# Wife is lazy, unmotivated, doesn't work.. help!



## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

Ok I'm frustrated to no end. I feel hopeless, not just feel it- my situation IS hopeless.

I don't make a lot of money. Our budget is in the red since the economy has been tanking (2 years ago the ends at least met). She doesn't work. We've been married for 12 years.. she quit her job right after we got married.

Now she does have a defense.. and it's ponderous to bother trying to defeat it. When we got married, we bought a house and moved pretty far away, where houses were more affordable. Since she didn't drive (public trans was avail where we first lived), she couldn't stay at her job. Well.. ok, I get that. Even though there were several places to work within walking distance of our new house, she chose to sit online all day and play games. The house was an embarassing mess within months. I had lost my job shortly after moving (had to do with tech bubble bursting) and became "under-employed".. I took a lot of crap work where I could find it while she sat on her ass doing nothing. Never a cooked meal, I do that. Never any cleaning done, nothing.

Anyways.. She at that point started getting nasty with me at times. Sometimes it seemed like she resented me. Next thing I know she gets pregnant and now has an excuse not to work... great.

So, while not thrilled with the situation, I was happy to have a kid on the way, as that was the original plan. We have the kid, we're behind on the mortgage, she talks about being a stay at home mom... We have no family or support in the area, so I am defeated to admit, she can't work for a while. 

She does the least amount possible for the child, I mean the bare minimum. Leaves her in the crib all day, all night, while I'm working 12-16 hour days. Child screams all night long, and I mean SCREAMS for hours on end.. I have to take her to other side of house and comfort her all night, usually falling asleep in a chair with the child sleeping on my shoulder... I get literally zero sleep for two years. Meanwhile, the kitchen is a disaster area, the whole house is dark and dank.

The small amount of time I ever had to myself, I would just go hide in a room and read a book, play a video game, do something to "get away" from it all.

Going forward- we lose the house, the car, everything.. I couldn't keep up. I moved us into an apartment and bought a junker car off the side of the road.

Turns out our child is special needs. I don't want to get too much into for the sake of anonymity, but let's just say- special school, special needs, and will need life-long care. So the end result ends up being that my wife now has even more reason to not work.

So besides the work issues, my wife apparently suffers depression, and has a whole hose of other undiagnosed emotional problems. She constantly throws gas on everything, figuratively speaking. Something simple goes wrong with a neighbor, it becomes WW3 with the police involved. She cusses out our landlord and gets us evicted. She has a problem with a teacher and *****es her out. The resentment towards me grows and grows too. The depression medication worked well for about 2 months, but tapered off after that. 

I have a good job now, but the pay is barely enough to pay the basic bills, and this inflation is killing us. Cable tv, gone. Health insurance for her went first, then dropped it for myself too. We have a cabinet full of ramen now, as that's about 50% of our intake.. when I say we're struggling I mean it lol.

So I did teach her to drive. She went to a temp agency and they gave her an assignment, but it's way out there in god's country.. so we had to get her a car.. couldn't qualify for a used car loan because of the foreclosure, so we had to buy a new one.. She worked the job for a few months then got angry at co-workers and quit. She's found week-long jobs here and there , but at each job, she throws gas on fires and burns bridges. Now nobody in town will talk to her, much less give her work.

She's alienated both sides of our families as well as all of our friends (at some point, each and every one of them "offended" her in some way).. and that's the other thing.. she get's offended at something someone says or does, and get's this big high-and-mighty attitude and let's them have it with both barrels. I can't take her anywhere social anymore, because the few friends I have left, I want to keep.

She's lazy, dependent, and abrasive in the worst possible ways. I do everything around the house.. everything. She does absolutely nothing. If I ask her to do something, she will do it, but make sure then to micromanage whatever I do and complain to the high heavens about how I don't do anything right (which is why she says she doesn't do anything)- that I just don't do it right so she won't bother "fixing" everything I touch.

Here's the problem..

