# hi...new and need help



## AloneGamerWife (Jun 1, 2011)

My marriage is in shambles at the moment and i'm looking for help anywhere I can get it. 
I've been married for 12 years and we have 2 preteen children. I am 30 years old(yes married at 18 and had our first son soon after.)
My husband works 12 hours a day. About 4 months ago, we both decided we needed to make a lifestyle change and we started to work out daily. He would go after work-which means, for 14 hours a day, he would not be home. 
I've been a gamer since we first got together, he introduced me to it. (video games) yes I realize our relationship is opposite as he no longer likes to game. I love making friends on the game also. And here i will strongly put that YES it was strictly friends absolutely nothing beyond friends. Not even once, and I would never even think of letting it go that far.
So anyway, the last few months have been hard on us since we don't see each other. Last week, he came home crying that he feels he's been replaced by the game and insists I give it up and not play with my friends anymore. 
Since he works so much, I stay at home and I am the typical housewife. I don't ever go out with any friends because I have none off my games. I never go out to clubs, I never do anything without him. 
I responded to him that he was being selfish and that this was the life we chose..that he would work and I would stay home. That I have not replaced him, but just found something I love to fill my time alone. He insists it's because I don't love him at all that I play my games.
After about week of him crying about this I moved into our guest bedroom and told him I wanted out. This isn't the first time he's tried to put me in a little box and make me just stay home bored to death with nothing to do. I'm not allowed to have friends at all. I feel like a child in our relationship.
We have talked about this and he has apologized for making me feel like that, but we still cannot get past the anger and sadness between us.
We agreed to start marriage counseling next week, but our insurance only pays for 6 sessions, and we cannot afford more then that. Will that be enough? Is there any saving a marriage where one feels controlled? Is it because he's depressed or is it us?
I NEED HELP!


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Go out and MAKE friends.


----------



## AloneGamerWife (Jun 1, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> Go out and MAKE friends.


I can't...I'm not supposed to have friends. Married people don't have friends. 
He is a hermit...and he thinks I should be that way too.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

It is not clear what he wants. He wants you not to play the game? When you say married people don't have friends, are you being serious, or is this his opinion.

Honestly it sounds crazy. He sounds like an insecure nut job. No kids. Run.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

PS look for early signs of abuser actions because isolating is the first.


----------



## AloneGamerWife (Jun 1, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> It is not clear what he wants. He wants you not to play the game? When you say married people don't have friends, are you being serious, or is this his opinion.
> 
> Honestly it sounds crazy. He sounds like an insecure nut job. No kids. Run.


That is his opinion. and I have 2 children, and I have no job. 
No offense to your opinion, but I really want to make this marriage work. Or at least try. I've told him that if this doesn't work, I am leaving because I feel so controlled.

And he took the game from me actually.He doesn't want me to play it at all.


----------



## AloneGamerWife (Jun 1, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> PS look for early signs of abuser actions because isolating is the first.


can you explain this comment further? We have been married for 12 years...Wouldn't signs have shown already?


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

AloneGamerWife said:


> I can't...I'm not supposed to have friends. Married people don't have friends.
> He is a hermit...and he thinks I should be that way too.


I game as well and the wife doesn't get it either.... although she will play MK with me. This is what I do. I set aside gaming time for when she is unavailable, I also try to keep the time I spend gaming to a reasonable level. I work long hrs as well I just see gaming as a harmless release. BTW... try to drag his a$$ outside..I was a hermit too and didn't know what I was missing by having a social life.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Yes I would think so that you would have seen signs if he were an abuser.

Would it help to simply go make friends over his objections as a means of setting a personal boundary for yourself?


----------



## AloneGamerWife (Jun 1, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> I game as well and the wife doesn't get it either.... although she will play MK with me. This is what I do. I set aside gaming time for when she is unavailable, I also try to keep the time I spend gaming to a reasonable level. I work long hrs as well I just see gaming as a harmless release. BTW... try to drag his a$$ outside..I was a hermit too and didn't know what I was missing by having a social life.


See...I was playing only when he was gone. But then he started to get upset that I was 'hiding' something, so I gamed at night a couple times. That just seemed to make it worse. I wanted to show him he has nothing to worry about, but it backfired.


----------



## AloneGamerWife (Jun 1, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> Yes I would think so that you would have seen signs if he were an abuser.
> 
> Would it help to simply go make friends over his objections as a means of setting a personal boundary for yourself?


This is what I need to find out. Should I do it anyway, at the risk of losing him? I'm 30 years old..i'm still young! Too young to be hidden in 4 walls with no friends!


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

AloneGamerWife said:


> See...I was playing only when he was gone. But then he started to get upset that I was 'hiding' something, so I gamed at night a couple times. That just seemed to make it worse. I wanted to show him he has nothing to worry about, but it backfired.


