# Leopards never change their spots



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Well.. its been a while since I posted on TAM. Recap on the pathetic history of my marriage:
Married 13 yrs, husband starts contacting ex's and other women via internet about 7 yrs ago. Starts sneaking around with an "old friend" but denies PA. He has mental breakdown and leaves our home. Begs to come back 10 wks later. I let him.

I find out a few mths later he's still secretly seeing the OW/women. I kick him out. Separated 8 mths before he tells me another mystery OW is *pregnant*. I knew nothing about this OW, we were supposedly working on our marriage the entire time. He never bothered to inform me he had starting seeing someone else. Now he denies we were working on our marriage during the time he was banging OW. OW btw is 14 yrs younger than me, and a friend of his daughters (from baby mama #1).

I file for Legal Separation to make it fast and get CS and alimony in place. He goes back and forth, begs me to take him back, then I find out he's going to docs appts with pregnant OW.

I washed my hands of him, then in Oct last year he moves closer to DS and I. Informs me OW is history. OW has baby, he claims he has no contact. Says he loves me, wants to be a family again, etc. You all know the speels, I'm sure.

HE asks me to go back to marriage counseling a few months ago. I agree. He is asked to take accountability for his choices. Gets very defensive and still being secretive. MC asked him to give me access to his phone and computer, he storms out. Says "its none of your business". End of MC! 

Recently he's been still telling me he wants to get back together, etc, wants to take me to dinner and spend time with me. Wanted me and DS to go on vacation with him, which I said no... due to my doubts. He has been talking about future plans with us, and wanting to move back in. I feared its only for financial reasons due to him having to pay me CS and alimony and the OW got a big chuck of $$ of him also. He doesn't have a lot to live on. He told me he has been paying OW's child support on credit cards and that will run out in a few mths.

Last week I find out he's been in regular contact with OW, goes to see the baby (he told me he didn't get any custody) and basically he has an entire secret life - yet again - that I am not privy to. 

I'm so disappointed, yet again. Feel so used and taken for a fool.

Before anyone tells me how stupid I am, I still cared for him and wanted to give him the final chance to make things right.

Its going to be painful for my DS to watch his dad's downfall, and it will be a bid downfall, but I have to walk away. And remind myself he's got to face the consequences for his choices.

How it sucks to be taken for a ride by someone you loved and were married to for so long.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

Good for you having the strength to walk away this time. People that have been close to you are almost always in a position to hurt you in some way. You didn't do anything wrong or stupid so don't beat yourself up.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

I hated reading this and I am so sorry that you are here. I don't have any advice, except to say that you deserve better. You gave him chances and he took advantage of it. Lean on people here to get through this, you will get great advice!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are right, some people never change. 

It might not seem like it now.. but things will get better for you without him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Broken - I am very sorry for what has happened to you.

This is one of the worst situations a woman can experience. 

This guy does not deserve you. At all. He is pathetic and can't even be honest after lying the 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th time.

Divorce his a$$, get whatever you can that is rightfully yours and be done with his LOSER A$$. 

He sounds like a total d!ckless d!ckwad who will never be able to keep it in his pants.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm sorry - I know that has to be rough. I'm glad you stuck to your guns. I think you can be proud that you gave him chances (like going to MC) but didn't give in to his requests. You waited to see if he could walk the walk. He let you down.

Now I think it's time for 180/NC. As much as possible. He should not even have an opportunity to whine about how difficult it is to pay support. How about not F*&^ another woman???? He could have avoided that. His problem, not yours. 

So I don't think you are stupid at all. I think you gave it a reasonable shot, tried your best, kept your eyes open and finally made your decision knowing you did everything you could first.


