# Husband cheated with prostitutes



## Eminem (Jan 16, 2014)

I found out last month that my husband of 4 years has been cheating with prostitutes since the start of our relationship 7 years ago. Over this period he has slept with 12 but had flirty email, text and phone chat with many many more. He has pre-arranged all meetings, and has done this when I've been at home, when I've been abroad, and when he has travelled with work. 

We have a 2 year old and a baby. I am so lost, so hurt, so humiliated. Even after 5 weeks of soul searching, I cannot say that I hate him. How messed up is that?!

He swears that he will never do it again, and doesn't know why he did it in the first place. He wants our marriage to work, but I just don't know. He is seeking help with counseling and going to Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings, but I doubt he is a sex addict. The flirty email exchanges with some of these women AFTER he has paid them for sex are so hurtful, and in my opinion show that there was no guilt or remorse, even though he insists there was.

I suppose I'm looking for any advice from people who have made their marriages work after such deceit, or alternatively how anyone has moved on from such a betrayal. Thanks.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Sorry you are here, this is a good start:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

Please get tested for STD's if you haven't already.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It sounds like this is a way of life for him. Are you sure it's just prostitutes? He could be a serial cheater who simply leads a double life and compartmentalizes.

It may take a while before you have a sense of what you want to do. You may, after all is said and done, not be able to live with this. Time will tell. In that time, you would have to be sure that he is reforming, but how would you really know? This is the rub.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Oh, and get tested for STD's if you haven't already.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

_I found out last month that my husband of 4 years has been cheating with prostitutes since the start of our relationship 7 years ago. Over this period he has slept with 12 but had flirty email, text and phone chat with many many more. He has pre-arranged all meetings, and has done this when I've been at home, when I've been abroad, and when he has travelled with work. _

And you're still with him because??


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Eminem said:


> He swears that he will never do it again, and doesn't know why he did it in the first place.


I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. But this sentence that you wrote is not a very good omen. How can he control something NOW, all of a sudden, if he has no idea what it was that he had no control over before? 

Sorry to say but I just wouldn't buy this, if I were you. Didn't he vow once before that he wouldn't have sex with others - as in, your wedding vows? So now when he swears that he won't, what makes you think this time is different, when he has so little grasp on what made him stray so MANY times? For you to believe him now would be wishful thinking, I'm afraid. An affair is one thing, but 12 different women (that you know of - and I wouldn't be too sure of that), and they were prostitutes, and since beginning of your relationship - this is a PATTERN that is, sadly, not very likely to change, no matter what he "swears." He's just likely to get sneakier about it.

If you stay with him, you are probably in for more heartache. He has some serious problems. Don't believe that just because he says he won't do it again that he won't.


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## Mzflower (Aug 3, 2013)

hopefulgirl said:


> I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. But this sentence that you wrote is not a very good omen. How can he control something NOW, all of a sudden, if he has no idea what it was that he had no control over before?
> 
> Sorry to say but I just wouldn't buy this, if I were you. Didn't he vow once before that he wouldn't have sex with others - as in, your wedding vows? So now when he swears that he won't, what makes you think this time is different, when he has so little grasp on what made him stray so MANY times? For you to believe him now would be wishful thinking, I'm afraid. An affair is one thing, but 12 different women (that you know of - and I wouldn't be too sure of that), and they were prostitutes, and since beginning of your relationship - this is a PATTERN that is, sadly, not very likely to change, no matter what he "swears." He's just likely to get sneakier about it.
> 
> If you stay with him, you are probably in for more heartache. He has some serious problems. Don't believe that just because he says he won't do it again that he won't.


:iagree: Enimen, read hopefulgirl's post a thousand times, print it, tattoo it on your hand . 
Sorry you are here. 1 affair is too many, but 12 is sounding like an addiction. 

Wishing you strength and courage. Please tell us you have been tested for Std's.


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

Oh, and I promise you it's not just 12. My husband told me it was 12, but when I found his secret email account, I found over 1,000 emails to escorts, swingers , Craigslist. It's been seven months since I busted my husband. I found out in June, then busted him in August, December and he last solicited sex on jam 6th. I never let on I'm watching that email or I know it exists. You need to find a way to verify his statements and don't reveal your source.

Something I learned on tam is to watch actions, not words. When I busted him the first time , I thought he would learn his lesson and stop. But he didn't and the cow tube wisdom on tam will teach you that unless THEY want to change, they won't.

I filed for divorce yesterday, finally. I'm sorry your here. Please read and post and really listen to the advice. It will save your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

Eminem, There is a condition known as the Madonna/***** complex. Men with this condition see women as either the Madonna (saintly) or *****. They don't want to defile their wives with the the type of sex they want. They do show attraction and sexual interest during the pursuit, but once they have you, you become the saintly wife and they pursue sexual gratification elsewhere. A Unfortunately it gets worse after the Madonna has a child (or children). Some celebrities that have (or had) this condition are: Elvis, Tiger Woods, and Jesse James. Research this. This may be the underlying reason why your H is having sex with prostitutes. If so, (and if you chose to stay) intense counseling is needed or else your life will continue in this way.

