# Big Deal



## gmsisko1 (May 25, 2014)

I just found out my Wife lied to me. She said the OM never c** in her mouth. I found some old messages that were not deleted to confirm this. 

(I have another thread here aswell)

It seems she has been truthfull about other details, but I can't be sure. I don't think I believe her at this point.

(Should I continue to try to read her old messages? Or should I stick to the new ones?)

(Though I think she just deleted everything old today)


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You only found out a couple of months ago, and this obsession with details is normal. But unfortunately it doesn't do much good for most BS's to find out every single miniscule detail.

You will NEVER know for 100% absolutely sure that she's been truthful. And from what I see in your other thread, the advice is pretty much unanimous that you shouldn't even be thinking about reconciliation with her.

What she's doing is called trickle truth, and I have a feeling there's a lot more to come.

BTW, have you been STD tested, and have you had your son DNA tested? I only skimmed your other thread so forgive me if you answered that already.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your situation. If you read enough threads here, there is a definite pattern that comes out.

The trickle truth is just one.

For sure you can't believe what your "wife" tells you.

If you don't believe anything she says/said - that is a good start.

See what her actions are towards making things right for you.

I have to say I don't remember your other threads but she is 100% to blame for the affair, maybe not 100% for the marriage issues but the affair for sure.

If she is not doing everything and "almost" anything to make things up to you and repair the damage (and by deleting old messages I don't think she is doing anything) you will not be able to make a good recovery from this.

Keep strong and good luck.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> You only found out a couple of months ago, and this obsession with details is normal. *But unfortunately it doesn't do much good for most BS's to find out every single miniscule detail.*
> 
> You will NEVER know for 100% absolutely sure that she's been truthful. And from what I see in your other thread, the advice is pretty much unanimous that you shouldn't even be thinking about reconciliation with her.
> 
> ...


Unless, of course, she's been lying about specific details. A betrayed spouse deserves to know what he or she is forgiving when even entertaining the notion of reconciliation. This is why we ask so many questions.

gmsisko1, I'm assuming that you're talking specifically about text messages that you've been able to retrieve from your wife's phone, or are you talking about e-mail, Facebook messages, etc ...?


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## gmsisko1 (May 25, 2014)

I was talking about old messages from Facebook messenger.
My mind goes on over drive, so I grabbed her iPod touch and started reading. 
She thought she deleted everything, but she overlooked some. 
I would feel a lot better if she told me this truth from the start, but I know she was trying to protect me. 
I make it worse on my self than it has to be by reading those messages, but if she told me the truth from the start, I would have at least mostly moved past that detail. 

I have been tested for STDs and all is good there. 
I think it is normal for me to obsess, but it is not good.

I love my wife, I'm sure if I divorced, I would not feel better.
I believe she is doing the right things.
I guess at this point I can't believe what she says.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Here is another problem with this, IMO. Nothing gets deleted and certainly at this stage nothing gets deleted. 

Your wife is just adding fuel to the fire.

It shows that she is not open and is not showing remorse.

When my wife finally repented and came clean the first thing she did when we got home (we were driving when she confessed and broke down), the first thing was she handed over her computer and said I am not hiding anything anymore.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

gmsisko1 said:


> I was talking about old messages from Facebook messenger.
> My mind goes on over drive, so I grabbed her iPod touch and started reading.
> She thought she deleted everything, but she overlooked some.
> I would feel a lot better if she told me this truth from the start, but I know she was trying to protect me.
> ...


Trickle truth and deleting stuff is not doing the right thing. That is why you are upset.

She is not showing remorse.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Have you confronted her w/ this new information yet? 

Either way, you should probably take the opportunity to back up all of her chats. Screenshots would probably be best. Once you do that, back everything up to a secure, offsite, cloud-based location. Think Dropbox, Google Drive, SugarSync, etc. You can also keep copies locally on a thumb drive, but keep it hidden.

I say all of this because infidelity matters in GA, at least w/ respect to the division of assets in a divorce. And, whether you (currently) want to divorce or not, you should be prepared for it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Something to keep in mind...



