# His kids hate me, Ex is vindictive. Help!



## TiredOne74

I have been with my fiancee for 6 years now. I will not walk down the aisle yet as his kids are a big problem. His ex wife has always been vindictive and selfish. I knew going in to this relationship that it would be difficult waters to tread. They divorced because she cheated on him numerous times. During the times she'd cheat, she'd take the kids over to the guys house. The kids, at the time were 5 and 11. When he and I met, they were working on their divorce and separating. He and I were not serious in the least. We were just dating. The ex told the girls that the reason they were separating is because daddy didn't love mommy anymore because he found someone else and I told him he needed to leave. Kids believed her. She moved in to a small 1 bdrm apt with her, the two girls and her boyfriend. They have been miserable ever since. I have tried to include these kids in every aspect of my life. I have two boys of my own, who at the time were 7 and 9. They love my fiancee with all their heart. The girls are constantly faced with animosity at home. If they come to visit us, when they get home they are given a guilt trip about how they were so mean because they left their mom alone. Or if we invite them over or it is their scheduled weekend, the mom will make the girls cry by telling them they're being mean by leaving her. We took the kids on a trip to Disney World 2 years back and the mom called while we were in the park to tell them they were mean for leaving her behind and leaving her so sad. The rest of the day, the girls did nothing but cry and wanted to go home. 

Each year the situation has become worse and worse. This woman will not meet or speak with me on any terms. I have sat and talked with these kids explaining to them that I understand divorce is hard, that its hard for the situation they are in and I'm not trying to replace their mother. I'm just an adult figure who cares about them. Over the course of the last 2 years, I have received phone calls, texts and emails from the oldest (who is now 17) telling me that I need to leave them alone, stay away from them and I'm being disrespectful to their mom by buying things. My fiancee then asks what the problem is and they ultimately wind up saying mom makes us choose sides. Over a year and a half ago, the kids stopped coming over altogether. There was always a reason they couldn't come. We haven't seen the oldest in almost 2 years, although she still slings mud even though we have no contact. The youngest, now 11 wants to come back over. I told my fiancee no. I told him MY family, my kids and my nephew (who was broken hearted when his youngest quit coming over) can't handle this chaos anymore. I told him I just can't have my family being tormented by the actions of their mom. He has tried putting them in counseling and trying to get them to become neutral in the situation, but the minute the mom feels like they're distancing from her, she pulls the "you dont love me" or "get out of my house" bit and they go right back. My fiancee had to get up at 2am to go pick them up on a Friday night because they asked her why she makes them feel bad for loving dad. She told them "Get the f**k out of my house now" They didnt tell their dad why they needed to be picked up, he just went and got them. They live 1.5 hours away from us. It wasn't until the next morning we found out why.

He has explained to them how their foul actions and behaviors have affected us all badly. We don't trust that they'll come over and treat us with respect. They've come over, been rude to people, are bossy, act like spoiled brats and when they dont get what they want, they want to go home. My kids ask me time and time again why they act so bad. I just tell them its how they're raised.

My fiancee is ready to give up. I've already given up on them. He's gone through counseling with each individually, with them as a group. He's tried talking with them about their behaviors. If he tells them anything that makes him happy that has to do with me, they do everything to make life difficult. He is ready to just not visit with them anymore. He agreed with me that they didn't need to be in our home anymore because they didn't respect it. No matter how bad they were to me and my family, I continued to let them back in and treat them with respect. It wasn't until last year where we finally put an end to it. The oldest is trying to go off to college. Said she wants to get away from her mom. Her mom doesn't drive on the freeway and she doesn't want her daughter going to college outside the city. Now all of a sudden, my fiancee is being asked for help. Help in looking for schools, help in paying. I told him he needs to do that on his own, but that he's just being used. Once she gets situated, she'll quit talking to him again.

The youngest had to sit with her mom the last two months of summer at work. The year before she spent the whole summer with us. We went to the park, water park, played outside, had bbq's. When she went home and told her mom, her mom said I do those things to try and get them to like me. I have to 'buy' their love. Summer is upon us and she has told her dad she doesn't want to be stuck at her mom's work during the day. She wants to say sorry. I told him no. She can apologize, but she can't come over because I don't believe its genuine. I think she just wants to have a fun summer again. To get that, she needs to make up to everyone she hurt.

We are on the brink of insanity with these two girls. My kids dont like them because they say they're selfish and have called my kids dumb and fat. They tell them they look funny too. (My kids are half mexican/half black - his kids are half black/half japanese). It isn't about exes and them being his kids. I wouldnt allow this behavior in my house from my cousins kids, my sisters kids or ANYONEs kids. What do we do??!! We don't want to write them out, but we feel like we're at a loss. He doesn't want to visit them anymore because they are just so mean and hurtful, but at the same time he doesn't want to give up on his kids. HELP!!!!


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## preso

sounds like the kids may be a victim of PAS
( parental alientation syndrome) taught to hate their father and
everyone and everything in his life.


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## TiredOne74

I agree. I've believed that from the beginning. But what do you do at that point? Maybe we need to find some assistance with how to deal. It's been very difficult because I'm not that way to my kids at all!! I have a great relationship with my ex and it pains me to see my fiance go through this. If anyone can suggest some websites, I'd appreciate it.


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## drrhudy

We are limited on being able to post links to web sites, etc. However, I would encourage you to check out Focus on the Family.


