# I lost the man that I love over a year ago



## kben (Jun 22, 2011)

I haven't been able to gather the strength to tell anyone this, so I hope that this site will provide some kind of catharsis for what I have been feeling. Sorry if this is too long.

I've known my Husband since we were children. I remember that he would sit alone in class and I was one of the few kids that would talk to him. So we were already very close before we started dating. I think that after I went through some bad relationships (I was young and stupid) I decided that I wanted a change. So I asked him and he accepted. I was his first girlfriend as he was very shy and I know that I liked to playfully tease him about that.

We dated for just over five years, all through college before we decided to get married. It was a very small wedding, just us and some close friends and family. I can safely say that it was the happiest day of my life though.

So the first fourteen years of our marriage were as normal as a marriage can get. Some ups and downs but nothing too bad compared to our friends. I was a stay-at-home mom raising our beautiful daughter, while my Husband worked as an engineer. When the recession hit, he ended up getting laid off. It wasn't the best environment to get another job, so we took a pretty big financial blow. In retrospect, I think that this is when the cracks in our marriage started to form.

2008 was a lucky year for us though. I managed to get a part-time desk job while my husband managed to pull some strings and get rehired. He had to work longer hours, and he got an unfortunate pay cut. So we were both becoming more distant throughout all of this.

At the beginning of 2009 my mother died. I fell into a very severe depression and I think that I grew resentful because my Husband spent so much time glued to his job and less time with his family. It's not an excuse. It's just how I felt. I guess that I had managed to convince myself that an affair would make him understand that the marriage would end at the rate it was going because my words weren't saying enough. So I started a two month affair with one of my co-workers. My Husband managed to catch a message that I had left on my work-computer while he was reformatting it. He got the rest when I confessed everything. We decided to keep it between us. I got over the co-worker surprisingly quickly. I knew what I was about to lose.

When I look back on it now, I know that when my Husband discovered my affair, he had changed in a way that I couldn't understand. It's one of those things that you don't really get at the time but something you realise much later.

So all of 2009 and early 2010 was a mess. We were basically the opposite of the happy couple we started as. But I think that around February of last year he started really building himself back up. Thinking about his future, and where he and I stood. He started spending more time with our daughter and making up for lost time.

During all this, I was working hard to regain his trust, and support him. Doing whatever I could to save what we had. I loved him despite my actions saying otherwise. I won't minimise my actions, but I was in a bad place in my life. And I did acknowledge that I had crossed a line that I couldn't go back on. Reconciliation was slow and difficult for both of us. We both had to swallow a lot of pride. I had to deal with a lot of guilt over my affair. Hurting him is not something that I was proud of.

In April, my Husband said that he needed some space, and that the decision on whether to divorce me, or continue with where we were going was too much pressure for him right now. So he left for a motel for a few days. He took his own life. 

For anyone who thinks of me as a monster, I want to say that the feelings that I have will stay with me for the rest of my life, and it's not something that I would wish on my worst enemy. Unless you have been there, feeling like you're responsible for the death of somebody that you love is indescribable. I don't think that I would be alive today if I didn't have a daughter to love.

I didn't post this for sympathy or pity. I just want to say that it isn't worth it. It isn't worth hurting somebody that you love.


----------



## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Wow. Good for you for posting this. It does not read to me like you are looking for sypmathy. Did you ever seek any counseling to deal with all this? That said, you seem to be able to articulate what happend in very reasonable way. Best wishes moving forward.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Sobering words. A reminder of the awfulness of infidelity. A lot of us can relate to it.

The only thing that kept me from stepping into the void when I found out about my wife's affair was my wish to protect my children from her destructiveness.

I fought those feelings for a year. 

I am sorry for your loss and how it came about.


----------



## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

I applaud your bravery in sharing your story with us. I am sorry for your loss and wish you only the best for your future.
Please take care.


----------



## kben (Jun 22, 2011)

Locard said:


> Wow. Good for you for posting this. It does not read to me like you are looking for sypmathy. Did you ever seek any counseling to deal with all this? That said, you seem to be able to articulate what happend in very reasonable way. Best wishes moving forward.


"I had an affair, and my husband killed himself because of it."

I don't think I could ever say that to another human being. Not in person.


