# I don't enjoy spending time with my husband anymore...



## UnicornCupcake

Or, for that matter, talking to him in general. Typing this out fills me with sadness, but this _is_ how I feel... 

There are 2 reasons why I don't enjoy spending time with my husband or talking to him in general:

1. Making plans is exhausting and soul crushing. We've always had an agreement that since I have more time I'd do most of the planning. I've never had an issue with this, until now. Whenever I suggest something, research it, etc. I'm met with criticism and hostility. "I don't want to do that" and what not. It's gotten so bad that I don't even like putting an idea out there because all of them get pecked apart. If I ask him for input he MAY suggest something which I will factor in, but those suggestions are so rare they're not really carrying our social life. This has caused me to not look forward to anything... Our anniversary is coming up and I'm *this* close to asking him if he just wants to skip it. 

2. When we_do_ follow through with one of these plans the time spent together is so dull and robotic I'd rather be at home with my dog. There's little affection, communication, etc. We just walk around in silence and make mundane comments about the food, weather, etc. It's like we have nothing to say to each other.

Now, I HAVE talked to him about this. I've tried more than once, but for every single aspect of a situation I describe he has a rebuttal or excuse. If I tell him it upsets me we don't hold hands when we talk anymore, he'll tell me I walk too fast. When I told him I don't like that we don't snuggle while we watch TV he'll tell me I'm squirmy and constantly moving so it's difficult. All of these things are true (I'm a speed walker and can't sit still), but they've ALWAYS been true. Suddenly, these truths are barriers and excuses for behaviour that upsets me.
I'm not sure if they are excuses or, if in his head, he genuinely thinks it's ludicrous for me to feel the way I'm feeling. Everything has become a chore and So, I find myself questioning if my husband even likes who I am as a person. Everything I do annoys him. I don't force anyone to spend time with me. If you don't want to be here, leave. So I find myself withdrawing from day-to-day situations because I don't want to be around someone who makes me feel like they don't want to be around me.

(Even something as simple as eating dinner together has become distant. I've always expressed that I do not like eating in front of the TV. I get that he's tired after he comes home from work (so am I!), but I'd like to have a conversation over the meal I've cooked. I used to wait for him to eat so we could eat together, but every damn day he ASKS "Do you want to sit at the table?" and I get the feeling he's HOPING I say no so he can go eat in front of the TV. Well, F that. I'm not forcing him to eat with me so I've started eating before he gets home. That way he's free to eat wherever the hell he likes.)

If I didn't nag him or constantly remind him (like a child) of my expectations, they won't get met. I refuse to be a full-time nag, however, so I've just stopped saying anything. I'm more or less in observation mode and am watching him to see what decisions he'll make for himself if I'm not constantly making the suggestions, taking the lead, etc. 

In sum, my husband has always been pretty low key and simple while I never have been. I think he's just at this point in which he no longer humours me and that's why he's contesting plans, eating dinner in front of the TV, etc. It's like he can't be bothered to do any of it anymore. The dynamic has changed.

So, what's a wife to do? Maybe this is just a phase and I should go seek happiness elsewhere? I have no intentions of cheating, but it might be time for me to put some real physical space and just go do my own thing. (Take up another hobby, spend time with friends, etc.) I just don't want to be around him. He has plans to help a friend build a fence this Saturday and all I could think about was how happy I was that he wouldn't be around me all day and I wouldn't be stuck in the same "What do you want to do?" "I don't know, what do you want to do?" conversation?

Has anyone experienced this type of distance and withdraw? How do I cope? Obviously, I don't want to divorce or separate (which seems to be the go-to answer on TAM) because I'm not sure if my feelings justify such actions, but I'm honestly not sure how long I can go on feeling so lonely and unsatisfied and bored. If he didn't exist, for example, I'd be more than capable to fix my problem because it would be an individual problem (I'd just make new friends and explore and what not only that'd mean I never saw my husband because he doesn't want to do what I want to do and he doesn't want to do much himself), but I'm married and I need to factor his happiness into my own, but I'm lost on how to fix this dynamic that has me so unhappy.

- Sad Wife


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## Herschel

How old are you guys? How long have you been married? How long have you felt this way (or has it been leading up to this)? Os the sex good/frequent? /GuyInColorado

What are you willing to do to resolve this?


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## Satya

Have you tried showing him your posts?
I'm very serious.


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## UnicornCupcake

Herschel said:


> How old are you guys? How long have you been married? How long have you felt this way (or has it been leading up to this)? Os the sex good/frequent? /GuyInColorado
> 
> What are you willing to do to resolve this?


I'm turning 31 and he's turning 32. Our 1 year anniversary is coming up. I've always felt like this in phases - not just with him, but people in general. I'm a pretty passionate person and constantly need to be stimulated so if conversation becomes mundane rather than interesting I get really depressed. The sex has consistently been frequent, although I strongly believe in Duty Sex and am at the point in which I could go without it. (I don't feel close enough to him to enjoy sex.) This week there's been no sex because I'm having a minor health issue - something that's probably adding to my depression.

Honestly, I'm willing to do anything. I've suggested counseling. He won't do it. He thinks counseling is only for doomed couples. I'm willing to tweak minor personality annoyances and what not.


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## UnicornCupcake

Satya said:


> Have you tried showing him your posts?
> I'm very serious.


I keep a diary and sometimes I do read him past entries! One almost put him into tears so I haven't done it in awhile, but they tend to summarize how I'm feeling much better than I could explain in a conversation. But that just left me feelig gguilty for upsetting him because he doesn't seem to *get* why I'm so miserable and this is another reason for my withdraw.


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## Herschel

UnicornCupcake said:


> I'm turning 31 and he's turning 32. Our 1 year anniversary is coming up. I've always felt like this in phases - not just with him, but people in general. I'm a pretty passionate person and constantly need to be stimulated so if conversation becomes mundane rather than interesting I get really depressed. The sex has consistently been frequent, although I strongly believe in Duty Sex and am at the point in which I could go without it. (I don't feel close enough to him to enjoy sex.) This week there's been no sex because I'm having a minor health issue - something that's probably adding to my depression.
> 
> Honestly, I'm willing to do anything. I've suggested counseling. He won't do it. He thinks counseling is only for doomed couples. I'm willing to tweak minor personality annoyances and what not.


If you are at duty sex, then you are a "doomed" couple. Was he always this way? Have you just gotten sick of him? I think you need to plan for the nuclear option. Not that you have to get divorced, or even want to. But you have to make him realize that these issues are make or break. You've only been together a year and you are both young. Give him an ultimatum that he has to either see a counselor and TRY or you will go live with your mom and think about things...


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## farsidejunky

@turnera


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## jetzon

GEEZ , life is too short to live this way , yall need too talk an he needs to change or if i was you i would move on and do something else , this way of living would be miserble !


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## MrsAldi

I think you both need some alone time. 

There were parts where you sound like his mother not his wife. You even referenced "like a child". 

And I understand that completely, sometimes men don't listen or get it. My husband included. But I have to back off or risk becoming and going into the parent role. That's not sexy. 

Imagine him nagging you. How would you feel? 
" You're not holding my hand right " 
"You're not cuddling me properly" 

Yeah see, you would not like to be around him if he constantly nagged and was critical of you. It's doesn't exactly create a romantic atmosphere now does it? 

Make suggestions and then leave him to do his own thing. 
Give advice and then let him do what he wants. 
And if you want something done, do it yourself. Then ask him for help, instead of nagging or making him do something. 
Stop "observation mode" that's parental control. 

We want to spend time with people who make us feel good and happy. So if he's not excited about planning for the future, that's a major problem. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## tropicalbeachiwish

I'd recommend doing things on your own or with your friends. It's important to have lives outside of the marriage too. That way, you have things to talk about when you do get together. That may help some.


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## lucy999

UnicornCupcake said:


> I've always felt like this in phases - not just with him, but people in general. I'm a pretty passionate person and constantly need to be stimulated so if conversation becomes mundane rather than interesting I get really depressed.


This stood out to me. Are you exhausting to be around? You sound high maintenance. I'm not saying that to be mean-spirited. It's merely an observation from the above quote.


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## UnicornCupcake

Herschel said:


> If you are at duty sex, then you are a "doomed" couple. Was he always this way? Have you just gotten sick of him? I think you need to plan for the nuclear option. Not that you have to get divorced, or even want to. But you have to make him realize that these issues are make or break. You've only been together a year and you are both young. Give him an ultimatum that he has to either see a counselor and TRY or you will go live with your mom and think about things...


I am almost at my breaking point so I definitely think I need to do something. I disagree about Duty Sex, though. I think it's something women just do to please their husbands every now and then. (Obviously, this can't be the way it is all the time.) The same way men do things for their wives they'd rather not do.


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## UnicornCupcake

jetzon said:


> GEEZ , life is too short to live this way , yall need too talk an he needs to change or if i was you i would move on and do something else , this way of living would be miserble !


I'm exhausted. I wake up in the middle of the night and go cry on the couch because I'm just so disappointed. I don't think he's 100% of the problem, though. I know part of it is me, I'm just at a loss on where to go from here...


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## UnicornCupcake

MrsAldi said:


> I think you both need some alone time.
> 
> There were parts where you sound like his mother not his wife. You even referenced "like a child".
> 
> And I understand that completely, sometimes men don't listen or get it. My husband included. But I have to back off or risk becoming and going into the parent role. That's not sexy.
> 
> Imagine him nagging you. How would you feel?
> " You're not holding my hand right "
> "You're not cuddling me properly"
> 
> Yeah see, you would not like to be around him if he constantly nagged and was critical of you. It's doesn't exactly create a romantic atmosphere now does it?
> 
> Make suggestions and then leave him to do his own thing.
> Give advice and then let him do what he wants.
> And if you want something done, do it yourself. Then ask him for help, instead of nagging or making him do something.
> Stop "observation mode" that's parental control.
> 
> We want to spend time with people who make us feel good and happy. So if he's not excited about planning for the future, that's a major problem.
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


I'm a little nervous that I'll end up spending every weekend with my friends or doing other things. I'm trying to find some middle ground. Some desire to want to be around him.

Also, I KNOW that if I simply suggest and don't take control nothing with happen. That's what I'veb een doing.


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## UnicornCupcake

lucy999 said:


> This stood out to me. Are you exhausting to be around? You sound high maintenance. I'm not saying that to be mean-spirited. It's merely an observation from the above quote.


High maintenance has such a negative connotation to it. I consider myself passionate. I don't need you to be at my beck and call or put on a show for me when we spend time together, BUT I require stimulation. We can't just be sitting on the couch or having a conversation about the weather. I like this about myself, to be honest. I don't want to be one of those "low maintenance" people who are content with a piece of string and a TV show. That's not me. It never has been. I try to avoid people like that to some it might come off as high maintenance, but I just see it as lively... An energetic and passionate way to live. My husband is the opposite... He can literally watch TV for 8 hours and not talk. I feel like life is passing me by.


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## aine

Wow you are both far to young and recently married to settle into this kind of rut. I think he was always quiet and dull you kept the engine going, now you are beginning to think it is hard work and the novelty has run out.

I do think you are placing too much responsibility on him for your happiness. If you want counselling, go alone, do your own thing. Read Co-dependent No more, be your own person, own friends, money, activities, etc.
I have always been independent then had kids etc and only when they got older wanted that kind of closer relationship with my H but he just wasn't available emotionally and even physically (except for sex). I learned the hard way that you can make yourself miserable having expectations of your spouse that you know he will not meet. Become happy as a person in your own right, you never know if he sees you having fun and being confident etc he may want to join in.

