# Re-building Trust in the marriage?



## Wantherback

Guys, I need strength. I am being tested on my emotional capabilities. Wife wants to quit and we have 2 kids.

My marriage of 9 years has been plain and simple. We didn't fight much, but we didn't do anything too special either. I think that we both did few things stupid during the marriage and they were not too big to break the relationship. The biggest complaint against me is that I am not emotionally available and I tend not to disclose things (Not that I lie, but I am not chatty about the things that I do)

My biggest hurt is coming from the mother in law. MIL is staying with us for the past few months to take care of the kids. And her dislike for me is instigating my wife to take this extreme step. 

I don't like to lose her nor the kids. My wife is discrediting any promises that I am making since she thinks that I have broken them. I may not be thinking straight at this point. So please somebody suggest me what I can do to fix this and get my life back.. 

I begged and pleaded already .. I truly think that she can forgive me if she thinks that I can change or have changed.. How can I prove that to her.. and I am serious ..

Thanks


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## HopelesslyJaded

I guess people would need to know what you did?


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## Wantherback

HopelesslyJaded said:


> I guess people would need to know what you did?


There is no one incident that triggered the D.. but a few repeated incidents of ignoring wife's wishes .. and instructions .. and many times it is not intentional from my side .. I had developed a habit of discounting her words since she reacts very strongly to most things .. Over time she has mellowed so much, but I continued to ignore her a little ..

Now I regret ignoring her and I am willing to fix myself to give her undivided attention .. Help me get her back ..


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## HopelesslyJaded

I have to say that the first step would be the MIL getting out. She's a cancer on your marriage right now. Your wife needs to think for herself. There's nothing wrong with confiding in your parents but her there "helping" you has apparently given her a false sense of authority in your household.


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## howtofixmymarriage

Honestly approach her and tell her where you have messed up and how important it is for you to stay together. Then start working on changing YOU. (think how it would feel to be ignored and operate out of that). If you are serious, it will show in your actions. Words only last momentarily.


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## the guy

Sir please stop begging for your marriage, women want confident and strong men and begging and pleading is not attractive.

Tell your MIL to stay out of the marriage before she ends up in a home.

Stop tolorating the emotional blackmail and emotional torture and stand up for your self. Hell if life is so bad then help them pack and when they can show some appretiation for what you provide then you will think about taking your wife back.

Man its her choice if she wants to be a divorced mother with her mommy tagging along then let her have at it.

Don't be a fraid to ask them to leave, hell she the one that wants out then she can go.

So please stop apoligizing for getting treated like a doormat and show your women what you once were made of.

Its hard to show this tough love to some one so close to your heart...but damb it you have to command respect.


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## the guy

howtofixmymarriage said:


> Honestly approach her and tell her where you have messed up and how important it is for you to stay together. Then start working on changing YOU. (think how it would feel to be ignored and operate out of that). If you are serious, it will show in your actions. Words only last momentarily.


I think OP hasn't done anything wrong, except let his MIL effect the dynamics of the marriage by not standing up to both the women in the house.

I agree OP needs to change, and his first action should be hualing MIL off to a home if things don't start to get better.


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## the guy

Wantherback said:


> There is no one incident that triggered the D.. but a few repeated incidents of ignoring wife's wishes .. and instructions .. and many times it is not intentional from my side .. I had developed a habit of discounting her words since she reacts very strongly to most things .. Over time she has mellowed so much, but I continued to ignore her a little ..
> 
> Now I regret ignoring her and I am willing to fix myself to give her undivided attention .. Help me get her back ..


It sounds like you guys have a huge communication issue, so stop rolling over. You can be calm and firm, so take control of your marriage and establish your boundries and the consequences for when they are crossed.

It is just as wrong to distance your self, just like your chic is wrong for reacting very strongly to what you have to say.

Again if its that bad she can pack up her mom and the kids and stay at a friends house...right?


My point is don't get sucked into "I" need to do this and "I" should change this...when it should be "we" need to do this and "we" should change that.

Before you know she will have manipulated you into a doormat and all respect for you will be gone.


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## Wantherback

Thanks for the input .. 

First of all, I decided not to beg anymore .. 

I started on 180 .. and I see some small changes I think .. but I want to be a better person first (as Lynn said) with or without her .. 

The_guy, I agree that I am not very assertive when it comes to confronting others .. and MIL is confrontation freak .. waiting to pick a bone on any topic .. particularly against me .. So in the interest of not affecting my wife, I am putting up with MIL .. and MIL is leaving in couple of weeks .. Hoping that this will bring about changes ..

Importantly, I have not anything seriously wrong .. no bad habits, nothing hurtful to others .. just ignored my wife in some decisions ..


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## Thundarr

First tell your wife that you want to work on this and you hope she does too.

See if you can actually figure out what you want out of your marriage. It sounds like you were content but it can be better than that. It was obviously not what she was doing else you would not have been discounting her feelings.

Next ask her to make a list of what she wants from you. Often a big problem is that she give you what she wants in return and you give her what you want in return. Unfortunately that won't work unless your lucky and have the exact same wants and needs.

Both of you read this The Love Bank. It's very helpful especially if she's given up and thinks she can't get that in-love feeling back. Trust me you both can.

Stating the obvious here but the MIL does need to be out of the picture. Just realize it's not the MIL's fault that she's there. Your wife HAS to address this. If you want her to address this then you have to make sure she knows you truly want the MIL away for good reasons (So you both can work on a healthy marriage).

Also mentioned somewhere up there. Don't fall into the trap of making yourself look emotionally weak. Try to be very blunt and to the point about what you want and your expectations of your self and of her. There is room for disagreement but you should have some solid boundaries that are not negotiable for you or her. I'm sure you do but make sure it's apparent that you do.

No begging as stated before. It's got to come across as desire and not emotional weakness. For example, she should know that you think being without her will make you sad. You should not say please don't leave me. 

Admit that you have a lot to work on. Tell her she does too if you think it's true. It usually is. And that you think you guys and make your marriage many times better than it was before.

Again I'll say it again. Have a strong appearance because you need for her to respect you and what your' trying to do. If you swallow anything that makes her respect you less then your problems will get worse fast.


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## Thundarr

Yes the 180 is great to read. It will keep you from coming out of this in an emotionally compromised state.


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## Wantherback

Thundarr,

Thanks for the checklist of action items ... right now, she is angry and she says the D decision is made already .. but she has said that before too, but she changed later .. So there is room to revisit the question ..

But I am thinking that 180 will bring her to the table to talk .. and then work on the items listed ...


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## inojoking

Boy you and me sound the exact same except my wife has refused to forgive me and says counseling wont work but is still going anyway. Hopefully things get better for you and me bud. O yeah in my case it the FIL not the MIL.


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## Wantherback

inojoking said:


> Boy you and me sound the exact same except my wife has refused to forgive me and says counseling wont work but is still going anyway. Hopefully things get better for you and me bud. O yeah in my case it the FIL not the MIL.


Sorry that you are in the same situation as I am .. hope things will improve for all of us ... thanks Buddy .. keep us posted .. and my prayers are with you .. try 180 .. and lets see what that brings ..


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## Wantherback

I want to add the reason why I feel the need for this relationship to be back .. I love my kids (though my wife says that my actions do not show that .. but I take care of them in everyway ... she doesn't want to acknowledge for some reason) .. and I do not want to lose the kids .. this is putting so much emphasis on this relation .. I love my wife too .. but having kids made me beg with her ..


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