# Married Guy, Wife Drops A Bombshell



## gtdave (Oct 16, 2014)

Hi guys & girls,

I really need some perspective on a recent bombshell my wife told me a few days ago. Here is some background info, been married for 2 years and we dated for a year before we got married. It was fast but I felt like I knew her well enough and the relationship was going well. She was the one to ask me out and she also asked me to marry her!

Ok so my wife has had 2 serious relationships in her life. One that lasted for 4 years and our relationship now. The first relationship ended about 1.5 years before we started dating. A few times in the first 6 months of our relationship she told me that she was still dealing with some issues regarding her ex BOYFRIEND (the capital letters will make sense later). These issues related to trust because HE cheated on her a couple of times and she found out and broke up with HIM. After a 2 month break up they got back for a month but then my wife broke it off with HIM for good. Ps they lived together for 3 years.

She told me all about HIM and what HE used to to and how she caught HIM cheating. How HE used to drink so much beer and be very insecure. 

So naturally this painted a picture in my mind of this beta DUDE and I was feeling proud of myself for sowing her that not all guys are like that. She wouldnt talk about HIM much but I knew enough to gain some insight into what shaped her today. Its good to know if your married what kind of past your partner has as it will shape who they are now.

The Bombshell!!! So after two years of marriage she suddenly told me that her EX BOYFRIEND was not a guy at all. It was a GIRL. She was in a Lesbian relationship for 4 years and she has only been in 2 serious relationships. One with a GIRL and one with me her HUSBAND.

This completely knocked me back!!! I couldnt believe she never told me and even lied about it to my face for 3 years now. Painting a picture of this DUDE in my mind. Im feeling so many mixed emotions right now. 

Ive no problem about the lesbian thing but I have a massive problem with her not being open. Its also a huge thing that I am her first straight relationship. I had no idea about this and it would have made me much more cautious when marrying her because I would want to make sure she knew what she wanted. I feel so disappointed that she felt that she couldnt tell me before now.

Whats bad is that I am the last person to find out and I even talked to some of her friends and family about how this EX BOYFRIEND treated her bad. They never told me it was a GIRL so I now feel a bit humiliated and im sure they had a laugh about what I said after.

Whats also getting under my skin is that I always thought it was strange how my wife was friends with so many lesbians. Lesbians love her and are so flirty with her because they know her past from mutual friends im guessing. I always laughed it off and thought it was cool that girls and guys thought my wife was hot but now im insecure about it because she wasnt honest.

For example she gets flirty lesbian texts all the time from certain friends and I thought it was just fun and teasing but now I see that it could be genuine flirting.

Also sometimes we go on nights out separate because I want some beers with the guys and she wants to socialize with her friends. She would go to lesbian bars with her friends which for me was super cool as she wouldnt be hit on by sleazy drunk dudes all night and she could go and enjoy herself. Now I see it differently for obvious reasons and I wonder if they try to tempt her to try a lesbian relationship again. 

Im so disappointed right now as I was beginning to feel very secure in my relationship because I felt like I understood my wife completely. I felt very close to her.

Now I just feel confused and like I dont even know the person im married to. If she can lie to my face about this for 3 years then what else has she not told me or lied about?



What makes it worse is that she refuses to admit that she lied. She says all the stories were true but she just changed the gender. I told her that in court she would be lying end of story and she couldnt argue against that.



I really need some input and perspective on this because right now I dont know what to think.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

How can you ever trust her again?

So with that said do you want to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder? That kind of behavior deserves consequences.

The question is what consequences is she willing to except....No more girls night out, losing her toxic friends, going to counseling?

Maybe divorce...maybe before the divorce is final you can withdraw it only if she is willing to do the heavy lifting to rebuild the trust.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Filling for divorce is one way to show others you will not be disrespected and humiliated.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Shouldn't you ask her how she decided to go straight?

It would be more interesting to know what makes her tick. Ask her if desire for women is still strong. Is she afraid the desire will reassert itself?

Her dishonesty is not remarkable, given that you might have judged her differently.

Is otherwise a person of integrity?

Do you feel that she has disrespected your masculinity?

Does she let go in sex?


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## gtdave (Oct 16, 2014)

the guy said:


> How can you ever trust her again?
> 
> So with that said do you want to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder? That kind of behavior deserves consequences.
> 
> ...


Exactly, its just im so confused and shocked I dont know what to do. When my wife is in the wrong she immediately gets defensive. She started trying to turn things around and say that I had a problem with the Lesbian past but I had to tell her that she was wrong. I have no problem with that. My problem is with trust now. 

The fact that she held it from me for so long shows me that she didnt respect me enough to tell me and that this previous relationship is still a pretty big deal for her.

I told her that if she told me even on just our second date I would have been completely cool about it because Im not judgmental and it would have shown me that this issue was not a big deal. 

I even asked her straight out a few times if she had ever tried a relationship with a girl and she flat denied. This was about 4 times.

I told her that if she really didnt want to talk she should have just told me that she wasnt ready to discuss her past relationship in detail yet. Instead of lying about it.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

I don't understand WHY she kept it a big secret?

was she thinking you were a bigot and wouldn't accept it? (you certain don't sound that way)

was she ashamed of being bisexual? (again, why?)

I always wonder why liars tell their lies! is it to avoid trouble (how?), or just to protect themselves? (from what?)


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Wow this is bad. 

MEGA lies over a 3 yr period AND she isn't even remorseful.

Plus she's still hanging out with lesbian friends at lesbian bars. 

Not sure what you can salvage here.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Take your time and get away for a day.
You have time to make a choice, nothing is going to happen were you immediately need to make such a life changing choice in your marriage.

Just don't get her pregnant!

Until you wife regognizes the betrayal she is no were near ready to repair this.

See that's the thing....you guys can't fix this until she owns what she did.

It will take both of you to rebuild this...you can't do this on your own. You can heal your self but not the marriage...it will take both of you to rebuild this marriage and in order to do that she has to except the fact that this was a huge betrayal on her part and it was wrong.

The way I see it she is has little remorse...again a big sign of the little respect she has for you and the marriage.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

What were the circumstances surrounding her telling you and what was her disposition then and now?


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## gtdave (Oct 16, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Shouldn't you ask her how she decided to go straight?
> 
> It would be more interesting to know what makes her tick. Ask her if desire for women is still strong. Is she afraid the desire will reassert itself?
> 
> ...



She told me that she never really was a lesbian but she just happened to fall in love with a woman. She said she was not and is still not attracted to women. 

This relationship was sexual so I dont accept that answer. Or maybe I just dont understand fully. What I do understand is that there must be attraction for a sexual relationship to last 4 years.

She says her attraction for women does not exist now but my problem is now can I believe her?

Regarding me judging her I can understand that fear but then why would she marry a judgmental person. It would be better to tell me early and find out. It also disrespected me because Im not judgmental at all but she obviously didnt think this.


It didnt insult my masculinity but it did insult my trust and character. She should have been more mature and let me make up my own mind.




I do have questions about the dynamic of their relationship. It is normally easy to see that there are roles in gay relationships similar to straight ones. My wife is quite dominant and I wonder if she was the leader in that relationship. Its stupid I know but that part is hurtful to the masculinity. 


Apart from a few childish white lies she had seemed up until this point to be trustful. Its why I was feeling so close to her.



I got cheated on in my previous two relationships so this is one trust issue I really hoped I wouldnt have to deal with. I thought I had found a rare honest person.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

lenzi said:


> Wow this is bad.
> 
> MEGA lies over a 3 yr period AND she isn't even remorseful.
> 
> ...


That whole bar seen makes me believe there is more going on. OP wife looks like an accomplished lair.

She seem well versed in gaslighting to cover her other life.


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## gtdave (Oct 16, 2014)

Decorum said:


> What were the circumstances surrounding her telling you and what was her disposition then and now?



She told me in a joking way at first it wasnt until I started to ask are you being serious and she didnt deny that the truth came out.

She said sorry for telling me in a disrespectful way but she refuses to admit she lied.

This refusing to admit she is wrong is not just with me its with her family too. Its something she has had since childhood im guessing. 



At the moment I am just feeling a bit distant and confused and when she gets home from work she is constantly trying to seek validation by asking if I still love her and do I want to cuddle. If I say I need time then a massive argument will start. I know she senses that I am distant and not sure how to react. I think for now she thinks I am fine with it but in reality its killing me.

I honestly dont know what to do. Im trying to book a coffee with her sister to try and get some background info on the whole thing and to see if theres anything else I need to know about.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

ReidWright said:


> I don't understand WHY she kept it a big secret?
> 
> (from what?)


Would you want your wife receiving flirty text form lesbian friends and go out to lesbian bars if her last relationship was with a lesbian?

