# We fight ALL the time!



## EngagedAndWorried (Sep 25, 2011)

Well first off I'm new here and this is my first post ever so here goes: 
Me and my fiance have been together for almost two years (our 2 year anniversary is coming up early next month) and we practically fight nonstop these days. We used to get along pretty well but now it's just a random thing that either of us do to the other and then we are almost to the breaking up point. Last night we both said the words "we're done" and "we aren't working" but neither of us really meant it. But we can't last much longer if we can't get along for more than a day! When we are getting along it's great but we both feel like we are just waiting for the next fight. 
Our wedding is coming up on June 30th and we've already put the deposit down on our venue and I bought my dress and veil already. We are serious about each other but neither can figure out why we are fighting so much! Premarital counseling isn't an option - I'm willing but he feels if we need a professional to teach us how to stay together than we just shouldn't be together. Any advice?


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Maybe you aren't ready to marry?

Maybe he isn't the right one?

Maybe you are just nervous?

I have called off an engagement. I have eaten the money from the dress that hung in my closet. Somewhere, my mom still has that veil. I called all 140 people on the guest list and told them the wedding was off. We ate the deposit on the venue.

I'll tell ya, breaking off that engagement was the best thing I ever did. Sure it was heartbreaking and embarrassing, but man....I'm glad I did it.

I broke it off for similar reasons. We couldn't seem to get along, I was finding out things about him I didn't like, etc...

That was 7 years ago and I've never thought "what if". Dear god, no. lol.

June is far away. Maybe try some counseling--it's not about someone telling you how to be together. It's about someone asking the right questions to make you guys think and learn from it. but don't be ashamed to call off a wedding, even on the wedding day. You'll save yourself a TON of heartache in the long run.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

First thing you need to do is, get to the root of why you all are fighting. Have you all thought about some time apart? Like not seeing each other for awhile. Not calling everything off really, just taking a break, see how things go?


----------



## EngagedAndWorried (Sep 25, 2011)

I'm pretty sure he is the right one....he's the best thing that has ever happened to me and we both love each other very much. We don't have any "issues" that I know of, just can't seem to get along. I'm working on my issues and him on his but it seems like one comment he makes that I don't like just sets me off and he tells me I need to "take jokes". (He jokes ALL the time) and I'm more serious....

We haven't ever taken a break...actually we haven't spent more than two consecutive nights apart since we were a couple


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, if it's like this now, it won't be better after marriage.

If he's "the one" he should understand you are more serious in nature and not try to push your buttons.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

What is the comment he says to you, that he says he is joking about?


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I don't know why you want to marry a man with whom you fight all the time. Sounds like a definition of hel! to me. But I'll take a crack at advice. You two need to learn how to fight fair. That means no demeaning remarks about the other person. No contempt for the other person's opinion. If things start to get heated, walk away. Do not fuel his anger with senseless fights that neither of you will win.

Some disagreements will never be settled between spouses. Recognize this and let these topics go. A good sex life helps people overlook petty disagreements in a relationship.

But if you two are fighting this early in your relationship, I would let him go. Life is too short to spend it with someone who does not respect you enough to talk calmly and lovingly to you.


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Is his humor disgusting, tasteless, unfunny, etc or are you just a tigh butt? 

Please remember one thing,things you hate don't go away after marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EngagedAndWorried (Sep 25, 2011)

He swears a LOT when he's "joking" and ok I swear a lot too but not like him! LOL
I'll give you an example:
Last night he bumps his head on the wall. Normally people say "ouch!" or "s***!" or something like that. My guy says the "N" word! He's not racist at all and would never actually call someone that but why not just say ouch or "s***!"??? I don't use that word period! I chose not to say anything about it last night and just ignored it but it still bothers me. I've told him these things bother him and apparently I'm just too serious. 
Or when he took me to a restaurant and there was about a 25 min wait. So we both sat down on the empty seat but then an elderly lady came in with a young girl and I thought we should move over to let them sit down but he refused saying "life's a b****" and didn't move. Again I chose not to fight about it (don't we fight about this stuff enough???) But it still bothers me.

That said though he treats me better than any guy I've ever been with, listens to me and loves me so much and I think he is the one but I wish he was more sensitive to people's needs


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

These examples speak volumes. He lacks empathy for others and has anger issues. RUN! He may mature a little with time, but why would you want to spend you life with someone who is callous towards others? There are great guys out there who treat other people well. How long do you think it will be before his lack of empathy is directed at you?

