# History Used Against Me after his EA. (LOOOOONG POST!)



## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

Sorry, this is long. Predates my H’s affair, but impacts today. Don’t blame if people don’t read it, I just need to write about it this evening. 

Met H in 1989. Married 1994. Separated 2000, reconciled 2001…. His EA in May 2012. 

In the year 2000, our marriage was not working. We didn’t communicate, when we did, we fought. He drank a lot, and we drifted away and were both not happy. Eventually it got unbearable. We talked, and I had told him I wasn’t happy and I thought we should separate, and I was considering divorce. He agreed that I should leave and start the process. I took my 12 year old daughter and we went to my mom’s house for about a month. There were no plans to work on things so I filed for divorce. After about a month at my mom’s, it wasn’t working out. She had her own life, and my daughter and I were kind of in her way. I had no money at the time because I was still paying half the mortgage on the house where my husband and I had lived for five years and had a daughter to take care of (she is my daughter from a previous relationship when I was 20 years old). 

Here’s where it gets tricky. I had a friend from work – a guy (I will call him “G”) – divorced, who had custody of his two kids. This guy was a friend since 1988, knew him pretty well. Nice guy. He said he had two extra bedrooms at his place, and we could stay there until I got my feet on the ground and the divorce went through. By this time, my H had the locks to our house changed, and I wasn’t fighting for anything, I just wanted to get on with my life. I did not have any feelings but friendship for”G”, and I believed he felt the same. Worked out well for a couple of months. He worked overnights and I worked days. The kids got along great, things were fine. 

Then my husband figured out I was staying there, and started calling me – first accusing me of leaving him for another man...But eventually that type of talk subsided. A few weeks later he had called to say he was going through an outpatient treatment for drinking, and wanted me to go to a couple of groups with him. Not necessarily to get back together, but just to help him get through things since we'd been together for so long. So I did. Slowly, went to a few sessions. Then we’d talk on the phone here and there, and he was doing so well. He asked me if I was sleeping with “G” and I said no. I’m sure he didn’t believe me, but I still was on the path of getting the divorce, saving money to figure out my life. And I was not sleeping with “G”…nothing at all physical or emotional there. He was my best friend, just helping me out! (Us women can be so naïve as I was about to learn). 

All of a sudden “G” started getting really angry when I’d talk to my H. He started putting “rules” on me. Would get mad if I wanted to go shopping with girlfriends, would have a fit if I went to my nephew’s baseball games, or if I did anything with my family. If I did make arrangements to go to my house to pick items up, he would follow me and drive around the block till I left the house. He’d become so mad any time I even spoke my H’s name. I didn’t understand, and it all happened so fast. He told me he’s in love with me, and he’s going to marry me and buy me a big house and we’ll live happily ever after. I had not known that’s what he was thinking – we never had any physical contact (I was not at all attracted to him, he was a friend!). Anyway, he ended up to be such a scary guy, I had to get out of there. I went back to mom’s. “G” started showing up wherever I was, and calling the house at all times of the day and night. 

It was very creepy, especially since there was nothing between us, at all.

Went to H’s “graduation” from the treatment place, and afterward he asked if we could get dinner and maybe see a movie. I thought, why not…He asked me that night again if I had slept with “G”, and I explained the whole situation to him. That I believed he was a friend just helping me out, and I was very naïve and didn’t realize he had feelings for me. I also proceeded to tell him that he was showing up everywhere and I was repulsed and a bit scared. 

A couple weeks later, my grandma died. My H loved my grandma, so I asked him to join me for the funeral. After the funeral, we went back to “his” house (actually still ours, D wasn’t finalized). We stayed up all night and talked about everything. From how our marriage had crumbled, and we both were to blame in different ways, and how we allowed ourselves to drift from each other. We both said there was some love left. That night I agreed to halt the divorce, and we would start dating again. Would not move in, but we’ d date twice a week. 
This lasted for a month, and I finally moved back in. We were very happy, and ready to rebuild.

A couple of times in the next month, H would say that he saw “G” drive by. I didn’t think “G” was still doing that so I was worried that H was becoming paranoid. Until one day he said, “He just drove by, I’m gonna go get him”. 20 minutes later, he came back, and guess who was with him. “G”!
Right there, H said, “Your “boyfriend” wants to talk to you, and I told him to do it in front of me.” I said, “Fine, sure.” “G” proceeded to tell me and my H that he was profusely in love with me and wanted H to step aside and for me to marry him. Very crazy... and it got very ugly. I screamed at him and threatened to call the cops. “G” was bawling, and finally left. It was the scariest thing ever. But, that was the last we’ve seen of “G”. 

