# how did you handle your cake eating cheater?!



## starlightsky (Nov 7, 2011)

I finally left him after 6 months of limbo..yes, a long time & it was during a 6 month separation of limited effort with couples counseling. We also had a false R for 6 months prior to that after our 1 Sr DD. We were together 8 yrs. Engaged 4. He still fence sits with I don't know what I want, so I let him go. Just would like to hear from others in this situation & how you handled it. BTW, his AP was married with 3 kids & quit her job & remains with her H & kids...isn't that lovely...
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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Unfortunately I tolerated the "cake eating" for three years. It really took its toll on me. The sooner the "cake eating" is halted, the better. It's time to stop it now! Simply tell your husband he is going to move back into the family home and wholeheartedly participate in marriage counseling. OR you will be filing for divorce (and really mean it). You'll then have his true answer.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Have you exposed to the owh?
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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

starlightsky said:


> I finally left him after 6 months of limbo..yes, a long time & it was during a 6 month separation of limited effort with couples counseling. We also had a false R for 6 months prior to that after our 1 Sr DD. We were together 8 yrs. Engaged 4. He still fence sits with I don't know what I want, so I let him go. Just would like to hear from others in this situation & how you handled it. BTW, his AP was married with 3 kids & quit her job & remains with her H & kids...isn't that lovely...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was in a similar situation.
How do you handle it?

*1. Stop the affair. Only then can we can talk. *

2. No guarantees that you will accept him back. He has to earn it.

3. The longer it goes. The less chance he has. Make this clear.


 You don't handle this it is no longer your problem.
You remove yourself from the equation totally.
You Do not engage with him beyond a business like relationship.
You do not try and be friends.
You reject all friendship and "for the sake of the kids" attempts
You get on with your life
 No affection. No love shown. Why would you?


. 

Let him know you love him but that it is _not on his timeline_.
You are in charge of your life and emotions. You can't fake this, he knows you way too well for that.

You will feel better the moment you do this. You will start to laugh again. You will start to feel good. This is in no way linked to him.
*
Let Them Go

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
Let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.*


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## starlightsky (Nov 7, 2011)

Yes I exposed to OWH after I found out we were in false R for 6 months from our1 st DD. Her H for my email & the OW was angry bc my she thought it was my fiance who sent it. I wonder why she thought it was him. He told me it had been over for months ,which I knew wasn't true. So I had him leave, where HW is with his parents, she quit her job & still with her H..that was 6 months ago. In that time we were going through IC & couples counseling due to an ultimatum I had given him to work through it or get all his things & it was over. He chose counseling put minimum effort @ best. So have him a deadline to have a decision, met up in CC to decide,he chose I still don't know but I love u. I said, time has expired, I won't give anymore time. Until you give me the 100% honesty & commitment I deserve, there is nothing left to say about ghetto relationship. You need to get the rest of you things & leave. He was shocked. I wasn't the usual groveling, crying, begging doormat he was use to seeing. Thanks to my dedication to the 180 I stuck to the past month & 1/2 that helped me through. This came after his half ass attempts of counseling & no communication other than that. But he did provide for is well financially, which I also cut off when starting the 180. I wanted to remind myself I could make it alone, which I am. He did notice my new changes bc the last thing he said was your changing, you don't even ask me for $, it seems like you don't need me anymore & you are gonna leave for good. Dumbass had me there & just had to decide yes..but unfortunately something is holding him back & I'm sure its the OW he is hoping will leave her H. He is still caught up in that as I cant even recognize who he is since. So I ended up not cracking to my line in the sand, I had him move all his things as he tried to seem sad but I didn't fall for it no matter how bad I wanted to beg him. I was nice & pleasant through it all,told him goodbye as he hugged me akwardly ,as he has not shown me affection since the A was exposed to OWH, his last words were ,I'm still working on this bc I need to fix me, I said that's great me too, its important. He said I do love you, I said, well we will talk about that again once you can give me the 100%. Goodbye...it was the hardest thing to do but the best decision for me & my kids. I will not contact him again. The only way is if he reaches out to me. I did soo much. I felt it was best to let go, bc if we are together its bc he chose me, & if he doesn't that's fine too bc I'm happy either way as long as I'm not in limbo & moving forward.
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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

> I still don't know but I love u.


Classic. "I love you but I'm not in love with you."



> I said, time has expired, I won't give anymore time. Until you give me the 100% honesty & commitment I deserve, there is nothing left to say about ghetto relationship. You need to get the rest of you things & leave. He was shocked. I wasn't the usual groveling, crying, begging doormat he was use to seeing.
> Thanks to my dedication to the 180 I stuck to the past month & 1/2 that helped me through


. 

90 days is a short time. Continue the 180. He needs to feel the consequences of his actions. 
Start Divorce proceedings, you can always stop them. 


But he did provide for is well financially, which I also cut off when starting the 180. 

Okay. I think that you need to get him to pay. He is getting a lovely single life at your expense! You need him to pay for the kids. When and if you divorce he will need to do this anyway. It is a natural consequence of Divorce.


. 


