# Can a serial cheater/narcissist change?



## Thingsfallapart (May 25, 2013)

I have been with my husband for almost 10 years and married for 5 of those. Three years ago, I discovered a secret email account and he had been making fake profiles up (using fake pictures) to meet people for one night stands via online dating sites. He had also been using Craigslist for this, too. I kicked him out but we had literally just moved across the country and a very close family member to me died at the same time I found out about the cheating (with at least 7 people - women and men), so I was alone and fearful and devastated so I took him back. We tried counseling but couldn't find a counselor we liked. We are still together. And I thought things were good. It has always been very roller coaster like for us - good times are great and bad times are hell but we have been working on us for the last 3 years. Or I was. 

The thing is, we we started this relationship, I made it very clear to him, because of my past relationships, that this has to be a monogamous relationship. Well, I had my suspicions over the years but when I asked about it, he would say I was crazy. I even found an email once to a friend of his that said he couldn't go hang out with her because he was going camping - which was a lie because he was going home with me to meet my family for the first time. 

Anyway, I thought that because I had been burned in the past, I was being too paranoid. But when I found out about the cheating and had evidence, he couldn't deny it. I still took him back because I was in a terrible situation in my life having moved and lost a loved one. 

Fast forward to 3 years later. I had my suspicions again and this time I set up a fake online profile and was able to catch him in the act. He has admitted to 2 more one night stands in the course of the past 3 years. He says he doesn't know why he does it. He says he loves me. He says he needs help. 

We have started marriage counseling together because I hate to throw it away without trying. He has moved out too. I really do believe that there is something mentally wrong with him. Of course, I have also realized that there is something wrong with me. I know I have trust issues but I also have low self esteem. And his constant "you're crazy to think I would cheat" has really driven me crazy; I was doubting myself and my gut. And I knew I was right. 

I found out 3 weeks ago. And I am sitting in a hotel at a beach alone on a vacation we planned months ago for just the 2 of us. 

I don't know if he is deserving of a 3rd chance. I don't know if he is capable of change. I don't know if his words are just more empty air and manipulation. He promised before he wouldn't hurt me and yet he did. 

I think for him, he enjoys the thrill of the chase and the sex. I feel like he wants the best of both worlds - our very comfortable and "normal" life and his cheap thrills. 

He is very charming and uses his words very eloquently. I contacted one of his recent one night stands and even though they only had sex once, they talked online for months. She told me that she still hopes she can meet someone as good looking and charming as him and that if we don't work it out, to tell him to find her!!!! Amazing!!!!!!

I fear being alone. I fear him cheating again. I don't know if he can change. We have no children (thank heavens). I am, in my work life, smart and very successful. I have a great family (one reason why I think he stays with me is this - his childhood was awful and his family bonds are nonexistent). I have great friends. I love my job and am so happy with things outside of this marriage. I have stopped blaming myself (no more "it's because I'm 30 pounds overweight or didn't love him enough or didn't keep it spicy enough). I would just like to hear from others to see if a person like this can really change or if I should cut my losses and face my fear of loneliness.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

In a word....no.

There is no cure for narcissism.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

He cannot change. He will always cheat and lie. He is incapable of being monogamous. 

Maybe you can have an open marriage if you don't want to be alone. He can have his adventures and as long as he fulfills the role you both agree on, you will not be alone. 

You are operating on fear, the fear of being alone. If you had faith that you would not be alone you would never put up with this. 

Why not go to IC and work on increasing your self esteem and confidence. A hightened sense of your worth will brighten your view of the future and your need for your cheating husband will naturaly dissipate.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Yeah. It get a one time slip which is still hard but, he's out of control. Get checked for STDS pronto!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thingsfallapart (May 25, 2013)

I have an appointment to get tested and he does as well. 

I know that fear is driving my actions. And I am pissed that I can be so strong in other areas of my life and so weak when it come to this relationship and him. I do love him. Well, I love who I thought he was. Which was a lie. 

I feel like its a "fool me once, shame on you but fool me twice, shame on me." I just need to figure out how to be strong enough to face my fear of loneliness.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

No kids easy decision move on alone you will be fine. No he is too damaged to change.Don't look back
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

It's not fear of loneliness really. It's lack of faith and Self-confidence. Otherwise, how can you be so sure that you will be lonely without him?


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## Thingsfallapart (May 25, 2013)

It is lack of self confidence. But I am in my 30s and have never lived alone. I'm one of those people that can't be alone. I definitely had periods where I was dating someone but I had stronger ties to friends then (ie roommates) so I wasn't alone. 

I feel dumb to even say it. "Yes. I will put up with a cheater bc I don't want to be divorced and alone." And I think that no one will ever love me again. 

