# Husband couldn't be bothered about me



## ardehl (Apr 13, 2013)

My husband goes out to the pub often and stays out till early hours in the morning, he always leaves here saying he is only going for one or two drinks but it never stops there. It's often during the week and sometimes on the weekend we both work yet he manages to cope fine with work, I stay awake because he usually is intoxicated and will leave doors unlocked and am nervous because I have two teenage daughters safety to think of. It's getting me down, no matter how much I try reasoning and pleading or talking it keeps happening. His reasoning for going out so much is because he says he doesn't get enough sex which infuriates me. He has told me he doesn't see any thing wrong with him staying out till 1 or 2 o'clock in the morning and doesn't see what the big deal is, which totally contradicts his argument of sex. I will admit that our sex life is lacking but that is because I feel he couldn't care less about my feelings, our safety and also because of the way he talks to me. He is very abrupt with me whereas with his friends he has got all the time in the world. When I talk he walks away as if what I'm saying isn't important and he couldn't be bothered , when I try to talk about us he doesn't engage in the conversation he gives me short answers like "I know" or looks away. He also has told me I owe him sex as a wife which has contributed to the sexual issue. We probably have sex about once a week now because of this. I've tried talking to him about all these things but it's like hitting a brick wall the whole time because he just doesn't want to make any changes and I just don't know what to do anymore. I tried locking him out when he comes home intoxicated so that he can't get into the house but he just gets into the car and drives drunk which is just as scary. So I have to wait up till he gets home by then I'm so fustrated and angry about his selfishness that I can't sleep and then I have to try and work the next day. How does a person deal with a partner like this ? Is it really my fault?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ardehl said:


> How does a person deal with a partner like this?


By allowing him to feel the consequences of his actions. By realizing that trying to make him see the light, have an epiphany, or that special "ah-ha!" moment, is a waste of time. By taking care of what you can take care of; namely, yourself and your children. By getting back on your side of the street. And, most importantly, by realizing that all you are accomplishing by trying to engage an alcoholic in meaningful conversation is driving yourself crazy. 



ardehl said:


> Is it really my fault?


No, but he's manipulated you enough to get you to believe it is. Alcoholics are brilliant at turning the tables. It keeps everyone's focus off the addiction and on the chaos and drama. I'm sure it's your fault that he drinks, that he doesn't get enough sex, that your marriage isn't good, blah, blah, blah. Heck, he'd blame you for Original Sin if he thought you'd believe him.

You are fighting a losing battle. Drinking is his mistress. It's his coping mechanism. And he doesn't want to change, sees no need to change, and isn't interested in you telling him to change.

So, that puts it on you. Can you live with him the way he is, knowing he may never change? That's the decision you need to make.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

So let me get this straight.Your husband is "blaming you " that he is not only a drunk but drunk drives (a criminal activity) Leaves doors unlocked (not safe for his teenage daughters let alone you ) and is in general gone until the late hours (drinking) because you "only" have sex with him one time a week?

NO its not "your fault".


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

*NO this is NOT your fault!* The way he treats you, I think sex 1x/week is a lot. He is a selfish, inconsiderate, irresponsible, human. I don't know how or why you tolerate this at all. This is not a marriage. This can't be the guy you fell in love with. He doesn't want to talk about the state of your marriage? Well this is no way to live. I wouldn't tolerate a kid walking out on me while I'm talking, or being out til all hours, or drinking and driving. Why should you take this from your partner?

If he won't talk about this, then you won't fix this very broken marriage on your own. Either he helps you get back on track or you need to walk, sooner rather than later. You have kids who are seeing you be treated this way and it hurts them more than you know. They can't have any respect for him, and their respect for you is diminishing every single time they see you take his [email protected]


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## ardehl (Apr 13, 2013)

Thank u for the advice guys it really helps, I understand everybody needs to unwind so I let him go fishing on sundays and let him go for a drink if he needs it but he abuses it. His excuse is always "Oh but someone bought me a drink or put a drink in front of me" I've told him he has a drinking problem and everything he does he chooses to do. You've hit the nail on the head. It's a weight off my shoulders to know that I don't have to blame myself and it's all a manipulation game. Now it's time to make a decision for me and my girls.


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## ardehl (Apr 13, 2013)

U right ISGirl3 this isn't the guy I fell in love with, He certainly wasn't so unkind or unloving, he's changed . My youngest daughter does have issues with him because of the way he treats me and this has caused friction.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ardehl said:


> I've told him he has a drinking problem...


And, sadly, he doesn't see it as a problem. Until he does, he will continue in his addiction. Denial. It's one of the hallmarks of addiction. You deserve to get away from the insanity. Definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree. This is not your fault. The way he's behaving would make anyone not want to have sex with him. Plus, he sorta needs to be at home to get sex.. right?

