# I am having a real hard time getting it together today.



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

My WS had a business meeting yesterday. I knew where she was at and who she was meeting she called me when she arrived and called me when she left. Everything checks out but I am looking over my shoulder and having trouble believing her. I have checked everything out and it was above board but I have not been able to get past my doubts. DD was this past July. How do I get past this? I need to work I need to focus I need to get a full nights sleep


----------



## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Everything checked out?
Then relax.
All you can do is verify.
I'm 7 months out and I still get moments of, 'Oh God, what's she up to?' and start scrambling around looking for evidence.
Only to not find any.
Just keep verifying and you'll eventually calm down in baby steps.

But, for me, that I automatically go into a panic mode is probably the main reason that I may go through with D. I can't be arsed living like that all my life.
Still, one day at a time.


----------



## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

After reading your threads, it seems you didn't heal properly in the initial stages when you firs found out- there was no NC letter; there was no counseling sessions(your wife not going with you when you finally did); there was no exposure(to his wife or your children). You basically swept it under the rug hoping it would just go away. 

Now, you're going to counseling(without your wife); you still haven't exposed; and your children are in the dark as to what ails you. In my opinion, you're doing the heavy lifting while your wife is in damage control mode... she's the one who should be pro-active in healing your wounds, but I don't find that in ANY of your posts. 

Furthermore, your wife not only cheated on you, but on your whole family- your kids included. They, as adults, have a right to know what is bothering you. Clearly they sense something is not right with you. Include them in your healing as a means of support. To me, it seems your wife is happy with the status quo concerning the situation. If she was as remorseful as you say, she would've sat ALL of the family down and express her deep remorse for her behavior in decieving and betraying the WHOLE family.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

We are now both in counseling , you are right about not exposing it to the kids, yes they are adults but they are both having their own issues, I still do want to dump this on them. We did finally do a NC letter that I sent to all of his emails and turned into a text for his cell as well. My wife is now answering any questions I have as well.

I have all the bases covered on who she is talking with, emailing and everything that goes on the computer and phone. I just have these nagging doubts that eat me alive when something happens like a offsite business meeting, or I drive by a hotel I know they met at, it just spins me up. Sometime in comes out as anger some time suspension.


----------



## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

I'm not doing well everyday! Except for hugs from my daughter a lifeline right now. I'm having a hard time concentrating on work which irks me I need to throw myself into to it more. Drinking more coffee lately and taking 1/2 a benedryl to sleep -- I have alcohol in the house but I have no desire to drink thankfully -what good does it do to be numb for awhile and come right back to where you are?
I'm really angry that this was done to us! She turns my world upside down and where is the justice?


----------



## collegemom (Dec 7, 2011)

The only reason anyone tells their spouse they've cheated is because the guilt if overwhelming. I would never tell my kids, never. What purpose does this serve? My kid still remembers she didn't get an award in the 3rd grade, I can't imagine what this would do to her. Your kids are to be protected every day of your life. Telling them daddy screwed around on mommy and that's why mommy is sad is really messed up.


----------



## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

> you are right about not exposing it to the kids, yes they are adults but they are both having their own issues, I still do want to dump this on them.


They are a valuable support unit. They are trusted family members.They are _your children_. They see the pain you are going through. I can bet that if and when they ever do find out, they will ask you why you kept it from them.



> The only reason anyone tells their spouse they've cheated is because the guilt if overwhelming. I would never tell my kids, never. What purpose does this serve? My kid still remembers she didn't get an award in the 3rd grade, I can't imagine what this would do to her. Your kids are to be protected every day of your life. Telling them daddy screwed around on mommy and that's why mommy is sad is really messed up.



I can see if they were adolescents or teenagers. The social pressures are immense and a revelation like this would be destructive, but these are adults we are talking about here; they are part of the _bigger_ picture.



> Your kids are to be protected every day of your life.


Its one thing to protect your kids, but another leaving them blind and ignorant to the truth.

Who is he REALLY protecting; his children, or his cheating wife?


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

collegemom said:


> The only reason anyone tells their spouse they've cheated is because the guilt if overwhelming. I would never tell my kids, never. What purpose does this serve? My kid still remembers she didn't get an award in the 3rd grade, I can't imagine what this would do to her. Your kids are to be protected every day of your life. Telling them daddy screwed around on mommy and that's why mommy is sad is really messed up.


his kids are adults


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Actually I can`t see how you`d get around telling the kids in some situations even if they were young.

I`m pretty sure my wife cheating would result in divorce.

This is going to affect my kid and I don`t know what I would tell her other than the truth.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Blindasabat said:


> She turns my world upside down and where is the justice?


I feel the same way where is the justice! I really want to beat this guy into a pulp and make my wife watch but what good would that do. In jail, put my job on the line.


----------



## collegemom (Dec 7, 2011)

Who is he REALLY protecting; his children, or his cheating wife?[/QUOTE]


I know it's a hard idea to grasp but I keep my business to myself. I choose not to tell my kid, who is 19, my business. I've never told her that I did drugs in the 70's, had sex when I was 15 and many other things from my past. This is my choice, it serves absolutely no purpose to tell her my business. I wouldn't tell her dad was having an affair. Maybe to save her opinion of her dad but mostly to let her live her life without my problems consuming her.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

collegemom said:


> Who is he REALLY protecting; his children, or his cheating wife?