I want out. In the worst possible way. I gave it my best and I just can't take it. BUT, I can't. If I do, my child will suffer for it. I will be bled dry, and she's made it clear that she will fight to the bitter end for custody, just to make me suffer.. not that she wants the child. I do believe, in all fairness, that she loves our child, but she still doesn't take proper care, and if I leave, I'm worried that the child will pay for my "crimes".

So I can't leave 

Sorry this has been all over the place.. I'm financially screwed, barely keeping the lights on.. cant keep up with the car payments, and I log into facebook from work and look at her page.. nothing but games and high scores all day... except the few hours where she took a nap. Then she's up all night most nights too.. how frustrating. And she wonders why I don't want to have sex anymore!?


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Im having a hard time deciding if this is post is in earnest.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

I realize it's my first post.. I've been wanting to vent for a long time. Believe me when I say- I live this life, and reading back, there's a LOT of unexplained statements, but it's hard to put so much info in without sentences turning to paragraphs, turning into a book on what could be only 1 aspect of the miserable marriage I have.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

and my name isn't a joke, I literally felt like exploding today after getting a very nasty call from her


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Staying in this marriage will do nothing to "help" your child. Get your act together enough to go ahead and file for divorce and plan to fight for custody. That is doing what is best for your child. If you don't get custody, your child will still be better off with at least one good parent.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

You really have two choices. Bite the bullet and divorce her or put up with it.

Talk to a lawyer and find out the process and what your rights are.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Depression can cause people to be at their worst. Perhaps she should visit a doctor to re evaluate her meds. How much communicating have u done about these issues? Does she know you're at your breaking point? Be sure to take time for yourself. Does your area offer any financial guidance programs, like credit counseling? Research what options you have, speak to a lawyer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

I agree. Things are messed up enough.. adding a depressed partner on top of it will make it impossible. You will not be able to do anything if you cant shake that issue loose.

I didnt mean to cast your first post so blithely aside... but you have to admit... its quite a picture you paint.

I know someone close to me... his wife was depressed and it was a constant, neverending downward misery spiral for 10 years and ended in a total wreck of family and finances. Its hard to believe unless you see it first hand - she would barely get off the couch for years. This is not something you can d!ck around with, if you cant get in front of that steam train it will roll right over the entire family you included.

Have you tried to find what social services might be available nearby to help evaluate and possibly treat or at least offer direction? Problem is of course that often there is a months long waiting list for that sort of thing.

Its not like you can simply lay it out for her and force her to take action either...depression doesnt work that way... as you know, im sure.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This sounds like it goes way beyond depression. I cant believe you have put up with this crap for this long. 

Start documenting EVERYTHING...her behavior, outbursts, not caring for your child, etc. She is not what is in the child's best interest, and documenting can help when you try for custody. She sounds horrible, and there is no love here any more.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You say your "child will suffer if you leave."

Guess what? Your child is already suffering! So do something about this horrific situation.

Right now call an attorney.

If you don't, you are allowing everything in your post to go on & on & on.........


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## Vrs (Jan 23, 2013)

I agree with 3xnocharm about documenting everything. That's a good idea.

So is the point Emerald made about your child already suffering.

One thing I'm curious about. Has your wife always been depressed? Or did that begin later on in your marriage? If it did, how long ago?

You mentioned being away from family so no support for your wife. What about you? Do you have anyone you trust who knows both of you?

If things are exactly as you've represented them to be all you're doing by staying in this situation is *pretending* to have a marriage. It's hard to take the action needed to bring about change, but is it any harder than what you're experiencing now? 

I'd say you need counseling with an end goal in mind. What seems reasonable is both parties agreeing to work together to have a 2-sided relationship. 

If that can never happen you're going to be left with a choice. Is what we have what I want with no end in sight for the next 5, 10, or 20+ years?

To me the only reasons for hope (in what you described) are if her depression is treatable, and/or if she's willing to seek help and get treatment in the future.


