# confusing texts



## Catrina (Dec 27, 2011)

got a text of him yesterday............... im so sorry for all the hurt i caused you never meant for any of it to happen. i replied that i was confused and sad at the whole mess, he answered by saying sad was putting it mildly, yet a while ago i got 2 very cold and buisness like texts regarding morgage, household bills and so forth, is it 2 different people that i lived with or was it the affair that changed him


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Cheaters live in compartments - real world in one - affair world in the other. Depends on which compartment he's in.


----------



## Catrina (Dec 27, 2011)

sigma it took me a few mins to get what you were saying i think i understand what your saying, btw the nice text was when he was on his own yesterday the 2 abrupt text messages where today when he was with her, considering he has moved in with her i suppose nice texts for me are finished, one thing as now they are living togther what compartment do you think im in the reality one or the fantasy one and is she the reality now


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I'd say the two nice ones were when he was in your compartment and the cold ones where when he was in the OW's. Both compartments are now reality - yours and hers. This is cake eating - he is getting to maintain both worlds simultaneously. The big problem with this is that it allows his affair world to maintain some of it's fantasy characteristics because he's not having to get all of his needs met exclusively in that world. If you take you and the world you represent away from him he will have to live solely in the world of his OW - which will likely not live up to the fantasy. When the fantasy starts to fade it may make the world you represent much more appealing. 

You need to steel yourself and commit to the 180. Stop looking for hope or love in every contact with him. Cut him loose emotionally and let him swim on his own for a while. Maybe he'll come crawling back - maybe he won't - but you've got to stop letting him eat cake.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

"never meant for it to happen" 

really? after the 5 times you were taken back?

Get real. Don't be someone's second fiddle Cat. You're above this.


----------



## Catrina (Dec 27, 2011)

i think im doing ok sometimes and then bang rollercoster, i was angry earlier and i dont really know who with him or me, when i first found out i was in bits went to my doctor he gave me antidepressants, sleeping tabs and anxiety tabs because i couldnt stop shaking and stuttering i stopped all these when he came back boy am i sorry now, cant sleep, shaking,stuttering and palpitations again, big mistake, im trying my best not to contact him i write a text or email and then delete it thank god.. im starting to sayto myself what do you want to text or ring for because you know he wont reply anyway so far so good today i only gave a short reply to his text re bills and stuff, he sould have either stopped or left me alone when i found out to begin with instead of draging me down and down and down just because he couldnt make his mind up, also i think when he said to me that he didnt love anybody yet he still left his long time partner.. me.. to be with her, im hoping that this will be a wake up call for me,also when he left the other evening to meet her was like ---- Ah its something i have to do and i know if i dont go tonight i will go someother evening,,,, WHAT????? oh yeah and when he stayed that night and woke up next morning and thought he was at home WHAT?????


----------



## tiptoe1969 (Dec 31, 2011)

My husband would do the same thing That he was sorry and didn't want to keep hurting me, that he still loved me etc. All of these are just words now. You need to look at his actions. He will not stop see OW. 

He also wants to gauge where you are at in regards to the situation. Don't let him read you. He is trying to see your limit. If you talk to him he will try to ask you things ie. do you still love me, do you miss me, etc. Although you are acting strong they will still try to press your buttons that is why NC is the best. It's hard I know but he needs to know that you are done.


----------



## Catrina (Dec 27, 2011)

met him today we had some biz to sort out, i am trying to be as calm as i can inside im shaking i asked him how he was getting on in his new life he said he dosent really know and that hes very quiet when he is there..lies maybe i dont know.. he said that he feels close to me ???????????? yet he is living with another woman, and that it was me that made that choice for him to do so i said yeah i told you i wasnt an option anymore and couldnt go on like the way we were with you hopping back and forth, back and forth that it was killing me inside, and that all the resentment and anger he felt for me when he was home that i could feel it and see it and it hurt badly, he didnt really say much but gave me a hug as we were going our own ways one thing he did say though was he wished that he and i could just go away for a month, feeling so down today trying to keep busy, start one thing leave it and then im starting another and leaving it, not a good day


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Hang in there - he's either working you or reality is just starting to dawn. Either way you need to stick to the 180 for now - for you and for him.


----------



## Catrina (Dec 27, 2011)

sigma do you mean working me as in... me asking him to come home? im trying my best with the 180thing really really trying, he also wants to be my friend and says hes there for me..... i want to run amok scream and rant and say you havent been there for me since you started your affair im just trying to pull back, i emotionally, mentally or phyicaly couldnt got through all that back-gone back-gone again killing me it was, he also admited to being angry and resentful with me while he was here suppose thats one good thing before he wouldnt accept he was, just having a bad day i suppose i wish i didnt love and care about him i really do


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I mean what it sounds like he's doing - giving you just enough emotion and sentiment from him to keep you invested and twisted up inside. Think about it. What you really want is to be cut loose, what he really wants is to be able to continue to have his cake and eat it to. It would be easy (easier) for you to cut him out of your life if he would leave you alone, he knows this so he throws you just enough to keep you thinking, "well maybe......" 

