# Wedding vows



## Shoresofminnesota (Dec 30, 2014)

A recent response to one of my comments left me wondering, do vows even matter anymore? It seems more and more people are so preoccupied with the size of the ring and take very little consideration into what they are actually vowing to.

When I joined the Marine Corps I took an oath to uphold and defend the Constitution, when I married I took a vow before God that this was a commitment, not a "thing to do" and carry forward with this commitment until death.

What has happened to our society? I now find my marriage in trouble and here again have made the commitment to fix the issues. I see so many posts asking "whats wrong with my partner?" When you should be looking at yourself first, you only get out of it what you give into it.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Shoresofminnesota said:


> you only get out of it what you give into it.


I agree with the part I quoted, in particular. When we married, being Buddhist and atheist, we essentially vowed two things which we very consciously chose to match our philosophy of life and relationships: 1) to support each other in our personal growth, happiness, and inner peace, and 2) to remain together as long as we are both in love. Everything else flows from these two things, and leads to great freedom and great responsibility.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

When my aunt promise to love her husband forever and to stay through the worse, it was a unrealistic vow. Her husband later became a drug addict, disappeared on them on occasions, pawn their possessions, and left her and my cousins to go hungry, that my aunt had to beg for money. It turns out that love can be destroyed, and for worse is sometimes more than one can handle. Did she break her vow to love him forever and to stay through the good times and the bad, yes. But, she lacked the hindsight, and it was an unrealistic vow.


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## tippingpoint (Jan 6, 2015)

Let's be honest, there's a lot of gray area in wedding vows. Honoring your spouse, being committed, cherishing, etc. Unless you spell out in some prenuptual document how one goes about fulfilling those commitments to a spouse who's wants and needs are constantly changing as they age and mature, I just don't see how you can absolutely define what these vows mean for all people. Everyone has their dealbreakers, and while I agree that many abuse the notion of lifelong commitment at the first sign of trouble, you simply cannot paint everyone with the same brush. Your intolerance and lack of empathy could be working against you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Vows are one thing
Society is another
So is marriage and divorce

Some people's have a marriage that makes it til one of them croaks. 
Others do not.

Not everyone has the same life path/plan/marriage, etc.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I'm going to add another distinction: Marriage is a tool that serves us and our relationship; we are not subservient to marriage. We may find that someday, marriage no longer serves us, and we will end it, even though the _relationship _may continue.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Shoresofminnesota said:


> A recent response to one of my comments left me wondering, do vows even matter anymore? It seems more and more people are so preoccupied with the size of the ring and take very little consideration into what they are actually vowing to.
> 
> When I joined the Marine Corps I took an oath to uphold and defend the Constitution, when I married I took a vow before God that this was a commitment, not a "thing to do" and carry forward with this commitment until death.
> 
> What has happened to our society? I now find my marriage in trouble and here again have made the commitment to fix the issues. I see so many posts asking "whats wrong with my partner?" When you should be looking at yourself first, you only get out of it what you give into it.


These days it seems like -- to a lot of people, anyway -- vows carry little more weight than your typical EULA...

Just scroll to the bottom and click "Accept".


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## msT (Jan 3, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> These days it seems like -- to a lot of people, anyway -- vows carry little more weight than your typical EULA...
> 
> Just scroll to the bottom and click "Accept".


This seems to have hit the nail on the head for my generation.
Whenever we've had rough patches before I would always think of Matt Damon telling his girlfriend in the Departed that if it isn't going to work out she's going to have to be the one to end it because he's Irish and will put up with something being wrong forever.
Maybe I'm in an Irish stalemate....


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think often when people talk about vows they're really referring to vowing to stay married. They conviently forget about the love, honor, and cherish part. We see it all the time: "I know I wasn't a good spouse", ie I didn't fulfill the love, honor, and cherish part but don't the vows to stay married mean anything? It's a convenient cop out for someone that was a crappy spouse. The vows matter when they suit you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> *I think often when people talk about vows they're really referring to vowing to stay married.* They conviently forget about the love, honor, and cherish part. We see it all the time: "I know I wasn't a good spouse", ie I didn't fulfill the love, honor, and cherish part but don't the vows to stay married mean anything? It's a convenient cop out for someone that was a crappy spouse. The vows matter when they suit you.