About the sex, maybe you shouldn't give it to as often as he wants, think about it, he has the best of all worlds, he doesn't meet your needs, gets sex on tap, gets fed, what incentive does he have to change? None. If he moans about it, tell him 'what is good for the gander is good for the goose and its a two way street."


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## UnicornCupcake

aine said:


> Wow you are both far to young and recently married to settle into this kind of rut. I think he was always quiet and dull you kept the engine going, now you are beginning to think it is hard work and the novelty has run out.
> 
> I do think you are placing too much responsibility on him for your happiness. If you want counselling, go alone, do your own thing. Read Co-dependent No more, be your own person, own friends, money, activities, etc.
> I have always been independent then had kids etc and only when they got older wanted that kind of closer relationship with my H but he just wasn't available emotionally and even physically (except for sex). I learned the hard way that you can make yourself miserable having expectations of your spouse that you know he will not meet. Become happy as a person in your own right, you never know if he sees you having fun and being confident etc he may want to join in.
> 
> About the sex, maybe you shouldn't give it to as often as he wants, think about it, he has the best of all worlds, he doesn't meet your needs, gets sex on tap, gets fed, what incentive does he have to change? None. If he moans about it, tell him 'what is good for the gander is good for the goose and its a two way street."


I may have com off as co-dependent in my post, but I'm really not. If anyone is co-depended it's him. He's the one who NEEDS me to watch TV with him.... NEEDS me to sleep beside him... NEEDS me to shop with him... I'd rather watch TV alone... I suggested sleeping alone and he wasn't having it... I also refuse to shop with him because he's too pokey... I can function and survive without him, it just saddens me that i've reached this point in which I'd rather he not come home...

His family has a strange dynamic. They're all a very toxic and needy group of people. His parents hated each other, but they didn't know what to do without each other even though they spent no real time together... His sisters are the exact same. I raised in a single house hold. M ymother didn't give a **** if a man was around and I've kind of inherited that. I just don't want to be with someone who doesn't seem to WANT me there, but who keeps me there because what else would he do? My husband is the type who thinks bad company is better than no company and I'd rather have only my shadow around...


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## UnicornCupcake

OK, this is the best way I think I can paint a picture of the difference between my husband and I:

I'm a blanket stealer. Always have been. I just sleep with a blanket over my head. Initially, husband thought it was oh-so-adorable that I cocooned myself. As time went on, he got frustrated. He'd yell at me and yank the blankets so aggressively that I felt like I'd roll off the bed. My blanket stealing is no longer cute. It's annoying. I suggested we sleep with two different blankets. He shot that down, saying we'd get too hot and that because we're husband and wife, we should be sharing one blanket and one bed. So, I'm also a mover. Up until recently it was annoying, sure, but now my husband freaks out in the middle of the night at me - to the point I'm afraid to move. We also have a dog that is kind of squirmy too and he's always yelling at her in the middle of the night. I'm much more patient. If I feel her start to squirm, I'll pull her close to me for fear he'll smack her or something. (In his defense, my dog is annoying to sleep with... Even my mother has said so when she's babysat her overnight.) I asked how he felt about sleeping in different beds. I said I feel bad that he doesn't get a good night sleep because of us and I'd rather sleep freely and not be afraid to move. He thinks because we're married this is what we HAVE to do. It's out of the question to sleep in different beds. Me? I'd rather get a better night's sleep. He applies this "WE'RE MARRIED" mentality to everything. This is what I mean by he's the type to suffer through something that makes him miserable because he feels he should and I'm tired of feeling like he suffers through ME.


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## Jessica38

UnicornCupcake said:


> High maintenance has such a negative connotation to it. I consider myself passionate. I don't need you to be at my beck and call or put on a show for me when we spend time together, BUT I require stimulation. We can't just be sitting on the couch or having a conversation about the weather. I like this about myself, to be honest. I don't want to be one of those "low maintenance" people who are content with a piece of string and a TV show. That's not me. It never has been. I try to avoid people like that to some it might come off as high maintenance, but I just see it as lively... An energetic and passionate way to live. My husband is the opposite... He can literally watch TV for 8 hours and not talk. I feel like life is passing me by.


I'd start here. Figure out how to meet your need for passionate, stimulating conversation. Your husband does not sound like a bad guy- simply that he doesn't know how to make you happy and he likely feels your disappointment in him, which is causing him to withdraw further. 

Here's the plan I recommend, give it 3 months before reevaluating:

1. Look for only the positives in your husband. 
2. Join a class, workout group, meetup group, book club, whatever it takes to fulfill your need for stimulating conversation on your own. Make yourself happy. Do 3 things everyday for yourself.
3. Tell your husband how much you appreciate it when he does something you love. If he asks how your day is, or texts you a loving message, make sure you let him know how much you love his attention.
4. Part of self-care is stop doing things you don't like. He wants to watch TV, no problem. But YOU don't. So don't. If he asks you to, simply say in a happy, non-threatening, non-judgemental way "I can't. I have XYZ" or "I want to finish this book before I meet with the group tomorrow."

The best quote I've read recently: a happy woman is a magnet. 

Try this and by taking the pressure off, your husband will likely WANT to be around you and be the one who is making you happy. 

This is NOT easy at all. But it works shockingly well for a husband who is withdrawn.


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## UnicornCupcake

Jessica38 said:


> I'd start here. Figure out how to meet your need for passionate, stimulating conversation. Your husband does not sound like a bad guy- simply that he doesn't know how to make you happy and he likely feels your disappointment in him, which is causing him to withdraw further.
> 
> Here's the plan I recommend, give it 3 months before reevaluating:
> 
> 1. Look for only the positives in your husband.
> 2. Join a class, workout group, meetup group, book club, whatever it takes to fulfill your need for stimulating conversation on your own. Make yourself happy. Do 3 things everyday for yourself.
> 3. Tell your husband how much you appreciate it when he does something you love. If he asks how your day is, or texts you a loving message, make sure you let him know how much you love his attention.
> 4. Part of self-care is stop doing things you don't like. He wants to watch TV, no problem. But YOU don't. So don't. If he asks you to, simply say in a happy, non-threatening, non-judgemental way "I can't. I have XYZ" or "I want to finish this book before I meet with the group tomorrow."
> 
> The best quote I've read recently: a happy woman is a magnet.
> 
> Try this and by taking the pressure off, your husband will likely WANT to be around you and be the one who is making you happy.
> 
> This is NOT easy at all. But it works shockingly well for a husband who is withdrawn.


Thank you for not telling me to divorce my husband, lol. Or making either him or I look like a monster because we're both not. I think we're just two people who've changed a little and we're trying to figure each other and our new selves out. And you're right: He's not a bad guy. At ALL. When I compare him to other men I'm flabbergasted at how USEFUL he is in comparison. (And yes, I tell him this ALL the time because I want him to know that I have faith in him.)

I'm going to try and be as non-threatening and non-judgmental as I can. It's VERY hard for me. Like I said, I'm a passionate person. I can be talking about bubble gum and I have an opinion... A feeling. Many times we'll be talking about something casual and he'll calmly ask why I'm yelling? I didn't even realize I was and I'm not even angry. I'm just so expressive. I'm not sensitive so it's not like you have to walk on eggshells, but I have a lot of opinion and my own moral code. I need to simmer down, I know, but I'm terrified I'll turn into one of those lumpy empty shell people with no personality. You know the kind you accidentally bump into because you didn't even notice they were there? They have no presence? 

I want to be happy. For him. For myself. For life. I also want to be understood. I don't want to be tolerated.

So many things to work on!


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## tropicalbeachiwish

UnicornCupcake said:


> He's the one who NEEDS me to watch TV with him.... NEEDS me to sleep beside him... NEEDS me to shop with him...
> 
> I just don't want to be with someone who doesn't seem to WANT me there, but who keeps me there because what else would he do?


You don't think he WANTS you to watch TV with him? WANTS you to sleep by him? WANTS you to shop with? 

It sounds like he WANTS you there to me. What exactly do you expect him to do; swing on a chandelier, do cartwheels and back flips for you? You do sound a little high maintenance. 

Do some things with your friends. Find some hobbies. Find a good balance; not too much time away but not too much time at home.


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## Jessica38

UnicornCupcake said:


> Thank you for not telling me to divorce my husband, lol. Or making either him or I look like a monster because we're both not. I think we're just two people who've changed a little and we're trying to figure each other and our new selves out. And you're right: He's not a bad guy. At ALL. When I compare him to other men I'm flabbergasted at how USEFUL he is in comparison. (And yes, I tell him this ALL the time because I want him to know that I have faith in him.)
> 
> I'm going to try and be as non-threatening and non-judgmental as I can. It's VERY hard for me. Like I said, I'm a passionate person. I can be talking about bubble gum and I have an opinion... A feeling. Many times we'll be talking about something casual and he'll calmly ask why I'm yelling? I didn't even realize I was and I'm not even angry. I'm just so expressive. I'm not sensitive so it's not like you have to walk on eggshells, but I have a lot of opinion and my own moral code. I need to simmer down, I know, but I'm terrified I'll turn into one of those lumpy empty shell people with no personality. You know the kind you accidentally bump into because you didn't even notice they were there? They have no presence?
> 
> I want to be happy. For him. For myself. For life. I also want to be understood. I don't want to be tolerated.
> 
> So many things to work on!


It's very hard for me too, to stay happy and pleasant when I WANT more attention/conversation from my husband. I too need a lot of mental stimulation/conversation and I HATE TV. So I get it. 

But I'm not recommending that you just live with it forever. What is highly likely is that he's retreating more as you demand more from him, not because he doesn't want to give it to you, but because he doesn't know how to make you happy and likely feels pressured and is trying to avoid conflict with you. If you just focus on making yourself happy by doing what YOU really enjoy doing without expecting a thing from him, he will feel less pressured and start engaging more with you. 

He likely chose to marry you because he was enthralled by your passionate personality. And you likely fell in love with him for his calm, stable demeanor. Try to get back to that place where you loved his calmness and how it let you shine.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

UnicornCupcake said:


> I may have com off as co-dependent in my post, but I'm really not. If anyone is co-depended it's him. He's the one who NEEDS me to watch TV with him.... NEEDS me to sleep beside him... NEEDS me to shop with him... I'd rather watch TV alone... I suggested sleeping alone and he wasn't having it... I also refuse to shop with him because he's too pokey... I can function and survive without him, it just saddens me that i've reached this point in which I'd rather he not come home...



So he needs you to be around him all the time ... but you also say he's drifted apart from you. 
In the mean time, you've made it clear you'd rather watch TV alone and even sleep alone. Might such knowledge not drive a partner away, and to crankiness and critical behavior? 

I've seen this time and time again with low-key passive guys, who always seem to marry more high energy, demanding women. It works fine during the courtship phase when the two personalities are complimentary with one making most of the decisions and the other happily acquiescing. But at some point, the woman wakes up and realizes she's carrying the weight and her man is, for lack of better wording, not being a man. Then the problems start. It is a common dynamic and a very hard one to overcome. 

It can be positively maddening to get these men to understand. It's not just that they don't want to put forth the effort, they don't even see in the first place what needs to be done, even if it's staring them right in the face. Nothing gets through... until the breakup, and then they're completely crushed, often beyond recovery. 

The women in this situation seem oblivious to the fact that they got exactly what they were dating, and are understandably angered when they realize that it's just not so much fun in an actual marriage where both need to carry their share of the emotional weight.

