# Ladies, understand your man.



## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Many women believe that men think with the wrong head, and to some extend this is true. Men do think about sex several times a day. It's natural; it's just the way we are wired.

But contrary to this idea, sex is not all that men care about in a relationship. We are much more complex than that. Inside of every man are the same emotional needs that women have.

We desire love, affection and closeness with a woman. We feel sadness, loneliness, rejection, and pain when the relationship is suffering, just as any woman does. Regardless of how big, strong, and masculine a man is on the outside, he still wants to be loved by his woman.

What many women may not realize is that a man has been conditioned not to express these feelings. Should he do so, he is considered to be weak and less than a man. He has been conditioned to feel this way by society's view of what a man should be, what other men would view him as, and his own ideas of what he feels a man should be.

A man is also conditioned to not express his emotions by his interactions with women, including his wife.

Let's say that a husband and wife have had a disagreement about something, things get out of control and some hurtful things are said by the woman. I understand that in many cases, a woman may resort to verbal attacks as a defensive mechanism. She cannot match a man's ability to intimidate simply by being bigger, stronger. She must rely on words when she wishes to go on the offensive. Words can cut as deeply as any sword.

When your husband hears those angry and critical verbal attacks, he does not just brush them off. It may appear that way on the outside, but that is a false façade. On the inside, your husband reacts the same way as you would. He feels hurt, and it causes him to suffer. Now if this man were to react, as a woman might, by showing his emotions through breaking down and turning to tear's. What would be the reaction of the typical woman?

Would she react as if it were one of her children, and offer compassion, love and understanding, would she reach out and offer to wrap her arms around him in attempts to mend the hurt that she has caused?

I do not think so. The standard response would be an immediate turn off to his weakness. He would be viewed as less than a man by his woman and by himself. Even though inside of him, he would most likely appreciate the compassion and show of tenderness towards him. He would never admit it as it would change his wife's view of him for at least that moment, and probably longer.

Now maybe that's not the greatest example, and I'm not suggesting that your man wants to be treated like a little boy. But I hope that this gives you an idea of what a woman is dealing with. Since breaking down and crying is not an option for most men, they must channel their emotions in other ways. They get tense, they get angry and they possibly withdraw.

The point I am trying to make is that a woman should attempt to learn how a man thinks, as that will help you at least understand his reactions.

At this point, you're probably asking yourself what all this emotional business has to do with sex. Let me explain.
While a man is conditioned to NOT express his emotions, he is still very much an emotional creature. He feels fear and insecurity. He wants to feel loved and appreciated by the woman in his life. It is not socially acceptable for him to seek reassurance of your love and acceptance through many of the ways that women use. Men are not supposed to go seeking hugs and kisses. They are not supposed to ask for verbal reassurances of love. All of those things are considered unmanly. He is then left with only one way of expressing, and feeling loved; through sex.

To put it another way, your husband determines his value to you in the frequency and quality of the sex that you have. The more sexual that you are with him, the more he feels loved and valued. When sex and affection are not an important part of his marriage, he feels that he is not loved and appreciated.

I know that to a woman that seems silly, insecure and maybe even a bit stupid. But this is the truth. It may be that you express your love for him in many ways, but his social conditioning has caused him to focus in on sex. It all comes back to his manliness. If he was seeking feedback in more touchy feely ways, you and he would both feel that he is weak and less than a man. No man is going to let that happen if he can avoid it. Instead, he will stick to what he feels is masculine and appropriate; sex.

Of course, when a man puts all of emotional eggs into one basket, you can bet that he is going to become very insecure about that basket.

This unspoken insecurity of a man can have a damaging effect on the marriage in many ways. It can lead a woman to feel pressured into fulfilling a man's sexual desires, even though times when she has a normal lower sex drive. Pressure often leads to resentment and marital stress.

There are also many husbands that have allowed their insecurities about sex and affection to affect them so deeply that they turn away from the subject altogether in an attempt to protect them from further suffering. They begin to withhold their own desire for love and affection, and in turn withhold love affection and sex from their woman. 

