# at a loss



## coreoutdoors (Jun 11, 2011)

This morning my spouse and I got into an argument about me forgetting to deposit some money into an account and it bounced. 
Which was my fault for not depostiting it when I was on my way home from dropping my girls off with the ex. We got into such a loud verbal argument, well she mostly did the yelling. That I usually never say anything to avoid getting the "[email protected]#$%" line, but it got to me being the irresponsible one, and that I don't do enough to make more money or that I am always swiping the card. Which isn't true lately. We are in the process of moving after our lease is up to somewhere it's more cheaper to rent. She says that I am not financially responsible or that I don't love her enough, I'm selfish, thinking of only me or not doing enough for her, etc. 
Even today in her yelling fit, she told me once again that she wanted to just drop everything and leave to go to her mom's house in another state. 
I feel that she is a bit controlling. Always making jokes about me meeting someone, always wanting to go through my phone to see who I have been talking to, but if i ask to go through her phone and look at her messages that's off limits. I understand counseling may help, but I believe that since I am not doing the things that she wants me to do in her way, that's i'm not doing it right. I feel pissed and hateful after we have such arguments. I don't say anything to avoid being yelled at for being an idiot or getting the BS line. I just want to run away sometimes. She makes it so hard to just stay and deal with this. Being told that you have everything, but are questioned in how you do things isn't helping. I voice my opinion, but get told that it isn't right. 
So now I am at a loss and thinking I may need develop a plan to move on and cut my losses before I find my stuff all over the apt complex.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Some more details will help.

Do you have any kids of your own with current wife?
Does wife work outside the home?
Do you have agreement on household expenses? Do you have a budget agreed by both of you? Have you worked out who pays for what expenses?
You should be able to do almost all of our banking electronically, including depositing checks with smartphone. Are you doing this and having bills paid automatically?
What is the cause of the trust issue? Have you or her been unfaithful either physically or emotionally? Do you maintain causal contact with your ex?

You need to reach agreement on the phones and passwords. Phones should always be password protected in case you lose them. But both of you should use the same password and not change it without informing the other of the new password. 

It is a stressful time with the move. She is running away. You say the same. 

You do know it takes two to fight. Often saying nothing is just as bad as fighting back. Just a few times, try just listening to what she says and validate her feelings. Repeat back to her what she said and acknowledge what you heard. Do this EVEN if you know she is wrong and you disagree with her. Just try it a few times and watch her reaction. This may work to defuse her arguments so that in the future she is less hateful. You are reacting to her and she is reacting to you and both of you are in an endless cycle that is spiraling downward. Try to break the cycle. She is your wife, at least for now. Fight the urge to fight back and give it a try.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

coreoutdoors said:


> *This morning my spouse and I got into an argument about me forgetting to deposit some money into an account and it bounced. *
> 
> That would pi$$ anyone off...especially if its frequent
> 
> ...


There is probably more going on here than you are aware of. 

Start digging into it. 

However, you also need to ask yourself honestly....what have you been messing up on....is it happening consistently?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I never had any idea of how good my marriage is until I came here. My wife and I are still madly in love after 45 years. I proposed to her 3 weeks after we met and have gone through hard times together. Sure we sometimes argue but we never forget that we love each other and within a few minutes, we forget what we argued about and go back to being the loving couple we are. If I am wrong, I apologize. My wife never does but that is OK with me. Her actions tell me that she is sorry. I think the fact that we are both easy going people who can tell the difference between a real problem and one we make into one, helps.

I always remind my wife that nothing is a problem unless it threatens our ability to keep affect our income or health. Everything else are just obstacles to be overcome. My wife would be pissed at me for doing what you did but it would not be blown up as it seems to have been with you. I often look my wife in the idea and tell her to remember that we love each other and no one is perfect. If we let the little things get to us, they will eventually destroy the good life we have made together. That always works to bring things into perspective. Wish you luck.


