# Verbal abuse is getting too tough to stomach...



## Ismile (Oct 22, 2009)

I fell in love with a boy, well, a man actually. We had the perfect love story, in fact, for our wedding my husband wrote our story and had it bound as a book. It was my wedding gift. 

Since our wedding four months ago, my husband has found many things wrong with me. He says I interrupt him when he is speaking, I say "ok" too much without elaborating, I defend myself every time he tells me there is something wrong with me, and I go to bed too early. The list goes on and on, today in fact, I got home from work 30 minutes later than he thought suitable (I am a substitute teacher) and immediately after walking in the door I sat next to him and happily asked him how his day was. He angrily says fine, turns back to his video game, and then asks me why I didn't tell him I would be late. I guess it is hard to picture because this seems like an innocent question. To me though it felt very accusatory. My day was horrid, I had a student pee her pants and four children cried over other students cutting them in line. (Oh the lovely life of a 1st grade teacher) AND I rushed home as soon as my last student got picked up. Ok, I am getting off topic. I am sorry.

My husband abuses me verbally daily. He never gets physically abusive but when he gets really into his screaming he can throw things against the wall. He yells at me on a daily basis and says hurtful things such as, "I wish I had a good wife" and that "I don't want to be with you anymore. Leave or I will pretend you are not here." I could quote him on and on but I don't think that is necessary. 

I do not know what to do. He is completely irrational (which is odd considering he has an extremely high IQ). He screams at me telling me that everything is my fault and he wishes he never married me. He maps out exactly why I am a horrible wife (I interrupt him when he is talking and I "shut down" when he is yelling at me only saying "yes" and "no" and "ok" without much thought behind it. His BIGGEST complaint is that I respond to what he is saying too quickly. I do these things because I am being yelled at by the person I love most. What would anyone do? 

I DO NOT want to separate. Our "marriage" is only four months old and I love him, the piece of him that finds a way to be happy and smile. These may seem like ramblings and I am sorry. Please help. I cry myself to sleep regularly. He refuses to come to bed before 11 (I have to wake up at 5:45 and need to go to bed earlier). In fact, last night he yelled at me because I simply said my bedtime i0. He yelled and said that he doesn't want us to use the word bedtime, that we are adults and can go to bed whenever we want. (I wasn't making him go to bed, I just need my sleep to put up with the crazy children all day)

Am I wrong to think that a spouse should accept their partner for who they are? Is it normal for a husband to try to enforce changes in his wife? When my husband yells he often says that if I was better he wouldn't have to yell at me. Why? What did I do?


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## JMAN777 (Dec 4, 2009)

No one should have to accept verbal abuse and constantly walk on eggshells. If he is throwing things at the wall there are some obvious rage issues there with him. The problem is that people with very high IQ's can still be irrational, emotionally immature and unstable as I have experienced this from my spouse as well (we are both young as well in our 20's). I would consider counseling and telling him that he needs to listen to your side too without judging and you need to be respected as an equal in the marriage. Especially if he is saying that he wishes he didn't marry you even in a heightened emotional state, that is a bad sign and nobody deserves that. I would look deeply to see what you may be contributing to the situation even unknowingly as well and start from there. All in all, you should NOT have to take that abuse and accept your husband for being like that. As a human being you do not deserve to take that and I would fight for it. If he does this indefinitely for years and is not willing to treat you right, I do not think that is a sustainable marriage and I would consider your options if it gets to that point.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Please scroll down to the "warning signs" box at this site:
Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

You have listed several. 4 months into marriage and it is this bad? Get help, now.

I would bet a lot of money you had a whirl-wind romance. Am I right? Classic for abusers--trap her quickly in marriage, then let the real side of yourself show.


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## DawgcityClev (Dec 6, 2009)

Let me assist you on this. It seems you are in a situation that I'm familiar with. I deal with a wife who's trapped within herself mentally. Meaning she's very bottled up and secretive. This over the past 8 years has caused me great stress and concern. It has also driven me up a wall. She claims that I beat her up verbally as well. (all this after I found out she cheated on me a week before our marriage) I will agree that I do paste her often when she does something that I detest or that seriously affects our home in a bad way. And I won't sit here and excuse it. It's actually something I need to work on, for myself towards my wife. Even if what she does really ticks me off inside. Your husband actually has some issues with you that he may be holding in, and he's only hiding them through his verbal bashes. 

