# Do women "walk away" without someone else?



## southbound

I've noticed that when people say their partner starts giving the "love you but not in-love" speech and "I'm not happy anymore" comments, a lot of people suggest that an affair may be taking place. Do most believe that is true? Will someone just walk away from a marriage with no real issues, aside from those, unless there is someone else making them feel special? I know you can't answer for everyone, but is that typical?


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## Mavash.

All the women I've known who have left did not leave for someone else.


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## oliviapeter31

A woman will not walk away from man if they treat her good.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

> Re: Do women "walk away" without someone else?


Well, you're talking to one! I left my STBXH of 19yrs (together 22yrs) and it wasn't for someone else!

He'd like to think it was...it's easier for him to believe I'm a cheater than that he's selfish. Easier to believe I'm unfaithful than that he's unloveable. But, unfortunately for him, it's not true. I'd RATHER BE ALONE than live another year, month, week, hour, minute with his selfish azz!!

Haven't dated ANYONE in 22years! Have been out to dinner with co-workers and old friends (both male and female) from college and former jobs, but haven't met anyone special yet. Still, I am SO MUCH HAPPIER being around family and friends who care about me, who want to do things I WANT TO DO with me, who are interested in me, who let ME BE 'FIRST' sometimes! It's refreshing, and fun, and peaceful and joyous....all the things my life hasn't been in years.


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## Holland

I don't know what the definition of a walk away wife is, not a term I ever hear in Aussie.

But if it helps I was the initiator in ending the marriage (together 17 years) and no I did not have anyone else.
I lived in a sexless marriage and am a HD woman. I never had an affair, I was very loyal to my marriage and my family.

It was 12 months after separation before I started dating and went to town. Oh what fun it was 

None of the women I know that have been divorced or separated left for another man. I think people jump to this conclusion due to their own past issues.


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## southbound

I'm speaking about a marriage where there are no major issues, like cheating or abuse, and the husband is basically a good man, but perhaps he just doesn't fulfill her love language. Perhaps she feels he is boring, and they have been together for several years and have children.


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## Holland

southbound said:


> I'm speaking about a marriage where there are no major issues, like cheating or abuse, and the husband is basically a good man, but perhaps he just doesn't fulfill her love language. Perhaps she feels he is boring, and they have been together for several years and have children.


Which basically describes my marriage. No other man involved for me. I fully believe in ending one properly before starting the next.


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## Caribbean Man

I know at least two women who have left their husbands and marriage and not for another man.
They live on heir own.
But what I've noticed with both of them is that they are very career oriented alpha type females.
They are professionals in their career fields.


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## Hermes

I have yet to see one that has left for reasons other than another man. I KNOW it is possible, as evidenced in this thread, and in NO WAY do i doubt your stories or problems in your marriages. My personal experience (my wife, my sister, my mother, friends, etc) tell me that MOST of the time, there is a guy waiting in the wings. Of course, there are exceptions to the rule.

EDIT: I do not mean to sound like the other man is the reason they left. The reason they left is they are unhappy with the marriage, the other man was there giving them something we weren't. It does not make it right that they cheat or leave and immediately start seeing someone else though.


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## ScarletBegonias

southbound said:


> I've noticed that when people say their partner starts giving the "love you but not in-love" speech and "I'm not happy anymore" comments, a lot of people suggest that an affair may be taking place. Do most believe that is true? Will someone just walk away from a marriage with no real issues, aside from those, unless there is someone else making them feel special? I know you can't answer for everyone, but is that typical?


I walked away.There was no one else.I was fed up,sick of struggling,and he refused to continue MC because he didn't like what he was hearing about himself there.

It's totally possible for a woman to walk away after years of trying to make things work with an uncooperative,emotionally absent husband without having someone else waiting.When a woman is fed up,she's finished and out the door.


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## TrustInUs

I know women that have left and there was not another man. As a matter fact of two of them didn't even date for a long time after the divorce. There wasn't abuse or cheating but they did have their problems, so maybe I'm not answering your questions.

I think for someone to walk away from years of marriage and kids there has to be some sort of "problems" unless they are just selfish.


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## MrK

There was no other man for my wife. She just checked out.

I think by DEFINITION, a walkaway doesn't actually leave the marriage. That's why this phenomena never really caught on. The "walkaway" part makes it sound like she physically left. A "walkaway", by definition, physically stays in the marriage, but leaves emotionally. If a woman leaves for another man, it's something else.

No?


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## Deejo

Human nature dictates that you aren't going to get many female responses acknowledging that is what happened in their case.

Here is what I'm comfortable telling you in my personal experience, those whose circumstances I am familiar with, and on these boards.

MOST people, regardless of gender who say the words, "I love you but I'm non in love with you." and/or, "I'm not happy." combined with substantial changes in their behavior, losing weight, new wardrobe, change in demeanor or personality, away from the home more, etc. ...

are emotionally invested in someone other than their partner. 

So the unfortunate part is, even when someone doesn't dump their spouse for someone else, people will presume that an affair was the case.

In the case of a Walkaway Wife, as others have pointed out, this is usually mid-life, after years of marriage in which the woman has simply withdrawn emotionally. At the time she says she is leaving ... although news to her partner, she has likely had that mind-set for a long period of time. It most certainly isn't a matter of her waking up one day and deciding to pull the plug.

Self-identity seems to play a very significant role, as evidenced by the input from the ladies here.

Women in general are far more likely to initiate divorce than men are. 
Women Initiate Divorce 66% of The Time: Why Do They Want To Get Married? | Love + Sex - Yahoo! Shine

There are other statistics out there that indicate that in college educated couples, women initiate divorce 90% of the time. 

Kind of begs the question, doesn't it?


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## ScaredandUnsure

I walked away, and not for anyone else. I couldn't be the invisible wife anymore. I checked out mentally log before I left. But he knew, I begged and begged for him to go with me to counseling, and he kept telling me it was all in my head. He understood though after I asked him for a divorce.


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## mel123

Deejo said:


> Human nature dictates that you aren't going to get many female responses acknowledging that is what happened in their case.