----------



## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

OMG kben, how awful for you. I hope you can understand that you are NOT responsible for his death. He chose that. I'm sure his despair (and I do believe suicide is an act of rage) was was fueled by many things. Please get some grief counseling so his act doesn't destroy two lives. I'll keep you in my prayers.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

_When I look back on it now, I know that when my Husband discovered my affair, *he had changed in a way that I couldn't understand*._

In what way?

First let me say, you are not responsible for his death, even if you feel extreme guilt over your cheating. That was a decision he made on his own.

As someone who has been both the betrayed and the betrayer, I can definitely say, like you, it is NEVER worth it. 

I do hope you heal and that is a really awful thing that happened to your husband. Just heart-wrenching. Your daughter needs you to be there for her so be the best mom you can be for her. 

Get some counselling to help you work through this.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

kben said:


> "I had an affair, and my husband killed himself because of it."
> 
> I don't think I could ever say that to another human being. Not in person.


Nobody said that.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

It's been awhile since I posted anything on the board, but this story was just too shocking and sad. 

I agree with the others, that your husband chose to do what he did. The fact that he had a daughter and killed himself makes him very selfish, in my book. In the end, suicide is a selfish act. There are countless people on here who have dealt with being betrayed and have sought help, healed. You seemed to be remorseful for your affair well before he took his own life, which makes this a little :scratchhead:

Given he was shy before, he may have already had deep seeded tendencies like this. Be there for your daughter, seek God.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Very sad. You dealt with your guilt over what you did to him. He chose not to deal with it. Grieve the loss, but the blame is not yours. His CHOICE. 

God forgives, not somethings, but EVERYTHING. Please seek or continue counseling.


----------



## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Chilling story. 

No way I could ever take my own life, but I told my wife the other day that I think I would rather die than deal with the pain of finding out about her affair. It is indescribable.


----------



## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

Having been where your husband was and nearly taking that final step, I can tell you that you need to forgive yourself. By the time I was making actual plans, I wasn't even thinking about her anymore. Just that I wanted the pain to be over. 

I was fortunate that I never acted on it. I'm sorry that your husband was not. But you need to get strong IC and learn to let yourself get past it, if not for you then for your kids.

Be strong.


----------



## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Twistedheart said:


> Chilling story.
> 
> No way I could ever take my own life, but I told my wife the other day that I think I would rather die than deal with the pain of finding out about her affair. It is indescribable.


I said the same thing to my wife.


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Chills me to the bone. Like SM and lm, this was almost me, too after my first wife left. Placing the barrel of a 12 gauge shotgun into your mouth is a very, very enlightening experience. Fortunately for me, the phone rang, and a good family friend who'd suffered divorce figured he would call me "just to check on me, because he'd been there". He still does not know he most certainly saved my life.

When I learned of my second wife's affair some 51 days ago the only thing that kept me from completing that action I'd begun 12 years before it was the fact that I now had a son that I clearly love more than myself. Yet I wonder.

Thanks for sharing. Sobering.


----------



## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

Not minimizing the effects of affairs on women, but as a man, I can tell you, learning about infidelity, takes a part of your masculinity away and it doesn't come back. You feel like you are less of man in the eyes of the woman you love. Men, in general, have a very fragile ego despite what they say. I am sure he internalized the affair, seeking out reasons as to what he did to cause you to stray, like I did and many, many men do but few admit to it. 

To all you women out there who think cheating is no big deal, take heed. It does far more damage to the men you have married then you can ever possibly imagine. And I believe, they never truly recover. They just learn to cope. 

This story is very sad and really represents the absolute worst case scenario. I do hope you seek counseling. My deepest sympathies (and I do sincerely mean that) for your terrible loss.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Corkey88 said:


> Not minimizing the effects of affairs on women, but as a man, I can tell you, learning about infidelity, takes a part of your masculinity away and it doesn't come back. You feel like you are less of man in the eyes of the woman you love.


Women feel this exact way. Like they weren't "woman enough" for their guy to cheat on them. It makes you feel like less of a woman, like somehow you didn't stack up.


----------



## Voiceofreason (Mar 6, 2011)

kben said:


> "I had an affair, and my husband killed himself because of it."
> 
> I don't think I could ever say that to another human being. Not in person.


