# Is my friendship inappropriate



## Truejoinery

I have been unhappy in my marriage for over 5 years, I have felt insecure distrusted and disrespected. I have suffered a porn addiction and was caught about 6 years ago. I believe this was the start of my unhappiness, I was embarrassed and couldn't stand the thought of judgement that would come if my marriage failed. But i couldn't stop looking at porn, i lived in fear of losing my family. 

I met a female on a language app while learning a new language two months ago, she recognized my unhappiness and called it out. Since then i have been able to share all of my problems with her without feeling judged, we have found that we are basically the same person in personality. She encouraged me to be true to myself, told me that lying to my wife so much was not fair to her, myself, or our two kids. I have told my wife I think we should separate and my wife wants to try and save the marriage. But she wants me to stop talking to this woman (who lives 7000km away from me). I don't think I can stop, she is the first person to see through all of my lies and make me feel human again. I admit that if my marriage fails i will likely try and build a relationship with this woman, but it isnt something i am trying to do now.


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## Diana7

Of course you must stop talking the the OW, you are having an emotional affair. 
How would you see your children if you end up living 7,000 miles away? 
Please get your focus back onto your wife and children because you are not available to be with anyone else. 
This online relationship is pure fantasy. You know nothing about her, she could be anyone.


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## hplove

I am giving you a real answer, I am not trying to piss you off. 
Yes! it is inappropriate, put yourself in her shoes. How about you use that energy and time you are using talking to her and make yourself a better man. In time she will see it. Porn addiction is not good either, you cant do the same things at home since those are paid actors.....
If you don't want to save your marriage then break it off and move on, but the addictions and the issues will still be there.


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## Ursula

Yep, your friendship is inappropriate!


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## Truejoinery

This new friends acceptance of me has helped me kick the addiction to porn, i always new it was bad but i was never able to stop. Now looking back it came from a place of not feeling wanted or accepted. And i would not move 7000 km away from my kids, i do not think anything could happen with this new friend. I feel that i need this persons support, i have tried to make male friends locally but none of the people i have tried with have become strong friendships with trust. I have that now. I feel as though i could talk respectfully with my new friend and work on my marriage. But i also dont feel anything for my wife anymore, it has been too much time feeling like she was pretending to be happy the same as me just to keep the family unit together. After talking i understand the miscommunication but i still don't feel anything anymore.


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## Luckylucky

It is inappropriate yes fo course. And she/he didn’t help you kick an addiction, you’ve just changed substances. If anything, your addiction has worsened. You’re in love now and wanting to end your marriage. 

It’s not your wife or marriage that you’re unhappy with. You don’t like male friends, or even human people much at all. I suspect if you did become more involved with people offline rather than offline, you would only mix with females, or men of a lesser status than you. But I don’t really see you being close with men, I’m certain you’d be the man with lots of female friends. 

You have a paper-thin ego, that’s what’s driving this.

How did you meet your wife? Is she beautiful and kind? How many kids do you have?


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## Evinrude58

Truejoinery said:


> I have been unhappy in my marriage for over 5 years, I have felt insecure distrusted and disrespected. I have suffered a porn addiction and was caught about 6 years ago. I believe this was the start of my unhappiness, I was embarrassed and couldn't stand the thought of judgement that would come if my marriage failed. But i couldn't stop looking at porn, i lived in fear of losing my family.
> 
> I met a female on a language app while learning a new language two months ago, she recognized my unhappiness and called it out. Since then i have been able to share all of my problems with her without feeling judged, we have found that we are basically the same person in personality. She encouraged me to be true to myself, told me that lying to my wife so much was not fair to her, myself, or our two kids. I have told my wife I think we should separate and my wife wants to try and save the marriage. But she wants me to stop talking to this woman (who lives 7000km away from me). I don't think I can stop, she is the first person to see through all of my lies and make me feel human again. I admit that if my marriage fails i will likely try and build a relationship with this woman, but it isnt something i am trying to do now.


Totally 100% inappropriate


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## Truejoinery

Luckylucky said:


> It is inappropriate yes fo course. And she/he didn’t help you kick an addiction, you’ve just changed substances. If anything, your addiction has worsened. You’re in love now and wanting to end your marriage.
> 
> It’s not your wife or marriage that you’re unhappy with. You don’t like male friends, or even human people much at all. I suspect if you did become more involved with people offline rather than offline, you would only mix with females, or men of a lesser status than you. But I don’t really see you being close with men, I’m certain you’d be the man with lots of female friends.
> 
> You have a paper-thin ego, that’s what’s driving this.
> 
> How did you meet your wife? Is she beautiful and kind? How many kids do you have?


