# Wife intrigued by cosmetic surgery, I had no idea her self image was so bad



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Recently my wife and I attended a charity ball and at the event there were a lot of other secondary ways to raise money. One of them was a raffle. I thought about buying a ticket but then I realized that all the top prizes were cosmetic procedures. The top prize was a mommy makeover consisting of a tummy tuck and a breast lift.

I was surprised that my my wife urged me to buy a ticket. She said that having three kids have taken a toll on her body and that no matter how much she works out she can't get her tummy flat like it used to be. I told her that she was beautiful to me and reminded her that she still gets hit on occasionally. This didn't seem to make her feel better. She acknowledged that she thought about surgery from time to time.

Regarding fitness she is training for a marathon and she occasionally works out with a group of cross fit moms so there really isn't anything else she can do to dramatically change her post child birth body.

My question is how can I help her improve her self image? Also, why isn't it good enough for her that I think she is perfectly fine. I don't ever see myself agreeing to her having surgery. Its too risky for something that isn't meant to be for a major health issue. Why would I risk losing my wife for an elective procedure.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I totally agree with you, and have a hard time fathoming why so many people go under the knife for major cosmetic procedures, but I have a feeling we're in the minority. The pressure put on women to look like supermodels hasn't lessened in the last few years, unfortunately. A couple of people I know recently had a friendly debate about circumcision, and one of them actually had no problem having her own body cut for plastic surgery, but was vehemently opposed to circumcision which she called a form of mutilation. :scratchhead:

Anyway, your wife is probably just like most other women, including myself, who just feel imperfect/fat/ugly a lot of the time. It has nothing to do with you. You did what you could by reinforcing how perfect you think she already is.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Anyway, your wife is probably just like most other women, including myself, who just feel imperfect/fat/ugly a lot of the time. It has nothing to do with you. You did what you could by reinforcing how perfect you think she already is.


You make a good point. I guess I just didn't know her self image was to the point of contemplating surgery as an option. I guess there isn't anything I can do to make her feel better.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ReformedHubby said:


> My question is how can I help her improve her self image? Also, why isn't it good enough for her that I think she is perfectly fine. * I don't ever see myself agreeing to her having surgery. Its too risky for something that isn't meant to be for a major health issue. Why would I risk losing my wife for an elective procedure.*


My husband feels exactly as you describe...Having had 6 C-sections, the stomach is quite battle scarred ...a youthful flatness will never be again...I've contemplated a Tummy Tuck myself.. he forbids it.. it's one of those times ...I'm not going to persuade him on this one.....there is nothing to warrant the smallest risk.. 

I know that he loves me the way I am... and for this... it's caused me to pause/ shut up about it.... it speaks the highest of care and loving priorities really....Your attitude & his..*it's the Best you can give to your wives*...... with him, it just doesn't matter....If he died on me... however..enter dating world... I'd have an insecurity about it... that's just the way it IS... 

Your loving your wife just the way YOU DO.. even if she doesn't say anything.. this is still music to her ears...there is "reassurance" in that... 

If you was the one pushing her to get the cosmetic surgery.. now that would be very hurtful to any woman's self image..her feeling she is "not enough".... Imagine the wives whose husbands are pushing for bigger boobs...kinda sad really.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

My breast were not terribly damaged by cancer surgeries. But they were very damaged by going from an A cup to DD during breasting three different babies! After I heals from the surgeries, I INFORMED my husband I would be getting a mesh screen and implants! He hemmed and hawed about the money. Not one stinking single solitary word about whether he liked my breasts or not. 
Not!!!! One!!!!!Word!!!!

My suggestion is to tell her over and over and over.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> My husband feels exactly as you describe...Having had 6 C-sections, the stomach is quite battle scarred ...a youthful flatness will never be again...I've contemplated a Tummy Tuck myself.. he forbids it.. it's one of those times ...I'm not going to persuade him on this one.....there is nothing to warrant the smallest risk..


