# When you reach the end of trying it is time to move on.



## SHARKY (Nov 30, 2010)

I have posted before about my situation. Been married for nine years and have a eight year old daughter. My wife checked out of this marriage several month ago. I have done all I could do to get feedback from her as to why and what with no straight answers. We had a great relationship, always happy and doing things together. We shared duties around the house and I was always very supportive in everything she did. We never had any issues, fighting, confrentations, we loved each other a lot.

However, one day I noticed that she was a little diffrent and distant and I noticed that she was not acting herself. The next day I asked her if she was having a bad day and her reply was no. She then started saying that she was going out with some girls from work to have some drinks and I said ok, just becareful driving home. That lead to multiple times during the week awithout any consideration to me and our daughter. Then she started going out on the weekends as well.

That is when I started to get really uptight and started telling her that this has to stop right now out of respect for me and the child we have. She said that she was not doing anything wrong and that she was just having drinks with girls. I followed by saying that I did not agree with the way she has done it and the reason behind it. I told her that I did not have a problem with the happy hours but the late nights were not aceeptable to me. She got defensive and said that I was not her dad and this is not the 50`s when women were not allowd to do crap.

I then said, youre right this is not the 50`s, however, this is our marriage home and you need to respect me and our child. If you want to be be single again then move on and tell me the truth. She ignored that tell this day. Time as passed and she has totally disconnected and seems to be happy with our current situation at home. I set my boundaries and she just does not show any remorse for me, I have done my best to try to see what I could do to save this marriage but she is totally checked out in a fog. She avoids any confrentation when I say to her what are your plans and what are you planning to do.

I told her that I was going to file for divorce and and have shared 50/50 custody of our daughter. She tlod me that we needed to figure out many things first. I told her we need to move forward so you can be happy on your own without having me around. If you want to be single again then we have legally get divorced. She staired at me and did not say a word, I told her you are not going to have your cake and eat it as well. It has been four days since this conversation and it looks as if she is thinking a lot. I am really hurt and confused right now, she refuses to see a marriage counselor together because she says that they can`t do nothing for us. 

PS: What do I do at this point, I am ready to file I can not take this anymore.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you done whatever checking you can to see if she's having an affair? Cell phone records, etc? There's steps you can try if she is having an affair (and based on your description, that seems very possible). Check out the "Coping with Infidelity" forum for suggestions.

C


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## SHARKY (Nov 30, 2010)

PBear said:


> Have you done whatever checking you can to see if she's having an affair? Cell phone records, etc? There's steps you can try if she is having an affair (and based on your description, that seems very possible). Check out the "Coping with Infidelity" forum for suggestions.
> 
> C


I have a company phone and she has her own phone. So it is impossible for me to do that. I have been reading in "Coping with Infidelity" section and all the other sections many times over. I just dont know what else to do at this point, my life is shattered and I need to get myself back in track.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I don't know why she became like this suddenly! 

But you have to be strict with your boundaries. 

A married woman goes out so often is very inappropriate and weird. 

She can't just ignore your feeling as a husband and her responsibility as a mother. She can't just fool around! 

If she doesn't respect you as a husband ans she doesn't want to work out your relationship together anymore, there is no other solution but file for divorce. Living with a person whose heart is not there for you is miserable. You'd better cut your misery sooner rather than later!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

SHARKY said:


> I have a company phone and she has her own phone. So it is impossible for me to do that. I have been reading in "Coping with Infidelity" section and all the other sections many times over. I just dont know what else to do at this point, my life is shattered and I need to get myself back in track.


Have you confronted her on whether she's having an affair or not? You could start implementing some of the things posted in the Infidelity section. If nothing else, drawing your line in the sand about what's acceptable and what's not, and then standing by it. 

You could also suggest a separation rather than a divorce if you want to try to work things out. Let her get a taste of what single life truly is. What she'd be missing out on if she was on her own.

C


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## SHARKY (Nov 30, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> I don't know why she became like this suddenly!
> 
> But you have to be strict with your boundaries.
> 
> ...


