# I just don't understand... there seems to be no remorse m



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

and almost no REAL ability to GET what he has done to ME and to our children.

He keeps saying, this doesn't have to be ugly, I don't want it to be ugly... um dude, then you should have kept your pants up for the past 1.5 years. 

He doesn't understand he has changed who I am forever. He doesn't understand the level of which I don't trust him. And he continues to make decisions and such that just blow my mind.

It is like now that he is caught, it is ok to just be all open about it one week later... living with her, going places in the town we leave, telling me about how SHE has a generator so while his wife of 30 year and 3 daughters are freezing their asses in our condo, he is cozying up to his *****. Oh he asks can I help, but it rings really hollow you know?? 

We just had a major winter storm with significant damage and they expect no power for a week... I need him, and I don't want to admit that I do, and he isn't THERE for us... and he just doesn't GET that.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> We just had a major winter storm with significant damage and they expect no power for a week... I need him, and I don't want to admit that I do, and he isn't THERE for us... and he just doesn't GET that.


Lisa,

I`ve been reading your posts since before this even happened.

You have to start accepting the fact that he is never going to be there for you again.

You don`t need him, you`re just used to having him.
You can do whatever you need to do without him.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

180! 

If he doesn't get it, then beating him over the head with it won't accomplish anything--except, if anything, make him feel more justified in what he has done.

You need to forget him and work on you.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Oh boy, have I heard that one. "Not going to be ugly about this", which incidentally automatically implicates YOU ARE, if you say anything or do anything they dont like. Its a trap statement, used by manipulating pieces of garbage not fit for the term "human".

Use this as a means with which to empower yourself. Go to your relatives house, or spend some time with a family member that has heat.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Lisa you must go dark on him , secure your monies , ensure that he is legally tied up and stipulate the OW cannot be near your children . The most powerful tool you have is silence , if he wants to communicate with you he goes through an intermediary . From experience those actions do affect a wayward. Be tough , unrelenting and ignore him .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Lisa, I know at this time what I am going to write will seem like a pile of muck but, when you show that you need him he is just using it to give credibility to what he has done. He thinks I am the big man, I can live with my OW and still be needed by my wife and dependent upon my mood I may or maynot help her. Everytime you show that you need him it keeps that connection between you and him and he relishes that you need him.

I know it is tough, but the less you ask of him the more control you will have over your life and the more he does not have the support even though you think you are not giving him any support, you are by showing that you need him.

No one said life is fair and you got dealt from the bottom of the deck on this hand but you have to be resilient and move on.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

rrrbbbttt said:


> Lisa, I know at this time what I am going to write will seem like a pile of muck but, when you show that you need him he is just using it to give credibility to what he has done. He thinks I am the big man, I can live with my OW and still be needed by my wife and dependent upon my mood I may or maynot help her. Everytime you show that you need him it keeps that connection between you and him and he relishes that you need him.
> 
> I know it is tough, but the less you ask of him the more control you will have over your life and the more he does not have the support even though you think you are not giving him any support, you are by showing that you need him.
> 
> No one said life is fair and you got dealt from the bottom of the deck on this hand but you have to be resilient and move on.



But I don't have anyone... and it sucks. My parents are elderly and we woke up to a Tree crashed onto my daughers car. I can't take it anymore. I don't know my neighbors, I have no friends in town. And then he actually suggested my 17 yo stay overnight with them!


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Lisa you must go dark on him , secure your monies , ensure that he is legally tied up and stipulate the OW cannot be near your children . The most powerful tool you have is silence , if he wants to communicate with you he goes through an intermediary . From experience those actions do affect a wayward. Be tough , unrelenting and ignore him .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I did, the money is all moved to my own account. He was all pissy when he found out I cut off his cell phone.. .accused me of keeping him from his kids. Like his cell phone was the only way on the planet to call them. 

So I should try to do EVERYTHING for the kids myself? I shouldn't ask for help? I did confide in my nieghbor who said it happened to him too and he said he'd help anytime... but right now we are all displaced from the bad storm.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Lisa,
> 
> I`ve been reading your posts since before this even happened.
> 
> ...


I wish I believed that right now... I feel like scum on the bottom of his shoe.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Lisa you must go dark on him , secure your monies , ensure that he is legally tied up and stipulate the OW cannot be near your children . The most powerful tool you have is silence , if he wants to communicate with you he goes through an intermediary . From experience those actions do affect a wayward. Be tough , unrelenting and ignore him .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But I thought he hated that I was strong and he perceived himself as weak... so I am not sure it will do anything to him at all.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

You made friends with us pretty dang quick, and we've never seen you or heard from you before. You can do the same thing with neighbors. I know it's tough. I'm not social at all, and this would be extremely tough on me. But when a person needs some help, people can and do step up to help.

I came home from work one day and my neighbor was outside just standing there looking at his house. I went over and said "Hi". he turned to me and said "She took everything. The whole house is empty." His wife left him and took everything with her, except his clothes. Appliances, furniture, pots, pans, food...all gone. My other neighbor and I came up with folding chairs, a table, and even offered the use of our laundry appliances if he needed. We barely knew him. But we knew he needed help.

There's an old saying: "When you're going through hell....keep moving until you get through it."

Hang in there!!!


