# Jealousy.



## danie12 (May 30, 2012)

I’m not a jealous person by nature. And I’m not really now either. For a long while I got bit by that bug and was hugely jealous of any woman my husband looked at, talked to, or brought up in conversation. 

I’ll tell you how this happened in me…

When we first got together, like I said I’m not a jealous person so I didn’t act that way with him. Over the years he gave me reason to be jealous of his actions. I know I bought into it and allowed myself to become this type of woman. I never felt real comfortable with these feelings. Truly, the feeling of jealousy brings an icky-ness in me that I just don’t like. I don’t like to blame others for my actions so I need to own that I allowed myself to sink into the ‘jealous wife’ role. 

So, when we first got together I didn’t harp on him about anything…truly I was just enjoying the company and never thought we’d really lead to long-term relationship. He cheated on me in the first year of our relationship…I was highly upset but not devastated, I just didn’t *feel* the level of love for him then as I do now. So I walked away. He did/said the right things so I got back together with him. About a year or so later we moved in together. 

I notice (now as I look back) that he started saying things that didn’t sit well with me, but being me I never told him that these things bugged me (truthfully most of my life I’ve just really floated along in the moment so didn’t hold onto whatever happened in the past). Sometimes he’d be out with the boys, at the bar after work, and he’d come home and tell me about this chick or that chick wanting to be with him. These are the types of things that sat wrong with me. If I was smarter back then I’d have probably left him…but now, it’s in the past. So he justified these comments by saying that at least he was being honest with me. I accept that as good enough. 

So the years went by. These comment continued. I guess I need to let you know that he’s extremely jealous. Extremely. Again, if I was smarter back then I’d have known that he was projecting onto me. Honestly, I think he may have been cheating a lot, for a long time…a long time ago. Do I want to open that can of worms? Not really. Does it bug me, sure…but not enough to want to open that can of worms. 

He did cheat on me about 6 yrs ago. He moved out at my request. He was in an open relationship with her. He wanted to reconcile, I said ok. We reconciled successfully and have a much-much better relationship now. We’ve both done some deep “me” work…well, I know I have and he says he has (my gut says yes he did) but I guess I’ll never really truly know how deep his “me” work has gone. I’m ok with not knowing because the ultimate proof is in his actions. I’m all about the actions now, not so much the words. 

Anyway, the past is over and done with, there’s no going back only forward. So now as I move forward with my life, in our relationship, I work on the lingering jealousy issues that are in me. I struggle sometimes with wanting to ‘control’ my life and by extension his life. I work at allowing myself to trust in me to the point that if he did cheat again I’d not be devastated with the situation. I never want to feel that sort of pain again…and yet, I find that for me to really and truly move to the place I want to be at inside of myself…I need to be more open with him…as in allow my guard down. I’m not at all sure I can do that completely with him ever again…or with any other man for that matter. 

I’m not damaged goods. I love him, trust him (to be him), respect him, don’t harp on him…and generally I’m all good. Its’ the deeper me that’s not so good. If that makes any sort of sense at all. I’ve gotten much better at letting him know where I’m at when his actions/words bug me…or when I’m just feeling insecure for no good reason. 

Not sure if I have a specific question…I think I’m more looking for comments, others ideas, stories that may relate to this…or even just thoughts to add to the idea of jealousy, whether connected to infidelity or not.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Huh. It's clear that you've done a lot of introspection on this.

I'm going to shock the hell out of everyone here and say that I think you are jealous for a reason, I think it's your inner voice telling you that something is very wrong, and you are trying to rationalize your way out of it. There is some kind of alarm bell in your post that makes me think he is still cheating.

**************

Now -- having said that, let's put that aside. You sound pretty sensible. I'm also a very jealous person, intrinsically, but I've learned to recognize that about myself and to put it aside. In other words, I feel the feelings, but I realize that I don't have to act on them. Sounds like that is what you are doing, and that's a good and mature way to act. Assuming that he is not doing anything, keeping your jealousy to yourself is a wise thing, because it's never an attractive characteristic to show a lover (as you know).

