# end engagement or change my P.O.V?



## 7984391 (Jun 3, 2012)

It feels strange to talk about something so person to anonymous strangers, but here it goes…

I am currently engaged to be married but wonder if I am making a mistake. We have been together for almost 4 years. My fiancé is a wonderful person…she is kind, caring, loyal, thoughtful, and overall a good person. We have a lot in common and I consider her my best friend. 

However, I’m not sure if I love her. I have never felt butterflies in my stomach before seeing her, she doesn’t pop into my head all the time, I don’t see her when I close my eyes…in short, all of the clichés people mention when talking about being in love haven’t been experienced by me in this relationship.

I’m not sure if this is related, but I have never been very attracted to her. She is not an especially attractive woman, but I myself am probably only about ‘average’ in terms of male attractiveness. Considering this, I have never expected to date a supermodel or very pretty girl, but I do wish that I could still be with somebody that I am somewhat attracted to, even if they are not considered ‘attractive’. I hope that makes sense. 

At this point I should add some personal history to illustrate this issue: I have twice seriously thought about breaking up with her, but didn’t go through with it. I think there might be a few reasons for this:

1) She is my first serious, long-term girlfriend. We started dating when I was about 25. I had dated a few people before her, but never for more than 1-2 months. When I met her, I hadn’t dated seriously for about 2 years, and I was so happy to find somebody who seemed compatible with me, and to be in a relationship. I think the excitement of simply being in a relationship was what propelled the relationship for me during the first year.

2) I never had good luck with dating. Whenever I was interested in someone, it was never reciprocated, and whenever somebody liked me, I simply wasn’t interested in them. I consider myself a pretty successful person with a good head on his shoulders, but for some reason I have never had much luck with the opposite sex—this probably results in being less confident in the dating world. Whenever I have considered breaking up and getting back on the singles scene, my previous track record leaves me feeling pessimistic about being able to find somebody who I truly like—and who also likes me. 

3) Maybe most importantly, my fiancé is my best friend. I am a generally social person in the workplace, and like chatting and socializing with co-workers and acquaintances. However, since I moved away from my hometown, I don’t have a ton of people who I can call ‘friends’—people I can spend time with on the weekends, tell my problems to, etc. I do have friends who live in other parts of the country, but I can’t hang out with them normally! My point here is that I dread the idea of breaking up because I know that there would be a big void in my life, and I would probably feel lonely for a while. 

At this point I am very confused and feel pretty terrible. I feel horrible for having such thoughts about ending things, and wonder if I do, whether I will find myself in the same situation in a few years if I meet somebody else. I feel horrible about leading this amazing woman on for so long, and wasting both her time and mine. I am almost 30, and would like to settle down and start a family soon, but I don’t want to get married just due to my age.

I hope that I am just panicking a bit before the wedding. In some ways, I know that my fiancé and I could have a very happy life together and make a good couple. But after being with her for four years, I’m pretty sure that if I don’t feel that attracted to her now, I probably never will. More importantly, I am afraid that I am marrying somebody who will make a great life-long friend, but whom I will never love in a romantic way. And that scares me, because I feel like I will be missing out on a very big part of life.

So what do you all think? If there are couples out that are in their 50s and 60s who are happily married even though they were never madly in love with their mate, that might make me feel better. If there are people who can say ‘I’ve never been attracted or felt butterflies for my husband/wife, but I still love him because our relationship is deeper than that’, then I might be ok.

Thank you for your thoughts.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

While the cliche symptoms of "being in love" are certainly overrated by society, I am more concerned by the fact that you simply are not attracted to her. That is a mighty poor basis for a lifetime relationship, and is unfair to her, frankly.

You don't even sound like you love her -- you are afraid of being alone, and afraid of dating, and she is there.

This is a recipe for a disastrous marriage -- and it's darned unkind to her. At the very least, get some counseling to help you understand these feelings.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Whoo, boy. Does this bring back memories...

