# Broke down and called...bad and good



## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

So I've been trying so hard not to call or msg or have any contact with my husband. I did so well since last Thursday. But then yesterday in the mail I got notice that money I counted on would be gone as of this month....$500 a mth. I'm finishing school...not working and so that much money is a lot to lose. My first instinct was to call my H and tell him/get some answers on how much per month he was going to give us reliably etc. I held out until this morning and called him. I got vm but he called right back. I tried to sound casual...no emotion but the minute I heard his voice I teared up....I told him we needed to talk about the finances as we were losing this money etc. He snapped back "you have access to the bank acct...you have a card use it!" I kept my calm and said yes I do but this paycheck you took half the money out so I need to know more reliably what your intent is. He was very snappy and short with me....then mentioned something about his job (the plant is supposed to be closing April 1st and he would either have to transfer to another or lose his job). I asked him if he knew if he were moving yet...he talked a little about it then I asked if that were why he left...did he think I wouldnt support him if he didnt want to stay with the company and instead gave up his job. He got short again and said no...that I knew our marriage was going downhill and basically it was my fault he left like he did and I knew it. Then he hung up....which he usually always does now.

At first I was so hurt, I couldnt resist calling back and "having the last word" I wasent mean or angry or upset even. I held a calm voice and I told him that he could push me away and be angry and that was his choice but I had a choice too and until he filed papers, I was still his wife and I would keep hope that we would work on this and come together as a family again. I told him that no matter what was going on with us though, that our children didn't deserve to feel abandoned and he needed to come and see them and stick to seeing them each week. 

In some ways I feel better since the call....he was very emotional and still unable or unwilling to deal with anything thats happening. He sounded hurt....which doesnt make me feel 'better' but in a way it does to know he's not just indifferent to us...feeling nothing. 

I don't know what the future will bring but I know I'll be ok and my kids will too.


----------



## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

Guess I read his "emotions" all wrong...this is what I got via email back: 

Melissa I am not coming home. I really don’t think this is going to get fixed. I will help out with finances’ and be there for Dylan. I did not walk out on him I walked out on you. the kids had nothing to do with this. I am filing for a divorce. We can settle outside of court or go to court that’s up to you. I prefer to leave it out of the courts hands but if there is any fighting we will go to court. The money like I said I will have 1000 a month for support of the kids. I really think that is fair. More then fair. I would like to have Dylan every other weekend. I will carry the insurance on all of us. Sorry it has to be this way but I had enough.

Such a stupid girl I am...


----------



## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

I think you should give him time to miss u. no more contact from u. 
How old is your son?


----------



## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Every state has a child support formula. It is based on your husbands income, gross income. Depending on your state you may find a child support calculator on line.

I have no idea what happened or how old you and your husband are but he is not being very responsible. What ever you do, do not agree with anything or sign anything without getting professional legal advise.


----------



## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

Our son together is 4. I have two sons from my first marriage who are 15, 13 who he's raised for the past 9 years.


----------



## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

Ok but he's only asking for Dylan. Unfortunately he's leaving them too and don't push them on him because it will hurt them in the long run. Do Dylan attend school?


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Well he's committing to $1000/month which considering your situation is pretty fair I would say.

He sounds very fed up with you. What was his major complain?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

synthetic said:


> Well he's committing to $1000/month which considering your situation is pretty fair I would say.
> 
> He sounds very fed up with you. What was his major complain?


How do you know $1000 is fair? Have you been snooping in their bank accounts? You know who's going to be responsible for which bills?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

PBear said:


> How do you know $1000 is fair? Have you been snooping in their bank accounts? You know who's going to be responsible for which bills?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LOL! Chill 

I was just going by her own posts. Her husband is possibly going to be unemployed in less than 2 months. That doesn't leave too many options on the table.


----------



## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

melissa68 said:


> Guess I read his "emotions" all wrong...this is what I got via email back:
> 
> Melissa I am not coming home. I really don’t think this is going to get fixed. I will help out with finances’ and be there for Dylan. I did not walk out on him I walked out on you. the kids had nothing to do with this. I am filing for a divorce. We can settle outside of court or go to court that’s up to you. I prefer to leave it out of the courts hands but if there is any fighting we will go to court. The money like I said I will have 1000 a month for support of the kids. I really think that is fair. More then fair. I would like to have Dylan every other weekend. I will carry the insurance on all of us. Sorry it has to be this way but I had enough.
> 
> Such a stupid girl I am...


Melissa, start asking around for good, bull dog lawyers. Go and get advice now. My H has pretty much said the same thing to me and in the same tone. He hasn't said he was filing but he won't do anything to pursue the marriage or divorce. He is sometimes using awhile or for now... but most of the time he sounds like your H. 