Time and experience thus far has taught him this works. Now you've got to break the pattern. The thing is you can't fly off the handle and yell at him to get the fvck out of your life - that's emotion and if you show it he will know he got to you. That's the magic of the 180 - no emotion = no reaction = no power over you. Make sense?


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm where your husband is at. I do the same things when texting or emailing. For me, it's driven by remorse, guilt, struggling with trying to be "before affair" normal. 

My affair changed me, without a doubt. Some good, some bad. As a result, the texts and emails are from three sources now: (1) the good changes I made in myself, (2) the remorse for the person I became, and (3) the person I used to be.

So the content of my message may contain one or more of the aforementioned influences. It's confusing even to me. Although I'm in individual counseling, I feel at time that I need group counseling for all of me.

Like Sigma said, hang in there.


----------



## Catrina (Dec 27, 2011)

yeah sigma makes sense, and so far thank god i havent flown off the handle, did enough of that the first three months when i discovered about the affair didnt help any1 least of all me, i think the most hurtful day of my life was on 29th dec when he said he had to meet her and i felt like the outsider that i didnt have the right to say no your not, and the hardest day was new yrs day when i told him i wasnt an option anymore, btw i didnt hear a thing from him 29th, 30th or 31st dec and one of those days was my birthday


----------



## Catrina (Dec 27, 2011)

hertoo, tome its all totally confusing,he is now living withsone else but being nicer tome than when we were together or in R then he was a dog to me most ofthe time even though for mths i told him if he wanted her to just go and be with her


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

That's the guilt doing that. He still cares for you, and is trying to ease the pain he has caused. Little does he know, he has pain that he hasn't dealt with yet. How long will the OW tolerate him communicating with you? Not very long. Then reality will come crashing down. When it does, do you want him back?


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

HerToo said:


> That's the guilt doing that. He still cares for you, and is trying to ease the pain he has caused. Little does he know, he has pain that he hasn't dealt with yet. How long will the OW tolerate him communicating with you? Not very long. Then reality will come crashing down. When it does, do you want him back?


I have to say that's not my take on this one at all. I think Catrina's H falls more into the narcissistic cheater profile and he's really just trying to string both Catrina and his AP along as long as they'll let him. I don't think it's guilt - I think it's manipulation that's driving his behavior. But I do very much agree with the last part.


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Good point. Cake eater?


----------



## Catrina (Dec 27, 2011)

id love him back as he was before, before this affair started, but this man i thought i knew i dont know him anymore he changed so much was like something or somebody took him over changed him, only since he left have i seen or heard the slightest bit of the old him back, btw as far as i was concerned we had a good relationship no major issuse with each other and we got along good, we were supposed to be getting married this spring then smack,bang wallop he loves some1 else


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Catrina said:


> id love him back as he was before, before this affair started, but this man i thought i knew i dont know him anymore he changed so much was like something or somebody took him over changed him, only since he left have i seen or heard the slightest bit of the old him back, btw as far as i was concerned we had a good relationship no major issuse with each other and we got along good, we were supposed to be getting married this spring then smack,bang wallop he loves some1 else


HOLD ON - you're not married to this asshat (copyright Apple)?!?!?

WTF are you doing? BAIL OUT!!! Do not waste another moment on this dude. Seriously. If he'll treat you like this and you're not married what do you think he'll do if you are? Are you still considering marrying him? OMG I hope not. 

I was about to respond to the above by saying the marriage you had is over - BUT YOU'RE NOT MARRIED!! Seriously this guy is damaged and any time you spend chasing him is wasting your life. Go find someone who will love you and treat you right.


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I agree 100% with Sigma. He showed you who he really is before you married him. Take that gift and run!!!

I know this sounds harsh. But it is the best thing to do.

Move on. Someone better is waiting for you.


----------



## Catrina (Dec 27, 2011)

no were not married, we have lived together 13yrs and knew each other for a couple of yrs before that, we have a house and morgage together and to be honest it felt like a marriage before all this happened, we were supposed to be getting married a few yrs ago but things went wrong on the money side of it so it wasput on the long finger, its doesnt make the betrayal or hurt any less for me though married or not, i am so hurting right now feels like a knife being twisted in my heart just want the pain to go away


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I understand that - but he's gone. Maybe there's a reason that it never got around to marriage? The death of any relationship is hard, especially one of 13+ years, but based on what he's done to you do you really want to subject yourself to any more of it? I know marriage can seem like a technicality, but at the same time somehow it isn't. There's something about standing in front of people and making a promise to each other - one that you have not made to each other. And even if you had - he's broken it. 

IMO you need to call this one over and move on - there are better men out there.


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

It's sad, but Sigma is correct.

A man with integrity awaits you.


----------

