# concerned (parent of SO issue)



## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

so Ive been with my bf about year and a half...we spend almost every day together..he has had some health issues that I have been his rock, always there for him and help him out, etc. 

my bf's grandma invited us to a party shes having..the day before the relatives are having an informal dinner and seeing a show..my boyfriend told me that his dad told him if he wants to go, he'll pay his way, but not mine.
?
I dont know what to say to this...not sure how relevant this is, but his dad is older (obviously) and has a pretty decent amount of money. Otoh, I am a single parent and very financially limited in being able to pay for stuff like that.Its not very often at all that I am able to do fun things like that, and it would be a nice treat to be able to. ..It seems like since I am his son's SO, it was inappropriate and rude to only offer to buy his son a ticket..but since he knows i have very limited money, it feels like he was trying to exclude me and just made me feel really disrespected..Im not some girl he met 2 weeks ago.

I was looking forward to going to this party, but since my bf told me what he said, now I feel so devalued and disrespected that I dont really want to even go anymore...I like the grandma, its not her fault, but him excluding me from the show really dampened the whole idea to me.

just trying to decide how I should talk to his dad about this? any ideas on how I could frame it or what context to put it in?

his dad and i have always gotten along fine..he has told my bf he likes and approves of me...the only sense I have of it is over recent months, for some reason I wondered if maybe his dad had some jealousy issue towards me..then I would dismiss the thought. Maybe I had that hunch for a reason.

any advice? I tend to always take the 'nice' route, and not mention or bring stuff up..if I do bring it up, I really water it down and dont express my true hurt about a sitaution. I dont know if other people would feel this way but it seemed like the height of disrespect to me and our relationship


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Is your BF going to go to the show? It might send the right message if he didn't go. He could just tell his dad, "We would love to go, but it's not possible for us financially right now." Keeping it in the plural "we." That way his dad would get the message, either pay for both or pay for neither, either way is fine, but you are a package deal at social occasions.

It could certainly be the case that your BF's dad sees this as a family occasion, and you are not family. This is true: you are NOT family. So, it's up to your BF to send the message that, while you may not be family, he does not attend social functions without you.

I actually had something similar, and I'm married, but it was my dad. I live in Europe with my European husband. My dad lives in the US. He had his 75th birthday recently. My H and I really CANNOT afford two round-trip airfares to the US, it would be thousands of dollars. My dad offered to pay for mine, but not both. It's a huge amount of money for him to be offering, even just the one, and I was sad to miss my dad's 75th birthday, but we couldn't afford to pay even my H's ticket. So neither of us went. We are a package deal. Either we can afford to go together (with us paying or from a gift) or we don't go, end of story. Not everyone sees things the same way. Luckily my father was very understanding and didn't hold it against either of us.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

laelsmom said:


> so Ive been with my bf about year and a half...we spend almost every day together..he has had some health issues that I have been his rock, always there for him and help him out, etc.
> 
> my bf's grandma invited us to a party shes having..the day before the relatives are having an informal dinner and seeing a show..my boyfriend told me that his dad told him if he wants to go, he'll pay his way, but not mine.
> ?
> ...


I would tread carefully. Even though it is thoughtless, it's the dad's money and he can do whatever he wants. A year? Not married? Kind of could make you look greedy. You aren't common-law or engaged, so not to be old fashioned, but you aren't a package deal.
The dad would have been more thoughtful to give a certain amount to 'help' towards tickets rather than single you out. Then you and bf could decide if you both go or he goes.
I wouldn't say anything. Dad is under no obligation to fund you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> I would tread carefully. Even though it is thoughtless, it's the dad's money and he can do whatever he wants. A year? Not married? Kind of could make you look greedy. You aren't common-law or engaged, so not to be old fashioned, but you aren't a package deal.
> The dad would have been more thoughtful to give a certain amount to 'help' towards tickets rather than single you out. Then you and bf could decide if you both go or he goes.
> I wouldn't say anything. Dad is under no obligation to fund you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

I'm with golfergirl. I think that whatever your relationship with your boyfriend may be growing into, it's not there yet, as far as the world at large is concerned. It sounds like you are 110% emotionally invested and committed and don't really understand why everyone else can't see that too, and it's a hard place to be in, I know. 

