# Can I afford this? Really need to get out



## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

I make a 100K a year, have two high school age kids, married > 15 years and my wife doesn't work. The mortgage+escrow on our house is $1500/mo. I am struggling to see how to survive on half my salary in this area. Rents are around 1500$/mo. around here. If I get 50% custody, is it possible to afford a rental and expenses for three?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

dedad said:


> I make a 100K a year, have two high school age kids, married > 15 years and my wife doesn't work. The mortgage+escrow on our house is $1500/mo. I am struggling to see how to survive on half my salary in this area. Rents are around 1500$/mo. around here. If I get 50% custody, is it possible to afford a rental and expenses for three?


Can you move to a different area? I mean if you can't afford the area on half your salary, your wife won't be able to afford it without a job. Maybe you two can agree to move to a less expensive area?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You need to persuade your wife to get a job pronto. After 20 years in your state, you may be stuck with permanent alimony. With kids in high school, there is no reason for her not to work. Time to get crackin'.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Lila said:


> Can you move to a different area? I mean if you can't afford the area on half your salary, your wife won't be able to afford it without a job. Maybe you two can agree to move to a less expensive area?


Divorce is not only separating bodies, it is separating assets. 

Life is hard, divorce adds to the pain.

Brace yourself for pain, take a hard look at your budget.

Budge it as far as you can by tightening your belt, and by loosening the noose around your neck.

You cannot take money with you....yes, true.

More important...you cannot regain years lost to a failed marriage.

Life outweighs money, every stinkin' time!

A life lived well is priceless, though, never cheap.





[THM]- The Typist I


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## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

Thank you for the comments. Have any of you been in this situation? Having to get by on half your salary? How was your experience?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

dedad said:


> I make a 100K a year, have two high school age kids, married > 15 years and my wife doesn't work. The mortgage+escrow on our house is $1500/mo. I am struggling to see how to survive on half my salary in this area. Rents are around 1500$/mo. around here. If I get 50% custody, is it possible to afford a rental and expenses for three?


You learn to love ramen noodles.....

The reality is neither party will be able to maintain the "lifestyle" they had. Child support you can't do much about. Do you have much equity in the house or investments? You may be able to use those as bargain chips. Walk away from the equity in house in exchange for no alimony as example.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

We were on a strict budget for 3 years in order to pay off $30K simultaneousy with 1/4-1/3 pay cut. It can be done, and can actually be fun. One thing we did is we bought a few legumes (beans) and rice cookbooks. There are many delicious ways to combine them in order to get the necessary ingredients for protein. Many cultures eat them as a staple, and they are cheap and healthy, especially when combined and with the right spices.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Do some research. Read up online about what to expect as far as alimony and child support. Even if you go 50/50 custody, if she makes alot less than you, you may have to pay some child support. Do the math. You may not have to give up 1/2 your income. It depends on your state. There are online calculators so you can at least get an idea of what you may be looking at. 

Consider looking for 2 bedrooms. The girls can share...especially if you give them the master bedroom/bath! 

Sell the house?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long before your kids are 18 years old?

Do whatever you can to get your wife working so that when/if you file for divorce she has an income. There is no reason that a mother of high school kids should be staying home anyway.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Araucaria said:


> We were on a strict budget for 3 years in order to pay off $30K simultaneousy with 1/4-1/3 pay cut. It can be done, and can actually be fun. One thing we did is we bought a few legumes (beans) and rice cookbooks. There are many delicious ways to combine them in order to get the necessary ingredients for protein. Many cultures eat them as a staple, and they are cheap and healthy, especially *when combined and with the right spices*.


The right spices, yes those.

Some of those spices are not found in stores, they are found on (or within) the love of your 'new life'.

Protein based spices savored, some.
Cerebral flavored, favored, some.

Some with a known pungent scent, some sent verbally from your 'new' best friend.

While the future is uncertain, it often smells nice from afar; smells better when faced head on, with lips puckered, then mashed against another's.

Budget not the free love, eat legumes, pass the time while saving cash, ignoring the spent gas.





[THM]- The Typist I


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Think the question you should be asking is if you can afford NOT TO.

