# Masterbation/Addiction



## Suspect (Jan 12, 2016)

Ok I don't know if this is the correct place to post. Sex life was good. Then he was having difficulty performing. Ok I struck it up as this happens. Then I discovered he was using his phone and was masturbating. Ok that isn't such a big deal until I discovered it was daily every morning. Not to mention it wasn't like he didn't have a live person there that was awake when he would take his shower and then do this. Then it got to where if I initiated he was unable to keep erection or was unable to penetrate. He could do just fine with oral being performed but where did this leave me. He was having an active sex life with himself and then getting the benefits of for lack of a better word due to the animosity and frustration "serviced" and giving nothing in return. He would want to start things and then he couldn't or wouldn't and would leave me hanging and yet he didn't want and doesn't want me to do the same thing he is doing. 

This has gone on for months. I had mentioned that this type of activity not directing at him will warp a mans brain to where that he would have difficulties with sex. Needless to say this didn't and hasn't changed his behavior. He become angry at me because he loses his erection and then make it out that I done something wrong that caused this to occur. He left his phone open and I saw the porn on it and I left it there. When he came out and saw it asking what this was doing on his phone I responded your phone you tell me. He swears he has nothing to do with it his phone as done it by itself. I am not stupid even though he would like for me to be. I became angry and said you get busted, and blame me for your damn **** not working. He tried to pull it off that he is having difficulty and can't get an erection in the morning. Lie because that is when he is doing it sometimes twice in the morning when he just wakes up and then after the shower. He also gets them during his sleep so this is not a medical problem. I suggested he go to the doctor and make sure that it isn't a medical problem and that a urologist could determin the difference between the lack of blud supply and it not working or if it was due to masturbation and porn. He shot the doctor out of the water he wasn't going. But I attacked his manhood when he has made me out to be the problem with his lack of ability to perform when he starts it. 

I have tried everything. He can masturbate and get an erection just fine no issues he can get erect and hard for oral "services" and yet he can't do anything for me or even acknowledge there is something wrong.I am angry, frustrated, and tired being used as his excuse for not being able to perform. 

When he starts wanting to initiate sex now I am not even interested because I am left with nothing he can't so I can't but he will get up the next morning and masturbate. Now if I say no because I don't want to deal with his anger being directed at me I am the bad guy and that is his excuse to continue the behavior. And yet I just get more frustrated with my own needs not being met. Where do I go from here? He will not assist me at all and then if I do what he is doing he sees that as me taking away from him.

I guess what I am trying to find out is how do I decline his advances when nothing is going to be gained from it other than more frustration and humiliation on my part. It shouldn't be all about his feelings, his needs.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Sorry to hear this. Porn changes a man’s brain and is similar to being a drug addict. The more you use it, the more you need (and harder stuff) to keep the same high. You go nuts pursuing it and then afterwards you’re like “what the hell was I thinking?” and In his mind, he wants to do it with you but his brain has been rewired such normal sex just isn’t a turn on.

It really isn’t fair that he’s making his problem your problem. He needs some sort of intervention. Might want to try marriage counseling with someone who specializes in sex/porn addiction. If he’s serious about getting better he’ll agree to have internet filtering in his phone.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Suspect (Jan 12, 2016)

He isn't getting any better, he has only started hiding it better. We jave had issues in the past and unless I do something that bothers him he has no issue with his actions or behaviors those are mine to figure out. So I go to,counseling on my own. He refuses he doesnt need help we dont need help only me.

I am to the point where I know I can be harsh and spiteful in my responses to him and I am trying not to have anotjer blow up. The reason for needing to know how to say no and not be an a** that he says I am.The last one he got in my face screaming saying he would go toe,to,toe with me. All because he got busted red handed.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

No matter what you hear or read:

This is not your fault. You didn't do this to him. And no, not all men act this way.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Suspect said:


> He isn't getting any better, he has only started hiding it better. We jave had issues in the past and unless I do something that bothers him he has no issue with his actions or behaviors those are mine to figure out. So I go to,counseling on my own. He refuses he doesnt need help we dont need help only me.
> 
> I am to the point where I know I can be harsh and spiteful in my responses to him and I am trying not to have anotjer blow up. The reason for needing to know how to say no and not be an a** that he says I am.The last one he got in my face screaming saying he would go toe,to,toe with me. All because he got busted red handed.


