# New and need help!



## Life1978 (Dec 4, 2017)

This is going to be long not sure where to start? We've been married 8 years together for 15. We have a 12 year old 6 and 4 year old. we've been going to marriage counseling for a month or two now. She also goes to therapy on her own for depression and anxiety. At the beginning of the year I found she was talking to a male coworker behind my back and lying about it. Of course just friends excuse. She agreed that it was wrong and would stop. That didn't last to long. She told me they spoke here and there again. She also did this about 4 years ago with another guy she knew. The first year we were together she was unfaithful more than once. I did forgive and kind of forgot. I just chalked it up to her being only 20. Obviously I have trust issues. There has been very small improvements from therapy but change takes time. She has not tried very hard to do the things the theripist has recommended. Therapy or divorce was her ultimatum because she was not happy and couldn't get over how I treated our son who has tourrett syndrome and with that comes add and oppositional defiance disorder. He has things under control now and things are good but in the beginning it was tough. I was unexcepting and unsure hurt and confused. I have told her and him that I handled things wrong and I was a poor parent for it. Of course every situation she handled poorly was always justified. I receive so many mixed signals from her it's hard. Monday she wants to sell our home and buy a new one then on Wednesday I'm a piece of **** and wants a divorce. She handles life stress harder than an average person since I'm the one who works nights and has one weekend off a month. I help out around the house and stay involved with our kids. I'm always trying to keep the romance as well. Through all the fights and issues of 15 years our sex life has always been good until now. Sunday's is usually the day we have a chance for sex. This Sunday she went in the room and layed down a while. I went in and she was half awake half asleep. She was saying her back hurt and I gave her a massage for a bit. I rolled her over and slid her pants down a little and she helped the rest of the way. I went inside her and she just layed there so I stopped. She asked why I stopped did I finish? I said no and started again. She just layed there so I stopped again. I got up and she said what wrong. I said your just laying there. She blew up about how she's half asleep and is she just suppose to be wide awake and so on. I got dressed and she went in the living room. A bit later I kissed her goodbye and love you and have a good night at work. The next morning I came home from work we chatted a bit she took kids to school and went to gym. I was doing yard work when she got home we chatted a bit and she went in to shower. I finished up yard. I noticed after shower she was being a little off. I asked what's up and she blew up! You know what's up! You crossed the line! You put your **** in me while I was sleeping! That's rape!!! What?? My mind was blown! I told her how were you sleeping talking to me and helping me take your pants off? Your just trying to create an issue. She dissagre. Later she left for work with the usual kiss bye and love you. Came home and acted fine. Next day we did some shopping had lunch. We even held hands a bit. Yet she's saying I crossed the line and raped her. Last night I asked could we please have sex. She said no. Not until we talk to the theripist. She says she's uncomfortable for me to even see her naked. What gives??!!! I'm going crazy??!!! Please help??!! Any advice??!!!


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## heatherwilson (Dec 5, 2017)

wow i dont know what to say about this situation you are passing through
it is SO NOT RAPE i dont understand why your WIFE will accuse you of RAPE
Try to talk to her in an understanding manner.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

life, something is off, are you sure she is not continually talking to the other guy, this is not adding up, she is blame shifting you.....you need to serious investigate...and i have tell you you seriously messed up when you caught her cheating in your marriage and you did not confront it because now you are paying the price for it


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Women almost never say they don't want their husband to see them naked unless they're 'in love' with another man.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

She is cheating.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Wow. She’s scary! Rape is not a term you throw around. You’ve got problems with hair on them.


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## Life1978 (Dec 4, 2017)

Update: tried to talk about it some more. Ended like it always does. Her blowing up and getting pissed. Try to calm her down and just makes it worse.


