# Where to go from here



## Ljwin

Hi all, new to the forums. Long story but I’ll try to keep it short.

My W told me back in September she wanted to separate, we tried for 3 weeks to make some changes but then she told me again, one of us had to move out. I offered as its our family home and she runs her child care business from the house. She blamed me for everything, said I was controlling and always snooping on her etc. I was snooping because I suspected an affair with one of the dads she minds for. Back in January we had an argument about him, the next week I came home to bring her coffee and cake and they were in my kitche; very close to each other. She had convinced me I was crazy so I just walked out. The next day she tells me she loves me but not in love with me. We tried working on things throughout the year.

Anyhow, so fast forward to now, I bugged the house before I left, I found out they had conspired to get me to leave so they could turn the whole house in to a nursery and find another place. He has left his pregnant wife who just 3 days later kept her 2.5 yr old in her care. Apparently my w says “we’re dealing with it like adults, like normal people”. So she said she fell in love with him in January, but it only got physical after we separated. Yeah right I know!! I couldn’t understand why she was being so mean to me during the separation, she cried constantly. She said she couldn’t stay in the house while I was there, so she would stay in a hotel every night then come back in the morning to do her 12 hr shift in her business.

I’ve now moved out and it’s all in the open, her family know about it, her and her sisters are not talking, she’s blocked them all on Facebook. I have the kids most of the time when I’m not away working. My neighbours told me when I used to leave for work on a morning his car would pull in straight away. I learned that while his wife was paying my W to care for their kid, she had her assistant cover and she would go to his house and sleep with him there.

I knew 2 years ago when I first met him what he wanted, I warmed her time and time again but she said I was being controlling and possessive. He’s convinced her I’m a control freak and don’t love her, that I’m just obsessed. Yeah right, we met at 16 and are now 34, for me that was long term love.

So he is 14 years older than her, he has an ex wife and older daughter and now his current wife.

I’ve cut off all contact except via email to arrange for the children. I’ve written a few letters but each time I find the strength to put them in a draw instead of sending them. She has him around my kids despite agreeing not too. I’m about to arrange mediation and a separation agreement pending divorce. I honestly don’t know if I would take her back if the chance arose, but one thing I am certain of, is that this guy should not be around my kids, he’s a manipulative a$$hole, I can see him for what he is from a mile away. I’ve always had great intuition, but over the years my wife made me think I was crazy, but I was right about absolutely everything in great detail so it’s back on point now. They can’t even figure out how I knew so much, it was mearly smart thinking and going with my hunches, the bug just confirmed everything I already had written down.

So while I’m flitting back between hating her and wondering what if, what is my best chance to end the affair to being her out of her fog so there can at least be some type of R for the kids?


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## Chaparral

Get a lawyer and get that guy away from your kids.

Time to go ballistic. I would also sue him.


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## Lostinthought61

Since you own half of that house, force the sale of the house or have her buy you out... no mercy.


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## VladDracul

Two questions, no three. What chance do you think reconciliation would have? Why would you want even want to reconcile with someone who cast you aside like a used rubber when a new love interest comes along? What benefit would you derive going back to a disloyal spouse, with the stench of another man and maybe men on her, when you have the opportunity for new women, some of whom may actually love you? ( If ya'll met at 16, chances are you haven't danced with a lot with other chicks, if you know what I mean. Do it now.)


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## MJJEAN

Ljwin said:


> I knew 2 years ago when I first met him what he wanted, I warned her time and time again but she said I was being controlling and possessive. He’s convinced her I’m a control freak and don’t love her, that I’m just obsessed. Yeah right, we met at 16 and are now 34, for me that was long term love.
> 
> I am certain of, is that this guy should not be around my kids, he’s a manipulative a$$hole, I can see him for what he is from a mile away.


Let's get real here. He didn't manipulate her into thinking or doing anything she didn't want to do. She's a grown ass woman, wife, mother, and business owner, not some helpless child. She was attracted to him. She chose to enter into a relationship with him. She chose to sneak around for months to have sex with him. She chose to end the marriage in favor of her affair. If she didn't want to do any of it, she could have said no. She didn't. Because she didn't want to say no. He may be the jerk who had an affair with and "stole" your wife, but she didn't go kicking and screaming. She went willingly. Let her go.


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## Ljwin

Yeah I suppose you guys are right. I don't think there would be any hope for us if we did reconcile. I guess I was thinking to get this guy out of my kids life. I couldn't care if she met someone else but he's a prize pr#ck!! Yep it takes two, I know that.

I'm off to file for divorce tomorrow. I may as well get as much as I can while she's in the loved up state of mind. Deep down I do know there is someone better out there for me, if I'm being honest I always did but she killed my self esteem over the years. I'm realising now that I have a lot to offer, I'm relatively good looking, most women say my personality is on point and I earn a lot in a very stable government job that takes me all over the world if I wish.

Time to just move forward, if she comes running back then I guess I'll evaluate it then, but I imagine by then I'll have realised how much better off I am in my new life.


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## Bananapeel

There is a healing process that you are going to have to go through, so expect your emotions and desires to change rapidly over the coming weeks/months. However, it looks like you have a good plan in place, so stick with it. If you find yourself back peddling just look at your plan in the above post and march in that direction. I can tell you, as can many others here, life on the other side can be much better than you ever anticipated. I wish you the best.


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## Slartibartfast

..


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## SentHereForAReason

I think you have to forget about your wife and even you right now. The fact that she has the guy around the kids is very, very bad and I'm pretty sure it's against what the courts would allow. Infidelity is one thing but what your kids are going through right now with it in front of their faces is a red alert to make a move now, get them out of that situation and then figure out what you want to do. The action here, even if you wanted to save your marriage is most likely the same path. I'm one to talk (sarcastically) with how I have handled everything but for the most part my kids have been shielded from all of the harm.

Get your legal options in a row now, get those kids out of there and so their mom can't see them as long as she has the other man involved around them and THEN, work on yourself and after all of that, you can see how this goes down and if you even want to have a chance at reconciling on your end but not til you do the other things first!


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## NickyT

Meh, play the long game with this pair. She has ruined her family for a man who has an ex wife and is currently cheating on his pregnant wife. This relationship has zero chance. Soon enough she will be running to you saying how she always loved you.

Get out. Don't even consider reconciliation. Your life will be much better. She has lost her mind and you will never be able to trust her. This is too deep of a betrayal. As another person said, force the sale of the house. Maybe she can get lover boy to finance a new property for her business.

Speaking as a person who was betrayed and forgave. Don't do it. I love my husband and we have a great life, but I will never trust him completely and I have to live with the choice I made Don't do it. Get out.


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## VladDracul

Ljwin said:


> but she killed my self esteem over the years.


That right there speaks volumes about the kind of wife she was. When people (wives) treat you like crap, it means they think you're crap. Your have a clear and present danger in a woman like that.


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## Ljwin

Thanks for all the advice here, it's great to hear from people with experience! I plan on getting the best deal I can out of this. She never wants the kids anyway so they're mostly with me. I travel a few days a week and that's the only time she has them, but I plan to get an aupair ready to go should I need to. My only focus through this entire thing is the kids, she gives them no emotional support so they love being with me, in fact they need me. A couple years ago my daughter had an incident at school with a boy exposing himself, for 6 hours teachers and my W talked to her asking what happened but she wouldn't speak, I can home, sat her on the stair step with me, asked what's wrong, she cried and told me everything, they feel safe with me as I'm dependable and consistent in what I say and do. I have all the time in the world for them and they know it. I'm fair but stern and very loving even when punishing them. Also, I never ever hit them but she does. Now parenting methods differ, I know that, but it always really got me that it was through loss of her control rather than a pre-determined punishment.

She cheated on me very early in our relationship when we were just kids, and it stayed with me all these years, I've never trusted her since. Three years ago I decided to let it go and trust her completely again, and look what happened. I've never stopped her doing anything she wanted, but there's never been any compromise. She only ever saw things her way. All the years I suspected affairs it shows my gut was right, she is exactly who I never wanted to admit to myself she really is. I filled the hole in her heart for a while, but it wasn't enough, and I doubt anything ever will be. I need to mourn the loss and move on. She decided when she did this what she wanted, and no matter what happens in their R I'm moving forward without her.


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## ButtPunch

Right now reconciliation isn't an option.

You need to proceed as such.

Who knows if it will be 3 or 6 months from now

but right now it isn't and you must proceed accordingly

no mercy


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## ButtPunch

Ljwin said:


> Thanks for all the advice here, it's great to hear from people with experience! I plan on getting the best deal I can out of this. She never wants the kids anyway so they're mostly with me. I travel a few days a week and that's the only time she has them, but I plan to get an aupair ready to go should I need to. My only focus through this entire thing is the kids, she gives them no emotional support so they love being with me, in fact they need me. A couple years ago my daughter had an incident at school with a boy exposing himself, for 6 hours teachers and my W talked to her asking what happened but she wouldn't speak, I can home, sat her on the stair step with me, asked what's wrong, she cried and told me everything, they feel safe with me as I'm dependable and consistent in what I say and do. I have all the time in the world for them and they know it. I'm fair but stern and very loving even when punishing them. Also, I never ever hit them but she does. Now parenting methods differ, I know that, but it always really got me that it was through loss of her control rather than a pre-determined punishment.
> 
> She cheated on me very early in our relationship when we were just kids, and it stayed with me all these years, I've never trusted her since. Three years ago I decided to let it go and trust her completely again, and look what happened. I've never stopped her doing anything she wanted, but there's never been any compromise. She only ever saw things her way. All the years I suspected affairs it shows my gut was right, she is exactly who I never wanted to admit to myself she really is. I filled the hole in her heart for a while, but it wasn't enough, and I doubt anything ever will be. I need to mourn the loss and move on. She decided when she did this what she wanted, and no matter what happens in their R I'm moving forward without her.


She's cheated before!

No reconciliation!

I don't care what she does to try to fix it.

She's broken.....Move on


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## TDSC60

Your wife is a serial cheater (multiple affairs). I have never, ever heard of a serial magically changing into a faithful wife. They ALWAYS crave the newness and excitement of the affair. Husbands are just plan B for security and financial support while they live out their fantasy. You caught her - twice. In other words, sooner or latter she will do it again if you stay married. They always do.

Definitely time to end this false marriage and walk away. Consult an attorney and follow the advice they offer. Oh - find the five meanest, most respected divorce attorneys in your area and consult with all of them. Once you have had a formal consultation, I don't think your wife and her paramour can hire them - conflict of interest.


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## Ljwin

They couldn't afford it anyway! He must have a **** tone to fork out now lol! She is 3 years behind on her tax's so she's already screwed, and she's a shopaholic! Won't be long till she loses customers due to this either. I was going to do mediation but I'm thinking I'll just file straight for D as I really can't be bothered sitting in a room with her. I told her I would only ever accept Adultery as the reason for D, she agreed but not sure if she'll follow through. What I think is rather funny, is that I have all this freedom and opportunity ahead of me, yes I'm hurting and still love her, but she is now in reality land and probably trying to pretend I'm still pursuing. 

When she met me I was in the army and known as quite a dangerous guy, I think she pulled him in on the danger aspect of it all. But my response so far says nothing but calm and collected, she took the kids to hotels and had people over in case I turned up after I found out last Friday, all to continue the danger of the affair. She seems to forget I now work for central government in my dream job which I would never jeopardise, especially as I'm now a single parent! Also I'm 34 not 18!! Yes I'm quite capable of tying him in knots, but it would serve me no purpose at all, and certainly would not help my children. I think he'll get bored when the excitement has gone, he parks his car down the road when he's there the nights my kids are there as though I don't know, it's a tiny village and my mate sees him park and walk up there lol! Some people are so dumb! It doesn't matter if she has him there, he's a proper knob and my kids will just run to me anyway, so kind of serves my purpose in the long run. I can't stop it, but one day she will realise she has lost everything for her selfishness. With each day that goes by the love dies a little more, and my enjoyment of freedom grows.


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## SentHereForAReason

Ljwin said:


> They couldn't afford it anyway! He must have a **** tone to fork out now lol! She is 3 years behind on her tax's so she's already screwed, and she's a shopaholic! Won't be long till she loses customers due to this either. I was going to do mediation but I'm thinking I'll just file straight for D as I really can't be bothered sitting in a room with her. I told her I would only ever accept Adultery as the reason for D, she agreed but not sure if she'll follow through. What I think is rather funny, is that I have all this freedom and opportunity ahead of me, yes I'm hurting and still love her, but she is now in reality land and probably trying to pretend I'm still pursuing.
> 
> When she met me I was in the army and known as quite a dangerous guy, I think she pulled him in on the danger aspect of it all. But my response so far says nothing but calm and collected, she took the kids to hotels and had people over in case I turned up after I found out last Friday, all to continue the danger of the affair. She seems to forget I now work for central government in my dream job which I would never jeopardise, especially as I'm now a single parent! Also I'm 34 not 18!! Yes I'm quite capable of tying him in knots, but it would serve me no purpose at all, and certainly would not help my children. I think he'll get bored when the excitement has gone, he parks his car down the road when he's there the nights my kids are there as though I don't know, it's a tiny village and my mate sees him park and walk up there lol! Some people are so dumb! It doesn't matter if she has him there, he's a proper knob and my kids will just run to me anyway, so kind of serves my purpose in the long run. I can't stop it, but one day she will realise she has lost everything for her selfishness. With each day that goes by the love dies a little more, and my enjoyment of freedom grows.


Sounds like you are handling this great dude a millions times better than me. Prayers to you and your family for finding and heading down the best path that serves everyone well!


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## ButtPunch

stillfightingforus said:


> Sounds like you are handling this great dude a millions times better than me. Prayers to you and your family for finding and heading down the best path that serves everyone well!


You can say that again


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## VermiciousKnid

In my opinion you're better off without her even if she hadn't cheated (multiple times). She doesn't sound like much of a person. You're right that your future is bright. Keep that in mind and cut this loser woman loose to self-destruct without you.


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## Ljwin

Ah the icing on the cake! Just found out he’s not the owner of the business he purports, rents a room there. So this is how he first met my W, he was her chiropractor and within days he had his kid in her care and targeted her. Don’t get me wrong it’s her fault, but he still did. So a call in to the owner with a threat of trading standards should end that arrangement. I’m not vindictive, but I feel he needs to understand that this behaviour is not ethical, also my W is so far taking all the humiliation for this and him none as no one on his side knows other than his W. Might make him think twice! I’ll have someone call them as a concerned citizen. Also helps I know the local head of trading standards so that’s a bonus, this is starting to be funny outsmarting them. They can’t touch me, I’m a well respected public servant and my boss already knows everything and is very supportive, he’s been through two divorces so...

See how he gets on living in that madhouse with her lol! I might plant another bug just to hear the arguments 😂😂 only kidding I’m done, I’ll make this and the D my last act. When she comes crawling back I’ll tell her I have an opening for an Aupair due to a sudden surge in my social engagements! I’m sure she wouldn’t anyway, but I can fantasise...


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## MattMatt

@Ljwin Presumably her childcare business has to have some form of a licence? 

In the UK -for example- it has to be registered with both the local council and also Ofsted.

So reports should be filed with the relevant authorities, sooner rather than later.

Just notice you mentioned Trading Standards, so I presume you are in the UK, too?

He should be registered with the General Chiropractic Council and you can report him here https://www.gcc-uk.org/concerns/make-a-complaint/

https://www.gcc-uk.org/


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## Ljwin

Yes, she has an ofsted licence. I considered this but have so far held back as she uses that income to support the kids so...


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## Lostinthought61

so given both their track records (your soon to be Ex and him) i would wager to guess their relationship dies within 3 months of him spending her divorce allotment. and two months after that she will be living on the streets. 

I love your comment about hiring her as Au Pair ...perfect especially when your dating someone else....i can smell the Karma from here. you have a good head on your shoulder LJ, you will do well.


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## MattMatt

Ljwin said:


> Yes, she has an ofsted licence. I considered this but have so far held back as she uses that income to support the kids so...


Fair enough, that's a good point.

However, Ofsted have ways of finding things out ("Dear Ofsted, the woman who runs the Little Dribbling Playschool is having an affair with her lover on the playschool premises and I think it is disgusting...") so she really should be careful.


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## Diana7

I have no idea why any woman would be interested in a man who would leave his pregnant wife, that's just appalling.

I suspect that his poor wife has told lots of people BTW.


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## MattMatt

Diana7 said:


> I have no idea why any woman would be interested in a man who would leave his pregnant wife, that's just appalling.
> 
> I suspect that his poor wife has told lots of people BTW.


Happened to a friend of mine whilst she was pregnant with twins. He husband left her for her lesbian best friend.


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## Ljwin

Well his W has kept the daughter with her just 3 days after I told her what’s going on, she says that if it’s Gods plan then so be it. This was though after he spent the weekend with her so... I do feel I’m missing something here, not sure what but my gut tells me he’s said something to her, maybe that he’ll be back or something I don’t know, can’t put my finger on it. He is very manipulative, I know he has must have said something to my W about her tummy as she kept looking for reassurance from me during the separation before I knew, it was always my favourite part of her before and after the kids. I always used to rub it and say that’s where our kids come from. I think he’s told her to tone up or something.

Anyway not my problem now!


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## Chaparral

Get the best attorneys you can. From everything we see here from the UK, dads get treated horribly by your courts. You may want to think about an attorney and a private eye.


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## Diana7

Ljwin said:


> Well his W has kept the daughter with her just 3 days after I told her what’s going on, she says that if it’s Gods plan then so be it. This was though after he spent the weekend with her so... I do feel I’m missing something here, not sure what but my gut tells me he’s said something to her, maybe that he’ll be back or something I don’t know, can’t put my finger on it. He is very manipulative, I know he has must have said something to my W about her tummy as she kept looking for reassurance from me during the separation before I knew, it was always my favourite part of her before and after the kids. I always used to rub it and say that’s where our kids come from. I think he’s told her to tone up or something.
> 
> Anyway not my problem now!




That was a weird thing for the other wife to say, Gods plan is never for anyone to cheat.


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## Ljwin

I know, its a very strange thing. This is why I think either he’s done this before so she is just waiting for him to return, or he’s manipulated her. The strangest part for me is that she found out Friday night and dropped her daughter off on the Monday with my W saying she wanted to keep everything as normal as possible for her daughter. Now this is commendable, but I just cant think of a women that would do this. She refuses to speak to me now and said she wants none of the detail of which I have given her very little as I wanted to spare her feelings. I say refuses, she said I don’t need to contact her anymore so I don’t. It’s all very weird, this is why I’m so eager to protect my children from it.


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## hylton7

go hard on them bro cheaters think they can get away with anything


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## MattMatt

Ljwin said:


> I know, its a very strange thing. This is why I think either he’s done this before so she is just waiting for him to return, or he’s manipulated her. The strangest part for me is that she found out Friday night and dropped her daughter off on the Monday with my W saying she wanted to keep everything as normal as possible for her daughter. Now this is commendable, but I just cant think of a women that would do this. She refuses to speak to me now and said she wants none of the detail of which I have given her very little as I wanted to spare her feelings. I say refuses, she said I don’t need to contact her anymore so I don’t. It’s all very weird, this is why I’m so eager to protect my children from it.


This is not the first time he has done this. He has manipulated her into accepting it.

He would not be a lay preacher, would he?


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## Ljwin

No but he’s a real smooth character so everyone say, especially the ladies. That’s why most men hate him! My barber being very serious just offered to have him offed, I said I think I’ll deal with it in my own way thank you lol!


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## KaraBoo0723

Ljwin said:


> My only focus through this entire thing is the kids, she gives them no emotional support so they love being with me, in fact they need me. A couple years ago my daughter had an incident at school with a boy exposing himself, for 6 hours teachers and my W talked to her asking what happened but she wouldn't speak, I can home, sat her on the stair step with me, asked what's wrong, she cried and told me everything, they feel safe with me as I'm dependable and consistent in what I say and do. I have all the time in the world for them and they know it.



I sincerely hope you can see this as the incredible blessing and testimony to your role as Dad that it demonstrates. Treasure this, lead by example so that they will pass down this honor and gift to their children one day. You and your kids are gonna be just fine — better than fine actually  

Keep your head up and do not lose momentum — your decisive and moral handling of this **** show will be yet another great example that you set for those precious kiddos


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## manwithnoname

Since she cheated on you very early, and also now, you have to assume in between as well. 

DNA the kids.


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## Ljwin

KaraBoo0723 said:


> I sincerely hope you can see this as the incredible blessing and testimony to your role as Dad that it demonstrates. Treasure this, lead by example so that they will pass down this honor and gift to their children one day. You and your kids are gonna be just fine — better than fine actually
> 
> Keep your head up and do not lose momentum — your decisive and moral handling of this **** show will be yet another great example that you set for those precious kiddos


Thanks for your warm comments, really made my day!


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## Ljwin

manwithnoname said:


> Since she cheated on you very early, and also now, you have to assume in between as well.
> 
> DNA the kids.


Haha yeah, but they’re definitely mine, they’re like clones of me!


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## naiveonedave

Ljwin said:


> Haha yeah, but they’re definitely mine, they’re like clones of me!


you would not be 1st guy duped into thinking that.


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## Don't Panic

Ljwin said:


> No but he’s a real smooth character so everyone say, especially the ladies. That’s why most men hate him! My barber being very serious just offered to have him offed, I said I think I’ll deal with it in my own way thank you lol!


Well now there's a barber with a special set of skills...I can't get the image of Sweeney Todd from my mind.

Sorry you're going through this Ljwin. @KaraBoo0723 makes a great observation re your parenting. You're joking thank goodness, but your wife would not be a good choice as even an au pair given the instability and reactionary responses (hitting) which you describe. You will probably have your children the majority of the time, and they are fortunate to have you. 

Well done so far. Keep that sense of humor and hang in there.


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## Ljwin

Thanks for that, gotta have some humour, yeah we're all OK while we're together. I've just given my December dates with them marked as with me over xmas with a ? next to them, let's see what she does, I'm sure she'll just let me have them.

I've started the mediation process to get the legals drawn up for the kids and finances, mediation is quick so I should get what I want pretty quickly. My solicitor is ready to go to implement the divorce as soon as that's done and standing by in case of any shinnanigans. 

I'm starting to wonder if he had an open relationship, perhaps that's why his W is upset because it's the child minder but then accepted it cause he's said it's just a fling and will run its course, I'm just helping her get rid of her husband, hmm...

Also the building/business owner received an email today from a concerned family member regarding his conduct, next it'll be his professional association. I'm holding fire on Ofsted for now, might not to need to do it myself if she keeps having him there all day, most parents sent their kids there after meeting the whole family, their kids are now there with a total stranger all day with the morals of a.. well the morals of him! He hasn't been DBS checked so it's against regulation, he could have all sorts in his background as far as she knows!


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## Ljwin

Got a response from the business manager, my hunch was correct he doesn't own it, he just rents a room, I tell you my intuition is firing on all cylinders now. She's very concerned and asked to meet the family member, I said I don't live local (which they don't) but could ask her husband but he asked for space and is moving on. Tomorrow I'll suggest they give him (me) a call as he's not interested. I'm really enjoying this now! How they could ever think they would outsmart me is unbelievable. I'm not doing this for retribution, I'm doing it to keep him away from my kids, once I break the affair we can have some sort of R for the kids, but I refuse to speak to her while this A is carrrying on, if she meets someone else that's fine, it will not be the same as this and anyone will likely be a step up from this knob!


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## hylton7

keep it up dude we are rooting for you.


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## Sports Fan

I am truly sorry you have to deal with this garbage. Too date you have done everything as well as can be expected. Keep applying the pressure on them. Show no remorse. My only difference of opinion is that you moved out allowing this clown to come sleep at your house. Move straight back in and make it difficult for them. If he wants to sleep with your soon to be ex he would have to hire a hotel room which will cost him $$$$$


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## Marc878

You should get some help and fix your codependency issues.

OM is a low life? What's that make your wife?


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## BadGrammar

Sad stuff. Sounds like you are dealing with a couple of sociopaths. If so, their so-called love is an arrangement of mutual self-interest, and lust. She is not worth the attempt to reconcile. Do all you can to get full custody of the children, and patiently and carefully take control of your assets. You are at war, so steel yourself for the struggle. Try to see things as an objective observer might. You are dealing with two exceptionally bad people. Rest assured, that their “love” will most likely shatter with the first signs of hardship. It is likely she may try to reconcile... but never, NEVER take her back.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## donny64

You Sir, are a rock star. Light years ahead of where you or most should or would be.

-Gut told you he was bad. 
-You warned her to be careful.
-She wasn’t. 
-You picked upon it. 
-You kept your mouth shut, kept your head, monitored, and got proof.
-You exposed and went full 180 mode.
-Didn’t play the weak assed “please pick me” game. 

Keep it up. You have a lifetime to reconcile if you chose to. No need to rush it. Not only that, you are doing exactly the right things to:

1. Snap her out of the fog and give reconciliation a viable chance (should you decide at some point you want that).

2. Keeping your self respect and showing clearly and without a doubt you respect yourself above a cheating woman. That is hugely important should reconcilliation be considered in the future. And also important when all this blows up on her and she finds this douche to be the real jerk nozzle he is, and then spends the rest of her life realizing she totally phucked over the one good guy she already had wrapped up.

Keep on what you’re doing. Only advice I have is lawyer, ASAP, and make sure you are protected financially. Do it now when she is in the fog and willing to cut a sweetheart deal for you to “just go away” so she can move on with douche nozzle. Later, if you chose to reconcile, its on your terms with a prenup (or post-nuptial you don’t actually divorce).