She is pretty enough, i have never considered myself proud. We have two kids, we come from a religous background of Christians and followed the biblical rules of dating and marriage. We didn't live together or have relations with each other until after we got married. I disagree about the men of lesser status comment, i have enjoyed being friends with women but have avoided it in the past for fear of giving my wife a reason to suspect something and leave me. My self esteem was very low before i met this new friend. I only maintained contact because she was so far away. I see sense in the idea that my addiction has shifted from porn to this new friend except that there is nothing intimate between us.

I am ot sure what else to say.


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## Torninhalf

Truejoinery said:


> She is pretty enough, i have never considered myself proud. We have two kids, we come from a religous background of Christians and followed the biblical rules of dating and marriage. We didn't live together or have relations with each other until after we got married. I disagree about the men of lesser status comment, i have enjoyed being friends with women but have avoided it in the past for fear of giving my wife a reason to suspect something and leave me. My self esteem was very low before i met this new friend. I only maintained contact because she was so far away. I see sense in the idea that my addiction has shifted from porn to this new friend except that there is nothing intimate between us.
> 
> I am ot sure what else to say.


Looks like you have a choice to make. Your wife or your friend.


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## DownByTheRiver

Truejoinery said:


> I have been unhappy in my marriage for over 5 years, I have felt insecure distrusted and disrespected. I have suffered a porn addiction and was caught about 6 years ago. I believe this was the start of my unhappiness, I was embarrassed and couldn't stand the thought of judgement that would come if my marriage failed. But i couldn't stop looking at porn, i lived in fear of losing my family.
> 
> I met a female on a language app while learning a new language two months ago, she recognized my unhappiness and called it out. Since then i have been able to share all of my problems with her without feeling judged, we have found that we are basically the same person in personality. She encouraged me to be true to myself, told me that lying to my wife so much was not fair to her, myself, or our two kids. I have told my wife I think we should separate and my wife wants to try and save the marriage. But she wants me to stop talking to this woman (who lives 7000km away from me). I don't think I can stop, she is the first person to see through all of my lies and make me feel human again. I admit that if my marriage fails i will likely try and build a relationship with this woman, but it isnt something i am trying to do now.


Why would that woman want a relationship with you, though? I mean, she'd know you were up for meeting new women and bailing on your marriage just because some stranger online validated your worst traits. Of course, this stranger also knows you're a big liar, so if she is interested, it may be because she's just as big a liar or cheat. It's easy to be nonjudgmental if you're never going to actually meet someone. Like you said, she saw right through you. I don't think that means she's into you.


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## Truejoinery

DownByTheRiver said:


> Why would that woman want a relationship with you, though? I mean, she'd know you were up for meeting new women and bailing on your marriage just because some stranger online validated your worst traits. Of course, this stranger also knows you're a big liar, so if she is interested, it may be because she's just as big a liar or cheat. It's easy to be nonjudgmental if you're never going to actually meet someone. Like you said, she saw right through you. I don't think that means she's into you.


She didn't want a relationship, it is a language app for learning a new language. We just started talking about being happy in life, about struggling with problems. She listened without judgment. I have never used social media, i dont feel that it is a healthy thing


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## DownByTheRiver

Truejoinery said:


> She didn't want a relationship, it is a language app for learning a new language. We just started talking about being happy in life, about struggling with problems. She listened without judgment. I have never used social media, i dont feel that it is a healthy thing


Not my point. You're saying you'd want one with her. I'm saying, why would she, knowing what she knows about you? Regardless of how you met or how you talk.


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## Truejoinery

Truejoinery said:


> She didn't want a relationship, it is a language app for learning a new language. We just started talking about being happy in life, about struggling with problems. She listened without judgment. I have never used social media, i dont feel that it is a healthy thing





DownByTheRiver said:


> Not my point. You're saying you'd want one with her. I'm saying, why would she, knowing what she knows about you? Regardless of how you met or how you talk.


I understand what you mean, i don't know that she would. I am just trying to be honest about how i feel.


