# Am I making the right decision? When do you know you've tried all that you can?



## isabella81 (Jun 2, 2008)

Ok, so this is my first time doing something like this. I guess it's come to a point where I need some outside advice. Everyone I know is too close to the situation. So, here it goes....
I'm 26 years old and have been married to my husband, 25, now for 8 months. We have been together almost 6 years total. Our relationship moved fast in the beginning. We lived with eachother within months of meeting. I had felt a connection with him instantly. We were very happy in the beginning. To me, he was like a dream come true. I've had some emotionally and physicllay draining relationships in the past and it was nice to finally have someone want to take care of me. 
Over time, things took a turn. I can't really pin point when it happened exactly, but I know we lossed some key things in our relationship along the way. We lost respect, we lost trust, we lost intimacy, but we still hung in there, because we loved eachother. But, like they say, sometimes love is not enough. I think that part of me has denied it in fear of having to start over, in fear of making the wrong decision to give up on my relationship. I know relationships are not easy and it takes work. But when is enough, enough? When is it time to move on? I think that I have fallen out of love with my husband, and I don't know if I can get that back. Sometimes you go passed a certain point in your relationship, where all is lost, but how do you know if you have reached that point and given it your all? I love my husband, but I just don't think I'm in love with him anymore like I used to be. 

Here are our issues:

Failure to communicate - he never seems to understand what I'm trying to say and vice versa.
Aggressive Communication - sometimes my husband puts down my family or says things about my past to hurt me (This is where I lost respect)
Different socially - I'm and Extrovert, He's an Introvert
Different Professions - Hard to relate to eachother on this
Different Cultures - This causes us to look at our roles differently. 
Because of our social differences - my husband does not like when I drink out with friends. His argument is that I can't control myself when I drink and don't know when to stop. - This is his main problem with me. 
Inactive Sex Life - I just never seem to want it. The feeling is just not there. It was not always like that. 
My husband may also be threatened by my independence. He comes from a very macho culture where the man works hard and brings home the money and the wife is expected to take care of the home and kids. I worked my ass off in school to graduate and get a good career. I can take care of myself, but I know he wants me to need him. I just look at it differently then he does. And in retrospect, I don't think I'm a bad woman. I cook, I clean, I work, and I'm home every night with him, except for the occasional night out. But sometimes I feel like the things I do for him are never enough. He complains sometimes when I'm not home to make his dinner....But I know that, that's what he was used to growing up. And don't get me wrong, my husband is a good man. I did fall in love with him for a reason. He's a hard worker, he is reliable and loyal, he is a good supporter, he is attractive, very family oriented....I just don't know that we are good together! We can't seem to get over each other's faults.

We are both stubborn and we have both tried to change, but ultimately end up right back to square one. We keep having the same argument over and over and I don't know if it will ever change. 

Recently I have been talking to someone else, someone I have known for a while, someone I care for, but this person has shown me that starting over...really wouldn't be that hard and that I could find happiness again. I have not gotten physical, but the emotion is there. But I think this is kind of giving me the push that I needed. 

My ultimate worry is that I make the wrong decision to soon! But is it really too soon?


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## tor (Jun 3, 2008)

If he is a good man, dont let him go youll regret it. Good men are hard to find so are good women. A lot marriages have 2 incomes but end up growning apart. If you only have 1 income you'll bearly make it, so bearly make it! Your career wont bring you the joy a family can. As for you drinking with friends, I know this is not polictly correct but when you got married all that stuff is over unless he is ok with it. If you still like hanging out you shouldnt of got married . remember theat people the way you want to be treated!


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## Russell (Apr 10, 2008)

I agree with Tor in one respect... if he is a good man, with no major problems such as drug abuse or is violent, maybe you should reconsider. Now... the reason I say this is because you just don't fall out of love. Love is eternal, and you will go to the grave with the love you have for your husband. Now, thats not to say that he hasn't given as much to you as you have to him. It sounds primarily like the two of you have lost an intimate connection... and that is communication. 

And if there is a 'someone else' involved then shame on you. My wife told me it was the 'newness' of it all after we calmed down after her affair and I started believeing her when she told him it was over. She absolutely devastated me. My son is my hero... I had the barrel in my mouth and my finger on the trigger and a round chambered. Then I heard him. And to tell you the truth... I'm still trying to find what little confidence I have left of all this. 

So there are ramifications to all this. In order to be fair to him you have to tell him that you feel like you love him but are no longer in love with him. You need to see if there is anything left of your relationship to salvage. You have to at least give him a chance to remind you of why you are in love with him, however bored you may be.


Please don't make the same mistake my wife did. It almost killed me. 

By the way... its been three months... the date is below. Thats the day my life came crumblimg down. That was the day I chose to live life again... and stop living through a bottle. I was very tested through all of it though. Jane and I are still together, and we want to move out of state. We want away from her family, away from our current living conditions... and yes, I am willing to die to make that happen. Welcome back SGT, the Army missed you.