----------



## TDSC60

I would not consider R just because of the kids. That never ends well.
Since the kids communicate better and are more comfortable with you, both you and the kids are better off without her in your life.


----------



## alte Dame

This OM schmuck is a LOSER. Truly. He's a leech with no honor.

The fact that your WW has been taken in by this creep says volumes about her, I'm sad to say. She'll most likely be crying her heart out to you when she sees how she's blown up her life. And who with? This transparently cheesy POS.

They say that 'they always affair down,' and this reflects the actual self-image of the cheater.

This means you are too good for her, OP. This seems obvious from your posting.

Stay the course and get yourself extracted. They will both have massive tracks on their backs from the karma bus running them over and then backing up and hitting them again.


----------



## Ljwin

So things took a turn for the worse, she had me arrested and I was held in solitary for 24 hours. They were going to remand me for her and the children’s safety... and then they listened to the emergency call and the kids are in the background asking her why she’s lying. I’m on it talking calmly while she is shouting and screaming. They apologised and let me go. Hardest 24 hours of my life. My L said you’re not gonna get out of here, I said they haven’t heard my side yet and I can substantiate everything I say, all I need to do is tell the truth. When I went in to the interview the police hated me, by the end they said I shouldn’t be there, and the best revenge is to live a good life.

She wants me completely out of the picture and to replace him with me, she has him there with the kids all the time. Well, she can have him and do as she sees fit. I’ll be only going down the legal route now and mediating is off the cards, it will be L all the way! I won’t be mean, but only do what I think is best for the children at all times and to protect my self.


----------



## Rick Blaine

Unbelievable. Sorry she did this to you but glad you kept your wits and your children spoke on your behalf in the background of that phone call. 

Glad you have representation and a plan. Wish you luck and sorry for this evil betrayal. Hang in there.


----------



## Ljwin

Thanks. I’ve got an appointment with the L Monday for the family related stuff. 

We’re communicating later today through a mutual friend. I’m just giving her a list of questions on his phone that she needs to answer, all yes/no answers about kids pick ups etc. Hopefully that goes well. I’m imagining she may try to keep the kids from me I’m not sure, will have to wait and see. If she does, shouldn’t be too hard to get my L to sort it quickly. I’ll ask my friend to get answers there and then and without the OM present, I think he’ll be able to ask that she do that, he’s been a close family friend for a long time.

I’m desperate to put all this behind me now and move forward with my life, just me and the children.


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## Marc878

I'd file for a false arrest. At least get it out there of what she is capable of.


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## Ljwin

To be honest, I just want to move forward now and I don't need the drama. The police are on my side now, my L said she will have a tag against her that says give this women a wide birth as far as the truth is concerned. My mates over there now presenting my note to her, he said he'll also tell her what he would do in my position. The absolute bonus to this is he's starting to think this might be the same bloke that his wife had an A with lol! It's a long shot and I'm sure it isn't but wow it would be funny if it was! ??


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

She tried to have you arrested and imprisoned. Why is that funny? I fail to see the humor.


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## oldshirt

Save all of your recordings for your attorney.

When you meet with your attorney, lay out your objectives and answer all of the attorney's questions thoroughly. 

Then let your attorney handle it and you stay out of it. 

Do what your lawyer says and don't do anything without his/her direct counsel. 

This is very important. 

She is an evil person with intent to harm you. Anything that you try to do on your own on or any bright idea that you get that you think will save a few bucks will only come back to bite you in the arse. 

This is now a legal matter to be handled by people who's job it is to do all the legal wrangling. 

It will cost a little extra than a DIY divorce, but this is out of your league and any freelancing you try to do will cost you a whole lot more in the long run. Don't be penny wise and dollar foolish.


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## jlg07

Ljwin said:


> So things took a turn for the worse, she had me arrested and I was held in solitary for 24 hours. They were going to remand me for her and the children’s safety... and then they listened to the emergency call and the kids are in the background asking her why she’s lying. I’m on it talking calmly while she is shouting and screaming. They apologised and let me go. Hardest 24 hours of my life. My L said you’re not gonna get out of here, I said they haven’t heard my side yet and I can substantiate everything I say, all I need to do is tell the truth. When I went in to the interview the police hated me, by the end they said I shouldn’t be there, and the best revenge is to live a good life.
> 
> She wants me completely out of the picture and to replace him with me, she has him there with the kids all the time. Well, she can have him and do as she sees fit. I’ll be only going down the legal route now and mediating is off the cards, it will be L all the way! I won’t be mean, but only do what I think is best for the children at all times and to protect my self.


Can't you bring up charges against her for having you falsely arrested? She sounds like she is completely bonkers, or EXTREMELY manipulative. This is war -- I would go to the wall on this one (under advice of a lawyer obviously).


----------



## jlg07

Ljwin said:


> To be honest, I just want to move forward now and I don't need the drama. The police are on my side now, my L said she will have a tag against her that says give this women a wide birth as far as the truth is concerned. My mates over there now presenting my note to her, he said he'll also tell her what he would do in my position. The absolute bonus to this is he's starting to think this might be the same bloke that his wife had an A with lol! It's a long shot and I'm sure it isn't but wow it would be funny if it was! ??


It's not drama -- you can use this in your divorce esp. for child custody issues....


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## bandit.45

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> She tried to have you arrested and imprisoned. Why is that funny? I fail to see the humor.


He’s British. You know how they dig irony.


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## Ljwin

Yep, irony is a very British trait. I have to find humour in things, without it I would probably go crazy. Life is hard enough without wallowing in hate and anger, it only grows inside you and consumes you. 

Still not sure if the kids are with me tonight yet, just waiting on her response to my mate. He did say she said I’m a great Dad so...


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## Ljwin

So apparently the kids said they want to come tomorrow... I don't believe they would say that, they haven't seen me for a week. No idea what time and how they're getting to me, so just open ended. I think they have planned this on purpose, he'll be there tonight with them. She knows how desperate I'll be feeling to see them and she'll expect me to turn up. Well I'm going to stay in another city for the evening, so no chance of pulling me in whatever they do.


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## TDSC60

Make sure the exchange of the kids is set for a public area with lots of witnesses. Or ask the local constabulary to send and officer to supervise the exchange. Or have a couple of your mates along. The point is - DO NOT GO ALONE.


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## Ljwin

So I picked them up today, I parked outside my mates house and they walked across. Apparently the police have been back taking statements, so I guess they're just gonna keep on trying to hurt me. Not sure what they've said but it just fills me with dread waiting for a knock at the door. I'm seeing a family L tomorrow so will see what they advise to do. Apparently the OM has put a camera in my daughters bedroom that faces the drive. Not too bothered about that but it's in my daughters bedroom. Why is he even allowed in her room. He could be anybody!


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## Rubix Cubed

Ljwin said:


> Apparently the OM has put a camera in my daughters bedroom that faces the drive. Not too bothered about that but it's in my daughters bedroom. Why is he even allowed in her room. He could be anybody!


 It's still your house, isn't it? You should have never moved out, she should have. Go into your house and remove said camera. Just make sure you do it within the constraints of the law. IMHO you should just move back in. You are making it too easy for them.


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## Ljwin

I know but I need to avoid causing conflict for the kids sake. They spoke to me last night and are pretty unhappy, he's been telling them off. He said if they don't behave he'll take the TV and Xbox away. He said to my daughter if she isn't good she won't get to play with his daughter ever again. Apparently he told my son they are moving to a new house and using my old house as a nursery, which is exactly what I've told everyone their plan has been all along.

The kids really need me right now, I can't do anything to jeopardise that. The fact they told me these things without me asking is pretty telling.


----------



## tom72

Ljwin said:


> I know but I need to avoid causing conflict for the kids sake. They spoke to me last night and are pretty unhappy, he's been telling them off. He said if they don't behave he'll take the TV and Xbox away. He said to my daughter if she isn't good she won't get to play with his daughter ever again. Apparently he told my son they are moving to a new house and using my old house as a nursery, which is exactly what I've told everyone their plan has been all along.
> 
> The kids really need me right now, I can't do anything to jeopardise that. The fact they told me these things without me asking is pretty telling.


Kids are playing up because their unhappy and uncomfortable. He can't control them hence the threats

Kids obviously have respect for you, chin up


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## Ljwin

Cheers, yeah he’s got no chance of controlling my kids, just like my W. They are the most mild mannered well behaved kids you’ll meet, but they have as much energy as an atom bomb. There is only one way to manage them, with love, kindness and patience, they respond to it really well, especially if you show you respect their point of view and feelings, they like to talk through things. My son is analytical and needs to understand the detail behind decisions. My daughter is completely bonkers and outgoing, but keeps feelings bottled up unless she’s speaking to me. The simple act of showing with actions “I have time for you” goes a long way. But they only have time for themselves now. 

I have to say I’m really enjoying being a single Dad, I can only see them being with me more and more now, as they get older I’m sure they will just come to me after school and naturally choose where they live most of the time. I’ve decided to name my new house ‘Sanctuary’. The kids like it, gonna get a sign made.


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## Ljwin

So I've decided to stop worrying about what ever $hit they're saying about me to the police, it's all a load of rubbish anyway so the truth will win out. If they try anymore I'm pressing charges for the biting, I have photo evidence and she told a mutual friend about it, while our mutual friend may not varify it out of loyalty she won't know that while being interviewed so the pressure will be on. I think she'll admit it. Her whole life will be destroyed! I'm starting to just get fed up with worrying all the time.


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## Sports Fan

You are handling a horrible situation in a really good manner. However it is really concerning regarding the false arrest and the camera in your daughters room including him telling off your kids. Even more reason to reclaim your house! Unfortunately this is WAR and her actions have signalled she will do everything to destroy you.

You are engaging a lawyer which is great, get their advice, and show no mercy of whatsoever. Try and press charges for false accusations, and use this as an excuse in your claim for full custody. If you are in Britain it is very similiar to Australian Law. If it were me next time i had the kids i would not be returning them until all this has been resolved by the courts. That would not be a speedy process then you can sit back and watch your ex go all sorts of crazy. Then call the police on her legitimately.

Man so sorry you are going through this.


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## KaraBoo0723

Ljwin said:


> Cheers, yeah he’s got no chance of controlling my kids, just like my W. They are the most mild mannered well behaved kids you’ll meet, but they have as much energy as an atom bomb. There is only one way to manage them, with love, kindness and patience, they respond to it really well, especially if you show you respect their point of view and feelings, they like to talk through things. My son is analytical and needs to understand the detail behind decisions. My daughter is completely bonkers and outgoing, but keeps feelings bottled up unless she’s speaking to me. The simple act of showing with actions “I have time for you” goes a long way. But they only have time for themselves now.
> 
> 
> 
> I have to say I’m really enjoying being a single Dad, I can only see them being with me more and more now, as they get older I’m sure they will just come to me after school and naturally choose where they live most of the time. I’ve decided to name my new house ‘Sanctuary’. The kids like it, gonna get a sign made.




Your dignity and grace in this horrific situation truly lifts my heart. It is clearly evident that although the restructuring of families is difficult, painful , confusing and at times traumatic for children that your children are going to come out the other side with as little issues as possible — they will be even more certain that you are their protector and refuge, that abuse and deceit are unacceptable and they are worth far more than that. Keep it up, you are doing everything right.


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## Ljwin

Thanks for the positive comments. It really is a very difficult situation. My childhood sweetheart has been taken by another man, as well as my house and everything else. It's very trying, but keeping the kids in the forefront of my mind helps me through. It would be so easy to just go and give him a good beating, but in the end it would only be for my own satisfaction and would then keep me from my kids. The same as getting involved in a legal battle, it will do nothing but fuel their affair. Take away the heat and they have nothing left but reality. And reality bites hard. Without me to worry about they have to face moving forward together, my children will hate her as long as she takes his side over theirs, she will have truly lost everything for a bloke, and a controlling manipulative knobhead at that! 

I spoke to her Dad today, he said she's scared of me, I said she isn't scared of me, she's scared of what I'll do to him, but I'm not doing anything. He's already done enough to himself, I could never match the bad karma he has caused for himself. The fact she is saying she's scared of me is insulting and hurtful, and just shows how low she will stoop to twist people against me. She knows I would never hurt her, no matter what she does. Anyhow I have my kids from Wednesday to Saturday so just looking forward to that. Shouldn't be long until I have them full time and she has access, not through a legal process but through their own choice. We're on 60:40 at the moment to me, it'll just take a few choices by them and I'll be at full time with them. My boss supports full custody so I've got lots of flexibility to take care of them.


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## Lostinthought61

What about the house is she buying you out or are selling it?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Ljwin, this nursery she is running? IS he licensed to be there? Can you file a formal complaint about that? Get him removed from the premises, move back in and have her move out? It is half your house correct?


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## Ljwin

No he needs to be DBS checked and he hasn't been. He's been there all day every day while I was working for a year, he's now staying over in the house. I have considered reporting it, but to be honest I just want to move forward. Sometimes the best action is no action.

I signed the house over to her before I knew about the affair, it's in negative equity by a huge amount, plus there is a charge on it of £50k which is due early next year, she'll lose it but it holds no value to me anymore. Could cause some financial issues for me in the future but I'll navigate it.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Ljwon. that man should not be around other peoples kids. I would not want want my children around a person like that. Creepy to the 1000th degree. 

Do the right thing and report him anonymously. Screw them.


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## Ljwin

I'll have to think about it. Someone else may have already done it I'm not sure as it's a small villiage and gossip spreads quickly.

Anyhow, found out today the police have installed alarms on the doors and given my W a panic button! What on earth is she saying about me! My L says it's done if requested and doesn't really matter to my position, but he's going to look in to it tomorrow. He also said he's sure the police have her card marked given the extent of the lies in their statements when they had me arrested and the complete lack of evidence of her acquisations. I think they're trying to keep up the excitement of the affair... Well it's all excitement this end, organising the kids dinner and an invite to join the local pub poker team next week. I must remember to find time to work on my "master plan" of insane revenge. Oh yeah, done that, get on with my life and leave them to it!! Lol


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## Rob_1

I get the feeling the OP is being setup, and doesn't realize it. If he is in the UK, that police report (s) will bite him in the azz. The UK is horribly biased toward females, any little report against a man is used against him for child custody, and the courts blatantly ignore the actual facts, just that the man was reported. If I were him I wouldn't be too nonchalant, and sleeping on it by being too reliant on his counsel.


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## Ljwin

Oh I'm definitely being setup. The OM has taken one of his older daughters to the same sports centre my kids pretty much spend their lives in, I'm back and forward there several days a week. He knows he would be well protected there which is why he's doing it, it's just antagonising the situation. It's basically entrapment, I still have had no response on when the house will be empty to collect all my things including my late fathers things, I've requested several dates and had no response. They're making it very difficult for me to move on, I guess they need the tension to sustain their affair. I know it's still my house technically, but just turning up and gaining entry and taking my stuff will get me nowhere and won't help my kids in the slightest. 

My favourite poem is IF by Rudyard Kipling "If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you". And that's what I'm doing, keeping my head in a good place and offering no more opportunities for them to take advantage of. I still have the images of her bite mark on me and I've mentioned it in my police statement, so I have that and a lot of other stuff should I need it. My family L has it all written down and ready to go should we need it. My criminal L is digging around with the police to find out anything else they're saying. I'm like a duck, calm on the water but my legs are going like the clappers! I guarantee you she won't have even consulted with a L.


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## VibrantWings

I've always found that letting the person who wronged you seeing you happy without them is the BEST revenge


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## TDSC60

If you need to collect your stuff. Go to the police and ask for a police escort while you do so. Rent a truck and have a couple of friends help you move out.


----------



## Ljwin

So she text earlier to say she would read my email when she finished work. I didn't ask her she just sent the text. No reply whatsoever. I'll give her until 9am then I'll text to say I'm contacting the police as I'm a central government employee and a strange man has access to my documentation and personal effects, so I'll be asking them for an escort to retrieve my belongings, among them is sensitive information. She's making a rod for her own back here! My sister says she just doesn't want to let go of me, sounds strange considering what she's done but maybe she's right. It's certainly starting to feel that way given all the games she's playing. I've begged her in texts and to her father to let me move on with my life and stop making life difficult for me.


----------



## Rob_1

LJwind said: "I'll give her until 9am then I'll text to say I'm contacting the police as I'm a central government employee and a strange man has access to my documentation and personal effects"

Contact the police and make all arrangements first, then let her know the time you'll be there.


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## bandit.45

Stop telegraphing your moves. Every time you tell her what tou are going to do you give her time to arrange a counter-move.


----------



## Marc878

Ljwin said:


> So she text earlier to say she would read my email when she finished work. I didn't ask her she just sent the text. No reply whatsoever. I'll give her until 9am then I'll text to say I'm contacting the police as I'm a central government employee and a strange man has access to my documentation and personal effects, so I'll be asking them for an escort to retrieve my belongings, among them is sensitive information. She's making a rod for her own back here! My sister says she just doesn't want to let go of me, sounds strange considering what she's done but maybe she's right. It's certainly starting to feel that way given all the games she's playing. *I've begged her in texts and to her father to let me move on with my life and stop making life difficult for me*.


Stop this weak behavior it'll just make them think they can continue to play you.

Don't ask do!!!! You have control over yourself if you'd use it.


----------



## Ljwin

So I text and said I won't be asking again, I'll be going via my L, we'll have to inventory everything as we both own everything in the home between us, it'll be costly for us both as well as the costs of the court order to gain access. She emailed me within 5 mins to say the house will be empty tomorrow and she would email again later for arrangements. I replied and said there was nothing else to arrange, I'll be there, she won't and that's pretty much it. 

I've informed my L I am there so it's on record, I'll take my other iPhone with me and hit record should anyone enter while I'm there. I'll try and get a mate to come with me when I first arrive just in case.


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## Lostinthought61

Given that his wife is pregnant i am surprised that she hasn't filed abandonment charges on the OM? Also have you made it clear to him if he touches your children you will have him arrested?


----------



## Ljwin

Well that's the strangest thing. My W was their child care provider, she left their kid with her coworker while she went to their house and slept together 4 times. His W has kept their 2.5 yr old girl in my W care. He's still living at home when he's not at my old house. This is the bit about the whole thing that I just can't work out. She told me that if it's gods will then so be it by text, but I'm not buying it, when we initially spoke on the phone she was very upset, that was late Friday night, and by the Monday morning all was forgiven and she had accepted it. Now she's an EU national, so at the moment with brexit looming I'm thinking has he told her he'll divorce her, I dunno really but none of it makes sense, or has he said it's just a fling and it will run its course. But even with all that, how could she keep her daughter with her!

To be honest I need to stop trying to understand it all, it's her problem now not mine. I'll protect my kids from the madness as much as I can and get on with my life. Obviously it's very hard letting go of so many years, but in time things will get better.

There's a great line in the Rules of Life book "If it's dead, don't go digging it up every five minutes to check if there's a pulse, it's dead, walk away"


----------



## Chaparral

Are you certain you were communicating with his wife? Did you talk to her n person?


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## Ljwin

Hmm good observation. Her texts were completely different than when I spoke to her on the phone. In fact her texts are different in terms of style from the night to the next morning. Also she was initially very responsive by text, then it was similar to my W in that she doesn't communicate with me until she's checked with him and I can tell it isn't my wife's words. I called her out on it last night in an email, today her email has been using our kids nicknames and shortened words but still doesn't feel quite like her.

I sent her a ranty email last night basically calling him on his bull**** and her on her lack of caring for the kids. She didn't reply but she didn't need to.

So social services and Ofsted have been out to investigate her, well my good friend is head of local child services, we're meeting for a coffee tomorrow to chat over things. She is going to end up losing everything, and not even by my hand but her own.


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## bandit.45

Stop talking to her.


----------



## lucy999

I am INFURIATED about the camera in your daughter's room. WTF??!! That has got to go. Right this minute. That is creepy and weird.

Get his ass OUT.


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## Ljwin

Well I met with my friend from SS, long story short I have enough evidence to have her shut down on the spot, in fact with just one peice of evidence. And the rest will get me sole custody of my kids. She's given me until Wednesday to decide what I want to do, the meet was off the record so my W is safe for now.

I need to decide what to do, I'm considering trying to reach out to my wife to give her a chance to tell the appropriate people the truth, at least as far as I go. But I can't really see what good it does, she's in a lose lose situation either way. If I press the button she loses everything. My worry is that as a child I was homeless and SS are very quick to take the kids in to care, I don't want that for them, while very unlikely, even having to be questioned by them isn't a nice experience. I'm going to have to sleep on it...


----------



## syhoybenden

He who hesitates is lost.

Pull the trigger.


----------



## SunCMars

Ljwin said:


> No but he’s a real smooth character so everyone say, especially the ladies. That’s why most men hate him! *My barber being very serious just offered to have him offed,* I said I think I’ll deal with it in my own way thank you lol!


Makes sense..

Barbering is a Martian's job. They like to cut things. love using a razor.

Just Sayin'


----------



## SunCMars

Diana7 said:


> I have no idea why any woman would be interested in a man who would leave his pregnant wife, that's just appalling.
> 
> I suspect that his poor wife has told lots of people BTW.


If you think about it, this is the time many men cheat on their wives. 
She is not available sexually {in WH's minds} so they go outside the marriage for love and sex. And the wives are very busy and occupied, never suspecting this sort of behavior from their not DH's.

Aye, very common, very despicable.


----------



## SunCMars

Ljwin said:


> So things took a turn for the worse, she had me arrested and I was held in solitary for 24 hours. They were going to remand me for her and the children’s safety... and then they listened to the emergency call and the kids are in the background asking her why she’s lying. I’m on it talking calmly while she is shouting and screaming. They apologised and let me go. Hardest 24 hours of my life. My L said you’re not gonna get out of here, I said they haven’t heard my side yet and I can substantiate everything I say, all I need to do is tell the truth. When I went in to the interview the police hated me, by the end they said I shouldn’t be there, and the best revenge is to live a good life.
> 
> She wants me completely out of the picture and to replace him with me, she has him there with the kids all the time. Well, she can have him and do as she sees fit. I’ll be only going down the legal route now and mediating is off the cards, it will be L all the way! I won’t be mean, but only do what I think is best for the children at all times and to protect my self.


Do you still have the barbers phone number?
Use his barrister. The one with the broad shoulders and the broken looking knuckles. I believe he lives in London's Peckham district.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Ljwin said:


> Well I met with my friend from SS, long story short I have enough evidence to have her shut down on the spot, in fact with just one peice of evidence. And the rest will get me sole custody of my kids. She's given me until Wednesday to decide what I want to do, the meet was off the record so my W is safe for now.
> 
> I need to decide what to do, I'm considering trying to reach out to my wife to give her a chance to tell the appropriate people the truth, at least as far as I go. But I can't really see what good it does, she's in a lose lose situation either way. If I press the button she loses everything. My worry is that as a child I was homeless and SS are very quick to take the kids in to care, I don't want that for them, while very unlikely, even having to be questioned by them isn't a nice experience. I'm going to have to sleep on it...


 Quit being a 'nice guy' it won't get you anywhere. Hasn't yet has it? Just ACT, for the sake of your kid and all the kids she keeps. Don't give her any warning, just get your friend to do what needs to be done. After all she did to you why do you insist on handing her the upper hand on a platter.


----------



## poida

Slartibartfast said:


> Reconciliation would be wrong. Wrong for you. Wrong for the kids. Reconciling for the kids sake, even in the extremely unlikely event she was willing, would just perpetuate a rotten situation for them to grow up in.
> 
> And you have to face realities. Your lawyer will explain, but you cannot keep this man away from the kids. Custody will be shared, and your wife can make decisions with authority equal to yours. And there is nothing you can cite that would come even close to a court controlling it. It is very, very difficult to warp custody very much, even when there's clear cause.
> 
> Your role is to provide an anchor of sanity for your kids. You are well advised to grit your teeth and play nice about this. Custody decrees don't force her to keep the kids for her decreed time. She can let you have them as much as she chooses. And the best thing for them would be if she chooses to make that a lot of the time. But if you try be tough on her, she can enforce custody to the letter.
> 
> Look, this falls within the sphere of literally hundreds similar situations where I've seen what happened after the divorce. She can make your life a misery of continuous battles, half compliances, excuses, and annoyances that will wreck the kids' lives. Anything you can do to increase their time with you and provide a civilized environment is worth doing. It will even affect their lives when they're with her, because she won't be constantly thinking about getting to you. And remember, that the kids are an image of you, and even if it's just subconscious association, you'd not like her anger at you directed toward them. Let you ego and anger go for them. Kids are a WHOLE lot smarter than we think or that they let on being. They will see things for pretty much as they are.
> 
> And it is very likely she will one day pay a high price for this. And yes, you had best move as quickly as you can. The relationship is gone, gone, gone, and yes, she sees this bright future with t**dblossom. Get through it before she realizes he's about as reliable as a 1954 Russian condom and starts thinking she had better squeeze you hard.


PER ABOVE.

Facilitate her to get what she wants until you get custody in writing. 

Do what you want after that.

Your life sounds like it will be a whole lot easier if you let it be.

Plenty of very nice fish out there my friend.


----------



## nekonamida

She abuses your kids. Pull the trigger and get full custody immediately! You have allowed her poor treatment of them to go on for far too long. Protect them now and stop giving her more chances to hurt them.


----------



## Chaparral

Seems to be a no brainer. Do the right thing.


----------



## Talker67

bandit.45 said:


> Stop talking to her.


