# Sorry to just pop in with questions and no answers



## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

So 3 weeks ago I found out my wife of 3 1/2 years had been cheating on me for 3 years. I almost think she wanted me to find out.

I've always been an open, honest person with her. I let her read my e-mails and facebook and anything else she wanted. She would freak out if I got into a conversation with a woman (I mean women that I knew as purely platonic friends, married with children that I have known for 10+ years). It made her upset and I didn't want to harm our marriage so I cut off every relationship I had with any woman.

I'll try not to post with 20-20 hindsight. Three weeks ago she told me that different men on facebook had seen her profile picture and given her compliments. One day she left her phone upstairs while I was watching our son and she was downstairs on the computer. I thought it would be nice to read compliments about how beautiful my wife was so I picked up her phone (no password) and logged into facebook. I opened up the first set of posts from a man she had told me was her cousin. What I read was a long series of extremely pornographic pictures, videos, and sexual exchanges. I read back two months worth of daily exchanges and realized I couldn't handle it, not at all, so I went and grabbed two sets of clothes, screamed at her that she had to take care of our son (I included some fierce profanity, which I regret. It scared my son ), and I left. I immediately went to a friend's house and spent the night.

The next day she was contacting me at 5am telling me to come talk to her. It was Sunday, I didn't have to work, so I went back home. My emotions were still completely out of control. She told me she had been cheating on me for the last year. But my naive trust had been shattered and after 8 years of living together I knew she was lying. I told her I was going to divorce her if she didn't start telling me the truth. She told me she had been cheating on me for 3 years. That encompasses almost our entire marriage and the birth of our child. All with the same guy. She told me she wanted to make things work and that I could look at her phone, facebook, and e-mails to reassure that she had stopped.

I said, "give me your phone," and she did. I opened up facebook and found she had tried to delete everything. But she doesn't understand computers enough to know how to properly delete things. I found that she told "JF" that her husband had found out about them. He responded, "I have to unfriend you" and *he* unfriended her. She sent him private messages trying to get him to continue their relationship. This was not her stopping. I also found out that he was "playing" two other girls and bragging about it to my wife. They were just sex toys for his fantasies.

I totally freaked out. It was a terrible decision but I was not able to handle my emotions. I made threats against my family which, like everything in those first three days, I regret terribly.

Again I left and spent the day and night at a friend's house. She contacted me and told me she had arranged marriage counseling for the next day. She told me she had printed me a map and directions and would tape them to the inside door of our house.

The next day I went to work with some difficulty, drove home and got the map, and went to the marriage counselor's office 2 hours early. I wanted to make sure I was early so that I would have plenty of time to calm down, make sure I didn't say anything stupid, and clear my head. I decided I would tell her I loved her and I would go to marriage counseling and I would try to make things work.

She was very late to the marriage counseling appointment. I was outside the office standing next to the only ash tray smoking (I started smoking cigarettes the day I found out she was cheating, after 10 years quit). I would step out into the open hallway every time I heard foot steps so I could tell her what I planned on telling her. Eventually she did show up and I stepped out and called out her name. She started running, full speed, jumped in her car and peeled out full speed. I didn't know why she acted that way. She knew I would be there, she had to drive past my car to park where she was, and she invited me and printed me a freakin map!

The next day I was served a restraining order. It took awhile for me to get the police to give me a copy. 10 days actually. There were two reasons the restraining order was granted. 1- I threatened my family. Absolutely true but I would never hurt anyone, never have, and was acting under an abnormal amount of stress, jealousy, rampant emotion, and was not what I would call stable. But there is nothing I can do to take it back. The second reason is she said I was waiting right around the corner when she went to marriage counseling and leapt out, 3-5 feet away, and started screaming threats at her. I filmed a video with the help of a family member showing that I was actually about 45 feet away from her when she took off running.

A mutual friend who trusts me more than her told me that she was posting about taking out a restraining order on me the next day so I went home and got my computer, clothes, and a few other things. While I was gathering my stuff the police showed up and served me a restraining order. They discussed it for about half an hour talking about how it didn't look right and there should be more pages. How there was no judges signature and they have never seen a restraining order that lacked so much information. My wife was with them but she stood far back and that was the last time I've seen her. They asked her if this was the whole restraining order and she said it was. My lawyer eventually got the order and there were 6 pages (out of 9) missing from what the police gave me.

Since I had my computer I hooked it up and logged into her account. We always trusted each other, or so I thought, and so there were never any passwords on anything. Everything with a password had an auto login. I checked her facebook and she had deleted her account. Then I found another account, and another one. All deleted. I checked her e-mail, just like she said I could to "build trust" and nothing was there so I went into the trash folder. Like I said she doesn't understand computers. In the trash folder I found an e-mail between her and "JF" where she was trying to tell him she loved him and he told her that the reason our marriage ended was because she used all her sexual energy on him and ignored me, that it was her fault, and he wanted nothing to do with her unless she wanted to hide her phone on video and record herself performing sexual acts on other men then send them to him.

That was the end of their conversation.

Since the restraining order has been in place she has never given me our son for the standard visitation that it lists in the order. She gives me him about 1/3 of the time that I'm supposed to get. She has also tried on a daily basis to get me to go to marriage counseling. I had already read up on restraining orders and one thing I learned was that if I show up at a marriage counselor and she is there, or she shows up, then I have broken the restraining order and I go to prison and she gets our child. Every day she would, through our mediator (another long story) try to set up marriage counseling. It took me a week to get a lawyer and he explained to me how we could have marriage mediation. It has to be at the courthouse, in the police station, with a police officer present, in separate rooms, with us communicating purely through a mediator while we sit in separate rooms. And each party has to pay 1/2 no matter what. One party can not pay for the entire thing.

I had my mediator explain this to her mediator and offered to have my mediator give her a "gift" of the exact amount of money she would need to pay for marriage mediation. I know she doesn't have any money. Suddenly she wasn't interested in making things work anymore. Now instead of trying to set up marriage counseling every day she told me that she would decide if she wants a divorce on the exact day of the restraining order hearing.

My lawyer, hearing all of this, has insisted that I file for a divorce as soon as possible to basically get the jump on them. I have screen shots, friend's testimony, and other evidence that she was cheating on me. I have evidence that she lied to the police. I have evidence that she is violating her own restraining order by not granting me "standard custody". I have been very careful to note everything, take dated and time stamped pictures of everything, and just covering my bases.

But I don't want a divorce. I want things to work. But all the people I trust are telling me that I'm not thinking straight and I need to do what the lawyer says. That it's over and I need to move on. I've read a lot of the posts hear and I know 8 years isn't long for a lot of people but I've given nearly 1/3 of my life to this relationship and I don't understand why it's ending.

I mean things were getting pretty bad at the end. She was refusing to have any type of sexual activity with me for the last year, and if we did do anything I never felt like she was into it. But the last month she insisted we start trying to have a second child. And we were... and I'm terrified she's pregnant. And what about my first child? He is my son no matter what I don't care what anyone says but I have terrible nightmares that he's not. I'm sleeping 2-3 hours a night. My doctor prescribed me some pill that's supposed to disrupt your REM cycles so I won't have nightmares because she's not happy with me sleeping so little. I just can't stand to lie there in the dark with such horrible images in my mind. And when I do fall asleep I have nightmares non-stop.

I have all the same questions that everyone has. Why did this happen? What did I do? What should I have done? Why is she trying to set me up to go to PRISON? Someone I've known for over 10 years and been with for so long... How could I be so naive for so many years?

I mean with 20-20 hindsight it was pretty obvious. Refusing any type of sexual activity with me to matter what I tried while lying next to me in bed masturbating while looking at her phone. And anytime I tried to see what she was looking at she would freak out, run out of the room, and... I guess she would delete whatever was on her phone. I just trusted her. Isn't that what you do? When you marry someone? When you have children with them? I never hid anything, what would I hide... The last 6 months she would accuse me of cheating on her anytime I went and hung out with my friends. So I gave her everyone I would hang out with's phone number so she could call them and have them hand their phone to me to make sure I was actually hanging out with them. It was so bizarre but I just figured she had low self-esteem and I didn't want her to think I was cheating on her. So I went along with it all.

The end of the story so far... should I do what my lawyer, my family, my friends, all say and just divorce her? What about my son? He's all I really care about anymore and I want him to have a happy family not like the family I grew up in.

I guess all I really have to say is I'm so terribly confused and I found this forum and I'm hoping that somehow I'll find some kind of solace here.

Thanks to anyone who reads this crap.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Rusty...unfortunately reconciliation is a two way street....and so far your wife has shown no remorse. She has continued to try and trap you and deciece you....neither of which are going to build reconciliation. For right now I think your lawyer and friends are right.. until you see some remorse for what she has done and desire on her part to make amends you pretty much have to move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Sorry your here Rusty....keep posting there will be lots of good advice to come. There are alot of forum CWI veterans that will have great advice soon and will be here to support you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

> The end of the story so far... should I do what my lawyer, my family, my friends, all say and just divorce her?


Of course. This is unsalvageable. But you already know that. Do what you have to do. 



> What about my son? He's all I really care about anymore and I want him to have a happy family not like the family I grew up in.


If you value your son at all, you'll divorce your despicable 'wife' with a cast-iron custody agreement in place. She was trying to get you sent to jail under the guise of 'marriage counselling'. You will end up with nothing if you don't pull the trigger and make sure the courts can enforce your rights.

Get off the internet and call your lawyer.


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## dontbeused (Nov 15, 2013)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> So 3 weeks ago I found out my wife of 3 1/2 years had been cheating on me for 3 years. I almost think she wanted me to find out.
> 
> I've always been an open, honest person with her. I let her read my e-mails and facebook and anything else she wanted. She would freak out if I got into a conversation with a woman (I mean women that I knew as purely platonic friends, married with children that I have known for 10+ years). It made her upset and I didn't want to harm our marriage so I cut off every relationship I had with any woman.
> 
> ...


Total sham of a marriage. Take her to the cleaners via divorce. Have a ruthless lawyer do all the work. You need to detach from her mentally. I recommend looking up the 180 process and implementing it immediately. Do not listen to her, do not engage with her, put a var in your pocket for any and all interactions with her. She is going to try to hurt you further, she is trying to make you out to be a bad guy, a bad parent and all of it so she can get the money and child. 
You have no reason to try to R with her. Your marriage is over.
You need to wake up and not think that she is the woman you thought she was, she is not. She is a lying, cheating POS and she is now trying to ruin you, taking your child, your money, and likely your home. She wants to have everything you gave to her and continue to live her life as she wishes. 
D her immediately.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

First let me say how sorry that I am that you are in this situation. No one should have to endure the betrayal that you have had to endure. However, you have to take off the rose-colored glasses and see things for what they real are in your life. 