More often than not, these mismatches end in divorce (usually preceded by infidelity on the woman's part as she loses any and all attraction to her man). This is a classic case of serious need for marriage counseling, and not just any counseling, but with someone familiar with this dynamic. The fact is that getting through to this man can be next to impossible, and unfortunately the wife usually isn't the best one to do it, at least no on her own. 

It is possible that this man may never be what you want. I hope that's not the case, but it'll take real work on both your parts to find out. I wish you the best.


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## UnicornCupcake

@Jessica38 and Rocky Mountain Yeti:

Thank you BOTH so much for your responses. I'm going to read them over and over again because I just found you both so helpful.
@Jessica38
It's nice to know I'm not that only "high maintenance" woman on TAM. I could start a thread about high maintenance women and how we're not all about Mercedes and highlights. It's about an attitude... An energy... A standard... We expect more from our lives than the "low maintenance" women and I'm not saying one type is superior over the other - I just want to clarify that having passion is often confused with being high maintenance. 
I'll try to expect less, but it's kind of catch 22 with my husband: If I expect less and take on a do-it-myself role he gets crushed. I swear, he finds it LESS emasculating to be nagged at than not relied upon. I'm trying to find that balance. I may just reflect as much as possible about the state we were in when we first met because you're right and we fell in love because we offered each other some balance. I taught him to stand up for himself (he was getting taken advantage of financially, emotionally, etc.) and he taught me to simmer down.

@ Rocky Mountain Yeti:

You hit the nail on the head. I'm so tired of being the boss. The one with all of the ideas... The one leading... Even things as simple as where we sit in a restaurant has him following me to whichever booth I please and I HATE that. I've TOLD him I hate that, but he'll forget or stop putting int he effort the next time we go out and I have to nag AGAIN so I just stopped and let him trail after me...

That being said, I won't cheat. Ever. I have physical attraction to him and SOME emotional, but it IS fading. However, I'm such an advocate for Nice Guys everywhere that I simply won't destroy him by cheating. I'd divorce before I ever let myself do that. I do respect his niceness. I see the way some husbands treat their wives and I feel so bad for them and then there's mine... Getting me a glass of wine when he notices I've finished one...

We have a lot of work to do. I haven't decided if I want to have to conversation about all of this (again) or just buck up and shut up and start DOING... Start ACTING


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## FrenchFry

@UnicornCupcake

So, I agree with @Jessica38 that you got married because the opposites in your personalities were attractive to each other. I did the same thing...I'm the low key lady however. Take this in a friendly spirit but you sound exhausting...just like my husband.  We make it work pretty darn well though and I think people have pointed out a few things that really help like find some additional outlets and appreciate what attracted you to your husband.


Some thoughts:



> his is what I mean by he's the type to suffer through something that makes him miserable because he feels he should and I'm tired of feeling like he suffers through ME.


This is what @aine is pointing out with co-dependence. If your husband is miserable in a situation that is easily changeable and he does nothing to change it, it is on him! Which would lead me to believe he either isn't miserable or enjoys misery. people who are inter-dependent don't try to guess their partners emotional state, they trust in the bond that the have that their partner will let them know if they are becoming miserable and do their best to accommodate them.



> I used to wait for him to eat so we could eat together, but every damn day he ASKS "Do you want to sit at the table?" and I get the feeling he's HOPING I say no so he can go eat in front of the TV. Well, F that. I'm not forcing him to eat with me so I've started eating before he gets home. That way he's free to eat wherever the hell he likes.)


What seems to happen in marriage sometimes is that the power struggles pile on top of each other until each action has a million hidden motives and expectations when the problem could be solved with a bit of communication, compromise and understanding.

Like 1) ask your husband straight out where he prefers to eat dinner. 2) Make your preference be known as well. 3) Take consideration of each others desires and compromise on the end result. This probably looks like 50% of the time you eat together, 50% of the time you eat in front of the TV. The best way for this to be successful is that you both understand that you are both trying to make each other happy and assuming the best intentions in your spouse.



> I know, but I'm terrified I'll turn into one of those lumpy empty shell people with no personality. You know the kind you accidentally bump into because you didn't even notice they were there? They have no presence?


I'm going to point out that you externalize a judgement about people who have a different personality than you. My husband does the same thing and by your statements and his statements I can tell some of it is insecurity and some of it is just inherent to how you process thoughts. 

However, there are a couple things on my side that I had to make my husband aware of. One is that I might not be talking, but I'm always listening. Always processing. If my husband is expressing dissatisfaction with people who like to watch binge watch TV and *I* like to binge watch TV, of course I'm going to internalize that as dissatisfaction with me as a person. 

This sort of conflict in personality often leads to your (and my!) exact situation and I think it's due to a lack of understanding in how different people process information. Because we don't understand each other, we assume the worst until it falls apart or there is a breakthrough.

Something to keep in mind though is that it's not usually that low-key people do not feel the world passionately. It's that the passion is differently routed and expressed in a different manner--something somewhat like your husband refilling your wine glass when yours is empty automatically instead of having a stimulating conversation.


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## sokillme

Some of this may very well be your husband but some of this may be you. What do you do? So you're passionate, about what, just conversation? Why does your husband have to be your only source of passion? Why do you look to your husband to fulfill all these needs? Do you work? Do you have hobbies? Frankly no spouse should be a responsible for fulfilling all their passions. It's too much. Some if this sounds like you saying you need more attention. Again there is nothing wrong with that to a point. What do you get fulfillment out of besides that though? 

When you say you are passionate I think of people who paint, or write music, or stories. Learn skills, read and teach themselves stuff. Volunteer, build careers, they don't look to others to fulfill them. I see also see lots of spouses complain about there partners like this though, then they end up cheating. Most of the time the problem was the cheater who never had the balls to do anything for themselves to make themselves happy but just expected their partners to do it. They think life is like a romance novel. Life is what YOU make of it. In the end they think the person they have the affair would make them happy, but again that person can only do so much. You are responsible for you own happiness. Your husband can contribute but it's not his job. His job is to love and support you, not fulfill you. 

Now if your husband is ignoring you and is passive and selfish by all means hold his feet to the fire, divorce him if you must, but if you are just bored then find something to really be passionate about. Your marriage isn't going to make you happily ever after even if you were married to Elon Musk, that's not how it works. Elon Musk is busy being passionate about Elon Musk, he doesn't have time to be his wife's source of happiness and excitement. Presumably she is doing that for herself.


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## Mostlycontent

UnicornCupcake said:


> I've always felt like this in phases - not just with him, but people in general. I'm a pretty passionate person and constantly need to be stimulated so if conversation becomes mundane rather than interesting I get really depressed.



This sentence stood out to me too. I've been married for 31 years and let me tell you, most of the conversations my wife and I have border on the mundane. Once you really know someone, not all that much new happens in a day or even a week of your life. If I sat down on the couch to talk with you at the end of every work day, you would be sorely disappointed because not much of real interest happens to most people day to day.

If you're expecting to have deep, meaningful conversations on a daily basis then you're going to be disappointed by everyone, not just your husband. As others have noted, having lots of friends with different interests and hobbies may be the way you need to keep yourself engaged and interested in life. I can tell you though that a lot of people don't require that level of titilation in order to feel contented. Your husband is one of those people.


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## Mostlycontent

aine said:


> Wow you are both far to young and recently married to settle into this kind of rut. I think he was always quiet and dull you kept the engine going, now you are beginning to think it is hard work and the novelty has run out.
> 
> I do think you are placing too much responsibility on him for your happiness. If you want counselling, go alone, do your own thing. Read Co-dependent No more, be your own person, own friends, money, activities, etc.
> I have always been independent then had kids etc and only when they got older wanted that kind of closer relationship with my H but he just wasn't available emotionally and even physically (except for sex). I learned the hard way that you can make yourself miserable having expectations of your spouse that you know he will not meet. Become happy as a person in your own right, you never know if he sees you having fun and being confident etc he may want to join in.
> 
> About the sex, maybe you shouldn't give it to as often as he wants, think about it, he has the best of all worlds, he doesn't meet your needs, gets sex on tap, gets fed, what incentive does he have to change? None. If he moans about it, tell him 'what is good for the gander is good for the goose and its a two way street."



I agreed with everything you said except the last paragraph. One should never use sex to manipulate another person, particularly in a marriage. That goes against the marriage vows and is malicious in nature. One can find another way to convince their partner to make changes if necessary but this option shouldn't be considered. Just my 2 cents.


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## Cooper

OP much of what I read in your comments seem like typical behavior of an introvert. There are different levels/types (?) but in a nut shell an introvert is someone who needs alone time to recharge their mental and physical energies, denied that we become stressed. You should read up on the subject, there's a book called "Quiet" in a World the can't stop talking" that I would recommend, for both you and your husband to read.

Maybe if you figure out why you need your alone time and your husband is understanding you can reach some compromises. Maybe for sleeping you push two twin beds against each other, that way your moving doesn't effect him so much. Or you find a little me cave in your home that you can go to for peace and alone time, while there your husband respects your space and leaves you be.

I was married to a woman like your husband, I am a passionate loving man but her constant neediness got to feel like badgering harassment, I was thrilled when she was gone and got bummed when I knew she was coming home. Her flat out refusal to try and understand my personality is one of the things that drove a wedge between us. Hopefully you and your husband can learn to understand individual needs are an important part of a happy unified marriage.


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## She'sStillGotIt

UnicornCupcake said:


> I'm turning 31 and he's turning 32. Our 1 year anniversary is coming up. I've always felt like this in phases - not just with him, but people in general. I'm a pretty passionate person and constantly need to be stimulated so if conversation becomes mundane rather than interesting I get really depressed. The sex has consistently been frequent, although I strongly believe in Duty Sex and am at the point in which I could go without it. (I don't feel close enough to him to enjoy sex.) This week there's been no sex because I'm having a minor health issue - something that's probably adding to my depression.
> 
> Honestly, I'm willing to do anything. I've suggested counseling. He won't do it. He thinks counseling is only for doomed couples. I'm willing to tweak minor personality annoyances and what not.


Holy crap. I honestly expected your answer to be that you were both in your 50's and had been married for 30 years.

He sounds totally and completely disengaged from you and the marriage. He doesn't even want to TRY to make things better. You seem to be the *only* one making any effort at all. It just sounds like you're dragging a reluctant kid around by the ear, trying to get him to be more involved and all you're getting back from him is more reluctance and a whole lot of foot-dragging.

He's not going to magically change. If he wants to change, he'll make the effort to do so. Like the others have said, I guess the best thing you can do is forge more of an independent existence for yourself so you're not constantly disappointed by his complete lack of participation in this marriage. I personally see this as 'settling' and I think it's a shame that anyone should have to push their own needs to the side in order to stay with someone whose unwilling to meet them halfway. Good luck to you.


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## MartinBeck

MrsAldi said:


> I think you both need some alone time.
> 
> There were parts where you sound like his mother not his wife. You even referenced "like a child".
> 
> And I understand that completely, sometimes men don't listen or get it. My husband included. But I have to back off or risk becoming and going into the parent role. That's not sexy.
> 
> Imagine him nagging you. How would you feel?
> " You're not holding my hand right "
> "You're not cuddling me properly"
> 
> Yeah see, you would not like to be around him if he constantly nagged and was critical of you. It's doesn't exactly create a romantic atmosphere now does it?
> 
> Make suggestions and then leave him to do his own thing.
> Give advice and then let him do what he wants.
> And if you want something done, do it yourself. Then ask him for help, instead of nagging or making him do something.
> Stop "observation mode" that's parental control.
> 
> We want to spend time with people who make us feel good and happy. So if he's not excited about planning for the future, that's a major problem.
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk




OP -
Your husband is feeling constantly under attack in his house and in his marriage. What has changed recently is that he's starting to decide it's not worth putting up with it and endlessly accommodating you when the reward is "duty sex" that he can tell you're not so in to.

