# Cannot get wife's past out of my head



## Maxpelle12

Hey everyone. I just joined and hope i could get some advice or comments about my situation.

So i am 29 my wife is 30. We meet when i was in my early 20s. We dated for about 1.5 years and then she fell pregnant with our first. We got engaged and married within 1 year of our child being born. I remember thinking that I was too young to get married and settle down but i needed to do that for my child. We since had another child and have progressed in life. We have good jobs, we own a house, we go on family holidays. But there has always been an unsettling feeling about her past. I knew some of it when we dated - she cheated on her ex, partied alot and went through a phase of just sleeping with numerous men. However recently i uncovered more information about her past and it created this painful and nervous feeling in me. I found how she used to dress, she cheated multiple times on her ex, she dated some pretty gangster type guys. Ive confronted her about it and she doesnt think its a big problem and said that her past is the past and that im insecure and need to get help. I do feel insecure and feel that not only did i miss out on having fun times because i married early, she had alot of fun and is just settling down. 

Im not sure what i can do. I feel this tremendous sense that ive been played and im so angry which is affecting my life. I have contemplated divorce and there are days where i really want to go through with it. Has anyone been in my situation? If so what did you do?

Thanks in advance


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## MattMatt

> "The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there." The first line of L.P. Hartley's novel, "The Go-Between."


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## SunCMars

This is about resentment.

Resenting the past.
The one she had, the one you did not.

It is a shame that you are now are thinking these harmful thoughts, two children later.

You should have worn condoms with her if you did not want children.

OK, now what?

I think you need to get a grip on things. 

You are having second thoughts.
Having little kids running around the house is no longer a lot of fun. It is a lot of work.

Yes, she partied around a lot early in life, and yes she cheated on her ex, but she finally grew up. You knew that when you married her.

I say bull to the reason you want out. It is not only because she was rather loose and carefree, but because you are tired of being a full time father, tied to a marriage.

If you do divorce, never tell her that her past is the reason. That would be too cruel. She knows what she did. She told you to get over it.

That tells you she has no regrets. Take that at face value.

I suggest counseling or divorce. I feel sorry for the children. 
Do not make them suffer at your hands.

I believe there is more to your story.





[THM]- THRD


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## TJW

Maxpelle12 said:


> Ive confronted her about it and she doesnt think its a big problem and said that her past is the past and that im insecure and need to get help.


Firstly, her minimization of it IS a BIG problem.

Secondly, her statement that her past is the past is a half-truth. It's a "trickle truth". It is now a problem in her present, and in yours, because she did not open up to you about the extent of her promiscuity, nor about her mode of life, nor about having dated gangster types. She needs to own her error, and seek your forgiveness for being less than honest with you prior to marriage.

Thirdly, when people are married, what is a problem for one of the people is a problem for both of the people. Telling you that you are "insecure" is a huge cop out, your insecurity is based upon a normal human reaction to her behavior. Many people would also feel insecure in similar circumstances.

Fourthly, telling you to "get help" is shirking her responsibility to work through these issues with you as your loving and devoted wife. She should be "in it" with you for the sake of being to you what she promised to be.


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## ConanHub

Uh oh.....

Well, you must be pretty studly to have tamed that filly!

Has she been faithful and committed, loving to you in your marriage?

If so, you found something pretty golden.

I don't think you should even consider divorce over this.

Has she been good to you and your kids?

My oldest son is her age. He is married to a shrew unfortunately but he is hard working and successful.

Maybe you two could trade? His wife doesn't have much of a history at all but is meaner than a one nut badger and less sane.


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## BigToe

You aren't making sense. She's only one year older than you, which means if you got married young then she got married young+1 year. That's hardly a significant difference. So this isn't about being married young, it's about lack of experience compared to your wife.

You are blessed. Your wife "sowed her wild oats" before she met you and likely got rid of any desire to seek out others after marriage, unlike YOU. You are looking over the fence and thinking that the grass is greener over there. Don't make that mistake. The BEST sex I ever had was with my wife, the woman who loved me and was devoted to me. Trust me, you aren't missing anything. Without love, if you've been in one woman you've been in them all.

Her past is the past, just like she says. She's with you now and that's all that matters. You are thinking of divorce??? Stand in front of a mirror. Now slap yourself in the face and say out loud "I'm a fool!". Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

You'd be surprised to know how many wild women (who would have been called the S word without reservation or remorse) back in their younger days I know who are now the most faithful and devoted wives. 

Once they honed in on one and chose to settle down, they did so with great fidelity and commitment. I don't think it's that uncommon.


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## red oak

The past is the past, only when it's in the past.

I like to know people. Meaning, if someone has cheated in the past I like to learn the person well enough to understand why they cheated which is the only way to put it in the past for you. Some women are unable to express why in words.

The mistake people make is to ask about the past so they may create a judgment, or feed their self-fulfilling prophecies of inadequacy, failure, or whatever it may be, instead of taking a serious interest in the individual as to what they think was the reason; how they felt about it; what they thought of themselves, what issues did you face within yourself, what was your best moment, your worst................

From your post you have yet to do that, or those insecurities wouldn't be nagging at you. Some people are okay with a normal relationship. 

My wife told me I was the only one to ever take an interest in her as a person to know her for who she is, and what made her tick. Former women from relationships have said the same.

Hope this makes sense.

If she hasn't given you a reason to distrust her, if your relationship is on solid ground build an even stronger foundation by learning who your wife is.


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## Maxpelle12

Thanks all for the advice. Just to add, she is a great mom and career women. We do have sex but it has significantly reduced and i know that the way she feels about sex with me is different to her previous lovers. She wore lingerie with her exs, she did more with them, she did dirty talk with them as well. While i get and accept the the advice that this is about resentment, something needs to change. I cannot reconcile the idea of staying in a marriage feeling like i missed out on the 'best of her'. I think i would be happier to be a father separate to her, at least i wont be thinking about her past.


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## uhtred

Is it possible she senses your disturbance with her past? Have you told her? Maybe that is making you less attractive. 

You feel the way you feel, but a man who is worried / jealous of their partners exes is not an attractive thing. 

Can you accept here as the woman you love completely and ignore the past? 




Maxpelle12 said:


> Thanks all for the advice. Just to add, she is a great mom and career women. We do have sex but it has significantly reduced and i know that the way she feels about sex with me is different to her previous lovers. She wore lingerie with her exs, she did more with them, she did dirty talk with them as well. While i get and accept the the advice that this is about resentment, something needs to change. I cannot reconcile the idea of staying in a marriage feeling like i missed out on the 'best of her'. I think i would be happier to be a father separate to her, at least i wont be thinking about her past.


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## sokillme

Your wife is right, it's not about her past it's about you. Does she even look back on it fondly?


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## 269370

Maxpelle12 said:


> Hey everyone. I just joined and hope i could get some advice or comments about my situation.
> 
> So i am 29 my wife is 30. We meet when i was in my early 20s. We dated for about 1.5 years and then she fell pregnant with our first. We got engaged and married within 1 year of our child being born. I remember thinking that I was too young to get married and settle down but i needed to do that for my child. We since had another child and have progressed in life. We have good jobs, we own a house, we go on family holidays. But there has always been an unsettling feeling about her past. I knew some of it when we dated - she cheated on her ex, partied alot and went through a phase of just sleeping with numerous men. However recently i uncovered more information about her past and it created this painful and nervous feeling in me. I found how she used to dress, she cheated multiple times on her ex, she dated some pretty gangster type guys. Ive confronted her about it and she doesnt think its a big problem and said that her past is the past and that im insecure and need to get help. I do feel insecure and feel that not only did i miss out on having fun times because i married early, she had alot of fun and is just settling down.
> 
> Im not sure what i can do. I feel this tremendous sense that ive been played and im so angry which is affecting my life. I have contemplated divorce and there are days where i really want to go through with it. Has anyone been in my situation? If so what did you do?
> 
> Thanks in advance




How did you ‘uncover’ it? 
People will probably tell you to get over it. This problem seems to crop up quite a lot so I guess it IS a problem. Usually, when someone had one image of their wife and then it suddenly changed through some kind of traumatic uncovering experience or when the husband feels he’s loosing ‘control’ (when his wife stops sleeping with husband or the husband gets a feeling the wife is more interested in someone else). Just guessing here.
In theory, it shouldn’t matter.


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## manfromlamancha

On the one hand I agree with others who say do not focus on her past IF she is being a good wife to you today while on the other hand, my understanding is that you would like her to do all those things with you and she has not, but now you find that she did them with her previous lovers (lingerie, dirty talk etc).

So I do understand the resentment especially if you have asked her for these, she has declined and now you find that she did them before.

Also finding out after you have married that your wife was a cheater is clearly important and impactful and may have ifluenced your decision to marry her or not - so that would have been lying by omission.

Is this accurate ? And if so, how did you find all this out ?


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## Andy1001

Maxpelle12 said:


> Thanks all for the advice. Just to add, she is a great mom and career women. We do have sex but it has significantly reduced and i know that the way she feels about sex with me is different to her previous lovers. She wore lingerie with her exs, she did more with them, she did dirty talk with them as well. While i get and accept the the advice that this is about resentment, something needs to change. I cannot reconcile the idea of staying in a marriage feeling like i missed out on the 'best of her'. I think i would be happier to be a father separate to her, at least i wont be thinking about her past.


You don’t feel that you missed out on “the best part of her” you feel like you missed out on life in general. You knew you were too young to be married but you did it anyway. Now you are rewriting history to justify your feelings. 
Other than a time machine there’s nothing your wife can do about her past. She obviously senses that you are pulling away from her and her reduced desire for you is a symptom of that. 
You are mourning a past that you didn’t have and because your wife had a more adventurous younger life you feel cheated. 
Ask yourself this,if you divorce do you honestly think you will have beautiful women flocking to your door just dying to have sex.Or will you just be another guy who threw away a beautiful,sensual women because you thought the grass was greener somewhere else?
The past is the past and if your wife is faithful to you then what she got up to in her teens/early twenties is immaterial. 
As for her wearing lingerie for other men,maybe buy her some and she will wear it for you.


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## Maxpelle12

So in terms of how i found out - it was friends from her past saying a couple of things then me asking for more details until i found out everything. I do accept now i was too young to get married and should have held firm about not getting married. I guess the question is what now? If divorce then yes im giving up a beautiful woman for the possibility of something else, but more importantly not having to deal with the thoughts of her past. I woupd be happy to leave, do my own thing, be the best father i can be and if something another girl comes into my life then so be it, if not, at least i dont have to deal with this feeling. 

I look around the internet and there is alot of guys having this issue. In my view, in this day and age with the incredible opportunity(not availability) of sex, the incentive to marry and commit at least from a sexual perspective is not there. As a result married guys are starting to have these issues. Not sure but just my view


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## jlg07

Max, before you give up to "get away" from your feelings on this, I think that maybe you should do some Counseling -- they can help you deal with these types of feelings and also you can improve yourself.

