# What else can I do.....



## Mrshay (Jun 7, 2016)

I take care of my husband and family because I want to. I work full time. Have an 11 and 14 year old. I cook. I clean. I shop. I pay the bills. Again, because I want to. Even doing all of this my husband is still rude, condescending, sexually uninterested, and plain grumpy. He works hard and I completely understand having a difficult day. But if he has no other daily demands at home why can he not be respectful of me and my feelings. When he is rude he has no sense of how harsh his words are. If I tell him that what he says bothers me he tells me that I need to deal with it, that it is my crap to figure out. All I ask is for some kindness and respect. I am tired of being fed a mouthful of **** and having to smile while I eat it. I have no demands other than love. He tells me that when we aren't together that he smiles, I ask why doesn't he smile when we are together, he says it's because he doesn't miss me. WTF. What kind of 6th grade BS is this?!?!


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Sounds a lot more serious than 6th grade stuff, hun.

I'd stop asking/telling/pleading.cajoling him..I'd ask him outright if he still loves you and wants to continue your marriage...and not in the heat of battle, either..go out to dinner. If the answer is "Yes" then tell him you need him to be more responsive to your needs. I don't think that's how it will come down, though. And neither do you.

It sounds like you already know all this but maybe cannot admit it to yourself. A man who outright says that he's better off without you is done with you and the marriage. Sorry.


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## Mrshay (Jun 7, 2016)

I meat to say that he says he smiles when he thinks of me when we aren't together......


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

You have zero clue what is going on in this man's head. And all of the women who are going to be giving you advice have no clue what is going on in this man's head. 

Case in point. One response so far:



Unicus said:


> then tell him you need him to be more responsive to your needs.


When the OP already said this:




Mrshay said:


> If I tell him that what he says bothers me he tells me that I need to deal with it, that it is my crap to figure out.



WHAT!?!?!?!? You TOLD HIM? And he didn't HEAR YOU? How can that be? You looked him right in the face when you said it, right? WOW! Telling him didn't work...





Unicus said:


> then tell him you need him to be more responsive to your needs. I don't think that's how it will come down, though. And neither do you.



I can guaran-focking-TEE it won't go down that way.


Either crash his world or sit down. He's not going to "hear" you any other way.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

How old are you two?

How long have you been married?

How long has this been going on?


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## Mrshay (Jun 7, 2016)

Chris Taylor said:


> How old are you two?
> 
> How long have you been married?
> 
> How long has this been going on?




I am 41, he is 48. Married 4 years. He has been acting like this for 2 years.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What happened 2 years ago?


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## Mrshay (Jun 7, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> What happened 2 years ago?


He got back his dream job (construction) after being out of it for 8 years. Tripled his income.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

See a lawyer and file for D. That MIGHT wake him up - if it actually does you can stop the proceedings. No freaking way do you have to put up with this crap.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

What does your husband do with his spare time? Does he exercise? Is he overweight? Has he had a complete blood test checking cholesterol, PSA, A1C, testosterone, etc.?

He has some of the classic symptoms of low testosterone is why I ask.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

We are still missing important information. Not that I don't agree with the advice given. 

- Who's children are the 11 and 14 year old?
- You have been married 4 years how long was the relationship before this?
- How is the sex?
- What are the work hours like?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Luvher4life said:


> What does your husband do with his spare time? Does he exercise? Is he overweight? Has he had a complete blood test checking cholesterol, PSA, A1C, testosterone, etc.?
> 
> He has some of the classic symptoms of low testosterone is why I ask.


Interesting, I was thinking he was alpha-ing up. New Job, higher income. But he isn't out looking for an upgrade, so that doesn't fit. In fact the not expressing emotions or showing the affection he feels confuses me.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Rude and condescending may be a part of his personality, but it could be job stress and/or low T causing it, too. The parts that make me think of it being a hormonal or health issue are his age, the lack of libido, and the grumpiness. Low T can cause all of these changes. That's why I've asked the questions.

Maybe Mrshay was just venting, because we haven't gotten any further response.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

I'd stop doing stuff for him. And when he gets mad or asks about it, I'd tell him this is how I'm "dealing with it". Maybe he'll be more grateful.