Machiavelli said:


> From the lawyer interwebs:
> 
> If you can convince a judge that your spouse had both the opportunity and the desire to commit adultery, it can impact all areas of your divorce, including custody, equitable distribution of property and spousal support. If her infidelity causes your divorce, she is not eligible to receive alimony in Georgia. If she subjects your children to the presence of her paramour, this can affect a judge’s decisions regarding custody. If she drains marital funds or assets to shower gifts on her lover or to travel to meet up with him, you may receive a disproportionately high share of marital property to make up for the portion of that money that was rightfully yours.


And this as well...



GusPolinski said:


> The idea that Christians are called to forgive an affront w/o addressing the underlying issues behind said affront is nothing short of incorrect, foolish, and cowardly.
> 
> Also, forgiveness and divorce are not mutually exclusive; you can forgive, and then divorce, or (what I'd expect to be more common) vice versa.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

gmsisko1 said:


> I just found out my Wife lied to me. She said the OM never c** in her mouth. I found some old messages that were not deleted to confirm this.


You found messages confirming he shot off in her mouth??! What the heck did they have to say about it I wonder.. "you're really good you didn't spill a drop"? 

It's almost worse, isn't it.. if a wife has an affair and lets the guy blow his load in her mouth as compared to screwing her. 

Something about her being subservient to another guy. "Accepting his seed" so to speak.

And then every time you kiss her..?

I couldn't imagine anyone sticking around after hearing that.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Oh, and this...


bigfoot said:


> GM, here is some information, not advice, but information. I know religion like you would not believe. You are hiding behind selected portions because you don't want to make an unpleasant decision. I get that. Jesus said you could divorce for infidelity. It's in the red letter portion. (those that know bibles will get that joke) Forgiveness and divorce are not opposites. Divorce is not a punishment, it is a result. You can love her, forgive her, and divorce her at the same time. So please stop with that line of religious rug sweeping. (okay, that last part was advice)
> 
> Next, I think that you should continue on your chosen path. So many men before you, with similar situations, have embarked on this quest. Your wife is different, just like theirs were. Your love is different, just like theirs was. You believe God spoke to you, just like many of them did. It is the path that many must walk. IT is the school of hard knocks.
> 
> ...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

And (last one, promise) this...



badmemory said:


> For full disclosure, I'm not a religious person. But whenever I read a story like this, where a BS won't divorce a serial cheater due to their Christian Faith; I'm reminded of a short parable another poster once presented - and I'm paraphrasing.
> 
> 
> _A man is standing on top of his roof due to a terrible flood. The water is getting higher. Another couple comes by in a boat to offer to rescue him. The man refuses and says - don't worry, God will take care of me.
> ...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Oh, and by the way...

*ORDER A PATERNITY TEST FOR YOUR KID!!!*

ETA: ^This, by the way, is my not-so-subtle way of telling you that I've read through your other thread.


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## gmsisko1 (May 25, 2014)

Thanks guys,
I took physical pictures of the newly discovered messages, and I have many pictures of the messages discovered a few weeks ago. 

They are backed up in multiple places, including email accounts.
I also have them on my phone and tablet, and she never tried to delete them. 

Do I really want to know about the sexual details? (more than I already know) 
I mean part of me wants to know, but I know I would obsess and lose more sleep over those details. 

I thinkii already have everything, and if I look and they were deleted, I would have some relief, because it would just open up old but still fresh wounds.

Our therapist said I should not look, and she should not share any more details about the sexual stuff. 

The thought of seeing my wife like that still makes me disk.
She says she loves me, and always has, and I know I made some big mistakes in our marriage, but the adultry is all her fault, and she told me this. 

I have more than enough evidence for court, if I decide to do that,
We have been intimate since D day, I am told that matters, but it shouldn't 
We have a 4 year old boy, and I am more than 90% sure he is mine.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> Oh, and by the way...
> 
> *ORDER A PATERNITY TEST FOR YOUR KID!!!*
> 
> ETA: ^This, by the way, is my not-so-subtle way of telling you that I've read through your other thread.