I think that you leaving/divorcing will NOT solve your issues -- because i doubt any woman you meet now will NOT have a past, and it will always be that sword that hangs over your head if YOU don't get control of this.


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## She'sStillGotIt

So _that's _the excuse you want to use to justify the bad choices you've continually made to get where you are and why you want out so bad? Her past? 

YOU were 50% of the irresponsibility that led to her getting pregnant. You keep whining about how you were 'forced' to marry too soon and act as though you're an innocent victim who got dragged into this mess against his will, but the truth is, you helped CREATE the mess you're in. And unless a gun was held to your head, then the ONLY one you can blame is *yourself*.

Own your ****.

You *already knew* things about her past that you weren't comfortable with - that she'd cheated on her ex, partied a lot, had lots of NSA sex, etc. But apparently, that didn't stop you back then from being involved with her. The more I'm reading, the clearer the picture is becoming. I'm getting the impression you didn't have much (if any) experience with women before you started dating her, and _that's_ why you were willing to accept these things that you suddenly NOW find to be so unappealing. Because back then, you had a woman who was happy to spend time with you and have sex with you and you weren't about to give that up, so you were more than happy to overlook her past.

But now that you want out and see yourself as some kind of innocent victim who was led down the garden path, her past has suddenly become a *deal-breaker* for you. 

Own your ****. 

It's not her past that you can't accept. You're envious and resentful that she got to have a past before you, and you (for whatever reason) didn't really have much of a past before you met her. That's not her fault. But your victim mentality will ensure that *you* see it as you once again being the victim of the big, bad woman who took away your innocence and your freedom. 

One last piece of advice - own your ****.


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## SunCMars

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> You'd be surprised to know how many wild women (who would have been called the S word without reservation or remorse) back in their younger days I know who are now the most faithful and devoted wives.
> 
> Once they honed in on one and chose to settle down, they did so with great fidelity and commitment. I don't think it's that uncommon.


Yes, that is the desired outcome and 'hope'.

Life is a crapshoot.





[THM]- The Typist I


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## She'sStillGotIt

Maxpelle12 said:


> I cannot reconcile the idea of staying in a marriage feeling like i missed out on the 'best of her'. I think i would be happier to be a father separate to her, at least i wont be thinking about her past.


Well Max, let's see.

The woman works a full time job, has given birth to TWO kids and is probably the one doing most of the child-rearing when she's not at work, and I'm also willing to bet she does the majority of the work from the time she gets home each night right up until she finally gets to lay down in bed.

And all the while, *you're* silently seething on the inside, jealously wondering why she was able to have so much more free time to dress up and be a vixen for all those other guys and poor poor you, you've been given the short end of the stick because she's too damned BUSY helping support the household by working full time, too damned BUSY raising the two kids you both chose to have, too damned BUSY keeping order and cleanliness in your home 24/7, and is likely too damned TIRED to turn into a sex kitten just for *you* at 10pm every night. 

Hey - here's a crazy thought. Maybe THAT'S why she had all the time in the world for those other guys - she wasn't the workhorse for them that she's become with you. But somehow, you've still managed to make yourself the victim here. 

Honestly, right now your attitude is completely toxic to your marriage. You're jealous, you're envious, you're resentful, you're angry, you're self-absorbed, you're self-entitled, and you're acting like a 14 year old hormonal teenage boy having a tantrum because he wants so badly to hit the RE-START button.

Personally, I think you'd be doing *her *a huge favor if you did leave.


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## Maxpelle12

Thanks for the comments. So you are right I didnt have much of a dating life when I met her. So I guess at first I underplayed her past in my head.

In terms of chores, supporting the family etc. Its a pretty evenly split. I do more of the financial supporting of the family, she does more in terms of social organisation and household duties. But we both spend alot of time with the kids. Yes it is tiring raising two kids but my expectation is that if you can do it for exs you should do it for your husband. Same way its tiring but expected of the husband to 'date' the wife for example take her on dates and gifts etc while providing.

There are probably deeper issues here with me and that is why i feel divorce is so appealing as i will get to live my own life not as an inexperienced 20 year old.


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## Spicy

Wow...you really are immature! Simply putt, you want to abandon your wife and kids for some strange. Shame on you!


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## BigToe

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Honestly, right now your attitude is completely toxic to your marriage. You're jealous, you're envious, you're resentful, you're angry, you're self-absorbed, you're self-entitled, and you're acting like a 14 year old hormonal teenage boy having a tantrum because he wants so badly to hit the RE-START button.


It had to be said. And there ain't nothing else to say.


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## manfromlamancha

I did ask this question but did not get a clear reply. Did she lie about or withold information about her past when you were about to marry her ? Especially the bit about cheating etc ? Would this have made a difference to you at the time ?


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## Tasorundo

I guess you should see how many virgin brides are available at your age and location. Everyone has a past, whatever her past was, that is what made her who she was when she was apparently good enough to throw some babies in.

Life gets complicated, people get tired, it requires work to sustain a relationship.

I am not saying your feelings are invalid, but the conclusions and justifications you are drawing from them are. Of course it hurts to think that she was hotter for someone else. Well, there also was no responsibility there either. There were no cares, duties, jobs, just fun.

There is a reason that people are so infatuated with affair partners, because there is no baggage, no work, and no demands.

This is life man, you need to work through your stuff. She could be more supportive, but I would bet that your presentation of this came out as a bunch of whining and looking weak. Insecurity is not a big turn on.


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## red oak

Maxpelle12 said:


> Thanks for the comments. So you are right I didnt have much of a dating life when I met her. So I guess at first I underplayed her past in my head.
> 
> In terms of chores, supporting the family etc. Its a pretty evenly split. I do more of the financial supporting of the family, she does more in terms of social organisation and household duties. But we both spend alot of time with the kids. Yes it is tiring raising two kids but my expectation is that if you can do it for exs you should do it for your husband. Same way its tiring but expected of the husband to 'date' the wife for example take her on dates and gifts etc while providing.
> 
> There are probably deeper issues here with me and that is why i feel divorce is so appealing as i will get to live my own life not as an inexperienced 20 year old.


I'll give you a *possible* reason she won't do those things for you.

Judgement. Both from you and herself. 

Read your posts and ask yourself if someone felt the way you do towards her would you be open to experimenting with them?

Or would you be afraid if you said or did the wrong thing they would judge you? A person only fears the judge of someone who matters to them. 

Something else: she did things with others she won't do with you? Is she with them or you?* In NSA sex the other person doesn't matter so they don't fear their judgement because they don't plan on a relationship or aren't in love! They aren't vested in the other person. *

If someone matters it takes trust in them to open up. 

With an anonymous person (nsa sex) they feel free to let go just like people who are judgmental/or jerks on internet forums only because they are anonymous. 

I'll give a *likely* scenario: somewhere in the first year or so of your relationship the 2 of you were talking and she said something about her past, or she did something with you, and noticed a judgemental look on your face, or you said something offhand that shut her down. 

Lead the way.

Eta: judgment of herself. Even though nothing is wrong about talking dirty and lingerie *perhaps* she judged herself for cheating and said to herself she was a bad person. She wore lingerie and dirty talked while cheating therefore linking dirty talk and lingerie to being a bad person. 
_Until you know her you won't know what it is, but you can't know her as long as you are judging her or sitting in the chair of insecurity._

What you aren't seeing is you're living your life now.
As for living "your" life. Grow up! 
If you aren't living your life, then you are living hers or your childrens life. 
If you're living for your children by attending every sport available why? If you want to fish take them fishing. If you want to hunt take them hunting. Be the leader instead of a tag along being blown by the winds of every school year change. 

I wouldn't trade partying and jumping beds for a solid relationship anyday. Not all it's cracked up to be unless your wife is emotionally abusive. 

Hopefully I didn't go too deep.


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## Maxpelle12

To answer your question, she withheld some information. Knowing all the facts i know now i dont think i would have gone through with it. 

Yeah my concerns are consistent with a teenage boy wanting to press restart. But the thing is there is that option of pressing restart. Yes it may be painful but as was mentioned it is currently toxic so i see separation as being a way to take the heat out of this issue. I dont think separation is abandonment especially as i would want to try and have equal custody

Ill try to talk to my wife about this issue again. Any other guys going through the same issue?


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## TJW

Let me clue you in on something.

The thoughts of your wife's past are not going to go away, even if you divorce. I have never, by the grace of God, had a divorce.... but my wife, who had a sordid past, and taunted me about it, passed away, and I remarried.

Guess what? The thoughts of that traumatic marriage have stayed with me, even until today, and her passing was now 29 years ago. Certainly, they do not carry the intensity of emotion they did then. But, the feelings of inferiority that began in me then have plagued me for nearly 3 decades beyond the point at which my wife was no longer in my life.

What helped me to reduce the intensity of these thoughts was THE TRUTH. My wife admitted the truth, finally. That she was not attracted to me as a man, ever, not even from the beginning. Her attraction was to my "qualities".... being a good husband, father, provider. It was these things that she wanted from me, the things she couldn't find among the "bad boys" she had wild sex with. None of them wanted to marry and "nest".... they wanted the sex, but beyond that, they only wanted to move on to the next woman.

I don't recommend that you seek a divorce, that word makes me wince, but I'm also aware that there are cases in which divorce is the "gnat" and the lousy marriage built upon lies is the "camel".

Hopefully, you can establish truth in your relationship to your wife.



Maxpelle12 said:


> Knowing all the facts i know now i dont think i would have gone through with it.


That is, for damned certain, the case with me. I would not have wasted my freedom, my time, my energy to try and create a satisfactory marriage if I had known the truth before.



Maxpelle12 said:


> Ill try to talk to my wife about this issue again.


Yep, and do that from a position of strength.


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## personofinterest

Go ahead and divorcer. Be sure and tell your children and everyone you know exactly why.


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## Tasorundo

What facts that you know now are different?

That she had sex with 20 guys instead of 10? That she cheated on her boyfriend 5 times instead of 2?


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## red oak

Now it's starting to come together. 

You feel you were duped and didn't marry the person you thought?

What have you discovered that made her a different person?


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## Tasorundo

Max, I agree with TJW in part. Whatever is going on your head, it is coming from a place of insecurity. That insecurity is going to stay with you, wherever you go until it is dealt with.

You owe it to her and your kids to do everything you can to work through that without blowing this up.


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## snerg

TJW said:


> What helped me to reduce the intensity of these thoughts was THE TRUTH. My wife admitted the truth, finally. That *she was not attracted to me as a man, ever, not even from the beginning.* *Her attraction was to my "qualities"*.... being a good husband, father, provider. It was these things that she wanted from me, the things she couldn't find among the "bad boys" she had wild sex with. None of them wanted to marry and "nest".... they wanted the sex, but beyond that, they only wanted to move on to the next woman.


Wow.

Just wow.

What a charming person she was.


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## dreamer2017

Dear Max,

It is my opinion, your wife hasn't given you any cause for concern. According to your post, she has been a good wife. The past is her past and maybe she has grown and want to be a better person. You better think before you throw away a good thing. You must find yourself a good counselor.