You need to put your nervous controlling energy into something else.


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## lisacolorado

I identify with you and your husband both. Here's what I'm looking at in my marriage: Unspoken resentments. 

He needs to be able to own them. He needs to be able to speak them. He needs to learn this. You and he will have to open up space for that. There is no answer of "you shouldn't" to someone with resentment. It's only thoughts, but... it's a thought behavior. It has to change. He might be ready to strangle you. It's not right, and I'm not blaming you so much as saying, both of you need to look and see.


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## Mr. Nail

I'm trying to decide if this is basic incompatibility, or if he is depressed. 
I hate to post without offering some advice but I'm kind of lost here. You dated not so long ago and he was fun to be with then but now he is "pokey" imitable, argumentative, and "soul crushing". Can you identify what changed? did he change, can it be fixed?. Did your needs change? Did your expectations change? did you think he would change, but he didn't? 
With a depressed person you don't give them choices. You say we are going to go for a walk in the sun and you are going to hold my hand, because you need this. Because if depressed people don't interact, get sun, exercise and human contact, they spiral down to death. 

best I can do.


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## chillymorn69

I think you use the term passionate person to excuse yourself from an overbearing personality. 

your so passionate that you can't wait for your husband to pick a seat in a restaurant. why not wait until your husband say how about over here baby. if he don't just wait there until he dose. if he asks you just say where every you want honey. and then don't criticize where he picks to sit. you have most likley conditioned him with your passion to have everything the way you want that now he is just ok whatever you want is fine with me.


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## toblerone

UnicornCupcake said:


> Or, for that matter, talking to him in general. Typing this out fills me with sadness, but this _is_ how I feel...
> 
> There are 2 reasons why I don't enjoy spending time with my husband or talking to him in general:
> 
> 1. Making plans is exhausting and soul crushing. We've always had an agreement that since* I* have more time *I'd* do most of the planning. *I've* never had an issue with this, until now. Whenever *I* suggest something, research it, etc. *I'm* met with criticism and hostility. "I don't want to do that" and what not. It's gotten so bad that *I* don't even like putting an idea out there because all of them get pecked apart. *If I ask him for input he MAY suggest something which I will factor in, but those suggestions are so rare they're not really carrying our social life.* This has caused me to not look forward to anything... Our anniversary is coming up and I'm *this* close to asking him if he just wants to skip it.


So you do all the planning on things to do, and he doesn't get to choose other than saying 'yes' or 'no'. Then, when he does suggest something you complain that it is rare. My gosh, how often do you _need_ to do stuff?



> 2. When we_do_ follow through with one of these plans the time spent together is so dull and robotic I'd rather be at home with my dog. There's little affection, communication, etc. We just walk around in silence and make mundane comments about the food, weather, etc. It's like we have nothing to say to each other.


Have you ever considered that there might not be anything to talk about?



> Now, I HAVE talked to him about this. I've tried more than once, but for every single aspect of a situation I describe he has a rebuttal or excuse. If I tell him it upsets me we don't hold hands when we talk anymore, he'll tell me I walk too fast. When I told him I don't like that we don't snuggle while we watch TV he'll tell me I'm squirmy and constantly moving so it's difficult. All of these things are true (I'm a speed walker and can't sit still), but they've ALWAYS been true. Suddenly, these truths are barriers and excuses for behaviour that upsets me.


So, does he ever get a chance to criticize anything _you_ do, or only after you've complained about him?



> (Even something as simple as eating dinner together has become distant. I've always expressed that I do not like eating in front of the TV. I get that he's tired after he comes home from work (so am I!), but I'd like to have a conversation over the meal I've cooked. I used to wait for him to eat so we could eat together, but every damn day he ASKS "Do you want to sit at the table?" and I get the feeling he's HOPING I say no so he can go eat in front of the TV. Well, F that. I'm not forcing him to eat with me so I've started eating before he gets home. That way he's free to eat wherever the hell he likes.)


He'd rather eat in front of the TV so he doesn't have to listen to you talk. Why are you so uncomfortable with silence?



> In sum, my husband has always been pretty low key and simple while I never have been. I think he's just at this point in which he no longer humours me and that's why he's contesting plans, eating dinner in front of the TV, etc. It's like he can't be bothered to do any of it anymore. The dynamic has changed.


Sounds like the husband is making his own decisions and instead of following everything _you_ want to do, is doing what _he_ wants, too.


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## jb02157

This sounds a little like my marriage. I'm stuck doing everything, making all the money, doing all the cleaning and cooking I even have to schedule family vacations. When we go on them, all I hear are complaints. I ask her if she thinks she can do better at scheduling vacation then she can do it, but no. It's gotten to the point where I really don't want to spend time with her anymore. Nothing ever done for her is good enough. What I would do for someone to help me with anything however small at home, but no, I have to do evertything myself. It keeps on building more and more resentment.


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## Lukedog

From your original post I thought that you both were older and life had become mundane and you had been together so long that there was really nothing to talk about. When couples reach that stage later in life (the children are gone, they become empty-nesters, and have spent their whole marriage rallying around the children that they are now strangers to one another and have to "reinvent" their relationship). But that's not the case with you. You are both young enough that your marriage shouldn't be like this. And if you don't get out of the "rut" now, it will be harder to do it the more the years drag on. 

Counseling. IC and Marriage. Both of you read the self-help books if he won't do counseling and do the work together. Each of you have to recognize your own flaws, admit them, and be able to communicate that to each other, and be able to communicate to each other what each other's needs and expectations are in the marriage. Communication and understanding each other is key. Compromise. You don't always have to sit at the dining room table to eat dinner together. You don't always have to sit with him and watch TV. At your age I would think that you would want to sleep in the same bed and enjoy each other, but "duty" sex won't make for a lasting relationship either. That gets boring and mundane too! 

People don't change unless they want to change. Someone mentioned "unspoken resentments". Resentment buildup in a marriage is the worst. Resentment stems from all angles.....lack of trust....lack of communication.....lack of leadership and faith.....stress....anger....stupid little quirks and flaws.....you see the list goes on. 

How long were you both together before you got married? One year does not seem like a long enough time for all of these issues to have developed and for you to have become so bored and resentful over.


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## jenna76

UnicornCupcake said:


> Whenever I suggest something, research it, etc. I'm met with criticism and hostility. "I don't want to do that" and what not. It's gotten so bad that I don't even like putting an idea out there because all of them get pecked apart.
> 
> I hear you on this!I have been in similar situation. I have now learned to say "I have an idea but I don't feel like sharing it because it seems like many of my ideas are discredited and not honored most of the time"
> 
> 2. When we_do_ follow through with one of these plans the time spent together is so dull and robotic I'd rather be at home with my dog. There's little affection, communication, etc. We just walk around in silence and make mundane comments about the food, weather, etc. It's like we have nothing to say to each other.
> 
> You mentioned in a post below that you feel depressed when things are not stimulating. Since you are so passionate, why not bring into life some thought provoking topics? Let your mind wander and open up further expanding the topics of weather ,nature etc. The sky is the limit when it comes to talking about things.
> 
> " Everything I do annoys him. I don't force anyone to spend time with me. If you don't want to be here, leave. So I find myself withdrawing from day-to-day situations because I don't want to be around someone who makes me feel like they don't want to be around me."
> 
> 
> Have you ever questioned yourself if you may be annoying to be around? Are you nagging too much? Are you looking inside yourself if deeply you may be pushing him away? When you say "if you don't want to be around me leave," it sounds like you are unwilling to do anything in your power to make changes.
> 
> (Even something as simple as eating dinner together has become distant. I've always expressed that I do not like eating in front of the TV. I get that he's tired after he comes home from work (so am I!), but I'd like to have a conversation over the meal I've cooked. I used to wait for him to eat so we could eat together, but every damn day he ASKS "Do you want to sit at the table?" and I get the feeling he's HOPING I say no so he can go eat in front of the TV. Well, F that. I'm not forcing him to eat with me so I've started eating before he gets home. That way he's free to eat wherever the hell he likes.)
> 
> Can you move the TV to the kitchen table? How about finding a compromise? One day we eat at the table the next by the TV?
> 
> 
> 
> "I'm honestly not sure how long I can go on feeling so lonely and unsatisfied and bored."
> It sounds like he is more passive while you are more on the active side, you can try going out more, finding a hobby and see how you feel when you go back home.


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## crocus

Op, I don't enjoy spending time with my soon to be ex bf either. Because he's always bored lonely unsatisfied and needs to be stimulated and entertained.
Nor do I keep friends who have this sort of personality, it's like being around a ghost. Ghosting is what I call not being in the present moment, and always fighting the boredom. I can't recall being bored. Seriously. It doesn't happen. I don't watch tv, I don't fill all my time with social activities, I slow down and appreciate what's right in front of me. That's entertaining to me.
I like all kinds of people. Some from a distance. Because their energy is too "much". I just wanna be me. Most people do. And we want to be accepted for who we are, the way we are. If he gives you the happiness you are seeking, you will be more him than you. That's the icky feeling you are experiencing...your gut knows you've crossed too far on the bridge. Go build up your side, meet him in the middle. Give him space to be himself. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Betrayedone

.....get that dam dog out of the marital bed........I will not compete for space and attention with a dog in the bed.


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## jld

I think it's a good idea that you are planning to spend more time doing things you like with other people or even by yourself. It will give you a chance to see if you are happier on your own than with him.

When you are with him, or in regard to household responsibilities, just do what you feel inspired to do. That should prevent resentment in you.

I hope he will step up and take some leadership in the relationship. As long as you take most of the leadership role, there really isn't a reason for him to do it. Stepping back from that could give him an opportunity.


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## Stang197

Betrayedone said:


> .....get that dam dog out of the marital bed........I will not compete for space and attention with a dog in the bed.





No kidding!!!


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## oldshirt

Early 30s and married less than a year????

Here I was thinking you had been married 30 years and you were getting the premenopausal rages to where you can't stand how he chews his food or breathes. 

You know, if you beat a dog enough, eventually he'll just sit there cowering in the corner because he doesn't know what it is he is supposed to be doing or what he's not supposed to be doing. Eventually he'll just do nuth'n. 

Husbands are kind of the same way. There comes a point where they've been brow beat enough and hen pecked enough, that it's just easier to sit on the couch and get pecked for doing nuth'n than it is to expend time and energy and emotional investment into something and then getting beat because it wasn't good enough/fast enough/in the right color or with the right texture that matches the living room carpet. 

I'll be honest, I don't see how this can end well for either of you. I Truly have no idea how you two even got together in the first place. One or perhaps both of you did a bait and switch. Either he pretended to be higher-energy and more ambitious than he really is, or you pretended to be ....... Well, Not the way you actually are. Good bet it was a bit of both and both of you marketed yourselves to be more like the other than what either of you really is. 

Now to be fair, maybe you were great when it was Saturday night dates and living in two separate homes. But you two are way off the scale in terms of domestic compatibility. 

You each may be able to compromise and give a little. But there is such a wide spread here, I don't know how you are ever going to cover it. I don't see how he will ever be the mover and shaker you want. It's like you want a dog to race at the dog track but you brought a bulldog. 

And he must be miserable and feel like dog poop in the treads of your shoes. I am sure you are pretty and sexy and and are a good person that would return fallen baby birds to their nests. But he has to feel like a complete, emasculated failure as a man with you around. 

