# Mom is jealous of my in-laws???



## Soontobemrsgreen (Jul 8, 2015)

So I got engaged about 2 months ago to my boyfriend of 3 years. I still live with my parents and he with his, as to save money for the wedding and everything else. (We have recently started looking into moving out soon though) Lots has changed but nothing in the sense of where we spend our time. Lately my mom has gotten so weird and mean when I don't come straight home after work. (I work two full time jobs and go to college too) so I feel like if I want to stop and talk to my soon to be in-laws after work for an hour or two, then I deserve it. I pay my own bills, I pay her rent, I buy everything for myself, and even cook my own meals most nights. And she still refuses to treat me like an adult. We had a 4th of July party at my in laws last weekend and my mom slapped me in front of everyone because I was joking around with my sister in law and my mother didn't like what we were saying... But also if I stay with my fiance and his family too much my mom goes crazy about how I'm always with "those people" and she'll throw in my face all that she has done for me in the past and be like "but what have they done for you". It's really annoying because I get along so well with his family, better than my own, though I would never tell my parents that. My MIL is so much easier to talk to and more supportive than my mom and my mom gets pissed when I talk to my in laws more than her. What can I do about that...without completely ruining my relationship with her?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Sounds like your mother is having a difficult time accepting the reality that you are now an adult and soon to leave home and she is expressing it in the ways you describe. She may be feeling abandoned and resent the way you seem to be getting along so well with your soon-to-be in-laws. You mentioned you live with parents so I assume your father is in the picture. Does he act similar to your mother. If he seems more understanding perhaps you can talk to him about this to find some resolution. I assume you would like to resolve these difficulties. There may be other issues at play here but based on what you have shared it seems to me these actions of your mother may be based on the inevitable changes she sees coming as you start on a new life.


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## Soontobemrsgreen (Jul 8, 2015)

Well he's my step dad, but he doesn't really talk to me about anything. He only speaks to me when he's angry at me and he's usually mad because I've "hurt my moms feelings" by being around my soon to be in laws. It's so difficult to be happy about all the good things going on when I have a constant nag telling me how awful I am and how terrible my choices are. But then she will turn around and say that she loves my fiancé and his family? So so so confusing. And not to mention stressful.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Your mom might be feeling threatened about losing you to your "new mom." (Your future MIL) I'd find ways to remind her you'll always only have one mom--her. And you still will always need her. Even if you don't totally mean it!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

OP--the relationship with your mom and stepfather sounds toxic, IMHO. Your stepfather only speaks to you when he's angry, and your mother slapped you in front of everyone at a party? That's unacceptable, even for a parent who's having a hard time accepting that their child is growing up and moving out. I mean, if THIS is weird, what has your relationship with them like before you got engaged? Can you tell us more about that? How is her relationship with your sister?

You might want to move out earlier than planned. And maybe talk to your future MIL about this situation. You need some in-person support, and it sounds like your in-laws care for you a great deal.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Your mom might be feeling threatened about losing you to your "new mom." (Your future MIL) I'd find ways to remind her you'll always only have one mom--her. And you still will always need her. Even if you don't totally mean it!


Oddly enough, it seems to me that this type of behavior is usually manifested in women who aren't particularly good or adequate mothers--almost like they're scared their kid will realize that they're not a good mom and will abandon them. Of course, some children do abandon when they find a more nurturing maternal surrogate, and with good reason. 

Good mothers who have a secure attachment with their children aren't threatened by other [positive] people in their child's life.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You tell your so-called mother that if she ever lays a hand on you again, that her azz will be going to jail. I would seriously reconsider having this controlling, drama queen at your wedding. Hell, if I were your fiance I would reconsider marrying into your family. Don't let her babysit your children.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> Oddly enough, it seems to me that this type of behavior is usually manifested in women who aren't particularly good or adequate mothers--almost like they're scared their kid will realize that they're not a good mom and will abandon them. Of course, some children do abandon when they find a more nurturing maternal surrogate, and with good reason.
> 
> Good mothers who have a secure attachment with their children aren't threatened by other [positive] people in their child's life.


Very true. And from the sounds of things, she has reason to feel this way.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Soontobemrsgreen said:


> I pay her rent...


Why? 



Soontobemrsgreen said:


> We had a 4th of July party at my in laws last weekend and my mom slapped me in front of everyone because I was joking around with my sister in law and my mother didn't like what we were saying...


This is incredibly childish and over the top behavior, unless you were blatantly insulting her. 

She sounds very dependant upon you and you're soon going to have your own life. Be wary that she does have a point about spending too much time with your SO's family, that is why you must do your best to balance your time with each family... and set the boundary that you will not accept her rude behavior under any circumstances when you're doing your best to include both families. Then you follow through if she breaks your boundaries.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

@Satya, I think OP meant she pays her mother some rent in exchange for living there. She's not freeloading.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many hours a week do you spend on your education? 


What were you saying to your SIL that provoked your mom to slap you?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> @Satya, I think OP meant she pays her mother some rent in exchange for living there. She's not freeloading.


Yeah, you're right. I see how I misinterpreted that one!


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

OP has your mother always acted this way towards you or has it been since the engagement or some other event in your lives? is she the kind of person with a short fuse and hard to get along with just you or with people in general? Are there other stresses in the family - financial or some other pressures? Just feels like there is something missing.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My ex-DIL's mom and step-mom were jealous of her relationship with me (and thrilled when it ended). That's not uncommon. If you think you have problems with that now, they will likely pale in comparison to the ones you have after you're married. They tend to escalate. But you have bigger issues than a jealous mom. Speaking as someone who got my share of slaps as a child, I cannot imagine an adult child tolerating being slapped. Especially in front of your inlaws. Unless it was just a slight, playful tap. Was it?


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## Soontobemrsgreen (Jul 8, 2015)

Okay so I was talking to my SIL about her tattoo and it's one that can be one word if you look at it one way and another word if you look at it upside down. So I asked why she got that because no one is gonna be hanging upside down and she said only an idiot would hang upside down like that and I said yeah an idiot like you then we laughed about that and that's when I was slapped. She has always been this way just not as extreme. In the past she has overreacted to things such as "being out too much" when I was just at practice. She just has problems and I don't want to have to be the mediator for her issues anymore.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Yeah, your mom's reaction to that was way over the top.


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