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

I feel sorry for your situation and quite honestly with your wife's situation, too. She is obviously deeply depressed, with low-self esteem, bored, and lost. Her abrasiveness seems to be be an attempt to get people to notice her. I agree with the poster above. Stay or go. Either way is going to require you to dig deeper into yourself than you ever wanted to go. You say that she still loves your child. Can you build on even that?


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## triggerhappy (Oct 14, 2012)

I feel so bad for your child while you're at work. It makes me want to cry my eyes out. I'm sorry you're in this dead-end situation.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> This sounds like it goes way beyond depression. I cant believe you have put up with this crap for this long.
> 
> Start documenting EVERYTHING...her behavior, outbursts, not caring for your child, etc. She is not what is in the child's best interest, and documenting can help when you try for custody. She sounds horrible, and there is no love here any more.


I agree with this poster. Depression is not an excuse for her behaviour, and if you ask me, it's not depression, is a more serious mental problem. She needs professional help with it, and with managing her anger. Her negligence with the child is inexcusable..if you find a way to prove it, you have high chances to receive the custody. I'm sorry you had to go through this for so long. You need out, and so does your baby.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## downfall69 (Sep 23, 2012)

your wife sounds like my ex i feel so sorry for you


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

Thanks everyone for your responses- I do appreciate the input. There's a lot of questions, and I want to answer them to paint the best possible truths on all aspects of the relationship, here's some answers:



Vrs said:


> I agree with 3xnocharm about documenting everything. That's a good idea.
> 
> So is the point Emerald made about your child already suffering.


I'm not sure if I just overstated it, or didn't elaborate enough about it, but as it stands, it's not like that every day. I spoke with her about the issues when she gets home from school, and so far, she's been doing what I've asked. But at the same time, she will get her off the bus, take the 10 minutes to get her taken care of, a snack, a drink, then back to games and FB.

There are good days, don't get me wrong. But there are bad days mixed in. One bad day a week could leave a person miserable enough. I probably average 1 bad day, and another 2 "frustrating" days per week. It's too much, and it's making me bitter and angry about marriage and relationships in general. That's why I'm here venting, and I appreciate all the feedback and support. I'm tired, spent. Exhausted really.



Vrs said:


> One thing I'm curious about. Has your wife always been depressed? Or did that begin later on in your marriage? If it did, how long ago?


That's a really interesting question- I could almost write a book with the response. Before we got married, I realized she had a temper- she would get angry over what I would consider really dumb crap, but I think she knew the difference, and kept herself in check at times. It manifested itself as nagging most often, to which I blame only myself for allowing it to go on for 2-3 years, up to about the point where we were over a year in the marriage, and while her nagging and outbursts got increasingly tempermental and the duration lasted longer, one day I just snapped and had a full-blown screaming argument where I told her I was leaving. 

Of course after that fight she simmered down, she got a grip on the severity of her actions, and the best way to put it is that she raised the flag of truce. I can't say that she ever in our first 10 years of marriage apologized, not once. Everything has always been my fault in her eyes.

Back to the question- yes I think she was already depressed, although that's an inaccuracy- I think she always had _something_ wrong, although now I doubt it's depression.

Having done more than a few days homework online over the years, her actions and behaviors point to several disorders. It doesn't help that she came from an abusive childhood (according to her- the parents deny it, as do her siblings), in any case, it was clearly unhappy. 

My summary leans towards general anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, depression potentially mixed in, and another one that's not even an official disorder, but it's called martyr complex.. and that's a BIG one- it factors down to why everything is my fault, why everyone in her life ever is a jerk or disrespects her. Why she has no friends. 

I do believe she just got worse and worse over the years. Since going on medication, she got better in some respects, but the best part of it's affects wore off quickly. I do still see it working, but now I just get to see a more fine-tuned version of her issues. There's a great many things that set her off, and I've learned to avoid those things, or diffuse them, as mentioned.

She does go to the psychaitrist once every 3 months to get her scripts renewed, and a general office visit, but understand that she has no health insurance (cause she wont work).. so it's ALL out of pocket- and I strongly believe the shrink is a hack, basing her diagnosis off her stay at the hospital a couple of years ago. 