There are lots of chunky, sedentary women out there that would love to cuddle and share a big bowl of ice cream on the couch him and then crawl into bed and spoon till the wee hours of the morning until one of them has to roll over. 

And there are go-getter men that run corporations and lead armies and shoot rockets into space that only need 10 minutes of to-the-point conversation and some high-energy, hot monkey sex to be good. 

Dont'cha think you'd both be better off with more compatible mates? You can expect another 50 years on this earth. Do you really you can spend another half century like this??????

Is that even fair to either of you?????


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## oldshirt

Is anyone else having visions of the movie, "Saving Silverman?" 

I'm afraid if he screws up one more time he'll get his masturbation privileges revoked LOL


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Why did you marry him? How long did you actually date him?


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## Emmie

I could've written this post......
For a minute I thought I was you lol 😂 
Things won't get better though if you don't talk.
You are definitely at the stage where you need to be honest and serious about your situation and feelings.
My husband won't have counselling either. I think that he thinks that because I've put up with his crap for so long I'll keep doing it no matter what.
I am seriously bored with him, it sounds like you have the same problem. However it doesn't mean you should divorce. 
Keep trying until he listens. Set yourself a time frame for things to improve. Put him on probation. But tell him he has x amount of time before you 'reconsider' your options.
My husband is on probation. 
I just took a weeks vacation with my daughter but I came home to find no change although whilst I was away he didn't cope well at all. 
Have you considered taking a trip with some girlfriends for some 'time out'?
My husband and I haven't had sex for about 6 weeks maybe now. It's not me it's him. However I don't really fancy him when he's behaving like a child.
I hope you find a way of getting through to him!


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## UnicornCupcake

Thanks everyone! There's some good advice here.

I AM willing to compromise and change a little bit. I just want him to make the same sacrifice as well. I haven't quite figured out how to express this request yet without coming off like I'm trying to change him.

I know I'm intense to be around. I always have been and always will be. I actually like that about myself and I try to avoid people like the plague if they are low energy, but I do accept that not everyone may like the way I am. I'm trying to learn how to be a bit more... universal... basic... in my personality. Not so much that I lose myself, but enough that I'm not so much energy to be with.

To the poster that made a comment about the chunky woman who just wants to eat ice cream and watch TV: YES. I've told my husband that I think he'd be better suited for a "typical Portuguese woman" because all they do is sit there and eat and cook and sit there some more. He swears up and down he does not want this type of woman and even looks "down" on the type, but sometimes I genuinely wonder...

Things have gotten a bit better since I posted this thread. 
I've never placed my happiness solely on him, but I am quite angry that the courting stage is over and our lifestyle (although we are active) makes me feel dead inside. I never wanted to be the couple that spends time with other friends, but I'm at that stage. I'm going to a friend's tomorrow and I have no idea what he's doing. I don't really care, either. He'll probably go visit his dad and sit on their couch.

Also, I'm throwing myself into work and that's been stressful, but purposeful. I'm trying to find either another job to give me a full 55 hours or an entirely new more demanding job altogether. I'd rather be at work than home.


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## Jessica38

UnicornCupcake said:


> Things have gotten a bit better since I posted this thread.
> *I've never placed my happiness solely on him, but I am quite angry that the courting stage is over and our lifestyle (although we are active) makes me feel dead inside.* I never wanted to be the couple that spends time with other friends, but I'm at that stage. I'm going to a friend's tomorrow and I have no idea what he's doing. I don't really care, either. He'll probably go visit his dad and sit on their couch.
> 
> Also, I'm throwing myself into work and that's been stressful, but purposeful. I'm trying to find either another job to give me a full 55 hours or an entirely new more demanding job altogether. I'd rather be at work than home.


I don't blame you. Many women mourn the loss of the romance they once had in their marriages. In marriage, we want our spouses to meet our needs to feel happy and fulfilled in the relationship. There is nothing wrong with wanting that.


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## UnicornCupcake

Mr. Nail said:


> I'm trying to decide if this is basic incompatibility, or if he is depressed.
> I hate to post without offering some advice but I'm kind of lost here. You dated not so long ago and he was fun to be with then but now he is "pokey" imitable, argumentative, and "soul crushing". Can you identify what changed? did he change, can it be fixed?. Did your needs change? Did your expectations change? did you think he would change, but he didn't?
> With a depressed person you don't give them choices. You say we are going to go for a walk in the sun and you are going to hold my hand, because you need this. Because if depressed people don't interact, get sun, exercise and human contact, they spiral down to death.
> 
> best I can do.


I should add something:

His mother killed herself almost a year ago...
I've tried to be as supportive as I can and I think I've done really well, BUT she was a source of drama between us and the entire family.
His entire family had distanced themselves from her because of her toxicity. 

Now that I think about it, I wonder if he's having a delayed reaction to his sadness? Her 1 year death is coming up..

Christ. Now i feel awful. I think I thought ht was over it and he really wasn't...


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## turnera

UnicornCupcake said:


> I'm a blanket stealer. Always have been. I just sleep with a blanket over my head. Initially, husband thought it was oh-so-adorable that I cocooned myself. As time went on, he got frustrated. He'd yell at me and yank the blankets so aggressively that I felt like I'd roll off the bed. My blanket stealing is no longer cute. It's annoying.
> 
> I said I feel bad that he doesn't get a good night sleep because of us and I'd rather sleep freely and not be afraid to move. He thinks because we're married this is what we HAVE to do. It's out of the question to sleep in different beds. Me? I'd rather get a better night's sleep. He applies this "WE'RE MARRIED" mentality to everything. This is what I mean by he's the type to suffer through something that makes him miserable because he feels he should and I'm tired of feeling like he suffers through ME.


So I'm catching up, so forgive a rash of responses as I work through. 

You seem VERY ok with yourself. And that's usually a good thing. To a point. But you're married now. And you married at a relatively late age, so your patterns are set, as are his, which can be a problem. And marriage requires give and take. And it seems like the only give you're offering in this particular situation is that of moving out of the bedroom - the kiss of death to a marriage. So I'm asking why aren't you willing to consider compromising in the way you sleep. I get comfort. I give up a lot of what I would like in sleeping to give HIM some comfort. Like I cuddle before I fall asleep cos it makes him happy, even though I'd rather have the bed to myself. I also only get one wedge of the bed to accommodate him and the two dogs. But I'm not gonna make a mountain out of it cos, like I said, give and take. 

But if you literally wrap yourself up in a blanket so that you can't even touch skin...well, that's a problem. And you need to figure it out. Because that's not healthy for a marriage. This is one situation that's on YOU to change.

As for his anger...so far, I'd say it's because you are turning out NOT to be the partner he expected, but he loves you while feeling stuck in a lot of situations that don't make him happy. I can't think of a single man who'd want to go to bed and not be able to touch his wife. So, yes, his anger needs to be addressed but so far, I'm reading that his anger is a direct response to how unhappy he is. 

Have you read His Needs Her Needs? First job for you.


----------



## turnera

UnicornCupcake said:


> I'm going to try and be as non-threatening and non-judgmental as I can. It's VERY hard for me. Like I said, I'm a passionate person. I can be talking about bubble gum and I have an opinion... A feeling. Many times we'll be talking about something casual and he'll calmly ask why I'm yelling? I didn't even realize I was and I'm not even angry. I'm just so expressive. I'm not sensitive so it's not like you have to walk on eggshells, but I have a lot of opinion and my own moral code. I need to simmer down, I know, but I'm terrified I'll turn into one of those lumpy empty shell people with no personality.


Did he used to like this about you? What changed?

Have the two of you discussed the family he came from? The one where nobody expressed feelings and everyone hid everything? You realize you are the antithesis of this, right? He was looking for something, probably to heal the dysfunction he had with them. These are conversations you two need to have.


----------



## UnicornCupcake

turnera said:


> So I'm catching up, so forgive a rash of responses as I work through.
> 
> You seem VERY ok with yourself. And that's usually a good thing. To a point. But you're married now. And you married at a relatively late age, so your patterns are set, as are his, which can be a problem. And marriage requires give and take. And it seems like the only give you're offering in this particular situation is that of moving out of the bedroom - the kiss of death to a marriage. So I'm asking why aren't you willing to consider compromising in the way you sleep. I get comfort. I give up a lot of what I would like in sleeping to give HIM some comfort. Like I cuddle before I fall asleep cos it makes him happy, even though I'd rather have the bed to myself. I also only get one wedge of the bed to accommodate him and the two dogs. But I'm not gonna make a mountain out of it cos, like I said, give and take.
> 
> But if you literally wrap yourself up in a blanket so that you can't even touch skin...well, that's a problem. And you need to figure it out. Because that's not healthy for a marriage. This is one situation that's on YOU to change.
> 
> As for his anger...so far, I'd say it's because you are turning out NOT to be the partner he expected, but he loves you while feeling stuck in a lot of situations that don't make him happy. I can't think of a single man who'd want to go to bed and not be able to touch his wife. So, yes, his anger needs to be addressed but so far, I'm reading that his anger is a direct response to how unhappy he is.
> 
> Have you read His Needs Her Needs? First job for you.


LOL. I never said he doesn't get to TOUCH me. I just said i prefer to sleep underneath the blanket. We sit on the couch all the time, butHE doesn't want to cuddle then. WHY? Becaues I move too much


----------



## UnicornCupcake

turnera said:


> Did he used to like this about you? What changed?
> 
> Have the two of you discussed the family he came from? The one where nobody expressed feelings and everyone hid everything? You realize you are the antithesis of this, right? He was looking for something, probably to heal the dysfunction he had with them. These are conversations you two need to have.


His family is the most toxic group of people I think I've ever met.
Mine's not perfect, but definitely not toxic.
When we first met 4 years ago his family seemed SO close.
Like a perfect big European family.
As I got to know them I realized that closeness was veiled in dysfunction.
He doesn't want me to heal them, trust me.
He HATES that his family turned out like this and mine is now "superior" 
(Yes, I'm usuing the word superior because we don't cheat and steal and beat each other like his does.)
He's actually pretty spiteful about the situation with his family.
It's a huge sour spot for him (understandably) and I try not to even say a PEEP because everything I say gets misconstrued as putting them down.


----------



## turnera

UnicornCupcake said:


> I am quite angry that the courting stage is over and our lifestyle (although we are active) makes me feel dead inside.


How long did you court? What did you do? Try to be specific. 



> I have no idea what he's doing. I don't really care, either. He'll probably go visit his dad and* sit on their couch.*


You realize, right, that you are FULL of judgment and resentment? I honestly don't see how this is going to work out because you are basically saying you can't stand who he is and he'd damn well better turn into a go-getter like you. 

Well, he isn't. He's not going to. And the sooner you shed that judgment and resentment, the sooner you'll be able to approach this as equals, rather than the one with the RIGHT way to do things.

You need to do a lot of reading. You're looking for something to do. Start educating yourself on personalities, FOO, brain hardwiring, and how people end up like they do. Start with Getting The Love You Want by Hendrix. IMO, it's the one that most closely deals with your situation - why we pick the people we pick (to fix things in our FOO) and what to do with them, now that we're married.


----------



## turnera

UnicornCupcake said:


> LOL. I never said he doesn't get to TOUCH me. I just said i prefer to sleep underneath the blanket. We sit on the couch all the time, but HE doesn't want to cuddle then. WHY? Because I move too much


Someone who's constantly moving would irritate me, too. Like I said, men tend to love to touch their wives in bed, even if it's just an arm touching an arm as you drift off to sleep. Do you allow that?

