# Inappropriate texting?



## WYWife (Sep 10, 2013)

A little history: My husband works out of state and lives on the site where he works. It's a man camp...except that two women work and live there, too - the boss' wife and his buddy's wife. He lives there for 6 weeks at a time then comes home for 2 weeks. 

The last time he came home, he invited one of his co-workers (I'll call him Mark) and Mark's wife (I'll call her Mary), who is also his co-worker, to come to our house for a mini-vacation (for them). We live approximately 18 hours from his work compound, so this wasn't just a weekend drive for them. He arrived home on Thursday, told me they were coming, and they arrived Saturday. I got no say in the matter as he had already invited them and they were on their way when he told me. Needless to say, I was angry because he already spends 6 weeks at a time with his co-workers and he should be coming home for family time, not party time with co-workers! I let my feelings be known to him but was a gracious hostess to his friends (whom I had never met). 

Due to a past infidelity on his part in our marriage, I tend to cautiously watch him interact with other women. When Mark and Mary were at our home for a week I saw NOTHING suspicious between them. At all. No sideways glances, no giggling, no flirting. Nothing. She turned out to be a very nice girl. (I say girl because she is 30, her husband 27, my husband 52 and I am 48.) 

While his company was at our house, he was a very good host: while I spent my day at work (it was too short of notice to request time off) he took them camping, to the lake, and took them to our local summer festival. I would prepare dinner and have everything ready by 7 p.m. but they wouldn't arrive home until after 9 p.m., when I was getting ready for bed. So generally, I would grab a sandwich and they would grill and enjoy the meal I prepared and then sit up drinking and visiting all night, sometimes until 1:00 in the morning. 

When his guests left and he was alone during the day, while I worked spent his time at the local tavern. I would come home from work, find him already sauced, I would make dinner, and he would eat and be in bed no later than 7 p.m. Quite a difference from when his guests were here but he is normally an early-to-bed, early-to-rise type of person. Something was nagging inside of me, though, so when he was in the shower one evening, I checked his messages and this is what I found:

Him: Do you miss me yet?
Mary: Of course
Him: I miss you too, ur a true friend

And another exchange: 

Him: I just had a Jagerbomb (For the record, he NEVER drinks Jagermeister (says he hates it) but, while Mark and Mary were at our house, however, I did find out that Jagerbombs are her "signature" drink.)
Mary: Haha...Oh really?
Him: Oh ya!!!

While they were at our local summer festival, they attended a rodeo at which he must have snapped a picture of the back side of a bull with very large testicles. In this exchange he sent her a picture of the bull's testicles:
Mary: Hey that looks familiar
Him: It was that bull...****ing huge!

I thought it was extremely inappropriate for him to send that to her but not all that uncommon for people in their work profession to exchange raunchy pictures so I checked to see if he sent the same email to her husband or any of his other work buddies. Nope. She was the only recipient of the pic of the bull testicles and she was the only one he asked "do you miss me yet?". 

That made me wonder...so I checked text usage on our cell phone provider website and came to realize that Mary is the main person he texts with...far more so than her husband, his friend, and me, his wife. It's pretty even as far as who initiates the texts. And the texting goes on sporadically all day long, up to 30 texts per day. 

1) He rarely texts with me because his "fingers don't find the right letters" and "it takes too long".

2) I don't want to be rude, but my husband is overweight, has poor hygiene, and is not a physically attractive person so I don't get the feeling that she is interested in him in that sense (her husband is a very nice looking man in great physical shape). When they were visiting, we had a couple of minutes alone and she did mention that she likes working in their profession because she "gets along great with guys because there's no drama" and that her "best friends have always been guys" and she very pointedly said she would never have an affair with an older guy - because it would be like sleeping with someone her dad's age! Again, her husband is very attractive and younger than her. HOWEVER, my husband is also a really great, fun loving guy. He is an ideal party pal! He is the guy that will always pick up the tab, will always put on the party, will always put his friends before any other priority. He is a shi**y husband, mediocre father, but a great friend. 

