# Re-connecting and Re-building my Marriage step by step.



## Lynn2437

I have a fairly long thread in the "Going through Seperation/Divorce" sub-forum for anyone needing background, too much to go through it all again but here it is in a nutshell.

My wife told me June 14th she wanted a D. ILYBINIL, I would be happier on my own, the whole nine. I spent 2 weeks pleading and all the rest, then the last 3-4 weeks 180 and moving on. I was within a week of getting my own apartment, already opened a new bank account, everything to move on and then she throws on the brakes. After 2 months of pure hell, on Aug. 17, she can't take it anymore, she loves me and wants me back because after those two months she cannot see her life without me as her husband. It was and to a certain extent still is one hell of a rollercoaster. She asked me to move back home and I have been there for the last two days. It has been two of the best days we have spent together in the last few years and scary as s*** at the same time. She says she is commited to making this work but says it will take time to break down her walls.

My question is to anyone who has successfully went through R with their spouse. 

It's pretty simple actually and I guess I should know the answer to it but I would like to hear your guys stories and what you went through to do this and do it right. 

What do you suggest? 

What did you avoid? 

How did you feel going through it? 

My emotions are running wild, even though I feel like I should be the happiest person on the planet right now. My walls are built, my trust destroyed and my love for my W stronger than ever. :scratchhead:


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## This is me

I did not read your back story, so not certain what damage occured , as in another person.

My wife gave me the D in Feb 11 and it was the classic walk away wife syndrome that shocked me to the core. Blindsided, pleaded, begged and then like you I 180 which changed things. She then seperated several months later for 4 months. Painfilled months. As I moved to see a lawyer, set up a new bank account etc, she reversed herself like yours.

In the end I concluded it was all a Mid Life Crisis. She hit the fog and had to blame someone for her unhappiness and who gives you the most memories to tap from and easy to blame? The spouse!

When I look at it as an illness, mental illness, I can only conclude that I should treat it like a physical illness and accept the fact she could not control it all. She woke from the fog and we both learned how to be better from it. Pain to gain.

I do recommend IC, MC, Marriage workshops to help you both better understand and sharpen your relationship.

I wish you well.


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## Lynn2437

This is me said:


> I did not read your back story, so not certain what damage occured , as in another person.
> 
> My wife gave me the D in Feb 11 and it was the classic walk away wife syndrome that shocked me to the core. Blindsided, pleaded, begged and then like you I 180 which changed things. She then seperated several months later for 4 months. Painfilled months. As I moved to see a lawyer, set up a new bank account etc, she reversed herself like yours.
> 
> In the end I concluded it was all a Mid Life Crisis. She hit the fog and had to blame someone for her unhappiness and who gives you the most memories to tap from and easy to blame? The spouse!
> 
> When I look at it as an illness, mental illness, I can only conclude that I should treat it like a physical illness and accept the fact she could not control it all. She woke from the fog and we both learned how to be better from it. Pain to gain.
> 
> I do recommend IC, MC, Marriage workshops to help you both better understand and sharpen your relationship.
> 
> I wish you well.


TIM, I have read every thread you have posted in the last few months that I have been on TAM looking for answers and I can really relate to your situation, there are some similarities. 

IC for me has been ongoing and MC will possibly start today if the W can get away from work to come, well I asked if she would go to my scheduled IC. We are going to a marriage retreat this weekend, at her suggestion, before she asked me home. Everything from her recently has been positive, I'm just cautious because there was alot I did to her and her walls are up but she is coming out of the fog and she tells me what she wants is me.

No other person, if there is, she is good at hiding it. She is at home with the kids or at work for the most part and has been completely transparent with me on what she does because I think she feels like she wants to re-assure me that isn't the reason. And for reasons I will not get into on here, yesterday I pretty much confirmed that there hasn't been at least PA. She has also left any and all accounts open for looking into. Phone not locked or guarded.

Yet the rollercoaster continues, I guess I don't trust that she won't do it again, it will with time and patience on both our parts to get through this phase I guess.

I think it was/is like you said, a MLC or WAW situation, thanks for commenting.


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## This is me

You can never know if it will happen again. That is true though for any marriage, although the odds must be greater with ours. All we can do is be the best we can be and they should follow-suit.

Mine has gotten warmer and warmer each week and month. I don't think either of us wants to go through it again.


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## Lynn2437

This is me said:


> You can never know if it will happen again. That is true though for any marriage, although the odds must be greater with ours. All we can do is be the best we can be and they should follow-suit.
> 
> Mine has gotten warmer and warmer each week and month. I don't think either of us wants to go through it again.


All true, and since Friday the days have been better and better. It's the little things, the smiles, the way she, for once, holds me in the bed. The way she talks and jokes. I know it is getting better. I am still fearful but that may keep me focused and her as well.


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## BeYou

TIM and Lynn...I've read both of your threads and very happy for both of you!

I'm hoping I can come here one day and post my own success story and make your duo of success become a trio of success.

Congrats guys!


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## Lynn2437

BeYou said:


> TIM and Lynn...I've read both of your threads and very happy for both of you!
> 
> I'm hoping I can come here one day and post my own success story and make your duo of success become a trio of success.
> 
> Congrats guys!


Thanks, I hope everything would work out for everybody on these threads. You never know what can happen. 2 weeks ago I was divorced in my heart and looking at a different life. My journey is far from over but I hope it does have a happy ending. Good luck to you.


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## This is me

BeYou said:


> TIM and Lynn...I've read both of your threads and very happy for both of you!
> 
> I'm hoping I can come here one day and post my own success story and make your duo of success become a trio of success.
> 
> Congrats guys!


I look forward to read your success story!!!


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## Lynn2437

Wrote this for my W, I may give it to her one day. Thoughts?



