# Husband shared a dark secret



## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

In all of our 17 years of marriage, these last six to eight months have been the hardest, most difficult of them all. 

My husband is a wonderful, wonderful man, but we have spent the last six to nearly seven years living more like roommates than lovers, for although intimate in other ways, we have not had actual intercourse ONCE in that entire timeframe! I have also had my share of tears and our share of discussions over his collections of pornography. The cycle has always been the same (even back to our dating years). I find his stash, cry over it, we talk about it, he promises to get rid of it and a few years later .... we're back to square one! 

As for me and my personal struggle right now. In April of this year I reconnected with an old friend on FB and we have been in constant contact ever since. Would I categorize it as an emotional affair? Probably, yes. As much as I love talking to him, though, I'm miserable inside! Part of my misery is because I know what I'm doing is completely wrong and part of my misery is that I'm feeling like I want out of my marriage. Would I necessarily leave my husband for this other man? No. Would, though, I enjoy being single again, allowing me to date this other man? Yes. 

The third and biggest issue (which I feel could answer a lot of questions) is that in our having a serious conversation last night about us, our marriage (his does know about this old friend, but I, of course, have minimalized it) and our future/lack of future, my husband revealed to me that he was molested as a child. It was NOT a family member, and his family doesn't even know about it. Not even his parents. All I could do was cry, but that was all he was willing to share. He didn't want to talk about it any further, or go into any type of detail. Later that evening, my sadness turned to anger!! How could someone do this to the little boy that is now my husband? Could these terrible, terrible experiences have caused his heavy interest in porn and his lack of intimacy? Could this be the reason why he never wanted any children?

I have absolutely no reason not to believe his story. He says he doesn't want to lose me, but he's tired of living this way. He claims I'm sad all the time (which I am), and he just doesn't feel like my heart is in the marriage anymore (which I don't know if it is, either). But do I want it to end? I honestly don't know. I think we allowed our marriage to die. Can we bring it back to life? But if we do, will his very sad, traumatic past always bring these same issues to the marriage? 

Any advice, personal stories, anything would be greatly appreciated! Thank you kindly!


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Why don't you suggest he go into individual therapy to work it through and to grow as a healthy man.
Maybe you two can try sex therapy with someone who has experience with childhood molestation.
The individual therapist could find recommendations for well respected sex therapists that wouldn't make things worse for you two.
Maybe you could get individual therapy too to help you work through the frustrations you have on your plate.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Considering he hasn't had sex in almost 7 years, you can't really blame him for having porn - that's his sexual outlet. I don't think the porn is the cause here, however his sexual abuse as a child may be contributing to him not trying to be sexual with you... do you ever initiate, even on the purely physical level with him? Does he have performance/erection issues? What was sex life like 10, 15 years ago? It also doesn't help that you have been putting your emotional energies elsewhere (not blaming you entirely, just suggesting that your EA is certainly only harming your chances of being able to get past this bad part of your marriage).


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

Lon said:


> Considering he hasn't had sex in almost 7 years, you can't really blame him for having porn - that's his sexual outlet. QUOTE]
> 
> I've ALWAYS been the initiator!! I've been the one that has said time and time again, "We're growing apart, we NEED that physical connection, this is NOT normal, etc." His answer was always the same, "I know, I know!" It's no excuse, but I've been a lonely wife for a long time. I don't think I really realized it, though, until I made this reconnection. You sometimes don't realize how vulnerable you really are until certain circumstances develop. I'm not entirely to blame here!


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

YupItsMe said:


> Forcing your husband to deny his interest in pornography is absurd especially with the history you describe. You have turned yourself into the police department in your home. If it makes him happy then you ought to get over it. Why would anyone want to date the cops? Why not liberate the poor man and tell him its ok? You need therapy to get over your hang up with porn. Men are visual and enjoy looking at women. Then you sneak around, lying and have an emotional affair which is wrong where porn is not. .


