# My Husband Might be Unknowingly Having an Emotional Affair



## anon1991 (Dec 5, 2012)

My husband came here from America to be with me. We used to text constantly in the beginning of our relationship up until he came here to live with me. Now that he was here in America, I felt no need to text him 24/7 like we used to. It was no big deal, I saw him every day at home and here and there at work. Eventually I started to feel like I was missing something. I missed the way we shared everything. The way he could brighten up my whole day with some silly comment or picture, how I always knew what was going on in his life, and how he felt about everything. We still felt the exact same way. We were beyond happy together, we said “I love you” and “I love you even more than that, forever and always” more times a day than I can count. But, we still weren’t as close as we used to be. When he comes home, he goes straight for the videogames. He doesn’t really want to talk. He loves me endlessly, but he won’t talk to me like he used to. The only time we text it’s to say “I love you” or communicate plans. In person, we talk about things like dinner, school’s okay, work was exhausting, our family that we live with. He doesn’t text me silly jokes, comments, or pictures anymore. He doesn’t share new videos, songs, or interests with me anymore or at least not like he used to. It’s not just him; I don’t go out of my way to do those things either. The difference is that I don’t text anyone like I used to text him, not even my best “virtual” friend, and the same one who introduced us. He does. One day I noticed that he had been texting quite a bit. He texts a girl from work that he’s become friends with. I didn’t mind at first, it didn’t seem like much. Eventually it started to bother me. I told him that it made me feel uncomfortable, jealous even, because he used to text me like that, but doesn’t anymore. He got mad at me. He said they’re just friends and that she’s engaged. I trust my husband. Before any of this even started, before we were married, he told me something. He said that he would love me forever. The only reasons he would EVER leave me would be if I murdered someone or if I cheated on him. The sanctity of marriage and even just loyalty itself are extremely important to him and I know he would never willingly or knowingly betray me that way. I even told him that when I brought it up. I told him, if anything, it was the girl I was concerned about. Why was she texting him so much? This was before he told me she was engaged, as if that somehow meant it was impossible for her to be interested in him. I told myself, he’s right. She’s just a friend, I trust him. Not long after that my mom asked me if he and I were okay. I was confused, why wouldn’t we be? Well, she noticed that the girl had been talking to him a lot on Facebook, something I had also noticed and was upset by. She commented on nearly everything he posted. It bugged me, nagged at me, and still I couldn’t say anything because I trust my husband and I don’t want him to be mad at me for bringing it up again. I hadn’t even told my mother that I was concerned about her, but I did then and I gave her the same half-hearted excuse he gave me; she’s engaged, they’re just friends. They continued to text a lot; every single day. When I was checking my phone for an upgrade status recently, I noticed he had sent around 800 texts in the past billing period. 800 texts, around 200-300 were to me (guessing by 30 days times about 5-10 texts a day). Maybe 50 to other people like my mom or aunt and uncle could also be factored in. That still leaves somewhere around 400 texts to somebody else and there’s only one other person who texts him a lot, the other girl. It’s crazy to think that he texts her nearly twice as much as me, and yet, there’s the proof. I had let this slide. She’s his friend, friends keep in touch. I’m so upset today though. I just found out that it’s worse than I thought. I think he might be having an emotional affair with her. I hadn’t heard of it before, but it sounds exactly like what he’s doing. My mother asked me again if we were okay, shortly after returning from lunch together. She said that that girl’s behavior is bothering her. She’s always going to see him while he’s working, on break, or on lunch my mom says. They do work in the same store, but it feels like too much. Again I told her, half-heartedly, they’re just friends, she’s engaged. I don’t know what to do. I miss him as we used to be. I love him. I know he’s not intentionally replacing me with her as his emotional confidant, but it’s definitely happening. Am I wrong to feel jealous or worried about their friendship? Or is he unknowingly cheating on me emotionally? I just want my soul mate back.


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## littlegreengirl (Dec 5, 2012)

Emotional affairs are just as damaging as sexual. My husband was involved in an affair that he swears was "only" emotional (of course I don't believe there wasn't sex involved). For me, it was almost worse than if he had gone out and had sex with strangers. If you look at the phone bill and see that the number of his calls to her outweigh or even are comparable to you, there's a problem. I'm sorry so many of us go through this. Here's a little more about my experience: I Got Her Lawnmower And New Sheets


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

When your husband is texting/facebooking that much with another another woman, this is by definition an EA. Whether he defines it that way is irrelevant. It is.

This may be even a PA, but at the very least it's the initial stage of the typical cheating path that is followed. Starts as friends, then to emotional confidant, then to sexual banter, to PA, then to full blown ongoing EA/PA. 

I would advise that you take steps as quickly as possible to monitor him. VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car, spyware on his phone, keylogger on his computer, etc. Now's the chance to do this when he is not on alert. Then confront him with what you already have. With any luck this may prevent it going to the next stage, if it already hasn't.

After you confront him he needs to demonstrate contrition and be willing to end all contact, to include sending her a no contact letter. He may very will have an excuse or try to make you feel guilty for not trusting him. This is called gaslighting and chances are that's exactly what he'll do.

Insist on the no contact and stand your ground about this, no matter what his reaction. Insist on having access to his phone and passwords and that he not delete any messages. If he refuses, you have a definite answer on how serious this is. Tell him texting and facebooking this much to another woman is unacceptable and you will not tolerate it. Period.

Then, continue to monitor him for the next several weeks. If you take the advice about the methods, you'll be much better equipped to find out what's really going on if he tries to take it underground.

Keep checking back in on this forum through this process. You'll get a lot of good advise. (And you might want to edit your post to use paragraph breaks. You'll get more responses that way).


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