# STBX giving mixed signals



## don'tmesswithtexas (Jul 18, 2013)

Just the quick background: we have been married 13 years and I found out he cheated with one of my best friends a year ago but I just found out about it on June 15th and I filed for divorce on June 28th. We have a 60 day waiting period in Texas and we are in the discovery process and are using our attorneys to has our the settlement. 
We have felt disconnected for years and he supposedly had ED issues so our sex life was non-existent and the fact that he cheated made it even harder to take. 
We are both still living under the same roof and he usually sleeps downstairs on the couch or in our son's room on his bed. I have told him he can use our bed to sleep when I am not home as he works night shifts & I work days. On July 16th, right before I had to get up for work he came in our (my) room and laid on top of the blankets and threw his arm over me. I got up for work 15 minutes later and when I asked him about it later he said he "was just saying hi" per his explanation. No further contact or sleeping in my bed after that incident.
This morning he came in our (my) room and actually got under the blankets and cuddled with me and held my hands about 15 minutes before my alarm went off to get ready for work. I can't remember the last time we cuddled. I asked him about it today and he said he couldn't sleep and was tossing and turning and he didn't want to make me mad so he came upstairs right before my alarm went off. 
Any clue into the male psyche as to why he is doing this?:scratchhead:


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

He's trying to (in a lame, limited way) get close to you again. Maybe he regrets what he's done. Maybe he wants another chance. Maybe his girlfriend dumped him. Who knows. But if you are sure you want a divorce, you may want to shut this down now, before you start having sex with him. Cause I think I can see where this is headed...

C


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

I agree with PBear. He might be having doubts or be confused. How has he reacted to you filing for divorce up to this point?


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Wow, that is probably something you did not want to deal with as you work through the breakup.

I believe that the consistent advice on TAM is to think about what you want from your relationship and from him. Continue down the path of the divorce because the reality is that R is exponentially more difficult than the hard work it takes to keep a healthy marriage going. Communicate what you want to him with specific actions, counseling, proof of no one else etc and demand those things be done before you stop your current path.

If R does come into play, there is no reason that it cannot happen if you are already divorced. Don't underestimate his financial motivations as well, sorry to say.

You must be confused and hurting so stay focused on what YOU need and not him.

He has to prove to you that his motivation is sincere.

Best of luck,
Stretch


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## don'tmesswithtexas (Jul 18, 2013)

Yes, I am going through with the divorce. Backing off is NOT an option for me as I cannot trust him and he cannot be the husband I need. 
We haven't had relations in nearly 3 years so I think it is him feeling sorry for himself and not wanting sex but wanting closeness and feeling lonely. He is not with the OW as she reunited with her husband and has three kids they are raising.
Part of me does love him and I feel sorry for what is coming when he moves out to a lonely apartment but that was his choice when he lied to me and betrayed me and he has done cyber cheating in the past and I don't want to have to wonder where he is or who he is flirting with any more. I want to move on and maybe find a stable relationship in the future or just be on my own and be able to breathe and have someone to laugh with and who might appreciate me.
I just cannot get into STBX's head and don't know why he would even reach out at this point. We are likely going to finish up the divorce and it could be final by September is my guess.
Thus far he is on board with the divorce and we both have our own attorneys although I am the one that filed.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Cheating with one of your best friends is so low. You lost 2 things here: husband and a married girlfriend. I agree both things deserve to stay lost.

Why waste time and energy getting into your stbx's head?


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