When porn has caused intimacy in your own marriage to suffer, IT IS NOT okay!!! It's also not okay, in general!! I can understand a few peeks here and there, but an entire collection? How do you think that makes a wife feel??!! He'd rather look at porn than make love to his wife?! Not that this should matter by ANY MEANS, by I am a person of normal weight, have always cared about my looks, etc.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Tigger,

The other posters probably don't know your story, so I'm sorry that you are being blamed for his porn problem.

Sexual abuse does not HAVE to turn into a porn problem for men. In fact, I would venture to say that he needs to get this out of his life. Call a spade a spade - he's using it to avoid dealing with the issues that prevent him from meeting your needs.

I was sexually abused as a boy, and again in a youth detention center for boys. To be honest, your EA will hurt him more than you can ever know. All of the things he has done sexually are ways to run from his problems, which focus around the belief that real, in the flesh people cannot be trusted. By revealing his past abuse, it does offer new ways to approach the lack of sex in your relationship. By seeing a therapist, he can learn to trust you completely, and let go of the fear he feels when intimate.

You are a woman of faith and integrity - please let him go if you if you do not intend to stop the EA. I really don't know how effective therapy can be at his age, since I overcame many of the issues much younger, but connecting to you intimately has to be in a way that he senses trust and acceptance.

I know its different for different men, but sex abuse can make men hyper-afraid of turning out like their abuser. Since it often involves a person of trust, it shatters the ability to really trust what our society calls traditional trustworthy people. So he likely approaches sex with you with a whole lot of baggage. He's afraid of not being normal, not being able to meet your needs. Afraid that if he opens himself completely, you might betray that trust.

If a guy overcomes the trust issues, most that I know, including myself, become much more sexual than many other men. Through connecting with the one we love, we get the reassurance that we crave, that she can be trusted. Honestly, many abused people never get to this place though. Life proves them right in their doubts over and over, and they never really try.

Others will disagree, I'm sure, but my suggestion is to end this friendship silently and completely. Do not tell him until you've made the decision to stay committed, or divorce, and he is in some sort of therapy.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

I was molested as an 11 year old three times(I was an altar boy, BTW). It affected me a lot and made intimacy tough for me.
I was a very good looking young man, excellent athlete. In college, I turned down countless opportunities for sex.
Porn addiciton is a way to avoid intimacy. Intimacy requires trust and that is difficult for someone who has been molested(I told my mom, BTW, and we never talked about it after that one time).
Just like women who have been molested as children act in strange ways as regards sexual intimacy, I think men do, too.
I think your H may be at the beginning of his road to recovery(although one is always scarred to some extent).
He did not choose the molestation. Sometimes, the actions of a predator on a child doom the kid to a lifetime of issues.Remember, when this happened to him, he was a kid.
One more thing, as regards your infidelity. You need to realize that infidelity affects vicitms differently. Some folks, who had secure upbingings, without the type of trauma your H had, get past it Okay.With folks with a background like your H(and me) getting past this seems particularly difficult. It is another sign that people are not tp be trusted.
I am dealing with that now. I still look pretty good. I am successful athletically and in my law practice. Kids and dogs love me. Yet, I cannot bring myself to go out with women.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Halien put it quite well. Porn does not require vulnerability on the part of the viewer.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Tigger,

I'm not really going to be checking this site in the future (I've worked through many issues), so if you have questions about how sexual abuse affects a man, please feel free to PM me.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

tigger01 said:


> Lon said:
> 
> 
> > Considering he hasn't had sex in almost 7 years, you can't really blame him for having porn - that's his sexual outlet. QUOTE]
> ...


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

wifeofhusband said:


> It's a huge act of trust that your husband has shared this with you now. Good on you for having a supportive response. Please encourage him to go to counseling. Now that he has acknowledged it he can begin to heal.


