# Husband found men's clothes in our laundry



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Just wondering how other men would react to this.

My husband found men's clothes that weren't his in our laundry. I had not seen them before, and suggested perhaps they were our son's, since he visits us and sometimes changes his clothes.

They weren't our son's. My husband became very stressed, and said, "I find it very strange that there are men's clothes in a house full of women (our 3 daughters and I... he is gone a lot for work.) I want to know where they came from."

I felt accused, and I am not having an affair, and I began wondering of any men who had been at the house who changed their clothes for some reason. There had been no men at the house that I could remember, and the whole thing was beginning to seem very absurd, and I started smiling and laughing (not guffaw laughing, but just giggling.) My husband got more upset because he thought I was laughing at him.

He called a family meeting to try to find out the source of the pants. The girls felt uncomfortable and were all smiling nervously. Finally one remembered someone at church was missing clothes, but they couldn't remember when or who. Another daughter remembered that one boy had lost a bag of his clothes at the Valentine's dinner the youth put on for their parents. (He changed at the church into something else, and his original clothes disappeared.)

When we were leaving we just grabbed all the things the girls had brought, and someone must have grabbed his bag of clothes.

Once we knew where the clothes came from, my husband called the boy's dad and told him we had his clothes and we'd keep them in the car to give to him the next time we see him.

Later he apologized to me and said he was not accusing me, but he was wondering about the girls, even though he couldn't imagine they had done something either. Our girls are all very innocent with regards to boys. They have boy acquaintances and have had secret crushes on boys, but they haven't ever even kissed a boy, much less have one sneek into the house and leave his clothes behind.

He said that he felt like (as an alpha male, he wants to be) he had to get to the bottom of it.

Then he brought up a time when I went out for a drink with a girl friend when he and I were first married. He said I was "bar hopping" and he found it very uncomfortable. That was 25 years ago, and I don't remember going bar hopping or even to a bar with a girl friend. We did go for dinner, at a sports bar that served really good pizza and pasta once. That is the only time I went out with a girl friend at night. (She wanted to talk with me about something very personal....she had an abortion.)

My husband is the one who had an affair and I have been nothing but faithful. The only valid thing he can accuse me of is looking too long at a man who was filling up his nice car with gas a few years ago. I rarely look at guys, and I remember taking a second look at that guy mostly because my husband was upset at me for it and let me know when he got in the car. There were no thoughts in my head, except for "Nice car, nice looking guy." My husband accused me of wishing I could be with that guy since he was "successful" and my husband feels he is not.

Now I feel a knot in my gut. Should I?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Why you didn't do anything wrong. It's not uncommon for cheaters to think their spouse is cheating. There is nothing wrong with looking as long as you don't touch. Your husband obviously didn't learn that lesson.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Well that is a weird story but you didn't do anything wrong so no you shouldn't have a knot.

Don't be so sure about your girls though.

Another man's clothes showing up is extremely weird.

My wife and I live with our dog so I find another man's clothes and she better be doing our son's laundry!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Projection. I sure hope it isn't current but whenever H accused me of "having a bf" there was a gf.

Prayer helps. God knows one way or the other and has your back.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I'd be doing some checking on my husband were I in your shoes. Especially since he's a previous cheater.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You might not have acted the same way he did if the shoe was on the other foot but I am sure you would have questions for your husband if say a strange mini skirt showed up in the house.


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

Well I'd freak out if I found women's clothing that did not belong to me in our home. I am the only woman in our home. I'm not having an affair and have never been unfaithful, so my reaction would have nothing to do with that. But I'd be getting to the bottom of it, that's for sure.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

My cheater SIL found a panty liner in the washing machine and had a total freak out accusing my brother in law of cheating until he pointed out that her mother had been visiting the weekend before and washed her own clothes.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

richie33 said:


> You might not have acted the same way he did if the shoe was on the other foot but I am sure you would have questions for your husband if say a strange mini skirt showed up in the house.


Definitely!


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

He's not cheating, he feels very very badly about what he did, and about other things he has done as well. His self esteem is at an all time low right now. He called himself a "failure" yesterday. It made me sad. Acknowledging mistakes and bad choices is one thing, but calling yourself a failure, is another. I would prefer if he said, "I've made some very bad choices in the past and I am committed to learning from my mistakes so I never make the same ones again." Our counselor says he puts himself in the victim role so I will feel sorry for him. I do feel badly for him, and I wish he could see himself in more healthy ways.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Blonde said:


> Projection. I sure hope it isn't current but whenever H accused me of "having a bf" there was a gf.
> 
> Prayer helps. God knows one way or the other and has your back.


