# How To Rebuild Trust and Move On.



## Samcro (Feb 12, 2012)

Hi
this place has been a great tool for me to help and try to get myself back together and hopefully repair my marriage as i seen fit to ruin it. this could have been posted in many other forums, like addiction, money problems, but i choose this one.
back ground on us.Wife and i are 37 yrs old. We been married 16 years this month and we got 2 awesome boys, age 17 and 13. 2009 i lost my job and been home ever since. the money was tight from not working and unemp helped, but i no longer qualify. i have many physical health problems due to 3 hernaited disks in neck and back, 5 knee surgeries and with pain and limited mobility i swallowed my pride and filed for disability to get some income and to hopefully go to college to get a degree and get a job that isnt so physical like the ones i used to have. we have our house up for sale on short sale cause we cant afford it. budget is strained and i am not the best with bills. we dont have any CC debt, so our bills is the biggest strain and food to. my boys can eat. now i know how my mom felt with me and my brother! gheesh.

2009 till now were some black times for me and my wife. i was infected with lymes 2 times since 2011. once i had it so bad i was a zombie for months and had a picc line and on IV antobiotics for it. i still have some head issues related like foggy, forgetfulness, more than for a typical male or husband usually has. hehe
i also have psoriatic arthritis now and all my joints are in pain from time to time. kinda like rhumatoid arthritis, but no deforming of the joints at all. none the less a sucky autoimmune disease. my lymes Dr said its from the lymes cause it put my immune system into overdrive and it went to town on my body big time.
wife didnt mind that i was home cause i did care for our sons when they were sick and home, and when they were in cyber school. but i felt i was inadequate as a man for not getting a paycheck and she does throw it in my face from time to time when she is very stress at work, which is every day almost. she would rather work than be home to be around me now.

so as a side business i am into saltwater fish and corals. so i bought some tanks and some clownfish to breed them to get some money and have a hobby for my addictive personality, (keep this in mind while you read). some babies can fetch 200+ per fish and i wanted an easy way to get money to help out.so i had many pairs and was successful with having some babies, none expensive ones yet. but still working on them. well, as a side business i was buying and selling fish and the extra money i made from it i kept it to myself and was buying pairs of fish upwards to 800 bucks. and i always had a few hundred cash "saved" for the next new pair of fish or fish food etc. wife found out about my hiding money and why would i keep money hidden while we were struggling to buy food or gas etc. but i did use some of my secret money for food and whatnot all the time. when i told her the food bill was only $150, acutally it was $250 and i used alof of my money for the family. but the fact it remained hidden is the trust buster issue for her. i broken her trust before via online gaming. was being too "friendly" with other female players (yes real females) never did any cheating in real life, just play stuff. but it was wrong and i quit playting games. 
few months ago she found my secret paypal account with my money in it and went ballistic. i dont blame her at all, cause i did hide the money and didnt lie about it when it was caught if it makes any difference. i promised i would never do it again and i would try to sell them to make it up to her. fast forward to end of june and i had to have another pair of fish and i used my hidden money to buy them and didnt cover my tracks and she found out. 
sidebar story. i been on opiates for many years now for pain. started out with percoset and now up to 80mg oxycontin and roxicodone for pain now. being addicted to these is hell, but its what i have to do to function as a normal human. but being on them so long i became a hollow man inside, like a zombie. when we fight i never speak. i know i am wrong and dont defend myself at all. i sit and promise the world and when its all over and we made up i go my back to my old self. i believe
the meds ruined my life and myself and cuased me to be this heartless human.
first step in getting help is admitting it. i do and i am actually going to a pain Dr tuesday and going on a med to detox from all my opiates. 

so my wife built this hige wall and kicked me out of her life. she wants us to prepare for a divorce but i asked her if she loved me still and she said yes. i asked if i can work on the relationship, she said yes, but be prepared if it doesnt work. so i have been. she said she needs time to her self and needs to work on her happyiness. i think she is having a mid life crisis cause we have no savings, not future planned and not sure where she wants to be. she has a good job, very demanding on her cause she's been there forever and has a great head on her shoulders and takes on way to much cause co-workers and bosses are inept and are usless. i know and met these people cause i worked at the same company for years and she is stuck cause she cant move out cause the dept will fail and since its a biotech company the standards will lack and someone could get hurt and a patient could get hurt or worse die. so she takes her psoition seriously. and this job is killing her. 
with my issues and job issues she is in this concrete bubble and wont let me in cause she doesnt want to get hurt. i understand. i know my faults and i had a long hard talk about me and what i am doing to better myself. i am doing detox, i started to go back to church cause it helps me think and open my mind. i picked up my resoponsibilities a ton and i been keeping active so i dont fall back into my ways. 
i know my issues and flaws and i take full responsibilty for them all and i am working to correct and fix them so i can better myself in case we reconsile, or move on.
i know i got a 50-50 chance of working it out and i know she needs time and space and to help herself. i dont see her doing anything to do that and it scares me. how can i help her? i am doing therapy for myself for my pain and depression issues and i am gonna go to MC by myself for a while till she is ready to go. 
how do i help her with herself? i have taken all the house stress from her. i do all the cleaning, kids stuff, money and whatever i can from her. i been doing it non stop for 3 weeks now and i wont let up. 
her major fear is letting go, and moving on and letting me back in her life. our both major fear is that inevitable next fight and how we go about and fix it. i really need to build her trust back in my and i need to figure how to do it.
i am ridding myself of all my additctions. i sold all my fish and stuff for 4000 and we agree'd to use it for a car for our son. i am ok with that. and i stopped going to the saltwater fish forums that take my time. i do have an addictive personalilty and i always need something to fixate on. like a hobby or a game with real people etc. now i am making her my addictive to fixate on.
but i am worried if i go to fast and to nice i can push her away to.

