# A change in perspective



## HarryBosch

You will have to excuse me if this is long, but it is the beginning of a new chapter in my life.

I am a recovering Liar. I lost my lovely wife over a year ago when she decided she'd had enough of my lying to her. I lied about my past and who I really was. 

This was never about my wife. I loved her dearly. We have a son together and my love for them never wavered. I was ashamed of who I was. I never thought I was good enough to deserve such a wonderful person in my life and when I met my wife I didn't feel worthy, so I lied about my past to create a persona that would make her proud of me.

As they say, a lie will manifest itself and begin to control your life, and when it did, it created an anxiety in me that at times became unbearable. I turned to porn as a release of that anxiety. I spent money on myself when I was the one doing the minimal amount of work to care for the house as I was a stay at home parent, I used anything I could to mask the anxiety. I was able to get some college under my belt but not enough to finish, and the anxiety just continued to dig a hole in which I couldn't get out. My only success was raising my son, and it seemed it was the only thing I was good at.

I came to this forum for guidance after my divorce, and quite frankly, I tried to use it as a springboard to get my wife back. I truly loved her, and I wanted reconciliation badly. I found a therapist and attended weekly sessions, and when my wife discovered I was not who I said I was, I went through a week straight of intense therapy. I attend weekly group meetings and teetered at times with my own self worth, because my wife ended any hope I would ever have of an "us" ever again, and I felt I had truly discovered rock bottom.

I had an intimate "interlude" with my Ex before these truths about me came out. I discovered a whole new woman, and knew I was still crazy in love with her. Unfortunately I feel that will never be now. 

This forum continued as a support mechanism. I posted several times where I wanted to contact my Ex, or found myself talking or texting her, and the overwhelming pieces of advice I got were to stay away from her, stop loving her, move on.. cut her out of your life. My family tried to orchestrate a hate in me for her, and what little friends I had were telling me to move on.

A month after the "truth", I saw her when my son needed help with Covid, and I came by a few times during that process. Cleaning and sterilizing, laundry. Nothing was said between the Ex and I , we just took care of our son. During this time I bonded with a friend from work. My son is a boy scout and his kids and his grandskids are scouts, and he is a scoutmaster, we discovered we had many things in common. We talked about a lot of things and one day my marriage and divorce came up. 

I told him I was tired of all the hate. I felt I was sending my Ex mixed messages about how I truly felt about her, and that by hiding behind a mask of bravado and pride, I was just falling back on lying... only this time, to myself. Then I said these words..."God hasn't been in my life for so many years, but I truly feel like giving it up to him"

My friend asked me why I couldn't.. he said I should tell her how I feel. Not what I wanted. Tell her you love her. He went on to say that if I truly wanted God in my life, that he would welcome me, and that my efforts should be aimed at reconciling my relationship with God, and maybe that would help you reconcile your feelings about your Ex and maybe even heal that relationship.

I told her, without any promises from her, that no matter what, I loved her. I would respect if she truly wanted me out of her life, and even to the extent that if she were to meet someone else, I would not interfere. More importantly my son was my focus, and I wanted what was best for him. Us getting along I felt was the key to helping that.

I left with a feeling of relief. Interestingly, my Ex said that we were truly over, but later said.. "if things have changed... show me" "Actions, not words".

I called my local Catholic church today, I will go to confession on Thursday after work, and tomorrow I will attend Mass. I need to live in the truth, and I need to follow my heart. Actions, not words.

Pray for me.

I feel content for the first time in quite a while.


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## Jimi007

@HarryBosch ...I will pray for you. Having a personal relationship with our Lord has saved me many times . Especially with anxiety. When I really get so much anxiety that I think I'm going to burst , I get down on my knees in front of my bed and I pour my heart out in prayer. I ask the Lord to take it away , even just for a little while. This has never failed me. 

