# Is friendship possible?



## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

I think I know the majority answer but is it possible and is it healthy to have a friendship relationship after a very hurtful betrayal? Long story but the short version is 1st affair lasted 6 months with exH going back and forth 2 weeks at a time. He ended it and we worked hard on fixing the damage for about 2 years. Then again, a shocking discovery of a 2d affair. This time he moved out, gave up his business, & moved across the country with her. They've been together 2 years but he says does not want to marry her. I pushed for & got the divorce done 5 months ago. Since moving out, he has continued to say he made a mistake, misses us, & wants to come back & work hard to prove he is remorseful & can be trusted. He says he cannot make the move until he saves enough money to fund his return & keep him going until he gets his business going again. I know there's a good chance he only partially means it. After 2 years, I think he is fine without me and me without him. On the other hand, I think she didn't turn out to be what he thought she would be and he does miss what we had would love to come back. So I would appreciate some thoughts on:

1) After 2 years, should I be at a point where I don't think about him (or only very rarely), don't care about him, & have truly moved on? I'm not there yet & I get down on myself for being behind on where I should be.

2) I am beginning to wonder if the reason I haven't stopped contact is that there is an element of revenge as she encouraged him to turn against me and now he is betraying her behind her back. If so, I am ashamed of it as it solves nothing & brings me down to her level.

3) Is it possible & healthy to continue on as friends? The hurt & betrayal damaged our relationship immensely & I don't trust him anymore. I think I must feel "safe" since he has been with her for 2 years & they live across the country. 

4) I worry that he will come into a big source of money and will move back to get back together. I have told him that will be his choice, not based on me but he can't be alone so will want reassurance we have a chance. I am afraid I will feel responsible for his return move and will start to take care of him again (major problem I have always had of "fixing" usually at my expense).

My dream is to be one of those people who pick up and move on without skipping a beat. I've already faltered, postponed, delayed because I shy away from conflict. But I know the strength I would love to own & show. Some of the people who write in are so strong. I wonder why it's hard for me? I don't want to be stuck in an unhealthy place; I hope I'm not.


----------



## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

We aren't so strong we just appear strong when giving others advice if we hadn't of slipped up we wouldn't be here  

1) youspent time with him and loved him. Love never goes away it can be subdued but once you truley love a person it never goes away it has nothing to do with romance passion or anything else and entirley to do with you caring about that person and their life. It is how we express love to different indivuals that changes. Sodon't get yourself down instead just remind yourself yes you care for him and you always will but my life is ahead of me not behind me.

2) Only you can answer that question for yourself.

3) I am dealing with this one right now myself. My wife is divorcing me for the classic line of "I am not in love with you anymore" "I am not happy and I am going to make me happy" There is a lot of hurt and betrayal around it all. But I have realised even though I want her in my life preferably as my wife possibly as my friend I will not allow ehr to disrespect me. I will not allow her to be friendly whilst rubbing my nose into something. Friends are there for each other and it doesn't sound like he is your friend.

4) On this just be honest with him. You have lied to me twice. I care for you but I need you to prove you are serious. It is not me who messed up but you and if you want me back you are going to have to prove. I don't want to hear this or that just do it and not for the hopes of getting me back but because you know its the right thing to do. If he does it just to get you back then he hasn't really changed.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

52 Flower -- What was your boundary after the first affair? I told my husband that he has this ONE chance. I am staying after this ONE affair. If there is another, then I am out the door, no questions, no comments. I have made my boundary clear. What was your boundary?

Honestly, I think that this will be repeated again and again if you did take him back. Sure, you still love who he USED to be when you were happy, but you don't love this guy who constantly betrays you. That isn't who you love. You love the memories and the guy in your memories of happy times.


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

NO.


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

this is a question I am somewhat facing myself. If me and my husband I love so much split, I used to think I'd be able to go on and be friends with him, and I really think it won't be possible, for me anyways. In your case, if there's still feelings of love and the fact that he's still showing duplicitous behavior, I would point to no.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Niceguy13 said:


> 3) I am dealing with this one right now myself. My wife is divorcing me for the classic line of "I am not in love with you anymore" "I am not happy and I am going to make me happy" There is a lot of hurt and betrayal around it all. But I have realised even though I want her in my life preferably as my wife possibly as my friend I will not allow ehr to disrespect me. I will not allow her to be friendly whilst rubbing my nose into something. Friends are there for each other and it doesn't sound like he is your friend.


