# comin out of "shell"



## Lovinmyhubby (Sep 10, 2010)

Ok guys i jus recently married in april of 2010. Ive been sheltered all my life, was never able to go to parties, the mall w my friends, etc, my dad was very strict and i was depressed..i moved out at 18(im only 20 now) and im happily married..but my husband comes to me about somethn..there r certain things i jus never imagine myself doing..like one drinking a margarita or going to a strip club to "hang out"..these r some ideas he throws my way..we were jus talkin about diff stuff to do..in my mind, im apalled bcuz these arent anything i would ever do, but its somethin he wants to do with me and idk what to say to it...is it bcuz ive been sheltered n jus dont know how to let go or what???


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Well, I've been to a strip club and I can't say it was particularly interesting. Maybe it is for the guys, but I think I'd prefer to just stay at home, as I've no interest in seeing girls strutting around naked. Woopdie doo.

Having a drink, well, maybe you could try something a little lighter than a margarita to start with, like a midori and lemonade or a strawberry daiquiri or whatever looks yummy. Be open to his suggestions, but maybe tone them down a bit to suit your tastes. Instead of a strip club, why not a night club, or even the theatre or something. Honestly, I couldn't imagine many married couples going to 'hang out' in a strip club. That's just me though, and I definitely haven't been 'sheltered'. There's so much more you could do together that you'd find fun, instead of doing something that would make you feel uncomfortable and awkward.


----------



## CaptainMyCaptain (Sep 19, 2010)

Please tread very carefully. It sounds like you may have been raised as a Christian. If so, thank your parents and God for allowing you to live in a loving home. Do NOT fault your parents for protecting you, Thank them. 
I am married to a wonderful woman, this is our second marriage. She was raised in a Christian family, and sheltered. This didn't stop her from experimenting with a little alcohol, and sex, which she knew was wrong. She married at 22, for the main purpose of getting out of her families house, so she could be on her own. She married her first husband, thinking that everything would be fine. Soon into her marriage, he started getting her to drink, party, and probably do other things that I am not privy to. For 11 years she was married to someone that did everything he could to change her from being a good girl, to a bad girl. She turned to alcohol and prescription drugs to avoid the pain. They divorced, she continued to drown her feelings with pills, having sex outside of marriage, etc. 
We met, and she continued to live apart from God, despite her front to me that she is a Christian (which she IS, but wasn't living like one). Her deception eventually led to us breaking up. The break-up was short, about one month or so. We got back together, and now we are very happily married. 
PLEASE DO NOT make the mistake of following your husband down roads that are repulsive to you. You will be sorry. This doesn't mean that you married the wrong person, but that you should get him to change his ways, not the other way around. Please stand strong in your beliefs. If he were simply trying to get you to loosen up in the bedroom, try toys, etc. that would be one thing. Turning you onto alcohol, taking you to strip clubs, is entirely different. I don't intend to sound like a preacher, but Satan could be using your husband to get to you.


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

It could be that you were sheltered, or it could simply be that these are not things that interest you; either way there is nothing wrong with you. 

Everyone is different. Some people enjoy strip clubs, drinking, drugs, whatever. Others don't. If you don't, you don't. 

If you have no interest in those things with your husband, simply tell him so. If he loves you, he will understand and he will let the subject drop.


----------



## Quicksand (Sep 20, 2010)

atruckersgir said:


> Everyone is different. Some people enjoy strip clubs, drinking, drugs, whatever. Others don't. If you don't, you don't.
> 
> If you have no interest in those things with your husband, simply tell him so. If he loves you, he will understand and he will let the subject drop.


This exactly. You're who you are, he's who he is. You have some different tastes. There's nothing unusual about this. If you're happy and your marriage is working there's no problem. You don't need to try to change yourself to be someone you're not. For one thing, your husband probably wouldn't like it anyway. He fell for the girl you are, not the girl you'd try to make yourself to be


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

No, don't try to get your husband to change his ways. That will be disastrous because it could very well be that you married the wrong person. I don't know how anyone can rule that out as a possibility, even though their own example of a similar situation proves otherwise.

But, don't let him try to make you change either. There is nothing wrong with being worldly in moderation, but there's nothing wrong with being modest either. I grew up relatively sheltered although I was exposed to many things because I was rebellious. I began smoking weed as a teenager and having an occasional drink. When I was 19, I realized I didn't want to do any of that anymore. I decided I like who I am. Now at 50, I haven't had alcohol or marijuana since then. You decide who you are for yourself because it is not for your husband or anyone else to determine. Even if you decide to experiment, you will know if you like it or not. Just don't allow your husband to pressure you into doing anything or continuing anything.

A better question than whether or not to do as he asks is why he asks in the first place. If he wants to go to girlie bars, I think it's great that he's honest with you about it and that he wants to share that part of his life with you. However, it likely isn't something you will enjoy. If he wishes to be sexually exploratory, he can do so without being exploitative. A sex therapist, for example, can teach you both how to explore and enjoy each other. There are also teaching videos (not pornography) you both will enjoy. And there are other places to "hang out." It's possible he wants to expose you to sexual freedom to loosen you up to be more adventurous in the bedroom. Nothing wrong with that if you are open to it.

Whatever you decide to do, take the time to consider your comfort level. Don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable and even if you decide to try it once, don't repeat if you don't like it. Tell your husband not to pressure you.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

your 20, you cant drink let alone get into nude bars


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> your 20, you cant drink let alone get into nude bars


People are legal to do all that at 18 where I am


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

He may be moving too fast for you. BUT you guys are both so young. You have so much time to decide if you are comfy with this or that new experience. I would advise don't throw experimentation out all together. But experiment slowly. Decide to do things a little at a time. Maybe have a glass of wine in a lovely glass with a romantic dinner. (Tip for you, if you don't like it, you can bring the glass to your lips intermittently without even really drinking it. Wine should be sipped slowly.

Skip the strip clubs for now. Build trust with him by trying to advance in slow ways. Maybe try something that does not appall you but you might not otherwise have done. I don't know what that would be. Maybe a playful sexy costume. 

One thing I did to try to break out of my shell (many, many years ago. My shell is shattered to a gazillion pieces now) was a time I had to pick him up at the airport in the evening. It was cool, so I wore my long dress coat. Stockings and shoes. And earrings. No one had a CLUE. And it made my husband CRAZY knowing he had to keep his hands off until we got home. I was scared out of my mind. But it was worth it.

If he handles your trying to extend outside of your comfort zone a bit with enthusiasm AND patience and respect, you may have the building blocks of excellent trust. IF it causes him to push for more, more, more, you will, unfortunately have something of an answer as to the kind of man you married.

Good luck!


----------



## Lovinmyhubby (Sep 10, 2010)

good advice..but my parents werent christians until i turned 15.. lol and hes not trying to get my to change..he doesnt really drink, but on his 21st birthday he did and i wasnt comfortable cuz im not the drinking type..but he never pressures me to change or do anything, bcuz he said he understands..but both me and julian was in church heavily b4 the situation with my family got out of control...dad hates him bcuz he is mixed..so that aint so christianlike if u ask me..my husband was kicked out of church cuz of my dad..but then a week later the pastor invited him back.. u think my husband was finna go for that? Nope..ever since then he been heartbroken..but its just a matter of time b4 hes back bcuz God has a calling on his life thats to strong for him to ignore.. n i KNOW this, but i do need to loosen up, its jus difficult, my dad is controlling to me, my twin and my mother..didnt want us to have jobs etc wanted to control our lives to a "tee" and i couldnt take it no more n moved out at 18..looong story..if yall wanna hear the whole thing im down for explanations..but yeah..


----------