Have you looked at this site:

Child Support Calculators

Do as others say... go No Contact.


----------



## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

For my sanity and my kids I am going to do just that. Each time I contact him it just starts all over for me...I hurt so much and its spirals me down every time. 
I saw a quote today that hit home "never fight harder for someone elses heart than they are willing to fight for yours"

I've been begging and pleading with this man to come back to us after he's walked out....so many times I can't count and never looking back to see if we're ok...not even that common decency. Just runs. I apologize for his leaving, I forgive his abuse....and I spend days crying when it seems he doesnt even think of us. I have to break this pattern...no more. I've made it beyond clear I want to fix our problems...I can't control his feelings...if he wants to contact us he knows where we are. If I have to superglue my hands together I will not call again or msg. I've said it all....


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Stop begging and pleading.

Why forgive abuse? Holy crap. If he's abusive, then I'm glad he's gone. Sorry, but you don't need to be in an abusive home and neither does your child.


----------



## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

is there any way he can up your son without you seeing him?

In my situation my stbxh picks up my son from school then takes him back to school the next day then I pick him up. (My son says "mommy & daddy taking turns" lol) I told him I don't want to see him until I ready. It works for me.


----------



## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

Hi Melissa, I just wanted to say that I totally understand the hurt. I've been separated from my husband of 18 years since July, and we have a 15 year old daughter together.

For the most part I have been pretty good with communicating about "business only", but every once in a while I lose it a little bit and the emotions creep in. 

I find myself needing to believe that he still cares, just a little bit, and occasionally I try to bring something of that out in him. But of course I always end up regretting it, because it really appears that he does not care.

So gradually I am coming around to realizing that this is the new reality. This is the way things are. If it cannot be changed, it must be accepted.

It would be easier if we didn't have children and financial entanglements with these men - it keeps us tied to them. We cannot just totally walk away and never see them again. Another fact that cannot be changed.

We must do what we can to start "letting go". It's a gradual process, but we'll make it. Best wishes.


----------



## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

> For the most part I have been pretty good with communicating about "business only", but every once in a while I lose it a little bit and the emotions creep in.
> 
> I find myself needing to believe that he still cares, just a little bit, and occasionally I try to bring something of that out in him. But of course I always end up regretting it, because it really appears that he does not care.


Ditto with my stbxw.



> So gradually I am coming around to realizing that this is the new reality. This is the way things are. If it cannot be changed, it must be accepted. We must do what we can to start "letting go". It's a gradual process, but we'll make it. Best wishes.


As difficult as that can be, it is healthy. It has been two months since my separation. Last Monday I told my IC that I did not know how to let go, and that concerned me. I felt helpless. But the a few days later *I realized I missed and loved my wife - not the woman who left me*. She'd changed. For some reason, that made it easier to focus on moving forward. This has been the best week I've had since December 11th, the day she announced she wanted to leave. Not to say it's bee a week without sad times, but I feel I am finally on the road to recovery. Oh yeah... walking every day helps a lot. Clears the mind and helps clear the soul too.

Melissa, I'm not sure if this helps you at all, but thought I'd share. Best wishes and be strong.


----------



## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

canguy66 said:


> Ditto with my stbxw.
> 
> As difficult as that can be, it is healthy. It has been two months since my separation. Last Monday I told my IC that I did not know how to let go, and that concerned me. I felt helpless. But the a few days later *I realized I missed and loved my wife - not the woman who left me*. She'd changed. For some reason, that made it easier to focus on moving forward. This has been the best week I've had since December 11th, the day she announced she wanted to leave. Not to say it's bee a week without sad times, but I feel I am finally on the road to recovery. Oh yeah... walking every day helps a lot. Clears the mind and helps clear the soul too.
> 
> Melissa, I'm not sure if this helps you at all, but thought I'd share. Best wishes and be strong.



Walking/running has helped so much, it allowed me to walk the stress off especially when anxiety is strong. I actually have also noticed big changes physically because so I am working with my GP to get myself healthy in every other aspect too. You have older boys could they watch your 4 yr old for an hour 4 nights a week or maybe early morning?


----------



## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> Walking/running has helped so much, it allowed me to walk the stress off especially when anxiety is strong. I actually have also noticed big changes physically because so I am working with my GP to get myself healthy in every other aspect too. You have older boys could they watch your 4 yr old for an hour 4 nights a week or maybe early morning?


Me? Nope, no kids... although I was married to one. Whoops... did I say that?


----------



## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

I think she meant me canguy  I have teens and a 4 yr old. lol


----------



## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Ah, ok... I was quoted, so I thought it was meant pour moi.