_During this journey we are on I have to try to do things in order to express where I am at and also try to understand where you are at. I need to see it in black and white and not as a confusing jumble in my head. I find it therapeutic to write this and hopefully things like this can help you understand where I am coming from.
How could I make you happy when I was so absorbed in trying to have complete control over everything? I couldn’t, I never could but blindly pursued it. It was a path I took that was bound to fail no matter how blind I was to see it. My idea to control you just pushed you away. If someone tried to do that to me, I would be like “f*** you, I’ll do what I want”, so why couldn’t I see that and how could I get angry when you shut me down? That made me angry because I felt like I was losing control over something I thought I should have control over but I now realize no matter what I thought I never had control, I was just ruining my marriage. It made me resentful, angry, bitter, and mean. I was not a nice person to be around was I? I wasn’t happy, so how could I expect to make you happy? I wouldn’t have wanted to be around me either. I tried to change you into something you are not and who am I to do that? It wasn’t fair and I can’t take it back no matter how bad I want or how hard I try. I realize I can’t change or control anyone; it is the most important thing I have learned so far. I don’t feel the need to be that way anymore and it is a rewarding feeling to have these emotions somewhat purged from me, I am not there yet and I need your help with it, if you would help me. My regret is this didn’t happen years ago. I put another human being through pain because of my own selfishness. I will carry that forever and for better or worse I will not forget it. You have taught me things that I could have never learned on my own and I thank you for that. I am just so sorry it had to come at the expense of your unhappiness.
You on the other hand, what did you do? You loved me. You did things for me that I would not have done for you in my fog of wanting control. Maybe I felt as if it were beneath me. You did all the things you should have done to save this marriage. I didn’t see any of it. I see it now. I will be the husband you want, not because you need to change me into the person you want but because I want to change into the person I think you deserve. I don’t look at it as change as much as I look at it as growth. That is love, doing for others to make them happy but because it makes you happy. If I can make you happy and be happy for it, we will be together forever. I am on that journey for us both. It will take time.
I look at you now and see the most beautiful person in the world because I have fallen in love with you again. When we were first together, it was love because it was new and exciting. It is love now because I am awake and I see you as you are, I see your beauty and your flaws and I love you for it all, I see how wonderful a person you are and how lucky I am to have you. Your smile melts my heart. Your personality is infectious; I see it in the people who love you for you. You are a beautiful person, inside and out and I now see it because I now see you as you have always been. If I lose you I will never forgive myself for it.
There is a Native American saying to express the love they have for one another. “You walk in my soul”, T, you walk in mine and always will.
I will always love you, I have experienced too much of this life with you to ever forget that love. I hope in time, yours returns for me and we live our lives for and through each other. You are my best friend._


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## BeYou

Fantastic words and expression of love Lynn.

As for giving it to her, I would wait until you are 100% comfortable that the reconciliation is permanent. I think actions still probably speak louder than any letter right now, and you don't want her to get scared by the pressure of this note if she is still wavering at all.

But you know your situation better than anyone, so if and when it feels right, go for it!

So happy for you!


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## Lynn2437

BeYou said:


> Fantastic words and expression of love Lynn.
> 
> As for giving it to her, I would wait until you are 100% comfortable that the reconciliation is permanent. I think actions still probably speak louder than any letter right now, and you don't want her to get scared by the pressure of this note if she is still wavering at all.
> 
> But you know your situation better than anyone, so if and when it feels right, go for it!
> 
> So happy for you!


I will be waiting, I will know when the time is right. Actions are my friend right now and I know that too. It is almost as much for me as it is for her. I need this kind of stuff to keep some focus. My counselor thought it was great and told I have come along way. She thinks writing this stuff and keeping it is a good idea. W will be home in a few, looking forward to seeing her.


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## Lynn2437

Pretty much been ignored all day and night, chock this one up as a loss and look forward to tommorow. Sad when on friday she came to me crying saying I am all she ever wanted, to come home and we will do whatever it takes to make it work. And the rollercoaster continues.


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## BeYou

Lynn2437 said:


> Pretty much been ignored all day and night, chock this one up as a loss and look forward to tommorow. Sad when on friday she came to me crying saying I am all she ever wanted, to come home and we will do whatever it takes to make it work. And the rollercoaster continues.


Why do you figure she went silent on you today? Did you ask her?


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## Lynn2437

BeYou said:


> Why do you figure she went silent on you today? Did you ask her?


I did, in a round about way. She came home a little after me because she went and worked out. Then she had to get on her work laptop to get some stuff done. It wasn't a comfortable situation for either of us for whatever reason, I know we will have days like this. Well, after the kids were fed and almost no contact between us, I had a shot of rum to relax a bit. Then I had another and another. I decided to leave her alone while she worked and went downsatirs to watch TV with the girls. She came down after her shower and we watched TV until the girls went to bed. Then she came to me and gave me a hug and smelled the rum and asked if I had been drinking. Then she asked why. I told her I felt ignored so I was gonna give her some space and watch TV downstairs. She said the only thing she was looking forward to all day was coming home to me and curling after the girls were in bed and in the bed afterwards. Now I feel like an idiot.

I tell her about my trust issues and my fear of being abandoned again. She re-assured me that wasn't gonna happen and she made her choice and would stick by it. I got so frustrated at one point I punched the fridge. She lost it and told me she wasn't gonna watch me do to myself what her mother did. I thought at that moment that my marriage was over for good but she just asked me to get rid of it and we poured out all the liquor down the sink and I promised to stop drinking. I told her it wasn't out of anger but out of frustration. I wasn't mad about anything, I just can't figure out what is going to happen and it is killing me. I ended up giving her the letter I wrote yesterday and it made her cry. She said it was the most beautiful thing that I have ever wrote her. She said she can sympathize with me and feels bad I am going through this. She asked me to go to bed, told me she loved me and held me until I went to sleep.

This morning I apologized for my behavoir but not how I felt and asked if this set us back, she said no and I gave her a kiss and a hug before I left. I called her later and told her that it was a new day, a new opportunity for us, that I loved her and I hoped she has a good day. Then I sent her a text with a picture of her favorite flowers, told her that I can't bring her the flowers she deserves but was sending the pic to hopefully make her smile and told her that I know it is hard on both of us but that I had one of the best weekends together and that even though last night was bad, we were commited and it would get better.

She knows it will be rough at times but will get better day by day. I just have to purge these emotions and realize that everything that my wife has done and said in the last 10 days or so have been positive. She wants me as her husband. I just have to be her husband and let these fears subside so we can grow together again.


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## BeYou

Shooting rum and punching things is pretty dangerous any time, but especially at this time. Especially over something so small as her just not being as "open" as you wanted her to be for one day.

You need to get control of that, especially if alcohol has been an issue in the past. Things are still much to fragile right now to be showing this instability.

I hope you get it under control! Good news that the letter hit home!


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## Lynn2437

BeYou said:


> Shooting rum and punching things is pretty dangerous any time, but especially at this time. Especially over something so small as her just not being as "open" as you wanted her to be for one day.
> 
> You need to get control of that, especially if alcohol has been an issue in the past. Things are still much to fragile right now to be showing this instability.
> 
> I hope you get it under control! Good news that the letter hit home!


Alcohol has never been an issue at all for either of us, I rarely drink at all and even when I do it is in a social setting or having a beer or two with the wife. This situation has made me want to though and that is not good, not good at all. I made a promise to my W to not drink anymore and that means I will and she knows it. She knows I am firm in my convictions. Thank you sincerely for your concern on this.

