# I need a thinkng adjustment



## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

For some reason I have just been in the crapper for awhile and can't figure out why.

My top issue to deal with is my finances which I really need to nail down. I still have anxiety over and have taken some baby steps but need more productivity on the issue. Other than that I "should" be fine. I just can't quit thinking about how my life would seem to be better if I was still married. I can't remember the bad parts as much. I guess that is what I need help with.

I need a better mantra or something. I thought maybe trying something like "If your single and your happy clap your hands". Kind of a spin off of the kids song but it is a little catchy. It just hasn;t been helping.

I've also been trying to get more golfing in with the friends, spend quality time with the girls when I have them, spend some time with my gf. Then I think maybe I'm spreading myself to thin and need to retract some and veg more. But when I veg more I tend to think of all the things that I should be doing like laundry, dishes, house maintenance etc...Just a vicious cycle I think.

Maybe I need to get more of a schedule where I say Monday is kid night, Tuesday is parents/sister night, wed golf night, thursday GF night or something like that.

Does anyone have suggestions? 

Shoeguy


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I think structure is a good idea right now, Shoe. I find that when things are too free-form, that I also tend to ruminate and not do anything, which then leads to feeling bad, etc.

Mantras haven't worked for me. Sometimes just good old distraction is enough. Pushing yourself to keep moving when you have to do things you don't want to, like laundry, housework, etc. Playing loud music while I'm doing it helps a lot, too.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You're overthinking stuff. Having a game plan helps, so long as it's manageable with regards to logistics and also money and includes downtime. Put in some of the stuff from your home maintenance list, too, and allow for seasonal changes or other adjustments.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Well, being in the crapper is good. Its a place you "get rid" of stuff you dont need. Its necessary, or it builds up. You get, mentally constipated with feeling down and rejected and completely screwed financially because of the whole divorce "thing"...
But, you're also free. The kind of freedom that is worth this temporary financial situation. Im struggling too, and still have the days that I feel very isolated and trapped because of it. 
Are you noticing any days that you feel stronger and less depressed as time passes?


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

Thanks Shoo for that analogy.

I do feel I'm stronger and getting better. I'm just tired of thinking. Homemaker is probably right. I'm over thinking myself. i'm trying to make decisions today by thinking about how they may impact me in 2 years. Two years hell if I look back I wasn't divorced two years ago.

I do know I'm getting stronger and here is why. My philosophy when talking to my ex has always been to just deflect any incoming missles from her and not fire back. Well today I sent one accross her bow.

She likes to go and watch her new BF play volleyball at a bar accross town which is like 25 minutes away via interstate. This last Thursday she took my 16 yr old daughter with her and let her sit at the bar until midnight to then dirve her home. To me that is poor judgement as a parent and I called her out on it.

She came back firing at me that she didn't consider the location a bar and the reason my daughter drove him was becasue they saw like 10 cops on the way to the bar and she had been drinking some. The location has the word Bar & Tavern in the name. LOL

My points were that I was worried about my 16 yr old in a bar where 20 somethings are getting drunk and I didn;t think she should be in that enviroment and thought it was a lack of good judgement on her part being the parent. Long story short her last email said she was no longer going to continue the conversation becasue frankly she was fired up about it.

I'm stronger now because history would have said I would talk to my daughter and tell her that it was a bad idea to hang out in a bar at her age and I didn't approve. If her mother wants her to go again, tell her no that dad doesn't think it is a good idea. Instead I went right to the source and hopefully solved a lttle of the crazy my ex has found.

Mybe I'm wrong but a 16 yr old girl should not be in a bar watching her mothers BF play volleyball. I would think the majority of parents would agree.

Showguy


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

Shoeguy said:


> Thanks Shoo for that analogy.
> 
> I do feel I'm stronger and getting better. I'm just tired of thinking. Homemaker is probably right. I'm over thinking myself. i'm trying to make decisions today by thinking about how they may impact me in 2 years. Two years hell if I look back I wasn't divorced two years ago.
> 
> ...


Whew thats a tough one shoe. Ive been there with the ex and her bad parenting and decision making. At one point, so she knew I was serious, I filed for custody. I knew there was no chance in hell I would get it, but the financial strain it caused her having to hire an attorney out of nowhere drove the point home loud and clear. It stopped. I told her to clean up her act or I would do it again. Its really hard watching from a distance and feeling helpless about what decisions your ex is making with your children. Both of you are her parents, all you can really do is hope they are making the right decisions.


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

Thanks Hunter,

I think I got my point accross to her about the bar scene. I brought it to her attention. I probably said some things that in hindsight should have been worded different but I don't lose any sleep over what I said. 

I also took a straw poll amoung our mutual friends and they all agreed that the bar was not an apporiate place for my kids. I should have pressed the issue with them about why they didn't express that to my ex but felt they shouldn't be put in the middle of our parenting issues. I guess I'm on the fence about that.

I'm certainly not the best parent out there but I try and keep my childrens best interest in mind whenever a decision needs to be made. It is difficult when you only see them for a few days at a time but I beleive they are two well adjusted kids.

I'll try and keep moving on one day at a time. I was partly responible for the situation we are all in right now and accept that. Just hoping my kids are alright becasue they never asked for this mess. I beleive they are adjusting well and try and talk to them about it every now and then to make sure.

Funny how life turns out sometimes i guess.

Shoeguy


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

My Mom took me to a whole bunch of dumb places and let me watch her behave in dumb ways with guys who took advantage of her. Trust me I learned a lot from that kind of environment. Namely, how dumb a woman can be to be in such a place and drink. lol. If your daughter has a good head on her shoulders don't worry about her. She will learn a lot by being sober in a place where everyone else is drunk. After a few visits the novelty will wear off and she will be watching movies on her iPhone or have her nose stuck in a book while waiting for the drunk adults to need a ride home. She will likely think to herself, these people are idiots, and look at how much money this place rakes in. lol. I have a classmate who works at a bartender at a joint like this in New Jersey. She makes a load of money because she knows the ropes of a place like that. I am so impressed. I'm 48 and I don't go near bars unless I'm with my bear-like friend from Alaska who I know would defend me to the death.


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

Thanks Homemaker you are probably spot on. I'm pretty much over it now that I've said my peace.

I'm starting to get a little fun with it now. My buddies asked if I wanted to go to that same bar after we got done golfing on sunday. I said do you mean that restuarant? They both just looked at me and shook their heads. lol

How got the last laugh? This guy!!

Take Care,

shoeguy


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Shoe, make a financial plan. Start saving. Set a goal and DOOO it! 

You can do it 

When you start romanticizing your past, remember what led to the breakdown. And remind yourself of all the good things now.


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

I think you all are right on. I could use some structure around my finances. I need a plan and stop pondering what if's. there comes a point where I start to feel that I'm wasting time and I think I'm about there with the finances.

Unfortunately for me it is most likely bankruptcy. I have a large shortfall each month and only have enough in reserve to keep up the race for 3 more months. I have been reading up on BK and other alternatives. I need to bridge a two year gap and the credit card companies only have hardship programs for one year. Question I have been trying to answer is would it be better to take the plunge now or kick the can down the road some more.

I'm leaning towards starting the clock now so I can get the 7 or 10 years of bad credit over with. I hate the fact taht I probably should file. I'm trying to figure out how to turn this into a learning opportunity for myself and mostly for my kids. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Thanks

Shoeguy


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