# need to stick it out.....



## lovegreen (Mar 3, 2011)

Hello a newbie here....got lots of thoughts....checked out other forums....this one fits me most..
I had an aha the last argument we had....I want to have happiness in my life...and I will in a year......gotta stick it out for my baby's senior year....
Long story short...marriage never was normal....my midlife crisis hit
and things I just accepted became unacceptable. Husband dislikes any form of unnecessary conversation. marriage has serious sex issues...husband put in hidden camera...disrespect(dealing with our daughter)...no communication regarding problems...if he was hurt he would write letter as to what his feelings were. I suggested MC....he said NO many times...finally I told him if you want to save this marriage WE need MC schedule an appointment which he never did... I caved in and now have the same communication with him as he gave me our whole marriage..
yeah I know not a good thing...
My coworker of 10 years told me I was mentally abuse...never thought I was....then mid life hit....decided to stick it out for my daughter....have done it for a few years.....guess need to vent and hopefully get some opinions.....:scratchhead:


----------



## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> finally I told him if you want to save this marriage WE need MC schedule an appointment which he never did


 Can you schedule it? If not get in MC or PC yourself. You are going to have a hard time coming out of this.

You guys seem very stuck for a long time. I'm not sure its worth sticking this out. I don't think its better for your daughter. What she is learning from you guys is the wrong way to do it.

There aren't may details here. Its hard to say much.


----------



## lovegreen (Mar 3, 2011)

I know theres nothing left....but...why not stick it out til the daughters outa HS...why put drama in her sr year...yea she knows theres issues...the bad marriage has already affected her,(regarding the disrespect)...much better now...weathered that storm.
why didnt I schedule appt...he wouldn't go, he feels, wasn't anyone elses business.again the communicating problem...I know I am half the problem, he has never admitted to being part our problem...


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

If you look through older posts, you'll see that your situation is not uncommon. Women or men who set out future dates for leaving. Some will say that this puts you in a mindset where you will never give him a chance to change. They'll say the spouse should always suspect this once the wife has quit arguing and trying to make things better. I tend to think its practical, assuming that you and your daughter are not being abused, or that you are open to changing your mind if he has some sort of epiphany.

How aware is your daughter to the state of your marriage? If she learns that you only stuck it out for her, will it hurt her?

Personally, the hidden camera thing creeps me out. Not sure the point of him doing this, but it makes it sound like he's the type who has no respect for you, and his refusal to attend MC is understandable, but wrong. But would he change if he wasn't so sure that you were willing to leave?


----------



## AlwaysThinkingMaybe (Jan 31, 2011)

Do you feel that it was worth it to spend these last few years in this marriage for your daughter's sake?

For me, that would be another 10 years.....


----------



## lovegreen (Mar 3, 2011)

AlwaysThinkingMaybe said:


> Do you feel that it was worth it to spend these last few years in this marriage for your daughter's sake?
> 
> For me, that would be another 10 years.....




Well it has been 3 yrs since I knew, when she graduated HS I would leave my marriage...The marriage had been not good long before that....(guess it has been about ten yrs since our problems started....)we tolerate each other...at times we argue....this last time I got my aha moment because he thinks its only him that is hurt, that I'm fine with our relationship....
I am really ready to have peace/happiness back. If my daughter wasnt a senior this coming year....I'd be gone in a heart beat....but...I don't want her to be stressed her last year of HS...plus mother/daughter relationship is good NOW...

I see in these posts alot of us married people stay for numerous reason....I agree as long as there is no physical abuse and as for mental abuse...we all dish that out to our parnters at some point... but if its exteme its as bad as physical abuse.

Its hard on the mind trying to decide whats best..for your own happiness or what you think your kids need....


----------



## lovegreen (Mar 3, 2011)

Halien said:


> If you look through older posts, you'll see that your situation is not uncommon. Women or men who set out future dates for leaving. Some will say that this puts you in a mindset where you will never give him a chance to change. They'll say the spouse should always suspect this once the wife has quit arguing and trying to make things better. I tend to think its practical, assuming that you and your daughter are not being abused, or that you are open to changing your mind if he has some sort of epiphany.
> 
> How aware is your daughter to the state of your marriage? If she learns that you only stuck it out for her, will it hurt her?
> 
> Personally, the hidden camera thing creeps me out. Not sure the point of him doing this, but it makes it sound like he's the type who has no respect for you, and his refusal to attend MC is understandable, but wrong. But would he change if he wasn't so sure that you were willing to leave?


