# I feel like I need to warn her



## MovingOn19

I’m sure I’m going to get told that this is no longer my concern, but my extremely abusive narcissistic ex is either just married or getting remarried (he tells so many lies to so many different people it’s hard to know).

This poor woman lives literally half way around the world and has three young daughters. I can’t even imagine what lies he’s told her about his life here (he’s unemployed, dead beat dad and plays the victim to anyone who will listen).

There is a part of me that feels like I have to warn her…if not for herself but for her children. I have her contact info and of course there’s always Facebook, but I have a feeling that it would really just come back to bite me if I did try to reach out.

I’m sure that most people will say to mind my business and she’s not my responsibility. But honestly I do wish someone would have warned me all those years ago.

Just putting it out there. Any thoughts…feel free to share. TIA!!


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## jonty30

MovingOn19 said:


> I’m sure I’m going to get told that this is no longer my concern, but my extremely abusive narcissistic ex is either just married or getting remarried (he tells so many lies to so many different people it’s hard to know).
> 
> This poor woman lives literally half way around the world and has three young daughters. I can’t even imagine what lies he’s told her about his life here (he’s unemployed, dead beat dad and plays the victim to anyone who will listen).
> 
> There is a part of me that feels like I have to warn her…if not for herself but for her children. I have her contact info and of course there’s always Facebook, but I have a feeling that it would really just come back to bite me if I did try to reach out.
> 
> I’m sure that most people will say to mind my business and she’s not my responsibility. But honestly I do wish someone would have warned me all those years ago.
> 
> Just putting it out there. Any thoughts…feel free to share. TIA!!


I would warn her. It probably will not do much good.


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## Openminded

Why would she believe you if her experience with him is different?


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## bobert

You have kids with your ex? If yes, how could this effect them? Your ex may lash out...

If you do warn her, keep in mind there is a good chance that she won't believe you. If you have proof, that may help.


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## Trident

You'll come across as nothing more than a spurned and vindictive ex.

Rest assured there's absolutely nothing you can do and get on with your life and stop following your ex and his relationships on social media.


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## MovingOn19

Trident said:


> You'll come across as nothing more than a spurned and vindictive ex.
> 
> Rest assured there's absolutely nothing you can do and get on with your life and stop following your ex and his relationships on social media.





Trident said:


> You'll come across as nothing more than a spurned and vindictive ex.
> 
> Rest assured there's absolutely





bobert said:


> You have kids with your ex? If yes, how could this effect them? Your ex may lash out...
> 
> If you do warn her, keep in mind there is a good chance that she won't believe you. If you have proof, that may help.


I do have kids with my ex but…just to give an indication of just how abusive he is…there is currently a restraining order against him that prevents him from contacting or coming anywhere me or my kids. So, if he lashes out it’s actually a violation and he would be arrested.

I have so much proof…it would be very easy to supply. And I realize that even with that she may not believe me, but if I don’t try, am I even the slightest bit responsible for what may happen.

There is a sex offenders registry…there should be a registry for abusive (physically, mentally and emotionally) husbands/men/partners (or exes).


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## Al_Bundy

She's an adult. For whatever reason she picked him. Chances are she is as messed up as he is. I would let go. What are you going to do, warn every woman he dates? He's your ex for a reason so stop letting him live in your head rent free.


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## manfromlamancha

You should warn her but in order for it to be effective and in fact, not backfire on you, it needs to be convincing with as much proof as possible.


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## Diana7

If she is abroad you wonder how much time they have actually spent together for her to realize what he is like. I wonder if she is moving to your country. 
If he is violently abusive I would seriously consider telling her, her children could be in danger.


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## Luckylucky

Aren’t you glad he’s gone? Why warn her? Stay out of it and enjoy your peace and quiet.

You do want him to leave you alone don’t you? Or do you want to hear back from him?

What outcome do you expect from this?


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## Trident

MovingOn19 said:


> just to give an indication of just how abusive he is…there is currently a restraining order against him that prevents him from contacting or coming anywhere me or my kids.


The existence of a restraining order pursuant to a divorce doesn't necessarily indicate the guy is abusive or even did anything wrong whatsoever. 

And again, you need to not be focusing on what he's doing and who he's doing it with.


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## SunCMars

Openminded said:


> Why would she believe you if her experience with him is different?


Her belief system needs an early wake-up call.

It will charge her immune response, even this early.

She likely already has this hope overriding her fear and doubts.


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## SunCMars

**If the man, truly is a bum*, she should be told his particulars.

It is not your job, it is your duty as a fellow human. We have ninety eight percent of whole populations that sit by and do nothing in the face of wrong doing.

