# I need someone to talk to



## mistake50 (Sep 9, 2009)

Several years back I made a HUGE mistake. I had an affair. It went on for about a year and a half before the other woman decided that she wanted to have a child with her husband. We stopped the affair, she got pregnant (with her husband) went on maternity leave. After returning to work, we worked together, we were just friends for a while, but then it eventually started back up. My marriage was awful for many reasons at the time, but mostly because of this affair. I knew how wrong it was. I left my job and moved my family a couple of hours north and started my own company. I thought if I could just get away from this woman, I could heal my marriage. Although it took some time, and I made the mistake of visiting early on, eventually it was over for good. I was so releaved. My wife and I have rebuilt our life. I would NEVER do anything to hurt her again. We are the couple that we used to be, the one that makes you sick because we get along so well. 

About 9 months ago the woman's husband found out about our affair by finding some old cell phone records. He has called me and emailed me at least once per week over the past 9 months. I have answered all of his questions (she is still trying to deny the specifics). He says that he isn't going to tell my wife, he just wants help to decide what to do with his marriage. 

My wife suspected something, but I never admited it and she didn't directly ask the question, just hints. When I bring up how terrible I was "back then", she just says, that's the past and she is glad that we are who we are today.

I'm terrified that this man is going to send my wife the horrific details of this affair and destroy what we have today. Am I an idiot for not telling my wife myself? Or is that just a way to take this burden off of me and dump it on her?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

mistake50 said:


> I'm terrified that this man is going to send my wife the horrific details of this affair and destroy what we have today. Am I an idiot for not telling my wife myself?


so your wife does not know about the affair?
do you think her knowing the sorrid details would change anything?


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## mistake50 (Sep 9, 2009)

preso said:


> so your wife does not know about the affair?
> do you think her knowing the sorrid details would change anything?


No, she doesn't know. I don't think that she would leave me, but I have to think it would be terribly painful. I know that if I found out that she had an affair back then, I would NOT leave her, but ti would hurt like hell.


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## mistake50 (Sep 9, 2009)

kaylar said:


> You've already defined that time in your marriage...
> 
> _I bring up how terrible I was "back then", she just says, that's the past and she is glad that we are who we are today._
> 
> ...


I guess you could say he is already blackmailing me. "tell me what happened or I tell your wife what I already know".... He also says that his attorney is going to call me to testify if they divorce, anyone know if he can do that?


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

kaylar said:


> You see, this poor slob is hurting and he wants to
> spread the pain.


You refer to the cheated on husband as a "poor slob?" Why?

Of course he is hurting, just as much as anyone else who has been betrayed hurts. Instead of calling a betrayed spouse names, I would have nothing but understanding and compassion for him. 

Since I have been betrayed in the past by a former spouse and again by my present one, I can tell you it is one of the most devestating things that a person can endure.


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## KeepLoveAlive (Sep 7, 2009)

I agree that at this point you may want to let him know you are done speaking to him. 

Tell him you apologize your part in the pain you have caused him, let him know there isn't anything more you can tell him that will help his divorce and now he needs to stop contacting you.

He is hurt and lashing out at you.

As for your wife, I agree, at this point she doesn't want to know and just wants to focus on the present. If this guy goes through with his threat, you will have to clean up the mess. More than likely he won't if you apologize and acknowledge his pain.

Don't beg. Be strong, firm and empathetic. And keep it short.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Ask your wife if she wants to know more about that time. Let it be up to her. But yes, I think this guy is terribly upset and he's dangerous to your marriage.


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

Dobo, you say and I quote:


> I'm terrified that this man is going to send my wife the horrific details of this affair and destroy what we have today. Am I an idiot for not telling my wife myself? Or is that just a way to take this burden off of me and dump it on her?


I hope you really have learned a lesson and to value your wife and your marriage and it sounds like you do love her, thus do not wish to further hurt her.

You can't change your past actions. If I were you, I would go ahead and tell your wife before OW's husband does. It would look a whole lot better for you to be honest with your wife, as unfortunately these bad choices often come back to haunt you, sometimes when you least expect it.