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## Mrshay (Jun 7, 2016)

Luvher4life said:


> What does your husband do with his spare time? Does he exercise? Is he overweight? Has he had a complete blood test checking cholesterol, PSA, A1C, testosterone, etc.?
> 
> He has some of the classic symptoms of low testosterone is why I ask.


He is not overweight. In his spare time (couple times a week) he plays and writes music with friends. I have thought about low testosterone myself. He has a doctors appointment in 2 weeks.


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## Mrshay (Jun 7, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> We are still missing important information. Not that I don't agree with the advice given.
> 
> - Who's children are the 11 and 14 year old?
> - You have been married 4 years how long was the relationship before this?
> ...



One child for each of us from previous marriages. 
We were together a little over a year before we were married. 
Sex is not a priority for him, I am always willing, we could go for 3 times one week then nothing for 3 weeks, then once, then again 10 days later, very sporadic. 
We both work 35-45 hours a week.


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## Mrshay (Jun 7, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> Luvher4life said:
> 
> 
> > What does your husband do with his spare time? Does he exercise? Is he overweight? Has he had a complete blood test checking cholesterol, PSA, A1C, testosterone, etc.?
> ...


It confuses me, too!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mrshay said:


> if he has no other daily demands at home why can he not be respectful of me and my feelings?


Because of this:



> I take care of my husband and family because I want to. I work full time. Have an 11 and 14 year old. I cook. I clean. I shop. I pay the bills.


You have created a situation in which he doesn't have to lift a finger, doesn't have to respect you, doesn't have to do anything...because YOU choose to make sure all his needs are met whether he deserves it or not.

So stop.


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## Happykat (Mar 29, 2016)

Stop cleaning his clothes or prepare his breakfast or other nice things for him. When he talks **** towards you as a reaction, tell him you only treat kindly to polite and kind people. Then shut up and go do something fun for yourself.

Stop being a people pleaser. 

"i only serve kind and polite people. My husband is polite and kind, just not today. So too bad for him!" 

Repeat that to yourself.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Don't be a people pleaser...be a man pleaser...

Sex is the glue...you need to show off and stop wearing underwear...throw on a little extra perfume, and just hang out naked (or at least half dressed)

Stop thinking of your self as a wife....but as a women!

Again sex is the glue....sex appeal just might be the ticket...now the question is, does your old man want to be submisive or dominant? Someone in this marriage needs to be spanked!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

One more thing....your kids aren't going to give a phuck what you look like around their dad....as long as you make each other happy.
After all, its summer time....get a nice moomoo that is see thru and a little shorter!


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Mrshay said:


> ...my husband is still rude, condescending, sexually uninterested, and plain grumpy....If I tell him that what he says bothers me he tells me that I need to deal with it, that it is my crap to figure out...


Your husband is a manipulative A-HOLE. 

You do not need to "eat sh*t and smile."

This is what I would do:

1. Prepare to separate - if you can't kick him out, find a place you (or you and the kids) can stay. Even if it's a dump compared to where you are now, find something. Hoard as much cash as you can get your hands on.

2. Get and read the book Love Busters by Dr. Harley. Here's an article on the subject, pay special attention to Disrespectful Judgments (that's what your H is constantly doing to you).
Love Busters

3. Tell him you *have* figured this crap out and what you have figured out is that you are no longer willing to be married to someone who is disrespectful to you. The reasons don't matter, you are unhappy and not getting anything out of being married to him.

4. Tell him you are separating immediately and will not live one more day under the roof with someone who talks to you the way he does. Insist he talk to a Dr. about possible depression and low testosterone if he wants to remain married to you. That is HIS CRAP TO FIGURE OUT! If he figures it out and shows you over time that he will be consistently loving and kind to you you will consider repairing the marriage. Otherwise, stay separated. 

5. DO SEPARATE. Do not threaten then not do it if he wheedles and whines. He needs to earn you back or go his separate way.

You might tell him right now that you are extremely unhappy with how he is treating you and you want him to see a Dr. and while he's taking the time it takes to get in to see the Dr., get some meds hopefully and see if they help, you can be planning in case you need to separate.

See an attorney too to see what your rights are in a separation and/or divorce.

BTW, my H was similar to yours in some ways, though not as bad (I don't think) He also was in chronic pain from medical conditions which was depressing him. I felt for him, but I could not take his perpetual bad mood any longer. I told him I was extremely unhappy and that he needed to talk to his Dr. about anti-depressants (which, being a man, he'd not wanted to do). He did it though (I think he sensed I was ready to leave) and it was like a switch flipped and he's so good natured compared to before it's night and day. 