This is true. I was the golden boy. I felt I would be looked at as damaged and weak for letting this happen to me.
Now, that I have kids of my own, Ican see that an 11 year old had no responsibility for this and little means of preventing it. I still cannot believe a man could do this to me as a child.
But, I never, for almost 40 years, told anyone(except my mom that one time as a kid). It was only when I went to deal with the effects of my wife's serial cheating that I opened up to a therapist. I do not know why there is so much shame within someone who has had this done to him, but there is. 
Your H has probably told no one about this, as he feels it diminishes him and that he deserved it .
If you have kids, look at them and imagine how this happened to your H at a similar age. I would , absolutely, kill anyone that did this to one of my kids, because I know just how much it F's you up.


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

Arnold said:


> Your H has probably told no one about this, as he feels it diminishes him and that he deserved it .


We spent a quiet Thanksgiving together, so I got him to open up a little bit more. I asked him that exact question .... "You never told anyone?" He said, "No." I again asked, "In all these years; not one single person?" He again said, "No." He, too, was an alter boy. He thinks about age 12 or 13.

We talked a lot about "us" as a whole, and I certainly have a lot of re-evaluating to do in regard to my marriage, my life, my decisions, etc. I would have to say that in all of my 39 years, I have never felt so lost, so lonely or so confused! I think this is clearly what happens when you get off of the right track and onto the wrong.


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

Lon said:


> tigger01 said:
> 
> 
> > Tigger, I wasn't trying to accuse you of being cold at all, quite the opposite. I think Halien and Arnold put my thoughts to words much better than what I was trying to say. For whatever issues he has had to deal with in life, there is some fear of intimacy, which does not happen with the porn, and whish is why it is easier for him to have an outlet with that instead. His problem isn't about you it's him, he isn't giving himself permission to be sexual with you.
> ...


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

well, at least you are talking about things. That is a good start. I could never trust my XW enough to broach this. She is NPD,and has zero empathy.
Once we were wathcing Law and Order and she was strongly advocating that a woman who had been serially raped and tortured and who then went along with her captors on a bank robbery(Classic Stockholm Syndrome ala Patty Hearst) ,sheoud go to jail for years. 
My XW, unlike you, had no ability to empathize and zero introspection. If I told her something like that had happened to me. I would have been ridiculed.
But, you , and based on how you describe him, your husband, seem pretty evolved(undoubtedly because your are Catholic.

Dominus Vobiscum.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Tigger, I am so sorry you are in this position. I just recently learned, after 29 years of marriage, of my wife's childhood sexual abuse. You are going to go through a lot of emotions over the next months.

I was deeply saddened for my wife as a child that she suffered this evil. I am sad that she has suffered as an adult with the aftermath.

But there is so much more, too. You will probably see things in your marriage which were probably caused by the psychological side effects of his abuse. You will probably feel some anger at him for not revealing sooner. You will certainly feel a lot of anger towards his abuser. You will start to see your husband as a hurt child at times. You will have great compassion for him, yet at times great frustrations, too.

Know that you are not alone in what you are going through. A book I recommend is "Haunted Marriage", one of the only resources directed specifically at secondary survivors, which is what you are.  Also, there is a forum for secondary survivors over at AfterSilence.org. You have to register before accessing it.

In terms of your EA, I can understand how you got to the point where it was acceptable for you to go down that path. Now that you have this missing piece of information you are going to see your actions in the marriage differently, too. I made a lot of mistakes along the way, unintentionally, which helped get my marriage into a crisis.

I suggest you two seek out some counseling. He should be seeing someone who specializes in sex abuse recovery. I think it would be helpful for you to see this counselor at least once in a while, too. A general marriage counselor may be helpful to both of you. It is a complicated situation. Different counselors will have different strengths and expertise, so you will have to find what fits for you.

