# Destroyed



## uncharted (Oct 1, 2009)

Ok this is going to be a long one, but seeing as the days and nights are sooooo long, well i may as well.
I met my wife in Nov 07 and we got married in June 09 and separated in June 12. I will try to give you the story thus far. In April 09 my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was like been hit with a sledge hammer. In that one breif meeting with the doctors our lives changed for ever. After the initial shock we decided that we were going to continue with the wedding. Everything was planned and my wife and made such perfect plans for the big day. The day itself was wonderful. Shotly after the wedding (2 weeks) my wife went in for the op to remove the tumor and followed by all the drugs. As expected she went through hell. This is where pur problems started or should i say mine. I had lost my father to cancer some years previous and i now realise that i never really grieved properly for him. I was filled with so much fear at the thought of loseing my gorgeous wife to this hateful disease. I was completly at a loss as to how to comfort my wife. Dont get me wrong i went to all the hospital meetings looked after her as best i could at home, but it wasnt enough. Cracks began to appear. I remember one night as i tried to comfort her i said " look the cancer is gone now we will get through this" to wich she replied " is that what you told your father when he was lying on is fu..king death bed" that hit me like a toone of bricksmand i closed up big time. We kept going but she eventually asked me to leave for a trial separation and i agreed and left. We got back together again but the tension was higher than ever. We were both walking on egg shells. Between that time and now we have split maybe 5 or 6 times for a few weeks each time but always got back together. My wifes health is now great, better than mine probably and she looks after herself by cooking all the right foods etc. every morning i would make her a green juice for her to start the day, and i could really see the change in her life. I new i was falling in love more with her. What a girl.
Cancer meant no kids. She took this bad. She wanted to then adopt and i wasnt keen. I told her if we cant have kids then i dont anyone elses, i would rather have none. We went to counselling and that was a great help to us. Now i must tell you that i am a very laid back person while my wife is always on the go. So in that respect we are oppisites. We argued a lot, usually over stupid things. 
Anyway in the course of one argument i left told her i wanted a divorce. Massive mistake. Its true that you dont know what youve got till its gone. I desperately love my wife and miss her terribly. Its been 5 weeks. 
We are talking and she says unless she see's a Miraculous change then there is no going back. Whats she wants is this. She wants a happy life easy and simple. She wants to travel the world. She as accepted there will be no kids. But i worry about the future, will she resent me when we are 60 for not giving into adoption? I am still going to counselling. I have a huge problem opening up my inner feelings to my wife, for fear of kick back. We mail each other all the time. I am heartbroken and she is also. She called me around the other day to talk and i was in bits. Im in bits writing this. So i dont know what to do. The trust is gone for her. I wish i wasnt so stupid and selfish. I just want her back. I dont know ehat else to write right now. Maybe i am only venting but if anyone wants to comment then go ahead. There is probably lots more i would need to say, but for now i dont have the strength.
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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

hey uncharted, sorry for your pain. you said you were in therapy. are you and your wife still in therapy. has she gone done solo work?

i too was recently set free under the auspices of my x wanting an "easier" life.

your spouse has gone through a major life change. that changes people. she may find a routine in time that more closely resembles who she was before but likely you're going to have to change with her if you want to move forward together. 

what have you done over these past few weeks to shore yourself up and make positive changes for you? you also need to recognize that those other short breaks were rehearsals for the breaking point where you said "i want a divorce". If you want to turn things around then you're going to have at least start with those communication issues.

Best of luck.


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## MainStreetExile (Jun 26, 2012)

It seems like all is not lost.

This being said, I think the way forward is going to require a great deal of compromise. You have to ask yourself if the love of your wife is worth the price of the concessions you may be forced to make. 

They usually are, my friend.


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## uncharted (Oct 1, 2009)

Guys, thank you for the reply. Orpheus, you right, my wife went through a major life changing experience. Since then she has turned her life around for the better, health wise. She will only eat raw organic vegan food, and drinks green juices. She is in the gym 6 mornings a week. I got to say that the change in diet has made her even more beautifull than she was before. So there is defo no going back for her to the way she was while we were dating. Why would she? Her health is now good, thank God. I am still in therapy, & i commited myself at yesterdays session to continuing for as long as is deemed necessary. My wife? Not so much. She is of the opinion that i am 100% at fault. I agree with her. The pain right now is unbearable. Its a massive burden to shoulder. I never thought a man could have so many tears. 

