# WH wanted me to post questions here...a first.



## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

WH actually told me to post a question on here (actually 2)...and like many WSs. he is not a fan of TAM to begin with. 

We are almost 10 months into R. For the most part, it is going well. However, when we fight, it almost always comes up that here we are still suffering the fallout of the affair and the OW went back to her life like nothing happened....or at least that is what we both assume. I never spoke to OW, never exposed her (she lives in another state), and at the time did not want anything to do with her, just wanted her out of our lives. Over the last 10 months, I have felt anger, felt like I should have done something instead of just let her fade away. I thought I took the high road, but a part of that has left me feeling empty - like I didn't stand up for myself or fight back (even though I know I did). Hubs has said early on that he wanted her to hurt too for the part that she played, even though it is on him. But we talked about it, agreed not to do anything and let it go, but it still comes up when we fight....and I know that we need to just put that behind us and 100% focus on us - but we all know that that is easier said than done sometimes. I'm the BS, and I see the following as closure on 2 things that have been swept under the rug by both of us. My hubs wants no part of anything to do w/OW - yet it does come up in anger.

First question - (all actions by BS) - if you had the opportunity to find out if OW/OM really did go back to their life like nothing happened, or if she/he is miserable and alone - would you? Would you want to know so that you never have to wonder or it never becomes a topic of your fights or even a fleeting thought? 

Second question - what if you (BS) had the ability to cause some "karma" to the OW/OM without them knowing it was you and then it would be done. Would you do it? Would you think it would be healthy as a BS, or would you see it as letting the OW/OM back in your life/marriage? Would you see it as closure or would you see it as harmful to you or your marriage and why?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Its probably best to let dead dogs lie BUT being the BS I would have to say that I would want to know and I would be willing to even expose her at this point since you didnt do it in the beginning. Of course you dont want to sit around wondering if she is happy and content and all is well when she was just as much of a contributor to your marital hell. Why should you have to deal with the fallout when she is not.

Im sure others here will tell you to take the high road and not let her affect you but until you get some kind of closure you're going to be in the same place you are right now, whether its 2 mos down the road or 2 years.

Does your WH think you should let it go? Is it you thats hung on up this?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> First question - (all actions by BS) - if you had the opportunity to find out if OW/OM really did go back to their life like nothing happened, or if she/he is miserable and alone - would you? Would you want to know so that you never have to wonder or it never becomes a topic of your fights or even a fleeting thought?


Yes, I would have to know everything about this person and the life she/he is living.



LookingForTheSun said:


> Second question - what if you (BS) had the ability to cause some "karma" to the OW/OM without them knowing it was you and then it would be done. Would you do it? Would you think it would be healthy as a BS, or would you see it as letting the OW/OM back in your life/marriage? Would you see it as closure or would you see it as harmful to you or your marriage and why?


Exposure is a huge part of assuring an end to the affair so I think you should have done it long ago. Additionally *I'm a huge believer in getting even* (unlike the majority of people here) so I would advocate you helping Karma along. It wouldn't matter to me whether it could be traced back to me or not, as long as what I am doing is legal and can't lead to a lawsuit. Meaning that if you expose or say anything, you better have the proof; you can't be sued for telling the truth.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

LookingForTheSun said:


> First question - (all actions by BS) - if you had the opportunity to find out if OW/OM really did go back to their life like nothing happened, or if she/he is miserable and alone - would you? Would you want to know so that you never have to wonder or it never becomes a topic of your fights or even a fleeting thought?
> 
> Second question - what if you (BS) had the ability to cause some "karma" to the OW/OM without them knowing it was you and then it would be done. Would you do it? Would you think it would be healthy as a BS, or would you see it as letting the OW/OM back in your life/marriage? Would you see it as closure or would you see it as harmful to you or your marriage and why?


First answer - yes, I would love to know that. I would love to know if the OM is suffering, or is just shrugging his shoulders thorugh life. But my guess is he is feeling a huge hole where his friendship with my W used to be, and thus is less happy. Not because he couldn't have her as his own, but because he lost a close friend. But it would be interesting to know exactly what he is thinking/feeling.

