# Love languages of women



## 71Climber (Dec 15, 2016)

First of all, I am a guy, and I wanted to post in the ladies' lounge specifically for input from the variety of women who may frequent this area. I have posted a few posts over the past week regarding my own story, and have received some invaluable insight. I won't go into my own story again here, anyone can certainly look at the thread "The last attempt" to find some of that.* Essentially, I really would like to know what really draws a woman to a man. I know answers will be varied. What is it about a man, what he does, how he relates, how he pursues, how he honors, how he makes you feel, that creates vulnerability, trust, and attraction? I ask specifically because I have had a struggle with pornography addiction for a number of years, and recovery from it is ongoing and certainly a process. As such, I have been very selfish in the way I have related to my wife sexually, entirely focused on my own needs in that area. 

If I am to do everything in my own power to change the dynamic between us in how we relate to one another, as I continue to begin to live a different life, one which is above reproach, faithful with my eyes, my heart, my body, one which truly does want to love her differently, I want to know ways which may speak directly to her as she continues to heal from the trauma that she has endured at my expense in our marriage. I am committed to the daily attempt to love her well, something I have not done to this point. And fundamental within that is absolute faithfulness, and 100% commitment to complete recovery. I want to simply live differently and in truth, and allow that to be a consistently obvious entity as she sees me. I want to be thoughtful, thinking of how I may make her life easier, doing little things that she does not ask for, but that I know she needs. I want to give her time to herself, to allow her to rest and recover from her normal family duties. I want to demonstrate kindness and be emotionally available. I want to be a present father with our children(which I have always been), but now more so as someone who is getting healthy.

So, ladies, I beg your opinions as to what a man may do that may create a stirring of the heart, a stirring that may continue to promote healing, but also feelings of desire, attraction, safety, and vulnerability. I do not see this as a time in our relationship for "romance", it is not appropriate. I see it as a time of patient work and a bit of hope, but I do want to speak to her in ways that may truly promote closer intimacy between us :wink2:.*


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

I've read your previous thread. In a previous relationship my partner cheated on one occasion that I know about. Despite his unwillingness to discuss the issue or express remorse I was able to maintain a sexual attraction to him and the sex did not suffer. That worked with no input from him only because sex was my primary need back then and I was absolutely obsessed with the guy. There's absolutely no way I could offer anything but mannequin sex to you if I was in your wife's shoes. My goodness, you screwed up real bad.

My interest in sex is tied to my need for honesty and most importantly, affection. If my partner has done something wrong he knows the first thing I need him to do once we've talked about the issue is to quit talking about it. He knows to just shut up and let his actions speak louder than words I've probably heard countless times before. So over time he'll be more affectionate, without it leading to sex or me even getting a hint that he's turned on. It seems to me that when there's not enough sex, it's in his best interest to avoid asking for it. I had sex issues with another ex and he did everything right in terms of affection, taking me out, buying me small meaningful gifts, holding me close, holding hands, hugs, boasting about my accomplishments and how great a person I was when in conversation with others - everything to make me feel special, womanly, sexy. Yet he made the fatal mistake of harassing me for it and complaining about it even after I suggested that that was not productive. All that good work would just go down the drain.

I think developing a keen understanding of your partner's primary emotional needs is key to unlocking genuine sexual interest. Be mysterious! Don't talk so much about whatever little things you decide to do, don't seek praise for it or express obvious expectations of positive responses from her. Instead make it clear that there are no conditions attached to your efforts to treat her like a queen.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There are billions of women, and they want different things. I don't think generalizations are much help.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

You're hoping for a miracle after 16 years of continual sh*t behavior towards your wife - you neglected to say that in your post.

You're basically trying to close the barn door after all the animals have *long* gone, moved to other states, have had animal children and animal grandchildren, and are probably retired or dead by now.

What you NEED to ask is "what possible thing could I do to erase *16 years* of my SH*T behavior from my wife's mind, eyes and heart and miraculously make her find me even remotely _worthy _of her time again?

I'm just being honest. * THAT'S* what you need to ask.

And for the life of me, I can't think of one single thing you could do at this point. Too much, too little, too late.


