# should I...



## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

extend the deadline for him....do you think i put too much pressure on him at the moment.

I could write him an Email tomm and tell him that if he thinks he needs more time to think about us than he can have it...before he said " a few weeks".

Or

should i wait to see his answer on Thursday and depending of how the conversation goes i could suggest that...

what if he is really not ready due to him working too much...i mean he hasn't had a chance to miss us because of too much work...Am I pushing it with my deadline?!...


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

vivea said:


> extend the deadline for him....do you think i put too much pressure on him at the moment.
> 
> I could write him an Email tomm and tell him that if he thinks he needs more time to think about us than he can have it...before he said " a few weeks".
> 
> ...


leave it as it is, he doesn't work 24 /7 does he ?


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

If you move a deadline it's not a deadline. It's you caving and you'll cave again and again.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

I agree with Crankshaw and Atholk - leave it.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

if you cave in, he knows he still has his cake and eat it too...he still has you wrapped around his finger...

if he ask for more time, you can give him another deadline, but tell him you are moving forward until then, it's up to him to make things right from then on...


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Hold tight girl. I know you are nervous & afraid of what you might hear. 
But do not move the deadline or he knows exactly how much power he has over you.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Thank you guys...you're all so right...i'll wait till tomm night call.
The way he spoke to me list night was so cold again...like he's pissed that he has the deadline..


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

vivea said:


> Thank you guys...you're all so right...i'll wait till tomm night call.
> The way he spoke to me list night was so cold again...like he's pissed that he has the deadline..


pissed at you showing some control over your own life. you are doing this for you, not him.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

He sounded miserable because he works so much...I've told him numerous times that he doesn't have to work that much...he knows that and yet he can't stop,he has 2 jobs and he can easily quit one of them.
He is bringing "this" on himself and than he complains how miserable he is,how he has no time to work out even,how he can't relax and just do things for himself...I don't get it .

I told him last night all this,i told him that now he is stressed with his jobs plus he doesn't have his kids/family with him so he is stressed about that too...i told him if we were there he can only expect support and less stress....he only responded "yeah" 
I think he's fried his brain completely...he doesn't think!


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

You are probably right he is probably in a bad spot and not thinking strait. You can only hope he sees that. Try to help him, but he has to see it himself.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

I couldn't take it today ,i called him...said F ..it and called.He picked up and i just poured my heart out again... 
Me: why do you hate me that much ,you removed all of my pics from your facebook and relationship status is removed
him: i was actually trying to remove my whole account and wanted to remove my interests and stuff...i don't think it shows that i removed that i'm not married
me: yes it does show,it's so painful
him: i don't hate you ,i think you're wonderful person and i would love to have you as friend,i just don't think we're compatible
me:yes we are compatible,we like the same stuff,it's just that you refuse to see it at the moment ...plus what that has anything to do with anything...you will do the stuff that you want to do and i will do mine i'm not going to stop ypu,i realized that my happiness doesn't depend on you
him: right
me:lets live together 6 months ,give a chance to us and to see me in different light,if you don't do that you will never know
him:i don't want to do this to the kids,drag them from place to place
me: don't worry about the kids,they will be fine,they will be happy
if it doesn't work out between me and you ,i will move on way easier than now because i will know that i gave it a try,you will too and one day we will tell the kids that ...that we tried hard...for us and for them...
him: ok may be we can do that
me: i know that you will re-discover me and you will not regret it,i can give you April if you want as long as your landlord gives you one more month and than we can rent a house.
him: well that will work out,i will have March and April for myself and than we can all move in together,i'll call the landlord to ask if he can give me one more month .
me: i know you have feelings for me ,i could feel it when you came,you just purposely block them..don't know why...you have to try too.Do you feel apathy towards me ,do you feel like if i die tomorrow you wouldn't care
him:noooooo
me: than there are feelings ,i see people leave thier families to one day realize that they've made a mistake,i would hate that to happen to us..to you...to realize one day "what have i done"...the damage will be done...
me: let's try for our kids,they deserve their parents to try for them...they will be happy with both of us together not apart, one day you'll be able to look them in the eyes and say ..we tried hard...instead of " i just walked out without trying"
him: ok i will talk to landlord,can't talk anymore ,i'm very irritable
me:but i wanted to say something else
him: please lets talk tomorrow after work again
pretty much hanged up on me at that point

