# Husband acting off and other weird things



## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Hello I’m new here and I just wanted to see if anyone has any insight on what is going on in my marriage I am very confused and I don’t know who else I can turn to.

My husband and I have been married for 26 years with two grown children and as of recently at the age of 48 I found out that he is consistently having people that he has no business befriending on social media. I found this out because I started looking at who his followers and who he is following which I never did for so many years now but for some reason some thing prompted me to just take a look and so I find out there’s a specific woman although I don’t think he really knows her apart from social media but he is Liking all her swimsuit and questionable photos on Instagram. Now while this can be very innocent I just don’t know why when I confronted him about it he seems a bit shocked. Later because this woman has a mutual friend that I know I found out that my husband messaged this woman through Instagram only to say hi to the mutual friend.. I dont understand why he did this — why go through another woman only to say hello to our friend … and why choose this woman who we have mutual friends with ?? when I asked my husband he says it’s nothing but very dismissive . Tells me it’s nothing

Long story short we talked it over and supposedly he’s deleted a lot over 100 questionable friends he has on social media meaning women, I am now stuck with this doubt in my mind because for 26 years I have never found any reason to doubt him. And all of a sudden I don’t know if this is a midlife crisis but something is going on..He’s been hot and cold with me the past week we’ve tried fixing our relationship by spending more time together and he’s been responsive all of a sudden he’s not, I don’t know what is going on I don’t even know if I’m over reacting at this point or is there just cause that I am really Confused what’s happening. Half the time it seems that I am trying to work things out and he is just trying to find reasons to blame me for him not acting normal I don’t know what to do anymore.I don’t want to give up on the marriage but I know left paranoid what else I don’t know about him after 26 years.

recently hes been acting cold despite my attempts to rekindle our relationship and making time just for us .. whenever I come close he would move and avoid contact … And again when I asked what was wrong he would turn it around and get mad at me for questioning because he kept saying nothing is wrong, what is going on I feel like I don’t know whether it’s just me or is there a really something brewing behind the scenes


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Hello I am new here and I just wanted to ask what your opinion is about midlife crisis. My husband has recently shown signs of being a midlife crisis, recently just due to pure instinct I checked on his social media account online and found that he has friended so many questionable females , questionable as in all the posts were bikini shots and they were probably not much older than our daughter.

I confronted him about this and of course he turned it back around saying that it’s my fault that I’m not giving him enough attention and on top of that he’s been acting really weird and being hot and cold with me for several weeks now. We’ve discussed this in team to what I thought was an agreement of trying to work things out after much discussion in pain, then I find out that he is engaging in more discussions on private messages specifically one person that I know of and he claims that it’s nothing and again shift the blame on me when I try to pursue questioning it he says I’m over reacting and it’s nothing.

I know these are clear signs of someone cheating but I have no further proof so I can’t accuse him any further, but emotionally he hasn’t been there and every time I try to ask him what’s wrong he always turns it back to me with some thing I did.

We have been married for 26 years and there was never in my mind through that time to doubt him or wonder about what he’s doing and all of a sudden he’s changed into a person and I don’t even recognize he’s always wanting to do things without me he’s only worried about me giving him a hard time about going out, and it seems very little remorse as to how I feel when he makes me upset. After all this time I don’t just want to give up on the relationship because I do still care for him sincerely,

This whole midlife crisis thing I don’t know whether it’s a phase or not or whether it goes away but I can’t even reach him rationally to try and make things work he’s always so snippy and quick to blame me for everything I don’t know what to do.

Would appreciate anyone’s insight on what’s going on because I am terribly confused


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

He's obviously trying to talk to that one woman. As for the others, guys like hot women but following a bunch of insta-thots on social is not how a married man should act.

So obviously you guys married young. Empty nesters now, if so how long? How has the marriage been? Is it possible he was just buying his time until the kids were grown?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Savannah01 said:


> recently hes been acting cold despite my attempts to rekindle our relationship and making time just for us


Was there a period where it was cold and you didn’t have time for each other? When and how long was that?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Definitely some behavioral red flags here. I would stop accusing for now but be very attentive to what he does.

Do you have access to his phone records online? Have you looked through his phone thoroughly at messaging and to see what apps have messaging ability?

Hard to tell if there is more to this, but it seems like it was many women, like he was fishing for one to bite.... I doubt this happened overnight...


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Savannah01 said:


> Hello I’m new here and I just wanted to see if anyone has any insight on what is going on in my marriage I am very confused and I don’t know who else I can turn to.
> My husband and I have been married for 26 years with two grown children and as of recently at the age of 48 I found out that he is consistently having people that he has no business befriending on social media. I found this out because I started looking at who his followers and who he is following which I never did for so many years now but for some reason some thing prompted me to just take a look and so I find out there’s a specific woman although I don’t think he really knows her apart from social media but he is Liking all her swimsuit and questionable photos on Instagram. Now while this can be very innocent I just don’t know why when I confronted him about it he seems a bit shocked. Later because this woman has a mutual friend that I know I found out that my husband messaged this woman through Instagram only to say hi to the mutual friend.. I dont understand why he did this — why go through another woman only to say hello to our friend … and why choose this woman who we have mutual friends with ?? when I asked my husband he says it’s nothing but very dismissive . Tells me it’s nothing
> Long story short we talked it over and supposedly he’s deleted a lot over 100 questionable friends he has on social media meaning women, I am now stuck with this doubt in my mind because for 26 years I have never found any reason to doubt him. And all of a sudden I don’t know if this is a midlife crisis but something is going on..He’s been hot and cold with me the past week we’ve tried fixing our relationship by spending more time together and he’s been responsive all of a sudden he’s not, I don’t know what is going on I don’t even know if I’m over reacting at this point or is there just cause that I am really Confused what’s happening. Half the time it seems that I am trying to work things out and he is just trying to find reasons to blame me for him not acting normal I don’t know what to do anymore.I don’t want to give up on the marriage but I know left paranoid what else I don’t know about him after 26 years.
> recently hes been acting cold despite my attempts to rekindle our relationship and making time just for us .. whenever I come close he would move and avoid contact … And again when I asked what was wrong he would turn it around and get mad at me for questioning because he kept saying nothing is wrong, what is going on I feel like I don’t know whether it’s just me or is there a really something brewing behind the scenes


He is full of it. He was trying to get the attention of this woman, by claiming to say hi to the friend. It's one thing to like pictures, but it's entirely different if you message someone. Even if he wasn't asking her out, he was def trying to get her attention. He is hot and cold because he feels stupid and guilty, and doesn't know how to interact with you now that he has been caught. Make sure you make it clear that you are not stupid, and continue to keep yourself posted on his social media actions.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He married young and now he’s wondering what he’s missed. Not all who marry young do that but some do. The question is will he recommit to you — and mean it — now that he knows that you know.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Is he Mick Jagger or George Clooney??

