# New member intro



## BigDaddyNY

I've been posting a little already, but haven't actually introduced myself here. 

I stumbled on this forum because I'm always looking for advice and experience on how to keep my marriage strong.

I've been married to my wife for 31 years and we've been together more than 33 years. I was very young when I started dating my wife at 16, and she was 19. She is my first true love and my first and only sexual partner. She had 2 sexual partners before me and was engaged to and living with her boyfriend of 2 years right after high school. We met a few months after they broke up and moved out of their shared apartment. At an immature age of 16 that was a source of friction early in our relationship for me. And she was reluctant to get into another serious relationship. Honestly, during the first couple months we dated she was really hoping there would be a way to get back together with her ex-fiancé and she allowed him to string her along. I don't blame her for this, he was her first love. Without getting into the gory details things came to a head and she chose to move on from him, thank goodness! She cut all contact with him and we became a solid couple. There were bumps, I was an idiot teenager, and we even had a short breakup, but we patched things up and we got married right before my 19th birthday. Marrying her really saved me from a self-destructive path I was on. Shortly after getting married, we moved several hours from the city we grew up in. That was the best thing that could have happened for our relationship. 

Since then we've really been very fortunate to have only minor issues. No one has ever slept on the couch because the other was mad. In fact that was one of our golden rules; Don't go to bed mad. After several years of just being a couple and living all around the world we had a couple kids, that are now nearing the end of college. We are what I would call semi-empty nesters. We are really looking forward to what is yet to come and I can't believe how in love we still are after all these years. 

I credit...
Unwavering trust in each other.
Deep love and showing it to each other through our actions and words. 
Open communication, including not being afraid to argue and disagree sometimes.
Give space when needed.
Staying very intimate with each other. This includes sex, but not just sex, intimacy in all forms.
Patience
We are each others BFF


That's my intro, sorry if it was too wordy.


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## MattMatt

Sounds good! Welcome on board.


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## C.C. says ...

Hi, Big Daddy.

Hey... did you get your name from that Golden Girls episode where Blanche, who calls her dad Big Daddy, finds out that her ancestors were really from Buffalo NY, thus making her a yankee instead of the demure southern belle she envisions herself to be?

No? I couldn’t help but ask.

Can I just call you Daddy, or would you rather me always use the ‘Big’ part? I wouldn’t want to appear creepy or sexual. 

What’s your thoughts on that, Big D?


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## BigDaddyNY

C.C. says ... said:


> Hi, Big Daddy.
> 
> Hey... did you get your name from that Golden Girls episode where Blanche, who calls her dad Big Daddy, finds out that her ancestors were really from Buffalo NY, thus making her a yankee instead of the demure southern belle she envisions herself to be?
> 
> No? I couldn’t help but ask.
> 
> Can I just call you Daddy, or would you rather me always use the ‘Big’ part? I wouldn’t want to appear creepy or sexual.
> 
> What’s your thoughts on that, Big D?


Golden Girls, lol. I do know the episode, but that is not where the name came from. It actually comes from a video game I used to play a long time ago. It was a golf game and you had to pick a name for your character. I was Big Daddy Hack. That morphed into the name I use now. You aren't the first person to feel a little "funny" calling me Big Daddy in online forums. You can call me anything, just don't call me late for dinner.  Most seem to just shorten it to BD.


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## C.C. says ...

Well, I love it. 🤗 see ya round.


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## heartsbeating

C.C. says ... said:


> What’s your thoughts on that, Big D?


I think that's worse! You make me laugh @C.C. says ...


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## heartsbeating

Welcome BD!


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## BigDaddyNY

I posted these in another thread, but since it gives more detail to my background and how it may shape my opinions here on TAM, I thought I should add it here. My marriage has been phenomenal, but no relationship is ever perfect and I have struggled with retroactive jealousy. This sheds some light on it. 



ConanHub said:


> This is interesting. I didn't see a thread you started about this so how did you deal with your RA?


I've mentioned it here and there, but never started a thread. For a long time I dealt with it very poorly.

