# Need Advice Please



## myNW (Mar 15, 2014)

I'm in a difficult spot and I would love to get some objective advice. To make a long story short things have been very bad for over a year now. It feels like I have tried everything I know how to do, including sacrificing my career to make things work and she has no interest in even commuting to a marriage with me. About a week ago she told me that "eventually" she wanted me to move out and that she was going to file for divorce. We have two little girls and that is the only thing making it hard. I told her that I couldn't keep living there if her mindset was that she was done and it was just a matter of time before she wanted me to leave. I should say that we don't own a house. We did but sold it to move closer to family (something I agreed to to try and fix things) so right now we are living in a house owned by her parents (they don't live with us, they have another house). If we owned the home I would have said "no I'm not leaving, if you want to separate you need to be the one to leave, however with it being her parents house and them not even charging us rent I didn't feel that was an option. 

So for the lady week I have been staying with my parents. Our daughters have stayed here with me a few of those nights which has helped. I have found a house to rent and basically just need to sign the lease to make it official. This is the hard part . Pulling the trigger and signing and then moving out has been so difficult. I have asked her three times in the last week if she would reconsider and she either days no or totally ignores it. However at the same time she seemed surprised when I told her I was planning on renting a house.

I don't want to move out (eventhough I have been miserable and she treats me horrible). I can't help but feel that even though she has backed me into this corner that I am walking out on my family. I can't imagine what it will do to my little girls who I love more than anything in this world. I have to make the decision on the house in the next couple of days, but like I said I am having a hard time actually pulling the trigger on it.

Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated . 

Thanks


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

It's hard to tell if her "surprise" over you telling her about the rental is one of relief or concern.

From the stuff she says, she seems to want you gone but it's not entirely clear if she's been dangling the carrot of MAYBE letting you move back.

Either way, you should DEFINITELY sign the lease,, ideally a 6 month one. That way, if she does want you gone, you're already gone and practicing for when she confirms it.

If she's dangling the carrot, by signing the lease you immediate disempower her from playing that game.

You need to get away from the "does she/doesn't she" mindset. Decide yourself that you'll be gone for the length of the lease and won't go back under ANY circumstances for at least 6 months. By then, you might be glad you made the break, you'll have 6 months of dealing with it under your belt, and you won't be a hostage to any indecision on her part.

You might not like it but, at least, that gives you control over you, and space to consider your options. It gives her space too, to make up her own mind if she hasn't already.

Your kids will be fine so long as you and your wife can be civil and not use them to manipulate one another. Talk to her about visitation - NOT about you moving back - to try to work out something you're both happy with, without spending money on lawyers that'd better be spent (invested) on them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You have to get out of the mindset of staying together for the girls. 

Children just need role models to learn from. 

Also being in an unstable household with your wife could affect them more negatively. 
The separation might have a beneficial result. 

It will give you time to focus on yourself, and help you get a better understanding of the situation. 

It could bring objectivity and that may help you see the big picture.

Also, if you end up separated, at least you'll have a head start. Be proactive, and not reactive. Being reactive means your off balanced.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Sorry you are here.

Might be time to tighten your belt and go on the offensive. My thought is get a lawyer, draft a separation agreement that is favorable to you including taking primary care for the girls and having your a-hole wife pay you child support, declare new financial arrangement whether it is her paying you support or you paying her nothing, etc.

Simultaneously, start working on yourself friend. Exercise, restart a social life, take a hobby, get some vanity. You need to start your journey to your new future.

Best of luck, you can thrive,
Stretch


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## Lynnie1981 (Nov 9, 2014)

Leave leave leave! Focus on yourself. Get some counseling, talk to family n friends. I'm so sorry to hear that you're on here. Take care of yourself.


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## Faithful123 (Oct 29, 2014)

Mynw it's hard to hear because you don't see it yet, but you need learn to respect yourself. Pull the trigger, sometimes that space allows you to see things more clearly. Take it from me, kids are resilient and will cope no matter what happens. Stop worrying about she is doing because you can't control that and start looking at what you are doing. Make positive changes, excercise, talk to friends and family, adopt the 180 for yourself. Stay strong, you will definitely be ok and so will your kids.


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## myNW (Mar 15, 2014)

I appreciate all the helpful words. Just a little update. I did sign the lease and I moved in today. It has in one way been a huge relief and in another way it has been heartbreaking. I just look back on what I thought things would be like for our family 3 years ago and that dream is now basically dead (I'm viewing this as a separation with hopes of someday working it out, however I don't think she views it that way. At the same time though I have almost forgotten what it feels like to come home and not feel that you are constantly being judged, criticized and made to feel like a totally worthless pile. 

Right now is the easy part because my kids are with me, the real test will be when they stay with her. I'm with a lot of you though, I'm going to take this opportunity to really work on myself without her negativity around and really enjoy the time with my girls.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Get a legal separation, and protect yourself from any debt she might incur.

Close all joint bank accounts, and credit cards.

There have been people on this site screwed this way. 

Detach and live your own life as if your not going to get back together.

Hope is a terrible plan, and people who get separated have a 20% chance of working things out.

Everyone likes to believe that their situation is unique.

On the days you don't have the children, go out with friends, find a way to improve your standard of living, via school, find new hobbies, and just find something that brings joy and fulfillment.

Be prepared for her dating.

This is a norm that you may have to accept.

Your only a couple on paper.

In her mind, your not together, because your not.

Your not meeting each other's needs, your not communicating like a couple.

Don't have a plan of hope.

Planning for hope is a terrible idea, because you can't control her actions.

Create a list of goals that will help you improve, and forge the man you want to become.

Relationships come and goes, and you should not change to fit anyone's mold.

You took a big step, most are indecisive for a long time.

They flutter in the wind clueless because they are in denial too long.


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