# Do opposites really attract?



## SunshineLady

They always say opposites attract. Is this true? Can opposites actually have a successful marriage? We have been together 7 years, the first 4 were great since, we have had off and on issues and he usually comes back to the fact that we don't have much in common. I'm 29 he is 37. He is into what he calls 'nerd' stuff. Horror movies, xbox ect. Im into Tv shows vs Movies, computer games vs xbox. I am a very emotional person, he hardly feels/shows emotion. He is more of a laid back very patient person, i am more of a high strung personality, but at the end of the day, i feel like a lot of these things work well together. As far as 'fun' there is still a lot that we both like, bowling, playing pool, traveling ect. We have 2 kids and seem to be on the same page as far as parenting are concerned.
Is it possibly that a relationship can work with so many differences? Is this going to be a deal breaker in really having a successful marriage? Any help or insight would be greatly appreciated.


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## Faithful Wife

My H and I are opposites in many ways...but emotionally we are in sync. In any other ways I think everything can be just fine but in the emotional world, I think you really need to both be able to love as deeply as each other. Do you feel you are opposites on that level also?


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## SimplyAmorous

SunshineLady said:


> *They always say opposites attract. Is this true? Can opposites actually have a successful marriage?*


 Here is my feelings on this... Opposites in temperament can be a tremendous Blessing... if you understand each other ....did a thread on this here >>

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ments-our-spouses-better-understand-them.html

....in our case, we admire what the other BRINGS... my husband is primarily a Phlegmatic temperament (laid back, calm, patient, dry humored..though he can be a bit passive)...each has their strengths and weaknesses ..... 

I am Primary a Choleric .... can be a bit antsy, take charge, patience is not my greatest asset.....but I'm not one to be passive when I am after something... he seems to admire in ME what he struggles with ...and I admire in him what I struggle with... we "compliment" each other in this way...so long as we are working as "a team"...So it's good. 

But when you get into "do opposites attract" when it comes to lifetime goals, dreams, beliefs, homebody vs social animal, spender vs Saver, High drive vs Low drive in sex... Love languages at opposite extremes, this can cause a colossal amount of "banging one's head against the wall" ....thinking







what did we see in each [email protected]#$ 




> We have been together 7 years, the first 4 were great since, we have had off and on issues and he usually comes back to the fact that *we don't have much in common.* I'm 29 he is 37. He is into what he calls 'nerd' stuff. Horror movies, xbox ect. Im into Tv shows vs Movies, computer games vs xbox.* I am a very emotional person, he hardly feels/shows emotion. He is more of a laid back very patient person, i am more of a high strung personality, but at the end of the day, i feel like a lot of these things work well together. *


 Sounds like you got the opposite personalities -which can work... if , again, we understand why the other IS the way they are... and don't take it too personal...each temperament has it's natural strengths but also it's weaknesses we need to work on to bring ourselves more in balance - bringing us closer to our partner also...

You & he have some different hobbies going on here... pretty normal... then you shared some things YOU ENJOY doing together *>>* bowling, playing pool, traveling...and agree on parenting your 2 children...:smthumbup:.... this is good. 



> Is it possibly that a relationship can work with so many differences? Is this going to be a deal breaker in really having a successful marriage? Any help or insight would be greatly appreciated.


Where are you feeling the most contention with your husband...how does he RUB you the wrong way the most, do you feel your love tank is running dry.... 

Speaking of Love languages... are you & he very off on this...maybe you desire more intimate communication/ affection....you mentioned his hardly showing emotion for example.... I am betting on Temperament profiles, you are more a *FEELER* and he is a *THINKER* ....though other things could be at play here.. resentments or just a stuffing mentality - learned through his growing up yrs perhaps? ... was he always this way or it has grown worse? Has the sex life also taken a dive ? 

This is a great book for married couples struggling to find that balance with each other to strengthen their bonds......discussing the 10 core emotional needs by chapter.... using many marital examples..where a couple was missing it....and what to do to get back on track. 

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  ....



