# Married young now on the verge of the end..Please advise.



## capacity83 (Feb 13, 2011)

Hi there, im new to the forums. My name is Adrian and im from New Zealand. I come from a malaysian/asian background so does my wife but we were brought up in the western environment. 

My story is rather long but i guess i need to vent it out. I love her very deeply and want to make our marriage work out. We have been together for 6 yrs now. 

We got together when she was 16, i was 21. We dated for a year and was in a very happy relationship. I was her first for everything (sex, boyfriend etc) She then got pregnant the year after and decided to keep our beautiful son that we love very much. After that we got married when our son was a year old. No cheating as far as i know from her side. She is now 22 and i am 27.

Now during or marriage we had problems just like other couples. I took our love for granted and always tend to ignore her. For example, i would head off to the pubs with my guy friends and when she texts, she says she is lonely. I would always leave her at home to look after our child. I liked to gamble and she hated me gambling, always told me to stop. I tried to keep it from her but from time to time i would lose money and she would find out and got really angry. I did promise her i wouldnt go as much which i did. 

A year ago, she started going clubbing with her girl friends. I gave her the freedom to as thats what i did while i was younger. Everything was fine, she assured me she loved me and i fully trusted her. Although i told her i dont like her dancing with other guys. 

My wife is a very attractive 22 year old. Possibly one of the hottest chicks in the club we always go to. Just this year, she started hanging out with some younger friends, and are not attached who love to drink till they are drunk. 

To cut this shorter, she told me a week ago that she does not love me the same anymore. This happened the night after a clubbing night. When i got down to the club (because normally she would go with her girlfriends first), i saw this guy she has on FB. I've seen him around etc (quite a bit of a player, young and hits on any hot girl), pretty good looking i guess. So that night, she was a bit drunk and the guy was dirty dancing with this girl, she seemed upset and we left in a while. So when in the car, i asked her, r u ok? she said "im ok, just feeling a bit emo". Im like ok. SO the next day she was still acting the same, i couldnt take it but said that "was it because of someone else that she was upset", she knew i was talking about the guy. She said no. She just felt emo. I couldnt take it so i kept pushing her to tell me whats wrong, why is she acting like this. She kept saying she doesnt know. Then, after an hour or so, she looked at me calmly and said, "i dont think i love you the same anymore and i feel different now". She says it not me and that it's her. She says she's become a selfish ***** and would like to take a break to see how things go. In a way, she wanted me to move out. 

As any husband would react, i finally realised my love for her and how much i love her. I was so hurt, started crying and asking her why. She kept saying it's not me, and that her feelings has now changed. I started drinking that night at home, crying. She came, she said she's sorry but this is who she is now. She's not that sweet 16 yr old girl i met anymore. However, for some reason we had sex that night. It was pretty good. The next day, i tried to be a bit romantic and write her notes etc. Seems like it didnt do much but we turn on the music and had good sex again. 

Then things started to get worse. She said she needed space so i let her out last weekend. That same guy was there, dancing with the girls as a group. Her friends assured me that he flirts with every girl and he's like that. I saw it because i went down (not to spy at her) but just to watch over her. She keeps saying im controlling, she feels pressured if im there with her. I confronted her and asked why didnt she introduce me to him if she didnt have anything to hide. She said, she knew i was going to have "this sort" of reaction. So i was ok, i believe u. But i found out they were texting all of a sudden and he was saying some flirty stuff to her but she was just saying stuff like "you *******, etc etc" **** etc. She keeps telling me that he's a friend and that he watches over her on the dancefloor. I felt really upset, because that night i was there at the club as well but she decided to text him instead to go over to find her at the dance floor. However, she did introduced me to him that night. Had a drink with him. I still felt he was hitting on my wife.

Then, it seemed like everytime she went to the club she would get drunk and she normally goes only weekends, now she goes on wednesdays as well. Last wednesday, i told her i would pick her up. She said ok she will text me. So, i woke up at 4am to go pick her up from the club ( was meant to be 4.30) but i couldnt sleep. So to my surprise, when i got there, the club was closed. I saw them outside, the guy, her friend, and her. Her friend is also having problems and was crying. I was very angry when i got out of the car because he was wearing the scarf i bought her and holding her bag. Apparently, i hear from a friend of mine that, she over heard them talking that night, my wife and the guy. My wife was sobbing saying i am really nice to her but she does not feel anything anymore. So once again i confronted her on the way home, is it that guy? does she have feelings for him? she says no. I said cant u see that he likes u? she said its not her fault. I said so why didnt u text me to come get u when the club closed? she said she knew i was coming. I said what if i didnt come? she said then the guy will take her home. I said why would u let another guy take u home? she said, its not like im going to sleep with him just because he takes me home.. hes just a friend. GET OVER IT.

So, i found out she was deleting her texts to him. I said why did u delete them? she said because u would be like this? i said im ur husband! of course im going to act like this! why wouldnt i? she just keep saying that i dont trust her and to get over that guy. And everytime, she goes to the club without me (for the last two weeks) shes always drunk and happy. I went last night and the night before, she seemed unhappy. Last night, more for some reason. And yes, both nights the guy is there. She seems to be getting closer to the guy's friends as well lately. 

