# Infidelity and Separation days before Christmas.



## regrowth (Dec 21, 2012)

Hello, this is my first time posting. I made my account here because I need to talk to someone and get things off my chest.

First I would like to say I am 24 and I have been married for 2 years to a woman who is 32 and has a child(my stepson). We were together for a total of 4 years and she says I am the "love of her life"

About 8 months back I was really focused on school. So focused in fact I did not pay my wife as much attention as I should. One day she came home late from "being out with her friends" but never texted me or contacted me that night which i found odd. I was curious so I looked through her phone, I noticed she had a guys number saved as a girl's name who she had contacted. 

When i asked her about this she told me that she changed that number to a girl so i wouldn't get paranoid she was hanging out with a guy and I also found a picture of some guys abs on her phone as well. 1 month later she locked her keys in her car where she works and her phone, i drove up to give her a new set of keys. I asked to look at her phone just because i was curious she refused to let me.

For a couple of months after these two incidents nothing really happened that was out of the ordinary. However, i was still paranoid about these incidents and never really believed her stories. I asked her to swear on her child that she didn't cheat which she did(i know im excessive). Then i would think about this on the drive to work and school everyday it was tearing me up inside for months and my wife would reassure me it is just my paranoia making me feel this way.

Anyway say about 6-7 months later, She went out with her girl friend and told me she was shopping. My phone was broken so i was texting her through Facebook. The thing about Facebook texting is it tells you the location of where you send each message. So when she got home i brought up the fact that she wasn't where she said she was when i asked her what she was doing. Then she finally gave it up that she made the mistake and cheated on me during the first incident 6 months ago. That night she told me she cheated, she was at that guys house from 6 months ago, but she told me nothing happened while she was there the night of the facebook texting. 

I am skeptical toward anything she says. I told her i was leaving i couldnt take the lies and i dont think i could trust her again to let me suffer this much and not tell me the truth until i found out 6 months later. She started balling her eyes out and telling me she wanted to die and that i was the love of her life. That she wouldn't sign the divorce agreement and we should go to counseling.


I could barely get the feeling that she was lying to me out of my head before she confirmed she cheated and i couldn't trust her then. Now that i know she cheated i trust her even less and im sick of these images in my head of her with another man.

btw. I am not her first husband, she cheated on her first husband as well.

I have numerous questions for anyone who took the time to read this which i greatly appreciate.

-Am i being to rash by leaving?

-Should i take the time to try counseling or should i try to find someone who has a better history with being faithful?

-Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with this? One minute im screaming as loud as I can. The next i am crying. And sometimes i feel like committing suicide. with small bouts of relief in-between.

Any tips from someone experienced with these types of situations would be greatly appreciated


----------



## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

*regrowth:*

A few things come to mind:

She is lying through her teeth.

Do not cry in front of her or beg - period.

No - you are not being rash by leaving


Others will be along to add more insightful suggestions.


----------



## regrowth (Dec 21, 2012)

I dont cry infront of her, she thinks i have no feelings for her.

She is crying in front of me basically begging me to stay.

She admitted cheating, but she said it was just "oral" but i don't really believe that.


----------



## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Read the newbie post by AlmostRecovered ASAP. Most of what you are feeling is normal for a betrayed spouse. Just breathe.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

Move on. You can find better. Just getting out of school and about to start your life. Don't need this kind of baggage to weigh you down.


----------



## regrowth (Dec 21, 2012)

RightfulRiskTaker, I could not find it that thread, could you give me a link perhaps?


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The link for the newbie thread is in my signature.

Please read it thoroughly. It's long but you need to know what it says.


----------



## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

regrowth said:


> I dont cry infront of her, *she thinks i have no feelings for her.*
> 
> BS - she KNOWS better
> 
> ...


----------



## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

First things first. Let's put some true perspective on this so you can feel a bit more at ease. She cheated on her first husband now again on you. CLEARLY, the common denominator here is her. She has deep issues that are unresolved (entitlement, selfish, personality disorder perhaps..) . Whatever they may be they are not your fault. You did nothing to cause this. Also, the issues do not excuse her behavior. 

Life is hard and marriage is hard. You two are supposed to be in it together. She's a selfish jerk for betraying you like that. 

With all that said, you are going to hear many replies here which will state something along the same lines. Give her consequences, work on yourself and your own happiness (investigate what the 180 is) and do not forgive her or rugsweep this anytime soon. Take the next few months to show her you have self-respect and to determine if you want to continue or move on. 

Do not go to marriage counselling until she has written a no contact letter to OM (other man) and has gone to IC (individual counselling) to get at the root cause of her reckless and horrendous behaviour. She must know the true reasons why she does this and has put in serious work to fix that part of herself before she can be in a relationship with you. You tell her this.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

PLEASE, if you are having suicidal thoughts, get help. See someone. If it's immediate, call a hotline. She is NOT worth that.


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

regrowth said:


> -Am i being to rash by leaving?
> 
> *Not rash at all. I know it seems like a long time, but 2 years of marriage is quite short. You should still be honeymooning and here she already a 6 month adulterous. Personally, I would run like hell, and never look back.
> *
> ...


----------



## bff (Jul 24, 2012)

A couple things, here:

First, if you have any thoughts of suicide at all, GET HELP! Get to a friend or family member's house or call one of the hotlines. This is not a time to be alone.

Second, no matter how inattentive you might have been, it is NOT YOUR FAULT that your wife cheated. That is HER decision, so do not carry any of that blame on your shoulders.

Third, lying is like an addition. Liars will pile lies on top of lies to protect their lies and their secrets. That she cheated before and has cheated again probably means that this is a pretty good indication of what the rest of your life would be like. There might be 10 good years but then, when you least expect it, you get that suspicious feeling back... and your gut is probably right.

Dude, you're WAY too young to start your "adult life" off like this. You deserve better. Ultimately, only you can make the decision, but don't let guilt or what others might think of your decision make up your mind. You only get one time to be 25 then 26 then 27, etc. I'm not saying you should cut and run at the first sign of any adversity, but a woman who makes the decision to blow another guy while married and then lie about it for months and months - no man deserves that crap. You've got my support if you move on.

From one betrayed man to another - you can't change the circumstance you're in right now, but you have TOTAL CONTROL of your reaction to it and every action you take from here on out. Consider your choices, and don't make any decisions out of convenience. Think about the life you want 2, 5 or 10 years from now.

Best of luck to you. There's never a good time to find out, but sooner is always better than later, even if that's right before Christmas.

BFF


----------



## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

You need to give yourself some time before you make any decisions. You can tell her this. You should have your own space if possible. Anywhere you can go? A friends? Parents? .. so you can clear your head and calm down some. I really think you need to physically get away from her for awhile.


----------



## regrowth (Dec 21, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> PLEASE, if you are having suicidal thoughts, get help. See someone. If it's immediate, call a hotline. She is NOT worth that.


I think about how it would be easier, but i am not seriously considering it, although i do keep thinking to myself that if the world ended today it wouldn't be so bad...


----------



## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I went through this exact scenario years ago. Going through this drama at Christmas, when everyone around you is high, makes your low even lower. I cut my losses and came out much better in the long run. She cheated before, she is cheating now and sooner or later she will do it again. This is a pattern for her and like my ex-wife, monogamy just isn't in her nature for an extended period of time. You need to set up an appointment with an attorney to protect your rights.


----------



## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Couple of questions, *regrowth*, and I'm not trying to be harsh.

What did a woman 8 years your elder see in you?

What did you see in a woman 8 years older than you?

Can you honestly answer these Q's?


----------



## bff (Jul 24, 2012)

regrowth said:


> I think about how it would be easier, but i am not seriously considering it, although i do keep thinking to myself that if the world ended today it wouldn't be so bad...


No no no no!!!!! Her actions don't define you! 

I, and a thousand or more others on here are living proof that you can come out on the other side of cheating and deception STRONGER and HAPPIER than you have ever been before. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but do not let her actions dictate how the rest of your life is going to go. Whether you make the choice to stay, reconcile and make it work or leave tomorrow, things can get not only better than they are now, but better than they've ever been. Being cheated on is not a scarlet letter.

Chin up. Be strong.

BFF


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

regrowth said:


> I dont cry infront of her, she thinks i have no feelings for her.
> 
> She is crying in front of me basically begging me to stay.
> 
> She admitted cheating, but she said it was just "oral" but i don't really believe that.


She already was planning the affair when you found the guy's number disguised under the girl's name. Your questioning didn't make her realize how much she loves you.

She was already having sex with the guy when she refused to show you the phone. They've been doing it like rabbits ever since.

She had no intention of ending it until you caught her, maybe even now she plans to continue it when this blows over.

Look at her actions, she is only sorry she got caught.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

regrowth said:


> I think about how it would be easier, but i am not seriously considering it, although i do keep thinking to myself that if the world ended today it wouldn't be so bad...


