# Six years without passion



## lonelyintexas (Feb 5, 2018)

For over six years now my wife has had zero passion for me. We only have sex now about once every six months and she lays there and doesn't move, look at me or touch me. I work from home running a couple of small businesses and I do all the housework and most the cooking. I think I am a good guy, we almost never fight. I tell her she is beautiful and sexy everyday. I love her with all my heart, she is a great person and has lots of friends. I just dont know what to do. So desperately lonely and neglected.


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

lonelyintexas said:


> For over six years now my wife has had zero passion for me. We only have sex now about once every six months and she lays there and doesn't move, look at me or touch me. I work from home running a couple of small businesses and I do all the housework and most the cooking. I think I am a good guy, we almost never fight. I tell her she is beautiful and sexy everyday. I love her with all my heart, she is a great person and has lots of friends. I just dont know what to do. So desperately lonely and neglected.


It would seem like you're doing everything right. Have you tried any quasi-sexual activities with her like a massage or something?

Obviously each case is different. I'm just throwing it out there.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

lonelyintexas said:


> For over six years now my wife has had zero passion for me. We only have sex now about once every six months and she lays there and doesn't move, look at me or touch me. I work from home running a couple of small businesses and I do all the housework and most the cooking. I think I am a good guy, we almost never fight. I tell her she is beautiful and sexy everyday. I love her with all my heart, she is a great person and has lots of friends. I just dont know what to do. So desperately lonely and neglected.


How can you love someone with all your heart who does not love you back?

You do all thehousework,most of the cooking, tell her shes sexy etc etc.


What does she do?

Lots of friends ? Does she work? 

Sounds like your getting scraps. Hmm how that working?

Time to pull back and keep your eyes open could she be cheating?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What was the sex like before the last 6 years? How long have you been married? Did anything happen 6 years ago in the marriage? Have you tried MC?


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Start with reading No More Mr. Nice Guy.
Let me tell you a quick story about housework.
My wife said she was too tired for sex.
For next 14 months, started slow & worked up, I did all the housework. Mopped floors, made supper in crock pot before leaving for work. Didn't try initiate at first, gave her space, took kids out for events.

Slowly started initiating more & more. She said NO, I didn't let it bother me. Took kids fishing instead.

At 14 months, we had had sex 5.5 times. One morning I tried, she said NO, phase 2 started. I didn't do NOTHIN.
No dishes, no cooking, nothing.
Following weekend, she asks why I am not doing anything. I looked at her and said "Why no sex?"
She said "What's that got to do with anything?" I mentioned all the stuff I had been doing because she said she was tired.

She said "You did all that JUST for sex?" I said "That's the problem, for you it's just sex, for me it's how I feel connected to you.

I did this to take away her excuse of housework, as someone else posted on TAM, "It's a good excuse with a endpoint that always moves ahead of you"

Now my wife had abuse in her past, does yours?

What was your MIL's view of sex?

Have you put on weight?

Do you shower, brush your teeth and wear clean clothes?

Give your wife this link and say "We need to talk."

https://forgivenwife.com/sexless-marriage-loveless-marriage/

How old are both of you?

Do you have kids? (if not, DON'T start until this is resolved)

How often do you go on dates, spend time together actually talking?

She's gettin all the perks of being married to you, what are you getting out of it???


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## weneedtotalk (Jan 30, 2018)

Hey I really like that link you shared from theforgivenwife. Thanks


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lonelyintexas said:


> For over six years now my wife has had zero passion for me. We only have sex now about once every six months and she lays there and doesn't move, look at me or touch me. I work from home running a couple of small businesses and I do all the housework and most the cooking. I think I am a good guy, we almost never fight. I tell her she is beautiful and sexy everyday. I love her with all my heart, she is a great person and has lots of friends. I just dont know what to do. So desperately lonely and neglected.


Is your wife home all day with you? Does she have a job? If she has a job, how many hours a week does she work?

Do the two of you date? If so, how often do you two go out together? What sort of things do you do?

How many hours a week do you spend with your wife doing things that you both enjoy? Things like dating, talking to each other, etc?


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## lonelyintexas (Feb 5, 2018)

I am new to the board so bear with me as I try to address all the questions. We both work from home and get along well, I run two small businesses and she is a remote project manager. We have date nights 2-3 times a month as well as dinners with friends. I am a healthy and fit 54 and she is 44 and beautiful. Her job consumes about 25-30 hours a week the rest of her time is spent on yoga, the gym, cycling class, running club, book club and girls nights out. I have a lot on my plate and can barely fit in time for the gym. Seven years ago she became pregnant with our son (now 6) and that is when things began to change, as expected, sexually. And we both make 6 figure salaries, have almost no debt and live simple lives. 

