# Building a house



## GallAnonim (Jun 7, 2018)

Hi,
We decided with my wife that we want to move out from the block of flats into the house. We are both interested in one city area, but it’s very hard to find a nice house for sale there which is not to old. All the new houses are not for sale as the people who built it 5-10 years ago dont sell them. There are some semi-detached houses for sale but I dont like this. I would like to build detached home house there, but my wife says that she does not want to build as it requires a lot of time and effort and a lot of decision making. We would not be building by ourselves but we would hire a company to do that. My wife does not want to wait 1 year and want to move out as soon as possible which is very hard because of the reasons mentioned above. I feel like there is a very big pressure from my wife and as this costs a lot of money I think that it requires some time. I would like to build but for my wife its the worst nightmare. I run out of all reasonable arguments and my wife does not listen. She just wants to move out sooner the better. We have a place to live for the time of building a house. Pleas help me what should I do as it drives me crazy. I feel like my wife is limiting out possibilities with her stubborness.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

If it were me, I'd not move or build until a solution is created that both of you are satisfied with. And I'd be honest with her and share the pressure you feel - and that you'd prefer to not be in that sort of debt. 

I'd collect my thoughts and talk to her about it once. Not argue. If she starts to argue, say you're done, and you'll discuss it when she's ready to do the work of sorting out a genuine agreement.

And then I'd carry on with my life as it currently is. Perhaps with goals to save for whatever you decide in the future.

It's important to come up with a plan that's suitable for both. In the end living quarters come and go. It's your relationship and how you solve problems that matters.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

GallAnonim said:


> Hi,
> We decided with my wife that we want to move out from the block of flats into the house. We are both interested in one city area, but it’s very hard to find a nice house for sale there which is not to old. All the new houses are not for sale as the people who built it 5-10 years ago dont sell them. There are some semi-detached houses for sale but I dont like this. I would like to build detached home house there, but my wife says that she does not want to build as it requires a lot of time and effort and a lot of decision making. We would not be building by ourselves but we would hire a company to do that. My wife does not want to wait 1 year and want to move out as soon as possible which is very hard because of the reasons mentioned above. I feel like there is a very big pressure from my wife and as this costs a lot of money I think that it requires some time. I would like to build but for my wife its the worst nightmare. I run out of all reasonable arguments and my wife does not listen. She just wants to move out sooner the better. We have a place to live for the time of building a house. Pleas help me what should I do as it drives me crazy. I feel like my wife is limiting out possibilities with her stubborness.


Now this is a classic argument. Where you live are you sure that building a new custom home is going to be less expensive than buying an existing house. I have built a few houses for my family. And from my experience it is highly unlikely the cost of building will be less than buying. Unless you have good connections with some contractors, and can do some of the easy stuff your self, the cost of building new can really get away from you. Now building new you get exactly what you want but there is a premium price for that. Also your wife is correct that it can be a very stressful process. You might be better off looking for a good deal on a house that needs some work and doing some renovation to give it a new feel.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Nothing about cost in the original post. My advice is to drop it if your wife is that adamant about not building. No house is a perfect house, nor in the perfect location, even if you build it yourself. This is your wife, respect her wishes on this one and come up with a compromise or wait until a "newer" home in the area does appear on the market. At some time, your wife is going to want (or do) something that YOU are adamantly against and you will want her to respect your wishes not to. It is very important that when it comes to big decisions you both agree on the solution.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

GallAnonim said:


> I feel like there is a very big pressure from my wife and *as this costs a lot of money* I think that it requires some time.





BigToe said:


> Nothing about cost in the original post.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Ok now I get what the OP was saying. I must have read the post wrong originally regarding cost. My points are the same. And I will tell you if your arguing about this now if you get into building a new house the arguments will get much bigger and you will likely hear I told you so a lot.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

How old is "too old"? What makes it "too old"?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

A new house is a money pit. If you're in an already inflated market it's a risky money pit too.