Things were fine for years. Then, TEN years after all this happened..in 2010… H starts bringing it all up. How horrible I was to leave the marriage and “shack up with another man” – how he KNEW I slept with “G” way back then, how he thinks we had an A before I left the marriage. I was floored. TEN YEARS LATER…!! Where did this come from!? We had talked about everything that first year, and he never made any accusations – and I never lied to him about anything. But now ten years later I was supposed to rehash the whole thing and defend myself!? I offered marriage counseling where we could talk easier, he got so angry and mean with me all of the time. But he wouldn’t go. Eventually it just became that he would bring it up every other month or so… It was getting old. 

Fast Forward to three months ago, and whether or not anyone has read my story, he started an EA with a former coworker. He says no PA. She had texted him for a job reference and he proceeded to talk to her until he got her to send topless photos and one thing led to another and it was a full blown sexting EA. He ended it two days before I caught him. It was all sexual, no feelings there – long sordid story. Basically he spent several weeks as a pervert, running around taking pix of himself and texting her telling her what he’d do to her if he were there. 
Anyway. When d-day came, he was remorseful. Very ashamed, embarrassed. Stopped all contact (which I can verify), did lots of things right. I still question if there was a one night PA, he says no, but that’s a different story.

So he dealt with my sleeplessness, my vomiting, my crying, my anger fits, my complete SPAZ attacks for about a month. After that, he told me it was time to get over it. And he couldn’t do it anymore if I was going to continually dwell on it (makes me mad thinking about this). Finally, every time I’d say something, whether it was just “I’m sad” or “I’m angry”, he’d come back and say, “Well, what you did to our marriage 12 years ago is WAY worse than what I did!” That has become the standard answer. My answer to this is “I left our home, we mutually agreed on divorce. I didn’t cheat before I left, or even after I left – and at that point the marriage was over…I wouldn’t have considered it cheating – but I didn’t do anything.” 

I did it right. I wasn’t happy so I left. I think you should leave a marriage if you’re not happy – not just order the piece of cake on the side! I didn’t do what he did, and just go outside of the marriage pretending everything was ok. But he just throws old accusations back at me. Has led to some very awful, crazy fights…but now, with my strong emotions with the “A”, I don’t have the energy to go down this old, 12 year old road every time I try to tell him how I feel. So it shuts me up now.
So now that’s where I’m at. I’m still questioning him on a PA, we’re at an impasse. I can’t prove he did, he can’t prove he didn’t. 3 months into R. Doing pretty well, except when I bring things up. He thinks I should be over it. I’ve only brought it up a handful of times in the past few weeks, but it always comes back to how I left him 12 years ago and hurt him, and that’s WAY WORSE. What he forgets is that he didn’t ever say he didn’t want a divorce when I left. We agreed on it. Yes, along the way through that time was painful, for him and for me, both. 

He won’t go to MC, but told me that I need help and should do “whatever you need to do to get over this”. And just the other day I said to him, “I’m having a hard day thinking about things.” His answer was, “Yep, been there, done that…12 years ago. I got over it. Time for you to, also”. 

I don’t want to fight about it anymore. But sometimes I need to tell him if I’m feeling down (otherwise he can sense it, and gets upset anyway). But if I tell him, it comes back to me…twelve years ago…and how much more awful of a wife I was than he is a husband now.

Maybe there’s just too much baggage in our past. A lot of love … a whole lot, I truly believe that. But maybe that’s just not enough. I just don’t know what to do. He’s making it easier for me not to bring up my feelings because I don’t want to go back 12 years for the MILLIONTH time and take blame for something that I didn’t do, and wasn’t even an issue for ten years. 
He just wants to call it even and be done with talking. Even though it’s NOT even in my thoughts. 

By the same token, he tells me every day several times how much he loves me, and how thankful he is to have me. 
I’m so confused. Feeling a bit manipulated, maybe. 
Sorry so long. Thanks for giving me the space to write. Helps since I’ve talked to no one else about anything.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> After that, he told me it was time to get over it.


He doesn't get to decide that. As it happens.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

By the way, 12 years later he is still not over it, why would you get over it in a few months? He needs to go to counselling or something, or you might as well call it quits. He is trying to foist his guilt off onto you.


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## Am I Dreaming? (Sep 4, 2012)

Let me say this gently. If I were your husband I wouldn't believe for a second you didn't sleep with "G". You lived in his house for an extended period of time. "G" is jealous and possessive of you and claimed to be in love with you. You were separated at the time. 

You may very well have not slept with "G". Only you and "G" know the answer. But your husband is not being irrational in assuming you slept with "G". Every sign of a sexual relationship is present.


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

Suggest a lie detector test for the both of you. That way everything can get out into the open.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Part of the problem is that your story did not make sense. That doesn't mean it's not true. Just that it's hard to believe that you lived with a guy who was in love with you and never slept with him. If I find it unbelievable then surely he did so he thinks you did it and never confessed.