Hey Blonde long time no see. How are you these days?

Sorry for the hi-jack.

F.A.R. seems to me your husband is insecure. He may be worrying when the hammer is going to fall ie when are you going to have a RA.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Thound said:


> Hey Blonde long time no see. How are you these days?
> .


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Just wondering how other men would react to this.
> 
> My husband found men's clothes that weren't his in our laundry. I had not seen them before, and suggested perhaps they were our son's, since he visits us and sometimes changes his clothes.
> 
> ...


I would certainly want to know how they got there, but I wouldn't accuse her of cheating.

On the other hand, I haven't cheated on her either, so maybe that is the difference.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I wouldn't accuse my wife of cheating, but I would want to know where the pants came from. It is, after all, very unusual. Something happened for those pants to be there.

I can see how it might be seen as an accusation, but what other option is there for how to get to the bottom of it? He had to ask people.

I went through this with my wife when a lady's razor showed up in my car. Not mine, not my daughters'. I actually waited about a week before asking my wife about it, to consult with my IC and to ask my daughter if it was hers (or a friend of hers'). When I asked my wife she went a bit apesht that I was accusing her of cheating.

The only choice other than asking people about it is to stfu and never get a definitive answer. And that is no good either.

If you'd found a condom wrapper in the laundry, what would you have done? Remained silent? Or would you have asked the rest of your family about it?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

How did the clothes get from the bag into the laundry?


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

Is this where the phrase "It'll all come out in the wash" comes from?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Thor said:


> I wouldn't accuse my wife of cheating, but I would want to know where the pants came from. It is, after all, very unusual. Something happened for those pants to be there.
> 
> I can see how it might be seen as an accusation, but what other option is there for how to get to the bottom of it? He had to ask people.
> 
> ...


Like you said wouldn't do, he didn't accuse me. He was just adamant about finding out the story behind the pants.

I did remember the plumber had been at our house the month before, but I didn't remember him changing clothes, so I said nothing. Plus, I didn't want to sound like I was making excuses...plus....the plumber? That is just so....stupid!

If I found a condom in the laundry or anywhere in his car etc. I would probably faint from the anxiety, and then go ballistic. He handled the pants better than I would have handled something like that. However, the seed of doubt has been planted. I wish it weren't so. I wish I could go back in time and do things differently, like say, "No, you can't go work 4 hours from home." But here we are.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Thound said:


> F.A.R. seems to me your husband is insecure. He may be worrying when the hammer is going to fall ie when are you going to have a RA.


I think you are right about that. I have no interest in being unfaithful to him and to our children, and although he knows that, he still has his own insecurities. He told me after he apologized that he didn't think I would cheat because he knows that I can't compartmentalize...I'd eventually tell him what I had done. He is right. But the main reason I wouldn't cheat is because I don't want to be a harlot.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> How did the clothes get from the bag into the laundry?


No one knows. I didn't know we had the bag in the first place. My husband did the laundry this time.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> If I found a condom in the laundry or anywhere in his car etc. I would probably faint from the anxiety, and then go ballistic. He handled the pants better than I would have handled something like that. However, the seed of doubt has been planted. I wish it weren't so. I wish I could go back in time and do things differently, like say, "No, you can't go work 4 hours from home." But here we are.


Excepting your husband's history of infidelity, a condom would certainly be suspicious. And you'd be right to be worried.

I worked with a guy who was a practical joker but didn't know where the limits were. We were on a business trip with his boss's boss, a guy in his 50's at the time. My coworker put a condom wrapper in the boss' boss suit jacket pocket. The guy's wife found it when she was taking it to the dry cleaners.

The church kid's pants in your laundry is just as oddball as the condom wrapper in the jacket pocket. Naturally one would feel accused of being a cheater when asked about it, but when looked at from the other person's perspective there is no choice but to get an answer.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

My wife and I have been married for over 40 years in a monogamish marriage. I say monogamish because we know we are often controlled by our emotions. We will be attracted to others, sometimes to the point where nothing else matters, and you just have to have sex with them to quiet that devil in your head. We are realist and know that more than half of married people cheat. We allowed for this in our marriage. It helped that neither of us ever got jealous or felt insecure. If you get jealous over every little thing, it is a real problem. Whether your wife is cheating or not really does not matter as far as evoking jealousy in you. Your are going to feel jealous either way.

