# Husband won't focus on his ejaculation.



## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Great sex to me means both reaching maximum satisfaction together but my husband enjoys focus on giving me as many orgasms as possible. He would go at a fast speed for 20-30 mins non stop intercourse only to give me lots of orgasms and himself exhausted. In the end, he's too tired to ejaculate. I'm tired, too, but he's happy to see he made me tired. 
He usually finishes his energy and his penis goes back to sleep after such sweating exercise.
I told him many times to focus on himself to reach his satisfaction and he said ok ok but he never wants to focus on his ejaculation unless I tell him I'm in ovulation time, for making babies, then he would. 
The reason is we need different speed of reaching our orgasms. He worried if he slows down I wouldn't feel good and wouldn't reach orgasms.
I told him I enjoy slow speed as well but he didn't buy it.
I can't complain or make it an issue because he really works very hard to make me happy. I appreciated his love but I can't feel fully fulfilled without seeing him reach his maximum satisfaction.
Is it possible men without ejaculation can be satisfied?
Is there a way to help him ejaculate? My husband likes to take the lead in bed. I want to give him blow job to help him get it off but he feels lying there like a woman is a turn-off.
What should I do?
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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I think he needs a long time to reach his orgasms, probably 15-20 mins only at his favor speed, which is slow. Is there any pill he can take to make him ejaculate faster? I asked my doctor, but he said most ppl want to make it last longer as an opposite result. So no pills.
How's it possible?
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## sailor (Feb 5, 2011)

if his penis becomes limp after sometime it means he already has ejaculated, just tell him to be more expressive and moan and let u know when he is cuming.I believe most girls love to see/hear/experience their partner cum and in the process they cum themselves.
other idea is masturbate for him and BJ will also help to make him exited a lot then ask him to penetrate u, then he may come faster;-)
:smthumbup:


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

He is not turned on by you and considers sex work.

He is simply having sex only to please you....like going to a job that you don't like.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sailor, just because his penis went limp, it doesn't mean he's ejaculated. It simply means his penis went limp. Could be that he started thinking about work, or whatever. Depending on the guy, there should be some other evidence rather than a limp penis.

I also wouldn't buy the "he's not turned on by you" idea as the only option... It's a possibility, but I'm not sure it's the most likely.

I'd guess that he's got some concerns/issues with his performance and your pleasure. In general, this is probably a good thing. Better than him not worrying about your satisfaction at all. He also seems to have some insecurities with regards to "being a man", if he's not wanting you to give him a BJ because lying back is like being a woman. Will he let you be on top at all?

Maybe you could be more expressive when he does go slow. Try to control his movements more (hands on his hips, legs around waist, etc) to slow him down, and lots of noises/sounds/etc to let him know you like that too. If you have any toys, you could put on a "show" for him, demonstrating that you can have an orgasm without friction burns, and that you like slower sometimes too.

You could try sitting him down, and say something like "Look, buddy... You like it when I have an orgasm, right? Makes you feel sexy, and that you've done a good job? Well, I like that too... I want to know that you're satisfied." See where that goes. Sounds like you've tried that, but keep on it.

As far as being satified without ejaculating... Yes, I think you can. Same as women sometimes can be satisified with a sexual encounter without having an orgasm. The satisfaction of their partner is what makes them happy. As a regular diet though? I probably wouldn't want to be on the giving end exclusively. Although as a guy (at my age), I'm limited to one or two orgasms in a session, whereas a receptive partner? Pretty much as many as she'd like. And I'm VERY happy with that still... But if I didn't at all? I'd be questioning my performance.

C


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## lucky_guy (Jan 23, 2011)

MsLonely said:


> Great sex to me means both reaching maximum satisfaction together but my husband enjoys focus on giving me as many orgasms as possible. He would go at a fast speed for 20-30 mins non stop intercourse only to give me lots of orgasms and himself exhausted. In the end, he's too tired to ejaculate. I'm tired, too, but he's happy to see he made me tired.
> He usually finishes his energy and his penis goes back to sleep after such sweating exercise.
> I told him many times to focus on himself to reach his satisfaction and he said ok ok but he never wants to focus on his ejaculation unless I tell him I'm in ovulation time, for making babies, then he would.
> The reason is we need different speed of reaching our orgasms. He worried if he slows down I wouldn't feel good and wouldn't reach orgasms.
> ...


For many men, humping is the way to satisfy their partner.

OMG, you are cursed with having a husband that is devoted to your sexual satisfaction and enjoyment. 

BJ's, try a different location and surprise him. How about the classic "him standing with you kneeling" ? That way he's retaining his masculinity 

As for mutual orgasm - my W and I abandoned this notion from the moment we met, preferring instead to make things satisfying for both of us. We have found it easier since there is no "pressure" to do things on a perceived timetable.

As for "satisfaction without orgasm" - I'm post-op prostate cancer and have ED. While we know that I can orgasm, penetration is impossible and we have both found other ways to make things work. And yes, she can REALLY satisfy me without me having an O.

Just my experience, other people's mileage will vary

Putting it a different way, HOW WONDERFUL that you have a husband dedicated to your sexual satisfaction and well-being !!!