Great point you made here, Nice.

Had your hub not up and left to go move in with her, I'd say try to work it out. But he is living with OW for 2 yrs now and feeding you lines about how he misses you and wants his old life back. Pfft, please.


----------



## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Fuuuuuuuuck that! Move on with your life- you deserve it. I guess it wasn't what he hoped for, right? Deal with it(him). In my opinion he doesn't deserve squat? Then again, its just MY upinion.


----------



## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

Thank you for your thoughts. Thank goodness work keeps me occupied during the day with occasional down times. But sometimes I get lost with my feelings during the drive home and arrival to an empty home. I appreciate the feeling that there are people who understand and are willing to share their opinions and...care!

I have read many books about narcissism and realize he basically looks for his narcissistic supply to feed his needs. He will never be without a woman...he could never leave one without having another ready to provide a place for him. He will never be without things to make him look important. And he knows how to be charming and look like a wonderful man with integrity and honor. But he is so good, people don't know. No one knows of his past. If he could shed his narcissistic personality, he would be a terrific catch but.....I have only seen this person transiently.

DawnD, after the 1st affair, I told him to stay. He asked to come back and I said there's a lot of work that we need to do and he needed to do a lot to heal the scars he made. I told him very clearly that if he hurt me again, I wouldn't and couldn't stay with him. He said he understood and he would never ever hurt me again.

Intellectually I understand he is not a good risk. I believe every friend & family member would give up on me if I took him back. I have struggled so hard to stand up to the unapparent abuse that cast a negative veil on my self esteem (that I am struggling to rebuild). He is so good at what he does. I know the new & younger partner is probably enthralled with his adoration & charm.

I am concerned but feel better (although sadly so) that there are others of you who wonder if it is possible to let the past go and still have this person in your life. I know he would like to stay friends and has actually asked if I would consider remarrying him. Since I am already divorced, there are times when I think "why not"? And other times when I agree "NO!". If I were to tell him to get out of my life, he probably would try and slaughter me and would leave. He cannot take betrayal (Ha!) and rejection. I agree...it would probably be at my cost to continue a relationship. Some days I get a little lost and then I remember the good times we had and how nice he can be. How do you maintain the strong "you can't bring me down - you're not worth the risk anymore & I don't want you in my life" persona?

So how should this be handled? Just taper off on the communication and make it look like a natural outcome? Have a frank conversation and say it isn't right to continue a relationship when he has one going (behind her back)? Let him have it and tell him he is a bottom feeder (along with her) and I want nothing to do with him?


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Just tell him you want him out of your life, plain and simple, change your phone number, your email, any way he has to communicate with you, if he finds a way around that, just tell him you want nothing more to do with him, I think you'll be all the healthier for it.


----------



## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

You're probably right. I've done fairly well with your suggestions. I guess it's difficult knowing this we won't know each other anymore...after 19 years. I don't know if I'm bothered that I anticipate his response will be vindictive or if I'm bothered that I will lose contact with someone who was my best friend and who shared many close times together. I need to stop my tendencies of worrying about him & wanting to take care of him. Does it just go away after time apart? It's hard because he keeps telling me he wants to come back, start all over, show me that I can trust him, retire & travel together, & have the closeness we once had. I know....it's just words. Just like his words that he had terminal cancer & had 3 months to live. I get it - it's just words.... hard to admit I really didn't mean much to him and he meant so much to me.....


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

OMG is he sick, like is he seriously telling the truth??? I suppose there are ways you could find out, I mean if he's lying, that's pretty crappy of him, and just another reason to get him out of your life. I myself am guilty time and time again of worrying about my husband and helping him, so I get that feeling.


----------



## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

This has nothing to do with Marriage but with best friens but I thought the story might help you. When I was groing up I was "best" friends with my neighbor. I did everything with him. He got a girlfriend so I got a girlfirend etc and so forth. In HS I went to go live with my mom but I still considered him my best friend. Alot of distance gre between us during that time but we stillmet up and did stuff went camping or I remember the hippie festial we went to (I wonder how many babies I have from that sometimes) Then I joined the military. I love all contact with him. Spent four years over seas. Shortly after I came back I get this call out of nowhere its him. He did all this work to find me I was blown away. We chatted on the phone once or twice.

