# Duped by my wife



## dazed_confused (Aug 23, 2012)

Well my wife went into the hospital just a little over a year ago for the first time with depression. She met this guy in the out patient treatment program, who she claimed were just friends. At first I was in a real tracker phase checking who she was calling and things like that. 

I had heard that people in recovery for things like this can form a relationship. Well she went back into the hospital about 5 months later. I finally reached out to this guy to let him know and became friends with him. He assured me there was nothing going on.

Him and Talked from time to time and we even had him over for his birthday and Christmas. I was so fooled on a few occasion when he told my wife he didn't want to be friends I said please don't do that to her. Not knowing I probably said please screw my wife.

So Monday my wife tries to take her life again because if the depression. She called me to tell me what she did only because she didn't like the way she felt from taking all her pills.

So I call 911, they get to her and she is alive. While in the hospital the nurse asked her for illicit drug use which she replies she smoked weed on Thursday. I am like WTF and she smile an says to me I am not telling you. I question her about having sex with Rob and she says no.

So I call her sponsor for AA and let her know what is going on. We talk about Rob and she says it is not right. So I agree and tell her I am going to tell Rob she is pregnant to see his response.

So yesterday I talk to him and do it, well boy did I not like what I heard... He came clean and was like it was on 5 to 10 times. and I am like AWESTRUCK. So I finally talk to my wife and tell her I know and said it was about 40 or 50 times and she yes.... The only this that was consistent was it was over back in December.

What do I do from here? We have two beautiful boys, I truly love her. And am pretty messed up right now.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

She needs to be responsible for her own health and well-being. She is using you and the OM.
From my point of view is sounds as if she is emotionally manipulating you with suicide attempts. My STBXH used to do the same thing. As soon as I refused to engage in his manipulations, he switched his tune and tried to say I was never supportive. Sadly, her mental illness is keeping her from thinking about the consequences of her actions. Unless she gets her metal health under control it will get worse, and you WILL get hurt. If you have the desire to stay, get into IC to deal with this.


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

First I am sorry you are here.

Read the 180. Start looking at the steps that really need to be done.

Do not be nice to your wife. Don't sweeten her up to much. She did some very bad things and you don't want to send the message that it is ok.

Don't be mean or bitter. Just be strong and confident in doing what is right. It will hurt a lot. Don't show her weakness. Men aren't weak. If you show that you are emotional about this, it will be seen as weakness and the OM will be more attractive to her.

Be prepared to lose her because you may no matter what, but if you aren't prepared to lose her you won't be able to win her back if that is what you want.

Do you really love her? She utterly betrayed you. She betrayed your family and your children. She did unspeakable acts. Do you love her or love the idea of her and what you thought your family was? There is no wrong answer here and you will ask yourself this question 1000 times and your answers may vary. You have to decide this for yourself.

Isolate your finances, start snooping on her, keyloggers, VAR etc... Gather information and start the 180. You need to be strong and firm here. Gather your support team, good friends, family etc... TAM is a wealth of wisdom here. MC is bogus in general just FYI, but get your finances and legal things straight. Many of us get cheated on then have to pay alimony to our cheating EXes... Wonderful system but it is what it is...


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Is your wife a leech ? Does she work ? How did she get the money ?

Is this her first time cheating on you ? 

How is she reacting ? Is she remorseful and doing what you need ?


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Does the guy have a wife or gf? Call her up and let her know.

Obviously this guy is gone from her life forever. No contact ever again, not even a good bye.

Leave orders at the hospital that she is to have no calls or visitors that aren't family.

Take her cell phone from her.

Co you really think it ended back in December yet the OM believes she's preggers with his kid? That 5 months ago. Sorry, but it's not over.

If she's cheating wth him, there may be others too.

I suggest not jolly divorcing her ASAP, but see if you can both use her suicide attempts ate get full permanent custody, but also have her committed to a mental health facility,


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Think about the home environment your children are growing up in. It does not sound healthy. Additionally think about your marriage. Guess what same conclusion. 

Use this time to speak to an attorney It sounds like you are in a good position to go for custody and establish a healthy home life for your kids. 

I understand your wife's illness but that is no excuse for the lying and betrayal and lack of remorse. 

Good luck
Wd
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

1. Get tested for STD's immediately.
2. Get paternity testing on your children
3. See a lawyer immediately to understand your options. Do not allow her to destroy you and your children's lifes.


----------



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

dazed_confused said:


> Well my wife went into the hospital just a little over a year ago for the first time with depression. She met this guy in the out patient treatment program, who she claimed were just friends. At first I was in a real tracker phase checking who she was calling and things like that.
> 
> I had heard that people in recovery for things like this can form a relationship. Well she went back into the hospital about 5 months later. I finally reached out to this guy to let him know and became friends with him. He assured me there was nothing going on.
> 
> ...