From some of the other posts here, you are very, very lucky.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

I agree with lucky. I would say sex for a guy is 50% the enjoyment of getting his lover off and 50% getting yourself off. Many guys get even more enjoyment out of getting his partner off, I can totally see that. If he is getting a lot of enjoyment out of it then just enjoy it yourself. That being the case though, if you get that same enjoyment out if giving then he should understand and let you take a turn on him.
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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Hmmm, I'm the same as your man, I get more satisfaction by satisfying my gf, then reaching an orgasm myself (but I still like it a lot). She on the other hand likes pleasuring me, but still enjoys the attention she receives in bed. 

I think that the fact that he is so focussed on getting you to O (multiple times) is keeping him from reaching one as well. Taking things slower might actually be beneficial.

You could try using a toy, slowly on yourself, have him watch and show him that you enjoy it, even without orgasming. Then have him use it, but keep going slow. 

Something else that could help is during doggy (is this too graphic, just asking) have him stop and then move by yourself slowly. Tell him that if he moves, you will have to stop and punish him with a BJ or something. Might make it kinda kinky for him, while again, learning that you enjoy it slow.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Thank you very much for all your good and precious inputs. 
I feel lucky to have a husband who cares about my orgasms more than his, but being too lucky makes me worry. Is it possible in the long run, he would feel too consumed and over used in bed? Sex can't always be great without his own climax. 
I'm happy to try out something new and willing to focus on pleasing him, striptease, blow job, and then cowgirl, but he complained and told me it's good but he preferred to take the lead. I felt rejected.
Basically, he doesn't want me to work. Once in a while, if he lets me please him, it means because I beg him and bug him enough to hump him, so he would put up with me only because he loves me and let me do what I like but only once in a while.
I'm very confused and I found myself getting bored with his routine. I don't mean I don't enjoy his work. It's getting old that I can only enjoy lying there and moan.
He doesn't even care to change positions. He sticks to 1 position he can handle to go for 30 mins to give me as many orgasms as well.
I do like orgasms but I don't feel fulfilled to see him no climax. The thing is that I can't make it an issue. I will try the kinky and fun punishment games to see if he takes it. His weenee goes back to sleep after 30 mins constantly running, for he's physically tired and he sweats like a pig and eventually loses the focus to maintain its hardness. We always do at midnight, he feels sleepy after such bedroom exercise. But after 30 mins I'm dead, too! He just wanted to make sure I'm dead with orgasms. That's his purpose and target. I feel so wired.
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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

bluesky said:


> He is not turned on by you and considers sex work.
> 
> He is simply having sex only to please you....like going to a job that you don't like.


I questioned him about the same thing. He told me I'm wrong. If he only do a job, he should focus on his own happiness and quickly get it done. If no turned on how to get it hard?
So there's enough stimulation for him.
But I'm still wondering the same.
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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

PBear said:


> Sailor, just because his penis went limp, it doesn't mean he's ejaculated. It simply means his penis went limp. Could be that he started thinking about work, or whatever. Depending on the guy, there should be some other evidence rather than a limp penis.
> 
> I also wouldn't buy the "he's not turned on by you" idea as the only option... It's a possibility, but I'm not sure it's the most likely.
> 
> ...


Yes I think he has issue with his performance.
He worries his tool goes limp at unexpected time so he wants to take everything under his control including the timing for IC.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

lucky_guy said:


> For many men, humping is the way to satisfy their partner.
> 
> OMG, you are cursed with having a husband that is devoted to your sexual satisfaction and enjoyment.
> 
> ...


I give him bj at that position as well in the bathroom as a foreplay.
I think that made he worried what if he's hard but after bathroom, we dry up and when get ready to move to the bed, it goes back to sleep. 
He always has such worries even he's with a viagra, he's worrying same.
I don't know but I think he's under pressure.
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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Draguna said:


> Hmmm, I'm the same as your man, I get more satisfaction by satisfying my gf, then reaching an orgasm myself (but I still like it a lot). She on the other hand likes pleasuring me, but still enjoys the attention she receives in bed.
> 
> I think that the fact that he is so focussed on getting you to O (multiple times) is keeping him from reaching one as well. Taking things slower might actually be beneficial.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your inputs and insights! I appreciated very much! I will try out your idea about the toy making the speed feel like a kinky game and see what happens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

hubby said:


> I agree with lucky. I would say sex for a guy is 50% the enjoyment of getting his lover off and 50% getting yourself off. Many guys get even more enjoyment out of getting his partner off, I can totally see that. If he is getting a lot of enjoyment out of it then just enjoy it yourself. That being the case though, if you get that same enjoyment out if giving then he should understand and let you take a turn on him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for the clue. I have to figure out what my husband think about his and my satisfaction.
Guess we need to communicate about this topic without making him feel I'm complaining about his great performance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

lucky_guy said:


> For many men, humping is the way to satisfy their partner.
> 
> OMG, you are cursed with having a husband that is devoted to your sexual satisfaction and enjoyment.
> 
> ...


