# I am so confused !!



## Confused66 (Oct 7, 2017)

This is my story, married for 3 years. Together for 4. She moved back to her fathers and told me she is divorcing me.
I asked her if she still loved me for days until she finally answered with i dont love you anymore !! She was fine alone. Only two weeks after she left she tells me she has a new guy, instead of getting mad i retorqued with i have been talking to a girl from work. This got her upset.Back to him, he has been asking her out for months, explains a lot of her actions, like deleting me and my family from FB back in December and not wearing her wedding band saying her fingers were swollen. Man im dumb to have been that gullible. Now i sent her an email stating that next week my lawyer is sending the divorce papers all she has to do is sign. We both have our own kids and we have nothing to split. She answered me right away with, i bet you are in a hurry to marry that **** !. I was like what ? Then i stated again i just want tis over with as quickly as possible. She then came back with, i dont care what your new ***** wants, sick of hearing we or us, she will not get to marry you. I said i am so confused, you left me and now have a new man, told me to move on which im doing. But wont sign the divorce papers ?? Why wouldnt she just sign and move on ? I love my wife dearly and would probably take her back after some long discussions. I took her for granted and was neglecting her sexually. Please enlighten me, why wont she sign the papers if she doesnt love me and has moved on with a new man ? Confused and need answers please.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Sounds like she wants to play victim, and her happiness counts on you being miserable without her......ghost her


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## Confused66 (Oct 7, 2017)

Ghost her ? I started no contact today. Do you think she is doing this because she still has feelings for me ? I would be happy to know this. I think. Im so confused.


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Sounds like she wants to play victim, and her happiness counts on you being miserable without her......ghost her




Exactly. Ghost her. You are paying a lawyer good money and since she is behaving badly, let the lawyer take care of it. Don't engage her with conversation about the divorce if she's going to behave that way. 

In the meantime, keep it light and cool with the new girl and don't get in too deep with her (easier said than done). Enjoy her company and don't be afraid to cut her loose if she starts acting like a crazy person. Because if she is seeing a guy who is separated, she might not be all there. I'm just saying. 



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## Confused66 (Oct 7, 2017)

So my chances of ever getting her back are slim ? I was hoping she was jealous and still loved me .

Im not dating this girl, just go out and talk.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Confused66 said:


> Ghost her ? I started no contact today. Do you think she is doing this because she still has feelings for me ? I would be happy to know this. I think. Im so confused.


Best just to move on. 

If she went the route of we need to work on us, I would say you had a chance. Instead she went the route of banging a new guy. 

NC and she will sign one day.

She is upset that you are moving on. A lot of ex gf's and wives like holding their SO's under the thumb.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's very common for a person who leaves to get upset when the person they left starts to move on. 

My husband's wife had been cheating for at least 2 years and then living with another man for about a year when I met him. When she found out that we were dating, she got angry and made a lot of noise about him "moving on so quickly". 

When they leave, they often have a fantasy that you will suffer for the rest of your life for losing them. LOL

You made a mistake in telling her that you were seeing someone. Going out with a woman and talking it called dating. IT's the early part of dating. Then you made the mistake of telling her that you were having her served with divorce papers. 

She would be a fool to just sign divorce papers that were sent/served to her. She will most likely need to get a lawyer to review them and make any counter offer that she might have. If there is nothing to split then maybe there won't be a counter offer.

The court will give you a divorce after some period time whether she signs the divorce or not.


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## Confused66 (Oct 7, 2017)

Yeah we are a special case lol. Im Canadian and she is American. She moved back to the US and we have nothing to negotiate in the divorce. Since she left me and told me she is with another man, i know really there is no hope. I just figured i would pay to have the papers done up, she would be happy to get rid of me, but she just said that the new **** will not get to marry me, and this baffled me, because if she doesnt love me anymore and wants to move on, wouldnt she want to sign the papers ?
I sent her my last email yesterday afternoon to start my NC. I said i was sorry for not being he best husband i could be and sorry for saying the mean things i said, wished her luck and said bye. She instantly replied with, you say mean things every day. And that was the last contact. My boys miss her so much and i miss her daughter. But i guess its going to be up to her new man to take care of them now. 

