# Marriage on the rocks, I could really use some help



## ctf531 (Mar 20, 2016)

I'm 43 and met my wife when I was 19, we have been together married since and raised 2 beautiful now adults. There was no doubt I was in love and still very much am, she is the best person I've known and can't imagine life without her. 

We have been through a lot together but in the last few years it's like we're good friends that deal with life problems that once in a while get intimate. I was a virgin when I met her and really thought she would be the only one I would ever be with. One night about mid way through our marriage I messed up and had a 1 nighter (I was really horny and hadn't had it in months but still that's not an excuse, I screwed up) and it was one of the worst decisions/mistakes I ever made and I didn't like how I was treating her either, she deserved better. 

The guilt tore me up inside and I foolishly tried leaving my wife to eliviate my guilt. We stayed together and got through it although I never admitted my mistake to her at that time. Our intimate life wasn't very good, I don't get to touch her intimately and our sex life was very vanilla (not even oral or different positions existed) and we would be intimate maybe once a month sometimes with 3-4 months in between. I asked her why and she told me I didn't help much at home and always got to be the one that did "fun things and got to go out". I know it was probably unfair of me and placed much of the family duties on her and I could see she was getting tired and did my absolute best to help at home as much as possible, yet nothing changed. I had another woman approach me and this time I almost did it again but I simply couldn't bring myself to do it and it didn't happen.

I lost weight and quit smoking hoping my would kiss me again or find me attractive again and nothing changed. Then I would find her wedding rings on the dresser often, she would constantly want to know where I was/calling asking where I was all the while claim to be transparent (and make a point of it) yet she was quite secretive about certain things herself like wiping FB messages and email boxes, phone conversations, etc. I would find finger like bruises on her thighs randomly and she started getting aggressive about things that I had always done but now they bothered her. She would say things like "you never let me go see my friends" and that is very untrue as I've never had a problem with that. I confronted her and it got really nasty and she attacked me because I was the cheater, not her, how dare, etc although I know someone that insists my wife was doing something extra marital but I don't indulge that person. I had her followed for a week but all was normal and yes, I felt like a POS for doing that.

Several years later as life stress (children) and my job change plunged us in debt, and I still was married and heartbroken I had literally a meltdown...a 9 days in a ward followed by therapy to get over it type meltdown. In that time my wife visited me daily and has stuck by me since in the last 3 years. Things have turned around professionally and financially and my wife and I spend as much time as we can together on weekends as I travel often for work but it's just different. We had a spell of no intimacy that lasted 8 months after my meltdown and now 3 years after whenever we have chances to be a couple it seems she does everything to avoid it. I don't feel good, I'm tired and didn't sleep last night, my stomach is bothering me, I'm stressed. She never looks at me during sex and barely kisses me and when we have sex she makes me feel like she's hurrying to make me get off so she can get it over with and no, still no oral or position changes for that matter. I honestly feel like she'd rather be elsewhere with someone else and it really hurts.

Can marriages survive this way? What can I do beside always trying to be caring and loving like I have been? Did I put her through hell and this is why this is happening? Can a woman ever overcome this type of relationship or is it a doomed one? Can a husband overcome?

I have no doubt I love her with all my heart and want to spend my life with her but I don't think she feels the same about me.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

How did she find out about your cheating?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Being the best husband in the world will not help you if your old lady has a new love. You just can't compete with new love.

If I'm wrong then at least you tried and if I'm right you are just being luaghed at by her and her lover.

I suggest you find out what's really going on so you can have an effective plan in fighting for your marriage....your current plan isn't doing shyt ...is it?

I understand you don't like spying but you my friend are in a battle and have no idea who or what the enemy is. So as painful as it is you need to do the dirty work in finding out if being the best husband ever is going to pay off or just a joke between your wife and her lover.

That's my $0.02

For now keeping working on your self and raise your attraction level by being more confident towards your old lady rather then a kiss @ss to her!

Chick dig confident guys stop begging for this marriage.

Until she start to think twice and second guess the possiblity of losing you she will treat you any way she wants...after all you are tolerating it and from were I'm sitting you ain't going any were no matter how many secrets she keeps.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Well, assuming that she is not cheating, here is my advice.

You need to talk to her. You can try to be the best husband you know how to be, but that may not be good enough. She is obviously not getting something she needs from you, and it has resulted in emotional distancing. You need to sit her down and have a heart to heart, and tell her that you want to do better, and meet her needs.