Second answer - no. As long as he stayed out of our lives forever, I see no point in pushing him over some hypothetical ledge. But if he reached out, then yes.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I would have exposed her. Her husband/bf has a moral right to know she cheated on him (and is likely still cheating on him)


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

LookingForTheSun said:


> First question - (all actions by BS) - if you had the opportunity to find out if OW/OM really did go back to their life like nothing happened, or if she/he is miserable and alone - would you? Would you want to know so that you never have to wonder or it never becomes a topic of your fights or even a fleeting thought?
> 
> Second question - what if you (BS) had the ability to cause some "karma" to the OW/OM without them knowing it was you and then it would be done. Would you do it? Would you think it would be healthy as a BS, or would you see it as letting the OW/OM back in your life/marriage? Would you see it as closure or would you see it as harmful to you or your marriage and why?


These are interesting questions and I would like to think about them and give you the best and most in depth answers I can... 

I'd like to verify my thoughts, but my instincts lean towards the thought that both are rooted in something unhealthy for you. They both feel like the wrong path, but I don't know. Stripped down this feels like a want or need for revenge. But, it's dressed up in a 'justice' costume. If that were to help you heal, I could understand and endorse it. But, I don't think it would. Actually, it might make things worse for you.

Again, those are just random gut feelings. You guys are trying to heal yourselves and your marriage. This is a serious question that deserves more than a quick knee jerk comment, So I'd like to think about it.

*edit* I should have asked, if your being honest with yourself.. do you feel like you want some revenge/vengence (question 2)? and Do you want some verification that 'the universe' (karma) is exacting some pain on this OW (question 1)?


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

The wanting to know - it became more of an issue after a pretty good fight a few weeks ago. The whole thing of "here we are dealing with this, and she went on like nothing happened" came up by hubs, so I wanted to put it to rest. I wanted to find out so God forbid we ever do have any more arguments over this, this would not be a cause or a concern anymore. One less thing to wonder or fight about for both of us. Hubs disagrees. He says he doesn't sit around wondering what her life is like or could care less if she won the lottery, and the only time it comes up is if we are fighting when emotions are running high. He wishes he could erase every memory of her.

The karma. There is an opportunity. Don't have to take it. It is not illegal. It is not life altering, just a little payback - hardly on the same scale as having an affair with a married man. I did nothing to her. Hubs did nothing to her. She walked away from the affair like nothing happened, but threw a wrench in it as much as she could.

Hubs says that doing so would be bringing her back in our lives. He said it would do nothing for him even though at times he would like to think that she suffered too and it was just not us. However, he said he does not need that to keep moving forward with us, but if I needed it, than who is he to say otherwise.

Me, as the BS thinks that it should provide some closure for both of us, mainly more for me. For me, to finally do something about it that I didn't do before. For him, to see that she did not just walk away with no consequence.

Where we are - we are doing very well, but if things come up in a heated arguement, my thoughts are it is still an issue and always will be unless dealt with. I have put so much behind me and I know he has too. I just don't like that these 2 things keep coming up. I want it all to be over with. He wants it over too but doesn't think doing anything about it would be good. Just wants to keep moving forward and sees no good from it.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

LFTS, when my husband's EA came to light, I had no knowledge of this site. I knew nothing of exposing to the OW fiance or her family. All I knew was that I wanted to fix my marriage. Yes, with my own cheating, he absolutely had the right to tell me to gtfo, but we agreed that we wanted to work on US, so that was our ultimate goal... getting our marriage back on track. So, as I said, I knew nothing about exposing the OW to anyone. But it gnawed at me. After coming here, I wrote how I felt. I wrote a letter to OW fiance, in the event she chose to contact him again. I didn't expect that she WOULD, but had it prepared "just in case"... and wouldn't you know, she sent him a text on Father's Day, just 2 1/2 months after D-day. So, I sent the letter to her fiance. She sent me a nasty text back, and we haven't heard from her since. 

