# Married and have issues with female co-worker



## Judo Chop (Jun 10, 2012)

I am married to a wonderful person with two kids and recently started to get along very well with a co-worker. I won't go into all the details, the bottom line is we click and probably have some sort of chemistry. We chat at work, joke around, talk about struggles we have or have had and also chatted on facebook. We probably have had some discussions that would be considered grey area regarding appropriateness. We have had sexually charged discussions and once those started to occur we both agreed we could not continue like that, so those discussions stopped. We have both expressed how we feel and that we care about eachother and I think there is an attraction there on both sides. But since I am married we are not willing to embrace anything other than friendship. 

Recently she left the company we work for and we have gone back and forth on whether we should continue to work on being friends. Right or wrong I have been pushing to continue our friendship in a healthy way. Maybe I am kidding myself.

At some point she sort of freaked out and has blocked me from facebook, and emailed me that she can't talk to me anymore because she doesn't want to mess up my marriage. I have not come to grips with why she has done this and it has really bugged me and I have been thinking about her a lot lately and miss our fun/funny conversations and talking about life. I feel like I haven't gotten closure on this whole thing because she has gone cold turkey.

I respect her reason above so have a hard time being angry with her, but struggling with her decision. Is this a completely selfless act on her part or does she not want to talk to me for other reasons? I would like to get closure and feel like reaching out to her to see if she is willing to reconsider to see if we can make this friendship work out. 

I am not sure what I should do. Should I keep trying to get a hold of her or just give up?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

This is an EA. You need to stay full NC with her. Let her go. You will go through withdrawal.

Stop pursuing her.

Put your energies towards the person who deserves them ... your wife. Figure out what you feel is missing there and commit to making it better.

You should be dating your wife.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You cheated on your wife it just wasn't physical. Imagine how great your marriage could be if you put that energy into it instead. 

You should never even put yourself in that position to begin with. Hopefully you have learned something from this and will never jeopardize your marraige and family again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> This is an EA. You need to stay full NC with her. Let her go. You will go through withdrawal.
> 
> Stop pursuing her.
> 
> ...


Perfect answer.:iagree:


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## enso (Jun 9, 2012)

Judo Chop said:


> I am married to a wonderful person with two kids and recently started to get along very well with a co-worker. I won't go into all the details, the bottom line is we click and probably have some sort of chemistry. We chat at work, joke around, talk about struggles we have or have had and also chatted on facebook. We probably have had some discussions that would be considered grey area regarding appropriateness. We have had sexually charged discussions and once those started to occur we both agreed we could not continue like that, so those discussions stopped. We have both expressed how we feel and that we care about eachother and I think there is an attraction there on both sides. But since I am married we are not willing to embrace anything other than friendship.
> 
> Recently she left the company we work for and we have gone back and forth on whether we should continue to work on being friends. Right or wrong I have been pushing to continue our friendship in a healthy way. Maybe I am kidding myself.
> 
> ...


Move on. Since you both had attraction on both sides and crossed what is appropriate this relationship will not be good for your marriage.


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## sarah1003 (Jan 11, 2012)

Wow. Definitely cheating on your wife. Sex or no sex. I think your wife should divorce you, get a good lawyer and then you can continue galavanting looking for this chick or others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

Tell your wife - ask her advice 

No, sorry this is a problem you can't go to your wife about

And therein lies your answer


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## notsosure (Jun 10, 2012)

Sometimes the unknown and the thought of someone been attracted to you, hinders and greys your conscience and line of thought.
Thats all it will ever be, and you are still lucky to have your wife. The shelfiness is from you, not her. Im glad she can see light of day and moved on. She is hoping you do to. Cause the friendship pushed boundaries, she cannot go back there and i dont blame her.

For this very reason, this friendship will not work. Grow some and move on and place all your energies in the woman that does love you, and be grateful for that.


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## Valley (Apr 24, 2012)

You need the leave her alone. You are cheating on your wife. You know and knew it was wrong yet you continued to do it. You need to tell your wife. 

