# Is my wife having an emotional affair or am I being ridiculous?



## Thumbs (Aug 3, 2013)

My wife and I have been married for 10 years. Up until recently it seemed like the perfect relationship. We communicate well. We have fun. We are best friends. It has been the one thing in my life that I am the most proud of. We are perfect together, or so I thought...

She is a little shy and doesn't have many friends. After she spent a year of being unemployed (to raise our lovely puppy) I suggested she get a job. She can make friends, feel independent, and grow as a person. She got a job at a restaurant.

As a waitress she has to work a lot of evenings. Our time together got shrunk to 1 day and 1 evening a week. We would argue about her taking another evening off of work. We are wealthy enough that the job was always more about her personal growth than it was about her bank account, but she is very responsible and the restaurant depends on her. 

She started going out with her coworkers once a week. That is great really. Its what we wanted. She was making friends and having fun. I encouraged her to do whatever with whoever she wanted. I had my poker nights with the guys and she had her going out with coworker nights. That is when it started to get weird.

She started going out more and staying out later. A regular Friday night outing turned into Friday and Saturday, then Friday, Saturday, and Tuesday. She was staying out until 4-5AM. We would argue about it. It was effecting my sleep and my performance at work. I demanded that she stop because it was unfair to me, but she wouldn't. I tried to win her over by offering fancy breakfasts in the morning, but it didn't matter. Our sex life was suffering by then and she was acting like she was "over me". Then it happened...

She went out on Friday and Saturday until 5AM even after promising me that she wouldn't do it that weekend. We had a big fight. She relented and promised to stop. She told me she would make me happy again. I thought it was over, but it wasn't. She did it again 3 days later on Wednesday only this time she lied. She told me she was going out at 11PM when she got off work; I got mad; she said she was coming home; she didn't get home until 3AM. That is when she said she was "unhappy with our marriage".

I asked her if she was having an affair or if she was getting close with one of her coworkers and she promised she wasn't. I knew we had a problem and I talked her into going to a marriage counselor and working it out. She wanted some time alone which I agreed to give her 2 weeks to be alone and sort out her feelings.

Then she went out again the next weekend, but didn't come home at all. That wasn't a big deal. I was supposed to be giving her time.

While up late (couldn't sleep) I decided to check her mobile phone records. I found 20 texts a day to one particular coworker. I found 4 calls a day averaging 15 minutes each to the same coworker. That is when I knew she was being dishonest. I confronted her the next morning. Turns out she spent the night at that same coworker's house. She deliberately hadn't told me about him before because "he is just a friend" and "he is the only person she can talk to about our problems". She didn't want me to get jealous so she lied to me about him. I had never been jealous about anything she ever did so it seemed really strange.

This coworker is a guy I know. He is really great. I like him. He is 25, lives with his mom and seems to have a lot of respect for me. I truly believe that they weren't physical at all. I also believe that he is genuinely just trying to help a friend in need. The problem is that she had been spending more time with him than me. She was clearly emotionally dependent on him and was willing to lie to me so that she could continue to see him.

I asked her as clearly as I could to stop seeing him. I told her that I think she is too emotionally involved with him and that its effecting my relationship with her. She said I was being too controlling and refused to stop seeing him.

I called him on the phone. I told him that I appreciate his concern for her, but I think he is just making things worse. She has a family that can help her and spending time with a single man isn't appropriate for a married woman. He agreed and said he would end it. I told my wife about the conversation and she got really mad. She told me that I just ruined her friendship with the only person she could really talk to.

This is where I might have gone too far, but I think I would rather go too far then not go far enough. By now I was convinced that she was having an emotional affair and I felt like I needed to do more. I called her boss and told him everything. I called her mom and told her everything. I called her best friend and told her everything. These are all people that I know well and consider to be close to me and my wife. Maybe I was just being vindictive, but I wanted this to be out in the open for all to see. I wanted her infidelity to be judged by her peers, not hidden and allowed to fester.

Of course everyone wanted to call her and see what is going on. Her mom gave her the best advice and courage to work things out with me. Her best friend demanded that she tell her all her plans and just wanted to know everything. Her boss got pissed at her for bringing her marital problems into the workplace. It was probably a bit humiliating. She was fuming by then.

