# I feel like my husband has chosen his family over me...



## Aikaterine (12 mo ago)

Can we survive?

The last 5 years have not been easy, We started off Rocky from the start. Husband had 3 children from previous relationships I had none... we ended up having a child together a couple of years ago. Things were okay for a while but then slowly situations would happen... very minor ones that would blow up into really big ones. Like things I felt like my husband should have had my back over. 

First his Mother and I bumped heads because I wanted to start our own traditions with Holidays etc... and in me doing that I was trying to rip the family apart? 

Then his sister removed me from social media and texted my husband telling him she couldn't accept me and did not like me because ""she acts like shes better than us, none of us like the way she treats you""
my husband at first defended me but then when we all got together for holidays he started talking to them like nothing had happened. 

Since all of that happened... the family has started treating me differently... his mother called to check on us and the phone was going crazy i kept saying hello... she was with all of the family at a part that evening and said "surpise, she hung up on me!" 
I guess after that his family texted him or called him because he came out of the bedroom yelling and cussing at me telling me what a piece of crap i was and that i was nothing but drama! he put his hand over my mouth and screamed into my ear telling me his mom never done nothing wrong and that I was aB***h. 

We haven't spoke in days. I just feel like physically and emotionally i have nothing more to give.. but at same time heartbroken because of these children ive had a hand in raising and the family falling apart... but the more i type and think about it.. we really never were solid to begin with.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It may help if you both got some MC. Its a challenging situation to marry into when the existing three children are already well established into the family and they probably enjoy the times they spend with their grandparents and other family members, especially at holidays. 
When you say you wanted to make your own traditions what did you mean? Did that involve not seeing his family?


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## Aikaterine (12 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> It may help if you both got some MC. Its a challenging situation to marry into when the existing three children are already well established into the family and they probably enjoy the times they spend with their grandparents and other family members, especially at holidays.
> When you say you wanted to make your own traditions what did you mean? Did that involve not seeing his family?


No not at all.. He wanted to spend all holidays at his families home or with his family... I was willing to give up thanksgiving and christmas eve but wanted to have christmas day at home with our kids. 
His children are all under the age of 10,I adopted one of them..We did stop spending a lot of time with his family when we got together but that was only because before i came along he was getting help from his mother raising them and used to having them all help him/be there everyday.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Did they spend more time with his family when he was married before?


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## Aikaterine (12 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Did they spend more time with his family when he was married before?


Yup one of the reasons his first wife left... that and said he was to controlling but she also left behind her child too.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Chose yourself. Since hes choosing his family. Now you probably know why he’s divorced.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

When he put his hands over your mouth you should have called the cops. 
I will go to the grave believing this, when someone puts their hands on you in an abusive manner you stop it in it’s tracks because the next time could be your last minute on earth. 
And I include both sexes in this statement.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Aikaterine said:


> Yup one of the reasons his first wife left... that and said he was to controlling but she also left behind her child too.


I am sure that with some good MC and compromise you can work through this. You have children to think of and they sound as if they have lived an unsettled life already.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> I am sure that with some good MC and compromise you can work through this. You have children to think of and they sound as if they have lived an unsettled life already.


He put his hand over her mouth and screamed at her! She needs a divorce.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

frusdil said:


> He put his hand over her mouth and screamed at her! She needs a divorce.


Its clearly a charged situation for them both. That's why some outside help and guidance would be a good thing, at least the the 4 children's sakes it's worth trying.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Its clearly a charged situation for them both. That's why some outside help and guidance would be a good thing, at least the the 4 children's sakes it's worth trying.


DV is never ok, and especially not when there’s children around.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

frusdil said:


> DV is never ok, and especially not when there’s children around.


Agreed. Its not ok. That's why they need help.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Aikaterine said:


> Can we survive?
> 
> The last 5 years have not been easy, We started off Rocky from the start. Husband had 3 children from previous relationships I had none... we ended up having a child together a couple of years ago. Things were okay for a while but then slowly situations would happen... very minor ones that would blow up into really big ones. Like things I felt like my husband should have had my back over.
> 
> ...


He sounds like an abusive jerk. I think when you have a house full of kids there's nothing wrong with having your own holidays and making your own traditions but as you well know, other relatives may have objections to that because they want to keep things their way. 

