# Why do people come here.



## examp (Aug 6, 2020)

I had better start a new discussion since my previous one got sidetracked with this question. Do they come to find out if they are right or to be told they are right. Everyone thinks they are always right and never do wrong even me, and even if told by others wont agree and dismiss it. If someone doesnt give all the necessary details even when prompted that is telling why he is here. Another thing wrong. In marriage there is no right and wrong. Two people can be doing all the wrong things and still have a wonderful marriage. Just because one does it right that is no reason to expect the one doing it wrong to change. If because the children shouldnt copy then it may be different..


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Collective brainstorming and sharing of experiences is useful for exploring all your options, including options that you would not have otherwise acknowledged.

This is regardless of what the OP decides to do with such options. Their life, their choice, their consequences.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Work through problems. Get a different perspective on things. I personally have identified a lot of my problems by talking through things with you people. 

I also love telling people my opinion


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

examp said:


> Why do people come here? Do they come to find out if they are right or to be told they are right?


There are some people who come here and want everyone to agree with them. Those posters generally don't last long, and possibly went back to their bridge after getting a rise out of everyone. 

There are some people who come here to have other people confirm their suspicions or choices. If they have 20 people telling them that yes, their spouse does suck then may get the boost they need to do something about it. 

There are some people who are looking for outside opinions because friends and family are biased, or they don't want to share with others. 

There are some people who just want more opinions or to bounce ideas off of a group of people. 

There are some people who have no support systems and are looking for one, whatever that means for them.

There are some people who vent through writing and a forum is a huge help for them. 

There are some people who are just bored and seem to want to socialize.

It's not like there is one answer for everyone.


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

I came here to explore the crazy thoughts I was having. Mid life crises, I did not want to blow up my life & needed different tools and thinking. 

Once here I also explored the affair my late wife had on me as well as the one 1st gal I dated after she died.

I never posted about any of this, preferring to keep reading.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

examp said:


> I had better start a new discussion since my previous one got sidetracked with this question. Do they come to find out if they are right or to be told they are right.


I don't know.

Why do you come here, is it because you want to find out if your right or to be told you are right?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Girl_power said:


> Work through problems. Get a different perspective on things. I personally have identified a lot of my problems by talking through things with you people.
> 
> I also love telling people my opinion


You are VERY good at it, too!!!


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

examp said:


> I had better start a new discussion since my previous one got sidetracked with this question. Do they come to find out if they are right or to be told they are right. Everyone thinks they are always right and never do wrong even me, and even if told by others wont agree and dismiss it. If someone doesnt give all the necessary details even when prompted that is telling why he is here. Another thing wrong. *In marriage there is no right and wrong. *Two people can be doing all the wrong things and still have a wonderful marriage. Just because one does it right that is no reason to expect the one doing it wrong to change. If because the children shouldnt copy then it may be different..


For the bolded: Oooooooh YES there is!


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## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

I posted several threads on here between 2016-18 to help me navigate some aspects of reconciling with my husband after my emotional affair.

Those who responded thoughtfully and with great detail and no holding back helped me really look at my self-centered thinking.

Even when I didn't agree I mulled it over and found little facets that would niggle at me until I could wrap my mind around how it applied to me.

I could've just rejected the things I didn't like but I really did want other people's perspective.

It was really helpful!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I learned a lot from this place. Like myself I think many come here to learn about themself, their spouse, and relationships in general. Some people have no one else to go to.
Unfortunately I find a great deal of people are so deep in denial of the truth in front their face that it makes them hard to help. Nobody wants to admit they invested so many years in a failure..... and even worse that they knew it many years ago but didn’t do anything about it


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

This forum was mentioned on the divorce reddit and I came thinking that I could get some perspective that wasn't quite as jaded as you find there.

Mostly now I try to share what I've learned from my experience both in my marriage and going through my divorce. 

I'll probably date sometime and it will probably be a different experience now at 40+ and 2020 than it was when I was a teenager in the 90s. Reading post-divorce dating stories can be educational and/or inspirational. 

I don't know if I am looking for validation or rationalization. I do have a fairly distinct opinion about the end of my relationship which brought me into conflict with @examp recently though I hope he/she didn't take it personally. It will probably just be one of the things that we'll have to agree to disagree on. 

