# Husband left 3 weeks ago



## Cnp2599 (Apr 24, 2017)

My husband and I have been married for 6.5 years, together for 10. We have a 2 year old daughter. I'm a stay at home mom and he works in car sales. Up until a few weeks ago everything was fine. I won't say "good" but definitely not bad enough where I can justify him initiating a separation.it was never something either of us had mentioned. We've had a rough few months financially. He has been working A LOT. Most days leaving our home around 8am and getting home somewhere between midnight-2am. He's off one day a week and spends the majority on his phone texting with coworkers about troubles in the workplace. Because of this I've been feeling neglected, sad.. just missing my husband. He's been distant, short and exhausted. 3 weeks ago he came home from work and told me he'd been thinking about going to stay with his parents for a few days. I was surprised but it wasn't really up for negotiations. He left and suddenly "a few days" turned into "until I see a therapist". Throughout this time he was adamant that this wasn't a separation, that he did not want it to be permanent, that he loves me and everything would be fine. Afte seeing a therapist it's turned into a situation where he says he doesn't know what he wants and at this time has no plans to come home.. but also no plans to NOT come home. His therapist told him to take his time making his decisions. 

What am I supposed to be doing right now?? He says he doesn't consider this a separation. Says he loves us and misses us in one sentence and says he doesn't know what he wants in the next. I'm completely devastated. On the one hand I want to respect that he needs space. On the other I am furious and hate that he thinks he can call all of the shots. Any and all advice appreciated.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Cnp2599 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 6.5 years, together for 10. We have a 2 year old daughter. I'm a stay at home mom and he works in car sales. Up until a few weeks ago everything was fine. I won't say "good" but definitely not bad enough where I can justify him initiating a separation.it was never something either of us had mentioned. We've had a rough few months financially. He has been working A LOT. Most days leaving our home around 8am and getting home somewhere between midnight-2am. He's off one day a week and spends the majority on his phone texting with coworkers about troubles in the workplace. Because of this I've been feeling neglected, sad.. just missing my husband. He's been distant, short and exhausted. 3 weeks ago he came home from work and told me he'd been thinking about going to stay with his parents for a few days. I was surprised but it wasn't really up for negotiations. He left and suddenly "a few days" turned into "until I see a therapist". Throughout this time he was adamant that this wasn't a separation, that he did not want it to be permanent, that he loves me and everything would be fine. Afte seeing a therapist it's turned into a situation where he says he doesn't know what he wants and at this time has no plans to come home.. but also no plans to NOT come home. His therapist told him to take his time making his decisions.
> 
> What am I supposed to be doing right now?? He says he doesn't consider this a separation. Says he loves us and misses us in one sentence and says he doesn't know what he wants in the next. I'm completely devastated. On the one hand I want to respect that he needs space. On the other I am furious and hate that he thinks he can call all of the shots. Any and all advice appreciated.


Has he said anything about what is causing him to behave this way? Have you tried talking with his parents? Have you asked him how he can do that to his daughter?

Do you go to church? I would tell him that you want to get into some couples counseling.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

I'd investigate an EA or PA. The distance, added time spent on devices, and leaving are all red flags, IMO. You need to know what you're dealing with so you aren't fence-sitting and waiting in the wings for him until he "chooses." Please rule that out first.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

@Cnp2599 he's only calling all the shots because you're allowing him to do that. So what, you're still going to be throwing your hands up in the air if this continues for the next 3, 6, 9 months? And yes, we've had posters come here who have done exactly that. Ridiculous...

Tell him you understand he's going through some difficulty and he needs some space. You are willing to wait x amount time for him to decide if he wants to seek marriage counselling and work on the relationship otherwise you will move on. When that time comes, if he doesn't make a decision, MOVE ON.

And his initial decision to move out wasn't up for negotiation because for whatever reason you decided that he had the authority to make that decision with zero consequences. Why would you allow this man to just up and leave his daughter as if she's not his equal responsibility, is beyond me. Stop training this man to treat you and your daughter like ****.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Cnp2599 said:


> On the one hand I want to respect that he needs space. On the other I am furious and hate that he thinks he can call all of the shots. Any and all advice appreciated.


Don't respect that suddenly tells you he needs space and then disappears for a few weeks. There's nothing to respect about that. You two have a young child and he couldn't even bother to explain to you why he is leaving. 

My advice is that since you cannot control what he does and you have no idea when/if he'll come home, then start planning how you will live your life without him.


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## Cnp2599 (Apr 24, 2017)

Kivlor said:


> Has he said anything about what is causing him to behave this way? Have you tried talking with his parents? Have you asked him how he can do that to his daughter?
> 
> Do you go to church? I would tell him that you want to get into some couples counseling.



