# Can we reconcile? Is it possible?



## ravenkitty

Hi all, my husband and I got married about 11 months ago.
Sorry if this is long. I don’t want to miss a single point. You may ask questions if I missed anything.

Prior to getting married, we were together for 2 years and 3 months.

About a week ago, I got upset with my husband, (something small, no cheating involved, just a disagreement) the day went on, he decided he needed a breather, and wanted to drive to his parents house. I ask him, why? Can we talk about it? He says I just need to go think and drive. I say ok, that’s fine. I cry during this time, he has never done this. He proceeds to take some clothes and takes our wedding photo and other photos of us. He says he will come back home he just doesn’t know when. I hold on to that.

I come to find out he wants to get an apartment. I ask him about it and he says it was suppose to be for us. I say ok, that’s ok, can we talk about it? He says i’m not gonna get it, I can’t afford it. I say it’s ok. and he hangs up.

Later that night I call him around 2 am. He answers immediately, we say we miss each other and love each other. But he said his mind is on divorce, he doesn’t know why. I ask him to come home the next day so we can talk about it in person. He agrees.

The next day comes he still has his mind set on divorce. I say please, can you have an open mind and be open to my suggestions? This is because he is saying he is stressed, he wants to be alone and do things alone. He doesn’t want his problems to be mine. I reassure him that we’re a team and he’s never alone in this. We talk about solutions, he still wants a divorce. He doesn’t say the real reason, just insisting it’s stress from work and money.

We come back home so he can get a few more things, my mom confronts him. I understand I should’ve stood up to him, I was too upset that he was thinking like that. I regret that so much. At the end of their conversation, he leaves and leaves his keys behind. Takes off his location and drives off. I don’t hear from him the entire day.

I’m a wreck during this time. He’s my bubba, my love. I don’t understand why he can’t have an honest conversation with me.

Next day, I call my cousin (he’s like a brother to me, we grew up together as the only child in our family) hysterically crying. He comes by, I tell him everything. He’s starts to worry, he loved us together. He wanted to help and hear his side of the story. He loves my husband, he is a part of the family now. He messages him asking if he’s ok and what’s going on. He asks where he is so that his wife (me) knows everything was ok during the night. He then ignores those messages and calls my phone. I can’t answer (which I should’ve) I’m not ok at this point, I’m crying not being able to say anything. My cousin takes the phone. Talks to him and ask if he still loves me and my husband says of course I still love her. I don’t want her to suffer with my problems. He just wants to be alone. He says he will call me later when he’s ready.

I wait for the day and no call from him.

Next day rolls, gossip goes around and my family knows. I continue to cry for him, calling out to him. This isn’t like him at all. My uncle texts him and calls him. He just wants to make sure how he is doing. He cares for him so much.

I find out what hotel he’s at, I decide to go and see if I can find him. I find his car, his door was wide open. But no one was there, his clothes were there and all. I found this very scary and concerned. He is not like that at all, he always locks his car. I talk to hotel but they can’t give me anything. They check his room and they say he’s not there and everything was normal.

I’m concerned for him, if he’s not gonna talk to me, I call the person he will talk to. I call his mom and see if she knows anything. She doesn’t. I tell her only what I know. She says ok I will call him and let you know of anything. She says she loves me and sees me as a daughter. We hang up.

I call his coworker who he’s been getting closer with. He answers and says he doesn’t know anything. He last spoke to him on their work day. That was a lie according to our phone logs. Anyways, he doesn’t say anything. I move on

My husband then calls me, lashing out and telling me to stop. To stop everyone from calling him or he will block everyone. He’s lashing out and talking fast that he wants a divorce, he’s not inlove with me, he’s gonna take me off everything. I say please talk to me. He refuses. He hangs up.

I call his mom to see if she can take his stuff he will need. She doesn’t answer. I find out she blocked me and so did his dad.

Time goes by, he deletes me off everything. As if I didn’t exist.

He’s still logged in on a phone that we have at home, I see his bank statements. He spending so much money on food at restaurants. And he needed a hotel to stay at so that was understandable. He doesn’t talk to me for the rest of the week. My mind is starting to go to a dark place and saying he’s with someone else. But he isn’t like that at all, Has never been even in his old relationships.

He continues to spend more money. I believe now, he’s found a place to rent. A room, with other roommates at a random house. And no word from him. He’s going out to a bar and such. I found this out last night. I’m scared i’m loosing him slowly.

My therapist believes we can work this out, it won’t be easy. I need to be strong enough. She is a marriage therapist as well and understands what we’re going through.
She is trying a method of contacting him and seeing if he will talk to her to hear him out. He doesn’t answer or anything.

What do you think? Is there a chance he will talk to me again? Or even consider us reconciling? Do I give him more space and not contact him?


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## bobert

ravenkitty said:


> Hi all, my husband and I got married about 11 months ago.
> Sorry if this is long. I don’t want to miss a single point. You may ask questions if I missed anything.
> Prior to getting married, we were together for 2 years and 3 months.
> About a week ago, I got upset with my husband, (something small, no cheating involved, just a disagreement) the day went on, he decided he needed a breather, and wanted to drive to his parents house. I ask him, why? Can we talk about it? He says I just need to go think and drive. I say ok, that’s fine. I cry during this time, he has never done this. He proceeds to take some clothes and takes our wedding photo and other photos of us. He says he will come back home he just doesn’t know when. I hold on to that.
> I come to find out he wants to get an apartment. I ask him about it and he says it was suppose to be for us. I say ok, that’s ok, can we talk about it? He says i’m not gonna get it, I can’t afford it. I say it’s ok. and he hangs up.
> 
> Later that night I call him around 2 am. He answers immediately, we say we miss each other and love each other. But he said his mind is on divorce, he doesn’t know why. I ask him to come home the next day so we can talk about it in person. He agrees.
> The next day comes he still has his mind set on divorce. I say please, can you have an open mind and be open to my suggestions? This is because he is saying he is stressed, he wants to be alone and do things alone. He doesn’t want his problems to be mine. I reassure him that we’re a team and he’s never alone in this. We talk about solutions, he still wants a divorce. He doesn’t say the real reason, just insisting it’s stress from work and money.
> We come back home so he can get a few more things, my mom confronts him. I understand I should’ve stood up to him, I was too upset that he was thinking like that. I regret that so much. At the end of their conversation, he leaves and leaves his keys behind. Takes off his location and drives off. I don’t hear from him the entire day.
> I’m a wreck during this time. He’s my bubba, my love. I don’t understand why he can’t have an honest conversation with me.
> 
> Next day, I call my cousin (he’s like a brother to me, we grew up together as the only child in our family) hysterically crying. He comes by, I tell him everything. He’s starts to worry, he loved us together. He wanted to help and hear his side of the story. He loves my husband, he is a part of the family now. He messages him asking if he’s ok and what’s going on. He asks where he is so that his wife (me) knows everything was ok during the night. He then ignores those messages and calls my phone. I can’t answer (which I should’ve) I’m not ok at this point, I’m crying not being able to say anything. My cousin takes the phone. Talks to him and ask if he still loves me and my husband says of course I still love her. I don’t want her to suffer with my problems. He just wants to be alone. He says he will call me later when he’s ready.
> I wait for the day and no call from him.
> 
> Next day rolls, gossip goes around and my family knows. I continue to cry for him, calling out to him. This isn’t like him at all. My uncle texts him and calls him. He just wants to make sure how he is doing. He cares for him so much.
> I find out what hotel he’s at, I decide to go and see if I can find him. I find his car, his door was wide open. But no one was there, his clothes were there and all. I found this very scary and concerned. He is not like that at all, he always locks his car. I talk to hotel but they can’t give me anything. They check his room and they say he’s not there and everything was normal.
> 
> I’m concerned for him, if he’s not gonna talk to me, I call the person he will talk to. I call his mom and see if she knows anything. She doesn’t. I tell her only what I know. She says ok I will call him and let you know of anything. She says she loves me and sees me as a daughter. We hang up.
> 
> I call his coworker who he’s been getting closer with. He answers and says he doesn’t know anything. He last spoke to him on their work day. That was a lie according to our phone logs. Anyways, he doesn’t say anything. I move on
> 
> My husband then calls me, lashing out and telling me to stop. To stop everyone from calling him or he will block everyone. He’s lashing out and talking fast that he wants a divorce, he’s not inlove with me, he’s gonna take me off everything. I say please talk to me. He refuses. He hangs up.
> 
> I call his mom to see if she can take his stuff he will need. She doesn’t answer. I find out she blocked me and so did his dad.
> 
> Time goes by, he deletes me off everything. As if I didn’t exist.
> He’s still logged in on a phone that we have at home, I see his bank statements. He spending so much money on food at restaurants. And he needed a hotel to stay at so that was understandable. He doesn’t talk to me for the rest of the week. My mind is starting to go to a dark place and saying he’s with someone else. But he isn’t like that at all, Has never been even in his old relationships.
> He continues to spend more money. I believe now, he’s found a place to rent. A room, with other roommates at a random house. And no word from him. He’s going out to a bar and such. I found this out last night. I’m scared i’m loosing him slowly.
> 
> My therapist believes we can work this out, it won’t be easy. I need to be strong enough. She is a marriage therapist as well and understands what we’re going through.
> She is trying a method of contacting him and seeing if he will talk to her to hear him out. He doesn’t answer or anything.
> 
> What do you think? Is there a chance he will talk to me again? Or even consider us reconciling? Do I give him more space and not contact him?


This honestly sounds like you are suffocating him... He leaves the house and you have your family, his family, coworkers, even your therapist all reach out, when you know he doesn't want to talk to you. You have a therapist so that's great, but whatever issues led to this maybe have very well pushed him away. 

It's not a guaranteed lost cause but the background here matters and is important for advice. If you have mental health issues, that matters. If he thinks you suffocate him (whether you agree or not), that matters. 

Your therapist is looking out for your best interests, not your husband's. Unless you have had joint sessions, the therapist doesn't know his side - only your interpretation of his side. Keep that in mind. Also, if you therapist is acting as your individual therapist AND you'd marriage therapist, that's a pretty big no-no.


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## D0nnivain

If you stop pestering him & everybody else, he will eventually talk to you again. Your family needs to stay out it. From his perspective it looks like you are airing all of your dirty laundry & painting him as the bad guy, getting your family to gang up on him. Calling is co-worker was a dreadful lapse in judgment. I'd be furious with you for that alone. 

Apologize to him for all of that. Never do it again. Thank every member of your family you unwisely blabbed to & tell them off you were wrong & they should back off. Learn to keep your own counsel. 

My 1st year of marriage was very hard. I had not yet learned how to function as a team. Sounds like your guy could use some help there too. But you can't force the issue. 

When he reaches out to you next, tell him you love him & want the marriage to work. Ask him what it would take for him to be happy still married. Within reason give him what he asks for. You don't have to agree to an open marriage but if he says he need an hour a day of quiet time or a man cave, find a way to make that happen. 

Going forward never discuss your marital woes with anybody other than him or your therapist. Get everybody else out of this equation.


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## ThatDarnGuy!

It really sounds like he is suffering from some kind of mental health issue like depression or bipolar disorder and he is trying to fight it alone..... Him saying he doesn't want her to deal with his problems is a clue.

I agree with the other poster that she is suffocating him. But at the same time, I understand the fear and mixed emotions she is experiencing.

I would recommend approaching him in a neutral manner and say just talk to me and let me know what is wrong and let's solve this together. Offer to go to a mental health professional with him. Just reassure him you care and whatever he says stays between you two and the professional...... But I can tell you really care


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## bobert

D0nnivain said:


> When he reaches out to you next, tell him you love him & want the marriage to work. Ask him what it would take for him to be happy still married. Within reason give him what he asks for. You don't have to agree to an open marriage but if he says he need an hour a day of quiet time or a man cave, find a way to make that happen.


But don't expect or pry for an answer right away. He may need time to think or give a better answer. Also, don't argue with his reasoning or try to convince him otherwise (assuming he isn't asking for something like an open marriage). Just listen.


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## ravenkitty

D0nnivain said:


> If you stop pestering him & everybody else, he will eventually talk to you again. Your family needs to stay out it. From his perspective it looks like you are airing all of your dirty laundry & painting him as the bad guy, getting your family to gang up on him. Calling is co-worker was a dreadful lapse in judgment. I'd be furious with you for that alone.
> 
> Apologize to him for all of that. Never do it again. Thank every member of your family you unwisely blabbed to & tell them off you were wrong & they should back off. Learn to keep your own counsel.
> 
> My 1st year of marriage was very hard. I had not yet learned how to function as a team. Sounds like your guy could use some help there too. But you can't force the issue.
> 
> When he reaches out to you next, tell him you love him & want the marriage to work. Ask him what it would take for him to be happy still married. Within reason give him what he asks for. You don't have to agree to an open marriage but if he says he need an hour a day of quiet time or a man cave, find a way to make that happen.
> 
> Going forward never discuss your marital woes with anybody other than him or your therapist. Get everybody else out of this equation.