I think it covers her second life by not tell OP.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

gtdave said:


> I honestly dont know what to do. Im trying to book a coffee with her sister to try and get some background info on the whole thing and to see if theres anything else I need to know about.


Wasn't her sister one of the people who kept the truth from you? One of the people you think may have been laughing at you behind your back?

These people are not your friends. Especially her relatives. They're already demonstrated their loyalties. 

Besides what else are you going to find out that you don't already know?

She's a lying lesbian/bisexual with no remorse for the deception- that continues to this day.


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## gtdave (Oct 16, 2014)

the guy said:


> That whole bar seen makes me believe there is more going on. OP wife looks like an accomplished lair.
> 
> She seem well versed in gaslighting to cover her other life.


I hope not!!! The good news is that she only goes out once every 4 months or so.


However a statement that is running through my mind is one she made a few days before the big revelation. She told me that the last time she went out a really hot girl approached he and out of respect for our marriage she immediately told her that she was married. At that time I had no idea she had been in a lesbian relationship. This statement came from a question she asked me. She wanted to know if many girls flirt with me when she is not around because she noticed girls looking at me over lunch.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

No...no no no....

It's not going to work. 

If she lies this easily think about the other things she may be lying about. For all you know she might have the rep as the champion muff diver of your state.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

gtdave said:


> She told me that the last time she went out a really hot girl approached he and out of respect for our marriage she immediately told her that she was married.


Sounds like she messed up right there and spilled the beans because her reaction to the girl who came on to her was not typical of a woman who is straight. 

That's the only reason she came clean.


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## gtdave (Oct 16, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Wasn't her sister one of the people who kept the truth from you? One of the people you think may have been laughing at you behind your back?
> 
> These people are not your friends. Especially her relatives. They're already demonstrated their loyalties.
> 
> ...



Thats true. The problem is I can talk to no one about this. Its why im on here. I cant ask her friends or family because they all knew and never said anything to me.


So many things make more sense now like her mum and dad being sooooo happy that I married her because now they will get kids in the future! Looking back I feel like a dumbass for not seeing the signs clearly.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Until she can sit down and not turn it into an arguement what is there to talk about?
It seems to me that she's way to defensive for this to be more then she is telling you.

Have you asked her why she can't calmly talk about this and except your replies and not put her own spine on things.

At the end of the day she has a lot to face before she can repair this.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

gtdave said:


> Thats true. The problem is I can talk to no one about this. Its why im on here. I cant ask her friends or family because they all knew and never said anything to me.


Then forget about coffee with her sister. 

This is bad on so many levels. It's not just her that's deceitful, it's her entire family and all of her friends. 

How can you ever get past that?

If nothing else, stop beating yourself up. You were in no position to see the signs. I'm sure they were very well concealed. Unless you came across a two headed dildo in her toy chest or something like that, you are entirely blameless here.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Divorce/ annulment.

The end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gtdave (Oct 16, 2014)

the guy said:


> Until she can sit down and not turn it into an arguement what is there to talk about?
> It seems to me that she's way to defensive for this to be more then she is telling you.
> 
> Have you asked her why she can't calmly talk about this and except your replies and not put her own spine on things.
> ...



Ahh she gets defensive about everything. A few weeks ago she crashed the car into the back of the car in front. I was in the car beside her. It was totally her fault but to this day she says its the other guys fault. 


Her way of apologising is to buy presents and be all sweet. Took me a while to realize this.


This weekend I will try to talk to her in a calm way


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The women you loved and trusted lied to you...if any one is a dumbass it is her for being so decietful to the man she took vows with.

She is the dumbass for risking losing her husband by betraying you.

You are no dumbass!!!! This is all on her, you have nothing to do with her bullcrap


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Divorce/ annulment.
> 
> The end.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I believe you can get an annulment because of marital fraud.

She going to lesbian bars and acting like that was a "safe haven" for your concerns if she was out for a girls night out.

Sheesh! She was trolling for fun, IMHO.

That she could lie to you about her prior relationship and carry on like she does says to me that you ought to consider ending the marriage.

She is a deceptive person.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

gtdave said:


> This weekend I will try to talk to her in a calm way


What do you hope to accomplish by talking to her in a calm way?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

gtdave said:


> This weekend I will try to talk to her in a calm way


Until then, stick to the 180 and distance your self. The next few days she has to see that things are different.

For this new talk coming this weekend she has to change her mind set. If she doesn't see that she is about to lose you these next few days then this up and coming talk won't mean sh1t.

Do you know about the 180?
Its a punch of thing you need to do to emotionally distance your self from her. It protects you from the emotional hell she is putting you through.


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## gtdave (Oct 16, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Then forget about coffee with her sister.
> 
> This is bad on so many levels. It's not just her that's deceitful, it's her entire family and all of her friends.
> 
> ...


Exactly, I dont know how to move past this! I dont know what action to take. I feel like I want some distance from her right now. But I also really want her to just honestly apologise and explain truthfully everything. Though im not sure if I am ready to believe it.


I feel like a dumbass because I have no big secrets. I hid nothing from her because I though it was only fair before we got married. I wanted to enter the marriage with total honesty. Even though I had no really big secrets to share. Just a bit of depression when I was younger.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I think I saw this whole scenario on season 1 of The L Word. Didn't work out too well for the husband.


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## gtdave (Oct 16, 2014)

lenzi said:


> What do you hope to accomplish by talking to her in a calm way?


Clarity about why she did what she did?

For her to actually understand how she damaged the foundations of the relationship.

For her to show remorse.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

gtdave said:


> Clarity about why she did what she did?
> 
> For her to actually understand how she damaged the foundations of the relationship.
> 
> *For her to show remorse*.


Don't expect remorse from someone that's incapable of apologizing.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

you can either 
1) divorce her
or
2) invite her hottest bisexual girlfriend over for a little attitude re-adjustment time.

Your choice.


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## gtdave (Oct 16, 2014)

the guy said:


> Until then, stick to the 180 and distance your self. The next few days she has to see that things are different.
> 
> For this new talk coming this weekend she has to change her mind set. If she doesn't see that she is about to lose you these next few days then this up and coming talk won't mean sh1t.
> 
> ...



Never heard of it apart from physically turning 180 degrees and running as fast as I can lol!


I have a business trip in a few weeks to another country! Wish it was this weekend!


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

murphy5 said:


> you can either
> 1) divorce her
> or
> 2) invite her hottest bisexual girlfriend over for a little attitude re-adjustment time.
> ...


Or do both, but do 2 first. And maybe do 2 a few times. Maybe do 2 a lot of times.

Then maybe, depending on how it goes, forget about 1.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

GOOD POINT! Do 2) first.

thats a little like the RooRoo joke....


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## gtdave (Oct 16, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Or do both, but do 2 first. And maybe do 2 a few times. Maybe do 2 a lot of times.
> 
> Then maybe, depending on how it goes, forget about 1.




Id be too worried about her paying too much attention to the other girl lol


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

gtdave said:


> Id be too worried about her paying too much attention to the other girl lol


Nowhere in Murphy's statement did it mention that your wife had to be invited.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The 180 has a lot of steps...a few that come to mind are;
stop saying "I love you"
no hugs or kissing
keep discussion to a minimum and only about business
no discussion of the relationship
stop doing things for her
no begging or crying for the relationship

In general distance your self and show her you can just let her go. Then maybe she will approach this talk this weekend as a game changer and not just another arguement.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

In all seriousness this is a major breach of trust, as this was a 4 year relationship, and was her supposed entire romantic history.

It's monumental to hide something this meaningful and important from your spouse. She clearly is still dabbling in that lifestyle given her friends, hangouts, etc. Maybe she's dropped the sex part with women, but she's living part of her life as a lesbian soul, and has hid this from you for your entire relationship.

Absolutely divorce-able offense.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Anyone watching that show How to Get Away With Murder? It's a good show - new.

This issue came up - one of the character's fiance was "gay for awhile" at boarding school, and never told the girl. It only came out because the girl's male coworker was apparently one of his sexual partners.

She battles this revelation hard, but so far, has decided to forgive him for not telling her. My wife and I both said we would dump him if in her shoes - that's just way too big a lie. And they were only engaged, not married like you are.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Too late for an annulment? Her actions show that she's got really bad boundaries and you're one "mistake" away from her cheating on you.

She's a liar and she's surrounded by people who are validating her constantly from both guys and girls. Not going to end well sorry...be thankful you figured it out before you had kids.

As for your comment about her ex BOYFRIEND being "Beta" and you showing her not all guys are like that. I find that comment funny because that is the most White Knight thing you could say...YOU'RE the beta in this relationship.


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## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

That is a bombshell and you are still reeling. 

1.	I would not trust her anymore. She has lied to you about her past life for the whole period of your relationship. She will continue lying in the future about anything. Ask yourself, can you trust her again, even her apologize?