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## Life1978 (Dec 4, 2017)

I honestly don't think she is cheating. I've done enough investigating and her time frame dosent show. Shes at work when she says or at home or with the kids.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

OP she’s cheating OK she’s up to no good. she’s has lost all respect for you. Your wife is trying gaslight you and is claiming false allegations of rape. Wow sound the alarms &#55357;&#57000; she’s definitely trying to get you out of her life so new man come in and replace you. You need to have a VAR on you at all times.! The next thing she’ll false domestic violence have you locked up. She is now your enemy. You need to be ready for whatever she throws at you, It might even be a good idea to seek out an attorney...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

One, she IS cheating. Two, it's not your job to try to make the peace when she gets mad. That's a Nice Guy and women DESPISE Nice Guys.

Get this book and read it asap: No More Mr Nice Guy.


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## Life1978 (Dec 4, 2017)

Just downloaded the book and already started reading it. Thanks!


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

She's a serial cheater who clearly doesn't like you, much less love you. She is likely cheating again and you know it. She's just gotten better at hiding it with practice. Now she accuses you of rape? Yeah, man, you might want to think about filing for a divorce. You'd get the chance to date someone actually into you and avoid being accused of rape and possibly arrested if she decides to try the police route.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

She is getting this attitude from someplace, probably her male friend. I wish you would use paragraph as I got lost. Do you have children together, if not you have a lot of options. I. Have been married twice and as chitty as my first marriage was “at time” I never experienced anything as nasty as what you described. It sounds like she wanted you to make a deposit so she could call the police and have you charged. ...... Be careful she or her friend are wacko


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Life1978 (Dec 4, 2017)

Yes we have 3 children. Sorry about no paragraphs.


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## Life1978 (Dec 4, 2017)

UPDATE: Went to marriage counseling today. Talked about a lot of things including what she accused me of. She said she views me as just always wanting sex and right now she's repulsed by the thought. She mentioned a separation. 
She talked about how she feels like I'm her dad and has to abide buy the rules like where she's been and who's she talking to and she can't go out for drinks unless I'm there.
The theripist suggested that for now sex should be off the table and we need to find other ways to connect. She also said we need to connect with friends and family more.
Stating more of a roommate type situation.
I feel like this is letting my wife have her cake and eat it too.
She told me she wants to continue therapy and work on the marriage and knows this isn't ideal for me. 
She left to pick up our youngest from preschool and Said she'd see me when I wake up. Not even I love you!? 
I feel she might think this is the green light that it's ok to talk to the guy that she was talking to behind my back.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Life1978 said:


> UPDATE: Went to marriage counseling today. Talked about a lot of things including what she accused me of. She said she views me as just always wanting sex and right now she's repulsed by the thought. She mentioned a separation.
> She talked about how she feels like I'm her dad and has to abide buy the rules like where she's been and who's she talking to and she can't go out for drinks unless I'm there.
> The theripist suggested that for now sex should be off the table and we need to find other ways to connect. She also said we need to connect with friends and family more.
> Stating more of a roommate type situation.
> ...


You can bet on it


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Paging @Uptown


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## Life1978 (Dec 4, 2017)

Could you elaborate on why?


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Life1978 said:


> UPDATE: Went to marriage counseling today. Talked about a lot of things including what she accused me of. She said she views me as just always wanting sex and right now she's repulsed by the thought. She mentioned a separation.
> She talked about how she feels like I'm her dad and has to abide buy the rules like where she's been and who's she talking to and she can't go out for drinks unless I'm there.
> The theripist suggested that for now sex should be off the table and we need to find other ways to connect. She also said we need to connect with friends and family more.
> Stating more of a roommate type situation.
> ...


Green light? She's not waiting for your permission!

She's ALREADY CHEATING Dude.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

OP,
A couple of things. First and foremost, if my wife ever accused me of rape, I will immediately remove all of my possessions from the residence and carry a VAR on my person at all times. I would be scratching, clawing, and digging my way as far away from the situation as possible. There is no coming back from an accusation of rape.