Look, he is addicted to porn and he's going to try to pin it on YOU no matter how you word your objection. There is no "nice enough" way for you to ask where he will change his behavior.

It sounds like you have a choice, either accept that this is going to be your life with him or decide that is not acceptable to you and leave. Leaving is the only thing that will actually get his attention because, like you said, unless HE has the problem, then there is no problem. YOU being upset, disappointed, unfulfilled, etc. does not phase him because you are still there so how bad can it really be? This is how many men ACTUALLY think. The only way they have a come to Jesus moment is if you actually leave. Being harsher and harsher with NOT work. It will only turn you bitter and provide a justification for his neglect of you in his mind.

I recommend you sit him down when sex is not the topic. 
Have some articles on the effects of porn and masturbation and numbers of doctors/specialists he could talk to. Then say something like:

_I used to LOVE having sex with you but I no longer enjoy it because there is nothing in it for me due due to your different attitude and ED from your addiction to masturbating to porn. I've asked you to stop the masturbating and to see a doctor if you can't. You have chosen not to. I am letting you know right now, that this is not acceptable to me. 

You need to get some help and stop it if you want me to remain your wife because, like I said, I love you but you are not acting like you love me and I am not willing to accept a sexless marriage simply because you will not expend the effort needed to solve a problem of your own making that is hurting me and our marriage._

Be ready to leave. Literally. Have a place to go. If you don't call his bluff he is not going to change. It doesn't matter whether or not HE thinks you're overreacting or being a ***** or whatever, the point is it is a big deal - a deal breaker in fact - to you.

Here are a couple articles on porn and sex addiction:
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/the-scourge-of-pornography.htm
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/what-is-sexual-addiction.htm


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Suspect said:


> ......Then I discovered he was using his phone and was masturbating. Ok that isn't such a big deal until I discovered it was daily every morning.
> 
> .....Then it got to where if I initiated he was unable to keep erection or was unable to penetrate. He could do just fine with oral being performed but where did this leave me. *He was having an active sex life with himself and then getting the benefits of for lack of a better word due to the animosity and frustration "serviced" and giving nothing in return.* He would want to start things and then he couldn't or wouldn't and *would leave me hanging and yet he didn't want and doesn't want me to do the same thing he is doing. *
> 
> ...





Suspect said:


> He isn't getting any better, he has only started hiding it better. We jave had issues in the past and unless I do something that bothers him he has no issue with his actions or behaviors those are mine to figure out. So I go to,counseling on my own. He refuses he doesnt need help we dont need help only me.
> 
> *I am to the point where I know I can be harsh and spiteful in my responses to him and I am trying not to have anotjer blow up*. The reason for needing to know how to say no and not be an a** that he says I am.The last one he got in my face screaming saying he would go toe,to,toe with me. All because he got busted red handed.


Well the two of you certainly do have a problem. My 2 cents would be for you to try to de-escalate the confrontation not fuel it. That doesn't mean sweep your problems under the rug, but it does mean talk to him so that he hears and understands you. First, I would recommend that you try to loose the anger and work at forgiving him for the emotional pain he has caused you. If you can do that you can approach things differently.

First you know what is going on and you are rightfully frustrated, but you also are doing a "tough love" approach to try to break him of what you see as a bad habit (and if it is interfering with the sex in your marriage, it is a bad thing.) Your instinct may be right on, but you might want to work on your approach and communications with him.

He knows he is masturbating and is embarrassed about it, your post proves that. You don't need to tell him that or make him confess. Have you communicated to him your love for him and your need to feel his body? I am sure you have on many levels, but in a way that he has really heard and understood? Have you told him in a way that he can hear that you want him back and want back the sexuality in your relationship? 

The hard part is that you can not change him, you can only change yourself. He has to want to change himself before he will stop masturbating. The trick is to get him to want to stop or at least tone it down to the point where it does not interfere with your marriage. 

You might want to get MW Davis book the Sex Starved Wife, it is about women whose husbands are not sexual with them and what the women can do for themselves to maybe change the situation. While you can't change your husband, you can change yourself and the way you allow yourself to be treated. That will force your husband to change how he treats you, for the better or for the worse. Only he will determine what is different in his behavior, but it will be different. If you reinforce positive changes, then you can work on saving your marriage. You may not be able to save it, but at least you will have tried.

