# He's not my husband



## dianejewel (Oct 12, 2012)

When divorce is mentioned by a spouse, has anyone gone from being the one who didn't want the divorce to being the one who is now considering it?

My husband told me he wanted a divorce. Then he decided he needed more time because he wasn't sure if thats what he wanted. Now he flip flops from being nice, to flat out being a jerk. I understand he's trying to gain power and control and maybe he feels like because he's the one who is considering the divorce, the ball is in his court, that he has every right to be mean because if I say or do anything he doesn't like, then he will throw that in my face. I have tried being civil, and I've also tried backing off completely and not speaking to him, and I've tried his approach to pretend everything is fine at times. He goes days completely avoiding me and igoring but got really mad when I did that. But no matter what direction I come from, he seems to always come back to being the jerk, who will do what he wants when he wants and treat me however because again he has the power because he knows I don't want the divorce. But this man is not my husband. I do not know this man. He is like a complete stranger to me and I have gotten to the point that I'm tired of the game. I'm almost to the point of saying, "If you want to act like this, here's your divorce." I think (he hasn't voiced this) that he expects me to do all the work to fix our marriage and to kiss his ass and then things will be fine. When in reality we didn't get to this point because of just me, and it takes more than just me to fix things.

Is this a typical feeling that most go through when you're the one who didn't want a divorce to begin with??? I love my husband very much, I don't want to end things. But how long does one put up with this???


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## submike (Oct 17, 2012)

I'm right there with you. My wife gave me the "I love you but not in love with you" line. I'm gonna keep going until I know I can wake up in the morning knowing that I did what was best for me and my children. I guess only I know when that time will be, my feelings change by the minute for my marriage.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

dianejewel said:


> When divorce is mentioned by a spouse, has anyone gone from being the one who didn't want the divorce to being the one who is now considering it?
> 
> My husband told me he wanted a divorce. Then he decided he needed more time because he wasn't sure if thats what he wanted. Now he flip flops from being nice, to flat out being a jerk. I understand he's trying to gain power and control and maybe he feels like because he's the one who is considering the divorce, the ball is in his court, that he has every right to be mean because if I say or do anything he doesn't like, then he will throw that in my face. I have tried being civil, and I've also tried backing off completely and not speaking to him, and I've tried his approach to pretend everything is fine at times. He goes days completely avoiding me and igoring but got really mad when I did that. But no matter what direction I come from, he seems to always come back to being the jerk, who will do what he wants when he wants and treat me however because again he has the power because he knows I don't want the divorce. But this man is not my husband. I do not know this man. He is like a complete stranger to me and I have gotten to the point that I'm tired of the game. I'm almost to the point of saying, "If you want to act like this, here's your divorce." I think (he hasn't voiced this) that he expects me to do all the work to fix our marriage and to kiss his ass and then things will be fine. When in reality we didn't get to this point because of just me, and it takes more than just me to fix things.
> 
> Is this a typical feeling that most go through when you're the one who didn't want a divorce to begin with??? I love my husband very much, I don't want to end things. But how long does one put up with this???


Just a possibility:

He really wants a divorce, is being a jerk to you so that you file for the divorce.

This way he doesn't get to be the "bad guy."

I was in a long term unhappy marriage. We both wanted a divorce & I wanted my husband to file "first." He refused because he is all about having a perfect image so I eventually filed.

My advice to you is don't file for a divorce if you do not want one but don't allow him to treat you poorly.


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## dianejewel (Oct 12, 2012)

I was kind of starting to wonder that same thing. Whether he was trying to push me to be the one to file. And if I did, then in the end he would still be getting the result he wants, a divorce, he would just be able to put more blame on me. He keeps telling me he doesn't know what he wants, but I think he tells his friends (our friends) and his family something different. They have all completely shut me out and won't talk to me. I have heard this is common, but thought that would be more of an after divorce effect. So it doesn't make sense to me. I asked him at one point if this was his intention and of course he told me no but that was an expected answer.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If he can't make up his mind, then make it for him.

It's not cool to be jerked around with something as serious as a divorce. I told my ex to be sure when he filed "because guess what: as soon as I put down $ for a lawyer, it's all over baby. "

The day I went in to pay $ to retain a lawyer, I knew that was it. Game over. I had enough of the back and forth and game-playing. 

They do this. The waywards. You have to take control back.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

I'm sorry that both of you are going through this. I understand we are only hearing half the story. That being said. Are you going to a MC? Are you communicating why you are giving him distance? Tell him (if you do) that you care about him and are willing to give him distance to work it out. 

I am not trying to make it sound like you are the bad or good person in this. It just feels like there is a lot of questions unanswered. The only thing I am sure of is both of you are extremely emotional right now. (He's flip-flopping, and you are just tired of it.)


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## dianejewel (Oct 12, 2012)

We have gone to MC in the past. The first person we saw neither one of us really cared for, and it was about a year or so before we went back and saw someone new, but that didn't work out either. The second time we went was during a time we were separated. But we agreed to separate to give each other some breathing room and go to counseling, not because we were divorcing. He then decided he was single and started talking to a bunch of women and then cheated on me with one of them. When I found out, that's when he was quick to say, "we were divorcing, I was single." No, it wasn't like that. There was no mention of divorce back then until he got caught. So because he didn't like what the counselor had to say about how he tried to justify his actions, he quit going. He wanted her to say I was wrong for being mad. I have a tendency to get really upset about small things sometimes. He will always try to tell me why I am I wrong for being upset. He doesn't understand that I may be wrong for my reactions to why I'm upset, but you cannot tell me I'm wrong for feeling a way I do. He always tells me I'm wrong for my feelings or emotions. It doesn't make any sense to me. Anyways, I am going to individual counseling, and have been taking certain steps to change me. I have asked him about going back to MC and he literally says nothing.

