# Pregnant wife cheated on me in our bed



## Am I Dreaming?

Title says it all. I found out when I noticed her being all types of shady. Snooped in her email (bad I know but bite me). Found 6 months worth of chats and emails. 

I went home to visit my sick brother on August 24th and was gone through Sunday. This dude flew in from Chicago and gets here Friday afternoon and they have a ****fest in our bed until Sunday AM. Its pretty ****ing disgusting. I confronted her with the barebones and after grilling her she finally confessed to all of this. Swears it was only this one time. Swears she has never cheated before. 

We've only been married for 11 months. Who the **** cheats while pregnant and less than year of being married? I asked her why and she says she was lonely and he paid attention to her so she felt like she owed him. Apparently she never met him IRL until the ****fest. 

I emailed this guy myself and he is a douche's douche. Blames me. I eventually say something to the effect of you can have her if you want. He says he doesn't care about her and that I can keep her. This is who she risked our family for. I don't know what his deal is. Its mind blowing to me that someone would pay for a flight ticket to have sex with some other man's pregnant wife. And not even lightly pregnant. My wife was 7 months pregnant at the time. 

I don't know where to go from here. A strong part of me just wants to say **** this and bail. Get a quick divorce and let her raise the kid and pay child support. Just move the **** on. I don't see how our marriage can survive this. 

She is outwardly remorseful but I had to catch her. She didn't confess anything. There are so many levels to her betrayal. In our home. In ourbed. While pregnant. With my child. Planned. More than once. 

Has anyone been through anything like this? Is there any hope? Any advice? 

TL : DR Pregnant wife had an affair while carrying my child.


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## Complexity

Am I Dreaming? said:


> *Swears it was only this one time. Swears she has never cheated before*


:bsflag:



> We've only been married for 11 months. Who the **** cheats while pregnant and less than year of being married? *I asked her why and she says she was lonely and he paid attention to her so she felt like she owed him. Apparently she never met him IRL until the ****fest*.


WTF. Not only is that the worse excuse ever, but it's also very worrying. You need to get tested ASAP.



> I don't know where to go from here. A strong part of me just wants to say **** this and bail. Get a quick divorce and let her raise the kid and pay child support. Just move the **** on. I don't see how our marriage can survive this.


I'd get a paternity test first.


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## betrayed2012

Am I Dreaming? said:


> Title says it all. I found out when I noticed her being all types of shady. Snooped in her email (bad I know but bite me). Found 6 months worth of chats and emails.
> 
> I went home to visit my sick brother on August 24th and was gone through Sunday. This dude flew in from Chicago and gets here Friday afternoon and they have a ****fest in our bed until Sunday AM. Its pretty ****ing disgusting. I confronted her with the barebones and after grilling her she finally confessed to all of this. Swears it was only this one time. Swears she has never cheated before.
> 
> We've only been married for 11 months. Who the **** cheats while pregnant and less than year of being married? I asked her why and she says she was lonely and he paid attention to her so she felt like she owed him. Apparently she never met him IRL until the ****fest.
> 
> I emailed this guy myself and he is a douche's douche. Blames me. I eventually say something to the effect of you can have her if you want. He says he doesn't care about her and that I can keep her. This is who she risked our family for. I don't know what his deal is. Its mind blowing to me that someone would pay for a flight ticket to have sex with some other man's pregnant wife. And not even lightly pregnant. My wife was 7 months pregnant at the time.
> 
> I don't know where to go from here. A strong part of me just wants to say **** this and bail. Get a quick divorce and let her raise the kid and pay child support. Just move the **** on. I don't see how our marriage can survive this.
> 
> She is outwardly remorseful but I had to catch her. She didn't confess anything. There are so many levels to her betrayal. In our home. In ourbed. While pregnant. With my child. Planned. More than once.
> 
> Has anyone been through anything like this? Is there any hope? Any advice?
> 
> TL : DR Pregnant wife had an affair while carrying my child.


oh my.....idk wat to say. That sounds like the most cold hearted thing i have ever heard. She cant be all with it mentally. she just cant. You just dont do that to someone your starting a family with, especially 7 months pregnant. Clearly the dude that flew in had a certain sick fetish of having sex with pregnant women. Man, i didnt even want sex with my wife when she was 7 months pregnant. And I always want it. The fact it, mentally your wife needs to check evaluated. Thats not normal behaviour at all. Forget about the guy, hes a mess and since hes been caught, hes not going to want to be a part of any of this now. U still gotta be there for ur kid. Ur going to need counselling after something like this. Take ur time deciding on what u want to do. If you still really care, this could be saved, although at this point it seems to me like it couldnt get much worse. Hang in there dude, ifeel for u.


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## lordmayhem

Yep, better have the kid DNA tested. She can freaking have some guy fly in from Chicago and bang him in the marital bed while SEVEN MONTHS prego? Because he paid attention to her on the fracking internet? Is she really that cheap and easy?

:wtf:

Just when you think you've read it all, another horrific story comes along.


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## Am I Dreaming?

Paternity Test.... probably a good idea. God, what does it say about my life that I'm talking about having to get a paternity test on my child? This is straight up madness. 

The child was planned and we tried to conceive her. So I do think she is mine. But selfishly, oh my god what relief if she wasn't. The idea of having to parent a child with her for the next 18 years is scary. I want to just be done with her. 

Its only been a few days since I found out and I find myself fantasizing about being free of her. I'm just disgusted by this woman. In every way. I don't know how I misread things so badly. I never expected this out of her.


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## ilgitano

My first reaction was "who has sex with a 7 month pregnant woman?".. That's right... the father. There might be exceptions but you know very well that you must get a DNA test asap. This is just to see if the kid is yours.

Furthermore... Who pays 4 or 5 hundred dollars for a ticket and flies over for a romp?... Her lover. It quite possible that she's been cheating on you through out your relationship and this woman doesn't appear to be wife material.

I do understand when people have affairs after 10 or 20 years of marriage.... But 11 months? No.

She's either not playing with a full deck or she's giving you a ride... And if you stay, the ride will at one point resume.


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## Writer

My first thought about it was the OM has a pregnancy fetish. Why he did it really doesn't matter. What concerns me is your wife.

You have just been married. You are just getting out of the honeymoon stage (typically lasts 1 year into the marriage), and she is already cheating. Also, she is suppose to be entering the nesting stage, making the place safe for the child and herself. I don't think flying someone in is making things safe. She is taking unnecessary risks.

I would divorce her. Take a paternity test to find out if the child is yours. If it is yours, take care of the child. She is the innocent in this matter. 

Do it soon before the baby is born because you could be legally liable even if you are married to her and she gives birth to another's child.


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## lordmayhem

Personally, I don't think this is her first rodeo, or like others have said, she's mentally unstable. Heck, this might not even be OMs first trip there. If her story is true, then this is even more dangerous behavior, letting a total fly in and banging him in the marital bed to top it off. 

But stranger things have happened. In Thorburn's case, all it took was for the OM to tell his WW that she was pretty, and she was ready to bang this OM. It's hard to believe some people really are that cheap and easy, but its true.


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## Innosenses

Aw, this is sad! But I feel your pain. I say go to counseling and have the paternity test done. I see you love this girl and she might need you to show her what marriage is about (two grown adults working through loving each other!) Now after you give her this chance and if she blows it big time you would already know if the child is yours and you will know that your wife is not wife material. I will pray that the marriage works even if the baby is not your.


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## Kasler

Divorce, completely unacceptable.

She should've been imagining raising a child with you. Not seizing upon a chance to bang a stranger in the marital bed while you were visiting an ill family member.(which is a complete and huge sign disrespect for the marriage)

Conspiring to cheat on her husband while pregnant, most definitely not marriage material. 

Infidelity within the first year is a humongous black flag. Not a red one, but pitch black.

If this is how she reacts in the honeymoon phase of marriage its gonna be all 9th ring of hell when the tough times of the marriage come. 

Get out now.

Also get a paternity test and DO NOT put your name of the birth certificate unless you have positive results.


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## MrWombat

Am I Dreaming? said:


> There are so many levels to her betrayal. In our home. In ourbed. While pregnant. With my child.


What makes you think that? 

First, a person that cheats doesn't just cheat once.

Second, a woman who cheats on her husband doesn't respect him, and no woman wants to bear the child of a man she doesn't respect. 

Why this d-bag out of all the d-bags in the world, when she is nearly full term? why would he come to see a heavily pregnant woman? 

He's the father, dude. Don't bond with this child. Get out, and paternity test. Lawyer up.


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## AlphaHalf

Whoooa , not only cheated but but put the baby at risk for catching an STD. Get a Divorce and a Paternity test. This women is trash and a simple minded gardening tool.


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## Torrivien

Previous posters said it all.
If she presists on her claims and your feelings are still strong (there's no wrong in this) I think polygraph tests are in order.
However, if you're strong about divorce (and again, there's no wrong in this) you should protect yourself and seek legal advice on the spot.

Her being pregnant complicates things big time. I don't suggest a 180 in this case for the sake of the unborn baby, but you should make it clear that you caring for her comes from good moral and ethics not the feeling that she didn't do something wrong.

The douche (as you accurately put it) may have a pregnant fetish or worse has a fetish of sleeping with another man's wife on the marital bed, the fact that she's pregnant may have been icing on the cake, but it hasn't to do anything with you. 
It's not his job to care for the emotional well being of your wife. What he did and said about her afterwards destroys his claims. He doesn't care about your wife

STD test, parternity test and polygraph test if you still want to be with her.

You raised an important detail, you had to discover by yourself what she did, so it really put her credibility on the weakest spot imaginable.
Be strong, and know that you don't owe her anything anymore. Suppose that you really neglected her, what she did shows that she deserves to be neglected. Taking care of her now tells only about you and your good judgement, so don't think that it's a manhood failiure.


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## costa200

After this behavior how is it that you're using expressions like "my child"? Isn't that a little premature?


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## Malaise

ilgitano said:


> *My first reaction was "who has sex with a 7 month pregnant woman?".. That's right... the father. There might be exceptions but you know very well that you must get a DNA test asap. This is just to see if the kid is yours*.
> 
> *Furthermore... Who pays 4 or 5 hundred dollars for a ticket and flies over for a romp?... Her lover. It quite possible that she's been cheating on you through out your relationship and this woman doesn't appear to be wife material.*
> I do understand when people have affairs after 10 or 20 years of marriage.... But 11 months? No.
> 
> She's either not playing with a full deck or she's giving you a ride... And if you stay, the ride will at one point resume.


:iagree:

Heck, I could put the whole post in bold.


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## Anomnom

It's time to leave. How can you even think to stay? It's disturbing that she's put the child at risk and behaving this way after only 11 months being married. Support the child if it's yours and save yourself a lifetime of more hurt by being married to her any longer. Get out now before the baby complicates further who you feel.


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## dogman

There are certain barriers that when crossed, I have to advise divorce.
...in your bed
...7 months pregnant
...11 months married
...first time meeting the OM. (online crap)

Even God approves of divorce in this situation, at least as far as they say.

This is not the first time for this type of behavior, it's a 50/50 chance the baby is not yours. Foolish to think otherwise.

Just so you can recover, get a polygraph before you divorce so you can know the truth and move on.

I truly wish this didn't happen to you and you didn't need to post here. This should be the best time of your lives.


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## warlock07

ilgitano said:


> My first reaction was "who has sex with a 7 month pregnant woman?".. That's right... the father. There might be exceptions but you know very well that you must get a DNA test asap. This is just to see if the kid is yours.
> 
> Furthermore... Who pays 4 or 5 hundred dollars for a ticket and flies over for a romp?... Her lover. It quite possible that she's been cheating on you through out your relationship and this woman doesn't appear to be wife material.
> 
> I do understand when people have affairs after 10 or 20 years of marriage.... But 11 months? No.
> 
> She's either not playing with a full deck or she's giving you a ride... And if you stay, the ride will at one point resume.


The OM might well be a sick f*ck hunting for pregnant woman. How did he even meet the OP's wife in the first place, unless she wanted it?

OP, divorce her but support the child if it is yours. And get yourself tested for STDs


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## RWB

Nasty.


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## F-102

She sounds like she's trickle truthing you. She may appear remorseful and be telling you what you want to hear so that you won't bail on her. She'll probably be giving you the guilt trip of abandoning her while she's pregnant and the baby not having a father.

I agree with others. You have probably only seen the tip of the iceberg, and if you stay with her, I predict more heartbreak down the road.

I would reassure her that the baby, if mine, will indeed have a good father-but she will no longer have a husband.


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## walkonmars

Devestating news for you. 
Would be moreso if it turns out she paid for any part of his trip. 

Forgetting the betrayal for a moment (as if it were possible) i'd hate to know that some scuzball (and his ilk) know where i live. Who knows what other personal info he has about you that you dont know about him.


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## Baffled01

Wow, this is a bad one. Alot of info missing though. 7 mos. pregnant and records of contact for at least 6 mos. Yeah, he could be the father. 

Do you know if she invited him, or did he just seize the opportunity and show up at the door as soon as he found out you were out of town. He could be an airline employee or something and be able to hop on a flight anytime for free.

What site did they meet on,,, facebook, skype? Is he an old friend or just some sleeze from a Yahoo group of somethin'?


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## Malaise

walkonmars said:


> Devestating news for you.
> Would be moreso if it turns out she paid for any part of his trip.
> 
> Forgetting the betrayal for a moment (as if it were possible) i'd hate to know that some scuzball (and his ilk) know where i live. Who knows what other personal info he has about you that you dont know about him.


:iagree:


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## Sara8

Am I Dreaming? said:


> Title says it all. I found out when I noticed her being all types of shady. Snooped in her email (bad I know but bite me). Found 6 months worth of chats and emails.
> 
> I went home to visit my sick brother on August 24th and was gone through Sunday. This dude flew in from Chicago and gets here Friday afternoon and they have a ****fest in our bed until Sunday AM. Its pretty ****ing disgusting. I confronted her with the barebones and after grilling her she finally confessed to all of this. Swears it was only this one time. Swears she has never cheated before.
> 
> We've only been married for 11 months. Who the **** cheats while pregnant and less than year of being married? I asked her why and she says she was lonely and he paid attention to her so she felt like she owed him. Apparently she never met him IRL until the ****fest.
> 
> I emailed this guy myself and he is a douche's douche. Blames me. I eventually say something to the effect of you can have her if you want. He says he doesn't care about her and that I can keep her. This is who she risked our family for. I don't know what his deal is. Its mind blowing to me that someone would pay for a flight ticket to have sex with some other man's pregnant wife. And not even lightly pregnant. My wife was 7 months pregnant at the time.
> 
> I don't know where to go from here. A strong part of me just wants to say **** this and bail. Get a quick divorce and let her raise the kid and pay child support. Just move the **** on. I don't see how our marriage can survive this.
> 
> She is outwardly remorseful but I had to catch her. She didn't confess anything. There are so many levels to her betrayal. In our home. In ourbed. While pregnant. With my child. Planned. More than once.
> 
> Has anyone been through anything like this? Is there any hope? Any advice?
> 
> TL : DR Pregnant wife had an affair while carrying my child.


I haven't yet read the entire thread. 

Cheating this early in a marriage is a very bad sign, IMO. 

Also, get a DNA on this pregnancy. She may have cheated prior.

You are right there are so many levels of disrespect here. 

Most men who cheat do not want to marry the affair partners. They just want a little extra curricular sex. 

Very often, too, as I found out by reading the OW's emails to my STBEH, the housewives, usually bored and without the ability to keep their mind's occupied on their own,,are throwing themselves at other married men, and practically begging for sex. 

Cheating housewives with children seems to have risen dramatically in the past ten years, by my observation and according several EDU studies. 

It may be the internet, it may be shows like desperate housewives. 

Sorry you are here.


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## Baffled01

One other thing is most OB's don't recommend sex beyond the 7th month for pregnant women, and then add sleeping with a sleezy stranger who probably sleeps with other women as well really has put that baby in danger.


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## Sara8

AlphaHalf said:


> Whoooa , not only cheated but but put the baby at risk for catching an STD. Get a Divorce and a Paternity test. This women is trash and a simple minded gardening tool.


Yes, the STD thing is sick. Some viruses can go through condoms and can damage a baby. Herpes can do great harm to a baby if it is caught prior to being born. 

If the child does turn out to be your child, you may be able to get full custody based on her irresponsible behavior. 

I am so sorry. 

Why do we BS's always seemed to be blind sided by this behavior. 

I am not an ignorant unaware person, and I can't believe I was fooled for so long and even after Dday my spouse was making a fool of me.


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## Kallan Pavithran

The worst women a man can have, A rare piece of women who dosent worry about her child born as HIV+ve, A rare women who can bang some one from internet who never told her the truth (As none says truth when they are dating thru internet), A rare women who can plan and commit the heinous act of sh!tting on her marital bed. Even wh0res worry about her child.

But the question is do you want to be with this women for another second?

It will be very tough for you to find an excuse for staying with her....................


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## survivorwife

Baffled01 said:


> One other thing is most OB's don't recommend sex beyond the 7th month for pregnant women, and then add sleeping with a sleezy stranger who probably sleeps with other women as well really has put that baby in danger.



Unless the "sleezy stranger" is actually the baby's daddy and is no "stranger" at all.


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## Shaggy

That was the kid's father in your bed with her. there is no way, no way at all that this was one time. 

Think about it, the two of you planned and worked to have the kid. And ONE month later she's on the Internet meeting a guy to start emailing and planning a hookup with?

And he jumps on a plane to fly in for a weekend just like that?

--

Question: How did they meet?

Question: Is he married or have a gf? - DO not listen to him or your wife - find out. Hire a PI if you have to, but find out this guy's shoe size. AND Expose him. At a minimum exposing to his mother that he's a sleazy loser that flys in to do this stuff should humiliate him to his mother. But if her has a wife/gf - it will really hit home.

As for your wife - YOU need to see a lawyer immediately. I would also take her to the doctor with you in the room and explain what she has done and that you demand: 1) STD tests, 2) DNA test on the child. Do it with your wife and doctor in the room together.

Today - take the bed and throw it out, and buy yourself a new one for you bedroom. If you feel kind - buy a new twin bed for another room for your wife to sleep on.

Take the clothes and lingerie she wore for him and throw them out.

Even if the child is yours, I would file for D. What she did was so cold and heartless. It's so off the scale that I think what you've caught is her real lifestyle. Pregnant women at 7 months do not fly in guys for a sex-fest. They just don't. The way she was able to do it, without tipping you off before you left , and able to lie when you called while gone , reveal that this IS NOT her first time cheating. No first time cheater would be that cold or calculating. 

Get that DNA test.

Expose the OM.

Expose your wife.


File for D - If the child is yours you can be a good dad and be divorced.


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## SweetAndSour

Don't count on her story a bit.

The whole chicago story may be a total bullsh!t. He may be next door, saying hi to you everyday.

"It happend just once" is a common lie that waywards commonly stick to.

Or there may really be another guy in chicago that you caught but....


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## naga75

kinda been through it, yes.
my wife carried on an affair for over a year with a married douche she met at the gym.
while pregnant. she quit with him (supposedly...according to his wife...who knew about it a year ago and never had the common fkn decency to let me know) from her 5th month till a few months after our daughter was born.
yes she is my daughter. she looks exactly like me, not, thankfully, like the peanut head ugly fk my wife was banging.
never, once again SUPPOSEDLY, in our bed or house, but pretty much anywhere and everywhere else.
subjected herself, me and our child to a chlamydia scare, because @sshat was banging another girl that ended up with it. funny thing is, my wife and him kept at it even after that. sick, huh?
i havent posted my tale here yet, still trying to process it myself.
i chose to stay. i wonder sometimes when i am angry, if i made the right choice. and im angry a lot. but i think it speaks volumes of MY character to stay and work through a seemingly impossible situation.
i have thought about it long and deeply, and my wife seems to be truly remorseful and trying to put forth a real effort. finally, after catching her in lie after lie and essentially telling the OM that if he didnt leave my wife alone he would be drooling on himself and wearing diapers for the rest of his life, i think they have stopped all contact.
"think" being the operative word here.
one day i will post my whole story on here to be dissected by the experts.
until then, i just wanted to chime in and say YES, there are other people that have been through something like this.
think about your choices. carefully. dont be afraid to be alone. and dont be afraid to be a single dad.
good luck man, its a long painful road no matter your decision.


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## GotMeWonderingNow

naga75 - it sounds like you should start a thread. Just writing stuff down and getting feedback can be therapeutic. I'd hate to be bottling that stuff up. Good to see you made your first post in any case.


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## Entropy3000

Baffled01 said:


> One other thing is most OB's don't recommend sex beyond the 7th month for pregnant women, and then add sleeping with a sleezy stranger who probably sleeps with other women as well really has put that baby in danger.


Let alone taking the chance for a stranger to beat her up and hurt the baby more directly. Or worse.


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## lordmayhem

Unless, like others have said, this is no stranger.


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## SadSamIAm

I don't believe her story, but even if it is true, you need to do the same things:

1) End the marriage
2) Expose. If anyone close to her asks why, tell them the truth. You wife needs to feel consequences for what she has done.
3) DNA test to see if the baby is yours
4) If the baby is yours, be a father. If the baby isn't yours, then never look back.

If your marriage is salvageable, this is the only way to make it work. Ending the marriage and exposing will ensure your wife knows you won't put up with cheating. If you don't do this, and let her off easy, she will surely cheat her next opportunity.

Her actions and attitude once you take action will show how she truly feels about you. End the marriage, move on, and maybe after a few months she will have earned your respect again and will deserve another chance.


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## KanDo

I am so sorry you are here. I am also sorry for your (maybe) unborn child. You are perhaps in the worst possible situation. At 11 months of marriage you should still be in the honeymoon phase. I would divorce her. As already stated, get the kid DNA checked before your on the hook for the child support. I agree that this is very unlikely to be her first rodeo.....
Get out whle you can with little damage.


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## Kallan Pavithran

Did you exposed her? Do it else she will make up some story of you abandoning her during her pregnancy.
Did you done the STD check up?


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## Vanguard

Throw her out. Now. What a piece of sh*t. 

As others have already stated, she's lying to you- this is not the first time she's cheated on you. Tell everyone, right now. Tell her family, your family and all your mutual friends. 

I am so, so sorry for what you're going through, brother. It is worse than any other pain you could ever experience. But DON'T allow her to escape the consequence of what she has done. Divorce her now. If you try to make this work you will spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder. You will spend the rest of your life wondering if she's really going to the store. 

Don't tell her you're going to do anything- just do it. Let her figure out what's going on. Divorce her pompous, self-entitled butt, and kick her out. In ten years you will be begging me to let you buy me a drink. 

You do NOT want to raise a child with this "woman."


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## MrQuatto

As many others have said on these boards before, "you know a cheater is lying because their lips are moving."

I would be SHOCKED if it were any different in this instance. 

Test test test and you might dig more into emails, txt messages and such. You might find more of the truth.

Q~


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## Jonesey

ilgitano said:


> *My first reaction was "who has sex with a 7 month pregnant woman?".. That's right... the father. *Was thinking the same..*There might be exceptions but you know very well that you must get a DNA test asap. This is just to see if the kid is yours.*This is to freaky. i mean 7 months pregnant.
> I have libido like the next one..But flying out long distance ,to F..k
> with someone who is 7 mont pre go..WTF..To freaky..
> 
> OP PLEASE DIG DEEPER IN this..Check phone record´s key logg computer.. Place VAR (VoiceAcrivatedRecorder) In every room.
> 
> Furthermore... Who pays 4 or 5 hundred dollars for a ticket and flies over for a romp?... Her lover.Actually you would be surprised..How desperate Somme Dochbags really are..I use to believe ,before Like no way..BUT.. It quite possible that she's been cheating on you through out your relationship and this woman doesn't appear to be wife material.
> 
> Would not be overly surprised ,if it turned out that way
> I do understand when people have affairs after 10 or 20 years of marriage.... But 11 months? No.
> 
> She's either not playing with a full deck or she's giving you a ride... And if you stay, the ride will at one point resume.


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## Jonesey

lordmayhem said:


> Yep, better have the kid DNA tested. She can freaking have some guy fly in from Chicago and bang him in the marital bed while SEVEN MONTHS prego? Because he paid attention to her on the fracking internet? Is she really that cheap and easy?
> 
> :wtf:
> 
> *Just when you think you've read it all, another horrific story comes along.*


:iagree:


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

Think of all the wonderful lessons your little girl will get to learn from her Mom. Jr. High and High School are not going to be fun for you brother. 

I'm sorry man. What she did is not a mistake, She's broken dude.


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## AngryandUsed

WTH!

Sorry, OP.


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## TheGoodFight

Wow, this story is a bad trigger for me. My wife cheated while pregnant too, so you are not alone.

Being only a year into the marriage, IMO you would be foolish to stay.

Lot's of good advice here. Follow it.


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## badbane

Am I Dreaming? said:


> Title says it all. I found out when I noticed her being all types of shady. Snooped in her email (bad I know but bite me). Found 6 months worth of chats and emails.
> 
> I went home to visit my sick brother on August 24th and was gone through Sunday. This dude flew in from Chicago and gets here Friday afternoon and they have a ****fest in our bed until Sunday AM. Its pretty ****ing disgusting. I confronted her with the barebones and after grilling her she finally confessed to all of this. Swears it was only this one time. Swears she has never cheated before.
> 
> We've only been married for 11 months. Who the **** cheats while pregnant and less than year of being married? I asked her why and she says she was lonely and he paid attention to her so she felt like she owed him. Apparently she never met him IRL until the ****fest.
> 
> I emailed this guy myself and he is a douche's douche. Blames me. I eventually say something to the effect of you can have her if you want. He says he doesn't care about her and that I can keep her. This is who she risked our family for. I don't know what his deal is. Its mind blowing to me that someone would pay for a flight ticket to have sex with some other man's pregnant wife. And not even lightly pregnant. My wife was 7 months pregnant at the time.
> 
> I don't know where to go from here. A strong part of me just wants to say **** this and bail. Get a quick divorce and let her raise the kid and pay child support. Just move the **** on. I don't see how our marriage can survive this.
> 
> She is outwardly remorseful but I had to catch her. She didn't confess anything. There are so many levels to her betrayal. In our home. In ourbed. While pregnant. With my child. Planned. More than once.
> 
> Has anyone been through anything like this? Is there any hope? Any advice?
> 
> TL : DR Pregnant wife had an affair while carrying my child.


STeps you need to take are 

1) gets an std test for yourself and your wife. I mean she could contract something that can hurt your child. 
2) Have a dna test run on the baby. Even if you know the child is yours. It just drives home how much you don't trust her.
3) Contact expose her to her family and friends ( this is not a vindictive act this is to create a support system to protect your marriage, it also roots out anyone who was toxic and supported or encouraged her infidelity.
4) MAke your wife send the Other man a no contact letter. "something along the lines of , I am sorry this was a terrible mistake, I do not ever way to communicate with you ever again. I am focusing on my marriage and this will be the last communication we ever have. "
5) Make a list of things your wife must do in order for you to consider taking her back. Even if you aren't considering D right now you still need ensure that she is willing to do whatever is necessary to stay in the relationship.

6) I would even go so far as to creating a post nup in the event she she can't mantain her fidelity. 

I would hold off on the list until after the baby is born. Since putting her under a lot of stress can hurt the baby. 

7) I would suggest you look up the 180. I would be there for your wife. Go through the motions but as far as defining the future with your wife that needs to be put on hold. 

8) You need to have access to all of her online existence. email accounts, cell phones, skpye, I pad passwords, everything you can possible get from here.


----------



## MattMatt

> While pregnant. With my child.


 *Apparently.*

You need DNA testing on the child before your name is put on the birth certificate. 

And you need to have STD tests and HIV tests on yourself and the child. 

This is one hell of a mess. Can you recover from this?

I am, I suppose, known on TAM for favouring recovery. But this? This makes me shrug my shoulders and say: "It's possible. But should you even try?"


----------



## WhereAmI

Baffled01 said:


> One other thing is most OB's don't recommend sex beyond the 7th month for pregnant women


Not true at all...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## husbandfool

Why would you want to??


----------



## MattMatt

husbandfool said:


> Why would you want to??


Why? Why, because you love the woman who is the mother of your... oh... damn.


----------



## Gabriel

2 posts for the OP....


----------



## MattMatt

What was shocking was that several other posters chimed in with: "Well, exactly the same thing happened to me!"

Kind of floored by that.


----------



## badbane

There is pregnancy fetish out there guys. Fetishes are real things and just goes to show you that you have to pay attention at all times. You never know when some Snake in the Grass is going to go after your wife in her weaknesses.


----------



## 67flh

dude run like you azz is on fire, and demand a dna test.pay for everything outta her half of any martial assets.


----------



## tacoma

If you are set on divorce get it started before she gives birth.. 

Once she gives birth have a paternity test run on the child.. 
You may luck out and get off with no child support.


----------



## aug

You dont have much time here. She's is going to give birth in a month or so. You must move quickly to protect yourself. Pronto! Dont let your hesitation cost you 18 to 23 years of support.

You dont know if the child is yours or not. If after the child is born, and a paternity test confirms the child is yours, you can claim the fatherhood.

*
Get a good lawyer. File for divorce now. Serve her now!*

You need to do this to protect yourself financially and to prevent being locked in legally to provide for another man's child for 18 to 23 years. A child (even though you are not the father) born into a marriage, by default, becomes your financial and legal responsibility.


Serve the divorce on her now. You can always retract the divorce later (though I dont see why you should if she can cheat on you so early in the marriage).

Dont let your emotions cripple you from doing this critical step.


----------



## ImperfectMomma

Everyone has already given you terrifc advice. I just wanted to say, wow. I am so sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jonesey

badbane said:


> There is pregnancy fetish out there guys. Fetishes are real things and just goes to show you that you have to pay attention at all times. You never know when some Snake in the Grass is going to go after your wife in her weaknesses.


Your right about that this kind of fetish exist.

But however it begs the question, does the wife have that kind of fetish? I mean normal women would be groused out. If some another man wanted,and mad move for sex with a 7 months pregnant women. Unless it was her husband .Also how did the meet?

Was OM looking? Or the "wife"


----------



## costa200

MattMatt said:


> *Apparently.*
> 
> You need DNA testing on the child before your name is put on the birth certificate.
> 
> And you need to have STD tests and HIV tests on yourself and the child.
> 
> This is one hell of a mess. Can you recover from this?
> 
> I am, I suppose, known on TAM for favouring recovery. But this? This makes me shrug my shoulders and say: "It's possible. But should you even try?"


Yeah, some cheaters just go that extra mile don't they?


----------



## MattMatt

costa200 said:


> Yeah, some cheaters just go that extra mile don't they?


And in this case the OP should take that extra mile and use it to run like hell.


----------



## Mr. Self Destruct

I agree with the comment about a "snake in the grass preying on a wife's weakness". That is spot on. Especially if she is pregnant/hormonal/lonely etc. Im not excusing her actions, but the guy flying in from out of state sounds like a sicko and deserves a good ass kicking. I hate these kind of men. No class, no morals...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Am I Dreaming?

I'm sorry for disappearing on this thread. I never expected this many responses. People asked a lot of questions. I'll try to fill in the blanks. I spent all day today after work just looking through all of her emails. I stole the account from her (logged in and changed the password which I thought was kind of smart and I have copies of all of the emails). 

The emails started around March and he started off by private messaging her off another site. I can see their introduction emails and all of that. Its really clear that she met him only then. It can't be his child. He was the aggressor. Through and through. 

This guy is a real ****ing POS. I have no idea how he sleeps at home. He just ruined a family for his ****fest. A little girl is not going to have a normal life ever because of his selfishness (and hers). And yes this ****ing creep has a pregnancy fetish. Its pretty damn disgusting. The emails are some of the filthiest garbage I've ever had to read. 

My wife is promising me anything. She is begging me not to leave her. Like every apology you can imagine. How she'll make it up to me for the rest of our lives. How she temporarily lost her mind. 

I don't know if this makes me cold but I still can't stand the sight of her. She sickens me. Yes, she got played but she chose to get played. There was no need to ever be talking to this guy and no need to invite him into our home. She has to deal with the consequences of this which his divorce. 

Like everyone said its not even been a year. Its not going to get better. I'm planning on talking to an attorney within the week and moving forward.


----------



## walkonmars

You're doing the wise thing in consulting atty to know your rights/obligations from here on out. Don't blame you one bit.