^THIS^

THAT is what lawyers are for. You will only end up in the pokey again if you are ever in a room alone with her from now on. Do NOT give her the ammunition to do you in with


----------



## Ljwin

So I tried to reach out to her, I know it was the wrong thing but lesson learned! I noticed today the camera had been changed to a fully external camera as per my request. So I sent an email thanking her for taking action so quickly, got an instant reply saying it's the same one that's always been there! The lies just keep on building...

Anyhow I think they will do anything to get me to go round there so they can try and wind me up and I say/do something stupid, well it ain't gonna happen. I'm guessing next it will be withholding the kids at xmas, that's got to be the next move. Anyhow I've taken steps to revoke my signing over of the house, so it's still mine. Not told her, and won't either. I think the best way to play this is to play the long game, let 3 months go by with no reaction from all their crap and then what do they do. My short term suffering will be my long term gain, as by then I'll have a folder full of crap on them, their behaviour etc. all logged down. They fail to realise that I will never lose my cool, so it will definitely be the kids used by her next. I've just got to prepare myself for it and handle it accordingly. They found out I was playing Xbox live with my sone last night, I heard the OM say don't tell him I'm here or you'll go to bed and then they took him off. He's back wth me tonight anyway, then Thursday till Tuesday along with my daughter. So she's had them three nights out of two weeks pretty much, and even then she sends them to sports club till 9pm.

I'm starting to feel exhausted by it all to be honest, I think the less interaction I have with her the better for now.


----------



## Nucking Futs

Ljwin said:


> Well I met with my friend from SS, long story short I have enough evidence to have her shut down on the spot, in fact with just one peice of evidence. And the rest will get me sole custody of my kids. She's given me until Wednesday to decide what I want to do, the meet was off the record so my W is safe for now.
> 
> I need to decide what to do, I'm considering trying to reach out to my wife to give her a chance to tell the appropriate people the truth, at least as far as I go. But I can't really see what good it does, she's in a lose lose situation either way.* If I press the button she loses everything.* My worry is that as a child I was homeless and SS are very quick to take the kids in to care, I don't want that for them, while very unlikely, even having to be questioned by them isn't a nice experience. I'm going to have to sleep on it...





Ljwin said:


> So I tried to reach out to her, I know it was the wrong thing but lesson learned! I noticed today the camera had been changed to a fully external camera as per my request. So I sent an email thanking her for taking action so quickly, got an instant reply saying it's the same one that's always been there! The lies just keep on building...
> 
> Anyhow I think they will do anything to get me to go round there so they can try and wind me up and I say/do something stupid, well it ain't gonna happen. I'm guessing next it will be withholding the kids at xmas, that's got to be the next move. Anyhow I've taken steps to revoke my signing over of the house, so it's still mine. Not told her, and won't either. *I think the best way to play this is to play the long game, let 3 months go by with no reaction from all their crap and then what do they do.* My short term suffering will be my long term gain, as by then I'll have a folder full of crap on them, their behaviour etc. all logged down. They fail to realise that I will never lose my cool, so it will definitely be the kids used by her next. I've just got to prepare myself for it and handle it accordingly. They found out I was playing Xbox live with my sone last night, I heard the OM say don't tell him I'm here or you'll go to bed and then they took him off. He's back wth me tonight anyway, then Thursday till Tuesday along with my daughter. So she's had them three nights out of two weeks pretty much, and even then she sends them to sports club till 9pm.
> 
> I'm starting to feel exhausted by it all to be honest, I think the less interaction I have with her the better for now.


What kind of father are you? What kind of ***** lets someone abuse your kids, withhold them from you, have you falsely arrested and try to take everything away from you and decides to give them 3 more months? Where are your balls?

If you don't pull that trigger you _deserve_ everything that's going to happen to you.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Ljwin said:


> So I tried to reach out to her, I know it was the wrong thing but lesson learned! I noticed today the camera had been changed to a fully external camera as per my request. So I sent an email thanking her for taking action so quickly, got an instant reply saying it's the same one that's always been there! The lies just keep on building...
> 
> Anyhow I think they will do anything to get me to go round there so they can try and wind me up and I say/do something stupid, well it ain't gonna happen. I'm guessing next it will be withholding the kids at xmas, that's got to be the next move. Anyhow I've taken steps to revoke my signing over of the house, so it's still mine. Not told her, and won't either. I think the best way to play this is to play the long game, let 3 months go by with no reaction from all their crap and then what do they do. My short term suffering will be my long term gain, as by then I'll have a folder full of crap on them, their behaviour etc. all logged down. They fail to realise that I will never lose my cool, so it will definitely be the kids used by her next. I've just got to prepare myself for it and handle it accordingly. They found out I was playing Xbox live with my sone last night, I heard the OM say don't tell him I'm here or you'll go to bed and then they took him off. He's back wth me tonight anyway, then Thursday till Tuesday along with my daughter. So she's had them three nights out of two weeks pretty much, and even then she sends them to sports club till 9pm.
> 
> I'm starting to feel exhausted by it all to be honest, I think the less interaction I have with her the better for now.



based on what i read here and what i have read previous......I understand the strategy your taking, and under normal conditions when both parties are rational, then your strategy make sense...but to be honest your trying to think rational with individuals who are not rational at all, your soon to be ex is in a fog, listening to a man who is very controlling, and self-servicing. Additionally he is potentially threatening to your children, and as a father that is my biggest concern....you tried to talk to her, it will not work......i would gain control of the situation rather than the other way around. Remember they have no thought of dropping a dime on you to call the police...

Have you reached out to his wife to better understand him ?

Remember the time to play a good hand is when you have one....you wait to long you lose it


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## Windwalker

OP,

You need to pull the trigger and have her shut down. The longer you give her chances the more damage she will inflict on you. It's strange that you have been able to read their every move, but she still had you tossed in the clink. May I suggest that you are not reading things correctly and need to start getting very nasty legally and very silent. Give her absolutely no communication at all except in regards to the children and start nailing their asses to the wall.


----------



## Ljwin

I take all these comments on board, however just today my kids got home from school and decided to come to me instead, this is happening more and more. Today my son has told me my W said to him her life is $hit, not the best thing to say to an 11 yr old but shows it's all starting to fall down around her and she's starting to realise. By going full bore on her it will cause even more disruption for the kids, I would rather in years time my kids look back and know that I was steady and consistent in my approach which helped them through this difficult time. From now on I won't show my hand, I'll keep everything on the QT and work away in the background.

They are trying anything to get a reaction out of me, but it's not working, their frustration will grow and when it does they will do something stupid, the moment they try to use the kids, I'll act. My friend at child services is arranging a meeting with her strategy team, this allows me to build a strategy before moving to the next stage, so once I'm ready they go in to action and make everything official.


----------



## bandit.45

Stop talking to her.


----------



## Nucking Futs

Ljwin said:


> I take all these comments on board, however just today my kids got home from school and decided to come to me instead, this is happening more and more. Today my son has told me my W said to him her life is $hit, not the best thing to say to an 11 yr old but shows it's all starting to fall down around her and she's starting to realise. By going full bore on her it will cause even more disruption for the kids, I would rather in years time my kids look back and know that I was steady and consistent in my approach which helped them through this difficult time. From now on I won't show my hand, I'll keep everything on the QT and work away in the background.
> 
> They are trying anything to get a reaction out of me, but it's not working, their frustration will grow and when it does they will do something stupid, the moment they try to use the kids, I'll act. My friend at child services is arranging a meeting with her strategy team, this allows me to build a strategy before moving to the next stage, so once I'm ready they go in to action and make everything official.


Be steady and consistent in your approach to the kids. Go balls to the wall in your approach to your stbx and her posom. If nothing else you should know by now that the kids would be far better off with you having 100% custody than sharing custody with her. And frankly if that's not true the best thing for your kids would be to be in the custody of the state, because if you're no better than her neither of you should be in those kids lives.


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## Chaparral

Analyisis paralysis


----------



## turnera

Are you trying to shut down her child care business?


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## Tatsuhiko

By waiting, it seems like all you're doing is giving her a chance for her situation to stabilize. In a month, she'll be able to show that she's cared for the kids more than you in the home that is familiar to them. But sure, wait for the "strategy team"...


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## Ljwin

The kids pretty much live with me, with her 3 nights out of 14 so I can't see that happening to be honest. Going balls to the wall is a reaction not an action. It's reacting to what she's done, that sort of approach is done out of anger and hate not clear thinking. Anything that affects her world done by me will only increase his hold over her as I'll be the enemy. My kids need their Mum, even if she's a **** one. If her world falls down around her she needs to see it's through her own actions and choices and by listening to the knob head. Only then will the kids get their proper Mum back, and I don't mean with me, but where they become her first priority again. Having a Mum n Dad that hate each other is not nice, I've been there and it lead to homelessness and children's homes. I will only go there in a methodical way, calm with a clear head and a plan that has a high percentage of success. If I go all guns blazing and she makes crap up about me then they could easily take the kids in to care while they investigate. It needs to be as a direct result of her actions without my involvement, then the kids will go to me for their wellbeing. I've seen too many Dads lose access to their kids for doing nothing more than wanting the best for them.

I don't care what she's done to me, yes it's **** but life goes on, my kids are my priority. And they need as near normal as I can provide for them.


----------



## MyRevelation

Ljwin said:


> The kids pretty much live with me, with her 3 nights out of 14 so I can't see that happening to be honest. Going balls to the wall is a reaction not an action. It's reacting to what she's done, that sort of approach is done out of anger and hate not clear thinking. Anything that affects her world done by me will only increase his hold over her as I'll be the enemy. My kids need their Mum, even if she's a **** one. If her world falls down around her she needs to see it's through her own actions and choices and by listening to the knob head. Only then will the kids get their proper Mum back, and I don't mean with me, but where they become her first priority again. Having a Mum n Dad that hate each other is not nice, I've been there and it lead to homelessness and children's homes. I will only go there in a methodical way, calm with a clear head and a plan that has a high percentage of success. If I go all guns blazing and she makes crap up about me then they could easily take the kids in to care while they investigate. It needs to be as a direct result of her actions without my involvement, then the kids will go to me for their wellbeing. I've seen too many Dads lose access to their kids for doing nothing more than wanting the best for them.
> 
> I don't care what she's done to me, yes it's **** but life goes on, my kids are my priority. And they need as near normal as I can provide for them.


I've read excuses like above over and over ... in more cases than not, the unspoken real reason is FEAR of your WW. The BH's that really come through this with their self-respect intact are the one's who take immediate and decisive actions to protect themselves and their children.


----------



## farsidejunky

Ljwin said:


> So I text and said I won't be asking again, I'll be going via my L, we'll have to inventory everything as we both own everything in the home between us, it'll be costly for us both as well as the costs of the court order to gain access. She emailed me within 5 mins to say the house will be empty tomorrow and she would email again later for arrangements. I replied and said there was nothing else to arrange, I'll be there, she won't and that's pretty much it.
> 
> I've informed my L I am there so it's on record, I'll take my other iPhone with me and hit record should anyone enter while I'm there. I'll try and get a mate to come with me when I first arrive just in case.


You certainly love to levy threats.

It's almost like (not almost like, but EXACTLY like) you are asking her permission to do what's in your own best interest.


----------



## Satya

Your kids want and need you to take action.

But it's your choice.


----------



## Nucking Futs

Going balls to the wall _can_ be a knee jerk reaction, but sometimes sober consideration of the facts without the color of emotions leads to the conclusion that an all out effort is what needs to be done. You are not in a position to consider _anything_ without the color of emotions right now. The people advising you to go balls to the wall are speaking out of a cold, emotionless evaluation of the circumstances.

This poor decision making you're displaying is why every BS needs to be represented by a lawyer in a divorce action. There's a saying "a lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client". Nobody performs as well, thinks as clearly, when they're emotionally invested in the outcome. @TaDor is a prime example. You have people advising you who have been there and done that and learned the hard lessons from it, and it's their experienced advice you're rejecting in favor of your own fear.

Nobody can force you to do what's in your best interest, we can only point out the path that will have the best result for you and your kids. It's up to you to choose whether to pursue that best result or, as you've chose to do, accept whatever turd your wife hands you and your kids.

Her boyfriend put a camera in your daughters bedroom. You're letting him have continued access to your children when it's wholly in your power to stop it. That makes you culpable for anything he does to them.


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## lucy999

@Ljwin I may have missed it, but why does OM and your wife have a camera in your daughter's bedroom? I seem to recall that your wife recently told you that the camera had been angled away from your daughter's room now? Are cameras there due to the nature of her business, a day Care Center? I don't understand why there are cameras in the home.


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## Ljwin

So they put the camera up after I was arrested, initially it was attached to the window in my daughters bedroom pointing outside but it has audio capture, that was my issue. I requested it changed, they have now switched it for a fully external one, I sent an email saying thanks for adhearing to my request and that I would inform my L, I got a reply saying it's the same one that's always been there. It isn't they're just playing games. But I got what I wanted for my daughter and that's all that matters, it's just one more probable lie should I need it.

I've decided to take a few days and think about my next steps. I do appreciate all the advice, and I take it on board. Perhaps it is time to take action. The kids are with her tonight and I can't sleep, never can when they're not with me...


----------



## lucy999

Call me slow, but I still don't understand why there's a camera??


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## Talker67

i will laff when you post from prison next, since you REFUSE TO STOP TALKING TO HER.


----------



## Nucking Futs

Ljwin said:


> So they put the camera up after I was arrested, *initially it was attached to the window in my daughters bedroom pointing outside but it has audio capture, that was my issue.* I requested it changed, they have now switched it for a fully external one, I sent an email saying thanks for adhearing to my request and that I would inform my L, I got a reply saying it's the same one that's always been there. It isn't they're just playing games. But I got what I wanted for my daughter and that's all that matters, it's just one more probable lie should I need it.
> 
> I've decided to take a few days and think about my next steps. I do appreciate all the advice, and I take it on board. Perhaps it is time to take action. The kids are with her tonight and I can't sleep, never can when they're not with me...


So this kind of camera is readily available. Have you had a close up view of the camera in her window?


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## Ljwin

Took a photo of it yesterday. 

I've stopped talking to her via text/email now and just communicating directly with my son except for the essentials.

I think the reason I'm struggling to act is that I haven't let go of her so it's messing up my judgement. It's hard when you've been with someone since you were kids, but I know I need to do it to think with a clear head.

My son said yesterday the OM's W is round a lot! What the hell is up there, I think it's so they can lie to Ofsted. Don't know why she would go along with it. It's madness. I'm starting to wonder if they're con artists or something...


----------



## Lostinthought61

If they are con artist then by dropping the dime on her may in fact drop the con....if there is no incentive for him then he will walk away.


----------



## SunCMars

Chaparral said:


> Analyisis paralysis


Yes, more woulda, shoulda, coulda.

Instead of acta.

Acta like a decisive person. A man or women with a plan. OP is doing better than most.


----------



## SunCMars

Ljwin said:


> Took a photo of it yesterday.
> 
> I've stopped talking to her via text/email now and just communicating directly with my son except for the essentials.
> 
> I think the reason I'm struggling to act is that I haven't let go of her so it's messing up my judgement. It's hard when you've been with someone since you were kids, but I know I need to do it to think with a clear head.
> 
> My son said yesterday the OM's W is round a lot! What the hell is up there, I think it's so they can lie to Ofsted. Don't know why she would go along with it. It's madness. I'm starting to wonder if they're con artists or something...


And she lets her husband sleep with the target?

Your wife is small potatoes, money wise. However, these two outsiders seem to have potatoes for brains. 
This is an odd arrangement.


----------



## Ljwin

Well my house is worth around £300k, I know she's told him she owns it as it was in her police statement. But yeah I'm probably wrong on that one, it's just his W that I can't understand!

I spoke to my godfather who's like a Dad to me and pretty wise, he said don't be vindictive or look for revenge but I have to take the house. He said no matter how much I try I will never find forgiveness as betrayal like this just cuts too deep, I need to let go of her and do what's right, but go slowly and get all my ducks in a row and make sure whatever I do it's always for the kids, not myself or her.


----------



## Chaparral

What you know as sure as the sun comes up is that your children should be no where near these three tormented, sick, souls. Be the adult and do what’s necessary to protect your kids. Anything else is abject failure.


----------



## SunCMars

Ljwin said:


> Well my house is worth around £300k, I know she's told him she owns it as it was in her police statement. But yeah I'm probably wrong on that one, it's just his W that I can't understand!
> 
> I spoke to my godfather who's like a Dad to me and pretty wise, he said don't be vindictive or look for revenge but I have to take the house. He said no matter how much I try I will never find forgiveness as betrayal like this just cuts too deep, I need to let go of her and do what's right, but go slowly and get all my ducks in a row and make sure whatever I do it's always for the kids, not myself or her.


You are a nice person.
I admire that.

Do get your ducks in a row.
For your kids, not for you.

Substitute Duck Hawks for fowl, for fortitude, for winning.
She needs to be stripped of her buttons, her epaulets, her mettle(s).
Stripped of all decency remaining on her facade, on her honor.

Get your ducks in a row to punish her for deeds so foul, that your' ducky fowl, shall be forced to flee, from this, her stench, the horror. 
Horror spelled properly, but my true intended meaning is buried in this, this paragraphed spot.

Remember, she called the police on you. For violence, for abuse. She tried to get you jailed.
She needs to be burned, in an reprisal-ed way.


----------



## Ljwin

Well, after what my kids have told me this weekend about what's going on at home, with the advice of my friend from SS. I've decided I'm pulling the trigger on Monday. I'll be collating all my evidence tomorrow and presenting it to social services and requesting sole custody of the children. I'll still give her access but I need to ensure they're looked after with love. It's a hard decision but while she's blinded by this fog they are suffering, I can't believe how much my son has had to grow up in the last month, they were innocent children. My daughter told me she lied to social services about liking the OM because he told her if Mummy isn't happy then he won't be her friend and she won't see his daughter whom my daughter adores. My friend said this is manipulation of a child and she shouldn't be worried about her Mums welfare.

I've tried and tried to be amicable, I even reached out with a very nice email about my son's issues. Nothing. All my goodwill has gone, I'm so sad to do this, but I have to. My son said he feels she's chosen the OM over him and it is affecting him greatly.

I'm done now, I can't take anymore. She can lie in her own $hit from now on. When the fog clears she will realise she has lost everything for an arsehole!


----------



## lucy999

Good job. And good luck.


----------



## Ljwin

Thanks Lucy, it's certainly going to be tough. But it's the right choice now, I've tried to do it amicably but there is just nothing there. I found out she's told her family they'll never see the kids again. That alone is worth doing this as they adore their aunts, uncles etc.

It's going to be very emotional. I'm going to offer via social services that I take custody and manage their day to day welfare, but will always allow her to see them and have them over as along as the OM is not there.


----------



## Ljwin

Well they literally don't care! Or at least that's how it seems. They seemed interested in her staying in hotels for 3 weeks and leaving me with the kids, but other than that I dunno! I think they just want to close the the case and move on. Hard to say as they need to be impartial.

I can't believe the crap she has said about me to them, it's like I was the bad guy! I just can't believe it! Apparently the police report says I was under the influence of drugs! I don't take drugs, I wasn't tested but I wish I was. And now she's saying she can't remember what happened! Erm yeah you mean you can't remember what lies you told!


----------



## turnera

Do you have a lawyer? Might wanna have him handle this.


----------



## Ljwin

Not been on in a while. Anyhow Social Services have got involved and set a few rules in place for her to follow.

I’ve realised I’ve been making a big mistake, I’ve let her keep me pursuing her even though it’s just about the kids and trying to get things sorted. I can’t help how she treats the kids, it’s her relationship with them she’s breaking and she’s no longer my responsibility. Something broke in me this week, and I literally don’t care about her anymore. I don’t care if she comes back begging for forgiveness or hates me, that is no longer my concern.

I’m taking steps to take my house back, not to hurt her or for revenge but because it’s my house and the children’s home. I’ve stopped reaching out even for the kids needs, goes relatively unanswered anyway.

My friend said to me today, you’re like a puppy who’s master keeps kicking him but he keeps coming back. Don’t be a puppy! She also said that while I’m being nice it helps her feel better about herself, by continually hurting me it keeps me trying more and it makes her feel like she’s hasn’t lost me. She said I’m the common enemy between her and the AP, without me there’s just boredom!

Well, I’ve just been pushed too far now, I never expected to find myself feeling this way so quickly, yes it still hurts but I find myself feeling pretty noncholont about it all. Taking the House back just seems like a business transaction and the right and proper thing to do.


----------



## Marc878

Ljwin said:


> Not been on in a while. Anyhow Social Services have got involved and set a few rules in place for her to follow.
> 
> I’ve realised I’ve been making a big mistake, I’ve let her keep me pursuing her even though it’s just about the kids and trying to get things sorted. I can’t help how she treats the kids, it’s her relationship with them she’s breaking and she’s no longer my responsibility. Something broke in me this week, and I literally don’t care about her anymore. I don’t care if she comes back begging for forgiveness or hates me, that is no longer my concern.
> 
> I’m taking steps to take my house back, not to hurt her or for revenge but because it’s my house and the children’s home. I’ve stopped reaching out even for the kids needs, goes relatively unanswered anyway.
> 
> *My friend said to me today, you’re like a puppy who’s master keeps kicking him but he keeps coming back. Don’t be a puppy! She also said that while I’m being nice it helps her feel better about herself, by continually hurting me it keeps me trying more and it makes her feel like she’s hasn’t lost me. She said I’m the common enemy between her and the AP, without me there’s just boredom!
> *
> Well, I’ve just been pushed too far now, I never expected to find myself feeling this way so quickly, yes it still hurts but I find myself feeling pretty noncholont about it all. Taking the House back just seems like a business transaction and the right and proper thing to do.


You should have stood up and stopped taking this long before now

If you're smart you'll get and keep moving.

Men like you get taken advantage of and played.

Better start thinking about what you've been teaching your kids.


----------



## Sports Fan

Ljwin said:


> Not been on in a while. Anyhow Social Services have got involved and set a few rules in place for her to follow.
> 
> I’ve realised I’ve been making a big mistake, I’ve let her keep me pursuing her even though it’s just about the kids and trying to get things sorted. I can’t help how she treats the kids, it’s her relationship with them she’s breaking and she’s no longer my responsibility. Something broke in me this week, and I literally don’t care about her anymore. I don’t care if she comes back begging for forgiveness or hates me, that is no longer my concern.
> 
> I’m taking steps to take my house back, not to hurt her or for revenge but because it’s my house and the children’s home. I’ve stopped reaching out even for the kids needs, goes relatively unanswered anyway.
> 
> My friend said to me today, you’re like a puppy who’s master keeps kicking him but he keeps coming back. Don’t be a puppy! She also said that while I’m being nice it helps her feel better about herself, by continually hurting me it keeps me trying more and it makes her feel like she’s hasn’t lost me. She said I’m the common enemy between her and the AP, without me there’s just boredom!
> 
> Well, I’ve just been pushed too far now, I never expected to find myself feeling this way so quickly, yes it still hurts but I find myself feeling pretty noncholont about it all. Taking the House back just seems like a business transaction and the right and proper thing to do.


Taking the house back is long overdue. In fact you should have never ceded it to them to begin with. I honestly cant believe you allow him to treat your kids the way he has. If i heard other man tell my child don't tell your father i'm here or i'll send you to bed early i would have gone nuclear on both of them in an instant.

I'm glad to hear you are finally standing up for yourself and your children.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Oh...no good deed goes unpunished.....there is truth in that, there is a time to sit back and a time to fight...that is now. Not for her...she is a lost soul but the kids..


----------



## Ljwin

Yeah it certainly is time, I’ve just hit send on the final confirmation to get the house back. I just have to hope now that it can be taken care of quickly. I can’t believe how much has happened in the 5 weeks since I found out. It’s strange as I really like my new place, and if I’m successful it will be hard going back as it feels tainted, but it’s the kids rightful home. But I intend to redecorate and make some adjustments and turn it in to the home it used to be. If I’m not successful then at least I can say I tried my best to do what’s right.

I still can’t believe the emptiness I have in my heart for her, not even hate or anger is there now.

The comment on how he’s treat the kids, yeah that’s hard, but I’ve learnt now that times have changed and any aggressiveness would just look bad for me, even if it’s justifiable morally. Slow and steady is all I can do, through the proper channels.


----------



## Ljwin

Not an update just a funny story that happened last night. So I went out for a drink with a friend, she invited a new girl that is due to start working for her in the new year. We had a good night with the new girl telling us about her new baby and how great her fiancé is. So my friend leaves and I get up to leave, the new girl says can you wait till I finish this and walk me to the tram stop, so I say yeah no worries, we get outside and she says let’s have another drink you seem like you need it, so I say OK. On the way in to the new place she asks how well I know her new employers, I say not that well but we’re all friends. She says well this can be our secret night then!

Anyhow we’re inside and the following conversation ensued:

Her: I want to sh#g you
Me: You’re engaged with a baby at home, I’m a nice guy I don’t do things like that.
Her: I’m with him every day!
Me: sorry I’m a nice guy, you’ll regret it in the morning
Her: no you’re not and I’ll show you

An hour later after her dancing all over me and telling lies to her fiancé on the phone about no cabs and not wanting to be the first to leave she says “Bloody hell, you really are a nice guy”

Me: yep, now go home to your baby and fiancé, maybe next time it won’t be a nice guy, I paid for her taxi and sent her on her way.

I was pretty shocked, I hope she woke up this morning and gave her fiancé a big hug.