Best,
Dreamer


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## 269370

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Once they honed in on one and chose to settle down, they did so with great fidelity and commitment.



And with great lack of desire to have wild monkey sex with her ‘stable’ husband...
Joking. But I’m not sure what you wrote will make the OP feel better!



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## 269370

Maxpelle12 said:


> Thanks all for the advice. Just to add, she is a great mom and career women. We do have sex but it has significantly reduced and i know that the way she feels about sex with me is different to her previous lovers. She wore lingerie with her exs, she did more with them, she did dirty talk with them as well. While i get and accept the the advice that this is about resentment, something needs to change. I cannot reconcile the idea of staying in a marriage feeling like i missed out on the 'best of her'. I think i would be happier to be a father separate to her, at least i wont be thinking about her past.



Ah here we go. So that’s the issue then, not her past. I doubt there are any men who care about their wife’s past as long as she is ****ing their brains out. 
(How do you know so much detail about her past anyway?)




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## 269370

Maxpelle12 said:


> So in terms of how i found out - it was friends from her past saying a couple of things then me asking for more details until i found out everything. I do accept now i was too young to get married and should have held firm about not getting married. I guess the question is what now? If divorce then yes im giving up a beautiful woman for the possibility of something else, but more importantly not having to deal with the thoughts of her past. I woupd be happy to leave, do my own thing, be the best father i can be and if something another girl comes into my life then so be it, if not, at least i dont have to deal with this feeling.
> 
> I look around the internet and there is alot of guys having this issue. In my view, in this day and age with the incredible opportunity(not availability) of sex, the incentive to marry and commit at least from a sexual perspective is not there. As a result married guys are starting to have these issues. Not sure but just my view



What about trying to make sex with your current wife better? Is that possible or not likely?


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## 269370

Woah I’m not sure why so many are kicking you while you are down....’nice’ 

I don’t read it as if you are blaming your wife. I think you both need to find ways to improve your sex life, that’s really the main thing.
It seems to me that you are having all these insecurities because sex life is a bit **** at the moment for you, and you are wondering why she is different with you whereas she had wild crazy sex with many other guys...The natural conclusion to you might seem that she is less attracted to you right?
It’s more complicated. She would never have married hose guys, she chose you. Plus sex can and does more often than not get stale when people have been together for a while. Priorities change. It says nothing about her levels of attraction towards you. At least there is not reason to believe that there is.
Talk to her about you insecurities. Ignore people who tell you to hide them.
Unless you already met someone who you fantasies about having better/more sex with? In which case ignore my post.


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## 3Xnocharm

Maxpelle12 said:


> Thanks for the comments. So you are right I didnt have much of a dating life when I met her. So I guess at first I underplayed her past in my head.
> 
> In terms of chores, supporting the family etc. Its a pretty evenly split. I do more of the financial supporting of the family, she does more in terms of social organisation and household duties. But we both spend alot of time with the kids. Yes it is tiring raising two kids but *my expectation is that if you can do it for exs you should do it for your husband. *Same way its tiring but expected of the husband to 'date' the wife for example take her on dates and gifts etc while providing.
> 
> There are probably deeper issues here with me and that is why i feel divorce is so appealing as i will get to live my own life not as an inexperienced 20 year old.


Nope. She doesnt have to do one single damn thing that she did with anyone in the past. Not sure why you think you are so damn entitled. She is giving you the best she has right now, raising a family with you and honestly it sounds pretty freaking good from here. But I guess you are not yet grown up enough for something this real. Pretty effing sad.


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## StillSearching

Maxpelle12 said:


> So in terms of how i found out - it was friends from her past saying a couple of things then me asking for more details until i found out everything. I do accept now i was too young to get married and should have held firm about not getting married. I guess the question is what now? If divorce then yes im giving up a beautiful woman for the possibility of something else, but more importantly not having to deal with the thoughts of her past. I woupd be happy to leave, do my own thing, be the best father i can be and if something another girl comes into my life then so be it, if not, at least i dont have to deal with this feeling.
> 
> I look around the internet and there is alot of guys having this issue. In my view, in this day and age with the incredible opportunity(not availability) of sex, the incentive to marry and commit at least from a sexual perspective is not there. As a result married guys are starting to have these issues. Not sure but just my view


If what your getting at is she jumped the race barrier and did not tell you before marriage, I'd have to ask myself why would she withhold that info?


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## personofinterest

PLEASE divorce your wife.


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## 269370

StillSearching said:


> If what your getting at is she jumped the race barrier and did not tell you before marriage, I'd have to ask myself why would she withhold that info?



‘Cos she might have been ashamed of it? That would appear to be the most common reason.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

InMyPrime said:


> And with great lack of desire to have wild monkey sex with her ‘stable’ husband...
> Joking. But I’m not sure what you wrote will make the OP feel better!
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Frequent previous sex does not necessarily imply that it was wild monkey sex.... or even satisfying sex.


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## StillSearching

InMyPrime said:


> ‘Cos she might have been ashamed of it? That would appear to be the most common reason.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


He's so ashamed of it he can't even state the it as the case. 
Messed up


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## Ursula

Maxpelle12 said:


> So in terms of how i found out - it was friends from her past saying a couple of things then me asking for more details until i found out everything. I do accept now i was too young to get married and should have held firm about not getting married. I guess the question is what now? If divorce then yes im giving up a beautiful woman for the possibility of something else, but more importantly not having to deal with the thoughts of her past. I woupd be happy to leave, do my own thing, be the best father i can be and if something another girl comes into my life then so be it, if not, at least i dont have to deal with this feeling.
> 
> I look around the internet and there is alot of guys having this issue. In my view, in this day and age with the incredible opportunity(not availability) of sex, the incentive to marry and commit at least from a sexual perspective is not there. As a result married guys are starting to have these issues. Not sure but just my view


In terms of how you got your information, this isn't the best way; you need to talk directly to your wife about her past, and what all it involved. 

Everyone has a past, even the "good girls". I've been classed as a goody-goody by more than one person because I typically don't put any toes out of line. However, I've had a fair number of sexual partners. Do I readily share this information with a new suitor? Nope, unless I'm asked directly. Information that I do share is whether or not I've been tested recently, as that is the business of anyone that I'm getting involved with. Pasts are everywhere; if you leave your wife to try to find someone who's past doesn't bother you, I wish you much luck because you'll be looking for a unicorn. People like that don't exist, and really, someone can find fault with _anything_, so you can't win either way. Plus, take it from someone in the dating arena right now: it's _very_ hard to find someone out there who you'll click with. Most are just out there for a quick lay (again with the pasts that everyone has).

Here's what I would honestly do if I were you: I would talk calmly with my spouse, and then I would get myself to a therapist. Her past obviously bothers you, and you need to figure out why. If you love her and legitimately love being in a relationship, I would hang onto the one that you have because the grass isn't always greener.


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## 269370

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Frequent previous sex does not necessarily imply that it was wild monkey sex.... or even satisfying sex.


No, but he seems to be convinced that it was much better than what he is getting now. Is there reason to doubt him?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

InMyPrime said:


> No, but he seems to be convinced that it was much better than what he is getting now. Is there reason to doubt him?


Impossible to tell based on our very limited exposure to specifics here.

In general, we do know this is not an uncommon issue... and that it is frequently borne more of insecurity than a legitimate cause for concern.


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## 269370

Their lack of sex and her lack of sexual interest in him bothers him (nobody seems to comment about this for some reason?). That’s my final diagnosis. Either that or he found someone else he would rather have sex with.


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## sa58

Maxpelle12 said:


> Thanks all for the advice. Just to add, she is a great mom and career women. We do have sex but it has significantly reduced and i know that the way she feels about sex with me is different to her previous lovers. She wore lingerie with her exs, she did more with them, she did dirty talk with them as well. While i get and accept the the advice that this is about resentment, something needs to change. I cannot reconcile the idea of staying in a marriage feeling like i missed out on the 'best of her'. I think i would be happier to be a father separate to her, at least i wont be thinking about her past.


She wore lingerie, did more, and talked dirty with her previous lovers.
Could be because she works and is now a full time mom. There are two
kids in the house also who can see and hear things maybe ? You think
you missed out on the best of her? Maybe you brought out the best in her.
Maybe she was looking for someone who would love her and care about her.
Someone to start a real life with, maybe the best is yet to come. Lots of
good memories yet to be made. Me and my wife have made tons of them.

She has already done things with you she didn't with anyone else.

She married you, she could have said no.
She has kids with you, and is committed to you and them.
She could have had your first born, filed for custody and 
you would be paying support. You could now have to start 
paying support for two. I am not saying stay for the kids but
stay because you want to. Be sure what you want to do.
Don't throw away a good life for nothing. Everybody has a past
some lie about it, some trust the person they are with and confess.

I think you should try counseling and you and her need more time 
alone. Time for her to wear lingerie and everything. When me and 
my wife first started dating it was just us. We could come and go
and do what we wanted. Sex all day and all night if we wanted.
Kids and living life changed all of that. Now our kids are out of the 
house and just us again. 

Don't believe everything you hear and see about the single live.
It isn't as great as some people think it is. 

Just my viewpoint:

In today's society if you have someone and committed 
try and fix the problems first. Try everything first, counseling
working things out etc. If things cannot be fixed then leave.
DON'T CHEAT leave. Once it is gone it cannot be taken back.

If you decide to leave and then feel like you made a mistake.
You may find yourself just thought of as another ex.


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## 269370

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Impossible to tell based on our very limited exposure to specifics here.


"We do have sex but it has significantly reduced and i know that the way she feels about sex with me is different to her previous lovers. She wore lingerie with her exs, she did more with them, she did dirty talk with them as well."

Seems pretty specific to me.



Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> In general, we do know this is not an uncommon issue... and that it is frequently borne more of insecurity than a legitimate cause for concern.


"We" do not know where the insecurities stem from exactly. Each case will be different.


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## SunCMars

The seven year itch is scratching at your door somewhat early.

We all go through cycles of happy and unhappy.

Let this one {cycle} pedal on by.

If you keep up this attitude you will push her to relive her fast-past.....with you.

If you cannot make good on your promises, then just end it. 

Do not waste yours' or her time.

Just Sayin'





[THM]- THRD


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## EllisRedding

Geez, tough crowd here. You can't always help what you feel, yet some here are ready to tear the OPs throat out :surprise:

Honestly OP, sounds like you are going through a mid life crisis and even possibly dealing with depression? Maybe the first step would be to seek professional help (maybe marriage counseling, but to start it would probably make more sense to just focus on yourself with a counselor).


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

InMyPrime said:


> "We do have sex but it has significantly reduced and i know that the way she feels about sex with me is different to her previous lovers. She wore lingerie with her exs, she did more with them, she did dirty talk with them as well."
> 
> Seems pretty specific to me.
> 
> 
> 
> "We" do not know where the insecurities stem from exactly. Each case will be different.


She may have done all that for any number of reasons, some of which have nothing to do with enjoying it more.

Okay, so sex with them was "different. "

But different _how_?

That is the critical question for which we don't yet have a definitive answer?


