# Sex as a weapon



## phoenixmountainman (Apr 5, 2012)

I'm finally at my wit's end, after a situation that arose last night while watching the Super Bowl with my wife. Granted, this isn't the first time this has happened, but I will use last night as an example, since it's fresh in my mind.

For starters, I love my wife dearly, and honestly believe she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. 

Leading up to last night, my wife suggested that we go to a local sports bar to watch the Super Bowl, have a few drinks, then afterwards come back to the house for some sex. Naturally, I was all for her suggestion. We had a great time watching the first half of the game, however at halftime things began to go downhill. She recalled some former football player nicknamed Skeletor, but became incensed when I didn't know who she was referring to. She didn't know when he played, what position he played, or who he played for, but was furious that I couldn't figure out the player's name. Finally, she was so mad, she said "I just want to go home and go to bed."

I was disappointed that the night had taken a downward turn, but I told her we could leave and go home if she wanted to. She said we could stay and finish watching the game, but spent the rest of the night almost in a pout. Finally, after the game ended and we were walking out to the car, she said that when she had said she just wanted to go home and go to bed, she could see on my face (though I said nothing of the sort) that all I cared about was being disappointed that it didn't seem like we were going to have sex after the game. I tried to explain that my disappointment was at the fact that she didn't seem like she was having fun, and that it wasn't related to the sex. She refused to believe that and said that she knew what I was "really" thinking. She then proceeded to launch into a tirade of how I was the world's biggest fu$&8&) ********* and even though I may act like a really nice guy, she didn't believe it for a second, and that all I cared about was sex. By the time we made it to the house, she continued berating me, and told me to not wake her in the morning when I left and that she didn't ever want to talk to me again. She confined on about what an ******* I was, and in so doing, referred to me by her ex-husband's name. 

After about 30 minutes, she finally quieted down and went to sleep. I'm left feeling completely set up by the course of events. I said nothing to indicate that all I cared about was sex...she just decided that's what my face "said" and refused to believe me when I told her otherwise. I feel like she just decided she didn't want to have sex and rather than turn me down, she went this route to make me out to be the bad guy.

She complains that all I care about is sex, but here's where things stand in our marriage:
If I'm lucky, once a week, she will "let me" go down on her. Nearly every time, afterwards, she comments, "I don't know why I ever turn you down for this"
." Perhaps once every two weeks we'll have sex. And during all of the times in between, if I ask for a hug or a kiss, she'll respond by telling me that I'm just a needy little *****.

I find myself just completely confused. It's not that she just flat out doesn't enjoy sex...she does. I find myself thinking that there must have been some issues between her and her ex about it, and that's being put onto me. However, I hate being made to feel like there's something wrong with me for wanting to be close to and have sex with my wife. In my way of thinking, that should be a good thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I think you have deeper issues going on than the lack of sex right now. I found this thread that you started, and it looks like you are dealing with a spouse who feels you neglected her in favor of "taking care" of your Ex and her reacting by having an EA and possibly her trying to start a PA with someone who backed out at the last minute. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/43405-past-infidelity-issues.html

How is everything as of now? It would probably help if you gave an update on how your relationship is going.


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## phoenixmountainman (Apr 5, 2012)

As an update on the relationship as a whole, it bottomed out this fall. There were many disagreements, and much misery. However, since early December, it seems that the ship has been righted, and is on course. Everything certainly isn't "fixed," but we've both been enjoying being married much more the past few months and enjoying our time together immensely. Lately, the only times things haven't been going smoothly are incidents related to sex, like the one I mentioned above.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

phoenixmountainman said:


> Leading up to last night, my wife suggested that we go to a local sports bar to watch the Super Bowl, have a few drinks, then afterwards come back to the house for some sex.


Good for you! Oh, wait. She wasn't serious. Sorry.



phoenixmountainman said:


> I was disappointed that the night had taken a downward turn, but I told her we could leave and go home if she wanted to.