You keep thinking of this other woman. Its not fair to your wife. I would want to know if my husband were wanting to be with another woman.

How would you feel if your wife left because of this? Because if you keep pursuing this woman...thats whats going to happen. It takes one moment of weakness and you've gone to the point of no return. Do you really want to break your family up over this????


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

There is nothing heathly about this situation, friends or not. Good for her as to stopping contact! A very respectful thing to do. Your actions would end your marriage and ruin the life of your wife and children.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> There is nothing heathly about this situation, friends or not. *Good for her as to stopping contact! A very respectful thing to do*. Your actions would end your marriage and ruin the life of your wife and children.


Amen to that!
I can only imagine if she hadn't gone NC with the OP.
Dollars to donuts this EA would have advanced to a PA.

To the OP, time to turn your focus on your wife & stop worrying about why your friend wanted to end your "relationship."
She ended things because she knew that you were cheating on your wife, she was the one to do the right thing.
So there's your "closure."


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Judo Chop said:


> I am married to a wonderful person with two kids and recently started to get along very well with a co-worker. I won't go into all the details, the bottom line is we click and probably have some sort of chemistry. We chat at work, joke around, talk about struggles we have or have had and also chatted on facebook. We probably have had some discussions that would be considered grey area regarding appropriateness. We have had sexually charged discussions and once those started to occur we both agreed we could not continue like that, so those discussions stopped. We have both expressed how we feel and that we care about eachother and I think there is an attraction there on both sides. But since I am married we are not willing to embrace anything other than friendship.
> 
> Recently she left the company we work for and we have gone back and forth on whether we should continue to work on being friends. Right or wrong I have been pushing to continue our friendship in a healthy way. Maybe I am kidding myself.
> 
> ...


Dude, she gave you closure. She said "I can't talk to you anymore because I don't want to mess up your marriage." She took the high road. Stop pursuing her. There is NO way you could ever be just friends with her. You had an EA with this woman. You cheated on your wife. My guess is that this "friend" changed jobs so she could make a clean break with you. Leave her alone. I know a woman who said "I don't want to mess up your marriage"... the man replied "you won't, trust me"... and then the wife found out how they truly felt about each other, and demanded no contact. And now, she is having a rough time believing that her husband, even two months after NC, doesn't think of this woman. Don't put your wife in the position my husband put me in. Let this woman go. Date your wife. Leave the "friend" alone.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You really are clueless. She knew the relationship crossed the line so she backed away....far away. You're MARRIED and she did the right thing.

Let her go. 

What more closure do you need? She felt the chemistry and therefore knew she had to go because you aren't available. This isn't rocket science.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I agree with everyone here. 

It's impossible to imagine how your wife would feel if you've never been through that kind of betrayal. You say your wife is a wonderful person. You chose to commit your life to her. So why are you willing to betray her now?


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> This is an EA. You need to stay full NC with her. Let her go. You will go through withdrawal.
> 
> Stop pursuing her.
> 
> ...


Yes!


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## Judo Chop (Jun 10, 2012)

Well thanks for the replies and thoughts. I know deep down she is right and this is the type of response I would receive. This thing snuck up on both of us. Like I said we have this strange chemistry. Anyway, I wish there was a way to make this work, she is a great person and I like to have great people in my life. Will time help the situation? Any hope for friendship here?

Anyway, so obviously the bigger question is how did this happen? I am not sure what I am searching for or missing, but I feel a bit stagnant in my current relationship, not attracted to my wife and not emotionally connected. I suppose I have become lazy. If am not physically attracted it is hard for me to get the other things to line up. Any suggestions. Please don't say marriage counseling.

