# My wife opened my pad and found a video paused of a couple of women making out



## CaughtWithSoftPorn (Jul 31, 2014)

They had their clothes on....It is not a "usual'" thing for me. I used to have a problem with porn. It ruled my nights during college days. But now I am older and only have found myself using it a few times a year. My wife often "shuts me out". I am so attracted to her. She is my fantasy. But, somehow she always finds a reason to be angry with me. We have went 6 weeks without sex... I get strong urges just seeing her sleeping next to me. It gets so bad I have to go sleep somewhere else so I can stop thinking about her. Then there are times when I feel I just need to take care of business myself. I will use a video to turn me on and then its just her in my mind... fantasizing about my wife... the whole thing just seems twisted.


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

Leave your pad open for her to find two guys making out. You know, just to add balance to her fears.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

CaughtWithSoftPorn said:


> I get strong urges just seeing her sleeping next to me. It gets so bad I have to go sleep somewhere else so I can stop thinking about her.


Why isn't she sleeping next to you?


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## CaughtWithSoftPorn (Jul 31, 2014)

It's not that I can't touch her. In fact she seems to like spooning. But only for a few minutes then its.. push away... And then she complains the next morning about me bothering her last night... So, instead of bothering her I go out on the couch so I don't have to deal with the temptation.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

CaughtWithSoftPorn said:


> It's not that I can't touch her. In fact she seems to like spooning. But only for a few minutes then its.. push away... And then she complains the next morning about me bothering her last night... So, instead of bothering her I go out on the couch so I don't have to deal with the temptation.


Marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Was there a time in your marriage when you were ignoring your wife's sexual needs due to porn/masturbation?

Have you and your wife discussed a policy that you both agree on for porn?

How long have you two been married? How long has she been rejecting/ignoring your sexual needs?

Your wife cannot realistically expect that she can ignore you sexually and that you will not find other avenues to take care of your sexual needs.

How is the rest of your marriage. Usually problems with sex are a symptom of big problems in the marriage. So let's look at that.

How long have the two of you been married?
How old are the 2 of you?
Do you have children? If so how many and what ages?

Do both of you work outside the home?

Do you two argue a lot? If so what about?

How many hours a week do you and your wife, spend time together doing things that you two enjoy.. just the two of you?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

How often has she caught you with porn?


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

CaughtWithSoftPorn said:


> They had their clothes on....It is not a "usual'" thing for me. I used to have a problem with porn. It ruled my nights during college days. But now I am older and only have found myself using it a few times a year. My wife often "shuts me out". I am so attracted to her. She is my fantasy. But, somehow she always finds a reason to be angry with me. We have went 6 weeks without sex... I get strong urges just seeing her sleeping next to me. It gets so bad I have to go sleep somewhere else so I can stop thinking about her. Then there are times when I feel I just need to take care of business myself. I will use a video to turn me on and then its just her in my mind... fantasizing about my wife... the whole thing just seems twisted.


Very strange that you post 



> My wife opened my pad and found a video paused of a couple of women making out


as the subject of your problem. While 



> My wife often "shuts me out". I am so attracted to her. She is my fantasy. But, somehow she always finds a reason to be angry with me. We have went 6 weeks without sex...


is a real and MAJOR problem.

Can you give a reaction to that?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If she gets mad tell her you have needs that she is not meeting and therefore you look at porn and masturbate.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon caughtwithsoftporn
I agree with others here, porn isn't the big problem, lack of intimacy in your marriage is. 

Now its possible the porn is contributing to the lack of intimacy IF you are watching porn instead of being intimate with your wife. I don't get that impression though, so I think the porn is more like an effect than a cause. 

I don't think the type of porn matters - honestly two dressed women kissing, or hardcore group S&M scenes - makes no difference to me, the point is to cause arousal, and who cares what happens to float your boat.

This may be a good cause for couples therapy. Try to find the root cause - because I don't think that is porn.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Have you told your wife why you feel the need to relieve yourself with porn?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Hicks said:


> If she gets mad tell her you have needs that she is not meeting and therefore you look at porn and masturbate.


Exactly! She is causing a major problem in your marriage by not having sex with you. Why are you shouldering an unnecessary amount of guilt for doing what any normal guy in your situation would do?

She needs counseling.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

I'm struggling to see the connection between the not-really-even porn she found and your dead sex life.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> I'm struggling to see the connection between the not-really-even porn she found and your dead sex life.


Because she sounds like a fuddy duddy that just doesn't feel like having sex with him, and then gets mad or puts him down when she catches him seeking other outlets.

In the absence of further evidence.

It's like when my Ma caught me doin something naughty.
Except she's not your Ma.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Well, she can't deny you sex and then turn around and be surprised that you are watching porn. 

That said, have you ever ignored her for porn? Do you talk to her about her sexual wants and need as well as your own? Does she know that she hasn't had sex with you in 6 weeks? 

A real honest conversation needs to happen.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

(ignoring the porn part of this question for now) My wife loves to sleep with me. Due to scheduling we only sleep together weekends. a few weekends ago I tried to explain what Caught said about being there with all that temptation. She did not take it too well but she did appreciate (physically) the idea that I was attracted to her. Or maybe she was just bribing me to stay. Either way we both ended up happy.
MN


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I find it fascinating that your wife can freeze you out of your marriage and yet judge you for watching two girls make out.

My ex would do stuff like that.