I went through the same thing all of thanksgiving and before christmas two years ago. Still alive. Never will I think that way again. The holidays can magnify feelings and losses. I thought about suicide and my husband added insult to injury many times during my lowest lows. I fought back though - especially verbally. Knowing is half the battle - He and she told me "Nothing happened". What greater insult is that? I told him everything in my brain and heart good, bad and ugly...I called her names, I let him have it big time, everyday for at least a year. Hecks, he told her I was a b!tch for 8 years and she lapped it up never thinking one day he would be telling me she is a whor3. SO , I showed him what a real b!tch was - lived up to my reputation he sold to her to get between her hooves. I did not take it lying down. He "wanted" to reconcile. I had to do my research about who she was, how long she was there etc., in addition to determining whether he was saving "their" reputations or he was sincere. Every part of the mystery I lived through for those 8 years with her secretly in it, finally made sense and was answered by me via the trickle truth he told. I also gave him every out, I even told her "Come get him, he's all yours." She hasn't come yet. Finally I put it out there on Cheaterville, including a bill to her because he never bought not even 1 pair of shoes for his daughter but a $38 - 13 minute phone call to her was more important. Sorry if I sound angry and a bit bitter. Please hold on to this bull and ride it, it will stop and you will be all the better for it...Trust me I know.


----------



## regrowth (Dec 21, 2012)

What i find the hardest to cope with is that I used to think of her as the kindest person I know.

I trusted her more than anyone else, once she broke that trust i felt broken. The foundations of my whole world felt crumbled.

All of the sudden someone who you think is really kind and caring and wouldn't hurt a fly was actually playing me all along or has some kind of extreme compulsive behavior and some lying problem.

How do you get these images out of your head, of your spouse with another person?

Or about how evil your spouse is when you trusted them more than anything?


----------



## bff (Jul 24, 2012)

No easy answer, regrowth. It will probably take a lot of time. I was actually very "lucky" in that my relationship had deteriorated almost completely to nothing before I found out my wife was cheating on me. So, it was almost a relief to me. I empathize with your situation - falling from a great height hurts a lot more. There are others on here who will be able to offer better advice. All I can tell you is that when you start to take care of yourself, things will progress quickly and you'll eventually shed your co-dependence on her. There is life on the other side.

You'll probably want to talk to a therapist. This helped me a lot - helped me to work through all the different feelings I was having. There's anger, resentment, disbelief, guilt, grief, clinging, loneliness (that's the real *****!) and other stuff, too.

Again - stay strong. Chin up!

BFF


----------



## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

regrowth said:


> What i find the hardest to cope with is that I used to think of her as the kindest person I know.
> 
> I trusted her more than anyone else, once she broke that trust i felt broken. The foundations of my whole world felt crumbled.
> 
> ...


All of this is normal, you will recover from this part too...I call it the Judas Kiss. Please read the newbie post...I found TAM recently and realized I went through the last two years with the cart before the horse. Take some consolation in knowing you found it at the right time. Read, read as much as you can...you are in the right place...


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So what you now know is that 6 months ago she cheated on you. Then 6 months later she is at the same guys house again.

So you know for a period of 6 months for sure she has been letting the other man have sex with her.

What's the detail with the OM? Is he married or with a girl friend?

Your wife is lying through her teeth btw. she's been giving it up to him for atleast 6 months, maybe more. Possibly in your very own bed.

My advce to you is:

1. post the OM on cheaterville.com - any guy that plays with a married for 6 months deserves to be on there.

2. expose your cheating wife to family.

3. expose the cheating to his friends and family, and even better his wife or gf is the scumbag has one.

4. dump you cheating wife into the street. Tell her famiy why you've dumped her. She's a cheat who cheated on you. She had it good for her and her son, but she wanted to have sex with a guy for 6 months instead of being faithful. So she made her bed and now she's going to have to sleep in it.

5. see a lawyer and sue you wife for every dime you can.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

regrowth said:


> What i find the hardest to cope with is that I used to think of her as the kindest person I know.
> 
> I trusted her more than anyone else, once she broke that trust i felt broken. The foundations of my whole world felt crumbled.
> 
> ...


you've learned a hard lesson here. she was always a cheater at heart. She cheated on her first and she cheated on you. She'll always be a user and a cheater.

Next time you'll be wiser. You won't be the trusting whiteknight you where this time. You'll be a smarter man, who won't accept a selfish lying cheat into your heart.


----------



## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Can you honestly answer my earlier questions, regrowth. Or are you ignoring them because the answers are too uncomfortable to deal with?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

regrowth - sorry you're going through this at this time of year.

As a BH, let me offer this advice - you are in for some tough, dark times. Know this and prepare for it. But also know that you WILL get through it, like most people here. It won't be easy, but you'll get through it. Rely upon Family and Friends and forums like this. If you're feeling really down - go out with some friends - don't mope around stressing about it.

For Christmas, if you're by yourself - try to do something - get out, maybe volunteer at a shelter - it will do you some good. Just don't sit around thinking about it by yourself - that's a recipe for depression.

As theroad says - you are young and the relationship has been fairly short - that doesn't make it easier to get past, but it does mean you have a long future - make the most of it.

As for the comment on your wife being "evil" - I know the feeling. I went through a period after D-Day where I hated my wife - absolutely hated. Couldn't be in the same room with her. That anger actually helped me. I now know that my wife wasn't being deliberately "evil". She is just selfish in the extreme. Absolutely no thought to the consequences of her poor decision making. Didn't think of me. Didn't think of our two daughters. Only thought of herself. So she didn't deliberately intend to hurt her family - she just didn't even think about it! So now I wonder why I would want to be with somebody who can be so selfish. 

Try to get to that stage, where you can really evaluate whether she is deserving of you.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> PLEASE, if you are having suicidal thoughts, get help. See someone. If it's immediate, call a hotline. She is NOT worth that.




I absolutely agree with this. Please take care of yourself. It does get better.

All the best
WD


----------



## regrowth (Dec 21, 2012)

old timer said:


> Can you honestly answer my earlier questions, regrowth. Or are you ignoring them because the answers are too uncomfortable to deal with?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





theroad said:


> Do you have mommy issues, she's 8 years to old for you.




Pretty harsh for someone trying to recover?

I thought she was something special, she was the most caring person i had ever met, before this happened. Someone worth the age difference. I guess i am just a bad judge of character but hopefully i will improve on that.

So far most of these posts have been very helpful and atleast given me good direction thanks again guys. What you are doing here really helps people.


----------



## regrowth (Dec 21, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> As for the comment on your wife being "evil" - I know the feeling. I went through a period after D-Day where I hated my wife - absolutely hated. Couldn't be in the same room with her. That anger actually helped me. I now know that my wife wasn't being deliberately "evil". She is just selfish in the extreme. Absolutely no thought to the consequences of her poor decision making. Didn't think of me. Didn't think of our two daughters. Only thought of herself. So she didn't deliberately intend to hurt her family - she just didn't even think about it! So now I wonder why I would want to be with somebody who can be so selfish.
> 
> Try to get to that stage, where you can really evaluate whether she is deserving of you.


Well said. this might be the hardest part thinking about how someone I have been with for 24/7 for the past 4 years could do something like this...


----------



## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

You are young enough that if you start over you will barely remember her in 20 years. Trust me I went through it when I was 28, remarried and been together since, 23 years later. Now I look back and wonder what I ever saw in my first. I had all the same thoughts as you, and I was even set up so I would catch them red handed, it was a bad scene, bottom line is you will definately survive and be happier in the long run without being cheated on. 
gl2u


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Cheaters can change, but not serial cheaters. This is her lifestyle. She is a serial cheater, seriouslly broken.

Do you know who the OM is? You need to find out now.


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

old timer said:


> Can you honestly answer my earlier questions, regrowth. Or are you ignoring them because the answers are too uncomfortable to deal with?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are way out of order oldtimer. Your very question implies a link between the relationship and the betrayal. My brother's wife is 15 years younger than he and the happiest marriage I ever saw was with a 23 year gap.

Don't bring your own dirty linen to someone else's problem.


----------



## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> You are way out of order oldtimer. Your very question implies a link between the relationship and the betrayal. My brother's wife is 15 years younger than he and the happiest marriage I ever saw was with a 23 year gap.
> 
> Don't bring your own dirty linen to someone else's problem.


My "dirty linen"? 
I have plenty, for sure.
And a butt-load of washing linen, as well.

I asked the questions w/ all due respect.
OP either overlooked the Q's or chose not to answer them.

So, I'll ask them again:

*"Couple of questions, regrowth, and I'm not trying to be harsh.

What did a woman 8 years your elder see in you?

What did you see in a woman 8 years older than you?

Can you honestly answer these Q's?" *

Two questions. 
Is this too hard an assignment for a serious student?


...


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> You are way out of order oldtimer. Your very question implies a link between the relationship and the betrayal. My brother's wife is 15 years younger than he and the happiest marriage I ever saw was with a 23 year gap.
> 
> Don't bring your own dirty linen to someone else's problem.


Age gaps don't make a lot of difference later, but early on, when one is mid to late twenties or less? Come on, you're barely getting a grasp on your adult identity (for 95% of North Americans at least). One or both partners are likely to have issues in those cases I'd guess, like the older one doesn't want to grow up, or wants a partner that can be dominated more easily. Could be the younger one doesn't want to grow up, is comfortable having someone else in charge, for examples. I think it is a very valid question.


----------



## Janz121 (Dec 11, 2012)

I have been through the same thing, I chose to separate because I thought even if we did get counselling and he did change I still wouldn't be able to trust him again and I didn't want to be in a marriage where I can't trust my husband.I'm only 21, we got married two years ago also and together 4years as well, we've been separated a month now and it's been the hardest month of my life but I think it will pay off when I'm with a decent guy who treats me well. Good luck with whatever you choose to do but my advice is to separate and find someone you deserve


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Do you realize that it wasn't just once. She was caught red-handed and she knows you won't believe her this time. So she gave you the minimum she could (oral).

