# Family with No Boundaries *rant*



## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Ugh. Not sure if I am more mad or more embarrassed.

I have been sick and tomorrow is husband's birthday and we are having guests, so my mom offered to come tidy up the kitchen/bathroom today while I was at work. That is nice of her.

Well when I got home not only did she tidy the kitchen but she took it upon herself to go into our closed bedroom and clean it, and do all our laundry...

#1. Our sex toys were hidden behind/under the bed. Yeah she cleaned there too and stacked neatly. :surprise:

#2. She washed ALL our laundry including all my expensive lingerie and dress clothes (including some I just bought). Which were not only personal but they were all hand wash only. She washed them with dirty jeans, towels, and shoes!?!? AND dried them. WTH!? I'm pretty sure some stuff is ruined.  

When I told her that was improper for her to go into our personal space, and wash my delicates which I am super careful about she starts complaining about how dare I say something when she cleaned my house. :banghead:

Ugh. Now I am ticked about my clothes, and also skeeved out that my super conservative mother saw all my sexy time things.  Not that I am super shy, but I feel like she crossed too far over the line. My bedroom is my personal private space, and she just digs through everything. 

Yesterday I woke up to father-in-law fixing something... I'm glad they want to help, but the lack of privacy is getting ridiculous. Oh course when I say anything I'm the jerk because they are just being helpful. It's both sides of the family... All the time. We've been married for over 5 years, and have fought this fight many times but it never gets anywhere. UGH. Just having a bad day and wanting a rant. Anyone else have have family that doesn't respect your privacy?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think you are very blessed to have parents who help you out when you are ill. I would have loved that. If you don't want them to help then just say no next time and do it yourself.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Ugh. Not sure if I am more mad or more embarrassed.
> 
> I have been sick and tomorrow is husband's birthday and we are having guests, so my mom offered to come tidy up the kitchen/bathroom today while I was at work. That is nice of her.
> 
> ...


 :rofl: Sorry but... omg lol



> #2. She washed ALL our laundry including all my expensive lingerie and dress clothes (including some I just bought). Which were not only personal but they were all hand wash only. She washed them with dirty jeans, towels, and shoes!?!? AND dried them. WTH!? I'm pretty sure some stuff is ruined.
> 
> When I told her that was improper for her to go into our personal space, and wash my delicates which I am super careful about she starts complaining about how dare I say something when she cleaned my house. :banghead:
> 
> ...


I would start the conversation with appreciation, thanking her for the housework, and gently telling her your requirements of personal space. If you don't speak up about your boundaries it's going to happen again, and again, and again. Not to mention you're going to be ticked off each time and when you finally explode you may ruin your relations with them for quite some time.

This is also why when I have guests, I LOCK the door.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I am thankful I have parents who like to help. But they should also respect boundaries. Coming over without calling is not okay. Digging through our personal things in our bedroom is not okay. 

This is not a one time occurrence.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> :rofl: Sorry but... omg lol
> 
> I would start the conversation with appreciation, thanking her for the housework, and gently telling her your requirements of personal space. If you don't speak up about your boundaries it's going to happen again, and again, and again. Not to mention you're going to be ticked off each time and when you finally explode you may ruin your relations with them for quite some time.
> 
> This is also why when I have guests, I LOCK the door.


I know right. Like it would be hilarious if it wasn't me! 

She has been told multiple times. Last time she only saw sex books. So we started hiding those. Not this time she got the real deal. I told her for serious, don't go into my bedroom or wash my clothes again. It's inappropriate.

Unfortunately we live in an old house and our bedroom doesn't have a lock. We are remodeling and will soon be moving to a new bedroom. It will have a lock. But really should I have to lock my bedroom everyday when I leave on the off chance that my mom might come over while I'm gone and rummage through our things? That's crazy.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TheCuriousWife said:


> I know right. Like it would be hilarious if it wasn't me!
> 
> *She has been told multiple times. *Last time she only saw sex books. So we started hiding those. Not this time she got the real deal. I told her for serious, don't go into my bedroom or wash my clothes again. It's inappropriate.