I hear you. I know I messed up at the beginning. It should've stayed between us. I told them to all stop, they listened. 
We don't have privacy where we live. We live with my birthgiver and her other renters. We would go on walks to talk things through since we didn't have privacy in our room. Which brings another reason why I believe he is stressed in this marriage. He mentions he wants to take us out of here, but he believes he can't do it. He thinks because we're still here, he isn't doing enough for us. I reassure him, it will be hard, but we need to work together to save that money and get out of here. It's going to take some time, yes, but we will eventually get out of here. I feel like he's lost hope in this. 
My family all found out because they were here when it happened. The only person I told personally was my cousin. But I understand where he wants nothing to do with me, because everyone was messaging him. I was wrong there and many other things. It's been 6 days since we last spoke. Everyday, I hope he texts so I can apologize. I never once blamed him for anything. 
At the moment I know he doesn't want to talk to me. I'm going to wait until he contacts me. But how long should I let it go for? That's my only question....


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## ravenkitty

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> It really sounds like he is suffering from some kind of mental health issue like depression or bipolar disorder and he is trying to fight it alone..... Him saying he doesn't want her to deal with his problems is a clue.
> 
> I agree with the other poster that she is suffocating him. But at the same time, I understand the fear and mixed emotions she is experiencing.
> 
> I would recommend approaching him in a neutral manner and say just talk to me and let me know what is wrong and let's solve this together. Offer to go to a mental health professional with him. Just reassure him you care and whatever he says stays between you two and the professional...... But I can tell you really care


I also believe he is suffering from a mental health issue. He's never had to before, he looked like he was freaking out and didn't know how to handle things. I told him to talk to me, I'm here to listen, I know how it feels, it feels like there's nothing at the end and you're doing all this and not seeing any progress. He took on a full time job at a factory before we got married, and that's a lot of labor. He stopped taking his breaks this year and doesn't eat very well at lunch. He works 12 hours a day for 4 to 5 days. He sometimes signs up for overtime since money wasn't enough, with all the prices going up. He's exhausted I can see that, on my part, I don't think I did enough to help him there. 
I worry about him so much. I don't know if I should approach him first, or wait until he comes to me. I'm afraid he'll think I don't care, but I'm giving him the space he wants. I'm stuck.


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## ravenkitty

bobert said:


> But don't expect or pry for an answer right away. He may need time to think or give a better answer. Also, don't argue with his reasoning or try to convince him otherwise (assuming he isn't asking for something like an open marriage). Just listen.


Of course, I expect to be left on read. I know he's angry at me for how it happened. I would never argue with him, I want to listen to what he says, he deserves it. Being alone this week, I've done a lot of reflexing on how I messed up and how I could've done things better. It's too late for that, but I can certainly change my ways for my self and my husband if he decides to come back.


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## bobert

ravenkitty said:


> I also believe he is suffering from a mental health issue. He's never had to before, he looked like he was freaking out and didn't know how to handle things. I told him to talk to me, I'm here to listen, I know how it feels, it feels like there's nothing at the end and you're doing all this and not seeing any progress. He took on a full time job at a factory before we got married, and that's a lot of labor. He stopped taking his breaks this year and doesn't eat very well at lunch. He works 12 hours a day for 4 to 5 days. He sometimes signs up for overtime since money wasn't enough, with all the prices going up. He's exhausted I can see that, on my part, I don't think I did enough to help him there.
> I worry about him so much. I don't know if I should approach him first, or wait until he comes to me. I'm afraid he'll think I don't care, but I'm giving him the space he wants. I'm stuck.


Are you working? Full-time, part-time?


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## ravenkitty

bobert said:


> Are you working? Full-time, part-time?


Yes I work, full time


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## ThatDarnGuy!

ravenkitty said:


> Yes I work, full time


If both of you work full time, why aren't you two able to have your own place? With as much as you say he works along with you working full time, getting a basic 1 or 2 bedroom apartment shouldn't be any issue...... Are you guys in serious debt or tied down with high car payments, etc?


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## bobert

ravenkitty said:


> Yes I work, full time


Have you sat down with him to figure out a plan for getting your own place? He sounds like he really needs to see a clear path forward.


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## D0nnivain

Presumably you know where he is living. Send him a snail mail paper apology card through the mail. 

Include in there a concrete plan for you & him to live somewhere other than where you are now with no privacy.


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## ravenkitty

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> If both of you work full time, why aren't you two able to have your own place? With as much as you say he works along with you working full time, getting a basic 1 or 2 bedroom apartment shouldn't be any issue...... Are you guys in serious debt or tied down with high car payments, etc?


We live in the SF Bay Area. We didn't have a wedding, so we can save that money up for a house. We were trying to look for a place, at least a 1 bedroom apt, everything is so expensive. We applied to one but we didn't qualify. That set us back. Especially having to find a place that's near our jobs. The furthest we decided was about 45 min away from our jobs. 
In 2020 we both got laid off. In 2021 we started using cc's, some got maxed, have two car payments, and our insurance recently went up, and food to put on the table. Plus we have a pet. 
We got married that year, despite knowing all of this, we had a plan. We divided everything equally so we can pay them down sooner. When we got back on our feet, door dash became a problem. We kept using it and that drained our accounts by a lot. That's when he started doing overtime. Stressed, getting white hairs on his black hair. I worried about him, I told him not to over do it too much, his health matters too. That comes first. We had some money still, but he thought it wasn't enough.


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## ravenkitty

D0nnivain said:


> Presumably you know where he is living. Send him a snail mail paper apology card through the mail.
> 
> Include in there a concrete plan for you & him to live somewhere other than where you are now with no privacy.


He mentioned he was at a hotel last week, but didn't say where. I'm not sure if he's still there. Hotels are expensive. I don't know where he currently is.


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## D0nnivain

SF is a HCOL area. It may be time to get creative in your finances. Can you get by with one car? Can you sell both cars & buy used (assuming you can find used)? I love my dog & this is hard for me to even say but a pet is a luxury & right now it's one that you two can't really afford. 

When you talk to your husband again, you best have concrete financial plans. Maybe those plans have to include both of you relocating to a lower cost of living area.


