# Coming apart at the seams (long)



## notokaytoday (Jun 5, 2013)

I am a 29 year old man, who loves my wife dearly, married for two years, and my marriage is self destructing. It has gone from the most rewarding relationship of my entire life, to one in which I feel isolated, alone, there is virutally no sex, and I have no idea how to bridge the growing gap between us.

There is a laundry list of problems that we have dealt with an moved past in our relationship, including: Her infidelity (3 guys I know of); serious money troubles; lost jobs; extended family problems; and more. The reason I am here though is because in the last few months I am admitting to myself for the first time that I am a sexual sadist, have been for my whole life, and it is tearing me and our marriage apart.

I have always been kinky, my wife as well, though much less so, but when we met she was willing to play along with a bunch of the bdsm related activites. Then we got married and it was like overnight she was no longer interested in being submissive to me, and when I pushed her on the subject she would regularly tell me that she felt like she was "not enough" for my desires. Then eventually she said that she felt so abused by her boss at work that she no longer wanted to be my submissive. This continued so many times I was finally forced to really re-examine my sexuality and ever since I rung the bell of admitting I am a compulsive sexual sadist I haven't been able to go back. Ever since then I have tried to bridge the sexual gap between my wife and I numerous times, not requesting anything kinky, but still being told that she feels judged for not living up to my desires, trying to get her to fill out a bdsm checklist so I can know where I can safely play, only getting a "great idea" but no follow through. Admitting to her that I was a sadist was one of the hardest things in my life, and she seems to have ignored it completely.

My sadism is very well controlled by me. I will not do anything without consent, but my sexual desires are heavily weighted toward suffering and degradation. I used to be able to have regular sex with my wife as well, but I now feel so self conscious, judged, and disregarded that I simply can't even maintain an erection during sex anymore. The sex we do have is short and unsatisfying for us both.

To make matters worse, my wife is slowly redefining me out of her life. I have had physical problems my whole life, but been able to make up for it with intelligence. We recently relocated back to the rural area she is from, I grew up in a college town near a city, and there is no one here that I could call a friend. Since moving back she has decided to become obsessed with fitness and dieting, spending hours a day doing this, something I have no interest or ability to participate in. When we first got together she would talk with me late into the night about science, politics, and philosophy, but now whenever I try to bring one of those topics up she says that I move too fast for her, she doesn't understand it, or outright tells me she has no interest in it. I also used to have friends I could talk with, but up here she knows many people and has family, though she judges them all very harshly and hardly spends time with them, while I have literally no one except her. On top of that she has expensive tastes and since we don't make enough money to support her expensive tastes (living in an economically depressed rural region and I've gone back to school for a better longterm job outlook, but in the meantime can't earn much) she takes on tons of extra work, on top of the 24 hour a day on call job she already has. Not once since we moved up here have I had her undivided attention.

I don't know what to do. This is not an issue that is going to change for me and every time I bring up anything sexual she's always 'too busy' or 'not in the mood' or will occasionally begrudgingly and with a great deal attitude consent to some little bit of a thing that is far far far less than what she used to, which even then was not nearly the full extent of my desires.

The only times we get together are eating dinner in front of the tv and sleeping. I don't need her to be masochistic, I don't even need her to engage in my fetishes, I just need her support and understanding, but it seems like I'm just too much of a bother for her to deal with. She says all the time that she loves me, but proves daily that when it comes down to it she rates her wants as far more important than my needs. Everytime I try to bring this up she says I'm ambushing or attacking her, and, just like the rest of her family, flies of the handle and refuses to talk about it.

I'm breaking apart. It's hard enough dealing with a socially unacceptable paraphilia, but to have it be tearing your relationship apart and to have your partner pretty much disregard it is miserable. I literally just want to break down and cry and scream every day, but I love my wife so much that doing so would feel like emotional blackmail.

Help.

Please.

Edit: The long and short of the answers to the first couple responses.

She cheated 2 times before marriage, once after. we are swingers. 2 Before she confessed before wedding in tears. 1 after I told her no, she did anyway. I am sure she is faithful now.

We do share a lot of interests, she is just always busy with something else, often work. She works more to be able to afford her own expensive tastes.

