# I'm unsatisfied sexually... should I call off our wedding?



## Mach3Maelstrom (10 mo ago)

I'm getting married in 9 weeks, and I'm having serious doubts I could use your help with.

I'm a 36 yo man, and my fiance is a woman the same age. We've been dating for ~5 years. I've been in serious relationships before, but I'm her first serious relationship that's lasted longer than 3 months. We're both career-oriented, share the same silly sense of humor, have easy connections when we're together, have similar goals when it comes to family, and we love each other SO much.

The only thing that we lack is good sex. In short:

We only have sex about once every other week. I have a high libido, and her a low one, and I'd want sex at least every other day.
However, when we do have sex, she has multiple orgasms but I often don't orgasm most of the time. Most times, I need to go to the bathroom to finish myself off.
Some details:

I've had relationships where I've been satisfied, so I know this isn't a psychological issue where I'm not coming. She's not on any medications either.
I'm also the first guy she's ever had sex with, so at first, sex was really awkward. Over time, it's gotten better... but it's never really been good.
I've tried talking with her about it saying specifically what I'd need, and she responds, "OK, I'll try my best..." or "Next month, Project X will be done so I won't be as stressed"... but then a couple months pass and nothing's been done.
Many times, she doesn't even realize how long it's been since we've last had sex, which tells me this isn't a problem for her. There have been many times when I bring up the quantity issue and she tells me, "We have a lot of sex!", but then I ask her to think back to when and it's about 2 weeks since we last had sex.
I've been trying to sweep this under the rug by thinking "Maybe I don't need this" and "Maybe I'll help her de-stress"... but even when we're relaxed and on vacation, the sex isn't fulfilling.
Last week, I told her that it's become clear to me that I NEED good, frequent sex to be happy in a marriage. She got extremely defensive, accusing me of sitting on this for so long and not telling her, wasting 5 years, calling me a bastard, etc. etc. I do feel guilty, because I love her and I know she'll be hurt/impacted heavily if we call it off. Though remember, I HAVE told her these things, just not the stakes. After the dust cleared, she said she'd be open to talking to a counselor about it -- but she doesn't want to postpone our wedding for it. In her words: "Either we have the wedding, or we cancel it." She then continues planning the wedding.

I feel like an asshole and I'm losing sleep over this. I know we've been together for a long time and I'm well aware of the impacts this would have on her. She's an amazing woman, but I don't know if I could go forever without feeling sexually satisfied.

Is this something that's worth canceling a wedding? I could really use your help to sort my thoughts/emotions out.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

First of all if she got to her thirties without having sex then she doesn’t like sex period.
Secondly……..There’s no secondly, she just doesn’t like sex.
Unless you want a lifetime of her bs you need to pull the plug now. You are still a young man, you can find a woman who is capable of having a good physical relationship with you.
One more thing. Don’t date virgins especially ones in their thirties.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Bail out now. It's not going to get better...likely only worse.

She is obviously a "sex hater" or it would be more important to HER too.

Bail my friend....bail.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Mach3Maelstrom said:


> I'm getting married in 9 weeks, and I'm having serious doubts I could use your help with.
> 
> I'm a 36 yo man, and my fiance is a woman the same age. We've been dating for ~5 years. I've been in serious relationships before, but I'm her first serious relationship that's lasted longer than 3 months. We're both career-oriented, share the same silly sense of humor, have easy connections when we're together, have similar goals when it comes to family, and we love each other SO much.
> 
> ...


Well you are only an asshole for sitting on it for 5 years. Really you have used up much of her reproductive life and you and her won't be happy Either you will constantly threatening to have more frequent sex than she wants which will lead to resentment or you'll be resentful because it isn't going to magically get better just cause you get married.

I'd be surprised if she is actually having multiple orgasms. She is probably just trying to help you along.
Get off the porn.

If she is really just forgetful you could try scheduling sex which means she knows it's coming and what night to plan form. But really it's best to part now before kids are involved.

Men just never get how ****ed up it is to hang around during the 30-35 year old years when things aren't going well.
You may have just killed her chance at kids, which is ok for you cause it won't effect you.

Step up and leave while she still has a chance.

You could try counseling but I doubt it will work.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Don't marry someone when there is this big a red flag. You'll both be unhappy.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Yah these situations never end well. Just read some dead bedroom/sexless marriage threads on here. It is incompatibility problem. Rarely are these situations happily resolved. Best to call it off.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Bail out now. It's not going to get better...likely only worse.
> 
> She is obviously a "sex hater" or it would be more important to HER too.
> 
> Bail my friend....bail.


Wow you aren't usually all red pill. Because she isn't turned on by him and his arguments she is automatically a sex hater? She maybe responsive desire that these two haven't learned how to negotiate. She may simply be low libido. She maybe very stressed out and not able to turn her brain off. He may not be speaking her love language in a way to get her horny. THere are so many possiblities..... But no she's a sex hater.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Before you get the next girlfriend you really should figure out why when you've waited for 2 weeks you can't have an orgasm without your hand.

Chances are it's porn and masturbation. Which if you are watching porn that's a turn off for many woman and they also put it in the he can take care of himself column.

To make your next relationship better get your hormones and such checked out to see why you are having ejaculation issues.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

the frequency of sex only goes down the years after you are married

why can you not orgasm with her during PIV sex?
is her vagina unusually large? large as in she is not a virgin at all? 

it sounds like you are not sexually, nor physically, compatible. discuss it with her. ask her specific quesitons, like WHY she does not want more frequent sex. an eager sex partner would have a way to make you orgasm....like after PIV sex where she came many times, she gives you a BJ, or switches over to anal sex because it is tighter for you....


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Mach3Maelstrom said:


> I'm getting married in 9 weeks, and I'm having serious doubts I could use your help with.
> 
> I'm a 36 yo man, and my fiance is a woman the same age. We've been dating for ~5 years. I've been in serious relationships before, but I'm her first serious relationship that's lasted longer than 3 months. We're both career-oriented, share the same silly sense of humor, have easy connections when we're together, have similar goals when it comes to family, and we love each other SO much.
> 
> ...


Yes. Or this example will be the stage for the rest of your life.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> Wow you aren't usually all red pill. Because she isn't turned on by him and his arguments she is automatically a sex hater? She maybe responsive desire that these two haven't learned how to negotiate. She may simply be low libido. She maybe very stressed out and not able to turn her brain off. He may not be speaking her love language in a way to get her horny. THere are so many possiblities..... But no she's a sex hater.


She might be. It's still in the realm of the data presented.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> First of all if she got to her thirties without having sex then she doesn’t like sex period.
> Secondly……..There’s no secondly, she just doesn’t like sex.
> Unless you want a lifetime of her bs you need to pull the plug now. You are still a young man, you can find a woman who is capable of having a good physical relationship with you.
> One more thing. Don’t date virgins especially ones in their thirties.


Many people who wait for sex till they are with someone special really like sex. She may or may not like sex but it certainly doesn't mean that all who wait don't.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Nope.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Mach3Maelstrom said:


> I'm getting married in 9 weeks, and I'm having serious doubts I could use your help with.
> 
> I'm a 36 yo man, and my fiance is a woman the same age. We've been dating for ~5 years. .................I and we love each other SO much........
> 
> ...



You dated her for 5 years and you haven't agreed upon something as basic as sex in your relationship?

My advice is you have 9 weeks prior to your wedding. Talk to her. Set up a series of weekly appointments with a sex therapist for counseling over the next 5 weeks. Tell her that this is a deal killer for you and that yes, you were a jerk for not dealing with it sooner.

The two of you need to figure out what your marriage vows and expectations should be in regards to sex and marriage. You should talk about sex after children are born, you should talk about sex and how it creates emotional bonding to hold a marriage together. You should both make commitments to each other at to the role that sex will have in your marriage and the importance of being faithful to each other and what that means in detail............otherwise, I think you will both have a lot of regrets.

Good luck.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Yes or you will regret it later


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She is right to be upset. You have let this go on for 5 years when she could have met a guy who actually wants to marry her and have children. To be honest that is disgusting. You should have dealt with this year's ago.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Mach3Maelstrom said:


> I'm getting married in 9 weeks, and I'm having serious doubts I could use your help with.
> 
> I'm a 36 yo man, and my fiance is a woman the same age. We've been dating for ~5 years. I've been in serious relationships before, but I'm her first serious relationship that's lasted longer than 3 months. We're both career-oriented, share the same silly sense of humor, have easy connections when we're together, have similar goals when it comes to family, and we love each other SO much.
> 
> ...


Why doesn't she finish you off, or you and her finish you off. I'm not getting why in the world you feel like you have to go into the bathroom to finish yourself re your description. Why? That's no future at all, that's no way for the here and now.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> She is right to be upset. You have let this go on for 5 years when she could have met a guy who actually wants to marry her and have children. To be honest that is disgusting. You should have dealt with this year's ago.


Tbh, I doubt he's never tried to have more frequent sex with her but it's now come to a critical point. Very doubtful this is the first time OP has ever said anything.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Do not have kids with this lady. If your sex life is bad now, it will be non-existent after a baby ..... I have a slight suspicion that she might be viewing you as a way to get pregnant right after marriage.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I agree. If you are unsatisfied now it will only get worse later. Save yourselves the grief. Better now 9 weeks before the wedding then later when you have to get a divorce, pay lawyers & filing fees & heaven forbid, have to deal with kids & custody.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> She is right to be upset. You have let this go on for 5 years when she could have met a guy who actually wants to marry her and have children. To be honest that is disgusting. You should have dealt with this year's ago.


i know. there literally is NO TIME LEFT.


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## Mach3Maelstrom (10 mo ago)

Thank you everyone for your responses so far.

For some clarity:

I do know that she doesn't hate sex. When we're having sex, she's enjoying it, she enjoys the orgasms, she's shared that she's always been curious about sex but too timid to try it. Please bear in mind she's of Asian descent, so culturally that does play a part.
[EDIT because a few people took this wrong] I mean she's literally born and raised in China, where there is a much more conservative culture surrounding sex than America. She's mentioned this to me and this is something I must be sensitive to.