I know it is hard to live with a person who has checked out. I have for the past five month, it has taken a toll in me. However, I do not want to leave my home, I was not the one to check out. I never gave her a reason to check out either. Our sex life was great, we enjoyed our company and had a great together. She never had to tell me about any chores because I did more than my share and would teach my daughter how to help as well. I made it esy for her and she is accountable for what has happened. It is very hard to cope with what is happening we are still sleeping in the same bed together. How do I protect my feelings being in the house and what is the best way to handle this after all she is the one with the issues. I have seen a therapist on my own and it has helped me out a little.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

SHARKY said:


> I know it is hard to live with a person who has checked out. I have for the past five month, it has taken a toll in me. However, I do not want to leave my home, I was not the one to check out. I never gave her a reason to check out either. Our sex life was great, we enjoyed our company and had a great together. She never had to tell me about any chores because I did more than my share and would teach my daughter how to help as well. I made it esy for her and she is accountable for what has happened. It is very hard to cope with what is happening we are still sleeping in the same bed together. How do I protect my feelings being in the house and what is the best way to handle this after all she is the one with the issues. I have seen a therapist on my own and it has helped me out a little.


My guess is that she is probably having an affair. 

Some people make mistakes because they are curious and they have no self control. They want to taste the forbidden fruit! They will only know the bitterness after they taste it. 

Just ask her clearly if that is what she wants, check out or work out. If she wants to check out, you don't need to sweat over her anymore. Just view it a failed relationship, no matter how sweet and wonderful it had been. It is spoiled and bitter now, no need to keep a rotten fruit like this. 

File, give yourself another chance and you will find happiness and laughter somewhere else!


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## SHARKY (Nov 30, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> My guess is that she is probably having an affair.
> 
> Some people make mistakes because they are curious and they have no self control. They want to taste the forbidden fruit! They will only know the bitterness after they taste it.
> 
> ...


I asked her straight out this weekend about her having an affair, and her reply was no. She said that she was not doing anything wrong, just social drinking with her friends. I told her that her selfishness has caused a great deal of grief and concern to me and our daughter. I also told her that she has done this in the wrong way. Her reply what wrong way, my reply was the way that you should give me a reason to why you are acting the way you are and why the poor decision making. 

I also said that I deserve an explanation. She did not reply and said nothing but I`m sorry for handling the way I did. I asked her to move out since she is the one checking out and her reply was that she works and pays her share and has no reason to leave. I told her that she has not respected the marriage home and that I was not the one to get my bags ready. It ids very hard living in a home that has no harmony and love and affection.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Of course she said she's not having an affair! You've read the posts in the Infidelity forum, didn't you? What percentage of spouses fessed up to having an affair BEFORE their spouses provided proof? Especially if they didn't want the affair to be over.

I'm not saying that she's having an affair, but seriously... Take a long hard look, and don't trust her word for anything.

C


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## SHARKY (Nov 30, 2010)

PBear said:


> Of course she said she's not having an affair! You've read the posts in the Infidelity forum, didn't you? What percentage of spouses fessed up to having an affair BEFORE their spouses provided proof? Especially if they didn't want the affair to be over.
> 
> I'm not saying that she's having an affair, but seriously... Take a long hard look, and don't trust her word for anything.
> 
> C


I hear you, however, if she was having an affair it would be almost every other day and leaving the house at any given time. She has not done this, their were times when she left with her monthly period.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

SHARKY said:


> I hear you, however, if she was having an affair it would be almost every other day and leaving the house at any given time. She has not done this, their were times when she left with her monthly period.


Unfortunately, none of that disproves an affair.

I'm sorry you're going through this. And your young daughter as well.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

SHARKY said:


> I hear you, however, if she was having an affair it would be almost every other day and leaving the house at any given time. She has not done this, their were times when she left with her monthly period.


Speaking from experience... If she's emotionally involved with someone as well as physically, her having a period isn't reason to not get together. Getting together to just hang out is always an option, and likely just as damaging (or even more so) than them getting together to have sex.

Again, I'm not saying that she's cheating. But there's NOTHING that says she's not (that you've said), and it's much more suspicious than innocent.

C


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

My wife has also checked out and is disrespecting me, my kids, and our marriage in much the same way. I also asked her to leave but she has not left as yet. 