I've been trying to keep my interaction with her positive telling her that we can work it out and we'll take a vacation when we do to rediscover each other. I love her so much. I would do anything for her. I am affraid she is going to hate me now anyway.

She thinks I am too controlling and I probably am. She thinks I should have kept it all a secret. She thinks she will be a pariah at work now and I am guiltily happy about that.

She will be out of the house for probably a week while she sorts things out. I even helped her find a place to stay. I am supposed to leave her alone, but all I want to do is help my sweet wife get past this so we can get on with figuring out why it all happened in the first place. I'll make any change for her and I would do anything in my power to make this work. It is my #1 priority in life right now and I don't know where to go from here.


----------



## wtf2012 (Oct 22, 2012)

You can't see it now but you are doing all the right things. She is having an affair, my guess is physical by now. You need to stop worrying about her and start worrying about you. I suggest a lawyer and a plan to protect your assetts. I know you aren't thinking divorce right now, but I have a feeling this is going to get worse before it better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

More than likely they have had sex several times. Get a polygraph. You will need to risk losing her to keep her. Sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Im sorry your here Thumbs, your not alone.

I know you feel the weight of the world coming down on you. How old are you and your wife? I want you to know that for the next few weeks, couple of months, theres NOTHING you can do to make things better really, just worse. Make sure you give her time and space.

You will find her blaming you for a LOT more than you think, its a common practice for spouses to rewrite marital history so they can justify in their mind their actions. Your going to have to grow some thick skin, cause the blame game is just getting started. Your going to have to learn patience on a level you never thought existed.

Your going to have to this alone, involving close friends and family are going to make things worse. Use these forums to vent, get advice, or just come read when your having a bad day. Below I will link 37 rules you will need to start implementing into your life for the time being. 

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf.

21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes


The objective on these rules for now is, work on yourself (make sure you eat, get plenty of sleep, and don't sit home doing nothing-keep yourself busy), all while trying to keep some distance with your wife. You see theres a little trick for now, although that's not what your long term goals are, make your wife miss you, make yourself mysterious as to your wife wanting to know what YOUR doing. Its gonna be hard, but you need to follow this as best as you can.

Pick up a copy of Divorce Remedy: 

The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage: Michele Weiner Davis: 9780684873251: Amazon.com: Books

either at the local bookstore, amazon, or directly from the website.

DivorceBusting.com - Forums powered by UBB.threads™

And schedule yourself with an independent counselor or a divorce busting phone coach right away. They're both about the same price, but the phone coaching is tweaked for your own personal situation.

Prepare yourself that marriage counseling right now is the WORST thing you could do, a lot of spouses use it to justify walking away from the marriage, and use the excuse "well, I tried, it didnt work out". Prepare yourself that this isn't gonna be a couple/few weeks either.

Right now believe half of what she does, and NONE of what she says. She will never admit if the affair has gone physical, and unless you have actual proof, DONT bring it up, or you will cause her to go underground. Thus, pushing her further away.

Stay strong, keep on keeping on. Take care of what you can control, and for now, that's only you.

Update your thread as much as you want/need. Don't mind read.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Thumbs said:


> "he is the only person she can talk to about our problems".
> 
> 
> She told me that I just ruined her friendship with the only person she could really talk to.


Sorry for your situation.Definitely an EA and probably more.It should be you she is referring to in the above,but she is more worried about ruining their 'friendship' than destroying you and your marriage.

You talk about you changing,but its the other way around.Have you put your marriage in a precarious position? Have you been staying out until 4-5am two or three nights a week? Have you stayed at another woman's overnight and lied about it? Have you told your wife that another woman basically is fulfilling your emotional needs.Doesn't appear that way to me.

By the way,she just might want to separate to try the affair on for size.You're fast becoming the back up plan,if you're not already.

You might want to have this moved to the CWI forum as you'll receive some good input from others who've been where you are.Take care.


----------



## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Thumbs said:


> I don't know where to go from here.


Talk about pulling the rug out from under the cake-eater.

They really hate when they are no longer in control, having the betrayed spouse doing the "Pick me" dance.