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## 71Climber (Dec 15, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt, thank you for your honesty, your certainly didn't hold back. Yes, I ABSOLUTELY have made grievous mistakes. Satan gained a foothold in my life when I was young, and I already had an addiction to pornography even before I was a teenager, ten years before my wife and I even married. I didn't even realize it was an "addiction", but it was. The neuroendocrine hormones released from the risk coupled with the imagery, etc, it is not unlike a drug addiction in that it similarly takes root in the brain and is quite powerful. This has been studied rigorously and is an accepted conclusion. I brought it into my marriage, continued to struggle silently with it, always feeling shame or guilt, not really knowing how to overcome it, or even talk to anyone about it. My wife was aware of it probably 15 years ago, but I think both of us didn't know the full depth of the struggle, and just felt that it would resolve itself. My use of it undoubtedly has repeatedly injured my wife, has made her feel bad about herself, and has wreaked havoc within our family. Indeed, what I have done is grounds for divorce for her in that I have been unfaithful with my eyes, and with my mind and heart, even though I have not had a physical affair. My hope is to continue to overcome my own demons, regardless of whether it works about between me and my wife or not. I am of the belief that good things are still possible, as I believe my wife's heart is still tender, and she has hope that God may still heal our marriage. Obviously, the only way that it does work is found in patience, time, and my actions revealing true change within me. My only reason for posting is one of curiosity-to see what it is that speaks love to women, what it is that makes them feel loved, that makes them feel the safety and vulnerability that is so important in intimacy. It seems you are of the opinion that I am a lost cause, and that I have no right to even want to know such things. I was not looking for an indictment, only what women desire in a healthy relationship. I'm just trying to learn...


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I think shoes should be a love language for women.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Treat her the way you would want to be treated. Men and women are different, we are not the same. But, you can't go wrong if you treat others the way you want to be treated. Not that hard, really.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

My love language is words of affirmation, but more specifically, florid, sappy romantic lines. I think I'd do literally anything my husband asked of me if he suddenly started comparing my hair to spun sunbeams or something equally romantic. It's not hard to learn to do, so I'm not sure why so many guys seem to have trouble with this. Just read Jane Austen or Emily Bronte, memorize a few lines from the scenes containing passionate confessions of eternal ardor, and repeat them whilst looking soulfully into your wife's eyes over dinner. It's not hard at ALL.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

There's no one size fits all, my wife has no particular interest in shoes at all. Plus having just asked her as she lies beside me, she cringes at romantic sappy anything aimed at her and wouldn't be charmed by it at all.

For example if I quoted Austen or Bronte to her, she'd laugh at me.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

uhtred said:


> There are billions of women, and they want different things. I don't think generalizations are much help.


There are basic (thus general) differences between men and women. As a reasonable starting point, beginning with women in general will get 90% or so right. Start with the basics and then learn the individual woman's specifics.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> Just read Jane Austen or Emily Bronte, memorize a few lines from the scenes containing passionate confessions of eternal ardor, and repeat them whilst looking soulfully into your wife's eyes over dinner. It's not hard at ALL.


Jane Austen is so syrupy... I prefer quotes from Lifetime Movie Network movies instead.












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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Relationship Teacher said:


> There are basic (thus general) differences between men and women. As a reasonable starting point, beginning with women in general will get 90% or so right. Start with the basics and then learn the individual woman's specifics.


LOL. You should perhaps enlighten OP then, as to what things will get you that level of success.

Better still, bottle it and sell it. You'll be a millionaire.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Personal said:


> There's no one size fits all, my wife has no particular interest in shoes at all. Plus having just asked her as she lies beside me, she cringes at romantic sappy anything aimed at her and wouldn't be charmed by it at all.
> 
> For example if I quoted Austen or Bronte to her, she'd laugh at me.


Yeah, romantic and sappy don't do much for me either. 

Shoes are useless these days now that i have to trudge through mountains of snow to get anywhere. Boots are handy though.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

For me, it is emotional safety. I do not think there is anything I could say or do that would make my husband stop loving me. And that makes me trust him.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

wild jade said:


> LOL. You should perhaps enlighten OP then, as to what things will get you that level of success.
> 
> Better still, bottle it and sell it. You'll be a millionaire.


Useless sarcasm.

