# New here..'The Looker"



## Ducky316 (Aug 16, 2012)

Hi all...My name is Melanie. I am 40 years old, and my husband of 7 years is 50. This is my second marriage, and his first. We have a very good and healthy relationship. We enjoy our company over anyone else's and rarely ever spend time with people outside of eachother. There simply is no one I'd rather spend my tme with than my husband..he is my best friend.

Of course NO marriage is perfect...and ours certainly is not the excepton. We work through most problems fairly well as communication has never been a problem for us....but my husband has the most annoying habit that not only bugs me immensly, but truly hurts my feelings. Ever since we started dating, I've noticed he checks out a lot of women....It's not just a glance either...it's more like staring. I can't tell you how many times we've talked about this and he continues to do it. The fact that he knows how this effects me, and still doesn't stop makes me wonder what he's doing when I'm not around...meaning it effects my trust in him. 

My self esteem has never been that great, but I am attractive. In fact, I'm far cuter than he is LOL.. but when he does this it makes me feel very inadequate...and when I feel inadequate, I don't want to be intimate.

I know that compared to some other couples problems, this may seem very silly...maybe it is...maybe it's just my problem and not his?


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## Ducky316 (Aug 16, 2012)

67 views and no replies...


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Welcome, Melanie! Sounds as if you have a pretty strong marriage  
Being that this is his first marriage, has he been in any long term relationships or pretty much single up until he met you? It may be a case of old habits die hard if he has spent most of his life single and 'looking' ... I can tell you that this would bother me too, but from what you are saying seems he is happy with you and your marriage.

While I wouldn't expect my husband to never notice other women out in public, I do appreciate that he does not openly stare. I would feel disrespected if he did and probably feel the same way you do. Is this something he defends (as in he's not doing anything wrong?) or something he acknowledges he needs to stop doing?


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## Ducky316 (Aug 16, 2012)

Thank you swedish for replying 

Yes, I was his first truly long term relationship...He had never even lived with a woman before me. His longest relationship prior to me was ony 6 months. He admits it's something he shouldn't do, and says he is trying to stop doing it, and to his credit it's better than it use to be (not quite so obvious and not so lingering) He says like you, it's habit...

I make it worse though because now I find myself watching for him to do it...Just waiting for him to screw up. That's why I wonder if it's more my problem than his....


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I'm glad to hear he is trying  Definitely does not sound as if this has anything to do with how attractive he finds you to be...so in part, yes, it is your insecurity at play, especially since he is trying to change his behavior.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

We all look at members of the opposite sex, but staring / ogling is another matter altogether. By staring at other women whilst in your company he is being disrespectful.

When I first dating my current partner, he used to not only stare at other women, but also make comments... I'm not a jealous, insecure person, but did find his behaviour rude and disrespectful. Once I managed to explain to him that I found his behaviour embarrassing and offensive, he stopped it immediately.

Hopefully when your H learns that a glance of appreciation is normal and acceptable, but ogling isn't,he will stop.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Ducky316 said:


> Thank you swedish for replying
> 
> Yes, I was his first truly long term relationship...He had never even lived with a woman before me. His longest relationship prior to me was ony 6 months. *He admits it's something he shouldn't do, and says he is trying to stop doing it, and to his credit it's better than it use to be (not quite so obvious and not so lingering) He says like you, it's habit...*
> 
> I make it worse though because now I find myself watching for him to do it...Just waiting for him to screw up. That's why I wonder if it's more my problem than his....


He's been looking for 7 years and you know he loves you...you understand that this is a 50 year habit for him, and is not meant to hurt you personally, and that he is trying to control it...can you accept that he's working on it and not take it so personally? 

People are imperfect, and if he already recognizes this is a problem and is trying to change his habit, I think his heart is in the right place. Can you give him the benefit of the doubt?


