# Finances in remarriage



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Well it's been years since I've been on here, but I'm doing really well and going to marry my wonderful boyfriend next summer, and I have a question about money, so i thought of this place!

I have significantly more wealth than my boyfriend. We make about the same amount, but I'm coming in with more assets. As we look to draw up new wills, we're discussing how we'll divide the money with our kids. He has 3, i have 2, and his are about 10 years older than mine.

The biggest issue is, my XMIL gave my xh and i a significant amount of money for the down payment on this house. I got this house in the divorce, xh got the second home. XMIL very generously didn't ask for her money back, But i thought it'd be fair to put her investment into a trust for my girls when i sell the house (one day). My girls are her only grandkids, and giving the money to them is her long term goal, so that part has been wonderful.

My new boyfriend will sell his house next year and move into this one. So in the tragic event we both die, or just in the event that we sell this place, my kids will get way more money than his kids.

Do we talk with the kids about this? My kids don't know about the money they'll be getting one day. But his initial reaction was that his kids would feel like second class family members if my two get 10 times what his get in the event of a tragedy. Explaining that it's their grandparents money seems easy enough, but I'm not a fan of giving kids too much information regarding finances either. Help!!


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

My feeling is that you each protect YOUR kids. The idea that his kids will feel like second class people because they don't get as much money is both foreign and ridiculous to me. You don't say how old any of the children are...that would have helped regarding whether you talk to them or not. If they are adults I think you would be wise to explain what your plans are openly so they ALL know what to expect.

The worst case scenario is not if you both die, it is if ONE of you dies. If you die before your husband, what do your kids get and how do you protect them to make SURE they get what they are suppose to. The worst thing that could happen is that all your money goes to your new husband who spends it all over his lifetime and your kids end up with nothing. OR, your widowed husband has an "out" with one or more of your kids and they get nothing. OR, your widowed husband remarries and the money gets filtered to his new wife, or her kids, somehow.

Protect YOUR kids. Let him protect HIS kids. Discrepancy in amount? Oh well, that's life, and not your issue.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

BigToe said:


> My feeling is that you each protect YOUR kids. The idea that his kids will feel like second class people because they don't get as much money is both foreign and ridiculous to me. You don't say how old any of the children are...that would have helped regarding whether you talk to them or not. If they are adults I think you would be wise to explain what your plans are openly so they ALL know what to expect.
> 
> The worst case scenario is not if you both die, it is if ONE of you dies. If you die before your husband, what do your kids get and how do you protect them to make SURE they get what they are suppose to. The worst thing that could happen is that all your money goes to your new husband who spends it all over his lifetime and your kids end up with nothing. OR, your widowed husband has an "out" with one or more of your kids and they get nothing. OR, your widowed husband remarries and the money gets filtered to his new wife, or her kids, somehow.
> 
> Protect YOUR kids. Let him protect HIS kids. Discrepancy in amount? Oh well, that's life, and not your issue.


Exactly this. I dint expect my kids to get what my hubby leaves to his kid, and he doesnt expect the vice versa. Your fiance is being unreasonable.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

My kids are 10 and 12, his are 17, 17, and 20. Thanks for the perspective!


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Also, my kids will definitely be getting the bulk of my estate. My question is more about whether to share the reasons why with the kids now, our when they're all adults


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

To me, your kids would get more because of course, you are starting out with more. Significantly much more. Make sure your kids are protected and won't get short-changed. 

Just a thought but once you marry can't you refinance the loan so that his name is on it BUT more importantly you get this chunk of money for your girls in a trust. And then if something happens to you of the both of you, it wouldn't affect the girls because this chunk of money would already be in a trust for them.

My kids are 14 and 16 and I don't share a lot with them about financial stuff--just what they need to know! Like we have $$ for your college, you have what you need, etc... My parents are in their late 70s and have quite a bit as I can't keep track of their financial stuff. But I know they are fair and they want to protect their kids which they have. In the end, it's their money and they know what to do so I'm at peace with that. So tell your kids what your comfortable with but nothing that they may say to their half-siblings to where they are better than them. You don't want that.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

I would sell both homes and buy a new one. Put the money your former MIL put down on your current home into a separate trust for your children. This is done out of respect to your ex husband and his mother.

