# Caught wife sexting, need advice



## Agman86

I apologize in advance if this is long winded but there are a lot of factors, and believe it or not this is the condensed version.

This past Sunday evening my wife of 1 year (6 yrs before marriage) and I were out at dinner and she was a little tipsy from drinking all day. So she was on her phone a lot and not paying attention to me, so I glanced at her screen from across the table and I saw what appeared to be a guys name that I didn't recognize and her sending a cleavage pic. When I asked what she was doing she quickly closed it out and pulled up a pic of her new belly button ring. When we got home and she fell asleep I was able to figure out her swipe pass code and I found a long thread with an ex of hers from high school that she hasn't spoken to in 15 yrs. At first it was a lot of catching up, talking about his kids, how he screwed up letting her go etc.. Then he started calling her beautiful and from there it got more sexual. My wife said he did things for her that I don't, and she also said I go out of town for work every few months. He sent her nude pics and she sent cleavage pics and pics of her face. This was way more than light flirting.

I also briefly saw her much shorter thread with another guy where he was talking dirty to her and asked for pics, for which my wife replied: use snapchat because it deletes the evidence. All she told me was that she knew if from back home. Unfortunately while hooking up to my pc to save all this I could not remember the pass code and was permanently locked out of her phone. She woke up and asked if I had seen her phone and I confronted her. She didn't try to deny it. She deleted everything off her phone so now I'll never know if it was just 2 guys. I can't believe a word she says and I fear that if I stay with her she is bound to cheat again.

I looked at the phone and text records and the talking to the 1st guy had started 5 days prior, which she told me before I got the records. Over 430 messages in 5 days, and 2 late night calls both over 20 minutes. To make matters worse I noticed another # showing up a lot and she told me it was a guy she works with that is just a friend. He is married and has 2 kids and yet they were texting a at late hrs of the night. Who does that? The 2 guys she was sexting with live on the other side of the country so definitely no physical contact. She swears the guy from work is a friend and said she was sexting the other guys because it made her feel good to be complimented and to have her ex tell her he screwed up was gratifying and provided closure. She has also gained a little weight the last coupe years and doesn't feel sexy anymore. I still think she's gorgeous and I can barely keep my hands off her. But I asked her why the hell she would delete her texts with the coworker if she had nothing to hide and she said " I didn't think I needed to defend every one of my conversations". Unbelievable!That would have given her some credibility.

I love her more than life itself and I thought our marriage was great. She swears she loves me and didn't mean to hurt me so bad. She says she is very happy with me and even told that to sexting guy #1 when he asked. I just don't understand why a happy wife would stray for some emotional attention. I think I am a great husband, although I could compliment her more and say sweet things more. I am so torn up right now and of course I can't talk to anyone about this. My trust in her is broken and I don't know if it can ever be repaired. I am just looking for advice from people that have gone through this. Thanks for reading this long diatribe.


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## SadSamIAm

The advice you will get will be:

1) - don't have children with her
- cut your losses and get a divorce

or

2) - don't have children with her
- put a key logger on her computer and a VAR in her car
- insist on knowing the password on her phone and check it every once in a while

Now that she knows that you know, she will be very careful with her indiscretions.

I favor option 1, cut your losses. The worst thing is when she mentioned you are out of town occasionally. This means she is more than willing to take it physical. It isn't just flirting over the internet.


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## Chaparral

I would find out who the wife of her coworker is and have a conversation with her and tell her you think the two of them are cheating.

Second, if she has an iphone, look up the wondershare program to retrieve deleted texts. Gus Polinski on these boards can help with that. You may also retrieve deleted texts from android phones I think.

You also need to get a couple of voice activated recorders(sony $50-60) , put one under her car seat and one in the house where she is likely to use the phone when you aren't around. These usually turn something up in a day or two.

The coworker is much more troubling of the three.

Go to the cwi page and find weightlifter's evidence gathering thread.


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## Roselyn

Don't believe her. I'm a woman. She is actively and assertively looking to have an affair if she is not already in one. Who would be sexting while your husband is with you on a dinner date? She has no respect for you. If you don't have any children, see a divorce attorney. She is a sicko of a wife.


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## lifeistooshort

I'm also a woman. You can't fix this because according to her she's happy but still looking elsewhere. That is someone that will likely always require attention from multiple sources..... if she was in happy you might be able to address the issue but this? Probably not. Sorry.

Ironic how she feels desired by a guy that probably sees her as little more than a cheap score and will wreck a marriage she claims be happy with for it. But she likely doesn't think it will cost her anything.


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## GusPolinski

Agman86 said:


> I apologize in advance if this is long winded but there are a lot of factors, and believe it or not this is the condensed version.
> 
> This past Sunday evening my wife of 1 year (6 yrs before marriage) and I were out at dinner and she was a little tipsy from drinking all day. So she was on her phone a lot and not paying attention to me, so I glanced at her screen from across the table and I saw what appeared to be a guys name that I didn't recognize and her sending a cleavage pic. When I asked what she was doing she quickly closed it out and pulled up a pic of her new belly button ring. When we got home and she fell asleep I was able to figure out her swipe pass code and I found a long thread with an ex of hers from high school that she hasn't spoken to in 15 yrs. At first it was a lot of catching up, talking about his kids, how he screwed up letting her go etc.. Then he started calling her beautiful and from there it got more sexual. My wife said he did things for her that I don't, and she also said I go out of town for work every few months. He sent her nude pics and she sent cleavage pics and pics of her face. This was way more than light flirting.
> 
> I also briefly saw her much shorter thread with another guy where he was talking dirty to her and asked for pics, for which my wife replied: use snapchat because it deletes the evidence. All she told me was that she knew if from back home. Unfortunately while hooking up to my pc to save all this I could not remember the pass code and was permanently locked out of her phone. She woke up and asked if I had seen her phone and I confronted her. She didn't try to deny it. She deleted everything off her phone so now I'll never know if it was just 2 guys. I can't believe a word she says and I fear that if I stay with her she is bound to cheat again.
> 
> I looked at the phone and text records and the talking to the 1st guy had started 5 days prior, which she told me before I got the records. Over 430 messages in 5 days, and 2 late night calls both over 20 minutes. To make matters worse I noticed another # showing up a lot and she told me it was a guy she works with that is just a friend. He is married and has 2 kids and yet they were texting a at late hrs of the night. Who does that? The 2 guys she was sexting with live on the other side of the country so definitely no physical contact. She swears the guy from work is a friend and said she was sexting the other guys because it made her feel good to be complimented and to have her ex tell her he screwed up was gratifying and provided closure. She has also gained a little weight the last coupe years and doesn't feel sexy anymore. I still think she's gorgeous and I can barely keep my hands off her. But I asked her why the hell she would delete her texts with the coworker if she had nothing to hide and she said " I didn't think I needed to defend every one of my conversations". Unbelievable!That would have given her some credibility.
> 
> I love her more than life itself and I thought our marriage was great. She swears she loves me and didn't mean to hurt me so bad. She says she is very happy with me and even told that to sexting guy #1 when he asked. I just don't understand why a happy wife would stray for some emotional attention. I think I am a great husband, although I could compliment her more and say sweet things more. I am so torn up right now and of course I can't talk to anyone about this. My trust in her is broken and I don't know if it can ever be repaired. I am just looking for advice from people that have gone through this. Thanks for reading this long diatribe.


Well, there are a couple of things that you need to come to terms with right off the bat...

1. This isn't her first time doing this, it's just her first time getting caught. Well... by you, at least.

2. She's likely taken this much further than simply sexting... if not w/ these guys, then w/ others.

Having said that, let me also ask a couple of questions...

1. Once you find out that she has indeed physically cheated, will that be a dealbreaker for you?

2. What kind of phone does your wife use? You should be able to retrieve any deleted texts, pics, vids, etc w/ some recovery software.

READ THIS THREAD THOROUGHLY...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## DoveEnigma13

I need to know exactly how she worded that she didn't mean to hurt. Verbatim what did she say?


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## LongWalk

Agman86 said:


> I apologize in advance if this is long winded but there are a lot of factors, and believe it or not this is the condensed version.
> 
> *There aren't many factors, just too many other men.*
> 
> This past Sunday evening my wife of 1 year (6 yrs before marriage) and I were out at dinner and she was a little tipsy from drinking all day.
> 
> *How much does she drink? When did she begin drinking more? Does she need alcohol to get sexual?*So she was on her phone a lot and not paying attention to me, so I glanced at her screen from across the table and I saw what appeared to be a guys name that I didn't recognize and her sending a cleavage pic. When I asked what she was doing she quickly closed it out and pulled up a pic of her new belly button ring.
> *Belly button rings are to attract sex partners.*
> When we got home and she fell asleep I was able to figure out her swipe pass code and I found a long thread with an ex of hers from high school that she hasn't spoken to in 15 yrs. At first it was a lot of catching up, talking about his kids, how he screwed up letting her go etc.. Then he started calling her beautiful and from there it got more sexual. My wife said he did things for her that I don't, and she also said I go out of town for work every few months. He sent her nude pics and she sent cleavage pics and pics of her face. This was way more than light flirting.
> 
> *Nude pics as in "here is my erection, babe. Looking forward to sharing it with you?*
> 
> I also briefly saw her much shorter thread with another guy where he was talking dirty to her and asked for pics, for which my wife replied: use snapchat because it deletes the evidence. All she told me was that she knew if from back home. Unfortunately while hooking up to my pc to save all this I could not remember the pass code and was permanently locked out of her phone. She woke up and asked if I had seen her phone and I confronted her. She didn't try to deny it. She deleted everything off her phone so now I'll never know if it was just 2 guys. I can't believe a word she says and I fear that if I stay with her she is bound to cheat again.
> 
> *She may not cheat again while you are married. But how long are you going to be together?*
> 
> I looked at the phone and text records and the talking to the 1st guy had started 5 days prior, which she told me before I got the records. Over 430 messages in 5 days, and 2 late night calls both over 20 minutes. To make matters worse I noticed another # showing up a lot and she told me it was a guy she works with that is just a friend. He is married and has 2 kids and yet they were texting a at late hrs of the night. Who does that? The 2 guys she was sexting with live on the other side of the country so definitely no physical contact. She swears the guy from work is a friend and said she was sexting the other guys because it made her feel good to be complimented and to have her ex tell her he screwed up was gratifying and provided closure. She has also gained a little weight the last coupe years and doesn't feel sexy anymore. I still think she's gorgeous and I can barely keep my hands off her. But I asked her why the hell she would delete her texts with the coworker if she had nothing to hide and she said " I didn't think I needed to defend every one of my conversations". Unbelievable!That would have given her some credibility.
> 
> I love her more than life itself and I thought our marriage was great. She swears she loves me and didn't mean to hurt me so bad. She says she is very happy with me and even told that to sexting guy #1 when he asked. I just don't understand why a happy wife would stray for some emotional attention. I think I am a great husband, although I could compliment her more and say sweet things more. I am so torn up right now and of course I can't talk to anyone about this. My trust in her is broken and I don't know if it can ever be repaired. I am just looking for advice from people that have gone through this. Thanks for reading this long diatribe.
> 
> *As long as she knows you adore and worship her, she doesn't have to worry.
> 
> Read MMSLP*


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## Mr.Fisty

If you want to live in reality, then your wife is a serial cheater. She likely has major issues you don't know about. She will seek the thrill and attention of other men. I am going to guess, and say that you are really a stable person, and she probably married you for that reason. You want some hope, and you probably want assurance that she will not cheat on you again, but she wants you to forget her indiscretions and ignore the fact that she needs more attention than you can give. She will likely cheat on you to seek validation for her personal issues. This has to do with her and her issues, and unless she seeks help, she will likely find a man she can cheat with. If she finds a more successful and stable person, she will probably leave you. She really has no boundaries. Plus you place her on a pedestal. Get past her beauty, and the flaws will make her not so shiny.


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## ReidWright

this is after 1 year of marriage??

run, run fast


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## Acoa

She is sexting other men while you are out to dinner with her, and she says she doesn't have to defend that conversation? 

Uhm, no sh1t. There is no defense, that's just plain wrong. 

She is putting up walls of defense. You need to decide if it's worth trying to tear them down. 

I was in a similar situation. I gave my now X an ultimatum, and a second chance. 2yrs later we are divorced. 

Can't say I regret giving her the chance, but I can say it was wasted on her. Either she was unable to stop, didn't care enough to stop or didn't think I was serious. 

If you do decide to give her another chance, make sure she is worth it and that she at least makes an attempt to earn it. Currently she sounds un-remorseful and defensive.


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## DoveEnigma13

I fully regret giving my ex a second and third or fourth chance. I followed the BS script as much or more than she played the serial cheater.


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## Lostme

She will end up having a PA, I would not stick around and wait for it if I was you. She is not sorry, or she would not have done it.

Have you met this co worker? if not go to her job and give her a surprise visit, and watch how she reacts.


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## MattMatt

Does she have a drink problem?

I am nonplussed by your wife. Sending cleavage shots whilst out at dinner with your husband?:scratchhead:

She clearly has no respect for you, no respect for herself and no boundaries, either.


