# Ridel's journal



## ridel1171 (Oct 21, 2012)

Finding this website has saved my sanity this past week and because I can see it's going to be a long road ahead, I decided to start a journal thread for myself.

My situation - early forties, two kids (8 & 13), married for 17 years, met my husband when I was 18 and have never been with anyone else.

Seven days ago he told me he loves someone else & can't remember the feeling of being in love with me. Dark days indeed. 

Having spent the past week researching everything ever written about emotional affairs I feel like I now understand what happened and why. That's helped me regain some control over the situation.

I've also come to the conclusion that he may never have loved me (painful but true). I gave him a comfortable life and two kids he adores, but when I look back on our life together there is very little evidence of him expressing love to me through actions or words.

I on the other hand have clearly settled for way too little for far too long. I loved him so much I was able to delude myself that deep down he loved me too. He told me that he thought the things I did for him were out of obligation not love. I know this is how he is justifying what he's done, but it's still a slap in the face.

I have told him to go and be with this woman (who, surprise surprise, he works with) to find out if it's real or fantasy. He says he's not ready to do that yet. He fears leaving the security of our family life I think. However, he clearly doesn't want to be with me either or he wouldn't still be considering a life with this woman.

My problem is in moving on. For financial reasons we are going to have to live together until we can sell the house (which will be a few months away). I want to focus on developing our friendship for the future for the sake of our kids. He says he wants this too, but at the same time he keeps talking to me about the mess he's made of his life and his confusion about his feelings for this woman. 

I told him yesterday I have to put protections in place for myself and he can't talk to me about this stuff anymore. I'm not his BFF anymore - if I ever was.

Someone asked me how I was today and I thought about it for a while. People keep asking me this and I don't know what they want me to say. Finally I decided to say "I've had better days but I'm going to get through it." 

That's my mantra now. I know things are going to be horrible for a long time yet, but I refuse to believe there won't be good time for me again.


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## Raffles (Oct 20, 2012)

Good on u. I'm also in early 40's, been married 17 yrs, 3 kids etc.. There is nothing worse than having your partner tell u they don't love u.. I too ask myself did he ever?? I think it's prob norm for us to b asking this, cause in my eyes if they ever loved us they wouldn't want to hurt us..
Anyway stay strong..


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Having to stay in the same house must be extremely difficult. Sounds like he may be cake eating. Carrying on an affair while remaining in the security of the marriage. If things don't work out with OW, he knows he still has you as plan B.

If he is not willing to work on the marriage, it may be time to think about ending it whether he thinks that's a good idea or not.


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## ConfusedInMichigan (Oct 27, 2012)

File for divorce on him, he has clearly been unfaithful. Then, watch him squirm when the law gets involved. He is only thinking about himself: has two women, a house, kids, and even the audacity to discuss his situation with the mistress with the current wife. He deserves none of those things. Make him be a big boy, there is no reason to wait to file. Take out a loan if you need to. Don't stay in a house with him.


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