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

We come here because we are lost.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

I came here before our 20th, without any burning issue, just pondering marriage in general. I’m not that deep, I stayed for the fun and friends, and memes, and boob jokes.


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## examp (Aug 6, 2020)

bobert said:


> There are some people who come here and want everyone to agree with them. Those posters generally don't last long, and possibly went back to their bridge after getting a rise out of everyone.
> .


You should edit and number them..


LisaDiane said:


> For the bolded: Oooooooh YES there is!


Maybe you misunderstood me. I am referring to what was mentioned on here..like playing video games or the way one eats which dont affect the other directly.


Personal said:


> I don't know.
> Why do you come here, is it because you want to find out if your right or to be told you are right?


There are some people who vent through writing and a forum is a huge help for them. 
I mentioned something similar in my very first post..


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## examp (Aug 6, 2020)

Hiner112 said:


> I don't know if I am looking for validation or rationalization. I do have a fairly distinct opinion about the end of my relationship which brought me into conflict with @examp recently though I hope he/she didn't take it personally. It will probably just be one of the things that we'll have to agree to disagree on.


I happen to be a 'he'. Rather surprised that anyone can make that mistake.. I certainly take nothing on here personally, and have yet to find anyone who agrees with me on anything. There is a clique here to which I dont belong.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

examp said:


> There is a clique here to which I dont belong.


What do you mean by a clique?


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## examp (Aug 6, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> What do you mean by a clique?


Basically how to reply to posters. My replies dont fit that.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

examp said:


> I happen to be a 'he'. Rather surprised that anyone can make that mistake.. I certainly take nothing on here personally, and have yet to find anyone who agrees with me on anything. There is a clique here to which I don't belong.


At the time you were explaining my wife's perspective which would have made me lean towards 'she' without any other context clues but I wasn't going to assume so you got a he/she.



examp said:


> Basically how to reply to posters. My replies don't fit that.


There are some standard replies for commonly expressed concerns like suspected or discovered infidelity, dead bedrooms, abuse or neglect, and dealing with divorce. There is a bit of group think / echo chamber for those kinds of problems partly because they are so commonly brought up and partly because the people that have dealt with them have had success (or not) with a variety of approaches so there is some group wisdom in how to approach them.

Several of the regular posters have had some common experiences which tends to give their perspective and responses a certain tone (being betrayed or getting the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech for example) but the views aren't as uniform as you seem to believe. For many of these issues there are posters that were on the other side of the conversation (cheated or gave the speech). I don't think being the cheater or dumper would necessarily color their perspective as strongly so they are less likely to respond.

If you can bring a new perspective and solutions to problems that others can't that is a good thing. Being a collection of people expressing opinions, unless your perspective is very neutral or bland, you are almost guaranteed to run into someone to disagree with you.


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## examp (Aug 6, 2020)

Hiner112 said:


> At the time you were explaining my wife's perspective which would have made me lean towards 'she' without any other context clues but I wasn't going to assume so you got a he/she.


I wasnt aware only women can explain the wife's perspective or that women would be more likely to. I believe in trying to understand both partners even though I am a 'he' not only the one who posts here. I have already mentioned that it would be a good idea to have a section where both could give their 'complaints' and let us decide and be the judge. It would be a lot cheaper and better than counsellors. I am really surprised it isnt here yet. 
I believe every one of my now regular posts does bring a new perspective I dont just copy or agree to previous ones. You are right the regular posters do have regular responses and that is the clique I refer to based on their experiences. I cant say that my responses arent, but they are usually different to others.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

In my opinion people come here for one or more of the following reasons:


They are hurting or are in pain and want help and advice on how to cope and gain short term and longer term relief.


They are struggling with understanding "why" and want help and advice on how they can get a better understanding of why whatever took place, happened.


They want help and advice on what to do next - generally and in detail. This would include evaluating if they are in the wrong too.
They seek this based on the collective experience and often expect different responses from which they choose what to do next. The responses range from mild to heavy, from soft to extreme and are based on personal experience and opinions. The responses cover religious, health/biological, gender based, therapeutic/scientific, psychological, financial, legal, social, cultural and moral/philosophic advice and information.

