# Need a man's opinion



## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Hi, 
I have posted a few times about my sex life. It's time to do something, so I wanted to ask the opinions of the men here. Here's the story. More details in other posts if you want to know or ask and I will answer.
Married 30 years. EA by me around year 18. The man was 1000 miles away. Husband never asked that I quit, although he made it clear he did not like it. I will not make excuses. It was a person I knew in the past and had had a child with. The child did not live. I did not know it at the time, but my husband began pursuing women. I do not know if he had an affair at that time. Our marriage deteriorated. He did ultimately have an affair and we separated years 20-22. We both saw the light and went to counseling, found God, and reconciled.

Husband has little to no interest in sex with me. I have caught him multiple times masturbating next to me in bed. (caught him doing this long before we had problems, actually) He is a lazy lover and does very little to help me achieve orgasm. He wants fast sex only - basically quickies - when I ask for sex. If I ask, he generally says yes. I only ask when I am ready to go, because there is just enough foreplay to get him hard and then he's off to the races. 

I have asked for many things over the years. We have never done any. There is no build up. No flirting. Nothing. We are basically business partners. He loves me and he is very good to me in general, but I surely don't feel like a woman around him. He wants me to dress nice and I do. I think he would prefer I be a little ****tier....but now that I feel I could I am 55. I am slim and in shape. If I change my clothes in front of him or walk around naked, he does not even look up.

Now....since the reconciliation there have been plenty of times I have caught him in little lies about other women. He says he had lunch with Joe who runs a department and I find out later that "Joe" is a woman and they have exchanged cute little emails about how they like the time they spend at lunch. His high school girlfriend works in an office that is under my husband but 40 miles away. He pursued her before we separated. I asked that he tell me when he needs to see her. He has not - on multiple occasions. An colleague who left the company was here in town one day and he had lunch with her - she made a point to come here from the airport to meet him. He lied to me about what he did for lunch and then became hostile for no reason - accusing me of being angry when I swear I could have won the Oscar for my non-angry performance. I could give you 4-5 more examples.

We recently started ballroom dancing classes. You start the class with your own partner, but they rotate so you only dance with your own partner a small part of the time. Suddenly, he asks for sex the mornings after dance (too tired when we get home - he is a morning person). I am insulted.

I am done with this. My whole world revolves around this man. I moved to a new city 18 months ago so he could take a different position with his company, and he has been telling for for the last 12 of the months that he is going to lose his job. (he is the #1 person in the country in this position and has been for the last 12 months, yet every day it is complaints and talk of losing his job.

Now, he often takes calls at home. The other day he was on a call with a female and he was sooooo friendly. It was not inappropriate, but it was more friendly than with the men. He has admitted that he looks for attention from women and insists he loves me only. At the holiday party, I discovered that one of the women he works with a lot is asian and I recently found asian porn on his phone

Oh, and he changed the passcode on his phone. I knew the old one. 

So, none of these things on their own is a deal breaker, but I am putting all the pieces together and coming to the conclusion that my husband is simply not attracted to me. I don't like the way any of these things feels, and I am ready to tell him. I started to tell him and he got mad, so I stopped and said I was in a bad mood because of the rain. A few minutes later I came to him and told him it was not the rain, and that when I was ready to talk to him I would not be letting him off the hook by saying things were due to a mood. He just looked at me and then left for work without saying goodbye.

Sorry this is long. Am I right? What is your perspective? There is no yelling or carrying on in our house. I don't nag. I do nearly everything for him...and btw, I am tired of being his maid.

EDIT: to address Evinrude below: this is not just a bad lover. How about when we do have sex he is not clean? I got to the point where I insisted he shower before we had sex because of the flaming, burning, violent reaction in my genitals. He knew what was causing it and he didn't take the initiative to ensure he was clean....multiple times in our marriage. My genitals swell, become inflamed, red, itchy and bloody. Have been checked for std's. IT IS FECES! Well, last week I offered sex to calm him down - he was wound tight about something. He said yes. Pretty soon I smelled something horrible. I asked if he needed to shower and he said probably. He was going to go ahead, knowing he was not clean. Are these the actions of a man who loves me??????


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Have you tried marriage counseling?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

What signs does he give that he loves you?


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Have you tried marriage counseling?


 we went to marriage counseling when we were first married and then again when we reconciled.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

uhtred said:


> What signs does he give that he loves you?