Well now... hell if that was the case with me I would be really IN HER FACE about it, never invite her over again, and will never forgive such blatant fking disrespect! However, that's not always the wisest option, especially with in-laws... ARGH... hell reminds me of my own in-laws, if there's anyone who can teach you anger management it's IN-LAWS >.<!



> Unfortunately we live in an old house and our bedroom doesn't have a lock. We are remodeling and will soon be moving to a new bedroom. It will have a lock.


How soon is the move? Locks aren't really that expensive to install, can do it in a day too. Hell can even do it yourself. It's easy.

Did you tell your husband? What is his opinion?



> But really should I have to lock my bedroom everyday when I leave on the off chance that my mom might come over while I'm gone and rummage through our things? That's crazy.


You shouldn't, but you're dealing with people with no concept or respect of other people's privacy. It's crazy to install a lock, but these are your in-laws, it's a pain in the butt but that's the price of marriage unfortunately. It's your husband's family who raised him, it's not wise to damage relations, even though you have EVERY RIGHT to tell them to f off.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I'd go buy the freakiest, kinkiest, downright nastiest sex toys, videos, and books ever made. I might even use food coloring or other household things to make these items look used. I'd leave them in what should be private space and just wait.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

MJJEAN said:


> I'd go buy the freakiest, kinkiest, downright nastiest sex toys, videos, and books ever made. I might even use food coloring or other household things to make these items look used. I'd leave them in what should be private space and just wait.


Lol not sure if that would work, maybe that would just encourage her to visit OP's bedroom more! lol


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Walk in on her when she's in the shower, and use the toilet. See if she complains! If so, tell her that's how it feels when she invades your privacy. And take her delicates and wash them on hot and dry on high. The message will be received, perhaps.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Married but Happy said:


> Walk in on her when she's in the shower, and use the toilet. See if she complains! If so, tell her that's how it feels when she invades your privacy. And take her delicates and wash them on hot and dry on high. The message will be received, perhaps.


:rofl: HELL YEAH!

But... erm, what if she doesn't mind, and walks out of the shower completely naked and unfazzed. That may spook the hell outta OP lol

Next thing you know when OP is over at her house she might leave the toilet door open while dropping the kids at the pool, because hey - maybe she simply doesn't understand the concept of privacy - there ARE people like that you know lol


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> :rofl: HELL YEAH!
> 
> But... erm, what if she doesn't mind, and walks out of the shower completely naked and unfazzed. That may spook the hell outta OP lol
> 
> Next thing you know when OP is over at her house she might leave the toilet door open while dropping the kids at the pool, because hey - maybe she simply doesn't understand the concept of privacy - there ARE people like that you know lol


Yeah, you're right about that. Not everyone can be educated to respect boundaries. In that case, just put a cheap padlock on the door!


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

I’d never clean my “married” son’s bedroom! Geesh! I respect his privacy!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You should repay the kindness at your mother's place.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Your mother may not have any lingerie to ruin, yes? 

And emulating bad behavior is often not the right way to teach, unless the goal is revenge.

This woman raised you? You lived in the same home with her for years? 

I have to assume she did the same thing then, didn't she? You didn't notice so much when you were young and single.

How to change it... wow. I moved a hundred miles away. And no one had a key to the front door but my wife, and our kids. That's something. We did keep the front and back doors locked, most of the time, and never let any relatives have a key.

Someone once said I was not the leader of my family when they found out I never carried a key to my own home. Oh well. They just didn't understand the dynamics of my life.

The most important thing, is both my wife and I were always on the same page.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

WilliamM said:


> *This woman raised you? You lived in the same home with her for years? *
> 
> I have to assume she did the same thing then, didn't she? You didn't notice so much when you were young and single.


:| Damn, my attention to detail in this thread is shocking

Sorry OP, your own mother would DO THIS?