Also , I always enjoyed boy scouts. I learned many valuable life lessons. I always enjoyed the comradery. Both my girls are life long girl scouts and my youngest did get her Gold award , equivalent to the BS Eagle scout

Rest easy HarryBosh...it's OK to look back , just don't look to long , as you you already know , you might not like what you see


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## Mr.Married

No offense but I’ve seen a lot of “short time Jesus lovers” in my time. That usually gets snuffed out as soon as a persons life starts to come back together. I think your real issue is to get the lying and false image stuff under control. You may want to believe differently but everyone around you knows you are a liar. That stuff is really easy to sniff out quickly. Only the liar thinks he has everyone fooled.

Good luck on the Jesus wagon. Try to avoid going too deep too fast on that stuff. It’s like reverse lying where you get to proclaim “belief is the truth” but it is still in back a lot of peoples mind that the whole thing is the biggest lie of all ….. which now makes me wonder if that is why you are attracted to it.

Find yourself a nondenominational church. You are in my opinion a lot more likely to find success there instead of in a hard nose irrelevant Catholic prison establishment.


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## HarryBosch

No offense Mr. Married, but you make a lot of assumptions in your post. Where to start...



Mr.Married said:


> I’ve seen a lot of “short time Jesus lovers” in my time


So have I, but I've been around the block too... for almost 60 years. The concept of Jesus isn't some bandwagon I just hopped on.



Mr.Married said:


> You may want to believe differently but everyone around you knows you are a liar.


And that is set in stone how? I thoroughly enjoy how recovery is so encouraged on this forum and yet people truly believe no one can recover. Perpetual pain is encouraged. I chose a different path. I'm not going to choose to sit in some gutter and "believe" that because I lied that somehow someone who doesn't even know me condemns me to the mental health abyss.



Mr.Married said:


> your real issue is to get the lying and false image stuff under control


That is my issue? Did you read? I'm sure my therapist will tell you I have no desire to get my issues under control, especially at $120/hr.



Mr.Married said:


> Good luck on the Jesus wagon


Good Luck to you too... whatever wagon you're on.



Mr.Married said:


> It’s like reverse lying where you get to proclaim “belief is the truth” but it is still in back a lot of peoples mind that the whole thing is the biggest lie of all


Is that a quote? Who would you be quoting.. because I never said that. Who are these "a lot of people"? Faith is believing in something or not... I'm wondering who your condemning here. Those foolish God believers.. falling for that lie.



Mr.Married said:


> which now makes me wonder if that is why you are attracted to it.


That's rich... now you're a therapist. Somehow turning to faith subjugates me to an institution that in your mind is a lie too... 



Mr.Married said:


> Catholic prison establishment.


It is very clear you don't like the church. It is also very clear you look down on those who are religious. You're entitled to your opinion. It is obvious you are just as broken as the rest of us here, but not for your stance on religion, on your belief that when one finds a possible way out of the mess they have created for themselves, you ridicule it.


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## HarryBosch

Jimi007 said:


> I get down on my knees in front of my bed and I pour my heart out in prayer. I ask the Lord to take it away , even just for a little while. This has never failed me.


Asking forgiveness is huge. To me its the first step in reconciling our hearts. I started doing this and afterwards I too feel better.."even just for a little while"

When we are dealing with our own mess, some turn to alcohol or drugs, or some other addiction.. I decided to pray.

Thank You.


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## minimalME

I respect and admire your openness and your willingness to confess and repent.

There are very, very few people who come here who’re willing to write what you have. 🙂


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## HarryBosch

minimalME said:


> I respect and admire your openness and your willingness to confess and repent.
> 
> There are very, very few people who come here who’re willing to write what you have. 🙂


Thank You. It has been hard, and I can only imagine how hard it has been for my family. A hundred times worse I am sure. I love them more than ever. I have only the forgiveness of God to guide me now and pray that he will be my light when it is dark.


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## HarryBosch

I decided to hold off on attending confession. Tuesday was my first mass at this church, and I don't know the Father or anyone else at this church. I would like to know that this is the church I will be attending in the future and developing a community with before I go to confession.

I also feel a bit like I am screaming to the rafters to everyone who can hear that I am a recovering liar, and I have to respect the process a little better than that. I want to absolve myself from this anchor around my neck and a part of me feels like I need to trust that it is going to take time, and screaming it just doesn't make everything better.


