# arguing in front of kids



## 30Mom (Jan 21, 2012)

I'm finding myself unable to hold back comments leading to loud verbal exchanges between me and my husband and in front of our 2 young children. 

I probably learned this behavior from my parents who really did not shelter us, their own children, from their maritial discords. I don't know any other way to handle this. What can i do? I don't want my children to learn this unhealthy behavior. How do I break the cycle? Please help.


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

30Mom said:


> I'm finding myself unable to hold back comments leading to loud verbal exchanges between me and my husband and in front of our 2 young children.
> 
> I probably learned this behavior from my parents who really did not shelter us, their own children, from their maritial discords. I don't know any other way to handle this. What can i do? I don't want my children to learn this unhealthy behavior. How do I break the cycle? Please help.


The problem is escalation of the argument. My EXW would go from 0-60 in front of our boy and I ended just keeping quiet to keep the peace. 

Basically think about your kids first. Some issues need to be argued but verbal escalation should be avoided. If he escalates an issue then he has a temper problem. If you verbally escalate the issue then you have a temper issue. 

Nobody is perfect and it does happen. My own problem was that my ex would continue to harrass on the issue that bothered her making me snap in frustration and then I would blow up. Not right and I feel terrible.

May I ask what was the last fight about? Could have it been discussed in a normal tone or later when the kids are asleep?


----------



## 30Mom (Jan 21, 2012)

We argue about everything. The last one was probably about the intellectual potential of our children, with me arguing that we need to invest in our children. That we need to assume that every child has good genes. And that good genes with good environment would make a great recipe for successful kids. My husband argues that genes determine primarily pretty much what our kids our capable of and that any given environment would not enhance or derail them from their full potential. 

I enjoy having those thought provoking conversations with my husband but I get heated over them sometimes. It's difficult to just say "I disagree with you" and not return to the issue because whatever belief we have will ultimately lead to how we raise our children, where we live, what school we send them, etc.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What do you mean you don't know how to handle this?

You do not have control over your mouth? You cannot keep your mouth quiet until you can talk to your mate in private?

You DO know how to handle it...you just have to practice it.

When something starts, either quietly discuss it or smile and ask to talk in private. 

To break the cycle you just have to break it. You are aware of it, so now, don't do it anymore. Bite your tongue and take a breath before you speak.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

30Mom said:


> We argue about everything. The last one was probably about the intellectual potential of our children, with me arguing that we need to invest in our children. That we need to assume that every child has good genes. And that good genes with good environment would make a great recipe for successful kids. My husband argues that genes determine primarily pretty much what our kids our capable of and that any given environment would not enhance or derail them from their full potential.
> 
> I enjoy having those thought provoking conversations with my husband but I get heated over them sometimes. It's difficult to just say "I disagree with you" and not return to the issue because whatever belief we have will ultimately lead to how we raise our children, where we live, what school we send them, etc.


Stop getting heated over opinions. Instead, look up facts. The internet is great for that.


----------



## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

I'm somewhat divided on this subject. While I don't like to get into argument in front of the kids, I let it happen sometimes, totally depending on the topic though. 

Growing up I had no idea that my parents _ever_ fought...ever...so when I became older and got into my current relationship, I would have a meltdown every time we had a fight because I did not think that this was normal for a healthy couple, that led to a lot of the insecurities that I had, which in turn led to more fights. Then come to find out a few years ago when I was talking to my mom, her and my dad fought all the time just as bad as me and my H, but they did it when me and my brother weren't around, so we had no clue....

While I appreciate my parents' concern for me and my brother, it gave me sort of a false view of a healthy relationship. People are different, they're going to argue, it's a fact of life!!! 

The only things that I absolutely will not fight with the H about in front of the kids is our "private" problems whatever they may be at the time, or if it starts to get to heated I will just walk away and be done with it until later.


----------



## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

It's important for your children to see you argue. As long as it's done constructively. It teaches them resolve and problem solving. Your husband teaches them this is how husbands are, your being quiet teaches them the wife just simply must take it and not defend herself. Your both not helping. I think you need to calmly speak up in the argument and present your side. Talk to the kids.... explain what is wrong about the argument. IMHO


----------



## 30Mom (Jan 21, 2012)

Thanks for the reply. It is not this easy for me to just bite my tongue. I don't know why. 

Sometimes I think depression might play a part in not being able to hold back my emotion. I don't remember being like this before. I admire my husband's courage in being the better person in these situations but I am posting on the forum to look for feedback because I know I need help.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Arguing is fine. It's ok to disagree and its' good for kids to see their parents argue and resolve it.

Fighting and yelling and calling names is emotional abuse for children.


----------



## alliano (Feb 23, 2012)

I come from parents who never yelled or even disagreed in front of the kids, yet were extremely unhappy with their relationship. I was blind-sided upon discovering that they were having problems, and I didn't understand why they separated.

When it comes to my own kids, my husband and I don't argue in front of them. I don't want them to think marriage is easy, but they're young enough that it would be more appropriate to have that discussion down the road. However I don't want any yelling/name-calling in front of them ever.

It depends on your situation. Some disagreeing is healthy for them to witness that everything about marriage isn't easy and thus setting unrealistic expectations for their future relationships, but you don't want them to witness you two berating and belittling one another.


