# How important is sex when choosing a mate? Need serious advice



## lawdawg (Nov 28, 2014)

So I'm a divorced man but I'm currently engaged to the love of my life. She has all the qualities that I believe I want in a wife. She's 25, has no children, very family oriented, attractive, educated, and I believe she will be with me to the end. The issue I have with her is sex sucks. She is from a cultural background where the majority of the women do not give blow jobs. They think it's disgusting. She is the same nationality as my ex-wife so that part didn't bother me too much since I kind of knew what I was getting into. On top of this, sex with her is very mediocre and boring. I think she tries her best to please me but I'm always the one to initiate and she could easily go days or weeks without having sex. I will say that she doesn't deny me sex and she does mostly what I ask outside of anal and blowjobs. Still, I overlook those things. Again, it's more of a cultural thing rather than a personal one for her. I've brushed off the sexual issues simply because I felt like she would fulfill all the other aspects that I'm looking for in a wife.

Things changed recently when I met another woman. This woman is the same nationality of my fiance. The difference is that she is very in touch with her sexual side. If she told her friends what she enjoys in bed, she would definitely be considered an outcast. She enjoys all the sexual things I wish I could get and then some. This woman is a bit older at 27, has one son, and is also very attractive. I'm not considering sleeping with her or having a relationship with her but our conversations have left me confused. I'm sure this woman could satisfy me sexually although I don't know if she would be as good as a mate as my fiance. So how much weight should sex have when choosing a mate? I love my fiance but I find myself thinking about this other woman and what she could do. In my experience, sex is best before marriage. After that, it's all downhill from there. I'm thinking if sex with my fiance is already mediocre, it will flat out suck 10 years from now. I would then be living with a excellent woman while having a nonexistent sex life. I thought I could look over these sexual issues but this new woman has brought these issues to light. Again, I have not slept with this other woman and I don't plan to. she just has me rethinking my relationship with my fiance and I'm wondering if I should continue to overlook our mediocre sex life in return for a better marriage. I'm hoping someone with some life experience on these issues can give some advice.


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## Quigster (Aug 1, 2015)

lawdawg said:


> I'm hoping someone with some life experience on these issues can give some advice.


Three women, all of the same exotic nationality? You would appear to have a type.

You ask how important sex is in a marriage. Well, it is obviously important to you, or else you wouldn't be here asking about it. You basically have two choices: You can marry your fiancée in the hopes that either she will change or you will come to accept her shortcomings. Or, you can dump her and marry this new girl who will fulfill all your wildest sexual dreams.

Honestly, I don't know what to advise. If you go through with marrying your fiancée, you will become increasingly frustrated with her as you try to change her (which you will never be able to do) or as you try to accept terrible sex (which you will never be happy with). Marry this other girl, though, and the sex could easily fizzle out as well, and then you'll be stuck married to a girl with whom you're not nearly so compatible with as a life partner.

Why did your and your first wife divorce? Also, if you're not considering sleeping with this new girl, then why in the world are you having conversations with her of a sexual nature?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

In my opinion, sex in a marriage is much, much better for a variety of reasons. You are I'll advised if you're told otherwise. If you ask, I'll enumerate.

Yes, it's a big deal.

Should you marry this woman if you think ANYONE else might do? Not a chance. Nationality, from what I've seen hasn't got a lot to do with sex, but I'm not overly experienced with every race or whatever.

If she can do without sex for weeks, she is LD and definitely that would be a deal breaker for me. Multiple times a day is not too much for some women.

You're adding up the numbers with your gf. When you find the right one, the only numbers you'll be adding up are how many more days you think you can stand to go without marrying her.

My suggestion: keep looking, or you may just not be ready or even right for marriage. Not everyone is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

If there's anything I've learn is you need to be in a relationship where you are at least relatively the same ground sexually in terms of frequency and variety. If you aren't, someone will eventually feel rejected or pressured and resentment will build. And no matter how good you think you might be at hiding it, you aren't. Nor should you be.


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## lawdawg (Nov 28, 2014)

Quigster said:


> Three women, all of the same exotic nationality? You would appear to have a type.
> 
> You ask how important sex is in a marriage. Well, it is obviously important to you, or else you wouldn't be here asking about it. You basically have two choices: You can marry your fiancée in the hopes that either she will change or you will come to accept her shortcomings. Or, you can dump her and marry this new girl who will fulfill all your wildest sexual dreams.
> 
> ...