Well.....I left out one part for fear of appearing controlling. I also used the same word, I told her I would forbid any elective operation solely for the sake of appearance. Honestly I'm even still skeptical of Lasik surgery. She didn't seem to mind my hard stance on it. I just need to keep trying to reassure her I guess.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

I was interested in this one. I just streamed a programme showing in the UK Called "Botched up bodies". Anyone and I mean anyone male of female with this type of thing on their minds really NEEDS to ses it. Loads of women mostly the next door types were on there. ALL had children and went for the apron change, boob ehancement and life - ALL were treated by good surgeons but what happened despite great after care etc was frightening. ALL had to be cut, all had to have new implants or scare tissues removed. I know its the worst of the worst by heck, Id rather my W have slightly sagging boobs than have them look like thr bride of frankenstein! All wished they'd left it all anong - one girl in her 30s had 4 kids and now shes had 4 boob jobs because they dont turn out right - even went tothat Harley street where all the film stars go and they said straight - There is now ALWAYS this risk and if you pay for them and they are wrong there is little anyone can do as youve taken the risk.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

She needs to really think about think before she does it. I wouldn't recommend a tummy tuck or breast lift to ANYONE unless they went from morbidly obese to a healthy weight. 

cosmetic surgery can ruin your body. she needs to be happy with what she has now and stop searching for superficial fulfillment.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I would like to have a screw installed in the top of my head and give it a good twist to pull everything back up. If I could afford it...I would have absolutely everything fixed.
> 
> I look in the mirror and say who is that???
> 
> ...


Where we live its fairly common for women under 40 to have procedures done to fix post child birth bodies. My biggest issue is that I think its too risky, but my other problem is that she really does look fine. Most of the women we know that paid to have things done were paying to have the body that my wife already has. It seems so pointless. Even if there aren't complications I would assume there would be significant pain involved in the recovery.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

We all grow older and our bodies change. The trick is to do it gracefully. 

W has a beautiful body and female form, yet she has body dysphoria. We are both, however, against plastic surgery. We laugh at the "housewife" shows where nobody looks like the parent from whence they came. If nothing else, what does that say about their opinion of their own bloodline? Oh well, none of that matters when Cosmo is at every grocery store checkout line.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> My mother told me to just grow old gracefully....trouble is...I DO NOT want to look like my mother!!!! UGGGG


That's cute  but my point there is, do the best you can with what you have. We're all going to age, and none of us get out of here alive. Those who try so hard to hold onto their fading youth are fooling only themselves, and maybe a few drunks at the bar. 

I've been with two woman who've had surgeries, and my experince there is avoid it at all costs. You may think you look better, but you don't. You look like you've had surgery. My preference, for what it's worth, is a natural woman. Then again, I grew up in the 70s, man....  Seriously, take care of your temple and just treat it with respect. 

That said, I saw a guy on TV the other day who'd had a bad motorcycle accident. He heeded several surgeries just to be able to talk again. Yes, he looked pretty bad. In those cases, plastic surgery can help, but not completely, get him back to something he once was. But not to fool people into thinking he's more than he ever was.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> I've been with two woman who've had surgeries, and my experince there is avoid it at all costs. You may think you look better, but you don't. You look like you've had surgery. My preference, for what it's worth, is a natural woman. Then again, I grew up in the 70s, man....  Seriously, take care of your temple and just treat it with respect.


Regarding the work that people get done on their face I would agree. Its very obvious. Its tough to explain but it doesn't look right. She would never want to do that, and stated as much.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Ultimately...it has to be my decision and my husband needs to be supportive of the decision I make.


My wife used to bring it up every so often. This is what I have made clear to my wife (three c-sections):

I love her and her body. I find her very sexy and still chase her around the bedroom (heck, the whole house). I don't want her to do this and would not like it if she did. But she is an adult and can make her own decision and I will ultimately support what she does.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> My wife used to bring it up every so often. This is what I have made clear to my wife (three c-sections):
> 
> I love her and her body. I find her very sexy and still chase her around the bedroom (heck, the whole house). I don't want her to do this and would not like it if she did. But she is an adult and can make her own decision and I will ultimately support what she does.


I agree with you regarding doing your part to make sure she is still sexy to you. But I differ with you on supporting it if you really don't agree with it. I know my wife is an adult, but I don't think I'm out of line at all in stopping her from doing it. I'm her husband, why shouldn't I have some say in the matter. 

Sometimes as a spouse, you have to save your spouse from themselves. I would expect her to do the same if I were considering doing something equivalent.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> Regarding the work that people get done on their face I would agree. Its very obvious. Its tough to explain but it doesn't look right. She would never want to do that, and stated as much.


Oh heck, it's eay to say what it is. Look at those eyebrows, are they so high it looks like she's constantly surprised? Are they tattooed on? And the forehead, does it move? Are there no wrinkles? How odd for a 40 y.o. woman not to have a wrinkle on her forehead. But the doc snips a nerve in there that moves the muscles, then toss in a little botox for kicks. They look expressionless. 