There is a lot one can learn by studying "women" in general. This applies to biology and physiology, etc. I don't need to bottle it. One needs to look no further than a college textbook or common book on marriage. Gottman didn't become so successful for relaying differences in sex, it was his many empirical studies and the applications that were enlightened. The 90% is related to understanding. Knowledge alone doesn't imply success.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Useless sarcasm.
> 
> There is a lot one can learn by studying "women" in general. This applies to biology and physiology, etc. I don't need to bottle it. One needs to look no further than a college textbook or common book on marriage. Gottman didn't become so successful for relaying differences in sex, it was his many empirical studies and the applications that were enlightened. The 90% is related to understanding. Knowledge alone doesn't imply success.


To be honest, I'm actually and sincerely hoping that you will enlighten OP instead of just making proclamations about how easy it is to understand all women with a simple college textbook.

I'm very curious what this textbook has to say (although would not be at all surprised if I disagree with the "facts" that help a man to understand 90% of women.)


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

My love language is touch. So is my hubbys. Yet, our differing sex drive levels are our biggest hurdle...Then I remind myself. We touch constantly. Holding hands, hugging, snuggling etc. Sex is not touch. Touch is just a part of sex. Always trying to get that through my thick skull.:grin2:


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

wild jade said:


> To be honest, I'm actually and sincerely hoping that you will enlighten OP instead of just making proclamations about how easy it is to understand all women with a simple college textbook.
> 
> I'm very curious what this textbook has to say (although would not be at all surprised if I disagree with the "facts" that help a man to understand 90% of women.)


Wait... there's a single book?

Will useful sarcasm work? (I was up all night updating routers and our core firewall... some entertaining conversations happen this time of morning and for some reason, my team brings up understanding women about their 3rd pot of coffee on these nights... I had them puzzled when I told them the best way to protect women in their gender roles is to release them from those roles)

SARCASM MODE: *DISABLED*

It's not enough to know the language... one has to understand how it applies and how it doesn't.

And I don't even know who Austen or Bronte are... time to learn more new things here on TAM.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Will useful sarcasm work? .


Personally, I'm a huge fan of useful sarcasm!!


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

wild jade said:


> To be honest, I'm actually and sincerely hoping that you will enlighten OP instead of just making proclamations about how easy it is to understand all women with a simple college textbook.


Make a sincere attempt to understand what I have said and am saying. Strawman arguments don't get either of us anywhere.

I didn't say it was easy. It is not easy.

I didn't say to reference "simple" college textbooks. I said to reference college textbooks or common marriage books.

You are free to quote me.



> I'm very curious


You are not sincerely curious. You confronted me with disbelief and bias.



> what this textbook has to say (although would not be at all surprised if I disagree with the "facts" that help a man to understand 90% of women.)


A man?

I didn't say that one would understand 90% of women. I said to study women in general and to then study the specific woman.

It is a fact that women arouse differently than men, tending to need at least 10 minutes before they are fully ready for sex, 5 minutes after many males finish (skipping formal foreplay). They are more emotional than men, requiring their feelings to be appreciated/understood, even if the man disagrees with what is being said. Sex might entirely be off the table while a woman is pregnant, not because she hates her husband, and not because she is a bad person. Science has great ways of demystifying the seemingly incomprehensible.

Are you surprised?

:wink2:


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Useless sarcasm.
> 
> There is a lot one can learn by studying "women" in general. This applies to biology and physiology, etc. I don't need to bottle it. One needs to look no further than a college textbook or common book on marriage. Gottman didn't become so successful for relaying differences in sex, it was his many empirical studies and the applications that were enlightened. The 90% is related to understanding. Knowledge alone doesn't imply success.


.......Ummmm, boring and clinical..........NEXT.....


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Betrayedone said:


> .......Ummmm, boring and clinical..........NEXT.....


It really is dependent on the individual woman. I constantly find myself reading posts from women here on TAM and saying to myself "not me."

I would want to GAG if my husband quotes Jane Austen. My love language is touch but the ultimate touch for me is sex. I have no desire for a high level career while raising my kids. I want to be 100 percent dedicated to the nurture and care of my husband, kids and home. I get absolutely nothing from masturbating so I don't do it, in spite of wanting sex so bad I could scream while my H was temporarily relocated. I don't fantasize about other men nor get the least bit aroused by other good looking men. I hate porn. 

All of the above I have read at various times that most or all women are the opposite. So you see it would do my husband no good to know what "most" women want because that's not going to be me.

Shoes would work 100 percent of the time though.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Betrayedone said:


> .......Ummmm, boring and clinical..........NEXT.....


