# Pic Of Another Woman on His Phone



## struggle (May 13, 2013)

Damm*t......I had it all under control until that moment


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

How did you find out?


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

Ok - so I met STBXH at the bank to take my name off his account. He was very affectionate, opening the door for me, calling me pet names, etc. There was a long wait so we sat and talked a little about what's happening with each other. 

When the topic came to "going out" I asked him if he was doing anything besides working. He said no. The he asked me, "do you want to do something?" (wanna have sex innuendo). Me: "No"
We start talking about what happened with our 'getting back together' fallout, and he's talking like he is confused as to why we stopped talking to each other. "You were the best I ever had, seriously. I tell everybody that." He also mentioned that fact that it bugged him that I had decided to go out with my girlfriend on our anniversary instead of going out with him (the day of our anniversary we had the conversation about possibly working things out, but I had already made plans with my girlfriend and I told him so)

STBX: I'm glad you're going to IC for you, but not everyone needs to go to IC. I don't see how bringing a stranger into your life to tell you what to do helps anything. But if that's what you need, I support you
Me: I've been going to IC and recognizing things within myself that I need to work on and change. What have you recognized and/or changed about yourself?
STBX: I stopped the photography business, when we separated
Me: Ok. But I'm talking about YOU. Within YOURSELF
STBX: *Blank stare* Well what have YOU changed?

I start talking a bit about boundaries. Lets just say he started to take it personally, so I reminded him that I'm talking about things within MYSELF. Which calmed him down

We get into a manager's office and break out the paperwork. While she's working on it, STBXH's phone rings and he takes it out of his pocket thinking it was work. I look over and see a pic of a blonde girl I've never seen before on his background. He answers, it's his sister (who is NOT blonde btw). He hangs up and I look at him and say, "whose picture was that?" He looks at me weird, and says "what picture?" 
Me: The pic on your phone, who is it. Is it M? (knowing perfectly well it wasn't his sis)
STBX: yeah its a pic of M
Me: No it wasn't, it didn't look like her. Let me see
STBX: No
Me: What? Let me see
STBX: No....(chuckle)

The manager gets up to go make copies

STBX: Why are you acting like this in front of this lady?
Me: Acting like what? You won't show me this pic you have on your phone, who is it?

Manager comes back. Has us both sign...ironically saying "this is a signature confirming the end of this relationship". She also recognized the situation that has just transpired before her. She gets back up to make copies

STBX: You're acting crazy
Me: You're acting shady
STBX: *laughs* (this is so typical of him in situations like this...I get mad he laughs)
Me: *laughs* thinking....this sonofab*tch is playing games with me...

We leave and walk to the cars.

STBX: Precious, you have to stop getting like that
Me: Like what?
STBX: Acting like that in front of the lady, you know I don't like that
Me: Stop telling me how to feel. I see a picture of another woman on your phone, I'm allowed to feel any way I want.
STBX: Ok this is a problem. Why do you want to see my phone
Me: Because there's a pic of some chick on there and I asked to see it. And you're telling me no, and that makes it more freaking suspicious
STBX: But why did you have to do it in there?
Me: Because I saw it and I called it out in the moment it happened
STBX: See? It's that attitude.....you can't get like that
Me: I can get any way I want. You don't control me. Show me the phone
At this point I've pretty much lost control. I'm pissed. So pissed.....and all that's replaying in my head right now is what I saw on Marriage Bootcamp and that shady-a** man that wouldn't show his wife his phone because he was a dirty cheater and had something to hide.
STBX: (still not showing me the phone) Ok, it's a pic from a photoshoot I did. I've done a few photoshoots. You know how I had XXXX's photo on my phone for awhile?
Me: That was not XXXX (she is a dark brunette)
STBX: No it's not, but you know it's like that

STBX give me a hug, a kiss (all the while I'm not reciprocating). 
STBX: I've got to go back to work

I don't answer.
We continue the banter for awhile....him telling me I have attitude....then I tell him he's shady. He asks when we're going to get back together to talk about "our stuff". I don't answer. We leave the conversation with me blowing him off....which I've never ever done.

Not even 2 minutes later he calls my phone:
STBX: "Babe don't get like that"
I can't even remember what I said.
STBX: "You know I put photoshoot pics and stupid pics on my phone" (ummm...no I don't...but I guess in his world I do)
And to be honest I'm too exhausted to replay that conversation in my mind. I remember using the word liar a few times. He re-iterated that "I'm the best" and "We're going to do what's best for us" and we'll get back together and talk things out. It was a mistake to not call me for so long......