W and I look at this stuff all the time.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

ReformedHubby said:


> I agree with you regarding doing your part to make sure she is still sexy to you. But I differ with you on supporting it if you really don't agree with it. I know my wife is an adult, but I don't think I'm out of line at all in stopping her from doing it. I'm her husband, why shouldn't I have some say in the matter.
> 
> Sometimes as a spouse, you have to save your spouse from themselves. I would expect her to do the same if I were considering doing something equivalent.


I understand, but don't know that I could do that. It is not a deal-breaker for me. I would be disappointed, but it is ultimately her body. As she is a SAHM, additional issues of money and the like make my stopping it problematic for our relationship.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I would like to have a screw installed in the top of my head and give it a good twist to pull everything back up. If I could afford it...I would have absolutely everything fixed.


There's a joke about that exact thing. A woman has so many surgeries her surgeon decides to install a knob at the back of her neck so periodically as she get wrinkles she can tighten things up on her own. 

A couple years later she comes back, "doctor I don't think it's working...no matter how much I tighten the knob I still have these bags under my eyes and now to make it worse I have this goatee".

The doctor responds, "I think I see the problem...you've tightened it so often your breasts are now under your eyes and your pubic hair is at your mouth."

ba da dum!


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

First, you have to be crazy, absolutely F'ing crazy, to pick a cosmetic surgeon from an auction. One prominent person's mom dies after surgery. You need to carefully select a doctor and anesthesiologist. 

That said, if there is something that could legitimately be done, it's ultimately her choice.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Bobby5000 said:


> First, you have to be crazy, absolutely F'ing crazy, to pick a cosmetic surgeon from an auction. One prominent person's mom dies after surgery. You need to carefully select a doctor and anesthesiologist.
> 
> That said, if there is something that could legitimately be done, it's ultimately her choice.


Supposedly the doc is really good. This wasn't a low rent event. Are you talking about Kanye West's mom? That was sad. Particularly because people tended to comment negatively on her appearance. I have a feeling if her son wasn't a celebrity she would have never gone under the knife. Her doctor was some hack in a strip mall.

I'm surprised that so many men are saying its her choice. I can't speak for anyone else's wife but mine asks me my opinion when she even makes minor changes to her hair. Or what to wear when we attend formal events. So no I'm not going to sit idly by while she lays on a table and gets gutted like a fish (based on the size of the scars I've seen assume this is what they do). 

My post isn't about a woman's rights to her body. I've got no issues with that. But if you're married to me I think my opinion should weigh heavily. This isn't a hair dye job or minor change in appearance. Its a major physical alteration. 

I'm grateful though that there wasn't anything to argue about with her. Once I said I would never let it happen she respected my feelings and acknowledged that the benefits do not outweigh the risks. 

I'm really more interested in helping her improve her self image, but perhaps the women that have posted their thoughts on it are correct. There is no sure fire way to do this.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I'm big on social dynamics and cultural perceptions. Body image is pretty big deal in the first world, and beyond.
Brazil treats cosmetic surgery basically like dentistry, or wellness checks. It is an interesting cultural dynamic and belief, as evidenced by:

Brazil's poor get free cosmetic surgery under philosophy that beauty is a right - NY Daily News


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Deejo said:


> I'm big on social dynamics and cultural perceptions. Body image is pretty big deal in the first world, and beyond.
> Brazil treats cosmetic surgery basically like dentistry, or wellness checks. It is an interesting cultural dynamic and belief, as evidenced by:
> 
> Brazil's poor get free cosmetic surgery under philosophy that beauty is a right - NY Daily News


Interesting article. I have seen documentaries where poor children from undeveloped countries with deformities were given free cosmetic procedures. I was unaware that these procedures were also provided free to people that had only minor issues. Perhaps for them the issues weren't so minor. Certainly food for thought for an old fashioned minded type like myself.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

To be clear, I'm not telling you to roll back on where you stand.

I just do find it interesting that what we see as, vain, self-indulgent and risky others see completely differently.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I've read that men are the ones who get the most cosmetic surgery... to stay looking younger. It' a fact that younger looking men earn more.

So they use it to maintain a competitive edge.

one of my sisters had a face lift for that very reason. It's seems to have done well for her. It took about 20 years off her face. She looks great.

