# How to explain to kids? Tell them the whole truth?



## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

I have posted my story in threads titled "My husband wants to rekindle with his first love" and "Should I name OW as Co-defendant in Divorce?" (the latter is the more updated, abridged version)...sorry dont know how to link the threads 

My question now is how and when to tell the kids (ages 18,17,12,6)....... I am in the process of filing for D which will happen next week and he will be served shortly after. He is having an affair and this is why i filed. I am devastated and still love him but i have no other choice since he wont cut her off.

I am thinking I should talk to my WH about how to tell the kids.... I didnt talk to him yet. I feel like I/we should tell them that there is a OW and that is why i am D him. I have a feeling that WH wont want me to tell them this. He probably will want to say that we just dont get along and he hasnt been happy in the marraige. What do you think? Of course, the 6 year old wouldnt be a part of this discussion.

I want to do what is best for kids but I don't want them to think I am D their father for any other reason but the infidelity.

I also want them to know that I don't want them to accept the OW and that I would concider that a betrayal as their mother since she was a part of this. Am I wrong here?

BTW.. the kids dont have any idea the impending D is happening...they see their parents arguing and stuff but that is nothing new

Opinions?
Thanks.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I wouldn't talk to him first, he might do alot of re-writing and blame you for the affair to the kids.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

This came up here recently and there was a wide divergence of opinions -- basically two camps. One which says OF COURSE YOU MUST PUNISH HIM BY TELLING THE KIDS, THAT DIRTY DOG and the other that said no, it's better to protect the kids from these kinds of adult issues. Probably clear from that description which side I'm on 

But seriously, both sides have their merits. I think only you and your husband can decide this. Just make sure that you honestly search your heart and are telling the kids because it's in their best interest, not because you want to get that last little bit of vengeance. At this point, your children are going to have to go through their parents' divorce -- what will make that easier for them? That really should be your main priority.

Good luck.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Also, about the OW, please do realize that once he is divorced, you will not have a say over who he socializes with or whether he introduces that person to your children during his custodial days. Tough, but true. If you put your kids in the middle, everyone loses.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I believe the older children should be told exactly what is going on. As for the 12 and 6yr old children, might try and find a kid friendly way to explain it to them. 



> I also want them to know that I don't want them to accept the OW and that I would concider that a betrayal as their mother since she was a part of this. Am I wrong here?


This I do not agree with. You are putting your kids in an awful position.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

lamaga said:


> This came up here recently and there was a wide divergence of opinions -- basically two camps. One which says *OF COURSE YOU MUST PUNISH HIM BY TELLING THE KIDS, THAT DIRTY DOG* and the other that said no, it's better to protect the kids from these kinds of adult issues. Probably clear from that description which side I'm on


Rubbish, don't make up words to sway the poster.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Eli-Zor said:


> Rubbish, don't make up words to sway the poster.


And I clearly made fun of myself within the same paragraph, silly. Calm down, try decaf.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

pidge70 said:


> I believe the older children should be told exactly what is going on. As for the 12 and 6yr old children, might try and find a kid friendly way to explain it to them.


Agree 

Not telling the children of his affair makes you complicit furthermore your children will know more than they are letting on. 

What they require is for you to be honest , to help them through this and not to cover up your husbands behaviour with more lies. 

Choose your words carefully, tell the truth, ensure they know they are not to blame let them know that you love them and will look after them.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

lamaga said:


> And I clearly made fun of myself within the same paragraph, silly. Calm down, try decaf.





> and the other that said no, it's better to protect the kids from these kinds of adult issues. Probably clear from that description which side I'm on


As the poster is in a poor position and seeking genuine advice I guess we are all laughing at your "fun"...once again. 

Apologies for the thread jack


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Agree
> 
> Not telling the children of her affair makes you complicit furthermore your children will know more than they are letting on.
> 
> ...


OP is a female. Her H is the one messing around.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

cdm9999 said:


> I have posted my story in threads titled "My husband wants to rekindle with his first love" and "Should I name OW as Co-defendant in Divorce?" (the latter is the more updated, abridged version)...sorry dont know how to link the threads
> 
> My question now is how and when to tell the kids (ages 18,17,12,6)....... I am in the process of filing for D which will happen next week and he will be served shortly after. He is having an affair and this is why i filed. I am devastated and still love him but i have no other choice since he wont cut her off.
> 
> ...


Your 17 and 18 year old require the truth. Sure, they may initially be angry with their Dad, but time will heal that rift. You can't lie to them. If you downplay the truth, or pretend that you are partially to blame, you become complicit in the lie. Please don't do this. Be truthful. No need for some details (this is not lying) but answer their questions as honestly as you can. 