> 10 Emotional needs:
> 
> 
> 1. *Admiration*
> 2. *Affection*
> 3. *Conversation*
> 4. *Domestic support*
> 5. *Family commitment*
> 6.* Financial support*
> 7. *Honesty and openness*
> 8. *Physical attractiveness*
> 9. *Recreational companionship*
> 10. *Sexual fulfillment*










 Emotional Needs Questionnaire


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## SunshineLady

I do feel we are opposites in the emotional department, as i am very emotional, where he isnt emotional much at all. I do feel like I love deeper and feel more passionately then he does, but I also understand this has always been him, therefore i try to not take it personally. Even without all the extra emotions, I never question his love for me.


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## SimplyAmorous

SunshineLady said:


> *I do feel we are opposites in the emotional department, as i am very emotional, where he isnt emotional much at all. I do feel like I love deeper and feel more passionately then he does, but I also understand this has always been him, therefore i try to not take it personally. Even without all the extra emotions, I never question his love for me.*


You know it's funny, when I 1st started dating my husband...(he reminded me of this), I used to complain now & then that he lacked emotions -he just didn't get *AS EXCITED AS ME* over stuff...and he was always more quiet.... like I needed to stir *a fire* under him at times...

Yet I, too, always knew he loved me....Looking back... I felt this mostly through his TOUCH...and his wanting to spend TIME with me....these his 2 primary love languages .

*How does your husband SHOW his LOVE towards you mostly ? * ... could be that your love languages are off... something as simple as this, once we are alerted to it.. and step up to meet each other can really make a difference. 










Book *>>*  The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts


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## SunshineLady

I agree, a lot of our differences work very well together, he is the strong one when I am weak and I am strong where he is weak. As far as love languages go, we have both read the book and took the test. His are Quality Time and Physical Touch. Mine is Physical Touch and words. Your right, i am totally a feeler where he is a THINKER. I just bought his needs her needs on my tablet, Ill start reading tonight and hope that gives me some more insight.


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## SimplyAmorous

SunshineLady said:


> *I agree, a lot of our differences work very well together, he is the strong one when I am weak and I am strong where he is weak. As far as love languages go, we have both read the book and took the test. His are Quality Time and Physical Touch. Mine is Physical Touch and words. Your right, i am totally a feeler where he is a THINKER. I just bought his needs her needs on my tablet, Ill start reading tonight and hope that gives me some more insight.*


Sounds like a Plan :smthumbup: if he is willing to read with you , going through the book... all the better.... 

Another opposite thing of me & mine....where I could write a Book and read a Library....he struggles to write a sentence (though has joined here -probably to amuse me)...and reading... Oh my ... Forget it.. he'd be half asleep...









But he doesn't at all mind us, for instance, hanging out together on a swing, me reading him snippets of a book, so we still learn together...do some verbal give & take ....interjecting his thoughts/ feelings ...and for this, I am very appreciative...

So maybe you & he could take some time for moments like this.. with the book.


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## SimplyAmorous

*Mrs John Adams*....you & he sound A LOT like us.... Not a musician ...but I sure do love MUSIC...it soothes the soul.. 

Welcome to TAM !


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## alexm

They absolutely can, as long as the core values are similar!

The things OP mentioned were more on the outside of this, things that, at the end of the day, don't really matter. We all have our likes and dislikes, or favourite things, and things that we can't be bothered with. These things don't matter within a relationship.

They way I look at it is this: When you're pre-pubescent, you choose your friends because they like the same things you do.

When you're a teenager, you choose your friends because they have SOME things in common, but enough differences to make them interesting.

When you're in your 20's, you choose your friends because of their personality. You still have a couple of them that share the same interests with, but the rest of them just make you laugh, or they're good conversation. There are no more teenage cliques stopping the athlete from hanging out with the bookworm.

When you're in you're 30's, married with kids, your friends are the same as you. Couples, usually. You compartmentalize the rest of them - golf buddies, book club friends, shopping mates, whatever.

When you choose a mate, for life, you choose them based solely on emotional and physical attraction. Having things in common is an icebreaker, and it can lead to you having a partner that shares one or two same interests with you, which is important. But it's not the be-all, end-all. Whether you have bowling in common, or something more hardcore, like sky diving, it's still something in common. They don't have to be something that two people identify by.

But you don't choose your mate the same way you chose your friends when you were 7, or 15, or 24.