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## Life Begins at 40

I'm sorry but it's such a cliche to believe that one side is good and other is pure "evil".

Truly contemplate your emotions and actions and see if there is anything you can do differently to mend relations.

Saying no to the 11 year old's effort to re-integrate seems rather harsh. She is just 11. You are an adult.


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## TiredOne74

I get where someone would think it's cliche...but this plight wasn't to show cliche. There is bad on both part, my fiancee should have grown some huevos a long time ago and quit letting this happen. But the evil does reside on that side. He and I pray all the time that she would find happiness in her life so she'd quit all she does. It truly is unbelievable. Sometimes I feel like we must be on candid camera, seriously.

There was more behind the decision to let the 11 year old re-integrate in to our lives. It may seem harsh, but what was harsher was watching her tear apart my 7 year old nephew and 5 year old niece with her words. We are not an 'escape' route for her. my 7 year old nephew was abandoned by his mother when he was 1. All of my family knows this. We have yet to explain this to him, but thanks to the 11 year old, we had to explain it earlier than wanted. 

Thanks to the folks who offered the help of PAS and focus on family. we were able to find a book aimed at 10/11 year olds to help them deal with this situation. I am forever grateful.

The 11 year old and her father have gone back to counseling and she and I have started talking again. The counselor is helping her to deal with her home situation. Once we feel she is strong enough, we will file for custody with the court to have her removed. Her older sister finishes school this year and is moving to southern california.


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## Sandy55

Your story is exactly _why _have a DH who, although married once long ago, had no children to bring into our marriage.

No way, no how. I wish adults could act like adults and think of their children before themselves :slap:. 

WARNING to anyone remarrying:

If the situation with steps sucks BEFORE you marry it isn't going to get ANY better anytime soon!

There needs to be a law.....


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## swedish

Sandy55 said:


> There needs to be a law.....


There is standard verbage in most divorce papers that prohibit the parents from speaking unkindly or negatively about their ex in front of the children.

It's in mine and has been broken many times. My only recourse would be the courts but I don't think that would stop it, only make it worse & the kids would wonder why I'm trying to get their dad in trouble. It's a tough spot to be in. I let it roll off and hope as they get older, they see things as they really are. 

My sister's husband's ex sounds the same as your husband's. Also many similarities in the girls. The youngest still visits (good girl) but we are sure not to ask her about her home life as it will cause her to clam up and feel uncomfortable. She also does not talk about any 'fun' she has at her dad's or her mom will flip. It's a horrible situation to think someone would put their own child through that is appalling.

My sister did some research on Narcissim and the ex fits to a 'T'.


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## foolz1

Being a step-parent is not easy. You usually have to work twice as hard to gain half the respect a biological parent receives. Believe me, "I have been there, done that." All of our kids are adults, technically, as my husband's three children certainly do not act like adults. I have just recently completely given up hope that they will ever change, and we basically have very little contact with them, anymore. All they have ever wanted from us is material goods. After a time, that becomes very old. It is clearly obvious to me and (FINALLY) my husband that all they want from us is money.

My two children are in contact with us often, and because I have never played games with them, we have a completely different relationship with them than we do with my step-children. I did not, nor would I have EVER allowed my children to treat my husband with the disrespect I have experienced with his kids. He accepted the disrespect because of the guilt he felt, for never being home for them. I finally had it with the "guilt gifts" and we have jointly chose to cut them off. That aspect of our problems has finally ceased to be. Thank God!


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## mrnice

Their should be laws against this form of child abuse.

Parental Alienation, it's a hideous crime which the courts will not recognise as yet.

Can it be assessed by a professional in this field(psychologist) absolutely. 

My son currently sees a psychologist due to the fact my ex is brain washing him with absolute bull$$hit to try and make me look like the bad person. 

My son loves me to death and says at times "Daddy I don't want to go back to mummys, she makes me upset by saying bad and nasty things about you"

Remember tiredone74, it is not the childrens fault that they are acting like this so try as hard as you can not to blame them.

The following websites have helped me a lot.
Welcome | Parental Alienation is Child Abuse
Child custody laws, Child custody Australia, Shared parenting, Family Law act, Fathers rights, free australian judgments

read up on as much parental alienation information as you can and be prepared.

Diaries, keep Text messages, keep emails. 
Don't ever fight fire with fire. Just smile and wave.

People who indulge in this sort of behaviour are extremely insecure within themselves and will try anything to alienate their kids from the father. 

The Alienator should be locked up and key thrown away.
They have no idea what they are doing to the kids. NONE whatsoever. It's pathetic.

Good luck and feel free to Private Message me on this topic since i've researched it thoroughly.


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## healthybaby

foolz1 said:


> All they have ever wanted from us is material goods. It is clearly obvious to me all they want from us is money.
> 
> I did not, nor would I have EVER allowed my children to treat my husband with the disrespect I have experienced with his kids. He accepted the disrespect because of the guilt he felt, for never being home for them.


I agree with you, and it's the same here. I'm very nice to my step-son, but there is no way for me to truly"love" him--never ever love someone like him.


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## mstsclark

That's so wrong for what she did....I mean especially for the length of time she done it. I've grown to realize children are going to believe what the other parent says about the absent parent regardless....especially if it's something bad. Hopefully the kids will eventually find it in their hearts to believe you and their dad and you all can go on wiith yall life


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