I was wondering why he just ignored me when I brought that up



gmsisko1 said:


> T
> We have a 4 year old boy, and I am more than 90% sure he is mine.


Dude, just read what you wrote there again. Out loud.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

gmsisko1 said:


> The thought of seeing my wife like that still makes me disk.
> She says she loves me, and always has


I read your other thread.

She screwed 3 different guys over a period of at least 3 yrs, the last one didn't end until last month, only AFTER she got caught, isn't that right?

Not sure what her definition of "love" is but it sure is subject to challenge.



gmsisko1 said:


> We have a 4 year old boy, and I am more than 90% sure he is mine.


She very easily could have been banging some other guy 4 yrs ago and you know this.

What makes you 90% sure he's yours, besides you WANTING to believe this?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Can you live w/ that last 10%? What if you never have any other children? When you get to your 60's or 70's, will you be able to live w/ not knowing whether or not the child that you'd spent your entire life loving, nurturing, and providing for was actually your biological offspring?

Sorry, it's not my intent to be overly harsh. I'm just trying to get you to accept the notion that a) it's possible that your wife is lying to you about (at least) one other affair and b) that your son may have been conceived as a result of that affair.

Sorry, but I'd have to know, and 90% wouldn't cut it. Not for me.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Here is another problem with this, IMO. Nothing gets deleted and certainly at this stage nothing gets deleted.
> 
> Your wife is just adding fuel to the fire.
> 
> ...


And I echo this thought.

If a person is genuinely remorseful, complete transparency and honesty has to take place. Otherwise, why even bother?


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## gmsisko1 (May 25, 2014)

I know my wife was with me every night during the time my son was conceived. I know we had sex while she was fertile. I know my son looks just like me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I never wanted any details. At all.

Just knowing I'd been betrayed was enough, to be quite honest.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

gmsisko1 said:


> I know my wife was with me every night during the time my son was conceived. I know we had sex while she was fertile. I know my son looks just like me.


My daughter is told ALL THE TIME how much she looks like her stepfather.

You admit you are not 100% sure. Why do you refuse to be 100% sure? If you're that sure, you should WANT a dna test, no?


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## gmsisko1 (May 25, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> I never wanted any details. At all.
> 
> Just knowing I'd been betrayed was enough, to be quite honest.




I which I didn't look for details. I was also looking to see if she was planing to leave me, or talking bad about me. 
But if she were honest about those details, I would be 1 step better right now. 

I just need the mind movies and obesession tomstop in my mind.


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## gmsisko1 (May 25, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> My daughter is told ALL THE TIME how much she looks like her stepfather.
> 
> You admit you are not 100% sure. Why do you refuse to be 100% sure? If you're that sure, you should WANT a dna test, no?



I'll make that my next order of business. Thank you


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

gmsisko1 said:


> I'll make that my next order of business. Thank you


They are so cheap now you have no reason not to.


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## gmsisko1 (May 25, 2014)

Any idea how much they are, and where to get one?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

gmsisko1 said:


> Any idea how much they are, and where to get one?


Try walmart, walgreens cvs.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

gmsisko1 said:


> I was talking about old messages from Facebook messenger.
> My mind goes on over drive, so I grabbed her iPod touch and started reading.
> She thought she deleted everything, but she overlooked some.
> I would feel a lot better if she told me this truth from the start, but I know she was trying to protect me.
> ...


My husband only admitted to things as I found them out. Finally I got tired of looking for things to find out the truth. So I told him that since he obviously would never tell me the whole truth I had to rely on my own intuition. My intuition told me that he did any and everything sexually possible with the OWen. So I would go forward with that belief. He did not deny that my intuition was right. It set me free because I no longer had to spend energy on snooping for past things. 

I did keep up things like the keylogger on his computer that was a requirement for recovery.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You can order paternity tests online as well. Spend a few minutes on google and you will have several results. I used gtldna you can also but kits at most drug stores. 