But what everyone else sees is a nice couple who's been dating for a year or so. As intense as your relationship sounds, there aren't any of those societal benchmarks yet, like getting engaged or married, or even moving in together that tell people outside the two of you that this is something more than just dating.

If anyone has a discussion about this, it's you and your boyfriend and then if he feels strongly about it, he can talk to his father. But really, I think that the real issue is that you're ready to move onto the next step and get engaged/married and until you and your boyfriend find some way to get on the same page about that, things like this are going to keep coming up and becoming bigger and bigger deals as a result of the elephant in the room more than the individual incidents.


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

Im pretty confused-- Im told that you dont need to be married to be regarded as a couple, and that you refer to your bf as your SO, when your in a ltr, and other people should lend basic respect to that...quite a few times I have read posts on here expressing that idea...

then with his dad, he seems to treat me in many situations like family-- his mother, bf's grandma, likes me and has invited me several times to events she wants me to come to...to her bday party she requested I come with bf...so he invited me.

but then...when it comes to dinner and show the day before, Im excluded...:scratchhead:

when his son has had health issues, he sometimes calls or texts me to check and see if I made it into see him...or he will ask me to deliver something to him...or other such things that you do when your considered part of the family...or at least acknowledged as the SO....

So I guess Im just confused, it seems like in some situations I am regarded as family, or at least the SO...then other times I am excluded and treated like an acquaintance....

I value marriage and am pretty old fashioned, I understand its importance...but I think its just common decency to include and lend basic respect to a SO relationship....

on a practical level, his excluding me from the show is making it difficult for us to attend the party now...in a nutshell, because we wont be able to go to the show the day before (its 3 hours away) my bf feels uncomfortable driving down with his dad the day before and then waiting around while they go out to the show...so he wants us to go seperately the next day..its a 3 hr drive, my car isnt in great shape, so we would actually have to take a train down there just to go to the party...

to me its not the money, buying me a ticket to the dinner/show the day before and including me (after all I was requested to go in the first place) is just basic respect. He wants me to be like family for the bday party but exclude me for the event hte day before...it would not be 'funding' me, its not a college education, its a show that would cost $45...he has a decent amount of money, for him its nothing, but for me, 45 is alot and as I said its the principal of the thing that he didnt want to include me, but he DOES want me to show up at his mothers bday party, bc she wants me there...

do you see how I feel confused..either a SO is important, or they're not...i dont know if Im coming or going "come to the bday party 3 hours away, grandma really would like for you to be there...but there will be something the day before, I wont pay for you to be able to go to.." :scratchhead:


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

laelsmom said:


> Im pretty confused-- Im told that you dont need to be married to be regarded as a couple, and that you refer to your bf as your SO, when your in a ltr, and other people should lend basic respect to that...quite a few times I have read posts on here expressing that idea...
> 
> then with his dad, he seems to treat me in many situations like family-- his mother, bf's grandma, likes me and has invited me several times to events she wants me to come to...to her bday party she requested I come with bf...so he invited me.
> 
> ...


Firstly, I didn't get that from first post. I understood your bf was invited for a gathering and his way was paid. Not that there was a weekend of festivities and you were invited to part but not all making it difficult for you to attend as it's 2 days of activities 3 hours away. Could it be an oversite? Grandma saying one thing, dad another?
That said, I'd consider an SO someone you live with making a home and life together. My opinion (not necessarily correct) is it is same as common-law. 
I stand by fact dad should have offered what he could have paid and left if up to bf how he chose to fund outing. I would be uncomfortable asking someone to pay my way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I think that they're being very respectful of your relationship. You're being included in what sounds like a pretty big/special family event and it sounds like they've invited you to all the festivities. 