Do it anonymously, if possible.

Create a fictitious account, sounding not so much as yourself, and not giving away your gender.

Claim to be a former friend, a relative, or coworker, a neighbor, something that points away from you.

You do not need an angry man beating you up, or worse.



_Nemesis-_

*If you want to do this (exposing) because you are angry and bitter and wish to seek revenge, put the idea out of your head. Be righteous, not petty.


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## Tdbo

SunCMars said:


> **If the man, truly is a bum*, she should be told his particulars.
> 
> It is not your job, it is your duty as a fellow human. We have ninety eight percent of whole populations that sit by and do nothing in the face of wrong doing.
> 
> Do it anonymously, if possible.
> 
> Create a fictitious account, sounding not so much as yourself, and not giving away your gender.
> 
> Claim to be a former friend, a relative, or coworker, a neighbor, something that points away from you.
> 
> You do not need an angry man beating you up, or worse.
> 
> 
> 
> _Nemesis-_
> 
> *If you want to do this (exposing) because you are angry and bitter and wish to seek revenge, put the idea out of your head. Be righteous, not petty.


I agree with this approach for the reasons noted.

OP: I might also add that if there is animosity between the two of you, the fact that is YOU that is sending the information might taint the information.
Do this only if you have solid, verifiable information.
Then, back off and let it lie.


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## Resu

Of course it is your concern. You are human and you have been through it. For goodness sake please tell her and give her a chance ... and check that she has people she can talk to! Please do it.


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## Benbutton

MovingOn19 said:


> I’m sure I’m going to get told that this is no longer my concern, but my extremely abusive narcissistic ex is either just married or getting remarried (he tells so many lies to so many different people it’s hard to know).
> 
> This poor woman lives literally half way around the world and has three young daughters. I can’t even imagine what lies he’s told her about his life here (he’s unemployed, dead beat dad and plays the victim to anyone who will listen).
> 
> There is a part of me that feels like I have to warn her…if not for herself but for her children. I have her contact info and of course there’s always Facebook, but I have a feeling that it would really just come back to bite me if I did try to reach out.
> 
> I’m sure that most people will say to mind my business and she’s not my responsibility. But honestly I do wish someone would have warned me all those years ago.
> 
> Just putting it out there. Any thoughts…feel free to share. TIA!!


His relationship is not your business. She is a grown woman who can make her own decisions and if he is as "narcissistic " as you say he is you will be written off as a crazy XW.


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## Trustless Marriage

I don't mean to be disrespectful but there are two sides to every story and we only have your story. You saw him in one light and he saw you in another. Maybe you brought your ex down to the point where he looked like a dead beat. Maybe he is really is a horrible person. Maybe these two will be the perfect mates for each other or maybe she will end up an ex as well.

As much as you would like to say something, stay out of his matters unless you want him in yours. Everyone deserves a second chance.


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## Resu

Trustless Marriage said:


> I don't mean to be disrespectful but there are two sides to every story and we only have your story. You saw him in one light and he saw you in another. Maybe you brought your ex down to the point where he looked like a dead beat. Maybe he is really is a horrible person. Maybe these two will be the perfect mates for each other or maybe she will end up an ex as well.
> 
> As much as you would like to say something, stay out of his matters unless you want him in yours. Everyone deserves a second chance.


It is very noble to say that everyone deserves a second chance but when someone has survived an abusive partner and they are willing to warn the next victim surely doing so allows the new partner to make a more informed choice? Some jurisdictions have hard won laws to support this eg Disclosure Scheme for Domestic Abuse Scotland | Police Scotland


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## UpsideDownWorld11

Don't get involved. If I had a dime for every woman that had a narcissistic ex, I'd be a rich man.


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## Cindywife

MovingOn19 said:


> I do have kids with my ex but…just to give an indication of just how abusive he is…there is currently a restraining order against him that prevents him from contacting or coming anywhere me or my kids. So, if he lashes out it’s actually a violation and he would be arrested.
> 
> And I realize that even with that she may not believe me, but if I don’t try, am I even the slightest bit responsible for what may happen.


Your responsibility is to your kids not to a woman who you don't know.


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## MovingOn19

Thank you all for your points of view. And as expected there are many differing opinions. Let me be clear...I really don't give a sh*t about what my ex is doing. However, after everything he has put me and my children through, as a human being, I can't in good conscience sit back and not try to protect this woman and especially her children. And just a bit more detail...which I probably should have included before....my daughter has made certain disclosures about my husband and while there was nothing that could be proven...it has been documented he has zero understanding of what his actions do to others. As example, he has made comments about her breasts as she was developing. He insisted there was nothing wrong with her not having her own bed and instead sharing with him (even after she was in full blown puberty). His future wife has three daughters....should this in and of itself not make me morally bound to try to warn her?


