# mixed emotions - stay or go



## 1004sarang (Aug 8, 2012)

Hello - I am in need of some outside input/opinions ... here goes:

my husband and I have been married for almost 6 years - we met, my first year of college, and his first duty station (he's a soldier) and we hit it off from the beginning. We got married about six months after knowing each other (against our parents' wishes, because we loved each other so much)

shortly after we got married, I got pregnant with our first ... we've been through two deployments, had our second child, and got stationed two more times since we met.

Obviously every couple argues and deals with hardships, but it seems recently the fighting has escalated and I do not feel that he loves or appreciates me. I do not work at the moment and am going to school to finish my degree. I know that I am not perfect and I have flaws too that may aggravate him, but he does not tell me because he says he is not a very emotional person

I also feel that he takes priority in himself and partying and drinking, more than he does, spending time with his wife and children - this has been an ongoing issue and there is no reason that a married man needs to skip out on going home with his family, to drink more 

we are currently talking about a divorce and I thought that was what I wanted, because let's face it, who wants to be married to someone that disrespects them and doesn't show that they love them ?

I am having mixed emotions and feelings - I know that it's natural to have those types of thoughts but I don't know if divorce is what I REALLY want, or just the thought of losing him is daunting to me ... I don't know if he'll ever change (we've been through the same problem, where he has said he'll change or he promises to do/not do something anymore, and it always ends up in him doing it again)

I have two kids to think about and how their lives will be impacted from this decision - something I do not want to take lightly and I hope he does not either - in the end, if that's what he wants, because he wants to live a single life, then so be it I will get through it ... but I don't know if I should be the one to initiate the conversation about this issue - we both are so stubborn and prideful and both don't want to make any moves first ... I also don't want to let him think that he can get away with what he's doing

thank you ...


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

How old are the two of you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 1004sarang (Aug 8, 2012)

bluelaser said:


> How old are the two of you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We are both 24
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

Yea, I thought so 

A lot of couples that marry too young experience what you are going through. Its like you are competing with his "other activities" for attention. One problem on his end is that he isn't fully mature enough to balance family time with fun time. This improves over age when you realize that its important not to have an angry wife waiting for you at home 

The last statement on each off you waiting for the other to make the first move is another sign of immaturity. Don't give up so soon. Don't think you can coerce anyone in to becoming responsible. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 1004sarang (Aug 8, 2012)

bluelaser said:


> Yea, I thought so
> 
> A lot of couples that marry too young experience what you are going through. Its like you are competing with his "other activities" for attention. One problem on his end is that he isn't fully mature enough to balance family time with fun time. This improves over age when you realize that its important not to have an angry wife waiting for you at home
> 
> ...






yea I agree age does play a factor into it, but at the same time I feel like I have matured a lot quicker than he has, given that we are te same age and were exposed to the same type of situations/environments ... I've tried explaining to him how it would make him feel if roles were reversed but he brushes it off ... 

We've had so much history together, survived two deployments, I just can't believe it's gotten so bad so quickly - I need a man that will love and respect me and my kids and be INVOLVED in every aspect of this marriage, and just don't think he's into it ...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## July7 (Aug 8, 2012)

One thing that I have noticed in my own marriage is that it will have troubles if you do not have the same goals. Maybe you may want to sit down with him if you haven't already and talk about your goals. One of yours being that you want a marriage where drinking and partying aren't a factor. If it is for him than you may want to let him know very firmly where you stand on the issue. It would be sad if your marriage ended because he did not want to give up drinking and partying. =/


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The human brain does not finish developing until the age of 26. Both of you will be very different people when that time comes.

The divorce rate is very high for women who marry before the age of 25 and men who marry before the age of 30.

So what do you do now that the two of you are stuck in a marriage with two children?

I suggest that you seek out counseling to help you handle the situation you are in. With that you will have the help you need to decide what you want to do and to go through the changes.

Your choices right now is to stay where you are and keep doing what you are doing.

or... Stay where you are but you work on your education and doing the best you can under these circumstances. Learn to set boundaries. For example so sex with the dude unless you spends 15 hours a week with you. You both need 15 hours a week to grow your connection to each other.

or.. you file for divorce.

If you want to learn what boundaries you should be setting and how to have a healthy marriage, get the books linked to in my signature block before for building a passionate marriage.


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