# no trust no respect, no love?



## FLORES12CARO21 (Sep 14, 2010)

Hi. I'm new. 
Im 19 and 5 months pregnant with my 21 yr old boyfriend who I've known since middle school but have been dating for 9 months.
But please don't judge. Were both in love. Hes a great man. Although we argue everyday, even for little things. I have learned to pick my battles and walk away from his little acts of disrespect to prevent a fight. But he continues. He doesnt respect me and has recently been questioning his trust for me. Witch is unbeleivable. Hes the first to have me absoloutley to himself. 
My question.......... He verbally disrespects me constantly. what more can i do besides not add a flame to his fire for his to stop.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

You ask us not to judge, but then ask us to help you get him to stop verbally abusing you. Kind of hard to do both. 

But...to get him to stop, you have to stand up for yourself. You have to tell him that you won't be spoken to that way, and you have to do that every time he does it. 

If he doesn't stop, then you either have to decide to live with it or leave. 

One thing I notice is that you say it's unbelievable that he's questioning his trust for you because he's the first to have you to himself. I read this as saying you have cheated on all your past boyfriends? If so, then it is not so unbelievable that he might have doubts whether he can trust you, and while that does not excuse the verbal abuse, it would tell me that you need to work on showing him you've changed in that regard.


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## FLORES12CARO21 (Sep 14, 2010)

that was fast!!
thnks!

I should have wrote that better. Usually when i say im 19 years old n got pregnant after dating a man for four months people judge me for that. My baby is not a mistake.
But i tried it! I told him i couldn't be with a person like that. We made up and hopefully this time he makes an effort to stop.

About the trust issue part, He is the first to change my old ways. I have tried many things like stop talking to guys including my ex-best friends, erased my myspace, chek in with him everywhere I go n such. If theres anything else to do. Please let me know.

thanks for ur help!!!


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

it could be a territorial thing because he feels that your having "his" baby and would like no other outside source to negatively interject the relationship. but as for the verbal abuse and mean things he says it is abusive in that he wants to also suppress you. it's good that the both of you talked and so far you can see the outcome if he chooses to change it because you made him aware.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Flores, I believe TruckersGirl was asking you whether his distrust is warranted (due to your cheating on others perhaps) or, rather, whether he simply has difficulty trusting everyone. Your response (i.e., that he was the first to change your "old ways") is very unclear. Were those "old ways" a habit of cheating on all your BFs or, instead, merely a habit of being friendly and talking with whomever you wanted to?

Providing some other background information also would be helpful. Specifically, does he seem to be a jealous person in general? Does he have a strong fear of abandonment? Was he abused or abandoned in early childhood? Does he have difficulty handling intimacy (not sex but, rather, true intimacy)? Does he tend to do all-or-nothing thinking where he classifies everyone as all good or all bad? When he is verbally abusive, just how mean does he usually get? Does he regard himself as being a victim, always blaming you for everything that goes wrong? Do you often have the feeling you are walking on eggshells to avoid triggering his anger?


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## Quicksand (Sep 20, 2010)

FLORES12CARO21 said:


> I have tried many things like stop talking to guys including my ex-best friends, erased my myspace, chek in with him everywhere I go n such. If theres anything else to do. Please let me know.


No male friends and check in with him everywhere you go.
Not a recipe for success. Either 
A: 
He doesn't trust you because you cheated on him - he never will trust you again and this won't work.
Or 
B:
He doesn't trust you because he's cheating on you.

There is no C.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

I don't agree with Quicksand. At 19 and 21 lots of things could be fueling distrust: Not ready for this level of commitment, disparity in sexual "experience", normal insecurity, etc...

If there is or has been cheating, we need to know to give better advice. If there ISN'T cheating, then it may be communication. At your age, it's hard to learn communication skills. The best tip is to not use the word "you" in any fight. Use, "I feel..." It keeps things from being a battle of egos.

For example, he says "You're a slob / you're a **** / whatever..." Don't take the bait, instead say, "I feel very hurt and disrespected when I'm called x."

Make sense? First step is to diffuse the battles.