Oh yeah, a couple of years ago, she had a breakdown, threatened to kill herself in a pretty dramatic way, I had to call the police, who actually came and had her committed for a few days, she was ordered to see the shrink. Up to that point, she had refused to admit she had a problem, since then she does admit it, and takes her meds, but I think they misdiagnosed her, and the shrink she sees just runs with the original diagnosis. We can't even afford that, but I put other things aside to make sure we make that appointment, and that she has her meds. They certainly help more than when she wasn't on them.

It's also worth nothing that the psych only sees her, does not allow me in the room, and will not discuss her with me, citing confidentiality, so I get no way to voice my opinions or concerns. 



Vrs said:


> You mentioned being away from family so no support for your wife. What about you? Do you have anyone you trust who knows both of you?


We have one couple we're friends with, have known them more than 15 years. The reason we're still friends is that we rarely see them, on average once a year, and that's on purpose- at least for me. I don't want to lose any more friends than I already have. I do have a couple of siblings that I'm still talking to, and see rarely, but I keep them at a far reach as well.. I have very little family to begin with and most don't talk to me anymore, mostly because of issues surrounding my wife. 

I'm not entirely innocent in my life, especially when I say that more than once I've stood by my wife on issues where she was dead wrong, but to stand against her would have brought the wrath of hell down .. so maybe I'm a wuss- I've definitely enabled her to a degree. I'm just that type of guy- I'm laid back, I don't like conflict, and I don't go nuts over details and things I can't change.



Vrs said:


> If things are exactly as you've represented them to be all you're doing by staying in this situation is *pretending* to have a marriage. It's hard to take the action needed to bring about change, but is it any harder than what you're experiencing now?
> 
> I'd say you need counseling with an end goal in mind. What seems reasonable is both parties agreeing to work together to have a 2-sided relationship.


I agree that counseling can help, and we used to go to it for a couple of months shortly after her breakdown, but it was too expensive, and again- she doesn't work, so it becomes impossible. 



Vrs said:


> If that can never happen you're going to be left with a choice. Is what we have what I want with no end in sight for the next 5, 10, or 20+ years?
> 
> To me the only reasons for hope (in what you described) are if her depression is treatable, and/or if she's willing to seek help and get treatment in the future.


Sadly, and I know you guys are going to tear me a new one for this attitude, but I'm figuring that will trudge through this life until the child hits 18, then pretty much bail out. Custody will still be an issue, but child support and alimony and all that crap wont.

It's not that I don't want to pay, but there's just not enough money to take care of everyone today- I say the child will suffer because as long as I play my part and diffuse situations constantly, keep her as happy as possible, and keep struggling wit hthe finances (maybe I can get ahead sooner or later), that things are ultimately better than if I go for divorce, with no money for lawyers, at the mercy of the court which in my state favors women more than 90% of the time, regardless of situations like this- and then with nobody like me to diffuse the anger and with her having zero ability to fend for herself or our child, I'm worried not only that she will end up homeless (and my child), or that she will just shack up with some drunk or abusive man out of desperation.. and you can imagine the fears I have about THAT.. keep in mind my child cannot defend herself against abuse of any kind. I'm that shield. I could NEVER risk losing custody of her.. I can't stress that enough.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

It would be worth a shot I think to a least get a few opinions from attorneys.I mean its on record that she has been committed for threats of suicide.You said your state favors women 90% of the time well you could be in the 10% then of men who are awarded custody.With her history you may be able to prove she is unfit to parent.I don't know what all your daughters special needs are but even in a healthy child just the incidences of leaving her to scream for hours can cause all kinds of emotional issues for a child.That can cause enormous and even life long insecurities to be neglected like that in early childhood.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

I have posted this on here before, but maybe this would be helpful here also: The truth about "laziness" - YouTube

This man has a whole series on Grown Wounded Children. 

Also, I have never met a family that openly admitted to abuse. As my counselor said, they excuse, justify and deny that there was abuse. Remember, emotional abuse is as harmful as physical abuse, or maybe more harmful, because emotional abuse cannot be seen.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

What was her health and fitness during her pregnancy? 

