# Living a Nightmare



## Nolongerfooled (Apr 3, 2016)

Hello Everyone, 
I just need a place to vent about my marriage and soon to be divorce. A little background; my husband and I have been married 27 years this past January, 29 years together. My husband has never been a strong communicator and this has been an issue throughout our marriage. I have the mindset that in order to deal with issues and to move forward a husband and wife have to be connected. Dec. 2013, I found porn, contacts with women on Craigslist who were advertising sex,and a fake email acct. I confronted my husband he neither confirmed or denied anything. Actually his response was, "It's no big deal." Needless to say I was very hurt and betrayed. No apology or anything from him. Four days before Christmas I left. I proceeded to get an apartment and tried to start putting my life back together. Our kids are out on their own so it was just he and I. He gave me mixed messages about agreeing for both of us to seek counseling then backing out because he didn't need anyone telling him what to do or how to feel. Fast forward 3 months and I became aware of him purchasing pink gun holster. I was told he bought it for a "friend." I allowed him to string me along playing mind games with me. One week he would give the impression he wanted to work on things. This behavior has continued. I finally figured out who the gun holster was purchased for (a 25 year old girl who had worked in the front office where he worked). I contacted the girl and she told me my husband would come in and try to massage her neck and back and that she was creeped out by him. She started avoiding him and eventually quit. Fast forward to last May, head games continued but I had finally come to a place where I wanted/needed to stop the games. I drew up the divorce papers and gave them to my husband (although this was against everything I believe in). He kept delaying signing them so we could file although this is what he said he wanted. I was in Texas for a bit and when I returned he told me he wanted to work on things. I couldn't believe my ears, I thought he truly wanted our marriage to work. Unfortunately, what he meant was he wanted us to continue where we had left off. He wanted a relationship with me as long as I didn't have expectations for him or question his past behavior. He strung me along again. Yes, I know I have self esteem issues to allow another person to control me like this. :-( . Well the beginning of April 2016 he filed for divorce. I found where he had been flirting with a girl from high school. I was devastated and struggle with trying to wrap my head around this whole mess.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Your husband has earned a divorce. 

Time to pay him his dues.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Honda750 (Feb 12, 2015)

You know what ? I'm in a very similar situation except my wife had a fetish with money ...... Credit cards and taking money from the boss accounts . Similar because you and I are devastated and freaked out by the infidel that we call our spouse !!! 
I feel terrible for your situation , but you must get yourself together and do a positive thing for yourself ! 
I've been through pure hell in my situation , from a financial and mental abuse standpoint but working towards becoming less in massive 
debt and acknowledging that I don't have to live like this ........... We too are married 27 years , kids out of the house finishing college but have five small dogs. Keep your head up , there has to be life after what we have endured !!! But I have to ask ....... What the heck is wrong with people anymore ??? Good luck to you lady ..........


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I'm curious... were the 29 years good? Do you wish you left 20 years ago? 

Did you guys have sex often? Good sex?

Just seems so many people stay in miserable marriages and 30 years later realize they were never happy.

It's never too late to start over. Only you can make yourself happy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Nolongerfooled,

I'm sure you are pretty devastated right now. I've been through this twice. The first time married for 14 years, the second 12 years.

You will not only survive, you will blossom. 

Your husband was clearly not fully in your marriage for sometime, if he ever was. I know how this takes a toll you, his wife.

Now is the time for you to start doing things for yourself. How strong of a support system do you have? What sort of things are you doing? Hobbies, working out, going out with friends, etc?

This is where your focus needs to be. Take care of YOU.


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## Nolongerfooled (Apr 3, 2016)

GuyInColorado, our marriage had its ups and down like any typical marriage. While our children were young I wasn't allowed to work outside the house unless the kids were with me. This is not to say my husband didn't watch the kids because he would anytime I asked. I knew the importance of staying connected so I wanted date nights and time together. Our children didn't stay with anyone until they were 2 and 4. He would always said we would have out time when the kids were out of the house. Although I still love the man I married I know now he either never really existed or he was buried somewhere along the way. There are so many different emotions I struggle with dealing with daily.

As far as sex, we had sex 2-3 times a week on average. I feel like that was the only time he connected. 