:iagree:

I think the responses here are honest.However women who have walked away for another man simply are not posting. If you look at TAM as a whole with all its threads and posts, it supports my thinking.


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## that_girl

My friend walked away without anyone else. Well, she has 4 children, so she took them. Struggled...but now, the divorce is FINAL and she has a JOB and a new house! 

Her ex is an abusive man...he moved in with a woman RIGHT after my friend left. Gross. But she's doing great and had NO other man when she decided ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I have never left for someone else, only myself.


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## Emerald

I walked away for nobody else.


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## maincourse99

_Well, you're talking to one! I left my STBXH of 19yrs (together 22yrs) and it wasn't for someone else!

He'd like to think it was...it's easier for him to believe I'm a cheater than that he's selfish. Easier to believe I'm unfaithful than that he's unloveable. But, unfortunately for him, it's not true. I'd RATHER BE ALONE than live another year, month, week, hour, minute with his selfish azz!!

Haven't dated ANYONE in 22years! Have been out to dinner with co-workers and old friends (both male and female) from college and former jobs, but haven't met anyone special yet. Still, I am SO MUCH HAPPIER being around family and friends who care about me, who want to do things I WANT TO DO with me, who are interested in me, who let ME BE 'FIRST' sometimes! It's refreshing, and fun, and peaceful and joyous....all the things my life hasn't been in years_.

You are a person I respect. You handled it the correct, moral way. Speaking for myself, if my wife had handled it this way, I could live with it and still have respect for her. But she cheated. Now she wants to come back because she says now that things were good and she made a terrible mistake. 

Kudos to you


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## Jellybeans

*Do women "walk away" without someone else? *

Yes. Every single day.


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## Hermes

I respect EVERY one of you that did it without someone else. I wish my wife did the same thing. I could respect her and look her in the eyes if she did. But she decided to have an affair instead. I guess that makes you a little jaded.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> He'd like to think it was...it's easier for him to believe I'm a cheater than that he's selfish. Easier to believe I'm unfaithful than that he's unloveable. But, unfortunately for him, it's not true. I'd RATHER BE ALONE than live another year, month, week, hour, minute with his selfish azz!!


:iagree:

Did not leave for anyone tho he accused me of it for the same reasons plus he thought I was incapable of thinking for myself.


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## DocHoliday

"Human nature dictates that you aren't going to get many female responses acknowledging that is what happened in their case."
-- Deejo.
I agree 100%
Women are still have a fear of being viewed as "****ty" or not loyal who walk away. 

I think most women do leave for another...

But not in the way that you are probably thinking....

Women TEND to mourn the loss of their relationships while they are still in them, men tend to have the realtiy of the loss "hit" them a few months after the seperation.

That is why when a woman says she's "really done".. She has really checked out, and most counselors consider a woman who is over a marriage way harder to reconcile that a man who is wanting out.

Women, in our society tend to cultivate one relationship at a time. I don't know if this is our nature, or just something we have been conditioned to.

But rarely does a woman leave without a man in the wings, or, I think, more commonly a "man/relationship in her head"- (greener pastures so to speak)- and THERE IS NOTHING wrong with that.

I have not known one women (tho many may say this) who said "I don't care if I am alone forever"..
Most have expressed a strong desire for, and a strong belief in a _healthier future relationship_..
Again, Nothing wrong with that.

So, do women leave a unhealthy union for a potential partner? either realized or in their imagination? yes. I think so-- all the time.


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## heavensangel

I'll admit.... I did leave because of other men...... they were basically my exH friend's telling me how crazy I was for putting up with his abusive crap!!! This went on for several years before I got the courage to tell exH I was leaving; I told him in January that I was leaving in June; and did just that! I checked out emotionally/physically way before then. We attended MC; after a couple months, he quit because he didn't like being told he was doing everything wrong. Lol! He initiated MC thinking the counselor was going to tell me to straighten up!!! What's really sad.....he used those last months to try to shower me with gifts/love (1st Valentine's Day and Mother's Day I got gifts in YEARS and of course, he made the gestures publicly) in an effort to change my mind. By that time it was too late; I was done. I'm the type that once I've made my mind up, very little can change it.


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## MrK

Again, by definition, there is no other man involved when a wife "walks away". This was the top hit that came up when googling "walkaway wife syndrome". 

The Walkaway Wife Syndrome | Psychology Today

Nowhere does it mention another man. It is purely a woman who checks out of the marriage because they hate their husbands. Take this quote from the article:

"Exit strategies often take years to execute and during that time women are focused on fortifying their resources, not fixing their marriages."

That one sentence describes the past 15 years of my marriage. No other men. No desire for other men. Just an intense dislike of me.

A woman finding another man and leaving is not the textbook definition of a "walkaway wife". The textbook definition is her STAYING in the marriage and being miserable. Of course, once women finally leave they will EVENTUALLY find another man, but another man was not the REASON they walked.


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## Amyd

MrK said:


> Again, by definition, there is no other man involved when a wife "walks away". This was the top hit that came up when googling "walkaway wife syndrome".
> 
> The Walkaway Wife Syndrome | Psychology Today
> 
> Nowhere does it mention another man. It is purely a woman who checks out of the marriage because they hate their husbands. Take this quote from the article:
> 
> "Exit strategies often take years to execute and during that time women are focused on fortifying their resources, not fixing their marriages."
> 
> That one sentence describes the past 15 years of my marriage. No other men. No desire for other men. Just an intense dislike of me.
> 
> A woman finding another man and leaving is not the textbook definition of a "walkaway wife". The textbook definition is her STAYING in the marriage and being miserable. Of course, once women finally leave they will EVENTUALLY find another man, but another man was not the REASON they walked.


That makes sense. They are unhappy and they want out they may actually start an affair as a way to transition out of the marriage but once single may leave the affair partner.


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## Amyd

As a side note, I do think western culture has unrealistic expectations of marriage and happiness.


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## EleGirl

southbound said:


> I'm speaking about a marriage where there are no major issues, like cheating or abuse, and the husband is basically a good man, but perhaps he just doesn't fulfill her love language. Perhaps she feels he is boring, and they have been together for several years and have children.


