# got the bad news today



## stuffhappens (Jun 26, 2012)

As the Topic title suggests, I just found out today. Google led me to these forums as I was looking for advice and I've spent the past few hours reading through them before deciding to register/post here.

First some background.
I've been married to my wife for 3 years and we've known each other for about 8. She cheated on me once before (says it was just a date/kiss, I believe her on this point) while we were dating and called me the next morning to talk and we decided to break up at this point. 

Fast forward ~2 years and we've been talking again and decide to give this relationship another try. Its about 2 weeks in when she tells me that she just 'hooked up' with her ex. She's very apologetic and says it won't ever happen again. I basically stormed out on her, the fact that she came running out in public in her pajamas crying and begging as I was pulling out of the parking lot (college dorm at this point) caused me to let her in the car and we drove around talking for a while. This lead to me agreeing that we could keep trying a little bit but that it wouldn't happen again. I didn't think of demanding a NC exactly but I did get her promise that she wouldn't spend time with him. (from what I've read that was mistake on my part, too bad we don't know these things ahead of time eh?) 

I proposed about 18 months later and we were married another 6 months after that with no further fidelity issues. We're now coming up on our 3 year anniversary.

Last week she tells me that her friend (the OM from before) is moving across the country and that she wants to meet him for dinner as a goodbye. She says that she won't do it if it makes me uncomfortable.

Now they've been in contact this entire time (no NC remember?) but not on a very regular basis and they haven't met in person. There's maybe a short text conversation or facebook message 1/2 times per month if that. She goes to her dinner and comes home at an appropriate time as we agreed, I have no reason to suspect anything happened during this time as the food bill and timing match up.

This morning she's crying and I ask her what's the matter. After some pushing she tells me that she cheated on me with him while we were engaged and that seeing him again made her regret come back and she couldn't keep it to herself anymore.

Now comes the kicker, she says that there's a guy at her work that she 'likes' and asks me if something's wrong with her (technically she asked if something will always be wrong with her, she is diagnosed with a couple of mild mental disorders). 

When I get angry I go into some kind of extreme calm state (at least on the outside), so I did this and told her that I expect two things from her when I get home from work this afternoon. 
1. That if she has any plans with this guy that she likes from work, that they be cancelled and that she doesn't make any more.
(as a note, she hasn't had any outside of work contact with this guy yet)
2. That she contacts her therapist about doing some kind of emergency session.

I know the actual cheating happened a while in the past and that its natural to be attracted to others throughout your life, as long as you don't act on it. However it still feels almost as if the betrayal just happened and as if the second thing is another betrayal in and of itself.

I apologize for the likely rambling post and I'm hoping some of you remember what its like to try and type something out on or just after Dday. 

What I'm looking for I suppose is advice on what questions I need to bring up at home tonight (or do i stay away for the night to try and calm down a bit?) and what kind of things I need to be doing/looking for now. 

Thanks for reading and putting up with me.


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## Beelzebub (Jun 26, 2012)

you dont need an advice, she cheated one, twice and and .. what is going to stop her from cheating in future, your words and dignity didnt mean anything to her, she didnt learn from hurting you over and over. pull out before having kids.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Sorry your wife is so abusive. With her history, i really think you should see a lawyer and start the process of extricating yourself from this abusive relationship.
Sorry you are being put through this,again.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Sounds like you have no kids. You need to leave this woman - let her go. She has cheated really, three times, and told you she likes a 4th person. Is this someone you would be proud to call your wife? My God.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Honestly as long as you keep a close eye on her and you keep up the NMMNG then you are doing the right things. NC needs to happen with any OM she has had before you. 
You need to go into stealth mode and go through email, fb, phone, and whatever else you need to feel comfortable with staying with her. I would also like to point out that you need to get a post nuptial agreement in place spelling out what happens if she cheats. you keep the kids, no child support, and no alimony tell her if she wants this to continue that this is what has to happen.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Sounds like you have no kids. You need to leave this woman - let her go. She has cheated really, three times, and told you she likes a 4th person. Is this someone you would be proud to call your wife? My God.


Tip of the iceberg, IMO. Most cheating goes undiscovered. He knows of three for sure. Do the math, there is more.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

BigLiam said:


> Tip of the iceberg, IMO. Most cheating goes undiscovered. He knows of three for sure. Do the math, there is more.


Very possible. This is a new marriage - she's pretty much been cheating on him their entire relationship. It's a joke.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Welcome to TAM.

Something tells me you only know the tip of the iceberg and she hid a plenty more affairs from you. Either way good luck whichever path you choose.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Very possible. This is a new marriage - she's pretty much been cheating on him their entire relationship. It's a joke.