Should cost right around a hundred bucks. It is easy painless and private. Your ww does not need to participate. 

You say she is doing everything right but she is still TT and deleting messages to cover her arse. 

Your counselors advice meh to each their own I suppose. That approach would not work for me. If it does for you guys then great. Don't be afraid to fire your therapist and find another if you need to. 

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> My daughter is told ALL THE TIME how much she looks like her stepfather.
> 
> You admit you are not 100% sure. Why do you refuse to be 100% sure? If you're that sure, you should WANT a dna test, no?


People are always saying they can see the likeness between me and my eldest and yet he was my wifes child from a previous relationship.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> My husband only admitted to things as I found them out. Finally I got tired of looking for things to find out the truth. So I told him that since he obviously would never tell me the whole truth I had to rely on my own intuition. My intuition told me that he did any and everything sexually possible with the OWen. So I would go forward with that belief. He did not deny that my intuition was right. It set me free because I no longer had to spend energy on snooping for past things.
> 
> I did keep up things like the keylogger on his computer that was a requirement for recovery.


Yep, that's kind of what I've done. Since you know you are only going to get portions of truth just assume the worst and make your decisions based on that assumption. If in so doing you are assuming things that in fact are not true, this is the price your WS pays for TT and deceit.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Man, how many times does she need to deceive you before you say, "I've had enough".

If your in this marriage for your kid then you better realize that you kid is in a real dysfunctional home. 

Why you want to stay in a marriage when you have to sleep with one eye open is beyond me. Unload the woman, move on and find someone better. You can't do worse.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

ok did you just say she didnt give me the details to try and protect you??????????????????? holy crap man wake up she didnt give you the details to protect HERSELF!


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

gmsisko1 said:


> I believe she is doing the right things.
> I guess at this point I can't believe what she says.


If she is still deleting things then she is not doing the right thing! She continues to lie to you by not giving you the details you requested. Tell me something: how has she paid for the "crime" of her affair? Has she felt the same pain as you yet?


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I would move on, OP... I know that is not what you want to hear... but multiple As means she is not likely to change. She is internally broken, and no matter how much you love her, you cannot fix her.


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## gmsisko1 (May 25, 2014)

The Middleman said:


> If she is still deleting things then she is not doing the right thing! She continues to lie to you by not giving you the details you requested. Tell me something: how has she paid for the "crime" of her affair? Has she felt the same pain as you yet?



She has felt pain, I know that for sure. There is no way she could feel the same pain as I am. 

I know it's not fair, I was working my ass of to support her and our kid, and she as screwing other guys. 

I think the therapist is correct in saying that I should not get any more sexual details, that only makes my frame of mind worse.

I must admit, there were some problems in the marriage before the affairs. (Problems on my end that I have worked to fix)

(No I'm not trying to rug seep, just being honest.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

What you do and don't need to know is up to you. If you feel that you need to know everything, then your wife needs to be forthcoming. If, on the other hand, you feel that you'd rather not or shouldn't know more, that's fine too. Either way, don't let the therapist drive that discussion, as it's your decision -- and yours alone -- to make.

Also, regardless of how you feel now, you might change your mind at some point in the future, and both the therapist and your wife should be aware of this, as well as accept it. In other words, you should reserve the right to ask any and all reasonable questions that come to mind at any point in the future, and to expect truthful answers in response to them. This is just common sense.

Knowing or not knowing more about the past won't change the fact that it happened, _but knowing all that there is to know about it means fully understanding what you're being asked to forgive_.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

She was not trying to spare your feelings, She was worried about her image and what you might do if you found out. If she carried about your feeling she would have never let him in her mouth or between her legs

I am being crude I know but I want you to understand she still cares more about her then you


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Three guys? Should be game over. You'll either find her in another affair in the future or that there were more than just 3 guys in her cheating past.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

What I think is that when the simple sight of her makes you nauseous, then you'll know you have healed. Rather than obsess about sexual details it would be better to obsess about what degenerate human being she is.


