# Wife and I separated a week ago



## Croberson (10 mo ago)

My wife and I have struggled in our relationship for some time now. We’ve tried to work on our marriage and I think that was successful. But then a week ago, we separated. And I realized that we worked on our marriage but not our friendship. Which was always the strongest part of our relationship. We were best friends who talked about everything for a long time before we ever started dating. When the miscarriage happened, I immediately wanted to talk about it but she didn’t. And then when she wanted to talk, I couldn’t anymore. Ten days later, the army sent me on a 30 day mission and took my phone. She was in a dark place and cheated on me. I forgave her as a spouse, but never as a friend. It’s been years now, and last week we separated. She said I’ll always be her best friend, but she can’t go on like this, not feeling in love with me the way she use to. She’s also dealing with finding out a few weeks back that she likely has pancreatic cancer. Since the split, we’ve talked every day. The first few days, it was forced and a little awkward. More recently, things have felt more natural and friendly. We’ve even hung out a couple of times. I think this is good, but I’m also very split. Because I know that she’s exploring the dating pool and it kills me inside. My hope is that we can get back to being friends. Our friendship is honestly more important to me than a relationship. And someday reconcile. But first, friends. Because that was always the thing that made us stand out as a couple was that we were friends first. We were able to work through anything before the miscarriage because of it. I don’t know what to do. Our 3 kids stayed with me when she left and it kills me inside when they ask about their mom and I don’t know what to tell them. Does anyone have any advice or just some encouraging words?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Croberson said:


> My wife and I have struggled in our relationship for some time now. We’ve tried to work on our marriage and I think that was successful. But then a week ago, we separated. And I realized that we worked on our marriage but not our friendship. Which was always the strongest part of our relationship. We were best friends who talked about everything for a long time before we ever started dating. When the miscarriage happened, I immediately wanted to talk about it but she didn’t. And then when she wanted to talk, I couldn’t anymore. Ten days later, the army sent me on a 30 day mission and took my phone. She was in a dark place and cheated on me. I forgave her as a spouse, but never as a friend. It’s been years now, and last week we separated. She said I’ll always be her best friend, but she can’t go on like this, not feeling in love with me the way she use to. She’s also dealing with finding out a few weeks back that she likely has pancreatic cancer. Since the split, we’ve talked every day. The first few days, it was forced and a little awkward. More recently, things have felt more natural and friendly. We’ve even hung out a couple of times. I think this is good, but I’m also very split. Because I know that she’s exploring the dating pool and it kills me inside. My hope is that we can get back to being friends. Our friendship is honestly more important to me than a relationship. And someday reconcile. But first, friends. Because that was always the thing that made us stand out as a couple was that we were friends first. We were able to work through anything before the miscarriage because of it. I don’t know what to do. Our 3 kids stayed with me when she left and it kills me inside when they ask about their mom and I don’t know what to tell them. Does anyone have any advice or just some encouraging words?


I’m sorry you’re in this situation.
It sounds terrible, and I have to say you’ve got one helleva road in front of you.

I’m not sure I could take the running around so patiently. I’d have to draw the line there, no matter the cause. Divorce would be my choice. And I probably wouldn’t want to be friends. Jody would pay.

But the cancer thing complicates everything. Is that a done deal or still a maybe?

How long have you been married?
How many kids? Ages?

Are you still at risk for deployment or is that done?


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## Croberson (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I’m sorry you’re in this situation.
> It sounds terrible, and I have to say you’ve got one helleva road in front of you.
> 
> I’m not sure I could take the running around so patiently. I’d have to draw the line there, no matter the cause. Divorce would be my choice. And I probably wouldn’t want to be friends. Jody would pay.
> ...


they haven’t run the tests for the cancer yet. But they did some testing to confirm the initial results of extremely high levels of glucose in her urine. Which is typically caused by pancreatic cancer. Due to the stress that it puts on the pancreas, it will release more insulin into your body than needed and you can’t make use of all of it. It’s not 100% but very likely, and her mom passed from pancreatic cancer back in 2011. We were best friends for almost 2 years (talked and hung out every day) before we decided to give us a shot. Then dated for 3 years, married for close to 5 now. 3 kids, ages 10/4/2


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## Croberson (10 mo ago)

Croberson said:


> they haven’t run the tests for the cancer yet. But they did some testing to confirm the initial results of extremely high levels of glucose in her urine. Which is typically caused by pancreatic cancer. Due to the stress that it puts on the pancreas, it will release more insulin into your body than needed and you can’t make use of all of it. It’s not 100% but very likely, and her mom passed from pancreatic cancer back in 2011. We were best friends for almost 2 years (talked and hung out every day) before we decided to give us a shot. Then dated for 3 years, married for close to 5 now. 3 kids, ages 10/4/2


I’m not at risk of deployment, im actually getting medically separated sometime in the next year.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Croberson said:


> I’m not at risk of deployment, im actually getting medically separated sometime in the next year.


