# I was the other man. she is now divorced. She now broke up with me



## GooglyMoogly (Nov 12, 2009)

I was the other man in a 14 year affair. She was my only woman all that time. We loved each other, we still do. 

She had to stay married on paper for many reasons, her love and/or relationship with her husband was not one of them.

She moved out last year and earlier this year her divorce was final. We were finally free. 

Then the problems started. She felt too guilty about our past to now tell her kids that we are 'dating' now. The kids always knew me as their moms friend. I didn't see what was so hard about a male friend wanting to date a woman, and ease into a romantic relationship in public. But she was too scared to do that, so I gave her time.

Then she started feeling ashamed at the way we started. "We should have never been together" she says. And yeah, morally she is right. But we loved and needed each other for 14 years, and NOW is the time she is having trouble dealing with it.

She broke up with me a few months ago for the above reasons. We have been in contact with each other everyday, and even went on another stint of dating recently, then she called it off again. Why? "When she is with me, she is the happiest girl alive. At home or talking to her kids, she feels ashamed and guilt-ridden."

I have asked her to tell me she never wants to be with me, she cant say it, for thats not how she feels. She says if she could deal with the guilt and remove it, she would be allowed to feel how she feels about me, which is wanting me. 

Her current guilt and shame about how we started is tearing her apart, and us. We love each other very much, and she says this is as hard on her as it is me. 

She started going to a therapist this week to deal with her issues, her guilt and shame being one. 

I guess what I'm wondering is....would a therapist nudge her against seeing me based on how we met and started our relationship? I mean we love each other deeply to this day. We are happy together. In her heart she wants me. Wouldn't a therapist just recommend to her to follow her heart? 

thanks for reading and any advice, or similar stories.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

A therapist isn't there to nudge her in any particular direction except the one that is right for her.

You are going to have to remain patient and allow her space to sort this out.

And you might want to wonder why she wouldn't do the exact same thing to you eventually. Are you completely confident that after 14 years of deceiving someone else that she couldn't possibly do the same to you?

Why did you accept being second? Do you have low self-esteem? And don't you have any guilt yourself takign what was clearly not yours in the first place? 

Consider therapy yourself.

BTW, there is a thread on the main board where the two cheaters got married and are now going through issues surrounding guilt.


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## GooglyMoogly (Nov 12, 2009)

All valid questions, of course. And yes I have thought about all that.

Have I considered she would cheat on me? Sure. But I know how her husband treated her. I don't do that. If I did she wouldn't have been with me.

Accepted being second? Yeah I guess. But I was second to her kids well-being and education. The kids are out of the house now, so she left.

Low self esteem? Maybe, I don't know. I didn't seek her out to fall in love with, nor her me. We met, became friends, and didn't "cross the line' or so much than hug for over a year. I do not feel guilty for taking what was not mine. She was not his, in mind or heart. She and I wish it could have been different. But we happened and we went from there.

And here we are now.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Googly, you are kidding yourself if you didn't "take". Why do you think she is feeling guilty, because she knows you both did. Won't get any sympathy from me.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I've stated it numerous times here; ultimately, nothing good comes out of an affair.

If you are looking for a healthy, loving, relationship, trying to find it with someone who is already married is not a good place to start.

It's easy to demonize the 'other' guy. What you know of her husband is what she told you, and obviously it wasn't going to be flattering. Cheating involves lying - and everybody in the picture gets lied to.

In my case, TOM was convinced that I am an absolute monster that wanted to control, manipulate, and belittle my wife. Can't say that I doubt that's what she made herself believe to justify her behavior - but it simply wasn't true.

Here is what you need to accept: at this point, you won't ever recapture 'the magic'. From her perspective, your relationship being 'secret' was half of that magic.

Now, in relationship terms, you get to be just like everyone else. Ordinary, and chalk full of issues.

I would recommend that you move on - but I'm guessing that is a step that you cannot imagine.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

GooglyMoogly said:


> I do not feel guilty for taking what was not mine. She was not his, in mind or heart. She and I wish it could have been different. But we happened and we went from there.
> 
> And here we are now.


Have you ever considered why you never felt guilty but yet she is so ashamed and guilty she cannot continue on? Perhaps you were also lied to. I cannot tell you how you should feel but clearly you do not respect the bounds of marriage. If he treated her so awfully, she should have at least formally separated if for some reason she could not get a divorce. If she chose not to divorce for sake of her kids, then its safe to say you will never be the man for her. 

I don't see a positive outcome here for you two as a couple. Perhaps she even enjoyed the forbiddenness of your relationship.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

She is ashamed because now that the divorce has happened she can clearly see how much she hurt her kids. No matter that they are grown, what they thought was a family was torn from them and she sees their pain. She also knows that if they know or find out about the affair they will always view you as a home wrecker and her as a betrayer. It is nearly impossible to develop a long term, successful relationship built on the ashes of a broken marriage. The foundation of the relationship is flawed to start with.


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