# Trigger warning “taking one’s life”



## Bulfrog1987

My husband killed himself late Saturday night two weeks ago while I was watching a friends two younger kids in her home and staying the night until her in-laws were able to come in on Sunday afternoon. She went into labor early and i had essentially been on standby all week to do this. My son was with me of course, I’m so thankful, but I truly am just devastated. Even through everything, I never left, I was holding out hoping for a turn around. This is just…

I know deeply really it wasn’t what was going on with us this past six months. We were the symptom of the bigger issue(s) but I can’t help but feel guilty. I know he was hurting from losing his son in 2016, but he wouldn’t grieve, he just kept drinking him away. I didn’t know it was that bad, that he was that sad. He wouldn’t talk to me or anyone.

I just can’t believe all this. I can’t.


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## MarmiteC

I'm so sorry to read this Bulfrog. I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now.


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## gaius

I'm sorry he did that to you. My wife was a widow when we met and the damage to her from having her husband die was extensive, and he hadn't even killed himself.

Just keep in mind at the end of the day he made the choice to not talk to you. To not fight for his family. He gave up and left. There was nothing you or anyone else could have done and if anyone should feel guilty it's him.


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## LisaDiane

Bulfrog1987 said:


> My husband killed himself late Saturday night two weeks ago while I was watching a friends two younger kids in her home and staying the night until her in-laws were able to come in on Sunday afternoon. She went into labor early and i had essentially been on standby all week to do this. My son was with me of course, I’m so thankful, but I truly am just devastated. Even through everything, I never left, I was holding out hoping for a turn around. This is just…
> 
> I know deeply really it wasn’t what was going on with us this past six months. We were the symptom of the bigger issue(s) but I can’t help but feel guilty. I know he was hurting from losing his son in 2016, but he wouldn’t grieve, he just kept drinking him away. I didn’t know it was that bad, that he was that sad. He wouldn’t talk to me or anyone.
> 
> I just can’t believe all this. I can’t.


Oh Bullfrog, I am SO sorry for that and for what you are going through....what a painful, horrible situation for you and your family. My heart hurts for the wound you will all now carry because of this.

PLEASE do not feel guilty...from what you described, it sounds like you had every reason to do what people in difficult relationships do - be angry, complain, struggle, blame, fight, walk away - and what he did is NOT a reflection of YOU at all. It's a reflection of the pain and struggle that HE was dealing with and didn't want to reach out for help with.

Please post as much as you want about this here, and also get some real therapy for yourself, even if you think you don't need it...

I am so very sorry.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

So very sorry for your loss. No words can be said that are meaningful in these situations. Please be well, as you and family go through this.


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## Works

I am so sorry that this happened... I just read your story and my heart breaks for you.. I am glad you at least have your families support. 🙏


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## Personal

I am sorry that this has happened to you and your husband @Bulfrog1987, and although I have no words to take your pain away. That said please know that you are not to blame for this, you didn't cause it and there is no shame in doing the best you could at the time.

I am also sorry, you're husband couldn't find a way to express his grief and to share it with you. Yet I don't want you to do the same and bottle your own grief either. So please talk and share as you need and never fear asking for help when in need.


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## Angie?or…

I’m so very sorry. Suicide is a terribly painful way to lose someone. Devastating and traumatic. It isn’t your fault. I hope you have people who can support you. Therapy would probably be helpful; it was very important for me after my father’s suicide. The grief and shock are so complicated. Especially when the relationship was a very difficult one. Praying for you and your family.


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## ah_sorandy

I'm so sorry for your loss. Some 30 odd years ago, I lost my beloved sister to suicide. I know very much about the pain you are experiencing.

However, it is NOT your fault. Despite me doing all I could to help my sister at the time, she just refused to accept all the help she was offered. She took the coward's way out and ignored all the hurt she would inflict on her loved ones.

You will live with this pain for the rest of your life, so please take every bit of help and support for yourself. It does get a little better with the passing of time.

I wish you all the best, for now, and for years to come.


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## D0nnivain

Deepest condolences. I feel your pain; my EX killed himself. 

It's NOT your fault! It was his CHOICE, a deeply flawed personal choice born of pain you couldn't fully understand or alleviate. Try to find some comfort knowing he's at peace now & the pain has stopped. 

When you are feeling up to it, reach out to a group called the American Foundation for the Prevention of Suicide. They have bereavement support groups for survivors: I've lost someone | AFSP


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## Diana7

As has been said,f loosing someone you love through suicude is devastating. I lost my mum and grandmother to suicide and also a friend. 
My mum died 36 years ago and back then there really was no help and no support groups. I am sure there are now, so when you feel ready seek support and help. 
I hope you have family and friends who can help as well. 
Had he been ill for a long time?


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## Bulfrog1987

Diana7 said:


> As has been said,f loosing someone you love through suicude is devastating. I lost my mum and grandmother to suicide and also a friend.
> My mum died 36 years ago and back then there really was no help and no support groups. I am sure there are now, so when you feel ready seek support and help.
> I hope you have family and friends who can help as well.
> Had he been ill for a long time?