Tru-dat.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Your wife is a serial cheater. She did it once and she'll do it again. Why? Because there are no consquences to her actions. She cheats, she apologizes; cries and you take her back. Then, back to the status quo.

I mean, cheats on you WHILE engaged to you and was able to stand at the alter and pledge herself to you and you alone. That takes some massive balls and a total disreguard to you. 

Rule number one- If a cheaters lips are moving then they are lying. I speculate that something happened at this dinner she went to. It may or may not have been full blown sex. But, SOMETHING happen in order for her to feel guilty enough for her to confess to you the next morning. 

I'd start there.


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## stuffhappens (Jun 26, 2012)

Thanks for some of the fast responses. A few things I would like to point out. When I say she likes a 4th guy, its nothing in specific, and an issue we've discussed with her therapist before (who specializes in marriage and sex therapy). I included that in my original post more because I was frustrated (that it stacked with the revelation of her cheating) than it being a real issue and I apologize for that.

Leaving is an option and I will not turn it down lightly but R is the goal if its possible. I firmly believe that she's full disclosure with me, I've always had access to her phone/emails/facebook and when she's away from the house for various reason I always know. She's genuinely remorseful and didn't argue at all when I told her this morning to cut off contact. She did it while I was there and agreed it was necessary to remove any temptation.

Guess I'm saying that I'm confident there hasn't been any infidelity since our marriage, I'm just not sure how to respond to something happening during the engagement 3 years ago. 

Of course I will be paying closer attention to her activities for a while after learning this but who wouldn't?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Thread title should be changed to "Got the bad news today, and a few years ago, and a few years before that".

BTW, I'm not here to bash you, I am very sorry for your situation. Please understand what this is, and who you've married, and then move on with your life - you have so much time to enjoy a woman who will be faithful to you.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

First, get tested for STDs. Don't pay any attention "it was just kissing" or "we used condoms" because affair sex is nearly always unprotected (if you planned ahead, that would mean it was premeditated--and affair sex "just happens," right??).

I'm afraid she is more than a serial cheater--she is a habitual cheater. I don't see how it's possible that she's told you everything.

I suspect she's always dangling a guy or two on the side. That isn't to say that she is sleeping with them per se, but she gets affirmation and validation from multiple men being sexually attracted to her. Maybe she strings them along and eventually oops! something happens, because these men aren't doing this for fun and games.

This is pure armchair psychology, but I suspect that deep down, she doesn't believe that she is loveable. She keeps entering these relationships because of a yawning hole inside. If that's true, this is something you cannot fix. Only a trained professional can begin to sort her out.

It is noble of you to stand by her, but what does this say about who you are? Co-dependent people sometimes fall in with broken people because they think they do have the power to fix them. If that were true, she would have stopped her cheating ways by now. There is no evidence that this has remotely begun to happen and I wouldn't hold my breath. From where we sit, cheating is an escapist, compulsive thing she does to get her through the ups and downs of life. I would get off that merry-go-round while I still had some of my own life left.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

stuffhappens said:


> I firmly believe that she's full disclosure with me, I've always had access to her phone/emails/facebook and when she's away from the house for various reason I always know.


Rule number two- Without concrete evidence from you. A cheater will only tell you the bare minimum to make it seem not as bad as what it really is.

And no, you do not have full disclosure. She was able to conduct three affairs so far in your relationship without your knowledge.

Serial Cheaters are damn near professional cheaters. Then know how to hide their tracks extremely well.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

stuffhappens said:


> Thanks for some of the fast responses. A few things I would like to point out. When I say she likes a 4th guy, its nothing in specific, and an issue we've discussed with her therapist before (who specializes in marriage and sex therapy). I included that in my original post more because I was frustrated (that it stacked with the revelation of her cheating) than it being a real issue and I apologize for that.
> 
> Leaving is an option and I will not turn it down lightly but R is the goal if its possible. I firmly believe that she's full disclosure with me, I've always had access to her phone/emails/facebook and when she's away from the house for various reason I always know. She's genuinely remorseful and didn't argue at all when I told her this morning to cut off contact. She did it while I was there and agreed it was necessary to remove any temptation.
> 
> ...


You are starting to justify and soften what is happening. 

1) she has cheated on you - maybe you only know about what happened before you got married, but even if that was it, it's cheating

2) she flat out said she isn't sure she made the right choice in leaving her ex and choosing you

3) admitting she likes "some guy" is a VERY BIG DEAL - it's a systemic problem within her. How is this not specific? Just because you don't know who the guy is doesn't mean it's not an exact human being she knows. If you turn a blind eye to this and let it go, you are making a big mistake.