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## DownByTheRiver

Why don't you at least try to come clean with your wife (who must suspect lies anyway) and see if unburdening yourself that way ends it or gives you a new foundation to save your marriage. I'm not for staying married if you're miserable, but getting unmarried isn't going to solve whatever made you the way you've been either, so that's not going to make you happy either. You have things within yourself you need to resolve. What about therapy?


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## Luckylucky

Of course a stranger online will listen without judgement. I chat with a lady at a grocery store, we have a small moan, a giggle about life and I take my groceries home and she takes my cash. That’s what that is. (I’m female). 

You know, it’s totally ok to be proud of your wife’s looks? Wouldn’t that be a beautiful thing, to show the world how proud you are of her? To boast, even? Who doesn’t feel uplifted hearing a man smile when he mentions his beautiful wife, or hearing a woman beam when she talks about her husband?

Given your religious background, there is a huge conflict within you. You know what’s appropriate. 

Is there any history of depression/bipolar, did you have learning difficulties at school, and what is behind your lack of male friends? Did you maintain any long-term friendships growing up (not online)? 

Truly, it isn’t a healthy sign when someone goes down this road. Meeting a stranger online and thinking this has awakened something and you would consider a relationship later if your marriage doesn’t work out is really concerning. After 2 months. Meeting on a language app. It is alarming to be honest. Are you feeling ok otherwise?


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## Evinrude58

You say that there’s never been anything intimate. Yes there has.

I agree with others that the reason she was nonjudgmental is that she had no vested interest in you. Or that she did have an interest in coming to live with you as you likely hope. Either way, you should be thankful for what you have and not investing childish thoughts in an online fairytale that’s all in your mind.


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## Torninhalf

Evinrude58 said:


> You say that there’s never been anything intimate. Yes there has.
> 
> I agree with others that the reason she was nonjudgmental is that she had no vested interest in you. Or that she did have an interest in coming to live with you as you likely hope. Either way, you should be thankful for what you have and not investing childish thoughts in an online fairytale that’s all in your mind.


Amen. Why do people put so much faith in random strangers on the internet?


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## Luckylucky

The other thing I notice, when I mentioned male friends, you spoke quickly of your enjoyment with female friends - what was the family dynamic at home? Brothers, sisters, parents? What is the avoidance of men all about? I have to ask, and you don’t need to answer… but have you ever questioned your sexuality? Latent homosexuality? 

I can see and understand that you have low-self esteem, all of this is fairly textbook. I also understand you feel empty, you don’t trust anyone (why???). 

You worry for some reason your wife was going to leave you - is this really what’s driving all of this? You have a great woman, and you think you’re not good enough for her (or maybe other people have questioned how you managed to find a woman like this?) not good enough to have a healthy marriage, a woman to stand by you through think and thin, to hold your hand through your pain? Other than you saying you don’t feel anything for her, you don’t really say anything bad about her either.

Is a bad or immoral woman, a porn star, what you really want and deserve??? Would it give you a boost, finally, to have a women lesser than you in every way, so that you get to finally shine, make you the man you’ve always wanted to be? I suspect your wife is amazing, looks beautiful and that people tell you this all the time. And maybe, just maybe, instead of being proud of this… it takes the attention away from you.


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## Truejoinery

Luckylucky said:


> The other thing I notice, when I mentioned male friends, you spoke quickly of your enjoyment with female friends - what was the family dynamic at home? Brothers, sisters, parents? What is the avoidance of men all about? I have to ask, and you don’t need to answer… but have you ever questioned your sexuality? Latent homosexuality?
> 
> I can see and understand that you have low-self esteem, all of this is fairly textbook. I also understand you feel empty, you don’t trust anyone (why???).
> 
> You worry for some reason your wife was going to leave you - is this really what’s driving all of this? You have a great woman, and you think you’re not good enough for her (or maybe other people have questioned how you managed to find a woman like this?) not good enough to have a healthy marriage, a woman to stand by you through think and thin, to hold your hand through your pain? Other than you saying you don’t feel anything for her, you don’t really say anything bad about her either.
> 
> Is a bad or immoral woman, a porn star, what you really want and deserve??? Would it give you a boost, finally, to have a women lesser than you in every way, so that you get to finally shine, make you the man you’ve always wanted to be? I suspect your wife is amazing, looks beautiful and that people tell you this all the time. And maybe, just maybe, instead of being proud of this… it takes the attention away from you.



