# How to not let past addicted partners hurt your future relationships



## mountains (Jul 13, 2012)

(my title is a bit misleading because I forgot the question mark...I'm looking for advice on how to let go of the past)

In my past I have two major relationships involving an addicted partner. One was 5 years, one was around a year. Anyone who has been in a relationship with an addicted person (drugs, sex, gambling, porn, whatever) knows the cycles that happen. We grow, hopefully, and don't allow it in future relationships...I'd like to think that's why the 2nd one lasted only a year.

I am now however in a really amazing relationship with an amazing person who communicates and talks with me even when it is extremely difficult for him. We are fully committed to each other in a way I never experienced (even in that 5 year one when we were married). However we've had our challenges...

He lied to me about some stuff early in the relationship and again and again as I tried to create a safe environment for him to come forward. Eventually it all came to a head and I left. It was so hard for him but he came and he talked and we addressed some hurts he had been carrying for a while (before me) now he is being incredibly open whenever I ask. I have free access to everything he has to help with my trust levels.

The relationship just keeps getting better and better. Sometimes he will lie about something still, but it is kind of like a habit and not a real lie. I say that because it is clear that he is lying and I don't say anything or press and then later the next day or something he will somehow bring it up and tell me the truth. He knows I know that he lied but I never mention the previous lie from the day or hour before. It's been good because it's proving to him that it is safe to tell me anything and that I won't judge or persecute him for working through this - his habit may still be to lie but then he remembers that it's okay and he feels bad for lying and corrects himself. And vice versa because whenever I ask he stops and listens and answers me truthfully.

This brings me to the reason I'm posting: I've realized that I am pulling forward hurts and suspicions from those two previous relationships and applying them to him. They never told the truth and it's causing me to not believe him even though his actions tell a totally different story. I told him this a few days ago and he was great about it. I actually asked him how he had let go of being cheated on when he was young and he said that he dated someone completely opposite after so he didn't have the same worries. So he helped me by pointing out the differences in the situation we are currently in to my past relationship. 

What I would like to ask you is how you moved forward trusting that what they said, after so many times they had lied to you, especially if you have a history of being involved with someone who did NOT take positive steps to fix the problem. For me, right now, even though it has been 2.5 months and he has been totally honest and the relationship is better than it's ever been, I still find myself wanting to read all his email, fbook, text messages, etc. He even gave me permission to install a keylogger on his computer. I mean, he's been just great and this is becoming my problem and not his. It's like **I** have an addiction to believing that the man I am with is lying. 

I just really need some ideas of how I can go back in time and let go of that hurt.


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## Confused Chick (Oct 3, 2012)

Unfortunately I have zero advice for the situation but I am very interested in hearing other replies on how they learn to let go and trust again for my own situation. 

On a side note. Your man sounds wonderful, like he really does understand and want to help you and the relationship make it.


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## mountains (Jul 13, 2012)

Confused Chick said:


> Unfortunately I have zero advice for the situation but I am very interested in hearing other replies on how they learn to let go and trust again for my own situation.
> 
> On a side note. Your man sounds wonderful, like he really does understand and want to help you and the relationship make it.


I really hope someone replies also 

And yes, he has been so so great since the confrontation...well, since a few days after as he did not handle it the best in the moment (thus me walking out). It just goes to show, it's all about the right combo, not the right person because there is no way him and I would be as close and comitted as we are now if we hadn't had to go through that.


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