You know... I don't think that I've ever actually considered this. There's probably a lot of truth in it, though.

Wow.


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## Shoresofminnesota (Dec 30, 2014)

The meaning of this is that vows are something to be taken seriously, they are not just words spoken. Sure there are situations in which they need to be broken, abuse, drug addiction, infidelity etc... But they are not to be thrown away because one feels as though they need to be free, have their independence, their selfish act involves more than just them.

I look at the decline in our society and just shake my head, whats the point in getting married if these vows have little meaning? Why not just live together?


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## tippingpoint (Jan 6, 2015)

Good point. Marriage in many ways is an anachronism. Unless a couple plan to have children, I don't see any need to marry in today's society and will say the same thing to my children. 

I'll have to gently disagree with your larger dig at society as a whole. We are a more just society now than we've ever been. Crime is way down, teen pregnancy down, minorities/women/gays/children all have more empowerment than ever before.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Shoresofminnesota said:


> The meaning of this is that vows are something to be taken seriously, they are not just words spoken. Sure there are situations in which they need to be broken, abuse, drug addiction, infidelity etc... But they are not to be thrown away because one feels as though they need to be free, have their independence, their selfish act involves more than just them.
> 
> I look at the decline in our society and just shake my head, whats the point in getting married if these vows have little meaning? Why not just live together?



And you just made my point. You speak only of the vow to stay married, not the vow to be a decent spouse. 

And frankly I'm not interested in forcing someone who doesn't want to be married to me to stick around. Life is too short to live like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shoresofminnesota (Dec 30, 2014)

tippingpoint said:


> Good point. Marriage in many ways is an anachronism. Unless a couple plan to have children, I don't see any need to marry in today's society and will say the same thing to my children.
> 
> I'll have to gently disagree with your larger dig at society as a whole. We are a more just society now than we've ever been. Crime is way down, teen pregnancy down, minorities/women/gays/children all have more empowerment than ever before.


Crime is down, prison population the highest in the world, we are a throw away society, how is that being more "whole" than ever before?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Shoresofminnesota said:


> Crime is down, prison population the highest in the world, we are a throw away society, how is that being more "whole" than ever before?


There are always negatives. On the other hand, there are many positives, but perhaps to you things like equal rights and equality and opportunity don't count. If you have a "glass half empty" view of life, then you simply aren't able to see progress as positive.


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

Doesn't feel like they mean much anymore. I took mine seriously; I wouldn't have put up with 10 years of abuse from my ex if I thought marriages were as disposable as leftovers you're not going to eat.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Shoresofminnesota said:


> A recent response to one of my comments left me wondering, do vows even matter anymore? It seems more and more people are so preoccupied with the size of the ring and take very little consideration into what they are actually vowing to.
> 
> When I joined the Marine Corps I took an oath to uphold and defend the Constitution, when I married I took a vow before God that this was a commitment, not a "thing to do" and carry forward with this commitment until death.
> 
> What has happened to our society? I now find my marriage in trouble and here again have made the commitment to fix the issues. I see so many posts asking "whats wrong with my partner?" When you should be looking at yourself first, you only get out of it what you give into it.


*Shores: Excellent point!

If you fail to honor the promise that you made to the United States and to the Marine Corp, and greatly depending upon the alleged malfeasance and the resulting willfulness in which one carries it out, you could summarily be sentenced to the brig, or the U.S. Corrections System for up to life; or even a date with the injection gurney or the firing squad! They do not mince words with those vows!

The same should basically be true with marital vows! From the historical perspective, those vows were taken that way, moreso with women. Any woman, who was proven as cheating in her marriage was summarily tried in the court of public opinion and heartily convicted with a red letter for all to have knowledge about.

If a family man did it, it was not uncommon for a group of his peers to gather him up and take him off somewhere and literally beat the living hell out of him then turn him over to the local authorities who might opt to continue before throwing him in jail.

In a nutshell, society is largely at fault for coming to, flippantly and legally, look the other way, allowing this society of cheaters a massive degree of laissez faire in their lecherous freedom.