3 min later send me a message
"sorry i was irritable,ï just wanted the day for myself,will call landlord today to ask if i can stay here till April,will call daughter tonight at 9 and talk with you tomorrow night again,have a great day"

i responded 
" you have your day all for yourself,u know how patient i have been to talk to you when you want to but this is important,let me know about what landlord says...i hope you have a great day"

----------------
I'm with mixed feelings again...still have no hope,even if we move there to live with him...God help me....how much rejection i can take....
For some reason i think tomorrow he'll say nooo i changed my mind it won't work ...and i'll be back at square 1.

I can't believe how much he convinced himself that we are not right for each other...his reasons "we don't have the same interests " and "i'm just not into you anymore" ...this is crazy


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Exactly what my H said, I asked him to see how we go, and he said "I think I know how we go-Sh*t"

He has convinced himself that we dont work, that he has no feelings for me, he cares about me, but that's it...
He has said today, that if it changes he'll let me know, but he doesn't see that changing.. He hasn't even called his kids to say goodnight *sigh* I am not sure I can put myself through all of this any more, it's destroying me. I am going to live now, like we are over, if by chance he realises then maybe, maybe I will take him back. But I am not bringing myself down to his level.. I am not being a doormat any more, he is using me.

Vivea, I think you're being used to, we are fall backs when the sh*t hits the fan


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Exactly what my H said, I asked him to see how we go, and he said "I think I know how we go-Sh*t"
> 
> He has convinced himself that we dont work, that he has no feelings for me, he cares about me, but that's it...
> He has said today, that if it changes he'll let me know, but he doesn't see that changing.. He hasn't even called his kids to say goodnight *sigh* I am not sure I can put myself through all of this any more, it's destroying me. I am going to live now, like we are over, if by chance he realises then maybe, maybe I will take him back. But I am not bringing myself down to his level.. I am not being a doormat any more, he is using me.


Now you are getting it, hard slog, but you have your family, and lots of ftiends for help.



> Vivea, I think you're being used to, we are fall backs when the sh*t hits the fan


I am afraid I have to agree with this, maybe not 100%, but close.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

I know guys...i do not feel good at all even if he wants to do it..it would have been better for him to suggest that...but i have to try for the kids...what if he is completely blind and can't see.Don't forget our story ,we lived in a really small town and were both miserable for a while there....now going back to the place we always loved and met ...things could be different...
That way also I'm going to give the little daughter a chance to bond with him....
I don't know if at all is going to happen,who knows what he is going to tell me tomorrow night...

I'm also thinking if he knew absolutely 100% what he wants and how he feels he would have told me by now and not being that confused...
I's just so scared at the moment,anxiety hit me full force again...in both cases I'm scared to death...


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

He's willing to move back in and work on it, so thats very good.

Its concerning that he said you aren't compatible, but my wife told me that and we are happy now.

Separation and the unknown when I was working on my marriage was VERY hard for me, and it sounds like its hard for you too.