Try this. Ask to see the phone records and get a list of text messages from the carrier(You cannot do that but her response to this will get you the necessary answer). Then tell her you are going to use software to recover all the text messages ever sent or received from her phone (Not true for every phone but you can try to bluff her if she isn't very aware of this stuff )

Your wife is a serial cheater. her H is not the first guy she cheated on either. She has a very unhealthy way of coping with stress in relationship. She even swore on her son that she did not cheat and made you feel paranoid for doubting her. Women like your wife are not fit for marriage or relationships.


----------



## regrowth (Dec 21, 2012)

Old_timer:

I thought i answered one of your questions but here it is,



regrowth said:


> I thought she was something special, she was the most caring person i had ever met, before this happened. Someone worth the age difference.


I guess to add to what I said I also thought she was a great mother to her child. Which is a good quality for me because i myself want kids eventually(not with her anymore obviously).

As for what she saw in me? Well seeing as how i feel like i don't even know who she actually was I can't really say.


----------



## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

She has it made .... a Dad for her son ... a provider ... and some action on the side. She was (has been) banging this guy since 6 months ago.
Get tested for STDs!! Who knows what bugs you might have now.

You're young ... move on ... without any guilt.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

It smells all too like that your W is a serial cheater, that it is ingrained in her DNA. From what I read, all that I can really see relationshipwise ahead for you is even more protracted hurt from her.

Get yourself into personal counseling immediately to see if there is any hope left. And provided there is not, then fastly make tracks to your attorney's office.


----------



## Numbersixxx (Oct 10, 2012)

regrowth said:


> Pretty harsh for someone trying to recover?
> 
> I thought she was something special, she was the most caring person i had ever met, before this happened. Someone worth the age difference. I guess i am just a bad judge of character but hopefully i will improve on that.
> 
> So far most of these posts have been very helpful and atleast given me good direction thanks again guys. What you are doing here really helps people.


The fact that she cheated before should have told you plenty about her character. People can fake. She was faking being your lovely and faithful wife, and now she is faking regret for what she's done to you. You don't have any indication she is truly remorseful and not just in damage control after being busted. 

You are young and without your own children. Do you really want to build your life on such rotten foundations?


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She cheated on her ex husband, she cheated on you now for six months. She swore on her child's life. How many times she lied to you without a wink during these six months?

See a pattern here she is a serial cheater, she don't mind swearing on her child's life. This is the real person she is. A person whom monogamy is not in their life.
You are too young. Dont spoil your precious life by being with her. Its too precious.
Do you believe that it was only one time oral? I know you dont.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

And although your wife appears to have the earmarks of a serial cheater, please keep in mind that far too often, the worst infidelity that there is, is the emotional variety much rather than physical variety.

After all, the buffet of infidelity has been largely opened up with the EA. The PA is nothing more than the the whipped cream and cherry(pun at your discretion) on top!


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> btw. I am not her first husband, she cheated on her first husband as well.


I think this tells us all we need to know about her. 

By the way, I am curious to know her answer to this question. Please ask it of her on my behalf:

How does she feel about cheating on her son? She has cheated the poor child out of two chances of a happy, loving couple to raise him.

And also, how could she disrespect her child by making an oath on the life of her child that she had every intention of breaking?


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I think this tells us all we need to know about her.
> 
> By the way, I am curious to know her answer to this question. Please ask it of her on my behalf:
> 
> ...


Obviously she cares nothing for her son. Regrowth thought she was a kind person...she's not. He thought she was a good mother....nope. She only cares about herself. She is manipulative and will say and do whatever she can to further her own selfish ends. Serial cheater...move on.


----------



## regrowth (Dec 21, 2012)

I packed all my stuff and moved back in with my father who lives down the road. As I was packing and leaving she was crying and throwing up at the same time... I feel bad but then I also can't stop thinking about her with another guy. 

I thought leaving would be easy if i ever found out for sure she cheated.. but it is still hard.

Next time I see her, I will ask what she saw in me.


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

ReGrowth...

I'm all about R... but in this case you have been given a rare gift... "a window, a glimpse to the future."

And it don't look good. Add up the facts...

She's a serial cheater,
She's caught and still continues to lie,
You are very young,
You have no children with her (please tell us you didn't adopt?),

Lawyer up, bail, move on.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Ask her also the truth, she's lying like a pro.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

regrowth... this is more than having sex with another guy..the more you look at the situation ad your wife, the more you will realize


----------



## regrowth (Dec 21, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Ask her also the truth, she's lying like a pro.


I brought up the fact that I know that she is lying. To be fair she is home most of the time. I also said to her that if she tells me the full truth then at least I can respect her when I leave. She has heard me ask for the truth 1000 times I can never get it out of her unless i catch her doing something.

But i think i am done asking her for the truth. By asking i feel like i am investing emotion into a relationship and i do not think i should do that anymore.


----------



## regrowth (Dec 21, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> regrowth... this is more than having sex with another guy..the more you look at the situation ad your wife, the more you will realize


What do you mean, are you referring to the fact that she is probably a serial cheater?


----------



## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

regrowth said:


> I packed all my stuff and moved back in with my father who lives down the road. *As I was packing and leaving she was crying and throwing up at the same time..*. I feel bad but then I also can't stop thinking about her with another guy.


She *has* been through this before. What did she expect the outcome to be?

I am sorry you are going thought this. Been there.... Please understand it will get better. You are in the acute stages of grief. 
Take care of yourself, get plenty of rest, and try to eat even when you feel like vomiting. Your health and wellbeing is most important. Confide in others and surround yourself with friends and family that love you. 
I know you feel like you are the only person to even feel this much pain, that no one has ever endured what you are going through. We have.

This woman has a life time of problems. She is a serial cheater! You will never be able to fix her. 

Youth is on your side. Life is choosing a different path for you to take. You may never have the answers you are seeking, but the lesson was still learned. 

Good luck


----------



## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Here's some really important information about what you were are and will be going through. It will help you to be kinder to yourself even though it's from the remorseful cheater's vantage. Originally posted from the member *chapparal*, in 2010:

Re: Wife of 12 yrs is a CHEATER. 2 kids. Need help. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Read "Married Man Sex Life" , you can get it online.

Read this (print it off) with your wife as long as you have to:

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


----------



## regrowth (Dec 21, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> How does she feel about cheating on her son? She has cheated the poor child out of two chances of a happy, loving couple to raise him.
> 
> And also, how could she disrespect her child by making an oath on the life of her child that she had every intention of breaking?


What she said was:

"I'm a piece of sh!t. I honestly saw how great you were with my son and knew you were awesome. I'm a selfish whor3. I'm so ***king stupid
And the worse part is that all I wanna do is hold you and make love to you and that will never happen again"

I am trying to do those 180 steps and stop all contact with her however this is turning out to be harder than i thought.

btw, thanks for the post risktaker, it was very informative. But i will be trying to recover on my own(hopefully).


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

regrowth said:


> What she said was:
> 
> "I'm a piece of sh!t. I honestly saw how great you were with my son and knew you were awesome. I'm a selfish whor3. I'm so ***king stupid
> And the worse part is that all I wanna do is hold you and make love to you and that will never happen again"
> ...


So... how about couples counseling?


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

People are all noting your youth. And this is correct - you are young and have your life ahead of you.

But having read through this thread, I think you are very mature. You sound like a grown man with integrity, so I wish you the best. I know it will be very difficult, but I don't doubt that you will find yourself in a better place.


----------



## regrowth (Dec 21, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> So... how about couples counseling?


I had thought about it. Her words may seem like an epiphany but i am skeptical because she has said things like this before.

Before she admitted to cheating, there was about 4-5 months where i was skeptical and during this time i caught her lying about where she was/had been. And every time she would convince me i am just being paranoid by assuming the worst and that she didn't tell me because she thought I could not handle the truth. But in the end she would say she was stupid for lying and that she shouldn't have done that, it was dumb to lie and next time she will tell me truth etc... this happened numerous times. but again she would lie about where she was and stuff like that.

I can never know if she truly changed or not. She sticks to her one time oral story... Maybe she is telling the truth or maybe she is lying still and that is a sign she has not changed. 

Either way with 5 months of being paranoid she knows i suffered and still didn't tell me her excuse for this was "I was keeping the secret to protect my family" and she also said she was being torn apart inside by holding this in.

But then I don't understand why she would go over to his house and lie to me about that two days ago if she was so torn apart? She said she was with her friend who got invited and he was having a party... Her friend dated the OM's friend so that is how they met in the first place....

With all the blaming she puts on my paranoia I think i actually developed a paranoid complex and I can barely tell what is real and isn't in this relationship. I feel as if I cant rely on my judgement with regards to these types of decisions anymore.


----------



## regrowth (Dec 21, 2012)

Decorum said:


> This will take you several years to recover from
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This will take me *several years* to recover from? Wow I can barely get through a whole day but years....

Did you move on from a relationship with infidelity and end up happier than you before?

And if so did you learn to trust again?


----------



## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

regrowth said:


> I had thought about it. Her words may seem like an epiphany but i am skeptical because she has said things like this before.
> 
> Before she admitted to cheating, there was about 4-5 months where i was skeptical and during this time i caught her lying about where she was/had been. And every time she would convince me i am just being paranoid by assuming the worst and that she didn't tell me because she thought I could not handle the truth. But in the end she would say she was stupid for lying and that she shouldn't have done that, it was dumb to lie and next time she will tell me truth etc... this happened numerous times. but again she would lie about where she was and stuff like that.
> 
> ...