----------



## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

There's a difference between arguing and slandering.

If your kids see you disagreeing, most of the time they won't pick up on it unless you are yelling, stomping around or swearing. It's the anger that comes through.

If my husband and I ever begin to argue - and it can happen pretty quickly over anything, that's life - if our daughter is in the room or the car, one of us says 'Lets talk about it later', and no matter how mad we are we stop so it doesn't escalate.

The moment you find yourself beginning to argue and feel it getting out of control calmly announce 'we will talk about this later', smile at your children and go do something fun. If your husband continues, walk away.

Children pick up vibes and tones more than words.


----------



## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello,

The general behavior I suggest to couples on this subject is to show your children the balanced way to handle an argument.

We can disagree without being disagreeable, we can discuss sensitive topics while keeping our temper and our tone civil. It is difficult to do and realistically it will not work every time however we do strive for it each time. 

Navigating sensitive discussions is a critical life skill for both you and your children. Arguing in a civil manner in front of them teaches them the following balanced traits for their future relationships: 

- arguments are normal 
- you can argue in a loving polite way
- sometimes you can get angry but you can also keep it under control
- the result of such arguments can be a loving peaceful consensus
- adults are not infallible, they may loose their temper but you as loving husband and wife make every effort to keep it in check and so will they when they grow up

Generally speaking as children grow up they have one model of a relationship. That of their parents and most often that forms the basis of how they will handle situations in their own relationship. 

As such the greatest gift you can give to your child is to love your partner and interact in a loving respectful way especially through conflicts.


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

30Mom said:


> Thanks for the reply. It is not this easy for me to just bite my tongue. I don't know why.
> 
> Sometimes I think depression might play a part in not being able to hold back my emotion. I don't remember being like this before. I admire my husband's courage in being the better person in these situations but I am posting on the forum to look for feedback because I know I need help.



No its not easy but the things in life that are worth doing are hard. Even though its hard you do it because its best for the children. 

My wife grew up in a family that fought like that all the time while I grew up in a family that did not. I remember thinking of her family at the time "these people are crazy." They have no social skills.

My wife learned over the years how to control that part that she learned from them and so can you. You just have to be willing and do it. You have admitted you know what the problem is at this point so just do it. The tongue is a muscle and your brain controls that muscle so use it wisely.


----------



## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

delup said:


> My wife actually called the kids out of bed to join in her fight and wanted to hear their opinion of their f*@#ing a#@*ole c#@t of a father, all at full volume while spitting in rage..


That's bad. Don't ever let her use your kids like that. If she has issues, then you need to step up and be the one to protect the children.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

In the last 13 years we've had one argument, which lasted a whole 5 minutes. It wasn't going anywhere and I locked myself in my room for quiet time. A couple days later he apologized over the phone while he was at work. We did this in private. We would never argue in front of our children and agreed not to early on in our marriage. The subject did come up.

I don't see anything wrong with not arguing. My husband and I get along so extremely well. We have a beautiful marriage. My husband and I are very compatible. We talk things through and compromise well, even if it takes a few days for a final solution. We take our time to think things through.


----------



## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

If you have depression and you are unable to control your temper, then I suspect its an anger issue. Do you have some accumulated anger in you that makes you want to throw it one someone? I ask this because when I was suffering from ppd I had this problem I had so much anger in me on some situation and people that I brought it out at my mom often for simplest things but not on H. The kids watched me do this and I felt like the lowest of living things each time after that. I simply didn't know how it starts and ends but only knew that I am always wrong. My mom is clearly not doing and saying the right things but I do not have to have handled it the way I did but some reason I did and felt very guilty after that. I stopped only when I discovered that I have anger issues and I worked on what caused that anger, now she still does those things but I just look at my kids before answering her and try to be as civil as possible. 

About letting your kids watch us argue, IMO its good for kids to see porblems and disagreements and how we solve them in a civil and fair manner but not good for them to see us argue. 

You do need help, talk to a counsellor or someone who can guide you in finding a strategy that will work for you. But the good news is you are aware of it and not liking it. Keep working on it, you can do it.


----------



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I deal with this too. I am in your shoes. I am the one who will lose my temper first. I am not incapable of having a civilized argument, but my husband hates any kind of discussion and shuts down completely at any attempt of discussion or instead of making a constructive comment he starts name calling. Both reactions make Kraus extremely angry and frustrated. I do not raise my voice in front of the kids, but I often have to leave the room...occasionally if I am seething I have to leave the house for several hours. I do not like my kids seeing that either to be honest. They can sense our anger and know something is wrong when I leave. I don't know which is a better way to handle it, completely let him have it or leave for an extended period of time. I don't have a solution to offer you, I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

that_girl said:


> Stop getting heated over opinions. Instead, look up facts. The internet is great for that.


I do that all the time! If we disagree over something that can be researched to find the best answer, I stop, get my phone and do a quick Google search. This has stopped arguments in their tracks. 

As far as all out arguing in front of the children, I am at fault as much as my H is. We are working hard to change this behavior and so far, so good. What I find myself doing is actually looking at my children faces before I utter something I know could escalate an argument. Something about their little faces that remind me I'm responsible for how they are raised. I don't know, it's working for me.


----------