Me and my first wife divorced because she cheated............twice. I couldn't take it anymore so I divorced her. You're right, I guess sex is important to me or else I wouldn't be here. In my mind, it seems rather shallow for me to say " XYZ was a nice girl but I didn't marry her since she didn't do bjs". I guess I'm trying not to seem shallow and overlook the horrible sex. Either way, it looks like I have a tough choice to make I guess.


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## lawdawg (Nov 28, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> In my opinion, sex in a marriage is much, much better for a variety of reasons. You are I'll advised if you're told otherwise. If you ask, I'll enumerate.
> 
> Yes, it's a big deal.
> 
> ...


It hurts to read your last sentence because I've been thinking this. My fear is that I will call things off with my fiance and I will never find a woman that's as good as her. It hurts a lot but I like to play it safe so I think that unless something changes soon, I'll just have to settle with her.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

It shouldn't be a tough choice. If she is great every other way, and you really love her, accept it and stay with her. On the other hand, it is going to be something you think about and that forbidden fruit will tempt you more and more and you'll wind up frustrated and cheat on her. I'm dealing with a similar situation and it wears on me. Best of luck in whatever you do.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Since sexual activity is a naturally recurring activity for a married couple, or in the very least, should be, it is a very important decision upon which to base a choice for a marital partner! Keep in mind that by asking her to marry you, you have in essence asked her to spend the duration of her life with you, preemptively until such time that one of you meets death. That's what marriage is all about ~ or should be!

For as long as she respects and loves you and chooses in her heart to "do" acceptable sexual things that are both pleasing to you and to her, that is really all that you can ask for!

On that light, sexual compatibility is a most important criteria in the choosing of a marital partner!

Given that, the last woman you have seen seems to more than meet this most important criteria the most! But the greatest criteria of all is that, in your heart, you truly love her and that she truly loves you! If that happens, in the vast majority of cases, loving acts of mutual sex will usually take care of itself! *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

The answer to your question is: sex is as important in choosing a mate as sex itself is to you.

In other words, if you didn't care about sex, then it wouldn't matter in choosing a mate. Of course, if it mattered to your potential mate, then it would still matter in the relationship, but we're talking about what matters to you.

As for me, because sex is quite important to me, I would never marry anyone with whom the sex wasn't good.

Note to any potential haters: no, I wouldn't divorce my wife if there was some physical problem that kept us from having sex. But we're discussing deciding to marry, not what happens after getting married.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

lawdawg said:


> It hurts to read your last sentence because I've been thinking this. My fear is that I will call things off with my fiance and I will never find a woman that's as good as her. It hurts a lot but I like to play it safe so I think that unless something changes soon, *I'll just have to settle with her*.


I think you may have just answered your own question here...

Never settle for somebody.

It's obviously a big enough issue, pre-marriage, that you're coming here asking for advice. It's obviously important to you.

My advice - you need to talk with your fiancee about your sex life. Not what you want her to do, per se, but simply that it's important to you and that you have long-term concerns about your compatibility with each other.

You will learn volumes by how she handles a conversation of that sort.

So, if I read correctly, it's not that she won't do oral or anal, it's that she's relatively passive in bed, as well as not being outwardly sexual in general. It's not the amount of sex, nor even the quality of sex you're concerned about.

What it appears to be is that she shows no sexual desire for you, whereas this other woman, apparently, would. It also seems as though, according to you, it's a cultural thing, in that women are likely taught to be somewhat submissive, perhaps? As in, don't turn your husband down, but wait for him to come to you, etc.

To be blunt, that kind of attitude is no fun (trust me...). What you want is to be desired, and to not be the only one who shows any interest in sex. Never turning you down, and otherwise doing everything in bed that you ask (minus oral and anal) is not what you want.

You see this other woman who is not like that, and it's understandable. And now you're questioning the whole thing.

But again, you used the word "settle", so you've answered your own question, IMO.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Sex is, for most people, the one and only thing you do with your SO that you do not do with anyone else in the world. Sexual compatibility is extremely important! If you are not happy now with your sex life, it will only get worse. My suggestion to you is to have a frank discussion with your fiance about your expectations. She may be waiting for you take the lead down the road of exploration or she may shut down. Either way you will have an answer.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You should communicate these things as deal breakers to the girl you are with and see if her culteral aversion to sex is more important than her desire to be with you.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Woman here. My advice for you? No BJs, no marriage.

