# I Think My Wife Is Cheating...Need Advice Please



## AnonMale (Mar 12, 2010)

The last couple of days I have been perusing and reading this community and it seems to be full of smart people who can dish out great advice. This might get a bit long, so I implore you to bare with me.

I'm 26, my wife is 28. We met when I was 18 and she was 19. We dated all while I was in college, and got married in 2006, a year after I graduated. While I was in college I cheated on her physically with one woman (no sex, just oral and touching), and chatted inappropriatly with a few other women. She knows about all that and somehow we worked through it and, like I said, got married.

For the last couple of years we were dating and since we've been married, I've been completely faithful. I'm not going to say it hasn't been without it's temptations but I have managed to remove myself from any situations that could lead me astray and am happy to report that I have had no sexual, physical contact with another woman.

Work wise, we have different shifts, her during the day and me at night. We see each other for a few hours in the afternoon and when she get's up in the morning, and then also on weekends. These are the working arrangements we've pretty much had ever since we met, so it's not like I had a sudden change at work that stopped us from seeing each other.

Everything in my mind seemed to be going swimmingly other than a big lack of sex (she is on depression medication so I've always assumed that affected her libido and didn't ever press the issue), but several weeks ago she came home very moody and ran off to the bedroom. I went in to see what was the matter and she pretty well broke down and told me she wasn't really happy anymore. She said that she wasn't happy enough to stay, but not un-happy enough to leave either. She also went on about how none of it was my fault, how she had already gone through the house and mentally divided everything up, had been looking for apartments, and did stuff that she would be pissed at me for doing...flirting with other men. She didn't say she was cheating on me, but she did flirt with other men. She also mentioned that she has never fully gotten over the cheating I did back when we were dating and despite her trying, she is still having trust issues.

Needless to say, I was devestated. I didn't really know how to react at the time, so I just held her for a bit, told her it would be okay, and then I had to leave for work. A few weeks after that, we had another talk which was basically the same stuff, only this time I really broke down and told her that ever since our first talk, I had been having thoughts about what it would be like to be single again and while I felt really bad about it, I think it was my way of trying to make sense of the situation. Since then, nothing else has really been said and other than a fight we had a couple weeks ago where she came home and got on the computer and started looking for apartments right in front of me, things have been okay. I really don't know how to react around her, so I just put on a happy face and pretend like nothing is wrong.

This brings us to two days ago, when she was taking a nap and her phone was sitting on the kitchen counter. She's constantly getting texts and I've noticed a few times they're from men who I don't know about, or from her Yahoo! messenger that she uses through her phone. While she was sleeping, I decided to look through her phone just to see if anything was up. I found a few things. First, I found a couple pictures of her naked (she's NEVER, not once, sent me a naked picture of herself), a few pics of different men either shirtless or naked (and one of a soldier in uniform that disgusts me...that guy should be Court Marshalled...but I digress)...and then several texts between her and a couple different guys. From what I could tell the conversations didn't seem to directly indicate cheating, but there was one where she had said something to the effect of "There's no way I could talk my way out of being out until 4 in the morning"...She's also been "hanging out" with a female friend a lot lately...someone who just appeared out of the blue, whom I've never met, never seen a picture of...nothing.

I know I need to confront her on this, but I _loathe_ confrontation. I don't want to call her out on these pictures and texts because I feel like a bad guy for just going through her phone. However, in the past she has gone through my phone and e-mail, so perhaps turnabout is fair play. We've been together for such a long time, I really don't want to end this relationship on such a sour note (I would like to retain some form of friendship), but I can't just go on pretending like everything is okay and waiting for her to make a move. 

I've also been thinking about the fact that we're both still very young and wondering if there's really a point to continue this marriage? We both have so much life to live and if we're having these issues now, what in the hell will it be like when we're in our 30's, 40's, etc. There's also a couple other issues, such as me wanting children at some point, and her pretty much telling me she's not too sure she ever wants children (obviously, we have no children right now).

