# Is Sex the glue, & what if you lose it?



## gizmo (Apr 4, 2009)

I am really glad that I have found this forum, I enjoyed reading the threads so much I decided to join so that I could talk about my current situation, there seems to be some sound advice here.
A little bit of background…. My hubby and I have been together for 5 years this Sunday. I am 25 and he is 37, and we are raising his two young teenage kids together. For the first 3 years of our relationship we were very much in love, we had the perfect relationship or so I thought - at that time we had a very passionate relationship too. In a nut shell basically we have been through a ton in the short amount of time we have been together, two hip replacement surgeries for him both times (one of which was botched and took him 6+ mo to recover from....mind you I’m barely 21 and taking care finically of us all), two major car accidents, i have worked so hard over the past 5 years to dig him out of his financial situation, I've lost my father and grandmother in the last two years and to spare you all a novel, let's just say that Murphy moved in our spare bedroom and has pretty much been a permanent resident. 

My in-laws have caused me much grief, my mother in law is a very controlling person and we live behind her and she has constantly judged me from day one, she gossips about me to our kids and has an eagle on everything I do, it is a huge amount of pressure and to boot she is very snide to me and downright ugly at times. My Hubby has tried to have talks with her but it only makes things worse for me and he pretty much just deals with it b/c she’s been that way all his life.

I could go on and on about my in-laws alone. But, here is the reason for my thread......

My husband and I have a happy life together - for the most. We are best friends and we love each other very much, but I feel as though we have fallen out of love. My husband’s family has always “taken care” of him and the kids before I came along and so he has no sense of responsibility, if I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done - except some laundry and house work (he does do that). I have worked 2 jobs now for a year and I feel very unappreciated, they are lots of things that I am frustrated with my hubby and relationship with, too much to list…. BUT as long as we still had a sex life I could deal with anything b.c I had an intimate relationship and a lover to lean on, now I only have a best friend and I am so lonely, I miss that companionship of a lover.

I have talked to my hubby in the last two years more times than I can count, he’s been to the doctor and everything – he downright refuses to sleep with me anymore - I don’t know what the reason is – I have asked him if its b/c I gained some weight during his surgeries or if it is another woman or what - but I really do not think either of those are the issue as my hubby is not the cheating kind and I am still fairly attractive I think…but he has made me sooo insecure. I have begged and cried for him to help me fix this and he’s just too lazy to. His mother and I had a huge falling out in sept and since then my feelings have changed - I’m just not that in it anymore. For the last year I’ve just become less and less sexually attracted to him. And I have begged him to try to help me fix it or I’m afraid one day it will be too late and I’m afraid that time is creeping up on us.

Recently, I have vented my frustrations to a friend of mine (male ) and he has been really supportive, and I feel guilty to a degree for talking to another man about my problems especially the ones about our sex life. This man has been really supportive and recently let me know that he has had an attraction to me all the while…..I’ve since had a talk with him to let him know that I believe this to be inappropriate b/c I need to work on y marriage and cannot with this new info because I have recently found myself attracted to him, and with all my sexual frustration, I do not feel comfortable talking all this over with him anymore, he was completely understanding and has agreed to just be my friend and not “go there” anymore. I will also not be talking with him anymore on a more than normal basis.

I am an extremely sexual person and sex is very important to me – not just sex, but good sex, and I have none. I cannot even remember the last time we slept together. 

Monday we are making an appointment with a counselor, but I’m just not sure we can get it back and this saddens me and is hurtful. I just am lost and do not know what to do.

Sorry this was so long and all over the palce!

Gizmo


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Gizmo..

I'm sorry for what you're going through. The decsion to not speak to this friend that you're developing an attraction for , is a good decision. At least while you're trying to work on your marriage, this will only harm things, and you've made a wise choice I think,

I know how you feel, sort of.... sexual issues in a marriage, are so common, I had no idea until I joined this forum.

If it's not a medical issue, then it's most likely a set of deeper issues that he has decided to close down , sexually. And you're lonely, frustrated, and feel rejected. It's a horrible place to be in. 

If he flat out refuses to fix this, or even try, and he is dead set on not working on this issue, then it will come down to you being willing to live in a marriage that is not fulfilling to you. But, maybe since he's agreed to go to counseling with you, this can be the start.

He does need to put his foot down where his parents are concerned, especially his Mom, she has no business being rude, to his wife. She won't quit till he gets really serious about it, and tells her where she can take her disrepsect of you. In laws are difficult at times, because if they butt in, and the spouse won't do anything to stop it, or doesn't try to stop it with any effort, then the other person.. you.. feels left out, abused, and not protected by your hubby. 

His primary job is to love, honor, and cherish, you, and that partly means protecting you from harm, physical or, mental. And if his Mother is being cruel to you, or mentally harming you... then he ought to step in, and put a stop to it, with serious consequences if she refuses to relent. Like , he just stops having her be a part of his life. this is extreme, but so is her mal treatment of you.