Trust your judgement because you were right. This either has been going on longer or she has had others. There is nothing real in your relationship. You should start moving toward D. You can call off the D if you choose.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

regrowth,

In an attempt to help you comprehend the scope of the issues involved in your situation I'm concerned that I wounded you unintentionally.

I have only known a taste of what yofu are going through, but having re-read your posts I wish I would have shown more restraint.



regrowth said:


> This will take me *several years* to recover from? Wow I can barely get through a whole day but years....
> 
> Did you move on from a relationship with infidelity and end up happier than you before?
> 
> And if so did you learn to trust again?


But your response shows genuine maturity, which makes me think you will be a better man for this.

You are asking the right questions,
1. how long will it take to recover.?
2. Who has been here and moved on well?
3. What should be my focus now?



regrowth said:


> But i think i am done asking her for the truth. By asking i feel like i am investing emotion into a relationship and i do not think i should do that anymore.



Your focus must be on your healing? That is where the wound really is.

Think about these things a bit.

The marriage relationship is not based on unconditional love. Its based on attraction. We tend to put the women in our lives on a pedestal, Our Moms, grandmons, aunts, maybe sisters,ect we received unconditional love from them (sometimes not, but most commonly). 

As men we tend to give that same kind of love to our wives, and unknowingly expect it back.

That is not the way it works in most marriages, (unconditional love is a wonderful thing and if a person has it it is admirable).

This is actually the cause of problems for a wife in some marriages, and you can tell when its an issue when the wife says she feels like she is her husbands mother. Often a man and a womans' expectation of love in marriage does not line up. That is why so many wifes complain about feeling neglected. (though often woman dont realize what they really want). I dont believe this is an issue for your situation, just fyi.

I want to make a point here but first let me say that your wife came into your marriage as a broken person. You did nothing to cause her cheating. NOTHING at ALL!!! Women (and men) do not come with a big red CHEATER stamp on their forhead, and honestly with your age and life experience, any man could miss this in a woman, myself included. The number of men (and women) on this board is evidence of that.

My point is this, some of your pain will be a result of your wife falling off the pedestal, and your difficulty in accepting it, you will eventually accept it. You will grow as a man in regard to this as you work on yourself, and your next relationship will not be so unequal.

You will understand the dynamics better and you will insist the give and take be equitable.

Some of your pain will be the self doubt that results from your having chosen someone so broken, eventually you will see that its understandable, and really its her issue.

Some (maybe most) of your pain will come from the fact that you gave yourself fully to her, and she gave herself to another.

Here is what you MUST know, she did NOT give herself fully to you in marriage (she may have felt like she did), BUT SHE DID NOT, because she did not FULLY POSSESS HERSELF to give away.

This is what we mean when we say she is broken.

She has a fragmented personality, and she has compartmentalized, her marriage, her idenity, her child, her needs!!!!! She did not bring ALL those compartments into the marriage, I believe she could not!

Integrity means that the truth we hold is integrated throughout our life and person.

In her case after her first moral failure with infidelity, if she would have gotten help, faced her issues and worked hard at improving herself, then, maybe she could have had integrity, and have become a trustworthy spouse.

I'm sorry, she was going to cheat from the day you married her (not that she necessarily planned to), and it hurts to think of another man having her, but you never really possessed her. She is broken.

She sold you a bill of goods and failed to ever own the product!

I mean these words to bring you some relief and freedom as you consider them.

My prayers are with you!

Take care!


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

A kid. A single mom with a kid does this to you.

Well, you were correct. She IS warm and generous and giving...it just doesn't stop at you.

I don't know about the economic dynamics, but she's on the North side of the big *3 0* and she knows that OM is a flighty diversion who is no good for her kid. Of course she's in panic mode. Cause it sounds like you were, if not a good dad (not to slight you, but you're real young to be to experienced) at least an adequate dad who could grow well into the role.

And now she needs to dust off her mini skirt and see if she can find another one...and that mini skirt's getting a bit tight.

Do yourself a favor. Focus on your studies. You don't need the drama. You don't need the fights. Put all of this behind you and go a semester getting the best grades you can.

You are allowed 15 words in every conversational interaction with her. Use them wisely. Be civil. Do things on campus where there are plenty of single girls SOUTH of the Big *3 0* who might be interested in starting family 1.0 with you. Don't date. Don't flirt. Look. Judge.

Judgement gets a bad rap. But it's 'using history to make determinations about future actions'.

Let her fix herself on her own with no help from you. But destroying your home life before summer seems silly. Just be a lot less available as a baby sitter and don't bond with the kid anymore.

Cautionary tale: I had a good friend. He started dating and living with this single mom of two. Met the kids. The kids ROCKED. I loved the kids. My friend loved the kids. The mom REFUSED to come downstairs and say hello to me. Absolutely refused. And my friend wasn't that hung up on her.

I told him to run. He kept citing the kids. I said 'You aren't marrying the kids and they aren't your kids."

6 months later, she's giving a blowjob to an ex-con in a car in the parking lot in front of her apartment while he is watching the kids.

He didn't listen.

Will you?


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Ugh! Her already having a kid divorced once already should be bending over backwards to make this work.:banghead: Finish the school year then like JCD said find someone on campus who is single with no kids if you can.


----------



## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

regrowth said:


> btw, thanks for the post risktaker, it was very informative. But i will be trying to recover on my own(hopefully).


Glad you read it...Just wanted you to see the emotional dynamics of what you will encounter ahead of time. And even what a R will look like just in case.


----------



## regrowth (Dec 21, 2012)

Decorum and JCD:

Both your posts are eye opening... After i read them I almost threw up. I realized I didn't really know her. She was a serial cheater..

I can feel better if i can come to the true realizations that her cheating had nothing to do with me perhaps it was inevitable for anyone she is with. With that in mind I have to realize maybe its because of her environmental factors growing up that she is this way so maybe it isn't 100% her fault.

Most of the posts on this website are correct in saying i should run, however i think most are wrong when they say her crying for me is fake (then again maybe they aren't). 

I think the end result is if i realize it isn't her fault then maybe i can forgive her. but don't get the wrong idea I want to forgive not to get back with her but because MAYBE just maybe if i forgive I could forget her.....


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Her tears are real, her sorrow is real, but it is for herself, not for you. She is upset at losing you, she wants you, but she is not crying because you are hurt.

All that time she was cheating and you were asking her about it and she was lying, she knew you were hurt, but she didn't cry.

Now that she is caught, you are still hurt, but now she is hurt, too, because she is losing you. She is crying for herself.

Five months of hurting you by lying to you and cheating on you - no tears. One minute of hurting herself by getting caught - crying a river and vomiting. You decide who she is sorry for.

You mentioned in a previous post that you think you are paranoid. I don't see anything in your behavior to indicate that. As a matter of fact, all of us out here in cyberspace think you are not paranoid enough, given what you've described.

Also, I don't think it's been mentioned because you are leaving her, but if you did stay, her toxic friends who encouraged the affair also would have to go.

Not only is she a cheater, she hangs out with a (single?) friend who encourages her to cheat. Probably was nice and convenient, made for a good foursome, your wife's friend and your wife, other man and and other man's friend. Two friends "dating" two friends.


----------



## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

You're not rash for leaving. 

You're wise.


----------



## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

regrowth said:


> This will take me *several years* to recover from? Wow I can barely get through a whole day but years....
> 
> Did you move on from a relationship with infidelity and end up happier than you before?
> 
> And if so did you learn to trust again?


Well, it depends. For some people it takes years. For me, I was dating less than a year after it happened. I think what he meant was, it will take years to recover _fully_. And I agree, invariably this is the case. 

Now that you are in a new atmosphere, without your old home full of triggers in your face, your healing is going to increase at an exponential rate. I'd say with confidence that in less than a year you will be out of hell and well into a happy new life. That's not to say you won't still care for her-- you always will. But there's going to be a point where you realize you're about 95-97% healed, and you'll spend a long time getting that last 3% squared away. 

In the meantime, remember that this is going to make you a better person- as long as you make sure it does. You have to guide this experience; channel this dark reality properly, because if you let it, it will cripple and embitter you. If you grapple with it and dominate it, your life will be better. Colors will be bolder, food will be sweeter. I promise you.

In the middle of 2011, I was in hell. 

Today I get on a plane with my new girlfriend to take her home to meet my family. 

I divorced my ex and it was, without hyperbole, the best decision I ever made.


----------



## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

*RightfulRiskTaker:*

Thank you for that book excerpt you posted.
I *really* needed that today.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You're still finding it hard to separate the truth from the untruth because your W went out of her way to make you feel paranoid. Just remember the old saying, "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you."

Gaslighting is very effective at throwing people off the scent. It puts the focus on the BS instead of where it belongs, on the WS. It is just another selfish reflex. Why would a loving spouse want you to doubt yourself this way? Of course, a loving spouse wouldn't.

So, try to shake off the effects of the gaslighting & keep trusting your instincts.


----------



## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

regrowth said:


> I had thought about it. Her words may seem like an epiphany but i am skeptical because she has said things like this before.
> 
> *Before she admitted to cheating, there was about 4-5 months where i was skeptical and during this time i caught her lying about where she was/had been.* And every time she would convince me i am just being paranoid by assuming the worst and that she didn't tell me because she thought I could not handle the truth. But in the end she would say she was stupid for lying and that she shouldn't have done that, it was dumb to lie and next time she will tell me truth etc... *this happened numerous times. but again she would lie about where she was and stuff like that.*
> 
> ...