You offered to stop watching the Super Bowl because your wife was pouting? Dude.



phoenixmountainman said:


> I tried to explain that my disappointment was at the fact that she didn't seem like she was having fun, and that it wasn't related to the sex. She refused to believe that and said that she knew what I was "really" thinking.


Dude.



phoenixmountainman said:


> She then proceeded to launch into a tirade of how I was the world's biggest fu$&8&) *********


Dude.



phoenixmountainman said:


> By the time we made it to the house, she continued berating me, and told me to not wake her in the morning when I left and that she didn't ever want to talk to me again. She confined on about what an ******* I was, and in so doing, referred to me by her ex-husband's name.


Dude.



phoenixmountainman said:


> I'm left feeling completely set up by the course of events.


Figured that out all by yourself, did ya?



phoenixmountainman said:


> If I'm lucky, once a week, she will "let me" go down on her. Nearly every time, afterwards, she comments, "I don't know why I ever turn you down for this"
> ." Perhaps once every two weeks we'll have sex. And during all of the times in between, if I ask for a hug or a kiss, she'll respond by telling me that I'm just a needy little *****.


Dude.



phoenixmountainman said:


> I find myself just completely confused.


Dude.

What is confusing? Your wife treats you with contempt. Open, undisguised contempt. Where you are concerned, her only pleasure is in berating you.

And you, like a complete idiot, just agree to be her punching bag. Maybe if you let her beat on you and cuss you out in public, she'll let you give her cunnilingus.



phoenixmountainman said:


> I find myself thinking that there must have been some issues between her and her ex about it, and that's being put onto me.


Yeah. Her issue is that she's a raving b!tch. And you're pathetically trying to appease her so that she stops yelling at you and treats you courteously. But that's not the way people work. If you act like a doormat, your wife will walk all over you. If you demand respect, she will respect you.

You have two options. First, man up and stop letting her treat you like you're her prison-yard b!tch. Second, accept the prison-yard b!tch treatment and try to be happy about it. Look up "humiliation fetish" on Google and try to adopt the mindset. Maybe you can be happy.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> You have two options. First, man up and stop letting her treat you like you're her prison-yard b!tch. Second, accept the prison-yard b!tch treatment and try to be happy about it. Look up "humiliation fetish" on Google and try to adopt the mindset. Maybe you can be happy.


Rough. I do agree tough.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

You both need outside help - more than an internet forum will give you. Any possibility of councelling?

Seriously - I think you both would benefit form some help.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Counseling, counseling and more counseling

The issues in this marriage run deep grasshopper!


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

It sounds like she wants out of the relationship but wants you to suggest it


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I think you are way to accepting of her abuse.

First, don't put up with it. As soon as she starts raising her voice or starts name calling, the "discussion" should be over. The only thing you should be saying is "I won't discuss this when you speak to me like that" or "Unless you stop calling me names, this conversation is over."

Second, it's not "sex". It's a legitimate need, both physical and emotional" that you have and an intimate, fulfilling sexual relationship is needed in the marriage in order to make it work.

"All you think about is sex" comes out because your need isn't being met... so you probably ask/beg/hint every night and her perception, since you don't actually get it every night, is that you need it every night.

Third... a response like "I'm not your ex-husband so don't bring him up again"is perfectly fine.

Final question... do you see this as being connected to her alcohol use?


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## phoenixmountainman (Apr 5, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> I think you are way to accepting of her abuse.
> 
> First, don't put up with it. As soon as she starts raising her voice or starts name calling, the "discussion" should be over. The only thing you should be saying is "I won't discuss this when you speak to me like that" or "Unless you stop calling me names, this conversation is over."
> 
> ...


As to this being related to her alcohol consumption, I'm not entirely sure. Up to this point, over the past year, the only times she's even been remotely interested in any type of sex with me has been when she's had some alcohol. It definitely doesn't set a good tone in the marriage, and sends the message to me that she can only let down her guard and tolerate the thought of sex with me if she has alcohol to dull her senses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I hate the term sex as a weapon but I have to say I cannot explain what happened to you in any other way. Perhaps sex as a truncheon would be more exact.