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## TRy

Agman86 said:


> But I asked her why the hell she would delete her texts with the coworker if she had nothing to hide and she said " I didn't think I needed to defend every one of my conversations". Unbelievable!That would have given her some credibility.


 Her telling you this after you caught her sexting 2 other men, shows that not only does she not have any respect for you, but that she has no remorse for her cheating. After only one year of marriage, she has shown you that she is a defiant cheater that can rationalize all of her actions and stare you down. You have no children with her, so run.



Agman86 said:


> I love her more than life itself


People that say that often get cheated on because the spouse knows that you will look the other way and forgive them when they cheat. It is like placing a kick me sign on your back. If you do not value yourself as much as you value her, why should she?



Agman86 said:


> She swears she loves me and didn't mean to hurt me so bad.


 That statement misses the point. Cheaters do not usually cheat because they want to hurt their spouse, its just that they do not care enough about their spouse to insure that they try not hurt them. You loving "her more than life itself", and the best that she can say is that she did not mean to hurt you "so bad" (only a little).


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## Agman86

She has an Android phone. And no, a physical relationship would be a 100% deal breaker for me.


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## Agman86

She doesn't drink a lot, she just did that day. 
I planned on having children with her and being with her all my life. I have her everything, all of myself, a huge ring, a nice wedding, etc...


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## Agman86

She was drunk when she did that but it's still a huge slap in the face to me. She even tried playing the victim card telling me that none of this would have ever happened if I hadn't snooped through her phone. BTW that was the 1st time in 7 years I ever snooped on her, I went with my gut and I was right.


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## Agman86

I have met the coworker, he's a nice guy that helped us move furniture when we first arrived. We moved from CA to IL for my job. He is in his 40's and not very attractive IMO. I'm 28 and much better looking and in better shape. Not to sound ****y but I don't see why she'd be attracted to him and she swears she's not. He did say something odd to me when I first met him though. I was very thankful for his help and nice and he said something like " you're really cool, most guys eyeball me a bit if I'm around their wives. That struck me as odd.


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## Agman86

Acoa said:


> She is sexting other men while you are out to dinner with her, and she says she doesn't have to defend that conversation?
> 
> Uhm, no sh1t. There is no defense, that's just plain wrong.
> 
> She is putting up walls of defense. You need to decide if it's worth trying to tear them down.
> 
> I was in a similar situation. I gave my now X an ultimatum, and a second chance. 2yrs later we are divorced.
> 
> Can't say I regret giving her the chance, but I can say it was wasted on her. Either she was unable to stop, didn't care enough to stop or didn't think I was serious.
> 
> 
> If you do decide to give her another chance, make sure she is worth it and that she at least makes an attempt to earn it. Currently she sounds un-remorseful and defensive.


I just can't be sure I'll get full disclosure from her.


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## Agman86

We actually have technically been trying for a baby because she's off birth control, but after this I am super hesitant to try.


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## 6301

You've only been married for one year and if this is going on after only that short of time then IMO your in for a ride down a real bumpy road. She gets caught and is throwing it back in your lap like you caused this and from what you have written, she doesn't show a great deal of any remorse.

If your looking to finding out the whole truth then spit in one hand and wish in the other and see what you get first. Even if you get your answers there will be more questions and then the biggie is the trust factor. 

It's one thing if she truly showed some real remorse but if it's me, I cut my losses before you get yourself deeper in trouble and it costs you a arm and a leg not to mention your health and soul. Cut yourself loose and find someone with a little better morals.


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## Agman86

Thank you all so much for the insight. This has been the worst week of my life and I've never experienced such a pain as this. I love my wife immensely and I've invested 7 yrs with her. I know she loves me because she waited for me when I was deployed to Iraq 6 months after meeting and we chatted almost every day. She also moved across the country to support me in my new career, moving from the only place she'd ever lived (socal) and leaving her family behind to go to the Midwest. I just don't know what to do and if she just made a mistake bcuz she's lonely out here or if this is a red flag for the future.


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## 6301

Agman86 said:


> We actually have technically been trying for a baby because she's off birth control, but after this I am super hesitant to try.


 By yourself a box of condoms and use them and do it quick. If she asks why tell her the truth.


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## OldWolf57

Dude, grow the hell up !! You are making more excuses for her than she did to you.

You are the known, and it's the 7 yr. itch time.

These people are giving you the end result, and all your're doing is excusing her. Pay attention. Yes this may be saved, if YOU can find your anger over being DISRESPECTED so openly even if she was drunk.


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## GusPolinski

Agman86 said:


> We actually have technically been trying for a baby because she's off birth control, but after this I am super hesitant to try.


Uhhh yeeeaaaaahhh... you'd be wise to bring that to a screeching halt as of 5 minutes ago yesterday.


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## GusPolinski

Agman86 said:


> She has an Android phone. And no, a physical relationship would be a 100% deal breaker for me.


Here you go...

[OFFICIAL] Wondershare Dr.Fone for Android: Data Recovery for Android


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## GusPolinski

Agman86 said:


> Thank you all so much for the insight. This has been the worst week of my life and I've never experienced such a pain as this. I love my wife immensely and I've invested 7 yrs with her. *I know she loves me because she waited for me when I was deployed to Iraq 6 months after meeting and we chatted almost every day.* She also moved across the country to support me in my new career, moving from the only place she'd ever lived (socal) and leaving her family behind to go to the Midwest. I just don't know what to do and if she just made a mistake bcuz she's lonely out here or if this is a red flag for the future.


Uhhh... I don't know what you mean by "waited for you", but I'd be willing to bet that she didn't.


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## GusPolinski

Agman86 said:


> I just can't be sure I'll get full disclosure from her.


Download the software that I linked a couple of replies ago.

Also, do you have the e-mail address and password for her Google Play account?


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## ThePheonix

Roselyn said:


> Don't believe her. I'm a woman. She is actively and assertively looking to have an affair if she is not already in one. Who would be sexting while your husband is with you on a dinner date? She has no respect for you. If you don't have any children, see a divorce attorney. She is a sicko of a wife.





lifeistooshort said:


> I'm also a woman. You can't fix this because according to her she's happy but still looking elsewhere. That is someone that will likely always require attention from multiple sources..... if she was in happy you might be able to address the issue but this? Probably not. Sorry.


Take it from old guy who have been around scores of women over my relatively long time on this planet. If you've got any sense at all, you need to listen to these two girls. They are telling you every thing you need to know. Their advise is profound and dead on the money. Ignore them at your own peril.


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## Bobby5000

I think Mr. Fisty nailed this. You may want to ask her about what he wrote. You are infatuated with this hot girl who seems to have some major emotional issues. Perhaps she is looking for a jealous man or is self-destructive but its tough to improve on Fisty's insight. 



Mr.Fisty said:


> If you want to live in reality, then your wife is a serial cheater. She likely has major issues you don't know about. She will seek the thrill and attention of other men. I am going to guess, and say that you are really a stable person, and she probably married you for that reason. You want some hope, and you probably want assurance that she will not cheat on you again, but she wants you to forget her indiscretions and ignore the fact that she needs more attention than you can give. She will likely cheat on you to seek validation for her personal issues. This has to do with her and her issues, and unless she seeks help, she will likely find a man she can cheat with. If she finds a more successful and stable person, she will probably leave you. She really has no boundaries. Plus you place her on a pedestal. Get past her beauty, and the flaws will make her not so shiny.


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## RWB

A86,

Review...

1 year married, off BC, trying to start a family... Your Wife is cheating with multiple OM. 

Seriously, Run Forest, Run.


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## Agman86

She has shown genuine remorse IMO. She said it was a dumb game to her and she doesn't know why she did it. She is committed to earning my trust back. She's unfriended the guys on FB, deleted snapchat, deleted and blocked their #'s. I have told her that I'm not going to micromanage everything she does but that she needs to be fully open and honest with me, and that if I ever find the slightest bit of infidelity I will kick her to the curb. I believe in my heart and my head that she made a foolish mistake and that it won't happen again. I am not one to give up on our marriage. Yes it's only been a little over a yr but we've been inseparable for 7 yrs. I will definitely keep a keen eye on her and I'm 100% on board with birth control now bcuz I don't want a kid with her if I'm wrong. I hope I'm not making a bad decision and I appreciate all your input but I am going to give a 2nd and final chance.


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## Agman86

DoveEnigma13 said:


> I need to know exactly how she worded that she didn't mean to hurt. Verbatim what did she say?


I love YOU, I only have sex with YOU, I have been struggling out here (meaning the cross country move away from family). I never meant to hurt you and I never cheated or planned to cheat.


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## Vulcan2013

Agman86 said:


> I love YOU, I only have sex with YOU, I have been struggling out here (meaning the cross country move away from family). I never meant to hurt you and I never cheated or planned to cheat.


And my husband goes out of town every couple months...

Why would she say that? A hint; being drunk doesn't change character, it reveals it.


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## RWB

Agman86 said:


> She has shown genuine remorse IMO. She said it was a dumb game to her and *she doesn't know why she did it*.


A86,

Why? She enjoyed the attention. She is bored with A86. Someone besides you to Validate her. It made her feel relevant, pretty, wanted. 

If she doesn't OWN up to her real reasons... "dumb game"... it's just a matter time to repeat.


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## Agman86

I meant we actually grew closer while I was away. We talked as much as possible and she supported me mentally through a stressful deployment in a war zone. She was amazing and she brought real meaning to the phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder".


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## Agman86

She did admit that she was lonely in this new place and also that she didn't feel very attractive or sexy anymore because she gained a little weight. She said it felt nice to be complimented and it made her feel attractive. She said it was nice that her ex acknowledged that her screwed up and that provided closure for her. I'm not defending her but she did confess this.


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## Agman86

That definitely hurt to read that. Idk why she'd say that but there's no way it was real. She said it was all talk and that it was stupid and childish. This guy is a white trash loser that is a low level line cook, whereas I'm educated and have a pretty good career. I don't think she would try to leave me for him.


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## GusPolinski

Agman86 said:


> She did admit that she was lonely in this new place and also that she didn't feel very attractive or sexy anymore because she gained a little weight. She said it felt nice to be complimented and it made her feel attractive. She said it was nice that her ex acknowledged that her screwed up and that provided closure for her. I'm not defending her but she did confess this.


Whoa, there... too much Kool-Aid will have you wetting the bed.

Dude, seriously... are you really buying all of her bullsh*t? Nothing that comes out of her mouth means a damn thing until you have complete access to her phone (including all deleted texts), e-mail, Facebook, etc. And don't let her shame you into feeling like a controlling neanderthal w/ talk of "invading her privacy", "not having to defend her conversations", etc.

You can either listen and take to heart the advice that you're being given now, or you can ignore it and regret doing so much further down the road.

Again, she HAS done this before, and she WILL do it again. Additionally, all signs are pointing to her having physically cheated on you as well, even if she hasn't (yet) done so w/ one of these guys.


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## lordmayhem

Agman86 said:


> That definitely hurt to read that. Idk why she'd say that but there's no way it was real. She said it was all talk and that it was stupid and childish. This guy is a white trash loser that is a low level line cook, whereas I'm educated and have a pretty good career. I don't think she would try to leave me for him.


You've now seen the future if you stay with this serial cheater. And this is the first year of marriage!


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## GusPolinski

Agman86 said:


> That definitely hurt to read that. Idk why she'd say that but there's no way it was real. She said it was all talk and that it was stupid and childish. This guy is a white trash loser that is a low level line cook, whereas I'm educated and have a pretty good career. I don't think she would try to leave me for him.


You're not getting it, man. Why would she leave her sweet, stable, clueless Beta provider (that's you) for some d**chebag when she can just bang him on the side to her heart's content? THAT is what she's been doing, and now she's desperate to sweep this entire debacle under the rug so that she can get back to it.


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## GusPolinski

Agman86 said:


> I love YOU...


That's probably true.



Agman86 said:


> ...I only have sex with YOU...


Eh... the jury's still out, but I'm putting my money on "No".



Agman86 said:


> ...I have been struggling out here (meaning the cross country move away from family)...


Again, that's probably true. But why wouldn't she be calling and texting her family and friends instead of sexting other men? Think it through, man... this is nothing more than a bullish*t justification.

You need to get your hands on a) the software that I linked, and b) phone records.



Agman86 said:


> ...I never meant to hurt you...


That's probably true, but only because you weren't supposed to find out.



Agman86 said:


> ...and I never cheated or planned to cheat.


Again, while you'd be foolish to believe that she hasn't, she was certainly planning to do so, and *you saw that for yourself!* Call her on her bulls*t!

You've got some reading to do, man. Pick up copies of "The Married Man's Sex Life Primer" and "No More Mister Nice Guy".