----------



## Ljwin

You might ask why I didn’t just leave straight away, to be honest I don’t know, but having my integrity challenged and choosing the right way to go, showed me that those that cheat have to make the moral choice to do wrong, and in that moment when we walked in to the new pub my choice was already set in my mind. I felt safe in the knowledge that I would always make the right choice. It’s just a part of me, 

I wonder if cheaters always lacked this integrity and the affairs are a symptom of this...


----------



## manwithnoname

You did this to feel better about yourself and your integrity given what you are going through.

Truth is, you didn't help this poor guy at all, not likely she'll change based on you turning her down.


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## Satya

Never go out with her again.


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## Slybud

2 weeks ago I found out my had an affair, I knew something was up and ignored the signs, I finally did and she said everything was ok, she said the in love but not in love to me, said hasn't been happy, our issues have always been communication. She has been through alot, molested as a kid, bad back, pain meds for back weened off, now she at her best 15 ye ar s later and now she wants to find herself. We had 2 marriage counseling sessions , second one she it won't work since she has no passion or need f or me or ever did. We have 3 kids, dream home. She refuses to stop communication with him. I threatened to notify his wife, and when I do that she gets mad and says that's not me and why destroy their life. I say cause mine is.she is cold now. When I look at her I don't recognize her. So cold. With her past life experiences and parents she has learned to keep everything inside and show no emotion. I have maybe seen her cry3-5 times in the 15 years we have been married. 
My life is in termoil, we are faking it for the holidays. But once xmas is over I know it's gonna get worse. I saw a lawyer and since I make double her I basically loss half. How can I afford a place to live to spend time with my kids. I have lost the 20 lbs. I went over the monthly financial with her to show her why I have been semi depressed and checked out according to her. She said I should of told her but I said why have 2 worry and I wanted the best for and the kids. She said she isn't a princess. I said your were my queen. 
I have done everything wrong, beg, cry, plead, get angry, I gave her th e bed when I should of sent her to the cold basement but I am there . I have tried to distance my self. Cause she says we aren't a couple and it's uncomfortable, unfortunately when we are all together as a family is the only time I feel ok. Yesterday was an ok day but then I at night I get mad cause she didn't help wrap and she said I didn't ask and didn't know what I was doing upstairs. Well u could of asked I said but also said but I know now I disgust you. She said isn't the case. 
She got her own phone so she keep in touch with him, cause if course Iaccidentally pinged her phone when I didn't believe she was home. I took that app off, that made her super mad. I am lost, emotional wreck for our families and kids when th ey all find out. Every one thought we had the perfect marriage. I need advice and non bias support. Later next week ki d are away with their aunt and little guy in day care and she is planning on going to her parents beach house for 2 day's, since just little guy is here and we aren't a couple so we shouldn't hang out. But her leaving homie feel is wrong. But If I say that it won't come out correctly. How can I get her back. Advice, hope!?


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## Ljwin

Well I feel for you, but my advice would be kick her out!! Took me ages to find a pair but I tell you I feel a lot better now I don’t care anymore! She will take advantage of you all the way until you pull back and stop feeding the monster in her. My friend said it best to me ‘Stop being a puppy’ basically running back to your master every time she kicks you. Took me ages but I wish I had listened to the advice from people here.

If you kick her out and tell her while she is in the A she can’t be in your life, it might wake her up, if not then it’s the right thing to do anyway. I thought I would take my W back if she ever came and said sorry, I can tell you right now I would slam the door on her, no point trying to be nice as it’ll just twist in her mind as trying to control her or you’re weak. Don’t be weak like I was, while there is strength in forgiveness and being kind, there’s a time and place, and this point in time isn’t it, maybe that can come later, but for now stop being a puppy and tell her to **** off and get her cake off the AP. Be a wolf not a puppy!

The art of war says to win any conflict you need to use deceit and create a smoke screen to confuse the enemy to ensure they have no idea what you’re doing. That’s what you need to do, keep her out of your life, stop communicating with her except for the kids and financials, no long emails, texts and calls, just as little is needed. Don’t ask questions and don’t demand, just say this is how it is, if she has a problem she’ll have to reply. You’re at war, the enemy is your wife and the AP. Maybe in the future you can reconcile, but not while she’s in the A.

That’s all I’ve got...


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## Rob_1

This is exactly what I was trying to say in my previous post: read @Slybud post. This is the poster child of a weak pathetic man that doesn't have a bone to hold him over. No woman would ever respect a man that reacts to his wife cheating 's the way this man does. Sad.


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## Ljwin

Well couldn’t have been a better xmas day really! Had a great time with the kids for the last few days and when the STBXW turned up I went out to her car, told her exactly what I thought of her and then informed her the house is now legally mine again! I said we can discuss it in mediation! Oh the look on her face. As the kids came out and got in I said “oh and Merry Christmas” she replied with a muttered barely audiable Merry Christmas. I think the penny has finally dropped that I just don’t give a **** anymore about her. She even cried and I felt absolutely nothing!

I even have a date in the new year with a stunning younger women that I know from when I was a kid, didn’t think I stood a chance but she’s really keen! Just shows what the years of following my STBXW round like a puppy can do to a mans confidence. I actually feel free and empowered!

Merry Christmas!


----------



## Marc878

Ljwin said:


> Well couldn’t have been a better xmas day really! Had a great time with the kids for the last few days and when the STBXW turned up I went out to her car, told her exactly what I thought of her and then informed her the house is now legally mine again! I said we can discuss it in mediation! Oh the look on her face. As the kids came out and got in I said “oh and Merry Christmas” she replied with a muttered barely audiable Merry Christmas. I think the penny has finally dropped that I just don’t give a **** anymore about her. She even cried and I felt absolutely nothing!
> 
> I even have a date in the new year with a stunning younger women that I know from when I was a kid, didn’t think I stood a chance but she’s really keen! Just shows what the years of following my STBXW round like a puppy can do to a mans confidence. I actually feel free and empowered!
> 
> Merry Christmas!


Nice job on getting your manhood back. Never lose it again.

Merry Christmas


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## Lostinthought61

Oh you might want to remind Mr. Wonderful when they leave the place if the do any damage to the house you will have him arrested for damages.


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## Ljwin

Yeah will do!

So my son lasted 6 hours there on xmas day before she threw him out so he came back to mine (he’s 11). She had the OM there all day and tomorrow was due to have his kids over to unwrap a load of presents. Apparently this is cancelled now.

It all started cause my daughter didn’t want to watch a TV programme without me. I’m guessing the OM might be starting to see what type of mother she actually is. The kids have known about the A for 5 weeks, not sure how she expected them to react.

Their days are numbered now, she can see I don’t care about her anymore and she can’t control me now. So she hasn’t got a clue what I’m thinking. Yesterday I said I couldn’t care if you walked off a cliff and died, apparently she told the kids I said I hope you fall off a cliff and she was upset about it. She shouldn’t be telling them stuff like that anyway, she’s said much worse to me in the past right in front of them!


----------



## manwithnoname

Ljwin said:


> Yeah will do!
> 
> So my son lasted 6 hours there on xmas day before she threw him out so he came back to mine (he’s 11). She had the OM there all day and tomorrow was due to have his kids over to unwrap a load of presents. Apparently this is cancelled now.
> 
> It all started cause my daughter didn’t want to watch a TV programme without me. I’m guessing the OM might be starting to see what type of mother she actually is. The kids have known about the A for 5 weeks, not sure how she expected them to react.
> 
> *Their days are numbered now, she can see I don’t care about her anymore and she can’t control me now. So she hasn’t got a clue what I’m thinking. Yesterday I said I couldn’t care if you walked off a cliff and died, apparently she told the kids I said I hope you fall off a cliff and she was upset about it. She shouldn’t be telling them stuff like that anyway, she’s said much worse to me in the past right in front of them!*


You are totally over her now. You shouldn't care about their relationship, what her thoughts are etc. And probably a good idea to stop talking to her other than things that are absolutely necessary.


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## Lostinthought61

Beware of the vestiges of a desperate person when they fear the have lost everything they taint the waters....in this case your children. How unstable can she get?


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## Ljwin

Yes good point! 

Well she collected my son this morning at 9am, he was back again by 12 as he ran away. Apparently the OM said he doesn’t want to go round today because of my son, so they were sitting watching TV when she made them both power their phones down and started to blame them for him not coming round, then read a load of new rules to them. So he took off after another argument.

She’s absolutely nuts! 

Also agree with the point on not talking to her, I’m sending through the kids schedule for January and then that should be the last time as I’m printing it off for the kids so they always know where they are.


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## lucy999

Ljwin said:


> Also agree with the point on not talking to her, I’m sending through the kids schedule for January and then that should be the last time as I’m printing it off for the kids so they always know where they are.


I could be misunderstanding this paragraph, but Google co-parenting Calendars. There are a plethora of them. It's a jointly shared calendar for kids activities and such. That way, you won't even have to talk to her about that.


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## Ljwin

Not talking to her, just meant send an email with the kids schedule. Trying to organise anything online would be pointless, as she’ll never see it through.

This way I can print it out for the kids and they can carry it with them so they don’t have to rely on her to remember anything.


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## Ljwin

So my STBXW has shunned mediation, didn’t even bother to reply to the mediator. So I have a form to send to the courts to inform them of this and I’ve instructed my solicitor to start divorce proceedings on Tuesday and send a letter giving her notice to vacate my house. I’ve also stopped paying her loan instalments as we agreed that before I discovered the A.

Depression and anger seems to be setting in a bit, I can’t sleep for feeling angry about what her and her AP have done to our family! He’s pretty much there every day now. His W has taken their daughter out of my STBXW’s nursery care now, so looks like she’s woke up. I told my kids we’ll be moving back in and they’ve said it’s not home anymore and want to stay here. I have to consider their feelings but tbh I think once I redecorate and move things around and burn my bloody bed it’ll feel like home again.


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## turnera

Let the kids help you decide how to redecorate.


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## 10th Engineer Harrison

turnera said:


> Let the kids help you decide how to redecorate.


and where to live.


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## Ljwin

So when she found out as the adulterer she is liabale for the court costs she called the mediator and set up an appointment lol! So this is going to be interesting.

I’m at a loss what to do with the house, I don’t see why she should have it just to use as a nursery to finance her new life with him, but my kids really like it here.

I spoke to his wife yesterday on the phone, initially she didn’t want to talk, but we ended up chatting for half an hour. She’s moved out in to a new house. She’s trying to forget it all and move on with her life. I said that’s easy to do but he’s living with my kids and I have no idea who he is. That was my reason for calling, to try and understand how he is with kids, she said there’s nothing to worry about there. I don’t think so, he obviously has no morals and values and apparently hes a Christian with deep faith!!!


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## Ljwin

So it was my daughters 10th birthday yesterday, she had them from 7pm overnight. So did she spend time with her daughter on her 10th birthday, nope, she took them to dog racing with him and his kids, said it was a surprise for everybody!! Bloody dog racing. I realise that things like this are going to keep happening, but I need to rise above it and make up on my side for what they’re missing out on.


----------



## Lostinthought61

It's part of the cheater's code.....the only person that matters is the other person and their needs...and that sadly it also involves the kids.

Here is where most effected spouses forget, they approach things rationally, and they assume that the cheating spouse will approach things in the same manner when it involves the kids...WRONG!!!!


LJ, consider this....I suspect this is her thinking right now...
She is losing the house, the kids, her business, the only thing she has to hold on too, is him, so in her mind she will hold on for dear life, because once she is gone and we both know that is just a matter of time, she will crash, and crash bad.


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## GusPolinski

Ljwin said:


> So it was my daughters 10th birthday yesterday, she had them from 7pm overnight. So did she spend time with her daughter on her 10th birthday, nope, she took them to dog racing with him and his kids, said it was a surprise for everybody!! Bloody dog racing. I realise that things like this are going to keep happening, but I need to rise above it and make up on my side for what they’re missing out on.


Document, document, document.


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## Ljwin

Lostinthought61 said:


> It's part of the cheater's code.....the only person that matters is the other person and their needs...and that sadly it also involves the kids.
> 
> Here is where most effected spouses forget, they approach things rationally, and they assume that the cheating spouse will approach things in the same manner when it involves the kids...WRONG!!!!
> 
> 
> LJ, consider this....I suspect this is her thinking right now...
> She is losing the house, the kids, her business, the only thing she has to hold on too, is him, so in her mind she will hold on for dear life, because once she is gone and we both know that is just a matter of time, she will crash, and crash bad.


Yeah, she’s going to crash big time! My daughter told me today that my STBXW sat her down last night and asked her why she doesn’t like the AP, then said if you don’t tell me we can’t fix it. My daughter stayed silent and said she doesn’t know she just doesn’t. Why she had to do this on her 10th birthday I have no idea. I’m sure it’s not hard to figure out, he’s where her daddy should be, doesn’t take two brain cells to figure that out! Also she was upset after school because she didn’t like the dog racing, she thought it was cruel. I already knew this as she’s mentioned it before. I suspect her Mum knew too, but chose not to remember.


----------



## [email protected]

Why isn't Child Protective Services in on this?


----------



## Ljwin

[email protected] said:


> Why isn't Child Protective Services in on this?


They have been involved, but they say there’s no grounds to do anything, they have stipulated she needs to reduce contact with the AP around the children, I don’t think it’s happening though. To be honest they seem to think I’m just a jealous husband. Their words to me where “you need to put your big boy pants on” I said I think I’m wearing enough pairs of them already!! They did say she was using the kids as a weapon against me and she was putting her R with the AP first, but they see this stuff all the time. Where we live their was a big grooming case involving thousands of kids, so they’re really strained too.

The whole things just a **** show really! What’s crazy is through all this, I really miss being a family, but I need to keep my emotions in check to ensure I keep doing the right things for me and the kids. I found out the AP’s W spoke to my wife after I spoke to her on the phone, or she spoke to her H, not sure, but anyhow what I said got back to her. This might be why she had the chat with my daughter, not sure.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Ljwin said:


> They have been involved, but they say there’s no grounds to do anything, they have stipulated she needs to reduce contact with the AP around the children, I don’t think it’s happening though. To be honest they seem to think I’m just a jealous husband. Their words to me where “you need to put your big boy pants on” I said I think I’m wearing enough pairs of them already!! They did say she was using the kids as a weapon against me and she was putting her R with the AP first, but they see this stuff all the time. Where we live their was a big grooming case involving thousands of kids, so they’re really strained too.
> 
> The whole things just a **** show really! What’s crazy is through all this, I really miss being a family, but I need to keep my emotions in check to ensure I keep doing the right things for me and the kids. I found out the AP’s W spoke to my wife after I spoke to her on the phone, or she spoke to her H, not sure, but anyhow what I said got back to her. This might be why she had the chat with my daughter, not sure.


Really sucks man, I know. Nothing you asked for and you just hope people would have a sense of common sense and decency. I got to the point where I was like ok, I realize this isn't going to work with my wife but I don't want this for my kids since we are both loving parents and work together better all as one but because of someone else's actions, that you thought you could trust and entrusted your life to, you will no longer get to spend everyday with your kids, it sucks. In my case, the affair has been much more secretive so the kids haven't been exposed to the other man and my not be ever, at least not this guy but someone else in the future because the OMW forced the issue and he went crawling back to her.

Keep your head and keep doing the right things for your kids and it will pay off! 

Endure!


----------



## Ljwin

stillfightingforus said:


> Really sucks man, I know. Nothing you asked for and you just hope people would have a sense of common sense and decency. I got to the point where I was like ok, I realize this isn't going to work with my wife but I don't want this for my kids since we are both loving parents and work together better all as one but because of someone else's actions, that you thought you could trust and entrusted your life to, you will no longer get to spend everyday with your kids, it sucks. In my case, the affair has been much more secretive so the kids haven't been exposed to the other man and my not be ever, at least not this guy but someone else in the future because the OMW forced the issue and he went crawling back to her.
> 
> Keep your head and keep doing the right things for your kids and it will pay off!
> 
> Endure!


Thanks man, and for the Batman quote too!

I told the APs wife, then told my W she had to tell her parents and always tell the truth if asked. I exposed the A which kind of backfired as it took it out of secrecy and seems to make them think they can just carry on in front of everyone, although I think he may be there less during the day now.

After I told the neighbours, we spoke on the phone and she said “I don’t know who you are anymore” I said you are kidding me, you’ve destroyed our family, to which she replied “no you destroyed our family, I wrote you a letter but it’s in the bin now” I still don’t know what was in that letter. Maybe an apology or her trying for reconciliation, I’m unsure. I often think about how great it would be to be a family again, but then I remember the awful lies she told me and the way she treat us when I was unaware of the A, and I just don’t think I could get past that.

I have a letter to read out to her in mediation, it’s a burning bridges letter. It’s meant to ensure that when the A blows up, she understands there is no way back to me. It’s going to be so hard to read it out, and I of course still love her, but I can’t move forward in my life with her as part of it.


----------



## Chaparral

If she ever try’s to come back then read her the letter. Otherwise, you maight as well blow your nose on it. A cheaters life depends on the lies they tell . Unless they figure that out on their own, no one can tell them anything. For now you are the bad guy to her, standing in the way of true love. Whether or not she ever wants to come back the likely hood she will remain with her Posom is only three percent. 

Of course they believe they will be different. Of course they will want your forgiveness. You do not have to forgive if they do not repent and make amends. That means they have to drop each other. There is no
other way for a Christian to get out of adultery.

Good luck to you and your kids. Your biggest asset is the 180, especially the small details of it.


----------



## Ljwin

Well things are going from bad to worse. Child Services now seem to be on her side completely, the social worker stated that I have been sharing too much with the children and is thinking about supervised access for me and then stated I am being vindictive in taking my House back, I explained that this is non of her business and said I’m making a complaint against her as she is clearly biased. I lost it a bit with her and sent her a very blunt text to that effect. I’ve spoken to families need fathers and they have said that it sounds like I’m right so I should pursue it. The SS worker even asked my wife if she wanted to reduce my contact and she said no she doesn’t want that and it’s not needed.

I’ve requested she come and see me and answer all my questions regarding her biased approach, and there is quite a lot to be honest!


----------



## Marc878

Id blow her up to her superiors with documentation. That's all that will count.

Without facts you have nothing.


----------



## turnera

Yeah, don't waste time with her. Call her supervisor Tuesday morning.


----------



## Ljwin

Just when you think you’ve heard it all, there’s more. So, long day as my son jumped out of my STBXW car as it was moving and ran to my house. She didn’t even bother texting him for an hour! He’s 11! Anyhow, on from that she came to drop off my daughter and I was moving the snow off my drive. I went over to ask her for my sons school bag. Lots of tears about having no money and can’t pay bills and kids won’t listen to her etc. My respons was well that’s the consequences.

So on top of that, yesterday I found out she failed to inform me that a member of staff at my kids sport centre has been convicted of accessing indecent images of children and has been convicted and placed on the sex register for life. I was supposed to go to the parents meeting about it on Sunday but she insisted she should go (I didn’t know what the meeting was about), I agreed but asked her to let me know what’s up, she never did. I found out about it on my sons team FB group chat!!! Now she managed to find the time to call the guy in question to talk to him about it, but somehow forgot to inform me! They’re friends you see.

There’s more... so my daughter says today that they’ve been staying over at the AP’s new house with all his kids, my son is sleeping on a mattress and she’s in a bunk bed with one of his other kids! WTF!!

She sobbed in the car today. I told her that she’s taken things too fast, that the kids are suffering (I didn’t know about them staying over at that point). But, the best part of all this is that when my son arrived this morning I knew it had to be something bad like usual so I hit record on my phone. He laid it all out for me, she hit him in his face the night before, she dragged him down the stairs and threw him in the car. I said mum keeps hurting you but you lie to child services, why? He said cause I don’t want them to take me away from Mummy. 

I’m finally vindicated! Child Services think I make it all up cause he denies it when they ask him. Next time they visit me, if they ever do as they seem to only visit her, I’ll pop my phone on the table and hit play! I’ll then sit back and wait for the apologies to rain down. I literally cried when I got it on tape of what she does to him. I’ve had to sit here knowing it’s happening and they don’t believe me, I warned her today to stop losing it with my son. She is responsible for his behaviour when he is with her. Here we never even have a crossed word. My kids and I have a very friendly relationship but they know the boundaries and they show me respect which I return to them. I treat them as equals with patience and love, not as an inconvenience.


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## Noble1

Nothing really to add here but I see you are in a horrible situation.

It would tear me up to see my kids getting hurt and not being able to do much about it.

Good luck to you and your kids.


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## Marc878

Don't wait for a visit go see them now. Those are your kids too!!!!


----------



## Ljwin

Well an interesting day. I had a meeting with child services. Yesterday I passed a parent at the school that was quite implicit in covering for my STBXW, she said hi, I said F*ck off! So my STBXW reporter it to child services. At that moment I said yes I did say that, took out my phone and played them back the recording of my son telling me how she hurts him and that he doesn’t want to speak to them in case they stop him seeing his Mum. What followed were apologies, but then a statement to say they didn’t think I was telling lies. Erm OK!! So they said they won’t be back in contact with me, they have no further concerns about me but they’ll be sending their Mum on a course to understand how to better parent and not resort to physically handling him. That’ll look good for her as a child minder won’t it!!! I said when this fantasy ends, she’ll realise what she’s done, they said we think she’s already realised that!

I think where she is at the moment is that she knows she’s f*cked up, she knows there is no way back to me so can only try and move forward with the AP. But that’ll never work cause the kids do not want to live with him.

I bumped in to another parent tonight, and it seems she is telling everyone the truth! She isn’t hiding that she has had an affair, but for everyone she tells she loses another friend. I think she’s looking for someone to say oh that’s the right thing to do. Instead they are aligning with me without me even speaking to them.. She asked me to take my kids out with them next Sunday, commented on my weight loss, said she only knew it was me cause of my daughter! I’ve known her for ages. Everyone she shared it with don’t want to know, they all know me and know I’m a nice guy and a great Dad. They know her really well and me much less but still see the terrible thing she has done. I just don’t see how she cannot see how terrible it is!!


----------



## Ljwin

Haven’t posted an update in a while!!

Same old stuff really, STBXW continues to make the kids life absolute hell on Earth, my 10 yr old D caught her in bed with OM, who’s bedroom, my flipping daughters!! Son is an emotional wreck as is my daughter, but hey affairs are normal right as she so gracefully put it!!

You can probably tell I’m slightly further forward now! I just have nothing there for her anymore, not even hate really, just looking forward to the day my kids are old enough so I don’t have to send the schedule every month and have anything to do with her.

As for me, well to be quite honest my life is pretty fantastic regarding just myself and putting the kids issues to one side! I was using some dating apps, and in a surprise coincidence my ex girlfriend from 20 years ago swiped me! Now from memory it didn’t end well on her part really, but we were about 15 so just kids really. We haven’t seen or heard from each other in 20 years. Anyhow we met up back in my hometown which is pretty far away. I didn’t expect much, but it was pretty amazing, she’s changed a lot!! Not my usually type anymore but we had an instant connection, it was actually awkward being awkward! We spent the night together and she admitted to loving me this whole time even throughout her own 12 year marriage. We live far part and both have responsibilities but are continuing to see each other when we can, which isn’t a lot. But we speak everyday and are growing very close, just sort of feels right. What I can say is I felt more love from her in one night than I’ve felt in the last 10 years, maybe more! I realise now what it’s supposed to feel like.


----------



## Chaparral

Very cool!


----------



## TX-SC

Ljwin said:


> Haven’t posted an update in a while!!
> 
> Same old stuff really, STBXW continues to make the kids life absolute hell on Earth, my 10 yr old D caught her in bed with OM, who’s bedroom, my flipping daughters!! Son is an emotional wreck as is my daughter, but hey affairs are normal right as she so gracefully put it!!
> 
> You can probably tell I’m slightly further forward now! I just have nothing there for her anymore, not even hate really, just looking forward to the day my kids are old enough so I don’t have to send the schedule every month and have anything to do with her.
> 
> As for me, well to be quite honest my life is pretty fantastic regarding just myself and putting the kids issues to one side! I was using some dating apps, and in a surprise coincidence my ex girlfriend from 20 years ago swiped me! Now from memory it didn’t end well on her part really, but we were about 15 so just kids really. We haven’t seen or heard from each other in 20 years. Anyhow we met up back in my hometown which is pretty far away. I didn’t expect much, but it was pretty amazing, she’s changed a lot!! Not my usually type anymore but we had an instant connection, it was actually awkward being awkward! We spent the night together and she admitted to loving me this whole time even throughout her own 12 year marriage. We live far part and both have responsibilities but are continuing to see each other when we can, which isn’t a lot. But we speak everyday and are growing very close, just sort of feels right. What I can say is I felt more love from her in one night than I’ve felt in the last 10 years, maybe more! I realise now what it’s supposed to feel like.


She loved you throughout her 12 year marriage??? Oh good Lord.

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Ljwin said:


> Haven’t posted an update in a while!!
> 
> Same old stuff really, STBXW continues to make the kids life absolute hell on Earth, my 10 yr old D caught her in bed with OM, who’s bedroom, my flipping daughters!! *Son is an emotional wreck as is my daughter*, but hey affairs are normal right as she so gracefully put it!!
> 
> You can probably tell I’m slightly further forward now! I just have nothing there for her anymore, not even hate really, just looking forward to the day my kids are old enough so I don’t have to send the schedule every month and have anything to do with her.
> 
> As for me, well to be quite honest my life is pretty fantastic regarding just myself and putting the kids issues to one side! I was using some dating apps, and in a surprise coincidence my ex girlfriend from 20 years ago swiped me! Now from memory it didn’t end well on her part really, but we were about 15 so just kids really. We haven’t seen or heard from each other in 20 years. Anyhow we met up back in my hometown which is pretty far away. I didn’t expect much, but it was pretty amazing, she’s changed a lot!! Not my usually type anymore but we had an instant connection, it was actually awkward being awkward! We spent the night together and she admitted to loving me this whole time even throughout her own 12 year marriage. We live far part and both have responsibilities but are continuing to see each other when we can, which isn’t a lot. But we speak everyday and are growing very close, just sort of feels right. What I can say is I felt more love from her in one night than I’ve felt in the last 10 years, maybe more! I realise now what it’s supposed to feel like.


