# Even Before the 12th Year, It Was Over....



## nofairytales (Oct 23, 2010)

Hello Everyone,

Apologies for not first introducing myself, but I have a more than a bit that I need to say and as you can tell from the time, its almost 5am (now after 6). I'm up. I'm sad. I'm alone in my bed. I'm ready to change my situation.

I've been married for just over 12 years now. I am my husband's 2nd wife. We don't have kids together. He has 2 from his previous marriage. I have 1 son from a relationship 2 years before even meeting my husband.

From the beginning we had issues. We were very good friends and I know now that we should have remained so, but we were also attracted to one another and I thought that the foundation of our friendship would be enough to carry a long term closer relationship.

I saw right away that he was not quite over his ex-wife and broke up with him allowing to take whatever time he needed to decide what he wanted and just live his life. I even moved on and dated someone else, yet my husband came back into my life acting very serious about us being together. He said all the right things and did the right things to show he wanted to be with me. Fine, we get back together, eventually marry... problems return along with new stuff.

From the very beginning, when it came to his kids and his previous relationships with their mother's side of the family including their mother, I was always left out or not told what was going on. He would do things for not only the kids, but their grandmother, grandfather (before he passed away), and for his ex as well. I was never invited when functions would go down and he would always frame it as "going to see the kids". He would give them money for whatever reason outside of the regular monthly child support, but I would never know what was happening. I would just see debits out of our joint account.

This eventually led to me deciding to have my own separate account so I could at least know that what I had in it wasn't suddenly going to decrease. He always had his own account separate from our joint one.

Please let me state, I am not mad at him taking care of his children. This was one of the qualities that endeared me to him. I have no respect for deadbeat fathers. What bothers me is that as his wife, I believe in communication into what is going on. It certainly doesn't help that the ex feels no need to communicate with me whatsoever. We have never had a conversation longer than 2 minutes and she has no qualms in straight up ignoring me or making sure I stay out of a situation. 

I brought this up to him several times throughout our marriage and he has let it continue to this day. He doesn't see a problem with any of it. He pretends like he told me about something he is doing for the children, but only when I find out does he actually say something. His latest is signing over his GI Bill to his daughter for her college expenses. The thing is, its waaaaaaayy more money then she will actually need for school and I heard him clearly state for her to make sure to give some to her mother so that she do blah, blah, blah because she's so stressed blah, blah, blah. I only found out about the money because some mail came for him just before he came back home from serving and he wanted me to look through mail in case I missed some bill. He never revealed that he was doing this to me. He still thinks I don't know.

This is all very admirable in a man... so why am I upset and ready to divorce???

Contrast our marriage. He has always expected me to be independent and handle my own business. I made more money than him for most of our marriage, so he equated financial stability with no-need-to-support-you. He wasn't interested in building a relationship with my son, something I actually missed because my son was living with his father for a time (due to my traveling for my job at the time) before my husband and I got married. So my son wasn't around in my life on a regular basis while he and I were engaged. It wasn't until I stopped traveling so much (about 2 years into the marriage) that I really noticed these issues actually.

It became apparent that when it came to my son and my family, he simply did not care. He never volunteered to go see my family to visit. Never called. Only spoke to them if they happened to call and he picked up the phone. The convo would last all of 2 minutes before he was handing the phone off to me. 

When the kids came over to visit and I wanted to be sure they cleaned their room and went to bed by a certain time, I caught flack. When they first started to socialize with my son, they didn't like him because he was younger than them and my husband was fine with them shunning him, teasing him, and ignoring him. 

When it came to us specifically, he was a homebody who expected a traditional wife. I never presented myself as such a woman to him. He knew this beforehand. I cooked and cleaned and took care of bills and errands, but I was not going to do things all by myself with no help, especially with the hours I worked. 

Even with the money we made, he rarely wanted to go on a trip. I like to travel, one of the reasons why I had a traveling job for a while. It was nice to travel on corporate money. He only wanted to go on 2-3 day road trips like if he was gone too long or too far away something terrible would happen and even those would only be once a year if that. 

He never showed interest in planning for a real future together. We had decided early on that we didn't want more children, so I guess we never had any kind of bond to hold us together. When he spoke of retirement, he spoke only of himself. Never of us both. He doesn't even mention his future plans now. Just that he had things he wants to do. Never us, just him. 