Whatever they want to call it, whether it is an emotional affair or not - the behavior is unacceptable.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

She's exhibiting all of the classic signs of an affair, specifically a physical affair. One thing that is completely, completely predictable about people who are unfaithful is that they lie. I don't think you can trust anything your W tells you unfortunately.

I suggest you ask to have this thread moved to the CWI forum to get specialized help with this.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Thumbs said:


> My wife and I have been married for 10 years. Up until recently it seemed like the perfect relationship. We communicate well. We have fun. We are best friends. It has been the one thing in my life that I am the most proud of. We are perfect together, or so I thought...
> 
> She is a little shy and doesn't have many friends. After she spent a year of being unemployed (to raise our lovely puppy) I suggested she get a job. She can make friends, feel independent, and grow as a person. She got a job at a restaurant.
> 
> ...



I could post on each step but sorry for being negative you made bad choice after bad choice after bad choice. You enabled your wife to have an affair. She needed to go NC with this guy. Instead you set her up so she could continue.

You do know she will be banging this guy steadily for that week.

Yes, indeed you are jealous, insecure and controlling. She wants her boy toy and you want her to not have sex with him.


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

You need to brace yourself for the fact that she is having a full blown PA with this guy.


----------



## kacy (Jun 30, 2013)

This message is for THUMPER.
How do I build this in myself?

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

What are some examples? 

I am a female in her late 20s who needs advice on this. I am new to marriage and am happy with my husband when he is around and loving and when we get into fights I cannot be emotionally independent. Its like I need us to be happy for me to be happy. Sometimes I feel he is not as caring of my feelings and wants as I am of him.


----------



## kacy (Jun 30, 2013)

kacy said:


> How do I build this in myself?
> 
> *7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.*
> 
> ...





Thumper said:


> Im sorry your here Thumbs, your not alone.
> 
> I know you feel the weight of the world coming down on you. How old are you and your wife? I want you to know that for the next few weeks, couple of months, theres NOTHING you can do to make things better really, just worse. Make sure you give her time and space.
> 
> ...


----------



## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

It means don't ask if things are going to be alright, don't ask if he/she is cheating, don't ask if he/she is being faithful, don't ask he/she thinks about you, don't ask what their thinking/whats on their mind.

Always act "as if" nothing in bothering you. Don't show your scared, depressed, upset, out of control, not dealing with things. 
Act as if your in total control, that your not gonna let him/her drag you down, its not the end of the world, your moving on.

Even if its a total façade, we know early on theres going to be a lot of faking it till you make it going on. You must not let your spouse see its tearing you up.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I can't believe you seriously think they're not screwing.


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

MrK said:


> I can't believe you seriously think they're not screwing.


Gamma males are all about denial. It's a mind set they have.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Gamma males are all about denial. It's a mind set they have.


:slap::slap:


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

MrK said:


> I can't believe you seriously think they're not screwing.


Not only that he calls the guy and politely asks him to back off. OP, I'm pretty sure they are both laughing at you behind your back. I'd start walking away from this situation if I were you.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Actually, its already time for a lawyer. She has already found her a new man. Kick her out and read the two books in my signature. At every step of the way, you have made the wrong decision.


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Sorry bud she is cheating on you. She is almost definitely sleeping with this guy. Everything in your post is standard cheater's script. Right now you are still in denial, it's normal, happened to almost all of us.

Start preparing yourself that your marriage is over.

You can not reconcile with someone that is in the middle of an affair.

The best way to handle these situations is to hand her the divorce papers. Make sure you do not move out of the home, you have not done anything wrong.

Get a lawyer now, start getting your finances in order. Separate your bank accounts, cancel joint credit cards, move important personal belongings to a storage unit only you have access to.

Proceed with the divorce, if after MONTHS of separation she continues to be remorseful and show it through action, THEN you can call it off if you need to.

Do not make the mistake so many of us make and accept a false reconciliation. She will cry, tell you how much she loves you, how awesome you are, everything you want to hear. It's all a front though, if she really loved you she wouldn't be banging another dude while she lies about it (and why in god's name would she lie to you to go sleep over with someone else and you think it wasn't "physical", this isn't kindergarden).

