# Spending! Will it ever end?



## Mstanton (Feb 8, 2011)

Ok before I state my problem let me give you some background information about me and my marriage...

I met my wife through a high school friend at a school party -we became pretty good 'long distance' friends after that event just because of the fact that we do have so much interests in common. Anyways, living so far apart she was never really aware of my wealth (well family wealth at the time.) and I never gave her any information about my financial life, as far as she was concerned I was just middle class like her...

Fast forward a few years and she moves into the same state --not far from where I am and says she'd love to get together for some biking or something... We had a lot of fun. After a few weeks of this we started to realize that our friendship was becoming much more involved... 

*skip steamy bits* 

So sure enough I rented us a place - a nice but not extravagant or expensive place. However, during the dating I never ever brought her to my other home... In fact during our stay in the apartment I would sometimes come up with 'money problems' just to gauge her reactions... (bad I know I know...) 

Of course these problems were not smiled at but she was dedicated to me during them and always pulled the extra weight if need be... So I decided after about a year and a half of this that it was time to marry her....

After we were wed .. I came clean with her about our wealth, she was mad that I lied to her but forgave me. 

Anyways the first two months were great... Yeah, she spent but nothing insane amounts. I love her and I do love to see her happy... 

But in the past three months she has spent almost 500 thousand dollars per month... 

Now, some of it was spent on nonsense like a car or two ... but the majority of the spending is on land... just land nothing built on it.

Now she says that it's an 'investment' and we'll get our money back, money we can use to send children to school when we have some...

My problem with all of this is ... She has no background in investments... and she's not that good with numbers (or bills lol) in the first place...

I know her heart is in the right place and she probably feels like she needs to prove herself to the rest of my family... but I don't know... talking about this with a few buddies that do have financial backgrounds told me this is crazy and to end it...

So, unless shes onto something no one else knows, how do I end this go-nowhere spending without hurting her feelings/ego/pride etc?


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Wow. I'm speechless. (We're $180,000 in debt and live with my parents)

OK. First, no money should be spent without BOTH of you agreeing. It is not *her* money. The money you earn each month should be considered *both* your money. 

She needs a budget. BADLY!!! You guys need to set up a $ amount that nobody can ever spend without discussing it first with the other person. For a broke person like me the amount is seriously like $20. For you guys maybe it is $1000 or something like that. 

Maybe it feels dumb to have a budget when you are loaded, but I think the more money you have the MORE important it is to keep track of it.

I would sit down with her and tell her that you love her very much but you are very uncomfortable with the investments and spending and that it isn't something you are used to. Then I would tell her that you would like to start budgeting every month. Then, I would say that if she or you ever want to spend more than $XXX that it needs to be discussed FIRST as a couple to make sure that everyone is on board. No investments should be made without both of you on board first...that means you, too.

Yikes. I'm a little sick to my stomach thinking about it.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Spending will not end on it's own. Unfortunately "spending" becomes it's own fuel for the fire. No one. regardless of wealth, is immune from it's ravages. Give her an allowance for her investing. I've already been there with a spouse. It didn't stop on it's own.


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

You'll need better control of her spending and of her.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

two separate but related issues:
1. spending
2. 'investing'

Assuming that the approx $1.5m spent over the 3 month period is not chump change to you, then I don't understand how you are allowing her to invest large sums of the family money with no involvement from yourself. Most families would make joint decisions around investments that take significant amounts of their money.

Whether this is a good investment or a bad investment, it is still investing and it's different from 'spending' for the sake of personal consumption which is largely fixed by budgeting and has a completely different underlying cause. Having significant financial decisions made without your involvement is a relationship issue not a budget issue. You need to decide to take your share of control in the relationship and put an end to big decisions being apparently made without your knowledge. Otherwise continue to allow it, don't complain, and get used to having no say in other major life decisions - e.g. when/if you have kids, how many kids, school issues, religion, relocating, etc, etc.


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