# Hello!



## Dadman (Aug 7, 2019)

Hi guys! I'm 42 , have 2 great kids (10 & 2) whom I love dearly. I've been married 11 years and am having trouble. I'm not sure what to do but hopefully this forum will help me figure out what path to take .

Cheers!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Could share with us the issues you are having so that people can give you some input?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hi, @Dadman. We are here for you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Dadman, can you post now?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Welcome aboard. If you have more info on specific reasons why you're visiting?

Lots of good info running around here for one to ponder on.

Hang in there!


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## Dadman (Aug 7, 2019)

My wife and I've always had a decent relationship but she's always been temperamental and to be quite honest a little bit mean about stuff. I was raised poor and I've had to really work hard to bring myself up to lower middle class. She was raised in one of the wealthiest parts of the country I never wanted for anything. Her father was an alcoholic though so I have a feeling there was a lot of verbal abuse in the household. 

What I'm trying to get at is it after 15 years being together she's decided that she resents me because I'm never there. I worked my way up in this company to the VP position and involves traveling Monday night through Friday afternoon. I'm home every weekend get three weeks off at Christmas and realistically can take time off whenever I need to if something comes up. I've made a concerted effort this year to be home more and I've been commuting home if I'm within an hour or two the house. We have two children a two year old and a 10 year old and they're the main reasons I've really stuck it out. I'm not perfect by any means but I'm generally happy and good spirited and try to look on the bright side of life when I can. you guys only have my viewpoint of course to go by but I'm ever list some of the stuff she's done and you can tell me if I'm right to feel as though I should be thinking of divorce.


2015 - we had plans to go out to see a movie. I became seriously ill that morning coming down with the shakes and vomiting severely. Some sort of food poisoning. She responded by storming upstairs and leaving me alone with our daughter who was 4. Hours later she stomps downstairs and sees me in the bathroom on the floor shaking and begging her to help. She sighs in disgust and grabs the babies diaper bag and storms out . The baby crying my name as they sped off is a sound I'll never forget. She came back that night after 10pm . I tried to call multiple times but she didn't answer . I had laid in bed debating whether to call 911 for an ambulance or not and passed out for 4 hours. She didn't speak to me at all the next day.


March- night, 9pm- bedtime for baby


Baby and I get out of the shower and I get her dressed. Baby is crying for her bottle and bed. She points to the bedroom and says "night night dada night night". I can tell she's tired and fix her bottle.
- As I go to put her to bed Wife comes upstairs after being downstairs working for hours and says she wants to have a cigarette on the back porch. I say that she should probably go have one on the front porch because the baby is just so absolutely tired and I feel bad for her. After all the baby can only go to bed in her room but wife can have a cigarette anywhere. 

-She says "FINE!" and stomps out the front door without even saying goodnight to the baby. 
-She doesn't speak to me the rest of the night even when I go downstairs to her studio and try to talk to her or she comes to bed and I try to explain that I wasn't trying to be mean but just trying to keep the baby from having a meltdown. 
-I told her I loved her and got no response from her at all. Except her mumbling..." Words ..just words"
-I rolled over and read a bit on my phone before falling asleep.

-The next morning Wife continued to not talk to me and while I was getting baby ready for school. Wife came storming out of our room asking what I had packed older kid for lunch. 
I told her I was in the process of figuring that out but might just do a PB&J when she opened the fridge and started throwing things on the ground screaming how she "has to do everything" .
Older kid hides behind a chair and starts to cry , the baby starts to cry. I tell wife to calm down because she's upsetting the kids and being hysterical. She tells me to get out. To take older kid to the bus stop and leave. I told her no that we were going to discuss this as adults when I got home. 
-I return to her sitting at the table crying and staring straight ahead ignoring the baby. I sat down and asked her to talk about it and she yelled at me screaming "How dare I lecture her about where and when to smoke" 
-I told her flat out the baby was more important than her pack a day habit. I reiterate that SHE could smoke in a chair in the porch but the baby had to sleep in her crib and was literally crying because she was so tired. 
-She then accused me of ignoring her the previous night and said I spend too much time on my phone. That I had gotten HER a smartphone so I she would be distracted too. 
- She also responded that she's not cut out for this. Staring ahead again and seeming to not listen. She meant I'm assuming ,Having a family and the responsibility of being a parent and a wife. 

At that point I just said I loved her and left it be. What can I say to that?

If all she wants to do is smoke and paint it's a bit late for that after 2 kids and 15 years.

Earlier this year
We're going to the park to celebrate the babies bday.
Wife texts me in the morning and asks me to see if the cupcake container will fit in the cooler . She says she will have to pack said cooler when she gets home. 
-She arrived home and opened the fridge noticing the cupcakes we're still in her original container. (They would not fit in the cooler and since she said she would pack it I left it up to her to decide what to do.)
-She started slamming things around and saying how she has to solve her own problems. I told her I had spent the day cleaning , doing laundry, assembling the babies bike she had gotten as a gift etc. And she told me SHE would pack the cooler which is why I hadn't done it. But recieved no response just anger. Mind you I never tell at my wife. Ever. I just dont think it's appropriate.
- The kids were ready to go when she arrived aside from putting on sunscreen. 
-older kid came out of her room and said hi but Betty ignored her.
-baby said "Hi Mama hi Mama!!" But again no response. She didn't speak to any of us for 15 minutes until we got to the park. Ignoring even the baby who just wanted her mommy to talk to her. She twice walked past the baby without even looking at her which is more hurtful to me than anything.