E.g. short and longer term relief includes doing the 180, getting to a gym, quitting of alcohol and drugs and separation. Other types include securing of assets, funds, and custody. Next steps include all the technology needed to uncover truth and catch people out, exposure, how to tell kids, and also getting polygraph testing done. The hardest (or depending on your point of view, the easiest) is the understanding of why.

As you said, the advice given is based on whatever the OP tells us and we must assume that they are not lying (within certain limits).


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Hiner112 said:


> Several of the regular posters have had some common experiences which tends to give their perspective and responses a certain tone (being betrayed or getting the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech for example)


There is some of that, but less so than most other forums I've seen! There is less of a fixed "party line" here.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

examp said:


> Do they come to find out if they are right or to be told they are right. Everyone thinks they are always right and never do wrong even me, and even if told by others wont agree and dismiss it. If someone doesnt give all the necessary details even when prompted that is telling why he is here.


To answer the original question "Why do people come here?" 
People generally have a thing that they always do, and they come here to do that thing. Not everyone's thing is the same. 

Some people love to do snarky zingers; some love to contradict, some love to give advice, some want sympathy. Some want to be heard. Many, of course, want to be agreed with; some want to be disagreed with. Whatever they do in life, they bring it here and do it here too. In this way, you can often make a reasonable guess at what if anything is wrong in someone's relationship by the way they interact here. It's like a form of group therapy.


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## examp (Aug 6, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> To answer the original question "Why do people come here?"
> People generally have a thing that they always do, and they come here to do that thing. Not everyone's thing is the same.
> 
> Some people love to do snarky zingers; some love to contradict, some love to give advice, some want sympathy. Some want to be heard. Many, of course, want to be agreed with; some want to be disagreed with. Whatever they do in life, they bring it here and do it here too. In this way, you can often make a reasonable guess at what if anything is wrong in someone's relationship by the way they interact here. It's like a form of group therapy.


That wasnt the intention of my original question. It was why they bring their problems here. Not why they get also get replies.I dont think people bring a problem here just to contradict the replies they get which you would seem to imply if you had understood my original question they way I meant it.. I also dont think anyone brings a problem here wanting to be disagreed with.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

examp said:


> That wasnt the intention of my original question. It was why they bring their problems here. Not why they get also get replies.I dont think people bring a problem here just to contradict the replies they get which you would seem to imply if you had understood my original question they way I meant it.. I also dont think anyone brings a problem here wanting to be disagreed with.


I think you have some problems. It sounds like a forum might not be the place for you if the mechanics of it is stressing you out so much.


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## examp (Aug 6, 2020)

Thank you for your concern for my 'problems'. Perhaps you can advise me of the correct place which will not 'stress' me out so 'much'.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

examp said:


> Thank you for your concern for my 'problems'. Perhaps you can advise me of the correct place which will not 'stress' me out so 'much'.


A place you don't feel compelled to start threads complaining about forum "cliques" and the type of advice given on a forum you have been on for _less than two weeks_.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

examp said:


> That wasnt the intention of my original question. It was why they bring their problems here. Not why they get also get replies.I dont think people bring a problem here just to contradict the replies they get which you would seem to imply if you had understood my original question they way I meant it.. I also dont think anyone brings a problem here wanting to be disagreed with.


Why ask a question if you know the answer? 

Why not ask what you mean to ask?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

examp said:


> Thank you for your concern for my 'problems'. Perhaps you can advise me of the correct place which will not 'stress' me out so 'much'.


By all means, carry on. Before long, you'll be on everyone's ignore list, howling in the dark at yourself.

If picking a fight is your raison d'ere, congratulations! You have arrived. You did come here expecting us to simply agree with your premise, right?


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

examp said:


> That wasnt the intention of my original question. It was why they bring their problems here.


A lot of people bring their problems here to get advice. The quality will vary, but it will all be free and if you get one post that solves the problem and one that is plain hateful, it seems you came out ahead.

Others are looking for validation and/or sympathy and occasionally someone is trying to stir the pot.


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## GutShot7 (Aug 2, 2020)

I would say people come here for advice on different situations and to find people who have lived similar situations and what they did to deal with it whether in positive or negative results.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Why do people come here?

It's easy. To get help and to offer help.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

examp said:


> Maybe you misunderstood me. I am referring to what was mentioned on here..like playing video games or the way one eats which dont affect the other directly.


Ah...in that case, I definitely AGREE with you!