He is very sweet and good to me. He wants to spend all his time with me. There are actually times when I have to leave so i can have thoughts to myself. When he is home, he wants my full attention. As I write that, I realize that that is not love. That is dependence. Crimey. This is horrible. 30 years down the tubes because I don't want to settle for a sweet business partner.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

NickyT said:


> He is very sweet and good to me. He wants to spend all his time with me. There are actually times when I have to leave so i can have thoughts to myself. When he is home, he wants my full attention. As I write that, I realize that that is not love. That is dependence. Crimey. This is horrible. 30 years down the tubes because I don't want to settle for a sweet business partner.


That is really horrible that your husband is very sweet and good to you, and wants to spend all his time with you and gives you his full attention. He's really a rotten bastard.

Dependence? Horrible? LOL, lots of women will be eager to trade places with you. You cheated on your husband. That's where you got sideways. Maybe he's a bad lover. Is that really a reason to divorce him? I don't know. Apparently you've decided that a man that treats you great and wants your attention but is a bad lover is just more than you can handle.
Good luck.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

NickyT said:


> we went to marriage counseling when we were first married and then again when we reconciled.


Sounds like you need tune up, and you need to be honest about where you are in all this and how you are getting close to done.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

NickyT said:


> we went to marriage counseling when we were first married and then again when we reconciled.


Ask you pastor to recommend a good Christian marriage counsellor. Your husband isn't acting in a faithful way, he is crossing boundaries and as a Christian surely he knows that porn is wrong?


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> That is really horrible that your husband is very sweet and good to you, and wants to spend all his time with you and gives you his full attention. He's really a rotten bastard.
> 
> Dependence? Horrible? LOL, lots of women will be eager to trade places with you. You cheated on your husband. That's where you got sideways. Maybe he's a bad lover. Is that really a reason to divorce him? I don't know. Apparently you've decided that a man that treats you great and wants your attention but is a bad lover is just more than you can handle.
> Good luck.


Yes, I had an EA with a man I had a child with in college. This was very hurtful - at least that's what I have come to believe. He never told me that. He told me to "do what I had to do". At that point he was having sexy talk with his secretary (I have never confirmed an affair with her) and he was dating multiple women. Ultimately he had an affair - all the while declaring how he loved me and telling me how he did not want our marriage to end. I found out long after the fact that that is why he did not seem to care that I was talking to that other man.

He has lied to me repeatedly about many different women. He has seen women he was pursuing after we reconciled. I found out after we reconciled that he had been on match.com just 4 weeks before we made the decision for him to return to the home. I thought it had been a year.

So....all that time with me...yes....he is generally very good and sweet to me. THIS IS WHY I AM HERE ASKING FOR HELP. It is hard to figure out.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Sounds like you need tune up, and you need to be honest about where you are in all this and how you are getting close to done.


Please read my edit at the bottom of the posting and the notes I made to Evinrude in a reply. I would like to know your thoughts on that. Sorry. A bit of it is tmi, but I feel there is a whole situation to evaluate.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

NickyT said:


> Yes, I had an EA with a man I had a child with in college. This was very hurtful - at least that's what I have come to believe. He never told me that. He told me to "do what I had to do". At that point he was having sexy talk with his secretary (I have never confirmed an affair with her) and he was dating multiple women. Ultimately he had an affair - all the while declaring how he loved me and telling me how he did not want our marriage to end. I found out long after the fact that that is why he did not seem to care that I was talking to that other man.
> 
> He has lied to me repeatedly about many different women. He has seen women he was pursuing after we reconciled. I found out after we reconciled that he had been on match.com just 4 weeks before we made the decision for him to return to the home. I thought it had been a year.
> 
> So....all that time with me...yes....he is generally very good and sweet to me. THIS IS WHY I AM HERE ASKING FOR HELP. It is hard to figure out.


The only reason a man would tell you to "do what you had to do" is that he doesn't give a **** because he's banging his secretary. Sooooooo......... He has fallen out of love with you about the same time you fell out of love with him in your emotional affair. It's not hard to figure out. You are likely not getting good sex because he really isn't in love with you...

So..... I can't say as I would blame you if you divorce. The very good and very sweet to you??? It may very well be that he's getting his sexual needs met elsewhere as we speak, and that he just wants cake. He wants you for friendship and security, he wants them for romance and sex.

Based on what you've described, he's a serial cheater. You did WRONG having the affair. It doesn't excuse what he's done at all. 

I'd talk to a therapist alone, find yourself and make a decision from a position of strength.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

NickyT said:


> We both saw the light and went to counseling, found God, and reconciled.


I can only imagine what your marriage must have been like _*before*_ you both saw the light, went to counseling, and found God. 

After all of these years and second chances, I suggest that you amicably end this marriage and begin a new life.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

I wouldn't stay with someone who 

Cheated
Has to be reminded to make sure hes clean
Doesn't care to be a good lover
Doesn't desire me physically 


And that smothers me to the point of I have to leave to clear my thoughts.