I'm not saying that EVERY woman has to give BJs. But since they are important to you, YOUR wife should be someone who is happy to give them.

Keep looking.

P.S. Why are you having conversations of a sexual nature with the 27-year-old woman? Is she telling you explicitly what she likes in bed? If so, those kinds of conversations seem out of bounds since you are already engaged.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Your sex life is more than blow jobs.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Sexual mismatch destroyed my first marriage. Sexual compatibility is as important as everything else - perhaps moreso, since almost every other need in a relationship can be satisfied elsewhere through friendships. Someone highly compatible except for sex is at best a friend. I want someone who is also a lover, who wants to please me as much as I want to please her.

My advice: move on. You can do better, but if this is a cultural issue, you may need to find someone from a different culture than you've been dating, or someone of that ethnicity/nationality who grew up in a more liberal culture.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

lawdawg said:


> I'm hoping someone with some life experience on these issues can give some advice.


Both of these are true stories:

*WIFE A:* She is a great mother of two children, helps provide half the family income, a great friend to her husband, but never has any energy or enthusiasm for sex. The husband is miserable and is considering divorce. 

*WIFE B:* Helps provide half the family income, does not always agree with husband on everything, she is absolutely crazy in bed and likes things wild. She is encouraging her children to be promiscuous just as she was when she was young. The husband is miserable and is considering divorce to get his children away from their mother. 

My advice to you is that life is messy and the grass will always appear greener on the other side of the fence. If anything try to find a wife that is good at working together to solve problems, then you have yourself a keeper!

Badsanta


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I think many have already given you great advice and honestly you have already answered your own question. How important sex is, that is really up to each individual. Obviously sex is very important to you and not to her. Given you have already gone through a divorce and dealt with a cheating spouse, I would think the last thing you would want to do is to settle with someone. You will just grow frustrated/resentful and it will impact your relationship in the long run.

I think at the end of the day you will find you are just not compatible with your fiance, but it is something you should at least have an open discussion with her first (i know, not an easy discussion to have, but something you owe her as your fiance before breaking things off)



lawdawg said:


> In my experience, sex is best before marriage. After that, it's all downhill from there. I'm thinking if sex with my fiance is already mediocre, it will flat out suck 10 years from now.


Per your quote above, and I know this is just from your experience, but I don't necessarily agree with this in terms of sex being best before marriage. Once again, each person will be different, but I have been married 13+ years and sex is by far better now (when we are actually having it lol) then at any point beforehand. In part, when you are with someone long enough you may develop a certain level of comfort where you can openly talks about your likes/dislikes, experiment, etc...


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I would say sex can be better before marriage but that's not always the case.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

The problem is that your sex life may be great before marriage and great for some time after marriage which would indicate sexual compatibility. The problem comes when that changes for whatever reason.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

24 years ago I did not think it was going to be a problem. My wife checked ALL the right boxes EXCEPT for the sex one. I thought I could live with it, but as the years went by it become more and more important to me. Thankfully, my wife has changed, but I do not think that's a given. If you get married you'll be rolling the dice on the sex and it will grate at you, in time. Also, if you think sex is "boring" now, wait 24 years, add 3 kids, a mortgage, and see how thrilling it will be.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

In the case of women from "generally submissive" or "generally oppressed" cultures, things may look up initially but in the long term most immigrants / ethnics (I am one also) seem to migrate back to the familiar culture as they get older. 

Remember the benchmark... To see what your wife will look like and act like at 50-55 look at her mother.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

john117 said:


> In the case of women from "generally submissive" or "generally oppressed" cultures, things may look up initially but in the long term most immigrants / ethnics (I am one also) seem to migrate back to the familiar culture as they get older.
> 
> Remember the benchmark... To see what your wife will look like and act like at 50-55 look at her mother.


*John: I'd sure as hell hate to see my ex-MIL sans her clothes just to get an idea of what my RSXW will look like in the future!

After all, I do have the utmost respect for her mother! At least within the scope of her lifelong faithful marriage, she never resorted to cheating!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
It varies with people, but for me a good sex life is essential to being happy. Its not the only thing that matters: it is necessary ,but not sufficient for happiness.

Do not expect her to change - most people never do.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

I think this a question only you can answer. We can advise you, but ultimately it will be your decision, whether it's right or wrong.