ETA - how was he going to pay for this family vacation, BTW? After all, he's so broke from paying child support he's using credit cards to pay for it. Azzhole


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

This is just awful. You are not stupid, you are a romantic who wanted to believe in love. He broke that part of your relationship, but you are far from stupid.
EnjoliWoman is right, it is time to 180/NC him. Communication should be only that necessary to discuss DS. If you don't, he will attempt to pull you back into his web, and you know-you know-he is going to lie to you again.
In the off chance you let him bring up getting together again, pull out the list of verifiability the MC suggested and remember he stormed out at the mere suggestions of being a trustworthy spouse.
Too bad for him that actions have consequences.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

When confronted with hard life choices people either spend their energy trying to rationalize their position or they take a good stab at trying to be a better person.
He is obviously doing the first.
He's cake eating and doesnt seem to know what he wants.

Everyone is right. 
You deserve better.
Go dark and keep on course for the D.
Im usually not an advocate for the D...but sometimes it's the best choice.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

EnjoliWoman said:


> ETA - how was he going to pay for this family vacation, BTW? After all, he's so broke from paying child support he's using credit cards to pay for it. Azzhole


Yeah, I'm sure OP would have gotten stuck paying for part (or all) of HIS vacation.

OP, kudos to you for sticking to your guns. Don't let him weasel his way back into your life. Your finances will become a mess as he begins to entangle his debt, child support, credit cards. People like him have a way of wrecking everything YOU have worked hard for. Then, no doubt, he will bail on you again and leave you to clean up his mess.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

BBT - Was thinking about you recently and wondering what happened. Sorry about your update. When reading at first I was a bit surprised you took him back, but as I thought about it more I totally understood why. 

You have to live life on your terms and I'm glad you are doing so and asserting yourself. Learn the lesson, move on, and keep growing. Sending you positive energy and blessings!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I know the feeling OP. It's is very disappointing to have the realization that the person you loved and married aren't the people you assumed and hoped they were. Many of us share your tragic story. Just know that you can get through this and find a better life. One step at a time


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> I know the feeling OP. It's is very disappointing to have the realization that the person you loved and married aren't the people you assumed and hoped they were. Many of us share your tragic story. Just know that you can get through this and find a better life. One step at a time


Yes.

BBT, you are doing the right thing by walking away. You need to model the behavior you want your son to see. Be strong and have pride in yourself and what you choose to do.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

brokenbythis said:


> He has mental breakdown and leaves our home. Begs to come back 10 wks later. I let him.
> 
> 
> Recently he's been still telling me he wants to get back together, etc, wants to take me to dinner and spend time with me.
> ...


So he has led a double life. It may be quite likely that he's telling the OW that he's left you for her. Are they still together? 

He's probably a very charming man who feels confident to get whatever / whoever he wants and you would keep taking him back no matter what. That's because he knows you love him. That's how it sounds like. 

With all the lies and deception/secrecy in him, I agree, sometimes, only D can deal with the problem. Protect yourself and your son from a financial ruin. It is a very sad story.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

bravenewworld said:


> BBT - Was thinking about you recently and wondering what happened. Sorry about your update. When reading at first I was a bit surprised you took him back, but as I thought about it more I totally understood why.
> 
> You have to live life on your terms and I'm glad you are doing so and asserting yourself. Learn the lesson, move on, and keep growing. Sending you positive energy and blessings!


Oh I never took him back, I only agreed to go to counseling to see if he could explain himself and show some maturity and integrity. I put myself in the mindset that I'd have an open mind and listen and see what he has to say. I thought gee maybe he really has changed.

As I suspected, that is not the case. He is a sick, messed up man and I am now happily continuing on my own journey and yes my life is much better not being in a relationship with him.

Being in a relationship with him bought with it everything I never wanted in my life. Sick dysfunctional people, financial ruin, irresponsibility, immaturity and a string of children born out of flings with crazy skanks. I feel bad for the kids. I want a normal healthy individual who can manage his money and make mature decisions. Most important I want someone who has strong boundaries and can say NO and not be manipulated and riddled with guilt because his parents messed him up so badly. Quite sad really.

