# Unemployed Wife No Children



## rpandaf (Jun 12, 2018)

Ok when I met my wife we both had jobs. We both didn't make much but we did not have any children. I was a Police Officer for a small town making low income. My soon to be wife was working a entry level job. When we were about to get married, my wife went on sick leave from work because of stress (I didn't agree but supported her). Me and my wife wanted to move back to our home state. I took a new job just before our wedding in our home state that payed a lot more income but I was a Jailer instead of Peace Officer. Me and my new wife were going to work together and begin our new life. I went from being a Police Officer making 26,000 a year to a Detention Officer making 32,409 a year. I got a Part Time Job as a Curtsey Officer at a Apartment complex to get free rent but had to drive 80 miles a day to work for about 2 years. During that 2 years I begged my wife to get a job and help on the bills. My wife then developed bad neuropathy. We went to Doctor after Doctor and everyone said she needed to quit drinking. My wife became very upset and said the Doctors don't know what they are doing. Her solution was to just stop going to the Doctors. I was becoming very upset with my wife because I was the only one working to support us while she sat at home drinking. I did not make enough to support the both of us. I began asking her family for help and explained to them that the Doctors wanted her to stop drinking. When we all had a sit down talk she told her family the doctors don't know what there talking about and no one is going to make her stop drinking. At that point I became the bad guy with her family because I went behind her back. I decided to take a new job as a detention officer that paid more money but we had to move. I told my wife and her family that if she continues to drink she needs to get a job and support it. At that point I quit giving my wife money. I did all the shopping and cooking. I put gas in my wifes car and made sure the bills were paid but i did not give her cash. We continued fighting about money all the time. I suspected her mother was giving her money for Vodka. I repetedly put out applications for better jobs and tried to become a Police Officer again in our home state with no luck. I decided to apply for another Detention Officer Job that now pays 36,480 a year. I talked it over with my wife and her family telling them its more money but cant be done without her getting a job to help because we would have to move. My wife agreed to get a job if I got a new job. So the time came that I did get the job. Now we had to move and pay rent now. My wife said she would get a job as soon as we move there. Now the time is there we found a place to live. I told my wife that I cant afford it just on my income. Now my wife says she will not find a job until she get all her belongings moved in. Now everything she owns is now in our appartment. I asked her to get a Job. She refuses saying that im still applying for jobs elsewhere so she is not going to get a job until we settle down some where. I told her if she did not get a job I want a divorce. We have been fighting so much now. I love her and dont want anyone else but I cant support us anymore and I cant get help from her family. My family says I need to just leave.


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

Sorry dude, For richer or poorer, sickness and health. Corinhians and collasians. If she is an alchoholic then maybe a seperation for a while.
Pray a lot. Good luck.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I would separate, and get some space. She needs professional help. No kids, and I wouldn't bring kids into this mess. She needs to get better, before the marriage gets better. But you can't force her. She has to want to change.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Davidmidwest said:


> Corinhians and collasians.


I apologize for a thread jack, but I wanted to ask you what this means.


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## TheBohannons (Apr 6, 2018)

Chapters in the bible. Corinthians And Colossians. New testament.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> She has to want to change.


For substance-addicted people, wanting to change can be never. Getting up, taking responsibility for themselves, putting their substance-abuse habits aside, is HARD. Sitting home, allowing you to carry the entire load is EASY. Besides, our wonderfully-ancient laws allow them, when the freeloader is a woman, to simply continue. She has no income.....you have all the income.

You can either pay for one household, or two. I can guarantee your wife won't care if you separate. She knows she can get a feminist freebee lawyer to petition the court to compel you to pay her bills. And, yes you will be buying her booze. The courts will enjoin you to give her a large portion (like 40%) of your income.

Deep inside, she knows it is her obligation to support herself, as it is for every other adult person. That is why she has given herself excuses to delay assumption of responsibility. She can do this forever.

Buddy, BTDT. 18 years. The old adage "it's cheaper to keep her".... guess what? With a person like your wife, and my former wife, it's the absolute truth.