3) I don't get the feeling that she is pursuing him, but I get a very strong feeling that he is crushing on her. Although he's not physically attractive, he can be quite a charmer (hence, why I married him). 

I guess I just needed to get this out. I think his texts are completely inappropriate for a married man to be sending to a married woman. I think he's fishing...enjoying the attention and seeing what he can get out of it. I think she really does just think of him as a friend...but not sure. Either way, I don't think it's headed in the right direction and I've been here before about 4 years ago and don't want to go through this again. Do I just get out? Talk to him? Demand he stop texting her? Tell her husband to have his wife stop texting my husband? I know him...he will deny anything inappropriate and say that they're just friends, that I'm paranoid, etc.

Any comments? Suggestions?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I don't have any suggestions right now, but do feel that your H and Mary texting one another up to 30 times a day is inappropriate. At a guess, I'd say that there's possibly nothing more to it, other than it giving your H a buzz and the attention being a source of flattery for Mary. However, it's inappropriate behaviour for two married people, and not something I would tolerate.

Only getting to spend 2 weeks out of 8 with a spouse doesn't sound much of a marriage to me. How long has this been going on and how much longer is it likely to go on? Is it possible for you to move closer to where your H works?


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## WYWife (Sep 10, 2013)

@ Cosmos

You're right...it isn't much of a marriage because it's been going on since 2008 and there's no end in sight. He could definitely work closer to home but doesn't want to because he makes really good money where he's at (oil fields). I know in my heart that he finds work away from home because he can't handle the responsibilities of being home. He doesn't like yard work, doesn't want to deal with the kids and their activities, doesn't like the stability of home life because he is a carefree partier. He works hard, plays harder. When he lives away from home he can behave however he wants, do whatever he wants, go wherever he wants and doesn't have a family that gets in the way. We do still have kids at home that are in school and I'm not willing to move (again) to be with him. I've done that twice in the last 5 years and I'm just not willing to uproot my kids yet again. Seems like every time we "catch up" to him and live under one roof, he gets restless and needs to go find another job farther away.


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## Gruff (Feb 27, 2012)

"Do I just get out? Talk to him? Demand he stop texting her? Tell her husband to have his wife stop texting my husband? "

Why can't he police his own behaviour? He's not invested in the relationship like he should be. He doesn't hold it or you in high regard. 

Sorry op.


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## WYWife (Sep 10, 2013)

@ Gruff

You are absolutely right.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Sorry. I have no advice for you. Just do not doubt yourself when he says he DOES NOT have a "thing" for her. He most certainly does. No man invests that amount of VOLUNTARY time to a female he doesn't want to screw. That has been proven by science.

Tell him you had an issue with your/his cell phone and needed to check the bill. Very casually ask him who's number that is in all of these text exchanges. His response will tell you a lot.

Unless you just want to rugsweep and ignore it, a conversation will need to happen some time. That's as good a way as any to start it.


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## WYWife (Sep 10, 2013)

MrK said:


> Sorry. I have no advice for you. Just do not doubt yourself when he says he DOES NOT have a "thing" for her. He most certainly does. No man invests that amount of VOLUNTARY time to a female he doesn't want to screw. That has been proven by science. Tell him you had an issue with your/his cell phone and needed to check the bill. Very casually ask him who's number that is in all of these text exchanges. His response will tell you a lot.


Haha! :lol: Believe it or not, I appreciate your frankness and can also appreciate the dark humor there.

Oh, it's definitely her phone number because when she was here I exchanged numbers with her so there's no denying that she is the one he's texting. I wish content of text messages was available as well as times, dates, and numbers.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Its late, so I cant comment fully, but why on earth are you still with this guy? The way you describe him makes him out to be a fat, lazy, deadbeat slob. I'm sure you can do better, so what gives? (I'll comment in depth a bit later)


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

He is up to no good. Send the text messages to her husband. He needs to know. That might do something to dampen the party.