Yea the camera thing....is a serious problem...(in my state it is illegal to record someones voice/etc w/o knowledge)...thats when we had our biggest hurdle so to speak..promise made were broken...no physical abuse, some mental, mainly concerning our daughter.
My daughter knows her father and I have problems. I have talked to her a little , mainly how her father and I communicate...isnt normal. His anger about our marriage carried over into him letting her disrespect me when ever she didnt like her punishment/chores etc., that was 3 years ago and when I knew.....things are good with my daughter now, thank GOD!
Yes I have read many other post with same confusion as WHAT to do....its hard......are your being selfish for wanting happiness again???? 
Would I be dead set against an epiphany...hmmm not really sure.....would have to think about it when it happened...dont think thats likely, his favorite qoute is I dont need a roommate....think he might be done to....


----------



## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> this last time I got my aha moment because he thinks its only him that is hurt, that I'm fine with our relationship....





> I know theres nothing left....but...why not stick it out til the daughters outa HS...why put drama in her sr year


Does he know you are only sticking it out till the end of her senior year?



> I see in these posts alot of us married people stay for numerous reason....I agree as long as there is no physical abuse and as for mental abuse...we all dish that out to our parnters at some point..





> Would I be dead set against an epiphany...hmmm not really sure.....would have to think about it when it happened...dont think thats likely, his favorite qoute is I dont need a roommate....think he might be done to....


If there is any willingness on either of your parts, get in MC. Push for it again if you are willing.

There is always hope. People do change. Sometimes the stuborn ones take forever. Check out cdbaker's story if you are interested in reading someone fundamentally change.

You are both stuck and hurt and have been for a long time. MC fixes that. If your marriage is fixable, do it.


----------



## lovegreen (Mar 3, 2011)

Hello again....
well...the saga continues...our last argument I didn't mention he accused me of cheating, because I go out w/ gf and don't come home til 3am. Mind you this going out is maybe once every 3 months or so..not a weekly thing...
Now to recent events...I snooped in his phone, he went out for his birthday didn't come home til like 5am...I know this as I don't sllep very well.wake up alot, but when I am asleep I am OUT to the world..I get up in the morning..see his phone on couch...hmmm..I look at his texts...from a Lisa talking about going out for b'day. He says yes going w/ my brothers @ a club...etc..come join us. Then I look what other text from her...nothing incriminating really..but alot of those nasty sex type text/pics from her. (No pics of her). I procede to look @ his photo album...hmmm... he had pics of me sleeping showing private areas..DELETE!!! wtf .. really my daughter happened to be sleeping w me..that night...you could see her in pics.I have a lock on my door for a couple of reason, door wasn't locked that night...more pics of my daughter and me sitting in our back yard, he took them from different rooms in the house...wierd...DELETE.
ok the whole camera thing creeps me the .... out.(Due to the whole hidden camera episode.) I wait to talk to him about it...I am pissed..One night he came home from work..were watching tv, conversing(my daughter & grandson) h starts to talk to daughter and callls her Lisa...Im thinking ohh no he didn't....(hind sight shoulda said something @ the time it happened). Kids in room...so I wait...next day kids not around ..I ask him who Lisa is, you called your daughter Lisa..last night,text messages, pics...h...I disnt call her Lisa, wtf why you going thru my phone...shes a friend/co-worker...other people from work were coming...didn't I read those to...ME..yea I read all texts no other co-workers texts about going out. oh since when does your co. allow mgr to associate w/ employ you manage outside of work. h...they changed it awhile back...as long as its not on a regular...hhmm .ok...
I got up and calmly told him he was a creep for taking the pics and not to ever again accuse me of cheating, when you gets texts from woman of sexual content/about going out....
and went upstairs. 
My daughter and I have had convos about her dad and my relationship...not normal...etc...So within this time frame my grandson, her and I were talking in general about divorce.(oh I just need to explain grandson...in case ur wondering not this daughters child, I have an older daughter from other relationship. Youngest and grandson 3 yrs age difference). D says i worry that you n dad will get divorce when I graduate. If your gonna do that you might as well do it now...GS says..I would rather my parents stay together...til Im oua school...HMMM interesting. My grandson ask ..so who would you go with? d said mommy cuz dad would get me more stuff cuz he'd feel sorry for me...I said no I think he would be upset and would do the oppisite(I kno not good should not have included the last part). Conversation ended. So I have been thinking...would she understand the need for me to leave??? I am going to have that discussion with her this weekend while we're visiting my OD. Thinking about taking a time out for couple months and go to the area I am considering moving to. Come back and talk to husband. Sooo...whatcha alls opinion???:scratchhead:


----------



## lovegreen (Mar 3, 2011)

anx said:


> Does he know you are only sticking it out till the end of her senior year?
> 
> 
> Anx ...sorry didn't reply til now..stopped coming til now...He knows...he has said to me many times during arguemnets...why don;t you just leave...I don't need a roommate...once again neither do I ...but he doesn't see that I am hurting to...//He was in my email a few years back and printed out a few, one was how to prepare for divorce/leaving...:rofl:...yes I snoop and yes he knows I do because I admit it...he says he never snoops...yea find that hard to believe...we all do it...really...if your mate leaves something open...you look. He accused me of cheating...and hes not going to look....right...but he will stand firm and say NO i don't.


----------



## rfAlaska (Jul 28, 2011)

lovegreen said:


> Hello again....
> I procede to look @ his photo album...hmmm... he had pics of me sleeping showing private areas..DELETE!!! wtf .. really my daughter happened to be sleeping w me..that night...you could see her in pics.I have a lock on my door for a couple of reason, door wasn't locked that night...more pics of my daughter and me sitting in our back yard, he took them from different rooms in the house...wierd...DELETE.
> ok the whole camera thing creeps me the .... out.(Due to the whole hidden camera episode.)


I recognize that I may be a bit naive to what really goes on behind closed doors, but common sense to me says that your husband (really, STBX) is a total pervert. Taking pictures of you sleeping (assuming without your consent) is horrible, having your daughter in the pictures, accidental or not takes it to a new and more than likely completely illegal level.

In my mind, sticking around is clearly putting your daughter in imminent danger. Do what you have to do and get the hell out of there. Try to get a restraining order as well. Pro-Marriage is good, there is a short list of things that mandate an immediate out. This is one of them.


----------



## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

You both are going to be hurt, not thinking strait, angry, snoop or accuse the other of cheating. That happens in virtually every situation that ends up as roommates. also, feeling empathy and seeing the pain in the other person is so.hard when you are hurting. You probably have a hard time relating to or responding to you husbands hurt.

I still encourage you to do mc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lovegreen (Mar 3, 2011)

rfAlaska said:


> I recognize that I may be a bit naive to what really goes on behind closed doors, but common sense to me says that your husband (really, STBX) is a total pervert. Taking pictures of you sleeping (assuming without your consent) is horrible, having your daughter in the pictures, accidental or not takes it to a new and more than likely completely illegal level.
> 
> In my mind, sticking around is clearly putting your daughter in imminent danger. Do what you have to do and get the hell out of there. Try to get a restraining order as well. Pro-Marriage is good, there is a short list of things that mandate an immediate out. This is one of them.


WOW...your post is very interesting...and concerns me...and has my mind going million mph......what is pro marriage/list of outs?


----------



## lovegreen (Mar 3, 2011)

:scratchhead:Anx...I know my husband is suffering as am I.... 9X out of 10 he is having sexual relationship w/ someone. I understand that. It would bother me, however if he was having a emotional one....omg. I would not take that very well....
I do think he thinks he is the hurt one/victim. I understand why he has rare out bursts...but when I have mine Im a B!tch...