I'm one of those against any unnecessary cutting on my body. It's just too easy for something to go wrong.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> Recently my wife and I attended a charity ball and at the event there were a lot of other secondary ways to raise money. One of them was a raffle. I thought about buying a ticket but then I realized that all the top prizes were cosmetic procedures. The top prize was a mommy makeover consisting of a tummy tuck and a breast lift.
> 
> I was surprised that my my wife urged me to buy a ticket. She said that having three kids have taken a toll on her body and that no matter how much she works out she can't get her tummy flat like it used to be. I told her that she was beautiful to me and reminded her that she still gets hit on occasionally. This didn't seem to make her feel better. She acknowledged that she thought about surgery from time to time.
> 
> ...


She can like herself and be happily married too and still want a tummy tuck. You could throw out an ultimatum but those are bad IMO. Or you may just not help with the expense. Then if she wants it she has to save for it. 

But really it doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me. Maybe she wants to age more gracefully.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> She can like herself and be happily married too and still want a tummy tuck. You could throw out an ultimatum but those are bad IMO. Or you may just not help with the expense. Then if she wants it she has to save for it.
> 
> But really it doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me. Maybe she wants to age more gracefully.


It really was more of a surprise to me that she actually thinks about it. Just to clarify its not like she was saying I need to get this done. She never really knew my feelings on it because its not a topic that ever came up. But she does now. I think she actually finds my reason for not allowing it endearing in way. She isn't taking it as me bullying her.

But, yes if it came down to it I couldn't allow it. I know medicine is advanced now but why take the risk.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ReformedHubby said:


> It really was more of a surprise to me that she actually thinks about it. Just to clarify its not like she was saying I need to get this done. She never really knew my feelings on it because its not a topic that ever came up. But she does now. I think she actually finds my reason for not allowing it endearing in way. She isn't taking it as me bullying her.
> 
> But, yes if it came down to it I couldn't allow it. I know medicine is advanced now but why take the risk.


I wonder if you are over-stating her insecurity about her own body. Stating that she would like to get some things 'fixed' that have changed with age and child bearing does not necessarily mean that she is very insecure. It might just be a statement of fact that she does not like the way her body looks now in comparison to the way it looked when she was younger.

Why isn't your saying that you like her body enough for her? Because no one can meet all of another person's need. Her self image and security about her body are not based only on what you tell her you feel.

It almost sounds like you are not just upset about the idea of surgery. But you are also upset in finding out that she has an opinion of her own body that is hers alone, not yours.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Deejo said:


> I'm big on social dynamics and cultural perceptions. Body image is pretty big deal in the first world, and beyond.
> Brazil treats cosmetic surgery basically like dentistry, or wellness checks. It is an interesting cultural dynamic and belief, as evidenced by:
> 
> Brazil's poor get free cosmetic surgery under philosophy that beauty is a right - NY Daily News


Cosmetic surgery is also popular in places like South Korea and even Iran. More nose jobs (rhinoplasty) are done in Iran than in the USA.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I don't think wanting a tummy tuck indicates low self image any more than braces to straighten our teeth do. Really the same argument could be made about straight teeth being all about vanity.

On a side note, my wife's eye liner is a tattoo. It's nice for her because she doesn't have to do it everyday.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I've had both a breast augmentation and a tummy tuck. My husband did not like my post 3 baby body. I am thin, but the loose skin and saggy breasts were a total turn off. 

I disliked the way I looked. I am only 29. Why did I have to look 67? I knew the risks. I took them. I look amazing now. I love my body. The scar is fresh from the tummy tuck as it was only in November. However, my tummy matches the rest of my body now. Now, I can see the results of my workouts. 

Many women will choose not to do it. Many will. It's personal choice. Men cannot understand what being pregnant does to your body. Before we get pregnant our bodies are put together, firm, and tight. Things are where they are supposed to be and nothing feels/looks weird. You get pregnant and give birth. You are left with stretchmarks, loose skin, larger breasts temporarily until they go back down and then they are much softer and lower that where they were before. My skin felt different. It was a completely different body. 

I don't look like I did when I was 20, but I do think the procedures I've had did improve the way I look and feel about myself. Is it for everyone? No way. Did it help my relationship with my husband? hahah no. 

Women can be happy in a relationship and still think about cosmetic surgery. It's thrown in our faces every other day how celebs are having babies and back to normal 2 weeks after with not a stretch mark in sight. People are bombarded with photoshop, air brushing, and make-up 24/7. It's everywhere.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Thundarr said:


> I don't think wanting a tummy tuck indicates low self image any more than braces to straighten our teeth do. Really the same argument could be made about straight teeth being all about vanity.
> 
> On a side note, my wife's eye liner is a tattoo. It's nice for her because she doesn't have to do it everyday.