Anastasia6 said:


> Well you are only an asshole for sitting on it for 5 years. Really you have used up much of her reproductive life and you and her won't be happy Either you will constantly threatening to have more frequent sex than she wants which will lead to resentment or you'll be resentful because it isn't going to magically get better just cause you get married.
> 
> I'd be surprised if she is actually having multiple orgasms. She is probably just trying to help you along.
> Get off the porn.
> ...





Diana7 said:


> She is right to be upset. You have let this go on for 5 years when she could have met a guy who actually wants to marry her and have children. To be honest that is disgusting. You should have dealt with this year's ago.



I appreciate both of your candor IMMENSELY. I agree that I wish I had this "ultimatum" conversation sooner... but please allow me to clarify some things I may not have been clear on:
I've sat with her and had many conversations about sex. I have not sat on this topic, as it were. I've asked her, "What can _I_ do to help you destress/relax/etc.? What would YOU find fun?" So to be clear, I've tried talking about it for the past 2 years, I haven't seen much change, I spent some time trying to just "let it go" to see if I can accept this, and only in the past 2 weeks did I realize that pit-of-my-stomach feeling was finally realizing how important this topic was for me... which again I shared immediately once I had the words to express it.
I know wholeheartedly that these years are very precious reproductive years, which is why I haven't beaten around the bush with emotions. If she felt like a need wasn't being met, I worked my ASS off to satisfy it. And if I felt like a need wasn't being met, I'd share it openly (even if it's uncomfortable).
My hormones are healthy and I do ejaculate with her, but it's just very rare.



Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Tbh, I doubt he's never tried to have more frequent sex with her but it's now come to a critical point. Very doubtful this is the first time OP has ever said anything.



Thank you. You're right that I've tried throughout the past multiple years and I've tried not caring about it, but it's now at a critical point.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Many people who wait for sex till they are with someone special really like sex. She may or may not like sex but it certainly doesn't mean that all who wait don't.


Diana not even you waited for thirty years.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Mach3Maelstrom said:


> I'm getting married in 9 weeks, and I'm having serious doubts I could use your help with.
> 
> I'm a 36 yo man, and my fiance is a woman the same age. We've been dating for ~5 years. I've been in serious relationships before, but I'm her first serious relationship that's lasted longer than 3 months. We're both career-oriented, share the same silly sense of humor, have easy connections when we're together, have similar goals when it comes to family, and we love each other SO much.
> 
> ...


Once every other week and not even married yet. You are probably looking at twice a year for the rest of your life and only for procreation. 

If you have already talked about this with her and she refuses to change with a wedding still on the line, what happens when you have zero leverage?


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Sorry to see you here, OP. While she may be an amazing woman, sexual incompatibility is a big deal and it will only get worse. Seeing a sex therapist may help but as other posters have said, this is likely just her.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Mach3Maelstrom said:


> Thank you everyone for your responses so far.
> 
> For some clarity:
> 
> ...


Well, the long and short of it is she's made her firm decision on sexual frequency. Now you need to make yours.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Mach3Maelstrom said:


> I've sat with her and had many conversations about sex. I have not sat on this topic, as it were. I've asked her, "What can _I_ do to help you destress/relax/etc.? What would YOU find fun?" So to be clear, I've tried talking about it for the past 2 years, I haven't seen much change, I spent some time trying to just "let it go" to see if I can accept this, and only in the past 2 weeks did I realize that pit-of-my-stomach feeling was finally realizing how important this topic was for me... which again I shared immediately once I had the words to express it.


It's NEVER going to change for the better. It will only get worse. 

You have to bail soon. Don't be a jerk to all the out of town guests. Give them time to cancel their travel plans.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

D0nnivain said:


> It's NEVER going to change for the better. It will only get worse.
> 
> You have to bail soon. Don't be a jerk to all the out of town guests. Give them time to cancel their travel plans.


Very good point.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Personally I think if this only came up after 5 years and after you proposed you are in no way ready to be married. This should have been a running dialog and part of your relationship the whole time.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

sokillme said:


> Personally I think if this only came up after 5 years and after you proposed you are in no way ready to be married. This should have been a running dialog and part of your relationship the whole time.


I also agree here but I also think it applies to your fiance as well. You've brought up intimacy multiple times and she has brushed it off. You haven't made this an ultimatum (which is such a mood killer anyways) but she is aware you need more physical interaction. She has made the choice to brush it off but is VERY reactive when she is faced with a potential consequence. 

Marriage will never work if both parties are not actively looking our for their partner's needs. Just because intimacy is not important for her does not mean she cant make it important because you matter to her. Same goes for men trying to be romantic in other ways to please their women even if it is not important for them personally. 

Even if the intimacy improves this relationship looks like a lot of take without pouring back into eachother's cups. You two will have a mountain of resentment by year 3.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

If you think you are miserable now just wait until you are married and you’re sexless and child-chained. The absolute truth is that it is your fault you let it get this far.

Asian …. Kewl ….. she will move her parents in the second you say “I wish I Didn’t” ……. Uuummmm I mean “I Do”


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I agree with most: better to end things now, because I'm certain you'll be increasingly unhappy as time passes, and feel trapped as well. As hard as it is to end things now, it will be immensely harder and costlier in the future.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

moulinyx said:


> I also agree here but I also think it applies to your fiance as well. You've brought up intimacy multiple times and she has brushed it off. You haven't made this an ultimatum (which is such a mood killer anyways) but she is aware you need more physical interaction. She has made the choice to brush it off but is VERY reactive when she is faced with a potential consequence.
> 
> Marriage will never work if both parties are not actively looking our for their partner's needs. Just because intimacy is not important for her does not mean she cant make it important because you matter to her. Same goes for men trying to be romantic in other ways to please their women even if it is not important for them personally.
> 
> Even if the intimacy improves this relationship looks like a lot of take without pouring back into eachother's cups. You two will have a mountain of resentment by year 3.


Agreed. Not a good sign that this would be a productive and sucessful marriage.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

I would not get married. It would only get worse.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Cancel. It’ll never be cheaper to get out than right now.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

OP i like where you are going.
she DOES like sex, just not at the frequency that you wish.

that gives you a lot of room to improve.
maybe if you added in kinky sexual acts, such as tying her hands while you make love, it would excite you enough to cum from PIV sex? would she be ammenable to try some kinky sexual moves? If so, then yeah, marry her...you two have just not found your sexual stride yet, and things will get better.

if she refuses any sort of new sexual positions or acts...then i would worry it will NOT get better.

so find some sex acts that get her ravenously horny, and you will be just fine. make sure she has multiple orgasms as you try these new things! Keep her excited to try new things.

Keep in mind that some women can not orgasm from PIV sex. in other words, she might be faking the orgasm to make you happy--and that would explain why she does not want a higher frequency of sex. Make SURE she really IS cumming. do cunnilingus on her until she is screaming in pleasure....use a lilo vibrator as she is tied to the bed, that sort of thing...


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## Imnobodynew (Feb 11, 2016)

"Please bear in mind she's of Asian descent, so culturally that does play a part."

*Um, don't blame the Asian in her. Please that's racist*. I'm half and wife is full there is no problem there. I know plenty of Asian girls and guys and there isn't a problem. This is about her as an individual not about a cultural or racial feature. Don't make excuses for her. I would point out is she from a religious family? That might be the issue. My wife is in early menopause (chemo). Hot flashes and everything and she still wakes me up at night to get frisky.

Don't make excuses. Postpone the wedding. Get a sex therapist. This might be a relational issue, personal issue, or past trauma. This is not an ethnic or cultural issue.

Your comment rubbed me wrong (no pun intended lol)


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> Before you get the next girlfriend you really should figure out why when you've waited for 2 weeks you can't have an orgasm without your hand.
> 
> Chances are it's porn and masturbation. Which if you are watching porn that's a turn off for many woman and they also put it in the he can take care of himself column.
> 
> To make your next relationship better get your hormones and such checked out to see why you are having ejaculation issues.


Wow...just wow. You don't know a thing about the male orgasm do you? At least it appears that way from what you wrote. BTW, I can orgasm by myself without even touching my ****, but can't orgasm a lot of the times when having sex no matter what. It has nothing to do with porn whatsoever. Maybe us guys are trying so hard to please you women that we get stressed out sometimes, did that ever occur to you, or do you go straight to porn as the cause? But it's not only you, I see a lot of you women on here going to same thing...porn as being the number one problem for all sexual related issues..


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Imnobodynew said:


> "Please bear in mind she's of Asian descent, so culturally that does play a part."
> 
> *Um, don't blame the Asian in her. Please that's racist*. I'm half and wife is full there is no problem there. I know plenty of Asian girls and guys and there isn't a problem. This is about her as an individual not about a cultural or racial feature. Don't make excuses for her. I would point out is she from a religious family? That might be the issue. My wife is in early menopause (chemo). Hot flashes and everything and she still wakes me up at night to get frisky.
> 
> ...


Being half Japanese myself I noticed the comment but just let it go. That being said, I haven't noticed a problem either! LOL


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

The only reason the OP is likely using porn, is because he only has sex every 14 days! If he had an active sex life, he might not need porn at all. I know when my sex life is good, porn is the LAST thing on my mind! Deprive a person of their main need and they turn to not so good alternatives. 

Sent from my SM-J327VPP using Tapatalk


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Mybabysgotit said:


> Wow...just wow. You don't know a thing about the male orgasm do you? At least it appears that way from what you wrote. BTW, I can orgasm by myself without even touching my ****, but can't orgasm a lot of the times when having sex no matter what. It has nothing to do with porn whatsoever. Maybe us guys are trying so hard to please you women that we get stressed out sometimes, did that ever occur to you, or do you go straight to porn as the cause? But it's not only you, I see a lot of you women on here going to same thing...porn as being the number one problem for all sexual related issues..