Last night in a weird way was positive though, I could tell after I said what I needed to say. She has in way gotten closer. I think expressing my fears the way I did helped her understand a little more about what I am going through. It gives her an idea on how to proceed and act.


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## Conrad

Lynn2437 said:


> Well, after the kids were fed and almost no contact between us, I had a shot of rum to relax a bit. Then I had another and another.


Numbing yourself because of what she is (or is not) doing is a classic sign of codependence. Tell your counselor about this.

(Before you ask, I've done the same thing many times)



Lynn2437 said:


> I tell her about my trust issues and my fear of being abandoned again. She re-assured me that wasn't gonna happen and she made her choice and would stick by it. I got so frustrated at one point I punched the fridge. She lost it and told me she wasn't gonna watch me do to myself what her mother did.


She's 100% right.

There is no reason for that.

Punching things, acting out.... bad bad stuff.



Lynn2437 said:


> I thought at that moment that my marriage was over for good but she just asked me to get rid of it and we poured out all the liquor down the sink and I promised to stop drinking. I told her it wasn't out of anger but out of frustration. I wasn't mad about anything, I just can't figure out what is going to happen and it is killing me.


Better. But, you realize you risked the entire thing with stupidity.



Lynn2437 said:


> I ended up giving her the letter I wrote yesterday and it made her cry. She said it was the most beautiful thing that I have ever wrote her. She said she can sympathize with me and feels bad I am going through this. She asked me to go to bed, told me she loved me and held me until I went to sleep.


This is a nice ending, but way too much drama.



Lynn2437 said:


> This morning I apologized for my behavoir but not how I felt and asked if this set us back,


This is neediness talking.



Lynn2437 said:


> she said no and I gave her a kiss and a hug before I left. I called her later and told her that it was a new day, a new opportunity for us, that I loved her and I hoped she has a good day. Then I sent her a text with a picture of her favorite flowers, told her that I can't bring her the flowers she deserves but was sending the pic to hopefully make her smile and told her that I know it is hard on both of us but that I had one of the best weekends together and that even though last night was bad, we were commited and it would get better.


ALL of this was completely avoidable.

ALL of this comes from you taking the burden of this totally on yourself - numbing it with booze - lashing out at the fridge in anger and resentment over what happened.... then moving to rescuer mode to apologize and ask needy questions.

This wasn't the guy she fell in love with.

And, you know this.

He was tough, cool, and strong.

Read about the Victim Triangle again - and stay out of it.


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## Lynn2437

Conrad said:


> Numbing yourself because of what she is (or is not) doing is a classic sign of codependence. Tell your counselor about this.
> 
> (Before you ask, I've done the same thing many times)
> 
> 
> 
> She's 100% right.
> 
> There is no reason for that.
> 
> Punching things, acting out.... bad bad stuff.
> 
> 
> 
> Better. But, you realize you risked the entire thing with stupidity.
> 
> 
> 
> This is a nice ending, but way too much drama.
> 
> 
> 
> This is neediness talking.
> 
> 
> 
> ALL of this was completely avoidable.
> 
> ALL of this comes from you taking the burden of this totally on yourself - numbing it with booze - lashing out at the fridge in anger and resentment over what happened.... then moving to rescuer mode to apologize and ask needy questions.
> 
> This wasn't the guy she fell in love with.
> 
> And, you know this.
> 
> He was tough, cool, and strong.
> 
> Read about the Victim Triangle again - and stay out of it.


I agree on it all. I knew I was gonna get beat up here but I needed to so I can focus. Bad night, getting back on track now.


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## Conrad

Lynn2437 said:


> I agree on it all. I knew I was gonna get beat up here but I needed to so I can focus. Bad night, getting back on track now.


Tell your therapist about the entire thing.

She won't put up with that for long.

She shouldn't have to.


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## Lynn2437

Conrad said:


> Tell your therapist about the entire thing.
> 
> She won't put up with that for long.
> 
> She shouldn't have to.


I tell her everything, I feel if I leave anything out because it is embarassing or that I feel she doesn't need to know that I won't receive from her what she could fully give me. We will talk about it in a couple of days.


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## BeYou

I was trying to be very displomatic in my post Lynn, but I agree with Conrad that you could have thrown everything away with those outbursts of drinking and violence. You're very lucky that she has seemingly let it slide for now.

But best believe that she is not forgetting, and she is going to be watching you like a hawk to see any small actions that might reflect a repeat performance of that behaviour.

And now that you've made a PROMISE...you best keep it, or you'll show her that you haven't changed a bit.

If you feel those frustrations again, go outside and have a walk, then come back here and talk to us. Do NOT perform any deconstructive behaviour. This is the worst possible time for that.

Stay strong bud!


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## Conrad

Both of you:

An Overview of the Drama Triangle


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## Lynn2437

BeYou said:


> I was trying to be very displomatic in my post Lynn, but I agree with Conrad that you could have thrown everything away with those outbursts of drinking and violence. You're very lucky that she has seemingly let it slide for now.
> 
> But best believe that she is not forgetting, and she is going to be watching you like a hawk to see any small actions that might reflect a repeat performance of that behaviour.
> 
> And now that you've made a PROMISE...you best keep it, or you'll show her that you haven't changed a bit.
> 
> If you feel those frustrations again, go outside and have a walk, then come back here and talk to us. Do NOT perform any deconstructive behaviour. This is the worst possible time for that.
> 
> Stay strong bud!


I am lucky she reacted the way she did. She may not let it slide but I cannot do anything about it but remember that it is not something I want to repeat and just keep moving forward. I'll get a better idea tonight about how she felt about it.


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## Lynn2437

Conrad said:


> Both of you:
> 
> An Overview of the Drama Triangle


Government computer denied access to the site, will have to look at it at home. Got any other links?


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## Conrad

Lynn2437 said:


> Government computer denied access to the site, will have to look at it at home. Got any other links?


Check your PM's


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## Lynn2437

Conrad said:


> Check your PM's


 Got it on my phone and I'm reading right now.


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## Conrad

Lynn2437 said:


> Got it on my phone and I'm reading right now.


Should keep you busy this afternoon.


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## Lynn2437

Conrad said:


> Should keep you busy this afternoon.


It should, luckily my job is knowledge based and not performance based, so unless I'm needed I just sit. Wife just called and asked if she could come over and eat lunch with me , I'll talk with you guys later. I'm in the perfect mood for this too!