Sounds like she had it all planned out. Baited you and then sprung the trap. To top it all off, you were berated for assuming she was a loving caring wife. I can see why you are confused, I am too. But my confusion is twofold. Why did she behave this way and why are you confused about how you are allowed to feel? 

It sounds like she is being very mean to you. Does she often play this game- dangle sex in your face and then pull it away like she is plaing with a dog. 

Refuse to play the game. If you want her respect then stop caring about sex with her. She will not have the bait you. Now that sex is off the table you can tackle the more serious issues. One is that she needs to respect you and never pull that sh!t again. 

The next time tell her you are leaving if she refuses to come leave with cab fare. When you start respecting yourself and stop letting her treat you like a lap dog she will naturally want to have sex. It is all up to you. 

Never give more than you get. You need drastic measures to turn this around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Oh I forgot. Sorry to ask but could she be cheating?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

holy cow cheating or not leave this bi*ch already. Don't really know how you could even be in the same room with someone so ulgy let alone the same city,state,country,universe.........


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

phoenixmountainman said:


> As to this being related to her alcohol consumption, I'm not entirely sure. Up to this point, over the past year, the only times she's even been remotely interested in any type of sex with me has been when she's had some alcohol. It definitely doesn't set a good tone in the marriage, and sends the message to me that she can only let down her guard and tolerate the thought of sex with me if she has alcohol to dull her senses.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was wondering about alcohol and abuse, not alcohol and sex.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

phoenixmountainman said:


> I'm finally at my wit's end, after a situation that arose last night while watching the Super Bowl with my wife. Granted, this isn't the first time this has happened, but I will use last night as an example, since it's fresh in my mind.
> 
> For starters, I love my wife dearly, and honestly believe she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
> 
> ...


It is time to man up. 

Here's a few suggestions:

Next time she comes up with some crap about "I know why you're really upset...it's because we're not having sex" say to her "what in the world makes you think I have ANY desire to have sex with you the way you are acting?" Then ignore her attempts to initiate it, which I'm sure, by the way she sounds, she will try once you reject her.

I've said it before, and say it again here...the moment you let a woman believe sex is more important to you than it is to her, you're doomed.

She "enjoys" sex? Well then, TAKE IT AWAY FROM HER until she starts treating you decently. It really is THAT SIMPLE.

Have some self respect and self control! Think of it as a diet. That piece of cake would really be good, but you don't eat it because it will adversely impact your end goal. Your end goal here should be a wife who respects you and wants to sleep with you. In order to get that, you're going to have to stop sleeping with her when she is acting in a way where she is not deserving of affection. Not just no, but hell no.

Do not EVER let her treat you like she's doing you a favor by "letting you" have sex with her, let alone, for good lord, while you're doing something to please her! She doesn't know why "she ever turns you down" for you going down on her? 

She is giving you MAJOR CLUES on what you need to do to fix this:

She is telling you that you "try to act like a nice guy but all you want is sex". A tip for you, listen closely because it's an important one....NICE GUYS SUCK!!! For EXACTLY the reasons she is saying! Women DO NOT LIKE "NICE GUYS" and they DO NOT TURN THEM ON. It's because most "nice guys" are shells of a man who are not truthful to their women about how they feel and what they want. And women can pick up on this like a magnet picks up a paper clip. These men put up with chit from women because they feel they can't do better, and have these women on a pedestal. They are having sex with a woman that treats them badly and that CANNOT BE sincere mutually bebeficial bonding...and they know it. These "nice guys" do not respect themselves because any self respecting man would not tolerate such behavior. And women KNOW this. And women do not respect men who do not respect themselves.

Even worse than that, in her mind it shows YOU CANNOT BE TRUSTED. If you're not "true to yourself" how the hell can she expect you to be true to her? 