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## Quicksand (Sep 20, 2010)

seeking sanity said:


> I don't agree with Quicksand. At 19 and 21 lots of things could be fueling distrust:


No, seeking sanity, not "distrust". She can have *no male friends* and *can't go anywhere* without checking in with him.
That is not behavior fitting an American. If I'm mistaken, and she's living in Saudi Arabia, then my apologies. It's perfectly normal(even downright liberal).


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Oops, I don't read that part. Thx for pointing it out Quicksand.

His insecurity does seem a bit extreme. Maybe read some posts for older people. Realistically, this sh*t doesn't get easier or better. Most of us have many many years and children invested in our spouses that motivates us to tolerate and work thru a hell of a lot more than we'd be willing to work thru for a 9 month long relationship. 

Ignore my previous advice. I was being romantic. Get the hell out. It's not worth the grief in the long run.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

FLORES12CARO21, where is your mother and have you told her about this?

Read your first post again and see how many times you stated he disrespects you. And look at how many different ways you have modified your behavior to suit him, to try to avoid his wrath, and to try to reassure him. I have NOOOO idea where these other posters are coming from because #1 there is *never any reason at all* for a woman to be made to feel this kind of behavior - disrespect and abuse - is her fault, and #2 there is no advice to give her except to leave. Please leave immediately. All this ridiculous analyzing your actions to justify the way he treats you is bull crap.

Tell your mother how he treats you. Any mother worth half her salt will do everything in her power to get her daughter out of that environment. You are young and do not understand what is going on. You are busy trying to come up with ways to make him stop and make him happy, but you are becoming his slave and you are already his victim.

And stop calling him "a great man." He abuses you. There is nothing great about that. Every abused woman says how great her abuser is. "He's a wonderful man except........" Those exceptions are the reason he is NOT wonderful.

I know you do not agree with me because you simply don't see him this way. Like I said, you are young and don't realize what is happening. You don't yet know you are not to tolerate this kind of treatment. You don't yet know you are not to try to figure him out. You don't yet know you are not to try modify yourself and your behaviors in effort to placate him and to try to prevent future outbursts.

There are lots of articles on the internet you can find to educate yourself on verbal abuse and verbally abusive men. Here is one of them. Please read it. Please leave. And then get counseling to help you repair the damage he has done. He is destroying your self esteem and you need to get it back.

I know you are pregnant, and that is all the more reason you don't want to leave him. Don't allow that to be your excuse not to leave. I have no doubt you have heard about many women in your life or on TV who are beaten by their boyfriend or husband. Haven't you ever wondered why they don't leave? Haven't you ever wondered why they put up with it? They come up with all kinds of excuses not to leave him. You ARE those women. You are abused just like they are abused. You don't want to leave just like they don't want to leave. Physical/violent abuse is just one kind of abuse. Verbal abuse is another kind of abuse. And there are other kinds. I know you love him.

I know you do not want to leave, but you have to leave. Even if you only leave for a temporary period of time and require that he get help before you will come back. If you don't want to end your marriage, then just leave and tell him he has to get counseling or you will never return. And do not go back until he attends many sessions and shows he is committed to continuing. The moment he makes up some reason for not attending a session, you will know you cannot go back.

Please do not force your child to grow up in this kind of environment. If your baby is a boy, you will be teaching him this is the way women should be treated. He will grow up to abuse his girlfriends/wife because you allow your husband to abuse you.

If your baby is a girl, you will be teaching her this is the way women should be treated. She will grow up allowing her boyfriends/husband to abuse her because you gave her that example. Leave this abusive man and go back to school to better your life and your child's life.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

seeking sanity said:


> His insecurity does seem a bit extreme. Maybe read some posts for older people. Realistically, this sh*t doesn't get easier or better. Most of us have many many years and children invested in our spouses that motivates us to tolerate and work thru a hell of a lot more than we'd be willing to work thru for a 9 month long relationship.
> 
> Ignore my previous advice.


FLORES12CARO21, this is a prime example. Like I said, abused women always come up with all kinds of excuses not to leave. But there are no number of children and no number of years that justify staying for mistreatment, disrespect, or any other kinds of abuse.


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