# how do you rebuild trust?



## voivod

my wife and i are tragically separated. 3 months now due to a relapse. i drank a beer may 19th after having a stroke january 25th. she flipped out when i told her and said she was leaving.

she moved out june 20th. understand this: i have been alcohol free since may 19th. i have been AA and individual counseling since then. my wife just last week agreed to begin attending counseling sessions with me. in addition, we have been seeing each other quite a bit since the separation, so i've felt pretty good off & on about chances for reconciliation although she said she's made up her mind.

problem is, i think any trust she had in me is gone. i really f-ed up. what i'd like to know is if anyone has been down the road with alcohol, what helped you regain trust. i want desperately to heal this marriage. 

thank you in advance for your advice.


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## daddy22

Addiction is terrible reality. For some its drugs, others alcohol, and some sex. Not to mention a whole multitude of other addictions... For me it was drugs. This went on "behind closed doors" for over half my life (off and on). My wife, parents, and even some close friends didn't know. It was a well-kept secret to say the least. The one day I saw a close relative's life start to crumble and the reality hit me that this could just have easliy happened to me. I decided to quit. The things that they were going through seemed too much to bear. Oh, the sad part, I slipped again. Then, by God's Grace it was over. I had enough and I was determined to stop for good. I did too. I have been clean for over 9 months and I NEVER want to see or touch or do drugs again. I almost forgot... The irony is that after 4 months of being clean, I found out that at the time I was watching my loved one go through perhaps the lowest point of their life, the exact same thing was happening to me I just didn't know it at that time. I prayed for a release and the Lord Jesus granted it to me. But, the hand had been dealt and I had paid the dealer. The price I never wanted to pay had already been paid in full! My wife had loved another after 10 years and 9 months of marriage she had an affair of seven months. When she told me, I was crushed. But, I was to blame as much as her. If I had not been foolish "and high", I'd have listened to all of her pleas for my love and affection and done something about it. Now, for the good news. After living a lie, we both confessed our sins to each other, repented, and moved on to a new life together. We are both finally free of our addictions and having the best time of our life. We are totally content. Some people on this site would say that there is no God! If you want my take on that opinion they are WRONG. God is real, Jesus is KING and we are saved from our sins by His blood. He has healed our afflictions, restored our marriage relationship and freed us of the guilt and shame. So... I say all of this to tell you that if you want to save your marriage, seek Jesus and pray for restoration. Some say the Bible is a myth, but I know that He is still in the business of performing miracles. How else would a drug addict and an adultress make it though over 11 years and 11 months of marriage?


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## voivod

mommy & daddy,
i thouroughly read both of your posts. mommy, as for any comparison: is it too much to allow my wife to have an occasional beer? why should she be denied that creature comfort? i know deep inside myself the ramifications to me cheating and sneaking one. it's not a physical addiction. i cannot and will not ever have one again. i know that. but why could she not keep a stray beer cold in the fridge for after a soccer game or something? i'm ok, i promise. not flowery words or pleas to have a beer, just don't want to make her live the abstinent lifestyle i've chosen

daddy-
i could have easily been posting here about cocaine use, because i was addicted to that crap, and i know it, several years ago. however, i quit cold turkey with one relapse in 1991; and cigarettes i quit cold turkey in 1986, no relapses. i collected addictions throughout my life, including sex (porn), work, sports (golf and hockey), fitness, food, drugs, adrenaline, and alcohol. i've beat them all, no $#1t. i'm either tough or stupid. i too, believe in miracles. if you knew the story of my stroke survival, you'd know why i believe. my therapist told me that my beth coming to sessions with me was a miracle. he knows my deal. he says (to me) it would take a miracle to save us and he said he saw one happen in beth's eyes in last weeks session. so i do believe in miracles. irony of irony, one of mine and beth's favorite inspirational speakers was herb brooks, coach of the 1980 olympic hockey team. during my comeback from the stroke, she posted quotes from him on my hospital room walls. remember al michaels at the end of the ussr game, "do you believe in miracles?!?! yessss...)


