# Been a While. Alot has happened



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I havent posted in a few months. Things have been a huge mess. I've moved out 4 times, since July. 

I suspected something going on and I was right. However its not exactly what I thought it was. My husband confessed while i was staying with my mother in July that he's addicted to porn. Tried to work things out. Ended up leaving again in August... He promised he'd stop and get help blah blah. I left 2 more times since. 

This has been going on for YEARS. Everything that has gone on atleast the last 9 years makes more sence then it ever has. However i dont know how to recover. Im stuck in this endless mind ****... 

Trust is non existant. Hes lied to me for years, placed the blame on me. Denial. I feel like i am not good enough, too old, i feel pretty much worthless. My depression is at an all time high (ive never felt this way before) i am in counseling and so is he. It helps. But..... There is so much i have been unable to get out because i cant find the words to express how i feel. The rage i have been experiencing. Its not just anger. Pure uncontrolable rage it masks what lies beneath. Feelings are very hard for me, because ive burried them my entire life. 

I know most people think that porn isnt a huge deal. Mans right to do so and blah blah blah. Addiction is a huge problem. It destroys lives. Its like being addicted to a drug. The signs are the same as if they are drug addicts. In reality they are drug addicts.... 

My husband started viewing porn at the age of 10! It's been in his life, from childhood. His parents, his older brothers. 

I dont know where we go from her. I don't even know if we can move beyond this. All the lies is what i really stuggled with..... I dont know if i can move on....


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Porn is a problem if you deem that porn is a problem! I get so tired of people saying that others shouldn’t have a problem with porn unless it messes with your sex life. I call BS. If you don’t want your spouse wanking off to the image of another woman – I’m pretty sure you have that right. Anywho – I suspect what is probably the MAIN problem is the lies and the hiding of it. In what ways did he lie?


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

No its become a huge problem. Hes up in the middle of the night almost every night. He works early in the am. He's not sleeping. And he is so tired when he comes home he doesn't help with anything, because hes up all night....

Our sex was non existant for years and when id ask him, he'd never give me a strait answer. Became distant.. Starting picking fights with me, being snappy and irratible for no reason.. 

So yes it is a PROBLEM


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@ladybird I am so sorry that this is happening to you.

We'll be here for you.

And are you certain that porn is his only vice?


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Mattmatt

To be honest i have no idea.. I dont think hes telling the entire story. I think there is more. But could be because hes lied to my face coutless times.. I asked him if he had a porn addiction and he flat out lied to my face before he told me. Caught him quite a few other lies as well..


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

He swears up and down hes never cheated on me but he also swore he wasnt doing anything "bad" behind my back.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ladybird said:


> He swears up and down hes never cheated on me but he also swore he wasnt doing anything "bad" behind my back.


Maybe it's true but lots of times a technique of lairs is to confess to a small sin to avoid telling the big one. He moves out because he is addicted to porn? Are you guys very religious or something? To me moving out is to ramp up his addiction or because he already has and is cheating.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

sokillme said:


> Maybe it's true but lots of times a technique of lairs is to confess to a small sin to avoid telling the big one. He moves out because he is addicted to porn? Are you guys very religious or something? To me moving out is to ramp up his addiction or because he already has and is cheating.


 He didn't move out, I did. I agree trickle truth. Not religious. I do believe that there could be another woman or more involved. Not entirely sure to be honest


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

LosingHim said:


> Porn is a problem if you deem that porn is a problem! I get so tired of people saying that others shouldn’t have a problem with porn unless it messes with your sex life. I call BS. If you don’t want your spouse wanking off to the image of another woman – I’m pretty sure you have that right. Anywho – I suspect what is probably the MAIN problem is the lies and the hiding of it. In what ways did he lie?


And 'most' men *would not* want their wives wanking off to images of men. A double standard.

This behavior is an Ego Buster, if nothing else.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

There doesn’t have to be another woman if this hurts you enough in itself. I rarely suggest separation or divorce, but maybe you should separate for a minimum of 6 months with the “[email protected] he gets counseling or it’s over.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I’m so sorry honey. This is a terrible mess. It really doesn’t sound like you have much to save here. He is an addict, he isn’t stopping. You don’t deserve this blatant infidelity. You have established the ground rules. They are fair, but he doesn’t want to follow them. He has chosen what he wants.

You deserve a man who loves and wants YOU.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, porn addiction is a major problem and there are people who are willing to divorce over it. 