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## sammy7111 (Apr 19, 2014)

You need to end it it's not going to work for you you can tell you'll never truly get over it and that's ok because you cant forget something like this and it sounds like you can't never truly forgive her. Which that's ok to because it's not your fault she cheated
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

gmsisko1 said:


> I was talking about old messages from Facebook messenger.
> My mind goes on over drive, so I grabbed her iPod touch and started reading.
> She thought she deleted everything, but she overlooked some.
> I would feel a lot better if she told me this truth from the start, but I know she was trying to protect me.
> ...


I'm not pro divorce but what you are doing there is classic rugsweeping.

She's trickle truthing and deleting messages- To you that's protecting you from the truth.
She's deleting messages and trickle truthing-To you she's doing all the right things
You can't even stand the thought of divorce because you're sure you would not feel better...a question, two or three years down the line if she were to do it again would you feel better or worse than you feel now?

You're telling yourself obsession with getting the total truth is somehow bad. Had your wife been honest you wouldn't need to resort to this.

Deception is deception. It's not to protect you, it's to protect her. Being sorry means acknowledging what you have done and confronting the issues so she can work on a better marriage and affair proof it in the future.

You're not healing and she's minimizing so she can resume life as it was. You will be back here singing a sad song sooner rather than later.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Google serial cheater. I can't remember but one in three years here that has stayed faithful.


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## gmsisko1 (May 25, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Three guys? Should be game over. You'll either find her in another affair in the future or that there were more than just 3 guys in her cheating past.


Well, I only found out about one. She told me about the other 2 willingly on her own. She didn't have to do that.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

*Re: Re: Big Deal*



gmsisko1 said:


> Well, I only found out about one. She told me about the other 2 willingly on her own. She didn't have to do that.


Nor did she have to do any of it... she chose to. That doesn't make it better or right though, does it?


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

OP, I'd go for the paternity test too as you can't always go on the child's appearance. Especially when you're saying you're only 90% sure he's yours. If I were a man/father, I wouldn't want that 10% as a question mark in my mind the rest of my life. 

There's no question as to my own paternity but I do not strongly resemble either one of my parents. The only obvious trait I seem to share with my mom is that we're both short, and shorter than my dad who was 6' tall. My mom and I do share a couple of the same health issues which are passed on genetically. I don't look like my dad at all and in fact, I look quite a bit like his much younger brother, my uncle :scratchhead:. In fact, my uncle and I look so much alike it's a running family joke about who my dad "really is." My uncle and my dad also looked nothing alike.

Thing is, my uncle was a little kid when I was born and there's NO possible way he could have fathered me or anyone else at that time. 

I have three adult children; my oldest is from my first marriage and the younger two are from my current marriage to my WS. My oldest, by far, resembles her stepfather more than our other two do, the two kids we had together. WS is bi-racial so that makes it even more surprising my daughter looks so much like him. People mention their "striking resemblance" all the time. One of our sons looks mostly like his dad and the other one looks like a taller version of me. 

I hope you do intend to get that other 10% question answered rather than relying on outward appearance. You deserve to know even if the results have no impact on your continued relationship with your son.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

gmsisko1 said:


> Well, I only found out about one. She told me about the other 2 willingly on her own. She didn't have to do that.


Wow three I missed that. So you catch her about one, she lies about oral sex, then she confesses to two more other guys.

I am always a big fan of R but not in this case. I would file for D get into IC to discover why I am willing to roll over on this kind of crap


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

gmsisko1 said:


> Well, I only found out about one. She told me about the other 2 willingly on her own. She didn't have to do that.


Are you sure there are not more? 

How would she feel if the roles were reversed? 

It would be helpful for her to write you a timeline of all three affairs.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Three guys? No. It was more than that.

And letting the last guy finish in her mouth? Please. 

You married a porn actress/serial cheater. She may lay low until you are off her back but she will start up again after a while. There is no fixing her type. She is completely amoral and loves what she does, regardless of all the fake tears she cries for you and the counselor. 

Get out before you go mad and she sucks out every ounce of your spirit.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

She confesses and also lied at the same time, it seems?


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