# Not sure what to do



## Unsurehusband (Oct 9, 2021)

Hello everyone, I have been reading this forum alot, and know how people in this situation are viewed, however I would like some honest advice preferably from others who have been in my situation. 

I have been married for 12 years, together for 18. I have 2 just teen children. In 2019 I had an ea with a work colleague, I felt terrible for letting it become one, however she was meeting a need I didn't really acknowledge I had. My wife and I are very different people, we lacked intimacy and connection and despite my efforts over the years, she was unwilling to work with me because she was OK as things were.

I confessed to the EA, and we decided to work on things, however I sank into depression and felt that I needed out. We separated for 9 months during which time I dated one other person. I called time on that because it was too soon and I wasn't able to meet her needs. 

During this time I supported my wife while we headed toward divorce. We never told the kids about our intentions to divorce although I think they knew. I love my wife and care for her deeply, I never wanted to cause any pain but obviously I did. We decided to give things another try, she made an effort and so did I, sex became more frequent and I didn't have to initiate all the time. Cuddles and us time were high priority for both of us. However, a year on and our relationship has slid back into old patterns of her prioritising things above us. 

We rarely talk about things other than the nuts and bolts of life and im starting to feel lonely again. I have been in therapy trying to figure out if it's me expecting too much or if we are just not well suited. I feel depressed again, partly because I'm missing the intimacy, but also because despite me recognising my wife is a good person. She just might not be capable of meeting my emotional needs.

Im frightened of hurting her and my kids, frightened of the unknown, but feel like there is something fundamental missing, some hole that I can't fill with my kids and family now they are growing up and my parents are elderly and need care.

So this doesn't get focused on my EA, when we reconciled, I owned it, did everything that she asked to allow her to rebuild the trust. Really made an effort. 

Has anyone else had this experience of being married to a good person, that just dont seem to fit with you anymore?

One other bit of relevant information, im demisexual for those who know what that is.

Thanks for reading


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## Mr Steel (Sep 30, 2021)

Sounds like you need to accept this situation. If she is not there to meet your needs then how long do you stay unhappy? Talk to others who can give an unbiased opinion on the matter at hand first, having different points of view is useful. Then sit down with your wife and discuss next steps. None of this is easy but it seems like the die is cast.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

We are what we are.

What we are, may not meet other's needs.

This should be sorted out and discovered before marriage.

That rarely happens.

Or, so it seems.


Plus, people change as they age.

Pull the plug on this marriage.
Take your time, next time.


_Are Dee-_


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

you are not the same person you were when you married your wife and neither is she, the most difficult aspect of marriage is the realization that the people we were then are not always the people we become today, we change jobs, we have kids, we lose love ones, we have life altering events, our body changes and so do our minds. So sometimes the partner we started with is not the partner you end up with.....there may still be a love but not desire, or needs met...not all marriage s are meant to last forever.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Considering the good work you guys did to come back from the EA and to address the needs in the marriage. Why don't you both make a conscious effort to remind yourselves yearly, or biannually, of the steps needed to maintain a good marriage. Why just let it slip back into the unacceptable without addressing it? 

Pick a date once or twice a year to ''refresh''.

I'm on the demisexual spectrum also.....(self diagnosed, lol)


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Lostinthought61 said:


> So sometimes the partner we started with is not the partner you end up with.....there may still be a love but not desire, or needs met...not all marriage s are meant to last forever.


Very wise statement. I would add that people who end up in this situation should read and study "The Five Love Languages", just in case the relationship is salvageable.


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## Unsurehusband (Oct 9, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> you are not the same person you were when you married your wife and neither is she, the most difficult aspect of marriage is the realization that the people we were then are not always the people we become today, we change jobs, we have kids, we lose love ones, we have life altering events, our body changes and so do our minds. So sometimes the partner we started with is not the partner you end up with.....there may still be a love but not desire, or needs met...not all marriage s are meant to last forever.


Thanks for all the input, this is especially true for my situation, my wife hasn't grown along with me sadly.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Both of you can be good people but you are no longer good together. Life ebbs and flows ... things changing is the only constant.


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