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## 269370

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> She may have done all that for any number of reasons, some of which have nothing to do with enjoying it more.
> 
> Okay, so sex with them was "different. "
> 
> But different _how_?
> 
> That is the critical question for which we don't yet have a definitive answer?


More wild but more boring? Come on... 

Are you saying that it wouldn't bother you if your wife had lots more sex with her past partners but not with you? A lot of guys are not bothered as long as their wife desires them as little as everyone else she ever desired. :wink2: If new information comes to light then that changes quickly... I am not saying some husbands don't work themselves up or are unreasonably paranoid I just don't get why people launch at him with therapy etc...It seems a bit ott given the fact that she doesn't particularly want to **** him very much.


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## Tasorundo

I don't think it is fair to hold some one to a standard of the past dating.

So, are you as hot for her as you were with every girlfriend you ever had sex with no matter the duration of the relationship?

If she was married for years and had kids and still had lots of sex, then that would be a fair comparison, but that isn't what we are comparing.

I would bet dollars to donuts that you were more attentive to the girls you dated than you are currently to your wife, so give me a break.


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## manfromlamancha

Maxpelle12 said:


> To answer your question, *she withheld some information. Knowing all the facts i know now i dont think i would have gone through with it. *
> 
> Yeah my concerns are consistent with a teenage boy wanting to press restart. But the thing is there is that option of pressing restart. Yes it may be painful but as was mentioned it is currently toxic so i see separation as being a way to take the heat out of this issue. I dont think separation is abandonment especially as i would want to try and have equal custody
> 
> Ill try to talk to my wife about this issue again. Any other guys going through the same issue?


Maxpelle, I do understand where you are coming from based on your reply above. Its not just that she had this past but she also withheld info from you that, as you said above, would have caused you not to go through with the marriage, had you known. You essentially married a cheater without knowing that fact. And she did not come clean with all the facts on her own - you had to find out from others.

So with that in mind I do understand your feelings on this. To make matters worse if she is withholding from you what she freely did with others, will add salt to the wound - this is not to say that she has to do anything with you that she did in the past with her other lovers, but it will sting nevertheless.

So while your actions have insecurity all over them, this comes from an understandable source. HOWEVER ...

this doesnt mean that you have to divorce to sort this out. It sounds like both of you need to go to counselling. She needs to go in order to understand why she withheld info from you and to have a better understanding of how you feel about it (empathy) so that she can help you. You need to go to understand how you can communicate these feelings better, get a better understanding of whether you think she is a better person now and get an understanding of why she isnt doing those things with you that she did with others. 

You need to arrive at a point where you believe that she is a good, loyal and loving wife to you and a good mother to your kids (regardless of her past) OR if you believe that she is irreparably flawed, then you need to separate (but not until you fully understand why you are separating). And you need to do this for the sakes of both of you else your resentment will just grow and become very damaging.

If you do decide to stay, once you have received therapy, then you need to make sure that you come to terms with why she denies you whatever it is that you seek sexually and arrive at either a compromise or a mutually agreeable solution to it.

All of this is going to take work. Do you value your marriage enough to put this kind of work in?

Again, remember that I am not blaming you at all for feeling this way (unlike many others here). I do understand. But, as I said, there is work that needs to be done to get to the other side.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

InMyPrime said:


> More wild but more boring? Come on...
> 
> Are you saying that it wouldn't bother you if your wife had lots more sex with her past partners but not with you? A lot of guys are not bothered as long as their wife desires them as little as everyone else she ever desired. :wink2: If new information comes to light then that changes quickly... I am not saying some husbands don't work themselves up or are unreasonably paranoid I just don't get why people launch at him with therapy etc...It seems a bit ott given the fact that she doesn't particularly want to **** him very much.


All I'm saying is I wouldn't assume. I'd want to know more. If that process of discovery confirms the surface appearance, then of course it would bother me

But there are women out there who go through a wild phase and end up deciding vanilla is their favorite flavor after all. I fully understand the sense of loss that comes with not having been a part of that.


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## 269370

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> All I'm saying is I wouldn't assume. I'd want to know more.



I think that’s precisely the reason why he is posting here...Finding our if there is anyone else who feels like him and why he is feeling like this...Until he got bashed away for being an insecure and ungrateful moron...
Gotta love the positivity here.


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## Ursula

InMyPrime said:


> I think that’s precisely the reason why he is posting here...Finding our if there is anyone else who feels like him and why he is feeling like this...Until he got bashed away for being an insecure and ungrateful moron...Gotta love the positivity here.


I don’t see it as him getting bashed. I see this as more of a very strange situation of him not agreeing with the person that his wife used to be. The person she used to be probably isn’t who she is now, and everyone has a past. If he divorces her for having a past, he’ll never find anyone because no one will have a past that satisfies him unless she’s a former nun. He’s chasing after unicorns, and it’s unfortunate, but OP doesn’t realize it.
@Maxpelle12, I was married, and am now divorced. My former husband was hard to take, and our relationship had very few good and healthy points. I’m now in the dating scene, and will say that it’s hard. Not just a challenge; it’s hard and sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it. I’ve been online dating off and on (mostly on) since mid-December 2017, and have met and been on dates with approximately 100 men, and do you know how many nice ones that I’ve found? About 3 of them. And all of them have had pasts of varying degrees.


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## EllisRedding

Ursula said:


> I don’t see it as him getting bashed. I see this as more of a very strange situation of him not agreeing with the person that his wife used to be. The person she used to be probably isn’t who she is now, and everyone has a past. If he divorces her for having a past, he’ll never find anyone because no one will have a past that satisfies him unless she’s a former nun. He’s chasing after unicorns, and it’s unfortunate, but OP doesn’t realize it.


The way I am looking at it (assuming this is a legit story), the OP is not in the right state of mind. Whether it is depression, mid life crisis, etc... he is probably not thinking straight. I am sure other people here have dealt with this, with depression, dealt with being unable to calm your irrational thoughts. In a case like this, egging him on to just do his W a favor and get a divorce, or talking down to him just doesn't seem all that productive. That is why I am cringing at some of these responses here where some folks are essentially lecturing him and want to push him further along towards divorce. I get it, when I first read his opening post and subsequent responses, I wanted to post the same type of replies. So how about we try to help save this dude's marriage, help him get back to reality and not push him further off the edge (this is not directed at you Ursula)  I actually think @manfromlamancha response was great. I also feel odd writing this as I have quite a few posts here that really have no purpose nor help anyone lol.

Your post has me imagining nuns riding unicorns lol


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## Ursula




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## EllisRedding

Ursula said:


>


Haha, I found the same image  ALso found one that is a little more r rated >


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## pastasauce79

I agree with other response saying you're going through a midlife crisis. You married young and now you feel you are missing something in your life.

I married a "wild thing." We married young as well. I knew some of his past as a single man, but not everything. We didn't date long before getting married. He treated me so kindly that I couldn't resist falling in love with him. 

Through out our marriage I have found out many details of his past relationships, and to tell you the truth, I didn't care and I still don't care! Me, on the other hand, I had a few short and long boring relationships. Nothing crazy, and nothing lasting either. 

My husband had a wild past but he has been an awesome husband and father. He's never given me a reason to doubt his commitment to me or our children. Why would I judge his character as a married man based on his behavior as a single man? Those are two completely different life stages.

You have to think about your own insecurities and your own fears. What do you want out of life? and what do you want out of your marriage? If your wife has been a good person to you and your children then you are the one who's not sure, and maybe you are the one looking for something or someone else. 

Every marriage goes through cycles. Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down. Your sex life and intimacy are parts of a marriage that are going to go through changes as well. 

Look for a therapist who can help you finding out what you're looking for. Talk to your wife about the changes you want in your relationship. It takes two to tango and you have to work towards a solution or a compromise.

Wives go through changes as well. Our bodies change after pregnancy and childbirth. Does your wife feel attractive and sexy still? Is she overwhelmed with her role as a career woman and mother? How do you make her feel loved and desired?

Maybe individual therapy and marriage counseling can help you both. If you care about your kids, and if you otherwise have a good relationship, give yourself and your spouse a chance to fix things before pulling the plug. If she's a good woman, you're going to regret loosing her.

I've been happily married to my wild thing for 16 years. Good luck!!


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## BruceBanner

Personally I would divorce her. The past determines the future and bad habits die hard. Once I knew my partner was capable of that I would get rid of them. Also I bet OP's wife doesn't do things she used to do for her previous boyfriends or strangers in the past. I would also recommend you DNA test your children. 



Ursula said:


> I don’t see it as him getting bashed. I see this as more of a very strange situation of him not agreeing with the person that his wife used to be. The person she used to be probably isn’t who she is now, and everyone has a past. If he divorces her for having a past, he’ll never find anyone because no one will have a past that satisfies him unless she’s a former nun. He’s chasing after unicorns, and it’s unfortunate, but OP doesn’t realize it.
> 
> @Maxpelle12, I was married, and am now divorced. My former husband was hard to take, and our relationship had very few good and healthy points. I’m now in the dating scene, and will say that it’s hard. Not just a challenge; it’s hard and sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it. I’ve been online dating off and on (mostly on) since mid-December 2017, and have met and been on dates with approximately 100 men, and do you know how many nice ones that I’ve found? About 3 of them. And all of them have had pasts of varying degrees.


You're being ridiculous. It wouldn't be difficult to find a woman who hasn't done any of the things OP's wife has done.


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## Talk2Me

It def. sucks to find this out after the fact. My g/f had a similar past without any of the cheating though. She was up front about it when we first started dating and I made a choice to accept it. I've had many issues with it most recently a month or two ago. I usually don't think about it but sometimes things trigger it and it would drive me crazy. At the end of the day you're with her hopefully because you love her and so what she's done things you haven't. Sounds to me you're just looking for an excuse to party.


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## bandit.45

The feelings he has are perfectly appropriate and normal. It sucks major ball juice to find out the person you married misrepresented herself. She's a fraud who kept the promiscuous side of her past secret so he wouldn't abandon her to raised their kid alone. And I do not agree she has been a "good" wife. Maybe a good mom. Maybe a good homemaker. Maybe a cordial roommate to hang out with and watch t.v.. Maybe she's great at interior decorating and gardening. But those qualities don't make a woman a good wife. It takes more. 

This is the 21st Century, and whether we all like it or not, he can divorce his wife for no reason whatsoever other than he just wants to. So if he wants to divorce her and find a woman who'll get her freak on with him and provide weekly unsolicited blowjobs...he should go for it. As long as he's supporting those kids, co-parenting and spending 50% of his time with them, they will be fine. Better to have a dad who is happy and divorced, than have a dad who is resentful and angry and making the home an unbearable place to live.


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## TAMAT

Maxpelle,

I get how you are feeling.

* it's a problem that she thinks you have a problem.

* she lied to you for the entire marriage, so it's not like a divorce more like an annulment.

* her fiends knew of this as well and didn't tell you, not friends of the marriage or your children

* given that she lied about those huge details what else is she lying about?

A few things you can do to get the information you need to decide on recovery or divorce.

