# Getting him to initiate and not just ask..



## tictacsnugs0407 (Dec 9, 2012)

okay, here is my situation... so sex was amazing in the beginning. We were having sex daily. Lots of touching, grabbing, kissing, foreplay.. Then my man started asking (literally asking) to have sex. It's either "hun, wanna (or can we) do it". It was cute at first and of course I always said yes. But this has turned into a very bad pattern. There is absolutely no foreplay or even touching..It's literally just "hey, so wanna do it?". This is only if he is initiating sex. Usually it's me who initiates because I'm a very sexual person especially when we are cuddling, I get turned on and bam, I get busy. I have mentioned things to him throughout our relationship to give him ideas of what I enjoy, but this has created insecurities in him. He has not gone down on me in 6 months, he finally recently just started manually stimulating me during sex, because we were having too many incidents of him finishing, but not me.. So I told him that would help. I told him 2 weeks ago, to try not asking me to "do it" and instead if he is horny and wants sex, to touch me and show me that he wants me. I also asked that he initiate too, since its me initiating majority of the time.. It took a week for him to finally initiate (today), but he asked.. And then if I agree, instead of starting with some foreplay, he asks to hold on to me for a minute. It took several minutes for him to begin touching me sexually and thrusting against me, and then several more minutes for him to be turned on enough for intercourse. I start to wonder If I in general just don't turn him on? even tho he tells me all the time that I do.. It is always just these weird kind of awkward moments leading up to the actual intercourse. Oh and I forgot to mention, it almost never fails, that once we agree to have sex, I could be naked thrusting on top of him, and he will talk or say something really off topic and get kind of dorky.. I enjoy our sex no matter what, but its just not a turn on being only being asked. and the I just get really thrown off when he gets like that.. I know he is sensitive and a little insecure with me, but once the intercourse actually begins, it's like ahh bam now this is amazing. 

Does anyone have a clue how to approach this so he doesn't get more insecure and feel like a failure.. He is such a confident person otherwise, and our relationship is amazing. And he is definitely the humor type guy, but I just want more passion...


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Ahh the fragile male ego. Set aside sex for moment. Which of you is the dominant one in the relationship? And are both of you comfortable with that dynamic as it currently? Come to mutual understanding and agreement on that and see how the sex goes.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Ha, I have the same issue. The only way my husband initiates sex is to randomly say, 'let's do it.' 

I guess that's supposed to excite me. Uh, no. Actually it makes me feel like a teenage boy is asking me to have sex.

He doesn't seem to get that it's possible to DO something to CREATE a desire to have sex. And it is hard to talk about, because you're afraid to damage the ego.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

pink_lady said:


> Ha, I have the same issue. The only way my husband initiates sex is to randomly say, 'let's do it.'
> 
> I guess that's supposed to excite me. Uh, no. Actually it makes me feel like a teenage boy is asking me to have sex.
> 
> He doesn't seem to get that it's possible to DO something to CREATE a desire to have sex. And it is hard to talk about, because you're afraid to damage the ego.


The problem is us men don't need certain conditions met to create a desire for sex. It's like a lightbulb "ding" now we want it. So it's difficult for us to put ourselves in a womans place to understand that they DO need external stimulation to be in the mood.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sinnister said:


> The problem is us men don't need certain conditions met to create a desire for sex. It's like a lightbulb "ding" now we want it. So it's difficult for us to put ourselves in a womans place to understand that they DO need external stimulation to be in the mood.


But men can learn... Some get very good at it.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You have to get a ticket to ride the train. Else you get thrown off.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

i find allkinds,of ways to initiate . but it,has grown old since wifey never initiates...its gotta come
from both sides, other,wise only one feels like they need it...desire it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## castepatri (Dec 7, 2012)

Ahh the fragile male ego. Set aside sex for moment.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

FrenchFry said:


> This is what I did:
> 
> 1) Had a solid sweet sit down talk with my husband. Glass of wine, opened with what I needed sexually from him while reassuring that I loved him and was attracted to him. Laid it all out, then asked what I could do better for him. Came to a better understanding of each other. It sounds like your husband need some direct showing, so I also pointed out what I was doing to "seduce" my husband and asked if he could do it back.
> 
> 2) Stopped saying "yes" when he asked instead of tried. Said "No, I'm not in the mood, wanna try to get me there?" Sometimes he walked away and thought I was being rude, but after enough "nos" he figured out I wasn't playing around with needing other stimulation to get aroused. He just got lazy, so I took it upon myself to either snap him out of the laziness or stop having sex altogether and move out. Bluntness worked for me.


BINGO.....SAY "NO I AM NOT IN THE MOOD"....It always makes me try LOTS harder......

I have yet to find the point where it was TOO MUCH EFFORT.....

Like Gus McCrae said in Lonesome Dove "a man who won't pay $50 for a "POKE" don't want one too bad.....A man who won't make the effort to get his woman in the mood may be too lazy to procreate...Darwin at his finest...


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## virgil (Sep 11, 2010)

Its interesting as i think my wife feels this way sometimes and I do say "You want to do it tonight"? she says yes and no but when saying yes its not the most enthusiatic of replies.

My problem (and maybe it is me being lazy or just not having the skills) is that how do I light the flame late at night, by the time i get home, eat dinner, put the kids to bed its 9 to 9:30 and its only a couple of hours until bed. 

Like the guy above says we have a "switch" to just go but women dont. How/what can we do to make it better for your, to get you in the mood?


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Funny how, like me, the relationship is amazing, but when it comes to sex, my ability to communicate just disappears. I'm working on it and getting confident with lots of advice from here about being more responsible for how my husband treats me during sex, and wanting more, and asking for it, in a constructive, non-criticial way, so as not to damage the ego. You're going to have to bite the bullet and spit it out and say what you want and learn together. But I learned here that you can't just say it once. It may take several talks. Since you have an amazing relationship, the potential for a rewarding sex life is huge. Gets books for you and him on how to improve your sex life, how to give a better BJ, how he can be better at oral sex, new tips and techniques to try. Make it like you want to try new things. Get a sex game.


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## duncaterro (Dec 13, 2012)

The only way my husband initiates sex is to randomly say


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

And this is why I dont believe in asking for sex

Why not remind him of the romance and passion you two used to have, and tell him that no couple should have to put up with passionless boring routines. What does he say to that?


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## Michael A. Brown (Oct 16, 2012)

Just tell him about your concern and he might do it already that next time you will going to have sex.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

Sounds to me like this dude just doesn't understand what foreplay is or what it's for(e).

I had this same problem for years. It wasn't that I was intentionally being selfish. I just didn't understand the mechanics of it (insert Tab A into Slot B, twist left nipple two counter-clockwise turns, then press button for cookie).Rather, I didn't know that mechanics didn't matter. For me it took some serious studying to understand where I needed to improve (for me it was focusing on HER erogenous zones instead of assuming hers were the same as mine).

I don't have any concrete solutions to your problem. If you are readers, there are plenty of illustrated manuals focusing on foreplay, or longer erotica that focuses more on foreplay and emotional context than PIV. There are instructional videos out there. Or you could give him a show. Have him sit in a chair and show him how you would like him to touch you.


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