# For those who cheated on...FOG question.



## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

How long does it take to get out of FOG and what are symptoms?

I am having problem with letting go. I can't still see that other man in real colors. I keep making up excuses for him and keep looking at him as a perfect person. I know he is not problem - I am. But by seeing this man as a charming, sweet person - I don't see anything right about my own husband. I know this sounds terrible and he does not deserve it. 
I get easily irritated and sad. There are days when I feel better and then it hits me again. I need to let go in order to see everything clear. I keep holding on him and I don't know why. As if he was the only man there. 

How did you let go? Is this fog I am going through?


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## somanyquestions (Dec 15, 2013)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> How long does it take to get out of FOG and what are symptoms?
> 
> I am having problem with letting go. I can't still see that other man in real colors. I keep making up excuses for him and keep looking at him as a perfect person. I know he is not problem - I am. But by seeing this man as a charming, sweet person - I don't see anything right about my own husband. I know this sounds terrible and he does not deserve it.
> I get easily irritated and sad. There are days when I feel better and then it hits me again. I need to let go in order to see everything clear. I keep holding on him and I don't know why. As if he was the only man there.
> ...


I am no expert here, I am on the same side of the fence as your husband and looking for my own advice. It is obvious to me, in my little experience that you need to make a decision between your POSOM and your H. If he is charming and sweet, maybe you need to spend the rest of your life with him. Good luck with that.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Before the affair started, you lost romantic interest in your husband. Since the romantic interest is no longer there, its easy to see the OM as the "perfect person" as you claim. I hate to say it but its unlikely you'll ever recover that tingling in your loins for your old man. In the final analysis, the warm and fuzzy part of your marriage is most likely gone for good and the "fog" is believing reconciliation will make it anything beyond substandard.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> How long does it take to get out of FOG and what are symptoms?
> 
> I am having problem with letting go. I can't still see that other man in real colors. I keep making up excuses for him and keep looking at him as a perfect person. I know he is not problem - I am. But by seeing this man as a charming, sweet person - I don't see anything right about my own husband. I know this sounds terrible and he does not deserve it.
> I get easily irritated and sad. There are days when I feel better and then it hits me again. I need to let go in order to see everything clear. I keep holding on him and I don't know why. As if he was the only man there.
> ...


In my case it was about 30 seconds, if that.

I was about to have unprotected sex with my EA (going PA) when I saw an image of my wife in my head and I couldn't go through with my cheating.


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

Simple, really. Ask this- 'Would a _good_, caring person have an affair with someone who is married?'


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

If you think you are in the fog, you are not in the fog.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Kind of like if you think you are insane, you are not.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

illwill said:


> If you think you are in the fog, you are not in the fog.


If I am not in fog, than what is it? Why do I see OM as a perfect guy?


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

MrMathias said:


> Simple, really. Ask this- 'Would a _good_, caring person have an affair with someone who is married?'


Thank you...But I can't ask that simply because I am worse than that.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

What you are feeling is novelty...similar to puppy-love bonding phase of a new relationship. The euphoria that you feel surrounding this individual makes it hard to rationally think about weighing out the negatives.

It is going to feel like you are tearing in two, but practicing thought-stopping, where you end the dreamy-fantasy thoughts of the man the second they pop in...and then focusing on re-attaching to your husband is what will help turn things around.

It will be hard because thoughts of your husband do not offer the same euphoric reward...which commonly results in people confusing the novel relationship with love. We like to invest in the things that make us feel good...which is why you must stop investing in the novel relationship altogether...all thoughts, all contacts, all "accidental" passings by at work...or however you have come in contact with said individual. You really have to bring it under control...though it may feel maddening. The more you dive back in to invest in your marriage, the quicker the feelings will ebb from the novel relationship.

Just be aware that cutting yourself off from this person, depending on how hung-up you are on him, may also bring about a low period... a depression that may follow as you are no longer "using" him...and may really alter your perception of hopefulness that you see in your marriage...you may actually even feel worse about your husband...because you have taken a real euphoric dip. Just keep trying, keep on putting one foot in front of the other...the best results coming from the initiative taking to make things better in your marriage. However, if there are some real issues in the marriage...then do whatever you need to shore them up...even if it comes to confronting your husband on behaviors that aren't helping the marriage. Talk to him about how important it is to you to have a full and happy marriage...and be serious with him about it...as he obviously isn't aware of just how close to edge things could have gotten. It is up to you what you would like to disclose...but I think it is worth at least as much to say "Hey, it is time that we get serious about making this the best damn marriage...cos I am not going to accept any less at this stage in my life." NOTHING is worth the devastation of infidelity...but you ARE worthy of having a happy and fulfilled marriage and life...so forget about the counterfeit and get going!!!!!


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Or she simply fell in love with another man. Most woman cannot love two men at once. She sees him as perfect because she has to. She risked it all for this guy, to now accept he is a loser, is too much to bare.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

Oh yeah, you. I remember you guilty. You're a serial cheater. 2 affairs right?? (the one's you've told us about, there's more probably.. but anyways). Yeah, you don't feel bad and think the OM is all that and then some cause you have no regret nor remorse for what you did. 

Why? 

Um, let me think a little bit. 

Oh yeah, I know. 

You're a serial cheater. You have no morals nor respect for you marriage nor hubby- now, your hubby isn't that great of guy-he's a pot head who hit you right?? Or was that the OM? I can't remember. 

Anyway's, he still doesn't deserve for you to cheat on him. But you have and you will again. 

Why? 

Cause it's in your nature. Chicks like you love the drama and being bounced around from guy to guy. Your immature and underdeveloped. So you got some major issues. 

As far as this "fog". Yeah, I really don't believe in such things. I'm kinda a take responsibility for your actions type of guy. I live in a high risk high reward world. This whole "fog" thing sounds like more psychoanalytical way for a cheater to off shift and deflect their thinking and behavior cause of "fog" and being blinded. 

I think one has affairs cause they want to, and they think they'll never get caught. And plus lying and getting away with it can be a rush. 

What's the ole saying- Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off. 

Well, cheater wives and GF's get to lie AND take their clothes off, then lie some more. 

In retrospect it sounds pretty cool. Until the real world and choice and consequence come rearing around the corner. 

Then it's all like- "But I'm in the fog". lulz. 

You are no different Guilty. I find your ability of self deception quite interesting really. 