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## WYWife (Sep 10, 2013)

Paladin said:


> Its late, so I cant comment fully, but why on earth are you still with this guy? The way you describe him makes him out to be a fat, lazy, deadbeat slob. I'm sure you can do better, so what gives? (I'll comment in depth a bit later)


Yeah...I've been asking myself the same question for a year or two now. He IS a fat, lazy (at home...he works hard at his job and always is striving to please his employer), deadbeat slob. He brings NOTHING to the table except a paycheck.
I guess I'm still here because we have kids still in school and I need the financial stability. (Based on my experience watching him through the years with his ex-wife, he doesn't willingly pay child support, the only time he pays it is when the state catches up with him and garnishes his paycheck.) But my number one reason for staying with him is that I worry myself SICK about the idea of having to send my kids to him for visitation and he will 1) be drunk when he takes care of them, 2) not pay any mind to my daughter's celiac disease needs/requirements, and 3) have whatever female he's hooked up with at the bar take care of my kids. (He cannot and has not ever spent time alone...someone is always there to take care of him by cooking, cleaning, etc.) The thought of subjecting my kids to that kind of situation is terrifying to me.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

her husband being a good looking guy doesn't mean that he's giving her the kind of attention she'd like . your husband might be providing it . but that doesn't mean that she has any intentions to hurt him . I think it is quite the opposite . 

your husband on the other hand...

why not text him a picture of both testicles and tell him that you heard that he really likes them . then act all innocent and if he asks you where you heard it just tell him that you have your sources . 

you could go to her husband with concerns but my guess is because she's younger and better looking will disregard any warnings . 

you said your husband has poor hygiene . did he stay up while Mary was there ? 

I can't Imagine being with someone with poor hygiene . so why are you ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WYWife (Sep 10, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> her husband being a good looking guy doesn't mean that he's giving her the kind of attention she'd like . your husband might be providing it . but that doesn't mean that she has any intentions to hurt him . I think it is quite the opposite .
> 
> your husband on the other hand...
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WYWife (Sep 10, 2013)

WYWife said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No he didn't really change his hygiene habits when she was here but I would not consider her the cleanest person I've ever met so I don't think she has very high standards in that regard. 

He wasn't always so slovenly. Through the years I guess he has grown complacent and lazy. He showers about twice a week and - I know it sounds (and is!) disgusting - but only brushes his teeth on the days he showers. Like I said, about twice a week. I find it revolting and am furious when he climbs into my bed dirty and sweaty and stinky. In fact, I have an old set of sheets that I put on the bed for when he comes home so he doesn't ruin my good ones. Having said that, I don't think it's a reason to divorce. I've talked to him about it and he just doesn't see the problem. His reasoning is that when he's at work they sometimes work 16 and 18 hour days so he doesn't have time to shower. He doesn't get that when he's home that excuse doesn't apply. So I simply refuse to let him touch me or kiss me until he's showered.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Sorry for this, but it sounds like you just need to stop caring and move on. Maybe you should suggest an open marriage, as that sounds pretty much like what he has currently (you are the one limited in your freedom to be with others as he seems to do as he pleases and you allow him to). With that arrangement you could keep the financial stability until the kids graduate, and then divorce afterward if you would prefer. Other than his "charm", you are not attracted to him in any way and you seem very superficial with looks (you have referred to his appearance time and again, while making reference to how handsome and fit the other guy was, so you are looking whether you admit it to yourself or not) while comparing your appearance to hers as well. There is nothing wrong with this viewpoint as it is who you are so embrace it, but you really have no marriage and it appears that both of you agree on this fact. Maybe you should try to reach an amicable agreement about separation? He is using you just as you are using him. This sounds like it is time to get out, or reach an agreement that you will both live separate lives yet remain "legally" married?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I'm not sure if your husband is having sex with this woman or not, but if he isn't, he's trying hard - and she's not resisting. If I were to venture a guess, I'd say he has.