Again, i do not consider myself proud. I am not envious of the attention my wife gets. I have lived for years feeling that she does not love me, that one small mistake would bring the house of cards falling down. That i would have to face our families and admit i am disgusting piece of filth that doesn't have the self control to turn a ****ing computer off. I don't need you to bring me down further. But i am here now trying to figure out what to do, i felt empty and lonely and friendless. I found a friend far away that offered me a listening ear and support without judgement. This has given me life again enough to talk honestly with my wife for the first time in 5 or 6 years. It has given me strength to stop looking at porn. There is a strong friendship there that i don't want to lose, i feel that it got inappropriate but that i can manage an appropriate friendship with his woman 7000km away that i have only seen a profile picture of. Which is easily doctored. But my wife wants me to stop talking to her, i feel this is unreasonable and a sign that she refuses to trust me. That maybe our marriage is already dead.


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## Anastasia6

Truejoinery said:


> Again, i do not consider myself proud. I am not envious of the attention my wife gets. I have lived for years feeling that she does not love me, that one small mistake would bring the house of cards falling down. That i would have to face our families and admit i am disgusting piece of filth that doesn't have the self control to turn a ****ing computer off. I don't need you to bring me down further. But i am here now trying to figure out what to do, i felt empty and lonely and friendless. I found a friend far away that offered me a listening ear and support without judgement. This has given me life again enough to talk honestly with my wife for the first time in 5 or 6 years. It has given me strength to stop looking at porn. There is a strong friendship there that i don't want to lose, i feel that it got inappropriate but that i can manage an appropriate friendship with his woman 7000km away that i have only seen a profile picture of. Which is easily doctored. But my wife wants me to stop talking to her, i feel this is unreasonable and a sign that she refuses to trust me. That maybe our marriage is already dead.


No you can not have an appropriate relationship with this woman. If you want to work on your marriage then your wife is correct you have to stop communicating with this friend. 

What you have is an emotional affair.


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## Diana7

Truejoinery said:


> Again, i do not consider myself proud. I am not envious of the attention my wife gets. I have lived for years feeling that she does not love me, that one small mistake would bring the house of cards falling down. That i would have to face our families and admit i am disgusting piece of filth that doesn't have the self control to turn a ****ing computer off. I don't need you to bring me down further. But i am here now trying to figure out what to do, i felt empty and lonely and friendless. I found a friend far away that offered me a listening ear and support without judgement. This has given me life again enough to talk honestly with my wife for the first time in 5 or 6 years. It has given me strength to stop looking at porn. There is a strong friendship there that i don't want to lose, i feel that it got inappropriate but that i can manage an appropriate friendship with his woman 7000km away that i have only seen a profile picture of. Which is easily doctored. But my wife wants me to stop talking to her, i feel this is unreasonable and a sign that she refuses to trust me. That maybe our marriage is already dead.


Of course she wants you to stop talking the her, you are being emotionally intimate with her. You are treating her as your emotional wife. You are a married man.


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## Truejoinery

Well i will concede, the general consensus is that it is an inappropriate relationship. Thank you all for your input.


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## Evinrude58

And you’re still going to continue it.

If you ever want to have feelings for your wife again, you’ve got to go no contact with your source of emotional connection. You can’t have an emotional connection of this kind with two women.

it’s not what you want to hear. But it’s fact. Any person trained in these things would tell you the same. I don’t know you. But I can tell you that you are on a path to lose your wife and that you seem to be ok with. It she stayed even though she bows you are in love with this other woman. I Think that kind of woman shouldn’t be turned loose of someone easily. I wish you luck at whatever is best for you.


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## jlg07

Truejoinery said:


> But i am here now trying to figure out what to do, i felt empty and lonely and friendless. I found a friend far away that offered me a listening ear and support without judgement. This has given me life again enough to talk honestly with my wife for the first time in 5 or 6 years. It has given me strength to stop looking at porn.


So this is good. TAKE that you have stopped porn, TAKE that you have been honest with your wife and BUILD ON THAT WITH YOUR WIFE, not this other person. How about becoming friends again with your WIFE?

You have to understand that what you have with the language woman is and emotional affair. The issues you had needed to be discussed with your WIFE.


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## Luckylucky

I think a professional will tell you everything we’ve told you in one session. Question is, will you just keep repeating yourself and never go back for the second or third session? 

