# father-in-law issues



## mngman

Hello,

I have to first state I have been marrid for 2 years. My wife does not like my father at all! We argue about him everytime his name comes up. He lives out of state, and desires to come visit at times. I have been divorced before and have kids of a previous marriage. My father recently went to my ex-wife house around the holidays to deliver presents to my ex-wifes children. Not his grand daughter, since she was here with me. My father still keeps in contact with my ex-wifes kids, and treats them like they are his. This hurts my wife, and makes her feel not accepted. We confronted him on this, and he said sorry and to forgive him. My wife asked if he was going to do it again, and he stated he is a grown man and will do what he wants. Also his second divorce is not finalized, and he has already found a new mate. Now my wife says my dad disgusts her and he is not allowed in our home. I have forgiven him, and it seems she can never..HELP!


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## stav

So why did he not also give a present to your daughter with your current wife? That would piss me off too, I have to say. 

I find it hard to belive that she would ban him from the house forever just for that though. Lots of spouses fail to get on with their in laws, but normally tolerate them for the sake of their partner, at least for the odd visit.

He lives a long way away so it's not like he is there every week.

Perhaps sitting down with your wife, and discussing it properly may bring other reasons to light.. Perhaps reasons you can do something about.


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## mngman

I do not have kids with my current wife..My daughter with my ex was here with me for a visit around the holidays. My father drove about 4 hours away to see my ex's kids, bring presents, and stayed the night in her house. He then came down here to visit us and things got out of hand..My wife doesnt understand why he had to stay and visit, if his grand-daughter was here with us. She is upset because he asks for forgiveness, but wont promise he wont do it again..Also, he left my step mom after 25 years, and yes she was a piece of work, but never took time for himself, he immediatley had another woman before it was finalizes..Now my wife says he was cheating on her, and probably cheated on my mom.


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## Immortalone

I guess I would have to ask first off. How close was your father to your now ex's kids when you were married? Did he treat them as his own grandkids. If so then why do you think that if you and your ex had split up that means he divorces kids that he treats as his grandkids? This is one thing I will never understand. If two people decide to divorce why do they think that means the familey must divorce each other also?


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## mngman

he was close to them when i was married to her..Tehy live in diferent states, and i have anew wife that feels she is not accepted by him, due to the fact he still travel to them stays the nite, and buys presents for kids that are not mine.She feels he should only go to see his grandaughter. She confronted him and said sorry and forgive me..My new wife asked if he would go see them again, and he relplied im a grown man and I will do what I want!..She wont forgive him because he asks for forgivness and will do it again...Just recently she told me my dad is no longer allowed in our home and he disgusts her..Things are out of hand!..


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## Immortalone

It sounds to me like your new wife is demanding that your father basicaly divorce children that he considers to be his grandkids. personaly I find her to be realy self centered on this subject. To me that would be the same as if she said sorry but you can't see any child you had from a prevous marriage. Thats just wrong no matter how you look at it. Maybe you need to talk to him alone. Explane that she is feeling uncared about and maybe he could spend some quality time with her. She should not be telling him not to see what he conceaves as his grandkids thouogh. Nothing else think about how painfull for the kids that would be.


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## mngman

thankyou..this thread has been great!..The kids he is seeing is not in any way, shape, or form related to him or me..They are kids of my ex-wifes new husband..Just hope you understand..While I will never agree with his decisions, I or anyone is not in a place to judge anyone..Including my current wife..I am standing my ground with her after she told me last nite he disgusts her in regard to him seeing kids that are not his, and the fact that he has a new girlfriend 1 month after telling his wife he wants a divorce..My current wife thinks he cheated on her due to the fact they got together right after he filed for divorce..That being said, I dont have to agree with his decisions, or judge him, just love him because he is my father!..Trust me my current wife will understand that while she diesnt have to like him, for her to say he disgusts her and he is not welcome in our home will not be tolerated by me!..Who knows where this will go, but I will stand my ground with her.


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## tater03

I do think that going so far as to not allow him in the house is taking it a bit to far in my opinion. I think this might be one of those things that to keep the peace she should meet your father half way on.


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## mngman

I agree..he comes every once in a while..I dont think she has the right to tel me he's not welcome in our home..Also the comments from her that "he disgusts me" have hurt me along with the fact she doesnt want him in the house..To make matters worse I have 2 other kids that cant come into my home due to the fact the are highly allergic to cats. The courts will and have asked the cats to be removed, but she gets very upset since they are her cats...It just seems i cant have a relationship with my kids with her. She cares about losing her cats, but what about my kids..I could go up north and bring them down to stay in a hotel, but thats no relationship..They are just cats, I know she cares about them, but what gives! They are my kids, and they deserve to stay with their dad in his house...Another battle..Some times it seems i cant ever win...All I want is to have a relationship with love, compromise with my wife, parents, and my kids...Seems latley that wont happen with her....


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## Andrea

Immortalone said:


> If two people decide to divorce why do they think that means the familey must divorce each other also?


This is a really good question.....

my thinking on this subject is it all depends on the family. i was so torn when i divorced my ex. i loved his family. i love his sister like my own. my nieces and nephews too. How was i suppose to just "let them go" when i have loved them for so long? its hard. his sister and i still talk allthe time, his nephew even still plays WoW with me. I even have a better relationship with his mom now. His other siblings i dont talk to much. 

On the subject about the wife getting upset about the dad visiting his "other" granchildren....it seems to me that she maybe jealous. it is hard to let go of family that you have been with for awhile. and i am sure it isnt any easier when kids are involved. 

I really do hope your wife can let this go and see that it really isnt that big of a deal. I dont see why it could piss her off. Honestly, it has NOTHING to do with her and he is a grown man and can do whatever he wants to do. she has no right to judge him or ANYONE for that matter. how dare she say that he isnt allowed in the house?? i mean, wtf?! im sorry but that is very selfish and rude. nobody should ask you to choose between family and anything, to me, family will ALWAYS come first.

You just can let go of "family" that easily even if they arent blood related.

edit to add: and yes, my husband knows i still talk to my ex's family and he is totally cool with it. he has even let my ex sister in law stay with us when she came to visit.


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## draconis

When my wife first met me I already had been married once and had a child. Over 10 years of marriage she has from the first day of meeting my son from wife one treated him like her own. If we ever went our seperate ways this would never stop. Nor would I want it too.

My mother-in-law too treats my son as her grandchild and even calls him her oldest grandchild. She too would never forget him. Your father has a healthy relationship with those kids and good for him and them.

She will not give up HER cats for YOUR children? What does that say right there? She has priorities and nothing comes before her or what she wants including you or your children.

Sorry but kids should always be first.

Second, how dare her forbid your father from coming to your house? 

draconis


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## juls

Immortalone said:


> It sounds to me like your new wife is demanding that your father basicaly divorce children that he considers to be his grandkids. personaly I find her to be realy self centered on this subject. To me that would be the same as if she said sorry but you can't see any child you had from a prevous marriage. Thats just wrong no matter how you look at it. Maybe you need to talk to him alone. Explane that she is feeling uncared about and maybe he could spend some quality time with her. She should not be telling him not to see what he conceaves as his grandkids thouogh. Nothing else think about how painfull for the kids that would be.



:iagree:

Kids come first and if your wife needs to take a step back look in the mirror and find out that her real issue is probably jealosy.....:


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