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Ducky316 said:


> Thank you swedish for replying
> 
> Yes, I was his first truly long term relationship...He had never even lived with a woman before me. His longest relationship prior to me was ony 6 months. He admits it's something he shouldn't do, and says he is trying to stop doing it, and to his credit it's better than it use to be (not quite so obvious and not so lingering) He says like you, it's habit...
> 
> I make it worse though because now I find myself watching for him to do it...Just waiting for him to screw up. That's why I wonder if it's more my problem than his....


Glad that you have a strong and happy marriage. 

I think it is a red flag when someone reaches the age of 40 without even living with a partner in a committed relationship. It usually indicates commitment problems or serious flaws that nobody can live with. This has been my experience, which may not be yours.

Please do not take responsibility for your husband's behaviour. It is not your fault that he is being rather disrespectful. Everybody will notice an attractive person, but staring in the presence of your spouse is just rude.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

I cant say whats going on in your hubby's mind and I understand your hurt feelings.However this is something as a man I struggle with too,we guys like to look. I think its hard wired in our brain.Please do not let this hurt your self esteem.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

This is one of my favorite stories to tell...

Out one night with a man I was dating, and he was breaking his neck to look at some gorgeous blonde at the bar we were at. I let him go for awhile, asked what are you looking at, got the 'nothing' reply. He kept on staring...she gets up to go to the washroom or something, and I get up and start calling out to her "Miss! Oh, Miss! Yes, you the blonde in the white pants, can you come over here please???" And I'm waving her over...BF hisses "What the F are you doing???" So I quietly lean over and tell him "Well, I'm inviting 'Svetlana' over so that you can introduce yourself, since you've been breaking your neck to stare at her since she sat down!". He begged me not to do it. I waved her off, told her sorry, that I thought she was someone else. L.M.A.O.!!!!!!!!!!!!! You shoulda seen the look on his face! He never did it again. I ended up dumping him anyway. Lol.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Ducky316 said:


> Hi all...My name is Melanie. I am 40 years old, and my husband of 7 years is 50. This is my second marriage, and his first. We have a very good and healthy relationship. We enjoy our company over anyone else's and rarely ever spend time with people outside of eachother. There simply is no one I'd rather spend my tme with than my husband..he is my best friend.
> 
> Of course NO marriage is perfect...and ours certainly is not the excepton. We work through most problems fairly well as communication has never been a problem for us....but my husband has the most annoying habit that not only bugs me immensly, but truly hurts my feelings. Ever since we started dating, I've noticed he checks out a lot of women....It's not just a glance either...it's more like staring. I can't tell you how many times we've talked about this and he continues to do it. The fact that he knows how this effects me, and still doesn't stop makes me wonder what he's doing when I'm not around...meaning it effects my trust in him.
> 
> ...


This would annoy me as well; not the looking but staring. It is disrespectful to you & the women who he is staring at.

If that is you in your avatar, you are a very attractive woman. He may see other men staring at you & he may feel insecure about it so "flips the script" & stares at other women perhaps?

In any event, I would "distract" him when he starts staring by pinching his ass or something


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I've been married for almost 29 years.

My husband looks at other women - so what.

I look at other men - so what.

I'm married, not dead.

He's married, not dead.

If this is your "biggest" problem, then you need to consider yourself quite lucky.

Work on your own self-confidence and own self-esteem. Nothing he does should make you feel worse about yourself. You're putting too much emphasis on what he does and how that makes you "feel." You are responsible for how you feel, someone else cannot make you feel worse about yourself unless you let them.

Sorry if I'm being harsh, but this is normal human behavior, especially so for men as they tend to be more visual than women. 

If he starts looking at "MEN" that way, then you might have an issue...