The good news is if he has this complex you can have peace knowing that it is not you. There is nothing you could have done to stop it and it has nothing to do with his attraction or lack there of to you. It is how he sees you...his saintly Madonna.

I understand the need to answer the question "why?" It's maddening.

Best of luck to you and I am sorry you are going through this.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Even if he doesn't have a "complex" it's not your fault.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Even if he doesn't have a "complex" it's not your fault.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Triple like this comment!

It's definitely not her fault. This complex is deeply rooted in a person's psyche.


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## frustratedinphx (Dec 29, 2007)

Please, please go get tested for STDs ASAP! I really hope for your sake that whatabouthis is on to something and that maybe you can work it out with intense therapy, but if that's not it, it sounds like a pattern... a very dangerous one for all involved. 

We're in the process of R from both having had affairs, emotional abuse, etc. It's a long, ugly road but we haven't made it the whole way yet so I can't vouch for happiness, but if you will regret not knowing what could have been... you should make every effort on your part then evaluate what's best for you and your kids.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

mablenc said:


> Even if he doesn't have a "complex" it's not your fault.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

Even if he's just an asshat, with no "addiction" and no "complex", none of this is in any way your fault. This lifestyle - and that's exactly what it is for him - is something he chose. All on his own. Without informing you about it. That's all on him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Divorce? Sorry. But I think you need one. And std tests.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Right now you are on the emotional roller coaster.

1. Get tested for STD's, the entire panel.
2. Go see an attorney, some offer the first visit for free and you will get a lot of information in that first visit.
3. No hasty decisions, that includes, no begging , pleading, forgiveness, etc. No promises.
4. time will be on your side and you have time to make decisions.

Don't believe a word he says.

I would ask him to give you all his accounts, show how much money he has spent, who these women were, where he met with them, and give you a timeline. I would also tell him, he has one chance to come clean, one. If he says no, or lies about things, you will know he is not sincere.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

@Eminem, sorry btw that's a very sucky thing to find out about!! 

Of course all the advice you have received is good especially the STD piece. I highly doubt you have one though it is much more rare than forums like you to believe and most providers are safer than the normal woman you meet at the bar.

People have alot of stereotypes when it comes to escorts and in this day and age it's not "your dad's" type of prostitution. There are verification processes multiple checks and balances and depending what site he used a whole lot more.

I do agree with what another poster said he may have slept with 12 he probably talked to 100's.....my biggest concern is this:



> He could be a serial cheater who simply leads a double life and compartmentalizes.


All of the married men I know that use escorts or are secret sugar daddies to college girls do this! 

99% of the time they do what they are supposed to games, dates, house projects, everything seems great, but that 1% of the time they enter that other world of theirs.......compartmentalizing their behaviors hidden from the world.

29 days out of the month they rock, but then that one day they are really going off to have crazy sex with a 20' something spinner. 

Like most guys I'm sure his hidden lifestyle is meaningless when compared to you. It always is because that other life is just a spec just a sliver of who he thinks he is. He would easily drop everything not to lose you or the kids, but the question is what happens 1,2,5, or 10 years down the line?

Best of luck hard decisions for you!!


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## Visionknower (Oct 14, 2013)

How traumatizing this has to be for you. Men who do what your H is doing have very serious issues that are not likely to ever change. They only get better at lying and intentionally confusing and using you. It will always be about his needs and his drive to feed and fill the sick gaping black hole that is at the helm of his being.
Prostitutes and STD go hand and hand You and your children deserve much better then this.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

I would wait a few to let your emotions settle. That being said I'm afraid when the dust settles, you will be gone. NOOOO WAY!!!! would would I stick around after that. Goodbye to you. I didn't sign up for this, you should have told me this, don't you think?


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

My dear, you are in terrible situation. 

The people on this board will be brutally honest with you. They will tell you things to don't want to hear, things you may already know, and things you never knew before.

The most prescient advice so far is to get checked for STDs. You need to have done that LAST WEEK.

It sounds like you still have love for your husband, that you believe in him if you don't believe him. Love is powerful, but it also clouds the senses.

I've had sex with a prostitute before (not while in a relationship). It's all about gratification, ego stroking, fantasies, etc. Someone mentioned the Madonna/***** complex. I believe this is true for many men, probably because we edify our wives and if we have insecurities about our sharing our lustful desires, then we can become inhibited. Men also seek variance by nature, although some here may dispute this. 

The problem is that what's done is done, and your husband has received such a high off of previous dalliances that he is more than able to do it again. Maybe not soon, since he was busted, but perhaps months or years down the road. The question is, Do you really want to live always wondering what he's up to? It's so easy for him to scout out a new sex target. These weren't affairs, these were fantasy f*cks. 

Look hard and deep within yourself. DEMAND respect and remorse from him. Seriously, this guy needs to be groveling at your feet. I don't always say that, but in your case it is true. He needs to realize what an utter piece of crap he has been to you and how much he has hurt you. If he can't, then he's not willing to change. Not underneath.