Your wife admitted to being unfaithful for almost all your marriage and it more than lifely has been your entire marriage. You may love this woman and want it to work, but there is nothing in her behavior that would lead you to believe that she has any desire to be faithful. She has paid lip service to reconciliation, but then turns around and her actions show that she is still cheating. Her words are hollow, watch her actions, that is the real her, she is playing you dude, don't let her.

The good news is the relationship produced a son that you love. Take solice in the fact that he loves you too. Open a new banking account, cancel joint credit cards, life for divorce, get as much time with your son that you can, and get on with your life. Open your eyes my friend, there is a brave new world out there.


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

I'm sorry Rusty, but R seems to be out of the realm of possibiliities for you. You see, there are people on TM who had affairs, but deep down they seem to be a nice person and truly remorseful....they are just in a deep fog.

But in your case, I'm sorry to tell you but your wife is being just plain mean....can you tell us one good attribute about her? She is just not a nice person.....she is going completely out of her way to make your life a living hell even after being caught while you were only good to her. So...why would you want her?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Okay Rusty.

Look at your wife's actions.

Cheating for most of your Marriage
Taking your son from you.
Trying to get you arrested and thrown in jail.
STEALING from you (yes she obviously was taking money for the "marriage" while not being a real wife)

So if a total stranger came up to you and 
Kidnapped your son (even though this stranger took good care of him)
Filed false charges against you
Tried to have you thrown in prison for YEARS (not months)
Stole money from you.

What would you think of this person.

Your wife IS this person except worse because she USED your love and heart to be able to accomplish those things.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Rusty, your wife has no remorse. She wants the dude. Then the restraining order. End this now. The child might not even be yours. 

1. Get tested for STDs.
2. DNA your son.
3. Expose this to the dude's family.
4. File. Your wife cheated the entire M. She never wanted you.
5. Don't plead, beg , etc.
6. Watch your temper.
7. She is dead to you.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> Rusty, your wife has no remorse. She wants the dude. Then the restraining order. End this now. The child might not even be yours.
> 
> 1. Get tested for STDs.
> 2. DNA your son.
> ...


This
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Thanks for all your responses.

I met with a marriage counselor today. I went into his office a week ago to get proof that I showed up to the marriage counseling my wife set up and the secretary kept telling me that they don't have the paperwork I filled out. This made no sense to me because I filled out insurance paperwork, personal paperwork, and lots of stuff. I started getting angry at her because I felt like she was lying to me and this older gentleman came out of an open office and said to her, "give him all the paperwork." All of a sudden she had copies of everything and I got it all. What the **** was that about?

He told me that he was the marriage counselor we were supposed to meet with and asked me what happened. I explained the situation, briefly, and he told me that he thought it would be helpful for me to meet with him just me and him. So I made an appointment and met with him today.

We had two hours. I had a huge list of questions I made but he just wanted me to explain what happened. That took nearly the full two hours. I don't want to get into specific details because it will make me identifiable to someone searching for me but he said that it sounds like she is schizophrenic. I let him know that we met at a small forum dedicated to supporting each other through mental disorders. I have since been diagnosed as bi-polar and have been on a stable set of medications for years. She has never gone in to see any professional. I just thought she was ok.

I let him know that her father is schizophrenic and that is why he lost custody of her and her mom took her and moved 2000 miles away (yes literally 2000 miles, from one side of the country to the farthest side possible). He told me that schizophrenia is genetic and this supports his hypothesis.

He told me what you all, and everyone, is telling me. I need to file for divorce immediately. He also told me I need to include an order for her to get a mental health evaluation in the divorce. And he told me to go get tested for STD's. I'm not looking forward to that.

He asked me if I wanted my son. Of course i do. We talked about it and he recommended that I do not get a DNA test because if I find out something I don't want to hear it is going to make my life, and my son's life, worse forever.

But he also waxed poetic about how great the 1950's were when people didn't get divorced. He had this bizarre romantic view of that time period. I almost interrupted him to insert into the conversation that during this time period women didn't have equal rights and men could beat their wives. I just ignored him.

He also told me that it's almost always men who cheat. That 80% of infidelity is men cheating on their wives. This is not what I've read from many sources including the American Psychology Association.

I made a follow up appointment but I think I'm going to contact my insurance and find a male marriage counselor who is younger. This guy is really old and I don't believe that 80% of cheating is done by men.

So I have heard the suggestion that I contact the guys family and let them know what's going on. I've already researched everything I can find about this guy. He just recently moved about 1500 miles away because he got a new job. He has parents and a brother but no wife and, from reading my wife's messages it's clear that he has multiple GF's (who he routinely refers to as sex toys) that he just lies to and plays around with. I don't know how I could get ahold of them or if they would believe me. And I can't imagine calling his parents out of the blue to say, "guess what, you're son was cheating on my marriage for years and years." I think I should leave that alone.

There are a lot more details about the bizarre actions she has taken and the strange lies she has told (luckily she told lots of them to the police and I have proof that she lied). I don't want to get into details because, again, it would make me identifiable.

I do know I don't want to go to a marriage counselor who thinks that basically only men cheat in marriage and that we should somehow revert back to the 1950's. But it was helpful to hear advice from someone I can consider an expert.

I also don't know about this "she may be schizophrenic" stuff. I guess I never saw anything like that but, then again, I spent how many years never seeing anything that was right in front of my face? /confused still

I spoke with my lawyer and he let me know that we will be filling an at-fault divorce and that he has already been working on it. I wanted to know if this will help me become the custodial parent of my child and he said that it will not. In my state the only thing an at-fault divorce will do is grant me 10-15% more of our shared assets. He recommended we try to take as much as possible of the assets and then try to negotiate giving up assets in exchange for giving me the rights of the custodial parent. I don't have much hope this is going to happen.

Has anyone gone through anything like this? Hell what a dumb question it's clear that plenty of people have. I'd love to hear any other advice anyone has and thanks again to everyone who replied.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

So I just read the following:

Women's Infidelity

That is my relationship. Does anyone have any experience with this book? Would you recommend it?

Just reading the page I kept thinking, yep, yep, yep, yep, that is exactly what happened. I mean it is *exactly* what happened.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

So your wife was manically trying to get you to get her pregnant? She probably is pregnant. Demand a paternity test if she is. If it's not yours do not sign the birth certificate. I disagree with your MC about paternity testing for your son. You need to know if he's biologically yours or not. There are medical reasons for needing to know if he's your son or not.

Dump the marriage councilor. First, his receptionist wouldn't give you your paperwork. Did he ever explain why? No? Dump him. Besides, you need IC not MC. This marriage has been a sham from the get go.

Divorce her and find a woman worth wasting time on. This one isn't.

Oh and if you can prove she lied to the police, talk to your lawyer about mandatory a mental health eval for her. May also help you out with custody. May not but it's worth a shot.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Rusty you never had a marriage to begin with. She was with another man the entire time she has vowed to be faithful to you.

End this nightmare with this despicable woman.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Rus you need a shrink, not a MC, after being married to this vampire for 3+ years.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Did you get the lawyer to ask for a psych evaluation. That should help with custody.

Put the om on cheaterville.com. just tell the truth as you believe it to be, do not exagerate. Any time someone googles his name they will be able to find out who he really is.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I am usually the first person to suggest reconciliation. 

In your case I recommend divorce and exposure. Get STD tests and DNA test for your son to to protect yourself from false claims that the you are not his his father. Use CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I don't want to come across as mean but if you met on a mental health forum why didn't you know your wife is schizophrenic? 

And can you tell us that being bi-polar you were not violent? I say this because of the restraining order. 

In my view mental health issues are not reasons to do wrong behaviors. 

I do think D is a very good option in this case.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If your not going to listen to your attorney, then why hire him?

Your paying him good money to watch out for your interest and to defend you in a legal matter so follow his advice.

As far a friends and family telling you to divorce her. They are seeing a much clearer picture than you are. Right now your life is in shambles and your not seeing things in a right frame of mind. They have your back so at least your not alone.

She cheated on your for basically your whole marriage so there is nothing to salvage here. Move on. Take care of your kid and unload her. She's only going to hurt you more.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> I don't want to come across as mean but if you met on a mental health forum why didn't you know your wife is schizophrenic?
> 
> And can you tell us that being bi-polar you were not violent? I say this because of the restraining order.
> 
> ...


She was there because she was depressed. I always chalked up her paranoia to low self-esteem and the fact that she couldn't/wouldn't talk to other people to being shy. I'm not going to get into more details here I will leave that for my lawyer and my therapist.

The restraining order was for 2 points, which I already discussed... But since you didn't seem to read them before I will say them again. The day after I found out I threatened violence against my entire family. I regret it and would never do it but I made the threat. I am not violent. Being bi-polar does not make you violent. I don't know why you think that but you clearly don't understand bi-polar disorder. I have no history of violence.

The 2nd point was her claiming that at the marriage counselor appointment that she made the day after I threatened my family (apparently this is important because it lends credence to the fact that she was not actually afraid of my threat. Why would she make an marriage counselor appointment with me and then show up if she thought I was going to kill her?) Anyway, I got there 2 hours early to clam down and make sure I was in the state of mind to make things work. She showed up 15 minutes late, turned the corner, saw me 45 heel-to-toe steps of my feet away; I called out her name and she took off running. In the police report she claimed I was right around the corner 3-5 feet away. I have a video showing how far away we were, where we were parked, etc...

My lawyer also says that it doesn't make sense for her to run away the second she sees me when she made the appointment, called me to tell me about it, printed me a map, and wrote me out directions.

Thorburn I really don't understand your point, if you even have one. Maybe you could try to clarify?

We are moving forward. I am getting an STD test. As much as it pains me I am going to request a DNA test on my son. I still have people we both knew whom I'm trying to convince to file affidavits for me. They are worried about it even though I keep telling them that I just want them to tell the truth and they don't even need to give me the affidavit, just tell the truth and sign it.

My wife has and is making all kinds of weird accusations to people. She has been telling everyone that the reason she isn't sleeping in our house (where my son's toys, bed, etc.. are) is because she thinks I'm going to blow up the house. I have no idea how she got this idea.

She has been telling people... argh. Lots of lies and as far as I figured it was her way of trying to keep herself afloat in the fake bubble world she has created so she doesn't have to face the truth. Which is pretty simple. She cheated for years and now it's coming to an end because of, not just one decision she made, but at least one terrible decision _pretty much every single day for years._


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

So I am filling out the Cheaterville information. Should I make new Cheaterville posts for each of the aliases I know he uses? Also should I fill them out for each of the 3 cities he lived in during the time they were cheating together? Also should I make accounts for my wife and the aliases I know she uses? And any tips on what to include?

