# Emotionally dependent



## jh087 (May 28, 2013)

Hi, I signed up because I'm seeking advice for myself. 

I am emotionally dependent on my husband. I find myself feeling like I need him to agree with a topic to have confidence in it myself. Food, money, our daughter, our home, our careers. For instance I was just having a discussion with him about finishing my bachelors degree in game design (we recently opened our own game company and I'm the graphic designer). I feel that my busy life since my last marriage and especially since having our daughter, has pulled me away from my creative self and art my skills are lacking. I'd like to change that and I feel that I need school to do so. My husband has a very high IQ, has the bachelors degree, the 80,000 a year job as a software engineer, and the mental capacity to absorb more information every day. His thoughts are that #1 art won't make money, and #2 having a gaming degree turns into working 80 hours a week in the industry. 

So, back to being emotionally dependent. In my mind he's right and I'm wrong, he knows better than I do and he's the one footing the bill for tuition (which we're already paying student loans). And that's just that situation. And the funny thing is that when I feel confident in something enough to push for it I usually end up being right. Like I've known since infancy that my daughter's been having a problem with her digestion and it wasn't until a month ago that I figure out she has a milk allergy and my husband finally believes me now because now I finally have enough evidence. Intuition is never enough. 

I think on one hand my husband is extremely confident in his own intelligence and we both know damn well that's I'm uneducated and have trouble retaining info in the end, and on the other hand I guess I feel like he's superior to me so I need his approval for damn near any thought that comes into my head. And then it turns into me trying to have ownership of a choice in our lives and he seems to feel I'm always trying to get my way. When I'm really just trying to have ownership of SOMETHING. 

Am I being too dependent or am I missing the possibility that he's being egotistical? Both probably. I don't know how to change this in such a way that I can be his equal without being a stereotypical control freak bit** wife. Men always seem to see their women as a burden in the end. How can have equal ownership in our lives, internally and externally, and still earn his respect...rather than making him feel like my behavior has become negative in some form.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Big ball of wax you're melting here!

You feel inferior to your husband. He has a degree, while you struggled in school. You trust his opinions of your thoughts and ideas more than you trust your own. When you know deep down inside that you're right, you still have to have his approval.

Here's the scary part... He knows this...and takes advantage of it. When he withholds his approval, you are faced with once again giving in to his wiser thoughts or digging in your heels to fight for what you think is right.

That is no way to have a healthy marriage!

There is something every spouse should encourage given today's global economy; continued education for marketable skills! When I say encourage I mean, whole hearted enthusiastic support for the idea AND the execution AND the follow through. This is not your dad giving you money to go to the mall, this is your husband supporting his wife in helping to earn money for the family.

Your husband invalidates you, maybe because he knows how easy it is, maybe because you set yourself up to be invalidated...? You mention you don't want to become a *****y wife, so don't. But when confronted with really important issues (is this going to make a material difference in our live's 5 years from now) then stick to your guns sister! Otherwise, let it go! 

"No, I want to paint the bathroom blue..." Whatever color you think is best honey...

"I don't think we have the money for you to try to go to school right now." If we're waiting for that to be the case then it will never happen, we will always be watching our money for one thing or another, but going back to school is important to me...So I Am Going!


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...I'd be careful though. Continuing education for marketable skills is a key issue here.

...eg...law degrees. My wife quit after 2 years of law school - and that was the right choice. Her friends didn't - and they're mostly unemployed with low 6 figure unbankruptable debts. Roughly 10% ended up with law-jobs - the other 'lucky' ones have gone back to their prior careers, at slightly lower salary and an extra 1-2k debt payment. In retrospect, we would have been better served if I'd explained to her that I was about 80% certain that she'd never be a lawyer before she started. (childhood dreams...)

That said, it sounds like you're lacking confidence. The way to acquire confidence is to make decisions - and accept the consequences. It is probably reasonable to listen to your husband. (My own, extremely limited, knowledge of gaming and graphics design indicates that, unless you have exceptional ability and drive, it is a pretty tough, shrinking industry...lousy pay and 80+ hour weeks sounds right. There are some advantages to graphics design if you dislike being around people and prefer being very modestly self-employed.) It is unwise to leave the decisions to your husband because you won't learn much. 

...so...it might make sense for you to do the research. First...find out what matters to you...money, prestige, lifestyle, 

Next, find out industry prospects, salaries, employment rates, hours...quiz people who work in that industry...volunteer as an intern if you can afford to...read some books (depending on learning style) before taking classes...look at job sites and jot down the first 20 jobs...and the qualifications/experience necessary for them...

..then look into alternatives available with your current skill set...

...then estimate costs of pursuing that course of study...

...then put together a summary...and go over it with your husband and other people.

...if you're doing this to improve career prospects...there should be a reasonable return on investment. Basically, within 5-10 years, you more than earn back whatever you spend on schooling.

...if your husband has issues with your plan - research those issues and figure out whether or not they are valid concerns. 

