# An Interesting Dilemma



## samusk (Aug 8, 2007)

This is going to sound very wierd to most of you, and I hope this is the right place for this so here goes.

About four years ago I met a woman and we dated, soon after a year had a child together. Up until a month ago, we were living together happily, or so I thought. I found out she wasn't happy through long talks with her, which came too late. The guy she is with now has pulled a fast one and in some way forced her into a marriage with him in order to try and get her son from me. Now, after speaking with her for weeks we both have strong feelings for each other, and she wants out of this marriage. She claims the guy is overly protective, never gives her space, is abusive, and in her own words has sex with her even when she doesn't want to in the first place. She feels trapped, and can only turn to me for help. I want her to come back with me and she agrees. However, she needs to get away from this guy in order to get the anullment started. We had a great family together, and we both want to make this work.
Now she fears he'll try and get her pregnant in a last ditch effort to make her stay. She doesn't believe me when I tell her that no is no even when married and can get him for rape.

I know this is a lot to read, but I would like some feedback on this please. We are willing to be a family again no matter the cost.


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## JustMe (Jul 30, 2007)

Hi Samusk! Not weird, just a bit complicated. Sounds like she does need to get out of the marriage. I'd tell her to get on the pill, or the shot (if she's afraid he'll see the pills and get mad) no need bringing babies into an unhappy marriage. I'm just curious, is there a reason you two didn't get married before? I'm glad you want to be a family again, and I hope she's not just agreeing to have you help her get out of her marriage. I'm not trying to be a downer, I've just seen so many people duped by the 'back and forth' thing. Getting out of her marriage is up to you. If she's afraid of him, she can have a policeman at the house while she packs her things, and if he's been abusive before, I believe she can get a restraining order...probably will need a safe place to stay also.
Good luck!
Keep posting if you need to. It can be really helpful!


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## samusk (Aug 8, 2007)

OK I'm going to be brief here about my not getting married. I am 25 and she is 22. We were young when our son was born and immediatley started to live together. I didn't have the money I needed for a nice wedding. Its kind of an ego thing with me that I am now paying for. 

Anyway, she constantly tells me he keeps her home, has sex numerous times a day in order to get her pregnant on purpose. That totally makes me sick because she cries when she speaks of it. She says he's sweet but extremely over-protective. I can get her out and take her to a neutral place. That much is certain almost. I nearly had her convinced today. The other big thing is her getting pregnant. She will go as far as abortion if it happens because she doesn't want kids with him. I lay awake at night thinking if this is a game but when I look into her eyes it's filled with sadness and fear. She feels trapped to the point where I would go and physically bring her home. But in doing that I risk putting myself in danger as this kid can be dangerous when drunk. I won't go to jail and lose my son over this. yet I need to get her out. I feel like i am powerless. It's not because shes my ex but the fact that shes treated like this is unacceptable by any means. We both love each other and I can tell she is sorry for what she has done. she is feeble minded to begin with and he took advantage of this. He knows she has no one to turn to, but gets ansy when my name comes up. I know the kid dispizes me for the fact that we had a good life and he just wanted it for himself. It seems like it backfired in his face and he will stop at nothing to keep her from her family and her friends. They live in the ghetto far away from family and firends as well. I hate taking her back there at night knowing she might be hurt or worse. 

I just wish I could find some kind of legal way to get her out, and annull the marriage. I hope someone can help me out. It's killing me inside.


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## JustMe (Jul 30, 2007)

I'm so sorry you and she are going through this. I so wish that I knew of a way to get her out safely and legally. Can you call child protective services and tell them that you're worried about your son?....scratch that. You don't want her to end up in trouble for anything. Shoot! I wish I had an answer for you. Maybe someone else will know what to do. 
I'm sorry about being cynical in my previous post. I get the whole picture now. I'm 27, and I know that I was a completely different person as far as mind-set when I was 22. Poor her! My heart goes out to you both. Please keep me posted. You guys will be in my thoughts and prayers!
~Sarah


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## samusk (Aug 8, 2007)

to point out one more thing. I have custody of the child at this point. I just got done speaking to her. She says shes ready to leave, but I don't think she has the courage because he won't let her go. As a last resort I am trying to get her family to let go of their hatred of her and help me. I believe deep down that they want to help her. I hope I can do this. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I am prepared to defend myself from him if necessary. I won't let her be hurt anymore. 

One thing I don't understand is ho can child services help out. She's not pregnant or has kids. Unless you mean the house will be unfit for children then yes it is possible. I am going to try and find some legal forums as well to see if they can help out. I appreciate you giving advice and I will continue to watch this board and keep everyone posted that is watching as well.

You know, I would never do this for anyone else, but she is different. Not because of her being the mother of my child, but I still love her and I always will.


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## JustMe (Jul 30, 2007)

Oh, ok. I thought she had the child with her. That's why I thought child services could help. Unfortunately, the police probably won't do much unless she calls and says she's leaving and needs an officer there. Maybe? Hopefully?
She's very lucky to have you to help her. I know there are alot of women who get into these situations and don't have anyone. Good for you for being so brave and loving. That's what I consider a "real man".
Good luck!