I hear this from every single Betrayed partner going through this. Right now you head and your heart are going to be seriously conflicted. Ask yourself do you really love her now or do you love the person she was before you found all of this out? You may love the person she was however once your partner starts down the A route something about them changes. It is a fundamental shift and some of them after Dday are able to sort out the changes and figure out what let them astray. Other run with their new selves and become selfish, uncaring, and barely in control sex addicts. 
Your WW's depression could be made a lot worse by the guilt of her actions. Now you need to take time to consider where you are at in all of this.
Examine if you are in this relationship because you fear loneliness. (It is inherent in all of us so don't be afraid of this answer.) Truly loving the woman she is now and being able to have a renewed long term commitment and trust in this woman are two separate things. If you love her but can't trust her or that you feel you should stay together for the kids. Then you need to determine if you can pretend well enough that your kids won't know that you secretly bear a grudge against your wife. That type of deep seated grudge can not only draw out your pain but expose your kids to a horrible marriage. 

If you seriously think you can get over her infidelity, deal with the mental flash backs where your brain imagines the infidelity first hand, You can eventually trust her 100 percent, and not let your marriage deteriorate into a quagmire of distrust and anger that you will pass on to your kids. Then yes you can pursue R.

Your wife's emotional instability will make R even more difficult. I would say if you want to R wait until her emotional issues have stabilized. otherwise pursue the D and make sure your wife has a good IC and getting one for yourself would be a good idea as well. I hope that whatever happens you make the choice that will bring you peace, and a happy future.


----------



## dazed_confused (Aug 23, 2012)

Right now I am trying to figure out what the hell I am doing. I made an appointment with my lawyer to file for divorce. I am still feeling the need to let her back in my life.

Thanx


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

It may be too late for this:
*Originally Posted by marduk 
I happened to be thinking today about the past year of my marriage. Everyone on these forums were so instrumental in my being in the great place I am today I thought I would post a note about where I was, where I am, and what I’ve learned.

A year ago my marriage was a mess. After 3 kids my stay at home wife spontaneously decided to start going out with her girlfriends again, including a “girls trip” to Vegas. She started a crazy fitness routine, including marathon running and triathalons. She started leaving me at home with the kids 2-3 evenings a week. A rough summer. I was insecure, controlling, alone, and afraid.

Thanks in part to the folks on this forum, life is much better now. My wife only goes out with her friends maybe once a month, and the last time she did, she came home early, threw her arms around me, and told me she’s so happy she gets to come home to me. She goes to the gym maybe once or twice a week for an hour or so in the early evening. When she does leave on races out of town the whole family will go on a camping trip together so we can be there for her at the finish line. The stress level in the house is much lower, and our happiness and respect for each other is much higher. Are things perfect? No – we still fight, have conflict, and disagree. But they’re shorter-lived, not has hostile, and just plain don’t seem to hurt so much. What’s changed? Me. Here’s what I learned:

1. Let her go. You can fight, hold her back, be controlling… and you’ll just look petty, insecure, and weak. Be cool, act secure, give her a kiss and say “have fun.” If she’s going to cheat or leave, she’s going to cheat or leave. It’s better if it happens sooner rather than later in my book. A marriage is a choice, a decision that’s made one day at a time. You’re in or out. This was really, really hard. But I've learned that nothing lasts forever, life is change. We can grow together or apart. I can't force her to decide to want to be with me.

2. Set boundaries, and then stick to them. I found in my marriage that it wasn’t ok to say “I don’t want you to do that” but it was ok to say “would you be ok with me doing that?” And then hold her to it. 9 times out of 10 the behaviour would go away on its own if I stuck to it. For example: if it was ok for her to be gone 2-3 nights a week so would I. After a couple of weeks she was dying to sit on the couch and watch a movie after we spent the evening with the kids together. Conversely, if it's within your boundaries, be cool with it. I started to let her off the hook for minor annoyances a lot more which cooled the stress levels.

3. Be ok with losing her. Seriously. After one of our last bad fights before things got better, I reconciled myself to thinking this might be it. The end of our marriage and little family. I thought out how things would be living on my own, sharing custody of the kids, etc. And as tough as it would be, made peace with it. It wouldn’t kill me, it wouldn’t kill my kids. Very negative experience and one I’d like to avoid at all costs, but we would survive. This changed my attitude and clinginess significantly… and to be blunt scared the hell out of my wife. Just last month she told me “I think you’d be more ok without me than I’d be without you.” And for our marriage, that balance of neediness works. I think it’s an alpha male thing, not sure but it seems to work.