Ymmv


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

First off, remember that in the long run, you are dead, humans are extinct, the sun burns out and the universe either undergoes heat death or a new inflationary cycle. Or maybe a little more succinctly its not "down the tubes", its just life. Absent a time machine all you can do is decide what you want to do from where you are now. 

Whether or not what he does is love or dependence doesn't really matter either 

I'd suggest not worrying about "fault", it doesn't matter. Don't worry about how you got here. Think about what would make you happy now - and whether or not that is fair to him and other people in your life.






NickyT said:


> He is very sweet and good to me. He wants to spend all his time with me. There are actually times when I have to leave so i can have thoughts to myself. When he is home, he wants my full attention. As I write that, I realize that that is not love. That is dependence. Crimey. This is horrible. 30 years down the tubes because I don't want to settle for a sweet business partner.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I am about to turn 54 and have been married 22.5 years and have been around the block as both a single, adult male and a married man for the last 22 years. 

I will be very very blunt with you - This is how it is. This is how it will be and this is what you get. 

The question you need to be asking is to ask yourself is this good enough?

You aren't going to be able to change him. If you have to nag and get on him to wash poop off his penis before you have a minute worth of sex, then there is no hope for him ever being more than what he is now. 

You got nuth'n to work with here. 

This all comes down to the question of if this is where you want to be when Jesus comes back or not. It's all really on you. Is this how you want to live and is this what you want your life to be. 

If you decide that his income and the house he provides and the food on the table and his jokes are good enough for you to live out the rest of your days like this - then so be it. 

If you decide this isn't good enough and you want to find a man that doesn't have poop on his d1(k, then you are going to have to find someone else that knows what soap and water are. 

Are you better off with him or without him? That's what you need to answer. We cannot provide that answer.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

How in the heck is he getting feces on his penis????


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now that being said, I have the feeling the real reason you wrote asking for men's opinions was to gather some insight on what might be going on in his head and in his heart and how he really views your marriage and relationship. 

None of us can read his mind or his emotions of course, but in reading his actions, my opinion is that he sees you as a Wife Appliance. 

(and in some ways I think you see him as a Husband and Provider Appliance as well)

You make his life easier. You are someone he can whine to vent to when he gets home. You raised and took care of he kids. You haven't mentioned household chores but lets just say you do the lion's share of the cooking and cleaning and such. And you make him look more presentable and squared away as a married man in the eyes of the company and community. And let's also keep in mind that you keep him from going to work with dingle berries hanging off his butt and his junk. 

This way he can flirt and hit on chicks all the livelong, but he has his Wife Appliance at home taking care of the house and keeping up appearances. 

Wife Appliances are often pretty content with a nice house and a car and various knick knacks. But sometimes they need some love's too. When that happens, no need to wipe the turds of his d!(k, if he can just get it up, get it in and get it off as quickly and efficiently as he can - that should shut her up until next time right? 

You wanted men's opinions. In my opinion, you two are content companions and roommates that work out a system of rent and utility payments, household chores and friendly companionship. 

There ain't nuth'n inherently wrong with that if it works for both parties and both parties agree to it. 

But if you want a full-service marriage with intimacy and passion and a feeling that you are each the other's special someone that they cherish and hold above and beyond all others - this ain't it. This is a domestic roommate situation and each of you have been searching for intimacy and passion and sexuality elsewhere. 

That part died somewhere in the past 30 years. I am sorry. I really am. 

Like all deaths, you will go through the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining etc etc) and ultimately come to acceptance and then carry on with life. 

You option now is whether to continue as is - or hold the wake and funeral and give it a dignified burial and move on.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> How in the heck is he getting feces on his penis????


By not bothering to clean up after himself. 

And that is assuming it is his own poop. The other possible explanation is he just got done having back door sex with the secretary and didn't bother cleaning up after himself after that. 

Either way, he is not bothering to take the time to wipe.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Livvie said:


> How in the heck is he getting feces on his penis????


I think he does not clean himself. I am fastidious that I am cleaned after a BM, so this just....ugh, it's too much! He always has skid marks on his underwear and even his bathrobe (that I have to put in the hamper and clean - he seems oblivious to them). I have asked and the answer is always "I have problems with that". How do you deal with this in a marriage????? My husband is very successful and well respected.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> By not bothering to clean up after himself.
> 
> And that is assuming it is his own poop. The other possible explanation is he just got done having back door sex with the secretary and didn't bother cleaning up after himself after that.
> 
> Either way, he is not bothering to take the time to wipe.