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## Lynn2437

Lunch went really good, that was perfect timing for her to want to see me because of my mood right now. She is really stressed at work and wanted to get away, so she came to see me. She started tearing up about her workload with her new boss and how overwhelming it seems and I re-directed into other things to get her mind off of it and on to other things that don't stress her out. It felt good to get her from one place to another pretty quick. I realize I was always able to do that for her and she always relied on me for it. Something that always bonded us but I guess would be co-dependant behavoir, crap.

The funny and confident me was in full force. She couldn't stop smiling by the end.

Talked about the marriage retreat, her upcoming promotion and just some normal BS. It was great and no mention of last night.


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## Lynn2437

Conrad said:


> Both of you:
> 
> An Overview of the Drama Triangle


Conrad, absolutely amazing how this works. I never would have seen myself in any of the roles but as SGP but now I see interactions that placed me in all three. I will be reading this quite a bit more.

The most frustrating part about it all is feeling like I have to be a physcology major to not only understand it all but also the practical application of it. I mean, codependancey, the drama triangle and all the subconscience behavoirs and how we let them dictate our lives is just overwhelming. I understand that these are gonna have to be the things I need to learn and understand for myself now. Hopefully I can get a good grasp on these concepts and use them on my marriage. Man, I have alot of work to do. Problem is I don't know where to start. I guess going to IC has allowed me an opportunity to start to see these behavoirs and work on them, so I guess my question to myself was rhethorical.


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## Wantherback

Lynn,

Happy for you man ..

what do you think is making the difference for you .. I have read your other posts and Am in a similar boat and want to learn from you what the catalysts were ..


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## BeYou

Lynn2437 said:


> Conrad, absolutely amazing how this works. I never would have seen myself in any of the roles but as SGP but now I see interactions that placed me in all three. I will be reading this quite a bit more.
> 
> The most frustrating part about it all is feeling like I have to be a physcology major to not only understand it all but also the practical application of it. I mean, codependancey, the drama triangle and all the subconscience behavoirs and how we let them dictate our lives is just overwhelming. I understand that these are gonna have to be the things I need to learn and understand for myself now. Hopefully I can get a good grasp on these concepts and use them on my marriage. Man, I have alot of work to do. Problem is I don't know where to start. I guess going to IC has allowed me an opportunity to start to see these behavoirs and work on them, so I guess my question to myself was rhethorical.


I hear you Lynn. I'm thinking the same thing. All of these reads are eye opening, but it is a bit intimidating. However, I'm not sure the intent is to become a professor of these and let it completely dictate your life, but instead to just be familiar with them to catch yourself when you mimick the unhealthy behaviours.


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## Lynn2437

Wantherback said:


> Lynn,
> 
> Happy for you man ..
> 
> what do you think is making the difference for you .. I have read your other posts and Am in a similar boat and want to learn from you what the catalysts were ..


Honestly I think it was the 180. I faked it for awhile, I have to be truthful. But the old saying "fake it till you make it" worked for me to a certain degree. It hit a point about three weeks ago that even though I cared, I knew in my heart we were going to get a divorce and that helped me move on. I am still moving on but towards a better me first and hopefully in turn to be a better husband down the road.

As the bonus I got lucky and wife says me detaching and moving on, even though she knew through my words and actions that I still wanted my marriage, was what it took for her to realize what she wanted and that was me and whatever we needed to do to have a brand new marriage. I had to get my own bank acct. and apartment so I could provide a stable environment for my children, another action of moving on that she saw but I needed to make for myself and not her. She sees a different me, even though I can still only glimpse that person.

She said that when I walked in the house and told her what I wanted that saturday night was a turning point, I didn't ask her why. It has all be positive since then. That night I was alpha but not in a ****y way. 

I am not even close to being the person I need to be for myself, so I don't think I can give any advice, only a story. I hope it helps. I will say that the 180 is the best first step you can make and it will work in one way or another if you stick with it. Read everything you can. With Conrad and others help I literally have thousands of pages of stuff to read and implement, luckily I love to read. Work on yourself, realize your flaws and maybe she will too.

You just never know, I have know idea what will happen with my marriage and to a certain degree I will be fine with that someday. My wife just might be the kind of person who just couldn't live without me, change or not. Everybody is different. I am on TAM now looking for direction, not similarities or quick fixes. Regardless of my wifes intentions for wanting to work it out, her choices woke me up and made me realize I have alot of work to do on myself.

Well, I guess I can give some advice without knowing your story and it is still something I am working on. NO DRAMA. I engaged in all kinds of emotional temp. checks and it only set me back, which in turn set us back. 

Good Luck


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## Lynn2437

BeYou said:


> I hear you Lynn. I'm thinking the same thing. All of these reads are eye opening, but it is a bit intimidating. However, I'm not sure the intent is to become a professor of these and let it completely dictate your life, but instead to just be familiar with them to catch yourself when you mimick the unhealthy behaviours.


I agree totally, first read was intimidating, thats why I made that comment. But I will be reading this and other things over and over until I get a grasp on how to tailor it to my life, not understand it all perfectly. I will get there but man is it alot to take in! 

I see all of these things in my marriage to a certain extent, now I have to figure out how to deal with them effectively and use them to my advantage and then asking my wife on board. 

My first train of thought after D-day was change to what she wants and learn how to get along. Man was I fooling myself.


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## Conrad

BeYou said:


> I hear you Lynn. I'm thinking the same thing. All of these reads are eye opening, but it is a bit intimidating. However, I'm not sure the intent is to become a professor of these and let it completely dictate your life, but instead to just be familiar with them to catch yourself when you mimick the unhealthy behaviours.


Guys, this is really easy to understand.

What man here WOULD NOT THINK that a guy busting his ass every day to let a woman stay home and raise kids wouldn't be EXACTLY the thing we would want done IF we were women?

Guess what? We're not women. And, the more I learn, the more I realize I could never be one.

Once you figure out that much of human behavior (including attraction and - to a degree - happiness) goes on at a subconscious level, then you can FIGURE YOURSELF OUT.

Once you do that, then you are able to send the message you wish to send, without stepping all over your own diick.


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## Lynn2437

Life is good, I have my wife back, or at least the person that used to be my old wife. Today I see a different person, a happier person and she sees a better me. We are better individuals and hopefully on our way to a better relationship with each other. But we still have work to do and emotions to purge. She is showing me signs everyday of wanting to reconnect and rebuild a little at a time. The way she holds me at night makes my day. I make my moves to show her what I want and she makes hers.

I am as impatient of a person as you can be I guess. I want everything to fall right back into place but I know it can't happen that way. This will be another thing I will learn more of during this process of being a better me, patience. I thought my children taught me patience, I was wrong.