Well, if you’ve decided on this path for yourself regarding W, then I would suggest you start finding some things to do with the boys… go hang out a bar and shoot pool or something. Get your mind off what she’s doing.

And I’d really like you to rethink the ‘friend’ thing. That will be super-hard for you, knowing how she’s spending nights and then smiling all pretty to you. I can’t imagine.

How much are the kids aware, especially 10yo? I mean, you said they ask about mommy but are they aware she’s not coming back? Does she see them at all?


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## Croberson (10 mo ago)

I’ve been back and forth on the friend thing like a roller coaster. I know it will be hard, but it’s important to me to be there for her. When I look at her this last week, I don’t see her as my wife that left and is exploring the idea of a new relationship. I see my friend who is dealing with a crisis in a bad way. But I can’t tell her that obviously. It’s only when I’m not busy with the kids or actively engaged in a conversation with her that I have negative feelings about what she’s doing. The younger two aren’t really aware. Our 4 year old doesn’t ask about her much (only a few times this last week) and our youngest I think isn’t capable of understanding it. She’s still coming out of her object permanence phase. Our 10 year old on the other hand, we sat her down and told her we were separating. Mostly because she started asking questions the first night that my wife slept somewhere else. She has seen our oldest a few times since leaving. But only the younger 2 once. 
I also feel like I should note that 2 years ago, she had cancer in her jawline. They removed it. And she told me that if she ever got cancer, she would leave. Because she watched her mom go through it and doesn’t want her kids to have to watch her go through it. I don’t know how much that could be in play. And I think it’s a really bad way to go about this if that’s what’s going on in her mind. But with everything else going on, I don’t think trying to talk about that with her is really on the table right now.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Survival rate for pancreatic cancer was 6% 10 years ago. Now it's 9%. That's 5 years after being diagnosed, 91% of pancreatic cancer patients have died. Just an FYI while you decide what's important.


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## Croberson (10 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> Survival rate for pancreatic cancer was 6% 10 years ago. Now it's 9%. That's 5 years after being diagnosed, 91% of pancreatic cancer patients have died. Just an FYI while you decide what's important.


Thank you. I’ve done a lot of research into it as well. If they are able to remove the pancreas, it could give her another 5-6 years from that point. It’s a lot to take in and consider. I thought we would make these decisions together. And decide what’s best for the kids in regard to this issue together. I am trying so hard to understand where her head is at. I feel helpless, and I don’t know what to do..


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Croberson said:


> I’ve been back and forth on the friend thing like a roller coaster. I know it will be hard, but it’s important to me to be there for her. When I look at her this last week, I don’t see her as my wife that left and is exploring the idea of a new relationship. I see my friend who is dealing with a crisis in a bad way. But I can’t tell her that obviously. It’s only when I’m not busy with the kids or actively engaged in a conversation with her that I have negative feelings about what she’s doing. The younger two aren’t really aware. Our 4 year old doesn’t ask about her much (only a few times this last week) and our youngest I think isn’t capable of understanding it. She’s still coming out of her object permanence phase. Our 10 year old on the other hand, we sat her down and told her we were separating. Mostly because she started asking questions the first night that my wife slept somewhere else. She has seen our oldest a few times since leaving. But only the younger 2 once.
> I also feel like I should note that 2 years ago, she had cancer in her jawline. They removed it. And she told me that if she ever got cancer, she would leave. Because she watched her mom go through it and doesn’t want her kids to have to watch her go through it. I don’t know how much that could be in play. And I think it’s a really bad way to go about this if that’s what’s going on in her mind. But with everything else going on, I don’t think trying to talk about that with her is really on the table right now.


My wife passed from breast cancer and I would have crawled through broken glass to make 5 minutes of her life easier.
I feel your pain about supporting her.

I guess you really shouldn't do anything different right now until that diagnosis is settled for good or bad.