Sure. Which is why I specifically asked him why he couldn't orgasm with PIV and his fiancé. Notice he didn't answer except for the part to clarify he's healthy and it isn't his hormones (which I also asked about). You see I tried to get to the root of the issue but all you did was see porn and become a defender. 

signed
- US WOMEN (not misogynists at all )


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Its a minefield that will never get better.....don't believe that she will one day turn into a sex goddess...That will never happen...

Yes, it sucks to leave someone at the altar...But better do it now, rather than live a miserable life...

It doesn't make her a bad person, nor are you...You were with someone that didn't meet your expectation...Get kids involved then you are screwed...and the whole thing turns into a mess, and a situation where it may be almost impossible to extricate yourself from it....

At the very least, you should postpone it....But then I think you would just be delaying the inevitable...If you want to give it a shot, then fine, but at least postpone it,,,


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

If you think you are incompatible, this should have been ended a long time ago. She is 36 years old. End it immediately. She is at the very end of her reproductive life. She needs to be free immediately to pursue finding a father for her children or she will be childless for the rest of her life. For most women, that's HUGE.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I agree with Andy. If she was a very sexual person she wouldn't have been a virgin for that long. That's not going to get better with marriage. So if it's a deal breaker for you and it sounds like it is, call it off so she can get on with her life.

And sorry you're having to deal with this, especially since you actually do like her.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

My advice would be to postpone the wedding until an unspecified date. That should take the immediate pressure off of both of you to reassess whether this is something you actually WANT. It doesn't mean you can't decide to get married down the line. It just means that for right now, you guys have issues you need to address before you're ready.

That should give you time to attend counseling together and figure out what is going on. You should also go to a doctor individually because it sort of sounds like you may have some physical problems that you need to take care of - to not be able to orgasm from PIV sex is an issue at your age. You will want to address that because it sounds like in addition to frequency and compatibility issues with your sex life that you might have some medical stuff going on?


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Be prepared to hear that she doesn't want to be with you if you cancel or postpone the wedding but I would NOT pressure yourself into a marriage you don't want and assume these issues will go away - they only get worse with time.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Don't beat yourself up over the fact that it went on for a while...I think it's human nature for people to hope that things better with certain aspects and sex is not something that's easy to talk about...You found out quickly why a lot of guys don't even bother talking to women about it....It never goes well for the guy...She'll make you out to be some kind of sex fiend for wanting what (most) any guy would ...

Then even if she says she'll "work on it"....it's BS...People don't normally need to work on this stuff...either they do it or they don't ....She's almost 40 ffs...

It was 5 years,,,not 25 years....


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Andy1001 said:


> First of all if she got to her thirties without having sex then she doesn’t like sex period.
> Secondly……..There’s no secondly, she just doesn’t like sex.
> Unless you want a lifetime of her bs you need to pull the plug now. You are still a young man, you can find a woman who is capable of having a good physical relationship with you.
> One more thing. Don’t date virgins especially ones in their thirties.


Yeah, she clearly just isn't into sex as much as you are, and sexual incompatibility is pretty much a death knell to the success of a marriage. If you have communicated throughout the last few years about this issue but haven't reached any resolution, saying a few vows isn't going to change anything. You clearly love her, so think of calling off the wedding as loving her enough to not subject her to the misery that living with a sexually frustrated husband would be. You are loving her enough to liberate her now, instead of ten years from now when she is past childbearing years and you have grown to resent each other.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Mach3Maelstrom said:


> Last week, I told her that it's become clear to me that I NEED good, frequent sex to be happy in a marriage. *She got extremely defensive, accusing me of sitting on this for so long and not telling her, wasting 5 years, calling me a bastard, etc. etc.* I do feel guilty, *because I love her and I know she'll be hurt/impacted heavily if we call it off.* Though remember, I HAVE told her these things, just not the stakes. After the dust cleared, she said she'd be open to talking to a counselor about it -- but she doesn't want to postpone our wedding for it. In her words: "Either we have the wedding, or we *cancel it*."


You aren't married and already the sex isn't meeting your needs. She "interviewed" for the job of your wife and didn't pass the tests, It for sure isn't going to improve after a wedding. You need to read some of the threads on TAM from men who have been battling the sex war with their "wives" for years, miserable beyond belief. 

If she is calling you a bastard now, THAT is only going to become more disrespecting. 

Tina Turner sang a song "what's love got to do with it?" 

If you carry through with this marriage BOTH of you will be miserable, so SHE will be hurt anyway. This way she can find someone else with a lower libido than hers to spend her life with.

Cancel the wedding and be glad you did a test drive before buying the vehicle.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

@Mach3Maelstrom , I would like to chime in and echo what most people have said here. 

It is very likely that what you are seeing now and experiencing now would be the best sexual intimacy that you could have with this person. Once you are married, it's quite likely that the frequency will fall off even further. I don't know if I'm allowed to mention other websites here. But there s a popular website where people chat and upload news and stuff. If you search for the keyword "deadbedrooms" on that website, you'll get a glimpse into a room of horror that could potentially be your future should you choose to get married with this person.

Sexual compatibility is a very significant part of a relationship. When there's a great sexual compatibility, then sex is just a 10% of the whole relationship picture and you focus on cultivating the rest. When there's very poor sexual compatibility, then well, it becomes 90% of what causes issues in a relationship as you are experiencing now.


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## csj77 (May 6, 2018)

Just call it off.
I, too wonder why you waited till 9 weeks before the wedding. It has nothing to do with being Asian.
Do the woman a favour and break everything off. Wedding, relationship, all ties.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

@Mach3Maelstrom What is your frequency of porn use? I know it isn't the reason she doesn't have interest in sex, but there is a real possibility that it is the source of your difficulty orgasming. And why do you do it alone in the bathroom, why not with her? Are you trying to hide it from her. I know you've stated that you have talked to her about this, but it seems like you may have a tendency to keep issues hidden rather than openly discussing. 

You need to make a decision quickly. A lot of time has already been wasted. I'm betting that no amount of talking will change anything with her. The fact that she made it into her 30's without having sex is very telling IMO.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

csj77 said:


> Just call it off.
> I, too wonder why you waited till 9 weeks before the wedding. It has nothing to do with being Asian.
> Do the woman a favor and break everything off. Wedding, relationship, all ties.


Well I would hope that she wouldn't put up with the postpone thing. So I would think if he calls it off they would both agree that going their separate ways is the best idea.

In a way it may be a shame as this can sometimes be worked out.

Responsive desire has approaches that works.
Learning how to manage stress
I know the lack of him orgasming without his hand would screw with most womens heads and desire.
Theres scheduling and sex therapy.

Unfortunately since it's went on so long neither really has the time to find out if it is something that could be better.
We've had several who have gotten the dead bedrooms up and running but the long term odds are against it. So it is best not to marry. They'd just end up divorced.

I believe and thoroughly believe if you don't want to get married after 2 years then it's time to move on anyway. That's on her I guess.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> I'd be surprised if she is actually having multiple orgasms. She is probably just trying to help you along.
> Get off the porn.
> 
> If she is really just forgetful you could try scheduling sex which means she knows it's coming and what night to plan form. But really it's best to part now before kids are involved.
> ...


I agree with @Anastasia6 completely here.

I am not sure if she is having multiple orgasms. Men are usually clueless about when a woman orgasms. Porn that is catered towards men's test taste portray woman's orgasms in a very theatrical way IMO. I think she's probably faking it just to move you along. There's an old movie called "When Harry Met Sally", there's a scene there where the lead actress shows the lead actor that men are usually clueless about women's orgasms. If you've seen it, I think you might find it amusing.

If she's really forgetful, then she likely has very low libido and sex is just not a priority for her. She just "puts out" to accommodate you i.e. to shut you up from complaining for another couple of weeks. Once married, then the priorities become, job, kids, social commitments etc. and maybe somewhere at the bottom of the list is an item for husband's sexual needs.

I agree that it is very cfuked that there are men who string along women during their child bearing years. In this case, I'd say that she was stringing @Mach3Maelstrom along as well. She strung him along with infrequent sex, moving the goal posts by saying things like "It'll be better when the current project is over..." Not really listening to his needs. She's in her mid 30's. I think she knew what she was doing. I think she just didn't expect that he would just say "I'm done" and then walk out.

I think, there's going to be a lot of emotions and then she'll even try to up the frequency of sex. So, in other words if she wants to stay in this relationship, she'll do what she can temporarily to keep you around. The operative word here being "temporarily", because once she feels safe and secure in this relationship, she'll revert back to her true self.

So OP, in short, it is in your and her best interests in the long run not to go through with this marriage. In the short term, it's going to bring you a lot of hurt and anguish. You'll also likely be made out to be the bad guy. Although not all blame lies with you.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

EJECT
EJECT
EJECT

Pull ripcord…

Chute deployed!!!

Landing zone “non frigid fiancé” sighted!!!


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

scatty said:


> The only reason the OP is likely using porn, is because he only has sex every 14 days! If he had an active sex life, he might not need porn at all. I know when my sex life is good, porn is the LAST thing on my mind! Deprive a person of their main need and they turn to not so good alternatives.


This sounds like the chicken and egg problem. 

So, if he is being physically intimate with her often enough, then he would not need to use porn. But since he does not, he watches porn, which changes his physical habits which likely makes it difficult for him to orgasm which could disincentivize his fiancee in not having sex with him and so on.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> signed
> - US WOMEN (not misogynists at all )


Respectfully, I think the word you are looking for is misandry.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Another one for the end it now column. If you're not happy with the frequency now (and I wouldn't be either), marriage isn't going to make it any better, it will only start to drop off further.

What I also wouldn't do in her shoes is postpone the wedding, we'd be done. I'd say to myself "I'm 36, I've wasted 5 years, I'm going to be pushing poop uphill to get pregnant, I'm out".