Dear regrowth,

You're getting very good advice from other posters so I have little to add other than to offer a response to your question (underlined above).

It is very common for a BH to want to understand how and why his WW could have done what she did. The truth is that you will probably never know with any certainty. People cheat for different reasons. For some, it's just about the sex. For others, it's to satisfy emotional needs. For still others, it's related to mental illness. People with certain personality disorders, like Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissism are prone to cheat.

Based on what you have said about your WW, I suspect she has a serious personality disorder. If so, this is really bad news for your marriage because it means she may have limited ability to remain faithful and be truthful in the future, even if she wants to. In this case, since you don't have children with her and are young, you have even more reason to end the marriage and move on. Given that you still have feelings for her, you might also want to urge her to have a mental health exam and get into therapy if the results warrant it.

You say in one of your more recent posts _"I think the end result is if i realize it isn't her fault then maybe i can forgive her. but don't get the wrong idea I want to forgive not to get back with her but because MAYBE just maybe if i forgive I could forget her...."_

I understand this means that you want to forgive her for you own mental health but not so as to give her another chance. I hope I'm reading you right because, if she does have a personality disorder, giving her another chance and staying in your marriage will most likely mean more suffering and heartache for you.

Hoping things work out for you.


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I'm a bit jealous of you Regrowth. 

You're young. 

You don't have kids with this woman.

I have two wonderful kids with a serial cheater and I will have to interact with my lying, cheating STBXW for at least the next 15 years. 

By TAM standards, you are one lucky BH!


----------



## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

old timer said:


> *RightfulRiskTaker:*
> 
> Thank you for that book excerpt you posted.
> I *really* needed that today.


No problem. Biggest Thanks to Chapparal: I never knew what I was going through for the last two years were these things to a tee. My husband is reading it too and told me last night..."I am married to a normal woman" (...). As we all continue to heal, we need all the help we can get for as long we need.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Just to be clear, there are ALWAYS reasons for cheating, these reasons are not excuses!
She could have gotten help, she took the easy path and cheated. 

There is a mystery in free will, why do some take a destructive path against their best self interest, and some choose a path that is healthy and beneficial.

You have it right, forgiveness benefits you by releasing bitterness, it does not change her, nor does it obligate you to resolve her issues. She broke a covenant with you, you owe her nothing.

If the consequences to this convince her to be remorseful and work on her issues, she will benefit, if she does not, but continues to cause the kind of damage she has, how can any of us think well of her.

What you are going through is typical, would you EVER rain this down on another human being?

To over simplify, man is part animal, part angel, the most destructive decisions are always the easiest to make, its easier to drink, smoke, and eat Twinkies, but the benefits of healthy choices far out way the bad, and yet acting like an animal people cheat.

Btw what Will Kane said is exactly right.
We have seen true remorse, and she is not showing it.
(We can go into that more l

I do think understanding her moral weaknesses, that she is prone to cheat is a basis to forgive, move on, and forget her, that is the take away I intended.

Had you know this before the fact would you have married her? No!
Now that you know it use the same discretion!

Take care!

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

regrowth said:


> This will take me *several years* to recover from? Wow I can barely get through a whole day but years....
> 
> Did you move on from a relationship with infidelity and end up happier than you before?
> 
> And if so did you learn to trust again?


When my then girlfriend left me for a woman (I was 22, she was 28) I was heartbroken. I didn't even think of dating for four years or so.


----------



## regrowth (Dec 21, 2012)

Well I got her to give me an updated story,

What she says was she had feelings for him so she did sleep with him a couple times months back when it all started. Then after he quit where she worked, she stopped all contact with him. Then recently she went over to his house to find out if she still had feelings for him. She said she didn't. 

Someone please give me some ideas on what to do to stop thinking about this. I need to get over this. Im just sitting here doing nothing.... Its like i don't want to go anywhere or do anything but i need to. What did you guys do when you found these things out to keep your mind off of things?


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Workout.


----------



## regrowth (Dec 21, 2012)

keko said:


> Workout.


Been doing it, it only takes up like 2 hours of the day though


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

regrowth said:


> Well I got her to give me an updated story,
> 
> What she says was she had feelings for him so she did sleep with him a couple times months back when it all started. Then after he quit where she worked, she stopped all contact with him. Then recently she went over to his house to find out if she still had feelings for him. She said she didn't.
> 
> Someone please give me some ideas on what to do to stop thinking about this. I need to get over this. Im just sitting here doing nothing.... Its like i don't want to go anywhere or do anything but i need to. What did you guys do when you found these things out to keep your mind off of things?


Okay...look at the effort made. SHE went out, found his address, DROVE to his place...just to see if he still gave her damp panties.

Now, maybe I'm just a lazy bastard, but that is quite a bit of effort on a 'maybe'. Even if she hasn't been having sex with him the last 4 months (have you verified any of this independently? All you have is the word of a liar), she had the *fantasy* of this guy who rung her chimes before.

So I'm guessing the panties were premoistened before she showed up.

Which is more likely, she went there to 'verify' her feelings or she went there to renew their affair...and he tossed her on her ear.

One story makes her look good. The other doesn't. Call her work. See how long he worked there. See if he has a GF on facebook. Call her. Talk to her girlfriends. Check her phone logs. See if she has some number she is texting or calling.

VERIFY. What she tells you isn't an update any more than Goebbel's latest newscast was 'news'. 

When I couldn't stand my wife, I'd go for a run. I am not a runner. I hate running...excuse me, my body is made to run, but my mind is made for sitting. But when I ran, a lot of the stress of the day left me. I got up to 4 miles at a quick pace. (thanks honey!)

Too bad we reconciled. I was looking forward to dropping another 10 pounds...


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

regrowth said:


> Been doing it, it only takes up like 2 hours of the day though


Hobbies?



regrowth said:


> What she says was she had feelings for him so she did sleep with him a couple times months back when it all started. Then after he quit where she worked, she stopped all contact with him. Then recently she went over to his house to find out if she still had feelings for him. She said she didn't.


:slap:

Please tell you didn't believe this.


----------



## regrowth (Dec 21, 2012)

keko said:


> Hobbies?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I do kind of but mostly because I know after all this happened I was so paranoid I locked her down. Watched her every move, tracked when she got home from work. I don't know when she would have found the time to see him. After it all happened months ago, she stopped going out and took up new hobbies like knitting and stayed home and knitted. She went out without me only 1-2 times a month. 

The only thing I am not sure if I believe is the they only had sex a couple times part, could have been more. But to be fair I wasn't always emotionally available to her because I kind of had a video game addiction(sorry for leaving this part out). I think after i caught her and she found out how paranoid I was she genuinely felt bad.

This does not mean I am getting back together with her but I am trying to be more critical of myself and less critical of others maybe then I can forgive and forget her. 

For some reason I find solace in the fact that maybe it is partially my fault and she isn't as evil as I thought. Regardless I am just trying to move on. I am leaving her and maybe forgiving her and not having this evil view of her and being civil might be the best way for me to move on... i am not sure.


----------



## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

regrowth said:


> Decorum and JCD:
> 
> Both your posts are eye opening... After i read them I almost threw up. I realized I didn't really know her. She was a serial cheater..


*IS* a serial cheater. Don't assume she is going to stop. She simply doesn't take marriage as seriously as most people.



> I can feel better if i can come to the true realizations that her cheating had nothing to do with me perhaps it was inevitable for anyone she is with.


This is true, she was destined to cheat no matter who she was with. You could have been the perfect husband and this still would have happened. You can't make someone cheat, they have to make that choice on their own.




> With that in mind I have to realize maybe its because of her environmental factors growing up that she is this way so maybe it isn't 100% her fault.


She may have been desensitized but there are other people that grew up like her that don’t cheat. 




> Most of the posts on this website are correct in saying i should run, however i think most are wrong when they say her crying for me is fake (then again maybe they aren't).


She is crying for real but not for the reasons you think.



> I think the end result is if i realize it isn't her fault then maybe i can forgive her. but don't get the wrong idea I want to forgive not to get back with her but because MAYBE just maybe if i forgive I could forget her.....


You won't forget, but you will stop caring so much. I don't think it will take as long as you think it will to recover. Once you get your head straight and go back on the market you'll wonder why it even bother you so much.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Your wife didn't take long to develop feelings for a coworker. You know why?

Because he paid her a little bit of attention. It's that simple.

She had experience with the consequences for cheating from her first marriage. Did that stop her? Not for a second.

She KNEW you were suspicious. Did she come to her senses? No, she went to see him again and lied to you. She swore on her son's life! 

That tells you what she thinks of oaths and telling the truth. 

Now you just want to keep your mind off things. You should be evaluating what she told you and what you know. Try packing your bags. That will help to keep your mind off the state of your disfunctional wife.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

regrowth said:


> I do kind of but mostly because I know after all this happened I was so paranoid I locked her down. Watched her every move, tracked when she got home from work. *I don't know when she would have found the time to see him*. After it all happened months ago, she stopped going out and took up new hobbies like knitting and stayed home and knitted. *She went out without me only 1-2 times a month. *




First sentence: I read a book on infidelity of women. Many of these women got their bellies rubbed not by making the beast with two backs, but by a constant string of texts, calls and work related meanings. The women had sex as a price for the EMOTIONAL connection.

So second sentence: She only NEEDS once or twice a month to 'pay for her belly rubs' and she has you for any additional sexual needs she has.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Your wife didn't take long to develop feelings for a coworker. You know why?
> 
> Because he paid her a little bit of attention. It's that simple.