If not, he has a better chance of getting killed by a meteor than scoring with any of them.

I’d be more worried about him sending them money.

A lot of these chicks aren’t even flesh and blood people. A lot of them are scammers in other countries trying to bilk stupid men out of money.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

We very rarely know someone as well as we think. People are capable of hiding more than we ever imagined. I was married for decades before I finally ended it and there were many things my husband did that I would have sworn he never would.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Thank you , I really didn’t buy the excuse he gave but he was fully throwing blame back at me for this and it’s horrible , now I feel suspicious and I’m not even that person … I’m trying to figure out if there’s more to this hence his odd behavior as well


GC1234 said:


> He is full of it. He was trying to get the attention of this woman, by claiming to say hi to the friend. It's one thing to like pictures, but it's entirely different if you message someone. Even if he wasn't asking her out, he was def trying to get her attention. He is hot and cold because he feels stupid and guilty, and doesn't know how to interact with you now that he has been caught. Make sure you make it clear that you are not stupid, and continue to keep yourself posted on his social media actions.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Openminded said:


> He married young and now he’s wondering what he’s missed. Not all who marry young do that but some do. The question is will he recommit to you — and mean it — now that he knows that you know.


Yes we married quite young and at this point I can’t even tell whether this is his natural tendencies given the situation or that this is his midlife crisis ? It hurtful after all this time and now I am that insecure person I was never before


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

It’s a bit jarring to learn after all this time of not worrying about him … I find myself suspicious every time he picks up his phone , suspicious of who he will be with … I’ve turned into someone I’ve never been and I am not sure how to even move on past it


Openminded said:


> We very rarely know someone as well as we think. People are capable of hiding more than we ever imagined. I was married more than 45 years before I finally ended it and there were many things my husband did that I would have sworn he never would.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Never confront when you are suspicious about the actions of your spouse towards another individual.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Trident said:


> Never confront when you are suspicious about the actions of your spouse towards another individual.


Yeah I kind of did , only to find he’s got tons of people he follows on social media whom no married man should — I know they are random people but finding he is liking their Bikini posts and then swinging it back at me that it’s my fault …


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> Hello I’m new here and I just wanted to see if anyone has any insight on what is going on in my marriage I am very confused and I don’t know who else I can turn to.
> My husband and I have been married for 26 years with two grown children and as of recently at the age of 48 I found out that he is consistently having people that he has no business befriending on social media. I found this out because I started looking at who his followers and who he is following which I never did for so many years now but for some reason some thing prompted me to just take a look and so I find out there’s a specific woman although I don’t think he really knows her apart from social media but he is Liking all her swimsuit and questionable photos on Instagram. Now while this can be very innocent I just don’t know why when I confronted him about it he seems a bit shocked. Later because this woman has a mutual friend that I know I found out that my husband messaged this woman through Instagram only to say hi to the mutual friend.. I dont understand why he did this — why go through another woman only to say hello to our friend … and why choose this woman who we have mutual friends with ?? when I asked my husband he says it’s nothing but very dismissive . Tells me it’s nothing
> Long story short we talked it over and supposedly he’s deleted a lot over 100 questionable friends he has on social media meaning women, I am now stuck with this doubt in my mind because for 26 years I have never found any reason to doubt him. And all of a sudden I don’t know if this is a midlife crisis but something is going on..He’s been hot and cold with me the past week we’ve tried fixing our relationship by spending more time together and he’s been responsive all of a sudden he’s not, I don’t know what is going on I don’t even know if I’m over reacting at this point or is there just cause that I am really Confused what’s happening. Half the time it seems that I am trying to work things out and he is just trying to find reasons to blame me for him not acting normal I don’t know what to do anymore.I don’t want to give up on the marriage but I know left paranoid what else I don’t know about him after 26 years.
> recently hes been acting cold despite my attempts to rekindle our relationship and making time just for us .. whenever I come close he would move and avoid contact … And again when I asked what was wrong he would turn it around and get mad at me for questioning because he kept saying nothing is wrong, what is going on I feel like I don’t know whether it’s just me or is there a really something brewing behind the scenes


For reference, I'm 50 and married 31 years. There was a time not that long ago that I was following some models on Instagram and Twitter. They were pretty to look at isabout all I can say. I never knew any of them though. I think my wife was aware of what I was looking at. I never tried to hide it, because there wasn't anything to hide. That went on for a few months and I finally questioned myself doing this and decided it was a bad idea. I unfollowed everyone and I delete both apps. 

If it wasn't for the fact that your husband had some actual connection to the person you are talking about I would say don't worry about it. However, the personal connection, even just as a friend of a friend, is a concern. Being distant and avoiding contact are also major concerns. Do you think that behavior is all due to you confronting him about his social media use? My wife and I have 100% access to all of our phones, tablets, etc., so we are both an open book. That has always been our policy with everything since day one. Our personal email is even shared. It isn't like that because we don't trust each other, we simply believe that is the way marriage is supposed to work. Will your husband give you full access to his accounts, and you to him?

The distance and avoiding contact is a real concern. I would suggest using a different approach since simply asking what is wrong doesn't seem to be working. Maybe tell him you know he says nothing is wrong, but from you point of view you feel like he has been acting cold to the point of avoiding contact with him. Remind him that you love him, have been married to him for 26 years and you sense he may need help with something. 

If you are really concern that he is cheating you will want to do some digging. Look at phone records for numbers that are frequently called/text. If you have access to his phone, etc. look at activity on other apps and look for questionable apps. Odds are if he were cheating and he gave you access he either wiped it clean or is really dumb, or it means he isn't cheating and isn't trying to hide anything.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Yes you totally did and it got you nowhere and his secrets are even more buried than they were before now that he knows you're watching him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Savannah01 said:


> It’s a bit jarring to learn after all this time of not worrying about him … I find myself suspicious every time he picks up his phone , suspicious of who he will be with … I’ve turned into someone I’ve never been and I am not sure how to even move on past it


I married very young also and thought I knew my husband well. It’s a tough life when you live with suspicions.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

Hey @Savannah01 as @re16 stated above if you truly suspect anything now that he has been alerted, I would lay low and monitor his social media and other actions. If you have access to phone records, email, etc. if you see some calls to a number you don't know then I would look at VAR in the car. I would not say anything else until you find something definite. If he is doing something he don't want you to know about if you keep confronting or questioning he will just go more underground and make it harder to discover. Hopefully its nothing. Best of luck!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Some men and women like to feed their egos on social media by seeing how much attention (and sexting, photos, etc.) they get. They are looking for validation that they are still hot and desirable. The fact this is a connected friend in real life is very troubling because that being the case, it's entirely possible they have met up or that he is still hoping she will. Men don't just shoot the s**t with women online who are putting up sexy photos because they're interested in their bachelor's degree. They are interested sexually. If I were you, I'd start by getting on her Instagram on the photos he "liked" and putting a big "frowny face" on them to send her a message. And then she'll block you, but who cares. Maybe you'll get lucky and she'll block your IP, which is also his IP. I doubt it, but what have you got to lose.