The older children will undoubtedly fill in the younger children. No need for arguing in their presence. And no need for you to defer this to your WH. Let him handle his version, you just tell the truth without anger, editorializing, "just the facts".


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Think the 17 and 18 year old require the complete truth without mincing any words, just don't paint the picture that Dad is an arsehole.

The 12 year old requires a watered down version.

The 6 year old requires reassurances.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> ........ just don't paint the picture that Dad is an arsehole.


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Well? My grown son concluded that his Dad was, in fact an arsehole and was very angry with him at first. It's been 4 months since we separated and our son has had a few discussions with his father. Although he still thinks his Dad is an arsehole, his anger has subsided and I can see where, since his Dad admitted his acts (said I was 99% correct) and knows he will have to pay for his mistakes, our son sort of feels sorry for his father.

I'm fine with that. I had hoped that our son would maintain a relationship with his father, and did not discourage this. I think my son was worried that I would feel betrayed, and I assured him that everything is fine. He needs his father. He already has me.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

The thing is as parents its harder to deal with the loss of respect in the eyes of those whom you've created and helped raise than in the eyes of the person with whom you raised your children. That was probably one of the main reasons why I didn't go out and have an RA of my own. Mostly because I don't think I would be able to explain what mom and dad did to each other and to the family to any of my kids


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

The older kids should be told the truth. The younger kids are different. The older kids probably already have a good idea of what is happening. It's a hard decision to make, but if you don't tell the older kids their father will continue to have a deceptive relationship with them. If your husband wants someone else then he needs to tell his kids and you need to be there to stop his rug sweeping during the conversation.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Call me a martyr or stupid, but I think you don't say anything to the kids!! I think for the spouse that has been hurt no matter what reason drugs, infidelity, gambling, debt, laziness there is always that urge to vindicate and show OTHERS this is what he/she did to me this is why I'm leaving!! Rarely is that opening up done to truly inform everyone in a caring way it's almost always done to hurt the spouse...so OTHERS will know.

Principle vs Reality is what I always go to!! Many things in life are much better in principle than reality and this is one of those things especially with younger kids.

Whenever I make a choice in life I look at who it will affect. Do the little ones need to know "Yes, honey me and your dad are getting a divorce because he cheated on me with another woman and wouldn't stop!" 

Of course they do not.........they we learn one day and can make their own choice then. I have seen this first hand many times and it causes pain not just for the kids, or the WS, but for you too as those hard questions. Then each side spins it in their benefit......or at least often. 

I have also seen the flip side am watching it currently as the husband has had a affair for 8 months and just now is the wife filing for D.

The kids have no clue meaning they are happy. She said she is unsure if she will be telling them. That it's between her and her soon to be ex husband of 25 years not the kids, at least not yet.

I'm sure everyone here will say "It's his bed let him lay in it" I always look around and say in time, but really will it make the kids lives better by sharing the details? The older ones maybe, but knowing teenagers and their ability to regurgitate things at the most inappropriate times do you think they will keep quiet?

People don't like to separate the two but being a dad and being a husband or two totally different things. Just like being a mom and being are wife are two totally different things. People can be great at one and crappy at the other.........!! I still go back to what benefit is it for the kids to know the details? Do you expect your 17-18 yr old teenager kids to tell you the details of their relationships?

Good luck sorry your husband hurt you. No easy answer here!!


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

OhGeesh said:


> Call me a martyr or stupid, but I think you don't say anything to the kids!! I think for the spouse that has been hurt no matter what reason drugs, infidelity, gambling, debt, laziness there is always that urge to vindicate and show OTHERS this is what he/she did to me this is why I'm leaving!! Rarely is that opening up done to truly inform everyone in a caring way it's almost always done to hurt the spouse...so OTHERS will know.
> 
> Principle vs Reality is what I always go to!! Many things in life are much better in principle than reality and this is one of those things especially with younger kids.
> 
> ...


Totally agree. Kids don't understand these types of human failings. It will hurt them even more, and it will take them a long time to process and forgive. Why put that on them in addition to the divorce? To me this is done solely for revenge. Never a good reason to hurt kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Tell them the truth.

The likelihood of your WH telling them the truth is nil and what he will tell them probably won`t make you look any too good.

Don`t even discuss it with your WH, in fact, don`t discus anything with your WH except the kids and the divorce.

Do not forbid the kids from liking the OW as that puts them in the middle of your adult bull**** and is completely unfair.

It`s most likely they`ll hate her all on their own anyway.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Yes as tacoma said---the truth---look at it this way---BUT FOR what your H. did, you wouldn't be telling anyone anything

Work it on a level for the 6 yr old---and let the older kids know, what kind of a person, they have for a father, don't sugar coat it.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

jnj express said:


> Yes as tacoma said---the truth---look at it this way---BUT FOR what your H. did, you wouldn't be telling anyone anything
> 
> Work it on a level for the 6 yr old---and let the older kids know, what kind of a person, they have for a father, don't sugar coat it.