2.	She is still accepting flirtations from lesbians. She is still going to the lesbian bars and hanging out with lesbian friends. She is still a LESBIAN, or maybe Bi. She said she has never been a real lesbian but she was in a relationship with one. She is still LYING. She is still in the Lesbian circle. 

3.	Her lies and her denying attitude have showed how little respect she has for you and for your marriage. I seriously doubt her motivation of marrying you. 

4.	If I was you, I would file for divorce and feel gad that I could get out without any kids involved. What do you expect to achieve by talking with her calmly? What is in your marriage to salvage? Even she talks with you calmly and apologizes, and then can you trust her again? Then do you believe she has changed from lesbian to straight? Or you plan to change her from lesbian to straight? Do you still seriously believe she married you because she truly loves you?

5.	If you let her trick you remaining in the marriage and having kids with her later, it is highly likely she will leave you later back to the lesbian life and you end up paying child support. 

6.	And what’s wrong about a straight people doesn’t want to marry a previous lesbian? Why you feel if you did not want to marry her for that reason would make you a judgmental person? I have no problem with gay people or previous gay people, but it doesn’t mean I want to marry one of them. Don’t let her trick you to feel guilty or something. 

7.	No offense. But I have a feeling that you have low self-esteem. It seems in your relationship, from beginning until now, your wife has been the leader and she leads all the way. She wants this relationship to happen, she wants to have a marriage, and she wants to have a dual life… She gets all she wants so far. You are just like a stage property in her show. 

You need to get control of your own life and do the right thing for yourself. Please protect your own interest because your wife is not going to do that at all.


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## gtdave (Oct 16, 2014)

COguy said:


> Too late for an annulment? Her actions show that she's got really bad boundaries and you're one "mistake" away from her cheating on you.
> 
> She's a liar and she's surrounded by people who are validating her constantly from both guys and girls. Not going to end well sorry...be thankful you figured it out before you had kids.
> 
> As for your comment about her ex BOYFRIEND being "Beta" and you showing her not all guys are like that. I find that comment funny because that is the most White Knight thing you could say...YOU'RE the beta in this relationship.


I dont think being a knight in shining armor is nessessarily beta but in this case I agree. Because of the lie I feel like a knight in **** covered armor...


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## gtdave (Oct 16, 2014)

Gabriel said:


> In all seriousness this is a major breach of trust, as this was a 4 year relationship, and was her supposed entire romantic history.
> 
> It's monumental to hide something this meaningful and important from your spouse. She clearly is still dabbling in that lifestyle given her friends, hangouts, etc. Maybe she's dropped the sex part with women, but she's living part of her life as a lesbian soul, and has hid this from you for your entire relationship.
> 
> Absolutely divorce-able offense.



I agree!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

As far as the family, I'm thinking they will say they believed you knew this already. No reason to bring it up then. This will relieve them of an guilt.

As far as hiding the lesbian relationship...it is a lie of magnitude. However, did you really dig into her past before making the decision to marry? If so, was this portion of her life knowingly omitted for the purpose to deceive you? If you did not really dig into her past then I see no reason for her to bring it up. Also, it appears this past has been weighing on her for sometime. This hiding it from you. Now was just the time to spill it? She then appears to have a conscience. Other than this...what type of W has she been? It's not like she had a dead body in the trunk. This was something in her past that for some reason, good or bad, she did not tell you about. But it looks to have been weighing on her for sometime.


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## gtdave (Oct 16, 2014)

Coco2014 said:


> That is a bombshell and you are still reeling.
> 
> 1.	I would not trust her anymore. She has lied to you about her past life for the whole period of your relationship. She will continue lying in the future about anything. Ask yourself, can you trust her again, even her apologize?
> 
> ...


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

gtdave said:


> ... been married for 2 years and we dated for a year before we got married. It was fast but I felt like I knew her well enough and the relationship was going well. She was the one to ask me out and she also asked me to marry her!
> 
> ....So after two years of marriage she suddenly told me that her EX BOYFRIEND was not a guy at all. It was a GIRL. She was in a Lesbian relationship for 4 years and she has only been in 2 serious relationships. One with a GIRL and one with me her HUSBAND.....


You don't even know this person.

Honestly, she's not who you thought she was.

I find it strange that you never stumbled across any pictures of her with her ex....it doesn't make any sense that all evidence of the former lover was erased. That should have tipped you off, though you sound naïve.

You may have married a lesbian who wants kids before she leaves you and goes back to the lesbian lifestyle. I know a few guys this has happened to. One of my bosses and my best childhood friend, both of them never saw it coming, and both of them now juggle the kids with their ex's who returned to their secret lesbian lives. They were both dumbfounded.

If you don't have kids, get a divorce. She can't be trusted, and you don't really know this person you married.


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## gtdave (Oct 16, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> As far as the family, I'm thinking they will say they believed you knew this already. No reason to bring it up then. This will relieve them of an guilt.
> 
> As far as hiding the lesbian relationship...it is a lie of magnitude. However, did you really dig into her past before making the decision to marry? If so, was this portion of her life knowingly omitted for the purpose to deceive you? If you did not really dig into her past then I see no reason for her to bring it up. Also, it appears this past has been weighing on her for sometime. This hiding it from you. Now was just the time to spill it? She then appears to have a conscience. Other than this...what type of W has she been? It's not like she had a dead body in the trunk. This was something in her past that for some reason, good or bad, she did not tell you about. But it looks to have been weighing on her for sometime.




She told me everything about this past relationship. Too much detail sometimes. She just changed the gender of the partner to a guy instead of a girl. Its how I was able to paint such a strong picture and foundation for the marriage. I asked her all the appropriate normal questions and believed her answers. I even asked about if she had experimented with girls which she denied 4 times or more.


Apart from that she seems to have been truthful and open but now I am having trouble believing the answers. The foundation of the relationship has just been removed from right under my feet.



In her mind all she did was omit to tell one small fact because it makes no difference a person is a person boy or girl....


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Why would you ask at least 4 times if she experimented with girls? Was something telling you she was at least bi?

I can see asking once, to see if you could elicit an erotic response but 4 times?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gtdave (Oct 16, 2014)

tulsy said:


> You don't even know this person.
> 
> Honestly, she's not who you thought she was.
> 
> ...



Its true I dont know her anymore!!

Believe me I tried to dig and find photos but I couldnt. Everything was wiped. She said she kept nothing because she got cheated on. So I believed this. My ex cheated on me and you wont find any evidence of her in my personal photos.

All I know is that my wife still has her exs mum and sister still on facebook but not the ex. 

The only thing I found was a poetic facebook post from around the time of the breakup stating that all girls are a bit bisexual even if the deny it...


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

in all seriousness, i think if i were you, i would try to determine if she had the hots more for men or women. If men, i would go onward to the next step. If women...you are just a placeholder until her next lesbian lover.

IF she is more inclined to men than women, and knows this now having sample both sets of goods, then.....
Are you ok with her having an occasional romp with a woman? Would you be ok if it was an FMF arrangement, where she only had sex with a woman if you could join in? IF NOT, then she has to agree to a monogamous hetero relationship _*for the rest of her life*_--acknowledging that she is Bisexual, but that she will never again do that in real life.

And finally, IF you continue on, there has to be a thorough discussion and agreement reached on truth, straight talking, and sexual/relationship boundaries. 

For instance, her going to a bar where lesbians are openly hitting on her and she has to say she is married....not the best sort of bars for her to be hanging in. Maybe a more hetero-oriented bar would be less risky. The trouble with bars/acohol/raging hormones is that BIG MISTAKES can be made, with no way to recover once you have sobered up! So she would have to be willing to carry her own water on this one, even if it requires partial/total giving up on her past entertainment lifestyle. 

Maybe a nice church group?

i do think i remember very poor stats on a marriage lasting after one partner admits they are gay. So you will be fighting uphill on this one.

Maybe you can find a Bisexual forum somewhere where you can discuss the realities of this lifestyle, and see if you are willing to put up with it for her.


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## gtdave (Oct 16, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Why would you ask at least 4 times if she experimented with girls? Was something telling you she was at least bi?
> 
> I can see asking once, to see if you could elicit an erotic response but 4 times?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



All the lesbian friends. I know they think she is hot so I always wondered if they or she ever kissed or something when she was younger. 


Like imagine a guy with 99% gay male friends...you would wonder if he had ever been tempted.


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## gtdave (Oct 16, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> in all seriousness, i think if i were you, i would try to determine if she had the hots more for men or women. If men, i would go onward to the next step. If women...you are just a placeholder until her next lesbian lover.
> 
> IF she is more inclined to men than women, and knows this now having sample both sets of goods, then.....
> Are you ok with her having an occasional romp with a woman? Would you be ok if it was an FMF arrangement, where she only had sex with a woman if you could join in? IF NOT, then she has to agree to a monogamous hetero relationship for the rest of her life--acknowledging that she is Bisexual, but that she will never again do that in real life.
> ...




