# Trust issues



## Lostinvegas (Nov 15, 2010)

I will try not to make this long. My husband had an emotional affair with a co-worker. This co-worker has been divorced twice. I am 47 and husband 49. The co-worker is 50. We have been married 25 years and together 27yrs. We have 3 older children 22F, 19M, & 16F. I first caught my husband chatting on yahoo with this co-worker in June 09. He swore he would stop and we proceeded to move on...well I thought thats what we did. I then found out he had a fake facebook account and was chatting with her again in March 2010. Since then I feel more betrayed than the first time and I don't trust him at all. He changed his facebook page to is real name and I have his password. He still works with her, well they work in the same building so I know they see each other daily-4days a week. He seems to be trying to make up for the hurt he has caused our family but my gut tells me he still talking to this co-worker. I can't get into the building because it is a government building and only those with badges can get in. We go to lunch once a week I meet him somewhere close to his work. I have sent this woman an email telling her to back off and she just sends me some bull**** like your husbands loves you and I just allow him to vent to me...geez and im suppose to believe they never had sex. What do other women/men that have been in this sitution do to regain trust. I love my husband and he tells me he loves me too but I can't seem to get over the hurt he caused me. How do I break down this wall of mine? I really just want to believe him but my gut says dont get hurt? Any advice? Thanks I hope this was not too long!!


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

In this instance it's not that you don't trust him. You do. You 100% trust him to lie. He has proven, more than once, that he's willing to look you in the eye and lie so he can continue doing this, so you completely and fully trust his ability to deceive you. So don't be fooled--it's not a trust issue. It is an HONESTY issue. 

To fix an HONESTY issue, the way to proceed is fairly easy. You tell him right up front that you don't have a trust issue--you have an issue with his HONESTY. In order to rebuild trust in his honesty, he would have to behave in an open, honest, transparent way. He would have to demonstrate to you that he is being honest--show you that his words (promises) and his actions are matching. Makes sense, right? If he promises you that he'll end all contact, it is HIS JOB to show you that he really has ended contact or give you the access so you can confirm it for yourself....

Here's the minimum that we usually recommend: 

1) Write a No Contact Letter to the Other Person (OP). The no contact letter is written by the Disloyal Spouse to the OP and indicates that they can NEVER, EVER contact each other again in any way...including seeing each other. Here are some Sample No Contact Letters. Since your hubby works in the same building with the OW, he may need to quit his job or ask for a transfer, or he may need to ask his employer for a shift that does not coincide with hers. Most/many Disloyals balk at this or say "Are you crazy? I can't quit my job now!" but marriages can survive periods of unemployment or under-employment; they CAN NOT survive an active affair!! 

Once this letter is written by the Disloyal, they give it to their Loyal spouse to mail. YOU mail it so you can see what was said and that it was not just another love letter--and you add a little note at the bottom that says that you love your spouse and do intend to fight for your marriage. It is also conceivable that you'd send a copy of this letter to the OP's spouse so they are informed of the affair and can protect themselves and their marriage on their end. 

2) Transparency. This usually means sharing passwords for email accounts, allowing access to cell phones, letting each other on accounts like Facebook or MySpace, and showing each other every bill (like the cell phone numbers called..). The Loyal spouse also shares these things too, so that BOTH spouses are learning to be "see through" and let their spouse see the REAL YOU--not that image you've been showing. Be open and honest enough that you share access and also share your thoughts and feelings *with each other* (not with others). In this instance, your hubby has already demonstrated his willingness to hide, cover up and lie--so now in order to rebuild that he is going to have to demonstrate (via ACTIONS not words) that is is able to be open, transparent and honest. My suggestion would be to assume he is lying until he shows you through consist ACTIONS that he is able to be honest. 

3) Commit to doing the work. This part is actually where a lot of marriages fall apart. The Disloyal will end contact and they might even act "honest" but when it comes to facing their own personal issues and actually doing the work--they won't admit it. Or when it comes to facing their part in harming the marriage and actually doing the work to learn how to do better--they would rather deflect, blame, or avoid than do the work. So the final part that I recommend having in place is some demonstrated willingness to actually commit to doing the personal work and marital work to repair this! And again, words don't cut it because they are empty promises--only ACTIONS will indicate willingness to really do the work

If you see all three of those things, chances are good there honestly is a change and you two can recover. If I were you, I'd meet with your hubby and pretty tell him point blank: 

"You are completely free to make your own choices and as an adult to experience the consequences of the choices you make. But here's my choice. I will not accept a partner in my life who gives me any less than 100% of their affection and loyalty. At this point, I have no trust issue with you--I trust you 100% to lie to me to my face, cry, make promises, anything so you can continue this affair. In order to rebuild my trust in your honesty, you would need to do three things (List the three things up above) and you would need to SHOW ME those three things before you come home. Promises no longer cut it. Once you have demonstrated to me that you are serious by doing all three of those things and allowing me to check up on you to see if you've done them, I will at that time consider allowing you to come back to the marital home."


----------



## Lostinvegas (Nov 15, 2010)

Thank You Affaircare for your reply.


----------