Any help and/or advice would be immensely appreciated. Thank you all.


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## WILLARD (Mar 11, 2010)

AnonMale said:


> ANONMALE
> 
> HOPE YOU HAVE NOT SAID OR DONE ANYTHING ABOUT THE PHONE.
> 
> ...


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## WILLARD (Mar 11, 2010)

AnonMale said:


> The last couple of days I have been perusing and reading this community and it seems to be full of smart people who can dish out great advice. This might get a bit long, so I implore you to bare with me.
> 
> I'm 26, my wife is 28. We met when I was 18 and she was 19. We dated all while I was in college, and got married in 2006, a year after I graduated. While I was in college I cheated on her physically with one woman (no sex, just oral and touching), and chatted inappropriatly with a few other women. She knows about all that and somehow we worked through it and, like I said, got married.
> 
> ...


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## AnonMale (Mar 12, 2010)

Willard - Thank you. I have not confronted her about it, but I will take your advice and do my best to get the evidence in my hands.

Anyone else who can offer some advice, I would appreciate it. I know my original post was really long, but I did it both so I could gather my own personal thoughts and feelings, and also so I didn't have to (hopefully) keep adding in information here and there. Thanks again!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

She does not want to have sex or children with you; not a good sign. If you are not desperate to keep the marriage, you would be better off just letting go. When children are not involved, divorce is a heck of a lot easier and you never have to see each other again if you don't want to.

It would be very unwise to bring children into the picture unless you both devoted yourself to making the marriage work--and gave it a lot of time, too, so that you were both sure.

You got together really young and people change a lot until they are about 25 (coincidentally, when the brain stops growing). You don't sound eager to fight for the marriage, so why do it? If you are just pissed about the phone pics and stuff, let it go. Be thankful you found out and don't blame her for no longer having a sexual attraction to you (when she clearly still had sexual attraction to other people). 

BOTH of you need to figure out what you did wrong so you don't repeat the same mistakes, so make sure you take time for that. Rushing into another LTR or marriage would be a huge mistake. Good luck, whatever you decide.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

sisters359 said:


> You got together really young and people change a lot until they are about 25 (coincidentally, when the brain stops growing).


You're partially correct. The part of the brain handling impulse control is one of the last parts of the brain to finish developing. So adolescence and early 20s is a time of impulsive behavior compared to later--in some to a marked degree.

However, people change throughout their lives. Nobody is locked into a certain way of being at 25. 

Life is about adapting to changing circumstances.

That said, I think that the original poster should move on, she already has.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I didn't meant to imply that people stop changing entirely at 25. It tends to be less dramatic change, and change that requires more effort--in my experience. But yes, the whole impulse control issue is different as the brain reaches maturity. Of course, that's highly individual, too--some people will never have "good" impulse control even if it gets "better" for them as they age.


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## Doc Savage (Mar 16, 2010)

Anon - Listen brother, I have been married twice, this last run for 23 years. Marriage is about having a family and all the pieces that go with it, otherwise I would say it is not necessary for men and certainly, these days not for the new world woman.

Be honest with yourself. Review your goals and needs. If your wife is not about that then and you are then move on. Big kiss, love ya honey, but I don't want a swinger lifestyle. TTFN.

Don't stick around until you become resentful and hurt, it just means more baggage for you to get past when you move into the next relationship. And make sure the next girls goals and needs are inline with yours.

Good Luck Brother


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## hopelesslife (Feb 21, 2010)

Do you know what exactly you want? seems like even if you two divorce,you still wanna keep a friendship.if so,why do you collect those evidence?What those evidence can help you with except make things uglier and harder?

obviously she is gettin gired of being in this committed marriage and wanna be back to her single life. i would say let her go before you have kids involved. it is hard to do ,but better than keep 2 ppl in the marriage and being miserable.


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

Go straight at her about it, and pose the question to her again,,,,
Are you happy with US anymore, if she says NO, bail as quickly and easily as you can. 

PM'd you.


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