# Stonewalling



## aw5756 (Jul 9, 2010)

My husband has gotten lazier since he got out of the marine corps, but on the flip side he has also become a little more concerned about the marriage, just a tad. Now he wants to talk more. For the first two years of our marriage he didn't want to communicate any of the problems to me unless we were fighting, he said that's how they get resolved, I said no it's not. I urged and begged and pleaded with him to communicate with me, talk to me, or bond with me, but to no avail. Why? Because his parents fought everyday and they were married for over 20 years so it must be healthy, right? well, that's what he thinks. Now since our fights have gotten worse he wants to talk more, But I don't care to hear it. Now he gives me all the **** about how important it is that we communicate and I am only hurting our marriage because I won't talk to him. And I am sick of the fighting, I am sick of asking for change and getting nothing, and sick of making sacrifices just so I can stand back, and upon re-evaluation of my life, ask myself, is he really worth this BS? so now I have been stonewalling. I don't know how to stop. Now when we fight, my heart palpitates, its difficult to breathe and I often vomit, so I have to just cut myself off completely. When he starts yelling, I go someplace else in my head. I want to make things better because I believe they can be better, but I can't even trust him anymore. He picks apart everything I say and throws it in my face when we have a fight, mocks me and makes fun of me, screams about how I'm crazy loud enough so our roommates can hear. Last week he went into the living room while our roommates were there during a fight just so he could start screaming at me about how I'm depressed and suicidal. i knew he was only doing it because he wanted an audience. I also knew he was doing it in response to my lack of response. How do I stop this ridiculous behavior so we can both act like mature adults and I can trust him again? Talk to him again? I don't trust him with anything about myself. Our car rides are silent, dinner is silent, even our visits to our friends are spent me not talking to him. I'm scared to let him in and when I do tell him it's because I don't trust him, he doesn't understand that. He doesn't understand that despite the fact that I want to talk, I can't bring myself to talk because I'm sick of fighting and conflict and having everything I say either repeated back to his friends or thrown in my face 30 seconds later. Apparently stonewalling is the last thing that happens right before a divorce so I'm trying to save our marriage before it gets worse but I don't trust him or have respect for him, and every time he's around me my blood starts boiling. Is it too late for change? If not, how do you trust your spouse again and let go of past hurts and wrongs? Because all I see is the time I spent trying to make this marriage work and it feels like a wasted effort.


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## Robrobb (Jun 18, 2010)

I'm no pro, but I have the impression that you both want to make it work, but neither of you understands how to communicate with one another. If marriage counseling is an option for you, please take it up as soon as you can. If not, try reading through some communication books for couples. Pick up three or four - libraries always have them - read one yourself and leave the others where he can find them. He'll ask about them - tell the truth. Tell him you're making an effort to find out how to speak to him so that you can really talk. Find a secluded place to read, and I'll bet, if he doesn't think you can see him, he'll take another off the stack and start reading. Give it a week like this and see if you don't start talking to one another differently.


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