All for now, I have dinner to make, then swim classes for our son then I am taking some online business courses and I am behind. Thanks for all the thoughtful comments.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

lonely, have you sat down with your wife and expressed your sadness over the lack of passion in your lives? I mean, I would be sad, too! 

It's important to communicate what is going on with you. When you have date nights, can somebody like one of your parents care for your son overnight? It might help get things going in the bedroom if there's no fear of interruption. Do you have a lock on your bedroom door?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

I think because you can identify when the passion ended, it likely matches up with an affair she had you never found out about.


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## lonelyintexas (Feb 5, 2018)

I have communicated my disappointment with our sex life, the talks seem to go well and we actually had sex a couple days after our last talk. It was worse than not even trying. The humiliation for me of having a partner that just lays there, doesn't touch me or let me really touch her. We have a nanny and overnight getaways happen for concerts, extended date nights or trips out of town. Nothing has ever happened on those overnighters. I can't even imagine how I would feel if I found out she had or was cheating on me. She is my whole life.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Lonely,
There is an inherent conflict between passion and stability. Absolute stability - tends to kill passion. It isn’t just the boredom factor it’s the fact that the person creating stability is often quietly, desperately clingy. For example, there is no scenario where I would accept sex when my wife was lying still, disengaged and clearly uninterested. 

You have chosen to prioritize stability way, way higher than passion so - that’s what you have gotten. A stable, friendly and passionless environment. 

In my experience, people who make that choice are absolutely unwilling to do anything that risks instability. 

The simplest way to describe this is to put folks in one of 3 categories:
1. Those who are willing to divorce a partner who is either badly behaved or incompatible 
2. Those who are willing to prioritize themselves at the expense of a badly behaved / incompatible partner - even when they know their partner is unhappy being deprioritized and may leave them over it
3. Those who are indistinguishable from a doormat

In your case, you are constantly validating your wife by telling her she is beautiful, you love her etc. This, despite the fact she seems totally uninterested in you as a husband. 

And yes - having a child may temporarily reduce desire, but not for six years. But you haven’t said anything about what your sex life was like prior to having a child, other than it was better than twice a year and presumably she didn’t lie their motionless making it as clear as possible she really wished she wasn’t having sex with you. 





lonelyintexas said:


> I have communicated my disappointment with our sex life, the talks seem to go well and we actually had sex a couple days after our last talk. It was worse than not even trying. The humiliation for me of having a partner that just lays there, doesn't touch me or let me really touch her. We have a nanny and overnight getaways happen for concerts, extended date nights or trips out of town. Nothing has ever happened on those overnighters. I can't even imagine how I would feel if I found out she had or was cheating on me. She is my whole life.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

lonelyintexas said:


> I have communicated my disappointment with our sex life, the talks seem to go well and we actually had sex a couple days after our last talk. It was worse than not even trying. The humiliation for me of having a partner that just lays there, doesn't touch me or let me really touch her. We have a nanny and overnight getaways happen for concerts, extended date nights or trips out of town. Nothing has ever happened on those overnighters. I can't even imagine how I would feel if I found out she had or was cheating on me. She is my whole life.


This last sentence says it all.

Your wife should complement your life, not be it.

Not only is it unhealthy...who wants to bear that burden? I bet she doesn't. 

Love yourself enough to refuse to accept the unacceptable.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

MEM2020 said:


> Lonely,
> There is an inherent conflict between passion and stability. Absolute stability - tends to kill passion. It isn’t just the boredom factor it’s the fact that the person creating stability is often quietly, desperately clingy. For example, there is no scenario where I would accept sex when my wife was lying still, disengaged and clearly uninterested.
> 
> You have chosen to prioritize stability way, way higher than passion so - that’s what you have gotten. A stable, friendly and passionless environment.
> ...


QFT.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Lonely,

Constantly telling someone who isn’t attracted to you, that they are sexy, is absolutely destructive.

Newsflash: she knows you desire her 

Daily mention of your desire, in the face of her absolute lack of passion - creates a bad dynamic. 

This guy used to post on here all the time. He complained about how rarely his wife would initiate the statement: I love you

So I asked him, how often do YOU initiate by saying it to her. And he said - maybe 4 to 5 times a day. And I cringed when I read that. I told him: She might not be hearing what you say as a statement. Instead she may hear it as a question, the question being: do YOU love ME

And I said, if I was her I wouldn’t like that. Wouldn’t like being constantly asked to reassure her that I love her. 

Months go by - and she tells him that - very often when he says: I love you
She knows he is asking if she loves him. And - she didn’t like that. 






farsidejunky said:


> This last sentence says it all.
> 
> Your wife should complement your life, not be it.
> 
> ...