Good luck, stay strong


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

One big positive to your advantage is you will have the ability to manage your money as necessary, no more surprise expenses by a spouse. In my marriage a budget was a fantasy because of who I was married to. As expensive as the divorce and spousal support was I was still able to recover nicely. It took a few years and conscious financial discipline but we'll worth it in the end.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You will obviously have to make adjustments, and as others mentioned, find out what to expect re child support and alimony. I've been pretty damn close to dirt poor on my own but I make it, and if I can, you sure as hell can!


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I have two sources of income. The first and primary is a very well paying job. One I don't really enjoy, but I am well compensated for what I do, so I stick with it. The second is a much more modest pension from my 22 years in the Air Force. 

I have recently actually run through the mental math of calculating not only how these incomes could run two households, but whether or nto I could get by on just half of my military retirement (scrapping the lucrative job altogether). 

Yes, it could be done. I wouldn't be able to take my bike to exotic locales whenever I want, but I could get by with a roof over my head and quality food on my table every day. All the other stuff is just fluff. 

Now, one significant difference between me and you is I have no mortgage on the family home. It's been paid off for years. That opens up the option panel a bit. But even if there was no family home to be leveraged, I could still make it work. We also have a lot of investments (but also two kids still in college)

It all really boils down to just how important the elements of your current lifestyle are to you. If you have expensive habits, splitting the home could put an end to that. So are the things you like to do worth giving up in exchange for gaining your freedom? An obvious question and an easy one to ask, but admittedly much more difficult to answer for most people.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Start following Dave Ramsey and you'll be able to afford anything.


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

I think you can make it work. And the kids will graduate fairly soon and then you can get your feet back under you. I lost 100% of my 401k in my divorce and I set a plan at age 42.... I spent the next 20 years saving $125K, dumped it into an annuity and when I retire I have my $2,800 SS + $950 annuity per month. I can make it on that easy. Do what you can to cut all expenses- car payment..., learn to cook and make your own food, take cheaper vacations (camping...)......... it can be done.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

If the kids are looking at college, why not suggest to your wife that she get a job to help save for their college tuitions?

Her getting a job should lower alimony


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

dedad said:


> I make a 100K a year, have two high school age kids, married > 15 years and my wife doesn't work. The mortgage+escrow on our house is $1500/mo. I am struggling to see how to survive on half my salary in this area. Rents are around 1500$/mo. around here. If I get 50% custody, is it possible to afford a rental and expenses for three?


And the need for a divorce is 100% certain? No wriggle room?


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## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts. 

There is always wiggle room, MattMatt. I can always live out this life with the way things are and not hope for anything better.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

dedad said:


> I can always live out this life with the way things are and look for better


But do you see a way to turn this around where you are living out this life and happy to be doing it? What kind of problems are there in the marriage? Are you willing to make changes to have a happier marriage? *Is your wife*?


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

dedad said:


> Thank you for the comments. Have any of you been in this situation? Having to get by on half your salary? How was your experience?


Not with kids, no. But I did go from over $100k to just over $40k at one point. I lived in a one bedroom apartment, drove a 10 yo Honda Civic, and seldom went out to eat. I survived.

You need to figure out likely child support based on different custody scenarios. All you need for yourself may be a hotel room, an internet connection and a car. If you have kids you will need more.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

dedad said:


> Thank you for the comments. Have any of you been in this situation? Having to get by on half your salary? How was your experience?


Have you spoken to an attorney about what alimony and child support will be?


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## JL39775 (Apr 28, 2017)

dedad said:


> I make a 100K a year, have two high school age kids, married > 15 years and my wife doesn't work. The mortgage+escrow on our house is $1500/mo. I am struggling to see how to survive on half my salary in this area. Rents are around 1500$/mo. around here. If I get 50% custody, is it possible to afford a rental and expenses for three?




I’m in the same situation as the OP. I’ve know for a few years that I do not want to live in a bad marriage for the rest of my life and started to plan. A couple of years ago I stared plan my exit plan. I first fired my wife from paying bills because some bills were two months late and our credit card debt was around $40,000. Over the last two years I reduced my debt and reduce my monthly expenses. I now have a lot more disposable income as a result. My attorney will file my divorce and have my wife served mid August and I’m preparing to move out around the same time. I’m doing the math and I know I will not have the same lifestyle maintaining two households. I rather be poor on a tight budget during the divorce process then suffer in purgatory with a better lifestyle. Once I’m divorced, I’m sure I will recover quickly and so will the OP with his income. I’m ready to get my life back and be myself. Good luck to the OP. I feel your pain.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SunWhiskey (May 21, 2019)

Some quick basic math. If you went from 100k to 50k a year at $18,000 a year in home expenses, you'd still have 32k for everything else. 32k for everything else is exactly where I fall at after my mortgage expenses for the year.

