# my husband came out...and i'm okay with this?



## OrangeCrush (Sep 12, 2012)

I used to post here more often but life is busy...anyway lately i've been thinking of this forum and wondering what kind of advice/opinions people would give me.

Recently my H told me that he is gay. We're both mid-20's and both always had a low sex drive, so i always just thought he was LD. i suspected he might be bi or bi-curious because occasionally it would seem like he was looking at another guy with interest, or blushing and acting shy occasionally when talking to someone- like you do when you're flirting?

anyway, it never bothered me -and i never asked- because i thought well, if he is bi or not, it doesn't matter does it? Either way, he's with me and we're happy. 

We both grew up in very strict families that would absolutely never tolerate being gay or bi. we had a long talk last week, after he had been avoiding me for awhile and i felt like something wasn't right or that he was hiding something. he said he has always felt attracted to guys but always tried to 'make' himself to be straight because to not be disowned by his family. we both moved to the US two years ago and since he is an ocean away from them i think he has started to search his soul and find out who he really is and what he wants, away from their influence. he says this is true, that he feels safe for the first time. 

i feel like i should be angry or hurt, but i'm not. then i feel like something's wrong with me for not feeling anger or hurt. most girls/women would be upset! i think? but, i wasn't really shocked, because i kind of suspected a little bit, and all i feel really is that i want him to be happy and genuine. i don't want to keep him in a marriage with me if it is not true to who he is, you know? 

if he had said he was in love with another woman, totally different story! i would hate him and feel sick and would feel like my life is over. he assures me he has never cheated or done anything inappropriate with a guy and i believe him because he has never lied to me or has not given me any reasons to not trust him. 

my main concern is, we have always been best friends, since before we even first dated. i would be crushed to lose his friendship; that is truly the most important thing to me about our relationship. we have only been legally married for less than a year, and the legal part was mainly for citizenship reasons- before that, we dated and lived together and had lots of physical affection- cuddling, hugs/kisses, etc- but both of us had very little desire for sex. i always thought it was just because he had a low drive like mine. 

what i want to know is, am i a freak for not being upset about this? i'm only right now relieved that he told me the truth, and a little scared because i don't know what's going to happen and don't want to lose the friendship part of 'us'.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes most women would be upset. They would be upset because it means that their husband lied to them about something very important and used them to try to hide behind. It also means that they can never sexually stratify their husband.

It probably does not bother you because you have a low sex drive and thus are no so concerned about satisfying him sexually. Do you don’t need that. He’s a good friend and that’s what you really care about.

You say that you would be upset if he love another women. Would you be upset if he loved a man? As a gay man he’s going to most likely want to go out with men. Does this upset you?

You can get a divorce from him and still be friends. This works for some people. Sounds like it would work for the two of you. What happens to the immigration status if you divorce?


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

OrangeCrush said:


> Recently my H told me that he is gay. We're both mid-20's and both always had a low sex drive, so i always just thought he was LD. i suspected he might be bi or bi-curious because occasionally it would seem like he was looking at another guy with interest, or blushing and acting shy occasionally when talking to someone- like you do when you're flirting?
> 
> anyway, it never bothered me -and i never asked- because i thought well, if he is bi or not, it doesn't matter does it? Either way, he's with me and we're happy.
> 
> ...


I think you may have answered your own questions in your post. 

No, you're not a "freak" for not being upset about this. Like you said, you always had your suspicions, plus there was LD on BOTH of you, PLUS as you wrote, you REALLY got married for citizenship papers. You might truly 'love' each other, but more in a friendship way. 

I think you both need to figure out what your next move is going to be. That would require BOTH of you doing some real soul searching and figuring out what each of you wants from life. 

Vega


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

In your thread last year before you were married, you certainly had hints that he was gay, for example choosing his friend over you: 


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...37-having-second-thoughts-about-marriage.html

Getting upset or throwing a fit wouldn't help anything - it certainly won't change the past or his sexual orientation. However, you have every right to be hurt that he deceived you about his sexuality, which is an extremely important factor in marriage!