There is a chance this will all work out. Best of luck. Go to MC if you can and aren't already while he is moved back in.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

anx...thanks
He's thrown compatibility a few times but i just reminded him today that it's not true..i listed a bunch of things that we like...we haven't done most of them due to living in a place that doesn't offer any activities ,plus his night shifts didn't allow much time for us .He listened and couldn't say anything ...i think he is just looking for a reason...and doesn't know what to say.
he also said that we were arguing every day...i was like "whaaaat" ,that is not true.....he than said "well ok not every day but a lot" ,i said that yes we did have issues but due to his motorcycles and my being pregnant at the time... i said that all people in marriage argue..it's healthy ...but you resolve issues ...you do not just say 
" ok bye i'm done"....he was quiet when i told him that...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

What will be, will be, we can't control anything Sweety x  *hugs*


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

my story is in the reconsiliation section.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconc...seling-reconciliation-success.html#post259366

I would be careful to bringing up stuff like why you are compatible or what was good about your marriage. I think what you did was right in that situation, but I think also are close to begging and trying to convince him to be with you. 

He needs to make that decision by himself, and you telling him why marriage is good might be counteractive towards that.

I feel for you though because you have this short section of time to make it work, and really no room to mess up. That was one of the hardest things for me.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

anx...i just read your story,thanks .Very hard list...i have been doing most of it but there are moments when you slip.....emotions become bigger...especially i think it's hard on females ..we are more emotional than guys.
I don't know...you're right...i was trying to convince him..but he seemed confused and that is why i decided to give him some pointers...if he was firm in his answer than i wouldn't do that but he was on the fence...plus the things he was saying were not right...they were not true...

Gosh so hard...it''s truly a nightmare..and i have to keep myself sane for the kids...


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Well i wrote him an Email today....just wanted to give him an idea how we can do things with renting a house if he decided that he really wants to do it.I basically told him that he can rent a house for us now when his lease ends...he says he can't stand the place.
Basically i told him he can get a house and live there the whole April by himself ..that way i give him an extra month for himself and than we will join,i told him he will need furniture but he can come and get the queen size bed that daughter has been sleeping on and she will sleep with me on my king bed....and also he can take some necessities to live with that month until we come...i just told him to think about it and we can discuss it tonight when he calls.
He hasn't responded anything which makes me extremely nervous....

I have been so anxious all day...my hands are shaking...i just can feel that tonights conversation will be very important and will decide what happens with us.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

wow, good luck tonight.

I think you said the right thing. He will feel like you support his needs for space. It sounds really smart.

Keep strong, this stuff was VERY hard on me (i felt like I was falling apart all the time). I'm sure it is very hard on you too. Feeling like if you mess up even a little bit may end the relationship is very hard.

Hopefully, if you do end up spending time apart, it goes well. I really hope this works out for you.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

ohhh i can only hope anx... smart or not i felt i have to send that email...now he has no excuses...if he says NO it means NO because he doesn't want to...and thats it.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

OMG email for him as we speak...i couldn't believe it...



> That is a great idea with the house renting. Landlord still has not called me back yet. Im Feeling sick this am, sore throat, low grade fever and nausea. Didn't sleep well last night. Work is crazy busy. Im hoping I will feel well to wake up for my 7am shift tomorrow or may have to call out


I hope he doesn't want to postpone the conversation because he doesn't feel well....or worse...i hope he's not faking it so he doesn't talk to me....Gosh i guess i'll know tonight...but the 1st sentence sound good.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Vivea...hate to bring this up, but at what point and time do you start to suspect he is using his "Work is cazy busy" as an excuse to dealing with the issues...seems like you keep giving him an out with this an an exuse?

your working hard too, does he give you any credit for that?


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Things sound good V. He is willing to give things a go. Give him the time but do not turn yourself into a doormat to please him. My husband has also thrown himself into his work in order to not think about things. 
We had counseling session today - she told me to be strong even though it was hard for me to do that. right now he has no respect for me & is trying to hurt me playing my emotions. He said he wished people would stop saying he has walked out on his family. She said well thats what you have done, what did you expect? I wanted to stand up & cheer.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

OMG people i think it'll happen...we just spoke...he was waaaay open to just chat with me..he said he likes the idea....he said he doesn't mind giving it a try...
I asked him to tell me his final because tomorrow i will be giving the 2 month notice to the apartment complex....he said that he will have to hear from his landlord before he gives me OK because he's not sure what his landlord will want from him...not sure what that has to do with anything but OK...he said he will call tomorrow after work around 10pm to tell me for sure....it was nice conversation though...even though he is sick and tired again....he talked about movies and Oscars...that kind of stuff.It's been awhile for us to just chat for whatever....so it gives me hope that tomorrow he will OK it.