I know you're convinced baby isn't dirtbag's, still, a paternity test is in order. No telling what other fetishes she's indulged in in earlier days. You don't have to hate her & and parting need not be bitter. Take comfort that NONE of this was your fault.


----------



## Jonesey

Am I Dreaming? said:


> I'm sorry for disappearing on this thread. I never expected this many responses. People asked a lot of questions. I'll try to fill in the blanks. I spent all day today after work just looking through all of her emails. I stole the account from her (logged in and changed the password which I thought was kind of smart and I have copies of all of the emails).
> 
> The emails started around March and he started off by private messaging her off another site. I can see their introduction emails and all of that. Its really clear that she met him only then. It can't be his child. *He was the aggressor.*In the beginning,yes! *
> 
> Through and through.* Wrong.. plain wrong. Your "Wife" is a grown up.She could have stopped at any point.But chose sadly not to..
> 
> *This guy is a real ****ing POS.* *In that your completely right** I have no idea how he sleeps at home. He just ruined a family for his ****fest. A little girl is not going to have a normal life ever because of his selfishness *(and *hers).* And how is your wife sleeping??
> 
> *And yes this ****ing creep has a pregnancy fetish.* *Its pretty damn disgusting*. *The emails are some of the filthiest garbage I've ever had to read.* *And your wife at what point did she develop that kind of fetish?*
> 
> * She is begging me not to leave her. Like every apology you can imagine. How she'll make it up to me for the rest of our lives. How she temporarily lost her mind. *
> Standard excuses unfurtunally
> 
> 
> *My wife is promising me anything* All cheaters do..She is no exception. *I don't know if this makes me cold but I still can't stand the sight of her. She sickens me.*No one can blame you on that one.. Yes,* she got played* She did not get played.* but she chose to get played.* You are completely right there. There was no need to ever be talking to this guy and *no need to invite him into our home. **That was the whole plan..Fetish remember..
> When they started to talk.She was not so far gone..Months laiter she was..Get my point??*
> 
> She has to deal with the consequences of this which his divorce.
> 
> *Like everyone said its not even been a year.**Oh man, sorry to have to say this.But think about it started in March.So it wasen´t even a couple of month´s in*. Its not going to get better. I'm planning on talking to an attorney within the week and moving forward.



*Yes move forward is exactly what you should do..The extensive counseling she would need..Is out of this world..*

Im being deliberately harsh here..So you do not. label OM: Dochbag. soul responsible. Your wife was in on it as well.

At some point.Cant say when, the whole idea of the fetish
started to turn her on....Hence on of the reason the weekend happened when 7months prego.

The biggest reason am being harsh. Is right now.Your emotion are flying around everywhere .So you might think differently
about things.When the worst dust have settled in. And the child 
is born..The point here is. DONT paint OMouchbag as a PREDATOR. And your "wife" a blameless lonely,has hormone´s al over the place ,pregnant women..

She new always did..And please dont make any rash decision right now. See a attorney is probable a good idea,as of now.

Sorry that you have to go true,and be robed of what should be the happiest time in your life


----------



## Shaggy

Take the OM's info and post it on cheaterville.com so others can know what a POS he is.

So how did he find her back then?


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Am I Dreaming, I am so sorry that you're going through this nightmare. Most of us betrayed spouses at least got the chance to enjoy a honeymoon period free of infidelity. Many of us got to experience the sheer happiness that comes from witnessing the births of our children. We also got a chance to have several years worth of a happy marriage. 

But not you. I can't even imagine the hurt that you must be feeling because of your wife's betrayal. Get a prenatal paternity test, get tested for STDs, and file for an annulment. I can't imagine how you could get past the despicable actions of your wife.


----------



## jnj express

I understand where you are coming from, and if you read most of my responses, I am pretty much very harsh about things

You gotta slow down here a minute and figure this out---forget the lover---your beef is with your wife, and she is pretty low----but---all that aside, she is 7 months preggers, WITH YOUR CHILD, and that child has done nothing WRONG------

You can get things all lined up---but you need to be around thru the birth of YOUR CHILD, after that decide your options, maybe you want to take the child, and cut your cheating wife out of you and the child's lives---its all up to you for now, but for a while you must do what is right by that INNOCENT BABY


----------



## larry.gray

Am I Dreaming? said:


> I'm sorry for disappearing on this thread. I never expected this many responses. People asked a lot of questions. I'll try to fill in the blanks. I spent all day today after work just looking through all of her emails. I stole the account from her (logged in and changed the password which I thought was kind of smart and I have copies of all of the emails).


Smart.... but change the secret question answers too so she can't set it back.


----------



## donny64

Not only did she put you at rist, SHE PUT THE BABY AT RISK. Many STD's are no joke when it comes to pregnancy and childbirth. That alone would have me sending her down the road. Not to mention the fact she had sex with another while my child was in her?

Sorry man, but that is as low as it gets. It's disgusting beyond comprehension. That she has soiled this pregnancy and childbirth for you and put the baby in harms way would be too much for me. No way to come back from that.

First, have a paternity test done. Then, if it is yours, do your best to maintain a relationship with the child. The child doesn't deserve this. You've been dealt a truly chitty hand, but the child deserves a father and a stable man in its life. Judging by your wife's behavior, I doubt there will be many of those around.


----------



## MattMatt

What kind of site were they on? Would it be worth reporting them to the site?


----------



## aug

jnj express said:


> I understand where you are coming from, and if you read most of my responses, I am pretty much very harsh about things
> 
> You gotta slow down here a minute and figure this out---forget the lover---your beef is with your wife, and she is pretty low----but---all that aside, she is 7 months preggers, WITH YOUR CHILD, and that child has done nothing WRONG------
> 
> You can get things all lined up---but you need to be around thru the birth of YOUR CHILD, after that decide your options, maybe you want to take the child, and cut your cheating wife out of you and the child's lives---its all up to you for now, but for a while you must do what is right by that INNOCENT BABY



Not his child till proven with a paternity test. 

What the wife did showed that this is not likely to be a one-of event. She has some experience in cheating. And cheaters lie -- that should be obvious.


----------



## aug

donny64 said:


> Not only did she put you at rist,* SHE PUT THE BABY AT RISK. Many STD's are no joke when it comes to pregnancy and childbirth.* That alone would have me sending her down the road. Not to mention the fact she had sex with another while my child was in her?



This is a very serious point. 

The fetus needs to be checked asap. You dont want the child to be born with a defect if it can be addressed while in the womb.

See an obstetrician and provide him/her with this history.


----------



## MattMatt

aug said:


> This is a very serious point.
> 
> The fetus needs to be checked asap. You dont want the child to be born with a defect if it can be addressed while in the womb.
> 
> See an obstetrician and provide him/her with this history.


:iagree:

Your child's life is potentially at risk.

The POSOM will continue to put other unborn babies at risk untill he is exposed. Cheaterville.com would be a good place to start.


----------



## warlock07

Where did she meet him ? A dating site ? If she signed up, her intentions will be much more clearer.



> How she temporarily lost her mind.


6 months is temporary?


----------



## Baffled01

warlock07 said:


> Where did she meet him ? A dating site ? If she signed up, her intentions will be much more clearer.
> 
> 
> 6 months is temporary?


Yeah I think this is important. Which site was this creep lurking on? Expose them too. Unless it's one of those dating sites intended for cheating wives and one night stands, they should be notified.

This doesn't of course, excuse her, but as another poster put it on another thread, there is no shortage of lonely housewives making easy prey for these morally bankrupt scumbags.


----------



## dogman

I'm usually all for R, even with some long term affairs but in this case, you have to Divorce her because you will be in danger of similar things every time you are too busy to constantly check up on her. I can't see how you could ever trust her again.
You figure your pretty safe in the first year of marriage then on top of that she was seven months pregnant, you should have been very safe. 

Stay strong and no matter what move on and look forward to finding a loyal decent, not broken woman.

By the way you are not doing this to your child, she did. You are just reacting to her destruction. Not your fault.


----------



## survivorwife

Am I Dreaming? said:


> I'm sorry for disappearing on this thread. I never expected this many responses. People asked a lot of questions. I'll try to fill in the blanks. I spent all day today after work just looking through all of her emails. I stole the account from her (logged in and changed the password which I thought was kind of smart and I have copies of all of the emails).
> 
> The emails started around March and he started off by private messaging her off another site. I can see their introduction emails and all of that. Its really clear that she met him only then. It can't be his child. He was the aggressor. Through and through.
> 
> This guy is a real ****ing POS. I have no idea how he sleeps at home. He just ruined a family for his ****fest. A little girl is not going to have a normal life ever because of his selfishness (and hers). And yes this ****ing creep has a pregnancy fetish. Its pretty damn disgusting. The emails are some of the filthiest garbage I've ever had to read.
> 
> My wife is promising me anything. She is begging me not to leave her. Like every apology you can imagine. How she'll make it up to me for the rest of our lives. How she temporarily lost her mind.
> 
> I don't know if this makes me cold but I still can't stand the sight of her. She sickens me. Yes, she got played but she chose to get played. There was no need to ever be talking to this guy and no need to invite him into our home. She has to deal with the consequences of this which his divorce.
> 
> Like everyone said its not even been a year. Its not going to get better. I'm planning on talking to an attorney within the week and moving forward.


Good luck with the attorney and I wish you well. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through, and I sincerely hope that some time in the future you can begin your life anew, without her.

Food for thought. Yes. There are all kinds of predators among us, but most of us will not become "victims" because we are faithful to those we love. While the emails disgust you as the BS, those same emails had a different affect on your W. She was actually tempted by them, while most of us, including yourself would not be. The point it, predator or not, your W enjoyed the emails and took the bait and must acknowledge that conscious betrayal not only to you but to the unborn child. She risked it all, based on those awful emails from a stranger.

Whether you believe that the child is yours or not, get a DNA test. It won't hurt to know for sure and her behavior suggests that her word or her morals can't be trusted. Her judgment is forever tainted by this betrayal.


----------



## Chris22

That was a completely horrible thing to do. I find that completely unforgivable, like everyone has said, your first year of marriage should be an amazing time for you both to share together, and if you are expecting a baby? Then all the more amazing (albeit often tougher) I wouldn't see any option other than divorce if it was me. She has completely disrespected you and devastated your family unit before it even had a chance to properly begin. 

Well done for being strong through this man, NONE of this is in anyway down to you. She made a horrible decision. This would absolutely destroy any sane man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

Two months into marriage she signed for a dating site and hooked up, What kind of a lady she is? She is not a marriage material for even the worst abusive men.

Begging for forgiveness.REALLY? 

Lost temporarily? ya six months out of eleven months of marriage is definitely a short period. After ten yrs (if you choose to be with her) then she will be lost for 8 or 9 yrs temporarily.


----------



## river rat

jnj express said:


> I understand where you are coming from, and if you read most of my responses, I am pretty much very harsh about things
> 
> You gotta slow down here a minute and figure this out---forget the lover---your beef is with your wife, and she is pretty low----but---all that aside, she is 7 months preggers, WITH YOUR CHILD, and that child has done nothing WRONG------
> 
> You can get things all lined up---but you need to be around thru the birth of YOUR CHILD, after that decide your options, maybe you want to take the child, and cut your cheating wife out of you and the child's lives---its all up to you for now, but for a while you must do what is right by that INNOCENT BABY


Yes, the child is innocent, but she will suffer for her mother's actions, no matter what the outcome. Being raised in a family in which the parents hate each other is very destructive to the child. Sometimes you can be a better parent if you are apart. The pregnancy is not a good reason to stay.


----------



## F-102

delhiprincess said:


> even Jerry springer show could not come up with such example.


No, but Maury can!


----------



## dymo

What do you know about the other man? Do you know his name? Do you know if he has a wife/girlfriend of his own? If he does, it needs to be exposed.

Take the paternity test. Just in case this wasn't her first time.


----------



## Shaggy

I think you need to realize you have the power of the Internet to absolutely shame the OM for what he has done. - USE IT.


----------



## MattMatt

Shaggy said:


> I think you need to realize you have the power of the Internet to absolutely shame the OM for what he has done. - USE IT.


:iagree:

Do it sooner, rather than later.

Also, expose your 'wife' to your family, to her family to all your friends. (Before she gets round them all with lies about you.)


----------



## Am I Dreaming?

I know my wife isn't innocent in this. I know that. Its just really apparent from the emails that this guy pulled the mind**** of the century on her. I can see the progression of her being friendly, him being aggressive, and her gradually giving in more and more until it gets to the point of these disgusting, sex conversations. And then the ****fest. 

The website was reddit. So not a dating site. He started off PMing her with some "friendly advice". She gives him her email and then they started chatting for hours and hours. I honestly have no clue what is wrong with this man. He is totally ****ed in the head. 

To the users that told me to slow down... I know. I just don't want to take a second and then let her talk me into staying, _for the baby_. I want to make sure people know I didn't leave her after the baby was born so I want the divorce started before she gives birth. I'm playing my cards close to my vest and I haven't told her yet. She surprised me with the ****fest - she can be surprised by the divorce. 

I don't want to shame her but I want to make sure I don't get tagged as the bad guy in this. I'm going to tell my family this weekend and I think hers as well. I don't think she will tell them on her own. 

I do have love for her still and the life we started and the child we made. But I deserve better. I didn't do anything to deserve her ****ing another man while carrying my baby in our home. I was working overtime for our unborn child. And she repaid me by ****ing someone else. I know I need to go and there is no saving this. I am 100% committed to divorce. It is the only option. I lost all my respect for her after seeing what she did. This can't be fixed. 

Thank you to everyone for the sympathy and advice.


----------



## Kasler

Good plan, but like you said play it close to the chest, don't let her know what you plan to do.

Also she was NOT mindfked in this at all. 

EAs only go as far as a person lets them, period. I've have slight come ons. But when I sense courtesy and friendly socializing turns into personal interest, I quickly make my status known. As of now I do it automatically. Like I'll show a woman a picture of my GF and son and I and then I'll notice she'll gravitate more towards my friends while we're out for drinks. If they still don't get the picture then I bluntly state that I'm taken and its not happening, something called having boundaries and respecting your partner, which your wife lacks. 

She knew it was getting inappropriate, but she LIKED it, elsewise she wouldn't have given more and more. I've seen plenty of times in real life. When a woman isn't feeling a guy, no matter how much he pushes up or pressures shes not hooking up with him. 

She got the thrills and wanted more and more, and then was just as aggressive as he was, just not in the same manner. She may not have been requesting the propositions, but she knew they'd come, wanted them to come, and accepted them after they came. No amount of 'aggressive propositions' would get me to betray the woman I love, in fact any such propositions would most likely enrage me at the audacity and low morals of the person making them.

She is COMPLETELY at fault 100%, thats the truth.


----------



## Sara8

Kasler said:


> Good plan, but like you said play it close to the chest, don't let her know what you plan to do.
> 
> Also she was NOT mindfked in this at all.
> 
> EAs only go as far as a person lets them, period. I've have slight come ons. But when I sense courtesy and friendly socializing turns into personal interest, I quickly make my status known. As of now I'] do it automatically. Like I'll show a woman a picture of my GF and son and I and then I'll notice she'll gravitate more towards my friends while we're out for drinks. If they still don't get the picture then I bluntly state that I'm taken and its not happening, something called havingboundaries and respecting your partner, which your wife lacks.
> 
> She knew it was getting inappropriate, but she LIKED it, elsewise she wouldn't have given more and more. I've seen plenty of times in real life. When a woman isn't feeling a guy, no matter how much he pushes up or pressures shes not hooking up with him.
> 
> She got the thrills and wanted more and more, and then was just as aggressive as he was, just not in the same manner. She may not have been requesting the propositions, but she knew they'd come, wanted them to come, and accepted them after they came. No amount of 'aggressive propositions' would get me to betray the woman I love, in fact any such propositions would most likely enrage me at the audacity and low morals of the person making them.
> 
> She is COMPLETELY at fault 100%, thats truth.


Well said.


----------



## dogman

Am I Dreaming? said:


> I know my wife isn't innocent in this. I know that. Its just really apparent from the emails that this guy pulled the mind**** of the century on her. I can see the progression of her being friendly, him being aggressive, and her gradually giving in more and more until it gets to the point of these disgusting, sex conversations. And then the ****fest.
> 
> The website was reddit. So not a dating site. He started off PMing her with some "friendly advice". She gives him her email and then they started chatting for hours and hours. I honestly have no clue what is wrong with this man. He is totally ****ed in the head.
> 
> To the users that told me to slow down... I know. I just don't want to take a second and then let her talk me into staying, _for the baby_. I want to make sure people know I didn't leave her after the baby was born so I want the divorce started before she gives birth. I'm playing my cards close to my vest and I haven't told her yet. She surprised me with the ****fest - she can be surprised by the divorce.
> 
> I don't want to shame her but I want to make sure I don't get tagged as the bad guy in this. I'm going to tell my family this weekend and I think hers as well. I don't think she will tell them on her own.
> 
> I do have love for her still and the life we started and the child we made. But I deserve better. I didn't do anything to deserve her ****ing another man while carrying my baby in our home. I was working overtime for our unborn child. And she repaid me by ****ing someone else. I know I need to go and there is no saving this. I am 100% committed to divorce. It is the only option. I lost all my respect for her after seeing what she did. This can't be fixed.
> 
> Thank you to everyone for the sympathy and advice.



Dude, I'm gonna remind you of the fact that you would never have known if you didn't snoop and you said he flew in on Friday and the had sex repeatedly till Sunday morning.

She is not sorry for doing this she is sorry you found out.

I would bet my house that this is not the first time she has duped you. Maybe not with an online hook up but think back...you know what I'm talking about. 

My point is you are blaming othe other guy and he's maybe sick but mostly it's your wife who has the problems. You need to put blame where it belongs. 

Get her to do a polygraph before you divorce so you can put this in a box and as much as is possible, put it away someday. You have to think about your mental health for your real marriage in the future.


----------



## warlock07

Am I Dreaming? said:


> I know my wife isn't innocent in this. I know that. Its just really apparent from the emails that this guy pulled the mind**** of the century on her. I can see the progression of her being friendly, him being aggressive, and her gradually giving in more and more until it gets to the point of these disgusting, sex conversations. And then the ****fest.
> 
> The website was reddit. So not a dating site. He started off PMing her with some "friendly advice". She gives him her email and then they started chatting for hours and hours. I honestly have no clue what is wrong with this man. He is totally ****ed in the head.
> 
> To the users that told me to slow down... I know. I just don't want to take a second and then let her talk me into staying, _for the baby_. I want to make sure people know I didn't leave her after the baby was born so I want the divorce started before she gives birth. I'm playing my cards close to my vest and I haven't told her yet. She surprised me with the ****fest - she can be surprised by the divorce.
> 
> I don't want to shame her but I want to make sure I don't get tagged as the bad guy in this. I'm going to tell my family this weekend and I think hers as well. I don't think she will tell them on her own.
> 
> I do have love for her still and the life we started and the child we made. But I deserve better. I didn't do anything to deserve her ****ing another man while carrying my baby in our home. I was working overtime for our unborn child. And she repaid me by ****ing someone else. I know I need to go and there is no saving this. I am 100% committed to divorce. It is the only option. I lost all my respect for her after seeing what she did. This can't be fixed.
> 
> Thank you to everyone for the sympathy and advice.



The site does have a dating section though


----------



## Shaggy

Reddit hates , and I mean hates cheaters.

Post him on cheaterville, then post that link on reddit, what he did and let loose. The reddit community will take care of him.


----------



## Shaggy

As for your wife. How exactly is she supposed to be treated as a grownup and responsible enough to care for a child when some looser on reddit can send her a bunch of emails WHICH from the beginning she chose to keep secret from you, and then end up in your bed with her ?

Seriously? 

She knew from the start when she didn't tell you about him where is was leading. And she consciously chose to go there.

So what exactly does she have to say about this? Any remorse or just poor-me-I'm-really-the-victim-here-pitty-me tears?

edit to add: Do you know this guy's name in real life? If not look in the trash around your house, he might have left the tag from the airline when he flew in the trash.


----------



## warlock07

Shaggy said:


> Reddit hates , and I mean hates cheaters.
> 
> Post him on cheaterville, then post that link on reddit, what he did and let loose. The reddit community will take care of him.


he will create a new account.


----------



## Ikaika

Writer said:


> My first thought about it was the OM has a pregnancy fetish. Why he did it really doesn't matter. What concerns me is your wife.
> 
> You have just been married. You are just getting out of the honeymoon stage (typically lasts 1 year into the marriage), and she is already cheating. Also, she is suppose to be entering the nesting stage, making the place safe for the child and herself. I don't think flying someone in is making things safe. She is taking unnecessary risks.
> 
> I would divorce her. Take a paternity test to find out if the child is yours. If it is yours, take care of the child. She is the innocent in this matter.
> 
> Do it soon before the baby is born because you could be legally liable even if you are married to her and she gives birth to another's child.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

I would take it one step further... I am not sure a woman with this lack of character can be trusted to take care of a child. I would file for D and file for custody. Don't assume that women always have the upper hand... courts nowadays rarely look at gender as consideration as much as they look at what is best for the health and welfare of the child. 

I am really sorry for all you are going through. Please stick around there are a lot of folks here to support you emotionally.


----------



## happyman64

Am I Dreaming,

I respect your decision. It is not easy walking away from a family that has not even started yet.

You really have no other choice.

And yes, keep the D close to your vest.

And yes, tell both of your families what really happened so they understand why you are leaving your wife.

No matter what get the DNA test for peace of mind. I think any decent lawyer will tell you that. Thecertificates will also tell you not to sign the birth certificate until the DNA results are in your hands.

Sorry for your pain but your wife is just plain nuts and a cheater.

Protect your child for the future as best you can.

And put the POSOM on cheaterville. He deserves that at the very minimum for consequences.

Good Luck

HM64


----------



## Ikaika

happyman64 said:


> Am I Dreaming,
> 
> I respect your decision. It is not easy walking away from a family that has not even started yet.
> 
> You really have no other choice.
> 
> And yes, keep the D close to your vest.
> 
> And yes, tell both of your families what really happened so they understand why you are leaving your wife.
> 
> No matter what get the DNA test for peace of mind. I think any decent lawyer will tell you that. Thecertificates will also tell you not to sign the birth certificate until the DNA results are in your hands.
> 
> Sorry for your pain but your wife is just plain nuts and a cheater.
> 
> Protect your child for the future as best you can.
> 
> And put the POSOM on cheaterville. He deserves that at the very minimum for consequences.
> 
> Good Luck
> 
> HM64


There is also another thought... if the child turns out NOT to be yours and the biological father is as much a POS as your WW, you may want to consider filling for custody anyway. 

My father told me a long time ago, sperm donors are not fathers, fathers are the ones who stick around.


----------



## Shaggy

warlock07 said:


> he will create a new account.


Oh, I know he'll create a new account. that wasn't the point of posting it on reddit. I meant post the cheaterville link and his reddit name.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

drerio said:


> There is also another thought... if the child turns out NOT to be yours and the biological father is as much a POS as your WW, you may want to consider filling for custody anyway.


You're kidding right?


----------



## aug

In the meantime, start separating your finances and assets. No joint bank accounts or credit cards.


I wonder why you keep thinking the baby is yours? How can you be so sure? Why not do a paternity test when the baby is born? Currently you should deny being the father till it's proven with hard scientific fact that you are.


----------



## Ikaika

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> You're kidding right?


I'm not... I don't know about you, but I am concerned about the child. The WW has already proven to be a POS, if some OM planted his seed, he likely is a POS, why should the child have to suffer. My opinion... I hate to see the innocent suffer because of the other peoples crap.


----------



## Ikaika

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> You're kidding right?


The bigger nightmare... he D his WW... she has a daughter and has a series of BF... as the daughter gets older, the BFs start hitting on the daughter and one rapes the daughter (not that unlikely of a scenario)... Sadly I have seen this story play out all too often. I am all about the children... as badly as the OP is hurting, the kid may be in greater peril.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

drerio said:


> I'm not... I don't know about you, but I am concerned about the child. The WW has already proven to be a POS, if some OM planted his seed, he likely is a POS, why should the child have to suffer. My opinion... I hate to see the innocent suffer because of the other peoples crap.


That's all well and good BUT there's no way in hell I'm raising or paying for another man's child. It's not like he's bonded with the baby -- which is a whole 'nother scenario.


----------



## Ikaika

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> That's all well and good BUT there's no way in hell I'm raising or paying for another man's child. It's not like he's bonded with the baby -- which is a whole 'nother scenario.


You have your opinion and I respect it, but I don't agree... I felt I bonded with both of my sons while my wife was carrying, but that's me.


----------



## PHTlump

drerio said:


> I'm not... I don't know about you, but I am concerned about the child. The WW has already proven to be a POS, if some OM planted his seed, he likely is a POS, why should the child have to suffer. My opinion... I hate to see the innocent suffer because of the other peoples crap.


By that logic, the OP would be better off adopting a child from Africa. It would be great if every child in the world could grow up with Ozzie and Harriet for parents. But it's not going to happen. Even if the OP throws a couple hundred grand at the problem.


----------



## Ikaika

PHTlump said:


> By that logic, the OP would be better off adopting a child from Africa. It would be great if every child in the world could grow up with Ozzie and Harriet for parents. But it's not going to happen. Even if the OP throws a couple hundred grand at the problem.


Umm sure... You can be condescending all you want... And I will stand alone in favor of the child every time.


----------



## lovelygirl

Just when I thought I had heard all about the cheating stories...


----------



## larry.gray

drerio said:


> There is also another thought... if the child turns out NOT to be yours and the biological father is as much a POS as your WW, you may want to consider filling for custody anyway.
> 
> My father told me a long time ago, sperm donors are not fathers, fathers are the ones who stick around.


I would have no issue whatsoever of being a loving, caring stepdad. Why? Because it is a matter of loving the child's mother and once someone is a mother, they come with a package that includes the kids. It's the right thing to do.

A kid that was created like this? Nope, not me and not most men. I wouldn't be in love with the mother, and I want nothing to do with the package. I'd be running as far and as fast as I can.


----------



## MattMatt

Am I Dreaming? said:


> I know my wife isn't innocent in this. I know that. Its just really apparent from the emails that this guy pulled the mind**** of the century on her. I can see the progression of her being friendly, him being aggressive, and her gradually giving in more and more until it gets to the point of these disgusting, sex conversations. And then the ****fest.
> 
> The website was reddit. So not a dating site. He started off PMing her with some "friendly advice". She gives him her email and then they started chatting for hours and hours. I honestly have no clue what is wrong with this man. He is totally ****ed in the head.
> 
> To the users that told me to slow down... I know. I just don't want to take a second and then let her talk me into staying, _for the baby_. I want to make sure people know I didn't leave her after the baby was born so I want the divorce started before she gives birth. I'm playing my cards close to my vest and I haven't told her yet. She surprised me with the ****fest - she can be surprised by the divorce.
> 
> I don't want to shame her but I want to make sure I don't get tagged as the bad guy in this. I'm going to tell my family this weekend and I think hers as well. I don't think she will tell them on her own.
> 
> I do have love for her still and the life we started and the child we made. But I deserve better. I didn't do anything to deserve her ****ing another man while carrying my baby in our home. I was working overtime for our unborn child. And she repaid me by ****ing someone else. I know I need to go and there is no saving this. I am 100% committed to divorce. It is the only option. I lost all my respect for her after seeing what she did. This can't be fixed.
> 
> Thank you to everyone for the sympathy and advice.


Report it to Redit. I am sure they need to know how their site is being abused by this pervert.

By the way, if you know his name have you Googled it?


----------



## MattMatt

warlock07 said:


> The site does have a dating section though


Jeez. I never knew that. Needs to be exposed for what it allowed to happen.


----------



## MattMatt

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> That's all well and good BUT there's no way in hell I'm raising or paying for another man's child. It's not like he's bonded with the baby -- which is a whole 'nother scenario.


In that case arranging for the child's adoption might be an option?


----------



## Ikaika

larry.gray said:


> I would have no issue whatsoever of being a loving, caring stepdad. Why? Because it is a matter of loving the child's mother and once someone is a mother, they come with a package that includes the kids. It's the right thing to do.
> 
> A kid that was created like this? Nope, not me and not most men. I wouldn't be in love with the mother, and I want nothing to do with the package. I'd be running as far and as fast as I can.


Well if you call the child a package then sure I would not want you to have chance to raise this soul.

I completely sympathize with the OP and do not fault him for throwing his WW under the bus... My opinion would be to not do the same to someone who did not have the choice in making a bad decision. He even admitted that he worked overtime to support his future family... So he may feel different having bonded. 

I don't want to high jack the OPs thread so I will stand on my opinion and hold my tongue on any further discussion given that it will takes weeks for an accurate paternity test.


----------



## aug

drerio said:


> You have your opinion and I respect it, but I don't agree... *I felt I bonded with both of my sons while my wife was carrying, but that's me*.



Are you the biological father of both sons?


----------



## aug

Also, keep a copy of your hard evidence of her cheating away from the house. Keep it somewhere safe.


----------



## seeking sanity

Harsh story.

Here's the moral thing to do: Until proven otherwise, you are still the father and as such need to be involved in this childs' life. Kids are awesome, and you will be so glad you choose to step up as a father in the long run. Cutting and running from that responsibility is what losers do.

Staying married? That's tough. I'd give it time, let some of the emotion wear off. Get through the next few months until the baby is born, and THEN get through the first part of a new baby. Then decide. There is no rush.


----------



## MattMatt

aug said:


> Also, keep a copy of your hard evidence of her cheating away from the house. Keep it somewhere safe.


:iagree:

Send it to the cloud, too.


----------



## Ikaika

seeking sanity said:


> Harsh story.
> 
> Here's the moral thing to do: Until proven otherwise, you are still the father and as such need to be involved in this childs' life. Kids are awesome, and you will be so glad you choose to step up as a father in the long run. Cutting and running from that responsibility is what losers do.
> 
> Staying married? That's tough. I'd give it time, let some of the emotion wear off. Get through the next few months until the baby is born, and THEN get through the first part of a new baby. Then decide. There is no rush.


I like it all but the staying married part... not sure about this woman... If you read back anyway he seems to have made up his mind.


----------



## MattMatt

seeking sanity said:


> Harsh story.
> 
> Here's the moral thing to do: Until proven otherwise, you are still the father and as such need to be involved in this childs' life. Kids are awesome, and you will be so glad you choose to step up as a father in the long run. Cutting and running from that responsibility is what losers do.
> 
> Staying married? That's tough. I'd give it time, let some of the emotion wear off. Get through the next few months until the baby is born, and THEN get through the first part of a new baby. Then decide. There is no rush.


Not necessarily so. In some places such action could mean he would have to pay child support, even if the child is not his.


----------



## walkonmars

Conflicted about asking for custody of a non-bio child born to a cheating and disrespectful wife. I understand drerio's position. It is one of compassion for a defenseless and blameless child who deserves NONE of this. 

STILL such an action will bind him in several ways to WW for the next 18 years or longer. Who knows, she may 'reform' for the better during that time and they can re-kindle, however doubtful that is at present. HOWEVER it is more likely that legal battles will loom down the line and shared custody eventually is granted to WW. Not a pleasant thought for a peaceful future for BH. 

Very conflicted.


----------



## Ikaika

walkonmars said:


> Conflicted about asking for custody of a non-bio child born to a cheating and disrespectful wife. I understand drerio's position. It is one of compassion for a defenseless and blameless child who deserves NONE of this.
> 
> STILL such an action will bind him in several ways to WW for the next 18 years or longer. Who knows, she may 'reform' for the better during that time and they can re-kindle, however doubtful that is at present. HOWEVER it is more likely that legal battles will loom down the line and shared custody eventually is granted to WW. Not a pleasant thought for a peaceful future for BH.
> 
> Very conflicted.


Point well made... I say again I really feel for the BH...


----------



## MattMatt

And then this horrendous case came to my mind
Leftwing Professor Convicted of Raping 13-Month-Old Baby | Fellowship of the Minds

Would this be the next step in the mind of the warped wife of the OP? It's not impossible, though sickening to consider.


----------



## Miss Taken

I know it's been said but I think the best thing to do is file for divorce in this situation, get a paternity test and move on.

My BIL got suckered into caring for a girl that wasn't his for over a year. Even after finding out the truth, he wanted to be the girl's father/parent. Our entire family was supportive of that notion because we loved his "daughter". However, the mom was a selfish @sshat and started using this girl as a pawn. It was a nightmare for my BIL and the entire family and brought nothing but heartache because she later moved across the province and alienated him and everyone else from the child.

