# Separated 3 Months - Hot/Cold Wife



## WontBeMe (Mar 28, 2015)

Hello everyone. I am a newcomer, but have been lurking on this forum and reading other’s journeys for a few months. I need some advice from the forum members on my current situation.

*My Story (it’s long, please bear with me):*

My wife and I have been together for 7.5 years, married for 6.5 years and were friends for about 9 months before we started dating. I was in a long-dead marriage when we first met, and she was in a dead relationship. I got a divorce and she ended her relationship (both were amicable and long overdue), and moved myself and my young son 1,500 miles to live with her and her teenage daughter in her home. We married 6 months after I moved in.

Our relationship started off very intensely, and continued that way for the first 5 years of our marriage. I couldn’t have imagined loving anyone more, and neither could she. We were best friends, inseperable, and truly faithful to each other. 
We weren’t very financially secure when we first got together, but I longed to be able to give her everything that she wanted and deserved, so I started my ascent up the corporate ladder in an attempt to earn more money. We both changed jobs to improve our financial situation. Because of this, we were able to take nice family vacations, and remodel our (her) home. Our kids were happy, we were happy, and things were great. We were considered by everyone to be the perfect couple. 

About 1.5 years ago, I was in a stressful job that kept me away from the house until late every night. I didn’t have as much time to spend with the family, and my wife called me on it. We started arguing more frequently, and she began to drink again (she drank heavily before we were married. I threatened to leave her after a year, and she stopped for several years). Last March, we had a false split (I looked at apartments, but we decided that we didn’t want to separate), and then continued on together after some long discussions. Neither of us made any changes during this time, unfortunately. I was happy that we hadn’t separated, but things just weren’t the same between us.
Our arguing and her drinking intensified and last December, she told me that she wanted me to move out of her house. That she loved me, but was no longer in love with me. I begged, cried and pleaded, but she was firm. She said that she wanted a divorce. I moved out in January with my son. I asked her to go to MC, but she refused. I have been in IC for the last few weeks.

It has been nearly 3 months since we have separated. During this time, we have seen each other at least once per week for different reasons, keep in touch via text, and have been out together on 3 occasions. On each of those occasions, we end the night by lying on the bed together watching TV, and she falls asleep on me. We hold hands, flirt, and generally act like a couple still when we are out together. The problem is, the next few days afterwards she acts like I don’t exist. The hot/cold treatment is tearing me up. We most recently went out together 2 weeks ago, had a wonderful time (she didn’t want the night to end), but now the only communication we have is initiated by me, and she is very short in her responses, and sometimes doesn’t respond at all. I feel like she is doing a 180 on me!
Her (now adult) daughter still lives with her and is happy that we are separated. My MIL is happy about it as well and they are both very vocal about it to her. She is very close to them both, so I am sure that they give her crap about seeing me. 
I did my investigative work before I moved, and she was not involved with anyone else. 

There is more, of course, but I didn’t want to overwhelm everyone in my first post. Any advice? Is the hot/cold behavior normal?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this.

Up to now you have been pursing her. Perhaps it's time that you put more energy into yourself and your son. Sort of a 180 I guess but modified so that if she contacts you, you will go out with her if you choose.

Do this for a bit and see if your not pursuing her will make her wonder what's up and she might contact you.

She's in an environment that is toxic to your relationship. So that's not good.

You say that you moved quite a distance with your son after your divorce. Does your ex see your son very often? Is she around? Just wondering.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Is she still drinking heavily? Perhaps she is going on alcohol benders, which is causing her to "disappear" for days at a time.

Does she work?

The mother and daughter sound like enablers and toxic to your marriage.

I'm sorry you're here.


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## WontBeMe (Mar 28, 2015)

Thank you for the quick replies. 

My ex only sees my son 1x per year (for a few weeks). Involved, but barely.

My wife does work (12 hour days) and is a daily drinker now, so she hasn't just been disappearing. 

The MIL and SD have always been in a power struggle with me over my wife's attention. Toxic, yes.

When we first separated, we used to talk about our relationship, things I did wrong, etc., and that she didn't know what the future held, but that "time will tell and actions will tell". But it has been about 6 weeks since any talk of our relationship has happened. In fact, she won't even talk to me on the phone anymore. Everything now is through text messages. She tells me that I deserve to be loved, but that she doesn't know if she is capable of loving like true love is supposed to be anymore. 