I agree with this whole post. Divorce is a bit hasty until I can understand fully what I am dealing with here. 

Ive been scratching my head wondering how to determine if she likes guys or girls more. Right now I cant trust her words so I guess I watch her actions.


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

GT,
You are in what should be the best/easiest years of your marriage. Trust, fidelity, satisfaction , honest should be at an all time high. Marriage is never going to be easier then it is right now. 

Over the years you're going to deal with kids, health issues, money problems, family issues.....the list goes on and on. You need a partner that you trust inherently. When you fall down, and you will, you need a spouse that you expect to be there for you. A spouse whom you will trust with your life and the life of your children.

The women you are now married to is not this person. 

Even if you can get past her previous lies and deception. Even if she is a model wife for the rest of her life. Even if her and her family throw themselves at your feet and beg for forgiveness. Even if all these things happen there will still be a problem in YOU. 

YOU will remember this for all the days of your marriage. It will eat at you and your resentment will fester over time. Every girls night out, night working late, trip to the mall.......you will question what happened and whether she told you the truth. When the time comes that you need her to step up, you will not give her that opportunity because you won't trust her.

Take my advice and end the marriage. You deserve a better marriage than what you'll have with your current wife.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

gtdave said:


> All the lesbian friends. I know they think she is hot so I always wondered if they or she ever kissed or something when she was younger.
> 
> 
> Like imagine a guy with 99% gay male friends...you would wonder if he had ever been tempted.


Well, now you know the answer.

Look let's say your wife went out with a bunch of dudes all the time. How would you react? 

I think it's naive to think she hasn't kissed these girls out at the bar. Or elsewhere.

She cannot be trusted. I'm sorry to say. There is nothing she can say or do where you can regain trust in her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HomeFrontDadAndMore (Sep 12, 2013)

the guy said:


> Filling for divorce is one way to show others you will not be disrespected and humiliated.


Agreed - there are so many things that can go wrong between spouses and EA/PA - this just doubled it up. It is such a fundamental lie and if she's fooling herself she didn't what other rationalizations is she capable of?

Want to start a family - when the stuff really hits the fan - with this kind of soap opera? The whole thing really sounds like fiction - consider your future, I can't see it getting any better than this.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Is she now remorseful?


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

GT,
I can't imagine how you must feel. It's almost like being Truman in the movie The Truman Show. Everyone around you knows what is happening except for you. Your life must be so surreal right now. 

Take a deep breath and hang in there. Go work out for a while and clear your head. This would be tough for any man to take.


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## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

Your wife is still a Lesbian. No excuse. Otherwise, she will get out of the Lesbian circle and make some straight friends if she becomes straight. The fact is, she is still living in the Lesbian circle. You know it. 

I understand how you feel hesitate to divorce, because you have invested so much into the relationship. It is very hard for people to admit that they made a big mistake and their whole investment for the past years was a total failure. Right now you wish there was a magic switch you could turn it on then everything flipped back to normal - you and you wife in a happy marriage. You just had a bad dream. Everything is fine. 

But, it is real. Cut your loss now before you lose more.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Someone ban me for a week...


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## gtdave (Oct 16, 2014)

Xenote said:


> Is she now remorseful?



No, she thinks im fine about it just because I have not openly shown her the turmoil im feeling. She doesnt need to show remorse because in her mind there is no problem. 

Ive been in shock to be honest where I feel numb. Not angry or depressed more really disappointed. 

Im still trying to work out how I am going to address this. Im fairly sure it will come as a shock to her.


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## NewLife2017 (Aug 16, 2014)

Q tip said:


> Someone ban me for a week...


:rofl::lol:


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## gtdave (Oct 16, 2014)

Youngster said:


> GT,
> I can't imagine how you must feel. It's almost like being Truman in the movie The Truman Show. Everyone around you knows what is happening except for you. Your life must be so surreal right now.
> 
> Take a deep breath and hang in there. Go work out for a while and clear your head. This would be tough for any man to take.


I feel pretty numb, like in shock. I cant believe it and more so I cant believe she doesnt feel bad about it either. Like its just something small. 

Im not feeling very close to her and if im honest I dont want to be close to her right now.




She used to tell me about how she was nervous about me and her bumping in to HIM on the street because it would be awkward.... Yea real awkward for me....


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Yeswecan said:


> As far as hiding the lesbian relationship...it is a lie of magnitude. However, did you really dig into her past before making the decision to marry? If so, was this portion of her life knowingly omitted for the purpose to deceive you? If you did not really dig into her past then I see no reason for her to bring it up. Also, it appears this past has been weighing on her for sometime. This hiding it from you. Now was just the time to spill it? She then appears to have a conscience. Other than this...what type of W has she been? It's not like she had a dead body in the trunk. This was something in her past that for some reason, good or bad, she did not tell you about. But it looks to have been weighing on her for sometime.


Completely disagree with this. 100% completely.

When we marry someone, it is not our job to "dig into their past". You learn about the person by TALKING TO THEM. You trust people's information about themselves, unless there is some real reason to suspect it's wrong.

Maybe the OP was a little dense in not delving into this given the lesbian friends, etc, but frankly, it was his wife's job to present her true self to him, not as an imposter.

This is a major lie. 

For example, as my wife and I got more serious in our courtship, she began revealing things to me that she was afraid to reveal. She originally said I was her 3rd sexual partner. But I was really her 5th. She told me about her dad trying to spy on her when she was naked. Some really bad stuff.

But she did this BEFORE we got married, and gave me the information I deserved before tying the knot.

OP's wife did not. Simple as that. And he has the right to change his decision now. What's worse than the new information, is the fact she hid this from him for several years, and outright lied.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

tulsy said:


> You don't even know this person.
> 
> Honestly, she's not who you thought she was.
> 
> ...


OP, you're not in love with your wife. You're in love with the person she was pretending to be. You've now found out that she's not that person. Maybe you can fall in love with the real her and maybe not, but you don't even know the real her. And given the fact that she lied to you for the entire time you knew her and had all her friends and family helping her to deceive you for all that time, you can't ever really be sure you've gotten to know the real her.

I doubt you can get an annulment now but you can and should divorce her and cut her and all her lying friends and family out of your life.


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## NewLife2017 (Aug 16, 2014)

Hi qtdave!
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I agree with most of the other posters. This is a bad situation especially since she doesn't see anything wrong with what she has done. I know you are in shock. To me, what she lied about is bad but what's worse is her lack of remorse. There really need to be consequences to this. If you ask her what she is (gay or straight), how can you trust her answer? You do not have kids, I would say divorce. You sound like a good decent man, there are a lot of women out there who are loyal and honest. This is NOT your fault and you deserve better.

I honestly don't know why her family didn't step in other than blood is thicker than water. To me, they helped perpetuate and cover up the lie. Have you talked to YOUR family yet?


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## gtdave (Oct 16, 2014)

NewLife2017 said:


> Hi qtdave!
> I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I agree with most of the other posters. This is a bad situation especially since she doesn't see anything wrong with what she has done. I know you are in shock. To me, what she lied about is bad but what's worse is her lack of remorse. There really need to be consequences to this. If you ask her what she is (gay or straight), how can you trust her answer? You do not have kids, I would say divorce. You sound like a good decent man, there are a lot of women out there who are loyal and honest. This is NOT your fault and you deserve better.
> 
> I honestly don't know why her family didn't step in other than blood is thicker than water. To me, they helped perpetuate and cover up the lie. Have you talked to YOUR family yet?




The family never really commented on her previous relationship much but in the extreme rare times I mentioned something they didnt set me straight which is frustrating. I think they were probably as surprised when I said HE im guessing they would have thought she would have told me. Im more frustrated about her friends and sister who definitely hid it from me.


Im honestly too embarrassed to talk to my family and friends right now.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I totally get that you feel embarrassed. Makes sense.

But you do really need to have an honest talk with your wife. She is oblivious to your torment and that's not fair. Time to get out of "shock" and communicate with her.

This is too big to let fester.


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## NewLife2017 (Aug 16, 2014)

Her family and friends are toxic. As soon as you used the word HIM, they should have spoken up. I understand why her parents didn't. With you, there is a chance for a grandchild. But, that still does NOT make it right. 

I understand you feel embarrassed. But, you have nothing to be EMBARRASSED for. You did nothing wrong. I hope you can remember that. TAM is a great support network but I would tell your family & friends. If you split, she will most likely tell everyone that you are a bigot and threw her out. She'll forget to mention that she lied all this time.


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## gtdave (Oct 16, 2014)

I wish I knew what to say to her! I have so many questions and points of concern I think I will need to write them down in order to not lose my focus.



