# Still don't know what to do, stay or go



## superstang (Dec 27, 2009)

I had to walk the fine line with my wife earlier this year as she found an ex from her past. Here is the history so you know what I'm dealing with.

We have know each other for ten years and have been together the last four years, married since last year. My wife was married before when she was in the navy. She got pregnant and discharged, the guy got stationed over seas and never came back. So i came into the picture two years later and became dad, the only father "our" son knows. 

Things have not been the best between us the last three years as she has slowly lost her desire to be interment with me. When we our interment she is satisfied multiple times. I thought the standard things jobs, kid, money, family.

In the summer I went on a camping trip with just the guys and when I got back things started to get weird. It took a month until I noticed something started to go wrong. She told me she found an ex boy friend that she had ten years earlier on myspace. They started talking via email for the past month, and then they went to dinner. She told me they kissed before going their separate ways (that news hurt so much). My wife did not want to stop talking with the ex, she never ended that relationship. She got knocked up with him after being with him for six months then he diapered and she got an abortion. 

I insisted at that time they stop talking and seeing each other to prevent anything else from happening. That lasted a week before I found her new myspace account. Our counselor agreed with me that I was walking a tight rope and that they would help convince her that an emotional affair leads to bad things. In September she told me she got closure and that she was helping him ex get a girlfriend. 

Fast forward to the beginning of December, I still had a bad thoughts in the back of my mind about the ex. I checked her phone and found a loving text to her ex bf. I called her out that night and she did tell she cheated on my. After talking with the counselor and more in private I found out she stopped the the sex with the ex just after they started.

There are two reasons she is getting a second chance from me. The first is now I'm dad and loving it (and her family tells me they could not ask for a better dad). The second is I still love my wife for the most part. We found out right before she cheated that she was bipolar and started the new meds right before the mistake.

I love being dad to my wife's sons, he means the world to me. I still love my wife and I will no mater what. Any advice will help. Here was her post on the website after I found out about the kiss its long as well but gives more info http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/6960-complicated-like-everyone-else.html


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## superstang (Dec 27, 2009)

She typed up that post after I suggested this site. I found it the next day and was very upset.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Your wife doesn't sound stable. Are you sure you want to continue to live like this? It's obvious you are already in counseling. What does the therapist have to say? It's hard to have a marriage without trust.


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## 13lissy (Nov 8, 2009)

After reading what she posted and what you posted I can only think of a few things to say that would be productive to your situation.

1. Her contact with her ex came because of lack of closure and because she felt alone in the marriage, that doesn't justify what she has done it just means that she needs to commit herself to stop all contact. You can't make this decision for her, only she can decide this. She has to say it outloud and in writing.

2. Please understand that you can be a father without being a husband, with today's society, if the father is financially secure and a mentally stable, they usually get custody of the kids. I know you don't want to hear this but if your wife continues this behavior, you need to separate her from the children because they are important and should be a priority. 

3. You need to set boundaries! they are important to any relationship, your lack of boundaries in the relationship is the reason why you are letting her get away with her behavior. She is causing you emotional damage, you need to put your foot down.

4. Do not be passive in the relationship, be assertive, confident, and charming. Show her what type of husband she married, show her that she chose to marry you for a reason! You need to be an Alpha male, someone she can look up to and be proud that she is with.


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