As for revenge... I'm not really one for that, but I am the type who does want to know if they are "living it up", whether we are doing well or not. But, I HAVE decided that if the b!tch tries to fish again, I will contact her family. And I would certainly expect that my husband would do the same thing... or at the very least, I would have no problem if he DID choose to do so!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> First question - (all actions by BS) - if you had the opportunity to find out if OW/OM really did go back to their life like nothing happened, or if she/he is miserable and alone - would you?


No. I could have outed him to his wife and family, but I chose not to.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> *edit* I should have asked, if your being honest with yourself.. do you feel like you want some revenge/vengence (question 2)? and Do you want some verification that 'the universe' (karma) is exacting some pain on this OW (question 1)?


I always wish I did something - yes. That is why I tell people on here to expose or do something right away. It is terrible to get to a point where you feel it is too late to do anything. Why I never did - I did not want any fallout to come to my children. I would never do anything to put them in harms way.

I don't believe in karma. I use that term loosely - I believe that things just happen and I also believe that people take matters into their own hands. Being honest with myself, I would like to think that only my marriage matters, but the situation, all the factors and all the horrible things she did does make me want to give her a little payback. 

When hubs says that it does not matter so much to him, I wonder if he is being honest with himself or me. I know he wants to just put her out of mind completely, but my shoes are much different than his.

I know the right thing do do is to move on as we have been. But it is still there when it pops up in arguments. I say take care of it and be done with it. He says just keep moving.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> I always wish I did something - yes. That is why I tell people on here to expose or do something right away. It is terrible to get to a point where you feel it is too late to do anything. Why I never did - I did not want any fallout to come to my children. I would never do anything to put them in harms way.
> 
> I don't believe in karma. I use that term loosely - I believe that things just happen and I also believe that people take matters into their own hands. Being honest with myself, I would like to think that only my marriage matters, but the situation, all the factors and all the horrible things she did does make me want to give her a little payback.
> 
> ...


This is my take on it. You are the BS. If it makes you feel better....do it. Its just that simple.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I started doing some research into your questions and the psychological impact of 'why' and 'what happens'...

I found this:  link. It is very interesting and seems to verify that the act will not help you feel better, but will in fact delay healing and possible intensify the pain.

I also stumbled into a whitepaper on exactly this subject...

Abstract: _People expect to reap hedonic rewards when they punish an offender, but in at least some instances, revenge has hedonic consequences that are precisely opposite to those that people expect. 

Three studies showed that: (a) one reason for this is that people who punish continue to ruminate about the offender, whereas those who do not punish "move on" and think less about the offender, and; (b) people fail to appreciate the different affective consequences of witnessing and instigating punishment._

Full paper: Here
_Credit: Carlsmith, Kevin M., Wilson, Timothy and Gilbert, Daniel, The Paradoxical Consequences of Revenge. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Forthcoming_

They are worth taking the time to read, everything I read about the 'psychology of revenge' and the 'psychology of justice' (google it yourself, dig around a bit) seem to give resounding "no's and dont's" to both your questions. In the end, you will not satisfy the need or regret you feel in your soul and it's quite likely you will end up feeling worse than you feel now.



bfree said:


> This is my take on it. You are the BS. If it makes you feel better....do it. Its just that simple.


See but that's the trick. She Instinctively think's it will make her feel better, but it won't.

*edit* those links go into detail and aren't the easiest read, but I hope they help. 

Wishing you both well, _~Pit~_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I tend to think that karma is already working for you. The OW was a hit and run in your marriage & seems to be moving along just fine in her life, as far as you know. But the fact that you and your H are working hard to rebuild things shows that your relationship is the serious one. Yours is the one that deserves to last. It's the real love. Real love takes work and nurturing and isn't always easy. She may have the easy job, because she never had the real thing.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

alte Dame said:


> I tend to think that karma is already working for you. The OW was a hit and run in your marriage & seems to be moving along just fine in her life, as far as you know. But the fact that you and your H are working hard to rebuild things shows that your relationship is the serious one. Yours is the one that deserves to last. It's the real love. Real love takes work and nurturing and isn't always easy. She may have the easy job, because she never had the real thing.