> Dumbass had me there & just had to decide yes..but unfortunately something is holding him back & I'm sure its the OW he is hoping will leave her H. He is still caught up in that as I cant even recognize who he is since.


He is in fantasy land which I am afraid you are enabling by letting him keep all his money to spend on her and not your kids. This will breed massive anger in you in no time flat.

He is deep in the FOG and the only way you will kick him out of it is with real consequences. 
I hate that "My spouse has been inhabited by an alien" look.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I moved my WW out of the house. Literally. I got boxes. Packed them for her. Found her an apartment. Paid first and last months rent. Then got a truck and moved her **** out.


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## starlightsky (Nov 7, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> I moved my WW out of the house. Literally. I got boxes. Packed them for her. Found her an apartment. Paid first and last months rent. Then got a truck and moved her **** out.


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## starlightsky (Nov 7, 2011)

Our children r not biologically his & we were engaged 4 yrs. 8 together. He wants to keep providing financially, but I said no bc I don't want him to think that is a way to keep me an option. You know that I need him financially do ill always have to talk to him. He also hadnt wanted to get his thing from our home bc it was another form of attachment to us as an option to always come back, thus making him remove them. I will continue the 180. I don't plan on letting up on that as its helped me to regain my self confidence..I will not b contacting him @ all,it will have to be him. I am starting to stick to what I had trouble doing @ first, but am getting myself back & I feel good, & in the process he is getting his consequences. He told me before he left call me if u & the kids need anything, please call me if u do. I told him, thanks but until u r 100% commited to us & counseling we r no longer ur obligation. He just said well I'm always here if u need me. Since the exposureof the affair to OWH & our separation there is no affection. I wonder what was the point of him going to counseling, when he could have just left 6 months ago since there are no legal ties to us by marriage or children...
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## starlightsky (Nov 7, 2011)

Great job AO! What was the outcome in ur sitch? ING..where r things now for u?
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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

ing said:


> I was in a similar situation.
> How do you handle it?
> 
> *1. Stop the affair. Only then can we can talk. *
> ...



:iagree::iagree::iagree:

This is the only way that I know that works.

You have to take the control away from him and place it in your corner. This is the only thing that stops cake eaters. Once they understand that they can no longer control the timeline....the cake eating stops and decisions are made.


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## starlightsky (Nov 7, 2011)

I will continue to stick with my changes. Also my xfiance says it has been over & no longer talks to her, I have yet to find if this is true, but I'm not wasting energy on that unless there is an effort on his part only to a true R then that's the time where he has to earn his way back ,beginning with honesty..
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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

827Aug said:


> Unfortunately I tolerated the "cake eating" for three years. It really took its toll on me. The sooner the "cake eating" is halted, the better. It's time to stop it now! Simply tell your husband he is going to move back into the family home and wholeheartedly participate in marriage counseling. OR you will be filing for divorce (and really mean it). You'll then have his true answer.


I did this... I filed yesterday, my cake eater is living with the OW, 1/2 mile from our family (nice huh?). I am unbelievably sad he was willing to give up our family so easily, but I cannot make him be the man he should be. And my daughters deserve to see their mother treated better.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I left! 

However, I didn't leave until I had solid proof. As if the emotional and verbal abuse wasn't enough. One of his gf's he was cheating on me with moved in 3 days after I left. 18 years later they are together(now married) and he has cheated on her 3 times that I'm aware of. He told our daughter when she was 16 and and was so proud. He no longer has contact with his daughter, his choice. Funny thing is, he still blames me for his misery. Maybe it was because I was strong and I wouldn't let him control me.

I'm in a much better place now. My current husband is the best man to walk this planet! He treats me with respect and is in love with me. We been married 12 years now.
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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

> You have to take the control away from him and place it in your corner. This is the only thing that stops cake eaters. Once they understand that they can no longer control the timeline....the cake eating stops and decisions are made.


:iagree:
It is not until you really let go and decide to have a new life that they go Uh oh.. Then all of a sudden you are in control. They may want to come back, but by this stage you may not want to be with them any more. It is a fine line. Very fine. 

This is why I say that you make it very clear that you are deciding for yourself and that you still love them [ this may change too] They need to understand what it happening..


They are not in control
You are moving on
Time is up.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I did this... I filed yesterday, my cake eater is living with the OW, 1/2 mile from our family (nice huh?). I am unbelievably sad he was willing to give up our family so easily, but I cannot make him be the man he should be. And my daughters deserve to see their mother treated better.


You bet they do! Well done. Feel a little better?
have you changed the locks or taken his keys off him?


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

ing said:


> You bet they do! Well done. Feel a little better?
> have you changed the locks or taken his keys off him?


I think today, I will make that call.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I waffled and let her cake eat, false NC, a couple DDays, lots of gaslighting and the rest of the standard torture... 

until I satsfied my own expectations of myself and my effort to 'save my family'. When I reached the point I felt my example of what a good husband and father would do was worthy of what I would teach my son some day....

Then...

Things changed. I was not very pleasant.

The hammer came down. 

She's gone now.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I think today, I will make that call.


Call made, as of next week, he will not walk in and out of here as he pleases... my attorney said go ahead I have the right... moving on


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