The rest of the equity and the equity from the sale of your finances' home will become community property and split evenly in the event you both die. You also need a succession plan for when one does first. 

But the overall rule imo is one marriage, one family. Anything else drives a wedge. Or don't get married and have a more independent arrangement.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

northernlights said:


> My kids are 10 and 12, his are 17, 17, and 20. Thanks for the perspective!


Your children are too young to understand. His should be made aware and acknowledge your wishes in front of you in addition to any legal documents drawn up. Also, a trust fund is not fool proof. Trusts require a Trustee to administer the plan and most trusts allow that Trustee to take out expenses for doing so.

I think I would pay the price for a lawyer to counsel me on how to best make sure that as much of my money as possible gets to MY kids. Obviously, money that you come by and earn as a married couple is going to be shared by you both including the real estate unless you have a pre-nup that stipulates differently. But even pre-nups can be challenged.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Methinks this is an issue only because you are the one with more money. If he were the 1 with more money, he probably would not be insisting on equality.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I wouldn't share all those financial details with your children. They are not thinking about that themselves, most likely.

A story to encourage you to protect your children's inheritance. My MIL talked about her finances all the time, telling all her kids and step kids how she and her (3rd) husband had divided it up. Her (3rd) husband of 20 years had an excellent job and was a millionaire. He had her on a budget, and she couldn't touch his money. He set up a will with her to protect all the kids (his and hers) inheritance in case he died first. She would get 1/2 and the kids would split the other half evenly.

He got Alzheimers, and MIL convinced him to sign papers letting her change the will so she would get it all, claiming she could invest it well and make more money for everyone. In the end, she lost a lot of it in bad and questionable investments, spent the rest on vacations and high living, and none of his children got anything. He would have rolled over in his grave if he could.

After he died she complained to me that she was destitute. (Stupid me told her that she didn't have to worry, she could move in with us. Thank God she never did!) She married another wealthy old man in his 80's (she's in her 70's) She complained to my husband that he wouldn't "share" any of his money with her beyond feeding her, housing, etc. Eventually she convinced him to let her remodel his kitchen and living room (one of her favorite ways of spending money.) She has convinced him to start going on cruises and vacations with her....on his penny!

Blaine has a good idea. Make sure your future husband can't touch your children's investment from your previous marriage, no matter what happens to you. If it means selling your current home and putting the money in trust, do it.

When you get married, a lot of things become community property once you convert them to change them. An appointment with a lawyer will help you not make mistakes.


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## LTCNurse (Feb 5, 2018)

To me, it's a red flag that he even asked! That is YOUR money and should be set aside and not intermingled. 


How long have you dated?


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

If you are getting married to your new boyfriend, if something should happen to you are married, there is no guarantee that he would abide by your wishes regarding the money to your girls from their grandmother. 

If you really want to be sure that things go as you desire, I would recommend setting up a trust for your girls, and have the ownership of the house held by the trust. You should talk to an asset protection attorney who has a lot of experience in inheritance issues.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

We are in a second marriage and I have three children and he has two. All in their 30's. My three will get the house which is in my name and which I came into the marriage with, and any money we have will be split 5 ways. His children will get the house that he and his ex had which my husband let her have when they divorced. 

Why cant he put the proceeds of the house he is selling aside for them, and your children will get your house? Seems fair.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I agree that it would be ideal to pull the money out now and put it in a trust for the kids. I'll schedule a meeting with my lawyer. Right now if i die, everything goes to my kids and my sister (a lawyer) administers. Pulling out the money and taking on a mortgage that we both pay makes a lot of sense... Still leaves me with lots of equity in the house tho, so I'd need to make sure most of it remained for my kids" with his contribution benefitting his kids. Setting is off the table for a while, I'm next door to my parents and part of why i took this house was to keep the kids Where they are for at least a few more years. But that's certainly ideal and probably not more than 5 years off.

Oh, been dating BF for 2 years. He's a good guy. His ex partner got everything in their separation so he's been burned, and his reaction to the discussion above was pretty knee jerk i think.