I have decided to give my wife and my marriage a renewed commitment and to do whatever I can to rebuild our relationship. Had she not told me of her abuse this summer I would not be willing to this extent, nor as patient. I do not want to abandon my wife without doing what a loyal spouse and friend should in order to help her. But there is a limit for all of us, and you will have to find what it is for you. If your husband is working hard on his issues and you are seeing improvements in your relationship, you may feel eager to keep moving forward with him.

As part of this recovery process I think you should go no contact with this EA partner of yours. I have had all the same thoughts in terms of starting over as a single man, though I have not been in any type of affair, and I know in some ways it would be far easier to establish a 'normal' relationship with various women than trying to both rebuild a damaged marriage and go through my wife's recovery process with her. (Realistically it will be years not months of recovery for her). It is seductive to think of having an easy relaxed sexual relationship with a variety of other women!

In any relationship, I think it unwise to consider a choice of Person A vs Person B. Your marriage should be considered on it's own merits. It is good enough, or it is not. There is truthfully no way to know what a relationship with Person B will be like until you are deep into it for years.

But this abuse thing is not something to run from. We have long histories with our spouses, and they have revealed something to us which was very difficult to do. The reward of getting through this with them will be far more than the satisfaction to be found in the single life.

I wish you and your husband the very best.


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## FormerlyCareFree (Nov 25, 2011)

tigger01 said:


> When porn has caused intimacy in your own marriage to suffer, IT IS NOT okay!!! It's also not okay, in general!! I can understand a few peeks here and there, but an entire collection? How do you think that makes a wife feel??!! He'd rather look at porn than make love to his wife?! Not that this should matter by ANY MEANS, by I am a person of normal weight, have always cared about my looks, etc.


Yes, you're right. It's not ok in general. For people like that who want to have mountains of porn without the "police" watching over them, well they can just go off into their little porn caves away from the REAL world, away from REAL women and play with themselves until they lose all sensitivity to their penises and women. Men like that deserve to be alone with their screen/paper girls. That's so hot. 

I personally don't buy the "men don't want intimacy" theory in this particular case. Why? because if he was abused, and I'm not doubting he was, you would think that something dirty like porn would disgust him more than having a real intimate LOVING relationship with someone he TRUSTS. It just doesn't add up. Porn is NO excuse. I think the first step you both need to take is therapy. If you don't seek therapy immediately, this is how your life is going to pan out for the long haul. I'm sorry for what happened to him, but you deserve a better marriage than that. It seems to me your husband is using his porn usage as an excuse for allowing him to either deal or heal with what happened to him. He will not die, like most men think they will if they stop using porn.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

I have no experience dealing with someone who has sexual abuse issues, but I wanted to say that I feel almost any marriage can be saved if both partners want to save the marriage. I agree with others who are offering counseling.

You said you have some re-evaluating to do. A counselor can help you do that. They can lay it all out on the table for you, tell you what you will need to do to repair your marriage, and then you can determine if you feel your marriage is worth the effort. I don't know your whole situation just through reading here, but I believe almost all marriages that do not involve abuse are worth at the least an honest effort at repairing.


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## Wheels65 (Jul 17, 2011)

1) If you want to save your marriage disconnect with your FB friend, just end it.

2) If you want to end your marriage stay connected with the FB friend.

Can you and your H work it out? I really don't know but if you really love your H and want to try #1 MUST be done. Either way, all the best to you both


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I tend not to believe these late in life revelations. Especially if things were acceptably normal for 10 years before that.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

FormerlyCareFree said:


> Yes, you're right. It's not ok in general. For people like that who want to have mountains of porn without the "police" watching over them, well they can just go off into their little porn caves away from the REAL world, away from REAL women and play with themselves until they lose all sensitivity to their penises and women. Men like that deserve to be alone with their screen/paper girls. That's so hot.
> 
> I personally don't buy the "men don't want intimacy" theory in this particular case. Why? because if he was abused, and I'm not doubting he was, you would think that something dirty like porn would disgust him more than having a real intimate LOVING relationship with someone he TRUSTS. It just doesn't add up. Porn is NO excuse. I think the first step you both need to take is therapy. If you don't seek therapy immediately, this is how your life is going to pan out for the long haul. I'm sorry for what happened to him, but you deserve a better marriage than that. It seems to me your husband is using his porn usage as an excuse for allowing him to either deal or heal with what happened to him. He will not die, like most men think they will if they stop using porn.