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> This is one of my favorite stories to tell...
> 
> Out one night with a man I was dating, and he was breaking his neck to look at some gorgeous blonde at the bar we were at. I let him go for awhile, asked what are you looking at, got the 'nothing' reply. He kept on staring...she gets up to go to the washroom or something, and I get up and start calling out to her "Miss! Oh, Miss! Yes, you the blonde in the white pants, can you come over here please???" And I'm waving her over...BF hisses "What the F are you doing???" So I quietly lean over and tell him "Well, I'm inviting 'Svetlana' over so that you can introduce yourself, since you've been breaking your neck to stare at her since she sat down!". He begged me not to do it. I waved her off, told her sorry, that I thought she was someone else. L.M.A.O.!!!!!!!!!!!!! You shoulda seen the look on his face! He never did it again. I ended up dumping him anyway. Lol.


:lol::lol::lol: My kind of lady! You made my day!


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

If your husband has problems with breaking his neck to look at other women while you are around he has some major dysfunction in the respect area. He could at least side glance, men start learning to perfect that while they're still going through puberty. Someone didn't teach him right I think you need to pick up where Mama left off.
Let him know that it's an issue of respect. You deserve it since you wash his panties.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Grab his chin, steer his to your face, look him the eye and whisper "Knock this sh^t off or I will cut you"


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

Well my estranged husband used to stare all the time at other women, even when i first dated him, it was embarrassing and i had never experienced a man in my company doing that before, not just a glance because we all do that, i mean dead on staring.

He said he didn't know he was doing it, he just wore sunglasses every where instead, he said he was a people watcher.

yeah right.

Lets just say men that do that are pretty rude and disrespectful.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I've been married for almost 29 years.
> 
> My husband looks at other women - so what.
> 
> ...


There's a difference between a glance and an ogle. The former is normal (we all do it), the latter is embarrassing and disrespectful.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

50 years old and on his first real relationship? Hmmm....


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> 50 years old and on his first real relationship? Hmmm....


When I was 24, I dated a man who was much too old for me. He was past the age of forty and had never lived with a woman, been married or had a relationship last longer than a year. This guy complained that his past, women he dated "turned into the ice queen" and stopped wanting sex.

I found out that he was selfish, cheap and as sloppy as a pig. Women don't like being intimate with men who only care about themselves or men who never clean their homes. I left this loser when I broke my arm and he constantly complained about the gas money he had to spend to come see me. 

Emotionally healthy people do not reach the age of 40 with no relationship experience at all.


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## Ducky316 (Aug 16, 2012)

WOW! Some very good replies...and some not so good. Not sure why my husbands past relationships became more of an issue than the subject at hand, but okay. 

He was 43 when we met,and is painfully shy and somewhat of a push over. He suffered through years of dysfunstional relationships where he was used and abused and thrown away. Because it took him 43 years to find the right woman for him makes him suspicious? 

I think I always knew his 'looking' was more of my issue than his (I failed to mention my ex husband did this as well...and he cheated) Now, I'm not saying I'm gonna let it go when I see it LOL...BUT I feel a bit better having read some of your replies. We all come with some baggage...I think I need to unpack a bit. 

Thanks everyone!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Ducky316 said:


> WOW! Some very good replies...and some not so good. Not sure why my husbands past relationships became more of an issue than the subject at hand, but okay.
> 
> He was 43 when we met,and is painfully shy and somewhat of a push over. He suffered through years of dysfunstional relationships where he was used and abused and thrown away. Because it took him 43 years to find the right woman for him makes him suspicious?



It can be an issue, but not always. My partner was 43 when I met him, and it sounds like his relationship history was similar to your H's, and he's the most stable man I've ever known. Slightly 'inept' about certain things (eg, the ogling) , but he's been a fast learner


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Like most men I love to look. Sometimes it can be stare/drool when I am alone. Like a teenage boy at 45 I still cannot help it. There are times when I actually will go out of my way in a store to get a better look at a women. Mind you I would never cheat or come close but, to me looking is OK. When I am with my W it is very different. I try to ignore the women around me out of respect. Sometimes I slip. My wife is relatively tolerant. I am not making excuses but, it is difficult not to look. 