I don't mean this in a snarky way at all -- but why would believe him enough to move back four times since July?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

ladybird said:


> No its become a huge problem. Hes up in the middle of the night almost every night. He works early in the am. He's not sleeping. And he is so tired when he comes home he doesn't help with anything, because hes up all night....
> 
> Our sex was non existant for years and when id ask him, he'd never give me a strait answer. Became distant.. Starting picking fights with me, being snappy and irratible for no reason..
> 
> So yes it is a PROBLEM


I'm a man and I agree with you


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> My husband started viewing porn at the age of 10! It's been in his life, from childhood. His parents, his older brothers.
> 
> Trust is non existant. Hes lied to me for years, placed the blame on me. Denial. I feel like i am not good enough, too old, i feel pretty much worthless. My depression is at an all time high (ive never felt this way before) i am in counseling and so is he.
> 
> Pure uncontrolable rage it masks what lies beneath


Ladybird, here is my opinion:

Your husband has zero chance of beating his addition unless he gets a lot of help and works at it for a LONG LONG time.

Your state of being as you described above is way to damaging to you and you need to take actions NOW. You are torn down a lot and are weak so do not hesitate and get ALL the help that you can from ALL sources on line and in your community. This web site is not enough for you to get a lot better. There is a saying for people that are wandering if they should take strong actions and it goes like this. You are either going to lose your face (be humble and get help) or you will lose your AZZ!

Your husband is a liar and a porn addict and he is not going to change anytime soon. You have to think of only you as your current situation is destroying you. *Focus on you getting better without any apologies! Lots of women have been in your shoes and have taken action and got a lot better and so can you.*


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

ladybird said:


> ....My husband confessed while i was staying with my mother in July that he's addicted to porn.
> 
> ....The rage i have been experiencing. Its not just anger. Pure uncontrolable rage it masks what lies beneath. Feelings are very hard for me, because ive burried them my entire life.
> 
> ...


You are absolutely right that addictions destroy lives. It doesn't matter if it is food, drugs, alcohol, the feel good sex hormones that come from some porn. 

There are lots of spouse addiction support groups out there and they help the families of many addicts. At least you wouldn't feel alone and may benefit from what others have been through.

Here is a small sampling you might want to see if there are any local support groups. I can't speak for the quality or legitimacy of any of them, so be cautious.

https://slaafws.org/family

Help for Spouses and Partners of Sex Addicts

HealthyMind.com - Help for spouses and partners of sex addicts

https://www.addictionhope.com/sexual-addiction/silent-suffering-sex-addiction-marriage/

Also some sex therapists have specialties in porn addiction. You might consider trying to find one in your area.

Good luck,


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

LosingHim said:


> There doesn’t have to be another woman if this hurts you enough in itself. I rarely suggest separation or divorce, but maybe you should separate for a minimum of 6 months with the “[email protected] he gets counseling or it’s over.




I've been really thinking about divorse. I have all the paper work already filled out and signed by me. I am hesitant on filing it. I am so angry more like pure blind rage. And they say dont make a decision while in this state, think about it for 30 days. 

He already told me he won't sign it and he will fight it every witch way to drag it out for as long as possible.... I am just so frustrated. I feel broken and lost and completely.... i cant even find the word.... 

He is in counseling and so am I.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Openminded said:


> Yes, porn addiction is a major problem and there are people who are willing to divorce over it.
> 
> 
> I don't mean this in a snarky way at all -- but why would believe him enough to move back four times since July?


In some cases divorse is the only option, to save oneself from irreversible damage. I am almost at that point. 

It is not my job to babysit a grown man to make sure he makes the correct choices. I am not his mother, dont want to be. 

Good question. I'm not ready to give up. I do believe he does Love me (i didn't before). Even after everything i still love him... We've also been together a long time (20 years) along time to be in the dark.. 

He knows the consequences. This is the last time. His chances have been all used up. He may mean well, but he needs to be honest. Its been explained in detail. Ive told him if he ****s up, he needs to come to me and tell me before i find out about it. But that will probably never happen..

I cant continue to live in such a manner. This has turned me into something dark. My light has turned into darkness. My soul is damaged. This has turned me into a paraniod, suspicious nut job..


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Young at Heart said:


> You are absolutely right that addictions destroy lives. It doesn't matter if it is food, drugs, alcohol, the feel good sex hormones that come from some porn.
> 
> There are lots of spouse addiction support groups out there and they help the families of many addicts. At least you wouldn't feel alone and may benefit from what others have been through.
> 
> ...


