# Left alone



## needlove (Jan 17, 2010)

This is weird for me but here goes.....I just want an outside view of my problem. 
When my husband and I go to social events like weddings, banquets, school functions, work socials, anything where you have drinks and a meal, my life turns into a living hell afterward. Here is how it always goes.
We go to the event, we find our table or seating area, he says, "I going to go get a drink", he leaves and does not find his way back until it is time to eat, around 30 to 45 min. later he shows up with a drink for me too. He does not ask what I wanted he just brings something. We eat and of course he gets up to get another drink and is gone for another hour or so. He is talking the whole time to other people (other men). He thinks all men do this. Some men do but the majority of men are up getting drinks and are on their way back to their wives. I sit at the table with the other women and their husbands for most of the night like the third wheel. I get so tired of wondering where he is and what is taking so long. We have had some really bad fights about this and he promises each time not to do it again. Then the very next time he swears he did not do it on purpose and that he just looses track of time. I am hurt and feel like I really do not matter to him at all. I think it is rude, and very inconsiderate. This is a man that can't stand if I go do something with my girl friends. He does not try and stop me but he ask 100 questions and I can feel the "I hate when you do things without me" way that he is feeling. Therefore, I rarely do anything without him or my family. 
I just want to know if I am being unreasonable or if I should just give him a dose of his own medicine and start doing the same thing he does. I am so mad right now that I want to hurt him back. I know this is unhealthy but I am so tired of his excuses.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

There is a much easier way out of this. Either go with him to get the drink, or do it for the two of you. Give this a try and see if it helps.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I think there might be some truth to you doing your own thing at these events, if he sees your not just sitting there waiting for him to return to you maybe he won't be gone so long...it's worth a try to see what kind of reaction you get, I agree you could get the drinks or go with him.....be really attentive and see if you can't sway him to spend more time with you......make him want you.
I think a lot of guys do this sort of thing, parties, where the women in one room the men in the other.......
good luck


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## Harriet (Jan 17, 2010)

You don't say how long you have been together/married. If you are young (or closer to newlywed status than not), I suspect this is an adjustment issue. I moved to a city where my hubby grew up & in the early years often "lost" him to all kinds of old pals at big events. 

I mean, the first few weddings we attended together, he didn't make it back from the bar for over an hour due to running into a dozen or more old classmates. I was initially hurt, but thought it thru and put myself in his shoes. (If I went to an event ten years after grad. and ran into person after person, I also would have spent tons of time catching up with no intent whatsoever of hurting my boyfriend/husband.) 

Anyway, I'd talk to him about it - calmly/gently. "I noticed the other night you spent a lot of time visiting with your buddies and I just want to be honest and let you know I felt left out." Do it nicely -give the benefit of the doubt. 

As for his being mad when you go out w/ girlfriends, that's uncalled for & should be discussed. You have every right to spend time w/ friends, but should not do it for some tit for tat reason. In other words, if you call your girlfriends right after a fight w/ hubby about his behavior at a wedding, that's not so cool. 

If this is just who he is and he is otherwise a kind, considerate, attentive husband, I'd let it go. Also, I'd go out and engage other people in conversation - nothing is stopping you from doing that!! Good luck.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Not all men do this, I absolutely do NOT do this.

When I am at the social events I am most pleased to make sure my wife is introduced to others, or that I am introduced to those people she may know, and that I am never leaving her alone for much length of time at all.

And if we are seperated, I am making sure to make eye contact at the very least every few minutes, to let her know I am attentive to her. She is loving that, and has even with a glance, communicated to me to come "rescue" her from some tedious conversation or such thing many times, so yes a gentleman should always be ready to assist his lady. 

If she is wanting to socialize with other ladies or such things for a few minutes alone, that is fine, after the introductions and, sometimes even in an informal event if truly the men and women separate to talk.

As a simple rule, a gentleman will not leave his lady unattended at a social event.

Your man needs to step his manners, to show you he appreciates the privelege of accompanying you to such events.


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

Lots of different things going on here.

Why can't you just get up and go with him? Or you can go get the drinks? 

Is there something that you're maybe doing that he's not comfortable with (ummm, using my imagination here but talking too loud, bad language.. I don't know!!)? How does he act when he is sitting with you?

Is this something he does outside of social situations like parties? Maybe he's just really uncomfortable at tables like that and it's totally not you at all. I know I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but it's possible that you're taking it personally when it's not.


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## needlove (Jan 17, 2010)

I have been married for 28 years. We have 3 children. Two grown and on their own and one still in college. I do not use bad language and I am not loud. He is not avoiding me, he has a business in the same town and a lot of clients. They all want to talk business every time they see him. He does not know how to cut a conversation short or say, "Call me on Monday so we can discuss this further." He is worse than any woman I know about talking. He will discuss anything from weather to work forever...
I am not saying that he is doing anything bad. I would like for him to consider me, or put me first. He says, "what am I supposed to do when they ask me questions." 
Remember the teacher that you could get off track and they would totally lose track of time and the subject? That is my husband.
I just want him to stop taking me for granted by leaving me alone or just go without me. He always insist I go. I think that is rude considering I know how it will turn out. He would be hurt if I did the same thing to him and he has told me this.


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

Hmmmm, he recognizes that it hurts you and admits that he understands and would feel the same way? And yet that doesn't cause him to change his ways?

(Sorry about the "are you being rude?" question, I just had to ask in case you were chewing with your mouth open or acting generally loopy  )

Often people who don't know how to cut conversations short are people pleasers. They don't want to insult or make the other person uncomfortable. Maybe ask him why it's OK to do that to you and not to them. Maybe you already have asked him that.

I can totally get why you don't want to go. If he's insistent that you accompany him, you can be insistent that he not abandon you for the sake of other people.


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