# How Do I Get More Foreplay?! Help!



## Frustrated26 (Aug 7, 2013)

I’m 26 and I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year. We are currently in the middle of getting our first place together, and I absolutely love and adore him. In my eyes, he is the sweetest, funniest, sexiest man I have ever met, and he really does everything to meet my emotional needs. BUT—you knew there was gonna be a “but”—the sex is somewhat lacking.

We are both HD people. I would prefer to have sex once or twice a day, and he is basically the same. So we’re good there. 

I need a lot of foreplay (like between 5 and 15 minutes of oral/manual or maybe 5 min with a vibrator) to have an orgasm. If I’m really turned on, I can sometimes O during PIV. I realize that this is all pretty normal stuff. The problem is that, I’m just not getting a stimulation to O most of the time. Typically we’ll kiss/touch for like 5 minutes and then he’ll want to have sex. Sometimes he’ll give me oral for like 2 or 3 minutes to get me wet. I’m probably having an orgasm 25% of the time, but considering that we have sex almost every day (tho declining), it has become increasingly frustrating. I’ve had one orgasm from oral the whole time we’ve been dating.

I don’t need to get off every time I have sex. But my boyfriend just goes not get it. He doesn’t understand why I can’t get off every time and it obviously hurts his ego. So…. Sometimes I fake it. I know, I know, that’s bad and not helping anyone, but I guess I don’t want to turn him off of sex with me. I’ve tried telling him that girls have different needs than guys. I’ve tried giving him more foreplay. I’ve tried tying him up and showing him how nice drawn out foreplay can be. I’ve even broken out the vibrator to help myself along, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings by using it all the time.

None of this helps. I honestly don’t even think he even cares if he gets oral before sex because it just makes him O faster. So then it’s no foreplay for me and maybe 4 or 5 minutes of sex. I’m obviously not getting much out of that. I know people will tell me that I obviously need to stop going down on him, but I WANT to do it. It gives me more time to warm up and I like doing that for him. I don’t think stopping is going to encourage him to pay more attention to me.

So my question is how to get him to give me more foreplay, and maybe even get him to help me orgasm before we have sex. I want to approach this in a way that will not hurt his feelings or make him feel like he isn’t good in bed. He’s good at what he does! He just doesn’t do it long enough. If there is a way to somehow encourage him without coming right out and saying “hey babe, I’m sick of not getting off so please give me more foreplay.” 

I feel bad because I don’t want to be too much work, but this is turning me off of sex with him. I think he kind of realizes that I’m not loving the situation (even tho I am always super enthusiastic during the act) because he is even initiating less. It shouldn’t be an attraction thing because I look the same as when we started dating, but he did try harder in the beginning or our relationship. I’ve never had this problem with other partners and I don’t want this to ruin an otherwise perfect relationship.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I wouldn't feel bad about being too much work at all. You're not, especially if your timeframes are correct...O in 5-15 minutes? That's not bad at all...

Is he generally able to get you off through oral and with fingers? Can you try getting him to help you out after PIV? 

My STBW and I have sex 10+ times per week and have been together for a year. About half the time, we get to PIV pretty quickly, other times it's pretty drawn out. Sometimes I O first, then her, then other times, it's her first. The times I go first, she knows she's going to get the next half hour or more...


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Frustrated26 said:


> I’m 26 and I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year. We are currently in the middle of getting our first place together, and I absolutely love and adore him. In my eyes, he is the sweetest, funniest, sexiest man I have ever met, and he really does everything to meet my emotional needs. BUT—you knew there was gonna be a “but”—the sex is somewhat lacking.
> 
> We are both HD people. I would prefer to have sex once or twice a day, and he is basically the same. So we’re good there.
> 
> ...


Not that you would but do not mention not having this problem with other partners to him. You are just starting out with him really, so there is a learning curve and the way to get past the curve is with open communication. First and foremost you need to stop faking it, forever and immediately. This has him thinking it is you and not him. After all if there is no pattern for him to see what is he supposed to learn and how can he learn it. If he gives you 15 minutes of foreplay and you O and the next four nights he does not do it, tell him what you need and then he will try it with longer foreplay again and see you have that O and that will begin the process of training him as to your needs. Right now you are deceiving him by faking it, you are not communicating to him, and you are expecting him to "get it" how?
It is very common for woman to fear hurting a man with the information, but then they also are upset in the relationship and the man is clueless as to why.. See a pattern here.
You sound like a nice girl and he a nice guy. Sure his ego might take a momentary hit but you two are young and have a lot to learn. First lesson you need to learn is to communicate in a productive way. Just let him know you would like more orgasms, but you are not one of the girls that has one during a quickie. Let him know what you need and it will turn him on to be able to give you what you need. you will love him all the more and he will feel all the more appreciated.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

You are going to have to pull up your big girl panties and learn how to communicate like an adult about sex with your sexual partner.

