# Do you regret cheating on your spouse for any reason?



## peace

Why do you regret it, what makes one have an affair to begin with. Is it the satisfaction of knowing you can get away with it. But then their is regret, why after the affair. How come people regret an affair after the fact, is it because the fun is over and reality hits you or is it because you want to get back at your spouse. If you regret it then learn how to live with the fact that you will be accountable for your actions.


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## magnoliagal

Don't know I'm not nor I will ever be a cheater. I know several people that have cheated and the only regret they had was that they got caught.


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## sisters359

Some people cheat because they are so miserable in their marriage but they don't have the courage to get out. I suspect that in these cases, people don't regret cheating unless they get caught. If the cheating helps them find the courage to get out of the marriage w/o getting caught, they are probably glad--until they discover they are miserable in their next relationship b/c cheating means they have never found the courage to deal with the problems in their relationships in the first place. Don't really know 'cause I haven't lived it.


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## PBear

Sisters, you pretty much nailed my situation and poor decision process. I didn't get caught, and in the end made the decision to get out of my marriage. The cheating was not what made me leave my marriage; I wasn't in an extra-marital affair when I moved out.

However, I'm working on dealing with the issues that caused me to make that decision, and I don't plan on cheating again. I know that it was a lot of communication issues that caused a lot of our grief and resentments. If nothing else, effective communication would have prevented a lot of the hard feelings that we ended up with, I think.

To anyone who thinks it would never happen to them, that's what I always figured as well. I came from a whole family, with no history of divorce or adultery. But until you're pushed to that point, it's hard to know what decision you'd make. Just like many people claim that if their spouse cheated on them, the marriage would be over the next day. But when it happens to them, reality is different when it's in your face. I'm not justifying my decision in any way... It was a selfish and really poor decision, and I take full blame for it.

C


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## peace

PBear said:


> Sisters, you pretty much nailed my situation and poor decision process. I didn't get caught, and in the end made the decision to get out of my marriage. The cheating was not what made me leave my marriage; I wasn't in an extra-marital affair when I moved out.
> 
> However, I'm working on dealing with the issues that caused me to make that decision, and I don't plan on cheating again. I know that it was a lot of communication issues that caused a lot of our grief and resentments. If nothing else, effective communication would have prevented a lot of the hard feelings that we ended up with, I think.
> 
> To anyone who thinks it would never happen to them, that's what I always figured as well. I came from a whole family, with no history of divorce or adultery. But until you're pushed to that point, it's hard to know what decision you'd make. Just like many people claim that if their spouse cheated on them, the marriage would be over the next day. But when it happens to them, reality is different when it's in your face. I'm not justifying my decision in any way... It was a selfish and really poor decision, and I take full blame for it.
> 
> C


Wow! Its situations like yours that really hit home. I'm glad I heard your story, because it shows that you have be under your own skin to realize how to cope with your decisions. I started this thread not because I cheated on my wife. I suspect she is/has because I caught her on the phone by surprise and she denied it. It has been difficult to live under the same roof with someone you thought was your best friend. I have accepted that she for some reason has chosen that path when she knows that I am not one to be in a open marriage. Our marriage is so far gone that it would take a miracle for me to reconcile. My eight year old daughter is the only thing that has kept me from filing a motion to kick ker aasss out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanF

I regret it and always will for a few reasons.
I am basically and honest person and the guilt and lies were tearing me up inside. That's why I confessed.
I saw the pain that it created on my wife's face. I swear I could see her heart breaking.
I knew that I loved my wife, but felt terrible because instead of addressing the problems in our marriage, I sought comfort elsewhere.
When she told me about her affair from a few years past, I was crushed. She did it for the same reasons that I did. I knew then just how much pain I caused her, because at that point I felt it.

So having been on both sides of an EA/PA, I know how much it hurts and how hard it is.
I know that it will never, ever happen again from my side and can only hope that I will never be on the receiving end of such devastating news again.


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## PBear

peace said:


> Wow! Its situations like yours that really hit home. I'm glad I heard your story, because it shows that you have be under your own skin to realize how to cope with your decisions. I started this thread not because I cheated on my wife. I suspect she is/has because I caught her on the phone by surprise and she denied it. It has been difficult to live under the same roof with someone you thought was your best friend. I have accepted that she for some reason has chosen that path when she knows that I am not one to be in a open marriage. Our marriage is so far gone that it would take a miracle for me to reconcile. My eight year old daughter is the only thing that has kept me from filing a motion to kick ker aasss out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If it helped at all, I'm glad. And I didn't post to justify my or anyone else's actions... The cheating spouse is the one that makes that decision to actually cheat, regardless of what shape the relationship is in or how it got there. 