I think the anti-depressants did wonders. Also I kept telling him, calmly but seriously "I am not happy." "It hurts me when you talk to me that way." etc. He would say things like "It's just a joke, relax..." and I would say "It isn't funny to me. I'm just letting you know." (And "It infuriates me when I tell you how I feel and you tell me to relax."


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## Mrshay (Jun 7, 2016)

Cikgu_aimi said:


> Stop cleaning his clothes or prepare his breakfast or other nice things for him. When he talks **** towards you as a reaction, tell him you only treat kindly to polite and kind people. Then shut up and go do something fun for yourself.
> 
> Stop being a people pleaser.
> 
> ...


I like that about telling him that I only serve kind and polite people! Great comment!


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## Mrshay (Jun 7, 2016)

the guy said:


> Don't be a people pleaser...be a man pleaser...
> 
> Sex is the glue...you need to show off and stop wearing underwear...throw on a little extra perfume, and just hang out naked (or at least half dressed)
> 
> ...


Sex is absolutely the glue. Sex is extremely important to me. You name it I have done it to get him interested. Lingerie, pictures, toys,sub, dom.


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## Mrshay (Jun 7, 2016)

WorkingWife said:


> Mrshay said:
> 
> 
> > ...my husband is still rude, condescending, sexually uninterested, and plain grumpy....If I tell him that what he says bothers me he tells me that I need to deal with it, that it is my crap to figure out...
> ...


You are right about men not wanting to seek out help and medication. It is something that I have approached with him recently, he will see his GP soon and I have asked him to get a referral for a therapist. 

Thank you for the book reference. I am glad your husband sought help.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

MachoMcCoy said:


> You have zero clue what is going on in this man's head.






tropicalbeachiwish said:


> I'd stop doing stuff for him. And when he gets mad or asks about it, *I'd tell him* this is how I'm "dealing with it". Maybe he'll be more grateful.





Cikgu_aimi said:


> Stop cleaning his clothes or prepare his breakfast or other nice things for him. When he talks **** towards you as a reaction, *tell him* you only treat kindly to polite and kind people. Then shut up and go do something fun for yourself.





WorkingWife said:


> Your husband is a manipulative A-HOLE.
> 
> You do not need to "eat sh*t and smile."
> 
> ...


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Stop the "tell him" advice. It doesn't work. She said so in her original post.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband could be an idiot? 

Why did his first marriage end? More of the same nonsense, perhaps, inflicted on his first wife?

Which country are you in? If the UK, I think an appointment with Relate might help.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

When my friend's husband got mean, she was nearly ready to leave him. She dragged him off to the doctor and they hooked him up to an EKG machine and the thing immediately began alarming! Turned out he had major artery blockages and needed several stents. The guy looked completely fit, was ex military, etc.

His nastiness was due to his not feeling well. He's a different man, now.

Good luck with the appt.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Mrshay said:


> I take care of my husband and family because I want to. I work full time. Have an 11 and 14 year old. I cook. I clean. I shop. I pay the bills. Again, because I want to. Even doing all of this my husband is still rude, condescending, sexually uninterested, and plain grumpy. He works hard and I completely understand having a difficult day. But if he has no other daily demands at home why can he not be respectful of me and my feelings. When he is rude he has no sense of how harsh his words are. If I tell him that what he says bothers me he tells me that I need to deal with it, that it is my crap to figure out. All I ask is for some kindness and respect. I am tired of being fed a mouthful of **** and having to smile while I eat it. I have no demands other than love. He tells me that when we aren't together that he smiles, I ask why doesn't he smile when we are together, he says it's because he doesn't miss me. WTF. What kind of 6th grade BS is this?!?!


*I'd venture to tell you that he should be placed in the unenviable position of "smiling a lot more" by your visiting a good family attorney and exploring your legal options!

There is no excuse for treating a spouse in that fashion! You deserve far, far better!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

MachoMcCoy said:


> You have zero clue what is going on in this man's head. And all of the women who are going to be giving you advice have no clue what is going on in this man's head.
> 
> Case in point. One response so far:
> 
> ...


Oh, snark...goody. Too bad your own macho interferes with comprehension. 

