# new here...HELP PLEASE..from a guys point of view



## scaredstiff77 (Aug 12, 2008)

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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

You are never going to get this guy, so anything you do will only prolong your bitter-sweet agony. By telling his wife, you would only be inflicting pain for your own amusement. You won't be helping her. Why add to the number of sad people in the world?

Perhaps your husband deserves better. Perhaps that better person could be you. He was ignorant of the folly of moving you to a new country without any support network, so what you did is understandable, but some of the things you are planing sound immature and spiteful. Perhaps you should make up your mind as to whether you really love your husband. And if not, you can always set him free.

If you do separate, you still won't get the other guy. If I were him, and you told my wife, I would never trust you again. End of story.

There are plenty more fish in the sea, so if you decide to leave your husband, you can find a new guy, who is not already married.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Your affair has screwed up two marriages. Cut all ties with TOM and never contact him again. Your husband is giving you one last chance. Take it and work on your marriage. I don’t see anything in your post that indicates your husband deserves to be treated this way.


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## scaredstiff77 (Aug 12, 2008)

Thank you for your advice..I know how completely in the wrong i was and I am NEVER making excuses for what I did..but I have found it so hard to cope here since coming here, I got addicted to the attention and it made me feel good. My H is a good man and I hate myself every day, so I know I have to make up my mind. You're right I will probably never get the other guy, he will never leave her and I have thought that if he can cheat on her, he will on me. My last question is to try and get over this:

Do you believe it's possible to love 2 people at once? Do guys that cheat and love women just use them for sex or can it be real love? he said he really loves me.and one minute says things are great with the wife..next they are not...I feel like he is always screwing my head around and even if I don't end up married (which I hope to god I can save) I don't think he would be the right guy for me..


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree:

TOM is married, had an affair with you and there were other women? He sounds like a total player, IMHO. And to flip-flop between being with you and wanting to end it, it does sound as though he wants some excitement on the side but clearly not mature enough for a monogamous relationship, unfortunately for his wife.

If it's the excitement you crave, look within your marriage for that. If you put your effort there, you will probably stop thinking about TOM and your husband deserves 100% of you romantically.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

scaredstiff77 said:


> Do you believe it's possible to love 2 people at once? Do guys that cheat and love women just use them for sex or can it be real love?


I think it's possible, but in this case how would that be a good thing either way:

1) He's really in love with his wife, but using you for sex.
2) He is in love with both of you and will not choose just one of you.

Either way, it's all about him and what he wants and even if you were with him, would it be enough for him or would he always be looking?

If things do not work out with your husband, I would definitely stay clear of this guy and be on your own for a while. That being said, your husband sounds like a good catch so I hope you can work things out.


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## scaredstiff77 (Aug 12, 2008)

Swedish..I do believe in my heart the other guy would always be looking..he is not the type to resist a good looking woman...he gave in pretty easily to me even though he kept protesting..i guess that says it all. I really want to work things out with my H..I do love the man dearly..I screwed up...I must be a strong woman now to put this other guy behind me or be alone...the latter is not my favoured option but every day i hate myself for hurting my H..he is a good man and never cheated or hurt me in any way. I know you probably all think i'm a B**** but I've had a lot of problems since moving here and I didn't know how to cope. Now is the time to start rebuilding my life. Thank you so much for your help..I will keep up to date with how I'm going...


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## Triton (Jul 8, 2008)

SS77 , What the ? You know you screwed up " Big Time " , and you were still up to No Good ! Your H agreed to let ya back -most guys would have seen this as a ticket to ride - "Oh, well she cheated-now I'm free ". Plus, I did not hear anything about kids either. But -Hey if your husband likes it- you love it !


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## scaredstiff77 (Aug 12, 2008)

Triton..I KNOW i screwed up...I'm screwed up..please don't bash me on here..I came here for some help..I've had some help and I'm taking it on board. Please don't judge me...until you know my whole story. We don't have kids, we don't want any...I'm trying to stop the pain for both of us and decide. yes I screwed up again...I'm deeply confused and trying to sort things out..


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

scaredstiff77 said:


> Do you believe it's possible to love 2 people at once? Do guys that cheat and love women just use them for sex or can it be real love? he said he really loves me.and one minute says things are great with the wife..next they are not...I feel like he is always screwing my head around and even if I don't end up married (which I hope to god I can save) I don't think he would be the right guy for me..


If your husband and his wife agreed to this arrangement, with some types, it could actually work. But usually someone gets hurt.

