# Chronic Gambler and Porn Viewer Husband



## Hopeless Wife

I have been married to my husband for 7 years we have 3 kids. My husband is a chronic gambler of the last 6 years and it has consumed all of our finances, his jobs and our marriage is hanging by a threat. I call him and he doesn't answer and that drives me insane, which only confirms he must be in a Casino ( i hate them with all my guts) Recently i discovered he has been watching porn too which i believe is very hurtful and i feel like he's cheating on me emotionally. My marriage is in the rocks due to the gambling and porn. I can't see myself without him, and i think his problems are affecting me emotionally. I am 100% sure he is in love with me, but i am starting to believe love is not enough here. I would love to get divorces but i have 3 kids with him, i don't see my self with any other man nor i see any other man that will be willing to want a serious relationship with me. 
Anyone has any advice on my problem, i would greatly appreciate it.


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## Blondilocks

Not only are his activities affecting you, they are affecting your children. Is it possible to get his family on board with an intervention for your husband? Action needs to be taken before your family is completely devastated.

Chances are he doesn't think he has a problem with gambling or porn. You have to assure him he does - namely YOU.


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## Mr.Fisty

Here is a common issue. 

First, work on you and get a separation or separate finances. Open your own account and protect yourself.

Second, seek help on your esteem issues. Challenge your world view, and you will grow mentally as a person. Ask your self what you want in a marriage and what you seek in a mate. Qualities that turn you on, and as well as what you need emotionally. 
Finding this out, you will probably realize that this is not what you want. 

Third, self improvement. Make a goal to be an independent person, and figure out how to achieve that. Example, go back to school, find a better job, work out, create a new social network that is yours. Realize that it is not your job to fix anyone. Once you improve, your husband may folow your lead, due to the fear of losing you. 

Lastly, courage. If no improvement is made on his part, leave him. You control you and only you. Everyone is responsible for their own issues. You can support, but never fix it. That can only be done by the person wanting and willing themselves to change. 

Studies show that people don't change their behavior unless catastrophic events happen. You leaving him m, may be that trigger. Get a separation and watch from a detach distance if he changes. Also , this is something you have to maintain. If you do divorce, realize that there is no relationship that you have lost. 

Relationship should be reciprocal where each other needs, physical and emotional are met. So, you have nothing to lose.


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## Flying_Dutchman

Just on a superficial level, there's a commonality between gambling and porn - small investment for the potential of a big payoff. Also, instant gratification.

If he already knows you don't like the porn, his watching it is a high-risk behaviour, like the gambling.

Does he demonstrate these traits in other aspects of his life? Getting frustrated when he doesn't get rapid promotion at work. Has 'goals', but can't plan or climb the mid-way steps to achieve them?

Does he (periodically) provoke you in other ways to make you angry?

High-risk behaviours in a family setting could indicate self-loathing and a sense of worthlessness. Loss of money and invoking your wrath/scorn confirm to him that he's really as worthless as he believes. Also, if he is a 'bad planner', he can't see/follow other than high-risk strategies to change anything.

Not enough info to be sure.

Whatever his motivations, his behaviour is fundamentally opposed to your needs as a female, wife, mother and homemaker.

The more info you give the better we can figure him out BUT, even if my guess is off the mark, he clearly has some deep-seated issue(s) that will be near impossible for you to fix - especially if provoking you or risking your disappointment are feeding a need that he has.

Understanding him will help you a bit but is woefully short of a solution.

It's hard to see a happy end to this that doesn't involve him getting psychological help. You can only work on you. If he won't get help, work on your confidence and making plans to leave.

You can suggest therapy to him, but don't be surprised if he agrees to it but doesn't follow through. That'd fit the pattern of risking your ire and disappointment to feed his sense of worthlessness or whatever it is.

Does he have one (or both) high achiever parent(s)?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Flying_Dutchman

Oh,,,

Your marriage is not on the rocks due to gambling and porn. It is on the rocks due to your husband's fascination/addiction to them.

Don't blame the messenger. They're fulfilling some need that he has. If they didn't exist he'd latch onto something else,,, like free climbing or or motorcycle racing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty

Mr.Fisty said:


> Here is a common issue.
> 
> First, work on you and get a separation or separate finances. Open your own account and protect yourself.
> 
> Second, seek help on your esteem issues. Challenge your world view, and you will grow mentally as a person. Ask your self what you want in a marriage and what you seek in a mate. Qualities that turn you on, and as well as what you need emotionally.
> Finding this out, you will probably realize that this is not what you want.
> 
> Third, self improvement. Make a goal to be an independent person, and figure out how to achieve that. Example, go back to school, find a better job, work out, create a new social network that is yours. Realize that it is not your job to fix anyone. Once you improve, your husband may folow your lead, due to the fear of losing you.
> 
> Lastly, courage. If no improvement is made on his part, leave him. You control you and only you. Everyone is responsible for their own issues. You can support, but never fix it. That can only be done by the person wanting and willing themselves to change.
> 
> Studies show that people don't change their behavior unless catastrophic events happen. You leaving him m, may be that trigger. Get a separation and watch from a detach distance if he changes. Also , this is something you have to maintain. If you do divorce, realize that there is no relationship that you have lost.
> 
> Relationship should be reciprocal where each other needs, physical and emotional are met. So, you have nothing to lose.


He may also be a dopamine junkie. Who knows. What is best for her is to protect herself first. 

Hopefully she can take control of her life. I do think you have a lot of valid points. Sounds like he is seeking that high. 

Many viewpoints may bring clarity.


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## Mr B

Both heavy porn use and gambling stimulate the production of dopamine in the brain. Some people are born with lower than normal levels of these various brain chemicals and they spend their whole lives trying to self medicate in order to feel better/normal. 

If he could go see a doctor, preferably a specialist like a psychiatrist, someone who can write prescriptions, there are some really good medications that slowly increases the dopamine available to the brain and this will slow or stop the need for other dopamine raising activities.


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