She is throwing chit test after chit test at you, rapid fire, and you are FAILING each and every one of them miserably (the things she is saying and doing are CLASSIC CHIT TESTS). She now has you classified as a "nice guy" because you continue to fail at this, and it pisses her off. And THAT will do ZERO to influence her to be a good wife, be attracted to you, or sleep with you.

She has also told you you're being too "clingy". Another very, very BAD trait of a "nice guy".

She's GIVING YOU THE ANSWERS. She seems batchit crazy because she's challenging you time and again to find your backbone, dropping you hints, and you are ignoring her.

I'll bet this all started years ago the first time you came at her for sex, and she said she wasn't in the mood and to just "go ahead anyway", or she turned you down and you pleaded, negotiated, or pouted about it. Virtually guaranteed. It was the first ***** in your armor, and she's continued to chip away at it because you let her. The more she chips away at it, the more of the real you she sees, and she is not liking what she is seeing!

Next time you're out with her and she starts acting like a spoiled little brat and inventing issues to be upset with you about, toss her the keys to the car (I'm not for leaving most any woman "abandoned" anywhere), and WALK OUT. Grab a taxi and go to ANOTHER bar showing the game, and enjoy yourself. When you get home to a pissed off woman (and oh yeah, she's gonna be way pissed), you simply say you are not going to tolerate being treated in that way, and will continue to remove yourself from whereever she is if she is going to be unreasonable and act like a spoiled child. Then stay callm and do not react to the provocations she will be sure to throw your way. She has another hissy fit, WALK OUT of the house again and go for a walk. 

She'll fight you every step of the way...but this IS what she wants, desperately. A man she can be attracted to. Right now, YOU'RE not it. You'd better learn how to "be it" before she finds someone else who is, and you're posting on here about finding out your wife was having an affair.

And BTW, when she gets mad, incensed, and "fights" these changes (oh, she will), and tries to provoke you, it is time for you to keep calm and level headed. Another clue...you yell, hit walls or throw something, get frustrated, cry, or any of the above, and you INSTANTLY LOSE any ground you made up. She "wins" a prize she doesn't want, and you LOSE the one you want. 

See what I'm getting at? She doesn't respect you because YOU don't respect you. And deep down, in a way she likely does not even realize, it is pissing her the hell off!


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## mildlyperplexed (Feb 3, 2013)

donny64 said:


> She is telling you that you "try to act like a nice guy but all you want is sex". A tip for you, listen closely because it's an important one....NICE GUYS SUCK!!! For EXACTLY the reasons she is saying! Women DO NOT LIKE "NICE GUYS" and they DO NOT TURN THEM ON. It's because most "nice guys" are shells of a man who are not truthful to their women about how they feel and what they want.


:rofl:

'Women' are not some sort of hive mind and we do have different tastes in men. Just as some men have bad taste in partners, so do some women.

I like nice guys myself 

No comment on phoenixmountainmans wife, she sounds mental.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

mildlyperplexed said:


> :rofl:
> 
> 'Women' are not some sort of hive mind and we do have different tastes in men. Just as some men have bad taste in partners, so do some women.
> 
> ...


Of course everyone has different tastes. But the term "nice guy" often has a different meaning to different people. 

"Nice guy" in the context of this thread (and most here) is about how a guy acts or responds when being treated badly. 

You can be a "nice guy" and stand up for yourself. That, however is what I call a "good guy". Somewhere between a "bad boy" and the doormat "nice guy". 

It's not black and white, nor is it "one or the other". There is middle ground. And the perfect middle ground for me is to maintain the positive traits that some call "nice guy" behavior (great provider, father, considerate, understanding, patient, etc., etc) along with the confidence, desire, self respect and backbone to not accept or tolerate being treated poorly. Those who we often term as "nice guys" often lack the backbone, confidence, etc. And that is where things go haywire (as we see here time and again). 