PS after only one day of NC i already feel better, is this strange ?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
She is scared that you have removed her safety net. How can she feel confident and sure when there is nothing but hard ground to land on if she were to fall. Also, it is quite demeaning to realize how dispensable one is and you finding another so quickly shows her she is not as invaluable as she once thought. All of this has angered her. She seems very immature and not ready for marriage.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

It's all about her. You were supposed to be destroyed and spend the rest of your life pinning for her.

She's shown you and told you who she is maybe you should believe it instead of waiting for a fairy tale to happen.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Just push the divorce forward.
Better that you file first.

I handled my divorce long distance. I'm sure you could do the same.


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## GuacaColey (Sep 19, 2017)

How old are the two of you? 
How long was your courtship/dating period before marrying? 
Can you elaborate on the neglecting her sexually part? 
Have you ever expressed your desire to reconcile with her? 


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Confused66 said:


> I took her for granted and was neglecting her sexually.




*Did you stop having sex with her?*
I am curious. This is something often repeated here.


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## Confused66 (Oct 7, 2017)

GuacaColey said:


> How old are the two of you?
> How long was your courtship/dating period before marrying?
> Can you elaborate on the neglecting her sexually part?
> Have you ever expressed your desire to reconcile with her?
> ...


Her 37 me 51
We dated for 5 months and had to get married for her permanent residency papers.
I was not the most intimate with her. I was always the one initiating, kind of got old.
I told her that we could get back at beginning. She said no thank im fine alone. Yet apparently has a bf.

She just sent an email telling me to send the papers and the address ASAP.

I want to break my NC, should I ? Help.



SunCMars said:


> *Did you stop having sex with her?*
> I am curious. This is something often repeated here.


No i didnt stop, just less.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

No point in breaking nc. You won't get anything but more pain


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## GuacaColey (Sep 19, 2017)

Confused66 said:


> Her 37 me 51
> 
> We dated for 5 months and had to get married for her permanent residency papers.
> 
> ...




Ok. I did wonder if maybe she was totally unaware of your desire to reconcile. 

She does sound very immature. I was guessing early 20s and not 37. Although it is hard to know just from a post on a marriage website.

I'll leave the marriage advice to the pros, since I'm going through a similar situation myself. All I can say is I'm sorry you are going through this. It sucks big time. All I can say as someone who's walking that path as well is Divorcecare has been pretty helpful as well as IC. 

Some people might disagree with me but I'd proceed into any romantic relationships very cautiously. If you still have lingering feelings for your STBXW, best not to lead your new (potential?) lady on. Rebounds tend not to fair well in the long term. 

Keep us posted.


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## Confused66 (Oct 7, 2017)

So obviously i am very weak  i broke my NC by sending her a closure letter.

She said " just send the papers ill sign them like you said earlier in the week, and we can stop contacting"

That is exactly what i wrote earlier in the week. 

She now has control again. Fark im dumb. NC again.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Confused66 said:


> So obviously i am very weak  i broke my NC by sending her a closure letter.
> 
> She said " just send the papers ill sign them like you said earlier in the week, and we can stop contacting"
> 
> ...


Fark i'm Dumb...Fark is ainm dom.

A lusty, big boobed, village gal.
Lives in a beautiful little village just outside Cork.

In another life, another tale of long red tails.
.....................................................................

@Confused66, you lost the battle.
But not the war.

There are other beauties. 
One's who will hold you close.

One's who will hold you close, protect your throat and your' backside. 
Later, when the divorce is final...find that one.
Pin her to Earth. Claim her as your own.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Good grief. Send the papers asap.

She wants to see you upset and unhappy.
Don't let her.if you totally move on and forget her, she'll likely come calling again after she's been used by this new guy. 

But why would you still want her? If you make any attempt to get her back, she will be repulsed.

Her getting upset that YOU have found someone else is perfectly normal for a narcissist or even a normal woman.


