# Where is the line from being controlling to concerned



## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

My wife went on a overnight work trip last week. As part of our efforts to improve trust and address my concerns about her boundaries and a co-workers relationship I have asked her to inform me when he is going to be somewhere she is or forward me messages on a regular basis whether it be from texts or email so I have some idea of the tone of their communication and to discuss with her when I think she is being too "friendly".

I looked through her email on her phone and found he had been quite busy last week checking if she was in office still- more than once it happened- and what I would call flirty messages. Ex.- in an email of her asking a work related question you could tell the response was supposed to be funny but it was what he said that I didn't think was appropriate-" j I really really think you are awesome and I love chatting with you but I am sorry I can't right now! Continue to send me questions and I will answer them saaaaay next week! ." 

In addition my wife rode up with another coworker and in route this other guy texted her - which I don't see where she responded -and then actually called her and talked for 17 min. I am sure he knew she was coming up but there must have been some sort of communication that he knew to contact her when they were within an hour or two from arriving. I also just saw that he tried to call her Fri night about 8 pm of which she didn't answer. I don't know for sure but I don't believe he was up there when she got there. Most of the company people had left the previous day and it was just her dept meeting of which he wasn't on the email for the meeting.

So the question- I know they communicate regularly thru company email but I was told that has backed way off and is business related when it does occur. There were business emails last week but obviously not all of them- she didn't share any of those and I forget but am pretty sure the ones that weren't business I got out of her trash- so she had deleted them- Am I overreacting to the tone of his email when it clearly was presented as a funny and I don't know the whole conversation?

Also the text and phone calls she received from him last week he initiated. The best I can tell she didn't respond to the text or the late night phone call on Fri. Though she did talk to him on the trip and the call was during the day she was with someone else so it wouldn't have been in secret. So, in a way she was adhering to boundaries we discussed but didn't disclose any of this to me. Do I note it to myself but let it go for now?


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Seems to me she should be going out of her way to demonstrate transparency. 

Either she is not very smart, or she is still being deceptive.

I don't see much else.

How long will you continue this way?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

farsidejunky said:


> Seems to me she should be going out of her way to demonstrate transparency.
> 
> Either she is not very smart, or she is still being deceptive.
> 
> ...


Apparently I am thinking the not very smart part. She didn't initiate but wasn't transparent. So do I wait or bring it up? Ultimately I want proof she is deceptive and not just being less than smart


----------



## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

I stand corrected- they did talk Friday for about 16-17 min. My wife had been gone Wed and Thurs and got back very late at night so took Fri off. He called 4:30 in the afternoon. That may sting a little- could be work related but don't know and again he called her


----------



## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I don't know the back story on your situation but..... I'm troubled that your wife doesn't know what is too friendly and what is not. She should know instinctively how to shut this stuff down and keep it strictly business. If the guy keeps coming on they he'd get a call from me (provided he wasn't in a position to hurt her career prospects and then my woman and I would have a talk about options... HR, transfer,etc ) Always having to check up on your partner is a terrible way to live. Been there.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

@bremik:

You have been posting about your wife's problems with boundaries on this site since 2009?!? Several threads, the same problem...over...and over...and over again.

Do you really think your wife is the only one with boundary problems?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

bremik... I am so sorry you have endured chronic boundary issues in your wife for the past seven years. That is a long time to live in such uncertainty and is surely having an impact on your health. I took the time to go through all of your previous threads before and I can tell she has REALLY poor boundaries AND it really rattled you. Hell, it rattled me just reading it. So, know you are absolutely in the right about wanting and desiring a home that feels emotionally safe and secure. NO ONE should have to worry or monitor long term like what you are doing. I was so glad to read your list of boundaries in a previous thread. My reaction was... FINALLY! Those boundaries have only been in place for about two months if my memory serves me right. Is that correct?


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Bremik, I have read all your threads to date and here are my thoughts:


Your wife has been cheating on you from day one and has come to know you as someone who will do nothing about it. 



Back in 2009 she fvcked around with Jay, Mike, Dave and God know who else and all you did about it was soft confront and then sweep under the rug instead of kicking her out then.


You should have had words with those pieces of sh!t directly and told them directly to stay the fvck away from your wife !


Now she is doing it again fully well knowing that you will do nothing about it that is serious. Tell this fvckwit to stay away from your wife (no matter what you decide to do with your wife).


You don't need any more proof - she has disrespected and deceived you enough for a thousand lifetimes - yet you still try and find a reason to look the other way and stay.


If you truly want this to end, you have to man up and kick her out. Let her see real consequences. 


Do not make any promises, but give her a list of things she must do for you to even consider reconciliation.


And do not play the pick me dance if she does go off to another man. She will not respect you for it. As it is she does not respect you and you need to get that respect back.


So step up and reclaim your self respect. She has not and will not change based on the way you currently are dealing with her.


----------



## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

Blossom Leigh said:


> bremik... I am so sorry you have endured chronic boundary issues in your wife for the past seven years. That is a long time to live in such uncertainty and is surely having an impact on your health. I took the time to go through all of your previous threads before and I can tell she has REALLY poor boundaries AND it really rattled you. Hell, it rattled me just reading it. So, know you are absolutely in the right about wanting and desiring a home that feels emotionally safe and secure. NO ONE should have to worry or monitor long term like what you are doing. I was so glad to read your list of boundaries in a previous thread. My reaction was... FINALLY! Those boundaries have only been in place for about two months if my memory serves me right. Is that correct?


Yes it has been 2 months


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

bremik said:


> Yes it has been 2 months


In my situation it took a solid year to eighteen months after implementing hard core boundaries to see change really start taking effect. Thought you might like to know that.


