# I have been given an ultimatum



## the_game (Jun 17, 2013)

Hi,

First of all I landed on this forum after passing through couple of dead ones. I have to confess that I wont be making decision based on internet posts but here I can get views of as many helpful members as possible. I have been discussing this with my friends, relatives and my boss and all have their own opinion. 

Right, so I am 25 dating a girl who is 28 since last 2 years. Age no problem. She is very close to her mom and dad and both of them are very protective of her. They didn't even approve of our relationship at first but as they got to know me slowly they began liking me. 

Couple of months back her family invited me for dinner. It was all going great until her father asked for a private chat. He said that he doesn't want his daughter to remain unmarried when she join the 30s club. I had a long talk with him that night and then again met him in some bar to discuss this further.

The ultimate result was either I say yes to the marriage by Dec and marry her in within the first three months of 2014 or I completely forget her. He gave me so much time after long and hard negotiation.

Financially I have no problem. Even my girlfriend is working for a big company. The real problem is I don't want to get married. 

Yes, I am not a kid anymore and know exactly what I am talking about. I have seen the way life turns after marriage and I am not prepared for that. I have a lot of opportunities in my current company to go places. If I get married I have to consult with someone when making every decision. I don't think I could do that. 

My girlfriend also realizes that her father care for her and she knows she isn't growing and younger. If she wait any longer then all she will get is bachelors in their 30s and divorced men. We are having a lot of problems in our relationship due to this. Sometimes she even say that she doesn't want to wait till December and its either now or never. 

I really love my girlfriend and she is a wonderful person. If I was even 70% sure that I will get married at some point in my life, I would say yes and marry her but I am 100% sure that I never want to get married.

Really in a pickle.


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

You're "100% sure you don't want to get married".

Then don't get married.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The fact that her father is so involved with your relationship is a huge red flag for me... And the fact that she's letting it happen is another. I would suggest deciding what you want to do, ignoring the ultimatum. If that doesn't jive with their plans, too bad, so sad. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

What else in your relationship will her father dictate? How often you have sex? Where the kids go to school? Where you're allowed to live? How old are you again?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

last I checked, in the US, women have the right to make their own relationship decisions

I do think you should be very open about your intentions with your GF and allow her to make the choice


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

How long were you with your g/f _before_ you told her that you didn't want to get married....EVER?

If she knew this fairly early in your r/s, then I can't say that you're at fault for staying together. But if you let her know, and NOW both her father AND your g/f are pressuring you to get married, your g/f is the one with the problem. 

On the other hand, if you didn't let her know fairly early in the r/s, that you weren't intersted in marriage --EVER--then I would say that you handled your part in the relationship poorly. If you have strong feelings about marriage, you don't 'fall in love' with someone THEN spring on them that you don't want to get married! 

I think a lot of peolpe would automatically assume that marriage would be a logical 'next step' if you've been dating for a few years, and you love each other, resolve your differences fairly quickly,etc.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

the_game said:


> Hi,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You have made your decision. What you haven't done is stood by your decision (yet). All you need do now is make yourself clear and be prepared to let her go. 

If you truly love her, and if she truly wants marriage and children in her future, then you have to let her go. Sooner rather than later. Forget about her Dad. He is not a part of this equation.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

You and your girlfriend want different things out of life. She and her dad are letting you know that it's a deal-breaker. You can honor what you want and let her go, or you can cave in and honor what they want. It really is that simple.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

LanieB said:


> It sounds like you've already made your decision. Of course you're not going to marry her if you don't want to marry. Did your g/f know this? Either way, her father giving you an ultimatum is ridiculous. You don't want to tie yourself to that family. There would only be more problems down the road.


:iagree:

How long before dear old dad says "It's now time for grandchildren, I don't care if you want kids or not"


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Even if you wanted to marry her, there would be three of you in the marriage since her dad feels like he's part of your relationship (and apparently your girlfriend is okay with that).

Walk away.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I'm not quite sure what your decision is since you wrote, "I am 100% sure that I never want to get married."

So if she wants to get married, for whatever reason - even if it's pressure from her father - and you don't, then it is not fair at all to keep dating her. 

You love her so much that you don't want to let her go, yet she wants to get married and have kids, which will never happen with you, so you are depriving her of the happiness that she wants and needs in life.