At yesterdays therapy session, i believe there was a breakthrough. You see my wife would be of the agressive type, me, i am passive. If we were having an argument, i would get the ( fight or flight) feelings, so i would pick flight. If we have an argument, my wife tends to raise her voice and i close up. I cant think straight and therefore i say the wrong thing or to be honest i say nothing, hoping she will calm down and everything will be ok. Then my feelings get bottled up and i run for air. This is a major problem, its the core of the problem. What happens then is that i cannot convey my feelings, good or bad, afraid to start a conversation knowing it may turn into an argument, so i say nothing. I am way to sensitive. This then means that i lose feelings for my wife. Not love, but its ike i dont care, because she will not listen to my feelings. Is this making any sense at all??

We had been going to therapy together but then stopped. Massive mistake for me. For i know that if i had kept going then we could of resolved things. Even if i went on my own to vent or to bring my wife and talk through the problem in a safe enviorment. 
That last couple weeks i have been trying to be more assertive in a calm way. As the counsellor said "listen to her, even if she is shouting at you, then tell her i understand and i hear you, but please do not shout of fly of the handle as that brings feelings of fear to me. Even if she says it again and again, repeat that you hear her but you need her to calm down"
So this is what i am working on right now.

Today she sent me a text, basically outtlining how badly i treated her during the 3 years of marriage. Thats a killer blow. I replied that i understood that i messed up big time but that is in theast. I can only change the future. 

MainStreetExile i agree, my life will have to change, no doubt about that. The love of my wife is the only love i feel in this world. Nothing else matters. Its so difficult when you on your own and not in the comfort of your wife's arms and in our home. I do not know how long this will go on. Last saturday she said it was over, no going back because there is no trust. Then sunday she said she would have to see massive changes to consider taken me back. So i am very confused.also. But how can i show her change when we are not living together? I now face into another sleepless night of worry and uncontrolable crying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Uncharted, if the past is in the past then you're also going to have to start making space to start forgiving yourself also.

It takes two to make a relationship work. It is really never that one person is solely at fault. You recognized that you screwed up. Whether or not you get your wife back, you have said that you want to fix those behaviors. The next best thing to do is to get working on you. Your actions will speak louder than your words. She wants to see change. Be that person you want to be and hopefully she will also take notice.

I'm sorry for your pain. Heal yourself and you will be in the right shape to face tomorrow no matter the outcome.


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## uncharted (Oct 1, 2009)

My eyes hurt today. Feels like there is sand in them. Havent slept in ages. In the night time i wake up and stretch my arm out trying to find her, but there is only emtiness. There is so much emptiness in my heart. We texted a bit today. I had to ask her was she 100% sure that there was no turning back. I needed to know. If i know one way or the other then i feel i have something to work to. Its the unknown that scares the hell out of me. She said no she was not 100% sure. She says she would be putting every ounce of trust into my words and that she would always wonder if i would leave her

This was my reply...The only way it can be different is by the actions we take and by me learning to open up and be more assertive. I can only do this with help. Professional and yours. Only then will you see the differance. I have to learn to talk to you regardless of reaction you may take. If i can do that then its a huge thing.
Her reply....But it's not only that. We don't have any common interests. We can't even go for a walk without me having to ask you.*
My reply.....The reason i close down is because i feel my feelings are not considered. Thats not your fault. Its because i feel i cant talk to you about important things. That makes me feel unbelieveably lonely. I then feel that i cannot do things with you because of that. So in effect if i can talk to you without feeling insecure and i know you are taking what i am saying, then we connect together and then i want to spend the time with you, because i know we have that connection that only we two can have.*

Her reply....To be honest. This all sounds like its coming from counsellors mouth. It's the fact you have no interests in your life other than tv computers etc. It's all those things I texted you about yesterday. I am finding it very hard to believe it can work. I really do not want to talk about this on text either.*
My reply....Of course its with The counsellors help. Thats why i am going to her for its her help that is showing me how to change. This is what i believe. As i said above when i feel that i have spoken to you about what i am feeling, and that you hear me, then my interest in you and spending time with you and doing things with you is what happens naturally, cause i have then connected with you. Ok i understand that you dont want to talk about it on text.