He got caught. He knows he was looking and being shady. Don't let him gaslight you and make you think this is YOUR fault for him flirting and trying to cheat.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

The fact he thinks he can slide into one of these girl's DMs and get somewhere shows his lack of experience. If he is trying to do something, it won't be hard to catch him. If you know this girl he was trying to contact, maybe see if she'd be willing to chat him up to see what would happen. I'm pretty sure he'd fall for it.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Unfortunately I do not have access to his phone but we have never made our phones open in that sense ever cents so we would be a bit difficult for me to try and ask for passwords now. He did and follow over 100 questionable people after I confronted him he took it off both his Instagram and Facebook but needless to say he doesn’t stop anyone from sending messages or doing lakes because I won’t necessarily see those right? I am actually very open to something like this I have never been one to be jealous or think anything of it especially if he doesn’t hide it but the mere fact that he even hit this and when confronted just told me it just happened and he didn’t know why he followed the person leaves me to think you do know you just don’t want to answer. In the bad part is that he’s caught red-handed with all these facts and he doesn’t even shed an ounce of remorse or apologize maybe it’s a guy thing that he doesn’t want to admit to being caught but he sure is turning it around like everything is because of me and it’s my fault because I’m not giving him enough attention, and since then we’ve been trying to work it out and I’ve actually been more attentive towards him and now I find that all of a sudden he’s shying away for me giving the attention I thought that was his whole deal with me and then now I’m giving too much? So I don’t know what is really happening behind all this I know what I know because I found out about it but I have the sinking feeling there is more to it.
I may have to do a lot more digging because clearly now he’s going to be more careful about things if in fact that is the case. But honestly I think this is just a case of him and his midlife issues and wanting to act like he’s free to do anything he wants without anyone telling him he can’t he is more so concerned right now about going out or hanging out with friends then he is being logical about what he’s doing it’s like I’m talking to someone I don’t even know it’s like he’s possessed!I don’t know what’s happening and why this is all just out of nowhere I am caught off guard and this is unlike him for me to even worry about to begin with so needless to say I am stumped and confused over what is going on. Of course I still care about him I always dead it’s never been an issue for me and I don’t know what’s happening that he’s turning this around like I’m such a bad person it’s like he’s complaining about everything that I am out of the blue he saying all kinds of things like I’m holding him back, I’m always mad if he goes out, I’m not being unreasonable I’m just being well what a wife would be like obviously if you’re married, You can’t just act as if your actions I am not being monitored you have to answer to your spouse in whatever you’re doing I’m not saying he can’t do anything on his own I’m just saying he’s acting as if he’s a single person and that hit me from left field I don’t even know what to say or how that came about but here we are


BigDaddyNY said:


> For reference, I'm 50 and married 31 years. There was a time not that long ago that I was following some models on Instagram and Twitter. They were pretty to look at isabout all I can say. I never knew any of them though. I think my wife was aware of what I was looking at. I never tried to hide it, because there wasn't anything to hide. That went on for a few months and I finally questioned myself doing this and decided it was a bad idea. I unfollowed everyone and I delete both apps.
> 
> If it wasn't for the fact that your husband had some actual connection to the person you are talking about I would say don't worry about it. However, the personal connection, even just as a friend of a friend, is a concern. Being distant and avoiding contact are also major concerns. Do you think that behavior is all due to you confronting him about his social media use? My wife and I have 100% access to all of our phones, tablets, etc., so we are both an open book. That has always been our policy with everything since day one. Our personal email is even shared. It isn't like that because we don't trust each other, we simply believe that is the way marriage is supposed to work. Will your husband give you full access to his accounts, and you to him?
> 
> ...


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

I only know her because we have a common friend which I even think it’s pretty gutsy of my husband to try and get with this woman when she and I have a common friend together 

he was actually trying to say hi to our friend through this woman’s DM which is ridiculous and he had no explanation about it like he was unconscious when it happened and since then he just doesn’t even own up to what he did and every time I try to bring it up he turns things around and totally gaslights me into thinking that it’s me that has the issue that’s why he was that way so you see, even if it’s not this girl there is something clearly going on that I can’t put my finger on it , but he’s been acting so off lately just okay one minute the next he can’t even sit next to me without scooting over like I’m contagious!
And when I ask him about that he then just tells me that I’m over analyzing things, I really think there’s a lot going on but he will never admit it being he’s not even admitting to the one when I actually caught him doing so I don’t know I’m kind of in a loss what I can do I have no real proof but my gut feeling is there and that’s how I caught him the first time about this whole social media thing


Al_Bundy said:


> The fact he thinks he can slide into one of these girl's DMs and get somewhere shows his lack of experience. If he is trying to do something, it won't be hard to catch him. If you know this girl he was trying to contact, maybe see if she'd be willing to chat him up to see what would happen. I'm pretty sure he'd fall for it.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Thank you, actually there was this instance that he was talking about me and that he likes me for the way I look I am not 20 years old and I didn’t get my body bought from a medical doctor so no I am not the Instagram girl that he is liking but he tells me the other day that he likes me for the way I am because he’s not shallow that way, and at the same time, In my head but the people you are liking and clearly this one woman that you keep liking her posts enough to DM her does not look anything like me I look the way I am because I am the mother of your two children and here you are lying to me while you’re liking someone else behind my back whether that’s innocent or not it’s still inappropriate because why is he feeding that woman’s ego or his ego and get stomping on mine?


