# The Aftermath



## solvency7 (Jun 15, 2013)

Long story ill try keep it in context

End of march my wife tells me she wants a seperation, obviously much as i knew things were not great i did not expect that! The first month after is quite a rough month,its very hard i found to explain to someone who hasnt experienced it. But regardless,i had to move into shared accomodation. 

The conversation went along the lines of, you have the kids every other weekend and a night in the week. Now the job i was working which i started a month beforehand simply wasnt going to pay me enough inclusive of travel. it just wasnt going to work plus i was going to be paying manintenence. So i got another job,shift work sadly but paid a lot more.

This angered her beyond words..but i was able to see my children still at random times, the weeks passed and it was difficult,taking your children to shared accomodation is not an ideal scenario.

In the end to cut a long story short after starting to see someone else, we moved in together at the start of august. The automatic question your going to ask is damn that was quick

Back story- My ex wife slept with someone a few weeks after me leaving the family home and was actively engaging trying to find hook ups, its also hard to explain but as soon as i found this out, a switch was pressed. Any emotions toward her were gone, overnight i just became fine, no crying or regretting my life. I set about making plans and defining a plan for the future and yep i went on tinder etc met someone and the rest is history. My wife on the other hand who has slept with near on 5 guys and activley dating is bitter as sin and has refused me to see my children since the end of may.


Now much as i can understand bitterness or anger,keeping children away from there father for no good reason is beyond reproach. We have mediation next week and if that fails i will go to court to see my children.


My question here is has anyone else dealt with a bitter ex wife...does it fade..

My overall feeling is she wanted me to live in the gutter while she pushes on. Im sorry but no. She intiates seperation and i live in the gutter while she sleeps around and dates. I think not.

My only wish is to see my children and become amicable.

Does that happen?


----------



## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

solvency7 said:


> and has refused me to see my children since the end of may.


please explain how she is able to keep you from seeing your kids?

You are their father and have a right to see your kids.


----------



## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

Well, obviously you don't have a right in HER opinion. And she's right, at least until you settle it in court. Until then, she controls literally everything.

This is going to cost you a lot of money and, sadly, no amount of money you spend it going to make this any better or "amicable" as you hope. She'll always give you a hard time, disobeying the court order, making excuses why you can't pick up the kids, etc. You can always go back to court. You can go back to court a hundred times, but they will never do more than slap her wrists and scold her. And then, you'll have reason to go back to court again.

What is more - yes, it gets exponentially worse - is she's going to turn your kids against you. It's called PAS for Parent Alienation Syndrome, and it will go on forever. Literally forever.

What you will do is become a sorry, crappy father, allowing your kids to run roughshod over you - and your girlfriend/new wife if you ever get married again - and won't bother to make them behave, reprimand them, or give them consequences for their bad and/or disrespectful actions. You'll turn a blind eye to it all as if they are angels (but there are zero children who are angels, they all need teaching, discipline, and consequences) due to your guilt and overpowering fear of losing their love.

Your ex and your children are going to cause problems in your home with you and your girlfriend/wife, and you will let them. You will become your ex's puppy dog out of guilt, fear, and lame attempts to keep the peace and keep her happy in desperate hope that she won't cause problems (while she's causing problems).....all at the expense of your girlfriend and the relationship you and she are trying to build. Your ex wife's happiness will be more important to you because she's "the mother of" your children, and your fear of her turning them against you and losing their love will be more important than manning up to protect your girl, your relationship/marriage. As a result, your girlfriend/wife will be incredibly unhappy and losing respect for you by the hour. But, don't worry. She won't leave. Not for a while anyway. She will be more desperate than you are. But the problems stemming from your ex and your children will tear her apart inside and more than likely tear your relationship apart. In case you didn't know, which you likely didn't, the divorce rate for marriages w/ children from previous marriage/relationships is upwards of 72%, and all that I have written here is the reason. 

It will all seem to go well in the beginning - her and the kids meeting and seemingly getting along well, but your ex will make sure THAT doesn't last. She will make sure to meddle in your relationship, make sure your kids dislike your new girl, and make sure to tell them "Don't do anything she tells you." She will tell you "That woman better not be anywhere near my kids!" and you will stupidly do as she says as if she is god who totally controls your puppet strings.....and your purse strings.

