# Newbie -- Needs help soon!!!



## NeglectedWife (Sep 19, 2008)

I'm particularly interested to know why TYPE of counselor I should consult.

After 15 years together, I'm at a place where I've accepted all things I can't change and it's become too much. I've let him be who he really is and it's not what I want outta marriage or my life. We're friends and we love each other, but I'm not sure "in" love is there for either of us anymore. 

How I know a big change is inevitable is that even if he promised to change or even if he actually DID change everything to how I need it, it wouldn't be real and it probably wouldn't last. It wouldn't matter at this point. I don't believe that it's possible. I've moved from the point of wishing HE wanted to do the things I like and care about the things I care about, etc. to wanting to find someone who really wants to be there with me and care about the things I care about. I'm tired of being alone or only doing the things he likes. It's much more complicated, but that's the gist.

I know that I can't live w/o the love, affection and attention that I've gone without. Living and breathing depends upon having that in my life. I can't be good for anyone without it. 

Now that I've sorta reached a point I want to really address this possibility, a MAJOR point comes up that I've just wanted to shut away in a cave. 

I think THIS serious issue has to be decided before I can make any decision regarding the marriage. 

My StepD was molested as a child. I found a poem when she was young that basically said as much. Showed it to hubby and nothing aside from keeping her from being alone with men was done. He didn't ask her about it, he didn't push to find out who. I'm hypersensitive to the issue, so my eyes and ears have been WIDE open ever since. Nothing has come to light to determine who.

She's a young adult now and she confided in him this spring over the phone that she had in fact been molested. I was not a witness to the call. Before he told me, he made me promise I wouldn't tell anyone or talk with her. He said she would not tell him who, but the way she said it made him think it was one of her mom's relatives. 

Hubby has middle aged sisters who in the last couple of years finally confessed their father molested them for years. StepD was asked if it was him and she claimed no. BUT, he did not tell her about her aunts. 

So, I've been a very paranoid mother to my biological daughter who is a preteen. 

I have no real reasons to suspect hubby, but on the off chance that he is, how could I possibly divorce and not be there to protect my daugther. She would spend a LOT more time w/ him if we were divorced. For now, it's mostly just she and I. And they rarely are alone. Part of his lack of interest and my paranoia in not encouraging it. I did have a general conversation w/ StepD when she was about 16 stressing to her that she had a responsibility to protect her little sister if anyone had messed with her and was also exposed to my daughter. She did not confess to me at that time.

Maybe I'm over thinking it all, but it's kinda like if you had a big bowl of quarters and there are two pennys tossed in. That 2% wondering just stands out and won't go away until it's plucked out. 

I am VERY familiar with how these situations work and know that it takes a LOT to get a person put in jail or to loose visitation rights. 

Nothing that I know of has happened to my daugther. 

My plan is to try to get into some sort of counselling and get started toward figuring out what I want and how I can find out this very serious topic. By the time StepD is back home from college, hopefully T-giving, then I'll be prepared to confront her supportively, but effectively enough to get a solid answer. THEN, I can make real decisions about him and our marriage. Until I know that, I can't make a decision in any direction good or bad. 

I just don't know if I can wait that long. 

BUT, hubby has no idea how I feel. We haven't talked about "us" in over three years. He's too stressed and busy w/ work he said back then to handle a conversation about us too. I thought he'd notice I quit trying. He never did. 

So, how do I get counselling and keep it from him until I'm ready to discuss it? I really, really don't want to talk w/ him about anything until I figure some things out on my own. I don't want to open the can of worms so to speak.

Appreciate all advice. I'm stressed beyond reason.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

OMG, hun. If you do find out it is hubby, you could get her easy. The law would take his rights away. Anyway, he would be too busy doing time, if I was judge. Don't stay with the man because you are afraid, and don't let a man make you afraid to leave him, if you choose to do so.


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## Sweet love (Sep 10, 2008)

What you shouldndo is not to wait fro the step D to comeback from college but go visit her now and ask her directly til you found out cause you got ot know.
also from the sisters.. they must know something too and oyu forgot one thing.. you let him ask her and that wasnt very wise and youw erent there when he did so.. oyu odnt actualy know what he said ot her and if it was him.. what he threatened her with if she did contacted you or told you in any way that it was him!
you must know that that kidn of things hapen using threats al te time on the victim to keep her silent.
Aware of that, contact her and ask. Face to face.
as for your hubby, better be away with your daughter than living with him. How old is your daughter now?
If oyu ahve that kin dof suspicions abotu yoru husband, hten maybe you might have pick up signals. unconcsiously but oyur logical mind refused to get them casue the idea is so terryfying.
you could also ask your daughter.
and thats going to be tricky.
but oyu migth have to do so too. Just in case..
can of worms, yeah, thats exactly what that is..
it stay "in the family" until the can get opened.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I think it would be impossible to be close to someone, let alone in love with someone, who could have molested your daughter. getting what you need from him is going to be impossible right now. You have to protect yourself and your daughter. There is no room for romantic love in a situation like that.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

NeglectedWife said:


> My StepD was molested as a child. I found a poem when she was young that basically said as much. Showed it to hubby and nothing aside from keeping her from being alone with men was done. He didn't ask her about it, he didn't push to find out who. I'm hypersensitive to the issue, so my eyes and ears have been WIDE open ever since. Nothing has come to light to determine who..