My ex wife and I had EVERYTHING in common. We were separated at birth. And as we grew together, every new thing that came along was shared. There were literally never any differences of opinion. It didn't end well. There was no variety, or spice, or conflict. It took a while but it got boring, and she ended up being the first one to bolt the marriage. Another few years, and it could have been me taking off.

My current wife is the polar opposite of me. We have a few things in common, but not a lot, really, And we have learned an INCREDIBLE amount of things from each other, and have met in the middle on so many things. That's how you grow as a person, with people who can change your life for the better, not just keep it on the same path at all times. It's never dull around here, and that's a good thing!


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## Caribbean Man

SunshineLady said:


> We have 2 kids and seem to be on the same page as far as parenting are concerned.
> 
> Is it possibly that a relationship can work with so many differences? Is this going to be a deal breaker in really having a successful marriage? Any help or insight would be greatly appreciated
> .


I think any relationship can work as long as the fundamentals values are the same.
Doesn't mean that he has to agree with everything you do and vice versa , but he must respect you and you , him. 
There will always be differences ,and one way of bridging the gaps is understanding these differences and learning to speak each other's love languages . Understanding and meeting each other's needs .
Having differences need not be a deal breaker .
We are all individuals. But as time passes by in your marriage , you'd be surprised how much in common you both have, and how sometimes your differences actually complement each other.
But it does take some work.
In the end ,both of you just really want the same thing.

To love and be loved.


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## Jetoroal

IMHO the emotional connection is what really brings people together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DadOfFour

SunshineLady said:


> They always say opposites attract. Is this true? Can opposites actually have a successful marriage? We have been together 7 years, the first 4 were great since, we have had off and on issues and he usually comes back to the fact that we don't have much in common. I'm 29 he is 37. He is into what he calls 'nerd' stuff. Horror movies, xbox ect. Im into Tv shows vs Movies, computer games vs xbox. I am a very emotional person, he hardly feels/shows emotion. He is more of a laid back very patient person, i am more of a high strung personality, but at the end of the day, i feel like a lot of these things work well together. As far as 'fun' there is still a lot that we both like, bowling, playing pool, traveling ect. We have 2 kids and seem to be on the same page as far as parenting are concerned.
> Is it possibly that a relationship can work with so many differences? Is this going to be a deal breaker in really having a successful marriage? Any help or insight would be greatly appreciated.


Yep, opposites sure do attract and can work. I'm an Aries and my wife is a Libra and we couldn't be more different, she is everything I'm not and vice versa. Saying that our morals and values are the same. Here is what our stars say and they are spot on.

Sexual Compatibility Libra and Aries


Libra and Aries:

Libra Woman and Aries Man
When the Libra woman dates an Aries man, there’s a primal attraction that can’t be denied. In every sense of the word these opposite signs complete one another. The Libra woman is the epitome of grace and refinement. She’s intellectual, social and fair. The Aries man is bold and brash. He’s headstrong, selfish and impulsive. They truly are opposites yet when they date it’s like peanut butter and jelly. Sexually, there is a palpable excitement. The Libra woman bats her eyelashes and the Aries man moves in and conquers her body and soul!

Libra Man and Aries Woman
This relationship could be a perfect love match since opposites attract and complement. The Aries woman is ruled by Mars and the Libra man is ruled by Venus which instantly creates a deep sexual attraction. The Aries woman and Libra man have much to gain from dating one another. The Aries woman will learn the art of compromise and to consider the needs of others before her own while the Libra man will learn how to define himself as an individual person outside of the relationship. The Aries woman is enamoured with the Libra man’s patience and charm and he admires his Aries woman’s passionate assertiveness to go after what she wants.

Aries and Libra are opposite signs in the zodiac so Aries is extremely attracted to Libra and vice versa. A lot of laughter and banter can be expected on their first date, and afterward it will have felt like a party. Astrologically, Aries and Libra have a primal sexual attraction. Libras are enchanting, want to be wined and dined and surrounded by the best. Libra women are masters at the art of seduction. Libra men are charming and popular with the ladies.

A long-term relationship between Aries and Libra can be truly successful. Libras like to have other people around them and love social excitement. Aries wants to be the hero of all his many friends and is on a constant hunt for adventure. Libra men and women both have strong aesthetics suggesting to Aries the importance of keeping up with fashion.