Focus on yourself and your child. Your husband will always be the father. It's up to him to see what kind of role model he will be. Don't put yourself in the position of 'saving' your husband even though you love him. You can assist in his therapy, but it has to come from him. 

Usually, BS's are in the position of fearing that their WS will leave them for another. In your case, he has no one to go to. Just an empty lifestyle which is nothing without you as an anchor. Realize that he needs help, a lot of help. But he needs to show humility, lots of it, for this to go ANYWHERE.

Again, get tested immediately. Most prostitutes have some kind of STD, and some can be transmitted through oral sex. Don't risk your health while you are reeling from this ordeal. 

If you feel the need to throw some things at him, do it. He deserves it. Seriously. 

Stay strong and keep posting.


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## Eminem (Jan 16, 2014)

Thank you all for your advice - it is helpful to hear all opinions, and has given me a couple of things to ponder that I hadn't already thought of.

I did get tested ASAP for STDs and thankfully everything was negative. 

I am currently feeling more pragmatic (with flashes of high emotion, obviously) and feel I need to really take my time here. I don't want to divorce him simply because I think that's what he deserves. He is a child of divorce himself, and if his behavior is a benchmark then I want to save my children from being that messed up. However, I also mustn't stay just because of what we once had, and because I'm scared of the prospect of being a single mother.

To add another little twist, we are expats here so very much alone in terms of family support. I am demanding that we move home in the next few months, but he is reluctant since he would have to get a new job which would probably mean a reduction in salary. He says he can't begin to contemplate moving if I'm not even going to try to give our relationship a go, but I've countered that I can't decide until we are back in the UK and on more familiar ground, and settled with a house etc...

My main worry is that I feel he still doesn't see the enormity of what he has done. He says he is sorry, remorseful, hates himself, knows he is an absolute idiot (in stronger terms) etc... But on the other hand he is constantly trying to see the positive in my actions and words, and keeps wondering how long we will be looking back rather than forwards. My frustrations with this, given it has been 7 weeks since my reality was shattered, are huge!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If he is remorseful and truly wants to change his ways, then he will move back with you without question. It can't be conditional on his part.

I suggest that you make your own decision on the move based on what is good for you. If he is sincere about reforming himself, and you are OK with giving him another chance, then he can move with you. Him wanting a guarantee of reconciliation before he agrees to move is akin to emotional blackmail, in my opinion.

And experts say that it takes 2-5 years for a BS to recover from the trauma of infidelity. Not 7 weeks. Naturally it is much more pleasant for him if you rugsweep it now, but you have to ask what is best for you. Rugsweeping is a recipe for PTSD down the road. Just read more threads here & you will see the pattern.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You are absolutely correct in your assessment. He doesn't get it.

I would pursue both divorce and reconciliation totally on your terms.

Move home.
He takes a lie detector test.
You talk to lawyers.
You see if he starts to get it.

If he won't do the work without some guarantee that you wont divorce him, divorce him. He is a selfish git who will cheat again.

Don't worry about your kids. They have you.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

PS 

Whatever allowed this to occur, job, friends, computer, accounts, hobbies, whatever... They are gone.

No secrets


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## TheCatfish (Jan 3, 2014)

One of the biggest problems with this country is prostitution prohibition. Yes it is illegal, therefore those who participate in it duck any laws and regulations. If it were legal, people who have a thing for that could visit a regulated shop and not have to worry about STDs. 

Unfortunately you have to deal with two major issues. The feeling of betrayal AND STDs. I think that's a horrible thing to have to deal with.

I used to have a thing for streetwalkers but I talked to my SO about that when we first started to see each other. She did make me realize that if I engaged in such activity I wasn't just putting myself at risk, I was putting her at risk, too.

When I met my SO I was not engaging in that activity BUT I was a "swinger" and suppose I will always be; however, I vowed to her that I would never put her at risk and valued my relationship over my sexual wants. It's not easy but I feel better about myself.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Yeah. Legalizing it would really make life better for everyone.

Not.

STDs can happen even with testing. Don't fool yourself.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Sorry to hear about your story. I can offer some practical advice. When you are emotionally ready, you can ask him if he subscribed to certain services that, for want of a better word, "pre-approve" Johns. If so, make him tell you which ones. Its possible to get a John blacklisted. That may involve you having to lie a bit and use some ingenuity, but you can figure that out once you learn how the seedy underworld works. He probably has a "pre-paid" cell phone that he uses, so check out for those type charges. Read, a website called "lettersfromjohns" which gives you their/his perspective. Not that you need to "understand" his perspective, but you need to know the crap that he is going to say so that you can get past that and get to the truth. Also, you may learn how *****mongers set up their deeds so that you can quickly identify when he is starting to slip back.
I do agree with an earlier poster, this sort of becomes an addiction for people. For some it's the power, for others it's the fantasy, etc. Either way, if he has several escorts, then it is probably more addiction based. If he settled on a regular, then he was trying to make it like an affair, but she only cared about the money and was willing to fool him to get his money. So take some comfort in the fact that while he was betraying you, they were mocking and using him.


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