# bad idea?? asked exH round tonight...



## WhatKatyShouldHaveDone (Jun 12, 2012)

So I've posted on here a few times, but I spend hours on here every day. It helps so much.

My H and I are separated (not my choice) and I have moved out.

For the last 3 months or so the good days have FAR out weighed the bad. I am for the most part excited to get living my new life, excited to be single, excited about all the incredible men there must be out there, all the wonderful opportunities, new friends, new horizons! Don't get me wrong, that bad moments/days have been brutal. 

However the last couple of weeks have been consistently awful - I'd been settled in my new place for about 8 weeks, quite content, very sad at times, but I felt acceptance. 

And then BAM! Out of nowhere.

Thought I was over that intense pain... Crying...everywhere...._everywhere_ Just a constant stream of hot tears, and no emotion inside. Then sometimes when I'm alone and hidden away I am full on sobbing with intense emotions - a very very disturbing sound!! 

For some random reason I felt like I wanted him back soooooo much, I would have done anything. But at the same time, in some dark recess of my brain, I still knew that splitting up was the best thing for me.

It is the hanging onto hope that is killing me. I absolutely need to move on. To rip the plaster off.

I can completely relate to the saying "You've got to get under someone to get over someone". I know myself rather well, and I know sleeping with another man would signify the end for my marriage. It would get me out of limbo once and for all, I would be truly moving on. It would be very cathartic...if I had the opportunity I would take it for sure. Which again is more proof that I want out of this marriage. 

But right now it is not happening...and right now I need some physical touch. Not sexual, just comforting, physical touch. It is such a strong need....I feel emotionally, mentally and physically _exhausted_, i just want him to hold me for a bit, so I can escape for a bit, rest for a bit. Let him stroke my hair, snuggle on the sofa and watch a bit of telly.

Probably not hugely healthy. And believe me, I do try to get hugs wherever I can; my beautiful kids, friends - strangers!!

But it's not the same!!! 

He is happy and willing to give this to me, he has needed this sort of comfort from me many times over this entire process - often more than me especially before i moved out, and I have always been happy to oblige.

But his willingness to be close to me in this way, the confusion he admits to, his mixed messages are completely breaking me, and until he appears before me on his knees begging to make this work, begging to go to MC, then I need to MOVE ON and not look back. I know this....

....so why am I still wanting him to come round tonight? I asked him this morning and he said 'is it such a good idea?'. I told him he doesn't need to worry; I'm not going to start thinking he wants me back....I just need some hugs.

I'm rambling and I'm not even sure of my point :scratchhead:....separated spouses having sex from time to time is quite common I believe...but does anyone have snuggles from time to time? Or have I finally become one sandwich short of a picnic?

God, after writing that I do think I'm crazy...inviting him round is the path to even more craziness....I've come so far...why would i want to do that to myself?? 

can somebody please talk me down off this ledge??!!


----------



## pseudonym (Aug 19, 2012)

It sounds like already know the answer to your question.


----------



## WhatKatyShouldHaveDone (Jun 12, 2012)

I do know the answer...very very bad idea.

But I just can't seem to pick up the phone and tell him this.

Seeing him tonight will make me feel better in the short term at least...and it may remind him of what he's missing....??

...I'm just kidding myself aren't I? If he wanted to try again, if he wanted me back I wouldn't be able to keep him away.

I'm looking for ways to feel better and this seemed like the quickest easiest way this morning.

Mornings are my worst time of day...I should not be allowed to talk to anyone or make any decisions until at least 12pm in the afternoon.

Elvis keeps serenading me in my head 'I feel so lonely baby, I feel so lonely i could die'....


----------



## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Seeing him tonight will make me feel better in the short term at least...and it may remind him of what he's missing....??


So, short term reprieve for long term pain? I think I'll take short term pain for long term gain. The issue with your thinking is that it won't remind him of what he is missing. It will remind him, at least right now, of what he has on the backburner and can always go back to. 

You aren't a whole person right now. It wouldn't be good for either of you to reconcile, and that is something you are going to have to get in your heart and your head. 



> I can completely relate to the saying "You've got to get under someone to get over someone". I know myself rather well, and I know sleeping with another man would signify the end for my marriage. It would get me out of limbo once and for all, I would be truly moving on. It would be very cathartic...if I had the opportunity I would take it for sure. Which again is more proof that I want out of this marriage.


Total crap, and a path to more regret, more guilt, and more pain just another form. Connection to another individual in that manner is poison for you right now.


----------



## donkler (May 21, 2012)

Yeah probably a bad idea, my experience was the opposite really.

I went no contact with my wife, for self healing and self growth etc, this hurt my STBXW so much, she started puling at the heart strings......eg.

"Not that you're bothered but I have just watched our wedding DVD and broke down"

Me, being a nice guy and completed 3 months of no contact.......replied like a fool lol.

She ended up coming round and we slept together, this happend another two times since, but nothing ultimately changed, she had a bit of cake, and is still getting divorced.

God only knows why she felt the need to have contact with me, we have no children, probably just cake that I am taking away from her....decree absolute should land any day now 

Please be careful x


----------



## 4Everalone (Sep 30, 2012)

WhatKatyShouldHaveDone said:


> I can completely relate to the saying "You've got to get under someone to get over someone". I know myself rather well, and I know sleeping with another man would signify the end for my marriage. It would get me out of limbo once and for all, I would be truly moving on. It would be very cathartic...if I had the opportunity I would take it for sure. Which again is more proof that I want out of this marriage.