She is content with rug-sweeping right now but knows that my conditions to come home were counseling and a lot of reading. We will attack that soon. Actually, we will start with our 3 day marriage retreat this weekend! Excited about that. I was nervous about it until she came to me crying for me to come home, now I think it will be fun and another chance to build and grow closer. Even with all of that we have to know that we want to commit to each other. So for now, just living life and being together when we can, no matter how little time we might have at the end of a long day is enough for us both. She sees me, the real me, again. And I see that funny/outgoing girl I fell for years ago. I have the confidence to make her laugh and compliment her again and the best part is it's because I want to and not because I feel obligated to. 

This is gonna be a long process and for today at least I am content to enjoy the small things we share and look forward to rolling up our sleaves and getting the dirty work done to make it a commitment for life. 

Lynn


----------



## BeYou

Good to hear Lynn. Patience is a tough thing to master. I'm not a very patient person either. I keep having to pep talk myself and remind myself that it's not all going to come together in one day. Watch for and celebrate the small positives, and try not to let the negatives throw you off.

Glad to hear things are improving!


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## Wantherback

Lynn,

Good progress my friend ... some day later you will think about this and feel good .. so I hope for you ..

You can coach me on something here. When there was an initial outburst and then she left .. what brought her again to talk to you .. because I started on 180, I cannot initiate the topic .. but I want to talk about our relationship .. Is 180/patience the only answer or how can I make it easy for her to talk to me about it...


----------



## Lynn2437

Wantherback said:


> Lynn,
> 
> Good progress my friend ... some day later you will think about this and feel good .. so I hope for you ..
> 
> You can coach me on something here. When there was an initial outburst and then she left .. what brought her again to talk to you .. because I started on 180, I cannot initiate the topic .. but I want to talk about our relationship .. Is 180/patience the only answer or how can I make it easy for her to talk to me about it...


You just have to leave her alone, if she wants to talk, she will. I am not the person to ask about this. I couldn't control my emotions and my impatience was my enemy. "Negotiating" your relationship will not work. I did alot of things wrong the last two months and alot of things right. One of the things I did right was detach, 180, limit contact and as hard as it was I had to move on. I faked it for awhile and then eventually it became a reality. 

Luckily for me, my wife told me she saw me moving on and it woke her up. She started weighing her options and decided she wanted me and our life together. I have only been home 4 days, I still have my doubts but this has and will make me a better person.


----------



## Lynn2437

Horrible day yesterday, although not related to the W and I. Work beat me up pretty bad and the W could tell as much on the phone and said that we would just relax all night. We did and it was great, she pulled down me on the loveseat when we got home to hold me and then we ended up laying down on the couch all night watching TV. I think she enjoyed it as much as me, I played with her hair and rubbed her back and she tucked in close and held my hand.

No talk of "us" and a really good night overall to offset the bad day. Ended up making out a bit when we went to bed, really sweet and gentle. She said she wasn't "ready" and I told her I was fine not doing anything on Sunday either. She said thank you for respecting me. Woke up in a fantastic mood. She leaned in for the now daily goodbye hug and kiss for the first time and on her way out said, Love you guys. I said, Love you T and she replied looking me in the eyes, Love you Lynn. She also called a few minutes later to wish me a better day at work. I don't care how bad work could be today, the memory of last night and this morning will put a smile on my face the rest of the day.

Now I am really looking forward to the weekend retreat.

Lynn


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## BeYou

I'm so envious of you Lynn. I would do anything to spend that kind of night with my wife.

Congrats on getting to the big ILY step!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lynn2437

BeYou said:


> I'm so envious of you Lynn. I would do anything to spend that kind of night with my wife.
> 
> Congrats on getting to the big ILY step!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She never really got away from that when we were seperated. She knew she would always love me but she just forgot why. Now that I am showing her why, she is opening up more and I am breaking down walls. Slowly but surely.

There was a time when I said to myself, I will never sleep in that bed again or I will never make love to my wife again. I am there now but if you would have asked me weeks ago, I would have said no, it will never happen again. You never know. I still don't know what the future will bring.


----------



## Conrad

Face the future UNAFRAID.

You have nothing to fear.

Including your own insecurities.


----------



## Lynn2437

Conrad said:


> Face the future UNAFRAID.
> 
> You have nothing to fear.
> 
> Including your own insecurities.


It is funny how I always thought of myself a certain way. I am who who I am, I will not get any better, I will not get any worse. My W actually gave me the gift of looking inwards to figure out just who in the hell I am. If not for her wanting to leave our life in the dust, I would have never started to change. 

I would have never acknowledged it in the past but I can identify alot of faults that I have. I was too stubborn, arrogant, prideful to admit those to anyone, even to myself.


----------



## Conrad

Lynn2437 said:


> It is funny how I always thought of myself a certain way. I am who who I am, I will not get any better, I will not get any worse. My W actually gave me the gift of looking inwards to figure out just who in the hell I am. If not for her wanting to leave our life in the dust, I would have never started to change.


Suffering is what brings wisdom.

There is no shortcut.

We're the lucky ones.

How's that for perspective?


----------



## BeYou

Lynn2437 said:


> It is funny how I always thought of myself a certain way. I am who who I am, I will not get any better, I will not get any worse. My W actually gave me the gift of looking inwards to figure out just who in the hell I am. If not for her wanting to leave our life in the dust, I would have never started to change.
> 
> I would have never acknowledged it in the past but I can identify alot of faults that I have. I was too stubborn, arrogant, prideful to admit those to anyone, even to myself.


This x100.

My last separation with my wife brought this on me. I had a breakdown and really did a self analysis and discovered all my faults. Not only with my wife, but with my son and other relationships. I vowed to make changes. It was invigorating and scary at the same time. Who had I become? Everything becamse so much clearer. Things people, such as my wife, told me during the relationship that I didn't understand suddenly became so clear.

When we got back together, I slipped a few times on some things, but others were changed for good.

So it's hard this time to have that revelation again because I had it. I know my faults and rights and wrongs already. This time around, it's about making sure the changes are permanent for ALL of them, not just some. It's realizing you can neglect relationships you cherish, for selfish goals. It's making sure any decision I make is thoroughly thought out before I jump in.

I repeated some mistakes. Gotta make sure I don't do it again.


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## Conrad

BeYou,

You're not going to "perfect" your way to a good relationship.

It simply cannot all be on you.


----------



## Lynn2437

Conrad said:


> Suffering is what brings wisdom.
> 
> There is no shortcut.
> 
> We're the lucky ones.
> 
> How's that for perspective?




Laughed out loud on that one because of how simple but true it is. 

