# how long would you wait for your signifiacant other to commit



## lovie (Feb 17, 2009)

Ok, so my best friend had asked me some questions about this issue, and I didnt exactly know what to tell her. I was hoping that some of you could give some advice...

So the scoop is, that she has been with her boyfriend since she was 17, so almost 5 years. They have talked about marriage, and he wants to wait untill after collage...and when he finds his career job. She is 2.5 years older than him. As she was saying, by the time he graduated from collage, she will be 26 years old. then she figures another 6 months to find a job, maybe a year of planning...by the time she gets married, she will be about 27 or 28. She wants to know, how long should she stay since he hasnt asked the question yet. 

As I talked to her, she suggested making a " silent timeline". which she would wait maybe two years, not tell him when her timeline is, and if he doesnt make a commitment by that time, she would leave.

I guess she had talked about this with her fiance, and he said that was fine for the silent timeline. he said that he wants to for sure marry her, after collage. what do you think....

family is important to her, do you think waiting 10 years is sufficiant, or is she waisting her time?


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

My wife and I dated 7 Years before we got marrried, Both were in college. I was 27 and she was 26 when we got married, now we have been married for 12 years.

If you tryuly love someone, do you need a timeline? We waited because we wanted to do it right, finish college, THEN get married and have Children. We both have High Income jobs and our college degree's. 

No need to rush into marriage, the only thing we wish we did different is wait a few years before having children, we could have done more traveling of the world before settling down, now we just have to wait about 5 more years to do extensive travels.

I believe Finishing college is PARAMOUNT and THEN getting married, then buying a house.

Plus with the Economy in the dumper, finishing school is the right idea.


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## broo (Feb 17, 2009)

No need to wait. It was just as easy, if not easier finishing school while married. My wife and I both got our degrees while married. My parents did too. Why would you wait, it is not as though marriage ends your ability to function.

I've a family member who has been stalled on marriage for 12 years. He wants to wait and do this, then he wants to wait and do that. Currently they are waiting 10 more years to buy a house they can't afford. They've been dating since high school but he always has a reason they just can't get married yet, even though he wants to. I don't understand at all.


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

---she suggested making a " silent timeline". which she would wait maybe two years, not tell him when her timeline is, and if he doesnt make a commitment by that time, she would leave.---

Please please please please PLEASE do not do this! NO ONE wants to deal with hidden rules. It is sneaky, backhanded, arbitrary, and is the exact opposite of the open and honest communication that is the fundamental of a relationship.

It would be like the county posting a silent speed limit on your street, but not telling you what it is, and being free to change the limit and the punishment at will. One day maybe you can do 80 mph with no penalty, but one day maybe you get the death penalty for doing 25 mph.

Let me get the math straight. If she is 2.5 years older, and they got together when she was 17, then he was what... 14.5? They've been together 5 years, so she is now 22 and he is 19.5? In 4 years, she'll be 26 and he'll be 23.5 (did he enter college late? or is he taking a long degree program?)

It seems to me he has already made his intentions clear -- he wants to marry her, just after college. At 26, she is FAR from being "too old to get married", so even if things don't work out, she has time.

What I find unfair about this whole situation is that your friend wants to wait only 2 years when SHE ALREADY KNOWS that he wants to wait 4 years. That to me says she is already having doubts, or a power struggle.

They need to work this out together. No silent timelines, no telepathy, no unclear signals. A frank discussion where they explain very clearly why they want what they want.

I'm betting your friend just wants a commitment, which it sounds to me like the boyfriend has already given. I'm betting your friend isn't satisfied though, she wants the "down payment".

I hope they work this one out. At the very least, they will learn a lot about their ability to make decisions as a team.


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## lovie (Feb 17, 2009)

you are right, she does want the down payment. I suppose I do understand her side too. Some men say they want to get married, keep putting it off, or in this case, he sais after collage, but never specifiacally said when after collage..one year, two years etc. Shes afraid that even though he sais he wants to get married, he hasnt " proved it"

I tried telling comforting her. Someone told me that someone can be committed with being married. Im not sure about that one. Someone can be with you for the sake of being with you, because they dont want to lose you, but they may never really intend on getting married, even if they keep saying they do, but never show it.


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## TheLuckiest08 (Jun 2, 2008)

You make it sound like 26 is old and that she would be waiting FOREVER. She should let the guy at least finish school first and get a career established if that's what he wants. The timetable thing is just sneaky and immature.


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## iheartlamps (Jan 4, 2009)

I agree with the time line being a very shady maneuver. Personally if I was dating someone with this type of agenda I would lost a good deal if respect for them. Communication is the key to a successful relationship...not subterfuge.


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## lovie (Feb 17, 2009)

ok just to be clear, i dont make it look like 26 is old...she does. infact she was thinking that it takes about a year to plan, and depending on when he got his career job, she would be about 28 before marriage..and they both want kids befor thirty...she is just afraid he wont commit thats all.

Anyone can say they want to get married after collage, or get married period, but always push it off, and he wont be specific as to when he wants to wait after collage 5 years, 10. Thats all she meant. she would like to be engaged to be more sure he is commiting. I guess she told me that when she talks to him about her feelings that he wont commit..he always says " dont worry about it"..and then goes on like nothing was said....I do understand it is a little shadyfor the timeline.. Im just trying to get advice for her thats all.


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## Kbobby (Feb 5, 2009)

Hi

Some people are very particular about age factor in marriage and i do not want to under-estimate this factor.

Nevertheless, marriage takes two hands to clap. Each party has their way of looking at things. If one party cannot reconcile after several attempts of nego-discussion, then it is really time to think abt the whole thing. It is better to look into all these rather than facing the loose ends after they finally tie the knot.

To me, the more crucial issue is the commitment by both of them to honor the timeline once it is agreed. Better to focus on how to keep the commitment. Along the way, all of us know it is not a smooth path by third party may come in. THis is where the test comes.

KB
yup2life,com


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

well my ten penneth , but i just dont get all this im leaving you lark, if you wont marry me. 
doesnt sound much of a compromise.


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