But doing it behind everyone's back is not love, it's deceit. It's cheating. Like playing cards, and having a TV camera on the other guy's deck.

As swedish says, he's a player. I bet he's cute too, and a charmer. He needs to be to get away with it. 

Imagine a hypothetical future, where you marry him, and 2 years later, surprise surprise, you catch him cheating on you! Will you, let him off, or turn a blind eye, or just give him hell? 

If you still quite like your husband, give him some wild sex, and make him the outlet for your exotic fantasies.


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## scaredstiff77 (Aug 12, 2008)

marktwain...yeah there is no way we can be friends..the temptation is too great and if his wife knew she wouldnt' want it either and my H certainly won't allow that and nor should he. That was just me trying to hang on to him...

yes he's very attractive and charming and knows all the right things to say...he was a self admitted A**hole and player but reckons his time in Iraq has changed him and he wants to be a better man like my H!!

If we were to pretend the hypothetical future and he cheated..I'm not sure what i would do...I'm so low in myself that I woudl prob turn a blind eye or let him off so as not to lose him or maybe I would give him hell...either way I know I could not emotional handle it.

I really do want to make things work with my H...I know it starts with getting rid of him...thats where I struggle but I'm out of chances I know..so I need to stop and imagine for a while life without my H and hopefully that will be what I need to shake myself up. Thank you.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

The way you are treating your husband is appalling, quite frankly.

You keep thinking of that other man even as you tell your husband you have not cheated more. Plus, you lied about not having sex with him again.

You are confused, worrying about whether or not the guy you cheated with is a player?

Hello? YOU are the player. 

Your husband does not deserve this behavior.

If you want to retrieve any shred of dignity you have to change, honor your marriage vows. if you cannot do that, then set your husband free.

BTW, no matter what you do, that guy you cheated on is a player too so stop fooling yourself that there is "love" between you two. You are tossing away a good thing for something far more tawdry than you admit to yourself.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Honey, forget about the "love" you feel for this other guy. This is not love, it's infatuation. Love does not take, it gives. I'm sorry to cheapen it for you, but it's crazy to keep using the wrong word. I know what infatuation can be like, it's so powerful, it's like an addiction.

Tell me something. Do you still fancy your husband, physically?


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## scaredstiff77 (Aug 12, 2008)

well my H used to be overweight and now he looks great..he goes to the gym every day and does weights and cardio..he's dropped 3 clothes sizes so he looks wonderful. he even looks better than the other guy who is overweight (slightly)..that's why I don't understand why I feel like this. My H tries very hard to please me in the bedroom and it was working...but a lot of times I think about the other guy when i'm with my H and I try not do that because I really do find my H attractive. I think the problem is I feel pretty worthless next to my H..I've only just got my work permit to work here and I was so lonely (stll am but have a few friends now) that I just got addicted to this man, yes it's extremely powerful and you're right it's not love, I bet if I moved in with this guy I would find its not love..it's the sex..he's great in bed and he knows it. the prob with my H is he always thinks he is right and it gets annoying..little things like that have pushed me away, do you know what I mean? I've even thought of suicide over this, I feel that torn in half and bad but that's not the answer either is it?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Of course suicide is not the answer. 

what is the answer is for you to get your head on straight about life, marriage, your personal happiness, and how to achieve it.

Coming her eis a good first step.

I think you really could use the services of a professional counselor to help you.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I used to be addicted to the high of sexual attraction. I had to change my entire state of mind. I had to find out why I was addicted to this high and what are other ways i could can satisfy it. For me dropping the high was really hard. i had one guy in particular who i was extremely attracted to. but i see my addiction almost like an alcohol addiction. its great in the moment but potentially live threatening over time. so i had to start doing things i felt were healthy for me. i think you should take some time to meditate and clue in to how you are feeling. you are feeling suicidal, you know that much. you have to wonder why you would continually focus on something that is making you ill. why has this person become that important to you? 

If it is because you are in another country and you are lonely so this 'high' has covered up your isolation, you have to ask yourself, did it work? is that what you are so afraid of going back to? being lonely and isolated? was that worse then this?

I think about having an affair sometimes but then i realize that this is the end result. just turmoil and regrets. If you feel like you are standing in the middle, torn between the two, then maybe take yourself out of both situations and just focus on what you need right now to feel healthy again.