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## Confused66 (Oct 7, 2017)

Since i broke the NC yesterday, i decided we should email a little today. I told her that i still love her but need time to fix me. I know she needs time to, she answered me right away with " I wished you had this epiphany months and months ago. I then talked to her about our dream of renewing our vows one day in Ireland like we had talked about, if things worked out for both of us. Her answer was " I am not will to stay in a relationship just because money is now available, i am not materialistic,". I left it at that and am starting my NC again, at least there was no hostility.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

You're a 51 years old guy and you are confused? If at this age you haven't learned, I don't know when you will. She dump you dude. And you, instead of acting like a man that has his pride and integrity, started acting all wimpy, and pathetic, trying to make her change her mind. Lord, just sign the damned papers, and at least, show her that you are a man with dignity and integrity.


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## Confused66 (Oct 7, 2017)

Forgive me for fighting for my marriage  Maybe you are right.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Confused66 said:


> Forgive me for fighting for my marriage  Maybe you are right.


"This is my story, married for 3 years. Together for 4. She moved back to her fathers and told me she is divorcing me.
I asked her if she still loved me for days until she finally answered with i dont love you anymore !! She was fine alone. Only two weeks after she left she tells me she has a new guy"

What marriage?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You cant keep being NC and then contacting her back and forth. 
She is committing adultery and was clearly doing so before she left.

Please leave the legal stuff to the professionals. You have no children together so you have no need for any contact at all.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Confused66 said:


> Ghost her ? I started no contact today. Do you think she is doing this because she still has feelings for me ? I would be happy to know this. I think. Im so confused.


Not all feelings are good. She is angry with you and trying to punish you. Just file for divorce. You don't need her signature to divorce her.



Confused66 said:


> So my chances of ever getting her back are slim ? I was hoping she was jealous and still loved me .
> 
> Im not dating this girl, just go out and talk.


Being jealous doesn't necessarily mean she loves you. She may be jealous and hate you.



Confused66 said:


> I want to break my NC, should I ? Help.


Do not break no contact. Never speak to her again.




Confused66 said:


> So obviously i am very weak  i broke my NC by sending her a closure letter.
> 
> She said " just send the papers ill sign them like you said earlier in the week, and we can stop contacting"
> 
> ...


The only control you should be concerned about is self-control. She cannot take that away from you. Trying to be in control of the relationship is extremely dysfunctional.




Confused66 said:


> Forgive me for fighting for my marriage  Maybe you are right.


 This is not about fighting for your marriage anymore. Your wife left you. Let her go. Do not chase after her. You may as well chase after the rainbow. She is not for you. If she were, this wouldn't be happening.


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## Confused66 (Oct 7, 2017)

Thank you everyone, tonight was the last straw. I sent her an email trying to make a light joke. She responded with GFY, have a good life, i am now going to have 1:30 of mind blowing sex. I broke down and cried. This was exactly what i needed to cut all ties forever. That was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me in my life. Thanks all


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## GuacaColey (Sep 19, 2017)

She told you she was going to "have mind-blowing sex" after she told you to go F yourself?! 

Wow. I have heard of spouses saying some of the most abhorrent things to one another but this takes the cake.

I'm disgusted on your behalf. 

You absolutely need to hold onto whatever bit of dignity you have left and NOT reach out to her again. 

Ever. 

She is not a good person. She doesn't have any respect for you. She is a poisonous tree bearing rotting fruit. 

What if you tried this.... every time you feel like reaching out to her, what if you wrote a letter with everything you want to say? (DONT send it). You can read the letter to a trusted friend/family member if you absolutely need to vocalize it. 

Do you have anyone you can confide in? A counselor? 

You seem like a man who likes to communicate what he's feeling, but you can no longer do this with her. 

Shes not safe. 

Do you understand that now? 



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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Confused66 said:


> Thank you everyone, tonight was the last straw. I sent her an email trying to make a light joke. She responded with GFY, have a good life, i am now going to have 1:30 of mind blowing sex. I broke down and cried. This was exactly what i needed to cut all ties forever. That was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me in my life. Thanks all


That was disgusting and so cruel. You have seen her true colours now, get that divorce. Block her number.