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## UpsideDownWorld11

MovingOn19 said:


> Thank you all for your points of view. And as expected there are many differing opinions. Let me be clear...I really don't give a sh*t about what my ex is doing. However, after everything he has put me and my children through, as a human being, I can't in good conscience sit back and not try to protect this woman and especially her children. And just a bit more detail...which I probably should have included before....my daughter has made certain disclosures about my husband and while there was nothing that could be proven...it has been documented he has zero understanding of what his actions do to others. As example, he has made comments about her breasts as she was developing. He insisted there was nothing wrong with her not having her own bed and instead sharing with him (even after she was in full blown puberty). His future wife has three daughters....should this in and of itself not make me morally bound to try to warn her?


If you think he is a pedophile then I'd agree you should warn her with the facts. I wouldn't mention anything other than that which involves the safety of her children. I think that she would be more receptive to that then brandishing him a narcissist especially if she hasn't seen it, she will write you off as the bitter ex.


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## DownByTheRiver

So if you have a Restraining Order, just send that to her. She may not care. She may be doing it for money and actually trading her kids, you never know. But just put "Since you have kids, I thought I should warn you he's a suspected pedophile. (be careful not to slander him and get yourself in trouble). I had to get a restraining order to keep him away from me and the kids. I thought you needed to know what you're dealing with. "

No personal attacks other than that, short and sweet. If you go on about it she'll think you want him back, because that is what she'll want to believe.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

DownByTheRiver said:


> So if you have a Restraining Order, just send that to her. She may not care. She may be doing it for money and actually trading her kids, you never know. But just put "Since you have kids, I thought I should warn you he's a suspected pedophile. (be careful not to slander him and get yourself in trouble). I had to get a restraining order to keep him away from me and the kids. I thought you needed to know what you're dealing with. "
> 
> No personal attacks other than that, short and sweet. If you go on about it she'll think you want him back, because that is what she'll want to believe.


I wouldn't mention the word pedophile unless you have proof, just give her the facts and let her come to her own conclusion.


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## Al_Bundy

MovingOn19 said:


> just to give an indication of just how abusive he is…there is currently a restraining order against him that prevents him from contacting or coming anywhere me or my kids.


If he's truly dangerous then don't invite him back into your life by mucking around in his. If you want to help women then go volunteer someplace. 

Say you warn her, she leaves and now he's mad at you. Maybe mad enough to pay you a visit. 

Protection orders are fine, but they don't stop bullets.


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## Diana7

Did he ever sexually abuse your daughter? Was he violent?


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## Resu

Really sorry you are in this position!

This disclosure is very concerning and it makes your daughter the top priority. It is possible there is more to come and/or that this has a greater impact than is yet apparent. I hope she has access to the best support. Once again, I am sorry you are in this position and I hope you too can access the right support. You are obviously strong but you can still be kind to yourself and get someone to help share your experience. It sounds like you have been in survival for a long time.


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## MovingOn19

Resu said:


> Really sorry you are in this position!
> 
> This disclosure is very concerning and it makes your daughter the top priority. It is possible there is more to come and/or that this has a greater impact than is yet apparent. I hope she has access to the best support. Once again, I am sorry you are in this position and I hope you too can access the right support. You are obviously strong but you can still be kind to yourself and get someone to help share your experience. It sounds like you have been in survival for a long time.


Thank you so much for your words of support. My kids are 100% my top priority. My daughter has been in counselling essentially since she made her disclosure. I don't believe anything else has been shared as I would think the counsellor would have a duty to report (I allow my daughter to keep her sessions 100% private). 

After mulling it over a lot last night, I have made the decision to let things lie for two reasons. 1) He would know it was me who warned her (no matter how anonymous I would try to be). The repercussions for me and my family would make it too risky. 2) He will most likely go to where she resides (in Africa), because that is where he can keep up whatever charade he is playing (which he must be because he currently lives with his parents, is unemployed and is basically an overall despicable human being). Also, if he goes there he will be on her territory, and she will still have her support system in place. He would be much more vulnerable if he were to "flip the switch" which is what he ultimately did with me. 

I still have concerns for her children, but again I think if he's on her territory he's more likely to behave himself then if she came here.