Am I missing something here, there's nothing legally you can do about this. I think I must be behind a few pages. There's no way in heck I could stand for this but understand you may be hamstrung by the legal process. I would get every single family member I had and do whatever it took to broadcast her actions with the kids. I'm not even sure I could obey the law if this was happening to my kids.


----------



## turnera

Are your children in therapy?


----------



## jlg07

How can you not contact someone about this being inappropriate -- having sex IN your daughters bed WHILE they are there? Isn't she 10 years old? How about getting him on charges for inappropriate behavior with a minor? I would CERTAINLY nail that social worker on being biased and get someone else assigned to look into this.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

jlg07 said:


> How can you not contact someone about this being inappropriate -- having sex IN your daughters bed WHILE they are there? Isn't she 10 years old? How about getting him on charges for inappropriate behavior with a minor? I would CERTAINLY nail that social worker on being biased and get someone else assigned to look into this.


I'm not even joking. If the legal system can't help him I would be contacting the local newspapers, tv stations etc. Anything to blow this up and get it noticed.


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## Ljwin

Well, I don't think she meant she pined for me lol! But rather I was her first love, and I guess as childhood sweethearts a connection is built that hangs around. Her marriage was awful, she was married to a bully who abused her in many ways. Again, two sides to every story and all that I ain't stupid! But I would say his 5 yr suspended sentence and injunction kind of speaks for itself. She's been out of the marriage and divorced for a while. Also, I guess sometimes it takes being treat like **** to realize what you had in the past. And she actually said, she thinks she never stopped loving me, but it wasn't until we saw each other again that it all came back.

I found myself feeling like I did too which was a big shock, and I loved my wife enough to put up with her selfish unloving **** for years. The kind of love I had for my wife was very deep from years of living together and raising our children. It can't just be replaced in a flick of a switch! But, I realize now that I was always the giver in our R, and that's something I will never settle for again.


----------



## Ljwin

turnera said:


> Are your children in therapy?


I'm working with the school councilors to try and offer them support. It's terribly difficult all round!


----------



## Ljwin

So, to try and answer all the questions in one, there is simply nothing I can do. I have tried and tried with child services and they simply say, he is her new partner now, its happening and everyone need to get used to it. OK, I could go outside of the legal system and what will that accomplish, last time I tried that she had me arrested. I am all the kids have, and they need me, I won't jeopardize that!

We live in the middle of an area where 3000 young girls were groomed by Islamic gangs, the newspapers and authorities are just not interested. I've considered emailing her to ask her to stop being a bloody selfish prick, but to what end! Anything I say she will rebel against. As for family, she has none, they've abandoned her as has every other friend since this all came out.


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## Lostinthought61

Lj do you have an update on house situation?


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Ljwin said:


> So, to try and answer all the questions in one, there is simply nothing I can do. I have tried and tried with child services and they simply say, he is her new partner now, its happening and everyone need to get used to it. OK, I could go outside of the legal system and what will that accomplish, last time I tried that she had me arrested. I am all the kids have, and they need me, I won't jeopardize that!
> 
> We live in the middle of an area where 3000 young girls were groomed by Islamic gangs, the newspapers and authorities are just not interested. I've considered emailing her to ask her to stop being a bloody selfish prick, but to what end! Anything I say she will rebel against. As for family, she has none, they've abandoned her as has every other friend since this all came out.


Good Lord man! A lot of us here have obviously gone through or are going through (me) a special type of misery right now but I have to commend you for keeping it all together throughout all of this! There's a special payback on two very opposite sides of the spectrum for what you are doing and what she is doing. That debt will be paid eventually, I can assure you of that!

If you are ever in Michigan, USA - Dinner is on me!


----------



## Ljwin

Lostinthought61 said:


> Lj do you have an update on house situation?


Yes, we have a joint mediation meeting coming up next month. I'll be informing her we'll be moving back in on the 1st May. I have a peaceful eviction team ready to go to make it happen. Now, I'm actually torn on what to do with the house. I'm settled here and so are the kids, so I'm considering using this as a bargaining chip. I'll say you can keep the house, but I get a clean break from this M in every respect and never look back!! Once my kids are slightly older I'll be moving us to the city center away from this place depending on which further education track they choose anyway, and that's only if they want to of course. I would say though that if she continues to act in this way, then I'll kick her out and she can go live with him full time, she does anyway when the kids arent there. I'm also considering reducing her days back down as she obviously can't handle to be apart from the OM. Although, to be honest sounds like she's clinging on by a thread to the fantasy!


----------



## Ljwin

stillfightingforus said:


> Good Lord man! A lot of us here have obviously gone through or are going through (me) a special type of misery right now but I have to commend you for keeping it all together throughout all of this! There's a special payback on two very opposite sides of the spectrum for what you are doing and what she is doing. That debt will be paid eventually, I can assure you of that!
> 
> If you are ever in Michigan, USA - Dinner is on me!


Thank you. For me, the only way to get through it is to keep moving forward at every turn. I met someone recently who's W was in the bar with him and was sleeping with every other guy there. They still share a bed and she is open she will leave him eventually when she finds the right person. I told him she is disrespecting you being here, he said he still loves her and how the hell am I so bloody happy?! I told him, my friend, you are in love with the women you thought she was, and you are mourning the loss of what could never be. Now go dance with those women over there!

I am truly thankful that my W's pedestal that I placed her on has fallen. My ex from 20 years ago described me in one sentence 'incredibly funny and incredibly serious at the same time' before we met back up, well my humor had disappeared and my W complained I was always different around other people. Yes dear, cause you told me I wasn't funny and it was embarrasing! No, I think I just took the light off you which you so desperately craved. In the night I spent with my long lost ex we laughed so hard we couldn't breathe, and its the same with any other group I'm with. I went to see my old godfather, he simply said "you're back, I missed you".

I don't get to the states much, but if I do, I'll certainly take you up on that!


----------



## jlg07

Ljwin said:


> So, to try and answer all the questions in one, there is simply nothing I can do. I have tried and tried with child services and they simply say, he is her new partner now, its happening and everyone need to get used to it. OK, I could go outside of the legal system and what will that accomplish, last time I tried that she had me arrested. I am all the kids have, and they need me, I won't jeopardize that!
> 
> We live in the middle of an area where 3000 young girls were groomed by Islamic gangs, the newspapers and authorities are just not interested. I've considered emailing her to ask her to stop being a bloody selfish prick, but to what end! Anything I say she will rebel against. As for family, she has none, they've abandoned her as has every other friend since this all came out.


Maybe you could bring this up to the SCHOOL counselors/social workers? Have them be aware of this to make sure nothing more goes on -- they could talk independently to the children (esp your 10yr old). Not sure where you are but schools can report this type of issue also.....


----------



## Ljwin

jlg07 said:


> Ljwin said:
> 
> 
> 
> So, to try and answer all the questions in one, there is simply nothing I can do. I have tried and tried with child services and they simply say, he is her new partner now, its happening and everyone need to get used to it. OK, I could go outside of the legal system and what will that accomplish, last time I tried that she had me arrested. I am all the kids have, and they need me, I won't jeopardize that!
> 
> We live in the middle of an area where 3000 young girls were groomed by Islamic gangs, the newspapers and authorities are just not interested. I've considered emailing her to ask her to stop being a bloody selfish prick, but to what end! Anything I say she will rebel against. As for family, she has none, they've abandoned her as has every other friend since this all came out.
> 
> 
> 
> Maybe you could bring this up to the SCHOOL counselors/social workers? Have them be aware of this to make sure nothing more goes on -- they could talk independently to the children (esp your 10yr old). Not sure where you are but schools can report this type of issue also.....
Click to expand...

I have regular meetings with them so will be bringing it up next time. 

I actually decided to send the email in the end. I simply said I realise it’s pointless communicating with her but when our D is talking about not wanting her life anymore I have no choice. I told her she’s broken her promise to her little girl not to have him overnight anymore. I pointed out too that my S has been breaking down begging me to fix everything. I told her it is unfair on me to have to deal with these issues when it is so easy for her to fix them her end by giving them the love they need. I was a bit harsh in that I said the reality is she’s screwing the guy who destroyed their lives right next to them! I ended by saying as the kids age they’ll judge us on our actions when they needed us most, and that I sleep soundly knowing I love them selflessly. I’ll not get a response, I’m sure she will either have thrown an anger fit or cried and sobbed when she received it. Either way she’ll now just tell my D that’s shes lonely and he’s all she’s got. Last time she said that my kids came home crying asking why they weren’t enough for her when they’re there.

It’s a shame that he has completely isolated her from her family and friends. He did this by being rude to them and setting expectations that A’s are normal and everyone will be fine with it. He’s given her freedom in the form of being able to hang about with guys all the time without worrying what I will think, difference is we were married and the line got crossed so many times that it was difficult to handle. Funny thing is she’s told him she’s a Tom boy and likes to be around guys! Wow, well we were together since we were 16 and I don’t remember that at all, I met all her childhood friends and there weren’t many boys at all! One day she will look at him and see a man who has shown no care for her children, has stolen their innocence and wrecked a family. It takes two without a doubt and it’s on her, it was her that swore her vow to me, and it they are her children. But when that time comes it will be too late to undo the damage she has done.

I bumped in to her assistant the other day in a local shop, she said she doesn’t talk to her anymore or tell her anything, it’s just work now and she hates seeing what she’s doing to the kids. I know my W well, she will pursue this course of action until the bitter end to prove herself right and that it was all worth it. Only time will tell what happens, and while that’s happening I just need to give the children my full support.


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## Ljwin

So it’s been a while again... things were going pretty well for me personally, I had no contact with her at all except the odd email here and there, then day after mother’s day I got a text that I hadn’t received from mother’s day night. It said ‘are you home, I think your son needs to cinema back to you’. I text back and asked why, she said doesn’t matter now.

When the kids arrived back as normal I found out the AP had grabbed him by his shoulders and my S punched him in the face, AP said do that again so he did. Then AP followed him around the house not letting him leave the room all while my D is shouting leave my brother alone and my STBXW is shouting at the AP to not get angry. I sent an email asking her to explain before I decide what to do next.

Instead of replying she called me and talked forever Bout it all being a misunderstanding and then apologised for hitting my son over the head with a book the same night. I lost it on her on the phone, she said why are you speaking to me like this. I said I want in to my home to get my stuff, she said I don’t trust you, well I told her to go **** herself and hung up. I text to say don’t call me again! Later I emailed to say I’ll let her deal with the issue but she must keep him away from my kids while she sorts this out otherwise I’ll intervene. The next Monday she tells my kids they’ll never see him again and they’re finished, next day she tells them he’s back and why don’t they like him and that daddy isn’t nice and he is and it’s all my fault. Same week my kids are there my son is woken up by arguing and the AP leaves in a taxi.

Next time my kids were there my son ran away and stayed with me for 10 days and refused to talk to her. I’d emailed before all this to ask if she wanted the kids for 2 hours on her birthday. I got a reply the day before to say that would be great. She turned up with the AP in his car but only my daughter would go, I didn’t realise until after they left. I emailed and said do not bring that man to to my house again.

Later that week we had or first joint mediation meeting, she refused to be in the same room as me, made some ridiculous demands and I left feeling frustrated.

Fast forward to two weeks ago I broke my leg in 3 places so had no choice but to text her from the hospital to make sure she could get the kids to their activities. She took my son and then text me back saying if he ever speaks to her that way again he can find his own way. I replied saying I think it’s best she discusses that with him and checked she’s ok for their Saturday activities, her response was if I’m not busy, which I am. Then when my son got home he said his mum said I should learn to take a bus! I lost it big time, I sent her a scathing text and then posted it to Facebook for all to see who she really is!

Next day I deleted it, regretted doing it and even sending the text in the first place. My son comes home from his mums and says she showed him some of the text to show how mean I am to her! Daughter comes home and says mummy said tell daddy she’s blocked you on all communication, phone email everything.

She then made vague promises to the kids for their activities on certain days, poor kids had no idea where they were supposed to be. All my fault of course for losing my cool, but still it’s about me and her and didn’t need to involve the kids! I emailed anyway to say the kids haven’t got s clue what’s going on with their activities, no response. A couple days later the family worker comes to see me which was prearranged. I told her I lost it and sent a mean text although all true and now she’s refusing to communicate for the kids, she said she would have a word. Same day the family worker sees STBXW she fails to collect the kids from their activity and sends a friend to be with her other friend who that same day was given a two year suspended sentence for viewing indecent images of children. And after being told by the family worker to stop communicating through the kids, she tells my kids to tell me I owe her money from an incorrect amazon order at xmas.

Next day her AP posts a picture of them as his profile pic on Facebook. I only know as I went into my blocked list to add more of her friends, I blocked her ages ago and anyone else she knows. Hit me really hard seeing them together all smiley and happy while her children are suffering!

So, I’ve decided to just stop communicating all together too. I’ve made sure the kids understand when they’re at their Mums from school. I’m using taxis to get them to their activities and told them not to ask them their mum. They’re tired of being let down and being caught in the middle all the time.

When will this nightmare end!! I feel really bad for posting to Facebook, I’ve ever given any hint on social media of anything wrong, I don’t air my laundry in public and feel I really let me self and my kids down. Also sending the text in the first place, up until then all the crap she said about me being crazy had no backing whatsoever, now she can say look he’s mental! I also know she’s been telling people I was abusive and controlling, I just can’t beleive it! Feeling the worst I’ve felt in a long time being held up in a villiage with no family or friends here looking after the kids, working from home with my broken leg and still having her crap to deal with!


----------



## ABHale

All I can say is, I’m surprised you held back as long as you did. 

I believe BSs need to defend themselves. I think they should use social media to tell their side of the story when necessary. Stated plain and simply what has occurred. Ask for prayers for your kids as they go through this time. 

Yes you wife has isolated herself but other knowing the facts will help in the long run. If you do this don’t mention the OM at all, put the full blame on your WW. 

Anyway check with you lawyer to make sure you aren’t breaking any of these new harassment laws if you post the truth of the situation.


----------



## Ljwin

I didn’t really mention him other than referring to him as the old man. It was pretty offensive though so didn’t do myself any favours. First time I’ve let it out tbh but it all just got too much. I’ve checked the harassment laws in the UK and one text isn’t enough. I just want to get on with my life without all the craziness but I would say I’ve got a ways to go yet...


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Why didn't you call the police when POSOM grabbed your kid, and your STBXW hit him with a book?


----------



## Ljwin

Rubix Cubed said:


> Why didn't you call the police when POSOM grabbed your kid, and your STBXW hit him with a book?


Well, you would think they would do something wouldn’t you, but I’ve repeatedly told Social Services and proved she has hit my son and they say there’s nothing they can do. Now from him grabbing my son I’m not sure what the police would do, I mean he wasn’t hurt or bruised so not sure that it would go anywhere really. In hindsight I probably should have called them for advice I suppose.


----------



## TheBohannons

If any man touched my daughter, it would be HIM that would call the police on me. To save his life. There is no excuse for allowing what is happening to your children. There is passive and then there is pathetic. That's why she left you.


----------



## Ljwin

TheBohannons said:


> If any man touched my daughter, it would be HIM that would call the police on me. To save his life. There is no excuse for allowing what is happening to your children. There is passive and then there is pathetic. That's why she left you.


I doubt it pal, I’ve done my fair share of hurting people in my life, I’m ex army and fought in the Balkins. Now say I go punch his lights out, what then for my kids with me locked up. They’ll get full time crazy instead of 40%! Jog on!


----------



## just got it 55

TheBohannons said:


> If any man touched my daughter, it would be HIM that would call the police on me. To save his life. There is no excuse for allowing what is happening to your children. There is passive and then there is pathetic. *That's why she left you*.


TB not helpful

55


----------



## TDSC60

Ljwin said:


> Well, you would think they would do something wouldn’t you, but I’ve repeatedly told Social Services and proved she has hit my son and they say there’s nothing they can do. Now from him grabbing my son I’m not sure what the police would do, I mean he wasn’t hurt or bruised so not sure that it would go anywhere really. *In hindsight I probably should have called them for advice I suppose.*


Not just for advice, but to get it on record that he assaulted your son.......and the boys mother also did. Hitting a child on the head is not allowed and cannot be cloaked as punishment. Will you please stop making excuses for their abuse of your children. It does not matter that Social Services or the cops DO anything immediately. You need to document, document, document. This will help down the road.


----------



## TheBohannons

just got it 55 said:


> TB not helpful
> 
> 55


Not helpful to who?

The 11 year old boy who constantly runs away, jumps out of cars and gets grabbed and struck by a man that is not his father?

Not helpful? Sorry no pillows and tissues and tissues for some one who is busy whining about the X while the children live in violence and fear.


----------



## TheBohannons

Ljwin said:


> I doubt it pal, I’ve done my fair share of hurting people in my life, I’m ex army and fought in the Balkins. Now say I go punch his lights out, what then for my kids with me locked up. They’ll get full time crazy instead of 40%! Jog on!


Sorry, but I will put a 120 lb woman against you any time, when it comes to protecting your children. A woman would have burnt that house down. What is it going to take, your son jumping out of another car and getting struck by a truck? Your son running away for the 10th time and coming up missing? The AP losing control and one of your children ending up dead?

Sorry, but your military experience is a bunch of jello. When another man struck your child, you did nothing.

Step up to the plate and protect your children....By any means necessary.


----------



## just got it 55

TheBohannons said:


> Not helpful to who?
> 
> The 11 year old boy who constantly runs away, jumps out of cars and gets grabbed and struck by a man that is not his father?
> 
> Not helpful? Sorry no pillows and tissues and tissues for some one who is busy whining about the X while the children live in violence and fear.


"This is why she left you" your words Not pertinant to the point NOT HELPFUL

Sorry OP End T/J

55


----------



## TheBohannons

Not worth it.

Hopefully that is "helpful"


----------



## TheBohannons

just got it 55 said:


> "This is why she left you" your words Not pertinant to the point NOT HELPFUL
> 
> Sorry OP End T/J
> 
> 55


Well you can focus on that, if it makes you feel better. I 

Anyway, Disregard and ignore.

Prayers for your family 

Out


----------



## Ljwin

TDSC60 said:


> Not just for advice, but to get it on record that he assaulted your son.......and the boys mother also did. Hitting a child on the head is not allowed and cannot be cloaked as punishment. Will you please stop making excuses for their abuse of your children. It does not matter that Social Services or the cops DO anything immediately. You need to document, document, document. This will help down the road.


I’ve infromed the family worker of the incident which she’s following up on. She’s back out to see me tomorrow so hopefully will get some answers.


----------



## Ljwin

TheBohannons said:


> Sorry, but I will put a 120 lb woman against you any time, when it comes to protecting your children. A woman would have burnt that house down. What is it going to take, your son jumping out of another car and getting struck by a truck? Your son running away for the 10th time and coming up missing? The AP losing control and one of your children ending up dead?
> 
> Sorry, but your military experience is a bunch of jello. When another man struck your child, you did nothing.
> 
> Step up to the plate and protect your children....By any means necessary.


Before I dealt with social services and the police I would have never thought I could let this happen, I’d be the first there with a baseball bat killing some ****er! But when I confronted them outside my own home at the beginning of all this with no threats or violence I was arrested and she made up loads of stuff about what I said and did, thankfully the kids stories and their shouting in the background ‘why you lying mummy’ got me out but it was touch and go. I cannot let myself be taken away from my children. I would love nothing more than to rip his face off but to what end, what will it accomplish? Me being locked up and the kids living without me. Don’t you see this is what they want, they want me to flip and do something and with that I hand them all the power and my children. Social services are now aware and looking in to it. I’ll take advice on whether him garabbing my son is abuse, if so I’ll pursue legal action.


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## Lostinthought61

LJ,

is she still running her child care services?


----------



## Ljwin

Lostinthought61 said:


> LJ,
> 
> is she still running her child care services?


Unbelievably yes!! She was inspected by oftsted on numerous occasions, they found she had no paper work for the 38 children for two years. They didn’t seem to care that the guy had been there around people’s kids with no police checks. Although from what I understand he’s not there when it’s open anymore, I’d kinda like to know why!

Also from what I understand sleeping with a child’s dad isn’t in the rule book! But she continues to leave her assistant with the children for long periods, longer than officially allowed so it will bite her at some point.


----------



## TDSC60

Ljwin said:


> Before I dealt with social services and the police I would have never thought I could let this happen, I’d be the first there with a baseball bat killing some ****er! But when I confronted them outside my own home at the beginning of all this with no threats or violence *I was arrested and she made up loads of stuff about what I said *and did, thankfully the kids stories and their shouting in the background ‘why you lying mummy’ got me out but it was touch and go. I cannot let myself be taken away from my children. I would love nothing more than to rip his face off but to what end, what will it accomplish? Me being locked up and the kids living without me. Don’t you see this is what they want, they want me to flip and do something and with that I hand them all the power and my children. Social services are now aware and looking in to it. I’ll take advice on whether him garabbing my son is abuse, if so I’ll pursue legal action.


Do you have a VAR? 

If not get one. Everytime, and I mean EVERYTIME, you have a meeting with either of them - take the VAR.

If you have it running you will have audio evidence of the encounter in case they file a false police report.


----------



## Ljwin

TDSC60 said:


> Do you have a VAR?
> 
> If not get one. Everytime, and I mean EVERYTIME, you have a meeting with either of them - take the VAR.
> 
> If you have it running you will have audio evidence of the encounter in case they file a false police report.


I carry two phones with me, when I pick up or drop off I hit record on it just in case. But I haven’t actually seen her since maybe January, she walked my daughter to the door, I just picked my daughter up and closed the door without a word. I think I’ll get one though on the off chance something happens.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Ljwin said:


> Unbelievably yes!! She was inspected by oftsted on numerous occasions, they found she had no paper work for the 38 children for two years. They didn’t seem to care that the guy had been there around people’s kids with no police checks. Although from what I understand he’s not there when it’s open anymore, I’d kinda like to know why!
> 
> Also from what I understand sleeping with a child’s dad isn’t in the rule book! But she continues to leave her assistant with the children for long periods, longer than officially allowed so it will bite her at some point.



I am curious how the serves would feel if child abuse (when she hit her son with a book and the OM touching your son) would change that...in other words, maybe dropping a dime directly to the media as a showcase of improper child care.


----------



## Ljwin

Lostinthought61 said:


> I am curious how the serves would feel if child abuse (when she hit her son with a book and the OM touching your son) would change that...in other words, maybe dropping a dime directly to the media as a showcase of improper child care.


The thing is they’re saying this isn’t abuse. I just feel if I did some of the things she did I would be carted off, just a snippet of a few:

Threw my son out on xmas day after only having him a few hours
Took his phone and smashed it on the floor
Dragged him down the stairs
Back handed him in the face
Threw a model house at him
Hit him on the head with a book
Locked him outside
Smashed up the kitchen in front of him
Threw her phone at him
Told him she didn’t want him
Ripped his Xbox out the wall unit and threw it outside twice!

That’s just a few things! But I never get answers, he’ll soon be 12 and can then make up his own mind where he goes, well pretty much anyway.

Family worker came today and suggested the kids keep a notepad in their backpacks for us to communicate with. Ok erm yeah, so emergency your child is hurt, run to your mums with the notepad son. Just don’t see it!


----------



## Tron

I think the social worker is telling you and the kids to start logging everything privately somewhere so that you have the proof you need to get a custody change when the time comes.

Courts won't generally do that on he said, she said testimony. You need proof she is an unfit parent and the environment is toxic. Written logs of all the bad stuff she and her live-in BF will provide the proof you need.


----------



## Nucking Futs

Ljwin said:


> The thing is they’re saying this isn’t abuse. I just feel if I did some of the things she did I would be carted off, just a snippet of a few:
> 
> Threw my son out on xmas day after only having him a few hours
> Took his phone and smashed it on the floor
> Dragged him down the stairs
> Back handed him in the face
> Threw a model house at him
> Hit him on the head with a book
> Locked him outside
> Smashed up the kitchen in front of him
> Threw her phone at him
> Told him she didn’t want him
> Ripped his Xbox out the wall unit and threw it outside twice!
> 
> That’s just a few things! But I never get answers, he’ll soon be 12 and can then make up his own mind where he goes, well pretty much anyway.
> 
> Family worker came today and suggested the kids keep a notepad in their backpacks for us to communicate with. Ok erm yeah, so emergency your child is hurt, run to your mums with the notepad son. Just don’t see it!


You guys so down on Ljwin need to remember that he's in the UK. Child welfare doesn't seem to be much of a priority there. It appears he's more likely to go to jail for speaking up than they are for the abuse.


----------



## Ljwin

Nucking Futs said:


> You guys so down on Ljwin need to remember that he's in the UK. Child welfare doesn't seem to be much of a priority there. It appears he's more likely to go to jail for speaking up than they are for the abuse.


And that town is the very place where I live!