To be fair, if he has a video game addiction, he *wasn't* paying her enough attention.

Now...she could have had a firm talking to you. She could have taken an axe to the X-Box...or it's lesser cousin, Playstation.

She could have divorced your (potentially) sorry ass. (Says the guy with a forum addiction)

But she didn't.

Those would have been more honorable solutions.

So...learn from that mistake. Don't hover...but conquering the Galactic quadrant or defeating the minions of Lord Slime, while more directly and immedaitely gratifying, isn't the recipe for long term relationship success.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I just don't get it. Poor step child.


----------



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

regrowth said:


> Someone please give me some ideas on what to do to stop thinking about this. I need to get over this. Im just sitting here doing nothing.... Its like i don't want to go anywhere or do anything but i need to. What did you guys do when you found these things out to keep your mind off of things?




You have to workout and get out. Vary your workouts to keep it interesting. Join a gym if you can. As you're working out keep thinking that you are getting into the best shape of your life for you. I've always had a workout room in my basement - putting my wife's treadmill up for sale and putting a heavy bag in its space. Looking forward to pounding the crap out of it - maybe I should put a photo of the POSOM's face on it (just kidding... want to move on and eventually forgetting that POS is part of the process)!! Will also be joining a gym in the New Year - just to get another place to workout with other people.

Get out with family and friends. Even if it's just for a coffee. That is key. I had lost touch with a lot of friends during the last few years of my marriage. It was great to get back in touch.

As other's have mentioned - get and read Married Man's Sex Primer. I'm in the middle of it and wish that I had read it right after I had discovered the evidence of an affair. Besides being right on, in terms of the Male Action Plan (MAP) it's also just a good humorous read. And it speaks the truth. It's not easy to admit, but I was responsible for letting my Alpha side go dormant - I recognize that. And I kind of see that my wife is attracted to men who are like I USED to be. That actually makes me feel better. No excuse for my wife to cheat, but I can see why we got into trouble. And I'm fixing the problem - not to get back with my wife, but to get back with myself.

Getting in shape, getting your social life back on track.... All will help YOU whether you get back with your wife or back into a new relationship. Work towards a goal - make a New Year's resolution to drop some fat, gain some muscle and get out on a date.


----------



## regrowth (Dec 21, 2012)

Some good advice on what to do next cedarman. That book doesn't bring back bad memories when they talk about sex?

To be fair one reason i think the affair was over when she said it was is because three weeks ago we went on a vacation for 8 days which she planned and paid from her savings. She hates heights but i told her i wanted to go ski'ing so she planned some ski'ing time for us.

She isn't as evil as I thought maybe and that makes me feel better. I am still not getting back together with her. But i am trying to put the puzzle together properly so i can get over it.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

We use words like 'forgive' and 'forget' to mean big, monolithic things, but they really aren't. We can forgive some parts of things and forget bits of others. Your W isn't completely evil, but she has been evil in her cheating and lying. So you will forgive and forget parts of her & not others.

You don't have to forgive or forget at all, especially not right now. In fact, I would say that trying to do that immediately or completely will not help you move forward, since you have to have the knowledge of this betrayal to inform your future.

So, try not to take such giant steps right now. Your life is what it is. Your W has done what she has done & in doing it, she has broken your heart. Now take things minute by minute, hour by hour. Plan what you will do for the next two hours & then go do it. Work out. Turn on some music and bake a cake. Take a long walk. Whatever, just small steps.

It gets better, but takes time. It really is a grieving process.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Here is the puzzle.

She needs a lot of attention. You didn't provide the quantity and quality she desired.

Instead of seeking more attention or communicating her needs properly, she found someone else do to your job.

Lest it seem like I'm minimizing things, it is her fault for doing that.

I'm sure that even if she only did it the one...two...no more than three times, she was in communication with him for a while. Check her phone records.

So she isn't evil. Needy. Poor boundaries. Easily swayed by a slick tongue. Forgetful of her responsibilities, yes.

Evil...how many people has she maimed?


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

regrowth said:


> Well I got her to give me an updated story,
> 
> What she says was she had feelings for him so she did sleep with him a couple times months back when it all started. Then after he quit where she worked, she stopped all contact with him. Then recently she went over to his house to find out if she still had feelings for him. She said she didn't.
> 
> Someone please give me some ideas on what to do to stop thinking about this. I need to get over this. Im just sitting here doing nothing.... Its like i don't want to go anywhere or do anything but i need to. What did you guys do when you found these things out to keep your mind off of things?


So she clearly has now lied to you at least twice. When she first confessed the affair she should have given you full disclosure. I wonder if she ever will. 

When she chose to betray you, she made a few statements- she had no respect for the marriage, no respect for you and certainly no love for you. 

My personal opinion is to separate from her. Concentrate on finishing school, a job and a new life. There's a big world out there and it's full of really wonderful women who won't betray you. 

I know it's hard to end a marriage. I had to when I had a cheating spouse. But life does get better.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

As you move on with your life without her you will reach a point where you will forgive her for what she has done to you. That will happen when you can completely detach from her and feel nothing for her except maybe pity. Indifference will lead to forgiveness. 

You can analyze all you like, but only time will help you come to accept what has happened and look at it as a sad time in your life that you learned from and moved on.


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Regrowth - after finding out about my wife's betrayal the only thing I could do is play my guitar.

7 months later I still can't read a book - despite me reading on average a couple a month beforehand. I can watch a film as long as it is very, very good and doesn't have any triggers. That took about a month. I can go walking now - took maybe 2 months.

Jogging I can do, but I found the extra exercise must have increased my testosterone too much as it would *increase* my anger levels too much.

Everyone is different, I found that half the battle was accepting that I simply could not function in the same way that I used to and I have had to allow these things to come back.

Get a good counsellor if you can. It helps enormously.

Keep posting here. It took me 6 weeks to find this place, but I believe this was the beginning of my own recovery.

Good luck. Stay frosty.


----------



## regrowth (Dec 21, 2012)

Well I hung out with some old friends, and I reflected on myself.

My friends protested before I got married because of what she had done and now I can see that they were right. I am living at my fathers and came to some good conclusions i think.

1.) I feel like I can do better than her. I can find someone who loves me and will stay faithful. In our relationship I would sometimes make excuses for why she did the things that she did or said the things that she said. And maybe if I am making excuses for her then it isn't real love. I can find someone I don't need to make excuses for and I refuse to come up with or listen to her excuses as to why she cheated. It is scary to think I will have to date again but what is life without fear. 

2.) After she made me feel paranoid for 8 months, I am looking forward to driving to work and not having that feeling anymore. Yes i know i will have different feelings now but I feel as if I have more control over these new feelings that I did my paranoia.

Thank you for all the help so far. What you guys are doing is a good thing I do not know where I would be right now if I wasn't able to post on this forum.

I am still having some problems however, once I wake up in the middle of the night I can't fall asleep I assume this just takes time.

Another thing is I seem to build up images in my head or come up with new attacks to say to my WW so I keep messaging her these things. I almost can't leave it alone. For instance I will come up with someone that is relevant to the story she told me and be like "only a piece of sh!t would do something like this". It's like I cant stop myself from sending these messages every once in a while..

I had to stop typing this half way through because she barged into my fathers house(where i am staying) starting cry to my father and to me.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

regrowth said:


> ...but what is life without fear.


There's always a little bit of fear in our lives & when it's just a little bit, it's always livable. The worst times are when the fear overtakes us, in those critical times. They get better. We get through them.

As for texting your WW - since you're moving on, you can say what you want, right? You've earned the privilege.

Wishing you strength for the future. I have a very good feeling about how things will turn out for you for the long term.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Think of her as a wounded animal. You wouldn't poke a wounded animal because they are dangerous...but you wouldn't stick around one either for the same reason.

Let her go. Stop being a jerk (yes, even though YOU are the victim, it does not innoculate you from jerkdom)

It's your anger texting. Tell your anger to take a chill pill. No need to rile things...they'll be riled enough.

Make firm choices, think things through, particularly about finances and living arrangements. Get the best advice you can.

Mind over matter.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

As long as you keep texting her she will know she is still in your heart - no matter what you text - she's in your mind. So, she is encouraged to keep the communications going. 

Detach completely. Block her number. Don't check your phone so often. Go out with friends. Plan things a day at a time or even an hour at a time. "Fix the car" ; "Clean out dad's garage"; "learn spanish, sign language, french, etc"; "volunteer an hour at the homeless shelter"; "volunteer a half day at big-brothers" 

- stay focused on YOU.


----------



## ready2run (Dec 8, 2012)

I left last night. Christmas eve. Now I can spend the holidays with people who really love me and do not lie to me and hurt me. No idea who is cooking the turkey today at "home"....for that matter I dont know who will be going to bed with the "turkey" tonight either...and I am gonna ty to not think of it and get on with life.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Regrowth,
I meant to reply to a question you asked earlier.

You should get the book married man sex life (MMSL)
It is a misleading title it not a sex manual, its about staying attractive to your partner and keeping her interest.

This does not apply to your current situation. Because cheaters cheat.

But as men get married, have kids, they change the things that attracted the wife. This book will help you stay sharp. 
This book will also help you make a better choice for future relationships.

I have never heard of someone triggering from it.



Ready2run, 
I'm sorry to hear that.
You might post your own thread and tell your story, you will get more speciffic posts that way. Most posters dont want to mix threads, it gets confusing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Until you cease communications with her and completely detach her from your life, you'll be pulled back by her in one way or another.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Here are some links that I have used for the stages of grief.