First some background. My wife dated her ex for about two years. It started in her Junior year of HS and continued till a little less than a year after she graduated. They were engaged and moved in together shortly after they graduated. She had suspicions of cheating going fairly far back in their relationship and they continued after they moved in. Things didn't take long to fall apart and she moved out. Less than a week after moving out she went to the apartment to get the last of her stuff and he already had another woman there helping him move his stuff out. So, cheating was obvious. I met her about 4 months after the split. She wasn't really over him and he kept stringing her along. At the point where we had been dating about a month, there had been no sex and we never explicitly said we were exclusive. She slept with him. In all honesty it was her last ditch attempt to get back with him. She confessed it to me the next day. She knew she was a fool for trying to get him back and even a fool for wanting him back at all. It was almost the end for us before it started, but she did everything to show she was done with him. She even had him come over while I was there and told him to never contact her again. We mutually agreed to be exclusive at that point and it turned into a sexual relationship a couple months later. A little over two years after that we were married and moved hundreds of miles away.

So most of the jealousy was completely unfounded since most of it occurred prior to her even knowing I existed. It was only that last time she had sex with him that occurred while I was in her life. The sex act itself actually bothered me less than what it meant. The fact she was still in love with him was what hurt me. I struggled with thoughts of all the things he had and I didn't. He was her first love, her prom date, her first fiancé. She had been to his grandparents vacation home. The list could go on.

Oddly enough the RJ didn't start until well into our marriage. I would go long stretches without it bothering me, then something would trigger bad thoughts. I didn't do well with it when I was triggered. Now, onto the the stuff I really feel bad about today. My wife went above and beyond to help me, even though none of this was on her. I feel so guilty about this now. I made her throw away her Prom dress. I got rid of her high school yearbook because every single thing her classmates wrote was wishing her good luck in the future with her ex. There's more, much more. Writing this is hard because I know a lot of that was a real asshole move. Through it all my wife's attitude was she loves me and will do whatever I need to feel secure. That past didn't matter anymore to her. She was much stronger emotionally than I was. The bad part is those were all just material things and it didn't change what was going on in my head.

As bad as all that may sound, it didn't have a lasting negative impact on our marriage. The triggers didn't happen often, and sometimes I did just internalize. So, it wasn't like this was going on regularly, just several times over the course of many, many years.

I finally was at peace in my mind when I realized that I loved my wife exactly as she is and she is that person because of the sum total of her life experiences. That includes everything in her prior relationships. We talked about it a few times very openly and that helped, but I've now made it a point to just not bring it up anymore. I don't want her to feel guilty for my shortcomings. Now the negative thoughts rarely occur, but I easily put them to rest by basically reminding myself, I love this woman and all she is.

My wife was so empathic about the situation and very supportive, even though these jealous feeling were all on me, not her. She is a true saint. I also reflected back on our life together. She never once in 32 years of marriage has given me pause to think she might not be trustworthy. Now we can look back at that period in her life and I don't trigger. Actually the opposite can happen. Just the other day we were playing a little game with some conversation starters consisting of random questions to discuss. She got the question, "what is the dumbest thing you've ever done?" Without hesitation she said, that time when I tried to get back with XXXX even though I had the man of my future right in front of me. I couldn't have felt any closer and more secure in my relationship with her than in that moment.

She also realizes she dodged a bullet with her ex, not having gotten to marriage. Her brother was friends with him and remained in contact for quite some time. Her ex remained a serial cheater. Including getting a married woman pregnant while he was married. Also filled bankruptcy a couple times. I don't want to gloat over someone else's failures, but a part of me knows I'm a much better man, or at least husband, than he ever would be, in spite of my faults.

Looking back it is hard to believe I was in the middle of that kind of messy relationship issues at the age of 16. My wife too. She was engaged in HS and moved in straight away after graduation before she even turned 18. I think it is an artifact of where we grew up. You had to grow up real fast if you wanted to get by.

Sorry this was so long, and for the TJ, but I guess this is an aspect of jealousy, so, maybe not a TJ. There is one thing that came to mind while writing this that I hadn't completely recognized before. In my case at least, retroactive jealousy is actually me being jealous of what he had and that I can never have. It is not a fear of being unfaithful in the present day as we usually think of when talking about jealousy.




ConanHub said:


> RJ is jealousy so it maybe isn't a jack.
> 
> I'm not sure I really think you're an a hole about the prom dress and other things.
> 
> She did stab you right in the back and I think she realizes it which is why she didn't mind jumping through some hoops to keep you.
> 
> I actually perceive her to be very lucky because many aren't wired to overlook her behavior.
> 
> She would have been yesterday's news if she had treated me that way.
> 
> I'm not bagging on her but you might be beating yourself up a little too much. She did a really ****ty thing and I would have reacted far more strongly than you.
> 
> I think she realizes what I'm saying because she did what it took to hold onto you and she knows it was worth it.😉
> 
> I appreciate that you were vulnerable enough to share that. Thank you!
> 
> P.S. do you think you would have had the same troubles if she had never had sex with him while dating you and she had not tried to get back with him at all?