You guys need to really sit and talk. and please, DO NOT sit and say "yes", and "no", as my wife does, or also, simply sit there like a bump on a log, as my wife does. This will get you two nowhere fast, and only cause him to further thrash you with his anger. 

9 times out of 10 he doesn't mean those things. He is highly upset at you. I'm telling you this because I've done this to my wife for 3 years now after her incident. And I'm trying to work on it. But it takes the two of you. If she doesn't open up and stop being secretive and bottled, it won't help matters. And you have to ask him what it is about you he dislikes so much. And can you do anything to help change his frustrations. And also ask him to stop verbally thrashing you at his convenience. Let him know that you realize there are things you two need to work on and you'll try if he helps you to understand.

Best of wishes to you guys.


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## Ismile (Oct 22, 2009)

Thank you very much! I understand this is not a one-person problem and everything takes time. I've been working on being more patient instead of zoning out for protection. It seems to be working a bit but we still have a long life together to work on these problems. 

Before we got married I never would have guessed the first few months would be like this but because they are life must go on. I choose to proceed with "our life" instead of "my life" despite how tempting leaving may be. 

Thank you very much for all you help. Any and ALL advice is much appreciated!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is really painful to read. I feel very sorry for you.

Is he avoiding sex with you? 

How often does he initiate sex?

Something is profoundly wrong here. There is something that is creating a high baseline anger level in him. And then any little thing and he explodes. Have you asked him why he gets so very angry so fast?






Ismile said:


> Thank you very much! I understand this is not a one-person problem and everything takes time. I've been working on being more patient instead of zoning out for protection. It seems to be working a bit but we still have a long life together to work on these problems.
> 
> Before we got married I never would have guessed the first few months would be like this but because they are life must go on. I choose to proceed with "our life" instead of "my life" despite how tempting leaving may be.
> 
> Thank you very much for all you help. Any and ALL advice is much appreciated!


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## Ismile (Oct 22, 2009)

Is he avoiding sex with you? 
*No, well, he does avoid it when he is mad at me but if he is not in a bad mood he pretty much wants it all the time. This is less than ideal considering I have zero desire these days. I mean, how can you want someone that spent the morning yelling at you because you took the long way to the grocery store for the pretty views? It took me an entire hour of sitting in the grocery store parking lot for him to finally go in with me, and as soon as he left the car he was down right chipper and eventually owned up to the fact that my route wasn't much longer and he may consider it in the future. I just don't understand it. It feels like he is trying to control me and freaks out when I can't be controlled. I brought this up to him and now he regularly cites it as bogus.


How often does he initiate sex?
Daily. I avoid it regularly but not regularly enough. I also give myself to him knowing that maybe that one time will change things for us. I just don't really like sex anymore but I know that will just bring up a whole bunch of problems I don't feel like dealing with so I just go with it. 

Something is profoundly wrong here. There is something that is creating a high baseline anger level in him. And then any little thing and he explodes. Have you asked him why he gets so very angry so fast?
*yes I ask him and he always says he is very patient with me and that it is my fault when he explodes. It is because "you make me feel this way". I don't get it. I am a very happy person who loves being alive, sunshine, and the occasion rainy day. Not much makes me angry so it is difficult to understand why my husband tells me he hates me so often and then the next morning seems fine again. I am coping.

**Here is the worst part. Most of the time when he is yelling at me and telling me it is all my fault ETC I have learned to keep cool even when I completely disagree with what he is saying. I smile and talk softly even while he is having his break down but it still hasn't worked. Suggestions????


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## Jewele (Dec 12, 2009)

Ismile said:


> I fell in love with a boy, well, a man actually. We had the perfect love story, in fact, for our wedding my husband wrote our story and had it bound as a book. It was my wedding gift.
> 
> Since our wedding four months ago, my husband has found many things wrong with me. He says I interrupt him when he is speaking, I say "ok" too much without elaborating, I defend myself every time he tells me there is something wrong with me, and I go to bed too early. The list goes on and on, today in fact, I got home from work 30 minutes later than he thought suitable (I am a substitute teacher) and immediately after walking in the door I sat next to him and happily asked him how his day was. He angrily says fine, turns back to his video game, and then asks me why I didn't tell him I would be late. I guess it is hard to picture because this seems like an innocent question. To me though it felt very accusatory. My day was horrid, I had a student pee her pants and four children cried over other students cutting them in line. (Oh the lovely life of a 1st grade teacher) AND I rushed home as soon as my last student got picked up. Ok, I am getting off topic. I am sorry.
> 
> ...


