# The XWW and "Why now?"



## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

Hello all...

I know that some of you are familiar with me. I was a regular at LS until it died from being overmoderated. And I'm now a regular at SI, although i "get in trouble" quite a bit there :grin2:. Been lurking here for over 2 years. Joined a couple days ago. My first impulse was to post this on SI, but i thought twice and decided to post it here. 

My XWW....I'll give some background. We were both 23 when we got married. Had our first daughter a year later. When she's 2 months old, my W confesses to a ONS with an ex while we were engaged. Not sure why she told me. I had a newborn, felt trapped, I stayed. 3 years later we had our second daughter who came out with a very messed up heart. We move to another city close to the hospital that's going to be taking care of her for the first few years of her life. We decide that I'll work 2 jobs and she will stay with the kids. We didn't want childcare with our youngest as we knew that we knew how to handle a cardiac event, and we didn't want to count on anyone else. This works really well until we get her into school, at which point i cut my hours way down at my second job and she starts working. 

After a year at her job, I catch her cheating with a co-worker. She begs me not to divorce her. Against every fiber in my body, I stay with her. She gets abusive in every possible way with our oldest which leads to huge fights between me and her. 3 years after dday1 I catch her cheating again. I tell her over the phone not to come home. She plays tough, says she doesn't want to. Stays at his house. She tells my youngest she's coming home in the morning. I circumvent that by filing 36 LARGE lawn bags with EVERYTHING she owns (aside from furniture) and i put them on his porch. After he falls into the pile and cuts his head and under his eye open, she decides to not come back. Ever. She doesn't even try for custody. 

The next day she wipes out our checking and savings. For the next two months I'm feeding my girls ramen, hot dogs, macaroni, stuff like that. Even with this, my girls are happier than they've been in years. 

I never got a dime from her in child support over the 12 years I had them on my own. She did try to come home several times saying he was mean, she made a mistake, she was sorry. F that. Wasn't going to be anyone's backup plan. 

Over those 12 years, I've found out thru her friends that she actually cheated on me a total of 6 or 7 times, some of them being months long affairs. I think 2 of them are the same indiscretion as told by 2 different ppl. Also found out that after I caught her cheating the first time, that she started witha new COW OM 3 weeks later. 

The past year or so, she's been trying to talk to me. It's been 15 years! I blocked her on everything long ago. My daughters say she wants to apologize to me. But i don't want to hear it. Both of my girls know I don't want to hear anything about her. My younger one is very respectful of that. The oldest one, the one she tortured, keeps trying to play meditator. I didn't get to see my oldest and her family this past Christmas bc she has 3 very small kids and her H was working out of town, so she didn't make the 2.5 hr drive to see us. Me and my wife (my REAL wife) are going to her place at the end of the month.

My youngest told me yesterday that her sister plans on giving me a letter from XWW when i get there. If she does I will rip it up and it will make things uncomfortable. But i don't care. She knows how i feel. 

Let me add that she hasn't changed over the years. She has cheated on her OM since shortly after I kicked her out. She's still a ****ty mother. And a ****ty grandmother who openly plays favorites hurting the feelings of the youngest who is 3. 

I just don't get it.... why now? After all these years, why now? She knows I hate her, so why even try? I will never forgive her. I guess I just wanted to vent about it. Thanks for listening and any thoughts are welcome.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

first, REALLY glad you finally dumped her (and I'm sure over the years you wish you had dumped her after the first one). She is clearly a POS and doesn't deserve an nanosecond of your time. You should tell your oldest that you have NO desire to read anything or have ANYTHING to do with your ExW. Her actions explained everything that you need to know, so what would be the point of it? Just to make HER feel better for some strange reason after all this time?
CERTAINLY will not do anything for you, so why would you do it?

EDT: I didn't know the back story, and if your daughter was abused, you may want to tone down the response to her so that it isn't so abrupt like I put it above. You can explain in a gentle way WHY you don't want the contact from your exW. Certainly don't want to trigger anything with your daughter. Show her you are the sane, stable parent.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

If your ex TRULY has remorse and feels sorry, she will respect your No contact desire. Your oldest, since she was abused, may have some issues of unhealthy connection with your ex, so that may be why she can be manipulated into being a go-between. She may not be capable of resisting your ex.

I would just take the letter without comment and then toss it when you get home. As someone who used to be unhealthily enmeshed in a parent's approval, ripping it in front of your daughter to prove a point will just her HER and do nothing to your ex. After all, it was your EX who cheated on you. And the daughter in question was abused. She needs one parent, even as an adult, she can feel safe with.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

GoldenR, the only thing that comes to mind is that she is trying to salve her conscience. Simply put, she has likely endured what she sees as 12 years of bad luck (all of her own making, of course), and she attributes that to her bad acts, and wants forgiveness as maybe that would turn her life around. I have seen this several times. In one case the WH's life was one drama after another. He attributed his lack of success at any thing subsequent to the breakup of the marriage to Karma. He had treated his ex horribly, and sought to make things right with the universe. His XBW had miles of grace and forgave him. Too bad that the universe never did. Turned out his bad luck was just reactions to his generally sketchy lifestyle and character. He did not enjoy one day of peace until he grew up, and stopped behaving like a horse's ass.

I would take the letter, and put it into my breast pocket and assure everyone that you will give it due consideration. I would give it to someone I trust implicitly to read, and give me the gist. If it is one more plea for forgiveness, or something to make her feel better about herself, then I would treat it to eternity in the circular file. If on the other hand it is a heartfelt apology, then maybe it would be worth extending an olive twig.

PS, I believe that you and I conversed at some point on SI, way back when I was a member, stupid, younger and less capable of rational discourse.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

It's on her conscious and she wants it gone, or her therapist requires it as one step in a 12 step cheating recovery attempt to remedy her serial cheating ways.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Hey, GoldenR it's really good to see you on here. I think this will be a good fit for you in comparison.

You know the only reason she is trying to reach out is to ease her own conscience. Just like all of the newly betrayed get told: "If you are accepting of an apology then what they did wasn't that bad". There is nothing in it for you, and unfortunately, if you accept that letter and your daughter tells your Ex you did, in her mind, it will be "you being OK with it" whether you read the letter or not. I'd just hand it back to your daughter with a "No Thanks". It also might not be a bad time to remind your daughter of the abuse your ex put her through, and ask her why she would want to play middleman for her.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

When your daughter tries to give you the letter tell her “If someone has repeatedly stabbed you in the back you don’t hand them a knife”
As everyone else has said,she is trying to salve her own conscience,it has nothing to do with your pain for all those years of putting up with her ****.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

GoldenR said:


> Hello all...
> 
> I know that some of you are familiar with me. I was a regular at LS until it died from being overmoderated. And I'm now a regular at SI, although i "get in trouble" quite a bit there :grin2:. Been lurking here for over 3 years. Joined a couple days ago. My first impulse was to post this on SI, but i thought twice and decided to post it here.