I would never let my Mother treat my husband like this. and if she tried, she would have a very scarce relationship with me. I think if you can resolve some of these in law issues, that the connection between you and hubby, would be a lot more firm, and better grounded. In laws can wreak havoc on a marriage. 

Back to the sex subject though, counseling at this point, is the best thing you can do. And I don't always just tell people to give up and move on... but if he is going to let you go years, without sex, then either it's something you will have to live with, or leave him. And why should you have to live without sex for that long? If it's something you desire. Sex in a marriage is a totally normal expectation, as long as it's not totally infringing on the other's space and rights. If you were demanding sex every day, or 5 times a day, then I could see why he might pull away, if he wasn't on the same page. But, there has to be a happy balance, where both of you are satisfied, and a meet in the middle compromise.

Could you try asking him that he be open to making love with you once a month, and then move it to twice a month, and then once a week, and so on, till you both reach a comfortable spot? 

At first, it might feel like he's doing it out of obligation, or pity. But, once he begins experiencing sex again, and being sexual with you... maybe it will jump start his drive again, and he'll begin to crave it with you again. 

Also, he might be depressed. Depression, can also wreak havoc on a persons sex drive, and once they fall into that rut, it's hard to get back out. 

He might think what he's doing to you is acceptable, but let him know, that non-exsistant sex life in a marriage, is not acceptable, especially when you two are such close friends. And if neither one of you wanted sex, and were both okay with the way things are, then it wouldn't be a big deal. But, you're both still very young, and at least one of you , desires a sexual union from this marriage. No guilt there, don't ever feel like you're in the wrong for desiring. It's how you get there, and get him to want to be with you again. Hopefully the therapist can make him see the lasting damage this has caused. 

The friendship, you both have, is golden, and a firm foundation to a marriage. So, because of your friendship, you have a good chance I think, of fixing this. 

Please just be open and honest with him, and don't expect too much out of him in the beginning. If you're to regain an active sex life, you will have to be very patient with him, and let him work back into it gradually. Please let us know how the counseling goes.

I am thinking of you and yours...


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## gizmo (Apr 4, 2009)

Thank you so much for your reply. 
I am planning on talking to my hubby tonight, since I’ve written last he went out of town at the drop of a hat (on our anniversary) to go to the races here in Texas. I was happy for him in a way to go b/c he mostly does not get to go out and do that sort of thing – but it would have at least been nice for him to give me a rain check on our anniversary…… I am not that picky.

Oh it is the loneliest place in the world, & I kept telling him “please help me fix this or I’m afraid one day it will be too late,” and I honestly am feeling like this is it, especially now that he was gone all weekend, and I’ve had time to be by myself and hang out with some friends (who know the situation, one is going through something similar). I just feel like I’ve fallen out of love and I don’t know that I want it back, I do crave an intimate relationship, just not so much with him anymore. He is like a best friend that I would not sleep with now – I guess it’s a defense mechanism b/c I’ve been rejected so much…… or felt rejected. I just don’t look at him like that anymore, and I don’t know if I can or even want to get that back. After this weekend I think I’ve just decided to move out…… I can hardly believe I am saying this! It is so heartbreaking. I want to try the counseling first though for sure.
I would do the same if it were my mother treating him this way too; she has seriously almost given me a mental breakdown a few times. I’m just so done with her, no matter what I do I will never be good enough for her period, no matter what I do and I have come to terms with that as hard as it is.

Back to the Sex thing, I have already decided that I am not willing to live in an unfulfilling marriage and I have told him this before. I’ve got one life to live and I don’t want to live it alone and abstinent, I have needs too and sex is one of them. It’s so sad to think that for whatever reason my hubby just stopped wanting to have sex with me, that whole thought just really messes with my head. What’s even worse is he can’t even tell me why we’ve stopped. Maybe he is depressed, that would make some sense. Our life has been full of stress for the most part anyway and I’ve not always dealt with it in a constructive manner, I’ve yelled I’ve been controlling (b/c of his lack of responsibility) and just downright *****y at times I’m sure so maybe I pushed him away or belittled him or made him not feel worth, I’m not sure.

The thing that makes this so hard is we do have a wonderful friendship, and I will always want us to be friends no matter what. I am going to go home and talk to him and then I will report back here, and hopefully I can find us a therapist tomorrow.

Thanks so much for your reply, it is nice to discuss this with a 3rd party.
Gizmo


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Just tell him how you feel, like you said. And if it truly is too late in your mind ,then don't push yourself into feeling guilty , because it takes two to make a marriage work, and two to help it not work. 
You've got every right to want a close intimacy with him.

Maybe if you try a therapist, at least then you can say you gave it your all. Also, a good book to read, together might be "love dare"... it's about loving your spouse , totally , unconditionally. 

I don't know if that would help, but it might. If you find that you just can't move forward with him, then it might be time to let go. 

I hope the best for you. Let us know how it goes after the counseling session. 

much happiness.


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