Thanks! I know I'm too lucky to talk about my worries with him.
Do you think he wants to show me everything he does perfectly and devoted to marriage as the greatest husband in the world, so that I won't complain or turn to an EA again?
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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Wait, you had an EA? How long ago? This may have something to do with his wanting to please you and not lose you. Was this an issue before the EA?
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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

My husband always knew my EA since the start, it lasted 3 years. He knew it but he's suffering from low testosterone at that time. He has very little sexual interests. During these 3 years we're sexless. He recieved T injection and lost some weights. Now he's much healthier but maybe not yet fully recovered his confidence. 4 months ago, I joined this forum and decided to work on my marriage. So we then began our new journey in resolving sexless issue.
We communicated a lot and I was the one pushing him to communicate. He was very defensive and not willing to discuss at first. Slowly, I let him understand I don't want to live in the rest of my life fantasizing about the OM and I want to enjoy sex with him.
Then I also propose to try new positions 69 and blow jobs. Very basic things in the bedroom but we're not doing anymore.
The process was tearful and rocky but finally all the hard work paid off. He's changed a lot. Now we date and at least once a week, we have fun and get laid.
From not giving attention about my sexual needs to now being too focus on my orgasms.
He said he didn't think my EA cheating. He put all the blames on not being loving enough.
So now he's working his butt off to make me happy in bed.
I told him many times I also want to make him happy in bed but he's somehow not confident or what. I'm not very sure.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Ok, it is making more sense now. Sounds like you just need to give him reassurance. He is trying desperately to please you, keep you from having an affair as well as compensate for when we was not able to be there sexually. 

You need to constantly tell him how awesome he is, in and out of the bedroom. How sexy he is, how sexy he makes you feel. Over time his confidence will build and he will feel like he DESERVES to be pleased by you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Ok, the best thing you can do is to stop pressuring him to enjoy sex in the way you expect him to.

If you were a guy doing this to their lady I think people would jump all over you.

Personally, I wouldn't want to react as he is. At some point there'd be too much frustration.

However, his response is HIS response.

Just enjoy your many, many orgasms.


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## lucky_guy (Jan 23, 2011)

michzz said:


> Ok, the best thing you can do is to stop pressuring him to enjoy sex in the way you expect him to.
> 
> If you were a guy doing this to their lady I think people would jump all over you.
> 
> ...


Oh I *totally* agree. Sex is a personal experience. How can you tell someone how to enjoy it??!!


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

My husband is the same - he will keep going till I can't take it anymore. He also likes to take the lead. He has no problems with me being assertive in bed. However if I was aggressive about it, this would be a complete turnoff for him. I am not grumbling 

Figure out your husband's buttons. Once you do then in order for him to cum you won't really need to _do _anything. In my case, when I see my husband is into it, all I have to do is say something that I know will put him over the edge/point of no return. 

Having said that, I also used to have a problem with him sometimes not cumming. That was right at the beginning of our relationship. We would have sex, he would completely exhaust me, but he himself would choose not to cum. I talked to him about it. He told me that sometimes cumming is not important for him as much as the journey to it. In other words, he drew much more sexual satisfaction in making me cum than in his own orgasm. 

Enjoy that


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

hubby said:


> Ok, it is making more sense now. Sounds like you just need to give him reassurance. He is trying desperately to please you, keep you from having an affair as well as compensate for when we was not able to be there sexually.
> 
> You need to constantly tell him how awesome he is, in and out of the bedroom. How sexy he is, how sexy he makes you feel. Over time his confidence will build and he will feel like he DESERVES to be pleased by you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you for your inputs. I should have given more appreciation and told him how awesome and sexy he is. 

I have been too focusing on his ejaculation issue more than him.

Maybe it's part of my nature. I enjoy pleasing man and watching him get off for me.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

That is the crux of it. Ultimately, a person's climax, while a shared experience, is their own.
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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

reachingshore said:


> My husband is the same - he will keep going till I can't take it anymore. He also likes to take the lead. He has no problems with me being assertive in bed. However if I was aggressive about it, this would be a complete turnoff for him. I am not grumbling
> 
> Figure out your husband's buttons. Once you do then in order for him to cum you won't really need to _do _anything. In my case, when I see my husband is into it, all I have to do is say something that I know will put him over the edge/point of no return.
> 
> ...


I still don't know where is his button and how to help him to reach climax faster.

He's all about he wanted to make me happy. I feel sex has lost its focus. It focus too much on my orgasms. 

To reach his target, he doesn't change position, same foreplay, same stimulation...only to wake up his tool and get it to work.

I'm actually getting bored.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Hmmm... Yeah... That EA thing might have made him overcompensate, as he took all the blame on him. I don't know if this works, but is he turned on by dirty messages? If so, next to telling him he's sexy, also text him during inappropriate moments what you would like him to do, to do to him and how much he turns you on and that you want to see his face as he comes. You know, make it as dirty as possible. 

Porn could also help, but seeing as he might still feel a bit guilty, it could be a bad choice.
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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

That's a good suggestion. I will try to sms him naughty stuffs I think he likes them.
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