One expands it to seven but is essentially the same.

The first is by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s who worked on it originally.

The Five Stages of Grief - Elisabeth Kübler-Ross & David Kessler | Grief.com ~ Because Love Never Dies

The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief | Psych Central

7 STAGES OF GRIEF

RG,

These varies for each individual. It is not clear steps from one to the other. You may revisit them as well. Be patient with yourself.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Btw, it would be best to not document (by text, email, etc) anything like a threat, or admission, it would seem you are heading to divorce, you may not have the issued of custody, but you still need to think ahead a bit.

Some spouses even wear a voice activated recorder (var) to capture conversations.

May not apply to your situation completely but just fyi.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Sorry to see you here with this issue, regrowth. 

One big question: Before you married this woman, were you her affair partner when she cheated on her first husband? I don't want to accuse you falsely or be hurtful when you're suffering, but I think it would be an important part of the discussion if you left this detail out. I'm wondering how you knew she cheated on her first husband, because that is not info that would normally come from the cheater. Either 1) you were her affair partner or 2) you live in a small town and people talk or 3) she's a neighbor and you witnessed the cheating going on.

I guess it's up to you regarding how much truth you want to dig for. It's probably safe to assume that every time she lied about her whereabouts to you were times she was having sex with the OM. If she did this 6 times, she probably had sex at least 6 times with him. On top of that, the 6 months there was definitely an emotional affair going on if she got to the point that she had feelings for him, and an emotional affair is also cheating. As others have stated, if they're not your kids then get away from this woman. I hope you didn't adopt them.


----------



## regrowth (Dec 21, 2012)

She had gotten a divorce because he cheated on her, and their love wasn't there anymore was what she told me. She said she loved him so little that when she found out he cheated she did not even care. I confirmed it with her and his family(I knew one of the guys sisters). She told me during those 4-5 months of me being paranoid, I asked her to be honest and tell me if she ever cheated on her ex-husband and she said that she did once and realized it was a mistake 3 minutes into it and stopped. Not sure if this is true given she didn't realize it was a mistake for me so it might have been more intense than that. 

EDIT: and no the one kid is not adopted. It was from her last marriage.

Anyway I recently made a mistake and slept with her last night when i realized when we finished that I don't feel the same about her anymore. Obviously it was immature and stupid to sleep with her, total mistake on my part, there is just a lot of emotions going on. Ever since i slept with her she said that now she loves me "10x more and realizes what she was missing." 

I think I slept with her perhaps because I was feeling inadequate since I heard about all this and needed to reaffirm my alpha male status to myself or something similar to that.

But After that happened, I have been able to fully ignore her. No contact what so ever. She keeps trying to message me, I have ~25 texts from her. But i havent responded to a single one and it feels good.

To sum up the substance of her texts:

"I'm so lost without you, please i need you,.. lets try to start fresh please...", "I know you wanted to buy this, i will use my xmas bonus please..." "Dont give up, i need you more than life" "Ill do anything I'll quit my job and stay at your dads and he can watch me when you are gone so you know im not anywhere", "Im seeing a counselor tommorow..."

Of course i am paraphrasing.

I know i am still going through a lot of stages of grief, but one emotion i had was inadequacy and inferiority and now seeing her like this I don't feel those two emotions as much anymore. Granted I am still feeling a lot of other stuff but I can check those two off of my list.

Try not to flame me to hard for sleeping with her i am well aware it was a mistake I was just overtaken with emotion and had to find some things out i guess.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its called hysterical bonding and it happens!


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

It's hb no problem. Look how needy she is now that you are ignoring her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## regrowth (Dec 21, 2012)

I know some of you sought professional help to assist in working through these problems, did you look for divorce psychiatrists specifically or just general ones. And where did you go to find them?


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

regrowth said:


> I know some of you sought professional help to assist in working through these problems, did you look for divorce psychiatrists specifically or just general ones. And where did you go to find them?


Hi, not sure how it works in the US but here in the UK it's counsellors. They are different from psychiatrists and psychologists. Be careful picking one either way.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Rg,
Do you have insurance that covers individual counseling?

If so often they may have a list of covered counselors.

Sometimes you may not click or benefit from one and if so move on to another.

Call and tell them what you are going through and ask if they are experienced in this.

Also if you explain any pronlems you are having to your MD he may prescribe some meds for you as well.

The feelings of inadequacy are normal after infidelity, every man experiences it, its how we are wired in the primitive part of the brain.

It's NOT YOU, she wanders.


We normally advise the BS (betrayed spouse) to expose the affair to the othermans wife/girfriend, and your ww (wayward wife) family, have you considered that?

There are several reasons why, but the posom wife would deserve to know.

This may piss your stbxw off, but oh well. (Stbxw is soon to be x wife)

Somthing to think about.

Take care!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

regrowth said:


> I know some of you sought professional help to assist in working through these problems, did you look for divorce psychiatrists specifically or just general ones. And where did you go to find them?


Going through infidelity is going through a major tauma. You need a counselor that has experience with PTSD. And if you do not click with a counselor move on to another on. Like any thing else there are good ones and not so good ones.


----------



## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Decorum said:


> I am not making light of your situation, but everyone here LOL when she said it was just oral.


Please don't speak for others, and definitely not for "everyone".

Better to phrase yoru posts "I lol'd when I read about it being just oral" because frankly you don't know what others may think and I definitely did not "lol" although I may have raised an eyebrow a bit.

She could be truthful about it being nothing more than oral, then again if I was the betrayed partner it would be just as bad to picture her with some guy's d-ick in her mouth as compared to her vj, in fact I happen to think it's even worse.

But it doesn't matter what you think or what I think or what "everyone" may think, it's about how this particular individual reacts to the facts and what they may choose to believe.


----------



## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

regrowth said:


> She had gotten a divorce because he cheated on her





regrowth said:


> I asked her to be honest and tell me if she ever cheated on her ex-husband and she said that she did once


Wait, what? She divorced him for cheating on her, yet she admits that she cheated on him. 

Doesn't that sound wrong to you?



regrowth said:


> and realized it was a mistake 3 minutes into it and stopped.


I have a hard time believing that he penetrated her for 3 minutes and then she pushed him out and off of her. 



regrowth said:


> EDIT: and no the one kid is not adopted. It was from her last marriage.


Yes it's clear the child was hers from the prior marriage. Sometimes the new guy adopts the prior child and assumes financial responsibility which is a fools game for sure.



regrowth said:


> Anyway I recently made a mistake and slept with her last night


Ouch. So much for disconnecting.


regrowth said:


> I have been able to fully ignore her. No contact what so ever.


Well that's good.




regrowth said:


> "Ill do anything I'll quit my job and stay at your dads and he can watch me when you are gone so you know im not anywhere", "Im seeing a counselor tommorow..."


She sounds remorseful.

You thinking about giving her another chance?


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Maybe you could take her up on what she is offering she did volunteer this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

regrowth said:


> I know some of you sought professional help to assist in working through these problems, did you look for divorce psychiatrists specifically or just general ones. And where did you go to find them?


A good one will help you a ton. But a bad one will make it that much worse. So take your time in finding the most suitable one for your situation.


----------



## regrowth (Dec 21, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> Ouch. So much for disconnecting.


Impossible to disconnect when she keeps showing up at my fathers house where i am staying barging into my room to pour her heart out...

And if she doesn't come up here she talks to my dad for 2 hours...


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Sharkeey,

I have edited the offending post. I will be more careful in the future. Thank you.

FYI,
From the quote below it turns out she did have sex with OM.



regrowth said:


> Well I got her to give me an updated story,
> 
> What she says was she had feelings for him so she did sleep with him a couple times months back when it all started. Then after he quit where she worked, she stopped all contact with him. Then recently she went over to his house to find out if she still had feelings for him. She said she didn't.


----------



## sara18 (Dec 26, 2012)

It sounds like you have a lot going on. Every situation is different. In my case my husband cheated on me. I took some time to evaluate our relationship and decided I wasn't ready to move on. It is the worst feeling in the world knowing you weren't good enough. That is not the case. You will figure it out. We are still married and have worked it out. In fact we just had a beautiful baby girl not too long ago. You have many emotions going on right now. It is hard for anyone to admit to their deception. She clearly didn't want to hurt you with details. If you feel she is sorry or worth a try I'd consider it. I have been to many support groups all with similar situations who have worked it out. Feel free to private message me, I'm sure many people on here are against my beliefs because they all seem to be telling you to let go.


----------



## regrowth (Dec 21, 2012)

sara18 said:


> It sounds like you have a lot going on. Every situation is different. In my case my husband cheated on me. I took some time to evaluate our relationship and decided I wasn't ready to move on. It is the worst feeling in the world knowing you weren't good enough. That is not the case. You will figure it out. We are still married and have worked it out. In fact we just had a beautiful baby girl not too long ago. You have many emotions going on right now. It is hard for anyone to admit to their deception. She clearly didn't want to hurt you with details. If you feel she is sorry or worth a try I'd consider it. I have been to many support groups all with similar situations who have worked it out. Feel free to private message me, I'm sure many people on here are against my beliefs because they all seem to be telling you to let go.


Join date of 12/26, Just figured out this account is my STBXW's.... and she just admitted it.

Probably not a good idea to give advice on here to other people...

Lying to try to get me back....


