# Incompetent Counselor



## Tethered

My husband sought out a marriage counselor for us when I said I was considering a divorce because I couldn't stand the way things were with us. She's licensed with our insurance company and is closest to our home. He went to the first appointment alone and then she scheduled me to come in. My husband drove me there and once there, the counselor asked him to come in as well. Then she asked me what I saw as the problem. I said that we have virtually no useful communication and that my husband is so controlling and distrustful that I can't live like that anymore. I told her that I was now angry all the time and extremely bitter, not at all my usual self.

The control issue was discussed and she asked me to explain it. Basically - my husband and I are in agreement that I've never done anything that is untrustworthy (although he has previous baggage in that area). But, since our marriage 5 years ago I can't talk on the phone without telling him what's being said, who I'm talking to, whether I called them or they called me, etc. We go to the store together. I had coffee with a friend (female) twice in the 5 years (with his okay) and both times he called me repeatedly on my cell and then needed a play by play of the entire conversation during coffee. I no longer have any friends, which is hard for me. I had moved to another state to get married and knew nobody here so a new friend would have been nice.

His teenage daughter lives with us and absolutely knows and says that I go nowhere and have no life. My adult son lives in town here now as well but I can't call him either without explaining why I'm calling him.

(Back to the counselor)...she suggested that I do more to reassure my husband, i.e. find a hobby within our home so that he doesn't feel a need to not trust me and I can have a bit of alone time; and when we are out in public I need to make sure to stay by his side and reassure him that I'm not speaking to someone else. (He had said it seems kind of flirty when someone talks to me and I smile).

Honestly - at first I thought I heard her wrong - but no. I went ballistic and asked her if this was her solution to his control issues. She said that they had not begun to work on his issues yet but would in due time. (He is sitting there passive the entire time). I said "are you aware that he is not like this at home at all". She said that "I can see where he's like a big teddy bear that needs to be reassured quite a bit and you speak quite quickly and are short when you are upset." 

We have been to her a total of 3 times and I don't want to go back. I've never been to a counselor before so don't really know what to expect but this wasn't it.

I am short when i speak - Now. I'm angry - now. I'm fed up - now. 

I said at one point that when I said I'd like to go to a craft store alone one Saturday afternoon, he said, "of course. Go. Have fun. But - you do realize this is my only day off to spend any time together?" I told the counselor that he does that frequently so that he can say he said for me to go but wants to guilt me in to staying. She said I was assuming that and that I probably make a lot of assumptions.

Am I just missing something here? Is this how counseling is supposed to go? If it's just me that is taking this all wrong - please say so.


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## sirch

I don't know tethered, like you I am not thrilled with our counselor either. Mine wants to "fix" me first, whatever the hell that is that means. In my opinion, we both should be seeing the counselor on a regular basis. Sometimes alone and together, to move forward with our relationship.


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## Blanca

this is one reason i would never go to couples counseling. There are so many emotions flying around. My H and I go to individual counseling.

I dont know if your counselor was right or wrong in what she said, but the point is its not working for you so you should find something else. And the point is you are miserable, you're not going to leave (today), and you want to be happy. So you need to keep looking for ways to make yourself happy. 

its really hard to say "no" to a clingy spouse and not get angry and bitter over the manipulation and the guilt trips they throw your way. Something that has really helped my H and i are boundary books. I did them on my own at first. Learning to set and express your boundaries appropriately can help you detach from his manipulation and guilt trips. you'll be free to do what you want. Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self


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## Tethered

Thanks to both of you for your comments. For an update: My husband and I had a really good talk and for once, I was able to explain to him how I felt when he controlled every aspect of my life. He hadn't thought of it as controlling - just loving. I don't know if he's going to go back to that particular counselor - but I know that I'm not going to. My husband has really been noticeably trying and it's making a huge difference. To help him, when I need to run out for something - I call him and let him know that I'll be at xyz store for a few things and then I call him and let him know that I'm home again. I'm not constantly telling him that I'm noticing how great he's doing - but I do tell him fairly frequently.

The less controlling he is - the more I enjoy being with him and doing things for him and I'm not feeling angry all the time.

We may hold off on couples counseling and if we notice a backsliding I am going to see someone on my own.

Good luck to everyone that ends up with our psycho counselor.


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