1) have your W write out a timeline for everything which happened before and during the marriage.

2) take your W to get a polygraph

3) DNA for the kids

there is a good chance she has been in contact with some of the men from her past and believes they are just friends now. "Gangster" OM types have a way of calling on past girl fiends when their lives go badly. There's also the question of mutual friends she kept in her life.


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## Cat Lady

Without reading through everyone else's replies, my thought is that it's up to her to assuage your feelings now that you've expressed them. Not minimize them. Spouses need to work together when one has feelings they are uncomfortable with about the other.


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## Livvie

personofinterest said:


> PLEASE divorce your wife.


This times a hundred. You would be doing her a favor.

No 30 ish year old full time working mother of two children wants to be held to the sexual wildness standard of her *twenty year old and younger* self from before she was with her current husband.


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## SongoftheSouth

the past is the past. you write she is good mom, hard working and otherwise things are well. wtf is the problem?


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## BruceBanner

Maxpelle12 said:


> Thanks all for the advice. Just to add, she is a great mom and career women. We do have sex but it has significantly reduced and i know that the way she feels about sex with me is different to her previous lovers. She wore lingerie with her exs, she did more with them, she did dirty talk with them as well. While i get and accept the the advice that this is about resentment, something needs to change. I cannot reconcile the idea of staying in a marriage feeling like i missed out on the 'best of her'. I think i would be happier to be a father separate to her, at least i wont be thinking about her past.


Seems I was right. You're definitely her safe option.



SongoftheSouth said:


> the past is the past. you write she is good mom, hard working and otherwise things are well. wtf is the problem?


She might be a good mom but she isn't a good wife.


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## ConanHub

BruceBanner said:


> Seems I was right. You're definitely her safe option.
> 
> 
> 
> She might be a good mom but she isn't a good wife.


I wish she was married to my son instead of who he is married to!

What experience are you drawing on to call her a bad wife?

I've been with my wife almost 28 years and this woman seems pretty solid to me.


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## Maxpelle12

Thanks everyone for your comments. It's good to get other people's opinions. The problem I see with 'just letting it go' is that I dont think once a guy finds out about this type of thing would ever let go. I mean would any guy feel great knowing that she did everything and anything with others but not you, while you are working hard to progress the family. The incentive for you to work harder is what under these circumstances? Counselling is definitely something I will do. 

In my view women and men see sex differently so I dont think it's the same for a women finding out her guy slept with others before her, could another better way of describing it if the women found out the way the husband treated his previous wife and kids was so much better. The husband worked harder was more ambitious etc. Is there a feeling of being unworthy or taken for granted that you might feel and if the husband said to you 'that's your problem not mine' how would that make you feel? Would you think the grass is greener on the other side?


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## phillybeffandswiss

Maxpelle12 said:


> Thanks everyone for your comments. It's good to get other people's opinions. The problem I see with 'just letting it go' is that I dont think once a guy finds out about this type of thing would ever let go. I mean would any guy feel great knowing that she did everything and anything with others but not you, while you are working hard to progress the family. The incentive for you to work harder is what under these circumstances? Counselling is definitely something I will do.
> 
> In my view women and men see sex differently so I dont think it's the same for a women finding out her guy slept with others before her, could another better way of describing it if the women found out the way the husband treated his previous wife and kids was so much better. The husband worked harder was more ambitious etc. Is there a feeling of being unworthy or taken for granted that you might feel and if the husband said to you 'that's your problem not mine' how would that make you feel? Would you think the grass is greener on the other side?


Depends on how they found out. Unless she lied about her virginity, your reaction is why women hide their sex life. You are judging her on past actions. I mean, you feel you should get every sex act she did before. She is not a car, robot or boat. She may have done those things for multiple reasons which, she feels are unnecessary now. She may have felt humiliated, angered, forced or enjoyment and it led her somewhere she didn't want to go again.

Here's the thing, how do you know she treated them better? 

Your examples are all your own personal bias. I work "smarter, not harder" now. So, how could a wife find out any different. Like you, she wouldhave to make up scenarios to be angry.

I've never understood this urge, for some men, to know the exact acts, race, make up or type of man their SO dated.


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## ConanHub

Maxpelle12 said:


> Thanks everyone for your comments. It's good to get other people's opinions. The problem I see with 'just letting it go' is that I dont think once a guy finds out about this type of thing would ever let go. I mean would any guy feel great knowing that she did everything and anything with others but not you, while you are working hard to progress the family. The incentive for you to work harder is what under these circumstances? Counselling is definitely something I will do.
> 
> In my view women and men see sex differently so I dont think it's the same for a women finding out her guy slept with others before her, could another better way of describing it if the women found out the way the husband treated his previous wife and kids was so much better. The husband worked harder was more ambitious etc. Is there a feeling of being unworthy or taken for granted that you might feel and if the husband said to you 'that's your problem not mine' how would that make you feel? Would you think the grass is greener on the other side?


Well, I could point out several parts of this post that are blatantly incorrect but you seemed to be convinced about your own expertise.

I was with about 60 women before meeting my wife at age 20 and I don't see things the way that you do at all.

You might be hell bent on destroying your marriage and damaging your kids but just be honest about it at least.

It's because you want to period.

Your issues are internal, I guarantee it. They aren't with your wife.

I did a lot of crazy, could be considered romantic and adventurous, stuff with other women before I met my wife, that I would never do again with anyone because I grew.

I also never married anyone but her and had children with no one else but her. Our path is ours and it is different from partners from our past.

Mrs. Conan tried anal once and decided it wasn't for her way before meeting me and told me "never" in no uncertain terms.

She also had a lot of public or risk of discovery sex with others and had no wish to do that with me.

I didn't marry her to shove my yam up her potato patch or get her to blow me in a restaurant.

I married her despite the fact she wasn't initially the greatest sex partner I ever had. I married her because I really loved her.

I don't think you feel that for your wife and since she isn't posting I'll leave it with you.


----------



## 269370

Maxpelle12 said:


> Thanks everyone for your comments. It's good to get other people's opinions. The problem I see with 'just letting it go' is that I dont think once a guy finds out about this type of thing would ever let go. I mean would any guy feel great knowing that she did everything and anything with others but not you, while you are working hard to progress the family. The incentive for you to work harder is what under these circumstances? Counselling is definitely something I will do.
> 
> In my view women and men see sex differently so I dont think it's the same for a women finding out her guy slept with others before her, could another better way of describing it if the women found out the way the husband treated his previous wife and kids was so much better. The husband worked harder was more ambitious etc. Is there a feeling of being unworthy or taken for granted that you might feel and if the husband said to you 'that's your problem not mine' how would that make you feel? Would you think the grass is greener on the other side?



If your wife, hypothetically, changed and did treat you better, sexually, would it make the situation and how you feel about her past any better for you?
You know it’s not very difficult to have frequent and kinky sex if both people are willing to put a little bit of effort...
Have you told her how you feel?


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----------



## 269370

ConanHub said:


> Well, I could point out several parts of this post that are blatantly incorrect but you seemed to be convinced about your own expertise.


By ‘incorrect’, you mean that you lived his life and know exactly what is going on?





ConanHub said:


> I was with about 60 women before meeting my wife at age 20 and I don't see things the way that you do at all.


What’s the amount of women you have been with has ANYTHING whatsoever got to do with his situation?





ConanHub said:


> You might be hell bent on destroying your marriage and damaging your kids but just be honest about it at least.
> 
> 
> 
> It's because you want to period.
> 
> 
> 
> Your issues are internal, I guarantee it. They aren't with your wife.
> 
> 
> 
> I did a lot of crazy, could be considered romantic and adventurous, stuff with other women before I met my wife, that I would never do again with anyone because I grew.
> 
> 
> 
> I also never married anyone but her and had children with no one else but her. Our path is ours and it is different from partners from our past.
> 
> 
> 
> Mrs. Conan tried anal once and decided it wasn't for her way before meeting me and told me "never" in no uncertain terms.


Ok, so let’s see: if your wife did anal before with many other guys and loved it, but said to you ‘in no uncertain terms’ that she is done with anal and won’t do it with you, you’d be over the hill about this?


Also, what would you do if she just stopped having sex with you frequently?



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----------



## TJW

Maxpelle12 said:


> I mean would any guy feel great knowing that she did everything and anything with others but not you, while you are working hard to progress the family. The incentive for you to work harder is what under these circumstances?


In a similar set of circumstances, I would feel quite the same as you.



Maxpelle12 said:


> Is there a feeling of being unworthy or taken for granted that you might feel and if the husband said to you 'that's your problem not mine' how would that make you feel?


Yes, there is a feeling of being unworthy and it is quite hard to ameliorate it. It is something that hangs upon you for a long time to come. And, your wife is engaging in blame shifting (onto you), and gaslighting (trying to imply that you're "crazy")..... when, in truth, she has lied to you and misrepresented herself to you, and she is reneging on her duty as a marriage partner - to provide you with the truth of WHY she did things with other men but not with you.

Ask her....point blank.... in very short sentence "Why did you do all these things with other men that you won't do with me ?" - She owes you the truth. And, this truth may help you to get your feelings equilibrated.

Right now, the way things are, there is a big "wall" being built between you and your wife. If something isn't done about it, there will come a time when sex gets stopped completely.



Maxpelle12 said:


> Would you think the grass is greener on the other side?


Yes, this thought would come to me. And, it would be enticing to simply get out and get free. I'm not recommending that. The grass on the other side is an unknown.


----------



## MattMatt

Maxpelle12 said:


> Thanks all for the advice. Just to add, she is a great mom and career women. We do have sex but it has significantly reduced and i know that the way she feels about sex with me is different to her previous lovers. She wore lingerie with her exs, she did more with them, she did dirty talk with them as well. While i get and accept the the advice that this is about resentment, something needs to change. I cannot reconcile the idea of staying in a marriage feeling like i missed out on the 'best of her'. I think i would be happier to be a father separate to her, at least i wont be thinking about her past.


Are you jealous of the fact that she sowed wild oats, whilst you didn't? That's not her fault, is it?

I think you might like to explore this resentment in therapy because if left untreated there is a risk that you might start resenting the children, too.

And of course you will be thinking of her past, married to her or not.


----------



## NobodySpecial

InMyPrime said:


> Ok, so let’s see: if your wife did anal before with many other guys and loved it, but said to you ‘in no uncertain terms’ that she is done with anal and won’t do it with you, you’d be over the hill about this?
> 
> 
> Also, what would you do if she just stopped having sex with you frequently?


I will never understand why what someone has previously done is a comparative in a marital relationship. What could possibly be the motive but insecurity?


----------



## 269370

NobodySpecial said:


> I will never understand why what someone has previously done is a comparative in a marital relationship. What could possibly be the motive but insecurity?




‘The past’ is just a reason people typically use to justify why their wife is not really ****ing them all that much. 

If she was, then the past would most likely be irrelevant and there wouldn’t be any insecurity.
Now there are men who still find something to be insecure about because that’s their nature but the OP didn’t strike me as such. 

