# What the minimal amount of sex a year between the couple to be considered a "dead" bedroom?



## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

Is it zero? Or 12? What amount?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Think it is considered 10 times or less in a calender year


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

Zero. I think the question you are trying to answer is the MAXIMAL amount of sex and it still be considered a dead bedroom.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

According to this article a dead bedroom is defined as less then 6 times a year.



https://www.health.com/condition/sexual-health/dead-bedroom


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

I think it's age related.

At age 20+ if it drops below 8/10 per month

4/5 per month for 50+ years

numbers are my interpretation


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

10 is often the clinical definition used by marriage and sex therapists to diagnose a clinically sexless marriage.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

moon7 said:


> Is it zero? Or 12? What amount?


Having been in a Sex Starved marriage, less than 10 times a year is a sexless marriage. So 9 or less is a sexless marriage.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

Ok, thank you. I guess i'm in one.

Oh, the irony of life 🤷🏻‍♀️


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

moon7 said:


> Is it zero? Or 12? What amount?


That's a personal preference. If the both of you aren't really sexual, can the bedroom be considered dead?


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

I have no anwer that may fit your almost thechnical question.
I know from the clinical literature the above said frequencies.
But just IMO and for the kind of relationship I personaly would get and stay in all of them are scarce of meaning.

For my own criteria there is no dead bedroom if but only if there is mutual desire of the in love kind, even if some condition (medical or serious other) makes it rare.
And there is something even worst than cero frequency, even if with a lot of "spousal" sex, there is not entuhusiast passionate intimacy desired by two.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

ElOtro said:


> I have no anwer that may fit your almost thechnical question.
> I know from the clinical literature the above said frequencies.
> But just IMO and for the kind of relationship I personaly would get and stay in all of them are scarce of meaning.
> 
> ...


Definitely the 2nd. And life goes on 🤷🏻‍♀️


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

moon7 said:


> Definitely the 2nd. And life goes on 🤷🏻‍♀️


Not IMO.
I know how is (was) to be in a passionless marriage (so also a loveless one) and what goes on can´t be propperly called life.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

bygone said:


> 4/5 per month for 50+ years


Um nope! I'd be gone! My anger and resentment would be astronomical.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

What is the minimum? I would say its the amount both parties are OK with? Some folks here say they have sex 1-2x per week (4-8x per month) and thats good with them.

Where the issue arises is when the numbers are not agreed upon by both.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Where the issue arises is when the numbers are not agreed upon by both.


@ccpowerslave ratio rule of 3:1 or less HD agreed frequency to LD agreed frequency seems right to me. I keep reading posts on TAM that once a week is fine and dandy, and that anyone experiencing that rate has no right to complain. That rate is a starvation diet IMO. Daily is my "sweet spot" so if the wife wants it three times/day or once in three days, by the 3:1 "rule" we ought to be golden. I could barely accomplish the first, but probably not for days on end. And could probably acquiesce to every three days, might just "double up" with 2 rounds in one session when those days arrived.

So yes, the key is agreement by both spouses. Otherwise at least one of them will be p!st all of the time.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

It needs to be better than 3:1. At that rate or worse eventually the relationship will be in crisis.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> Um nope! I'd be gone! My anger and resentment would be astronomical.


 the question was already what number we thought to mean dead bedroom.

I wrote the month.The numbers are not much below average.

There are those who write that they have not had sex with their partner for many years.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Less than your compromise.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

There is no right number for anything in marriage. There is no "right number of children." There is no "right number of times to go out to eat dinner each week." There is no right number of hours a weekend to watch football on TV. And there is no "right number" of times for having sex each week or month. Everything in marriage is negotiated and based on a compromise between the two partners. And even then, that "number" can change over time. What is the right number of a couple with a three week old baby is not the same as on the honeymoon, or after their 25th wedding.

A man who wants sex three times a week, if married to a woman who wants sex twice a day would be considered low desire. And yet that same man if married to a different woman might be considered having too high a libido. The "number" is situational and a compromise between the two people's needs and wants.

Dr. David Schnarch in his books A Passionate Marriage, the Crucible, Intimacy and Desire talks about how hard marriage is and how everything is about compromise and emotionally pushing and pulling each other.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I haven’t written about this on here for quite awhile.

When I finally told my ex-husband I wanted a divorce, we hadn’t had sex in two to three _years. _Nevertheless_, _I was still accused of ‘rewriting history’.

My perspective was that I had spent 20 years trying to fix this issue, while he just came up with excuses - and never once offered a solution.

I consistently felt like I was trying to pull something out of him that he didn’t want to voluntarily give. It felt like a power struggle.

I actually didn’t divorce him because of that. It was more his extreme passivity. I lost all respect for him, and I just didn’t care anymore.

The price that I paid is that my older three children don’t speak to me, and I’ve made my peace with that.

I’ve don’t regret my choice.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

moon7 said:


> Is it zero? Or 12? What amount?


In my opinion a healthy sex life between married couples if they are in good health and not too old and past it should be twice a week or at least once a week.
Anything less than that I`d say is a dead bedroom.


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