# No Desire for Husband



## Amberwaves (Nov 26, 2010)

Hi, I'm sure this has been brought up before on a site like this. I basically have no desire, no attraction to my husband whatsoever.
I noticed it started a few years ago--we married almost 9 years ago. I love him as a friend, and he is my best friend. We've had some good times. I'm really emotionally attached to hum. He's an all-around good guy, good person, good dad. I don't mind cuddling, I like that and holding hands, but am actually turned off to sex completely. If we could just cuddle and have no sex, love making that would be fine with me.
I think we have drifted apart, romantically, however. There's been a loss of connection. Everything revolves around kids and family activity.
I am also troubled by the fact that I have been fantasizing about other men--but faceless men or famous men. Not until recently. During love making, I go somewhere else in my head.
I feel bad about saying this, but he is just not physically attractive anymore. He's put on a lot of weight & gained a pot belly/beer belly. I know how that sounds. I thought that if you love some one, it shouldn't matter too much.
I don't know what to do. It is hurting the relationship, and he is starting to see through all though I've been pretending. I don't want to hurt his feelings, drive him away. I did tell him I don't have as much sex drive as I used to, which may or may not be true.
I don't want a divorce because of this!
Is some one else experiencing, of has experienced this? Any insight, perspectives, advice you have or just support is appreciated.
Thanks for reading.


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## marco100 (Nov 25, 2010)

You need to put Homer Simpson on a diet.


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## Amberwaves (Nov 26, 2010)

Marco-- I've been encouraging him to get on the stairclimber. Best I can.

Panda-- Heehee Victoria Secret, something sexy, might try that.
I think having babies and feeling too much like a mom makes us feel less sexy. Maybe that's part of it--is regaining the passion and sexy with us and being women besides being moms.
That is helpful, thank you.


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## Amberwaves (Nov 26, 2010)

I am sexually frusterated in a strange way. I have a husband here, who loves me (he does now, he used to not), and wants love making, and I'm not into it.
I do have a sex drive, I want passion and romance. Last night I had a fantasic erotic-romantic dream, and I woke up feeling really good because the dream felt real, it was another man, deliciously handsome and loving. Then I didn't feel good later, knowing that it wasn't real. There's a twinge of guilt there, even if it was a dream.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Amber,
If my W got fat it definitely would reduce my desire for her. Same is true in reverse. In fact - once I stopped working out and got skinny and she lost desire - she dislikes skinny more than stocky. I hit the weights - back to V shape. 

If he got in shape - do you believe that would have a big impact on you? If so, why not be very blunt with him? Your partners sexual desire is not an entitlement. Sometimes you have to earn it. 




Amberwaves said:


> I am sexually frusterated in a strange way. I have a husband here, who loves me (he does now, he used to not), and wants love making, and I'm not into it.
> I do have a sex drive, I want passion and romance. Last night I had a fantasic erotic-romantic dream, and I woke up feeling really good because the dream felt real, it was another man, deliciously handsome and loving. Then I didn't feel good later, knowing that it wasn't real. There's a twinge of guilt there, even if it was a dream.


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## Amberwaves (Nov 26, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Amber,
> If my W got fat it definitely would reduce my desire for her. Same is true in reverse. In fact - once I stopped working out and got skinny and she lost desire - she dislikes skinny more than stocky. I hit the weights - back to V shape.
> 
> If he got in shape - do you believe that would have a big impact on you? If so, why not be very blunt with him? Your partners sexual desire is not an entitlement. Sometimes you have to earn it.


He used to trim and more in shape but has been preoccupied with work and other projects. I think with stress, he has let himself go. We got on a diet together and I lost 15 pds., and he has been sidetracked. It may be time for some bluntness. It will take some forethought and tact and TLC.

I do think when you keep yourself up for your spouse it shows you care, like you did for your wife. I've tried to keep myself up--I dress nice & wear make-up, etc. I think he needs to be appealing. I also told him certain habits are...unsavory. I was upfront with him: like could you please close the bathroom door when you need to go especially if it's # 2! He has listened to that.