The main thing here is he's not working with you on this and he was abusive to you. I don't ever think you should stay with someone who's abusive to you. I don't see how this could get better for you because it's all them against you. I'm not saying you're perfect because I don't know you but he was physically abusive with you doing that and he isn't standing up for you like you should for your wife. 

If it hasn't really been working then I don't know why you would try to hang on to it. If you get divorced you can share custody 50/50 and you can do every other year with the holidays having the kids and at least get it your way every other year.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I can fully understand that with 4 children, one together one adopted and 2 step children that you are reluctant to blow up their lives poor kids. 

Ask him if you can get a qualified third party to mediate and enable you to come to an agreeable compromise. 

His mother has helped bring the children up so she and the family and the children are probably very close so I get that they are used to being together for important days. 

I am sure this can be sorted and he must feel pulled in both directions trying to please everyone. Not excusing the way he acted at all, but it's something that should be able to be worked out in time if you both work on it. 
That's why it's hard marrying someone with children. There are extra complications involved but if you are both determined then it's not something that should have too lead to the drastic situation of a divorce.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You had some power to change some of this. When the sister said you acted like a snob, that was your cue to talk to her & show that you did not think you were better than her. Sometimes that doesn't work. My husband's family thinks that about me. I just let is roll off my back & hang with the ones who do like me. Not every family does the same things the same way. When you want to make drastic changes, you rock the boat & ruffle feathers. That is what happened here 

Your husband did try to back you but you didn't do much to help him either. 

MC would be a good idea. You both need to share your perspective but also understand the other one's POV


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## Aikaterine (12 mo ago)

Thank You all for the advice... I have been seeing a therapist for the past year. My husband refuses to do counselling of any sort with me. Diana7 I understand where you are coming from but.. his family really is not that active in his children's lives. His mother did a lot for him when i first came along but that was moreso because I assume she was all he had. 
His family at one point was very united.. but as time went on people started making comments, little things cousins, sister, mom etc... just little hurtful stuff that implied to me they didn't really care for me or love me at all. I just started to put my children and husbands children first and that is really when it all went downhill for me. 

I used to be very outspoken and I think that is what ruffled feathers... I have yet to confront the sister or say anything to his grandmother. Since counselling I have learned to use more coping skills etc.. but the last few weeks have been really hard. 

I feel like no matter what i do or what i say... or who I am My husband will always put his family first before me and most of all not ever be in my corner when it comes to his family. 

I do think about these 4 children... I love them all as if I gave birth to them as i did my biological child. I believe it is the reason i have held onto the marriage as long as I have... i too.. came from a broken home.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

There are some cases where step parent has been granted some visitation with the children. I imagine a lot of that would depend on their bio mother. Are any of them teenagers to wear they could see you if they wanted to once they turn 18? Because even if it was only one of them who was free to do what they pleased and wanted to see you, it would be a connection to the others. 

I know that could be a heartbreaking situation but it does sound like they have a lot of people fighting over them already. Probably wouldn't be very much fun to stay involved with the family if you get out of it.. you can keep up with them with social media as long as you were low-key about it and didn't stir up the family to the point where they wanted to put a stop to it.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I do t like that it’s escalated to this screaming in your ear thing and using the b-word, that must have felt terrible. That’s not cool.

How did you both meet & how did your other marriages end? Were his family initially accepting of you?

You don’t mention either of your exes causing issues, so that’s one plus for you both.


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## Aikaterine (12 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> How did you both meet & how did your other marriages end? Were his family initially accepting of you?
> 
> You don’t mention either of your exes causing issues, so that’s one plus for you both.


Lucky I am about 4 years older than my husband. My first marriage I was young, had just turned 18. We were married and courted each other for nearly a decade when it all ended. My first husband was 10 years older than me. We fought everyday and husband began being unfaithful... I was working 2 jobs and just let work consume me, eventually I worked up the courage to leave him and start a new life. It did not take me long to meet my current and began courting one another. We met at work, I was just then enjoying the single life and we swept into a full force relationship he was broken so was i but we both were like fire and ice we really loved one another. My husband had his first 2 children with a childhood sweetheart, they were never married but an off and on again relationship. He met his ex wife while him and the ex gf were taking a break. He got married quick and had another child with his ex wife... she had a long history of emotional and physical abuse from her parents.. her father was alcoholic and her mother passed away about 4 months after having my now Adopted daughter.. she left my husband and her baby behind.. no notice nothing he came home to his daughter laying in her crib with a text message saying that she couldn't do it anymore. 

