# Did you marry your father?



## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

I don't know, I haven't been around these forums long, so I'm not sure if this has already been discussed... but I've seen a few responses on some threads lately about seeking out a spouse that was similar to your own father. And, of course, I have heard that adage before then. Usually this is said in dysfunctional type relationships. So how true is it??

Well, I definitely didn't "marry my father." Not when my marriage was good, and not when it got bad. They are no where near alike. At all. I'm starting to think maybe I should have married someone like my father though, ha!

So what does it mean when you do NOT marry someone like your father? And when you do? I might do a little digging as I'm now curious, but figured so many of you on here are so intelligent in these areas, so I'd like to hear the theories!

And then also, of course, say if you feel you "married your father" or did not. Subconsciously or consciously.

(oh, and does this adage apply to men marrying their mothers, too? I'm not sure).


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Adeline said:


> ...
> And, of course, I have heard that adage before then. Usually this is said in dysfunctional type relationships. So how true is it??...


Don't know for sure. I know on a superficial way, my FIL and I share a lot of interest... But personality wise, different creatures.



> (oh, and does this adage apply to men marrying their mothers, too? I'm not sure).


My wife is nothing like my mom.... 

On this subject I've always wondered how many of us compare our spouses to our own parents and 'score' them as lacking or better than....


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

My SO definitely has many traits that I admire in my father. He's not exactly the same as they also have many different traits, too, but there are some significant similarities. They're both smart, responsible, hard workers, prefer to do home repairs and car repairs themselves, are good money managers, and both prefer to be outdoors vs. indoors. They don't share the same temperament, though.

I also share traits with his mother, but probably not the good ones, lol. I've even pointed them out to him, "You realize, don't you, that I am exactly like your mom in this way..." and he tells me it's different.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My H and Father are alike in many ways and I admire each of those ways:

Work ethic, both blue collar workers.. faithful husband, very good mechanic/ do it yourselfer ...can count on his word...both on the Introverted side / very funny when they let loose & feel comfortable, financially savers....very commonsensical ...we enjoy discussing many things when we get together ...we respect his knowledge & experience...also we have lots of laughs...

But on another level...

OH my... are they ever different ! My Dad basically sucked with children...though my Mom told me he did want one.. a GIRL (and that was me)... My step Mom had to put our babies in his arms when they were born...just not his thing at all... didn't seem to know what to do with me either in my teens....he had his own things going on..

My Husband is better with the kids than I am (to be honest).... he plays board games with them/ watches movies with them...... very close to our daughter (in comparison to how my dad was with me- heck those things didn't happen).....

I would say my Dad was more of a Manly man, into Motorcycles, beer drinking with his buddies on weekends..Hill climbs... very responsible.. never drove drunk in his life.. whereas my Husband is more geared a laid back family man...probably only downs 5 beers a month, one of those might be when my dad shows up for a visit.


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## sexy (Jul 29, 2012)

I definitely did not marry my father! I tried to find a man like my father since I was a daddy's girl, but as fate would have it, I married someone just like MY MOTHER:scratchhead:. Go figure!

My mother is active, creative, very social, and temperamental to a degree. My husband is exactly the same way!

My father would blend in to the scenery, my mother and my husband both stand out in a crowd and command attention.

My father was an Aquarius. My husband and my mother are both Sagittarius. I am an Aries. I really do think there is something to astrological signs.


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## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

My husband is a lot like my dad in a lot of ways. There are some significant differences (my dad is more handy-man and my husband is more techy and academic) but overall, very similar. They're both the strong silent types. They don't talk much in large groups but when they do, they always have something interesting, insightful and true to say. Among close friends and family they can both be quite talkative. They both underestimate their own talents, intelligence and abilities - they're humble (sometimes to a fault). Oh, and they're both super sarcastic.

I'm a lot like my mom. Outgoing, opinionated, confident, organized and take-charge types.

My mom and dad mesh well; they're very compatible in the ways they complement one another. I always knew that I would end up with a guy like my dad because I know how much I'm like my mom. I saw how my parents interacted and knew that's what I wanted. Also, my dad always 'got' me. He's always understood me. My husband is the same, he gets me.

Just the other day my mom asked me "how did you ever manage to find a man so much like your dad? lol." 