----------



## tom67

Agman86 said:


> She has shown genuine remorse IMO. She said it was a dumb game to her and she doesn't know why she did it. She is committed to earning my trust back. She's unfriended the guys on FB, deleted snapchat, deleted and blocked their #'s. I have told her that I'm not going to micromanage everything she does but that she needs to be fully open and honest with me, and that if I ever find the slightest bit of infidelity I will kick her to the curb. I believe in my heart and my head that she made a foolish mistake and that it won't happen again. I am not one to give up on our marriage. Yes it's only been a little over a yr but we've been inseparable for 7 yrs. I will definitely keep a keen eye on her and I'm 100% on board with birth control now bcuz I don't want a kid with her if I'm wrong. I hope I'm not making a bad decision and I appreciate all your input but I am going to give a 2nd and final chance.


Sigh...
Tell her you are taking her for a polygraph her reaction will say it all.
And look up the seven year itch part of it is biology.
You have no idea what you would be forgiving unless she gives you a timeline.


----------



## Agman86

She definitely has not hooked up with this guy. He lives in Alaska, 3k miles away. Phone records confirm it just started a few days ago. I will be using software to recover deleted items and see what that turns up.


----------



## tom67

Agman86 said:


> She definitely has not hooked up with this guy. He lives in Alaska, 3k miles away. Phone records confirm it just started a few days ago. I will be using software to recover deleted items and see what that turns up.


VAR in her car for extra inf eh two in the house also.
Agman EAs can actually be worse than PAs.


----------



## GusPolinski

Agman86 said:


> She definitely has not hooked up with this guy. He lives in Alaska, 3k miles away. Phone records confirm it just started a few days ago. I will be using software to recover deleted items and see what that turns up.


Maybe not this particular guy, but there have been others. Hell, you found texts to and from 3 different guys on her phone, and she started deleting things before you had a chance to really dig in. That alone should tell you that you need to dig much, much deeper if you want the truth.


----------



## Squeakr

Agman86 said:


> She has shown genuine remorse IMO. She said it was a dumb game to her and she doesn't know why she did it. She is committed to earning my trust back. She's unfriended the guys on FB, deleted snapchat, deleted and blocked their #'s. I have told her that I'm not going to micromanage everything she does but that she needs to be fully open and honest with me, and that if I ever find the slightest bit of infidelity I will kick her to the curb. I believe in my heart and my head that she made a foolish mistake and that it won't happen again. I am not one to give up on our marriage. Yes it's only been a little over a yr but we've been inseparable for 7 yrs. I will definitely keep a keen eye on her and I'm 100% on board with birth control now bcuz I don't want a kid with her if I'm wrong. I hope I'm not making a bad decision and I appreciate all your input but I am going to give a 2nd and final chance.


Your story sounds lots like mine. Deployed with "happy" and committed finance (I found out recently that she wasn't so faithful and actually cheated on me then but she didn't think it was cheating and thus had forgotten about it as it was nothing). Moved from CA across the country for job (and she wanted to move as well, leaving everything family and friends behind). I then caught her cheating but it was too late for me, as she had taken it further. I found she would chat with them while sitting next to me on the couch, in bed, etc and claim it was her girl friends. She hid the evidence and deleted everything to show her dedication. What I didn't know is she had hidden email accounts and she would reinstall and delete the apps every time she wanted to use them (install on way to work, and uninstall on way home from work). Watch out for this. I would especially be concerned with the snapchat as it shows she was more than willing to supply the pics as l;on as she thought the trail was hidden (because everyone knows a screen shot can be taken and kept, so she was concerned about the trail, same as my STBXW was).


Don't believe and trust her for a moment, and the main telltale sign is that she is supposedly happy, but she needs multiple men to satisfy her desires???? Don't forget that the phone records only show the phone details. With all the apps and social media out there (which she seems to be pretty up on by recommending things like snapchat and using FB) the records possibly only prove she has just moved it to the phone. My STBXW used myspace (yes I am that old), FB, Meebo, Skype, PATH, and many, many, many other things that couldn't be traced generally even if your tried (especially when she was deleting the apps and data after each use).

Don't trust her as she has not given you any reason to at this point. Verify, verify, verify. Has she offered all her account info and passwords to you??? She should be, yet she is still hiding what you already know. Huge red flag.


----------



## askari

I wish I caught my wife sexting etc....I sometimes even wish she would have an affair because then atleast I would know that she IS into sex, can be romantic, erotic, horny etc.

But just not with me.


----------



## LongWalk

Agman,

You are getting great advice. Gus has really laid it out.

You need to recover the messages on the phone. If your wife has secrets about her affairs, you cannot know what the heck you are getting into. The bad signs are as you see yourself cannot be erased. If your wife compartmentalizes this cheating into a little box marked mistakes I have made, then she'll have learned little.

In her mind getting caught was the among the biggest mistakes.

How much weight has she gained?

Does she work?

Do you feel that she is hotter than your sex ranking?

How did her parents' marriage go?

You did not respond to the question about her drinking?

You need to read all her old emails. Don't tell her you are doing it.

Most important. You need to respect yourself more. The doubt that you now feel about your marriage, how is it affecting your relationship? Are you telling her you love her a lot? Is she discussing the issue on her own.

Do you enjoy sex with her now?


----------



## MattMatt

Agman86 said:


> I have met the coworker, he's a nice guy that helped us move furniture when we first arrived. We moved from CA to IL for my job. He is in his 40's and not very attractive IMO. I'm 28 and much better looking and in better shape. Not to sound ****y but I don't see why she'd be attracted to him and she swears she's not. He did say something odd to me when I first met him though. I was very thankful for his help and nice and he said something like " you're really cool, most guys eyeball me a bit if I'm around their wives. That struck me as odd.


My wife's PA partner was not good looking. But he was a successful player.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cgiles

You must read "No more mr nice guy" by robert glover.

It will help you to get your selfrespect back.


----------



## See_Listen_Love

Squeakr said:


> Your story sounds lots like mine. Deployed with "happy" and committed finance (I found out recently that she wasn't so faithful and actually cheated on me then but she didn't think it was cheating and thus had forgotten about it as it was nothing). Moved from CA across the country for job (and she wanted to move as well, leaving everything family and friends behind). I then caught her cheating but it was too late for me, as she had taken it further. I found she would chat with them while sitting next to me on the couch, in bed, etc and claim it was her girl friends. She hid the evidence and deleted everything to show her dedication. What I didn't know is she had hidden email accounts and she would reinstall and delete the apps every time she wanted to use them (install on way to work, and uninstall on way home from work). Watch out for this. I would especially be concerned with the snapchat as it shows she was more than willing to supply the pics as l;on as she thought the trail was hidden (because everyone knows a screen shot can be taken and kept, so she was concerned about the trail, same as my STBXW was).
> 
> 
> Don't believe and trust her for a moment, and the main telltale sign is that she is supposedly happy, but she needs multiple men to satisfy her desires???? Don't forget that the phone records only show the phone details. With all the apps and social media out there (which she seems to be pretty up on by recommending things like snapchat and using FB) the records possibly only prove she has just moved it to the phone. My STBXW used myspace (yes I am that old), FB, Meebo, Skype, PATH, and many, many, many other things that couldn't be traced generally even if your tried (especially when she was deleting the apps and data after each use).
> 
> Don't trust her as she has not given you any reason to at this point. Verify, verify, verify. Has she offered all her account info and passwords to you??? She should be, yet she is still hiding what you already know. Huge red flag.


THIS is all you need to know Agman,

and follow the advise to take her to a polygraph session.
Search for 'parking lot confessions' to see what this is all about.

Sorry, but your good guy thing is just making her better in position to play you.


----------



## See_Listen_Love

Shedding some light on your situation:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/236506-twas-night-before.html


----------



## bryanp

As someone previously wrote:

"And my husband goes out of town every couple months..."

You would have to be in serious denial to overlook this. Everyone of her responses is that she does not know why she did it. What she really means is that she did not expect to be caught.

Your wife has shown you that she does not respect you or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


----------



## S&W500

Agman86 said:


> She definitely has not hooked up with this guy. *He lives in Alaska, 3k miles away*. Phone records confirm it just started a few days ago. I will be using software to recover deleted items and see what that turns up.


:scratchhead:
What exactly is the point of this?
Where's the end-game?
Complete waste of time & effort.

But then, history is littered with instances of women falling in love with crazed-lunatic murderers on Death Row, so....you know.


----------



## Locke.Stratos

Sexting is how many affairs take off, first an emotional connection is formed then it becomes physical.

'_This guy is a white trash loser that is a low level line cook, whereas I'm educated and have a pretty good career. I don't think she would try to leave me for him_'

- It may surprise you to learn that spouses often cheat 'down', career and even looks hardly matter. Women cheat because of how someone makes them feel. He could be a limbless torso with half a face but if he's able to make her feel a certain way, you'll soon be finding yourself recipient to the '_I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You_' speech.

Lowly scumbags try harder and are more daring and excessive with their praise and compliments, what have they got to lose? If she's receptive and reciprocates then it will escalate. Women tend to cheat with co-worker, bosses, ex boyfriends, personal trainers or married men.

She also doesn't necesarrily have to leave you when she can have both you providing for her and a hidden affair too.

An affair isn't a herculean task to accomplish. What? He lives 3000 miles away, that is easily remedied by her needing to leave town to visit family or friends or him getting a plane ticket and your wife being unavailable for a few hours. She was also texting a co-worker right, one in close proximity to her on a daily basis.

If you're worried about her fidelity now then imagine in a few years when you two are older, busier and more exhausted with children and work.

You have to question her integrity towards you in that she was able to disregard you entirely and engage in this inappropriate behaviour right in front of you and then also continue to lie to you about it. It also takes a real lack of morals and character to get involved with a married man who has children.


----------



## Acoa

Agman86 said:


> She definitely has not hooked up with this guy. He lives in Alaska, 3k miles away. Phone records confirm it just started a few days ago. I will be using software to recover deleted items and see what that turns up.



Ok, 1st, give her the ultimatum. Full disclosure and an end to any flirting, texting or improper relations she has going. 

The penalty for holding back on any I that is a swift and immediate divorce. To this point be clear and serious as a heart attack. She will either comply or lie. You won't know which it really was until much later.

I'm guessing lie based on her reaction so far. She said "this only happened because you snooped" and "I Love you, only have sex with you, wouldn't hurt you" is right from the cheater script. My X used all those exact words. The phrasing is identical. 

And she wasn't cheating with the guy I caught her sexting with. It turned out to be 2 different guys. Both married, both people she had reasons to see on a regular basis. So, look at her work, clubs, church or wherever it is she goes besides home that she is spending a lot If time at. If she is having a PA, it's with someone there. 

I had a hard time after DDay1 accepting that this loving woman I married was anything but honest and true. So, I was weak and ate her bullsh1t greedily because it supported what I wanted to find. 

Call her on her BS, give her the ultimatum. See a lawyer and draw up your plan for D. Hand her divorce papers and tell her if she won't give you the truth, then sign them. 

She will try to manipulate you, don't fall for it. Or if you do, mouth shut and eyes open. It was when she thought I was appeased that she slipped up and I found evidence which led to Dday2.


----------



## G.J.

Chaparral said:


> I would find out who the wife of her coworker is and have a conversation with her and tell her you think the two of them are cheating.
> 
> Second, if she has an iphone, look up the wondershare program to retrieve deleted texts. Gus Polinski on these boards can help with that. You may also retrieve deleted texts from android phones I think.
> 
> You also need to get a couple of voice activated recorders(sony $50-60) , put one under her car seat and one in the house where she is likely to use the phone when you aren't around. These usually turn something up in a day or two.
> 
> The coworker is much more troubling of the three.
> 
> Go to the cwi page and find weightlifter's evidence gathering thread.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## syhoybenden

ONE year of marriage and she's sexting other guyS?!! You should still be in the honeymoon phase of the marriage for crying out loud!
She is not into you.
She is not the one for you.
RUN Forrest RUN!!!!


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## thummper

This has got to be heartbreaking for you. The level of disrespect your wife has shown is mindboggling! Had this happened to me, I don't know that I could have stayed with my wife. I really feel for you, buddy. I hope you can recover those missing texts and find out what's been going on with her and this other guy. No doubt there'll be a lot more information to open your eyes as to who this woman really is. Good luck.


----------



## stunned

Before you make ANY decisions on how you are going to handle this, you need to get all the information you can. First, you need to recover those deleted texts. Do that now. Immediately. That will tell you the extent of the relationships, particularly with the coworker. He might be older and "not as good looking", but cheaters rarely ever cheat "up". I fear for what you will find. Until you know whether or not it has gone PA, you can't make a proper decision.
Also, she now knows her personal phone is compromised. Be on the lookout for a burner phone. A VAR in the car will tell you if and when she gets one. Getting a burner phone is usually the next step for a cheater if they intend to keep cheating. 
It looks like you discovered this very early on, which is a good thing. These affairs move extremely quickly. If in fact it hasn't gone PA with the coworker yet, there may be hope for you. Time is not on your side, though. Get those deleted texts immediately.


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## SadSamIAm

I think this is a great example of where a polygraph would work well.

Tell her that you want to believe her but everything you read looks very bad. Tell her you have found a way that will ease your mind. Hand her a note showing that you have booked an appointment for a polygraph.

Her reaction will tell you everything. If she gets angry that you aren't trusting her, then she is more than likely guilty. If she stays cool and says she will do anything to regain your trust, then there is a chance.