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> She might be. It's still in the realm of the data presented.


The only reason I think she has issues with sex is that NEVER had sex before she was 31? That is not bad in and of itself, but these days, it points a bit to me that she has some issues around sex from her earlier years...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Cynthia said:


> If you think you are incompatible, this should have been ended a long time ago. She is 36 years old. End it immediately. She is at the very end of her reproductive life. She needs to be free immediately to pursue finding a father for her children or she will be childless for the rest of her life. For most women, that's HUGE.


Free her up so she can have children with a man, reel him in with some sex until the kids are born, and then cut him off totally.

You are within 5 weeks of a huge mistake. Cancel the wedding, break up with her, abd find someone that you’re compatible with. Let her find a low drive (more like no drive” man that would be happy with her.

As stated, what do you think will happen to the sex once you’re married and you have kids and if you divorce then, you’re on the hook for child support that the court dictates whether fair or not, and possibly alimony, etc?

Dating a woman for 5 years that you have a huge compatibility issue with, and have done nothing, shows that you are very indecisive.
Don’t be indecisive on this. Personally, from what you describe, I think you are considering marrying a woman that will sooner than later put you in a totally sexless marriage.
If you don’t want that, now is the tome to decide.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

OP, lemme lay some crone wisdom on you. Marriage is hard. It’s less hard when then dude who never puts anything away (thank God for his generosity) also curls your toes. If it’s not there now, doll, it’s not coming. End it before it gets ugly.


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## SurfsUpToday (Dec 6, 2021)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Bail out now. It's not going to get better...likely only worse.
> 
> She is obviously a "sex hater" or it would be more important to HER too.
> 
> Bail my friend....bail.


as someone who isn’t satisfied and married I say bail also. Her promises won’t matter once your stuck with a ring.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Was she a mail order ?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

jlg07 said:


> The only reason I think she has issues with sex is that NEVER had sex before she was 31? That is not bad in and of itself, but these days, it points a bit to me that she has some issues around sex from her earlier years...


Any chance she was sexually abused as a child?
it really is odd she had no sex until 31 years of age, and there might be a scary reason for that.
it would explain her odd behavior today about sex.
but such things CAN be fixed with psychiatric counseling.....


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I too would like to know why you can't orgasm with her.

That's important for good advice.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The purpose of dating is to spend time with and do a variety of things a person to see if you are compatible and a match with each other or not. 

It is to ensure that you don't get stuck with someone that you are incompatible with. 

You two should have gone your separate ways a long time ago. 

Each day that passes is going to be harder and more costly to get out of this.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The orgasm thing may or may not be a porn issue. 

While compulsive porn use can cause sexual dysfunction in men, bad sex can as well. 

There is a societal assumption that men will always orgasm and that there is no such thing as bad sex for men, but that is a myth and fallacy. 

Men also need to feel safe and comfortable and wanted and accepted etc to have a satisfying sexual experience, especially in a LTR. 

If it is an awkward and incompatible and uncomfortable experience, a man can have difficulty in becoming aroused and difficulty in orgasming just like a woman can. We are all still human.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

mmm.... she is going to be very happy about this...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> The orgasm thing may or may not be a porn issue.
> 
> While compulsive porn use can cause sexual dysfunction in men, bad sex can as well.
> 
> ...


Absolutely, which is why a couple of us have asked him what his issue is.

He has not answered this.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> I too would like to know why you can't orgasm with her.
> 
> That's important for good advice.


A man rarely gets sex, is in his thirties, and when he does get sex he has to go finish up in the bathroom? I agree, there needs to be some explanation on that.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> A man rarely gets sex, is in his thirties, and when he does get sex he has to go finish up in the bathroom? I agree, there needs to be some explanation on that.


While it probably doesn't impact this decision. It has great potential to impact the next relationship.


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## Lynnsnake (Dec 4, 2021)

Mach3Maelstrom said:


> I'm getting married in 9 weeks, and I'm having serious doubts I could use your help with.
> 
> I'm a 36 yo man, and my fiance is a woman the same age. We've been dating for ~5 years. I've been in serious relationships before, but I'm her first serious relationship that's lasted longer than 3 months. We're both career-oriented, share the same silly sense of humor, have easy connections when we're together, have similar goals when it comes to family, and we love each other SO much.
> 
> ...


I’m experienced at this. Same situation but married. I wouldn’t do it again. I’m saying DO NOT MARRY HER. You will be sorry. Better a small pain now, than a big pain later.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

2 whole posts folks...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> 2 whole posts folks...


One more than many of these threads end up with.😉


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> Any chance she was sexually abused as a child?
> it really is odd she had no sex until 31 years of age, and there might be a scary reason for that.
> it would explain her odd behavior today about sex.
> but such things CAN be fixed with psychiatric counseling.....


I agree. All good points and very good questions. 

One thing I'd like to say that, the time to explore answers to all these was long ago. It definitely is not now, as in, @Mach3Maelstrom should not be using his time to explore the answers to these questions. I think it'd drag the inevetable along and make things worse. 

Maybe it's time for her to schedule some individual therapy anyway and explore answers to these questions.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Calling off the wedding this late in the game is very cruel, but it pales in comparison to the cruelty you and she will endure if you go through with it.


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## Mach3Maelstrom (10 mo ago)

Thank you to everyone, especially those who gave me compassionate yet direct advice. Those who shared your personal stories let me know what it looks like on the other side of things.

I'm not going to lie -- I can take all kinds of feedback, but I'm feeling pretty misjudged here. When I saw this post here talking about virtually the same issue but with swapped roles, I figured I could get some perspective from others who have been in my spot before.

But I'll give benefit of the doubt and assume people here are really trying to help me (and may be getting lost over text).

I don't use porn often.
I've come regularly in previous relationships and figured our sex would improve with experience, but I've seen that this is not the case.
I stepped away for the evening & morning to get a mental reset. I'm not avoiding giving answers, but I'm also trying to figure out "should I leave or should I stay"? I have therapists to talk through my own sexual journey.
I again want to clarify that she literally was born & raised in China where the culture surrounding sex is much different, so I'm trying to be sensitive to that fact. I'm not even volunteering that -- she TOLD me this was one reason she doesn't see sex the same way I do.
Believe me -- I WISHED I had the clarity months ago instead of now... I'm posting here because I care about her and want to make the best decision for both of us. I tried sacrificing this need for our relationship and thought I could continue to do that... but I started feeling resentful.

So again, to those who have been compassionate & understanding, yet giving me very direct advice, I appreciate you. Thank you.

Here's what we plan to do in the meanwhile, with the help of all of your collective advice:

Those of you who shared personal stories made it clear that this does not get automatically better. And I should leave her ASAP so she can find a new man and we can move on.
We both believe in personal growth (one of the many things that attracted us to each other), so *we've had more conversations.* She's admitted she does feel defensive when we talk about sex at all, e.g. her mind simply doesn't want to go there. @oldshirt nailed it -- I just don't feel desired or wanted when we're having sex... I realize now it's not only her lack of experience (which is fixable), but her personal hangups with sex (as she herself calls them... she doesn't do therapy nor reflective thinking much, so she told me she's not attuned to how she feels in this area).
*My fiance & I have scheduled time with a sex therapist*. Many of you have said YMMV or it may not help, but if there's a CHANCE this will rectify our problem, I want us to take it.
*I'm traveling for a week on business starting tomorrow*. This will give us some time apart so we're not ALWAYS talking about bad stuff. During my trip, we'll stay off the sex topic and stay positive.
While I'm gone, *my fiance scheduled 1:1 time with a therapist* to get more aligned with what she thinks in this area. Then, when I return, we'll start our couples session.
If after several sessions we identify those "hangups" (again, as she calls them) and determine they're surmountable (i.e. she just needs more safety to explore & I'm feeling more desired/not taken for granted), then it's solvable and we'll continue our relationship.
If we determine those "hangups" are really just preferences and who she is, then we'll cancel the wedding and go through that pain.
Again, I understand the probabilities of #6 & #7 given most of your stories, but I feel if I don't give it our best go, we'd be forever thinking "what if we won the probability game and stayed together?"

Thanks again, everyone


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

The one bright light here Mach -- it looks like she is willing to put in the work to try and get this resolved. That is great news. I DO hope she can overcome her issues with sex.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Assuming you aren’t grossly overweight or chronically unemployed/underemployed, you are at your peak sexual market value right now and should be able to get with younger women that don’t have hang ups and who are sexually attracted to you right now. 

You can spend thousands and thousands of dollars and many years in therapy and she “might” get about 5-10% better than she is now.

Or you can wish her well and have a couple dates with a couple women that are comfortable and competent with their sexualities by next weekend. 

You’re spanking in the bathroom while she’s in the very next room. I mean c’mon, how much better do you really think she can get? She was a 31 year old woman that had never had sex and never in a relationship more than a few months. 

Why are you settling and why do you think this is the best you can get?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Mach3Maelstrom said:


> Thank you to everyone, especially those who gave me compassionate yet direct advice. Those who shared your personal stories let me know what it looks like on the other side of things.
> 
> I'm not going to lie -- I can take all kinds of feedback, but I'm feeling pretty misjudged here. When I saw this post here talking about virtually the same issue but with swapped roles, I figured I could get some perspective from others who have been in my spot before.
> 
> ...


like i said, it may be possible for her to learn to be more sexual.

and there is likely a culture clash between the advice you are getting here (a mostly western viewpoint) and one that is pertinent in Mainland China.

her going to counseling IS a very good sign.

And the last wedding i saw about in China was a MASSIVE affair....very hard to call something like that off on the last moment.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

So you dated and asked a girl to marry you that has never had sex. Then you expect her to initiate every other day. How many times has she turned you down when you I initiated? Seeing how you left it out of your first post. You have wasted 5 years of her life. Break it of so she can find a real man that loves her for who she is.

