# This is hard to admit but all true



## tryingbutfailing (Nov 19, 2017)

Hi to everyone who is reading this. It may not be many but at this point it's not like I have anywhere else to turn to or talk to. So thank you, by you just reading this it makes me feel validated and important to somebody. 

I am a 31 year old female who was married 3 years ago and have a 3 year old son. My husband and I have been together for going on 8 years though, living together and sharing our lives together for about 7 of those 8 years. 

For the past months and even years, I feel lost. Not only in my marriage but personally too. I think back to when I was younger and would live my life for only for myself, taking charge towards the things I desired and wanted in my life, confident, fun loving and light hearted. Today, I am just a shell of who I used to be. Just a person who is sitting here at Starbucks trying to hold back the tears of what her life has become today. 

Please don't get me wrong, I know so many others have it so much worse than I do. I have a healthy, smart and happy son, a wonderful job working with students who have special needs and parents who love me more than I ever knew until I became one myself. But, when the relationship that you are in makes you feel so lonely and obsolete, do any of those things really matter anymore? It doesn't feel like it. 

When my husband and I first met, I was fresh out of a year long relationship that was not my decision to end. I was so hurt due to a cheating boyfriend that I though was "the one" that when it all ended, I jumped into something else just to try and cover up the pain. Yes, I know first mistake number 1. Why not take the time heal? Because I am one of those who now admits that her self worth is defined by a relationship. He cheated, I am no good. Let me go find somebody else to make me feel better about myself because I clearly cannot. 

As things started to progress in the relationship (still early on) my parents were making a move to another state (me 24 at the time) and wanting to establish some kind of independence, I decided to stay here, where I live while they picked up and moved 2400 miles away taking my little sister along with them. Today I realize that I was trying to establish some kind of independence from my parents but still depending on the security of the man I was dating to help me feel better about myself. So hypocritical, I know. 

Things were okay the first year or so but then you see somebody really start to show you who they are. Part of me hide who I was though, thinking that if I showed him who I was, expressed how I really felt about situation then he would leave me just like my ex did. That is my fault and I admit that. I should have been me instead of giving him some kind of false impression of who I though he wanted me to be. Then things started to change for me a bit, I wanted to branch out of have an opinion that may differ from his and feel independent but when that happened I got comments like "You're being difficult. Why are things so challenging with you? Everything is your way or no way." I started to see a pattern of manipulation starting to form and I was falling for in the moment. It was not until now, that I can see the word games that he would play. I remember one time we were on a road trip, hundreds of miles from home and I apparently got too "sassy" with him and he pulled the car over quickly and said either I apologize or get out and find another ride home. I sat there in silence and then he said "You either apologize to me or get out." When he then reached around me and opened the passenger car door himself. Not only in that moment did I feel trapped but also that I was a child again. I was being forced into apologizing for something that I did not feel even warranted an apology. So, as you guessed it. I gave in and apologize, not once but over and over the whole day because he was silent and not even talking to me. 

Fast forward over the years to having the same multiple situations happen, and I am still there. At this point my confidence is gone. He dictates when we talk about disagreements, when they end, how much I get to talk (he always talks over me or walks out when it is my turn to talk). Why I stayed...I don't know. He's a sweet talker and knows how to butter you up words but his words do not match his actions. 

In February of 2014, I was at the point where I was ready to leave. The same week I had gone and visited apartments for my dog and I, I had found out that I was newly pregnant. I was heartbroken. There I was a 27 year old women who is living with her boyfriend who is able to spin things in his direction. I know that many of you might say that I wasn't stuck, but I was. I had no family close by, I was pregnant and feeling very much alone. My dependency for him just started all over again. That was around the time that I emotionally shut off. Due to the pressure of our families we went down to city all 28 days before my son was due and got married. I remember sitting in that court waiting room crying and shaking from nervousness, not out of joy, but rather knowing that my life was not where I wanted it to be and I had failed myself, my parents and my unborn son. But, I smiled and went on with life as if I was happy. If they only knew. 