LOL. Afraid you'll summon the wrath of all their flying monkeys if you post on SI? And for what it's worth, LS is *still *over-moderated by the power hungry little gnome who shall remain nameless. 



> I never got a dime from her in child support over the 12 years I had them on my own. She did try to come home several times saying he was mean, she made a mistake, she was sorry. F that. Wasn't going to be anyone's backup plan.


LOL. I can see why they give you a hard time over on SI. You have *self respect *and you weren't willing to delude yourself into thinking that settling for so little by staying with her was a "success story." Good for you. 



> Let me add that she hasn't changed over the years.


Would it matter at all even if she DID change into a decent person? Maybe for her kids and grandkids, but that's about it.



> I just don't get it.... why now? After all these years, why now? She knows I hate her, so why even try? I will never forgive her. I guess I just wanted to vent about it. Thanks for listening and any thoughts are welcome.


 Maybe she's run out of stray men to entertain? I'll assume your kids are pretty much young adults by now so how very _convenient_ it is to suddenly want to show all her 'remorse' for being such a POS excuse for a mother all these years for deserting her own kids and not giving a rat's ass whether they were provided for or not. That's Mother of the Year stuff, right there. 

How do you keep from actually laughing right in her face when she has the audacity to think that you'd even consider the thought of wanting her worthless ass back in your life? Is she on drugs or something?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> If your ex TRULY has remorse and feels sorry, she will respect your No contact desire.


People like her don't have a CLUE what remorse really is. One who is capable of deserting her own children and wiping out both bank accounts on her way out - leaving the OP with no money to feed those deserted children- is the biggest piece of **** that's ever walked this green earth.

Anything she DOES is for her own benefit and hers* alone*. I'd burn her gratuitous unopened letter and send her the ashes. If she's lucky, they won't still be burning.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

GoldenR said:


> Hello all...
> 
> I know that some of you are familiar with me. I was a regular at LS until it died from being overmoderated. And I'm now a regular at SI, although i "get in trouble" quite a bit there :grin2:. Been lurking here for over 3 years. Joined a couple days ago. My first impulse was to post this on SI, but i thought twice and decided to post it here.
> 
> ...


First of all congratulations of skipping SI as with this kind of situation there would be people on there telling you she is a good candidate for R. :laugh:

So now in our unique style --

15 years and you still doing this huh? The answer to your question is why do you care? If you want to rip it up rip it up, if you want to read it read it. But allowing it to get the point where you need to post on a message board to vent shows that you are not thinking about your ex correctly.

Sounds like your kids are or almost are adults. So you really don't have to have any contact with her at all. So don't. Don't even talk to her if you can. Stop letting her have emotional space in your life. As long as she does she has some power over you. 

And yes this is all on you, not her. 

What's really going on here? 

By the way you did DNA test your kids right?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Welcome to this side of 'relationship-problem' internet, Golden R.

Clearly your XW is broken. No contact sounds like a fine arrangement. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@GoldenR,

My exH and I divorced in early 2000's because he was cheating and refused to stop. Since then he moved to the east coast, I'm on the west coast, and I don't give a rip about him. Don't wish him ill...just don't really think of him at all! 

Soooo...if after all these years (roughly 15+ like you) he was to write me a letter and give it to our youngest to give to me at our next meeting, I would not give a rip about what's in the letter. I think my honest response would be: "Umm...what would I want a letter for? I don't care" and then just politely say no thanks...and in my heart feel like "Nah, don't need it. Thanks. Buh bye." 

The thing that strikes me about your post is that 15+ years later, it matters to you. Good, bad, or otherwise, your ex still has some sort of emotional hold on you...as if you never just let go. 

Dude, my advice to you isn't about whether to take the letter or not. Who cares about the letter!? Nope, my advice is to let go of the ex!! Detach from her so you're at a point of indifference. Hate = some kind of feeling (detestable feeling, yeah, but feeling nonetheless). Why are you giving her ANYTHING--even if it's detesting her? Just give her nothing. No-Thing. Nada. Zip. 

I'm not advocating being hateful or hurtful. Just be neutral and detached.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Why are you letting this bother you ?
Take the letter read it or throw it away
She is your ex for a ton of reasons that 
you have posted here. Keep her out of
your life and mind as much as possible.

She seems to want to keep confessing 
everything to you, why ? Because you listen ?
Take care of yourself and your kids, forget her,
ignore her and move on. Let her deal with her own
conscience, live your life not hers.

You have taken charge of your life and been an adult 
raising your kids. Continue to be an adult and ignore
her and her issues. It is not really worth your time 
or energy to let this bother you. Your better off without
her in your life,and mind keep it that way.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Perhaps just return the letter unopened in the way least harmful to daughters. No smart aleck rhetoric needed.

And stop dwelling on it. This is key.

Now, easier said than done perhaps but you've been doing it, so maybe not so hard. With 15 yes past, you know her terrible actions and bad life choices since.

You know this in her mind is still all about her, right? Maybe 15 added yrs passed and she can't get men as easy as she used to or she's planning making on her life easier by "making up" or both. 

Perhaps you're having a bit of enjoying her attention. Forget that, this is likely poison for you. You may have some inkling of maybe wanting to bed her once more. Remember the poison? That wouldn't be worth it.

She would hold that over you when you dump her after.

Our minds can rationalize anything given enough time. 

Your time spent either hearing from her or dwelling on what to do at this point is wasted time. Let this pass, without fuss or drama.

If you dwell on it you run the risk of contributing to creating drama you and family don't need or want. 

You know what to do. 

Best of luck.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

colingrant said:


> It's on her conscious and she wants it gone, *or her therapist requires it as one step in a 12 step cheating recovery* attempt to remedy her serial cheating ways.


And even if this is true, the step says to make amends UNLESS doing so would cause further harm. In this case, I think further harm is a given.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

I agree with others that she wants to clean things up for her benefit. As the major injured party you’re like the only priest in the world that can absolve her of her sins. She could say to the world: “My husband forgave me why can’t you”?

There was a case where the WW got a divorce and married her OM. She was soon pregnant and had a kid with the OM. 

She had a teenage son with her first husband (BH) that played football. The WW would attend their son’s game with her OM (now husband) and baby. Her ex husband refused to sit with them in the stands.

