# Why does the OW try to be the main woman?



## Lostwithoutwords (Dec 14, 2011)

My husband has cheated on me and still am (which I have a feeling he still is). He will not cut the communication off with the OW. When I ask him why he says that she is in his head and it's hard to get her out. He knows that this is ruining our relationship and marriage and he hates the fact that he is the one that is doing it. Why can't he get a grasp on things and get his act together! He says that he wishes he can too.

Not only is this woman 10 yrs older than him (which age shouldn't matter). She had a husband too that just recently divorced her and left her with 3 children b/c i believe of infidelity. What pisses me off is that she is a home wrecking b* and she still reaches out to my husband knowing that I am back into the picture. She gets mad if he doesn't answer her text and calls. She is intervening in our marriage and trying to sabotage which he is allowing. I'm tired of his bs and it's like he plays on my emotions. One day he focus on trying to make thing right then he turns around and screws up WTF . I'm tired of having to compete for my husband. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster and we keep going in circles!!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Would outing her be an option or useful?


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## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

180... hard. ASAP.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Lostwithoutwords said:


> My husband has cheated on me and still am (which I have a feeling he still is). He will not cut the communication off with the OW. When I ask him why he says that she is in his head and it's hard to get her out. He knows that this is ruining our relationship and marriage and he hates the fact that he is the one that is doing it. Why can't he get a grasp on things and get his act together! He says that he wishes he can too.
> 
> Not only is this woman 10 yrs older than him (which age shouldn't matter). She had a husband too that just recently divorced her and left her with 3 children b/c i believe of infidelity. What pisses me off is that she is a home wrecking b* and she still reaches out to my husband knowing that I am back into the picture. She gets mad if he doesn't answer her text and calls. She is intervening in our marriage and trying to sabotage which he is allowing. I'm tired of his bs and it's like he plays on my emotions. One day he focus on trying to make thing right then he turns around and screws up WTF . I'm tired of having to compete for my husband. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster and we keep going in circles!!!


If your husband is managing to have you at home and the OW on the side, what incentive is there for him to go one path or the other?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Honestly? You tell your husband either stop talking to her PERIOD or he can leave. It's as simple as that. If he wants the marriage to work, he needs to STOP talking to her. He won't get her out of his head as long as they are still in contact. Block her calls. Block her texts. He needs to send her a NC letter telling her to leave him alone, and to never contact him for ANY reason whatsoever.

As you asked in your title...she tries to be the main woman because HE LETS HER! Seriously, if he wants to work on the marriage, tell him "her or the family. you can't have both!" and do 180, now!


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## Lostwithoutwords (Dec 14, 2011)

You are absolutely correct he's already having his cake and eating it too. I told him that he has to choose btwn her or his family. His response to that is he knew he should have just cut communication with her a long time ago. He also says that maybe he has to lose everything including his family for him to realize. I just came back to him few months ago. When he first told me about the affair which was almost a yr ago he cheated with her a few days before our wedding. I couldn't deal with what he had told me and I was an emotional wreck so I packed up with our son and moved out for 6 mos.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

It's extremely difficult when your story is spread out in different threads, so I had to go thru them to get a feel for the whole situation. 

This is your original post back in December 2011. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/36502-husband-confessed-infidelity-temporary-seperated.html#post515832



Lostwithoutwords said:


> I've been with my husband going on 7 years. We have a 4 yr old son together. About two years ago he decided that he wanted to become a cop. After trying several departments he finally got accepted into another state other then we we're currently living at that time. During that time I had just got back into the working seen b/c previous to that I was a stay @ home mother. We went down to MD to choose a place to live. *He gave me an ultimatum to go with him or stay behind and work.* I decided to stay behind but told him that I would be down there in no time. Well, months progressed I tried to find a job out there and there was no luck. I would go up and down the road to interviews and there was still no hope. *Years started to pass by and I begin to get promoted at the job that I was working and just didn't leave.*


This was your first mistake. You two let MONEY and possibly pride and family get in between yourselves. 



Lostwithoutwords said:


> Part of my reason for this was that I did not want to go out there and not have a job or be a burden to him. We would make attempts to spend time as a family every other weekend whether he was coming to NJ or I was going to MD.


You need to admit that you chose your job over your relationship. 



Lostwithoutwords said:


> I did not have anyone to turn to b/c my support system was in NJ. ...I'm living back with my mother and I dread being here . She is happy that I am here because she did not want me moving with him in the first place. So I feel that she got a thrill of me leaving him.


You also didn't want to leave your family.

Look, there isn't any excuse for infidelity. But you two grew apart and it looks like he moved on during your separation.

