# Children meeting OW before divorce



## oceansaway (May 16, 2011)

I just wanted to post something important for all those going through the same as I. My H left 3 months ago to be with OW. Only three weeks after leaving he wanted and tried to introduce our young children (8&9) to his new found love! 

Yes it makes me sick that one would do something like this so soon. I just wanted to let anybody going throught the same is to stop it and not let your children go! I did this because I felt it was not in the childs best interest! I took him to court on this and WON!!!!!

It was a happy day cause he said I would never win this one! Well I did! The judge ripped him a new A**! Thank you judge! 

At NO time should children be involved in adult issues until the divorce is final! 

Just hoping to help others going through the same. Thats if they are dealing with a real ass**** of a ex! :smthumbup:


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

I am so glad the judge had your back.  Great victory! 

I am leaning toward divorce at this point and am afraid my husband will do the same--after all, his mom paraded men through his life for his entire childhood. But I absolutely plan to put a morality clause in our parenting plan to avoid such confusion for our son.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Glad you won that one! Although my husband and I have been separated for three years, I recently discovered he has had the OW living with him for more than a year. It's the same one he started out with in 2006; she's twenty years younger than he is... And not a lot older than our children. The worse part is that my two 17 year old daughters have been covering for their dad. I just don't like the deceit and lack of morals they are learning from him.

That's okay. The little girlfriend will have to appear in court Monday morning. My estranged husband has a real problem paying spousal/child support, so he's going before the judge Monday. My attorney thought he would illustrate why the estranged husband is having a problem with payments. For some reason, the estranged husband thinks this bimbo comes first.


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## mswren7 (May 8, 2011)

Anonymous_Female said:


> I am so glad the judge had your back.  Great victory!
> 
> I am leaning toward divorce at this point and am afraid my husband will do the same--after all, his mom paraded men through his life for his entire childhood. But I absolutely plan to put a morality clause in our parenting plan to avoid such confusion for our son.


Can I ask what the "morality clause" in a parenting plan would be? Is that something like you dont want your children exposed to ex-partner's new girlfriend within a certain time frame?

Hope you dont mind me asking only because I was wondering about this sort of thing myself. Thanks.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

The OW in my H's affair was my SIL's best friend.. my children already had a relationship with her before he even left. I didn't know about it, because his sister was cohercing the affair under my nose at her house.

At this point I am not allowing him to see the kids, unless he comes to my house to visit, or meets us at a park or something. My children will not be danced around in front of her while we are still technically married.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

I have never been through a divorce. However, I do have common sense. Children need a lot of extra love and stability after a divorce. It is much too soon to introduce the OW to the kids!!

There is another member who has been dating her boyfriend for a month....she has already introduced him to her kids and family. They are talking about marriage. This is a train wreck waiting to happen; a lonely divorced woman clinging to the idea of "love".


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Wow, I never thought about going to the courts with something like this. H moved out almost 3 months ago under the guise of wanting to reconcile. Three weeks later he was done with me because I was still suspicious that there was another woman. Finally sits down and has the talk with me about 5 weeks after that (and no communication in between except for by email). He admits that he's been "talking" to the suspected OW for 4 weeks, which of course is a load of bull. Swears up and down that he isn't going to see her on Easter and that's why he can't see his kids. Well, low and behold, pictures show up on facebook of them together as his profile pic! He skipped out on his kids so soon after separating so he could have a nice weeklong vacation with her. She lives across the country, they were high school sweethearts. Puke! I told him I didn't want her around our kids, but he said he would and I couldn't do anything about it. His mom went and made things real interesting when a couple of weeks ago my son (8 years old) was over at their house and she asked H how his girlfriend was doing. My son came home asking questions and I gave him kid appropriate truthful answers and he connected the dots. So now, when H does introduce OW, my son will know exactly what and who she is.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

mswren7 said:


> Can I ask what the "morality clause" in a parenting plan would be? *Is that something like you dont want your children exposed to ex-partner's new girlfriend within a certain time frame*?
> 
> Hope you dont mind me asking only because I was wondering about this sort of thing myself. Thanks.


