# I need a guys input.......



## PeasNCarrots (Apr 5, 2010)

Ok, most of those who post to threads have at least seen my name and have probably seen all my dirty laundry... lol so I wont go into a long, drawn out history.....

Suffice to say that my SO and myself have actually been making improvements in our relationship, mostly due to what I take from reading the posts here and try to apply them to our situation so thank you one and all!!!!

On to my questions, and I do have to supply a little background here.

My SO and I went 15 months with no sex what-so-ever! NONE! Not even kissing beyond the basic peck. The sex we were having prior to the last time was not the best quality either. We went from having amazing sex at least 2x a day to nothing in a matter of about a year and a half. 

When we met we were both slightly overweight (I was dieting) but it didnt seem to matter to him and Im not one to make something like a few pounds a deal breaker. We have both gained a few more pounds since we got together and again, its not a deal breaker for me but Im wondering about for him...

When the sex started dropping off Ill admit I was upset (Im the high sex drive) I mentioned how it seemed like he was just getting his and I was left high & dry... but didnt really throw a fit about it.

When the sex finally stopped completely I was hurt, confused, all the normal self esteem issues that come along with it. I was almost POSITIVE he wasnt cheating. Hard to find the time to cheat when starting a business, plus I had full access to his email at any time and nothing there. No other signs either.

We had a discussion about our sex life. It was like pulling teeth with him. But finally he told me he just didnt seem to have any sex drive, he didnt understand it but that was what it was. He would not discuss it further. I can understand this, its an ego thing, so I didnt push the issue. Would just kind of make suggestive remarks once in a while to see what he would say or do.... most of the time just kind of chuckle and thats it.

A couple of weeks ago, while fighting and trying to work through some of the other issues we have, that I have posted about here, we talked about how we need to work on our sex life. We both agreed that we just didnt seem to be able to find time and when we did he was too tired or had too much on his mind.... (eyeroll). He said "Maybe we need to just lock ourselves in the bedroom and have sex all day". Sounded like a positive sign to me.... A few days later I found a girls phone number on a scrap of paper, neatly folded (he crams paper into his pocket), so I asked him who "K" was..... he said it was a bartender where we hang out sometimes that was looking for PT work. I knew he was telling the truth as to who she was, I didnt quite believe him about why he had the number but he said he would take me to talk to her so I let it go..... Then right after I found the phone number I discovered that he had been watching porn, from day one he said he didnt have alot of interest in watching porn and I never really found anything in his computer to tell me different until now..... the phone number was the straw that broke the camels back and I flipped out and confronted him on both items.... Porn is not an issue for me, Im not a huge fan but Im not against it. What I do have a hard time with is a man that says he has no sex drive, doesnt have sex with me, but is suddenly watching porn. Talk about making me feel like a piece of dirt under his shoe!

LOL now that that is out of the way...... Wednesday night we went out, both got drunk, well drunk enough to loosen us up a bit, came home and FINALLY after 15 mos had sex, and it was great, not as good as it was in the begining and still a little selfish on his part but better than the last time we had sex.

I asked him to not make me wait another 15 mos for sex again and he says "Has it really been that long?" For real? :scratchhead:

So my questions for the guys now......
1. Is it really possible he didnt realize it had been that long?
2. Now that the dry spell is over how do I approach sex? I still want it 3x a day! Do I sit back and see where he takes it? (I will admit im afraid he will just ignore it and not initiate) or do I push a little harder?
3. Do I give it a week or so and then approach him? Do I approach him right away?

I dont want to push him away but at the same time we seemed to really connect the other night and im starving for sex with him and that connection again.

HELP!!!!!!!


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Coming to grips with the intimate side of your life is important for a variety of reasons. It's for your relationship, but also for your health, and his. It's quite possible he didn't realize how much time had past, but I'm sure he knew it was a long time. Keep pursuing sex with him. You don't have to "push" it, but keep it on the front burner. Why wait a week? A healthy sex life would be sex three or four times a week. 

As far as "time" for sex, people always make time for what's most important to them - always. That is not a valid reason to not have sex.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

I have read a lot of posts here, and was almost convinced it was possible for a man not to want sex 4 times a day. ALMOST. But now way. Men are wired for sex. I'll bet in every case they are getting off to SOMETHING. In your hubby's case, porn (that's usually the one). In others it's 20 year old Asian hookers. In others it's an affair

But I digress. You want a man's opinion? He's into sex, just not with you. Sorry. And I did NOT say that to be mean. I just don't get a low male libido.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

* Men are wired for sex.* 

My Dear, Men are wired for a lot of things...

