# I don't know him anymore.



## Dr.Girlfriend (Sep 3, 2012)

I need to get this out, and get some feedback somehow. There is no one I can tell. I'm 29 years old and my husband is 31. We dated for three years before getting married. We were very happy our first two years of marriage but the past few months have been an absolute shirtstorm. First symptom was our sex life, it disappeared. We always had had an active and vigorous sex life, and out of nowhere it vanished. I'm nothing if not observant and noticed this problem was bizarrely selective. He couldn't seem to make it function with me, even though he seemed healthy enough and occasionally I'd walk in on him masturbating. Not something that bothers me generally but it's pretty devastating when you aren't having sex with your partner and they clearly would rather have sex with the voices in their head or the porn on the screen. Under those circumstances it is beyond frustrating. Sex between us became slow, stilted and painful with me hoping something, anything would make his paraphernalia work. There is also the porn, and some kind of adult chat room he participates in. I swore it wasn't so much porn so often before. I'm usually pretty caviler about porn as trying to get men to stop looking at it is like trying to stop water from flowing downwards anyway. (It can be done, but it's entirely too much effort.) But the combo of very hardcore porn that he would freak out if I got near his screen when he was sneaking it, and a chat room bothered me greatly. While only text on a screen chat rooms involve real live people who can respond in real time. That is very different than just video or pictures to me. People can and do fall in love online. 


This situation continues to blossom, until out of nowhere my husband confesses to being bisexual. This is a complete shock to me, he had never shown any inkling that he had these desires. Don't misunderstand me, I wasn't angry that he was bisexual, I was angry that he had never told me. The most honest thing I can say about it is as a heterosexual woman I agreed to marry a heterosexual man. Let's not pretend his admission doesn't change anything. Clearly the reason for a confession is so he can entertain or introduce the thought of sleeping with someone else, with or without me. Why else would he ever tell me? I don't think it's fair that because he's just decided he can share this part of himself with me, he can both have a wife and a boyfriend. What's in that for me exactly? Still, this is my husband I committed to and I love him. So I bury my anger and resentment for him and tell him it's OK and we can work it out. He's soooo happy I understand! I'm pretty much miserable of course, but I figure it will get better with time and understanding. Surprisingly, things seem to. About a month passes. I notice he texting on his phone more than usual. I occasionally ask who he's talking to. (Not an unusual question, he is not a phone person so people text him quite a bit.) I notice several times he is struck dumb for an answer, or is embellishing way too much about it. Only one reason for that kind of response under the circumstances isn't there? I refrain from checking his cell until much, much, later. I normally would never commit that kind of privacy invasion but you'll find out why I caved in a moment. Under normal circumstances I do not read his email, check his web history or even touch his computer.


A few days ago, he texts me from work saying there's something he wants to tell me but he's sure he'll leave him once I find out what it is. At this point, I have very little compassion left and I just want him to tell me when he gets home so it can be over already. Except it's something much worse than I imagined. He has a perversion that I wont even name. He has never indulged but the very idea he thinks about it is horrifying to me. I've been an emotional wreck ever since. I don't understand how I could have loved someone who is this way. There weren't any signals to miss, nothing to tip me off. I'm not an idiot. I thought I was being supportive through his sexual difficulties. Now I know it goes much, much deeper. After the bombshell, I went ahead and checked his phone. (Why not, it's not like was going to get worse.) Sexting, of course it was, I knew it all along. Very nasty stuff, I wish I hadn't seen it but on the other hand I'm glad I did so he can't lie to me about it. I don't know how I'm ever supposed to trust him him again, even though I do love him. I also cannot find him appealing in an intimate way, for lack of a better way to put it. Forget sex, I don't even want him to touch me. I can't kiss him. It's all I can do not to pull away when he hugs me because I know that hurts him. It feels like he's dropped a bombshell into my life and nothing will ever be the same. My life doesn't seem real, nothing in it belongs to me anymore. The me that was doing those actions and planning for our future doesn't exist now. He destroyed her. He destroyed himself too. It really does feel like he died and this new, evil person is who I have to deal with.