As others stated, on some level a man at 43 who never had a serious relationship man have some real flaws if for nothing else he has not learned about these things. That said you need to make it clear how this is disrespectful. Perhaps put boundries ei. Anything more than 2 seconds is a stare…LOL. Try your best not to let it hurt you. For whatever it is worth no matter how hot you are we men will always look at other women period! The best you can hope for is that he tries his best to curtail it for no other reason then out of respect. 

I have family member who blatantly stares at other women. To the point that she will actually point them out to him and beat him to the punch. She has learned to accept it and in fairness he has always been this way and she has chosen to overlook it. Personally I could not tolerate this but, everyone’s different.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> This is one of my favorite stories to tell...
> 
> Out one night with a man I was dating, and he was breaking his neck to look at some gorgeous blonde at the bar we were at. I let him go for awhile, asked what are you looking at, got the 'nothing' reply. He kept on staring...she gets up to go to the washroom or something, and I get up and start calling out to her "Miss! Oh, Miss! Yes, you the blonde in the white pants, can you come over here please???" And I'm waving her over...BF hisses "What the F are you doing???" So I quietly lean over and tell him "Well, I'm inviting 'Svetlana' over so that you can introduce yourself, since you've been breaking your neck to stare at her since she sat down!". He begged me not to do it. I waved her off, told her sorry, that I thought she was someone else. L.M.A.O.!!!!!!!!!!!!! You shoulda seen the look on his face! He never did it again. I ended up dumping him anyway. Lol.




In hindsight, bet he regrets being weak not getting Svetlana's phone number.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

I'm thinking that these women he's looking at are not elderly, right?


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

aug said:


> I'm thinking that these women he's looking at are not elderly, right?


....

that would be so strange.


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## Ducky316 (Aug 16, 2012)

aug said:


> I'm thinking that these women he's looking at are not elderly, right?


ummmm NO lmao:lol::rofl:


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

What is it about men that they seem unable to control themselves around other women, to the point of disrespecting their significant other?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> This is one of my favorite stories to tell...
> 
> Out one night with a man I was dating, and he was breaking his neck to look at some gorgeous blonde at the bar we were at. I let him go for awhile, asked what are you looking at, got the 'nothing' reply. He kept on staring...she gets up to go to the washroom or something, and I get up and start calling out to her "Miss! Oh, Miss! Yes, you the blonde in the white pants, can you come over here please???" And I'm waving her over...BF hisses "What the F are you doing???" So I quietly lean over and tell him "Well, I'm inviting 'Svetlana' over so that you can introduce yourself, since you've been breaking your neck to stare at her since she sat down!". He begged me not to do it. I waved her off, told her sorry, that I thought she was someone else. L.M.A.O.!!!!!!!!!!!!! You shoulda seen the look on his face! He never did it again. I ended up dumping him anyway. Lol.


I was waiting for you to tell this story... I think it's awesome!  :smthumbup:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I LOVE telling that story, I truly do...But the point is, when you're out with ME, you don't stare (yes stare, not just glance) at other broads. 

Besides, all my life, I'VE been the one that the men stare at, so no man of mine is going to pull a reverse on me.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

aug said:


> In hindsight, bet he regrets being weak not getting Svetlana's phone number.


In hindsight, I should have let him! He wasn't worth the time I wasted on him. One of those that was just killing time, continually on the lookout for something better. Then, when I finally called it QUITS for good and ended up meeting someone else (who would become my husband), Mr. Weak whined "But I always thought WE'D end up together!!!". The way to ensure you 'end up together', I remember thinking, is NOT to behave the way he used to behave...

I just have to say how NICE it is to be out with someone who treats you as though you're the only woman in the world!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> I LOVE telling that story, I truly do...But the point is, when you're out with ME, you don't stare (yes stare, not just glance) at other broads.
> 
> Besides, all my life, I'VE been the one that the men stare at, so no man of mine is going to pull a reverse on me.