How did everyone else work thru the emotions if divorce was not what they wanted?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Nolongerfooled said:


> GuyInColorado, our marriage had its ups and down like any typical marriage. While our children were young I wasn't allowed to work outside the house unless the kids were with me. This is not to say my husband didn't watch the kids because he would anytime I asked. I knew the importance of staying connected so I wanted date nights and time together. Our children didn't stay with anyone until they were 2 and 4. He would always said we would have out time when the kids were out of the house. Although I still love the man I married I know now he either never really existed or he was buried somewhere along the way. There are so many different emotions I struggle with dealing with daily.
> 
> As far as sex, we had sex 2-3 times a week on average. I feel like that was the only time he connected.
> 
> How did everyone else work thru the emotions if divorce was not what they wanted?


For me, it was acceptance that it was actually happening no matter what I did.

And then I let myself get angry. Really, really angry.

And then everything started to become clear.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Nolongerfooled said:


> How did everyone else work thru the emotions if divorce was not what they wanted?


I had a sort of 'ah ha' moment where it became clear that divorce was what was best for both of us. 

She was deeply flawed and had a hole insider her that she was trying to fill with male attention and lies. Her lies and disrespect for my needs eventually drove me into a deep depression. 

I gave her multiple chances to be truthful with me, so we could rebuild the intimacy we had when we first married. But her lies just got better. 

I became bitter, lonely and angry. She became manipulative, distant and aloof. 

I discovered some small clue, not much more than I already know. Just that straw that broke the camels back. All the pain and resentment in me became focused. And in the moment I wanted to hit her. I wanted to strike her and make her hurt like I hurt. 

I didn't, but I also didn't like that feeling. It was that ah ha moment. That realization that if we stayed together I was going to feel like that often. And maybe one day I wouldn't have the impulse control to stop myself. That this was not the way to live my life.

I planned the divorce long before I was ready for it. Part of that made it easier to pull the trigger when I was read. Maybe focus on that for now. Answer for yourself, what will your divorce look like? How do you want to divide the assets? Will you need spousal support? Will he fight that? What are you willing to cede to keep court time to a minimum? I think having a vision of what you want your post divorce life to look like helps make it less scary.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

This guy sounds like classic womanizer.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My IC would tell you to start separating what you thought you were trying to save from what you really had. You know you have self esteem issues, and you can't fix anything until you fix that. So find a good therapist and start going at least twice a month, and ask the IC to keep you accountable on progress (ie, not just a 'talk' doctor).


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

your husband obviously has very deep serious emotional issues.

not only for cheating, but fantasizing about and harassing young girls.

don't look back.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Nolongerfooled said:


> I found porn, contacts with women on Craigslist who were advertising sex,and a fake email acct. I confronted my husband he neither confirmed or denied anything. Actually his response was, "It's no big deal."


For what it's worth, he confirmed it with his response.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Have him served with divorce papers. With a Post-it note on them with the message: "It's no big deal" on it.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Have him served with divorce papers. With a Post-it note on them with the message: "It's no big deal" on it.


Friggen brilliant.. Love that idea


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Get out asap, you can still have a life worth living. I agree with Georgene, your WH needs help, but that is his problem, don't you try and take on that burden. Take care of yourself, get IC and a good lawyer, look forward to a future were you are free of his neglect and emotional abuse.


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## Nolongerfooled (Apr 3, 2016)

I do hack an I that I see 1 time a week. She has been my life saver. I think what's so hard for me is that I do love him and always have. I can't wrap my head around the fact that someone who was once so family,oriented, sensible, and had high morals could become someone so cruel. It's ironic that I'm the one who has fought for this marriage, was and continue to be a faithful wife and mother is the one he tries to shift his anger to. I think he's mad at be for exposing him.


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## Nolongerfooled (Apr 3, 2016)

It should said have a counselor I see once a week.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my Lady.

I cant imagine how you spend so many years with him. You are really strong woman. 

This will hurt you a lot,but remember this is just the beggining of your new life. You deserve to be happy and to have someone who will push you forward and be there for you.

Dont fall into Depresion. Talk with your friends or your children. Join some club where you can spend your free time,just dont be alone and dont cry. Find yourself a good hobby. 

I really belive you are better without him. You will find this really soon 

Stay strong.


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