# This article sums it up perfectly



## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

'I tell my wife I love her. But the truth is, I don't' | Culture | The Guardian

This article is 15 years old, but encapsulates my feelings about my wife. We also tend to avoid topics that will cause a fight (i.e., if she mentions her sister, I just ignore it because I have nothing good to say about her). This isn't to place all of the blame on her, of course. Just found this interesting and summarizes how I feel about my wife. I'll note that these feelings came up after the kids arrived - I don't recall too many times that I looked forward to her not being around - now, I look forward to her going out with friends as that way it's much less stressful and the kids and I can play and I can get things cleaned up. 

We're going out tonight as we have a sitter, and I'm not looking forward to it - we don't have anything to talk about besides the kids and she'll mention how much money she thinks we need to spend (we both have jobs so we can spend what we want).


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Having nothing to talk about except the mundane (kids, jobs etc) sucks. Been there done that.

Have you tried anything like this? It can lead your conversation and your evening into new territory sometimes.

A List of 100 Questions to Ask Your Partner on Date Nights


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> Having nothing to talk about except the mundane (kids, jobs etc) sucks. Been there done that.
> 
> Have you tried anything like this? It can lead your conversation and your evening into new territory sometimes.
> 
> A List of 100 Questions to Ask Your Partner on Date Nights


Interesting - of course, we can remove the questions relating to sex. Her favorite sexual position is sleeping, eating, or playing computer games.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Yeah, definitely tailor the list to your own situation. Date Night isn't about going to a restaurant. You can get something to eat on your own. Date Night is about maintaining a connection with your spouse. You can't do that by talking about bills and kids, and you REALLY can't do it talking about stuff that pisses you both off. Keep it light, and keep it interesting. Save the pissed off conversations for another evening.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> Yeah, definitely tailor the list to your own situation. Date Night isn't about going to a restaurant. You can get something to eat on your own. Date Night is about maintaining a connection with your spouse. You can't do that by talking about bills and kids, and you REALLY can't do it talking about stuff that pisses you both off. Keep it light, and keep it interesting. Save the pissed off conversations for another evening.


Oh, I agree. I am PO'd at her as she just keeps spending money (we're remodeling our kitchen so those costs don't bother me - it's the other crap), plus I have a suspicion that she's planning on giving her sister money under the guise of taking cash out to pay for Christmas. She also wants to do some Christmas shopping, which I absolutely loathe, especially with her. 

That said, I plan to make the most of it. Don't be a jerk, IOW.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Who planned the date night and hired the sitter?


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

She did - sitter is someone that we know really well, so that's not a problem. This sounds horrible, and is more in the form of a rant, but I really don't enjoy her company. It's like being with a 13 year old girl - she's that immature. Funny thing is I only noticed this after the kids arrived.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Did her behavior change or did you simply start noticing what was already there?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

In what ways is she immature? Can you give an example?

Family stuff is tricky around the holidays. If money is not an issue, why will it be annoying to talk about how much money needs to be spent?


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Behavior was the same - just noticed it when we had kids. I try to be a mature adult and she cusses like a middle school kid trying to be cool. She also got really *****y around the time the kids were 1-2 years old. I've given examples in other threads and I'll post some later as I'm now home.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Cussing, burping, etc. 

Money - she has no concept of money. We incurred a bunch of medical expenses about 10 years ago that we had to pay out of pocket. She also will throw away food - why buy it if you're not going to eat it. She also thinks she needs to support her sister who refuses to live within her means. She already owes us several thousand dollars which she promised to repay when she came into some money but hasn't done so. I also suspect that my wife is giving her cash behind my back


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

ChargingCharlie said:


> . She also thinks she needs to support her sister who refuses to live within her means. She already owes us several thousand dollars which she promised to repay when she came into some money but hasn't done so. I also suspect that my wife is giving her cash behind my back


That would flip me out. But we just have enough to pay the bills so I'm really careful about how much I spend. I worry a lot about money too which I guess makes me extra careful.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Cussing, burping, etc.
> 
> Money - she has no concept of money. We incurred a bunch of medical expenses about 10 years ago that we had to pay out of pocket. She also will throw away food - why buy it if you're not going to eat it. She also thinks she needs to support her sister who refuses to live within her means. She already owes us several thousand dollars which she promised to repay when she came into some money but hasn't done so. I also suspect that my wife is giving her cash behind my back


Wow. This is really sad. And not just the post I've quoted, but most of what you have posted here OP, because I read your posts.