You know why your doing it. 

Cause you want to. It's fun. And you haven't gotten caught yet. And it's really, really fun right? 

Right.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

TheFlood117 said:


> Oh yeah, you. I remember you guilty. You're a serial cheater. 2 affairs right?? (the one's you've told us about, there's more probably.. but anyways). Yeah, you don't feel bad and think the OM is all that and then some cause you have no regret nor remorse for what you did.
> 
> Why?
> 
> ...


Pretty much spot on.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

When we are with new people, remember they are putting their best version of themselves up for our inspection. Underneath that, this person has morning breath, uses a toilet, and has quirks, irritating habits, a temper, and a dark side that you haven't seen yet.

The grass is always greener on the other side because it's fertilized with bullsh*t.

Now after that, you have to understand that loving someone is a CHOICE, not a feeling. You made your decision to stay with your husband. Now own that decision. Your feelings about OM are totally irrelevant, and in fact, counter-productive to the decision you made to your marriage.

If you have chosen to reconcile, you must fully commit to it. Whenever you have these feelings toward the OM, you should immediately DO something loving for your H. You are going to have to break the habit of the OM as your "happy place".


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> How long does it take to get out of FOG and what are symptoms?
> 
> I am having problem with letting go. I can't still see that other man in real colors. I keep making up excuses for him and keep looking at him as a perfect person. I know he is not problem - I am. But by seeing this man as a charming, sweet person - I don't see anything right about my own husband. I know this sounds terrible and he does not deserve it.
> I get easily irritated and sad. There are days when I feel better and then it hits me again. I need to let go in order to see everything clear. I keep holding on him and I don't know why. As if he was the only man there.
> ...


The chemicals have not worn off. I don't know your story, but in absolute terms, if the you find the AP more physically attractive than your husband, this will never change. If the AP was simply filling an emotional void (nicer to you, more compassionate, interested in what you said, etc. etc.) and you find your husband more physically attractive, the chemicals will wear off much more quickly.

I hope you sort out your difficult situation.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Do you share any bills with the OM? Do you want him raising your kids? Does he know you are married, if so are you okay with a guy that clearly has boundary issues, and there's a good chance he's okay with lying to people close to him.. Is there a chance he feeds you attention in return for sex, but would run like hell if you left your H? Does he say he loves you but he really means he loves the idea of banging another guys wife because it makes him feel special... Do you think he respects you knowing that you'd take vows then crap on them? Or perhaps he doesn't care.. Ask him if you can tell your H then the two of you can go get married, see what line of bull he throws your way... Either you want to play or you don't, stop pretending its love, it's you and some guy all horny for each other. 
Go sneak around and lie, let it eat at your soul (if you have one).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

I feel for her hubby. When he finds out, and he will in time, his world will be destroyed. The woman he loved and trusted and cherished has sh!t on her marriage vows and freely given herself to another man, and that other man, NOT her hubby, occupies her thoughts constantly. She's mentally checked out of her marriage and moved on. Sometimes I wonder why some people bother to get married in the first place. :scratchhead:


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

InlandTXMM said:


> Underneath that, this person has morning breath, uses a toilet, and has quirks, irritating habits, a temper, and a dark side that you haven't seen yet.


Don't forget they are also banging a married person - so there's that itty bitty character flaw as well.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

AG, I don't believe in the "fog". I think either you love someone or you don't. My WH fell in love with another woman, he didn't fall into some sort of "fog". It was a deliberate choice. I think we here at TAM like to find some other thing like fog talk to rationalize the behaviors of our spouses. It's easier to think they were "out of their minds" than to believe they actual love another person.

So first you should probably admit to yourself your true feelings. Whether or not they are right is another thing but be honest with yourself. Then decide if you want to stay married. Your husband deserves a woman who loves him and only him. Stringing him along like this is terrible. Move on and let him find some peace. Its just not fair to him for his wife to be loving another man.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Been saying fog is bs since i got here. Its a excuse betrayed spouses use to take back cheaters. Thats all.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

The "Fog" is the biggest scam since cheating itself.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

The "fog" , solely in my opinion, is rationalization used by a betrayed spouse:

To explain why the WS does not return to the fold with hat in hand. 

As a ubiquitous reason a WS strayed rather than face the real reason that romantic interest and the marriage in general went south under their watch.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> If I am not in fog, than what is it? Why do I see OM as a perfect guy?


Go back and read post #3. Why do you see the OM a perfect? Think about how a lioness can target a single gazelle out of a herd as the perfect meal.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Wait, if he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you.

Run off with him. See how perfect he is when he is cheating on you. How do you know he does not have another AP right now other than you? 

He would lie to his wife or SO, but he would not lie to you. He really loves you and having sex with you is just an extra treat.
If you refused him sex, he would understand and he would love you in a sexless marriage.

In order for you to justify your cheating, you have to magnify your H's faults, because you are also perfect. 

Wait until your OM gives you stds. He will really be perfect then.

I hope you wake up, tell your H everything, have him divorce you and drop you off at the POSOM house. The OM will take care of you, and you do not need any alimony or child support or property settlement from your H.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

harrybrown said:


> Wait, if he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you.
> 
> Run off with him. See how perfect he is when he is cheating on you. How do you know he does not have another AP right now other than you?
> 
> ...


That's an excellent litmus test!!

OP, if you told your OM no more sex until he married you, would he still be in your life?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MrMathias said:


> Simple, really. Ask this- 'Would a _good_, caring person have an affair with someone who is married?'


The truth, when it came out via her own daughter, was that my EA AP actually wanted to split me and my wife up so that I would marry her and be a father to her two children.


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

asia said:


> AG, I don't believe in the "fog".





illwill said:


> Been saying fog is bs since i got here. Its a excuse betrayed spouses use to take back cheaters. Thats all.





Healer said:


> The "Fog" is the biggest scam since cheating itself.


Disagree. If you don't like the term 'Fog', call it something else. Call it brain chemicals, call it love, whatever, but I'd say any cheater with an emotional attachment is under the influence- effectively an altered state. There's loads of research about brain chemicals, love, and attraction. 

Many cheaters get a euphoric feeling from interacting with the AP. I don't think that can be denied. 