4) some people here are saying this is just the tip of the iceberg. don't dismiss these claims. Most cheaters (and make no mistake, your W is a cheater) only tell you what you think you can handle - this helps clear their conscience a bit, while not giving away the smoking gun. Not saying for sure there is more to the story, but it's VERY possible.

Good luck. Be vigilant.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Oh. Well if it has only been three instances of cheating, then that is a whole different story.
That 4th guy being just a crush makes all the difference. i 'd trust her implicitly


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

stuffhappens said:


> Thanks for some of the fast responses. A few things I would like to point out. When I say she likes a 4th guy, its nothing in specific, and an issue we've discussed with her therapist before (who specializes in marriage and sex therapy). I included that in my original post more because I was frustrated (that it stacked with the revelation of her cheating) than it being a real issue and I apologize for that.
> 
> Leaving is an option and I will not turn it down lightly but R is the goal if its possible. I firmly believe that she's full disclosure with me, I've always had access to her phone/emails/facebook and when she's away from the house for various reason I always know. She's genuinely remorseful and didn't argue at all when I told her this morning to cut off contact. She did it while I was there and agreed it was necessary to remove any temptation.
> 
> ...


You are young; you have a long life ahead. It will be spent looking over your shoulder.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

i can't understand this- why would you want to marry someone you've broken up with once? as BigLiam said tip of the iceberg, expect afew more shocks if you're in the mood for some heavy probing


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

It's obvious she doesn't give a sh*t about you.Life is too short to waste time with people like that. 

You'll always wonder about her and her activities when you're not around.do you really want to spend your life with this?
I totally get the importance of preserving marriage and working through problems but there comes a point when you have to move on.from what i see, you should have hit that point already. tip of the iceberg doesn't even begin to cover it. you're titanic at this point...stick with her and prepare to go under. abandon ship and save yourself.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

stuffhappens, you need to dump this woman and let her find somebody more deserving. She clearly has no respect for you and should you stay with her, you will be hearing of her indiscretions until you drop dead.
Life's too short for anybody to live it merely to provide financial or household tasks for another person with only half hearted reciprocation.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Stuff, your wife obviously has poor boundaries control. After the betrayal with the ex, you should have made it very clear to her back then that NC (no contact) with ANY ex was, and should be, non-negotiable condition for you in order to continue with the relationship. Instead you allowed her emotional blackmail (crying and begging) to turn you into a doormat. 

If you continue to allow her to get her way, sooner or later she won't fear you leaving her anymore and will become bold, brazen and sadistic to rub her cheating in your face. Women lose their sexual attraction to a man who allows them to walk all over him.

I understand your desire for reconciliation but *you need to adopt non-negotiable conditions (boundaries)* that will protect your dignity and self-respect as well as tell you whether or not reconciliation is a realistic possibility in your situation. Here they are for you to print and hand over to your wife as your non-negotiable conditions to continue being married to her.



> *"How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Affair"*
> 
> *#1 Stop lying or making excuses for your actions.* If the victim spouse presents evidence of the affair, own up to it. You need to understand that the worst thing that could happen has already occurred. You were dishonest and unfaithful. Therefore, continuing to lie, twist, or deny is simply adding insult to injury. If you are looking your spouse in the eye and claiming to want the marriage to work then you cannot continue to lie about various odds and ends. You have been lying to your spouse for the entire duration of the affair; therefore, if you continue to lie now, it sets the reconciliation process way back. ''The victim spouse likely knows the answers to the questions they are asking, or can usually find out, so if you are interested in rebuilding trust in the relationship, '''STOP LYING'''.'' If your spouse discovers later - either on purpose or by accident - that you have lied about or left out salient details, they will likely never trust you again. Your only hope of regaining their trust is to give them the truth wholesale, and thus demonstrate your commitment to being honest with them, even about things that might hurt them. You are kidding yourself if you think you are protecting your spouse by "omitting" certain truths. If you had wanted to protect your spouse, you never would have allowed them to get hurt in the first place.
> 
> ...


If your wife is unwilling and/or incapable of following them religiously, then you would be wise to move on and file for divorce.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

MOVE ON<MOVE ON<MOVE ON<MOVE<ON


you might want to kick the others guys ass then MOVE ON


or stay for a misserable marriage the choice is yours.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

All the people telling you to GTFO of your marriage are correct. How many chances does she get? 3, 4, 50???? If you choose to waste your youth on this woman, you will look back and wish you had listened today. Good luck.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

No kids? Move on before she gets pregnant and you start wondering if you're the father.