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

HerToo said:


> You made friends with us pretty dang quick, and we've never seen you or heard from you before. You can do the same thing with neighbors. I know it's tough. I'm not social at all, and this would be extremely tough on me. But when a person needs some help, people can and do step up to help.
> 
> I came home from work one day and my neighbor was outside just standing there looking at his house. I went over and said "Hi". he turned to me and said "She took everything. The whole house is empty." His wife left him and took everything with her, except his clothes. Appliances, furniture, pots, pans, food...all gone. My other neighbor and I came up with folding chairs, a table, and even offered the use of our laundry appliances if he needed. We barely knew him. But we knew he needed help.
> 
> ...


Yesterday, my neighbor two doors down knocked on my door, and he said "Can you do me a favor and text me if the power comes back?"-- so I said sure (he is married, it is a secon marriage with kids). So I said, and since you are here, can I ask you... I might need some help, my husband left me as he was having an affair, two weeks after moving us here, and I am alone with the 3 girls now. 

He said of course and then told me it happened to him. So I am trying, I really am.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Lisa, so sorry you are going thru this. If you can, quit asking and waiting for him to be the person you thought he was. My x left me 100 days ago for a good friend of mine, leaving behind a 30 year marriage. I have tried and tried to make sense out of why what was important to her before is no longer important (two of my daughters who both live in different states have commented to me basically "what mom use to think was important just isnt important to her any more, how can that be?") Basically the fog has come in and taken your husband away, I dont think in my case she is ever going to come back. Either way you must stay strong, take care of yourself and your children, excercise, eat and try to move on. I know it is hard, I still struggle now, just realize that the only thing important to him now is the OW and himself. It is not your fault, it is 100% on him. Dont wait or count on him. Post here, read and head the advise. Above all take care


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm glad you are trying. What a nice neighbor. You can bet that he will spread the word that you need some help. Invite him and family over for dinner. You'll be surprised how you will be helped.

You can only afford to focus on you and the girls right now.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I'm glad you are trying. What a nice neighbor. You can bet that he will spread the word that you need some help. Invite him and family over for dinner. You'll be surprised how you will be helped.
> 
> You can only afford to focus on you and the girls right now.


The situation with the storm, and the cold, and all that so got to me...


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

It would get to any of us! That's a normal reaction. It sucks, but it's normal.

I wish we all could be there to help you. We're behind you 100%!!!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I will also reiterate that you do NOT need him. I am so sorry you have to deal with no power and a storm on top of what he did, but you CAN do it you know. Just quit thinking about how awful it is that he isn't helping you out and what a horrible father he is, and start thinking about what YOU can and need to do YOURSELF. He has to STOP being your go-to guy and YOU have to be your own go-to guy.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

So what should I do when he does stuff like call me or text me to ask how we are, or what the kids schedules are or if he can help... should I just not answer? Should I just try to do it myself and with the help of friends/neighbors?

Him contacting me makes it more painful.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> I will also reiterate that you do NOT need him. I am so sorry you have to deal with no power and a storm on top of what he did, but you CAN do it you know. Just quit thinking about how awful it is that he isn't helping you out and what a horrible father he is, and start thinking about what YOU can and need to do YOURSELF. He has to STOP being your go-to guy and YOU have to be your own go-to guy.


I was doing pretty well with it until this big storm thing... ug


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

If it hurts, make it stop. Make it painful for him by doing everything you can on your own, or with the help of others. Don't answer the calls or texts. He's trying to be the nice guy when he's really not. Let the guilt eat him up. Disconnect, and move on the best you can. Your daughters still have a father. Don't deny them access to their father. But you don't have to serve your kids up to him. Make him work for it.

Sorry about the storm mess. It too shall pass.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Your daughters still have a father. Don't deny them access to their father. But you don't have to serve your kids up to him. Make him work for it.
> 
> Sorry about the storm mess. It too shall pass.


Yes this.. I don't want to make it easy and he wants me to make it easy..


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Of course he wants you to make it easy. But don't. Your girls are old enough to make their own decisions about seeing their dad. Leave it up to them. You can tell them what your parameters are and let them make arrangements, with your permission of course. But let them do the communicating with him. That's what mine did after I kicked my hubby out. Your girls should also be able to set their own rules about their dad and seeing them. If they don't want to go separately then they shouldn't. If they do then they should have that opportunity.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Of course he wants you to make it easy. But don't. Your girls are old enough to make their own decisions about seeing their dad. Leave it up to them. You can tell them what your parameters are and let them make arrangements, with your permission of course. But let them do the communicating with him. That's what mine did after I kicked my hubby out. Your girls should also be able to set their own rules about their dad and seeing them. If they don't want to go separately then they shouldn't. If they do then they should have that opportunity.


My only real parameters is NO OW... that is a no. And no messing up their extracurriculars-- like skating and lacrosse.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> So what should I do when he does stuff like call me or text me to ask how we are, or what the kids schedules are or if he can help... should I just not answer? Should I just try to do it myself and with the help of friends/neighbors?
> 
> Him contacting me makes it more painful.


Ignore that **** Lisa.

If he has a legitimate communication concerning the kids,custody,school whatever then answer short sweet and on topic.

Other than that go dark.

You`re already doing it yourself, just keep doing it one day at a time.


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