She has become a high energy, high stress, never slow down kind of person, and I can't keep up in those aspects, I prefer life a little less neurotic.

The problem is not we don't want sex, it's that I can't perform without some kind of idea of what she will consent to and her consent, because of a number of reasons, including I can't trust her to safeword.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Married 2 years, infidelity, no sex, nothing in common, unhappy, sexually incompatible. Do you really need me to tell you, you already know what to do. You guys jumped the gun and now you are facing the reality of it. Get separated and move back to where you family is from then decide on divorce. I have rarely seen something like this so cut and dried before. In addition I would not be at all surprised if she was cheating again you have all the red flags, no sex, interest in diet, interest in fitness, no time for you and overall attitude. Time to move on and just call this a lesson learned.


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## notokaytoday (Jun 5, 2013)

The three infidelities were over the course of the entire relationship, only one during marriage. I should mention, we do the swingers thing, and her having sex with other men doesn't bother me, in fact it's one of my turn ons, but of these three the two before marriage were kept from me, while the one during I specifically said 'no'.

We do share a lot of interests, gardening, comics, community service, yoga, and more, just no longer the ones she spends her time doing, she pretty much wants me to follow her lead into those areas but I was clear at the outset that I couldn't. More than the activities, it's how she keeps herself constantly busy, always in action, never slowing down; so I have to fight to get in edgewise.

I still love her, she still loves me, but everytime we're together sex is the elephant in the room; she wants it, I want, but I can no longer perform without feeling some greater support than she has been giving me and she already feels like she's giving me huge support, because she's been working so much more, but all of her extra work effort have been to pay for her own hobbies and expensive tastes.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Oh my gosh you poor guy! That is a LOT!!!!

Lets take one things at a time. You came to the SIM section and spoke about the State of your sex life but the first thing you mentioned, other than the fact that you love her, she has had 3 affairs and that could be an estimate. This is the most important piece and I'm going to come back to it after we talk about your emotional needs going completely on empty, being isolated and feeling alone, sadism vs boundaries and financial responsibility to live within your means.

Whether you identify as submissive or dominant, you still have a set of emotional needs and that includes the need to connect, on a deep and profound level, with the woman you married. 

You are isolated and have no support network and your wife has ditched you.

She has prompted you to agree to financial decisions that are not in either of your best interest. She is not entitled to whatever she wants. 

You say you are a sexual sadist and you want her to submit, but sadism is giving pain, not necessarily dominating. From all that you described, your wife is completely dominating you and while yes I understand the power dynamic, you have abdicated your role in favor of being topped by the bottom. Are you a sadist or are you a dominant? The two go hand in hand but not always.

What would you tell a buddy who's wife had 3 affairs, doesn't have sex with him, spends all his money and never spends time with him?


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## notokaytoday (Jun 5, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> What would you tell a buddy who's wife had 3 affairs, doesn't have sex with him, spends all his money and never spends time with him?


Read my 2nd comment in the thread about the infidelity. I do trust her now. I also watch her like a hawk.

It's not that she doesn't have sex with me, she's even tried initiating a couple times, but me who isn't currently capable of having sex with her.

She spends all her money, my money covers my lifestyle and only my lifestyle at this point; which is considerably more frugal than hers at this point.

She doesn't spend time with anybody. She keeps herself so wrapped up in busyness and business that it go go go go go all the time. Gung ho. Self development. Everything has to be clean. Neutrotic energy. For example we went to her sister's birthday and she had to go for a walk because she couldn't sit still and talk.

Edit: Also as a responsible sadist it's hard not to allow topping from the bottom, considering the frightening consequences of any kind of non-consent. Unless she willingly consents, as a responsible man, my hands are tied, and not hers, and I'm going crazy over it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Okay now I'm totally lost! You mention soooo many things...

What exactly do you want from her? What exactly do you want for yourself?


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

> I do trust her now. I also watch her like a hawk.


These two statements are contradictory. 



> We do share a lot of interests, gardening, comics, community service, yoga, and more, just no longer the ones she spends her time doing, she pretty much wants me to follow her lead into those areas but I was clear at the outset that I couldn't.