And you are right that keeping your emotional guard always up is, over time, going to erode your relationship. If you trust completely and let yourself be vulnerable, then yep, you might get hurt. Or you might have an incredible human connection. Or both. That's just life. But not risking it means you are cutting yourself off from some infinite depths of love and connection. It's like people who experience so much pain from losing a dog that they never get a dog again -- safer, yes, but a much poorer existence.

I know this comment is all over the place, and I apologize for that, but you had some very good thoughts and made me think as well.

Best to you.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

So he keeps cheating and you're jealous...that's basically it, isn't it? Either put up or get out, I'm thinking. Best.


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## danie12 (May 30, 2012)

He’s not cheating. He has cheated in the past. 

I don’t know how to let my guard completely down. What does one do to achieve this? I completely trust him…to be him…and I know him to be capable of cheating and of hurting me. So knowing the stove is hot, why would I take off the oven mitt? Is there a trick to this that I just don’t know?

to be clear this is not a post about cheating, it's about me and how to deal with my issues. I don't want to talk about the cheating anymore...I've introspected the heck out of that enough already.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Nope, no trick. Your gut is sending you a message.


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## danie12 (May 30, 2012)

no, I know he's not cheating. You can believe me to be wrong, but I'm not. So...any other ideas?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

danie12 said:


> Is there a trick to this that I just don’t know?


Being cheated on is a deep deep wound. There is no 'trick' for you to just magically be over this. It takes time to heal and there are no shortcuts.

So even if he is being faithful NOW the wound is still there. It hasn't healed yet and that's why you are feeling this way. And the more you disrespect those feelings the longer they will stick with you.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

You're still afraid he'll cheat. Since you've proven to him you accept this type of behaviour, he will probably continue.

A trick? Prepare to be cheated on again. Accept it and move forward. Figure out a way to numb yourself against it. Cheat on him, perhaps.

And really, if it weren't about cheating, you'd never have mentioned it. Good luck with it!


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## danie12 (May 30, 2012)

Thank you for your thoughts. So what do I do? 

See, this is where I'm at...the cheating happened for a reason. It wasn't just one day he woke up and thought "hey I think I'll start cheating" it happened at a time in our lives where things were very stressful for both of us. Not saying that makes it ok, but just sayin...

So this happened about 6 yrs ago. The rest of our story started 20 yrs ago. The jealous thing in me happened well before the cheating of 6 yrs ago. This is where I need to try to unravel this mess inside of me. 

Like I said it's not *just* about the cheating, the cheating wasn't the real problem, the real problem started a long-long time ago. I don't want to keep getting caught up in the last 6 yrs because there's more to it than this.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

And without my googling it, isn't jealousy a natural emotion we get when we feel threatened (or something like that)?


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## danie12 (May 30, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> You're still afraid he'll cheat. Since you've proven to him you accept this type of behaviour, he will probably continue.
> 
> A trick? Prepare to be cheated on again. Accept it and move forward. Figure out a way to numb yourself against it. Cheat on him, perhaps.
> 
> And really, if it weren't about cheating, you'd never have mentioned it. Good luck with it!


Thank you for your thoughts but you are really not being helpful to me. You are projecting yourself onto me. I'm not afraid and I'm not numb.


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## danie12 (May 30, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> And without my googling it, isn't jealousy a natural emotion we get when we feel threatened (or something like that)?


This is helpful. I think maybe my wiring is skewed up right now. Like I said in my origianl post, I'm not a jealous person by nature. So I'm not really now either....but it's like a lingering cloud over me...like a safety blanket or something.


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## seesah (Apr 26, 2012)

danie12 said:


> no, I know he's not cheating. You can believe me to be wrong, but I'm not. So...any other ideas?