I came into their lives when my daughter was 8 months old. 


His family was initially accepting of me he didn't have much of a relationship with his dad (his parents were divorced) He was bonded more with his stepdad and me and him have always got along great. My husband is a die hard mommas boy always has been. Me and her bumped heads a lot in the past but are finally at a good place in our lives we get along really well.. his dad, sister and cousins are and were not so accepting. Lots of arguments and drama.. most of them over social media. 

If i would post a quote or a poem they would assume that i was putting something about my personal life on there... 

I once reacted to a family members post with a laughing emoji and a heart... i got blamed for starting drama... 

and then this last situation.. his sister took it upon herself to delete me from facebook and then text my husband privately telling him that they did not like me and that i needed to stop posting things about my husband on facebook... 

My husband has access to my facebook and I do not put anything about my marriage on there. 

I just feel like there has been a big riff in the family since all this has happened. 

and now that my husband is not taking my side or supporting me just makes things worse... 

He told me friday that I should never make him choose between him or his family... i told him id never want him to do something like that but i did want him to take up for me... and if it ultimately came down to it you should always choose your spouse! 

I have had situations in my side of the family and I was always quick to come to my husbands side/aide/rescue... he never has done the same for me.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> When he put his hands over your mouth you should have called the cops.
> I will go to the grave believing this, when someone puts their hands on you in an abusive manner you stop it in it’s tracks because the next time could be your last minute on earth.
> And I include both sexes in this statement.


This was exactly my first thought when I read that. OP, Your husband has serious issues and I doubt things will ever improve much. You should have zero tolerance for this kind of behavior.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Aikaterine said:


> Lucky I am about 4 years older than my husband. My first marriage I was young, had just turned 18. We were married and courted each other for nearly a decade when it all ended. My first husband was 10 years older than me. We fought everyday and husband began being unfaithful... I was working 2 jobs and just let work consume me, eventually I worked up the courage to leave him and start a new life. It did not take me long to meet my current and began courting one another. We met at work, I was just then enjoying the single life and we swept into a full force relationship he was broken so was i but we both were like fire and ice we really loved one another. My husband had his first 2 children with a childhood sweetheart, they were never married but an off and on again relationship. He met his ex wife while him and the ex gf were taking a break. He got married quick and had another child with his ex wife... she had a long history of emotional and physical abuse from her parents.. her father was alcoholic and her mother passed away about 4 months after having my now Adopted daughter.. she left my husband and her baby behind.. no notice nothing he came home to his daughter laying in her crib with a text message saying that she couldn't do it anymore.
> 
> I came into their lives when my daughter was 8 months old.
> 
> ...


Stay off social media.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Aikaterine, 
I think I'm older and wiser than you, I think I've seen more than you have seen. But it's hard to quantify that.
We don't need to understand your timeline or every facebook spat you have had with a sister in law. 
All we need to know is that your husband grabbed your face and yelled obscenities at you. 
Right now you should be in a 6 week police / court enforced separation. The only reason you aren't is because you decided not to report the Assault.
The first step to any healing, learning, relationship growth is that safety separation. You can't move forward with this huge betrayal of trust between you.
That is why everything feels different to you.
Diana is right you won't save this without real professional help.
Andy is right, if you rug sweep this, next time he might seriously injure or even kill you. It happens every day.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Aikaterine said:


> Thank You all for the advice... I have been seeing a therapist for the past year. My husband refuses to do counselling of any sort with me. Diana7 I understand where you are coming from but.. his family really is not that active in his children's lives. His mother did a lot for him when i first came along but that was moreso because I assume she was all he had.
> His family at one point was very united.. but as time went on people started making comments, little things cousins, sister, mom etc... just little hurtful stuff that implied to me they didn't really care for me or love me at all. I just started to put my children and husbands children first and that is really when it all went downhill for me.
> 
> I used to be very outspoken and I think that is what ruffled feathers... I have yet to confront the sister or say anything to his grandmother. Since counselling I have learned to use more coping skills etc.. but the last few weeks have been really hard.
> ...


Would you say his family dislikes you for no reason? You say that you used to be outspoken...so, not anymore?
Did you ever tell them you were trying to make a change, or just hoping they would notice that you were keeping your mouth shut and that would help everyone get along?
Have you ever hung up on any of his family before?