You are right.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I started doing some research into your questions and the psychological impact of 'why' and 'what happens'...
> 
> I found this:  link. It is very interesting and seems to verify that the act will not help you feel better, but will in fact delay healing and possible intensify the pain.
> 
> ...


Pit - thanks - another voice of reason. I hate this infidelity crap though! There were a lot of good points I was going to take out and post here...but just too many. I know the OW is a miserable soul....I wish knowing that in itself was enough at times, ya know?


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I think your just transferring the anger with your husband to the OW. I think getting revenge (you called it causing some karma?) is never a good idea. It was your husbands choice to cheat. He's the one who you should be angry with.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

It was his choice to cheat. But what she did above and beyond - I have reason to be angry with her. I have had plenty of anger with my husband for cheating. I have come to terms with that.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> I think your just transferring the anger with your husband to the OW. I think getting revenge (you called it causing some karma?) is never a good idea. It was your husbands choice to cheat. He's the one who you should be angry with.


Im pretty sure she's held his feet to the fire over and over.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Im pretty sure she's held his feet to the fire over and over.


...and over..... It took me a few months to get there to do it though.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> It was his choice to cheat. But what she did above and beyond - I have reason to be angry with her. I have had plenty of anger with my husband for cheating. I have come to terms with that.


yeah, its like your kids the only thing that keeps you from losing your mind with them is the fact that you love them....now the neighbors kids....

same principle here. She loves her H so she can forgive him. She has no reason to do so with OW. I totally get that. Doesnt mean she doesnt understand his fault in this. Not at all.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> ...and over..... It took me a few months to get there to do it though.


Me too! But boy, once I lit that match.....


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I'm gonna have to stick with my original post. Your anger will only destroy you from within. It should be your husbands responsibility to protect you and handle the OW if there's some unsettled business. You're still spending your valuable energy thinking about the OW. I don't see how extracting some karma will bring peace to your life. Negativity always attracts more negativity regardless of how justified you think you are about the circumstances. There's always backlash and a price to be paid for taking revenge. 

Good Luck


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> I'm gonna have to stick with my original post. Your anger will only destroy you from within. It should be your husbands responsibility to protect you and handle the OW if there's some unsettled business. You're still spending your valuable energy thinking about the OW. I don't see how extracting some karma will bring peace to your life. Negativity always attracts more negativity regardless of how justified you think you are about the circumstances. There's always backlash and a price to be paid for taking revenge.
> 
> Good Luck


NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He has done all the 'handling' of the OW he's EVER to do. Anything else is up to you. Thats R 101. But I do agree- dont let her have anymore of your blood. You win. You have the real thing, she had but a fantasy. A sad, pitiful existance based on fiction. Take solace in that.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> I'm gonna have to stick with my original post. Your anger will only destroy you from within. It should be your husbands responsibility to protect you and handle the OW if there's some unsettled business. You're still spending your valuable energy thinking about the OW. I don't see how extracting some karma will bring peace to your life. Negativity always attracts more negativity regardless of how justified you think you are about the circumstances. There's always backlash and a price to be paid for taking revenge.
> 
> Good Luck


I appreciate your post. My husband should protect me. However, I am not and we are not in a situation that needs protecting right now. From the affair, I have learned how not to depend on anyone and how to protect myself. As far as unfinished business - it really is finished. It is more of just leftover crap feelings of how it all went down. Additionally, my hubs is NEVER to contact OW for ANY reason. That would be a certain dealbreaker and the end of us. 

As for the karma bit - I have not been out seeking it, or even ways to do it. An opportunity sort off just happened and it is up to me if I choose to take advantage of that. It is kind of hard to decide not too when it is right there. Justification - she gave me plenty.

Spending energy thinking about OW - not so much - but in heated arguments that are a result of the affair, it is hard not to have that brought up. An affair is not a result of 1 person. And if it was just that - if she just went away quietly - that would have been one thing. There is more, lots more. 