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## Jewele (Dec 12, 2009)

I know what you are going through. My abuse started at 18 three years after I started dating my then boyfriend now husband. It started shortly after I moved in with him after graduating. Though unlike most abuse mine started as physical right from the start. 

I was told for months that I didn't know when to shut my mouth, and one day he shoved me so quickly from behind I had no time to put my hands out to catch myself. I hit hard and bruised my face. Then it escalated to choking, punching, slapping ect. Then it just stopped, little did I know that the tactics were going to change. 

Now, I listen to everything I have done and do incorrectly. How I need to spend more time doing home things and pay more attention to him and my child. I have no friends, no social life outside of work, and anything I enjoy is quickly discredited. If someone asks me to do something I have ready excuses. It is easier to not start an arguement. My days are all the same and I've gained about 100 pounds. I get my child up and ready for school, go to work, get picked up by my husband and go home. Free time is spent cleaning, washing laundy, grocery shopping and watching tv. Then trying to push him in the direction to help with responsibilities he views as trying to control him?

You have been married now for about six months, get help. Counseling or everything about yourself you will loose trying to make someone else happy. I don't believe I will ever escape or be able to reverse what damage is already done but it is still early for you. I am dependant upon anti depressants, anxiety meds, and pills to help me sleep. I don't know who I am anymore and this is not what I had planned for my life. 

What ever you do remember that you matter and you have to remain strong if you decide to stay. ray:


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## aurorazz (Aug 11, 2009)

I'm sorry to hear this. What I want to say is your have not done anything wrong. You can have all the imperfection in your daily life, just like everyone else. But that does not give him the right to yell at you. You deserve respect. The main problem in your relationship is his temper, not you. Some day you have to stand up to his abuse or he will keep on walk over you.


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## Ismile (Oct 22, 2009)

Aurorazz

How do I "stand up to his abuse" when any time I attempt to everything gets so much worse and often times standing up for myself adds hours (yes I mean hours) to the discussion. Do you have suggestions?


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

ismile I'm not sure I share aurorazz's boldness in 'defending your right not to be abused'. Your husband should not be abusive in the first place. I faced the same dilemma early on in my own marriage - me being somewhat dismissive of my wife, and this being interpreted as emotional abuse. Once I realised how much this hurt her, *I* had to make the change, rather than getting my wife to stomach the abuse and learn to fight it herself.


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## Ismile (Oct 22, 2009)

First of all, thank you so much for everyone's help. I truly appreciate it and I feel at peace when I read the posts here.

Two nights ago my husband pulled my hair for the first time. I will not describe the entire situation here, mostly because I do not have much time before he asks what I am doing. Anyway...

He got mad at me for flinching when he put his hand in my pocket (we were downtown in a public area when he blew up). Eventually after a lot of his yelling I started crying (I am talking from the deep, uncontrollable crying). I tried to walk back to the car but he kept holding me back and blocking my way. I kept saying, "please stop yelling at me, please, not here" and he just kept yelling. He was angry that he "was upset and _ was doing nothing to help him". I said I was sorry but it didn't help so I continued to try to walk back to the car. He told me I had no keys and no money so I might as well stick around because he won't let me in the apartment if I leave. I couldn't stay and so I tried to walk past him (peacefully btw) but he crabbed me and in the process he yanked my hair. Eventually I got past him and walked two miles home, crying, at 10pm on a Saturday night. At this point I was still on a busy sidewalk and NO ONE, I mean NO ONE stopped to help. What kind of society do we live in? Sorry, that miffed me because not only did they see him yelling and grabbing me, people passed without bothering to help. My heart breaks for women who have worse things done to them, rape, physical assault, and walk two miles, ignored by all.

His biggest complaint as of late is that he is upset and I do nothing to help. How can I want to help when I truly feel that he is just bringing up drama without any cause. He picks on me for the slightest of offenses and I do not understand why I dissatisfy him so much. Tonight I made his favorite dinner as a surprise and I ended up getting yelled at because I "didn't have enough life" in me. He said I seemed too empty. 

Am I expected to be a ball of fun two nights after spending the night crying on the bathroom floor? 

Am I abnormal?

