# Transitions and transience



## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

So now that I am divorced, have moved to a new city, and am dating a woman I see how all the counseling and such that I went through during my separation has helped.

1) I am far more open-minded and communicate much better with people in general, but in particular with the woman I am dating.
2) I am able to develop relatiolnships with people more broadly and without much focus on how they help "me" in my career or otherwise. I can see people for who they are rather than what they can do for me.

I am back in therapy in my new city because of all the shifts I am going through: dating a person, a new city, a potential career change coming, I have left "church" and consider myself not affiliated with any religion though I am Christian in a vague, loose, liberal sense (e.g., I like the idea of resurrection and renewal as a way to think about the end of the consumption cycle and something beyond capitalist logic...but that is another story).

As I am developing a relationship with a woman now, I see issues arising within myself. I think about whether it will last, or hurting her in the long run and getting hurt. My therapist recommended meditation as a way to ground myself in the day, a serenity practice, and let go of the worries about the future and be happy with what I have today. I like that. 

It is in tension with discussions that probably need to happen at some point, however, about the future. If I stay on an academic career path I will likely have to move within a year or two to a new city. She has a house here, and kids, and her ex has an interest in keeping her here so he can see his kids regularly. We have not talked about this at length because we are early in the relationship, just a few brief comments. But as we get closer and closer with each other, I forsee some real heartbreak down the road if I have to move and she stays behind. So do I continue investing in this, not worrying about tomorrow and what it will bring, being content to be happy with her and what we have at the moment as the meditation practice suggests, or do I initiate a discussion about the future and risk having to pull back or end the relationship before it gets really serious out of worry about future hurt? 

I don't know if I will get any job offers and if I do when (could be this winter when I get one for Fall 2015, or could be a few years wait, or I may never get one. Getting a job teaching in a university is a stressful process and I see it affecting yet again, another relationship (it destroyed my marriage as I worked my a$$ off to get to the point where my application can be at the top of the pile because I have published a ton and such).

So that is one issue: How do I invest in this place I live, this relationship I have with a wonderful woman who takes my breath away, yet hold it loosely, not worrying about tomorrow, but I do worry...because of the career path I chose...I like teaching, but is it worth it?

Anybody else struggling with this type of thing?


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Continue investing. You never know what the future holds, nor do you know if the relationship will last that long. So enjoy it in the moment and let go of the fear of the future.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Thanks. In the past I have refused to invest much in people, asking friends or in my community because I never know how long I will be somewhere because of the academic stuff. So I delved further into my work until that elusive day when I settle somewhere. Why invest in people when I may not be here for more than a year or so? Why risk the pain of separation? That has been my attitude in the past. 

Simply dating is a step forward. Because, despite my uncertainty, this time I've decided to take a different route (I am also doing things to involve myself in my local city).


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Arendt said:


> As I am developing a relationship with a woman now, I see issues arising within myself. I think about whether it will last, or hurting her in the long run and getting hurt. My therapist recommended meditation as a way to ground myself in the day, a serenity practice, and let go of the worries about the future and be happy with what I have today. I like that.
> 
> So do I continue investing in this, not worrying about tomorrow and what it will bring, being content to be happy with her and what we have at the moment as the meditation practice suggests, or do I initiate a discussion about the future and risk having to pull back or end the relationship before it gets really serious out of worry about future hurt?
> 
> ...


Continue investing in your life. It is the life you have now, live in the present. You gain nothing by worrying about the future (I get anxiety lol) and will lose everything if you decide to stop investing your time with the people you love.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Agreeing with other posters, focus on the present moment and making it a rich experience. When I'm doing that instead of doing the "woulda coulda shoulda" dance or obsessing over "what's going to happen next?" everything seems to fall into place.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Arendt said:


> Thanks. In the past I have refused to invest much in people, asking friends or in my community because I never know how long I will be somewhere because of the academic stuff. So I delved further into my work until that elusive day when I settle somewhere. Why invest in people when I may not be here for more than a year or so? Why risk the pain of separation? That has been my attitude in the past.
> 
> Simply dating is a step forward. Because, despite my uncertainty, this time I've decided to take a different route (I am also doing things to involve myself in my local city).


That's a very lonely path to take. I have moved a ton (7 different countries in the past 16 years). Not to establish relationships for fear of moving on would have meant me missing many wonderful experiences, plus have friends in so many places.