I think some people in the "Coping with Infidelity" forum have said that after an affair, their marriages have been stronger than before, and I can believe that. In a lot of cases, there can be long term issues in the marriage that lead up to a spouse being open to looking outside the marriage. Emotional neglect, intimacy/sexual issues, resentment for things that have happened... And for whatever reason, these things don't get resolved until something like an affair blows up, and the couple gets honest and serious about resolving them. After all, at some point, you've got nothing to lose by dragging all the muck into the light... Once it's out, you can at least attempt to start dealing with it. When it's still hidden, it's not getting dealt with.

Many couples reach that point when one spouse does the right thing, and just says they want to end the relationship... But in some cases, people make very bad decisions, and the affair happens instead. Then it can be up to the loyal spouse to decide if they can forgive the disloyal one and make the effort to work on fixing things, rather than leaving. It takes a very big person to move past that betrayal, I'm sure, and I sure wouldn't blame anyone for deciding they couldn't do that.

There must be other issues in your marriage other than catching her once on the phone that she couldn't explain... Good luck in whatever you decide!

C


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## magnoliagal

PBear said:


> To anyone who thinks it would never happen to them, that's what I always figured as well. I came from a whole family, with no history of divorce or adultery. But until you're pushed to that point, it's hard to know what decision you'd make.
> 
> C


I think this is a good point. When my husband and I were having problems I was traveling a lot with attractive men (plenty of opportunities for an affair). The thought did cross my mind but being female I didn't act on them. I'm not one to hit on a guy. They flirted with me but didn't cross that line because they knew I was married. But it could have just has easily gone the other way. So good post and very true.


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## F-102

Peace, I have a very similar thread in the Coping With Infidelity section, and a similar one in the Life After Divorce section, where I ask if anyone regrets their divorce.
None too surprisingly, almost all of the respondents regret their affairs in the CWI thread, but there are no regrets in the LAD section.
But I have to stop and think: these are the people who either were caught having affairs or had a change of heart and confessed. These are the people who ADMIT their culpability. I'm sure there are many who are not remorseful, perhaps even a little proud of their infidelity, who simply will not answer, until someone else has the courage to do so.
Likewise, in the LAD section, these are respondents who either left abusive marriages or they simply grew apart-or, perhaps, they still harbor resentments toward the ex. Again, people who ADMIT their feelings. Of course, I geared the questions toward the ones who initiated the divorce, and I strongly suspect that there are quite a few who do indeed regret not giving the M another try, but it's too late, and some of them were probably warned against it by family and friends, perhaps even posters here, but they feel that they must prove to everyone that they made the "right" decision, which, incidentally, is why I think many people in abusive relationships/marriages refuse to leave the toxic situation.


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## peace

Thanks for sharing F102 I will look them up tomorrow and read the threads. I thank you for putting those comments they are all helpful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

I regret my affair deeply. I don't blame my husband for it. It was a choice I made.

My situation is unique in the fact taht I am both a DS and a BS. He cheated too.

We confessed to eachother. I still wanted to work on the marriage, he wanted a divorce but wanted us to be together, just not married.

He was emotionally abusive, that's why I left. Sometimes I felt like a ghost in my own house. He could walk right past me and pretend I wasn't there. The worst though, was his silence. Sometimes he wouldn't talk to me for days and the last time, he stonewalled me for almost 1 1/2 month before I waited til he went to work and moved all my stuff out. 

The affair is not why I left, in fact I barely had any contact w/ the OM after I moved out of my home. I still feel a lot of shame and guilt to this very day for what I did. Why? Because no matter how sh-tty things were with my H: I betrayed him, the marriage, and myself. When you cheat, you lose your integrity.

I own what I did 100%. I am glad he told me what he did also. I suspect he is still involved with her too. I broke off all contact with OM and found out an entire year later that he was still in contact with her after the supposed "ONS." He still denies it to this day. He also never apologized to me though he did elude to "having messed things up." Also, not even a yr into our marriage, he was online posting ads on dating sites looking for sex with women. I confronted him and he deleted it, brushed it off as a "joke." I should have left then because a hurricane was brewing at that time...things to come. Then neither of us would have cheated, a lot of things wouldn't have happened. Still, I thought we could have worked it out. But he was adamant about the divorce and looking back, I'm not sure anything would have changed. Who knows though. 

