# Infidelity Doesn't Just Hurt Spouses...



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

...it also lead to MAJOR issues in children, which can last well into adulthood. 

My father's discovered infidelity still affects me to this day. I can never forget that 3AM in November when my world shattered. The OW's husband called and it all came crashing down. 

I don't trust men. I am way too cynical and bitter about relationships. I always think the worst of men when other women talk about their long distance relationships. I am very surprised that I got married because I was deathly afraid of it for so long. My husband wishes that I could let my guard down more, but he is patient enough to understand why I cannot trust. I don't know if he will cheat, but if he did I certainly wouldn't be surprised. 

My mother thinks that my father cheated more than once. She once caught a terrible infection from my father and my mom was always faithful. When they were young, my father told my mom that he was having a drink with a friend. She called that friend and my dad was not with him. 

Although my father and I are best friends, the anger still lurks under the surface. He can't talk to me about morals in a relationship because I will throw the infidelity in his face. It's like a wounded lion inside me roaring. The tape of he and the OW talking, my mom's haggard face and the sorrow of that autumn all come flooding back. 

So when people cheat or participate in infidelity, remember the children you are damaging forever. No amount of therapy or happiness in my marriage will heal the damage my father left.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

That's the real sad part in all of this---a very good friend of mine is the attending ped., at 2 southern calif. hospitals, and she says kids as young as 2 yrs old, start picking up vibs, that there is something different/wrong going on.


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

jnj express said:


> That's the real sad part in all of this---a very good friend of mine is the attending ped., at 2 southern calif. hospitals, and she says kids as young as 2 yrs old, start picking up vibs, that there is something different/wrong going on.


I was three years old and my sister was four when we watched our father drive away with most of his junk. This was after our grandmother had taken us to the premier of a movie while the divorce was being finalized.
To this day, my sister can't watch a rerun of that damned show without crying.


----------



## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

You should see a counselor. Holding every man responsible for your father's behavior is unhealthy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

And this goes for both emotional and physical. With the emotional "all" you have is the arguing, the silence, the ignoring. The kids pick up on that very easily. And, if you are a good parent, you can SEE when your child is unhappy. I could. And I tried my best to reassure them that everything going on between mommy and daddy was NOT their fault.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

OMG this is so true. I'm dealing with the fallout now with my teenage daughter who discovered her father's affair while borrowing his computer. The level of anger is palpable. Thank goodness she's in a relationship with a very nice guy who is supportive of her and me, but I really worry about how this will impact her future relationships. It also doesn't help that the STBXH will not discuss this with her and left the state. I've suggested counseling for her but right now she's refusing. In her mind, her anger is justified and the wounds are too fresh.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Pluto2 said:


> OMG this is so true. I'm dealing with the fallout now with my teenage daughter who discovered her father's affair while borrowing his computer. The level of anger is palpable. Thank goodness she's in a relationship with a very nice guy who is supportive of her and me, but I really worry about how this will impact her future relationships. It also doesn't help that the STBXH will not discuss this with her and left the state. *I've suggested counseling for her but right now she's refusing. In her mind, her anger is justified and the wounds are too fresh.*


The important thing, right now, is that your daughter has you and an AWESOME boyfriend who shows how a man SHOULD be. You planted the seed regarding counseling. When she is ready, she will go. All you can do, at this point, is just be there for her. And that's just sick that she found out by using her father's computer. Yuck!


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Thanks Maricha for your support. I agree that its important for her to know its not okay to be treated badly, by her dad or anyone. And it was totally gross for her to find out that way. He is lazy and careless with everything, including his family.
I really wish people would read the board and appreciate the pain infidelity causes before they do it.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Pluto---you got that right

The cheater, just can't see past his/her selfish nose---

The betrayed will suffer, maybe get over it---the cheater---who even knows, what is in the cheaters head----BUT THE KIDS

Many are scarred for their ENTIRE LIFETIME


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Vanton68 said:


> You should see a counselor. Holding every man responsible for your father's behavior is unhealthy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is true.

Not all men are the same as well as not all women are the same.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Vanton68 said:


> You should see a counselor. Holding every man responsible for your father's behavior is unhealthy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have seen a therapist. 

Therapy is not some cure all like people think it is. You cannot erase trauma from someone's brain. 

I should also add that _every _man in my family, extended and immediate was a proud cheater. What you see is what you know.

My therapist says that cognitively, I know that not all men can be the same. It is just all the trauma speaking when I say that men cannot be trusted. 

I don't know if that makes sense. Hope it does.


----------



## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Yes, therapy can help, but it seldom cures things.


----------



## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

I wish alcoholics and drug users would consider their families, too.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> I have seen a therapist.
> 
> Therapy is not some cure all like people think it is. You cannot erase trauma from someone's brain.
> 
> ...


That made perfect sense. Its one thing to be able to intellectualize other people's behavior. But when you have those type of deep wounds your mind will try to protect you from further pain-in your case unfaithful men, Therapy can help you identify causes, and can, in some instances help you deal with those pains. But its no guarantee. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Thanks for understanding, Pluto. 

We all have to deal with issues in life. I just wish that I didn't have to see so much infidelity at a young age. 

I posted this so that any parent who thinks of cheating can see the problems it can cause for their kids. Spouses are not the only ones who suffer when their partners cheat.


----------



## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> Thanks for understanding, Pluto.
> 
> We all have to deal with issues in life. I just wish that I didn't have to see so much infidelity at a young age.
> 
> I posted this so that any parent who thinks of cheating can see the problems it can cause for their kids. Spouses are not the only ones who suffer when their partners cheat.


Cheaters do not give a rat's sas for their kids.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

No, because the affair fog muddles their thought processes.

The remorse only comes when the exposure happens. 

Most times, the cheaters are only sorry they got caught.


----------