A good professional won’t let you play victim and repeat most of what we’ve said. They won’t judge you, and certainly won’t validate you and make you feel like what you’re doing is the key to your self esteem. Or that any of this is sane. 

For example. Two people, artists, at University. One student is told how every single painting is brilliant! Wonderful! The second student is told, this is ok, but you’re lacking here and here, can you do this next time? Who’s going to be the better painter? 

I don’t think you’re going to stop your friendship, and in a professional setting, I would be telling your wife to leave. 

Come back to us in a month.


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## Evinrude58

Sometimes wanting is one helluva lot better than getting. This is one of those times, sir.


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## MarmiteC

Your relationship is inappropriate and I think you know this. But perhaps what needs to be explored is why you felt you could open up to her and not to your wife. You could and should end this emotional affair, but unless you address why you are unhappy, why you can't solve this with your wife, it's probably going to happen again.



Truejoinery said:


> I have been unhappy in my marriage for over 5 years, I have felt insecure distrusted and disrespected. I have suffered a porn addiction and was caught about 6 years ago. I believe this was the start of my unhappiness, I was embarrassed and couldn't stand the thought of judgement that would come if my marriage failed. But i couldn't stop looking at porn, i lived in fear of losing my family.


You mention here you have felt insecure, distrusted and disrespected and you believe it's since your wife found out about your porn addiction. How did that conversation go? What was the outcome? Did she offer to get you help? Did she dismiss it and tell you to sort yourself out? This is a long time to live feeling unhappy, and you admitted you continued the behaviour, why?


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## damo7

Women that have a huge problem with porn aren't for me. Where does she draw the line? If you're watching Game of Thrones and a sex scene pops on TV does she make you leave the room? 
Can you just never masturbate? A natural human thing to do with your OWN body. 

Should have never married her. Get out.


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## Luckylucky

damo7 said:


> Women that have a huge problem with porn aren't for me. Where does she draw the line? If you're watching Game of Thrones and a sex scene pops on TV does she make you leave the room?
> Can you just never masturbate? A natural human thing to do with your OWN body.
> 
> Should have never married her. Get out.


She doesn’t have a problem with porn, he does. He’s chatting online to a chick and thinking of trying a relationship with her because he doesn’t love his wife. After 2 months of chatting on an online app.


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## DLC

You want to give up your marriage for a person who lives 7000 km away? Btw, this is the internet, that woman could be a 60 yr old man who never showered since 1995. Haha

if your Wife is willing work on your marriage, see counseling, for the sake of your children, so it.

if that fails, then go for plan B. Plan A is ALWAYS the kids.

btw, what’s that language app? I need to “learn a new language” … distance doesn’t matter. Hey, don’t judge me! My “roommate” has no intention to work on anything but herself. LOL 🤣


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## jonty30

Truejoinery said:


> This new friends acceptance of me has helped me kick the addiction to porn, i always new it was bad but i was never able to stop. Now looking back it came from a place of not feeling wanted or accepted. And i would not move 7000 km away from my kids, i do not think anything could happen with this new friend. I feel that i need this persons support, i have tried to make male friends locally but none of the people i have tried with have become strong friendships with trust. I have that now. I feel as though i could talk respectfully with my new friend and work on my marriage. But i also dont feel anything for my wife anymore, it has been too much time feeling like she was pretending to be happy the same as me just to keep the family unit together. After talking i understand the miscommunication but i still don't feel anything anymore.


What that suggests is the root of your problem is disconnected from your spouse.95% of all addictions have their root in loneliness.


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## jonty30

DLC said:


> You want to give up your marriage for a person who lives 7000 km away? Btw, this is the internet, that woman could be a 60 yr old man who never showered since 1995. Haha
> 
> if your Wife is willing work on your marriage, see counseling, for the sake of your children, so it.
> 
> if that fails, then go for plan B. Plan A is ALWAYS the kids.
> 
> btw, what’s that language app? I need to “learn a new language” … distance doesn’t matter. Hey, don’t judge me! My “roommate” has no intention to work on anything but herself. LOL 🤣


Or worse. It could be this guy.


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## Blondilocks

The OP was here for one day. He hasn't been back so it is doubtful he will see any further advice.


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## jonty30

Blondilocks said:


> The OP was here for one day. He hasn't been back so it is doubtful he will see any further advice.


Let's hope that he came to his senses.


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