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## Rob_1

ravenkitty said:


> What do you think? Is there a chance he will talk to me again? Or even consider us reconciling? Do I give him more space and not contact him?





ravenkitty said:


> I also believe he is suffering from a mental health issue.



You also need to start facing reality, and prepare for it. regardless of whatever his problems are, emotional, mental, cowardice, whatever; you must start preparing for a possible dissolution of the marriage also, not just trying to find a way to keep it together. It will be to your own mental and emotional benefit. Having said that if it turns up that he has mental illness, then, the smart thing to do is to end the marriage. I don't think you have an inkling of what being married to a person that suffers from mental illness consist of. Moreover, if that's the case (I'm not saying that that is), you must think of procreating with a person that has mental illness. Do you want to take the chance of him passing on his genes to your progeny? would you like to take the chance of your progeny inheriting his mental illness? 
You must be realistic here. I know how hard it can be, but you need to think of yourself also. And please, do not contact him at all. Hold yourself together and regain some control. NO CONTACT. once he contacts you and meet, if he does, then, you need to analyze what's at stake for you going forward and proceed accordingly. Be smart, be proactive and protect yourself. you don't want a yo-yo relationship.


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## ravenkitty

D0nnivain said:


> SF is a HCOL area. It may be time to get creative in your finances. Can you get by with one car? Can you sell both cars & buy used (assuming you can find used)? I love my dog & this is hard for me to even day but a pet is a luxury & right now it's one that you two can't really afford.
> 
> When you talk to your husband again, you best have concrete financial plans. Maybe those plans have to include both of you relocating to a lower cost of living area.


We live across the bridge, not in SF. Around it, regardless it's still expensive. I believe we can get by with one car. He's at his work all day, and I could drop him off and picked him up after or he can do that for me. 
My dad offered us a used car but it's on the brink of death. I also did some reflexing on our pet, we have cat, but it's still maintenance. I was going to offer to give him to my dad so he can still be in the family. 

I agree, I'm going to mention moving to a cheaper area. This place isn't for us, we can't afford it on our own yet.


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## ThatDarnGuy!

ravenkitty said:


> We live in the SF Bay Area. We didn't have a wedding, so we can save that money up for a house. We were trying to look for a place, at least a 1 bedroom apt, everything is so expensive. We applied to one but we didn't qualify. That set us back. Especially having to find a place that's near our jobs. The furthest we decided was about 45 min away from our jobs.
> In 2020 we both got laid off. In 2021 we started using cc's, some got maxed, have two car payments, and our insurance recently went up, and food to put on the table. Plus we have a pet.
> We got married that year, despite knowing all of this, we had a plan. We divided everything equally so we can pay them down sooner. When we got back on our feet, door dash became a problem. We kept using it and that drained our accounts by a lot. That's when he started doing overtime. Stressed, getting white hairs on his black hair. I worried about him, I told him not to over do it too much, his health matters too. That comes first. We had some money still, but he thought it wasn't enough.


I really hope you guys pull through this. It sounds like finances and spending habits are a huge source of stress on your marriage.

I highly suggest you guys move out of that state. The cost of living is absolutely insane there. Where I am, you can get a basic home in a decent area for under 100k. Heck, you can get a home on an island that is walking distance to beautiful beaches for 400k lol.

I also highly recommend Financial Peace University by Dave Ramsey. I think you guys need to get away from these payments as it's creating stress that is killing you guys. People these days seem to view car payments, credit cards, and loans as something that is needed. It's all garbage financial products. I promise you, that 1% Cashback crap means absolutely nothing when you live a life with no payments.

If you guys manage to work things out. I suggest evaluating your finances together to come up with a reasonable plan. Also get rid of the cars with payments. But if the debt is enough that it leaves you to where you can't eat, or pay basic necessities, see an attorney about chapter 7 for a fresh start and get rid of this burden.


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## Anastasia6

So when you see all the charges for hotel and food. Does the food cover two people?
Many people who want space or separation have someone else on the side.


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## *Deidre*

Unfortunately, I lean in thinking the same as @Anastasia6

The lashing out, the extreme anger, telling you he doesn't love you, etc. Could be a mental health issue or feeling utterly overwhelmed with the stressors that you have listed - but I'd step back and start doing a little due diligence - look at your cell phone records, check bank statements online, credit cards, etc. May be absolutely nothing there, but it's worth a check.

My concern is more of your reaction though, this panicked feeling kicked in and you drew everyone you know into the problem. You've addressed that above, but I think you need some time alone too...to process through all the stress and mayhem of the drama that unfolded.

I hope you both can work things out, but I'd step back, take a breath, and do a little research on your own to make sure there's absolutely no one else. If there's totally nothing there, then abandon that idea, and work on your marriage. And yes, I think it could be worth saving, but I don't know all the ins and outs of your situation, only what you've shared. It's definitely worth seeking counseling and a professional will be able to get to the heart of the issue.


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## ravenkitty

Anastasia6 said:


> So when you see all the charges for hotel and food. Does the food cover two people?
> Many people who want space or separation have someone else on the side.


I hate to even think about it, but yes. It seems like the amount is for more than 1 person. It's mostly restaurants. Prior to us meeting, he was more of a restaurant guy than a fast food. 
I'm putting aside that there's someone else. I'm not trying to be in denial. He was never like that, he is loyal and trustworthy. He respects his mom, he's seen how women should be treated with respect and love. 
He didn't hide anything from me, and would even show me interesting conversations he's had with guy friends. He works at a mostly male place, there's very few women. And they're not in his area anyways. He reassured me everything was ok and there wasn't anybody giving him that kind of attention. He would call me throughout the day also. He calls me because there's been deaths at his work place due to the machinery and random shootings in the parking lot. I get worried, so he calls me to let me know he's ok. 
In his last relationship, he was with them for about 3 years. He took a year off dating because he wasn't ready. I'm hoping there isn't someone else. He isn't that kind of guy, but it's unclear, I don't want to believe there is :/


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## *Deidre*

While you're still married, you have every right if you share bank accounts to ask who he had dinner with, and where he ate. If he calls you crazy and refuses to answer, if he starts all that ranting and raving again...there could unfortunately be someone else. I've read enough threads on this forum to see how cheating begins, and almost nearly all of the threads have the same theme - the wife/husband never saw it coming. Couldn't imagine it. Husband/wife would never do that, etc...

