# snooping/confrontation



## butternutsquash (Jun 1, 2012)

Hi everyone, I am sure i am going to leave a lot of details out of this story but i would sure appreciate your opinions anyway.

Ok here we go. A little over a year ago my wife slept with someone else. Since then i have snooped on her. A lot at first and not as much recently.

Over the past year it has also come out that for a time she doubted weather she made the right choice b/t me and her ex (who seems to have still wanted her for a good while after we got together).

It also, came out that she talked to her friends about this but never talked to me even though i could tell something was wrong. This made me VERY mad.

Recently, we got into a little spat and in my anger i decided to check her browsing history. I saw that she was looking at picture of her ex through his brother's facebook and his sister in laws tumbler accounts.

I do not like this. I think he should be dead to her at this point.

I think i am going to confront her about it. Good idea? Bad idea? Advice


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

You say snooped. Does this mean that your wife still has password protected e-mail, social media, phone, etc???

Yes, confront. If you see the history, you know it's there. Document it - save a screen capture if you have to - and then ask her WTF. If you clearly see that she was doing it through other people's accounts - OF COURSE you have to confront.

I'll back out and let others chime in who will make the case for "clandestine ops". You may want to go down that path. Personally, she should be on very thin ice now as it is since she already cheated on you. Now, if she's still looking, you have all the info you need already to confront and make the decision to stay or go.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Well, you could wait and gather more evidence. See if it's still ongoing or just wishful thinking on her part. Or, yes, you could confront now.

Do you want to continue to be married to her regardless of what the situation is?


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## butternutsquash (Jun 1, 2012)

Openminded said:


> Well, you could wait and gather more evidence. See if it's still ongoing or just wishful thinking on her part. Or, yes, you could confront now.
> 
> Do you want to continue to be married to her regardless of what the situation is?


I am sure she is not cheating with him. She has no contact with him. Even when she doubted her decision she did not actually make contact with him. Still, i do not like her having any thought of him at this point. 

To answer the question, no but i also don't want to make the situation unworkable. I know that she already feels like since she cheated that i carry around anger for her that can come out anytime

Thanks


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

What were the circumstances of her cheating ? Was it onetime or long term?


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## butternutsquash (Jun 1, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> What were the circumstances of her cheating ? Was it onetime or long term?


It was one time but not a random hookup (she made plans to hang out with him and get with him.)


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

How did you find out about her cheating in the first place ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## butternutsquash (Jun 1, 2012)

movin on said:


> How did you find out about her cheating in the first place ?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



She admitted to it


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

What were the consequences to her sleeping with the ex? Does the ex have a wife or girlfriend. If yes then you need to expose to them.

I doubt that she used protection so you both need to get tested for STD's.

If the roles were reversed would she have been so forgiving and accepting as you have been?


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

If it were me I would blow that thing wide open. Tell everyone . But that's me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

STOP STOP STOP!!!!!!!

Before you confront, read post 1 of the RDMU thread in the private members section. You will need 1 more post to have access to that section.

Be VERY VERY VERY careful bout revealing sources. You drive the affair underground and make it far far far harder to detect. Even if there is not one now you make her stronger.

Never reveal electronic sources!!!!!

It is likely his early confrontation drove his wife fully underground. She WAS using her phone. He confronted early and she got really really really good at hiding. He is now 1 month into pure hell with 100 percent surety she cheated but his evidence is not admissible. If he still had her using her phone apps like before he would likely been able to confront 2 weeks ago or so.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

If this is the same OM that she allready cheated on you with, then my take is he has never really been out of the picture. It's a time bomb that's just waiting to go off..., again.

Disarm it. If she more p1ssed that you are checking on her than worried about that fact that you've caught her checking up on her former affair partner - Then it's obvious where this was headed...


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Either way, your snooping is not wrong at all and MOST ESPECIALLY completely justified after the fact that she cheated on you.

She failed to be transparent after her cheating, she seems to be deviating from the path of fidelity and treading on dangerous relapse grounds.

Have you any proof she has eaten cake recently?


When you confront, never show how much you have or where you got it from. 


Your power comes from the less of what the wayward knows and the more you know that they do not know of....does that even make sense?

Did you state any consequences if she were to deviate again?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

You are okay that she slept with her OM even though she admits?

Are you sure this was only once?

Are you okay she is still looking up for him?


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## goshjosh (Mar 23, 2013)

Don't confront unless you are absolutely 100% ready. You only get one chance. Don't do it with anger and spite -- it should be clinical and methodical. For legal purposes, you do not want to let her know how you know what you know as well as the scope of what you know. Keep it as ambiguous as possible. She knows 100% of what happened. You need her to think that you know very close to 100% to scare the sh!t out of her -- this makes the D easier for you.

Why wasn't NC enforced after the first A? Did you expose after the first A?


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Confront her but be vague on why you are confronting her. For example, tell her that this is still bothering you and that you still think she has feelings for him. Let her do the talking from this point. Since she already crossed the line, she owes it to you to be perfectly honest. Create the environment where she won't be afraid to open up and be honest (i.e. dont' be overly confrontational - just tell her that it's bothering you). This gives her the opportunity to be honest. See how she reacts. If she lies to you and tells you that she hasn't thought of this guy then your surveillance operations need to step up.

I agree that telling her what you saw will only drive it further underground and she may maintain that it's harmless curiosity or whatever and then you'll have little to pin on her. Looking him up is an 'infraction' but it's not necessarily indicative of something more evil.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Don't confront until your ready to put a fake smile on your face, wish her the best and help her pack her crap up and send her on her way. A confidence with in your self that will make her second guess what she is about to lose if she continues.

Until then you most likely will end up apologizing for your wife sleeping with another man.


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