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

examp said:


> I wasnt aware only women can explain the wife's perspective or that women would be more likely to. I believe in trying to understand both partners even though I am a 'he' not only the one who posts here. I have already mentioned that it would be a good idea to have a section where both could give their 'complaints' and let us decide and be the judge. It would be a lot cheaper and better than counsellors. I am really surprised it isnt here yet.
> I believe every one of my now regular posts does bring a new perspective I dont just copy or agree to previous ones. You are right the regular posters do have regular responses and that is the clique I refer to based on their experiences. I cant say that my responses arent, but they are usually different to others.


In general, people are more likely to respond to situations that they have personal experience with, especially if they are making definitive statements. The exchange had you seemingly strongly identifying with my wife needing to be needed. Assuming that you were reacting based on personal experience, there are three possibilities 1 from her perspective as a wife, 2 the need to be needed, or 3 both. In 2 out of the 3 possibilities, you'd be a she. It wasn't anything specific in your post that indicated gender but deductive reasoning with false premises.

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I do not understand why you are complaining of cliques. You post, you start new threads, people respond to your posts. 
The only unusual thing is you keep complaining about people not agreeing with you. And criticize posters for what they are posting. If people post about “small” issues is because there are deeper problem underneath and often in the discussion here we help the poster to figure out what is the “real” problem. Most of us try to use empathy and kindness towards others. Sometimes more direct approach is needed.


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## Cup of Tea (Apr 15, 2020)

examp said:


> I had better start a new discussion since my previous one got sidetracked with this question. Do they come to find out if they are right or to be told they are right. Everyone thinks they are always right and never do wrong even me, and even if told by others wont agree and dismiss it. If someone doesnt give all the necessary details even when prompted that is telling why he is here. Another thing wrong. In marriage there is no right and wrong. Two people can be doing all the wrong things and still have a wonderful marriage. Just because one does it right that is no reason to expect the one doing it wrong to change. If because the children shouldnt copy then it may be different..


Its nice to get perspective from a fresh set of eyes, anf honesty from people who aren't emotionally attached to the OP.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

examp said:


> I had better start a new discussion since my previous one got sidetracked with this question. Do they come to find out if they are right or to be told they are right. Everyone thinks they are always right and never do wrong even me, and even if told by others wont agree and dismiss it. If someone doesnt give all the necessary details even when prompted that is telling why he is here. Another thing wrong. In marriage there is no right and wrong. Two people can be doing all the wrong things and still have a wonderful marriage. Just because one does it right that is no reason to expect the one doing it wrong to change. If because the children shouldnt copy then it may be different..


LOL.. I primarily came here to be told I was right about a couple of given situations..sadly. I don't always love all of the constructive criticism, but I accept after a while. But, I also genuinely like to help others, and I try to word my responses with care and compassion (most of the time, but maybe there was a time or two my response was judgemental).


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

examp said:


> That wasnt the intention of my original question. It was why they bring their problems here. Not why they get also get replies.I dont think people bring a problem here just to contradict the replies they get which you would seem to imply if you had understood my original question they way I meant it.. I also dont think anyone brings a problem here wanting to be disagreed with.



Why do YOU think people bring their problems here, hmmm?

Because I'm picking up you just want to create an argument vibe.

But hey, I could be wrong!


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think you've gotten many thoughtful and well written responses here. The question was pretty open and I assumed you were just starting conversation. That's why some people come here.

Some of the most experienced and thoughtful members have given nice replies, but you don't seem to have gotten the response you're seeking. What ARE you seeking. I haven't read any of your other posts.

Most of the posters on this thread joined for .... whatever reason. But they stayed, and continue to post and discuss and question, because they like the conversation and hope to help others. As said, many people going through tough life changes (divorce, abuse, cheating, loss) might not have a support group or sympathetic ear to turn to. So they ask Google, and maybe find this forum.

So again, why did YOU come here?


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

examp said:


> I happen to be a 'he'. Rather surprised that anyone can make that mistake.. I certainly take nothing on here personally, and have yet to find anyone who agrees with me on anything. There is a clique here to which I dont belong.



Yep. That pretty much shut me down from posting.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

What shut you down from posting? Someone also mistook you for the opposite sex? Or you don't feel you belong to a clique? You have like 900 posts.... I think your in the club!


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