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## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

I agree with taking it day by day and invest in what you have now. The future with this new person and your new way of life could be the best ever. What does you heart say. Only you can be true to you.

In hindsight, before I was married, I knew a girl that was crazy about me and we knew each other for years and I really was crazy about her... I moved for my career and then I married my now EX. Should I have stayed and changed my career? Will never know however, you may be over thinking yourself. Enjoy the moment. Just saying.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Fenix said:


> That's a very lonely path to take. I have moved a ton (7 different countries in the past 16 years). Not to establish relationships for fear of moving on would have meant me missing many wonderful experiences, plus have friends in so many places.


Yeah I know. I am not making the same mistake this time around. It provided a convenient excuse to work all the time previously. Not any more. That is a lot of moving on your part...more than me and farther. wow

There are probably two separate issues for me anyhow when I think about it: 1) the issue of investing wherever I am I the place and the people no matter how long I am there. that means everybody...not just the dating relationship I have. 2) the issue of career and whether I want to continue and what price I am willing to pay if I do. I don't have that settled so that is probably what is bothering me the most and causing me more trouble than anything else.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Arendt said:


> Yeah I know. I am not making the same mistake this time around. It provided a convenient excuse to work all the time previously. Not any more. That is a lot of moving on your part...more than me and farther. wow
> 
> There are probably two separate issues for me anyhow when I think about it: 1) the issue of investing wherever I am I the place and the people no matter how long I am there. that means everybody...not just the dating relationship I have. 2) the issue of career and whether I want to continue and what price I am willing to pay if I do. I don't have that settled so that is probably what is bothering me the most and causing me more trouble than anything else.


Well, I am a bit of a moving junkie. I grew up with a father in the military and continued the pace as an adult. These days, staying in touch is pretty easy and I find I take 3 people with me from each place. You can never know the future. I am a strong advocate of investing wherever you are, until another path that seems like the right one opens up. Things have a tendency to work out.


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## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

Fenix said:


> Well, I am a bit of a moving junkie. I grew up with a father in the military and continued the pace as an adult. These days, staying in touch is pretty easy and I find I take 3 people with me from each place. You can never know the future. I am a strong advocate of investing wherever you are, until another path that seems like the right one opens up. Things have a tendency to work out.


This brought up a point that hit home with me also. Most of my friends are in other States as the EX and I moved about every 5 years or so. I have friends all over the place, the ones that I have are all close, basically family. That is how I invested in each place.
Don't see them much but when we do get together woo hoo..


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

dajam said:


> I agree with taking it day by day and invest in what you have now. The future with this new person and your new way of life could be the best ever. What does you heart say. Only you can be true to you.
> 
> In hindsight, before I was married, I knew a girl that was crazy about me and we knew each other for years and I really was crazy about her... I moved for my career and then I married my now EX. Should I have stayed and changed my career? Will never know however, you may be over thinking yourself. Enjoy the moment. Just saying.


I had a very similar situation. Yes you will never know.

In some ways that bothers me more than knowing what would have 

happened if I did stay. But forks in the road have multiple paths

and you can only take one


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## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

Chuck71 said:


> I had a very similar situation. Yes you will never know.
> 
> In some ways that bothers me more than knowing what would have
> 
> ...


Amen to that.. When I wrote and then read this, I really jumped on the way back and what could have machine... One more reason to live in the now.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

Many of us do cling onto the idea of "permanence" / "forever" which is such an alluring prospect, which drove me to marry my ex to begin with, I guess. We're gonna be together forever..and in reality, nothing lasts forever. If it's not going to be anything less than "permanent / stable", one starts to get some degree of anxiety of some sort. "Will this last?" "Will it end badly?" "Would this hurt me or hurt him or her?" etc. 

We have become such skilled scientists of gruesome reality of relationship mechanics. We analysed ourselves to death, we have had therapists and therapy is ongoing. 

I'm sure I get flamed by saying this, Nothing will last forever. Things change and things end. The most likely destination for us all, is "Death". We might as well cherish what we have no matter how transient our relationship(s) might be, whatever transition you may well be going through in our life's journey.

Whatever enriches you and helps you cherish what you got in our transient life on earth, we should grab hold of it and hold it close. Don't let it go. Love whilst you can.


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