Perception is reality and it is always changing.


----------



## BeYou

Conrad said:


> BeYou,
> 
> You're not going to "perfect" your way to a good relationship.
> 
> It simply cannot all be on you.


No I agree completely. I'm just saying that I came out of the last separation a better person overall. A better father, a better husband (although lost sight of some of those changes by immersing myself in other things again).

I needed to "snap out" of the rut I was in before we split the last time. The separation and end of the marriage was enough to snap me out of it...mostly.


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## Lynn2437

I kind of broke down last night and gave the W a little insight on my fears going forward. Call me impatient, I am. I told her things I haven't really hit on because I feel like I'm walking a fine line here.

I told her I needed her to talk to me more than she has and I think she is putting off talking about what we need to do to have a beautiful marriage.

She agreed with me and told me that the last week was going so good she didn't want to mess with a good thing. We did agree that we needed professional help. I set some boundaries. We will get help. We will talk about how we feel its going so nobody is left guessing. 

I asked what she needed from me. She said I have been perfect the last week (minus some stupidity on my part on monday). She also told me to just "let it happen". To a point I agree but told her we needed help.

She said she sees my change but doesnt know how to act. She says she loves coming home now and looks forward to it. We are the same but better people somehow. Its new and exciting. I told her I was falling in love with her again. She asked me to have the patience for her to do the same. She is starting to, sometimes you just know. I see it in her smiles, her laugh, her words and actions. She talks of our future. Last night we were talking about the house and she mentioned "the next house" we buy that we would be alot more particular about things. Wow, future talk. I kept my mouth shut and just nodded.

I also told her how much I craved physical intimacy right now. She said she didn't know that and crawled over to sleep on my chest like she used to. Love her for that. I told her what I needed and she was happy to give it to me.

The longer this goes on, the more my fears subside. I love who she has become between our deployments and I think she is secretly feeling the same about me but is just a little scared right now. I wish she could see inside my mind and realize my determination and resolve but she can't. For now I can be content on where we are.

Now for a weekend of working on our marriage, having fun and enjoying one another again!

Lynn
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BeYou

Awesome Lynn! Yes, her apprehension is to be expected. It will subside little by little as time goes on.

Congrats bud!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lynn2437

BeYou said:


> Awesome Lynn! Yes, her apprehension is to be expected. It will subside little by little as time goes on.
> 
> Congrats bud!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It will on both sides. It is already something wonderful and when it gets better I don't know what I will do to contain myself.


----------



## Lynn2437

Weekend was an overall positive step for us. It had it's ups and downs but we made it through more connected. 

Friday started with a orientation and our first session. Just being there talking about marriage/divorce with her triggered me pretty bad. I locked up and couldn't talk, couldn't laugh. I just plain couldn't be myself. I hate it when this happens, escpecially when she is around. She is very defensive and hard on herself and she thinks when someone is down when they are around her, that it is her fault. Dinner went well though and we decided to take a walk. It was like one of those walks you have when you first meet someone. Alot of handholding, her telling me things she loved about me and vice-versa. She told me later she really enjoyed it. Back to the room and I started shutting down again. She got really frustrated and like she always does, started blaming herself and that she can't do anything right. I got her calmed down and told her why I've been doing that, why I can't help it and that it will pass in time as we grow closer and open up more. I think she understood because we had some of the best sex we have had in along time (I intitiated). And for the first time in years it was because we both wanted to, no pity/duty sex, we made love for the first time in a long time. She told me later it was like it was when we were first together, can't say anymore than that, amazing.

Saturday was awesome too, all of the sessions were good, we engaged honestly and we didn't hold anything back. We opened up about things she just won't talk about at home. It really makes me feel that we will have to eventually see someone. I hope she starts with me this week. We rode horses and ATV's that afternoon. We just enjoyed each other. She intitiated alot of contact. As the day was winding down and she was getting ready for a massage she had won in a drawing I asked what she wanted to do that night. She had mentioned a night hike which I agreed with. I told her I would find a nice secluded spot, bring a bottle of wine and just spend time together. Didn't turn out like that. She ended up accepting an invite from our friends that were at the retreat with us also, to go to dinner. I honestly didn't mind at that point. We had been spending a little time with them that weekend but everybody understood that we needed time to ourselves also, of which we had plenty of. Well dinner turned into the us being invited to go over to their room for some drinks. She said it wouldn't be for long and then we would go. A bottle of wine later the wife suggested getting beer and hinted at staying there drinking longer than I had wanted and that we agreed upon. My drinking was over and I was upset that after telling my W what I would like to do for the night, that she decided to do something else. I finally got up and told my friends goodbye and told my wife I was going to the room. I shouldn't have left like that but I didn't make a scene. Definately played myself into the victim role there. Of course the W came to the room as I was turning on the TV to settle down and try to relax. She was upset and frustrated. I told her how I felt and she apologized, said she forgot and felt bad about it. It still ruined the rest of the night. We went to sleep.

Sunday, new day, like they all are when we wake up now. Went to breakfast and had a good time with another couple that we kind of know. Held hands and talked on the way back. No mention of last night, good. I want stuff like that to not be re-lived over and over. Really, really good last session. Went over the five love langauges and five ways of asking forgiveness. We found out alot about each other during that one. 

Triggered again on the way home and just kept quiet. She asked what was wrong and I said alot but didn't want to talk about it. Ended up stopping and taking a swing lift up a mountain and then down on a slide on a whim. I'm glad she suggested it. She is spontaneous where I plan. We had fun, it was nice to want to give into who she is as a person where normaly I would say no. I let go of how I was feeling and she initiated alot of hugs, kisses and hand holding. I shut down again on the way home and she again asked what was wrong and what she did or didn't do. I said it had nothing to do with her, I just didn't want to talk. I wasn't mad, sad or anything. I just needed alone time, even with her with me. 

We got home and took a nap. Woke up and told her I needed to stay busy and keep to myself. I put on my headphones, listened to music and got alot of stuff done around the house. Did some things for her too. Her love langauges are words of affirmation and acts of service and even though I was keeping to myself I did a few things for her that afternoon. I think she appreciated I needed my space and did her own thing too. It came to a point that when I started ironing her uniform for work the next day (she can't iron for s***) she noticed I was doing it and she came over and she smiled, hugged me and said thanks. When I was helping her arrange her ribbons and name tag, she was staring at me the whole time and just all of a sudden reached up and kissed me. I looked down and she was just smiling at me. I smiled back. So simple but what a great moment, I lost all the feelings of wanting time to myself right then and we spent the evening together talking and doing things together and cuddled up to watch TV later. My W now knows that physical touch and quality time are my love laungauges and couldn't stop touching or hugging or anything she could do to let me know that she was there. 

