# Am i selfish to want happiness?



## Madbunny (Aug 9, 2011)

I have been with the same man for 21 years.I guess i knew he wasn't a super romantic guy but now i feel like a servant.He is happy as long as I do what a wife should,cooks cleans sex blah blah.In 21 years i have been out to dinner like 15 times and its always for an occasion such as Mothers day or someones birthday(besides mine).Whenever we have fights about the marriage he says if you just do the dishes and can tomatoes i will be happy.He basically doesn't do any housework that is as he says my job, yet i work about 35 hrs per week.He is a very non lazy guy when he gets home he is busy building fence or doing outside stuff,always out doing side work to get ahead which i am not complaining but he never relaxes,so therefore I am not allowed to either.If i try to sit down he tells me things that need to be done.I have to sneak to be on the computer because i could be cleaning instead.He thinks reading which is my escape is stupid and i could be doing something constructive.when I make him a sandwich he tells me how and stands over me.Always telling me that my job is not good enough and so and so's wife makes 40k per year.And so and so's wife is such a good cook I hate it I feel like a failure.Sex is the other thinghe approaches me with we should fk or ya wanna fk
what the heck is that?And if i happen to say no its a huge fight.I am so unhappy i am not feeling love at this time


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Ew. This is no good.


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## angelsmilk (Aug 9, 2011)

OH my! NO you are not selfish!! A large part of marriage is respect. It should be a partnership where you each bring out the best in each other. What good is it to have someone in your life that just drains you of your spirit. Reading is not stupid. It's what educated people do. That's what our entire education system is based on and it works. 

My mother was in a very similiar relationship. My father was extremely controlling, he had her on an allowance, he boasted about the fact that the shirt on his back would be cleaned and ironed by the next afternoon, she was not allowed to do any of the grocery shopping...it goes on and on. She stayed married for 20 years and although she loved my sister and I with all of her heart and was the most amazing mother ever....she was miserable and squashed and she lost a sense of who she was. 

Life is too short to live it being unhappy. I would take a personal vacation if only for one day. Think of all of the things you used to love to do and do them. See how much you miss your husband that day. Go for a walk, stop and read in the park, have some ice cream, go to the movies by yourself, go to a bookstore...make a WHOLE DAY for YOU!! Hopefully a day of bliss can put things a little more in perspective. Don't forget what it's like to be happy


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

angelsmilk said:


> A large part of marriage is respect.


:iagree:

Respect was the first thing that came to my mind when reading your post too. He doesn't respect you and you allow him to disrespect you. 

Rebuilding your own self-respect might be a good place to start.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Wanting our own happiness for reasons of respect and feeling we are valued by the one who promised to love, care & honor us for the rest of our lives is NOT being selfish. In fact a certain measure of selfishness is needed in order for happiness.

How many of us want to be reduced to a Servant, Doormat status or Martrys for someone who thinks they can rule over us, and dominates our every act or thought. 

That is not love. You deserve to be treated better. Love yourself today. Stand up for yourself. This requires some of that healthy selfishness. There is a balance in all things - even selfishness.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I don't see what your problem is.

This is perfectly normal behaviour from your husband...if this was the 1800's.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Has it always been this way, or has it gotten progressively worse?

Does it continue to get worse, or has it leveled off in the last few years?


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## Madbunny (Aug 9, 2011)

Actually at the moment I feel like I am in hell.I feel guilty for wanting to leave such a hard working guy.He is well liked and isn't physically abusive and rarely verbally abusive,has called me a worthless c**t a few times over the years.Lately he just annoys me and i am not sure why. We had tried for 2 years to have a baby.The whole time he was mean when it didn't happen,to the point of saying "everyone else' s wife can get pregnant whats your problem?"Every month i got another cycle i would cry i felt like it was some kind of test that i had to pass.I finally did get pregnant in Dec and i felt so happy like see I am not a failure,only to find out 8 weeks later that something didn't look right.He never even went to the appointments with me.Doctors said to wait 3 more weeks maybe my dates were off,so 3 weeks later i get the news i have a molar pregnancy and my baby isnt alive,and i have a pre cancerous mass in my uterus.So I go home and tell him.. his reply "so its a dud huh"I wanted a hug or an I'm sorry oh well. I had a D&C March 1st by myself(he offered to take me 10 min before i was supposed to be there and he was talking on the phone to his friend about fishing.)I made it ok but had to take 3 weeks of methotrexate a chemo drug to ward off and residual cells just in case.Aced that alright so I am thinking i am ok... I have post partum depression
 I feel so alone we do not connect,he is happy as a lark as long as the house is clean and he has clothes ready and meals cooked,but if that gets outta whack omg its war. I have been trying to keep it all up but i am not feeling myself so he is now not happy uggh.I feel like what he values is what I do here and not me who I am what I like or want.Unless its something he wants its considered stupid.I have been reading alot it helps me escape and he gets mad says i should be cleaning.I suggested mc but he won't go i am at wits end and now hate my life.Sorry so long and that's just a small sample of it.Take care all


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

That's really awful.