It is ultimately your choice, as this is just my opinion.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I agree with fool - BUT - you should have told her a long time ago. Now, at this juncture, I would not do it. I'll tell you why I think it would be a bad idea now. If you read my othere posts you will see that I all about coming clean with your spouse about an affair. It will hurt like hell at first but at least you can work it out and move on with your marriage. Now, you have a real problem. You see if you tell her now, you will have to tell her about the threatening husband - if you don't and he contacts her, you are in deep sh**t for lying or withholding on her once again. So, what will she think besides possibly being extremely hurt? She will think that you told her now not becuase of your love and trust for her but becuase you were afraid that she was going to find out through this other guys so you did not have a choice but to tell her. She will feel even more deceived and pained. This is the reason I most strongly believe that these things need to come out in the open as soon as you decide to work on your marriage. Now, you have may have a real problem on your hands. I just don't know what to tell you to get out of this one. I am sorry you are faced with this but as other poster have said, you sow what you reap.


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## blindsided (Nov 29, 2008)

You raise a difficult question. After my husband confessed his affair to me, I used to wonder at times if I would have preferred he never told me, since it was undoubtedly the most painful experience I have ever been through. 

I finally realized that the affair was a "wake-up" call for BOTH of us.....we were that same couple you talked about, never fight, truly loved each other, married a long time. I can tell you this from my woman's perspective:

1. I'm not sure we would have been able to move on and work on our marriage/relationship as well as we did if I had "caught him" instead of him confessing......and if the other man tells her, than means you "got caught".

2. After the initial pain, the two of you can start opening up to each other about reasons why you might have strayed.......and try to work on those things. I'm not at fault for my husband's affair by any means....but in the hectic scheme of our lives, we let our marriage sort of slip onto the back burner. If we had never talked about the things we felt were lacking, how could we ever begin to address them and fix them? I was dumbfounded when my husband expressed feelings to me I never suspected in a million years.....like feeling left out of our family because of the long hours he worked, like he wasn't needed because we always had to do everything without him, etc. I never would have known those things, and could not have changed some of the things I do to help him feel differently.

3. If the other man had never found out, it might have been best to let it go.....but I don't think so now. Just my humble woman's opinion.


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## still reeling (Jul 17, 2009)

I think that you should tell her. Inevitably she is going to find out and if it doesn't come from you directly, it is going to be so much harder coming from someone else. She will of course think the only reason you told her was because of him calling but lets face it, there is no dressing this up and making it prettier than it is. I could not imagine coming home one day and the betrayed husband standing on my doorstep, or calling whatever, to tell me that my H had an affair with his wife. I don't know if I could forgive my H for that. Not just the pain but the humiliation of it all. 

If you tell her then you can tell him that she now knows everything and she hopefully won't be brought into this mess anymore than she has to be already. Do the right thing, what you should have had the "*****" to do "back then" and tell her the truth. She deserves it and while you may think she doesn't want to know it is in the past - she is probably scared to death to know the truth. Believe me I have been there, suspected and when I finally learned the truth, it was a huge weight lifted because all of my suspicions were finally laid to rest and I could move on. I really wasn't going crazy like I felt most days "back then". This is your decision, just giving another opinion from someone who has been there.


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

Mistake50, you have been given some good advice to "fess up." I believe honesty always wins, in the end, and your case is no exception. It will undoubtedly be painful, but afterall, you made the choice to cheat.

I am not attempting to be mean, but I do think honesty is the best policy. I'm not saying it will be easy, but at least the cards will be on the table.

It has been a long time since this all happened and if you are truly sorry and want things to be right, then you must confess the truth. It will be a load off your chest.

*Hypothetical Question* - Would you want to know, if the situation were reversed?

JMHO - Of course - and Good Luck!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I would come clean, but definitely go to marriage counseling. Funny thing about the truth and loved ones-We demand the truth, but then when we get it, we find ourselves wishing we had never known. But if you do confess, mention about the possibility of the blackmail.
And as far as being called to testify, I'd put my mind to rest for that. Even the best divorce attorneys are EXTREMELY reluctant to use infidelity as grounds-burden of proof and all that.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

This is underhanded, but the next time tell him. "To tell you the truth if things fell apart between you and her and me and my wife, I would have probably married your wife. This should keep him from calling your wife. He will not want to drive you two together.


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