Wow.... Yeah right. Hammer it home hard what kind of person their father is, the dirty SOB. Good for nothing... See how that sits with their psyches.

OP, proceed cautiously and please get professional advice. This has the potential to really make things a whole lot worse for them, so I wouldn't take advice from embittered people who don't know your children and are only here to vicariously punish other people. Sorry, just how I'm beginning to see some here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

No one said she must go into the gory details . What she can do it tell them their father is having an affair with xxx - or she can claim they fell out - or remain silent both of which are blatant lies and will be recognised as such by the children . These children are not in kindergarten, some are almost young adults , and are old enough to know what is happening and probably do know more than you think.



_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

Eli-Zor said:


> No one said she must go into the gory details . What she can do it tell them their father is having an affair with xxx - or she can claim they fell out - or remain silent both of which are blatant lies and will be recognised as such by the children . These children are not in kindergarten, some are almost young adults , and are old enough to know what is happening and probably do know more than you think.
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think the comment "let them know what kind of a father they have" speaks for itself
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

The kids have a relationship with their father separate from the spouses' marriage relationship, and the kids should be encouraged to continue that relationship with both of their parents.

However, the kids should not be lied to. Age appropriate explanations are called for.

My parents told us of the infidelity which led to their divorce, and it was the right thing to tell us.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

The children deserve to know why their family is being split apart. No, all the ugly details are not necessary but they need to know the truth. While some are worried about the kids 'minds' do you really think acting like the divorce is the land of gumdrops and lollipops is the answer? Don't you think that the kids might wonder what happened to their family? There are no easy answers here, but you can bet your last dollar that their father is not going to tell them the truth. He is probably busy buying sugar right now for the coating of the lies he is going to tell.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

I absolutely don't want them to have a bad relationship with their father and I would tell them that he is their dad and he loves them and they did nothing wrong. But I do think they deserve the truth of what happened...no big details, just the truth of the infidelity. After all I am divorcing him because of the affair, nothing else. 

I do believe he wants to tell them, like he is telling himself, that he was never happy with me, I didnt listen to him when he said he was unhappy, that I didnt connect with him, that we were imcompatible, etc like he is telling me. Therefore, according to him, it is understandable for him to find his happiness at long last. This is how he wants to portray it to everyone and doesnt think I should mention the OW/affair to anyone.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

But I do want to expose the skank cheating ***** for who she is though... I know I am bitter but I cant help it especially when I hear what she says to him like "I can't wait to meet your children" and "What do you say to her when she badgers you?".... (she asked this because I was drilling him with questions one night and he told her about it) ..... I just can't help the hate I feel for her... yes, it is not just her, it is him too, but with him it is love/hate...with her pure hate.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

jnj express said:


> --and let the older kids know, what kind of a person, they have for a father, don't sugar coat it.


Would this make your children happy? 

Would it make you happy?

OhGeesh says it as it is. A crap husband is a seperate thing to a good dad. Your kids could remain happy and loved if they don't get entwined in the bitterness and resentment. They will have their own to deal with...especially the older ones who will see exactly what is going on without you having to tell them your side...so don't, whatever you do, offer your own bitterness on top of theirs. Just say you are not together anymore because it didn't work out. You wanted it to but it didn't. DON'T BLAME THEIR STUPID DAD. Let him dig his own hole...for god sake, don't think that telling them the 'truth' is good for them. Your relationship with him is far removed from the father child relationship. What kind of mother wants their child to know their father is useless and doesn't love them enough to stick it with their mother? What kind of mother wants their child to feel hate toward their father, or unloved by him? Leave them in their happy ignorance and keep your 'hate' toward him to yourself. He did it to you. Not the kids. 

Whatever relationship he has with the children from here on is his choice. And he will probably be forever grateful to you for never bringing the children into it and for making it easy on them. And thus he may well be the best ex there ever was. And make sure u are the best looked after ex there ever was.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

And I say 'may well be the best ex...you the best looked after ex' knowing full well this is the ideal. But I have seen it. And I have seen the opposite happen when the kids are in the middle. The former was the result of infidelity from the dad. The child still doesn't know, though will at some point now she is getting to an age where she will ask, but her father loves her and they have a great relationship. And he has a great relationship with the mother too. The latter, the man was the cause of the break, the affair was with money and drugs, the split was amicable til he realised it wasn't going to rekindle, then the vitriol began. 5 years later and the kids have been stuck in the middle. No accusations, but him using the kids to throw his accusations ended with her beginning to defend. Now they don't know who to believe, father gives permanent mental and verbal abuse to mother even though his fault for ending of relationship. But he is lovely with children. Mind games galore. So.....tell them bare facts. Not just your side. Just basic basic facts. You will be glad and grateful u did in the long run.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

The older kids are almost adults and will likely put the pieces together when OW is suddenly in their father's life so soon after your marriage ends.