Of course, she's my ex for a lot of reasons, but the frigidity is a big one. Oh, and the fact she was screwing around on me was another one.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think the problem here is that you were dealing with a symptom of the issue, rather than the issue itself. And now you're on the defensive. 

Personally, I'd tell her that unless she starts being a wife soon, she can expect things to escalate. Like, to watching videos of women kissing while NAKED!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

PBear said:


> I think the problem here is that you were dealing with a symptom of the issue, rather than the issue itself. And now you're on the defensive.
> 
> Personally, I'd tell her that unless she starts being a wife soon, she can expect things to escalate. Like, to watching videos of women kissing while NAKED!
> 
> ...


I couldn't agree more. This is a red herring. She needs to deal with her issues and not fret about something you could see on_ LA Law_ in 1991.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

PBear said:


> I think the problem here is that you were dealing with a symptom of the issue, rather than the issue itself. And now you're on the defensive.
> 
> Personally, I'd tell her that unless she starts being a wife soon, she can expect things to escalate. Like, to watching videos of women kissing while NAKED!
> 
> ...


Gasp!

People actually do such a thing???


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Ok, so we have a wife who shuts him out, and complains about it when he's trying to initiate with her (including spooning), and a guy who turns to porn for relief and it previously strained his marriage. 

Caught, I would encourage you to shift your thinking to something a little bit outside of your comfort zone. This is not criticism, so please don't take it as such.

A lot of men only touch their women when they want sex, and often do not acknowledge or understand a woman's need for foreplay. As a result, women can come to see sex as a chore - something they do for someone else and don't get much out of. 

I think this issue is present in your marriage. I also think that if you fixed this issue, you'd feel less need for ANY kind of porn, and your wife could begin to see sex with you as something fun that she wants to do (so long as hormonal issues aren't also present.)

How do you fix this? Start by making sure to offer your wife a TON of non-sexual touch. This means rub her shoulders or feet while you're watching television, or touching her elbow as you pass in the hallway, or kissing her deeply when you get home, but not making suggestive comments or expecting anything more. This stuff will help her feel how much you value her. (Sex doesn't have that effect even if your appreciation makes her sexy to you.)

It may take a few weeks before she really trusts that you aren't trying to get laid, so be patient!

When she does begin to respond sexually, make sure that you're taking plenty of time to warm her up and bring her to the big O. You didn't say how old she is, but if she is over 35 and has more trouble getting excited than she used to, it might be worth visiting a hormone doctor. I discovered that mainstream doctors don't help much in this arena, but those who specialize in hormonal health can make a world of difference. 

Best wishes.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon KathyBatesell
You may be right, but there are also a lot of people in relationships where their partners are not interested in sex even though other sorts of intimacy and love are offered.

There is also the problem that when someone is missing sex, other intimacy becomes difficult. Any touch tends to remind them of what they are missing, and cause both arousal and frustration. Its a difficult trap to escape.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

richardsharpe said:


> Good afternoon KathyBatesell
> You may be right, but there are also a lot of people in relationships where their partners are not interested in sex even though other sorts of intimacy and love are offered.
> 
> There is also the problem that when someone is missing sex, other intimacy becomes difficult. Any touch tends to remind them of what they are missing, and cause both arousal and frustration. Its a difficult trap to escape.


Both you and Kathy have good point.

We need for the OP to provide more info before anyone can really help his situation. But so far he's not returned to answer any questions. So all anyone can do right now is speculate.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

KathyBatesel said:


> Ok, so we have a wife who shuts him out, and complains about it when he's trying to initiate with her (including spooning), and a guy who turns to porn for relief and it previously strained his marriage.
> 
> Caught, I would encourage you to shift *your thinking *to something a little bit outside of your comfort zone. This is not criticism, so please don't take it as such.
> 
> ...


Yes. It is all his fault and he has to change his behaviour, not the wife who has a sexual issue she won't talk about and punishes the guy for exercising his right to relieve himself. 

On top of that he is trying to get laid! Scoundrel!


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## pirate (Aug 5, 2014)

it should be ok to look at videos.

females read erotic fiction, at least my wife does, she says for one hour each day when i'm at work.

she says her 3 best friends also read erotic fiction, and 2 of them are married and the other has a long-term boyfriend.

i think it helps sex life because i've spoken to my wife on the phone and said she had been reading and wants to have sex.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

PBear said:


> Personally, I'd tell her that unless she starts being a wife soon, she can expect things to escalate. Like, to watching videos of women kissing while NAKED!
> 
> 
> 
> > I would leave my ipad open to a popular fetish site. The way she is abusing him mentally, she is probably a dominatrix. He has just not found her other subs yet.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

While I don't porn in any form is the solution to the OP's problem, I do find the idea of a woman who turns down her husband and shames him for viewing softcore porn very controlling.

I agree they both need to communicate, but it is expected that sex would occur on a regular basis in a marriage.

Clearly , the wife has a problem with intimacy and he's part of that problem.
To what extent , we don't know , but some individual sex therapy for the wife and marital counseling for both of them might be able to help sort out the pieces of the puzzle.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

CaughtWithSoftPorn said:


> But, somehow she always finds a reason to be angry with me.


OP, why is she angry with you? Are there other, more legitimate reasons where she may have built up resentment?

If so, what are they? It would help a lot with the advice.

If not, you might want to consider that she is effectively controlling you and withholding the sex you crave... and she's doing it in a way where you believe she is correct for doing so. That's a really unhealthy place to be.


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