# Too forgiving but know I should stay away WAY TOO LONG but please help



## hurtbyhim777 (Oct 3, 2009)

My H & I have been married 23 years and together 26. From the start he never seemed to be as in to me as I him. I had been with several guys before I met him and he knew of them. While he acted like he really wanted to be with me, he spent most of his nights out with friends and partying and I am sure he cheated. I wanted only to prove myself to him - that I was really a good girl and was worthy of his love. We eventually moved in together and I stayed home at night while he went out. We got married and we both worked hard. He did side jobs after hours and after the job would still go out and party. I would pull him out of his truck when he finally made it home many times and put him in bed. I told myself one day I would have proof he was cheating and be strong enough to leave.He was always verbally abusive calling me fat, a wh**e and recounting parts of my past he thought he knew. We had 2 kids and still worked hard, upgrading out house, moving and still him going out and being shady - finally - I found God and in my search for cleanliness - I confessed to him the rest of my past he had not known. He went crazy - he started telling me the truth about all of his past affairs in my house and everywhere for years - he acted as if he was glad about them as "all the while he knew I was trash" even though I had never cheated on him since the day I met him - All I had ever wanted was someone to love me. He finally left and we stayed apart for several months. He met a woman on the internet & flew to meet her -they had sex, he came home - acted sorry - said he wanted to get back - we started seeing each other, had sex and then he flew her here for a week and they stayed together in a hotel. We sold our house and he got kicked out of his rental - so, being forgiving, we all moved into a mobilehome - we were there 4 months with him going out - and he finally said - we needed to find somewhere to go - I moved the kids and I out and at first he was mad - but then he pursued me, was on his best behavior and wooed us back. He convinced us to come back, built us a house and we had been there for the past 9 years - he has had at least 1 other affair since then, and still goes out to see friends and sometimes will not come home till wee hours or not till daylight - more and more the abuse started again - if not verbal - then physical - he yells and fusses - and since I have had my fill - I yell back and he says "act like a man" so he said if I want to act like a man and fight, then we will. He has cornered me on the toilet and beat me in the head, he has taken a hatchet and cut my clothes, he has made the kids get up in the middle of the night during some of our fights so he could tell them how it was all their mom - the wh***s fault - SO - I started drinking - to hide my pain, he would go out - I would drink - kids are now 20 & 16 and tried to ignore us both. While I was at a business meeting, he questioned my daughter about a boy she likes that he does not and he told her if she was not with him, she was against him and told her to leave - she called my mother and stayed there till I got home - then - against her wishes - she went home - he always treats her like trash and calls her brother a little b**t*rd, or fa**ot. 2 weeks ago I had had enough again (of him and booze) and went to a vacant rental house we own. He came the next morning, busted in and first thing, punched me in the back. One week later - he said I knocked him out of a piece last night - cause he still loves me. Since then, he goes from saying things like on txt I miss you so much it hurts, I will love u always to you are a wh**e and I better watch my 16 yo daughter cause the apple never falls far from the tree. He borrowed my car wed. night to "go out to eat" and said he was with a friend. He called at 11:30 saying he was on his way home - so a play by play. Last night I had to be at the house to do some computer work and he said I smell good and my shoulders are so sexy with their freckles and said we could stay the night if we wanted -but I just finished my work and said we were going - today - he is mad again saying I need to get the rest of my stuff out has called cussing and is gone - who knows where. I never wanted to be alone - I tried and tried to forgive cause our lives are so intertwined I don't know how to separate everything - but this time I left, took some clothes, bought a blow up mattress and have gotten a few things when he is not home - please help me be strong and stay away - if nothing but for the kids - the 20 yo boy is like a prisoner - treated like a child - he acts like one and now has one of his own.....I NEED HELP AND I KNOW IT BUT I HATE TO ADMIT THE TRUTH IN THE OPEN....I HURT....and I love and I hate and now at times I wish I were dead because I think it may be the only way to escape....


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Hey congratulations -
you are away. 
you won't go back and you won't let him back.

Your life can only get better with this man OUT of your life.

You know that - in your heart you do.

This - reaching out is the start of a new life for you.
so you need to start taking some steps so that you can stay strong - lots of folk here on this forum will give you moral support but you also need real practical and emotional support.

