# Considering Divorce, Looking for advice.



## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

Hello, here's my story if you will be so kind to lend me your eyes:

Wife slowly developed an EA for common reasons like they all start. It started about 4 months ago when I first discovered the contact with OM,from what I can remember at the time, feelings were developed but not expressed. For the next 3 months, she continued to try to conceal contact with OM, and I continued to discover her contact with OM. Not until 1 month ago did I finally have evidence in the form of chat logs to prove to myself and convince her that she was in a full blown EA. She at that point seemed to realize what she was doing, and emerge from the fog. We attempted an R but it went south when I found out that she was still contacting the OM. At that point, I asked her to leave the house because I refuse to try anything while she is either still in an EA or not prepared to end contact with OM. She left willingly and has
been living at her parents for 1 week now. 

This last time I discovered contact with OM, I was so angry that I was sure the way things have gone were all her fault and I'd be better off getting a divorce. After doing some reading I realized that after each discovery of her talking to the OM, especially this last time, I may have been guilty of some love busting behavior. I am definitely guilty of letting emotions control my actions in the passed. I do however find it nearly impossible to accept blame for my behavior being the catalyst for her continuing the contact with the OM because I know I was only acting that way a portion of the time.

At this point, I am considering a divorce because I just don't trust she has what it takes completely get over the EA or avoid it in the future and quite frankly, I'm tired of trying. Under the right circumstances, I would like things to workout because this is the person I loved, and I know loved me back at one point. Right now, I'm focused on taking care of myself and trying not to worry about what she is doing. I'm looking for advice to do that in a way that doesn't tell her there's no hope, but also doesn't involve me being a doormat or getting hurt.
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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

If you two haven't gone to MC yet, you should at least try. Even if the marriage ends, you can tell yourself that you made an honest effort to save it. 

Of course this assumes you want to even try and save the marriage.


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## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

I do consider that MC would be a must if we were to try an R. At this point, I'm more worried about saving myself first because I'm in no position to attempt an R, and I feel that neither is she.

Although I am considering divorce, I want to be able to make that decision with little to no regrets, and if I made it today, I'd be full of regret. 

Although we have briefly spoke to eachother about our plans for ourselves at the moment, neither of us have really discussed the possibility of being together. I feel like I should wait for her to bring it up but then I consider that to be passive aggressive. Is there anything I should say to her like "Where we are now is separated, we need time to work on ourselves and figure out if either of us would consider an R"?
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