# Always in the wrong



## hopeless212 (Aug 11, 2015)

I come to you guys out of desperation. My husband and I are in our late twenties. We've been together for 3 years married for 1. I'm constantly drowning in self doubt and self hatred. My husband is a picky man. Our first year of being together was great, but I did start picking up on little things that he was particular about, water spots on a pot I just washed and dried, don't put that here- put it there, not like that-like this, clean this way-not that way, wash this way, I'm helping you, I'm just trying to help, you're learning, why don't you remember what I tell you...etc etc. Sadly, my dad was the kind of person who would tell you to do something, then redo it because you most likely did it wrong. That was my life growing up so you can imagine that I never felt accepted or good enough for my dad. I suffer from depression, anxiety, and anger. After getting out of a bad relationship I finally started to breathe, that's when I met my husband. He made me feel different, alive, loved, adored, etc. We fell in love instantly. We were happy for almost a full year before the fights started. They started out small. Both he and I have a pride issue, no matter how low I think of myself I'm really good in a fight..which isn't good. Anyway, thinking back on those fights, every time I was upset with him, he somehow made it to where he was upset with me. I have a horrible memory so I honestly can't even rely on what I remember. He had me start writing down in a journal our fights and why they started so I would learn not to act a certain way anymore. That obviously didn't help because after every fight I wrote about how much I hate myself and how I've failed again. It's been like this since then. We are married and.. well, I don't think we are happy. There are times we are, but almost every day there is an argument. Somehow..I always end up groveling and apologizing. It's my fault for being so emotional and out of control. When my husband corrects the things I do I take huge offence, I'm embarrassed, hurt, angry, and I sometimes hate him. He has always tried to do it in a nice way, but even then it kills me. There is this way he starts it out and I know from the minute I hear "Hey babe?" that there is about to be a lesson on laundry, or dishes, or vacuuming, or... ****ing. He has done this during sex. He has corrected me during sex. I believe my husband is also addicted to porn and he can't orgasm through vaginal penetration due to a medical issue, so I'm kind of about to internally explode. I am so frustrated. I never feel good enough, I never feel like I'm doing anything right. I'm obviously on high alert every time I do anything. I've been deathly afraid of making dinner because he is amazing at cooking and I don't want him to teach me. I'm tired of him teaching me. I just want to be me. When I bring it up, he says " Well do you just want me to lie and say you'r doing it right when you're not?" YES! Sometimes I do. I am having emotional breakdowns every day whiles he's gone at work. I cry and cry. I scream, I hit myself..I used to do this when my dad was angry at me, when my ex was busy drinking and now I do it with the man I thought would never make me feel this way.. Maybe it is all my fault and I'm just an emotional nutcase. I cannot handle the constant pressure. He even says he doesn't try to pressure me. He always has a comeback from something I say. There's always a reason for his actions. I've become mean, I've stopped caring as much...I'm just over it. I know I love him. I know that when we are good we are freaking amazing, but we just haven't been good for so long.. If we ever talk about it, it always comes down to my actions and how I've affected him.. "I'm just trying to help" is his go to phrase. I just need some clarity. Am I in the wrong? Is he? Is there even a right or wrong? My mind and my heart and heavy and confused.


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