# Is this over the top?



## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Hello, Dating a really nice woman, for last two years. We get along great, same tastes in music, food, what we like to do for entertainment, all good. 
I was married for 30 years, my xwife liked the neighbor so much decided to run off with him (6 years ago) I was really hurt, not able to work for a year, but all much better now and feeling better all the time.
When I was divorced, I decided that I was not going to get married again, and intended on keeping free and easy. That hasnt worked to well, as I spend every weekend with gf, and usually one night during the week. (we live 45 minutes away from each other) I think plenty of time together (we both are very busy with our work) she does not agree, she would like to live together (pretty sure). 
The problem comes in on th evenings we are apart. I will usually text her at least once. She will text me numerous times. If I do not answer a text, or a phone call all kinds of questions come to play. Where was I, what was I doing, and not just one question but the same question over and over with little nuances to try and see if I answer differently. (One example: Sunday at 9 am she texts me (we spent Saturday night together, she had an obligation so we were not together that morning. "What you doing?" "Reading the paper, drinking coffee" Later that day she was over, saw a newspaper still in its packing. "HEY! I thought you were reading the paper?!" "I was, the Chicago Tribune, I read it on my phone." just trying to catch me in a lie I guess) 
I have talked with her about this, and honestly, starting to really tick me off. I like her, have been really honest about where I am coming from, what my goals are, she seems to agree. .But if I am not there right when she calls, thenext time we talk I will get the third degree, sometimes days later she will want to go over where I was at what time. I dont want to quit seeing her, but really it makes me want to distance myself.. How much would you put up with?


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

It sounds like she wants/needs more of a commitment from you, which you're not willing to give. As long as you're being honest about that, and it sounds like you are, you are well within your right to let her know you don't like being interrogated. It's up to her to decide if she's willing to settle for a limited commitment indefinitely. She might decide to move on.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Be frank with her about how the interrogations and related 3rd degree are making you feel. If she doesn't like it, tell her thanks for the good times, and move on. Replacing her will be easy, if you even want to.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Well, two years in, you should feel more than just LIKING her. Please dont consider moving in with someone you dont feel a strong love for. Her behavior is insecurity, have there been issues with you and other women in the relationship? (texting an ex, that kind of thing? any chance SHE has, or is?) If not, you need to get to the bottom of what is causing the insecurity. 

It could be the distance. I know a lot of people dont think a 45 minute distance is much, but in reality, it is. I was in a relationship with that exact distance, years back. It does kinda mess with you, because you really have no idea what goes on while you're apart and its not like you ever get to casually drop in on each other. The guy I was seeing had cheated on me with his previous girlfriend, I discovered, and I had had total trust in him until I discovered that. 

Anyway... I am not making excuses for her. Maybe she THINKS she is ok with you not making more of a long term commitment, but she really isnt, but isnt really aware thats how she feels...


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

She has some trust issues . I don't think you should move in with someone, unless you are all the way in. It does not seemed like you are passionate about her and she wants more than you do. Explain your position and don't be surprised if she is not happy about it. Good luck


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

She wants to be more a part of your life and you don't want her to be more a part of your life.

The end is probably near.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its entirely up to you. I'd be running for the hills. Trust matters a lot to me and she sounds like someone who is unable to trust. 

I won't be in a relationship unless I am trusted, and I will trust someone I am with unless there is overwhelming evidence that I shouldn't. That may just be my quirk that to me trust is more important than faithfulness.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I do not know if you are aware of this...

Our brains store a lot of data and memories.

Men have an abundance of EPROM, or Static memory. Or Flash and Dash memory. When men run out of brain memory they use their hard drives. That is located just south of the belly button, above the Joy Stick.
Old men are stuck with floppy drives.

Women, on the other hand have an abundance of volatile memory. Like damned rammed DRAM, SRAM. In the absence of constant input and assurances, they lose their programs. They overheat. They lose their confidence interval. Their CPU's must be rebooted. This is accomplished by pressing their nose, left eye and their belly button...all at the same time...kinda like {control, alt, delete} on a computer.