This upset her greatly. It was a visual display to the town of the bad things she had done. What she wanted was a visual display of them sitting together as one big happy family. That would indicate better than any words that what she did wasn’t that bad after all.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Wow, OP sounds like you and I had the same wife at one time. 
Feel for ya. Glad your heads on straight and you have the situation under control.
Mine is starting to act fishy as well and shes been gone almost a year.
Good luck to you.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Glad you are here, like other have said... 

You are way farther out than even I am. And the anwer to the question is who know better yet, who cares. 

My Ex was not as bad as yours in the cheating dept, but worse in other ways. 

I actually had to tell her a year or so ago I think, please don't talk to me about your difficulties in life. 

"What you don't seem to understand is that I don't give a ****, about any of your problems, at all, even in the slightest." 

I was pissed that I even had to tell her that...


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

GoldenR, I think Skinner called Spontaneous Recovery, or something like that. I don't know what LS is. But anyway, as others have conveyed, you are the safe, responsible parent. Right! Have nothing to do with her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Do the daughters see much of her? Why does the older daughter let her mother treat her own children in that way. Playing favourites?There is no way that I would have anything to do with a family member who did that.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Tell her to go **** the one person within 500 miles she probably hasn’t already —

Herself.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Open the envelope, wipe your butt with the letter and put it back in the envelope tell her your reply is in the envelope.


Yes this is bad advice......but just the thought of doing this just might put a smile on your face.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Do the daughters see much of her? *Why does the older daughter let her mother treat her own children in that way.* Playing favourites?There is no way that I would have anything to do with a family member who did that.


Because some abused children, as adults, still have that inner unhealed child that yearns for a mom that loves them ... so they continue to tolerate the crap.

Therapy is the way to overcome this.


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

Thanks for the replies. I work nights and sleep during the day, so I'm back now. 

To answer some questions...

My girls are now 25 and 28.

Why is she still on my mind? She's not normally. But between the births of grandkids, grandkids' birthday parties and my youngest's heart surgeries, I wind up seeing her 4-5 times a year, so it's hard to totally forget about her. And OM tries to me my best friend every time I'm around him which is weird. 

I'll let you in on how the years have not effected her at all. About a year and a half ago, my daughter had a huge heart surgery. XWW contacted me thru a fake fb account she has (smmfh) and told me that she was taking two weeks off of work and that she was going to stay with her the entire time. From the day she was born, other than delivering her, I've been the one that stayed with her in the hospital. The first 90 days of her life I was there with her. XWW wouldn't stay. It was too much for her and I shouldn't ask her to do it if I cared about her. Barf! I told her that our daughter was grown, that she could decide who she wanted there. 

A couple days later my daughter comes to see me. Says her mom wants to stay with her for her entire stay. She tells me she doesn't want her. She wants me. I told her she needed to tell her mom that. She said that her mom says she wants to be there for her, that she knows she never has been before, and wants a chance to do this. She said she'll think about it. Several days later she calls me, says she's gonna let her stay with her. She was very worried about hurting my feelings. I told her to relax, I was fine. It really was kind of a relief to not have to spend a couple weeks there getting exhausted, and I always wind up sick one i get home from those stays. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem staying with her indefinitely if needed. 

Surgery day comes, and i stay overnight in the waiting room just to make sure she makes it thru the most critical hours after the surgery. They tell us around noon that she's looking good. I say bye and head home 2.5 hrs away. 

That next morning my ex calls me. She has to leave after 1 week bc work needs her. I say ok, I'll take over if needed, as she could be released by then if no complications. I get a call the next day (friday) saying she has to leave on Monday bc of work. I say I'll be there. She then calls me Sunday morning that she's leaving now. She was crying. I didn't want to hear it and I hung up, packed and headed out to staywith my daughter. 

I get the and my daughter is happy to see me. After settling down my daughter tells me, "Dad, if I wake you up tonight, I'm sorry. I'm getting massive migraines from one of the meds they're giving me and they haven't figured out which one. It makes me super nauseated and I throw up from the pain, and the throwing up really hurts my chest from where they cracked me open." I asked her where this apology was coming from, that In was there too help her however she needed it and to not worry about me. She said her mom was getting VERY pissed off at her for waking her up with her crying. She said her mom told her that it was all part of her recovering and to just take the pain and stop waking her up. Needless to say I was enraged. That night she woke me up crying, shaking, pale as a ghost. So I sat next to her, put her head in my chest and held her. She hugged me so hard. Turns out the work story was all bull****. She just didn't like not being able to get a good night's sleep. 

Same old XWW. 

With the grandkids, she thinks that by favoring my oldest's kids, that that somehow makes up for the abuse she doled out on her as a kid. My oldest has a 6 yr old and a 5 yr old. My youngest has a 3 yr old. She will let the older 2 take anything away from him that they want. In fact, she will make him give his own toys to the other 2. He doesn't understand what's going on, why she is treating him unfairly. My youngest said she's never going back to visit her mom after what went on this past Christmas visit. 

She's a *****. Plain and simple. 

She started trying to reach out to me about a year ago. And I think what someone said was right, she uses her ****ed up relationship with my oldest to try to connect with me. 

My daughters tell me that OM asked her to marry him recently after all these years. She said yes, but didn't want to but felt she had to as she lives with him and neither daughter will let her stay with them. She's also recently told my oldest daughter her version of why we broke up, the typical we had grown apart, we were both unhappy, and nothing happened with her and OM until we separated. I simply told my oldest, "You were there. You know better", and left it at that. 

Yes, I still hate her. I doubt that will every go away.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

She sounds like a truly rotten piece of ****, especially in regards to her youngest grandchild. It takes a crappy ass "adult" to bully a 3 year old.


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

Rubix Cubed said:


> She sounds like a truly rotten piece of ****, especially in regards to her youngest grandchild. It takes a crappy ass "adult" to bully a 3 year old.




Yeah.... she really is. And the 3 year old is the sweetest of them all. It's crazy. Thankfully, his mom is a firecracker and she lit into her mom like a lion protecting her cubs. She says it was ugly.


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

And yes, both girls were DNA tested long ago. They're both biologically mine.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She really is a vile person.

Sounds like a woman I know.

She only started acting like a more decent person after she had a stroke which for want of a better term "reset" her personality.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

GoldenR said:


> I just don't get it.... why now? After all these years, why now?