I made the choice to remind her of why she loves me, even though she told me she was in love with someone else. I have 13 years in this marriage, a two year old son, and I was not going to allow some trailer trash POS take my wife from me. I didn't get violent, nor did I belittle her. I did however let her know that she was free to make her own decisions. And that included taking our son from me, divorcing me and going with POS. Well... after the newness has worn off... she still comes home to me every night. She still says 'I love you' and I can tell she means it. And I have never loved her more.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Just remember as easy as you can fall out of love with a person you can fall in love with the person too.

draconis


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

isabella81

I agree that if your husband is basically a good man then you owe it to both of you to explore all avenues. I would start with counseling. He needs to know how unhappy you are and the gravity of the situation. If he understands that he should be willing to partake. The social upbringing with the macho background is not likely to change significantly in a short period. This is an area that you will both need to compromise in. The hanging out with friends will be a compromise also. If it bothers him you need to make him feel comfortable with it but should curtail the amount of time you spend doing it. You have a right to some time away with friends just as he does. Finally this other person is potentially very dangerous to your marriage. If the “emotions” are there then the physical aspect will likely follow. Be very careful here. I suspect you are in an emotional affair which will jade your views of your husband. I could stack the odds against him and make it impossible for you to reconnect. In order to try and save your marriage, I would end contact with this other person and concentrate on your marriage. You might want to read my thread “When is enough, enough” that I posted yesterday. Good luck.


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## isabella81 (Jun 2, 2008)

Thank you for the responses. I am working right now on finding a marriage counselor to help us see if we can get passed these differences. Yes, I agree this other person could be jading my perception of my marriage ..... but it's also making me realize how unhappy I am. I am not basing my decision on the hope of being with someone else. Rather, It is making me realize that there is something missing if I can allow myself to have feelings for another person. I have cut off communication with this person until I can figure out what's going to make me happy. 

On another note, He is a good man...but what about the verbal aggression? Do I deserve that? Sometimes he can say some pretty hurtful things and even though they are said out of anger, I can't forget how they made me feel. I also know that there is some truth to what he says, because those feelings can't come from just no where. He can also be very controlling and I am a very free spirit. I don't like to be controlled. To him, his way is the only way. 

To Draconis - yes it's as easy to fall back in love as it was to fall out of love...but if I lost that feeling that easy...doesn't that say something?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

isabella81 said:


> To Draconis - yes it's as easy to fall back in love as it was to fall out of love...but if I lost that feeling that easy...doesn't that say something?


Remeber the first time as a teenaer you got in a fight with your parents over something and you "Hated" them. The love hate seem like a roller coaster sometimes? 

If you can fall out that easy it only means you can fall back just as easy.

His verbal aggression isn't a good thing which means he lacks communication skills.

From what I read that ,IMHO, you have been very honest.

Hopefully counsiling will help you figure out what you want and why you really want it.

draconis


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

isabella81 said:


> On another note, He is a good man...but what about the verbal aggression? Do I deserve that? Sometimes he can say some pretty hurtful things and even though they are said out of anger, I can't forget how they made me feel. I also know that there is some truth to what he says, because those feelings can't come from just no where.


Hopefully, you can work on this area in marriage counseling. I think a lot of how people argue has to do with upbringing and how issues were handled in their childhood with their parents, family. You don't deserve it and hopefully he can get some help to improve on that area, because each time he does it will only build resentment within you. 

When he says things in anger, it doesn't necessarily mean he believes what he's saying. He may be saying things he knows will push your buttons because they bother you, not that he believes them.

Best of luck with counseling. I hope it all works out well for you both.


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## bph (Jun 25, 2008)

To me it sounds like you need to:
a) get that other person out of every aspect of your life. He will affect your judgment, and remember, "the grass is always greener...." They say that another person looks "better" because you don't see all the imperfections that you start to see in a person after you're married. So no matter what, another person is a bad, bad, idea.

b) have a heart to heart with your man. Tell him you're worried. Tell him all the things he does that are wonderful. Then tell him what is bothering you. Really. You might find out some things are bothering him, too. But that's a part of marriage, and no matter what guy you are married to, it will be that way. He has to try to make you happy and comfortable, and you have to do the same for him. So it might mean that you have to change a little, too, not just him.

As far as the verbal aggression goes, maybe what you need to do is set up some "ground rules" for fighting. My DH and I, no matter how angry we are, try very hard to "fight fair". That means not rubbing someone's face in their mistakes--that is, you don't say "Well, at least I'm not the one who went to the game without calling three months ago"! And we never put down each other's families. That doesn't mean that we don't talk about our families, or even gossip. But we are careful to not say things like, "your brother is so stupid, I can't believe he is doing that!" We also make sure that if there is something the other person is sensitive about, it isn't brought into an argument. Like "You're the one who thought you were going to get a raise!" or "With all that gray hair, it's no wonder you forgot what I said." You can be respectful and still argue, LOL--it's easier than you think. And it shows your partner that even in anger, you respect each other, and that's very important. 

I think a counselor might really be beneficial to you, and it sounds like you might be disillusioned, but I think it sounds like it's worth saving!


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