These couple of days has been harder. Shes showing not much care etc etc. Barely wanting to kiss. Although we had shower sex last night and sex again this morning. She hesitated a bit but gave in. I think she feels sorry for me in some way. Everytime we have sex, she says its only physical. She doesnt feel anything for me. I talked her into councelling (which will commence tomorrow). She said, she will try but does not think it will work. She had a lot of time to get over our problems and is finally over it. 

I treat her very well in fact. I do the washing, cooking, cleaning, pretty much everything for quite a while now ( even before she told me she does not love m anymore). Her family spoils her, my family(my sister) spoils her as well. I probably spoil her the most in terms of materialistic things etc. 

Ive been reading a lot these days, on multiple forums etc. My feelings tell me that there is some kind of emotional bond between the guy and her. I guess shes not sleeping with him yet but yeh.. with me out of the picture , would most likely happen. 

Anyway let me know what u ppl think... i love her 

thanks..


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

This is painful to go through.

I post this next piece quite frequently ... wish I didn't have to.

I understand that you are hurting, but crying, begging, and pleading, and continuing to pursue sex with her while you know she is detaching from you, to focus on a relationship with someone else won't help you, nor will it help your marriage.

You did become involved and marry young ... very young ... and she became a mother.

Now at 22 she is experiencing some social freedom and probably no lack of attention from other guys.

You cannot make her want to work on the marriage if she is focused on another man.

What you can do is make it clear that you have no intention of making her choice easy. It's never as easy as the partner caught up in the fantasy of being single expects it will be.

But for you? Work on holding it together. If she is going to continue insisting going out at night and not being accountable to you or her son, then insist she leave the home ... not you.


----------



## capacity83 (Feb 13, 2011)

Deejo said:


> This is painful to go through.
> 
> I post this next piece quite frequently ... wish I didn't have to.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advise!. We went to councelling yesterday for the first time. The councellor basically asked her if there is anyway she would give our marriage another shot.. whether it was for our son or not. She said no. councellor decided it wasnt going to work as she is not willing to give us another shot. Im so angry at that.. she never gave me a chance nor our family one. I mean i may not be the best looking guy out there but i think im pretty ok looking with a great personality. I mean finding another girl wouldnt be a problem but i dont want any of that.. i just want my family back as it was so i can show her how much i could change for a second chance but all she's saying, its too late, its over. omg.. i dont even know now..


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Best advice I can give you, and probably the most difficult to actually follow when you are dealing with these circumstances, is to NOT focus on her ... and focus on yourself.

As I said, you can't demand that she change her mind, but you can choose to behave in a manner that may make her reconsider if abandoning her marriage is wise.

There is a lot of great input to be found.


----------



## capacity83 (Feb 13, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Best advice I can give you, and probably the most difficult to actually follow when you are dealing with these circumstances, is to NOT focus on her ... and focus on yourself.
> 
> As I said, you can't demand that she change her mind, but you can choose to behave in a manner that may make her reconsider if abandoning her marriage is wise.
> 
> There is a lot of great input to be found.


should i continue to be nice at her? because like i said ive spoilt her over time.. i.e. doing housework etc etc basically all the chores.. shes now just lazy, gets me to do things for her most of the time.. what should i do? should i continue to tell her i love her (i havent in the last day or so) or that i miss her?


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

My opinion is, no, you should not be going out of your way to be nice to her.

That doesn't mean treat her poorly, but you know what's going on. In a nutshell she wants to leave you because she fully believes there is something or someone 'better' out there.

Being 'nice' doesn't gain you anything at this point given where her head is at.

Start withdrawing from her, and actually taking steps to dissolve the marriage, and it is very likely that those behaviors will definitely get a response from her.

It is counter-intuitive, but gets results. The more you make her leaving 'real', odds are, the less likely she will find the entire prospect appealing. However, at the end of the day, if she doesn't love you ... then you should not try to keep someone that has no intention of working with you.


----------



## capacity83 (Feb 13, 2011)

Deejo said:


> My opinion is, no, you should not be going out of your way to be nice to her.
> 
> That doesn't mean treat her poorly, but you know what's going on. In a nutshell she wants to leave you because she fully believes there is something or someone 'better' out there.
> 
> ...


Well.. im not sure if i can do that to be honest.. so do u think i should move out asap? i mean we are currently staying at her parents place. I could move to my sister's place anytime. I just dont want to leave our family just yet.. i will miss her and my son terribly.. although i know i will get to see her once a week and my son a few days with him. 

Just a question, could she be having sex with me just because she feels quilty? or do u think that thrs some chance she may still have a little bit of feelings for me but her obvious choice is partying and getting durnk at the moment. I mean she told me she has absolutely no feelings for me but still cares for me as a friend. Maybe it;s a guilt trip for her because i was nice to her etc etc.. i dun know advise?

She told me she


----------