Why are you with someone who you feel this way about? I was married for 17 years and have kids too, so I'm not speaking from inexperience about leaving difficult marriages, despite different details.

You only have one life. Is that the way you really want to live it? I ask because some people really do. They really don't GET that this is all there is. They just want to whine/complain and not fix or change anything. I'm not saying that's you, as I don't know you. But what are you planning to do to fix this? Or are you just going to keep on rearranging the words of your original post for the next 30 years? 

FIX it. CHANGE something. Or choose to live with it, in which case you can't really complain.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Without any passion in the marriage, what do you have? A friendship. If you don't actually enjoy that person's company, what do you have? A roommate. Seems a bit pointless going on date nights at that point.

Edited to add: I've heard the phrase "walk away wife" a heap of times on this forum. This is what I would call a walk away husband, as I'd call the guy in the article you linked.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If that is how you feel about your wife, you are not doing anyone a favor by staying with her. You are lying to her. And you are hurting both yourself and her. You are probably hurting you children too because they are growing up thinking that this is what marriage is like.


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

ChargingCharlie said:


> She did - sitter is someone that we know really well, so that's not a problem. This sounds horrible, and is more in the form of a rant, but I really don't enjoy her company. It's like being with a 13 year old girl - she's that immature. Funny thing is I only noticed this after the kids arrived.


Been there, done that, it really is soul destroying

Sent from my A0001 using Tapatalk


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I also don't know why you would want to perpetuate your own misery. And yes, your children will learn that mom & dad never do things together, so they'll think it's the norm. 

You allow so much of the behavior you dislike. Yet you act like your feet are in cement. 

There is actually a lot you can do, you just choose not to because it's going to be tough. In the long run though, your wife & children aren't responsible for your happiness, YOU are.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ChargingCharlie said:


> 'I tell my wife I love her. But the truth is, I don't' | Culture | The Guardian
> 
> This article is 15 years old, but encapsulates my feelings about my wife. We also tend to avoid topics that will cause a fight (i.e., if she mentions her sister, I just ignore it because I have nothing good to say about her). This isn't to place all of the blame on her, of course. Just found this interesting and summarizes how I feel about my wife. I'll note that these feelings came up after the kids arrived - I don't recall too many times that I looked forward to her not being around - now, I look forward to her going out with friends as that way it's much less stressful and the kids and I can play and I can get things cleaned up.
> 
> We're going out tonight as we have a sitter, and I'm not looking forward to it - we don't have anything to talk about besides the kids and she'll mention how much money she thinks we need to spend (we both have jobs so we can spend what we want).


*Warning: The Guardian is a left-leaning newspaper filled with the maunderings and pity me whines of self-obsessed right-on types who are never wrong and who always have someone else to blame for whatever (often imaginary) problems they have in their lives.*


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Given the article's spin, one could rightfully take from it that just the mere asking of the question, "Do you love me?" is in all reality, nothing more than a "loaded question," asked purely out of a mode of personal, consciable insecurity! *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> *Warning: The Guardian is a left-leaning newspaper filled with the maunderings and pity me whines of self-obsessed right-on types who are never wrong and who always have someone else to blame for whatever (often imaginary) problems they have in their lives.*


I like --for the most part-- for it news reporting. But, yes, for its lifestyle issues, it does seem to support some relationship adventuring.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

i view marriage differently than the author of the article does. 

when i go out, we always have something to talk about. its not because we are just so in tune with each other or are very compatible. actually, our interests don't line up much at all. i like to go snorkeling and fishing. she likes to crochet. i like to talk about aquariums and martial arts. she likes to talk about tools and politics. 