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## Diana7

MovingOn19 said:


> Thank you so much for your words of support. My kids are 100% my top priority. My daughter has been in counselling essentially since she made her disclosure. I don't believe anything else has been shared as I would think the counsellor would have a duty to report (I allow my daughter to keep her sessions 100% private).
> 
> After mulling it over a lot last night, I have made the decision to let things lie for two reasons. 1) He would know it was me who warned her (no matter how anonymous I would try to be). The repercussions for me and my family would make it too risky. 2) He will most likely go to where she resides (in Africa), because that is where he can keep up whatever charade he is playing (which he must be because he currently lives with his parents, is unemployed and is basically an overall despicable human being). Also, if he goes there he will be on her territory, and she will still have her support system in place. He would be much more vulnerable if he were to "flip the switch" which is what he ultimately did with me.
> 
> I still have concerns for her children, but again I think if he's on her territory he's more likely to behave himself then if she came here.


In what way was he abusive? Physically? Did he sexually abuse your daughter?


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## GC1234

MovingOn19 said:


> I’m sure I’m going to get told that this is no longer my concern, but my extremely abusive narcissistic ex is either just married or getting remarried (he tells so many lies to so many different people it’s hard to know).
> 
> This poor woman lives literally half way around the world and has three young daughters. I can’t even imagine what lies he’s told her about his life here (he’s unemployed, dead beat dad and plays the victim to anyone who will listen).
> 
> There is a part of me that feels like I have to warn her…if not for herself but for her children. I have her contact info and of course there’s always Facebook, but I have a feeling that it would really just come back to bite me if I did try to reach out.
> 
> I’m sure that most people will say to mind my business and she’s not my responsibility. But honestly I do wish someone would have warned me all those years ago.
> 
> Just putting it out there. Any thoughts…feel free to share. TIA!!


I think it's a nice gesture to warn her...BUT
Expect to not be believed. If your ex is a true narcissist, they will have told this woman anything and everything bad about you, whether it's the truth or not. They're THAT good. It's called a smear campaign.

Unfortunately some people have to learn the hard way, because many lack critical thinking skills to look at the other side. Your heart is in the right place, so I get it, and by all means give it a try. But don't get frustrated if you are made out to be a troublemaker, at the very least. It's one of the many downsides to narcissism.


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## SunCMars

Cindywife said:


> Your responsibility is to your kids not to a woman who you don't know.


Forgive me for saying this...

A common notion this is.

People in big cities walking around, ignoring someone getting beaten, a woman being slapped around.
Ignore, go on with your own life, don't get involved, not your problem.

I would add, if her ex husband IS TRULY a monster, a user, a lazy bum, than she should warn the new woman.
Anonymously (I said this before).

See this action as making Karma real for this lout.
We all complain that there seems to be no punishment relegated out to those most deserving.

We need to make (mete out) our own Karma, and not wait (hope) for some supernatural power to do it.

I agree, it is easier to look the other way.


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## SunCMars

MovingOn19 said:


> And just a bit more detail...which I probably should have included before....my daughter has made certain disclosures about my husband and while there was nothing that could be proven...it has been documented he has zero understanding of what his actions do to others. As example, he has made comments about her breasts as she was developing. He insisted there was nothing wrong with her not having her own bed and instead sharing with him (even after she was in full blown puberty). His future wife has three daughters....should this in and of itself not make me morally bound to try to warn her?


Wow, expose him! 

Children do not lie about these things.

Be explicit.

Do you have a male relative, or friend that could do this (exposing) on your behalf?

Stand on the wall, don't cower behind it!

Give his new ladies contact information to someone via TAM's PM function.
Someone here will gladly do it.


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## MovingOn19

Diana7 said:


> In what way was he abusive? Physically? Did he sexually abuse your daughter?


He was physically and emotionally abusive to me during our marriage. He has continued to be emotionally abusive to me and my kids since we separated. As for sexual abuse…as I said nothing could be proven but after an event that she disclosed to her teacher, he was reported to CAS and the police. He was investigated but not charged. So I don’t want to classify him as having sexually abused her but to be clear she has not seen him since.


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## Openminded

Yeah, you probably would’ve gotten different answers had you included that in your opening post. I’m changing mine to telling her, if you can do so without risk to you or your children, but don’t expect her to believe you.


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## Resu

You sound like you are on top of it. 👍

I am sure everyone would support you unreservedly in making your own choice and none would envy you in having had to make a choice like it. Looking after your own safety is commendable. 

I think we do need ways of stopping women being hypnotised by snakes that don't endanger anyone.
Look after yourself and your lot. Take care.


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