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## OrangeCrush (Sep 12, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Yes most women would be upset. They would be upset because it means that their husband lied to them about something very important and used them to try to hide behind.


but i don't feel that he lied to me on purpose. growing up with intolerant bigots as family, i know exactly how that destroys you and makes you deny who you are, because my parents were the same way. to hear the message over and over again that if you are gay then you're a pervert and going to hell and that God hates you, that your own parents will not love you- these things we both heard all the time growing up. no wonder it took him until age 25 to finally be kind-of okay with himself. some people spend their whole lives lying to themselves and everyone else, not being able to get over the feeling of shame and of being 'broken' or 'wrong'. 

anyway, i don't think he lied to me on purpose. i think he tried to lie to himself, and really tried to convince himself that he wasn't really interested in guys because the consequences if he was would be so painful. 



> Would you be upset if he loved a man? As a gay man he’s going to most likely want to go out with men. Does this upset you?


not at all. i honestly would feel happy for him. i can never become a guy, so i don't feel rejected by this. idk but it's just different, at least for me. the only thing i am really worried about already, is what if he meets a guy and he doesn't like me or trust me because of my history with him? :/ what if he has a jealous partner who doesn't believe that we are just friends and tries to make him cut contact with me?



> You can get a divorce from him and still be friends. This works for some people. Sounds like it would work for the two of you.


i hope it does work well. like i said, that is the most important thing of all this, his friendship. as for immigration, he plays in an orchestra, and i don't know for sure but i think it is likely the orchestra will sponsor him to stay in the US. i don't have a problem because I have dual citizenship.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

OrangeCrush said:


> I used to post here more often but life is busy...anyway lately i've been thinking of this forum and wondering what kind of advice/opinions people would give me.
> 
> Recently my H told me that he is gay. We're both mid-20's and both always had a low sex drive, so i always just thought he was LD. i suspected he might be bi or bi-curious because occasionally it would seem like he was looking at another guy with interest, or blushing and acting shy occasionally when talking to someone- like you do when you're flirting?
> 
> ...


Your ambivalence tells you that he is not the guy for you anyway.

Wht does him coming out really mean? Whi knows? You? Do others? If othrs then why? He plans on having sex and / or gay relationshipos while he is married to you.

I say, you move on. You can keep him as a friend, but life is too short for a heterosexual woman to be married to a gay man.

Let him be with the guy(s) he wants to be with. You find someone else. You may find you are not LD. Woohoooo!!!


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## OrangeCrush (Sep 12, 2012)

Theseus said:


> In your thread last year before you were married, you certainly had hints that he was gay, for example choosing his friend over you:
> 
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...37-having-second-thoughts-about-marriage.html


that is not him in that previous thread! sorry for the confusion. i met my H when we both still lived in France and we became best friends for years, and we moved here around the same time but still just as friends. i dated my ex-fiance shortly after i came here, we got engaged, then i broke up with him because of his controlling friend and his lack of caring. H and I started dating about a month after that.


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## OrangeCrush (Sep 12, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> You find someone else. You may find you are not LD. Woohoooo!!!


i am most definitely LD, maybe actually completely asexual. what others think is "foreplay" (kissing and cuddling and affectionate touching), for me that is all i want. that is the second thing that is depressing me right now (right behind worries about losing our friendship)...i thought i was the luckiest girl in the world, to have a romantic partner who only wanted to cuddle and didn't hound me for sex! :/ i don't think i will ever find a man who is straight and wants nothing more than affection.


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## OrangeCrush (Sep 12, 2012)

Vega said:


> You might truly 'love' each other, but more in a friendship way.


this, i think is exactly the way it is. we traveled halfway across the world together. he once rented a car and drove 6 hours in the middle of the night with no sleep to rescue me because i got on the wrong bus and ended up in another state one day (about a month after i got in the US). 

we both are classical musicians and would always joke about how we should just be a couple because the people we were dating would always flake out and we would always be there to support and bring each other extravagant flowers backstage.  for me he will do things that he hates to do, like ice-skating or going to church at midnight for Christmas, just to make me happy- and for him i will do the same, things that he likes when are not fun for me.  we would do anything for each other, we trust each other with our secrets (and yes, i am the first person he has told about being gay, no one else knows yet), and i know he loves me and i love him- but it's not in a sexual way!