Again, these statements are contradictory. You share interests, but she doesn't do any of them anymore. She wants you to follow her lead into them, but you can't? I'm so confused by this.

Perhaps she's as confused by you as we are? :scratchhead:


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## notokaytoday (Jun 5, 2013)

What I want from her is to re-engage in our sex life to some degree, to put some effort in, and to clearly define her own boundaries.

What I want for me is to have her support and interest in my sexuality in action instead of just word.




> These two statements are contradictory.


Okay, maybe I don't 'trust' her, but I trust she hasn't been cheating recently. Is that better?



> Again, these statements are contradictory. You share interests, but she doesn't do any of them anymore. She wants you to follow her lead into them, but you can't? I'm so confused by this.
> 
> Perhaps she's as confused by you as we are? :scratchhead:


She still has her other interests, it isn't like they vanished, she just spends all her time and energy doing fitness and diet related stuff. She wants me to follow her but I can't, due to medical physical and diet limitations already placed on me. It's like the only thing she cares enough to do to make time for everyday is an hour and a half of workout and an hour an a half of bathing/hair/makeup/etc. Then it's off to work, to pay for the ridiculously expensive exercise gadgets, and multitude of 5k, 10k, and bike ride events she goes to. I don't mind her being active, but the fact is I can't keep up even if I wanted to, which pretty much leaves me neglected in the dust of her 'gotta be busy all the time' new way of living.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Can I ask what your medical physical condition is? It has been my experience that when a spouse becomes absorbed in physical fitness AND asks the other spouse to join them in those endeavors, there might be a loss of physical attraction based on weight gain or lack of a pleasing body shape. Do you think that might be the case here?


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## notokaytoday (Jun 5, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Can I ask what your medical physical condition is? It has been my experience that when a spouse becomes absorbed in physical fitness AND asks the other spouse to join them in those endeavors, there might be a loss of physical attraction based on weight gain or lack of a pleasing body shape. Do you think that might be the case here?


I weigh ten pounds less than I did when we met and the physical issues are longterm muscle scarring from a rush apendectomy when I was young that prevents anything other than slower type activities, like yoga and weight lifting, while the wife has gotten into things like running and aerobics.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

So, this is not a surprise to her. She either doesn't believe that your limitations are real, or she is intentionally engaging in activities that prevent you from joining. By asking you to join her, she gets to appear as if she is trying, when in truth she is trying to do the opposit.


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## notokaytoday (Jun 5, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> So, this is not a surprise to her. She either doesn't believe that your limitations are real, or she is intentionally engaging in activities that prevent you from joining. By asking you to join her, she gets to appear as if she is trying, when in truth she is trying to do the opposit.


This is how I feel a lot of the time. She's no longer pushing so hard, but it's easy to tell that she's constantly disappointed. It's like when we got together she respected who I was, had desire and passion for me, and didn't judge me too harshly, but now she has very little respect for who I am, seems to have no interest in or time for the things I find interesting (except for comics and tv), and is in such a ramped up go go go go go attitude that I get left behind in the dust. She wakes up, spends her whole morning doing high intensity exercise, obsessing over diet, and getting ready for work, then she works all day, comes home and basically want all the housework done when she gets home, even if I've been working all day too, because I have 'free time', which is basically the time in the morning that I spend reading news, having breakfast, and being driven crazy by my sadistic sexual compunctions. So, she pretty much values all her time above mine, thinks of her exercise as contributing just as much to the household as her work, and only works so much because she has expensive tastes (which she did not have when we met) and I make crap for money while I'm back in school; meanwhile she puts no effort into our sexlife, spends money willy nilly on frivolities (related to her exercise, but frivolities none the less) while things like car repair go undone, and is always so worn out from all her work that she acts like any housework or relationship building work is too much trouble. We still go out for food and movies now and again, but her obsession with diet makes getting food difficult, go to family events, and manage to do a couple things we both enjoy, but her focus is entirely on doing the things she wants to do and getting the things she want, not on us, and definitely not on me.