----------



## ABHale

Ljwin said:


> I doubt it pal, I’ve done my fair share of hurting people in my life, I’m ex army and fought in the Balkins. Now say I go punch his lights out, what then for my kids with me locked up. They’ll get full time crazy instead of 40%! Jog on!


But if you see it you can defend your kids. 

Actually have your son call 911 the next time one of them hit him. Then have him call you and see who gets there first.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Ljwin, why doesn't the 12 year old just move in with you?


----------



## Ljwin

ABHale said:


> But if you see it you can defend your kids.
> 
> Actually have your son call 911 the next time one of them hit him. Then have him call you and see who gets there first.


That’s a fantastic idea!! He’s actually threatened to press the panic alarm before to his mum. She has it as she’s a child care worker. I’ll tell him next time he’s scarred to call 999 (uk 911) and then call me.


----------



## Ljwin

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Ljwin, why doesn't the 12 year old just move in with you?


He’s not 12 yet. I convinced him every time to try again with his mum as I suppose I still held on to the idea she is the same person I knew for 17 years. I’m not under that delusion anymore, next time he runs away I’ll not be talking him into trying again. Both kids have said many times she’s not mummy anymore. I’ve let my feelings for her get in the way too many tines, but now they’re diluted so I’ll be sure to keep him here next time, and there’s always a next time...


----------



## Rubix Cubed

I think you are handling this well in regards to your kids and BSC STBXW. I give you big props for your restraint. I'd probably take matters into my own hands and end up in the clink, really making a mess of it.
Keep on thinking this through. Hopefully, it will get better soon.


----------



## Ljwin

Rubix Cubed said:


> I think you are handling this well in regards to your kids and BSC STBXW. I give you big props for your restraint. I'd probably take matters into my own hands and end up in the clink, really making a mess of it.
> Keep on thinking this through. Hopefully, it will get better soon.


Thanks. It’s been really tough, I’ve never felt such hatred for someone in my life. It’s taken a lot not to go ring his neck, but would be short term gratification really...


----------



## TDSC60

Ljwin said:


> Thanks. It’s been really tough, I’ve never felt such hatred for someone in my life. It’s taken a lot not to go ring his neck, but would be short term gratification really...


I hope you snap out of your "it's all his fault" fantasy.

None of this would have happened if your wife had not wanted it to happen.

Your STBXW is allowing the OM to treat your kids the way he does. 

The woman with OM is not the same person you married. That person is gone. She deserves your contempt just as much as he does.


----------



## Ljwin

TDSC60 said:


> I hope you snap out of your "it's all his fault" fantasy.
> 
> None of this would have happened if your wife had not wanted it to happen.
> 
> Your STBXW is allowing the OM to treat your kids the way he does.
> 
> The woman with OM is not the same person you married. That person is gone. She deserves your contempt just as much as he does.


Oh I’m under no illusions there, of course she wanted it, she opened the door and he walked through it. I walked down the isle with her not him. But still doesn’t stop me wanting to kill the bastard!


----------



## Ljwin

I’m starting to wonder after some reading if I’m the Narc! I’m always the one that initiates contact for the kids and their needs. She never contacts for anything other than trivial things and they’re few and far between. My therapist said that I take care of all the children’s needs and always sort everything out so it’s her way of controlling me as she knows I’ll always do what’s best for the kids. Funnily enough she used to use the kids as a threat if I said I wanted to spend time away on nights instead of her, she would threaten to take the kids and I would give in.


----------



## colingrant

I once read a brilliant quote from someone, not sure where though. It goes like this:

"Never argue with a fool because bystanders can't differentiate the two from one another, therein making you look as foolish as the fool."

Take heed!


----------



## Ljwin

colingrant said:


> I once read a brilliant quote from someone, not sure where though. It goes like this:
> 
> "Never argue with a fool because bystanders can't differentiate the two from one another, therein making you look as foolish as the fool."
> 
> Take heed!


That’s a pretty good quote!


----------



## SentHereForAReason

This thread maddens me every time I read what's going on. To have so much wrong but to be so helpless at the hands of the government and people that are in authority. Just wish some national or big news media could get wind of this sh$$ and run with it and expose the Hell out of it and fry them all in the court of public opinion that it looks so bad their lives would be buried until she just let you have the kids full time. I know it's a pipe dream but damn just thinking of any and every way to blow this up, since you have your hands tied behind your back with a blindfold. Twitter ruins so many people lives for saying the wrong thing or wearing an insensitive shirt, wish it could actually do some good in cases like this!


----------



## Ljwin

stillfightingforus said:


> This thread maddens me every time I read what's going on. To have so much wrong but to be so helpless at the hands of the government and people that are in authority. Just wish some national or big news media could get wind of this sh$$ and run with it and expose the Hell out of it and fry them all in the court of public opinion that it looks so bad their lives would be buried until she just let you have the kids full time. I know it's a pipe dream but damn just thinking of any and every way to blow this up, since you have your hands tied behind your back with a blindfold. Twitter ruins so many people lives for saying the wrong thing or wearing an insensitive shirt, wish it could actually do some good in cases like this!


Yep I wish it would blow up too and everyone knew all about it. I just heard back today and Child Services have said him grabbing my son and her hitting him with a book isn’t severe enough despite the previous issues so they’re leaving it up to Early Help. The family worker spoke to me today, said that she’s just not ready yet and she’s not where I’m at. Not sure what that means really... also said she accepts it’s all her fault and takes responsibility. Not sure if he’s said that to make me feel better cause last time I spoke with her she was having none of that. Apparently it was my fault she moved him in straight away cause I broke down in front of the kids when I found out so they were aware and all the drama on her side is all my fault too cause I’ve poisened them against him. WTF!!


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Ljwin said:


> Yep I wish it would blow up too and everyone knew all about it. I just heard back today and Child Services have said him grabbing my son and her hitting him with a book isn’t severe enough despite the previous issues so they’re leaving it up to Early Help. The family worker spoke to me today, said that she’s just not ready yet and she’s not where I’m at. Not sure what that means really... also said she accepts it’s all her fault and takes responsibility. Not sure if he’s said that to make me feel better cause last time I spoke with her she was having none of that. Apparently it was my fault she moved him in straight away cause I broke down in front of the kids when I found out so they were aware and all the drama on her side is all my fault too cause I’ve poisened them against him. WTF!!


Just keep to the high road sir, I'm praying for you and your kids!


----------



## Ljwin

So I have an ongoing issue in that my STBXW won’t allow me to enter our family home to inventory what’s there to help decide what we split etc. No matter what I say she just says no as I might bug the house again or do something crazy. Now I tend to kinda think I don’t want anything now the AP has been all over it, but my therapist says this is just one more way of her holding power and me being unassertive like usual and that I need to be assertive and just keep demanding it until she gives.

So we’re currently going through mediation to try to sort through things although she sits in a different room. So my options are, just keep going and saying I won’t agree to anything until she gives, it’s actuallt the only thing I’m asking for. Or dump mediation and just go via my solicitor from now on. Or final choice just walk away and get in with my life leaving behind all the belongings I worked so hard for for 17 years....


----------



## Lostinthought61

Ljwin said:


> So I have an ongoing issue in that my STBXW won’t allow me to enter our family home to inventory what’s there to help decide what we split etc. No matter what I say she just says no as I might bug the house again or do something crazy. Now I tend to kinda think I don’t want anything now the AP has been all over it, but my therapist says this is just one more way of her holding power and me being unassertive like usual and that I need to be assertive and just keep demanding it until she gives.
> 
> So we’re currently going through mediation to try to sort through things although she sits in a different room. So my options are, just keep going and saying I won’t agree to anything until she gives, it’s actuallt the only thing I’m asking for. Or dump mediation and just go via my solicitor from now on. Or final choice just walk away and get in with my life leaving behind all the belongings I worked so hard for for 17 years....


option 1 is optimal for her because she can use it to string you along
option 2 is actually your best course because you can use the power of the courts to issue a court order with an office to take an inventory. 
option 3 she can call the police and tell them you are breaking and entering 

as you are aware the OM is couching her.....stop playing her games you tried, now to go nuclear


----------



## Ljwin

Lostinthought61 said:


> option 1 is optimal for her because she can use it to string you along
> option 2 is actually your best course because you can use the power of the courts to issue a court order with an office to take an inventory.
> option 3 she can call the police and tell them you are breaking and entering
> 
> as you are aware the OM is couching her.....stop playing her games you tried, now to go nuclear


Thanks... well in option 3 I meant just let go of it all and walk away and let her kee it all. I’m just so tired of it all now it’s exhausting!


----------



## BarbedFenceRider

As a motto from a bad ass set of men on your side of the pond..."Who dares wins." -SAS motto

You need to not let your self get exhausted. You need to gather your resources and keep fighting. Do NOT let all of your stuff go, while it is just stuff, it's symbolic for everything that you hold dear....Self Esteem, respect, constitution, love and passion as well as drive. Keep option 2 and make her tire herself out...She WILL give in and you can later, thank yourself for all the hard work.

I am soooo sorry, your STBXW is a monster. I will pray for your strength and coming peace in your family. Your a good man, you'll do alright.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Ljwin said:


> Thanks... well in option 3 I meant just let go of it all and walk away and let her keep it all. I’m just so tired of it all now it’s exhausting!



you can walk away but then she and the OM win....and frankly you can also see it through good money after bad, but at some point its more than things, they represent a sense of control...what about the house are you going to let her keep the house as well? at what point do you fight back ?


----------



## Ljwin

BarbedFenceRider said:


> As a motto from a bad ass set of men on your side of the pond..."Who dares wins." -SAS motto
> 
> You need to not let your self get exhausted. You need to gather your resources and keep fighting. Do NOT let all of your stuff go, while it is just stuff, it's symbolic for everything that you hold dear....Self Esteem, respect, constitution, love and passion as well as drive. Keep option 2 and make her tire herself out...She WILL give in and you can later, thank yourself for all the hard work.
> 
> I am soooo sorry, your STBXW is a monster. I will pray for your strength and coming peace in your family. Your a good man, you'll do alright.


Thanks man, think I needed that. It’s like at xmas I asked and asked for one of our 3 xmas trees and decorations for the kids as they were with me. The social worker said I was being petty and it’s £40 for a tree. I didn’t give in and she sent her assistant with the oldest tree and 12 baubles. Didn’t care, got the tree. People said I was being stupid asking for stuff, that tree symbolised everything. Why should I go and buy a tree, I have 3!


----------



## Ljwin

Lostinthought61 said:


> you can walk away but then she and the OM win....and frankly you can also see it through good money after bad, but at some point its more than things, they represent a sense of control...what about the house are you going to let her keep the house as well? at what point do you fight back ?


Yep it’s all about control to her. I’ll take half and drive it directly to the rubbish dump if I have to, it’s the point of the whole thing and what’s right. The house is gone, I’ve no way of getting it back now the guarantor has sided with her, forcing a sale would leave me in debt due to negative equity. Last night my son called me from there saying the study roof is still leaking and broke the internet router. This is the leaking roof that was given as a reason for the affair along with not doing the hedge rows when asked. Issue was she told me her child care assistant hated me so I stayed out the house from morning till night, little did I know at the time it was because she had him over all day. I tried a few times in the dark but couldnt get it done properly. So looks like the AP still hasn’t fixed it either! Meanwhile her assistant brings me shopping when I need it due to my broken leg, so much for hating me!


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Ljwin said:


> Thanks man, think I needed that. It’s like at xmas I asked and asked for one of our 3 xmas trees and decorations for the kids as they were with me. The social worker said I was being petty and it’s £40 for a tree. I didn’t give in and she sent her assistant with the oldest tree and 12 baubles. Didn’t care, got the tree. People said I was being stupid asking for stuff, that tree symbolised everything. Why should I go and buy a tree, I have 3!


It's like the people there are from the twilight zone. The amount of karma you are building up has to be immense even though it may be awhile before it's repaid to you with interest


----------



## BarbedFenceRider

Your ex blames the hedges for her riding another man? WOW! And as for the leaking roof....You need to tell your son, you don't live there anymore. But your NEW place will have internet and a kick ass router! 

Let her have the house. Hell yeah, why would you take on additional debt..Good call.


----------



## Ljwin

BarbedFenceRider said:


> Your ex blames the hedges for her riding another man? WOW! And as for the leaking roof....You need to tell your son, you don't live there anymore. But your NEW place will have internet and a kick ass router!
> 
> Let her have the house. Hell yeah, why would you take on additional debt..Good call.


Yep it all works here lol! And no one knows the router passwords there anyway, it’s a big house and I installed all the repeaters.

On another note, just found out the two nights my kids were with her she took them and made them stay at the APs house against my sons will. Also agreed to my daughter having her friend sleep over only to take them both to his house. At least he isn’t living in my old place anymore so that’s a bonus. On a bit of a kicker my daughter has said she likes going there but doesn’t like him but it doesn’t bother her, sad to think it’s becoming a new normal for her really, but good that she’s not fussed and it’s causing her no stress. My sons a different story, said he begged and screamed and shouted not to go but she just said ‘I don’t care what you want’ and made him go. Mother of the year award there. Looks like the AP isn’t wanting to stay over at hers anymore so she’s no choice but to drag the kids over by the sounds of things. I’ve told my son next time to call me, and I’ll bring him home.

I’m going to go quiete on her for a while and go see my solicitor to see where I stand on bypassing mediation, its mandatory here that you try. I already have a letter stating she was initially uncooperative. She can try and get legal aid but I have two commercial mortgage applications with her signature on from last year disclosing her actual income, so its her choice as to who she answers to for fraud charges, the banks or the inland revenue (tax)!


----------



## Ljwin

Had a bit of a win today...

Family worker came out to see me, seems to understand what I’ve been through. We now have to CC him in on all email communication so he can hold her accountable. He’s also said that despite social services saying they can’t intervene in her having the kids around someone with recently convicted of viewing indecent images of children, he will be advising her strongly to cease contact as the guy plead guilty, and who would plead guilty of such an offence if they were truly innocent, and although she believes he is innocent and it is her right to decide who is around the children, it doesn’t look good for her. Just to be clear this guy isn’t the AP it’s another bloke she takes the kids walking and climbing with. And while I have always liked him, obviously the two year suspended sentence is there for a reason. He’s also said that it’s clear all the drama in the children’s lives is coming from her inability to properly parent them and put them first.

So then my son comes home from school, the child worker went to see him today. He filled out a form about life with me and has to do one for his mum next week. I have a copy of the blank form. Son said I’ve ticked all good for here, I’ll be doing Mums next week, that will all be bad! My daughter I’m sure will try to be equal as she’s pretty emphatic like I am and won’t want to upset me or her mum.

I feel these new people involved are getting a proper picture of how things are and it’s really refreshing as so far being a man I’ve only ever been told to put my big boy pants on and to get used to the new man in her life cause he isn’t going anywhere and the kids will get used to it. The actual words said to me 2 weeks after finding out about the affair and him moving in!

Also, the child worker agrees with my telling my son that if he’s put in a situation he doesn’t like such as being at the APs house then he should call me to be collected.

Now our communication is being monitored I can finally show how much she doesn’t care, she might respond now but actions say everything!


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Ljwin said:


> Had a bit of a win today...
> 
> Family worker came out to see me, seems to understand what I’ve been through. We now have to CC him in on all email communication so he can hold her accountable. He’s also said that despite social services saying they can’t intervene in her having the kids around someone with recently convicted of viewing indecent images of children, he will be advising her strongly to cease contact as the guy plead guilty, and who would plead guilty of such an offence if they were truly innocent, and although she believes he is innocent and it is her right to decide who is around the children, it doesn’t look good for her. Just to be clear this guy isn’t the AP it’s another bloke she takes the kids walking and climbing with. And while I have always liked him, obviously the two year suspended sentence is there for a reason. He’s also said that it’s clear all the drama in the children’s lives is coming from her inability to properly parent them and put them first.
> 
> So then my son comes home from school, the child worker went to see him today. He filled out a form about life with me and has to do one for his mum next week. I have a copy of the blank form. Son said I’ve ticked all good for here, I’ll be doing Mums next week, that will all be bad! My daughter I’m sure will try to be equal as she’s pretty emphatic like I am and won’t want to upset me or her mum.
> 
> I feel these new people involved are getting a proper picture of how things are and it’s really refreshing as so far being a man I’ve only ever been told to put my big boy pants on and to get used to the new man in her life cause he isn’t going anywhere and the kids will get used to it. The actual words said to me 2 weeks after finding out about the affair and him moving in!
> 
> Also, the child worker agrees with my telling my son that if he’s put in a situation he doesn’t like such as being at the APs house then he should call me to be collected.
> 
> Now our communication is being monitored I can finally show how much she doesn’t care, she might respond now but actions say everything!


F'ng Finally! Hopefully she doesn't catch on quick to the strategy here and hangs herself out to dry, with someone with at least half a brain monitoring now.


----------



## Ljwin

stillfightingforus said:


> F'ng Finally! Hopefully she doesn't catch on quick to the strategy here and hangs herself out to dry, with someone with at least half a brain monitoring now.


Yep don’t think she will. It was last week he saw her, so she knows it’s gonna happen, and yet since then she’s had my kids around a convicted peadophile, forced her son to stay at the APs house against his will, told him she doesn’t care what he wants and taken my daughters friend to stay there who was supposed to be at her house for a sleepover. I’ll give it two weeks before I’ve got something to email her about as a concern, no point raising these as I’ve already raised them with the family worker.

The guy said to me today ‘I’ve read your deleted Facebook post by the way, it’s on record now as she copied it. It’s not that bad really, doesn’t sound crazy, sounds like a broken man, not a crazy man’. He then said his wife’s ex left for another women, and that the betrayal has never left her. He also said you need to realise it will always be your fault to justify her actions, but you need to realise you’ve done nothing wrong and move forward. He said he’s here for me and his partner is here for the children and they’ll ensure everyone is treat fairly and held accountable for the children’s best interests. He said to remember that the AP will be coaching her and influencing everything she does, so it’s not always necessarily her saying/doing things and to be mindful of that.

Funnily enough I think she knows it’s not gonna work out with the AP and is lining the kiddy fiddler up as a plan B, well that’s not gonna work as he’s not allowed unsupervised contact with under 18s, courts would have them in my full custody in hours. Especially with the family workers report and the kids feedback of feeling uncared for. She seems to think she is hurting me with her actions, every time I ask for the kids to be put first she moves in the opposite direction. It’s only herself that she’s hurting in the end...


----------



## Ljwin

You know I spend so much time thinking about the kids that sometimes everything just hits me like a truck what’s happened.

For anyone that’s been through this, when does the pain stop?


----------



## Ljwin

Well the wins keep coming thick and fast.

Finally got out to work as my legs healing up, only to get a call from my son, she threw him out early morning so he ran to my house and broke in through a window. Long story short his school called her and demanded she go collect her son and bring him to school, she didn’t even know where he was. He refused to go with her and social worker got called, he said he just wants his dad. I left the meeting and went home in a taxi, gave him a hug and took him to school. Social workers came to see me, they’ve put a protection agreement in place that their Mum must sign and abide by, it includes assuring the children’s safety around the AP, not allowing her anger to become too dangerous, acknowledging they have advised not having the kids around the pedo, not taking the kids to AP’s house against their will and she has to do a 4 step parenting course and evidence her ability to spend 1 on 1 time with them.

They had a bit in there about me helping her parent, I said no, that’s not my job anymore, as far as I’m concerned I’m their parent and she is an inconvenience. I believe the children need their Mum just as much as they need me, but it’s up to her to be a good parent.

So next win for me is a major one. I’ve got a new lawyer, she’s said I owe her nothing and she will ensure I get a clean break, she starts proceedings end of the month and she can bypass the mediation process with no problems. She’s building a case about her abuse of the children should I need an emergency protection order.

I’ve got a new housekeeper and I’m finding an emergency child care worker should I need someone to sit with the kids if they run away to mine again. 

From now on I’m only communicating via my solicitor and the social workers.

I went through every email I sent to her since this all began, I was nothing but civil and always focused on making life better for the kids. I tried everything to be amicable about the house, our belongings and finances. She has resisted it all along and made everyone’s life hell. Now her karma is in full swing, she’ll be left with her full debts. And to think all she had to do was sit in the same room as me in mediation and it would have been sorted out. One more piece of crappy advice he likely gave her!


----------



## arbitrator

Ljwin said:


> Hi all, new to the forums. Long story but I’ll try to keep it short.
> 
> My W told me back in September she wanted to separate, we tried for 3 weeks to make some changes but then she told me again, one of us had to move out. I offered as its our family home and she runs her child care business from the house. She blamed me for everything, said I was controlling and always snooping on her etc. I was snooping because I suspected an affair with one of the dads she minds for. Back in January we had an argument about him, the next week I came home to bring her coffee and cake and they were in my kitche; very close to each other. She had convinced me I was crazy so I just walked out. The next day she tells me she loves me but not in love with me. We tried working on things throughout the year.
> 
> Anyhow, so fast forward to now, I bugged the house before I left, I found out they had conspired to get me to leave so they could turn the whole house in to a nursery and find another place. He has left his pregnant wife who just 3 days later kept her 2.5 yr old in her care. Apparently my w says “we’re dealing with it like adults, like normal people”. So she said she fell in love with him in January, but it only got physical after we separated. Yeah right I know!! I couldn’t understand why she was being so mean to me during the separation, she cried constantly. She said she couldn’t stay in the house while I was there, so she would stay in a hotel every night then come back in the morning to do her 12 hr shift in her business.
> 
> I’ve now moved out and it’s all in the open, her family know about it, her and her sisters are not talking, she’s blocked them all on Facebook. I have the kids most of the time when I’m not away working. My neighbours told me when I used to leave for work on a morning his car would pull in straight away. I learned that while his wife was paying my W to care for their kid, she had her assistant cover and she would go to his house and sleep with him there.
> 
> I knew 2 years ago when I first met him what he wanted, I warmed her time and time again but she said I was being controlling and possessive. *He’s convinced her I’m a control freak and don’t love her, that I’m just obsessed.* Yeah right, we met at 16 and are now 34, for me that was long term love.
> 
> So he is 14 years older than her, he has an ex wife and older daughter and now his current wife.
> 
> I’ve cut off all contact except via email to arrange for the children. I’ve written a few letters but each time I find the strength to put them in a draw instead of sending them. She has him around my kids despite agreeing not too. I’m about to arrange mediation and a separation agreement pending divorce. I honestly don’t know if I would take her back if the chance arose, but one thing I am certain of, is that this guy should not be around my kids, he’s a manipulative a$$hole, I can see him for what he is from a mile away. I’ve always had great intuition, but over the years my wife made me think I was crazy, but I was right about absolutely everything in great detail so it’s back on point now. They can’t even figure out how I knew so much, it was mearly smart thinking and going with my hunches, the bug just confirmed everything I already had written down.
> 
> So while I’m flitting back between hating her and wondering what if, what is my best chance to end the affair to being her out of her fog so there can at least be some type of R for the kids?


*Want to know who the real control freak is?

It's her boyfriend, as I'd say that he's greatly in control of her vagina as well as her other associated ecoutrements!

Let her move out and turn BF's abode into a daycare center and see how she likes it!

You are her meal ticket and she knows it! Get to a good lawyers office and start ending this mess!*


----------



## Ljwin

Quick update...

So I’m not entirely sure what’s happened, but focusing on the affair itself and her treatment of me, betraying me, abandoning me, trying to get me locked up, stealing everything and all of that. Something has just clicked inside me, the rage and anger is gone, and so is any remnant of love I still had for her, it’s bizarre! I still get the odd pang every now and then but for the most part I just feel apathy for her and the whole thing. I actually kinda feel sorry for her in a way as this might sound a little crazy but I think I got the better end of the deal here, I actually get a second chance at my life and I’m only 35, the whole thing made me drop a lot of weight and I look good again with no issue chatting to women, I’ve got a great job, great friends and the future is wide open!

The kids are doing better every day, they’ve stood up to her this weekend and said they refuse to move in with the AP on her days and if she tries they won’t be going to see her anymore. Apparently she asked again why they don’t like him, they said we just don’t and didn’t want to discuss it anymore, but the funny thing is I think the kids now feel empowered because they seem to have seen right through her where it took me 17 years and so she has no control over them, all the crying and begging them and everything else every time she’s hurt them has reduced the value of those tears.

I’m still hurting of course, but I spend more time thinking about work, the kids and planning things to do than I do about the A. My therapy sessions have taught me about boundaries and what proper relationships should look like in all contexts, I work on myself every day and it’s paying off.

My divorce should be final before the year is out, I’m looking forward to it being complete, not happy that this happened but I’m greatful I got to see the real her, and know it’s gonna be fun being free!


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Ljwin said:


> Quick update...
> 
> So I’m not entirely sure what’s happened, but focusing on the affair itself and her treatment of me, betraying me, abandoning me, trying to get me locked up, stealing everything and all of that. Something has just clicked inside me, the rage and anger is gone, and so is any remnant of love I still had for her, it’s bizarre! I still get the odd pang every now and then but for the most part I just feel apathy for her and the whole thing. I actually kinda feel sorry for her in a way as this might sound a little crazy but I think I got the better end of the deal here, I actually get a second chance at my life and I’m only 35, the whole thing made me drop a lot of weight and I look good again with no issue chatting to women, I’ve got a great job, great friends and the future is wide open!
> 
> The kids are doing better every day, they’ve stood up to her this weekend and said they refuse to move in with the AP on her days and if she tries they won’t be going to see her anymore. Apparently she asked again why they don’t like him, they said we just don’t and didn’t want to discuss it anymore, but the funny thing is I think the kids now feel empowered because they seem to have seen right through her where it took me 17 years and so she has no control over them, all the crying and begging them and everything else every time she’s hurt them has reduced the value of those tears.
> 
> I’m still hurting of course, but I spend more time thinking about work, the kids and planning things to do than I do about the A. My therapy sessions have taught me about boundaries and what proper relationships should look like in all contexts, I work on myself every day and it’s paying off.
> 
> My divorce should be final before the year is out, I’m looking forward to it being complete, not happy that this happened but I’m greatful I got to see the real her, and know it’s gonna be fun being free!