Its very hard living in the same house with someone who ignores you like you dont exist. Things are quiet now but the tension is there. I expect things to get worse with time.

When you lose your spouse you go throught the same grieving stages as when someone dies. One of those stages is anger, so expect it and do not allow yourself to be the victim of this emotion. DO NOT do anything that you will regret later. NO violence. The last thing you want is to end up in jail and lose your daughter. 

Its best for her to leave if she has no intention of working on fixing the problem.


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## SHARKY (Nov 30, 2010)

troy said:


> My wife has also checked out and is disrespecting me, my kids, and our marriage in much the same way. I also asked her to leave but she has not left as yet.
> 
> Its very hard living in the same house with someone who ignores you like you dont exist. Things are quiet now but the tension is there. I expect things to get worse with time.
> 
> ...


I`m sorry that you are going through the same thing, it is tough living under the same roof. I will not do anything stupid, however, I will not allow her to continue either. How can I get her to leave?


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

Sharky I'm just throwing this out there but is there any way you can sleep somewhere else in the home? 

It sounds to me like she had a "the grass is greener" phase a few months ago but now it has cooled and she can't bring herself to move out.

Seperate beds and the 180 approach might snap her out of it so you can move on to whatever's next. At least a symbolic seperation might make you feel better and make it easier to stay 180.

Good luck man.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Yes, she certainly does want to have her cake and to eat it too. Thus far, you are allowing this to happen. I have been personally exposed to the non-speak, blank stare, no reply nonsense in my marriage. It's tremendously passive-aggressive and it leaves you with absolutely no closure or expectations as to where her head is at. She's adept at keeping you tied up in knots, while she's out drinking with her gf's.

Suppose she is not having an affair. The fact still remains she doesn't seem to care that she isn't spending quality time with her own child. So much for maternal instincts ...

I'm throwing this out there for speculation: do you think she has a drinking problem? Going out several nights a week and staying out late could signify she is enjoying the booze far more than a normal drinker would. Who hangs out in bars on a regular basis? And I don't mean getting together with co-workers once a week after work to blow off some steam or going out occasionally with friends to have a few. People who start building their social lives around being regulars in bars tend to be alkies. I've lived through that with my exH who was a drunk. 

It also sounds like there is the distinct liklihood of an affair. Start checking her texts, documenting her absences, etc. And go see a good family law attorney to find out where you stand.


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## SHARKY (Nov 30, 2010)

Prodigal said:


> Yes, she certainly does want to have her cake and to eat it too. Thus far, you are allowing this to happen. I have been personally exposed to the non-speak, blank stare, no reply nonsense in my marriage. It's tremendously passive-aggressive and it leaves you with absolutely no closure or expectations as to where her head is at. She's adept at keeping you tied up in knots, while she's out drinking with her gf's.
> 
> Suppose she is not having an affair. The fact still remains she doesn't seem to care that she isn't spending quality time with her own child. So much for maternal instincts ...
> 
> ...


She likes to drink and cant handle much either, she even started making drinks at the house. I cant check her phone because she has a company phone. The times that she has been out and I have left my daughter at my moms, when she calls my mom, she says she hears girls around her. All I know is that when and if she decides to go out again, what do I say to get her to move out. I want to bring a stop to this some how and I want her to leave and find herself a place to live outside our home. I am 6`1 and weigh 195 lbs very athelitic built and feel like if I was 5`0 tall right now.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

That's a tough one, especially with your child. Otherwise I'd say just find your own place. Can you find a place for you and your daughter? Unfortunately, even if your wife is having an affair, she would have just as much right to the family house as you, at least up here in Canada. But if you're truly splitting up anyway, then you'll have to start making preparations for separate households anyway.

Where you're at, can you file for divorce immediately, or do you need to have a separation period first? If you can file immediately, then I guess that's what you might need to do. That's where talking to a lawyer would come in, to find out what your rights and obligations are. Have you done that? 

And yet again, just because there's the sound of female voices sometimes, that doesn't mean she's not having an affair. Not all affairs are man/woman. Not all affairs are in the privacy of hotel rooms. If she is having an affair, it doesn't mean she's seeing her partner EVERY time she's out, for the entire night. 

