# Is it normal to have doubts while in R?



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Sometimes I do not know if I want this marriage..the hurt, the trust issues seems to be too much.

I am filled with such anger at times over what H did with his EA...

Other times I get paranoid wondering maybe he is still doing something behind my back but is more sneaky about it....I do not really believe it but there is always those thoughts that enter my head.

I get that our marriage was not in a good place for years prior however at times the lying/the deceit that he did angers me so much. I realize that this could be an opportunity to make the marriage better but at times I do not feel like putting any effort into doing that.

I mentioned this to my sister and she is like well it could have been worse he could have been having a PA with someone you know, etc....yes I get that it could have been worse but that does not always help me.

Sometimes the trust issue is so unbearable and if it makes any sense at all it is also "uncomfortable", if that makes any sense....I mean this is someone I trusted for 23 years and now???


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

sometimes, i feel the same. like i do not want to put forth the effort.
what helps me through those times is my wife putting forth the effort, like 120% and making SURE i see/feel/understand that she is doing so.
she is just learning how to do that, and she isnt perfect at it. and when she fails to do so (which she has been for the last few days), then i really get back to that place where i feel like "is this even worth it"?
the only thing i can suggest is that you talk to him and let him know you dont think he is pulling his weight (if that is the case).
good luck.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

He is pulling his weight..this is more me..in that it bugs me that I do not trust him anymore. The thought of having to spend years checking his phone/computer, etc. seems so exhausting to me..as well sometimes I feel like I have given up some of my personal power by having to do that.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

All your feelings, fears, concerns and paranoia are quite normal. I experience them all during our R. Recovery of my wife and marriage was the most difficult, heart wrenching emotionally draining experience of my life. Now years down the road I don't regret any of the pains or efforts. It was all worth it and we are in a much better place now. Happy, loving and committed to each other. Keep fighting for it.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I often "mourn" for the years in which things were better and trust was not an issue at all. NOw it all seems so unfamiliar to me...our life.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Totally normal. It takes awhile. I still have a hard time not taking things personally and trusting. If he is too happy, I worry. If he is sad, I worry. It is kinda of a catch 22. I promise that it gets better, but you will think you are crazy for the time being.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I am 8 months pat Dday, and still feeling many of the things you described above. 

It is draining, and I often wonder if its going to be worth it. I hate myself for being distrustful and at the same time am fully aware that I have good cause not to trust. 

It makes little things difficult. For as long as I can remember, my wife would often come up to me, hug me and tell me I was her "favorite". It used to be term of endearment that meant I was her favorite everything. Now it pisses me off when she says it. We have talked about it, and she is trying not to say it, but it still slips out. Habits formed over our 25 years together are hard to break.

In summary, you sound perfectly normal.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I have ups and downs and times that I think I should just end it. These are moments of doubt.

We are still dealing with our issues and when the issues are hard to deal with, I am out my low points that cause these thoughts


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Thanks all...sometimes I wonder too if I play the "victim" card with myself as well. I let myself wallow in what happened even when I do realize that in the scheme of things in life things could be alot worse. 

I hate dealing with this crap!!!!!


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

highwood said:


> He is pulling his weight..this is more me..in that it bugs me that I do not trust him anymore. The thought of having to spend years checking his phone/computer, etc. seems so exhausting to me..as well sometimes I feel like I have given up some of my personal power by having to do that.


TOTALLY understand.
it is exhausting. and you will soon start slowing down on that, if your husband is doing his part.
you have a right not to trust him, and you should not feel bad about it. i know it sucks to not trust the person you have always trusted, but you cant help that.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I keep telling myself that best thing for me to do even more than working on the marriage is working on myself....lose the 20 lbs I want to lose, finish my degree, etc. I want to become someone that is a great catch!


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

highwood said:


> I keep telling myself that best thing for me to do even more than working on the marriage is working on myself....lose the 20 lbs I want to lose, finish my degree, etc. I want to become someone that is a great catch!


yes. this is the BEST thing you can do. you will be surprised what a difference it makes in your attitude. 
i go back and forth with it constantly. but im only 6 months out.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

highwood said:


> I keep telling myself that best thing for me to do even more than working on the marriage is working on myself....lose the 20 lbs I want to lose, finish my degree, etc. I want to become someone that is a great catch!


This :iagree:


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

highwood said:


> Sometimes I do not know if I want this marriage..the hurt, the trust issues seems to be too much.
> 
> I am filled with such anger at times over what H did with his EA...
> 
> ...


I couldn't have said it better myself Highwood. I'm in the same boat, and the feelings I have toward my WH change daily. I am still paraniod and have a keylogger on his comp. I would at least like to get to the point that I don't feel the need to snoop. We've got kids together and that is the main reason I'm still around. If I still feel like this a year from now, I think we'll be headed for a D.


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