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## voivod

mommy,
i think my wife genuinely resents my disease and does not want herself to be guided by it. that is why i say she should be able to have a beer once in awhile. i have proven myself to her. bought her a beer at the comedy show last weekend. i had no desire to have one. then, she came over to help me with a task that my hemipareses from the stroke temporarily prevents me from doing. then i cooked dinner, and bought her a coors light six pack. she drank two, then left the remaining beers in my fridge. she trusted me, knew i would not drink them. so she came by tonight and picked the rest up.i proudly said "they're in the fridge. there they were, untouched.

she has proven herself and her capacity to love. she really did save my life, then physically and spiritually maintained me for three straight days and nights, staying awake, holding my hand and praying for me. the doctors said they have no explanation but to say that, when she held my hand my bp went down. when she released it, it went back up (while my brain hemmhoraged) for 3 days this went on. the neurosurgeon said he was going to "go in" after 3 days if it didn't stop (even though he confided in my wife that he'd do more damage than he'd fix by doing so). she knew i'd die if he had to operate. she "willed" my bp down even though the iv drugs were not working. i'm alive today, very close to fully recovered. i owe her. for my kids, for my life. i know this about her long before my stroke, but she is a guardian angel. this is why i owe it to her not to give up but ro make every effort to save this marriage, because i have a huge debt to repay. amends, i think they're calling it. 

her life is going to be carefree, it's what she deserves. her parents were $#!t to her, her life as a child was miserable. i apparently have done no better. so from this day on, my job is to make her life as bearable as possible. i love her. somewhere deep inside she knows that. i'm going to give her the life she deserves, i just don't know how to do that yet.


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## draconis

I think that she is afraid of the relapse. You have been to AA. I have gone to support my father-in-law and I have heard the stories again and again. The relapse then the alcohol and addiction taking over AGAIN. Just one can do you in for a lifetime from here on out. My father in law went twenty years! Then he felt loney, stress told himself one and couldn't stop for six weeks until he was caught OUI. I think that is the only reason he stopped again. But it can happen at any time. She needs to see your commitment.

draconis


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## voivod

drac,
i believe you're right. but...

your father in law went 20 years sober, then got drunk!!! i'd say 20 years showed commitment to sobriety. how long does he need to go before he can be trusted? you see the conundrum here, right?
i can see myself being sober 20 years, but is any woman gonna sit by the clock going "twenty years and one day....twenty years and two days...." know what i'm saying?


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## draconis

voivod said:


> drac,
> i believe you're right. but...
> 
> your father in law went 20 years sober, then got drunk!!! i'd say 20 years showed commitment to sobriety. how long does he need to go before he can be trusted? you see the conundrum here, right?
> i can see myself being sober 20 years, but is any woman gonna sit by the clock going "twenty years and one day....twenty years and two days...." know what i'm saying?


Okay let me put it this way the first 60 are the hardest then the next sixty. That is four months before most alcoholics are down to a 20% relapse rate. I doubt she is going to wait out twenty years. But I think she wants what is best and wants to see that you are commited to what you are saying and doing now.

Tome is your friend here. Each day you show her again she can trust you. It takes 100 good things to erase one bad thing. She must have cried for you, Prayed for you and even offered God anything for you. Then she felt betrayed, by the person she loved the most in creation.

Talk to your therapist about signing a contract with her on sobiety. You promise to stay sober. Maybe that will help too.

draconis


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## justean

i think n e thing in moderation is ok, but then its when you see that build up and yes it does happen. my hubby has his drinks and im fine - then i see some changes in him and the increase again. then i have to b strong and remind him, i wont stand for the increase. 
he just goes really stupid - jekyll and hyde.
i dont know him, when hes like that.
but the thing is i dont have many vices like he has, ok mine is a simple sex addiction , but then even i have to be reasonable. so why shouldnt my hubby?


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## voivod

i guess i've been addicted to everything along the way, which should tell me something...but i guess i learn slow...i know this now: i can't moderate, especially while the "thrill" is still there, cocaine, loved it, until i reached the point where i couldn't get higher, then it was a pain in the a$$...fitness, i got as fit as i could, then promptly quit, same with golf, hockey, tobacco was a funny one. i just decided one day while sitting in the bar that i was gonna quit. set down my pack of pall malls (2 packs a day) and walked away. i believe that was the day i should have quit drinking. oh yeah, drinking, stopped cold turkey (no pun intended) may 19th. never did show any physical addiction signs. no dt's, shakes, no illness.

here's what i do know. I CAN'T GO BACK! if i drank one, i'd drink ten; if i smoked one, i'd smoke em all. the only relapse i ever suffered was coke. did and 8-ball the night before an interview where i landed my biggest radio job ever. i craved that buzz for weeks afterward.

so justean, the only reasonableness for me is NONE. sucks, but i don't have control over that.


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## justean

you mail above was actually a great comfort , maybe it has helped me understand a little. i mean in addiction, you simplified it for me.
but you hit the nail on the head - when you mentioned the word 
"moderation".
i actually just read out what you said to my hubby and he said what a really good explanation it was. 
please accept a simple thankyou for genuine words of wisdom. xx


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## voivod

if i had to answer, i'd say it was a chemical imbalance. why in world else would i engage in such behavior knowing it was addictive?


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## kiran23

You are her better half, so you can do anything for her.....
So u ask her about that....
Tell her if u hv any prob, You can told me...........


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