# Shaking, devastated and completely broken



## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

I'm not sure what I am expecting by posting the discovery I made this morning. I went to my old house where I use to live with my husband to drop things off for the children. There was a black car parked on the grass and the air conditioning was running in his bedroom. He had already gone to work and I usually drop the kids stuff off for them when they are spending the week at his. I knocked on windows and doors so I could put a face to the slag but she ignored me, or she was too scared. My intention was to expose the cheating liar of a man that I married. 

Our divorce will not be final for a few more weeks and apparently it's my fault that I discovered this because I didn't sign the papers sooner. I've known for only a few short weeks that the H had someone else but I didn't have any evidence. Today was the day it became very real. As I walked around it felt like I couldn't breathe, that I had the strength to break windows and doors rather effortlessly. 

Please, I need some help. I am tired of loving and hurting a man that deserves no such thing. Please don't come along and say 'well you're separated' etc...it's not the point!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Knowing this should hasten your detachment from him. 

Just let go, hon. Just move on.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Hey, its completely natural to be pissed when you realize the person that vowed to be your partner and protector for life is a lying, cheating, scoundrel.

No one deserves that crap. He's a slinking snake, whoever this bimbo may be she's likely little better. 

Time will tell. You've got the good stuff, you'll manage.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Phuck him!
You should be out there get yours and stop giving a shyt what your ex old man is getting.
It's time to start living for you and not through someone else.


Does your ex old man really need that kind of energy spent on his lame @ss?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

So sorry u had to see that! 😢


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

Forest said:


> Hey, its completely natural to be pissed when you realize the person that vowed to be your partner and protector for life is a lying, cheating, scoundrel.
> 
> No one deserves that crap. He's a slinking snake, whoever this bimbo may be she's likely little better.
> 
> Time will tell. You've got the good stuff, you'll manage.


To be honest, I feel like walking in front of a bus! I am trying to HATE this man!


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

jld said:


> Knowing this should hasten your detachment from him.
> 
> Just let go, hon. Just move on.


I am in shock and disbelief. So nauseous I can't even eat or drink :crying:


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Threeblessings said:


> I am in shock and disbelief. So nauseous I can't even eat or drink :crying:


I am so sorry, sweetheart.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Threeblessings said:


> To be honest, I feel like walking in front of a bus! I am trying to HATE this man!


That's the good news. No need for you to walk in front of the bus, this schomozo will do it first. 

Has he not had all the opportunities to be a good husband and father? How has he come thru? 

How have you come thru in the same situation?

Let he who is deficient walk in front of the bus. The world needs achievers, not losers.


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## truster (Jul 23, 2015)

It's an understandable feeling. You're past wanting them on a rational level, but having their being with someone else pushed in your face still hurts emotionally. You know finding some random bang buddy is no big accomplishment, and kinda sad, but still.. it gets at you a bit.

The only advice I can give is.. this is one of those times where the rational mind and the emotional mind is out of sync, and you have to do your best to let the rational mind lead. Don't bother bringing it up, and dragging it out.. just get *yourself* to a place where you're so happy with your life that your emotional self can't care anymore.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Threeblessings said:


> I am in shock and disbelief. So nauseous I can't even eat or drink :crying:


Please stop going to his place. Send the stuff with the kids, or with someone that can do this for you. No one is going to relieve Your Emotional pain but YOU.

If there is no one to help you, then rent a storage unit near his place and take the stuff there.

Don't damage private property. No breaking Windows or doors. Go home and punch pillows instead.

Bibi


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

truster said:


> It's an understandable feeling. You're past wanting them on a rational level, but having their being with someone else pushed in your face still hurts emotionally. You know finding some random bang buddy is no big accomplishment, and kinda sad, but still.. it gets at you a bit.
> 
> The only advice I can give is.. this is one of those times where the rational mind and the emotional mind is out of sync, and you have to do your best to let the rational mind lead. Don't bother bringing it up, and dragging it out.. just get *yourself* to a place where you're so happy with your life that your emotional self can't care anymore.


Thank you. I would love to get to a peaceful place again.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Threeblessings said:


> I'm not sure what I am expecting by posting the discovery I made this morning. I went to my old house where I use to live with my husband to drop things off for the children. There was a black car parked on the grass and the air conditioning was running in his bedroom. He had already gone to work and I usually drop the kids stuff off for them when they are spending the week at his. I knocked on windows and doors so I could put a face to the slag but she ignored me, or she was too scared. My intention was to expose the cheating liar of a man that I married.
> 
> Our divorce will not be final for a few more weeks and apparently it's my fault that I discovered this because I didn't sign the papers sooner. I've known for only a few short weeks that the H had someone else but I didn't have any evidence. Today was the day it became very real. As I walked around it felt like I couldn't breathe, that I had the strength to break windows and doors rather effortlessly.
> 
> Please, I need some help. I am tired of loving and hurting a man that deserves no such thing. Please don't come along and say 'well you're separated' etc...it's not the point!


You are right, of course that's not the point.