My main point is that she has caused a deep mistrust and a feeling that I dont even know my wife, what she thinks or what she went through. She will need to explain this in detail if I am to start building a picture in my mind again!


Then theres the issue with the family hiding it. I will talk to them directly about this. I dont mind putting them on the spot.


Next are the gay friends. This will be complex as her bro and sis are both openly gay. I cant stop her from seeing them as thats totally unreasonable. Then I will need to analyse the other close gay friends. Not too sure what I can do here. Maybe suggest a straight bar we can all feel comfortable in.



There is this one girl who texts my wife every day 24h. Its weird that they text all day but never ever hang out!!! She is all jokes and flirtatious comments and she is a lesbian. They apparently met in a bar a few years ago and got chatting from there. Very suspicious imo. I once saw this girl text my wife Is your Husband Ok with me Texting you? This set off alarm bells at the time but I thought is ok shes a lesbian and my wife isnt...

This friend I am going to ask to meet. I will say to my wife that all 3 of us should meet up so as I can trust her intentions. If my wife refuses then I will tell her to stop texting her or im gone. She needs to help me trust her again so hiding wierd text girl who she never meets would just be too strange. 



If my wife refuses or is closed in her answers then im gone. If she refuses to see what she did and repair it, then im gone. Essentially I am going to need to see a real effort from my wife to try to build this up again and make me believe who she actually is. If this isnt done im gone.

Even if it is all done and she tries her best there is still a chance I will just leave.


I dont think my wife is capable of rebuilding this. I will give her a chance but in the meantime Im going to start working on emotionally detaching myself from this relationship.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya start writing a journel and get a out line for your self. When you do confront her be prepared for the gaslighting and defensive tactics.

I kind a believe she is trying to sweep this under the rug now that her secrets out.....and this is not about being guy its about her secret...so do not let her deflect...stay on point.


I also think that this is just another "car accident" to her and we all know how she handled that so be prepared to walk away empty handed.

For now she has to see confident guy that can let her go


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## Mica (Oct 10, 2014)

GT:

You are married to a liar. The foundation of your marriage is built on sand. She is either lesbian or bisexual. If she is a lesbian, you will never be able to satisfy her or make her happy. If she's bi, you'll be looking over your shoulder the rest of your life and competing with, not 50%, but with 100% of the population.

I've seen this happen before. It will not end well for you. Get a divorce/annulment as soon as possible before you waste years of your life and before you have children. If you don't, nothing but pain, tears, and bitterness lies before you.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Your wife is a lesbian and liar. Her relatives are liars. Her friends are lesbians who have the hots for her. She's shown no remorse, no guilt, and is showing you no respect over what she's done. And you can't figure out what you need to do??? Seriously???? You want to sit down with her and have a pow-wow about the situation??? 

You sound like a young guy. You need to get a divorce/annulment ASAP and not waste any more of your life on this woman. The fact is you married the wrong woman. The good thing is you found out relatively early in the marriage and before you knocked her up.

I'd also recommend you see a therapist. I mean no offense but your posts are dripping with insecurity, low self-esteem, and a lack of self-respect that is almost painful to read. If anything I'd file for divorce and start going dark on her just to show her how ****ing serious this is instead of wringing your hands wondering what to do and how to confront the situation.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Wait a sec.

Her brother AND sister are both gay?

Well, that explains some things, actually. I mean, your W probably met some of her friends through them, and this very likely contributed to her sexual confusion. When TWO siblings are gay, you may think you should be gay too. Then she discovered maybe she actually wasn't.

To me, this changes the whole situation. It doesn't change the lying, but it does increase the probability that she is actually straight, but due to her family situation, she's kind of messed up about boundaries and sexual identity.

Girl needs therapy, big time.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

gtdave said:


> The Bombshell!!! So after two years of marriage she suddenly told me that her EX BOYFRIEND was not a guy at all. It was a GIRL. She was in a Lesbian relationship for 4 years and she has only been in 2 serious relationships. One with a GIRL and one with me her HUSBAND.


 The fact that she lied to your face about this, makes me concerned that she may have married you with the intent of using you to have children. It is not unheard of for lesbians to try having a male husbands because they want to have children of their own, only to divorce the husband later for a lesbian relationship. The problem with this is that they often get custody of the children, child support and alimony, while the father finds out that they never really had a chance at a long term marriage. She gets to decide if a male or female partner is what she really wants long term, while what you want or how good a husband you are not deciding factors for her. Do not have children with this woman.



gtdave said:


> Whats bad is that I am the last person to find out and I even talked to some of her friends and family about how this EX BOYFRIEND treated her bad. They never told me it was a GIRL so I now feel a bit humiliated and im sure they had a laugh about what I said after.


 They lied to you because she asked them to lie. She played you for the fool to all of her family and friends and it does not sound like she feels very remorseful about it. Again, this makes me concerned that you are being used.


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## gtdave (Oct 16, 2014)

Gabriel said:


> Wait a sec.
> 
> Her brother AND sister are both gay?
> 
> ...



yea I dont know who came out first or anything. I probably need to ask. We live in Brazil where sexual boundaries are less strict. Being Bi is quite acceptable here. Thats still not so much my issue. 

My issue is who is my wife? Im not sure I know!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think I know your wife...she is a cake eater!

Life #1 husband and kids...hetero/monagamist relationship

Life #2 single lesbian that needs validation from other women

Her to very seperate lives just clashed by that one slip of the tongue.....no bun intendented.

I still think telling you about her lesbian relationship would have virgina blocked her other life.

I'm just say you are from a country that is liberal with the whole bi sexual thing so why hide it from you.......cuz you would have blocked her other life style.


Honesty is the best policy and your old lady has a really crappy policy.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: Married Guy, Wife Drops A Bombshell*



gtdave said:


> I wish I knew what to say to her! I have so many questions and points of concern I think I will need to write them down in order to not lose my focus.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Are you sure weird text girl isn't her ex? It sure would explain her comment about if it's ok with you that they communicate.


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## gtdave (Oct 16, 2014)

bfree said:


> Are you sure weird text girl isn't her ex? It sure would explain her comment about if it's ok with you that they communicate.



Yea im positive she is not the ex. She is an orbiter who is clearly interested in my wife. I though that before my wife told me about her past but it meant less then as I though there was no danger of feelings developing.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Gt, you're right not to be hasty. You said her siblings are gay. Is it possible she witnessed severe discrimination and/or homophobic reactions in the past? It certainly doesn't excuse her actions but it may explain them somewhat. Also, I've known quite a few gays. To us gender is important. To many in the gay community gender considerations are not only blurred but oftentimes gender is almost "the enemy" since it is gender sameness that is the issue. In her mind if she has been exposed to that lifestyle as much as it seems those ideas and ideals have been impressed upon her frequently. She very much may feel that the gender of her ex is of little importance. Just things to ponder.


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## gtdave (Oct 16, 2014)

bfree said:


> Gt, you're right not to be hasty. You said her siblings are gay. Is it possible she witnessed severe discrimination and/or homophobic reactions in the past? It certainly doesn't excuse her actions but it may explain them somewhat. Also, I've known quite a few gays. To us gender is important. To many in the gay community gender considerations are not only blurred but oftentimes gender is almost "the enemy" since it is gender sameness that is the issue. In her mind if she has been exposed to that lifestyle as much as it seems those ideas and ideals have been impressed upon her frequently. She very much may feel that the gender of her ex is of little importance. Just things to ponder.



Thats what she told me. She said it doesnt mater what gender the person was so I shouldnt be annoyed.

I replied by saying if it didnt matter then why did you not just tell me immediately and not lie about it. If its no big deal what were you trying to achieve by saying it was a guy. 

Then she says she didnt lie she just left out some information...


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

gtdave said:


> Thats what she told me. She said it doesnt mater what gender the person was so I shouldnt be annoyed.
> 
> I replied by saying if it didnt matter then why did you not just tell me immediately and not lie about it. If its no big deal what were you trying to achieve by saying it was a guy.
> 
> Then she says she didnt lie she just left out some information...


Have you ever noticed that some in the gay/lesbian community dress in a very gender neutral way? Have you ever noticed that they dress, behave and "live" in a gender opposite way? Ever notice that gay men, lesbians, transsexuals, transvestites all seem to group together? It's because in that community gender really isn't as important as it is in the straight community.

That said,

I just talked to a gay friend of mine. I wanted to gain some perspective on this so I had him read your thread. Let me throw out some of his thoughts.

Having been cheated on and knowing you've been cheated on she should have known what deceit feels like and regardless of her gender views she should have told you. He said she is not of strong character because she took the easy road.