The bottom line is that yes! Your man thinks of sex, but sex is not just sex like you may think, sex is how he gives and receives love. I’m sure that plenty of ladies here know that, but just as many may not, to those, try to understand your man.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Good post!

I actually have figured this is the case with most men, although I am a woman who rarely fights dirty and appreciates an emotional response in a man. I also view sex as love DEPENDING on the quality of it, and yes, sometimes the quantity. (I do not appreciate being treated as an object and being ignored during sex.) Hugs and kisses and flirtation is my way, and even occurred during the breakdown of my 12 year relationship. 

My problem is that I haven't found the right man to appreciate ME. I pick the men who are so emotionally distant or have too many issues within themselves. The fault there is mine because I have a "mothering" or "fixing" complex. Apparently I seek out individuals who are emotionally unhealthy. (1. Abusive alcoholic/drug addict. 2. Anger issues and insecurities. 3. Selfish to a fault, dishonest douche.) So the fault really is mine.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I asked my husband in what areas he considered himself to be "High Maintenance" in the other night...his 1st answer was ... "*Affection*"... his 2nd was ....*Sex*. My husband has more of a desire to be close/ near than a physical need for sex. When he was younger, that sexual need was stronger, as it generally is. 

But true, he has never showed himself NEEDY to me- even though he had those desires and they weren't fullfilled to his liking in our past. He never faught with me -not even once, and I have never seen him break down & cry over HURT feelings -like a little boy. So I guess he lives up to the "manliness" expressed in your post. 

I just want to say though, although my husband have never acted like a little boy -showing "need" for MY comforting, he has expressed loving tears - overflowing emotions while together ...... moments we were swept away in feelings of love, bonding, hard to even put into words, the stuff you carry with you a lifetime , the heavenly moments of thankfulness.

This I truly appreciate about him, I do love an openly sensitive man - who is "capable" of sharing his soul with me. I didn't say overly willling, just "capable"......when sometimes our deep talks go there anyway. He does not always come out with his feelings - as men do. But thankfully, he has no hangups about me enjoying this side of him, wanting this - when we are close, holding each other. He admits loving it as much as I. He said the other night to me ........"If I had a cave, I would want you in it". Loved that. 


I think being a sensitive man in control of yourself , still being that Protector, that Provider, stable, calm, depended on ... is very very attractive, I am a woman who loves the mush, and my husband enjoys giving it back. I understand him well. 

It took me learning more about HIS temperment to get a handle on why he held back as much as he did in the past though, I feel at least half of that had to do with his personality type being an ISFJ. When I read his profile, I outright laughed it was SO on the mark to who he is and always has been. 

But the whole "I feel loved through the expression of Sex".... Yeah, new one for me --after reading "Passionate Marriage" 3 years ago, I didn't get the DEPTH of that, as he never tried to express that to me in any way to "make me see" or tune me into his feelings. When I read one of those pages, I broke down & cried, oh my, how I was missing it -how I hurt my husband. He was very very forgiving of me. Great book >>> http://www.amazon.com/Passionate-Marriage-Intimacy-Committed-Relationships/dp/0805058265


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Great post!

I was in relationship with a guy who was rather quiet and reserved. He initially came off as quite the gentleman. Although he is a very intelligent man, he is also emotionally unavailable. The sex was amazing for us though and only kept getting better. Sex was definitely how he connected emotionally. 

Anyhow, so much of what you posted is accurate. In his preteens he had adapted to not showing emotions, which was enforced by the career path he chose at the age of 21 and stayed in for 25 yrs. He was embarrassed to admit the longer we were together, the more often he wanted sex. On the other hand, the guy had a heck of a time saying “I love you.” When he first verbally expressed he loved me, it was earlier on in the relationship and at that time the sex was good. Later on, as he started struggling to verbalize those feelings is when the sex was actually mind blowing great.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

It is my personal belief that a happy marriage requires two people to open up and expose their true depth to each other in every way. They must expose themselves intellectually, emotionally, and sexually.