You have to interact with reality, whether or not you find it boring. There is nothing clinical about understanding what makes a woman who she is. It leads to treating her much better and avoiding arguments about things she cannot change.



Emerging Buddhist said:


> Wait... there's a single book?


There was never a claim that there was a single book.



thefam said:


> It really is dependent on the individual woman. I constantly find myself reading posts from women here on TAM and saying to myself "not me."
> 
> All of the above I have read at various times that most or all women are the opposite. So you see it would do my husband no good to know what "most" women want because that's not going to be me.


The individual differences between women are quite small on a proper scale. The task isn't specifically to "know what most women want", but to understand "women". That is the starting point.

Still think I'm wrong?

Imagine your husband only knows his previous romantic partner's specifics. Does that get you anything...........unless he applies his general understanding of women (the canvas) to you and then he adds the color necessary to fill in the rest.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Wait... there's a single book?
> 
> Will useful sarcasm work? (I was up all night updating routers and our core firewall... some entertaining conversations happen this time of morning and for some reason, my team brings up understanding women about their 3rd pot of coffee on these nights... I had them puzzled when I told them the best way to protect women in their gender roles is to release them from those roles)
> 
> ...


You are in for a treat if you have never read _Wuthering Heights._ One of the most passionate love stories of all time . . .


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Relationship Teacher said:


> It is a fact that women arouse differently than men, tending to need at least 10 minutes before they are fully ready for sex, 5 minutes after many males finish (skipping formal foreplay). They are more emotional than men, requiring their feelings to be appreciated/understood, even if the man disagrees with what is being said. Sex might entirely be off the table while a woman is pregnant, not because she hates her husband, and not because she is a bad person. Science has great ways of demystifying the seemingly incomprehensible.
> 
> Are you surprised?
> 
> :wink2:


Yes, actually, I am a bit surprised. Quite a lot of women actually have their sex drive go through the roof when they are pregnant, and it is the man who is reluctant or turned off or weirded out by having pregnant sex. Also, women's arousal may operate differently than men, but most guys I've been with aren't 5 minute pumpers, nor would I make any generalizations about 10 mins of foreplay. As for emotional, are you saying that men don't want to be appreciated or understood? Because that isn't my experience .....

You are right that I did read your original post with skepticism. Often the so-called "generalities" really do not apply. And in OP's case, he has seemingly systematically alienated his wife and eroded her trust. I'm not sure that knowing any generalities will help him restore it.

And if it were me, he would absolutely have to find a way to restore that trust if he was going to make any headway at all.


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## 71Climber (Dec 15, 2016)

*" And in OP's case, he has seemingly systematically alienated his wife and eroded her trust. I'm not sure that knowing any generalities will help him restore it.

And if it were me, he would absolutely have to find a way to restore that trust if he was going to make any headway at all."*

....yes, I absolutely agree, as the original poster of the thread. Trust is the first step. I'm working on that as we speak, hoping that it is indeed possible that, in time, it can be restored. Even though everything we have been through, and I am not mentioning the things that occurred in her life as well that helped make all of this a "perfect storm", there is still hope. I cling to that. Trust is not static. It's on me to earn it. I get that. It is about living differently, being above reproach, having integrity, being faithful. I don't believe it is too late.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

71Climber said:


> *" And in OP's case, he has seemingly systematically alienated his wife and eroded her trust. I'm not sure that knowing any generalities will help him restore it.
> 
> And if it were me, he would absolutely have to find a way to restore that trust if he was going to make any headway at all."*
> 
> ....yes, I absolutely agree, as the original poster of the thread. Trust is the first step. I'm working on that as we speak, hoping that it is indeed possible that, in time, it can be restored. Even though everything we have been through, and I am not mentioning the things that occurred in her life as well that helped make all of this a "perfect storm", there is still hope. I cling to that. Trust is not static. It's on me to earn it. I get that. It is about living differently, being above reproach, having integrity, being faithful. I don't believe it is too late.


Trust is a hard one. To be honest, I'm not sure myself what would work to restore my trust should it be shattered.

But I agree that it's possible. With consistency and effort, and as you say, integrity, it's definitely possible.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

wild jade said:


> Yes, actually, I am a bit surprised. Quite a lot of women actually have their sex drive go through the roof when they are pregnant, and it is the man who is reluctant or turned off or weirded out by having pregnant sex.


