# How to talk to child



## laniegirl84 (Sep 3, 2013)

We are divorcing and I am moving out next Saturday. My four year old is very excited about the new house and can't wait. I've explained that Daddy isn't coming with us and that half the time he will still live with Daddy. I've told him that we both love him very much and that he is the most important thing in our lives. I have told him that it is exciting to move to a new place, but it is also ok to be sad and angry if he ever feels that way. His response? "Why would I be sad and angry?" 

I'm worried that he is taking this too well. He knows it is not just a short trip, but it is forever (whetever that means to a four year old). Is there any way to conceptualize and anticipate what sort of reaction he may have? Is he just that ok with change? Or are we in for it when it all becomes real?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He's too young to understand what divorce and separation are about.. until he actually experiences them.

So just play it by ear. When he has a question answer it. When he's upset deal with it. 

Kids that young live in real-time. So deal with the issues as they arise in real-time.


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## Butterfly1014 (Jul 24, 2014)

I know how you feel. My H left a little over a month ago and he hasn't kept a regular visitation with our son, even though I tried to establish one when he left. Our son is also autistic, high functioning but has a lot of anger and behaviors and keeping a routine is important. If you and your STBX can establish a routine and keep the drop off, pick up civil he might be able to adjust easier but I have to warn you there still maybe backlash as he gets older. Children are so innocent in the choas are lives are in. My heart breaks every time my son looks out the window looking for his dad to come home, we hope that this won't affect them but it always does. Sorry still hurt here.


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## Seuferwoman (Jun 8, 2014)

My H left almost two months ago and we have a almost three year old son. At first my son was just convinced my H was at work. And every morning his usual times at home were full of questions and lashing out. The. About two weeks in my so. Began the don't leave me stage and now anytime I leave the room, put him to bed, drop him off at school he screams don't leave me. He then refused to sleep in his own bed and said he needed me. He has night mares a lot and calls out for his daddy in his sleep and begs him not to leave him. After about a month his nightmares started to back off. He began acting out at this point and would hit and yell and break things on purpose. He the. Wouldn't hAve anything to do with my H when he would come to visit and would tell him to go to his house. Now that we are at about two months he has quit the tantrums and he is happy to see his dad when he comes. He still will not sleep in his own bed even if I move him to it once he falls asleep. He wakes within five minutes and comes back to my bed and tells me not to leave him again. 

I also tried to explain to hi. How we now have two houses and that daddy will come see him when ever he can. My H doesn't live somewhere he can take out son so that makes it more difficult than your situation. I have kept a lot of patience for my son and realize he is probably hurting as much as I am. When he has hard days I sit at his level and talk with him and ask him question about how he feels. My counselor has said that this is the best approach and that his sleeping with me is common after a separation for his age. 

Good luck in the future. Keep in mind your little ones life is changing and you need to have patience to help them understand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## missmylife4 (Jul 22, 2014)

I'm going through a similar situation- Tonight my wife and I had a fight as she was leaving to see her OP- in the heat of the argument she yelled to our 7 year old and 5 year old, your parents are getting a divorce, we will talk later and left. Leaving me to explain the situation, they were heartbroken and missed their parent. The only thing they could say was they miss her so much and cried. 
I called a friend who is a therapist and she is sending workbooks and will talk with them this week but I am so hurt for them. She did it to hurt me and them. Its a sad day for us : mad:


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## laniegirl84 (Sep 3, 2013)

missmylife4 said:


> I'm going through a similar situation- Tonight my wife and I had a fight as she was leaving to see her OP- in the heat of the argument she yelled to our 7 year old and 5 year old, your parents are getting a divorce, we will talk later and left. Leaving me to explain the situation, they were heartbroken and missed their parent. The only thing they could say was they miss her so much and cried.
> I called a friend who is a therapist and she is sending workbooks and will talk with them this week but I am so hurt for them. She did it to hurt me and them. Its a sad day for us : mad:


I'm so sorry for that. On Saturday I told my STBX that I was working the night shift at a local bar to get some extra money for the move (he knew I was looking for a second job). He flipped out in front of our son (as I was leaving), told me not to bother coming back and told my son that I would rather hang out in a bar than with him. My son started crying and telling his dad to take it back and that he couldn't kick me out (he is four and felt the need to defend me). He asked me if I was going to come back, and I said of course I was. Then after I left he emptied the joint account completely (still open for a few auto pay things that haven't switched over) and locked the house from the inside. 