As the others have said, he made his choice, just like a disloyal spouse makes a choice to have an affair even in the face of a horrible marriage. Importantly, you can and should say what you need to a trained counselor who has an ethical duty to keep your confidences. You have been given a huge load to bear and you really should get help with a trained counselor for your sake and your daughter's sake. This is not a burden to bear by yourself, even with the assistance of the kind people on this forum.

I wish you well Kben.


----------



## Voyager (May 23, 2011)

I am so sorry, Kben. I pray you find strength and peace in yourself and in your daughter.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Deeply sorry for your loss, it was a real depressing story.

Please stay strong, for yourself and for your child.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I am with the others opinion that your dear departed husband's suicide was HIS decision. A sad and tragic choice at that but one that he is solely responsible for.

You MUST make the conscious decision to forgive yourself for your affair. You cannot depend on your feelings to attain forgiveness. Your rational side should lead your emotions like a mother leads her children. It won't happen overnight, but your emotions will eventually become synchronized with your rational side.

Please don't fall into the same trap your husband did. Seek professional help now. 

As much as this forum can offer you emotional support it is no substitute for qualified psychiatric treatment.

I wish you all the best.


----------



## jsmith (Nov 1, 2009)

I pray that God will wrap his arms around your family. ... I am sorry for your loss.


----------



## findingmyway (May 25, 2011)

I am truly sorry for your loss and wish you and your daughter well.
take care
FMW


----------



## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

My heart breaks for you. There are not enough words to express how sorry I am for the loss of your husband. 

Please don't feel like you are responsible for the decision your husband made. Go out and get grief counseling. You do have the right to grieve. I hope you know that. Your daughter needs you and needs you to be strong for her. The funny thing about having children, is once they're born, your life is forfeit to them until you raise them and set them free.


----------



## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

I feel for you. This is something that you will have to live with for the rest of your life. If I may ask- What of your daughter? Will you tell her the circumstances of your husbands death? If she were to find out on her own, I can only surmize that it would only add to your pain.


----------



## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

It wasn't your husband's choice. He faced a situation he couldn't cope with without professional help. He probably felt there was no choice but, to end the pain. It is what happens when someone feels helpless and everything looks hopeless. 

As a shy man he would probably have been highly sensitive and kind too but, he could only deal with the terrible situation forced upon him (and you) by third parties. Yes, that's right. Outside influences put financial pressure on your family. Our greedy bankers and self serving politicians have made a mess of things which unfortunately devastated your family and many other families too. 

Life seemed good until you had to work non stop to keep the grey wolf from the front door. That's when your problems started for you as a family as highlighted in your post.

You tried as many families have tried but, with the odds stacked against you communication in the relationship seems to have faltered. It's what happens in many relationships facing an issue that isn't properly discussed, or resolved within a marriage. Many here are likely to testify that communication in the end proved to be a problem.

Your husband was not selfish but, instead a very brave man. Selfish people don't take their own lives, very sad people and people in terrible despair do. Often it is seen as the only way out of the pain or despair when doors everywhere are closed and it all seems so hopefless and no-one cares. I know, I've been at that same place too. 

It is usually kind people unable to cope that find life traumas difficult to cope with. 

Like some others here facing a rollercoaster of emotional pain and financial fallout after infidelity has been exposed that's when all options are considered, including the one considered by your husband.

Every case is different with different circumstances. Some face everything at once; a house move or sale, the loss of a trusted spouse, then a sudden tailspin on their finances and sometimes no job too. Some people end up with no home and live with friends and lose everything including their businesses too all when dealing with infidelity. 

Paramore is facing moving out of the family farm to live in a mobile home with her kids while her husband lives the high life with another woman. Tearing the kids away from their farm must be heart wrenching. 

Your family has paid the price of the terrible pain from infidelity. Many of us do in different ways. The priority now is to look after your daughter. Take great care of her the best way possible so that no harm comes to her. She too will be suffering from this terrible event. 

We all makes choices in life. Sometimes very bad choices but, at the time not properly thought through. Choices often have unfortunate consequences. As many DS here will say, if only they knew the severe fallout beforehand they would never have embarked on an affair because it was simply not worth it. 