You both reading the book "His Needs, Her Needs" and "The Five Love Languages" would also help. You need to ask her detailed questions about what she needs, and how you can be a better husband to her.

It sounds like your marriage has very little, or very poor communication. You need to change that. You need to start talking to her about whatever, and creating emotional intimacy within your relationship again. You need to be spending 15-16 hours a week with her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You mentioned the sex slowed down after the second kid, I'm curious how the sex was when you guys were young?

I bet she was fun as hell...I bet she still is...just not with you.

Face it man you are the rock, the security blank, the provider, the husband......my question is who is her lover?

It sucks man but you gotta do what you gotta do to protect your self and find out if this battle plan you have is going to be effective.


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## ctf531 (Mar 20, 2016)

Thanks for the replies. She found out because I told her.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

the guy said:


> You mentioned the sex slowed down after the second kid, I'm curious how the sex was when you guys were young?
> 
> I bet she was fun as hell...I bet she still is...just not with you.
> 
> ...


Why have you made no mention of the fact that he cheated?

Why have you not asked what they've done to address it? When women cheat that's the first thing to be addressed.

So OP, what did you guys to to address it? Or did you just rugsweep it?


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## ctf531 (Mar 20, 2016)

I confronted her once that I felt she was seeing someone and it got bad. She was angry and quite combative and really let me know that I wasn't being a good husband on many levels in her opinion. I've done my best to correct the things she mentioned but it doesn't seem to have helped in 3 years since. I really appreciate everyone who has responded!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ctf531 said:


> I'm 43 and met my wife when I was 19, we have been together married since and raised 2 beautiful now adults. There was no doubt I was in love and still very much am, she is the best person I've known and can't imagine life without her.
> 
> We have been through a lot together but in the last few years it's like we're good friends that deal with life problems that once in a while get intimate. I was a virgin when I met her and really thought she would be the only one I would ever be with. One night about mid way through our marriage I messed up and had a 1 nighter (I was really horny and hadn't had it in months but still that's not an excuse, I screwed up) and it was one of the worst decisions/mistakes I ever made and I didn't like how I was treating her either, she deserved better.
> 
> ...


Eh... you might want to listen to that person.

My read is that she cheated but, due to your own infidelity, felt justified in doing so.

And obviously she doesn't feel like she should cop to it.



ctf531 said:


> I had her followed for a wzeek but all was normal and yes, I felt like a POS for doing that.


A week is nothing. Did you look into things yourself?



ctf531 said:


> Several years later as life stress (children) and my job change plunged us in debt, and I still was married and heartbroken I had literally a meltdown...a 9 days in a ward followed by therapy to get over it type meltdown. In that time my wife visited me daily and has stuck by me since in the last 3 years. Things have turned around professionally and financially and my wife and I spend as much time as we can together on weekends as I travel often for work but it's just different. We had a spell of no intimacy that lasted 8 months after my meltdown and now 3 years after whenever we have chances to be a couple it seems she does everything to avoid it. I don't feel good, I'm tired and didn't sleep last night, my stomach is bothering me, I'm stressed. She never looks at me during sex and barely kisses me and when we have sex she makes me feel like she's hurrying to make me get off so she can get it over with and no, still no oral or position changes for that matter. I honestly feel like she'd rather be elsewhere with someone else and it really hurts.
> 
> Can marriages survive this way?


Survive? Sure.

Thrive? No.



ctf531 said:


> What can I do beside always trying to be caring and loving like I have been? Did I put her through hell and this is why this is happening? Can a woman ever overcome this type of relationship or is it a doomed one? Can a husband overcome?


If _both of you_ aren't committed to improving your marriage, it won't improve, at least not in a meaningful way.



lifeistooshort said:


> How did she find out about your cheating?


I was wondering that myself. He sort of glossed over that bit.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ctf531 said:


> Thanks for the replies. She found out because I told her.


Was this before or after you suspected her of cheating?


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## ctf531 (Mar 20, 2016)

I apologized and recommitted to being faithful. It happened about 10ish years ago, I admitted to it about 4 years ago. She said she felt like a fool and wasn't very happy about it but that we would move on if I promised to be transparent, and I have been.


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## ctf531 (Mar 20, 2016)

I admitted to mine after I suspected her.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Have you _talked_ w/ her about any of this?

Have the two of you attended any sort of marriage counseling?


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