I am positive it is his own. Oh dear!!!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

NickyT said:


> we went to marriage counseling when we were first married and then again when we reconciled.


MC can be effective at helping people communicate their needs and express the things that bother them and detract from the happiness of the relationship. 

MC does not change people's innate character and it does not "make" people love their spouse or make their spouse love them. 

And if the world ever gets to the point where marriage counselors have to tell people to wash the poop off their genitalia before having sex, then we are all doomed. 

I never say never, but the chances of going from having to ask your spouse to have sex with you and them not even bothering to wipe properly and then pumping away for a minute or two, to changing into an intimate and passionate relationship is a very very very long leap. 

Can it be done if both people are fully committed to it and willing to put in the daily heavy lifting for as long as it takes???? Maybe. 

Would it be $#!+ton easier to pack bags, move into a new place and start dating again at mid50s? Oh yeah for sure. 

"It's easier to give birth than to resurrect the dead."

-Athol Kay


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Oh my gosh please don't let this descend into another skid thread....

It is simply disgusting that he wouldn't keep himself clean. It is usually a symptom of depression. Has he been depressed?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

So... aside from the gross

Total transparency?

Did you get the new passcode for his phone? Do you take his phone and read it any time you happen to feel like it?

My wife has mine, for all my phones, and takes mine and browses them any old time. 

And it was my wife who had the affair. I just believe in total transparency both ways.


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## tom72 (Nov 4, 2017)

*Was* just eating yogurt when I read this......


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

NickyT said:


> Please read my edit at the bottom of the posting and the notes I made to Evinrude in a reply. I would like to know your thoughts on that. Sorry. A bit of it is tmi, but I feel there is a whole situation to evaluate.


My thoughts are you don't sound very happy. Yeah he is a lazy lover, and dirty but that just kind of fits the whole pattern you described. You both have had a very loose marriage as far as fidelity is concerned, which pretty much is a good way to destroy the spirit in the marriage. That is real hard to get back. It takes really hard work and dedication from both of you. Sounds like you were willing (but we only have your point of view) but he wasn't.

You need to have your come to Jesus moment with him and see if he is willing to change. Go from there.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> I am about to turn 54 and have been married 22.5 years and have been around the block as both a single, adult male and a married man for the last 22 years.
> 
> I will be very very blunt with you - This is how it is. This is how it will be and this is what you get.
> 
> ...


This is the best answer I have seen in a long time..........Heed it!


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

NickyT said:


> I think he does not clean himself. I am fastidious that I am cleaned after a BM, so this just....ugh, it's too much! He always has skid marks on his underwear and even his bathrobe (that I have to put in the hamper and clean - he seems oblivious to them). I have asked and the answer is always "I have problems with that". How do you deal with this in a marriage????? My husband is very successful and well respected.


.........yes, but he is an absolute slob of a human being......get the hell out of there.......


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Plain and simple: Sex is supposed to be "clean!"

Either he cleans his filthy a$$, among other things ~ or you show his dirty a$$ the door! 

And start your filing for divorce! Which I really couldn't blame you for doing in the first place!*


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

NickyT said:


> Sorry this is long. Am I right? What is your perspective? There is no yelling or carrying on in our house. I don't nag. I do nearly everything for him...and btw, I am tired of being his maid.
> 
> EDIT: to address Evinrude below: this is not just a bad lover. How about when we do have sex he is not clean? I got to the point where I insisted he shower before we had sex because of the flaming, burning, violent reaction in my genitals. He knew what was causing it and he didn't take the initiative to ensure he was clean....multiple times in our marriage. My genitals swell, become inflamed, red, itchy and bloody. Have been checked for std's. IT IS FECES! Well, last week I offered sex to calm him down - he was wound tight about something. He said yes. Pretty soon I smelled something horrible. I asked if he needed to shower and he said probably. He was going to go ahead, knowing he was not clean. Are these the actions of a man who loves me??????


... how does one, get feces on his willy exactly?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I was wondering that, too.

My conclusion is he's either gay or has a really long ****


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Evinrude58 said:


> I was wondering that, too.
> 
> My conclusion is he's either gay or has a really long ****


So he slides his hose in between his own butt cheeks and wipes his own a$$ with it?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Apparently so.
Or plays baseball with his turds


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Evinrude58 said:


> Apparently so.
> Or plays baseball with his turds


Lol, but baseball with his turds would just get on his hand... unless he gets turned on so much by his own turds in his hands he smudges it down his pants!

Ah heck WTF lol, OP needs to clarify this otherwise our imagination is going bonkers haha


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