If your husband stopped buying you crap or taking you out on dates and you then found out that he was a lot more romantic, spontaneous and fun with all his exes, would you not ask him wtf or would you tell yourself “the past is the past and I should be content with how he is treating me now”.

Past is largely irrelevant yes, but people seem to have difficult seeing a bigger picture or something, I don’t understand otherwise why it’s so difficult to grasp where insecurity potentially can stem from, why it’s not always paranoia or why it’s always down to the person who feels the insecurity, not to feel it. Again, feelings don’t exist in a vacuum in a relationship. It’s incredibly shortsighted to think that they do.


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----------



## NobodySpecial

InMyPrime said:


> ‘The past’ is just a reason people typically use to justify why their wife is not really ****ing them all that much.
> /QUOTE]
> 
> I don't understand in the context of this poster. The past is being used by the OP's wife to justify something? Or the OP is justifying the lack of sex because of the past? If the latter, I still don't see what the past has to do with justifying anything.


----------



## 269370

NobodySpecial said:


> InMyPrime said:
> 
> 
> 
> ‘The past’ is just a reason people typically use to justify why their wife is not really ****ing them all that much.
> 
> /QUOTE]
> 
> 
> 
> I don't understand in the context of this poster. The past is being used by the OP's wife to justify something? Or the OP is justifying the lack of sex because of the past? If the latter, I still don't see what the past has to do with justifying anything.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It’s the former. And let me rephrase it for you: the past is being used by the OP as a way to justify to himself why he is beginning to feel insecurity and resentment towards his wife for not ****ing him properly. People seem to conveniently ignore the very last part to paint men as spying control freaks.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Click to expand...


----------



## NobodySpecial

InMyPrime said:


> NobodySpecial said:
> 
> 
> 
> It’s the former. And let me rephrase it for you: the past is being used by the OP as a way to justify to himself why he is beginning to feel insecurity and resentment towards his wife for not ****ing him properly. People seem to conveniently ignore the very last part to paint men as spying control freaks.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
> 
> 
> 
> Gotcha.
Click to expand...


----------



## ConanHub

InMyPrime said:


> By ‘incorrect’, you mean that you lived his life and know exactly what is going on?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> What’s the amount of women you have been with has ANYTHING whatsoever got to do with his situation?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ok, so let’s see: if your wife did anal before with many other guys and loved it, but said to you ‘in no uncertain terms’ that she is done with anal and won’t do it with you, you’d be over the hill about this?
> 
> 
> Also, what would you do if she just stopped having sex with you frequently?
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You need to slow down again and let your mind breathe.

I will answer one.of your points.

He is blatantly incorrect about what he believes about women. I can say this with far greater authority than he probably can because I have a lot of experience with women and not just sexually.

I have observed women to be quite different than what he believes them to be in the post I quoted him about.

If you focus like a laser, you can probably see it. Your thought process seems to be more like a large bomb with a large area of affect which unfortunately correlates details that are unrelated to the post you quote but might be a factor elsewhere.


----------



## ConanHub

InMyPrime said:


> ‘The past’ is just a reason people typically use to justify why their wife is not really ****ing them all that much.
> 
> If she was, then the past would most likely be irrelevant and there wouldn’t be any insecurity.
> Now there are men who still find something to be insecure about because that’s their nature but the OP didn’t strike me as such.
> 
> If your husband stopped buying you crap or taking you out on dates and you then found out that he was a lot more romantic, spontaneous and fun with all his exes, would you not ask him wtf or would you tell yourself “the past is the past and I should be content with how he is treating me now”.
> 
> Past is largely irrelevant yes, but people seem to have difficult seeing a bigger picture or something, I don’t understand otherwise why it’s so difficult to grasp where insecurity potentially can stem from, why it’s not always paranoia or why it’s always down to the person who feels the insecurity, not to feel it. Again, feelings don’t exist in a vacuum in a relationship. It’s incredibly shortsighted to think that they do.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I have no difficulty at all grasping what you are talking about.

I simply do not believe their current sexual situation has much to do with the past and everything to do with the present.

OP has internal issues that are far more likely to be contributing to the current sexual situation.

There is obviously insecurity and dissatisfaction on his part but we can only guess at what her end looks like.


----------



## NobodySpecial

ConanHub said:


> I have no difficulty at all grasping what you are talking about.
> 
> I simply do not believe their current sexual situation has much to do with the past and everything to do with the present.
> 
> OP has internal issues that are far more likely to be contributing to the current sexual situation.
> 
> There is obviously insecurity and dissatisfaction on his part but we can only guess at what her end looks like.


This.


----------



## 269370

ConanHub said:


> I have no difficulty at all grasping what you are talking about.
> 
> I simply do not believe their current sexual situation has much to do with the past and everything to do with the present.
> 
> OP has internal issues that are far more likely to be contributing to the current sexual situation.
> 
> There is obviously insecurity and dissatisfaction on his part but we can only guess at what her end looks like.


I don't disagree with this. Perhaps it's some of the posts that rub me the wrong way but they seem to swing to such extremes from one end to another: I don't think life is so black and white. 

Have you ever felt insecurity? If not, then you maybe won't be able to easily relate to the OP. This particular situation is somewhat alien for me too (in the way that it was composed) but I cannot guarantee I wouldn't feel insecure if my wife decided to stop/reduce sex significantly with me. We discuss these things all the time, the only difference here is that his wife has a past so she obviously has not always been LD.


----------



## 269370

ConanHub said:


> I have no difficulty at all grasping what you are talking about.
> 
> I simply do not believe their current sexual situation has much to do with the past and everything to do with the present.


But this is exactly what I have been saying: the present is the problem. They sort out the present, the past goes away.


----------



## ConanHub

InMyPrime said:


> I don't disagree with this. Perhaps it's some of the posts that rub me the wrong way but they seem to swing to such extremes from one end to another: I don't think life is so black and white.
> 
> Have you ever felt insecurity? If not, then you maybe won't be able to easily relate to the OP. This particular situation is somewhat alien for me too (in the way that it was composed) but I cannot guarantee I wouldn't feel insecure if my wife decided to stop/reduce sex significantly with me. We discuss these things all the time, the only difference here is that his wife has a past so she obviously has not always been LD.


I don't believe this woman is LD. Just has a different dynamic with her husband and is probably a bit of a different person than who she was with and who she was before.

I have been insecure but I have a very lopsided driving ambitious nature that usually and totally overwhelms any insecurities.


----------



## Ursula

BruceBanner said:


> Personally I would divorce her. *The past determines the future* and bad habits die hard. Once I knew my partner was capable of that I would get rid of them. Also I bet OP's wife doesn't do things she used to do for her previous boyfriends or strangers in the past. I would also recommend you DNA test your children.
> *You're being ridiculous. It wouldn't be difficult to find a woman who hasn't done any of the things OP's wife has done.*


The past doesn’t always determine the future; people change and they grow. As for me being ridiculous, I don’t think I am. Maybe it’s the difference between men and women, but I’ve met some men online who’ve turned into friends of mine, and they say the same thing: it’s damn hard to find some you click with, let alone someone who won’t try to take advantage of you. And, Mr. Banner, maybe it’s the difference of where you live versus where I live that determines the quality of the majority of people out there in the dating world.


----------



## personofinterest

Ursula said:


> BruceBanner said:
> 
> 
> 
> Personally I would divorce her. *The past determines the future* and bad habits die hard. Once I knew my partner was capable of that I would get rid of them. Also I bet OP's wife doesn't do things she used to do for her previous boyfriends or strangers in the past. I would also recommend you DNA test your children.
> *You're being ridiculous. It wouldn't be difficult to find a woman who hasn't done any of the things OP's wife has done.*
> 
> 
> 
> The past doesn’t always determine the future; people change and they grow. As for me being ridiculous, I don’t think I am. Maybe it’s the difference between men and women, but I’ve met some men online who’ve turned into friends of mine, and they say the same thing: it’s damn hard to find some you click with, let alone someone who won’t try to take advantage of you. And, Mr. Banner, maybe it’s the difference of where you live versus where I live that determines the quality of the majority of people out there in the dating world.
Click to expand...

 This is a bitter poster who despises women and advocates abandoning children one has raised 4 years. What do you expect him to say?


----------



## TJW

ConanHub said:


> I have been insecure but I have a very lopsided driving ambitious nature that usually and totally overwhelms any insecurities.


You are extremely blessed in this, the genetic lottery treated you well in terms of your personality type.


----------



## 269370

ConanHub said:


> I don't believe this woman is LD. Just has a different dynamic with her husband and is probably a bit of a different person than who she was with and who she was before.
> 
> I have been insecure but I have a very lopsided driving ambitious nature that usually and totally overwhelms any insecurities.


Maybe you haven't been insecure *enough*.
Yes, that was my point (that the woman is *not* LD) since she was active before, but not so anymore. Hence husband's insecurities.


----------



## ConanHub

InMyPrime said:


> Maybe you haven't been insecure *enough*.
> Yes, that was my point (that the woman is *not* LD) since she was active before, but not so anymore. Hence husband's insecurities.


Sigh. I don't believe she is LD currently. 3x a week isn't bad and I would bet my Sedona that his interactions with her are affecting frequency and quality.


----------



## NobodySpecial

InMyPrime said:


> Maybe you haven't been insecure *enough*.
> Yes, that was my point (that the woman is *not* LD) since she was active before, but not so anymore. Hence husband's insecurities.


Here's the rub with this. HIS insecurities are HIS. Doing this blame dance is just a displacement of where the growth needs to come from. She cannot change her past. And doing a kinky/sexy escalation dance to nurse his poor ego won't help their relationship. HE needs to own HIS insecurity for him to deal. Comparing her to then/them and now/him is a distraction.


----------



## EllisRedding

ConanHub said:


> Sigh. I don't believe she is LD currently. 3x a week isn't bad and* I would bet my Sedona* that his interactions with her are affecting frequency and quality.


The city or the car? If the car, you are gonna need to up that wager


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

OP, you claim that you just happened to come across this latest information about your wife's past sexual exploits from some old friends, but...exactly_ *how*_ does this just "happen?" I mean, did this information just serendipitously fall out their mouths and magically manage to fall into your lap *without any encouragement *from you? 

My point is that the only time friends are usually *happy* to tell a husband all about his wife's sexual exploits from the past is when said husband is looking for ammunition and has *encouraged* these friends to tell him these things. And I think that's what you did, OP. Because I don't know one single person who would blurt out - *without being asked* - sordid and dirty details they know about a man's wife to him. That doesn't happen unless they're being encouraged.

It seems you want to leave this marriage but your guilt won't let you because it would be too selfish to leave just because you think you were too young to get married and want a re-do. That's why I think you're just looking to build a case against your wife for why you should be "allowed" to leave. You already have a victim mentality blaming everyone else for pushing you into a marriage you feel you were too young to be in, but the truth is, you lacked the guts to stand up for yourself and say "no." I think you're looking to leave this marriage guilt-free, and I think that's why you purposefully got that information from her friends. Now you can add *resentment* about her sexual past - information that you went LOOKING FOR - to your grievance list of all the unfair atrocities she's visited on you since you met her. 