True remorse will take the form of her making major life changes and proving her dedication to your marriage over many months. Regretfully, she'll probably tire of the charade quickly and escalate the situation with the OM.


----------



## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I agree with the replies. I think we could almost make a form letter for this type of affair evolvement that the betrayed could just fill in their info.
" Hi I'm _______, my wife................girls night out...........coming home early in the morning..................says she is confused and needs time to figure it out............"

It's all classic cheater script and it's likely gone physical.
Drive over there late at night and her car will be there and I'm sure she won't be on the couch.
If this is a deal breaker for you than it's time to file for a divorce.


----------



## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

logged in to say wtf man, wtf. Please do not have sex with this lady and chance getting her pregnant.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

What??? Adults don't have sleep overs unless there is sex involved.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Thumbs said:


> She wanted some time alone which I agreed to give her 2 weeks to be alone and sort out her feelings.


 Cheaters want space to cheat. During this time where you are suppose to give her space, the other man (OM) gets to see her all that he wants, and with you out of the way he will be spending even more time with her.



Thumbs said:


> While up late (couldn't sleep) I decided to check her mobile phone records. I found 20 texts a day to one particular coworker. I found 4 calls a day averaging 15 minutes each to the same coworker. That is when I knew she was being dishonest. I confronted her the next morning. Turns out she spent the night at that same coworker's house. She deliberately hadn't told me about him before because "he is just a friend" and "he is the only person she can talk to about our problems". She didn't want me to get jealous so she lied to me about him.


 She secretly spent the night with the OM and lied to you about it. There is almost no marriage where the husband would be OK with this. Most men would file for divorce over this alone.



Thumbs said:


> This coworker is a guy I know. He is really great. I like him. He is 25, lives with his mom and seems to have a lot of respect for me. I truly believe that they weren't physical at all. I also believe that he is genuinely just trying to help a friend in need.


 He is not a nice guy, he is not your friend, it was physical, and he is trying to steal your wife from you. So far he is winning without even a fight from you. Her so called need is to tell him why you suck as a husband and he is only too happy to be there for her for that. Google "How to pick up on married women" and you will see that the script calls for him to get her to bash her husband while pretending to be just her a friend.



Thumbs said:


> I asked her as clearly as I could to stop seeing him. I told her that I think she is too emotionally involved with him and that its effecting my relationship with her. She said I was being too controlling and refused to stop seeing him.


 This should be a non-negotiable demand. You do not ask her to stop cheating on you. You tell her that if she does not that you will be filing for divorce and mean it.



Thumbs said:


> She thinks I am too controlling and I probably am.


 No you are not. You should never have let it get this far.



Thumbs said:


> She thinks I should have kept it all a secret.


 If she was doing nothing wrong and it was all in your head, she would not need to keep it a secret as everyone would be agreeing with her.



Thumbs said:


> She will be out of the house for probably a week while she sorts things out. I even helped her find a place to stay. I am supposed to leave her alone.


 Do not leave her alone to cheat some more. This allows her to see the OM any time that she wants.

I am not sure why you want to stay married to her, but if you do you need to man up right now. You need to be willing to end a marriage to have a chance at having a marriage worth saving. Tell her that she must agree to the following or you will file for divorce and mean it. One, she must move back in today, no more space to cheat. Two, she must go full no contact with the OM. Three, she must agree to full transparency without complaint, which includes giving you all passwords. And four, she must come straight home from work. Be prepared for the fact that she is so use to pushing you around, that she will at first say no to these demands; only when contact an attorney and begin filing for divorce will she take you seriously on this. Now for the bad news. You may be too late to save your marriage, but the odds only get worse the longer that you wait to stand up and end the bull.


----------



## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> This coworker is a guy I know. He is really great. I like him. He is 25, lives with his mom and seems to have a lot of respect for me. I truly believe that they weren't physical at all. I also believe that he is genuinely just trying to help a friend in need. The problem is that she had been spending more time with him than me. She was clearly emotionally dependent on him and was willing to lie to me so that she could continue to see him.


You need to WAKE THE %^CK UP!!!! Your thankful to a guy who is taking your wife. And how many 4am nights out does it take for you to finally say something? Nice guys finish last.


----------