Saying that a person is under a 'Fog' doesn't excuse an affair, it's not a band-aid for the BS, because ultimately the cheater's selfishness, lack of boundaries, lack of respect, lack of wisdom, lustful urges, whatever, led to the feelings- a tarpit almost impossible to claw out of as the OP indicates. A person with integrity will recognize that they have feelings and keep their distance. A weak, unwise, immoral, or cruel person will not work to avoid the feelings and will cheat. 

Yes, one can make a 'decision to cheat' in the same way that a person decides to take a drink... the another, then another, and pretty soon they have no idea how far they've gone. Cheaters make some really awful decisions, there's no doubt about it. 

I believe that the 'Fog' will get you in an affair, and keep one in it. I don't think the 'Fog' makes a person a liar, it just makes them obsessed. The deception and lying is a straight up choice from fear of consequences. 

Here's my challenge to all of you 'Fog non-believers'- if you think it's so damn easy to resist your body's natural urges and instincts, you should be able to quit every single one of your bad habits- tonight. I've only been able to quit one bad habit so far, biting my nails. I would ask myself 'MrM, can you control your behavior better than your cheating wife?' and eventually I quit, mostly. _It is hard_. 

If you think for a second that love and attraction isn't ruled by chemicals produced by the brain and body, and you have been on this site for any length of time, then I doubt the huge amount of scholarly evidence regarding love and the brain will sway you. Why do you think so many otherwise smart teen girls get knocked up by total losers? Why are so many men pvssywhipped by women clearly bad for them? Why do so many betrayed spouses like me make rock-fvcking-stupid decisions for months and years after betrayal? We're under the influence of strong emotions. Believe me, I totally understand the desire for a betrayed to simply think of their WS as a bad person, fully in control of their decision making. Not every cheater is a clinical, serial monster cheat, devoid of emotion, some are experiencing the same feelings of love for their AP that they felt with their spouse. With the added thrill of illicit behavior. 

The 'Fog' is just a little three letter word that stands in for 'A state of mind in which a selfish person finds themselves, and helps keep them from summoning the willpower to resist their urge to interact with and think about their affair partner _and do the right thing._'


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

People cheat cause they want, they think they'll never get caught, it's fun and it's a rush to lie to their loyal spouse. 

"Fog".... Sure, whatevs you gotta tell yourself I guess. 

Cheating reveals true character. Serial cheater really reveals it. 


Cheaters suck, have no morals, terrible respect for their partners, don't care about their marriage and are liars, manipulators and betrayers. 

i.e. not a good person. 

It's a character flaw. One that will always be there. It may go away for a bit or be suppressed, but it will come back. 

And when it does, you don't want to be there.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

MrMathias said:


> Here's my challenge to all of you 'Fog non-believers'- if you think it's so damn easy to resist your body's natural urges and instincts, you should be able to quit every single one of your bad habits- tonight.


Who said anything about "so damn easy"? And here's a news flash for you - PLENTY of spouses have "natural urges and instincts" and DON'T cheat. Why? Because we CHOOSE not to. Cheating isn't like Diabetes or Cancer or Schizophrenia. It isn't something that overpowers free will.

Cheaters CHOOSE to cheat because they are immoral, devious, cruel and have no integrity or respect for their spouse. It's not some magical love spell that makes otherwise decent people commit the most heinous, cruel act against the one person they are suppose to cherish, protect and love. They do it because they are of low character. 

If the "fog" is low character....then I'll give you that.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MrMathias said:


> Disagree. If you don't like the term 'Fog', call it something else. Call it brain chemicals, call it love, whatever, but I'd say any cheater with an emotional attachment is under the influence- effectively an altered state. There's loads of research about brain chemicals, love, and attraction.
> 
> Many cheaters get a euphoric feeling from interacting with the AP. I don't think that can be denied.
> 
> ...


I don't disagree with all your points, but biting your nails is a world away from letting another man douse your cervix with semen.
People do have control unless they don't want to and that is a choice as well.

We do train our minds. We are preparing ourselves all the time for what we will and will not do.
A cheater was prepared mentally for the opportunity to cheat before the cheating takes place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stronger-now (Oct 31, 2013)

MrMathias said:


> Disagree. If you don't like the term 'Fog', call it something else. Call it brain chemicals, call it love, whatever, but I'd say any cheater with an emotional attachment is under the influence- effectively an altered state. There's loads of research about brain chemicals, love, and attraction.
> 
> Many cheaters get a euphoric feeling from interacting with the AP. I don't think that can be denied.
> 
> ...


Count me in. I don't believe in fog either. Yes, love and attraction are caused by brain chemicals. Saying that we are "ruled" by it is an overstatement at best. If that was true, all of us would cheat. What cheaters and some BS don't realize, we all can be attracted to someone not our spouses at some point or another. A marital vow does not make a person blind but what we counted on when we took the vows was that the other person meant theirs, and they would not do anything about their urges and attraction to others. 

Saying a WS is under the influence of "fog" implying their feelings are not real. I think, only they know whether they are just infatuated, or they indeed have fallen in love. One thing for sure, they don't have good judgment. Just like teenage parents, it's not because we are ruled by their strong emotions. Otherwise, all of us would be teenage parents. Fact is, only SOME appear to be ruled by their emotions. It does not mean non teenage parents or non cheater have no feelings...but we do have better decision making skills.

So it is, indeed, a character flaw. 

Comparing cheating to nail-biting is undermining the magnitude of pain and hurt most of us here feel. Your bad habit is unappealing, but it does not hurt anyone. Cheating is not a bad habit. It is a conscious decision they make to put their crotch and whatever feelings they feed off their AP above their spouse and their family.

Some men are p***ywhipped by a woman bad for them not because of their strong love for the bad partner, but because: they are afraid to be alone, they don't believe they deserve better, they are afraid of change, etc etc etc. Take your pick.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> In my case it was about 30 seconds, if that.
> 
> I was about to have unprotected sex with my EA (going PA) when I saw an image of my wife in my head and I couldn't go through with my cheating.


You should have added a  MattMatt. You made a decision that so many can't make :smthumbup:


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> How long does it take to get out of FOG and what are symptoms?
> 
> I am having problem with letting go. I can't still see that other man in real colors. I keep making up excuses for him and keep looking at him as a perfect person. I know he is not problem - I am. But by seeing this man as a charming, sweet person - I don't see anything right about my own husband. I know this sounds terrible and he does not deserve it.
> I get easily irritated and sad. There are days when I feel better and then it hits me again. I need to let go in order to see everything clear. I keep holding on him and I don't know why. As if he was the only man there.
> ...