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## turtle1214 (Oct 11, 2017)

Going through the same thing, although I don't know for sure if she cheated, but she probably did. I recommend looking up Husband Help Haven. Everything I've learned came from that site and the books the blogger writes. In a month, I got over the worst of the pain and to a point where I can focus on me and not care about what she does. Here is some of that advice:

She's doing this because she's confused. She's "lost the spark" or in some way doesn't feel like the marriage is what it used to be. She made her decision to leave and now has to do everything she can to justify it, most often at your expense. Don't get me wrong, it takes two to make a marriage fall apart, just like it takes two to keep it together. But she is the one who ultimately made the choice to leave. You serving her the divorce papers means she no longer has you as a safety net and she has to be 100% committed to her decision, even if it ultimately is the wrong one. From here on out, stay the course with No Contact unless it involves logistics (divorce or house stuff) and no matter what she says or does, be the man and don't retaliate. But do call her out her out if she's being a **** to you. Say things like "there's no need to talk to me like that". Something that puts her in her place without accusing or judging her. She's looking for any excuse to make herself look like the victim with you to justify her choice to leave. Don't give her those excuses. In the meantime, start doing things for you. You can't control what she thinks, feels, or does. You can control what YOU think, feel, and do. Always be respectful, but short with her. Go out and take care of you. Go the gym, eat healthy, hang out with friends, especially ones you might not have talked to in a while.

I would also recommend learning how to forgive her. That's the hardest part in my opinion, but once you get to a point where you can forgive her from deep down in your heart, you feel more at peace. For me, that involved going to church for the first time in my life. Friends and family were on my side, but they only had bad things to say about her. You still love her and shouldn't tolerate other people putting her down. She may not know it now, but if you two do reconcile and she learns that you stood up for her to your family and friends, she'll really appreciate it. If you end up not reconciling, then you're taking the high road like a man.

TL;DR
Be the man. Focus on what you can control. Be respectful to her, but always put her in her place if she acts out. Learn to forgive her so you can be at peace.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I re commend having 1:30 mondbliwing sex yourself. She is not the only woman in the world with a vagina. It's time you figured that out. 

For her to say that was disgusting. But as you figured out, she doesn't care whatsoever about you. 

If you ever speak to her again, you are really messing up.
Seriously, go find another woman. Get your confidence in yourself up. Your wife is a real wicked person. Btw, she said that to let you know there was zero chance of a reconciliation. I'd oblige her.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

if she has anything left in the house you might want to throw it away or donate it. man she is cold....to be fair we warned you, there was a strong possibility she was cheating and now you know the truth...so go for the scorched earth policy.


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## Confused66 (Oct 7, 2017)

turtle1214 said:


> Going through the same thing, although I don't know for sure if she cheated, but she probably did. I recommend looking up Husband Help Haven. Everything I've learned came from that site and the books the blogger writes. In a month, I got over the worst of the pain and to a point where I can focus on me and not care about what she does. Here is some of that advice:
> 
> She's doing this because she's confused. She's "lost the spark" or in some way doesn't feel like the marriage is what it used to be. She made her decision to leave and now has to do everything she can to justify it, most often at your expense. Don't get me wrong, it takes two to make a marriage fall apart, just like it takes two to keep it together. But she is the one who ultimately made the choice to leave. You serving her the divorce papers means she no longer has you as a safety net and she has to be 100% committed to her decision, even if it ultimately is the wrong one. From here on out, stay the course with No Contact unless it involves logistics (divorce or house stuff) and no matter what she says or does, be the man and don't retaliate. But do call her out her out if she's being a **** to you. Say things like "there's no need to talk to me like that". Something that puts her in her place without accusing or judging her. She's looking for any excuse to make herself look like the victim with you to justify her choice to leave. Don't give her those excuses. In the meantime, start doing things for you. You can't control what she thinks, feels, or does. You can control what YOU think, feel, and do. Always be respectful, but short with her. Go out and take care of you. Go the gym, eat healthy, hang out with friends, especially ones you might not have talked to in a while.
> 
> ...



Wow this one hit home thank you !! God bless you.