More than anything, I would like some time with him--just me and him, without kids. We haven't done that for about a year and last year we missed our anniversery for the first time. I would like some couple time, just me and him so that we are not just parents. That would show he cares and loves me and that would be more attractive.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Amber,
You are clearly capable of being tactful. And your theme - about effort - resonates with me because it is how my W and I operate. Effort is sexy. Indifference is a serious turnoff. 

He needs to prioritize fitness - maybe on the weekend.




Amberwaves said:


> He used to trim and more in shape but has been preoccupied with work and other projects. I think with stress, he has let himself go. We got on a diet together and I lost 15 pds., and he has been sidetracked. It may be time for some bluntness. It will take some forethought and tact and TLC.
> 
> I do think when you keep yourself up for your spouse it shows you care, like you did for your wife. I've tried to keep myself up--I dress nice & wear make-up, etc. I think he needs to be appealing. I also told him certain habits are...unsavory. I was upfront with him: like could you please close the bathroom door when you need to go especially if it's # 2! He has listened to that.
> 
> More than anything, I would like some time with him--just me and him, without kids. We haven't done that for about a year and last year we missed our anniversery for the first time. I would like some couple time, just me and him so that we are not just parents. That would show he cares and loves me and that would be more attractive.


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## Amberwaves (Nov 26, 2010)

^ Thanks for the encouragement and support, it is helpful.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

It might hurt for a while, but I think he would prefer to know. And I can certainly understand your feelings of guilt about how his weight affects you. I enjoy how being healthy makes me feel, so I've worked out since I was fifteen. My wife really struggles, and has recently gained alot of weight. She made me feel so guilty, but seriously, she weighs more than I do.

For a guy, even 20 minutes a day, if the pace is heavy, can keep us well muscled, and the mass burns more calories. Once I hit my forties, I had to start looking into recovery supplements.

The good thing is that some studies have shown that exercise of the large muscle groups increases testosterone, relieves stress, and might make him pursue you in a way that begins to turn things around.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I guess I'm just going to be the bad guy here. It is NOT ok to deny sex to your partner. Doesn't matter if he or she has gained weight. Doesn't matter if they lost their job, developed wrinkles, went bald, or have bad breath. Taking care of each other's sexual needs is part of the job and if you find yourself unable or unwilling to do that, you are not being a married partner, so either fix it or get out. When he signed on to be husband there was no guarantee that you'd remain a particular weight. He agreed to take care of you no matter what "you" ended up looking like. You could be hit by a bus today and not be nearly as attractive. You'd still be "you" and you'd still deserve and expect a loving husband. Sure, you could dangle a cookie in front of chubby and get him to exercise, but is your love and commitment really that shallow? Isn't having a great dad for your kids and being married to your best friend world's more important than having a guy with six-pack abs? 
If you gain weight or start having grey hair, should chubby withhold affection from you?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Un,
I disagree with your post. Marriage is not a license to become lazy about the factors that impact desire. And it is completely unrealistic to expect that your partner will gladly meet your sexual needs when you have killed their sexual attraction by showing indifference to what they like. And this indifference, which I believe is common in marriage, is one causal factor in marriage eventually killing sex. Unconditional love is reserved for children - and frankly even with your kids I think there needs to be an age at which you begin to balance their emotional needs and your personal sanity. 