Perhaps we all need to look more at why our elected 'powers-that-be' create such economic havoc that leave many families vulnerable to the harsh realities of trying to survive foreclosures and very lean times that wreck chaos in our lives. 

Please don't take all the burden. Seek professional help. 

You can't turn the clock back. Just understand that betrayal is one of the most terribly painful experiences ever and unless one feels it, an onlooker, observer has little understanding of real pain. Not even DS' gets to know that much pain but, those suffering extreme remorse may come close.

Thank you so very much for sharing your infidelity story.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

This brought tears to my eyes. Laz. summed it up very well, as to your H.

Seems he was a very shy, nice person, who except for you was probably very lonely---He was I am sure a one woman man, and his sub-conscious, would not give him rest, in re: what happened.

Know this for a certainty---he is waiting for you on the other side---and many, many years from now you will go to him, he will be there, and the two of you will go on up to heaven, hand in hand, as the starry eyed couple you once were, when you both were young, and there was no one else in the world but the two of you.

Be good, and Stand Tall


----------



## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Sorry LAZ, suicide is the most selfish act possible. It relieves the person of the pain, but it leaves in it's wake a lot of destroyed people. The person doing it is only relieving their own problems and taking the easy way out. She is not responsible for his actions, he is. I too came way too close to this. What pulled me back was how it would affect my kids, dad, sisters, and believe it or not my WS. She did not deserve to be in that pain.

Kben - get help. I'm so sorry for your loss. Do not make yourself the reason for this.


----------



## Whirlewind810 (Jun 18, 2011)

Your story has touched me.. believe me. i am going through this right now with my wife...


----------



## kben (Jun 22, 2011)

Hey all, it's been a while guys.

I went to a therapist. I'm spending more time with my family and friends. They've all been very supportive.

I'm still not "over it", but I've been treated with such kindness for the past few months that it is hard for me not to be appreciative.

I was definitely in a bad place in my life but I survived and I learned from my mistakes.

So I just wanted to provide an update.


----------



## shazam (Nov 7, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> It's been awhile since I posted anything on the board, but this story was just too shocking and sad.
> 
> I agree with the others, that your husband chose to do what he did. The fact that he had a daughter and killed himself makes him very selfish, in my book. In the end, suicide is a selfish act. There are countless people on here who have dealt with being betrayed and have sought help, healed. You seemed to be remorseful for your affair well before he took his own life, which makes this a little :scratchhead:
> 
> Given he was shy before, he may have already had deep seeded tendencies like this. Be there for your daughter, seek God.


Not to add salt to wounds but i think his shyness had more to do with him feeling even more betrayed. As an introvert he was probably very selective of who he let into his life, so when she cheated it was even harder on him because she was one of the few people he trusted. Just my take as someone who is also introverted.


----------



## kben (Jun 22, 2011)

shazam said:


> Not to add salt to wounds but i think his shyness had more to do with him feeling even more betrayed. As an introvert he was probably very selective of who he let into his life, so when she cheated it was even harder on him because she was one of the few people he trusted. Just my take as someone who is also introverted.


You're right.

This is one of many issues that I've had to work through.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I see you're back. How are you and your daughter doing?


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

wow,

what a horrible story.

theres a lesson in there for all married people.

take notice.

you have shown a tremendois about of strenght to post your story.
thanks for sharing and may god bless you this christmass with peace.


----------



## kben (Jun 22, 2011)

morituri said:


> I see you're back. How are you and your daughter doing?


Much better. Thank you.


----------



## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

In due time you'll be back on your feet and you'll find a new guy to love and build a new life with


----------



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

As cheaters, we feel a lot of guilt, some of which we should. We could have been better mothers, wives, daughters etc. But your husband still chose the selfish way out.

I'm sure he had other sources of pain and the end result is tragic.

wishing you all the best


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Kben---good for you---hope you get thru the holiday season, and someday find yourself in a new relationship.

Your true love, is waiting for you, and someday you will be together again.


----------



## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Wow just wow. I have been near the samething after finding out and that week of her not wanting to change. But what help me at first was thinking that then she would have the kids full time with abusive OM. Could think of checking out with that. Also what help me was coming to Christ for help. This is what blew the fog away from my wife. You can call it a 180 or what ever but I promised the Man upstairs that I would not be the same person I was before and to follow Him.


----------