Fixed for those that can’t take figures of speech.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Imnobodynew said:


> "Please bear in mind she's of Asian descent, so culturally that does play a part."
> 
> *Um, don't blame the Asian in her. Please that's racist*. I'm half and wife is full there is no problem there. I know plenty of Asian girls and guys and there isn't a problem. This is about her as an individual not about a cultural or racial feature. Don't make excuses for her. I would point out is she from a religious family? That might be the issue. My wife is in early menopause (chemo). Hot flashes and everything and she still wakes me up at night to get frisky.
> 
> ...



Get off your racist soapbox. He was explaining the situation with his gf and why she has never had sex. There is nothing racist about that.


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## Imnobodynew (Feb 11, 2016)

ABHale said:


> Get off your racist soapbox. He was explaining the situation with his gf and why she has never had sex. There is nothing racist about that.


Abhale. There is a misconception about Asians and having sex and all that stuff. Listen it was her personal choice not her culture or her race. Upbringing maybe, religious values and stuff she might have to goto IC to overcome. But there's nothing different then say a woman here in the states, who is a white American who grew up in a Catholic extremist church that taught no oral or anything except missionary(because religion is used as a weapon of control) vs. A Catholic woman who just goes crazy on bed . That same woman would have to overcome her values through some kinda of support and IC if she wanted to change . It really comes down to her as an individual.

Indian women aren't supposed to have sex before marriage or they got disowned. I knew girls who did it anyways. Again it comes down to her. She chose to do so because something in her makeup. Its the way she wired. Not her race or culture.

Op I think she connects with you but... You have to make a choice of what is right for you. Starting a marriage is hard enough without being unhappy. Its not fair to her or you. Don't set yourself and her for failure. Don't put this choice off because you are avoiding conflict or trying to please her.

Imagine when you have kids or work is hard. There will be tired muscles and stress. There will be even less sex until you guys adjust well. It just doesn't sound like its in the DNA of your relationship with her.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Imnobodynew said:


> Abhale. There is a misconception about Asians and having sex and all that stuff. Listen it was her personal choice not her culture or her race. Upbringing maybe, religious values and stuff she might have to goto IC to overcome. But there's nothing different then say a woman here in the states, who is a white American who grew up in a Catholic extremist church that taught no oral or anything except missionary(because religion is used as a weapon of control) vs. A Catholic woman who just goes crazy on bed . That same woman would have to overcome her values through some kinda of support and IC if she wanted to change . It really comes down to her as an individual.
> 
> Indian women aren't supposed to have sex before marriage or they got disowned. I knew girls who did it anyways. Again it comes down to her. She chose to do so because something in her makeup. Its the way she wired. Not her race or culture.
> 
> ...


good points.
All of these foreign cultures are being exposed to Western values. and some of those values include having a marriage where you choose your partner, and where you expect good sex and a loving relationship. 
that is diametrically opposed to a lot of foreign cultures.

So they see how good things can be (when they are good) in western society, but want to integrate the same into their local cultural ways. 
we have seen a bunch of these sort of threads lately.

i suppose the entire world is changing, but apparently, not fast enough!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

ABHale said:


> So you dated and asked a girl to marry you that has never had sex. Then you expect her to be a porn star in bed. You are a POS. You have wasted 5 years of her life. Break it of so she can find a real man that loves her for who she is.


I disagree and that’s uncalled for. He wants to marry her, abd is trying to find every way possible to do so. But the guy can’t even get off with his fiancée…. I think there are other problems here that are the cause of that, because a woman doesn’t have to be a porn star to get a guy off, especially if he loves her.
But he’s got a problem and is trying to work it out. He clearly didn’t purposefully waste 5 years of her life. No need to call him a POS.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I don't know where all this hate and ire towards the OP is coming from. Has he handled this relationship perfectly? No, but find one person one this entire website that has....... if we all handled our relationships perfectly, this site wouldn't even exist. It wouldn't even need to exist. 

Granted we only get one side of things usually but I don't see where he has done anything with maliciousness or wanton neglect or recklessness. I don't see anything that would justify name calling.

He has been trying to make this relationship work and has been forthcoming with her that this is an issue for him that needs to be addressed and he has availed himself for counseling/therapy and has been doing his best to try to please and accommodate her throughout this. 

So why the hate and name calling and finger pointing??


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Additionally, our sexual beliefs, values and moral compass our influenced by our cultural, religious and even community and family backgrounds. That different countries, different cultures and different religious may have differing sexual beliefs and practices is not racism. It's recognizing that we may have different cultural influences that are effecting relationship dynamics. 

We have discussed these things many times in prior threads without any upset or accusations of racism etc so I'm not sure why this particular thread and this OP are upsetting people.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

A 30 year old virgin woman? That’s a first I’ve of such a thing. 

Why did it take 6 years for you to come to the conclusion to 1 want to marry her, but 2 that her lack of sex drive was going to be a deal breaker? I agree with @Anastasia6 that you wasted her last healthy reproductive years. Now at 36, she’s in the stage of life that there’s a much higher chance of not only having a harder time getting pregnant but also a higher risk for Down syndrome, autism, and her developing health issues from the pregnancy. I 2nd her opinion that if you’re going to end it, then end it quickly, so that she can move on.

I want to add that I don’t fault you for wanting out of an engagement to a woman that will not meet your sexual desires, but I do think it’s F’dup that you took this many years to come to this point.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

jsmart said:


> A 30 year old virgin woman? That’s a first I’ve of such a thing.
> 
> Why did it take 6 years for you to come to the conclusion to 1 want to marry her, but 2 that her lack of sex drive was going to be a deal breaker? I agree with @Anastasia6 that you wasted her last healthy reproductive years. Now at 36, she’s in the stage of life that there’s a much higher chance of not only having a harder time getting pregnant but also a higher risk for Down syndrome, autism, and her developing health issues from the pregnancy. I 2nd her opinion that if you’re going to end it, then end it quickly, so that she can move on.
> 
> I want to add that I don’t fault you for wanting out of an engagement to a woman that will not meet your sexual desires, but I do think it’s F’dup that you took this many years to come to this point.


If everything else was pretty good, it's not "f ed up" to hope that maybe this aspect would improve. I am sure he would probably be even satisfied with a half a loaf of bread. He's only getting the heel now. And it's stale. 

And why doesn't she get to shoulder some of the criticism for rug sweeping this? 

Either way, 5 years is nothing. 5 years go by in a flash. If it wont work then it won't. Period. I don't see the need to slag this guy because he tried. If he dumped her early on he'd be called a sex addict and an insensitive pr!ck. Can't win either way.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

jsmart said:


> A 30 year old virgin woman? That’s a first I’ve of such a thing.
> 
> Why did it take 6 years for you to come to the conclusion to 1 want to marry her, but 2 that her lack of sex drive was going to be a deal breaker? I agree with @Anastasia6 that you wasted her last healthy reproductive years. Now at 36, she’s in the stage of life that there’s a much higher chance of not only having a harder time getting pregnant but also a higher risk for Down syndrome, autism, and her developing health issues from the pregnancy. I 2nd her opinion that if you’re going to end it, then end it quickly, so that she can move on.
> 
> I want to add that I don’t fault you for wanting out of an engagement to a woman that will not meet your sexual desires, but I do think it’s F’dup that you took this many years to come to this point.


Her biological clock is not his responsibility. 

She had the right to dump his azz and find someone else at any point as well if she didn't think he was cutting it for her. 

Nothing here indicates that he was not sincere and acting in good faith. In fact I'd say he has gone above and beyond. How many guys do you know that would even come back the next weekend if they had to finish themselves off in the bathroom after giving someone several orgasms? 

He's been trying to make this work. It's not fair to demonize him as some kind of fertility thief.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Mach3Maelstrom said:


> I'm getting married in 9 weeks, and I'm having serious doubts I could use your help with.
> 
> I'm a 36 yo man, and my fiance is a woman the same age. We've been dating for ~5 years. I've been in serious relationships before, but I'm her first serious relationship that's lasted longer than 3 months. We're both career-oriented, share the same silly sense of humor, have easy connections when we're together, have similar goals when it comes to family, and we love each other SO much.
> 
> ...


_*I'm getting married in 9 weeks, and I'm having serious doubts *_

Trust your instincts. They won't lie to you.

*The only thing that we lack is good sex. *

Sexual compatibility is important. It is how you as a man bond to her.

*I'm her first serious relationship that's lasted longer than 3 months.*

So at age 31 she finally figure out how to have a relationship that lasted longer than 3 months. Harsh truth for you. Every other dude figured out she would go nowhere and bailed on her. You are the only one to have given her the benefit of the doubt. I would also doubt you are the first to have sex with her but that is a separate issue.

*I've tried talking with her about it saying specifically what I'd need, and she responds, "OK, I'll try my best..." or "Next month, Project X will be done so I won't be as stressed"... but then a couple months pass and nothing's been done.*

Communication is key to any marriage. If you have communicated the issue repeatedly and she has only offered excuses and done nothing that should have you worried. This is how she will address any issues in your marriage, excuses, empty promises and she won't do thing to improve the situation or work with you.

*Last week, I told her that it's become clear to me that I NEED good, frequent sex to be happy in a marriage. She got extremely defensive, accusing me of sitting on this for so long and not telling her, wasting 5 years, calling me a bastard, etc. etc*

She has accused you of sitting on an issue you have brought to her attention before. See the bolded item before this last one. She has accused you of wasting 5 years of her life. This is called projection. She is accusing you of what she has done. She has wasted 5 years of your life because she has not wanted to do anything to address your concerns.

Should you marry this woman. NO. She has no interest in communicating with you clearly. She has in fact claimed you have sat on this issue these last 5 years when you have not. When you have addressed it with her she has offered you excuses and done nothing. If you think sex is bad now you can expect it to go away completely after you marry her - deadbedroom. Sex will be used as a control mechanism on you not a means to bond with you. 