My wife often found a strange bra or panty in the laundry. However, it did not bother her because she knew who it belonged to. I will say no more about that because it is a long story. I guess my advice is to give each other some flexibility because if your wife is going to leave you or cheat, getting jealous is not going to change that. It might even end up in her doing what she is accused of since she is taking the heat for it anyway. Also consider that by making it taboo or naughty, the attraction to cheat is even greater than if they had permission to do so.

Examine why you get jealous. Jealousy springs from insecurity which is the loss of something. Do you fear losing your wife to someone better? If so, you will go nuts because there is always many who are better for her and you. Unfortunately suppres jealous but it tends to surface again. If I saw men's clothes that were not mine in the laundry, all that would happen is to give my wife a raise eyebrow and ask her if she had fun. Fortunately, my wife is only into girls for sex other than with me and even then, she only has sex with them if I am part of it. So we are monogamish. We allow for my wife's bisexuality and need for both a man and woman in her life an also for my occasional needs for sex with someone I am very drawn to. It is not very often though. Perhaps one fling every 8 years just to see if sex has changed over the years. Sometimes I found that it did. Anal sex became mainstream as did deepthroating. Women went from having pubic hair to being hairless. It was always fun and a good ego boost to know that others find you sexually desirable other than your spouse.

If you find yourself getting jealous too much, try to let your wife know why and ask her to try not to do things that trigger your jealous. Perhaps get allow each other to track each other using your smart phones. Knowing each others passwords to everything. Stuff like that or just accept that your wife is going to do as whe wants no matter if you get jealous or not. Jealousy only makes them get better at cheating. Good luck.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

You and your husband need to discuss this issue with your daughters.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

JohnA said:


> You and your husband need to discuss this issue with your daughters.


He apologized to them, in the case that they felt accused, because he wasn't accusing them either, he just wanted to know where the pants came from.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Back in the 80s when my marriage to ex-wife was new, about 4 years into it, I drove a pick up truck and we lived in a trailer court, right next to the laundry facility there.

One day, my very skinny wife found a pair of woman's jeans in the bed of my truck, a large size.

Instead of thinking that someone dumped them there from the laundry, her instinct? to accuse me of cheating on her in the truck with a very large woman.

No offense to very large women, but nothing was further from the truth!

I didn't know how the pants got there, but it seemed to me, it was an error of someone doing laundry in the trailer court. Maybe they put down their basket for a moment on my truck bed? Or they tired of the jeans and just pitched them?

It took my then wife a long time to come to her senses about the pants. I was not and never did cheat on her.

I think her extreme reaction was based on the fact that she was a cheater.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

I had a mysterious pair of grey basketball shorts show up in my drawer one day. Way bigger around the waist than any of my others.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Now I feel a knot in my gut. Should I?


The only knot you should have is a garlic knot 

Sounds like your H is projecting on you. Oh yeah, your H is a d$ck for cheating on you (side rant) :laugh:


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> your H *was* a d$ck for cheating on you (side rant) :laugh:


I fixed that for you.

Today I spoke with our daughters about the pants episode. They understand that Mr. IMFAR was within his rights to find out about the pants. 

Our DS20 was visiting last night when it happened. He told our oldest daughter, "Dad is just protecting his territory." Our son has been cheated on by more than one girl, and he has stopped dating for the time being, until he is older and can choose from more mature women who are not just out for a good time but who want to find a life partner.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Thor said:


> I worked with a guy who was a practical joker but didn't know where the limits were. We were on a business trip with his boss's boss, a guy in his 50's at the time. My coworker put a condom wrapper in the boss' boss suit jacket pocket. The guy's wife found it when she was taking it to the dry cleaners.


So, please tell the entire story!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> So, please tell the entire story!


Apparently the wife was rather upset, and my coworker had to go over and explain in person that he had put the condom wrapper in the pocket as a joke. From what I heard, she believed him. I hope so. 

The last I heard, the coworker still works there, almost 30 yrs later.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I know this sounds far fetched, but you might have a transient in the neighborhood using your washer/dryer while the house is unoccupied during the day. Or maybe a neighbor came over and used your stuff without asking...

Ever seen that YouTube video the guy took of a transient woman living in a hutch above his kitchen? Don't think weird sh!t like this doesn't happen. It does. 