Since a man only has two hands, he can only do the nose and left eye push...for the belly button, he must use his third and shortest leg to press her belly button. This is what she wants and needs to feel safe.
Also, by removing the third leg from its zippered case, she can inspect it for scratches, blotches, lipstick and other wear and tear conditions. She needs assurances that it is only used on her....belly button.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

SunCMars is the Jim Morrison of TAM. 

45 min apart is a long way, if you're codependent.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Serious trust issues on her part, I'd be forced to guess!

In any event, I'd say that it's well past time for a serious "Come to Jesus Meeting!"

One that she will attentively listen to and duly respect!*


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

45 minutes away is far if you want to share life with a person.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Texts can be interpreted different ways, so call and talk to her. FaceTime her a few times so she can see there's no other woman there. Find out if she has ever cheated or ever been cheated on, abandoned, abused, etc. (family of origin issues).


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

45 minutes is a long way from her Investment Bank.

She has seen the women thieves casing the joint...

All her love savings are in that thin-skulled vault.

And she knows that these women thieves have silk lined safety deposit boxes in the thinly guarded vault.

She knows, that once a women gets in, she can overpower the unarmed security guard.

All a women thief has to do is take his baton, his billy bob stick.....and stroke it. And stuff it in her silken moist purse. He will be helpless.

The thieves will ransack her man's sack.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

@SunCMars I have to say those were two of the bests posts I have read on TAM

OP, she does have trust issues. So do you. The difference is you not only recognize, but have incorporated your trust issues into your daily life. You do completely fine with things as they are. You have been there done that, and now understand that you don't really care whether she comes or goes, but you arearercompletely confident she won't.
She OTOH reacts to her trust issues with attempts to validate her issues by constantly testing them. She probably doesn't even know she is doing this, it is just reactive on her part as there appears to be a need to have her trust tested repeatedly.
The difference is your trust issues are manifested in a no-expectation world view, where as hers are completely based on expectation. I am sure you are having sex with her, she probably feels as though her "allowing" is to gain some payback in the form of commitment. You seem to not care any less.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

What she's doing comes from a place of insecurity... With you. She seems somewhat unsure of what she wants because a more assured woman (of what she wants) would not accept consecutive years as a comfort or fun woman kept at arms length. 

For some reason, she either loves you too much to let you go, or she is still stuck on the idea that she can win/capture your heart and change you into something you currently aren't. Or both. 

Sadly, she will have a crash & burn at this rate. You should have a straight up talk (again, if you have already) and re-assert your expectations in this relationship.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Satya said:


> What she's doing comes from a place of insecurity... With you. She seems somewhat unsure of what she wants *because a more assured woman (of what she wants) would not accept consecutive years as a comfort or fun woman kept at arms length.*
> 
> For some reason, she either loves you too much to let you go, or she is still stuck on the idea that she can win/capture your heart and change you into something you currently aren't. Or both.
> 
> Sadly, she will have a crash & burn at this rate. You should have a straight up talk (again, if you have already) and re-assert your expectations in this relationship.


I agree with everything except the bolded. By my definition, a self-assured woman would be fine with an arm's-length relationship.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She wants more out of the relationship than you do -- a bigger commitment than you want. 

She very likely isn't going to change her mind about what she wants. So where does that eventually leave you? Looking for a new gf.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Satya said:


> What she's doing comes from a place of insecurity... With you. She seems somewhat unsure of what she wants because *a more assured woman (of what she wants) would not accept consecutive years as a comfort or fun woman kept at arms length. *
> 
> For some reason, she either loves you too much to let you go, or she is still stuck on the idea that she can win/capture your heart and change you into something you currently aren't. Or both.
> 
> Sadly, she will have a crash & burn at this rate. You should have a straight up talk (again, if you have already) and re-assert your expectations in this relationship.


Spot on Satya!

Few women want to be a "comfort women". A women to have and hold, to have and to stroke, to have and to pump. And to be 'nothing more'. :crying:

She wants to be his exclusive women. She wants him with strings detached. She wants to take these loose ends and connect them to her X-Paddle.

The thick long rope at his leg juncture is the first to be tied off. The first to be tied to her paddle. If she has control of THIS, she controls the Mani-kin.

