# The Sound of Silence



## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

OK, it seems R is coming undone because I am too upset. Came home on Friday night and he was complaining about all the side effects of his meds and how they are aggravating his other physical problems. 

So he announces he's going to stop taking them (anti-depressants). This scared me because I don't want to deal with the awful side effects of stopping those abruptly------you have to taper off, call your doctor, etc. IMO

This also scares me because I know he was doing lots of porn and cyber before he broke the hard drive (when I found out 8 wks ago). Sooooo......the dopamine levels are haywire in him ----the "sluggish reward circuitry" in the brain that happens after these kind of binge behaviors.

So I told him all this and more but my point was lost in the delivery, because I was so upset, as per usual, because I am tired of thinking about all this and have been having anxiety attacks ever since I found cybersex sessions on his computer. 

Once again, he told me I had been "b!tching him out" for an hour. That I've done that ever since he met me. That he was fine when he got home. That he was looking forward to a nice weekend and I ruined it. ----Then he started the silent treatment! 

I honestly am enjoying it this time. Not having to hear him blame me is so incredibly wonderful. I think this is a bad sign for R but a good sign for me! I am usually so hurt when he doesn't talk but now I am happy. Does this mean its finally over?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

It could. It could also mean that you're just taking ownership of your own happiness and are getting less dependent on him. Either way it sounds like good progress.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> It could. It could also mean that you're just taking ownership of your own happiness and are getting less dependent on him. Either way it sounds like good progress.


Yes, I was thinking that, too. Maybe its a good sign for R AND a good sign for me. 

Either way, its loads better that unhappiness.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

It may mean that you are taking control of yourself. You have to realize that others are not responsible for your happiness. That lies within you. In the Bhuddist tradition, detachment is the key to happiness. Not to be interpreted as nonloving, but as a secure sense of self not dependent on others for your emotional health. If you're interested in this point of view, look at some of David Richo's works.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey lost---keep on standing up for yourself---if fact get in his face and tell him TUFF SH*T---you don't like it get a D.------put it back on him, and keep on putting it back on him

Half this crap with/about meds---is for sh*t anyway----many of these meds given out don't do anybody any good


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I am there right now (silence). Partly my fault for what I said to her last night. I apologized. I left home at 5:30 A.M. this morning to come to work at 10. I come home on weekends as I live and work in another city. She was up as she starts a new job today and I did not say anything and left.

But part of what cause this latest flap is what she said. 

I told her a bunch of things in two long texts this morning but the bottom line I told her is that you caused these new behaviors in me because of what you did. I was not like this before and I said you alone have caused this.

I do not know what else to call these but set backs. To me it does not derail R but they are not fun. I also lost it in the delievery and honestly that is partly our fault (IMO). I can't help it at times and it does me no good nor her when I get angry, even if it needs to be said, the delivery can make us the bad guy.

Just my thoughts. I going through some of the same crap as you.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

river rat said:


> It may mean that you are taking control of yourself. You have to realize that others are not responsible for your happiness. That lies within you. In the Bhuddist tradition, detachment is the key to happiness. Not to be interpreted as nonloving, but as a secure sense of self not dependent on others for your emotional health. If you're interested in this point of view, look at some of David Richo's works.


Thanks RR! I have been doing sitting meditation for a long time now, and I agree. You know its easy to be calm when there is no conflict, but I think my zen practice has finally spilled over into my relationship in a healthy way. Before, I accepted lots without standing up because peace was so important to me.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Hey lost---keep on standing up for yourself---if fact get in his face and tell him TUFF SH*T---you don't like it get a D.------put it back on him, and keep on putting it back on him
> 
> Half this crap with/about meds---is for sh*t anyway----many of these meds given out don't do anybody any good


I am very reticent to trust big pharma, jnj --- you are right about those meds for sure, they only help some people, and the side effects are horrible...... I posted some concerns before.....seems like lots of BS and or WS are on them, or have been offered them by their doctors.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

silence of yours should be more potent than his!

Stay further focussed on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> I am there right now (silence). Partly my fault for what I said to her last night. I apologized. I left home at 5:30 A.M. this morning to come to work at 10. I come home on weekends as I live and work in another city. She was up as she starts a new job today and I did not say anything and left.
> 
> But part of what cause this latest flap is what she said.
> 
> ...


Yeah Thor.... The delivery makes us the bad guy! That is it EXACTLY. 

But still, we are holding them responsible for how we are feeling. Of course it is their fault for the betrayal! 

But in the end, I want my life back somehow, so he's not responsible, I am. I believe this can be done and keep the M, when I can finally achieve emotional independence. Only, I don't know if my M will survive when I get there.

I just stopped waiting for him to act a certain way for me to be OK. I am OK right now. But the R is stasis. Its a beautiful day and I have never been so happy getting the silent treatment before! No more uncomfortable small talk or arguments.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> silence of yours should be more potent than his!
> 
> Stay further focussed on you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because he is the one who usually dishes it out, with me still talking, upset. He'll just stop talking in the middle of a conversation, so naturally I am the one who keeps trying.

When I finally ask, in exasperation, what I can do to make it work (the talk we're having) he says, "Nothing. We need to stop talking. "

This used to send me into a tailspin. Now I am doing just that, not talking either. This is the 3 rd day.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Maybe its because HE has been my trigger lately.....And when we don't talk I don't get triggered .....He stayed home from work today and has been in bed all day--not one word. I would hate to think he stayed home just to give me the silent treatment....

Oh, well, in any case, I am finding peace and joy in the silence as never before


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Maybe its because HE has been my trigger lately.....And when we don't talk I don't get triggered .....He stayed home from work today and has been in bed all day--not one word. I would hate to think he stayed home just to give me the silent treatment....
> 
> Oh, well, in any case, I am finding peace and joy in the silence as never before


The only appropriate response to this behavior that I can think of would be to go out, have an ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL day going to the library, the coffeeshop, the little place where they make essential oil soaps, the museum, the rose garden...and then take yourself out to dinner. Do this in order to enjoy YOU and the day you've been given. If he wants to be a stick in the mud, he is free to choose that...Let him stew


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