I am also wondering why he would cover your mouth and yell at you...were you yelling at him too? 
I AM NOT blaming you for that - he should never have touched you in anger at all! - but I'm trying to picture what happened before things escalated to that point.

Have you ever put your hands on him at all when you are angry?

If you've spent years having an angry, contentious relationship with them, things are not going to change without some real effort. You can't just suddenly be nicer or not as outspoken and think they are going to respond to you differently - you have a history with them, and THAT is what they will look at to interpret how you act with them, right or wrong.

From what you've described, it sounds like there is NO trust between you and his family, and he is in the middle. You are part of creating that problem, because you expect him to "take your side" no matter what...but what if he really believes you are wrong? Have you given him space and allowance to talk to you about what makes him comfortable with them and how YOU can help HIM with them? Or has it been You vs. Them over these years??

They dynamic you are describing is going to be very difficult to change without serious continued effort, and if you are an angry person, it makes it that much harder.


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## Aikaterine (12 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Stay off social media.


Avoiding facebook is rather impossible in my family... we all have hearing loss and it comes in handy with our family group chats for our family emergencies and get togethers. That is sadly how all the communicating is done on my side. It works for us! It is also how me and the Birth mother of the stepdaughters communicates. She had it put in the court order that she wanted to do all communication through "husbands spouse "insert name" via messenger or email. 

The only people who seem to have issues with me surrounding social media is husbands family?


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## Aikaterine (12 mo ago)

Mr. Nail said:


> Aikaterine,
> I think I'm older and wiser than you, I think I've seen more than you have seen. But it's hard to quantify that.
> We don't need to understand your timeline or every facebook spat you have had with a sister in law.


sorry Mr.Nail I believe someone in the thread had asked me all that it is why I responded to it. My apologies.


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## Aikaterine (12 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> Would you say his family dislikes you for no reason? You say that you used to be outspoken...so, not anymore?
> Did you ever tell them you were trying to make a change, or just hoping they would notice that you were keeping your mouth shut and that would help everyone get along?
> Have you ever hung up on any of his family before?
> 
> ...


Lisa, I reflect back on the years together and I have went through a lot of therapy for that same question you asked... I fought within myself and would blame myself for every argument etc... I am a very insecure person. When I say Outspoken I mean that... I was always joining in with family conversations, we were always getting along with one another.. i was able to be myself and share my opinions and accomplishments etc. 

I have always had a problem though when it came to conflict and standing up for myself.. I shut down and sink into depression.. I have yet to confront the sister or speak with her. and I start isolating.. I don't want to go to family gatherings etc.. and it makes it harder when i feel like my husband is not in my corner..

The only person who I feel has earned a right to hate me or dislike me would be my husbands mother... Her and I have had hard moments together... there were many times in the past that i said things i didn;t mean and she had said things she didn't mean out of hurt and anger... but in the end we just loved each other more for it and were grown enough to admit when we were wrong. 

No, I have never hit my husband... but I do have a tendency to argue back with him. I tried to ignore him and be quiet but it would make him get more angry and get in my face screaming and yelling so i fight back with him. 

I always tell him I will never let a man control me and if he is going to abuse me etc he will just have to kill me before i back down from letting him get one up on me.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Aikaterine said:


> Avoiding facebook is rather impossible in my family... we all have hearing loss and it comes in handy with our family group chats for our family emergencies and get togethers. That is sadly how all the communicating is done on my side. It works for us! It is also how me and the Birth mother of the stepdaughters communicates. She had it put in the court order that she wanted to do all communication through "husbands spouse "insert name" via messenger or email.
> 
> The only people who seem to have issues with me surrounding social media is husbands family?


Block those you have problems with.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Aikaterine said:


> Lisa, I reflect back on the years together and I have went through a lot of therapy for that same question you asked... I fought within myself and would blame myself for every argument etc... I am a very insecure person. When I say Outspoken I mean that... I was always joining in with family conversations, we were always getting along with one another.. i was able to be myself and share my opinions and accomplishments etc.
> 
> I have always had a problem though when it came to conflict and standing up for myself.. I shut down and sink into depression.. I have yet to confront the sister or speak with her. and I start isolating.. I don't want to go to family gatherings etc.. and it makes it harder when i feel like my husband is not in my corner..
> 
> ...