Evinrude58 said:


> I re commend having 1:30 mondbliwing sex yourself. She is not the only woman in the world with a vagina. It's time you figured that out.
> 
> For her to say that was disgusting. But as you figured out, she doesn't care whatsoever about you.
> 
> ...



I know, just hurts since i love her. I will move on, it was extremely hurtful. made me breakdown again.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

Confused66 said:


> Thank you everyone, tonight was the last straw. I sent her an email trying to make a light joke. She responded with GFY, have a good life, i am now going to have 1:30 of mind blowing sex. I broke down and cried. This was exactly what i needed to cut all ties forever. That was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me in my life. Thanks all




One minute and 30 seconds doesn't sound all that great to me.


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## Confused66 (Oct 7, 2017)

I cant get over this chick ! Its unreal.


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

Confused66 said:


> I cant get over this chick ! Its unreal.


Dude I can empathize.

Im sure you feel you cant do any better than her. Did you always feel she was out of your league? How can someone this beautiful love you? Been there, done that.

Look, your seeing her through rose colored glasses. Im sure shes not that as attractive as your think (yoru friends will soon come out and tell you this once they know its safe lol)

Your a 51 year old man who is acting like an 18 yr old boy with a crush.

GROW THE F UP!

She was never the right one, she was just the right now that you decided to marry. You've gotten the out and the chance to start over. TAKE IT


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I assumed by your user name that you were 51 but you write like you're decades younger. If that's how you're writing to her I can see why she's out of patience with you because she's moved on and she expects you to as well. So do it. 

Yes, it hurts tremendously to lose someone you love. I know that all too well. But that doesn't change the fact that you have to move on and the first step is to quit contacting her. Now.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Confused66 said:


> I cant get over this chick ! Its unreal.


That's like saying a jackhammer to the scrotum is pleasurable.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

CynthiaDe said:


> Being jealous doesn't necessarily mean she loves you. She may be jealous and hate you.


Only a women could know this.

But I somewhat disagree here.

She is jealous.
She does hate you.

SHE does love you, pretends it is hate.
Slathers hate all over your memory. 
Trying to paint it, taint it. Make it hate, not love.

Hate feeds off love. Indifference is the opposite of hate.

A hard concept to swallow. The Jagged Truth cuts all the way down to the soft Whale's belly.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Satya said:


> That's like saying a jackhammer to the scrotum is pleasurable.


Stop this!
@EleGirl will soon claim you are my Sockpuppet!

This Lady....
A fetish she has...
For Sockpuppets...

A secret place she has.
In her closet, behind a push-buttoned panel.
Behind this panel, it is adorned, replete.

Replete with doppelgangers, stunt doubles.
And one lesser god.
All but one a Sockpuppet.

She has a fetish for these things, she does.
And for boundary crossing Martians?
I dare not speak, the walls have ears.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Here's the other thing....

Without them seeing me....
I stole a Harpies play book...

I am going to Harp on this point.

You neglected your wife sexually, your' words.
This alone drove her crazy.

And that is why when she texted, her noting that she was getting ready for sex...
You struck a nerve with her. That nerve in her head is very sore.

Very sore because her 'Man in the boat' kept ringing that line, saying he was hungry.
He was hungry, saying....."Send me the beef". 
And you rarely delivered it.

Oh, and she is a nasty women. Hands down.


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## Confused66 (Oct 7, 2017)

update, so the woman i thought i knew for so long was not at all. Psycho, she has fallen pregnant with the new guy after 5 weeks and said they are very excited. Like wtf lol


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Confused66 said:


> update, so the woman i thought i knew for so long was not at all. Psycho, she has fallen pregnant with the new guy after 5 weeks and said they are very excited. Like wtf lol


This should be the closure you need to finally move on.

Probably the hardest hitting 2x4 there is.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

A marriage license should cost $5,000.00 maybe couples would be more cautious before applying for one.


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## Confused66 (Oct 7, 2017)

David51 said:


> A marriage license should cost $5,000.00 maybe couples would be more cautious before applying for one.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

David51 said:


> A marriage license should cost $5,000.00 maybe couples would be more cautious before applying for one.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


That may prevent many genuine poor couples from getting married, and rich couples would go ahead no matter what.


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