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Only you can decide if it is ok for you to feel the way you do. Do you plan to divorce? What does he want now that he has revealed that he is gay?


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

It sounds like you accept him for who and how he is. I'd suggest IC with a GLBT-friendly therapist as you move through this process just so you have a place for your own feelings. Your empathy for him is large, and while that's great, he's probably still processing coming out and what that means for himself in the scheme of things.

Open marriage is an option. How his future BFs react isn't your business. Just hope he's honest with them; I bet he will be.

I'd speak with an immigration attorney to find out what happens legally if you all nullify the marriage (that seems like a better option than divorcing.)

Also, there are meetups for asexual folks in many larger cities, and IIRC, Nerve's got a section on their dating site for asexuals, but I'm not sure. You're not the only one out there.

Nothing has to be decided tomorrow. That's the good news.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

OrangeCrush said:


> i am most definitely LD, maybe actually completely asexual. what others think is "foreplay" (kissing and cuddling and affectionate touching), for me that is all i want. that is the second thing that is depressing me right now (right behind worries about losing our friendship)...i thought i was the luckiest girl in the world, to have a romantic partner who only wanted to cuddle and didn't hound me for sex! :/ i don't think i will ever find a man who is straight and wants nothing more than affection.


You do not have to lose your friendship.

And there is nothing wrong with cuddling kissing and all that foreplay. For me that is a big part of sex. In many ways the most important. Indeed the further hot sex is simply the continuation but for me intimacy os what is important. So I suppose this can be classified as LD but .... it matters not really.

If you love him you will let him go as a lover. You can remain friends. Not saying this is a slam dunk but life is too short.

I would never suggest an open marriage to anyone. You deserve better than that. So does he. You run many health risks as well.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

If they aren't having sex, what are the open marriage health risks to her? And why should she force a gay man to have a closed marriage until they separate? She's all but admitted that both their motives weren't solidly romantic.


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## Almost There (Oct 23, 2013)

If it's not bothering you, what're you so worried about? 

Really though, I think it's great that you can handle it like you have and not get upset over it. It's very mature.

I do think you should have a serious discussion, though; will you be divorcing? If not, will he be going outside the marriage, dating, etc.? If so, that means you should too! And if this does mean divorce, talk about your relationship and make sure he knows you still want to be friends, and that's your main concern.

As for the LD/asexual part... I can't give great advice about that, except maybe to find dating sites/communities with other LD or asexual people. Maybe there you can find a man who won't pressure you for sex, as he won't want it either. Do some research and see what you can find!

I'm not going to tell you that the only reason you feel LD is the lack of connection with your husband - because I don't know if that's true or not. If you haven't tested the waters more, though, I highly recommend it! Most men (as in, everyone but my partner) do absolutely NOTHING for me. Nothing. But my boyfriend... if we aren't intimately regularly, it's the worst feeling ever. But I never felt like this UNTIL him. So don't discount the possibility entirely, until you find someone you really fall head over heels for. However, if you have fallen for someone, and you really just don't WANT any more intimacy/release than that... then I would go with the finding an asexual dating site/community and see if that works. 

Good luck!


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## Wild Mustang (Oct 26, 2013)

When you love someone, it doesn't matter. You understand his situation and want him to be happy. I doubt your relationship will be strained.

My brother came out way back in the early '80s and it truly didn't matter. My first reaction was sadness because of the way the world would treat him. But the truth is so much better for both of you and such a relief. 

Enjoy your special relationship which you will have with no one else.