You both are out 5 years. If you marry her you will lose a whole lot more of your time, energy and money. Divorce is expensive. If you have children so is child support. Your best opportunity to leave this disaster is now before additional legalities and complications are introduced.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

So was she a mail order ? What is it about yourself that got you into this mess? We’re you ever dating women face to face before? Why did you settle so low on the bar?

Something isn’t adding up.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Imnobodynew said:


> Abhale. There is a misconception about Asians and having sex and all that stuff. Listen it was her personal choice not her culture or her race. Upbringing maybe, religious values and stuff she might have to goto IC to overcome. But there's nothing different then say a woman here in the states, who is a white American who grew up in a Catholic extremist church that taught no oral or anything except missionary(because religion is used as a weapon of control) vs. A Catholic woman who just goes crazy on bed . That same woman would have to overcome her values through some kinda of support and IC if she wanted to change . It really comes down to her as an individual.
> 
> Indian women aren't supposed to have sex before marriage or they got disowned. I knew girls who did it anyways. Again it comes down to her. She chose to do so because something in her makeup. Its the way she wired. Not her race or culture.
> 
> ...


I have been in Japan and South Korea, I will just disagree with what you are saying.

Also, if you think waiting until marriage is a bad thing, your the one with the problem.


----------



## Imnobodynew (Feb 11, 2016)

So have I. I'm half Korean btw lol They have sex in the karaoke shops now lol. 
We can agree to disagree lol Nowhere in that splurg says anything about waiting or not waiting before marriage. I think people have a choice to thier own life and what they can handle. 

My body count was high before I met my wife, to be honest. I wish I had waited. To much junk from pervious partners in my head. The op compares his sex life with previous partners to his current. I think that isn't fair.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

ABHale said:


> So you dated and asked a girl to marry you that has never had sex. Then you expect her to be a porn star in bed. You are a POS. You have wasted 5 years of her life. Break it of so she can find a real man that loves her for who she is.


I think that's a very poor straw man. I think he is giving his best try to make it work. I don't think he ever mentioned that he wants her to be a porn star in bed. And wishing to have a partner with matching libidos does not make a person POS. 

In the original post @Mach3Maelstrom mentioned that:



Mach3Maelstrom said:


> I've tried talking with her about it saying specifically what I'd need, and she responds, "OK, I'll try my best..." or "Next month, Project X will be done so I won't be as stressed"... but then a couple months pass and nothing's been done.
> Many times, she doesn't even realize how long it's been since we've last had sex, which tells me this isn't a problem for her. There have been many times when I bring up the quantity issue and she tells me, "We have a lot of sex!", but then I ask her to think back to when and it's about 2 weeks since we last had sex.
> I've been trying to sweep this under the rug by thinking "Maybe I don't need this" and "Maybe I'll help her de-stress"... but even when we're relaxed and on vacation, the sex isn't fulfilling.


With this I can see how the five years would go by with very little to no resolution to this issue. It looks like she has been moving the goal posts and just doing the bare minimum to keep him around. 

I agree with your suggestion though. It's best if he breaks it off so that she can find a real man who loves her for who she is and he can find a real woman who loves him for who he is.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Asterix said:


> I think that's a very poor straw man. I think he is giving his best try to make it work. I don't think he ever mentioned that he wants her to be a porn star in bed. And wishing to have a partner with matching libidos does not make a person POS.
> 
> In the original post @Mach3Maelstrom mentioned that:
> 
> ...


I find it hard to believe that a person can go so long without realising much earlier that he didn't love her and accept her enough to marry her as she is. 
It's a very long time for a women in her 30's to go to then be rejected. If she wants children then she has little time to meet someone who does love her as she is. I hope she can meet a guy and have children before it's too late.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> I find it hard to believe that a person can go so long without realising much earlier that he didn't love her and accept her enough to marry her as she is.
> It's a very long time for a women in her 30's to go to then be rejected. If she wants children then she has little time to meet someone who does love her as she is. I hope she can meet a guy and have children before it's too late.


“The only thing that we lack is good sex. In short:
We only have sex about once every other week. I have a high libido, and her a low one, and I'd want sex at least every other day.”

They have sex about once every two weeks, which is my opinion, extremely low. OP wants every day. He’s been with her 5 years and is considering marrying her in spite of the awful sex. Clearly, he isn’t in it just for sex.
He wants it every day but he gets it every two weeks or so. Who is really doing the rejecting????
OP, you’re not being too hard to please, and marriage is at least a little about a sexual relationship. The sex will never be right with her. I advise to break it off and break up. I think once you have kids, are married, and shoved in the ice chest, you’ll be filleted and left out to dry with zero sex.

You should have definitely broke things off when the sex wasn’t good a long time ago, but do it now before it’s too late. Sex doesn’t necessarily get worse when you’re married, but it rarely gets better. It gets worse a LOT.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Asterix said:


> I think that's a very poor straw man. I think he is giving his best try to make it work. I don't think he ever mentioned that he wants her to be a porn star in bed. And wishing to have a partner with matching libidos does not make a person POS.
> 
> In the original post @Mach3Maelstrom mentioned that:
> 
> ...


I don’t believe he is, we will just disagree on this.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I find it hard to believe that a person can go so long without realising much earlier that he didn't love her and accept her enough to marry her as she is.


Based on what I read in @Mach3Maelstrom posts, it looks like he mentioned his needs to her many times during the years. I think they both were likely aware that there was an issue with physical intimacy between them. I don't think he said to her or in his posts that he didn't love her.



Diana7 said:


> It's a very long time for a women in her 30's to go to then be rejected. If she wants children then she has little time to meet someone who does love her as she is. I hope she can meet a guy and have children before it's too late.


I agree that it's a long time for a woman in her 30's to go then be rejected. But I don't think he led her on. I think both of them were trying their best to adjust to the situation but now that there's very little time remaining before the wedding. all these issues are now coming up. I think both of them were aware of the issues of physical intimacy and were essentially sweeping those issues under the rug. Now there's mountain under the rug and they are trying to figure out what to do with it.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Mach3Maelstrom said:


> I'm getting married in 9 weeks, and I'm having serious doubts I could use your help with.
> 
> I'm a 36 yo man, and my fiance is a woman the same age. We've been dating for ~5 years. I've been in serious relationships before, but I'm her first serious relationship that's lasted longer than 3 months. We're both career-oriented, share the same silly sense of humor, have easy connections when we're together, have similar goals when it comes to family, and we love each other SO much.
> 
> *The only thing that we lack is good sex.* In short:



Look, that "only thing" is enough to call off the wedding.

All those other things you mentioned, you could have in common with another guy. You could have a male buddy who is career-oriented, have the same sense of humor, connect well with you, etc. But you don't marry your male buddy, if you're heterosexual. Why? Because there's no sexual attraction/activity with your male buddy.

It's the sexual aspect that makes you bond with a mate of the opposite sex. So, rather than being "just one thing", sexual dysfunction/incompatibility is the 800 lb gorilla in the room. You can't ignore it. It won't go away just by ignoring it.

Call off the wedding. Now. 

And don't let anyone guilt you into going through with it just because "she's wasted so much of her time on you." I was guilted/pressured into my marriage with my ex. Don't do it! Learn from my sad example!


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## somedayyouwillfindme (11 mo ago)

Ok after reading your initial post my advice to you is call off the marriage. Why? Well I advise you to read my thread. I won't add the link here as to me this is your thread & I don't want to 'thread jack' BUT if you want to PM me please do so. There are a lot of usernames on here commenting that I now know very well who know my situation. If I could turn the clock back I would - You still have that chance.

I'm normally a positive guy & try to say 'yes there is a way to work this out' (and don't get me wrong with a LOT of hard work & bad times you probably could) but do you really want to go through all that? That is the question? Do you really want your marriage to be a task almost, like mine is at present?

My advice is to call the wedding off. It may not even mean you split up but just be honest with her & say you need things sorted first. It will take months though so be prepared for that. Chances are you'll have a massive argument off the back of cancelling which will send your life one of two ways. Either you'll both have some space & then come back stronger to sort it all out long term or you'll go your separate ways. Just cancel/postpone the wedding for now. That was your question & that is my personal answer. What you do after that is up to you. At least you have options.

All the best & if you want to read my story which may benefit you a hell of a lot please do send me a private message.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

I don't understand some of the tone of the replies to this thread.

There seems to be some defence for his fiance's biological clock, without any evidence that it required defending. Just because he said she got defensive saying he wasted 5 years doesn't necessarily mean it was biological clock related.

I read that she is career minded. If she waited until 30 to even begin having sex, she either wasn't thinking of her biological clock or she was misguided in her timelines. If she is very career minded and focussed on that, perhaps she isn't wanting children? We don't know the answer to that. I didn't see it asked.

OP, good luck with the therapy.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

OP, do what you and your fiance need to do. You sound like an intelligent and compassionate guy, so maybe you guys can figure it out. Maybe not, but it sounds like ya'll are atleast willing to try as far as I can gather from your last post and that's the best you can do if you both feel it is worth saving. 

There is a lot of misdirected bitterness on this thread. They don't know you or your relationship, only bits and parts of it. There is a whole lot more to your story. Take what you need and leave the rest. Good luck to both of you.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

ABHale said:


> So you dated and asked a girl to marry you that has never had sex. Then you expect her to be a porn star in bed. You are a POS. You have wasted 5 years of her life. Break it of so she can find a real man that loves her for who she is.


Where does OP write he expects immediate pornstar sex right away?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

jsmart said:


> A 30 year old virgin woman? That’s a first I’ve of such a thing.


in America, sure.
In another country, i bet it is pretty common.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> There is a lot of misdirected bitterness on this thread. They don't know you or your relationship, only bits and parts of it. There is a whole lot more to your story. Take what you need and leave the rest. Good luck to both of you.


i agree.
pick and choose what advice you apply.
IF she is receptive to changing and learning....THAT is exactly what marriage is supposed to be about.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

CountryMike said:


> Where does OP write he expects immediate pornstar sex right away?


