# No 2x4's please just answers.



## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

My story is on here in various threads I've started so I won't give much background.

WH moved out the beginning of March, we were at that point talking about divorce but thought we'd slow down see mc more and date. One week later found out he was still ow (lta)and the year &1/2 of R was false accept for first 6 months. So when I found out the plan for D was back on. He was back to ILYBINILWY and he said he loved ow. We did have big problems before affair which only got worse b/c of affair. I have in last 2 years worked on myself a lot. All of the things that I did wrong in the past I no longer do. He thinks the changes aren't going to stick b/c I changed out of fear of losing him and he can't understand why I am able to be diff. now and not all those other years when he was so unhappy. Add the fact that he has Ow and is in fog and he is never going to believe I am different. Anyway for thepast two weeks he has said he is still confused about this. We have started D proceedings but he is dragging it out. He has started doing some reading of articles from SI's healing library. He has stated he is worried that he could be doing the wrong thing by leaving us but he has not given OW up. He has been trying to spend time with me and as a family with our son. When we talk about the situation he listens but he keeps going back to my past mistakes and his. Says he has a huge problem reconciling the old me with the new me.(I feel the same way about him I just don't say it) I keep telling him that he will never be able to let go or give our family a real chance as long as she is in picture. I am well aware that the standard advice is 180 and some days I can do it and some days I "chose" not to. While he is fence sitting would it be helpful at all to give him books to read like "Not Just Friends" or others? Is it possible that allowing him to spend time with me and time together with our son could help him to do the right thing? I haven't slept with him and I have told him that I will never again unless he leaves her, but I almost did twice then made him go.I know, wrong and being a tease(not on purpose).
What are your opinions?I have not ignored advice I have been given here. But I will admit since I just found out 3 weeks ago I haven't given up hope that he will do the right thing. I did at first but his confusion(even if it is cake eating) has ggiven me hope. I will begin a modified 180 again but I would like to hear your thoughts even if they are negative.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

First off... do not sleep with him unless he meets your requirement that he ends all contact with OW. moves back in, ends divorce proceedings and seriously works on R. You are right to hold him to this.

If you want to still work towards R, then do it. There is something called Plan A. Look at my link below for Plan A. This is when you take the time to show your husband the changes you have made, you meet his needs as much as you can. It can make a person feel like a doormat but it is very affective. You do Plan A until you either he ends all contact with the OW and returns to the marriage, or until your love for him is just about gone. Then you go to the 180 or Plan B. Plan A should last no more than a few months.... say 3 months.

So after a few months of Plan A you switch to Plan B (180). With this you suddenly deny him any of the support and meeting his emotional needs that you have been doing. This puts the entire pressure on the OW to meet his emotional needs. Affairs usually do not survive when the WS now looks to the OW to meet all of their emotional needs. So far she has only had to meet some of his needs. 

If you feel that you have been basically doing Plan A for at least 3 months... then go to a very hard/strong Plan B (180). End all contact with him except for dealing with issues about children. Let him know that if he will end contact with the OW and return to the marriage, then you will consider getting back with him. But otherwise you are done and have no reason to talk to him. Make him go cold turkey from you.

A 'modified' 180 (or Plan B) is no plan at all. It's allowing him to be a cake eater.

Marriage Builders has a book on this.. "Surviving an Affair".


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I think Elegirl's advice is sound. I believe Daisygirl did pretty much that exact thing although I'm not sure she did it all intentionally. The hardest part is that he is in his own fog so he can't see things clearly. If he doesn't recognize how hard you are fighting for the marriage and he allows it to die he will end up losing you and the OW because his relationship with her will not last. It can't.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Cantmove , plan A does not mean you tolerate his affair or be a doormat. Expose his adultery to his parent and yours, and expose the OW to everyone on her side who may influence her , friends, parents, siblings and coworkers. It's the carrot and the stick approach. The time limit is down to you, if you can only plan A for a few weeks that's ok, thereafter switch to Plan B and go very dark on him and deprive him of the opportunity to engage with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I'm pretty sure plan A is never appropriate while a wayward is still involved with the other person. 

No fence sitting--he chooses, now. No contact and you have complete access to his phone, personal email, everything. You need to keep in mind he can have accounts and phones you know nothing about, so a voice activated recorder (VAR) hidden in his car is a good check.

Regardless of what you have done, he cannot have her and "think" about coming back. It will take him a couple of months, perhaps, to get over the grief and anger of ending the affair, but it is the only way if he is serious about attempting reconciliation.

Please tell him: even if he is not going to end up with you, the OW needs to go for HIS sake. Deciding between women is cowardly; it means he cannot face being alone. Only when he can face being alone, and imagining that as a happy possibility, will he be in a place to choose what he really wants--his family, or being on his own. Remind him that relationships from affairs have a huge failure rate--well over the 77% failure rate for second marriages (not all second marriages are with an affair partner). 

Do not let him eat his cake and have it too. That is no way forward. That's why he is stuck in the first place.

And kudos to you for the changes you have made. These will serve you well regardless of whether he comes back or not. 

Good luck.


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