# What comments would you NOT forgive from your spouse?



## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

So everyone has arguements and some are nastier than others, but what are some things that your partner may have said that were soooo incredibly insulting that you will NOT forgive them?

I am a person who bites his tongue for just so long during an arguement, but then when I reach my boiling point there are a ton of disgusting and insulting things that come flying out!


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I guess it depends on the situation and whats going on with the person who said it. 

For example, my first wife who was a bad drug addict, would spout off hurtful things to me sometimes, of course most of the time she was under the influence of a drug or alcohol when she said those things. Sometimes I took it personally, sometimes I didn't. Either way, she is now my EX for many reasons. My current wife has never said anything hurtful to me that I can think of, nor I her. As far as not being able to forgive, if that were the case, I would probably need to just divorce if it was that bad.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

The thing that ended my marriage for sure.
He suggested divorce, again, as a solution for me opening up a discussion about some concerns I had, this was well after he was exposed for lying about OW and had asked for another chance (I was living in my own apartment, he was staying here...)
The suggestion of divorce was accepted by me, because I realized that I could not move back to his house uprooting my children once again, and then have him control every discussion about our relationship by 'suggesting' divorce. 
But that wasn't so unforgivable, just created a situation where I realized that he could not have a discussion, without using threats of various sorts.
What really ended it was when I agreed with him that divorce was a good idea. (I'd been planning to divorce him when he asked for another chance, not sure why my agreement came as a big surprise to him...)
He called me a b*tch, got mad at me for using HIS money to consult an attorney ($145, wow! He made 20K at least on deployment tax-free just from being married to me while he was cheating and lying...and it was in a joint account...) then he said to go back to my brother then. My brother raped me when I was an adolescent and I have not had any contact at all with my family since 1995 except to tell them that the letter requesting no contact sent by my attorney is old yet still enforceable as to restraining orders. He also was threatening suicide by car, and saying that he felt abused and telling me all sorts of things like he was forgetting stuff, etc. It seemed to me, and I'm usually right about these things, that he was reading up on signs and symptoms of abuse and going right through the checklist, trying to turn the tables and make it seem as though I was abusive to him. So I said to him, I don't want you to feel abused, you have your own house and as you suggest divorce, I think it is a good idea, since I am out of options as to how to make this work and unwilling to move back to your place if you are going to always suggest divorce as a solution to every issue that needs to be discussed after your cheating, lying, manipulation and oh, spousal rape. Yep, even after all that I gave him a second chance. And he thought it would be okay to suggest divorce, and when I accepted turned quite vicious. It made me glad I was in my own apartment. I said to him, I am taking the dog for a walk, when I get back you need to be gone with all of your things.

Go back to your brother then! It shed light on the entire relationship. He thought that because I was abused by my brothers and family, that he could continue to abuse me and that I would accept it. What an idiot. He really exposed himself with that one.

Pathetically, he tried to get me to go back, calling me a few days later to wish me a happy anniversary and emailing me that he loved me etc. Clearly he had no clue how FINAL "Go back to your brother then." was. In one short sentence he exposed his truly vicious nature and the underlying energy and thought process behind everything he did in the marriage to manipulate situations, my emotions, the things I prided myself on like loyalty and forgiveness, my desire to have a 'real' family. 

While it was vicious it was also a gift. When he realized his threat of divorce wasn't working (and I saw his eyes sizing me up as he suggested a divorce) I swear I could even see the devil in him. His whole face contorted when I accepted and agreed with his solution, and then those words came out of his mouth. Wooo-weeee. EX-Posed


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

trey69 said:


> I guess it depends on the situation and whats going on with the person who said it.
> 
> As far as not being able to forgive, if that were the case, I would probably need to just divorce if it was that bad.


:iagree:

Not being able to forgive and move past it will slowly kill your marriage.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> I am a person who bites his tongue for just so long during an arguement, but then when I reach my boiling point there are a ton of disgusting and insulting things that come flying out!


I'm sure you are aware those insults solve nothing and are not productive in helping a relationship move forward and be healthy. 

If you absolutely feel you can not help it, anger management might be good to look into, or some kind of counselor who can help you learn better communication skills than name calling.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

The person who suffers the most from not forgiving is the one who can't forgive. Holding it in creates resentment and internal pain. 

Forgiving is the greatest gift you can give yourself.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

One verbal grenade I can think of 
"I could do better."