Not fulfilling her love language basically means he was not meeting her emotional needs. It's a major issue.

I know a fair number of women who have left husbands for this reason. Few if any have had a guy waiting... I just don't recall any of them leaving for another man.


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## Caribbean Man

MrK said:


> Again, by definition, there is no other man involved when a wife "walks away".  This was the top hit that came up when googling "walkaway wife syndrome".
> 
> The Walkaway Wife Syndrome | Psychology Today
> 
> Nowhere does it mention another man. It is purely a woman who checks out of the marriage because they hate their husbands. Take this quote from the article:
> 
> *"Exit strategies often take years to execute and during that time women are focused on fortifying their resources, not fixing their marriages."*
> 
> That one sentence describes the past 15 years of my marriage. No other men. No desire for other men. Just an intense dislike of me.
> 
> A woman finding another man and leaving is not the textbook definition of a "walkaway wife". The textbook definition is her STAYING in the marriage and being miserable. Of course, once women finally leave they will EVENTUALLY find another man, but another man was not the REASON they walked.


:iagree:

I am wondering from the cases that I have seen if these women are somewhat " jaded" and completely disenchanted by the idea of men , love , romance?


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## Halien

MrK said:


> Again, by definition, there is no other man involved when a wife "walks away". This was the top hit that came up when googling "walkaway wife syndrome".
> 
> The Walkaway Wife Syndrome | Psychology Today
> 
> Nowhere does it mention another man. It is purely a woman who checks out of the marriage because they hate their husbands. Take this quote from the article:
> 
> "Exit strategies often take years to execute and during that time women are focused on fortifying their resources, not fixing their marriages."
> 
> That one sentence describes the past 15 years of my marriage. No other men. No desire for other men. Just an intense dislike of me.
> 
> A woman finding another man and leaving is not the textbook definition of a "walkaway wife". The textbook definition is her STAYING in the marriage and being miserable. Of course, once women finally leave they will EVENTUALLY find another man, but another man was not the REASON they walked.


Most of the situations that have happened to people I know, at least where they seemed open and honest about what happened, were very similar to what you describe. I think that too many people try to oversimplify the reasons. Rarely is it a simple decision. My mother left my step-father after years of believing that it could get better. I agree that there may have been this low-level awareness that after she gets her life back in her own control, there may be the vague possibility of future relationship, but she didn't even see other men for years. Same goes for close friends of my wife. 

My step-father was pretty convinced that things were going pretty 'normal'. I wonder if he even saw that he tended to project his own vision of how a happy marriage should be run into her, while she was truly unheard in the marriage. But my wife's friend seemed to just have a struggle to convey her needs to her husband, who seemed like the kind of guy who cared, but just never could understand. He procrastinated, assuming that they would eventually overcome the issues. But my wife's friend later admitted to self-doubts about her own willingness to communicate her unmet needs, also.

Granted, we see many cases of partners leaving the marriage for another person, but the classic walk away syndrome is usually described in many contexts as checking out of the marriage after a long period of unhappiness with the relationship, based on internal decisions for self-actualization. Years have been invested in the marriage, but the person decides that they prefer to go forward as the one in control of their life. But as with all things human, about the time we categorize certain behaviors, dozens of exceptions pop up.


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## EleGirl

I think that an important part of the "Walk Away" syndrom that the husband is generally unaware that their wife has been unhappy for years, maybe decades. 
It could be that he has simply not really paid attention to her, perhaps projecting his contentment onto her. And he has not listened to her when she has tried to talk to him.

Or it could be that she has been unable to verbalize the issues she has in the marriage.

There is not really a one size fits all on this. I think it’s unique to each couple in many ways.


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## Deejo

EleGirl said:


> There is not really a one size fits all on this. I think it’s unique to each couple in many ways.


Yet it's occurrence and the factors that are cited are so very common. 

I think what I find unfortunate is that the concept of 'self-actualization' seems to be absent at the point where it can best serve a marriage ... and that point would be prior to getting married.

Wouldn't it be something if marriage actually contributed to who you are and who you want to be rather than being seen as an impediment.


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## ScarletBegonias

Deejo said:


> Wouldn't it be something if marriage actually contributed to who you are and who you want to be rather than being seen as an impediment.


I would hope that's the goal of most people when they agree to marry but sadly I know it's not.


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## Cosmos

Yes, I left my marriage for someone else. * Myself!*

Before I left there were lots of changes in my behaviour:-

I lost weight
I started exercising more
I upgraded my wardrobe
I went back to work
I spent more time away from the home (with a therapist)

I did all these things in order to give me the confidence to leave the marriage. The only person I left my marriage for was myself.


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## MrK

Other men were so far out of my/our situation. Not an issue at all. 

My wife "walked away" probably 15 years ago. As someone said, each situation is unique, but the way mine unfolded was such that when I found out, about 3 years ago, it hit me hard and it hit me completely. I didn't know that such a thing was possible and it CRUSHED me. Had NO IDEA it had happened. I also knew she was gone for good, and I hadn't even heard of the syndrome at the time. 

This is a massive problem. We need to teach our children about it. How could I possibly be almost 50 years old and be shocked that this had happened to my life?


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## MaritimeGuy

I'm pretty sure my wife would tell you she didn't ask me to leave because of someone else. The sexually explicit e-mail exchanges, professions of love and commitments to get together with an old boyfriend were only her mechanism for living with the monster that was me. They had nothing to do with her decision.


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## TeaLeaves4

Deejo said:


> Yet it's occurrence and the factors that are cited are so very common.
> 
> I think what I find unfortunate is that the concept of 'self-actualization' seems to be absent at the point where it can best serve a marriage ... and that point would be prior to getting married.
> 
> Wouldn't it be something if marriage actually contributed to who you are and who you want to be rather than being seen as an impediment.


Sure it would be wonderful, but it takes 2 to have a real marriage. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. After too many years of thAt.... Over and out
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf

I think it is an individual thing. However, from the years I've been on the earth, I have noticed it is unusual for there not to be someone. If you think about all of the stuff these guys talk about on here with Alpha education, you will see that it is unlikely but, not unheard of.