The only thing that works for me is to tell myself that I have no control over whether he's cheating or not. I've been cheated on and betrayed so many times in past relationships that it's hard for me to know when I'm being rational or not. What I do when I'm feeling a sense that he might be cheating is take a mental step back and ask myself why I think he is cheating, if I've noticed any red flags other than the emotions I'm feeling at the time, and then I remind myself that I don't have control and I don't let it spiral out of control if I've noticed a pattern in his behavior.

I know what it feels like to not be able to trust your "instincts" anymore. The norm that I got used to was being betrayed and lied to. Now that I'm in a healthy relationship, I go back to that state all of the time even when I have no reason to. He could be late coming home and I've already spiraled into a certainty that he's cheating.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I think you've put your finger on it, Danie, it is like a safety blanket, and you'll need it as long as you need it. Mavash is right, trying to get rid of troublesome feelings just makes them stronger. Can you just accept for a while that you are going to have these unpleasant feelings, and that you can survive them? Just watch them, observe them, and don't try to get rid of them -- you also don't have to act on them.

Good luck.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

danie12 said:


> Thank you for your thoughts but you are really not being helpful to me. *You are projecting yourself onto me*. I'm not afraid and I'm not numb.


Uh...nope. I've not been cheated on by my husband.

You're asking for tricks. There are none. Either accept your husband's behaviour, or don't, those are really your only choices. As humans, most of us are hardwired to get jealous when our mates flock off with someone else.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Being cheated on is a deep deep wound. There is no 'trick' for you to just magically be over this. It takes time to heal and there are no shortcuts.
> 
> So even if he is being faithful NOW the wound is still there. It hasn't healed yet and that's why you are feeling this way. *And the more you disrespect those feelings the longer they will stick with you*.


:iagree::iagree:
Just honor the way that to you feel. The only way out is through.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Your feelings are always valid no matter WHY or where they came from. Have you considered asking yourself where they come from? Not from the aspect of making them going away but from an accepting curious state.


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## danie12 (May 30, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Uh...nope. I've not been cheated on by my husband.
> 
> You're asking for tricks. There are none. Either accept your husband's behaviour, or don't, those are really your only choices. As humans, most of us are hardwired to get jealous when our mates flock off with someone else.


Fair enough. The thing is that you are speaking to me as if you know what's really going on in my life and I have no clue. That isn't helping me. But thanks for trying. 

I do accept him for who he is and how he is, now. 

Please don't get hung up on the word 'tricks' as it's just the way I talk, not that I literally mean *tricks* but more like tips and what's worked for others.


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## danie12 (May 30, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Your feelings are always valid no matter WHY or where they came from. Have you considered asking yourself where they come from? Not from the aspect of making them going away but from an accepting curious state.


This is intersting. I think I have, but maybe not gone deep enough into myself or my answers to be able to really give a solid answer. I'll reflect on this some more.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Well then only time will heal. Seriously. It really does heal, you'll just have to be patient.


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

Honestly, I have been there and I have found that honestly you have to take that chance and let your guard down. If you get hurt well then you know once and for all that you shouldnt be with him. If you don't get hurt it will be the best chance to heal, and make your relationship grow and become stronger. Because the others are right if you keep that guard up too long you will turn into a paranoid mess and your relationship will be affected. If you would like to pm or talk I am here  best of luck to you dear


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## danie12 (May 30, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Well then only time will heal. Seriously. It really does heal, you'll just have to be patient.



You've never been cheated on...so how do you come to this conclusion? I guess time heals all wounds, but is that really true? I don't know. For the most part, yes I believe it is true...but there's a little part of me that says no....but again this isn't just about the cheating it's really about me and my life...everything...but I have to start someplace so I picked this topic.


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## danie12 (May 30, 2012)

This feeling of jealousy and the defense isn't only about the infidelity...it's about our life together. well before the cheating. 