I said "just lucky, I guess. lol"


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Just the looks  My father was a very handsome person. Thin, tall, beautiful black eyes, long fingers and...dimples ! When I was little, under 6 years old, I remember telling my mom I'm gonna find a husband just like that.
And I did. My husband, and all the guys I previously dated or had a crush on, had something of my father's look: either the eyes, dimples or the tall thin frame. Or his elegance in dressing. Or all.

It is subconsciously done. I haven't thought of my father when started to date someone. But I would later realize the resemblance. However, my husband personality varies from my father's. It's just that gorgeous face, that on a certain level reminds me of my hero, my father.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

My father died when I was a kid so I can't really remember him, but I do know that I am A LOT like my husband's mother. We share a similar temperament. We have our differences because we are from different cultures, but one thing I have noticed is our patience. 

His mom is very patient, and I think that comes from having four kids. Me, well, I have always been patient even as a baby. 

I don't know how it affects your marriage exactly, but maybe it works well because you know already how to interact with that person in a close relationship. I mean marriage is definitely different from parents. I think you just have to accept someone's faults in both cases, and if you marry someone like your mother or father, you may know how to deal with those exact faults.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

If my wife replies to this thread and says yes, I'm jumping off the bridge.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Ugh, yes I DID marry my father, my first marriage. NOT a good thing. It didnt become clear to me until AFTER we married, and when I realized it, I got out. My daughter has told me that the last thing she wants to do is to marry her father, so we have an agreement that if I see any guy she is with having traits or tendencies of her dad, I will most definitely LET HER KNOW! I wish someone had done that for me!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The only similarity was their ridiculously amazing work ethic. Very hard-working men. And I do like that in a man.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I did marry a man with a lot of similarities to my dad, but also a lot of differences. Both are avid outdoorsmen, love hunting and fishing, etc. The biggest difference in the two is that my dad is extremely outgoing, never meets a stranger type and my husband is the opposite, a man of few words. 

My hope is that when my daughter marries, she is fortunate enough to find someone like her father and grandfathers.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Ugh, yes I DID marry my father, my first marriage. NOT a good thing. It didnt become clear to me until AFTER we married, and when I realized it, I got out. My daughter has told me that the last thing she wants to do is to marry her father, so we have an agreement that if I see any guy she is with having traits or tendencies of her dad, I will most definitely LET HER KNOW! I wish someone had done that for me!


Don't take it to the extreme. If your/her father are good man, clearly they will have similarities.

Chances are high that most man will have similar things about them as well.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

Heck no! My father is an overbearing, male chauvinistic, verbally abusive, alcoholic. These traits seem to run in his obnoxious family. I thought all men were like that until I left home. My husband is absolutely nothing like him.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

DoF said:


> Don't take it to the extreme. If your/her father are good man, clearly they will have similarities.
> 
> Chances are high that most man will have similar things about them as well.


If they were good men, I would not have said that.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

Interesting! The majority of you said the similarities in a positive way. But most of the time when I hear that comparison it's in a negative way. Like when a husband has anger issues or is abusive or a user, saying subconsciously they sought out someone just like their father. It always seems to be a negative connotation when I've heard it before.


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

My sister married our father, an abusive narcissistic alcoholic. Took her 3 marriages and a lot of therapy to get rid of him.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> If they were good men, I would not have said that.


Yep, don't worry, you are NOT the only one.


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

When I was little, I adored my dad. There was no one in the world better than him. He was tall and handsome, intelligent, thoughtful, kind, charming, fun. He could also be quirky, silly...he taught me to say the alphabet backwards instead of forwards, and recite The Jaberwocky. When trying to relate to me, he'd adopt a sing-song tone and say, "Well, when *I* was a little girl..." 

Then he married my step mom, who was "respectable," and terribly embarrassed by his silliness and games. She would criticize him harshly for anything that didn't meet her standard of adult behavior. He adored her and so the quirkiness became much less frequent. I felt protective of him, stunned and hurt. I had loved him _the way he was. _

Every guy I have fallen for has had that "off-beat" stripe running through him. A little tinge of weird. I feel a strong desire to embrace what other people might find embarrassing...a junior walking down the high school hallway singing something in Latin, with no sense of shame. Crush!. A college senior who wrote terrible, trope-ridden fantasy fiction. Swoon! My husband, who counts stairs before climbing them so he can always step off the landing with the left foot. True love. 