We divorced a month ago. I still am wrestling with a lot of confliting feelings over my divorce, the affair, my marriage. I know I will never cheat again. It was not worth it and a very stupid decision. That happened two yrs ago almost and I still regret it with every fiber of my being to this day. 

I hope he feels the same even if he never admits it to me.


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## TemperToo

I did (kinda, no intercourse was actually involved, but it was still cheating in my husband's eyes.)

I definitely regret it. And I didn't get caught either, I admitted it several months after the fact. 

He has neglected and abused my emotions for pretty much our entire 12 year marriage. (And the kids have suffered too, which hurts me on a whole other level.) 

I didn't plan on cheating, it just happened one night when I was drunk and put myself into the situation that made it happen. I knew I wasn't being smart, but I didn't care at the time. I did decide I cared before intercourse happened, but it was on it's way there.....

I regret it mainly because I compromised my values. My husband hurt me so much over the years that I suppose in my drunk mind I was hurting him back. As bad as it sounds, I don't regret hurting him over the whole thing. He's got such double standards.....it's ok for him to hurt me badly for 12 years, but 15 minutes of me hurting him means the end of the world.

Surprisingly, he forgave me after about a week of my revelation and our relationship was stronger than it had been for years right after that. He admitted to hurting me for so long, and admitted that he drove me to it. (Although I DO accept MY responsibility in making the wrong decisions that lead up to that incident.)

Sadly, he still resents me for it and throws it up in my face, nearly 3 years later. The "great relationship" only lasted about 6 months. And now the outbursts and rages are coming more and more frequently. I honestly think he might be bi-polar. Either that or he's just a first class jerk. He fully admits to being mean, rotten, and nasty.....but it's like he can't help himself. 

BUT if I could go back, I would not have cheated. I definitely regret it, but only for myself.


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## michzz

I don't think a lot of cheaters realize how deeply they harm their spouse. The selfishness of their behavior doesn't allow for it.

The resultant post traumatic lashing out by their spouse is seen as abusive behavior that kind of justifies the affair because if their spouse is being "a jerk" in response they must have done something to deserve the hell they're experiencing.

A cheating spouse typically doesn't want to own inflicting that level of harm on the one they said they love so the mindset is to shift it to the BS's problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TemperToo

michzz said:


> I don't think a lot of cheaters realize how deeply they harm their spouse. The selfishness of their behavior doesn't allow for it.
> 
> The resultant post traumatic lashing out by their spouse is seen as abusive behavior that kind of justifies the affair because if their spouse is being "a jerk" in response they must have done something to deserve the hell they're experiencing.
> 
> A cheating spouse typically doesn't want to own inflicting that level of harm on the one they said they love so the mindset is to shift it to the BS's problem.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I see your point here, but I sure hope this wasn't directed at my post. Because this wasn't what happened in my situation at all. I deserved the backlash from my actions 110%. Surprisingly, he didn't react near as bad as I even anticipated him to. However, once someone says they forgive you, it should be FORGIVEN. Not forgotten. But not thrown back up in someones face for years. I do not throw the pain he has caused me in his face. I'm not saying that the pain caused from cheating isn't that bad. But other pain caused by abuse can be JUST as bad or worse, IMO.


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## dadzanaiG

I for one do not regret cheating,she for one had a lot of trust issues and insecurities which pushed me to have a EA When I opened up to her she used all the info to her advantage and went on a smear-campaign trying to defame me. Met someone who took the the time to listen and understand me and who kept the secrets of my heart safe...broke it off before my wife could find out but fell so hard for the other woman that I literally haad to write down everything I felt for the OW to get some sort of closure...Wife found the notebook I wrote my feelings in.Haven't spoken to the OW in 9 months...glad I cheated because it made realise I deserved better than what I was getting...even when she brings up the OW I can see she realises that she has to do better
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NatashaYurino

DanF said:


> I regret it and always will for a few reasons.
> I am basically and honest person and the guilt and lies were tearing me up inside. That's why I confessed.
> I saw the pain that it created on my wife's face. I swear I could see her heart breaking.
> I knew that I loved my wife, but felt terrible because instead of addressing the problems in our marriage, I sought comfort elsewhere.
> When she told me about her affair from a few years past, I was crushed. She did it for the same reasons that I did. I knew then just how much pain I caused her, because at that point I felt it.
> 
> So having been on both sides of an EA/PA, I know how much it hurts and how hard it is.
> I know that it will never, ever happen again from my side and can only hope that I will never be on the receiving end of such devastating news again.