People get older and they reflect. Her life is **** and she knows it. As she reflects she realizes her life was at its best with you. She's missing that and at very least wants to apologize or at very worst would want to start something with you even though you're married. Considering what you know about her, that she still cheats on her man-du-jour, I'd say you are smart to keep her out of your life as much as possible.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

GoldenR,
Your ex sounds like my bf's ex. She made a brilliant career playing one kid against the other, then followed it up with one grandkid against the others. Then, her bull was exposed. Now, the kids and the grandkids go to my bf's and his new wife's house for all of the holidays, they do not give the ex a moment of thought. She is free now to do whatever she wants with all of her free time, after all, random dates with men that use and abuse you, drinks with the gf's while plotting to steal their husbands and general sh8ttyness take up a load of time.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Do the daughters see much of her? Why does the older daughter let her mother treat her own children in that way. Playing favourites?There is no way that I would have anything to do with a family member who did that.



This is very easy to say if you have not grown up with the kind of unhealthy dynamic where your mother kind of....stole you agency through manipulation from a very young age.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

After reading your update sounds like all of the kids
and probably everybody else knows who they can rely 
on. You for sure. Keep being the obvious grown loving 
and caring adult you are. If she wants to talk or give you 
a letter then say ok and end the discussion there. 

She wants to clear up everything she has done so far
I guess to make room for more maybe. This person is 
not worth your or anybodies time. OM wanted her he 
got her, be glad she is out of your life.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Is there a weensie small chance that the letter you didn't want to receive had a check paying back all the child support that she should have years ago?


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

My estimation? She is a parasite and a narcissist. She left for the OM. What is it, 20 years? OM has just asked her to marry? She knows what she pissed away. She knows that she is a disgusting human being. She knows that she is "LESS" than you. It grates on her, but she has little to no idea how to be a decent human being. She is a bundle of immature wants and needs, and I can tell you one thing, and this is the reason we are good people of good character and nature: When she dies, she will not be remembered fondly. She will be remembered for the bad stuff, and given short shrift in her children's memories. I have been around a client who was terminal. He had done ****e to his wife. He had treated his children with disdain. He remarried and flaunted it. Then, when his children had married and had their own children, he could not figure out why his children and grandchildren would have nothing to do with him. His current wife was constantly reaching out on his behalf, but finally, finally, finally one of his children had enough of the emotional blackmail used to try to establish a relationship whether the intended target wanted it or not. His new wife was told of the horrendous and monstrous way he treated his family while he was in the affair, and how he discounted them when he married the next wife. They did not even know when he left that wife and married the current wife. She got a great education in a little under an hour. She told her husband that he will never be remembered as a dear father who was the head of the family and acted the role. He will be remembered as an angry and petty man who abandoned his family for something little better than a streetwalker. He was told that even though he is terminal, it is really late to reform your image. You cannot commit felonies and expect complete forgiveness, people are just not made that way.


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

I appreciate everyone's input. 

I'll take the letter. And then throw it away in private. 

I'm also going to have a long talk with my oldest about doing this for her mom. I'm going to remind her of the abuse. And I'm going to tell her to never play middleman again with her mom and me.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

Nevermind. I read the second page.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

In your case, you should just look at your ex wife like Herpes. A venereal disease you're stuck with till death with the unfortunate occasional outbreak. Sucks but you've had it for 12 years now. Just keep doing what you've been doing. Seems to have worked out for the most part.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I have a morbid curiosity about the letter. She is so trashy that I'm dying to see just how much lower she can go. Wanna bet that the letter gives a litany of excuses and a list of your shortcomings that led to her behavior? But we'll never know. I guess that's the thing with trash. When the can tips over and a paper falls out you just stuff it back in without looking at it.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Read the letter. If you have held on to hate this long, then read it. Maybe it will help.

Your xww is a piece of work. But dude, if you are still hating her, then you have some unresolved issues or something. She's a crap mother. Check. She was a crap wife. Check. She is a crappy grandmother. Check. Why hate someone like that? You can say it is because of what she did to your kids, but that is deflecting.

I have some really crappy people in my life who have betrayed be. Not just disappointed but betrayed. They are crappy people. I feel towards them like I feel towards the junkie who asks me for money to feed their habit. Mildly annoyed that they are trying to hustle me for my hard earned money, wary of them getting close to me because they might do something stupid, and resigned to the fact that they are in the throes of their addiction.

You ex is addicted to lying, manipulation, deceit and selfishness. She cannot help it. That is who she has always been. You were blind to it when you married her and when you took her back. Move to indifference. Annoyance. Anything but hate. Also, read the letter. 

I think the most devastating thing to let her hear, assuming she apologizes, is, "you don't owe me any apologies, explanations, or anything. I forgave myself for getting involved with you."


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Dear EX,

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. I wish you as much happiness together as I have found with my wife.

Please take me off of your list of contacts. 

Sincerely,

GoldenR


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Golden R
I would not throw it away, summarily. I would have a trusted friend read it, and give you the Readers Digest version. If it is just pandering looking for forgiveness for crimes committed years ago, then your friend can just tell you it was meaningless, if however there is something of substance that you need to know, then you will be advised of same. Just for protection's sake.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Information is power. The letter is information.

Take it.

Read it.

Then toss it.


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## Tell me more lies (Oct 10, 2018)

Golden R

I would read the letter, there may be some information that will help you get out of hate and into indifference, and if a response is needed perhaps something like this:

That is interesting.

or 

I see things differently.

or 

It is unfortunate you feel this way.

Whatever you decide to do, we will support you.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

The letter reminds me of what my ex said to me just a month after she left. "One day I'll tell you everything."
I say don't read it. No good can ever come from it. If she had anything of substance to say, she would have said it long ago. 
Leave her to own her demons.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Take the letter from your daughter just to end the drama that “trying to get in touch with you” is causing. Read it in private if you want, it may be good for a few laughs. Or don’t and burn it. Either way, don’t respond or react. Thinking you received it and have nothing to say will kill her. 

Don’t remind your daughter about the abuse - she remembers - but her relationship with her mother is not yours to dictate. I think she might take your comments as criticism and she probably doesn’t need that.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Taxman said:


> Golden R
> I would not throw it away, summarily. I would have a trusted friend read it, and give you the Readers Digest version. If it is just pandering looking for forgiveness for crimes committed years ago, then your friend can just tell you it was meaningless, if however there is something of substance that you need to know, then you will be advised of same. Just for protection's sake.


Better than that, mail the letter to her new love interest.... :laugh:


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Tatsuhiko said:


> I have a morbid curiosity about the letter. She is so trashy that I'm dying to see just how much lower she can go. Wanna bet that the letter gives a litany of excuses and a list of your shortcomings that led to her behavior? But we'll never know. I guess that's the thing with trash. When the can tips over and a paper falls out you just stuff it back in without looking at it.