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Really, wow.
She is resourceful and clever, no wonder she gaslighted you for 8 months and had you doubting your own sanity!


----------



## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

????


----------



## regrowth (Dec 21, 2012)

I did tell her i was posting on a support site.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Wow. Quite a catch she is.

With a child and two failed marriages, the future must be very bright for her!


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

regrowth said:


> Join date of 12/26, Just figured out this account is my STBXW's.... and she just admitted it.


Good Lord.
Sound's she's deperate and desperate people take desperate measures.
regrowth'd wife. First and foremost stop lying already. Only complete respect and radical honesty can help you. Beyond that it's all manipulation, not love. Don't you get how maniopulative was coming here to fool him again? What kind of message do you think he got from it?
Show respect, give him space. And use wisely your time and energy: working on self improvement. Asking yourself how the hell you gave permission to screw up things this way. Educate yourself, get help for your issues. I get you are in panic but stop reacting and start acting. It will pay no matter the outcome. If not for you for your child.

And leave this site to your husband, it's his place to get support and advice, go to survivingInfidelity.


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

regrowth said:


> Join date of 12/26, Just figured out this account is my STBXW's.... and she just admitted it.
> 
> Probably not a good idea to give advice on here to other people...
> 
> Lying to try to get me back....


Um, dude, run like hell. Just freaking run. If you have any rabbits and care for their safety, I would sell them now.

Sara, how you're not completely ashamed of yourself is beyond me. Grow the fvck up and get some help for yourself. And by help, I don't mean another sugar daddy between your legs.

So sorry for you regrowth. You deserve better than this.

Hang in there.


----------



## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

regrowth said:


> "Ill do anything I'll quit my job and stay at your dads and he can watch me when you are gone so you know im not anywhere",


I dont know why the H.E.L.L. anybody would want to live this way, you or her!!

I'm seeing a business opportunity here. Tracking ankle bracelets for the remorseful spouse, featuring GPS, VAR, 2way comminication, and cattle prod capability.

I can hear it now "I know where you are, if you put that in your mouth were are done, zap, AHHHH!"

We can call it CheatTrak


----------



## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

sara18 said:


> I'm sure many people on here are against my beliefs because they all seem to be telling you to let go.


For once in your life stop thinking about yourself and your own needs.

Your husband prefers to deal with his emotions in regard to your deceptive cheating behavior on his own.

That's why he moved out. By you going over to his dad's house, by you registering an account on this forum, by giving him the truth in small "manageable pieces" (as far as you're concerned), you're doing nothing less than harassing him and it's adding insult to injury.

If he wants to speak to you, he knows where to find you.

Leave him alone, you've done enough damage and the sad part is you just don't even realize this and you probably will read this and shake your head and keep right on harassing the poor guy because, like I said, it's all about you.

_For those who aren't up to date, the poster I quoted above is apparently the cheating wife of the guy who started this thread._


----------



## regrowth (Dec 21, 2012)

Can someone put this thread in some type of private section please. Now that she knows where it is i dont know who will get links to it etc..


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

sara18 said:


> It sounds like you have a lot going on. Every situation is different. In my case my husband cheated on me. I took some time to evaluate our relationship and decided I wasn't ready to move on. It is the worst feeling in the world knowing you weren't good enough. That is not the case. You will figure it out. We are still married and have worked it out. In fact we just had a beautiful baby girl not too long ago. You have many emotions going on right now. It is hard for anyone to admit to their deception. She clearly didn't want to hurt you with details. If you feel she is sorry or worth a try I'd consider it. I have been to many support groups all with similar situations who have worked it out. Feel free to private message me, I'm sure many people on here are against my beliefs because they all seem to be telling you to let go.


Wow! Just...*WOW*

That was intelligent, manipulative, underhanded, driven and focused. I appreciate those qualities.

I salute you! (I'd have been more impressed if you hadn't been caught so quickly)

So...since you've seen fit to force yourself into his inner sanctum, allow me to give YOU some free advice.

1) No one believes you. Start with that as a given. You have spent six months burning your reputation for honesty. Now, perhaps EVERYTHING is exactly as you said and you feel this is blatantly unfair. Deal with your reality. If you tell him ANYTHING, you need to back it up with another source. Not your friend Becky.

So...if you want a prayer of R, write out a detailed and TRUTHFUL account of your affair and find ways to back it up. Phone calls you made. Where you stopped to buy the condoms. People who knew. And offer and pay for a polygraph and pray it works.

2) You are driven and focused. Unfortunately, it seems your 'drive' was to another man's house to see if he still wanted to strap you on. Perhaps now you've realigned your focus where it belongs...and perhaps you are still lying.

YOU need to figure out how to prove where you are and what you are doing. Your job should go and your friends who helped you in this endeavor.

3) Give him space. You absolutely ruined his holidays. Give him time to get his head on straight. You feel this is a BAD IDEA. There is something called a 'trigger'. It's an object which causes a viceral bad emotional reaction reminding the betrayed about their betrayal. Right now YOU are a trigger so your constant interaction means you are heaping bad memory after bad memory on your husband.

Let the good memories come out...and account for where you are at all times with proof...because YOU are a liar. Don't forget that fact. You need to structure your life with footnotes from now on.

YOU may think regrowth is the best thing for you. Now you need to prove that YOU are the best thing for HIM! And because this is your second ride on the cheating rodeo, that is a steep hill.

Again...just all kinds of awesome on the manipulation front. Most people are going to crap on you but I appreciate something like that.


----------



## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Regrowth or Sara18,

What would have happened if Sara had feelings for the OM still. Nothing says I love you to a husband like screwing another man.

Regrowth, continue with D. You are headed on the right path.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

jim123 said:


> Regrowth or Sara18,
> 
> What would have happened if Sara had feelings for the OM still. Nothing says I love you to a husband like screwing another man.
> 
> Regrowth, continue with D. You are headed on the right path.


Almost had me fooled, oh well:slap:


----------



## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

tom67 said:


> Almost had me fooled, oh well:slap:


Too perfect of a WS, There is always more. It does not matter who files and long as it ends. They can always rebuild later and if it is meant to be, get back together,


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I almost feel bad for her!! She is desperate to get him back and is being incredibly stupid about it. 

sara18, if you are still reading the thread, your lies destroyed the relationship and they are destroying what little respect he has left for you. Some couple here reconciled from worse situations. It is a tough process but there is way to do it. More lying to your H is definitely not the answer. If you need help regarding this, post a new thread and receive support there. There are a few books you might want to read in the mean time.


----------



## regrowth (Dec 21, 2012)

Decorum said:


> Regrowth,
> You should get the book married man sex life (MMSL)
> 
> I have never heard of someone triggering from it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just a heads up this book is filled with triggers at least for me. As I am reading it, it brings up a lot of emotions I don't want to feel.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

regrowth said:


> Just a heads up this book is filled with triggers at least for me. As I am reading it, it brings up a lot of emotions I don't want to feel.


No doubt. But do you NEED to feel them?

If the feeling is an overpowering sense of chagrin over poor decisions in the past, than maybe it's something long overdue.


----------



## bff (Jul 24, 2012)

When I read it, it felt like a perfect explanation of what most likely tore my relationship down with my ex. That was hard to hear, yes, but it was also incredibly empowering to know that I don't need to repeat the pattern with another woman.

BFF
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## regrowth (Dec 21, 2012)

Bff: that makes perfect sense.

Well it has been a while since I posted. And I was curious if anyone who left their spouse over infidelity went through a stage where you felt bad for leaving...

My STBXW admitted herself to the hospital today because I am pretty sure she couldn't take the pain of being without me or being alone. At least she told me she was admitting herself to a mental hospital. She lives in the apartment we used to live, meanwhile I moved back in with my parents so I don't have to relive all the memories of us together while she still does.

I am basically just wondering if it is a normal stage of this type of process to feel guilty for leaving. Or perhaps she is trying to make me feel guilty by doing the things that she does...


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You did not choose to cheat, you did not have any input into the choice to cheat. Those are her choices, and she alone is responsible for the all too foreseeable consequences her choices have delivered to her. You have nothing to feel guilty about. She might be pitiful, but that is her problem, not yours. Remember that. The worst thing you could do is to get sucked into being a white knight. You need to take care of yourself, and not worry about her. Why are you still in contact?


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

regrowth said:


> I am basically just wondering if it is a normal stage of this type of process to feel guilty for leaving. *Or perhaps she is trying to make me feel guilty by doing the things that she does...*


----------



## regrowth (Dec 21, 2012)

Always nice to have some perspective.



SadandAngry said:


> Why are you still in contact?


I am still in contact with her because there are a great many financial concerns that we are still tackling especially with the fact that everything is in both of our names. Maybe that is an excuse for me to keep talking to her in some way. I tell her all the time our interactions need to be business like but she still finds ways to pour her heart out every time we need to talk about how we are going to pay for this and that. Not to mention divorces themselves are expensive and I am just a college student atm.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

regrowth said:


> Or perhaps she is trying to make me feel guilty by doing the things that she does...


 Ya think? Even when she says she's being committed, you don't fully believe her.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Any decent person will feel compassion for someone who is pathetic or pitiful. You are decent, so you feel compassion. Don't let it be guilt. You can feel compassion for anybody in a bad situation, but it doesn't make you responsible.

Don't let her sway you. She's made her bed. You're young and deserve a good life with a loyal woman.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

There is something wrong with a woman 8 yrs older than you wanting to date you in the first place. Do a better job finding an appropriate spouse the next time.


----------