Teenagers are not dumb and understand more than we think about relationships. I talked to my oldest teen and she said whenever the parents of a friend have split, they all suspect infidelity. Teenagers resent being lied to and treated like 12 year olds and I would not lie to my teenagers.

I agree that the younger kids need a watered down version though.

And obviously, none of the children need any of the gory details. I don't agree with badmouthing the other parent but the truth of how OW came to be in his life so suddenly is not badmouthing. Saying he's a lying cheating snake, well, not preferable even if you think it. And I certainly don't blame you! He's being blatantly disrespectful and cruel.

I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this...


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

cdm9999 said:


> I absolutely don't want them to have a bad relationship with their father and I would tell them that he is their dad and he loves them and they did nothing wrong. But I do think they deserve the truth of what happened...no big details, just the truth of the infidelity. After all I am divorcing him because of the affair, nothing else.
> 
> I do believe he wants to tell them, like he is telling himself, that he was never happy with me, I didnt listen to him when he said he was unhappy, that I didnt connect with him, that we were imcompatible, etc like he is telling me. Therefore, according to him, it is understandable for him to find his happiness at long last. This is how he wants to portray it to everyone and doesnt think I should mention the OW/affair to anyone.


Don't fall for that crap! That is the same thing my STBXH tried to spin to our adult children. They (cheaters) are the ones that cheated but yet they want to play the victim and act as if their lives have been so miserable, they have put up with so much. It's classic cheater mumbo jumbo. Your husband isn't the first to use those some old lame tired lines. He is full of crap.


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

cdm9999 said:


> But I do want to expose the skank cheating ***** for who she is though... I know I am bitter but I cant help it especially when I hear what she says to him like "I can't wait to meet your children" and "What do you say to her when she badgers you?".... (she asked this because I was drilling him with questions one night and he told her about it) ..... I just can't help the hate I feel for her... yes, it is not just her, it is him too, but with him it is love/hate...with her pure hate.


Oh my god, you are in no shape to be discussing the impending divorce with your kids as an ADULT. These kids are not your friends or therepist, they have no business being saddled with your bitterness over how you have been wronged. To behave the way you say you would all through this thread is really mean, spiteful and abusive to kids it is your duty to protect. So life dealt you a sh!tty hand, dont drag your kids into this mess and try to manipulate them into taking your side. He will ALWAYS be their father, and if you bad mouth him and his GF you will put the kids in a very unfair place. 

NONE of this is their fault. Please dont make them pay for the mistakes made in YOUR marriage. .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

Really Cara? 
He will ALWAYS be their father but being a father is much more than walking out on them for another woman. If cdm's children decide to live with her exactly what kind of hand have they been dealt? The same sh!tty one she has. What kind of decent woman takes part in breaking up a marriage and family but yet can't wait to meet the children? Where's the OW 's part in the abuse of these children? And don't bad mouth the GF? That's deep. Don't make the kids pay for the mistakes in the marriage? What about their father making them pay for the mistakes in the marriage by running off with the OW? Aw, but he can't be faulted for what is happening to his family.......... 
Your response sounds like something the OW would say. Were you an OW at some point in time?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OK, let's suppose a spouse has stolen a large sum of money and is going to jail for a long time.

Should the children be told why in terms appropriate to their ages, or lied to?

*By covering up you minimise the fact that they did wrong. This is almost as bad as the betrayal.*

"Hey, kids! Your dad/mom betrayed me and they betrayed you! But that's OK, because they want me to rugsweep this whole damn mess under the carpet!"

Well no s**t! Of *course* they do! They want to lie to your children, well, there's nothing you can do about that. But YOU must not enable their lies.

They lied to you during their affair. Their affair was built on lies. Their relationship with their children was, throughout that affair, built on lies.

Do you really think that it is appropriate for them to be able to continue to have a future relationship with their children that is based on lies?

When the truth comes out -_which it will_!- do you want to get the fallout from this horrible event? Of course not!