Plant a motion-activated video camera near the laundry room. Whoever is the possessor of those clothes may come back for them.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I Don't Know said:


> I had a mysterious pair of grey basketball shorts show up in my drawer one day. Way bigger around the waist than any of my others.


?????????????????


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Imagine you had three sons, rather than daughters, who were 9, 11, and 13. And while doing laundry, you found a woman's clothes, that did not belong to you.

Even if your husband had never cheated, I would say you would be asking some of the same questions.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I guess a house full of females and strange pants in the laundry would put any husband/father on notice. 
I don't think he was overreacting either, so i would just let it go.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> ?????????????????


It was soon after we started started living together. I had 2 theories either they were from a previous BF and had been lost and just resurfaced, or they actually were mine, my mom would sometimes give me random clothes if she found them on clearance or something, and I had stuck them in a drawer and forgotten about them.

Still it was unsettling for a minute.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

aine said:


> I guess a house full of females and strange pants in the laundry would put any husband/father on notice.
> I don't think he was overreacting either, so i would just let it go.


I guarantee that if I found strange ladies clothes in the family laundry, I'd lose my sh!t, LOL!


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

My W has said to me on four occasions "I know you think I'm having an affair", and as it turns out,she was having an affair with a woman,or so it seems, I did not bring that subject up she did out of the blue go figure,


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Went to my IC today. He said that the healthy way to have dealt with the clothes would have been if Mr. IMFAR had:

1. Immediately known in his own head that I was not in the least involved with the mysterious clothes. Thought the best about me.
2. Spoken with me privately and told me that we need to watch the girls to see if something is going on.
3. Waited and watched until the truth about the pants and shirt came out.

When I realized that the clothes weren't my husband's or my son's, I was not worried at all about our girls. I knew that there was a reason they were there, and it was going to probably end up being funny.

I wonder if I would have thought the same thing had Mr. IMFAR never been unfaithful, and had it been a woman's dress instead...probably, because I trusted him 100%, and thought he was "teflon" with regard to infidelity.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

About a year ago my wife found a black lace thong in the clothes basket ready for washing. Her first reaction was to come to me and ask how it got there, and she wasn't nice about it. She ignored the fact that

-I work all day and she is home all day so there would be no way I could entertain someone at home.
-our 25-year old son lives with us and has been known to date girls.
-my wife will often wash another son's clothes (or he will come over and use the washer) and he has a girlfriend.
-the thong was not unlike some she wears.

But her first instinct was to look to me to explain how it got there.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> But her first instinct was to look to me to explain how it got there.


Yes, that's the point where I can't deal with IMFAR's husband's reaction. His first instinct was not to give her or the daughters any benefit of the doubt, but to get all stressed out and anxious and call a family meeting. 

He can talk all he wants about not accusing anyone of anything, but he sure was. Because he made a point of bringing up the ONE time IMFAR went out for a drink with a girlfriend 25 YEARS AGO, and in his mind, somehow, that was supposed to help IMFAR understand why he was so upset about the pants. Um, no, he's very transparent. 

He cheated, and so his first instinct is to assume his wife cheated or his girls are sl*tty sl*t sl*ttersons who boink their guys in the house, and then send those naked guys on their way but keep their clothes. I'm exaggerating, but that's what he was thinking to some degree, I have no doubt.

IMFAR, you have about a boatload more compassion and patience than I would have in your shoes.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You need to check every corner of your house....put out some cameras....I'm telling ya.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06X9qXTvKNQ


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I have found SO many womens clothes not belonging to me over the years it’s not even funny – including underwear and bras. BUT, I also find mens clothes around my house. I don’t think I could ever accuse my H of cheating because of this though. (Even though has had his years long EA).

We have a pool and we have people over and parties all the time. People change in my house constantly. Not to mention, my 14 year old daughter has friends over just about every weekend and they leave their stuff too. I currently have a clothing rack in my basement filled with “unidentified” clothing from last summer. 

I have a basket of unidentified sunglasses. 

I also inherited a crockpot and a large salad bowl 2 summers ago. Both of the friends that left them have been to my house more times than I can count since they left them and they’ve never reclaimed them.

I currently have a 15 year old girl (not my child) toothbrush sitting on my sink because she forgot it this weekend.

Strangest thing I ever had left at my house? A guitar. Which I woke up to sitting in my bathroom sink.