That wasn’t my point.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

So if she can have multiple orgasms, why the hell wouldn't she not want to have sex more often?? Is she not as attracted to you? Perish the thought, but could she be getting it on the side?

Something is fishy. The fact you brought it up to her and she got defensive to the point of calling you a bastard??? Sorry I have to jump right to this, but it almost sounds as if she is stepping out. 
Could that be possible? If you don't think so, then I am flummoxed by this.

EDIT: after reading your last reply, I'm walking back on stepping out being a possibility. Yes, counseling can help, but you really need to find out if she just doesn't have the attraction for you that you do her. If she doesn't, then she has wasted your time, not the other way around. If it's not about lack of attraction, then you'll need to find out what it is about, because if you don't then you surely will be disappointed in the marriage. Let us know how counseling goes.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> She is right to be upset. You have let this go on for 5 years when she could have met a guy who actually wants to marry her and have children. To be honest that is disgusting. You should have dealt with this year's ago.


Uh, but....he wants to marry her. He would just like the sex to be more frequent. The only reason she would get upset is if she doesn't want sex with him that much, and if that's the case...then he is the a**hole here??


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Mach3Maelstrom said:


> Thank you to everyone, especially those who gave me compassionate yet direct advice. Those who shared your personal stories let me know what it looks like on the other side of things.
> 
> I'm not going to lie -- I can take all kinds of feedback, but I'm feeling pretty misjudged here. When I saw this post here talking about virtually the same issue but with swapped roles, I figured I could get some perspective from others who have been in my spot before.


Oh, I see you got a taste of the "men bad" replies no matter how much you want this to work. You simply brought up an issue with your fiance because you want things to be better and you get denigrated for it. You'll see that from some of the same posters here if you look back at their history and learn to just ignore them.

Yes, you waited 5 years. You shouldn't have. But this isn't something you should be receiving a bunch of flak for and I am concerned at your fiane's reaction. I can understand a little defensiveness...but calling you a bastard and getting mouth frothing angry over simply wanting more frequency to your intimacy?


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

drencrom said:


> Yes, you waited 5 years. You shouldn't have. But this isn't something you should be receiving a bunch of flak for and I am concerned at your fiane's reaction. I can understand a little defensiveness...but calling you a bastard and getting mouth frothing angry over simply wanting more frequency to your intimacy?


I don't even think that he waited for 5 years. Based on what I read, he's been bringing up his concerns on a regular basis about their physical intimacy (or the lack thereof) and the difference between their libidos. I think, she either did not take the concerns seriously or just gave lip service (no pun intended) just to shut him up for that time. She also moved the goal posts as mentioned by him below:

("I've tried talking with her about it saying specifically what I'd need, and she responds, "OK, I'll try my best..." or "Next month, Project X will be done so I won't be as stressed"... but then a couple months pass and nothing's been done. ")

I think as a 36 year old woman, she knew what she was doing. She just didn't expect him to say "hey, I'm having second thoughts". 

So as far as the issue of "wasting five years" is concerned, I think she needs to shoulder some responsibility of that. Bashing @Mach3Maelstrom takes the attention away from the main issue here. The issue is the lack of sexual compatibility and their rug sweeping of that over the last five years. 

If we look at it from a different point of view, her actions could be considered as disregarding his serious concerns about their relationship issues which could also point to a certain lack of respect of his wishes and opinions.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Hey, @*Mach3Maelstrom*

Did you actually want to engage in this conversation or not? An advice forum with a bunch of strangers requires a little back and forth.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Cletus said:


> Hey, @*Mach3Maelstrom*
> 
> Did you actually want to engage in this conversation or not? An advice forum with a bunch of strangers requires a little back and forth.


He got a good bashing here from a couple of the women here and even one of the dudes, but to his credit he did come back and defend himself.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

ABHale said:


> I don’t believe he is, we will just disagree on this.


So then please point out, where did he say he wants a porn freak in the bedroom?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Op, does your fiance want children?


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

drencrom said:


> So then please point out, where did he say he wants a porn freak in the bedroom?


Can we say it? C'mon, we'll just say it for him!
👍👍🤣🤣🤣


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Wolfman1968 said:


> It's the sexual aspect that makes you bond with a mate of the opposite sex.


That's a profundity right there.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Op, does your fiance want children?


Does it matter either way whether she does or whether she doesn’t?

If he is dissatisfied with their relationship and is questioning whether to be with her at all, whether she wants kids or not is irrelevant. 

The fact he is questioning the viability of their relationship is indicates he should NOT have kids with her.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

drencrom said:


> So then please point out, where did he say he wants a porn freak in the bedroom?


Just a figure of speech.

He has been dating a girl for five years, one that has only been with him. He knew she was inexperienced in bed from the start.

Instead of hey let’s try this, he says this is what I need. He has had five years to talk and try new things with her. It doesn’t sound like he has done anything except to say “I need this from you”. He is the experienced one, he couldn’t show her what he needed?

As far as frequency goes, how often was he initiating, was he relying on her to do it? I might of missed it but I didn’t see anything about her turning him down when he initiated.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

drencrom said:


> Oh, I see you got a taste of the "men bad" replies no matter how much you want this to work. You simply brought up an issue with your fiance because you want things to be better and you get denigrated for it. You'll see that from some of the same posters here if you look back at their history and learn to just ignore them.
> 
> Yes, you waited 5 years. You shouldn't have. But this isn't something you should be receiving a bunch of flak for and I am concerned at your fiane's reaction. I can understand a little defensiveness...but calling you a bastard and getting mouth frothing angry over simply wanting more frequency to your intimacy?


It all depends on how he told her. He basically told her he wasn’t going to be happy with her as his wife. I am guessing he is the one that proposed to her, he could have waited if things were as bad as he describes.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

*I'm unsatisfied sexually... should I call off our wedding?*

Yes. Unless you want to remain sexually frustrated for the rest of your life.

You can't fix it, you can't bargain with it. It will be just as it is now for as long as your marriage lasts. Get out NOW, before it costs you a bloody fortune in money, time, effort, and all those sacrificial thiings that marriage will DEMAND of you and give you NOTHING in return for. All those things that you will, like me, RESENT HELL out of and wish 1000 times that you never married at all.



drencrom said:


> Yes, you waited 5 years.


You don't get those 5 back. But you can give yourself the next 35 in happiness, or in sorrow and regret. Your choice.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

ABHale said:


> Just a figure of speech.
> 
> He has been dating a girl for five years, one that has only been with him. He knew she was inexperienced in bed from the start.
> 
> ...


By his description it sounds like he simply wants her to enjoy the experience and act like she is into him. Not specific sexual behaviors.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

drencrom said:


> By his description it sounds like he simply wants her to enjoy the experience and act like she is into him. Not specific sexual behaviors.


He said that she seems to enjoy sex.

Being into someone and initiating are two different things. My wife doesn’t initiate often, maybe a few times a year. She doesn’t say no when I do, we have a pretty good sex life. My wife can do without sex if need be. She enjoys cuddling on the couch watching a movie or show more. That doesn’t mean she isn’t into me, it is just who she is.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

ABHale said:


> He said that she seems to enjoy sex.
> 
> Being into someone and initiating are two different things. My wife doesn’t initiate often, maybe a few times a year. She doesn’t say no when I do, we have a pretty good sex life. My wife can do without sex if need be. She enjoys cuddling on the couch watching a movie or show more. That doesn’t mean she isn’t into me, it is just who she is.


Bah, you're right. I'm getting my threads mixed up. Wrong one.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Does it matter either way whether she does or whether she doesn’t?
> 
> If he is dissatisfied with their relationship and is questioning whether to be with her at all, whether she wants kids or not is irrelevant.
> 
> The fact he is questioning the viability of their relationship is indicates he should NOT have kids with her.


Yes it does matter.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Yes it does matter.


How?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

How is Diana going to use “stay for the kids” when the wife has them and cuts him off sex, if he doesn’t get her pregnant?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> How?


Because if she wants children she hasn't got much time left to find another guy and have children if he gives her the boot. Therefore he needs to stop wasting her time and make his mind up.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> How is Diana going to use “stay for the kids” when the wife has them and cuts him off sex, if he doesn’t get her pregnant?


Could you abandon your children? I could never ever do that.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Because if she wants children she hasn't got much time left to find another guy and have children if he gives her the boot. Therefore he needs to stop wasting her time and make his mind up.



I may have missed it, but has she been pestering him to get pregnant??


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Mach3Maelstrom said:


> I'm getting married in 9 weeks, and I'm having serious doubts I could use your help with.
> 
> I'm a 36 yo man, and my fiance is a woman the same age. We've been dating for ~5 years. I've been in serious relationships before, but I'm her first serious relationship that's lasted longer than 3 months. We're both career-oriented, share the same silly sense of humor, have easy connections when we're together, have similar goals when it comes to family, and we love each other SO much.
> 
> ...


Don't do it! Do not get attached to her. You will be miserable. 
Eject! Eject! Eject!


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

While sometimes circumstances make ultimatums necessary, I generally don’t like them. When she told you basically marry her now or not at all, I think that particular ultimatum is a HUGE red flag. I would be very skeptical that she is seriously committed to working on your sexual problems and once she has you on the hook with marriage I’d be very surprised if anything changes. I feel bad that she lost 5 years of her life, I know how that feels. BUT, when I lost 3 years of my late twenties, I was LIED to. You have talked to her about this, over and over, and here you are about to get married and she’s ignored your needs to the point where you were forced to take this stand? That doesn’t seem very loving of her. It doesn’t bode well for the future.

We can talk about the 5 years, hindsight being what it is, but I think the important thing is that if you stay, you’re accepting what you’re getting now, or less. 5 years is a long time, but 25 is MUCH longer, and that’s what you’re in for if you stay. If you were my friend, I’d advise you to get out now.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Cletus said:


> Hey, @*Mach3Maelstrom*
> 
> Did you actually want to engage in this conversation or not? An advice forum with a bunch of strangers requires a little back and forth.


