# Am I reading too far into this?



## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

My husband and I have been struggling off and on since the start of our marriage, but the last 6 months have caused us to nosedive. Without getting into those details I did cave and agree to a trial in-home separation (this is easy with his work schedule) and counseling to see if we can recover what is damaged.

However, I stumbled upon something else concerning today. I know I feel a heightened sense of frustration and need to just get through the holidays, but now I have a new suspicion.

There have been a few situations during our marriage where I have questioned his behavior towards other women. He does not hide his phone, doesn't delete texts, etc. Any conflicts on that front ends with him yelling "look through my phone if you have an issue", blah blah blah. So that doesn't strike me as the behavior of a cheater. Ive gotten upset with him regarding boundaries (he was venting to female coworkers about our marriage) and how that made me feel uncomfortable.

Today I was randomly reading things on our neighborhood Facebook group and this woman pops up. I read her post, creeped on her profile (I creep on everyone because why not), and then went onto the next post. We have 0 mutual friends on FB. I swap over to Instagram and she pops up as someone I should follow and I see my husband listed as a follower. What the hell? She is beautiful. Is this my frustration within the marriage talking or should I be concerned that he is connecting with random women in our neighborhood? Or is this just an issue since I am already reeling/feeling crazy? I just dont understand this as I would never go out of my way to befriend some random guy in our neighborhood and never mention it to my husband. To add additional context, he deleted everything from this platform a few years ago for his "job". It just feels weird and fishy. 

Is this even worth bringing up or should I just go through the motions with the counseling?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

If it doesn’t strike you as on the up and up then trust what your gut is telling you. I wouldn’t confront him, but I would start information gathering were I you, on the down low. If you have access to his phone then look through it when he isn’t there. Many have suggested voice activated recorders hidden in their vehicle, I would have hit the jackpot if I’d known to do that... some people hire private investigators.

You also need to think about your end game. Does he seem invested or is he slowly trying to invest himself elsewhere? What will you do if you find out he IS cheating...read some threads here on what to do when you find out so you don’t fumble around like most of us do. The better laid out your plan the better your advantage.

Im sure other people will give you better and more detailed advice, there is some really good stuff on here if you have the time to read up on some past threads in the mean time.

Sorry you’re here.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@moulinyx have you begun the counselling?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

moulinyx said:


> He does not hide his phone, doesn't delete texts, etc. Any conflicts on that front ends with him yelling "look through my phone if you have an issue", blah blah blah. So that doesn't strike me as the behavior of a cheater.


That is *SUCH* naive thinking. "Since he's so agreeable about letting me look at his phone, he MUST be innocent." That'll get the rug ripped out right from underneath you.

It's very possible he either has a burner phone or he uses a 3rd party app (KiK, What'sApp, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.) to contact others that you wouldn't even know he HAS on his phone, much less be able to find the evidence of any misdeeds. Come on, OP. Just because there isn't glaring evidence sitting in his texting inbox or in his call history doesn't mean he's not doing anything. The first rule that any cheater will tell you is to get a burner phone and that way, you can leave you phone laying all over the house and be above any suspicion. That's just SOP.

*



To add additional context, he deleted everything from this platform a few years ago for his "job". It just feels weird and fishy.

Click to expand...

*I'll just bet he did. My bull-**** meter is going off.

*



Is this even worth bringing up or should I just go through the motions with the counseling?

Click to expand...

*What do you expect some therapist to do? Magically take away his desire to continually hunt for strange because he's got an itch? Ain't happening. Either he's a man with integrity or he's *NOT* a man with integrity.

From what I've read, he's the latter.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

A tech question here: How can you tell someone is deleting text on their phone. I've been doing to avoid paying for cloud storage and I don't see a foot print.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

moulinyx said:


> Is this even worth bringing up or should I just go through the motions with the counseling?


If you are only going "through the motions" with counseling, I'd advise you not bother bringing it up. In fact, I wouldn't even bother with counseling. Seriously.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Thank you all for responding. I was partially expecting to be attacked and deemed insane so I appreciate the grace since I know this really is a stretch. Things just feel so off and my gut tells me I need to dig. 

I did end up bringing it up today. He was calm, confused (seemingly), and told me he doesn't have an answer. I still do not feel fully satisfied but he knows I am onto him if something weird is going on. He begged me to look through his phone, said he would unfollow/block anyone I want, but that isn't the point. My issue is that I even have these feelings in the first place. I shouldn't care about who he interacts with and should be able to trust him without a doubt, but I don't due to the other holes in our marriage. Though cheating has not been an issue, trust is till broken from a lack of respect, emotional disconnect, and lack of intimacy. 



QuietRiot said:


> If it doesn’t strike you as on the up and up then trust what your gut is telling you. I wouldn’t confront him, but I would start information gathering were I you, on the down low. If you have access to his phone then look through it when he isn’t there. Many have suggested voice activated recorders hidden in their vehicle, I would have hit the jackpot if I’d known to do that... some people hire private investigators.
> 
> Sorry you’re here.


While I totally agree the VAR system would catch anything weird, I just dont care enough to play detective. If I cant trust him and I start turning into an undercover spy, the marriage isn't worth saving. I get some people have a need to know but I just dont. There's already enough for me to write it off as a loss. 



She'sStillGotIt said:


> That is *SUCH* naive thinking. "Since he's so agreeable about letting me look at his phone, he MUST be innocent." That'll get the rug ripped out right from underneath you.
> 
> It's very possible he either has a burner phone or he uses a 3rd party app (KiK, What'sApp, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.) to contact others that you wouldn't even know he HAS on his phone, much less be able to find the evidence of any misdeeds. Come on, OP. Just because there isn't glaring evidence sitting in his texting inbox or in his call history doesn't mean he's not doing anything. The first rule that any cheater will tell you is to get a burner phone and that way, you can leave you phone laying all over the house and be above any suspicion. That's just SOP.
> 
> ...


You are very right. I just hate that this is so trivial and dumb! His response today was offering to post a family picture. I told him to go for it and stop being an anonymous creep on social media. As I said at the top of my post today, he played the dumb/confused card when I asked about the neighbor. It doesn't add up.



Prodigal said:


> If you are only going "through the motions" with counseling, I'd advise you not bother bringing it up. In fact, I wouldn't even bother with counseling. Seriously.


Going through the motions probably wasn't the best description. I mean I am willing to agree to counseling, though for me I am utilizing it as a safe transition to something healthier and to lay down the groundwork to co-parent as a team. I do not think our relationship will be saved. 



MattMatt said:


> @moulinyx have you begun the counselling?


We are slated to begin with individual counseling this week along with restarting the love languages book. I want IC first so I feel like his anger will be under control before starting MC.


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