Keep the appointment. Take her to the appointment. You will probably get a confession a day before the appointment or on the way there.


----------



## tulsy

Agman86 said:


> ...I hope I'm not making a bad decision and I appreciate all your input but I am going to give a 2nd and final chance.


1 year married...she's a terrible wife and you're foolish to trust anything from her. You are making a bad decision.

You're welcome for my input.


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## Chaparral

The one year thing is a bit of a red herring. They've been together seven years. That's a magic number for female cheaters. Studies have shown regular cycles for cheating women.


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## D.H Mosquito

Agman86 said:


> She definitely has not hooked up with this guy. He lives in Alaska, 3k miles away. Phone records confirm it just started a few days ago. I will be using software to recover deleted items and see what that turns up.


You're still not getting it, if she doesn't meet him she will meet someone else this is the first step to cheating, trust us we have been through it mt friend


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## NoChoice

Agman,
I think a fundamental question that needs to be asked her is why is your wife so needing of compliments and attention from these other men? There is a root cause here. You tell her she looks fine but that is not sufficient? In what other areas does she consider you insufficient and why? You are her husband, why would it matter in the least what another man or many other men thought of her? It should be inconsequential. It's not. Why?

Also, how many secrets are allowable in a marriage in your view? Why did she hide the texts if she felt they were not wrong and leading somewhere she did not want you to know about? SHe hid them because she knew it was wrong but she did it anyway. How many other things has she hidden? These questions beg answers and there are no logical ones. It was a dumb game is not a viable answer. You have cause to be concerned and I would absolutely not have kids at this time until you sort this out. Good luck to you.


----------



## the guy

It sound like you want this to work out so you have a lot of marriage in front of you.

The only thing is ....your wife has no idea why she did this so how in the hell is she going to prevent it from happening again?

If you want your wife to affair proof this marriage #1 she needs to be taught the tools to do so, and #2 she needs to face her self, own what she did and look at what she is becoming if she doesn't get help.

Whats scary is I believe she can still look in the mirror and believe she did nothing wrong and if that's the case she still thinks its ok in her head.

How can your wife have a healthy relationship with any one when as an individual she needs help.

Think about it....she makes these unhealthy choices and hasn't figured out why much less how to prevent and recognize when she is about to make an unhealthy choice. 

In her mind she hasn't hurt her self....she just hurt you....whats wrong with that picture?


----------



## the guy

In a few years if she doesn't get help and when you catch her again, she will tell you *again* ...."she didn't mean to hurt you" but then she will throw in ..." I didn't think you would find out"...

My point is in her mind the only one she is hurting is you so what you don't know won't hurt you.


The fact of the matter is she will continue to have unhealthy commited relationships until she address her own issues of validation, attention and self worth.

Its sad your wife has to degrade her self and pay the currency of all this sexual banter and pictures to validate her self. Now top that off with being married...man that's a double whammy when it comes to her own mental health and the thought process she has.


----------



## 6301

If I were you, I would take her for a polygraph test. Let her know that before you and her can move on that you have to have a clear mind and she's filled you head with a ton of doubt. 

If she has nothing to hide then she'll go along and take the test to prove herself. If she refuses the test then you should have a enough common sense to know that there's more that you don't know about. I wouldn't ask, I would insist on it.


----------



## Devastated an lost

I would like to say as a married woman. Getting that kind of attention form other men is uncomfortable for me & if the man knows I'm married I take that as an insult to my H. If she saved nude photos of this man she is at the very least fantasizing about being with him. It appears to me she has no respect for you at all. Sorry that's just how I see it.


----------



## happyman64

Agman

I think it is ok to still love your wife.

But when she says she did not cheat you have to make her understand that having an EA is cheating.

I can understand moving away from family.
I can understand the 7 year itch.

What you have to make clear to your wife is boundaries are in place in a marriage for a reason.

Your wife needs consequences or this nonsense will happen again.

So make her feel comfortable. Get her to open up and talk honestly with you.

Make her understand that you require respect, honesty and communication in your relationship or there will be no future for you two.

It is really that simple.

Help her. She needs it.

HM


----------



## badmemory

stunned said:


> Before you make ANY decisions on how you are going to handle this, you need to get all the information you can. First, you need to recover those deleted texts. Do that now. Immediately.


I couldn't agree more. Don't make the decision to forgive her before you know what you are forgiving.

And the same for getting her texts immediately. For every day that you wait, older texts are overwritten by newer ones. 

What you should do, is approach her now and tell her to give you her phone - and hope that she hasn't already figured out that she can wipe it. Tell her exactly why; and that if she hasn't done anything else wrong she has nothing to worry about.

Do not accept her refusal under any circumstances. If she won't give it to you, take it.


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## nuclearnightmare

OP:

you said you "love her more than life itself....."
it is really wrong to feel that way about a person like your wife. WRONG. you made a mistake marrying her. forgive yourself on that one. but you need to correct your mistakes whenever possible. later on you'll be SO glad that you left her before any children came on the scene......


----------



## nanofaan

I agree with above post.

your love is part of it is just you are used to her by your side. if she is able to do that in the first year of marriage she is capable of doing more. 
Imagine you have to deal with this in the future when you have kids?
to me and to many men, a wife sending pics to other men is same as physical. because of that person was in the same city or street as your wife things could have been physical. 
you said it yourself, you are good looking and have a career, many women would love to date you.


----------



## alte Dame

Agman86 said:


> .. She even tried playing the victim card telling me that none of this would have ever happened if I hadn't snooped through her phone. BTW that was the 1st time in 7 years I ever snooped on her, I went with my gut and I was right.


I suspect you would have found a lot more a long time ago if you had snooped. To her, things are just fine as long as you are in the dark. She is used to you being in the dark, the kind, trusting soul that you are. But you've ruined things now by discovering her deceit. In her mind, the problem is not that she cheated, but that you've thrown a monkey wrench into the nicely working cheating system that she had in place.

Many people are telling you here that she will just find other ways to 'talk' to other men, and she will. Her attitude seems to be that all is well as long as she hides things successfully, so why won't she find new ways to do that?

I think she slipped up when she got drunk and sexted in front of you. Lesson learned for her.


----------



## OldWolf57

A, you have boots on the ground, and I see you are not blind, so wishing you the best.

Most here have been cheated on and don't have much wait an see, so don't just follow our script.
I think you may have a handle on this, and has showed her the curb is her next stop. Being understanding, but firm is your best move.


----------



## warlock07

for which my wife replied: use snapchat because it deletes the evidence. 

You know what that means, right?


----------



## warlock07

Agman86 said:


> I have met the coworker, he's a nice guy that helped us move furniture when we first arrived. We moved from CA to IL for my job. He is in his 40's and not very attractive IMO. I'm 28 and much better looking and in better shape. Not to sound ****y but I don't see why she'd be attracted to him and she swears she's not. He did say something odd to me when I first met him though. I was very thankful for his help and nice and he said something like " you're really cool, most guys eyeball me a bit if I'm around their wives. That struck me as odd.


Only proves that she does not need to have a reason to cheat..




Agman86 said:


> She has an Android phone. And no, a physical relationship would be a 100% deal breaker for me.


Considering how good she was regarding any evidence you don't know that she did not.


----------



## warlock07

Agman86 said:


> She has shown genuine remorse IMO. She said it was a dumb game to her and she doesn't know why she did it. She is committed to earning my trust back. She's unfriended the guys on FB, deleted snapchat, deleted and blocked their #'s. I have told her that I'm not going to micromanage everything she does but that she needs to be fully open and honest with me, and that if I ever find the slightest bit of infidelity I will kick her to the curb. I believe in my heart and my head that she made a foolish mistake and that it won't happen again. I am not one to give up on our marriage. Yes it's only been a little over a yr but we've been inseparable for 7 yrs. I will definitely keep a keen eye on her and I'm 100% on board with birth control now bcuz I don't want a kid with her if I'm wrong. I hope I'm not making a bad decision and I appreciate all your input but I am going to give a 2nd and final chance.


You won't kick her out. You will find other excuses to keep her around. Even if you catch her red-handed with another guy in the bed naked, you will try to find excuses. You dysfunction is also obvious in your posts.


----------



## Agman86

LongWalk said:


> Agman,
> 
> You are getting great advice. Gus has really laid it out.
> 
> You need to recover the messages on the phone. If your wife has secrets about her affairs, you cannot know what the heck you are getting into. The bad signs are as you see yourself cannot be erased. If your wife compartmentalizes this cheating into a little box marked mistakes I have made, then she'll have learned little.
> 
> In her mind getting caught was the among the biggest mistakes.
> 
> How much weight has she gained?
> 
> Does she work?
> 
> Do you feel that she is hotter than your sex ranking?
> 
> How did her parents' marriage go?
> 
> You did not respond to the question about her drinking?
> 
> You need to read all her old emails. Don't tell her you are doing it.
> 
> Most important. You need to respect yourself more. The doubt that you now feel about your marriage, how is it affecting your relationship? Are you telling her you love her a lot? Is she discussing the issue on her own.
> 
> Do you enjoy sex with her now?


Sex is great, and I know she enjoys it as well.
Yes she works, she has a very respectable job
She doesn't have a drinking problem, this was a rare occurrence of her just drinking too much and it catching up to her.
She was raised with a single mom so she has daddy issues a little bit.
She and I have both gained about 20-25 lbs. Happy weight. I feel like we are both equally attractive. One of us doesn't severely out do the other in that regard.

Well this situation has been the hardest and most emotionally draining week of my life. I talked to her last night and we aired a lot of things out. What is eating at me the most is that I didn't get to read everything before I got locked out of the phone, so that unknown is driving me crazy. I couldn't sleep last night, it's all I could think about. I have told her I love her and how much she means to me and she has reciprocated. She said she knows it was stupid and hurtful and she let it go too far, and she said that she was drinking a lot during the days they were texting. 

One thing I didn't mention is that the 5 days she was talking to him, and probably the 2nd guy, was bcuz she flew back home to help her mom make funeral arrangements for her estranged step father who passed away. So she was stressed out running around dealing with all of her mom's affairs and helping her grieve. But while she was gone she and I only spoke shortly or textured a little. I figured she had a full plate so I didn't pester her, but she had time to send over 450 messages to her ex . The 2nd guy and the ex both reached out to her on FB. The 1st guy did because she commented on his post and then they started texting after no contact for 15 yrs. The 2nd guy was a FB friend that she knew from HS and he lived in CA, although hrs away from her. She said she started talking to them in the same timeframe bcuz she liked the attention. 

I want to recover deleted texts but I don't know how the he'll I'll get her phone alone for long enough to do it. I don't think a VAR is necessary bcuz I monitor the phone records already anyway.


----------



## Agman86

S&W500 said:


> :scratchhead:
> What exactly is the point of this?
> Where's the end-game?
> Complete waste of time & effort.
> 
> But then, history is littered with instances of women falling in love with crazed-lunatic murderers on Death Row, so....you know.


I don't believe for 1 second she would leave me for him. He's a white trash loser with a crummy job, and long ago when they dated(high school) he up and left her and she didn't know why. She said that him saying those things to her made her feel vindicated and a sense of closure, and then she let the booze help her take it too far.


----------



## warlock07

Ask her for the phone. You shouldn't have to do it in secret. She is playing nice because you are being the naive gullible hubby you usually are.

One guy on here took his wife's phone and left in his car.


----------



## Agman86

Locke.Stratos said:


> Sexting is how many affairs take off, first an emotional connection is formed then it becomes physical.
> 
> '_This guy is a white trash loser that is a low level line cook, whereas I'm educated and have a pretty good career. I don't think she would try to leave me for him_'
> 
> - It may surprise you to learn that spouses often cheat 'down', career and even looks hardly matter. Women cheat because of how someone makes them feel. He could be a limbless torso with half a face but if he's able to make her feel a certain way, you'll soon be finding yourself recipient to the '_I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You_' speech.
> 
> Lowly scumbags try harder and are more daring and excessive with their praise and compliments, what have they got to lose? If she's receptive and reciprocates then it will escalate. Women tend to cheat with co-worker, bosses, ex boyfriends, personal trainers or married men.
> 
> She also doesn't necesarrily have to leave you when she can have both you providing for her and a hidden affair too.
> 
> An affair isn't a herculean task to accomplish. What? He lives 3000 miles away, that is easily remedied by her needing to leave town to visit family or friends or him getting a plane ticket and your wife being unavailable for a few hours. She was also texting a co-worker right, one in close proximity to her on a daily basis.
> 
> If you're worried about her fidelity now then imagine in a few years when you two are older, busier and more exhausted with children and work.
> 
> You have to question her integrity towards you in that she was able to disregard you entirely and engage in this inappropriate behaviour right in front of you and then also continue to lie to you about it. It also takes a real lack of morals and character to get involved with a married man who has children.


He's not married but he does have 2 kids I think.


----------



## warlock07

Agman86 said:


> I don't believe for 1 second she would leave me for him. He's a white trash loser with a crummy job, and long ago when they dated(high school) he up and left her and she didn't know why. She said that him saying those things to her made her feel vindicated and a sense of closure, and then she let the booze help her take it too far.


