# Stop the presses - I just had sex with my husband!



## unloved (Feb 17, 2010)

This is the same husband who hasn't touched me once in SIX YEARS! The same husband who told me a couple months ago that he no longer loved me, that our marriage was "dead" and that he was only staying for our son. We've been talking and I think making headway into his reasons for resenting me so much over the years (I've learned a ton on how to communicate effectively with him from these forums) but nothing had changed intimacy-wise. We get along well as parents and roomates otherwise. I was nearing the end of my sexual rope and was seriously considering divorce or a discreet affair.

I initiated what happened today. I was SOOOO nervous because I have been shot down so many times. I had steeled myself for rejection yet again. This time he gave me the green light with his reaction to my advances. I couldn't believe it. Things progressed very quickly. Can't say it was the best sex i've ever had but it was pretty much what I expected for how long it's been.

I have no idea if this was real or just a pity ****. Or just throwing me a bone so I'll stop talking about it. He did say some nice things to me during and afterward.

What do I do now??? This is what I've wanted for so long but I have no idea what the next step is. Do I continue to initiate or wait for him to make the next move? Continue to talk about our "issues"? Help! I feel like this could be a turning point in our marriage and I don't want to screw anything up.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Keep enthusiastic and continue to be nice to him. Told ya, he seems to want sex. Just not with you because of resentment  (don't mean to offend with this, it's actually a good thing). So the more the walls of resentment go down the better it will be. I'd personally give him a bit of time then try to initiate again. For at least two three times...then wait for him to see if he starts something. 

Just don't be pushy and don't rush him. Best 'tactic' (lol...love wars) would be to mildly flirt, make yourself pretty, available and around. Give him time to initiate if he wants to. And if he doesn't ocassionally initiate yoursef. Make sure that ocassionally doesn't feel like too often for you or doesn't push him into anything. It's hard to screw up with behaving like this because you're nice, available, so he doesn't feel rejected, but aren't pushy so he has the right to say no if he doesn't feel like it .
As always, just my opinion. Feel free to do it if you think it's right for you since this is the most important thing ever(chosing what's right for u only).
I'm happy for you btw


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

Send an email and tell him how good it was for you. Tell him you cant stop thinking about how he felt and how he smelled. Tell him your dreaming about what next time might bring. Tell him how wet you get just day dreaming about what happened. Tell him the things you enjoyed the most. 

Everyone enjoys knowing they are being appreciated for their great love making. We all wanted to be though about during the day about the things we did the other day.

Love notes are a great thing.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

unloved said:


> What do I do now??? This is what I've wanted for so long but I have no idea what the next step is. Do I continue to initiate or wait for him to make the next move? Continue to talk about our "issues"? Help! I feel like this could be a turning point in our marriage and I don't want to screw anything up.


Reward him, so he has positive associations with this. Make his favorite dinner. Set the table really nice. Wear the dress he likes best on you. If there's anything that's bugged him you can take care of, fix it. When he gets home, smile at him and be happy to see him. Go over to him, and ask how everything went. If things have gone well for him, let him know you're happy with how it went. If things went badly, say "Well, at least you're home now and you can relax and forget about that for a while."

Don't bring up any negative issues unless they are emergencies, or things that absolutely _have_ to be fixed. For now, let sleeping dogs lie. When you do bring problems up in the future, do them one at a time, not all at once. All at once makes people feel overwhelmed. And describe them as "What do you think we should do about..." or "I've been thinking about ..., and I think we should." All problems are "we" problems: the two of you are a team, and the problems are all "out there" somewhere.

When people do what you want them to do, you should reward them for it. Yes, it's a little like training a dog and maybe that seems dehumanizing. But it's also just logical: if somebody does what you want, and they get a negative reaction or feel unappreciated, they're less likely to do it in the future.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Happyquest said:


> Send an email and tell him how good it was for you. Tell him you cant stop thinking about how he felt and how he smelled. Tell him your dreaming about what next time might bring. Tell him how wet you get just day dreaming about what happened. Tell him the things you enjoyed the most.
> 
> Everyone enjoys knowing they are being appreciated for their great love making. We all wanted to be though about during the day about the things we did the other day.
> 
> Love notes are a great thing.



Love this... very nice!!!

of course tell him face to face tooo....