And I dont understand why you would stay with someone who will eventually give you the gift of something permanent from one of her lovers.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> First, get tested for STDs. Don't pay any attention "it was just kissing" or "we used condoms" because affair sex is nearly always unprotected (if you planned ahead, that would mean it was premeditated--and affair sex "just happens," right??).
> 
> I'm afraid she is more than a serial cheater--she is a habitual cheater. I don't see how it's possible that she's told you everything.
> 
> ...


And condoms do NOT provide 100percent protection from STDs.

Please get tested, OK?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

OP: Exit soonest. Sorry. I wish I had something better to say.

Take care.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

stuffhappens said:


> Thanks for some of the fast responses. A few things I would like to point out. When I say she likes a 4th guy, its nothing in specific, and an issue we've discussed with her therapist before (who specializes in marriage and sex therapy). I included that in my original post more because I was frustrated (that it stacked with the revelation of her cheating) than it being a real issue and I apologize for that.
> 
> Leaving is an option and I will not turn it down lightly but R is the goal if its possible. I firmly believe that she's full disclosure with me, I've always had access to her phone/emails/facebook and when she's away from the house for various reason I always know. She's genuinely remorseful and didn't argue at all when I told her this morning to cut off contact. She did it while I was there and agreed it was necessary to remove any temptation.
> 
> ...



I think your wife has problems that you might not be able to fix. She is too fickle and weak if not lying and manipulative. Imagine her doing something like this 15 years into the marriage , house under mortgage and kids. Again, she might be genuinely remorseful too. But the signs look very bad. I'm also guessing that cheated on you multiple time before the marriage. You were a rebound that she married


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

As one of my friends used to say about my Xw: "She's been drilled pretty deep".


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Stuff-----How many times, are you gonna be on the recieving end of her cheating and do nothing

You may think you are doing something---but obviously she knows you will take her back, so she cheats anyway---and you do nothing

You are not condoning it--but you are doing nothing about it

Why did you allow her to go to dinner with her X-lover, you knew, you had to know, it was gonna get her juices flowing

She is in her own mind already emotionally into some guy at work---and you tell her NC---and of course she like each and every other time does what you ask, to pacify you----you know da*n well---she needs to leave that job---she is not NC---she will see him every F'ing day, and he will simply burn deeper into her mind, a mind that already wants him----and you do nothing

Look---you basically got a couple of weapons, and a couple of weapons ONLY to fight with in dealing with a cheater, if you wanna stay---you got D/threat of D---you got informing the lover's spouse--- you hopefully have transparency, and no more contact---that's it, 

But in fighting the A, you yourself, have to do certain things----You can't handle this lightly, she must know accountability, she can't just continue on, as if she had never done anything wrong, so you can't just let her move back into her comfortable life, as if nothing happened

She admits to cheating on you three times, and now has the hots for another----you can't just do NOTHING

If you really wanna stay with this woman, then she must be put in fear of losing her comfortable life, as she now has, if she even looks cross-eyed at another man-----how you do that is up to you but it must be done---also for the present---do not become lovey--dovey, and mr nice guy---she has to do some penance---if she doesn't like it too bad---she doesn't get a say in the matter, or she can get a D. herself------but no matter what get her out of her job, if you intend to R.


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

You are a very trusting person. She is manipulating you. She wants the best of both worlds. Stable home life and to cat around when she wants. Gross. Get gone. I cant believe how she cries to you about her indiscretion and expects you to feel sympathy for her? LADIES! its not tough to keep your legs closed!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

If you were not a normal human being you would have dropped her and kept going. The fact that you are a decent person with compassion and willing to forgive and love is being used against you. You are stuck because her pathology makes it easy for her to engage in a heartless manipulation. You are addicted to the drama not in love. 

If you get out, you will need IC to break the spell. It is worth the temporary discomfort o fwithdrawal . When you come out of it, you will be happy. You will have learned a valuable lesson, to recognize and avoid crazy women. 

You'll meet a women who is worthy of you. Just don't fall for the first woman you meet. You will do fine. But please get out of this get support to do so. .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

stuffhappens said:


> As the Topic title suggests, I just found out today. Google led me to these forums as I was looking for advice and I've spent the past few hours reading through them before deciding to register/post here.
> 
> First some background.
> I've been married to my wife for 3 years and we've known each other for about 8. She cheated on me once before (says it was just a date/kiss, I believe her on this point) while we were dating and called me the next morning to talk and we decided to break up at this point.
> ...


Hooooly crap... Dude, if you were my personal friend i would slap you in the face... Really, I would physically slap you in the face. Because you need a wake up moment. 

This woman has you so wrapped up around her finger that she is comfortable disclosing cheating after cheating. She knows you better than you know yourself. She knows she can treat you like a puppy. She will kick you and you'll be back for another. 

You know the pain you're feeling? How many times do you want to go through that?


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