Went to bed and she engaged sex, again it was awesome. I asked why and she said she wanted me. I smiled and we held each other and went to sleep. 

Another novel but haven't posted in awhile. Wasn't all good but overall it was 20 steps forward, maybe 1 step back. She is on her way back, slowly. This weekend did alot for us and I am now spending the day clock-watching until I can get home and spend time with her. She got alot closer this weekend than in the prior couple of weeks. It feels like we are falling for each other all over again. Unbelievable feeling. If it keeps going like this, I don't know what I will do with myself.


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## Conrad

Are you going to tell your IC about those triggers?


----------



## Lynn2437

Conrad said:


> Are you going to tell your IC about those triggers?


Today I will. They have been better, no longer raging emotion, just a need to shut my mouth and be alone for awhile. Guess I am still nervous/fearful of the whole thing. Maybe depression or some form/level of it. As great as it has been going, I'm not as excited as I feel I should be. It's kind of weird.


----------



## Rosemary's Granddaughter

Your triggers remind me of what the author of Fascinating Womanhood calls "Pandora's box". While a controversial book to women, I found it had many truths. The author encourages wives (who are in troubled marriages) to rise above arguing, use humor to change the subject, and to be childlike (not to be confused with childish) with their husbands. As time goes on, and husbands realize their wives' new temperament, and also that their marriage is changing for the better, "Pandora's box" is opened--the husband vents about his previous unhappiness with the marriage. This is actually a good sign, and the author then encourages the wife to remain silent or simply agree with what he's saying, as the husband needs to let it all out. From here forward, the marriage is renewed.

It seems that you need to vent freely, and let it all out once and for all, but might be worried about your wife's reaction. The urge surfaces, and you tamp it down so as not to "ruin" the success you and your wife have had.


----------



## Conrad

Lynn2437 said:


> Today I will. They have been better, no longer raging emotion, just a need to shut my mouth and be alone for awhile. Guess I am still nervous/fearful of the whole thing. Maybe depression or some form/level of it. As great as it has been going, I'm not as excited as I feel I should be. It's kind of weird.


If it makes you feel any better, I've been experiencing the same things.


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## Lynn2437

Rosemary's Granddaughter said:


> Your triggers remind me of what the author of Fascinating Womanhood calls "Pandora's box". While a controversial book to women, I found it had many truths. The author encourages wives (who are in troubled marriages) to rise above arguing, use humor to change the subject, and to be childlike (not to be confused with childish) with their husbands. As time goes on, and husbands realize their wives' new temperament, and also that their marriage is changing for the better, "Pandora's box" is opened--the husband vents about his previous unhappiness with the marriage. This is actually a good sign, and the author then encourages the wife to remain silent or simply agree with what he's saying, as the husband needs to let it all out. From here forward, the marriage is renewed.
> 
> It seems that you need to vent freely, and let it all out once and for all, but might be worried about your wife's reaction. The urge surfaces, and you tamp it down so as not to "ruin" the success you and your wife have had.


I was just about to post on this. My IC says that the triggering is from putting subconscience expectations on how a particular "thing" will happen. She told me the bigger the expectation the bigger the let down and vice versa the bigger the elation if said expectation on my part is met. This is not good for me because if it does/doesn't go the way I want, my perspective of how the R is going will be skewed from one end of the scale to the other. I need a little more patience and balance. Easier said than done but...

For example, my expectation for Saturday night was so big that my triggering went into Sunday when it didn't go my way. On the other hand, when we took a nap together on Sunday, I was hoping for some cuddling or something. When she turned over to go to sleep I thought, "screw it, relax and get some sleep." Not much of a let down because I made the expectation less significant. 

Just another unforeseen hurdle to jump.

As far as venting, I will tell her, when I am comfortable telling her, how I feel. This gets easier as time passes and she has been a little more honest on how she feels about things also. 

This is really coming down more to me learning patience and "going with the flow" and "just letting it happen". These are literally the things that my wife tells me. She tells me to not overanalyze and just relax and enjoy what is going on. Counselor says the same thing. W has agreed to go with me to IC on Thursday. Also caught her going through my stack of books and articles that I have been collecting and reading since this started, she might be getting on board with figuring this out as well as "going with the flow".


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## Lynn2437

Conrad said:


> If it makes you feel any better, I've been experiencing the same things.


I guess it is just part of the process.


----------



## Conrad

Lynn2437 said:


> I guess it is just part of the process.


It's actually surprising.

It starts to come out and it's like all connected.


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## Lynn2437

Good days the last two and this morning, finally starting to feel more like myself again, even being home for 10 days or so , I really haven't. Wife called me yesterday when she got a break from an extremely busy and stressful day to say hi and talk a bit to take her mind off of things, good to know she wants to lean on me for that. 

I stepped out on a limb and offered her some help while I was waiting to pick up the kids. She was very receptive to the offer and very appreciative that I would ask and I was glad to spend a little time with her. 

She is getting more comfortable with me. The things she does tell me that, things only a we would understand but things she has been closed down to for awhile now. Makes me feel like she thinks she made the right choice. She came to me this morning for our daily goodbye hug/kiss for the first time and she made sure she extended the hug. She also curled up to me again last night. We have been together to long for that cuddling to last all night and eventually we seperate and sleep comfortably but make a point to have some physical contact all night now. we make a point to sleep closer to each other instead of opposite sides of the bed.

Damn she is funny too, it's like she is trying to impress me with her humor. We really have both changed in the last year and I think we both get butterflies around each other now. The best part about it is that we both know the worst things about each other but we are trying to focus and project the best of each other.

I'm also going to plan a overnight stay in Deadwood for some fun and kid free time. That was one of the best thing about last weekend, focusing on each other. Will be expensive but fun. She mentioned wanting to go up there for that and in the past I would have dismissed it as too much of a hassle or too much money or any excuse I could come up with but now I really want to. She will be floored if I work all the logistics and surprise her with it.


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## Conrad

Lynne,

Make it happen.

Good move.


----------



## BeYou

Yup, book it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lynn2437

Found a hotel right on Main, good price too. It will be on Sunday but Monday is Labor day so it should be lively. Live music, casino, nice room, perfect. Babysitter booked too. 

I thought that maybe she wouldn't be into it but then I figured, what would I do if we were first dating? So Sunday afternoon I'm gonna tell her to pack an overnight bag with some nice clothes and we will be off. I think I will have her take a nap that afternoon and will she is asleep take the girls to the babysitter so I can tell her to pack when she wakes up.