However, just like you aren't obligated to accept the invitation, they aren't obligated to make your acceptance possible. You haven't been excluded from anything. You've been invited, and sincerely so it sounds like. But now there's a situation being created that SO's family can only win one way. Either they consider your finances and don't invite you. That's hurtful, disrespectful and devaluing. They invite you and leave you to make your own way there, that's also apparently problematic. The only alternative is if they invite you to their party and then cover your expenses for it as well to make sure that you can be there.

Is his father buying the dinner and tickets for all the guests that will be there and just not you? Did he tell you personally any of this, or are you coming to these conclusions from the conversations that your SO repeated to you? 

In the end, the problem isn't with your SO's family. It's with him making it clear that you're either a girl he's dating or a girl he's courting. If he hasn't made it clear to them what the status of your commitment to each other is, then it's hard for them to be consistent about how to include you. Are you one of the "kids" that they automatically include in things like picking up dinners and tickets? Or are you a good family friend? Your SO has to set the tone on this. He has to be the one to say, "oh, were you going to get a ticket for laelsmom, too?" or, "gee, laelsmom and I aren't going to be able to swing it for both of us to go, things are just too tight right now".


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

to me its not the money, buying me a ticket to the dinner/show the day before and including me (after all I was requested to go in the first place) is just basic respect. He wants me to be like family for the bday party but exclude me for the event hte day before...it would not be 'funding' me, its not a college education, its a show that would cost $45...he has a decent amount of money, for him its nothing, but for me, 45 is alot and as I said its the principal of the thing that he didnt want to include me, but he DOES want me to show up at his mothers bday party, bc she wants me there...

do you see how I feel confused..either a SO is important, or they're not...i dont know if Im coming or going "come to the bday party 3 hours away, grandma really would like for you to be there...but there will be something the day before, I wont pay for you to be able to go to.." :scratchhead:[/QUOTE]

I guess if my child's bf or gf felt that way, I'd be pretty stressed that they were out for their benefit. I don't like feeling obligated. If you weren't invited, that's rude. If you were invited and expected them to fund you that's a rude assumption on your part. If bf were truly a SO, this decision to attend and how to fund it would be made jointly. It would be money coming from a joint account.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PrivateTalk (May 27, 2011)

Hello 

I think that you and your SO should talk about just paying for the ticket to get you out there too. you are his girlfriend which is great but his father just wanted to do something nice and pay for his son's ticket, there is no reason that you should be assuming that he would pay yours too or that it was disrespectful for them to not pay for you, you were invited to the festivities the only way that you should not go is if you were litterally told that you were unwanted at the 1st day activities otherwise your fine. You really shouldn't bring up this issue with the father as it really isn't an issue.

I have extreamly well off grandparents but I have never asked or assumed that they will pay my way or my hubbies way for anything, sometimes they have leasened the blow by providing a bit but it was never asked for or *sulked over* for not being more. the fact that his dad payed for even his ticket you should be happy about $45 isn't alot your right but to pay for both of you is $90 why should he be expected to pay that??

*I think that you should look at the blessing he gave you by covering half the costs to you both and just carry on. Remember he's your boyfriends dad not yours even if you were married thinking that he should pay your way too is not right*.