She sat around all day, do you even know what she ate/consumed while pregnant, she barely paid attention to your child (who knows what scenarios played out that you don't know while you worked long hours away), your child grew up spending hours screaming WHILE you WERE there, who knows how many when you were NOT there, and then I read the part of your child being born with problems/special needs and my heart sank... "Could your child have been born/developed differently?" would be a question that would haunt me as a father to the grave.

I'm a teacher, and I get mothers cuss me out like your wife all the time for absolutely no reason... Women like this truly become monsters.

Not even knowing how to drive? Why did you marry someone so prone to be catered/entitled?

Sorry... The part about your child makes me really mad!!!


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

I found this article to be extremely accurate to my circumstance, with only a few minor differences- Not that it helps much, because the child throws a huge wrench into the mix, but it really helps me to know that I'm not just imagining the depth of the issues-

The Real Reason Your Wife Doesn’t Want to Work « A Shrink for Men


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Kaboom said:


> I found this article to be extremely accurate to my circumstance, with only a few minor differences- Not that it helps much, because the child throws a huge wrench into the mix, but it really helps me to know that I'm not just imagining the depth of the issues-
> 
> The Real Reason Your Wife Doesn’t Want to Work « A Shrink for Men


Not to be a fatalist but your wife seems to have more of an issue even than this article is suggesting why a SAHM doesnt RETURN to work after the children are older.There is a difference between not bringing in an income and having some arrested development type mentality of wanting to be taken care of financially.And taking the role of SAHM and neglecting that role.I'm a SAHM of 3 and they were spread out so I've been in that role with one under school age at one point for a solid 12 years (I did work part time for a few of those and I help now run my husbands business I answer the business line do the books etc)..Any way my children were NOT neglected..my house was not dirty I did all of the laundrey all of the grocery shopping with rare exception I cooked homemade meals every day (unless I had leftovers from the day before) and I don't mean hamburger helper I mean from scratch I painted the interior walls of the house when needed ...my children never just sat in a crib either ..I took them to the library /park/to visit extended family/roller skating /bike riding/read to them daily/had spend the night parties /through their birthday parties/volunteered at their schools..I got up countless nights with the various reasons illnesses (ear infections vomit viruses )etc..I wasn't perfect I have my faults..

I guess I'm saying that article may have something to do with whats going on with your wife but I dont see where it eluded to women who are SAHM's (wont go to work) are being lazy and neglecting the children or even like in your case refusing to work even if the house is going to be foreclosed and cars repossesed etc.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

A child sitting in a crib all day is abuse. You should take pictures of the living situation, and start documenting everything. Contact a lawyer and find out the best way to get out of this situation with SOLE custody.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

I was more focused on the parts of the article about Hostile Dependency- it really fits her to a T. We've had some serious arguments about how she feels that I am the one making her dependent and how she resents me for that. I've made it clear that I want nothing more than for her to be independent - my god I want that so bad...

LdyVenus- While that was once the issue, it is no longer. Thankfully our child is older and self-sufficient enough to handle herself alone with her toys and such until I get home, generally speaking. There are most certainly issues still abound, but today they border on simple laziness than outright abuse. I'm not making excuses intentionally, but just wanted to assert that. Also there are days where my wife will play with her for at least some part of the day. It's more common now than it used to be.

I know there's a lot of startling statements regarding the child- but honestly the whole purpose of my posting here was to address the complete dependency, hostility, and other issues my wife has towards me, including her unwillingness to work and her resentment towards me.

She is sick- I do honestly believe that. I've tried to get her care she needs, but with no healthcare now, it's become far worse than an uphill battle, it's become mission impossible. Which is why I said I want out- I really do.. I just don't see any possible way. Even talking to a lawyer is out- as when you live check to check, a month behind on all bills, and car repairs, haircuts, and most other basic everyday needs go unattended- how does one afford a consultation, much less actual action?


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