Lots of truth in your post.

Thank you for thinking I'm not a total ahole, lol. On the prom dress. I told her exactly how I felt. Any time I saw that dress all I could think about was him taking it off her after the prom and doing "things". I told her I wanted her to throw it away, not me, it was her choice. She hesitated a little, but didn't really argue at all. She completely understood where I was coming from at the time. I watched her throw it in the dumpster. I wonder if seeing it today would elicit those old feelings? Talking about it doesn't seem to.

It really was a ****ty thing she did, and you are right, she knows it. If we had been any deeper into our relationship I wouldn't have stayed with her. I was young and inexperienced in relationships, plus you have to consider that I was a 16 yo hormone saturated virgin that had an overwhelming desire to get laid. I can't completely recall my mindset anymore, but I was probably thinking I had a real shot of getting some with this more experienced woman. I wasn't looking to the future, I wasn't even looking past the tip of my ****. To her credit she didn't try to keep me with sex. It was a couple more months before we got to that point. That event was a bit like a reset and new beginning. I do agree that she was lucky that I didn't end it right there. Now of course I'm very thankful I didn't. After spending time here on TAM I'm confident I got a good one in spite of what she did. I think she learned a lesson early in life and took it to heart.

That's a great question about the impact of what she did. All the feelings of RJ have been directed at things other than that, all the stuff that came before. However, that may have been the trigger that put so much weight on those past events in my mind. That certainly seems plausible. I won't ever really know though. I don't think it would have eliminated the RJ, but I suspect it would have been to a lesser degree.



DownByTheRiver said:


> I think women especially have trouble getting over their first love because they are just so naive at that point and they just keep thinking that the real person is the person who was nice to them and affectionate with them. It's really hard to accept that they're not who you hoped they would be, and unfortunately nearly all young people are going to be disappointing in the end because they're just too young.


My wife has pretty much confirmed what you are saying here. We've talked about this. He was her first love and at one point she really thought he was "the one". She was blind to all his faults. In hindsight she recognizes how many red flags there were, but she just didn't want to believe them. Even after the split and moved out she still thought the real him was good. I can't say for certain, but I think something happened when they had sex that last time that made her realize he wasn't who she thought he was and that she was foolish (probably naïve, as you said) thinking he was a good person. I'm just very glad we worked it out. I can't imagine being any happier in my marriage, family and life than I am now, so happily ever after.

On a side note, it was such a different time then. Since there were no cell phones, some of those red flags were finding out he was passing notes in school. The good old days, lol. Do high school kids even do that anymore?



DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm not even sure high school kids know how to use penmanship!
> 
> The thing is when people are that young, everything changes minute to minute. 24 hours seems like a year to teenagers. A lot can happen. Young people just are not cut out to be exclusive. And there's no reason they should be. Women that young think men love them just because they're nice to them during sex or making out. A lot of women and especially in my own generation who grew up on fairy tales and a lot of men too from that era really believe that there is that one that they are destined to be with.
> 
> And the first person they're real attracted to, they are determined that that is the destined one whether the person even likes them back or not! They truly can't understand why everything doesn't just fall into place if they catch feelings.
> 
> I'm sure there are some really sweet love stories when you're that young that are really special, but I don't many of them last. Being in love when you're young and naive and fully trusting and have faith that this is destiny, it's just a really big love, but it's just not reality.
> 
> Glad you two worked it all out. She was probably hoping for some sort of healing closure or remorse on his part when she went back that time, and I'm sure she would shoot herself in the foot before she'd humiliate herself that way again, because you know that's got to have been humiliating for her. But it helped her get over him and face reality.


I do get a sense of humiliation from her. It makes me sad when I sense that in her, which is why it doesn't come up much. We've put it to rest. I get no satisfaction out of her feeling that way even if I'm happy with the outcome.

Thank you DBTR and thank you @ConanHub for discussing this and giving me an opportunity to gain more insight into all of this. Its been very helpful in clarifying and further shaping my thoughts.


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## BigDaddyNY

Adding some more to my story.

Due to our house fire we have been sorting through a lot of stuff we haven't touched in many, many years. I came across all the notes and letters I gave to my wife. It is pretty amazing that she kept them. The letters were from early in our marriage when I was in the Army. The notes go all the way back to when we were dating and I was in high school. It was, let's say, interesting to read my thoughts and words from that early in our relationship. At first I just breezed over a couple, but now I've read through all of the high school notes and just wanted to capture some of my thoughts on them here. I think it is pretty cool to reflect on something from that point in our relationship.

