# Wtf now???



## Starleegirl (Oct 11, 2012)

New to this site, here is the shorter version of my story and I hope for some feedback....

Married for 10 years and have 2 kids. I suspect my husband of emotional infidelity but not sure or maybe I'm in denial of physical cheating. Here are the facts: hiding phone, locked phone inappropriate texts from a girl that he worked out of town with, denial, changed all passwords and has not given me access even after I have asked him too he says that he is not interested in being monitored, would talk to her during the day while I was at work ect. I have told him that it makes me insecure and I have asked him drop the contact with her. He says that he has limited access with her and it's only when a job is coming up. There is so much more to the details but I didn't want this to be too long. Currently I continue to suffer inside and anytime we talk about it he says that he doesn't know what else to say and that she means nothing and they were just friends. He no longer has his phone attached to him and it is no longer locked but he still has different passwords and all I have asked of him is to prove its not a big deal and he hasn't to date, pretty sure he continues to delete her messages and he tells me he knows I will get pissed off and react over it so it's just easier to get rid of them. My husband is an introvert and is very quiet so of course I am like wtf, I really don't know.....YES all of the signs are there and trust me I struggle everyday with my emotions about it......a bit of history, he says he feels like we have been more like roommates through our marriage and when I ask him what that means he says he doesn't know I say what have I done to make you feel like that and he can't answer......He says that he cant seem to ever make me happy and that i always have an issue, i agree that we have had our ups and downs and our communication is lacking big time at this point we are trying to make things work but I feel that he has maybe completely shut down and I have no idea what to say or do anymore? Any comments?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He's cheating, as you know...and doesn't care if it bothers you.

What now? You decide if you want to stay with someone who completely disrespects you and is cheating on you....OR...you file divorce papers and have him served.

I'd do the later.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What now?? You tell him that he either sends this person a no contact letter while you watch and cuts her completely out of his life, AND PROVES IT for the next 5 years, including giving you ALL his passwords and everything, or you are going to file for divorce. Period. Then do it.

Also get tested for STD's. They've probably had sex.


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## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

There is a great chance he is having at least an EA if not a full blown PA.

Get a VAR and put it in his car. Check phone records and the bank statements. Check his computer history and get a key logger for the computer. 

Look over his shoulder when he enters the code for his phone.... try to look at his text messages. 

Be good to yourself... this is going to suck. Hugs


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## Lmodel (Jun 1, 2012)

My wife was always very protective of her phone and hated the fact that I was suspicious of her phone usage, as it turned out she was having an affair. If all of a sudden they don't have a problem with you checking their phone it probably means they have purchased a pre paid phone to use behind your back. Search his car as this is where my wife apparently hid her "secret" cell phone. Trust your gut feeling if his habits have changed and you think he is having an affair well he probably is.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

He is definitely having an affair. You have listed HUGE red flags and say there are mote besides. Do not doubt yourself.

BTW, the way they get you off scent and off their back is to twist it all and turn it on to you. All the issues are of his making due to his behaviour. When you hear him accusing you of being this or that, of doing this or that, that your marriage is this or that (and yet he has nothing of substance to say about your marriage, just an accusation), you need to translate all of those things into 'I am secretive because I have secrets, so get off my back. You are paranoid and controlling because I am seeing someone and you are trying to stop me. I want to carry on seeing her, therefore you need to shut up with your trying to stop me. We are like housemates because that makes it ok to have sex with another woman. And of course that is the only reason, that is why I can't tell you'. 

So, you can either demand he opens up all accounts there and then, in front of you, or you are over. Or you can quietly snoop (dont you ever dare think there is anything wrong with that, especially when he is disrespecting you so painfully obviously. He has created the snooping by not being honest with you. And by not being a decent man!) and gather evidence. Print all out or save it before deleted. Get spyware on phone (beware! ensure settings do not drain battery and data usage), find his secret phone, keylogger on computer, VAR the car. Do all that and fond your irrefutable evidence. Then confront. Ensure total pleasantry while doing that and he will relax and not be so much on guard.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

Totally agree with all the above posts. Get with it, Starlee. It's going to hurt, but know for sure that you will find good advice and and people to talk to who what you are going through. Hugs and good luck.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Starleegirl said:


> New to this site, here is the shorter version of my story and I hope for some feedback....
> 
> Married for 10 years and have 2 kids. I suspect my husband of emotional infidelity but not sure or maybe I'm in denial of physical cheating. Here are the facts: hiding phone, locked phone inappropriate texts from a girl that he worked out of town with, denial, changed all passwords and has not given me access even after I have asked him too he says that he is not interested in being monitored, would talk to her during the day while I was at work ect. I have told him that it makes me insecure and I have asked him drop the contact with her. He says that he has limited access with her and it's only when a job is coming up. There is so much more to the details but I didn't want this to be too long. Currently I continue to suffer inside and anytime we talk about it he says that he doesn't know what else to say and that she means nothing and they were just friends. He no longer has his phone attached to him and it is no longer locked but he still has different passwords and all I have asked of him is to prove its not a big deal and he hasn't to date, pretty sure he continues to delete her messages and he tells me he knows I will get pissed off and react over it so it's just easier to get rid of them. My husband is an introvert and is very quiet so of course I am like wtf, I really don't know.....YES all of the signs are there and trust me I struggle everyday with my emotions about it......a bit of history, he says he feels like we have been more like roommates through our marriage and when I ask him what that means he says he doesn't know I say what have I done to make you feel like that and he can't answer......He says that he cant seem to ever make me happy and that i always have an issue, i agree that we have had our ups and downs and our communication is lacking big time at this point we are trying to make things work but I feel that he has maybe completely shut down and I have no idea what to say or do anymore? Any comments?


CAlm down as much as possible and start gathering evidence. The link in my signature goes to a thread for gathering evidence. It is obvious to me that the phone is hie primary source of communication with this woman. So that would be my main focus. Figure out if he has any secondary line of communication , email , or chat and IM clients. The best way to flush this out is to pretend everything is normal and get him to drop his guard. Let me know if you need any help getting into a device.


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## Starleegirl (Oct 11, 2012)

Thanks to everyone for the replies! I have evidence I gained access to his phone account and saw the extent of the messages and calls.....funny I used to be so relaxed and easy going and this has turned me into a bit of a maniac. At this point I am not interested in going any further with the spying, if I have to continue with that I am only going to drive myself more crazy and really, what will that do? Prove he's a dog....yup! I texted him today asking to please give me access again to his phone account (he changed the password) and he replied with giving me access is not going to do anything and that there must be more to this that is bothering me than what I am saying, I replied and said if you have nothing to hide you will give me access to everything if you want this marriage to move forward, he has not responded and that was this morning. Normally I would have contacted him by now several times but I don't think I'm going to this time!! A glass of wine and hot bath is in order.....appreciate the words of wisdom from you all


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

ok, Starlee, now that you have demanded this while he is away from you, do you think he is now frantically trying to close the online billing account? Deleting all his dodgy emails and texts? If you want to ensure he doesn't wriggle out of it and that you accept a total hell of limbo for months, then you really must tread carefully. 

If you intend to snoop no further, does that mean you now have all you need as proof and won't need anything more. No matter what he tells you? 

When he arrives home you need to give him the ultimatum. Open everything up IN FRONT OF YOU and MAKE HIM STAY RIGHT THERE SO HE CANNOT DISAPPEAR AND REMOVE FURTHER EVIDENCE. He needs to open it all up it leave. Right now. Today. 

You need your plan in place for how you will deal with what you find, or what you will do if he refuses. You know that he will probably refuse right? And blame you for.you insecurity and paranoia...and you know he is wrong, right? You know they are only tricks to.get you off their back, right? 

Let us know how it goes.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, I'd be interested to know how you're doing too.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Quick insight.....my FWH's excuse was that we were living like roommates. Just food for thought. He does not believe you are serious about them not talking. Open his eyes!!!!


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## Starleegirl (Oct 11, 2012)

I'm done with it all now, I have been pushing for answers and he has totally shut down and will not respond to me. This has been going on for too long and we never resolve anything, he has no intentions of proving anything and says counselling won't help so I don't feel that there are any other options.


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## Venusina (May 13, 2012)

Starleegirl said:


> I'm done with it all now, I have been pushing for answers and he has totally shut down and will not respond to me. This has been going on for too long and we never resolve anything, he has no intentions of proving anything and says counselling won't help so I don't feel that there are any other options.


This is VERY, very similar to what's happening to me... He has been acting the same for almost two years and I decided to move out because the pain was only getting bigger and bigger. I was the one who felt like roommates because he never wanted to have anything to do with me. But he wanted to got out, have fun and stuff with everyone else...  
I gave up after years (since we were dating) of trying, and it was very hard to take the finally step because I love him, but he doesn't seem to love me. 

Why are you waiting for? To have you heart broken more and more and more? Respect yourself first. He does not respect you and you don't deserved to be treated like that.


I got tired. He seems A LOT like my husband...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Starleegirl said:


> I'm done with it all now, I have been pushing for answers and he has totally shut down and will not respond to me. This has been going on for too long and we never resolve anything, he has no intentions of proving anything and says counselling won't help so I don't feel that there are any other options.


Any other options than what? I hope you kicked his ass to the curb.


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