I've seen you mention this a few time. So your worth is your finances ? Or that you are ok with her leaving you for a more successful guy ?Or that she would leave you if you lose your job ?

Logic doesn't work that way. Most of the times, the WS always cheat with some low life scumbag. Read a few threads on the front page. One cheated with a convict. One with a meth head. 

Your denial is going to destroy you.


----------



## Agman86

Acoa said:


> Ok, 1st, give her the ultimatum. Full disclosure and an end to any flirting, texting or improper relations she has going.
> 
> The penalty for holding back on any I that is a swift and immediate divorce. To this point be clear and serious as a heart attack. She will either comply or lie. You won't know which it really was until much later.
> 
> I'm guessing lie based on her reaction so far. She said "this only happened because you snooped" and "I Love you, only have sex with you, wouldn't hurt you" is right from the cheater script. My X used all those exact words. The phrasing is identical.
> 
> And she wasn't cheating with the guy I caught her sexting with. It turned out to be 2 different guys. Both married, both people she had reasons to see on a regular basis. So, look at her work, clubs, church or wherever it is she goes besides home that she is spending a lot If time at. If she is having a PA, it's with someone there.
> 
> I had a hard time after DDay1 accepting that this loving woman I married was anything but honest and true. So, I was weak and ate her bullsh1t greedily because it supported what I wanted to find.
> 
> Call her on her BS, give her the ultimatum. See a lawyer and draw up your plan for D. Hand her divorce papers and tell her if she won't give you the truth, then sign them.
> 
> She will try to manipulate you, don't fall for it. Or if you do, mouth shut and eyes open. It was when she thought I was appeased that she slipped up and I found evidence which led to Dday2.


I have told her she needed full disclosure and she says she has told me everything. I told her that if I ever find the slightest bit of flirting or infidelity we are done. Seeing as how we have only lived her for 7 months we don't really do anything separate. We're almost always together. She has disclosed things to me and she has deleted and blocked the #'s and FB. I really believe that is was a really stupid mistake and that she won't do it again. I really hope I'm right in this decision and I hope she doesn't do what your ex did. I'm taking a leap of faith here but I think we can recover from this.


----------



## Agman86

Locke.Stratos said:


> You have to ask yourself if you trust her, cheaters lie, minimize and justify their actions. Your wife seems remorseful that she was caught, guilt and remorse aren't that difficult to overcome and ignore.
> 
> If you are adamant on staying married to her then she has to feel true remorse and face impactful consequences. Trust me, no consequences will surely guarentee that this happens again, and she will probably escalate her behaviour.
> 
> I do not now if you will but perhaps you and your wife should inform the wife of your wife's married man about their affair and do not have (unprotected) sex with your wife. Try a trial separation so that she understands the gravity of her actions, you questioning her, doubting her or being angry are at most a temporary minor inconvenience.
> 
> Talk about this to close friends or family, her actions are nothing for you to feel ashamed and embarrased over, they are all on her.


The guy she was mainly talking to isn't married.


----------



## Agman86

syhoybenden said:


> ONE year of marriage and she's sexting other guyS?!! You should still be in the honeymoon phase of the marriage for crying out loud!
> She is not into you.
> She is not the one for you.
> RUN Forrest RUN!!!!


We've been together over 7 years so the honeymoon phase has been over for awhile, but we really have had a rock solid and wonderful relationship up until this happened.


----------



## Agman86

thummper said:


> This has got to be heartbreaking for you. The level of disrespect your wife has shown is mindboggling! Had this happened to me, I don't know that I could have stayed with my wife. I really feel for you, buddy. I hope you can recover those missing texts and find out what's been going on with her and this other guy. No doubt there'll be a lot more information to open your eyes as to who this woman really is. Good luck.


It is so hard man, I've never felt this kind of pain before and it's excruciating. That's what I need to help me move on, I want to read all of it to be sure.


----------



## Agman86

nuclearnightmare said:


> OP:
> 
> you said you "love her more than life itself....."
> it is really wrong to feel that way about a person like your wife. WRONG. you made a mistake marrying her. forgive yourself on that one. but you need to correct your mistakes whenever possible. later on you'll be SO glad that you left her before any children came on the scene......


Maybe that was the wrong way to phrase it but what I meant is that I love my wife dearly and I'd do anything for her. I don't think I made a mistake marrying her. She is a wonderful, caring, and loving woman. Do any of you think marriage counseling is a good idea?


----------



## Agman86

OldWolf57 said:


> A, you have boots on the ground, and I see you are not blind, so wishing you the best.
> 
> Most here have been cheated on and don't have much wait an see, so don't just follow our script.
> I think you may have a handle on this, and has showed her the curb is her next stop. Being understanding, but firm is your best move.


That's exactly what I'm trying to do. I'm a firm believer in 2nd chances, and while very hurtful her sexting wasn't a PA, which would be an instant kick to the curb from me. I am willing to allow her to try to regain my trust. I will have a watchful eye now and if I can find a way to get her phone alone I will try to recover messages. I saw all of them from the main guy and the 2nd guy only had a couple before it likely moved to snapchat. I still didn't get to go thru it with a fine tooth comb, which is what's bothering me.


----------



## Agman86

warlock07 said:


> I've seen you mention this a few time. So your worth is your finances ? Or that you are ok with her leaving you for a more successful guy ?Or that she would leave you if you lose your job ?
> 
> Logic doesn't work that way. Most of the times, the WS always cheat with some low life scumbag. Read a few threads on the front page. One cheated with a convict. One with a meth head.
> 
> Your denial is going to destroy you.


I'm not saying it's my finances, but it's a combination of all those great things which is why she married me. I'm not discounting the possibility of someone cheating down, but I just don't see it.


----------



## Agman86

warlock07 said:


> You won't kick her out. You will find other excuses to keep her around. Even if you catch her red-handed with another guy in the bed naked, you will try to find excuses. You dysfunction is also obvious in your posts.


Um, no. You don't know me, I'm not a doormat, I would not only whoop the guys ass but I'd toss her on the street.


----------



## GusPolinski

Agman86 said:


> That's exactly what I'm trying to do. I'm a firm believer in 2nd chances, and while very hurtful her sexting wasn't a PA, which would be an instant kick to the curb from me. I am willing to allow her to try to regain my trust. I will have a watchful eye now and if I can find a way to get her phone alone I will try to recover messages. I saw all of them from the main guy and the 2nd guy only had a couple before it likely moved to snapchat. I still didn't get to go thru it with a fine tooth comb, which is what's bothering me.


And if you find out 2 years from now that she's been lying and HAS engaged in a PA?

Keep digging.

For now, I'd establish a few non-negotiable boundaries...

* No more ephemeral messaging apps like WhatsApp, Snapchat, etc.

* She hands over the phone, tablet, laptop, etc immediately and w/o any sort of argument upon your request.

* She immediately puts in a 2-week notice and gets a new job. Continuing to work alongside and communicate w/ any one of these guys should be unacceptable to you.

* You should also insist that she have her number changed. If family asks for a reason as to why, she can just tell them that some creep from her old job (as in the job that she has right NOW) was semi-harassing her.

Oh, and her refusal to do *ANY* of these things should be viewed w/ no small amount of suspicion.

Oh, and by the way... the software that I linked should recover messages from at least some apps like WhatsApp, SnapChat, etc.


----------



## warlock07

Read a few threads on this forum. Most of the cases, they affair down. It seems to more common than you realize.

Read a poster called bff's thread. The guy his wife cheated with and bff are on different planets financially. The guy used to refer work to the OM. Yet she cheated.

Most people cheat down because only at that level often do they find people desperate enough to.


----------



## GusPolinski

Agman86 said:


> I'm not saying it's my finances, but it's a combination of all those great things which is why she married me. *I'm not discounting the possibility of someone cheating down, but I just don't see it.*


And yet it happens ALL. THE. TIME. Didn't you know... it's a thrill to go slumming!

Again, she didn't intend to leave you for any of these creeps, she just wanted to have her "fun".


----------



## Cobre

I know this situation sucks, the reason why such drastic and strong advice is given right away is because the shock it gives the cheating spouse to begin focusing back on the marriage. her sexting proves that she will rather divert her needs and energy to outside the relationship, so the stunned phase you are in right now you are going to make mistakes and are also going to learn way more then what you already know about what your wife has done and will most likely continue to do for a while longer. take actions now before greater damage occurs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski

Agman86 said:


> Sex is great, and I know she enjoys it as well.
> Yes she works, she has a very respectable job
> She doesn't have a drinking problem, this was a rare occurrence of her just drinking too much and it catching up to her.
> She was raised with a single mom so she has daddy issues a little bit.
> She and I have both gained about 20-25 lbs. Happy weight. I feel like we are both equally attractive. One of us doesn't severely out do the other in that regard.
> 
> Well this situation has been the hardest and most emotionally draining week of my life. I talked to her last night and we aired a lot of things out. What is eating at me the most is that I didn't get to read everything before I got locked out of the phone, so that unknown is driving me crazy. I couldn't sleep last night, it's all I could think about. I have told her I love her and how much she means to me and she has reciprocated. She said she knows it was stupid and hurtful and she let it go too far, and she said that she was drinking a lot during the days they were texting.
> 
> One thing I didn't mention is that the 5 days she was talking to him, and probably the 2nd guy, was bcuz she flew back home to help her mom make funeral arrangements for her estranged step father who passed away. So she was stressed out running around dealing with all of her mom's affairs and helping her grieve. But while she was gone she and I only spoke shortly or textured a little. I figured she had a full plate so I didn't pester her, but she had time to send over 450 messages to her ex . The 2nd guy and the ex both reached out to her on FB. The 1st guy did because she commented on his post and then they started texting after no contact for 15 yrs. The 2nd guy was a FB friend that she knew from HS and he lived in CA, although hrs away from her. She said she started talking to them in the same timeframe bcuz she liked the attention.
> 
> I want to recover deleted texts but I don't know how the he'll I'll get her phone alone for long enough to do it. I don't think a VAR is necessary bcuz I monitor the phone records already anyway.


Dude. You TAKE the phone. You have the absolute right to corroborate everything that she's told you. If she refuses to give it to you or she factory resets it... well, there's your answer.


----------



## warlock07

Agman86 said:


> Um, no. You don't know me, I'm not a doormat, I would not only whoop the guys ass but I'd toss her on the street.


So now you are dealing with it by subconsciously limiting yourself to the details of her affair, by believing the bull**** and lies she is telling you. So now you can justify remaining with her because you don't know all the details.


Ok, I am trying to piss you off here on purpose. Point is, do some basic verification of whether she is telling you lies or not. Then you can proceed to R or D. All you have now are cheater's word whose best interest is protecting herself. She is not you. She thinks and works differently than you do.


----------



## GusPolinski

Agman86 said:


> It is so hard man, I've never felt this kind of pain before and it's excruciating. That's what I need to help me move on, I want to read all of it to be sure.


Dude, I know EXACTLY what you're feeling. And *please trust me* when I tell you this...

TAKE. THE. PHONE.

It's the only way that you're going to get any peace.


----------



## warlock07

What exactly do you think would happen if you take her phone and tell her that you are recovering deleted texts on her phone to verify.


----------



## warlock07

> BTW that was the 1st time in 7 years I ever snooped on her, I went with my gut and I was right.


Read this again and again. Look back at your relationship.


----------



## Acoa

Agman86 said:


> I have told her she needed full disclosure and she says she has told me everything. I told her that if I ever find the slightest bit of flirting or infidelity we are done. Seeing as how we have only lived her for 7 months we don't really do anything separate. We're almost always together. She has disclosed things to me and she has deleted and blocked the #'s and FB. I really believe that is was a really stupid mistake and that she won't do it again. I really hope I'm right in this decision and I hope she doesn't do what your ex did. I'm taking a leap of faith here but I think we can recover from this.



Don't hope you are right, prove it. Snag the phone, set up the poly. If she is being truthful, she should encourage you in taking any steps you need to to put your suspicions to rest. 

We do anything in our power to comfort those we love. If she gets pissy about you taking her phone, really makes you wonder what she has to hide.

Don't treat her with kid gloves. She disrespected you and your marriage. Too bad if she has to bear the shame of that. If it really was just what she said, she'll get over it. The real issue is, it may be more. You need to be ready for that possibility.

I know it's difficult and hard to think she could lie to your face. But she did once, she can again. Read my story, it's long, but it has some strong parallels to your situation.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/62404-need-help-coping.html#/forumsite/20516


----------



## happy as a clam

Agman86 said:


> I just don't understand why a *happy* wife would stray for some emotional attention. *I think I am a great husband,* although I could compliment her more and say sweet things more. I am so torn up right now and of course I can't talk to anyone about this. My trust in her is broken and I don't know if it can ever be repaired.


First mistake... believing she's "happy." She's not. She's just faking it to keep the status quo.

Second mistake... you think you're a "great husband." You might be, but you're not a great husband for HER. She is not in love with you anymore; that's why she's testing the water with these other men.