I have written about my own weight issues (I got too skinny for my W) and the effort I put into resolving them. I could "resent" her. Then again lifting weights for 90 minutes once or twice a week while watching tv simply doesn't seem like too much for her to ask of me. 



unbelievable said:


> I guess I'm just going to be the bad guy here. It is NOT ok to deny sex to your partner. Doesn't matter if he or she has gained weight. Doesn't matter if they lost their job, developed wrinkles, went bald, or have bad breath. Taking care of each other's sexual needs is part of the job and if you find yourself unable or unwilling to do that, you are not being a married partner, so either fix it or get out. When he signed on to be husband there was no guarantee that you'd remain a particular weight. He agreed to take care of you no matter what "you" ended up looking like. You could be hit by a bus today and not be nearly as attractive. You'd still be "you" and you'd still deserve and expect a loving husband. Sure, you could dangle a cookie in front of chubby and get him to exercise, but is your love and commitment really that shallow? Isn't having a great dad for your kids and being married to your best friend world's more important than having a guy with six-pack abs?
> If you gain weight or start having grey hair, should chubby withhold affection from you?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I feel it will only help your marraige if you are truly honest before them , letting them know in as delicant manner as possible, this is -in fact- hurting your desire. True, we should continue to have sex & meet our partners needs, but I dont think we can really turn our deep desires on & off like a spigot either, and it would be very very sad to have your spouse just going through the motions with us -to due thier duty, while desire has been lost. 

I would not want this or find it acceptable, so I would want MY spouse to tell me, and I would care enough about His desire for me to do something about it.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

I think this is a little over the top. Sorry, but in real life an injury or sickness is not a voluntary act of no self discipline. And if the weight gain is medical, many can still overlook it. But if it is perceived as disinterest or a lack of self-control, it can be quite unnattractive. You are probably right if the person has a great personality, and works hard to build a sexual, intimate relationship, but unrealistic if not.





unbelievable said:


> I guess I'm just going to be the bad guy here. It is NOT ok to deny sex to your partner. Doesn't matter if he or she has gained weight. Doesn't matter if they lost their job, developed wrinkles, went bald, or have bad breath. Taking care of each other's sexual needs is part of the job and if you find yourself unable or unwilling to do that, you are not being a married partner, so either fix it or get out. When he signed on to be husband there was no guarantee that you'd remain a particular weight. He agreed to take care of you no matter what "you" ended up looking like. You could be hit by a bus today and not be nearly as attractive. You'd still be "you" and you'd still deserve and expect a loving husband. Sure, you could dangle a cookie in front of chubby and get him to exercise, but is your love and commitment really that shallow? Isn't having a great dad for your kids and being married to your best friend world's more important than having a guy with six-pack abs?
> If you gain weight or start having grey hair, should chubby withhold affection from you?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

When we marry we don't promise to love our partner as long as they don't gain weight. A wife's job is to attend to the needs of her husband and a husband's job is to attend to the needs of his wife. Sex is about giving and if both parties put the needs of their partners first, neither are going to be left unsatisfied. If Chubbby adopted this position, he'd do his best to lose weight because he'd care more about pleasing his wife than eating another donut. If wife adopted this posture, she wouldn't be focused on having her own needs met, but on meeting his. It's his job to worry about taking care of her's. If we concentrate on meeting our own needs, it's easy to be dissatisfied or to find others outside the marriage to attend to our needs.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Try being adventurous. Take him to a toy shop and discuss what both of you or you would like. Don't be afraid to use a vibrator on yourself twhile making love to him. Try the Johnson and johnson ky intense product for yourself = they have it most drug stores. Add some spice. And make those plans to get away with him and if you can do it as a surprise, so much the better. Find some nice place with a hot tub and great places to take a walk. If you live in MI I can suggest some really nice ones. Just message me.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I think it is great to work on being at the weight that is healthy and it is a drag to realize your spouse doesn't turn you on when they are not trim anymore.

However, there is another factor here besides sloth. Family genetics. Take a look at your H's parents and all of his relatives.

How many seem fat to you? Is he the exception or the rule?

Some people can lift weights twice a week and maintain a great body weight. Others cannot.

Maybe your H has an underlying medical problem like diabetes?

Good idea to get a physical exam by an MD and start addressing the weight gain and how to get back in shape.

And as for not being attracted to your H. There is no guarantee that he losing the weight will get you desire for him.