This is a bigotted, sexist post and I would not be surprised if the author's mate uses porn as she is so misandryst.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I tend not to believe these late in life revelations. Especially if things were acceptably normal for 10 years before that.


I believe them.


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## FormerlyCareFree (Nov 25, 2011)

I'm not going to even bother asking how is that a biggoted sexist post because I'm so used to reactions like yours. I don't even waste my time anymore to be honest. That's how I feel about the matter. Everyone here has different opinions about the problem. It's a message board, deal with it.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

FormerlyCareFree said:


> I'm not going to even bother asking how is that a biggoted sexist post because I'm so used to reactions like yours. I don't even waste my time anymore to be honest. That's how I feel about the matter. Everyone here has different opinions about the problem. It's a message board, deal with it.


Take your sexist, manhating crap and stick it up your ass. (Deal with that).


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## FormerlyCareFree (Nov 25, 2011)

Arnold said:


> Take your sexist, manhating crap and stick it up your ass. (Deal with that).



That's exactly to be expected from a person like you. Choosing name-calling instead of a carefully reasoned refutation. 

You should stop trying to convince people (women) that your filth is ok. It's not and it never will be. It's obvious you have no respect for women. A direct product of the very corrupt, distorted ideals you're so vehemently trying to defend. 

Good luck with your issues, Pal.


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## JustAMan2 (Oct 28, 2011)

Tigger, I am also a spouse of a mate who was sexually abused as a child. It's a tough row to hoe. 

I might suggest you do some reading on PTSD (Post Tramatic Stress Disorder). If you will do a little reading on this, you will begin to see an explanation to some of your husband's behavior.

He needs professional help. You are probably not qualified, and even if you are, you are way to "close" to be of any help to him. What I mean is that you MUST help him, but he will need much, much more and from a independent therapist. Try to find one who specializes in victims of childhood sexual abuse.

You yourself may want to consider counciling as well. It helps to know just how to deal with you mate and what he is going through.

I wish you all the best. Like I said, it is a tough road. Is it worth it? There's no one that can answer that question except you and your mate. IF he will do the hard work to heal, then yes, it is. But often times so much damage has been done to the spouse that there is no recovery. Only you can decide.

All my best.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

FormerlyCareFree said:


> That's exactly to be expected from a person like you. Choosing name-calling instead of a carefully reasoned refutation.
> 
> You should stop trying to convince people (women) that your filth is ok. It's not and it never will be. It's obvious you have no respect for women. A direct product of the very corrupt, distorted ideals you're so vehemently trying to defend.
> 
> Good luck with your issues, Pal.


What "filth" would that be , you illiterate bore.


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## FormerlyCareFree (Nov 25, 2011)

Sorry, you lost your chance of having an adult resonable discussion. You're obviously incapable of having any kind of intelligent exchange. 

Besides, I don't really make it a habit in real life to talk to trash, and I'm not about to start now.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

FormerlyCareFree said:


> Sorry, you lost your chance of having an adult resonable discussion. You're obviously incapable of having any kind of intelligent exchange.
> 
> Besides, I don't really make it a habit in real life to talk to trash, and I'm not about to start now.


I'd need a lobotomy to talk to you "intelligently". Your hatred of men is obvious.


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## FormerlyCareFree (Nov 25, 2011)

Arnold said:


> I'd need a lobotomy to talk to you "intelligently". Your hatred of men is obvious.


.


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

Tigger, I've followed your postings from the other part of this forum. You definitely have a full plate right now.