Her reply....So if you feel you can't talk to me which you can say any time you get in a rutt. It'll be my fault and then I get punished again. You punish me because u say you cant talk to me. I'm so tired of this drama. Very unsure about this. I feel if this happened again it could impact my health. Too much stress. A relationship should not be this hard!
My reply....But relationships can be hard. Its only when two people are completly open and honest about everything, that it works. Once we know we are been herad and understood then we feel contented again. Everbody has a right to express how they are feeling at any time, good and bad. So if your feeling that i cant talk to you then you need to say it and i need you help to respond. I will also continue to go to the dounsellor because i do not want to close up ever.

Her reply...Think about all the times you have punished me then because YOU can't communicate.. Hate to say it but maybe this has been the wake up call you needed.
My reply....Yes your right, maybe this has been the wake up call that i needed. I defo wont deny that. All the things you mention is a result of my lack of communication. And that is what i am changing. For it is only in giving that we receive. When i open up to you and you listen then i feel that i have recieved and then i can give.

Her reply...Do you know what I need? *Time to sort my head out.*
My reply...Of course i understand. Take tour time.

Any thoughts on how i handled this situation would be appreciated. I am not counting my chickens by a long shot. I am however trying to change my behaviours and then put those behavious in action.
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## frigginlost (Oct 5, 2011)

Feel for ya bro....

Her last line says it all. You could swap every line she wrote with my ex wife (she also was a cancer survivor). I think right now you need to step back and work 100% on yourself.

Nothing you say are do is going to change how she is feeling right now and it's possible by continuing to talk about the status of the relationship it may drive her away.

It's hard bud, believe me we all have been there, but you need to really hope for the best but plan for the worst.

One thing I will say is quit blaming yourself.....

-FL


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## uncharted (Oct 1, 2009)

FL thank you for your thoughts. I am so glad your wife survived cancer. She is strong.
Stepping back is difficult. My wife will likely contact me again this evening or tomorrow about something or other. Could be to do with her work or whatever. 
I am starting to think that when she does that, she is just checking that i am still here for her. Would you agree? Or have i got it wrong?
I cannot stop taking the blame, my heart will not let me. The burden is over whelming but i must carry it. 

She normally does the contacting not me.
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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

She is saying that she would give anything to make a great marriage with you, but she doesn't believe that you can change.

You did a lot of blaming in the text. Don't tell her all of this. Work on yourself and let her see a change. One small positive change will mean a million times more then a lot of promises.


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## uncharted (Oct 1, 2009)

Ok thank you for that. I didnt try to blame more i tried to understand it from her point of view. I try to put myself in her shoes and when i do, what is see is not good. But i agree with you when you say one small positive change will mean so much more. I am trying to focus on myself and how i can be a better person. I am trying to do some soul searching, but its difficult when you are in grief.
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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

My experience is that they HATE it when you tell them what your doing, or going to do. Don't point it out to her!


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## uncharted (Oct 1, 2009)

So just do whatever it is you need to change? Got it.
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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Less is more.


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## frigginlost (Oct 5, 2011)

uncharted said:


> Ok thank you for that. I didnt try to blame more i tried to understand it from her point of view. I try to put myself in her shoes and when i do, what is see is not good. But i agree with you when you say one small positive change will mean so much more. I am trying to focus on myself and how i can be a better person. I am trying to do some soul searching, but its difficult when you are in grief.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yup it's hard as hell, but you have to do it. For you.

I think that yes, she is contacting you because right now she is unsure of where she stands with everything. 

The best you can do is work on you and let her come to grips with her own feelings. Be there, but be prepared for the worst. My ex flip-flopped like a beached fish and it was extremely painfull for me, but in the back of my mind I prepared myself. I'm glad I did because in the end, she walked...


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## uncharted (Oct 1, 2009)

But she needs massive changes, otherwise she will not trust.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

uncharted said:


> But she needs massive changes, otherwise she will not trust.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


so make change; don't talk change.


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## uncharted (Oct 1, 2009)

Yeah got to say the pain is unbearable. I cannot let go of the .1% chance that there is still a sloution. 
She just sent this text....Reading these texts. Funny how you're such an expert on how a relationship should work, all of a sudden. The counsellor should charge more.*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

put the phone down. walk away from the bait. enjoy your afternoon.