Accept that your marriage is likely over, and move on.


----------



## tom67

GusPolinski said:


> Dude, I know EXACTLY what you're feeling. And *please trust me* when I tell you this...
> 
> TAKE. THE. PHONE.
> 
> It's the only way that you're going to get any peace.


Another possible spidey on this one.


----------



## Jibril

Agman86 said:


> Um, no. You don't know me, I'm not a doormat, I would not only whoop the guys ass but I'd toss her on the street.


Yeah, except you haven't. Your wife's messages are so blatantly sexual it's comical. She sexts her boyfriend while on a dinner date with _you_. Not only does she compare her ex boyfriend to you (and says he's _better_ than you), she all but _invites_ him to your home when your out of town. What do you think they would have done if they met up? Play checkers?

On top of that, she's also entertaining at _least_ one other guy. She knows snapchat deletes photo evidence, so it's obvious she has been doing this for a while. At least, it's clear she has done this before, and knows how to avoid a potential snooping husband.

So she communicates with her ex while neglecting you, says her ex is better than you, invites him to your home for sex, and is sending sexy pics to several guys. And all you've done since you started the thread is make _excuses_ for her.

"I love her more than life itself," you say. "I'm not ready to give up on the marriage," you say.

So when exactly will you? When you catch her _In flagrante delicto_? 

I don't mean to emasculate you, Agman86. I don't want you to throw your marriage away, either. I like happy endings, and it warms my heart to see people own up to their mistakes and try and rectify them. 

But your wife has a problem. That she can claim she is happy with you, and still go out of her way to solicit sex from her ex and possibly even her coworker, is a _huge_ problem. It's something she needs to address and work on, because "I don't know why I did it," _doesn't cut it_.

Ask for her phone. Outright. Tell her to remove her password, and give you the damned phone. If she refuses, she has something to hide, which means the rabbit hole is much deeper than you know. If she gives it to you, do your best to dig up whatever you can from past texts. 

And see if you can't schedule some counseling. For her, primarily, and then for the two of you. Whatever the bug is what crawled up her ass and gave her this cheating-itch, it needs to be found and squashed before the marriage can move forward.

But you also need to have your hand over the "nuke" button the entire time this goes on. You _cannot_ give her an inch, and if she balks at anything , you need to blow up the marriage. 

I'm sorry to say that I don't believe her when she says she's admitted to everything. I don't believe her at all. The very evidence you have uncovered so far says otherwise. She _knows_ how to cheat. She knows how to sext without getting caught, she knows when to invite men over to your home. It seems to me that this is _not_ her first rodeo. Which is also why I think you need to prepare yourself for the worst.


----------



## warlock07

> She deleted everything off her phone so now I'll never know if it was just 2 guys. I can't believe a word she says and I fear that if I stay with her she is bound to cheat again.





> But I asked her why the hell she would delete her texts with the *coworker *if she had nothing to hide and she said " I didn't think I needed to defend every one of my conversations". Unbelievable!That would have given her some credibility.


Missed this part somehow. I was thinking both were long distance EA's. Is this a current co-worker ?

If it is OP, then it more likely a PA.


----------



## G.J.

Your gut instinct said something was wrong and it was

your gut is telling you again about the phone....so this time its wrong :scratchhead:

1.*Grab* the phone tell her you can retrieve messages from it and watch what she does

2.She will try everything to get it back from you as her marriage depends on you not finding out what's on it

3.Ask her again before you recover messages what's on there


----------



## Squeakr

Agman86 said:


> Sex is great, and I know she enjoys it as well.
> Yes she works, she has a very respectable job
> She doesn't have a drinking problem, this was a rare occurrence of her just drinking too much and it catching up to her.
> She was raised with a single mom so she has daddy issues a little bit.
> She and I have both gained about 20-25 lbs. Happy weight. I feel like we are both equally attractive. One of us doesn't severely out do the other in that regard.
> 
> Well this situation has been the hardest and most emotionally draining week of my life. I talked to her last night and we aired a lot of things out. What is eating at me the most is that I didn't get to read everything before I got locked out of the phone, so that unknown is driving me crazy. I couldn't sleep last night, it's all I could think about. I have told her I love her and how much she means to me and she has reciprocated. She said she knows it was stupid and hurtful and she let it go too far, and she said that she was drinking a lot during the days they were texting.
> 
> One thing I didn't mention is that the 5 days she was talking to him, and probably the 2nd guy, was bcuz she flew back home to help her mom make funeral arrangements for her estranged step father who passed away. So she was stressed out running around dealing with all of her mom's affairs and helping her grieve. But while she was gone she and I only spoke shortly or textured a little. I figured she had a full plate so I didn't pester her, but she had time to send over 450 messages to her ex . The 2nd guy and the ex both reached out to her on FB. The 1st guy did because she commented on his post and then they started texting after no contact for 15 yrs. The 2nd guy was a FB friend that she knew from HS and he lived in CA, although hrs away from her. She said she started talking to them in the same timeframe bcuz she liked the attention.
> 
> I want to recover deleted texts but I don't know how the he'll I'll get her phone alone for long enough to do it. I don't think a VAR is necessary bcuz I monitor the phone records already anyway.


Sorry your experiencing this but I must say that your story triggers me somewhat (say somewhat as meds have help me move on somewhat) but STBXW went back to CA to help her mom as well and ended up texting with old friends (had no texting plan and cost us extensively). She didn't contact me much as she was "busy" and years later it tutns out she would dump out kids were it having her mom or friends and then go out with others. She ended up F'ing at least one old friend 2 times while there. 

I too thought we had a good and happy marriage and sex life yet she told people otherwise and showed it through her actions. Don't discredit that she didn't do something while there and that your perceptions are different than hers regarding everything. We knew fee people where we lived and were together almost every moment except work time so I never suspected. Turns out she was affairing with a neighbor and taking days off to drive to other states and cities to f other guys. She never chatted with me nor sent me pictures yet she did that with at least 4 other guys that I have verified (who knows how many that I don't know of). I am not saying your w is doing this just don't believe that she is as pure as you think as she has aleady proven her propensity to cheat and shown the levels she will go to to hide it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## OldWolf57

Jibril, good point on the her knowing snapchat. A, that's not something anyone just knows, get the software and ask for the phone.
And do NOT be put off with the "I told you all" tears or anger.
Just say, no forgiving until you know all and has verified.

A question. Does the old bf lives in the same town she visited to help mom?


----------



## Chaparral

Does this mean she sleeps with her phone and you cant get it day or night? She doesn't leave it laying around when she showers etc.? Biggest red flag of all.

Sorry but if she takes care you're never alone with phone this is much worse than you think.


----------



## Squeakr

OldWolf57 said:


> Jibril, good point on the her knowing snapchat. A, that's not something anyone just knows, get the software and ask for the phone.
> And do NOT be put off with the "I told you all" tears or anger.
> Just say, no forgiving until you know all and has verified.
> 
> A question. Does the old bf lives in the same town she visited to help mom?


First, about he Snapchat knowledge, don't underestimate her and her APs knowledge. My STBXW was not very tech savvy, but I found out that she had several APs feeding her the information she needed technologically and even going so far as to set up email, Skype, and chat accounts for her and guide her in how to handle herself and situation as they present themselves and how to clean up after herself. She was being primed on it all, and so could your W.

Second, Don't discount now that you know that she gets a burner phone, as that is where my STYBXW and several other cheaters have gone once theirs is compromised.

Last, It matters not if the ex-BF lived in the same town. Being that she was there alone she had plenty of time to drive and carry on and she would only have to drive half way at best as he could met or come to her (heck when my STBXW was there helping her MOM, one of the APs had a Dad die and he came from the east coast to help with planning and arrangements and that is when the 2 did the deed, then they continued it after both returned to their respective homes, which were 1 state apart).


----------



## arbitrator

Don't just walk away from her skanky lying ass, run away ~ cut your losses and save your sanity!

And in a weak moment of drinking and not having her there for you as a sexual outlet, don't be trying to get amorous with her in a weak moment. That could well amount to a life-altering decision of insulating her into the remainder of your life with an unneeded pregnancy!

Get with a good family attorney and fastly grease the skids on making her your future XW!


----------



## ButtPunch

The OP seems desperate to hang on to this marriage. So much so that he refuses to see what is right in front of him. A defense mechanism to save him more pain. 

OP

YOU MUST TAKE HER OFF THE PEDESTAL AND GET THE DAMN PHONE.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

Ignorance is bliss.

From what you've written here so far, it's more than just a possibility that your wife has had physical contact with a man, other than you, since you've been together.

I think that you are afraid to look into it too deeply, because you know what you will most likely find.

Since you've confronted her on her(at least) EA's, she's told you what you want to hear and you've tried to except as being the truth.

But you know that it's not all of the truth. That there's most certainly more to her story. Otherwise, you wouldn't be here.

The only way that you're ever going to get this truth is if you look for it yourself.

When she told one of the OM's that you travel a lot for work, she was opening the door for this guy to now say the right things to get her to meet with him, while you were away. You say it was because she was dunk. Well there's an old saying that alcohol was is the original truth serum.

I wish you luck in getting a good night sleep the next time you're out of town for work. You'll be tossing and turning the whole night through, because you know she had already given one OM a green light on a potential rendezvous.

You'll be wondering, were there any before this guy?... Will there be any after?...


----------



## arbitrator

She has "trickle-truthed" you to no end! Her deception makes it abundantly clear that if she tells you something along the lines of "we only kissed," your reply really ought to be one of "Well Sweetheart! Was that an oral kiss or a pelvic one?"

From what you've thus far presented to the forum, she has been playing you like a cheap banjo!

Please don't let yourself be deluded any longer! Take action!


----------



## badmemory

Agman86 said:


> I'm not a doormat, I would not only whoop the guys ass but I'd toss her on the street.


Yet, you're afraid to insist she give you her phone and password.


----------



## Cubby

Agman, since you caught her texting and she now realizes you're now perusing the phone records, don't look past the possibility that she uses a burner phone. A wise move might be to purchase a voice-activated recorder (VAR) and velcro it securely under the seat of her car.


----------



## arbitrator

Please educate the unenlightened! What exactly is a "burner phone" and can it do and not do?


----------



## Acoa

arbitrator said:


> Please educate the unenlightened! What exactly is a "burner phone" and can it do and not do?



No contract phone bought with cash. Typically a cheap disposable phone. Used for calling and texting so you can't see the activity on your phone bill.


----------



## Chaparral

She should offer the phone and password. Until then he should not demand it. He should be getting it when she sleeps so she doesn't know what he he is finding.

I can't remember anyone here not finding deleted texts to be worse than they thought.

Saying you would be out of town meant she was inviting him to your house.


----------



## Squeakr

Acoa said:


> No contract phone bought with cash. Typically a cheap disposable phone. Used for calling and texting so you can't see the activity on your phone bill.


This and so it can't be tied/ traced to anyone. Since it is no contract and requires no background checks (like lots of post paid/ contract phones) they are easily discarded and disposed of. Lots of criminal types use these, since they can be had for cash without sacrificing personal information, they can't be traced back to the user when anything suspect or illegal may take place through them.


----------



## nuclearnightmare

Agman86 said:


> She is a wonderful, caring, and loving woman


impossible, based on her behavior. loving and caring people DO NOT do the things she is doing now, and what she has done.

I've never been cheated on BTW. So I've never been tempted or challenged to redefine what "love" means or what "caring" means. it is hard in your situation and based on how you still feel about her - but it is not in your long term interest to compromise in those areas either.


----------



## Chaparral

She should offer the phone and password. Until then he should not demand it. He should be getting it when she sleeps so she doesn't know what he he is finding.

I can't remember anyone here not finding deleted texts to be worse than they thought.

Saying you would be out of town meant she was inviting him to your house.


----------



## Squeakr

Chaparral said:


> Saying you would be out of town meant she was inviting him to your house.


Or at the very least she would be available that entire time and not have to hide the conversations and sneak about it like they normally have been. My STBXW said the same to her APs that were long distance when I went out of town (and I know she would have met them if they were close by or in the area/ willing to travel, but some times it just was not an option), as it gave them the green light to open and free communications, pic exchanging, video chatting, etc without chance of getting caught.


----------



## azteca1986

Agman86 said:


> I want to recover deleted texts but I don't know how the he'll I'll get her phone alone for long enough to do it.


Ask for the phone and the password. Don't take "No", in whatever form she tries, for an answer.


> I don't think a VAR is necessary bcuz I monitor the phone records already anyway.


Have you heard of Skype (or a whole host of VoIP apps available)? Download, chat, message, get each other off. Delete. Your wife knows the drill. You won't find evidence looking at a phone record.

A VAR strategically placed in a likely location will pick up the audio.


----------



## DoveEnigma13

askari said:


> I wish I caught my wife sexting etc....I sometimes even wish she would have an affair because then atleast I would know that she IS into sex, can be romantic, erotic, horny etc.
> 
> But just not with me.


Yeah no. Take it from me. Not worth it.