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## samusk (Aug 8, 2007)

Well, I'm going ahead with it probably on Saturday (my time). Being that we are not together anymore means she won't be living with me at the moment for her and my safety. I don't know whether we will be together again but at least I will do one last good thing for her. It wouldn't be right on my conscience if I do nothing. She still says he forces her to have sex with him. I tried to tell her she can put him away, but I don't think she will for fear of backlash. She just needs to get away from him in my opinion. She says he makes her dinner, and protects her, but at what price?

As usual I will keep everyone posted. 

Wish me luck 
~Kris


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## JustMe (Jul 30, 2007)

There is a difference between "protection" and control...a big difference. I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. I'll be out of town this weekend, but I'll check in when I can. Keep me posted, and Good luck!!
~Sarah


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## kaelcarp (Aug 2, 2007)

You are doing the right thing, samusk, no doubt at all. Keep going.


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## MrsLV (Jul 3, 2007)

Well, first of all, she should get on some sort of birth control, I think. I'm not one for birth control, but this is an extreme situation. Secondly, she should call 911 the next time he forces himself on her, so she has some paperwork to use in court. Thirdly, she should just leave. ASAP. One thing i've learned is that if you really want to leave, you will. 
Now, as far as him pulling a fast one on her, I don't believe that. I think she knew what she was doing. The kids I have are not from my husband, but that doesn't stop their dad from being able to have contact/rights for them....so she may be just telling you some crap.


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## samusk (Aug 8, 2007)

I have been talking with a few of her family members. While they still don't like her very much, they are willing (almost) to take her in for the moment. As a matter of fact, I talked to her father whom I rent our apartment from and it sounded like to me he wants her home. He asked me if he was thinking of having her stay at his house. While I don't control the decisions of other people, I think its a good idea. The man may come off as a mean person, but it is his daughter and he will fight to protect her. He agrees with me and her on the situation. While he said he won't talk to her just yet, I see it in his eyes. He slipped a few times when he asks about her. It's love in his eyes for his daughter. So in closing this moment. Things might be looking up for her situation unless of course her "husband" convinces her to live the ghetto life. As was stated by her father. She is a person who does not like to be told how to run her life. She tells me constantly she can't stand him anymore because he gives her no privacy or time to herself. I can't foresee the outcome of the end, but I pray every night that she makes the right decision. For herself, and for her only child. I am not going to matter at this point. I have my reasons for all of this, but I want her to have the same bond with her son she had almost two months ago. I pray that she is grown enough to ask for help and forgiveness, though she may not get forgiveness right away.

i thank all of you for the support you have given to me and most importantly, her. I tell her almost everyday what support she has from her family and friends as well as complete strangers here on this board. Even in the darkest times of life, the smallest bit of light shines the brightest. You are that light. Thanks be to you all who gave support. My thoughts and prayers go out to you all if something like this happens to you or has happened in the past. I have experienced something I want to put behind us and move on with our lives and wherever it takes us.


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## JustMe (Jul 30, 2007)

Hi Kris, I'm back home now and back to the internet..yay! How's it going??


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## samusk (Aug 8, 2007)

Just a little update on our situation. She seems confident once I move back into my apartment that things will begin to take shape. She told me she tried to leave one night after a fight but he locked the door before she could get to it. I'm going to buy her some pepper spray and give it to her. Mainly for protection but also if things get to hairy. We've established a meeting spot for just such an occaision and a place for her to stay temporarily so she can get her divorce/annullment. I know that he will try and come after her, so I will take steps to make sure he doesn't. I will issue a restraining order if necessary. I want her to be happy. She tells me constantly that she is not. One big part being they are in a sense poor. He has no job and no desire to get one. She has problems getting to a job without a car. I believe this will be beneficial for her to leave him. Not just for myself, but for her as well. I'm going slow with her as not to fall back into the same spot again. Her father is slowly starting to come around and I think he will eventually once he sees what she is trying to do.

I have the utmost confidence in her to make the wise choice. Once she is out even if she doesn't want to be together with me, I will still feel good about getting her away from that horrid lifestyle.


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## JustMe (Jul 30, 2007)

Kris, 
Please tell her that she definately has people thinking of her and praying for her here. I'm sure it sounds strange, but it's true. Maybe it will help her find some strength to do what she needs to in order to get her life back on track and to stay safe. She's very lucky to have you in whatever capacity that may be!


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

Well I am a bit confused on how the fellow marrying her would take your son away, unless *she *was scheming to do so. 

I think that looking in th phone book for a safe house would be in order. They are places where abused women go to stay for a bit. You can call social services to see if there are any where _she_ lives. That way there aren't the problems with her family and she will be totally responsible for leaving or staying.


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## tater03 (Jun 29, 2007)

I love the fact that you want to help her. But you have to remember that until she is ready to leave she will keep going back and forth. I hope that she finds the strentgh within herself to get out of this situation. I agree with the above poster has she checked about any abused women's shelters. They will at least be able to get her on her feet and provide her with some support and guidence.


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