One would hope to be able to be sentimental in these situations but a woman who is willing to cheat while pregnant or get pregnant with another man while married is all kinds of crazy. So cutting bait if the child is not yours might be the only humane thing to do. 

It's sad because it's a decision (on the part of the "mother") that makes a victim out of the child, the BS, the BS's family etc.


----------



## Am I Dreaming?

If this is not my child... which there is not much of a chance... I will run. Far, far away from this despicable betrayer that is my wife. I've expressed that I want a paternity test and it will be done when the child is born. I've looked at the emails and chat records and its probably my child. The affair had not started up. We were actively trying to get pregnant. 

I'm trying to figure out what to do with our daughter. An option I am considering is leaving this wretched town. My wife and I moved to Atlanta right after we married. I'm originally from Texas and I think I would like to go home. My wife is the only person that I know here and we moved here because we were starting a life together. Clearly not the case. 

I don't want to deal with her for the next 18 years. I don't want to raise a child with a woman like my wife. I haven't talked to a lawyer yet but I think I might go full custody - which is probably extremely unlikely - or bust. I don't want to tie myself to my **** wife forever. I need to move on. If its my child I'll pay child support but then move on with my life. I'm not going to be able to raise this child the way I want to. I won't be able to overrule her mother. I don't want to get connected and bonded to this child who I won't be able to see whenever I want and I won't be able to raise full-time. 

I talked to my mother about this earlier tonight. She is furious and she is being very supportive of me. I asked her not to talk to my wife yet but suffice to say she hates her guts. 

I'm starting the task of talking to everyone I need to. Appointment for the first consultation is tomorrow afternoon. 

Thank you for all of your help. I know I haven't posted much but I've read everything and the advice and outpouring of support has meant so much to me.


----------



## Ikaika

Am I Dreaming? said:


> If this is not my child... which there is not much of a chance... I will run. Far, far away from this despicable betrayer that is my wife. I've expressed that I want a paternity test and it will be done when the child is born. I've looked at the emails and chat records and its probably my child. The affair had not started up. We were actively trying to get pregnant.
> 
> I'm trying to figure out what to do with our daughter. An option I am considering is leaving this wretched town. My wife and I moved to Atlanta right after we married. I'm originally from Texas and I think I would like to go home. My wife is the only person that I know here and we moved here because we were starting a life together. Clearly not the case.
> 
> I don't want to deal with her for the next 18 years. I don't want to raise a child with a woman like my wife. I haven't talked to a lawyer yet but I think I might go full custody - which is probably extremely unlikely - or bust. I don't want to tie myself to my **** wife forever. I need to move on. If its my child I'll pay child support but then move on with my life. I'm not going to be able to raise this child the way I want to. I won't be able to overrule her mother. I don't want to get connected and bonded to this child who I won't be able to see whenever I want and I won't be able to raise full-time.
> 
> I talked to my mother about this earlier tonight. She is furious and she is being very supportive of me. I asked her not to talk to my wife yet but suffice to say she hates her guts.
> 
> I'm starting the task of talking to everyone I need to. Appointment for the first consultation is tomorrow afternoon.
> 
> Thank you for all of your help. I know I haven't posted much but I've read everything and the advice and outpouring of support has meant so much to me.


I certainly respect your decision... Again I'm really sorry this is something you had to go through... Talk to your lawyer about getting a chorionic villi sample to run the prenatal test. In my experience better to know before the child is born.. I fully support the notion of getting full custody, your WW has proven to be less than capable parent. Take care


----------



## Shaggy

Have you thrown out the bed in the trash?

I'm also curious about what your wife is saying and doing now?


----------



## Ikaika

BTW If the child is yours have your WW tested for strep B... Sex during late stage pregnancy can is easily passed into the vaginal cavity and can cause complications in the newborn...


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

Shaggy said:


> Have you thrown out the bed in the trash?
> 
> I'm also curious about what your wife is saying and doing now?


Definitely
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Am I Dreaming?

What is my wife saying or doing right now? 

Putting on an Academy Award worthy performance of grief and regret. If I had any emotions left for her I might be convinced. But I don't. My heart is hard to her. 

Just a bunch of empty promises and a ton, ton of tears. She swears she didn't want it. She didn't like it. It wasn't her idea. She will never betray me again. Think about our daughter. Don't leave me. Give me a second chance. Everyone deserves a second chance. Do you still love me? I never lost my love for you. I'll always love you. Just a bunch of bull**** like that. 

**** her.


----------



## Ikaika

Am I Dreaming? said:


> What is my wife saying or doing right now?
> 
> Putting on an Academy Award worthy performance of grief and regret. If I had any emotions left for her I might be convinced. But I don't. My heart is hard to her.
> 
> Just a bunch of empty promises and a ton, ton of tears. She swears she didn't want it. She didn't like it. It wasn't her idea. She will never betray me again. Think about our daughter. Don't leave me. Give me a second chance. Everyone deserves a second chance. Do you still love me? I never lost my love for you. I'll always love you. Just a bunch of bull**** like that.
> 
> **** her.


yuck yuck yuck... Oh man... I mean it have the lawyer enforce a chorionic villi sampling test... This being your decision, you don't want to be waiting around for a test after the baby is born. Unlike the movies it does not happen the next day... trust me, I have run similar test myself as a molecular biologist. To ensure that it is validated could take upward to three weeks.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

Am I Dreaming? said:


> What is my wife saying or doing right now?
> 
> Putting on an Academy Award worthy performance of grief and regret. If I had any emotions left for her I might be convinced. But I don't. My heart is hard to her.
> 
> Just a bunch of empty promises and a ton, ton of tears. She swears she didn't want it. She didn't like it. It wasn't her idea. She will never betray me again. Think about our daughter. Don't leave me. Give me a second chance. Everyone deserves a second chance. Do you still love me? I never lost my love for you. I'll always love you. Just a bunch of bull**** like that.
> 
> **** her.


She should have thought of the consequences and how she/you would feel before her decision. "I never lost my love for you"? 

"Thanks i know, i can tell, your methods of showing love are sickening"
Actions define a person, not words
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Vanguard

Am I Dreaming? said:


> If this is not my child... which there is not much of a chance... I will run. Far, far away from this despicable betrayer that is my wife. I've expressed that I want a paternity test and it will be done when the child is born. I've looked at the emails and chat records and its probably my child. The affair had not started up. We were actively trying to get pregnant.
> 
> I'm trying to figure out what to do with our daughter. An option I am considering is leaving this wretched town. My wife and I moved to Atlanta right after we married. I'm originally from Texas and I think I would like to go home. My wife is the only person that I know here and we moved here because we were starting a life together. Clearly not the case.
> 
> I don't want to deal with her for the next 18 years. I don't want to raise a child with a woman like my wife. I haven't talked to a lawyer yet but I think I might go full custody - which is probably extremely unlikely - or bust. I don't want to tie myself to my **** wife forever. I need to move on. If its my child I'll pay child support but then move on with my life. I'm not going to be able to raise this child the way I want to. I won't be able to overrule her mother. I don't want to get connected and bonded to this child who I won't be able to see whenever I want and I won't be able to raise full-time.
> 
> I talked to my mother about this earlier tonight. She is furious and she is being very supportive of me. I asked her not to talk to my wife yet but suffice to say she hates her guts.
> 
> I'm starting the task of talking to everyone I need to. Appointment for the first consultation is tomorrow afternoon.
> 
> Thank you for all of your help. I know I haven't posted much but I've read everything and the advice and outpouring of support has meant so much to me.


Good for you, brother. A word of advice-- don't go to your lawyer telling him what you want to do. Ask him what you CAN do. He'll be able to give you some options, hopefully some that will help you screw her over like she deserves.


----------



## Vanguard

Am I Dreaming? said:


> What is my wife saying or doing right now?
> 
> Putting on an Academy Award worthy performance of grief and regret. If I had any emotions left for her I might be convinced. But I don't. My heart is hard to her.
> 
> Just a bunch of empty promises and a ton, ton of tears. She swears she didn't want it. She didn't like it. It wasn't her idea. She will never betray me again. Think about our daughter. Don't leave me. Give me a second chance. Everyone deserves a second chance. Do you still love me? I never lost my love for you. I'll always love you. Just a bunch of bull**** like that.
> 
> **** her.


Seriously dude. GOD are you going to be so much happier. God bless you man. In the long run you're helping her- you're helping her understand that actions have consequences, and the worst kinds of actions bring with them the worst repercussions. But that is only a residual element- the important part is, you're helping yourself.


----------



## Ikaika

Cheater's song (at least the verse)


----------



## warlock07

just a word of caution. Don't stress her out until child birth. Might be dangerous to both of their health. And she might be in very state of mind now. So be tact in your approach. tell her you haven't made a decision yet or something like that.


----------



## Kasler

^ Lets not give mixed signals, plus having to play nice with this woman would probably kill him a bit on the inside.

Or he may try and then get too angry and just unload everything.


----------



## dymo

Yeah, I don't know if withholding the truth is doing the child a favor. Telling her now may stress her during pregnancy, but she does need to adjust and prepare for the fact she will be single-handedly raising their child. 

Neither is a great option, but it seems kinder to tell her while she only needs to take care of herself, rather than when she needs to also care for an infant.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jonesey

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> You're kidding right?


:iagree::scratchhead:


----------



## Jonesey

Am I Dreaming? said:


> What is my wife saying or doing right now?
> 
> Putting on an Academy Award worthy performance of grief and regret. If I had any emotions left for her I might be convinced. But I don't. My heart is hard to her.
> 
> Just a bunch of empty promises and a ton, ton of tears. She swears she didn't want it. She didn't like it. It wasn't her idea. She will never betray me again. Think about our daughter. Don't leave me. Give me a second chance. Everyone deserves a second chance. Do you still love me? *I never lost my love for you. I'll always love you.* Just a bunch of bull**** like that.
> 
> **** her.


Standard bull crap talk..The bolded one .. Priceless


----------



## dogman

Am I Dreaming? said:


> What is my wife saying or doing right now?
> 
> Putting on an Academy Award worthy performance of grief and regret. If I had any emotions left for her I might be convinced. But I don't. My heart is hard to her.
> 
> Just a bunch of empty promises and a ton, ton of tears. She swears she didn't want it. She didn't like it. It wasn't her idea. She will never betray me again. Think about our daughter. Don't leave me. Give me a second chance. Everyone deserves a second chance. Do you still love me? I never lost my love for you. I'll always love you. Just a bunch of bull**** like that.
> 
> **** her.


Didn't lik it? That's why it went from Friday afternoon till Sunday morning. That the maximum she could get for that one weekend.

Bu!!**** alert!


----------



## Humble Pie

Am I Dreaming? said:


> The emails started around March
> 
> How she temporarily lost her mind.


So she TEMPORARILY lost her mind since March she means?

This is horrible, I am sorry you are here bro.


----------



## Humble Pie

Am I Dreaming? said:


> What is my wife saying or doing right now?
> 
> Putting on an Academy Award worthy performance of grief and regret. If I had any emotions left for her I might be convinced. But I don't. My heart is hard to her.
> 
> Just a bunch of empty promises and a ton, ton of tears. She swears she didn't want it. She didn't like it. It wasn't her idea. She will never betray me again. Think about our daughter. Don't leave me. Give me a second chance. Everyone deserves a second chance. Do you still love me? I never lost my love for you. I'll always love you. Just a bunch of bull**** like that.
> 
> **** her.


In a way it kinda makes you feel more hatred toward her...

Damm I dont even know you and I am pissed! sorry, i really feel for you.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

dymo said:


> Yeah, I don't know if withholding the truth is doing the child a favor. Telling her now may stress her during pregnancy, but she does need to adjust and prepare for the fact she will be single-handedly raising their child.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with Warlock on not stressing her out too much. The goal is to have her deliver a healthy baby - whether it's OP's or not.


----------



## Hicks

Can you talk her into putting the baby up for adoption?
I think that is the best option for the child.
Possibly you can tell her that you will get back with her if she agrees to go that route, and once it's official you divorce her.


----------



## snap

Don't punish the child.

Just divorce her.


----------



## rigcol

snap said:


> Don't punish the child.
> 
> Just divorce her.


I agree with Snap. Additionally, If the child is yours be a part of her life. She'll need the example you, the father can provide. I realize this is easier said than done but for the sake of your daughter please consider it.

My prayers and good wishes are with you. I'm so sorry you are being robbed of what should be a wonderful time in a man's life -- the birth of his daughter.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Hicks said:


> Can you talk her into putting the baby up for adoption?
> I think that is the best option for the child.
> Possibly you can tell her that you will get back with her if she agrees to go that route, and once it's official you divorce her.


He would have to be half as diabolical as his wife to do something like this.


----------



## Hicks

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> He would have to be half as diabolical as his wife to do something like this.


Yes, but being diabolical to help a child is very different than adultery.

This child deserves better than this biological mother and being raised with no father.


----------



## Vanguard

Jonesey said:


> Standard bull crap talk..The bolded one .. Priceless


Exactly. 

"I never stopped loving you."

Utter lies. I think rather she never stopped loving herself.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Hicks said:


> Yes, but being diabolical to help a child is very different than adultery.
> 
> This child deserves better than this biological mother and being raised with no father.


I don't disagree that her actions indicate that she'll more than likely be an unfit mother (although, this may not be the case.) My problem is with your suggestion that he lie to his wife so that she can put the baby up for adoption. Nothing good will come from this ploy. Also, if I recall correctly, there's a period of time where she can change her mind -- even after the adoption has been completed.


----------



## Vanguard

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> I don't disagree that her actions indicate that she'll more than likely be an unfit mother (although, this may not be the case.) My problem is with your suggestion that he lie to his wife so that she can put the baby up for adoption. Nothing good will come from this ploy. Also, if I recall correctly, there's a period of time where she can change her mind -- even after the adoption has been completed.


This. Very seldom does deception of any kind work out for good. I do not believe this to be one of those rare cases.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach

Am I dreaming, 

I just want to say im thoroughly impressed with your attitude and your resolve. You have no idea how rare it is to read about someone in your position with such strength and clarity of thought. 

Im sorry this has happened to you, but you are defineately going to be alright.


----------



## ArmyofJuan

*For the lurkers*



Am I Dreaming? said:


> What is my wife saying or doing right now?
> 
> Putting on an Academy Award worthy performance of grief and regret. If I had any emotions left for her I might be convinced. But I don't. My heart is hard to her.
> 
> Just a bunch of empty promises and a ton, ton of tears. She swears she didn't want it. She didn't like it. It wasn't her idea. She will never betray me again. Think about our daughter. Don't leave me. Give me a second chance. Everyone deserves a second chance. Do you still love me? I never lost my love for you. I'll always love you. Just a bunch of bull**** like that.
> 
> **** her.


I'm glad you posted this because it makes an excellent example. You know if you tried to R she would not react this way because she knows she wouldn't have to put in any effort.

THIS is what happens when you stop acting beta and take control of your life. The WS’s only seems to respond like this when you stop being the nice guy and make them face the cold hard reality of what they did. Most BS’s feel rejected when cheated on so are compelled to prove themselves worthy (because they blame themselves) and try to win the WS back. When you reject them for cheating on you it has the same effect, the WS now feels compelled to fix things because they just realized they are no longer in control. 

You have 2 options when dealing with the WS (2 basic options anyway), tell them “we’ll work through this” or “GTFO!” Dollar to donuts the “GTFO” responce gets them begging and pleading for you to stay every time.


----------



## Dewy

you have not been together vary long it is time to get out , are you willing to be in this pain for years to come to be wiith a woman who is so broken. some people can not be fixed no matter what amount of effort is put into them: when you clean up a pig and put jewelry on it and perfume it stays clean as long as you keep it under constant control but the vary min you are not looking goes back to the mud. Please do not tie your self to this pig go no contact and get out NOW.

despite what some might say there are women who will love you and will not cheat ever, even when they are in poor marriages. go and find someone else, and yes a woman's history can tell a lot about how she will act in the future


----------



## MattMatt

When I was editing a video at work (a minor news story) I suddenly thought: "OMG! Did that POSOM have a video camera with him, or an Android phone to record his evilness?"

Ask her. She might not have noticed, though.

Just wonder if he might record what he does -this certainly would not have been the first time- for sale to a website?

Unless... Is it possible she knew it was being recorded and thought she'd better confess before someone else saw her on a website and told you?


----------



## F-102

Am I Dreaming? said:


> What is my wife saying or doing right now?
> 
> Putting on an Academy Award worthy performance of grief and regret. If I had any emotions left for her I might be convinced. But I don't. My heart is hard to her.
> 
> Just a bunch of empty promises and a ton, ton of tears. She swears she didn't want it. She didn't like it. It wasn't her idea. She will never betray me again. Think about our daughter. Don't leave me. Give me a second chance. Everyone deserves a second chance. Do you still love me? I never lost my love for you. I'll always love you. Just a bunch of bull**** like that.
> 
> **** her.


She's saying that NOW, but what was she saying to the POSOM when he was in your home, in your bed?

Where have you been all my life?
I love YOU, and want to be with YOU!
YOU're the one I should be with!
I'm definitely leaving my H!
My H is such an a++hole!
Don't worry-he's too stupid to find out!
I want to raise the baby with YOU!
I hate his guts!
I made a huge mistake marrying him!


----------



## Shaggy

And don't forget she had to conspire ahead of time to arrange for him to arrive after you left and leave before your return.

Did you ever say how you found out?


----------



## WyshIknew

Hi Am I Dreaming

Got to say absolutely apalled at your situation, definitely not where I would want to be and I think you are handling things correctly.

However I disagree with the advice to be devious and underhand with your STBXW. Why do that? You are the one in the right here don't drag yourself down to such a low level.

And personally I feel that all this is not your daughters fault, so why punish her.
Perhaps take medical advice and if it is confirmed that excess stress may harm the baby it may be an idea to let your wife know that you will hold off making a final decision till after the birth. However let her know that she should be under no false illusions.


----------



## larry.gray

snap said:


> Don't punish the child.
> 
> Just divorce her.


That's exactly what hicks is proposing.

The best possible thing to have happen for this child if it isn't his is for the child to be given up for adoption. This woman shouldn't be raising one.


----------



## MattMatt

larry.gray said:


> That's exactly what hicks is proposing.
> 
> The best possible thing to have happen for this child if it isn't his is for the child to be given up for adoption. This woman shouldn't be raising one.


The child would be at risk from potential sexual abuse, IMO, based on the mother's proven track record of perverted behaviour.


----------



## Am I Dreaming?

Just an update for everyone. 

I spoke to an attorney yesterday. I asked him what is my shot at full custody and he told me to be honest with me, next to none. There was no way a court would take a newborn away from the mother, especially considering she doesn't have a criminal record or violent history. So now my decision is having to decide how much time and what type of role I want in this child's life (the caveat being of course if she is mine). 

The guy I talked to is a real professional and came highly recommended. I am going to go ahead and pay the retainer and we will file early next week hopefully. 

I'm continuing the process of telling family and friends. I haven't got to telling her family yet. I feel like they will side with her but I think I still need to at least let them know, I'm not the bad guy in this situation. This is so embarrassing and humiliating. I'm getting a lot of sympathy but I just feel pathetic. What does it say about me that my wife had so little respect for me that she would cheat on me when she is the most vulnerable? 

I'm spending the next few days just going through all the options with our daughter. Right now I am heavily leaning towards considering her a lost cause. I'll never be able to be the father I want to be and she deserves. I'll be competing with every scumbag my STBXW dates. I'll have to deal with my **** STBXW for the rest of my life. Its just not worth it. 

If I cut the cord I can move back home. Move on with my life. Hopefully in time meet someone new and have the actual family I want. I'm a finance guy. The child support is a sunk cost. I'm out for it. I don't need to destroy myself emotionally by being a part-time parent with her. I never wanted this. I wanted to be the Daddy that loves his daughter and does everything for her. I don't think I can raise a child with my STBXW. 

Its really been gnawing at me. I'm completely torn. It seems like the best choice is to not be involved but I feel wracked with guilt over the life my little girl is going to have. Its just not fair.


----------



## Sara8

Sorry to hear you are so confused. 

It is normal. 

What does it say about you that your wife cheated?

It doesn't say anything about you, it says something about her, and none of it is pretty.

To most who read this, you likely seem like a nice guy who trusted his wife, because, well......you are suppose to be able to trust your wife.


----------



## Complexity

AID, I completely side with you on the wife side but with your daughter? I don't think she should pay for her mum's sins. She's totally innocent in all of this and doesn't deserve to lose her dad over it. I completely sympathise with your dilemma, especially if your wife brings other men into the picture. However your daughter needs to know that her dad still fought for her despite the circumstances.


----------



## Shaggy

Remember. If the girl is yours you can, like many before you, still be a great father and divorced from the mother.


----------



## warlock07

Am I Dreaming? said:


> Just an update for everyone.
> 
> I spoke to an attorney yesterday. I asked him what is my shot at full custody and he told me to be honest with me, next to none. There was no way a court would take a newborn away from the mother, especially considering she doesn't have a criminal record or violent history. So now my decision is having to decide how much time and what type of role I want in this child's life (the caveat being of course if she is mine).
> 
> The guy I talked to is a real professional and came highly recommended. I am going to go ahead and pay the retainer and we will file early next week hopefully.
> 
> I'm continuing the process of telling family and friends. I haven't got to telling her family yet. I feel like they will side with her but I think I still need to at least let them know, I'm not the bad guy in this situation. This is so embarrassing and humiliating. I'm getting a lot of sympathy but I just feel pathetic. What does it say about me that my wife had so little respect for me that she would cheat on me when she is the most vulnerable?
> 
> I'm spending the next few days just going through all the options with our daughter. Right now I am heavily leaning towards considering her a lost cause. I'll never be able to be the father I want to be and she deserves. I'll be competing with every scumbag my STBXW dates. I'll have to deal with my **** STBXW for the rest of my life. Its just not worth it.
> 
> If I cut the cord I can move back home. Move on with my life. Hopefully in time meet someone new and have the actual family I want. I'm a finance guy. The child support is a sunk cost. I'm out for it. I don't need to destroy myself emotionally by being a part-time parent with her. I never wanted this. I wanted to be the Daddy that loves his daughter and does everything for her. I don't think I can raise a child with my STBXW.
> 
> Its really been gnawing at me. I'm completely torn. It seems like the best choice is to not be involved but I feel wracked with guilt o
> ver the life my little girl is going to have. Its just not fair.


Irrespective of what your wife did, the child is your responsibility too. Don't run away from it. The anger you feel right now, it will pass in a few years. You will soon become indifferent to your wife. Don't punish the kid for what her mother did. She needs her father


----------



## aug

Go for joint or major custody. This way you can still influence your child's (assuming she's yours) upbringing and development as a person half the time. If your influence on your daughter is positive, she'll remember them.


----------



## lisab0105

aug said:


> Go for joint or major custody. This way you can still influence your child's (assuming she's yours) upbringing and development as a person half the time. If your influence on your daughter is positive, she'll remember them.


Let me put it to you like this...there are two types of disgusting people out there. Those that cheat and those that abandon their children. Don't you dare call that little girl a lost cause and run away so you can start a new family. You still made a life, regardless of what your skank of a wife did. Don't be a selfish @ss and make your daughter pay because her parents couldn't make it work!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

It occurs to me that if your wife had an amnio test done could you possibly get a DNA test done using that now instead of waiting until birth?


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

Am I Dreaming? said:


> Just an update for everyone.
> 
> I spoke to an attorney yesterday. I asked him what is my shot at full custody and he told me to be honest with me, next to none. There was no way a court would take a newborn away from the mother, especially considering she doesn't have a criminal record or violent history. So now my decision is having to decide how much time and what type of role I want in this child's life (the caveat being of course if she is mine).
> 
> The guy I talked to is a real professional and came highly recommended. I am going to go ahead and pay the retainer and we will file early next week hopefully.
> 
> I'm continuing the process of telling family and friends. I haven't got to telling her family yet. I feel like they will side with her but I think I still need to at least let them know, I'm not the bad guy in this situation. This is so embarrassing and humiliating. I'm getting a lot of sympathy but I just feel pathetic. What does it say about me that my wife had so little respect for me that she would cheat on me when she is the most vulnerable?
> 
> I'm spending the next few days just going through all the options with our daughter. *Right now I am heavily leaning towards considering her a lost cause.* I'll never be able to be the father I want to be and she deserves. I'll be competing with every scumbag my STBXW dates. I'll have to deal with my **** STBXW for the rest of my life. Its just not worth it.
> 
> If I cut the cord I can move back home. Move on with my life. Hopefully in time meet someone new and have the actual family I want. I'm a finance guy. The child support is a sunk cost. I'm out for it. I don't need to destroy myself emotionally by being a part-time parent with her. I never wanted this. I wanted to be the Daddy that loves his daughter and does everything for her. I don't think I can raise a child with my STBXW.
> 
> *Its really been gnawing at me. I'm completely torn. It seems like the best choice is to not be involved but I feel wracked with guilt over the life my little girl is going to have. Its just not fair.*


You would regret this for the rest of your life. No doubt that if you do run out and only pay child support, at some point in time your grown up daughter will want to meet you and you will get a chance to hear from here what she thought about you abandoning her.


----------



## Samus

Bro - I can't believe you would abandon your baby. If she is your baby, a little girl is very precious and the sweetest thing to a Daddy. I have two little girls and I love them so much, its inexplicable. 

Once that baby is born and you hold her for the first time, it is automatic heart to heart connection and you would die that minute to protect her. A daughter is something that lights up a Daddy's soul my friend and it is something you cannot let go so easily, no matter how much it hurts you to deal with your wife.

Be the better man and take care of your responsibilities. 

Good Luck to you. Your wife is scum for what she did by the way.


----------



## warlock07

lisab0105 said:


> Let me put it to you like this...there are two types of disgusting people out there. Those that cheat and those that abandon their children. Don't you dare call that little girl a lost cause and run away so you can start a new family. You still made a life, regardless of what your skank of a wife did. Don't be a selfish @ss and make your daughter pay because her parents couldn't make it work!!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Take it easy on the guy. He is still in shock of what happened to his life. There are some he is saying out of anger at the situation he is in. Let his emotions settle down. He will make better decisions then.


----------



## JCD

I'd prepare a packet. In it a break down of some of the most damning emails, the DNA test and the STD test.

This will make it handy for her family so you don't need to explain anything at length. Serve at the same time her papers go out.


----------



## happyman64

A.I.D.

I know you are hurting bad. All of us here on CWI have felt that knife go right to our hearts before it went lower and cut out our souls.

Please take the time to breathe. Take the time to go outside and scream your head off until all your emotions are drained. 

Do not rush to any major decisions until you can think clearly without the hurt or anger clouding your mind.

Wait and see if the baby is yours.

Then make a decision.

I have a friend that in his mid 20's went to work in the midwest. He met a girl, they got crazy, dated and when the temporary jobs ended she went back to Texas and he went back to NY.

He gets a phone call one morning that she is pregnant. Just a few weeks later.

Paternity is confirmed and he has a son. He wants nothing to do with that baby. He financially supports that baby boy for 17 years. His baby momma took him to court 4 times over those 17 years for additional support.

He has never met his son.

Myself and one of his other good friends would ask him when he was going to meet his son. He would say never. I am not his Dad.

I would say to him, don't you think he needs one? Was it fair for you to have one and not him???

"Don't you want your son to have the same advantages that your father gave you??? " He never answered and never relented. His animosity towards the mother of his child was directed to this boy.

I once said to him "What will you do when this kid shows up on your door to finally meet you???" Again he had no answer.

Well 2 weeks ago the kid called him. His mother was messed up, his aunt took him in but his son had no money because his Mom was using the child support payments to support her drug habit.

My friend is now attempting to get the child support routed to the kids Aunt through the state.

This is just one possible scenario for your child if it is your child.

But no matter what you do with your wife, if that child is yours please give the child every opportunity, every advantage that you had growing up.

It is not only the right thing, but the only thing you should do at this time.

I hope you heal in good time.

Good Luck

HM64


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Dude, don't throw the baby out with the wife. You're better than that.


----------



## badbane

Am I Dreaming? said:


> Just an update for everyone.
> 
> I spoke to an attorney yesterday. I asked him what is my shot at full custody and he told me to be honest with me, next to none. There was no way a court would take a newborn away from the mother, especially considering she doesn't have a criminal record or violent history. So now my decision is having to decide how much time and what type of role I want in this child's life (the caveat being of course if she is mine).
> 
> The guy I talked to is a real professional and came highly recommended. I am going to go ahead and pay the retainer and we will file early next week hopefully.
> 
> I'm continuing the process of telling family and friends. I haven't got to telling her family yet. I feel like they will side with her but I think I still need to at least let them know, I'm not the bad guy in this situation. This is so embarrassing and humiliating. I'm getting a lot of sympathy but I just feel pathetic. What does it say about me that my wife had so little respect for me that she would cheat on me when she is the most vulnerable?
> 
> I'm spending the next few days just going through all the options with our daughter. Right now I am heavily leaning towards considering her a lost cause. I'll never be able to be the father I want to be and she deserves. I'll be competing with every scumbag my STBXW dates. I'll have to deal with my **** STBXW for the rest of my life. Its just not worth it.
> 
> If I cut the cord I can move back home. Move on with my life. Hopefully in time meet someone new and have the actual family I want. I'm a finance guy. The child support is a sunk cost. I'm out for it. I don't need to destroy myself emotionally by being a part-time parent with her. I never wanted this. I wanted to be the Daddy that loves his daughter and does everything for her. I don't think I can raise a child with my STBXW.
> 
> Its really been gnawing at me. I'm completely torn. It seems like the best choice is to not be involved but I feel wracked with guilt over the life my little girl is going to have. Its just not fair.



Okay don't make any more decisions until the DNA test comes back. You are so screwed up right now you are coming up with outlandish ideas. Oh course you want to know your child. If you cut the chord you won't know or have a say in how your child gets raised, treated, and your wife will have nothing nice to say about you. She will grow up feeling abandoned by her father.

Stop thinking about this like a business transaction. Just stop thinking and take a break.


----------



## MattMatt

warlock07 said:


> Irrespective of what your wife did, the child is your responsibility too. Don't run away from it. The anger you feel right now, it will pass in a few years. You will soon become indifferent to your wife. Don't punish the kid for what her mother did. She needs her father


Wouldn't hurt to get a second opinion. Especially if you can get Child Protection Services involved.

Oh. Here's a thought! It is possible for a baby to be damaged in the womb, by STDs from unsafe sex, by certain sexual acts, etc.

It might be possible to argue that your wife was trying to damage the child. 

Check these random thoughts out with your prosecutor's office.


----------



## Hicks

Am I Dreaming? said:


> Its really been gnawing at me. I'm completely torn. It seems like the best choice is to not be involved but I feel wracked with guilt over the life my little girl is going to have. Its just not fair.


This is why adoption would be such a blessing to your child.

Please, do everything possible to convince your wife of this.


----------



## Am I Dreaming?

Nothing has been decided yet. I'm just looking at all of my options. I will talk this over with my family before making any rash decisions. I am leaning in one direction. I cannot really begin to describe the disgust and hatred I have for the woman that is legally my wife. I want nothing to do with her once this divorce is finalized. 

I dug more into the emails/internet history/hardrive and I'm finding more ****. She has been exchanging nude images with other men for the ENTIRE length of our marriage. She has mocked me in emails to other men. There are guys who have asked her, "What about your husband?" and she just tells them he doesn't matter. He never pays attention to me. NOT TRUE. I adored this woman and doted on her. 

I am out of the house now. I did speak to her about adoption and she refused to even consider it as a possibility. I can go into her reasoning in more detail but its to be expected. This woman is selfishness personified. She would never do what is best for the child. 

If I was in the child's life I really could not be a counterpoint to my STBXW. It would only be drama. I wouldn't be able to raise this little girl the way I want to. I would have to go through the bull**** that I have seen many friends go through. I've seen nasty, nasty custody cases - and that was with normal, sane people. I know with my STBXW it would be a mess and so ugly. 

This child is her daughter. I need to accept that. I cannot try to play hero and save her. Its not going to be possible. I have to move on with my life. This is a dark, sordid chapter of my life that I never want to revisit. Being involved with her child will make moving on impossible. 