She said she is not lesbian but was just "into" this one woman? He asked me why then was "fending off" this hot woman (post #15) at the bar such a big deal to her if she wasn't attracted to women? He said that she is most definitely bisexual and is most definitely attracted to women as well as men. If she is telling you otherwise she is just trying to reassure you.

He also wanted me to remind you that gays and lesbians are human. They feel the same things that straights do and don't let her manipulate you into pitying her. She knew she was lying. She knew it would come out eventually. She just hoped it would be far enough down the road for it not to matter. He said if she expects you to understand her predicament that she must make an effort to understand yours as well.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Oh he also said don't talk to the sister as she'll probably have the same viewpoint as your wife and you'll just look petty and weak. Same with the rest of her family. He said if you were happy before this you should try to get past this and work it out. But she's got to help you through it or there's no way you'll ever trust her again.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

gtdave said:


> Then she says she didnt lie she just left out some information...


:scratchhead:


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

gtdave said:


> Then she says she didnt lie she just left out some information...


 Even if true, a lie by omission is still a lie. But it is not true. Her falsely saying that her ex was a guy was an assertion not an omission.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Mica said:


> GT:
> 
> . . If she is a lesbian, *you will never be able to satisfy her or make her happy*. . . .





TRy said:


> . . she may have married you with the intent of using you to have children.* It is not unheard of for lesbians to try having a male husbands because they want to have children of their own, *only to divorce the husband later for a lesbian relationship. The problem with this is that *they often get custody of the children, child support and alimony*, while the father finds out that they never really had a chance at a long term marriage. . . .



gtdave,

After reading all posts, I feel like emphasizing the above two points:

If she's a lesbian perhaps she can get physical sexual release with you. Make use of your penis.

But the real intense, emotional, bonding stuff, is probably only possible with other women.

Don't settle for being a human dildo.

************************

I don't know what family law is like in Brazil, but in the U.S., what TRy said is very possible. She wants to use you as a sperm donor and a bank account. Very calculating and cold. Maybe that's not the case. But you don't want to take the chance that it is.

She doesn't have the best track record with telling the truth; does she?

****************************

I wish you all the best. I don't believe you'll find it with this particular woman.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

I think this group is a bunch of homophobes.

An x is an x is an x.

So what her x was a chick? And to get all tied up in knots because of it? Shame on you guys. Equality doesn't live on TAM, that's for sure.

What if her x was black? Or a midget? Why do you feel the need to be so absolute she lied about the gender of a former lover? That's right, FORMER.




*shakes head in disbelief


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

gtdave said:


> Thats true. The problem is I can talk to no one about this. Its why im on here. I cant ask her friends or family because they all knew and never said anything to me.
> 
> 
> So many things make more sense now like her mum and dad being sooooo happy that I married her because now they will get kids in the future! Looking back I feel like a dumbass for not seeing the signs clearly.


I don't want to make you more paranoid but

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beard_(companion)


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Revamped said:


> I think this group is a bunch of homophobes.
> 
> An x is an x is an x.
> 
> ...



Did you even read OP's post ? YOu obviously did not. She lied repeatedly.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Revamped said:


> I think this group is a bunch of homophobes.
> 
> An x is an x is an x.
> 
> ...


Put down the pitchfork, and pick up a clue. The issue wasn't that she is gay, it's that she lied.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

It IS the fact that she had a lesbian relationship. 

This is the problem bi's face every day. The judging and paranoia run rampant.

Just look at these responses - she'll cheat, she'll run back to a girl, she's a money grubbing wh***.

Do YOU tell your current SO about how bit your x's ****l was? No. Same thing...


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

OP, I want you to take a careful look at revamped's posts. I'm not going to comment on whether they are correct or not. I don't know if revamped is gay or straight. But the ideas presented are very much commonplace in the gay/lesbian community. Many consider gender a complete non factor. Many have been discriminated against so there is much fear. Many are so used to keeping quiet about aspects of their personal lives that it just becomes second nature. I'm not saying you should reconcile with your wife. I'm not saying you should just get over it. I am saying that you should try to understand her motivations in not discussing this aspect of her prior relationship from you. It very well may not have been with any malice intended. You have to decide for yourself what you want but I would strongly suggest a loving heart to heart talk with your wife might be your first step. And btw, her defensiveness may also be a knee jerk reaction as many gays have when they feel their sexuality is being questioned.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Revamped said:


> An x is an x is an x.
> 
> So what her x was a chick? And to get all tied up in knots because of it? Shame on you guys. Equality doesn't live on TAM, that's for sure.


 A lie is a lie is a lie. So what if the liar is bi? Equality does not give someone that is bi a pass to lie to their spouse, and to get all of their family and friends to go along with lying to the spouse.



Revamped said:


> What if her x was black? Or a midget? Why do you feel the need to be so absolute she lied about the gender of a former lover? That's right, FORMER.


 Picking a spouse for marriage is a discriminating process. The race, color, religion, physical body, honesty, sexual orientation and shared values, are all fair game in the selection process for determining a mate. She lied because she feared that the truth about her sexual orientation may have been a negative factor in the OP's selection process, so she denied him the right to make an informed decision in picking his spouse.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

TRy said:


> A lie is a lie is a lie. So what if the liar is bi? Equality does not give someone that is bi a pass to lie to their spouse, and to get all of their family and friends to go along with lying to the spouse.
> 
> Picking a spouse for marriage is a discriminating process. The race, color, religion, physical body, honesty, sexual orientation and shared values, are all fair game in the selection process for determining a mate. She lied because she feared that the truth about her sexual orientation may have been a negative factor in the OP's selection process, so she denied him the right to make an informed decision in picking his spouse.


I disagree on your stance.

She has never hid the truth about a four year relationship going sour. She omitted the gender the person involved. OH MY GOD! THE SHEAR TERROR! Like finding out your gf past lover was blonde. THAT *****! She may drop you because YOU'RE not blonde? How silly.


WHY didn't she tell you???
Because it is irrelevant.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What's really going on is that you've found out that your wife isn't your best friend. Best friends know everything about each other and share willingly. Something in her past taught her to hide stuff, and she hefted that mantle onto you, as well, instead of taking the chance that you would not judge or punish as her parents most likely did over things.

You CAN come back from that, but only if she's willing to do the hard work to become vulnerable with you.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Revamped said:


> It IS the fact that she had a lesbian relationship.
> 
> This is the problem bi's face every day. The judging and paranoia run rampant.
> 
> ...


:rofl:

Go back to tumblr


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I haven't read through the whole thread yet but here's some old, sage, TAM advice. 

When you take your business trip in a couple of weeks, drop a couple VARs around. One in her car, one in the bedroom. When you get back, you'll know if she's carrying on behind your back, whether with a gal or a guy. 

Since she feels no remorse, she's showing she's not to be trusted any further than you could throw her.


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## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

Revamped said:


> I disagree on your stance.
> 
> She has never hid the truth about a four year relationship going sour. She omitted the gender the person involved. OH MY GOD! THE SHEAR TERROR! Like finding out your gf past lover was blonde. THAT *****! She may drop you because YOU'RE not blonde? How silly.
> 
> ...


You are unbelievable. What's wrong if OP does not want a Bi to be spouse? So straight people does not have right to pick spouse? It is not like company hiring employees. It is a personal choice. You must come from a different planet.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

My ex was a closet gay. That's only part of why I left her. Being unfaithful, lying, those were bigger reasons to leave her. 

My DD is bisexual, currently in a lesbian relationship. She tends to be lesbian when she's around one group of friends, but when she lived with us for a year recently, she went out with guys. So gender isn't much of an issue in that regard for her. 

But when my ex and D lie to me, their sexual orientation doesn't mean a damned thing. Hey, my fWW lied to me and she's het. So who cares who they bed? A lie is a lie. 

It has absolutely nothing to do with being a homophobe, or political correctness, or any of that drivel. 

OP directly asked his W if she'd had relationships with other women. She lied to him. The whole story about the ex, was it just a bf? Did he have a name? Was it one of those dual gender names or did "Tina" turn into "Tom" for those lies? 

It's still a lie. Get it?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Revamped said:


> She has never hid the truth about a four year relationship going sour. She omitted the gender the person involved. OH MY GOD! THE SHEAR TERROR! Like finding out your gf past lover was blonde. THAT *****! She may drop you because YOU'RE not blonde? How silly.


 Silly is you trying to say that her past lover being a lesbian is that same as the lover being blond. If it did not matter, she would not have lied about it.



Revamped said:


> WHY didn't she tell you???
> Because it is irrelevant.


 You do not get to make the call for the OP on what is relevant in picking a spouse and what is not relevant.


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## gtdave (Oct 16, 2014)

Revamped said:


> I disagree on your stance.
> 
> She has never hid the truth about a four year relationship going sour. She omitted the gender the person involved. OH MY GOD! THE SHEAR TERROR! Like finding out your gf past lover was blonde. THAT *****! She may drop you because YOU'RE not blonde? How silly.
> 
> ...



