# My husband wants a divorce, I do not



## duckling

Hello everyone. This is is my first post.

My husband and I have been married over 12 years. We have been friend for over 20. We have two young kids. Over the past 4 years, I have developed into an Alcoholic. I am now in, and fully committed to, recovery. He is not the type to go to Al-anon, but I know he did not want to be divorced in his life. But now he is preparing to get out without working on us even though I am changing and have grown. 

How do I prepare for the worst, and hope for the best without going crazy with th emotional torture. I am devastated at the thought of our family blowing up. Our kids will be shattered. I see a chance for reconciliation but he has to want to entertain the thought and his family has always wanted me out of the picture once I had my kids. I served my purpose for them,and the only support they ever offer is to enable him to rush out the door.


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## PBear

What reason is he giving for wanting to divorce?

C


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## duckling

He only says that he can't trust me and he's angry that I've ruined what he's worked hard for. He really doesn't talk about it other than financials and the kids. There is a lot that has gone back and forth between us, but I feel there is enough that we have had together to at least give real counseling a try. There is a lot of practical unfinished business and whether we divorce or not, I feel we need to give the whole thing time. We owe it to ourselves and our kids. I don't know...


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## Bobby5000

To be honest, it seems like you are primarily at fault. You have wasted a lot of money, and have an alcohol problem. Your post doesn't really acknowledge this but blames his family, at least in part, for pointing this out. 

I think you have to decide whether you are ready to make dramatic changes, and create a plan to do so. As you note, there are going to be a lot of dramatic changes, financial changes, visitation, etc, with a divorce, and perhaps he owes it to his children and marriage to see if there can be real change.


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## Cherry

duckling said:


> He only says that he can't trust me and he's angry that I've ruined what he's worked hard for. He really doesn't talk about it other than financials and the kids. *There is a lot that has gone back and forth between us, but I feel there is enough that we have had together to at least give real counseling a try.* There is a lot of practical unfinished business and whether we divorce or not, I feel we need to give the whole thing time. We owe it to ourselves and our kids. I don't know...


I agree from what you've told us. If you have a 12 year marriage and the last 4 have been turbulent, but you've not tried any counseling, it doesn't seem fair to your marriage. His family needs to butt out and he can't listen to what they want for him. Addiction is real and quite frankly I feel like the 4 years is a drop in the bucket compared to the length of your marriage and if you're committed to sobriety, your H should be willing to give it a shot. 

All that said, I do not know the extent of what you've done in the 4 years. For me, when I drank during our marriage, I got mean and confrontational and accusatory, etc... I didn't spend a lot on my addiction (comparatively speaking to things like crack or meth), nor did I cheat or anything like that. And it didn't help that my H enjoyed my drinking to an extent (things like uninhibited sex) and never really voiced a concern UNTIL he kicked me out of the house. All of a sudden, he's pointing out to everyone and the courts that I'm an alcoholic and he's done with me. 

What does your H say to counseling? Is it just a flat out no? If that's the case, you need to shift your focus to you and your kids and keep doing what you are doing for your sobriety. I imagine you are well aware of the mistakes you made during active addiction, and if you're done, all of that will get further and further away and perhaps your H will see how serious you are about all of that being in the past. 

Just throwing out some thoughts


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## duckling

Cherry said:


> For me, when I drank during our marriage, I got mean and confrontational and accusatory, etc... I didn't spend a lot on my addiction (comparatively speaking to things like crack or meth), nor did I cheat or anything like that. And it didn't help that my H enjoyed my drinking to an extent (things like uninhibited sex)


This is so true for me as well. The expense comes from items broken during our major fights. Right now he is stuck on the surface of things, fully aware that it runs deeper than that, but nowhere near trying to handle it on that level. He runs away from stuff like that. One of the big reasons that he wanted me was that I did all the "communicating" so that he never had to go there. It worked for a while, but now that has to change, married or not, for all four of us.


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