So yes, by all means get to the bottom of it. But man, your husband would have a hay day at my house!


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Now I feel a knot in my gut. Should I?


No... your husband sounds like a hypocrite and a real jerk. I'm sorry you decided to stay with him. 

Tell him to shut the hell up and be grateful you didn't dump his cheating ass to go bang the nice looking guy with the nice car.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> You need to check every corner of your house....put out some cameras....I'm telling ya.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06X9qXTvKNQ


Creepy! She even drank from his milk straight from the carton. I think that particular video is a fake, however. What guy would be keeping track of his food, accuse his GF of "sneaking" his food and then set up a camera to catch her in the act? If it is real, the girlfriend should dump the guy for being a petty cheapskate and weirdo!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Creepy! She even drank from his milk straight from the carton. I think that particular video is a fake, however. What guy would be keeping track of his food, accuse his GF of "sneaking" his food and then set up a camera to catch her in the act? If it is real, the girlfriend should dump the guy for being a petty cheapskate and weirdo!


From what I have gathered, the Japanese police arrested the woman and discovered she was a vagrant. I guess we would have to call the Tokyo police and ask them if it actually happened. 

But whether that actually happened or not, the truth is that there have been many homes in suburban America tha have been infiltrated by homeless people in order to steal food, bathe and yes...wash clothes. 

I grew up near the Mexican border and when I was a kid I remember my dad had a friend who lived about a mile from the border fence leave for a week or so to go on a fishing trip. When he got home he heard a commotion in the back of the house. He rushed in to see a family of UDAs running out the back sliding doors. They left behind backpacks and bags of clothes, diapers, food they had stolen from his cupboards...

...and this was back in the late 70s....

It still happens all the time. That's why I think you should consider a home security system. Someone could have come into your house, used your washer, crapped in your toilet, took a shower, and you would never know the difference.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

IMFAR glad to hear it sounds like the initial issue is resolving. 

The stories do crack me up. Several years ago my wife laid out on my side of the bed a sexy pair of black lace thong panties on my side of the bed. I was intrigued by the covert message and assumed I was going to have some fun that night. Wrong.

Our kids were in the 8-12 year old range and the panties did not belong to my wife. She was a pretty upset at my lack of ability to take the situation seriously. I knew that I had nothing to do with the sexies. 

After getting over the fact that there would be no play time that night and realizing I was now in negative territory I had a revelation. My nephew was staying with us for a few months while going to college. Aha! I asked him about the undies and he gave me a blank stare. Crap!

A short phone call to my sister resolved the issue. They were hers...

~ Passio


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Someone could have come into your house, used your washer, crapped in your toilet, took a shower, and you would never know the difference.


I'm all for home security systems! Ours wouldn't have caught anyone in this case, since we figured out whose clothes they were. One of us accidentally grabbed someone else's bag along with our own stuff when we were packing up to go home from a family event one night.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Good. That must be a relief.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> You need to check every corner of your house....put out some cameras....I'm telling ya.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06X9qXTvKNQ


It is a fake. Good fake, and creepy, though!

There?s someone living in his apartment, but he doesn?t know it


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## RayceCarrington (May 10, 2015)

ya ya men are horrible people, if a wife found women's clothes in the house she would divorce his ass before anyone had a chance to figure out where they came from


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

As a young man, I had a girlfriend explode when she found a long blonde hair in our bed. 

Two things stuck out, first, even young naive me suspected projection. Secondly, she had long blonde hair.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

well they were'nt my clothes!


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## woodyh (Oct 23, 2015)

We have a pool and our kids and friends swim here sometimes. We have found a pink lace thong (not sure who left that here), other panties, various towels and t shirts.
A nice two piece bikini etc.

What I was wondering is, when they got dressed and left, did they not put their underwear back on?


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Creepy! She even drank from his milk straight from the carton. I think that particular video is a fake, however.



That video is a known fake. "Snopes" is your friend, people!


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Went to my IC today. He said that the healthy way to have dealt with the clothes would have been if Mr. IMFAR had:
> 
> 1. Immediately known in his own head that I was not in the least involved with the mysterious clothes. Thought the best about me.
> 2. Spoken with me privately and told me that we need to watch the girls to see if something is going on.
> ...


I'm with your IC. This could have been handled much better by hubs and only makes it appear that he's canoodling with someone again. You are not the person with the cheating past, _*he*_ is.


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