Now all these years later he's trying to justify his actions based on that. Well no free passes buddy. And he's telling you to get over his infidelity in three months when he's also saying that your (alleged) infidelity is what caused him problems ten years later. Not to mention, you were technically separated at the time. 

He's not owning up to what he's done. Simple as that. And he's holding onto resentment.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Am I Dreaming? said:


> Let me say this gently. If I were your husband I wouldn't believe for a second you didn't sleep with "G". You lived in his house for an extended period of time. "G" is jealous and possessive of you and claimed to be in love with you. You were separated at the time.
> 
> You may very well have not slept with "G". Only you and "G" know the answer. But your husband is not being irrational in assuming you slept with "G". Every sign of a sexual relationship is present.


But they "were" separated. He shouldn't have got back with her if he did think she slept with him. He was convinced that nothing happened when they got back together. He is using the argument as a way to justify his EA(PA). 

OP, I would be worried if his EA/PA's started in 2010 when he brought up your old affairs.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> Now all these years later he's trying to justify his actions based on that. Well no free passes buddy. And he's telling you to get over it in three months when he's also saying it's what caused him problems ten years later.


:iagree:


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I don't think it should be relevant at this point, 12 years down the road, but that isn't for me to decide, nor you either. It is relevant to your husband, and unless he is willing to work to let it go, no matter if you are innocent or not, then why bother? You will grow to resent each other more by the day. You have other issues to work on, like his definite affair. If his issues go unaddressed, it will happen again, and again, and again. So you need to make a choice, about what you want. Do you want to stay or go? If you want to go, just do it, focus on that. If you want to stay, you need to tell him that. You need to tell him what you want. What your marriage should look like, what it should feel like. What's important to you in your life. Find out I'd that still matches up to his hopes and aspirations, to what is important to him. If he is willing to work towards that together. Draw a line in the sand, a hard line though. He commits to you and means it, that means doing the hard work to get over his issues, or you call it quits. And you mean it. Life is too damn short to waste in a ****ty marriage. No one deserves that. Well almost no one, that bastard who seduced my wife can rot in his ****ty marriage forever for all I care! ha ha!

The point is, you both need to make your choices, and if you want better, well you need to work at it, alone or apart, it doesn't matter, You deserve better either way, but you have to build it, you have to work at it. Hoping won't get you anywhere, you gotta do!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I agree with Warlock. Something happened in 2010 for him to suddenly be having issues in 'getting over it'. 

I see where Thundarr and Am I Dreaming are coming from. If it were me in your husband's situation I would not believe no sex either. However, I know that there is a very good chance you are speaking truth also. As a woman, I have met a few weird men in my time, and had a few infatuations come my way. And never done anything to encourage them. Though his infatuation seems way off the scale which does make me think there was some encouragement on your part, even if only naive and purely a lack of making yourself clear to him if u received any hints or signals. Or maybe the encouragement was purely you living with him. Only you know what went on there...however, I believe that your version is entirely plausible. If I was on the receiving end of your version though I would never believe my H that nothing went on. I can only speak as a woman. 

If you have been honest about all to your husband, no lies here and there throughout your marriage, then really he has no reason to doubt your word. And if he is to get over it, he basically has to trust you. Just as you say, it cannot be proved. 

I think a double lie detector is a good idea. 

And something happened in 2010. You could do with finding out what that was because that has sparked this whole mess up again. 

His EA/PA, well, I would put my money on PA...but as you say, who knows. Lie detector? 

He is using 10 yrs ago to manipulate you and his own guilt. He is justifying what he did by bringing up again and making an issue what hasn't been for 10 years. 

His defensiveness, his 'get over it' and his retorts straight back at you, they smack of guilt and hiding of lies.

Sorry.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Hi Lady,
It seems that he used you staying with G as a way to rationalize his affair. I'm sorry, but I think he doesn't feel any remorse and worst, he thinks that he did nothing wrong and you still owe him for what happened when you seperated.

Quick question though, when G came and you had that ugly confrontation, did he lie about you two having sex or kissing ?
If there weren't any hint from G's part than you should be more severe with your husband. Either he stops his bull****, be a little bit more decent and grateful or you'll consider seperation as an alternative way to quickly get over what happened.

Also, I don't encourage you to do this as it won't solve anything, but I really am angry at his attitude. If he tells you again that you should get over this, tell him that it has been ten years and he hasn't been over an imaginary thing so how long does he think for you to get over a real betrayal ? Again, this won't solve anything and he'll probably either change the subject or bring another thing. But it will shock the crap out of him that you won't just stand there and take his nonesense.

He changed the locks of the house and then act all angry because you were forced to move in with a guy ? What the eff ?
Him changing the locks couldn't be more interpreted than I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore. So he should man the eff up and stop hurting you and acting all hurt by you.