So either way he is jealous? Hmmm. Does he seem like a needy guy? What I mean by that is does he need to be the center of your world? I have no problem with my wife having other interests than me ( as long as she keeps her pants on). Something else is making him insecure and your gaming is his scapegoat. Talk with him... ask him what he needs.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You guys will have to find a compromise. He told you straight up you are not allowed to have friends??


----------



## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> PS look for early signs of abuser actions because isolating is the first.





AloneGamerWife said:


> can you explain this comment further? We have been married for 12 years...Wouldn't signs have shown already?





Mom6547 said:


> Yes I would think so that you would have seen signs if he were an abuser.


Neither of you are getting it. AloneGamerWife HAS seen signs of abuse, and she has been living with it all these years. This isn't a question that can be asked and answered unless one of the people in the discussion knows what the signs of abuse are in order to scope and define what has been going on.

Hasn't he disallowed that she have any friends/relationships outside the marriage and home? That means he has isolated her from the outside world.

And now, he is trying to dictate what she can and cannot do while he is away from the house.

Also, with him as the breadwinner, I will bet he also controls the money - being the sole decision maker of where it is spent and how much.

Whatever has been going on, AloneGamerWife, you have pretty much acquiesced and gone along with what he says. That you feel like a child in the relationship is also a sign of abuse, but I don't understand your comment. To say you "_feel like a child in our relationship_" is a broad statement, yet you only complained about this incident about your gaming habits. You didn't even complain that he won't *ALLOW* you to have friends. He said no friends and you did as you were told. Why have you acted like his child - living your life by his permission?

1. Google the Power and Control Wheel of Abuse
You will recognize this isolation tendency of abusers, and you might recognize other ways in which he controls you. You mention two of them here - won't allow outside friends and trying to control what you do. There may be others you didn't realize were actually power and control tactics.

2. Then look up "mental abuse" and/or "emotional abuse" so you fully understand what it is and what to do about it.

______________________

There is a saying that women marry their father. Most people take it to mean that women marry men who look like their father or act like their father. But, that's not what it means. It means men have a tendency to exert power and control over their woman.....as if she is a child, and women have a tendency to acquiesce.....as if he is her father. Women do this whether the relationship is abusive or not. It is all too often that women make statements like "He won't allow me to . . ." or "He won't let me . . ." or "He said I can't . . ." or "I asked him if I could . . ." I see men on these boards make statements like "I told her she could do such and such" or "I let her do such and such." 

The problem is women GIVE the men this power.....as if she is a child and he's her father. They hand their power over to him on a silver platter. I have no idea what makes women act this way as if they married daddy.

This is what you have been doing. I'm glad you are resisting this issue now of him trying to make you stop playing the game(s). But you have to understand that nothing in your life is left to his permission or approval, or you will continue to feel like a child in the relationship. Stop handing him this kind of power over you. You don't have to feel this way just because he is the breadwinner. The two of you made THAT decision together. Everything else about your marriage and life together should be of mutual respect and mutual decision-making.

Now, if him being the breadwinner makes you afraid to stand up to him and afraid he will leave you, then just forget everything I said. Nothing is going to convince you over your fear, especially a fear that drives you in the first place.


----------



## AloneGamerWife (Jun 1, 2011)

It's so easy for everyone to say "Why did you give your power to him?" 
"why are you still there"
"why do you want to make this work instead of running away?"
i love this man, and it's just gotten worse over the years. He's sick I truely believe and he needs help. Maybe we both are sick. 
I have always just wanted it easier...it's easier to just ignore the signs, for the kids. I swore to them mommy and daddy would never get divorced like my parents. 
Yes, he's said to me I cannot have friends. In the last few days we have talked, he thinks I should sit home bored while he works. I should not have fun. He even got jealous of me wanting to take my son bowling since the older one is at his friend's house. Because he can't be there too. I feel bad because he works so hard. 
I actually run the finances, it is the smallest thing he will let me do. And that is because we are so far in debt from a computer game he plays. And sadly, it's all in my name. 
I'm scared to leave ofc, because I know that any court would give my kids to him. I don't have a job, and I haven't worked in 4 years. I'll do anything to keep my kids. 
At 12 , my mother walked away from her children. Said she didn't want us anymore. I can't do that to my kids.
I'm so scared but I am putting my foot and saying enough is enough. I'm finally standing up for myself. Something inside of me woke up and realized that I'm tired of laying down and being stepped on. It's my turn to be the one in charge of me. I want to do what I want without feeling GUILT.
So to all of you lovely posts, i'm sorry that I haven't been strong enough before. But I am now.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

The courts would not necessarily give you the kids. But that is beside the point since you say you love him.

Please understand that I am not saying this is easy. I can fully imagine you getting here little baby step at a time and now you are saying holy crap how did I get here.

Can you get him to go to MC with you? If not, you go. Tell him he is welcome at any time. Often people are so worried about what the spouse is saying about them that they will wind up going.

The hope is that he can see his controlling for what it is through the help of a counselor, and barring that help you get your head squared away to figure out what you need/want to do.

Don't let your children think this is the way a marriage should be.

Good luck. Keep us posted.


----------