All the thougths like "don't want to hurt him", "don't want to turn him off", "faking so he won't know"...are not adult communication.

Take the hurt feelings out of your mind. Now just face the intimacy issues that are before you.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

First off, if you are faking it is likely giving him the impression that he doesn't need to do any more than he already is. So that is one thing you need to phase yourself out of. I understand why you are doing it, of course. Its just not benefiting you in the long run.

Secondly, if you are unable to level with him that you are only getting off 25% of the time perhaps you could try something like when things start up - why don't we see if we can BOTH come - and then you start touching your clitoris to clue him in.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Yep Faithful Wife has got it! Gonna have to open up and tell him what you need and want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Next time you two are contentedly snuggling on the couch, you bring the subject up by telling him how you feel about, how well matched your sex drives are and then you ask him if there are things he'd like you to do more of, or more often, or less often; things he might like to try. You spend some time listening to what he has to say and discussing things that surprise you. Hopefully, and this will tell you if your man actually cares about your needs or not, he will then ask you the same sort of questions.

Be prepared with your answers. "No love I know Ive mislead you but I didn't want to hurt you. I don't orgasm as frequently as I could because I really need lots more foreplay. I would really like for you to spend more time playing with...insert body parts here... I am very sensitive and with a little more time spent here ...

OR

Next time you are having sex, he has been touching you the way you like, and he goes on to the next stage...don't allow him to pull away. Grab his hand and put it right back to where it was. Manipulate his hand to do what you want it to do. Mr pink actually loves when I manipulate his hand to make it do what I want, as hard or as fast. 

Also, don't forget that most men LOVE to have verbal feedback in the moment. Yes right there, keep doing that, faster... Most men really respond to that. They can't read our minds and until they have been with a woman for a long time, they actually really suck at reading body language, women are generally much better at that.

OR

You could "play challenge" him and say no PIV until I come 3 time bust so get busy!

The bottom line is you can't assume he knows what to do or that he has has chosen NOT to do. The safest bet is to assume he thinks he is pleasing you, particularly since you've sent him those exact signals, so he keeps doing what he assumes works for you.

Next time you go down on him, look up at him and say, "tell me exactly what you want me to do and I'll do it." if he says, "do what you always do...." shake your head and say "nope, tell me exactly what you want." This will get his mind in the game of verbal direction as a part of sex play.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Stop faking.

Ask for what you want. Directly.

I want you to....

I love it when you....


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

How's this for an idea?

You bf has the bedroom dimly lit, scented candles, flowers and relaxing music.

He gets you naked and uses a feather on you and then oil massages you.

He then gives you oral and with a small vibrator at the same time. No rush, you will orgasm.

Then you guys have sex and he can have his orgasm.

No time limit. Sometimes 5 minutes and sometimes 20 minutes for you.

You have to tell him what your fantasies are and what drives you wild. He can't guess or read your mind.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Tell him to read the book "great sex" by Michael Castleman. It is amazing. It basically instructs men on how to have sensual sex that is beneficial for both of you. A lot of men learn about sex from porn. So a 5 minute romp is what they think is normal. We women tend to need up to 30 minutes of foreplay to feel turned on. Don't get me wrong, a 5 minute romp can be fun too!

This book has changed my sex life


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

If I told my SO I needed more foreplay and he didn't give a damn, he wouldn't continue being my SO. I sure wouldn't be faking to avoid hurting his ego!

It sounds like your bf needs an education on women, sex, and orgasms. I've copied this quote from another thread that might give you some useful reading material for him.

Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/102337-just-how-important-your-wifes-orgasm-you-man.html



SimplyAmorous said:


> So appreciate all your responses on this thread ... Overwhelmingly - this is important to men.... So important it can cause issues when the female orgasm is elusive...
> 
> If anyone may be interested...thought I'd list a variety of books on the Big "O" *>>*
> 
> ...


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