Thanks again everyone. I have been taking your advice I really appreciate it.

Hopefully once this is over and can come back and become a productive member of this forum.

Just finished calling a bunch of doctors to get an STD test. My doctor moved out of state and so I had to get a new doctor. And I want the test done immediately. I found a doctor who can get me in today so that will be done.

Hope everyone has a wonderful day.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

I am sorry to read about your troubles, their are similiarities in your story to mine and I have also dealt with the temp restraining order on wild claims.

I dont know if yours is still in force yet or not but you simply must break off all contact which if you read the fine print on those things means you cant talk to her friends, family etc. If you want affidavits done, anything use your lawyer. If you ask a friend for something like that, your stbx hears about it she can call the police stating you are harrassing her thru the friends. You will be found guilty immediately. No trial, nothing. 

She is a complete wildcard at this moment and for as much as you want to help her she is your worst enemy right now. Not only has she ripped your heart out, but she wants to destroy your life. You simply must pull back and avoid her and anything to do with her like the plague. 

Whether you thinks its a medical problem or just vindictive is irrelovent at this time. The world humors the crazy. She doesnt want your help. It sounds harsh and I struggled too at times it but you simply must become bystander to the meltdown of her life. Unless the court is ordering the counseling, do not go. Get some for yourself if you feel the need to and I encourage that, marriage counseling right now, its a joke.

She will tell EVERYONE the craziest stories, lies anything to garner support for the poor me routine she is living right now. The stories will change and get more bizarre by the way, once the world get bored with what she is saying now they will get more outlandish to keep the attention on herself. 

Dont indulge her game, if she isnt allowing you time with the child, get your lawyer involved in that. You are paying him to do that, dont just accept it or try to work it yourself. He has seen the game many times. Let him do his job, work in your best interests! Whether you want to reconcile or not is irrelovant currently, you need some distance from the firestorm before you can think clearly. And she is more than happy to torch you.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

sandc said:


> So your wife was manically trying to get you to get her pregnant? She probably is pregnant. Demand a paternity test if she is. If it's not yours do not sign the birth certificate.


OP, print this out and carry it with you. Read it every once in 5 minutes.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

I didn't even think of that, the implications... So maybe she already got pregnant and then wanted "me" to get her pregnant.

I wish this whole process didn't take so long. I'd really like to start moving on with my life.

Any tips on how to start moving on while you're still in the divorce process (with a child involved)?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Given the short term of your marriage you can be done quickly depending on the laws in your state with waiting times etc. In almost all states if both parties agree to a settlement the courts will just rubber stamp it and its done. 

Your biggest hangup will be child support and or custody of the child. Given the short term of the marriage only assets acquired during the marriage are subject to division. If you dna test the child and it isn't yours legally you aren't responsible for any support, she is then free to chase the true father. If it is your child you will need to have the lawyers work out the agreement. Encourage your attorney to push for a quick settlement, be proactive in getting a final agreement in place. Lawyers like to let these things hang in limbo for some reason till various dates start getting close.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

So my "wife's" mother came over to drop my son off for my visitation. Once again they are refusing to give me my proper time with him. But they brought me some of my mail. Not all of it (I still don't have my last paycheck).

But more importantly in the mail there was a denial letter for an application for a credit card. Denied due to too much debt to income. It was addressed to my "wife's" address. Of course I called the credit card company immediately and explained the situation. Only two people in this world know the personal info you would need for a credit card app. Me and her.

So they transfer me to fraud, have me record approval to release information to my lawyer and the police. Gonna move forward with this Monday! 

Like one of my friend's, whose gone through two divorces, has been telling me. Protect myself, don't do anything stupid, keep notes on everything and just keep 'giving her rope' until she hangs herself. This is the best news I've heard since we separated!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Even though the RO is still in effect, I suggest when it does get lifted you carry a VAR (voice activated recorder)on your person.

This recorder will protect you from false accusations and it will also record any promises she has made and help you keep track of what she is telling you versus what she tells other.

She will tell you one thing and then an hour later tell you something completely opposite of what she 1st told you. Having the conversations recorded will help see that she is in fact crazy. This tactic will help you from getting manipulated by her double talk . The recording our strictly for your personal use in prevent your self from going crazy when she tells you" I never said that" or "you told me this" 

Recording the conversation will help you keep things straight in your own mind while she continues to mind phuck you.

I strongly suggest that once you do start interacting with your STBXW you have this recorder on your person for your own protection.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

One more thing Rusty, guys like you and me come here all the time and go thru the same crap and in time many come back with up dates on how good life is moving forward.

Your time will come but with out a struggle and huge difficulty the rewards that are coming your way will be well worth it.

It will be a tough road but in the end the rewards you reap will be worth the sacrifice you have to deal with now.

Living life well will be your best revenge!

Never show your weakness and always be confident no matter how much you have to fake it at 1st...you know what they say..."fake it until you make it.

Hang in there brother...its not what knocks us down that counts, its how we get back up that matters.

Ok two more things....don't try to figure all this crazyness out it will drive you mad. I do suggest you educate your self with infidelity and it might give you some general ideas as to "why", but in the end, you can not put logic to something that not even your STBXW understands.

Take control of what you can control and let the other fall to the side. You have to much living to do to deal with nut jobs and the poeple that support these nut jobs


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hey if you feel like screwing with the OM you can contact his folks..and heres how.

Send them a message "asking for their support for your marriage". make it sound like you are try to wok things out with your wife and "there son is effecting the family unit with his adultous influence in your marriage"....

Also you can add in " no matter what you have heard they are just lies so as to continue the adultery and tear a young boys family apart"...also infom them that "you were very much married 3 years ago when this affair started" and 

Then finish up with "what ever influence you have in supporting my family would be greatly appreciated"...


Get the tactic here? 
Your not a vandictive ex husband but a guy fighting for his marriage and family. Your not telling the parent what a POS their boy is but asking for help from them....even though the M is toast the OM will surely get some sh1t from his folks for screwing around with a married women with a kid. hehehehe!

I strongly suggest you expose this crap to OM folks...you may find it empowering in a time when you think you have no power.. Plus the SOB has it coming!!!!!!!!!!!

Again look at my quotes and use them in your own exposure to the OM's parents.

Personally I think this POS is putting all this bull crap into your wifes head...enless she has a toxic friend that talked her into setting you up? Maybe the OM is telling her that if you go to prison then he , her and his son ( then one you are dad to) can take over your life.

My point to this is do think that your old lady set this all up on her own?


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Well she is living with her mother who has always had an irrational hatred of men. She also has one friend who was my "friend" until I found out that this particular person has known about the affair the entire time and encouraged her to participate. This "friend" also has cheated on her husband twice and they separated then got back together for their kids. She is a two-faced liar and for awhile I was using her to feed bullsh*t information to my "wife". Then I decided I needed to tell her she's not my friend and to leave me alone because I was going to get angry at her.

I don't know if she's still in communication with the other guy. From what I read in her accounts' trash folders, after she gave me permission to look at them to 'prove' that it was over, was that he told her everything was her fault and that he no longer wanted anything to do with her. Meanwhile she kept trying to continue the relationship and turn it into something serious. It never appeared to be going that direction, she was just acting out his sexual fantasies.

But then again I don't know.

Getting a VAR sounds like a good idea...

Also is there a post or something somewhere where I can read what all these acronyms you guys are using mean?

Thanks for all the support.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

There is a page for acronyms...it may be on the 'welcome to TAM newbies' thread or one of the stickies that welcome to the forum. 

As for general...a few to start with:
WS - wayward spouse
WW - wayward wife
WH - wayward husband
POSOM/W - piece of sh*t other man/woman
DD - discovery day
BW/H - betrayed wife/husband


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> She was there because she was depressed. I always chalked up her paranoia to low self-esteem and the fact that she couldn't/wouldn't talk to other people to being shy. I'm not going to get into more details here I will leave that for my lawyer and my therapist.
> 
> The restraining order was for 2 points, which I already discussed... * But since you didn't seem to read them before I will say them again. The day after I found out I threatened violence against my entire family. I regret it and would never do it but I made the threat. I am not violent. Being bi-polar does not make you violent. I don't know why you think that but you clearly don't understand bi-polar disorder. I have no history of violence.*
> 
> ...


Rusty, I was invited to hold two group sessions on two locked psychiatric units at a hospital, due to my clinical skills. It is virtually unheard of to have an outsider do this when they have a full staff of psychiatrists, psychologist, etc. I do this every other week. I work with BPD patients on a fairly regular basis. BPD patients tend to be the most violent on these units, initially, but when treated with medication, BPD patients calm down very quickly, more so then folks with other disorders. BPD patients typically do well on their medications. 

I will say this, if a BPD person is telling me that they are not violent, I could not take them at their word. I have too many experiences with this. I dealt with a BPD patient for over 4 years via telephone. I worked PT at a hospital from 1992 till 2000. My shift was pretty much every Thursday night for 12 hours for most of those years. I was introduced to a BPD patient in the beginning of my work there. This person liked me and would call me just about every Thursday night, threatening suicide or harm to someone. I had to work with the police who were called to this person's apartment when they were acting out threatening people (due to being off their meds). I had the ability to calm them down over the phone. Near the end of my time there it got to the point of where I would talk them into coming to the hospital for treatment. This person became worse. Eventually we had them placed in a permanent residential setting.

Currently I am working with a BPD person who lied to me about their sustance abuse. He wanted to kill a former roommate by hooking an electrical wire to the door and throwing water on the dude. He had it all planned out. He was evicted from his apartment because they found "crack", which he stated he does not use. He then tested positive for "crack". 

Take a good look at what you wrote. You threatened violence against your entire family.

The point I am trying to make is that you have made threats and whether you intend to act on these or not does not really matter, you made them. Your wife will use this against you and she already has.

And with a known diagnosis of BPD you are not going to be taken very seriously by the police or others under these circumstances. Once you threatened your family with violence and you said your "entire family", it is hard to put that genie back inside the bottle.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Been at TAM many years... Am I the only one whose "Spidey" Senses are Tingling"?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

RWB said:


> Been at TAM many years... Am I the only one whose "Spidey" Senses are Tingling"?