I'm not saying angry spouses can't cool off for a period, and it may all just be that - but you can't rule anything out when someone is asking you for a divorce, almost out of nowhere it seems.


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## ravenkitty

*Deidre* said:


> Unfortunately, I lean in thinking the same as @Anastasia6
> 
> The lashing out, the extreme anger, telling you he doesn't love you, etc. Could be a mental health issue or feeling utterly overwhelmed with the stressors that you have listed - but I'd step back and start doing a little due diligence - look at your cell phone records, check bank statements online, credit cards, etc. May be absolutely nothing there, but it's worth a check.
> 
> My concern is more of your reaction though, this panicked feeling kicked in and you drew everyone you know into the problem. You've addressed that above, but I think you need some time alone too...to process through all the stress and mayhem of the drama that unfolded.
> 
> I hope you both can work things out, but I'd step back, take a breath, and do a little research on your own to make sure there's absolutely no one else. If there's totally nothing there, then abandon that idea, and work on your marriage. And yes, I think it could be worth saving, but I don't know all the ins and outs of your situation, only what you've shared. It's definitely worth seeking counseling and a professional will be able to get to the heart of the issue.


Yes, I've been stepping back and letting him do his thing. What he's done is get rid of every photo of us, unfollowing me, deleting me off his shopping websites we would use. I've been checking our phone logs since I'm the primary user. I'm unable to see iCloud messages and calls. Bank statements is all I can see, I see large amount of withdraw, but I assume it's for deposit for an apartment, or room to rent. Lots of money spent on restaurants, and at a pool bar. 

He left his email logged in on my laptop and dings with a new email. I did see he got invited to a YouTube group. I thought it was his sister, but it wasn't. They just have the same name. Other people got invited to that group as well. I think he was able to rent a room with them. 

I did panic, and I regret that. This has never happened before, I don't want to loose him over a disagreement. We've always kept our problems to ourselves. But since we live with other people, they heard us and gossiped to the other household members which led to my birthgiver knowing and confronting us about it. It was uncalled for. But I didn't step in on time. I'm stepping back with having no contact with him and letting him come to me when he's ready. More than anything I want to apologize to him for how things went down. But I know I'll be ignored or blocked.


----------



## *Deidre*

ravenkitty said:


> Yes, I've been stepping back and letting him do his thing. What he's done is get rid of every photo of us, unfollowing me, deleting me off his shopping websites we would use. I've been checking our phone logs since I'm the primary user. I'm unable to see iCloud messages and calls. Bank statements is all I can see, I see large amount of withdraw, but I assume it's for deposit for an apartment, or room to rent. Lots of money spent on restaurants, and at a pool bar.
> 
> He left his email logged in on my laptop and dings with a new email. I did see he got invited to a YouTube group. I thought it was his sister, but it wasn't. They just have the same name. Other people got invited to that group as well. I think he was able to rent a room with them.
> 
> I did panic, and I regret that. This has never happened before, I don't want to loose him over a disagreement. We've always kept our problems to ourselves. But since we live with other people, they heard us and gossiped to the other household members which led to my birthgiver knowing and confronting us about it. It was uncalled for. But I didn't step in on time. I'm stepping back with having no contact with him and letting him come to me when he's ready. More than anything I want to apologize to him for how things went down. But I know I'll be ignored or blocked.


Don't beat yourself up too much - he should see how regretful you are, but if there is a lot to this backstory and he's perhaps 'fed up,' I can understand that. People sometimes just need space. But, unfollowing you, lots of money spent in restaurants, and the YouTube thing...I hope it's nothing too, but it could be the beginning of something.

Don't let yourself get lost in being so afraid of losing him, that you lose yourself. Take care of yourself. Easier said than done I know, but sleep, eat healthy...take care of yourself. And if something seems off, it's usually because it is. Don't ignore those gut feelings. Follow them.


----------



## Anastasia6

ravenkitty said:


> Yes, I've been stepping back and letting him do his thing. What he's done is get rid of every photo of us, unfollowing me, deleting me off his shopping websites we would use. I've been checking our phone logs since I'm the primary user. I'm unable to see iCloud messages and calls. Bank statements is all I can see, I see large amount of withdraw, but I assume it's for deposit for an apartment, or room to rent. Lots of money spent on restaurants, and at a pool bar.
> 
> He left his email logged in on my laptop and dings with a new email. I did see he got invited to a YouTube group. I thought it was his sister, but it wasn't. They just have the same name. Other people got invited to that group as well. I think he was able to rent a room with them.
> 
> I did panic, and I regret that. This has never happened before, I don't want to loose him over a disagreement. We've always kept our problems to ourselves. But since we live with other people, they heard us and gossiped to the other household members which led to my birthgiver knowing and confronting us about it. It was uncalled for. But I didn't step in on time. I'm stepping back with having no contact with him and letting him come to me when he's ready. More than anything I want to apologize to him for how things went down. But I know I'll be ignored or blocked.


Ok deleting you off all social media is also a sign of cheating or moving on.

No most don't just leave from a disagreement. So if he isn't looking at someone new that means there has been building resentment. 

People though often times don't leave one relationship until they have at least their eye on another. His behaviors are more than one red flag. It certainly seems as if he's 'out' right now. Will he decide to come back, don't know. That often times depends on if he's dating.

I wouldn't ask him. Cheaters just lie. Look at phone records, the credit card or debit records and such.


----------



## Diana7

ravenkitty said:


> We live across the bridge, not in SF. Around it, regardless it's still expensive. I believe we can get by with one car. He's at his work all day, and I could drop him off and picked him up after or he can do that for me.
> My dad offered us a used car but it's on the brink of death. I also did some reflexing on our pet, we have cat, but it's still maintenance. I was going to offer to give him to my dad so he can still be in the family.
> 
> I agree, I'm going to mention moving to a cheaper area. This place isn't for us, we can't afford it on our own yet.


I live in the UK and I know several couples who moved to a cheaper part of the country because housing etc was so much cheaper.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

So you have an argument, and out of the blue he packs some of his stuff and *LEAVES*, claiming he's going to his mother's house and "doesn't know when he'll be back?" And the advice you're getting here is to send this guy a card to _APOLOGIZE_ because he *disappeared* and you were panicking and contacting anyone you could to find out what's going on?

*Seriously???? 




I come to find out he wants to get an apartment. I ask him about it and he says it was suppose to be for us. I say ok, that’s ok, can we talk about it? He says i’m not gonna get it, I can’t afford it. I say it’s ok. and he hangs up.

