# Mixed signals or misreading things?



## justsad (Jun 7, 2010)

So my husband says that he doesn't love me anymore, I've broken him, etc. etc. He doesn't want to go to counseling and just wants it to be over. 

I have taken every morsel of advice I have been able to gather from here, Mort Fertel, Marriage Builders, and the Love Dare. I have taken a good hard look at myself and see clearly the changes I need to make...if only for myself. 

What confuses me is that I feel like I am getting mixed signals from him. We slept in the same bed (no touching, it's a king size), he laughs and talks with me as long as it's nothing about the relationship, he suggested we watch a movie (again opposite ends of a large couch). 

I've also been trying to pay attention to his body language. Sometimes he will turn his body toward me when we are watching tv. He doesn't cringe if we are standing close together. He doesn't seem to cringe if I manage to get a brief hand on his shoulder or back. 

He has made it clear that he doesn't want any physical contact from me. No hugs, no sitting together, etc. He's very angry at me and harbors a lot of resentment. 

Maybe this is where men and women are completely different? If I felt about him the way he claims to feel about me...I wouldn't want him within twenty feet of me. I wouldn't be able to share a bed with him. 

Am I just crushed and desperate enough to be looking for signals when they just aren't there? Or is he sending mixed signals? 

Any men who would be kind enough to share their thoughts would be greatly appreciated...seeing as how I am fully aware just how much I don't understand them.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Have the two of you discussed this? If so, what has he said?

Best,

Lyn


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## justsad (Jun 7, 2010)

I've tried talking to him and all it accomplishes is making him shut down even more.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Hmm...well seems like he is the only one benefiting from this arrangement, am I right? You need to do some things for yourself so that you can be empowered to deal with this confusion.

1. He doesn't love you because
2. You've "broken" him and he 
3. Doesn't want to discuss it
4. He just wants it to be over but 
5. is still toying with you 

Sounds like passive-aggressive sadism to me. If I were you, I wouldn't allow him to treat me this way and I would get some professional support. Don't go along with his games, but also, don't be harsh, just detach, for your own sanity. But, what are his plans?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I do think that men are really different from women. I don't honestly see him toying with you, I see him going through the motions and that's all. Yeah, he is sleeping in the same bed. Probably because that's where he always sleeps. Nothing to read into there. He is probably guessing that if you are uncomfortable you can leave the bed. 

He doesn't want couseling, so what steps are being taken to end the marriage?? Has anything been filed??


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## questions (May 7, 2010)

Hi there,

Your post reminds me of someone to whom I am very grateful for giving my inspiration to turn my situation around. I felt the kinship and connection with that person and now I do with you. 
As human beings, we hear what we want to hear, mainly to validate what we already feel. Not that your story is in any way similar to my friend's story, but I want to share with you how what might be viewed as unambiguous for some could be viewed as mixed signals to others...

I have a dear friend who is thoughtful, spiritual, kind, caring and simply wonderful. She used to be in love with one of her best male friends who was very kind, loving, and affectionate with her, strictly as a friend. He knew how she felt about him and told her in no ambiguous terms at he could never love her romantically. However, he never stopped loving her as a friend and was always nice to her, which she saw as a mixed signal. It was very painful for us to watch her getting hurt over and over him because she saw his every nice friendly gesture as a hopeful sign that he loved her romantically. People didn't know how to tell her that he was not interested in her the way for fear of hurting her feelings... Even though he was nothing but kind and nice to her, he eventually became a heartless, bad guy for hurting her feelings over and over in her and many of her friends' eyes... 

I also had my H telling me that he was no longer in love with me, in my marriage. While I was not sure whether I really loved him or was in love with him, it still hurt to hear that. No women would want to hear that no matter how bad the relationship was going. We had come very close to calling it quits twice. At one time, my H actively looked for a place so he could move out, and we had even made a verbal arrangement of splitting our time for DD. After he had made an arrangement to move out, I got really scared, cried and asked him to stay to work on our relationship. He did, even though he was reluctant in the beginning... 

Until recently, I struggled with my own ambivalent feelings toward him and didn't really care about him. Our marriage woes continued. When I consciously decided to love him recently, my feelings of love followed. My H is very appreciative of my change (he calls it a miracle) and shows his appreciation by loving me back. I am not a saint, and I know that I would not have been able to change my feelings if my H didn't show any interest in improving our relationship. I did what I did first and foremost for myself because I wanted to be in a loving and happy relationship. I didn't change for him. I chose a path that was most loving to myself first. I received what I gave.

I'd like to ask you what would be the most loving and kind thing that you can do for yourself. Do you deserve to be in a loving and happy relationship? You can love your partner unconditionally, but if he doesn't want to be in a loving relationship with you after 2 years of trying, you have a choice to make. What would be the most kind and loving decision you can make for yourself now? You now know that you are capable of loving someone deeply and unconditionally. Don't you think that you deserved to be loved unconditionally?

Many hugs to you.


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