# Remorse?



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I would like to hear what others think a remorseful WS should be saying or doing because im a bit unsure!

My husband and i are recovering from his AE which took place 6 months ago (Dday May 16th 2011). We are working at it and things are going well, but i sometimes think he has not been as remorseful as he should have been. The first couple of weeks after dday are a bit of a blur to be honest but he did say he was sorry for what had happened and he has said it once or twice since, but he wont talk about the A and NEVER brings it up. Is this because he just wants to move on and forget about it or what? I dont know. 

Is remorse shown more in actions or words? He comforts me when i need it, he holds me when i cry, he'll answer my questions when i have them, but i just want him to put his arms around me and just say "im sorry". 

Do i just need to move on now and focus on the things he IS saying, and not the things he isnt?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Lord Mayhem has a nice chart showing the differences of guilt and remorse


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I wrote this and posted it in a thread months ago... 

OK, list of things a remorseful person does, or is not reluctant to do...

1. A remorseful spouse is willing if not eager to confess everything about the behaviors and mistakes they made. They commonly show a genuine desire to "come clean". 

2. A remorseful spouse is openly accountable for their actions and seeks to identify and make changes to insure that this behavior does not reoccur. (They feel genuine pain, therefore they seek to prevent this pain from reoccuring. (normal human response to pain - AVOID IT) (No genuine pain = No reason to seek a solution to avoid repeating that pain).

3. A remorseful spouse will seek to "work", not only on themselves but on general life responsibilities. A remorseful spouse faces the responsibilities of thier day-to-day life and will often show increased motivation to meet those tasks. The work is often approached in a more "humble" way by the remorseful spouse. 

4. A remorseful spouse will not object to limitations (i.e. transperency) set by the faithful spouse as a result their actions and in an effort to promote the healing of the violated trust. 

5. A remorseful spouse faces the pain they have caused. A remorseful spouse will allow you to express the intesity of the feelings and hurt their actions have caused without justifying, minimizing or blame-shifting.

6. A remorseful spouse seeks forgiveness and respects the process of forgiveness often takes time. They will not be impatient or pressure the injured spouse to say "I forgive you" and will never exhibit a "get over it!" attitude.


These are obviously not hard cold "musts" for a spouse to qualify as genuinely remorseful... I reread it and sounds like the "6 commandments!" lol. I typed it all out myself using artocles and data I have absorbed from all over the place..., I hope this gives you a "roadmap" of some indicators though....


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

As a part of that thread I had also mentioned: 

There is no infallable way to know if what you are seeing is genuine remorse or not.

What I would start with would be your gut... that's where it all begins. No one knows your spouse quite the way that you do. Do you sense genuine remorse? 

As with all people that mislead, lie or decieve there are always subtle non-verbal cues (facial expressions) which can give you some indication whether the person is being genuine...

People who fake remorse tend to show a greater range of emotional expressions and swing from one emotion to another very quickly - if the base emotional responses are grouped into three categories; Good (happy) /Neutral (neutral, surprise). /Bad (sadness, fear, anger, contempt, disgust) a person intentionally decieving you will tend to swing from category to category very quickly. Particularly from good to bad or bad to good (skipping nuetral). The phenomenon is referred to as emotional turbulence - They will also speak with more hesitation.

Hope that helps a little...


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Sounds like your husband is acting similar to the way my W was. My wife never brought up the A and the only time she apologized was when I brought it up and was very emotional. Her explaination has been that she just wanted it all to go away. Also later on I found out it went underground so keep a look out for that.

Alot of us on here that have or are trying to R know the feeling, you want your spouse to just occasionally give you a huge hug then look you in the eyes and say how sorry they are without you having to bring it up.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I like the way Almostrecovered says it in his post...





Almostrecovered said:


> Epilogue-
> 
> 2 years ago today.....
> 
> ...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

courtesy of Lord Mayhem


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Thankyou all for your replies. I have sat down and re-read them all a couple of times.

Piy-of-my-stomach - yes i can see that i can identify some of the points you have made but not all, for instance i can definitely recognise points 2, 3,4,5 and 6 but not 1. I had to drag every word out of my WH regarding the EA and he still finds finds it extremely difficult to talk about. He NEVER brings it up. But as you say I know my husband. When i first founde out he couldnt look at me and literally walked with his head down for a month. Every time he looked at me i could se the pain and sorrow in his eyes. And this wasnt because he had been found out, he genuinly looked in pain, and cried like a baby. there were times when we were sat watching tv or eating lunch and the tears would stream down his face and his sorrow was real. Now his emotions are on an even keel. He is quieter, but then so am i. This has changed us both. But nothing is too much trouble for him. He makes tea, will do the ironing, run my bath and just holds me when im down or upset. he has reconected with the family again and is the pateint and loving man to our 3 children that he always used to be. When the EA was going on i noticed that he was disconected, everything was too much trouble, a burden, that has gone.

So i suppose he is showing his remorse through his actions rather than than words. And maybe hearing "Im sorry" isnt so important. I understand now that his actions and the way in which he is behaving is more important. But as "Forsaken" points out, it would be nice to just hear it now and again!

Thanks all x


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

It sounds like based on what you've said your husband is displaying genuine remorse. As I mentioned, your best starting point is your gut feeling, the behaviors I mentioned are best used as indicators to confirm, or refute what you believe to be true. 

Even in the best of times, with a deeply remorseful spouse these will be some of the most trying times of your life. The road is hard, the pain and emotional scarring run deep. As you pointed out, regardless of where this journey leads you and your husband, you are changed forever. Nothing will ever be the same, and you can never go back. One of the greatest costs of infidelity is the loss of your innocence. 

While it will never be the same, with enough patience, determination and love your relationship can emerge from this trial stronger and more fullfilling. It will be very hard, but can be worth it. Just remember, your both only human. People make mistakes, but if you love one another and work together, you can do this. Communicate.

Good luck. God Bless.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Well said Pit!

It seems like your husband is remorseful. If he's acting like it then he probably is. I was kind of under the impression that he was doing things similar to what my W was doing, like rug sweeping and pretending like it never happened up until I brought it up again. Actions speak louder than words, actions don't usually lie.

As I've stated before, the simplest explanation is most likely the correct one; If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like it duck, then it probably is a duck.


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