# is it possible to change?



## 2xs (Feb 9, 2009)

guess im another newbie here needing advice. ive been lurking for a while trying to find answers but now feel that i need a more direct answer because everything i have ready seems to relate to me in some matter, but not completely.

To start i am 39 married almost 19 years and have a 17 and a 15 year old. 

the first years of marriage were good, we had lots of good times, and money was never really an issue. my kids were very young, at the time, but i really enjoyed spending time with them. Then 12 years ago, the company i worked for shut down. I ended up taking work 1.5 hrs away, and was driving every day. it seemed that i never was around as much anymore but times were still fair but i was missing out on alot of life. Fast forward 5 years, the company i am working for shuts down the part of the operations that i was involved in. In the struggle for new work at take a new job that is now 3.5 hrs away. I worked at this job, staying in the city, and then going home for the weekends. I always found it hard to leave sunday nights for work, because i would cry a good part of the way, and wish that i wasnt leaving. Alot of times i would leave earlier on sunday, just so i could get the sadness overwith, and get to the city, where i would immerse myself in many things that would keep my mind off it. 3 years of that and we finally move my family to the new city(where my wife was from). Things have never been what i expected since then.

I have gone 20 years, only to make the same money i did back then so we now feel the pinch. I stress over the money constantly, but yet my wife doesnt do well with money in my eyes. its was almost running joke, that if it says sale she buys it.
we have become more distant the longer we are together. I seem to be planted in front of this computer, and with no real excuse, while she is planted in front of the tv. I feel i have nothing in common with my kids, and everything is a battle; looking back i realize i made alot of bad judgments that have cost me the relationship with them i wish i would have.

we were at the point that neither one of us wanted to do stuff the other wanted, and when there was a problem it was a fight, but never sorted out so my wife left.

through much talking we started seing a councelor, and got back together, but soon after we went back to all the old ways.

In October my son moved out, and then in November my wife was put off work for depression. It has gotten constantly worse since then, to the point she left again a week ago.

This would have been an easy separation on summer ago, as we were not doing much together, but this last summer i bought her a motorcycle,(guess i should have stated that we met through the bike, and she always loved it and i have my own ) and we spent countless hours traveling around seeing the sites, and just becomming friends again.
summer has ended , and we are back to the same old same old, but now she is gone, and doesnt believe that we can make the changes needed.

I know that I have had alot to do with the problems, but also believe it can be made to work. Am i just wishing for my friend back, or is there a way to change the patten that we seem to always fall into where we have nothing in common that we like

i also should note that she is now living with her brother, who is on his 5th marriage, and all support she is getting is from family and friends, all of which ironically are on multiple marriages or separations


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## T-Dub (Feb 2, 2009)

I can't beleive you did that for three years. What a struggle that must have been. It seems like you felt left out in the nurturing part of parenthood.


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