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## MrK

MaritimeGuy said:


> I'm pretty sure my wife would tell you she didn't ask me to leave because of someone else. The sexually explicit e-mail exchanges, professions of love and commitments to get together with an old boyfriend were only her mechanism for living with the monster that was me. They had nothing to do with her decision.


Was your wife a "walk-away" or just someone who found someone else then decided to leave you? Why did she fall out of love with you? Why did she look elsewhere? THAT'S what made her walk away. If she was in a happy, healthy relationship with you then stumbled upon an affair, that's not a walk-away. She was in love with you but found another man exciting, that's not a walk away.

When she had her affair, she had already walked away. If not, she doesn't fit the bill.

We're talking semantics here anyhow. That's why this phenomena never got traction in the first place. People kept confusing the definition. We're talking about what made her leave. If it was another man, so be it. Does that fit our definition, however? 

This one is almost a "do men want to screw their female friends" question. Men see it one way, women another. The only difference are those men who have lived with a woman for decades, had NO IDEA she was gone. No affairs, then find out there is NOTHING. From the best marriage in the world to complete loneliness. Unless you've experienced it, you can't imagine it can happen. When it does, you cross the gender line on understanding it. Until that happens, our primitive male brain think it HAS TO BE another man.


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## 2ntnuf

Get real.


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## MrK

I thought I was. Sorry.

So I guess if my wife walks out the door tonight, happy as a clam in **** with her marriage and me, meets a man and falls in love with him by pure chance, she's a walk-away wife?

That wasn't my understanding. So, never mind.


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## in my tree

I didn't leave for or to be with anyone else. I left for my own mental stability. I have not been in a relationship for years and have no intentions of of being in one anytime soon.


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## waiwera

southbound said:


> I'm speaking about a marriage where there are no major issues, like cheating or abuse, and the husband is basically a good man, but perhaps he just doesn't fulfill her love language. Perhaps she feels he is boring, and they have been together for several years and have children.


*Not speaking personally to you southbound...more to the subject*

Every day we see posts on here from men talking about how effing amazing they are! 
As husbands and fathers...not perfect but very very very close to it!! 

Ahem...

Yet their wives show them no love, speak to them with contempt, won't have sex with them.

Then they walk away and in my world it's rarely been for another man....more likely just to get away from the first one.

I know of quite a few 'walk away wives'. Each and every one of the tells the same story... it was building up for YEARS. In the beginning the tried and talked to their husband and most tried MC...but nothing changed. The resentment grew until they left. 

I don't understand how the husband think the wives have been happy all those years... the descriptions of angry wives who refuse sex and affection don't sound like a happily married women to me.


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## Dewayne76

I don't know the exact definition. My story is, I thought everything was peachy, sure I had done things I shouldn't have like the way I talked to her sometimes etc. But we had lot of loving times, most of the time. We enjoyed doing EVERYTHING together. He11 sometimes she'd come to me and say how much she loves me and then ask "Why are you with me? I'm such a horrible wife" 

4 days before the man she cheated on me with showed up, she did one of these escapades. "I love you so much" Me: "are you happy?" Her "Very happy, you better never leave me..." etc. 

We had a fight 2 weeks after the "boys" showed up. She kicked me from the room. a week or so later she slept with 19 yo. 

He's gone. But my wife says she wants nothing to do with me. Hasn't been happy for years. Said she was "content" not happy. Wants to be "alone" she says etc. Although she still wants to hang out with me when picking up the kid. Instead of just picking her up and leaving. She hangs.

She paid a lawyer 3 weeks ago. I haven't heard the word "Divorce" from her in 2 weeks I guess. She now says "We're separated" instead of the D word. 

I don't know if this helps. I don't know if she's considered a Walkway Wife or not. But hope this info helps add to the pot.


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## waiwera

MrK said:


> If she was in a happy, healthy relationship with you then stumbled upon an affair, that's not a walk-away. She was in love with you but found another man exciting, that's not a walk away.


WTF?

Women in happy healthy marriages don't stumble into affairs:scratchhead: 

We're way too busy with our lives and our lovely husbands...we walk away from tempting situations. We have no 'gap' to fill...so we don't look. 

When ever i see..." my marriage is perfect but one night i slipped and fell onto a a co-workers penis and we've been having sex ever since.. what shall i do"

I call bullsh!t on the perfect marriage! 

But that's just my opinion


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## Coffee Amore

One of my closest friends divorced her husband and she did it without having a man in the wings. In fact, she didn't date anyone or get involved with a man for years afterwards until her daughter was starting college. Until then all those years after the divorce it was just she and her daughter. 

My friend had been unhappy in the marriage for years. There wasn't abuse. There wasn't adultery. They were very distant, very detached from each other. He was all about his career, his hobbies and himself. They were polite roommates who shared a child. They didn't have big arguments. They were both too well bred for othat I guess. I remember she said she had to initiate the sex. She literally had to ask him to pay attention to her, give her physical affection and so on. He would make comments about her being "hypersexual" when in fact what she asked for was quite reasonable. I wouldn't even say she was HD! Finally, she had to ask herself why she was in a marriage that made her so unhappy.
As for being alpha, he was alpha as they came. He was a military commander.

She left the marriage for herself. She said that little by little she was losing part of herself staying married to him. I don't think the divorce was easy by any means. However, she is much happier now in a far better relationship. He also moved on and remarried.


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## MrK

2ntnuf said:


> Get real.


Still feel that way? EVERY woman who has posted says "no men involved". Every man (but me) says there is. It's a woman's psyche we're talking about. I wonder who's right...


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## southbound

Amyd said:


> As a side note, I do think western culture has unrealistic expectations of marriage and happiness.