We are also wired for violence, but does he beat you? No, that's because there isn't the proper stimuli to trigger that response. 

You said you are both overweight. I believe this is significant for two reasons. One because we are very visual creatures, and just like with food the sexual appetite is partially with the eyes. He simply may be seeking out more "desirable" bodies to lust after. That might explain his viewing of porn, or you concerns about infidelity.

However, a visual media is never a valid or healthy substitute for a living, caring, willing partner. He knows this as well as you do, so I'd expect that this isn't the complete answer to the problem. As for cheating, you know him well. What does your gut tell you?

Reason two, and more importantly because he is in fact overweight. I'm not in the mood to have office hours this morning, but please investigate the effect of excess body fat on levels of blood testosterone, and its subsequent conversions. It's really quite revealing. 

The normal level of testosterone in your bloodstream is between 350 and 1,000 nanograms per deciliter (ng/dl). There are certain things that you can do through diet, sleep, and exercise to positively change these levels. Some factors such as age merely have to be accepted or compensated for via the above. "A good canary in his coal mine" is the presence of "morning wood". I'm sure he'd be delighted if you checked. 

Anyway, what I'm saying is if you love this guy and he seems to love you, but he doesn't want to make love to you; he may have health issue. Please bring him into the "shop" to have a once over by his primary. If nothing shows up there and you have the resources have him visit a nutritionist, and set up some appointments with a trainer so he can learn how to exercise. Health is always money well spent. 

LIL


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## PeasNCarrots (Apr 5, 2010)

Happy- Thank you! Your response is exactly what I was asking for.

Cody- A little harsh? I agree with the idea of not believing the excuse of low male sex drive but geezzzzzz did you have to cut me down after clearly stating that this issue has already brought my self confidence crashing down?

LIL- Thank you also! I recently bought a treadmill and we both have been using it, so I think were on our way there. Visual creatures or not..... Im not that much heavier than I was when we got together, still wear most of the same clothes. I have begged him to tell me if my weight was the issue, I try to talk to him about our diet, etc to show that I am receptive to his input, he tells me its not me, for whatever thats worth.......

Any others out there that may have a direction for me?


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

PNC, you missed the major point of my previous post. I think it's really great that you look pretty much the same as when you two met. That being said though, if he is overweight very "nasty" biochemical changes can occur that will simply neuter his sex drive. What I am saying is it's likely more "him" than "you".

I have know idea how old you two are, but judging from your writing I would guess relatively young...say early 20's. I can not imagine going 15 months without sex. The longest we ever went was 5 months, and that was only because I was forward deployed. However, when I returned we were already "hitting it" in the car on the way home. By the end of the weekend the poor Dear could hardly walk.

Healthy males do not and dare I say cannot go 15 months without sex if their partner is readily available. *What I am saying is the problem is most definitely with him.* There, I put it in bold for effect in case you missed it in the last paragraph.

Get him checked out. Because you're a couple I included you as a part of it, but if he's reporting no sex drive that's a huge issue. Is he on meds? If so which ones? Bring every thing to his Dr., and get this guy a once over. 

Make sure he's getting adequate sleep, exercise, decent nutrition, and for God's sake avoid Atkins. It will "F" you up in this regard. Don't believe me people. What the h*ll do I know. Look it up for yourself and LEARN. 

Yes I know not all fat is bad, and certain fats, like those found in peanuts are actually good for production of testosterone, but there may be reasons for him to avoid a high protein diet. Once again though it's Saturday, and I've just finished a long 3 hour Jujitsu practice. I am not in the mood for office hours. 

Anyway, good luck with this PNC. 

LIL


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Agree 110 percent with the post below. ALSO make sure he is not masturbating/with or without porn. That is like cheating on you - having sex with himself instead of you - totally wrong if he is doing that. 




lastinline said:


> PNC, you missed the major point of my previous post. I think it's really great that you look pretty much the same as when you two met. That being said though, if he is overweight very "nasty" biochemical changes can occur that will simply neuter his sex drive. What I am saying is it's likely more "him" than "you".
> 
> I have know idea how old you two are, but judging from your writing I would guess relatively young...say early 20's. I can not imagine going 15 months without sex. The longest we ever went was 5 months, and that was only because I was forward deployed. However, when I returned we were already "hitting it" in the car on the way home. By the end of the weekend the poor Dear could hardly walk.
> 
> ...


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