# Wife's Modesty



## Stilltrying1 (Dec 6, 2011)

I have a question for the ladies. My wife and I are in our early 50s, with two children and have been married for more than 25 years. 

Throughout nearly all of our marriage my wife has been shy in undressing around me or letting me see her naked. We most often have sex with lights off and when she gets ready in the evening or the morning she almost always turns her back to me when taking off her top. 

I will occasionally see her naked in and around the tub/shower, but she always seems uncomfortable with it. She says she is uncomfortable letting me see her because she knows she doesn't have a "perfect" body. This was as true when she was 25 as it is now. I've told her countless times that I find her body beautiful; that it is sexy to me; I don't expect or even want a model-perfect body--and at my age, I know mine isn't perfect either. I am not merely saying those things, either. My wife IS a beautiful woman who has taken good care of herself physically over the years. 

To be fair, she has never been one to dress provocatively and I don't this is false modesty. I can also see the benefit of not being completely exposed all the time--it keeps some of the mystery and excitement of parts that are "off limits" alive in our relationship.

Yet, her modesty, especially after all these years, makes me feel like our levels of intimacy and trust are not what they "should" be and I often feel like something of a pervert for trying to steal glances of her nudity.

My questions: A) Am I being unreasonable to expect my wife to be more comfortable with her nudity around me? Am I taking it too personally? B) Is this something that may lessen or worsen with age?

Any insights are appreciated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How often do you complement your wife's body and tell her that you find her beautiful? I would think that the more you did that, the more she would be comfortable with her own nudity.

She's been like this for a long time.. seems like something you would do best to accept about her.


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## Stilltrying1 (Dec 6, 2011)

Thanks EleGirl.

The truth is I constantly tell her how beautiful and sexy she is. She is always making comments about not being pretty enough or that I will leave her for a younger, prettier woman. There is no basis for such comments and I find myself reassuring her to no avail.

Maybe it is just something I will have to accept.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When she tells you that you would leave her for a younger, prettier woman you might want to tell here that she needs to realize that it's an insult to your character.

While there is the stereo type of men leaving thier wives for younger women, most men do not. 

Maybe someone else will come along with better insight for you.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

Hmmmm.

It sounds like your W has really low self-esteem. Did she have a bad experience in the past? Sexual abuse? Or a bad relationship?

You'll probably just have to keep complimenting her, or trying to get her to open up to you. If she won't go to IC for her self-esteem, then you'll probably just have to deal with it and make do.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Stilltrying1 said:


> Thanks EleGirl.
> 
> The truth is I constantly tell her how beautiful and sexy she is. She is always making comments about not being pretty enough or that I will leave her for a younger, prettier woman. There is no basis for such comments and I find myself reassuring her to no avail.
> 
> Maybe it is just something I will have to accept.


Try answering her with something along the lines of..."oh, but I don't want a younger, prettier woman. I want to be with YOU".

This sounds counter productive, but if you are always telling her she is beautiful and sexy, you are reinforcing that you think beauty is very important to you. And she knows she isn't as physically beautiful as a 25 yr old. 

Saying you are beautiful to me just the way you are is more closer to how you feel. 

Congrats on being together for so long!


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## Stilltrying1 (Dec 6, 2011)

Thanks for all who've posted. I do tell her that I find HER attractive. Countless times I try to explain to her that it's not about physical beauty, per se, though I do find her physically beautiful. It's about our intimacy and my desire to be close to her. It's about my desire for her as a woman. It's about the pleasure I derive from seeing her. 

I know this is something that likely won't change from anything I say or do. For whatever reasons (self-esteem is a likely explanation) I don't think she will ever strut around our bedroom in her birthday suit--and I am not sure that's what I am seeking. It just seems to me that after so long together, her self-consciousness with me would have waned. It has, a bit, but not to the degree I would have expected given the length of our marriage.

Though it is unanswerable, I guess what I really want to know is if her modesty is because of her feelings about herself or if it is more related to her feelings about me and our relationship.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I think some people are just raised this way. I have a friend like this. She can't change in front of ANYONE. Even in her own home, she changes in the bathroom  I don't get it.

I was not raised this way :rofl: I walk around naked or half dressed all the time. My family wasn't big on modesty unless you were pooping--- then please close the door.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Stilltrying1 said:


> Though it is unanswerable, I guess what I really want to know is if her modesty is because of her feelings about herself or if it is more related to her feelings about me and our relationship.


If she has been like this throughout your entire marriage, then it's most likely because of her feelings about herself.