I agree with that. I think expectations have changed greatly in the last generation or two. My Great Aunt told me a few years ago that marriage is just for fun anymore and that men and women don't really need and appreciate each other for their true good qualities anymore, and when the fun dies down, one of them is ready to leave. I think that is true in a lot of cases. 

the problem is that I cut my teeth on that philosophy as i was growing up. I saw the adults in my family as people who treasured things like their spouse being a good person and provider. Life wasn't about how many vacations you took and all the other stuff. In my lifetime, my parents never got a babysitter and had a "date night" or did anything openly that I would call romantic, but I sure know they loved each other and we kids had a great childhood. A lot might argue that there were problems then and people just stayed with it due to a different culture. That may be true with some, but not the ones I was around. They valued different things than people do today.

So, I grew up thinking certain things were important, but then my generation started using new expectations that i apparently didn't pick up on.


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## SimplyAmorous

southbound said:


> My Great Aunt told me a few years ago that marriage is just for fun anymore and that men and women don't really need and appreciate each other for their true good qualities anymore, *and when the fun dies down, one of them is ready to leave. * I think that is true in a lot of cases.
> 
> the problem is that I cut my teeth on that philosophy as i was growing up. I saw the adults in my family as people who treasured things like their spouse being a good person and provider. Life wasn't about how many vacations you took and all the other stuff. *In my lifetime, my parents never got a babysitter and had a "date night" or did anything openly that I would call romantic, but I sure know they loved each other and we kids had a great childhood.* A lot might argue that there were problems then and people just stayed with it due to a different culture. That may be true with some, but not the ones I was around. They valued different things than people do today.
> 
> So, I grew up thinking certain things were important, but then my generation started using new expectations that i apparently didn't pick up on.


Hey Southbound, just wanted to pipe in here, my & my husband was something like what you describe here... for a good 19 yrs of our marriage.... but when I hit Mid Life I realized we WERE missing some of that SWEET Romance and FUN......we LIVED for our children.....achieving our dreams, kinda lost sight of each other at times. 

And honestly, I caused a ROAR about it... not that he needed me too, but had he been one to drag his feet when I came into this great realization







of what we've been missing all along......how I wanted to shake things up & have some *FUN*.... Rock concerts, Romantic Vacations, a flurry of togetherness..... I would have gone stark raving Mad & a lonliness would have sprung in me - like "isn't he a bore".... I DIDN'T face that thankfully.... I faced nothing but happy reception to what I was craving, he knocked himself out even. 

I have no idea why some women don't make a bigger fuss-raising the roof off the house when they are heading down a lonely spiral away from their husbands, you sound like such a NICE MAN -who wouldn't turn his lovely wife away -if she was requesting something special from you....or throw her under a bus..... She should have stirred the *conflict* and laid out what she so "needed" from you. 

I simply can not relate to those who put their heads in the sand -without doing this. 

I don't feel all people can handle a very mundane uneventful marriage & remain "fulfilled". I don't consider myself high maintenance needing luxuries and all that - I'm pretty simple... but some of us do crave a lot of daily affection, some laughter in the home...and Yes, some old fashioned ROMANCE...to feel like we're the most important thing in our husband's lives.


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## southbound

waiwera said:


> Not speaking personally to you southbound...more to the subject[/B]
> 
> Every day we see posts on here from men talking about how effing amazing they are!
> As husbands and fathers...not perfect but very very very close to it!!


I understand what you are saying. Nobody knows anyone else's situation. I wouldn't describe myself as amazing, but I know I am a good person, and i just think it's strange to walk away from a good person not knowing what else is out there. I won't go into boring details, but I lived up to what i was taught made a good spouse, but like i said in another post, our culture has changed. 



waiwera said:


> I know of quite a few 'walk away wives'. Each and every one of the tells the same story... it was building up for YEARS. In the beginning the tried and talked to their husband and most tried MC...but nothing changed. The resentment grew until they left.


My x wife said the same thing, it had been building for years. She never brought up any major issues over the years or acted like she was unhappy. Even her sister tried to talk her out of it. Her sister went through an unhappy patch once but decided to stay and is very happy now. She told her that, "this stuff you are talking about sounds just like the problems i thought I had." 



waiwera said:


> I don't understand how the husband think the wives have been happy all those years... the descriptions of angry wives who refuse sex and affection don't sound like a happily married women to me


That's a good point. Perhaps some people are just so anti-divorce that unless something huge is brewing, divorce never crosses their mind. Perhaps that was me. To me, marriage is sacred and not to be walked away from for small reasons.


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## MaritimeGuy

I'm not a fan of labels. Not exactly sure what was meant in the end by walk away wife.

Of course men want to believe there is someone else when their wife decides to leave the marriage. The alternative is there is something wrong with the woman they love or god forbid something wrong with themselves. It's human nature to want to find something external to blame. 

As to whether she walks away with or without someone else in the wings I think that becomes a chicken and egg discussion. Did the marriage die because she changed her focus to someone else or did she change her focus to someone else because the marriage was dead?

It's much like the emotional affairs we see so often in this forum. Is it occuring because the marital relationship is flawed or is the marital relationship flawed because one side is having an emotional affair?

I'm not sure at the end of the day it really makes a difference. Is it better if your partner leaves you for someone else or so dislikes being with you they would rather be alone? It seems to me both are pretty bad places to be.


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## 45188

Yeah I know a few girls like that who left for no other man. Their bfs were selfish jerks and refused to compromise and threw fits instead of talking to them, because they figured they'd always be there.


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## waiwera

It may just be me but i would prefer to think my H had simply fallen out of love with me and wanted to end the marriage.

Finding out he was leaving me for another woman would be worse..much worse... 

I find it difficult to comprehend why so many of the men say they would rather think W left for someone else than know the 'walk away' would rather be alone than married to him..

Both scenarios involve being rejected and abandoned but the latter also involves being replaced... 

It must be a gender thing??


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## waiwera

MaritimeGuy said:


> It's much like the emotional affairs we see so often in this forum. Is it occuring because the marital relationship is flawed or is the marital relationship flawed because one side is having an emotional affair?
> .


I can only speak for myself really but I just don't believe if your in love/lust with your spouse that you will find yourself in an affair.

As a happily married woman I have no unmet needs. No gap to fill. I don't feel as though I'm missing out on something. 

I'm also very aware of what I have to lose and how much acute pain A's cause... that in it's self is enough for me to behave.