Good to hear buddy! My true path to success is without anger as well because that's not me. I have forgiven her in my heart and soul (for her affair and pursuit of O(married)M) but use the things she said to me over the past year as motivation to kick a$$. I am finding more peace but like you said with the hurt still there from time to time. Divorce will be final within a month now and she will be off to her new house before that. Just concentrating on how I can best raise my kids with the 50% that I will have them for now. I close on the refinance for (used to be our) MY house this Friday, so it feels like a small win for the kids and I.


----------



## Ljwin

stillfightingforus said:


> Good to hear buddy! My true path to success is without anger as well because that's not me. I have forgiven her in my heart and soul (for her affair and pursuit of O(married)M) but use the things she said to me over the past year as motivation to kick a$$. I am finding more peace but like you said with the hurt still there from time to time. Divorce will be final within a month now and she will be off to her new house before that. Just concentrating on how I can best raise my kids with the 50% that I will have them for now. I close on the refinance for (used to be our) MY house this Friday, so it feels like a small win for the kids and I.


Awesome!! I agree that having anger and hate is not who we are, the betrayed rarely are the angry and hateful ones when in the R it would seem. I read a lot forums and article comments over the last 6 months, and one thing that’s stood out is the hate that people have for their ex’s, and of course they are right to have such hate, but I found myself using the hate to cover up the fact I still loved her and so it made it hard to actually begin moving forward. Once I let it go, I realised that I ‘loved’ her and I was ‘in love’ with the women I thought I knew, but she isn’t that person anymore if she ever actually was I don’t know. I also don’t want to fall in to what seems to be the same routine as diagnosing our cheaters as BPD or Narcs, they might very well be those things, but how does that help me move forward in my life. F*ck who she is and why it happened and hoping it all blows up in their faces, frankly I hope they endure until the divorce is final, I’m free and she can take off in to the sunset with the old man, looking after his kids on an evening while he’s out chasing young girls. That has to be one of the funniest things, she doesn’t even get to experience the freedom of having time off from your kids, cause she had his all the time and he’s ankther due soon from his wife lol.

No waiting for karma bus for me, they literally stopped it and got on it!!


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## Ljwin

Something that baffles me, my kids have said I’d they ever talk about memories that involve me or talk about their time with me, their Mum goes crazy and tells them to shut up!

When my kids come home they often talk about time with their Mum and even the AP, I just sit and listen and say hmm that’s nice. Memories while obviously evoke hurt in me I would never take these away from the children. So it leaves me wondering, she had the affair yet why so much hate for me, why isn’t she deleriously happy and confident with the AP, surely she should be in a similar place to me, apathy really...


----------



## Marc878

You have to be the hated one to justify herself.

Pretty typical cheater script.

You're wasting your time trying to figure it out.


----------



## TDSC60

Ljwin said:


> Something that baffles me, my kids have said I’d they ever talk about memories that involve me or talk about their time with me, their Mum goes crazy and tells them to shut up!
> 
> When my kids come home they often talk about time with their Mum and even the AP, I just sit and listen and say hmm that’s nice. Memories while obviously evoke hurt in me I would never take these away from the children. So it leaves me wondering, she had the affair yet why so much hate for me, why isn’t she deleriously happy and confident with the AP, surely she should be in a similar place to me, apathy really...


You seem to forget.....It's all your fault.

The break down of the marriage is your fault.
The affair is your fault.
The kids not liking the AP is your fault.
Everything bad that has happened to her since she was born is your fault.

She has to hate and blame someone and it cannot be herself. So guess who gets elected as the perpetual bad guy?


----------



## Taxman

Ljwin said:


> Something that baffles me, my kids have said I’d they ever talk about memories that involve me or talk about their time with me, their Mum goes crazy and tells them to shut up!
> 
> she had the affair yet why so much hate for me, why isn’t she deleriously happy and confident with the AP, surely she should be in a similar place to me, apathy really...


Simple really, she has made her bed and now she has to lie in it. My bet is the pedophile's charms have now waned, however she has planted her flag, and will live with it, until she doesn't. She knows what she has done, and she knows that there is no future in this one. She threw all of that away for a roll in the hay, which I bet wasn't so great. There is a subset of women that once they do something, they do not want to look stupid for doing so, then they keep on doing it. The pedophile will overstep one day, she will walk in and find him banging a 12 year old, or the family dog, and realize what she has ****ed up beyond all recognition. She is too wilful and prideful to admit it. Now its all gone. And it is her fault. And she is just saving face. Until.......


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## Lostinthought61

That is an easy one....mentioning memories about you invokes guilt that she would rather suppress.


----------



## VibrantWings

Ljwin said:


> Something that baffles me, my kids have said I’d they ever talk about memories that involve me or talk about their time with me, their Mum goes crazy and tells them to shut up!
> 
> When my kids come home they often talk about time with their Mum and even the AP, I just sit and listen and say hmm that’s nice. Memories while obviously evoke hurt in me I would never take these away from the children. So it leaves me wondering, she had the affair yet why so much hate for me, why isn’t she deleriously happy and confident with the AP, surely she should be in a similar place to me, apathy really...


The children mentioning a past time could make the other guy jealous. Perhaps he beats her ass?

That being said, it does sound like sour grapes. Her life didn't change for the better as desired. 

Just keep trying to be a good daddy. Your kids are going to remember her bull**** when they grow up.


----------



## bandit.45

Ljwin you have reached the state of DGAF....don't give a f*#k...

That's a good place to be. Now she can no longer hurt you emotionally. Now she will try to hurt you through the children.


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## SentHereForAReason

bandit.45 said:


> Ljwin you have reached the state of DGAF....don't give a f*#k...
> 
> That's a good place to be. Now she can no longer hurt you emotionally. *Now she will try to hurt you through the children*.


And you cannot get any lower than that as a living species in my book.


----------



## TDSC60

bandit.45 said:


> Ljwin you have reached the state of DGAF....don't give a f*#k...
> 
> That's a good place to be. Now she can no longer hurt you emotionally. Now she will try to hurt you through the children.


Bandit is right on the money here. Once she realizes that you have lost feelings for her, she will try to hurt you using the children.

Be prepared for anything. Even suddenly becoming Mom-of-the-year so she can trick the court into awarding her something that she knows will hurt you either emotionally or financially.


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## Ljwin

Thanks for the feedback guys and so true! She’s now using the kids. She has been implicitly asked by child services not to communicate through the kids. I had to email her Sunday to make some changes to Wednesday schedule as I’m out of town and don’t want the kids stranded, no reply. So I call my son and said out Mum in, nope she refuses. So he asks her if she can have them until zinger back and drop them at their activities, she says yeah. So I email her and cc in child services as I always do at my request so they can witness the no responses. I say we really need to not communicate through the kids. She emails back and actually lies with child services ccd in saying she spoke to my son on the phone when he was in the same room as me and that I knew what was happening! Well I fired one back saying sorry but that didn’t happen, and I can prove it as I pay their phone bills, and still we’re not supposed to communicate through the children. I followed up with an email to say ‘I can fix this issue, from now on I’ll email and presume it’s a yes unless I get a response, because quite frankly it’s tiring and I dont need the drama’. I mean it’s not like she gets many from me, been a month since the last one and it simply had the schedule attached with no actual message. Oh and one advising of my sons bullying at school due to her affair and that I was dealing with it, but it was just a statement and didn’t need a response, of which there wasn’t one anyway...

This is the last piece of the puzzle for me, my life is going pretty well as is the kids when they’re home with me. I’ve accepted that I cannot influence her behaviour when they’re with her and the authorities are working with her on that. Simple responses for the children’s needs should be forefront of her mind. 

Well next week she recieves the adultery papers to sign, let’s see how she handles that haha!


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## Ljwin

And the karma keeps coming!!

So her assistant, the one she treat like a slave and actually did all the work in her nursery while she was out having her affair, has quit with no notice. She lined up a job and just left. As a result my stbxw tried to replace her, but she failed to see that while she had her assistant doing all the school runs she was telling everyone who she is and what she’s done to me and the kids, lo and behold, no one wants to work for her! She’s had to let half the children go. I can imagine her now, middle of the day, screaming baby’s all around and no one there to dump them on while she takes off. So who’s her new assistant on those times she really needs one! The AP! 

More karma... my son told me her AP keeps taking the iPhone charger in to his room, so my son says why you taking the charger you’ve got an android? I just need it he says! Hmm I wonder why, second phone maybe!?

And a little more.... my son says to his mum, you’re not telling me there’s just you, his wife and his ex-wife, to which my stbxw replies, no there’s been 6 of us! Haha oh dear! She’s still bursting in to tears at the slightest things too!

She will now have to do the school runs and face all the people in the play ground four times per day! I’ve done it every day and had the looks and the whispers when I collect my daughter from school!


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## TDSC60

Stay your course and maintain NC except for the kids.


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## bandit.45

Thanks for the update, but try not to delve too much into her life except insofar as it pertains to your children. 

She is reaping what she sowed. That is good. Maybe she will learn from this experience,


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## Ljwin

So, I was on my way out on a date last night when the AP drive past me. I laughed because he’s just old! She was in her car right behind him, still don’t know why they have to drive past my house, plenty of other ways to go. She looked away pretending she hadn’t seen me...

Anyway I’m the middle of the date while she went to the ladies room I checked my phone to make sure the kids were ok at their activities. She emailed me saying my stuffs boxed up in the garage and will take an hour to unload. I left it till the next morning and emailed to say I would arrange a van and my friends and we would try and collect at the weekend. She replied straight away saying I’m not allowed on her premises or my friends. Said she’ll have it dropped off. I replied and said that’s fine but I need assurances that it will not be the AP or anyone associated to him and asked for a few things for the kids and what I didn’t want. Also asked if they were actually going to unload because my leg is still healing. I got a reply ‘it will be between 4-6 tomorow’ So I’m now sitting here worrying who is turning up! I will never understand how someone who purported to love me for 17 years, do all she has done to me and the kids can continue to be so mean and treat me as though I’m the arsehole!?!


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## SentHereForAReason

Ljwin said:


> So, I was on my way out on a date last night when the AP drive past me. I laughed because he’s just old! She was in her car right behind him, still don’t know why they have to drive past my house, plenty of other ways to go. She looked away pretending she hadn’t seen me...
> 
> Anyway I’m the middle of the date while she went to the ladies room I checked my phone to make sure the kids were ok at their activities. She emailed me saying my stuffs boxed up in the garage and will take an hour to unload. I left it till the next morning and emailed to say I would arrange a van and my friends and we would try and collect at the weekend. She replied straight away saying I’m not allowed on her premises or my friends. Said she’ll have it dropped off. I replied and said that’s fine but I need assurances that it will not be the AP or anyone associated to him and asked for a few things for the kids and what I didn’t want. Also asked if they were actually going to unload because my leg is still healing. I got a reply ‘it will be between 4-6 tomorow’ So I’m now sitting here worrying who is turning up! *I will never understand how someone who purported to love me for 17 years, do all she has done to me and the kids can continue to be so mean and treat me as though I’m the arsehole!?!*


It defies logic from the sense of just what you said but it's even doubly as head scratching when it's coming from the person that actually caused all of this. Logic would think that the person betrayed be mean. And in my case, triple the head scratching because of her affiliation with morals and our church. 

All I can say is that their brains don't function in anyway we can understand. We are the enemy to their happiness and it's our fault they were forced to make the decisions they made. Will never understand it but I now understand it's normal for the W(ex)W's act like this.


----------



## TDSC60

Ljwin said:


> So, I was on my way out on a date last night when the AP drive past me. I laughed because he’s just old! She was in her car right behind him, still don’t know why they have to drive past my house, plenty of other ways to go. She looked away pretending she hadn’t seen me...
> 
> Anyway I’m the middle of the date while she went to the ladies room I checked my phone to make sure the kids were ok at their activities. She emailed me saying my stuffs boxed up in the garage and will take an hour to unload. I left it till the next morning and emailed to say I would arrange a van and my friends and we would try and collect at the weekend. She replied straight away saying *I’m not allowed on her premises or my friends.* Said she’ll have it dropped off. I replied and said that’s fine but I need assurances that it will not be the AP or anyone associated to him and asked for a few things for the kids and what I didn’t want. Also asked if they were actually going to unload because my leg is still healing. I got a reply ‘it will be between 4-6 tomorow’ So I’m now sitting here worrying who is turning up! *I will never understand how someone who purported to love me for 17 years, do all she has done to me and the kids can continue to be so mean and treat me as though I’m the arsehole!?!*


Is it her premises now? Or are you still legally ties to the home?

Stop trying to understand crazy and evil. It is a waste of your time. A good man who never cheated will NEVER understand how a cheater can do the things they do.


----------



## Ljwin

TDSC60 said:


> Is it her premises now? Or are you still legally ties to the home?
> 
> Stop trying to understand crazy and evil. It is a waste of your time. A good man who never cheated will NEVER understand how a cheater can do the things they do.


Well I guess it’s hers now... 

I suppose deep down I just want her to be who she was, or perhaps never was really. Her social worker said she seems to think I’ve done something to her, or has been convinced I’ve done something to her by someone else. I just don’t get it. I mean, sure I made plenty of mistakes, who doesn’t but nothing marriage ending. And if that were true, then why has she turned up crying a couple of times or calling me for help with the kids and saying thank you and whispering I love you on the phone. As far as I can see, she’s ****ed up and knows it, her life is pretty bad now and she’s angry at me because she’s got no way back. Maybe that just makes me feel better I don’t know. Her social worker seems to think she’ll sign the papers when she gets them as she just wants to move forward. But my version of moving forward is being cordial in emails and trying to do what’s right by everyone, hers is to send short confusing emails that make no sense and seem to be written to upset me. Who knows what goes on in her mind! Maybe she’s as happy as Larry and just couldn’t give a crap lol!


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## SentHereForAReason

Ljwin said:


> Well I guess it’s hers now...
> 
> I suppose deep down I just want her to be who she was, or perhaps never was really. Her social worker said she seems to think I’ve done something to her, or has been convinced I’ve done something to her by someone else. I just don’t get it. I mean, sure I made plenty of mistakes, who doesn’t but nothing marriage ending. And if that were true, then why has she turned up crying a couple of times or calling me for help with the kids and saying thank you and whispering I love you on the phone. As far as I can see, she’s ****ed up and knows it, her life is pretty bad now and she’s angry at me because she’s got no way back. Maybe that just makes me feel better I don’t know. Her social worker seems to think she’ll sign the papers when she gets them as she just wants to move forward. But my version of moving forward is being cordial in emails and trying to do what’s right by everyone, hers is to send short confusing emails that make no sense and seem to be written to upset me. Who knows what goes on in her mind! Maybe she’s as happy as Larry and just couldn’t give a crap lol!


Sheesh, sounds like a social worker with a vendetta or has no ability to see the whole picture and only believing what she is told.


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## bandit.45

The social worker is being lied to. 

That is why you need to document the f*ck out of everything you do regarding the kids and WW.


----------



## TDSC60

Ljwin said:


> *Well I guess it’s hers now... *
> 
> I suppose deep down I just want her to be who she was, or perhaps never was really. Her social worker said she seems to think I’ve done something to her, or has been convinced I’ve done something to her by someone else. I just don’t get it. I mean, sure I made plenty of mistakes, who doesn’t but nothing marriage ending. And if that were true, then why has she turned up crying a couple of times or calling me for help with the kids and saying thank you and whispering I love you on the phone. As far as I can see, she’s ****ed up and knows it, her life is pretty bad now and she’s angry at me because she’s got no way back. Maybe that just makes me feel better I don’t know. Her social worker seems to think she’ll sign the papers when she gets them as she just wants to move forward. But my version of moving forward is being cordial in emails and trying to do what’s right by everyone, hers is to send short confusing emails that make no sense and seem to be written to upset me. Who knows what goes on in her mind! Maybe she’s as happy as Larry and just couldn’t give a crap lol!


You guess????? Do you not know if you are legally still tied to the house?

You need to work on detaching a lot more. Just accept you will never understand why she does things nor the way she is acting and move on. It is not healthy for you to spend time wondering why. I simplify for you...she does the things she does and acts the way she does because SHE WANTS TO. And does not care who gets hurt as a result.


----------



## Ljwin

TDSC60 said:


> You guess????? Do you not know if you are legally still tied to the house?
> 
> You need to work on detaching a lot more. Just accept you will never understand why she does things nor the way she is acting and move on. It is not healthy for you to spend time wondering why. I simplify for you...she does the things she does and acts the way she does because SHE WANTS TO. And does not care who gets hurt as a result.


No I’m not legally tied to it anymore.

Yeah I do, it goes in waves. I’ll be fine for a while then it just gets too much. I’m over the affair now but yes the wondering why is the problem. I know I’ll never figure it out or get any answers.


----------



## arobk

Ljwin 

Hey Ljwin you may have ****ed up a few times, but you are moving in the right direction. You are going through something that is painful as well as you can. Keep listening to the good people on this site and you get through it.


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## Ljwin

Well I got home yesterday for 4pm, there was a van and two guys in my driveway. They got out the van and I asked if they knew the people they collected the stuff from. Both guys turned to me and said “if that bloke carries on we’re gonna smack him” I asked what happened, they said he’s a proper cocky fu**er and who’s the women, I told them it was my wife, they said well she does as she’s told doesn’t she. They said we’re honest working guys trying to run a business, we’re not best to be insulted.

I told them what happened as I was helping move some lighter stuff. 

Anyway, she sent the things I specifically told her I did not want plus a whole other bunch of stuff I’ve never even seen before. They went back for the second trip and came back. She asked how I was, they said yep nice bloke but he wasn’t happy about the dining table, she put her head down and didn’t say anything.

It’s kind of poetic that she tells everyone I was controlling and not a nice guy and she ended up having an A with someone who is controlling and genuinely liked by no one, turned all her friends and family against her, is costing her everything and all she can do is sit by and watch it happen.

I also found out this week that when he grabbed my son on mother’s day she asked him to leave and he wouldn’t, hence why she text me to take my son away. When she called me a few days later to explain what happened, I asked why didn’t you tell him to leave, why your son on Mother’s Day, she didn’t answer...


----------



## Ljwin

On a major plus note, my kids have agreed to move out of the villiage. It won’t be far away but I can’t live here anymore, it doesn’t help with healing. I’m completely fine when I’m not here. My old house is on a hill and you can see it from pretty much everywhere I go! I’ve never wanted that leaning chimney to collapse so much in my life 😂


----------



## Ljwin

I’m now truly lost and need some solid advice from people that have been in a similar situation!

I emailed the schedule over for the month, it was a little late as I’ve been snowed under with work and kids. I explained I’d be collecting them Saturday night for Father’s Day and there would be a day swap the following week.

Got a ****ty email back saying she won’t be told when she can and cannot have her children and needs to be asked. Said she’ll drop the kids at 4pm on fathers day.

I replied and said I understood, but she never replied in the past and so I just set the schedule but she’s always been free to say there’s an issue. I explained that she knows I have no family left as they’ve all passed and as it’s the first year in a broken home the kids should wake up with me.

First I get an email saying her email has changed to ‘childcare at something or other’

Then I get a long winded email which she clearly did not write:

“Next week and from now on, I would like to be asked if it is ok for me to have them extra on your days.
You will need to arrange someone suitable to have the children, without presuming that I can do it. You can ask if I would like the children, without prejudice, because obviously I would prefer the children to be with me when you can't have them, but that is not always possible. If I cannot have the children, that is not to be used against me, just because you haven't been able to rearrange your work life. The kids are not to be told anything negative if I cannot have them.

These are logical steps forward in parallel parenting. I am not co-parenting.

Trying to swap Saturday night through to Monday morning for school nights when they are at parkour is completely incomparable.
I will not be swapping days. There will be little or no flexibility in the schedule, except for holidays. The children will then feel stable in their weekly routine and everything runs smoothly.

If you continue to struggle with work commitments then you may have to consider letting go of your 50/50 split and I can have the children extra during the week. This will involve remuneration for my additional costs.”

Now yes it’s straight forward, but a couple of things. I’m the one that said I won’t co-parent and will only parralel parent. Also, it’s not 50/50, it’s 60/40 to me. Also, she talks about stability yet she continues to force them to stay at the APs house, shouts and screams at them and allows him to dictate everything that happens.

I’ve spoken to the kids, they said they wanted to be here when I wake up to make me breakfast, but she’s planned all these things to do with them over the weekend. Why would someone want to continue to hurt me even though it’s the children that are affected!?

My issue now is what do I do? Do I walk away, take the high road and just let all their crap flow over me. Or do I start screwing then over like they have me. Destroy their businesses via legal routes. I could take her to court and be awarded full custody but that’s going to hurt the kids. Then I need to question why am I doing it. Is it revenge and bitterness. Everyone keep telling me I’ve met them bully me this whole time, I’ve let them walk all over me and take everything from me. Yes I guess I have, but the more I fight the more it feeds their narassism. I’m truly lost!


----------



## Kamstel

Go nuclear!!!


----------



## manfromlamancha

Agreed - it will be better for your children in the long run. She is clearly not good for them - screw them both to kingdom come!


----------



## Lostinthought61

Ljwin said:


> I’m now truly lost and need some solid advice from people that have been in a similar situation!
> 
> I emailed the schedule over for the month, it was a little late as I’ve been snowed under with work and kids. I explained I’d be collecting them Saturday night for Father’s Day and there would be a day swap the following week.
> 
> Got a ****ty email back saying she won’t be told when she can and cannot have her children and needs to be asked. Said she’ll drop the kids at 4pm on fathers day.
> 
> I replied and said I understood, but she never replied in the past and so I just set the schedule but she’s always been free to say there’s an issue. I explained that she knows I have no family left as they’ve all passed and as it’s the first year in a broken home the kids should wake up with me.
> 
> First I get an email saying her email has changed to ‘childcare at something or other’
> 
> Then I get a long winded email which she clearly did not write:
> 
> “Next week and from now on, I would like to be asked if it is ok for me to have them extra on your days.
> You will need to arrange someone suitable to have the children, without presuming that I can do it. You can ask if I would like the children, without prejudice, because obviously I would prefer the children to be with me when you can't have them, but that is not always possible. If I cannot have the children, that is not to be used against me, just because you haven't been able to rearrange your work life. The kids are not to be told anything negative if I cannot have them.
> 
> These are logical steps forward in parallel parenting. I am not co-parenting.
> 
> Trying to swap Saturday night through to Monday morning for school nights when they are at parkour is completely incomparable.
> I will not be swapping days. There will be little or no flexibility in the schedule, except for holidays. The children will then feel stable in their weekly routine and everything runs smoothly.
> 
> If you continue to struggle with work commitments then you may have to consider letting go of your 50/50 split and I can have the children extra during the week. This will involve remuneration for my additional costs.”
> 
> Now yes it’s straight forward, but a couple of things. I’m the one that said I won’t co-parent and will only parralel parent. Also, it’s not 50/50, it’s 60/40 to me. Also, she talks about stability yet she continues to force them to stay at the APs house, shouts and screams at them and allows him to dictate everything that happens.
> 
> I’ve spoken to the kids, they said they wanted to be here when I wake up to make me breakfast, but she’s planned all these things to do with them over the weekend. Why would someone want to continue to hurt me even though it’s the children that are affected!?
> 
> My issue now is what do I do? Do I walk away, take the high road and just let all their crap flow over me. Or do I start screwing then over like they have me. Destroy their businesses via legal routes. I could take her to court and be awarded full custody but that’s going to hurt the kids. Then I need to question why am I doing it. Is it revenge and bitterness. Everyone keep telling me I’ve met them bully me this whole time, I’ve let them walk all over me and take everything from me. Yes I guess I have, but the more I fight the more it feeds their narassism. I’m truly lost!



How many many times have you come here and told us how they screw you over, and we tell you to go nuclear and you take the high road, LJ enough is enough your getting nose bleed from your high road approach...time to grow some balls and push back.


----------



## jlg07

" I could take her to court and be awarded full custody but that’s going to hurt the kids."
From what you said just a few lines above:
"she talks about stability yet she continues to force them to stay at the APs house, shouts and screams at them and allows him to dictate everything that happens."

So HOW exactly YOU getting full custody would hurt them? From the sounds of it, allowing them to be within 100 feet of her DOES hurt them NOW.

I think you need to do everything within your power to safe-guard your children from this horrific person. You need to get at them with EVERYTHING you can -- business, old home, whatever. This is not revenge -- YOU need to get 100% of ALL $$$ you can to provide for YOUR KIDS. SHE is the one who caused this, SHE is the one who deserves to pay for it.


----------



## turnera

No, you could take her to court and be awarded full custody and THEN you could ALLOW her as many days as she wants, unless it contradicts what you know is good for the kids. That will HELP the kids. Allowing her to treat them poorly, force them to be with AP and withhold them from you is what will hurt them. Time to find a pair.


----------



## Marc878

The weak get walked on.


----------



## Ljwin

Thanks for all the comments!

She should receive the admission form for her adultery today, she has 14 days at which point we go for unreasonable behaviour which doesn’t require her concent.