My XW's substance of choice was prescription narcotics. The substance, to addicts, becomes the most important thing in life. Marriage, work, family, are all considered lower-priority.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

TheBohannons said:


> Chapters in the bible. Corinthians. Not to sure about the other.


Colossians.

Hopefully, @Davidmidwest will pass along specific references to the passages he has in mind.


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## rpandaf (Jun 12, 2018)

Well as far as talking to a Lawyer goes. We both got to the point of getting our own attorneys. I over heard her conversation with her lawyer who told her that she has no chance in court because we have only been married 2 1/2 years. All our possessions were acquired before Marriage and we have no children together. She had her phone on speaker. I went to talk to my own Attorneys they reconfirmed the same thing to me. I have been reaching out to my in laws with no luck. I know if I leave it will be up to them to take care of her then.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

rpandaf said:


> Well as far as talking to a Lawyer goes. We both got to the point of getting our own attorneys. I over heard her conversation with her lawyer who told her that she has no chance in court because we have only been married 2 1/2 years. All our possessions were acquired before Marriage and we have no children together. She had her phone on speaker. I went to talk to my own Attorneys they reconfirmed the same thing to me. I have been reaching out to my in laws with no luck. I know if I leave it will be up to them to take care of her then.


You did all those moves and job changes in just 2 1/2 years?

Wow.

As far as your situation, if she's asking her lawyer about her alimony chances, I think the game is over. Pull the trigger on the divorce. You've been replaced in her life by her new lovers, Jim Beam and Jack Daniels.


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## Easydoesit (Jun 12, 2018)

Your W is an alcoholic. Get her into AA and you get into Al-Anon (for family members of alcoholics)

You both need help.
She needs help to stop drinking
If she doesnt stop, it will get worse.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

@rpandaf

Prayer won't help you.

Sick leave from stress, refusal to work, refusal to stop drinking and enumerate excuses for pushing off fixing herself into the never never. Makes your wife a banner parade of problems, that will never get better.

Honestly the way your wife behaves, she is acting like a stinking dead albatross wrapped around your neck. If you don't want to be burdened with that rotten mess, divorce her now. While realising her responsibility to behave like a responsible adult, doesn't end just because she got married.

Whatever you do, I encourage you to avoid having any children with her. Since going there will see her get far worse, and see you become more mired in her mess.

At the end of the day if you don't end this marriage now, you are proving you want this mess just as much as she does.

Good luck.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Good Lord. You are married to a drunk. Forget getting her help. Thats not going to happen and would be an act of futility. 

If you want and good life, get a divorce. She will get worst.


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## MThomas (May 8, 2018)

OP your wife is a raging alcoholic. She will not find work because she can no longer be a functioning alcoholic. Even if she found a job, her drinking is top priority. Did you know of her drinking at this excess before marriage?

Her family is enabling her and so are you. You are beating your brains out to make a living and what is she doing? Besides drink? Sit her down and give her a choice -the bottle or me- -If you can't decide, I will decide for you- Get into AA, therapy to find out why you drink so much, make daily trips to unemployment to find work. OP....check out Al-Anon. You have allowed this way too long. Now it is harder to stop it.

But if you stay, it will not get better, only worse. Recently married, no kids, no assets, file for a D. If she does what you ask, don't follow through with D. But at least file to show you are serious.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

OP you married a broken person, commitment to your vows or even love will not fix her. Being married to a lazy drunk is ruining your life, the past two years should be an eye opener for you as to what your marriage will be like forever. I was in your shoes once and was a fool thinking I could fix her and things would work out, those are years of my life I can never get back. 

Divorce and get her the hell out of your life before she ruins all of it.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Run far and fast . You are working your fingers to the bone and for what??!

Addicts won't get better unless they get help themselves. You can threaten, bargain, give ultimatums, beg, and plead - it won't work. You've done some of these things already. 

And you'd be a fool to have kids with her. Your life will be hell if you stay. 

You don't have to live like this. Let her go. There are plenty of nonaddicted women who would give their eye teeth to land a man who is so hardworking and has a superlative work ethic.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

What if she gets pregnant now? Then, you will have a baby with FAS and thats no picnic. Thats messing up a child's life. Make sure she does not get pregnant.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Married less than three years, no children. A no brainier! Get divorced now before another year goes by!! Honestly, get yourself out now before it ruins your life!


