# having a breakdown



## Smokeyj (Dec 4, 2012)

First time here. Long story short my husband and I got married only a year ago. A month later he had to go on location for a job and was gone 7 months. When he got home he was cold, distant and a completely different person. After a month of his crazy behavior I hacked his email to find he was having an emotional affair. I told him to choose and he said he did not want divorce and stopped contact with her (so I thought), and although he was home he was still cold and distant, and after months of trying to hold on, telling him I forgive him and want to work things out he left to stay with a friend. After a week or two he came home saying he wanted divorce, and when I agreed, the next day he apologized and said he wanted to work things out and that he was home. Then 24 hours later said he wasnt sure that he came home for the right reasons, that he was just afraid of loosing his money etc. He left again and I told him to file. He filed last week and now this week has been again giving me tid bits of hope of reconcilliation through the week, and then bam again he wants to proceed with divorce. Why does he keep doing this??? I still love him and as much as I want to just not talk to him again, Its so hard. For anyone who has gone through this why does he keep me hanging on??? Im loosing my mind. This is not the man I married.. what the hell happened??


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this.

I have some questions... how long did you date him before you married him? How soon after you two got married did he leave to work away for 7 months?


It's very hard to keep a marriage together when separated for long periods of time. He sounds very confused right now, that seems to be why he's doing what he is doing. How do you know that it's an emotional affair and was not physcal while he was away all that time?

You are making a big mistake in that you are letting him decide what goes on. YOU have to decide if you will even consider reconciliation. If you tell him to leave he might just start to value you and your relationship. Right now you are door mat in his eyes.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Clearly he's not ready for a commitment...he wasn't and isn't ready for marriage. This on again off again bs. 

How about 'you' take control and stop the madness? 

He's going back and forth because your letting him. Give him one more chance...if that's what you want. If he leave again..end it. 

Period. But 'you' need to set the boundries...take control...and stick to them. 

If you've had enough of this roller coaster...as hard as it is...proceed with the divorce...don't let him back in. 'You' are the one who has to decide here...not him.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

You have only been married a year. I'd say cut your losses while you can. As hard as that sounds, he is not interested in being a husband. And to return home only because he's afraid you will take all his money? Maybe you should...

Don't listen to me. I'm bitter.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

RUN and then when you get tired RUN some more. you deserve better. divorce him and find mr right


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## Smokeyj (Dec 4, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Sorry you are going through this.
> 
> I have some questions... how long did you date him before you married him? How soon after you two got married did he leave to work away for 7 months?
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Smokeyj (Dec 4, 2012)

We were together 4 years before getting married. Lived together 3.. And had an amazing relationship.
That's the hardest part, he came home a different person. Is he depressed? I never found any evidence it was physical but assumed it was, and when I was
Yelling at him about it he said no- that there was no sex. He says he wants us to work
Out but says he can't forgive himself and dosent think I can either. I still
Love him
And he loves me but he's running away out of fear. What do I do??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

Have you been to marriage counselling? It might help work through the issues. You both say that you still love each other so there is some hope...if it was to work out the toughest thing would be for you to trust him again. I know others are saying the opposite but I don't think the length of the marriage makes much difference if it was 1 year or 20 years. My ex became a totally different person too after an 18 year marriage...it was bizarre and unexpected but there was absolutely no chance (from her side) of us reconnecting...she was done. I highly recommend MC - even if it does not result in reconciliation, it will most likely allow you to explore what happened and resolve some unanswered questions. All the best!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smokey,

Have either of you had individual therapy?


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## DumpedAgain (Feb 14, 2013)

Smokey

I am sorry this jerk is doing this to you. It is mystifying 
how people can change abruptly. It is important that you
make sure this doesn't make you bitter and damage your
happiness.

Move on, but enlist the help of your friends, family and perhaps
a counselor

My wife abruptly changed a few weeks ago, became hostile
and now we are going down the divorce path. I am seeing a 
counselor who is really helping me to focus on myself and happiness instead of the resentments and blaming that I love to obsess on


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## Smokeyj (Dec 4, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Smokeyj (Dec 4, 2012)

It's so hard because he is so broken. I think deep down he dosent want divorce he is just afraid to fail me again and cannot forgive himself now. I still love him and
But he is paralyzed by fear. I have a son from a previous marriage and we have built a home together, adopted pets, and I don't understand why he is ok with walking away from everything?
Do I fight for my family or move on and find someone else? It's so hard when you still love the person
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

Smokeyj said:


> It's so hard because he is so broken. I think deep down he dosent want divorce he is just afraid to fail me again and cannot forgive himself now. I still love him and
> But he is paralyzed by fear. I have a son from a previous marriage and we have built a home together, adopted pets, and I don't understand why he is ok with walking away from everything?
> Do I fight for my family or move on and find someone else? It's so hard when you still love the person
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can relate to this and my advice is to let him come home on his own if you really want him to. If you try to persuade him or beg him, it will only temporarily fix things. He has to know it's what he wants, and if you aren't willing to wait for him, then begin moving on. Begin moving on anyways, because he probably isn't expecting you to move on, he is most likely expecting you to be right there waiting. DON'T DO IT like I did! 