Later that year I was driving back to my hometown with the wife. Get close and decide to give him a call. Let him know I was going to be in town for the weekend would he like to catch up meet my family and everything. He was all for it told me to give him a call that night as he was at work.

If course I called later nothing. So I tried once again immediatley after all its a cell phone and I was using my nieces so he may not hve picked up because of not knowing the number. through about three hours I probaly called and texted 50 times, (yes I know pretty freaking needy but I wanted to see my bestfriend again and I was excited to hang out with him again) well he never picked up and I never saw or heard from him again.

It was at this point I reflected. He never really was my best friend. I thought he was. But he was never there for me I was always there for him. He could flake on me and I would forgive him but it never mattered to him if I was involved in activities or not where as I would put things on hold to wait for him. These weren't actions of a best friends they were the actions of a user.

damn now I really wish I wouldn't of told that story beause that has been my wife recently


----------



## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

One day, when you awaken from your weak state, you will become strong and whole again. In that moment, you do not want to wake up, roll over and look at the man who has betrayed you, sought life away from you and chosen you as a second choice to his lustful desires. 

That is the fear that every Loyal Spouse faces. When we sever the relationship, hope is lost that we have become that first choice.

I am not going to blindly say "forget the bum". What i am going to say is this: Carpe Diem. Sieze the Day. Explore new options.

It is sad, but what helps here is the old saying "Out of sight, Out of mind" Join a singles group or start going out with the intention of finding companionship. Once you have a new interest, he will matter less to you. Kind of like you mattered less to him.


----------



## committed4life (Apr 2, 2011)

what you need to do is find out why he left you in the first place, get to the root of his problem


----------



## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

OK....I think I am getting it. I've been thinking and now understand that I am the one who is afraid of letting go, perhaps because I gave my identity to him. And I am afraid of realizing he really didn't care or love me like a genuine person in a healthy relationship would. Ouch. OK - this is the moment where I must find the courage to face it, heal, and move on. I need to stop hoping that he really did, in fact, love me like normal healthy people do. I need to find a way to stop caring. I have to get there for my own well-being & health.

As far as why he is this person, I believe it has a lot to do with his now narcissistic father. From the stories I hear and after getting to know his father before he past away, I see a man who was emotionally abused & put down by his dad. I think his dad was jealous of him and did not like the attention his mother gave him as a 1st born son. It seems that his father wanted all of the attention & he was a hindrance, thus the outright put downs. Sad, yes...but I believe it would have been a rewarding quest for my exH to be a better man than his dad. I don't understand why he perpetuated the betrayal & cruelty his dad bestowed him.

Paramore, if you are referring to the terminal illness - yes, he had the whole story full of details concerning the biopsy, diagnosis, & prognosis. After the 1st day, I became suspicious of his story and after a few calls, I knew. I played along with it for a week and of course he called & told me of "the miracle"...a mixup in names. I am a health professional & called him on the fact that we go by specimen numbers, not names. He thought his mistake (lie) was humorous or maybe was uncomfortable & acted like it wasn't a big deal. Just another lie...he lied so many times, I feel so stupid that over and over again, all I wanted was to know he wouldn't lie & betray me. I was made a fool of & I was so foolish which makes me frustrated with myself.


----------



## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

HE LIED ABOUT BEING TERMINALLY ILL! Sorry, but he's a sick ****! WOW!!! 

"this is the moment where I must find the courage to face it, heal, and move on."- Yes it is sister. Take this opportunity.


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Wow girl, that is just messed up beyond belief, pretending to have a terminal illness....well, maybe I have one too, is there a terminal mental illness? LOL, called lovetrustitis? HAH! no wait that wouldn't work, itis means inflammation.


----------



## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

Haha...me too. At the beginning, I thought it was me and my shortcomings. I really thought I was going crazy for a while. I can only conclude that he has some deep-seeded scars that require constant feeding of attention and adoration. I wonder if that is why I feel sorry for him. I was not a good person for a personality like his. I'm beginning to wonder if being a giver and fixer are negative attributes...and I've got them both!


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I am a fixer and a giver, even though husband would disagree, I haven't been much of a giver for awhile, and a person who unfortunately tends to take charge when things aren't getting done, I think that's where the accusation of being controlling for the most part falls in.


----------