Mine are.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> Rusty, I was invited to hold two group sessions on two locked psychiatric units at a hospital, due to my clinical skills. It is virtually unheard of to have an outsider do this when they have a full staff of psychiatrists, psychologist, etc. I do this every other week. I work with BPD patients on a fairly regular basis. BPD patients tend to be the most violent on these units, initially, but when treated with medication, BPD patients calm down very quickly, more so then folks with other disorders. BPD patients typically do well on their medications.
> 
> I will say this, if a BPD person is telling me that they are not violent, I could not take them at their word. I have too many experiences with this. I dealt with a BPD patient for over 4 years via telephone. I worked PT at a hospital from 1992 till 2000. My shift was pretty much every Thursday night for 12 hours for most of those years. I was introduced to a BPD patient in the beginning of my work there. This person liked me and would call me just about every Thursday night, threatening suicide or harm to someone. I had to work with the police who were called to this person's apartment when they were acting out threatening people (due to being off their meds). I had the ability to calm them down over the phone. Near the end of my time there it got to the point of where I would talk them into coming to the hospital for treatment. This person became worse. Eventually we had them placed in a permanent residential setting.
> 
> ...


I take it you aren't referring to borderline personality disorder but bipolar, right? Well I have never been violent before but I did threaten my family. I can't take it back. I have no history of violence so I hope that helps. I always take my meds too. When I get manic my big problem is spending money that I shouldn't. I've been seeing a p-doc and a therapist for more than 10 years and have been stable for like 9 of them. I had an agreement with my wife that if I felt like I was manic, or she did, I would give her my debit card and that was that. She would give it back when we decided that it was safe for me to have access to our money again.

There is a lot of other stuff going on but I really don't want to become identifiable so I'm keeping it between my lawyer and myself. Like I've been told, if you give someone enough rope they will hang themselves. So my life is pretty much taken up with work (I work a lot of hours a week, like 60-80) and I documenting everything.

Thank you for responding I really do appreciate it. Do you think the fact that I have no violent history will help at all? I could easily get my p-doc and therapist to write letters stating I have never been violent (that they know of, of course). Should I do that?

I'm not sure what you mean by having your "spidey sense tingling" either...

Anyway, in the meantime I will keep gathering whatever evidence I can and document it all. I'll keep taking my meds (duh) and I will make sure I don't do something stupid like violate my restraining order. Somehow for some reason the relationship between my wife and I has been getting better. She is now using me as a baby sitter and giving me more time with our child which I am absolutely grateful for since she does not have to do this.

Like I said I do appreciate you replying but I have never threatened anyone before and I have no violent history at all. Well in 8th grade, so so many years ago, I got in a fight at school but that is it.

When I used to get depressed I would self-harm but that hasn't happened in 11 years. Not since I decided I needed professional help and I have been seeing a p-doc (psychiatrist or ARPN) and a therapist regularly since then. I have been practicing DBT for years and it has helped my life massively. It still does. But like I said, I'm not going to lie about it, I did threaten my entire family. I wish I could take it back but I can't. I have saved the posts on my phone and computer in case the judge wants to see it. I know my wife has deleted the Facebook account that the messages were attached to. I'm not stupid enough to think she didn't make screen shots first either. I know this will be her main point in the trial and I am prepared for the restraining order to be extended, even for a great length of time.

Anyway, I do appreciate you replying and I'll take whatever good I can out of what you wrote.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I do think any letter would help, after the restraining order. A letter from anyone you had for therapy who can attest to you not being violent would be a great help for you. Make sure you review the letter with your docs and therapists. And if you can get letters from others who know you. Keep in mind that anyone you get a letter from should be trusted by you and I would say to them, would you say this in court, because it could come to that and you don't want a letter from someone who will reverse themself in court.

Thanks for clarifying. You were coming across as a little trollish. 

I think you are doing great under the circumstances. 

Happy Thanksgiving Rusty.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Thanks again for the reply. All the stuff I've posted is true. This i my life now, it's one chaotic spinning mess.

I have recently gotten evidence that she has been attempting to commit several counts of identity theft and open credit cards in my name. I have all the details of when I called, who I called, the name of the person I spoke with, what they said, etc... That and I've put my skip tracing skills to work and have just been gathering evidence. I won't get to see my lawyer until Monday but I'm torn on what to do. I mean the evidence overwhelmingly points to it being her but I can't guarantee it (well I can maybe 99% guarantee it, but there's that sliver of doubt). And if it is here I don't know that I want to press charges. I grew up without a mom and I don't want to put my son in that position. I'm not sure if I'm acting stupidly though. I have already decided to simply take all my documentation to my lawyer on Monday and let him tell me what is best.

And then today. At 9:40 AM I got this message:

"Happy thanksgiving please stop thinking the worst of me I love u"

Sent from a phone number I don't recognize. So of course I am not going to respond, if it's her I'd be breaking the restraining order. I'm not sure why she is initiating contact with me now but my family have been telling me to ignore it, ignore everything she says, document it all, and move forward with my life. So I guess that's what I'll do.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Thank you Thorburn!!!!!

I won my restraining order case!!!!!

:lol::lol:

I'm so happy that this one step is over, and somehow I won! My lawyer kept telling me that I need to be prepared for the Commissioner to issue a 2 year protective order because of the threat I made. Turns out my wife only had 2 pieces of evidence, the threat, and a police report.

The police report was obvious garbage. The police wrote down that they "heard (me) screaming 'I'm going to kill myself'" repeatedly. Which never happened and was simply a complete lie. They also stated that my wife was present in the home. She was not there and I had pictures to prove it. (I was at my mother-in-laws house trying to get my son). After they wrote what they heard me say they then stated that they arrive on scene, I was in my vehicle, and never actually stepped foot on the property. So how did they hear what I said if they weren't even there? Stupid police! My lawyer killed evidence #2 with some objection!

Then for the threat. Well my wife copied and pasted it! She didn't ever screenshot it or take a picture of it! And that was her Facebook account that was filled with years of information about her affair. The one she completely deleted. So there was no way for her to prove I actually said that stuff. My lawyer said, "objection hearsay" and BAM it was gone!

We had 11 pieces of evidence, including 4 letters from psychological experts that I have seen over the last 5 years. Videos I made to prove that the police report was a lie. And one killer piece of evidence that I did screen shot; where she stated that whenever she is driving on the freeway in the car with us (me, my child, and herself) all she could think of doing was crashing into the cement barricade or oncoming traffic and killing us all.

He didn't even present a single piece of evidence because they had nothing! He says he will just save that evidence in-case it is needed for the divorce hearing.

Now I can go back to my house. I can talk to my wife (though I have no intention of talking to her ever again, at least for awhile, because I'm sure we will have to talk about our son). I can't get arrested anymore!

I feel like I'm finally a free man!

Oh what a wonderful day!

I'm sure it helps that I have a real lawyer who I have now paid $5000 and will be paying him more. And she had a state-appointed lawyer. Then they changed her lawyer. And, just today, just today on the day of the hearing _they changed her lawyer AGAIN._ The new lawyer had to represent FOURTEEN clients today! My lawyer was there for me.

I knew all the evidence he intended to present. We practiced on how to address the Commissioner, what I should say, when I should wait to get advice from him, so much stuff. And none of it mattered! :smthumbup:

Thanks again to everyone. Even when I feel like you are being negative I have found the positive in your posts and used it to bring that positive into my life!

Oh there is so much more going on but I'm not going to type it now.

Just once more, thank you guys so much!

Oh, and while I was there about 20 people in front of me presented their cases and every single one was awarded a protective order. Even the ones where it was clearly bull****. It was like a circus in there...


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> I can't get arrested anymore!


Don't be so sure. This one is far from over.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Don't be so sure. This one is far from over.


Well I haven't committed any crimes. I don't have a restraining order. I won't commit any crimes. Not sure how I could get arrested.

Meanwhile I have 6 credit cards that she attempted to open in my name. Two of them have joint applicants that my lawyer has now instructed me to call and inform them of the credit card fraud and to give them the phone numbers of the credit bureaus to get protected. Also to leave them my name and phone number in case they want to get in touch with me.

Also, and I will not explain this in any more detail, I had to call DCFS on her about a week ago due to... wounds on my 1 1/2 year old son's body that could not be explained. And I know she has been taking time off of work to take care of him so it can't be daycare... And there is much more to the story. There is now an active investigation and that is all they will tell me until they are done.

How would I get arrested now? I don't like hearing that it makes me worry. Is there something I should watch out for? Be extra careful about?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> Well I haven't committed any crimes. I don't have a restraining order. I won't commit any crimes. Not sure how I could get arrested.
> 
> How would I get arrested now? I don't like hearing that it makes me worry. Is there something I should watch out for? Be extra careful about?


She could make up a story that you abused her in some way or abused your children. 

Who knows maybe she's telling Children's Services that you're the one who inflicted the wounds on the children?

Don't think that because you're innocent you're in the clear.

You're in a war. Expect anything.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

lenzi said:


> She could make up a story that you abused her in some way or abused your children.
> 
> Who knows maybe she's telling Children's Services that you're the one who inflicted the wounds on the children?
> 
> ...


Ditto!


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

lenzi said:


> She could make up a story that you abused her in some way or abused your children.
> 
> Who knows maybe she's telling Children's Services that you're the one who inflicted the wounds on the children?
> 
> ...


I document everything, and I get everyone in the house to document everything. For reasons I can't explain there is always a minimum of one third party nurse in my home who is not involved and I get them to document everything as well. I take multiple pictures and my phone date and time stamps them.

I called DCFS to report what was happening. I sent them the 4 sets of pictures and let them make copies of all my documents, signed and dated, by at least 9 different people.

I am not worried about that. They have told me that they have assigned 2 investigators who do random visits to daycare, her house, and her mom's house every week. They are not coming to my house...

I grew up with DCFS in my house for four years before the state took my family away and broke us up. I am somewhat familiar with how they work and how painstakingly slow it is.

But I have an excellent lawyer who is involved in my case and I, honestly, don't feel afraid of any accusations she is making.

The most current accusation is that I am stealing her mail. I think this is happening because she is applying for credit cards in my name, still, but I now have mail forwarding so I get the letters straight here. She doesn't know I have mail forwarding, and being a little bit of an idiot, I didn't set it up until last Friday.

Thanks for the concern though. I will keep doing what I always do. Check him for wounds as soon as he arrives, and they have to sign him in, date, time, signature; every single time. Then if I find anything everyone documents it and I take a bunch of pictures. It shows that he arrived with the wounds... So I really feel pretty safe from such accusations.

I'm not sure what I would do if she accused me of abusing her but she accompanied me to many of my psychological visits because she wanted to talk to my psychiatrist and nothing about abuse or violence of any kind ever came up. I already have those letters... And if I abused her why would she never have reported it? And to take this long to report it...?

She is now on the internet asking people if they think she should just go to mediation and get it over with. She doesn't realize that "her" internet friends, some of them, are not her friends. They have known me much longer, trust me much greater, and contact me with everything. I have been asking them to encourage her into mediation just so we can get this f***ing divorce over with.