----------



## rfAlaska (Jul 28, 2011)

lovegreen said:


> WOW...your post is very interesting...and concerns me...and has my mind going million mph......what is pro marriage/list of outs?


Pro-Marriage = in general you should fight for your marriage.
List of outs = reasons to get out of a marriage.

Seriously, taking pictures of you half-naked, having an affair .... You may be a b!tch when you get upset but with all due respect, leave your husband - today if possible. No one should have to put up with any of that.

Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

If you're using being a b*tch when you get upset as a reason to accept blame for marriage issues, it won't fly with me. I am sorry this love isn't working out the way you dreamed it would, and in a way where you put your energies to make it happen and to feed a healthy loving relationship. I would be angry too. After a while, I wouldn't be sure who I was angry at though...myself or my H. I can see how after so many years of dismissing this and that 'anomaly of behavior' on your H's part, leaving would be like facing an addiction. It's not for the faint of heart. The logistics are easy enough, but the mental resolve and total commitment to one's on emotional and financial health (as well as that of a child) is a huge obstacle. I know for me, forward thinking (the belief that the future will provide just the right opportunity or circumstance) is something that 'gets me stuck'. You get to the future and it is just like today. It's always now. Do what you need to be 'happy' now. 

I think for me the wake-up call was when my son's girlfriend had an accident at the end of our road that should have left her dead but she walked out unscathed. (Tiny car hit by a heavy equipment flatbed tractor trailer while she was turning...) Anything can happen in the blink of an eye. We know that but we choose to ignore it. Next year. You're making the assumption that everything but your choice to leave will be the same next year. You're deciding in advance that you will accept whatever comes your way in your marriage until next year. But what if part of that is accepting treatment that renders you unable to emotionally make your move next year? In riding the merry go round and focusing on your own staying power, you've forgotten that the world that is not on this merry go round is also changing. The going round and round til the music stops while everything stays the same off the carousel is an illusion, an immersion. 

I would also, personally, not demonstrate to a young woman this sort of staying power. Even my children ages 7 and 10 understand why I have to leave my marriage. They get it, a year or even a few days in a house where we are not free to be happy and loved, is too many. 

If a truck comes barrelling down the road in back of us (metaphorically) we will be singing on impact, and not the blues, at least not by choice.


----------



## lovegreen (Mar 3, 2011)

Soo has anyone tried a amicible divorce w/o lawyer? 

My H is very thrifty in some ways...I'm thinking when I decide to have THE talk with him...I could have info @ hand for him to review...lol... He is not very good with sharing---believes what is his is his only. In our state it is 50/50. Thinking the less I take from him the more reasonable he will be....Let him keep the house, and put my half in daughters name...no need have to worry about selling house. Especially in this economy. Yes there is retirement funds, stock shares w/work and a rather healthy checking account. Knew he had account but the amount shocked me...
so am I just delussional that it can be somewhat close to amicable???? My H is ready imo as to his "why dont you leave" comments. (Funny he didn't say that the last arguement) I had decided next time he says it my response would be ...why don't you leave... I have had anger problems, not always directed at him. He hates confrontations of any type. Since making the decsion to go when D graduates, I am the calm one and he has become the agressor in our arguements. 
I have a million things in my head...sooo...If daughter is okay with me leaving..think this is gonna happen before she graduates HS...being uncomfortable in my own house sucks, being lonely w/ your husband sitting next to you sucks....opinions welcome...


----------



## lovegreen (Mar 3, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> who I was angry at though...myself or my H. I can see how after so many years of dismissing this and that 'anomaly of behavior' on your H's part, leaving would be like facing an addiction.
> 
> 
> Anything can happen in the blink of an eye. We know that but we choose to ignore it. Next year. You're making the assumption that everything but your choice to leave will be the same next year. You're deciding in advance that you will accept whatever comes your way in your marriage until next year.
> ...



Home, I have done that exactly...thinking I am not able to keep on accepting thinhgs this way...

Home, I understand what you are saying and concur. Change is needed...

I am understanding that more ....as per D and my convo about her fear we would divorce after she graduates HS, and if we feel that way why not do it now...So I will have a talk w/ her this weekend and see what she has to say....:scratchhead:


----------