I agree. A tummy tuck doesn't indicate bad self-image. 

I had braces on my teeth as a child. It wasn't done for medical reasons more for cosmetic reasons. I'm so glad my parents shelled out the money for it. The slight overbite I had caused me to not smile very much, but once the braces came off, I was happy to smile in photographs. We do a lot of things daily in the name of vanity..hair dye, highlights, makeup, tweezing/hair removal, Spanx/body shapers, high heels, makeup. Granted those don't carry the same risks as plastic surgery, but who among us doesn't try to to improve the way we look upon getting up in the morning? 

If I could afford it, I would consider some kind of plastic surgery WAY down the road. But not now.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I wonder if you are over-stating her insecurity about her own body. Stating that she would like to get some things 'fixed' that have changed with age and child bearing does not necessarily mean that she is very insecure. It might just be a statement of fact that she does not like the way her body looks now in comparison to the way it looked when she was younger.
> 
> Why isn't your saying that you like her body enough for her? Because no one can meet all of another person's need. Her self image and security about her body are not based only on what you tell her you feel.
> 
> It almost sounds like you are not just upset about the idea of surgery. *But you are also upset in finding out that she has an opinion of her own body that is hers alone, not yours.*


I'm not at all upset that she has an opinion of her body that is all on her own. But...I'll admit that I disagree with her self assessment and I don't think anything is wrong with that. I'm one hundred percent certain that she'd prefer that I not have the image of herself that she has. It would actually be far more hurtful to her if I were pushing her into surgery in my opinion. 

On a side note she isn't walking around moping because I said I'd never support surgery. She actually finds my opposition to it endearing and has agreed not to pursue it.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I was hoping to find out if there is anything special that husbands have said or done for their wives that made them feel better about their self image. Perhaps I should have just asked that question instead of giving the back story. Still hopeful that someone may have some insight into something specific that I can say or do.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> A couple of people I know recently had a friendly debate about circumcision, and one of them actually had no problem having her own body cut for plastic surgery, but was vehemently opposed to circumcision which she called a form of mutilation.


Why is that confusing? There's a world of difference between something you -chose- to do to your own body knowing and accepting the risks, and someone else choosing a life-long decision for you.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> I was hoping to find out if there is anything special that husbands have said or done for their wives that made them feel better about their self image. Perhaps I should have just asked that question instead of giving the back story. Still hopeful that someone may have some insight into something specific that I can say or do.


You've already done what you can by the sounds of it. You discouraged her from cosmetic surgery, which *is* endearing, IMHO, and you tell her you find her beautiful.

What else could you do?

Unfortunately, in this world/culture women aren't really allowed to have a good body image. I've seen the most beautiful models shred themselves over every pore, hint of cellulite, or random body part that is too thick or too thin, or whatever. 

And there's no escaping it, as no matter what she does or who she is, the only thing that matters about her is how she looks. Is she sexy, is she [email protected], or is she the one that all he guys make fun of when joking around about how much they want to be paid to [email protected] her?

So her only chance for approval is to spend all of her time worrying about whether her make-up is just right, her heels high enough, and gawd forbid if she has a stray body hair that isn't on her head, eyebrows or eyelashes. And even still she knows damn well that it will never be enough because even her heart of hearts will still be fantasizing about he hottie down the street instead of her. 

Women are entirely set up to fail, no matter how hard they try.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

always_alone said:


> You've already done what you can by the sounds of it. You discouraged her from cosmetic surgery, which *is* endearing, IMHO, and you tell her you find her beautiful.
> 
> What else could you do?
> 
> ...


Thanks AA. I have a feeling your view point is why there haven't been any responses. There really is no easy fix for it. There are things that men can say or do to make it worse, but not necessarily anything we can do or say to make it better.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> Thanks AA. I have a feeling your view point is why there haven't been any responses. There really is no easy fix for it. There are things that men can say or do to make it worse, but not necessarily anything we can do or say to make it better.


Yes, exactly! But at the same time, don't get me wrong. I'm sure knowing that you like the way she looks just as she is, without cosmetic enhancements, and reminding her from time to time that you find her beautiful will help keep the demons at bay.

It will be noticed, even if it can't solve everything.


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