I'm not sure what to do now. I did a few things (took him off my bank account, played with resume) but nothing seems real anymore. My first impulse after the last confession was to leave. Make no mistake I take my marriage vows very seriously, and I did ask to get both couples therapy and individual therapy as well for his issue, which he agreed to and arranged promptly. But is there seriously a way I can learn to love this man again? Living with lies and fear, always worrying that I'm not "enough" for him. That if he give in to his demons it's my fault somehow, all the while hoping the disgust at being intimate will go away? This is so hard, I love him still. He does not actually enjoy having this deviance and it's a burden to him. Later he told me he just needed to confide in someone about it. If you can't tell your wife who can you tell? People aren't supposed to be thrown away when they are broken. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here. Validation or advice I guess, or just a chance to get it off of my chest because I wouldn't ever tell people what's up in person. It could destroy his life. I'm not a cruel person. People won't understand what happened to us. We looked like such a happy couple. (Indeed, until just a few months ago we were.) I have no explanation to give. Not even one for myself.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

There are lots of great articles explaing how harmful porn is, and to many men how they cease to be aroused or be able to function normally with their real live partners. Asking him not to use porn shouldn't be a big deal. If someone loves you and is attracted to you (as is needed in a marriage) surely they will do what it takes to have a healthy relationship?

I don't know that I could live with someone who has a terrible perversion that made me sick. I would leave.

Alsoyou kept turning a blind eye, so he got the green light to do more and more and more. His being in the chat rooms, was cheating, his sexting was cheating.

And if someone is Bi it doesn't mean they can't be faithful. What has that got to do with loving and being committed to your wife. It just means he is attracted to men and women, it doesn't take away from the fact that he promised to be faithful to you.

I personally wouldn't want to stay with someone who had treated me so poorly. I feel for you.

You have had poor boundaries and he has walked all over you.

Either you need to set some strong clear boundaries and be willing to leave if he doesn't stick with them or you are up for a life time of misery.

He should be loving you, treasuring you and wanting and desiring you. Personally I would leave. You did take your vows seriously but he is the one who hasn't.


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## Dr.Girlfriend (Sep 3, 2012)

I'm perfectly aware that someone who is Bisexual can be faithful. My problem is that he told me after he we were married. If you are married it doesn't matter who you're attracted to then does it? 

This all happened in a very short amount of time, and I was trying not to overreact. I certainly was not turning a blind eye. We fought about it several times. I don't know what he's up to in the chatroom, although that doesn't excuse or explain his presence there.The sexting is recent, he doesn't know that I know that. 

Thanks for blaming his being able to sleep with everyone else but his wife on me though. Makes me feel awesome.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I didn't blame it on you. I'm confused as tohow you cameto that conclusion.

However the truth is you by not "overreacting" have allowed him to continue with his cheating and terrible behaviour. You do have poor boundaries. It's not your fault that he is a cheater. But it is you are the one allowing him to do this and continue to do this.

There should have been dire consequences at the beginning of his poor behaviour. 

Personally I couldn't stay with someone who disrespected me like that.

Also it's not your fault that he's not wanting to sleep with you, it's his. And yes he should have old you he was bisexual. I personally wouldn't want to marry someone who identified as such myself.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

If you want advice you might want to tone down the defensiveness.  

I don't know what the sexual perversion you saw that you can't name is, but if it's illegal (and I don't know if it is), please report it. Otherwise, there are websites like fetlife.com and collarme.com that cater to various fetishes. I don't personally have any experience with the sites, but I've come across online friends who participate on both sites. There's a woman who posts here whose husband came out as bi after a traumatic brain injury. They learned to accomodate his desires while still being married to each other. Granted she's in the minority, but there are couples who manage to make it work. It takes effort on both sides.

You really are at a crossroads. You have to decide if you're happier with him or without him. You're still young, and if your username is any indication, it sounds like you're in a good profession. You have a lot to offer someone. I personally would leave. I couldn't be married to a bi man. I would always wonder if I was enough for him. 

By the way, there's nothing wrong with the occasionally reading emails or texts one's spouse sends. Trust but verify. Blind trust is not conducive to a healthy relationship.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

Is his 'perversion' something illegal or just something you find revolting? If it's the former, then are you absolutely sure he's never indugled it? Assuming neither and it's just something you don't like, then, realistically, you're either going to have to accept it in some way or leave him. For what it's worth, I have a married couple of very close friends who reached an accommodation on the male partner's weird sexual kinks from very early on in their relationship. He goes off to a club to indulge with like-minded people once a month and she stays home. They're still married 20 years on and both seem happy and content so I think it's possible to get over such things.


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## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

I tend to believe that fetishes go along with sex addiction...have you considered that? It takes more and more for them to get their "fix"...


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