I get the odd nod/smile/wink/car toot from men... but I don't EVER take one step towards anything inappropriate. I just don't allow myself in situations that could lead anywhere.

Personally I believe 99% of affairs happen because something is wrong/missing in the WS life...it may having at all to do with the BS. Lets face it...whats more selfish and self absorbed than married people engaging in an affair.

I will allow 1% for those who say they are happily married but just tripped and fell into their affairs..


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## MaritimeGuy

waiwera said:


> I can only speak for myself really but I just don't believe if your in love/lust with your spouse that you will find yourself in an affair.
> 
> As a happily married woman I have no unmet needs. No gap to fill. I don't feel as though I'm missing out on something.
> 
> I'm also very aware of what I have to lose and how much acute pain A's cause... that in it's self is enough for me to behave.
> 
> I get the odd nod/smile/wink/car toot from men... but I don't EVER take one step towards anything inappropriate. I just don't allow myself in situations that could lead anywhere.
> 
> Personally I believe 99% of affairs happen because something is wrong/missing in the WS life...it may having at all to do with the BS. Lets face it...whats more selfish and self absorbed than married people engaging in an affair.
> 
> I will allow 1% for those who say they are happily married but just tripped and fell into their affairs..


I agree. If you're 100% committed in your marriage you're not going to be susceptible to being hit on. That's why communication (in all senses of the word) is so critical in a marriage. You have to be aware if your spouse is not 100% happy. If due to poor expressiveness on their part or poor receptiveness on your part or some combination of the two you're not aware there is an issue your marriage is at risk.


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## Cosmos

waiwera said:


> I find it difficult to comprehend why so many of the men say they would rather think W left for someone else than know the 'walk away' would rather be alone than married to him..


If a spouse walks away because they've found someone else, it's easier to blame the cheating spouse for the marriage having failed. The alternative is to have to look at oneself, and that can be very painful...

At least, this is my theory.


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## 45188

waiwera said:


> I can only speak for myself really but I just don't believe if your in love/lust with your spouse that you will find yourself in an affair.
> 
> As a happily married woman I have no unmet needs. No gap to fill. I don't feel as though I'm missing out on something.
> 
> I'm also very aware of what I have to lose and how much acute pain A's cause... that in it's self is enough for me to behave.
> 
> I get the odd nod/smile/wink/car toot from men... but I don't EVER take one step towards anything inappropriate. I just don't allow myself in situations that could lead anywhere.
> 
> Personally I believe 99% of affairs happen because something is wrong/missing in the WS life...it may having at all to do with the BS. Lets face it...whats more selfish and self absorbed than married people engaging in an affair.
> 
> I will allow 1% for those who say they are happily married but just tripped and fell into their affairs..


Apparently a lot of men in happy marriages have affairs, while generally a womans affair stems from an unhappy marriage.


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## MaritimeGuy

kipani said:


> Apparently a lot of men in happy marriages have affairs, while generally a womans affair stems from an unhappy marriage.


I find that hard to believe. If a man is truly in love with his partner how could he possibly make the choice to risk crushing the woman he loves?


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## waiwera

kipani said:


> Apparently a lot of men in happy marriages have affairs, while generally a womans affair stems from an unhappy marriage.


Yes I've read this too... and it scares me somewhat.

Must admit it hasn't been backed up with what I see in RL though.
The only people i know who have had affairs were all unhappy... although the BS often didn't have any clue just HOW unhappy their WS was.


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## EleGirl

MrK said:


> Still feel that way? EVERY woman who has posted says "no men involved". Every man (but me) says there is. It's a woman's psyche we're talking about. I wonder who's right...


Just about every man who is here is here because their wife cheated.

TAM is not a scientific sampling of the population.

I'd say that the men who say that their wives left for someone else are telling the truth.

I'd also say that the women who are saying that there was no man involved in their leaving are also telling the truth.

Why assume that anyone here is lying?


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## EleGirl

MaritimeGuy said:


> I find that hard to believe. If a man is truly in love with his partner how could he possibly make the choice to risk crushing the woman he loves?


Because they think they can get away with it. They think that their wife will never find out.


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## MaritimeGuy

EleGirl said:


> Because they think they can get away with it. They think that their wife will never find out.


Yes I agree that's true but I would think you still have accept that there is some risk there. I guess some people just don't put a whole lot of thought into the possible repercussions of their actions.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

EleGirl brings up an important point:

The men at TAM are here by-and-large because a SO has cheated on them. Typically, men share their thoughts/emotions only at the point of a gun (metaphorically speaking).

The women at TAM are here for a VARIETY of reasons. Typically, women share their thoughts/emotions at the drop of a hat.

So we have women who are here for various KINDS of support. Men who are here OFTEN (but not always) because they're outraged, cheated on, broken-hearted (cheated on THEN dumped).

So it makes sense that a LOT of the men HERE AT TAM (not necessarily men in general) would view wives who leave a marriage as cheaters (and figure the women are lying about cheating).

Also, it is important to note that women who DID LEAVE their marriages because they cheated would NOT POST ON THIS THREAD. Although in the real world we're all anonymous strangers, here on TAM we sort of 'know' each other; doesn't mean a woman who cheated would admit it OUT LOUD on this thread. She'd probably avoid it like the plague for fear of being judged.


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## 2ntnuf

MrK said:


> Still feel that way? EVERY woman who has posted says "no men involved". Every man (but me) says there is. It's a woman's psyche we're talking about. I wonder who's right...


Apparently, I do not understand the question or the statement you made which I commented on or both. I feel there is always a reason for a spouse to "walk away".

Folks don't make a life altering decision without a reason. It doesn't matter if I consider it a good reason or a bad reason. It is good enough for them to leave or "walk away".

There is no such thing. There is always a reason.

Edit: Very few folks "walk away" without someone else there. That does not mean an affair partner, necessarily. It can mean an emotional support partner or friends or family. Even family cannot know what went on in the relationship. They can only draw from their own experience to come to a conclusion. I've seen it many times here on TAM. So many jump to conclusions and I am at times guilty as well.