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## OrangeCrush (Sep 12, 2012)

thanks you guys, for the understanding and helpful advice.  
we're not going to have an open marriage; neither of us want that. he is not in a hurry to start dating anyone right away, he is still nervous and unsure about everything and still somewhat afraid to be open about it, not knowing who to trust, etc. also we do both want to make sure that he will be able to stay in the US, so he's going to talk to his boss and see what he needs to do to get the proper work visa. 

a divorce is the best thing to do, but we're going to wait until the new year to take action, so we each have a bit of time to process and get adjusted, and some time to just relax and enjoy the holidays without all that stress. even though we probably have it better than most when it comes to divorce (we both want it, we're not angry at each other, no kids or house to divide up, etc.), all the paperwork is going to be a pain in the ass, and we're both booked for loads of music gigs for Nov & Dec, so we'll deal with it after the holidays. 

thanks again for being so kind, each of you.


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## OrangeCrush (Sep 12, 2012)

also i think that on some level, we picked each other as partners because we felt 'safe', knowing we could just have a good friend to be there with all the time, but wouldn't have to face any pressure to perform sexually. 

it's like the relationship i have with my brother and cousins really, more like family than a married couple. tonight we're supposed to be cleaning so the landlord can show our apartment to other people, but we're really dancing to techno music and drinking hot chocolate.  i think most married couples, this scene would be like the Viagra commercials where a couple starts doing something ordinary like gardening or washing dishes and then they just randomly throw down their things and start having sex on the table, lol. 

i did tell him what my concern was, that i didn't want to lose or change our friendship, and he agrees. he said that is the main reason he waited so long to tell me and didn't know how to say it, because he was really afraid that I would be angry or hate him. he also says jealousy is a bad sign so it would be a red sign if a partner had a problem with him being friends with me and did not want to understand. i said also remind them that i don't have a penis so i can't compete.


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## swade87 (Oct 23, 2013)

Sounds like you have a big heart, and perhaps you guys spent the time you did together for a reason. Best of luck!!


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## marshmallow (Oct 15, 2013)

I dont think you should feel any particular way. and I certainly dont think youre a freak!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

OrangeCrush said:


> but i don't feel that he lied to me on purpose. growing up with intolerant bigots as family, i know exactly how that destroys you and makes you deny who you are, because my parents were the same way. to hear the message over and over again that if you are gay then you're a pervert and going to hell and that God hates you, that your own parents will not love you- these things we both heard all the time growing up. no wonder it took him until age 25 to finally be kind-of okay with himself. some people spend their whole lives lying to themselves and everyone else, not being able to get over the feeling of shame and of being 'broken' or 'wrong'.
> anyway, i don't think he lied to me on purpose. i think he tried to lie to himself, and really tried to convince himself that he wasn't really interested in guys because the consequences if he was would be so painful.


Statistically, most marriages fail when, at the time of the marriage, the woman is 25 or under or the man is 30 or under. Why? Because people are too immature before those ages. The human brain does not even finish maturing until about age 26. I think that this is what you have going on here. As he’s maturing he is learning who he really is.

It’s a good thing that he has admitted to himself, and now you, who he is. Now the two of you can make choices in your lives based on reality.



Elegirl said:


> Would you be upset if he loved a man? As a gay man he’s going to most likely want to go out with men. Does this upset you?





OrangeCrush said:


> not at all. i honestly would feel happy for him. i can never become a guy, so i don't feel rejected by this. idk but it's just different, at least for me. the only thing i am really worried about already, is what if he meets a guy and he doesn't like me or trust me because of my history with him? :/ what if he has a jealous partner who doesn't believe that we are just friends and tries to make him cut contact with me?


Once he starts having a sexual life outside your marriage, it will be the same whether his affair partners are women or men. He will have feeling and loyalties to someone other than you. He will spend time and your joint income on someone other than you. This is infidelity no matter the gender of the person he’s with. 

Because of your answer, I don’t think that realize the full impact him having sexual relationships with others will cause in your marriage. If he just has casual sex with a long string of men. Then he is putting you at a huge risk of getting STDs if he continues to have sex with you once in a while. There will most likely come a time when he becomes strongly emotionally attached (in love) with a man. That is what sex does; it bond people to each other. The bond he has for this other person will be stronger than his bond with you since you two are barely sexual.