Man...I love quirky guys. Thanks, Dad!


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## SunnyWife (Aug 6, 2014)

Maybe I actually did. My dad was super quiet, low self-esteem, and basically my entire growing-up years I got maybe 5 decent conversations from him. BUT, all of this was due to how my mom treated him. He was not allowed to be who he truly was. I did admire his strong family and religious values. I enjoyed spending time gardening with him -- even though he hardly spoke to me for fear of my mom's wrath. 

My Hubby is really goofy and fun and has a great connection with our 4 kids (3 teenagers and 1 adult) and has the same strong family and religious values my dad had. I feel that deep down my dad was this person but my mom never allowed him to show this side of himself.

So, in an odd way I probably did marry my father.:scratchhead:


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## jessicalynne754 (Aug 11, 2014)

Yes, I did. And that's not a good thing, either :/


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

My father, although a good man, was COMPLETELY emotionally distant and unavailable. I was told "I love you" from him maybe a total of a dozen times in my life, usually forced by my mother. He was a dictative, old fashioned head of household, and growing up, me and my siblings didn't really like him much. I craved a LOT of attention/love and was jealous of all the other girls my age who were "daddies little girl." Because I was FAR from it. My mother has a martyr syndrome, which aggrivated things. They are still together over 40 years later. I understand my dad a little better, although he is still very quiet and emotionally distant. As an adult, all of us siblings can now see that a lot of the problem actually lied with our mother (who is a good woman and we love, but she is an extreme emotional manipulator.) Our dad was raised to keep his feelings to himself, but that was compounded by our mother's emotional blackmail.

I married a physically abusive alcoholic the first time, and a Borderline personality the second time. Both were emotional wrecks. But I didn't have much guidance growing up in that area. My sister married an emotionally abusive control freak. My brother did the same. None of us are married to them now....


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

Yes! Anxiety ridden, reactive, angry husband, just like my dad! 

But to be fair my dad was 10 times worse and was way more controlling.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Because i am married to an older man (22 years older) I am 38.... I have people chuck that at me, I married an older man because i was looking for a father figure, someone to take me under their wing etc.... and its furthest from the truth..... I have a dad, hes Lovely, caring, he will helped me out whenever i need him, so i have a dad i do not need another one.....

My dad is a lot like me arrogant, loud, opinionated.... God i would not want to be married to someone like that:lol:.... God knows how my hubby puts up with me, I could not live with me


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## Snow cherry (Apr 24, 2013)

No. My husband is the opposite of my dad which is good.
My dad was a deadbeat father but really popular with people and funny.
Even if my dad had been in my life. I would be turned off by any man who physically or mentally resembled him.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

My husband and my dad have a lot of similarities, but they are also different at the same time. Both of them are hard workers/good work ethic, love finance/economics, have a similar sense of humor, have the same laugh(weird - aunt pointed it out when we were engaged), are always willing to help others, and so on. The differences are that my husband is not a yeller and I made sure not to marry a man who would raise his voice to me, and that my husband is not afraid to show emotion. My dad never cried, as I think I have seen him cry twice in my lifetime, but my husband will tear up more easily. He gets that from my FIL, who I saw tear up/cry at our wedding. I'd rather see him do that, than stuff his emotions. One other difference is that I think my dad is better with kids than my husband, as many times my husband acts too reserved instead of letting loose and having fun. He is getting there though.


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## HappyGilmore (Jul 20, 2014)

No, thankfully I did not. My father is a hot-headed, emotional, sexist alcoholic. I love him because he is my dad, but I don't always like him. 

My husband is opposite of him.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

HappyGilmore said:


> No, thankfully I did not. My father is a hot-headed, emotional, sexist alcoholic. I love him because he is my dad, but I don't always like him.
> 
> My husband is opposite of him.


So we can't be friends.

Anyways my wife is nothing like my mother shes harmless to me,but she will cut a woman who looks at me wrong.


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## HappyGilmore (Jul 20, 2014)

Quant said:


> So we can't be friends.
> 
> Anyways my wife is nothing like my mother shes harmless to me,but she will cut a woman who looks at me wrong.


You're a hot-headed, emotional, sexist alcoholic?


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

HappyGilmore said:


> You're a hot-headed, emotional, sexist alcoholic?


I am hotheaded and sexist so two out of four.


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