If you can show him that you love him and support him, you might get him into counseling with a sex therapist. She may be able (if he is willing) to help reprogram the way he views sex and sex with you.

Ultimately, you need to decide what you want, what your boundaries are, and what you are willing to put up with.

Good luck.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

This is very sad.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Suspect said:


> Ok I don't know if this is the correct place to post. Sex life was good. Then he was having difficulty performing. Ok I struck it up as this happens. Then I discovered he was using his phone and was masturbating. Ok that isn't such a big deal until I discovered it was daily every morning. Not to mention it wasn't like he didn't have a live person there that was awake when he would take his shower and then do this. Then it got to where if I initiated he was unable to keep erection or was unable to penetrate. He could do just fine with oral being performed but where did this leave me. He was having an active sex life with himself and then getting the benefits of for lack of a better word due to the animosity and frustration "serviced" and giving nothing in return. He would want to start things and then he couldn't or wouldn't and would leave me hanging and yet he didn't want and doesn't want me to do the same thing he is doing.
> 
> This has gone on for months. I had mentioned that this type of activity not directing at him will warp a mans brain to where that he would have difficulties with sex. Needless to say this didn't and hasn't changed his behavior. He become angry at me because he loses his erection and then make it out that I done something wrong that caused this to occur. He left his phone open and I saw the porn on it and I left it there. When he came out and saw it asking what this was doing on his phone I responded your phone you tell me. He swears he has nothing to do with it his phone as done it by itself. I am not stupid even though he would like for me to be. I became angry and said you get busted, and blame me for your damn **** not working. He tried to pull it off that he is having difficulty and can't get an erection in the morning. Lie because that is when he is doing it sometimes twice in the morning when he just wakes up and then after the shower. He also gets them during his sleep so this is not a medical problem. I suggested he go to the doctor and make sure that it isn't a medical problem and that a urologist could determin the difference between the lack of blud supply and it not working or if it was due to masturbation and porn. He shot the doctor out of the water he wasn't going. But I attacked his manhood when he has made me out to be the problem with his lack of ability to perform when he starts it.
> 
> ...


I'm not familiar with the back story and I'm sure that your concerns are valid.

I'm not saying he did nothing wrong or that it's your fault.

However, if I was suddenly to take on the role of your husband, the idea of having sex with you and the performance anxiety that would accompany the prospect would wilt my erection instantly.


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## Suspect (Jan 12, 2016)

When I first discovered this I did not say anything to him. When the conversation would take place it had been as a result from a taking the opportunity from a tv show,we,we're,watching. Not putting any blame ir directing it towards him. It was not confrontational. He would complain about his wrist and shoulder hurting I would say something to the efdect that if he would stop playing around he wouldnt have that much pain. 

I had difficulty initiating anything with him because of how it made me feel. Worthless, not good enough, why that when I am right here. So he would be the kne to initiate and then would not be able too. I finally asked him why he had to have his phone with him even to shower and bathroom. He didnt have an answer. His sleep eas being disrupted because he could not wait till morning to masturbate. To the extent it was 4 in the morning. Then go back to bed. I finally asked him if he was lookong at porn. It was not accusatory just a qurstion. He said no I said no more. He lied. I continued to let it go on and during this time I was expected to provide him with oral relief. No sex between us, nothing mutual only him. I felt like i was only there to service him in that way that this was what he was lacking from on his selfish behavior. 

The constant lies and then him saying that he lost it because it was to late. That I should have came to him earlier, he jnitiated it not me. Or it was that the oral went to fat he was overly stimulated and lost it, I should have stopped sooner. I moved and that caused it. Never his masturbation addiction. The phone finally stopped going with him each morning but the behavior continued.

When addressing the problem I done some research that indicated he would have to be desensatized from not only the porn but also his hand. I asked him if we could try some new things to see if that would help us. He was not willing. 

But after so long of the blame games, I have started to think maybe it is my fault he is having problems. have left him before and I fell into his trap and came back. I decided that if it came to that again he would have to leave. He refuses. I pay the mortgage, home insurance all the things for the house. I am not leaving my home,again because he will not pay for it.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Next time he wants oral sex you say......."Me first". And then it's your turn to leave him "hanging". 

His johnson might be broke but his mouth isn't.