4. Do my own thing. I’m out at least once or twice a week doing martial arts, yoga, weights, cross-fit, trail running, hanging with buddies… you name it. Gives me perspective and gives my wife time to miss me. And I’m in kick ass shape compared to last year, and now instead of me worrying about my wife getting hit on I’m having to deal with having her be upset because other women check me out when we go out. I’m going on a weekend martial arts training camp… and my wife couldn’t say a word after going to Vegas last year. Another thing: I make sure I either do something fun with the kids when she goes out (she’ll have to decide if it’s more important to miss out on family fun or friend fun) or I have fun while she’s out. Even something stupid like a scotch and cigar in the back yard when the kids go to bed so I can kick back and listen to the complete lack of complaining about the cigar stink. Ahh…

5. Be a father to our children. Not just “quality” time but real time. Conversations, walks in the park, helping with homework, taking them to soccer, etc. all seemed to help big time. Not just with my wife, but with all of us. And I also found my “father voice,” the voice of discipline and reason in the family. My kids listen to me a lot more, not in fear, but they know they have to listen. Now my wife comes to me when the kids don’t listen to her, not the other way around.

6. Get some buddies. Guys need close guy friends to do guy stuff. Complain about their wives. Be stupid and macho. Whatever that means to you, it worked wonders for me.

7. Fight different. Walk away rather than blow up. Mean what you say and stand up to it. For example, if I threaten that if she keeps doing x that means I'll do y, then I bloody well do y if she does x. This had two effects: I thought about what I said more, and so did my wife. I think my wife has a need to be able to hold me at my word, even if that’s a bad thing. Not sure why. Using few words in a fight, slowly and quietly while looking her directly in the eye seems to also work. Once it’s said, don’t repeat it. It is what it is.

8. Act from a place of strength. I don’t think my wife wants a weakling. She may say that she’ll want me to be more intimate, vulnerable, etc… I think that’s actually BS. Or at least that she doesn’t mean weak or actually vulnerable. If you have flaws or weaknesses either accept it and move on or fix it. I don’t let my wife try to fix my flaws any more. If she brings something up and tries to fix it I’ll ask her to mind her own business (gently). Not a behaviour that impacts her, those I’ll always try to listen to her on. But I don't let her judge me or try to live up to her expectations any more. I define myself, I don't let her do that for me.

9. Be decisive. Again I think this is an alpha male thing. Make plans. I planned a few date nights, and didn’t ask what she wanted to do. Instead I planned stuff I thought might be fun for us, and asked if she was having a good time. She was, especially if it was stuff she didn’t normally like to do (one time we went to a tattoo expo – I have one small tattoo and she has none – but got us out of our element and we had a blast!) Now if she asks me “what do you want to do” I answer with what I want. Works in bed too – I just made sure she felt comfortable in saying “no.” Don’t bully, be decisive and adaptable.

10. Know what I want from life. This is hard in today’s world. I had to pull my head out of my ass and figure out that I don’t want to sit on the couch every night and watch TV. So now I don’t. At least not every night.

11. Do more macho stuff. Fix something around the house. Dig a big hole in the back yard and plant a tree. Fixing her car, for example, seemed to turn a light bulb on in my wife’s head that reminded me that I’m a man and not one of her girlfriends.

So that’s my list. Hope it helps some of the guys out there. Your mileage may vary, and my marriage may still fail, but I’m in a much better spot in the past year than I have been in a long, long time.

Thanks for everything!*


If it is go here, Do not skip steps, this prepares you for divorce.

The Healing Heart: The 180

In any event you pushed your wife together with this a$$hole. That means you do not understand the role of a protective, ****blocking husband and you need to read this book ASAP. MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER, there is an amazon link in my signature below.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

dazed_confused said:


> Well my wife went into the hospital just a little over a year ago for the first time with depression. She met this guy in the out patient treatment program, who she claimed were just friends. At first I was in a real tracker phase checking who she was calling and things like that.
> 
> I had heard that people in recovery for things like this can form a relationship. Well she went back into the hospital about 5 months later. I finally reached out to this guy to let him know and became friends with him. He assured me there was nothing going on.
> 
> ...


I see two things at play here.

1) You need to do what is best for you and your sons. You're health and safety have to be priority #1. 

2) And completely separate from #1, look out for now for your wife's safety and health. 

Get her serious professional help in place. She will either follow it or not, but you can only do so much. On some level, she is an adult and makes her own choices in life. But do get her some help.