I did inform the attorney that I would like to dispute paternity and he is working on the forms for that. Its a bit complicated since I am assumed to be the father since we were/are married. I do think biologically her child is probably mine but it is best to be safe with this. Considering her past its not sure bet. 

I have basically gone no contact with STBXW. I haven't answered her calls or texts and the only contact I've had is very formal. I'm done with her. I cannot believe I even for a second considered reconciliation with her.


----------



## Acabado

Save this new evidence.


----------



## dogman

Am I Dreaming? said:


> Nothing has been decided yet. I'm just looking at all of my options. I will talk this over with my family before making any rash decisions. I am leaning in one direction. I cannot really begin to describe the disgust and hatred I have for the woman that is legally my wife. I want nothing to do with her once this divorce is finalized.
> 
> I dug more into the emails/internet history/hardrive and I'm finding more ****. She has been exchanging nude images with other men for the ENTIRE length of our marriage. She has mocked me in emails to other men. There are guys who have asked her, "What about your husband?" and she just tells them he doesn't matter. He never pays attention to me. NOT TRUE. I adored this woman and doted on her.
> 
> I am out of the house now. I did speak to her about adoption and she refused to even consider it as a possibility. I can go into her reasoning in more detail but its to be expected. This woman is selfishness personified. She would never do what is best for the child.
> 
> If I was in the child's life I really could not be a counterpoint to my STBXW. It would only be drama. I wouldn't be able to raise this little girl the way I want to. I would have to go through the bull**** that I have seen many friends go through. I've seen nasty, nasty custody cases - and that was with normal, sane people. I know with my STBXW it would be a mess and so ugly.
> 
> This child is her daughter. I need to accept that. I cannot try to play hero and save her. Its not going to be possible. I have to move on with my life. This is a dark, sordid chapter of my life that I never want to revisit. Being involved with her child will make moving on impossible.
> 
> I did inform the attorney that I would like to dispute paternity and he is working on the forms for that. Its a bit complicated since I am assumed to be the father since we were/are married. I do think biologically her child is probably mine but it is best to be safe with this. Considering her past its not sure bet.
> 
> I have basically gone no contact with STBXW. I haven't answered her calls or texts and the only contact I've had is very formal. I'm done with her. I cannot believe I even for a second considered reconciliation with her.


Oh boy...good job dude. Your in a no win situation.

For your sake I hope the baby is not yours. It'll make it easier to walk away. 

You are right, you will NEVER counteract this crazy b!tchs influence. 

Keep NC with your STBXW. Get that lawyer moving.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Am I Dreaming? said:


> I did speak to her about adoption and she refused to even consider it as a possibility.


AID, your story is one of the most abhorrent ones that I've ever read on this forum. However, as vile as your wife is, did you really expect a pregnant woman that's this far along to even consider giving up her baby?


----------



## Shaggy

Save the evidence and share a summary of it with family.

See if you can find these OM and their wife's and expose to them.

Your wife is really a piece of work, I feel pitty for the unborn child having a person like her as a mom.


----------



## MattMatt

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> AID, your story is one of the most abhorrent ones that I've ever read on this forum. However, as vile as your wife is, did you really expect a pregnant woman that's this far along to even consider giving up her baby?


Well, why not? She risked the health of her baby by having unprotected sex multiple times with another man at fairly late stage in the pregnancy, so it seems likely that she doesn't really care about the baby.

And you are right. This is one of the worst cases I have read here.


----------



## Samus

I am worry for that baby. Your wife sounds like she has mental issues and baby girls are so defenless against so many male intruders in there life. This child is and might get abused, molested and so many other vile things can be possible.

You need to bring all these up with the attorney and also print out all the things you have seen in the emails. Stuff like this can be revealed to the judge during your divorce and he might grant you primary custody, since your wife seems to be on the loose end. 

This is not healthy for the baby and she could be in danger in these types of situation where the mother is a sex addict and can't control herself. Can you imagine her leaving the baby with strangers just to go out with boyfriends, or running around with men???

God I feel terrible for you. What a *****, *****,, all the names you can throw at her. WOW. So sorry man. Fight this to the very end, make her pay you child support. Do what you can so you don't have to give her custody. Throw the book at her, talk to your parents, ,get help, do whatever it is to make this difficult for her. 

Don't forget this kid is your sperm. Don't leave her stranded with a crazy mom. Don't leave her bro, it will hurt to imagine the pain she is going through that she has no one else to rely on, and her Daddy doesn't want to be involved because of Mom's whoring behavior. 

I trully hope its not your baby. Please keep us updated.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Matt, I don't disagree with anything you're saying but she's not giving the baby up. Especially since she will be getting money from Am I Dreaming for the next 18 years.


----------



## lisab0105

If that DNA is yours, that will be YOUR baby too. Any sympathy you had going for you is going down the drain with talk of abandoning your child.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Matt, I don't disagree with anything you're saying but she's not giving the baby up. Especially since she will be getting money from Am I Dreaming for the next 18 years.


She might if Social Services/Child Protection get involved. 

And if Mr X has videod or photographed any of his sessions with AID's wife, and they fall into the hands of the authorities, AID's wife may find herself part of a rather nasty investigation, without AID having to do anything about it. 

It's unlikely Mr X just does the job and wanders off. He'll possibly take videos and still images and probably shares them with other people with his fetish. And on websites, too.


----------



## Kasler

lisab0105 said:


> If that DNA is yours, that will be YOUR baby too. Any sympathy you had going for you is going down the drain with talk of abandoning your child.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep, its better for him to live a life of misery and die a little bit on the instead since he'll have to be in everyday contact for a minimum of 18 yrs with a selfish vindictive shrew of an ex wife who cheated on him while 7 months pregnant and will undoubtedly use the child as a bargaining chip against him after he leaves her. 

Lets be blunt here. 

Hes gotta live his life for him. Sacrificing everything for your child sounds good, on TV but even most parents would never do that, and for a person who hasn't even emotionally connected with the child yet, what do you honestly expect?

Would you rather his future be set in stone? So that one day he may even blame his ex wife and maybe even his child for robbing him of a future?


----------



## lisab0105

Kasler said:


> Yep, its better for him to live a life of misery and die a little bit on the instead since he'll have to be in everyday contact for a minimum of 18 yrs with a selfish vindictive shrew of an ex wife who cheated on him while 7 months pregnant and will undoubtedly use the child as a bargaining chip against him after he leaves her.
> 
> Lets be blunt here.
> 
> Hes gotta live his life for him. Sacrificing everything for your child sounds good, on TV but even most parents would never do that, and for a person who hasn't even emotionally connected with the child yet, what do you honestly expect?
> 
> Would you rather his future be set in stone? So that one day he may even blame his ex wife and maybe even his child for robbing him of a future?


Are you f***ing kidding me? His wife screwed around, that doesn't give him a pass to walk away from his child.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JCD

Samus said:


> I am worry for that baby. Your wife sounds like she has mental issues and baby girls are so defenless against so many male intruders in there life. This child is and might get abused, molested and so many other vile things can be possible.
> .


Dude *take a deep breath.*

One negative trait does not define a human being down to a monster. Yes, she screwed around on this guy while preggers in his bed. There is no defending that kind of decision. Yes, there was a small chance it might damage the baby. Have you ever been around a pregnant lady? Stable, grounded, and reflective are all words which DON'T decribe a pregnant woman. (Note this isn't an excuse either)

This action on her part does not mean she's a crack ***** who will be willing to sell her baby for a new ticket for the OM to come down and rock her world. It doesn't mean she'll abandon her child at the first opportunity or will happily pass her child off to any pervert who happens in her life.

So a touch of caution: yes. He thought he knew her and now he's finding he wasn't correct. That doesn't mean EVERYTHING about her is wrong or mosterous.


----------



## Malaise

MattMatt said:


> She might if Social Services/Child Protection get involved.
> 
> And if Mr X has videod or photographed any of his sessions with AID's wife, and they fall into the hands of the authorities, AID's wife may find herself part of a rather nasty investigation, without AID having to do anything about it.
> 
> *It's unlikely Mr X just does the job and wanders off. He'll possibly take videos and still images and probably shares them with other people with his fetish. And on websites, too.[/*QUOTE]
> 
> Trophies of the hunt


----------



## Kasler

If he had a fetish for pregnant women he most definitely recorded it as a trophy of conquest.


----------



## Juicer

lisab0105 said:


> Are you f***ing kidding me? His wife screwed around, that doesn't give him a pass to walk away from his child.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, here is a big problem:
If it is not his child, he is free, but let's bypass that, and hypothetically say that it is his baby. 

But the big problem here? 
Well, he has no idea how that money is spent! His ex could spend that on beer and designer clothes! And she is legally allowed to do this!!! She should spend that money on her child! But because she is not required to document every penny she spends, hell, she could even take that money and spend it on drugs! 

Or, she could skip town. Never let him see his kid (that is legally 50% his) but still collect child support. Where are his rights?! If he stops paying, he goes to jail! But if he wants to see the kids, he'll need to invest thousands of dollars into a private investigator to find the child! 

Where are his rights then? 

I hope this doesn't happen, but this lady sounds psycho. And she could literally take this guy for a ride for 18 years, and never let him see his kid. 

She can force her child to walk away from her father. Yet he isn't allowed to walk away from his child. 

Where are his right's in that? Any of that?


----------



## JCD

Juicer said:


> Well, here is a big problem:
> If it is not his child, he is free, but let's bypass that, and hypothetically say that it is his baby.
> 
> But the big problem here?
> Well, he has no idea how that money is spent! His ex could spend that on beer and designer clothes! And she is legally allowed to do this!!! She should spend that money on her child! But because she is not required to document every penny she spends, hell, she could even take that money and spend it on drugs!
> 
> Or, she could skip town. Never let him see his kid (that is legally 50% his) but still collect child support. Where are his rights?! If he stops paying, he goes to jail! But if he wants to see the kids, he'll need to invest thousands of dollars into a private investigator to find the child!
> 
> Where are his rights then?
> 
> I hope this doesn't happen, but this lady sounds psycho. And she could literally take this guy for a ride for 18 years, and never let him see his kid.
> 
> She can force her child to walk away from her father. Yet he isn't allowed to walk away from his child.
> 
> Where are his right's in that? Any of that?



How is this any different than any other divorced spouse? Do you imagine that she's such a horrible person that she's not going to care for her own child at all? Just because she frakked around?

Yes, she betrayed him horribly but a) she didn't seek him out and b) there is nothing else that the OP described that suggests she was a beer addled narcissist who spent money only on herself.

So stop projecting 'monster' onto her. She isn't. She's not good, but she doesn't seem :FIREdevil:


----------



## survivorwife

Juicer said:


> Well, here is a big problem:
> If it is not his child, he is free, but let's bypass that, and hypothetically say that it is his baby.
> 
> But the big problem here?
> Well, he has no idea how that money is spent! His ex could spend that on beer and designer clothes! And she is legally allowed to do this!!! She should spend that money on her child! But because she is not required to document every penny she spends, hell, she could even take that money and spend it on drugs!
> 
> Or, she could skip town. Never let him see his kid (that is legally 50% his) but still collect child support. Where are his rights?! If he stops paying, he goes to jail! But if he wants to see the kids, he'll need to invest thousands of dollars into a private investigator to find the child!
> 
> Where are his rights then?
> 
> I hope this doesn't happen, but this lady sounds psycho.* And she could literally take this guy for a ride for 18 years, and never let him see his kid. *
> 
> She can force her child to walk away from her father. Yet he isn't allowed to walk away from his child.
> 
> Where are his right's in that? Any of that?


That's not necessarily true. You see, things have changed in the last few years, and even though (generally) you are correct in that she could make things difficult, with a skilled attorney, he could change the whole course of the child's life by filing for custody of the child himself if any of the above events occur. 

As you said, he is 50% the child's parent as well, and with that comes his own rights to the child which the mother cannot take away from him, ever. Many fathers don't challenge custody in court as they assume that the mother is favored, but make no mistake about this. Should the mother hide, refuse visitation, indulge in criminal activity, neglect or abuse the child, then the father can most definitely petition the court for full custody.


----------



## Jonesey

warlock07 said:


> Take it easy on the guy. He is still in shock of what happened to his life. There are some he is saying out of anger at the situation he is in. Let his emotions settle down. He will make better decisions then.


:iagree:

In the state of mind he is in now..He is bound to say a whole lot of things he dosent mean,and liter regret saying..

So go easy on him on that..


----------



## BeenThere27male

Am I Dreaming? said:


> Nothing has been decided yet. I'm just looking at all of my options. I will talk this over with my family before making any rash decisions. I am leaning in one direction. I cannot really begin to describe the disgust and hatred I have for the woman that is legally my wife. I want nothing to do with her once this divorce is finalized.
> 
> *I dug more into the emails/internet history/hardrive and I'm finding more ****. She has been exchanging nude images with other men for the ENTIRE length of our marriage. She has mocked me in emails to other men. There are guys who have asked her, "What about your husband?" and she just tells them he doesn't matter. He never pays attention to me.* NOT TRUE. I adored this woman and doted on her.
> 
> I am out of the house now. I did speak to her about adoption and she refused to even consider it as a possibility. I can go into her reasoning in more detail but its to be expected. This woman is selfishness personified. She would never do what is best for the child.
> 
> If I was in the child's life I really could not be a counterpoint to my STBXW. It would only be drama. I wouldn't be able to raise this little girl the way I want to. I would have to go through the bull**** that I have seen many friends go through. I've seen nasty, nasty custody cases - and that was with normal, sane people. I know with my STBXW it would be a mess and so ugly.
> 
> This child is her daughter. I need to accept that. I cannot try to play hero and save her. Its not going to be possible. I have to move on with my life. This is a dark, sordid chapter of my life that I never want to revisit. Being involved with her child will make moving on impossible.
> 
> I did inform the attorney that I would like to dispute paternity and he is working on the forms for that. Its a bit complicated since I am assumed to be the father since we were/are married. I do think biologically her child is probably mine but it is best to be safe with this. Considering her past its not sure bet.
> 
> I have basically gone no contact with STBXW. I haven't answered her calls or texts and the only contact I've had is very formal. I'm done with her. I cannot believe I even for a second considered reconciliation with her.


Am I Dreaming : Have you confronted her with the new information on all the other men and nude pictures going back to the beginning of marriage? What is her reply? What is her excuse?


----------



## the guy

lisab0105 said:


> Are you f***ing kidding me? His wife screwed around, that doesn't give him a pass to walk away from his child.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


IF IN FACT IT IS HIS CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sure they were trying to concieve, but one must take into account, that cheaters not only lie, but also minimize.

The fact of the matter is OP doesn't know who he really married.

Maybe WW was lonely and it was a one time deal

OR

Maybe she is just a freak and and has beed getting strange the whole time.

Point here is get the damb DNA test. Even just for the value of making a statement that her action have consequences. Same goes for a STD test...WW has to face the consequenses either if it is a chacter flaw of a broken women or a one time laps in judgement.


----------



## JCD

Am I Dreaming? said:


> Nothing has been decided yet. I'm just looking at all of my options. I will talk this over with my family before making any rash decisions. I am leaning in one direction. I cannot really begin to describe the disgust and hatred I have for the woman that is legally my wife. I want nothing to do with her once this divorce is finalized.
> 
> I dug more into the emails/internet history/hardrive and I'm finding more ****. She has been exchanging nude images with other men for the ENTIRE length of our marriage. She has mocked me in emails to other men. There are guys who have asked her, "What about your husband?" and she just tells them he doesn't matter. He never pays attention to me. NOT TRUE. I adored this woman and doted on her.
> 
> I am out of the house now. I did speak to her about adoption and she refused to even consider it as a possibility. I can go into her reasoning in more detail but its to be expected. This woman is selfishness personified. She would never do what is best for the child.
> 
> If I was in the child's life I really could not be a counterpoint to my STBXW. It would only be drama. I wouldn't be able to raise this little girl the way I want to. I would have to go through the bull**** that I have seen many friends go through. I've seen nasty, nasty custody cases - and that was with normal, sane people. I know with my STBXW it would be a mess and so ugly.
> 
> This child is her daughter. I need to accept that. I cannot try to play hero and save her. Its not going to be possible. I have to move on with my life. This is a dark, sordid chapter of my life that I never want to revisit. Being involved with her child will make moving on impossible.
> 
> I did inform the attorney that I would like to dispute paternity and he is working on the forms for that. Its a bit complicated since I am assumed to be the father since we were/are married. I do think biologically her child is probably mine but it is best to be safe with this. Considering her past its not sure bet.
> 
> I have basically gone no contact with STBXW. I haven't answered her calls or texts and the only contact I've had is very formal. I'm done with her. I cannot believe I even for a second considered reconciliation with her.


Yikes missed this post. 

Of course, this begs the question of if she thought so little of you, why did she marry you?

She doesn't sound like a keeper...nor someone you want to spend any time with. Put all that in the packet too because if/when you hit her with the papers, she's going to fight back hard and try to paint you as a very bad guy.

You need to rebut this effectively and to do that you need to go graphic. Giving MIL and FIL a set of pictures with your wife's hoo hoo hanging out is effective but not as effective as an email disparging you to other men. If either has a touch of character, it will be more effective that way.

Good luck, go dark and never look back if you aren't the father.

Let me say that even if you are a mere momentary influence in your daughter's life, it will make huge impacts.


----------



## Hicks

Get her parents involved.
Convince them to adopt this baby.
Whatever it takes.

I agree with the others.. That child is yours as well as hers. You have to lay down your life for the child that you created...Unless DNA get's you off the hook.


----------



## F-102

Am I Dreaming? said:


> Nothing has been decided yet. I'm just looking at all of my options. I will talk this over with my family before making any rash decisions. I am leaning in one direction. I cannot really begin to describe the disgust and hatred I have for the woman that is legally my wife. I want nothing to do with her once this divorce is finalized.
> 
> I dug more into the emails/internet history/hardrive and I'm finding more ****. She has been exchanging nude images with other men for the ENTIRE length of our marriage. She has mocked me in emails to other men. There are guys who have asked her, "What about your husband?" and she just tells them he doesn't matter. He never pays attention to me. NOT TRUE. I adored this woman and doted on her.
> 
> I am out of the house now. I did speak to her about adoption and she refused to even consider it as a possibility. I can go into her reasoning in more detail but its to be expected. This woman is selfishness personified. She would never do what is best for the child.
> 
> If I was in the child's life I really could not be a counterpoint to my STBXW. It would only be drama. I wouldn't be able to raise this little girl the way I want to. I would have to go through the bull**** that I have seen many friends go through. I've seen nasty, nasty custody cases - and that was with normal, sane people. I know with my STBXW it would be a mess and so ugly.
> 
> This child is her daughter. I need to accept that. I cannot try to play hero and save her. Its not going to be possible. I have to move on with my life. This is a dark, sordid chapter of my life that I never want to revisit. Being involved with her child will make moving on impossible.
> 
> I did inform the attorney that I would like to dispute paternity and he is working on the forms for that. Its a bit complicated since I am assumed to be the father since we were/are married. I do think biologically her child is probably mine but it is best to be safe with this. Considering her past its not sure bet.
> 
> I have basically gone no contact with STBXW. I haven't answered her calls or texts and the only contact I've had is very formal. I'm done with her. I cannot believe I even for a second considered reconciliation with her.


AID, you may want to consider going back home and doing the "in house separation" thing, until you D or get a legal separation-a judge will see that as "abandonment" in the divorce proceedings, and that WILL be used against you.


----------



## the guy

F-102 has a good point....get back home.

Just remember she will screw with you so have a VAR and make sure you protect your self from false accusations.


----------



## F-102

She is a stone-cold LIAR. She will get a scumbag, win-at-all-costs-attorney who will have her play the shocked, blindsided, innocent victim whose deadbeat H skipped out on her when she needed him most.

Judges just LOVE getting guys like this in their courtroom.


----------



## the guy

In the same breath....if OP plays his card right, judges also love sticking it to the wayward spouse that are to weak to face the issues and step out of a marriage.

MOVE BACK!


----------



## Bricko

As you said, he is 50% the child's parent as well, and with that comes his own rights to the child which the mother cannot take away from him, ever. Many fathers don't challenge custody in court as they assume that the mother is favored, but make no mistake about this. Should the mother hide, refuse visitation, indulge in criminal activity, neglect or abuse the child, then the father can most definitely petition the court for full custody.[/QUOTE]

You may be describing what is happening in your state or your local jurisdiction, but this is not necessarily the case everywhere in the country. Things have gotten slightly better for fathers in the court system, but in my opinion, there is still not equality.

I can say from experience that co-parenting with a unstable and mean ex spouse casts a pall many days.
AID says he wants to go back to Texas.
Most courts would allow him to have his child visit him in Texas over a good portion of the summer and possibly Christmas holidays.


----------



## F-102

She EXCHANGED nude pics? Hate to throw another wrench your way, but I'll be willing to bet my next paycheck that they are now on several websites.


----------



## Machiavelli

JCD said:


> ...
> 
> Of course, this begs the question of if she thought so little of you, why did she marry you?


Beta-provider who provides while she plays with Alphas.




JCD said:


> Good luck, go dark and never look back if you aren't the father.


Exactly.



JCD said:


> Let me say that even if you are a mere momentary influence in your daughter's life, it will make huge impacts.


OP may be only sane person in the girl's life. I also agree with the other posters that the daughter is most likely in for a life of sexual use and abuse.


----------



## Shaggy

I'm really doubting it's his kid at all.

But even it is or isn't - people this guy's hurting and angry so please stop going off on him. He's working through it the best he can.

He's a good faithful guy. Clearly he won't walk away from the kid.

Now the mother on the other hand, is clearly an accomplished liar and cheater. The kid is only going to tie her lifestyle down, as the kind of scumbag men she seems to prefer won't put with a kid in tow on little bit. 

So if you want to be worried for the kid - don't jump on the OP, jump on the trampy mother who is sending pics to men, having sexting chats and inviting men to her home for sex fests while her husband is away. She's the one who is the threat to the child. She is one who has ended this marriage by abandoning it.

She is the only one who deserves any harsh words here, not the OP.

Get that DNA test.


----------



## aug

F-102 said:


> AID, you may want to consider going back home and doing the "in house separation" thing, until you D or get a legal separation-a judge will see that as "abandonment" in the divorce proceedings, and that WILL be used against you.


There's no abandonment if the child is not born yet. And only after a DNA test proves that the child is his. The DNA test will take a week or so -- too short a time to be reasonably considered abandonment.


----------



## aug

F-102 said:


> She EXCHANGED nude pics? Hate to throw another wrench your way, but I'll be willing to bet my next paycheck that they are now on several websites.




tineye can search


----------



## larry.gray

aug said:


> tineye can search


Oh man, that tool has got to be depressing news for a lot of people.


----------



## Vanguard

Am I Dreaming? said:


> Nothing has been decided yet. I'm just looking at all of my options. I will talk this over with my family before making any rash decisions. I am leaning in one direction. I cannot really begin to describe the disgust and hatred I have for the woman that is legally my wife. I want nothing to do with her once this divorce is finalized.
> 
> I dug more into the emails/internet history/hardrive and I'm finding more ****. She has been exchanging nude images with other men for the ENTIRE length of our marriage. She has mocked me in emails to other men. There are guys who have asked her, "What about your husband?" and she just tells them he doesn't matter. He never pays attention to me. NOT TRUE. I adored this woman and doted on her.
> 
> I am out of the house now. I did speak to her about adoption and she refused to even consider it as a possibility. I can go into her reasoning in more detail but its to be expected. This woman is selfishness personified. She would never do what is best for the child.
> 
> If I was in the child's life I really could not be a counterpoint to my STBXW. It would only be drama. I wouldn't be able to raise this little girl the way I want to. I would have to go through the bull**** that I have seen many friends go through. I've seen nasty, nasty custody cases - and that was with normal, sane people. I know with my STBXW it would be a mess and so ugly.
> 
> This child is her daughter. I need to accept that. I cannot try to play hero and save her. Its not going to be possible. I have to move on with my life. This is a dark, sordid chapter of my life that I never want to revisit. Being involved with her child will make moving on impossible.
> 
> I did inform the attorney that I would like to dispute paternity and he is working on the forms for that. Its a bit complicated since I am assumed to be the father since we were/are married. I do think biologically her child is probably mine but it is best to be safe with this. Considering her past its not sure bet.
> 
> I have basically gone no contact with STBXW. I haven't answered her calls or texts and the only contact I've had is very formal. I'm done with her. I cannot believe I even for a second considered reconciliation with her.


Good for you man. Leave them. *LEAVE THEM*. Get the HELL out of this. You don't want to be anywhere near this putrid harpy or her spawn.


----------



## walkonmars

Am I Dreaming? said:


> This is so embarrassing and humiliating. I'm getting a lot of sympathy but I just feel pathetic.


_*YOU*_ have *N O T H I N G* to feel embarrassed or ashamed about. SHE DOES. 

Others are right if the baby is yours, you have an obligation to see she has the best possible life under the circumstances. You need to be the unsung hero in her life. Move back in to avoid 'desertion' label, request equal custody, keep eyes open to the way baby is treated and have child protective services number handy. In your senior years you will not regret that you looked out for your daughter when she needed it most.


----------



## lisab0105

WhiteMousse said:


> Good for you man. Leave them. *LEAVE THEM*. Get the HELL out of this. You don't want to be anywhere near this putrid harpy or her spawn.


What a horrid thing to call a baby. If this kid is his, OP needs to put his big boy pants on and be a father. We've all been hurt by cheating, it doesn't give any of us a right to ditch our responsibility.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thor

Am I Dreaming, if this hasn't been said enough yet, you must go into defensive mode here with respect to false allegations.

The chances of your wife making crazy vicious accusations is probably 100%. You must have a Voice Activated Recorder on your body at all times. You should try to install some kind of nanny cam video surveillance in your home. When she dials 911 and accuses you of hitting her or worse, you will be glad you have recorded evidence.

Keep electronic backups of all previous recordings so there is a history. She may threaten she will make a false allegation, and so you want to have a copy of that threat so when she does later make the false allegation you have some evidence on your side.

Your lawyer can advise on the legalities in your location of making those recordings. Also whether they can be used to defend you even if they were illegally made. They may not be legal to prosecute her, but would they be useful to defend you? 

You need to talk to your lawyer and get yourself as protected as possible against the coming onslaught of false allegations and hysterical 911 calls.


----------



## sinnister

It's unfair and almost a cosmic joke to ask you to be even stronger than you have been through all of this. But you have to be. If this baby is yours you have got to be stronger than you ever thought capable to deal with your stbxw for as long as it takes to raise that child. You have no idea how important it will be to have a rational and stable father in the childs life. You need to do this. It's not a question of if...you must. Leaving your own child only hurts you and the child not your stbxw. Think about it.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

WhiteMousse said:


> Good for you man. Leave them. *LEAVE THEM*. Get the HELL out of this. You don't want to be anywhere near this putrid harpy or her spawn.


Correction: THEIR spawn. And if it is his child then he's abandoning her to a life of suffering, whereas before he found out about his disgusting wife he was willing to give her the world. WTF?


----------



## mrstj4sho88

It sounds like you trying to turn a hoe into a house wife..That will never happen with this one you married. You need to get out of that marriage (if I can even call it a marriage).


----------



## mrstj4sho88

She is a nasty cheating user with no respect for you ..I bet cheatiing is nothing new to her . I almost lost my lunch reading about this issue. That W is a sicko ..nasty nasty nasty hoe..


----------



## MattMatt

F-102 said:


> She EXCHANGED nude pics? Hate to throw another wrench your way, but I'll be willing to bet my next paycheck that they are now on several websites.


:iagree:


----------



## MattMatt

larry.gray said:


> Oh man, that tool has got to be depressing news for a lot of people.


Good news for some, bad news for others...


----------



## walkonmars

Thor said:


> *Am I Dreaming, if this hasn't been said enough yet, you must go into defensive mode here with respect to false allegations.
> 
> The chances of your wife making crazy vicious accusations is probably 100%. * You must have a Voice Activated Recorder on your body at all times. You should try to install some kind of nanny cam video surveillance in your home. When she dials 911 and accuses you of hitting her or worse, you will be glad you have recorded evidence.
> .



This is excellent advice. You should heed it from now on - even after D and visitations start. You'll need to be aware that if she gets a wild hair she could claim abuse during visits. 

This advice is not meant to scare you away from custody b/c you need to step in - but meant to make you aware that from now until forever you need to be on your guard.


----------



## Jonesey

Shaggy said:


> I'm really doubting it's his kid at all.
> 
> But even it is or isn't - people this guy's hurting and angry so please stop going off on him. He's working through it the best he can.
> 
> He's a good faithful guy. Clearly he won't walk away from the kid.
> 
> Now the mother on the other hand, is clearly an accomplished liar and cheater. The kid is only going to tie her lifestyle down, as the kind of scumbag men she seems to prefer won't put with a kid in tow on little bit.
> 
> So if you want to be worried for the kid - don't jump on the OP, jump on the trampy mother who is sending pics to men, having sexting chats and inviting men to her home for sex fests while her husband is away. She's the one who is the threat to the child. She is one who has ended this marriage by abandoning it.
> 
> She is the only one who deserves any harsh words here, not the OP.
> 
> Get that DNA test.


:iagree: Im stunned how much #%%##" he get´s

No perspective from some poster´s


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## Loveandpizza

lisab0105 said:


> What a horrid thing to call a baby. If this kid is his, OP needs to put his big boy pants on and be a father. We've all been hurt by cheating, it doesn't give any of us a right to ditch our responsibility.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The baby was not called anything bad. Women have a right to their body and are able to ditch their responsibility if they wish to. She can choose to not have the baby or put it up for adoption. Men have no choice but to "man up" and take care of the responsibility. Give the OP a break. The Wife is the one choosing to bring this baby into the world of a home that she has broken up. The OP will have to put his big boy pants on as you call it and be a father, mothers however have many choices to ditch responsibility. I am not against women having a choice but I think men should have a choice also. The amount of involvement the OP wishes to give the child that his wayward wife is choosing to have it should be of his own choosing and not from being being guilt into it, especially by a cheating spouse that enjoys the power trip.


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## Loveandpizza

Jonesey said:


> :iagree: Im stunned how much #%%##" he get´s
> 
> No perspective from some poster´s


I totally agree. Don't forget that the mother had the choice not to break up the home for the child she was expecting. Second she has a choice to adopt the kid out. Third she has the choice to do the noble thing and let the father have custody, and pay him child support. Fourth she has the choice to reject welfare and child support from the father. Of course I doubt these things will happen. Stop going on and on about the responsibilities of the Father.


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## Almostrecovered

Loveandpizza said:


> She can choose to not have the baby


uh, not in the third trimester unless it is endangering the mother's life


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## MattMatt

Loveandpizza said:


> The baby was not called anything bad.


Actually, I think it was.

The situation is bad enough for AID, without trying to ramp it up for him.

AID knows what he needs to do. Whatever he does, there's going to be a lot of pain for him.

We can be there for him without insulting the child. (Which may or may not be his.) After all, the child did not ask to be born to a woman who, even now, might be starring on some horrendous pregnancy fetish websites.


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## Loveandpizza

Almostrecovered said:


> uh, not in the third trimester unless it is endangering the mother's life


You are correct. I was more thinking that knowing the way she is wanting to sleep around she could of prevented getting pregnant. There is plenty of BC now. Of course there is also adoption.


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## lisab0105

Loveandpizza said:


> I totally agree. Don't forget that the mother had the choice not to break up the home for the child she was expecting. Second she has a choice to adopt the kid out. Third she has the choice to do the noble thing and let the father have custody, and pay him child support. Fourth she has the choice to reject welfare and child support from the father. Of course I doubt these things will happen. Stop going on and on about the responsibilities of the Father.


Well lets see, the OP himself called that baby a lost cause and another poster called the baby a spawn. The OP wants to talk about forgetting about this little girl so he can run away and start a whole brand new 
family...sorry if that is the road he takes that just makes him a different kind of scum than his whoring wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

Careful, folks! Harsh words and bad names have been getting some people banned, lately! 

This is a very emotive subject, so please go gentle on the invective, OK?:smthumbup:


----------



## Jonesey

Loveandpizza said:


> I totally agree. Don't forget that the mother had the choice not to break up the home for the child she was expecting. Second she has a choice to adopt the kid out. Third she has the choice to do the noble thing and let the father have custody, and pay him child support. Fourth she has the choice to reject welfare and child support from the father. Of course I doubt these things will happen. _* Stop going on and on about the responsibilities of the Father.*_


:iagree:
Im just asking for some perspective here. I cant even begin to imagine what state he most be in right now...Cut OP some slack
for love of god..When everything is said and done.And the child turns out to be his..Regret for life.