Reading this today made me feel better. Thanks!!!


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## OhGeesh

peace said:


> Why do you regret it, what makes one have an affair to begin with. Is it the satisfaction of knowing you can get away with it. But then their is regret, why after the affair. How come people regret an affair after the fact, is it because the fun is over and reality hits you or is it because you want to get back at your spouse. If you regret it then learn how to live with the fact that you will be accountable for your actions.


Going back a long time!! It was for no other reason than it was "something different" there were minimal emotions, mniimal time investment, but still some of both and it was just experiencing a new woman in that way. Never anything serious!! Like trying a new Spinach, artichoke, feta pizza versus a meat lovers as horrid as that sounds.

There was always guilt, regret, dang I need to stop this, but after a few months there would be another. Finally after getting caught too many times we decided to give it one more shot. We were faithful for 1 year and have been married for 15 years since... 

After you have sex with ALOT of people you learn it's all pretty much the same it's the emotional connection that changes, the communication that makes it better, and the trust and openess that really sets it off.


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## OhGeesh

TemperToo said:


> I did (kinda, no intercourse was actually involved, but it was still cheating in my husband's eyes.)
> 
> I definitely regret it. And I didn't get caught either, I admitted it several months after the fact.
> 
> He has neglected and abused my emotions for pretty much our entire 12 year marriage. (And the kids have suffered too, which hurts me on a whole other level.)
> 
> I didn't plan on cheating, it just happened one night when I was drunk and put myself into the situation that made it happen. I knew I wasn't being smart, but I didn't care at the time. I did decide I cared before intercourse happened, but it was on it's way there.....
> 
> I regret it mainly because I compromised my values. My husband hurt me so much over the years that I suppose in my drunk mind I was hurting him back. As bad as it sounds, I don't regret hurting him over the whole thing. He's got such double standards.....it's ok for him to hurt me badly for 12 years, but 15 minutes of me hurting him means the end of the world.
> 
> Surprisingly, he forgave me after about a week of my revelation and our relationship was stronger than it had been for years right after that. He admitted to hurting me for so long, and admitted that he drove me to it. (Although I DO accept MY responsibility in making the wrong decisions that lead up to that incident.)
> 
> Sadly, he still resents me for it and throws it up in my face, nearly 3 years later. The "great relationship" only lasted about 6 months. And now the outbursts and rages are coming more and more frequently. I honestly think he might be bi-polar. Either that or he's just a first class jerk. He fully admits to being mean, rotten, and nasty.....but it's like he can't help himself.
> 
> BUT if I could go back, I would not have cheated. I definitely regret it, but only for myself.


That is a very good post and paints a very clear picture of many of the realities people find themselves in! Glad you guys are doing better


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## Chris Taylor

I regret it.

As others said, I was basically an honest person up to that point but my marriage had fallen apart. This was mostly my fault because I couldn't communicate my dissatisfaction in the marriage to my wife.

I regretted it all during the affair. I knew I was wrong but didn't have the courage to just call it quits on the marriage... kids, finances, reputation (oddly enough I have two siblings who divorced so why was I worried about reputation?).

Getting caught was the best thing that happened. It forced me to confront the problems in my marriage, learn how to communicate and, as strange as it may sound, understand that divorce IS an option and not to be afraid of it.

It's taken two marriage counselors and two therapists but my marriage right now is better than is has been in 20 years, not that I'm advocating cheating as a way to fix a marriage


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## John2012

bumping up an old thread.


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## johnvk72

I regret it100%
For a few reasons,
The trust I breached,
THe complete lack of respect I showed to her, the relationship, and our children,
I regret all the lying that i did.
I regret most how much it has hurt her, she is suffering, i can see it, and I caused it. 
I know I've been given the biggest wake up call of my life, I really need to sort myself out, i know that now.
What other people have said about it bringing the problems underlying in a relationship into the light once it is confessed or found out(which is what happened in my case), is definitely true too.
So there is work to do on both sides.
I really want to reconcile, so I've been going to counselling and I'm doing my best to make myself a better person, because the person who did that is not the sort of person I want to be.
I hope that one day she will forgive me enough to work together with me on our relationship, if not I know I've learned from the hurt I've caused.
I cant believe there is anyone who wouldn't feel some sort of regret.
regardless of the circumstances.


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## NatashaYurino

Only bumping up an old thread.


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## VirgenTecate

johnvk's post is one of the most beautiful I have read.


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