When we went through financial difficulties that caused us to eventually lose our home and have to move into his mother's apartment building as renters, the problems only escalated. I laid out a plan that would get us back to home ownership, but he felt obligated now to stay to continue to help his mother with rent money. The building is not in the safest neighborhood. The building itself is old and not well kept and his brother is lazy about doing work around the place. I volunteered to help pay for certain necessary expenses, but they were turned down by his mother. Yet, whenever something goes wrong, there's this bootleg way of resolving issues, ie, cutting corners to go the cheap route and no hesitation to ask my husband for money to help with this or that. I don't want to give any more details, but we've been here 7 years now - 6 years too long.

I've given him the best years of my life. My youthful years. All of that is gone now, wasted. I was diagnosed with a brain tumor back in 2007 and not once has he gone with me on an appointment to the doctor or for tests. He couldn't even tell you what kind of tumor it is. When I first told him about it, he told me to get over it. Seriously. That's what he said. This sent me into a depression that only grew worse because that same year and time he was breaking his neck to do everything he could for his daughter to go away to college for her first year even using MY SUV to move her things to the school. I didn't even get a hug of compassion.

I won't even get into lack of affection, lack of respect, lack of consideration, but I better not try to say I don't want to have sex with him. The tumor causes me to get tired at the most unpredictable times because of hormone imbalance. I can go day just fine then - BAM - I get weak and need to sleep for 10-12 hours. I have medicine helping, but its a slow process. This leads me to be unable to hold a regular 9 to 5. He saw this as me being lazy - the corporate go-getter/entrepreneur is now LAZY! I am done with corporate BS, not lazy! I started my own business at home that has been running well for over a year now and continues to grow.

Our one year apart while he was serving in Iraq was the best year of our marriage and even then he still managed to chastise me through emails and instant messenger. I learned about his "secret" finances while he was away because I was the only one that could deal with them. It was painful to learn all of these things, but it only showed me that we may be married but we are just not together.

He's been home for over a month and we have yet to sleep in the same bed together. At first, I understood the excuse of readjusting to the time difference and not wanting to disturb me. All his old ways are back. He claims that being over there has given him a new appreciation for life and those close to him. Yet, we are only further apart. He has given money to everyone around. I asked him to help me move into a new office space that I found and he gave me the usual twisted face of "you just trying to take my money". But he's mad that I have inventory all across this small apartment.

I'm tired. I stayed 7-8 years too long in this marriage trying to make it work. I supported him many times over and sucked up not having a car while he was away and having to borrow a car to take care of his business. I wasn't even important enough to be sure I was taken care of before he left. We could have lost all our health benefits and did lose the dental and vision. It was only divine intervention that the medical remained in tack. he refused to give me POA over his affairs to discuss the matter, so there was nothing that could be done. He didn't trust me with it.

I know this is long... sorry for that.... I guess I needed to type it out. There's more that I missed, but this is the gist.

My mind is made up. I need to divorce, but I am not financially able to afford an attorney. I will need some monthly maintenance until the business is big enough to support me regularly - I split with a partner, so I only get half right now. Any other advice that other may have is welcome. I could support a small rent, but rents here are very high. I considered leaving this city, but again, that's more money. 

Help and direction needed please.... thank you so very much!


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

It sounds as if his real family is still his ex-wife and children. What he did about his GI Bill is incomprehensible. As man and wife, your assets belong to both of you, not just him and not just you. To not talk with you ahead of time, and to make sure the ex-wife has money and not even considering if you would need any shows me that you simply don't count.

Let him know what you are planning to do and why you are planning on doing it. As far as affording an attorney, it doesn't cost much to get a legal separation until you can sort through your finances.


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## nofairytales (Oct 23, 2010)

Thank you HappyHer for your reply. The GI Bill was the last straw for me. I've expressed my desire to move and grow my business for months now. I thought our time apart would help us come together again, but it only served for him to go above and way beyond for everyone else. I see in re-reading what I wrote that I forgot to mention that the ex-wife is also remarried, on her 3rd husband actually, but anyway...