And you've made it clear you really don't like sitting on the couch, you'd rather be doing something else, something 'more worthwhile,' and I can practically guarantee he's well aware that you're being judgmental while sitting on the couch, so your fidgeting is just a very real reminder that you disapprove of him.


----------



## turnera

UnicornCupcake said:


> He doesn't want me to heal them, trust me.


That's not what I said. People with dysfunctional families will pick a partner who they subconsciously think will 'fix' the issues they had with a family member, usually the one who hurt them the most. We don't even realize we're doing it. Usually that person is just like the family member who hurt them, but not always. Like if daddy always yelled, I'll pick a guy who yells, and I'll subconsciously be attracted to him for it and think 'yeah, well, HE will LOVE me, so I can tame the yelling, he'll stop for me, and he'll make up for the yelling my dad did.'


----------



## bandit.45

UnicornCupcake said:


> I'm turning 31 and he's turning 32. Our 1 year anniversary is coming up. I've always felt like this in phases - not just with him, but people in general. I'm a pretty passionate person and constantly need to be stimulated so if conversation becomes mundane rather than interesting I get really depressed. The sex has consistently been frequent, although I strongly believe in Duty Sex and am at the point in which I could go without it. (I don't feel close enough to him to enjoy sex.) This week there's been no sex because I'm having a minor health issue - something that's probably adding to my depression.
> 
> Honestly, I'm willing to do anything. I've suggested counseling. He won't do it. He thinks counseling is only for doomed couples. I'm willing to tweak minor personality annoyances and what not.


I think you need counseling for yourself. Your husband is not the problem.


----------



## turnera

Oh, and I'm sure his mother dying is a HUGE part of y'all's issues. Is he talking about it?


----------



## UnicornCupcake

turnera said:


> Someone who's constantly moving would irritate me, too. Like I said, men tend to love to touch their wives in bed, even if it's just an arm touching an arm as you drift off to sleep. Do you allow that?
> 
> And you've made it clear you really don't like sitting on the couch, you'd rather be doing something else, something 'more worthwhile,' and I can practically guarantee he's well aware that you're being judgmental while sitting on the couch, so your fidgeting is just a very real reminder that you disapprove of him.


Hmmm. I never thought about this. Even though I was trying my best to sit quietly and "take one for the team" during our very boring moments of TV watching, my fidgeting is probably just reminding him how bored I am. That's probably quite annoying... I'm not as a good an actress as I thought... 

Anyway, I've been doing my own thing since I wrote this post which usually entails me locking myself in the bedroom to either do my nails, a puzzle, read a book, yoga, etc. He'll ask what I'm doing in there and I'll tell him and he'll respond with either "Oh..." or "So you don't want to watch TV?" The first response is just him acknowledging what I'm doing, but he'll make no effort to be like "I'll do a puzzle with you..." or "Why don't you tell me about your book?" The other response just makes me feel guilty that I don't want to do what he wants to do.


----------



## UnicornCupcake

turnera said:


> That's not what I said. People with dysfunctional families will pick a partner who they subconsciously think will 'fix' the issues they had with a family member, usually the one who hurt them the most. We don't even realize we're doing it. Usually that person is just like the family member who hurt them, but not always. Like if daddy always yelled, I'll pick a guy who yells, and I'll subconsciously be attracted to him for it and think 'yeah, well, HE will LOVE me, so I can tame the yelling, he'll stop for me, and he'll make up for the yelling my dad did.'


I never thought about this, either and I guess I find it kind of flattering, but I can't "fix" his family if he doesn't listen to be about what's made them so toxic in the first place which (IMO) is the fact that they don't TALK. Not just that they don't use their words (the house is silent), but they don't communicate. They all just live in denial and sweep things under the rug.

They won't even admit their mother killed herself. They tell everyone it was a freak health accident when in actuality she sent text messages to all of her kids saying she was sorry for being a terrible mother, to forgive her and she had a stomach full of pills. They refuse to admit that she killed herself and that's the entire dynamic in which they "function" Whent he police asked them on teh scene if there was any thing they could think of that might tempt her to do this they all said NO. I literally was taken aback and the officer looked at me. I wanted to be like are you kididng me? I told you guys MONTHS ago I think your mother is going to kill herself. (Which I did... The signs were textbook.)


----------



## bandit.45

UnicornCupcake said:


> Hmmm. I never thought about this. Even though I was trying my best to sit quietly and "take one for the team" during our very boring moments of TV watching, my fidgeting is probably just reminding him how bored I am. That's probably quite annoying... I'm not as a good an actress as I thought...
> 
> Anyway, I've been doing my own thing since I wrote this post which usually entails me locking myself in the bedroom to either do my nails, a puzzle, read a book, yoga, etc. He'll ask what I'm doing in there and I'll tell him and he'll respond with either "Oh..." or "So you don't want to watch TV?" The first response is just him acknowledging what I'm doing, but he'll make no effort to be like "I'll do a puzzle with you..." or "Why don't you tell me about your book?" The other response just makes me feel guilty that I don't want to do what he wants to do.


Be honest with us.

Why do you want to be married? What do you get out of it? What are your goals for marriage? 

I'm not trying to be difficult towards you, but I cannot figure out your motivations.


----------



## turnera

UnicornCupcake said:


> Hmmm. I never thought about this. Even though I was trying my best to sit quietly and "take one for the team" during our very boring moments of TV watching, my fidgeting is probably just reminding him how bored I am. That's probably quite annoying... I'm not as a good an actress as I thought...
> 
> Anyway, I've been doing my own thing since I wrote this post which usually entails me locking myself in the bedroom to either do my nails, a puzzle, read a book, yoga, etc. He'll ask what I'm doing in there and I'll tell him and he'll respond with either "Oh..." or "So you don't want to watch TV?" The first response is just him acknowledging what I'm doing, but he'll make no effort to be like "I'll do a puzzle with you..." or "Why don't you tell me about your book?" The other response just makes me feel guilty that I don't want to do what he wants to do.


So, as someone whose entire life has been dictated by what's on tv, especially driven by my H, who HAS to have a tv on at all times, and whose MC told us, told HIM, that he needs to give up at least ONE night a week from tv so that we can operate as real human beings and not couch potatoes, I hear you. 

BUT...probably just like my H, tv is your H's drug. It comforts him. It keeps him from having to think about things. It keeps him from confronting his feelings. From remembering his mom is gone, as bad as she was. From facing the fact that his wife practically hates him now. 

I'll bet money he's a conflict avoider; tv gives him an excuse not to have to 'live life' and deal with conflicts that he wants to avoid.

So what's the solution? You can't change him. You WON'T change him. 

What you CAN do is start seeing what being married to you looks like, feels like. Only then can you find a way to show him that you can do things together that will (1) not be controversial, (2) not cause him to have to defend himself or argue with you, and (3) won't drive him outside his comfort zone. Meaning, YOU have to start giving him good alternatives. 

Set up a jigsaw puzzle on a card table IN the living room, with two chairs. Watch a show with him, but work on the puzzle at the same time. Invite him over. If you get all the way through a puzzle, have a deck of cards nearby and start dealing cards and play a game. or Yahtzee or something. Start turning the volume down on the tv so that you guys start communicating again. A puzzle is a great opportunity to keep a comfortable conversation going.

Tell him you want to stay in shape and you want to start going for a walk every day; bring out his tennis shoes and hold them out, smile, and say 'Will you go with me?'

Get some tickets to a college baseball or basketball or football or soccer game and get a card and put them in the card and hand it to him with a kiss. You don't have to have a conversation about such things; odds are you'll turn it into a judgmental complaint, or he'll feel that way.

Let him see you can be fun to be around. Let him see you stop judging him. Let him see you offering alternatives to tv.


----------



## turnera

UnicornCupcake said:


> I never thought about this, either and I guess I find it kind of flattering, but I can't "fix" his family if he doesn't listen to be about what's made them so toxic in the first place which (IMO) is the fact that they don't TALK. Not just that they don't use their words (the house is silent), but they don't communicate. They all just live in denial and sweep things under the rug.


Again, that's not what I meant. Read the book. You'll understand more. It's quite enlightening. First, the person isn't consciously thinking 'fix this.' They are just attracted to you cos - while you're in courting mode - you are on your best behavior and they think that you'll stay like this and NOT do whatever it is that made them unhappy in FOO. They have no idea there is anything to fix. It's just their family. It's just how they are. They aren't consciously looking to you to DO anything, just be fun to be around and make them happy.

And you aren't really going to FIX anything - in what I'm describing, the 'fix' is to NOT BE LIKE their family member. If I had to guess, your NOT quietness is what attracted you to him because, as you said, they ARE quiet. It felt good to be with the opposite of them. But he's still who he is: a product of a quiet dysfunctional family. He's probably an introvert, while you're an extrovert (why you can't stand doing quiet things). And because of that, NOT quiet, energy, hyperness are very draining to him. 

Did you know extroverts soak up energy by being around people while introverts are drained by being around people? They have to retreat to someplace quiet and alone just to recharge. The less down time they get, the more anxious and unhappy they get.

On another note, his wanting you to watch tv with him is at least partly because of his need for you to desire/choose/want him. By you choosing to go into another room, he feels unloved, abandoned, judged. Probably the same things he felt growing up. He's just not on a forum like this, or I'd be telling him how to fix this.

Have you ever had your EQ tested?


----------



## _anonymous_

OP, you and your husband are different in many ways, but I urge you to not let your differences be divisive. 

In a marriage, there should be some space for what you want, and also, for what he wants. You'll need to work harder at finding the right mix. As it stands, perhaps your husband is bored by your planned activities and wishes to do something different. I propose you two alternate the selection of activities: you pick what you want to do one time, but next time, he plans and you do what he wants. 

I realize he's currently not contributing much to the planning, but there must be a reason for his behavior. Is he depressed, over his mom's passing? Is he frustrated by your choice of activities? Is he overwhelmed by the prospect of serving your diverse needs for engagement and entertainment? Talk with him. Be relentless, and figure what's wrong. You need to understand him for this dynamic to improve.

I do think you need to grin and bear some of his TV watching. Maybe find a series you both like on Netflix, and watch it together? Engage him during and after episodes, about the storyline and characters. Share in that experience, and make the most of it you can. You can enjoy activities he enjoys in moderation; it's just a matter of finding out how and the extent that agrees with you.

It's sad that your husband doesn't enjoy what you enjoy. But realize, a puzzle might bore him to tears. If you're into creative writing, your husband might not even be into reading, so potentially it's not a good match. What's thrilling for you could be torture for him. The sad truth is that there might be certain things you simply cannot enjoy together, but you can do those activities either alone or with like-minded friends who enjoy the same. Remember, activities with your husband should bring you both together. If any one activity proves to push you two apart, you ought not to insist on doing it anyway!

My advice for you and your husband is to relax your expectations about what marriage should be. You're new to this, and have yet to appreciate that some of your ideals are incongruent with reality. You need not snuggle to be happily married, nor share a single blanket or always watch his TV shows. Again, your differences need not be divisive... just managed better. Good luck!


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## UnicornCupcake

_anonymous_ said:


> I do think you need to grin and bear some of his TV watching. Maybe find a series you both like on Netflix, and watch it together? Engage him during and after episodes, about the storyline and characters. Share in that experience, and make the most of it you can. You can enjoy activities he enjoys in moderation; it's just a matter of finding out how and the extant that agrees with you.


I have tried this. SOOOOOOO many times. The ONLY thing that makes watching TV tolerable for me is discussion. Why did that character do that? Where do I know this actress from? What do you think will happen next? What do you think about this political issue? (We like House of Cards and Designated Survivor so there are so many relevant political issues to discuss.)