...then...once you think the picture is clear enough. (Some things are good ideas...(engineering degrees, mostly)...some things are iffy...(scientific degrees, mostly)...and some things are terrible...(law school, mostly)). Make a decision. If your plan is a good idea or a bad idea...you're lucky. Most plans are iffy - and there you just have to go with your gut.

...and there's a second issue...which is you feeling helpless and dependent. That's probably partially a matter of boundaries and partially a matter of assertion. It may also be an issue with your husband. It can work to stake out certain territories where you have the final say. And do enough work that your judgments in those areas seem reasonable. Eg., don't try to cover a small rental unit in black wallpaper. It probably depends a bit on the people involved, but I've had the most luck with defined areas of responsibility. Eg., my wife and I are both independently responsible for our own careers - even if we discuss them. I'm responsible for 'fixing broken stuff and hardware choices', she's responsible for decoration and themes (unless they're just horrible...no black wallpaper).

--Argyle


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## jh087 (May 28, 2013)

Thank you for your input. I will be more deliberate in giving him figures and answers, rather than ideas. And building my own confidence. I agree that to do that I need to just make choices. That's valid. 

I do have to clarify though. Firstly, My husband is a scientific thinker. His personality is to be skeptical first and negotiation second. That's who he is, married or not. He is not an ******* taking advantage of my weaknesses. My seeking his approval is probably more about my relationship with my own father than it has to do with my husband's behavior. That's my own personality flaw. But my husband does have a tendency to be egotistical, and that doesn't really mix well with my non-beaten battered wife syndrome. 

Secondly, part of the reason my husband thinks going back to school would be a waste of money, in my field especially, is because #1 my technical skills are already fairly high, and #2 everything there is to learn about what I do and what I plan to do is on the internet, in libraries and books. I know that, I understand that, and I agree. Nevertheless my artistic skills are what's lacking and I think that takes face to face interaction with an experienced artist because art is more metaphysical...and I've never studied cartooning. The problem with "school" is that we are increasingly living in the age of information, and knowledge is everywhere. I don't need to get myself in school debt to accomplish my goals. Literally, I don't. When I go back to school it'll be to get the piece of paper for the sake of having the piece of paper. Every time I go to school I do more when I get home. I've never actually learned much from "school" that I didn't already study somewhere else. He knows that about me. 

Something you have to remember is that in the computer science field, whichever part of it one is in, the big risk is that by the time one is done with school the info the school has given is just about outdated. Hardware and software change very rapidly. So again, I'd still be doing more studying outside of school for the sake of keeping up with the times. That's not an opinion; I've done it (I just didn't get to my degree). For instance there's already a new animation program that's going to become a significant tool very soon and it's not widely known yet; and I already have it. If I were in school they'd be teaching me flash, and flash is diminishing. Even Adobe has developed Adobe Edge; which again isn't currently widely known, but will be an expected skill in the future. 80+ hours in the gaming industry is pretty typical yes, but it is most definitely not shrinking in the least (it is changing though). My husband and I aspire to join the revolution of game based learning. That's another reason he disagrees with me going back to school. He wants me to stick to what I believe in. But for some reason I still feel afraid of missing that one piece of info I could get from school. 

But anyway. School wasn't the issue I just used that as example of my own problem with dependency.


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...I might have some experience with the scientific thinking problem......and it can be pretty painful.

First step is probably accepting that there's a problem - and that you feel hurt when he gives honest opinions on your future plans. Second step is accepting that those feelings probably won't change much - and that one of your emotional needs involves seeking approval from your husband. That's a perfectly normal need, even if not everyone has it. Third step is accepting that his normal, helpful behavior hurts you and looking into modifying the way you two interact.

Um...this issue can be reduced by changing communication styles. I'm personally most comfortable with cutting my wife off halfway through a sentence and proceeding to 'well, that suggestion is idiotic because...don't worry, I already know what you were going to say...stop wasting my time.'. Sure, I'm usually right...and that sort of communication is usually more efficient - but, this can be somewhat invalidating.

We've had some luck with books on nonviolent communication and active listening - and also with a free course called 'Mastering the Mysteries of Love.' The main lesson being focusing on acknowledging that feelings exist and are indisputable rather than focusing on facts. The second lesson being preparing before having difficult conversations.

It also helps for my wife to just request brainstorming sessions - where I'm expected to shut up and just help her work things out on her own.

Fundamentally though, requesting judgement from someone is likely to result in ego-bruises. The best we've managed is to separate things out into 'wife figuring stuff out, husband shuts up', 'husband understanding where wife is coming from, husband doesn't judge', and 'husband, fairly gingerly, giving wife his slanted towards supportive opinion when she asks, but weakly enough that she makes the decision on her own' - with husband accepting that wife will do stupid stuff because an honest opinion will result in her failing to learn. Now, she complains about a lack of input...no win situation.

Regarding art, dunno - this depends on the person, I think. My wife was a fairly accomplished artist in a broad range of media before she got into high school. She studied art in college, but the teachers there didn't teach her much. I suspect that art thrives better through apprenticeships. But, eh - learning for the sake of learning isn't wrong - neither is signing up for classes to motivate you to do something you could do on your own - doing what works for you is more important than being perfect.

--Argyle


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