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## BeautyBeast (Feb 3, 2015)

northernlights said:


> His ex partner got everything in their separation so he's been burned, and his reaction to the discussion above was pretty knee jerk i think.


it's a poor excuse. A good mas has respect to pre-marital assets regardless of his past. I see a red flag here.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

If you can afford it, refinance the house in order to extract the value of the house that should go to your kids. Put that money aside for them. This removes them from the house equation and makes it cleaner for you and your new husband.

Next issue, if you both were to die. Does half the estate go to your children and half to his children or does it get divided up 1/5th to each child?


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

I didn't think anyone discussed wills and trusts and estate plans with their kids (even adult kids) unless they were directly involved with creating them and/or the executors of the trust.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

northernlights said:


> My kids are 10 and 12, his are 17, 17, and 20. Thanks for the perspective!


With his kids being that old, they're not going to form the same kind of relationship with you as if they were younger. I'm sure they'll still love you, but it's not like they are going to have biological-mother type feelings. If they were 5-years-old then maybe, but they're going to be off doing their own things pretty soon. 

I'm not sure how I feel about him saying his kids should get the same as yours. I can see wanting to split your shared assets that you acquire going forward, but it seems greedy to ask for more. 

Someone on another thread said you need to setup a trust, not a will, to make sure your kids get the money in case you die first. If you set up a will that says the assets go to your H, there's no guarantee after that. Your H can change his will so that his kids get it all and your kids get nothing. Or maybe he remarries and his new wife changes his will.


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

You need a Revokable Living Trust; an attorney with estate knowledge can make it read exactly the way you want it to. My husband and I did the same thing; unfortunately he died too young, so my attorney and accountant came up with a prospective number that my husband might have been worth had he lived a longer lifetime. Then we gave them the choice of waiting for me to die (because everything was mine until that time) or accepting a portion of the total and signing off on any possible gains. They all took the money up front, which, as it turns out was a good decision for them.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi Northern I agree with most whats yours is yours and his is his. As far as explaining to them urs seem a little young so you can include a letter with the will. I'm sure ur lawyer will explain in the event of both of you dying IF it can be proved that one dies before the other, such as a car wreck where one is killed instantly and the other dies in the hospital inheritance is the second inherits from the first then its divided. BTW you say he will be selling his house, what will happen to the money from that?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

I've had to think through this. My GF and I are moving in together and likely will marry at some point; since I am significantly better off financially (better job and own my home) we needed to deal with this before taking that step.

My take is we don't owe anything to people who weren't there coming up with us. There's nothing wrong with your kids getting what you have up to this point. We don't all get the same breaks in life; that's just reality. You don't owe anything to your own kids (you could donate to charity, let's say), much less his. As long as you all have a similar manner of living (which shouldn't be a problem given your incomes) I think you'll get along fine.

You should figure out what works for you then talk with your BF. I am troubled that he's arguing what his kids will think when you're both gone. It sounds like just an excuse to advocate for his kids, which is understandable but you need to advocate for yours as well. Think of this as a good test of the compatibility of your values.

Personally, I told my GF (who has two kids) that my house will go to my only child eventually. But, given our financial disparity I'll be taking care of all the household expenses and a lot of the other stuff too; she'll have to only pick up the stuff directly for her and her kids (her car, clothing, etc.) I am encouraging her to build her career and financial position (which should be fairly easy if you get free housing) which will lessen the disparity. And down the line when her career takes off, if she wants to buy a house with me I'm open to moving and renting out my current home.

But I need to protect myself and my child, and committing a big chunk of assets that I may need is risky. I might have to retire early. We may separate at some point and I'd suffer a big loss; I'm in my mid-40s and don't have much time to recover from a financial hit. Also, from a values perspective, I want someone who wants to partner and build with me. I don't think someone who insists on getting a big chunk of assets just for showing up, from someone who can't afford to replace them, is the right person for me. If we marry, she'll be an equal partner in anything we accumulate after that point (so I'm not advocating letting your partner fend for themselves), just not in what I have already.



northernlights said:


> Well it's been years since I've been on here, but I'm doing really well and going to marry my wonderful boyfriend next summer, and I have a question about money, so i thought of this place!
> 
> I have significantly more wealth than my boyfriend. We make about the same amount, but I'm coming in with more assets. As we look to draw up new wills, we're discussing how we'll divide the money with our kids. He has 3, i have 2, and his are about 10 years older than mine.
> 
> ...


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