The first thing you need to do is to figure out what you want. 

If he's drunk driving when you lock him out, that means that he's drunk driving from the pub to the house, right? You could always all the police on him when he gets home and is locked out. I am sure that you do not want him to have a police record, but he needs something to get him to admit that he has a problem.

Have you talked to his family and yours about his drinking problem?

You might want to start to interact with him according to the 180 (see link below). Usually the 180 is uses when one's spouse is having an affair. It's used until the wayward spouse (WS) agrees to end the affair. Addictions are a lot like affairs. So maybe you could use those guidelines until he agrees to get help for his drinking and work on your marriage.

You and your daughters would probably benefit greatly from going to Al ANON meetings as well. They are for the family of alcoholics.


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## ardehl (Apr 13, 2013)

Thanks for that, it's most helpful. His behaviour is definitely a turnoff. In fact in South Africa it's 10h00 Saturday night right now and the kids are spending the evening at friends which he knew and it would be the perfect night for us to have some time but he decided to go to the pub because he didn't know if he was going to get it tonight so why be here which is quite demeening if that is the right word to use. It's like he couldn't be bothered to be here.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

If you can't get him to get help for his drinking, decide if you can continue to live with an alcoholic.

Know that your girls are LEARNING from YOUR marriage. Wanna bet they'll marry alcoholics OR emotionally unavailable men? Whether you stay or whether you go, you NEED to get those girls some counseling or it'll be THEIR turn to live like this in 20 more years!

If you can't trust him to lock up the house behind himself, can you look into changing the locks on the doors to some kind of self-locking units? Go to a hardware store and inquire what's available; that would allow YOU to go to sleep at a reasonable hour w/out waiting up to lock up the house.

Think outside the box re: the locks! Get some therapy for yourself, as well. None of us is without responsibility in the failure of our marriages.

good luck!


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## ardehl (Apr 13, 2013)

You right the girls are already learning and it's forming their views on marriage, I will check at the hardware shops.
I agree a marriage is a two way street and even though his drinking is his responsibility there are other factors in the marriage that I am accountable for thanks for the advice.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I agree w/EleGirl. Call the police. In fact, you can alert them that he is on the roads by giving then the make, model, and license plate number of his vehicle. During routine patrols, they may very well catch him. I did this myself. It took about three years for my husband to get pulled over. However, my main concern was innocent people driving on the road who could have been killed by a drunk driver.

The outcome? My husband ended up with an interlock device on the steering wheel for a period of one year. The state charges him $80 a month for the device, and it must be re-calibrated every month, which necessitates that he drive to the other end of town for the service. He must blow into it in order for the car to start. And he cannot have a trace of alcohol in his system when he does that. 

Did it make him stop drinking? No. When he wants more booze and realizes he's too drunk to drive, he hops on his bicycle and peddles his way to the grocery store to buy it.

Al-Anon would help you to deal with your situation. The people in those rooms understand the frustration, anger, and fear you feel. I've met many ACOA's (Adult Children of Alcoholics) through Al-Anon. The impact on children who grow up in a home with an alcoholic parent is tremendous. 

Consider making other living arrangements for yourself and your children. You all deserve a decent, sane life.


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## ardehl (Apr 13, 2013)

wow your husband was adament. strangley my husband doesn't drink during working hours he seems to be able to keep it for socialising times. I've decided to take the car keys away if he wants to go to the pub I know he will find a way but then he can walk and if he ends up sleeping on the side of the road then that's his hard luck. At least I don't need to worry about him hurting anyone else.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ardehl said:


> ... this isn't the guy I fell in love with, He certainly wasn't so unkind or unloving, he's changed . My youngest daughter does have issues with him because of the way he treats me and this has caused friction.


I am really sorry to tell you this, but you are witnessing the progression of a disease called alcoholism. No, he isn't to the point of riding a bicycle to the nearest boozer. No, his drinking isn't interfering with his work ... yet.

My husband worked from the minute he graduated college, because he was commissioned upon graduating into the Army. He was an officer, who served in war zones, meritoriously decorated numerous times, with a graduate degree in engineering from Johns Hopkins (a first-rate university).

Now he sits around, unemployed, in a dirty house. His main focus? Drinking.

And I never, ever, ever thought it would get this bad. NEVER.

I've only known a few alcoholics in my life who didn't get progressively worse. But I've sat in hundreds of A.A. rooms, and I know how "cunning, baffling, and powerful" alcohol can be.

Take away his car keys, by all means. You will save innocent people on the road. But please be prepared for an escalation in his drinking. It may take time, it may not happen ... but chances are, it will.


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