_*The way to prevent this from happening is to tell the truth, now!*_

If your husband wishes to continue lying to his children, that's his lookout. *But do not be his enabler*. That he wishes you to fill the role of an enabler for his lies shows ZERO respect for you. Which is probably what made him feel able to have his affair, isn't it?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Cara said:


> Oh my god, you are in no shape to be discussing the impending divorce with your kids as an ADULT. These kids are not your friends or therepist, they have no business being saddled with your bitterness over how you have been wronged. To behave the way you say you would all through this thread is really mean, spiteful and abusive to kids it is your duty to protect. So life dealt you a sh!tty hand, dont drag your kids into this mess and try to manipulate them into taking your side. He will ALWAYS be their father, and if you bad mouth him and his GF you will put the kids in a very unfair place.
> 
> NONE of this is their fault. Please dont make them pay for the mistakes made in YOUR marriage. .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Cara, the husband dragged the kids into this mess. Not the wife. Just thought I'd remind you of that.


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## MAP (Dec 18, 2011)

Lone Star said:


> Really Cara?
> He will ALWAYS be their father but being a father is much more than walking out on them for another woman. If cdm's children decide to live with her exactly what kind of hand have they been dealt? The same sh!tty one she has. What kind of decent woman takes part in breaking up a marriage and family but yet can't wait to meet the children? Where's the OW 's part in the abuse of these children? And don't bad mouth the GF? That's deep. Don't make the kids pay for the mistakes in the marriage? What about their father making them pay for the mistakes in the marriage by running off with the OW? Aw, but he can't be faulted for what is happening to his family..........
> Your response sounds like something the OW would say. Were you an OW at some point in time?


I hope Cara answers your question. Are you there Cara?


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

Thank you MattMatt.

And, to all, of course when I wrote my feelings for the OW, I was expressing my pain and hurt "outloud" here in the forum....I wouldn't express that so blatently to the kids. 

But they will know the truth in as sensitive way as possible. They have to know this is their fathers doing and fault. Not just dealt a sh--ty hand.... a choice was made by him to do this... not ooopps just happened by chance....he made a conscious calculated choice and chooses to continue that choice.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

cdm9999 said:


> But they will know the truth in as sensitive way as possible. They have to know this is their fathers doing and fault. Not just dealt a sh--ty hand.... a choice was made by him to do this... not ooopps just happened by chance....he made a conscious calculated choice and chooses to continue that choice.


Your making the right decision never doubt yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

Lone Star said:


> Really Cara?
> He will ALWAYS be their father but being a father is much more than walking out on them for another woman. If cdm's children decide to live with her exactly what kind of hand have they been dealt? The same sh!tty one she has. What kind of decent woman takes part in breaking up a marriage and family but yet can't wait to meet the children? Where's the OW 's part in the abuse of these children? And don't bad mouth the GF? That's deep. Don't make the kids pay for the mistakes in the marriage? What about their father making them pay for the mistakes in the marriage by running off with the OW? Aw, but he can't be faulted for what is happening to his family..........
> Your response sounds like something the OW would say. Were you an OW at some point in time?


Real cute, whatever. 

So, no, I have never cheated, but I have been cheated on a couple times. My point, had you been able to glean it from my post, is she HAS to be an adult, and the behavior she has been claiming she will take with her children only has the result of involving them in a horrible situation it is HER job to try to sheild them fromn as much as possible. She is trying to turn the kids against him & the GF. Manipulative & mean all around.

Parents put so much garbage from their marriage on their kids in bad situation such as this, why you would support her in her petty attempts to score points off her STBXH or the GF? Seriously, how is that ok to do to kids who did not ask to be brought into this.

So the daddy did mama wrong. I get it, it hurts like hell and she feels her world is ending. But, she has 4 kids who need her. If she spreads her venom about the ex and his GF the kids will know she cannot be trusted in times when they mess up. Someone has to be the adult here.

He cheated, I get it, he effed up the whole family. Let_ him_ be the bad one, but if she does to her kids what she claimed she wanted to do SHE will also become one of the bad ones.


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> Cara, the husband dragged the kids into this mess. Not the wife. Just thought I'd remind you of that.


See my reply to the other poster. There is no reason on earth to manipulate your kids into "taking your side" in a divorce. Yes, the cheating was his fault, but they_ all_ must find a way to heal and move on. 

Telling your children they may not like the GF is insane. Hate her if _you_ want, leave the poor kids out of it.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> Telling your children they may not like the GF is insane. Hate her if you want, leave the poor kids out of it.


Deal with kids every day. Listen to their problems and try to solve the mess their parents make of them. Don't, for a second, believe kids won't pick on everything that has been going on and take sides. 

They don't even need to be told to hate the other woman. They'll do that instinctively. 

Having said that, with young kids you need to tell them the whole truth in the most neutral way possible. Without passing judgments of your own. The kids will figure out the rest by themselves.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Cara said:


> she HAS to be an adult, and the behavior she has been claiming she will take with her children only has the result of involving them in a horrible situation* it is HER job to try to sheild them from as much as possible*.