Click to expand...

*So it goes from needing to run to mommy's house to do some _"thinking"_ to wanting to move into his own apartment???? Golly, I can see why this is all YOUR fault and why YOU should send that apology card right away. 🤪 🤪 🤪 Unreal.

He then tells you he wants a divorce. I have a pretty good suspicion as to why.

*



I talk to hotel but they can’t give me anything. They check his room and they say he’s not there and everything was normal.

Click to expand...

*So he wasn't in his car and wasn't in his hotel room. Hmmm. I wonder where he'd gone off to?

*



He’s still logged in on a phone that we have at home, I see his bank statements. He spending so much money on food at restaurants.

Click to expand...

*Now why would that be - unless he was treating someone else to meals as well?

*



My therapist believes we can work this out, it won’t be easy. I need to be strong enough. She is a marriage therapist as well and understands what we’re going through.
She is trying a method of contacting him and seeing if he will talk to her to hear him out. He doesn’t answer or anything.

Click to expand...

*I think your therapist needs to explain to you that you need to manage your expectations. And while she's at it, she needs to manger HERS as well.

I don't think for one minute he's having a 'mental breakdown.' Not for a second.

You need to start doing some serious digging.


----------



## ThatDarnGuy!

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So you have an argument, and out of the blue he packs some of his stuff and *LEAVES*, claiming he's going to his mother's house and "doesn't know when he'll be back?" And the advice you're getting here is to send this guy a card to _APOLOGIZE_ because he *disappeared* and you were panicking and contacting anyone you could to find out what's going on?
> 
> *Seriously???? *
> 
> 
> So it goes from needing to run to mommy's house to do some _"thinking"_ to wanting to move into his own apartment???? Golly, I can see why this is all YOUR fault and why YOU should send that apology card right away. 🤪 🤪 🤪 Unreal.
> 
> He then tells you he wants a divorce. I have a pretty good suspicion as to why.
> 
> 
> So he wasn't in his car and wasn't in his hotel room. Hmmm. I wonder where he'd gone off to?
> 
> 
> Now why would that be - unless he was treating someone else to meals as well?
> 
> 
> I think your therapist needs to explain to you that you need to manage your expectations. And while she's at it, she needs to manger HERS as well.
> 
> I don't think for one minute he's having a 'mental breakdown.' Not for a second.
> 
> You need to start doing some serious digging.


Respectfully, not everything is so black and white simple.

I am still leaning towards something mental health related.


----------



## ravenkitty

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So you have an argument, and out of the blue he packs some of his stuff and *LEAVES*, claiming he's going to his mother's house and "doesn't know when he'll be back?" And the advice you're getting here is to send this guy a card to _APOLOGIZE_ because he *disappeared* and you were panicking and contacting anyone you could to find out what's going on?
> 
> _I do have some things I need to apologize for though, it's not all on him. I should've kept it between us, when he wanted it only with us. But I do see where he did wrong also. He shouldn't have done it like this. We're married and it's not a bf and gf relationship. I have a feeling he's looking at it like that and it's so simple to just leave. _
> 
> *Seriously???? *
> 
> So it goes from needing to run to mommy's house to do some _"thinking"_ to wanting to move into his own apartment???? Golly, I can see why this is all YOUR fault and why YOU should send that apology card right away. 🤪 🤪 🤪 Unreal.
> 
> 
> _Yep, he only stays at his mom house for one night. The rest was at hotels. Strange, that he is having trouble saving money but has gone back to spending a big chunk of it. Sigh..._
> 
> He then tells you he wants a divorce. I have a pretty good suspicion as to why.
> 
> 
> So he wasn't in his car and wasn't in his hotel room. Hmmm. I wonder where he'd gone off to?
> 
> _Unclear, I had a suspicious he was actually in his room but asked the manager to say that. His car was there with the door wide open and his clothes inside. But I found his phone case in the passenger seat. Still weird...._
> 
> Now why would that be - unless he was treating someone else to meals as well?
> 
> _I have a hunch he is definitely not alone. But unclear if it's with a man or woman. My friend bailed on me because I wanted to go see for myself. I couldn't take my car because my husband and I customized it together, he knows how my car looks. _
> 
> I think your therapist needs to explain to you that you need to manage your expectations. And while she's at it, she needs to manger HERS as well.
> 
> I don't think for one minute he's having a 'mental breakdown.' Not for a second.
> 
> You need to start doing some serious digging.
> 
> _I do think he is going through "something" but he's not being honest about it. I haven't been the best partner, and I should taken care of him more. I definitely should've done more for this marriage. He was always so open and would talk to me. I asked him when we last spoke if there was someone else and he declined. This was when he was lashing out spitting out words. He never once insulted me by the way, I have a feeling since he was mad at me and wanted me to leave him alone, he would've said yes there is someone else that's why I don't love you. I don't know..
> I've tried to do some digging, I can only go so far. He got a phone call and I looked it up and it was very clear but at some point with the number it showed the girl's name for the number.
> It's an old iPhone, he took out his iCloud so I can't update the apps on it. The bank app is already starting to say it won't function soon. Sigh, back to square one soon and maybe just let time pass and let him come to me._


----------



## Evinrude58

See an attorney and file for divorce.
Immediately and without letting your emotions prevent you from taking action.

He will either then divorce, or he will beg you to stop it. Either way you’re better off than letting this doofus drive you to bankruptcy while keeping you in limbo hell.

oh, you’re not willing to do that? You’ll get more of the same. Btw, he’s cheating on you. Are you blind?


----------



## D0nnivain

Leaving for a day or two to calm down after an argument I could possibly understand but he's been gone for a while now, at least 1 week of complete NC Now he's starting to delete you off social media & cancelling other points of contact. 

This is very very wrong & the longer it goes on the less likely you are to reconcile. 

At this point if you have gone more than 1 week with NC it's time to show up at his work AFTER shift. You have to talk to him. Before confronting him, I might follow him to see where he goes & who he sees. If you ascertain that he is not seeing somebody else, you approach him to talk but that talk has to be an apology followed by a concrete plan to your your own place & a realistic budget. Your discussion should probably also include the possibility of relocating to a lower cost of living area. 