Situations like yours I definitely believe in a fog since you were so emotionally tied to him. Just because it is affair doesn't mean it's a fog. He really may be that great, but you are also only seeing the best side of him. Not the day in day out side!

In my infidelity days with ONS and short flings there was no fog just wanted a piece of strange from time to time.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Stronger-now said:


> Comparing cheating to nail-biting is undermining the magnitude of pain and hurt most of us here feel. Your bad habit is unappealing, but it does not hurt anyone.


Reminds me of that scene in Ace Ventura - where he's eating sunflower seeds and they're all over his teeth and face. The woman offers him an ashtray and he shows his gross teeth and says "no thanks, it's a...disgusting habit". LOL.


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

Stronger-now said:


> Saying that we are "ruled" by it is an overstatement at best. If that was true, all of us would cheat.


I'll concede to that. Ruled is to strong... heavily influenced by? 



Stronger-now said:


> What cheaters and some BS don't realize, we all can be attracted to someone not our spouses at some point or another.


No problem with that, I've been attracted to women other than my wife. I don't think it was something that could be stopped, In my case it simply was not advanced upon. 



Stronger-now said:


> Saying a WS is under the influence of "fog" implying their feelings are not real. I think, only they know whether they are just infatuated, or they indeed have fallen in love. One thing for sure, they don't have good judgment.


I always interpreted 'The Fog' as the cheater being deluded by their feelings and not seeing the truth about the AP. Of course the cheater knows what they're doing is unacceptable, or they wouldn't be deceiving anyone. But many can't recognize that their feelings for their soulmate are transitory at best. 




Stronger-now said:


> Comparing cheating to nail-biting is undermining the magnitude of pain and hurt most of us here feel. Your bad habit is unappealing, but it does not hurt anyone. Cheating is not a bad habit. It is a conscious decision they make to put their crotch and whatever feelings they feed off their AP above their spouse and their family.


Okay, bad analogy on my part, I admit it. I'm with you on the 'magnitude of pain and hurt', believe me. 

I was just trying to argue that pulling one's head out of their own ass isn't easy when the AP is hitting the right buttons. 

If the Marriage Builders statistic about 60% or more of marriages experiencing infidelity is correct it's clearly pretty damn hard for the majority of people to stay monogamous after making a 'commitment'. Are they all low character? If so, what a ****ty world we live in. 

I'm sorry, I think biological drives are more powerful than we give credit. 

To get back on topic, the OP needs to look at their feelings objectively, understand why they're happening, and see that the magical majestic AP just a big illusion.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Call this sample fog or call it whatever - but to me it is what it is. My WS says this was all fantasy. How would you describe her state of mind, her feelings towards this POS?

"Now you are really driving me crazy, you have my c**t dripping wet"

"You are amazingly hot and incredibly sexy, very hard to let go of"

"I got so close to you I seriously considered where we could go with it"

"It will take me some time to be able to just talk to you and not want to rip your clothes off"

"I can't help how I feel about you. I am so happy when we spend time together and you make me feel amazingly sexy and desired (extremely hard to let go of) and I love touching you and kissing you - have not felt so alive for such a long time. Then I have to go back to the real world, where I can't see you and touch you everyday and I hate it."

and then....after the fog had lifted.

"I still miss you to, but I think you know that. I am glad that you were honest with me and no you didn't miss out because of it, I did. I can't help the way I feel about you. The thought of you with someone else makes me insanely jealous (something I have never been before!) and I hate that I can't have you the way I want you - but that was never realistic anyway. As I have told you before, you tick all of the boxes (some boxes get double and triple ticks), you are insanely sexy and amazingly hot - just having lunch with you makes me happy, but also makes me think of how our lunches used to go. I so wanted to play with you - how much fun could we have had."

Of course there were numerous "come chase me" texts way after this and outright attempts by the POS to reignite with my WS earlier this year up to DDay. So glad my WS didn't mean anything she said to him and didn't enjoy anything she did with him. I feel much better knowing that.


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

All I know is that when my WW spent time with OM, sex or not, she was thinking of him the exact same way she used to think about me. When she wrote to him about servicing him, she wrote the exact words she'd have said to me. She felt 'love', and if she didn't then whatever we had years ago wasn't ever a feeling of love either. She didn't start to analyze the OMs behavior until after they'd been apart... and started to realize that the things he was saying such as 'I just want you to be happy' didn't match his behavior. According to her, the first time they did PIV she was crying beforehand because she was confused, in love with two people... but he 'asked to be with her' and she said 'yes'. I can picture how she said it so easily. That's why everything we did in the past, and will probably ever do again, is automatically less valuable and meaningful. She allowed herself to get into a situation where The Feelings she felt were synonymous with how she'd felt about me. How did she get into that situation in the first place? Ego, lack of wisdom, ignorance, and weakness to her emotional vulnerabilities. I personally think she really enjoyed his company, and was lusting after him, and had to convince herself it was love after their first sex encounter so she didn't feel so bad about herself. 

I asked her 'What kind of guy would pressure a married woman into sex after she's been crying?' That was one occasion where I saw a clear lightbulb moment in her- when she started feeling really, really stupid. She realized she'd never thought about it that way... she assumed _OM was in love, just like she was. He said so._ He never wanted what was best for her, or he wouldn't have buried his shaft. That was best for him. I call that fog lifting, seeing the reality. 

Is it low character that keeps a person from asking questions like that, and if not, what is the barrier? Love? feelings kind of like love? Loving the way he made her feel? 

Can we get back to the topic- helping the OP pull their head out? 

*Cheating is wrong. 
Your affair partner is a bad person for not respecting boundaries. The AP is being selfish and doesn't have your best interest in mind, that's a given 100% of the time. Stop thinking about the AP. *

See the reality and really look hard at the damage infidelity causes.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

TheFlood117 said:


> Oh yeah, you. I remember you guilty. You're a serial cheater. 2 affairs right?? (the one's you've told us about, there's more probably.. but anyways). Yeah, you don't feel bad and think the OM is all that and then some cause you have no regret nor remorse for what you did.
> 
> Why?
> 
> ...