DownByTheRiver said:


> Some men and women like to feed their egos on social media by seeing how much attention (and sexting, photos, etc.) they get. They are looking for validation that they are still hot and desirable. The fact this is a connected friend in real life is very troubling because that being the case, it's entirely possible they have met up or that he is still hoping she will. Men don't just shoot the s**t with women online who are putting up sexy photos because they're interested in their bachelor's degree. They are interested sexually. If I were you, I'd start by getting on her Instagram on the photos he "liked" and putting a big "frowny face" on them to send her a message. And then she'll block you, but who cares. Maybe you'll get lucky and she'll block your IP, which is also his IP. I doubt it, but what have you got to lose.
> 
> He got caught. He knows he was looking and being shady. Don't let him gaslight you and make you think this is YOUR fault for him flirting and trying to cheat.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Thank you happily, unfortunately I have no access to his phone or his emails you know it’s really been our thing to make that a sense of privacy between us ever since we got together so it’s never been some thing we needed to do well at least I thought I needed to do, so if anything like you said it will be hard to fine because he already knows I’m watching him on social media although this would not stop him from liking because I won’t necessarily see those nor DM‘s I won’t see those either. 
I will lay low and just listen and watch and see where it goes he’s not the most savvy person on the computer so I imagine not hiding over 100 people he followed with nothing but selfies of bikini shots and he left them on his social media for me to see what type of people they are just means he isn’t expecting me to really know, except now of course he’s deleted all of them and so far keeping everything under control so it’ll be a task to be able to figure out a way to catch him again and that’s to say that this is social media stuff it’s not even other things like people he works with people he hangs out with anything like that that’s a whole other story that I don’t know anything about because I haven’t caught him on that note, so now I am this suspicious person on top of feeling so betrayed because he would rather look at other women in that sense well telling me I’m perfectly fine the way I am? I don’t know how I’m going to do this but I just have this strange sinking feeling there’s more to this than what I have already uncovered I hope I can find out more eventually.


HappilyMarried1 said:


> Hey @Savannah01 as @re16 stated above if you truly suspect anything now that he has been alerted, I would lay low and monitor his social media and other actions. If you have access to phone records, email, etc. if you see some calls to a number you don't know then I would look at VAR in the car. I would not say anything else until you find something definite. If he is doing something he don't want you to know about if you keep confronting or questioning he will just go more underground and make it harder to discover. Hopefully its nothing. Best of luck!


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

To be honest after I confronted him about this whole social media thing and he turned everything around he threaten for a divorce saying that you know it’s me and everything wrong was about me, again I was caught off guard where this came from we aren’t perfect couple and we’ve always had issues because we married so young but never to the point where he would wave around divorce. Our eldest is out of the house but I still have our 20 year old living with us so we’re not completely empty-nesters but I guess he’s kind of jumping the gun and thinking it’s that way anyway?? He claims that it’s nothing with that woman that there wasn’t anything going on and yet couldn’t explain why he DM through this woman he just says he doesn’t know why it happened it just happened that way which is a bunch of BS in my opinion.
It’s as if he’s drawing every argument we ever had in our lifetime or in the course of our 26 year marriage and bringing them out now as a legit reason to quit on the marriage. I don’t know why he’s doing this out of the blue in my opinion he’s whining some sort of freedom from marriage or freedom., And now he has the guts to do it because the kids are older and he doesn’t feel that he needs to stay in this relationship, it’s sad but I feel likeMaybe I am the only one invested in this from the start that I may not have known him the way I thought that I did, it’s such a blow to my on self-worth and I don’t know what to do anymore


Al_Bundy said:


> He's obviously trying to talk to that one woman. As for the others, guys like hot women but following a bunch of insta-thots on social is not how a married man should act.
> 
> So obviously you guys married young. Empty nesters now, if so how long? How has the marriage been? Is it possible he was just buying his time until the kids were grown?


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> I only know her because we have a common friend which I even think it’s pretty gutsy of my husband to try and get with this woman when she and I have a common friend together
> 
> he was actually trying to say hi to our friend through this woman’s DM which is ridiculous and he had no explanation about it like he was unconscious when it happened and since then he just doesn’t even own up to what he did and every time I try to bring it up he turns things around and totally gaslights me into thinking that it’s me that has the issue that’s why he was that way so you see, even if it’s not this girl there is something clearly going on that I can’t put my finger on it , but he’s been acting so off lately just okay one minute the next he can’t even sit next to me without scooting over like I’m contagious!
> And when I ask him about that he then just tells me that I’m over analyzing things, I really think there’s a lot going on but he will never admit it being he’s not even admitting to the one when I actually caught him doing so I don’t know I’m kind of in a loss what I can do I have no real proof but my gut feeling is there and that’s how I caught him the first time about this whole social media thing


I'm sure she's not the only woman he's messaged. What he probably doesn't realize is his message was probably one of a hundred she got that day. She knew why he was messaging her and probably laughed at him. Some women look for guys like him and get them to send them money or buy them gifts. I'd take a glance at the bank records to see if there's anything odd, look at the reoccurring charges too.

I don't think he's done anything yet, but it's not because of a lack of trying. 

The hardest part is you can never truly know what is going on in someone else's head and what kind of stories they have been telling themselves. From some of your other posts it sounds like has a lot of pent up resentment towards you. Who knows why and for how long this has been building up.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Savannah01,

I merged your two threads. It's best to have one thread for a topic. 

Also I edited your post to put white space between paragraphs to make them easier to read.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

The cold. Has been on and off for months even before me discovering this on social media which is what prompted me to look into it because I just had that odd feeling something was there he would just acts so indifferent with me and all of a sudden criticizing everything I did in at some point even how I looked, what I was wearing, he just look like he was so over me and then he would act fine the next minute it was like I don’t know I mean honestly he even admitted to me that because I wasn’t giving him much attention that it was better to talk to these people so he says because he gets more attention and at this point I didn’t even know what to say because to be honest I’ve been ill for the last year trying to figure out my own health and from the start of that he’s already acted indifferent he wasn’t supportive he wasn’t asking me how I felt, in fact it was like I was dragging him down by being sick and come to think of it that’s kind of when this probably all began it’s like with his midlife maybe he’s questioning his own mortality and me being sick isn’t helping — 
I have since recovered from my illness and is not impeding on my health anymore and when he found out about this then he started acting OK again it’s almost as if it’s like he just dumped me on the side because I was sick and he was on to looking for whoever was going to bike with his little social media antics it’s very frustrating and it saddens me that after 26 years having been sick showed me what type of person he is I wasn’t even terminally ill and he already dumped me on the side what more if it were?


ccpowerslave said:


> Was there a period where it was cold and you didn’t have time for each other? When and how long was that?


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Yes, he does have a lot of resentment towards me mainly because I guess I act like a wife and I wonder where he’s going again and why he spending more time with other people rather than his family this has always been an ongoing issue with us because he would take time to hang out with friends his family but I would have to beg for time for him to take me and my family out on anything remotely resembling a family time together.