Yep, that's exactly what it is.  I don't have one myself as I have not initiated separation or divorce yet, but I know a number of women whose parenting plans include such clauses.


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## mswren7 (May 8, 2011)

Ok, thanks Anonymous_Female. I had heard of something like that before but I wasnt sure if it actually happened, or was something that could be put in a parenting plan. It makes sense of course.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

A clause can be added to a separation or divorce agreement stipulating the children are not to be around the OW or OM , this is more common than generally thought . The WH may oppose it , make sure the lawyer understands who they work for and stick to your guns.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

A sample of a morality clause would be something like this: 

"...neither party can introduce a significant other into the lives of the children until (date 1 year after divorce is signed) nor can we EVER have overnight guests when the children are in our custody, until we are re-married."

Soooo...if you signed the divorce today, and you started dating someone in 7 months, you would have to wait 5 more months to introduce them to the children, and during those 5 months never have them stay the night on a night when your children are at your house.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

With all these clauses regarding being around the OW/OM, how do you actually enforce that? My ex H and I live in two different countries, our son is 2 years old so he can't really tell me who he has been around or not. Unless the OW/OM are someone with a criminal record i don't see how this clause would actually work in real life.


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## oceansaway (May 16, 2011)

Just a update. Judges DO NOT like to hear about OW/OM before divorce is final. You should of seen the look on my judges face with H lawyer started about the "girlfriend". IT WAS PRICELESS!

I can see it would be hard with young children to try to enforce this clause. Mine are older so it is easy.

Some people thinks it is uncommon or they would never win this issue. However the courts look after "the best interest" of the child. And if YOU, as a parent, believe your child is subject to issues that are not in their interest, YOU have the right to withhold vists. I did it and took him to court. I don't care how much $$ it cost me!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> A sample of a morality clause would be something like this:
> 
> "...neither party can introduce a significant other into the lives of the children until (date 1 year after divorce is signed) nor can we EVER have overnight guests when the children are in our custody, until we are re-married."


That smacks more of bitter grapes than protection of the children to me. I think the OP's STBX is a turd for not allowing more time. But I'd be dipped if someone tried to tell me how to run my future relationships!


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I have to way the lesser of 2 evils in this case.

My ex's fiance is NOT a good example for my teenage daughter, as she is in her early 20's herself and still acting very much her age. BUT if I try and get it where she can't live with my daughters dad, then he will be pissed off and angry and I know it will rebound back on my daughter. My daughter loves her father, and really would like more time with him than she gets due to school and his work schedule, and I would rather she have that time and it be enjoyable than try forcing him to not let this girl live with him. I won't have a choice if they get married so why start a losing battle. Either way my daughter will be around her and her influence and my trying to 'force' her out at least temporarily will hurt my child. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

oceansaway said:


> Just a update. Judges DO NOT like to hear about OW/OM before divorce is final. You should of seen the look on my judges face with H lawyer started about the "girlfriend". IT WAS PRICELESS!


So true. I went to court this morning and saw this first hand. Of course, my husband had to bring his mistress in before the judge as well. If my children were younger, I would definitely have a morality clause put in the agreement. Right now it's tough explaining morality and character issues to my daughters because of the dad's behavior.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> *That smacks more of bitter grapes than protection of the children to me*. I think the OP's STBX is a turd for not allowing more time. But I'd be dipped if someone tried to tell me how to run my future relationships!


Not according to developmental psychologists or social workers.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

827Aug said:


> So true. I went to court this morning and saw this first hand. Of course, my husband had to bring his mistress in before the judge as well. If my children were younger, I would definitely have a morality clause put in the agreement. Right now it's tough explaining morality and character issues to my daughters because of the dad's behavior.


That stinks. And a wee disclaimer, I am speculating on what I think/feel on this as I have never been divorced. But for ME, I generally don't try to hide from the kids. Would it be better to face the issue head on?