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## Amberwaves (Nov 26, 2010)

Thanks for all the replies and have taken them all into consideration. 
I am attracted to him, I love his face and his eyes and like a lot of affection, kissing and touching.
He does have a mesomorph build which is just him and it's in his genes to gain weight in the stomach area, even more for him to watch it. I encouraged him to not eat so much red meat, he's a midwestern steak and potatoes guy, and when I cook, I cook light for both of us.
I don't completely deny him sex, we make love once or twice a week, usually. We do use the scented, heated KY jelly. Foreplay is very important to me, which also includes a lot of talking, and sipping wine before hand. I do know that men have a need for sex, men can't help it, it's built into them and would be cruel to not ever attend to his needs. However, I do think he needs to make an effort to show he cares, it's a turn off when some one lets themselves go.
There's a position when he's on top of me that I can't stand. When he's on top of me I can't handle his big stomach on me, so I avoid it. I like to be on top!
It's true that just the weight loss alone may not do it, there may be other things going on.
I would like to be adventerous and perhaps surprise him. I would like to go somewhere with him. I remember my mother was in town and we went to a beautiful, vintage hotel, we walked around the town, and then made love, took our time to do it and it was wonderful. One thing is, that there were no kids around, just him and me.


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## maggot brain (Nov 28, 2010)

Amberwaves said:


> I don't want a divorce because of this!
> 
> Thanks for reading.


Thanks for sharing. I don't understand why you want to remain married. It sounds like you'd be happier with someone else. It doesn't sound like you've resigned yourself to a life without romance.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Amber,

I think y'all just need some dedicated couples time. Find some romantic little berg and stroll around, holding hands like goofy 16 year olds, making goo goo eyes at each other. I'm a firm believer that 99% of sex occurs between the ears and has nothing to do with genitalia. Maybe y'all could get into the habit of leaving each other little mushy notes. Hey! How about finding a sitter and sign up for ballroom dance lessons? He gets some exercise and you both get some romantic time. Win/Win.


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## Amberwaves (Nov 26, 2010)

maggot brain said:


> Thanks for sharing. I don't understand why you want to remain married. It sounds like you'd be happier with someone else. It doesn't sound like you've resigned yourself to a life without romance.


Because there are kids in the middle of this. Breaking up the family would be disruptive to them. I believe on working on the marriage. It's a committment.



unbelievable said:


> Amber,
> 
> I think y'all just need some dedicated couples time. Find some romantic little berg and stroll around, holding hands like goofy 16 year olds, making goo goo eyes at each other. I'm a firm believer that 99% of sex occurs between the ears and has nothing to do with genitalia. Maybe y'all could get into the habit of leaving each other little mushy notes. Hey! How about finding a sitter and sign up for ballroom dance lessons? He gets some exercise and you both get some romantic time. Win/Win.


Sounds good . Funny you say that about ballroom dance as we both met showing up single for Salsa dance lessons. I agree with you, I think sex is also heart and soul, romance. Thanks .


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I"m not going to come down on the Mem vs. Unbelievable argument one way or the other. I'll just play China/Neutral on this one.

But I will add this - interestingly enough, the Catholic Church has developed a position that married people aren't having enough sex (their motive can only be suspect, lol) and they added to the position that the obesity in America is contributing to this.

When a man is obese, he doesn't get blood flow down there, erections wane, etc.

Gluttony is one of the Seven Deadly Sins.

Yeah, you did marry the person, not their body, but we are spiritual beings having a physical experience here on Earth with sex being part of that experience (along with pain). Obesity diminishes the physical experience from both partners.

The OP did say she's not denying him sex per se. . .but is also saying she's not enjoying the experience because of the obesity.

The reponsibility rests with the husband.

Now. . .I do realize this is a matter of "degrees" - how much of a big butt can guys tolerate from their wives and how much of a gut from their husbands can wives tolerate?

How many women here like boney guys? Anyone? Anyone?

How many men here like boney women? Anyone? Anyone?

I would not expect any wife of mine to not put on weight as she gets older. I would actually want some curves. Hopefully a future wife of mine won't mind a little gut.


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