Make him stop bringing this subject, tell him that:
- It has been ten years.
- He should be angry at himself. He was your man by law and by common sense so he must be ashamed of himself to let you live under a crazy man's roof.
- He saw how G was acting, and he knows you from all these years of marriage so he should man up, hang on a shred of decency and admit he has a real issue with what happened ten years ago but is clashing with the wrong person.
- He had an affair. Had - an - affair. You didn't ask him to move out, you didn't let him go to his mother whom she thinks that him and her grandchild are interfering with her life, you didn't change the locks, you didn't ask him to help you with an addiction while a lunatic is poisoning his life, you didn't bring the person to his house that scared him the most and passive aggresively called him "his" boyfriend.

If he still feel what you "did" is worse, then I consider you do the 180. Harder and stronger. He won't leave you, all he does is bluff. He bull**** himself about the gravity of his affair and he bull**** himself about what happened between you and G.

Focus on yourself and children and fight the guilt that makes you think you're letting him down by putting your needs in prior. This guilt is a product of dealing with his passive agressive attitude all these years.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

IMO, he had a PA the second they started sexting. I thought EA stood for EMOTIONAL affair? 

And yea, he brought up your past deeds the second his conscience started to bother him about his A. (2 years ago)


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

If your husband came here and told his side of your story and "G" everyone and their mother would be saying you were sleeping with that other guy. I think your husband never believed you for a second. 

In fact i find it extremely unbelievable that an independent woman with a daughter is this naive regarding a friend after she experiences that behavior from him.

That however doesn't excuse your husband's present behavior.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

Am I Dreaming? said:


> Let me say this gently. If I were your husband I wouldn't believe for a second you didn't sleep with "G". You lived in his house for an extended period of time. "G" is jealous and possessive of you and claimed to be in love with you. You were separated at the time.
> 
> You may very well have not slept with "G". Only you and "G" know the answer. But your husband is not being irrational in assuming you slept with "G". Every sign of a sexual relationship is present.


First, yes I understand from what I wrote that there would be questions about if I slept with “G” and never confessed. I would think the same thing reading my story. There's a lot more that I could write about what happened there, and this guy's behavior. But it would be a book.

He was a friend, letting me stay with him. At the time, having a relationship with anyone was out of the question, and even if it wasn’t, I was not attracted at all to this man. Of course now I see his behavior and how it changed – there should’ve been a big red light way before he told me he loved me - in fact, I should've known that he was being way too kind to me from the get go. There’s more to that and the way things turned from him being a great friend to being my worst fear. In hindsight, I see more now than I did then. And see it differently - what it really was.

I do however, understand how it sounds.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> But they "were" separated. He shouldn't have got back with her if he did think she slept with him. He was convinced that nothing happened when they got back together. He is using the argument as a way to justify his EA(PA).
> 
> OP, I would be worried if his EA/PA's started in 2010 when he brought up your old affairs.


That's my problem with this. It was never an issue - we discussed it when we got back together. He never questioned it much. Of course he questioned, but I was very honest, and he was OK with things. Till 2010. 

The only thing I can say about 2010, H started drinking again after 9 1/2 years. Any more A's, I didn't see any signs...But behavior definitely changed back to how it was before he quit drinking. 

But, obviously I'm not the brightest bulb when it comes to trusting.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

costa200 said:


> If your husband came here and told his side of your story and "G" everyone and their mother would be saying you were sleeping with that other guy. I think your husband never believed you for a second.
> 
> In fact i find it extremely unbelievable that an independent woman with a daughter is this naive regarding a friend after she experiences that behavior from him.
> 
> That however doesn't excuse your husband's present behavior.


Understood. As I said there's a lot more to how this all played out with "G". All's I can say is that it was very scary, and yes, looking back I think, how could I be so stupid to think this man was my friend and just wanted to help me out, no strings attached. 

But, if this was the case, and 10 years ago when we got back together, H and I discussed in great detail. And, yes - H and "G" had a couple of discussions where it was brought up. He never once said he didn't believe anything. If he did at that time, I would think that he would have addressed as a HUGE issue. Why did it wait 10 years then?


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

Torrivien said:


> Hi Lady,
> It seems that he used you staying with G as a way to rationalize his affair. I'm sorry, but I think he doesn't feel any remorse and worst, he thinks that he did nothing wrong and you still owe him for what happened when you seperated.
> 
> Quick question though, when G came and you had that ugly confrontation, did he lie about you two having sex or kissing ?
> ...


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

And BTW, to all...I have asked if we could BOTH get lie detector tests. It would answer all of my questions, and all of his. He didn't bite.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

So Sad Lady said:


> But, if this was the case, and 10 years ago when we got back together, H and I discussed in great detail. And, yes - H and "G" had a couple of discussions where it was brought up. He never once said he didn't believe anything. If he did at that time, I would think that he would have addressed as a HUGE issue. Why did it wait 10 years then?