I won't lie to you. I have had more exciting sex with other women before I met my wife. The total package is the sum of all parts, though. My wife, and this may not be true with most women, has gotten better and better at sex, and does things now that she used to would not do. There's some compromise in every relationship, but some things are extremely important to each individual. I told my wife that I wouldn't accept "no" when I felt the need, or want, to have sex. I told her that may, or may not change over time. The lines of communication were definitely opened when we sat down before we got married, and had a heart-to-heart talk (actually several times) about all these things we felt needed to be said. I talked, and I listened, and we communicated about just about everything before marriage. We agreed that not everything would be said, and that some ideals might change, but the most important part was that lines of communication would remain open. After 19+ years we still communicate, sometimes knowing what's on each others' minds before we even "talk" about it.

The point is, before you jump into a marriage you need to make absolutely sure that the lines of communications are completely open. Sit down, talk AND listen, to each other's questions, concerns, expectations, etc. BEFORE you take that final step into marriage. Sometimes it's hard to talk about, and the fear is hurt feelings, resentment, etc., but one of the most important elements of a successful marriage is communication. After you have this heart-to-heart talk, you should be able to answer your own question. If you can't answer that question, or come to terms with the answer you get, then chances are the relationship will not be completely happy, and likely won't be a lasting one. Keep in mind, no relationship is ever perfect, and relationships are NOT 50/50. They are 100/100, the sum of the TWO participants in the relationship.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Au contraire, I did see my mother in law at 55 and she was very well preserved, as are most women from the region. Mentally she deserved her own chapter in the DSM-IV. Much like her daughter now...

It's not an absolute but its a good rule of thumb.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

In my experience, a sexual mismatch can slowly poison everything else that starts out good and wonderful about a partnership.

Aside from the fact that you seem to be limiting yourself to one particular culture, why do you think your fiancée's issues are cultural and not personal? You say you found another woman from that same culture who is much more sexually adventurous, so it's not just cultural, it's about a person's willingness to discard oppressive parts of that culture. Your fiancée is apparently not willing to do that.

I think a critical issue is, what does your fiancée think about partnership issues like problem-solving, like working together to improve the relationship. If she's open-minded about listening to your point of view and expressing hers and coming to mutual agreements, a marriage may work out. If she just laughs (or cries) when you say you'd like to improve your sexual compatibility before marriage, then you know she thinks she's right and you're wrong and won't be open to working with you on the issue.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

If you let a sexual mismatch poison everything else in a relationship that is really sad.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Okguy said:


> If you let a sexual mismatch poison everything else in a relationship that is really sad.


So if a sexual relationship is important to you, it is something you need to have a connection with someone, you should just disregard it, take one for the team?


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Not disregard it. But don't get divorced over infrequent sex.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Hold's 2 rules for sexual mismatch:

1. Do NOT marry someone if there is a sexual mismatch between you. It isn't fair to either of you.
2. Do NOT have kids with someone if there is a sexual mismatch between you. it isn't fair to the kids.

Sex is one of the 2 most common reasons couples divorce. Getting married when you already have that as a problem is foolish.

As someone else said, sex is the ONLY need that you pledge to never get satisfied with someone other than your spouse. If you are going to have an incompatibility with your spouse, make sure it is something, anything, other than sex. If your spouse hates spicy food you can go get some with someone else. If you spouse hates to play bridge you can play with someone else. But if your spouse doesn't satisfy you sexually and isn't interested in working to meet your need then you cannot ethically decide to get that need met by someone else. That tension is what destroys relationships. Don't willingly sign up for it. Please learn from the bad experience of so many of us here who have been down this road before you. You don't want to take even the first step down this road. It doesn't lead anywhere good. And the farther you walk down this road the harder it is to backtrack and get onto a different path.

You have been warned.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I agree with Hold. The problem comes way down the road when things change and the cost to leave is too great. So avoid marrying if you are incompatible sexually


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Never settle.

And if you love her, realize that you wouldn't want her to be with a man who's settling for her, either.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

If you're here asking the question, you already know the answer. You're just not ready to admit it yet. You will not be satisfied with this woman 10, 20, or 30 years from now. You will either be living in a self-made moat of resentment, a cheater, or divorced - possibly all three.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

lawdawg said:


> Me and my first wife divorced because she cheated............twice. I couldn't take it anymore so I divorced her. You're right, I guess sex is important to me or else I wouldn't be here. In my mind, it seems rather shallow for me to say " XYZ was a nice girl but I didn't marry her since she didn't do bjs". I guess I'm trying not to seem shallow and overlook the horrible sex. Either way, it looks like I have a tough choice to make I guess.