Edit: I've also made every attempt to involve her in my sexuality, talking to her about what she wants, but she gives no specifics, making a huge list of my biggest fantasies, she read it once, trying to get her to fill out a bdsm checklist, never did it. She makes no attempt to communicate her needs, desires, or wants and just expects me to intuit everything, from when she wants the floor vacuumed to when I've gone too far with a spanking, without her having to say anything.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You know, I have to admit I got nothing. The go to standards of speak your thoughts and feelings, give clear boundaries and expectations and be prepared with meaningful consequences, put effort into meeting one another's needs, seek first to understand, second to be understood... Don't seem to be the realistic answer. from everything you've written, it seems the bottom line is that she simply doesn't love you enough to make you a priority in her life. All the signals she is sending communicate that, at least to me that's what they say.

Could it really be that simple?


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

Well, it doesn't really sound like she's into the BDSM. I don't think there's anything wrong with being into it, but you can't force her to want it---even if she did seem to like to before. You said you were swingers. Would she be open to you finding a release for this outside the marriage? I know you said you're in a rural community, which wouldn't bode well...but get on fetlife and see who is close? 

It seems like you have two different issues going on here. 1. The sex 2. Your wife is shutting you out of her life. Are they connected? That is hard to say from an outside perspective.

Did she want to move to this area? How does she feel about working so hard? You say that's her choice, but maybe she has different standards than you. Just because you are happy in one lifestyle, doesn't mean she is. Maybe she feels like she has no choice but to work this hard to keep her in the standard she wants, but is resentful that she has to. Or maybe she's just tired? If I were working constantly, I think I'd find it hard to get in the mood to play kinky sex games. 

Have you asked her why she is so obsessed with diet and fitness now? Point blank told her you feel excluded? How long is your program? Will it be over soon? 

And as someone else said...maybe you two are just not compatible anymore. If BDSM is so important to you, why not find someone who will be equally as into it as you are?


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

Also, it's a little funny...as another poster mentioned. You say you are a sadist (which is not necessarily the same as being a dom, I guess...) but it really seems like your wife is totally the controlling force in this marriage.


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

I went back and reread your post and saw that you had moved back to where she wanted to live.

You judge yourself pretty harshly for being kinky. As long as you doing things with consenting adults, what's the big deal? It really sounds like this woman and you have outgrown one another. Move back to the liberal college town and find someone who wants what you want. You're too young to be miserable.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Marriage counseling? You both need a neutral third party to intervene. You've reached an impasse. She's pulling away in almost every way possible. 
Don't try to solve this on your own. It's not going to work without counseling.


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## notokaytoday (Jun 5, 2013)

I do judge myself harshly for my paraphailias, because in my heart and mind I am philosophically opposed to the kind of sadistic despotism I crave most, but it has been my sexual arousal pattern my whole life, though it doesn't stop me one bit from feeling that I am not right for what I want. Dacryphilia is not an easy thing to live with, and not accepted by society as a whole.

I would love to move back to a college town, which consequently was not that terribly liberal, just educated; around here if it isn't about machine parts, trucks, hunting, or sports men don't talk about it, which is murder for me because I have no interest in any of that except for hunting.

At this point it would take a lot to get her into counseling, she thinks that she's 'cured' now after seeing a bunch of therapists, the last time I tried to bring it up she said she didn't have time for marriage counseling because she's so busy with work and on call all the time, saying instead that I need counseling. On top of that I have an inherent distrust of local therapists, because the ones around here I saw all judged me extremely harshly for my sexual desires, with one going so far as to shout me out of his office because he "has to listen to beaten wives describe their abuse at the hands of monsters like me every day and couldn't listen to another moment of me feeling sorry for myself."

I agree that my wife has become the controlling force in the marriage and refuses to relinquish any control at all. However she essentially guilted me into giving up control, she acts like because she works all the time, makes more per hour, is the active one, and is the one without the extreme sexual desires, that all of that makes her and her new lifestyle morally superior to everything I am. Every time I bring it up she apologizes, but then her actions say she doesn't really mean it, or can't see how what she's doing is hurting me. Trust me, I want nothing more than to physically overpower her and do what I want, which would be very possible, but then I really would be no better than a wife beater, and I cannot abide that thought.


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