A whole lot of fun. It's very destructive and damaging with financial, emotional, family, friendships, trusts, image all taking damages.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Horizon said:


> Call this sample fog or call it whatever - but to me it is what it is. My WS says this was all fantasy. How would you describe her state of mind, her feelings towards this POS?
> 
> "Now you are really driving me crazy, you have my c**t dripping wet"
> 
> ...


OOUUUCCCHHH!!!!! 
I'm gonna check your threads. Are you trying R?


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

When 'fog' lifts, he no longer brings thoughts of desire, they turn to disgust and guilt and shame..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

MrMathias said:


> All I know is that when my WW spent time with OM, sex or not, she was thinking of him the exact same way she used to think about me. When she wrote to him about servicing him, she wrote the exact words she'd have said to me. She felt 'love', and if she didn't then whatever we had years ago wasn't ever a feeling of love either. She didn't start to analyze the OMs behavior until after they'd been apart... and started to realize that the things he was saying such as 'I just want you to be happy' didn't match his behavior. According to her, the first time they did PIV she was crying beforehand because she was confused, in love with two people... but he 'asked to be with her' and she said 'yes'. I can picture how she said it so easily. *That's why everything we did in the past, and will probably ever do again, is automatically less valuable and meaningful.* She allowed herself to get into a situation where The Feelings she felt were synonymous with how she'd felt about me. How did she get into that situation in the first place? Ego, lack of wisdom, ignorance, and weakness to her emotional vulnerabilities. I personally think she really enjoyed his company, and was lusting after him, and had to convince herself it was love after their first sex encounter so she didn't feel so bad about herself.
> 
> I asked her 'What kind of guy would pressure a married woman into sex after she's been crying?' That was one occasion where I saw a clear lightbulb moment in her- when she started feeling really, really stupid. She realized she'd never thought about it that way... she assumed _OM was in love, just like she was. He said so._ He never wanted what was best for her, or he wouldn't have buried his shaft. That was best for him. I call that fog lifting, seeing the reality.
> 
> ...


MrM always expresses the essence of the matter so well. The bolded passage is the reason why it's almost impossible for the BS to "just get over it." Even if/when the fog lifts for the WS, this is the scummy residue left behind.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I can see how many would feel that the concept of "fog" would borderline negate a sense of marital/ character responsibility. Choice is the the supreme factor when it comes to cheating...people choose to look and linger longer than they should, people choose to return flirting glances and signals, people choose to "walk" by that attractive co-worker, and people choose too cross that line.

The fog addresses the physiological addiction component to cheating...what happens to people when they do choose to go down that road...the elation that keeps saying, "Hey...this feels good. I don't care what buttons you push, what lies you say, what lies you believe...just keep pushing that button." And the lies the the fog thrives off of is: "This must be love! God wants us together...He told me!" 

The fog is self-deception complete.

I equate the fog best with the Christian idea of being "fleshly"...abandoning the construct of our beliefs and morality and being led by our sinful nature. The fog, as exampled by the OPs obvious struggle with letting go of AP, shows that when we play with the fire of infidelity, we get burned...on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level. And I'm just talking about the damage it does to the WS...they just are so numbed out on stupid that they don't realize it until they try to stop...as all we BS know...if you catch them first, they just go underground. The fact that a "fog" may exist excuses them of NOTHING.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

MrMathias said:


> Disagree. If you don't like the term 'Fog', call it something else. Call it brain chemicals, call it love, whatever, but I'd say any cheater with an emotional attachment is under the influence- effectively an altered state. There's loads of research about brain chemicals, love, and attraction.
> 
> Many cheaters get a euphoric feeling from interacting with the AP. I don't think that can be denied.
> 
> ...


The best way to quit a bad behavior is to never start. That is why the issue underneath the affair must be dealt with.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Two people are together a long time. Things get stale, it's bound to happen - for some couples it's much worse than others. It's the fallow field. No attention is paid to the strangers under the same roof syndrome that descends. Contempt is not far away. The couple can easily fall out of love without giving it much thought. They can be fully conscious of issues, but resentments that have built up over time have negated any chance of expression. Communication has left the building. Still they plod on - it is a relationship afterall; until one of them says otherwise. There are still rules to this engagement. The snake has no respect for rules and the wayward feels the same. The snake and the wayward fall in lust. Love or lust? Who cares. Whatever it is, it is truly the stuff that can destroy kingdoms.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

MrMathias said:


> Disagree. If you don't like the term 'Fog', call it something else. Call it brain chemicals, call it love, whatever, but I'd say any cheater with an emotional attachment is under the influence- effectively an altered state. There's loads of research about brain chemicals, love, and attraction.
> 
> Many cheaters get a euphoric feeling from interacting with the AP. I don't think that can be denied.
> 
> ...


Fog because this was an affair or fog because of the brain chemicals...


Would you categorize all illegal impulsive activities under the definition fog ?(Public exposing or masturbation for example)

If these feelings happened when she is not in a relationship, , would you call them fog ?

I think whatever chemicals that categorize fog are also the chemicals that cause love...The high you experience when you first fall in love is fog in a different set of circumstances...Only ethics separate


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> How long does it take to get out of FOG and what are symptoms?
> 
> I am having problem with letting go. I can't still see that other man in real colors. I keep making up excuses for him and keep looking at him as a perfect person. I know he is not problem - I am. But by seeing this man as a charming, sweet person - I don't see anything right about my own husband. I know this sounds terrible and he does not deserve it.
> I get easily irritated and sad. There are days when I feel better and then it hits me again. I need to let go in order to see everything clear. I keep holding on him and I don't know why. As if he was the only man there.
> ...


Perhaps there is a fog occupying a space inside of you where your conscience should have been........


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

nuclearnightmare said:


> Perhaps there is a fog occupying a space inside of you where your conscience should have been........


Of course there is. That's the very essence of the fog. It's not unlike trying to reason or make sense with a drunk or a drug addict. It's the inability to think clearly and rationally when alcohol or drugs are introduced into your system. That IS the fog.

People try so hard to discount this, but one of the most dangerous drugs you can be 'addicted' to is that new love feeling. It's powerful, and WSs will fight with all they have to keep that 'addiction' coming. This has been seen way too many times to just dismiss it as nonsense.

The really bad thing about it is this drug resides inside our own bodies and is just waiting to be released. Doesn't cost anything initially, but it does cost a HELLUVA down the road. But, it's always there, just waiting to be tapped into.