On the flip side, if BJs are that important to you, don't get married. It may sound trivial to others but only you live in the space between your ears and we've all heard people draw the line in the sand over issues others would consider small. I once heard of a lady breaking it off with a guy because he hated the fact she let the dogs sleep on the bed with her. She could have agreed and just let the dogs sleep on the floor but to her it was such a big issue she broke things off. 

BJs is just another form of sex and you can't have that with anyone else unless you have an open marriage/relationship, so if getting BJs is something you really want and something you know you can't just "get over" not having, split and go the other way. Better than a life filled with resentment and nights googling BJ pornos while mulling an affair.



Okguy said:


> Not disregard it. But don't get divorced over infrequent sex.


Would depend on how infrequent. If it was infrequent enough I would divorce over it.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

In any relationship frequent sex can become infrequent for many reasons. How often do you decide to divorce over it?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Okguy said:


> In any relationship frequent sex can become infrequent for many reasons. *How often do you decide to divorce over it?*



*Just once is sufficient. *

(Disclaimer: If it's a persistent problem that has not been fixed despite sincere attempts.)


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

And what if it happens again?


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

lawdawg said:


> relationship with my fiance and I'm *wondering if I should continue to overlook our mediocre sex life in return for a better marriage.* I'm hoping someone with some life experience on these issues can give some advice.


Trust me you WILL NOT have a good marriage with dull sex unless that is what you like. That's not to say some women will change but the odds will be real low. 
Personally its not a risk I would ever take. 
I married a LD woman, so being HD I was almost never happy


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Okguy said:


> And what if it happens again?


How can it happen again if I've divorced her? Or are you asking what happens in the next relationship?


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Yes I am


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Well, for this relationship we lived together for 7 years before marrying, and the sex was consistently frequent and good. We both agreed that was likely to continue, but if marriage somehow messed us up, we'd divorce and first try to return to our prior situation. Another 9 years later, and it is still consistently frequent and good. Actually it's far better even if we've both slowed down just a bit - but there's no mismatch.

We both came from sexless first marriages, so have a very strong bias against ever being in another. We are motivated to keep the sex good and frequent, as we are both HD. We also agreed that we'd have an open relationship, so that if for any reason we couldn't fix a mismatch that developed, we could get it elsewhere if we wished, because we want to stay together and want each other to continue to be sexually fulfilled. We both know how painful it can be to be denied sex and affection, and don't wish that on anyone, much less on the person we love most.

So, I think we don't have much to worry about on that issue, even if a worst case scenario occurs. Now, if it were willful withholding, we both agree that's grounds for immediate divorce, and we would.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

If you are going to ignore Hold's 2 rules and even consider marrying despite a sexual mismatch, please please please agree to do the following: tell the other person.

So I guess that is the 3rd rule of sexual mismatch:
3. If you are going to ignore rules 1 and 2, tell your fiancé. Maybe they are smart enough to realize what a disaster you are about to create.

See, lots of people make that "deal" with themselves. They decide to marry someone who has lots of good qualities and will be a good friend and a good co-parent to their kids. They just don't find the person sexually attractive or sufficiently good in bed. And the person decides for themselves that the good point outweigh the bad points and goes ahead and marries their "buddy". What none of these people do is explicitly say to their fiancé: "look, I like you a lot and I think you will be a great friend and great co-parent but you don't turn me on sexually and the sex we have is very meh. I would like to marry you even though you don't turn me on and the sex we have isn't very good. is that OK with you?"

You see, the dynamic is so toxic to marriage, but the person who is willing to marry their buddy never sees it. They never see how condescending it is to "settle" for someone else. They never see how likely it is that the sex will dwindle and eventually disappear. They think they can continue to "take one for the team" year after year and decade after decade even though they do not find their spouse attractive. They don't realize how overwhelmingly likely it is that once they have "gotten" the object of their platonic desire they will no longer feel much motivation to have sex with someone who doesn't turn them on.

On the other hand, the "ugly duckling" spouse is likely to see all these likely consequences with crystal clarity.

