# Husband with a porn addiction said he isnt attracted to me



## gigi:c (Mar 14, 2012)

My husband and I have known each other for a little over 6 years and have been romantically involved for a little over 3 of those years. We've been married 6 months. We didnt start to fully live together until after we got married. 

Before we got married, we had an active sex life, then when we moved in, we had sex once. After that, for a few months he completely neglected me not just sexually, but emotionally and didnt talk to me much, then brushed off my concerns about it. In January I found out he had been looking at porn every chance he got. I'm fine with porn however this was to an unhealthy extent. He normally has pretty bad stamina and would want sex like two times a week, yet he'd look at porn every night, if I just went to the restroom, kitchen or laundry. I felt he basically replaced me with the computer and porn. After a few fights, he said he had an addiction and wanted to stop so I tried to help him. A month passed and he said he hadnt looked at it and things kind of got better. He wasnt as cold and distant from me, and he spent time with me even though we still didnt have much of a sex life. I told him I was really proud of him for how good he was doing and he took the credit. Then I found out he was still looking at porn. I was taking a 4-week course, and every time I left he went on extreme binges for two hours from the second I left to right before I got home.

He basically lied to me for a month in regards to that. We had another set of horrible fights then he told me he really couldnt stop but wanted to so we both agreed to be completely honest with each other and he could talk to me and I'd still be willing to help him. I was really hurt, unhappy, felt disgusting, I didnt want to go out or just do anything. I didnt trust him and wasnt sure if I loved him anymore since he kept lying to me about other things as well. After that talk, he opened up and told me other things like that he had lent out money to coworkers and some hadnt payed him back and werent going to, and more things regarding his porn addiction. About two weeks passed with excellent communication and with things even better, he swears he hasnt looked at porn in two weeks and I believe him. Then last night he told me he wasnt attracted to me physically/sexually and that he had "barely" figured that out a few days ago. He said 
he still loves me and wants to be with me, but he isnt attracted to me. I am overweight however Im not obese. I'm the same weight or less than when we got married. He said it never bothered him before we were married, he said he didnt want a mega twiggy girl because he doesnt like them. I dont know what to do now. It hurt more because he said that was the major reason he started looking at porn months ago, because he "wanted to see what I could look like".

I feel like he doesnt love me, doesnt want to be with me and like I dont want to be with him either. I feel really ugly and insulted. Throughout this whole time, Hes talked to me and vented to me. In those vents these past few weeks, hes told me things that were really hurtful, yet I never got mad at him, I tried to help him feel better. I had to repress everything I felt because he didnt want to talk about it with me because it would make him "feel too bad" or because he was sure I was doing it to make him feel worse or guilt trip him. And honestly believe that if I told him anything negative, he'd completely stop talking to me about things. I feel like despite all hes done, I still have to help him and deal with everything myself, and all he does is hurt me more and more. I love him, but I havent been happy since this started. Ive been constantly unhappy, depressed, emotionally drained. Ive always had low self esteem and confidence. These things just shattered it. I dont want him to touch me or even look at me. Since this started, Ive started cutting and for the past three or so times, by the time my cuts heal, Im cutting again because something else happened.

He doesnt make me happy anymore and I dont know if he ever will. I dont know if any of this is ever going to end or get better. Ive been basically holed up in the house depressed and thinking about these things since it started. I keep thinking that I want to die to just be able to escape everything. I dont know what to do at all. :c Thank you for reading.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

He more than likely had the porn problem before he met you. My guess is he probably tried to hide it while you all were dating and then it reared its ugly head now that you all are married. I doubt you being a little overweight had much to do with him watching porn to the extreme he is, and more likely just a way for him to cover up whats really going on with him. Most people with any kind of addiction like to blame, they like to project things on to others and make them feel like its their fault when in fact its really not. 

As much as you want to help him and fix things, you can NOT! You can be there for him if you want to, but you can't change him. My guess is your lack of self esteem is keeping you where you are more than love. Love is not about trying to hurt another person. And love is not about continuing to let another person hurt you. I would bet anything if you had more self esteem you would not tolerate this behavior from him. 

It might be best to have a period of separation. You need to get into some therapy and work on you. He needs to do the same. You need to worry more about fixing you and your hurt than trying to help or fix him, only he can do that if he chooses. I have a feeling as long as you are there he will continue to hurt you with his words and his actions. If you choose to leave, do not threaten to leave and then not do it. A person with a true addiction generally will choose the addiction, until they can get some kind of help and decide they want to change.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Heavy porn users will sometimes taper down or even stop altogether when a relationship is new. But once the bloom comes off the rose they usually go back to the porn and solo masturbation preferring that to partner sex. It is the newness of the relationship that keeps their sexual desire high enough to compete with the porn. Once that wears off the porn once again becomes the bigger draw for them.


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