I have tried to tell him very calmly and nicely that I was simply giving him the space that he wanted. He told me to leave him alone and that's what I did. He will at times refuse to talk to me, but when he does speak he expects an answer. And I do answer, but I try to keep it short to avoid a fight, and he tells me I am being mean. 

I know I am very emotional with everything as a whole. I have literally been cut off from almost everyone that was a part of our life, and he seems to enjoy that fact. When I'm hurting, it's like he thrives off it, like it gives him the greatest thrill. And then he all of a sudden will act like nothing is wrong and wants to hang out with me, or talk to me, or does nice things for me. He even told me at one point that he cannot or does not want to picture his life without me, but the next sentence was he didn't know what he wanted. So I don't know that I would say he is emotional. I don't know what he's feeling, but like I said most of the time I don't even know this man.


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## dianejewel (Oct 12, 2012)

I just wanted to update that over these last couple of days, I tried to once again put our differences aside to try and just get along. He took me out to dinner one night and a movie, we did some shopping together and etc.. Last night we went out with some friends and things were pretty good but then he started to act really distant towards me as the night went on, like he didn't want me around, and really wouldn't get near me or pay much attention to me. Then today things were so so ok, and then we got into an argument. So I need some advice on my actions and his actions. 

First, my actions: His brother has a girlfriend that hates me. Not only me, but I think she has made enemies with everyone that she comes into contact with. Most of the time his own brother doesn't like his own girlfriend. And she gets mad about dumb stuff, she lies all the time, and she's not a good person. And if you're not kissing her butt she doesn't like you and gets really mad. And when she gets mad she doesn't allow the brothers to hang out and limits their contact. So the last two times we have gone through this, I have sucked it up and went to her to talk about things, and then everything is fine for awhile until she gets upset about something. Well, this time I have put my foot down. I feel like if she does not want anything to do with me and she wants to be like that, then I will keep my distance. Why should I keep going out of my way to kiss her butt to make things better. I have before for the sake of my husbands relationship with his brother. But now I'm at a point where I can't keep doing this. How long am I supposed do this?? I don't even know why she's mad. I have said basically if she wants to grow up and come talk to me about things and why she is mad, then I am more than willing to do so. But I'm tired of guessing what she's upset about now and trying to make amends. So my husband has said that I am acting childish because I refuse to go around her, or want to try and extend my hand at inviting them to do things. So in turn he is really upset with me, but refused to talk about things or let me tell him my point of view. So I feel as though he is not being supportive of me, or has my back. And that really hurt me.

So now his actions: He now refuses to talk to me about anything. About this situation or our marriage issues. Once again he is tuning me out and says theres nothing to talk about and to just leave him alone.

So I am now out of anger and hurt taking the stance of "don't talk to me at all until you're ready to talk about our problems". And he said ok, he's fine with that. But I know what is coming by tomorrow, he will get really mad that I'm not talking to him, and will tell me that I'm being mean to put it nice. But yet it's completely ok in his eyes for him to not talk to me.

Am I acting childish about the brothers girlfriend situation like he says??? Am I wrong for taking my stance??? Is it normal for people going through marriage problems to not talk about the problems at all and just hope things get better??? Because thats what he wants. In this house we are not allowed to talk about emotions or feelings or problems. And now I sit here and ponder my original question...how long can I continue to live like this and just hope it gets better?? Maybe he is pushing me to file for divorce?? He's back to the man I don't know.


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## abcdef (Apr 30, 2011)

When i read your intial post it felt as if i had witten it because that is exactly what is going on with my marriage. we have a toddler t and i am scared of what a separation or divorce will do to her.i stopped going to counseling individually and marriage because i felt i had an understand of my issues and was just so tired of talking and in marriage counseling it was always what im doing wrong and if the counselor said say something good she has done he will mention that then say but she does this wrong. he wants me to be interested in things he likes-like cars-we go to a car show and i am telling him things i like and dislike and on the way home he wants me to name the car i liked the best-heck i didnt know i was getting quizzed! i just dont know what to do-especially since we have a toddler.


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## dianejewel (Oct 12, 2012)

I'm right there with you with the kid thing. Only our little girl is actually his step daughter. The biggest thing though that tears me apart is that, she considers him to be her daddy. She has very little contact with her biological dad, she knows that's her "dad" but she calls him by first name. Her and my husband are more like each other's bestfriend and have an amazing bond to each other. He has raised her since she was in diapers and she's six now. I can't force him to be in her life, but would never try to cut that relationship because he's the best daddy in the world. We separated once in the past awhile back and even then he still picked her up from school twice a week and took her every other weekend. Since the topic of divorce has been brought up in our house he at one point said he was going to fight for visitations, which I never understood why he needed to "fight" it, I would allow it no questions asked. And then at one point said he didn't know if he could be involved with her because it would hurt too much and if I started dating or ever remarried then it would be too many daddy's in the picture. I understand what he's saying but I don't like it, because I know how it will effect her. She's not going to care about any other guy, she wants him in her life. They do everything together, like I said they are each other's best friend.


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