I don't think it wise to shield the kids from the real world, and it is definitely not a parent's job to shield kids from as much as possible. Our kids need to be well informed about the world so they can deal with it when they are adults.



Cara said:


> Parents put so much garbage from their marriage on their kids in bad situation such as this, why you would support her in her petty attempts to score points off her STBXH or the GF? Seriously, how is that ok to do to kids who did not ask to be brought into this.


Now this I agree with. The parents should not use kids as pawns or bargaining chips, nor should they try to get the kids to take sides in a divorce.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

Nice response Cara, but I'm curious. Do you have older or adult children? Have you had to deal with the particular situation as cdm or myself? Just curious if your judgement is based on experience or just you own 'right' ways of doing things.
As for the gf, adult kids that have been raised with any morals more than likely will instantly dislike her. She is viewed by the kids as the person that destroyed their family, even though it was their father's lies and betrayal that started the situation. They asked themselves what kind of woman does this to another family? For instance, my youngest son (18 yo) refuses to go visit with his father. Why? He never wants to meet the woman that destroyed his family. He doesn't want to meet the woman and her children that his father is now living with and supporting even though we are not divorced. He doesn't want anything to do with the woman and her children that are being supported well by his father while is his father continues to provide less and less everyday to his family of 20 years. 
So you can go on and on about the garbage parents put into their kids, and I am sure that is true in some cases, but on the other hand, children are not nearly as dumb as you might think.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

cdm9999 said:


> I do believe he wants to tell them, like he is telling himself, that he was never happy with me, I didnt listen to him when he said he was unhappy, that I didnt connect with him, that we were imcompatible, etc like he is telling me. Therefore, according to him, it is understandable for him to find his happiness at long last. This is how he wants to portray it to everyone and doesnt think I should mention the OW/affair to anyone.


This is exactly why the children need the truth.

Her WS plans to blame his leaving on the OP. 

She didn't listen to him when he was unhappy?? Oh, okay. Clearly, he had a good reason to cheat then...

She can tell her kids that they are BOTH responsible for the marriage problems but she doesn't have to own his cheating at all. 

As for the GF...she's an OW not a GF and the kids are going to dislike her if they've been raised with good morals and values, regardless of what OP says to them.

For instance, as my oldest said on D-day, (unfortunately I was dealing with a batchit crazy OW blowing up our home phone so everyone got dragged into the mess) "I will never meet that ugly b!tch and neither will my brother or sister!" She didn't realize the A was over but she was adamant to both her father and I that she would never meet a homewrecking ***** and she would make sure her siblings didn't either. This is my normally shy, quiet teenager, honour roll, never sworn at us in her life and she was having NONE of it. Teens already have some pretty strong values, morals and opinions. In my case, if the A had not been over, I wouldn't have had to say a word to my kids about the skank as they would have already figured out that a woman who purposely gets involved with a married man, knowing FULL well the damage it will cause is NOT worthy of their respect.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

UPDATE: (last post was 7/01)

Last week: I told my WH that we have to tell the kids....he said he is not telling the kids. So I said then I will. That was last week, but i didnt tell them yet.

So this morning i called him at work and said i am telling them tomorrow but if he wants to do it together, i would. He said he wants to do it together.

But he is asking why i am doing the D and i said because i cant live with 3 people in a marraige and he is having and affair/sex with her. He is saying he isnt having an affair. 

I have evidence via a VAR in his car and heard a very telling conversation that proves sex, affair of long time (a year or two), he loves her, etc. so that is my proof, yet he doesnt know it. I know that you are not allowed to tape a conversation between two people that dont know they are being taped. 

So, i think he is going to lie and say there was never a physical affair or sex and i think that will be the story he will tell the kids and if i say that i know that it was an affair, he will say it is not. Because I feel i cant devulge the source (other than me saying that I know for sure but wont say how i know)....this could get to be a problem with us when we tell the kids.

If he is there saying," you dont have proof and nothing happened between them physically", what can i say? I was thinking of saying that someone i know saw them together, but other than that, I may look like i just really dont know for sure and i am speculating. 

I need the kids to know the truth and not question whether there father maybe didnt really have the affair. Because for sure, he did/is.

What do u think?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

IF you are going for D, and you are done collecting evidence I would tell him you have a recording of him and her loud and clear. 

You don't need to play it, but I would make sure you've got it backed up someplace outside the home that he can't get to.

While taping two people isn't allowed it also isn't something that especially in cases like this is ever going to be pursued. First, prosecutors have much bigger fish to fry than a BS catching their WS cheating, and they have limited budgets. This doesn't make the cut. Second, your WS won't want the recording coming out as it will blow the lid off his cheating.