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## Suspect (Jan 12, 2016)

I totally agree there are other options besides it being all one sided. The worst part is he gets upset but he brought it on himself. If i thought it was medical I would not be upset at all. He is having a satisfying sex life with his masturbation. Or I am assuming it is satisfying because hr cant stop.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

OP, you'll find anything to do with porn is defended almost to the point of worship by some. The only thing left is for someone to ask if you've gained weight.

😞

What your husband is doing is selfish. The end.


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

Long story short, I got addicted to porn and masturbation but how and why I did is completely different than him (and you.)
I can say that I would have always preferred sex with my wife over porn/mb so I can't relate or understand why he prefers it in the first place. I imagine he was looking for more variety and flavor to satisfying sexual curiosities or fantasies without burdening you and that just escalated to the point of no return. There is nothing sinister about it's just like trying a drug our of curiosity or boredom and becoming addicted to it needing more and more.

I can only tell you how I think you can fix this.

First, this is an addiction just like caffeine or any other drug. Porn and masturbation give a dopamine dose to the brain, and the next day your brain wants it again so it urges you to do it again. Same as the way drugs do it (in part.) Having real sex with a real woman with orgasm does not deliver the same dopamine dose, so it doesn't satisfy the addiction. So wrap your brain around that. He does it daily because he'd go crazy if he didn't. If you're addicted to caffeine, you know how you can't function unless you have a cup of coffee. Same thing.

How do you fix it?

First, he has to stop cold turkey. No more porn, no more masturbation. Delete apps, create blocks on your internet. He should do whatever he can to make it less convenient to get to porn. That is messing with his brain and things will not improve until he removes it.

He has to stop masturbating. He is probably doing a "death grip" which is clenching the penis with such force that is way more sensation that what it would be with you. It's why I could keep myself hard, but as soon as I entered my wife's V I would start going soft. Also, the orgasm he gets from masturbation is different than that of an orgasm from penetration. His brain is addicted to the masturbation orgasm and he has to break that addiction.

So you have to convince him to stop. You do this by being supportive and non-judgemental. Constructively tell him you'd like to improve your sexual relationship and the only way is for him to stop. He may not realize he's addicted, so have him look up "Porn induced Erectile Dysfunction (PIED)." Have him visit yourbrainrebalanced.com which is stories of guys "rebooting". Now those guys use complete abstinence to "reboot" and I disagree that he needs to do that. He just needs to stop his activity and focus all of that sexual energy on you.

So if you can say "I want you to have sex with me and not do that anymore" and don't talk about how it makes you feel. Don't give him a guilt trip about how it affects you. Be constructive about how you love him, you're attracted to him, and just want him and want him to want you instead of that. Keep it positive. This is an obstacle keeping you two from having a healthy sex life and it'll be better if he stops that. Maybe even try to indulge fetishes, fantasies, or kinks if you're open to it and if you think it'll help. I don't know, whatever you think you can do to seduce him I guess. Guys (at least I) love that.

He will cheat. He will relapse and look at porn and he will masturbate. Don't get pissed, be supportive. He's going through withdrawals and it can be tough. Have the attitude that while it's a setback, it is progress. Try to create an environment where it isn't you "catching" him doing porn/mb, but rather he can admit "sorry, I fell off the horse today and did it, honey. I'll try better next time." Then you say, "How can I help you prevent that. Before you go off to the bathroom to do do that, ask me to do it for you."

Oh, and then there is depression and irritability. The depression is from the dopamine withdrawals. It is temporary, but he may experience unexplained depression or be irritable. It shouldn't last a long time (one to a few days?) but just be prepared for it.

Unfortunately, you've already been patient and supportive and selfless and here I'm telling you to be more. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think it'll help bring him into the open about the problem and work without instead of sneak off and hide it.

Get him some ED drugs. I had a performance issue when with my wife driven in part by performance anxiety. So worried I wouldn't stay erect that I'd psyche myself out. If he can get erect, the meds will keep him there and he can perform no matter what. Cialis works great but it's still kind of expensive. Generic viagra is pretty cheap now. One problem with Cialis is that it works for days and I found that I almost made my problem worse as I'd get hard easier and just need to do something about it. Viagra works for a few hours.
Use of this stuff can be temporary. After stopping porn/mb and having good sex with you for a while, he can back off or eliminate the use of the meds. Just use it as a temporary tool (hopefully.)