NOTHING.
NOTHING.
I get 1 worded answers because he has NO opinion.


----------



## jld

I think you are going to have to be the leader in your relationship, UC. Ask him about things that are interesting to him to start discussions. That should get him talking.


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## MartinBeck

Your husband wants Recreational Companionship to spend time with you while he crashes out on the couch after work. He needs your presence, enjoys physical contact if you're not anxiously fidgeting, and he needs to crash out in front of the TV.
You need to do that for him pretty regularly. 
It sounds like you also have an enormous amount of nervous anxious energy that you need to channel more constructively. Hit the gym! And do something else a few days a week that gets you focused on something and channels your energy off him. Gardening, crafts, something. Make a regular schedule where you tell him the days a week that you are going to be out at the gym and the days where you will be doing other things, and make Wednesday nights Netflix and Chill nights.


----------



## Jessica38

UnicornCupcake said:


> I have tried this. SOOOOOOO many times. The ONLY thing that makes watching TV tolerable for me is discussion. Why did that character do that? Where do I know this actress from? What do you think will happen next? What do you think about this political issue? (We like House of Cards and Designated Survivor so there are so many relevant political issues to discuss.)
> 
> NOTHING.
> NOTHING.
> I get 1 worded answers because he has NO opinion.


Take a step back. Let him enjoy his activities/hobbies while you practice self-care. Join a group in the evenings where you can get the conversation you need while he gets the downtime he needs. 

This will help you stay positive about your marriage, putting less pressure on him, and attracting him to you at the same time, because you'll be a happy, fun person to be around when he does spend time with you.

This is a great post by a popular marriage coach who talks about your situation:
My Husband Ignores Me | Laura Doyle

Try it for a month and see what happens.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

UnicornCupcake said:


> High maintenance has such a negative connotation to it. I consider myself passionate. I don't need you to be at my beck and call or put on a show for me when we spend time together, BUT I require stimulation. We can't just be sitting on the couch or having a conversation about the weather. I like this about myself, to be honest. I don't want to be one of those "low maintenance" people who are content with a piece of string and a TV show. That's not me. It never has been. I try to avoid people like that to some it might come off as high maintenance, but I just see it as lively... An energetic and passionate way to live. My husband is the opposite... He can literally watch TV for 8 hours and not talk. I feel like life is passing me by.





> I have tried this. SOOOOOOO many times. The ONLY thing that makes watching TV tolerable for me is discussion. Why did that character do that? Where do I know this actress from? What do you think will happen next? What do you think about this political issue? (We like House of Cards and Designated Survivor so there are so many relevant political issues to discuss.)
> 
> NOTHING.
> NOTHING.
> *I get 1 worded answers because he has NO opinion.*


I just want to sympathize with your struggle here.. I can't imagine how stir crazy even I would get with a man who doesn't offer conversation or at least give something back when trying to open something up.. simply put...*it KILLS the intimacy*... just imagining this scenario, it would be wholly frustrating... drab, lifeless... boring...

Can you tell us.. what are HIS INTERESTS, what is HE passionate about ?? 

I am married to an introverted man but he's very easy to talk to -will give me his opinions, we discuss things during the commercials of movies & such.... I've always done all the planning for our trips, little get aways.. if I left him to do this.. we'd probably not leave the house... I never minded this..as he's always happy to go and enjoys anything we do.. this makes ALL the difference.. and probably would for you too, it's your husband's attitude that squashes it all and leaves you feeling empty inside... not that he needs to be an extrovert like yourself.. 



> I never thought about this, either and I guess I find it kind of flattering, but I can't "fix" his family if he doesn't listen to be about what's made them so toxic in the first place which (IMO) is the fact that they don't TALK. Not just that they don't use their words (the house is silent), but they don't communicate. *They all just live in denial and sweep things under the rug.
> *
> They won't even admit their mother killed herself. They tell everyone it was a freak health accident when in actuality she sent text messages to all of her kids saying she was sorry for being a terrible mother, to forgive her and she had a stomach full of pills. They refuse to admit that she killed herself and that's the entire dynamic in which they "function" Whent he police asked them on teh scene if there was any thing they could think of that might tempt her to do this they all said NO. I literally was taken aback and the officer looked at me. I wanted to be like are you kididng me? I told you guys MONTHS ago I think your mother is going to kill herself. (Which I did... The signs were textbook.)


How very tragic!.. . so all the signs were there....she never got any help....family members just went about their business... she was probably screaming inside to talk to someone herself... (just assuming but may not have known how to go there - beings it was their family dynamic)...was this recent ??

Does depression run in the family ??


----------



## UnicornCupcake

SimplyAmorous said:


> I just want to sympathize with your struggle here.. I can't imagine how stir crazy even I would get with a man who doesn't offer conversation or at least give something back when trying to open something up.. simply put...*it KILLS the intimacy*... just imagining this scenario, it would be wholly frustrating... drab, lifeless... boring...
> 
> Can you tell us.. what are HIS INTERESTS, what is HE passionate about ??
> 
> I am married to an introverted man but he's very easy to talk to -will give me his opinions, we discuss things during the commercials of movies & such.... I've always done all the planning for our trips, little get aways.. if I left him to do this.. we'd probably not leave the house... I never minded this..as he's always happy to go and enjoys anything we do.. this makes ALL the difference.. and probably would for you too, it's your husband's attitude that squashes it all and leaves you feeling empty inside... not that he needs to be an extrovert like yourself..
> 
> 
> 
> How very tragic!.. . so all the signs were there....she never got any help....family members just went about their business... she was probably screaming inside to talk to someone herself... (just assuming but may not have known how to go there - beings it was their family dynamic)...was this recent ??
> 
> Does depression run in the family ??


The thing is, I'm not even an extrovert. I socialize on a limited basis, but my energy is affected by company: I need quality company - not quantity. (My version of quality, obviously as I realize everyone has different needs.) My husband feeds off other people. He likes to have other people around which is why he'll go sit on someone else's couch even if they aren't doing anything. He feels better just being there whereas I get bored to tears and want to clean something. His interests are work (he works long and hard) and soccer (which I also share as we both play competitively), but other than that he doesn't really do much. He doesn't have any other hobbies or interests. (I on the other hand probably have too many interests.) His mother was the same way which is why I think she did what she did. She just sat in the dark day after day and played Candy Crush. Depression definitely runs in his family. His sister is the definition of Prozac Nation. She's a walking zombie and so out of her head it's almost creepy to watch her around her newborn. She's just so... detached. The kid is provided for yes, but there's this strange robotic lifestyle to her. She was like that with her older son, too. Basic needs provided for, but she has no interest in being a parent or mother. 

He went to work today and he said it's because he wanted to give me my space which made me sad. I don't want the man to work on ****ing Saturdays, especially because he has such an early (6 AM) start time. They;re in their busy seasons o there's sometimes a chance to pick up extra shifts. No, I don't think he's cheating. I think he just wants me to have some peace. I feel the same way which is why I'm trying to hard to get a second job. (ALthough, I'ms ure the next 100 responses will be he's cheating, lol.)

He did, however, make a plan for us. He came home quite excited about it. (It was an extension of something I'd suggested months ago, but whatever.) He put in the effort to make it happen and I was very pleased with that.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

UnicornCupcake said:


> I have tried this. SOOOOOOO many times. The ONLY thing that makes watching TV tolerable for me is discussion. Why did that character do that? Where do I know this actress from? What do you think will happen next? What do you think about this political issue? (We like House of Cards and Designated Survivor so there are so many relevant political issues to discuss.)
> 
> NOTHING.
> NOTHING.
> I get 1 worded answers because he has NO opinion.


SO, he's watching his show, you KNOW he likes his show and you pepper him with questions. Please tell me you see the problem. Hint: He most likely has an opinion.
Many of your responses are kind of telling. I'm not saying he has no fault, but you exude a level of resentment in words and I can only imagine what he picks up in person.


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## cc48kel

I don't either!! In fact he has been gone the last few days and I don't miss him at all!! I told him we need to do this more often.. : ) Sure I would enjoy a 'real' marriage but he is not willing to work at it and I'm exhausted trying to figure it out. The one thing that would get his attention, I'm not willing to do now is to file. It's easier to escape every now and then.


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## turnera

Have you tried coming up with a hobby that you can do on the couch? Like reading or sudoku or crocheting or needlepoint or scrapbooking?


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## UnicornCupcake

turnera said:


> Have you tried coming up with a hobby that you can do on the couch? Like reading or sudoku or crocheting or needlepoint or scrapbooking?


Guys, I can't express this enough:
MY HUSBAND HAS NO HOBBIES AND NO INTEREST AND NO DESIRE TO PICK UP ANY HOBBIES OR PURSUE ANY INTERESTS. (Apart from projects which I'll explain...)

I've tried everything damn thing imaginable, he just wants to work, play soccer, and lounge. That's his life in a nutshell. He will do NONE of the things you've suggested. 

One thing I'm holding onto, mainly because it's in the near future, that I think will help him feel more fulfilled is house projects. We currently rent (and therefore have NO maintenance and I do 99% of domestic duties). We are looking to purchase within 9-12 months. (Financially, we have the down payment, but are nervous given the market in our area which is absolute insanity.) As soon as we have a home there will be a ton of things to do. This is one thing he enjoys. He'll spend his entire Sunday helping a random person put up a fence, or help a friend finish his roof, basement, etc. He's not one of those men who says he'll paint the bathroom or seal the driveway - he actually does it. Every couple of months he'll ask my mom if she has anything around the house she'd like him to do and he'll do it. (He keeps asking her when she thinks she'll be ready to renovate her bathroom so he can do it.) I'm genuinely looking forward to owning a home because I think he'll have more to do. He's already asked me to compile a list of things I think I'll want in the new home and we'll putter around home depot mentally pricing things out.

Also, I had a weird revelation about our social life this weekend. I had two events to go to and I was genuinely surprised about the lack of turn out at both. Both of the people hosting seem so active in the community, constantly in communication with others, etc. They just seemed like the type to have a ton of friends. Nope. It made me realize that as an adult (regardless of how social you are) there just aren't that many people available to attend events. Now that it's put in perspective, my social life seems pretty normal.


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## turnera

UnicornCupcake said:


> Guys, I can't express this enough:
> MY HUSBAND HAS NO HOBBIES AND NO INTEREST AND NO DESIRE TO PICK UP ANY HOBBIES OR PURSUE ANY INTERESTS. (Apart from projects which I'll explain...)


You have misunderstood nearly every one of my posts.

I asked if YOU had tried a hobby that YOU do while you sit on the couch. I finished quite a lot of needlepoint etc. projects while watching tv with my husband. He was busy vegging out in front of the tv. I was busy keeping him company while indulging in a bunch of projects I tried out.

Have you ever been checked for ADHD? It kind of seems like you are somewhat hyperactive - both in action and in reading. It might explain a lot.


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## UnicornCupcake

turnera said:


> You have misunderstood nearly every one of my posts.
> 
> I asked if YOU had tried a hobby that YOU do while you sit on the couch. I finished quite a lot of needlepoint etc. projects while watching tv with my husband. He was busy vegging out in front of the tv. I was busy keeping him company while indulging in a bunch of projects I tried out.
> 
> Have you ever been checked for ADHD? It kind of seems like you are somewhat hyperactive - both in action and in reading. It might explain a lot.