I think you have to take custody of the kids through the courts for their safety and then either separate from her or be in a position to have her monitored until the fog clears and you kn ow how you want to move forward.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

A person who doesn't want to live is dangerous. She was willing to leave you and your sons. She's proved it all through her adultery and she's proved it by her suicide attempt. You might feel love for her but I think she's incapable of feeling the same for you, her kids, and probably herself (at least, in her present state). Given the choice between a relationship with her husband and kids and one with a mentally imbalanced person, she picks the mentally imbalanced partner. There's not a lot of difference between a decision to take one's life and the decision to take a couple kids along, too. I don't believe I could trust her to supervise my kids while I was at work. You honestly don't know if you'll come home to a wife or a corpse or a home with three corpses. She has choices she can make. Your kids don't. They depend on you for their safety and if you are wrong they will pay a price that can't be undone. I'd have to find another place for my wife to live or another place for my kids, at least, for a while.


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

chapparal said:


> It may be too late for this:
> *Originally Posted by marduk
> I happened to be thinking today about the past year of my marriage. Everyone on these forums were so instrumental in my being in the great place I am today I thought I would post a note about where I was, where I am, and what I’ve learned.
> 
> ...



Can you gold plate this somewhere, it is a wonderfull inspiration!


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

dazed_confused said:


> Right now I am trying to figure out what the hell I am doing. I made an appointment with my lawyer to file for divorce. I am still feeling the need to let her back in my life.
> 
> Thanx


Hi, in your first post you told of a lot of good things you did. Strong discovering of the affair etc.

It would be OK to shock her out of the fog by presenting divorce papers. Tell her only at the same time that you will consider taking her back if she want to comply to YOUR rules, and that if you she she will be remorsfull and act like you want you could take her back, eventually. This is often something that works. It may be your best chance.

The awfull risk of her taking her life because you push her further in depression is present, _*but*_ the risk of her taking her life (and possible your kids') while in the same situation as you were already, may be a lot bigger. That's from where why she did an attempt now.

A very tough choice, only you, and maybe some one you trust and who knows her could evaluate properly.

I will pray for you, her and your kids.


----------



## Single Malt (May 2, 2013)

dazed First off, you cannot ignore her infidelity out of fear that she may try to take her own life. Because the alternative is to put up with it.

I understand you wouldn't want anything to happen to her, especially for the kids, but again, what alternative do you have other than to turn a blind eye to her having sex with another man?

If it were me, I'd leave with the kids. Get a divorce and get custody. Could be the reason she is depressed is because she doesn't like being married and tied down, and doesn't want to limit herself to sex with just you.

If you are truly scared of what she might do, you are in a tough spot. I really don't know how to advise on that.

But I do know, unless you plan on turning the other cheek and letting her have sex with other men, you need to make the break from her. Because you aren't going to change her. Even if she stops, she is still a woman that would really like to be out having sex with other men.


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

dazed_confused said:


> So I agree and tell her I am going to tell Rob she is pregnant to see his response.
> 
> So yesterday I talk to him and do it, well boy did I not like what I heard... He came clean and was like it was on 5 to 10 times. and I am like AWESTRUCK. So I finally talk to my wife and tell her I know and said it was about 40 or 50 times and she yes.... The only this that was consistent was it was over back in December.
> 
> What do I do from here? We have two beautiful boys, I truly love her. And am pretty messed up right now.


That was a very very smart move on your part and you played them perfectly to get the information you needed. Now divorce her if you can get custody of your boys.


----------



## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

Where did they have sex 40-50 times, in the hospital? How is that possible.


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Suspecting said:


> Where did they have sex 40-50 times, in the hospital? How is that possible.


The sex therapy ward...


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP, get checked for STDs and speak to an attorney.

You can also have the paternity of the kids checked from the privacy of your own home if you want that peace of mind. Google paternity tests. They are painless, easy, private and not very expensive. You do not need your wife's permission or her as a sample.

Take care of yourself.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

BobSimmons said:


> The sex therapy ward...


:lol::lol::lol::lol::rofl::rofl:


----------



## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

What ?! There was no sex therapy ward in the hospital I visited the last week. Besides, hospital beds squeak.


----------



## dazed_confused (Aug 23, 2012)

Suspecting said:


> Where did they have sex 40-50 times, in the hospital? How is that possible.


They didnt have sex in the hospital... His and my house once.


----------



## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

i would D her yesterday.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

dazed_confused said:


> Right now I am trying to figure out what the hell I am doing. I made an appointment with my lawyer to file for divorce. I am still feeling the need to let her back in my life.
> 
> Thanx


Dazed, you sound like my own brother 15 years ago. Things like this seldom get any better and usually get worse. He "hung in there" because he felt the marriage was worth it, he loved her, they had two kids, etc., and he's ended up raising a third kid that's not his. (plus untold expenses and stress related to her drug problems) He is now in the process of divorcing her after she has ruined him financially and emotionally. She ain't worth it my man. Get rid of her or plan on living in hell until you do.


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Dazed, please keep posting, it is anonymous, it can help make sense of all your thoughts and emotions, it can be liberating.

And it could help better your situation.


----------