This is why it's imperative to never put yourself into a position where any of your emotional needs can ever be met by anyone other than your spouse. Boundaries.....pure and simple.

It's no damned different than D or A, and to argue otherwise (IMO), is just pure ignorance. Just go read some threads on what people have lost because of D or A and you will find the similarities eerily parallel with adultery....if not exactly the same.

Merry Christmas to all


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> OOUUUCCCHHH!!!!!
> I'm gonna check your threads. Are you trying R?


Yeah, we are in R, most of the time. Also known as limbo land, some of the time. See, there are truly great times that I rarely mention. But there is still a lot of sh!t to be dealt with.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Found this on Marriage Advocates website:

Infidelity And The Wayward Fog

The Wayward Fog and the Affair Fog are terms often used by experts and victims of infidelity to describe the euphoria felt by someone involved in an affair. The Fog, while strangely named, is a real phenomenon. On websites supporting infidelity, it is sometimes referred to as the “affair bubble.”

The Affair Fog Rolls In

The Wayward Fog is described as similar to being brainwashed. The thrill of the affair envelops the wayward partner in good feelings and the excitement can be overwhelming. S/he feels a new high, a feeling of being “in love.” Comparisons are made between the marriage and the affair and, inevitably, the marriage suffers.

They Justify The Infidelity

Next begins a repeated internal dialogue of rationalizations, over and over again in their minds. The Wayward Spouse needs to rationalize with themselves in order to cover up and minimise their feelings of guilt. They may convince themselves that their marriage was already bad and that it had been for a long time, that their spouse doesn’t really love them, and that the affair partner must truly be their “soul-mate” because he/she is the only one who understands them. They may tell themselves, and the Betrayed Spouse, that the Betrayed Spouse is “better off without them.” Frequently this rationalization leads to inventing reasons for having the affair in the first place, including that the affair is like “therapy,” something they do for themselves. They say it makes them a better, happier spouse — “If I am happier, then how could that be bad for my marriage/family/spouse?”

Loss of Empathy

After a short time, they cease to think of anyone else’s feelings — not parents, not spouses, not children, not friends — only their feelings and the feelings of their Affair Partner. To a foggy Wayward, the Other Person is without flaws, weaknesses or selfishness. Soon the cheating spouse begins to believe the lies they’ve been telling themselves. They, therefore, act accordingly, treating their spouse with anger and hostility, and their affair partner in a loving and affectionate way. Despite all of this, the Wayward might not want out of the marriage. They enjoy the familial comfort of home, with the added excitement of the affair. It is as if they become addicted to the affair, needing the constant high it brings, no matter the total disregard for the Betrayed.

Thus beings a cycle of wash, rinse, and repeat and soon they are deeply entrenched in the fog.

A typical Affair Fog, also called The Wayward Script, includes:


* Re-writing marriage history
* Projecting blame for the Wayward Spouse’s guilt onto the Betrayed Spouse
* The typical “I love you but…”
* The proclamation that the other person is the Wayward Spouse’s “soul mate”
* The demonizing of the Betrayed Spouse in order to rationalize the Wayward Spouse’s infidelity.
* Gaslighting

An Addictive Fantasy

Of course, The Fog is nothing more than a fantasy created by the affair partners. They are under the influence of an addictive drug similar to that of a teenager in love. Unfortunately, it is very difficult to remove them from this Fog. The dopamine that is released in the brain is the same chemical that is released when someone uses cocaine or opium. It clouds judgement and makes people do and say things they would never do or say otherwise. This does not excuse the Wayward Spouse for their behaviour, it just partially explains what is occurring within their thought process.

The Wayward Fog Is NOT An Excuse

I cannot stress enough — The Fog does not provide an excuse for the actions of the Wayward Spouse. However, it certainly does explain where some of the behaviour comes from and how it can manifest. If you read any of the works of Dr. Helen Fisher, you will gain a clearer understanding of the dynamics of the human mating system and how dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin can affect a person’s judgement and personality.

Confusion and Uncertainty

For the Betrayed, The Fog makes for a very confusing and trying time. Not only has the person you thought you could always count on stabbed you in the back, but they are now acting totally out of character. They have probably rewritten your relationship history and are professing their love to someone else. If you can have a rational, calm discussion with your Wayward Partner, sometimes you can point out the inaccuracies and inconsistencies in their story. More than likely, however, if they are deep in the Fog, this conversation will be unproductive. Listen to the Wayward Spouse’s complaints and ask yourself, “Is there a kernel of truth in that?” While the Fog presents a warped perspective, often these complaints contain genuine grievances that were problems prior to the affair, and need to be addressed.

The Freedom of Understanding

Gaining a better understanding of what your Wayward Partner is thinking is beneficial to the Betrayed in that s/he can understand that the infidelity is NOT about them. Now is the time for the Betrayed to begin to take care of him/herself to further his/her own growth and healing.

Affairs are fantasy and even the blindest Wayward Spouse eventually realizes and acknowledges that his/her fantasy isn’t reality. But this realization of reality almost always happens after the affair has ended.

The lies those engaged in an affair will tell themselves can take many forms. These lies are not always about leaving the marriage or demonizing the Betrayed Spouse…but they are always bad for the marriage.

If you have to rationalize it — it’s wrong.

The right choice is evident and does not require explanation.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> If you have to rationalize it — it’s wrong.
> 
> The right choice is evident and does not require explanation.


100% Agree.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

3putt said:


> Of course there is. That's the very essence of the fog. It's not unlike trying to reason or make sense with a drunk or a drug addict. It's the inability to think clearly and rationally when alcohol or drugs are introduced into your system. That IS the fog.
> 
> People try so hard to discount this, but one of the most dangerous drugs you can be 'addicted' to is that new love feeling. It's powerful, and WSs will fight with all they have to keep that 'addiction' coming. This has been seen way too many times to just dismiss it as nonsense.
> 
> ...


That's the thing - my emotional needs. When I felt completely lonely, they gave me attention. With first man - that's all it was for me - our talk. I felt special and wanted again.

With this other man - same thing. He knew I was married, we flirted and then met. He was always so sweet and charming. Saying all right things and I felt for it. If there was not emotional connection - I would never be intimate with him. I can't have meaningless sex or just because.