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

If you fail and do respond to the last text, simply say- "I'm no expert and I would appreciate your prayers"

Your better off not responding at all though!


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## uncharted (Oct 1, 2009)

I did respond saying pretty much exactly that. I am no expert but i am trying...And left it at that.

So hard to put the phone down when you are watching it all the time, waiting, wondering, willing.
I cannot see a rope to climb out of this dark place. I feel i am going down deeper. Life is precious, yet it can be unbearable at times.
Thank you each and all for you support, it is very greatly appreciated. My wife is not religious, i am. I have never prayed as hard in my life. Sometimes it helps me sleep at night.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

this is a horrible position to be in. i'm sorry. accept that the very nature of it is painful. when you feel bad: stop and identify how you feel; experience it; and if you can try to let it go. eventually you'll gain more control as you heal.

in the meantime, stop feeding the beast. Constant contact might not be helping you. Give yourself a few hours to decide what you really have to say, if indeed saying "anything at all" is in your interest.


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## WhatKatyShouldHaveDone (Jun 12, 2012)

Hi Uncharted

I am sorry you are in this pain.

The relationship problems you have described - are EXACTLY the same as why I find myself separating from my husband (his choice, his decision).

Your description of your response to conflict is exactly the same as my husbands. I am a shouter (I am sooooo much better! - I have made many change over last few years), my husband is passive and often silent, which would infuriate me even more, so i would shout even more and he would shut down even more. He was also often passive aggressive as he could not (chose not) to assert even his most basic thoughts/feelings when conflict arose. Which made me even angrier and shoutier....so he would hide more from me...the resentment grew on either side....and here we are.

The result - i got the ilybnilwy bomb dropped on me. He built so many barriers, shut down again and again - he just stopped caring. He told me he wanted to end the marriage and utterly broke my heart.

I just want to say that i think what ever your mistakes in the past I think you're behaviour and realisations NOW are incredible. You've not only figured out the crux of your problem, but you expressed it without putting ANY blame on your wife, and you illustrated clearly how you could change and therefore change the dynamics of the whole relationship.

My husband who I used to have so much respect for is no where near this point of realisation. Well he understands this is what happened, but he will not take responsibility for his beahviour, he certainly blames all of this on me. It was not his fault. We have been living together for the past 6 moths, and i am leaving in a week, and over that time he has continually wavered and wobbled and given hideous mixed messages and generally been his usual emotional stunted, passive agressive self.

I would give anything for my husband to be the way you are now. From reading the texts you sent her, you are reaching out to her in a huge way. I think it is clear you are genuine. I think you need to give her space away from you. It is a cliche for a reason - you cannot make someone want to be with you - would you even want to? Start living your life for you. Stop feeling so guilty, like you have behaved hideously. You haven't. You had a (huge) issue with communication, but you have at least acknowledged it and are prepared to put your new skills to the test. She is walking away from you. From your marriage. Yes, you told her you wanted a divorce, but I think this is forgivable, given the circumstance. You have to forgive yourself, and tell yourself that you did the BEST you could, that you are still doing the best you can.

Stop taking on the role of the 'bad' guy. Telling yourself *'I must carry this burden'* is ridiculous - YOU DO NOT!!!!!

You are in a marriage - a partnership. The burden should always be shared - that is the WHOLE POINT. Your wife is taking no responsibility. Worse she is belittling the efforts you are making for your marriage by being dismissive and scornful of the things you are learning with your therapist. Set the cancer aside for a moment - is the guilt you feel just as big? If you wife had not experienced cancer and survived, would you still feel like this is ALL your fault??

If you really want your wife back then you must pick yourself up, dust yourself down, and show her how awesome you are. Most importantly STOP with the constant negative chatter in your head, start talking to yourself like you are your own best friend, or coach, and start becoming the best man you can be. For you. Not for your wife. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, enjoy life. You do not NEED your wife, you should be a whole person, fulfilled and happy, within yourself, by yourself....so start aiming for this. As your life and your feelings about it begin to change for the better, if it happens to open your wife's eyes to the wonderful man you are, and you reunite then that is great. If not, by then I can guarantee you, you will not mind, you will not care. You will recognise that you did your best, that you gave everything you could, but that it takes two people to build and maintain a marriage. You will see how far you have come, how much you have learned about yourself, and you will recognise, with love, that your wife is just not ready. That maybe you have outgrown her in terms of emotional maturity and self awareness, that maybe YOU want more, that maybe YOU deserve more, and maybe you'll start to feel yourself getting excited about putting into practice all you have learned about honesty and intimacy and trust with a woman who lights up when you talk.

