# In-laws trying to intervene



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Background: Seperated since Feb, one child, co-parenting arrangement, dated one of her old friends discretely, caused drama when she somehow found out, now her in-laws want to intervene to keep the peace.

Recently with our little "thou shalt not date ex's friends" debacle I'm finding myself in the crosshairs with my STBXW's family who are increasingly worried about us and their grandchild. They seem to be concerned about the rather hostile stance both of us are taking to each other now and want to intervene into our marital affairs. They have not done so in the past and quite frankly I still despise my mother in law.

I have rejected numerous invitations for a sitdown for all four of us but now they are starting to go "he must really not care" "does he even care about the welfare of his daughter?" etc etc simply because I ain't going to be ganged up upon by all three of them, which includes my crazy nutcase STBXW, manipulative and despicable MIL and *****-whipped FIL who has my MIL's hand up his ass.

But I'm also rather curious about the whole thing, so I'm tempted to just brace myself and see what they all have to say and what agreement we can come to as to repair our somewhat broken co-parenting peace. What you guys think? Should I just go?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Last time I checked there were only TWO parents in this scenario. You and your stbxw.

Tell your in laws you appreciate their concern but all parenting issues will be dealt with between the two of you.

Set the precedence for the future. Take a stand and just say no to the unnecessary intervention.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Agreed, hell now I just have to think of a way to get them to take no for an answer without them mouthing off to everyone that I simply don't care. Bah!

Or I can just deal with STBX and end this cold war. But quite frankly I still want to rip her face off, so not a good idea.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Agreed, hell now I just have to think of a way to get them to take no for an answer without them mouthing off to everyone that I simply don't care. Bah!


You don't. You are free to stand up for your beliefs and they are free to say as many nasty things about you as they want. I find that most people are smart enough to know that someone is being bad mouthed vs they truly don't care. And the ones who aren't don't matter.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Or I can just deal with STBX and end this cold war.


What does this mean?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well I can try to sort out our differences but meh...

But yeah, guess I'll just weather their storm, they can BS all they want.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I don't think you need to talk with you In Laws, but things must be pretty bad if they are so concerned for you child. You stated that you don't want to sort out you differences with you stbxw, but this is what seems to be affecting your child. 

Ask yourself,
Is your child caught it the cross hairs of this divorce? If so, what can you - should you - do to make it better for her/him?

My parents divorced when I was around 12 -13. They had a nasty time of it. Carried the fighting and not talking to each other on all the way through my teen years. Heaven forbid if we spent a holiday at ones and not the others. Here it is almost 40 years later and I still cringe at the thought of an event (like a wedding) that they will both be at.

Both my sisters and myself have emotional scarring from it all the way to the men we chose to be with, the marriages and problems we have had, even bringing it (unconsciously) onto our own children.

Settle the issues with your stbxw, it is not about you anymore, it is about your child.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

They're concerned because our communication channels are broken which makes co-parenting more difficult as we will be using 3rd parties such as in-laws and in the future maybe even our daughter herself to relay information.

I'm calmer now, not so angry with STBX anymore, I'm over my lost hot date anyways... sorta, still a bit stung but I'll get over it. I dunno, I'll think about it.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

1.) Considering your STBXW's past, your in-laws have a LOT of nerve offering advice on how to raise a daughter. Just sayin'....

2.) As Mavash has pointed out, let your ex-in-laws talk smack about you all they want. As shown in #1 above, they haven't got a lot of credibility.

3.) You're both WRONG to be using 3rd parties and ESPECIALLY your daughter to communicate. KEEP HER OUT OF IT; she's a little kid! Use texts, emails to communicate; that way you can keep the emotion out of it (no yelling like a phone call or face-to-face). If a text or email gets out-of-line, just keep a copy for your divorce attorney and refuse to be baited. Since you two managed to create your daughter without interference from outside forces, you can manage to co-parent her without interference from outside forces.

Thank your former-in-laws for their genuine concern for your daughter, but impress on them that you and your STBXW will be the ONLY ones making decisions about your daughter and that you two will figure it out together.


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

For the sake of your child there will always be co-parenting issues that need to be worked out by both of you. If you feel just speaking with her will be unproductive then engage in a counselor to help referee these important discussions!

Good luck


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

There are also books about how to deal with the stbx, plan out the child rearing issues, and how to try to avoid the messiness.... to benefit the child. 

Or, go to a counseling session or two, just to have a referee while you both decide the best way to communicate child care issues. Keep the focus on the child and what works for her.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks guys, it's sorted mostly nowadays, in-laws still kept out of our business. We're much colder now, STBX and I, but at least we're on ceasefire times.


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