the reason we always have something to talk about is because i have constantly strived to provide my family with a goal, a vision. my ultimate goal for myself and my wife is to be able to look back at our lives together and be filled with joy and pride in our own accomplishments. i want her to be able to look back and think "wow, we did that. that was us. i never would have believed it, but we did it".

financially, i want us to be set, so that we never have to worry about where our next meal will come from, or how we are going to feed our daughter. emotionally, i want us to be able to relax together and find peace, even in spite of our faults. 

in order to make this vision a reality, i have to constantly tend to my relationship with my wife and the direction we are going. i will set a financial goal, and smaller goals. i share them with her because they are good goals and she wants to realize them too, and every step of the way, when we successfully accomplish another step, hit another milestone, we share in that joy together. i tell her how proud i am of her for making it so far, and she bursts with the joy of knowing that she did something she never would have thought she could do. Men, i can tell you one thing i know to be true... there is nothing sexier than a woman who displays a humble pride of knowing that she really can achieve goals that she had thought impossible, while also expressing gratitude for your leadership. If you have that, you will never be bored with her. But, in order to get that, you have to lead. 


This is what a lack of leadership looks like in a man(from the article):


> 'Do you love me?' In moments of intimacy, my wife will often ask me this question, her large brown eyes staring up into mine earnestly but pitifully, rather like a labrador puppy begging for a biscuit. (It's a flippant and cruel comparison, but indicative of the heartless bastard I can feel myself becoming.)
> I always reply in the affirmative, of course, but I find it hard to meet her gaze as I do so. The truth is, I don't think I do love her any more, certainly not in the way I used to.


What leads him? it certainly isn't his own vision. what leads him is what led him to get married to begin with; his feelings. the problem is, our feelings are emotional responses to our environment, and our environment will always change. the only thing the author mentions any passion for is his daughter. and of course this would be the case. his daughter represents a future, an investment, and a goal. in other words, she represents a vision. but he is still basing his actions on his feelings for another person. 

a leader looks to the future, sees the challenges, pitfalls, mountains and valleys, and plans a way to navigate them. he should have seen this valley coming, and taken appropriate action in order to navigate it. instead, he didn't anticipate it and now is stuck in the valley, thinking that he must not love his wife. he doesn't know how he got there because he never planned his route, and doesn't know how to get out because his focus is on the valley, not on where he wants to go. he dreams of leaving his wife to escape from it all. instead of taking her with him, he wants to run off in any random direction in order to get out of the valley. he will not lead her out of the valley because he thinks that she IS the valley.

this cycle will repeat itself until he learns to plot a course or until he dies. 

i used to hate to go shopping with my wife. i used to hate talking about mundane things like finances and bills. but, then i realized that i can choose to be any kind of man i want, so i chose which one i would become. i found a vision. shopping with my wife is a way to connect with her, strengthening our bond and letting her know that i do care about her. talking about finances became a necessity that i could really get behind because i was no longer just talking logistics, i was planning. talking about our daughter became an opportunity to get on the same page so far as parenting goes. 

in short, every interaction with my wife became another opportunity to bring her closer to me and to move us toward that vision.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

As'laDain said:


> i view marriage differently than the author of the article does.
> 
> when i go out, we always have something to talk about. its not because we are just so in tune with each other or are very compatible. actually, our interests don't line up much at all. i like to go snorkeling and fishing. she likes to crochet. i like to talk about aquariums and martial arts. she likes to talk about tools and politics.
> 
> ...


Excellent post!
We are the masters of our own fate.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The author of that article is "Pity Me Pete" and he claims his hair shirt and his bucketful woe.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

As'laDain said:


> What leads him? it certainly isn't his own vision. what leads him is what led him to get married to begin with; his feelings. * the problem is, our feelings are emotional responses to our environment, and our environment will always change.* the only thing the author mentions any passion for is his daughter. and of course this would be the case. his daughter represents a future, an investment, and a goal. in other words, she represents a vision. but he is still basing his actions on his feelings for another person.



:allhail:


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