I agree that you seem very ambivalent about this whole thing. And I agree that this means he’s not really the love of our life. He’s comfortable. There is no passion. You are both young. It will be easy for both of you to move on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

OrangeCrush said:


> i am most definitely LD, maybe actually completely asexual. what others think is "foreplay" (kissing and cuddling and affectionate touching), for me that is all i want. that is the second thing that is depressing me right now (right behind worries about losing our friendship)...i thought i was the luckiest girl in the world, to have a romantic partner who only wanted to cuddle and didn't hound me for sex! :/ i don't think i will ever find a man who is straight and wants nothing more than affection.


There are a good number of asexual, heterosexual, men. There are even dating websites for asexual people to meet. 

Find a man whose desires match yours. They are out there.

http://www.asexualitic.com/


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TikiKeen said:


> If they aren't having sex, what are the open marriage health risks to her? And why should she force a gay man to have a closed marriage until they separate? She's all but admitted that both their motives weren't solidly romantic.


I got the impression that they do have sex once in a while. Perhaps the OP can clarify on this.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

OrangeCrush said:


> he assures me he has never cheated or done anything inappropriate with a guy and i believe him because he has never lied to me or has not given me any reasons to not trust him.


That's a good one. Never given you a reason not to trust him. :rofl:

Oh wait, you were serious? :scratchhead:



OrangeCrush said:


> we have only been legally married for less than a year, and the legal part was mainly for citizenship reasons


NOW we cut to the chase. Two BIG problems here.

1 - We are now up to two ulterior motives for him to lie to you. You were his beard AND his shortcut to citizenship. But he's NEVER given you reason not to trust him...

2 - He came to this realization some time AFTER you married? All within the past year? That is a load of BS. Mid 20's. He may not have wanted to admit it, but he knew. But married you anyway without telling you. No reason not to....

Now for the really bad part. It is REALLY easy for men to find casual gay sex. And his partner doesn't need to be wined and dined and cuddled before the deed. It can all be done in the time it takes to pick up a loaf of bread on the way home from work.

Everyone wants to get on the "look how tolerant I am" bandwagon, yet if he cheats with a woman the pitchforks come out. This marriage started with a lie. And will continue all while not telling you about his gay hookups.

Yeah, he's low drive all right. When his option has a vagina. A low drive male is rare. I would have thought impossible, but I've been on these boards enough to know it CAN happen. Is it the case with your "husband"? Maybe. But I doubt it when there is such a glaring reason for his lack of interest in you.

Call immigration tomorrow and get the lying, cheating skunk out of your life for good.

SOMEONE needed to say it.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Because of intolerance, I think many gay people try to live a hetero life because they are in denial or think they can change or want to avoid persecution. The hubby and I have actually discussed What If's. I said if he was gay I would not be as upset as with another woman. This is because I know it has absolutely nothing to do with me. Obviously I'd be sad but no sense of betrayal.

He says if I was gay he'd want the OW to move in and we'd make it work out somehow.:slap: Men!


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Wow it seems I am now no longer the only "weirdo" when it comes to this subject. 
My H is straight and lots of sex here, but we were once joking about what I would do if he was gay or if I would be jealous. I said I cannot be jealous of a guy; I would be puzzled, shocked, maybe I would find it weird, maybe I would even laugh at him in my mind, I don't know. But I would not feel threatened or jealous. I feel that a man can't occupy the place I have, or can compare to me physically or sexwise. Now as you said, if there was a woman, the ferocious jealous tigress in me would take her claws out !!
He laughed at my comments, but I meant them. If he was bi or something, he could have sex with another guy right near me and I could watch TV for all I care. Weird I know..lol. But with another woman, I'd kick his arse to the curb, most likely. 

Don't feel bad for not feeling like most of the women, Orange. If you want to stay married to him, you can do so. Can you accept him as bi-sexual? Can you handle the thoughts of him sleeping with guys and not bother you? Does he love you and wants to stay married to you?

Friends you can remain either way, married or not. I admire you for not resenting him for who he is. It surely took a lot for him to come out in front of you.


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