One thing that I should mention is that my husband comes from a long history of divorce in his family. Me, not one person. I am not saying that this is the reasoning behind all of this but when you feel a certain amount of pressure even if it is never stated to stay married, to keep up that stigma and that feelings still tends to control most of your decisions. Another thing, my husband does not think it is important to get to know my family. He thinks he is trying by only speaking to them 1-3 times per year and that his introverted personality is a reason for him to keep his distance. For an example: My parents recently were coming into town, and when sharing that news with my husband he asked me to communicate with them that they need to stay in a hotel and that is what will be best for our family and it is a "we" decision. No, it was a him decision. He stated that if they don't stay in a hotel that he will leave for the week and he will stay in the hotel. His whole reasoning, families can get together during the day (which he stays at work for prolonged periods of time) but should go to their separate spaces at night. We have the space, so that wasn't it. We had the time so that wasn't it. No, his reasoning was that we are now two families and families have their own time and space. They wanted to stay with us for 3 nights. That's it. Think about that...what kind of conversation that was. How hurt they were, that all they wanted to do was spend time with their grandson over his 3rd birthday and we were putting obstacles in their way. I know that some in-laws and parents stay in other locations when visiting but my theory is this...my parents helped me get to where I am today by encourage me to achieve my dreams, paying for college and even my master's program. They shared their house with me then and continue to now...why would I not extend that offer? My dad was hurt, I have only seen him cry 2x in my life and when talking to him about them no longer being able to stay at our house...that was the 3rd. When sharing that with my husband, his response was thing..."Are you kidding me? He is just manipulating you to make you feel bad for them. That is what they do. They are terrible people." Just as a side note, my husband calls himself a devoting Christian. 

Again, this may seem to small compared to other problems but again it's been a history of mind games and control from his side. He wants to have another baby, I do too, but not with him. Not with anyone really right now. I want this baby to be with the right person. When I told him that I was not ready to introduce another innocent soul into our family at this time, his response was "Well if that is the case, then I will go find somebody else to have a baby with." That ruined me. I am so scared of tearing apart my family that I refuse to let myself be happy. 

The hardest part, he's a good dad. He is involved, loving and supportive. He doesn't talk to my son like he talks to me. I just wish he could expand that my way. 

I wish I could share everything. But I would write a series longer than Harry Potter if I did. Just know that this is only the tip of the iceburg just like everyone else's relationship that they are sharing with people on this site. 

I am tired of feeling unimportant, controlled and like a child. But breaking up my family is....devastating. 

I just don't know what to do at this point. I am lost, alone, and have no where to go. 

Sincerely...thank you.

TryingbutFailing

Sorry for the typo's. It's hard trying not bring attention to yourself in a public place due to tears streaming down your face and focusing on grammar as well.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Wow......Very well written and very honest. This could have been written by my ex, I suppose. She left me and this is probably what you need to do as well. I don't see your domestic situation changing for the better.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Goodness... 

Manipulation takes many forms... you are really seeing only the tip of the iceberg and he has shown you who he is and you believe it, nothing more to be said in that but it is not time to take steps that will be scary for sure.

It's time to love you and your son more... healthily.

Do you have the ability to reconnect with your parents, establish a base with their support, and relaunch yourself in a healthier environment?

Independence is wonderful but be humble in a loving place rather than the one you currently find yourself in because where you are isn't humble, it's abusive.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

OP your son is so young. If ever there was a time to leave it's now. Your son is going to be raised by this man either way but with you having your son half the time and exposing him to life away from his father he will grow up learning that the way your husband treats women is not normal. Your husband is cruel, controlling and has zero respect for you. That's everything you don't want your son to be.

You've gone to school, you can support yourself. You sound like an intelligent emotionally balanced person who will do fine on your own. I understand it can be very difficult to take that first step but you know in your bones this isn't right or good or healthy. For you or your son. 

I stayed for 25 years ( 3 kids ) in a similiar situation and can say I never knew what the right thing to do was during those years, I took my best guess but I was never quite certain that things were really as bad as I thought. I thought maybe the problem was me and life could have been worse. It wasn't me and life was so unhappy. You know the problem isn't you and you're miserable, run.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Do you still love this man? If so, then see if your church offers marital counseling. I'm suggesting your church because being a devout Christian (snicker), he may not put up as much resistance. If you don't, you still need to tell him that you have no intention of living this way for one more week let alone the rest of your life. Good luck.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Get some good marriage counselling. 

As it happens I agree with him on one thing. Whenever we visit family we always make sure we stay in our own place. Our choice for them and for us. We can see them during the day and we all have our own space to go home to in the evening. I have no idea why your dad cried over that, if they were with you all day what was the problem? I am guessing that the child was in bed early evening at that age anyway.


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## KaraBoo0723 (Oct 1, 2016)

Slartibartfast said:


> Here's what I know:
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> 
> 
> ...




Something in your post is triggering my fight-or-flight reaction, OP. Not sure exactly what but I am in 100% agreement with the above advice. Please be careful and keep you and your son safe.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

He is deranged and warping you terribly. Take careful measures to save your son and yourself.


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