So if your done with the source then go ahead and expose it to get him to finally admit the A and let the D process proceed. Right now he's living in the false assumption that he can somehow still pull the wool over your eyes if he can just keep on denying long enough.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

"Listen, mommy loves you all and daddy so much but mommy can't be together with daddy anymore because daddy wants a new mommy for him instead of me. It will be sad and hard for you but know that I love you all. I want daddy just for us but its not that easy. I will always be here for you, ok?"


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> IF you are going for D, and you are done collecting evidence I would tell him you have a recording of him and her loud and clear.
> 
> You don't need to play it, but I would make sure you've got it backed up someplace outside the home that he can't get to.


I would change that to the plural, tell him you have *recordings* of the two of them.

It would be very difficult for him to prove in court that you recorded him if he never gets possession of the recording. Even if he had a copy it would be extremely difficult to prove you made the recording and/or did it without his knowledge. I would just keep him from getting a physical copy of it. And I would not worry about him trying to prosecute you for it unless you actively blackmail him with it for $.

I would use the threat of it for sure to get him to stop denying the affair and to get him to stop blaming you for the divorce in front of the kids. If necessary I might play him a 2 second clip from it so he knows you have something real.


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## HealthyMe (Jul 2, 2012)

cdm - I just confronted my WH last week with evidence from the VAR I placed in his car. All I said was that I knew he talked to the OW x times that day. I also shared with him some of the content of those conversations. He doesn't know what technology I used - I was intentionally vague and he believes a range of possiblities: that I bugged his phone or had a PI doing surveillance, etc. He is answering all of my questions now (I believe I am getting the truth b/c the answers are tough). He sent the NC letter, has followed through with all of my requests and is finally shouldering the weight of R. I have no idea what our future holds, but this is where we are now. You have the truth in your hands, perhaps now you are ready to use it. Good luck to you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

cdm9999 said:


> UPDATE: (last post was 7/01)
> 
> Last week: I told my WH that we have to tell the kids....he said he is not telling the kids. So I said then I will. That was last week, but i didnt tell them yet.
> 
> ...


If he intends to lie, you might have to consider sharing your information with the older children.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> "Listen, mommy loves you all and daddy so much but mommy can't be together with daddy anymore because daddy wants a new mommy for him instead of me. It will be sad and hard for you but know that I love you all. I want daddy just for us but its not that easy. I will always be here for you, ok?"


That might work.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Just tell the WH that you "had him under surveillance" and the report confirms your suspicions.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Just tell the WH that you "had him under surveillance" and the report confirms your suspicions.


:iagree: :smthumbup:


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I would tell the oldest children. Will your WH sit down with you and the kids for the discussion? My XWW would not and told complete BS to them. She left out that she strayed from our marriage, basically said I just wanted out. She put me another tight spot with that one. 



Good luck
WD


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

My WH is insisting that he did not have an affair and did not sleep with her...(absolutely untrue) ... He will not tell the kids that and says to me that if I badmouth him to them, I will hurt them beyond belief..... he said we will talk tonight....we will see. 

Again, i am uncertain that i want to play the tape or part of the tape that proves this because it will tip my hand and will prevent any other tapings.

So dont know if at this point we should just tell them we are divorcing and leave out details....this goes against what i think should happen. If I say I know he is and he says i am crazy and he didnt (in front of kids) what can i do? 

I know truth will come out later but i really want them to know truth now. But if i look bad in front of kids, i dont want that either...maybe i should call OWH and if i can get him to confirm it, that will be enough to prove to him that i know truth.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

CDM

I think the fact that you are D will be enough for your kids right now.

Painting your husband as the cheater does not matter at this time. Especially to your kids.

As to the reason for the D, everything will come out in time.

Your H is afraid of looking bad and you do not want the kids to see you as the bad parent.

Your children will not see you that way.

HM64


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> CDM
> 
> I think the fact that you are D will be enough for your kids right now.
> 
> ...


They might if WH poisons their minds against her.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

True but CDM can deal with that if WH messes with the truth to make CDM look bad.

She should concentrate on the kids first, help them through this transition.

Because I think her WH will be of little use while he pursues his A.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I'm reconciling with my wife but even if we were divorcing I won't tell them the truth. Ever. 
I wan't my children to learn right from wrong. Telling them thier mother is a cheater won't teach them a damm thing unless there's absolute remorse. My wife will find her way to excuse herself. I know. People outhere always put the blame on the betrayed, many professional do the same countless times (if not complete blameshifting at least blamesharing). How do you expect your children are not going to get confussed when they LOVE the wayward parent? Children operate mostly at an amotional level. They won't think (at their core), "hey WS did wrong, there's no excuse, I love him/her anyway". It's inevitable the will find some "circunstances" wich might "explain", mitigate, excuse... the cheating and this is what they'll learn and aply in their future relationships.
I talk with my children very often about my alcoholism and drug addiction. Thanks God not even proffesionals put the blame for this on anywone but the alcoholic. Sadly cheating and other destructive behavior is often "explained" away, excused and downplayed.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Acabado
I get where your coming from. And I think it is great about you being open about drug and alcohol abuse.