My soon to be X husband left me and eventually I gave up and waited for him to return home on his own...stopped begging, stopped trying to convince him what he has, but it never happened - he wants the divorce. If my convincing had actually worked, I'd have been stuck with a man who deep down didn't want to be married to me, and we would have went on to have children and he'd most likely have left me eventually anyways.

You want someone who is fully committed to making the relationship work! Hang in there!


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

by the way my husband is broken, too, I believe. I think he is unhappy with himself, who he is, and is dissatisfied with his own life and his inability to make friends and connect with other people. He is blaming me for everything, and it's total crap, but it doesn't matter what the truth is unless he actually BELIEVES it himself. Men are stubborn.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Amymarie717 said:


> by the way my husband is broken, too, I believe. I think he is unhappy with himself, who he is, and is dissatisfied with his own life and his inability to make friends and connect with other people. He is blaming me for everything, and it's total crap, but it doesn't matter what the truth is unless he actually BELIEVES it himself. Men are stubborn.


As opposed to what? Women?


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

Conrad said:


> As opposed to what? Women?


Haha! I guess what I meant was the person in the relationship who has the power (ie, the one leaving or breaking up) is usually very stubborn and self-righteous. Man, woman, or any combination of gender/sex.


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## Smokeyj (Dec 4, 2012)

I am sitting alone crying in a hotel now because I did not want my child to see me like this. Part of me knows I should just let him go, because if he is not willing to fight, I deserve better. But why do I still love him after he has treated me so badly the last 6months. Sometimes it seems he just turned his emotions and love for me off like a light switch, and now I want so badly to do the same but I cant!!! I still love him and pray he does not continue with divorce. I just got the papers last week. This is my second marriage, and my first husband cheated too!!! I am good looking, faithful, high sex drive, hell i am everything most guy want in a woman yet I keep getting attached to these emotionally unavailable men. Part of me just thinks all men must be like this, but reading these blogs I see that alot of women cheat too and that blows my mind. Im so upset right now im shaking and can barely type


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Smokeyj said:


> I am sitting alone crying in a hotel now because I did not want my child to see me like this. Part of me knows I should just let him go, because if he is not willing to fight, I deserve better. But why do I still love him after he has treated me so badly the last 6months. Sometimes it seems he just turned his emotions and love for me off like a light switch, and now I want so badly to do the same but I cant!!! I still love him and pray he does not continue with divorce. I just got the papers last week. This is my second marriage, and my first husband cheated too!!! I am good looking, faithful, high sex drive, hell i am everything most guy want in a woman yet I keep getting attached to these emotionally unavailable men. Part of me just thinks all men must be like this, but reading these blogs I see that alot of women cheat too and that blows my mind. Im so upset right now im shaking and can barely type


ok....go wash your face...clean yourself up. You need to get a grip. Your not going to die! What your experiencing is called codependency. You need to get better within yourself before your next relationship...so you don't go for these emotionally unavailable men. I could go on and on about this but i have to get ready for work and I'm sure someone else will chime in here..

You do need counseling...you do need to learn about codependency. There's books out there...Codependent No More was one of the best books I ever picked up. 

I think you need to run from this guy...detach and go figure yourself out and get some help. Take care of yourself and get your self respect back. It's not even about him...it's 'you putting up' with his bs! WRONG! 

You need to stop. Girl this is not a marriage. This is a game. An immature game. He's got a passive aggressive personality(google passive aggressive in relationships/marriage) .he will take no responsibility for anything and he sees you as needy and wanting him...he's loving every minute of it. Your his puppet and he's got you by the strings...

So...what are 'you' going to do about it? 

How about you take control? Get away from him and get some help...'you' have issues here...your a mess...you 'need' this guy and you CANNOT live like that!! 

You need to stop your 'woes me mentality' and stop being the victim. Get a grip girl...your going through this because your allowing it. Knock it off.. 

I don't give a rats azz 'you luuuuv him'.... he's a dooooshbag...how about you start to worry about 'your life'??? 

Take back control... 

or....sit there and shake...whine and complain and let him keep flipping the switch...and there will be no one else to blame but ....you. So when you ask 'why'...this is happening to me...all I will say to you again is....go look in the mirror....because 'you are letting him'...

'get it yet'???


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## DumpedAgain (Feb 14, 2013)

Since the Divorce thing exploded in my life I have spent
a tremendous amount doing what are doing right now, I know
I shouldn't but can't stop. I get all the good advice...get out of the house, go see a friend, go to church. But no..I sit on the couch and feel very very sorry for myself

I feel for ya


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