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

OP,

you describe your W as fit, beautiful, financially successful, who is into yoga, the gym, cycling class, running club, book club and girls nights out, and she's not been into you for over SIX YEARS !

She's cheating on you, I would almost guarantee it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

barbados said:


> OP,
> 
> you describe your W as fit, beautiful, financially successful, who is into yoga, the gym, cycling class, running club, book club and girls nights out, and she's not been into you for over SIX YEARS !
> 
> She's cheating on you, I would almost guarantee it.


This is the logical answer.

Possibilities:

1) She actually does have no desire for intimacy. While certainly possible, it is 'rather' unlikely. She could have only wanted sex so as to have a baby. Thereafter, you are not needed in that capacity. 

2) She may be cheating with a married man. She is getting sexually satisfied from him, once or twice a week. 
They are presently happy with the affair. Neither want to blow up their marriages.

3) She has had traumatic sexual experiences, especially as a young girl. CSA. Childhood sexual abuse.

4) She gets no satisfaction out of PIV, no orgasm. She masturbates on her own. A good possibility on this. If she got regular orgasms she would be up for sex on a regular basis.
You would think.

5) She is gay.

6) She has friend zoned you. And she does not get off on having sex with friends.

7) She finds you repulsive. For a good reason, or no reason.

Next time she takes a shower check to see if she wears a bag inside her panties. Full of ice cubes.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Certain medications can kill a woman's libido. Sometimes birth control pills do this. And anti-anxiety meds, too.

What meds is she taking?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

lonelyintexas said:


> She is my whole life.


Ugh.

Whenever I hear this being said, the word _co-dependency _immediately pops into my head.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Make sure she is really going to yoga class. Dont assume she is cheating. She may or may not be. But it doesn’t hurt to do a little discreet Sam Spade work to find out.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

lonelyintexas said:


> For over six years now my wife has had zero passion for me. We only have sex now about once every six months and she lays there and doesn't move, look at me or touch me. I work from home running a couple of small businesses and I do all the housework and most the cooking. I think I am a good guy, we almost never fight. I tell her she is beautiful and sexy everyday. I love her with all my heart, she is a great person and has lots of friends. I just dont know what to do. So desperately lonely and neglected.


How can you call her a great person? WTF? She's using you and doesn't care about you! You need to learn to stick up for yourself and get what you want in a relationship or develop the strength to leave and find someone that will give you what you need.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This six years without sex situation never seems to amaze me.

My wife has a really beautiful friend who is in her late 40's. She has been divorced for ten years and never dates. She acts asexual.
She has to be. 

She simply has no interest in anything sexual. 

Many men have asked her out. She turns them down.
When my wife asks, she always says they do not meet her standards. Uh, OK.

These men and women exist. 

I do not believe OP's wife is one of these. I think she is getting some side action.

I hope I am wrong.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

She's cheating. My God, six years! Get rid of her. You are doing the Pick Me dance. Stop it. Do a hard 180. I'd guess that it's time for the D.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

Have you asked her why she’s not into sex anymore? Have you asked her why she just lays there silently and refuses to even look at you? What does she say? 

No one would think that is normal behavior. Not even her. I struggled with a low sex drive for years and there was a short time when I hated sex. I still at least pretended to enjoy myself to spare my husband's feelings. It sounds like she’s completely shutting down during sex....

There’s got to be more to this story. If she really doesn’t care about you at all then she wouldn’t be “a great person” to you outside of the bedroom either.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

What does she do on these "girls night outs"? Do you know the people she hangs out with? Do you trust them? Are there ever times where you don't know who she is with, or what she is doing exactly? It may be wise to either follow her, or have her followed by somebody at least once. At the very least, it can give you peace of mind that she isn't giving her affections to someone else. At worst, you'll know the marriage is not worth continuing.

Come back afterward and tell us what happened.

I know there's at least one thing you need to do. Quit being her doormat. Demand her attention to your marriage, even at the expense of her extensive social life. Your marriage is more important. Her priorities need to be shaken up big time, in my opinion.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

OP your behavior is that of a weak complete doormat, who is lamenting on a internet forum about your wife's complete lack of passion for you, while you keep putting her in a pedestal that if it ever tumbles your life is over because you wouldn't know what to do. 

I doubt that you'll follow any of the advice given to you here, but at least you should check those "girl's night out" you might find there the shock of your life.

Me. With my first wife I let slide for about three months of no sex; after those three months I left her and got divorce. Best decision I ever done in my life.

You only need to ask yourself what is it that you want for you in your marriage: you want a loving, amorous, emotionally bonding marriage? Yes, then either she gives you that and all is honky Dory, or no, she does not gives you that what you want, then you divorce and find a compatible mate. It is that easy. You just need to get the balls, be a man and do it.


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