By the amount of texts, it's at least an EA; and one of the best indicators of whether it's gone physical would be how long they have been texting each other; and the times. You should grab the phone records and see how long this has been going on. Does it increase when he's at home with you? Is there a difference in the times or frequency when he's away?

My other thought is that with his past infidelity, you allowing him to have "any" communications with women "friends" is a mistake. In most marriages that crosses a reasonable boundary, but in the case of a past cheater, it's a no-brainer. You don't accept it. Period.

Of course you should insist in no contact. But the problem is when he's away, how will you monitor it? No other solution than for him to quit the job. Not an unreasonable demand considering his past. That is, if you truly want to R with this guy. Doesn't sound like your heart's into it. If not, you should think long and hard about how the rest of your life will play out should he not agree to these consequences.


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## WYWife (Sep 10, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> Sorry for this, but it sounds like you just need to stop caring and move on. Maybe you should suggest an open marriage, as that sounds pretty much like what he has currently (you are the one limited in your freedom to be with others as he seems to do as he pleases and you allow him to). With that arrangement you could keep the financial stability until the kids graduate, and then divorce afterward if you would prefer. Other than his "charm", you are not attracted to him in any way and you seem very superficial with looks (you have referred to his appearance time and again, while making reference to how handsome and fit the other guy was, so you are looking whether you admit it to yourself or not) while comparing your appearance to hers as well. There is nothing wrong with this, but you really have no marriage and it appears that both of you agree on this fact. Maybe you should try to reach an amicable agreement about separation? He is using you just as you are using him. This sounds like it is time to get out, or reach an agreement that you will both live separate lives yet remain "legally" married?



You have an interesting point but I don't care to be in an "open marriage". 

As far as being superficial, I don't feel that I am. I guess I was just wondering what a youg girl with an attractive husband would see in mine. You're right...it does sound superficial. At one point in time I, too, thought he was handsome but I guess his lies and infidelities have made him ugly to me. I don't believe I did compare myselfito the other girl...I believe I said I found her to be nice. Nothing was said about her looks except that I didn't think she had a very high standard for hygiene and that is just the first impression I got. I don't know if that makes me superficial, necessarily, maybe a little OCD with cleanliness. As far as using him...yes, I suppose I am for the sake of my children. Our children. If it weren't for OUR children needing braces, glasses, dentist appointments, school supplies, etc., I would have been gone a long, long time ago. No personal gain for me to stick around here as I pay my own bills.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WYWife (Sep 10, 2013)

drewbie said:


> Hi there, sorry to hear about what you're going through. It must be difficult, especially since you mentioned the past problem with unfaithfulness. Have you had a heart-to-heart with him about this yet? I suggest getting it all out in the open, no more secrets, no more guessing, leave nothing out. You need to know the entire truth and he should be aware of how you feel. There may be more to the story! I wish you all the best and hope you'll keep us posted.


I know him well enough to know he will deny and defend and, quite frankly, I just don't want to hear any more lies. He has been lying more and more frequently lately. I guess that's why I came here to vent...to see if it seems like there could be another "innocent" explanation as to why my husband is asking another woman if she misses him and if there's a good reason to send another woman a close up picture of a bull's testicles when she is not a veterinarian...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

WYWife said:


> ... Talk to him? Demand he stop texting her? Tell her husband to have his wife stop texting my husband? I know him...he will deny anything inappropriate and say that they're just friends, that I'm paranoid, etc.
> 
> Any comments? Suggestions?


Do this ^^. Stay confident when he gaslights you about being paranoid. Stay strong and self-assured and say that you won't accept a husband with a girlfriend. Stick to your guns.

It sounds very much like he's relegated you to his background, secondary life. Aside from the issue of the OW, you have to decide if this is what you want for yourself. You may find that settling in this way isn't the best for you. After all, the last time he came home, he brought his primary, front-burner life with him to act as a buffer for his secondary life with you. I would begin to question if that is what I want.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

WYWife said:


> You have an interesting point but I don't care to be in an "open marriage".
> 
> As far as being superficial, I don't feel that I am. I guess I was just wondering what a youg girl with an attractive husband would see in mine. You're right...it does sound superficial. At one point in time I, too, thought he was handsome but I guess his lies and infidelities have made him ugly to me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Unfortunately, it appears as though you are in an open marriage, as he is free to do as he pleases (and that includes come and go) with little care or attention paid to you.

