# obsolete anniversary today



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Sept.18th is a day that no longer has much meaning, yet I ponder and reflect anyways.

It actually snuck up on me again, my old hotmail account even sent a reminder that "Today is your anniversary" because I forgot to delete a recurring event.

Seems kind of like ancient history, am even in a very nice relationship with someone that expresses love to me much more meaningfully than I ever truly had with my ex W, but once in awhile I am reminded that it will always be an ongoing part of my history every day.

Like this week I get a text announcing that she is going for surgery and may need me to keep our son during her scheduled time with him while she recovers. Of course I will but it got me to speculating what kind of surgery, and my suspiscion is she is getting her tubal ligation reversed (and that is bringing opening up all kinds of fresh wounds on how I failed as a provider and protector).


----------



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Hi Lon. Sorry to read that you're having down feelings today. It's great that you are in a much better relationship with someone who cares about you. You're a great guy and you so deserve that. 

Just because you're divorced doesn't mean that person is excised from your life, of course, especially when you have a child together. But, by now, I hope you know that what she is doing _now_ is no reflection on anything you did _then_. Believe me, I'm not at all minimizing those melancholy feelings that come up when you hear or read about the ex doing something in their new life that is somehow connected to a dream or memory you have connected to them. You know I understand. 

You have to do your best to stop beating yourself up over that, Lon. Her choices are on her. She didn't have to end things the way she did. None of us BS were perfect by any means, but in the end, the WS who chose to cheat instead of trying to work on things or being honest that they were detached and were done pull more of that responsibility onto themselves. It's up to us to forgive ourselves, learn from the past, and be grateful that we have another chance. You see yourself as a failure as a provider and protector, yet you also stated that this new woman is showing you a more meaningful love than your ex did. In a way, that is absolution. You are lovable. You are not a failure. Turn towards your future, Lon, not the past.


----------



## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

Happy Anniversary Lon, look forward that is the direction your life is moving now.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Angle Pixie said it beautifully. You didn't fail - her choices were her own. Enjoy your new, happy here-and-now.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: obsolete anniversary today*



EnjoliWoman said:


> Angle Pixie said it beautifully. You didn't fail - her choices were her own. Enjoy your new, happy here-and-now.


Thanks you are right, Angel said it beautifully. I know her choices were her own, and she made some bad ones, but I would like to think she made some good ones too (like marrying me in the first place, and choosing to start a family with me). My problem, from my perspective is that I changed during the marriage, and it was because of something toxic within me, that I still have in me even after I'm clear of her. That part in me is what caused her to lose interest and attraction for me, what necessitated her getting a tubal ligation, and to eventually leave for her own sanity. Her actions since she settled into a normal life show,me clearly that I was the difficult one, I'm the one carrying the emotional issues, makes me realize that she indeed made mistakes, the wrong choice when she married me. I have a hard time enjoying the here and now because there really is not much joy, what little there is gets tempered with the dullness of reality.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

In one of those odd little coincidences in life, the anniversary with my ex is also the same date I became officially and finally divorced from her. So that date is still one to celebrate, but for a different reason. After a few years, though, it has faded greatly in significance of any kind, and you will probably find the same thing, Lon. It's good to move on, and you have a good new relationship going which is a huge positive!


----------



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Lon, of course you changed during the marriage. People change throughout their lives. She still didn't have to do any of the things she did. 

If you feel that there are things inside you that you want to dig out and work on, this is precisely the time to do it. Not because you're in a new relationship (or even if you weren't), or because of your divorce or anything else. But because you want to be as healthy as you can be. Don't underestimate the amount of help you can get or the improvement you'll feel in your life. It will take work, and it will bring up pain and sorrow most likely, but if you want to heal a wound, you have to clean it out. And sometimes that hurts. 

Do it for you, and for your DS, and because life is too short to feel sad for one more day.


----------