I want to give him a chance because I wasn't raised to give up so easily on marriage. But I feel like this is just too outrageous.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Again it is fear talking to you. Fear makes you do things that are self destructive. You feel no one will love you because you will not leave a man who does not love you enough. 

This confirms your feelings that no one will love you. If you loved yourself, you would know that you are worthy of love. 

Work on your self esteem and all of your doubt about your ability to attract a good man will go away.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

When you are with someone who keeps lying to you and cheating on you, it's not that you have trust issues, you have a untrustworthy person in your life.

You don't have trust issues that you need to fix inside of yourself, instead you heed to remove the person who keeps lying to you. 

And no, he isn't going to change.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

What a blessing that you have not had children with this man. When there is children involved things get a little more challenging and harder to part ways. 

I hope that you will stay away now that you've found the courage to be separated. This definitely would have been an ongoing battle for you otherwise.


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## Thingsfallapart (May 25, 2013)

Do I continue the marriage counseling together? We have gone once. I said I would go for 6 months. He got a 6 month lease at an apartment. 

The funny thing about children is that I thought I never wanted any. And then I started to realize I didn't want any with him.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

YOU need counseling. Individual counseling.

MC is a waste of money in your case.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I myself do not know if these types of men are able to be monogamous. I'm with a serial cheater who claims he's done with all that. He used to be just like your H. He's relapsed so many times. I say relapsed because it's just an easier word to use. But we have children, so I feel much more tied to him. Not as an excuse. It's just reality.

If you feel that MC is the way to go, then see what he has to say. If you feel for one minute that he is not ready or capable of being a one woman man, then I say leave him in the dust and he can live the single life


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

No kids, serial cheater... think about that. You can be happy. Please take care of yourself, get checked for stds.


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## Thingsfallapart (May 25, 2013)

I am going to get individual counseling. I am traveling for the next 3 weeks so it will unfortunately have to wait. 

I feel tied to him, too. We are in the middle of a home remodel so I can't just put the house on the market and file for divorce. Sad but true. 

I just can't believe what he did and how he did it. I guess I am so naive because I had no idea that people lied and used fake pictures to meet people online. I also had no idea that women would actually drive to meet someone they have never met to just have sex. 

I want to believe he is capable of change but this is so mind boggling to me that I don't even believe it happened and don't know how to believe he can change when he has cheated for such a long portion of our relationship.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Well now you know what people can be like. It's a slap in the face. I remember when I was innocent to this kind of behaviour too. 

You will find out what he's capable of if you stay with him. Time will tell


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## Thingsfallapart (May 25, 2013)

Are there nice guys out there? Reading some of the stories on here (obviously this forum isn't the place to read about nice guys, I know that) is scary.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I'm sure there are some great guys out there. I just don't know for sure because I'm so skeptical now. But there has to be


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have two choices:

1) stay and accept that this is they way he is. He will never change. So stop complaining.

2) Leave.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

My wife has been a serial cheater most of our marriage...possibly during engagement too. I have been the one to keep fighting and fighting for our marriage...and each time my wife begged for forgiveness, I've taken her back...but she never gave it up! In fact, it was she that instituted the divorce we are now in the middle of...and I've said this numerous times, but I am so relieved now that it is coming to an end...cos I don' think she will ever quit...it's as if once you cross that line of infidelity and breaking one's trust...it just loses it ceremonial value. I fought for the marriage cos I clung to the hope and faith that it will turn around if we each put 100%. It was/is a hard dose of reality to know that my wife is INCAPABLE of giving 100% to any relationship right now...and she never was capable. Not until she goes through some massive recovery process and I'm not sure that is possible if they are in a dysfunctional relationship where they can mess up and we keep taking 'em back...no consequences, no growth.


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## Thingsfallapart (May 25, 2013)

Elegirl and formerself, thanks. Thanks for the brutal honesty and the experience/thoughts on being with someone like this. 

It is easy to say "leave" and yet difficult to do. But I think, in time, it will easier.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

There's a serial cheater on this board who tells BS's that they must take control of the situation away from the cheater and they must expose and exact real consequences.

This particular cheater is a player from his teenaged years, has a W and children and says that he very much loves his W. Nonetheless, he has had numerous affairs and never had any intention of stopping. When his W found out everything, she left him. He said that he fully believed that since he had pulled the wool over her eyes until that point that he would be able to do it again. He was surprised at how 'strong' she has been, though. This has been his wake-up call apparently. He sounds like he would want to try to reform if his W would give him a chance. She, for her part, is done.

If you stay, he won't stop. You will have to accept this if you can't be without him, in my opinion.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

I recommend that you go to Chumplady's blog.


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