He hurt you and continues to hurt you.

We'll be here for you, so share your justifiable rage with us.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Threeblessings said:


> To be honest, I feel like walking in front of a bus! I am trying to HATE this man!


Yep. It gets you that way.

When my wife cheated on me I wished I had died.

Don't try to hate him. Go for indifference, instead.

Take his power away.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

OK the bright side. In a few short weeks you'll be rid of him. Then it's the slags turn to put up with him so in the long run you'll get the last laugh. Next thing you know she'll be the one jumping in front of the bus.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Threeblessings said:


> To be honest, I feel like walking in front of a bus! I am trying to HATE this man!


You're worth being respected. This shows his flaws and that he's not ready to treat someone right.

The first reply nailed it.


jld said:


> Knowing this should hasten your detachment from him.
> 
> Just let go, hon. Just move on.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

If you haven't already.... SIGN THE DAMN DIVORCE PAPERS.

You need to go maximum NO CONTACT on this person for your own sanity.

Do not visit him if you can do it by phone.

Do not call him if you can do it by email.

The only reason you should EVER contact him is logistics for the kids.

Other than that, HE IS DEAD TO YOU and start taking care of yourself.

Start to distract yourself with LIFE. There's a whole world around you.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Threeblessings

I am not familiar with your story, I have read your posts in this thread. When my wife admitted to her affair I too was shaking, devastated, and completely broken. I chose to reconcile, I am 22 months past d-day, and we are doing good. However, at the start of reconciling I thought I made a mistake, I thought that maybe I should divorce. My biggest reason, how do you reconcile with the person who betrayed you so brutally? How do you look at their face every day? How do you show love towards that person? How do you be vulnerable with that person? 

These questions all passed through my head. Sure, I still loved my wife after she cheated, but it was a different love. This has been difficult in many ways, and reconciliation is very difficult to go through. So much changes, challenges at every turn, and after all that you do it may still end in divorce. 

Sometimes, even though you hate someone, you still love them. I was that way for three months after d-day, and that pain is intense. The best thing is, you control yourself, you control detaching from him. You also control your contact with him. Is there a way you can avoid him when taking things for your child? 

So sorry you have to go through this, I hope you find peace and happiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tango in Triple Time (Jul 14, 2015)

Threeblessings said:


> To be honest, I feel like walking in front of a bus! I am trying to HATE this man!


Stop trying to hate him, and love yourself instead. I don't know how you get there other than time. When you have no feelings for him at all, that's when you know you are over him. What a happy day that will be!

Your emotions are still tied up if you hate him. Don't give him that power.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Threeblessings

When I had my d-day many emotions and feelings came flooding in. I was overwhelmed and forming a lucid thought wasn't possible. I had read on TAM to not make a big decision when your emotions are so volatile. I waited six months before I committed to reconciliation. During that time my wife's betrayal made it somewhat easy to be distant. Don't mistake that, I was distant and not detached. That is a whole different animal to wrestle with. 

The reason I didn't detach was because my wife was remorseful and regretful and her actions clearly showed she wanted me. She wanted our marriage, as I did later, but the marriage was murdered. Detaching would have been very difficult to do, but possible. I remember her betrayal on my mind all day, and night. I couldn't escape what she had done. That made it easy to be distant, and I guess to a certain degree I did detach. I don't think it's possible to not detach in some way. 

So my advice is to think towards the future, to what you deserve from a spouse. Take all the time you need to heal, to better yourself, to be a stronger you. All you can do is fix yourself, control yourself, and refuse to give anyone power over you. You are worth far more then that. Allow yourself to meet the spouse who will love and cherish you the way you should be. Let nobody reside in your head rent free, always kick them out. 

I wish you the best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Threeblessings said:


> I am in shock and disbelief. So nauseous I can't even eat or drink :crying:


Those emotions are there to ensure you pick better next time. They aren't there to hurt you, just help you protect yourself in the future! 

DUDE


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> Those emotions are there to ensure you pick better next time. They aren't there to hurt you, just help you protect yourself in the future!
> 
> DUDE


Thank you. I am trying my best to move on. Everywhere I look there is evidence of cheating. Nearly 1 week later and I am still nauseous. Looked at myself in the mirror today and this whole ordeal has caused weight loss of all things!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Tango in Triple Time said:


> Stop trying to hate him, and love yourself instead. I don't know how you get there other than time. When you have no feelings for him at all, that's when you know you are over him. What a happy day that will be!
> 
> Your emotions are still tied up if you hate him. Don't give him that power.


Yes, this is very true. I know it's not as big of a deal as what you're going through but one of the ways I knew I was done with my ex was when he left his wedding album from his first marriage out so I could see it, just to be an ahole. In the past that would've really bothered me because we had gotten married at the courthouse, which had always bothered me. We were in the military and had to do it that way, but I'd wanted a wedding. Just a small one, but one with our friends and family and pictures, and he was always kind of an arse when it would come up. One of his issues is that he really lacks compassion for anyone else.