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## Jimi007

@HarryBosch ....stop beating yourself up...
Let the Lord handle it and guide you. Enjoy the new you ! Leave the past in the past


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## Marc878

The one thing you should understand. Change should be for you and your benefit. If it isn’t you won’t accomplish much. Be authentic.
The other thing is right now if you chase your wife they always move farther away.
Honesty got me a lot of rewards looking back. People respect it. Everyone screws up. It’s ok to admit it.


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## HarryBosch

Marc878 said:


> The one thing you should understand. Change should be for you and your benefit. If it isn’t you won’t accomplish much. Be authentic.
> The other thing is right now if you chase your wife they always move farther away.
> Honesty got me a lot of rewards looking back. People respect it. Everyone screws up. It’s ok to admit it.


You know, I felt all along that chasing just made me look like a fool. I decided to just lay it out there to my Ex that this is how I felt. Take it how you wish kind of attitude. My kids will see down the road that if I'm an ***hole to my Ex, they'll know it. When I'm not around the house, they know what is going on. I decided I'm going to do my own thing and do what I do as a Father. If her and I get a long, it is a bonus. But I decided to go in with no expectations and just plug away at what I'm doing and what I decide.

"Authentic"... great wording. I love my wife and my kids. I screwed up, and I own that. I've learned valuable lessons. I'm not going to hide anymore. I want something, I'm going after it. I'm not going to let anxiety take over anymore because I've made my peace with my past. There is absolutely nothing more for me to hide. I won't let anything interfere with what I've accomplished, and I sure as hell won't be going down the lying road again. I lost myself there, I won't go back.

I like how you finish with "honesty". I think I would be doing a disservice to myself if I hid how I felt and put on a stoic face to how I feel. That is just a lie I would be trying to sell to myself and I can't do that. The crying and feeling sorry for myself is over. People can take me for what they want and see for themselves what they get. But I'm not going to waste my time with anyone who isn't willing to see me for what I've accomplished Mentally and what I'm working on to make myself better. I know I'm going to make mistakes, if a judgement is cast moving forward, that is on them... I'm only human.

By the way Marc, you have been a tremendous help here. I initially took you for a pretty hard nosed tough guy. You make no bones about leaving it all out there and going your own way. I know your views on hopium, and want you to know this isn't that. I'm just done. Everyone knows where I stand.. take it or leave it. I know you got a heart in there, and it shows in this post.. I appreciate it.


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## HarryBosch

Jimi007 said:


> @HarryBosch ....stop beating yourself up...
> Let the Lord handle it and guide you. Enjoy the new you ! Leave the past in the past


Thanks Jimi. This is the first time I've posted here in a while where I actually feel like I've made the right move.


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## RebuildingMe

Maybe you can have this moved to the religion forum? I got half way through before Jesus, God and church came up. I hope you find the peace you seek, work on yourself and don’t rely on ANYONE but yourself to push you through. There are no such thing as miracles in real life. It’s just you to make the necessary changes.


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## HarryBosch

Relationships and Spirituality
Thought this was the appropriate place to post this. My spirituality is linked to my relationships, so I don't feel it would be necessary to move it, especially since I'm not debating religion, I'm simply stating my direction in my relationships moving forward. If you find it offensive or not meant for this area of the forum, then that is your opinion, and your prerogative should you want it moved.



RebuildingMe said:


> Maybe you can have this moved to the religion forum? I got half way through before Jesus, God and church came up. I hope you find the peace you seek, work on yourself and don’t rely on ANYONE but yourself to push you through. There are no such thing as miracles in real life. It’s just you to make the necessary changes.


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## RebuildingMe

HarryBosch said:


> Relationships and Spirituality
> Thought this was the appropriate place to post this. My spirituality is linked to my relationships, so I don't feel it would be necessary to move it, especially since I'm not debating religion, I'm simply stating my direction in my relationships moving forward. If you find it offensive or not meant for this area of the forum, then that is your opinion, and your prerogative should you want it moved.