He wasn’t I’ll persay, an alcoholic though since I met him. But after the loss of our then youngest back on 2016, at just 16 years old. I think now, looking back that was the proverbially straw that broke the camels back. He would t grieve for him. His idea of grieving was simply drinking. And the thing about the drinking though, it was an issue long before the loss of our teen.

therewas something much bigger going on even I couldn’t understand. He would t let me in anymore. All these past few months k thought it was me, but I can look back and see him withdrawing from me intentionally.


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## D0nnivain

Oh heavens. I am so sorry that you also lost a child. That is a lot of grief for one person to bear. I really do hope you have professional support to get you through.


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## Diana7

Bulfrog1987 said:


> He wasn’t I’ll persay, an alcoholic though since I met him. But after the loss of our then youngest back on 2016, at just 16 years old. I think now, looking back that was the proverbially straw that broke the camels back. He would t grieve for him. His idea of grieving was simply drinking. And the thing about the drinking though, it was an issue long before the loss of our teen.
> 
> therewas something much bigger going on even I couldn’t understand. He would t let me in anymore. All these past few months k thought it was me, but I can look back and see him withdrawing from me intentionally.


The sad thing about those who turn to drink is that it often makes you more likely to feel bad.
Did you say it was his son who died? Was that from a previous marriage?


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## lifeistooshort

I'm sorry sister. I went back and reread your other thread and for what it's worth I don't think there was ever anything you could do to help him.

He was an alcoholic for as long as you’ve known him and was clearly emotionally stunted so I'm not at all surprised he couldn't grieve or open up.

I an truly sorry that he was never able to get the help he needed... .sone people are just unable to overcome their demons.
But I an also glad that you and your son are safe. Given his history of alcoholism, anger, and waving his gun around I worried for your safety.

Get whatever help you and your son need to process this, and you always have a support system here.


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## Bulfrog1987

Diana7 said:


> The sad thing about those who turn to drink is that it often makes you more likely to feel bad.
> Did you say it was his son who died? Was that from a previous marriage?


yes it was from his previous marriage. He was also so very drunk that night. I had no idea being that I was gone until his last moments. His middle son called me saying he was messaging him weird stuff and I said I’d call him and check on him. 

When he answered my call I could hear he was drunk and I told him what his son had said and asked him what was going on and he just responded I’ll call him and let him know he doesn’t have anything to worry about. I said his name into the phone on a sighing tone like what are doing? He just huffed at me and hung up.

From there on he wouldn’t answer, I just figured he’d passed out, but he hung with me and did it right then and there. I know it. His phone activity shows name still up on the screen. I was it. No goodbye, no it’s not I just can’t take this anymore, nothing.


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## DownByTheRiver

Bullfrog, so sorry for you. Look, you and your son were probably the only thing holding him together since he lost his son. Sometimes no one can save them. You sound like a caring person, so I know you did all you could. You have to let the guilt go. A wife can't compensate for him losing a child, that's all. I imagine he had a bunch of guilt as well as the grief. He wouldn't want you to shoulder any of this. He wouldn't have stuck with you if you hadn't been someone he loved and needed through this. You know a child's death often splits up a family entirely. I'm just sorry he chose this instead of seeking help, but in a child's death, there is no real respite. Nothing will bring the child back. 

He'd want you to bring joy back into your life as quickly as possible and live a full life. He's out there somewhere right now hoping for that.


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## Bulfrog1987

DownByTheRiver said:


> Bullfrog, so sorry for you. Look, you and your son were probably the only thing holding him together since he lost his son. Sometimes no one can save them. You sound like a caring person, so I know you did all you could. You have to let the guilt go. A wife can't compensate for him losing a child, that's all. I imagine he had a bunch of guilt as well as the grief. He wouldn't want you to shoulder any of this. He wouldn't have stuck with you if you hadn't been someone he loved and needed through this. You know a child's death often splits up a family entirely. I'm just sorry he chose this instead of seeking help, but in a child's death, there is no real respite. Nothing will bring the child back.
> 
> He'd want you to bring joy back into your life as quickly as possible and live a full life. He's out there somewhere right now hoping for that.


Oh how I know all those things you're saying regarding the respite. And I so want to believe he'd want that for us, it's just hard to accept that. It felt very personal. You know he was calling everyone that night. EVERYONE, except me. He wasn't calling them to tell him what he was about to do, just shooting the breeze. He called so many people, but not me. The only reason I had that last chance to speak to him was because his last message to his son was alarming unlike the other calls and he reached out to me. WHY didn't he call me?? There was nothing we were going through so terrible that I didn't think we could eventually get through. I was miserable yes, he was treating me terrible yes, but I never left. I cared and I'm just plagued with thinking I left him feeling unloved, as if I didn't care. 

Our distance over these past few months was both our doing, his because he didn't want to deal with his feelings and me to self preserve what little I had left that I felt like his was sucking out of me. I just love him, I LOVED HIM then and it just feels like his last thoughts was I didn't. IDK. I'm just devastated.