Famous last words of a 6 month relationship that turned into a stalking situation for me when I went into NC. I was trying to let him down easliy by trying to be "just friends." that was before I understand going halfway gets you nowhere.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

During one of his drunken tirades my ex said to me at the conclusion of some stupid argument we were having..."My life would be so much better if you were dead". Those words were the beginning of the end for me even though it took another five years for me to get free.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

A few things stick out in my memory, but I'm at the point where I don't give a eff about stuff like that. During a heated argument, my W will spew the most hateful/personal thing she can think of. That's usually my signal to walk out of the room...the conversation is waaaay past done at that point.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

"Its YOUR fault I cheated on you"

After 5years of R. Guess it was a fake R since he still felt entitled to blame me for sleeping with a 40yr old wh0re. (I was 27 at the time)


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## rankinsmedic (Jun 18, 2012)

Here are some that I never could live down from my first wife...
1.) I can't wait to get a job so I can leave your butt!
2.) When I told her that I had contacted a counselor about my depression and suicidal thoughts, she said "that's so stupid. You're not depressed. You obviously need to go to church more. It's so stupid that you're so sad."

From my ex-fiancee...

1.) When asking why we aren't intimate or why we don't go out and enjoy each other: "You're throwing a f**king pity party!"


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

trey69 said:


> I guess it depends on the situation and whats going on with the person who said it.
> 
> For example, my first wife who was a bad drug addict, would spout off hurtful things to me sometimes, of course most of the time she was under the influence of a drug or alcohol when she said those things. Sometimes I took it personally, sometimes I didn't.* Either way, she is now my EX for many reasons. My current wife has never said anything hurtful to me that I can think of, nor I her. As far as not being able to forgive, if that were the case, I would probably need to just divorce if it was that bad.*


:iagree: If I couldn't forgive then it would mean I no longer trusted/respected them. Resentment would build on my end (and probably theirs as well). There could be no future.


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## rankinsmedic (Jun 18, 2012)

When she said to me, "If I wanted to cheat on you, I could." That was last week. That's still kinda bothering me. One time when we were on a "break" she fooled around with my best friend. They didn't have sex, but just him kissing her upset me.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I would forgive for nearly any comment because forgiveness is more about me than him. Forgiveness is so I can move on. It doesn't mean I think the comment is acceptable. I would forgive but I wouldn't forget. So there are comments that I couldn't put behind me no matter what. Those comments would be complete dealbreakers which would end the marriage. One example would be "I've had an affair."


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It's easy to forgive. His words were a gift to me. After he said them I quit waffling and filed for divorce.


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## As You Wish (Jun 5, 2012)

I forgave all of it up until I asked him, in the middle of an argument about his mother, where his loyalty was--with me or with her. He said "we'll see." 

Well, we did see, because the next morning I called a divorce lawyer.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Well don't hate me anyone and maybe I do have anger issues; but a couple of doosies that I said during recent nasty heated arguements were - "you're a mean evil witch with a black soul", and I said to her in a different arguement that - "you're a horrible freakin wife and a horrible person & I wish that I was married to somebody else"!!


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> Well don't hate me anyone and maybe I do have anger issues; but a couple of doosies that I said during recent nasty heated arguements were - "you're a mean evil witch with a black soul", and I said to her in a different arguement that - "you're a horrible freakin wife and a horrible person & I wish that I was married to somebody else"!!


Wow!

I've never heard my spouse say this to me. The last sentence would make me think twice about being married to him. If he said he wanted to be married to someone else, I'll set him free so he could.


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

'I cheated' would be it for me too.

I think over time if there was a repeated pattern of abuse then it would be a deal breaker for me too. A one off might hurt, make me angry but I could move past it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My ex said nasty things. Mean and cruel. I left him for many reasons, but that was one of them.

My husband has never said anything hurtful to me. Ever. I admire that in him. I was not always so kind, which is why he left me...but I changed that and for the past 9 months, haven't said one mean thing. Instead, I say how I'm feeling about a situation and it gets resolved.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> Well don't hate me anyone and maybe I do have anger issues; but a couple of doosies that I said during recent nasty heated arguements were - "you're a mean evil witch with a black soul", and I said to her in a different arguement that - "you're a horrible freakin wife and a horrible person & I wish that I was married to somebody else"!!


Yea, things like this have never been said in our home. The effects on my emotional stability would cause resentment, insecurity and would cause a huge distance between us.