Sex with Libra is captivating. Libras are good at sex and could help Aries slow down a bit. This would give these two lovers an increased sensual experience in the bedroom. Sex with Libra has to be classy, but they are creative lovers. The most sensitive area for Aries is the head while Libra’s erogenous zone is the lower back. Caressing, even dancing, sets the stage, and sensuality is heightened in the bedroom with candles, scented oils and foreplay.

Marriage between these two zodiac lovers beats all odds. The whole relationship stays exciting because of the various things Aries and Libra can teach each other. Libra can teach Aries sophistication and elegance. Aries could also learn to think before he jumps. Libra can learn, from Aries, how to become more adventurous and outgoing.

Compatibility ensures an attractive and exciting love match. Aries and Libra both need respect, fairness and a little independence. However, both zodiac signs are determined to be at the top. Aries, the guiltiest for being controlling, already owns multiple horoscopes shouting “Stop being so bossy!” Libra, however, saves the day with compromises that end arguments and ensure continued success for the relationship.

Compatibility Rating: 5 





Note: Your compatibility with other signs of the zodiac also depends on your planets, rising signs and other astrological aspects!


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## Pooh Bear

It can, it just takes a lot of work. My husband and I have a lot of differences too. We have similarities too and we have a really strong friendship. But we have to work really hard sometimes to work through the difference.


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## changedbeliefs

Did I just read an entire post, validating the compatibility of two people in a marriage due to ASTROLOGY!???!?!? For crying out loud, you MUST be kidding me...


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## DadOfFour

changedbeliefs said:


> Did I just read an entire post, validating the compatibility of two people in a marriage due to ASTROLOGY!???!?!? For crying out loud, you MUST be kidding me...


I never follow it and someone pointed it out to me and whether or not it's true, that post is us to a tee, it couldn't get anymore truthful. We are opposites in every sense of the word.


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## changedbeliefs

ILoveMyWife&Kids said:


> I never follow it and someone pointed it out to me and whether or not it's true, that post is us to a tee, it couldn't get anymore truthful. We are opposites in every sense of the word.


"whether or not it's true" - you say that as if it's truthfulness is just kind of incidental. Whether ideas, notions, claims and theories are true is PRECISELY what matters. And astrology is not true, not at all.

"that post is us to a tee" - it's called "confirmation bias" and is one of the strongest human tendencies. We hone in on and craft subjectivities to confirm what we want to believe. However, astrology (and psychics, cold readers, etc...) is WELL known to be ambiguous enough that it makes this phenomenon very easy for the beholder.


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## Anonymous07

Well, according to psychology, opposites do not attract. The better, more accepted phrase would be "birds of a feather flock together". In other words, the more similarities you have, the better for the relationship. I remember reading a lot about it in a psychology class back in college. 

Just look at some examples of opposites: high drive and low drive couples, introverted and extroverted couples, religious and non-religious couples, etc. Yes, these couples can possibly make it work, but it's extremely difficult. The 'opposite' qualities tend to just add more problems to a marriage instead of helping it. It's a lot of added stress that doesn't need to be there.


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## changedbeliefs

As to the issue itself - sorry, critical thinking side tracks me - I'll add my two cents...one at a time, lol:

1) I am highly inclined to believe that couples need to have things in common. Sure, the occasional "other point of view" may be helpful, maybe help someone venture into things they wouldn't otherwise, but in ANY relationship, we seek out people similar to us. Why would marriage be anything other than the best example of that?

2) The question itself only highlights how useless most advice is, and how there isn't any real good rule of thumb for any situation. "Birds of a feather," "opposite attract," couples should do everything together, yet "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and on and on. I think the only "always true" thing is, that your spouse needs to have the same vision of marriage that you do, whatever that is, which god knows could be 10,000 different things. The more I read around here, the more I believe we all have very little useful information to add. I am always willing to share my experiences, and share what and why things work or don't work for me....but I try to be careful to never actually advise someone that the same thing will work for them, or that I have discovered any secret to life, marriage or parenthood.


