# Without faith



## dan76 (Sep 17, 2009)

I'm currently 25 with my wife at 23, we have a 1yr old son whom we both love dearly and continues to be the focus of my life. I left the military a few months ago after 6 years, most of it being deployed overseas. I now find myself able to concentrate on being here for my family as I hoped I would.

I met her as she was attending school three years ago, a few months later...before I left the states we married due to concerns over our relationship/fidelity. I thought i knew what I wanted, stability and someone to come home to in the end. Every time I would take leave we both seemed so extremely happy to see one another it blinded me to everything else. She became pregnant...missed it all including the birth to my regret.

I come home now to a wife and son that Iv'e spent little or no time with in the past, finding out the hard way that I married for all the wrong reasons. We reguarly cant get along, have no similar ideals or beliefs, sex is obligatory and mostly for my needs when it rarely happens. I can easily say I never loved her, but I loved simply the idea or possibility of what our relationship could have been. 

I have no real idea what her feelings toward this are...she knows I'm unhappy and I sense she's depressed as of late. She would say that that I'm not the same man she married before I deployed, that Ive changed beyond reconition. The only thing that makes me want to continue onward is the fact I have a son with her. And knowing she's fully depent on me, I would be a poor father and husband if i decided to leave.

So in the end I seem to be decending into something horrible in the future, a life neither of us wishes to live but are willing to do so for the sake of our son and our public image. I'm very concerened about our son as my father left when I was 6, I would never want to cause him greef down the road. I know this is a common question, but is it best to seperate amicably now and avoid this? Or is there any method or option I havent seen? We have had two cousuling sessions and I feel that there may be no real alternative.

I would not know who to confide in or ask, and I'm glad a site like this exists to do so.


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

I got divorced with 2 young children and they were my greatest reason to NOT do it. However, I was amazed at how well they got through it and are doingg fine. Not saying they like it but they are very happy and well adjusted today.

Divorce is horrible but so is living like you are. You sound young, is this where you want to be for the next 40 years++?


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## alwaysalone (Nov 17, 2007)

Honey, you need to follow what's in your heart. Just because you and your wife aren't together doesn't mean that your child won't have both of you or that you won't be a good father. I really don't have much to talk when I say don't stay in the relationship because of the child because I still haven't left after 4 years of verbal/mental abuse because I can't get myself to leave my daughter. 

Having your child grow up with loveless parents isn't so good either. It causes more harm than it does good. They won't know what a true relationship is or should be.

Good luck!


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

What have you tried to do to bridge the gap between you and your wife? You were smitten enough to marry her. I suspect whatever that attraction was is still there but you can't reach it because you feel trapped.

My suggestion : Date. Pretend you aren't married and date again. See if you can build a life.

Think about this : You were away so much that she built a life without you. Then your son comes along. Now she's got more to handle and she's figured out her way of doing everything. You show up and upset the apple cart because you have your own way of wanting things done. So you get into power struggles. 

Do you realize that this is completely normal and doesn't mean that you have nothing in common or have no hope of building a life together?!!

Both of you need to back off and be willing to give in. Give up stupid fights. Pick battles that matter. Experience life together -- go places, do things. Build commonality. Marriage is about what you build together, not simply what you brought in. What have you tried to build together?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

If you both feel that strongly about it, then its probably a good idea to leave now. Your son is young and the adjustment wont be as much for him.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I would get divorced, but talk it over with your wife, tell her you want her happy, that you want to be friends with her and that you want to be a part of their lives as a dad and a friend. hopefully she will see it the same way and you two can seperate and be good friends and be great parents for your kids, I know a couple like this, they both go to their son's games, she brings her new husband, he brings his girlfriend, they sit together, hang out and are all friendly, really interesting and I am impressed, they did right by themselves and their son.

you can do this, just be as nice as possible and show good intentions, remember no one wins in a divorce, but take the high road and be supportive of her and your son. I would live close by.


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## dan76 (Sep 17, 2009)

Thank you all once again for your comments,

*Alwaysalone: Having your child grow up with loveless parents isn't so good either. It causes more harm than it does good. They won't know what a true relationship is or should be.*

I have to agree, I dont think I ever understood what it meant to have a good relationship with my wife, or even what "normal" would mean.

*Dobo: Both of you need to back off and be willing to give in. Give up stupid fights. Pick battles that matter. Experience life together -- go places, do things. Build commonality. Marriage is about what you build together, not simply what you brought in. What have you tried to build together? *

I dont think we ever tried to add anything in our marriage that wasn't there before...lord knows she dosent have any motivation to help me in that reguard. But I will continue to try, not giving up as of yet.

*GAsoccerman: I would get divorced, but talk it over with your wife, tell her you want her happy, that you want to be friends with her and that you want to be a part of their lives as a dad and a friend. *

I think mostly at least, she wants me to be happy...she can sacrifice herself and has on many occasions for this. And I know people can get along if the setting is right, I just know it will be a lot of work to keep it that way if it ever came to a seperation.

I'm giving it some more time I think, I never as confident in decisions untill I have to be... but time will tell.


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