I only have one regret: If I had know about his family background and their history of mental illness and severe dysfunction, I would not have married him. Truth is I didn't really know him very well before I tied the knot.


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

happy as a clam said:


> Yeah, I'm sure OP would have gotten stuck paying for part (or all) of HIS vacation.
> 
> OP, kudos to you for sticking to your guns. Don't let him weasel his way back into your life. Your finances will become a mess as he begins to entangle his debt, child support, credit cards. People like him have a way of wrecking everything YOU have worked hard for. Then, no doubt, he will bail on you again and leave you to clean up his mess.


Establish yourself as a single woman. Call every card company you have a cc with. Speak to a supervisor. If they are joint accts, close them. If they say it can't be closed until the card is paid off, request to have the spending limit lowered to the amt. owed on the card.
Then check the laws in your state for mortgage, CC usage. The more he charges, the more debt you (could possibly) be in. His name needs to be off anything you're wanting to keep.
If he gets in trouble for taxes, you call the IRS, explaining how long you've been apart. They may or may not want a copy of the paperwork. They will forgive YOU of the debt and your husband will have to shoulder the weight.

As another poster said, we've all been where you are now, and hopefully giving you some sound advice.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

KittyKat said:


> Establish yourself as a single woman. Call every card company you have a cc with. Speak to a supervisor. If they are joint accts, close them. If they say it can't be closed until the card is paid off, request to have the spending limit lowered to the amt. owed on the card.
> Then check the laws in your state for mortgage, CC usage. The more he charges, the more debt you (could possibly) be in. His name needs to be off anything you're wanting to keep.
> If he gets in trouble for taxes, you call the IRS, explaining how long you've been apart. They may or may not want a copy of the paperwork. They will forgive YOU of the debt and your husband will have to shoulder the weight.
> 
> As another poster said, we've all been where you are now, and hopefully giving you some sound advice.


I don't have to worry about what financial hole he digs himself into nowadays. Our legal separation was final last year, I haven't had a single thing in joint names with him since then.

In fact, I am doing fine financially!

He called me today and asked if I would lower child support and alimony because he doesn't have enough money to live on. I told him only if there has been a change in circumstances. I also asked him is he going to petition the OW to lower his child support to her? Why should me and our (special needs) child suffer because of his bad decisions? Answer is: we shouldn't. I'm not responsible for him having so many financial responsibilities. I told him to grow up and he'd better get a grip and deal with his choices. It's not my job to save him from himself. 

He still owes me a small fortune in other marital assets that were split, I have no idea if and when he will pay me out on them. I'm going to suggest he trade off his share of one of our smaller pension funds in return for what he owes me.

I mean - really: You cheat on your wife for years, treat her like dirt and dump her and run off with some skank and have unprotected sex, and publicize it all over social media. And now he's broke but I'm supposed to "help him out"?

Yep... divorce and getting women pregnant will take just about everything you have. I don't hate him at all, in fact I'm indifferent to him now, but people have to deal with their choices in life.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

brokenbythis said:


> He called me today and asked if I would lower child support and alimony because he doesn't have enough money to live on. I told him only if there has been a change in circumstances. I also asked him is he going to petition the OW to lower his child support to her? Why should me and our (special needs) child suffer because of his bad decisions? Answer is: we shouldn't. I'm not responsible for him having so many financial responsibilities. I told him to grow up and he'd better get a grip and deal with his choices. It's not my job to save him from himself.
> 
> He still owes me a small fortune in other marital assets that were split, I have no idea if and when he will pay me out on them. I'm going to suggest he trade off his share of one of our smaller pension funds in return for what he owes me.
> 
> ...


Sometimes I look at the actions of my fellow men and just go "WTF are you thinking?" 
Then a woman turns around and does the same thing...proving me wrong that its just reserved for men.

I often wonder if there isnt a tiny switch for crazy that randomly turns on sometime after 35 in about half the population..


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