No, no need. All good. Good luck to you. We are all on our journeys here. Each one unique.


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## Affaircare

@HarryBosch ,

You'll find there are a lot of folks on TAM--guys and gals--who are pretty "tough as nails" and a bit on the 2x4 side of reality. I tend to think of it more as kindness. One doesn't have to become spiteful or unkind to their STBX spouse...it's a choice too. 

So just so you can understand a little about me, I'm a recovering former wandering wife. I had an online EA many years ago and my husband at that time didn't want to lose our marriage either, so the two of us, together but individually, did the work we had to do in order recover. (FYI: he passed away in 2017 and I'm currently re-married.)

Now make no mistake: the marriage you had "before the betrayal" IS dead. It is never coming back and it will never be the same. I can say that with 100% commitment and accuracy. The moment you betrayed your spouse by lying...and all the subsequence moments of choosing to continue to lie...was the moment you killed that marriage. So one thing you are going to have to accept is that your actions did kill "what you used to have" and it is never, ever going to be "the way it was." It wasn't an injury--it was a fatal wound...a DEATH.

Next, the reason so many folks on here are so adamant about reconciliation or attempting to recover is because it happens so rarely. Oh sure, there are plenty of people who rugsweep and never really address it. There are plenty of people who live in misery because they want to keep their lifestyle. But there are DARN FEW people who will stop looking at their spouse, start looking at themselves, and face what they did and why. @HarryBosch , you didn't "lie." That's minimizing and a euphamism. Be honest--call it what it is: you betrayed the one who loved you. You were deceitful and inauthentic to the one person on the planet with whom you were supposed to be completely open and intimate: your spouse. Stop painting it with spackle--you deliberate lived and spoke in a way to mislead your spouse. 

If you can't even SAY what you honestly did, then how are you going to face it and address it and change your heart?

After you do finally start speaking out loud the honest truth of what you did, naming it by its name, then you can begin the hard work of looking inward at yourself, your beliefs about yourself, your values and inner voices, and begin to change your heart. The reason your marriage will never be "what is was" is because if you do this right, YOU won't be who you were! For my own self, I did have a childhood with physical abuse and was raped in college, so I had a LOT of work to do...some regarding self-worth, some regarding boundaries, and some regarding feeling safe being vulnerable. I had to learn to live transparently where I allowed people to see my True Self, warts and all. I had to practice saying "That's not okay with me" when things weren't okay with me. And I suspect that YOU also have a lot of things that you will need to look at and examine about yourself before you are a man who is a safe partner!

Meanwhile, I consider my dear, departed late hubby to be part-saint because he gave me the chance to work on all that and did not come across like I was the big mess but he was just fine. Nope, he also took that time to study about strong marriages and what makes good partners and also practice things like transparency and boundaries. To me, it felt like two imperfect people working together to be BETTER people. But...the crew here at TAM can tell ya... it is FEW and FAR BETWEEN that someone is willing to be that kind of partner like my late hubby was. You may very much need to take the time to learn to live better, but your STBXW does not need to be your punching bag while you "try and fail" and may or may not (likely will not) have the patience to just sit around and wait for you to gather your doodoo into a group! 

This is why so many say "Stop focusing on your wife and maybe getting her back one day" and start focusing on living honestly and working through your issues in counseling. Practice living transparently. Stick your neck out and tell people when something isn't okay with you. Go out on a limb and let them see yourself, warts and all! It's my experience that just having a religious epiphany doesn't "fix the problem" and I consider myself a Christian (although I'm not Catholic). I do think it can be helpful to surround yourself with others who truly pursue a godly life. I also think that faith can sustain when it feels like quite a long trial. But it doesn't "fix the problem" miraculously. To do that, you are going to have to do the work. And I'd say going to confession might be a smart choice, because whether this priest turns out to be your personal "spiritual leader" or not...practicing being HONEST and OPEN with someone would be of benefit to you. It's in the confines of confidentiality--so it's about as safe as can be. I'd encourage you to be brave and go. (And I'm not debating the forgiveness of sins via confession--I'm encouraging the HONESTY part of it.  )


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