----------



## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

Blossom Leigh said:


> In my situation it took a solid year to eighteen months after implementing hard core boundaries to see change really start taking effect. Thought you might like to know that.


So what did you do? Like I said she didn't initiate anything that I FOUND however I would be a fool to believe that it is totally one way. Did you start a divorce or separation? I made it pretty clear she was to inform me and here we are again. Nothing horrible but he sure can throw the nice comments in his emails and the fact that he HAD to call her the days she wasn't in are disturbing- but again he called her.

She doesn't know anything yet but I did ask her today if she finished reading Not Just Friends and she said she is reading it but not done. Told her I was curious because hadn't heard much lately. She immediately said she didn't realize she was still supposed to forward emails and would start again. I never said anything about emails and she hasn't forwarded what I saw from last week yet. Nor did she forward a text he sent her. 

So what do I do at this point? I am good with giving her more rope or do I get more severe? If I let her know I am looking it will disappear again though from her comments she either assumes I have looked or just has guilty conscience?

And yes thank you it did help to know how long it took you!


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

bremik said:


> So what did you do? Like I said she didn't initiate anything that I FOUND however I would be a fool to believe that it is totally one way. Did you start a divorce or separation? I made it pretty clear she was to inform me and here we are again. Nothing horrible but he sure can throw the nice comments in his emails and the fact that he HAD to call her the days she wasn't in are disturbing- but again he called her.
> 
> She doesn't know anything yet but I did ask her today if she finished reading Not Just Friends and she said she is reading it but not done. Told her I was curious because hadn't heard much lately. She immediately said she didn't realize she was still supposed to forward emails and would start again. I never said anything about emails and she hasn't forwarded what I saw from last week yet. Nor did she forward a text he sent her.
> 
> ...



Very welcome. Yes, I did initiate separation and divorce papers. By the time I realized my boundaries REALLY needed a massive kick in the pants his anger was totally out of control and he had both me and our little boy terrified of him. I told him his anger was beyond my ability to cope and going forward I felt he needed professional help. I was no longer willing to live in fear. I told him Fall of 2013 that if he did not seek professional help by Jan 2014, we would be separating. If he continued to not seek professional help after that he would be choosing to risk divorce with me. 

January rolled around and he had not gone, but he had turned on the sugar. So I watched and three weeks in after no movement towards a professional, I let him know my ultimatim still stood. He blew up hard. Spoke to several people around us that confirmed that what I was saying was accurate. He still did nothing, so two weeks later as his anger continued to escalate, I kicked him out of the house. Whithin two weeks he was with a professional and I saw the first signs of change just hours before I was to serve him with divorce papers. He never knew the divorce papers were sitting on ready, but I believe he sensed just how done I was. 

Once he was all in, he was all in. Two to six hours of counseling every single week for almost a solid year. The infidelity stuff, he offered transparency of his own accord and has maintained great boundaries. I have not had to baby sit him on that.


----------



## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

That sounds like a course of action I could take. Do you see a problem with that? 

Give her the choice- either go to some kind of counseling for your poor boundaries or we divorce. If I need to go with her I will but at this point I think she needs to figure out why she can't stick to boundaries. I think everyone has adequately pointed out on here that I have been patient enough.

It isn't like we fight, we have a great time with just the two of us and again I am very pleased with how our children are turning out. If this boundary thing was under control I wouldn't have a complaint in the world. It is the craziest and most confusing thing I have ever endured.

My other question is do I say something to the coworker? I have always felt it is her job to behave and me saying something to someone taking advantage of a situation she gets herself in really seems pointless. If she quit her actions he would have nothing. That's why I focus on her not them.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

bremik said:


> That sounds like a course of action I could take. Do you see a problem with that?
> 
> Give her the choice- either go to some kind of counseling for your poor boundaries or we divorce. If I need to go with her I will but at this point I think she needs to figure out why she can't stick to boundaries. I think everyone has adequately pointed out on here that I have been patient enough.
> 
> ...


I definitely think her boundary issues are severe enough to warrant it. 

I would have no problem telling someone to back the F*** off my H until he was strong enough to do it himself.

And did.... THAT was an epic story... *evil grin*


----------



## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

The only real way I can initiate all this is to make her aware that I know things from last week. She is going to have to be more accountable than ever.

So this is what I am thinking......

J you have one of 2 choices

1) You will sit with me when I call coworker from your phone and let him know if I find one more out of line email or text I will inform HR and his wife

B) You will go to counseling for the lack of boundaries immediately and I will go if needed

OR

2) You are free to leave and I will file divorce papers immediately

Will that get the point across?


----------



## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

I would like to know that story if you care to share!


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

bremik said:


> I would like to know that story if you care to share!


Lol... After Dday, I made it a point to know where the OW lived, who every single relative was, where they live and work. And I just sat on that information, waiting and watching. Part of the info I had was knowing that she had slept with her H's brother while she was trying to sack mine. So, about two weeks later she tried to reestablish contact with my H after he had initiated No Contact with her. So instead of calling her, he called me to let me know. At the time he was scared to death of making a wrong move and losing me, so I told him "I'll handle it." So I called her and said... My H told me you wanted to know what all I know. I proceeded to tell her that I had sent a friend request to her entire family on Facebook, and started naming names and made it a point to highlight the bothers name in a way that let her know "I knew".. I could hear her quaking. I told her I had been preparing to take her down, that I had every right to since I would be the one left behind explaining to my son why his Papa was gone. And I said, but I have refrained because when I looked at all the facebook pages, there were so many kids involved that would be impacted, so in a very calm but stern voice I told her So, my best advice is for ALL of us to walk away from this and never look back. I got a quaking yes ma'am and we hung up. Other than witnessing to her later, we never heard from her again.


----------