She kisses me goodbye (on the neck) when we part ways after a night out and hugs me, but I just don't know how to read the hot/cold thing.

Also, she has kept pictures of us up in the bedroom, but has taken them down everywhere else in the house. She hasn't worn her wedding ring in months, but still wears an infinity ring (I have a matching one) and the mizpah pendant that she bought when we got together (I still wear mine too).


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Learn to detach and let go. When your improving yourself, and if she wants another chance with you, she will have to grow as a person as well.

Hard as it is, admit that it is over, and operate in that fashion. Make new friends, learn new things, take care of your body, and all these positive changes will impact you slowly as your brain rewires itself. Keep in mind that it is a process, and it takes time to notice the changes.

Attachments, or love fades over time if not reinforced. Those neurological pathways slowly fade.

The current situation and environment makes a relationship impossible at this point. Leave the ball in her court, and once your tired of waiting, quit the game and move on.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Her drinking is a major problem, don't you think?
Alcohol allows her to rug sweep her unhappiness. She goes hot and cold because she is going up and down emotionally. You are a kind of chaser or morning after tonic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I agree with some others that you should focus on yourself. That's all you really have control of after all. If your wife wants a divorce then there's nothing you can do about that except look more attractive to her. And you certainly can't make her stop drinking if she wants to. So eat well, sleep well, exercise, stay busy, and don't stress over things you can't control. Good luck man.


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## WontBeMe (Mar 28, 2015)

I have slowly been detaching over the last 6 weeks. After the 1st night out followed by the hot/cold routine, I have been less receptive to her than before. When we go out, we have fun and reconnect, but it isn't long lasting. We both pull away in fear of being hurt (or rejected) by the other. And it takes a couple of weeks to build back up that confidence and then we go out again. 

I have been focusing on myself more and doing things with my son. I have been exercising more and getting my life in order. I have reconnected with family and old friends, and have started going to church again. IC has been helping me to deal with the personal garbage that I have been carrying around for years. 

Yes, the drinking is a problem, but it isn't a deal breaker for me. It was there before we got married, subsided for quite some time, and then resurfaced when our marriage was in the critical zone. The extreme anger that she shows me at times when drinking is the most concerning. But that even has subsided for the past several months. 

There hasn't been any mention of divorce since before I moved out. We are in limbo. We both love each other, but there are so many roadblocks.

I love my wife and want my family back together, but am on an emotional rollercoaster with the hot/cold, mixed signal business.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You helped fix up her house. Now she has no more use for you. Your son means nada to her. Best to go dark on her. File for divorce. 

If she wants to R, tell her she has to go into IC and stop drinking.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Can I ask why you chose to leave....is it not your home as well ?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

She has to want to stop drinking if she doesn't you don't want to live with an alcoholic and have your son exposed to this.
Without stopping alcoholics do not get better.
Sorry man.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Sounds like she is trying to buy time.
Is there a special date coming up...like the difference between a certain time of alimony versus lifetime?

I personally would file to shake her up and see what she is hiding.
You dont have to complete the process if it goes better than expected, but you HAVE to stop buying into her crap and ambivalence.

Read up on the 180 and execute the plan.
You should never be someones "second option".


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## WontBeMe (Mar 28, 2015)

Thank you everyone for the replies and advice. It is greatly appreciated. 

I had to move out of the house as it was her's before we got married, and she no longer wanted me there.

Things have shifted slightly over the last week. Our phone communication has resumed, and she even told me that she loved me last night. That was only the second time I have heard her say it since we split up. I have not said it to her in about 6 weeks. It was good to hear it.

I have brought up the drinking in the past, even gave an ultimatum, but have come to realize that the only way that she will stop is if she truly wants to for herself. I can't force it, unfortunately. 

I have hopes that she decides to go to IC and work through her issues as well. I think that peeling back some of the layers may help her to see that her drinking is an issue. 

I know that I love her, and that I want my marriage to work. I have such a hard time reading the hot/cold thing. I have started some of the 180, but, some of her behavior suggests that she may be doing the 180 on me! If we are both doing 180, isn't that counterproductive?


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

You misunderstand the 180. It is not a manipulative tool to get your wife back but an self empowerment tool to emotionally detach from your wife. It is to protect you, and your heart.


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## WontBeMe (Mar 28, 2015)

Thanks chaos. I would have an easier time detaching if I understood the hot/cold treatment better. What causes that behavior?


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