Do you think that by shutting down you make yourself more of a target?

It sounds like you have a problem with communication (which is understandable, most people do!)....I didn't see this in your posts, but I might have missed it - have you ever been to counseling with your husband, or suggested it to him?
You NEED to learn a way to communicate with eachother when angry and emotional, and to make requests of eachother and to set boundaries with eachother. And be a TEAM. 

And I don't think you can figure that out alone.

And he needs to understand that overpowering you physically, even if he would never "hurt" you, is WRONG, and crossing a line that can never be un-crossed. You need to understand that as well, and if you are going to stay with him, that needs to NEVER happen again.


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## Aikaterine (12 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> Do you think that by shutting down you make yourself more of a target?
> 
> It sounds like you have a problem with communication (which is understandable, most people do!)....I didn't see this in your posts, but I might have missed it - have you ever been to counseling with your husband, or suggested it to him?


Oh Yes, Absolutely I believe it does. My therapist has advised me to speak with the family member and let her know how I feel on everything and let them know its not ok to treat me this way. ( I find that for me doing that right now is just impossible, I am afraid that by expressing myself and my discord that , once again the family will blame me for drama)

Yes I shared it in beginning of the thread, he refuses to do any sort of MC or one on one at all. It has been a real strain on our marriage. I began the Mental Health counselling about a year ago and it has worked wonders for me.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Aikaterine said:


> Oh Yes, Absolutely I believe it does. My therapist has advised me to speak with the family member and let her know how I feel on everything and let them know its not ok to treat me this way. ( I find that for me doing that right now is just impossible, I am afraid that by expressing myself and my discord that , once again the family will blame me for drama)
> 
> Yes I shared it in beginning of the thread, he refuses to do any sort of MC or one on one at all. It has been a real strain on our marriage. I began the Mental Health counselling about a year ago and it has worked wonders for me.


Well, there are many books on communication in marriage, as well as communication with family and toxic people in general. I would check out a few of those, even ask your therapist for a few recommendations to help you.

My EX was impossible to communicate with - unless he monopolized the entire dialog, he turned into an angry, reactive bully. I always felt like I was trying to dig through a brick wall with my fingers. 
(That's NOT why we split up, although that's one reason we couldn't resolve any problems)

Instead of confronting his family members, maybe it would be more helpful and authentic if you just TOLD them you are struggling with this, and you really do love them all and want to enjoy being a family together. That you realize YOU have some weaknesses, but you are coming from a place of love for them, and fear for yourself. And then ask for suggestions from them about how you could all communicate better, and listen to them.

The problem for you, I think, is your insecurity. It sounds like that makes you defensive instead of receptive. You struggle to hear bad feelings from other people because that makes you feel bad about yourself, so you try to reject what you are told and try to defend yourself....instead of receiving the information objectively and considering how the person relaying it feels. 

You need to remember that just because someone is unhappy with you, that does NOT mean that it's YOU...many times, it's that person's problem. If you react with empathy towards their feelings, you can understand and strengthen your connection with them through your response, instead of damaging it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

To answer your question, no I don’t think the two of you will survive. I wouldn’t tolerate a man putting his hands on me in anger. Sounds like you were his rebound relationship if your adopted daughter was only eight months old when you met her and her mom was his rebound relationship from his other children’s mom? Looks like a pattern to me and he’ll probably repeat it at some point, IMO. He isn’t likely to support you over his family so you’ll have to ignore them or move on.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Do you want to know how to get your husband to go to counseling?
At this juncture he thinks he has not done anything wrong.
He grew up with this kind of abuse. He has practiced this kind of abuse through 2 long term relationships.
You need to send a clear message to him that #1 this is Wrong, and #2 You won't live with it. And his mother needs that message as well.
You can't get him to come to the table, You are going to have to create a situation where the only access he has to you is by going to the table.


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## 24NitroglyceriN26 (11 mo ago)

Aikaterine said:


> Can we survive?
> 
> The last 5 years have not been easy, We started off Rocky from the start. Husband had 3 children from previous relationships I had none... we ended up having a child together a couple of years ago. Things were okay for a while but then slowly situations would happen... very minor ones that would blow up into really big ones. Like things I felt like my husband should have had my back over.
> 
> ...


That is spooky. It will depend on how each of you act when speaking again.


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