Again, I am sorry for hurting your feelings. My opinion is mine and I will own it until I have learned a better way.


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## southbound

Well, the reason I started this thread and asked this question in the first place was just to see if it has been most people's experience, either personal experience or that of people they know, that women don't just leave unless there is another man involved. I may be overgeneralizing, but that seems to be the consensus in other threads. Whenever a guy writes about his wife acting strange and giving him the "I don't love you anymore" statements out of the blue, a lot suggest that he should look into the fact that another man may be in the picture.

I know women and men don't just leave for no reason. As one person said, people don't make life altering decisions for no reason. It doesn't matter if others think it is a good reason, but it was a good enough reason for them to walk away; however, I think there are things that reasonable people would consider good reasons and illogical reasons. When a person leaves for illogical reasons, it leaves one wondering what is going on. 

My wife divorced me out of the blue because she was not happy, even though I thought we had no major issues. I was just wondering if it was likely she found someone else who was making her feel good about herself, even though she claimed that was not the case. 

I guess it's difficult to truly relate one's situation through a forum. I read some threads about people wanting out of relationships because they are unhappy, but no major issues are happening and think, "that sounds similar to my situation." In that thread, people act like they understand why the person wants out of the relationship. The next thread comes along with a similar situation and people act like the one wanting out is crazy.


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## SimplyAmorous

Logical will never = happiness though. Your wife was the FEELER, the emotional one, she was HIGH in this, whereas you were HIGH in the THINKING (what is logical is gospel)... huge disconnect. 

If someone is not happy, for whatever reason (even if she is too emotional)... if they feel their spouse is utterly oblivious to this - his attitude ..."what is wrong with her, we have a good marriage". All this will scream ...."he just does not get me!!...and there is nothing I can do....this is who he is".......It would zap something deep inside of such women...feeling the marriage has no hope... 

How important, when the laughter stops in the home, the smiles, the







's (always a sign that something is amiss)...to FIGHT for getting back to this place....once again talking to each other , seeking how the other feels, trying to look outside of our lenses to their point of view... ....this is what was needed.....Otherwise one could be silently drowning right beside us. 

I would even PREFER someone to FIGHT WITH...at least the emotions would be stirred... over one who seemed content to just carry on in *APATHY* .... 

Read this article SOUTHBOUND... A is for Apathy: What Happens when You Don't Care Anymore?  I feel this is what is happening to the majority of these Walk away wives...



> Apathy, unconcern, indifference, lack of interest, lack of emotion. It's what creeps into the marriage when one or both spouses aren't watchful.
> 
> *§* It happens when they allow the fire for each other to go out.
> 
> *§ *It happens when couples fill their individual lives with other people, events and interests to the point that the otherness is preferred over togetherness.
> 
> *§* It's when your husband stops chasing after you.
> 
> *§* It's when a couple shares a bed and not much else.
> 
> *§ *It's when you look at him and wonder where your husband went.
> 
> *§* It's when he looks at you, and he is too exhausted to try anymore.
> 
> *§* It's when you no longer grieve when you hear about someone else's divorce, because you personally know how it can happen.
> 
> No, my pre-marriage mentors didn't warn me that apathy could steal the joy and suck the love out of a relationship. Of course, if they had, I would have believed my marriage would be the exception.


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## Halien

southbound said:


> My wife divorced me out of the blue because she was not happy, even though I thought we had no major issues. I was just wondering if it was likely she found someone else who was making her feel good about herself, even though she claimed that was not the case.


A couple of times, you've described your wife's abandonment this way, and I couldn't help but notice that it reveals two distinct, yet common ways of looking at things. Kind've a glass half full/half empty argument.

You mention that there were not any major issues, but what if your wife was focused almost entirely upon very unrealistic expectations of marriage? Sure, there were no major problems, but what if she expected something out of marriage that is nearly impossible without a mature understanding of love? You don't have to read many threads on the site before you stumble across new members who seem to expect that marriage somehow should be an eternally blissful state, without having to put in a whole lot of hard work to grow the relationship deeper. They don't realize that you eventually see your partner without the blinders on, and mature love is all about getting to the place where you still love and appreciate them anyway, because of the committment they show to meeting her needs.

So, sometimes, these expectations can be unrealistic. I've seen posts where you described the love you had for your wife, and how that inspired you to work harder. You've examined your motives, and asked the hard questions, so what more can you do?

But I've also seen the opposite case. I've seen plenty of different kinds of men, who believe the mantra that real love is about accepting each other as is, yet discounting the need to learn more about her needs, to maintain a strong marriage. There's no understanding of the need to grow in maturity as the marriage evolves. A woman in this type of situation can lose faith in the possibility of a mutually fulfilling marriage.


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## southbound

Halien said:


> A couple of times, you've described your wife's abandonment this way, and I couldn't help but notice that it reveals two distinct, yet common ways of looking at things. Kind've a glass half full/half empty argument.
> 
> You mention that there were not any major issues, but what if your wife was focused almost entirely upon very unrealistic expectations of marriage? Sure, there were no major problems, but what if she expected something out of marriage that is nearly impossible without a mature understanding of love? You don't have to read many threads on the site before you stumble across new members who seem to expect that marriage somehow should be an eternally blissful state, without having to put in a whole lot of hard work to grow the relationship deeper. They don't realize that you eventually see your partner without the blinders on, and mature love is all about getting to the place where you still love and appreciate them anyway, because of the committment they show to meeting her needs.
> 
> I feel this is how it was with her. I think she failed to see all the positive things we had in our marriage because it was overshadowed by her unrealistic, immature, expectations of marriage. From some conversations we had, I think she also believed it was more my role to please her than it was hers to please me. If I didn't get everything I wanted, that was ok because i was the guy, but if I really loved her, I should be bending over backwards to meet all her needs. I don't think she had a clue that her lack of interest in sex could have an emotional impact on me. I should still be "Mr. Happy" all the time. Her family was very dramatic. I've often said that they only know two emotions; happy and angry. If one wasn't joyous all the time or made a slightly negative comment, they thought you had to be angry. I don't think any man could fully meet her expectations. She may find a guy who meets the things that I wasn't, but i assure you he will be lacking in other areas.
> 
> So, sometimes, these expectations can be unrealistic. I've seen posts where you described the love you had for your wife, and how that inspired you to work harder. You've examined your motives, and asked the hard questions, so what more can you do?
> 
> 
> What else can i do? Nothing. I guess i'm just searching for answers. When one believes something to be one way all their life and then has that belief totally rearranged, it's difficult to comprehend. Thanks for the comments.