I still think you should put as much emotional distance as you can with her right now. Even if you're helping support her while going through this. Protect yourself emotionally and do what you can.

The unfortunate truth is that people make bad choices all the time even when there's clearly a right and wrong.
She is making bad choices right now. And there are consequences for that. Loosing your affections is one of them.

If she does test positive, you're likely going to have a 'double whammy'
Losing her in the first place, and then losing her permanently.

If she tests negative, you still have 1 whammy.
She's gone.

So protect your heart.

10yo that must be hard for her. That's really young to deal with this. But she saw it happening real-time so honesty is best for sure.


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## Croberson (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> My wife passed from breast cancer and I would have crawled through broken glass to make 5 minutes of her life easier.
> I feel your pain about supporting her.
> 
> I guess you really shouldn't do anything different right now until that diagnosis is settled for good or bad.
> ...


Thank you for the advice, I’m going to think on what you said. And I’m really sorry to hear about your wife. 
My 10 year old, I feel awful for. She’s trying to stay strong and she’s always coming up to me and giving me a hug, telling me it will be okay. But I know she’s struggling. I need to stay focused. It’s hard.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Croberson said:


> Thank you for the advice, I’m going to think on what you said. And I’m really sorry to hear about your wife.
> My 10 year old, I feel awful for. She’s trying to stay strong and she’s always coming up to me and giving me a hug, telling me it will be okay. But I know she’s struggling. I need to stay focused. It’s hard.


yea my heart feels for you guy about that 10yo. Be strong for her. 😢 

Now is the time to guard your family with your life.
Rise above the crap that is happening and put them first no mater what and no matter how you feel about it.

I would also say you should keep posting here on TAM.
There are a lot of super-smart people that have been through _everything _and survived.
Plus it helps just to talk it out.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’d stop trying to be friends with her and not divorce her, but just sit on things for a while.
As far as marriage, it’s done. It was done when she cheated and a perfect example why— because once those feelings for her husband are gone, they just never return. She’d probably WANT to love you knowing she has cancer, but can’t force herself. Why do you insist on forcing yourself on her when she has betrayed you and told you she doesn’t love you? My advice would be to forget divorcing her and just patiiently detach.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

She is brushed by death and she will reevaluate everything immediately. The future has become now and if now isn’t what she wants then she will change it. This is at the forefront of her mind and nothing else. All value of other things is lost …. Permanent??? Temporary????


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## Croberson (10 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> She is brushed by death and she will reevaluate everything immediately. The future has become now and if now isn’t what she wants then she will change it. This is at the forefront of her mind and nothing else. All value of other things is lost …. Permanent??? Temporary????


I don’t know. When I asked if the separation was just a trial one she said she didn’t know.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Croberson said:


> I don’t know. When I asked if the separation was just a trial one she said she didn’t know.


That is the default answer always. Why would she say it isn’t a trial? What advantage would that be to her …. absolutely none. Of course she will leave that door open a little especially when she knows you are so eager to take her back. She may be sick but she isn’t dumb.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Croberson said:


> I don’t know. When I asked if the separation was just a trial one she said she didn’t know.


Sorry to be direct dude, but you can't be thinking of letting her come back after she trial runs the neighborhood are you?

I mean I wouldn't divorce her if she's terminal but you're worth more than Plan B aren't you?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Croberson said:


> I don’t know. When I asked if the separation was just a trial one she said she didn’t know.


I’ll help you out. She has separated because she :
Has cheated on you and likes chasing men
Doesn’t love you…. Has told you so.
Nobody wants to tell the oerson they once swore to love that “no, hard head, it’s not a trial separation, I don’t live you like I said and I’m leaving you” because then you’d hate her and not be there in her pocket when she likely needs you.

SHE DOESN’T LOVE YOU. 
stop letting her manipulate you. Stop giving her power over you. She doesn’t care about you. Until you wrap your head around that, you can’t heal. 2x4 given. Sorry, I know you’re hurting. Which is why I say get away and stay away from her. She betrayed you when you were serving your country. Don’t be a lovesick puppy. I know how that feels.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Sorry to be direct dude, but you can't be thinking of letting her come back after she trial runs the neighborhood are you?
> 
> I mean I wouldn't divorce her if she's terminal but you're worth more than Plan B aren't you?