I still have lots of "negotiation tactics", as my lawyer calls them, that we didn't even have to present at the restraining order hearing because her lawyer just dropped everything once my lawyer destroyed all of his evidence.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

3putt said:


> Ditto!


A Voice Activated Recorder for self-protection?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> A Voice Activated Recorder for self-protection?


Never a bad idea.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

So if I do buy a VAR which one should I buy?

And what do I do with it? Carry it around in my pocket? Today in court was the first time I've seen her in 5 weeks. We don't talk. But I'm sure we are going to have to start talking, especially since there is no longer any restraining order.

Can you guys give me some tips on why I would want one, if it's legal to submit as evidence, what I would do with it, etc...?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> So if I do buy a VAR which one should I buy?
> 
> And what do I do with it? Carry it around in my pocket? Today in court was the first time I've seen her in 5 weeks. We don't talk. But I'm sure we are going to have to start talking, especially since there is no longer any restraining order.
> 
> Can you guys give me some tips on why I would want one, if it's legal to submit as evidence, what I would do with it, etc...?


Since you'll just be using it in her presence, it doesn't really matter which one you get. 

Hell, you can even tell her that you have it on your person so she doesn't get any bright ideas about trying to set you up with false DV charges or whatever. Once you inform her of this fact, your ass is covered legally all the way around; one party or two party state.

It's simply for your protection, not to try and catch her in a clandestine manner, so you won't be breaking any laws.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Dont think for a minute she wouldnt try the restraining order again. You got lucky today, she came unprepared as you said 20 cases before you with vague claims and they got the orders. 

Even if she doesnt win a permanent order, she can get these temp ones and make you spend money on lawyers. DO NOT talk to her or attempt to talk to her. Just steer clear and have your attorney handle all contact. That is your smartest move. Dont talk to her friends, avoid anything to do with her like the plague. all she has to do is get you alone once or say the wrong thing on the phone once and your in trouble again. 

Get your attorney working to get your divorce done as fast as he can, start making offers whatever. Your situation is ripe for war with a child in the middle. The longer it goes on the nastier it will become. Right now you dont want to talk to her, you dont want to deal with her start taking that mindset or its gonna be a long few months for you and plenty of drama.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

My attorney filed the divorce petition and parental rights agreement last Thursday. He said that since she is getting her lawyer from the Legal Aid Society they will force her to write her own petitions, or she will have to come up with money to hire a lawyer to write one (money she doesn't have).

I think I will get a VAR just in case... and I'll just tell her and her mother (who is much worse) that I am recording this conversation every time I talk to either of them. At the very least it will get them to stop asking me to "write down your driver's license for the lawyer" and other retarded ****.

Any suggestions on a VAR that won't cost me bank?

And yes my lawyer has already told me not to talk to them, or answer their questions. If they get pushy to tell them to call him.

I'll make sure I'm never alone with her... that sounds like some good advice.

I was going to call her tomorrow and offer to let her have our son for one day during my Christmas visitation. I thought it would be best for him if he got to spend time with her for Christmas as well. What if I called her on speaker phone, with 4 people around, and offer to let her have him for one day? Then get them to all document and sign? Would that just be asking for trouble?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> Any suggestions on a VAR that won't cost me bank?


Here's one for 60 bucks, and you can probably get it at Best Buy as well. Like I said though, as long as it works in their presence, it really doesn't matter what you get. You can even get one that you cut on manually for next to nothing. Just go to BB or Radio Shack.

Amazon.com: Sony Digital Flash Voice Recorder (ICD-PX312): Electronics


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Ok, you called protective services on her and yet you want her to have an extra day with the child during Christmas? She just hauled you into court on a restraining order that was false and it cost you major cash and now you want to reward her? 

Your child needs a stable environment, her and her family don't appear to be that. Why do you want to call her other than to hear her voice, maybe try to be the nice guy and be amicable? Right now for all you know you will call, you talk, she hangs up then immediately goes to courthouse and writes the petition stating you called and harassed her. She will get a temp order, most states hand them out like candy. 

The intent of the law is good but its application is flawed and abused and she has no problem with that. Listen to your lawyer, do not contact her. Both of you whether you realize it or not are still emotional from a court hearing and she is probably not thrilled she didn't get the order and now has protective services investigating her. 

You got time before Christmas, I Highly suggest you wait a few days and really think if your calling is a good idea. If you feel the pressing need to allow her an extra day have your lawyer call and set it up. Don't play with fire


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Thanks for the advice. I guess I just want to do what is best for my son.... but I don't want to put my feet in the fire


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Thanks for all the advice everyone. Getting the recorded has really paid off. Not only have the false police reports stopped but I've used it to record conversations with insurance companies and for the identity theft stuff. Been able to prove that she moved her and my son in with another man and never told me. Man I didn't realize that her getting a temporary protective order, based on her lies and no input from me, would set a precedent for how often I get to see my son and now we have to show proof that it's beneficial to break that precedent. These temporary protective orders are some real baloney. You don't have to present any evidence to get one and the other person can't respond in any way for months, and by then the precedent is set. Court is February 28th. She's seeking sole custody, which is just stupid. I've got a mass of proof about her affairs now. Including all of her phone and text records from subpoenaing T-Mobile. And all the stuff I got from her e-mail and internet history (posts on forums). Too bad she immediately erased her face book. The most horrible stuff I've ever had to face in my life was there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Also because of the temporary protective order I was forced to leave my house. Now I'm stuck paying the bills and she's changed the locks and I've been advised not to go to my own house until court gives me explicit permission.

I also told her I had the recorder and was going to record everything. I didn't have to do that according to my lawyer but it seemed like the best way to make her stop. We have co-civil restraining orders dictating what we can talk about as well, but neither of us followed it. Then just last week she had her lawyer (she got a real lawyer) file an official complaint that I was violating the civil restraining order. Good thing I had my recorder because it made them withdraw the complaint and modify the order so we can talk about nearly anything, though I won't talk to her at all anymore.

Thanks for so much great advice you guys!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> She was there because she was depressed. I always chalked up her paranoia to low self-esteem and the fact that she couldn't/wouldn't talk to other people to being shy. I'm not going to get into more details here I will leave that for my lawyer and my therapist.
> 
> The restraining order was for 2 points, which I already discussed... But since you didn't seem to read them before I will say them again. The day after I found out I threatened violence against my entire family. I regret it and would never do it but I made the threat. I am not violent. Being bi-polar does not make you violent. I don't know why you think that but you clearly don't understand bi-polar disorder. I have no history of violence.
> 
> ...


This is a WW justifying her affair. The RO is to get you out of the way so she can continue her affair.

And by the way affair sex is 99.99% of the time without protection. You must get a paternity test done.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

I won't get a paternity test done. I don't care what people say. I don't care about it. He calls me daddy, he hugs me, kisses me, demands that I hold him all the time, and I've raised him his whole life. Why do I need to have a paternity test done? Honestly, I don't want to know (but I desperately do...). I guess I'm just happy with what I believe.

Getting her phone records really didn't help, seeing her calling and texting other men fifteen times a day, every day, during the time he was conceived (or course always when I wasn't home). But he's still mine. Why should I put that at risk? Why should I risk never getting visitation again just to _know_ something? I know enough. I'm not going to lose my son.

I've lost enough. But I've moved on and found my life in a strange new place. Not sure how to deal with this new life, but it sure is a surprise!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need to know paternity for his benefit down the line regarding medical conditions and the like. But you are right. Even if you are not his father you are his daddy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

You are his daddy. But think what your wife has done till now- He calls you daddy and when he is older, your stbxW tells him that you are not the father. Why? Why has your cheated and tortured you till now? Coz she is cuckoo. Think how it will hurt the child. You have been given a wound that won't ever heal. You want that to happen to your kid too? These truths are weapons for her to be used at her whim. Take those away.

She is not your wife anymore. She is your mortal enemy. In medieval times, you would have buried a hatchet in her face. Since we are civilized people, destroy her in court and socially. Spread the knowledge in the whole town about what she did. Expose the OMs. Take away every friend she has. Years later you would not grieve about how she hurt you. *You would grieve about why didn't you repay her in the same currency*. Go rabid bro.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> *I won't get a paternity test done. I don't care what people say. I don't care about it.* He calls me daddy, he hugs me, kisses me, demands that I hold him all the time, and I've raised him his whole life. Why do I need to have a paternity test done? Honestly, I don't want to know (but I desperately do...). I guess I'm just happy with what I believe.
> 
> Getting her phone records really didn't help, seeing her calling and texting other men fifteen times a day, every day, during the time he was conceived (or course always when I wasn't home). But he's still mine. Why should I put that at risk? Why should I risk never getting visitation again just to _know_ something? I know enough. I'm not going to lose my son.
> 
> I've lost enough. But I've moved on and found my life in a strange new place. Not sure how to deal with this new life, but it sure is a surprise!


If you're not his bio Father and his bio Father has some kind of potentially fatal, but curable, hereditary disease??????........

But hey, as long as not knowing helps you feel better. That's what matters the most, right.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Is any of that worth risking losing all of my visitation rights and never seeing my son again?

Ask yourself that question.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> Is any of that worth risking losing all of my visitation rights and never seeing my son again?
> 
> Ask yourself that question.


As a father I understand how you feel. What we want is for *you* to know the truth. Would you want to live with the feeling for the rest of your life that the kid might not be yours? It will affect your feelings for him slowly but surely.Get a walmart dna kit, swab him without anyone knowing. You know the truth, you would be at peace. If he's yours, well and good. If he isn't yours, I'm sure you heart is big enough to still accept him as your son. 

Do what is right, not what you think you want.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Wal-Mart sells DNA test kits? Are they accurate? I guess I would like to know but I don't want him to know. I don't want him to wonder or feel any pain.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

Google it now. You would get reviews also. You need to know. It's essential.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

So it looks like it would be best to record the entire test, with witnesses, just in case. I can easily do that. And he'll never have to know. Maybe once he turns eighteen. Even then I don't know if I'd share the results with him. Not if he's not mine.

But what do I do if I find out he's not mine? Bring it to the courts? Then will he find out? I don't want him to find out. But, more importantly to me, I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE MY RIGHTS TO VISITATION.

Does everyone understand that? I will not lose my right to see my son, even if he's not "biologically" mine. He hugs me, kisses me, plays with me, laughs and laughs, calls me "dadda", and he loves me. I will not do anything to risk losing that.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

Keep the knowledge to yourself. It's one less thing to worry about. When he is an adult, let him know. He would appreciate your love for him more. You got enough evidence to nail her for adultery in the court. With a mom like that, he would definitely need you. Love is stronger than blood. Remember that. 