You don't have to be a d1ck...you just have to not let anyone else be one to you! Most women who meet me would classify me as a "nice guy". I can be, but as my W says, she doesn't get away with any nonsense. (On the flip side, she's learned and she feels quite free to call me on mine as well).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

mildlyperplexed said:


> :rofl:
> No comment on phoenixmountainmans wife, she sounds mental.


:iagree::smthumbup::iagree:


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

She cut off sex because you can't remember the name of a player? =/


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

phoenixmountainman said:


> I'm finally at my wit's end, after a situation that arose last night while watching the Super Bowl with my wife. Granted, this isn't the first time this has happened, but I will use last night as an example, since it's fresh in my mind.
> 
> For starters, I love my wife dearly, and honestly believe she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
> 
> ...


First of all, I do feel badly for you.

You are so blinded by your wife's outer beauty that you cannot see her true self. 

She is verbally & emotionally abusive towards you. She may be narcssistic & madly in love with her beautiful self. I am sure you tell her over & over how beautiful she is. 

She's got all the power in this relationship & yes, I agree with you - she uses sex as one of the weapons in her arsenal.

Please read "Co-Dependent No More" for insight into the minds of these types of people & why you allow yourself to be her punching bag.

Also please stop "asking" for hugs & kisses. If my husband did that, it would seriously annoy me. If he wants to hug and/or kiss me, he just does.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

I can't imagine living like this. Sounds like a lot of counseling is needed.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

mildlyperplexed said:


> 'Women' are not some sort of hive mind and we do have different tastes in men. Just as some men have bad taste in partners, so do some women.


By 'nice guys', donny was referring to men who won't stand up for themselves against women. And I agree that some women are attracted to those men. But the percentage of women who are attracted to such submissive men is small.

Speaking in general terms, which is also what donny was doing, women prefer men who are more assertive and can stand up for themselves. That's not really arguable, is it?


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## Biscuits (Aug 2, 2012)

Peep this. I Have dealt with this before. 
While my wife and I were dating/engaged, this happened about 7 of the 10 times we went drinking (in about 6 months). Now, when she drank, no matter what stimuli I put into a conversation, I was wrong. My actions were wrong, my words were wrong. She would lock herself in our bedroom and I would hear her yelling at me through the door as to how much of a B***H, A** H***, small penis, piece of crap man, bad guy, blah blah blah it went on and on. By the 3rd time I would fall asleep on the couch and listen to my iPod. She would walk out of the bedroom and acuse me of not loving her because I wasn't fighting for our relationship, yeah go ahead and tell me how much of a jerk I am again. Anyway, long story short, DDay allowed me acces to her facebook, e-mail and text. Yeah, so everytime this would happen she was talking with her ex. She cheated on me with her ex on one of these tyraids when I "kicked her out", (according to her side of the mental and physical abuse she had to go through when she tells the story) but, in all reality she just got in a groove of berating me and talked herself into walking out the door, where she went to a hotel room where the OM was waiting with "porn and alcohol". Everyone pf these tyraids would last a few hours, followed by a day or two of indifference from me, anger from her that I wasnt begging for her. Then she would tell me this long dramatic story of how her friend, brother, co-worker had gone through some life altering tragedy and she had gotten mad at me because I didn't listen to her when she "tried to tell me" about it. 
Bottom line, she treated me like that so she felt justified in her PA with the OM. Now when she does this (its only happened once since DDay) i just tossed her her iPhone, which she uses for facebook, and told her to go have a good time, I put my coat on, grabbed the keys and started to walk out the door. "Where are you going?" she asks with concern in her voice. "To meet your boyfriend at the hotel, which one is he waiting for you at?" I says. "No, dont go...I need you, I lov blah blah blah."
Just my story, but her anger was a cover.
Now, the marriage happened before DDay, but I just wont entertain her anger if it happens again. It will happen again, just a matter of time, but I cant afford a divorce, im still trying to break even from the 150,000 my ex wife got from me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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