So let's get started.

where are you living?
can you support yourself?
is there a free legal service in the area?
are there any women's legal services and support services?
what family (aside from your kids do you have)? 
any good friends you can trust?

you need a plan and you will need help

asking for it is a great first step

I can't imagine how difficult things have been

but we are here to help you -


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## hurtbyhim777 (Oct 3, 2009)

Thanks for the support - I live behind a veil...no one really knows what goes on at my house - from the outside we are the family of envy. My husband & I own a biz that I worked for for the past 9 years. I got a real job in my old field in February of this year. Nothing like he makes - but will support me and the 16 yr old - the 20 yr old boy works for family biz and is always there and subject to dads verbal abuse - no one can please him - 

We had a rental house that went empty in August -I had listed it to rent and had several potentials - but came here myseld instead - now every little bit he tells m I owe him the rent since it is not getting it now - and I shoot back fine - take it out of the rent he owes me for the big house - then he says - you think you are a man - you have too much testerone - you need help....yet he can't see that he is the one

Other than my co-workers - who I consider friends - I have not been allowed to have friends. My mother & sister live about an hour away & he gets mad when I talk to them and says things like that is why I dont get me house work done or cook - I am wasting time talking to them. I rarely left the house - he left almost every weekend. Once I got the new job, I have still done the other one at night - which makes him whine that I don't come to bed 

Right now - my plan is to keep reminding me of why I left, of the thoughts more than 15 yrs ago where I knew one day I would leave if I was strong - and try to be strong.....I am hoping he will move here and I can move back into the house - but like today - with the full moon - (he seems to be meaner around that time) I am literally afraid he may come after me - he said he was going to find someone he did not have to beg to love him and I said good me too and he said well if you do you are both dead!


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

you do not deserve to be treated this way. do NOT go back to him or do not let him play on your emotions anymore. 
He is treating badly & this is NOT a healthy relationship.

Loved Kornoth's realistic advice & devising a plan. Like they mentioned, I think you are going to need a support system to get through this - friends, family, co-workers. Please ask them for help. Or if you are in a position to seek professional help -i.e therapist/counselor - please do so. 

your comment about wanting to escape & wishing you were dead concerns me. please try to stay positive and seek help - if needed. 
You will find happpiness again one day - stay strong!!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Write down your plan as knortoh suggested.

Don't bicker and banter back and forth with your H. Set your boundaries clear. Only talk about mutual business. The moment he starts to abuse you in any way...cut him off/hang up/walk away. If you have to call the police and get a restraining order. 

It would be extremely helpful to find a counselor for you and your children. Someone to talk to and vent and guide you through this process.

You are a battered wife...over time you get numb to the abuse and often "look away" from things that MOST spouses would leave for....That was a way to protect yourself. 

I commend you for leaving as it was probably difficult.


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## hurtbyhim777 (Oct 3, 2009)

Thanks for all the support! I do find myself bickering and bantering and yes it really complicates things. He is like a child and goes from saying "you can stay here tonight and rubbing up against me" to you need to get a trailer and get your stuff moved. 

Even though I left, it is still so hard to think of life without him! I have spent 25 years trying to be the person he wanted me to be when all the while, everytime he feels like it, he brings up things I did when I was 17-19 and makes out like I am a wh***. Yet he is the one who has had numerous others through our relationship! 

I come home and try to do some extra office work for my "real" job last night - and he went out and stayed out all night. I talked to my 20yo S this am and he said "dad is on the way, we have to do a job - he said he would be here in 20 minutes".

Boy, you can tell this is really hurting him! I will have been gone 2 weeks tonight and he's out and having fun!

I plan to see a money counselor near my work that has a kinship for divorce cases. She, according to a friend I work with, "saved her life with her knowledge and help" when my friend left her cheating H. Hopefully she will advise me of how and what to do to start the separation of all our entanglements! But I will say, if not for my kids, I would walk away from every asset just to be clear of him. But I know that will not work...my daughter wants to go to college and our biz makes 10 times more than I do at my job -

My biggest issue is still catching myself thinking how will he react if we do stuff: is he going to be mad if I work late, is he going to be mad someone scratched the car, is he going to fuss because I let D go to the ballgame - It has always been - tip toeing around him and how he will react.

This is liberating - leaving and telling my story - even though anonymously - but still I feel such fear and sadness and anger


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I've been married for almost 25 years...it much to become disentangled. So much is about the meshing of lives and now you have to disconnect.

Being that you could never be yourself...you will be on the track of learning how to BE yourself. It's difficult because you never, under his rule, had to make big decisions. You were always looking to please him or at the very least not upset him.

No matter what it's scary and sad. The death of dreams. However, in your instance, you may find a much better life on the "other" side. Keep moving forward and limit contact so that he doesn't get into your head too much. He's a master of 25 years doing this....keep your distance.


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## hurtbyhim777 (Oct 3, 2009)

You sound like you could be a very good friend! 

Yes, he is the king of manipulation...texting me twice today saying things like hey - what are you doing...I just did not answer! 

I am trying to stay my distance. Thanks for all the support....I NEED IT!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

We are all here as support. This board has helped me in many ways. 

So much manipulation and head games play into these relationships. You are strong and doing a great job.


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