 Thank you!! I found a support group on facebook. I will check all the links out. Thank you very much


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

ladybird said:


> I've been really thinking about divorse. I have all the paper work already filled out and signed by me. I am hesitant on filing it. I am so angry more like pure blind rage. And they say dont make a decision while in this state, think about it for 30 days.
> 
> He already told me he won't sign it and he will fight it every witch way to drag it out for as long as possible.... I am just so frustrated. I feel broken and lost and completely.... i cant even find the word....
> 
> He is in counseling and so am I.


I understand. My husband used to watch porn and then lie about it. I never had a problem with porn until it came with lies. I would find it and he would lie and I would see red. My husband has cheated on me and I can tell you that with the amount of sneaking, lying and hiding that he did - it hurt almost as bad as finding out about his infidelity. I would beg him to just be honest and he'd lie again. 

It is ok to feel the way that you do about this. It is ok if this is a deal breaker for you. To me, if my husband is lying and hiding the porn he's watching, it makes me insecure. "All men watch porn" was something I'd always thought. But not all men lied and hid porn. And that part of it made me incredibly insecure and I felt like less of a woman for a very long time.

I almost left my husband over porn. But I thought I was crazy, that I was insecure, that I was just overreacting so I never did. 

Why is he saying he would fight you and drag it out? That doesn't sound like a man that wants to fix things? Maybe that's part of your rage?


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## Bianca Stella (Sep 26, 2017)

Yes, men watch porn and yes, they are secretive about it. I have said this before and I will say it again, theres are 2 types of men, those who watch porn and those who will watch porn. Now, lets focus on YOU. What do YOU want? What about YOUR dreams, desires, needs? 
I obsess too but at least I have great sex with my husband. Why are you with him? Be brave and go live your life away from that addict who doesnt please you.
Workout, eat healthy, detox yourself emotionally and why not? Go have fun.
Didnt see if you have kids but if you do, they dont deserve this.
Your man sounds like a real loser and you?ll never trust him alone with a device.
I would say that it would be terrible if he was actually chatting with someone or having online sex, but in his case, he sounds like he is completely checked out from the marriage and devoted to porn. File for divorce. Nothing will change until YOU change it. I am sending you a virtual hug, A face comes to mind when I read lady bird. Have a good weekend and please focus on YOU.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

ladybird said:


> I'm not ready to give up. I do believe he does Love me (i didn't before). Even after everything i still love him... We've also been together a long time (20 years) along time to be in the dark.


Here's the thing Ladybird; your old man may love you but either not enough to give it up, or a least curtail porn, or he doesn't believe you're really going to enforce your demands. The proof is you leave and shortly come moseying back. Why should he take your threats serious? The reason you're depressed and pissed off is not his lying about it. You know he's likely going to lie. Your problem is desire to believe him with no evidence and putting yourself directly in the path of getting snookered.
Take my word for it me lady, he ain't going to change until the pain of his "habit" is greater than the joy he feels from it. Sounds harsh but true--people always behave in their own interest. If that weren't true, you'd simply allow him to enjoy his addiction and the sacrifice you make because of your love for him. In short, he won't change for you; he may do it out of fear of losing you.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

LosingHim said:


> I understand. My husband used to watch porn and then lie about it. I never had a problem with porn until it came with lies. I would find it and he would lie and I would see red. My husband has cheated on me and I can tell you that with the amount of sneaking, lying and hiding that he did - it hurt almost as bad as finding out about his infidelity. I would beg him to just be honest and he'd lie again.
> 
> It is ok to feel the way that you do about this. It is ok if this is a deal breaker for you. To me, if my husband is lying and hiding the porn he's watching, it makes me insecure. "All men watch porn" was something I'd always thought. But not all men lied and hid porn. And that part of it made me incredibly insecure and I felt like less of a woman for a very long time.
> 
> ...


 He says he'd fight and drag it out, because he doesn't want a divorse. He said i will never sign divorse papers because he doesnt want one. Luckily for me i dont need his signature to file... The papers are at my mothers house.

Its not so much the porn i have issues with. casual use is fine. But addiction is a totally different ball park. Like a drug addict waiting for their next fix and nothing else matters to them other then the next high. Every aspect of our relationship changed. He became a stranger, cold and distant. We were very close at one time and that is what hurts the most. Hes thrown it all away for what??? For something he can never even touch.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

ladybird said:


> He says he'd fight and drag it out, because he doesn't want a divorse. He said i will never sign divorse papers because he doesnt want one. Luckily for me i dont need his signature to file... The papers are at my mothers house.
> 
> Its not so much the porn i have issues with. casual use is fine. But addiction is a totally different ball park. Like a drug addict waiting for their next fix and nothing else matters to them other then the next high. Every aspect of our relationship changed. He became a stranger, cold and distant. We were very close at one time and that is what hurts the most. Hes thrown it all away for what??? For something he can never even touch.