I feel the same way, does that make us bad people? I would really like to know what she says in the letter. 

Yes, yes, I think it makes us bad people in a way, but I still want to know what the letter says. 

It could give us interesting insight to the mind of a sociopath....


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Wipe your ass with the letter and mail it back to her.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

The letter will only be about the things you are aware of probably.
It will not include the things she will do in the future however.
She has a well established pattern.

I think it is very wrong for her to try and get your kids involved in
all of her drama, and issues. I would not care what the letter said 
either as long as she leaves your family ( the one she abandoned )
alone. 

Stop hating her, tell her you are over things and live a great life.
Her misery is her own doing and let her deal with herself. Show her what
a great life she missed out on with you.

That will be the best revenge!!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Both daughters should just cut her out of their lives completely. Good that neither one will take her in, that's awesome. I feel bad that she treated your youngest like that in the hospital, I cant wrap my brain around that. 

Regarding any letter, just refuse to take it. Otherwise she will hound your D about did you get it, your reaction to it, etc, and she doesn't need that crap. She is doing this because her life is crap, plain and simple.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Wipe your ass with the letter and mail it back to her.


And waste a perfectly good stamp?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Red Sonja said:


> Because some abused children, as adults, still have that inner unhealed child that yearns for a mom that loves them ... so they continue to tolerate the crap.
> 
> Therapy is the way to overcome this.


Yes I get that, but to put your own children though what you went through? We are supposed to protect our children.


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

After reading thru the responses, I've decidedto read it. While i expect nothing worthwhile, especially after her version of why we got divorced that she told my oldest just a short time ago. 

And you guys are right, I need to put her in my rearview mirror. But the birthday parties suck as her OM follows me around and won't stfu acting like we're best friends. Someone once suggested to me that he does that bc now that he knows the real her, he looks at me as the only other one that really knows the crazy. Idk...


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

GoldenR said:


> After reading thru the responses, I've decidedto read it. While i expect nothing worthwhile, especially after her version of why we got divorced that she told my oldest just a short time ago.
> 
> And you guys are right, I need to put her in my rearview mirror. But the birthday parties suck as her OM follows me around and won't stfu acting like we're best friends. Someone once suggested to me that he does that bc now that he knows the real her, he looks at me as the only other one that really knows the crazy. Idk...


Is this the same guy she cheated with? If so tell him "You wanted her, you've got her. And by the way - thank you for taking her."


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

TDSC60 said:


> Is this the same guy she cheated with? If so tell him "You wanted her, you've got her. And by the way - thank you for taking her."


Same guy. Lol. And I've said that to him. Several times. And he cracks up laughing every time. Crazy thing, my youngest, e who couldn't careless about OM, says that he's great with her son, where mom, who is blood related to him, is ****ty.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Maybe he feels guilty about having an affair with a married woman and is looking for forgiveness from you.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Give him the old " We're not friends so don't act like we are. The only reason you aren't pushing up daisies is that I don't want to go back to the pen". That should get the message across clearly.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Your X is a serial cheater! Make no mistake about that!

Have you legally divorced her yet? You will need to!

Get legal custody of those girls and keep every piece of correspondence from her because you will need that in a courtroom setting!

And in most locales, she can be criminally charged with cleaning out a joint bank account and ordered to pay restitution or go to jail! *


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

arbitrator said:


> *Your X is a serial cheater! Make no mistake about that!
> 
> Have you legally divorced her yet? You will need to!
> 
> ...


We are divorced. They are both in their 20s now.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My I suggest you send her a letter.....

Take a blank sheet of paper fold it up and seal it in the envelope and have your kid give it to your ex.

Tell your kid here is your response to their mother!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

GoldenR said:


> Same guy. Lol. And I've said that to him. Several times. And he cracks up laughing every time. Crazy thing, my youngest, e who couldn't careless about OM, says that he's great with her son, where mom, who is blood related to him, is ****ty.


Why does she let her mum treat her own children like that?


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Why does she let her mum treat her own children like that?


This has just recently started, Thanksgiving and then Christmas. Before that, XWW was very loving towards him. 

On Thanksgiving, it was mild mistreatment. My daughter and XWW had some words about it. Christmas she was really ****ty and it was WWIII


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

GoldenR said:


> Thanks for the replies. I work nights and sleep during the day, so I'm back now.
> 
> To answer some questions...
> 
> ...


She's a fd up individual, plain and f'n simple. Your daughter's experience says everything I need to know. I've always said, you can find out more about the SO/Spouse/Mother/Father, etc. when you're sick and helpless than any other time. Takes unconditional love, empathy, patience and unwavering selflessness 24/7. Not one iota of 'I' is thought of. I found out about my wife's love for me after I herniated my disk (lower back) and could barely move any part of my body for 2 weeks. The only thing in the world I cared about was the time I could take my next round of 600 MG of Motrin. I either stared at the ceiling or the time clock. I never waited the prescribed 6 hours. Sliced it down to 4 hours. PAIN PERSONIFIED! Wife stepped up.


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## Randy2 (Jul 19, 2016)

Thanks in advance for tolerating underinformed me. I did google them and didn't come up with what looked like appropriate definitions. So what does XWW mean? And what/where on the web are SI and LS?


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

Randy2 said:


> Thanks in advance for tolerating underinformed me. I did google them and didn't come up with what looked like appropriate definitions. So what does XWW mean? And what/where on the web are SI and LS?


XWW = ex wayward wife

SI = survivinginfidelity.com

LS = loveshack.org


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

GoldenR said:


> After reading thru the responses, I've decidedto read it. While i expect nothing worthwhile, especially after her version of why we got divorced that she told my oldest just a short time ago.
> 
> And you guys are right, I need to put her in my rearview mirror. But the birthday parties suck as her OM follows me around and won't stfu acting like we're best friends. Someone once suggested to me that he does that bc now that he knows the real her, he looks at me as the only other one that really knows the crazy. Idk...


Just make sure you are prepared for a lot of rug-sweeping and blame deflection. The chances on it being - "It was all my fault, I am sorry I did this to you." are slim, especially as you describe your wife today. 

It you do get the "It wasn't really my fault" letter just make sure it isn't going to ruin your day. If it might I suggest you don't read it, because at this point how terrible will it be if she can still ruin your day even years later. Don't ever give her that power again.