I am suffering some major motivational issues which affect everything in my life.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Judo Chop said:


> Well thanks for the replies and thoughts. I know deep down she is right and this is the type of response I would receive. This thing snuck up on both of us. Like I said we have this strange chemistry. Anyway, I wish there was a way to make this work, she is a great person and I like to have great people in my life. Will time help the situation? Any hope for friendship here?
> 
> *Anyway, so obviously the bigger question is how did this happen? I am not sure what I am searching for or missing, but I feel a bit stagnant in my current relationship, not attracted to my wife and not emotionally connected.* I suppose I have become lazy. If am not physically attracted it is hard for me to get the other things to line up. Any suggestions. Please don't say marriage counseling.
> 
> I am suffering some major motivational issues which affect everything in my life.


OK, so what was it that attracted you to the OW? What need was she meeting that you weren't getting from your wife? Start there. Also, a few here will suggest, and I concur, read His Needs Her Needs. There is also the 5 Love Languages... take the test, see what your love language is. Also... come clean to your wife. That is a must. Tell her how you are feeling and, for God's sake, don't minimize your "friendship" with the OW. Your wife will feel hurt, I can promise you that. But in order to move forward, you need to talk about this. You need to get to the root of the problem...even if it is just in you and not something in the marriage.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Judo Chop said:


> Well thanks for the replies and thoughts. I know deep down she is right and this is the type of response I would receive. This thing snuck up on both of us. Like I said we have this strange chemistry. Anyway, I wish there was a way to make this work, she is a great person and I like to have great people in my life. Will time help the situation? Any hope for friendship here?
> 
> Anyway, so obviously the bigger question is how did this happen? I am not sure what I am searching for or missing, but I feel a bit stagnant in my current relationship, not attracted to my wife and not emotionally connected. I suppose I have become lazy. If am not physically attracted it is hard for me to get the other things to line up. Any suggestions. Please don't say marriage counseling.
> 
> I am suffering some major motivational issues which affect everything in my life.


Take this quiz! Get the book too!

Dr. Shirley Glass - Quiz: Has Your Friendship Become an Emotional Affair?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Judo Chop said:


> Anyway, I wish there was a way to make this work, she is a great person and I like to have great people in my life. Will time help the situation? Any hope for friendship here?


Magical, wishful thinking. No....women who you have chemistry with and/or attracted to can't be your friend especially when you are having marital problems. It's too risky. You've already had an EA with this woman don't make it turn physical.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Judo Chop said:


> Well thanks for the replies and thoughts. I know deep down she is right and this is the type of response I would receive. This thing snuck up on both of us. Like I said we have this strange chemistry. *Anyway, I wish there was a way to make this work, she is a great person and I like to have great people in my life. Will time help the situation? Any hope for friendship here?*


Really? No. Emphatically... HELL NO! Sorry, I missed this until I read Mavash quote this part. You had an EA... let's put it in other words... you cheated, emotionally, with this woman. There is no way you could ever remain friends with an affair partner, in any capacity. And yes, it was an affair. You still feel the pangs of the withdrawal. You said yourself that you have been emotionally disconnected from your wife... you were emotionally connected to this OW. You need to just give up the idea of friendship with this OW. No, time will not make things better. Just stop it!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

So I take it you've told your wife all about your new 'friend' and she's fine with it?
What's that? No you haven't? What a shock
You're betraying your wife. Stop this nonsense now or it going to end badly! What do you value most, your marriage or your friendship?
All the warning signs are there, even you friend can see them.
Now step back and leave well alone before your whole world comes crashing down around you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Judo Chop said:


> Well thanks for the replies and thoughts. I know deep down she is right and this is the type of response I would receive. This thing snuck up on both of us. Like I said we have this strange chemistry. Anyway, I wish there was a way to make this work, she is a great person and I like to have great people in my life. Will time help the situation? Any hope for friendship here?
> 
> Anyway, so obviously the bigger question is how did this happen? I am not sure what I am searching for or missing, but I feel a bit stagnant in my current relationship, not attracted to my wife and not emotionally connected. I suppose I have become lazy. If am not physically attracted it is hard for me to get the other things to line up. Any suggestions. Please don't say marriage counseling.
> 
> I am suffering some major motivational issues which affect everything in my life.


