# Divorce???



## brighteyes72 (Nov 16, 2008)

I'm new here, only posted once. But I need some help. I am somewhat confused.

I think I'm making a terrible mistake. I threatened my husband with divorce, mostly because I don't think I love him any more. There are plenty of reason why I feel the way I do.

So we have been seeing one another since we separated, and I really have fun being around him now. I have a hard time admitting it, but I might actually be falling back in love with him.

Well, I was going through his things, and found a notebook he's been keeping. In it he wrote down captions above all his writings. On one page, he wrote our wedding date, then wrote down "divorced" and the date we separated. He also wrote "the history of our family" and wrote a beginning year and an end year. Can that by itself make a divorce legal?

Maybe I should also say that he has been incredibly good and positive toward me and our kids lately. I also don't believe for one minute that he has another girl on the side. My fear is that I gave up too soon. I have not done a good job of showing him or telling him that his efforts have been noticed. I'm not ready to do that. This was the man that I planned to live my life with. He made years of mistakes and proved to me he wasn't everything I'd hoped he would be.

I am scared that he has given up by writing "divorced (date of separation)". What do you think? What should I do?


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

No, I am pretty sure that just him making notes in a notebook is not legally binding. But clearly it's something he wants to remember and it sounds like he's been making a real effort to make changes.

You say you haven't acknowledged him for these changes yet, but I think you should let him know that you have noticed and appreciate what he's doing. You don't have to make a grand gesture, but just tell him on one of your dates. I think he would love to hear it, and I don't think that telling him you notice and appreciate it will make him stop.

I also think you should go easy on yourself; you think you are falling back in love with him again and that is GREAT news! Don't rush back into it; just keep doing what you're doing until you know for sure. But letting him know a little bit of what you're thinking will help motivate him to do it more. I don't know what the issues are that caused you to separate, but it doesn't sound like it's over yet, so that's a good thing.


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## brighteyes72 (Nov 16, 2008)

I don't think it has any legal standing either, but why on earth would he "red letter" the day?

I have seen him cry on several ocassions because of our situation. He truly is sad. I think I'm being a hard-ass because of all the crap he put me through. I know he wants this to be past tense, but I can't see myself giving in. I have before, and it has bit me in the ass.

I'm going to be seeing him tonight, I know I will enjoy his company. How will I know he's the man he is today for good?

Any input would be great. I am now officially confused. I was going to divorce him, and I'm not sure I can do it based on his current behavior.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Let him know that the effort is not in vain and that you wished he could have always been like this and hope he always will be.

draconis


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

brighteyes72 said:


> How will I know he's the man he is today for good?


You can't know, and neither can he; no one can. All he can do is try to be the best husband he can be, and you can try to forgive him, when you feel you are ready. It might be that you need to wait and watch how he is doing for a long time - only you can know for sure how long that is. You don't have to "give in" now. It doesn't mean that he "won" - if you want to be with him, then work on things to improve yourself as he is doing the same thing, and see how things go. 

My husband wasn't sure he wanted to take me back after my affair, and it took MONTHS of me showing I was committed to him and making changes before he'd even think about it. I know at first, he didn't believe that the changes I was making would stick. I just kept doing it for myself, and in time he saw that I was not slipping backwards. All in all, it was about a year - a very painful year, but in the end, we are stronger for it.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Leahdorus said:


> You can't know, and neither can he; no one can. All he can do is try to be the best husband he can be, and you can try to forgive him, when you feel you are ready. It might be that you need to wait and watch how he is doing for a long time - only you can know for sure how long that is. You don't have to "give in" now. It doesn't mean that he "won" - if you want to be with him, then work on things to improve yourself as he is doing the same thing, and see how things go.
> 
> My husband wasn't sure he wanted to take me back after my affair, and it took MONTHS of me showing I was committed to him and making changes before he'd even think about it. I know at first, he didn't believe that the changes I was making would stick. I just kept doing it for myself, and in time he saw that I was not slipping backwards. All in all, it was about a year - a very painful year, but in the end, we are stronger for it.


this post is so much like my life. how on earth did you maintain your sanity for a year leahadorus? i am so glad you guys survived.

brighteyes...to speak to your post, i don't think legally that his notekeeping, even if he carved it in stone, amounts to anything. except what's in his heart. maybe that's the date he gave up. but it sounds like he hasn't given up by your words.

i am a huge advocate of "never give up" so i'm not gonna be your best resource. but why on earth would you give up or let thuis marriage pass? he is giving effort, regardless of the amount of bad road you've travelled. hang in there and keep your faith.


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