Sounds like your wife has some sort of personality disorder. Did you already say this? I don't remember.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

NM


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

sokillme said:


> Just make sure you are prepared for a lot of rug-sweeping and blame deflection. The chances on it being - "It was all my fault, I am sorry I did this to you." are slim, especially as you describe your wife today.
> 
> It you do get the "It wasn't really my fault" letter just make sure it isn't going to ruin your day. If it might I suggest you don't read it, because at this point how terrible will it be if she can still ruin your day even years later. Don't ever give her that power again.
> 
> Sounds like your wife has some sort of personality disorder. Did you already say this? I don't remember.


I expect the same old same old from her. It will have no effect on me. I only get frustrated when she ****s on my daughters and now my grandson also. 

Does she have a personality disorder? Idk.... is being an eternal ****y ***** a personality disorder?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Did you read the letter?
If so what was the gist of it?


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Did you read the letter?
> If so what was the gist of it?


Weekend after next is when I'll be going to visit my daughter.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

So the letter is being delivered by your daughter?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

GoldenR said:


> I expect the same old same old from her. It will have no effect on me. I only get frustrated when she ****s on my daughters and now my grandson also.
> 
> Does she have a personality disorder? Idk.... is being an eternal ****y ***** a personality disorder?


Depends on who you ask.

We used to just call *******s *******s.

Now everything is a “disorder”.

Buncha bull**** IMO.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Used to be "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me".

However now, in the era of the Snowflake ... "Sticks and stones may break my bones" ... don't worry about it. Antifa-types get off with a slap on the wrist. BUT "names will never hurt me" ... Oh Hell No! You'll be crucified over that! 5 to 10 in the slammer most likely.


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

I got the letter this past Saturday. Read it along with my wife Sunday evening once we got back home. 

"GoldenR -

You have avoided me for a while now, I thought it was a coincidence that you weren't showing up to parties unless I wasn't there, but the girls tell me not so. I've wanted to speak to you for so long now. And now that I've decided to do it the old fashioned way, I don't know what to write. 

So much time has passed, but you've never softened towards me. I get it. You can't stand me. I can't stand me either. 

I cheated on you. Many times, and the last time, for a long time. I'm still with him, as you know. I find it odd that you seem to like him more than you do me. But then again, why wouldn't you? I'm babbling...

I am sorry that I treated you so poorly during our marriage. You were working 2 jobs so that way I wouldn't have to, as we wanted to endure that one of us was always home with (daughter with heart problems), and it was easier and more economical for you to work 2 jobs and me not work at all. I had no discipline, and let myself get involved with other men several times. I was stupid. But I had post partum depression. Had I known that I had it I could have gotten it treated and I never would have cheated on you. I know that you told me I had it, but I didn't listen. All I wanted to do was argue and make you sad. I guess it worked.

When you told me to never come home, I wanted so badly to come running home and hold you. But my stubborn pride wouldn't let me. I waited too long, and then you found someone else. Someone nice. Someone the girls loved more than me. I was so jealous of her, and of you. You were a better parent than I could ever hope to be, and so was she. So I lashed out. Again and again. Making you despise me even more. You now had someone else to fully give yourself too, only she was reciprocating it back to you, where I never did. God how I wish things were different. 

Once I started taking my meds, it was like my mind slowly became clear, and I was horrified at how i treated you and the girls. And I started despising (OM). Unfortunately I'm stuck with him forever it seems, as I have nowhere to go, no living family except the girls and they won't let me live with them, so I'm trying to make the best of it with (OM).

The point of my letter to you is to say that I AM SORRY. FOR EVERYTHING. I know that you will never forgive me, and neither will I. I know we will never be friends, but maybe we can be friendly enough to both attend our grandkids' parties. They deserve to have you there. 

You're the best man I have ever known. 

i hope hope to hear back from you,

Gina"


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

She forgot about cheating on my when we were engaged before an PPD occurred. 

She never addresses physically assaulting me, or lieing to her AP to get him to come to my house to fight me.

But I guess it really didn't blameshift too much aside from the PPD.

I will not reply. My wife thinks we should attend the parties no matter if she's there or not. Maybe...

It really had no emotional effect on me at all. No anger, no nothing.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She is only sorry because she is now miserable. Good for you for not replying, none required.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

GoldenR said:


> She forgot about cheating on my when we were engaged before an PPD occurred.
> 
> She never addresses physically assaulting me, or lieing to her AP to get him to come to my house to fight me.
> 
> ...


No, she did blame shift and take almost no responsibility for anything that she did. 

"you were working two jobs" blame shifting to the max. And their are other things in there along with the post partum...

Like I said, at least some of us get a glimpse into the mind of a sociopath... Which is what she really is...

Her life is what she deserves... Yours, now, I think is what you deserve...


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> She is only sorry because she is now miserable.


That's what my wife says as well. 

She brings up the PPD, but leaves out that i told her forever that she had it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

GoldenR said:


> That's what my wife says as well.
> 
> She brings up the PPD, but leaves out that i told her forever that she had it.


Actually she did acknowledge that you told her she had it. But she blames the PPD for her infidelity, which only proves she doesnt actually take ownership of what she did.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Karma is a *****.
The best revenge is to be happy and it seems you are. 
Good luck in the future whatever you decide to do. If it was me I wouldn’t even acknowledge her letter and make it clear to your daughters that this is the last time they are to try and play mediator.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

GoldenR said:


> She forgot about cheating on my when we were engaged before an PPD occurred.
> 
> She never addresses physically assaulting me, or lieing to her AP to get him to come to my house to fight me.
> 
> ...


Yes the depression is just an excuse. I had severe depression for years and was far too ill to even think of cheating even if I had wanted to, which I didn't. Cheating takes a lot of planning and forethought. Lying and deception. Not something a severely depressed person is capable of. 
I guess she has just convinced herself that all of her affairs were during that one time she was depressed and so blames that and doesn't have to blame herself. Clearly not the case. She is clearly also wanting you to feel sorry for her, what a cheek! Making out she has no choice but to stay with the OM. She is free to leave him and actually live on her own and look after herself for a change. Still at least she has sort of apologised for the cheating part if nothing else. 

Good that it didn't affect you, you can now ignore it and get on with your life.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Excuse me GoldenR, but I puked a little in my mouth reading what your ex wrote. To her, I would say one thing: you made your bed, now lie in it. It is good that the medications cleared her head. Let her deal with her demons. She tried to have you deal with them for her. You did it all for her, and now, you have a wife, a life, the undying love of your girls, and an ex wife who regrets every last thing she did to you. This is the classic: the best revenge is a life well lived. She sees that her tawdry affair, and hookup with the OM was NEVER what she wanted, but boo hoo hoo, she had postpartum depression. Wow, so she opened her legs like a cheap pair of scissors, because she was sad? Oh, poor poo poo. Let her live in the hell she created. I would not even give her lip service. Let her know that her presence is nauseating. Let your girls tell her that her half-assed mothering is exactly what got her the great lack of regard from her girls. She will go to her grave knowing you were the father, and she was an annoying footnote in their history.