If you aren't bi, let me give you a platonic hug.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> So it looks like it would be best to record the entire test, with witnesses, just in case. I can easily do that. And he'll never have to know. Maybe once he turns eighteen. Even then I don't know if I'd share the results with him. Not if he's not mine.
> 
> But what do I do if I find out he's not mine? Bring it to the courts? Then will he find out? I don't want him to find out. But, more importantly to me, I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE MY RIGHTS TO VISITATION.
> 
> Does everyone understand that? *I will not lose my right to see my son, even if he's not "biologically" mine. He hugs me, kisses me, plays with me, laughs and laughs, calls me "dadda", and he loves me. I will not do anything to risk losing that*.




You are a good man, Rusty. And the world we have built will punish you for that.

Be prepared.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

I love all of you guys. Really I do. I don't know if you can fully appreciate all of the support I've gotten from all of you. It means so much to me.

Tomorrow I'll buy a kit from Wal-Mart and on my next visitation day I'll do the test. Then eventually find out. It will be hard for me but oh God do I pray to find out what I want to find out. If not it won't matter, anyway.

But at least I'll know.

Never give up, never give him up, never surrender.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

The kid needs you. His mom would make him a monster. Teach him how to be a man, and most importantly not to ever fall for someone like his mom.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

He's so independent! Even at a year-and-half-old! Demands to feed himself. Put his coat on by himself. Dress himself. Sit on the potty by himself.

Honestly, I will be devastated if he's not mine. But at the same time I will not let anything change. I'll love him forever.

Here he is, after I got home from work.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Hmm, so the picture post didn't work. But it is so cute! Little guy hugging his stuffy in bed.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

Why should you be devastated? You love him, he loves you, so he's your son. What's your penis gotta do with it?


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Yes, what does it have to do with it? But it does, anyway. Even if I don't want it to.

But at the same time it doesn't matter. I decided a long time ago that it doesn't matter. I'll never stop loving him. He's my favorite thing in the world. I make videos of him every time I get to see him so that I'll have something to watch and listen to until I get to see him next time.

Things are less confusing now. But they are still confusing. I doubt that will ever end. Ten years together? Ends in one day, in one hour. Worst day of my life. But my son, he's mine. Waking up every day to cook him (and her) breakfast. Cook them both dinner every night. Taught him so much. Get me my hugs and kisses. Watch him dance to stupid Nick Jr. "bands" and other music. Swing him around until he's too dizzy to stand up, then hold him up while he laughs and stumbles. So much. That will never go away.

I'm glad I can get a private test just so I can know. I don't know if I'll ever tell him. But that is so, so, so many years into the future. I'll be much older, (hopefully) so much more mature, intelligent, and capable of doing the right thing. The truly right thing.

At least in my state he is considered a state resident so she can't move him out of state, or even more than fifty miles from me, without my permission and a judges permission. She'll never get that so I will always be able to see him. Hell she can't even take him out of state without it being kidnapping. Not without my permission. Which, at this point, with all the evilness, the spite, the anger, and the insanity, I will never grant to her.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

That's the spirit. The hair on your balls grew back, eh?


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Heh, yes it did. And all of you helped me so much! I'm so happy I found this place!


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

Sort yourself and your boy out. Don't bother with your stbxW. You have only one direction to move- ahead. Pm anyone you want if you need help or advice.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Well I've moved on. Five dates since then, but I didn't like the crazy. I'm not into sex on the first date. I really don't appreciate crazy women telling me that I'm not a real man because I won't do something I WON'T do on the first date. But, strangely enough, a girl (she's just a girl to me) has been chasing me for awhile. Then I got set up on a blind date, and guess who was there, her. Blind date for me, right? But fifteen years age difference seems hard to get over. Who knew that some girl, so much younger than me, would be interested? I feel like such a cad. But I like her for a lot of reasons. She's tough, not intimidated by anyone, sexy, and doesn't pressure me. And, I have to admit, I would love to rub it into my ex's face. Is this a mid-life crisis? Something else? Who knows. I'm just going to take things a day at a time.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

Keep dating. Someone really special would come who would stare into your eyes, take you in her arms and... grab your @ss.  :rofl:


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Really, I just want someone who will love me the way I love. No games, no cheating, no worrying about staying at home just to make sure they aren't f***ing some other guy. No telling me I can't have friends who are women. (Happily married women that I've been friends with for 10+ years.... for Christ's sake!) And I never want to go to a party again and have my wife get wasted and spend the entire time hitting on other guys. But, I know all the red flags by now, I know what to not ever put up with again, it's all been a learning experience.

If I wasn't such a fool I would have figured everything out so much sooner. But trust can be abused.

Yes, trust. I have so many trust issues now. I don't want to have them. I promised myself I wouldn't have them. I've worked at getting rid of them. But they just won't seem to go away.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

The girl (yes girl to me) that I'm dating now is really upset that I wear my old wedding ring around my neck on a chain. But it doesn't mean anything romantic. It's my reminder. My reminder of what to look for, to look out for. It's my reminder of how to be a better husband, a better father, a better boyfriend. To remind myself of ten years of my life that will never go away.

I guess if it keeps upsetting her I'll take it off but I wish she'd realize it means nothing romantic to me, it's just there to help me learn.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

Aren't we all in the same boat?

Get some sleep. It's almost morning.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Yes but I often work the graves. Since that's when most of the **** goes on. I'm PD so I deal with a lot of ****. Half of my partners care about everything, half of them let the small stuff go with a stern warning (like me). I don't want to ruin someone's life over something that I think is inconsequential but I run the risk of losing my job every time I do that. Whatever, I'm not going to do this for the rest of my life. My lawyer told me not to go back to school, and to get every day off I can, to get better visitation. So I'm stuck in that boat for now. I really don't get paid enough to deal with all the **** I have to deal with.

Can't wait to finish school. Two more semesters and I'll have my Bachelor's in software development. Make so much more money doing something I love! Not that I don't love my job, I really do. But more money to do something else I love to do, and I mean WAY more money, would be awesome.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Pawn the wedding ring, it sends the wrong message..............even to you. It totally makes it look like you are in denial.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Heh, well I'm not in denial anymore! But why screw up something good for a little token eh? So it's gone, back into my piggy bank where it can stay with my pennies.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> You need to know paternity for his benefit down the line regarding medical conditions and the like. But you are right. Even if you are not his father you are his daddy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Second this. You need to know. All those records indicate WW was cheating back then. You will always be bonded to your son.

Get the DNA test done.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

rusty,
I'm afraid the restraining order, which happened only after you called her a name, was a lying ass ploy to get it on record simply to get you at a disadvantage if it came down to divorce with the courts.

Sickening isn't it. That all a woman has to do is claim some lying bullshyte, and you get treated like a criminal.

Anyway, as far as not sticking to the visitation schedule, you can have her in contempt of court for that in most places. I'd have your attorney look into it.



> should I do what my lawyer, my family, my friends, all say and just divorce her?


YES!!!!!!



> What about my son? He's all I really care about anymore and I want him to have a happy family not like the family I grew up in.


That's not on you. That is on your cheating, lying, good for nothing but a fk doll of a wife. (sorry, stories like this piss me off)

She did this to the family, not you.

And what is your alternative? Stay with a woman you will never be able to trust that will cheat again? And she will cheat again.

If you stay with a "woman" like this, you'll probably develop stomach cancer. Not only did she cheat on you, she lied and sought to get you treated like a criminal. She doesn't even like you let alone love you. Trust me, she is thinking to herself right now how nice it would be to be single so she can freely, without confrontation from you, go out and f**k as many guys as she can. And no, that isn't enough in the courts eyes for you, as a man, to get custody of your son. They don't care if she is a ****, as long as she isn't doing it in front of him.

Listen to your lawyer, and tell him/her to do whatever they have to do to make sure she doesn't get anything more than she is entitled. 1/2 the marital assets. Get her to accept less if you can, but not more. And decline any alimony if at all possible, use infidelity if you can there and get a record of all her facebook messages, posts, that show what kind of wench she is.

Then give it all to your lawyer and let him/her take it from there.

EDIT: ah, I see a lot has transpired. Not sure if you are divorcing, I'm assuming you are since you are dating someone else.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Filed for divorce on December 4th. Now I'm just playing the waiting game.

Lots of waiting.

And unfortunately she deleted her facebook profile immediately after I read it so that stuff is gone. But I got my computer before he UPD served me with my temporary protective order and that was a goldmine of evidence.

Plus I have witnesses to call.

And other evidence from subpoenas.

Man it costs a lot more money to get divorced then it did to get married!


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

So long as we can prove it is an at-fault divorce, which is what I filed, and I don't think that is going to be a problem there won't be any alimony. And if it is accepted as at-fault I get 65% of the assets. But it means nothing for custody or visitation. That is an entirely separate battle. One worth fighting!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Can you give details about subpoenas. We try to get folks to get subpoenas for texts, emails and social media and it almost always ends up in arguements about what can be done.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

I got all of her phone records and text records from T-Mobile. They were very cooperative. It cost $500. I don't get the content of the texts but it also includes every picture message sent, identified as a picture being sent. It has dates and times and is over 2000 pages so it's a big job to go through it all.

Facebook won't respond to subpoenas. If you do issue them a civil subpoena they immediately delete everything so they can say they don't have it. Even if you take them to court there is nothing you can do. Yes, they sure do care about privacy, except when they are selling all of your personal information to any and every corporation in the world.

Google is waaaay past the date they had to respond to the subpoena. But that one hardly matters because I got a ton of screenshots from her trash folder. Apparently she wasn't aware that you have to empty the trash folder. I have no idea if google will ever respond and I don't have the money to take them to court.

If you have any specific questions ask away!


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

If anyone wants to know how I identified the phone numbers it was a three step process and cost me around $800 total for about thirty numbers. Most were wastes of money but some were useful. I already knew the main culprits phone number so I didn't have to waste money on that but there were other guys. Called and texted 50-100 times in two weeks then, bam, it stops. Or weirder stuff. Months, off and on, but when she was talking to them it was like 50 calls and texts in a day. Always while she was at work or I wasn't home.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

you're making great progress.
keep it up!


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

You ain't rusty no more. Getting the shine back


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> Man it costs a lot more money to get divorced then it did to get married!


But it costs you so much more to be married to someone like your stbX-wife.

Its called cutting your losses and stopping the bleeding.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> Man it costs a lot more money to get divorced then it did to get married!


It sure can. My ex wife was a spendaholic. Her spending habits were a big part of what led to the conflict that led to divorce.

Between the house that she got, and monies I paid at settlement, and her share of the retirement assets, and spousal support, and a bunch of other court ordered expenses, my divorce cost me about 1.7 million dollars. She probably wouldn't have spent that much if I just said nothing and accepted it over the next 30 years. 