I think you honestly believe you're a _victim_ but the sad truth is, you simply lack the testicular fortitude to stand up for yourself, to respect your own boundaries, and to command the respect of others.


----------



## bandit.45

MattMatt said:


> Are you jealous of the fact that she sowed wild oats, whilst you didn't? That's not her fault, is it?
> 
> I think you might like to explore this resentment in therapy because if left untreated there is a risk that you might start resenting the children, too.
> 
> And of course you will be thinking of her past, married to her or not.



It is her fault for hiding the fact that she was a bicycle for hood thugs. How would you feel if one day, (hypothetically) after years and years of marriage, you found out from an old friend of your wife's that she had been a rock groupie for years before she married you? 

"Wow honey... so... you were a road ho for Motorhead huh? My my, funny you never mentioned that. I was wondering why I was growing warts on my penis..."


----------



## bandit.45

She'sStillGotIt said:


> OP, you claim that you just happened to come across this latest information about your wife's past sexual exploits from some old friends, but...exactly_ *how*_ does this just "happen?" I mean, did this information just serendipitously fall out their mouths and magically manage to fall into your lap *without any encouragement *from you?
> 
> My point is that the only time friends are usually *happy* to tell a husband all about his wife's sexual exploits from the past is when said husband is looking for ammunition and has *encouraged* these friends to tell him these things. And I think that's what you did, OP. Because I don't know one single person who would blurt out - *without being asked* - sordid and dirty details they know about a man's wife to him. That doesn't happen unless they're being encouraged.
> 
> I think you're just looking to build a case against your wife for why you should be "allowed" to leave. You already have a victim mentality blaming everyone else for pushing you into a marriage you feel you were too young to be in, but the truth is, you lacked the guts to stand up for yourself and say "no." I think you're looking to leave this marriage guilt-free, and I think that's why you purposefully got that information from her friends. Now you can add *resentment* about her sexual past - information that you went LOOKING FOR - to your grievance list of all the unfair atrocities she's visited on you since you met her.
> 
> I think you honestly believe you're a _victim_ but the sad truth is, you simply lack the testicular fortitude to stand up for yourself, to respect your own boundaries, and to command the respect of others.


I usually agree with your posts. Not this one. 

The friends of the wife were probably drunk and blabbed the truth to him. Or she has a friend whose a loudmouth and let the truth slip in conversation. 

The end game here is that this guy got married way too young, to a woman he probably didn't love enough to want to marry, and now that all this information has come to life he is regretting it even more. 

People divorce for this reason all the time...because they are unhappy with their choice in partner, and as the years go by new evidence and reasons come to light to reinforce those feelings more and more. OP needs to divorce his wife, go out and experience life on his own, share with the parenting with the ex, and find a woman with whom he can feel he's on more equal footing. 

Y'all need to quit beating up on him. I don't particularly feel sorry for the wife. She made choices in her life, and choices have consequences down the road. This is one of them. If you don't want to be seen as a loose person, don't be a loose person. I don't know why this is such a hard truth for people to swallow.


----------



## ConanHub

bandit.45 said:


> It is her fault for hiding the fact that she was a bicycle for hood thugs. How would you feel if one day, (hypothetically) after years and years of marriage, you found out from an old friend of your wife's that she had been a rock groupie for years before she married you?
> 
> "Wow honey... so... you were a road ho for Motorhead huh? My my, funny you never mentioned that. I was wondering why I was growing warts on my penis..."


STD's aren't a factor but I'll take this one.

If this happened to me, I would have a conversation with her about what she felt about it and why she didn't talk to me about it.

Odds are she would be embarrassed or ashamed about it because she has been a solid wife to me for years.

I have empathy for guys who feel insecure about this stuff but I don't at all so it is an internal problem that only affects some individuals.

There was a lot that was known about this woman before OP got her pregnant and married her.

He is vague about finding out more but it honestly just sounds like more of the same information he already knew.

I wouldn't want to be a woman married to this guy. He resents marrying her and only did it for the kids? Yay....

He is at least as responsible for the state of his marriage as his wife.

She is a good wife and mother and even works too!!

She really wouldn't have trouble finding an eager replacement unless she looks like a walrus.

My oldest is married to a walrus that has the temperament of a Chihuahua with rabies.


----------



## NobodySpecial

ConanHub said:


> My oldest is married to a walrus that has the temperament of a Chihuahua with rabies.


I can't un-see this now.


----------



## Ursula

InMyPrime said:


> I don't disagree with this. Perhaps it's some of the posts that rub me the wrong way but they seem to swing to such extremes from one end to another: I don't think life is so black and white.
> 
> Have you ever felt insecurity? If not, then you maybe won't be able to easily relate to the OP. This particular situation is somewhat alien for me too (in the way that it was composed) but I cannot guarantee I wouldn't feel insecure if my wife decided to stop/reduce sex significantly with me. We discuss these things all the time, the only difference here is that *his wife has a past so she obviously has not always been LD.*


I've read every post thus far, but must've missed something. I don't remember OP saying that his wife is LD, just that sex isn't quite as frequent, which makes sense given that they're parents and probably have a lot going on. I'd bet that after a day of working, looking after children's needs, cleaning and cooking, OP's wife may not feel like having wild horndog sex with her husband. My energy levels certainly wouldn't be up for doing that! What I don't remember being stated, is how much the OP contributes to the household duties. Does he look after the cooking and dishes while his wife looks after the children? Does he contribute to cleaning up at the end of the day? Or, does he go sit on the couch and wait while his wife looks after everything? There's a big difference there, and one that would make any spouse feel like a life partner versus a maid/chef/taken advantage of.


----------



## 269370

Ursula said:


> I've read every post thus far, but must've missed something. I don't remember OP saying that his wife is LD, just that sex isn't quite as frequent, which makes sense given that they're parents and probably have a lot going on.



Maybe. **** knows. I am always on the side of the underdog anyway, just in case.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## sa58

Ok so if you walk away and play the single life
she gets to do that also right ? Will you be thinking
about who she is with then ? What she is wearing
and doing with them ? What if she starts a new long 
term relationship ? Together they take the kids on vacation,
thinking about that also ? What if she gets remarried and 
then seems really happy ? Kids also. Your single living the 
good life then right ? 

I have known people who got married to their first love.
Men and women both. First in everything, sex included.
Then they divorced, because they thought they had missed
out on something. They found out the hard way that they 
hadn't. They missed what they had to begin with. Some moved 
on with out any regrets.

The past is the past, what you want and have now is what
matters. Either work on this together or let her go. This doesn't 
mean it will last forever or fall apart. That is the future, you could
spend your every waking moment worrying about that also. Or you
could spend your time working on your marriage and making it better.

That is your choice, it is called life how you live yours is up to you.
If you truly don't want to stay with her let her go. It is not fair to 
to keep her in limbo. She gets to live her life also, with you or with out.

If you keep thinking about this and that and everything in between she
may decide for you. Think about that now? Her life she gets to decide
that also.


----------



## Ursula

bandit.45 said:


> It is her fault for hiding the fact that she was a bicycle for hood thugs. How would you feel if one day, (hypothetically) after years and years of marriage, you found out from an old friend of your wife's that she had been a rock groupie for years before she married you?
> 
> "Wow honey... so... you were a road ho for Motorhead huh? My my, funny you never mentioned that. I was wondering why I was growing warts on my penis..."


That's a pretty big jump from "gosh golly, my wife has a past" to "that's why I've had gential warts for years"


----------



## Ursula

InMyPrime said:


> Maybe. **** knows. *I am always on the side of the underdog anyway, just in case.*


Me too. It's why I'm siding with the wife in this particular instance, because there's nothing wrong with having a past (everyone has one), and she also doesn't have a voice on this forum. She seems like a stand-up person the way OP has described her, and would do well to be free of her husband.


----------



## Ursula

personofinterest said:


> This is a bitter poster who despises women and advocates abandoning children one has raised 4 years. What do you expect him to say?


Oh, this is _that_ guy...


----------



## ConanHub

NobodySpecial said:


> I can't un-see this now.


I apologise for violating your mind. Lol! > I have to live with it every day and I'm just stumped about it when a wife as solid as this one isn't appreciated more.

My youngest son isn't nearly as responsible or hardworking as my oldest and his fiance is beautiful, had a degree before graduating high school and is ambitious and definitely the intellectual leader of their partnership. To his credit, my youngest is amazing with people and has positively influenced her life and the lives of her family.:smile2:


----------



## samyeagar

InMyPrime said:


> Ah here we go. So that’s the issue then, not her past. I doubt there are any men who care about their wife’s past as long as she is ****ing their brains out.
> (How do you know so much detail about her past anyway?)
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Have not read past this post yet, but this is the right post for me to say a bit...

My wife has quite a colorful past. A small amount of it, I knew early on. Other, somewhat more difficult details came out much later in the relationship, well after the strong emotional bonds had been built, and yet more came out after we were married. None of it came out through my asking, prodding, or curiosity. I never once asked anything beyond if she had ever cheated, or had an STI. It all came out incidentally through things reminisced upon by friends, situations that forced discussion, overheard conversations.

The most recent was a couple of months back where she was talking on the phone with one of her friends who was having yet another relationship crisis, and part of the conversation was the whole "Why can't I ever find a good man, and always pick the a-holes" which somehow flowed into sex, cheating, numbers etc, and in response to something her friend said, my wife said she didn't think she was quite into triple digits, but if she was it wasn't by much. Well, that is about triple what she had told me years ago before we were married.

Her past has caused me some issues that I think may go beyond retroactive jealousy, and I think the only thing that has actually kept that knowledge bearable is the fact that she is just as wild with me as anything with past partners, even more so in some ways, and that I am absolutely getting the best of her.


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## NobodySpecial

Ursula said:


> Oh, this is _that_ guy...


Yup.


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## 269370

samyeagar said:


> Have not read past this post yet, but this is the right post for me to say a bit...
> 
> My wife has quite a colorful past. A small amount of it, I knew early on. Other, somewhat more difficult details came out much later in the relationship, well after the strong emotional bonds had been built, and yet more came out after we were married. None of it came out through my asking, prodding, or curiosity. I never once asked anything beyond if she had ever cheated, or had an STI. It all came out incidentally through things reminisced upon by friends, situations that forced discussion, overheard conversations.
> 
> The most recent was a couple of months back where she was talking on the phone with one of her friends who was having yet another relationship crisis, and part of the conversation was the whole "Why can't I ever find a good man, and always pick the a-holes" which somehow flowed into sex, cheating, numbers etc, and in response to something her friend said, my wife said she didn't think she was quite into triple digits, but if she was it wasn't by much. Well, that is about triple what she had told me years ago before we were married.
> 
> Her past has caused me some issues that I think may go beyond retroactive jealousy, and I think the only thing that has actually kept that knowledge bearable is the fact that she is just as wild with me as anything with past partners, even more so in some ways, and that I am absolutely getting the best of her.