Your husband never believed you and "G' did not get physical. He began to want to revive the marriage and knew he could not do that while accusing you. He accepted the "fact" that you slept with and were living with "G" and thought he could work through it on his own. He never dealt with it. It has been in the back of his mind for the last ten years.

He thinks that since he dealt with your "cheating" and moved on, now you should do the same for him. Bad idea.

You two have to talk about both situations and not rug sweep either. Deal with both now or both will continue to haunt your marriage.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> Your husband never believed you and "G' did not get physical. He began to want to revive the marriage and knew he could not do that while accusing you. He accepted the "fact" that you slept with and were living with "G" and thought he could work through it on his own. He never dealt with it. It has been in the back of his mind for the last ten years.
> 
> He thinks that since he dealt with your "cheating" and moved on, now you should do the same for him. Bad idea.
> 
> You two have to talk about both situations and not rug sweep either. Deal with both now or both will continue to haunt your marriage.


Agreed. I do want to say however, that when we were seperated, he went to treatment for alcohol abuse. When we got back together, he was still in some program where I would go with him and attend "therapy" sessions. This wasn't necessarily marriage counseling, but we did not rug sweep the seperation and what led us to that. We were both to blame 50/50 on the near demise of the marriage. We also talked a lot about what happened afterward, and I am not saying it was all easy, and that I just told him what was going on and he said, "OK". It was talked about, and it helped us grow.

One other thing I forgot to mention because to me it wasn't an issue. Well, it was, but we talked through it. When we got back together, he told me that he slept with someone once while I was gone. But I wasn't angry about that at all, because we were seperated! I would expect for both of us to move on. And who knows, if I didn't get mixed up with Mr. Crazy, maybe I would've too and there would have been a different outcome to our marriage. 

So, let's say that I did sleep with "G" (which, this is just LETS SAY, because I didn't). He slept with another woman during the time period. So if I was sleeping with someone - G or otherwise, how is that cheating, but he sleeps with someone and it's not? 

We were about a month away from finalized divorce. Assets split up, all agreements made. He slept with someone, fine. I didn't, but even if he thinks I did, why OK for him, and not for me? And why wouldn't I have told him back then if I did sleep with G? Especially after he told me about his fling.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

I might just do that - go do the lie detector test. Sucks though because I have to take a lie detector test because my H cheated on me after 18 years of marriage. Wow. 

I will say, he didn't start throwing the past back in my face until about a month after D-day, when he was getting sick of me coming home from work either in tears, in anger, or completely ignoring him. He said he had enough of it...move on...and when I couldn't just let it go, that's when the past started getting thrown at me. 

Also he says that he never thinks about it, and when I bring it up, it makes him embarrassed, and feel horrible. (Yah. Isn't that the point? He should!) So I think he's trying to make me feel horrible back. Or, since I don't believe there wasn't a PA, he's trying to make me feel like "see, you did something that I could question, and I did something you could question, so quit questioning". 
I don't know! ugh
But after so many years. Its so confusing.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

So Sad Lady said:


> Agreed. I do want to say however, that when we were seperated, he went to treatment for alcohol abuse. When we got back together, he was still in some program where I would go with him and attend "therapy" sessions. This wasn't necessarily marriage counseling, but we did not rug sweep the seperation and what led us to that. We were both to blame 50/50 on the near demise of the marriage. We also talked a lot about what happened afterward, and I am not saying it was all easy, and that I just told him what was going on and he said, "OK". It was talked about, and it helped us grow.
> 
> One other thing I forgot to mention because to me it wasn't an issue. Well, it was, but we talked through it. When we got back together, he told me that he slept with someone once while I was gone. But I wasn't angry about that at all, because we were seperated! I would expect for both of us to move on. And who knows, if I didn't get mixed up with Mr. Crazy, maybe I would've too and there would have been a different outcome to our marriage.
> 
> ...


It does not matter that you didn't have sex with "G". He still thinks you did. He tried to put the thoughts behind him and move on. Maybe he thought he was successful. 

He admitted he slept with a woman while you were separated. Now you want to know if you did the same why is he still hung up about it ten years latter. The simple answer is that he thinks you are still lying about sleeping with "G". Many have said that the sex during an affair did not bother them as much as the lies and deception.

Now you think he is lying about the EA and you think it went PA. You think he is lying he thinks you are lying. You have to get to the truth and you both have to be comfortable with it to save the marriage.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> It does not matter that you didn't have sex with "G". He still thinks you did. He tried to put the thoughts behind him and move on. Maybe he thought he was successful.
> 
> He admitted he slept with a woman while you were separated. Now you want to know if you did the same why is he still hung up about it ten years latter. The simple answer is that he thinks you are still lying about sleeping with "G". Many have said that the sex during an affair did not bother them as much as the lies and deception.
> 
> Now you think he is lying about the EA and you think it went PA. You think he is lying he thinks you are lying. You have to get to the truth and you both have to be comfortable with it to save the marriage.


