# I am loosing it



## lotsoftears57 (Aug 25, 2013)

Okay, my so call husband of 30 yrs which for the past 20 yrs has turned into a room mate is now going through a recovery period of being addicted to prescription pain pills for the past 7 years. From the beginning of August I have been going through hell with his detoxing and trying to help support him. Trying to be a nurse to him.So, now I given up asking him if he needs something to eat, drink etc. I have been going with him to the doctors and have giving up 2 weeks of work to stay home so that he doesn't hurt himself and to make sure he takes his meds properly and he doesn't listen to me. It's now over a month and I feel he is getting back at me. he will at times get out of bed to to certain things he wants to do. other wise he will just be so hopeless and he will just sleep for 12 hours and sometime doesn't want to take a bath. I try to be nice, but now I am over being nice. At this point I hate to say it I have already thought about a divorce and now that his putting me through this helplessness crap. I have come to hate him. I have had thoughts were I wish he would just die. I don't know how much more I can take of this with him. He yells at me when I just ask him to do just the littlest thing. Like take the dog out to do his thing or will you go take a bath you will feel better. The meeting's that his attending for his addiction he says he doesn't belong there. He tells me I don't understand what his going through. I got so mad, cause I have been there and I know what's it like!! I am clan and sober for 20 yrs now. I have spoken to his doctors and I cried in the doctors office. I want him to be institutionalize in an in patient ward. Away from me!!! Before I go insane seeing and being with him in bed looking all hopeless or yelling me. I hate this so bad. I won't leave because I have my a beautiful Grand Daughter 3 yrs old and one more baby girl soon to arrive any day now. I am most happy when I am with them. My son and his wife lives with me and they know what I am going through. I Grand Daughter keeps me strong and going. But with my room mate it's dead and tiring.:lol:


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Sounds to me like he needs a wake up call. He has NO IDEA what his behavior is doing to you, and if you are getting close to the point of being willing to walk away or wishing he would die, then you have waited too long to make that clear to him.

I don't know how you should do it, but you've got to find a way to sit down with him and be 100% direct and clear about your feelings. That the marriage has been a roommate scenario for 20 years. That you have lost your attraction for him. That he takes you for granted and mistreats you. While you haven't yet decided on divorce, you are already at the point where you believe it will be the best course of action. (YES that statement needs to be said) With that said, you are willing to give him a last chance if he wants it, but you need him to understand exactly what the expectations will be.

I think the idea is it has to be clear and concise, with no room whatsoever for misunderstanding. We men often feel like women change their minds so often and let their temporary emotions drive their words, that we can't be sure that they really mean what they are saying. Then if those words aren't backed up by actions, then it appears that our doubt was justified. So you have to be brutally honest so that he understands just how dire the situation is, so that he clearly understands exactly what his choices are.

He can accept that the marriage is over by doing nothing, or he can take the time to accept and affirm the areas where he has failed you and start taking steps to address them. He can also offer up his own feelings perhaps of areas where he feels you have failed him, and then you both might have areas that need effort. Either way, I think after 30 years, you owe him the opportunity to WAKE UP and help save his marriage, because I am guessing that you feel like you have been doing it alone for a while now.


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## lotsoftears57 (Aug 25, 2013)

Thank you CDbaker, I will have to calm myself down to find the right time to speak to him clearly. Right now during his detoxing and medical drama, he is not all there. I am also soon to have my second Granddaughter arriving anytime. You are so right, and he has been so comfortable in his own way and not willing to change within himself. He feels that by him working hard and giving me money will keep me quiet and it will keep us from talking seriously. When I do speak to him seriously he gets either real upset and acts so foolish and starts to argue with me. Then we get nowhere's. We have gone to marriage counseling for one year and it still doesn't work. :scratchhead:


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Oh sure he'll get upset. He'll try to defend himself. And in his view, he is supporting you by providing for you and while he probably doesn't think that treating you well otherwise is meaningless, he certainly doesn't think it's very important. The message here can overcome any defense he has though, because you can always wait till he finishes and say, "The bottom line is, I am not happy, and I am choosing to not continue being married to the man you have become. Whether you "agree" with that sentiment or not is irrelevant. If you would like for us to have another chance at salvaging this marriage, I am willing to make that effort one more time. Certainly I have not been perfect either after all. If you are unwilling to accept any responsibility however, then there is really nothing more to discuss."

"But this is outrageous! I meet your every need! How can you..."

Repeat above. Etc. Don't get sucked into an argument because regardless of the topic of the argument, it isn't going to change anything. Try to speak calmly and in a somewhat caring tone, and be willing to give him some time to process everything. If he is prone to intense anger, you might be better off scheduling this with an MC present?

Try not to be too angry about his "he has been so comfortable in his own way and not willing to change within himself." part, especially because you surely share some of the responsibility for that. No it's certainly not your fault, but he has become that way because you allowed him to turn out that way by not pushing back sooner. Because he wasn't challenged on those things as they appeared little by little, or there was little follow-through on the challenges. Nonetheless, he still has to change now though.


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## lotsoftears57 (Aug 25, 2013)

Thank you sooo much cdbaker. You have given me great advise and I will follow through on this


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I thought I would check in, how's it going?


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