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

If she does it again, demand the key back. Also, it will be a simple DIY thing to replace the existing door handle with a locking one, but that really should not be necessary.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

TheCuriousWife said:


> I know right. Like it would be hilarious if it wasn't me!
> 
> She has been told multiple times. Last time she only saw sex books. So we started hiding those. Not this time she got the real deal. I told her for serious, don't go into my bedroom or wash my clothes again. It's inappropriate.
> 
> Unfortunately we live in an old house and our bedroom doesn't have a lock. We are remodeling and will soon be moving to a new bedroom. It will have a lock. But really should I have to lock my bedroom everyday when I leave on the off chance that my mom might come over while I'm gone and rummage through our things? That's crazy.


Yes, lock it every time. 

The mother MAKES A POINT of going through your bedroom. Likely is envious. She is anxious to look, to inventory all the stuff she wishes she could have.
This is her only chance at getting near this sort of stuff.

Think about it....
A normal person, be it a cleaning lady, or a friend or a relative who tidies up your place and upon finding these things [sex toys] would not disturb them. They would pretend not to have 'seen' them. So as not to create a 'later' scene. So, as not to embarrass you and your' husband. Embarrass herself.

She goes out of her way to handle them, wash them?, arrange them, box them up. She is sending a message
What is that message?

Lord knows?

Likely thinking, "I know what you are up to". 
When you look at each other, those 'items' are in her mind and now yours.
She likely inwardly is envious.

With regard to the bedroom?
I think she is rubbing your nose in some sort of contemptuous manner. It is just rude behavior. Sorry.
No doubt she inspects the items, maybe sniffs them. Lovingly puts them away, one at a time, slowly...carefully.

On washing your intimate clothes? Same thing.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

SunCMars said:


> On washing your intimate clothes? Same thing. She is HIS mother, not yours.


Now I'm confused as fk :|


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> Now I'm confused as fk :|


Don't be. I went in and edited my post. It was HER mother that did this, not the MIL.

A big difference. Uh, huh!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

SunCMars said:


> Don't be. I went in and edited my post. It was HER mother that did this, not the MIL.
> 
> A big difference. Uh, huh!


Lol - I swear the way she speaks of her somehow seems so much like a MIL not her actual mother.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you dont want her to do this then don't ask for her help, simple. You are her child, she has been clearing up after you all your life, I doubt she sees this as any different.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> If you dont want her to do this then don't ask for her help, simple. You are her child, she has been clearing up after you all your life, I doubt she sees this as any different.


Yeah....OK!

Except for the sex toys.
She should have left them, not touched them, pretended that she never saw them. :surprise:

OK? :grin2:


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## annierose7995 (Mar 11, 2018)

Lock ya bedroom door! That's all kinds of screwed up, that your mom would go through your stuff, and not just retreat when spotting sex toys but continue cleaning then stack them neatly..


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> If you dont want her to do this then don't ask for her help, simple. You are her child, she has been clearing up after you all your life, I doubt she sees this as any different.


I'm inclined to disagree. There's a line, and her mother definitely crossed it. Cleaning up the bedroom, ok, I can give her that. But when she started coming across lingerie and sex toys, she should have left them well enough alone. Leave them where they are, and clean everything else. But even that would be a violation of their personal space, considering Curious has asked her to not go into their bedroom already.

I'd venture to guess that if your kids came into your bedroom, washed your lingerie, and cleaned and organized your sex toys, that you would feel like your private space had been violated?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, you and I have what seem to be very similar mothers. Mine once re-organized all of the kitchen cabinets in my college apartment (that I was paying for on my own) while I was in class - without even letting me know she was coming over beforehand. I immediately asked for the keys back and told her, very directly, that if she showed up without calling first, that I would not answer the door. That had to be restated, very directly, each and every time I moved. We had to have the same conversation again when I married my husband, and we moved into our first, second and third homes. I had to tell her again when I divorced and moved into my current house. And, yes, I have on several occasions over the years actually refused to let her in if she's arrived without calling ahead, just to enforce the rules. To this day, she has never again had a key to my home. 