Another incident 
-I arrived home after being out with the kids all day (to let wife paint) and older kid told her she had gotten a decaffeinated coffee chocolate smoothie. Wife asked why I let her get it. I told her I had been taking care of the baby and keeping her occupied while my mom and older kid ordered the drinks and didn't know what she had ordered until later. She said I had to pay better attention and it wasn't decaf. I told her it was because I had asked my mom and she confirmed they had gotten decaf.
-wife just raised her eyebrows and looked in the fridge ignoring me and not responding. I told her I would never intentionally let my kid have anything with caffeine in it but she simply huffed and walked away. 

-She told me recently she might be asexual and dosent want sex. We have had sex 2 times in 3 years. Not normal. Last time she said "hurry up I have stuff to do" . At which time I just stopped and got dressed.


Wife does not have to work because the job I have makes enough money so that she can be home and be with the kids. She has a part-time job she works on weekends for fun and uses at the pay for groceries which I sometimes wind up having to pitch in for anyway. I pay all of the bills all of the car payments ,everything. 
I would have left a long time ago if not for my babies I love them dearly. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time trying to keep the kids from upsetting my wife and trying to stop myself mode setting my wife lest we have another tantrum which I think is damaging to our girls. I'm not really sure what to do and I'm kind of lost. The verbal abuse and mental abuse that she directs at me is so intense and volatile that I get the shakes. I don't want to be asexual, I want to have someone that loves me as much as I'm capable of loving them. I've gotten to the point where I think divorce is probably the best option but I'm afraid I'll never see my babies again . I'm not sure what to do.....


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Whoa man that sucks.

What do you want to have happen here? Want help getting out? Trying to improve the dynamic? How to grin and bear it?

What’s success to you, man?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

IF you leave the children will be left on their own with her. Not a good thought. 
Its hard to understand why you married her and had children with her.

You need to tell her how deeply unhappy you are, and that you are even thinking of divorce. That may or may not improve things but its a risk you may need to take.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> The verbal abuse and mental abuse that she directs at me is so intense and volatile that I get the shakes.


Dadman, your W's anger and abuse issues may be due to her having very weak control over her own emotions (i.e., a lack of coping skills that most people acquire in childhood). If that is an issue, however, you should be seeing 4 other warning signs.

The first is a strong abandonment fear. I therefore ask whether, about 4 to 6 months into your relationship (15 years ago), she started showing strong jealousy over harmless events -- or tried to isolate you away from close friends and family members? She would view your spending time with friends/family as your choosing THEM over HER. Moreover, she generally would hate being alone by herself.

Second, you would be seeing her rely heavily on black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" ("with me") or "all bad" ("against me") and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction. Because she also uses B-W thinking in judging HERSELF, she would rarely acknowledge making a mistake or having a flaw. Doing so would imply, in her mind, she is "all bad." She thus would blame nearly all misfortunes on you and perceive of herself as "The Victim." Moreover, this B-W thinking also would be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you ALWAYS..." and "you NEVER...."

Third, you would not see her expressing her anger to total strangers (e.g., road rage against strangers). Rather, the outbursts and temper tantrums almost exclusively would be expressed against a close loved one (i.e., against YOU or her parents).

Fourth, you often would see her flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're oftentimes walking on eggshells. Such flips would occur in 10 seconds in response to some minor thing you say or do. 

Have you been seeing all 4 of these red flags, starting nearly 15 years ago right after her infatuation with you started to fade as the honeymoon period ended?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

All you have said is sad. She needs to see someone who could help her and get her on some meds, l don't think you want to leave her. Why is that? What does she do for you that you can not do your self. 

Hard steps need to be take soon, for the childrens sake alone. If then you come to a moment of Truth you must deploy for you and your children. There are many good people who will love you for being just you. And your children will be a added plus for them. Believe in yourself Sir.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Sir, this chaos that you describe is not my idea of a marriage. You sound very loving--so you don't want your kids to think this example is correct for marriage or even relationship? She sounds jealous of the kids and maybe lacks some nurturing instinct. Children of alcoholics have learned roles to play in life to survive. IMO: she is spoiled and disrespectful of you. You sound intimidated. What would she do if you stood up for yourself?

I think you should talk to a lawyer and have the knowledge you need to know where you stand. Most folks consider sex to be an important part of marriage. Perhaps she is meeting her sexual needs elsewhere? Your value (and hers) is not determined by the socio-economic environment in which you were raised. Be proud of your accomplishments and hard-work. Have you ever considered marriage counseling-- it might help.

Having stayed too long in a sick marriage, I lean toward escaping while you can restore norms to your life.


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