I mention just now on another response a year ago I was diagnosed with an illness that was curable but it did keep me from being myself I was so fatigued I was so out of myself and just hopeless, and as soon as that happened he was always so irritable about me being sick instead of really being there for me or even having some sort of compassion over the way I felt every day he was more so irritated that I wasn’t feeling well, and I assume this is probably when he started messaging these women or whatever it is that he’s doing.

yes with that specific girl it might be nothing and he might have even gotten laughed at for what he did because clearly that woman knows that he’s married and he’s creeping on her DM‘s to talk to her, but I don’t know if he has the guts to do that who’s to say he’s not already doing it with other people messaging flirting I don’t know all I know is that he’s been acting so cold recently even after we tried to discuss to fix it he was fine for a few days and up until last night again he was so cold.
I tried to sit by him to just sit close to him and he did a kind of scoot like he didn’t want me to come close that was kind of an odd feeling that it gave me and when I asked him what the problem was all he told me was that it was warm he was feeling warm and he didn’t want to be that close, which I was sitting next to him I wasn’t draped over him for him to feel warm so I’m getting so much mixed signals I don’t knowWhere to begin


Al_Bundy said:


> I'm sure she's not the only woman he's messaged. What he probably doesn't realize is his message was probably one of a hundred she got that day. She knew why he was messaging her and probably laughed at him. Some women look for guys like him and get them to send them money or buy them gifts. I'd take a glance at the bank records to see if there's anything odd, look at the reoccurring charges too.
> 
> I don't think he's done anything yet, but it's not because of a lack of trying.
> 
> The hardest part is you can never truly know what is going on in someone else's head and what kind of stories they have been telling themselves. From some of your other posts it sounds like has a lot of pent up resentment towards you. Who knows why and for how long this has been building up.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Hmm… well I’m glad I asked because it seems like it resulted in some useful thoughts.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Hmm… well I’m glad I asked because it seems like it resulted in some useful thoughts.


I don’t even know where to go from here .. he tells me these things are nothing and yet his actions speak differently .
I can’t confront him further cause he’s on total defense mode , and he will just bounce it all back at this rate 
I figure lay low and see where it goes ? I don’t honestly know


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> Thank you happily, unfortunately I have no access to his phone or his emails you know it’s really been our thing to make that a sense of privacy between us ever since we got together so it’s never been some thing we needed to do well at least I thought I needed to do, so if anything like you said it will be hard to fine because he already knows I’m watching him on social media although this would not stop him from liking because I won’t necessarily see those nor DM‘s I won’t see those either.
> I will lay low and just listen and watch and see where it goes he’s not the most savvy person on the computer so I imagine not hiding over 100 people he followed with nothing but selfies of bikini shots and he left them on his social media for me to see what type of people they are just means he isn’t expecting me to really know, except now of course he’s deleted all of them and so far keeping everything under control so it’ll be a task to be able to figure out a way to catch him again and that’s to say that this is social media stuff it’s not even other things like people he works with people he hangs out with anything like that that’s a whole other story that I don’t know anything about because I haven’t caught him on that note, so now I am this suspicious person on top of feeling so betrayed because he would rather look at other women in that sense well telling me I’m perfectly fine the way I am? I don’t know how I’m going to do this but I just have this strange sinking feeling there’s more to this than what I have already uncovered I hope I can find out more eventually.



If he is not very computer savvy besides the advice I gave about the VAR for his car. You might look into a keystroke (keyboard capturing) A *keystroke recorder* or *keylogger* can be either software or hardware, on his computer and you will be able to see everything he types. Hope this helps.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

I follow a number of feeds that post scantily clad younger women. Men are visual and enjoy looking. It really says nothing about my partner, my commitment to her, etc. 

That being said, the DM to the friend of a friend is an (amateur) attempt to open a line of contact. That and the cold / distant behavior are the worrisome issues here. Trust your gut. Get access to his phone; it has all the answers.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

HappilyMarried1 said:


> If he is not very computer savvy besides the advice I gave about the VAR for his car. You might look into a keystroke (keyboard capturing) A *keystroke recorder* or *keylogger* can be either software or hardware, on his computer and you will be able to see everything he types. Hope this helps.


This would be awesome unfortunately he does all his social media on his phone , I have no way to further know what he does on that unless I have clear view of his cell phone , which I don’t … what is a VAR ? sorry not familiar on what it is


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

You can't forgive what you don't know, so don't even think of forgiving him for any of this yet as you likely know the tip of the iceberg only.

His very strong reaction to being called out on this, including the blame-shifting to you being at fault and threatening divorce is a classic cheater type response.

His lack of empathy for you in a time of need with a health issue is also telling.... he is operating in an un-empathetic and selfish way. This likely applies to everything he does.

I would have a different response to my spouse threatening divorce when they got caught doing something inappropriate, I'm curious as to why you haven't stood up for yourself.... do you have an income? Would a divorce be more difficult for you than him?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Savannah01 said:


> This would be awesome unfortunately he does all his social media on his phone , I have no way to further know what he does on that unless I have clear view of his cell phone , which I don’t … what is a VAR ? sorry not familiar on what it is


VAR = voice activated recorder. Search for weightlifter's thread, he explains which ones are good and why.

You can get them at best buy, and they record when voices are heard...


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

I'm glad your health is better now. He showed his true colors when you were sick. It's sad, it probably felt like he was kicking you when you were down. To me that's the issue, not saying the social media thing isn't serious. But hell, I guess he forgot the "in sickness and in health" part of the vows.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> This would be awesome unfortunately he does all his social media on his phone , I have no way to further know what he does on that unless I have clear view of his cell phone , which I don’t … what is a VAR ? sorry not familiar on what it is


 It stands for Voice Activated Recorder. People usually get and hide under the seat in the car to record conversations Also if he uses his phone for everything you might try the following.

*mSpy* – a popular and simple app that works as a useful text message spy. It’s easy to download and use; it gives you a simple possibility to track both phone and Internet activities. With this service, users would never understand they are under control.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Yes I do have my own income . I guess I have stood up for myself in a way but hard for me to contemplate ending the marriage , it’s just very difficult for me to accept it at the moment but I am realizing what he’s been doing are indeed classic tell signs that something else is going on — which of course he isn’t even admitting to 

I don’t know why I’m have a difficult time accepting it and telling him to screw it ! I guess after 26 yes married and 30 together I am still in dis belief this is happening to me , to us


re16 said:


> You can't forgive what you don't know, so don't even think of forgiving him for any of this yet as you likely know the tip of the iceberg only.
> 
> His very strong reaction to being called out on this, including the blame-shifting to you being at fault and threatening divorce is a classic cheater type response.
> 
> ...


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

HappilyMarried1 said:


> It stands for Voice Activated Recorder. People usually get and hide under the seat in the car to record conversations Also if he uses his phone for everything you might try the following.
> 
> *mSpy* – a popular and simple app that works as a useful text message spy. It’s easy to download and use; it gives you a simple possibility to track both phone and Internet activities. With this service, users would never understand they are under control.


The recorder might be hard he’s a car guy and is intensely cleaning his car , I could not get away with that but the mspy I will look into .
I just have the oddest feeling still even after that who social media thing , I feel there is more to this than I know


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> I'm glad your health is better now. He showed his true colors when you were sick. It's sad, it probably felt like he was kicking you when you were down. To me that's the issue, not saying the social media thing isn't serious. But hell, I guess he forgot the "in sickness and in health" part of the vows.