I do my puzzles on the dining room table in the open concept living/dining area so I casually watch what he's watching while I'm doing that. I prefer to read without a TV near me. I never struggled in school or anything like that and as far as attention span goes I've never had trouble. I don't think that's an issue. I think I'm a young, attractive and energetic woman who will watch TV when I'm old fat and lazy. That time will come soon enough I don't want to live like that right NOW.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

UnicornCupcake said:


> I think I'm a young, attractive and energetic woman who will watch TV when I'm old fat and lazy.



Or not even then. Activity beats inactivity even when old; especially when old for that matter! Growing old may be mandatory, but getting fat and lazy is optional.


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## UnicornCupcake

Right? I doubt I'll ever "end" up like that which is why I approach that lifestyle with such hostility. One of my biggest fears as a wife is to just Netflix and chill until the day I %*#&% die, . 

Things are getting better and we've been making and keeping plans so I have less and less to panic about. I think I just panicked coming out of the winter/spring season and thought that I'd already seen what my day-to-day life was looking like.


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## bell

Don't skip your anniversary, it is coming up to 1 year?! I believe you can work on the communication issues and small talk. You mention food and dinner and where you guys like to sit at dinner, why not start small and have a conversation about grocery shopping and meal plan together, maybe try cooking together. Sit wherever you want to. If you want a hobby or friends go for it.


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## turnera

UnicornCupcake said:


> . I think I'm a young, attractive and energetic woman who will watch TV when I'm old fat and lazy. That time will come soon enough I don't want to live like that right NOW.


Then divorce your husband and let him find someone he's compatible with.


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## jld

turnera said:


> Then divorce your husband and let him find someone he's compatible with.


Now is the time to do it, OP, before any kids come along.


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## jld

Are you transparent with him, OP? 

Does he know you are here on TAM, for example? Have you asked him to read all your posts?

If not, why not?


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## toblerone

UnicornCupcake said:


> Guys, I can't express this enough:
> MY HUSBAND HAS NO HOBBIES AND NO INTEREST AND NO DESIRE TO PICK UP ANY HOBBIES OR PURSUE ANY INTERESTS. (Apart from projects which I'll explain...)


To which she goes on to explain that he likes to play soccer and goes into depth about how he likes to do projects around the house.



> that I think will help *him* feel more fulfilled is house projects.


Bolded for emphasis. There's nothing here indicating he is looking for fulfillment anywhere, he seems to be pretty happy. So you're looking to give him more stuff to do around the house to make _you_ happier (that he's doing something).



> Every couple of months he'll ask my mom if she has anything around the house she'd like him to do and he'll do it. (He keeps asking her when she thinks she'll be ready to renovate her bathroom so he can do it.)


"Hey Ma, got anything you need to be done outside the house? My wife wants to go to an all day Hot Yoga and Speed Hiking event 2 hours away from where we live. And, she's really excited about trying the sunflower seed tofu and prune juice cocktails at the new bistro around the corner"


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## MartinBeck

UnicornCupcake said:


> He went to work today and he said it's because he wanted to give me my space



I suspect he may be going in to work on the weekend to get away from you. Honestly you sound exhausting and frequently critical of him, and I suspect he feels a bit under attack when he's at home.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Interesting. 

You do realize fix-it projects are hobbies to some men?
I have a friend who builds his son the most AMAZING costumes and takes him to conventions. I'm talking transformer type Power Rangers builds which are hand made.

Unless he is a professional or semi-professional player, you do understand soccer is a hobby as well?
My friend is turning 50 and he is in better shape than many people half his age.

So, I'm going to assume you meant video game because if he does "play soccer" in the way it sounds, I have no clue why lounging bothers you. Have you ever watched him play, if it isn't video games?


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## UnicornCupcake

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Interesting.
> 
> You do realize fix-it projects are hobbies to some men?
> I have a friend who builds his son the most AMAZING costumes and takes him to conventions. I'm talking transformer type Power Rangers builds which are hand made.
> 
> Unless he is a professional or semi-professional player, you do understand soccer is a hobby as well?
> My friend is turning 50 and he is in better shape than many people half his age.
> 
> So, I'm going to assume you meant video game because if he does "play soccer" in the way it sounds, I have no clue why lounging bothers you. Have you ever watched him play, if it isn't video games?


Honestly.
DUH.
Of course fix-it projects are a hobby, but when you live in an APARTMENT those projects are once (maybe twice) per year - not exactly a sustaining past time.
He does play semi-professionally. We both do, although he plays at a higher (paying) level. (Farm team for MLS.) So I get this sport on a level most others won't, but it can't be all that connects us. It can't be all he does. (He plans to "retire" when we own a home though so he can focus on projects which is why I've said I'm confident owning a home will be good for us.) 
I'm just over our current lifestyle. It's been the same for the last 4 years. I'mr eady to just evolve.


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## turnera

What have you done to change things? Without telling him he's the problem?


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## Mr. Nail

Let's explore projects. You brought up a bathroom remodel. That could involve demolition, framing, plumbing, electrical, tile and planing, and problem solving. Plumbing could include the skills needed to build a copper wind chime. Tile could be included in custom furniture, or furniture restoration. Are you willing to put money into these kinds of projects? Do you see then as just more time away from you? My work is construction and woodworking. My hobbies are Hiking, leathercraft, knot tying, and my old hobby of reading. Even with all of that I managed to squeeze in a net flix movie last night. My Wife has consented to hike with me. Do you think we don't have enough to connect? 

As a side note, Whenever I read a comment from a woman using words like evolve, expand or growth, it seems to be code for I need a new relationship. Is this really where you are? Because if it is, you can save him a lot of nagging and grief, by just breaking up.


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## Warrior73

aine said:


> Wow you are both far to young and recently married to settle into this kind of rut. I think he was always quiet and dull you kept the engine going, now you are beginning to think it is hard work and the novelty has run out.
> 
> I do think you are placing too much responsibility on him for your happiness. If you want counselling, go alone, do your own thing. Read Co-dependent No more, be your own person, own friends, money, activities, etc.
> I have always been independent then had kids etc and only when they got older wanted that kind of closer relationship with my H but he just wasn't available emotionally and even physically (except for sex). I learned the hard way that you can make yourself miserable having expectations of your spouse that you know he will not meet. Become happy as a person in your own right, you never know if he sees you having fun and being confident etc he may want to join in.
> 
> About the sex, maybe you shouldn't give it to as often as he wants, think about it, he has the best of all worlds, he doesn't meet your needs, gets sex on tap, gets fed, what incentive does he have to change? None. If he moans about it, tell him 'what is good for the gander is good for the goose and its a two way street."


I agreed with you right up to the point where you mentioned sex...sex should never be withheld to punish...If my wife did that to me it would piss me off and put a lot of distance between us. I simply won't tolerate being treated that way.


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## Warrior73

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> So he needs you to be around him all the time ... but you also say he's drifted apart from you.
> In the mean time, you've made it clear you'd rather watch TV alone and even sleep alone. Might such knowledge not drive a partner away, and to crankiness and critical behavior?
> 
> I've seen this time and time again with low-key passive guys, who always seem to marry more high energy, demanding women. It works fine during the courtship phase when the two personalities are complimentary with one making most of the decisions and the other happily acquiescing. But at some point, the woman wakes up and realizes she's carrying the weight and her man is, for lack of better wording, not being a man. Then the problems start. It is a common dynamic and a very hard one to overcome.
> 
> It can be positively maddening to get these men to understand. It's not just that they don't want to put forth the effort, they don't even see in the first place what needs to be done, even if it's staring them right in the face. Nothing gets through... until the breakup, and then they're completely crushed, often beyond recovery.
> 
> The women in this situation seem oblivious to the fact that they got exactly what they were dating, and are understandably angered when they realize that it's just not so much fun in an actual marriage where both need to carry their share of the emotional weight.
> 
> More often than not, these mismatches end in divorce (usually preceded by infidelity on the woman's part as she loses any and all attraction to her man). This is a classic case of serious need for marriage counseling, and not just any counseling, but with someone familiar with this dynamic. The fact is that getting through to this man can be next to impossible, and unfortunately the wife usually isn't the best one to do it, at least no on her own.
> 
> It is possible that this man may never be what you want. I hope that's not the case, but it'll take real work on both your parts to find out. I wish you the best.


So, because he's not behaving the way she thinks he should, he is not being a man??? Biggest BS I ever heard. He is who he is and that is who she married. Let's also not forget that we are only getting one side of this...her side. His assessment of the situation could be much different.


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## Warrior73

sokillme said:


> Some of this may very well be your husband but some of this may be you. What do you do? So you're passionate, about what, just conversation? Why does your husband have to be your only source of passion? Why do you look to your husband to fulfill all these needs? Do you work? Do you have hobbies? Frankly no spouse should be a responsible for fulfilling all their passions. It's too much. Some if this sounds like you saying you need more attention. Again there is nothing wrong with that to a point. What do you get fulfillment out of besides that though?
> 
> When you say you are passionate I think of people who paint, or write music, or stories. Learn skills, read and teach themselves stuff. Volunteer, build careers, they don't look to others to fulfill them. I see also see lots of spouses complain about there partners like this though, then they end up cheating. Most of the time the problem was the cheater who never had the balls to do anything for themselves to make themselves happy but just expected their partners to do it. They think life is like a romance novel. Life is what YOU make of it. In the end they think the person they have the affair would make them happy, but again that person can only do so much. You are responsible for you own happiness. Your husband can contribute but it's not his job. His job is to love and support you, not fulfill you.
> 
> Now if your husband is ignoring you and is passive and selfish by all means hold his feet to the fire, divorce him if you must, but if you are just bored then find something to really be passionate about. Your marriage isn't going to make you happily ever after even if you were married to Elon Musk, that's not how it works. Elon Musk is busy being passionate about Elon Musk, he doesn't have time to be his wife's source of happiness and excitement. Presumably she is doing that for herself.


"They think life is like a romance novel." 
You hit the nail on the head, my friend. This is part of the problem many women have...they think marriage is supposed to be like the fairytales, the romance novels, and the 3rd wave feminist crap "you can have it all" spouted by the media and become dissatisfied when their husbands don't live up to the fantasy world BS. Real life is hard...marriage is hard. If you don't get that you shouldn't be married.


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## chillymorn69

Warrior73 said:


> "They think life is like a romance novel."
> You hit the nail on the head, my friend. This is part of the problem many women have...they think marriage is supposed to be like the fairytales, the romance novels, and the 3rd wave feminist crap "you can have it all" spouted by the media and become dissatisfied when their husbands don't live up to the fantasy world BS. Real life is hard...marriage is hard. If you don't get that you shouldn't be married.


Agreeded!


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## bandit.45

Warrior73 said:


> "They think life is like a romance novel."
> You hit the nail on the head, my friend. This is part of the problem many women have...they think marriage is supposed to be like the fairytales, the romance novels, and the 3rd wave feminist crap "you can have it all" spouted by the media and become dissatisfied when their husbands don't live up to the fantasy world BS. Real life is hard...marriage is hard. If you don't get that you shouldn't be married.


QFT


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## hazel55

Warrior73 said:


> "They think life is like a romance novel."
> You hit the nail on the head, my friend. This is part of the problem many women have...they think marriage is supposed to be like the fairytales, the romance novels, and the 3rd wave feminist crap "you can have it all" spouted by the media and become dissatisfied when their husbands don't live up to the fantasy world BS. Real life is hard...marriage is hard. If you don't get that you shouldn't be married.



To a certain part I agree. But in a way, you can go too far over to the other side. Marriage should not just be a slog through tough times. There should be some fun and romance in there; otherwise why get married? I did not expect it to be fun and happily ever after all the time. But I did think regular sex, fun, laughter should be a part of a loving marriage.


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## MattMatt

Zombie thread. Closed for further replies.


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