This is a textbook EA. Been there. 

You have to go through withdrawal. It took me six weeks. This happens when you let the worng person meet your needs. You should go to the doctor and get some ant-depressants.

You are making this more complicated than it needs to be. It is about brain chemicals caused by bonding with another. Forget any idea about her being your soulmate BTW.

Do His Needs With Your wife AFTER, you complete withdrawal. You have poor personal boundaries with the opposite sex. You need to correct this. This book will help you with that.

This is the most common form of an EA ... a workplace affair.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Judo Chop said:


> Anyway, I wish there was a way to make this work, *she is a great person* and *I like to have great people in my life*. Will time help the situation? *Any hope for friendship here?*


REALLY??????? !!!!!!! Are you serious?????? issed:

You have a wife and two kids. So stop behaving like an infatuated teenager!! 

Btw, I have to agree that she is a great person. She realized where this was going, took the initiative to change her job and not remain in touch with you. Looks like she cares more for your marriage and family than you do. Respect her decision and leave her alone. Focus your attention on your wife and kids... unless you are prepared to loose rest of the "great people in your life"


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

eowyn said:


> REALLY??????? !!!!!!! Are you serious?????? issed:
> 
> You have a wife and two kids. So stop behaving like an infatuated teenager!!
> 
> Btw, I have to agree that she is a great person. She realized where this was going, took the initiative to change her job and not remain in touch with you.* Looks like she cares more for your marriage and family than you do. Respect her decision and leave her alone. Focus your attention on your wife and kids... unless you are prepared to loose rest of the "great people in your life*"


Excellent advice!!
[ No need to be pissed!]
I think he needs to come back to reality!

In affairs such as these, most people get caught up in the fantasy.
Of course she is a great person, at least the side of her that she has shown you! But there are MANY SIDES to people. People usually hide the bad stuff about themselves , and save it for later.
That's why most of these affairs don't work out.They are based on false perceptions. Marriage on the other hand is reality and takes work. If some of your needs are not being met , then maybe you should discuss it with wifey. 
In EA,most of the attraction is sexual, most people refuse to admit it, so they fool themselves into thinking the affair is actually helping.
Your rationale is a bit naive,
But sorry,
That is not how it works.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Of course there is a way to remain friends with this woman.

Leave your wife and kids. Then you are free to close the door on a marriage you are not happy with, and free to pursue a friendship with this other woman.


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## *needaunderstand* (Jun 11, 2012)

my opinion is she is trying to be nice and break it off without hurting your feelings to much, she doesnt wanna come straight forward and say she doesnt wanna talk to you. she is probaly interested in someone else now. blocking is a sign that she wants to be left alone. you are becoming clingy.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'm starting a new business. Flame retardent suits. I'll make a fortune!

Seeing as how there are so many people who love to play with fire and all.

You need closure??!!??? I think you want to rekindle the ea.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*needaunderstand* said:


> my opinion is she is trying to be nice and break it off without hurting your feelings to much, she doesnt wanna come straight forward and say she doesnt wanna talk to you. *she is probaly interested in someone else now.* blocking is a sign that she wants to be left alone. you are becoming clingy.


This is of no significance. Whether the OW is interested ins someone else or not doesn't matter. What matters is that OP wants to be a cake eater. He needs to just walk away from the OW and work on his marriage.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Excellent advice!!
> *[ No need to be pissed!]*
> I think he needs to come back to reality.
> In affairs such as these, most people get caught up in the fantasy.
> ...


Yeah, sorry abt the "pissed face" Judo-Chop. Just wanted to emphasize my point in red, caps, bold! And "bang head" wouldn't have been sufficient  However I hope you get the point everybody is trying to make here... you stand to loose a lot in your life for this "friendship", which is not really a "friendship", but rather an EA! Use all the mind control you possibly can and get your focus back on the more important things in your life.


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## zeta (Jun 14, 2012)

This is textbook EA at work. You need to go NC for several weeks. How did this work out Judo Chop? Did you go NC?


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