# Finding myself



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

So what exactly is this supposed to mean? My divorce will be finalized December 6 and ever since I initially told people that stbxh and I split I've been told I can use the time to be alone to find myself. I know who I am and though I'm hurt by what he has done to me I know that it was nothing I did and to never lower my standards ever again. I know what I want out of life and naturally everything will fall into place in between. So what am I supposed to find?


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Well, never lowering your standards is a start. 

You are rediscovering you. What makes you tick. What makes you happy. What do you enjoy, alone. What is it about life that gives you joy. You lost a lot of that in a marriage that dissolved. A lot of us do.

What I did, I went back "home". I reconnected with old friends. Old teachers. Things that I had wanted to do when I was in that young and wanting to conquer the world phase. I know I can't conquer the world, but I started looking for that little girl that had confidence once more. She got lost along the way somehow. 

I went to a concert, by my self. I enjoyed every moment of it. 

I called friends he had pushed me to cut off ties with because he didn't ever like my friends. 

I also went to therapy. I worked on where I went wrong in the marriage. I accepted my faults. Then worked through being angry, and hurt and the grief. I'm still working through it. It is a process, and will take a while to come to peace with. But I've started it, and you can too.

Good luck. There is nothing easy about this road. But we do get stronger, I believe, in the end.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

SepticChange said:


> So what exactly is this supposed to mean? My divorce will be finalized December 6 and ever since I initially told people that stbxh and I split I've been told I can use the time to be alone to find myself. I know who I am and though I'm hurt by what he has done to me I know that it was nothing I did and to never lower my standards ever again. I know what I want out of life and naturally everything will fall into place in between. So what am I supposed to find?


How long were you together?
Do you have any children?

Most people experience a change when they marry. We tent to assimilate our likes/dislikes and our attitude to meet that of our spouses. Perhaps, this is what people mean.

You have to rediscover who you are. Can you make it by yourself financially? Can you go out and meet new people? Do you want to go out and meet new people? 

Just small stuff like that.

Stay strong!


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

*Re: Re: Finding myself*



ne9907 said:


> How long were you together?
> Do you have any children?
> 
> Most people experience a change when they marry. We tent to assimilate our likes/dislikes and our attitude to meet that of our spouses. Perhaps, this is what people mean.
> ...


We were married 2 years with no children. Financially I'm just fine and to combat the loneliness of living in a new area not knowing anybody, I had a friend from back home move in with me. Just feels like old times like we were never apart; in fact we grew closer. I just don't know. I understand that as human beings we keep growing and discovering ourselves but at the moment I know who I am and where I'm going. Stbxh just took himself out. Yes, I'm heartbroken and currently sad but I'm still me and know that I will bounce back in time just as with any other adversity. 

I'm 25 so it could be that because of my age people feel obligated to tell me that...?


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

SepticChange said:


> We were married 2 years with no children. Financially I'm just fine and to combat the loneliness of living in a new area not knowing anybody, I had a friend from back home move in with me. Just feels like old times like we were never apart; in fact we grew closer. I just don't know. I understand that as human beings we keep growing and discovering ourselves but at the moment I know who I am and where I'm going. Stbxh just took himself out. Yes, I'm heartbroken and currently sad but I'm still me and know that I will bounce back in time just as with any other adversity.
> 
> I'm 25 so it could be that because of my age people feel obligated to tell me that...?


Maybe they are being nice. For me, I am still embarrassed to tell people I know I am divorcing. SOme people feel the dissolution of a marriage is devastating and are usually lost for words. So they just say what comes to mind and what is mostly true in most divorce situations.

I know, on my part, I have to re discover myself. I was together with ex for 15 years!! 

You are young and independent, you will be fine, we all will be fine!!!

Keep looking forwards towards the future!


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Cliches from people that do not know what to say.

If you know what you want go get it!

I like your confidence. Don't let people who do not understand the situation and clearly do not know you make you second guess your future.

Go get it!
Stretch


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

What did you learn from your marriage? What was good, what was bad? What would you look for in a mate next time? What would you do differently next time? What did you overlook or not know to look for in your last marriage that are important to consider next time? Have your values or priorities changed? Who are you if you take away the responsibilities and roles that constrain you (e.g., children, job, caregiver, etc.)?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It means take time to get to know yourself again; w/o being married. It's a huge step in the healing process.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

SepticChange, I also think a big part of it is being happy alone. Many people move very quickly from relationship to relationship, because they either identify themselves through their relationships, or they aren't happy with who they are and so they try to find happiness through another person.

(I don't know you, so I don't know if either of these apply to you.)

If you can take the time and learn to love yourself and be happy alone, then you will be a better partner in the future.

I also think the time is about figuring out what makes you tick. It's awesome that you're so confident and you know what you want, but there's still some stuff for you to think about. Obviously, your marriage didn't work out; why was was he a poor fit for you? Why would you choose someone like that? What are the subconscious forces at play here?

Maybe you've already worked through all of these. You have a LOT of threads on TAM, and I can't possibly read them all. But if you haven't worked through these, and other similar questions/issues, then you might want to take some time for this, as this is part of finding yourself.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

I've spent most of my youth being single so it's just back to old times for me it seems. As for my threads a lot of them seem to be searching for answers on how the other spouse behaves and why and what makes them tick. Believe it or not during the marriage I was thinking about some of those things and why it was going downhill. I will never know all the answers and at somw point will just have to accept that it just didn't work out. I'm curious to know what other people did to find themselves.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

I'm more than willing to take advice on what I can do to just make myself a better person.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

SepticChange said:


> I'm more than willing to take advice on what I can do to just make myself a better person.


Well, what are some of the things you think you should change to become a better person?


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

*Re: Re: Finding myself*



FeministInPink said:


> Well, what are some of the things you think you should change to become a better person?


Well...just improve on personal habits and my attitude.


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