That is absolutely a normal development but is one that is much easier to treat than hormonal havoc.

With "pregnant" men, we can resolve those issues with CBT and other methods. There is no such thing for a woman that is brought to her knees in sickness and pain.




> Also, women's arousal may operate differently than men, but most guys I've been with aren't 5 minute pumpers, nor would I make any generalizations about 10 mins of foreplay.


It is a good generalization to make. Women require some foreplay before the butt squeeze and rush to penetrate. It is often painful for a woman, even if lubrication is added.

The five minute mark is nothing abnormal. The man may go about "getting" sex in the wrong manner, leaving her completely unaroused. She may even urge him to hurry up.



> As for emotional, are you saying that men don't want to be appreciated or understood? Because that isn't my experience .....


No, I am not. It is an important distinction to make, in fact I think it is one of the most important things that one should understand and appreciate. Men tend to rush to "being right" ignoring the emotional context to the discourse. I wrote a chapter entitled "Mr. Right" for that reason. It is often the case that the wife needs to be emotionally understood before she can fully make her points. I explain it as there being surface issues and deeper ones that will only see the light of day if she feels safe and understood. Men are emotional but in different ways. In fact, one of Gottman's 4 horsemen is "flooding", something that men account for 80% percent of. That said, Gottman leaves a lot unsaid when speaking of flooding. Women have to be spoken to in a completely different fashion and understanding the emotional backdrop is part of getting through to them effectively in a romantic relationship.




> You are right that I did read your original post with skepticism. Often the so-called "generalities" really do not apply. And in OP's case, he has seemingly systematically alienated his wife and eroded her trust. I'm not sure that knowing any generalities will help him restore it.


I think if you understood exactly where I was coming from you would. If we study physiology, we are going to understand a lot more about sex. This becomes vastly more important as both partners age and the man is no longer instantly erect, for instance. Understanding this information is going to help him get through to her. We can't just get a hammer and a nail. We need the expertise to drive the nail without causing harm.



> And if it were me, he would absolutely have to find a way to restore that trust if he was going to make any headway at all.


It is going to take a mountain of patience and the payoff may never come. She is going to possibly forgive him and fall to pieces weeks or months later. He has to understand all of that. Taking my approach (for instance) would yield him understanding beyond what is visually represented. She might say she is fine when she isn't. It will also help him to empathize with her, knowing somewhat how she feels and what is going on in her mind when the pain strikes.

Thanks.

Merry Christmas


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## ShatteredStill (Dec 20, 2016)

It's tragic that after all these years of marriage the OP doesn't already know his wife. I feel so sorry for her.

You see OP it's about HER, knowing HER, loving HER. It's not about your faults & how you justify them to get what you now want from her. It's not about having an agenda. Make everything about her. Give with no expectations to receive. When you figure out what love is the answers will get much easier.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

71Climber said:


> Essentially,* I really would like to know what really draws a woman to a man.*


Only two things, both can be measured; one by a ruler, the other by a calculator


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## hewasneverreallymine (Jan 3, 2017)

ShatteredStill said:


> It's tragic that after all these years of marriage the OP doesn't already know his wife. I feel so sorry for her.
> 
> 
> 
> You see OP it's about HER, knowing HER, loving HER. It's not about your faults & how you justify them to get what you now want from her. It's not about having an agenda. Make everything about her. Give with no expectations to receive. When you figure out what love is the answers will get much easier.




Beautifully put! Xo


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Each woman will have a different way to gain her trust and interest. Partly based on FOO but moreso based on her experiences with YOU. My FOO issue was a house falling down around my feet because my mom couldn't afford to fix the house; so my #1 need is a well-maintained home I wouldn't be embarrassed to have people see. But that's exactly what I DIDN'T end up with, as DH would never 'hear' me about fixing things - his stuff was always more important than what I wanted. 

My issue from living with him was his nonstop negativity. I dream of waking up and not having a single negative thing said, because that's all I ever get from him. 

So if my H were to decide to fix our marriage, I'd want nothing to do with gifts or flowers or hand holding because they wouldn't address the PAIN he has caused me. They would be lipstick on a pig. And would cause additional pain when it becomes clear he doesn't even know me enough to know what WOULD fix things.

So...to answer your question, what are you doing to erase those things you did that harmed her?


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