QFT.
3 posts and almost zero interaction or answering of questions.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Because if she wants children she hasn't got much time left to find another guy and have children if he gives her the boot. Therefore he needs to stop wasting her time and make his mind up.


I agree he needs to crap or get off the pot immediately. 

But he needs to decide based on his own criteria and not her fertility. 

He hasn’t been leading her on or deceiving her or playing her. He has been communicating his concerns with her and has been trying to make the relationship work. 

Her fertility is her business.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> QFT.
> 3 posts and almost zero interaction or answering of questions.


Isn't that his prerogative? Maybe we should stop debating his issues. What's the point without any input from the OP? But, somehow, we are all still here speculating...


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## 241happyhour (Jan 31, 2011)

Get out now and quit wasting both of y’all’s time. Life is too short to not be sexually happy. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> QFT.
> 3 posts and almost zero interaction or answering of questions.


Quit lying.

........ it was 2 posts.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

drencrom said:


> Quit lying.
> 
> ........ it was 2 posts.


You're ridiculous. 😉 😉 😉 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You're ridiculous. 😉 😉 😉 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> I find it hard to believe that a person can go so long without realising much earlier that he didn't love her and accept her enough to marry her as she is.
> It's a very long time for a women in her 30's to go to then be rejected. If she wants children then she has little time to meet someone who does love her as she is. I hope she can meet a guy and have children before it's too late.


My marriage was over for about that long before we separated. A lot of the same things were said by her (or thought by me) about future improvement. Once work gets better... Once stress is less.... And then the things happen and nothing gets better and your down another 6 months. Then the next goalpost is identified 6 more months down the road. That one passes and nothing gets better. Rinse and repeat.

There is a clue to the fact that she's probably had similar problems in the past because of the limited relationship experience.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

drencrom said:


> Quit lying.
> 
> ........ it was 2 posts.


Hey!


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> Hey!
> 
> View attachment 84839


Ah, well crap, I lied. LOL I was looking at his number of replies thinking that is the entirety of his posts.

I sowwy for saying you lied.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

drencrom said:


> Ah, well crap, I lied. LOL I was looking at his number of replies thinking that is the entirety of his posts.
> 
> I sowwy for saying you lied.


In the immortal words of the really fat Mexican girl in Nacho Libre, "It's ok. I forgeeve you." 😎😋


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

hamadryad said:


> I may have missed it, but has she been pestering him to get pregnant??


Thats what I was asking.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Op, does your fiance want children?


Most likely not considering how little they have sex.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> In the immortal words of the really fat Mexican girl in Nacho Libre, "It's ok. I forgeeve you." 😎😋


Ah, a BBW!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> While sometimes circumstances make ultimatums necessary, I generally don’t like them. When she told you basically marry her now or not at all, I think that particular ultimatum is a HUGE red flag. I would be very skeptical that she is seriously committed to working on your sexual problems and once she has you on the hook with marriage I’d be very surprised if anything changes. I feel bad that she lost 5 years of her life, I know how that feels. BUT, when I lost 3 years of my late twenties, I was LIED to. You have talked to her about this, over and over, and here you are about to get married and she’s ignored your needs to the point where you were forced to take this stand? That doesn’t seem very loving of her. It doesn’t bode well for the future.
> 
> We can talk about the 5 years, hindsight being what it is, but I think the important thing is that if you stay, you’re accepting what you’re getting now, or less. 5 years is a long time, but 25 is MUCH longer, and that’s what you’re in for if you stay. If you were my friend, I’d advise you to get out now.


that IS a red flag that as soon as he is married, she will start refusing him sex!
and eager attitude RIGHT NOW toward sex would be a lot calming to the OP as he has to make his decision. 
Like if she showed up wearing really sexy lingerie, and enticing him into bed, he would probably take that as a GOOD sign that she is moving in the right direction....

but you know, some people are stubborn, and some people are too embarassed to change how they operate.....


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

Talker67 said:


> the frequency of sex only goes down the years after you are married
> 
> why can you not orgasm with her during PIV sex?
> is her vagina unusually large? large as in she is not a virgin at all?


Your comment makes no sense. A vagina can be large or small, just as a penis can be larger or small. It has nothing to do with virginity. Before a woman has sex for the first time, there may be a hymen, a tiny bit of membrane partially covering the opening of the vagina. It doesn't cover the entire vagina and it doesn't "pop". It may tear and bleed the first time she has sex or it may not. It may or may not create discomfort. It may not even be there; not all women have one. But, if it is there, it disappears with the first few instances of sexual intercourse and doesn't return. It's just a partial membrane, a thin layer of cells. It's fragile and does not regenerate. 

A vagina doesn't get stretched out with sex. Doesn't matter how many men a woman has sex with or how big their penises. The muscles in and around the vagina are like the facial muscles that allow one to smile. They stretch and unstretch without harm. A vagina will tighten around a penis so it doesn't make sex better if the guy's **** is large. If a woman is excited, she'll be well lubricated and there won't be as much friction as if she's less excited. So if a woman feels tight, it may be evidence of a lack of stimulation. In other words, it might be nothing more than the fact that she's not that into you. Or she may tend to be dry. Or she may have a small vagina. Either way, it says nothing about her sexual history.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Mach3Maelstrom said:


> I'm getting married in 9 weeks, and I'm having serious doubts I could use your help with.
> 
> I'm a 36 yo man, and my fiance is a woman the same age. We've been dating for ~5 years. I've been in serious relationships before, but I'm her first serious relationship that's lasted longer than 3 months. We're both career-oriented, share the same silly sense of humor, have easy connections when we're together, have similar goals when it comes to family, and we love each other SO much.
> 
> ...


Postpone it 6 months seek a gottman therapist. You are 4 years past the honey moon phase, you both should have sex 3 times a week along with intimacy non sexuak in and out of bedroom too. Sex 1 x a week is per evidence base is no sex. If you are not gaming each other and taking turns seducing and in 6 months you don't make you and her needs met after discussing and therapy
I suggest walk away, find another. Run pal


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

David60525 said:


> Postpone it 6 months seek a gottman therapist. You are 4 years past the honey moon phase, you both should have sex 3 times a week along with intimacy non sexuak in and out of bedroom too. Sex 1 x a week is per evidence base is no sex. If you are not gaming each other and taking turns seducing and in 6 months you don't make you and her needs met after discussing and therapy
> I suggest walk away, find another. Run pal


I'd guess that the number of couples having sex three times a week is small. I also don't think there are hard and fast rules. For one couple, sex multiple times per week might be important. Another couple may have sex once a month and it's completely fine. Bottom line is it has to work for both spouses. 

If a couple is having sex rarely or never, that probably reflects a lack of intimacy. Unless there's a physical disability. Even then, people can hold each other and find healthy ways to express intimacy. A lot of times, touching and being touched is less important than knowing one's partner has the desire to touch and be touched (and of course having that desire oneself).


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Mach3Maelstrom said:


> I'm getting married in 9 weeks, and I'm having serious doubts I could use your help with.
> 
> I'm a 36 yo man, and my fiance is a woman the same age. We've been dating for ~5 years. I've been in serious relationships before, but I'm her first serious relationship that's lasted longer than 3 months. We're both career-oriented, share the same silly sense of humor, have easy connections when we're together, have similar goals when it comes to family, and we love each other SO much.
> 
> ...


This is gaslighting. You have brought up the subject repeatedly, but she really has done nothing about it. The only part I will put fault on is your failure to recognize this before the decision to get married. This would be a whole different matter if she suddenly dropped frequency after marriage. If she is going to make ultimatums, and is not willing to compromise, this is not a good thing for your future. A postponement ASAP is the only good compromise right now. There is no way that you will get any meaningful counseling in only 9 weeks, unless you can get someone available for once or more a week. The only other possible compromise is the one that most couple are not able to do, and that is the open marriage. You don't sound like that is part of your make-up. If it was hers, she probably have already proposed it. If a LD person is, no puns intended, open to this sort of thing, they are usually the ones to suggest it. But such a suggestion might either wake her up to how important this is to you, or cause her to end it, which releases you.

Marriage is about compromise, but not the compromise of one's well being. Not being able to go to the track as often as you used to is a compromise. Stifling your needs when not necessary is not.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

maquiscat said:


> Marriage is about compromise, but not the compromise of one's well being.


Marriage isn't about compromise. It does involve compromise at times, but that's not what it's about.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Parallax857 said:


> Your comment makes no sense. A vagina can be large or small, just as a penis can be larger or small. It has nothing to do with virginity. Before a woman has sex for the first time, there may be a hymen, a tiny bit of membrane partially covering the opening of the vagina. It doesn't cover the entire vagina and it doesn't "pop". It may tear and bleed the first time she has sex or it may not. It may or may not create discomfort. It may not even be there; not all women have one. But, if it is there, it disappears with the first few instances of sexual intercourse and doesn't return. It's just a partial membrane, a thin layer of cells. It's fragile and does not regenerate.
> 
> A vagina doesn't get stretched out with sex. Doesn't matter how many men a woman has sex with or how big their penises. The muscles in and around the vagina are like the facial muscles that allow one to smile. They stretch and unstretch without harm. A vagina will tighten around a penis so it doesn't make sex better if the guy's **** is large. If a woman is excited, she'll be well lubricated and there won't be as much friction as if she's less excited. So if a woman feels tight, it may be evidence of a lack of stimulation. In other words, it might be nothing more than the fact that she's not that into you. Or she may tend to be dry. Or she may have a small vagina. Either way, it says nothing about her sexual history.


obviously a woman with a super wide vagina is not going to contact the penis, and will not transfer sexual feelings to the man. If there is not enough sexual feeling in the penis, he will not orgasm.

this is pretty obvious, and not rocket science.

A vagina can be too wide due to genetics, or can get widened during childbirth, and not return to the original size.


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