If he's not open to moving back in with you -- at whatever location -- this is probably over & it will be time for divorce. Sorry.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

ravenkitty said:


> Hi all, my husband and I got married about 11 months ago.
> Sorry if this is long. I don’t want to miss a single point. You may ask questions if I missed anything.
> Prior to getting married, we were together for 2 years and 3 months.
> About a week ago, I got upset with my husband, (something small, no cheating involved, just a disagreement) the day went on, he decided he needed a breather, and wanted to drive to his parents house. I ask him, why? Can we talk about it? He says I just need to go think and drive. I say ok, that’s fine. I cry during this time, he has never done this. He proceeds to take some clothes and takes our wedding photo and other photos of us. He says he will come back home he just doesn’t know when. I hold on to that.
> I come to find out he wants to get an apartment. I ask him about it and he says it was suppose to be for us. I say ok, that’s ok, can we talk about it? He says i’m not gonna get it, I can’t afford it. I say it’s ok. and he hangs up.
> 
> Later that night I call him around 2 am. He answers immediately, we say we miss each other and love each other. But he said his mind is on divorce, he doesn’t know why. I ask him to come home the next day so we can talk about it in person. He agrees.
> The next day comes he still has his mind set on divorce. I say please, can you have an open mind and be open to my suggestions? This is because he is saying he is stressed, he wants to be alone and do things alone. He doesn’t want his problems to be mine. I reassure him that we’re a team and he’s never alone in this. We talk about solutions, he still wants a divorce. He doesn’t say the real reason, just insisting it’s stress from work and money.
> We come back home so he can get a few more things, my mom confronts him. I understand I should’ve stood up to him, I was too upset that he was thinking like that. I regret that so much. At the end of their conversation, he leaves and leaves his keys behind. Takes off his location and drives off. I don’t hear from him the entire day.
> I’m a wreck during this time. He’s my bubba, my love. I don’t understand why he can’t have an honest conversation with me.
> 
> Next day, I call my cousin (he’s like a brother to me, we grew up together as the only child in our family) hysterically crying. He comes by, I tell him everything. He’s starts to worry, he loved us together. He wanted to help and hear his side of the story. He loves my husband, he is a part of the family now. He messages him asking if he’s ok and what’s going on. He asks where he is so that his wife (me) knows everything was ok during the night. He then ignores those messages and calls my phone. I can’t answer (which I should’ve) I’m not ok at this point, I’m crying not being able to say anything. My cousin takes the phone. Talks to him and ask if he still loves me and my husband says of course I still love her. I don’t want her to suffer with my problems. He just wants to be alone. He says he will call me later when he’s ready.
> I wait for the day and no call from him.
> 
> Next day rolls, gossip goes around and my family knows. I continue to cry for him, calling out to him. This isn’t like him at all. My uncle texts him and calls him. He just wants to make sure how he is doing. He cares for him so much.
> I find out what hotel he’s at, I decide to go and see if I can find him. I find his car, his door was wide open. But no one was there, his clothes were there and all. I found this very scary and concerned. He is not like that at all, he always locks his car. I talk to hotel but they can’t give me anything. They check his room and they say he’s not there and everything was normal.
> 
> I’m concerned for him, if he’s not gonna talk to me, I call the person he will talk to. I call his mom and see if she knows anything. She doesn’t. I tell her only what I know. She says ok I will call him and let you know of anything. She says she loves me and sees me as a daughter. We hang up.
> 
> I call his coworker who he’s been getting closer with. He answers and says he doesn’t know anything. He last spoke to him on their work day. That was a lie according to our phone logs. Anyways, he doesn’t say anything. I move on
> 
> My husband then calls me, lashing out and telling me to stop. To stop everyone from calling him or he will block everyone. He’s lashing out and talking fast that he wants a divorce, he’s not inlove with me, he’s gonna take me off everything. I say please talk to me. He refuses. He hangs up.
> 
> I call his mom to see if she can take his stuff he will need. She doesn’t answer. I find out she blocked me and so did his dad.
> 
> Time goes by, he deletes me off everything. As if I didn’t exist.
> He’s still logged in on a phone that we have at home, I see his bank statements. He spending so much money on food at restaurants. And he needed a hotel to stay at so that was understandable. He doesn’t talk to me for the rest of the week. My mind is starting to go to a dark place and saying he’s with someone else. But he isn’t like that at all, Has never been even in his old relationships.
> He continues to spend more money. I believe now, he’s found a place to rent. A room, with other roommates at a random house. And no word from him. He’s going out to a bar and such. I found this out last night. I’m scared i’m loosing him slowly.
> 
> My therapist believes we can work this out, it won’t be easy. I need to be strong enough. She is a marriage therapist as well and understands what we’re going through.
> She is trying a method of contacting him and seeing if he will talk to her to hear him out. He doesn’t answer or anything.
> 
> What do you think? Is there a chance he will talk to me again? Or even consider us reconciling? Do I give him more space and not contact him?


So I am having to fill in the blanks. He wants an apartment. Your mom was there during this. You two are not living with your parents, are you? Because that would make anyone want to leave. No one wants to live with in-laws. 

Other than that, you're being pushy when he's asked you for space. When someone asks for some breathing room, give it to them. And if you are living with your parents, he certainly needs space!! 

You're really not adults until you're out living on your own and able to afford that. So maybe you just married too soon. 

Now, if you are not living with your mom or parents, then what was she doing involved in this?


----------



## ravenkitty

*An Update.* Thanks all for your input and opinions. Looks like there is someone new. It was out of the blue, he was very loyal, trustworthy, loving and wouldn’t hide things from me. 
This person, he must’ve met during the week we didn’t talk. During the week, he’s changed. He’s been spending hundreds of dollars (that he doesn’t have) on restaurants, gas multiple times a day (he was concerned about gas prices since it’s so expensive but now he doesn’t care). He was able to find an apartment and probably is living with this girl. On top of that, his parents have blocked me. All I wanted to do is return his belongings that he needs. Anyways, thanks all.
I’m just heartbroken, it’s time to move on and start the divorce process.


----------



## ravenkitty

DownByTheRiver said:


> So I am having to fill in the blanks. He wants an apartment. Your mom was there during this. You two are not living with your parents, are you? Because that would make anyone want to leave. No one wants to live with in-laws.
> 
> Other than that, you're being pushy when he's asked you for space. When someone asks for some breathing room, give it to them. And if you are living with your parents, he certainly needs space!!
> 
> You're really not adults until you're out living on your own and able to afford that. So maybe you just married too soon.
> 
> Now, if you are not living with your mom or parents, then what was she doing involved in this?


