# Bitter, better, or both?



## njdad (Mar 29, 2012)

So, when my wife gave me the ILYBINILWY speech about 4 months back, I vowed that I would not quit on our marriage or our family. I did everything I could think of to get her back. Some counseling (which she didn't like), gifts (which she didn't want), getting in her face, giving her space, working out, helping out, you name it. She acknowledged nothing. Never a smile or a thank you or any inkling of reconsideration. In time, I realized that I wasn't the only one at fault in this situation -- she wasn't there for me, just like I wasn't there for her -- but I still didn't want to see our marriage end. As more time passed, my shock and depression turned to anger. How could she quit on our family? Why wouldn't she give me another chance? How could she be so cold and selfish? But still, I told myself that she was entitled to act this way and that I was feeling what she had felt for some time. Now however, I'm just sick of it. Sick of her not seeing what a good man she has or realizing what all of this is doing and will continue to do to her family. On the one hand, I feel some relief; like I've woken up, learned to accept things, and can move on a bit. On the other hand, I feel incredibly guilty and sad. I said I wouldn't quit, but now only four months later, I think about it. I am a loyal person and I love my wife or at least the person I used to know, before all of this stupidity. I don't want to give in to bitterness, hate, and pettiness. I want to have faith. But I just don't see it anymore. Is this normal? I am just entering another phase of the grieving process? What happens next?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Is she involved in another person? Often , it is the case when a spouse gets the dreaded speech and hence any efforts on your part won't work. Find out if she in an affair. It will have to end for you to have any chance.


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## njdad (Mar 29, 2012)

I don't think there is anyone else. She says no. Nothing in phone records or emails. Not sure when it would be happening. Don't get me wrong; I still wonder sometimes.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I know the feeling.

I even managed to get my wife back for a short while, but then she left again. So selfishly and cold-heartedly. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. 

I spent 11 years of my life with her and looking back, I realize how much more committed I was compared to her *all along*.

I too had the "no giving up" attitude, and I probably still do. I still feel the pain with all my body. I wonder if I'll ever stop loving her despite all the pain she's caused. 

I too am angry, and I know exactly how it feels to feel anger and guilt at the same time. It's not pretty. It's such a draining feeling. 

I don't wonder if it's normal anymore. I know it's normal. I see hundreds, if not thousands of people who are going through this at the same time.

I think you and I share the mistake of having thought "my wife is different. She's not like the other ones that leave their husbands. Our relationship is too deep for her to throw everything away".

Well, I'm now realizing, that my wife was not special, nor was our marriage. She left me without closure. After 11 years, I feel like I have nothing to live for anymore. Nothing means much to me.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Njdad I feel for ya dude. Scenario wise we are going through the exact same thing. Didn't matter what I did, or said .. she wouldn't have any of it, wiped her hands clean and moved on.

For her, it's easier that way. To not care and just look forward to her own life doing what she is doing. 

You are going through all the regular emotions, there is no exact way but your feelings will flip flop and you will get aggravated about many things that you think about, especially from the past.

In the 3 months since this happened, I feel like I have taken a lot more responsibility for my actions in our marriage. The things I did, the things I didn't do when needed and all the stuff in between. One of the most frustrating things is the fact that it doesn't matter now .. there is nothing I could say to change her mind.

All the things she had wanted to change .. were actually slowing starting to come together, they were taking shape. But the truth is, she probably just didn't want to even bother anymore. We were about to buy a house again and move onward, didn't matter. She took that as time to run away.

For me, the most aggravating thing is the fact that she probably doesn't feel any of the remorse I do. The inward thinking, no self realization or anything. It's all basic "I don't want this, I don't want that. I will find someone else to give it all to me."

The proof is in the pudding for me, she just got approved for welfare housing .. still might takes MONTHS before she gets approved, but then what? She's now a single mother with 2 children in a really crappy neighborhood, good luck I guess. As long as my 2 kids are safe .. good luck.

In the meantime, I will continue to work on myself. Evaluate how I have been doing, how I have been feeling and move on from there.

Last week I was a complete mess, look through some of my posts .. it's all over the place. But for the last 2 or so days I have been doing better. So what if I'm living at my mothers right now, the fact is, I can use this time to rebuild myself. I use HER idiocy to better myself mentally now, she's the one taking the complete copout but yet still judges me for what I am doing.

I too never thought this would end, I didn't want to quit on it. Even now I still get worried and even scared to think that my last 7 years is about to be erased. The thought of meeting someone else, starting all over .. just doesn't make me feel well, doesn't sit properly.

But then again, maybe that's a good thing. I'm not ready and I defiantly don't want to rush things.

The guilt you are feeling, I totally get it. Isn't it amazing how you re-write the history of your conversations, arguments and anything else you feel guilty about? For too long I turned everything around and made myself out to be the bad guy, even when I felt I was right... SHE made me feel that way, her mind games.

It's a 50 / 50 fault for sh!t rolling downhill, it's not just on us. What we need to do is learn how to not care how they view it all. It doesn't matter, we have no control over it.

Hope you start to feel better a little more each day, you will .. it just takes time.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I'd have to richly speculate that probably 9 times out of 10, it's going to be primarily because of either an existing or potential EA and/or PA that is at least in its infancy; and which, in all liklihood, is already in some underground phase!


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