Sex is the most intimate way of building an emotional connection between two people. Through the act of loving sexual intimacy, a couple expresses their inner most feelings of love and affection for each other. So to say that a marriage can be complete and fulfilled without sex, in my opinion, is unbelievable. How can you say that you have a strong bond with your partner, if you hold an important part of yourself back from them? How can you claim to truly know and love each other if you refuse to share this most intimate of experiences?

A marriage can only be complete when both Husband and Wife are willing to submit ALL of themselves to the relationship.

A woman should never force herself to have sex; a man can sense that too, it just builds resentment in both husband and wife.

To me, it all comes down to what is best for the marriage? As in one of my posts “make your marriage the number one priority”, make time for mutual romance, intimacy, and sex. When we each give and receive love in the way our spouse is fulfilled, we create mutual happiness.

That is a "marriage". Of course thats just my opinion


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Agreed!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Very good post, and you know, I tried with my husband. I tried to understand him because I realized that men and women think differently. I read a book called "Men are like waffles, women are like spaghetti" to give me an inside view of what goes on in a man's head. Great book, BTW. Still, in spite of what I tried, he never tried for me nor did he appreciate any of my efforts.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

I agree 100 percent in what you said, Wonderful post thanks forwriting this. It makes perfect sense for me but I'am not a dirt verbal fighter (Thank Goodness) and I view sex the same way. Thanks for sharing.


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## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

*Great thread*



RDJ said:


> The point I am trying to make is that a woman should attempt to learn how a man thinks, as that will help you at least understand his reactions.
> 
> This unspoken insecurity of a man can have a damaging effect on the marriage in many ways. It can lead a woman to feel pressured into fulfilling a man's sexual desires, even though times when she has a normal lower sex drive. Pressure often leads to resentment and marital stress.
> 
> ...


Although it all makes sense what you say, why don't men TRY and understand women aswell Why does it all have to be about us (women) trying to "understand" men?

By withholding their emotions and their love and affection for the most part, surely they can see that THIS is the very thing that affects a woman's libido?:scratchhead:


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

RDJ said:


> It is my personal belief that a happy marriage requires two people to open up and expose their true depth to each other in every way. They must expose themselves intellectually, emotionally, and sexually.
> 
> Sex is the most intimate way of building an emotional connection between two people. Through the act of loving sexual intimacy, a couple expresses their inner most feelings of love and affection for each other. So to say that a marriage can be complete and fulfilled without sex, in my opinion, is unbelievable. How can you say that you have a strong bond with your partner, if you hold an important part of yourself back from them? How can you claim to truly know and love each other if you refuse to share this most intimate of experiences?
> 
> ...


Love!


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## Mr_brown (Oct 17, 2011)

I just have to say in defense of all the men out there... We do try to understand women but it gets so confusing!?! Why do you think some of are here... It's difficult to be in a relationship and it's a lot of work... Guys are simple...most of us want to be physical.... Women are like a chemistry experiment, a little of this, a little of that and if it's done wrong then it blows up in your face!! Sometimes I can do a million things around the house and get no attention, some nights I can wash dishes and have the hottest sex with wifey! Make her favorite meal nothing. Throw a coupler of eggs on for breakfast, I'm in the money! Send flowers not a mention bring home a chocolate covered cherry all over me again... No rhyme our reason so I gotta just keep on trying... But I'm running out of ideas. Sometimes it's touch, sometimes it's gifts, sometimes it's service, sometimes it's listening, I just never know?