I’ve removed the financial settlement offer, won’t be offering that anymore.

My lawyer has reiterated I set the schedule.

It’s the beginnings of going to court.

My son is with me full time again at the moment. She hit him with the car door (reported to authorities by me and his school). Law in this country is if there’s no mark, there’s nothing they can do.

While my son was with me, she cried and begged my daughter to go to the APs house on a school night. It’s nearly summer break, st which point I fully expect at least my son to walk for good. I’m sure my daughter won’t be far behind.

We’re building a case for a protection order to give me temporary full custody. Will see what happens...


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Ljwin said:


> Thanks for all the comments!
> 
> She should receive the admission form for her adultery today, she has 14 days at which point we go for unreasonable behaviour which doesn’t require her concent.
> 
> I’ve removed the financial settlement offer, won’t be offering that anymore.
> 
> My lawyer has reiterated I set the schedule.
> 
> It’s the beginnings of going to court.
> 
> My son is with me full time again at the moment. She hit him with the car door (reported to authorities by me and his school). Law in this country is if there’s no mark, there’s nothing they can do.
> 
> While my son was with me, she cried and begged my daughter to go to the APs house on a school night. It’s nearly summer break, st which point I fully expect at least my son to walk for good. I’m sure my daughter won’t be far behind.
> 
> We’re building a case for a protection order to give me temporary full custody. Will see what happens...


Thanks for the update LJ, will keep praying the kiddos will get more and more time with you.


----------



## Ljwin

stillfightingforus said:


> Thanks for the update LJ, will keep praying the kiddos will get more and more time with you.


Thanks mate!

I think one of the issues for us as the BS is that even with all the advice offered on these boards, which I was given right from the start. I never ever believed my stbxw could be so cold and nasty! When I proved the A and she admitted it, I thought she would do all she could to make sure firstly the kids were OK. And do as much as she could to try and explain and make it as easy for me as possible.

Even until recently I believed she would somehow come out of her fog and do what was right for our children. The kicker for me is that the AP is obviously a much worse narc than she is and is guiding her, albeit down a very bad path that will leave her kids hating her. I’m not saying it’s all his fault, but I know her. She will cling to him for dear life and do as she’s told because the alternative is being alone, and that’s one thing she can’t handle, being alone with herself!

The other thing I’ve came to realise is that there really is no fog, only the actions of a selfish ***** that’s been there all along. I used to think I was crazy, for years I couldn’t understand why I got depressed and anxious all the time. It was all the gaslighting when I called her out on her boundaries.

My advice to any one reading this who is newly betrayed or had the ILYBINILWY speech, is throw them out. Change the locks. Go NC and give them no emotion, nothing at all. It will all be used against you! If your spouse gives the speech but wants to work on things, go to mc and all that stuff then do it. But when someone says they want out of a marriage, assume a 3rd party no matter how much you think you know them, you don’t, trust me. Think of the times you’ve seen them at their most callous or cruel, times it by 100 and that’s likely the real person behind the mask.

Do not let your love for them blind you from who they are, you’re projecting normal thinking on to them! In time you won’t love them anymore anyhow, they sure as **** don’t love you. If you catch yourself thinking they are sitting there crying over you and what they’ve lost, they’re not. If they are crying it’s in self pity and consequences. Consequences are the only thing these bastards recognise, and those consequences will be your fault. You told the neighbours, your fault and it’ll be worse to them than what they did. I got told that I destroyed our family by telling the neighbours, they found me in the drive way in tears. They move the AP in straight away, your fault for telling the kids.

I don’t believe in going after them and ruining their lives, there’s a reason for that, and it’s the right reason for me and perhaps not for everyone else. Going after them ruining their reputations or businesses is Energy I would rather spend on myself and my children. **** them, let them go off in to the sunset.

Last piece of advice. You can’t do this alone and make rational decisions. If you loved them, you can’t turn it off like a switch like they did. And so you will make all the wrong choices like I did, because you’re a normal sane human being not a sociopath! Don’t respond to a word, an email or text without advice, because you can bet they don’t. The AP will sit there with them crafting every paragraph. Do the same, give them nothing!

If this person truly loves you and made a mistake, they would expect your anger and sadness and accept your actions post d day. They would do whatever they could to right their wrong. That’s a fairy tale because it ain’t gonna happen. And you don’t want it to happen, because you’re just setting yourself up to get ****ed over one more time. In the words of George Carlin, “just bend over a little more, so I can give it you just a bit harder”. Crude, but true!

Bit of a rant, but better to learn from someone else’s mistakes than your own! Do not sit here like me regretting literally giving them everything and being treat like crap for it. Let them ***** and moan and cry and then laugh at them.

If I could go back to my d day, I would calmly walk her out the door, push her out, close it, lock it and never open it to her again.

Anything you do otherwise, especially as a man will make you look crazy. No one that hasn’t experienced this will understand your pain, no one. Being cheated on and then abandoned is a hugely traumatic event.

Final quote from Dave Draper, a one time famous bodybuilder and pretty wise guy who I’ve conversed with in the past “if you suspect a whimpering ego in your midst, take it out back and shoot it, it has a tragic influence”.


----------



## just got it 55

Ljwin said:


> Thanks mate!
> 
> I think one of the issues for us as the BS is that even with all the advice offered on these boards, which I was given right from the start. I never ever believed my stbxw could be so cold and nasty! When I proved the A and she admitted it, I thought she would do all she could to make sure firstly the kids were OK. And do as much as she could to try and explain and make it as easy for me as possible.
> 
> Even until recently I believed she would somehow come out of her fog and do what was right for our children. The kicker for me is that the AP is obviously a much worse narc than she is and is guiding her, albeit down a very bad path that will leave her kids hating her. I’m not saying it’s all his fault, but I know her. She will cling to him for dear life and do as she’s told because the alternative is being alone, and that’s one thing she can’t handle, being alone with herself!
> 
> The other thing I’ve came to realise is that there really is no fog, only the actions of a selfish ***** that’s been there all along. I used to think I was crazy, for years I couldn’t understand why I got depressed and anxious all the time. It was all the gaslighting when I called her out on her boundaries.
> 
> My advice to any one reading this who is newly betrayed or had the ILYBINILWY speech, is throw them out. Change the locks. Go NC and give them no emotion, nothing at all. It will all be used against you! If your spouse gives the speech but wants to work on things, go to mc and all that stuff then do it. But when someone says they want out of a marriage, assume a 3rd party no matter how much you think you know them, you don’t, trust me. Think of the times you’ve seen them at their most callous or cruel, times it by 100 and that’s likely the real person behind the mask.
> 
> Do not let your love for them blind you from who they are, you’re projecting normal thinking on to them! In time you won’t love them anymore anyhow, they sure as **** don’t love you. If you catch yourself thinking they are sitting there crying over you and what they’ve lost, they’re not. If they are crying it’s in self pity and consequences. Consequences are the only thing these bastards recognise, and those consequences will be your fault. You told the neighbours, your fault and it’ll be worse to them than what they did. I got told that I destroyed our family by telling the neighbours, they found me in the drive way in tears. They move the AP in straight away, your fault for telling the kids.
> 
> I don’t believe in going after them and ruining their lives, there’s a reason for that, and it’s the right reason for me and perhaps not for everyone else. Going after them ruining their reputations or businesses is Energy I would rather spend on myself and my children. **** them, let them go off in to the sunset.
> 
> Last piece of advice. You can’t do this alone and make rational decisions. If you loved them, you can’t turn it off like a switch like they did. And so you will make all the wrong choices like I did, because you’re a normal sane human being not a sociopath! Don’t respond to a word, an email or text without advice, because you can bet they don’t. The AP will sit there with them crafting every paragraph. Do the same, give them nothing!
> 
> If this person truly loves you and made a mistake, they would expect your anger and sadness and accept your actions post d day. They would do whatever they could to right their wrong. That’s a fairy tale because it ain’t gonna happen. And you don’t want it to happen, because you’re just setting yourself up to get ****ed over one more time. In the words of George Carlin, “just bend over a little more, so I can give it you just a bit harder”. Crude, but true!
> 
> Bit of a rant, but better to learn from someone else’s mistakes than your own! Do not sit here like me regretting literally giving them everything and being treat like crap for it. Let them ***** and moan and cry and then laugh at them.
> 
> If I could go back to my d day, I would calmly walk her out the door, push her out, close it, lock it and never open it to her again.
> 
> Anything you do otherwise, especially as a man will make you look crazy. No one that hasn’t experienced this will understand your pain, no one. Being cheated on and then abandoned is a hugely traumatic event.
> 
> Final quote from Dave Draper, a one time famous bodybuilder and pretty wise guy who I’ve conversed with in the past “if you suspect a whimpering ego in your midst, take it out back and shoot it, it has a tragic influence”.


OP these are the words of a truly enlightened man

Now you know the path to forward progress

55


----------



## Ljwin

Not sure what to make of this...

So I review my daughters iPhone every couple of weeks to make sure she isn’t looking at suicide videos anymore. I also check her texts as she sometimes shares some things with a friend of hers who, we’ll, isn’t the best at giving advice. She’s only just turned 10 so it was a stipulation of her having her phone that it is checked every now and then.

I saw some messages from her mum from this weekend when I took them to their competition. Her mum messaged her to see where she placed but then said she was watching her on the teams streaming website. Then followed a few texts saying “I love you more than you can ever know” what’s that about?! But the strangest one was she called her “baby bear”. This has never been one of the nicknames for our daughter, she’s a a grade A Tom boy and would hate this. But it is very close to the AP’s daughters nickname she child cared for which is ‘cammie bear’.

This has freaked me out a little. My daughter also posted a picture on Instagram which said “I would take a bullet for my Mum”. I’ve never allowed her access to social media so her mum has helped her set up this account. Also, recently she said as we were walking back from school “Mum said to remember what you did to her and that’s why she’s now with AP” I asked what she meant, she said “oh nothing I can’t remember”.

What is she saying to them! I get she’s trying to justify her A, but talking bs to the kids is mental!

So I know she’s crazy and that’s a given, but how do I combat this?


----------



## CantBelieveThis

Ljwin said:


> If I could go back to my d day, I would calmly walk her out the door, push her out, close it, lock it and never open it to her again.


Very good thoughts, thou in reality this one here isn't really legal or can be upheld for long... Least in the US

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## Marc878

> I don’t believe in going after them and ruining their lives, there’s a reason for that, and it’s the right reason for me and perhaps not for everyone else. Going after them ruining their reputations or businesses is Energy I would rather spend on myself and my children. **** them, let them go off in to the sunset.


Maybe you should rethink your Mr Nice Guy strategy

https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy


----------



## Ljwin

CantBelieveThis said:


> Very good thoughts, thou in reality this one here isn't really legal or can be upheld for long... Least in the US
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


It is here, especially as it was my house at the time!


----------



## Ljwin

Marc878 said:


> Maybe you should rethink your Mr Nice Guy strategy
> 
> https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy


Nope because it’s not Mr Nice Guy, it’s Mr be there for my kids and get on with my f*cking life rather than trying to seek revenge and living in the past. She had an affair and her life is now ****, my kids are slowly moving to full time with me. Why stir up crap for them so they shift their focus on to me and start trying to screw with me even more.

To try and sabotage their lives just screams I still care and am emotionally invested. I’m not invested in her any more. Who gives a ****! I have a new life that I’m creating for me and my kids. Calling up OFSTED and whoever governs chiropractors, it’s time out my day that I would rather spend actually living. You can damn sure bet she isn’t sitting their thinking of me at those moments.

No offence meant, but I did say, it’s right for me and maybe not others. My advice to others is forget about them and move on with your life. If she causes me issues then I’ll see her in court!


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Ljwin said:


> It is here, especially as it was my house at the time!


 Now she is trying to turn your kid against you. if you don't pull out the stops she will have your daughter hating you in no time. Quit being a nice guy and go nuclear. Your current path has gotten you where you are. Think about that.


----------



## Ljwin

Marc878 said:


> Maybe you should rethink your Mr Nice Guy strategy
> 
> https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy


Haha sorry, didn’t see the link. I’ll give it a read. Thank you!!


----------



## Marc878

Ljwin said:


> Nope because it’s not Mr Nice Guy, it’s Mr be there for my kids and get on with my f*cking life rather than trying to seek revenge and living in the past. She had an affair and her life is now ****, my kids are slowly moving to full time with me. Why stir up crap for them so they shift their focus on to me and start trying to screw with me even more.
> 
> To try and sabotage their lives just screams I still care and am emotionally invested. I’m not invested in her any more. Who gives a ****! I have a new life that I’m creating for me and my kids. Calling up OFSTED and whoever governs chiropractors, it’s time out my day that I would rather spend actually living. You can damn sure bet she isn’t sitting their thinking of me at those moments.
> 
> No offence meant, but I did say, it’s right for me and maybe not others. My advice to others is forget about them and move on with your life. If she causes me issues then I’ll see her in court!


Consequences for their actions may help you here. But to each their own.


----------



## Ljwin

Rubix Cubed said:


> Now she is trying to turn your kid against you. if you don't pull out the stips she will have your daughter hating you in no time. quit being a nice guy and go nuclear. Your current path has gotten you where you are. Think about that.


I am going nuclear. But nuclear detonation in the UK courts takes time! So in the mean time what do I do because there’s no way I’m stopping her access to them in the next few months that’s for sure. As I’ve said before I live in a town with now 3000 plus cases of child exploitation by Muslim gangs, I’m low priority I’m afraid!?


----------



## Ljwin

Marc878 said:


> Consequences for their actions may help you here. But to each their own.


Yep, right on! Consequences, that’s what I’m trying to achieve. But it needs to be under the radar because in the UK as soon as I do anything child services step in very quickly. They will say you’re not moving on, your purposely trying to hurt them and make things difficult for your kids. I know, look at what she’s done but I’m a male, and here that’s like being the devil! It’s **** bit it is how it is and I have to navigate it.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Ljwin said:


> I am going nuclear. But nuclear detonation in the UK courts takes time! So in the mean time what do I do because there’s no way I’m stopping her access to them in the next few months that’s for sure. As I’ve said before I live in a town with now 3000 plus cases of child exploitation by Muslim gangs, I’m low priority I’m afraid!?


 Sounds like you should move and take the kids with you, especially if you are low priority. You'd be low priority if you kept your kids away from her as well. If your own daughter is lying to you ("I can't remember") you may have already lost the war.


----------



## Ljwin

Rubix Cubed said:


> Sounds like you should move and take the kids with you, especially if you are low priority. You'd be low priority if you kept your kids away from her as well. If your own daughter is lying to you ("I can't remember") you may have already lost the war.


Good suggestion. But they are still of an age and it’s still so new that they think there mum cares about them. I’m sure at some level she does. In fact I think she’s recently woken up to the fact that she’s losing them so is trying to desperately claw them back. She knows I would never have her back, and she can’t be alone so she’s doing all this while still being with her AP. What’s strange is my D was the most militant in the beginning of all of this, but she’s changing her tune now. I don’t discuss this with them, and I never bad mouth their Mum. But I also don’t say mummy loves you either, that’s for them to decide. What’s funny though is my son has said many times the AP is trying to get rid of him, he’s 11 and he’s picked up on it. My daughter is more placid like me and just goes with the flow. She causes no scenes and does what she’s told by her Mum. But she has said to me she wishes she could be more like her brother and just run away back home when she’s unhappy. But, there’s something there that I can’t put my finger on which is making her change lately. I can feel it. It may be that I’m starting to date as she always takes my phone away from me when I’m on it. In fact tonight she said “how did your little date go the other night” ? Perhaps she’s worried I’ll do the same as her mum and forget them if I meet someone. I don’t know...


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Ljwin said:


> In fact tonight she said “how did your little date go the other night” ? Perhaps she’s worried I’ll do the same as her mum and forget them if I meet someone. I don’t know...


 Do you think she came up with that condescending snark on her own, at her age? That sounds almost like repeating what she's heard.

I hope she figures it out pretty quick before her Mom causes some permanent damage to her psyche.

I truly feel for you, brutha.


----------



## Ljwin

Rubix Cubed said:


> Do you think she came up with that condescending snark on her own, at her age? That sounds almost like repeating what she's heard.
> 
> I hope she figures it out pretty quick before her Mom causes some permanent damage to her psyche.
> 
> I truly feel for you, brutha.


That’s a really good observation!

I thought the same when she said it actually that it was quite condescending. I’ve never heard her speak like that before. Could also be her way of minimising her interest and not sounding too bothered by it.

She messaged her again yesterday and said I might come and see you (while at the second day of her comp) my daughter replied and said dads coming early, she replied and said never mind then, see you tomorrow, miss you so much.

She’s never messaged them when they’re with me, in fact they message her and she never replies. My son recently called her 50 times in a row because he needed something and no answer or reply until two days later. I didn’t know he’d done that until he showed me. Why the sudden interest in her daughter. Perhaps she knows she’s lost her son and is trying to save her daughter.


----------



## Ljwin

Just spoke to my son. She hasn’t messaged him since he ran away over a week ago...


----------



## Ljwin

I’m starting to wonder. I’ve heard of the three stages of limerance, something I read up on when I was still being a walk over in the beginning. I read that a sudden consequence can snap people out of these type of affairs. Recently her assistant walked out with no notice. When she was still working for her, she did everything. Opened up each morning while she was with the AP, looked after the minded kids all day and the screaming babies while my stbxw just took off to see the AP.

Part of our marriage issues was that our house was not a home. It was just a work place, she was fed up with being stuck in all the time and it built up over time. We were actually trying to buy another property at the time to relieve the pressure. Could she have realised that actually nothing has changed, she’s replaced me, lost her kids more than half time, became a step mum to 4 kids and actually babysits for him while he goes out in a night.

I don’t ask this because I want her back, I ask because if this isn’t the case, why the sudden interest in her kids. Is it genuine, or is it because as she mentioned in her last email she’s hoping I’ll either give up some of my custody or they’ll choose to be with her so she can get some money out of me?


----------



## Ljwin

Rubix Cubed said:


> Sounds like you should move and take the kids with you, especially if you are low priority. You'd be low priority if you kept your kids away from her as well. If your own daughter is lying to you ("I can't remember") you may have already lost the war.


I would love nothing more than to do that, but I think the kids would go crazy keeping them away from their Mum, they’re still too young to understand the whole thing. Or is this one of the hindsight things in the future I’ll regret not doing. I would like to live in Manchester, it’s where my friends are. I’m not sure how the kids would take me telling them we’re moving cities and that means new schools, new friends and new teams for my son. He’s heavily in to Parkour. I’m afraid that would remove their support network.

Not quite related to this, but I remember the ops wife saying to me “we’ll see how strong their relationship is”. I asked her if I had to worry about him being around my kids, she said “no, erm not your kids”. I’ve never understood how she can just accept everything, I thought she was an idiot to be quite honest. But lately I’ve been thinking she might be way smarter than I am. She’s met with my stbxw for coffee several times. I couldn’t figure this out, I know she’s upset by it because my kids have said she’s turned up at the house and been upset. But she was carrying his baby, which has now been born, his first boy out of four. My gut tells me she’s sat my stbxw down and said, right your their step mum now, this is how it’s going to work etc etc. I can imagaine my stbxw freaking out at that kind of thing. But it’s funny because when she was caring for their daughter who is a proper spoiled brat, she couldn’t see it even despite her two assistants saying she’s horrible. She was made out to be a golden child. Affair syndrome in full effect I think there! I wonder if the APs wife has something up her sleeve. I know she’s said to my stbxw I don’t want him you can have him, I’ve got 4 kids to raise. 2 from the previous wife!!!


----------



## jlg07

I think your wife is playing mind-game with your D and you need to find out what's going on with her asap. You shouldn't accept the "I don't remember" -- I'm sure she does.
I think you can explain it is a 10-year-old level about what she did and that YOU didn't cause the issues, but you have to be careful. You just don't know what their mother is telling them.
Has your son overheard them talking? He may know the tack that their mom is playing at, which may help you combat the lies. 
From what I read, your wife knows your son won't turn, but she thinks she can turn your daughter from you.


----------



## Ljwin

jlg07 said:


> I think your wife is playing mind-game with your D and you need to find out what's going on with her asap. You shouldn't accept the "I don't remember" -- I'm sure she does.
> I think you can explain it is a 10-year-old level about what she did and that YOU didn't cause the issues, but you have to be careful. You just don't know what their mother is telling them.
> Has your son overheard them talking? He may know the tack that their mom is playing at, which may help you combat the lies.
> From what I read, your wife knows your son won't turn, but she thinks she can turn your daughter from you.


My son has said she told them I wasn’t nice to her and he was, and its not the APs fault. During the initial ILYBNILWY speech I heard everything from you didn’t cut the hedge rows, fix the roof to you are controlling and jealous. The day I moved out the AP turned up and said I’ll get on and do the hedges, she said no don’t bother. Oh and the roof still leaks!

When they split up for a day and she told the kids you’ll never see him again, then the next day she said were back together are you happy for me. My daughter said “happy for you, not for me”.

The other thing about this guy is he walks out the house if my kids say oh my god or Jesus Christ. Not to upset any religious folk, but we aren’t religious. She was brought up a Mormon and hates the church, I’m a scientist and kinda Buddhist so our kids have been free to express themselves. When he walks out she then has a go at the kids, that screams control and manipulation to me. One night he left in a taxi in the middle of the night, my son asked what was going on and if it was because he did oh my god in the car and she said yes! Needless to say this has only increased his use of these phrases.


----------



## Diana7

Ljwin said:


> My son has said she told them I wasn’t nice to her and he was, and its not the APs fault. During the initial ILYBNILWY speech I heard everything from you didn’t cut the hedge rows, fix the roof to you are controlling and jealous. The day I moved out the AP turned up and said I’ll get on and do the hedges, she said no don’t bother. Oh and the roof still leaks!
> 
> When they split up for a day and she told the kids you’ll never see him again, then the next day she said were back together are you happy for me. My daughter said “happy for you, not for me”.
> 
> The other thing about this guy is he walks out the house if my kids say oh my god or Jesus Christ. Not to upset any religious folk, but we aren’t religious. She was brought up a Mormon and hates the church, I’m a scientist and kinda Buddhist so our kids have been free to express themselves. When he walks out she then has a go at the kids, that screams control and manipulation to me. One night he left in a taxi in the middle of the night, my son asked what was going on and if it was because he did oh my god in the car and she said yes! Needless to say this has only increased his use of these phrases.


So he hates cursing but is ok with adultery?????


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## Kamstel

“...oh my god in the car”?????


Just wondering what this was


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## Ljwin

Diana7 said:


> So he hates cursing but is ok with adultery?????


Exactly, he’s apparently very religious, but I guess adultery is not a big thing these days. As my stbxw said when she moved him in “everybody has affairs it’s normal” whilst giving me the middle finger. Not too religious to **** another mans wife I guess!!

What’s funny is everyone Knew us before all of this used to take the piss out of her because she would say oh my gosh and oh golly gosh, little did they know we had sewer jars in the house for all her swearing, she’s Scottish and the swears like trooper lol!


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## Ljwin

Kamstel said:


> “...oh my god in the car”?????
> 
> 
> Just wondering what this was


I’m not really sure, apparently he said oh my god in the car, he says this a lot as it’s a teen trend at the minute over here. I don’t think this was the real reason the AP left. I know she has a habit of mentioning me a lot, and that is more then likely the reason I imagine. I have to say, I’ve always been a very nice guy, and I reckon he’ll struggle to match up to me. We as a family meaning me and the kids go out and feed the homeless and other stuff. She was always a caring person and I can imagine him saying why are we doing this. But hey ho, she’s made her bed and all that lol!


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## brooklynAnn

Ljwin said:


> My son has said she told them I wasn’t nice to her and he was, and its not the APs fault. During the initial ILYBNILWY speech I heard everything from you didn’t cut the hedge rows, fix the roof to you are controlling and jealous. The day I moved out the AP turned up and said I’ll get on and do the hedges, she said no don’t bother. Oh and the roof still leaks!
> 
> When they split up for a day and she told the kids you’ll never see him again, then the next day she said were back together are you happy for me. My daughter said “happy for you, not for me”.
> 
> The other thing about this guy is he walks out the house if my kids say oh my god or Jesus Christ. Not to upset any religious folk, but we aren’t religious. She was brought up a Mormon and hates the church, I’m a scientist and kinda Buddhist so our kids have been free to express themselves. When he walks out she then has a go at the kids, that screams control and manipulation to me. One night he left in a taxi in the middle of the night, my son asked what was going on and if it was because he did oh my god in the car and she said yes! Needless to say this has only increased his use of these phrases.


I like your son.🤣


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## Ljwin

brooklynAnn said:


> I like your son.🤣


Yeah he’s full of stuff like this! Recently he said to her “so youre telling me there was just you his wife and his ex wife” she replied “no there was 6 of us”. Firstly who talks to their 11 yr old son in conversations like this. Secondly this just gave him more ammo, he went round telling everyone he had six wives. I think she meant other women but he’s just a kid so doesn’t get it.

The best one yet, she said to him “you know it’s not nice not to think of other people and be selfish” he said “I think you need to work on this yourself” shocking but is he says she just laughed!

He’s started to open up and share a lot more lately which is good. The down side to all of this is how quickly he has had to grow up through all of this. The painful thing for me is when he runs away I get used to having him around full time, then when he goes to his mums to try again, like today, I miss him incredibly. I’ll never understand how his mum isn’t in her car driving round to beg to speak to him when he runs away. I would be a mess if he ever ran away from here!


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