Losing money from the wedding is nothing compared to a lifetime of misery with an angry, selfish man.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

What the are things you all are fighting about though? He says a ugly word and you call him out on it, is that what starts it? Or are you all fighting about other things?


----------



## EngagedAndWorried (Sep 25, 2011)

Yeah it's normally if he says something I don't like and I call him out of it. I think that's what starts most of our fights. 

Oh it might help if I say our ages I'm 21 and he's 22


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Too young to get married. I know you hate me for saying that, so I'm sorry but it's true.

If your "honeymoon period", which is this time now, is like this...god help you when it wears off.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Well apparently he doesn't care about how you feel. You have told him certain things he says bothers you, but yet he keeps doing it. People are telling you now these are red flags, and doubt they will get better after you're married. If anything they will become worse. You can either choose to listen to these red flags or not.


----------



## EngagedAndWorried (Sep 25, 2011)

That's the thing though...he DOES care about how I feel more than anyone else I know. If I seem bothered by something he comes right up to me and says "baby what's wrong what did I do?" then genuinely tries to fix it. He says things without thinking but if you knew him you would know that he isn't mean or uncaring at all but can appear that way when he talks. I know that's probably confusing to hear? :scratchhead:


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Engaged:

Your gut is telling you something is wrong with this guy. Listen to it.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

EngagedAndWorried said:


> He swears a LOT when he's "joking" and ok I swear a lot too but not like him! LOL
> I'll give you an example:
> Last night he bumps his head on the wall. Normally people say "ouch!" or "s***!" or something like that. My guy says the "N" word! He's not racist at all and would never actually call someone that but why not just say ouch or "s***!"??? I don't use that word period! I chose not to say anything about it last night and just ignored it but it still bothers me. I've told him these things bother him and apparently I'm just too serious.
> Or when he took me to a restaurant and there was about a 25 min wait. So we both sat down on the empty seat but then an elderly lady came in with a young girl and I thought we should move over to let them sit down but he refused saying "life's a b****" and didn't move. Again I chose not to fight about it (don't we fight about this stuff enough???) But it still bothers me.
> ...


Sounds like he was trying to start a fight. You should have stood up and been an example. You could have been the gentleman LOL. This says more about him than the fighting.

It takes two to fight, walk away, do not escalate. If that doesn't work you will have to make up your mind to do the right thing. At this point, the fighting is just a habit.


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I'm not sure what the problem is. On one hand you talk about the things he says, his comments, etc, and how you both fight all the time, but then you talk about how wonderful he is and that he does seem to care about you and your feelings etc. 

If none of what others here are saying is ringing a bell with you, and you feel like he is just wonderful regardless of his comments and how much you all fight, then marry him. All is well, correct?


----------



## EngagedAndWorried (Sep 25, 2011)

No he wasn't trying to start a fight....I know that, it's just how he is I guess


----------



## EngagedAndWorried (Sep 25, 2011)

Jamison said:


> I'm not sure what the problem is. On one hand you talk about the things he says, his comments, etc, and how you both fight all the time, but then you talk about how wonderful he is and that he does seem to care about you and your feelings etc.
> 
> If none of what others here are saying is ringing a bell with you, and you feel like he is just wonderful regardless of his comments and how much you all fight, then marry him. All is well, correct?



Yeah I mean that's how I normally feel. But then we fight over something minor (I just can't even remember any examples at the moment just little things usually) and it's like everything goes to hell! I'm just wanting advice on how to stop the fights...am I wrong, right? Cuz I'm just confused


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

That girl is right! You are much too young to get married. Spend some years getting to know yourself.

Your fiance sounds like one mean SOB. I could never marry a man who is cruel to the elderly and children.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> Well apparently he doesn't care about how you feel. You have told him certain things he says bothers you, but yet he keeps doing it. People are telling you now these are red flags, and doubt they will get better after you're married. If anything they will become worse. You can either choose to listen to these red flags or not.


People don't want to hear what they don't want to hear.

But in 1, 4, 10 years down the road, they say, "Oh yea....they were right."

We've all done that about something in our lives. But trust your gut, OP. If your gut is saying to stay engaged, then do it...but then don't complain about how your fiance behaves.


----------



## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

I would ask if they are fights or bickering?