I'm not sure how to address this aspect inside myself and NOT get hung up on the cheating aspect (again)...I don't want to keep hitting that brick wall...I want to move past that wall.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I say this with deepest concern. You seem to be sensitive with this whole conversation and with what we are saying to you. We are only trying to help. 

As far as the topic you know you have the ability to delete this whole thread and start a new one.  I do it all the time. LOL


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## danie12 (May 30, 2012)

I suppose I am...

I just left two other forums because I really want to move past the infidelity aspect of my issues...there is more to me, to my life, and to my issues than the infidelity...and it seems like when I keep getting responses aimed at the cheating it's like spinning my wheels in the same spot. I'm tired of spinning my wheels in that spot. 

I probably won't be deleting any of my posts or topics as I'm not about hiding things or pretending they don't exist and that's what it would feel like to me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Being cheated on will give you a jealous bone where you've never had one before.

That is a fact. 

He cheated on you twice, with wo different women. With teh second one, he had an open relationship after you dumped him. 

It's completely understandable why you do n't trust him (because he has shown he isn't worthy of being trusted--twice now) and why you feel jealous. 

I wish had some magic bean to give you to make those icky feelings go away but there is no easy solution. Either you trust him. Or you don't. And you don't. With good reason.

Therapy?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

danie12 said:


> I just left two other forums because I really want to move past the infidelity aspect of my issues...there is more to me, to my life, and to my issues than the infidelity...and it seems like when I keep getting responses aimed at the cheating


I can understand you not wanting to deal with that. And wishing it all away. But your entire situation/concern is rooted in that, unfortunately. Your jealous stems from a husband who cheated on you more than once. It's the root cause of your feelings. So I think it's best to deal with the root of the problem and work your way out of it.


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## danie12 (May 30, 2012)

No therapy. 

How does one deal with the root cause if they believe they've already deal with it?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Then you need to try something new--something you haven't tried before. Only you know what that is.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

danie12 said:


> How does one deal with the root cause if they believe they've already deal with it?


Look harder. If you truly think you've dealt with the root cause then you wouldn't be here so obviously it means one of two things. Either you haven't dealt with it or there is another yet undiscovered issue.


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## danie12 (May 30, 2012)

If I knew what to do I wouldn't be here asking what to do. I'm looking for suggestions.


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## danie12 (May 30, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Look harder. If you truly think you've dealt with the root cause then you wouldn't be here so obviously it means one of two things. Either you haven't dealt with it or *there is another yet undiscovered issue*.


this is were I'm going....the other undiscoverd issue.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

danie12 said:


> You've never been cheated on...so how do you come to this conclusion? I guess time heals all wounds, but is that really true? I don't know. For the most part, yes I believe it is true...but there's a little part of me that says no....but again this isn't just about the cheating it's really about me and my life...everything...but I have to start someplace so I picked this topic.


My husband hasn't cheated, but I'm in my 40's and married later in life, so have been through plenty of arseholes who have cheated. At the time, it was the end of the world. Now, I look back on those instances (and there have been several), and really, it just doesn't hurt anymore. I leared a lot. I learned what to be wary of. What constitutes a red flag, what doesn't.

The biggest heartaches / heartbreaks of my life: losing the one time love of my life due to stupid circumstance and stubbornness? I got over it. Took about 3 years, but I did...I look back today and wonder what the big deal was, seriously. It was almost 10 years ago.

Then, the deaths of 3 of my closest friends within 9 months of one another, all fairly young. It'll be 5 years since the last one died...I still miss her, all 3 of them really, but life goes on, and I can think of them without crying and being brought to my knees. And ya, I was a wreck, sobbing on the floor, ...jeesh...! I lived to tell the tale, as they say.

Time. Give it time.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I think what you want is an easy button and trust me I totally get that. I've got 13K invested in therapy trying to heal my issues and there is one certainty in this life. There is no easy button. 

If I or anyone here had one I promise you we'd share.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

danie12 said:


> this is were I'm going....the other undiscoverd issue.