My long -winded (!) point is you WILL be OK. I promise. Stop beating yourself up RIGHT NOW.


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## uncharted (Oct 1, 2009)

Hey Kathy, i got to say thank you so much for your support. I really do appreciate everyones advice. Ok i got to updat as it been awhile since i was online. A few things have happened since last time i was here. But firstly, Kathy you sure your not my wife? You describe us exactly how my wife and i are. A few points with your comment first if i may. 

I knew i had a breakthrough when i was last in therapy. It felt like a light was lighted and i could suddenly see. It was clear. I understood my weakness. My weakness in destroying myself. How can anyone be truly them selves if they cannot express how they feel? Why should people fear what another may think of that persons feelings? When all is said and done these are MY feelings. Therefore if i or indeed anyone including your husband Kathy cannot let their life partner know how they feel, how can we expect the love and understanding of our partners?

You are right i have a huge issue with communication, but i will NOT allow my wife to take the blame for that. I realise now that i have had this issue my entire life. It is not my wifes fault. Granted she is aggressive, not deneying that, but i should of confided in her. What this means is that i am learning and i ackowledge that i have had this issue. So you see i really have to carry this burden. The burden of knowing that if i had of goen to therapy long ago then i may not be in this hellish position right now. 

Over the last week and a half my wife and i have been in a bot more contact. She normally does the contacting as i am at this moment concentrating on myself and concentrating on changing my behaviours. So she called me at the weekend and asked me around for something to eat if i was free. I was free. So around i went. It was strange in that i knew i was walking on egg shells. But shortly does feelings disappeared. We talked, we talked about everyday stuff. I knew the talk would get around to us. However she told me about a friend of hers ( male) . He had called around to see her. This bugged me. It bugged me bad. So i took was i learned and told her that i felt very jealous. So knows im the jealous type. I know this friend and i know he has a soft spot for my wife. My wife reassured me that she would never ever do anything like that to me. We looked each other in the eye and we both knew in an instant that she was telling the truth. But my point is that i brought up this issue. I felt proud of myself. A few weeksmago i would of of said nothing but would have thought ugly thoughts. Thoughts like my wife is a bit*h etc etc etc. andmthis would of caused more tension.

But in that moment the issue was resolved and i felt good. We had a wonderfull evening together and watched a movie. I satyed the night ( spare room ) at ther request. She misses me terribly but the problem is the trust. Her fear is me running again. I can feel that fear in her. I am in therapy this week again and i can honestly say i am looking,forward to it. I want to thrive now. I feel i have something to work on. Not like before. Before in therpy i was on my knees crying my eyes out. I still cry. I still pray. I still shoulder this burden. I love my wife so very deeply.nand yes Kathy, cancer aside i know i would be exactly the same, for you see i understand my wife is my soul mate, best mate and the one that i need to share this life with. 

I still wait at the phne waiting for her to contact me, but now i am actually working on myself. Now i am learning, i am learnig a good lesson. It will be a lesson that will go on formthe rest of my life, but i will enjoy learning it.
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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I fell your pain.. I stare at my phone and wish she would text something to me.. just so i know she is thinking about me.

My daughter is the only one that gets messages from her and that is goodnight and good morning..


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## uncharted (Oct 1, 2009)

You need to focus, focus on your daughters right now. I know the pain all too well. Its hurts every second of every day and every sleepless night. But focus on your daughters right now. I am sorry you are going through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I am sorry you are feeling so much pain. 

It sounds like you have taken on all the blame for everything that has gone wrong. I really doubt that it is all your fault. Your wife was terribly sick and probably terrified out of her mind. I doubt that she handled things as well as she might have otherwise. Perhaps she needs to look at her own role in all this, not that I think you should tell her that.

I certainly think you need to be easier on yourself. You have trouble communicating, you're working on it. You're using words from your counselling sessions because those are the words you have right now. You are doing the best you can.

I agree with what's been said. Don't talk about what you are doing. Let her see it. You can't talk your way into trust. Be the best that you can be and let her see over time that she can trust the changes.

Be good to yourself.


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