I think it is really unfair what you have been doing. If you've been unsure all these years about getting married and not sure if she's the right one, then this time was spent getting to know each other. But is seems like you ARE sure of yourself. You DO NOT want to get married.

Her father is right, although he should mind his own business. Time gets more precious as you get older, and it's not so easy to find the man of your dreams. Please tell her the truth that you have been hiding from her - that you are 100% sure that you do not want to get married - then break her heart but set her free.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you don't want to marry her daddy, don't marry her daddy. If a 25 year old lady is happy to date a guy the rest of her life, it's her business. Your business is with his adult daughter. His desires regarding marriage are only relevant if you have some inclination to marry him.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

There is no reason to be married by 30 unless you BOTH want to be married by 30. 

If you start giving in to ultimatums, prepare to have that continue for the rest of your marriage.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

The fact that the father is weighing so much in your relationship is red flag. Even if you did want to marry her it should be in your terms (you and her). 

Don't ever give in to ultimatums you will be resenting it later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

How romantic.

You should not marry her for many reasons.

The NUMBER ONE reason is that she will never belived you married her voluntarily, and therefore she will always hate you.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Your not in a "pickle". You do not want to get married. She clearly is not "the one" or this would not be and issue. Let her move on and you do the same.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Can think of a few worse ways to start a marriage, but this one ranks up there.

Time to learn to say what you mean and mean what you say. You love her, but not enough to want to spend the rest of your life with her. You think you will never feel the kind of love that makes you WANT to take the risk of getting married, because you see marriage as disappointing at best and heart breaking at worst. That will hopefully change in time, but obviously, now is not the time.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

I remember in my mid 20's asking a woman out on a date. She then said that she had to ask her dad for permission. Mind you she was 24 and still living at home. I said "nevermind" and walked away. 

OP,

At 28 years old her father's role is simply to watch out for her and help her make the right decisions. He has NO business telling you what, when and where with your GF. I think he would respect you as a man if you simply told him that you will married when you are good and ready and if she doesn't want to wait then move on.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

the_game said:


> Hi,
> 
> First of all I landed on this forum after passing through couple of duead ones. I have to confess that I wont be making decision based on internet posts but here I can get views of as many helpful members as possible. I have been discussing this with my friends, relatives and my boss and all have their own opinion.
> 
> ...



That's the shotgun approach
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

If you are 100% sure you don't want to get married - then don't. BUT, make sure that every woman you date after this knows upfront that you are not the marrying kind. You wasted 2 years of this womans life knowing she wanted to get married and have kids - unkind at best.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

JustHer said:


> If you are 100% sure you don't want to get married - then don't. BUT, make sure that every woman you date after this knows upfront that you are not the marrying kind. You wasted 2 years of this womans life knowing she wanted to get married and have kids - unkind at best.


:iagree:


If you do not want to marry her tell her now you do not want to marry her. Then she can give you the push and have the dignity of saying she dumped you.


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## ASummersDay (Mar 4, 2013)

I guess what I'm wondering is, if you don't want to have to consult someone about your decisions, why are you in a relationship at all? Seems pretty selfish to me.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

i agree with Justher. You need to tell your GF and all future girlfriends right up front that you never want to get married. My brother was divorced with a few kids. He was 100% sure he did not want any more kids. He dated several woman who were never married with no kids, and he told them upfront that he didn't want kids, and they broke up pretty quickly. it was the fair thing to do. Although talking about serious stuff like marriage and kids seems presumptuous on the 2nd or 3rd date, full disclosure on such an important issue is incumbent upon you to do. So it is definitely something you need to say after 2 years.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

PBear said:


> The fact that her father is so involved with your relationship is a huge red flag for me... And the fact that she's letting it happen is another. I would suggest deciding what you want to do, ignoring the ultimatum. If that doesn't jive with their plans, too bad, so sad.


 I can't understand how this relationship can even survive in such an atmosphere. She is going to spend the rest of her life doing exactly what her parents tell her to do, husband or not. And you'll spend the rest of your life being told how worthless you are. 

Run. You're only 25. You'll meet tons of other, stronger women.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

One post. It appears OP has left the building.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

yah


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