She has a poor self-image, low self-esteem, is too wrapped up into her own self-awareness, and is too self-conscious. There's a reason those words start with "self". Because that is where it begins - within a person's self - and also the only place where it can end - within a person's self.

If she's willing to work to try and overcome some of her self-consciousness, there are resources like the following that you can start with:

Amazon.com: Feeling Good about the Way You Look: A Program for Overcoming Body Image Problems (9781572307308): Sabine Wilhelm PhD: Books

Best wishes.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Both my husband and I were modest towards one another for a long time. It just wasn't until this past year we really were comfortable with each other. We no longer hide and even take showers together. What helped was telling each other we need to see each other during intimate times. I'm not as toned as I once was, due to my neck injury. I put on some weight, lost most of it. I have a few pounds left, but I was a lot more confident once hubby told me he needed to see me naked. We rarely have sex at night, there usually is light from the tv shining(the tv's on to drown out the noise from the kids). He also comes home once in a while for "lunch" during his lunch hour when the kids are at school, so it's light in our room. I'm far from the perfect body. My husband is a triathlete, so he is very thin. I do weigh more then my husband and that does bother me, but with my injury I no longer can run my 36 miles a week, so therefore it will be difficult to lose these last few pounds. 

It's not easy, but we do it. I never understood why my husband was so modest, he has a great looking body, perfect in my eyes. Hopefully your wife will come around. It took us a while. We've been married 12 years. We are also very affectionate to each other and spend time everyday snuggling. We are very close and also best friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Stilltrying1 said:


> I have a question for the ladies. My wife and I are in our early 50s, with two children and have been married for more than 25 years.
> 
> Throughout nearly all of our marriage my wife has been shy in undressing around me or letting me see her naked. We most often have sex with lights off and when she gets ready in the evening or the morning she almost always turns her back to me when taking off her top.
> 
> ...


Ok, I am likely a very strange woman, but I was like this for many years of my marraige, I am not sure how my husband put up with me....it had nothing to do with low self esteem, it had everything to do with "sexual repression"...... I was just embarrassed about sex for some darn reason, I loved it -most amazing feeling in the world, but we never talked about it, too taboo or something. I aways wanted the lights out, under a sheet, felt strutting around like a stripper was pornish, couldn't wrap my head around oral sex either, he has called me a "nun" on occasion to a guy friend in joking, but there was some truth to that -in his feelings I am sure. 

I used to turn my body around if undressing around him too, I didn't care if he seen the back side. He was always trying to look, I was just SHY about it. He did manage to get me to pose nude on a few occasions though, maybe I wasn't too far gone. 

My husband didn't go overboard in trying to get me to change-with words or persuasions - he just lived with it, he is a passive man. I feel had we talked more openly about sex, been more educated, or something and if he played with me more - in a teasning kind of way, he coud have opened me up sooner, but I can only speculate. 

I am a completely differnet woman today in this sense, we are naked in the light, even got a mirror to watch ourselves , we have taped ourselves, and run around naked every night ...I went overboard in the other direction-and almost feel like a kid in the candy store having so much fun with it all, went on a lingeir binge, practically give him lap dances now. 

If you have complimented her over & over & over, it seems there is not much you can do, this is an *internal *thing with her, for whatever reason. I was not until I started reading secular books on sexuality , and had some kind of a hormonal rise in my early 40's , came into that "cougar stage" - that I suddenly let loose and lost every inhibition I ever had. I suddenly realized.... Oh my God, we missed so much with each other . 

I recall not too long ago (maybe 5 yrs ago) saying to him in the dark how rediculous we are, having all these children I was still shy about him seeing my body.

I guess becuase of my own personal transformation (My "Awakening" thread has that explained), I believe it is possible for women to change -if you can get to the root of what the issue is ..whether it be insecurities, or some repressed thinking on her own sexuality.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

There is something very wrong with your marriage. Not because of her modesty which may or may not be real. But the fact that she is scared you will go for a younger woman. 
* She is always making comments about not being pretty enough or that I will leave her for a younger, prettier woman*
As a previous poster pointed out, men just dont do that in a happy marriage.
Perhaps I may add that maybe you are overdoing it talking about her 'looks'. Wives have other attributes as well which also ought to be noticed.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Maybe his wife is just insecure. Doesn't mean they have a bad marriage.

Men just can't win. If they are giving compliments to help raise self esteem, they are talking about looks too much. Yet if the OP never complimented his wife, he would be chastised for that too.


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