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

Taxman said:


> Excuse me GoldenR, but I puked a little in my mouth reading what your ex wrote. To her, I would say one thing: you made your bed, now lie in it. It is good that the medications cleared her head. Let her deal with her demons. She tried to have you deal with them for her. You did it all for her, and now, you have a wife, a life, the undying love of your girls, and an ex wife who regrets every last thing she did to you. This is the classic: the best revenge is a life well lived. She sees that her tawdry affair, and hookup with the OM was NEVER what she wanted, but boo hoo hoo, she had postpartum depression. Wow, so she opened her legs like a cheap pair of scissors, because she was sad? Oh, poor poo poo. Let her live in the hell she created. I would not even give her lip service. Let her know that her presence is nauseating. Let your girls tell her that her half-assed mothering is exactly what got her the great lack of regard from her girls. She will go to her grave knowing you were the father, and she was an annoying footnote in their history.



I love this! 

Thank you! 

What she wrote is really just an unorganized, jumbled mess that says nothing deep whatsoever. Pretty much par for her.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I personally think she is fishing. Who knows the real reason and you really shouldn't care. I would personally just not respond at all. I would act like I never even received the letter. I would file it under your past where it belongs. 

She wouldn't be worth my time anymore.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I don't have much to say, you get it. 

To the others reading this and thinking of staying with a serial cheater. They are never going to get it, as proved over and over, this letter included. It's in their nature, it's their world you just live in it.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

And there you have it. Time to put the anger and hatred away. It is impacting too many people. No one needs to feel that tension or feel like they have to choose or know that you are not present because of her. Fix yourself.

I say this because her letter is just a messed up wayward letter. She is with a man and tells you that you are the best man she knew. She is with a dude and tells you that she should not be and would not be with him if she could. That is messed up. She's trashing the guy that she has believing she's in love with him. Her letter was a knife in His back and a reminder why she does not matter. Good to know, but who cares. Where does it get you? Nowhere.

Who cares if she forgot all the stuff she did to you? She's out of your life as an emotional partner. You owe your wife untainted love. The taint is your hatred for your EX. it is your need for your EX to suffer or whatever. You and your wife and kids and grands deserve to enjoy every moment possible together. Your EX just shares space. She also shares DNA with those people. 

I do not need apologies from people for whom I have no respect. I don't avoid them or act standoffish around them. They bear witness to my joy, but are inconsequential to it. I suggest you adopt a similar mindset. I do not wage war with ants at a picnic. I enjoy the picnic, and oh yeah, I think there were ants, it's a picnic after all. Try it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Yep, big yawn and ignore


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I have a little indigestion tonight. I think I'll have an affair with the neighbor.

Perfect cheater logic


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

GoldenR's ex is in that gigantic subset of cheaters who did not know what they had until it was gone. Time and time again, I have seen behaviors that have absolutely floored me, and then after the A was over, the marriage kaput, D signed, sealed and delivered. The wayward spouse has that moment of clarity, that "AH-HAH!" moment, when they realize that what they have now, is definitely inferior to what they had. Seeing your former spouse happy in another relationship. Seeing your former spouse prospering. Seeing your former spouse having a great relationship with the kids, while the A casts a shadow on your relationship with everyone. Seeing the life you once had, gone forever, and the part that you left behind, was the better part of your life.

I have had several of them go into horrible depressions, the true remorse kicking in, long after it was truly needed.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

GoldenR said:


> I got the letter this past Saturday. Read it along with my wife Sunday evening once we got back home.
> 
> "GoldenR -
> 
> ...


Send the letter to the OM, along with a note that says, "Hey buddy, how about you get your woman to leave me the hell alone. And thanks for taking her off my hands."


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

GTdad said:


> Send the letter to the OM, along with a note that says, "Hey buddy, how about you get your woman to leave me the hell alone. And thanks for taking her off my hands."


Nope. Let her be completely in the OM's possession. That is the hell that she created for herself. She knows now, to a certain extent, the hell that she created. She knows now that she is suffering the repercussions of her actions. That is an absolute. That is her sentence for the crime committed. I have been around this way too long to not appreciate when the universe seeks balance. In this case, she has come to the realization that she trashed her life. That realization is the tip of the iceberg, and a lot more will come tumbling out of her psyche. It will be like withstanding an avalanche. Hope she has a lot of dough for therapists and psychiatrists. That will happen as well.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Taxman said:


> Nope. Let her be completely in the OM's possession. That is the hell that she created for herself. She knows now, to a certain extent, the hell that she created. She knows now that she is suffering the repercussions of her actions. That is an absolute. That is her sentence for the crime committed. I have been around this way too long to not appreciate when the universe seeks balance. In this case, she has come to the realization that she trashed her life. That realization is the tip of the iceberg, and a lot more will come tumbling out of her psyche. It will be like withstanding an avalanche. Hope she has a lot of dough for therapists and psychiatrists. That will happen as well.


Exactly. Just because she has been classless doesn't mean you have to be classless.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Taxman said:


> GoldenR's ex is in that gigantic subset of cheaters who did not know what they had until it was gone. Time and time again, I have seen behaviors that have absolutely floored me, and then after the A was over, the marriage kaput, D signed, sealed and delivered. The wayward spouse has that moment of clarity, that "AH-HAH!" moment, when they realize that what they have now, is definitely inferior to what they had. Seeing your former spouse happy in another relationship. Seeing your former spouse prospering. Seeing your former spouse having a great relationship with the kids, while the A casts a shadow on your relationship with everyone. Seeing the life you once had, gone forever, and the part that you left behind, was the better part of your life.
> 
> I have had several of them go into horrible depressions, the true remorse kicking in, long after it was truly needed.


This is so true, just so true. 

The thing is that people that are this messed up, they NEVER get it until it is too late...

My little story goes like this... Once I finally decided it was over, and I told Ex W... She comes to me and was actually contrite and appeared honest somewhat remorseful, but somehow it was real. 

She said, "Listen, could you give me one more chance, just to see if I can be a good wife to you?" 

I don't know what in the hell I was thinking, I still don't, but I said yes. Why I said that, I will never know, still don't. 

I broke up with all of my GF's, yes I am a POS but I had been done for a while, and I started MC with her. ONE. LAST. TIME... 

I will still never understand why I did that, but I did. 