I just want peace and closure. I want to keep moving forward and I don't ever want her to be a topic or source of an argument or dicussion ever again. We are doing well, but that is why I am still posting in the Coping w/Infidelity section. I am hoping to move on in 2013


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

I cannot tell you how many times now I would have enjoyed doing something to her - the woman who pursed him for a year and finally got a hold of him, for a while. Funny you post this cause I have been dealing with those feelings these days that I have reached my 1 year post D-day and never once confronted her cause I felt and still feel I am so much more than her. My WS has been begging and working hard on earning a chance to win back his family and maybe, just maybe after communicating with CTU I may consider it. But yes, even today I was very much tempted to call her or email her wishing her the same freaking Xmas I had last year when her actions trying to have a fairy tale story with my husband got me to where I am today. If you get an answer to your question let me know, cause I am trying not to do anything before 2012 ends and that just leaves me with 3 more days!


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Oh and the worst part is, he did get to tell her off when he broke it off and got to say all he wanted to her!


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

It's not the fault of the OW or OM.

They didn't promise you anything, they didn't break any vows, they could have been told anything by your spouse, such as the marriage is already dead and buried.. etc.. etc.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> Second question - what if you (BS) had the ability to cause some "karma" to the OW/OM without them knowing it was you and then it would be done. Would you do it? Would you think it would be healthy as a BS, or would you see it as letting the OW/OM back in your life/marriage? Would you see it as closure or would you see it as harmful to you or your marriage and why?


I would do this and I would not mind if he knew it was me. I don't believe any OM/OW should get off scott free. Yes, it is the DS who chose to cheat. But that does not make the OM/OW guilt free. Anyway, I struggled with the question of even contacting the POSOM since it was years after the fact that I learned of the PA. I finally did - otherwise I would probably still be obsessing over it. I didn't get closure - but I got some satisfaction and it has helped me to move on.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Have you considered the down side in researching her life? Say she found a handsome, well off guy who is easy to get along with, muscular and is well equipt?

Is that going to make you feel better or push you down a path that you might not want to go? Because to truly 'karma' her, a hit and run probably isn't going to do it. It will, essentially, be bringing her ghost back into your life.

Best to imagine her going through a string of trashy boyfriends with frequent visits to the free clinic.

She has a thing for cheaters (your hubby for one). That is revenge enough.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

It is never too late to expose. A major exposure is not needed.

Her BH deserves the truth. If she was not married but in a relationship that person deserves to know.

Also the OW's parents must be told as well as her siblings.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> WH actually told me to post a question on here (actually 2)...and like many WSs. he is not a fan of TAM to begin with.
> 
> We are almost 10 months into R. For the most part, it is going well. However, when we fight, it almost always comes up that here we are still suffering the fallout of the affair and the OW went back to her life like nothing happened....or at least that is what we both assume. I never spoke to OW, never exposed her (she lives in another state), and at the time did not want anything to do with her, just wanted her out of our lives. Over the last 10 months, I have felt anger, felt like I should have done something instead of just let her fade away. I thought I took the high road, but a part of that has left me feeling empty - like I didn't stand up for myself or fight back (even though I know I did). Hubs has said early on that he wanted her to hurt too for the part that she played, even though it is on him. But we talked about it, agreed not to do anything and let it go, but it still comes up when we fight....and I know that we need to just put that behind us and 100% focus on us - but we all know that that is easier said than done sometimes. I'm the BS, and I see the following as closure on 2 things that have been swept under the rug by both of us. My hubs wants no part of anything to do w/OW - yet it does come up in anger.
> 
> ...


No and No.

Any energy you spend towards the OM/OW is a waste.

Save all of that precious energy for yourself (first and foremost) and the rest
for trying to get through R with your WS. You're going to need it.

If you're a big believer in Karma, then you should know you
cannot simply impose it on others, it will come naturally.

Wondering and or worrying about the OW/OM is a waste
and would be welcoming more pain and aguish on you.

Life is too short.

Work on what you CAN control, which is your well being
and what you can do in order to heal properly. Spending time
thinking "what if" in regards to the OW/OM will do you no good.

Instead, pray and work on fixing what you can, if possible.

Good luck.


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