My mother rents rooms in her house. At the beginning of our marriage, we talked about saving up and being able to afford either an apartment or house, but after our debt has gone down. We both decided it was best to just rent the master bedroom in her house to save money. We knew it wouldn’t be easy, he said as long as we had each other we can get through this, save up money and leave as soon as we could. She never included herself in our relationship and would not bother us while we were living in her home. 

I have reflected a lot and understand I should’ve left him alone. I was in panic mode, this has never happened before. I was concerned about my husbands whereabouts and wanted to know if he had a roof over his head. He mentioned he was going to his parents house but never showed up. So I started to worry.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

ravenkitty said:


> My mother rents rooms in her house. At the beginning of our marriage, we talked about saving up and being able to afford either an apartment or house, but after our debt has gone down. We both decided it was best to just rent the master bedroom in her house to save money. We knew it wouldn’t be easy, he said as long as we had each other we can get through this, save up money and leave as soon as we could. She never included herself in our relationship and would not bother us while we were living in her home.
> 
> I have reflected a lot and understand I should’ve left him alone. I was in panic mode, this has never happened before. I was concerned about my husbands whereabouts and wanted to know if he had a roof over his head. He mentioned he was going to his parents house but never showed up. So I started to worry.


Well, you said "my mom confronted him." If she's not involved, why did that happen? This is the type thing no one wants to deal with or should have to.

I'm not saying it's a one-way street. You ran to yours and he ran to his. Doesn't look to me like either of you are independent or mature enough to be married yet. I can see why he'd be wanting to run.


----------



## ravenkitty

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well, you said "my mom confronted him." If she's not involved, why did that happen? This is the type thing no one wants to deal with or should have to.
> 
> I'm not saying it's a one-way street. You ran to yours and he ran to his. Doesn't look to me like either of you are independent or mature enough to be married yet. I can see why he'd be wanting to run.


Yeah we walked in and she pulled him to the side to hear what’s going on with him, because he wasn’t himself. I didn’t think she would do that, she never has. 
Yeah okay, I guess we weren’t matured enough. Thanks


----------



## bobert

You need to talk to a lawyer ASAP about the debt and all the money he is spending right now. You don't want to end up paying 50% of the bill for his affair.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

ravenkitty said:


> Yeah we walked in and she pulled him to the side to hear what’s going on with him, because he wasn’t himself. I didn’t think she would do that, she never has.
> Yeah okay, I guess we weren’t matured enough. Thanks


Since you don't have enough money, could one solution be for you both to work two jobs here for awhile? You won't even see each other OR be around your parents much that way and you can save up and then see if getting your own place helps any.


----------



## thunderchad

I'd bet he met someone else. It doesn't add up...unless he's a crazy person.


----------



## ravenkitty

DownByTheRiver said:


> Since you don't have enough money, could one solution be for you both to work two jobs here for awhile? You won't even see each other OR be around your parents much that way and you can save up and then see if getting your own place helps any.


He won’t even talk to me. I sent him a message apologizing, but I knew I wasn’t going to get a response. I wanted him to know I was sorry for how things went. When he’s ready to talk, I’ll be ready to listen. 
He got his own apartment now, well possibly with the girl he’s been sharing his things with. I got a notification the internet here at the house i’m currently in moved the service to another place.


----------



## ravenkitty

thunderchad said:


> I'd bet he met someone else. It doesn't add up...unless he's a crazy person.


Yeah looks like he’s with someone else at the moment. My therapist believes he may be going through a mental health issue and that this is a manic episode. 
He’s been stressed at work, they’ve been overworking him. He’s works 12 hours a day for 5 days and hasn’t been taking his breaks. When we go to bed he sleeps right away and snores super loud. He’s never snores loudly. 
Him spending loads of money in ONE day isn’t him at all. He’s always been very careful about his spending because everything is getting expensive. But now that he’s with someone he doesn’t seem to care. He spending all this money that he doesn’t have. He’ll break soon.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

ravenkitty said:


> Yeah looks like he’s with someone else at the moment. My therapist believes he may be going through a mental health issue and that this is a manic episode.
> He’s been stressed at work, they’ve been overworking him. He’s works 12 hours a day for 5 days and hasn’t been taking his breaks. When we go to bed he sleeps right away and snores super loud. He’s never snores loudly.
> Him spending loads of money in ONE day isn’t him at all. He’s always been very careful about his spending because everything is getting expensive. But now that he’s with someone he doesn’t seem to care. He spending all this money that he doesn’t have. He’ll break soon.


All I can tell you is that you should not want to hold on to someone that unreliable no matter whether you love him or not. Listen there are a whole lot of people that you can love but not live with and make a life with because they're just not suitable.


----------



## ravenkitty

DownByTheRiver said:


> All I can tell you is that you should not want to hold on to someone that unreliable no matter whether you love him or not. Listen there are a whole lot of people that you can love but not live with and make a life with because they're just not suitable.


Agreed. Thank you for reminding me. Here’s to moving forward.


----------



## michelleM68

Im so sorry for your pain. I wonder if this gal knows you exist since he basically erased you and wont talk to you. I wonder if she knows he is married. I know divorced couples who did not delete their ex spouses or eliminate them even with new partners. 
I sadly think he did not just meet her during the week you two didnt talk. He was already checked out the moment he walked out. He probably hid it well. 
1. Secure your finances. Bills. Protect yourself before the well runs dry if you have joint bills. File for Divorce and have him served at work. 
2. Take care of yourself each day. Excersize eat find something daily to give you a little joy yet cry too if you need to. 
3. Once you protect your finances let him dig his own financial grave. I saw a video recently of a man whose wife helped him save for goals. He cheated with a gal who wanted him to buy her fancy stuff. He ended up broke. Karma.

If you need to talk vent cry need advice .here is the place. 

Best wishes to you. Most of us understand this we didnt ask for.


----------



## ABiolarWife

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> It really sounds like he is suffering from some kind of mental health issue like depression or bipolar disorder and he is trying to fight it alone..... Him saying he doesn't want her to deal with his problems is a clue.
> 
> I agree with the other poster that she is suffocating him. But at the same time, I understand the fear and mixed emotions she is experiencing.
> 
> I would recommend approaching him in a neutral manner and say just talk to me and let me know what is wrong and let's solve this together. Offer to go to a mental health professional with him. Just reassure him you care and whatever he says stays between you two and the professional...... But I can tell you really care


It really sounds like he is either manic or hypomanic (BP 1 here) and is in the middle of an episode.


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## Cynthia

@ravenkitty, Do you have an update on how you are doing now?


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