I started to believe him just to realize it was not true at all. I still making up excuses for him or looking for what I did wrong.

We met 6 times and 3 times he slapped my face in playful way. I was shocked first time, second time I told him I don't like it and last time he did that - he pointed out on his on that I did not like it. Each time he did that - he kinda laugh but apologized. 

I can't get him out of my head and it is killing me. Why can't I admit he was there just for sex and let it go? Just because I have feelings for him?


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> That's the thing - my emotional needs. When I felt completely lonely, they gave me attention. With first man - that's all it was for me - our talk. I felt special and wanted again.
> 
> With this other man - same thing. He knew I was married, we flirted and then met. He was always so sweet and charming. Saying all right things and I felt for it. If there was not emotional connection - I would never be intimate with him. I can't have meaningless sex or just because.
> 
> ...



How old are you? You don't seem mature enough for marriage. N fact the things you've gotten here make you sound incapable of monogamy or loyalty.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

I am loyal to my family, friends. It is my marriage I have a problems with. I am over 30. I am with my husband since I was 17.


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I am loyal to my family, friends. It is my marriage I have a problems with. I am over 30. I am with my husband since I was 17.


Your marriage is struggling, you feel lonely and need to find affection and attention outside... looks like there is no love and affection in your marriage plus your feelings for other men. Your husband doesn't have to leave in mess and drama. 

I said in your other thread - divorce is the best option. After that you can have all affection you want.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I am having problem with letting go. I can't still see that other man in real colors. I keep making up excuses for him and keep looking at him as a perfect person.


Brain chemistry is the answer. Google Helen Fisher on YouTube

Helen Fisher: Why we love, why we cheat 

Helen Fisher: The brain in love


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Graywolf2 said:


> Brain chemistry is the answer. Google Helen Fisher on YouTube
> 
> Helen Fisher: Why we love, why we cheat
> 
> Helen Fisher: The brain in love


Thank you! I did. Very interesting video.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Graywolf2 said:


> Brain chemistry is the answer. Google Helen Fisher on YouTube
> 
> Helen Fisher: Why we love, why we cheat
> 
> Helen Fisher: The brain in love


Excellent, thanks Graywolf.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

I asked my wife these types of questions:

Is he someone you want around our daughters and son?

Do you trust him, that he's an honest person knowing he's lying to his girlfriend about you and lying to you about her?

When you took days off from work with him, did you get bored after the sex and wonder if you could spend days and days on end with this guy, or just a few hours?

Do you always consider people friends that help you destroy your life?

Did he take care of you financially, buy you a big house, the car you always wanted, give you all the things you dreamed of as a little girl?

When you had your surgery, and I was there for you, did he ever show up to see you? 

Did you really feel comfortable with him, like no need to put on a face or act, but you could be yourself?

Do you know that most men have affairs to get an extra sex partner, most women do it because they like the attention and want to feel needed.

Do you really believe the stories he told you about why he has a first wife... do you deep down know that he probably got caught cheating and his wife dumped him?

Did you wonder if he had someone else on the side besides you? 

Did you trust that he'd be true to your heart, or just like the thrill of the attention and figured you'd do whatever he needed to keep him happy and keep the attention coming?

When I'd have women approach me trying to become 'friendly' and crossing boundaries, I would feel it was an insult to you my wife that they would go there. I would have your back, how do you feel knowing this person wouldn't have your back like I did? Do you really want to be with a man that would put your family at risk for some cheap thrills?

When approached by a married woman, I would right away wonder about her husband, and if he knew what he would think. How I wouldn't disrespect this person that I don't even know. Why would she want to be with the type of man that would do that to another person?

At each of these, I would point out that she was on the other side.. doing these things to his girlfriend, disrespecting her.. 

Basically, the truth will set you free... Be honest with yourself, stop filling your head with bull to get that giddy feeling. Tell this person you want to leave your spouse and marry them, they should do the same, and watch them run. They don't want it any more than you want it. 

Once you realize what scum you are being while cheating, you realize what scum they are and you can start to take actions to change how you treat people and treat yourself in the future.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

I like those questions you asked. But at this point, I blame only myself. I don't see him as a bad guy since I am the one who took those wows and ruined it all. I was selfish, he just did not care. He got piece of his meat and I got heartache. Instead of working on my marriage, I looked for what I missed somewhere else and was very naive to believe his sweet words. I felt "special" for very few moments just to feel miserable for most of the time.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Thorburn said:


> Found this on Marriage Advocates website:
> 
> Infidelity And The Wayward Fog
> 
> ...


This is only one type of affair and I don't like how everyone acts like some super guru saying "Oh, you are just in the fog blah blah"

Is it still a fog when the WS is just banging prostitutes every month? Really none of that applies to those types except the rush of sleeping with somone new.

Great indepth article about describing a sterteotypical affair with feelings. It just doesn't apply at all to the guys just wanting to tap a piece of strange.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> That's the thing - my emotional needs. When I felt completely lonely, they gave me attention. With first man - that's all it was for me - our talk. I felt special and wanted again.
> 
> With this other man - same thing. He knew I was married, we flirted and then met. He was always so sweet and charming. Saying all right things and I felt for it. If there was not emotional connection - I would never be intimate with him. I can't have meaningless sex or just because.
> 
> ...


He slapped your face "in a playful way???!!!" You told him you didn't like it, but he continued to do it anyway and "kinda laughed about it?" And you still have "feelings" for this POS who apparently just used you as a free prostitute, and you can't "let it go," and you're letting this basically destroy your relationship with your husband? God, what a train wreck! This guy wasn't a "lover" HE WAS JUST USING YOUR BODY, and you're still hung up on him. I really feel bad for you, but much more for your apparently long-suffering hubby. Is he such a lousy mate that he deserves this level of disrespect? If you had continued the affair with the OM, how long would it have been before the "PLAYFUL" slapping incidents became serious. Is this guy into pain? Are you?? Consider that you're lucky you got away from him before the "playfulness" turned into some kind of sadism and you were physically and mentally hurt.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

thummper said:


> He slapped your face "in a playful way???!!!" You told him you didn't like it, but he continued to do it anyway and "kinda laughed about it?" And you still have "feelings" for this POS who apparently just used you as a free prostitute, and you can't "let it go," and you're letting this basically destroy your relationship with your husband? God, what a train wreck! This guy wasn't a "lover" HE WAS JUST USING YOUR BODY, and you're still hung up on him. I really feel bad for you, but much more for your apparently long-suffering hubby. Is he such a lousy mate that he deserves this level of disrespect? If you had continued the affair with the OM, how long would it have been before the "PLAYFUL" slapping incidents became serious. Is this guy into pain? Are you?? Consider that you're lucky you got away from him before the "playfulness" turned into some kind of sadism and you were physically and mentally hurt.