Sometimes I wonder if that would have been the better choice, but deep down I know I never would have been happy.

You can't put a price on happiness, or at the very least, peace and quiet and the ability to control your own life.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)




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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> Court in seven days. I've invited her family to come. Because then they will have to hear, and face, the truth.


You might want to lower your expectations a bit. Court isn't like it is in the movies.

You might not even get in front of the judge. It could be adjourned, it could be delayed. You could wait around for hours only to be told to come back another day because the schedule was too full. The judge may want to conference only with the attorneys. Even "if" you get on the stand it's not like the truth will come out and shine above all else. You'll be asked some questions by your own attorney, but you'll also be cross examined by the adversary's attorney who will use their skills to try to stump you and twist the meaning of your words to damage your credibility. Your wife will probably lie, and twist and come out with complete and utter fabrications and you'll be sitting there stewing and shaking your head even though you will have been advised not to show any emotions when you're sitting in the court room, because it looks really bad to the judge when people do that. 

She's going to have her story, you will have yours. Just because you know what's truth and what's fiction doesn't mean the courts or anyone else who happens to be listening are going to figure it out.

Unfortunately since you have already been served with an RO, the burden of proof is on you to show why it's bogus and should be repealed. And it's going to be tough, given that you admit you threatened your family. You can bet the opposing attorney is going to have a field day with that one. It's not going to be easy to get that turned around.

You'll be lucky if the judge gives you as much as one visit to the house under police supervision to retrieve a few more of your personal items.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

I've already won the protective order case. There is no protective order. What a relief that was. A HUGE load off of my shoulders. I've been told my ex won't be taking the stand as it will be too easy to lead her into damaging territory. I guess we'll see.

The first court, for the protective order, was different then I expected. I've only been to court one other time but that was as a witness and all they did was put my witness statement into evidence. Not even sure why I had to show up.

The real harm from the temporary protective order was it kept me out of my house and kept me from seeing my son. This established two precedents: 1) She gets to live in the house while I pay for it. And 2) My son is "used to" living with his mother so why change it?

But all of that stuff, the protective order stuff, is gone.

New stuff has come up now. So maybe mediation will work.

She works for an insurance company, the same company where we both had our insurance through. Because of this, because I'm her spouse, my records are confidential. Whenever I called the insurance company I had to be put on hold for fifteen to twenty minutes while they got someone high up on the food chain who could access my records.

Somehow my ex got all of my medical records and turned them into court. Nothing bad. Yes I have bi-polar disorder. It's not a secret. But the documents were printed at her work. It says it right at the top... Which means that her top supervisor had to have printed them, or maybe she got on her bosses computer and printed them herself. Either way you can't steal someones medical information. All she had to do was subpoena it... but that costs money. So it's a HIPPA violation. At the very least I can use that to cost her her job, and I've been told that this is something (unlike the identity thefts) that they will prosecute.

But here's how my lawyer is moving forward. In our requests for the temporary orders (that is next friday) he is requesting that neither of us break the HIPPA laws to get medical information for the court. Duh. No need to have that in there because it's illegal anyway and I have no idea what the judge will even think about it. But she will know what it means. And hopefully her lawyer, Mr. Ed, will know what it means too. My lawyer says the goal right now is to "encourage" them to work with me in mediation. Which means give me 50-50 visitation with my son and all is golden.

If that fails then move forward by having her company open an investigation into a HIPPA violation and file charges with the police.


And I don't want a war with anyone. But if you really want to post in this thread then how about YOU say something with some actual content instead of me having to ask you what you're "really" "secretly" trying to say.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> I've already won the protective order case. There is no protective order. What a relief that was. A HUGE load off of my shoulders. I've been told my ex won't be taking the stand as it will be too easy to lead her into damaging territory. I guess we'll see.
> 
> The first court, for the protective order, was different then I expected. I've only been to court one other time but that was as a witness and all they did was put my witness statement into evidence. Not even sure why I had to show up.
> 
> ...


You can sue the company for the HIPPA. Get an attorney who works in that area.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> Somehow my ex got all of my medical records and turned them into court. So it's a HIPPA violation. At the very least I can use that to cost her her job, and I've been told that this is something (unlike the identity thefts) that they will prosecute.


She's got a lousy attorney and you've got a huge negotiating edge with the HIPPA violation.



rustytheboyrobot said:


> If that fails then move forward by having her company open an investigation into a HIPPA violation and file charges with the police.


HIPAA violations are not typically considered criminal and are not handled by the police.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

lenzi said:


> HIPAA violations are not typically considered criminal and are not handled by the police.


Actually, the DOJ in 2005 did begin to consider a 'knowing' violation of HIPAA laws a crime, and a *severely* punishable one as well. But, as you stated, it's not a matter that's handled by any local jurisdiction. THIS is handled by federal folks who take these violations quite a bit more seriously than cops.

One helluva bargaining chip here.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

3putt said:


> Actually, the DOJ in 2005 did begin to consider a 'knowing' violation of HIPAA laws a crime, and a *severely* punishable one as well. But, as you stated, it's not a matter that's handled by any local jurisdiction. THIS is handled by federal folks who take these violations quite a bit more seriously than cops.
> 
> One helluva bargaining chip here.


You are correct. If a HIPAA violation is intentional (many or even most are not- but this one is), then it can be prosecuted as a criminal case, by the appropriate federal officials.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

lenzi said:


> You are correct. If a HIPAA violation is intentional *(many or even most are not- but this one is)*, then it can be prosecuted as a criminal case, by the appropriate federal officials.


Yep, the 'knowing' part is the kicker. She really fvcked up here. Just the mere threat of this should be sufficient enough to settle this matter quite nicely.

ETA- Okay, don't really mean threaten, but making her acutely aware of her little self created situation.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Then again I can't help but wonder.

The feds would surely take a hardline stance at a company, or medical professional, or hospital, or some other organization that intentionally exploited patient medical records for financial gain. Or a doctor's office who intentionally ignores HIPAA requirements and places patient medical information in danger. Or someone who throws a bunch of medical records in a dumpster rather than shredding them. These actions can and are considered criminal. 

But in a case of a wife who somehow obtains copies of a husband's medical records to build a case against him in divorce court? I wonder if it's going to be looked at in the same light. The Feds just might decide it's not something they really want to pursue. 

This is complete conjecture on my part, but as a medical professional who is rather well versed in HIPAA requirements, penalties, etc.. I haven't seen any cases that involve divorcing spouses. That doesn't mean there isn't any..but HIPAA enforcement is a relatively new area.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

lenzi said:


> Then again I can't help but wonder.
> 
> The feds would surely take a hardline stance at a company, or medical professional, or hospital, or some other company or organization that intentionally exploited patient medical records for financial gain.
> 
> ...


You're probably a lot more right than wrong. Either way, I don't think it really matters that much in our case here. The premise than I'm working is that she's not aware of any of this (Hell, if she were she never would've done it to begin with). 

We both know that she would never go to her employers for advice on this, so she would more than likely rely on internet research for corroboration.

I don't think she would like what she finds on any AMA web page.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

3putt said:


> We both know that she would never go to her employers for advice on this, so she would more than likely rely on internet research for corroboration.
> 
> I don't think she would like what she finds on any AMA web page.


Right. He's got some leverage for sure.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Hey folks, sorry I was temporarily banned for insulting another member. Glad it was only temporary.

Yeah in our response to the temporary order request my lawyer put in a request that the judge put in an order that neither of us violate HIPPA to gather information for the court. He told me it was ridiculous and would never be granted, because it's already illegal, but it was there to "let them know that we know."

The day after they got the response she "got new legal representation." Don't know if her lawyer dropped her or she dropped him. :rofl:

Anyway now she has a bankruptcy attorney representing her. Not sure what this means or what would happen to our assets should she file bankruptcy. Not really sure why a bankruptcy attorney is taking up divorce cases, but I guess she practices law.

And she (my ex) is well aware of HIPPA. Having been a pharmacy tech for thirteen years. And with her current job, 4 years, they had a half-day meeting about HIPPA every month. She told me all about it.

I've been looking up lawyers who will take my HIPPA violation case. We'll see how mediation goes now. My temporary order hearing got postponed until March 11th because of the new legal representation so more playing the waiting game.

Friday my ex sent me a text message saying she wanted to meet. I said sure, we can meet in a public place and I will place my recorder on the table and we can talk like rationale adults, after we clear it with the lawyers. I'd like to talk. She responded four hours later, "never mind, it was a stupid idea." Not sure if she realizes how her stupidity is finally catching up with her.

I went in and filed a report on the identity thefts last Thursday. I knew going in there that nothing would come of it but I needed to file the report before March 1st. Wasn't a fun experience as the female detective, who refused to give me her name, and wasn't in uniform, spent twenty minutes interrogating me and accusing me of staging the identity thefts to implicate my ex. Apparently I was too organized. Called me a liar countless times and lectured me about what a POS I was due to the temporary protective order. Good times.

She (the female detective) even told me she was going to call my wife and ask her if I did the identity thefts. I told her that wasn't being very objective and was pretty much a leading question to ask.

I talked to my lieutenant about it and he said he would go to bat for me. Not sure what the hell the report is going to contain but I'll get a copy in 9 more days for a whopping $10 bill.

More updates to come. Still sifting through the phone records using my mad skip tracing skills to locate names and addresses.

Have my son, long shift today. Someone tried to stab me. First time that's happened.

Better get to sleep since he will undoubtedly wake me up at 7am and demand I take him to the park to swing. Can't wait!

Appreciate all the support from the supportive people!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Keep pushing through this mess Rusty.

Eventually you will get to the bottom.

Your son is worth it......


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

thanks for checking in.
enjoy your time with your son!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

> Have my son, long shift today. Someone tried to stab me. First time that's happened.


What kind of work puts you at risk of being stabbed? Yikes.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Report the lady detective to internal affairs.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Court is tomorrow morning. Spoke with my lawyer earlier today. Apparently her lawyer is now trying to negotiate an agreement with us. They are willing to give me every single thing I asked for except for one. And of course it's the only one that matters, custody. I want joint and she wants sole custody. My lawyer says they are still open to negotiations and he will be emailing her lawyer all evening and will be meeting with her tomorrow morning before court to see if we can reach an agreement. I told him that in negotiations I will not accept anything but joint custody. I don't care about money, I can make more money. I can't make more time to watch my son grow up. So stressed out
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> My lawyer says they are still open to negotiations and he will be emailing her lawyer all evening and will be meeting with her tomorrow morning before court to see if we can reach an agreement


Expect negotiations to continue right into the courthouse hallway. It's stressful. BIGTIME. You sit there in the hallway, missing work, pondering your future, trying not to look at your ex, as the attorneys fees continue to mount, and the bailiffs sit around chatting because hey for them it's just another day, and then suddenly one attorney says to the other "can we talk", they disappear for a while, then your attorney comes back and says 'This is what it will take to settle this" and you need to make a decision in 5 minutes that can affect you for the next 15 years of your life.