I can understand him being hurt and angry, but I don't understand him hurting me by hurting our son. It is just so unnecessary.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

missmylife & lanie, 

Just holy s**t at your spouses... just wow. Mouth hanging open at these "men". I've really got nothing beyond the obvious state ment that you've got to be the bigger person here and do what you can to comfort the children where, when, and how you can, always always always keep the communication open with the kids so that they KNOW they can vent a bit with you if they need to and feel safe talking about it -- but also not let it dominate their every thoughts because they are going to be just fine. ANd continually calmly trying to talk to these "men" about keeping your issues between you two and never stooping to the level of involving the kids, because it just is really abusive to them. Each and every time it happens, they've got to get called out for it (later and privately) as completely unacceptable. And document the conversation with an email, just in case, for later "proof", even potentially in custody questions.

I am so, so sorry this is happening to you and your kids. At least now counting my own blessings that despite my POSstbxww antics, we're still co-parenting to the child's best interest.


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## greenapple (Apr 21, 2014)

I can relate to you all situation,,,,my son is mildly autistic and has a hard time adjusting to change. My STBXH moved out exactly a month ago and it was the hardest things we have ever experienced. At first my son was very sad wondering how come things couldn't be the way they were before like all of us together and yes it was very very heartbroken for me, I still think about it and it brings tears to my eyes to see his face and remember his words asking: when can we go back to normal?....I tried explaining the situation to him but because of his autism he has a hard time understanding how things work until he sees them actually happening or in images. The first week was extremely hard as he stayed with him some nights and he was sad to say bye to daddy etc. The second week was much better surprisingly! he started talking about his emotions and asking questions. I answered them all and he understood that he will have two houses from now on etc. it has been a month now and he is doing much much better! he doesn't cry anymore and is actually pretty happy boy or at least that is what he shows. He did mentioned to me last week or so that he likes that when he is by himself with me that I am happier and likewise with his dad, rather than how we were when the three of us were together. That gave alittle peace to my heart knowing that he is starting to understand how things are going. Children are very smart and although they do hurt and break our hearts that they hurt, we must do what is right thinking of them all the time! People have judge me for wanting to divorce my STBXH and they say that I should think about my son first, but they don't know that he is my main motive and reason for living and making decisions!!! wish you the best and hope everything turns out great.


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## DidntLearnMyLesson (Jun 25, 2014)

Lanie
I'm going through the exact same thing but my son is 13. I asked my wife to leave about three weeks after I discovered her affair in June. Prior to her leaving, we went to a child psych and asked for advice on how to tell our son. In short, she said not to say anything about the affair- its a detail between my wife and I that would only cause him harm and harm to the relationship between ny son and his mother. So we did just that (although I must admit I was really tempted to tell him what his mother did to break up our family)- we told him that we would be living apart as we no longer feel the same about each other, we still love him very much and it's not his fault at all. His only words were "ok, where is my bus going to pick me up when school starts."
Obviously, i am very concerned about his indifference. But at the same time, I have not yet seen any signs of sadness and in fact, he goes about his day to day life like nothing happened. I hope this isn't the calm before the storm. We have just started the one week with mom , one week with me in August. 
I'm personally having a hard time dealing with his indifference. I truly love my son and would do anything for him. But it's hard to to decipher if he is repressing his emotions or that his sense/ need of family isn't the same as mine (which I do find even more unnerving). I ask him how is feeling every other day and let him know that he can talk to me about anything. All he says is "I'm fine."


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

DidntLearnMyLesson said:


> Lanie
> I'm going through the exact same thing but my son is 13. I asked my wife to leave about three weeks after I discovered her affair in June. Prior to her leaving, we went to a child psych and asked for advice on how to tell our son. In short, she said not to say anything about the affair- its a detail between my wife and I that would only cause him harm and harm to the relationship between ny son and his mother. So we did just that (although I must admit I was really tempted to tell him what his mother did to break up our family)- we told him that we would be living apart as we no longer feel the same about each other, we still love him very much and it's not his fault at all. His only words were "ok, where is my bus going to pick me up when school starts."
> Obviously, i am very concerned about his indifference. But at the same time, I have not yet seen any signs of sadness and in fact, he goes about his day to day life like nothing happened. I hope this isn't the calm before the storm. We have just started the one week with mom , one week with me in August.
> I'm personally having a hard time dealing with his indifference. I truly love my son and would do anything for him. But it's hard to to decipher if he is repressing his emotions or that his sense/ need of family isn't the same as mine (which I do find even more unnerving). I ask him how is feeling every other day and let him know that he can talk to me about anything. All he says is "I'm fine."


I think your therapist gave you bad advice.

I spoke to a couple of therapists as well. My children were 14 and 15. They said that they are old enough to know. So, the stbx and I sat down and told them that we were separating with the intent to divorce because Dad broke your mother's trust. Nice euphemism huh? Anyway, my daughter asked me Does that mean he had affairs and I said yes.

It pretty much stinks but oh well. It is better than continuing the lie that the ex started. Plus, they knew I had very strong feelings about marriage and for us to just stop loving each other? Well, that sounds false...and it was. No more lies. If the kids are teens, they are old enough to know the barest facts. No details are needed, but no lies either.


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