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

i think the heart of the message i was trying to say, i didnt explain it or emphasize it much, and the meaning of it was lost to the issue of money, which is not at all the issue to me...

the issue to me, is that in many or most cases dad of bf anticipates or expects, suggests that i act in a way that is typicallly reserved for close family, s.o., the other half, whatever word you want to call it...
couple quick examples, my bf has health issues..once his dad texted me on a sunday morning asking if i thought it would be a good idea to take him to urgent care for an infection..he wanted or was planing to go to lunch w/ a friend and asked/ suggested i drive him there..i was going to anyways, but point is that is something for family or the s.o. to do, ....other example, he called to ask me the other night if I could stop by to pick up some clothes for him, for the hospital and asked if I mind washing the other ones..I would do this anywaYs, bc I love him, ..he wants us also to move into together but I've hesitated on that bc Im old fashioned, funny I seem to in some peoples minds be 'penalized' for that, bc if I move in with him, then suddenly im more important, when the reality is, I dont want to diminish the importance of it..

i realize im not married to him, but it still doesnt take away from the fact we're a couple

the money has nothing to do with it, its the principal of the thing, even if it was 5 dollars, the point is, if I am treated like his s.o., then I should be and his dad should consistently see/treat us as a couple, 

for him the money is a minute amount, for me it would be alot..considering all Ive done, and things he's asked me to do for his son, it would be just common appreciation to include me in the thing the day before...

anyways i dont plan to pout, or anything like that, i plan to go with bf and have a good time and wish grandma the best,

almost forgot, on a sidenote, one post above really had me puzzled by some comments, some of these things I never said- panda above wrote 'move for your job' _uh, I never even mentioned a job not sure what that is...then 'if he loved you you'd have a ring' -- again, not sure where this assumption came from, I do have a ring...and 'you are not getting married'-- I never have said this, '?? sounds like other posts were mixed in with other posts because none of these, I have ever said...? 
anyways, just wanted to clear up soem of those mistakes
i guess your entitled to your opinion but i've never heard anyone say you need to "live with someone 5/6 years" and date them for 3/4 years, and have children, to be considered family...this struck me as pretty out there...what about couples that are childless for whatever reason ( i do have children, so thats not me, but I feel bad for couples if you dont regard them as legit bc they dont happen to have children)


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Ladybugs said:


> i think the heart of the message i was trying to say, i didnt explain it or emphasize it much, and the meaning of it was lost to the issue of money, which is not at all the issue to me...
> 
> the issue to me, is that in many or most cases dad of bf anticipates or expects, suggests that i act in a way that is typicallly reserved for close family, s.o., the other half, whatever word you want to call it...
> couple quick examples, my bf has health issues..once his dad texted me on a sunday morning asking if i thought it would be a good idea to take him to urgent care for an infection..he wanted or was planing to go to lunch w/ a friend and asked/ suggested i drive him there..i was going to anyways, but point is that is something for family or the s.o. to do, ....other example, he called to ask me the other night if I could stop by to pick up some clothes for him, for the hospital and asked if I mind washing the other ones..I would do this anywaYs, bc I love him, ..he wants us also to move into together but I've hesitated on that bc Im old fashioned, funny I seem to in some peoples minds be 'penalized' for that, bc if I move in with him, then suddenly im more important, when the reality is, I dont want to diminish the importance of it..
> ...


I was dating a man for 3 years. We had keys to each others houses, were included in each other's family events, were each other's next of kin on medical documents. He showed up at my house every day for supper. He talked about our future. He never went closer than that. After a year of the crap (dated 2 - then meaningless talk for 1 year), I ended it. Suddenly all the promises in the world were made to me. But in the meantime I had found emails to other women saying I was just his friend. Make sure your guy isn't just keeping options open because that really stings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

posting an update on this...i didnt know there would be one, but tonight my bf told me that his dad had called him to say that he had "gone ahead and gotten him a ticket anyways",...without asking or checking with him first.

i asked my bf what he told his dad, assuming he told him "sorry dad, i already have plans with ladybugs to go down together the next day on the train..."

but he didnt. he said "i guess i will have to go with my dad now, since he already got the ticket"

i asked "what about me? what about our plans to go on the train the next day"

he said 'well, what shoudl I do? my dad already bought the ticket/."

i pointed out what i thoiught was the obvious answer and said "well, you could tell him sorry, but you already made plans with me..."
he said 'why dont you call my dad and work this out...this is stressing me out, goodnight" and he hung up on me.