You feel like you're going in circles because you really are. Let him go. He's a cop in another state. If he wants to come back to you and go NC with the OW, he will. But he works with her and there is no way to ensure NC with the OW unless he leaves his job and career there.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Cake eater, they only reacy (if the do) with hard, clear, unwanted consequences.
Have to talked with a lawyer? Tell him in no uncertain terms next time he talk to OW you'll pack his stuff and divorce him. Of course you'll have to follow through with it, otherwise he will mock at you forever nad will treat you as a doormat for now on. If you are not ready to go with your boundaires to the deep end better shut up.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Then kick him out this time. Don't leave the house. He knows he has to choose one or the other, make him do it. Tell him NOW that if he doesn't do it NOW, then to GTFO! Seriously. You are LETTING him do it at this point. If he is serious about making the marriage work, he will drop her. He will do everything he can to prove to YOU that he wants the marriage. Yes, she will be in his mind for awhile. I can tell you that from experience. But, she will STAY there if he keeps talking to/seeing her. Don't let him get away with "Yes, I know I need to do this, but....." It's bullsh*t. He's trying to prolong it. If he starts saying that, interrupt with "Then do it. RIGHT NOW! And if you can't, then leave and don't come back." It will definitely open his eyes that you are not going to play the game anymore.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He says he won't stop until he hits bottom? 

then give him that hard shove. By that I mean, it's time to draw the line about him ending contact with her - or he leaves and you go completely no contact with him. You will be totally dark on him until contact is done for good.

Right now he isn't in the marriage. He is instead straddling it , using you when he wants, and he when he wants. He has no loyalty to you and doesn't see you as worth fighting for - he's not fighting the urge to contact the OW at all.

So take yourself off the table and tell him to go. He can return down the road if contact has ended, and if you still want him and are still available. But make it clear you are no longer going to wait for him to commit to the marriage and you.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Monroe said:


> 180... hard. ASAP.












This....cheating kills trust and respect. And I really think if you think you have to compete, go thermo-nuclear war....and win or be the last one standing.


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

I'm not going to compete, period. I agree with Shaggy, shove him off into the abyss! If he has sense enough to get up and fight for your marriage then you have a place to start with him. If not you have a place to start without him. 

Oh, by the way, your WH is likely to stay with this woman until he figures out what I already see, she needs a meal ticket for her kids. My FWH didn't see what a gold digger the OW was until after we R and I showed him an email she had sent him (I found a copy in his car, smooth move). It was an email she sent the day before he went to see a lawyer about a divorce. She gave him a list of questions to ask and surprise they were all about money. She had been sitting on her butt in her H house wanting a divorce but wanting someone to take care of her. Then she had the nerve to tell him that I, his wife, was a freeload. Yep, your H is in the fog. Time for Hurricane Lostwithoutwords to blow it away!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Homewreckers don't care about you. They want your man and will stop at nothing to get him. Oh the stories I could tell you about this. And they are skilled at keeping the guys in the fog. Affairs are exciting and thrilling. Way more fun to sneak around than go home to another day at home with the wife and kids.

Until you snap him out of the fog and quit letting him cake eat nothing will change. This won't end well if you don't stop it NOW.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

You shouldn't have to compete for your own H. How humiliating.

Get off the rollercoaster. Only you have that power.

OW is not going to look that exciting or enticing if the price he has to pay for her is his family and wife. And if he really wants her, then you don't want him anyway. Or you will be in for years more pain while he strings you along.

End the games and allow him to choose. When he actually has to choose, I predict then he will suddenly realize he's not so confused.

Good luck to you.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> He says he won't stop until he hits bottom?
> 
> then give him that hard shove. By that I mean, it's time to draw the line about him ending contact with her - or he leaves and you go completely no contact with him. You will be totally dark on him until contact is done for good.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I am in the same boat. Phone records indicate that even after D Day, my STBXH was still in phone contact with at least two OW on a daily basis. D Day was in November and I stuck around until after the holidays, during which time he refused to leave the marital home and wanted our marriage to work, while insisting that "nothing was going on". His behavior changed in that he got sneaky and quiet. During that time I knew I would have to do the "hard 180", so I planned accordingly. I'm there now.

The only communication we have now is through our lawyers. He emailed a couple of times to set up a meeting to discuss the situation without our lawyers, but I refused. His current phone records indicate that he is still in contact with these OW, so I see no point in discussing anything with him directly.

What's even worse (to me) is that, as the OP pointed out, these OW have the utter audacity to insert themselves in my marriage and direct my STBXH on how he should be treating me; advising him to do things to me which will most certainly end us in divorce, like changing the locks on the marital home in which I am a joint owner, as if I would vandalize my own home! 