----------



## Loveandpizza

lisab0105 said:


> Well lets see, the OP himself called that baby a lost cause and another poster called the baby a spawn. The OP wants to talk about forgetting about this little girl so he can run away and start a whole brand new
> family...sorry if that is the road he takes that just makes him a different kind of scum than his whoring wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The baby probably will be a lost cause unless the OP can get documented proof of her cheating on him while shooting up heroin or something she will get custody. She will badmouth the father and raise the child to be like her. It is hard to see this as more than a lost cause. What the OP can do to influence his child will be quite limited. The child will bond to who has custody.

I would want a different family if my wife was cheating on me. She is the one choosing to bring a kid into the world of a broken home. Put blame where it is due.

To add there is nothing demeaning about using the term "spawn" either.


----------



## Jonesey

lisab0105 said:


> Well lets see, the OP himself called that baby a lost cause and another poster called the baby a spawn. The OP wants to talk about forgetting about this little girl so he can run away and start a whole brand new
> family...sorry if that is the road he takes that just makes him a different kind of scum than his whoring wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Look
Please read this thread from the beginning.And then put your self
in OP shoes. The state he must be in right now.I seriously believe
he is going to live to regret,what has been said.

Try just to take his state of mind in to account.Perspective thats all.


----------



## Am I Dreaming?

Thank you to everyone for the advice. I am being careful with what I say to her. Everything is written (either text or email) so I have some sort of back-up of it. The place we have right now is a sub-let until the end of the year. We were going to figure out more permanent housing soon but then all of this went down. Turns out it worked out to my advantage that we didn't have a "home". 

I'll ask the attorney about a VAR and the legality of it. It does sound like a good idea. I have so little desire to enter into a long, drawn out custody battle with my STBXW. I'm growing more and more detached from her child. If it is confirmed to be mine, which like I have said is most likely the case, I'll figure something out. Either child support and occasional visitation or just child support. The child will be taken care of. I am still reading up on all of this so I don't what all the options are. 

If my STBXW is protective and possessive of the child, as I suspect she will be, then I am comfortable walking away. If she wants to work with me then we can try to figure something out. I really doubt that we'll be able to have some reasonable, healthy, co-parenting relationship. It seems like a fantasy. 

I'm not abandoning a child who loves me, who I love, and who is attached to me. I'm leaving before day 1. If my wife decided she didn't want the child she could give her up for adoption. She could have (at an earlier point) had an abortion. I don't have those options. The closest choice I have is leave and pay child support. I really feel like my wife is toxic and being near her is going to kill me. I've already wasted years of my life with her. I don't want to waste more. 

And I don't think I could have a real impact on this child's life. What limited time I would have with her would be counteracted by my wife. As honorable as it may sound to say, "save this child", I don't think its realistic. I've already suffered enough at my wife's hand. Staying with the child would be signing up for another 18 years of torture. I'm sorry to be dramatic but this is just how I feel. 

To make things even more difficult my wife is continuing to mind-**** me. Honestly, she should just start acting professionally. Such a ****ing liar. Its scary. And I'm already becoming the bad guy. You all called it... I'm now abandoning her and I'm causing her stress.


----------



## larry.gray

Almostrecovered said:


> uh, not in the third trimester unless it is endangering the mother's life


You can go to several states and get it done.

That's why Dr. George Tiller was shot. He did 3rd trimester elective abortions. (not claiming to justify it...)


----------



## Loveandpizza

Am I Dreaming? said:


> Thank you to everyone for the advice. I am being careful with what I say to her. Everything is written (either text or email) so I have some sort of back-up of it. The place we have right now is a sub-let until the end of the year. We were going to figure out more permanent housing soon but then all of this went down. Turns out it worked out to my advantage that we didn't have a "home".
> 
> I'll ask the attorney about a VAR and the legality of it. It does sound like a good idea. I have so little desire to enter into a long, drawn out custody battle with my STBXW. I'm growing more and more detached from her child. If it is confirmed to be mine, which like I have said is most likely the case, I'll figure something out. Either child support and occasional visitation or just child support. The child will be taken care of. I am still reading up on all of this so I don't what all the options are.
> 
> If my STBXW is protective and possessive of the child, as I suspect she will be, then I am comfortable walking away. If she wants to work with me then we can try to figure something out. I really doubt that we'll be able to have some reasonable, healthy, co-parenting relationship. It seems like a fantasy.
> 
> I'm not abandoning a child who loves me, who I love, and who is attached to me. I'm leaving before day 1. If my wife decided she didn't want the child she could give her up for adoption. She could have (at an earlier point) had an abortion. I don't have those options. The closest choice I have is leave and pay child support. I really feel like my wife is toxic and being near her is going to kill me. I've already wasted years of my life with her. I don't want to waste more.
> 
> And I don't think I could have a real impact on this child's life. What limited time I would have with her would be counteracted by my wife. As honorable as it may sound to say, "save this child", I don't think its realistic. I've already suffered enough at my wife's hand. Staying with the child would be signing up for another 18 years of torture. I'm sorry to be dramatic but this is just how I feel.
> 
> To make things even more difficult my wife is continuing to mind-**** me. Honestly, she should just start acting professionally. Such a ****ing liar. Its scary. And I'm already becoming the bad guy. You all called it... I'm now abandoning her and I'm causing her stress.


I understand where some are coming from that are saying to man-up and take care of your responsibilities but you have to look at it from a realistic perspective. If you wife gets custody and tries to block you and use the kid as a tool to try to torture you, you have to be the one to make the decision whether you want to fight her or not give her the pleasure by ignoring it all. It should be your choice. You should not be guilted by others into doing something because it sounds politically correct.

I think from what I am reading that you are doing a good job of getting through all of this. Your wife's lawyer or other people have advised her to do this most likely so she can try to look like the good person in court. It is all an act. You need to keep any hard proof you have and not tell her you have it until it is needed. Noble people and compassionate people can fall into the trap of being guilt tripped and made to feel like the bad guy. You need to avoid this trap.

Her body her choice. She choose to cheat on you while pregnant with her body. You should have a choice on how you handle your life as well. It is a two-way streak.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

We suffer from the mistakes of our parents/grandparents This child will suffer because the mother was pulling some slvtty stunts while pregnant with her husbands daughter. Whatever decision you choose do not tolerate ANY ridiculous immaturity, she owes you FOR life if you stay with her and it is DEFINTELY only going to become more difficult.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Loveandpizza

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> We suffer from the mistakes of our parents/grandparents This child will suffer because the mother was pulling some slvtty stunts while pregnant with her husbands daughter. Whatever decision you choose do not tolerate ANY ridiculous immaturity, she owes you FOR life if you stay with her and it is DEFINTELY only going to become more difficult.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes I was raised by a single mother under similar circumstances. I'm not sure if it happened during pregnancy but I know it was when i was young. Sure I was brainwashed against my father and I'm sure this was hard on him. He fought for visitation and I wouldn't blame him if he didn't. He had to man up and pay support for my mom's mistakes. You will not have much influence. You have to pray for the best and hope that when the child gets older they will learn the truth of the matter.


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## MattMatt

> She could have (at an earlier point) had an abortion.


Now, if you think about it logically, AID, that was never an option, was it?

After all, the POSOM had a fetish for cuckolding married men by having sex with their heavily pregnant wives. Not their no-longer-pregnant wives.


----------



## Complexity

Am I Dreaming said:


> To make things even more difficult my wife is continuing to mind-**** me. Honestly, she should just start acting professionally. Such a ****ing liar. Its scary. And I'm already becoming the bad guy. You all called it... I'm now abandoning her and I'm causing her stress.


What do you mean? I'm intrigued to know what her response has been lately.


----------



## Jordabro

This is a heartbreaking poste to read. 

My comment is in no doubt to late but i hope you got a paternity test done. If it showed that the child is yours i hope you stuck around for your child because regardless of what the mother may have done, as sick as it is, it is your child's welfare and well being that matters the most in all this. Not your feelings, not the mothers feelings, you gave up the right for any of those to be placed first the moment your baby was conceived. There is no excuse what so ever to back out now. I am sorry to hear this, i cannot begin to imagine the damage this has caused to yourself, but perhaps you just need some time. Regardless, the baby needs a dad and that is you. 

But if the child was not yours then i wish you good luck for the future after the divorce. You would have just dodged something nasty therefore would be happy. 

Edit: After reading more of your postes, it is sad to read you are even willing to let your child go just because you hate the mother. Yes the mother is sick and you hate her...but it is not the childs fault and to see you write "she is a lost cause" is disgusting! Do what you say, and say those things while leaving and you will be on par with the mother! Don't think you will be the only separated father in the world. There are separated fathers out there, lots of them, who stuck with their children no matter what. Sure they may hate the mother with a passion for whatever reason, most do, but i'm sorry to say but by leaving your child the way you plan to is a cowardice cold hearted act. It really is. You, or anyone else, cannot possibly say i do not know what it is like because trust me i do. It may have not fallen out the same way as what happened to you, but after much heart ache i ended up as a separated father well before my son was even born. But despite the hard fact of reality I moved from New Zealand to Scotland permanently for this unborn child because i knew i could not live a life of guilt that a young boy wouldn't of even had a chance to have a proper dad and it would have been my fault. After 3 years i am still in Scotland and my son stays the night at least twice a week. It is structured in a way i have as little contact with the mother as possible. My family, my friends, everything that meant the most to me was left on the other side of the world for my boy and words cannot explain how hard things got while facing residency, employment and redundancy issues. But in the end, i have a wonderful son who loves me and i love him. And no matter how much of a nasty ***** his mother can be, she can never take that away from us. 

I wrote this because i'm hoping you will re-think what you plan, because it is not just about you, it's about a young girl's life and future we are talking about here, the one your willing to throw away as a lost cause...saying it as though she is just going to be a worthless lump of flesh. Forget about the mother, this little girl is going to be your daughter!!!! No matter where you go, no matter what!!!!


----------



## Malaise

Shaggy said:


> I'm really doubting it's his kid at all.
> 
> But even it is or isn't - people this guy's hurting and angry so please stop going off on him. He's working through it the best he can.
> 
> He's a good faithful guy. Clearly he won't walk away from the kid.
> 
> Now the mother on the other hand, is clearly an accomplished liar and cheater. *The kid is only going to tie her lifestyle down, as the kind of scumbag men she seems to prefer won't put with a kid in tow on little bit. *
> So if you want to be worried for the kid - don't jump on the OP, jump on the trampy mother who is sending pics to men, having sexting chats and inviting men to her home for sex fests while her husband is away. She's the one who is the threat to the child. She is one who has ended this marriage by abandoning it.
> 
> She is the only one who deserves any harsh words here, not the OP.
> 
> Get that DNA test.


I hate to say it but to some lowlife men a little girl could be a little bonus.

There have been sickening news stories in the recent past where so called mothers have 'loaned out' their children, male and female,to their 'friends'


'Sickening' is a major under statement.


----------



## MattMatt

Jordabro said:


> This is a heartbreaking poste to read.
> 
> My comment is in no doubt to late but i hope you got a paternity test done. If it showed that the child is yours i hope you stuck around for your child because regardless of what the mother may have done, as sick as it is, it is your child's welfare and well being that matters the most in all this. Not your feelings, not the mothers feelings, you gave up the right for any of those to be placed first the moment your baby was conceived. There is no excuse what so ever to back out now. I am sorry to hear this, i cannot begin to imagine the damage this has caused to yourself, but perhaps you just need some time. Regardless, the baby needs a dad and that is you.
> 
> But if the child was not yours then i wish you good luck for the future after the divorce. You would have just dodged something nasty therefore would be happy.
> 
> Edit: After reading more of your postes, it is sad to read you are even willing to let your child go just because you hate the mother. Yes the mother is sick and you hate her...but it is not the childs fault and to see you write "she is a lost cause" is disgusting! Do what you say, and say those things while leaving and you will be on par the mother! Don't think you will be the only separated father in the world. There are separated fathers out there, lots of them, who stuck with their children no matter what. Sure they may hate the mother with a passion for whatever reason, most do, but i'm sorry to say but by leaving your child the way you plan to is a cowardice cold hearted act. It really is. You, or anyone else, cannot possibly say i do not know what it is like because trust me i do. It may have not fallen out the same way as what happened to you, but after much heart ache i ended up as a separated father well before my son was even born. But despite the hard fact of reality I moved from New Zealand to Scotland permanently for this unborn child because i knew i could not live a life of guilt that a young boy wouldn't of even had a chance to have a proper dad and it would have been my fault. After 3 years i am still in Scotland and my son stays the night at least twice a week. It is structured in a way i have as little contact with the mother as possible. My family, my friends, everything that meant the most to me was left on the other side of the world for my boy and words cannot explain how hard things got while facing residency, employment and redundancy issues. But in the end, i have a wonderful son who loves me and i love him. And no matter how much of a nasty ***** his mother can be, she can never take that away from us.
> 
> I wrote this because i'm hoping you will re-think what you plan, because it is not just about you, it's about a young girl's life and future we are talking about here, the one your willing to throw away as a lost cause...saying it as though she is just going to be a worthless lump of flesh, she's your daughter for chirsts sakes!!!!


Sorry to hear about your situation, Jordabro. But pleased you could bring your personal experience to this very emotionally charged thread.


----------



## walkonmars

A I D:
You have been dealt a seemingly unbearable treachery by someone who was supposed to love you and be your life partner. The betrayal is cold, heartless and despicable. 

When you think of it further I hope you will consider that (if God forbid, the child is yours) there are over 700, 000 cases of child abuse every year in this country. Sorry for the guilt trip but ... would you be okay if YOUR daughter was among the statistics? 

You never have to see the cheating xx%*# again. You can arrange transfer of child through a third disinterested party - some social service organization. Your parents have a right to bond with their granddaughter, she has a right to know them. I said before and say again - YOU HAVE TO BE THE UNSUNG HERO ... humbly embrace her and give her the chance at a moral and successful life she'll likely miss out with that creature that's going to birth her. 

It's your life, make the best decision for yourself but do consider what I've said. Please feel free to ignore me - I really have no right to intrude in your personal tragedy - and I really don't know how I would handle the situation if I were faced with it so I feel very awkward in 'moralizing' to you. Still I felt I needed to say what I've said. Be well.


----------



## BeenThere27male

BeenThere27male said:


> Am I Dreaming : Have you confronted her with the new information on all the other men and nude pictures going back to the beginning of marriage? What is her reply? What is her excuse?


 Originally Posted by Am I Dreaming? View Post
Nothing has been decided yet. I'm just looking at all of my options. I will talk this over with my family before making any rash decisions. I am leaning in one direction. I cannot really begin to describe the disgust and hatred I have for the woman that is legally my wife. I want nothing to do with her once this divorce is finalized.

*I dug more into the emails/internet history/hardrive and I'm finding more ****. She has been exchanging nude images with other men for the ENTIRE length of our marriage. She has mocked me in emails to other men. There are guys who have asked her, "What about your husband?" and she just tells them he doesn't matter. He never pays attention to me. NOT TRUE. I adored this woman and doted on her.*

I am out of the house now. I did speak to her about adoption and she refused to even consider it as a possibility. I can go into her reasoning in more detail but its to be expected. This woman is selfishness personified. She would never do what is best for the child.

If I was in the child's life I really could not be a counterpoint to my STBXW. It would only be drama. I wouldn't be able to raise this little girl the way I want to. I would have to go through the bull**** that I have seen many friends go through. I've seen nasty, nasty custody cases - and that was with normal, sane people. I know with my STBXW it would be a mess and so ugly.

This child is her daughter. I need to accept that. I cannot try to play hero and save her. Its not going to be possible. I have to move on with my life. This is a dark, sordid chapter of my life that I never want to revisit. Being involved with her child will make moving on impossible.

I did inform the attorney that I would like to dispute paternity and he is working on the forms for that. Its a bit complicated since I am assumed to be the father since we were/are married. I do think biologically her child is probably mine but it is best to be safe with this. Considering her past its not sure bet.

I have basically gone no contact with STBXW. I haven't answered her calls or texts and the only contact I've had is very formal. I'm done with her. I cannot believe I even for a second considered reconciliation with her.


*Am I Dreaming : Have you confronted her with the new information on all the other men and nude pictures going back to the beginning of marriage? What is her reply? What is her excuse? How does she reply to that which you found,...I assume she did not volunteer the info, as you found out about the other by checking *


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Jonesey said:


> :iagree:
> Im just asking for some perspective here. I cant even begin to imagine what state he most be in right now...Cut OP some slack
> for love of god..When everything is said and done.And the child turns out to be his..Regret for life.


If he's serious about abandoning his unborn daughter then I sure as hell won't give him any slack. That, to me is the epitome of selfishness.

Yes, AID is hurting now but he needs to hear arguments counter to what he's planning to do to his child.

My ex left me with two teenagers to go and live the single life. Don't you think there are days when I wished that I didn't have the responsibility of taking care of two moody teenagers? Sure. But I just close my eyes and enjoy the thought and then bring myself back to reality. I love my kids and would never abandon either one of them. No matter how much animosity I have for their mother.


----------



## Loveandpizza

walkonmars said:


> A I D:
> You have been dealt a seemingly unbearable treachery by someone who was supposed to love you and be your life partner. The betrayal is cold, heartless and despicable.
> 
> When you think of it further I hope you will consider that (if God forbid, the child is yours) there are over 700, 000 cases of child abuse every year in this country. Sorry for the guilt trip but ... would you be okay if YOUR daughter was among the statistics?
> 
> You never have to see the cheating xx%*# again. You can arrange transfer of child through a third disinterested party - some social service organization. Your parents have a right to bond with their granddaughter, she has a right to know them. I said before and say again - YOU HAVE TO BE THE UNSUNG HERO ... humbly embrace her and give her the chance at a moral and successful life she'll likely miss out with that creature that's going to birth her.
> 
> It's your life, make the best decision for yourself but do consider what I've said. Please feel free to ignore me - I really have no right to intrude in your personal tragedy - and I really don't know how I would handle the situation if I were faced with it so I feel very awkward in 'moralizing' to you. Still I felt I needed to say what I've said. Be well.


I don't see how he could prevent child abuse with visitation and I do not see the relevance except as a scare tactic guilt trip.


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## walkonmars

Jordabro 
YOU are the type of person who makes me proud to be a man and a parent.


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## Ikaika

My biggest fear (personal experience) is that this child will end up having decisions made by cps - and end up in the god awful hole we call foster care. I would not wish that on my worst enemy... I have a real lump in my throat for the OP but larger hole in my heart for this child. :'(

I normally don't hate people, especially ones I don't know, but I loathe this woman to depths of my soul.


----------



## JCD

Loveandpizza said:


> I don't see how he could prevent child abuse with visitation and I do not see the relevance except as a scare tactic guilt trip.


Particularly added to the fact that the majority of child abuse cases come about *from the parent!* 

This is a nonsense argument both ways. Whatever her inner demons, the WW had disrespect toward HIM. He has not given any inidcation that she hates people in general. Like so many young brides, she still thinks she's in high school and wants that endorphine rush of being wooed.

I certainly am sympathetic to his plight. He wasted *one year* on this woman (not many) and now he's looking at being on the hook for 18 more minimum. But AID, you were already _planning on doing that._ You knew what you were getting into when you started this. Not the whole 'pregger screwing around in the bed' but certainly enough marriages have crashed and burned that you had to think that at some point this might become the case.

If you are mentally always going to treat your daughter as 'that tainted seed', wearing the blood of her mom's infidelity, than go! Go now! If you can't treat her like an individual human being, please leave and never see her. Give up all responsibility and never ever look back. At that point, I don't care if you even send money because the money is just a little salve on your conscience (I didn't TOTALLY abandon her. She has...stuff) Better she should never see you than be mistreated psychologically by you.

The guilt is the price you pay for freedom. Make sure the price is worth what you get. (It won't be but I can't make that choice)

Quick story: There was this child living with her grandpa and her unemployed and unemployable mom. She met my kids and saw their two parent lifestyle and she wanted in. She constantly hung around and it was plain in her face that she desperately wanted to be in our family. She wanted a dad.

Unfortunately, my wife didn't like her at all because she had a lot of issues and was poor and low class. She wasn't my responsibility except on a moral front and since I wasn't home much, ,she was cut from our life.

I still feel sorry for that girl and I'm not related to her.

This is not a guilt trip but an education based on my experience. Even if you do leave, you can still rethink your decision. But it will be harder and less satisfying every year and the guilt will still be there for lost time.

So don't do anything drastic. Just think on it. Calm down. Avoid the wife as much as possible. Keep track of where you are at all times so if she says 'He beat me Thursday August 12th" you know you were at the batting cages at that time. Credit card reciepts are your friend here.

I'd say expose expose expose so that if she later comes up with these half assed allegations, her motive will be sorely suspect and the authorities will look askance at it. Be pure as a lamb regarding WW.

Sleep, don't drink too much. You don't need to make a choice NOW.


----------



## MattMatt

Loveandpizza said:


> I don't see how he could prevent child abuse with visitation and I do not see the relevance except as a scare tactic guilt trip.


Someone who thinks it perfectly acceptable behaviour to have unprotected sex, thus putting their child at risk of HIV/STDs can, it can be argued, to have already shown aberrant and abhorrent behaviour, so raising the potential for further post-birth child abuse is not a 'scare tactic guilt trip'


----------



## Shaggy

So many people are quick to jump to the defense of mothers rights ad how mothers get the special treatment by diviorce courts, yet where are they here when it's clear the mother is an unfit parent and the father is an honest loyal person. Instead of helping the father find a path here they jump on him hashky and nastily. This guy didn't cheat, the mother did. This guy didn't lie, the mother did.

He has no say here at all. The kid really would be better off with adoption. Those parents are screened and vetted, and would not include a skank like the current mom, yet ishe can veto the child's future and the attackers aren't jumping on her at all.

Again, how about some support for this poor guy who has been betrayed and lied to? He's said. If it his child he will pay support.


----------



## Ikaika

Shaggy said:


> So many people are quick to jump to the defense of mothers rights ad how mothers get the special treatment by diviorce courts, yet where are they here when it's clear the mother is an unfit parent and the father is an honest loyal person. Instead of helping the father find a path here they jump on him hashky and nastily. This guy didn't cheat, the mother did. This guy didn't lie, the mother did.
> 
> He has no say here at all. The kid really would be better off with adoption. Those parents are screened and vetted, and would not include a skank like the current mom, yet ishe can veto the child's future and the attackers aren't jumping on her at all.
> 
> Again, how about some support for this poor guy who has been betrayed and lied to? He's said. If it his child he will pay support.


Each state has their jurisdiction over these types of cases... to summarize in TN where they both live,

"_Each parent has the right to have custody of a child. If the parents cannot agree on the custody of a child, the court will award custody with the child's best interest in mind. The court will consider the following factors:_".... TN law has nine factors to weigh, and as I have seen before, it takes time to weigh out these factors and such the child ends up in foster "hell".

I am not a lawyer, but god I hope this does not come to this... I feel like I am one of those who just needs to close his eyes, I can't look any longer :'(


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Shaggy said:


> Again, how about some support for this poor guy who has been betrayed and lied to? He's said. If it his child he will pay support.


Shaggy, AID has our support with respect to what he's going through with his wife. I don't think anyone is on her side in this. 

What OP does NOT have is the support of many in his decision to throw the baby out with the cheating wife.

I hope that it's just emotions getting the better of his judgment on this and that he seriously does not intend to abandon his daughter. However, if he does follow through with this act, then he has no support from me -- and I suspect none from many on this forum.


Edit: I think I'll now recuse myself from this thread lest I find myself in time out.


----------



## lisab0105

For the record, cheating does NOT make someone an unfit parent! Cheating while pregnant does not make an unfit parent!

She is a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE spouse, but we don't know what kind of a mother she will be. Having unprotected sex does not set a good example, but the courts are not going to take her child away from for having unprotected sex. 

Everyone here is already assuming she is going to be abused, sold to his skank wife's friends...good lord.

I am with Count, as far as the cheating goes, it sucks and I feel horrible for him. I was the pregnant spouse at home while my man was screwing around. It f*cking sucks. BUT...Sorry no breaks from me when this guy is talking about ditching his kid. And I am sorry, throwing a check at his child and pretending it is nothing more than a bill you pay once a month is just as close to sh*tty as ignoring the kid all together.


----------



## Jonesey

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> If he's serious about abandoning his unborn daughter then I sure as hell won't give him any slack. That, to me is the epitome of selfishness.
> 
> Yes, AID is hurting now but he needs to hear arguments counter to what he's planning to do to his child.
> 
> My ex left me with two teenagers to go and live the single life. Don't you think there are days when I wished that I didn't have the responsibility of taking care of two moody teenagers? Sure. But I just close my eyes and enjoy the thought and then bring myself back to reality. I love my kids and would never abandon either one of them. No matter how much animosity I have for their mother.


He wont get any of it from me either.If he actually en up doing it..We dont know that now,do we?? So hold on, on the bashing for now at least..PERSPECTIVE AGAIN..

Given what has transpired.Far fetched do dout the paternity??


----------



## Loveandpizza

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Shaggy, AID has our support with respect to what he's going through with his wife. I don't think anyone is on her side in this.
> 
> What OP does NOT have is the support of many in his decision to throw the baby out with the cheating wife.
> 
> I hope that it's just emotions getting the better of his judgment on this and that he seriously does not intend to abandon his daughter. However, if he does follow through with this act, then he has no support from me -- and I suspect none from many on this forum.
> 
> 
> Edit: I think I'll now recuse myself from this thread lest I find myself in time out.


I do not support throwing the baby out with the cheating wife. I recommended that the OP keep any hard evidence he has of her being an unfit mother. WIthout this he will most likely not get custody. This is the courts throwing the baby to the unfit mother, not the OP. Some of these crazies use the child as a way to torture the ex and use the child to this end. Quite frankly being raised by a single mother I was brainwashed against my dad when I was young. When I was older I realized all of this and I still would of respected him if he wanted to avoid dealing with it all. I was impressionable and I was conditioned by punishment and screaming if I showed any sense of sympathy for my father.


----------



## Loveandpizza

lisab0105 said:


> For the record, cheating does NOT make someone an unfit parent! Cheating while pregnant does not make an unfit parent!
> 
> She is a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE spouse, but we don't know what kind of a mother she will be. Having unprotected sex does not set a good example, but the courts are not going to take her child away from for having unprotected sex.
> 
> Everyone here is already assuming she is going to be abused, sold to his skank wife's friends...good lord.
> 
> I am with Count, as far as the cheating goes, it sucks and I feel horrible for him. I was the pregnant spouse at home while my man was screwing around. It f*cking sucks. BUT...Sorry no breaks from me when this guy is talking about ditching his kid. And I am sorry, throwing a check at his child and pretending it is nothing more than a bill you pay once a month is just as close to sh*tty as ignoring the kid all together.


It shows bad judgement that can be a symptom of being a bad parent. Of course in the court's view it does not. If you supported that he should get custody and she pay him support I would respect your position more. It seems one sided that only the father has to man-up and indeed has to under the law. Also don't forget the woman has the say to absolve her responsibility if she so chooses. I do not disagree with this but I believe a man should get a choice too.


----------



## Ikaika

lisab0105 said:


> For the record, cheating does NOT make someone an unfit parent! Cheating while pregnant does not make an unfit parent!
> 
> She is a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE spouse, but we don't know what kind of a mother she will be. Having unprotected sex does not set a good example, but the courts are not going to take her child away from for having unprotected sex.
> 
> Everyone here is already assuming she is going to be abused, sold to his skank wife's friends...good lord.
> 
> I am with Count, as far as the cheating goes, it sucks and I feel horrible for him. I was the pregnant spouse at home while my man was screwing around. It f*cking sucks. BUT...Sorry no breaks from me when this guy is talking about ditching his kid. And I am sorry, throwing a check at his child and pretending it is nothing more than a bill you pay once a month is just as close to sh*tty as ignoring the kid all together.


True, but if you read TN law one could interpret her actions as possible endangerment of the child. I have seen where family courts unlike criminal courts being given greater levity in "intent clauses"... I don't live in TN, but I can only assume that cps will be present to give their assessment even if OP is not. 

I agree, her bad actions may not make her unfit to be a good mother, but courts have a way of seeing things differently. 

Why why why why :'( :'( :'(


----------



## Shaggy

For the record, I do believe choosing to cheat does put you in the bad person and parent category. It seems crazy to the people are so afraid of labeling someone as being bad despite their actions being heinous, selfish, and destructive. To me if your actions are bad, you are bad, if you want to be good then do good things.

Those people who had done bad things, but admit it and choose to do good as redeemable through Thur actions, but those doing bad and nit changing are frankly bad people

The idea that you can do heinous things, but still be considered good is very unfathomable..


----------



## Simon Phoenix

Good God. Of the many posts I've read here, this is probably the worst.

From my perspective, this marriage would be as done as the ribs I cooked last week. There is no way, NO EFFIN WAY, that I would even consider reconciling after going through that. 

As for the child, well, if the paternity test comes back negative, its adios, amigos for me. I would not care one iota for any crocodile tears she sheds or any guilt trips she attempts; she'd never see me again. But if the child is proven to be mine, I'd pay the child support as I'm legally obligated to do and fight for full custody (and make her pay the maximum amount if I get it). As for my involvement if she gets custody, well, I'm with Shaggy and Pizza on this one as I was also raised under similar circumstances. I'm just getting to the point of talking to my dad and I'm damn near 40. In cases look like this, the kid almost always bonds with the parent they spend the most time with. The few days a year the child would get with him would pale to the constant bombardment she'd get at home of him being portrayed as a jerk/creep/a-hole/deadbeat by her mom. His influence upon her likely be minimal compared to what mommy will instill in her head. I would still try while praying for the best but wouldn't be shocked at all if she grows up hating my guts like the ex did. 

In summary, I would not reconcile with the wife. I would petition for full custody and pay the freight if I don't get it. But I would also do this while moving on with my life. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Am I Dreaming?

I'm not willing to engage in a custody battle with my wife. I'm just not. I want to move on with my life. If it is confirmed to be my child I'll fulfill my legal commitment by paying child support. How active of a role will I have? Probably not very active. If somehow we are able to work together in a sane way than maybe a small role. But I'm not going to coparent with my STBXW and I'm probably not going to be a "Dad" to this child. 

It is kind of shameful. I'm not disputing that. At the end of the day I have to make a decision. Am I willing to deal with this wretched cheating and deal with the woman that is my wife for the rest of my life? I don't want anything to do with her. I am leaning strongly towards the just pay support option. Its not a perfect choice and there is some collateral damage but I think its the best choice for me. 

I can move on with my life. I don't have to schedule around a child. I'm financially more free. I don't have to deal with my Ex. I'm a good, faithful, well-educated person. I am confident I can find someone who isn't a total ****. And at that point (whenever it may be) I can be a father. Right now, its not in the cards. 

I think I would unfairly resent the **** out of that little girl. I don't have a healthy enough mindset about all of this to step in and be a parent. This isn't a perfect situation by any stretch. All the choices are poor ones. I think this is the least poor choice for me. 

Someone asked if I had confronted my wife about the nude pics. No. Beyond the point of caring. It doesn't change anything and I don't want to hear her rationalization. At some point you stop giving a ****. How much worse can it get? 

Also for the record we live in Georgia, not Tennessee. So it might be a little different. 

I've been really calm with her and almost icy. That stopped today. I dropped by to pick up some things and we had to talk. I was a total ******* to her. It was ugly. I didn't touch her but I definitely said some really hurtful things and twisted the knife a lot. It felt good in the moment but I'm having some regrets now. I should know better than lose my composure. I think if I get angry I'm going to try to rant on here or anywhere other than to her. I'm just descending to her level.