I think another facet to the whole ogling (not glancing) scenario is that, as women, we know exactly what other women think when a guy does this when he's with a woman. It's either pity for the woman he's with (which is demeaning), or "he can't be that into her, because she can't even keep her man's attention whilst on a date!".


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> What is it about men that they seem unable to control themselves around other women, to the point of disrespecting their significant other?


I don't get it either.

I'm 45 years old and honestly don't do this anymore.
A woman who turns my head in such a manner is a rare beauty.

I've seen it, big deal
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> I think another facet to the whole ogling (not glancing) scenario is that, as women, we know exactly what other women think when a guy does this when he's with a woman. It's either pity for the woman he's with (which is demeaning), or "he can't be that into her, because she can't even keep her man's attention whilst on a date!".


Exactly! Or it makes the woman herself (the one being stared at) uncomfortable....like when you walk past a bunch of men, and they all have their tongues hanging out. I hate that.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Exactly! Or it makes the woman herself (the one being stared at) uncomfortable....like when you walk past a bunch of men, and they all have their tongues hanging out. I hate that.


When I was younger this used to bother me a lot. Not the glances, but the long, hard ogles. Used to make my skin crawl!


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## be-man (Apr 15, 2012)

I like the idea that when this starts to occur that you need to distract him. Pinching him on the butt, blowing on his neck, grabbing his face and moving his eyes to your cleavage, softly tell him what to expect when he gets you home. 

At home walk in front of him naked, make love to him with the lights on with a little practice you will have him cured.

The more you flirt with him the less obvious he will become it will go from ogling to a passing glance.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Well some men and women do take a long look. Its a natural thing with men Im afraid that we are attracted by the visual where females are looking for the hunter-gatherer (thats Sigmund Freud talking not me). However, as an experience my W say a few sportsmen recently and made a wow look at that and look at theose thighs comment - I just hear and not make silly comment. But when I though hold on this is getting my nore ground in the dirt attitude I simple said "Ok so he looks better that me at twice his age. Are you telling me someting?" she looked a little shocked and smiled say nope, just making a comment. This week she opened a magazine whilst sitting next to me. Right on the inside page page was a very pretty young lady wearing just about some swim suite - as she went to turn over I said "hand on Im reading that bit". She looked where I was looking and the expression on her face was priceless. I kept doing that for a day of so until I could see the volcano starting to bubble. When I sat with her watching TV an actress who was in here late thirties was doing a respectful bedroom scene and I made my play "shes looking good isnt she?" I fired off. Then the volcano erupted - "OK so whats going on" I get from her. "I am I not good enough for you now that you make these comments" - I calmly pointed out the instances of the part clothed sportsmen and the rugby player with great thighs and said " No, just joining you on the admiration game". She now I think realises that there is a line and that can be stepped over. Looking on the odd occasion does not hurt, vocalising or ogling continually can be hurtful.


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## Ducky316 (Aug 16, 2012)

be-man said:


> I like the idea that when this starts to occur that you need to distract him. Pinching him on the butt, blowing on his neck, grabbing his face and moving his eyes to your cleavage, softly tell him what to expect when he gets you home.
> 
> At home walk in front of him naked, make love to him with the lights on with a little practice you will have him cured.
> 
> The more you flirt with him the less obvious he will become it will go from ogling to a passing glance.


One, our problem is with him looking at other women...not our sex life and two, I am not going to reward someone for disrespecting me.....


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

be-man said:


> I like the idea that when this starts to occur that you need to distract him. Pinching him on the butt, blowing on his neck, grabbing his face and moving his eyes to your cleavage, softly tell him what to expect when he gets you home.
> 
> At home walk in front of him naked, make love to him with the lights on with a little practice you will have him cured.
> 
> The more you flirt with him the less obvious he will become it will go from ogling to a passing glance.