Basically, I showed him I gave sh(t...which was not what I was expecting to do. I'm telling you....during separation your X will do the same old tricks....and even surprise you - and you will surprise yourself


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

You need to detach emotionally from him and be unaffected a picture on his phone. I bet he got some ego strokes from seeing your reaction. Don't give him that.


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## parker (Dec 2, 2012)

I'm so sorry. I agree with Coffee. You should work toward detaching. He was being such a jerk. But now I'll play devil's advocate - what if he was being honest about the pic? What if it was just a simple photo from a photo shoot? Would that change things? Either way, detaching from him is healthy for YOU and it will help stabilize the roller coaster emotions.


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## stallion1 (Mar 12, 2014)

Coffee Amore said:


> You need to detach emotionally from him and be unaffected a picture on his phone. I bet he got some ego strokes from seeing your reaction. Don't give him that.


sucks you saw that. its so easy for us to work on things personally when the other isn't around. Then they trap you into an unproductive conversation. When you are in that moment with someone who you are familiar with and have interacted with the same way for so long, it seems difficult to bring out the new "you".

maybe our graduation day is when we can have that conversation and take control of it with our new thought process, boundries, knowledge, personal enlightenment, and do this without having to stop and think about it.

ive definitely fallen into that trap!

this all takes time and there will be bumps in the road. Right after you hit that bump its over and you can prepare for the next one.

so don't worry about your actions, learn from it, keep on keepin on. Nobody is perfect (except for crazy horse!):smthumbup:


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

At this point, for me, it's the game of "I'm not showing you my phone" that pisses me off. It could very well have been a photoshoot pic. But if it was, then whats the big deal of showing it to me?
I can tell a difference between a professional shot (especially his) and a normal picture. I just got a glimpse so I couldn't see well enough.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

Oh yes Coffee Amore...he got a big fat ego boost with that whole situation. 

Thanks Stallion. It was a surprise. I was not expecting that, nor was I expecting his reaction (or mine really). If he really had nothing to hide, then I was expecting a different reaction. In any case, it's a similar pattern of him trying to control my emotions and the way I act, based of what HE thinks is proper. With no regard to my emotions. 

He didn't care so much that I got upset, as much as he cared about how I acted in front of the lady in the bank (also typical of him)

So he shifted the focus of the conversation to him not wanting to show me this picture, to me, acting in a way he thought was inappropriate. 

He never showed me the pic on his phone. Which means he has something to hide. I always have drawn the line in my relationships about any infidelity, I never-ever want to feel an ounce of doubt about my SO, otherwise I'm out. He never has, until now. Now that he has crossed that line, I have to respect my boundary.

I CAN say..I said a lot of things I never have before. "Stop telling me how to feel. You don't control me." etc. I've never said those things to him before.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Struggle,

I'm sorry to hear about this. It stinks having to get your feelings hurt.

Makes my divorce/break-up seem "easy" after reading this.

I understand how you feel. It's complicated. You will be better off when the two of you are finally parted and have no legitimate reasons to see and speak with each other.

From what I'm reading, you are almost there. Love and heartbreak are deep rooted emotions that take a long time to get over. A long time. I bet there's a part of you that still loves him. Don't fight that part, make friends with it. Evaluate it and see it for what it's worth.

It's a different love now. A love that says good luck, I wish you well.

You'll get there.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Count yourself lucky that you saw that picture.

You got another glimpse at the "real" him. It should make your D even easier, knowing that you are doing the right thing.

FWIW, I used to discuss my IC revelations with my STBX. It was a waste of words.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

ThreeStrikes said:


> FWIW, I used to discuss my IC revelations with my STBX. It was a waste of words.


Individual counseling is just that. It's about you.

Briefing someone else on your "discoveries" is fixing behavior and buried in the conversation is your desire to convince him of something.

The only times I discussed any of my IC with my husband is when he asked about it. Even then, I kept the answers short.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

He asked me only because he didn't have an answer to my question. So true to form, he turned it around on me. But honestly, he wasn't really interested in my answer. He's a master at diversion tactics.

Not even two sentences in, he interrupted me to make his own point because he felt it to be a personal attack. He also used a pretty asinine example. Besides, to him, counselor's are just out for money. Not everyone needs to bring a professional into their life for help. Especially him. He's just fine.

I'm still just floored at the whole thing.

Every friend that I've talked to about it believes there has to be someone else, and he's trying to be a cake eater. Unfortunately for him, he answered his phone.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Remember, narcissists *need* people for attention and validation (supply).

If a person doesn't give them that supply, then that person is dismissed. This is why your STBX dismisses counselling.

When you stop giving him supply, he will eventually dismiss you, too. That will be a happy day in your life. However, he will continue to poke and prod you periodically to see if you will validate him. 

Your best option is to completely remove him from your life. Go NC, and keep up with your IC.


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