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## GallAnonim (Jun 7, 2018)

The okd houses are ugly from the outside and the prcies is the same as building a new one with complete furnishing. Old house in this part of the city is more expensive then building a new one and during the years the technique of house building has evolved and what was good 40 years ago might not be good today. Old housr might be as well very expensive in terms of monthly payments. I agree that we have to come up with a solution that satisfies both of us.


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## GallAnonim (Jun 7, 2018)

BigToe said:


> This is your wife, respect her wishes on this one and come up with a compromise or wait until a "newer" home in the area does appear on the market. At some time, your wife is going to want (or do) something that YOU are adamantly against and you will want her to respect your wishes not to. It is very important that when it comes to big decisions you both agree on the solution.


But my wife wants to have a new house now so waiting is not an option.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

GallAnonim said:


> But my wife wants to have a new house now so waiting is not an option.


Waiting is an option. 

You may not want to deal with the discomfort/pressure of her reactive behavior to being told 'no', but it is an option.


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## GallAnonim (Jun 7, 2018)

Anyway the same was with buying a new car and happens always when I want to buy something that costs more than 300$. My wife saves on my hobbies but if she spends a lot sometimes then this is fine.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I know two people who built their own homes. Both ended up with beautiful houses - but in both cases it was a fantastic amount of work - far more than they had expected. (by built, I mean designed and managed construction, not that they did it with their own hands).

Its a great thing to do for people who enjoy that type of work, but its not a practical way to get a nice house.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Depends on the size and resale ability. And location.

Could you share some basic details like project scope (2000 sq ft vs 6000 sq ft, price per square ft, and what the market looks like? Ie more Seattle or more Cleveland ...

And how long you anticipate staying.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

GallAnonim said:


> We decided with my wife that we want to move out from the block of flats into the house.


When you say "we decided", can you give more detail about that? Which of you first brought up the idea of moving? How much convincing did it take to get the other person to agree to moving. Moving to a new house is a big decision and effort, so I'm sure you both didn't think of it at the same time.

Have you ever built a new house? It can entail an enormous amount of time and decision making. It depends if you go with a builder which has a set floor plan or you go with a custom builder who consults about everything from shingles to door knobs to tile. It's good because you can get things done to your liking, but it's also bad because you have to be so involved in the whole process.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

A few years ago, I built a home, but I did it by myself, prior to marriage. Actually, prior to even dating my now STBXH. Here was my thought process on the process:

Building:
- I get something new with a warranty
- I get to choose what I want it to look like
- It's move-in ready (after the 10 months it took to build)
- Same price as buying a much older home
- Would have to take care of landscaping

Buying:
- Homes in my price range were 50+ years old and needed a lot of work
- Would have to pay for an inspection
- Would have to clean the whole home before moving in
- Would have to make necessary repairs, some would probably be costly

Being that I was doing this on my own, I figured that the best bet for me was to build. I also figured that it would be much easier for me to lay down some sod and build a fence (my family helped with this) than it would be to do something like fix electrical wiring, replace shingles, etc. One home I found had no weeping tile, and that alone would've cost around $20-$30,000 to add!

So, you need to weigh your pros and cons. Sit down with your wife and make a list of 3-5 must-haves, and concentrate on a home that has those. If you find one that you can buy, great! If not, then weigh how important those must-haves are to having to wait to move. Even if you build and move in another year, at least you guys get the house that works 100% for both of you and is exactly what you want and need.


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## GallAnonim (Jun 7, 2018)

wilson said:


> GallAnonim said:
> 
> 
> > We decided with my wife that we want to move out from the block of flats into the house.
> ...


We were thinking about moving out for some time. We were saving to buy without a loan but we would have to save for another 10years or so and the prices go up with every year. All in all my wife was the one that wanted it a lityle bit more. I could wait few more years to have more savings.
I have never built a house before. I realize that it takes a lot of time and you have to make a lot of decisions but I think that it would be a nice challenge for the both of us. We would not build by ourselves but we would rent a company which specializes in the whole process of building a house.


Ursula said:


> A few years ago, I built a home, but I did it by myself, prior to marriage. Actually, prior to even dating my now STBXH. Here was my thought process on the process:
> 
> Building:
> - I get something new with a warranty
> ...