So yes, OP, I know exactly where you are coming from, and, as others have advised, it's time for the "hard 180". If there is any chance whatsoever for your marriage to work, the only option is to cut contact with him completely and refuse to compete with the OW in his life. Get your life together and be prepared to move on.

As for these OW, keep in mind that they don't know you. They only know your WS's version of you. If your WS doesn't realize that you are and always have been the better choice, then that burden is on him. If the OW thinks that the "prize" in all of this is winning a cheating spouse, then obviously she ain't that bright. But you, OP, have the option of ridding yourself of a cheater and moving forward to bigger and better things in your life. 180. Hard. Don't look back.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Lostwithoutwords said:


> What pizzes me off is that she is a home wrecking b* and she still reaches out to my husband knowing that I am back into the picture. She gets mad if he doesn't answer her text and calls. She is intervening in our marriage and trying to sabotage which he is allowing.


Have you contacted this POS with your best psycho voice and told her to stay the eff away from your family? I agree with the others about your H. If he won't get off the fence about you and the OW, knock his dumb azz off by starting the divorce process. You can always stop it later if he want to work on the marriage.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

No..no..no..no..no..no..no..

This will destroy what, if anything, of the love you have left for him. It will destroy you emotionally. It is pathetic and needy on both your parts. Yes. I get it. I was too.
Just NO okay.
This is not right.


Draw a line in the sand.
Give an ultimatum
Go thermonuclear
Go ballistic
Go mental
Get MAD
Throw him out
Push him under the bus [metaphorically]
Burn your boats.

but.. 

*NO!*

Pull a hard 180. Do this today.


BUT. JUST SAY NO


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Why do you want to stay married to someone who obviously doesn't want to put the time, committement and work it takes to make a marriage last? 

And until he stops contact, you will never have a successful marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lostwithoutwords said:


> My husband has cheated on me and still am (which I have a feeling he still is). He will not cut the communication off with the OW. When I ask him why he says that she is in his head and it's hard to get her out. He knows that this is ruining our relationship and marriage and he hates the fact that he is the one that is doing it. Why can't he get a grasp on things and get his act together! He says that he wishes he can too.


If he truly wanted to "get his act together" and wanted to put his wishful thinking into action, he would.

But every day he chooses not to.

Why do you choose to accept it? 



Lostwithoutwords said:


> What pisses me off is that she is a home wrecking b* and she still reaches out to my husband knowing that I am back into the picture. She gets mad if he doesn't answer her text and calls. She is intervening in our marriage and trying to sabotage which he is allowing. I'm tired of his bs and it's like he plays on my emotions. One day he focus on trying to make thing right then he turns around and screws up WTF . I'm tired of having to compete for my husband. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster and we keep going in circles!!!


I know you hate the OW and well, who wouldn't, but, your husband plays a huge part in this,too. The OW would no be able to sabotage anything if your husband finally manned up and told her to GTFO the picture. 

You said you're tiring of competing for him? So stop.

Tell him you are done with these shennanigans, that you deserve better. Because you do. 

Get off the rollercoaster and let him keep cruising along at warp speed.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Surely, this is a rhetorical question and an interesting advisory. People will act anyway they want and if that way of acting gives them an advantage, well even better.

OP, I sympathise with you but your situation is causes in part by the fog that your husband feels and the sense of entitlement that the OW has developed in this situation.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Highwood/Sara8 - Please refrain from back and forth conversations that move away from the OP's original post.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

swedish said:


> Highwood/Sara8 - Please refrain from back and forth conversations that move away from the OP's original post.


Hmmmm...where were you when I have had that done on posts I started as well....didn't bother me one bit.

Not that big of a deal in my opinion..it is still relevant to the thread about how the OW thinks she is the "main woman".


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

...and Sara was not off topic at all. It was another poster who asked me a question and I answered it.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Lostwithoutwords said:


> I'm tired of having to compete for my husband. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster and we keep going in circles!!!


Of course you are. So, stop doing it. 

You certainly should not be competing with other women for your husband. 

Talk to your attorney pronto about freezing assets and such. You don't want him spending any more money on this women.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

highwood said:


> Hmmmm...where were you when I have had that done on posts I started as well....didn't bother me one bit.


Maybe because that jack wan't reported. This one was. Twice


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Lostwithoutwords said:


> To answer your main question which was: Why does the OW try to be the main woman.
> 
> One reason is that your husband has enabled her to do so.
> 
> ...


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I agee with Sara. The OW does get a boost of confidence as well...they feel special because wow look at this married man he wants me..he is willing to leave his wife for me (whether or not that is true is another question), I must be really something. But, as Sara said, it does take two. Obviously the OW would not feel that way if the WS was not making her feel like she is the "main woman".


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I also agree with the posters who are saying do a 180...important if there is still contact going on. You have to take a stand.


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