Your husband's porn addiction is like a virtual affair. His promises to keep swearing it off, and then continually breaking those promises sound an awful lot like an alcoholic who hasn't hit rock bottom yet.

Given your history, you are probably justified in giving him an ultimatum; get into counseling, deal with the past abuse, and enter a 12-step program for sexual addicts. Or else you are going to divorce him. I am not a Catholic, but I do come from a faith background in which divorce is considered taboo. But your husband is having an emotional affair with his porn. He's possibly using it as a way to deal with the emotional baggage his own past has attached to sex. But the type of addiction cycle you describe is wrong.

But this in no way justifies your emotional affair. I understand your desire to look elsewhere to have your emotional and physical needs met, but it is still wrong. Understandable, but wrong. You need to go no contact with the other man.

Unless your husband takes responsibility and does the right thing, your marriage is headed nowhere good. But if it fails, don't be the reason it failed. Don't add your own list of sins to those of your husband. Give it your all and if it doesn't work out, then move on.

I'm afraid in your mind, the two issues (husband's issues plus your EA) have become intertwined. Hubby is addictively into porn, so why would it be so bad if I had an affair? You can only take responsibility for your actions, so do the right thing from your point of view.

But if hubby won't deal with his issues, I think you should leave him. His refusal to deal with his hangups is also destroying your marriage.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

wifeofhusband said:


> It's actually very common and many never tell anyone at all.


telling and suddenly have a different behavior profile are different.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> telling and suddenly have a different behavior profile are different.


I thought this guy was pretty much like this from the outset of the marriage.


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

Arnold said:


> I thought this guy was pretty much like this from the outset of the marriage.


Looking back over the years .... yes. The porn was an issue when we were dating, we never really had a fabulous sex life from the get-go, but it's been the last six years that have been the most difficult and most lonely for me.

On separate note (to any of you who are willing to share), because I guess I'm curious. If a guy can't get an erection (which .... now that we are trying to bring the sex back .... is the issue), would all these years of probable porn watching (again, I don't know when and/or how often, because I've never caught him actually watching it) still be just as satisfying if you can't even get erect? Maybe this is a dumb question, but I haven't a clue.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I hate having to respond to these topics but meh... there are ways you can help him deal with it, depending on what he was exposed to. For me, my wife and past girlfriends have learnt to not hold my head or hair or grip me tight with their legs when I'm going down on them. It invokes too many bad memories.

My wife over the years however managed to help me overcome the issue slowly however, she was patient in this. Baby steps, and helped me overcome it, now she can choke me all she wishes. But to be honest molestation I consider a rather minor issue from personal experience, though a part of me hates myself as I enjoyed it, and learnt to use it.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

tigger01 said:


> Looking back over the years .... yes. The porn was an issue when we were dating, we never really had a fabulous sex life from the get-go, but it's been the last six years that have been the most difficult and most lonely for me.
> 
> On separate note (to any of you who are willing to share), because I guess I'm curious. If a guy can't get an erection (which .... now that we are trying to bring the sex back .... is the issue), would all these years of probable porn watching (again, I don't know when and/or how often, because I've never caught him actually watching it) still be just as satisfying if you can't even get erect? Maybe this is a dumb question, but I haven't a clue.


Absolutely, according to the sites you were directed to. Something about too many doses of dopamine related to the porn making it tough to get a similar dose from just a normal woman.
They said this is fixable, with abstinence from porn.
Lots of info out there on this.


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## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

Arnold said:


> Absolutely, according to the sites you were directed to. Something about too many doses of dopamine related to the porn making it tough to get a similar dose from just a normal woman.
> They said this is fixable, with abstinence from porn.
> Lots of info out there on this.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

honkytonkwoman said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


At what point does someone become a porn addict? In the same way as you can be a social drinker...or a habitual drinker...or an alcoholic...does the same apply to porn use?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

honkytonkwoman said:


> At what point does someone become a porn addict? In the same way as you can be a social drinker...or a habitual drinker...or an alcoholic...does the same apply to porn use?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not sure. But, in this particular case, six years w/o sex and clandestine usage probably qualifies.