All I can get out of him is that he has a lot to work through and doesn't know how to begin to include me in it. I've spoken to his parents. They were very upset initially but have limited communication in the last week or so.
We do go to church. I have a meeting with our Pastor later this week. My husband declined the invite to join me. 
In terms of counseling, he says that we'll go together "eventually", after he works out some things on his own.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Cnp2599 said:


> All I can get out of him is that he has a lot to work through and doesn't know how to begin to include me in it. I've spoken to his parents. They were very upset initially but have limited communication in the last week or so.
> We do go to church. I have a meeting with our Pastor later this week. My husband declined the invite to join me.
> In terms of counseling, he says that we'll go together "eventually", after he works out some things on his own.


Did his parents say anything about why he's doing this?


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## Cnp2599 (Apr 24, 2017)

Kivlor said:


> Did his parents say anything about why he's doing this?


They have no idea. They were shocked. If he's shared more with them, which I doubt, they aren't telling me..


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

I'm sorry but if he left you and your daughter and didn't give you an explanation or asked for your opinion, seek the council of a lawyer. He abandoned both you and your daughter! A legal separation is past due on this guy. He can't just up and leave you and the child legally. That is why we have lawyers, to stop bullies like your husband. 

He needs to be held accountable in every way with the parenting, emotional stability, as well as economic stability of his child. What is wrong with him? If he is overwhelmed from work, he needs to leave it at work or switch jobs and not dump his family.

He is up to something and it doesn't look good for your or your daughter. Please protect yourself and her.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Not every separation (and regardless of what he considers this to be it's really a separation) has someone else as the cause but most do. Start looking at phone records.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He works in car sales and was working 6 days a week from 8am to midnight-2am. How late does the dealership stay open? Then he spent most of his one day off a week on his phone with 'co-workers'? 

My bet is that he has been having an affair. Do you have access to his cell phone records? I suggest you pull them and see who he was been in contact with. See if here is one number that he contacts all the time.

What he is doing is abusive. For him to pretend that he's working that many hours and lying to you. Then to move out like this and tell you nothing.. it's abusive.

My suggestion is that you start looking for who he is having an affair with. And that you go see a lawyer and file for divorce. Right now he is 100% in control of you. He is calling the shots, telling you nothing and playing games on you. If you file for divorce, you are pulling the rug out from under his little game.

If you want to save your marriage you need to take strong action. He apparently does not think that you will file for divorce. Instead he thinks that you are a patsy and will just tolerate any nonsense that he throws your way. 

File for divorce. Ask for interim alimony and child support. Interim alimony is alimony that is paid to you until the divorce is over. It can take months and even 2-3 years for a divorce to be final. Let him start having to pay child support and alimony as see what that does to his head space.

Remember that filing for divorce does not mean the end of your marriage. A divorce can be stopped at any time up to the moment the judge signs the final decree. And there is also re-marriage is the judge does sign it.

But filing at this stage is well worth it because you need to play hard ball and let your husband know that you will not tolerate being treated like this and him keeping secrets from you and refusing to even talk to you to fix your marriage.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Working in car sales until midnight-2am? That late, six days a week? Never heard of that, and my brother worked in car sales.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Yikes this leaves you in a bad spot in so many ways. I'm really sorry to hear you are in this situation. Is he still supporting the two of you? How has your relationship been before the crazy work schedule took over? Did his income increase during that time, to prove he was actually working all those hours (rather than perhaps spending the time with another woman)? How is your sex life? Do you have a lot in common? Do you/did you have time for each other as a couple, date nights where your toddler stayed with grandparents etc? Does your husband suffer from depression or anxiety?

You may need to give him a wake up call. You may want to tell him if he is not going to come home that you are going to file for divorce. You must be ready to do just that though. Remember you can stop it anytime before it is final. It's weird that he is telling you nothing. That is selfish and cruel. He is not the only one in this equation. He needs to be a grown up and communicate. If he won't, then it will force you to take other actions.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Cnp2599 said:


> They have no idea. They were shocked. If he's shared more with them, which I doubt, they aren't telling me..


Not good. 

I think you need to express to him that this isn't acceptable with you. And that if he's going to abandon his family, you're going to take steps to protect what's left of it.

Prepare to file for divorce. If that doesn't get him to wake up nothing will. 

I'll also say that I agree with the other posters here... unless he owns the dealership and is staying to work on some sort of paperwork / car repairs / driving to auctions and coming back late, I don't see why he'd be working until midnight / 2:00am other than an affair.

ETA: Also, if you're going to push for something like marital counseling, don't let him determine the timeframe. Tell him it's now, or you're filing. If he refuses, file for divorce.


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