And a string that is 45 minutes away is a long string. A controlling string that is useless. A string that only works with a Wink and a Trusting Nod...and Hope.....Hope, not from Canada.

As it is, she pulls 'taut' that 'one' long string, the penile connection chord....as does a fisherwomen. An antithetical fisherwomen. She feels the string action. NOT wanting a bite or a jerk. She knows not what the other end is "up" to. She wants, needs and presumes that it remains in the "down" position. 

She is hoping the string is not connected to an Angler Fish. A hunter of slippery suck-her fish. Dan Rather that is connected to an Angel Fish.:biggrinangelA:
@Satya is right. She feels in limbo, a kept women, a FWB....not a women who is cherished, and loved exclusively.

OP.....give her truth, give her a ring.....or cut her free. She needs the next step forward. A long overdue step, Methinks. Eh?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

She wants more committment than you do and seems to have issues with insecurity. What is her history? Maybe she is playing for keeps and after 2 years cannot understand you don't want more, maybe thinks there is someone on the side. 

Be up front with her and tell her you don't like it and give her the option to move on.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

You told her how you really feel and she pretended to agree, but she really didn't believe you and thought you would 'come around'. You still feel the same way, and she's getting desperate.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

There's either one of two things going on here. Either she really does care about you and wants the relationship to proceed to the next level OR she's horribly codependent and would make your life miserable if she moved in with you. Maybe try to spend a week with her to try to figure out which one it is? Would there be any chance you would reconsider your stance on remarrying?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

OnTheRocks said:


> I agree with everything except the bolded. By my definition, a self-assured woman would be fine with an arm's-length relationship.


I was thinking of the bolded as conditional of her expecting a long-term, committed relationship, which is what it sounded like from OPs post.
A woman that wants a committed relationship would not accept the terms as they are. She'd likely want to live together, as but one example of a demonstration of commitment. It depends on what she believes is demonstrative of commitment.

If a less committed or more carefree relationship is what she wants (which was not what I interpreted), then my comment still stands.

A woman sure of what she wants will do anything necessary to achieve it, including letting go of a relationship that will not ultimately net her what she wants.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Have you had your rebound relationship or is this it perhaps? Are you her's? Sounds like she may have some cheating in her past that causes her to be cautious and observant. Try and talk to her clearly about how this is making you feel and see what she does with it.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Satya said:


> I was thinking of the bolded as conditional of her expecting a long-term, committed relationship, which is what it sounded like from OPs post.
> A woman that wants a committed relationship would not accept the terms as they are. She'd likely want to live together, as but one example of a demonstration of commitment. It depends on what she believes is demonstrative of commitment.
> 
> If a less committed or more carefree relationship is what she wants (which was not what I interpreted), then my comment still stands.
> ...


It sounds like the OP never gave her the idea that he wanted a full time, living-together relationship. Sounds like he's been pretty clear that marriage / cohabitation is not for him. If she had healthy self-esteem, she would understand that and set up appropriate expectations, or say goodbye and move on. Otherwise, you get what we have here: codependency, attempted manipulation, and paranoia.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

OnTheRocks said:


> It sounds like the OP never gave her the idea that he wanted a full time, living-together relationship. Sounds like he's been pretty clear that marriage / cohabitation is not for him. If she had healthy self-esteem, she would understand that and set up appropriate expectations, or say goodbye and move on. Otherwise, you get what we have here: codependency, attempted manipulation, and paranoia.


I agree completely. I am not blaming the OP for feeling the way he does, but I am drawing a conclusion about his gf based on his OP and subsequent responses. 

My original comment was that I thought his gf was insecure, because she was accepting less than what she seemingly wanted and expected for their relationship. I believe that women will accept less than what they truly want if they are a.) insecure and/or b.) naive because they think that with enough loyalty or effort they can change men to suddenly be more committed, and/or c.) deeply in love with the man more than the self-love needed to push for the necessary goals to obtain their own happiness.

I say this because I once was this way myself a long time ago and I've seen many, many other women make the same mistakes.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Waaaaaaay too possessive, codependent, needy, take your pick.


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