# Should I do the 180 at this point?



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

I try, and slip. 

But, I'm not really sure my situation fits what the 180 is intended for?

We've been married seventeen years.
He had a ONS nine years ago. 
He had an EA that ended four years ago.
I found out about ONS six months ago.
I got confirmation on the EA six months ago.
Our relationship was at it's best until I let old doubts insist on the truth coming out.
Then it all crumbled. 
Obviously, our marriage wasn't what I thought it was since he was keeping secrets from me.
But, this is all old and dead for him.
To me, it's still fresh at six months discovery. 
We started off trying to show more love toward each other, but the shock wore off for me and it all went south. 
He's now depressed and seems to be giving up.
He wants forgiveness I'm not ready to give and I still don't fully believe him on his confessions.
At this point, I think I got all I'm going to get.
I try the 180 and he turns cold toward me.
I try being loving and he starts coming back around.
I worry I do the 180 it will be the death blow and I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet. 
Thoughts? 
He's not involved with anyone, the EA is history and he hates her.
I worry I might have missed my opportunity. He was checking in on me, sending me I love you texts, trying to hold me...
Now nothing. 
Now MIL is getting in the way sending him negative texts about me. 
I'm not sure...


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Having just read your last post I would say YES! Purely on that you are 6months past DD and u are not allowed to talk. Having read this post, I agree, yours isn't really a defined 180 situation. BUT...if you need him to talk and he won't then tell him he has a certain amount of time to start opening up to u, and u will be cold and cordial with him til then. If that is not the kind of marriage he wants then he'd better hurry. If he doesn't hurry then you will go to the process that comes after the 180 (what will that be for you?). Then implement 180. If you are SURE there is more info he is not giving, include these in your demands also.

Easy for me to say.

It took me 10 months to get to this point. That includes 3-4 months of being on here, it took that long to become sure of myself and clear in my thoughts. I am at the start of that 180 now (having had 2 false starts in the last 3-4 weeks. This is now the real one. I know it is real because I don't care anymore. I am not sure if I love him anymore, and I am not sure that I would want him back regardless of how the 180 goes. The 180 for me was basically me finishing with him last Wednesday.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

BTW mine turned cold on me when I did mini 180's before. My behaviour was as obvious as his. He would go cold too for a bit, send a text to test the water, and we were back on again. How long did your 180s last? You need to be decisive, otherwise it is dragging it out for both of you and making both of you miserable (not your fault, just how it is). My man was also happy so long as we weren't discussing anything, I was loving, and all was 'normal'. If your man is depressed, he needs to talk. If he won't talk, why? Tell him what you are doing and why. Be clear. If he wants to sort it out he will. If not, he will go. The 180 won't push him away, especially if you are clear with him. What it will do is push for a decision to be made. And for him to deal with the issues and not sweep them under the carpet.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

To all,

*The 180 degree rules* * is NOT A MANIPULATION TOOL* set of protocols to be used to turn your spouse's heart around, end his/her affair, and make him/her commit to marital recovery. *it is an EMOTIONAL EMPOWERMENT tool* for the purpose of protecting and strengthening the betrayed spouse's heart so that he/she can move on with or without his/her spouse.

Ironically, the best way to recover a marriage in many cases is to just let go but this is usually hard because the betrayed spouse is emotionally weak or fearful. What he/she doesn't understand is that the fear of ending the marriage is often THE major hindrance to saving it. Fear can only be lost once the betrayed spouse has become emotionally strong enough to be fine with whatever the outcome of marriage is. That can only happen once he/she has successfully implemented *The 180 degree rules* do it for the reason it was intended for, emotional empowerment.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

The 180 seems to be making him more depressed???
He begged for peace and quiet, I gave it to him and his depression became much worse.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Then stop it. If you showing him affection helps him and if you can then work on doing that. I am a BS and am hurting. What I did hurt my WS by drinking and being very angry with her. Had I been kinder and more gentle I think (not 100% sure) I would have gotten all the rest from her. I believe that she went underground with her thoughts and is holding some things back. I have proof (100%) that they had sex on Sept. 27th. She continues to deny this. They had sex on Sept 9th, Oct 11 and Oct 14th, then twice in November. She only admits to 4 times. I know for a fact that they had sex 6 times. I know they were together 7 times she says 5.