Should be fun, damn expensive overall but worth it IMO.


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## Lynn2437

Well, W told me today she had a bbq planned at the house for Sunday so I spilled the beans about the overnight. Oh well, she didnt believe me at first and kept smiling at me until I showed her the email confirmation. Then she really couldnt stop smiling and said she was surprised and excited. She even suggested getting some pictures of us done at a place up there that does old west style pics. Now we can both let it build up over the next three days and get excited about it.


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## Conrad

Carry on.


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## Lynn2437

Good day today, W has made many attempts to connect with me today, while I'm on cruise letting it all pass by with a smile on my face. Called me earlier to make plans for tomorrow. Actually told me she loved me without prompting from me or in the heat of an emotional conversation in response to me. Kind of shocked to hear that but I guess she is "going with the flow" and "letting it happen", as she likes to put it.

Called when she had a break and said she just wanted to say Hi. Talked a bit about nothing.

Went to IC with me. She doesn't even want to process, much less proceed on how to go about doing this. She will rug-sweep for awhile. No choice but to enjoy each other right now. But damn our time together has been great. She will not own much just yet but knows I expect us to get lots of help trying to figure out what we need to do in the future. I am forced to be patient in this case. Counselor told me I was still being controlling by engaging in emotional temp checks. Wife gets frustrated and shuts down when I do. So I will stop. My excuse was I feel I need to do it because she led me to believe everthing was fine up until D-Day. I have trust issues. We talked afterwards and she wants me to find her at a joint function this afternoon to sit with me.

Overall things are moving forward in a good way and we are continuing to rebuild and re-connect.


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## Conrad

She has plenty to prove to you.

The "temp-checks" are needy behavior, but completely understandable after what has happened.


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## Lynn2437

Conrad said:


> She has plenty to prove to you.
> 
> The "temp-checks" are needy behavior, but completely understandable after what has happened.


Understandable, which is why I engage in them. But also needy. I get it. I just can't help it. At any point during this there is an emotion or need I engage in. It sucks but I am getting better, I think. She did have the nerve to say in the session that I didn't have to "temp check" because if anything was wrong I would know. I laughed at that one and she knew why I laughed and shut up about it. She is owning but not outwardly.


----------



## Conrad

Lynn2437 said:


> Understandable, which is why I engage in them. But also needy. I get it. I just can't help it. At any point during this there is an emotion or need I engage in. It sucks but I am getting better, I think. She did have the nerve to say in the session that I didn't have to "temp check" because if anything was wrong I would know. I laughed at that one and she knew why I laughed and shut up about it. She is owning but not outwardly.


You "would know" even though you "didn't know" last time.

Ok.....


----------



## Lynn2437

Conrad said:


> You "would know" even though you "didn't know" last time.
> 
> Ok.....


I guess what she means is that she has seen enough change in how I am and how I look at things now to pick up on how everything is going. IDK, sometimes a man needs to be told things in simple terms with a slow/calm voice... maybe it's just me.

BTW, everything is going great. Had a great weekend together. Skipped out on the hotel in Deadwood because she was/is sick but still had the babysitter lined up so we went anyway when we knew she would be alright to go. We went to Kevin Coster's reasturant Jack's, food and service was great even though it was expensive. Gambled and won some money, enough for the trip. Ended up going back home, curling up and watching a movie. The whole night was all screwed up and spur of the moment but we agreed it was awesome overall.

She is closing on me. She told me twice this weekend that those "feelings" are returning and she is initiating more with me. She continues to talk of the future. She calls to say Hi regularly. She even got me a card that brought me to tears because it sums up alot about being compatible. That people can be different and still love each other. She wrote in it that even though we have a long way to go, everything has been great so far and that we are off to a great start. We are getting to know each other for the first time again if that makes any sense. 

It is still gonna take a long time but it will be worth it. Time to enjoy the journey of getting back to "us". We might even learn a thing or two.

Thanks TAM, I will be back when I can to keep up with this as it is far from being set in stone.

Lynn


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## Lynn2437

Well, the bomb dropped last night. Since I have been home I havent looked at any accounts. Trust is an issue so I took the opportunity to do a little phone browsing. Wife started an EA a couple of weeks after dday. She ended it about a month later, about three weeks before I moved back home. Lets just say last night was pretty bad. She said it felt wrong and used it as an excuse to get over me but it didnt work and she knew she couldnt live her life without me as her husband. I knew it in my gut but put myself in a fog of denial. Heartbroken for the second time this summer. She is scared I will leave her. I dont know what I am gonna do. After about eight or ten collective hours talking about it I believe her apology is sincere and I believe her when she says she wants me forever. I told her my trust in a liar and cheater is lower than the stains in the carpet pad and I may never be able to trust her again. Full disclosure and transparency have been agreed upon and facebook profiles deleted. FML and I'll be back to update.

Lynn


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## Conrad

You're surprised?


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## Lynn2437

Not really, just didnt think it would happen so I kept denying it. As time passed I forgot about that creeping feeling I had.


----------



## Conrad

Lynn2437 said:


> Not really, just didnt think it would happen so I kept denying it. As time passed I forgot about that creeping feeling I had.


Ok... then I want you to dig deep.

What happened was she looked around and realized what she stood to lose.

Is that "really" such a bad thing?

There's a school of thought that this would increase her recognition of your value to her.


----------



## Lynn2437

Conrad said:


> Ok... then I want you to dig deep.
> 
> What happened was she looked around and realized what she stood to lose.
> 
> Is that "really" such a bad thing?
> 
> There's a school of thought that this would increase her recognition of your value to her.


It's actually been really good since that night. Strangely enough it feels like we are both on the same page now and I'm in love with her but really pissed she could do it. Conflicted all over again.


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## Conrad

Lynn2437 said:


> It's actually been really good since that night. Strangely enough it feels like we are both on the same page now and I'm in love with her but really pissed she could do it. Conflicted all over again.


She's glad she was able to be honest and tell you.

Take her at her word and forgive her.

At the same time, there's to be zero tolerance on that sort of thing going forward.

My wife and I agree to "no one on one's" with members of the opposite sex.

And, that means zero - for each of us.


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## tombaby

Lynn,

I'm curious to see how you are doing? My wife is doing the same thing. Kind of a quarter life crisis, and looking at me as all the problems in her life. Not that I've been too peachy, but I don't think I'm the whole issue.

She's started having an EA with a guy through text. I'm hoping when the fog lifts, she will come home.

By the way, I grew up in Rapid City, so I thought it was kind of cool reading your post about Deadwood.


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## southern wife

This thread is 2 years old.


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