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Sorry sir, but the stonewalling speaks volumes. She gives you conditions for seeking employment and then breaks her promises. In short, she has no real interest in working, and she is an alcoholic, so there is no way in the world that she is telling the truth. She wants to spend her days at home drinking and doing whatever she pleases on your nickel.

This is a behaviour that you cannot monitor or stop. You need to show some tough love at this point. Tell her that either she quits drinking and finds a job, or that you will be leaving and she will have to stand on her own two feet, rather than have you as her ATM. Her behaviour at this point will tell you what your chances are: She may capitulate. That is the desired effect. She could turn tail and run. She could hook up with another guy. She could just wear a groove into the couch, where she will be sloppy drunk for months. 

She gives every indication of alcoholism, from denying the doctors to throwing up excuses to the next step. All of which are not conducive to a healthy relationship. It's tough love or divorce. Sorry.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Married less than three years, no children. A no brainier! Get divorced now before another year goes by!! Honestly, get yourself out now before it ruins your life!


Yes, THIS. She is a leech.. pour some salt on her and free yourself. Seriously. Alcoholics WILL NOT GET HELP until they decide they need it, until then, this will be your life, unless you get yourself the hell out. She is not a partner to you. And for gods sake don't get her pregnant!


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## rpandaf (Jun 12, 2018)

*should i contact In Laws*

Ok so I have a Alcoholic Wife who sits at home and drinks all day and has no job. We both are married and no children. I don't make enough to support us both and have pretty much cut my wife off financially to any money. I pay all the bills and make sure there is food to eat and I keep gas in her car. She has all the means to go get a job but refuses and says I'm the bad person keeping her locked up at home with no money no nothing. I have reached out to her family for help before and was going to do something about the alcohol but after my wife told them all she will not stop drinking I became the bad guy. My In Laws seem shady to me now. they say I can call them anytime about anything if I need help. When I do then they call my wife and it turns into a big fight. My wife says I am a manipulator and now her family sees it. I beg her to help pay rent, stop drinking and go to counseling all the time. My wife refuses and says its all my fault she does not have a job because I am job hunting and jumping all over the place. I always tell her the reason I am always searching for jobs is because I don't make enough to support the both of us. Now I don't know if my In Laws don't like me anymore or not or if they believe me. My wife says don't involve them or call them anymore and they always tell me to call them if I need them. I feel they need to know at this point because I have told my wife that it is time for her to get a job and help financially and slow down on drinking and going to marriage counseling. My wife refuses all and says that I have no credibility with her family anymore. I just think that her family needs to know because when I leave they will soon be the ones supporting her. My family has already told me I need to leave. What is my best option? Let them know I have done everything I can or just leave and forget about everyone?


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## rpandaf (Jun 12, 2018)

Well one thing is for sure is she has a internal birth control implant which is a good thing.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

Run.

And BTW, we pay people like you, who are responsible for protecting the safety of all of us, less than people are paid who work at McDonald's. THAT is the problem with America. And we wonder why everything is so freaking screwed up.

Kudos to you for doing what you do.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

*Re: should i contact In Laws*



rpandaf said:


> Ok so I have a Alcoholic Wife who sits at home and drinks all day and has no job. We both are married and no children. I don't make enough to support us both and have pretty much cut my wife off financially to any money. I pay all the bills and make sure there is food to eat and I keep gas in her car. She has all the means to go get a job but refuses and says I'm the bad person keeping her locked up at home with no money no nothing. I have reached out to her family for help before and was going to do something about the alcohol but after my wife told them all she will not stop drinking I became the bad guy. My In Laws seem shady to me now. they say I can call them anytime about anything if I need help. When I do then they call my wife and it turns into a big fight. My wife says I am a manipulator and now her family sees it. I beg her to help pay rent, stop drinking and go to counseling all the time. My wife refuses and says its all my fault she does not have a job because I am job hunting and jumping all over the place. I always tell her the reason I am always searching for jobs is because I don't make enough to support the both of us. Now I don't know if my In Laws don't like me anymore or not or if they believe me. My wife says don't involve them or call them anymore and they always tell me to call them if I need them. I feel they need to know at this point because I have told my wife that it is time for her to get a job and help financially and slow down on drinking and going to marriage counseling. My wife refuses all and says that I have no credibility with her family anymore. I just think that her family needs to know because when I leave they will soon be the ones supporting her. My family has already told me I need to leave. What is my best option? Let them know I have done everything I can or just leave and forget about everyone?