Sorry for the very long post. i wanted to put it all out there truthfully and see how i can make this work. thanks for the comments, good or bad. i know i am flawed, but i am 100% committed to fix this. she knows it with our heart to hearts all the time, but she said she needs time and space. i want to help her with that.

she is my life and i cant loose her. i


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Only you know the answer, I guess. I learned that every situation is different.

She wants space? Give it to her. She needs to sort herself out? Fine. 

You sort yourself out in the time being. If she's afraid of letting go, moving on, and getting hurt again, that's on her to sort out. Hard to hear, I know, and believe me, I'm in your spot. Keep up your counseling. Best of luck to you.


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## Samcro (Feb 12, 2012)

I plan on giving all the space she needs. I am being very busy around the house in order not to spend to much time with her, I'll fold a load of laundry on the bed while she is in it and have a little chit chat. Once I am done I as her if she needs anything and then I leave. Trying to keep my emotions in check cause I know I can me a wreak in seconds. 
I want to ask her what her plans are so bad if she sees us working or not, but asking that to much will make it worse I think,, so I been keeping to myself. Staying busy and doing my therapy sessions.


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## Samcro (Feb 12, 2012)

Couldn't sleep last night so I sent her an email so she would get it at work and then we could talk. I bore my heart on my sleeve. I told her everything and then she sent me another email telling me she don't know if she could get thru the trust issues and it was hard to do, but she is deciding to walk away from us. I went to the gym and got the email while leaving and driving home. I had to pull over to read it and I threw up after I did. I am so devastated it hurts so bad. 

The emotional roller coaster to put this woman thru is awful. I am seeing a MC tomorrow and my therapist. Friday.. All the while I am doing detox for my painkiller addiction. I never abused them. Just from the constant pain I was in..so I won't to clean my head and system from all meds so I can think and function for myself. I read many posts of the horrible sadness and pain alot of you are going thu and it has helped me get thru the day. The last week I been very emotional and even suicidal. Not dreaming of shooting myself, just wishing I would die and make it look accidental. So no one has to live with anything happening to me. 
I am such a mess.. I don't wish this on my mortal enemy.
I guess since we were very young in having kids, we were 19 when my son was born and married at 21. I was always proud of the fact we got married young and stuck it out to make it right. I loved the compliments about married quickly after meeting, we met in jan 94. She was pregnant in march that year and were we're married in July 96.

All the pain and opiates and other meds fogged my mind and dulled my senses and killed my emotions. Made me selfish and not putting her first.
Even after fighting and promising the world to her and I would change. Then I wouldn't follow thru with it and fall back in my ways. Every few months it would do this cycle and each I time she became more and more numb to me and finally one day she snapped and turned the world off. 


I asked her to come from home early to talk and see if i can change her mind.
How do I prove to her that in my heart and soul I am changed and I been doing things to prove it and keep myself from failing and getting better. I am doing detox for opiates, going to church again for my spirit and MC and IC for to help with me and us.
I know doing this a few times only so far isn't a good benchmark for success, but I want this to work. She is my everything.

What are some good reads and things to do to help her start to get over our trust issues? I want to help her with trusting me. I want to her to go thu my emails and my phone to show I am not hiding anything from her. I want to be an open book and not have a way to hide anything from her.
If it doesn't go well, I want to separate and move out ASAP and not be in the same place with her and the kids. I don't think it's fair to each of us to remain in the same house where we see each other and the tension between us is unbearable and I don't want the kids to get in the middle of us. 
If she 100% says no way and we are done, I am leaving to go do detox at a clinic to help with the detox and my depression so I don't do something stupid to myself and regret it. 
so maybe the 1 - - weeks at a clinic might be useful.
I don't work so it's hard for me to find a place and she is worried about that she said. I will move out into a halfway house or maybe stay at a friend house if needed.mi don't want to run away and go to my parents house 3 hours away. I want to see the boys all the time. 
So I am gonna start using this as a blog to get out my frustrations and feelings cause it does make me feel better.


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## Samcro (Feb 12, 2012)

Been a few roller coaster days and it seems things might be looking up. I kept telling her I wanted to change all those years and never did. Now she see's I am changing its had a good effect on her. Instead of loosing my man hood, I pulled my self up by the boot straps and bettering myself. 

Had a real hard talk Monday and I gave her the space she needs and i went to work on myself. Seen the dr and got on meds to stop taking my pain meds. She knew I was going and texted me asking how it was going. Kept it short and sweet telling her I was good and feeling better. Had to stop cold turkey on the meds to start the suboxone. 
Going thru a detox, switching meds, and these issues with the marriage, is tearing me apart. Don't know if doing all at once was a good idea, but I know I will be better for it. I guess the pain from the marriage will be drowned out by the pain and suffering from the meds. Hehe 

After dinner she wanted to go on a walk, I said sure. Even though I felt like utter hamburger, I went. Good hour walk made the joints flame up. But the time was nice, we just talked about the kids and her work and no personal stuff.
Painful,but good day.


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