Yes exactly , this is suppose to be the person I’m growing old with ?? How ?? The illness was temporary and not life threatening , already he saw me as a drag in his life … much more if it were serious ?! I felt very sad to realize what kind of man he is , and after everything we went through he couldn’t even give me any compassion for feeling sick every day , barely able to get through a day without pain , he would literally pass me by and go on with his day .
He would even get annoyed if he sees me having a hard time , like I want to feel miserable ??
It’s very disappointing


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

My actual worry now is me finding out about that DM was purely by instinct to check but I still don’t know if there are others or what else he’s been up to — sadly I have no access to his phone . He’s very protective over it hence my suspicion overall. I know he looks at women on Instagram and he would even show them to me I. The past but to try and communicate through someone’s DM ??? why the balls to do it all of a sudden ?? 
there’s something more to this than I can see !


OnTheRocks said:


> I follow a number of feeds that post scantily clad younger women. Men are visual and enjoy looking. It really says nothing about my partner, my commitment to her, etc.
> 
> That being said, the DM to the friend of a friend is an (amateur) attempt to open a line of contact. That and the cold / distant behavior are the worrisome issues here. Trust your gut. Get access to his phone; it has all the answers.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

HappilyMarried1 said:


> It stands for Voice Activated Recorder. People usually get and hide under the seat in the car to record conversations Also if he uses his phone for everything you might try the following.
> 
> *mSpy* – a popular and simple app that works as a useful text message spy. It’s easy to download and use; it gives you a simple possibility to track both phone and Internet activities. With this service, users would never understand they are under control.


I tried getting mspy but you need access to the phone or his iCloud which I don’t ! 
im going insane trying to figure out how to to the bottom of a this , I just know he is hiding more than I know for sure !
I just can’t find solid proof yet .


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

3 things stand out:

1. Didn’t enjoy family life, but happy with others
2. Angry at an unwell spouse (how was he towards the kids when they were sick?) and making it about how your illness was affecting him. (Because you’re not as available to strike his ego and clean his house)
3. Lots of random strangers online, a whole fantasy social life if you call it. 

Was he always socially awkward? A little off?

Sounds like you would be better off without him heading into old age. You don’t want to become seriously unwell and have him dump you at your worst. Because your kids will have their own families soon, and nobody will be able to see how he treats you anymore. 

I would start by building up a constant support network of friends and family. Don’t press for anymore details and start to detach. He may just decide if he wants to spend time with you (good sign). Still, I would really start preparing for a future without him. 

Very concerning is point 2, how he reacted when you were unwell. Classic lack of empathy. He probably enjoyed what marriage entailed, and was looking for a new maid, but too stupid to realise the social-media ladies don’t have much time for that, and will need a sugar daddy. Given his nature, he’ll do that for a bit and turn on her faster than he turned on you. He will drag you down financially, lean on your friends and family. He’s a bit of a lost cause… and I’d say he always was. You were probably definitely the better half. Don’t let him tell you otherwise, especially now. This is also an attempt to drive you crazy. A funny Russian lady used to tell me mid-life men did this in the hope the wives would go crazy and die!! So put the crazy where it belongs and do not lose your sanity like this. Silly fool! Ransoms on social media, uff!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> I tried getting mspy but you need access to the phone or his iCloud which I don’t !
> im going insane trying to figure out how to to the bottom of a this , I just know he is hiding more than I know for sure !
> I just can’t find solid proof yet .


How has your sex life been? Did it drop off suddenly at some point? Changes in sex life is often a sign of getting it from another source.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

If you want to save this thing, you have to be ready to lose it. The spouse who cares the least about the marriage continuing has the control... you are experiencing that now as he threatened to divorce and you retreated. Next time he says that, calmly call his bluff and say "ok - lets do it".

At some point, you need to demand access to his phone, at that moment. If he refuses, you have your answer. Phone guarding is a major red flag. It is happening specifically to deceive you, and only you.

I know its tough after so many years, but its time to believe what your eyes are seeing. There may have been something subconsciously in you that was avoiding all this for a long time.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> 3 things stand out:
> 
> 1. Didn’t enjoy family life, but happy with others
> 2. Angry at an unwell spouse (how was he towards the kids when they were sick?) and making it about how your illness was affecting him. (Because you’re not as available to strike his ego and clean his house)
> ...


Thank you so much Lucky this brought such a smile in my face, yes you’re absolutely right on all points noted above the fact that he is totally non-empathetic with me being sick only raises an even higher doubt and questionable character doesn’t it? I hate to say it but last night I could not sleep and started digging around again and found more photos that he liked on Instagram and yes all of them are scantily clad women they’re not necessarily theseFamous Instagram girls but more like normal girls that had makeovers on their body you can tell, and some of them even have children but show lack of husbands it’s almost like he’s looking for those single people with that divorce I don’t know what the idea is?
I am trying my hardest to just be silent even after finding these new photos I don’t have as much hard evidence of what’s happening but I know something is happening in the background I just don’t have any proof at the moment.
This is a complete change of character from what he was years ago he’s never like this with me nor with the children he’s always been a great provider and really a great person I don’t know what happened all of a sudden he turned into a 13 year old irrational boy!
Nothing I’ve been saying or doing he is agreeing on everything that I tell him that he’s been doing wrong to me or towards me he’s deflecting back that I am the cause of it because I am this or I didn’t do enough of that it’s not the truth and I know that but it’s still very damaging for my ego as a wife not so much as a person but that I thought this was the person that supposed to love me regardless. I guess not 
And I see your point of preparing myself for whatever comes this way because at the end of the day I can’t really stop in if that’s what he wants right? I guess I’m just so caught off guard that I am so dumbfounded!
Currently we are not on speaking terms walking about like ghosts in the house, he told me to just leave them alone and things will get better in again there’s some thing he’s heavily fighting internally or emotionally inside which is why I think he’s running hot and cold all the time he just doesn’t know what he’s doing.
I want to think that things will change for the better or that at any moment he will wake up and realize what an idiot he’s being but that’s all wishful thinking realistically I can’t argue with an irrational man in midlife crisis


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Actually the only drop in sex life was the past year when I had my illness because I was so fatigued and just generally not feeling well of course I was more hesitant and did not feel like sex was that important when I could barely get up some days. He was frustrated during that time but didn’t even really understand that it’s not that I was rejecting him it’s because I was feeling unwell. Since the past month my diagnosis has reverted back to normal and I’ve gotten my normal energy back and our sex life has actually been better the past few weeks that we’ve been trying to reconnect after this whole incident started. So as you can see that’s why I’m in shock why he was pushing me away all of a sudden the one day I was sitting next to him, when the previous day we were fine our sex life was fine and then all of a sudden it was like he was disgusted that I was coming closer to him. I don’t understand what’s going on with this hot and cold situation and they probably will never get an answer because he’s not the Type to admit to his faults so he will never tell me the reason for the way he is acting or the thoughts behind it. All he told me was it was hot that’s why he didn’t want me close mind you we were indoors with the air conditioner on.


