# i left and its horrible



## CharlieBrown (May 10, 2011)

My wife and I need break. I guess I am too consumed with working on fixing things that we are now both exhausted. So I got a hotel room for a week so we can breath and get emotional rested. Hurts hard. She is at home with our boys and I'm alone. I feel weak right now that everyday a part is just one step closer to the end. I am just having a very hard time letting go of my past hurt and when we are together I just seem to make it worse. This is so hard. All I do is sleep and figure out how I am to possibly face living with what I call my soulmate.
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## Dominion (May 16, 2011)

I'm in no place to offer you advice. I'm too confused to know the answer, but I will offer you this. It sounds like depression is taking control and I think you must heal yourself before you can heal your marriage. Two of you will have to heal your marriage if it is to be healed but only you can heal you. I think you must be well first before there is any hope for your marriage. When you are completely well the picture of your life will become clearer.


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

So true! I thought I would never see that clear picture with my situation. I finally got myself out of that funk and feel great about moving forward with the divorce. My wife checked out and I was de vested for month not knowing why or how. Now I have my life back and feel great about myself again. Believe me, I have spent more than eight hours a day reading on here since November and it has helped me so much. So get yourself healed before you try to work it out so you can be productive. Good luck!
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## CharlieBrown (May 10, 2011)

Thanks for the words peeps. It is hard, but so many on here have fought their way through, I know it can be done.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

Each day gets easier and easier. Especially when you begin to accept that fact that this is the only solution there is left.

I haven't been following your plight, but I assume you still married and not divorced yet?

Regardless, there's always a chance for reconciliation. However before that can happen with the situation as bad as it had gotten, something drastic had to happen. In this case you left.

In my case, my wife wanted to go ahead with the divorce. After I moved, I stopped communicating with her. No phone calls, no emails ...etc. Now that we are divorced and I've stopped all communication, she keeps checking up on me. She's been trying to find different excuses to come over.

One time, it was to walk the dog. Another time was to bring me a tax refund check which she could have mailed or deposited under my name at the bank. 

The other day, she said that I had left things in her house and she wanted to stop by and bring them over.

When she got here, she had a paper bag with ONE can of dog food and a rubber thingy that neither one of us knows where it belongs. What the hey?

I told my mail person and my neighbor and both said that she was checking up on me. LOL

So you never know. Funny thing is, I'm unsure of where I want this thing to go. Mostly, I want to be left alone for a while.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

CharlieB,

Stop trying to fix things, except yourself, at the moment. As far as the wife, do the 180 on her and keep it that way.

Maybe you don't understand this logic, so I will explain....

Chasing a woman never works. Chasing makes you look needy and pathetic, so when you think your trying to fix...your actually sabotaging your chances. 

As far as working on yourself.....ask yourself this. Why did your wife fall in love with you in the first place? Because you were you, of course. But somewhere during your marriage, maybe you lost who you "were", and became somebody else. Maybe too insecure. Maybe too needy. Or maybe you put your wife on a pedestal, gave her anything she wanted, but forgot you and your boundaries in the process. It doesn't really matter. Just remember that it was you she fell in love with.

So...work on you. Find yourself again. Become that man again that any woman would want to be with. Bring up your A game again. Roar like a freaking lion! Be the man again! Rediscover your boundaries. Rediscover what you are. 

You can't "make" someone fall back in love with you. But...if you find your inner strength again, become the A Gamer, then maybe she will realize what she is throwing away. Plus, once you go on that journey of finding you again...you would be surprised at what strength of character resurfaces again. Feeling down and lost? FK it! You are your own man, and you are in control of your own destiny! Feeling weak! No fkn way! Your the A gamer, and you can do anything again! This kind of character you will find again. And your wife will see the changes.

THEN you can work on the reconciliation like it's supposed to be...both of you working together.
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## luvlost09 (May 15, 2011)

Wow. Your situation sounds just like mine. I've got the wife's perspective on it though. Our marriage has big, big problems. And, like you, my husband always wanted to talk about it. I didn't because we just ended up fighting. I was ok with pretending everything was ok for the time being. He wasn't. Now, he's staying with a friend and I got our 2 girls. Are you still in love with your wife? Of course you love her, but I think that there's a difference. I'm still madly in love with my husband. And living life without him is hell. I just can't fathom how if 2 people love eachother so much, why can't they make a marriage work? Are you asking yourself the same question? It's so confusing. We thought a seperation would help for some reason, I'm still not sure why. But when we were together we'd fight. 
What's your plans for after your week in the hotel? Are you going to try to go back home?