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## coreoutdoors (Jun 11, 2011)

I know that I am having issues with some of the financials. I never really had a problem paying bills. I only pay 3 of them. One is already paid. I told her about paying on the other 2. Including the amounts. I was told to handle it, and not look to her for validation. I did this week and handle it. Forgetting to deposit money. Seems like I am financially irresponsible. The phone searching part doesn't help matters or make me feel like I'm under scrutiny all the time. Not a good feeling. I'm at the point of just giving up. Feel like I'm on a roller coaster. Having slow season at work isn't helping either. Constantly being told I'm not doing enough at work. Can't do anything if there isn't enough work or tour sitting around several hours a day. I'm in the process of finding a new job. I don't enjoy my job, but at least I go. I'm told I try and sabotage my job a lot. I just feel that I just can't get anything right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Do you have any kids of your own with current wife?
Does wife work outside the home?
How does your income compare to hers?
How long have you been looking for another job and how likely is it you will find a better paying job soon?
Are you struggling to pay bills?
What is the cause of the trust issue? Have you or her been unfaithful either physically or emotionally? Do you maintain causal contact with your ex?


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## mjgh06 (Feb 27, 2016)

coreoutdoors said:


> I know that I am having issues with some of the financials. I never really had a problem paying bills. I only pay 3 of them. One is already paid. I told her about paying on the other 2. Including the amounts. I was told to handle it, and not look to her for validation. I did this week and handle it. Forgetting to deposit money. Seems like I am financially irresponsible. The phone searching part doesn't help matters or make me feel like I'm under scrutiny all the time. Not a good feeling. I'm at the point of just giving up. Feel like I'm on a roller coaster. Having slow season at work isn't helping either. Constantly being told I'm not doing enough at work. Can't do anything if there isn't enough work or tour sitting around several hours a day. I'm in the process of finding a new job. *I don't enjoy my job, but at least I go. I'm told I try and sabotage my job a lot. *I just feel that I just can't get anything right.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You do realize that if you leave or the two of you separate, you will be responsible for paying all your own bills and working and everything else that comes with living?

Your wife sounds like she feels she is having to run the house all by herself and so why not do it alone. As for the phone checking that is out of line. She either has #1 trust issues or #2 she is already having or thinking about having an affair. Has she always been that way with checking your phone since you met, or is this recent? 

You personally need to find some self-confidence and start handling more of the business of home. You would be doing it on your own anyway if the two of you split, so why not start now and maybe save what you have.

Make some time when you are both calm and set a date/time when you will sit down together and go over the bills together. Tell her you are willing to try to get your lives back on track. 
blueinbr is right that all banks now offer online banking. You don't have to set up automatic payments but instead of having to drive somewhere to pay the bill, you can go online and pay it directly from there. 

As far as the job, you sound like my 22yo son. Not many people like the jobs they have, but they do it to pay the bills so they have money and time to do the other stuff in life they enjoy. If your job doesn't pay enough, make a plan to better your education etc. to get a better paying job. 

I don't personally agree with repeating back what she says as listening. For me, that would just piss me off more. But for many women, it works. The biggest issue in life is communication - not many do it well. Understand even though she sounds like she is personally attacking you, she is more upset with whatever the issue is than you - such as the account bouncing. This hits home because I have had that issue with my own H. I got mad enough at him for it I cut up all his cards. Stay calm when she is yelling and find resolutions to the issues such as sitting down together to do the banking.

You weren't specific on what else she wants you to do or what other gripes she has? Can you name any?


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## coreoutdoors (Jun 11, 2011)