No, I want to know why - when we got back together to rebuild, and when we discussed everything, and went through things with a fine tooth comb, that he didn't accuse me of lying, or dig deeper. Why, when he did something now, it's used as ammunition. 

I have asked him this! And yeah, I get the hiding stuff. I didn't like it when he yelled at me three months ago, made me cry, took his phone down to OUR (as in half MY) boat, sat in the captain's chair, took a picture of his dck, sent it to another woman and told her he wanted her to suck it. And she came back with a pic of herself, and told him she's pretending he's licking it. And when I asked him about it before I could get to the phone records, he said he was down there texting people to plan a surprise for my birthday! So, yeah, I get it. I get how hiding stuff and lying kills.

If he truly thought I was lying, and it hurt him that much, then how come NOTHING was said for ten years. And if it did hurt that much, how could he go and do what he did. Then during the first month when he felt all bad, he said, "I didn't know my actions would hurt you as much as they did, I didn't think you would be this way". Well, if you really felt betrayed, I think you'd understand. 

Why? If he truly thinks I'm lying and hiding stuff from that long ago, wouldn't he be truly hurt and sad? Why would he be surprised that this hurt me so much, if he in fact believes that I have been lying to him. 

What else can I do....but take it when I need to talk to him about my feelings. He can look G up, and call him (god only knows where he is), he has talked to my daughter who is now in her 20s - back when this happened - she was there! He can talk to my friends, they all knew what was up. I'll just go do the lie detector... I have no fears of that at all. 100%. 

But it's workin for him. Got me all thinking about the past so that I don't have to remember the pictures I did manage to get off the phone, and the texts between them talking about what they'd do to eachother... God it's DISGUSTING. 

But I guess it worked, took my focus off of that for a while.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

You are being played and are falling for it hook, line and sinker.

The reason he brought it up after ten years is that he had to justify why he had an A in his own mind and there was nothing else he could grab on to. Sitting and asking why, thinking that it was an unresolved issue or pondering it for more than 1/2 a second detracts from the fact that your husband had an A for no reason whatsoever other than he wanted to and is trying to blame you for it. Why you think this is okay, even if you slept with "G", is beyond me. You seem to be an intelligent woman with a brain. Start using it.

Why you ever accepted him returning to the bottle is beyond me. We both know how alcohol empowers people (alcoholics and non-alcoholics alike) to do things they would not normally do. His drinking was a huge part of why the marriage started to fall apart way back when. You are torn up about his A but fail to realize that the bottle is more of an obstacle in your happiness than even his A.

You are allowing him to have an A and then throw it back on you. That is unacceptable in anyone's situation and you deserve more. Put your foot down and love yourself enough to stop that crap right now.



So Sad Lady said:


> She had texted him for a job reference and he proceeded to talk to her until he got her to send topless photos and one thing led to another and it was a full blown sexting EA.


How does that happen? We go from a request from a job reference to topless pics? I smell a rat here and he has alcohol on his breath.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

And the line that I get "Get over it, I did". Obviously everyone here is right. If he really believed that I slept with "G", he didn't get over it. 

He lied to me for 10 years then. He hid that from me for 10 years then. 

Hadn't a clue. Now I feel like my whole marriage was a lie on his part. Maybe he had every right to cheat. 

I hate this.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

No, he had no right to cheat. No one does. He had a right to end the marriage. That way you at least get to know what is happening in your relationship. Cheating is cowardly, and never, ever justified.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

He was over it! With the alcohol counseling you both worked through you surely would have heard about it as it would have been a huge issue to work through for his sobriety.

He has thrown a very effective smoke screen and is playing off your guilt/remorse over the past with "G" (I believe you when you say you did not sleep with "G" btw).

You are not doing yourself or him any favors by allowing him to sweep his A with "G". You deserve so much more.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

H is using your time with G to justify his affair. However that being said I understand his thinking and in his mind he has always figured, that you and G were intimate......You maybe 100% INNOCENT but (human nature dictates otherwise) and this has been eating him up on the inside. 

How well does G and H know each other?Unknown to you they may have been talking about this whole situation in detail.

I honestly say I have empathy for both you and H.In some way you have done or said something to G to make him feel he was more than a friend.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

No, she probably did not say or do anything to G. People have crushes, and grow strong attractions all on their own, without any input from the object of their affection, from time to time. This is not the OP's fault. She does need to put her foot down though, and try to get het H to deal with his problems, and she has to deal with her own problems too.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

I agree with SadandAngry. The description of G fall right in the crazy crazy that feels that everybody should be grateful to every breath he takes and should reciprocate all of his feelings.
In my post, I asked her if G said anything about having sex and she replied that she took the initiative herself by telling him how could he be this in love while they didn't do anything. I mean for logic's sake the guy actually went to meet with her husband and asked him to step aside.