I am imagining my husband loses a noodle, has an affair, kicks me to the curb and shacks with the OW. I have 2 kids 7 and 10. I *think* what I would do is basically tell them, your Dad and I don't agree that this is the best thing. I think I would SAY in my opinion, your father made a poor judgement in having an extramarital affair. That said, your father is a grown up and lives his life the way he sees fit. 

I would make 150% effort not to even imply a desire for the kids to be on "my side". Simply state my case once and leave it alone. 

If THEY did not want to be with the OW, I would fight tooth and nail to keep them from her. 

My fear with regard to any kind of morality clause, or trying to change the former DH into any kind of behavior is the fights that might ensue and leak into the kids' lives.

As I say, this is just a thought. I may not agree with this if it were happening to me.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Anonymous_Female said:


> Not according to developmental psychologists or social workers.


There are developmental psychologists that say a parent must marry a person before cohabitation to be in the best interest of children? I would love to see that study, please, if you have a reference.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> There are developmental psychologists that say a parent must marry a person before cohabitation to be in the best interest of children? I would love to see that study, please, if you have a reference.


I'm pretty sure you knew what I meant: introducing a new significant other into your childrens' lives too soon after a breakup has a negative affect on the children, their relationship with that parent, and their relationship with the new significant other.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Anonymous_Female said:


> I'm pretty sure you knew what I meant: introducing a new significant other into your childrens' lives too soon after a breakup has a negative affect on the children, their relationship with that parent, and their relationship with the new significant other.


No I didn't. I don't disagree with you. But the bit about not having sleep overs until marriage was the bit I was referring to when I called bitter grapes. I thought I was clear that I agreed that the OP's STBX was not doing right by the children.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> No I didn't. I don't disagree with you. But *the bit about not having sleep overs until marriage was the bit I was referring to* when I called bitter grapes. I thought I was clear that I agreed that the OP's STBX was not doing right by the children.


Haha--I didn't even see that part until I re-read it to reply, lol; I honed right in on the "bitter grapes" and thought you were referring to the subject in general, lol. Sorry for the misunderstanding.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Anonymous_Female said:


> Haha--I didn't even see that part until I re-read it to reply, lol; I honed right in on the "bitter grapes" and thought you were referring to the subject in general, lol. Sorry for the misunderstanding.


np


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Mom6547 said:


> That stinks. And a wee disclaimer, I am speculating on what I think/feel on this as I have never been divorced. But for ME, I generally don't try to hide from the kids. Would it be better to face the issue head on?
> 
> I am imagining my husband loses a noodle, has an affair, kicks me to the curb and shacks with the OW. I have 2 kids 7 and 10. I *think* what I would do is basically tell them, your Dad and I don't agree that this is the best thing. I think I would SAY in my opinion, your father made a poor judgement in having an extramarital affair. That said, your father is a grown up and lives his life the way he sees fit.


That's the problem with perspective. Sometimes a person has to experience things first hand to get a true sense of the issue. Ten years ago I could not have even imaged being in this spot.

I could tell my children what their dad has done is wrong until Hell freezes over and it wouldn't mean much. Children learn their morals, character and values largely by observing what parents do. Therefore, as a parent, I need to lead an exemplary life for them to pattern after. But, if my husband is doing something immoral (and possible illegal) it is sending a message to the children that it is okay. And then deceit and lying also come into play simply because they are then helping dad cover up things. 

Back when the Tiger Woods scandal broke one of my daughters made a disturbing statement. Her statement was something like this, "I don't see anything wrong with what he did; he has a right to be happy." What?! Because her dad did almost the same things and sees nothing wrong with the behavior, it must be okay. As a parent I'm horrified to see such as attitude from a 15 year old. Is she going to treat a spouse like this on down the road? I can only hope not. But, who knows. Her own father, by example, says it is okay to treat other human beings this way. I TELL her otherwise, but his actions speak louder (as witnessed by her statement).


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

827Aug said:


> I could tell my children what their dad has done is wrong until Hell freezes over and it wouldn't mean much. Children learn their morals, character and values largely by observing what parents do. Therefore, as a parent, I need to lead an exemplary life for them to pattern after.