Soooo, I guess I'll stop there, but please do believe I could go on and on and on. You didn't listen to a word I wrote anyway. You think I'm crazy. You're wondering how I could possibly think you will do all those things and have such guilt and fear. For 6 years, I have observed it on this board but mostly other boards that are more geared toward step parents. Know that I just laid out your entire future from here on out because it doesn't even get better after your kids are grown. After spending their childhood being allowed to be spoiled, undisciplined, entitled, and rude by a fearful, guilt-ridden father, they get worse after adulthood. Very much worse. 

Every word I said is your future and the future of your relationships/marriage UNLESS you are able to rise above the guilt and fear by putting your ex wife in her place and limiting her interfering and disruptive influence, and by being a real parent to your children. Disney Dads (too indulgent) and Guilty Dads (too permissive) are VERY unattractive. You completely blow your alpha and beta male trait attractiveness to women.

I know it all sounds awful and totally unbelievable, but this truly is what happens. To help you understand what you are facing and to help you overcome your guilt and fear, you're going to have to do some studying - just a couple books and some web articles. If you and your new girl ever plan in the future to live together and/or get married, you both should first attend counseling with a counselor that SPECIALIZES in step families. And, so you know what children need from their parents, please take parenting classes. You don't feel you need that, but you really do. Now that you and their mother are no longer living together, they are going to have some problems. Going back and forth between households, as well as the fact that you have a new woman in your life - and that means ANY new woman because you and this first one might not make it, which means there will be one or more others - all of this takes some getting used to for your kids. They're going to act out in ways you didn't know or expect your sweet little darlings would or could. It's really badly directed toward stepmothers. For some reason, men are more readily accepted by the kids when mom repartners, but women almost never are accepted when dad repartners. That's the nature of the step family beast, and makes moving on harder for you. Plus, their mother will make matters worse. I'm not saying stepdads are ALWAYS accepted because stepfamilies where the male is the step parent also have problems. It just doesn't occur as often as when there is a stepmother. Stepmothers are almost automatically hated/resented. Look out for your ex telling the kids things like "Your father and I would still be together if it weren't for HER" knowing full well that SHE, the ex wife, was the one who initiated the breakup/divorce. I declare women become mean, lying, awful bi*ches, and I don't know why. Just look at what you are experiencing from your ex so far. You didn't expect this, did you? Yep, she's gonna get much worse.

Another reason you should do some research is that you are not going to believe the things your girlfriend/wife tells you about your kids and their behavior. You will accuse her of lying on your kids, misinterpreting their actions, and exclaim that she doesn't like your children. You will make all kinds of excuses for them "she didn't mean it" and "that's not so bad" and some of everything if you can't be a good parent to them because you are too fearful of losing them. Being a good parent doesn't mean spoiling them and letting them get away with bad behavior so that they will love you. You need to know what your girl is going through so that you can become an effective parent, as well as protect her and your relationship from your baggage. Your girl needs to do the same reading, research, and counseling that you need to do so that she also understands. Most stepmothers just spend the relationship going crazy. The purpose of seeking help and understanding is so you both avoid becoming another 72% statistic if you care about spending and building your lives together. The very raw fact is that "step family" is very, very, VERY different from what we know and understand to be "traditional/nuclear family." You both need to learn how to change your expectations and still make your relationship work. You also need to know how to handle your ex wife.

Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin
Step Coupling
What Every Stepmom Needs Her Husband To Know
Legally Divorced, But Emotionally Connected
Our Family Wizard


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

When the W asked for separation you simply obliged, what actually precipitated this request and did you guys go for MC or anything or was it straight to this scenario? Seems odd?


----------



## solvency7 (Jun 15, 2013)

Hi,

Thanks for the replies,

sadly yes she can stop me seeing my children, By simply refusing contact, you cant just wade in, in case it does go to court
carlarose thats a lot to digest ill have a read!

Aine, no she said she wanted it over,i stated my case,she packed my bags its hard to fight a battle when the other side surrendered,in hindsight its a great thing, its just the children,she has no idea what damage she is doing


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

I would wager she was having hookups and sex long before she suggested separation...If you want to see her lose her mind, tell her your GF is pregnant, she can keep the kids, because you will be busy being a dad to your NEW family.....


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

For one thing she cant keep you out of your house. Go talk to the sheriff.