The reality is, you won't even be dropping to 50k a year from a 100k. It's a gross overestimation. You may have to cut some expenses. Drop any car payments you have or unnecessary bills and you will be more than fine. 

You'll only be paying child support for a couple years. You could let any equity in your home and let your wife claim the children on taxes the next couple of years to cover alimony.


Yeah, it will cost you. It is certainly doable and you won't even really suffer. You will just adapt.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@dedad

Does your wife realize that her standard of living will be dropping by 50% as well? You need to have a serious conversation with her about her getting a job.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

GoingPostal said:


> I’m in the same situation as the OP. I’ve know for a few years that I do not want to live in a bad marriage for the rest of my life and started to plan. A couple of years ago I stared plan my exit plan. I first fired my wife from paying bills because some bills were two months late and our credit card debt was around $40,000. Over the last two years I reduced my debt and reduce my monthly expenses. I now have a lot more disposable income as a result. My attorney will file my divorce and have my wife served mid August and I’m preparing to move out around the same time. I’m doing the math and I know I will not have the same lifestyle maintaining two households. I rather be poor on a tight budget during the divorce process then suffer in purgatory with a better lifestyle. Once I’m divorced, I’m sure I will recover quickly and so will the OP with his income. I’m ready to get my life back and be myself. Good luck to the OP. I feel your pain.


Good for you! 

What good is more money and a comfortable lifestyle if you are emotionally miserable? Money is needed to cover our basic needs, obviously, so I understand how women in some countries are willing to be prostitutes or people will suffer bad marriages -- SURVIVAL and SECURITY are first. But once that is established, what is the rest of the money for? HAPPINESS -- doing things, having things, etc. 

You can be twice as happy with half the money as long as your basic needs are covered. If you are in a toxic relationship, the surplus money is not going to make you less miserable.

I just divorced and money is extremely tight but I'm cut my expenses by 2/3 by downsizing and I'm happier than ever -- I actually looked at the money the divorce cost me as "buying" happiness. *Money well spent.*


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

Why are you wanting to divorce?


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## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

WorkingWife said:


> But do you see a way to turn this around where you are living out this life and happy to be doing it? What kind of problems are there in the marriage? Are you willing to make changes to have a happier marriage? *Is your wife*?


I really don't. I don't see any intention or interest from my wife to work on the marriage and work towards a balance where both can live reasonably fulfilled lives.


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## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Have you spoken to an attorney about what alimony and child support will be?


Not yet, EleGirl. I don't know specifically what it will be for me. That is next on my list. I just wanted to start off by building some general knowledge from others who have tackled this situation before.


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## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

JL39775 said:


> I’m in the same situation as the OP. I’ve know for a few years that I do not want to live in a bad marriage for the rest of my life and started to plan. A couple of years ago I stared plan my exit plan. I first fired my wife from paying bills because some bills were two months late and our credit card debt was around $40,000. Over the last two years I reduced my debt and reduce my monthly expenses. I now have a lot more disposable income as a result. My attorney will file my divorce and have my wife served mid August and I’m preparing to move out around the same time. I’m doing the math and I know I will not have the same lifestyle maintaining two households. I rather be poor on a tight budget during the divorce process then suffer in purgatory with a better lifestyle. Once I’m divorced, I’m sure I will recover quickly and so will the OP with his income. I’m ready to get my life back and be myself. Good luck to the OP. I feel your pain.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


JL39775 - How did your next steps go? It looks like you were going to pull the trigger mid-august.


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## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

oldtruck said:


> Why are you wanting to divorce?


oldtruck - I have worked hard all my life to try and build a life that I wanted for myself (don't we all?). Now I find myself stuck in this relationship where I am just a beast of burden. There is no intimacy, affection, caring or support in this relationship. Actually, that is not true. It is all one-sided - from me. No reciprocation. These things are important to me and what I wanted all my life. I am just waking up. I was asking myself if I should live out my life like this and forget about the life I dreamed about or should I take a chance and try to seek a fuller life with someone that meets me halfway? Someone that cares for and cherishes me as much as i do for that person


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