1) I am not a woman. Although that shouldn't matter. That it does for you drops your credibility to near zero, unless you're a Grade B comedian.

2) I can read. The OP says "IF" I tell him, not "WHEN". I assume "IF" is presupposition or guess, based on other behavior.

3) The goal of advice is to show understanding of, and recommendations for the specific situation the OP presents, not an opportunity for know nothings to judge the well thought out advice of others. 

But thanks for playing. Now you can go back to the gym and quaff a few brewskies afterwards.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Mrshay said:


> You are right about men not wanting to seek out help and medication. It is something that I have approached with him recently, he will see his GP soon and I have asked him to get a referral for a therapist.
> 
> Thank you for the book reference. I am glad your husband sought help.


If you can get him to read Love Busters, even just the article I linked to you, it may help plant the idea in his head that what he is doing is really NOT okay.

They have it on audible too, if he does not like to read.

My husband listened to at least some of it. I wanted him to do the marriage builder's program with me and he would not do it, but I think just hearing his behavior described as destructive to marriage through Love Busters really woke him up to the fact that his bad mood and belittling comments were NOT harmless and MOST (even all?) wives would be hurt by them.

You may find you are doing some love busters yourself and can clean up your side of the street. For example, I would have "angry outbursts" and retaliatory "Disrespectful judgments" at his bad moods and snide comments. I felt completely justified since he always started it! But now I understand that's not productive long term.

After Love Busters a great book is "His needs Her needs" by the same author. That book made me realize that my needs for affection, conversation, being treated kindly, were completely normal and not at all needy or controlling and that helped tremendously. Plus I understood his needs better. But the love busters is the acute problem. You need to stop the bleeding before you can find long term health. Good luck!!!!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Is no one seriously thinking that this man is likely having an affair??


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

3Xnocharm said:


> Is no one seriously thinking that this man is likely having an affair??


What good would it do to say so, though? If he came right out and told her he wanted her to call him up a hooker, she'd probably do it just to please him.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Mrshay said:


> He is not overweight. In his spare time (couple times a week) he plays and writes music with friends. I have thought about low testosterone myself. He has a doctors appointment in 2 weeks.


Then by all mean, tell him he needs to have the full blood screen that checks everything from cholesterol, PCA, A1C, thyroid, and full testosterone, including FREE testosterone levels and DHEA. His blood pressure should definitely be checked, which is standard practice for a doctor's visit. Be prepared for a doctor to say his "T levels are normal for a man his age." Most do, but if his free T level is below 400 he could definitely be a candidate for TRT, and should probably see a urologist who specializes in it.

He will have to avoid anything to eat or drink after midnight the night before his visit or he will have to schedule another appointment for blood screening.

A man his age should have a full check up and a blood screen once annually.

Please keep us updated on what the doctor finds. We can try and help you either way.


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## Mrshay (Jun 7, 2016)

Unicus said:


> MachoMcCoy said:
> 
> 
> > You have zero clue what is going on in this man's head. And all of the women who are going to be giving you advice have no clue what is going on in this man's head.
> ...



Perfect!' Thank you.


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## Mrshay (Jun 7, 2016)

WorkingWife said:


> Mrshay said:
> 
> 
> > You are right about men not wanting to seek out help and medication. It is something that I have approached with him recently, he will see his GP soon and I have asked him to get a referral for a therapist.
> ...


Great comment and suggestions. Ordered the book today. Will keep you posted! 
Thank you.


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## Mrshay (Jun 7, 2016)

Luvher4life said:


> Mrshay said:
> 
> 
> > He is not overweight. In his spare time (couple times a week) he plays and writes music with friends. I have thought about low testosterone myself. He has a doctors appointment in 2 weeks.
> ...


I appreciate your response and suggestion. I will for sure let you know how the checkup goes!


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Mrshay,

One thing you wrote that rang a bell with me is that you wrote about being sexually adventurous while your H is not.

Particularly you wrote about the use of toys. I'm just wondering if your H finds that threatening or disturbing. 

Getting to orgasm faster with a vibrator, or using dildos larger or longer than your H can make him feel inferior or unneeded. Often times when a partner is turned off by something they don't want to talk about out of fear of hurting you and embarrassment that they feel the way they do. He may even equate your using toy with cheating on him. 

I presume you never cheated on your H or keep in contact with ExH or ExBF. 

Tamat


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