When I met my wife it was the summer between my sophomore and junior year in high school. By the time I went back to school in Sept of 1987 we had been together for only 2 months or so. It was around that time our relationship become sexual. That was huge for me since she was my first, and only, sexual partner. I only put a date on one of the notes, so I have to take an educated guess on when they are from based on the content. They span from around Oct 1987 to Apr 1988, around months 3 to 9.

There are a lot of cringe worthy moments in those notes. I have to remind myself I was only 16 at the time. I can't believe how fast and how hard I fell for her. It also reinforces my appreciation for what she put up with from me. I forgot about a lot of the specifics from that time. It felt a little weird reading what was in my head back then. It is a little embarrassing to see me writing I love you, over and over. Just saying it every way possible. It felt smothering to me reading it now and the notes weren't even directed at me. At the same time though, I see some of the same mushy stuff I say to my wife now in those notes. I guess it worked, so why change, right? She loves that kind of stuff to this day.

It really reminded me how she was very slow to get over her ex and how very cautious she was about moving too fast into a new serious relationship. At about the 3 month mark she was still wearing her engagement ring! I talked about finally convincing her to take it off and by this time I was already professing my love for her, repeatedly, lol. I was badgering her a lot about saying I love you to me, then when she finally did I complained about her not saying it enough. I was always pressuring her to stay the night at my place and often apologizing about it the next day. Around the 6 month mark I put a ring on layaway and I must have told her about it. She thought it was way too soon for that, which generated another argument that I was apologizing for, but also explaining why I thought I was right. I assured her it was just pre engagement, lol. Really not all great stuff, but again I have to remember I was only 16 at the time.

Now the good. I knew she was the one, very early on. Or at least I thought she was the one and time seems to have proven me right. Even 3 months in, at only 16, I talked about going to see an air force recruiter. I mentioned that I talked to him about how I could bring her with me and that we would always be together forever. I always wanted to get out of our home town. About 2 years later I would be signed up for the Army and asking her to marry me. Speaking of that, I basically proposed to her, many times, in those notes. I didn't write, "will you marry me", but I did writing things like, "you want to marry me some day, right?" I actually predicted that we would be engaged prior to being together for 5 years. No idea where that number came from, lol. Throughout the notes I talk about wanting to have a good job and be a good husband. I told her I would make enough money so she wouldn't be stuck working her crappy job forever and could do something else she really enjoyed. Today it strikes me as obsessive, but at the same time I knew I was right. That we would be together forever. Those notes made it clear I wanted to be with her forever, we were going to get married and stand the test of time. I've always had that obsessive streak and it persists to today. I feel I've been very lucky to be able to direct that obsessive streak into achieving whatever goal I had. It has been a major contributor to success in my career, success in my hobbies and finding what I consider a nearly perfect lover, friend, mom and partner who is my wife. So here it seems like I am tackling some very mature topics at only 16. I was thinking about what I need to do to support a wife.

My wife and I read all these together. I felt it was a good experience for us to do this look back of 35 years to the start of our relationship. Once we read them all we spent some time talking about them and how we felt. At first my wife tended to focus on the bad. She was genuinely sorry for not wanting to stay over every night, lol. That is crazy. Back then she shared an apartment with a friend and worked full time. She had a life, and I know she just wanted some time on her own. She also saw the talk of arguments as very depressing. I told her I thought there was good and bad, but the big picture was positive and our success is proof that it couldn't have been all that bad. And we made love that night, so all was good.

About a month after the last note her apartment was burglarized by two guys that her roommate and a mutual friend were meeting up with through a dating chat line. This was back when OLD was talking on a phone in a group chat where you could go private. That spooked her roommate and she moved back with her parents. My wife couldn't afford a 2 bedroom apartment on her own and didn't have any leads on a new roommate. She had to find a new place to live. I convinced her and my parents that she should move in with me. So at 17 my 19 year old GF moved in to my room in my parents apartment. She paid my parents some token rent, but that was really at my wife's insistence. My mom just loved my future wife. Somehow she knew too. Which is incredible, since my mom met my wife for the first time when she came in my room and we were in bed together, lol WOW!. Not a really good first impression. At one point in early 1989 we broke up for about a week. My mom was ready to throw me out before her. We got back together and about 7 months later we were engaged and 6 months after that we were married and I was going to boot camp. 32+ years and we are still happily married.


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## BigDaddyNY

double post


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