In your response, you said that I should tell him what I am doing concerning getting the legal separation and why. This was my thought originally, but others that I know and from reading around the 'net stated that I shouldn't do this, especially if I am not in a place where I can move out right away. Now I don't care about emotional backlash. He really can't affect me anymore than he already has - I'm pretty numb at this point. However, is there some harm that could come legally from doing this? Is it like giving him a warning to try to hide his assets... I still don't know about all of his actual employment benefits, savings, retirement, pension, etc.

Thank you again.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

Your situation is so heartbreaking and I'm sorry that you didn't have a shoulder to lean on when so much went wrong. Given your situation, I certainly understand the rationale of not telling him until you are ready to move. I'd also recommend learning as much as you can about the specific details of his accounts and benefits. You were used, and this might help you financially as you put your life back together.

My brother was much younger than his wife, and she had two children when they married, each from different marriages. He wanted to be there for them, but his wife seemed to resent his approach to parenting. He is a hard worker, and was trying to motivate them to succeed by expecting good grades. Sad part is that neither finished high school. Point is, your husband could have been a significant motivator in your son's life, but he completely missed the opportunity.

Hopefully, others can provide advice on your next steps from a legal perspective. If you choose not to tell him, I think your determination to move in a specific direction can still help you to begin growing. You were a corporate success, and a business self-starter. The sky is the limit for the future, especially if you try to look at ways to let this make you a better person (I lived on the streets for a while as a kid, so my words are not empty). Your words sound like someone who has the tendency to try to let it make you better instead of bitter.


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## nofairytales (Oct 23, 2010)

Thank you takris for the response. After reading around the forum a little more, I was reminded that I needed to make copies of documents and statements and such. So I spent the past hour or so doing that since he is not home now. I also went through his emails originally to grab military benefit information when I saw numerous email communication between him and his ex. They started with that same pattern where its originally something for the kids, but quickly turns into more. These were all while he was away. I printed off everything. Even where he states he's going to lunch with her and picking her up from work - more than once and all this other sweet talk, even flirting sexually. I always knew, even though he would deny it. Now its in black and white.

I am considering playing hard ball with him because now I don't want to wait to save up enough money. I don't even know what I'm going to do when he comes back home later on. He has over $15K liquid plus mutual funds, pension stuff from the military, etc. We have $2K in our joint account. I could take some money from my business, but I just had a set back on an import shipment that was accidentally returned after clearance and I need to replenish that lost money and re-order to replace the shipment.

Honestly, I just want him to pay for me to move out. I can move forward from there, I just need help initially to move myself and my inventory. Thankfully the business is an online business, but still even this disruption will cause some issues. I'm willing to live with that minor thing compared to everything else.

Anyway, again, what should I do? I was this close to smashing his laptop in anger, but I calmed down. I am nobody's fool, and this is getting to be too much.... all was so much more peaceful while he was away. I want that again.

Thanks for having this forum for people like me.


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## nofairytales (Oct 23, 2010)

Ok, well, I did let him know that I knew about everything that was going on with him and his ex. He gave some half excuse/denial that I really didn't hear because I needed to go out and conduct a business transaction before the day was done. He really couldn't say anything that would make it better at that point for me anyway. When I came back he was in his own world watching TV.

I wasn't going to say anything more, but he started talking to me like everything was right as rain - asking questions as a way for me to answer him, so I will speak to him. Its a common tactic with him. He's the kind of person who once he says something, especially in anger, he's done with it. He feels better and is ready to move on. Like a regular Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde kind of thing. So he assumes that I am the same way. He doesn't want to really talk about anything that is going to involve some serious work - at least not with me.

I've told him twice now to leave and go be with her, but he keeps saying that its not like that. I tell him that "oh, its because she's married too, right? Don't let that stop ya!" I don't lie to him when I'm going to see my son's father's side of the family or doing things for my son or picking him up for the weekend. They have been more than open in welcoming him to family functions and inquire about him all the time. I go there weekly/bi-weekly now since we have a car again (another story, smh) and because my son is going to high school out there - much better and much safer environment all around for my son. When I didn't have a car, they would drive my son to me so we could spend time together. I am grateful for such wonderful people as my son's family. I don't see my son's father because he lives in ATL now, but even when he was here, we weren't making secret plans and he wasn't blowing up my email or sending texts on my cell phone. My son's father and I have known each other since high school and we will always be friends, but he was respectful of my marriage from day one. We'll never be because we grew to have different outlooks on life. If I wanted to be with him, my opportunity was way before I ever met my husband. It's just so different on my side of the coin when dealing with familial relationships, I really think that maybe I'm the crazy one sometimes.