Our situation is very similar with the prices of the old houses and so on.
So after considering everything I think that the best option would be to build.
My wife unfortunately is very stubborn in general and she prefers to spend 20% more to have it now then save some money and have a nice house in 1-1,5half year. She saus that she needs a change now and that she cannot wait, so basically there is no discussion and and none of my points makes sense for her. Unfortunately I noticed that she is very narrow mainded and she wants to do it her way.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I've had three houses built. The first was a cookie cutter tract home in a sucky suburb that was being built when we moved there. The second was a semi custom design from a custom builder, and the third is the current McMansion which we designed together with the architect.

The third took a couple months design and 9 months to build. I played a bit of purchasing manager on it. We mail ordered door locks, faucets, and similar and saved a lot of money. 

One word of advice if you build. Work with a real licensed architect. We spent a few thousand dollars on his fees and the design came on budget and on time.


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

GallAnonim said:


> Hi,
> We decided with my wife that we want to move out from the block of flats into the house. We are both interested in one city area, but it’s very hard to find a nice house for sale there which is not to old. All the new houses are not for sale as the people who built it 5-10 years ago dont sell them. There are some semi-detached houses for sale but I dont like this. I would like to build detached home house there, but my wife says that she does not want to build as it requires a lot of time and effort and a lot of decision making. We would not be building by ourselves but we would hire a company to do that. My wife does not want to wait 1 year and want to move out as soon as possible which is very hard because of the reasons mentioned above. I feel like there is a very big pressure from my wife and as this costs a lot of money I think that it requires some time. I would like to build but for my wife its the worst nightmare. I run out of all reasonable arguments and my wife does not listen. She just wants to move out sooner the better. We have a place to live for the time of building a house. Pleas help me what should I do as it drives me crazy. I feel like my wife is limiting out possibilities with her stubborness.


Hi, compromise. Go to an area and buy already built. Don't have anyone build it for you nor build your own. Its a pain in the A**. You do not want to be house rich inside poor. The big money you spend on construction you could put 25% away for retirement,25% for a fund for each other to spend to seduce each other, 25% save for a rainy day. and the other25% pay off debts so you can lend and not borrow. If your location is expensive, leave find a place you can life at or below your means.

Your wife is wise...


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

GallAnonim said:


> Our situation is very similar with the prices of the old houses and so on. So after considering everything I think that the best option would be to build.
> My wife unfortunately is very stubborn in general and she prefers to spend 20% more to have it now then save some money and have a nice house in 1-1,5half year. She saus that she needs a change now and that she cannot wait, so basically there is no discussion and and none of my points makes sense for her. Unfortunately I noticed that she is very narrow mainded and she wants to do it her way.


Your wife sounds very set in her ways, and uncompromising. With a marriage, or relationships in general, both parties have to compromise to a point. Does your wife work? If not, and she's set upon getting a house now, tell her that she will then need to get a job to help make it happen. Or, if she's already working, would she consider getting a higher paying job or a second job on evenings and/or weekends? It's not up to you to give in completely, and she shouldn't have to either. Another option if she absolutely needs to move now is to move to a lower-priced area. She needs to understand that if she wants this to happen without a new home build, she needs to budge a little. Either through income or choosing a different area. It's not healthy or a good decision to live above one's means. That's a recipe for trouble with money, which leads to marital trouble in a lot of cases.


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## GallAnonim (Jun 7, 2018)

Ursula said:


> GallAnonim said:
> 
> 
> > Our situation is very similar with the prices of the old houses and so on. So after considering everything I think that the best option would be to build.
> ...


We are both working and saving a lot every month so there is no financial issues involved. The main problem is that my wife wants to move out now. She told me that tei years ago she would agree to build a house but not now. She says that now its not a right time, hovewer I don’t agree because if not now then we wont have time in future as well when we become older and will have childeen. I feel like she does not believe that we can do it and that I will find time to go and take a look is everything going well. I feel very sad and depressed by that because I thought that wife is someone who is your best friend and not against every your idea. Few years ago we bought a cheaper car to save more for a new house and now I see it as a bad decision, because if it will continue to be like that then we will stay at our place till the end of our lives.