Even after all of that, she still, STILL, could not understand what kind of impact her drug addiction, lying and cheating, had on me and our kids...

I mean, she had a figurative GUN to her head, the counselor explained it to her OVER AND OVER, and she could not get it... 

Finally, after all of that, I had to explain to her through a series of questions that she never, ever loved me. All I was... was good breeding stock, a good paycheck, and a good father, and a few other things... 

Literally drew in out on paper, explained it every way known to mankind, and she could not get it... 

If nothing else, I know I did EVERYTHING I could to get through to her.

And when it was over, she had to gall to get pissed off that I started spending weekends with my GF's while that divorce was getting finalized. 

You know, some people, you just cannot help, once I figured that out, wow, what a difference it made in my life...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

bigfoot said:


> I say this because her letter is just a messed up wayward letter. She is with a man and tells you that you are the best man she knew. She is with a dude and tells you that she should not be and would not be with him if she could. That is messed up. She's trashing the guy that she has believing she's in love with him. Her letter was a knife in His back and a reminder why she does not matter. Good to know, but who cares. Where does it get you? Nowhere


And she probably trashes GoldenR to her husband. The only thing these people love is themselves.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Taxman said:


> GoldenR's ex is in that gigantic subset of cheaters who did not know what they had until it was gone. Time and time again, I have seen behaviors that have absolutely floored me, and then after the A was over, the marriage kaput, D signed, sealed and delivered. The wayward spouse has that moment of clarity, that "AH-HAH!" moment, when they realize that what they have now, is definitely inferior to what they had. Seeing your former spouse happy in another relationship. Seeing your former spouse prospering. Seeing your former spouse having a great relationship with the kids, while the A casts a shadow on your relationship with everyone. Seeing the life you once had, gone forever, and the part that you left behind, was the better part of your life.
> 
> I have had several of them go into horrible depressions, the true remorse kicking in, long after it was truly needed.


She just want's GoldenR because she can't have him. If she got him again she wouldn't want him. None of this is about love. People like this don't know what love is. The just want the feels. The motivation is themselves. They are the star you are just a bit player.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> Exactly. Just because she has been classless doesn't mean you have to be classless.


 Actually, it would be the ultimate class act to clue the douchecanoe that was screwing his wife in on how she really feels about him. Trying to help the one that wronged him would be forgiveness ... and maybe a little schadenfreude to boot.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Just realised I missed the end of the letter with her saying, I hope hope to hear back from you. 

What is she wanting from you??? Forgiveness? For you to say that you miss her as well and that she is the best woman? For you to moan about your wife as he has about her man? I wouldn't trust her at all, or her motives. 

Who knows, but its best to just leave it there and move on now as you are doing. Don't let yourself get tangled again in her web. 

If only she had just sincerely apologised and not added the 'poor me' part. Still its something I suppose. Most people who were cheated on, like my husband in his first marriage, never ever get an apology and probably never will. 

To be honest there is no need to see her ever. Neither of us ever see our exes and haven't for about 12 years, and we have children and grandchildren.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Actually, it would be the ultimate class act to clue the douchecanoe that was screwing his wife in on how she really feels about him. Trying to help the one that wronged him would be forgiveness ... and maybe a little schadenfreude to boot.


I agree. I'm all about letting the OW or OM know exactly how valued they are. 

I have to admit that I really enjoyed a most satisfying and hilarious moment when many years ago, my cheating ex showed up out of nowhere at my place a month after I'd left him, and he was demanding I take him back. LOL. Yeah, I'll get _right_ on that.

I asked him if his 'girlfriend' (the prior OW) knew he was at my place demanding we get back together and he kind of grinned and told me he'd told her that he was taking his truck to get new tires. Half an hour later after I told him 'no' for the 10th time, he finally decided to leave.

As soon as my door closed and I heard him walk away, I promptly called his OW/girlfriend and told her she should _really_ keep a much better eye on lover boy because not only was he NOT at the tire shop getting his new tires put on his truck like he'd told her he was doing, but he'd just been at MY place for the last half hour, demanding then begging that I come back to him. I told her that it just has to *suck* for her, knowing that even though I happily left him and she won her "prize," he's _still _showing up at my door. Lastly, I thanked her for her future cooperation in tightening his leash and keeping her 'boyfriend' away from my house and hung up. 

She could barely utter a word during that short call because I really didn't give her a chance to talk. Just listen. 

Good times. Good times. :rofl:


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## Isshecheating (Jan 29, 2019)

GTdad said:


> GoldenR said:
> 
> 
> > I got the letter this past Saturday. Read it along with my wife Sunday evening once we got back home.
> ...


Excellent suggestion!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Don’t say a damn thing to the OM, lest he throw her out on her ass, at which point one of your daughters might feel an obligation to take her in.

In fact, that might have been her plan.

Either way, let them have each other. It’s what they deserve.

Also, no response. And tell your daughters that you’re not interested in anything she has to say going forward, especially given her rather selective memory.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

GTdad said:


> Send the letter to the OM, along with a note that says, "Hey buddy, how about you get your woman to leave me the hell alone. And thanks for taking her off my hands."


This.

We had a truck commercial, I think, many years ago that went something like that - thanks for taking her off my hands, best thing that ever happened to me.

btw, about your oldest daughter. Just want to point out that when a child is abused, in any form, that child clings to the abuser like glue, and kind of ignores the safe parent - the one they know will always be there for them. They have to suck up to the bad one, in a hopeless quest to get the one thing they've wanted all their lives: that person's desire and love and respect. They are terrified to piss that parent off, cos they see it as burning a bridge they'll never get back, so they'll often move heaven and earth to get the safe parent to do whatever the bad parent wants, just to please the bad parent. Doesn't mean she doesn't love you; just that she still craves her mom's love. It might help to read up a little on that and then share what you learn with your daughter, so she can find some peace.


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

I appreciate all of the replies. 

I will not respond to the letter in any way, shape or form. I surely don't want OM booting her and then one of my daughters takes her in. 

turnera - thank you for that info. I will have a talk with my oldest about that. I'll admit that it has troubled me over the years how she seems to care more about her mom who tortured her more than me.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I think your choice to take no action of any kind is why. There is no need to respond to herself pitying letter. And as far as this overblown moral absolute to tattle on everyone, that really isn't your problem. The OM is the one who broke up your family. Informing him of anything his just ridiculous.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good to hear. It's basic psychology. You can find a ton of articles about it online. Just look up childhood abuse/parents.


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## Dragan Jovanovic (Jan 16, 2019)

She was 15 years and many cheatings too late.


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