I didn't mean to offend with the superficial remark, but when everything written was focusing on appearance, it looks that way to an outsider. You just again remarked that "a young girl with an attractive husband". You noted her age, but nothing about her appearance (although you have previously questioned her cleanliness and attendance to it), yet referred to her H as handsome. Again there is nothing wrong with being about appearance, just know it, accept it, and learn to live with it, if that is the case. Several people on here will admit that they are all about the looks and appearance, and these differences are what make the world go around. I am not all about the looks as I know that they can and most likely will go with age (and i am not attractive, or so I feel). If I was about the looks, I don't know how I could handle a relationship when my spouse was to fall into the "comfortable" stage and stop trying to wow me (as it seems has happened here). Hygiene is a different story than appearance though, as it can lead to health issues if not addressed and really has nothing to do with the physical appearance of a person (and I know that I couldn't live with someone that had really terrible hygiene, as it would definitely turn me off to them no matter how attractive, think Cindy Crawford with only 3 green/ black teeh in her head, greasy hair, and BO that can be smelled through the internet!!! what a turn off no matter how pretty she was).


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Maybe the other couple have an open relationship and he is the third wheel in that relationship??? If that is the case, exposing wouldn't do a thing.


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## WYWife (Sep 10, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> Maybe the other couple have an open relationship and he is the third wheel in that relationship??? If that is the case, exposing wouldn't do a thing.


I didn't take offense to the superficial remark at all. I've never really considered myself to be but I think you made a good point. Be aware that I am equally as critical of myself. Funny, I don't think I ever used to be superficial at all until he cheated on me and I was left devastated and wondering who, where, what she looked like, was she pretty, was she prettier then me, was she skinny, was she good in bed, etc. Like I said, I think he has become ugly to me through the years. 

The 3rd wheel thought is just scary! I already had to get the full STD testing after his last indiscretion. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WYWife (Sep 10, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Do this ^^. Stay confident when he gaslights you about being paranoid. Stay strong and self-assured and say that you won't accept a husband with a girlfriend. Stick to your guns.
> 
> It sounds very much like he's relegated you to his background, secondary life. Aside from the issue of the OW, you have to decide if this is what you want for yourself. You may find that settling in this way isn't the best for you. After all, the last time he came home, he brought his primary, front-burner life with him to act as a buffer for his secondary life with you. I would begin to question if that is what I want.



I think you are 100% correct.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Some guys go into this kind of work to avoid being home. Their mindset is, I bring home a good paycheck and that is doing my part. Maybe there is nothing more going on then she gets along with "the guys" and she is just one of the buddies and your husband feels connected to her. It seems like he built his life around his buddies and you and the kids are just a side line thing. 

No matter how you slice this you have a poor M. His texting is very inappropriate and it may be nothing more than that and IMO that is bad enough. He should be focused on you.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> Some guys go into this kind of work to avoid being home. Their mindset is, I bring home a good paycheck and that is doing my part. Maybe there is nothing more going on then she gets along with "the guys" and she is just one of the buddies and your husband feels connected to her. It seems like he built his life around his buddies and you and the kids are just a side line thing.
> 
> No matter how you slice this you have a poor M. His texting is very inappropriate and it may be nothing more than that and IMO that is bad enough. He should be focused on you.


I agree it is wrong and uncalled for. Not trying to defend, but playing Devil's advocate, I can't help but think that maybe he also feels neglected at home and is starting an EA to get his needs met?? Not trying to place blame, but I know that if my spouse stopped kissing me or didn't want me in her bed unless I met her demands (which I agree are merited if his hygiene is that bad) I may start to wonder if there is more out there as well. Your M is damaged and needs something, as I see no love on either side from what I am reading. We see it on here all the time, were it is said that the M problems existed before the A (in very few, if any, instances were the Ms perfect before the A started).