So if you are going to marry someone you don't find attractive, at least love and respect them enough to tell them. That way, when the sex stops, the condescending spouse can tell the rejected spouse "you were warned".


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Yes, it is a big deal. If she's not going to be into sex at all, you will be very sorry and that you made the choice you did. True, she is doing it with you now, but that's just to keep you happy. That will stop a soon as you are married. I would break it off with her right away.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

lawdawg said:


> I'm hoping someone with some life experience on these issues can give some advice.


Does she climax when you make love?


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

If you're not satisfied now and are settleing, what makes you think it gets better after marriage ?

I think the fact you're asking this question before you get married is good. (I'm pretty sure the conversation with your 27 year old female friend which has gotten you questioning sex quality isn't appropriate) 

A lot of couples just assume the sex will be good and frequent once they are married. It's just not the case usually.

You MUST discuss this with your fiancé because it "IS" a big deal. If sex is important to you talk to her!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I don't think marrying someone you already know you aren't compatible with is smart. Sex is, and should be, a top priority in marriage. Well it is for me anyway. If you have low priority then you need to find a spouse who is the same so you never have conflict over it.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I agree Wolf. The problem is love blinds us to many things.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

It is always fun to point out the obvious. Sex isn't that important as long as it is present and enjoyable. It is when you don't have sex that it becomes very important. 

Actually the reason most people stop having sex is because of other "more important" issues in the marriage become fighting grounds, they get angry and the sex suffers.

Let's look at some articles on what causes divorce. If something causes divorce, then avoiding it must be important in choosing a mate. Probably lots more articles we could look at.

Actually the "experts" aren't in agreement but some have some overlap which could give clues as to what it important in choosing a mate/

Top 10 Causes For Divorce and Marriage Breakups: Stats Collected in the US |

The above states in order of lest to most important causes of divorce are:

10. Difference in priorities and expectations
9. Addiction
8. Child-rearing issues
7. Religious and cultural strains
6. Boredom in marriage
5. Sexual incompatibility (what only #5?)
4. Marital Financial issues
3. Physical, psychological or emotional abuse
2. Communication breakdown in relationships
1. Marriage Infidelity: top reasons for divorce

Infidelity or more commonly known as “cheating” is on top of the list of reasons for divorce in the US in the above list.

And now a completely different set of the top ten from a group of "experts." 10 Common Reasons Your Marriage Ended In Divorce | YourTango

So what do these folks say? "....If you think that sexual infidelity is the leading cause of divorce, you've got it all wrong. We polled over 100 YourTango Experts to see what they say are the top reasons married couples decide to split, and, believe it or not, communication problems came out on top as the number one reason marriages fail...." again bottom to most important cause of marriage failure.

1. Getting in for the wrong reasons.
2. Lack of individual identity. 
3. Becoming lost in the roles. 
4. Not having a shared vision of success. 
5. The intimacy disappears. 
6. Unmet expectations. 
7. Finances. 
8. Being out of touch ... literally.
9. Different priorities and interests. 
10. Inability to resolve conflicts. 

So what seems to cause divorce in no particular order are infidelity, finances, lack of shared goals or priorities or role/cultural issues, sexual incompatibility-lack of intimacy-being out of touch, communications problems, abuse, addiction communications problems.

So to go back to the question "how important is sex in choosing a mate?" It's important, but at the end of the day, if the measure of getting married to the right person is measured by the marriage not ending in divorce, then sex (as in sexual compatibility) is only one of a bunch of critical measures and probably no more important than lots of other factors.

Good to great sex can be distracting, but if they are a financial disaster, abusive, addicted, or you are constantly fighting over other things, sex isn't going to "save your marriage." It is one of many important things. Life is about growing up and setting priorities and marriage is about compromise, love and adjustment.

This from a guy who has been married for 44+ years, but came very close to divorcing his wife when the sex stopped, but understands that the root cause of the sex stopping was something else.

Good luck.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Okguy said:


> In any relationship frequent sex can become infrequent for many reasons. How often do you decide to divorce over it?


I assume this was directed at me.

How often? Once. Once I decide to divorce I'd divorce. I'm not the type to simply bolt when things start to go rough, I'll do counselling, talk it out, try my best to reach mutual ground. But it's also something that will be discussed ahead of time and if sex isn't something we both feel we'd be compatible with, I'd be going my own way.

