# Need you thoughts to help me decide



## andy1969 (Sep 4, 2012)

Hi iv been with my partner for 13yrs not married,i have 1 stepson who is 20 and is rarely about..
I have not been a saint throughout our relationship i have often gone for massage's with extra's and my partner knows this,im not proud of my behaviour and have not done anything wrong for about a year.

my partner bought a second phone and texted me pretending to be a friend of her's asking if she wanted to go out after work for tea,well i thought nothing of it and said yes it's fine,she has never given me any reason in the past not to trust her..

Well the red flag came when i asked her if she minded if i took her as i really needed the car,well i could tell something was wrong by her reaction..NO NO you cant do that etc,so i accepted her answer and did a bit of snoping and found she had been txting another fella from her work for only about a week..

During the time she was suppose to be having her tea with her friend i tried to phone and txt but no answer until about an hour and half later..excuse's came etc,i thought id just gather some more evidence before i confronted her..

Anyway the following day i decided to nip it in the butt before it went any further and asked her to her face what was going on,and yes you guessed it she lied till she was blue in the face that she had been out with her friend,until i told her i knew about her secret phone she txted me from pretending to be her friend well she caved in then and felt pretty stupid that i had found her phone and outed her lies..

She had admitted she had been in a pub with a fella from work who had asked her out for a drink,she said she went cos she was flattered and went cos she thought i did,nt love her anymore and felt i negglected her..well i had i suppose not been the best boyfriend for the past few years..

She had my full trust before this but now i really dont trust her anymore and im not sure if i should grow some balls and finish it or give her the benefit of the doubt,like she has given me in the past..

would i be a hypicrite if i left cos iv done things in the past behind her back,which she always keeps bringing up

Any advice im really confused how i should handle this,any questions plzs ask and i will answer them honestly

long time lurker first time poster

many thanks Andrew


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

How do you expect your wife to be faithful, if you were not?


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## andy1969 (Sep 4, 2012)

She's not my wife but you are very correct..this is what im trying to get my head around

She decided to forgive me..but i dont have to forgive her plus it was the sly way in which she did it..txting me with a secret phone pretending to be someone else..


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

There could be no lasting relationship without trust!


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## andy1969 (Sep 4, 2012)

Ther has'nt been no trust for a long time,we love each other deep down but i feel as though its now more of a comfortable relationship..


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

What she did was wrong, but what you did was also wrong. The whole thing is a mess. Trust is gone for both of you.

Do you love her?
Does she love you?
Do you two want to work this out?
Does she want to work this out?

IF you do, you BOTH have a lot of work to do. It just sounds like you two lost each other long ago. Your seeing massage therapists and shes feeling neglected, which I am sure she does, so, she sees a co-worker. Is this what you want in a relationship...really? 

What she did was wrong and deceitful. What you did was also wrong and deceitful and it sounds more like she rug-swept yours and you two just moved on without really dealing with your betrayal.

You are both making horrible choices that are hurting yourselves and each other. Your relationship is just broken. The BIG question you have to ask yourself....Is it worth saving?

Can you both stop this madness and work on your relationship, can you find the love again for each other, love that I assume you had at some point. Where did it all go so wrong?

You need to sit down and find out everything she has done, she needs to come clean, and YOU need to come clean also. Get it all out there, then you two need to decide what to do next, split or stick it out.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Simple decide what you want. Just staying in a relationship out of guilt is not a relationship. While you're behavior is inexcusable you guys remained together. If you both want to stay together I would consider getting formally married. The fact that you have been together fifteen years and have not tied the knots speaks volumes. I mean if you're not getting married and don't plan on having a future together, what are you with her for. It seems like you should examine if you really want this or are you just comfortable with this. If you are just comfortable with her then that is not really love. That is just fear of being alone. 
You need to find out A) if you want more out of this relationship. (beyonce made a song about this. I think the chorus is "if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it." )
B) if you think you can trust her enough to move forward.
c) Stop the massages if you need a massage go a formal spa where people get fired for happy endings.


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## andy1969 (Sep 4, 2012)

Thankyou betrayed very useful post..

1 do i love her=im not sure,somewhere deep inside i do
2 do i want to work it out = im not sure,maybe for convienence of being with her,she's is a good person to live with
3 does she love me = she keeps saying she does
4 does she want to try = she says she does


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

andy1969 said:


> Ther has'nt been no trust for a long time,we love each other deep down but i feel as though its now more of a comfortable relationship..


*sigh* Shue on the other foot..Come one man..

you two,have bigger problem then cheating..You getting some 
"extra" over the years.All time while she know about it..
Your lame excuse.You have been a good boy for a 1year..

And now you flashing your university ,where you got you Phd degree in
*Cry me a river*:scratchhead:

Dont make this in to a pissing contest...

Get some consoling for both of you. So you two can decide 
if this relationship ,can or worth saving..


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## andy1969 (Sep 4, 2012)

Thxs jonesey for your truthful comments..all very true


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

andy1969 said:


> Thankyou betrayed very useful post..
> 
> 1 do i love her=im not sure,somewhere deep inside i do
> 2 do i want to work it out = im not sure,maybe for convienence of being with her,she's is a good person to live with
> ...


Staying with someone because it's convenient isn't much of a relationship. That's not fair to her or you. You both deserve to be in a mutually loving relationship. If you can't have that then what you have is exactly where you are now. Unfaithfulness and no trust. That's obviously not ok with you because you are here saying it isn't. 

Not sure what else to tell you. If you want a happy loving relationship you now know what doesn't work. Are you willing to do what does work with her?


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

How long has she had this new phone ??


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## andy1969 (Sep 4, 2012)

Thanks for all your comments so far and most of you are right and our problems are quite deep and the trust on both sides has completly gone..

she will not go to counciling and talk to a stranger about our issue's but she does wanna try and move forward..

we will try and improve things and see how it goes

she has only had the phone a couple of weeks


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