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

tigger01 said:


> Looking back over the years .... yes. The porn was an issue when we were dating, we never really had a fabulous sex life from the get-go, but it's been the last six years that have been the most difficult and most lonely for me.
> 
> On separate note (to any of you who are willing to share), because I guess I'm curious. If a guy can't get an erection (which .... now that we are trying to bring the sex back .... is the issue), would all these years of probable porn watching (again, I don't know when and/or how often, because I've never caught him actually watching it) still be just as satisfying if you can't even get erect? Maybe this is a dumb question, but I haven't a clue.


Porn could absolutely be part of his ED. Do you know for sure he doesn't get erect while watching porn? He's spent so many years getting aroused by watching sex-with-no-commitment, that the thought of actually having sex with a real woman and engaging in real emotional interaction probably terrifies him. 

He needs individual therapy and some kind of accountability. He's clearly shown he can't master this addiction on his own. He keeps falling off the wagon. There are 12-step recovery groups for people addicted to porn. 

Or he could do what I do; I found a group of about 7 like-minded Christian men in my church and we meet weekly to hold each other accountable. We have given each other permission to ask questions like, "Have you been alone with a member of the opposite sex this week who wasn't your spouse?" or "Have you avoided sexually explicit material this week?" Since you have mentioned you're Catholic (don't remember if he is), there's a possibility there might be groups like that within your own parish. If not, I'm guessing your priest might know of some groups like that at other churches.
For some hints about how to find a men's group in your area, go to Promise Keepers.

In the short term, Viagra or Cialis might - emphasize MIGHT - help with the physical problem. Have your husband talk to his doctor. However, I'm guessing this is a problem in his head and until his other issues get fixed, medication is a temporary solution. However, it might allow some playful bedroom time, which might get some momentum in the right direction.

Good luck. I'm praying for you two. Hope things work out.


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

honkytonkwoman said:


> At what point does someone become a porn addict? In the same way as you can be a social drinker...or a habitual drinker...or an alcoholic...does the same apply to porn use?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I copied this list from a website about "How to know if you're an alcoholic" :

You may have a drinking problem if you...

Feel guilty or ashamed about your drinking.
Lie to others or hide your drinking habits.
Have friends or family members who are worried about your drinking.
Need to drink in order to relax or feel better.
“Black out” or forget what you did while you were drinking.
Regularly drink more than you intended to.​
Except for the blacking out part, it looks to me like you could insert the phrase "watch porn" for "drinking" and get a pretty accurate idea of what porn addiction looks like.

I guess you could include blacking out, too, because if you watch porn so much you black out, you definitely have a problem. 

One other thought: I know that some on here will not agree, but I feel that porn is never an appropriate entertainment choice for anyone, anywhere. Sex is not satisfying when it's a "no commitment" kind of proposition. Porn is the ultimate in no-commitment sex. 

I believe that people can drink responsibly, but I am not sure anyone can view porn responsibly. Some might become addicted to it while others just view it casually, but it is still a mis-use of our sex drive.

Just my $0.02 worth.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Aside from the porn, putting sex back into a bad marriage can cause ED. Psychological issues are a huge factor in ED.

Have him see his doc to rule out potential medical issues. Meds work great and are not to be avoided! My wife and I are very very happy to have the meds...


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Arnold said:


> This is a bigotted, sexist post and I would not be surprised if the author's mate uses porn as she is so misandryst.



Not once in any of her posts has she ever spoken ill of her husband or of men in general and yet you called her what you did? How is this helpful and even remotely truthful other than to show your own issues? Also, if you want to call someone else uneducated, you may want to spend a moment to check your spelling.