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## DownByTheRiver

Bulfrog1987 said:


> Oh how I know all those things you're saying regarding the respite. And I so want to believe he'd want that for us, it's just hard to accept that. It felt very personal. You know he was calling everyone that night. EVERYONE, except me. He wasn't calling them to tell him what he was about to do, just shooting the breeze. He called so many people, but not me. The only reason I had that last chance to speak to him was because his last message to his son was alarming unlike the other calls and he reached out to me. WHY didn't he call me?? There was nothing we were going through so terrible that I didn't think we could eventually get through. I was miserable yes, he was treating me terrible yes, but I never left. I cared and I'm just plagued with thinking I left him feeling unloved, as if I didn't care.
> 
> Our distance over these past few months was both our doing, his because he didn't want to deal with his feelings and me to self preserve what little I had left that I felt like his was sucking out of me. I just love him, I LOVED HIM then and it just feels like his last thoughts was I didn't. IDK. I'm just devastated.


He didn't call you because he knew it would have put up your radar, because you're the one who might have known something was up. He didn't want you to stop it. He knew he was treating you terrible too. He knew only someone who loved him would have put up with it, too.


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## lifeistooshort

Bulfrog1987 said:


> Oh how I know all those things you're saying regarding the respite. And I so want to believe he'd want that for us, it's just hard to accept that. It felt very personal. You know he was calling everyone that night. EVERYONE, except me. He wasn't calling them to tell him what he was about to do, just shooting the breeze. He called so many people, but not me. The only reason I had that last chance to speak to him was because his last message to his son was alarming unlike the other calls and he reached out to me. WHY didn't he call me?? There was nothing we were going through so terrible that I didn't think we could eventually get through. I was miserable yes, he was treating me terrible yes, but I never left. I cared and I'm just plagued with thinking I left him feeling unloved, as if I didn't care.
> 
> Our distance over these past few months was both our doing, his because he didn't want to deal with his feelings and me to self preserve what little I had left that I felt like his was sucking out of me. I just love him, I LOVED HIM then and it just feels like his last thoughts was I didn't. IDK. I'm just devastated.


Try not to take thar personally. You saw things that others didn't and knew things about him that others didn't....that's the nature of marital relationships. It may have been easier for him to shoot the breeze with others precisely because they didn't know him like you did so he had a better image with them.

Of course what he was thinking is known only to him...just remember that addicts usually have a skewed perception of things.


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## Ursula

Oh my goodness, @Bulfrog1987, I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your son at this time.


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## Openminded

I’m very sorry that you and your son have to cope with this. He obviously felt that he couldn’t continue but unfortunately survivors are always the ones who pay the price. You have nothing to feel guilty for — his issues were his alone and he didn’t want help in getting better. There was no way you were going to save him from himself. Be very grateful he didn’t say anything to you that night because it probably wouldn’t have been good. Hopefully, he had his affairs in order so you don’t have that to deal with while you’re trying to put your life back together.


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## Bulfrog1987

Openminded said:


> I’m very sorry that you and your son have to cope with this. He obviously felt that he couldn’t continue but unfortunately survivors are always the ones who pay the price. You have nothing to feel guilty for — his issues were his alone and he didn’t want help in getting better. There was no way you were going to save him from himself. Be very grateful he didn’t say anything to you that night because it probably wouldn’t have been good. Hopefully, he had his affairs in order so you don’t have that to deal with while you’re trying to put your life back together.


More like I had his affairs in order, simply because of the age difference. But I never dreamed it would end like this. Never. Nor did I want this for him in any fashion, regardless of how miserable I was. There are several on here who have seen my previous postings and know what kind of shape the marriage was in. Even given that I never didn't love him, even when I probably shouldn't have. It's just really hard to accept any of it. 

I can look back now when things really starting to go down hill in August and see, what I thought was just him, angry at me, taking things out on me.. I mean he was taking things out on me, but it wasn't because of me or us, it was because of himself and the fact he couldn't look himself in the mirror and acknowledge everything around him. Our life wasn't bad, our relationship was messed up but that wasn't for lack of me trying, but it was always me. I just thought he was being stubborn, that he would honestly turn around. Or even ask me for a divorce really. Not this.


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## Openminded

Bulfrog1987 said:


> More like I had his affairs in order, simply because of the age difference. But I never dreamed it would end like this. Never. Nor did I want this for him in any fashion, regardless of how miserable I was. There are several on here who have seen my previous postings and know what kind of shape the marriage was in. Even given that I never didn't love him, even when I probably shouldn't have. It's just really hard to accept any of it.
> 
> I can look back now when things really starting to go down hill in August and see, what I thought was just him, angry at me, taking things out on me.. I mean he was taking things out on me, but it wasn't because of me or us, it was because of himself and the fact he couldn't look himself in the mirror and acknowledge everything around him. Our life wasn't bad, our relationship was messed up but that wasn't for lack of me trying, but it was always me. I just thought he was being stubborn, that he would honestly turn around. Or even ask me for a divorce really. Not this.


Yes, I remember your thread from October. I thought you would be divorced by now but I certainly didn’t see this type of ending for you. I’m very sorry. What a tremendous shock for all of you.


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