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## GallAnonim (Jun 7, 2018)

I feel like if we buy sonething that is ready I will be forced to do that and wont feel like at home 😞


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I still see the house as a secondary issue, with the primary problem being communication and compromise. 

It's understandable that one can get bogged down in the details of this house or that, but if can't work through these issues in a way that genuinely makes you both happy, you're going to end up splitting all your material goods in a divorce settlement several years from now.


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## GallAnonim (Jun 7, 2018)

minimalME said:


> I still see the house as a secondary issue, with the primary problem being communication and compromise.
> 
> It's understandable that one can get bogged down in the details of this house or that, but if can't work through these issues in a way that genuinely makes you both happy, you're going to end up splitting all your material goods in a divorce settlement several years from now.


I think that you are right, but what should I do then? I know compromise I wish it would be easier... I didn’t expect that this could cause so much harm. What is worst that the nice thing is now hell. I believe that my wife should support me and follow on that idea.


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## GallAnonim (Jun 7, 2018)

I feel like only way to agree would be to submit to my wife but shouldnt it be the other way around?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

GallAnonim said:


> I think that you are right, but what should I do then? I know compromise I wish it would be easier... I didn’t expect that this could cause so much harm. What is worst that the nice thing is now hell. I believe that my wife should support me and follow on that idea.


There are two people in the relationship, so the strength is in _mutual_ compromise in a way that suits you both. There are endless possibilities that address your particular situation.

As I said before, I'd sit down with her and sort it out. It's work. It's hard. So we avoid the discomfort by giving in - or throwing temper tantrums. 

You have to know yourself, and know what you want, and be able to verbalize it. She needs to do the same. 

What are your short and long term goals? How can you reach them together?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

GallAnonim said:


> I feel like only way to agree would be to submit to my wife but shouldnt it be the other way around?


It's really not about one person submitting to the other, although it may seem like it sometimes. It's about sitting down, openly (and calmly) communicating, and reaching a solution that you're both happy with. I did what you suggested in your post that I quoted: I bowed down to my husband and gave into almost everything just to keep the peace. We're now in the middle of a divorce because among many other reasons, I just couldn't take being a secondary player in the marriage anymore. Both him and I needed to be primary players, and we weren't. So, talk, talk, talk, foster open communication, and see if you guys can reach a mutual compromise. If that doesn't work, would you both be willing to go talk to a couple's counsellor who can maybe help you guys sort things out?


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## GallAnonim (Jun 7, 2018)

My wife thinks that we dont need counselor. I proposed it some time ago and she does not want to hear about it. I found a lovely place where we could build a house but its not important as it is not an option. I am really scared and lost. I dont have any close friend to talk about it.


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## GallAnonim (Jun 7, 2018)

I communicate what I want and my wife communicates what she wants and we both know our needs but I see very little chance to agree on the same thing 😞


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## GallAnonim (Jun 7, 2018)

I dont want my wife to submit to me I know that this is stupid but I would like that she could share my vision and our visions are totally different 😞


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Well, if you've both expressed your needs/wants, and both of you are set in your ways, and you guys won't go to counselling, there's really not much else to suggest. I wish you the best of luck in coming to an amicable agreement!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The question is, where do you live now?

I'm familiar with the urban areas of most Midwest cities, from KC to STL to Chicago to Louisville and Columbus. There are many locations that have nice well developed urban living areas and suburbs, and places that are sprawl central. 

There are lots of factors to consider. Places like Columbus don't believe in snow clearing all that much (say, shouldn't you be plowing in front of the State House? I was in a hotel there during winter... WTF). Chicago has impossible traffic no matter where or when. Louisville is manageable. Detroit is getting better.

So it's not a quick answer whether it's worth it or not. It could, or not. You simply don't sell and move to the burbs. I could give you different answers for every city I've spent time in. 