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## bobby5

I could annoy a lot of people with this stereotype but I think (generally but not absolutely) the problem comes down to women finding a man who seems just about right and believing she can help him mature in to her mate. Men find women they think are perfect and pray they wont change. The man doesnt change and the woman does. At least one person is gonna feel hard done by.

Id like a womans take on my story. 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/61513-need-woman-explain-me.html#post1233353


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## cantmove

EleGirl said:


> Because they think they can get away with it. They think that their wife will never find out.



I disagree. If my stbx had truly been in love with me, he wouldn't have started cheating in the first place.


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## maincourse99

In my situation, on d-day my wife told me she was in love with another man. A few weeks later, after she got her own place, she said that she didn't leave me for him. Then a couple of weeks later, she says maybe she's infatuated with him.

Then a month later as they are planning to get an apartment together, she calls and asks to come home, she still loves me. The next day she backtracks from that and moves in with him a week later, telling me she's "in a relationship" with him.

I file for divorce. On our court date, she starts crying and tells me how much she loves me and what a huge mistake it was to leave me, but no request to reconcile. 

The reason I'm relating this is IMO, people get confused as to what they think they want and need. We were married 18 years, she has childhood abuse issues, she's a very complicated person, and I have given up trying to figure out. Let her be someone else's problem.

I did my absolute best, not perfect, but my best. Sometimes there is no way to figure out what a person is thinking or what they are going through internally that motivates them to act in a certain way.

There is nothing she could say or do in the future in the future that would surprise me.


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## EleGirl

cantmove said:


> I disagree. If my stbx had truly been in love with me, he wouldn't have started cheating in the first place.


It takes more than love for a person to have good character, be honest, not cheat, etc.

I think it's an unrealistic expectation of love that it cures all of a person's faults.

Your stbx might have been falling out of love with you or not been in love with you at all and thus cheated.

Or your stbx might have truly been in love with you but had a very bad character flaw.

Love is not a cure all. We tend to have unrealistic expectations of love in this society.

Do we even really know what love means? Is it a feeling that we get? Is it a set of behaviors? I don't think that you will find a definition that everyone will agree with.


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## MaritimeGuy

EleGirl said:


> It takes more than love for a person to have good character, be honest, not cheat, etc.
> 
> I think it's an unrealistic expectation of love that it cures all of a person's faults.
> 
> Your stbx might have been falling out of love with you or not been in love with you at all and thus cheated.
> 
> Or your stbx might have truly been in love with you but had a very bad character flaw.
> 
> Love is not a cure all. We tend to have unrealistic expectations of love in this society.
> 
> Do we even really know what love means? Is it a feeling that we get? Is it a set of behaviors? I don't think that you will find a definition that everyone will agree with.


Wow that's kind of a scary thought. It makes sense...but scary.


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## southbound

maincourse99 said:


> The reason I'm relating this is IMO, people get confused as to what they think they want and need. We were married 18 years, she has childhood abuse issues, she's a very complicated person, and I have given up trying to figure out. Let her be someone else's problem.
> 
> I did my absolute best, not perfect, but my best. Sometimes there is no way to figure out what a person is thinking or what they are going through internally that motivates them to act in a certain way.
> 
> There is nothing she could say or do in the future in the future that would surprise me.


.

I agree. I think people can get confused and make hasty decisions. I, too, did my best with the knowledge i had at the time. Nobody's perfect, but I did the best to be a good husband in the way that i was raised. Maybe if i had come to TAM earlier I could have learned a few things, but I wasn't trying to be a movie star, just a good husband. I guess my problem is that i still am trying to figure out what she was thinking, but I suppose i never will and should just let it go.


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## Mo24

Lets see, my wife and i moved 800 miles. she went from full time job to full time SAHM. She was late 30s. She started hanging out with old HS friends when we moved back, one of which was separated from her husband for no other reason than she just didnt love him (and conveniently was dating his best friend behind his back). My wife got her first tatoo. My wife started spending GNO over at her friends apt instead of coming home. Then she started getting brazilian waxed though we were in a nearly sexless marriage. 

Technically she didnt leave for another man but I am quite sure she had one or more in mind when she left. Our that was about 9 months ago. She is on her third BF since then. She claims complete innocence and I dont doubt that when our kids are older she will transform into the victim. 

Oh, yeah she did make comments to me about us 'dating again' a week before she started her most recent relationship. Said she wanted to jump my bones. I dont think she has any idea WHAT she wants. A MLC that looks like it may last awhile. 

How long do they normally last? A year or two? five?


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## magnolia2014

oliviapeter31 said:


> A woman will not walk away from man if they treat her good.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## WandaJ

"There are other statistics out there that indicate that in college educated couples, women initiate divorce 90% of the time. 

Kind of begs the question, doesn't it?"

not really. they most likely to earn enough to support themselves, and have enough self esteem to finish relationship that does not satisfy them.


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## DoF

Its a mixed back OP. 

They CAN and I'm sure some have, and plenty didn't. 

What does it matter?


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## larry.gray

oliviapeter31 said:


> A woman will not walk away from man if they treat her good.


Here, let me revise that for you:

A woman _mentally fit_will not walk away from man if they treat her good.

My sister is BPD. She's divorced two very good men. The first one's remarried and has been married for 16 years now. His new wife says he's a wonderful, caring guy. That was my initial impression of him - and her sharing that view leads me to think my impression was dead on.


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## larry.gray

Whoa, zombie thread.

But since someone else liked and re-quoted the same post I did, I'm happy with my post.


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## Coffee Amore

Mo24- This thread is nearly two years old. Please feel free to start your own discussion. I'm closing this zombie thread.


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