----------



## Squeakr

DoveEnigma13 said:


> Yeah no. Take it from me. Not worth it.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree: I wondered about my STBXW after the birth of the second child and she stopped being intimate. When I found out the truth, I can tell you it wasn't a "happy" surprise.


----------



## DoveEnigma13

warlock07 said:


> Ask her for the phone. You shouldn't have to do it in secret. She is playing nice because you are being the naive gullible hubby you usually are.
> 
> One guy on here took his wife's phone and left in his car.


Heh. That's a good one.

I just forwarded all her emails from her "secret" email account to mine.


----------



## Squeakr

DoveEnigma13 said:


> Heh. That's a good one.
> 
> I just forwarded all her emails from her "secret" email account to mine.


I did the same, after making screen shots, printing them out and backing them up to several places.


----------



## Mr.Fisty

The denial is strong with this one. I did not know that caring involved other men that your wife lied about, kept hidden from you, and goes around sneaking behind your back. Love is sure grand. If she is loving and caring, then why are you on here? Sounds like you have the perfect wife, or near enough that fits you perfectly. You should accept her then as she is. You keep going on about how wonderful she is, that she likes to share how wonderful she is with other men. She is sure into sharing how wonderful she is, and the shady behavior just adds a little spice to the mix. Plus the deception is what a true loving wife is. Why don't you share her wonderful qualities and start sending text and sexy pictures to other women. Keep things hidden from your wife, and lie to her face, because love is sharing, and you should reciprocate.


----------



## Tomara

Please wake up and listen to these people. Now is not the time to be naïve. You think you hurt now, you haven't a clue how much it's going to hurt years down the road.... It will happen again.


----------



## farsidejunky

Agman:

My intuition says you are a Marine Corps or Army Recruiter. If that is the case, you had better get on this sooner rather than later. That environment will crush strong marriages.

ETA: You claim to not be a doormat but you are singularly unwilling to levy consequences. If one of your subordinates refused to do what you know had to be done, would you allow it?


----------



## thummper

Agman86 said:


> That's exactly what I'm trying to do. I'm a firm believer in 2nd chances, and while very hurtful her sexting wasn't a PA, which would be an instant kick to the curb from me. I am willing to allow her to try to regain my trust. I will have a watchful eye now and *if I can find a way to get her phone *alone I will try to recover messages. I saw all of them from the main guy and the 2nd guy only had a couple before it likely moved to snapchat. I still didn't get to go thru it with a fine tooth comb, which is what's bothering me.


I can't believe you're letting her get away without handing over that phone. What do you mean: "If I can find a way to get her phone?" !!!! DEMAND the phone! You're just letting her stonewall you!  *TAKE THE PHONE!!!!!!!!!!*


----------



## MattMatt

thummper said:


> I can't believe you're letting her get away without handing over that phone. What do you mean: "If I can find a way to get her phone?" !!!! DEMAND the phone! You're just letting her stonewall you!  *TAKE THE PHONE!!!!!!!!!!*


But don't just "*take the phone*."

Why? Because nobody wants to hear the words: "And that, your honour, is the case for the defence."

In real life actions have consequences.


----------



## IIJokerII

AGMAN,

You can either take a look at my thread's first post and then read the last few pages and see what happens when you let her keep that phone in the dark from you. Unless you know the code you need to demand she hand it over or file the Divorce as a warning shot, which by her actions will or will not graduate to a declaration of war vs w warning. Do not post about her responses, replies or anger. You are being fvcked over. 

No need to hide, unless something's inside.


----------



## IIJokerII

MattMatt said:


> But don't just "*take the phone*."
> 
> Why? Because nobody wants to hear the words: "And that, your honour, is the case for the defence."
> 
> In real life actions have consequences.


Follow this Matt, she calls the cops and all bets are off, demand and file, nothing more to it.


----------



## MattMatt

IIJokerII said:


> Follow this Matt, she calls the cops and all bets are off, demand and file, nothing more to it.


Better to catch a fly with paper smeared with honey, rather than soaking it in vinegar.


----------



## thenub

You can catch many more flies with sh!t....... Just saying.


----------



## MattMatt

thenub said:


> You can catch many more flies with sh!t....... Just saying.


Catch them with honey and they stay EXACTLY where you want them to!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## G.J.

I remember catching mine with my zip....ouch :slap:


----------



## Q tip

Agman86 said:


> I don't believe for 1 second she would leave me for him. He's a white trash loser with a crummy job, and long ago when they dated(high school) he up and left her and she didn't know why. She said that him saying those things to her made her feel vindicated and a sense of closure, and then she let the booze help her take it too far.


btw... Old flame, hot forbidden sex with orgasm can change the calculus of that logic... That and the unknown reason breakup can do things to her mind.

Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011. Athol Kay. Read it.


----------



## sidney2718

MattMatt said:


> But don't just "*take the phone*."
> 
> Why? Because nobody wants to hear the words: "And that, your honour, is the case for the defence."
> 
> In real life actions have consequences.


I don't understand what you are saying. Most divorce is no fault. That he grabbed her phone won't bother anyone but her.

And by the way, if he asks for it and she won't give it to him, there's his answer. If she does give it to him, he then has the phone. Asking is a no lose situation.


----------



## sidney2718

Anybody heard from the OP lately?


----------



## Squeakr

sidney2718 said:


> I don't understand what you are saying. Most divorce is no fault. That he grabbed her phone won't bother anyone but her.


Except it can be theft, and if he accesses the information without her permission, it can be hacking and other data violation laws (especially with the new federal and state protections that have been enacted regarding cell phones and the data contained within). The odds that the state or feds will prosecute are extremely low, but it is a chance that you take in "taking" the phone. Just more fuel for the fire to be used in D (might to matter in property division, but can play a part in custody as character comes into play there).


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

sidney2718 said:


> Anybody heard from the OP lately?


He's either doing one of two things.

He's gone covert and is trying to find out some of the things that his WS won't tell him that she's don/is doing.

OR

He's got his head buried in the sand, waiting for it all to go away.

Then the tide(truth) starts to roll in and he's forced to pull his head out and face the reality that he may not, or ever. know the truth about what his wife has done.


----------



## Acoa

We gave the OP sound advice. We can't make him accept it. If she is as she seems, more will surface and perhaps he will return.

I was there 2 years before my D. Seeing the facts but unwilling to put them in the order they belonged. Sometimes it just more pain than you can absorb all at once. An active wayward is more than willing to help you fill in the gaps with lies and trickery to help hold on to their fantasy.


----------



## sidney2718

Squeakr said:


> Except it can be theft, and if he accesses the information without her permission, it can be hacking and other data violation laws (especially with the new federal and state protections that have been enacted regarding cell phones and the data contained within). The odds that the state or feds will prosecute are extremely low, but it is a chance that you take in "taking" the phone. Just more fuel for the fire to be used in D (might to matter in property division, but can play a part in custody as character comes into play there).


I take your point. But in many states it won't figure into the divorce at all. As for character, she's the one doing the adultery.

By the way, who actually owns the phone? Who pays for it? And who gets the bills.


----------



## Squeakr

sidney2718 said:


> I take your point. But in many states it won't figure into the divorce at all. As for character, she's the one doing the adultery.
> 
> By the way, who actually owns the phone? Who pays for it? And who gets the bills.


I see my typo, that was supposed to read not matter in property division, but in custody battles. As for adultery, in most states that is no longer a criminal offense, and only in few a civil offense, so most judges couldn't care less about adultery, whereas theft is a criminal offense, so it will almost always count against character.


----------



## MattMatt

sidney2718 said:


> I don't understand what you are saying. Most divorce is no fault. That he grabbed her phone won't bother anyone but her.
> 
> And by the way, if he asks for it and she won't give it to him, there's his answer. If she does give it to him, he then has the phone. Asking is a no lose situation.


Grabbing a phone could be construed as assault.


----------



## GusPolinski

MattMatt said:


> Grabbing a phone could be construed as assault.


Uhhh... if you say so.

And honestly it doesn't matter anyway. OP hasn't participated in almost 2 weeks.


----------



## ConanHub

Grab my phone baby!&#55357;&#56840;&#55357;&#56833;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Squeakr

GusPolinski said:


> Uhhh... if you say so.
> 
> And honestly it doesn't matter anyway. OP hasn't participated in almost 2 weeks.


MM is somewhat right. It was be battery, but the attention was good here  . Had a friend that was arguing with his WW and grabbed her phone (they were playing tug of war with it, but neither touching the other, just the phone in between). She got it away, called 911 and her was arrested and removed for battery on his wife and DV. He had to do community service and probation. Sucked for him.


----------



## GusPolinski

Squeakr said:


> MM is somewhat right. It was be battery, but the attention was good here  . Had a friend that was arguing with his WW and grabbed her phone (they were playing tug of war with it, but neither touching the other, just the phone in between). She got it away, called 911 and her was arrested and removed for battery on his wife and DV. He had to do community service and probation. Sucked for him.












(This is a joke, BTW... Mrs. Gus has never reported me for DV, falsely or otherwise. She's never had a reason to!  )


----------



## Squeakr

Classic Piscopo there!!!


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Agman86 said:


> This guy is a white trash loser that is a low level line cook, whereas I'm educated and have a pretty good career. I don't think she would try to leave me for him.


So, which reality check do you want?
Cheated with a drug dealer?
Left for a guy living with his mom?
Unemployed other man?
Out of shape sick older man who eventually died?


Affairs rarely follow any sort of logic.


----------



## GusPolinski

phillybeffandswiss said:


> So, which reality check do you want?
> Cheated with a drug dealer?
> Left for a guy living with his mom?
> Unemployed other man?
> *Out of shape sick older man who eventually died?*
> 
> 
> Affairs rarely follow any sort of logic.


Which thread was this... Allybabe_18?


----------



## Mr Right

phillybeffandswiss said:


> So, which reality check do you want?
> Cheated with a drug dealer?
> Left for a guy living with his mom?
> Unemployed other man?
> Out of shape sick older man who eventually died?
> 
> 
> Affairs rarely follow any sort of logic.


He doesn't seem to get it that his wife probably doesn't want to leave him, she just wants everyone to bang her on the side and really she won't stop because OP is a full blown BETA, the quicker he ALPHA'S up and reattaches his balls the quicker he can pull her into line or give her the flick!!!


----------



## Jasel

Damn this thread was painful to read. Talk about denial.


----------



## Mr Right

Jasel said:


> Damn this thread was painful to read. Talk about denial.


Probably can't blame him, those of us that have been cheated on know better!!!


----------



## Acoa

Mr Right said:


> Probably can't blame him, those of us that have been cheated on know better!!!



I tried being gentle, others used the 2x4s. Just goes to show, we see what we want to see, and our minds play tricks on us to protect us from pain. 

My guess is he knew what was going on before he posted. Just isn't ready to accept it yet. I was there, I can empathize to a point.


----------



## Agman86

Acoa said:


> I tried being gentle, others used the 2x4s. Just goes to show, we see what we want to see, and our minds play tricks on us to protect us from pain.
> 
> My guess is he knew what was going on before he posted. Just isn't ready to accept it yet. I was there, I can empathize to a point.


Your guess is wrong. I had no idea about this until I found out. That being said I haven't been on here in a while because we have been working things out and things have been good, until today. One of my conditions for her to regain my trust was to delete her snapchat app. Tonight I saw her using it and confronted her. She said she uses the app only to communicate with her distant teenage cousins, and that they don't use Facebook or texting as I suggested she do. I told her I made it abundantly clear that I wanted this off her phone and I was pissed that she never deleted it. She argued with me and acted as though I was being unreasonable with my request. I'm putting my foot down though, it's either me or the app. If she doesn't comply then she doesn't give a Damn about our marriage.


----------



## Chaparral

How will you know if she just starts deleting it and reinstalling it?


----------



## warlock07

Agman86 said:


> Your guess is wrong. I had no idea about this until I found out. That being said I haven't been on here in a while because we have been working things out and things have been good, until today. One of my conditions for her to regain my trust was to delete her snapchat app. Tonight I saw her using it and confronted her. She said she uses the app only to communicate with her distant teenage cousins, and that they don't use Facebook or texting as I suggested she do. I told her I made it abundantly clear that I wanted this off her phone and I was pissed that she never deleted it. She argued with me and acted as though I was being unreasonable with my request. I'm putting my foot down though, it's either me or the app. If she doesn't comply then she doesn't give a Damn about our marriage.


She is lying again and you are being an dense and gullible like you previously were in this thread. 

Really, that was the reason she came up with ? of all the things, snapchat ? And now you are giving her an ultimatum that it you or the app ?? 

I really can't believe that you can be this stupid!!!(I tried really hard not to use the word). She never came clean completely and now she resumed it back again. And she is even arguing back about it. Get it ? She had you fooled so completely that she had no issue resuming it again so brazenly and argue back about it.

Maybe you will post again after wasting a few more years of your life. At this point, the "fool me once" really applies to you.