IDK.... Since my husband's so unattached to everything going on with us, I think I will approach him with just helping me move out. He keeps claiming he is not a bad person and doing the right things, etc, so I'm going to put it to the test. Not sure this is the right decision (approaching him with this proposal, I mean), but I'm going to at least try. If it doesn't go well then either way I'm still calling some type of legal assistance on Monday. I'm not dumb. Once I have access to correct information, I can pretty much do paperwork stuff on my own.

I really hope this works....

Again any words of wisdom are very much welcome


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am so sorry honey. This sounds like you are in quite a spot. Is he still in the military, or is he out now??

The only spot I will disagree with, is the GI Bill. It is earned and paid into that first year, and you get an increase for the years you serve. I am a true believer that if you earn it you should do with it as you please. I am not saying he wasn't weird about making sure his daughter gave money to his ex ( that in itself is odd) but I do think that this would be the one point of them all that is honestly his sould decision. I have my own GI Bill and my H has his own, if he wanted to give his to his daughter from before we were married, I really wouldn't get in the middle, I feel it is something that each soldier has earned the right to use as wanted. 

The other money issues make me wonder why he got married. You sound like a very intelligent and self sustaining woman, I am not sure why he would be so odd about money. I do think you should move out and present him with the issues you have, get some space for yourself. Do you have a support system for your medical issues?? Family and whatnot??


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## nofairytales (Oct 23, 2010)

Hello Dawn, thank you so much for your response. I do respect that he can do what he wants with his GI Bill and I agree with this. I know its for education and so forth. I didn't expect to see a dime of it and it wasn't even on my mind to be honest. It is not the money of the GI Bill being given to his daughter that upsets me. I think that is admirable. Its that he continues to not communicate with me on anything that he does or gets ready to do for his children until after the fact (if I find out) or just not at all. I never got close to them when I actually wanted to. I'm always just shut out. His ex can disrupt our world at the drop of a dime. I've had a few birthdays interrupted thanks to a "sudden" emergency. He refuses to set some limits or at least show me enough respect to make sure I am respected. What really gets to me is his continually doing things for his children, his ex, his ex's family (his mom, sister, and so forth also) readily and freely, but when it comes to me, my son, my Mom, my father (don't let me even think about the whole situation with my father before he passed away ), he gets the twisted face and may or may not do anything. This has been an ongoing pattern throughout our 12 year marriage.

To answer your question, Looking back in retrospect, I think he got married because he learned that his ex had married in secret and was pregnant with that man's child. She had gained a lot of weight but didn't show like she was pregnant or would hide herself when he would get the kids from their grandparents' house. I had naively believed that he was over her when now I see I was just a substitute companion so he wouldn't be lonely. I think I lasted so long because I had my own life going with work and family, friends to hang out with and so forth. Once our financial troubles hit about the 5th year or so of marriage and many things had to change, that's when issues that had already been around were starting to affect us even more. I really tried to talk to him about these things but its not until I actually do something totally out of character to get his attention (ie breaking up, yelling, going on a last minute trip alone) that he suddenly listens and even after all of that - there may be a brief change and then things go right back to how they were. Another cyclical pattern that has made me weary as well.

Since I am self-employed, I don't have any health insurance on my own, if that is what you are asking. Psychologically and emotionally, I try not to let it bother me because its not debilitating, just inconvenient. I spoke about it with friends and family back when I first learned about it and again when I was forced to start taking medicine because of the hormonal effects it was suddenly having on me. Trust, this marriage is having way more effects on me then the tumor itself. I was virtually headache free while he was gone. They have since returned and my doctor needed to increase my dosage.

Today, I am going to figure out a move out plan, look for reasonable places in a decent neighborhood, and see from there. I admit that I am scared a little with all of this, but I know its the right thing for me to do for my peace of mind.


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