# Selfishness



## DeenaBoBeena (Sep 20, 2011)

My husband claims he deeply regrets cheating on me. He feels a tremendous amount of guilt and shame. He swears up and down that he wants to treat me the way I deserve to be treated, love me the way I deserve to be loved. He is adamant that he does not want to leave me.

The problem is, all of his pain and anguish is selfish. He's upset over what *he's* lost, over finding out that he's not the husband and father he thought he was, etc, etc. He's very self-absorbed and wrapped up in himself. He's unable or unwilling to empathize with me, to feel the pain I'm in, though he knows that he will lose me forever if he doesn't do it. Right now we're doing an in-house separation because we can't afford two places, and because I'm not willing to let him walk all over me anymore.

So my question is.. will he come out of this selfish phase? I'm wondering if he's a narcissist.. I got a book on dealing with narcissists and it seems to describe him pretty well (except the overt boasting/bullying.. he's much more subtle). Is this something that will take a long time for him to learn to overcome, or is it reasonable to tell him to just suck it up, grow up, man up, whatever.. and take responsibility for the hurt he's caused?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't see him feeling deep guilt, regret, shame and him not wanting to leave u as a bad or selfish thing. Lots of cheaters don't feel any of the things u just described. If there's something u need him to do in terms of recovery...then tell him straight up. Tell him what he needs to do in order for u to feel he is empathizing w you and etc. It sounds like the gravity of what he did just hit him like a ton of bricks and that is a VERY good thing, IMO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DeenaBoBeena (Sep 20, 2011)

The 'bad' thing is that he freely admits he's feeling sorry for himself, he's pitying himself, and that he's not caring at all about what I'm feeling. I'll repeat that.. he freely admits that he has no desire to focus on what his actions have done to me. His pain, guilt, and shame are *only* for what *he* has lost.. not for what he's done to his family.

I've told him exactly what I need.. I need for him to stop only feeling sorry for himself, to stop only being concerned with how this all affects him. He needs to empathize with me, to focus on how his actions have affected me. I mean.. he literally gave me an ulcer! Not to mention the emotional pain, the stress, etc.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Then u need to tell him that and tell him what he needs to do in order for u to even consider reconciliation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Mine too.. but instead of staying and facing it, he left and went right to the OW. I lost the littlest thread of respect I had left. 

I think mine too if thinking about how HE feels not how I or our daughters feel at all. The level of selfishness it has taken to do what he did for the past 1.5 years and the last week after he was found out is utterly astounding to me.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Then u need to tell him that and tell him what he needs to do in order for u to even consider reconciliation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I told mine and he was too cowardly to face it. He says he doesn't love me anymore (or course the day before he wasn't sure how he felt). Mine is still very very deep in the fog. Maybe he doesn't love me anymore, I can't be sure, but honestly, I think he is too weak to do what has to be done to earn my trust back and it is easier to say that and run away. He has a history of running away from the hard stuff.


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