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## Millania007 (Nov 16, 2009)

I am so happy for you unloved that is awesome news!! u go girl! I would definitley do the email thing (good idea Happyquest!)
why not initiate in a few days  I am sure he will be open to it! I really hope it gets better for you too, eventually the more comfortable you 2 get with each other again(sexually) the better the sex will get, keep us posted, this is great news


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## unloved (Feb 17, 2010)

First off I want to thank *Flanders* for not coming on my thread and suggesting I take my husband for an asian massage. 

*Everyone* - Thanks for all the support and great ideas. Tomorrow is his birthday and we both have to work, but I'm planning a special dinner, going to track down a certain wine he's been wanting to try and I plan on including a special letter in his card (which I might give to him in the morning so he has something to think about all day). 

Love the e-mail idea but that won't work too well in our case since he just uses our family account (as far as I know) for personal e-mails and my son has access to those. His business e-mail gets screened by his receptionist. He even gets his receptionist to answer his cell calls and texts while he's with patients.

I don't pretend that our problems are over but this is a great first step that I hope we can build upon. I'll keep you posted.

Oh, and keep the suggestions coming - obviously things are very tenuous here - I can use all the help I can get.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

If you cant email him then slip in a little note some place your sure he will find it and no one eles will. Even a whisper in his ear as he is kissing you good bye for work. A note in his shoe will work. Its so nice to get a little surprise at times. 

An excellent book to read about this issues is called the sex staved marriage. Amazon.com: The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide (9780743227339): Michele Weiner Davis: Books

Its about how to improve an unbalanced sex life where one has more desire than the other. My wife and I are reading it now and wow it is a great book.

Here is a little trick you might want to try for his Bday present. Assumeing he like BJs. ( what man does not?) Take some warm coffee or tea in your mouth before going down on him. Very warm but not hot. Its an incrdible feeling. The hottest mouth you ever felt. Its a great Birthday present or morning wake up call. A little something the wife did to me that rocked my world. 

Good luck to you and keep it going!


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Happyquest said:


> If you cant email him then slip in a little note some place your sure he will find it and no one eles will. Even a whisper in his ear as he is kissing you good bye for work. A note in his shoe will work. Its so nice to get a little surprise at times.
> 
> An excellent book to read about this issues is called the sex staved marriage. Amazon.com: The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide (9780743227339): Michele Weiner Davis: Books
> 
> ...


Ancora... Good stuff HQ...

But in flanders defense...ahh forget it...
Can't defend him!

Kidding flanders!!! We love you "LONG time" pal!


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unloved (Feb 17, 2010)

A little afternoon delight anyone! More sex with H. :smthumbup:

Thanks _sooooo_ much for the advice about writing a note. I slipped a birthday card in his laptop case this morning with a note about how much and what I liked the other night, how I was hoping it would happen again, and hinted at things I might like to try in the future. I also wrote that I wasn't pretending that our problems were over but that I hoped we could move forward in a new chapter of our lives. Got a text around 10 to meet him at home for lunch. 

I'm still not sure how often I should approach him for sex. I could go twice a day right now, but I don't want to scare him away. Do you think every other day is OK? or should I just let him dictate the frequency right now.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

I would say keep the train moving if you can. Keep telling him how much your enjoying it. If he is enjoying it too then great! Sex desire comes and goes you have to go with the flow. Ask him if he has desires or fantasys he would like to explore. Push his limits just a little and see what happens. Men love when the woman takes charge a bit. Make him into your sex slave and see if he enjoys it. :smthumbup:


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Happyquest said:


> I would say keep the train moving if you can. Keep telling him how much your enjoying it. If he is enjoying it too then great! Sex desire comes and goes you have to go with the flow. Ask him if he has desires or fantasys he would like to explore. Push his limits just a little and see what happens. Men love when the woman takes charge a bit. Make him into your sex slave and see if he enjoys it. :smthumbup:


It sounds an amazing turn-around, and I'm hoping it'll be ok to ask a question on the coat-tail of your story. I'm probably (well mostly, or I'm not sure any more..!) the one holding us back from getting back to regular sex - it's been months. As I've said on another thread, I find it impossible to put arguments/harsh words/resentments behind me & park them for the sake of love making. I just can't. my mum would say 'there's no such word' & psychologists would say 'do you want to be right or do you want to be happy' blah blah. But I really struggle with this. Was your relationship in those realms & if so how have you got past that? I realise you may have said all this before, but I'm a relative newcomer & any pointers would be gratefully received. 
Meanwhile, enjoy


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