Yes, to me, this makes absolutely perfect sense.
Perhaps the answer is honesty and frequent, wild monkey sex with current partner!


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## ConanHub

samyeagar said:


> Have not read past this post yet, but this is the right post for me to say a bit...
> 
> My wife has quite a colorful past. A small amount of it, I knew early on. Other, somewhat more difficult details came out much later in the relationship, well after the strong emotional bonds had been built, and yet more came out after we were married. None of it came out through my asking, prodding, or curiosity. I never once asked anything beyond if she had ever cheated, or had an STI. It all came out incidentally through things reminisced upon by friends, situations that forced discussion, overheard conversations.
> 
> The most recent was a couple of months back where she was talking on the phone with one of her friends who was having yet another relationship crisis, and part of the conversation was the whole "Why can't I ever find a good man, and always pick the a-holes" which somehow flowed into sex, cheating, numbers etc, and in response to something her friend said, my wife said she didn't think she was quite into triple digits, but if she was it wasn't by much. Well, that is about triple what she had told me years ago before we were married.
> 
> Her past has caused me some issues that I think may go beyond retroactive jealousy, and I think the only thing that has actually kept that knowledge bearable is the fact that she is just as wild with me as anything with past partners, even more so in some ways, and that I am absolutely getting the best of her.


Interesting. I don't have a problem with OP's wife because she didn't blatantly lie.

Your wife did and that would seriously piss me off. I'm not bothered about almost anything in someone's rear view mirror but blatant lies do not make for anything I would want.

Her past bother you more or the lying about it?


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## Taxman

I have seen this once before, and frankly it is a dangerous mindset. My view of the entire scenario, is that OP will use her past to justify either an affair, or a divorce. As I said, I had one couple come to the office for me to determine which had the greater equity in their home and business. Financially speaking it was a minefield. As they got to talking, which is not unusual for people in this situation, (I find that they want to explain their reasons to split) He pointed out that she had a past, and she was his first. She had, somewhat misled him when they were dating, limiting the number of partners from her past. It apparently was made clear to him after a period of a few years, that she had a more extensive past, and had experienced several things that she did not do with him. He found out from a former best girlfriend of hers, (sounds to me as if the GF had an agenda, and told him things that unnerved him) He had confronted his wife, and after her confession, their marriage slowly unraveled. I took this as him being both immature and resentful. He used the knowledge provided by the girlfriend, and justified less than stellar behavior. His wife was accommodating, but ultimately, he justified betraying her, and ended the marriage. He has not remarried. She has a nice relationship with a gentleman of my acquaintance, and she learnt to be more forthcoming with her past. My opinion of the now ex husband has not changed, immature and resentful. SMDH.


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## EllisRedding

ConanHub said:


> Interesting. I don't have a problem with OP's wife because she didn't blatantly lie.
> 
> Your wife did and that would seriously piss me off. I'm not bothered about almost anything in someone's rear view mirror but blatant lies do not make for anything I would want.
> 
> Her past bother you more or the lying about it?


I am on board with you Conan, riding down the highway in your Sedona while you MB at home for the 8th time lol

I would not so much be bothered about my Ws past if I found out down the road if it wasn't something that we had already discussed. However, if it was something we did discuss and she blatantly left out information (or flat out lied), that would be a huge issue. Those are things that may have impacted my decision earlier on as to whether or not to continue the relationship, so purposefully holding back that information is a big no no.


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## sa58

OP

The past,

How many people on here or in real life have a past ?
Good, bad, worth remembering or filled with regret. 
How many people are still the same or have they 
changed and grown ? Me and my wife have changed.
When we met we had no kids. I was in the delivery 
room for both of their births. She had a miscarriage,
I was there for that to. We both have traveled
and seen many things and places together. Met a lot
of great people and different cultures. 

Now we have grand kids and that is a new experience to.
Can't do a lot of the things I used to be able to do. Old bones
and aches and pains. Not going to stop living and trying thou.
Guess it could all end anytime, but I have lived and enjoyed 
every moment with her. Planning on many more, maybe great
grand kids. 

Did we both have some relationships before we met. Yes
we did, way back in the past. Some good some bad, they don't 
matter. What we have and have been through out weighs it all.
Talked about them all.

My point is OP what you and her have together should matter most.
She may not have told you everything because she regrets those 
things. Mistakes she made, and wants to forget. I am sure you made 
some also. We all do when were young, its what we learn from them
that counts the most. That is what people do after all.

Hope you work this out for all of you.


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## ConanHub

EllisRedding said:


> I am on board with you Conan, riding down the highway in your Sedona while you MB at home for the 8th time lol
> 
> I would not so much be bothered about my Ws past if I found out down the road if it wasn't something that we had already discussed. However, if it was something we did discuss and she blatantly left out information (or flat out lied), that would be a huge issue. Those are things that may have impacted my decision earlier on as to whether or not to continue the relationship, so purposefully holding back that information is a big no no.


My hat brother and I really like it.


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## manfromlamancha

I agree with Bandit on this. Need to stop beating up on him. Whether he wants out of the marriage or not, the basic fact is she lied to him! About cheating! He never got the chance to take that into consideration. And now he also knows that she did things for others but won't do it with him. It may be her God given right to not do them but it will still sting.

So for all the ones saying she is a great wife where are you getting that from ? For all saying she cannot change her past, well neither can a murderer who did not confess to murdering someone (not as extreme, I know). But she chose to do it, chose not to tell him and now makes him feel like she is withholding sexual favours (even if she isnt).

Now it may be true that he wants out anyway but you cannot ignore what she has done too.


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## Dazedandconfused57!

The OP does seem to want this to justify divorcing his wife. That seems rash, but it's ultimately his to decide. 

I do kind of get his feeling like he's missing something with this current, tamer version of his wife. I know it's an overstatement and I understand how people and priorities change, but sometimes it seems like people, usually women with a wild past are explaining their transition to a more placid sex life with something like, "I love you and I'm done having fun, so let's get married". Little bit like that.


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## turnera

Maxpelle12 said:


> Thanks all for the advice. Just to add, she is a great mom and career women. We do have sex but it has significantly reduced and i know that the way she feels about sex with me is different to her previous lovers. She wore lingerie with her exs, she did more with them, she did dirty talk with them as well. While i get and accept the the advice that this is about resentment, something needs to change. I cannot reconcile the idea of staying in a marriage feeling like i missed out on the 'best of her'. I think i would be happier to be a father separate to her, at least i wont be thinking about her past.


So basically, you're getting married sex and you're jealous that she got to have a lot of crazy sex and you didn't.

And you're twisting this around to be her fault because you won't admit the truth.

Classy.


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## samyeagar

ConanHub said:


> Interesting. I don't have a problem with OP's wife because she didn't blatantly lie.
> 
> Your wife did and that would seriously piss me off. I'm not bothered about almost anything in someone's rear view mirror but blatant lies do not make for anything I would want.
> 
> Her past bother you more or the lying about it?


This particular lie or understatement while uncomfortable for sure, didn't bother me as much as it could have mainly because 35 or 100, meh, by the time one gets into those numbers, it becomes pretty academic. She was the one who asked me very point blank and early on what my number was. After a minute or so of uncomfortable disbelief, she told me hers. For those who might want to try and go down that road, she told me without my prompting. What I heard recently did actually amuse me a bit because of the old adage that one should take what a woman says her number is and multiply by three to get the truth. Well, anecdotally, there ya have it.

It was evident from the very start that she and I saw sex differently. She sees sex as more of a recreational activity like golf or rollerskating with no necessity for higher importance or deeper meaning. There is also very little that she hadn't tried previous to me, but combine that with her competitive nature, and her trophy collection tendencies, and there were a lot of firsts for me that she actively tried to collect...even if they were things she did not like to do previously, she wanted to make sure she could lay claim to being my first in what ever it was.


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## samyeagar

turnera said:


> So basically, you're getting married sex and you're jealous that she got to have a lot of crazy sex and you didn't.
> 
> And you're twisting this around to be her fault because you won't admit the truth.
> 
> Classy.


Why does married sex have to be different than single crazy sex?


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## NobodySpecial

samyeagar said:


> This particular lie or understatement while uncomfortable for sure, didn't bother me as much as it could have mainly because 35 or 100, meh, by the time one gets into those numbers, it becomes pretty academic. She was the one who asked me very point blank and early on what my number was. After a minute or so of uncomfortable disbelief, she told me hers. For those who might want to try and go down that road, she told me without my prompting. What I heard recently did actually amuse me a bit because of the old adage that one should take what a woman says her number is and multiply by three to get the truth. Well, anecdotally, there ya have it.


35 * 3 <> 100. Just sayin'. 




> It was evident from the very start that she and I saw sex differently. She sees sex as more of a recreational activity like golf or rollerskating with no necessity for higher importance or deeper meaning. There is also very little that she hadn't tried previous to me, but combine that with her competitive nature, and her trophy collection tendencies, and there were a lot of firsts for me that she actively tried to collect...even if they were things she did not like to do previously, she wanted to make sure she could lay claim to being my first in what ever it was.


Sounds like it worked for you guys! Yay!


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## samyeagar

NobodySpecial said:


> 35 * 3 <> 100. Just sayin'.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sounds like it worked for you guys! Yay!


Yep. She she initially said she was pretty sure she was somewhere in the mid thirties but didn't know exactly how many. Talking to her friend, somewhere around 100. That's pretty much the same, give or take 

Yeah, it does work for us largely because she is sexually consistent between me and her past, which is not to be confused with sexually the same.


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## NobodySpecial

samyeagar said:


> Yep. She she initially said she was pretty sure she was somewhere in the mid thirties but didn't know exactly how many. Talking to her friend, somewhere around 100. That's pretty much the same, give or take
> 
> Yeah, it does work for us largely because she is sexually consistent between me and her past, which is not to be confused with sexually the same.


I get the sense that with whom this is not the case, there is a sense that she chose the husband for the paycheck and stability. And it is weird because I can understand how that stings and at the same time think, well it was good enough for you before you knew.


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## uhtred

Interesting. After 30 years of marriage, I don't know my wife's past. Never asked.


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## Buddy400

samyeagar said:


> Have not read past this post yet, but this is the right post for me to say a bit...


samyeager is back!


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## red oak

uhtred said:


> Interesting. After 30 years of marriage, I don't know my wife's past. Never asked.


Seriously?

I couldn't imagine, although I like to know what made a person who they are helping me to determine if they are compatible. So color me whatever.


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## samyeagar

NobodySpecial said:


> I get the sense that with whom this is not the case, there is a sense that she chose the husband for the paycheck and stability. And it is weird because I can understand how that stings and at the same time think, *well it was good enough for you before you knew*.


Enter thoughts of deception, insecurity, and...one of these things is not like the other...


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## 269370

uhtred said:


> Interesting. After 30 years of marriage, I don't know my wife's past. Never asked.



Maybe she used to be a dragon? You should ask.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## uhtred

That would be pretty cool. 






InMyPrime said:


> Maybe she used to be a dragon? You should ask.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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