That said, when sex becomes infrequent as you stated, I think we all except that there is reasons for that. If your spouse is ill, loses a parent, is having a rough stretch at work, etc. that can cause a dip in sex. But that dip should last a few months, not year after year. After a while it stops being a reason and it starts just being because that's who your spouse is, a LD person. At that point you either find a solution or start looking at a way out.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Young at Heart said:


> It is always fun to point out the obvious. Sex isn't that important as long as it is present and enjoyable. It is when you don't have sex that it becomes very important.
> 
> Actually the reason most people stop having sex is because of other "more important" issues in the marriage become fighting grounds, they get angry and the sex suffers.
> 
> ...


GULP! I just about ticked all the boxes, both lists. What a goose I have been :surprise::frown2:


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## lawdawg (Nov 28, 2014)

Personal said:


> @lawdawg are you still around are you okay?


I'm here and good. I haven't decided on anything yet but just reading and thinking. I think I mentioned earlier but the biggest fear I have is that I will let her go and might end up with a woman that is great in bed but a terrible mother. Either way, I'm going to sit her down this weekend and have a serious discussion about our sex life. We are both fairly young so I'm hoping she can adapt and become more active in our sex life. Another thing I'm worried about is that at this point, I don't know if she will make a change for me or only because she wants to go through with this wedding. It's really complicated.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Lawdog in that case I would not marry her. Too many ifs in my opinion


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

lawdawg said:


> I think I mentioned earlier but the biggest fear I have is that I will let her go and might end up with a woman that is great in bed but a terrible mother.


"I am not sure I can do any better" is a terrible reason to get married. Get married because you cannot imagine living your life without this person. Get married because you want to spend every waking moment with this person. Get married because you want to spend the rest of your life learning more about this person and how to become their best friend.

Do NOT get married because you think this person will be a good parent to kids you don't even have yet. Even if you are correct in your prediction, the odds are very high that your marriage will eventually turn into a soul destroying prison - unless you also feel the way I describe above about this person.

"Will be a good parent" is a nice thing to have in addition to loving the person and enjoying sex with them and wanting to be with them forever. It is not a good thing to have instead of those other things. Hold out for the person who is both. 

You may think the worst outcome is to miss out on the person who would be the best parent for your kids. Trust me, a lousy marriage you did is far worse than anything you chose to avoid doing.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Holdingontoit said:


> "I am not sure I can do any better" is a terrible reason to get married.


As someone who stayed in a marriage for a while because of this very thought, I concur. You, like me, likely suffer from some self-esteem issues. There is no reason you can't find someone who is absolutely perfect for you. Believe in yourself.


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## Cleigh (Dec 5, 2013)

I don't think you should marry at all quite honestly, you are talking to another woman sexually already and you're not even married yet.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

john117 said:


> Remember the benchmark... To see what your wife will look like and act like at 50-55 look at her mother.


Agree totally with this - I like my MIL (she's mid 80's now) and get along with her fine. However, she's not someone that I want to spend all of my time with. When I hear my wife now, I hear my MIL and I don't like it - I don't know how my FIL has put up with it all of these years.


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

lawdawg said:


> So I'm a divorced man but I'm currently engaged to the love of my life. She has all the qualities that I believe I want in a wife. She's 25, has no children, very family oriented, attractive, educated, and I believe she will be with me to the end. The issue I have with her is sex sucks. She is from a cultural background where the majority of the women do not give blow jobs. They think it's disgusting. She is the same nationality as my ex-wife so that part didn't bother me too much since I kind of knew what I was getting into. On top of this, sex with her is very mediocre and boring. I think she tries her best to please me but I'm always the one to initiate and she could easily go days or weeks without having sex. I will say that she doesn't deny me sex and she does mostly what I ask outside of anal and blowjobs. Still, I overlook those things. Again, it's more of a cultural thing rather than a personal one for her. I've brushed off the sexual issues simply because I felt like she would fulfill all the other aspects that I'm looking for in a wife.
> 
> Things changed recently when I met another woman. This woman is the same nationality of my fiance. The difference is that she is very in touch with her sexual side. If she told her friends what she enjoys in bed, she would definitely be considered an outcast. She enjoys all the sexual things I wish I could get and then some. This woman is a bit older at 27, has one son, and is also very attractive. I'm not considering sleeping with her or having a relationship with her but our conversations have left me confused. I'm sure this woman could satisfy me sexually although I don't know if she would be as good as a mate as my fiance. So how much weight should sex have when choosing a mate? I love my fiance but I find myself thinking about this other woman and what she could do. In my experience, sex is best before marriage. After that, it's all downhill from there. I'm thinking if sex with my fiance is already mediocre, it will flat out suck 10 years from now. I would then be living with a excellent woman while having a nonexistent sex life. I thought I could look over these sexual issues but this new woman has brought these issues to light. Again, I have not slept with this other woman and I don't plan to. she just has me rethinking my relationship with my fiance and I'm wondering if I should continue to overlook our mediocre sex life in return for a better marriage. I'm hoping someone with some life experience on these issues can give some advice.