My point is not the number of times, once is enough, but it is the lying, the not remembering, the denying. I showed her the proof and she just looks at it and says, no way.

Maybe I would have gotten it out of her if I would have backed off. i am not sure. I certainly did not get what I wanted by being nasty. Why is she not admitting to the obvious? I have told her in the past that her not coming clean is holding me back and she keeps saying there is no more. 

Why am I not satisfied with 90%?

I tried all the tricks, mind games, yelling. All to no avail. I still think she is hiding something. I may be completely wrong. But she rug swept in 2010 and I told her I will not do it again. 

She now convinced her small support group that I am the bad guy. I looked at porn, I kept drinking and being nasty with her. 

In our healing it is difficult to let go of stuff. It is not fair to us. But what do we get if we keep pushing and the WS resists? I have followed your posts and if you are like me you can take the truth, the details, the whatever. But the resistance to come clean is driving me nuts. What is your WS hiding and what is mine hiding? Come on people, tell us, we can take it. And if we are truely the paranoid ones then help us get over it and stop your crazy as* bull, because what you did to us screwed us up and our recovery is for you (the WS) to come clean. If you told us 80% to 90% why not the rest?

Some of my inlaws turned against me because I got nasty. I am sure your WS is feeding your MIL stuff and it is not helping.

Ultimatums did not work, she shut down and developed an exit plan. Saying you are threatening to leave me so I am preparing for that. In reality I can't blame her, I would have done the same. Some say on here that she should be begging me to stay. Ok, but it is not going that way, either, she did it at first but I kept mentally beating her up.

If you want your marriage to work you got to talk it out. If you don't get everything you want or feel you need then decide what you can live with getting.

I read a post here not too long ago about a guy who WS told him 6 years into R that she had something to tell him. That the EA was really a PA and she had sex with the OM three times. He divorced her. I really would like to find that post but, WTH. Six years, things were going well and she finally confessed. Base upon what the guy said, if she had told him that 6 years ago he more than likely would have worked things out. 

That is in the back of my mind. What if there is more?


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

No. And I know I'll get hammered for this response. The 180 is not a recipe for getting a spouse to come around. It's a recipe for getting your own life in order. Watch the videos on MarriageToday. Read some of the books that are repetitively suggested. Look at some of the older shows on DrPhil.com. There are no simple solutions and you have a MIL interfering. Listen, a guy wants love, respect and security. We' re pretty simple. We want to kow we are appreciated, that you are there for us, and that our world can begin and end with you. You wrote that when you are loving he responds. You sound like you really want to reconnect and save your marriage. It's not fair to think that you are the wronged partner and you need to do the heavy lifting, but marriage is and can be special. You don't need the 180, you need to be the person your spouse fell in love with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

I think you and I are in in the same boat Thorburn. It totally sucks. I made mistakes along the way when trying to get information. 

I'm sure I only got part of the truth and at this point I'm pretty sure I'll get no more unless it comes from an outside source. My IC tells me what good is it going to do you to know more? You already know he cheated and your marriage wasn't what you thought it was... 

Why would he tell me more when things are already this bad? I'm sure that is his thinking, but it eats at me wanting to know the truth. I really feel cursed for life with having doubts. 

I know it will suck to stick this out and find out more six years down the road like that person you mentioned. I mean I was already lied to for nine years!!!

He's extremely depressed. Sometimes I wonder if it's because of guilt, that he's still hiding stuff from me? 

Are you wanting to stay, are you trying with her? I find it very hard to act like a couple...


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

JustWaiting said:


> No. And I know I'll get hammered for this response. The 180 is not a recipe for getting a spouse to come around. It's a recipe for getting your own life in order. Watch the videos on MarriageToday. Read some of the books that are repetitively suggested. Look at some of the older shows on DrPhil.com. There are no simple solutions and you have a MIL interfering. Listen, a guy wants love, respect and security. We' re pretty simple. We want to kow we are appreciated, that you are there for us, and that our world can begin and end with you. You wrote that when you are loving he responds. You sound like you really want to reconnect and save your marriage. It's not fair to think that you are the wronged partner and you need to do the heavy lifting, but marriage is and can be special. You don't need the 180, you need to be the person your spouse fell in love with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, if I act loving toward him he definitely responds. It's just hard... Things seem so bad right now.


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