Can you divorce her is she has cancer? I think you can. I don't know. The well-being of the child is a real concern with a mother possibly terminally ill at 10 yrs old. That is going to affect how you feel about the world forever.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

uwe.blab said:


> Can you divorce her is she has cancer? I think you can. I don't know. The well-being of the child is a real concern with a mother possibly terminally ill at 10 yrs old. That is going to affect how you feel about the world forever.


Yes, I believe you can as long as she can properly represent herself. <local laws of course may vary>
But that's just cruel, adding that on top of cancer. No one should ever do that to the other.
Plus division of property gets weird.

Agree 100% on well being of the children.
This will be torture for them no matter what. Mommy is gone. And she might be gone gone if things go bad. 

OP you might start planning on therapy for the 10yo if things do go south.
Or maybe anyway.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Croberson said:


> I’ve been back and forth on the friend thing like a roller coaster. I know it will be hard, but it’s important to me to be there for her. When I look at her this last week, I don’t see her as my wife that left and is exploring the idea of a new relationship. I see my friend who is dealing with a crisis in a bad way. But I can’t tell her that obviously. It’s only when I’m not busy with the kids or actively engaged in a conversation with her that I have negative feelings about what she’s doing. The younger two aren’t really aware. Our 4 year old doesn’t ask about her much (only a few times this last week) and our youngest I think isn’t capable of understanding it. She’s still coming out of her object permanence phase. Our 10 year old on the other hand, we sat her down and told her we were separating. Mostly because she started asking questions the first night that my wife slept somewhere else. She has seen our oldest a few times since leaving. But only the younger 2 once.
> I also feel like I should note that 2 years ago, she had cancer in her jawline. They removed it. And she told me that if she ever got cancer, she would leave. Because she watched her mom go through it and doesn’t want her kids to have to watch her go through it. I don’t know how much that could be in play. And I think it’s a really bad way to go about this if that’s what’s going on in her mind. But with everything else going on, I don’t think trying to talk about that with her is really on the table right now.


Why do you want to be friends with someone who cheated on you, left her kids and is out dating other guys --- which is killing you. A FRIEND would not do that to another friend. 
She wants you hanging around just to be there when SHE needs you to be there for her.
She would leave because she got cancer and wouldn't want her kids to go through that -- and yet she is out DATING? Something just doesn't make sense here...

Focus on YOU, and your kids.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Jesus, dude, Re-read what you posted . You actually sound like one of those 50's wifes that their men would cheat on them and all they would do was to cry and cry, and lament their situation with the other wifes, suffering endlessly, waiting for the husband to give them some love.

Have some self respect and dignity man. Whether she is sick or not, is her cross to bear, but it looks that you are behaving so pathetic that you are using the "I want to be there for her as a friend, when in reality all you are doing is to use the situation as an excuse to be with her in the hopium that she'll take you back. That's pathetic. Have some dignity. 

What you actually need to do is to seek a way to detach, because when a person that realizing that might be in the threshold of facing death, and tells you that she doesn't love you, then, dude she's speaking the truth. 

You need to grab your balls and accept reality and act as a man that had dignity and self respect, and accept her wishes, rather than agonizing like a sick puppy.

What you need to concentrate on is on starting the prep for what life for you and your children will be in the near future with or without her in this world, because obviously, if she's not sick, then, she will not be with you anyway, she'll be dating other men. Get it?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Has she actually started dating? Where is she finding these dates? What is this dating pool that she is dipping into? Are you sure it did not exist before she left?


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## Croberson (10 mo ago)

I know that she wasn’t going on dates before. But I dunno about if she might have been talking to other guys.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

H


Croberson said:


> Thank you for the advice, I’m going to think on what you said. And I’m really sorry to hear about your wife.
> My 10 year old, I feel awful for. She’s trying to stay strong and she’s always coming up to me and giving me a hug, telling me it will be okay. But I know she’s struggling. I need to stay focused. It’s hard.


Heartbreaking. I just can't understand how any mother could leave their children and go off and date other guys.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I know someone who was married and had a terminal illness and they had probably a year or so to live, they packed up a suitcase, took a leave from their job and took off driving through America and the world. It's not that they didn't love their family but they knew that they did not have much time left and the last thing they wanted to do was stay home or sit behind a desk, they told their spouse that they will have everything after they are gone but they were taking a break from the relationship and family and being selfish because they will never grow old....they refused to keep hope for a new treatment or experimental drugs they wanted to die their way. i am not suggesting this is your wife but it could answer some of her thoughts.


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