Fights: something that turns into yelling, screaming, name calling, or belittling each other in any way, anything that leaves deep emotional scars.

Bickering: something couples experience when establishing boundaries on what is, and is not, acceptable to each other.

Bickering, when never allowed to progress into fighting can be a good thing. 

It’s a way to learn and grow as individuals and as a couple. This can be eased by simply learning to communicate in a better way.

If you’re fighting, I would advise that you seriously consider what the others have suggested.

Of course, that’s just my thought.

Warmly,
RDJ


----------



## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

RDJ said:


> I would ask if they are fights or bickering?
> 
> Fights: something that turns into yelling, screaming, name calling, or belittling each other in any way, anything that leaves deep emotional scars.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Have you done couples counselling? Do it.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

EngagedAndWorried said:


> He swears a LOT when he's "joking" and ok I swear a lot too but not like him! LOL
> I'll give you an example:
> Last night he bumps his head on the wall. Normally people say "ouch!" or "s***!" or something like that. My guy says the "N" word! He's not racist at all and would never actually call someone that but why not just say ouch or "s***!"??? I don't use that word period! I chose not to say anything about it last night and just ignored it but it still bothers me. I've told him these things bother him and apparently I'm just too serious.
> Or when he took me to a restaurant and there was about a 25 min wait. So we both sat down on the empty seat but then an elderly lady came in with a young girl and I thought we should move over to let them sit down but he refused saying "life's a b****" and didn't move. Again I chose not to fight about it (don't we fight about this stuff enough???) But it still bothers me.


Nevermind my last post. (This is what happens when I read the thread out of order). Lots of red flags here. I could not be with someone who randomly shouted the N word and was so callous to say "Life's a b!tch" to an elderly woman who he should have moved over for. 

This is a preview of what married life is going to be like plus 10 time more.


----------



## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

You need to get everything out in the open, and I mean everything...let him know what's it is about him that bothers you, no matter how small, and vice versa. Maybe if you can get everything out in the open, he can see how he's been treating you. Otherwise, you'll be walking on eggshells the rest of your life, and I don't think that's anyway to have a relationship.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Nevermind my last post. (This is what happens when I read the thread out of order). Lots of red flags here. I could not be with someone who randomly shouted the N word and was so callous to say "Life's a b!tch" to an elderly woman who he should have moved over for.
> 
> This is a preview of what married life is going to be like plus 10 time more.


I agree with this... my husband always had a short temper and had rude tendencies, this has gotten much worse with age and it annoys me much more... and now I have children to think of... don't do it.. .too young, too many flags.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

HappyAtLast said:


> You need to get everything out in the open, and I mean everything...let him know what's it is about him that bothers you, no matter how small, and vice versa. Maybe if you can get everything out in the open, he can see how he's been treating you. Otherwise, you'll be walking on eggshells the rest of your life, and I don't think that's anyway to have a relationship.


It won't be the rest of her life...they will break up before then.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

that_girl said:


> It won't be the rest of her life...they will break up before then.


Hopefully.


----------



## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

EngagedAndWorried said:


> Well first off I'm new here and this is my first post ever so here goes:
> Me and my fiance have been together for almost two years (our 2 year anniversary is coming up early next month) and we practically fight nonstop these days. We used to get along pretty well but now it's just a random thing that either of us do to the other and then we are almost to the breaking up point. Last night we both said the words "we're done" and "we aren't working" but neither of us really meant it. But we can't last much longer if we can't get along for more than a day! When we are getting along it's great but we both feel like we are just waiting for the next fight.
> Our wedding is coming up on June 30th and we've already put the deposit down on our venue and I bought my dress and veil already. We are serious about each other but neither can figure out why we are fighting so much! Premarital counseling isn't an option - I'm willing but he feels if we need a professional to teach us how to stay together than we just shouldn't be together. Any advice?


Hit the breaks. Reschedule the wedding over a year out in order to determine whats going on. Don't worry about the deposit. its a small price to pay for the piece of mind. Don't worry about the dress. Your going to get married to someone. even if it isn't him, you will still use that dress eventually. 

But seriously, postpone now and watch him like a hawk.


----------



## marea minton (Oct 1, 2011)

Give some time to the relationship, don't speak to each other for a month,this way you can realize who is wrong or might you will figure out whats make you fight..I will say respect each other, becoz without respect no relation can go for long weather it is love....


----------