Fair enough. So start talking. When did it start? Have you always been this way? What triggered it? Lets dig deep. Do a timeline.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I think there's a difference in being a jealous person, per se, and a person whose trust in a relationship has been broken. The latter leads to feelings of insecurity in the relationship and a heightened sense of awareness of any threat to it - real or perceived. 

Regarding your own situation, I think you either have to accept your husband's behaviour (in the knowledge that you might always feel this way with him), or walk away.


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## danie12 (May 30, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Fair enough. So start talking. When did it start? Have you always been this way? What triggered it? Lets dig deep. Do a timeline.


Look at the original post. I say this started in the beging of our relationship. I think he wanted me to be jealous because it fed his ego? maybe? again, I own my actions and bought into it for a time.


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## danie12 (May 30, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> I think there's a difference in being a jealous person, per se, and a person whose trust in a relationship has been broken. The latter leads to feelings of insecurity in the relationship and a heightened sense of awareness of any threat to it - real or perceived.
> 
> Regarding your own situation, I think you either have to accept your husband's behaviour (*in the knowledge that you might always feel this way with him*), or walk away.


yea...and this is tough. 

walk away from 95% of a loving relationship with someone I am in love with...for the chane at the other 5%...I don't know if that other 5% is worth it.


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## danie12 (May 30, 2012)

Mavash,

I'm wrong. I started before I met him....

When I was young I had some bad things happen to me. I was stupid and went out drinking (underage) and that put me in a vulnerable situation...yes, I was raped. And I've always blamed myself for not staying home. It broke my trust in men. 

I think I've always been looking for the easy button on this one.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Now you're getting somewhere....

Sweetie there is no quick fix to get over that kind of trauma and it explains why you're attracted to men who treat you badly. You likely think all men do it or that you deserve it somehow. And I don't care how drunk you were you didn't deserve to be raped.

This is another very DEEP wound.


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## danie12 (May 30, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Now you're getting somewhere....
> 
> Sweetie there is no quick fix to get over that kind of trauma and it explains why you're attracted to men who treat you badly. You likely think *all men do it *or that you deserve it somehow. And I don't care how drunk you were you didn't deserve to be raped.
> 
> This is another very DEEP wound.


This has been my experience. No matter what, it seems like every man I know has f'ed up somehow and hurt those who love him. I see this from looking around me and from looking at my past. 

I feel like an oxymoron..because I am viewed by others as somewhat of a Pollyanna (sp?) or too optimistic...and I do always look for the good in others. Yet I have very little faith in most people. I just want to believe in the goodness, I see it in them, but...maybe I just don't trust it?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Jellybeans said *: So I think it's best to deal with the root of the problem and work your way out of it.


 Yes, digging to get to the ROOTS will be your "deliverance" in these things, your pathway to the light. 

I haven't read all of the posts here (forgive me)... but 1st .....to keep saying you are not the "Jealous type" - -what that says to me is... you have become NUMB to the authentic emotions that could take you down but you keep fighting it, denying it, this is your sheild of self protection. This is not going to help, you need to face this for what it is, you are mad as hell as what he has done :FIREdevil:... even if it was 6 yrs ago !!! 

WHen you love someone, and you trusted them with your heart...then a betrayal like that takes place... for whatever reason....you are supposed to feel Damn DEEPLY about it !!! ....like you were slapped in the face, a brick hit your head, you fell off a cliff. To deny this or want to push this under the rug will NEVER NEVER work... you are trying to go around the murky pond to get to the other side but unfortunetely the real peace will only come when you trudge through these deep emotions you are trying to deny.

You have lost TRUST in this man, and the TRUST has not been rebuilt.... heartfelt communication, forgiveness given , and new boundaries have not been erected to make you feel this safety in his arms ....with your heart open again before him...even if he is not cheating now, the past needs delt with.... to allow what you are seeking here... a true vulnerability to show before him.... and him to you. You both need resolution, forgiveness, understanding and to SEE and accept one another for who you both really are. 



