# Lost, scared and loney



## Lost and Abandonned (May 1, 2011)

My husband of almost 15 years wants a divorce. I do not want it at all and have done just about everything possible to convince him otherwise. 

Over the past 2 years, he's had two non-sexual, but still physical interactions with women from work. He claims he was depressed with life and felt no love coming from me. He is not blaming me, but it is his attempt and explaning it. In January, he moved out of our home. In the time he has been gone, he has engaged in an "emotional" attachment with another woman from work, who he initially sought out as a friend. This other woman is recently divorced, her husband had cheated on her multiple times. 

Now, my husband has said that this woman is not why he wants a divorce, but she has shown him that there is hope for a better life for him. He says this, but he continues a relationship with her. He told me that all he feels is guilt when he looks at me and she makes him happy because he doesn't feel guilt. 

I love my husband and feel so pathetic for wanting him after what he's done. I feel like I should be strong, have some self respect and know that I deserve more. But, no matter how much I tell myself that, I still want him. A part of me knows that if he came back, life would be extremely difficult. We would have to deal with his recent actions, trust would be a major issue for a long time and I don't know if I'd ever feel truly loved by him like I did in the past. My friends and family would be so disappointed in me if I took him back. 

I dont' want a divorce. I'm not scared about moving to a new place, managing my own finances or dealing with the day to day tasks alone. I love him, if anything, what he has done has shown me exactly how much I love him. I don't know what to do. 

Mornings are extremely difficult. I wake up hours earlier than normal with a sense of dread at facing another day. I feel like I get slapped again and again when I realize he's not there. I have lost my appetite and eat maybe once a day. I don't enjoy anything I used to and all I want to do is call him, beg him to come back. 

Any suggestions for helping me deal with this?


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## Lost and Abandonned (May 1, 2011)

A few other things to add...
I am caught up in a vicious cycle. A cycle where I call him, he tells me he loves me which gives me hope only to be let down a week or so later when he tells me he doesn't want to come back. I am in such a state of dispair that calling him and hearing him tell me he loves me is like a drug, it gives me hope. It re-engergizes me to make it through the day. But, then it crashes down on me later and makes me feel more pathetic and desperate. That turns into anger, which helps for maybe an evening, then the next morning - I'm desperate again to hear his voice tell me he loves me. So desperate that I can't think of anything else, so I call him. And it starts over and over. It's emotionally draining and damaging to me, and probably to him too. He already feels guilty, and me doing this just makes it worse.

I know I shouldn't call him. I KNOW that i need to just move on, but it is so hard. I feel like I am crawling out of my skin. I can't focus on anything (movies, books, friends). I don't know what to do to get through the hours on end of panic, despair and the agony of rejection. 

Does this desperation ever go away? The feelings of rejection, shame and abandonment? Or do you just get used to them? Numb? I don't want to lose my abilty to feel, I don't want to shut down, but I also can't stand them right now. 

I've read many self help books and I am seeing a therapist too. Nothing really helps, I just feel smothered by it. By the loss of what we had and could have. 

I try to focus on the negatives of staying together. I try to zen out and clear my mind of any thoughts. I try to use the rage I feel after his rejection to give me strength to move forward, but it only lasts a few minutes. 

I want to reach out to this woman and yell at her. Tell her what she's done. Explain to her that she did to me what someone else did to her. Tell her that I think she is a horrible person who has broken up a marriage and a home. Will that make me feel better? I don't know, sometimes I think yes it will, othertimes I think I will just look more pathetic to someone other than my husband. 

I know it's not her fault entirely. He started doing what he did long before she came into the picutre. But, a part of me knows that if she wasn't in the picture, if his life without me looked as bleak and lonely as mine, he wouldn't be so eager to move on. 

I am far from perfect, I know this. I know that I could've done things to improve our marriage, that I took it for granted after a while and became more focused on ME instead of US. However, nothing I did warranted this. I am the one left to deal with the emotions around the breakup of our marriage. I'm left with the burden of un-resolved feelings, rejection, shame. He got to have "fun", messing around with other women and I'm the one suffering. How is that fair?


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Yesterday I found on this site two great reads that are helping me to grow in strength about my situation. 10 core boundaries.... and a list of 34 things you should not do while seperated. I know you have read a lot of self help books, but maybe these things willl help you focus on what you should and should not be doing at this time. Good luck to you and God's speed in easing your pain. Time is helping me.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Breath in and out. Take each day as in comes. With time you will begin to cry a little less, eat and sleep a little more. (Still shocked to this day at how extremely little sleep and food my body functioned on for the first 3 months of my divorce.) You will once again have heartfelt smiles and laughs. You will feel happiness again. Until then, you must realize that whatever the reasons are for your husband’s unhappiness, you cannot stop or control the selfish choices he makes while trying to find happiness.

I knew I deserved to be treated better, but I did not completely realize that until I had experienced it a little. Although I tend to forget it some days, there are men out there who are just as egger to show a woman respect as they are to receive it in return. There are also men out there who would rather share concerns with their current wife/girlfriend/companion before trying to seek “emotional” support from another source.

I am not trying to suggest that you run out and start dating right away. However, I was slightly unaware of how it felt to be treated with so much more respect than I had been getting towards the end of my marriage. I had learned to accept my ex-husband’s undesirable behavior with my flawed concept of “It’s a guy thing.”

Some of the best advice I got when my marriage ended was, “Pick yourself up, dust off and take your reride.”


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