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## tryingtoenjoylife (Mar 30, 2012)

WYWife said:


> 2) I don't want to be rude, but my husband is overweight, has poor hygiene, and is not a physically attractive person
> 
> HOWEVER, my husband is also a really great, fun loving guy. He is an ideal party pal! He is the guy that will always pick up the tab, will always put on the party, will always put his friends before any other priority. He is a shi**y husband, mediocre father, but a great friend.
> 
> ...


I would like to comment. First, I've heard more than one female say that looks don't matter to them. Apparently they do to you. You describe your husband like this to others? What do you say to him? 

Whether or not he is cheating is no different than a woman cheating because her husband badmouths her all the time. 

If you really feel this way about him then why are you married?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

This thread has gotten off track trying to analyze the OP's remarks about hygene and looks. What she said was reasonable to any sensible person.

My question is how is your sex life when he is home? Does he act like a man that hasn't had sex for weeks ? Does he act like you are the sweetest thing on earth when he walks through the door after so many weeks?

What has he done to make up for his infidelity? How long ago was it?

What kind of phone does he have?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Sorry WYwife,

I dont know what to say. I think you should re-examine your relationship with this man. Why should you put up with this incorrigible man, although I see your reasons for staying?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He's cheating or wants to.

INnappropriate. Blow the whistle. Now.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> This thread has gotten off track trying to analyze the OP's remarks about hygene and looks. What she said was reasonable to any sensible person.
> 
> My question is how is your sex life when he is home? Does he act like a man that hasn't had sex for weeks ? Does he act like you are the sweetest thing on earth when he walks through the door after so many weeks?
> 
> ...


I don't see how you can say it was side tracked as she was the one that made the comments and observations (and several times she has made these statements), so they show that she has very little attraction to her H. This could be directly related to the state of the current marriage and explain his actions toward her. I am not talking about cheating but maybe why he isn't responding the same way to her that he is toward this other woman as she could be accepting him for whom he is. They definitely need to do something about it, but her reactions sound like she has checked out of the M a long time ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

You mention a concern for your children if you were to get a divorce. You fear that he will be a negative influence during visitation. I think you will be doing far more harm allowing your kids to grow up with him as the model for what a man/father is supposed to be. You also assume he is going to fight for custody, from what youve already stated, I highly doubt he would make the effort as a custody battle requires commitment and responsibility. You mention that he doesnt pay his child support, and you fear that you would have a hard time getting whats owed to you post divorce, a good attorney and a call to the franchise tax board resolves all those issues. Do not stay in this toxic relationship for the kids, it will do more harm than good.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Hate to say this but it is time for you to er ...grow some bull's testicles!

This man is a complete obnoxious fat stinking slob who has no respect for you at all - cheated before. You seem to be staying in this for the money and his 'charm' :scratchhead:

You have to ask yourself if you really want a person like this in your life in any way let alone a life partner 

Financially you seem to be at his mercy but you can start to change that by doing what you have to do to gain some independence from him

If you want to get this specific thing over tell her husband today, now, just watch her shut down on your husband quicker than Usain Bolt 

If you stay for the money you know what you have to put up with - forever - so you have a choice


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Well,

The text messages you posted are not concerning to me at all. They really aren't sexual but suggest your H is over invested in this woman. May be an EA; but I can't even comment on that. Unfortunately, he spends more time with her than you..... 

Clearly the priorities in your relationship are messed up. Complaining about his relationship with her will lead to nothing. It's clear he is more interested in being a happy-go-lucky guy than a steady family man.

I would recommend you really consider what you want.

If you just want out, then divorce and be done with it. If you want to try and salvage the marriage, then you should focus on what you need in the way of attention, hygiene, home time. The final alternative is to let this roll until the kids are gone and then bail. 

Sorry your are in this predicament.


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