The law has signed off on it, honoring the rights of of those who cheat with far greater weight, than those who are infidelity's innocent victims! Even in divorce courts, the cheater more often than not always walks away with more than half of the marital assets; and if it's a cheating woman, she would likely be getting conservatorship of the kids with upn to 20 years hefty child support ~ which isn't always spent for the kids benefit!

Society has denegrated, maritally speaking, to failing to honor God, country, community, family, or each other! No matter how you look at it, It's a royal cesspool!*


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

tippingpoint said:


> I'll have to gently disagree with your larger dig at society as a whole. We are a more just society now than we've ever been. Crime is way down, teen pregnancy down, minorities/women/gays/children all have more empowerment than ever before.


Crime is down due to the prison population. I think the minority community is not as empowered as you think, and that is due to societal issues.

Agree about more empowerment for the non-white male classes of people.


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## Shoresofminnesota (Dec 30, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *Shores: Excellent point!
> 
> If you fail to honor the promise that you made to the United States and to the Marine Corp, and greatly depending upon the alleged malfeasance and the resulting willfulness in which one carries it out, you could summarily be sentenced to the brig, or the U.S. Corrections System for up to life; or even a date with the injection gurney or the firing squad! They do not mince words with those vows!
> 
> ...


Thank you, hope was lost for a moment that nobody seems to take these vows seriously. Largely I see this deterioration, and I know I will be beat to hell for this but its the truth, as this so called movement that EVERYONE needs or demands to be treated equally. Rightfully so but there is a role in which men take and women take when they marry. 

I am from a family of 5 kids, mom stayed home dad worked. Mom was always there when we came home until we were old enough then she went and worked but was still always home when we were done with school. It is those values that are lost, to me its selfishness, the I want it now crowd, the iPhones, 60" TVs, new cars etc...

It has festered in our society for years and now with this so called empowerment we see marriage as just a thing to do when ya feel like it. Sorry folks, when you get married, have children and settle in for life it is what it is. Of course there are the exceptions. 

I am a man of convictions, I have stood true to my God, my country and my wife and I refuse to be the 50% of the "divorced" crowd who slings out that word like its some status symbol. Amen to you arbitrator. Amen


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## Butterfly6118 (Nov 24, 2015)

I think marriage vows mean nothing . I said my vows and I meant them. But my husband apparently did not. I tried to save my marriage . He's left 4 times . The first 3 times we worked it out went to couciling. I thought things BTW us were good this time and then he's gone again. I had to make a decision of what was best for me but for my daughter. And him coming and going wasn't good for either of us. 
You can be committed to your marriage but if the other person isn't then there isn't anything u can do. A marriage is two ppl but if only one wants it.. then what?
Before we married we agreed and promised that divorce was not an option. He never kept that promise and he never seemed to mean it. 
Personally at this point I don't ever wanna be married again . Because I feel like I promised god I would stay with this person and my husband made me break that promise. 
Wedding vows should be. I promise to stay with u till you annoy me and or I find someone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Mr.Fisty said:


> When my aunt promise to love her husband forever and to stay through the worse, it was a unrealistic vow. Her husband later became a drug addict, disappeared on them on occasions, pawn their possessions, and left her and my cousins to go hungry, that my aunt had to beg for money. It turns out that love can be destroyed, and for worse is sometimes more than one can handle. Did she break her vow to love him forever and to stay through the good times and the bad, yes. But, she lacked the hindsight, and it was an unrealistic vow.


Actually no.

When he brought in addiction, that's a type of infidelity. He chose the drugs over her.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I guess my feelings in regards to vows are that they are basically useless and meaningless to any person possessing a free will and a rational mind. They only mean what you feel they mean at the time you make them. I know this will upset a lot of the bitter enders, but the reality is that a vow is just meaningless words. 
Take the oath that the OP referred to "defend and uphold the Constitution" what it really means is an oath to defend and uphold the government, which is in no way shape or form the one intended by the founding fathers. Otherwise, all military personnel would refuse to deploy overseas without a real declaration of war as per the Constitution. 
And as the same holds true of the vows of marriage as someone else has posted. I would much rather have someone be with me because they want to be with me, than because of some obligation to a vow they made years ago, under different circumstances, when they (and I) were a different person.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Zombie thread


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