# Sex is just not the same



## Anonima1 (Jul 6, 2018)

First of all, I have to say I am quite desperate. I am a sort of newly wed, I am attractive, fit, and I get plenty of attention from men. I am not trying to sound stuck up or anything like that, just stating facts so you can PLEASE help me. 
Like I said, I am married, in my 20's, My husband is in his 30's and I have a HUGE problem in bed with him. 
First issue is that he doesn't kiss me during sex, like at all! I am the one who starts the kissing and recently while I tried to kiss him while he was touching me, he turned away, (and I know I am a really good kisser, that is not the problem). When he did this I felt so bad, I lost all the intention of being with him intimate. Before this incident I had already realized the kissing issue, most of the time when he initiates the whole sex thing, all he really does is use his hand down there with me, but while he is doing it he looks away, no kissing, no other kind of touching or ANYTHING!! at first I thought maybe he just was tired or something, but now when he does that I have to mentally think of something sexy or hot to get on the mood, because the whole touching and looking away is really a turn off for me big time! Another thing is that I am a very active and open person when it comes to sex, I have done striptease for him, hand-jobs, blowjobs, well anything I can think of, I have done it! but him, he has MAYBE gone "downstars" maybe 3 times and we have almost a year of marriage. Another issue is that he doesn't last very long, and therefore I almost never cum.. I am seriously at the edge where I don't know what to do, I have tried to insinuate this stuff to him but I don't think he really gives me an answer. Most of the time after he is done, I have to finish on my own because I am soooo NOT DONE... I am trying this forum because well, I am really embarrassed to tell anyone I know. My husband aside from the sex issue is a great man, he is attentive, in his way, not really romantic, but he is always checking if I need anything... but I am desperate, DESPERATE!! so many ideas have cross my mind, my self steem is so low, I feel like maybe he is just not attracted to me... And what gets me the most is the fact that so many men have tried to be with me, even after being married and I have always refused because I respect and love my husband.. but I just do not know what to do anymore... please if you have gone thru something like this, help me.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

"I have tried to insinuate this stuff to him"

Stop insinuating. It still may not help but you have to flat out tell that dude what you want. Talk to him, voice your concerns, let him know everything.

DO;
- let him know you are attracted to him and love being with him
- what you are not happy with in bed
- what you want in bed
- recommendations

DONT
- insinuate, guess or have him try to read your mind
- tell him about how other guys want you
- give up

If he is a great man, if he cares about you, he will find a way to address your needs unless he has a mental issue. There are a lot of good couples sex books out there. Get one or a few and read them together and make it fun.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

How was the sex before you got married? Was it the same as it was now?


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## Anonima1 (Jul 6, 2018)

it was definitively better than now, to be quite honest its been just a few times that's it has being GREAT, but at least before he would try harder to be with me, now I even feel a little used :'(


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Anonima1 said:


> it was definitively better than now, to be quite honest its been just a few times that's it has being GREAT, but at least before he would try harder to be with me, now I even feel a little used :'(


It's early in the game, communication, communication and more communication!

Just let him know. In these cases, I'm always worried about the party that has the resentment letting it build to where it gets so deep they don't even want to try and then they let the temptations take over. Please don't let it get that far.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

An important question is whether he doesn't care about pleasing you, or doesn't know how to please you. The second can be fixed, the first is very difficult to fix. 

Does he care about your happiness in other ways?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

uhtred said:


> An important question is whether he doesn't care about pleasing you, or doesn't know how to please you. The second can be fixed, the first is very difficult to fix.
> 
> Does he care about your happiness in other ways?


She mentioned he does but is not 'romantic' so he may need help in this regard. Before it might have been all effort and attention making up for method. Now he might need help with method.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Does he have any history of being abused including as a child?

Has he witnessed abuse growing up?

He appears to be experiencing intimacy problems for sure and they most often are result from past emotional pain, more often than not from abuse as a child.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Has he always had premature ejaculation problems?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Gotta talk to him. He needs the chance to do better before his whole marriage blows up. These posts make me sad. So many people wish their partner was like you. So many people have a partner like you and don't at least try. Sad.