Revamped, I understand that you are seeing it from the other side so I appreciate the feedback. However I see big flaws in your argument and its exactly the reasons I am now doubting my current relationship.


You say the gender is no big deal. So why did my wife make such a big effort to cover up this non big deal. That shows me that it is in fact a very big deal. 


My issue is not gender. Its trust. She lied and created stories this whole time. As a previous poster said I have just found out that my wife is not my best friend. 


Your correct in saying that the gender of my wifes previous partner is not a deciding factor in marriage. I completely agree, however she denied me that chance to choose. She pretended to be honest out of the fear that I would not marry her. She didnt give me the trust and respect to let me make my own decision.



You are seeing it just like my wife. She thinks, ok it was just a tiny detail and I never really fully lied, big deal. Deal with it.

You are not seeing it from a straight husbands perspective who has alwyas tried his best to have an open mind.


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## gtdave (Oct 16, 2014)

turnera said:


> What's really going on is that you've found out that your wife isn't your best friend. Best friends know everything about each other and share willingly. Something in her past taught her to hide stuff, and she hefted that mantle onto you, as well, instead of taking the chance that you would not judge or punish as her parents most likely did over things.
> 
> You CAN come back from that, but only if she's willing to do the hard work to become vulnerable with you.



This is very true. I thought we were closer than we actually are. Whats worse is that I know she has told other people closer to her. Im literally the last person to find out. As a husband I should be the first to know. At least thats what I believe.



At the moment I cant help but be distant with her. She knows something is up and last night she was trying her best to be all sweet and nice. I need to talk to her this weekend


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

When the OP gets shown the door from the home he generously provided his spouse when the inevitable happens, it will be her latest lesbian lover that will be waving goodbye to him from the living room window.
Being liar comprises 80% of what is required to be a CHEATER.


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## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

Your guys are amazing by saying gender is not the issue. I respect that 's your personal choice. 

But for me, I 'm not marrying a gay or Bi. Period. It is my personal choice. I have that right. I don't care "discrimination" or " equality", what kind of crap you pull out. I can be friends with gay. I can be family member with gay. But I'm not marring one.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Revamped said:


> I disagree on your stance.
> 
> She has never hid the truth about a four year relationship going sour. She omitted the gender the person involved. OH MY GOD! THE SHEAR TERROR! Like finding out your gf past lover was blonde. THAT *****! She may drop you because YOU'RE not blonde? How silly.
> 
> ...



Yeah that is not a lie. Its more like a Bi-lie. Only half as naughty. 

I wonder why she never told him? What is the reason? Was she so much in love with him that she worried about losing him? Was she a devious trickster, trapping him with her female charms while keeping some fresh lady-luv on the side? Inquiring minds want to know.


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## gtdave (Oct 16, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> Yeah that is not a lie. Its more like a Bi-lie. Only half as naughty.
> 
> I wonder why she never told him? What is the reason? Was she so much in love with him that she worried about losing him? Was she a devious trickster, trapping him with her female charms while keeping some fresh lady-luv on the side? Inquiring minds want to know.



Im going to try and find out this weekend. I predict she will get defensive and try to close up and share no info. If thats the case then I will walk!!


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

Revamped said:


> I disagree on your stance.
> 
> She has never hid the truth about a four year relationship going sour. She omitted the gender the person involved. OH MY GOD! THE SHEAR TERROR! Like finding out your gf past lover was blonde. THAT *****! She may drop you because YOU'RE not blonde? How silly.
> 
> ...



No, she did not omit the gender. She referred to the previous relationship as having a _*BOY*_friend, even though that was not the case. Thus, she led the OP to believe her previous relationship was with a man.

There are two things at play here - she lied and is showing NO remorse, and a partners sexual orientation is a big deal, especially if one has been led to believe that relationship was with the same gender. The OP said that he would have been willing to work with his wife if she was open and honest about her previous relationship. Instead, she hid it.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

gtdave said:


> No, she thinks im fine about it just because I have not openly shown her the turmoil im feeling. She doesnt need to show remorse because in her mind there is no problem.
> 
> Ive been in shock to be honest where I feel numb. Not angry or depressed more really disappointed.
> 
> Im still trying to work out how I am going to address this. Im fairly sure it will come as a shock to her.


You're not sharing your feelings because you're a doormat (read: Beta). You don't think your feelings are as important as hers. You feel like you need to be justified for feeling the way you do. You are worried about the confrontation. You're worried that if you screw it up you might ruin your marriage. You're worried about coming off looking like an a$$hole or douche. You don't want to be "one of those guys" that can't trust his wife when she goes out for girls nights.

Your wife had a bad relationship in the past, you wanted to show her that not all guys are like that. You wanted to be the man of her dreams. You wanted her to think you were amazing.

You are codependent. A doormat. Beta boy. "Nice guy."

The good news is that there's a better way.

You don't have to justify your feelings. You don't have to be afraid of confrontation. You don't have to have a valid reason for feeling the way you do. You don't have to be worried if someone doesn't like you. You don't need to be validated in order to have self-worth. You don't need to save anyone. You don't need to prove yourself in order to have value or be loved.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

gtdave said:


> Im going to try and find out this weekend. I predict she will get defensive and try to close up and share no info. If thats the case then I will walk!!


Don't even bother, she's going to make up some other lie to justify it. Someone with the ability to lie like that isn't suddenly going to come clean and start being brutally honest.

You're not just dealing with one issue, she's been lying in order to mask other bad behavior that she knows you'd have a problem with.


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## gtdave (Oct 16, 2014)

COguy said:


> You're not sharing your feelings because you're a doormat (read: Beta). You don't think your feelings are as important as hers. You feel like you need to be justified for feeling the way you do. You are worried about the confrontation. You're worried that if you screw it up you might ruin your marriage. You're worried about coming off looking like an a$$hole or douche. You don't want to be "one of those guys" that can't trust his wife when she goes out for girls nights.
> 
> Your wife had a bad relationship in the past, you wanted to show her that not all guys are like that. You wanted to be the man of her dreams. You wanted her to think you were amazing.
> 
> ...


Your wrong, normally I confront immediately. However my wife is working 9-5 then has university from 6-10 at night. She gets home at 11pm during the week. I do not want an all night argument starting at 11pm.

I want to be alert, calm and composed and I want no excuse about its late at night and shes tired from her.


Its about picking your battles logically. 

Also because I normally flip out immediately me waiting and her sensing something is wrong is making her more worried.


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## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

COguy said:


> You're not sharing your feelings because you're a doormat (read: Beta). You don't think your feelings are as important as hers. You feel like you need to be justified for feeling the way you do. You are worried about the confrontation. You're worried that if you screw it up you might ruin your marriage. You're worried about coming off looking like an a$$hole or douche. You don't want to be "one of those guys" that can't trust his wife when she goes out for girls nights.
> 
> Your wife had a bad relationship in the past, you wanted to show her that not all guys are like that. You wanted to be the man of her dreams. You wanted her to think you were amazing.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I also feel OP thinks he needs to justify his feelings. He is trying to be a "nice guy", trying to be "open minded", a "cool guy". No need.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

COguy said:


> Don't even bother, she's going to make up some other lie to justify it. Someone with the ability to lie like that isn't suddenly going to come clean and start being brutally honest.
> 
> You're not just dealing with one issue, she's been lying in order to mask other bad behavior that she knows you'd have a problem with.


This. I'm not exactly sure what you expect to say to her that's going to make her respond any differently than she already has. You need to stop trying to talk to her about it, which you've already done and gotten absolutely nowhere, and start doing something different.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Again, I disagree. OP has NEVER sat down and told his wife how much this bothers him. He has admitted as such in this thread. 

She needs to know just how much this has affected him. He has not really given her a chance to act upon his true reaction. He had kept the ball in his court while talking to us on TAM. 

He needs to hit the ball to her now, by telling him his full, true feelings on the matter.

If she fails to try to help him through it, show any remorse, or she tries to minimize the issue, then it's time for him to leave the relationship. She hasn't really gotten that chance, because he has only kind of talked about it. He's danced around and not hit her over the head with how much this bothers him.


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

You have to really drive home to her how upset you are she lied and made you look foolish also the discomfort from her flirty texts from other lesbian women and the fact that being bi she is always in temptations way at gay bars and clubs


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Gabriel said:


> Again, I disagree. OP has NEVER sat down and told his wife how much this bothers him. He has admitted as such in this thread.
> 
> She needs to know just how much this has affected him. He has not really given her a chance to act upon his true reaction. He had kept the ball in his court while talking to us on TAM.
> 
> ...