----------



## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

canguy66 said:


> Ah, ok... I was quoted, so I thought it was meant pour moi.


No, I was sloppy... sorry,... I think I was going to make to replies but I wasn't "awake" enough.


----------



## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

So today was going so well....really good in fact, until I had to talk to my H. Someone called and it was important that he talk to them...long story. So I called to explain that he needed to call them. He was polite...made the call and even called me back to let me know. He made no mention of the vm I left the day before. I don't know if you'll recall but recently we talked about money and he agreed to leave a certain amt in a joint acct for us. Well I went to check the balance earlier and he had taken out another 140. on his way from work. Today....Valentines Day...how could I not A)read in to that B) not be upset. And not only that but it will overdraw the acct due to my paying bills with what I thought was left there for us to use. So I call him...calmly...said I noticed that you did a withdraw and unfortunately that will cause the acct to overdraw as I paid some bills. He went off on a rant/rage that here I go again messing him up....he can't even take his own *beep* money....I'm draining him...why didn't I take care of the bills myself...anything I said he came back with some awful remark. I got drawn right in and my emotions took over...started the usual questions...why are you so awful to us now? you left you're doing what you want...why are you so cruel? That only opened the door for him to say more awful things....and of course it ended with him "reminding" me that he didnt want me/didnt love me...and would be filing on Monday....gee I thought it was last monday? *yes that was sarcasm* I tried not to let it ruin the day....took my boys out to dinner...we came home...getting them ready for tmw...but the mood is definitely changed. I just don't understand the cruel remarks...the pointed meanness. I even said that Dylan was starting his first day of preschool tmw and I was starting my extern and he shouted "I dont care!" I'm starting to think he is on drugs or something...he's so dark and ugly now. Maybe I just want something to explain it...maybe he's just a cruel person period....


----------



## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

melissa68 said:


> So today was going so well....really good in fact, until I had to talk to my H. Someone called and it was important that he talk to them...long story. So I called to explain that he needed to call them. He was polite...made the call and even called me back to let me know. He made no mention of the vm I left the day before. I don't know if you'll recall but recently we talked about money and he agreed to leave a certain amt in a joint acct for us. Well I went to check the balance earlier and he had taken out another 140. on his way from work. Today....Valentines Day...how could I not A)read in to that B) not be upset. And not only that but it will overdraw the acct due to my paying bills with what I thought was left there for us to use. So I call him...calmly...said I noticed that you did a withdraw and unfortunately that will cause the acct to overdraw as I paid some bills. He went off on a rant/rage that here I go again messing him up....he can't even take his own *beep* money....I'm draining him...why didn't I take care of the bills myself...anything I said he came back with some awful remark. I got drawn right in and my emotions took over...started the usual questions...why are you so awful to us now? you left you're doing what you want...why are you so cruel? That only opened the door for him to say more awful things....and of course it ended with him "reminding" me that he didnt want me/didnt love me...and would be filing on Monday....gee I thought it was last monday? *yes that was sarcasm* I tried not to let it ruin the day....took my boys out to dinner...we came home...getting them ready for tmw...but the mood is definitely changed. I just don't understand the cruel remarks...the pointed meanness. I even said that Dylan was starting his first day of preschool tmw and I was starting my extern and he shouted "I dont care!" I'm starting to think he is on drugs or something...he's so dark and ugly now. Maybe I just want something to explain it...maybe he's just a cruel person period....


Okay, that all sucks. 
Let's look at this a piece at a time... 
1) Next time someone calls him and it's important. If it will not hurt YOU, take a msg and pass it on the next time he asks for messages. 
2)How old is he?
3) Start recording it all or printing it off. You will need it to show that he is not being financially responsible if you have to get nasty if it ends in D. 
4) Our H are acting so similar!


----------



## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

give the person his number if it's that important. stay out of it. LEAVE HIM ALONE. The more you push with your emotions he will continue to give you his a**hole to kiss.

CHILD SUPPORT ORDER IS NEEDED NOW!!!!


----------



## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

He sounds whacked! If anyone needs to reach him just give the other person his contact info.. You need to protect yourself/son financially.


----------



## nomoretogive (Oct 29, 2011)

justwhy said:


> give the person his number if it's that important. stay out of it. LEAVE HIM ALONE. The more you push with your emotions he will continue to give you his a**hole to kiss.
> 
> As hard as it is to digest, this is exactly how things will play out; the more he thinks you are pushing, the more he will pull away or become nastier to deal with. After the recent money issue, I agree that you need to get child support orders as quickly as you can. I know you don't want to tick him off, but he is tying your hands.
> 
> CHILD SUPPORT ORDER IS NEEDED NOW!!!!


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