I can relate to your feelings here. Since my separation (we still live together, which complicates it more, but has actually been a blessing so far, read my post "what the heck just happened" ) I don't have the desire or energy right now to start dating and courting other woman, although like yourself, if the opportunity presented itself with the right woman I would not shun it. I have let her go, she still is seeing the OM that originally started our mess but we are past that now because she is not my wife anymore, but we are friends. The problem is I too have my times of sadness and wonder how it all went wrong. I think your situation as described is you have embraced it and are slowly moving on and it will just take time, sometimes lots of time to really get past these feelings. Wanting physical contact like just hugging and snuggling is perfectly normal, I feel it really helps the in the healing. Sometimes I have the most intense emotions for my ex (not because we are having sex) because its hard to just push out 20+ years of emotions in the drop of a hat, she feels the same way and we know it will pass eventually, but its hard.. Fight the good fight! you're handling it!


----------



## WhatKatyShouldHaveDone (Jun 12, 2012)

4everalone - I have read your post, and I can completely relate to what you have written. I have too found it much easier to move on being friendly and loving towards my H...sometimes though it does become a tricky path to navigate. I am so sorry your wife cheated on you, but this sounds like you're handling it really well, this will probably be the making of you, :smthumbup: you deserve so much more.

Donkler - sorry you are going through this, I would and have done exactly the same as you - so don't feel too foolish! 

We gather what's left of our broken selves, begin to take care of ourselves, show signs of moving on, getting stronger...they do not like this!! So they drop a tasty line, and like the vulnerable, hopeful, trusting people we are, we bite. They reel us in...play around with us for a bit, then once they feel more in control they chuck us back into the sea of $hit without a second glance!

I also live in Nottingham 

Dedicated2Her - I agree with you. And normally I fancy myself rather a master of delayed gratification! Short term pain for long term gain is my thang!  but I was having a very weak moment and a rubbish few days.

But I think I disagree with your last paragraph - I will not feel guilt. What is there to feel guilty about?

It is not cheating. Our marriage has been over for 9 months. My husband has been a stranger to me every one of those days.

Not that I need a court to tell me when our love, our marriage is dead, but in uk we have to wait 2 years for divorce...which is a long time. I will not be waiting 2 years! 

It is possible for women, like men, to separate love and sex. 
But they clearly do overlap - if you are looking having sex for the wrong reasons it can be very damaging. For this reason I will never EVER again have sex with my husband unless we are 100% reunited. :rofl:

To try and have 'meaningless' or nsa sex with him would be impossible in the first instance and most importantly would _definitely_ lead to a great deal of pain and anguish...I will not go there.


----------



## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

WhatKatyShouldHaveDone said:


> 4everalone - I have read your post, and I can completely relate to what you have written. I have too found it much easier to move on being friendly and loving towards my H...sometimes though it does become a tricky path to navigate. I am so sorry your wife cheated on you, but this sounds like you're handling it really well, this will probably be the making of you, :smthumbup: you deserve so much more.
> 
> Donkler - sorry you are going through this, I would and have done exactly the same as you - so don't feel too foolish!
> 
> ...


Sex is never meaningless. It creates attachment whether you want it to or not. Sex outside of a marital partner creates guilt or regret at some point. But, go ahead. My opinion is based out of experience and seeing others go through it. It doesn't help the core you. In fact, it is very damaging to your self image.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SCondeck (Oct 5, 2012)

I wish mine would start thinking like this. She didn't want to sleep with me while we were married and living together so why would she start now?


----------



## donkler (May 21, 2012)

How did it go Katy?


----------



## WhatKatyShouldHaveDone (Jun 12, 2012)

Morning Donkler  Thanks for asking...

Weeelll, I got a text from him at 8pm saying he had just got in from work, and he was still feeling under the weather and has 'loads' of things to do, so he hopes I'm ok, and that I understand if he doesn't come round.

By this point I was really relieved....I had realised that it was a stupid idea. I mean even just for the fact that I should not be belittling myself to ask _anything_ from him. Especially comfort, especially when he is the one that has given me reason to need it.

wanker.

I replied and hour or so later and said:
Of course I understand, and you are right; it would just send me backwards. I would do anything for you, for us, except for being where I am not wanted. Never, ever again. Situations like this are good for me...brutal, but ultimately the best thing. They remind me that I am not that special girl to you anymore, that things have changed forever. You no longer want me. I just need to get with the programme. Having said that, maybe another time! Sleep well'.

Aaarggghhh. why did I have to put that last bit in at the end 'maybe next time'...what the frick is wrong with me???!!!

He replied: You too. sleep well. 

??????

Who IS this man????

Scondeck...I've not read your threads, but maybe she will start now? We all want what we can't have after all. But if you're on this forum, then it probably means it would not be a good idea anyway!

D2H - i do appreciate your opinion, and I think you're right sex is never meaningless, hence my "inverted commas"...buuuut, sex _can_ be just sex, for many people. If we engage in any kind of interactive, mutually beneficial experience with someone we like it can cause attachment/bonding....we are emotional creatures after all.

If there's a great big gaping hole inside that you're looking to get filled through someone other persons approval...then yep, baaaaad idea. But if you're looking for a human connection, and nice feelings - why not??!!

He is no longer my marital partner. He broke his vows, he abandoned me. I do not need a divorce to tell me I am no longer married. He did that all by himself.

So another day...stuck between a rock and a hard place...


----------



## donkler (May 21, 2012)

Sent you a PM Katy


----------



## 4Everalone (Sep 30, 2012)

WhatKatyShouldHaveDone said:


> D2H - i do appreciate your opinion, and I think you're right sex is never meaningless, hence my "inverted commas"...buuuut, sex _can_ be just sex, for many people. If we engage in any kind of interactive, mutually beneficial experience with someone we like it can cause attachment/bonding....we are emotional creatures after all.
> (


You said a mouthful there, to me I could never be married to her again after what she did, but I still have a sexual appetite and not wanting to date right now saves me from empty relationships. I guess it just makes this convenient at the moment.


----------