I thought my husband was addicted, but I don’t think anymore that it was an addiction. He just watched it a lot. He was young when we started dating (21) and his drive was higher than anyone else I’d been with. He’d been watching it since he was 15 and he’s very visually stimulated. But I later found out that to him, porn just served one purpose and that was an escape. He had something very bad happen to him when he was 15 and porn allowed him to live in a fantasy world for 15-20 minutes where there was only one thing he was worried about. It didn’t excuse the LYING about the porn, but it explained the fact that he used it often. It didn’t affect our sex life though. He remained very high drive through it all. The lying was what I couldn’t deal with. I finally just accepted that he watched porn. I stopped trying to ‘force’ him to tell me the truth about it. I just stopped asking and looking. He’s more open about it now than he’s ever been. I’m NOT saying that’s the way you need to handle it. Lord knows my marriage is not great. That’s just how my story ended up. 

So he would fight you tooth and nail and make your life hell because he doesn’t want a divorce. Hmmmmm, is that the way he shows his love? It’s good that he’s in counseling for it, but until he has that ‘aha’ moment, nothing is going to change.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

Had a church friend who became addicted to porn and it nearly ended his marriage.

It is a problem, anything that it takes away intimacy is a problem. He openned up to me and said he was doing it because he'd watch things he couldn't do with his wife. I didn't want to know what exactly. They went through counseling and are still married.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

LosingHim said:


> If you don’t want your spouse wanking off to the image of another woman – I’m pretty sure you have that right.


LOL.

We need to be *realistic* here. Any woman who thinks she has a 'right' to control what her husband looks at, when he looks at it, what he fantasizes about when he's looking at it and what he *does* when he's looking at it, is downright delusional.

Come on. What's the next step - putting blinders on him? Taking away his phone and computer like he's 10 years old and only letting him use them under your supervision? Perhaps making him wear a male chastity belt so he can't touch himself without your knowledge or consent? 

I wouldn't even be able to keep a straight face trying to tell my husband these are the new rules from now on. I'm sure we'd both have a good laugh at it, though. :grin2:


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Some people just don't get it... Or know what the word "addiction" means.

So in other words you would be ok with your husband watchong porn all hours of the night, every night. neglect you sexually, emotionally, psycically? 
Pull away emotionally. Make you feel like you're inadequate. To abandon you in every aspect of the word and leave you wondering what in the **** happened? With little to no explanation as to why..?.. I dont know any man or woman who would ever put up with that... 


I dont have issues with porn in general that is not what the issue is at all. Casual and addiction are two very different things. With an addiction they cant just view for 5 or 10 minutes. They view for hours! Lack of sleep because they are up all night, even though they have to be up at 2 am to go to work. You can have sex 10 times a days for months and they would still view porn several times a day.. They become withdrawn and emotional detatched. Interfering with not just their marriages but friends and family. They isolate themselves...... Just like a sterotypical drug addict.

I forgot to add that porn addiction/sex addict has very little to do with sex..


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL.
> 
> We need to be *realistic* here. Any woman who thinks she has a 'right' to control what her husband looks at, when he looks at it, what he fantasizes about when he's looking at it and what he *does* when he's looking at it, is downright delusional.
> 
> ...


I never said that anyone had a ‘right’ to ‘control’ what someone else looked at. 

However, ANYONE has the right to say that they don’t want to be with someone who watches porn. There is nothing wrong with saying to someone that you’re not comfortable with them watching it and they can either take it or leave it. If they choose to continue to watch it, she can choose to not be with that person. It’s a boundary just like any other. No different than someone saying they don’t want to be with a drinker, gambler or smoker.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

LosingHim said:


> I never said that anyone had a ‘right’ to ‘control’ what someone else looked at.
> 
> However, ANYONE has the right to say that they don’t want to be with someone who watches porn. There is nothing wrong with saying to someone that you’re not comfortable with them watching it and they can either take it or leave it. If they choose to continue to watch it, she can choose to not be with that person. It’s a boundary just like any other. No different than someone saying they don’t want to be with a drinker, gambler or smoker.


 One of my husbands boundries was i can't have male friends..... So i dropped all my male friends for him. The percentage of male friends vs woman was 99.5%. All my friends were male, except one. 

I personally think if you have to hide something no matter what that "something" is from your partner maybe you shouldnt do it in the first place. Because if u are hiding it you know it's wrong doing it in the first place.. 

Just like i wouldn't tolerate being married to a man whos hooked on drugs or an alcoholic..... Its damn near the same thing... It doesnt matter what the addiction is....


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