To me I feel like in this situation words are just that. Words. Not to mention the fact that it's not just her who deceived him but her family also. And I imagine her friends as well. According to him she won't even acknowledge that she lied to him after being confronted and it sounds like she already knows he doesn't approve of her lie by omission. What exactly is he supposed to say that will make her feel so remorseful?? I think at this point action speaks far louder than words. He can talk at her until he's blue in the face, he's most likely just going to get the same defensive/rug sweeping reaction he's already gotten.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

gtdave said:


> Your wrong, normally I confront immediately. However my wife is working 9-5 then has university from 6-10 at night. She gets home at 11pm during the week. I do not want an all night argument starting at 11pm.
> 
> I want to be alert, calm and composed and I want no excuse about its late at night and shes tired from her.
> 
> ...




I think you're being smart about this. Timing is everything when you wish to confront or have a serious discussion. Waiting until the weekend when her schedule clears and she has nowhere to be is a good plan.

As you already know, she's not likely to want to have this discussion and will probably get defensive and try to create diversions during your conversation. When people feel blindsided, that is the usual result.

Having said that, you need to bring up the two or three things that upset and bother you about the situation and stay on message. As she tries to divert your attention away from her wrong doing, you can bring her back to the topic at hand.

From what I can gather from this thread, she lied by omission about the relationship (gender) and robbed you of the power of choice. The second one would be the biggest deal to me. In my mind, nobody gets to decide what I may or may not deem as important. 

I understand why she did it. She didn't want to feel judged or feel like you may disapprove of her in some way. She was likely also afraid of losing you if she told you the truth. Again, that's not her decision to make. It was yours. 

Like you, I don't really think that a previous lesbian relationship would have bothered me all that much but it does change the context of the relationship and I would have wanted the choice to decide if I wished to continue or not.

Now you have to have strong and different boundaries from what most have. Not going to lesbian bars for example might be one of them now. Not only are some single guys and ex boyfriends off limits as friends but so too are some single women. That may have not been something you would have wanted to deal with had you known about it before you got married.

Anyway, decide what really bothers you and then what she needs to do to regain your trust. I'm not really sure what you may be looking for there but you must have some idea.

I think you can get past this but she has to not only be remorseful for lying to you and continuing to lie but she needs to adhere to new boundaries and be willing to do so for the sake of the marriage. In other words, she needs to understand how you feel and do everything in her power to work with you toward regaining the trust in the marriage. If she'll do those things, then I think you'll be fine.

Good luck.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Mostlycontent said:


> I think you're being smart about this. Timing is everything when you wish to confront or have a serious discussion. Waiting until the weekend when her schedule clears and she has nowhere to be is a good plan.
> 
> As you already know, she's not likely to want to have this discussion and will probably get defensive and try to create diversions during your conversation. When people feel blindsided, that is the usual result.
> 
> ...


Maybe having to adhere to new boundaries is exactly why she didn't tell him in the first place. He might have insisted that she drop those lesbian friends that were somewhat flirty. He may have insisted she stay away from the gay bars. Either way if he has a long heart to heart with her he should be able to get some answers as to whether she can move forward with him or whether he needs to move forward without her.


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## leon1 (Sep 3, 2014)

I hope she starts to realise how big this lie really is ,make sure to change the boundaries if ye do try work it out .


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

If you decide to file for divorce, make sure you get a 3some first


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

lovesmanis said:


> If you decide to file for divorce, make sure you get a 3some first



:wtf: :nono:    :moon:

not funny. cheap shot.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Jasel said:


> To me I feel like in this situation words are just that. Words. Not to mention the fact that it's not just her who deceived him but her family also. And I imagine her friends as well. According to him she won't even acknowledge that she lied to him after being confronted and it sounds like she already knows he doesn't approve of her lie by omission. What exactly is he supposed to say that will make her feel so remorseful?? I think at this point action speaks far louder than words. He can talk at her until he's blue in the face, he's most likely just going to get the same defensive/rug sweeping reaction he's already gotten.


He might. But this is his wife - he should give her the chance to make it right. He hasn't done that. If she fails, she fails. Then he can move on with no regrets.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

How can she make it right when in her mind she is not wrong?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I still think she lied so OP wouldn't p8ssy block her.

As long as OP didn't know she was in a past lesbian relationship he tolorated the lesbian bars and all the lesbian texting.

She lied so she could have her cake and eat it to....no pun intended.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If OP knew about the gender of the past relationship, her behavior would have been one huge red flag 3 years ago but since she had told OP it was a male then all the crap she was doing was harmless in his mind.

So not only did she lie before they got married she continued to lie every time she went to a lesbian bar and reciprocated to all those lesbian text. 

I believe she set this up perfectly.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

So you think she set him up to be her beard?

That would be so cold.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You realize that sitting her down and talking to her is like spitting in the wind. She isn't going to listen to you or she already would have and you wouldn't be beating your head against the wall trying to make sense of this.

Rather then going through more hassle, hand her her coat and hat, and tell her to go back to her parents house because you need time to think. If she gets defensive repeat it again and tell her that her lies and deceit have taken all the trust you had for her and she also need time to think about what she did and ask her how she would feel if you with held information like that to her. if she says it wouldn't bother her then you know she's lying through her teeth.

What you got my friend is a woman who will never admit to any wrong doing and until she can fully understand how bad she hurt you (and YOU HAVE TO LET HER KNOW HOW BAD SHE HURT YOU) she will continue to live in a world where only her feelings count. That isn't a marriage. It's a sham. You were lied to and she made herself out to be something she isn't.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Revamped said:


> What if her x was black? Or a midget? Why do you feel the need to be so absolute she lied about the gender of a former lover?


I'll run with that analogy. 

A wife says that her husband shouldn't feel insecure about a close male friend because he's black and black dudes don't turn her on.
Then hubs finds out her first husband was black.

Is he racist if he's pissed off?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

6301 said:


> You realize that sitting her down and talking to her is like spitting in the wind. She isn't going to listen to you or she already would have and you wouldn't be beating your head against the wall trying to make sense of this.
> 
> Rather then going through more hassle, hand her her coat and hat, and tell her to go back to her parents house because you need time to think. If she gets defensive repeat it again and tell her that her lies and deceit have taken all the trust you had for her and she also need time to think about what she did and ask her how she would feel if you with held information like that to her. if she says it wouldn't bother her then you know she's lying through her teeth.
> 
> What you got my friend is a woman who will never admit to any wrong doing and until she can fully understand how bad she hurt you (and YOU HAVE TO LET HER KNOW HOW BAD SHE HURT YOU) she will continue to live in a world where only her feelings count. That isn't a marriage. It's a sham. You were lied to and she made herself out to be something she isn't.


I think this is pretty accurate. OP needs to really have it out with her. People here are saying it will do no good - but I don't think she's really heard his full feelings yet. He's pvssy-footed this so far. He needs to get serious, fast. 

THEN, if she continues to act the same way, fine, you tried.

If she's really a lesbian and he's her beard, he needs to leave. Simple.

But given she has TWO GAY SIBLINGS, it would not surprise me at all if she was straight, and just was confused earlier, thinking she was probably gay. Then realized she was actually straight later, but still has gay friends. That actually seems very plausible to me. 

But then again, she could be playing him as the beard too. He needs to get to the bottom of this.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Any thing is plausible for a bunch of stranger sitting at a computer. Its up to OP ...who is closest to the sitch to look at all these perceptions and decide.

At the end of the day OP is married to a chick that thinks she is never wrong......and that makes for a sh1tty relationship!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

syhoybenden said:


> So you think she set him up to be her beard?
> 
> That would be so cold.


This wouldn't even be an issue if his old lady would have commited to a hetro life style after she married OP.

But she didn't she kept going to lesbian bars and flirted with lesbians thru text.

So ya as cold blooded as it is I see her leaving her option open by omitting her lesbian relationship...hell she may have set up her family...but why in the hell did her family go along with this....


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

the guy said:


> ...but why in the hell did her family go along with this....


For the same reason that families rally behind cheaters when exposure happens and **** hits the fan. Blood is thicker than water.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm thinking she played the family to some degree.

If my old lady had a past relationship with a little person and she went to bars were little people hung out it would be a red flag.

If my old lady had a past relationship with a cyclops and she was getting flirty text from other cyclops' that would be a red flag.

But if my old lady had a relationship with a guy and went to a lesbian bar with her lesbian friend I could handle that.

The fact is my old ladies past relationship was with a guy so ya I have a problem with other guys sending her flirty text messages.

My old lady never had a past relationship with a clown...so I'd be cool with her going to a clown bar....NOT...clowns are just creepy...I don't care who you are.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What about race...like it phucking matters!

If my old lady had a past relationship with a specific race and she was going to a specific race bar then that would be a red flag.....


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The thing that gets me is OP chick lied about her past relationship and yet continued to be involved with that particular relationship /life style.
And OP thought nothing of it.


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