For your own benefit. Don't have kids yet until you fix this if you can. And divorce him don't cheat. Save your own dignity.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I hear you on the sex not being the same after marriage. We dated for 2 years and I was quite happy with our intimacy and he was also a great catch I thought. But after marriage things changed a bit. I was desperate as well and cried silently many times--just didn't know what to do. We visited a sex store and bought a few things but it was still the same. 

*Don't* do what I did and just move on to the next 'project' which was buying a house and having children as I thought it would just get better. Keep talking with him, maybe visit the sex stores or even pick-up a book about sex--plenty of them at the book stores. Not sure I would've visited a sex therapist way back when BUT they are popular now and could help you out in the near future if nothing else does. Best of luck!


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I'm so sorry. I'm just going to throw this out there blindly because I think it is a modern epidemic... Is he a long time porn user?

I believe porn distorts young men's normal sense of what they get turned on by. If he's conditioned to visual stimulation only (the screen only for years) then kissing, tastes, caresses, smells, aren't something that he is used to as a turn on. The fact that he turns away and doesn't want to connect emotionally sounds like symptoms of a man habitually used to sex in the form of porn and masturbation. It could have other causes, but I believe this is common in young men... served with years of hard core porn, starting at young ages. 

I'm sorry if the porn lovers will now hijack your thread in defense of porn!

Think about this though... If you take a 13 year old boy and expose him to porn at least daily for fifteen (or more) years, what effect will that have on his future sex life with his wife?


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## Husband2016 (May 27, 2018)

Anonima1 said:


> First of all, I have to say I am quite desperate. I am a sort of newly wed, I am attractive, fit, and I get plenty of attention from men. I am not trying to sound stuck up or anything like that, just stating facts so you can PLEASE help me.
> Like I said, I am married, in my 20's, My husband is in his 30's and I have a HUGE problem in bed with him.
> First issue is that he doesn't kiss me during sex, like at all! I am the one who starts the kissing and recently while I tried to kiss him while he was touching me, he turned away, (and I know I am a really good kisser, that is not the problem). When he did this I felt so bad, I lost all the intention of being with him intimate. Before this incident I had already realized the kissing issue, most of the time when he initiates the whole sex thing, all he really does is use his hand down there with me, but while he is doing it he looks away, no kissing, no other kind of touching or ANYTHING!! at first I thought maybe he just was tired or something, but now when he does that I have to mentally think of something sexy or hot to get on the mood, because the whole touching and looking away is really a turn off for me big time! Another thing is that I am a very active and open person when it comes to sex, I have done striptease for him, hand-jobs, blowjobs, well anything I can think of, I have done it! but him, he has MAYBE gone "downstars" maybe 3 times and we have almost a year of marriage. Another issue is that he doesn't last very long, and therefore I almost never cum.. I am seriously at the edge where I don't know what to do, I have tried to insinuate this stuff to him but I don't think he really gives me an answer. Most of the time after he is done, I have to finish on my own because I am soooo NOT DONE... I am trying this forum because well, I am really embarrassed to tell anyone I know. My husband aside from the sex issue is a great man, he is attentive, in his way, not really romantic, but he is always checking if I need anything... but I am desperate, DESPERATE!! so many ideas have cross my mind, my self steem is so low, I feel like maybe he is just not attracted to me... And what gets me the most is the fact that so many men have tried to be with me, even after being married and I have always refused because I respect and love my husband.. but I just do not know what to do anymore... please if you have gone thru something like this, help me.


Rarely does a problem only arise in the bedroom. Your post seems to indicate it’s only the bedroom issue, but that it was better before. My question to you is, has anything else changed in the same time? Perhaps stress at work? Something on his mind? One poster mentioned porn, that could be an issue, but your post doesn’t Indicate one way or another. But if he finishes quickly, I doubt he does so excessively. Generally, getting off by hand makes a man last longer or unable to orgasm without a helping hand - this doesn’t match your presented issue. 

If you suspect unusual porn use, do you know what he watches? How much he watches? Or have you discussed what turns him on? There’s a healthy mix and unhealthy. 