I guess I had more time to type than I thought. Yay. Football game is on and he is occupied. Safe for now..._


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

Ismile, you aren't abnormal.
You're an emotional wreck. And your husband doesn't see the emotional (and now physical) abuse he is causing you. He needs to see this in himself before he can make any headway in your marriage. Then he needs to seek professional help in dealing with anger and control issues.

I am deeply grieved when I hear stories as this when it is clear someone in public is in distress and people walk by as if they never saw you crying. Be strong and save yourself the self-pity. Be earnest with your husband about how you feel - if you fear another retaliation, seek mediation. You should not have to live in fear.

Take one thing at a time and get the counselling you both need.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I don't know what else to tell you. You defend yourself by walking out on him and absolutely REFUSING to be in a marriage like this. Get help from a hotline. It does not have to end in divorce, but he has some serious work to do on himself--work that he should have done before marrying--before you can safely live in marriage with him. The choice is yours to wait for him to change, or to move on with your life. He may never change, he may never get help. You cannot risk yourself anymore. Please, get help.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Why are you standing up for yourself or even entertaining that form of engagement with your husband? In that part of it, you are allowing this situation. Stop allowing it. Sounds simple - it's not, but if you really want it to stop, you will put a stop to it one way or the other.

It sounds like insisting he get screened for mental illness would be a good idea. In the meantime, stop buying into the abuse.

"I'm sorry you feel that way" - "I'll think about what you said" are both great statements. Pick one, say it once and walk away.

"I'll talk to you when you calm down" "I see your very upset, but I'm not willing to talk to you when your screaming/calling names/being disrespectful/whatever....." - then walk away. Leave the house if you must. 

At first this will makes things seem like they are getting much worse, because he will try to be getting the balance back to where he wants it - but persist. That will be the most difficult part for you because I'm quite sure he has become a genius at knowing just the right words to use to really get under your skin. But, it's extremely important that you stick to your guns with this. 

DO NOT LET HIM SEE YOU UPSET BY HIS ACTIONS. 


In time he will see that his temper tantrums are not working. If he says he wants to leave say "I'm sorry to hear that, let me know when you plan on leaving then" - and walk away. 

If he calls you names "Please do not talk to me like that" - and again, walk away. Do not tolerate bad behavior from him. If that means packing up and leaving, do it. I know you don't want to, but it might be the only thing that will make him realize that you will not live in an abusive situation. At that point, he will either get help, or you will know that you saved yourself from a lifetime of self esteem crushing misery.


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## sargegonewild (Dec 21, 2009)

Wow, Ismile,....that is quite a story. I know everyone in here is trying to help, but with what you're describing I only got 4 words for you: GET THE HELL OUT !!!! ...and I'm a guy, nobody deserves to be treaded that way and it seems like he realy doesnt care about your feelings. Of course everyone should try to make their marriage work, but at a point there is just no return. It will only get worse until the day when his anger gets the best of him and he seriously hurts you. Think about it. If you love someone, you dont hurt them, especially not physically, I dont care how big of an emotional problem someone has. period.


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## Ismile (Oct 22, 2009)

Thank you all for your help during this dark stage of my life. I left him and I do not foresee going back. His actions and words have gotten worse and over the holiday my parents witnessed him berating me. 

After a 28 hour drive I am finally away from him and back safely with my family. Thank you for your support. I will continue to think and pray for all the people pouring their hearts out on this website.


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## whattodo25 (Jan 18, 2010)

If it has escalated to him physically hurting you, you need to get out..meaning get out of the house and live elsewhere until he figures out if he is going to get help and change. No woman should ever have to go through this.


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## 80dolfin (Feb 19, 2010)

Ismile,

you leaving him is the best thing ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have just saved your life!!!!

These men don't get better they get worse over time. Get yourself into Domestic violence counselling straight away - contact a hotline - get support.

NEVER go back to him. 

I have been in 2 abusive relationships and they never change, just get worse over time. 

Verbal assults are just as bad as physical ones. I have had both and its the verbal ones that are harder to recovery from. Emotional abuse is an insiduous death of your soul. 

Kepp safe and well away from that abuser!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Nicola B (Feb 3, 2010)

It should have been a tell tale sign when he wrote your story without your input. It is extremely controlling and the control is what you are seeing now.
If he doesn't like you for who you are, then he needs some one he does like and you need to find some one who loves you for everyone of your foibles.
Nicola Simple Divorce Advice


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