I have no experience with this subject, but the above quote is disturbing. My husband has his faults, but he would be highly upset if presented with something like this. We have two teenage daughters and I know he wouldn't ignore the issue. That's my question; why is your husband so passive about this? If he isn't the guilty party, then does he know who is? Could it have been his father? Perhaps your sister-in-laws could give you more information. It does sound like your husband knows more than he is letting on.

As for your relationship with your husband, seeing a counselor will be a great idea. A marriage counselor can help you sort out your feelings. You don't have to see a marriage counselor as a couple to benefit from it.


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## NeglectedWife (Sep 19, 2008)

Honey said:


> OMG, hun. If you do find out it is hubby, you could get her easy. The law would take his rights away. Anyway, he would be too busy doing time, if I was judge. Don't stay with the man because you are afraid, and don't let a man make you afraid to leave him, if you choose to do so.


I've personally dealt with trying to get a person in jail who molested many, many girls for 30 years and he is still walking free. He even admitted to police and he is still FREE!!!! I have no faith in the system and know that I and no one else has to maintain control of this situation. It is pure MYTH that people get thrown in jail for these sort of things. There has to be ABUNDANT proof and completely cooperative victims.


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## NeglectedWife (Sep 19, 2008)

Sweet love said:


> What you shouldndo is not to wait fro the step D to comeback from college but go visit her now and ask her directly til you found out cause you got ot know.
> also from the sisters.. they must know something too and oyu forgot one thing.. you let him ask her and that wasnt very wise and youw erent there when he did so.. oyu odnt actualy know what he said ot her and if it was him.. what he threatened her with if she did contacted you or told you in any way that it was him!
> you must know that that kidn of things hapen using threats al te time on the victim to keep her silent.
> Aware of that, contact her and ask. Face to face.
> ...



I didn't LET him ask her. There was a situation going on where StepD was sorta in trouble. Next thing I know, he's telling me that she told him that she's messed up and has issues with men because someone molested her. 

Yes, I didn't like he wanted me to promise not to talk w/ her and it bothers me as to why. "She doesn't want anyone to know" and all that stuff. I immediately wondered: could it be that she confronted him about HIM molesting her. Maybe she threatened him about my daughter??? 

I really do need to consult a professional before I ask anyone anything. I just need to know what kind would be best for this situation. 

Family counselor, psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist. ?????????:scratchhead:


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## NeglectedWife (Sep 19, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> I think it would be impossible to be close to someone, let alone in love with someone, who could have molested your daughter. getting what you need from him is going to be impossible right now. You have to protect yourself and your daughter. There is no room for romantic love in a situation like that.


I completely agree and finally coming to terms w/ fact that even if I only have 2% doubt, any doubt at ALL on such a topic is too much and has to be addressed.


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## NeglectedWife (Sep 19, 2008)

827Aug said:


> .....My husband has his faults, but he would be highly upset if presented with something like this....... That's my question; why is your husband so passive about this? If he isn't the guilty party, then does he know who is? Could it have been his father? Perhaps your sister-in-laws could give you more information. It does sound like your husband knows more than he is letting on.....


I agree. I've never been comfortable that he's so passive about it. He's never been as upset about the poem, the confession of StepD or his sisters as I thought he should be. Most men I know at least threaten to kill people. That's my first reaction always on those sorta topics. 

His sisters never even gave us warning about their father and my StepD stayed at their father's house almost every Friday night for two years when she was 4-6. ??? Why did they never give warning. And my own daughter was watched by them a few times in the years before they finally came forward. Fortunately it was few. 

I really think if hubby knew it was his dad he'd say. His father is dead now and he told me about his sisters. And I think now that he's been dead for several years, that StepD would say if it was him as well.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

NeglectedWife said:


> Family counselor, psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist. ?????????:scratchhead:


Of course im no expert on the subject but if i were in your shoes I would go with a family counselor. Your situation is dynamic and involves a lot of other people, whom you may want to eventually involve in your sessions. A psychologist is geared mainly in understanding the problems of one person (they dont play well in dynamics), and a psychiatrist is mainly interested in what drugs they can put you on.


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