If it’s performance anxiety, I’d suggest looking into (not sure if I can say it in the forum - but here goes) cockring toy. One of the benefits is lasting longer in the sack. 

He may be looking away so he’s not so aroused for sex. If so, perhaps you/he should release him ahead of time (20-30 mins). Second round always lasted longer for me. 

As another one said, if he just doesn’t care... whole other issue.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

A buddy of mine said there a four things that make life joyful; sex, eating, work/hobbies, and leisure (an individual can add one or two others) Why give up 20-25% of the joys to stay with one person? The reality is that you need to explain to him, in no uncertain terms, that his delivery method is highly unsatisfactory and if he can improve, he'll ultimately lose you. What he's doing, or not doing, is his own willful choices. If he has a problem with you, he needs to put his cards on the table. 
If he can't deal with something that happened to him as a kid, maybe he should just be single. In the meantime, do the diagnostics as long as you can and it it doesn't work, swap him for a different model and let him be somebody elses problem.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I know the conundrum you're in. You want all of this to happen naturally. You want his desire for you to cause him to _want_ to kiss you and actively participate. If you have to compel him, it kind of doesn't "count." It's a tough spot.

All I can tell you is that it won't happen naturally. You'll wait forever, growing increasingly disillusioned and resentful. I think some people are just idiots when it comes to sexual intimacy, perhaps for some of the reasons people have posted above.

You really do have to talk directly with him about it. Make your needs known. He will never be a good lover, sorry to say. But you can get him part way there and it will probably be enough to keep the marriage alive.

Good luck. I feel your pain, having been there myself. I hope you come to a good resolution.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> Does he have any history of being abused including as a child?
> 
> Has he witnessed abuse growing up?
> 
> He appears to be experiencing intimacy problems for sure and they most often are result from past emotional pain, more often than not from abuse as a child.


My thoughts exactly. Turning his head away is a classic symptom of trauma, though not conclusive.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Anonima1 said:


> I have a HUGE problem in bed with him....


It is probably going to continue to get worse as you beat yourself up emotionally and begin harboring resentment. That in turn will manifest itself into all sorts of other problems. 

STEP 1: Communicate your problems and needs. Be very open and also try and determine the needs of your spouse. 

STEP 2: Discuss frequency and try and be really honest with one another. It is just as problematic to push someone for more a higher frequency of intimacy as it is to deny intimate time for one another. 

STEP 3: Sit down and discuss a schedule for intimacy and quality time with one another. 

You can read my thread on that here https://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/384482-benefits-scheduling-intimacy.html

While it is great for intimacy to be spontaneous and natural, in my opinion every healthy couple should be able to schedule it as well. This allows for planning, discussion, and eliminating a great deal of factors that cause stress so that you and your husband can focus and practice on making a meaningful connection with one another. 

QUESTION 1: Ask yourselves what it is as a couple that the two of you need to make each other feel loved during intimacy?

QUESTION 2: Ask yourselves what it is as a couple that the two of you need in order to feel intimacy is soothing and free of stress?

GENERALIZATION: In almost every marriage there will be imbalances in regards to libido. It is always a challenge how to balance each other's desires in a meaningful and positive way. The answers generally revolve around being confident and working on one's own self development to share your own confidence and help your partner be confident. Trying to find ways of doing that with a bit of humor and playfulness seems to be where the magical sparks can always be found. 

OBSERVATION: If your self confidence is low because your husband is not meeting your needs, his emotions will mirror yours in that his self confidence will be low because he may feel incapable of meeting your needs. That combination of feelings can create a death spiral. It is important to try and remove any and all expectations for performance when working through intimacy problems. This is why most forms of sex therapy start by going back to the basics of relearning how to give one another nonsexual intimacy. So an example might be to just give each other back rubs without any expectations of sexual touch, but meanwhile enjoy a meaningful conversation about how to help each other feel loved. 

Hope that helps! 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

I'm sorry you are having a problem and are embarrassed and desperate. As has been said communication, but I think you will find he either has intimacy problems or he is not confident sexually. Before you were married he had to try harder but not now. You may have to take the bull by the horns but depending on his personality I don't know how he would take that. There are things you can try but again it will depend on him.


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