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## Simon Phoenix

I understand your decision and support it. I also live in GA and I can tell you from experience that the family courts here have zero love for guys. A woman can damn near make a video having a threesome with a vial of crack on the nightstand and still retain custody after she gets the waterworks going on the witness stand...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07

Am I Dreaming? said:


> I'm not willing to engage in a custody battle with my wife. I'm just not. I want to move on with my life. If it is confirmed to be my child I'll fulfill my legal commitment by paying child support. How active of a role will I have? Probably not very active. If somehow we are able to work together in a sane way than maybe a small role. But I'm not going to coparent with my STBXW and I'm probably not going to be a "Dad" to this child.
> 
> It is kind of shameful. I'm not disputing that. At the end of the day I have to make a decision. Am I willing to deal with this wretched cheating and deal with the woman that is my wife for the rest of my life? I don't want anything to do with her. I am leaning strongly towards the just pay support option. Its not a perfect choice and there is some collateral damage but I think its the best choice for me.
> 
> I can move on with my life. I don't have to schedule around a child. I'm financially more free. I don't have to deal with my Ex. I'm a good, faithful, well-educated person. I am confident I can find someone who isn't a total ****. And at that point (whenever it may be) I can be a father. Right now, its not in the cards.
> 
> I think I would unfairly resent the **** out of that little girl. I don't have a healthy enough mindset about all of this to step in and be a parent. This isn't a perfect situation by any stretch. All the choices are poor ones. I think this is the least poor choice for me.
> 
> Someone asked if I had confronted my wife about the nude pics. No. Beyond the point of caring. It doesn't change anything and I don't want to hear her rationalization. At some point you stop giving a ****. How much worse can it get?
> 
> Also for the record we live in Georgia, not Tennessee. So it might be a little different.
> 
> I've been really calm with her and almost icy. That stopped today. I dropped by to pick up some things and we had to talk. I was a total ******* to her. It was ugly. I didn't touch her but I definitely said some really hurtful things and twisted the knife a lot. It felt good in the moment but I'm having some regrets now. I should know better than lose my composure. I think if I get angry I'm going to try to rant on here or anywhere other than to her. I'm just descending to her level.




Make the decision on how much involvement you want with your kids life when you are not seething with so much rage against your wife. Agreed, what she did was something utterly disgusting but please don't let the hate for your affect blind you from something so obvious. Right now, thing don't look good at all but they will get better. Take counsel of your friends and family before you make the decision and ask for their honest inputs. At least postpone this decision(not to be involved with the kid) until a year or two.


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## lisab0105

Am I Dreaming? said:


> I'm not willing to engage in a custody battle with my wife. I'm just not. I want to move on with my life. If it is confirmed to be my child I'll fulfill my legal commitment by paying child support. How active of a role will I have? Probably not very active. If somehow we are able to work together in a sane way than maybe a small role. But I'm not going to coparent with my STBXW and I'm probably not going to be a "Dad" to this child.
> 
> It is kind of shameful. I'm not disputing that. At the end of the day I have to make a decision. Am I willing to deal with this wretched cheating and deal with the woman that is my wife for the rest of my life? I don't want anything to do with her. I am leaning strongly towards the just pay support option. Its not a perfect choice and there is some collateral damage but I think its the best choice for me.
> 
> I can move on with my life. I don't have to schedule around a child. I'm financially more free. I don't have to deal with my Ex. I'm a good, faithful, well-educated person. I am confident I can find someone who isn't a total ****. And at that point (whenever it may be) I can be a father. Right now, its not in the cards.
> 
> I think I would unfairly resent the **** out of that little girl. I don't have a healthy enough mindset about all of this to step in and be a parent. This isn't a perfect situation by any stretch. All the choices are poor ones. I think this is the least poor choice for me.
> 
> Someone asked if I had confronted my wife about the nude pics. No. Beyond the point of caring. It doesn't change anything and I don't want to hear her rationalization. At some point you stop giving a ****. How much worse can it get?
> 
> Also for the record we live in Georgia, not Tennessee. So it might be a little different.
> 
> I've been really calm with her and almost icy. That stopped today. I dropped by to pick up some things and we had to talk. I was a total ******* to her. It was ugly. I didn't touch her but I definitely said some really hurtful things and twisted the knife a lot. It felt good in the moment but I'm having some regrets now. I should know better than lose my composure. I think if I get angry I'm going to try to rant on here or anywhere other than to her. I'm just descending to her level.


"Mommy, how come he wanted those kids and not me?" That is the question your daughter is going to ask someday after you have your ideal family situation. But hey, all that matters is your happiness. Yup, time to remove myself from this thread, because I really want to say something that will get my booty banned permanately. 

You lost my sympathy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ikaika

I made the mistake of TN rather than GA... Actually custody laws are almost appear identical... GA appears to have a "parental fitness" clause. But, if no one contest it... Yes, danger "intent clause" not as tough. Just hope mom will do well. 

I will pass no judgement... I will always hope the best for this child.


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## Ikaika

lisab0105 said:


> Mommy, how come he wanted those kids and not me?" That is the question your daughter is going to ask someday after you have your ideal family situation. But hey, all that matters is your happiness. Yup, time to remove myself from this thread...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm with you... I will cry into my next drink, green tea :'((


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## JCD

It is A choice. And luckily, it's one that can be changed quite easily in the next year or so. I would get some counseling on how to handle your (justifiable) anger. I will NEVER tell you you are unjustified in being angry. I will tell you you might be mistargeting it.

Lance the wound and let the pus drain out. Talk to your family and friends. Get verification. Have honest talks with her family (certainly not her) eventually. It might very well be that EVERYONE will bend over backwards to get you involved in a way that doesn't involve Sl*tzilla in any way, shape, or form.

But you don't know that until you ask.

It's too early. Heal. Everyone on every side of the family is in shock. Her parents thought they had a secured future with their baby married and giving them the first of MANY grandchildren so they are shocked and hurt too.

Get some counseling. Take some time.


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## Complexity

I agree with Warlock. 

AMI, you're angry and just seeing tunnel vision. When you calm down and think more clearly, you'll look back at this and cringe. There's still 2 months (and more) for you to decide which way you'll move forward with your life. Without sounding like a broken record, what your wife did was reprehensible and immoral. However, you're taking your escapism way too far. Don't condemn this girl to years of neglect and abandonment issues that will only manifest itself into something more severe. I don't think you fully comprehend how detrimental "daddy issues" are to a girl's emotional well being. You got dealt a bad card in life. But you simply can't toss over the table and run out, especially when there's an innocent person at stake. 

I'm sure you'll see sense in the end. You're a better person than this.


----------



## Kasler

lisab0105 said:


> "Mommy, how come he wanted those kids and not me?" That is the question your daughter is going to ask someday after you have your ideal family situation. But hey, all that matters is your happiness. Yup, time to remove myself from this thread, because I really want to say something that will get my booty banned permanately.
> 
> You lost my sympathy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not everyone is perfect.

His choice is nowhere near 'good' but none of the choices he has at this point are.

You also have to turn it around. Would it be better for her to have a father who inwardly blames and resents his child for destroying any futures he may have and condemning him to a life of listlessness? 

Mothers do this to their children ALL THE TIME and it really screws them up. 

Theres no definites at this point, but it is what it is.


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## aug

In case you have not done this, allow me to remind you to get your cheating wife to the doctor to have her and the fetus checked for STDs, hepatitis, etc. Make sure this is done immediately to protect the fetus.

I know you're angry now. But your humanity for the unborn child better overcome the anger so that the child is born healthy. Do this so that you'll never regret this.


(While there, ask about having a paternity test done in vitro.)


----------



## Humble Pie

Am I Dreaming? said:


> Just an update for everyone.
> 
> I spoke to an attorney yesterday. I asked him what is my shot at full custody and he told me to be honest with me, next to none. There was no way a court would take a newborn away from the mother, especially considering she doesn't have a criminal record or violent history. So now my decision is having to decide how much time and what type of role I want in this child's life (the caveat being of course if she is mine).
> 
> The guy I talked to is a real professional and came highly recommended. I am going to go ahead and pay the retainer and we will file early next week hopefully.
> 
> I'm continuing the process of telling family and friends. I haven't got to telling her family yet. I feel like they will side with her but I think I still need to at least let them know, I'm not the bad guy in this situation. This is so embarrassing and humiliating. I'm getting a lot of sympathy but I just feel pathetic. What does it say about me that my wife had so little respect for me that she would cheat on me when she is the most vulnerable?
> 
> I'm spending the next few days just going through all the options with our daughter. Right now I am heavily leaning towards considering her a lost cause. I'll never be able to be the father I want to be and she deserves. I'll be competing with every scumbag my STBXW dates. I'll have to deal with my **** STBXW for the rest of my life. Its just not worth it.
> 
> If I cut the cord I can move back home. Move on with my life. Hopefully in time meet someone new and have the actual family I want. I'm a finance guy. The child support is a sunk cost. I'm out for it. I don't need to destroy myself emotionally by being a part-time parent with her. I never wanted this. I wanted to be the Daddy that loves his daughter and does everything for her. I don't think I can raise a child with my STBXW.
> 
> Its really been gnawing at me. I'm completely torn. It seems like the best choice is to not be involved but I feel wracked with guilt over the life my little girl is going to have. Its just not fair.


It sure isn't fair.

And the one it will be affected the most in this situation is the child. That is the worst and most unfair part of this, the child.

Now I know you are hurt (I havent been in your shoes so I am sorry I sound like I can relate) but you must realize what your wife has done is a totally selfish act which caused you great pain, and your short lived marriage to fail, but life goes on with her now that this child is in the picture.

That is the just the way life is, there is no escaping this fact. Moving won't allow you to forget, and cutting all ties won't stop you from feeling the empiness inside. 

Take a step back for a moment. 

One selfish act by your wife, you will react. Now you are thinking of acting in that same selfish manner and removing yourself from a child life for what your wife has done. You child did not do this to you, your wife did, and now because of her you are not going to have a relationship with your daughter? Please take some time to think about that.


----------



## Humble Pie

Complexity said:


> AID, I completely side with you on the wife side but with your daughter? I don't think she should pay for her mum's sins. She's totally innocent in all of this and doesn't deserve to lose her dad over it. I completely sympathise with your dilemma, especially if your wife brings other men into the picture. However your daughter needs to know that her dad still fought for her despite the circumstances.


100%


----------



## MOMMY2ONE

Am I Dreaming? said:


> Just an update for everyone.
> 
> I spoke to an attorney yesterday. I asked him what is my shot at full custody and he told me to be honest with me, next to none. There was no way a court would take a newborn away from the mother, especially considering she doesn't have a criminal record or violent hpistory. So now my decision is having to decide how much time and what type of role I want in this child's life (the caveat being of course if she is mine).
> 
> The guy I talked to is a real professional and came highly recommended. I am going to go ahead and pay the retainer and we will file early next week hopefully.
> 
> I'm continuing the process of telling family and friends. I haven't got to telling her family yet. I feel like they will side with her but I think I still need to at least let them know, I'm not the bad guy in this situation. This is so embarrassing and humiliating. I'm getting a lot of sympathy but I just feel pathetic. What does it say about me that my wife had so little respect for me that she would cheat on me when she is the most vulnerable?
> 
> I'm spending the next few days just going through all the options with our daughter. Right now I am heavily leaning towards considering her a lost cause. I'll never be able to be the father I want to be and she deserves. I'll be competing with every scumbag my STBXW dates. I'll have to deal with my **** STBXW for the rest of my life. Its just not worth it.
> 
> If I cut the cord I can move back home. Move on with my life. Hopefully in time meet someone new and have the actual family I want. I'm a finance guy. The child support is a sunk cost. I'm out for it. I don't need to destroy myself emotionally by being a part-time parent with her. I never wanted this. I wanted to be the Daddy that loves his daughter and does everything for her. I don't think I can raise a child with my STBXW.
> 
> Its really been gnawing at me. I'm completely torn. It seems like the best choice is to not be involved but I feel wracked with guilt over the life my little girl is going to have. Its just not fair.


Wow i just read ur post , sorry for all the hurt ur goin thru right now . Think about ur actions it will hurt u more if u leave and not know anything about the baby she ( the baby ) didn't choose her parents so don't give up on that baby try to think of her right now she's gonna need a dad someone who can teach right from wrong . The moment u look into her eyes (the baby) you will fall inlove with her and wanting to protect her , don't allow her mother's actions deprive u of the love and bond between a father and his daughter . You as the dad have rights too , ur doing the right thing as gettin a divorce and dna but don't leave the baby not knowing who her dad is it's not fair to her ..Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Humble Pie

Am I Dreaming? said:


> I'm not willing to engage in a custody battle with my wife. I'm just not. I want to move on with my life. If it is confirmed to be my child I'll fulfill my legal commitment by paying child support. How active of a role will I have? Probably not very active. If somehow we are able to work together in a sane way than maybe a small role. But I'm not going to coparent with my STBXW and I'm probably not going to be a "Dad" to this child.
> 
> It is kind of shameful. I'm not disputing that. At the end of the day I have to make a decision. Am I willing to deal with this wretched cheating and deal with the woman that is my wife for the rest of my life? I don't want anything to do with her. I am leaning strongly towards the just pay support option. Its not a perfect choice and there is some collateral damage but I think its the best choice for me.
> 
> I can move on with my life. I don't have to schedule around a child. I'm financially more free. I don't have to deal with my Ex. I'm a good, faithful, well-educated person. I am confident I can find someone who isn't a total ****. And at that point (whenever it may be) I can be a father. Right now, its not in the cards.
> 
> I think I would unfairly resent the **** out of that little girl. I don't have a healthy enough mindset about all of this to step in and be a parent. This isn't a perfect situation by any stretch. All the choices are poor ones. I think this is the least poor choice for me.
> 
> Someone asked if I had confronted my wife about the nude pics. No. Beyond the point of caring. It doesn't change anything and I don't want to hear her rationalization. At some point you stop giving a ****. How much worse can it get?
> 
> Also for the record we live in Georgia, not Tennessee. So it might be a little different.
> 
> I've been really calm with her and almost icy. That stopped today. I dropped by to pick up some things and we had to talk. I was a total ******* to her. It was ugly. I didn't touch her but I definitely said some really hurtful things and twisted the knife a lot. It felt good in the moment but I'm having some regrets now. I should know better than lose my composure. I think if I get angry I'm going to try to rant on here or anywhere other than to her. I'm just descending to her level.


Look at it in a different perspective. I know this might not be possible since this situation is so fresh but take a different look at it...

The marriage between you and your wife is over. There is no denying, or trying to patch things up romantically/relationship wise. Accept that as you have and make your wife accept that. When she talks, or mind **** you again, just try and sit down and tell her how betrayed you feel and at this point you need to seperate from her for your best interest. You want to come off easy to her for a couple reasons: 1) she is pregnant and emotional instability is harmful to the child 2) you want to move on from this type of "please take me back" and onto the more serious matter, the child. 

When you present all the evidence you have, I can't imagine she will keep claiming "it was temporary" and "i won't do it again" BS to you.

Direct all you communication with your wife (after you have calmly discussed the seperation reality to her) about the child. You want to get on a mutual, non-destructive dialogue with her. Every decision that is made, is made for the best interest of the child.

Even if you f*** hate her guts, and want to physically harm her for what she has done, you must become cordial with her. 

Look you married your wife for a good reason, its not your fault what she did, and what she did was horrible, but you have to FORGIVE her and let that grude go. You continue to talk about her with such dispise, and you have totally every right, but just let go and FORGIVE. The faster you forgive her, the faster you can move on with your life and start making logical decisions.

And forgiveness is not for her, it is for you! Forgiveness doesnt mean taking her back, it means accepting the person she is (might be mentally unstable and needing professional help) and being able to help her with her issues, removing the attention from you and how bad you hurt, to "jesus this person is sick, she is the mother of my child, how can I help her?". 

Its a tough pill to swallow my friend, but one that takes a lot of courage to remove your own feelings of betrayal and focus on more unselfish aspect of your life: the woman you married and your daughter.


----------



## Loveandpizza

lisab0105 said:


> "Mommy, how come he wanted those kids and not me?" That is the question your daughter is going to ask someday after you have your ideal family situation. But hey, all that matters is your happiness. Yup, time to remove myself from this thread, because I really want to say something that will get my booty banned permanately.
> 
> You lost my sympathy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well he doesn't need your sympathy, he needs to do what he feels is right. "Mommy, how come he wanted those kids and not me?" Honestly dear because I cheated on him while you were inside of me. 

He is going to lose any information war to get the truth to his daughter if he doesn't have custody anyhow. Some of us grow through hardship. Life is not fair. You cannot make decisions based on your cheating wife or she will be controlling you still. Do not let the child be a pawn for her to control you.


----------



## JCD

Loveandpizza said:


> Well he doesn't need your sympathy, he needs to do what he feels is right.


You know what 'feels right' to me? That bar girl blowing into my ear and groping me under the table in a Third World bar.

Now, the wife may have different feelings on the matter and I bet if was sober and alone, I'd make a different decision than when I'm 'under the gun'.

Right now he has no idea what 'feels right'. We know what feels convienient...just like that bar girl.

So he shouldn't make a call right now. It's too early. I think he CAN rationally make that particular choice to leave. But right now, he's not rational and he doesn't have all the facts.

He just has all the anger.


----------



## JCD

delhiprincess said:


> You dont deserve to be a father....



I have to admit, I'm all over the place on this issue because it's a pretty bad pickle.

Let's say that the baby in womb is NOT his. Does she suddenly NOT deserve to have a father? Of course she deserves one. But she's not likely to get one, is she?

Whether he stays or goes, I feel bad for the kid more than the parents (and yes, I do feel bad for you dude).

I particularly feel bad if he ISN'T the father, because her life will suck big time.


----------



## BeenThere27male

Am I Dreaming? said:


> I'm not willing to engage in a custody battle with my wife. I'm just not. I want to move on with my life. If it is confirmed to be my child I'll fulfill my legal commitment by paying child support. How active of a role will I have? Probably not very active. If somehow we are able to work together in a sane way than maybe a small role. But I'm not going to coparent with my STBXW and I'm probably not going to be a "Dad" to this child.
> 
> It is kind of shameful. I'm not disputing that. At the end of the day I have to make a decision. Am I willing to deal with this wretched cheating and deal with the woman that is my wife for the rest of my life? I don't want anything to do with her. I am leaning strongly towards the just pay support option. Its not a perfect choice and there is some collateral damage but I think its the best choice for me.
> 
> I can move on with my life. I don't have to schedule around a child. I'm financially more free. I don't have to deal with my Ex. I'm a good, faithful, well-educated person. I am confident I can find someone who isn't a total ****. And at that point (whenever it may be) I can be a father. Right now, its not in the cards.
> 
> I think I would unfairly resent the **** out of that little girl. I don't have a healthy enough mindset about all of this to step in and be a parent. This isn't a perfect situation by any stretch. All the choices are poor ones. I think this is the least poor choice for me.
> 
> Someone asked if I had confronted my wife about the nude pics. No. Beyond the point of caring. It doesn't change anything and I don't want to hear her rationalization. At some point you stop giving a ****. How much worse can it get?
> 
> Also for the record we live in Georgia, not Tennessee. So it might be a little different.
> 
> I've been really calm with her and almost icy. That stopped today. I dropped by to pick up some things and we had to talk. I was a total ******* to her. It was ugly. I didn't touch her but I definitely said some really hurtful things and twisted the knife a lot. It felt good in the moment but I'm having some regrets now. I should know better than lose my composure. I think if I get angry I'm going to try to rant on here or anywhere other than to her. I'm just descending to her level.



*"I dug more into the emails/internet history/hardrive and I'm finding more ****. She has been exchanging nude images with other men for the ENTIRE length of our marriage. She has mocked me in emails to other men. There are guys who have asked her, "What about your husband?" and she just tells them he doesn't matter. He never pays attention to me. NOT TRUE. I adored this woman and doted on her."*

Am I Dreaming: You need to confront her with this.....the entire length of your marriage.....that you know about it....she is excusing now that it only happened once when she cry's and lies to you. She needs to know that you know the whole deal...that she has mocked you to other men...it will stop her B.S.

Everyone seems so focused on the unborn now.....he is not in a mind frame where he can make any real decision about that......unless he can get sole custody by showing that she is unfit to be a parent......The other new evidence about her other contacts with men may help with that.....if it can be used. He seems to have decided against custody battle.....I understand his frame of mind.....and it will take time for that to clear his head so he can think.


----------



## Loveandpizza

JCD said:


> You know what 'feels right' to me? That bar girl blowing into my ear and groping me under the table in a Third World bar.
> 
> Now, the wife may have different feelings on the matter and I bet if was sober and alone, I'd make a different decision than when I'm 'under the gun'.
> 
> Right now he has no idea what 'feels right'. We know what feels convienient...just like that bar girl.
> 
> So he shouldn't make a call right now. It's too early. I think he CAN rationally make that particular choice to leave. But right now, he's not rational and he doesn't have all the facts.
> 
> He just has all the anger.


I agree. My point is that he should choose not based on being guilt into something. If he is the biological father the courts will already order him to support his ex with payments.


----------



## aug

JCD said:


> I have to admit, I'm all over the place on this issue because it's a pretty bad pickle.
> 
> *Let's say that the baby in womb is NOT his. Does she suddenly NOT deserve to have a father? Of course she deserves one. But she's not likely to get one, is she?*
> 
> Whether he stays or goes, I feel bad for the kid more than the parents (and yes, I do feel bad for you dude).
> 
> I particularly feel bad if he ISN'T the father, because her life will suck big time.



It would then be the responsibility of the mother to bring the biological father into the girl's picture.


But what OP should do now is make sure the fetus is thoroughly checked for any communicable diseases given the unknown health history of the OM. For now, it's his moral obligation to protect the fetus.


----------



## Humble Pie

We have a unfaithful wife and a childish, sulking father, this kid will be a reck. The father knows how unstable his wife is and cares less about the well being of the child under her supervision. No, he is ready to run back home so he can be safe at peace...


----------



## Loveandpizza

Humble Pie said:


> We have a unfaithful wife and a childish, sulking father, this kid will be a reck. The father knows how unstable his wife is and cares less about the well being of the child under her supervision. No, he is ready to run back home so he can be safe at peace...


It is easy to be a back seat driver and judge everyone. I hope these same righteous people are also fighting for things to change in family courts so a cheating spouse has less of a chance at getting custody. This is better than guilt tripping someone who is a victim of his wife and will most likely be of family court as well.


----------



## Thewife

Its not easy being in your shoes and its possible to feel like having no ties with the child. Its all fresh now and looks scary to have any contact with you STBXW but did you think about how this can come back to haunt you years later? Will you be able to live happily with your future kids without wondering how this little girl is doing? Guilt will eat you. 

My father abandoned me when I was an infant and all my life I grew up wondering how will it be like to have a father slowly it turned out to be deep hatred for him, one day when I was 18 he came to see me and guess what I said the most hurtful things to him and refused to see him. He cried and apologized but I did not accept it. What I am trying to show here is your daughter's perspective. 

Your daughter will need her mom now until she is 2 years, why don't you take this time to heal and forgive your wife (for your own sanity's sake) forgive doesn't mean to have anything to do with her just to show her what a man she betrayed? Can you have a small part in her life with some kinda arrangement where you don't have to come in contact with your stbxw?


----------



## Humble Pie

Thewife said:


> Its not easy being in your shoes and its possible to feel like having no ties with the child. Its all fresh now and looks scary to have any contact with you STBXW but did you think about how this can come back to haunt you years later? Will you be able to live happily with your future kids without wondering how this little girl is doing? Guilt will eat you.
> 
> My father abandoned me when I was an infant and all my life I grew up wondering how will it be like to have a father slowly it turned out to be deep hatred for him, one day when I was 18 he came to see me and guess what I said the most hurtful things to him and refused to see him. He cried and apologized but I did not accept it. What I am trying to show here is your daughter's perspective.
> 
> Your daughter will need her mom now until she is 2 years, why don't you take this time to heal and forgive your wife (for your own sanity's sake) forgive doesn't mean to have anything to do with her just to show her what a man she betrayed? Can you have a small part in her life with some kinda arrangement where you don't have to come in contact with your stbxw?


thank you for sharing your story


----------



## Humble Pie

Humble Pie said:


> Look at it in a different perspective. I know this might not be possible since this situation is so fresh but take a different look at it...
> 
> The marriage between you and your wife is over. There is no denying, or trying to patch things up romantically/relationship wise. Accept that as you have and make your wife accept that. When she talks, or mind **** you again, just try and sit down and tell her how betrayed you feel and at this point you need to seperate from her for your best interest. You want to come off easy to her for a couple reasons: 1) she is pregnant and emotional instability is harmful to the child 2) you want to move on from this type of "please take me back" and onto the more serious matter, the child.
> 
> When you present all the evidence you have, I can't imagine she will keep claiming "it was temporary" and "i won't do it again" BS to you.
> 
> Direct all you communication with your wife (after you have calmly discussed the seperation reality to her) about the child. You want to get on a mutual, non-destructive dialogue with her. Every decision that is made, is made for the best interest of the child.
> 
> Even if you f*** hate her guts, and want to physically harm her for what she has done, you must become cordial with her.
> 
> Look you married your wife for a good reason, its not your fault what she did, and what she did was horrible, but you have to FORGIVE her and let that grude go. You continue to talk about her with such dispise, and you have totally every right, but just let go and FORGIVE. The faster you forgive her, the faster you can move on with your life and start making logical decisions.
> 
> And forgiveness is not for her, it is for you! Forgiveness doesnt mean taking her back, it means accepting the person she is (might be mentally unstable and needing professional help) and being able to help her with her issues, removing the attention from you and how bad you hurt, to "jesus this person is sick, she is the mother of my child, how can I help her?".
> 
> Its a tough pill to swallow my friend, but one that takes a lot of courage to remove your own feelings of betrayal and focus on more unselfish aspect of your life: the woman you married and your daughter.


----------



## JCD

Humble Pie said:


> We have a unfaithful wife and a childish, sulking father, this kid will be a reck. The father knows how unstable his wife is and cares less about the well being of the child under her supervision. No, he is ready to run back home so he can be safe at peace...


I am sympathetic to this point of view. In a perfect world, with a perfect man, he'd try to take the daughter away from the wife no matter her genetic heritage and raise her right.

In a perfect world, he'd know just the things to heal his own mental wounds and what exactly to say to fix the ex so that they could reconcile and make a go of it, with her regreting till her dying day what she did and deliriously happy that they could be together raising their daughter together in happiness and dignity.

But this isn't a perfect world and however good he is, he isn't a perfect man. Sometimes people get broken or have to do things that are beyond their strength. Should I beat up on my daughters because they can't lift 50 pound bags of topsoil? No.

I recall a scene from 'Mad Men' that AME series where the child Don Draper told a hobo that he was 'that wh**e child' at the age of 8 or so.

I'd rather this guy leave then subject a daughter to that kind of mental attitude. But I'd also rather he stay and take care of her.

He has no judgement about his strength and I have no idea about his character. LEAVE HIM ALONE WITH THE GUILT TRIPS!


----------



## Loveandpizza

Thewife said:


> Its not easy being in your shoes and its possible to feel like having no ties with the child. Its all fresh now and looks scary to have any contact with you STBXW but did you think about how this can come back to haunt you years later? Will you be able to live happily with your future kids without wondering how this little girl is doing? Guilt will eat you.
> 
> My father abandoned me when I was an infant and all my life I grew up wondering how will it be like to have a father slowly it turned out to be deep hatred for him, one day when I was 18 he came to see me and guess what I said the most hurtful things to him and refused to see him. He cried and apologized but I did not accept it. What I am trying to show here is your daughter's perspective.
> 
> I don't know if the circumstances were the same with your father as the OP or not. If so it seems more of a personal problem on your side. He has had to pay child support for 18 years. Now do you know all the circumstances of why he left?
> 
> Your daughter will need her mom now until she is 2 years, why don't you take this time to heal and forgive your wife (for your own sanity's sake) forgive doesn't mean to have anything to do with her just to show her what a man she betrayed? Can you have a small part in her life with some kinda arrangement where you don't have to come in contact with your stbxw?


----------



## Humble Pie

JCD said:


> I am sympathetic to this point of view. In a perfect world, with a perfect man, he'd try to take the daughter away from the wife no matter her genetic heritage and raise her right.
> 
> In a perfect world, he'd know just the things to heal his own mental wounds and what exactly to say to fix the ex so that they could reconcile and make a go of it, with her regreting till her dying day what she did and deliriously happy that they could be together raising their daughter together in happiness and dignity.
> 
> But this isn't a perfect world and however good he is, he isn't a perfect man. Sometimes people get broken or have to do things that are beyond their strength. Should I beat up on my daughters because they can't lift 50 pound bags of topsoil? No.
> 
> I recall a scene from 'Mad Men' that AME series where the child Don Draper told a hobo that he was 'that ***** child'
> 
> I'd rather this guy leave then subject a daughter to that kind of mental attitude. But I'd also rather he stay and take care of her.
> 
> He has no judgement about his strength and I have no idea about his character. LEAVE HIM ALONE WITH THE GUILT TRIPS!


you are going to referrence a TV show?? Hell why dont we make a referrence to desperate houswives while we are at it!!

so many people grow up with not knowing their father, part of it because it has become so common in america it is in a way a normality.


----------



## Loveandpizza

Humble Pie said:


> you are going to referrence a TV show?? Hell why dont we make a referrence to desperate houswives while we are at it!!
> 
> so many people grow up with not knowing their father, part of it because it has become so common in america it is in a way a normality.


And it is not always the father's fault....


----------



## MattMatt

aug said:


> In case you have not done this, allow me to remind you to get your cheating wife to the doctor to have her and the fetus checked for STDs, hepatitis, etc. Make sure this is done immediately to protect the fetus.
> 
> I know you're angry now. But your humanity for the unborn child better overcome the anger so that the child is born healthy. Do this so that you'll never regret this.
> 
> 
> (While there, ask about having a paternity test done in vitro.)


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## ladybird

Wow!!!

I highly doubt that it is the first time she did this. That is just way to ballsy for it to be the first time.

I would get checked for STD's and also get a paternity test when the baby is born.

She also put the child at risk! Hopefully she was smart enough to use a condom during her **** fest.

Makes me really wonder, you said that this affair started right around the time she got pregnant. (6 months?)


----------



## Chaparral

Inform her family before its to late stop her blaming you. AND SHOW THEM THE PROOF


----------



## Thewife

"I don't know if the circumstances were the same with your father as the OP or not. If so it seems more of a personal problem on your side. He has had to pay child support for 18 years. Now do you know all the circumstances of why he left?"

You are right the circumstances were different though, he did not even pay child support and he was the WH. I am just trying to say that the child doesn't have to lose a good father like you just because the mother had f****ed her life.


----------



## Socke

I'm so sorry that you are going through this nightmare, AID, but I wanted to add one more thought for consideration in regard to your daughter, as I sincerely hope you reconsider your decision to support her only through child support. As you move on with your life, you may find it difficult to find a "good, honest, decent, respectable woman" who is willing to marry and start a family with a man who abandon his daughter - regardless of the circumstances. Please just keep this in mind. Future worthy partners will highly respect your choice to do the right thing, even in the face of evil. Whatever you decide, I wish you well.


----------



## sandc

Some things just can't be fixed.


----------



## MattMatt

sandc said:


> Some things just can't be fixed.


But there needs to be an exit with dignity and honour, I think?


----------



## ladybird

You can do a paternity test while she is still pregnant, Amniocentesis, however it is very risky. I am not sure if they would do the test just to determine who the father is, because it is very risky for the unborn baby, that is why they don't do them unless they have to!


----------



## JCD

Humble Pie said:


> you are going to referrence a TV show?? Hell why dont we make a referrence to desperate houswives while we are at it!!
> 
> so many people grow up with not knowing their father, part of it because it has become so common in america it is in a way a normality.


Please excuse me for trying to make an analogy using pop culture. If he can't get over this and constantly blames the child, then he has no business being with that child.

The term 'wh**e child' was shorthand. Please excuse me from offending your sensibilities. Lord knows from my brief browsing here that NOTHING that happens on television (adultery, weird sexual fetishes, loveless marriages, emotional affairs, fiscal hardship) actually happens in real life and it's all puffy make believe.


----------



## Jonesey

I personally still believe, once the child is born.And it turns out to be OP´s..As soon as he hold her.He will think differently.
About bolting.And not do the right thing.

I think this thread has run its course.Every one seem´s to only project there own personal believes ,with our any perspective.
Much of what i used to do..Always said.Girlfriend/Wife cheats
Gets kicked to the curb.No questions asked..Did i do it? NO it dident happened. Turns out i wasent so MACHO after all. And yet i taught 
when other man got cheated on was a bunch of wimps,pu...y´s and so on.
So what was i,when it happened to me.So why did i not call my self the same things and keept my beliefs then? well of course  my situation was of different then other men.*sigh*.How about that..