Building a house is rarely a move that pays off. You go into crazy spending mode, and instead of fixing someone else's existing problem you spend a year arguing with the builder. Been there done that. 

Those urban areas suck too. My older girl is in a nice urban renewal zone and while the area is nice and affordable, the place is loud. Thank God it's 150 plus years old and the noise - traffic to hip hop - is relatively manageable. S-wife's luxury high-rise studio has awesome sound insulation on the walls and none on the floor. You can hear a cat walk. Suburban apartment? Flimsy to the end. Suburban house? 1/4 acre lot and almost zero privacy.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You should remain in your current home until there is a solution you both are enthusiastic about.

https://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html

One of the very memorable and ultimately destructive moves my xw made was many years ago related to buying a home. She heartily disagreed with the Policy of Joint Agreement. It was a total Love Buster.

It is not realistic that there are no pre-existing homes which you cannot be comfortable in. You are setting up an absolute which is not based in reality. You may have a preference for a custom built home, but there are many thousands of homes in your area in your price range which will meet all of the non-emotional things you will need or want in a home.

Unless you are willing to pay a premium price for a new build, I don't believe you will find current construction any sturdier or higher quality than previous eras. "Contractor grade" materials are bargain basement, and is what you will get in a new build unless you are willing to pay significant upcharges.


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## GallAnonim (Jun 7, 2018)

My wife does not want to stay at the current place 😞 For her this would be the same or even worse than building a new house.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

john117 said:


> Building a house is rarely a move that pays off. You go into crazy spending mode, and instead of fixing someone else's existing problem you spend a year arguing with the builder. Been there done that.


Depends on the builder. A friend and her husband built where I live, and their builder was horrible. I built 8 years ago, and my builder was awesome!

And @Thor, as for contractor grade materials are bargain basement, I think that also depends on the builder. Some homes are built better for sure, and some materials that the tradespeople use are better/stronger than others. Some are fantastic though. The only thing I've ever had an issue with in my new build (that's not longer new) is the hot water tank. For an entire 2-storey home, my list of complaints is rather short, and my builder wasn't custom; I live in a cookie-cutter home, and they build lots throughout the year. You just have to know a thing or two about homebuilding, trades, who is good and who to stay away from.



GallAnonim said:


> My wife does not want to stay at the current place 😞 For her this would be the same or even worse than building a new house.


Tell your wife that this isn't black and white, and that you guys need to get on the same page, and you need to work together on this. If she won't listen, then tell her that she's welcome to move now with her own money, and that you will hold off for a few more years.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The McMansion was designed to not have problems to begin with. That's where the architect fees were so useful. Not to mention energy efficient (missed LEED gold by a point). Full brick exterior, 2x6 and plywood sheeting, Pella windows and doors, dual zoned HVAC, real copper tubing, etc. Pity it's for sale, it is a heck of a McMansion.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Ursula said:


> And @Thor, as for contractor grade materials are bargain basement, I think that also depends on the builder. Some homes are built better for sure, and some materials that the tradespeople use are better/stronger than others. Some are fantastic though. The only thing I've ever had an issue with in my new build (that's not longer new) is the hot water tank. For an entire 2-storey home, my list of complaints is rather short, and my builder wasn't custom; I live in a cookie-cutter home, and they build lots throughout the year. You just have to know a thing or two about homebuilding, trades, who is good and who to stay away from.s.


Very true, however to get better than the cheapest grade materials it will cost more. My point is that having a new home built may appear to be cheaper than buying an existing home, but it probably isn't. They didn't put on a 30 yr roof or install lifetime windows when they built a basic home 30 years ago, but they don't do that now for the entry level price. The existing home which has been properly maintained probably has had the systems replaced, and it is probably better quality than the entry level priced new construction.

Start adding in the costs of getting the better appliances, better HVAC, better roofing, upgraded windows, better flooring, etc and the price is going to go up substantially. It isn't going to be _cheaper_ than an existing 20-40 yr old home.