You could have a friend (preferably one that she doesn't know/recognize) follow her a few nights when she goes out... Or put a GPS tracking device in her car. The Garmin GTU is $200, and very small... It won't tell you what she's doing when she gets to her destinations, though.

C


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I guess part of it depends on "Do you care if she's having an affair or do you just want out?" If you just want out, then talk to a lawyer already, and get advice on how to start splitting up. I don't think anyone would blame you for that. You can only try to fix things if they other person is also willing to fix it. And if she's not willing to separate on a trial basis, then you don't have many options left that I can see. I doubt if you can kick her out unless you can justify a restraining order against her, and staring blankly at you isn't likely to cut it. 

If you want to see if she's having an affair so you can try to bust it up and get her back, then dig into that. Either way, start taking action rather than letting her walk over you. Good luck, no matter what you decide. 

C


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

SHARKY said:


> I hear you, however, if she was having an affair it would be almost every other day and leaving the house at any given time. She has not done this, their were times when she left with her monthly period.


That's how my affair started. Going out drinking with friends to bars/clubs just for fun. Met the OW and it was only talking about life and crap at 1st. Then became something more eventually.

When it 1st became a PA affair we didn't do it every other day. It was once a week when I could get out with a good excuse. As to her going out during her monthly visitor, she's still got a mouth. Doesn't have to be sex, making out or a BJ is still cheating.

I'm not saying she's cheating but the signs are smacking you in the face.


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## SHARKY (Nov 30, 2010)

My gut feeling has been an affair with another woman. I am seeing an attorney next week to get myself educated legally.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

I have to agree she is having an affair. I would have someone follow her. I didn't think my H would have one and like you he had a company phone and I was not able to check his records. I knew who she was and I just hacked her account and had all the proof I need.


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## everclear (Mar 23, 2011)

If I went to Vegas, I would put my money on an affair. That being said, an affair and the subsequent fallout can be an opportunity to grow , but it takes a lot of strength and patience. I have been on both sides of the affair and neither is pleasant. As someone involved in an affair, the guilt I felt was overwhelming. I felt like a lost sheep, with no chance of going home. That feeling can manifest itself in many ways, including the indifference you seem to refer to. It also can lead to drinking and other escapist behaviors. On the other side of the coin, as the "victim" you can let your ego get the best of you, and see this as something that is happening to you. The whole thing sucks, but your daughter is the number one priority, and you need to place her short and long-term needs first, followed by your needs.


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## SHARKY (Nov 30, 2010)

For the past two days she has been trying to get close to me some how. She is trying to make conversation and is looking at me straight into my eyes. I am taking it slow to protect myself to not fall into a trap. She seems to be feeling guilty about something and does not know how approach me. I guess the conversation I had with her telling her that the end is near is really sinking in.


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

SHARKY said:


> For the past two days she has been trying to get close to me some how. She is trying to make conversation and is looking at me straight into my eyes. I am taking it slow to protect myself to not fall into a trap. She seems to be feeling guilty about something and does not know how approach me. I guess the conversation I had with her telling her that the end is near is really sinking in.


Sharky set your boundaries and stick to them. It is hard going through a roller coaster ride. Watch you back and pay attention when she speaks to you. Act kind but firm and let her know that you are in control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SHARKY (Nov 30, 2010)

Wife and I sleep in the same bed, for the past two mornings she has put her feet close to my leg, just a touch. I did not move my leg to see what she was trying to do. I guess she is doing this to see if I move away, I left my leg there and she did not move her foot. What should I do and what is she thinking by doing this.


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

SHARKY said:


> Wife and I sleep in the same bed, for the past two mornings she has put her feet close to my leg, just a touch. I did not move my leg to see what she was trying to do. I guess she is doing this to see if I move away, I left my leg there and she did not move her foot. What should I do and what is she thinking by doing this.


It's obvious that she wants to get a reaction. I'm sure she has a guilt trip and the only way she can override her guilt is by using her sexuality with you. That will be up to you to accept it or reject it. That is what I see, I'm sure others have an opinion too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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