> I don’t know how to let my guard completely down. What does one do to achieve this? I completely trust him…to be him…and I know him to be capable of cheating and of hurting me. So knowing the stove is hot, why would I take off the oven mitt? Is there a trick to this that I just don’t know.


 What you are asking here is about being utterly vulnerable before another person... to let go and be your true self....with the good, the bad, the ugly and still be utterly accepted for who you are. Many many struggle with this due to excrusiating hurts in their past...they've built walls to surround their heart...A fear of being viewed as "imperfect", not good enough, not worthy.... immobilizes so many. 

I did a thread on this very subject....the 1st line has a 20 minute "eye opening" video about what you are asking... and an outline of what was spoken by this amazing Author (one of my favorites)......please take the time to watch ....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...r-its-pain-its-beauty-how-vulnerable-you.html

.


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## danie12 (May 30, 2012)

I will definitely take a look at that video, thank you. 

I need to take some time to think on all of this, keep the thread going if there's more to say...I'll be back, probably in a few days.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

danie12 said:


> I feel like an oxymoron..because I am viewed by others as somewhat of a Pollyanna (sp?) or too optimistic...and I do always look for the good in others. Yet I have very little faith in most people. I just want to believe in the goodness, I see it in them, but...maybe I just don't trust it?


 All people have good in them, but we all have some unfavorable things too...... we need to be realistic .....How to judge character.... what do you look at ?? I personally look at someone's history more than anything else, what type of friends they hang with.. this usually speaks volumes... it is so much more about ACTIONS than what comes out of someone's mouth.... many players out there putting on a good show. 

I've been accused of being the Pollyanna type myself... but I am very different ... where you try to trust early... always looking for that good, too optimistic...but deep down you have very little faith... try turning this on it's head... 

Allow these men to Prove themselves to you...give it TIME, the greatest measuring stick......let them earn your trust little by little, step by step...... . nothing wrong with being a little skeptical ...I would think this is wise.

To trust & give your heart too quickly to those who have not proven themselves to be worthy of you....is often to set ourselves up for even more hurt. Again, I missed some of this -didn't read all of these replies here, but sounds you have had a Rape in your early years.... and have lost trust in all men.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

danie12 said:


> I feel like an oxymoron..because I am viewed by others as somewhat of a Pollyanna (sp?) or too optimistic...and I do always look for the good in others. Yet I have very little faith in most people. I just want to believe in the goodness, I see it in them, but...maybe I just don't trust it?


I recently read a book called I think Nice Girl Syndrome and she discusses this very issue. Women who are too trusting, looking for the good in people ignoring signs. She gives tips on how to discern those signs. From this discussion you sound like someone who could benefit from this book.

What's happened is you've looked for goodness when in fact there was none there. Cheating/abusive men prey on women like you.

You're a nice girl who wants to believe in goodness and the lack of faith in people is because you've been let down and hurt by others. The truth is there are good people and not so good people. Your job is to learn to tell the difference between the two.


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## danie12 (May 30, 2012)

Thank you for the video link. I watched it and have reflected on this over the last few day. 

I can see where/why I have an issue...and it is my issue. My husband’s always been very open and honest with me and has deeply shared himself with me. I, on the other hand, have always been closed, quite, and have keep a part of myself guarded and hidden from him...from everyone. 

I can understand that I need to let go of that...fear? Or whatever it is...it doesn't feel like fear, but I could be wrong on that. I will be looking at this more deeply over the next few months. I still don't know *how* to let go, how to open up...because I've always believed myself to be open and honest...it's almost like there is more than one *me* inside of me. It's a very weird feeling. 

I wonder if one can schedule their 'breakdown' ? because if I can schedule this then I would hold off for a few months until some things come off my plate. I just have soooo much to do right now and really can't afford to start down this particular path now.


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