What i never and completely missed,was PERSPECTIVE of different situation´how will you react and do when it happens to you..
Never tought about that..Humbling experience i tell you that much


----------



## EI

Jonesey said:


> I personally still believe, once the child is born.And it turns out to be OP´s..As soon as he hold her.He will think differently.
> About bolting.And not do the right thing.
> 
> I think this thread has run its course.Every one seem´s to only project there own personal believes ,with our any perspective.
> Much of what i used to do..Always said.Girlfriend/Wife cheats
> Gets kicked to the curb.No questions asked..Did i do it? NO it dident happened. Turns out i wasent so MACHO after all. And yet i taught
> when other man got cheated on was a bunch of wimps,pu...y´s and so on.
> So what was i,when it happened to me.So why did i not call my self the same things and keept my beliefs then? well of course my situation was of different then other men.*sigh*.How about that..
> 
> What i never and completely missed,was PERSPECTIVE of different situation´how will you react and do when it happens to you..
> Never tought about that..Humbling experience i tell you that much


You know, when I first began posting in the middle of June, you made a comment on my original thread that truly hurt my feelings. Since that time I have not been able to read any of your posts without feeling a negative connotation attached to them. After reading this post I may have to rethink that. 

To the OP: Sorry about the thread jack....


----------



## sandc

MattMatt said:


> But there needs to be an exit with dignity and honour, I think?


And with care for his child, if in fact she turns out to be his child.

How do we know she's a she?


----------



## MattMatt

sandc said:


> And with care for his child, if in fact she turns out to be his child.
> 
> How do we know she's a she?


AID refers to the child as a she, so it seems that they have established the sex of the child.


----------



## alphaomega

Oh....my.....god!

Ok, first off.....

This is not HER spawn. You both decided to make a baby, so it's BOTH YOUR SPAWN!

I understand how angry you are. But this has nothing to do with your child. To abandon your daughter like that is just sinister. 

This is obviously your first child, and since you have yet to experience it, you really dont understand the implications of what you plan on doing.

You say you will have no impact on the child's life....so you should just leave. That is not the attitude to have. It doesn't work that way.

You will have a tremendous impact on her life! You are her father! Even if custody is not 100%, you are missing the point in that your daughter will still look up to you with the highest regard....if you just be with her. Teach her. And most importantly....LOVE HER! She has nothing to do with the evils your wife did to you. You can't just toss her to the curb and "get on with your life"!

Your daughter needs a father. Even if you are not there 100% of the time. Some one for guidance and encouragement. Someone to teach her what a true man is. Someone that will guarantee her that there is always at least someone there that will take a bullet for her if needs be. This is the type of security every child needs in thier life, regardless if you are married to your wife or not.

Trust me. That first moment in time when your daughter is born....in the hospital....when she looks up at you and stares at your face....and makes this little "O" with her lips......will be the most important and most rememorable moment of your life! That moment when she just "knows" that you are her father and knows that you will be there for her....regardless of whatever crap life throws her way.....

This is fatherhood. 

And this is what you should be striving for! To be the best father in the world to her....no matter what crap life threw you in the mix. 

You will be her everything! You will be the one that teaches her about baseball. About football! About computers and geeky science shat if that's your thing. And of course.... About...."boys"! And how a real "boy" should be.....not a spoiled teenager boy. 

You will teach her how to be independent. How to think for herself. How to make her own decisions. How to be the best Person she could be. You can teach her the "grit" needed to make it in this chaos we call life!

And you know what?!!! It's all worth it when she brings home that cheesy card she made in grade one....the one made from macaroni and crayons....that says "to the best father in the world! Happy fathers day!"

This is what being a dad is all about! Not tossing her aside for something your wife did to you. That, my friend, is the cowards way out.

You need to MAN UP! Be the bigger person! Be the man that knows his responsibility in life. You helped grow this child. It's time you started thinking about being the better man....and how to nurture your child through life.

To do this any other way is a cowards way. Someone who wants to just wipe his hands on his own choices in life and say "damn the rest!"

Don't be that man! There are far too many of them out there already. Your daughter does not need to experience that disappointment in life even before she has a chance to breath her first breath.


Why would you pass this all up just to be spiteful


----------



## Jonesey

Empty Inside said:


> You know, when I first began posting in the middle of June, you made a comment on my original thread that truly hurt my feelings. Since that time I have not been able to read any of your posts without feeling a negative connotation attached to them. After reading this post I may have to rethink that.
> 
> To the OP: Sorry about the thread jack....


ThanksI know i come cross negative,harsh,and o on.
I do it deliberately many times. It kills me to see people
get betrayed.And fall for the same thing´s i did.
only to find out later, the "Truth" wasn't "truth" after all.

I was depressed, you pushing me away .yada yada ,excuses.And so ,on. So in pure desperation you "chose" to buy
the/those reason´s and try to move on. Busting your ass to correct anything that was wrong with you. But only to find your self being fooled.So you find your self at square one again.Once You try again .This time you work harder,and get less in return,,and for what? you guessed it Only to find your self back at square one,one more time..
Been there done that,got the lousy T-Shirt to prove it..

That* PAIN AND HUMILIATION* i felt ,can really describe it.
One of those experiences you have to have faced to really understand. Me,well chose to divorce could not take it any more.When my EX finally figured it out it was to late.The damage was already done.Still love ,even today.Wish i did not.

It was pure torture to go true TT. My Ex sitting there watching
and see.My infidelity diet almost losing my job.Ridiculed beyond belief, by pretty much every one.Busting my ass to fix fault´s
that wasn't there .watch while i took my car and went for,the drive thrue 24/7 open
and order the quadruple humiliation meal.And just i case turned around the car ,to order two more of those meals.Thinking why not.Just in case.Things like this went on for months.And she fully new she could had put me out of my misery months earlier.but chose not to just to save her own hide.
There are of course more i could explain what went on.This more a short version.Why i chose to respond the way i do.
Perhaps i a vain attempt to save someone else go thru the same things,and avoid the same misery, i did. 

Now i know intellectually the reasoning behind and thinking she had.But never the
less pain full experience. Now i have believe or not.I have forgiven her for everything.And dont think so much about it any more.But do you know the person i still haven´t complety forgiven yet? Myself.Yes my self.Strange i know.One of the reason´s WHY did i think so little of my self, and had so much higher opinion of my EX.To make my self go thru it all.
No answer to that yet,sadly.

I see husband´s and wife´s on forum that is about to put them self´s on the road of a similar experience to own.Knowing what i know.

It´s difficult to be Diplomat most of the time.
There is no shame to wanna reconcile.
But reconcile at the cost of you dignity,self respect and
who you are.That´s a shame.Believe me i know first hand.

Short version *Empty Inside
* to why.

I lacked perspective and still sadly do at times.


----------



## Humble Pie

alphaomega said:


> Oh....my.....god!
> 
> This is what being a dad is all about! Not tossing her aside for something your wife did to you. That, my friend, is the cowards way out.
> 
> You need to MAN UP! Be the bigger person! Be the man that knows his responsibility in life. You helped grow this child. It's time you started thinking about being the better man....and how to nurture your child through life.
> 
> To do this any other way is a cowards way. Someone who wants to just wipe his hands on his own choices in life and say "damn the rest!"
> 
> Don't be that man! There are far too many of them out there already. Your daughter does not need to experience that disappointment in life even before she has a chance to breath her first breath.
> 
> 
> Why would you pass this all up just to be spiteful


Finally, someone who is straight and direct and doesnt give a "fluffy" piece of advise.


----------



## Humble Pie

JCD said:


> Please excuse me for trying to make an analogy using pop culture. If he can't get over this and constantly blames the child, then he has no business being with that child.
> 
> The term 'wh**e child' was shorthand. Please excuse me from offending your sensibilities. Lord knows from my brief browsing here that NOTHING that happens on television (adultery, weird sexual fetishes, loveless marriages, emotional affairs, fiscal hardship) actually happens in real life and it's all puffy make believe.


Where does he blame the child? AID is not blaming the child, he is blaming his wife, then hypothetically picturing a life of misery raising the child with his WW. 

You didn't get the point with the POP CULTURE referrence, why dont you avoid making analogies from your seat over there from the time spent on your sofa, and advise the situation based on a responsible act, isnt that our duty in this community?


----------



## JCD

Humble Pie said:


> Where does he blame the child? AID is not blaming the child, he is blaming his wife, then hypothetically picturing a life of misery raising the child with his WW.
> 
> You didn't get the point with the POP CULTURE referrence, why dont you avoid making analogies from your seat over there from the time spent on your sofa, and advise the situation based on a responsible act, isnt that our duty in this community?


Excuse me, but he as much as said that he'd resent the hell out of the child for the rest of her life as a symbol of what the wife did to him.

I am hoping he is speaking out of resentment and in anger and changes his stance but right now, I have to believe him because he wrote it.


----------



## F-102

What's going on here? I thought this was the thread to help him cope with an unfaithful wife, but it's turned into a thread to publicly execute AID for being a pre-emptive deadbeat dad.

He came here for support in dealing with the pain of infidelity, but is instead getting bashed by everyone for his feelings.

What next? Are some going to start saying that he DESERVES to have his W cheat on him?


----------



## Jonesey

F-102 said:


> What's going on here? I thought this was the thread to help him cope with an unfaithful wife, but it's turned into a thread to publicly execute AID for being a pre-emptive deadbeat dad.
> 
> He came here for support in dealing with the pain of infidelity, but is instead getting bashed by everyone for his feelings.
> 
> What next? Are some going to start saying that he DESERVES to have his W cheat on him?


Finally. Someone who gets it. And not thinking the are nostradamus.. I mean the guy screems from top of his lungs out of desperation.
That he needs help. Insted of. Help, he keeps getting verbally executed.


----------



## dymo

F-102 said:


> What's going on here? I thought this was the thread to help him cope with an unfaithful wife, but it's turned into a thread to publicly execute AID for being a pre-emptive deadbeat dad.
> 
> He came here for support in dealing with the pain of infidelity, but is instead getting bashed by everyone for his feelings.
> 
> What next? Are some going to start saying that he DESERVES to have his W cheat on him?


When a potential cheater comes for help on these forums, they will get a fair dose of bashing too. Often more so than what we see here. Especially if they don't see the full scope of their actions. And I think the people who take it all in are the better for it.

Whether it's a potential cheater or someone who is walking away from their child, both are on the cusp of doing something horrible to someone they should love. We wouldn't be doing him a favor by not going through the implications.


----------



## Ducky316

larry.gray said:


> You can go to several states and get it done.
> 
> That's why Dr. George Tiller was shot. He did 3rd trimester elective abortions. (not claiming to justify it...)


I knew George and his family personally. He did medically necessary 3rd trimester abortions...MEDICALLY NECESSARY! He was the victim of our states attorney general witch hunt for a number of years where not only did the investigation prove George never did any wrong doing, a Kansas disciplinary board found former Kansas attorney general Phill Kline guilty of ethical misconduct in connection with his investigation of Planned Parenthood and late-term abortionist George Tiller, and as a result, lost his license to practice law.


----------



## Jonesey

dymo said:


> When a potential cheater comes for help on these forums, they will get a fair dose of bashing too. Often more so than what we see here. Especially if they don't see the full scope of their actions. And I think the people who take it all in are the better for it.
> 
> Whether it's a potential cheater *or someone who is walking away from their child,*So you are the one that consider him self Nostradamus? both are on the cusp of doing something horrible to someone they should love. *We wouldn't be doing him a favor by not going through the implications. *


Explain this! How is this helping him.When every post is pretty 
much verbal execution style posting? based on what?
I man that is in a state of mind, where he probably would not
find his own ass with a map??

BTW have about offer the guy a solution? i mean in case you wanna help him..


----------



## dymo

Jonesey said:


> Explain this! How is this helping him.When every post is pretty
> much verbal execution style posting? based on what?
> I man that is in a state of mind, where he probably would not
> find his own ass with a map??
> 
> BTW have about offer the guy a solution? i mean in case you wanna help him..


You'll find the same verbal execution style in any number of cheater threads. Again and again, in as many ways as possible. How does it help a cheater? Hopefully, it helps by hammering home how serious their actions or potential actions are. And the emptiness of their justifications. And just maybe something will stick.

The solution? Be a dad. It's not simple, and it won't be easy, but then being a dad never is.


----------



## Jonesey

dymo said:


> *You'll find the same verbal execution style in any number of cheater threads. Again and again, in as many ways as possible.*Show me one of this thread´s where
> every one can predict the future?But You are right,about that cheaters also gets hammered. But solutions to the problem is also offered.This guy has as of now,only received.Hit and run posters.And that is the difference.Do you see any one comes back,with something constructive?? No you don't
> 
> How does it help a cheater? Hopefully, it helps by hammering home how serious their actions or potential actions are. And the emptiness of their justifications. And just maybe something will stick.
> 
> *The solution? Be a dad. It's not simple, and it won't be easy, but then being a dad never is.*




That is all you can offer up as a solution??


----------



## Malaise

I never had a chance to be a father.

You don't know what I would give to be one.


----------



## dymo

Jonesey said:


> [/B]
> 
> That is all you can offer up as a solution??


It's the same solution millions of divorced dads implement every day.


----------



## Thewife

Jonesey said:


> [/B]
> 
> That is all you can offer up as a solution??


We can't offer anyone a solution, we can only show them different perspective, insight, and details that they may not see due to their state of mind, at the end of all these they have to find a solution that best suits them.


----------



## Jonesey

dymo said:


> It's the same solution millions of divorced dads implement every day.


*sigh* and of course.Why did i no think about all those millions 
wife/mom´s that behaved like OP´s saint of wife.

Never mind. i give up. Keep bash the guy and be proud of it.


----------



## Jonesey

Thewife said:


> We can't offer anyone a solution, we can only show them different perspective, insight, and details that they may not see due to their state of mind, at the end of all these they have to find a solution that best suits them.


That is all i been asking for.The thing is i haven't seen it yet.


----------



## F-102

Jonesey said:


> Finally. Someone who gets it. And not thinking the are nostradamus.. I mean the guy screems from top of his lungs out of desperation.
> That he needs help. Insted of. Help, he keeps getting verbally executed.


Exactly-you're having him tarred and feathered because right now, in his state, he is trying to feel like he's not Yesterday's Trash- the furthest thing from his mind is winning Father Of The Year.


----------



## DawnD

To the OP:

I started to read the whole thread, but it gets off track a lot, so I am just gonna throw this out in the dark and hope it makes some sense. 

I completely understand the level of your heartbreak, and that dealing with all the betrayal and deception feels like it has broke you. And even when talking about your soon to be child (if she is indeed yours) I can understand needing to throw out all the anger you can. I honestly think it is healthy to get all these thoughts out and talk about it. Talk about the different situations and scenarios. Get it all out, so one day you can let it all go and make a sound and solid decision as to what you want to do. I certainly can't tell you the best choice, as I am not in your situation, but I can tell you that I think the mind needs to play out all these different ideas for us to truly know what is best. 

Play it all out. let your mind wander, but be sure to include the positives and negatives as best you can.


----------



## Vanguard

lisab0105 said:


> What a horrid thing to call a baby. If this kid is his, OP needs to put his big boy pants on and be a father. We've all been hurt by cheating, it doesn't give any of us a right to ditch our responsibility.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ma'am, please show me where I said he should ditch his responsibility. Take a look at my posts- words like responsibility, accountability and consequences are my jargon. If you knew me you'd know that I never advocate shirking responsibility. 

And please don't insult the OP by saying he needs to put on his "big boy pants." It's not kind to kick people while they're down and furthermore you appear to be a bit of a glass cannon.


----------



## Humble Pie

Jonesey said:


> BTW have about offer the guy a solution? i mean in case you wanna help him..


Here you go!

Look at it in a different perspective. I know this might not be possible since this situation is so fresh but take a different look at it...

The marriage between you and your wife is over. There is no denying, or trying to patch things up romantically/relationship wise. Accept that as you have and make your wife accept that. When she talks, or mind **** you again, just try and sit down and tell her how betrayed you feel and at this point you need to seperate from her for your best interest. You want to come off easy to her for a couple reasons: 1) she is pregnant and emotional instability is harmful to the child 2) you want to move on from this type of "please take me back" and onto the more serious matter, the child. 

When you present all the evidence you have, I can't imagine she will keep claiming "it was temporary" and "i won't do it again" BS to you.

Direct all you communication with your wife (after you have calmly discussed the seperation reality to her) about the child. You want to get on a mutual, non-destructive dialogue with her. Every decision that is made, is made for the best interest of the child.

Even if you f*** hate her guts, and want to physically harm her for what she has done, you must become cordial with her. 

Look you married your wife for a good reason, its not your fault what she did, and what she did was horrible, but you have to FORGIVE her and let that grude go. You continue to talk about her with such dispise, and you have totally every right, but just let go and FORGIVE. The faster you forgive her, the faster you can move on with your life and start making logical decisions.

And forgiveness is not for her, it is for you! Forgiveness doesnt mean taking her back, it means accepting the person she is (might be mentally unstable and needing professional help) and being able to help her with her issues, removing the attention from you and how bad you hurt, to "jesus this person is sick, she is the mother of my child, how can I help her?". 

Its a tough pill to swallow my friend, but one that takes a lot of courage to remove your own feelings of betrayal and focus on more unselfish aspect of your life: the woman you married and your daughter.


----------



## JCD

The quality of mercy is not strained.
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven,
Upon the place beneath.
It is twice blessed.
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.
It is mightiest in the mightiest,
It becomes the throned monarch better than his crown.
His sceptre shows the force of temporal power,
An attribute to awe and majesty.
Wherein doth sit the dread and fear of kings.
But mercy is above this sceptred sway,
It is enthroned in the hearts of kings,
It is an attribute to God himself.
And earthly power dost the become likest God's,
Where mercy seasons justice.


Portia's Speech. Merchant of Venice


----------



## Acabado

If OP is going to resent his child (asuming DNS +) maybe is better he run out his/her life.


----------



## lisab0105

WhiteMousse said:


> Ma'am, please show me where I said he should ditch his responsibility. Take a look at my posts- words like responsibility, accountability and consequences are my jargon. If you knew me you'd know that I never advocate shirking responsibility.
> 
> And please don't insult the OP by saying he needs to put on his "big boy pants." It's not kind to kick people while they're down and furthermore you appear to be a bit of a glass cannon.


I'm sorry, I find it impossible to take anyone seriously that has no problems referring to an innocent baby as a "spawn". 

And the OP himself is claiming that he wants to run away and make a new family from scratch. IF he does that, that is bogus and straight up bullsh**!


----------



## Loveandpizza

lisab0105 said:


> I'm sorry, I find it impossible to take anyone seriously that has no problems referring to an innocent baby as a "spawn".
> 
> And the OP himself is claiming that he wants to run away and make a new family from scratch. IF he does that, that is bogus and straight up bullsh**!


There is nothing wrong with using the term "spawn." You are thinking of such phrases as "demon spawn" or the like. I would want to run away from a woman wanting to make my life miserable as well, not only for my own sanity, but to protect myself from false dv/rape allegations. As much as you think it is the right thing to do there is always another side. You do not know this woman. With her stability and care for her husband she could get her daughter to claim that he abused her and get him hauled to jail. Doing the "right thing" as you see it is not always seen by the law and can get you in trouble. Not everything is black and white. I also suspect that his wife will use the kid as a pawn to torture him. I hope he doesn't give her the gratification.


----------



## alphaomega

Jonesey said:


> *sigh* and of course.Why did i no think about all those millions
> wife/mom´s that behaved like OP´s saint of wife.
> 
> Never mind. i give up. Keep bash the guy and be proud of it.


Jonesey,

We are not bashing the guy. We are giving him a perspective of truth. 

Of course he's in pain. Who wouldn't be?!!

But he needs to hear how his spiteful ness in leaving his daughter stranded and fatherless will be one of the worst decisions in his life.

Me! Hell! I'd dump her a$$ like last weeks leftovers. But he doesn't have to ruin an innocent child's life out of his anger towards his wife.

If he still wants to become a father to his biological daughter, then it just may be the best and most fulfilling relationship in his life.


----------



## sandc

JCD said:


> The quality of mercy is not strained.
> It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven,
> Upon the place beneath.
> It is twice blessed.
> It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.
> It is mightiest in the mightiest,
> It becomes the throned monarch better than his crown.
> His sceptre shows the force of temporal power,
> An attribute to awe and majesty.
> Wherein doth sit the dread and fear of kings.
> But mercy is above this sceptred sway,
> It is enthroned in the hearts of kings,
> It is an attribute to God himself.
> And earthly power dost the become likest God's,
> Where mercy seasons justice.
> 
> 
> Portia's Speech. Merchant of Venice


I used this same quote on another forum years ago... cool!


----------



## lisab0105

Loveandpizza said:


> There is nothing wrong with using the term "spawn." You are thinking of such phrases as "demon spawn" or the like. I would want to run away from a woman wanting to make my life miserable as well, not only for my own sanity, but to protect myself from false dv/rape allegations. As much as you think it is the right thing to do there is always another side. You do not know this woman. With her stability and care for her husband she could get her daughter to claim that he abused her and get him hauled to jail. Doing the "right thing" as you see it is not always seen by the law and can get you in trouble. Not everything is black and white. I also suspect that his wife will use the kid as a pawn to torture him. I hope he doesn't give her the gratification.


YOU don't know her either, so where the heck does the domestic violence/rape allegations come from? Now she is going to brainwash her daughter and also claim sexual abuse? Quit feeding into his paranoia! 

And I don't "think" to know what the right thing to do is. I KNOW what the right thing to do is and that is for him to step up and be a dad to his daughter if he is in fact the father. Children grow up in divorced families ALL THE TIME. And most of them come out just fine.


----------



## MattMatt

AID is hurting. My worry is if he does abandon his daughter -if it is his- he will carry not only the horror of what his wife did to him, but also the added layer of guilt over what he did to his daughter.


----------



## MattMatt

lisab0105 said:


> YOU don't know her either, so where the heck does the domestic violence/rape allegations come from? Now she is going to brainwash her daughter and also claim sexual abuse? Quit feeding into his paranoia!
> 
> And I don't "think" to know what the right thing to do is. I KNOW what the right thing to do is and that is for him to step up and be a dad to his daughter if he is in fact the father. Children grow up in divorced families ALL THE TIME. And most of them come out just fine.


In this case I doubt anyone will come out "just fine."


----------



## Loveandpizza

lisab0105 said:


> YOU don't know her either, so where the heck does the domestic violence/rape allegations come from? Now she is going to brainwash her daughter and also claim sexual abuse? Quit feeding into his paranoia!
> 
> And I don't "think" to know what the right thing to do is. I KNOW what the right thing to do is and that is for him to step up and be a dad to his daughter if he is in fact the father. Children grow up in divorced families ALL THE TIME. And most of them come out just fine.


I do not know this, but I just think he should be aware of any warning signs. She already mocks him and shows no regard for his well being, this is where this is coming from. Protecting yourself from possible legal issues that can jail you for a long time is just something to be aware of. Not everything is black and white my friend. It might be noble for you to go to North Korea and tell Kim-Jun-Un to not be an oppressive leader, but you have to think of how much it would benefit and the consequences.


----------



## survivorwife

MattMatt said:


> AID is hurting. My worry is if he does abandon his daughter -if it is his- he will carry not only the horror of what his wife did to him, but also the added layer of guilt over what he did to his daughter.


I have faith that AID will do the right thing. Funny, but I've noticed that in general a father doesn't really connect with his offspring until the actually birth, when he holds the precious child in his arms for the first time and those feelings of love and protection come flooding in as he looks at his beautiful, innocent and defenseless baby.

My brother has always had a hard time expressing deep emotion. He handles emotions by telling jokes or finding the "lighter side" of events. Prior to his daughter being born, he really didn't seem all that invested in the reality of his becoming a father. Until the child was born. And he held that precious baby in his arms and looked into her eyes. You could see the love and protection there. He was "won" at that moment and every day thereafter.

AID will be fine with his relationship with his child. This relationship is separate from his feelings about his WS, and I have faith that he will form a special bond with this baby and will do right by the child.


----------



## Jonesey

alphaomega said:


> Jonesey,
> 
> We are not bashing the guy. We are giving him a perspective of truth.
> 
> Of course he's in pain. Who wouldn't be?!!
> 
> But he needs to hear how his spiteful ness in leaving his daughter stranded and fatherless will be one of the worst decisions in his life.
> 
> Me! Hell! I'd dump her a$$ like last weeks leftovers. But he doesn't have to ruin an innocent child's life out of his anger towards his wife.
> 
> If he still wants to become a father to his biological daughter, then it just may be the best and most fulfilling relationship in his life.


My biggest problem was/is all the hit and run post´s
saying the same thing.Bashing the guy,over things no one knows for sure.And thus acting like Nostradamus.

In my case after DD.I was convinced i was going to KILL
OM.And i really mean Kill the guy.No body bangs my now ex wife,for 24 month´s and get away with it..Did i actually do it?
Of course not. Except in my mind.There get killed a couple of million times. My point is. In the state of mind the guy must be in,its most likely.Super anger that does the talking for him,right now..
When the child is born,and he hold her the first time.HIs anger won't matter..Baby´s are funny that way.The have nice way of
getting to you

Also personally this was getting to big time.How every post 
people made.Was basically hammering down on him.And all that,wit ZERO perspective.That seriously pissed me of..

There was no reason for hit and run posting.


----------



## Jonesey

survivorwife said:


> I have faith that AID will do the right thing. Funny, but I've noticed that in general a father doesn't really connect with his offspring until the actually birth, when he holds the precious child in his arms for the first time and those feelings of love and protection come flooding in as he looks at his beautiful, innocent and defenseless baby.
> 
> My brother has always had a hard time expressing deep emotion. He handles emotions by telling jokes or finding the "lighter side" of events. Prior to his daughter being born, he really didn't seem all that invested in the reality of his becoming a father. Until the child was born. And he held that precious baby in his arms and looked into her eyes. You could see the love and protection there. He was "won" at that moment and every day thereafter.
> 
> AID will be fine with his relationship with his child. This relationship is separate from his feelings about his WS, and I have faith that he will form a special bond with this baby and will do right by the child.


Thanks. for posting this..


----------



## Bricko

Am I Dreaming,

As it was said earlier, you got dealt a bad hand. I am truly sorry for the intense pain you are going through at this time.

A few members also said that once the child is born you may well change your feelings. This was the case with me.

It may not happen in the birthing room but maybe 1, 2, or 3 years down the road. I think there is a very good chance that if this child is yours and you keep some sort of contact with your child, you will experience something that is beyond wonderful.

Count mentioned what he gave up moving half away around the world to be a part of his son's life. I have to deal with a mean ex-wife that tries her best to make me miserable. Before my daughters were born, I never realized that the best thing that would ever happen to me is the love that my daughters and I share with each other.

Bottom line is, you will make a decision based on the information you have. The only information you don't have at this time is how you feel about your child if you get to know her.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you peace of heart.


----------



## naga75

Am I Dreaming? said:


> I'm not willing to engage in a custody battle with my wife. I'm just not. I want to move on with my life. If it is confirmed to be my child I'll fulfill my legal commitment by paying child support. How active of a role will I have? Probably not very active. If somehow we are able to work together in a sane way than maybe a small role. But I'm not going to coparent with my STBXW and I'm probably not going to be a "Dad" to this child.
> 
> It is kind of shameful. I'm not disputing that. At the end of the day I have to make a decision. Am I willing to deal with this wretched cheating and deal with the woman that is my wife for the rest of my life? I don't want anything to do with her. I am leaning strongly towards the just pay support option. Its not a perfect choice and there is some collateral damage but I think its the best choice for me.
> 
> I can move on with my life. I don't have to schedule around a child. I'm financially more free. I don't have to deal with my Ex. I'm a good, faithful, well-educated person. I am confident I can find someone who isn't a total ****. And at that point (whenever it may be) I can be a father. Right now, its not in the cards.
> 
> I think I would unfairly resent the **** out of that little girl. I don't have a healthy enough mindset about all of this to step in and be a parent. This isn't a perfect situation by any stretch. All the choices are poor ones. I think this is the least poor choice for me.
> 
> Someone asked if I had confronted my wife about the nude pics. No. Beyond the point of caring. It doesn't change anything and I don't want to hear her rationalization. At some point you stop giving a ****. How much worse can it get?
> 
> Also for the record we live in Georgia, not Tennessee. So it might be a little different.
> 
> I've been really calm with her and almost icy. That stopped today. I dropped by to pick up some things and we had to talk. I was a total ******* to her. It was ugly. I didn't touch her but I definitely said some really hurtful things and twisted the knife a lot. It felt good in the moment but I'm having some regrets now. I should know better than lose my composure. I think if I get angry I'm going to try to rant on here or anywhere other than to her. I'm just descending to her level.


My two cents here:
For awhile i regretted not leaving. My wife, once she pulled her head out of her ass, got thru "the fog", and understood what a POS the om was thru talking with his wife and reading the hateful things he sent me via email/text about her, seems to realize what a horrendous mistake she made. 
Unfit spouse? Definitely. Unfit mother? Not at all. She is a fantastic mother to our daughter. 
As far as "resenting" your child, i can assure you...once you see and hold your child, you will NOT.
My wife is actively making an effort to exemplify what a spouse and mother should be. Some people learn from mistakes and use them. 
Others, not so much. 
It is a hard road. Full of anger and heartache. Some women are worth it. Some are not. 
That is your decision to make.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mrstj4sho88

lisab0105 said:


> Well lets see, the OP himself called that baby a lost cause and another poster called the baby a spawn. The OP wants to talk about forgetting about this little girl so he can run away and start a whole brand new
> family...sorry if that is the road he takes that just makes him a different kind of scum than his whoring wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

Poor child has no one both parents still acting like teenagers..:scratchhead:


----------



## MattMatt

AID, how's it going? How are you coping?


----------



## JCD

MattMatt said:


> AID, how's it going? How are you coping?


Why the hell would he come back here? People are screaming at him worse then they are the wife.

"Well, of course she's scum, but YOU SIR!!!....."

Compassion people! He's still in shock and people are jumping all over him. He's in the 'Saying Crazy Sh!t' Stage.


----------



## F-102

I wouldn't blame him if he never came back to TAM.


----------



## Drover

survivorwife said:


> Funny, but I've noticed that in general a father doesn't really connect with his offspring until the actually birth, when he holds the precious child in his arms for the first time and those feelings of love and protection come flooding in as he looks at his beautiful, innocent and defenseless baby.


I actually didn't feel the connection for a couple of weeks after the birth of my first. I was looking forward to becoming a father wheile my wife was pregnant. But it took a little time. I really thought there was something wrong with me, but I was told this is not at all uncommon.


----------



## warlock07

One of my friend's father only got attached to his kids after the 3rd one


----------



## FryFish

I think he is making the best choice even if it IS his... He KNOWS he cant be a good father to this child... No parent is better than a bad parent.


----------



## Dad&Hubby

I read the first 15 pages or so and am jumping here. OP, I truly hope you read this and take it to heart.

Obviously, you're doing the DNA test which is critical. Find out if the Girl is yours. One scenario is she's not yours and you move on, no harm no foul. Now lets assume the girl is yours.

1. Do NOT abandon the child. I'm a remarried father and my first wife/ex wife was a tad psycho. It would've been VERY easy to drop out of my kids lives etc. to avoid dealing with her but the emptiness you'll feel and the regret will be too much. I can tell you first hand, even on an every other weekend and one dinner a week setup, YOU HAVE IMPACT. But this moves on to number 2.

2. There are 2 ways to approach this. First, use her "I'll do anything to make this work" to your advantage. Tell her that you feel alone and need a support system to get through this. That you want to move your family (try not to vomit in your mouth) including her to where YOU have family, as in Houston, I think you said. Make this "non-negotiable" in order to TRY and get past this. Once you're ON YOUR turf and officially there with change of address etc. THAT'S WHEN YOU FILE. This will make YOUR home the place to raise the child. She won't be able to leave the state without your permission.

3. Take NOTHING less than 4 days on/3 days off and FULL JOINT CUSTODY. You deserve to have 50% custody. Courts are going to this more and more.

4. Fight for FULL sole custody and try and show her to be an unfit mother. Her actions are HIGHLY questionable in regards to this. Any woman who brings a total stranger into her house while she's pregnant is suspect to say the least. It won't go anywhere, but you now have that on the books, and when she brings home 8,000 boyfriends while neglecting your daughter, you can go after this again.