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## SimplyAmorous

changedbeliefs said:


> As to the issue itself - sorry, critical thinking side tracks me - I'll add my two cents...one at a time, lol:
> 
> 1) I am highly inclined to believe that couples need to have things in common. Sure, the occasional "other point of view" may be helpful, maybe help someone venture into things they wouldn't otherwise, but in ANY relationship, we seek out people similar to us. Why would marriage be anything other than the best example of that?
> 
> 2) *The question itself only highlights how useless most advice is, and how there isn't any real good rule of thumb for any situation. "Birds of a feather," "opposite attract," couples should do everything together, yet "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and on and on. ** I think the only "always true" thing is, that your spouse needs to have the same vision of marriage that you do, whatever that is, which god knows could be 10,000 different things. * The more I read around here, the more I believe we all have very little useful information to add. I am always willing to share my experiences, and share what and why things work or don't work for me...*.but I try to be careful to never actually advise someone that the same thing will work for them, or that I have discovered any secret to life, marriage or parenthood.*


So very true.. We are one of those who enjoy doing everything together ...when I read of those who NEED the have space apart to keep it interesting.. this would annoy myself & husband more than help us.. 

I like this saying...


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## Yeswecan

SunshineLady said:


> They always say opposites attract. Is this true? Can opposites actually have a successful marriage? We have been together 7 years, the first 4 were great since, we have had off and on issues and he usually comes back to the fact that we don't have much in common. I'm 29 he is 37. He is into what he calls 'nerd' stuff. Horror movies, xbox ect. Im into Tv shows vs Movies, computer games vs xbox. I am a very emotional person, he hardly feels/shows emotion. He is more of a laid back very patient person, i am more of a high strung personality, but at the end of the day, i feel like a lot of these things work well together. As far as 'fun' there is still a lot that we both like, bowling, playing pool, traveling ect. We have 2 kids and seem to be on the same page as far as parenting are concerned.
> Is it possibly that a relationship can work with so many differences? Is this going to be a deal breaker in really having a successful marriage? Any help or insight would be greatly appreciated.


Very definitely. My W is like you. Movies, TV programs that play weekly. I'm the video game playing car mechanic. However, it works for us quite well. Sure, I enjoy watching programs with my W as well as movies but it is not really my cup of tea Sure, she likes to go to car shows with me but it is not her cup of tea. For us, these are more like a hobby. Although we like to shop and go places(adventures) for the day. Visit museums, antique shops and craft stores, etc. Gardening. So, we have things in common as well. It makes us well rounded and compliments us both for our kids. When she goes to my activities she sees new things. When I go to her types of activities I see new things that I would not have seen if she did not ask me to go. 

Married 21 years this April.


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## Yeswecan

alexm said:


> They absolutely can, as long as the core values are similar!


:iagree:


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## Yeswecan

changedbeliefs said:


> Did I just read an entire post, validating the compatibility of two people in a marriage due to ASTROLOGY!???!?!? For crying out loud, you MUST be kidding me...


I just throw the bones.


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## Fitnessfan

SunshineLady said:


> They always say opposites attract. Is this true? Can opposites actually have a successful marriage? We have been together 7 years, the first 4 were great since, we have had off and on issues and he usually comes back to the fact that we don't have much in common. I'm 29 he is 37. He is into what he calls 'nerd' stuff. Horror movies, xbox ect. Im into Tv shows vs Movies, computer games vs xbox. I am a very emotional person, he hardly feels/shows emotion. He is more of a laid back very patient person, i am more of a high strung personality, but at the end of the day, i feel like a lot of these things work well together. As far as 'fun' there is still a lot that we both like, bowling, playing pool, traveling ect. We have 2 kids and seem to be on the same page as far as parenting are concerned.
> Is it possibly that a relationship can work with so many differences? Is this going to be a deal breaker in really having a successful marriage? Any help or insight would be greatly appreciated.


For me I had to embrace the differences and the things about him that are so different from me. I like to do everything outside and am very active. He doesn't like hiking and snowboarding very much but is more of a do board games and stuff like that. However, I've learned to love to have a beer and play some games with him and he's learned to love to hike and board with me. We bring different things to the table and our personalities are different but we really enjoy each others company so we try to break out of the comfort zone and experience with the other has to offer.


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