My father, less pushy but equally oblivious to boundaries, learned his lesson about 15 years ago by walking in on my then-husband and I in the act of fully enjoying our living room sofa. He was very careful to call before coming over, and knock before entering the house, after that.

Honestly, OP, if your family members cannot learn to respect your boundaries, then you're going to have to get a whole lot more pro-active about enforcing them yourself. Since you've already talked to them about not going into your bedroom, etc., you're going to have to up your game a bit. Lock the doors to your home. Don't give the nosy parents or in-laws a key. Kindly tell them that, in the interests of maintaining your marital privacy, they will need to call before showing up. If they don't, then don't let them in. Answer the door and say it's not a good time, but that you'd be happy to have them over another day. Reiterate that they need to call first. It will mean that you don't get as much help around the house, but it will also mean that you don't have issues with your mother cleaning your sex toys or ruining your clothing in her complete disregard for appropriate privacy boundaries.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Epic parental fail. Did they replace / charge any toy batteries?


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Parents always feel like they have power&knowledge over their children... this is how they get away with things like this AND get mad if you try to tell them it was wrong..... 

I can only suggest reading "when i say no, i feel guilty" -> its a book dedicated to breaking through the manipulative talk that your parents raised you with... you will be much better suited to have conversations with them after you read the book


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

You guys are great! 

To clear things up it is MY mother who did this.

Husband's FATHER also comes over unannounced often, although thankfully he doesn't go through our stuff. My father, and my husband's mother always call first and don't bother our privacy. We each have one annoying parent. lol.

Anyway... I'm an only child, my mom is way over bearing. She still seems me as her little girl and has no respect for any boundaries. She still calls me by my maiden name "accidentally" and she refers to my house as "ours" such as mine and hers... It's an ongoing battle. She even brings her friends over and shows them around my house without any warning. :surprise: (we are remodeling)

Husband was embarrassed/mad. But actually, when she was over she let his indoor cat out (his baby) and THAT is what ticked him off. He freaked out and said we need to lock all the doors and that our parents aren't welcome anymore.  So his MIL looking at our sex toys is no big deal, but she lets his cat out and the war is on. lol. 

Anyway, I've repeated on no uncertain terms that it is inappropriate, and hopefully for now she will butt out for a while.

This is why you should live more than 5 minutes away from your parents.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I can't see why this is an ongoing battle. If you want it to stop, make the boundary un-penetrable.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Anyway, I've repeated on no uncertain terms that it is inappropriate, and hopefully for now she will butt out for a while.
> 
> This is why you should live more than 5 minutes away from your parents.


It ends now, time to lock things up! Even if she only lives 5 minutes I doubt she would break and enter... but if she does... nah let's hope she wont!


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## Tiggy! (Sep 9, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> No doubt she inspects the items,* maybe sniffs them*. Lovingly puts them away, one at a time, slowly...carefully.
> .



:scratchhead:


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Yes, lock it every time.
> 
> The mother MAKES A POINT of going through your bedroom.* Likely is envious. She is anxious to look, to inventory all the stuff she wishes she could have.*
> This is her only chance at getting near this sort of stuff.
> ...


Maybe ger her a thank you gift for cleaning - HER OWN TOYS! >


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

My MIL was very 'helpful' in the early years.

Once I came home from work and she had rearranged the furniture in the living room and dining room. She had pushed extremely heavy pieces half-way across the house to 'experiment.'

Another time, I caught her emptying our fridge. I said, 'Oh, thanks. It could use a good cleaning,' to which she replied, 'I'm not cleaning, dear, just reorganizing.'

So, I told her the next time we were visiting them that I had some really great ideas for decorating their place. When was she planning to go out so I could experiment?

And that ended that. She actually spoke to me candidly about it once she realized my intent.


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