I'm glad she's starting to feel detached. The biggest sign is that she doesn't miss him and she actually feel better that he isn't around. I'm sorry that her husband blew the chances of a reconciliation but he can only blame himself.

She shouldn't be taken hostage because of the children. Divorce is a thousand times better than being in a household of a two parents jumping at each other throats.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

Falene said:


> You are being played and are falling for it hook, line and sinker.
> 
> The reason he brought it up after ten years is that he had to justify why he had an A in his own mind and there was nothing else he could grab on to. Sitting and asking why, thinking that it was an unresolved issue or pondering it for more than 1/2 a second detracts from the fact that your husband had an A for no reason whatsoever other than he wanted to and is trying to blame you for it. Why you think this is okay, even if you slept with "G", is beyond me. You seem to be an intelligent woman with a brain. Start using it.
> 
> ...


Falene - H admitted he was looking to have an affair...I pretty much stopped all sex within the last year. I take responsibility for that part, I'm not dumb...I know men will stray without that... I just didn't think he would actually do it. Just thought we had to work things out.
The OW is a woman that he and I both worked with until 2009. She always wanted him, he knew it, I knew it. But he had nothing good to say about her (she really is a mess)...And in fact, he was one of the people that decided to lay her off, because she was a bad employee. He said she texted him for a job reference (she does NOT know - even to this day, that he had a hand in her career demise)...His explanation to me was blunt. "I was horny, I wanted someone to tell me they wanted me... I knew SHE would be willing to play with a married man." 
As far as drinking, yeah, that's another issue. Since D-day he hasn't had a drop. He knows it's an issue, but I would not allow him to blame the A on drinking...which was his first defense. 
I am not dumb. I know in my head what I know. But darn it, we have so much history, and I love him. That's really what this is. Regardless of what has happened, I love him.
And its so frustrating. Heart and head collide....


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

mel123 said:


> How well does G and H know each other?Unknown to you they may have been talking about this whole situation in detail.
> 
> *No, H and G didn't know eachother. They did talk the one time, when H chased him down for stalking our house before H brought him back. H told me that when he got G to stop that day, the only thing they said to each other was this. H said, "What are you doing, driving by my house?" G said, "I love her, man". H said, "So do I." G said, "you don't understand". H said, "I don't need to, why don't you go tell HER how you feel, instead of driving by our house". G agreed, and the rest was covered earlier.*
> 
> I honestly say I have empathy for both you and H.In some way you have done or said something to G to make him feel he was more than a friend.


*In retrospect, I've looked a lot at what I have done to make G think there was anything else. The only thing I know is that I thought he was a very helpful friend. Letting me stay at his place, and me talking to him about my fears of the divorce, and what I wanted out of the next part of my life...Things you tell your BFF. Thats what I thought we were. I have since figured out that girls and guys can't be BFFs. And ever since then, I have gone out of my way to never befriend any men - even at work. Just because it really screwed me up because I didn't think I ever EVER EVER did anything to lead G down the path that we would be anything more than just friends. I felt like a fool when it all went down. Still do. *


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

Torrivien said:


> I agree with SadandAngry. The description of G fall right in the crazy crazy that feels that everybody should be grateful to every breath he takes and should reciprocate all of his feelings.
> In my post, I asked her if G said anything about having sex and she replied that she took the initiative herself by telling him how could he be this in love while they didn't do anything. I mean for logic's sake the guy actually went to meet with her husband and asked him to step aside.
> 
> I'm glad she's starting to feel detached. The biggest sign is that she doesn't miss him and she actually feel better that he isn't around. I'm sorry that her husband blew the chances of a reconciliation but he can only blame himself.
> ...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

G lied to your husband and told him you two did have sex?


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

get a lawyer


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> G lied to your husband and told him you two did have sex?


 no. G did not say we had sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

You don't have to dump your husband but you MUST stop allowing him to play you like a fiddle.

Actions, good or bad, have consequences. There should be consequences for treating you like crap.

If you find that you demanding to be treated as you deserve does no good. If you find the consequences are worth the price to him then you dump his arse.

Withholding sex for a year? Why? If you mentioned the reason(s), I missed it.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

OP... I believe you are INNOCENT about the sex with G. However if my wife had stayed at Gs house, I would believe the SAME thing he is believing. I am not justifying his A, he done wrong.

Little girls grow up thinking about relationships, playing house, dolls etc. Little boys grow up thinking about their pen1s. cant help it, even a baby , one minute its soft, next minute its hard and has a nice sensitivity to touch.

And we as men know what other men are thinking, and H was right apparently about what G.was thinking about. I am on YOUR side. But I also I think H really believes in his own mind something sexual did happen, even though he is wrong.