I would never reward disrespectful behaviour with positive attention.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Ducky, 
I am going to make some assumptions and then offer a culturally taboo suggestion. Assuming:
1. He is physically larger than you are
2. There is no history of real violence in either of your pasts

Given that, my view is that in a sexual context (which this is) as the smaller FEMALE partner you are allowed to avail yourself of a mildly physical response. An accidental elbow to the ribs followed by a semi humorous apology: oh sorry, how clumsy of me. I are you all right (overlaid with a wicked smile)? 

You will likely get a 'hey, I what was that for', after it happens a few times. Nothing wrong with telling him that 'when his gaze locks on to another woman, and your elbow seems to have a mind a its own. Kind of a reflexive reponse'. 

Just to ensure clarity: regardless of size or strength factors, it is NOT OK FOR A MALE TO DO THIS TO HIS FEMALE PARTNER. 

This tactic is only ok for a female to use if her partner is bigger/stronger and they have no history of either of them being violent or threatening with each other. The elbow or comparable physical response is intended to inflict enough pain to get someone's attention, not to do damage or cause injury.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Ducky,
> I am going to make some assumptions and then offer a culturally taboo suggestion. Assuming:
> 1. He is physically larger than you are
> 2. There is no history of real violence in either of your pasts
> ...


I definitely think there's so truth to this but it can be done verbally too.

I'm not a ogler, but I can see where it would be a reflex type response. You have to break that reflex. Each time he does something like that, just give him a little. "Hey, wife is still here" type of thing. I'm sure he'll snap out of his drooling oblivion. After a little while, he'll start to reduce the frequency and strength of the ogling.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> It can be an issue, but not always. My partner was 43 when I met him, and it sounds like his relationship history was similar to your H's, and he's the most stable man I've ever known. Slightly 'inept' about certain things (eg, the ogling) , but he's been a fast learner


Yeah, I don't think the issue here is that he'd not been in a long term committed relationship before. Especially as they've been married 7 years and she seems happy otherwise! When does the guy get a break for not marrying before? Maybe his standards were very high, he knew what he wanted, and wouldn't settle. I went many years without even dating after my exW turned my world upside down. It gave me a lot of time to reflect and think about not only what I really wanted in a relationship partner, but also how I would conduct myself and be the best man possible for her. She was worried about the lack of dating too. I can tell you she has NO worries about it now! 

As for the ogling...I'm a bit guilty of it too. And the W doesn't mind. She's very secure about those things. I can watch porn...no problem, in fact she'll watch with me. I can look at other women. No problem... in fact she may look with me!  Although, I try to be respectful and not "ogle". But sometimes it is hard! Funny story...a few weeks ago we went to the beach. She was sitting just behind me. At some point a real looker in a striking blaze orange bikini started our way, and I noticed. Apparently she noticed my head turn just enough in blaze orange bikini girls direction. She gave me a playful slap on the back of the head. I said "Hey, what the hell was that for!!!" She said "I saw you looking!" I replied "Looking at what?!!! I was dozing off!!!" She laughed and said "Oh my god, sorry!" I rubbed my head feigning pain and injury, and finally responded that "Hey, I didn't even notice the hottie in the orange binkini until about 10 seconds before you slapped by head!" That earned me a slightly harder slap! :rofl:

It was a playful reminder by her I imagine to keep the looking a little more respectful, and I agree, and took note. But I will still look. And she knows this. And she's ok with it. I tell her this often, that she "gets men" and understands us, and never uses our nature against us / me. And I freakin' love that about her. It makes me feel so incredibly lucky to have this woman. It is one of those things that ensures that while I may "window shop" from time to time, that I cannot even fathom risking hurting her or losing her to actually acting on anything, no matter the temptation. There may be prettier women out there (and she is very pretty), but they could never hold a candle to her, how she is, and how fortunate I feel to have such an understanding and incredible woman who brings so much to the relationship. That is nearly impossible to find. And I'm not losing it or letting it go! I may "look", but my heart is hers. And she knows this.


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