> I also briefly saw her much shorter thread with another guy where he was talking dirty to her and asked for pics, *for which my wife replied: use snapchat because it deletes the evidence. All she told me was that she knew if from back home*. Unfortunately while hooking up to my pc to save all this I could not remember the pass code and was permanently locked out of her phone. She woke up and asked if I had seen her phone and I confronted her. She didn't try to deny it. She deleted everything off her phone so now I'll never know if it was just 2 guys. I can't believe a word she says and I fear that if I stay with her she is bound to cheat again.


You deserve some kind of award for your sheer gullibility!!


----------



## OldWolf57

Ag, go buy a basic phone with no data or txt, ask for her phone and give her that one. Problem solved.


----------



## OldWolf57

Or maybe just go online and shut down her phone on the plan.


----------



## G.J.

Agman86 said:


> Her sending a cleavage pic.
> 
> I found a long thread with an *ex of hers *
> 
> Then he started *calling her beautiful *and from there it got more *sexual*. My wife said he did things for her *that I don't*, and *she also said I go out of town for work *every few months. He sent her nude pics and she sent cleavage pics and pics of her face.
> 
> *She's telling the guy she wants to meet up and Fvck simple as that*
> 
> I also briefly saw her much shorter thread with another guy where he was talking dirty to her and asked for pics, for which my wife replied: use snapchat because it deletes the evidence.
> 
> *She's on the prowl for guys and knows how to throw out bait*
> 
> Over *430 messages in 5 days*, and 2 late night calls both over 20 minutes. To make matters worse I noticed another # showing up a lot and she told me *it was a guy she works with* that is just a friend. He is married and has 2 kids and yet *they were texting a at late hrs of the night*. Who does that?
> She swears the *guy from work is a friend* and said she was sexting the other guys because it made her feel good to be complimented and to have her ex tell her he screwed up was gratifying and provided closure.
> But I asked her why the hell she would *delete her texts with the coworker *if she had nothing to hide
> 
> *She is probably screwing him and has enjoyed it and once she's strayed she wants more as she finds it so easy being with you and cake eating*
> 
> My trust in her is broken and I don't know if it can ever be repaired. .


Personally I would have slapped her with a D as your only a year into marriage and blew her away as all your going to get is heartache

She knows full well what she's doing and* she isn't content *with one guy yet

She is at the least in a EA with her Co worker and I would imagine with her exploits with her pics on what's app then full PA is more than likely

If you insist on trying to stay with her, which I cringe at, then you will need to monitor her like a biologist looking for a cure for Ebola

*Go to weightlifter list and follow his instructions*


----------



## turnera

Agman86 said:


> Your guess is wrong. I had no idea about this until I found out. That being said I haven't been on here in a while because we have been working things out and things have been good, until today. One of my conditions for her to regain my trust was to delete her snapchat app. Tonight I saw her using it and confronted her. She said she uses the app only to communicate with her distant teenage cousins, and that they don't use Facebook or texting as I suggested she do. I told her I made it abundantly clear that I wanted this off her phone and I was pissed that she never deleted it. She argued with me and acted as though I was being unreasonable with my request. I'm putting my foot down though, it's either me or the app. If she doesn't comply then she doesn't give a Damn about our marriage.


Did you demand that she hand over her phone whenever you ask, so you can check?


----------



## Locke.Stratos

Agman86 said:


> Your guess is wrong. I had no idea about this until I found out. That being said I haven't been on here in a while because we have been working things out and things have been good, until today. One of my conditions for her to regain my trust was to delete her snapchat app. Tonight I saw her using it and confronted her. She said she uses the app only to communicate with her distant teenage cousins, and that they don't use Facebook or texting as I suggested she do. I told her I made it abundantly clear that I wanted this off her phone and I was pissed that she never deleted it. She argued with me and acted as though I was being unreasonable with my request. I'm putting my foot down though, it's either me or the app. If she doesn't comply then she doesn't give a Damn about our marriage.


You know you've lost all semblance of conviction, command and respect if you're issuing ultimatums right? It's weak, pathetic and utterly desperate. You will look bad and ridiculous, worse you'll feel these about yourself.

She's made it abundantly clear that she doesn't care what you think. Your idle threats and tantrums mean nothing to her if she's even considering keeping the App, less than nothing because she's kept it given that it was one of your conditions.

She doesn't give a damn about the marriage, now what? Will you continue to pout, argue and have your little hissy fits? Time to follow through.


----------



## lordmayhem

Agman86 said:


> Um, no. You don't know me, I'm not a doormat, I would not only whoop the guys ass but I'd toss her on the street.


You sure talk the talk. Yet here you are a month and a half later and nothing's changed. She knows you won't do a damn thing.

Verdict: *False R*.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Agman86 said:


> I'm putting my foot down though, it's either me or the app. If she doesn't comply then she doesn't give a Damn about our marriage..


I learned long ago, don't make ultimatums you aren't prepared to enforce. She broke your trust and you immediately trusted her to do the right thing. Sorry, to me, you should be pissed at yourself. Yes, I know "she is an adult," "you can't control her" blah blah blah. You can control what *you *tolerate as an adult.

So, did you grab the phone or argue? I'd have been checking right when I saw what she was using.


----------



## turnera

Agman86 said:


> I'm putting my foot down though, it's either me or the app. If she doesn't comply then she doesn't give a Damn about our marriage.


Agman, so you know, how this was SUPPOSED to be worded is this:

I'm putting my foot down, though; it's either me or the app. If she doesn't comply, _I will hand her the divorce papers _and tell her I'll see her in court.

What YOU said was Nice Guy passive aggressiveness and will NOT give you what you want - since it has no CONSEQUENCE.

The consequence is what YOU do if she oversteps your boundary (ditch the app).


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

Agman86 said:


> Your guess is wrong. I had no idea about this until I found out. That being said I haven't been on here in a while because we have been working things out and things have been good, until today. One of my conditions for her to regain my trust was to delete her snapchat app. Tonight I saw her using it and confronted her. She said she uses the app only to communicate with her distant teenage cousins, and that they don't use Facebook or texting as I suggested she do. I told her I made it abundantly clear that I wanted this off her phone and I was pissed that she never deleted it. She argued with me and acted as though I was being unreasonable with my request. I'm putting my foot down though, it's either me or the app. If she doesn't comply then she doesn't give a Damn about our marriage.


----------



## carmen ohio

Agman86 said:


> . . . *This past Sunday evening my wife* of 1 year (6 yrs before marriage) and I were out at dinner and she was a little tipsy from drinking all day. So *she was on her phone a lot and not paying attention to me,* so I glanced at her screen from across the table and *I saw what appeared to be a guys name that I didn't recognize and her sending a cleavage pic.* When I asked what she was doing she quickly closed it out and pulled up a pic of her new belly button ring. When we got home and she fell asleep I was able to figure out her swipe pass code and I found a long thread with an ex of hers from high school that she hasn't spoken to in 15 yrs. At first it was a lot of catching up, talking about his kids, how he screwed up letting her go etc.. Then he started calling her beautiful and from there it got more sexual. *My wife said he did things for her that I don't,* and she also said I go out of town for work every few months. He sent her nude pics and *she sent cleavage pics and pics of her face.* This was way more than light flirting.
> 
> *I also briefly saw her much shorter thread with another guy where he was talking dirty to her and asked for pics, for which my wife replied: use snapchat because it deletes the evidence. *All she told me was that she knew if from back home. Unfortunately while hooking up to my pc to save all this I could not remember the pass code and was permanently locked out of her phone. She woke up and asked if I had seen her phone and I confronted her. She didn't try to deny it. She deleted everything off her phone so now I'll never know if it was just 2 guys. I can't believe a word she says and I fear that if I stay with her she is bound to cheat again.
> 
> I looked at the phone and text records and the talking to the 1st guy had started 5 days prior, which she told me before I got the records. *Over 430 messages in 5 days, and 2 late night calls both over 20 minutes.* To make matters worse *I noticed another # showing up a lot and she told me it was a guy she works* with that is just a friend. He is married and has 2 kids and yet t*hey were texting a at late hrs of the night.* Who does that? The 2 guys she was sexting with live on the other side of the country so definitely no physical contact. She swears the guy from work is a friend and said she was sexting the other guys because it made her feel good to be complimented and to have her ex tell her he screwed up was gratifying and provided closure. She has also gained a little weight the last coupe years and doesn't feel sexy anymore. I still think she's gorgeous and I can barely keep my hands off her. But I asked her why the hell she would delete her texts with the coworker if she had nothing to hide and she said " I didn't think I needed to defend every one of my conversations". Unbelievable!That would have given her some credibility.
> 
> *I love her more than life itself* and I thought our marriage was great. *She swears she loves me* and didn't mean to hurt me so bad. She says she is very happy with me and even told that to sexting guy #1 when he asked. I just don't understand why a happy wife would stray for some emotional attention. I think I am a great husband, although I could compliment her more and say sweet things more. I am so torn up right now and of course I can't talk to anyone about this. My trust in her is broken and I don't know if it can ever be repaired. I am just looking for advice from people that have gone through this. Thanks for reading this long diatribe.





Agman86 said:


> *She has shown genuine remorse IMO.* She said it was a dumb game to her and she doesn't know why she did it. *She is committed to earning my trust back.* She's unfriended the guys on FB, *deleted snapchat,* deleted and blocked their #'s. I have told her that I'm not going to micromanage everything she does but that she needs to be fully open and honest with me, and that *if I ever find the slightest bit of infidelity I will kick her to the curb.* I believe in my heart and my head that she made a foolish mistake and that *it won't happen again.* I am not one to give up on our marriage. Yes it's only been a little over a yr but we've been inseparable for 7 yrs. I will definitely keep a keen eye on her and I'm 100% on board with birth control now bcuz I don't want a kid with her if I'm wrong. I hope I'm not making a bad decision and I appreciate all your input but I am going to give a 2nd and final chance.





Agman86 said:


> Your guess is wrong. I had no idea about this until I found out. That being said I haven't been on here in a while because we have been working things out and things have been good, until today. *One of my conditions for her to regain my trust was to delete her snapchat app. Tonight I saw her using it and confronted her. She said she uses the app only to communicate with her distant teenage cousins, and that they don't use Facebook or texting as I suggested she do. I told her I made it abundantly clear that I wanted this off her phone and I was pissed that she never deleted it. She argued with me and acted as though I was being unreasonable with my request. I'm putting my foot down though, it's either me or the app.* If she doesn't comply then she doesn't give a Damn about our marriage.


Let me get this straight. Your wife sexts and exchanges cleavage pictures with some dude (even doing it while out to dinner with you!). She advises another dude to use snapchat so as to _"delete the evidence."_ You catch her. She offers you a lame excuse. You buy it but you demand that she delete snapchat and you warn her not to do it again or you will _"kick her to the curb."_ Less than two months later, you catch her using snapchat again, again she offers you a lame excuse and, again, you buy it. But, this time, she refuses to delete the app and so you claim your going to put your _"foot down"_ but, so far, you've done nothing.

Time to wake up and smell the coffee, Agman86. Your wife has shown anything but _"genuine remorse."_ Rather, she has shown nothing but disrespect for you. Is she truthful when she says she loves you? My guess is that it is at least partly true -- she loves being married to a guy who _"love her more than life itself"_ despite the fact that she's cheating on him. Face it, Agman86, your wife is playing you and you know it, but you don't have the b*lls to do anything about it other than to mouth empty threats. She knows this and so will continue to _'dis'_ you until you give her a reason not to.

Hate to be harsh but I got to tell you, Agman86, given what has gone down and how pathetic has been your response, if you don't start to man up and give her some consequences, you will deserve anything that happens.


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## Acoa

Agman86 said:


> Your guess is wrong. I had no idea about this until I found out. That being said I haven't been on here in a while because we have been working things out and things have been good, until today. One of my conditions for her to regain my trust was to delete her snapchat app. Tonight I saw her using it and confronted her. She said she uses the app only to communicate with her distant teenage cousins, and that they don't use Facebook or texting as I suggested she do. I told her I made it abundantly clear that I wanted this off her phone and I was pissed that she never deleted it. She argued with me and acted as though I was being unreasonable with my request. I'm putting my foot down though, it's either me or the app. If she doesn't comply then she doesn't give a Damn about our marriage.



Am I wrong? I'm not saying you know like you have solid and comprehensive evidence. Not that you know the specifics of who, what, when and why. 

I mean you know deep in the pit of your gut she is hiding a secret. A painful one.


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## vellocet

Agman86 said:


> I just can't be sure I'll get full disclosure from her.


Then you go to him. Tell him you have caught her texting you inappropriately and sending inappropriate pictures.

And the next time you catch her doing this, smash her phone up against a brick wall and say, "there, send him pics of your tits now!!"




Agman86 said:


> Um, no. You don't know me, I'm not a doormat, I would not only whoop the guys ass but I'd toss her on the street.


Why would you whoop his ass if you wouldn't whoop her ass (and no, I'm not suggesting you do) Just saying, SHE is the one that is willingly betraying you directly. And don't get me wrong, anger at the OM is understandable. But consequences for him shouldn't exceed that for her.




> I'm a firm believer in 2nd chances, and while very hurtful her sexting wasn't a PA


Its still betrayal my man. 

So did you put your foot down and give her that ultimatum yet? What was the result?


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