Absolutely.



> But, if my husband is doing something immoral (and possible illegal) it is sending a message to the children that it is okay. And then deceit and lying also come into play simply because they are then helping dad cover up things.


There is where I don't know that I agree. That someone does something does not send a message that it is ok. Or really that there is a heck of a lot you can do about the fact that other people are going to behave in immoral and illegal fashions. What you DO with that fact is another matter. It is a bummer that the person is their father. BUT I still don't see how successful hiding is going to be long terms. You lose a bit of credibility by trying to hide instead of facing your difference with their father head on.

Kids aren't stupid.



> Back when the Tiger Woods scandal broke one of my daughters made a disturbing statement. Her statement was something like this, "I don't see anything wrong with what he did; he has a right to be happy." What?!


Nice teachable moment! Thankfully your daughter trusts you enough to be honest.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I didn't even think about putting this in our settlement agreement, well the proposed one I'm sending to H. I just put that the children aren't to be left alone with anyone except grandparents and prior approved caregivers. 

I'm thinking about myself, though, and future dating. If I say no significant other can be introduced to the kids before a year, then what if I were to start dating someone. That's a long time. Or what if I had a guy friend and it wasn't dating. It gets sticky, KWIM? Would I name the OW specifically? I really like the no sleepovers until remarried clause. Maybe I'll have that added. Because I wouldn't want to have a man sleeping over in the house with the kids, I don't think that's appropriate.


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## mswren7 (May 8, 2011)

Interesting thread. I too wondered how such a clause could be enforced. If the husband (for example) didnt have the integrity to honour his marriage vows by cheating, why would they see fit to honour any other document.

In my case, it wouldnt worry me if that clause was put into a parenting plan because I never want to get involved with another man again as long as I live. Too much trouble and have only ever caused me pain, from my grandfather, brother, ex-boyfriend who punched me in the mouth and knocked my two front teeth out, to my now cheater of a husand. Of course the clause couldnt work for my husband, a confirmed womanizer who I believer would be back on the dating sites the minute I left him.

Sorry, not hijacking this thread with my own problems.


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## oceansaway (May 16, 2011)

Follow up. My h has children from a previous marriage (now grown). I saw first hand when he introduced me quickly into their lives and how every visit I had to be there. You know what happened? The youngest resented him and their relationship terminated! So very sad! Now he is doing it all again! You would think one would learn! Introductions to quickly is wrong! And before one is divorced is to moral!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

My H (the DS by the way) was told by his parents that they were getting divorced on his birthday, because the timing was convenient for them. When his mom started to date, my H got to walk out into the living room to watch Saturday morning cartoons and see an unknown man in the pull out bed with his mom. His Dad was long gone and already living with the OW in another state.

My H was around 10 at the time. Yes he understood that his parents were no longer in love blah blah blah, but he still ended up getting therapy. Didn't really matter what his Mom or the therapists told him, he remembers the "swinging" before the divorce and lack of committment in his parents marriage. He realizes now that when we got married he pictured up to "house & kids" then never much beyond. He wasn't picturing "when we grow old together" like my parents are living.

Seems to me you can explain to kids and get them therapy, but they're still going to carry baggage from traumatic experiences in childhood. For older children who have only seen Mom & Dad sleep together, then someone "new' taking a parents place is not going to be easy even if they understand. Don't think it's a moral issue, but one of giving the child a sense of security and comfort. A period of time to adjust to having a single parent may be easier than adjusting to having a "replacement" of their Mom or Dad.

But I'm no expert.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

That's sad, Saffron. My bio dad was not in my life since infancy, and my mom started dating my stepdad when I was 3. I had no idea; I thought they were just friends, but I knew him well and was well accustomed to having him around. And then one day when I was about 7 or 8, I saw them kissing. I ran away crying and was so upset for the rest of the day, I couldn't really tell ya why. Guess I felt like he was going to take my mom away. 

Now that I myself am a mother, I will definitely bear that memory in mind if and when I date in the future.


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