# He's still in contact with other woman



## Aly35 (Feb 19, 2012)

I really need some advice... hope you can help

I am 35, husband is 41. We have two children, no problems until I sensed a v slight distancing when he turned 40. Found out he was meeting a former work colleague for lunch and kissed in the car. When exposed and over several months of talking things out he felt he hadn't been THAT bad as he still felt the same for me, it hadn't gone as far as sex with her and he was a good Dad. He didn't see that all infidelity is the same. 

Anyway, from the start we have tried to make it work and have done a good job in many ways. He has admitted to feeling lost and slightly tied down by family life but when I ask him what he wants never knows. He has a v pressured job so limited time to himself. 

My problem is I know he is still in contact with the other woman. Various stealth tactics have shown they talk on the phone for about half an hour once a fortnight. He also has a photo of her on his phone.

I know many of you will advise me to just leave or give him an ultimatum but I want to be smart. No one likes to be controlled by their partner and I think an ultimatum won't work (as it hasn't). I want him to realise the gravity of what he's doing and to just stop. The Million Dollar question I know but it's so hard.

I'm no door mat but I want this to work out so don't want to throw away so many years of happiness and our family unit. 

I thought about leaving it for a couple of months and, if it's still going on, then telling him I can't live with it (putting it in terms of me rather than telling him what to do).

any advice really really welcome

thanks in advance


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Yes, I understand what you are going through, and it is hard. You expect your H to have a "light bulb moment" and realize that he loves you, and his relationship with this OW is not good for your marriage, all without having to confront (control) him.

Unfortunately, the waiting game seldom works. He is enjoying his relationship and will continue, maybe escalate, until you tell him exactly, in no uncertain terms, what this is doing to you and your marriage, and only then, let him decide what to do about it.

At that point, he needs to know the options as well (R or D) should this continue. For the sake of your marriage, he needs to cut contact with her totally and completely.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you can't expect him to act rationally while he is still in the affair and still in contact with his AP

I'm sorry to say that your want of gently cajoling him into compliance will likely not work. He has no interest in logic as long as he feeds his brain endorphins, it's why I believe that drastic and strong consequence is the only shot you have.


----------



## Aly35 (Feb 19, 2012)

yes, you're both right I know. Before this happened I thought it would be black and white but it's so hard as you all know.

Do I leave him and face life alone as a single mother or do I put up and think 'well, he's never left me, is only phoning her, it will soon stop'.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Aly35 said:


> yes, you're both right I know. Before this happened I thought it would be black and white but it's so hard as you all know.
> 
> Do I leave him and face life alone as a single mother or do I put up and think 'well, he's never left me, is only phoning her, it will soon stop'.


here's the thing, by filing or presenting him with D papers or stating you are filing does not mean it has to be completed (but he better think you are serious and not let this be an empty threat, you will have to follow through if he continues to cheat).

It's basically putting him to the point where you are stating, "it's her or me"

When you demonstrate that he is crossing this boundary of yours (by not going NC), he either has to work his ass off to do what's right, go NC, be transparent and demonstrate remorse or continue to try and cake eat.

IOW- you get your answer by pulling the D trigger. If he "wakes up" then you can reconsider and see if he does what you need and then work towards saving the marriage. If he doesn't, well then, you lost him already and pretty much nothing else you do will work unless you wish to keep yourself in limbo and hope that he comes around (very rare that this works).


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Typically when a cheater says they kissed it is code for we had sex. Not saying they did but the majority of time this is what we find out. My wife said it to me, we only kissed. Yes they kissed, but they were both naked and were having sex.

I can't say that you need to leave him. I do understand your take on this but typically the soft approach rarely works.


----------