I could not be married to someone who supposedly loves me, but can be so cruel. I was with someone like this (not a spouse, but live-in bf and we had a kid)...and it was a slow death of my soul.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Cee Paul said:


> Well don't hate me anyone and maybe I do have anger issues; but a couple of doosies that I said during recent nasty heated arguements were - "you're a mean evil witch with a black soul", and I said to her in a different arguement that - "you're a horrible freakin wife and a horrible person & I wish that I was married to somebody else"!!


 OH Cee!!! 

***** Note to self: please remember - don't cross Cee Paul,...... ever  *****


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Well now that I have posted some of the mean and nasty things I've said she has said things like - "you're a f*ckin loser and good for nothing", and "if I had a husband that knew how to fix things like most men do we wouldn't need to call repair men for everything"!

So those are just a few examples of what has gone on the past couple of years, and most married couples that I have repeated all of those things to have said that when it gets that nasty and ugly.......all respect goes out the window & you're in trouble!!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yes. When things like that are being thrown around, even in anger, i can imagine how it can cause horrible damage to intimacy 

I am glad hubs doesn't say those things to me. I'm also glad that I no longer say those types of things to him. I never was that rude, but i was rude enough  But he knows I'm sorry, and I have changed, so...can only go forward


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Yes. When things like that are being thrown around, even in anger, i can imagine how it can cause horrible damage to intimacy
> 
> I am glad hubs doesn't say those things to me. I'm also glad that I no longer say those types of things to him. I never was that rude, but i was rude enough  But he knows I'm sorry, and I have changed, so...can only go forward


We're both nice people for the most part but we just get soooooo mad at each other, that we completely fly off the handle and say some incredibly rotten things that make most other couples go "WOW - you actually said that"!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Why, though, do you get so mad at each other? Sounds like you don't accept each other for who you are and it bothers you both.

Instead of her saying you're worthless, it should be "Babe! Go youtube that shet so you can fix this!" Right? Hubs is a self-made handyman because of youtube.

If you can't feel completely accepted, even in anger, by your mate, i can't see the sex or relationship would be very fulfilling. But that's just me.

maybe work on the anger. There is a way to 'fight' without hurting each other so badly.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Why, though, do you get so mad at each other? Sounds like you don't accept each other for who you are and it bothers you both.
> 
> Instead of her saying you're worthless, it should be "Babe! Go youtube that shet so you can fix this!" Right? Hubs is a self-made handyman because of youtube.
> 
> ...


Right now sex is kind of "taboo" in our house and only occurs about once every 3-4 months if I'm lucky. And like I mentioned in another thread about what makes a good couples matchup, that it's very hard for two people with short fuses and quick tempers to make things work and I think it's just finally caught upto us after 7 years of marriage(and 8 years together). I also explained to her right up front while still engaged that I was a terrible handyman, and that I could only do the basics and that I was much better with stuff like computers and electronic gadgets. She said back then while still in that lovey dovey stage that all of that was "noooo problem", but now apparently it is and it gets thrown in my face more and more every week.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, if someone makes me that angry (I'm not an angry person), then it's time for me to go. It's not mentally healthy for either of us.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> Right now sex is kind of "taboo" in our house and only occurs about once every 3-4 months if I'm lucky. And like I mentioned in another thread about what makes a good couples matchup, that it's very hard for two people with short fuses and quick tempers to make things work and I think it's just finally caught upto us after 7 years of marriage(and 8 years together). I also explained to her right up front while still engaged that I was a terrible handyman, and that I could only do the basics and that I was much better with stuff like computers and electronic gadgets. She said back then while still in that lovey dovey stage that all of that was "noooo problem", but now apparently it is and it gets thrown in my face more and more every week.


My parents were both impatient and had short fuses. It was a bad situation.

Maybe try to start fresh. Right new vows and stick to them. I dunno. makes me sad to hear this is in your life. You love her...that's a verb. Daily decide to love each other. If you have to bite your tongues for a while, then so be it. I discovered that it wasn't about hubs when i was upset...it was about me. So now I say I'm overwhelmed and he knows that's my way of saying i'm at the end of my rope...and he helps me resolved things. but since working on us, we don't have those issues often.

Why do you get so angry at her?


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

that_girl said:


> My parents were both impatient and had short fuses. It was a bad situation.
> 
> Maybe try to start fresh. Right new vows and stick to them. I dunno. makes me sad to hear this is in your life. You love her...that's a verb. Daily decide to love each other. If you have to bite your tongues for a while, then so be it. I discovered that it wasn't about hubs when i was upset...it was about me. So now I say I'm overwhelmed and he knows that's my way of saying i'm at the end of my rope...and he helps me resolved things. but since working on us, we don't have those issues often.
> 
> Why do you get so angry at her?