My STBXW was my first serious relationship. I never felt the heart racing excitement about seeing her, she was always just safe and comfortable. Not "beautiful", but not unattractive either. Fairly plain, etc. I never had much luck attracting women; in hindsight, I think I really suck at reading body language more than anything, and then acting on the positive signs.

Anyway, my marriage failed for a variety of reasons that I won't get into here. Shortly after leaving my marriage, (about 17 months ago) I met a beautiful woman who has a lot of attributes I would have looked for in a partner. I've said to her a number of times that I always thought the romantic live you see in movies was just that... A movie plot. But she makes me feel like that on a regular basis. She can take my breath away walking into a room. And both of us leave no doubt to the other one about how loved they are.

I'm not recommending that you break up or stay. I'm just saying that true powerful love does exist. It took me 44 years to find it, but I did. Of course, I stopped looking for about 20 years in the middle there, but still...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

With so many doubts, you should not get married.

Why did you propose? Was it just because you have been together 4 years? If so, DO NOT GET MARRIED!

It will suck to call it off, but this is YOUR life...don't feel pressured to do something that you know you're not committed to 100%.

I have called off a wedding. We had already sunk 4,000 into it and my dress was bought and paid for. I called it off 4 months before the wedding. I had similar doubts. It was hard...people were rude...but it's not THEIR LIFE. It was mine. I was the one who had to live with my choice. not them.

Best thing I ever did.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

But don't call it off and then keep dating her. No. Rip the bandaid off and break up.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You can't suppress your P.O.V. forever. In fact, your feelings for her will probably even diminish over time.


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## GhostRydr (Jun 2, 2012)

If she is your best friend then she needs to know you dont have romantic feelings for her. DOnt ruin her life by marrying her (as well as yours)..the way this world works is if ya do, then BAM! You will inevitably meet THE ONE and probably cheat...and if not cheat, then just be in a failed marriage


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

7984391 said:


> However, *I’m not sure if I love her*. I have never felt butterflies in my stomach before seeing her, she doesn’t pop into my head all the time, I don’t see her when I close my eyes…in short, all of the clichés people mention when talking about being in love haven’t been experienced by me in this relationship.
> 
> *1) You are talking about a lifetime with this woman. You should be sure that you love her!*
> 
> ...


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I just saw a quote that really applies here:

*Unless it is MAD, PASSIONATE, EXTRAORDINARY love it is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life. LOVE should not be one of them.*


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## seesah (Apr 26, 2012)

It sounds like you're settling and that's never a good thing when it comes to marriage. I say don't get married. You can't expect a fairytale, but your feelings for her should definitely be stronger than you describe them to be.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If it wasn't for the underlying passion and fire that Hubs and I have...our separation would have been the end of us...but it only made us stronger.


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

she will eventually get that you arent attracted to her. but is that everything? i dunno.. if you gain weight... go bald... will she stay with you? 

physical attraction is only so much and it only lasts for so long. how important is it to you? i would say that her character is more important than hair, boobs and weight... but i'm not you.

i considered long term everything before i got married. but the fact that my hubs tells me im beautiful means a lot to me.


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## Encore DT (May 29, 2012)

It sounds like you just have fears about going out there and facing the real world on your own, without your "best friend". The flip side of that is that people often have this misconception about being "in love" and how you should have "butterflies in your stomach" and be on cloud 9, etc... The reality is that if your wife is also your best friend your marriage could go a long way.

Having said all that, without the initial physical and emotional attraction it is not likely that you guys will make it very far, unless there is more to this issue which we don't know.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Ok.... I stopped reading when I got to the "I am not attracted to her" part.

Your attraction to her will NOT change after marriage.

Can you imagine your life 20 years from now being married someone to whom you have no attraction to?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> I just saw a quote that really applies here:
> 
> *Unless it is MAD, PASSIONATE, EXTRAORDINARY love it is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life. LOVE should not be one of them.*


I really like this quote.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I'd call it off.


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