The last month I havent used the cards at all except to pay the 2 bills. I have cash that I had gotten through tips that I used or come home for lunch, or use the loose change. I try not to use the card at all. Mostly to avoid getting the swipe speech. 
As for everything else, it's mostly things that needed to get done around the house. If I don't get them done in a timely manner she gets upset. I believe that her concept of time is off, because she will ask me if I did something right after she told me to do it and we are still talking to each other. Or if I tell her that something will take a few minutes, she goes and tells me that it will take an hour, etc. I just let that go and let her figure out that some things take longer than she thinks. We are constantly butting heads about things in the kitchen. I worked as a cook for many years and she has in a after school club for a few years, so it brings many arguments about how things are done or prepared. 
Most of the time it comes down to how she follows the rules to the letter in all things in life while I tend to bend them a little. Being more flexible works for me while it doesn't too much for her. Which to me I believe that this helps us both out. But we tend to clash there. 
As for doing things on my own. I am prepared for that, I have basically done that, near the end of my 1st marriage. My ex wouldn't take care of the kids after having the youngest one, and help out with anything. I understand that I do need to sit down and talk to her either about the finances again and what is really bothering her. That is something I never got enough experience, living with a dominating father.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Sounds like she has some insecurities that need to be addressed because she feels the need to search your phone and not give you any privacy. Pardon the harsh question, but have you ever cheated on her before? That could be why she wants to search through your phone a lot. I don't understand why such a dramatic argument resulted out of a simple mistake. You forgot, yeah that was a mistake, but it isn't the end of the world. Deposit the check asap, call the bank and see if they can cancel the overdraft fee and move on. Marriage counseling may help too if she is willing to go. Individual counseling too wouldn't hurt.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

coreoutdoors said:


> I know that I am having issues with some of the financials. I never really had a problem paying bills. I only pay 3 of them. One is already paid. I told her about paying on the other 2. Including the amounts. I was told to handle it, and not look to her for validation. I did this week and handle it. Forgetting to deposit money. Seems like I am financially irresponsible. The phone searching part doesn't help matters or make me feel like I'm under scrutiny all the time. Not a good feeling. I'm at the point of just giving up. Feel like I'm on a roller coaster. Having slow season at work isn't helping either. Constantly being told I'm not doing enough at work. Can't do anything if there isn't enough work or tour sitting around several hours a day. I'm in the process of finding a new job. I don't enjoy my job, but at least I go. I'm told I try and sabotage my job a lot. I just feel that I just can't get anything right.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So why are you only paying 3 bills? Have you had issues with controlling your spending in the past? She sounds like she is angry and resentful for having to pull more than her fair share of the weight. Maybe if you hold up your end more, she will back off.


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## coreoutdoors (Jun 11, 2011)

No real problem passing bills, I do mine a bit current than she does, but she thinks that I don't know how to pay anything on time. While she freaks out if she is close to being late. Always pays her bills on time and etc. Never makes arrangements for bills. Otherwise I don't really make enough to cover any other bills at the moment. She isn't helping me try and find a different job, just how she wants me to do the current job like she does her job. It's the slow period for my line of work, tying to take a second job didn't pan out, while I have my kids every other weekend. 
Lately I was told that I once again went over the data limit for 5 lines and that I'm doing something sneaky. Most of the time I'm looking up stuff for our new place we are moving to. Yet all the time I'm always being deceitful, sneaky and doing stuff behind her back. So now on my days off u have to let her know everything I'm doing, since she thinks I'm doing all kinds of shady stuff. 
I can't tell her the truth because she always thinks I'm lying. All this because I had an acct that she didn't know about. I have since deleted those accts and unfollowed anyone of the opposite sex since I may be talking to them in secret. Her previous husband must have done a real number on her to have her so paranoid. I try to do things for her and I just blows up. Getting the "what did you do" spiel. I can't do anything for her. I don't feel like I want to, without having shine sort of comment. She says she lives me with everything she has, but I need to do the same the way she wants it. I try to do it my way, but all I get is the silence treatment for a few days. So now, because I didn't tell her everything I did on Friday and to her thinking all I did was sit on the couch chatting in chat rooms that now I'm in the dog house again. 
I feel like I'm not doing anything right by her and trying to talk about it just gets the your lying or BS line. Just having a hard time communicating without being made to feel like I just killed the family pet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You have to sit her down and talk to her and tell her that disrespect is not going to help the situation or make you work any faster, harder, etc

She sounds very stressed out, who is the major earner in the family, who carries the weight of the household in terms of chores, etc?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

".


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Life is awful short to be miserable.


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