But this time I saw it and felt nothing because I was completely detached from his. He could've be fvcking someone else and I would not have cared.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Threeblessings
> 
> When I had my d-day many emotions and feelings came flooding in. I was overwhelmed and forming a lucid thought wasn't possible. I had read on TAM to not make a big decision when your emotions are so volatile. I waited six months before I committed to reconciliation. During that time my wife's betrayal made it somewhat easy to be distant. Don't mistake that, I was distant and not detached. That is a whole different animal to wrestle with.
> 
> ...




Thank you. Your last paragraph is exactly where I want to be. Home from a week away and I have reached the point that I don't even want to share the same cloud space with the man. I guess it hurt because he moved on so quickly and that the I wasn't worth the truth at any time. I have no idea going forward whether I would consider another relationship, if I did happen it would be tarnished with trust issues. Thinking about the karma bus keeps me going.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Threeblessings said:


> Thank you. Your last paragraph is exactly where I want to be. Home from a week away and I have reached the point that I don't even want to share the same cloud space with the man. I guess it hurt because he moved on so quickly and that the I wasn't worth the truth at any time. I have no idea going forward whether I would consider another relationship, if I did happen it would be tarnished with trust issues. Thinking about the karma bus keeps me going.


It hurts when it feels like you were so easily replaceable, I know. . But, the truth is, he just can't bear to be alone with himself because then he'll have to face who he truly is. You're the healthier and more desirable one because you CAN enjoy your own company....or you will be able to soon <3. You'll make a great partner someday for someone else .


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Threeblessings said:


> Thank you. Your last paragraph is exactly where I want to be. Home from a week away and I have reached the point that I don't even want to share the same cloud space with the man. I guess it hurt because he moved on so quickly and that the I wasn't worth the truth at any time. I have no idea going forward whether I would consider another relationship, if I did happen it would be tarnished with trust issues. Thinking about the karma bus keeps me going.




Threeblessings,

You deserved the truth, but your spouse was far to week to self reflect to give that to you. I would consider your spouse to be shallow, a person not worthy of your love or talents. You will find this to be true when you meet the right person. You will know when you meet them what it is like to be respected and loved in ways you never imagined. The next relationship won't be tarnished at all, that will be a more true love then you had before. Best of luck to you, you will find that person you deserve.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Threeblessings,
> 
> You deserved the truth, but your spouse was far to week to self reflect to give that to you. I would consider your spouse to be shallow, a person not worthy of your love or talents. You will find this to be true when you meet the right person. You will know when you meet them what it is like to be respected and loved in ways you never imagined. The next relationship won't be tarnished at all, that will be a more true love then you had before. Best of luck to you, you will find that person you deserve.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you for your sweet message. I don't want to die lonely, and when the time is right I would love to meet someone exactly as you describe. Strangely enough I have noticed that I don't really care about him anymore. I really did love this man and as the saying goes never run back to what broke you. For now, sharing the same cloud space is a challenge and with faith I will move on. Thanks for caring .


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Threeblessings said:


> Thank you for your sweet message. I don't want to die lonely, and when the time is right I would love to meet someone exactly as you describe. Strangely enough I have noticed that I don't really care about him anymore. I really did love this man and as the saying goes never run back to what broke you. For now, sharing the same cloud space is a challenge and with faith I will move on. Thanks for caring .




Some people say that the person of your dreams enters your life when you aren't looking. From your posts here you seem like a great person, and I think when you are ready you will find that someone special. Your spouse wasn't worthy of the love you gave, as he didn't or couldn't return that same love to you. Stay strong, you will one day come to indifference.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

There are many ramifications of choosing to get divorced, one of them is your H moving on with a new lady. Sounds like you were not ready for the inevitable.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

MAJDEATH said:


> There are many ramifications of choosing to get divorced, one of them is your H moving on with a new lady. Sounds like you were not ready for the inevitable.


Exactly, he did this in such a hurtful way. It was made worse when he told me he hated me and that I was not ever worth the truth. Seems there will always be challenges in my life. He has now stopped paying child support. Financially I will not cope and he's only done it out of spite. There is no issue with his job or anything else for that matter. It's a bitter choice he made. He has been reminded to pay it but ignored the request. The Child Support Agency in my country have a procedure to follow. They will only be able to have the money deducted from his salary after a series of phone calls and letters. I don't know why anyone would choose to have child support taken out of their wages, it's embarrassing and it looks like he doesn't want to contribute towards his children! Well that turned into a vent didn't it!


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Tango in Triple Time said:


> Stop trying to hate him, and love yourself instead. I don't know how you get there other than time. When you have no feelings for him at all, that's when you know you are over him. What a happy day that will be!
> 
> Your emotions are still tied up if you hate him. Don't give him that power.


This is the best advice you will ever get. Learning to love yourself and recognizing your value and all of the good you deserve will lead to you not caring about what happens to him. 

It's not always easy, but focus on you and I promise that you WILL get there!


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Oh geez, I am sorry. Even though you are divorcing, this still sucks. I agree with the others who say, focus on yourself and forget about him.


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