# Standing on the edge



## SCmomOf4 (Sep 17, 2010)

Good morning. I am a new member of this forum and I've been reading some really good posts and hope that advice will be given to me.
My husband and I have been married for 13 years, together 15. I had two daughters when we met and we have 2 daughters together. My issue with him is he doesn't want to be a part of our family until he wants to say no to something. 
He is lazy and does not want to get a job, but also does not help out at home. Our oldest daughter is handicapped (21) and really needs adult supervision so he says he can't work because he takes care of her. I work M-F from 5a-1p and Sat 7a-8:30a (I work at a Methadone clinic). I keep telling him you could get something 2nd or 3rd shift or even take her to my step dad and I could pick her up on the way home. It's not something that he will even discuss with me.

He stays locked in our bedroom all day watching TV. He only comes out for dinner. We used to eat at the table as a family (the girls' and I still do) but now he eats in the bedroom. He sleeps the better part of the day away.

When I do try to talk to him, the only thing he says is "whatever" or "Ok Donna". We don't discuss, I try and talk to him about anything, he wants to argue. His word is law and no one is allowed to disagree with him. Ever. He threatens to call the cops on our girls' friends all the time, because he will want them to leave the house. 

Our two middle girls are 13 and 15. He doesn't speak to them unless he is yelling at them. He thinks it's ok to curse at them, his favorite word to use is F***. They both have no respect for him and don't want to have anything to do with him. I've told him not to speak to them like that, he punched the pantry door and broke it.

So I guess I'm just looking for advice. 
Thank you.


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## Brioli (Sep 6, 2010)

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this, but your husband has definite maturity issues, or so it seems (I know that they all do, but not this bad).

Your husband has become your son, and has no consideration for the rest of the family. He is acting like the teenager whose siblings are getting on his nerves. You are mom, because you have chosen to be.

I don’t mean to be harsh, but his behavior is unacceptable. You did not have those girls by yourself and at this point (as old as they are) you cannot stay in this marriage with the excuse that it’s “best for them”. Please understand, I can only go by what you have written here, and what you have written here is a huge cause to be concerned.

Your husband is not only expecting you to take care of him and the girls, but he is taking you for granted and shucking all of his responsibilities. He has forgotten how lucky he is to have you and his daughters. 

On another note…

He could be clinically depressed, and if this is the case then he needs help right away. I don’t know if he has always been this way or just recently, but either way it’s not fair to you or your children.

If he refuses to get help, I would leave. Think about the example he is setting for your girls. Do you want your daughters to grow up thinking that it’s ok for a man to do this to them? I know you don’t, but you need to really think about what they are learning from his behavior. There are so many good, supportive, and involved men out there. I know you don’t want them to end up with someone who does what your husband is doing.

If it’s depression, then you need to come up with a plan of action to help him. If he has always been this way, then you need to leave him or make him leave. It’s the best way to show your daughters that it’s not “ok” for fathers to be this way. Show them how to respect themselves and others.

I’m not saying get divorced yet, but what I am saying is to separate. Sometimes that is the wake-up-call they need. Now if it’s depression, it can’t do more harm than good….so I would definitely evaluate your situation and just take the best course of action. Only you know if it has always been like this, or if this is something new in the last few years…..Either way, do not let things continue like this. You must take action, if not for your sake, than for your girls.


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