BigDaddyNY said:


> How has your sex life been? Did it drop off suddenly at some point? Changes in sex life is often a sign of getting it from another source.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

re16 said:


> If you want to save this thing, you have to be ready to lose it. The spouse who cares the least about the marriage continuing has the control... you are experiencing that now as he threatened to divorce and you retreated. Next time he says that, calmly call his bluff and say "ok - lets do it".
> 
> At some point, you need to demand access to his phone, at that moment. If he refuses, you have your answer. Phone guarding is a major red flag. It is happening specifically to deceive you, and only you.
> 
> I know its tough after so many years, but its time to believe what your eyes are seeing. There may have been something subconsciously in you that was avoiding all this for a long time.


Yes you’re absolutely right. It’s so frustrating that after coming through my illness I have to deal with this now too??
As of today we aren’t speaking in barely looking at each other as we walk around the house aimlessly to try and get by. I want to ignore what’s going on for the sake of my own stress level because my illness doesn’t really need this kind of stress in my body again, but it’s really difficult to ignore something like this. I just I’m so angry that I might lose this marriage because of a midlife crisis.
Again I found more photos of people that he followed in the past the girls the girls in bikinis it’s all the same accounts of women that only are showing their breasts in bikinis that’s about it. I know most people that seems harmless but it’s really the point that he’s validating a total stranger on Instagram and devaluing me as his wife that gets to me.
I haven’t said anything about this new find because what’s the point he’s only going to say he doesn’t know why he liked it again and I don’t have enough solid evidence for anything more than that. But in my gut I know there’s something happening whether it’s only flirting or only in DM‘s form I don’t know but he is fighting such a battle in his mind I think, that’s why he is on an off cold and hot and doesn’t Know which way to go.

it’s like I’m watching a stranger. He’s never been the shallow of a person I’ve always thought we had such a good connection and I always thought he always liked me for the way I am the way I look even after children I never worried I was insecure because he didn’t make me feel that way for so many years. Then all of a sudden none of it is real and these people he’s liking online is not at all like me it’s like he’s creating a whole new fantasy world for himself.
and he did say he is questioning his own mortality which I thought was what was happening he’s 48 years old and questioning how he is living his life classic midlife crisis. 
Maybe I’m just the one being such an idiot because I still care for him regardless, I don’t know why I’m pushing myself towards the person that clearly doesn’t care about me. Maybe I’m scared of being alone maybe I’m scared of starting over at this age


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Some people just love looking at beautiful women - it's an innate thing. And some people can control this and some can't. Also, social media is addicting - it doesn't feel wrong to him, he's not really seeing anyone, they are just pictures and fantasy in his head. A lighter version of porn, where he can maybe even interact a little bit.

I know a lot of people that follow and like tons of sexy models and actors on Instagram that are perfectly faithful people. It's just a visual enjoyment. 

But going into the messages is a bit "next level" - I for instance, like to browse hot photos but would never contact anybody or even comment.

So I'd say as long as he's not 1) paying them, 2) having conversations that distract him from you/life, or 3) physically meeting anyone - it's not a HUGE deal - perhaps a bit of a character flaw for you to deal with though.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Gabriel said:


> Some people just love looking at beautiful women - it's an innate thing. And some people can control this and some can't. Also, social media is addicting - it doesn't feel wrong to him, he's not really seeing anyone, they are just pictures and fantasy in his head. A lighter version of porn, where he can maybe even interact a little bit.
> 
> I know a lot of people that follow and like tons of sexy models and actors on Instagram that are perfectly faithful people. It's just a visual enjoyment.
> 
> ...


Agree! Yes the DM is certainly concerning on why he did that and don’t get me wrong we leave in plenty of cases looked at some girls on the Internet and I even comment on them along with him but the fact of the matter is that the common denominator for these people he follows are all liking inappropriate sexy photos which he hides from me for what if there is no harm in it and it is just I like the way she looks then why not be open and tell me about it so that I don’t feel like it’s something I should worry about, isn’t that how it generally would work out?
He’s seeking validation and fishing for someone to extend their hand with his little antics on the DM, I think he’s hoping that that woman would have proceeded to make further conversations with him and that’s one that I know of I don’t know how often or if he has attempted this with anyone else I’m assuming so only because the one that I know of is a friend of a friend and if he has the guts to do that that directly much more someone I completely do not know of I have no way of proving anything at this point, and asking him of course would only result in complete denial. I think it’s a dangerous game this whole social media thing for people that do not know reality from fantasy it’s great in some aspects as to being safe and living that fantasy off watching and sort of a voyeurism about it, but when it’s given to people that have no sense of reality such as my dear husband, it makes it really difficult because it becomes more than just simple admiration online doesn’t it?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Some thoughts:

1. Instagram, Facebook, etc… if the public can see who you follow and you follow bikini girls, no.

2. If you interact with bikini girls, no.

3. Looking at bikini girls… well… they’re bikini girls!!!


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Some thoughts:
> 
> 1. Instagram, Facebook, etc… if the public can see who you follow and you follow bikini girls, no.
> 
> ...


100% agree ! Social media can be a dangerous tool for the easily swayed person … it’s takes a lot of character for someone to distinguish reality vs fantasy in this .
Sadly my husband prefers the latter


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> Yeah I kind of did , only to find he’s got tons of people he follows on social media whom no married man should — I know they are random people but finding he is liking their Bikini posts and then swinging it back at me that it’s my fault …


Are you denying him sex?
Just sounds like he's a bit frustrated to me.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Are you denying him sex?
> Just sounds like he's a bit frustrated to me.


Well sex was a bit difficult the past year due to my illness — I was fatigued a lot and I just did not feel well nor did I even feel remotely like myself . It’s wasn’t until now that I got better and start feeling like me again — I was down for over a year with medical issues and in and out of doctors offices ALONE . During this time , yes he was was frustrated but did not even take into account my illness not showed any empathy when I wasn’t even able to get up at times . 
it was a difficult year for me and al I hoped for was some support for my spouse , which never happened … truth of the matter he was probably starting all his social media communications then …

still amazes me !


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> it was a difficult year for me and al I hoped for was some support for my spouse , which never happened … truth of the matter he was probably starting all his social media communications then …


Him looking at photos of semi-naked women is entirely understandable then.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Him looking at photos of semi-naked women is entirely understandable then.