Second, your marriage counselor sounds like they suck. Not just a little, but a lot. Are they fully aware of the fact that she is chatting up another man while making false rape accusations against you? If not, why not?

There's no way in hell I would be within the same building as this woman. And you got it right, it's cake eating. Divorce her ass, as she is cheating. You screwed the pooch the first time you didn't hold her accountable.


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## Life1978 (Dec 4, 2017)

Yes she is aware. We spoke about it today. Also I brought up the cheating early on in our relationship and the guy she was talking to behind my back in the first session. Her response was to my wife if you want your marriage to work you absolutely cannot be going outside of it.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Life1978 said:


> Yes she is aware. We spoke about it today. Also I brought up the cheating early on in our relationship and the guy she was talking to behind my back in the first session. Her response was to my wife if you want your marriage to work you absolutely cannot be going outside of it.


Ok, my stance has changed. It no longer sounds like your counselor sucks. They in FACT DO SUCK!

My advise is to fire both your counselor and your "wife". Take your wife at her actions. She no longer wants to be married by the way she acts. 

Mark my words, the counselor saying this 

"The theripist suggested that for now sex should be off the table and we need to find other ways to connect. She also said we need to connect with friends and family more."

That was the green flag drop for the "Infidelity 500".

Time for you to find a new driver.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

@*ButtPunch*, thanks for the call-out! 



Life1978 said:


> I receive so many mixed signals from her it's hard. Monday she wants to sell our home and buy a new one then on Wednesday I'm a piece of **** and wants a divorce.


Life, has this moody behavior been going on throughout your 15 year relationship? Or is it a very recent development? I ask because, when emotional instability lasts for only a year or two, the two most common causes are a strong hormone change and drug abuse. However, you apparently are not talking about a _temporary_ instability but, rather, a persistent _lifetime_ instability that seems indicated by her serial cheating 14 years ago, 4 years ago, and perhaps in the past year as well. 

The two most common causes of lifetime instability are BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and bipolar disorder. I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my description of *12 Bipolar/BPD Differences* to see if the bipolar or BPD warning signs sound very familiar. If the BPD symptoms seem stronger, please take a look at my list of *18 BPD Warning Signs*. I caution that exhibiting strong symptoms of one disorder does not rule out her also exhibiting strong traits of the other disorder. According to a 2008 study, about half of the individuals exhibiting full-blown bipolar behavior in the past year also have full-blown BPD as well.

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your W's issues. Although strong bipolar or BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown bipolar or BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for bipolar and BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her. It also may help you see the importance of obtaining a professional opinion.

Granted, this distinction between bipolar and BPD symptoms would not be important if you could completely rid yourself of these problems by divorcing her. Yet, because you have three young children that would have to be raised together in shared custody, it is important that you find out what you and your children have been dealing with -- and will be dealing with.

I therefore suggest that you see YOUR OWN psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion (not a formal diagnosis) of what you and the kids are facing. For anyone married to an abusive, unstable, angry wife -- as you seem to be -- relying on HER therapist to give you a candid assessment likely would be a disastrous course of action. 

I say this because your W's therapist is _NOT YOUR FRIEND._ Like an attorney, he is ethically bound to protect his sick client -- even if you occasionally attend the sessions together with your W and pay for all her therapy sessions. Hence, relying on her _therapist's_ advice during the marriage would be as foolish as relying on her _attorney's_ advice during a divorce. It is important to see a psychologist who is ethically bound to protect YOUR best interests, not hers.