I know it's a hard idea to grasp but I keep my business to myself. I choose not to tell my kid, who is 19, my business. I've never told her that I did drugs in the 70's, had sex when I was 15 and many other things from my past. This is my choice, it serves absolutely no purpose to tell her my business. I wouldn't tell her dad was having an affair. Maybe to save her opinion of her dad but mostly to let her live her life without my problems consuming her.[/QUOTE]


well when mom and dad are splitting up and cheating mom starts spewing lies to the kids about why, then would you stay quiet?


----------



## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

> I know it's a hard idea to grasp but I keep my business to myself. I choose not to tell my kid, who is 19, my business. I've never told her that I did drugs in the 70's, had sex when I was 15 and many other things from my past. This is my choice, it serves absolutely no purpose to tell her my business. I wouldn't tell her dad was having an affair. Maybe to save her opinion of her dad but mostly to let her live her life without my problems consuming her.


Although I respect your position, I truly don't know what to say... really, I don't. A sheltered life such as this doesn't help a child either. I'm sure you mean well, though.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I didn't tell my (adult and older teen) kids what happened right on D Day but they know now. I've also told them I did drugs in the 80's, ran away from home at 16, and quit school. I think it arms them better to know their mom has made mistakes and learned from them, and since a large percentage of marriages experience infidelity, I think that knowing I've been through it will be good for them to know if they ever experience it. And statistically at least one of them will 

As for the triggers - I hope they go away one day but I'm not holding my breath. My hubby will be going to a work function on the 20th, the same 'team building' function he used as cover to meet up with one of his 'models' 2 years ago, and just this morning I was thinking about that and started hyperventilating.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Well I am feeling and doing the same dumb things agian today my wife is at another meeting today. I saw the email from the owner to her and her reply. I called the hotel and yes the company is holding a meeting there today.

It just drives me nuts, i did not sleep, eat and I cannot focus at work!


----------



## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

Hang in there, dude. How are things on the homefront?


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Things are OK but I just have trouble focusing and I realize that this could jepordize my job and income. I am almost 100% commision for my livelyhood. 

The bedroom is still a very tense place in our home as. She tells me all I can think about is "what are you thinking". Of course all I can think about is those images that swirl around in my head


----------



## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

> I can think about is those images that swirl around in my head


Images? As in mind movies?


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

mahike you may be interested in reading *EMDR: An Approach to Healing Betrayal Wounds in Couples Counseling* and *EMDR: The Breakthrough "Eye Movement" Therapy for Overcoming Anxiety, Stress, and Trauma*.

A male friend of my oldest daughter suffered from severe PTSD from his tours in Iraq. He successfully underwent EMDR therapy to relieve the horrific images he experienced while over there.

Good luck.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Yes I mean mind movies. I have known this guy since high school. So since I know him and I have read things I wish I had not. I have an HD event going on in my head. I can ususally shut it down by thinking about my kids and my grandchild but when I walk into the bedroom it turns on.


----------



## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

> I have known this guy since high school.


Oh, wow. I wasn't aware he was a family friend. I thought he was just some random guy she met. So this is a double betrayal so-to-speak. Yeah... that hurts. Is he married also? Did you inform his wife?


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

soboboddy said:


> I`m pretty sure my wife cheating would result in divorce.


That's about as common to say as, "I'd never cheat on my spouse." And yet here we are, in droves.....


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

What kind of a mge., do you really have, at this point?????

You are always looking over your shoulder.

You know your wife, knows HOW to cheat on you, and get away with it, as she did it for months. During that period, she also lied, and it came easy to her, she treated you with disdain, as if you were a POS. So you are now wary, as to who she is with, and what she is doing.

You have visions triggered by many things, and your sub-conscious is still causing you major problems.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE AS IT IS?????

It ain't gonna change as long as your children's mother is there, and you have to see her/be with her every day.

The other guy is in your bed every night, like a big white elephant in the room!!!!

So tell me, how is it that you claim everything is pretty good, with your mge., To me it sounds like you are living a pretty miserable life, and once again, that ain't gonna change, as long as you are married, to your children's mother.

This is all about choices, and an attempt at having a reasonably happy finish to your life, THAT AIN'T HAPPENING FOR YOU!!!!!


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

mahike said:


> Yes I mean mind movies. I have known this guy since high school. So since I know him and I have read things I wish I had not. I have an HD event going on in my head. I can ususally shut it down by thinking about my kids and my grandchild but when I walk into the bedroom it turns on.


Did you ever tell the other man's wife? If not you should do it ASAP. If you let it go too long it will be harder to do. He should not be able to do this and walk away with no consequences. This lack of justice will bug you to no end.

Also, this will help you stop looking over your shoulders for him as much since the other man's wife will now be also be watching out too. Just do it. Do not tell your wife first. Her reaction when she hears about it will tell you volumes about her feelings for the OM. Things you have been losing sleep about wondering.


----------