Yes, for a person who abandoned his wife during her illness and didn’t help her, but focussed on how it was affecting him. Some men don’t get why their wives can’t have sex. It’s cruel to demand sex from an unwell or tired spouse when you’re not even doing anything to help them recover.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> It’s cruel to demand sex from an unwell or tired spouse ..........


OP never suggested such a thing happened.
OP's complaint is husband is looking at photos of women in bikini's.

If my wife stopped having sex with me (for any reason), After a month I'd do a lot more than look at photo's of women in bikinis.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Unfortunately Lucky this is a clear example of not knowing this was that type of man I married — never in a million years would I have thought he would abandon my like that to the point where he would just pass by me as I lay there in pain . I never knew he was selfish enough to be that way — can’t tell whether it’s him or the midlife crisis he’s in 



Luckylucky said:


> Yes, for a person who abandoned his wife during her illness and didn’t help her, but focussed on how it was affecting him. Some men don’t get why their wives can’t have sex. It’s cruel to demand sex from an unwell or tired spouse when you’re not even doing anything to help them recover.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> OP never suggested such a thing happened.
> OP's complaint is husband is looking at photos of women in bikini's.
> 
> If my wife stopped having sex with me (for any reason), After a month I'd do a lot more than look at photo's of women in bikinis.


Yes I could have worded it better, she was unwell and physically unable to have sex, she wasn’t withholding it. And as she recovered, she was able to have sex with her husband again.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

A bit of an update on this … since I’ve posted we’ve been trying to work things out and tonight after much time avoiding discussing it … we spoke about how him messaging that woman on social media really bothered me .. how mostly it made me feel like crap knowing he’s liking other women’s provocative photos , even when he says they are innocent. They are still bothersome to me because I didn’t know he was doing this . 
I am not entirely sure how to proceed from here … I try to let it go butin the course of the days I get triggered by certain things. I am constantly watching what he does on social media .. I know he tells me it’s nothing , but I can’t help now being suspicious. 
I don’t like what I’ve become but I also can’t seem to let it go. 
he have a half wit apology which I suppose is a challenge for him to do . He says he didn’t realize how I’d feel which is a bunch of crock ! 
who would not know how that feels ?!
I find myself still angry even though he tells me to drop it . 
I don’t know what I’m after but I’m just angry .


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

I’m trying to salvage a marriage , under circumstances of lies and internet emotional cheating .. how can you move on and improve a marriage after mistrust in present in the relationship… do you keep going as if every thing is normal , so you drop all blaming , do you act as if nothing bad ever happened… 
Wondering what tips anyone may have on how to make things work after distrust happened in the marriage .


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

Did he give you access to his social media? If he is serious about feeling bad, he should give you the passwords. or log on to a common computer. I think eventually, if you find nothing, then the anger will fade.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

At this point all you can do is try counseling for yourself because you're not going to get any type of resolution from him. If he was just looking, it still would have stung but you could have at least wrapped your mind around the fact men like looking at hot women. Not saying that would have been ok, but you could understand it. But when he tried to message one that you guys had a connection with, that's where the point of no return happened.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

If you are dealing with a lier and a cheater, then the way you can make it into a healthy and happy marriage is if you can do a character transplant on the lier and cheater. 

Those are character issues within that person so unless you can swap out their character and replace it with an honest and faithful character, you are kind of barking up a wrong tree.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sorry. You can't salvage this alone. Your husband prefers the rug-sweeping method of dealing with problems. So, if you want to "salvage" your marriage, you'll need to gear up to rug-sweeping mode and just pretend everything is fine. Lots of luck with that ...


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Savannah01 said:


> I’m trying to salvage a marriage , under circumstances of lies and internet emotional cheating .. how can you move on and improve a marriage after mistrust in present in the relationship… do you keep going as if every thing is normal , so you drop all blaming , do you act as if nothing bad ever happened…
> Wondering what tips anyone may have on how to make things work after distrust happened in the marriage .


Savannah, I read your other threads and I have to ask, what is there to salvage?

Now if all you care about is appearances and lifestyle, rug sweep away, since that's precisely what you are describing. If you want a real marriage, he needs to own his actions and get help to resolve his issues. You can't improve anything, you didn't step out of your marriage, he did.

I'm sorry you're going through this after such a long time together, but unfortunately, you have no control of what he chooses to do. This man doesn't respect you or find you attractive anymore, regardless of how attractive you are. He's searching for a fantasy.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

The way to salvation for you is to have a hard boundary and then stick to it. 

If your husband doesn’t understand how hurtful it is for you to have him interacting with e-thots/influencers online then explain to him what actions you will take if he continues to do it, and decide what those are. Whether it is counseling, separation, ultimately divorce, etc…

If he doesn’t get it from words, make him understand through actions.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Savannah01 said:


> _*I’m trying to salvage a marriage , under circumstances of lies and internet emotional cheating .. how can you move on and improve a marriage after mistrust in present in the relationship… do you keep going as if every thing is normal , so you drop all blaming , do you act as if nothing bad ever happened…
> Wondering what tips anyone may have on how to make things work after distrust happened in the marriage .*_


So Mr. Wonderful has done all the damage to your marriage and doesn't like the fact that you're now having a hard time trusting his slimy, deceitful self? I'm guessing he's got you believing that YOU'RE the problem and not him, and if you'd only shut up, things would be great - is that it?

Gosh, I can understand why you're trying so hard to hold onto THIS prize at all costs.

So, you're basically asking how to RUGSWEEP - how to push all his bad **** right under the carpet into a nice little lump and pretend it doesn't exist so HIS life becomes much easier (because we all know it's all about him, right?) and so YOU can continue desperately clinging to this prize like grim death but without your feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal and devastation that just keep ruining his day. Yup, that's *quite* the prize you got there.

I'm sorry you don't feel you deserve more respect than that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Savannah01

I merged a couple of your threads because they are on very similar tops. Other members are getting a bit confused with your many threads.


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## diddlydoo (Sep 21, 2021)

Trident said:


> Never confront when you are suspicious about the actions of your spouse towards another individual.


Help me…I definitely make this mistake. It never does anything helpful, for sure. What should be done? How should I handle it/proceed?


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

diddlydoo said:


> Help me…I definitely make this mistake. It never does anything helpful, for sure. What should be done? How should I handle it/proceed?


Start by making a thread of your own and describing your situation. Folks here would be happy to help you.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

diddlydoo said:


> Help me…I definitely make this mistake. It never does anything helpful, for sure. What should be done? How should I handle it/proceed?


Go into sleuth mode and get the answers yourself. That way you know they'll be the right ones.


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