# Completely brokenhearted



## scully2420 (Dec 4, 2012)

I need help, I'm so hurt an angry that I don't know what to do. My husband of almost 7 years has been looking at personal ads for the past month. He never came out and told me I found it on his phone when I happened to go online to check on my football pool. I felt like someone had punched me several times in the gut when I saw it. I feel like a stupid fool. When I confronted him about what I found on his phone he was defensive and then when I gave details his whole demeanor changed. He knew that I knew and there was no way of lying. I demanded to know why he would put everything in jeopardy to be with someone else. He never really did give me a straight answer. I asked him if he cheated on me and he insisted that he hasn't, that it never got that far because he couldn't hurt me like that. I told him that he did hurt me and I couldn't understand how he could love me and hurt me so deeply. We've never had anything serious like this happen in our relationship or our marriage. We have known eachother since the first grade and been together for 11 years. I'm struggling with my distrust in him. How do I even begin to trust that he won't do this again? How do I trust that he won't cheat on me? I feel like this whole month has been a lie and that he mentally and emotionally cheated on me. We have a 3 year old daughter together and I'm pregnant with our second child. I asked him did he think about how bad this was going to hurt our marriage when he was looking at the trashy people and he said no. What do I do? I feel like if there was no children involved I would be gone but the reality is there are children. I don't want to feel stuck but I am. Anyone else have any insight?


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

scully2420 said:


> I demanded to know why he would put everything in jeopardy to be with someone else. He never really did give me a straight answer.


You confronted him with solid, undeniable proof and still you never got a straight answer. 



scully2420 said:


> I asked him if he cheated on me and he insisted that he hasn't, that it never got that far because he couldn't hurt me like that.


You asked him if he cheated on you. Why ask him that? Do you REALLY think he'd say "Yes I cheated on you" if that was the case? Of course not! He wouldn't even give you a straight answer as to why he was looking to meet women on dating sites. He said he'd never hurt you like that but that's exactly what he was looking to do by meeting women on dating sites. Don't you see how nonsensical and contradictory his explanations are? He isn't being honest with you, he can never, ever be trusted until and unless he comes clean with you. 



scully2420 said:


> How do I even begin to trust that he won't do this again? How do I trust that he won't cheat on me?


You can't. He's given you nothing to work with.



scully2420 said:


> I asked him did he think about how bad this was going to hurt our marriage when he was looking at the trashy people and he said no.


Again, what do you expect him to say? "Yes honey, I knew it would hurt our marriage when I was looking at the trashy people but I couldn't care less so I did it anyway". Your questions to him are silly and pointless and his answers are vague and evasive. 



scully2420 said:


> What do I do?


You leave him. Divorced parents can effectively coparent and raise their children even while living their own separate lives. He's apparently decided to do exactly that, all you did was throw a wrench in it by discovering him somewhere in the middle of his plan. 



scully2420 said:


> I feel like if there was no children involved I would be gone but the reality is there are children. I don't want to feel stuck but I am. Anyone else have any insight?


You're not stuck. Having children with a man who cheats on you doesn't mean you have to stay with him. He's got a legal and financial obligation to both you and his two children, whether you stay together or not.


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## scully2420 (Dec 4, 2012)

I guess my questions were silly, but I didn't know what to say to him. He wasn't only looking to get with women it was also with couples who wanted to add someone in their bedroom. I just can't ever figure out what could possibly go through his mind while looking at those ads. Would you try marriage counseling?


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

I'd kick him out first and ask questions later.


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## scully2420 (Dec 4, 2012)

For the past two nights, he has been staying at his parents house. He comes home to spend time with our daughter and then leaves after she's gone to bed.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Good. Stay the course.


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## LiamN (Nov 5, 2012)

Have you asked yourself WHY your husband is doing this? if you were honest, would you say you are meeting his emotional needs in your marriage. Rather than getting hurt and angry (and thus probably driving him away further), you need to take some responsibilty for this situation.
Then rather than trying to punish him with guilt, focus on rebuilding attraction. People only stray (emotionally as well as physically) if their needs are not being met.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

GET YOURSELF TESTED FOR STDs while you are figuring out WHAT to do. Do not bury your head in the sand; you do NOT know for sure whether he has exposed you to any diseases and you need to be STRONG and HEALTHY to care for yourself and your children.

GO THIS WEEK and get tested. It will be one less thing to worry about, or it will get any potential problem under control EARLY.

Good luck, honey!


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

LiamN said:


> Have you asked yourself WHY your husband is doing this? if you were honest, would you say you are meeting his emotional needs in your marriage. Rather than getting hurt and angry (and thus probably driving him away further), you need to take some responsibilty for this situation.
> Then rather than trying to punish him with guilt, focus on rebuilding attraction. People only stray (emotionally as well as physically) if their needs are not being met.


Oh no you don't. Sorry LiamN, this is neither the time nor place. There's no excuse for cheating. If his needs weren't being met, he could communicate, or ask for a divorce, freeing himself to philander all he liked.


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