# Suffering from a loveless marriage.



## kburns (Sep 15, 2014)

Hello everyone,

My husband and I have been married for over 10 years now, and this past year has been extremely hard for me to recover from, and I want to get a divorce. Before you read further I would like to point out that we have three young daughters (7, 4, 1) and I maintain a clean home, diet, lifestyle, and handle all of the children's needs. I have not let myself go, which I find it necessary to bring out, because many people think that that is a tolerable reason for someone to treat their spouse less than a person.

I'm not sure if this classifies him as an alcoholic or not, but my husband's tendency to drink at least 2 beers (almost always 6+) every night has been an issue since we had our first child. over the past 6 years, he slows down, but then, just as he is making progress he regresses back into the same old habit. When he is buzzed I find him repulsive. His touch, smell, mannerisms... it all upsets me. I would understand his relapses if I were drinking with him. but I don't drink with him at all. He hides his beer in his work van, and puts it in a cooler outside so I won't know he has it or how much he drinks. After over ten years together I know what he's like when he's been drinking, even if I don't see him with a beer or booze. If I ask him about it he yells at me in front of my children, family, friends, and anyone else that is around. I hate attention to be brought on me and he knows this, which is why he does it. Calling me a "b.tch" or some other equally insulting phrase. When I try to talk to him about it when he is sober he gets argumentative, then storms off outside. A minute later he comes back in and acts like nothing happened. Nothing is ever solved, just forgotten. He tells me he doesn't want to fight. This is every weekend for me. Needless to say, I hate all evenings and Friday. It's so ironic that the times that brought me so much pleasure as a kid make me sick to my stomach with anxiousness now.

Anyway, on to the past year's circumstances. Since summer 2013, after our third daughter was born, we have been extremely distant. When we would have sex, I always felt dirty and disgusted with myself. Last November my husband was in a car accident, not a bad one, and he kept making up things to get my sympathies. I refused to entertain his attempts to convince me that he was drinking a lot again because of the accident. In February 2014, I found out that he was having an emotional affair with a girl 10 years younger than him. He was going to leave me for her. When I asked him to leave, he begged me to forgive him. So I said that I would give him another chance. We decided we needed some fun time without the kids, but he thought it would be good for me to go out with my friends and him with his friends. His "guy's night," which happened to be with my dad and other relatives ended in the most insulting and embarrassing way. He over drank and started telling everyone at the bar that I was not as good as they thought, and I was a b.tch *****, etc. He hated going home because all I do is nag at him and I'm no fun. There was a lot more, but I think you get the point. I still went and picked him up at 1am. He yelled at me the rest of the night. Things started to get better after this, believe it or not, and at the end of March we celebrated our anniversary together. A week later, I found out that he was still talking to the girl he almost left me for. He was talking to her "guy's night out" and while he was out with me on our anniversary. He was actually texting her while we were talking. I packed my things and was ready to leave, but my two oldest daughter's were absolutely devastated when I told them we weren't going to see daddy for a little while. I fell back.

My husband has stopped all contact, as far as I know, with that girl, but now he has moved on to porn. He has replaced me with it, and always turns down my advances. He has lied to my face, looking me in the eyes, about it. I can never trust him. I don't know what to do. Just today I found out that he was looking it up again, and he denied it until he couldn't dispute the proof I presented. Now he wants us to go to counseling. I love him because we have children together, but I have no romantic feelings for him at all. He is not my friend, and all I've ever wanted was my husband to be my best friend. For us to love each other unconditionally, with no secrets, and I am absolutely crushed, heart and soul. Unfortunately, my daughters mean more to me than myself or he ever will. 

Please help. Should I try counseling or is it not worth my time?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Is this the relationship you want your children to have with their spouses? Because this is what you're setting them up for. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kburns (Sep 15, 2014)

No, I don't want this to be "normal" to them. I'm a stay at home mom right now and it has left me helpless. I get my degree in May, should I hold out for that or move sooner?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

kburns said:


> No, I don't want this to be "normal" to them. I'm a stay at home mom right now and it has left me helpless. I get my degree in May, should I hold out for that or move sooner?


Only you can decide that. I'd want to get out of that situation ASAP. But I don't know what's possible for you. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justaguy123 (Aug 20, 2014)

kburns said:


> No, I don't want this to be "normal" to them. I'm a stay at home mom right now and it has left me helpless. I get my degree in May, should I hold out for that or move sooner?


Get your degree first, and then plan for separation / divorce.

Very sorry to hear this. Best of luck.


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

Yes he is an alcoholic
He is/was cheating on you with this other women and thats probably just the one you know about.
He is emotionally abusive and hopefully not physically abusive.

Based on what you have told me you need to leave him, if not for you then for your children.

I would recommend waiting for the right time. If you get your degree in may and assuming it takes a few months to find a steady job i would plan on filing for divorce in about 1 year. They gives you time to save some money on the side for yourself to get a fresh start, along with lawyer fees, etc... This will also give you time to make copies of all paper work. if you dont already do the taxes and take care of the bills now is the time to start, the person who handles the finances typically always has an advantage when the divorce happens.

When it all goes down you will need your family more than ever. Assuming they can keep a secret I would inform them of your intentions, get them on board and keep them updated. If they are close you can move in with your parents or family member when it all happens, this will save on rent and make the kids feel more comfortable during the chaos.

Chances are your kids will be mad at you, this is a natural reaction. Unfortunately they dont understand how the real world works and someday, when they are older, usually in their 20s they will understand why you did what you did and forgive you.


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## COfan (Oct 4, 2012)

If he is wanting to go to counseling, then it sounds like he is willing to do some work to make the marriage work. You may have nothing to lose and everything to gain by trying marriage counseling. What can it hurt?


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## kburns (Sep 15, 2014)

Thank you all for your advice. It really helps to give me the courage to look realistically at my situation. 

I think counseling is a good place to start, regardless of whether or not we stay together. Someone that is unbiased, putting it in perspective may be what we both need. I'm definitely not making excuses for his actions or behavior, but I cannot claim to be completely innocent when it comes to our problems.


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