There's no way in hell I would date, let alone marry someone that didn't meet my sexual needs. That's just asking for problems down the road.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

The trouble with most mis-matches is that when we first meet we get bamboozled by all the ecstasy chemicals flooding our bodies. It's almost impossible to be objective. Plenty of people out there haven't had intimacy for years, if ever - so when it lands on the doorstep the intellect takes a holiday.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I'd like to know how or why you figure she would be a good mother if she hasn't had any children yet? For all you know she may suck just as bad as a mother as she does as a lover.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

OliviaG said:


> BTW, as a woman, if I found out that my husband had felt before he married me that he was "settling" for me, I would be crushed. I would feel as though he ripped me off of the chance of finding someone who was wholly compatible with me. It's a terrible thing to do to someone, especially someone who is going to make herself vulnerable enough to you to bear your children (assuming you plan to have a family).


Not only this.. but Quote - she is HORRIBLE in bed too!!

Please do this woman a favor.. do not marry her.. allow her to find someone who loves her, and wants her for all she has to give.. 

When I met my husband , neither of us had any experience (we were young) .. it was a beautiful thing learning together ....I never had to worry if I compared to that nympho over there.. or his worrying if his twanger measured up..... 

This idea that sex always gets worse after marriage.. Not always the case... depends on what both brings to the marriage.. make sure you have awesome communication... both have adequate sex drives.. and both being "pleasers" will go a long long way...

If she is truly Low drive.. end it....she's NOT compatible with you.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

If sex was best before marriage, then the marriage is sexual mismatch. My sex is way more interesting now, after 20 years, then twnety years ago, and that despite other marital problems. 

You will be unhappy with this woman. If she is LD now, it will only go downhill. It is not shallow to think about sexual compatibility, it is a key to happy marriage (among few other things, of course). You seems still young, why are you rushing from one marriage to another? Believe me, there is love life beyond 20s, and it can be much more interesting


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Like I said on page 3, this situation is easy to resolve. Just tell your fiance she is lousy in bed and you have been discussing her shortcomings with another woman to see if anything can be done to help your fiance overcome her disability. That should make the decision for you.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

Holdingontoit said:


> Like I said on page 3, this situation is easy to resolve. Just tell your fiance she is lousy in bed and you have been discussing her shortcomings with another woman to see if anything can be done to help your fiance overcome her disability. That should make the decision for you.


:allhail:


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Holdingontoit said:


> Like I said on page 3, this situation is easy to resolve. Just tell your fiance she is lousy in bed and you have been discussing her shortcomings with another woman to see if anything can be done to help your fiance overcome her disability. That should make the decision for you.


I hope that was in jest, but it would be cruel. 

There is an old (probably false) folk tale about the ten cow wife and how a husbands expectations can increase or decrease the his wife's worth. 

Since the guy thinks his fiance is maybe only a one cow wife, that may be just what he is going to get.

Ten-Cow Wife


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> I hope that was in jest, but it would be cruel.


Telling her might be cruel, but not as cruel as marrying her without telling her. That is the outcome I am trying to prevent.

I agree, if he is smart enough to call off the wedding and end the relationship then there is no need to tell his fiancé how he truly feels. But if he is thinking of going ahead with marrying her then he DOES need to tell her about his view of their love-making. To refrain from doing so because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings almost guarantees that he will hurt her much worse later.

Which is more cruel:
A. telling someone before marriage that you love them but you find them uninteresting in bed so you want to work with them to get in sync sexually so you can marry them wholeheartedly; or
B. not telling them you find them uninteresting in bed, marrying them, and then 10 years and 2 kids later filing for divorce because you eventually could not resign yourself to a lifetime married to someone who doesn't excite you in bed?


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