He is treating you horribly. He does not love and cherish you, if he did he would care about your pain. 

He is not physically abusive, but he is emotionally abusive. He is not meeting your needs at all.

Stop doing things for him and go and see a lawyer and file for divorce. 

If he loves you he will change his ways agree to counseling and do his very best every day to make up for treating you so very badly. But don't be sucked into false promises.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Madbunny said:


> Actually at the moment I feel like I am in hell.I feel guilty for wanting to leave such a hard working guy.He is well liked and isn't physically abusive and rarely verbally abusive,has called me a worthless c**t a few times over the years.Lately he just annoys me and i am not sure why. We had tried for 2 years to have a baby.The whole time he was mean when it didn't happen,to the point of saying "everyone else' s wife can get pregnant whats your problem?"Every month i got another cycle i would cry i felt like it was some kind of test that i had to pass.I finally did get pregnant in Dec and i felt so happy like see I am not a failure,only to find out 8 weeks later that something didn't look right.He never even went to the appointments with me.Doctors said to wait 3 more weeks maybe my dates were off,so 3 weeks later i get the news i have a molar pregnancy and my baby isnt alive,and i have a pre cancerous mass in my uterus.So I go home and tell him.. his reply "so its a dud huh"I wanted a hug or an I'm sorry oh well. I had a D&C March 1st by myself(he offered to take me 10 min before i was supposed to be there and he was talking on the phone to his friend about fishing.)I made it ok but had to take 3 weeks of methotrexate a chemo drug to ward off and residual cells just in case.Aced that alright so I am thinking i am ok... I have post partum depression
> I feel so alone we do not connect,he is happy as a lark as long as the house is clean and he has clothes ready and meals cooked,but if that gets outta whack omg its war. I have been trying to keep it all up but i am not feeling myself so he is now not happy uggh.I feel like what he values is what I do here and not me who I am what I like or want.Unless its something he wants its considered stupid.I have been reading alot it helps me escape and he gets mad says i should be cleaning.I suggested mc but he won't go i am at wits end and now hate my life.Sorry so long and that's just a small sample of it.Take care all


Madbunny- you should not feel guilty for wanting to leave THIS. You are not feeling loved & cherished by this man at all.

I struggled with infertility for over 6 yrs, my husband was so self-less during that time, looking back I think he OVER did it. I felt lousy about my body not working right- I was pretty much the GROUCH out of the 2 of us, he never said ONE word in all that time to hurt me. He rallied around me, running to all kinds of appointments, crazy tests, even put himself DOWN for sex--just for me and my obsession for having more kids.

A good man does more than work and provide, he stands beside you when you are feeling at your LOWEST, this is a very important side of LOVE. He will put himself down and lift you up, give you hope for a better day, help you hang in there so you can acheive these dreams together - Not make comments like that & take off fishing when you are getting a D & C !! How utterly devestating after 24 grueling months of trying to conceive. 

Life does not always go according to our plans, big bumps, little bumps along the way. Generally one spouse may be more patient than the other, but he is denying you the emotional support you deeply need right now. His priorities are way off. It makes all the sense in the world you feel as you do. 

You are not being selfish, you are responding like any woman in your shoes would, under the circumstances you describe here.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I would literally have a heart attack if my stbxw had ever ironed a shirt of mine. I agree with SimplyAmorous, that the emotional support is paramount. I cant imagine letting all those things you do become an "expectation" and then throw a tantrum if it doesnt happen. 
I hope you can get some sense talked into him.


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## msjen602 (Aug 17, 2011)

I HATE THAT F WORD, I TELL MY HUSBAND I'M YOUR WIFE NOT YOUR LIVE IN PORN STAR....BUT HE'S CHOSEN NOT TO LISTEN YET. WHAT HE DOESN'T KNOW IS I DON'T EVEN LONG FOR HIM AS I DID IN THE BEGINNING FOR THAT REASON. I FEEL HE'S BELITTLING ME JUST WITH ONE WORD, IN ADDITION TO THE LACK OF HELP AROUND THE HOUSE.


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## confusedandwondering (Aug 16, 2011)

No one should ever have that much control over another persons life. From what everyone is saying it is time to say enough , get out , find " you " and do the things that make YOU happy . Before all of the you is gone . No one should ever have to put up with that much crap . my opion , but I have been in a similar place and had to get out before I could begin to heal and find the person I knew I was .


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Madbunny said:


> Actually at the moment I feel like I am in hell.I feel guilty for wanting to leave such a hard working guy.He is well liked and isn't physically abusive and rarely verbally abusive,has called me a *worthless c**t* a few times over the years.


I didn't even need to read beyond this part to think if I was EVER spoken to like that, I'd be out the door. 

You have nothing to feel guilty about. It's truly time to start loving, healing, and respecting yourself.


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