I also speak to my kids about love, loyalty, honesty and how there is no room in a relationship for infidelity.

I tell my 3 daughters that so they imprint those qualities in their minds when they are dating and what to look for in a future spouse.

But another reason I tell them about love, loyalty, and honesty is so they know what I expect from them when they are in those relationships.

It works both ways.

HM64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

You must think of the kids first in this regard. They are not a tool for revenge. Trust me, the truth will reign supreme but do not use the truth as a weapon.

I would be honest with the two older children as they are old enough to take the truth. Be clear that you are not being as transparent with your six and twelve year old and let them know they are not to discuss details with their younger siblings. 

When your younger children are older you can be honest with them but refrain from throwing stones. Do NOT malign their relationship with their father. He is done enough of that already whether he gets it or not now.

I am not sure I would include your husband in the discussion with the older children. It will put him on the defensive and you do not want to have your husband substantiating his affair with how horrible a wife you have been. I would tell the older kids and then tell your husband about the divorce being filed.

I wish the best for you and your kids.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Don't forget, even giving the WS a slight benefit of the doubt that this wasn't a PA, he can't deny it was an EA, correct? This is just as much of an infidelity as anything. He reached out to someone outside the marriage.
I am on the don't share with the kids side" My daughter discovered by STBXH sexting crap on the laptop, and the two haven't spoken in four months. The idiot still can't understand why.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Why do you need further evidence? 

I would talk to him privately before talking to the children with him. I would tell him that you hired a private investigator and that you have irrefutable evidence that he is/was having an affair. He doesn't need to know if it is pictures, video or a recording.

Tell him that the children need to know the truth. That either he tells them or you tell them. Make sure that if he denies, you will be showing your evidence.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I'd tell them your dad wants to leave me for another women because he is not in love with me anymore. I am very sad because I thought marriage was for ever but theres nothing I can do he seems to have his mind set on leaving his family for her. he still wants to see and be part of your lives but I don't know what else to tell you ask him for the details maybe he can clear things up for you.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

I see there are 2 sets of opinions here.... tell kids about affair or tell them just that mom and dad are getting D ........I have spoken to my sister and some close friends and the majority feel that for now just tell them about the divorce and not say there was an affair at this point for the kids sake (I want to tell them the truth but am now second guessing myself)

They also feel it would be easier for me to take the step of having my WH served with D papers (I wanted kids to know before the serving and I am having a really hard time taking that step of serving him-- not that i dont want to D him, but that he will be LIVID and concider it an act of war)...Believe me, what he did what should make me livid, but still that doesnt take away the fact that he will grow horns when this happens.


My WH is so mortified that they will find out about the affair, although he denies PA.... and yes (to Pluto2) he does admit to EA, although I have proof of PA..............and yes an affair is an affair but my WH would not think of an EA a true affair like a PA would be.


I know he deserves to be mortified, but right now I need the guts just to serve him with the papers and feel this would be the best way to do this and not set him off into a volitile crazy person (he is a volitle and verbally abusive person) and I still have to live with him for now.

I will tell WH that they WILL know eventually but for now i will be ok with just telling them the D fact. 

i don't know why, but I just can't go and do all this like I know i should. It is harder than I can imagine and I think fear is the main reason i cant do it.

I am getting there tho. No-one can understand my procrastination with this and listening to them, i know they are right, but i have a cliff i need to jump off of.

What do u all think?


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

As someone who has had to do this twice, once with younger and recently with older children, here is what I did. With younger children, specific details can be hard for them to understand. All they know is mom and dad wont be here together anymore. They may think they had something to do with it. The priority is to let them know they had absolutely nothing to do with it and no matter what, you will always be there for them. The older kids can handle more information. I would only mention the true reason if they ask for specifics. I can promise you I will not lie to cover up my cheating ex's poor choices. The older children need to know that life isnt always fair and sometimes bad things happen to good people.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

You must tell them about the other women (OW) or you will forever be the bad guy for being the one that filed for the divorce. Even if you do not want to show your proof for the physical affair (PA) the emotional affair (EA) is good enough to say the he will not give her up to save the marriage. Do not doubt yourself on this. Other people always want to keep affairs secret for some reason or another. Do not listen to them.

You can also say that you do not want to say your source at this time, but let them know that you know for a fact that it is also a PA. Tell them that you will prove it at a later date and they will know that their father lied to their face when he denied it to them.


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