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## scaredstiff77 (Aug 12, 2008)

ljtseng..I think you hit on something..yeah he covered up my isolation for a while..and since coming here I've worked my a** off at the gym too and I do look great now, I even got accepted by a model agency here and I sometimes think I used that because that's all I had, I felt completley low because I didn't feel "equal" to my H. My H actually encourages me to return to work if i want to, pursue the modelling or whatever I choose, he just wants me to be a stronger, more in control woman. I think the other guy is well practiced in playing and sniffed out my vulnerability and used that and I am no innocent party I know, but I let it happen cuz it felt good and exciting but it doesn't feel that way now. I feel completely wrecked and I have to pull of some sort of a miracle and find the strength in myself to pull away from this man and decide to fix things with my H as he does not deserve this, I know. Its quite amazing how an addiction can take control, I only ever thought addictions could be in the form of alcohol, drugs etc..not this. I did seek counselling, he was horrible, I might look into finiding another one and finding out what the underlying reasons are that helped me get into this. Thanks for your post.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Ya you definitely have to find the strength to pull away from this guy. whenever i had the temptation to even write to the guy i was really attracted to i would try and ask myself why i am doing it. Generally its because i want to feel good. but feeling good and feeling happy are two totally different things. i had to start really listening to how i was feeling and start asking myself what i really wanted. If it is to feel happy and at peace with yourself, then you know this is not the road to go down. you know you dont feel good about yourself. you might even hate yourself a little. but just remember it is an addiction like anything else. its not something to be shunned because its 'bad' or 'evil.' if you lock it up in a box and try to hide it then you'll always be at risk of falling back on it when you are low again. Understanding why you do it and reminding yourself of what you really want for yourself are the most important things. 

also i read a really good book called The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav that helped me a lot.


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## scaredstiff77 (Aug 12, 2008)

Thank you ljtseng..I had tried to lock it up put it in a box and forget about it...but it ate me away and I never really stopped and thought what led me to this. I know deep down he is not the man for me..my H is...he just gave me some excitement, compliments, what I needed to hear when I needed it, but then I became attached badly and it started to spiral downwards from there. I honestly imagined a future with this man..I felt he was my soulmate and it's just not true..I was seeing everything with rose coloured glasses and its time to take them off and see things for what they really are and I take responsibility for my actions..one of the first things I need to do is stop thinking about revenge on him..Its up to him if he wants to be a big enough man to tell his wife but it's something he will have to live with. As painful as it was I'm glad I told my H..I hated what it did to him but I wanted to start being honest. I know I did the wrong thing again last week..but i'm not a bad person..i'm just someone who is screwed up and needed some help and I started it with everyones help on here. I know I CAN DO THIS..I HAVE TO..in order for me and my H to be happy.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

scaredstiff77 said:


> but i'm not a bad person..i'm just someone who is screwed up


Definitely remember this. im very open with my H about my inclination to cheat. I dont feel it makes me a bad person, just another person with another problem. sometimes i really miss the high from attention and the sexual tension from other guys. but then i go into all the psycho babble of why i want that, what is it that i really want, what it will do to me, my H, and yada, yada. 



scaredstiff77 said:


> one of the first things I need to do is stop thinking about revenge on him.


Ya, im working on that one now. i want revenge on my H. Trying not to do that. Let me know if you figure that one out. 

Taking of the rose colored classes is daunting. I used to think that i loved the attention, it was so much fun, i loved going out, but when i really thought about it i was miserable. Its like eating junk food. Its soooo good at first but then you're sick and you still want more. You get sick to your stomach and dont know what you want anymore. That first piece of broccoli is pretty unbearable. 

Dr.Phil says if you try and drop one behavior you have to replace it with something else. Believe me your H is not going to replace this. For me I'm all about roller coasters now. Love em. I'm getting into sky diving too. Its kind of the same thrill.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

You seem to imply that you fantasize about the other guy when you're in bed with H. The best thing to do if this is the case is to make up "faceless" guys to fantasise about, if that's what gets you off.

My wife told me she got a huge boost by reading an article entitled "This is not my husband". I can't remember the details, but by fantasising that her husband was not himself, but someone fresh and exciting, everything became very hot.

I have no idea what is going on in my wife's head when we are in bed, but I can tell from her responses, that it's X rated! And frankly I don't care. I would not dream of telling her, "you must only think of me".

Surpressing your fantasy machine will only dull your sex life. Better to replace thoughts of TOM with some fictitious guy, in whatever exotic situation that lights your fire. Then take it all out on H! It's a win-win situation.


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