It was playful because it did not hurt. I could feel his fingers on my cheek and that's all. I know - it is crazy that I still don't see what I should. I felt used, pushed into sexual things but I liked his attention, affection, compliments, sweet words too much and that's why I came back to him. I wanted to believe he is who he seemed to be. I wanted his words to be real. I was naive. And selfish because I did not think of my H.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

The only feelings that you have for anyone or anything are your own petty need to feel “special” You don’t care what or who is doing it as long as someone tells you how wonderful you are ect you want to be with them. 

The OM has no real feelings for you, you know it deep down, he treats you like meat and yet you want him because your own selfish want to hear you’re a princess or whatever overrides everything and everyone. From some of your other posts it sounds like every man you have ever been involved with repeats. None of them are very good and your current husband probably tolerates the whole situation because either it will cost him too much to get rid of you or you’re a convenience item for him and that’s it. 

You have never learned to live with yourself so you fear it, yet you have a completely unrealistic outlook on being with someone because your “emotional wants” are only to hear that you are perfect. So basically you allow yourself to become used, no one respects you, well at least not the very two men in your life currently. Your probably are subconsciously letting yourself get used as your own inner punishment because you know somewhere in that head of yours this whole situation is so wrong. 

You need to build self-esteem from within, no man or woman can do that for you. Your not in an affair fog, you have been in a fog your whole life from the sounds of it.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

honcho said:


> The OM has no real feelings for you, you know it deep down, he treats you like meat and yet you want him because your own selfish want to hear you’re a princess or whatever overrides everything and everyone.


She cannot corral him. If she could, she'd drop him like a hot potato. Her interest level in him is high because she cannot have him. He's a challenge and knows how to play women.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> It was playful because it did not hurt. I could feel his fingers on my cheek and that's all. I know - it is crazy that I still don't see what I should. I felt used, pushed into sexual things but I liked his attention, affection, compliments, sweet words too much and that's why I came back to him. I wanted to believe he is who he seemed to be. I wanted his words to be real. *I was naive. And selfish *because I did not think of my H.


Still are. And that's why you're having trouble letting go of your abusive lover.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Her interest level I don’t think is high because she cant have him, its only because he doesnt want “her” only the benefits. He treats this exact way because he can and will and she will come back for more solely because he is rejecting her and she cant stand that part. She isn’t perfect and that is the part she cant figure out. Your right she cant corral him because he doesn’t want to be corralled by HER. Once she starts to look beyond her own selfishness she might start to see that.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> How long does it take to get out of FOG and what are symptoms?
> 
> I am having problem with letting go. I can't still see that other man in real colors. I keep making up excuses for him and keep looking at him as a perfect person. I know he is not problem - I am. But by seeing this man as a charming, sweet person - I don't see anything right about my own husband. I know this sounds terrible and he does not deserve it.
> I get easily irritated and sad. There are days when I feel better and then it hits me again. I need to let go in order to see everything clear. I keep holding on him and I don't know why. As if he was the only man there.
> ...


Yes. This is part of the blame shifting, fog and history rewrite. Much of it is not intentional, it is the mind protecting itself, it has to make it all make sense...

And many times the WAS is demonized even if they never did anything wrong. Much of the demonization is not even intentional, it's automatic.

If I were you I would realize you are on a road that 100's of millions of others have been on . Lying, cheating, decieving the ones who care about you, fooling them, taking them for granted. you don't want to go down that road, and if you have a conscious there are a bunch of painful mental repurcussions that will happen.

The only way around it is to see the affair partner for what he is. His charm onto a married woman, who is comfortable inserting himself into this situation, damaging a household, and it's supposed to be all fun and games. What if it is a complete family involved with children? If there is an incident with the WAS will they harm them or kill them? You have to see it for what it is and blame yourself, and know that you are not that scummy.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> She cannot corral him. If she could, she'd drop him like a hot potato. Her interest level in him is high because she cannot have him. He's a challenge and knows how to play women.


Yup. He's mastering this game. Got his emotions locked up tight in a box they will never reach. And he knows the fall for it.

Same with the slap and the laugh about it, a degredation and "negging" move. I'm sure he was full of "negging" moves, and timing games and delays to play her.


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## Singledude21 (Feb 21, 2013)

Sadly OP is gonna be one of those women who stay connected to these low life scum, have a difficult journey then around the end of her life keep kicking herself on all the time and energy wasted in this "love". And in the end, just won't be a happy person.

Sooner or later, Husband will eventually leave you before you even had a chance to do anything about it.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Singledude21 said:


> Sadly OP is gonna be one of those women who stay connected to these low life scum, have a difficult journey then around the end of her life keep kicking herself on all the time and energy wasted in this "love". And in the end, just won't be a happy person.
> 
> Sooner or later, Husband will eventually leave you before you even had a chance to do anything about it.


It's the "feelings". It's exciting and a huge spark and fire to her. When you have been involved with this, it's hard as quitting a serious narcotic. Withdrawls and pain involved.

As someone bridges over to a life of great integrity, they can shed this half of themself which would do these acts. But it's painful and takes time.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

I know this has nothing to do with my question, but where are those people who actually cheated on someone? And their own experiences with FOG? Why most of the people who post on TAM are those who were cheated on?


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

there are many threads here from WS, but most of them are already out of the fog, or almost getting out of it like the initial thread of "EI"

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/48469-how-much-detail.html

you can also check the reconcilation thread

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/52974-reconciliation.html

practically every couple that have posted there have stories with WW who also post and explain their thoughts at the moment of the affair (the fog)

like "devastateddad"

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/57247-she-cheated-i-hate-my-life.html

in his thread "changingme" (his wife) explain all of her thoughts during her affair period


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

but in your case, sorry to tell you but the best way of action is divorcing your husband already, it seems tthat you just keep hurting the both of you while keeping the true in the dark


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