I get angry at her because it is always HER way and nothing else allowed, and if I even try and suggest a different or better way of doing anything she throws a temper tantrum everytime! And if she sounds pretty spoiled that's because.........she IS.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Then let her throw a tantrum and just do what you want to do.

Don't ask how/what/when something should be done, just do it. When she starts to throw a fit, just walk away. Train her in how to treat you. Don't say ANYTHING back to her as she starts to push your buttons and just do what you do. 

OR, when she says it's her way or no way, then back off and leave it there. Let her throw a fit and just walk away. Don't engage.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You can't change or control HER. You CAN change and control yourself. You can also teach her how to treat you, and let her know what you will and won't tolerate.

I used to be somewhat like your wife. Hubs put his foot down and left...then when we were hanging out (while he had moved out) if i tried anything, he'd just smile and do it his way and i learned to truly trust him and just let him do what he does. I had total control issues about my life because I was never in control of my life. I had abandonment issues and other issues that made trusting people difficult. After a year of therapy, I am healed and have learned techniques to deal with myself.

I tell ya, it's a hell of a lot easier to live when you feel you don't have to control everything.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Then let her throw a tantrum and just do what you want to do.
> 
> Don't ask how/what/when something should be done, just do it. When she starts to throw a fit, just walk away. Train her in how to treat you. Don't say ANYTHING back to her as she starts to push your buttons and just do what you do.
> 
> OR, when she says it's her way or no way, then back off and leave it there. Let her throw a fit and just walk away. Don't engage.


That's easier said than done when I myself have a very bad temper and tend to react angrily to behavior like that, and it's not just a simple little switch that can be turned on and off easily.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It is not just HER life or HER home. It's both of yours. You are not her child or her servant so stop acting like one. You are the man of that house. She is the woman of that house. You both have responsibilities and duties. In my house, we have things we're responsible for. As long as they get done, we don't give a crap how/when it's done.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> That's easier said than done when I myself have a very bad temper and tend to react angrily to behavior like that, and it's not just a simple little switch that can be turned on and off easily.


No no. You are in control of yourself. YOU can decide to NOT engage. It is simple. You just decide. Focus on the goal in which you want in your life (a more peaceful, respectful home and relationship) and let that be what bites your tongue.

After a while of this 180, it will be the norm. Promise.

She knows your buttons to push. It's a stupid game. YOU know she's trying to push the buttons. You KNOW it's her way of getting her way. So dude, man up and control yourself.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

that_girl said:


> It is not just HER life or HER home. It's both of yours. You are not her child or her servant so stop acting like one. You are the man of that house. She is the woman of that house. You both have responsibilities and duties. In my house, we have things we're responsible for. As long as they get done, we don't give a crap how/when it's done.


You'd have to actually be there to understand the situation, and when you do bust your azz to make things work and feel like it's not being appreciated you get to a point where you just don't give a f*ck anymore.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Then stop busting your ass. 

Go do what you want to do. Let her be in control of those other things and you go do what you want to do.

I understand your frustration, believe me. I understand Hubs' frustration from that time too...it drove him to leave me and I don't blame him for it. It saved our marriage.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

that_girl said:


> No no. You are in control of yourself. YOU can decide to NOT engage. It is simple. You just decide. Focus on the goal in which you want in your life (a more peaceful, respectful home and relationship) and let that be what bites your tongue.
> 
> After a while of this 180, it will be the norm. Promise.
> 
> She knows your buttons to push. It's a stupid game. YOU know she's trying to push the buttons. You KNOW it's her way of getting her way. So dude, man up and control yourself.


Anger issues are just like any other problem out there that just doesn't go away by simply sprinkling happy dust on it and - *poof* all better now.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, then fix the anger problems.

It seems like you have these marital issues but you won't take ownership for your problems, you just want to blame her.

There are anger management classes and all sorts of therapy you can get into to help you express your anger in better ways than fueling this fire. 

Change yourself to change your relationship. It does suck...I went through HELL in the therapy session by draggin up old shet. but it had to be done to heal my marriage.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Well, then fix the anger problems.
> 
> It seems like you have these marital issues but you won't take ownership for your problems, you just want to blame her.
> 
> ...


Believe me I am at fault with plenty of things and therapy will be one of the next steps on my list.......soon.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Best thing I ever did was therapy. I put it off for 20 years. 

What a waste to carry my burdens of my childhood for so long. It almost cost me my marriage.

I hope you seek it sooner than later. Stop keeping score and start healing.


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