----------



## SweetAndSour

Am I Dreaming? said:


> I'm not willing to engage in a custody battle with my wife. I'm just not. I want to move on with my life. If it is confirmed to be my child I'll fulfill my legal commitment by paying child support. How active of a role will I have? Probably not very active. If somehow we are able to work together in a sane way than maybe a small role. But I'm not going to coparent with my STBXW and I'm probably not going to be a "Dad" to this child.
> 
> It is kind of shameful. I'm not disputing that. At the end of the day I have to make a decision. Am I willing to deal with this wretched cheating and deal with the woman that is my wife for the rest of my life? I don't want anything to do with her. I am leaning strongly towards the just pay support option. Its not a perfect choice and there is some collateral damage but I think its the best choice for me.
> 
> I can move on with my life. I don't have to schedule around a child. I'm financially more free. I don't have to deal with my Ex. I'm a good, faithful, well-educated person. I am confident I can find someone who isn't a total ****. And at that point (whenever it may be) I can be a father. Right now, its not in the cards.
> 
> I think I would unfairly resent the **** out of that little girl. I don't have a healthy enough mindset about all of this to step in and be a parent. This isn't a perfect situation by any stretch. All the choices are poor ones. I think this is the least poor choice for me.
> 
> Someone asked if I had confronted my wife about the nude pics. No. Beyond the point of caring. It doesn't change anything and I don't want to hear her rationalization. At some point you stop giving a ****. How much worse can it get?
> 
> Also for the record we live in Georgia, not Tennessee. So it might be a little different.
> 
> I've been really calm with her and almost icy. That stopped today. I dropped by to pick up some things and we had to talk. I was a total ******* to her. It was ugly. I didn't touch her but I definitely said some really hurtful things and twisted the knife a lot. It felt good in the moment but I'm having some regrets now. I should know better than lose my composure. I think if I get angry I'm going to try to rant on here or anywhere other than to her. I'm just descending to her level.


Am I Dreaming,

When I turn on my passion, you come second to the baby girl, sorry. Appearently, considering your wife's state of mind, baby will have only you to rely on when she was born into this scary world, I hope you'll be there.

Go watch some movies about a sweet, little, abandoned girl and a bitter man who is not even her father but they wind up together and there, they find something worth for experiencing. Help me here with some movie suggestions people, holiday time is coming.


----------



## Vanguard

lisab0105 said:


> I'm sorry, I find it impossible to take anyone seriously that has no problems referring to an innocent baby as a "spawn".
> 
> And the OP himself is claiming that he wants to run away and make a new family from scratch. IF he does that, that is bogus and straight up bullsh**!


That sounds like someone who concedes that they can't address the points I've raised. Your words smell of desperation; someone who wants to fight but has no weapons or training. You haven't even addressed this:


WhiteMousse said:


> Ma'am, please show me where I said he should ditch his responsibility. Take a look at my posts- words like responsibility, accountability and consequences are my jargon. If you knew me you'd know that I never advocate shirking responsibility.
> 
> And please don't insult the OP by saying he needs to put on his "big boy pants." It's not kind to kick people while they're down and furthermore you appear to be a bit of a glass cannon.


And have chosen instead to just reject everything I've said on the basis of a term I used (and a term you clearly don't understand, seeing your reaction). The extent of your lack of objectivity is indicative of some pretty troubling things.

If it's not his kid, he's under no obligation to stay. The fact that you can't seem to grasp this simple concept is absolutely beyond me. No matter how you try to spin this, no matter how much you try to make this about _me_, or make me the bad guy, you simply can't get around that fact (which is probably why you keep dodging the issue). I don't know what your problem with me is, but you're allowing it to cloud your judgment (which doesn't mean anything to me) and you're also allowing it to spill into the advice you're trying to give to someone who is hurting (which *does* bother me). The fact that you're willing to dismiss everything someone says over _*vernacular*_ demonstrates what kind of mind yours is. 


*EDIT:* Nevermind, someone already said it for me.
I noticed you failed to address the bolded part of his post here, which by your own admission is the crux of your issues with me.


Loveandpizza said:


> There is nothing wrong with using the term "spawn." *You are thinking of such phrases as "demon spawn" or the like.* I would want to run away from a woman wanting to make my life miserable as well, not only for my own sanity, but to protect myself from false dv/rape allegations. As much as you think it is the right thing to do there is always another side. You do not know this woman. With her stability and care for her husband she could get her daughter to claim that he abused her and get him hauled to jail. Doing the "right thing" as you see it is not always seen by the law and can get you in trouble. Not everything is black and white. I also suspect that his wife will use the kid as a pawn to torture him. I hope he doesn't give her the gratification.


----------



## Kasler

Looks like hes been driven off TAM.


----------



## Vanguard

Kasler said:


> Looks like hes been driven off TAM.


Agreed. By people who are too busy projecting to be of any use.



JCD said:


> Why the hell would he come back here? People are screaming at him worse then they are the wife.
> 
> "Well, of course she's scum, but YOU SIR!!!....."
> 
> Compassion people! He's still in shock and people are jumping all over him. He's in the 'Saying Crazy Sh!t' Stage.


Yeah. It's sad that people are unable to fathom that others are going through the same pain that they experienced once upon a time.


----------



## WyshIknew

Well according to his profile he was last on the site today at 2:35 am so he hasn't left all together.

He is possibly not posting because he just doesn't want to get bashed again and again and again.


----------



## lisab0105

WhiteMousse said:


> Agreed. By people who are too busy projecting to be of any use.
> 
> 
> 
> Yeah. It's sad that people are unable to fathom that others are going through the same pain that they experienced once upon a time.


Okay WM, since you are so desperate to bait me into responding, I shall give you what you want. 

I will not be engaging in this particular discussion any longer. I have said my piece, I stand behind everything I have said to the OP. I have ZERO respect for anyone that thinks it is justified to walk away from a child. I don't care if they are a betrayed spouse or not. Anyone that supports the OP's idea to walk away from said child and start over with a brand new family from scratch is not anyone I care to post with. You and they have absolutely nothing valuable to say that I will ever feel inclined to respond to. 

So with that, I am going to ask that you not private message me again and to stop directing your posts in this discussion to me because I am finished. I have not been responding out of respect to the mods for wanting this discussion to remain constructive. I had nothing further to add, therefore I have not responded. And I will go back to not responding once I hit the submit button on this post.


----------



## larry.gray

But you still want to take a shot or two at the OP. 

If you run the guy off you succeed in nothing but taking away one more resource from the guy to cope what he's going through.


----------



## EI

warlock07 said:


> One of my friend's father only got attached to his kids after the 3rd one


Well, that must have really sucked for the 1st and 2nd one.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

larry.gray said:


> But you still want to take a shot or two at the OP.
> 
> If you run the guy off you succeed in nothing but taking away one more resource from the guy to cope what he's going through.


If he left it was by HIS choice - not because of Lisa - she's not that powerful. 

[Recusal back in effect.]


----------



## MattMatt

AID is hurting very badly.

My concern for him is that if he rejects his daughter before she is even born, he will start to hate himself for doing this.

That would be doubly crushing to him.


----------



## Kasler

The thing is, he doesn't know what he wants at this point. 

Whats hes been saying has probably just been him panicking, so going off on him in all seriousness was a really bad move. 

A little tact can go a long way.


----------



## larry.gray

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> If he left it was by HIS choice - not because of Lisa - she's not that powerful.


I call BS on that. He's been beat up by quite a few posters. Why would someone come to where they are being piled on further?



Count of Monte Cristo said:


> [Recusal back in effect.]


Uh huh. Shame on all of you. He needs support not bashing.


----------



## Acabado

> Shame on all of you. He needs support not bashing.


 I have not bashed OM despite I don't respect at all his decission to throw the baby with the mother. But the above statement can't be more wrong. Just because someone has been betrayed it doesn't give him a free pass for bad behavior. At all.
What if he proposed to shot her wife? Should he be commended?


----------



## larry.gray

Calling the guy "scum" isn't bashing?

Calling him worse than his cheating wife isn't bashing?


----------



## Acabado

What I say is he can (already was) supported because as many of us he was betrayed. Some (not me) can, feel free, to bash him on his bad behavior. Not mutually exclusive.


----------



## Vanguard

lisab0105 said:


> Okay WM, since you are so desperate to bait me into responding, I shall give you what you want.
> 
> I will not be engaging in this particular discussion any longer. I have said my piece, I stand behind everything I have said to the OP. I have ZERO respect for anyone that thinks it is justified to walk away from a child. I don't care if they are a betrayed spouse or not. Anyone that supports the OP's idea to walk away from said child and start over with a brand new family from scratch is not anyone I care to post with. You and they have absolutely nothing valuable to say that I will ever feel inclined to respond to.
> 
> So with that, I am going to ask that you not private message me again and to stop directing your posts in this discussion to me because I am finished. I have not been responding out of respect to the mods for wanting this discussion to remain constructive. I had nothing further to add, therefore I have not responded. And I will go back to not responding once I hit the submit button on this post.


You never had a response to begin with because I have continually asked you the same question. It doesn't logically follow to say you now refuse to respond:


> And have chosen instead to just reject everything I've said on the basis of a term I used (and a term you clearly don't understand, seeing your reaction). The extent of your lack of objectivity is indicative of some pretty troubling things.
> 
> If it's not his kid, he's under no obligation to stay. The fact that you can't seem to grasp this simple concept is absolutely beyond me. No matter how you try to spin this, no matter how much you try to make this about me, or make me the bad guy, you simply can't get around that fact (which is probably why you keep dodging the issue). I don't know what your problem with me is, but you're allowing it to cloud your judgment (which doesn't mean anything to me) and you're also allowing it to spill into the advice you're trying to give to someone who is hurting (which does bother me). The fact that you're willing to dismiss everything someone says over vernacular demonstrates what kind of mind yours is.


You say you have no interest in listening to anything I have to say, but you have yet to establish why. I will reiterate again-- my thesis from the beginning has been the same- I am not encouraging him to walk away if it's his child. 

Again-- you're ignoring the issue and choosing rather to attack me. As I stated before, I don't understand what your problem with me is. I have given you clear, concise and yet respectful refutations of the things you have said and all you've done in return is insult. I PM'd you so that if you wished we could discuss this in private to spare the OP and others. 

But I'm fine with continuing it here. As long as you make irresponsible statements I am going to respond. *I hope you take no offense to it; I have no problem with you as a person, merely the flawed ideology you espouse.*


----------



## EI

larry.gray said:


> Calling the guy "scum" isn't bashing?
> 
> Calling him worse than his cheating wife isn't bashing?


I think planning to abandon your (un)born child, if it is, in fact, his child, is *faaaaaaar* worse than being a cheating spouse. I was the cheating spouse, I got, seriously, bashed, here on TAM,..... deserved every bit of it and stuck around so that my redemption and reconciliation (working on that now) might help others in the same situation. Honestly, I am not sure if my reconciliation would have even come this far had I not stuck around. Accountability is a strong motivator. 

The one person, in this whole scenario, whose well-being is at the most risk, and is the least deserving of ANY of the misery that awaits her is this precious (un)born child. If this man truly abandons his child, I don't care if his stbxw is a prostitute or a serial killer, then he will be far less redeemable and worthy of compassion than his lying, deceiving, cheating wife..... the one he plans to leave his child with.

When it comes to infidelity, here on TAM, there is a zero tolerance mentality..... no compassion, no exceptions..... you made your vows and you keep them or get a divorce..... children and potential financial disaster be damned..... 

Well, as a mother, I can tell you that there should be ZERO tolerance for abandoning your child for ANY reason...... EVER.


----------



## Jonesey

Empty Inside said:


> I think planning to abandon your (un)born child, if it is, in fact, his child, is *faaaaaaar* worse than being a cheating spouse. I was the cheating spouse, I got, seriously, bashed, here on TAM,..... deserved every bit of it and stuck around so that my redemption and reconciliation (working on that now) might help others in the same situation. Honestly, I am not sure if my reconciliation would have even come this far had I not stuck around. Accountability is a strong motivator.
> 
> The one person, in this whole scenario, whose well-being is at the most risk, and is the least deserving of ANY of the misery that awaits her is this precious (un)born child. *If this man truly abandons his child,* Thats the core of the problem
> he hasent yet...If it turns out he does..I will back your post up
> seven days a week and twice on sundays...
> My biggest problem here was all the hit and run post verbal execussun style responses..
> 
> Who really try to understand him and talk him down?
> lend one ear ,hear him out? Answer no one basically..
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I don't care if his stbxw is a prostitute or a serial killer, then he will be far less redeemable and worthy of compassion than his lying, deceiving, cheating wife..... the one he plans to leave his child with.
> 
> When it comes to infidelity, here on TAM, there is a zero tolerance mentality..... no compassion, no exceptions..... you made your vows and you keep them or get a divorce..... children and potential financial disaster be damned.....
> 
> Well, as a mother, I can tell you that there should be ZERO tolerance for abandoning your child for ANY reason...... EVER.


----------



## EI

Jonesey said:


> *" If this man truly abandons his child, Thats the core of the problem
> he hasent yet...If it turns out he does..I will back your post up
> seven days a week and twice on sundays...
> My biggest problem here was all the hit and run post verbal execussun style responses..
> 
> Who really try to understand him and talk him down?
> lend one ear ,hear him out? Answer no one basically..
> *


Okay, Jonesey, we'll wait and reserve judgement until after the birth of this child. Let's just hope that the OP comes back and tells everyone what he decides to do. 

Does anyone know, approximately, when this baby is due?


----------



## warlock07

Empty Inside said:


> Well, that must have really sucked for the 1st and 2nd one.


He is the favorite son. But he did not treat his other kids any less.


----------



## Jonesey

Empty Inside said:


> Okay, Jonesey, we'll wait and reserve judgement until after the birth of this child. Let's just hope that the OP comes back and tells everyone what he decides to do.
> 
> Does anyone know, approximately, when this baby is due?


She was 7 month´s pregnant,when he came here.


----------



## survivorwife

Empty Inside said:


> Okay, Jonesey, we'll wait and reserve judgement until after the birth of this child. Let's just hope that the OP comes back and tells everyone what he decides to do.


Unfortunately, I think that ship done sailed. As a BS, if I had expressed some extreme emotional opinion based solely on a situation that may or may not come into play, and received such strong reprimands from others here, I would not be so inclined to return and share the rest of the story, as I would not anticipate much in the way of support, even if I chose to love this child if I were in his shoes.

You see, when he was down, hurt and looking for a place to vent, weigh his options and to seek support and advise, he was attacked on a side issue that may or may not happen, nor was it the primary reason for his visit here. While we all may feel strongly in support of an innocent child, his primary concern was in relation to the betrayal of his W, which, as we all know, can be extremely painful in itself. The paternity of this child and the future implications was secondary to that.

I find it interesting as well that you chose the word "we" as in "we'll wait and reserve judgement" which implies that you are part of a "gang mentality" should he decide to come back and address this thread at a future time. As much as his story about his betrayal has touched me, and my faith that he will do right by child no matter what his future holds, I can't imagine that he would desire to subject himself to judgment by a "gang".

So no, I don't expect him to return. I only hope that he reads this thread and other threads and finds guidance for his future.


----------



## Doc Who

Wow, we are quick to judge a guy for words and let his wayward wife's ACTIONS go with little effect.

I can't blame the guy for bugging out of this thread. He is hurt and said some pretty wrong things. But THEY WERE WORDS PEOPLE.

He has not abandoned anything except his soulless cheater of a wife.

I sincerely hope he gets the DNA testing done and finds out he is free from her soul-crushing decent into hell. But if he is the father, something tells me he will do the right thing once the enormous pain of her mind-boggling betrayal subsides. (What else can you call a woman who would sleep with a stranger while seven months pregnant???)

So, maybe, just maybe you all should save your righteous indignation for when he actually takes ACTION. Just a thought...


----------



## Acabado

> But THEY WERE WORDS PEOPLE.


They were not words. He shared his PLAN to abandon this child even DNA proved was his. Beyond a few bad chosen words the total detachment from this child came the moment he started talking about her/him as "her" child. At that moment I realized the child would be better with him away. The sudden change tell us he won't be a real father to this child.


----------



## EI

warlock07 said:


> He is the favorite son. But he did not treat his other kids any less.


All of my children, all five of them, would tell you that they were my "favorite child!" And, they would *ALL* be right!


----------



## oneMOreguy

Doc Who said:


> Wow, we are quick to judge a guy for words and let his wayward wife's ACTIONS go with little effect.
> 
> I can't blame the guy for bugging out of this thread. He is hurt and said some pretty wrong things. But THEY WERE WORDS PEOPLE.
> 
> He has not abandoned anything except his soulless cheater of a wife.
> 
> I sincerely hope he gets the DNA testing done and finds out he is free from her soul-crushing decent into hell. But if he is the father, something tells me he will do the right thing once the enormous pain of her mind-boggling betrayal subsides. (What else can you call a woman who would sleep with a stranger while seven months pregnant???)
> 
> So, maybe, just maybe you all should save your righteous indignation for when he actually takes ACTION. Just a thought...


...yep, and I imagine that the OP is still in a tremendous state of shock over this.......there really seems to be no good way for everyone to come out whole on this one.....and the OP is the only one who knows how much involvement he can have with his WW before the pain is simply not bearable......this is a story with only very bad endings. Remember, OP is like us, only human, and not an instrument that you can set for certain actions and results.


----------



## Jonesey

Acabado said:


> They were not words. He shared his PLAN to abandon this child even DNA proved was his. Beyond a few bad chosen words the total detachment from this child came the moment he started talking about her/him as "her" child. At that moment I realized the child would be better with him away. The sudden change tell us he won't be a real father to this child.


How about this guy then?? this even more disturbing then this thread..
Personally i think its just anger talk

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/56160-56-year-old-wife-sexting-25-year-old-boy.html


----------



## SomedayDig

Hey OP...you haven't posted here since 9/9 (post #258). What's up?


----------



## larry.gray

SomedayDig said:


> Hey OP...you haven't posted here since 9/9 (post #258). What's up?


I hope he's finding help on a forum where he isn't getting beat up. He can leave out that one part about abandoning a kid and post elsewhere without the same drama it created.


----------



## larry.gray

I'd like to point out to the OP that he can delete this thread. You just go under thread tools and select delete. 

Then you can start a new thread - and then ask certain members to just stay out. If they do not respect that, they can get in trouble with moderators. This forum has a very strict policy about not attacking other members, and to follow you into another thread and post again just to hit you yet again will be taken that way by the moderators.


----------



## Jonesey

larry.gray said:


> I'd like to point out to the OP that he can delete this thread. You just go under thread tools and select delete.
> 
> Then you can start a new thread - and then ask certain members to just stay out. If they do not respect that, they can get in trouble with moderators. This forum has a very strict policy about not attacking other members, and to follow you into another thread and post again just to hit you yet again will be taken that way by the moderators.


Im surprised that it hasn't happened yet. Lord Mayhem
got banned for less then this..


----------



## WyshIknew

OP has posted in other threads, in one thread by BEE85 he has stated that Bee85's husband may be in a similar situation to him and may have to pay child support for a child that isn't his.
Has he found something out and is just too sick to his stomach to post?

Is it worth somebody sending him a PM?


----------



## MattMatt

WyshIknew said:


> OP has posted in other threads, in one thread by BEE85 he has stated that Bee85's husband may be in a similar situation to him and may have to pay child support for a child that isn't his.
> Has he found something out and is just too sick to his stomach to post?
> 
> Is it worth somebody sending him a PM?


Good idea. I just pmed him.


----------



## WyshIknew

MattMatt said:


> Good idea. I just pmed him.


Nice one Matt, if I had to choose someone to send a PM to him it would be you.

If you don't mind let me know what happens.


----------



## MattMatt

WyshIknew said:


> Nice one Matt, if I had to choose someone to send a PM to him it would be you.
> 
> If you don't mind let me know what happens.


Thank you for that!:smthumbup:

I actually did a counselling course a few years back, but never put it into practice.


----------



## Rags

MattMatt said:


> I actually did a counselling course a few years back, but never put it into practice.


I beg to differ.


----------



## Complexity

larry.gray said:


> I hope he's finding help on a forum where he isn't getting beat up. He can leave out that one part about abandoning a kid and post elsewhere without the same drama it created.


Stop with the melodrama. He wasn't "beat" up. It takes a stone heart, *yes I repeat*, a stone heart to do what he was about to do. It's ludicrous to suggest a few choice words "hurt" his feelings that much.


----------



## MattMatt

Complexity said:


> Stop with the melodrama. He wasn't "beat" up. It takes a stone heart, *yes I repeat*, a stone heart to do what he was about to do. It's ludicrous to suggest a few choice words "hurt" his feelings that much.


Or someone who is in deep shock. Who needs people to point out that there has to be a better way?


----------



## Complexity

MattMatt said:


> Or someone who is in deep shock. Who needs people to point out that there has to be a better way?


That's what was conveyed to him. Besides, I don't get the brouhaha around lisab's posts to be honest. People tend to lose sympathy around here when they become that cold and calculated. Shock has nothing to do with punishing an innocent baby.


----------



## Jonesey

Complexity said:


> Stop with the melodrama. He wasn't "beat" up. It takes a stone heart, *yes I repeat*, a stone heart to do what he was about to do. It's ludicrous to suggest a few choice words "hurt" his feelings that much.


Im not looking to get in to a pissing contest with you our anyone else.. But what really is annoying her on TAM.Is how some people
no matter what the horrible act they committed.Get´s
somehow a free pass.. check the link i posted erlier.
that thread is seriously effing disturbing.. Has got slammed for it?? He is latterly checking up on how to legally get away 
with killing OM... WTF

And finally why is people coming back here.Considering the great 
"advice" he keeps receiving..

Sometime i seriously dont get this place


----------



## MattMatt

Jonesey said:


> Im not looking to get in to a pissing contest with you our anyone else.. But what really is annoying her on TAM.Is how some people
> no matter what the horrible act they committed.Get´s
> somehow a free pass.. check the link i posted erlier.
> that thread is seriously effing disturbing.. Has got slammed for it?? He is latterly checking up on how to legally get away
> with killing OM... WTF
> 
> And finally why is people coming back here.Considering the great
> "advice" he keeps receiving..
> 
> Sometime i seriously dont get this place


wanting to do some serious harm to the POSOM is natural. Actually seeking ways to do it is not cool. Get counselling, before you land yourself either in jail for life or on death row. He is not worth that.


----------



## WyshIknew

MattMatt said:


> AID, wanting to do some serious harm to the POSOM is natural. Actually seeking ways to do it is not cool. Get counselling, before you land yourself either in jail for life or on death row. He is not worth that.


It wasn't AID that was threatening to kill the OM it is another poster on the forum. The link is in the post above somewhere. It's about a 56 year old woman having an affair with a 25 year old man.
I tried reading his thread but he can't write a sentence without mentioning God three times and it gets very tiresome.
Perhaps his wife strayed because she was the third person in the marriage.
And way to go being a christian and looking for ways to blow somebody's brains out.


----------



## Jonesey

MattMatt said:


> AID, wanting to do some serious harm to the POSOM is natural. Actually seeking ways to do it is not cool. Get counselling, before you land yourself either in jail for life or on death row. He is not worth that.


Matt it was this guy i was referring to..Seriously disturbing
But he has received TAM´s Free pass
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/56160-56-year-old-wife-sexting-25-year-old-boy.html


----------



## MattMatt

Jonesey said:


> Matt it was this guy i was referring to..Seriously disturbing
> But he has received TAM´s Free pass
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/56160-56-year-old-wife-sexting-25-year-old-boy.html


Ah. Sorry. I see what you mean. 

He didn't get a free pass. Many of us called him on that gun stuff of his.


----------



## Danielfom

^ No, you all need to leave him alone. He either chooses to come back or he doesn't. If he doesn't want to come back here then thats perfectly understandable with how some people here completely Fvcked up his thread and ostracized him with an issue thats beside the point he was asking advice on. 

Honestly what happens with the baby is none of our business. He came here for support on the infidelity, nothing more nothing less. So quite frankly I was appalled to read people taking the rantings a man whose obviously hurting as a serious course of action and bashed him until he left.


And that guy wanting to kill OM is such a beta to near pathetic proportions. Who would honestly Kill a man rather than handle business at home with his wife who was the worst adulterer due to being married? Telling his wife last chance as if she gives a damn. :slap:


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## Jonesey

MattMatt said:


> Ah. Sorry. I see what you mean.
> 
> He didn't get a free pass. Many of us called him on that gun stuff of his.


My apologies Matt. You are right. i stopped reading after a few pages.Could not stomach it..But after you posted that ,i went back and read it..Wow.. Sorry


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## Garage_Widow

Am I Dreaming? said:


> Just an update for everyone.
> 
> I spoke to an attorney yesterday. I asked him what is my shot at full custody and he told me to be honest with me, next to none. There was no way a court would take a newborn away from the mother, especially considering she doesn't have a criminal record or violent history. So now my decision is having to decide how much time and what type of role I want in this child's life (the caveat being of course if she is mine).
> 
> The guy I talked to is a real professional and came highly recommended. I am going to go ahead and pay the retainer and we will file early next week hopefully.
> 
> I'm continuing the process of telling family and friends. I haven't got to telling her family yet. I feel like they will side with her but I think I still need to at least let them know, I'm not the bad guy in this situation. This is so embarrassing and humiliating. I'm getting a lot of sympathy but I just feel pathetic. What does it say about me that my wife had so little respect for me that she would cheat on me when she is the most vulnerable?
> 
> I'm spending the next few days just going through all the options with our daughter. Right now I am heavily leaning towards considering her a lost cause. I'll never be able to be the father I want to be and she deserves. I'll be competing with every scumbag my STBXW dates. I'll have to deal with my **** STBXW for the rest of my life. Its just not worth it.
> 
> If I cut the cord I can move back home. Move on with my life. Hopefully in time meet someone new and have the actual family I want. I'm a finance guy. The child support is a sunk cost. I'm out for it. I don't need to destroy myself emotionally by being a part-time parent with her. I never wanted this. I wanted to be the Daddy that loves his daughter and does everything for her. I don't think I can raise a child with my STBXW.
> 
> Its really been gnawing at me. I'm completely torn. It seems like the best choice is to not be involved but I feel wracked with guilt over the life my little girl is going to have. Its just not fair.


You're right, it's not fair. It's not fair to your daughter. No matter what your wife did, you have no right to do this to your baby. 

This makes you just as bad as your wife, as far as I'm concerned.

I wish I'd never started reading this thread. I feel so bad for what could be YOUR baby.


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## Danielfom

^ He doesn't even post here anymore thanks to that.


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## Shaggy

I think there should be a auto lock on threads after 100 posts since the last OP post. This guy was run off because of one throwaway comment that got jumped on and harped on over and over.

Seriously folks you never said sonething hurtful while you were hurting and trying to deal?


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## Am I Dreaming?

Wow. Thank you to everyone who has continued to support me and advise me. I took a long break from posting because I needed to focus on my situation in real life and wasn't interested in getting into an argument here. I have been reading from time to time and I just finished catching up on the whole thread. Thank You, to everyone for the time, effort, and advice. It means a lot.

Just to provide closure for anyone who was following the thread. Divorce filed and I have moved out of the home. I was not eligible for an annulment. Her baby is due at the end of the month and we will deal with paternity at that point. We are going to challenge it and make sure that its proven before I am responsible for the child. I've made my decision on that front as well. Its not one I came to quickly but I think all things considered its the best choice. I don't think a push-pull between me and my ex for the next 18+ years is healthy for anyone. And I honestly have no ****ing desire to see that woman's face again. 

I'm working on getting a transfer at work and if all goes well I should be out of the State by the end of the year. They have been so understanding with me and I've just thrown myself into work. I was in bad shape a few weeks ago and I had resorted to drinking 3-4x a week. I've woken up though and I am getting myself into a healthier routine. Gym every single day. Staying extra time at work. And its started to pay off. I am in the best shape I've been in physically. Emotionally... not so much but I'm hoping it'll get there. 

I'm no contact with my soon to be ex-wife. She still sends me apologies and messages but I have not responded once in the last 30 days. Something I am proud of. I don't want to get into it with her. She made her decision. Its time for her to deal with the consequences.


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## dogman

Am I Dreaming? said:


> Wow. Thank you to everyone who has continued to support me and advise me. I took a long break from posting because I needed to focus on my situation in real life and wasn't interested in getting into an argument here. I have been reading from time to time and I just finished catching up on the whole thread. Thank You, to everyone for the time, effort, and advice. It means a lot.
> 
> Just to provide closure for anyone who was following the thread. Divorce filed and I have moved out of the home. I was not eligible for an annulment. Her baby is due at the end of the month and we will deal with paternity at that point. We are going to challenge it and make sure that its proven before I am responsible for the child. I've made my decision on that front as well. Its not one I came to quickly but I think all things considered its the best choice. I don't think a push-pull between me and my ex for the next 18+ years is healthy for anyone. And I honestly have no ****ing desire to see that woman's face again.
> 
> I'm working on getting a transfer at work and if all goes well I should be out of the State by the end of the year. They have been so understanding with me and I've just thrown myself into work. I was in bad shape a few weeks ago and I had resorted to drinking 3-4x a week. I've woken up though and I am getting myself into a healthier routine. Gym every single day. Staying extra time at work. And its started to pay off. I am in the best shape I've been in physically. Emotionally... not so much but I'm hoping it'll get there.
> 
> I'm no contact with my soon to be ex-wife. She still sends me apologies and messages but I have not responded once in the last 30 days. Something I am proud of. I don't want to get into it with her. She made her decision. Its time for her to deal with the consequences.


 Nice job pal, she left you no choice. The destruction of the marriage is on her.
Live a long and happy life and start now.

As far as the child...I could say what a lot have said but I'd probably do the same as you.


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## tom67

Thanks for the update it will take some time good luck man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

I doff my hat to you friend. Well played. Now go out and live your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

Good Luck A.ID.

I am sure you have given your decisions serious thought.

Sorry your STBXW turned out to be soo crazy.

Very sad for everyone involved.


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## Shaggy

I think you've made the only sane decision possible.


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## MattMatt

Shaggy said:


> I think you've made the only sane decision possible.


I mean, what else could you have done? 

You were dealt a really, seriously bad hand and ended up if not a winner, well ahead of the game. Sorry! Metaphors went a bit doolally there, but I am sure you know what I thought I was saying!


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## larry.gray

Thanks for the update and best of luck. I think you've done what you have to do after being played a horrible hand.


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## bandit.45

Don't be a stranger. Let us know how you are doing and how the paternity test goes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug

Thanks for the update.

If you could treat us strangers this well by not letting us hang without an update, I am comfortable thinking you would do right for the child if he/she turns out to be yours.

Best wishes to you and do let us know how the paternity test turns out in a couple months.


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## Kasler

Thanks.

You were dealt a crappy hand, but I still hope everything goes well for you.


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## Humble Pie

I commend you on your strength, best of luck with moving back home and getting yourself back together. Thanks for updating us, take care.


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## F-102

Good to hear from you again, AID! Sad, how the WS only sees the damage and destruction when it's too late.


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## Omgitsjoe

Good luck with your future !! Like others have already said you were dealt a difficult and crappy situation but you're handling it as best as you can which is very admirable !!

Continue what you're doing and do let us know what happens with the paternity test and remember that things always happen for a reason !!! Best you found this out than 10 years married with her and 3 children ........ there are a few threads here like this which is so sad  !! 

God Bless !!


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## tonyarz

Good move. I would have bailed also.


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## Deepdivered

I feel sad for what happened to you me and my wide will have been married for three years in a couple days. We have a 9 month old I love her so much. Yes I think family's should try to stay together but this situation is exstream. I can't even say I know the right thing to do. Maybe for now getting away is the best. Who knows maybe when she is older you can come back in some way. My wife never really knew het mom her dad was never much a part of het life and is more a negative. She was raised by her dad's parents. She has cried some about it. But my family took her in and love her. She think of us as her family and has let go of her old family. She is happy. Loves life and is doing great. 

My point is say you go threw with Ur current plan. Wife turns out to be a bad parent. Your girl still can make what she wants out of her life. It will be more challenging ya. But later maybe u can find her and go from there.


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## Machiavelli

Rapid, decisive action = faster healing and retained sanity.


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