Sex with you won't satisfy his masturbation craving. It may amplify it as the brain gets a taste of dopamine from the sex orgasm and then craves the masturbation orgasm. He has to try to power through this and deny it. But you may catch him wanting to dissappear to the bathroom to take the edge off. The more he resists or does it with you instead, the better.

Bottom line, he has to reprogram his brain to prefer sex with you instead of himself. It sounds stupid, but there is a real physiological issue. It's a simple solution, but getting him to identify the issue, stop it, and work with you is what needs to happen. After only a month or so of work, things could be back to normal if you have regular sex.

I threw a lot out there. Sorry for the overload. I can try to clearify if you have questions.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I once talked to a lady whose husband was a long term porn user. She had tried everything to get him to stop with no success. 
One day she gave him the choice, porn or her, and she was fully prepared to end the marriage. Guess what, he stopped. Once he realised that she was no longer going to enable his behaviour, he choose the marriage. 
Thats what I would do in your situation. Tell him that he either stops and you both work on the marriage, or you will start the divorce. 
Then he has the choice.


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## Suspect (Jan 12, 2016)

No I have not gained weight but I can say he gas let himself go.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Suspect said:


> When addressing the problem I done some research that indicated he would have to be desensatized from not only the porn but also his hand. I asked him if we could try some new things to see if that would help us. He was not willing.


Porn can create multifaceted problems that are mostly related to withdrawn communication and low self confidence fueled by shame and guilt. 

Try to offer to help your husband and it just adds fuel to the death spiral of relationship withdrawal. Because in order to admit he needs help, he has to confront his shame and guilt. Because porn is often used as an "escape" mechanism as well, it also serves as an easy place to just run away from problems and try to self medicate oneself with pleasure. 

Awkwardly one of the best way to help is to try and find ways to let him help you, and use that as an opportunity to work on his self confidence whenever something good happens. 

Regards,
Badsanta


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Suspect said:


> I totally agree there are other options besides it being all one sided. The worst part is he gets upset but he brought it on himself. If i thought it was medical I would not be upset at all. He is having a satisfying sex life with his masturbation. Or I am assuming it is satisfying because hr cant stop.



I am dealing with the same thing and I feel like this too... if it was an actual medical issue, I would not feel the resentment that I do. He has “performance issues” so he doesn’t even try.. not even just for me, like oral. I know his **** works because he beats the damn thing off all the time and I have success if I give oral. He puts in zero effort to get to the bottom of his issue... probably because he knows it isn’t a medical/physical issue. He’s not attracted to me... if he was then he would do what he could to have some intimacy with me. Now, I have no idea how much this goes on because we don’t live together. I have no doubt it involves porn, we have discussed porn a few different times, like what our preferences are, etc. My worry is whether he is interacting with other women online to beat off with. 

So I feel your frustration, it sucks being sexless to someone’s goddam hand. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Suspect said:


> ....It was not confrontational. He would complain about his wrist and shoulder hurting I would say something to the efdect that if he would stop playing around he wouldnt have that much pain.
> 
> *I had difficulty initiating anything with him because of how it made me feel. Worthless, not good enough, why that when I am right here.* So he would be the kne to initiate and then would not be able too. I finally asked him why he had to have his phone with him even to shower and bathroom. He didnt have an answer. *His sleep eas being disrupted because he could not wait till morning to masturbate.* To the extent it was 4 in the morning. Then go back to bed. *I finally asked him if he was looking at porn. It was not accusatory just a question. He said no I said no more. He lied. I continued to let it go on and during this time I was expected to provide him with oral relief.* No sex between us, nothing mutual only him. I felt like i was only there to service him in that way that this was what he was lacking from on his selfish behavior.
> 
> ...





Suspect said:


> I totally agree there are other options besides it being all one sided. The worst part is he gets upset but he brought it on himself. *If i thought it was medical I would not be upset at all. He is having a satisfying sex life with his masturbation.* Or I am assuming it is satisfying because hr cant stop.


My 2 cents. Assuming you want to save your marriage there are some things you can do. Apologize to him for rubbing his face in his masturbation problem. Tell him that you have been reading about masturbation and thinking about things and you want to apologize. Tell him you love him and want to be part of his sex life. Tell him you don't want him to hide his sexuality. 

