# Over reacting, over thinking, overcoming?... or is it over?



## agua (Oct 2, 2013)

OK so, let me get the details about my current relationship as briefly as I can.

When single, I had some one night stand experiences previously (including one with a married woman), but never culminated with sex - I had a serious social phobia problem which took me years to overcome. I fancied this other girl and somehow got stuck in the friend zone with her - which eventually I got over with, she wasnt the one. She presented me with my current wife.

I met my current wife while she was dating someone else I also knew, and their relationship ended a couple of months afterwards. She then took the initiative to invite me to hang out - not as a date, initially, as a friend. I accepted, and she was a nice company to be with. I was unsure of her feelings, but some encounters later we kissed.

We met some other times, dated a while and I eventually proposed to get steady - the fact I had someone at my side was probably tlaking over my logic. She didn't have an education, didnt drive, she had a menial job as a waitress, while I have a college degree and a steady well paying job in a technolgy-related industry. Apart from a few things we enjoyed in common, we had very different lives and standards of living. 

We moved on, and shortly afterwards sex became a thing in our lives. I would take her to my place almost every weekend, sometimes during weeknights, and the sex would be great.

During this phase she wasn't too demanding, apreciated my company, and apart from one single jealousy outburst and a few minor discussions, we went along fine. We would travel by ourselves (her family did not know about it), go out, talk, have fun.

I decided to move to a better part of the city, and asked her to move in with me. She accepted, but her family, religiously oriented, balked. She said she would move in with me if we married. Thinking back it's hard to know WHY I went along with it, but I said "fine". My wife never fancied a big wedding or had dreams about it (neither did I), so she accepted a (very) small scale wedding. Our families were OK with it as well, so we did the whole thing very quickly. Got married, and she moved in with me.

Now things get quirky.

1- She decided to start up college again, and quit her job (she had several jobs, all low paying stuff, and she either quit or was fired very fast). Of course, I would be the one paying it up. It fits our budget and money is not an issue (yet), but psychologically, it sort of bums me out, as if I'm sort of playing "her dad".

2- Although she did take a driver's license, she refuses to drive. I used to have a stick (I prefer manual) and even traded for an automatic, no deal. I understand it's more of a phobia then a thing against me, but it also bums me out, I have to be her "designated driver" all the time.

Now getting worse...

3- Sex? A thing of the past. While it seems she enjoys it, after marriage what was a "2, 3 times a night several positions all in" stuff became a "once every 45 days only missionary position allowed". I am horribly puzzled about what the hell happened. I ask her about it, she gives no clear answer. One time she said it was due to her family being so religious and stating how "sex was wrong", but what were those three years we were together all about? I am not a sex addict and I'm not going crazy about it, but it makes me feel either unloved or used. Lately I have come to the suspicion that she might be a closeted homosexual (lesbian), due to a few comments and from a few of her recent friendships...

4- She is always angry, and oh boy, it's so easy to get her angry - all I have to do is to say whatever she doesn't agree or doesn't want to hear. Sometimes she skips her comunity college classes just for the fact it's rainning outside, if I ask her about it, I get one or two days of no conversation, frowned up face, angry stares. If I pick something to do she doesn't want, same thing - but if I say "whatever you want, dear", she is angry because I don't make up a decision.

5- I try to be romantic, even when I am not in the mood. Go out for dinner (ocasionally), I give her flowers even when she is not expecting, I say I love her every day. Best scenario, I get a smile and a "thank you", or a "yeah love you too".

Gladly, we have no kids, and she agrees to postpone any plans to have children for now.

I regret going into this relationship without pausing and thinking if she was really the one for me. Perhaps I am showing this regret in little, subtle unconscious gestures and she is picking it up. I have considered counselling and professional help, but I'm not sure... Maybe my story is so similar to many others, and that's how life is supposed to be. Maybe the late Sam Kinnison was right, when he screamed about marriage hell....

So. Am I exagerating or should I consider a way out?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You have answered your own question.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Gotta ask, any chance she has met someone else?


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## agua (Oct 2, 2013)

LongWalk; although I apreciate a short, quick answer, yours was left ambiguous, as I have pondered on a couple of contradictory statements. I assume, by your brevity, you're refering to my assumption of exagerating. I understand and apreciate your point of view. Perhaps I indeed am, it is hard to judge these matters based on my single point of view and lack of knowledge of other people's marriages and relationships issues. Also, this forum must attract people with far more troubles, so the perspective might lean towards the harsher situations. Maybe.

Shaggy; while it is possible, at the moment I have no reasons to be suspicious. She has always mentioned how she despises men (and women) who cheat on their partners, and her moments away from me never seem too incriminating. Her "alibi" always seems pretty consistent, she is never out at night without me or some close family member or trustworthy friend, and I have never noticed anything incriminating. It *could* be someone she knows but she has never acted upon it. As for myself, while I do consider the matter from time to time, I have never actually cheated on her.


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

As you say religion comes into it. You're best off leaving her. I cant see what hold she has over you that is forcing you to stay.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

1) The college expense: tell her that beginning next semester, she will have to go to school part-time and get a job part-time. You're setting a BAD precedent by having her unemployed while she's ostensibly in school full-time...but she's obviously not SERIOUS about it when she skips classes because "it's raining"!?!

She should not have access to a credit card or checking account that can be used to pay the whole thing. Go with her when she signs up, or have her figure out the cost ahead of time and give her a check for THAT SPECIFIC AMOUNT. YOU control the payment so you know it's only for 1/2 time schooling. 

2.) Insist that she start driving herself NOW. Go to the grocery store WITH HER, but insist that SHE drive. Point out that if something happened to YOU, she would be stuck without a 'chauffeur'. Insist on a minimum amount of driving that she must do every week in an effort to get comfortable with it. If that means you REFUSE to drive her somewhere, then so be it.

3) Use high-quality condoms EVERY TIME. You're not even sure about this marriage (or her sexual orientation), so you sure don't want to have any children with her at this point.

4) Tell her MC is a MUST. If she refuses to get help, then you KNOW that NOTHING will ever change long-term. If this is NOT what you want, then she either needs to help you fix it or you need to move on!


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