Lots of divorces settle this way. If you hash out a deal, you walk into the courtroom and the judge is told a settlement has been reached and he asks you and your wife if you agree and if so you get to leave early and save tons of money and time.

Maybe you can work out a settlement that gives you very liberal visitation if that works for you. If getting joint custody is a long shot you just might have to make a deal. Be realistic. It won't be like it was when you were married.

At this point it's damage control. If you don't think a court is going to rule in your favor, it's in your best interests to work it out with your ex. Settlements tend to bring out an amicable, civil relationship going forward, which is in everyone's best interests. Court battles make the animosity much worse and makes future dealings much more difficult. If your ex is going to fight you on that one point maybe it's because she's reasonably certain she's going to win.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Well I've definitely never done this before so thanks for helping me know what to expect. I'm not worried about paying my lawyer more money. It's simply a non-issue for me. I'm not going to let that cloud my thinking. If they make an offer that is better than sole custody I will listen and talk to my lawyer about what to do. If sole custody is the best they can do then I really don't see what I can lose by turning their offer down and going before the judge. I don't see the judge ordering anything worse than sole custody in anything I actually care about so it's worth a shot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> Well I've definitely never done this before so thanks for helping me know what to expect.


Yeah, I expected the courts to function efficiently and smoothy. And fairly. I'd never have expected to wait months for a court date and then sit around all morning, sometimes being turned away because the calandar was too full and they didn't get to me, or some other unexpected delay. And even when you get in there sometimes hardly anything is done other than the judge saying 'come back in a month with this or that piece of documentation'. Then you walk out of there thinking it's going to take years to resolve this, and sometimes it does. Sometimes you walk in there with certain expectations, or at least a range of "best possible outcome" vs "worst case scenario" and you walk out of there in defeat with your head spinning because let's face it, judges are people too, they make mistakes, they're biased and maybe even corrupt, and they can be wildly unpredictable. 



rustytheboyrobot said:


> I'm not worried about paying my lawyer more money. It's simply a non-issue for me...If sole custody is the best they can do then I really don't see what I can lose by turning their offer down and going before the judge.


Well, either you're rich or you're just taking the position that you'll spend every dime you have to fight for as much of your daughter as you can get. If it's because you're rich, then, yes, aside from the years it could take to resolve this with the courts, and the emotional anguish it will bring to all parties, you're right, you've probably got nothing to lose. But as I'm writing this, I'm coming back to edit this post and add a thought. What if the judge IS very biased and favoreable towards woman, and rather than getting liberal visitation, she gets sole custody and you get 2 weekends a month and maybe 2 week days?

Since you want to fight it out, you oughta do some research and see how this judge typically rules.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

That was my phone's auto-correct trying to help me. I edited the original post almost immediately but looks like you got to it before I fixed the auto-correct. I've still got $12k left from two 401k's but several of my very well to do relatives have offered to gift me substantial sums of money to pay my lawyer. I've never thought of researching the judge before. My lawyer has been before him before and he says that this is a better judge and commissioner for us then the last one we were going to appear before. It's only the temporary orders hearing so I'll see how things go and listen to my lawyer. I really don't see the ex being cooperative except that she knows she's in between a rock and a hard place right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Updates from court:

I don't have to pay her any alimony and she either moves out of the house or starts paying all of the mortgage and utilities. Negotiated by my lawyer. Negotiations continue...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> Updates from court:
> 
> I don't have to pay her any alimony and she either moves out of the house or starts paying all of the mortgage and utilities. Negotiated by my lawyer. Negotiations continue...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm glad to see a BS get fast and positive action in the courts, for a change.

If/when she moves out, CHANGE THE LOCKS.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Court is over. Negotiation was successful. Going out for breakfast! I'll write up what happened later. Thanks for your support everyone!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> Court is over. Negotiation was successful. Going out for breakfast! I'll write up what happened later. Thanks for your support everyone!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We need some good news here.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Been a long time since we've heard good news.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

So court was pretty similar to last time. But less sitting around and waiting while other people had their cases heard. There were only three cases before the judge today, including mine, and I was second. My lawyer sent me in to stand up and let the judge know we were here and that the lawyers were in negotiations and then sit back down. Kept waiting and after the second and last case was heard before they re-called mine and I told the judge that the lawyers were still in negotiations. She put the court in recess so I waited outside. The ex was there and kept staring straight ahead refusing to look at me. She looks like crap. Her eyes are soooo bloodshot. She chopped off most of her hair. But she bought new shoes so everything must be fine. 

I was feeling pretty happy with how things were going so far. Laughing with my dad.

Another hour went by with my lawyer occasionally checking with me to see if I would agree to certain things and him chuckling about how her lawyer didn't know anything (she's a bankruptcy attorney, don't know what she's doing represent my ex in divorce...). She wanted me to pay half of her car payment (for the car she bought before we were married). We paid together on that car, big payments, so there is like $7000 in equity in the car. My lawyer told me that he thought he could make the car a marital asset if I agreed to pay half of the car payment and that it would be good for me because then I'd own half of her car. So I agreed to that. Now I own half of her car 

Eventually negotiations were done and we went back into the courtroom and our case was immediately called back up. Sat and listened to my lawyer read everything. Her lawyer actually interrupted him at one point to "clarify" things and made them better for me and worse for her... idiot.

So I get joint custody! And there is no "veto" power for her. If we can't reach a mutual agreement regarding our son then we have to go back to court and let a judge decide. Apparently they could have gotten that veto power but never asked for it... My lawyer thinks that they didn't even know about it. My visitation only increases by four overnights a month though. I wanted more but my lawyer told me to take this. I was asking for the right of first refusal so that she couldn't take our son to daycare without calling me first and seeing if I could watch him but they refused to give that to me. Apparently getting more overnight visits is what is important though because that is what is counted for permanent visitation schedules. So I would have seen my son more with the right of first refusal but with more overnights I will get him more once the divorce is final.

She is staying in the house and paying the full mortgage and utilities. This will save me a ton of money and the house is still 50% mine so now she's paying to build up my equity. My lawyer said that he was going to call this spousal support unless they objected. They didn't. Not sure how she is going to pay for it but I'll just assume that her boyfriend who lives with her (which she denies but I'm not stupid) is going to pay half.

I pay child support of roughly $520 a month. Pay half of our credit card bills. He got her to agree to pay for all of his health insurance somehow... So that's like $240 a month.

I don't have to pay for her car insurance anymore. Finally there's an order in place to keep her from "disposing" of my property. Though a ton of it is already gone. My lawyer tells me that she'll have to pay me for the property that is missing.

Think that about wraps it up. Oh and they are apparently now eager for mediation and want to settle everything there. I think she might be running on fumes to pay her lawyer. Makes me tempted to drag this out... But I'd rather be divorced then married to her for another minute.

Would celebrate tonight with a few stiff drinks but I get my son tomorrow!

My ex called me after court to ask me if I would take my regular old visitation for this week because she, "made a bunch of plans, uhh I mean I have to work." Still lying to me every time we talk. I told her I needed to think about it and I would call her tonight. Talked to my lawyer and he told me to never voluntarily give up my visitation. So I'll call her tonight and say no, I'm coming over tomorrow morning to pick up my son, but if you want I'll take him the whole weekend to so you can go party. Not gonna turn down more time to watch my son grow up!

Time to finish sending text messages to everyone. Feeling great today though!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

That's great news. You made out well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

Allow me to highlight a few heartwarming lines: 



rustytheboyrobot said:


> Makes me tempted to drag this out... *But I'd rather be divorced then married to her for another minute.*
> 
> I'm coming over tomorrow morning to pick up my son, but if you want I'll take him the whole weekend to so you can go party. *Not gonna turn down more time to watch my son grow up!*



Wish you a great life ahead, Rusty.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Thanks *carpenoctem* and everybody else who hasn't directly insulted me, for whatever reason you thought it was appropriate.

Got some advice from a co-worker at work today about her having a bankruptcy attorney representing her. Guess it's important to claim that anything and everything possible (in my state) is spousal support? Is that why my lawyer did that? She suggested that my lawyer hasn't talked to me about that possibility (her filing bankruptcy just to screw me over) is because he doesn't want to add to my stress right now and he didn't want to spoil my good day.

Read a lot about bankruptcy and divorce in my state on my phone while I was supposed to be doing paperwork tonight. Sounds like I need to get my lawyer to add in very specific language to the divorce decree to protect myself in case she is just planning on filing bankruptcy in the immediate future... Read some good tips on what to suggest my lawyer says. Sure hope he's dealt with this before, otherwise I'll just start giving him suggestions and tell him to do some research and bill me for it.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Yeah, I expected the courts to function efficiently and smoothy. And fairly. I'd never have expected to wait months for a court date and then sit around all morning, sometimes being turned away because the calandar was too full and they didn't get to me, or some other unexpected delay. And even when you get in there sometimes hardly anything is done other than the judge saying 'come back in a month with this or that piece of documentation'. Then you walk out of there thinking it's going to take years to resolve this, and sometimes it does. Sometimes you walk in there with certain expectations, or at least a range of "best possible outcome" vs "worst case scenario" and you walk out of there in defeat with your head spinning because let's face it, judges are people too, they make mistakes, they're biased and maybe even corrupt, and they can be wildly unpredictable.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Well he's my son, and I didn't actually have to appear before the judge (can you imagine her mother, who thinks I'm "delusional", hearing all of the evidence my lawyer and I have gathered? And her crazy @ss having to listen to the reality train?), and the HIPPA stuff never was even mentioned, but I'm sure it had it's intended effect. The ex has never been as nice to me since I left her as she was today. All day.

Hope that things can somehow work out for other people as well as they worked out for me today. So that's two court appearances, and I'm counting it as two wins. Never imagined that things would ever go this well


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> Guess it's important to claim that anything and everything possible (in my state) is spousal support? Is that why my lawyer did that?


Spousal support is deductable on your income tax return.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

I'm not paying any spousal support. That was part of the negotiation. But my lawyer labeled everything she paid and had an interest in as "spousal support" because her lawyer never objected. In my state a bankruptcy court won't discharge a debt labeled as spousal support in any way. I think he did it to offer me some level of protection should she file. But I don't meet with him again for a little while. When I do I'll ask him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

And I do realize that I'll have higher income tax due to this. Since I'm now "receiving" spousal support. Read up on it last night. Not sure what the full implications are yet though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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