# I think my husband is gay



## tobewise (Jan 7, 2015)

There are so many issues in my marriage, I don't even know where to begin. 

Some of you may remember my post in the mental/health issues section about not having sex for 8 years with my husband. He has given me various reasons....one being I was very overweight (true) and that he has been trying to heal from our relationship which has been rocky due to my bipolar disorder (true).

Well, he moved out of state 7 weeks ago for a new job and we've both been doing better and living healthier than we ever were with each other. I mean, we miss each other don't get me wrong, but we're doing pretty good living independently from each other.

I've always wanted things to work out...we both have. But he still doesn't show any interest in me physically whatsoever. Even before he left if I wanted to cuddle he would call our 2 dogs up on the bed because they would get between us. VERY frustrating to say the least.

So tonight I asked for a few tax documents from him and he sent them to me from an email account I've never heard of before. Being nosey I googled the address to see if any posts on message boards came up. I read one that sounded exactly like him or something he would say under that name. Then looked at the website and it's an online gay lifestyle magazine.

Before you think I'm just jumping to conclusions, there have been other things in the past that have made me doubt his honesty about his sexuality. He is always advocating gay rights, he has many gay friends and recently went clothes shopping with our next door neighbor who is gay. Years ago I found a rather erotic poem he had written about a gay couple we have been friends with for years. When questioned he made it seem like no big deal so I didn't think twice about it.

I have no problem with him being gay and would always be his friend if that were the case. On the other hand, I feel like I'm being held back from being with someone who also wants to be with me sexually.

He will never admit this if it's true....he would wait for me to end things. I remember about a year ago saying that once I became stable emotionally I'd have to figure out what I want in our marriage. It took me aback and when I said something the next day about it, he denied ever saying it. 

Anyway, I feel a little stupid right now but a lot of it has been that I didn't want to see the truth. Even 15 years ago one of our best friends told me some things about him that made me think he might be gay or bi-.

I've asked him point blank about it and he's denied it. But the fact that we're doing better without each other should be a red flag that maybe we should both move on. I'm unwilling to give up the next 8 years to be celibate. 

This is so hard....I just lost my dad.....he died about 3 weeks ago and my heart is aching about that and this too.

Thank you for listening.....sometimes it just helps to get it out there. If anyone has a word of advice or support, I would really appreciate it. I'm not asking for specific advice I guess, just if anyone has been in my shoes and maybe how they handled it. I'm pretty sure I just have to end this.

Thank you, 
Hope


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry about you losing your dad. It's a big loss.

I agree with you that the fact that you are both doing better right now living separately it a big sign that this is the time to end the relationship.

What were the plans with him moving? Were you supposed to move there to be with him? Or is this a short term thing with him returning?

It's probably a good time for you start looking at the divorce laws, getting an attorney, etc. Maybe write up a to-do list. Then just start working it?

You really do deserve to be with someone who can really love you. You have already lost 8 years. That's a long time.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I agree, now's the time to go your separate ways. 

I also agree your husband is gay, or bi. I think I'd respond to that email saying, "Thanks for sending the documents. I didn't know that was you at first since I've never seen that email address. By the way.....I googled it......" 

So sorry about your dad .


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

TW, why don't you find a NSA type relationship until you can get this problem rectified. Ordinarily its not the best thing to do but your'e not giving someone else what he wants. Besides that, if he likes the guys, why would you want to follow that with HIV floating around and affecting gay men much more than straight men . Find you a clean guy who appreciates the difference between your equipment and his.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I think your man is gay, not even bi, but gay. You haven't had sex in 8 years! Dude is either gay or completely asexual. Either way, he is not the man for you whether he admits it or not. This isn't fixable.

So sorry about your dad. I know this must be hard for you. Would your dad want you to stay married to a man who doesn't want you sexually?


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