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## WindMountain (Oct 27, 2011)

Mr_brown said:


> I just have to say in defense of all the men out there... We do try to understand women but it gets so confusing!?! Why do you think some of are here... It's difficult to be in a relationship and it's a lot of work... Guys are simple...most of us want to be physical.... Women are like a chemistry experiment, a little of this, a little of that and if it's done wrong then it blows up in your face!! Sometimes I can do a million things around the house and get no attention, some nights I can wash dishes and have the hottest sex with wifey! Make her favorite meal nothing. Throw a coupler of eggs on for breakfast, I'm in the money! Send flowers not a mention bring home a chocolate covered cherry all over me again... No rhyme our reason so I gotta just keep on trying... But I'm running out of ideas. Sometimes it's touch, sometimes it's gifts, sometimes it's service, sometimes it's listening, I just never know?


What you do for her is just a part of her life. And ideally you should be doing those things because you want her to be happy, not because you want to have sex. -- Flip side, ideally your wife should want to fulfill your sexual desires because it makes you happy.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I would say to men that women recognize that there is a lot on a man's shoulders and that we get it can't be easier always having to be the stronger sex...man up, get some balls, don't be such a *****.

The thing about a man that is spectacular and makes us swoon is the man who is a man but is vulnerable with us. I think it's easy for women to begin to think that men really don't have feelings. They're not allowed to show them like we are. Crazy and unpredictable is our thing while steady and dependable is a man's thing. Both equally carry their own burdens that both seem to constantly want to announce as greater which works against the relationship. No doubt that together women and men make a great combo but those moments with my husband when we're both vulnerable and together hand in hand knowing that this is the us of the me and the him that no one else knows, that's the stuff that binds us together into the forever we hope to enjoy.

If you meet a woman who gifts you her body, who surrenders and opens her legs begging you to enter her, then you've known a woman's charms. If you've stayed up and fought the toothpick eyes after the climax pleasure and listened as she yammered on about God knows what, oh how endeared she will be to you. You hold her heart, her hopes and her center. In return, she makes you stronger, more important and capable.

So you have children and she closes those legs because her mind and her body are bonded with a new kind of love she didn't think was possible. Being understanding to the pain of the stitches and the hormonal tirade of instability is a husband's gift. Knowing when it is time to lure her once more back to you is your charm. Your wife and you are more vulnerable now as together you grew a heart that resides on the outside of your bodies in the shape of your child(ren). 

Our egos get in the way of all this and take the shape of jealousy, inadequacy, pride and closing ourselves off. Vulnerability and connection, when nourished and appreciated by both men and women can grow into a deep love that lasts through tragedy, age and reason.

Good men and women both have feelings and can let go of their egos long enough to enhance the very different, yet equally important, charms that naturally are divided equally between the two.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Oh Trenton , what a beautiful beautiful post, couldn't agree more with every word !!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I think it's sad the way both men and women have been conditioned to think that a man showing his feelings is unmanly.

It's even hard to imagine what a place would be like where this could be true - except that I have found this place within my own marriage.

I have found that my husband has grown to be more open and vulnerable with me as we have grown together through the years. He is willing to show ME that side of himself and has placed that within my care. So, I take the responsibility of handling that vulnerable 'package' he has placed in my care very seriously. And, I, likewise, have been willing to show HIM that side of myself that is so vulnerable.

_“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable . . . impenetrable, . . . irredeemable.” ~ C.S. Lewis_


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Trenton said:


> I would say to men that women recognize that there is a lot on a man's shoulders and that we get it can't be easier always having to be the stronger sex...man up, get some balls, don't be such a *****.
> 
> The thing about a man that is spectacular and makes us swoon is the man who is a man but is vulnerable with us. I think it's easy for women to begin to think that men really don't have feelings. They're not allowed to show them like we are. Crazy and unpredictable is our thing while steady and dependable is a man's thing. Both equally carry their own burdens that both seem to constantly want to announce as greater which works against the relationship. No doubt that together women and men make a great combo but those moments with my husband when we're both vulnerable and together hand in hand knowing that this is the us of the me and the him that no one else knows, that's the stuff that binds us together into the forever we hope to enjoy.
> 
> ...


Simply Awesome!


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