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

So Sad Lady: When you separated and moved in with "G" were you considering getting back with your husband, or were the both of you thinking that the marriage had ended? My point is that when you were separated you surrendered any hold you had on your H and he on you.
The "G" thing smacks of excuse. It is immaterial. He had no hold on you and no right to complaint. I believe that you did not sleep with "G" but so what if you had? The reason your H could get over your "indiscretion" is that there wasn't anything to get over. Early in our marriage my wife had an EA and that was a real issue but we survived. Later when we did separate she started dating and had several lovers. At that time we had no intention of reconciling and were moving toward divorce. After nearly three years separated we started dating and got back together. I have no problem with her ex-boyfriends because I felt I didnt have the right. I have even met some of them. I would be inclined to say the ball is in your court. Is it more painful to stay than it is to go? Is there something about your H that makes him better for you than someone else? It might not be worth your effort.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

@ Mel, I agree with you about what was G thinking. I mean even though he wouldn't have done anything of this craziness, he would have thought about having sex with her. But men can control their urges or understand that the thoughts come from hormones, and just how easy for men to be aroused, than interpret moving in with him as a sign of having a crush.

I do think that her husband hasn't any right to blame her for that, though. She moved out, he was right with it, he should have found a way to help her in her staying.
He also should have blamed himself for risking her own safety. G could have done a lot worse than being angry with her. He could have harmed her. And it's his job as his man to seek that she doesn't end up in similar situation. Whatever situation they are in.

I don't think he's convinced she had sex. I don't buy it. He's just using this to lift the conversation from his affair. I mean she can't justify her innocence and give him a beating about the affair at the same time. And he's wrong on every level:
Either he's cowarding out of a real conversation about the affair, or he spent ten years lying to her about what he thinks of the whole G thing. Either he wasn't honest during the ten years, or he's not being honest now. In my opinion, there's no big difference.

I think you did right, lady, by not responding to him when he brought the affair up. It may be hard sometimes, especially if he throws it so viciously, I wouldn't resist yelling back and falling into that trap. He'll may try harder to get you anger or make you feel guilty this time, but indifference can bring great results.
I wish I had a remedy for love, but there isn't. You can't argue with your feelings, they're just too powerful to see logic.
All I can do is that you earned the right to focus on yourself and let him deal with whatever reasoning and train of thought. He's not the judge of your past, Dday isn't a trial and your marriage is surely not a court.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

Falene said:


> You don't have to dump your husband but you MUST stop allowing him to play you like a fiddle.
> 
> Actions, good or bad, have consequences. There should be consequences for treating you like crap.
> 
> ...


I didn't really withhold sex. It was more like "infrequent". I don't know. I thought maybe it was medical or hormonal, just didn't "work" for me. I had no interest. And the romance part died down (of course it would after being with him for 23 years) - It turned into him just saying, "ya wanna?" And sometimes I'd say yes, but mostly no. But I didn't try hard enough, and I've said before I do take responsibility for this - I DO KNOW that if a man isn't getting it at home, he'll go elsewhere. I don't know why I thought my husband was so special that he would never do that, though. 
The only good thing about this whole ordeal is that the hysterical bonding has shown me that I don't have medical or hormonal issues!


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

Thinkitthrough said:


> I would be inclined to say the ball is in your court. Is it more painful to stay than it is to go? Is there something about your H that makes him better for you than someone else? It might not be worth your effort.


I have been with this man for 23 years. Married almost 18. I can't even comprehend "someone else". If we do not make it through our problems, if we do in fact part ways, I do not think I would ever get close to another man. 
So, I guess a better question would be "Is there something about your H that makes him better for you than being alone?" And that's ok. I'm not afraid to be alone. I would be just fine. We have a lot of history, and when it comes down to it, we do love each other, I know that. 
Just gotta figure out if love is enough, in this mess that's been made.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

Torrivien said:


> I think you did right, lady, by not responding to him when he brought the affair up. It may be hard sometimes, especially if he throws it so viciously, I wouldn't resist yelling back and falling into that trap. He'll may try harder to get you anger or make you feel guilty this time, but indifference can bring great results.
> I wish I had a remedy for love, but there isn't. You can't argue with your feelings, they're just too powerful to see logic.
> All I can do is that you earned the right to focus on yourself and let him deal with whatever reasoning and train of thought. He's not the judge of your past, Dday isn't a trial and your marriage is surely not a court.


Thanks, Torrivien. That's what I'm really trying to work on now, is my own reactions. In the first month or two, I really went off the deep end - not just with crying jags but fits of complete anger. Yelling and spewing at him, all night, drag out fights. Maybe if I hadn't reacted that way, he wouldn't have felt the need to throw stuff back at me. Regardless, I can only control my words, my anger, my sadness and my reactions. 
I'm feeling better with the anger and the sadness, for the most part. I'm done spending energy on negative feelings. 
Just focusing on what to do next. What is best for me.


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