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## CharlieBrown (May 10, 2011)

LuvLost, I am very much IN love with my wife. Like you, cant imagine life without her. Heck, we were 17 and 19 when married and are now 43 and 45. Its all I know. Its all I WANT to know. My plans are to come back home Friday night, I actually had dinner there last night and spent some quality time with my kids and my wife. It seems that if somehow I manage to get over my hurt without expressing it to her, she feels better, but then again, am I doing what I have always done, let it go because the thought of losing her is too much? I find these forums useful, as we all have similar problems. Its also nice to hear from a womans perspective. I have worked real hard on my self-esteem and making sure I know who I am, but who I am is being the person that has a soul-mate, my wife. But, also realize that the time to heal the wounds, is what worries me the most. I just want to wake up to a quick fix and thats not going to happen. I cant imagine EVER loving another woman as much as I love my wife. We just have to keep communication going. Tonight is MC night and I did agree to stay away completely for the next few days, as it seems the days following our MC, are the worst, because I want to continue talking and she is all talked out. Thanks for listening and keep the communication going here. IT really seems to help everyone.


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## onepotatotwo (May 17, 2011)

It's ok to be talked out...talk here so you don't overwhelm your wife. 
I can see how badly you want things to work out... Have you expressed this to your wife in a way she can understand? Have you been able to articulate this to her like you've done here?


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## CharlieBrown (May 10, 2011)

onepotatotwo said:


> It's ok to be talked out...talk here so you don't overwhelm your wife.
> I can see how badly you want things to work out... Have you expressed this to your wife in a way she can understand? Have you been able to articulate this to her like you've done here?


I have talked to her a lot. I know she loves me too. She has grave concerns about our financial situation and my not so good spending habits. I hear and understand her concerns and she is happy when we work on finances together now. But my problem of getting over her EA IS TOUGH FOR ME AND though I know there is more she isn't telling me. I know its hard for her to tell me. She just thinks I should forgive and forget but its so hard to do so. I hope she can just drop these male friends as easily as she says. Weird thing is. With everything going on our sex life is very strong. We have so much invested but not real sure what to do. I thinks is having a mid life crisis bit I just need to wait and see. These forums help as there are really good people here going through the same type of problems
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## onepotatotwo (May 17, 2011)

Oh that's got to be tough for you...the EA  
I hear where you're coming from because I know it's hard for me with my H and he didn't go that far, but he did betray my trust in a way that hurt as deeply as an EA. 
Have you considered that your wife might have some kind of sexual addiction or something? My exH had something like that which was part of why we divorced...he couldn't live without the outside relationships even if they weren't actually engaging in sex--he had a huge narcissistic problem that he fed by getting women outside our marriage...helped boost his ego but fed the narcissism--a vicious circle. Maybe your wife has something like that? 
It sounds though like you love her dearly and she is lucky to have you. I hope things work out the way you want.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> Maybe you don't understand this logic, so I will explain....
> 
> *Chasing a woman never works. Chasing makes you look needy and pathetic, so when you think your trying to fix...your actually sabotaging your chances. *


Quote of the day.

And it's not gender-specific either.

Chasing ANYONE never works.


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## CharlieBrown (May 10, 2011)

Ok, I have been living in a hotel for almost a week now. My wife who 8 weeks ago asked for a separation now wants to try and move foward and see if we can make the marriage work. Ok, sounds great. However, after being gone for about 5 days, my brain feels stuck. I know I want to go back home and work it out, but something in my head is saying. "Are you sure this is what you want." I have no idea as to why, but when I try to think about why I wouldnt want to go back home, its like a wheel in my head is stuck and I cant think anything. I learned a new word today and It may be whats wrong, but have no idea what I am to do. Maybe its a sign that for whatever reason, Im not ready yet? Though, to me, it seems like the longer I think about it, the more risk I take that she wont continue to want me back. Where does a person go from here? Oh, the new word I learned was: Ambivalence.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> Where does a person go from here?


 My vote is honor your vows even when they are difficult. Till death do us part isn't easy. Go try to work it out. If something explodes from there, act on that.

I agree with other posters. Chasing doesn't fix things.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

God, what do you do about the extended families and friends that broke with this if you MIGHT even consider reconciling? Should that take a back seat, because I think that is another variable in my situation. What about you CB. Your situation is very similar to mine except our relationship is just about 5 of years longer than yours. Which seems to me, that you have also built up relationships with your in-laws and friends, and what about children. I mean, I am thinking that if your situation is like mine that you have to not only deal with you and your W but how do you mend the other parts of the family. Or at this point, does that take a back seat to your marriage. I find that when the topic of divorce is set into motion, everything starts spiraling out of control and all those things are just more issues that put the nail in the coffin. It's like, if you have a big family and a long history together, the word divorce is like a weapon of mass destruction; all the cards are stacked against you - you can't survive it.

I would really like to get the other folks on here thoughts on this.


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