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## Life1978 (Dec 4, 2017)

@Uptown thank you for your support and info. After reading I must say and I've thought this for many years she is bi polar. She displays many of the traits you listed. What I thought was interesting is that when she first went to Dr. Before starting her own therapy he did increase her meds for depression and anxiety but said he dosent feel that she is bi polar. 
UPDATE: Went to marriage counseling today went ok until all of a sudden she's talking about a separation. But we still live together and do our on thing. 
I'm not ok with it do not want it do not want a divorce. Tonight we talked and I was proud of myself. I stated these things and layed down the law about how I felt and this isn't all on me. And she isn't going to down play what she has done. I'm not going to roll over and sit up and play dead for you.
She wants me to trust her and then takes her wedding ring off??!! I told her that ain't gonna fly just because you want some kind of separation! She put them back on.
Before I left for work I asked so I just walk out the door instead of a kiss bye and tell you I love you after 3 kids and 15 years!!??? I asked what does she want me to do. She was silent. Then she said do what I feel. I said I'm asking You! She said she wanted a kiss bye and an I love you. 
I don't know where we stand or how this is going to work??


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Life, as I asked earlier, has this moody behavior been going on throughout your 15 year relationship or is it a very recent development? Also, was the doctor (who said she is not bipolar) a regular medical doctor or, rather, a psychiatrist or psychologist? I ask the first question because bipolar typically has an onset at around age 25 and BPD in the early teens. I ask the second question because a regular medical doctor usually lacks the training needed to diagnose bipolar or BPD.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Life1978 said:


> I don't know where we stand or how this is going to work??


She accused you of rape for god's sake! So far she hasn't gone to the police. Next time when it's expedient for her to do so, you might not be so lucky. Now you know what she's capable of. IMO you need to separate now and file for divorce ASAP! Cheating is bad enough but a false rape accusation is a threat that you should take very seriously. 

You may think a few though words or a cushy ultimatum is handling it. It's not. A false rape accusation should be a red line for any guy. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for a world of hurt.

Edit: One more thing... I would put odds that I know where this accusation came from. Read the news. Look at all the sexual harassment accusations. I'm not even saying most of it isn't justified. Maybe in the vast majority of cases it is. However it's still a feeding frenzy! And I'm thinking your wife is somehow convinced that all this applies to her too, regardless of the truth.


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## Life1978 (Dec 4, 2017)

Uptown said:


> Life, as I asked earlier, has this moody behavior been going on throughout your 15 year relationship or is it a very recent development? Also, was the doctor (who said she is not bipolar) a regular medical doctor or, rather, a psychiatrist or psychologist? I ask the first question because bipolar typically has an onset at around age 25 and BPD in the early teens. I ask the second question because a regular medical doctor usually lacks the training needed to diagnose bipolar or BPD.


Yes pretty much the whole time. 
Also I believe it was a psychiatrist who said he was not going to say she was bi polar. I think he based it on that she dosent have any rash behavior like shopping sprees or leave for days at a time type issues.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Get your self a VAR maybe a couple and plant it somewhere it can pick up her talking to someone.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Are you sure she really went to the gym? Sounds to me like she was with someone else, came home and took a shower. Then did not want to be with you because she was just with someone else and started blame shifting. 

Better check her phone. Do it quietly. She has cheated in the past as you wrote. She may now be much better at hiding it.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Life1978 said:


> Yes pretty much the whole time.


You therefore seem to be describing warning signs for a persistent, lifetime issue -- not a temporary issue caused by a hormone change.



> Also I believe it was a psychiatrist who said he was not going to say she was bi polar. I think he based it on that she dosent have any rash behavior like shopping sprees or leave for days at a time type issues.


With bipolar-1, the manic periods are so strong that "rash behavior" (e.g., binge spending and serial cheating) are common. With BPD, one of the 9 defining symptoms is "Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating. " 

Hence, if you haven't been seeing impulsive and rash behavior, her behavior would seem inconsistent with bipolar-1 and BPD. It would not be inconsistent with bipolar-2, however, because it is characterized by strong depression alternating with very mild mania -- so mild that it simply appears to be a good mood.

Moreover, if her serial cheating has continued for 15 years -- as you seem to suspect -- that alone would constitute rash and risky behavior. Incidentally, my experience is that serial cheating is far more associated with bipolar-1 than with BPD.


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