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## Lovely71 (Nov 24, 2011)

I definitely recommend the counselling. I was fortunate that I was able to come to terms at such a young age. I told my parents I was abused but I really had no choice because he came back. He would have done it again and he would have raped me. I was more afraid of that and chose to say no. It was the hardest move to stand up for me but I hoped that my parents would believe me. I was not a child who normally cried wolf nor was I someone who lied. It was pretty tough on my parents. For me, I felt relief but at the same time I remember feeling almost dissociated from it all. I was sent to a safe place and there was a lot of anger projected by everyone but me. I just remember saying to everyone it's finally over and I'm okay now. I think they felt shocked by my response. 

Later, when I got older I went to a counselor who felt I was okay. It was explained to me that my reactions were a defense mechanism way back then and as long as I understand my body and reactions I would be okay. I may not feel the same emotionally towards sex and I needed to pay attention to my reactions there.

I am very sensitive towards porn but I understand men like to watch it. My husband is into porn and he never understood how uncomfortable porn makes me. He is aware that I have been abused as a kid. I made no secret. It defines who I am and I am not shamed of it. I did not ask for it and I see it as one negative hurdle that has happened to me. So, I have got past it. It isn't the worst hurdle I have endured and I am sure there will be more. I think it is how you see it. That man was sick. 

The only guilt was that I never did anything but really back then they got nothing. Maybe 6 months in jail but no help to change/ rehabilitation. So looking back I guess there isn't much I could do.


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

For all of you who have been following my posts, provided advice, etc., I finally, but tearfully, ended my EA today, and also made a visit (just as tearful) to my priest today. I honestly can't say yet that I feel like the weight has been lifted, but it could be that my heart is still so very broken right now. I mean, I know that I absolutely had to do what I did today, because I could no longer live with the constant guilt or the ongoing damage that it was causing in my marriage, but saying goodbye was not easy! Will this hurt go away? Will the love that I once had for my husband return? Will that inner peace and happiness that left me eight months ago - when I got involved with this OM - soon return? Right now it just really, really hurts, but again - I KNOW I did what I HAD to do!! 

I think, if anything, this has caused us to take a good look at our marriage; the marriage we let die all too many years ago, the marriage that needs to have some issues addressed.

Please provide some words of encouragement, and please keep me (us) in your prayers. Thank you!


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

tigger01 said:


> For all of you who have been following my posts, provided advice, etc., I finally, but tearfully, ended my EA today, and also made a visit (just as tearful) to my priest today. I honestly can't say yet that I feel like the weight has been lifted, but it could be that my heart is still so very broken right now. I mean, I know that I absolutely had to do what I did today, because I could no longer live with the constant guilt or the ongoing damage that it was causing in my marriage, but saying goodbye was not easy! Will this hurt go away? Will the love that I once had for my husband return? Will that inner peace and happiness that left me eight months ago - when I got involved with this OM - soon return? Right now it just really, really hurts, but again - I KNOW I did what I HAD to do!!
> 
> I think, if anything, this has caused us to take a good look at our marriage; the marriage we let die all too many years ago, the marriage that needs to have some issues addressed.
> 
> Please provide some words of encouragement, and please keep me (us) in your prayers. Thank you!


Tigger, it is so good to see someone take such an admittedly hard step in the right direction. I know it probably isn't what you need to hear, but it is so encouraging to see someone do the right thing in the face of so much trouble in the marriage. I will pray that God will honor you with peace, contentment and resolve. I also hope your husband will see how fortunate he is. I'm working to rekindle the same love we once had, although our distance came about through different reasons. I think that those feelings can come back over time.
God Bless,


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## FormerlyCareFree (Nov 25, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Not once in any of her posts has she ever spoken ill of her husband or of men in general and yet you called her what you did? How is this helpful and even remotely truthful other than to show your own issues? Also, if you want to call someone else uneducated, you may want to spend a moment to check your spelling.


Thanks therealbrighteyes.


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