Ask him if you could watch and hold him while he masturbates. Even if it means joining him and his phone in the shower. Tell him that you want to be part of his sex life. You don't want him to hide his sexuality from you. You are his wife and want to be part of and share his sexuality. Watch him masturbate, encourage him too cum for you, praise him and thank him for sharing his orgasm with you. Them tell him how much you enjoyed watching his orgasm. Build a sex life of some form together. 

Then ask him if you can take a more active role in his masturbation. Maybe you can hold his testicles, kiss him, or even stroke his penis. The point is to transition from masturbation to a "him only" activity into a couples activity. 

At some point ask if you can masturbate for him while he holds you. Again figure out some way to change masturbation into a couples activity. Then slowly work toward creating the kind of sexual encounter that you want. Rather than complaining about his masturbation and embarrassing him over it, embrace it and turn it to your advantage.

Good luck. Of course, if you want you can always just give up and divorce him. You need to decide what you really want.


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## woman (Aug 19, 2011)

Young at Heart said:


> My 2 cents. Assuming you want to save your marriage there are some things you can do. Apologize to him for rubbing his face in his masturbation problem. Tell him that you have been reading about masturbation and thinking about things and you want to apologize. Tell him you love him and want to be part of his sex life. Tell him you don't want him to hide his sexuality.
> 
> Ask him if you could watch and hold him while he masturbates. Even if it means joining him and his phone in the shower. Tell him that you want to be part of his sex life. You don't want him to hide his sexuality from you. You are his wife and want to be part of and share his sexuality. Watch him masturbate, encourage him too cum for you, praise him and thank him for sharing his orgasm with you. Them tell him how much you enjoyed watching his orgasm. Build a sex life of some form together.
> 
> Then ask him if you can take a more active role in his masturbation. Maybe you can hold his testicles, kiss him, or even stroke his penis. The point is to transition from masturbation to a "him only" activity into a couples activity


I wish tam had a laugh react.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

:laugh:


woman said:


> I wish tam had a laugh react.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Suspect said:


> No I have not gained weight but I can say he gas let himself go.


Having read feedback from both sides, (actually a triangle) of the fence on feedback so far:

1. Keep telling him to stop, but tactfully, as you want sex with him.

2. Tell him you want to join in, see if that gradually can be a success, then include more traditional sex as you personally lead him around "by your hand". 

3. Tell him to stop or you'll leave him, or some variation. 

If my recap isn't complete, all pls add too.

Some further thoughts.

I see you indicated you haven't gained weight but he has let himself go.

Has he had a complete physical lately? Mobility and bloodwork?

Is it possible his knees, hips, or similar, pain him enough to stop him from being able (or otherwise believe it's so) to perform in your normal/ traditional sexual positions, ie feel "he's not the man he used to be" so doesn't want to try?

Does his weight restrict him in similar manner(s)?

How heavy is he, has he errantly formed negative body issues, like some do?

I'm not saying he's not gone too far, keeping porn as his only outlet, just asking broader questions. 

It seems he wants to be married to you, loves you, just caught in a closed loop, something is keeping him from breaking out, liking real sex again. 

Likely it's a mixture of things. And this type of problem is more challenging than many. Because it's likely not just one thing to "solve" ie if this then that.

I have to ask the following, even if I'm projecting a little; do you run around in tight jeans, underwear, lingerie, ie look hot for him (and yourself)? Do you and he like things "trimmed", are they?

Forgive any questions that may go too far. 

I'm just attempting to gather more data, ask questions that may not have been asked, open lines of thought maybe yet unexplored.

It does seem he loves you and your marriage, I'm proceeding in that manner unless you or he have specific nonsexual problems that go another way. 

Are there any other problems that have caused him to not be closer to you?

Best,

RR


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Having read feedback from both sides, (actually a triangle) of the fence on feedback so far:
> 
> 1. Keep telling him to stop, but tactfully, as you want sex with him.
> 
> ...


I think that your recap is complete, with the possible exception of getting professional assistance from a sex therapist/marriage counselor.

What is missing is that one partner can not force their spouse to change, one can only change themself, change the way they will allow themself to be treated, or change the dynamics in a relationship and hope things might improve.

Items 1 and 3 in your list are attempts to force him to change. They may sometimes work, but not often.