i tried to call him back and express to him I was sorry didnt mean to stress him out, I was just hurt bc he had already invited me. Before i could really finish, he said 'goodnight," and hung up

i really dont want to call his dad...i feel like he should tell his dad sorry, and keep the plans he made with me, not ditch me. I certainly will not be found by myself taking a train the next morning for 3 hours down there, if he chooses to ditch me the night before to go with his dad...i mean his grandma likes me and wants me there, but if I am that unimportant and made to take a train by myself the next day, its not worth the humiliation....

maybe i should wish bf a good time and drop it? 
it wont help how i feel towards him and teh relationship..i will feel like he is not standing up for me,. If I have plans with someone, and then someone else asks me to do soemthing, I simply tell them 'sorry, i already have plans with so and so'...its too bad dad decided to go ahead and get a ticket, but that falls back on him, doesnt it? He bought it w/o at least double checking first...i think he did it for that reason so that bf would feel he has to go


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Ladybugs said:


> posting an update on this...i didnt know there would be one, but tonight my bf told me that his dad had called him to say that he had "gone ahead and gotten him a ticket anyways",...without asking or checking with him first.
> 
> i asked my bf what he told his dad, assuming he told him "sorry dad, i already have plans with ladybugs to go down together the next day on the train..."
> 
> ...


I guess bf made it obvious who he is ok upsetting. 
If it were me, I would stay home and call grandma with my regrets. I would mention nothing of the tickets, money etc., just that you are unable to attend.
I would read up on 'Manning Up' and 'Nice Guy' references. Sounds like you do a lot and don't get the recognition or respect you deserve. Maybe they need to realize how much you do for bf and load you take off family during his illnesses etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

hi panda--

i didnt think you were being mean...i just wanted to clarify the stuff that had been mixed up w/ another posters, like the move for your job and ring comment, stuff that didnt apply, I just wanted to clear it up, didnt want to have my stuff confused w someone elses

to be honest i didnt understand why you felt someone needs to be living together for 5/6 years, dated for 3/4 years, to be considered a couple..
everyone has their own ideas but that seems like an awfully long time to have to be with someone before being considered a s.o.
when my brother and his now gf had been a couple for about 6-8 months, around there, is when my parents started to include her in stuff..if they were in town, and my parents were having a dinner, they wouldnt just invite my brother, they realized she's part of him, and extended the invite to the both of them..i also after they had been together around that long, maybe a bit longer, maybe lilke 10 months or something, but after around that time, i would always make a point of lending respect to their relationship as a couple. I remember when a holiday rolled around, and they'd been together a while, i wrote "Dear john and Debbie" with my message, since I knew they'd be spending it in some large part, together.

it sounds like youve been in the same boat, and understand what its like to at times have your relationship diminished bc your not legaly married...ironicaly I am very old fashioned and traditional adn I think marriage is very important...but with that said, I still believe its just common decency to lend respect to a persons relationship...
i guess I try to be considerate of others, i need to have a thicker skin i suppose and realize not everyoen wants to do that, for various reasons-- sometimes just out of being socially dense, sometimes maybe out of bitterness, or jealousy, whatever the case is, not everyone extends the same respect that I lend to them and their respective relationships...


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## PrivateTalk (May 27, 2011)

It sounds like he's not as commited to this relationship as you are and that's sad. I wouldn't take the 3 hour trip by myself the very next day, just call the grandma and send her regards that you can't be there don't get into details why, if your SO doesn't see anything wrong with the way this turned out perhaps you should re-evaluate why you consider him your "SO" although you have been by him for this year and helped him through alot he may not feel as close to you as you want and he may have expressed that to some of his family.

Either way they didn't get you a ticket and that's fine its not there obligation to do so but you should look at how your SO reacted, now that is what is truly important.

Good Luck


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