OP is arguing he can spend less and get a better quality new construction custom home than an existing 20-40 yr old house. That's just not likely to be true.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, it really sounds like you aren't actually interested in reaching a compromise _with_ your wife. Instead, you want her to "compromise" by agreeing to do what you want. You seem to hint that if she really loved you, she would agree with you, want all the same things you do, and be happy to follow your lead. 

But, the fact is, your wife is an individual. She's an entirely separate person from you - one with her very own thoughts, ideas, feelings, dreams, desires. She isn't in lock-step with you because she is not you, nor even a part of you. She is herself. Just as you are yourself. And, as it turns out, two people may have very different ideas, feelings, thoughts and experiences regarding the same situation without either of them being wrong. Just as she is not wrong and you are not wrong. You two simply disagree. And you'll have to find a way to work through that disagreement. 

So, OP, I suggest that you read the link to the Policy of Joint Agreement that was posted to you earlier. Talk to your wife, see if you can come to an agreement that makes both of you happy, rather than just one of you getting your way. The inability - or worse, unwillingness - to work together to resolve conflicts with win-win solutions, is something that will erode love in a relationship and may eventually become a direct threat to your marriage. 

Oh, and when you suggested marriage counseling to your wife, was it with the hope that the counselor would set your wife straight, explain to her that you are right and that she should do what you want? If so, I strongly recommend the book Lovebusters by W. Harley. Reading it might help you understand that your desire to instruct your wife, or have a third party do it, in the error of her ways, is a disrespectful judgment and a huge lovebuster. MC would be a great idea, as it could help greatly with what seems to be a major communication issue in your marriage. But if you go, be prepared to do some real work, _both of you_, on understanding compromise and conflict resolution. She may be more willing if she thinks it's about improving your marriage for both of you, rather than feeling like you want to drag her there so the MC can "fix" her.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Thor said:


> Very true, however to get better than the cheapest grade materials it will cost more. My point is that having a new home built may appear to be cheaper than buying an existing home, but it probably isn't. They didn't put on a 30 yr roof or install lifetime windows when they built a basic home 30 years ago, but they don't do that now for the entry level price. The existing home which has been properly maintained probably has had the systems replaced, and it is probably better quality than the entry level priced new construction.
> 
> Start adding in the costs of getting the better appliances, better HVAC, better roofing, upgraded windows, better flooring, etc and the price is going to go up substantially. It isn't going to be _cheaper_ than an existing 20-40 yr old home.
> 
> OP is arguing he can spend less and get a better quality new construction custom home than an existing 20-40 yr old house. That's just not likely to be true.


Yup, very true, especially if it's a high-end, custom home in a high-end neighbourhood. Mine was still waaaaay cheaper than buying existing, but it's not custom, and I bought all of my appliances half price on Boxing Day the year before it was built. Plus, my builder allowed sweat equity, so my Dad did the heating, and about $7000 was knocked off the initial base price. So, there are ways around the cost of things, but I agree that in a lot of cases, building will be more than buying existing. OP can always look in older, less popular or a little more rundown neighbourhoods as well, as the homes there are usually cheaper (at least where I'm from, anyways).


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

One thing to keep in mind--there are a lot of decisions when building a house. If you can't come to agreement about this in the first place, what about all the hundreds of decisions you'll have to make if you build? What if you want the floors to be hardwood but she wants carpet? What if you want the color scheme to be modern but she wants traditional? And on and on and on. The advantage about buying a pre-built house is that you won't have to make all those decisions. That may work out better for your relationship.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If you build a house, make sure you spend the money for insulation... I've mentioned my daughter's subsidized special apartment. The building is about 125 years old, brick / cavity / brick 4 story. It was renovated 2 years ago to LEED standards, qualifying for more subsidies.

DD got her first bill, $50 for the month. 6 windows, thermostat at 70F, constantly cooking. Her previous utilities were 2.5 times that for the same size 650 sq ft apartment.

My own house was also designed to LEED gold (missed it by 1 point actually) and the utilities are laughably low as well.

Depending on your location you could get subsidies from your utilities depending on what you choose.


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