It is clear that both members of the marriage have done things to harm the marriage and each other. That somehow needs to stop if the marriage is to avoid any further breakdown. Can the marriage be saved at this point? It depends how badly each of the partners want the marriage to continue. As you point out he seem to love her and not want divorce, she seems to be reaching out for ideas...........so if both commit to the marriage and repairing their relationship, there may be hope.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> What is missing is that one partner can not force their spouse to change, one can only change themself, change the way they will allow themself to be treated, or change the dynamics in a relationship and hope things might improve.


Most often in reality this works out to, "stop trying to change oneself into somebody you are not" and simply learn confidently to just be yourself. 

People go through life with this idea or goal of achieving something super significant that will help define who they want to be. Often these goals are unrealistic and/or life just turns our to be messy and full of obstacles/setbacks. Meanwhile most go through life failing to ever just be themselves and appreciate the simple things. You give up, let go, and convince yourself no one will ever love you. Queue the porn and withdrawal from life itself. 

Once someone simply learns to be themself and be confident about it, that is often defined as making a change. But did that person really change, or did they finally decide to stop trying to change?

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Suspect (Jan 12, 2016)

As far as rubbing his face in it when I made rhe comment was only once. But he has multiple times of saying hurtful things to me because he can't seem to keep an erection. There is always an excuse that makes it me rhe reason he can't ger it up. So yea I said something and he wasnt listening before when I was being supportive and the reaction was from the final straw of being lied to yet again. 

Working wife gets it. I just want to be left alone without his emotions being flung at me with beratement and being humiliated again and again by him for a problem he has.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Why is he using the porn if he has a willing partner when he wants it?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Honestly, not only is this guy is a complete pig, but he's a SELFISH pig to boot.

The fool thinks the whole world revolves around *his* genitals or something. I don't blame you for not even wanting to touch him anymore. I wouldn't touch this guy for practice.


> Apologize to him for rubbing his face in his masturbation problem. Tell him that you have been reading about masturbation and thinking about things and you want to apologize. Tell him you love him and want to be part of his sex life. Tell him you don't want him to hide his sexuality.


I honestly couldn't disagree with this more if I tried. Don't pander to him. You don't owe this guy ANY apology. He's a selfish, nasty, verbally and emotionally abusive ass-hole who blames you for _*his*_ inadequacies in bed and worse, when you DO have 'sex,' it consists of servicing him while _you're _left hanging. Golly, what a lucky lucky girl you are.

Just because he has an addiction to jerking himself off constantly DOESN'T give him license to act as though *your* needs no longer matter anymore, nor does it give him license to talk to you like you're dirt under his shoe. 

The only 'apology' this selfish ass-clown deserves is one from your lawyer as you bleed his sorry ass dry in divorce court.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Get a really short skirt and make a couple walk bys near the local construction site .......

I'm joking ..... wait.... AM I ??????????????


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Young at Heart said:


> My 2 cents. Assuming you want to save your marriage there are some things you can do. Apologize to him for rubbing his face in his masturbation problem. Tell him that you have been reading about masturbation and thinking about things and you want to apologize. Tell him you love him and want to be part of his sex life. Tell him you don't want him to hide his sexuality.
> 
> Ask him if you could watch and hold him while he masturbates. Even if it means joining him and his phone in the shower. Tell him that you want to be part of his sex life. You don't want him to hide his sexuality from you. You are his wife and want to be part of and share his sexuality. Watch him masturbate, encourage him too cum for you, praise him and thank him for sharing his orgasm with you. Them tell him how much you enjoyed watching his orgasm. Build a sex life of some form together.
> 
> ...


LOLOLOLOL

Why not just buy him more porn and offer to get a pole for the bedroom


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> The point is to transition from masturbation to a "him only" activity into a couples activity.


This is what my buddy did when his wife had cancer. PIV was totally out. Her doing anything to him was pretty much out. But he insisted that she take part in his masturbation sessions. It maintained a sexual connection between them.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Holdingontoit said:


> This is what my buddy did when his wife had cancer. PIV was totally out. Her doing anything to him was pretty much out. But he insisted that she take part in his masturbation sessions. It maintained a sexual connection between them.




T/J. It just made me giggle when you (your username) responded to a masturbation thread  


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Holdingontoit said:


> This is what my buddy did when his wife had cancer. PIV was totally out. Her doing anything to him was pretty much out. But he insisted that she take part in his masturbation sessions. It maintained a sexual connection between them.



I think the ship has sailed for this approach to be taken though, because he has made her feel like crap for so long, she doesn’t feel the closeness any more that this would require. 




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