# Just a Fantasy



## 3bears (Jan 22, 2012)

My husband is a sex addict. I always cringe at the term because it sounds so stupid to me. Most guys really like sex. However, he uses sex to cope with problems in his life. We have plenty of those right now. He started with porn, then strippers, then at one point he was hiring prostitutes. The addiction peaked 9 years ago when he admitted his problem to me. According to him, he only had sex with one prostitute one time. We had a baby and I wasn't ready to give up the marriage so we worked it out with professional help.

Amazingly, my husband and I have a really good sex life. We usually have sex at least 3 times a week. I started drinking every now and then and found that I really like to be a little drunk for sex. We like to talk dirty while doing the deed and it tends to get a little racier when I drink. This last month I mentioned my fantasy of having a threesome with another woman. Of course, my husband was really into this and I had fun getting him going. 

Please understand, this is just a fantasy and I don't intend to ever go through with it. It does not fall into my value system and I think it would be bad for the marriage no matter what my beliefs are. I have explained this to my husband (not in the heat of the moment) but I think he is obessesed now. I caught him texting an escort company to arrange a girl. 

At first I thought he was cheating on me. He has once (that I know of) about 8 years ago. It took us a long time to work through it and I would not even have tried if we didn't have a child together. He told me he wanted to get me drunk and then have her come over. Then he told me it would never have happened because we don't have any money right now and he was just going to pretend to be interested with his texts. 

We agreed that it was probably best not to talk about this fantasy anymore, but last night I got really drunk and brought it up again. Now I am feeling regret and suspicion. I'm starting to wonder if we can ever have a normal sex life. 

He thinks nothing has happened and wants me to stop worrying about the texts. I really don't want to leave him, but I'm afraid I have opened Pandora's box and this is the beginning of the end.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sounds like you need to have a serious talk about boundaries.

Share passwords for all online accounts. Even a keystroke tracker on the computer.

And agree that this topic will never come up again. It was a fantasy while drunk that will never be followed through on.

And then you have to not bring it up again.


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

Most men get all excited about the possibility of two women. Since you talked about how you felt prior to bringing it up while drunk, that he would respect your wishes and leave it at that. Tell him you do not mind talking about it together while aroused and caught up in the moment but that is where it has to end. If he loves and respects you he will understand your feelings and leave it at that. It's not worth risking your marriage over a one night experience you may or may not enjoy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Please consider cutting out the drinking--clearly it is not helping. If you can't enjoy sex fully without being drunk, you might want to consider some counseling and exploring that. Usually alcohol appeals to people b/c it reduces anxieties/inhibitions, and in the long run, learning to do without it and be less anxious and more uninhibited when sober will lead to a happier, more fulfilling life than relying on alcohol. This is not to say you are a drunk or anything; it doesn't sound like that. But it does sound like something holds you back from enjoying sex fully without the "permission" that drinking gives you (permission to act dirty, or whatever; you can "write it off" the next day as "oh, I was just drunk . . .")


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## 3bears (Jan 22, 2012)

sisters359 said:


> Please consider cutting out the drinking--clearly it is not helping. If you can't enjoy sex fully without being drunk, you might want to consider some counseling and exploring that. Usually alcohol appeals to people b/c it reduces anxieties/inhibitions, and in the long run, learning to do without it and be less anxious and more uninhibited when sober will lead to a happier, more fulfilling life than relying on alcohol. This is not to say you are a drunk or anything; it doesn't sound like that. But it does sound like something holds you back from enjoying sex fully without the "permission" that drinking gives you (permission to act dirty, or whatever; you can "write it off" the next day as "oh, I was just drunk . . .")


You are absolutely right. That is part of why I feel so guilty. I have never had a drink in my life (33 years) until last month. I had planned on not drinking anymore because I knew I was using it to escape. In the last 6 months I have had a baby, my husband lost his job, and I have had to work full-time again. We are on the verge of having to move in with his parents. In the meantime, he is studying for the bar exam next month. I have been suffering from post partum depression and I thought drinking might help a little. Obviously, not a good choice. I do not intend to make it a new habit. I think it is dangerous for me.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Threesomes are for casual relationships, boyfriend/girlfriend who consent to it. 

Once you find wifey and settle down in a marriage it's a no no. I think that because you got it into his head and he's presumably a recovering sex addict that just opened the flood gates to all his repressed thoughts. It's going to take a ton of work to re-establish your previous boundaries. You drinking and mentioning it again doesn't help


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Does your husband have an ongoing treatment plan in place? Because sex addicts need one, otherwise the chance of falling off the wagon are greatly increased. My husband is a member of Sex Addicts Anonymous and finds it invaluable.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

The one thing about a fantasy that involves a third person. Once the fantasy becomes reality, someone always ends up getting hurt.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Doesn't sound like a good situation. MY suggestion, get into some MC and possible IC ASAP. His addiction apparently still needs to be addressed or he wouldn't be texting people about a "fantasy" threesome, and you might need some help with the drinking.


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## 3bears (Jan 22, 2012)

Unfortunately we don't have the money for MC or IC right now. He's not working and we have 3 kids to support. My husband has gone to a few SA meetings every now and then, but nothing consistent. There was a counselor who was helping him quite a bit, but he had to stop going when he lost his job. 

We talked last night about this issue and I think it went pretty well with one exception. He says he doesn't think he is a sex addict anymore. He says he used to think he was but not now. I don't know what to do with that. I kind of have a hard time believing in the concept anyway, but if he is not an addict, how does he explain his behavior? He says sex is something he turns to when his feelings are out of control. If he can fix his dysfunctional thoughts and feelings about himself and his life, he won't do this anymore. To me, that sounds like an addiction.
For the time being we have agreed to disagree on the addiction issue. I think we need MC to resolve that. 

Now I just struggle with trust. I have not trusted him completely since he cheated. That's part of why I liked drinking when we have sex. Then I'm not thinking about my insecurity in his fidelity. That's also why we don't "make love" we just have sex. I can give him my body, but I'm too scared to give him everything.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

3bears

It is just a fantasy. You are not doing anything wrong. My wife and I talk about this. Nothing has happened. We both know we are having fun.

I do not get the sex addict thing. Is there really such a thing? I have a high sex drive. I am not into porn, prostitutes, or cheating. I do not think I am a sex addict, but I love sex.

What happens when your husband goes through withdrawals? Does he get the sweats and start shaking. What happens? lol


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## 3bears (Jan 22, 2012)

Lol. I don't know. If he's sweating and shaky, he's not going without sex!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I heard of sex addiction as more of a compulsion than a physical addiction.

its a little different than say an addiction to drugs or alcohol.
kind of like ocd.


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