Now obviously the fight will start when we get together but this is what i have been praying ...just a chance.

DjF...i know how it sounds with his work but he does work a lot...which is his choice of course ...i have told him numerous times that my work is waaay harder because i don't get to have even 1 day off for myself ...he says he knows that....i guess he forgets sometimes...

Babyheart...i know what you mean ,i will be very careful.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

YAY! Very happy to hear this Vivea.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Vivea, with all my heart and soul...I pray for you and your husband...for all of here, my heart goes out...when one of us moves even one step forward, it gives all of us hope and strength...

God Bless!!!


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

thank you guys...no matter what happens tomorrow i'm just thankful that tonight i have that feeling of a peace ,i feel like i will sleep good and i will not take my medication tonight...i'm just thankful for one night like that in a while...
Who knows what tomorrow night will bring but tonight there is again hope....hope feels good...
Good night my friends...hope you all have a little peace tonight


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

I think most of us would like a little (or more) peace tonight...


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

well so much for the peace...went to bed and couldn't fall asleep for 3 hrs...than woke up about 5 times  ...so nervous still..i guess no peace until we resolve something....
sorry for the downer again but i don't believe until i see some real progress...


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Vivea: you need to be strong. the whole 180 thing.
Babyheart: he did walk out---I'm glad your counselor reinforced that.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

well can't do the 180 at the moment...although i'm not chasing him,do not bother him with calls or texts,we just speak on the phone whenever he calls and wants to talk to me...I have been nice to him but haven't said "i love you" ,i have not cried on the phone...i have just been explaining to him and giving him ideas ...he doesn't resist which is a big step...
we'll see tonight though , when he officially have to say"let's do it"


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

the saga continues... 

his Email from tonight...we didn't speak ,he spoke to our Daughter and told her to tell me he'll call tomm before work.



> Feeling horrible  fever 99-100, chills and sore throat with nausea...no fun. Didn't hear my phone alarm this am but thankfully woke up 15 minutes after it was supposed to go off. Made it today at 10am to work which thankfully has not been to busy. I will call daughter at 9:00. As soon as I get out of here gonna take an ambien and try to get 10 hours of sleep. Pissed Still have not heard back from landlord yet!



Still playing games.....
i feel fine tonight ...been to a party..had a good time...kids had a blast... i'm in whatever mood....love when i feel like that..


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

I love whatever mood too. Feeling it now, hope it continues.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

I'm waiting for him to call in the next hour before he goes to work.....and listen to how miserable he feels because he is sick....really?!..."what about me sick as a dog,completely destroyed because of you and taking care of 2 sick kids,getting up in the middle of the night at least 4-5 times to give medicines and comfort kids"....


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

probably okay to want to say that Vivea...but I wouldn't...haha...

I wouldn't answer the phone...


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

I have to answer Dan....he has till the 28th to tell me for sure so i can give 2 months notice to the apartment complex ... i have to pick up until than ...he has 2 days to tell me
i just checked his ebay account...saw that he bought a kit so a second person can ride with him on his byke...he bought it after we discussed of trying again....not 100% sure it's for me ...but hoping


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

depends...if he bought the kit for you and lets you ride in front so he can stare at you...good thing, if he bought it so you can ride in back and do all the work, bad thing!!!

best of luck the next few days...you know we are here to help keep the stress from eating you alive...


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

For a motorcycle ?!...you always have to go on the back...right?!


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

sorry, I'm way old...was thinking bicycle...I'm still half asleep...

wife has the flu and I ran some food over to her late last night...got home later...forgot to turn off the alarm...you know...one of those mornings...


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