Take a voice activated recorder with you . A good sony one costs about sixty dollars.


----------



## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

OP - you need to lawyer up, yesterday.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

solvency7 said:


> Hi,
> 
> Thanks for the replies,
> 
> ...


Can't you just show up at school and pick them up?

And most definitely go to court. As soon as possible.

Most importantly, you need a bound notebook (the kind you can't insert pages into), preferably a calendar. Every single time you are supposed to see your children and you are rebuffed, put a note in it and what excuse she gave. Every single time you ASK to see your kids and she refuses, put it down in the notebook. Any thing your kids say to you, or teachers say to you, or family members say to you about her withholding the kids, telling the kids bad things about you, or comments about purposely doing it to you...WRITE IT DOWN!

It may not be legally binding in court, but it WILL show a concerted effort to thwart you seeing your own kids. And judges do NOT like that. But you have to have the records. So I would get one today, go back to when it started, and fill in as much as you can remember, and start recording going forward.

I have to ask however, how does having another woman in your life affect this? Issues with the woman? Conversations? Anything that can be used to justify you not getting them? Be very honest with yourself.


----------



## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

CarlaRose said:


> And she's right, at least until you settle it in court. Until then, she controls literally everything.


Wrong. Wrong... WRONG

You were/are married, yes? Are there any court orders defining terms of Parenting Time/Custody(ugh, I hate the term)? In the absence of a court order that defines Parenting Time, they are your children as well as hers. You have as much right to their time as she does. Int eh absence of a court order, move back in. Are you separated? Or "legally separated"? Two different things there.


----------



## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

I wish she would realise that this is about you and her. The children are not toys and shouldn't be used as play things. They will be asking for you and if anything it will be detrimental keeping them from their father. Sounds to me like she is very bitter and hell-bent on making your life a misery. All the best with everything.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Immature people behave immaturely.
It sounds almost as if she wanted you to pine away for her, and when you didn't, she got angry.

CarlaRose might be projecting a bit, we don't know what she will do in the future. She might try parential alienation, she might just be a b!tch to you.

You absolutely can get visitation. If you can't afford an attorney, try legal aid, or even go down to the court house and speak with a clerk to find the proper motion for visitation. You can get a temporary order for visitation without much proof. Once you have that, get the police (yes, I know, a bit severe but I honestly think it will help), to come with you to pick up the kids. This will let her know that you are completely serious about being in your children's lives. Right now she thinks she has all the power in the parental relationship-and she does, mostly because you've not called her out on this. So call her out.

If the kids seem upset by the cops tell them mom and dad can't agree on things right now so we want to make sure neither or us say something we will regret. Then don't mention it again and behave the rest of your visit as though everything in the world was wonderful. The more normal they see you behave, the more secure they will feel in your home, and the better your visits.

The court won't like either one of you parading new people in and out of residences, so be prepared to make the best case you can.


----------



## solvency7 (Jun 15, 2013)

We have mediation next week, which to me seems pointless, the mediator will say what are you after,
every other weekend and a evening in the week to take them for dinner.
she will say no you need to build trust....trust for what! being there father and not being with them for more than a 2 day period maximum

its a joke, the mediator said remain patient, i see how some people get angry thankfully im fairly placid by nature then

I will say well you have not let me have any contact with me and i doubt highly you will now so i will take you to court where it out of your hands. why she cant just be an adult is beyond me


----------



## perol (Oct 6, 2015)

solvency7 said:


> My question here is has anyone else dealt with a bitter ex wife...does it fade..
> 
> My only wish is to see my children and become amicable.
> 
> Does that happen?


Usually but it takes time. Sometimes years.

By that time there's irreversable damage done to the children. The relationship you have with them will never be the same.

It can be good, it can even be great but it won't be what it was.

And unfortunately there's a good chance it will be worse.


----------



## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

solvency7 said:


> We have mediation next week, which to me seems pointless, the mediator will say what are you after,
> every other weekend and a evening in the week to take them for dinner.
> she will say no you need to build trust....trust for what! being there father and not being with them for more than a 2 day period maximum
> 
> ...


So you're going through mediation and there is no court order of parenting time/custody? I'd push the mediator for a temp order with 50/50. If not, then ask your lawyer to file in court for a temp order for parenting/custody or to move from mediation to trial.


----------