rpandaf said:


> Ok when I met my wife we both had jobs. We both didn't make much but we did not have any children. I was a Police Officer for a small town making low income. My soon to be wife was working a entry level job. When we were about to get married, my wife went on sick leave from work because of stress (I didn't agree but supported her). Me and my wife wanted to move back to our home state. I took a new job just before our wedding in our home state that payed a lot more income but I was a Jailer instead of Peace Officer. Me and my new wife were going to work together and begin our new life. I went from being a Police Officer making 26,000 a year to a Detention Officer making 32,409 a year. I got a Part Time Job as a Curtsey Officer at a Apartment complex to get free rent but had to drive 80 miles a day to work for about 2 years. During that 2 years I begged my wife to get a job and help on the bills. My wife then developed bad neuropathy. We went to Doctor after Doctor and everyone said she needed to quit drinking. My wife became very upset and said the Doctors don't know what they are doing. Her solution was to just stop going to the Doctors. I was becoming very upset with my wife because I was the only one working to support us while she sat at home drinking. I did not make enough to support the both of us. I began asking her family for help and explained to them that the Doctors wanted her to stop drinking. When we all had a sit down talk she told her family the doctors don't know what there talking about and no one is going to make her stop drinking. At that point I became the bad guy with her family because I went behind her back. I decided to take a new job as a detention officer that paid more money but we had to move. I told my wife and her family that if she continues to drink she needs to get a job and support it. At that point I quit giving my wife money. I did all the shopping and cooking. I put gas in my wifes car and made sure the bills were paid but i did not give her cash. We continued fighting about money all the time. I suspected her mother was giving her money for Vodka. I repetedly put out applications for better jobs and tried to become a Police Officer again in our home state with no luck. I decided to apply for another Detention Officer Job that now pays 36,480 a year. I talked it over with my wife and her family telling them its more money but cant be done without her getting a job to help because we would have to move. My wife agreed to get a job if I got a new job. So the time came that I did get the job. Now we had to move and pay rent now. My wife said she would get a job as soon as we move there. Now the time is there we found a place to live. I told my wife that I cant afford it just on my income. Now my wife says she will not find a job until she get all her belongings moved in. Now everything she owns is now in our appartment. I asked her to get a Job. She refuses saying that im still applying for jobs elsewhere so she is not going to get a job until we settle down some where. I told her if she did not get a job I want a divorce. We have been fighting so much now. I love her and dont want anyone else but I cant support us anymore and I cant get help from her family. My family says I need to just leave.


Are you expecting a different answer?

Oh and please do try to use paragraphs. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paragraph



Personal said:


> @rpandaf
> 
> Prayer won't help you.
> 
> ...


Look you would do well to stick to your original thread. That said it seems to me like you are shopping for an excuse to stick it out.

You don't need an excuse to stick it out with your wife, regardless of how foolish doing so would be. If you want to maintain your rotten relationship with your wife, do exactly that and maintain it.

Just remember sticking with her makes you a volunteer not a victim.

It's your decision, no one can make it for you.

If you are determined to press on with her, despite it being so obviously a foolish decision. Do remember to own your choices and take responsibility for what you choose.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: should i contact In Laws*

Send her to live with her family. Let them buy her booze.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Moderator

These threads are now merged.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Are you renting presently? can you leave? Then file.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

You sound like a decent, hard-working man who will do whatever it takes to support your family. Unfortunately, your wife will never appreciate it and things will continue to get worse. I'm sure you want to try to fix this, but the chances of that are very unlikely. You could have such a better life on your own or with someone else. I'm sure many women would be ecstatic to have a great man like yourself. 

The truth is, if you split, your life will get much better and hers will stay about the same. The life she's living is going to be her life until she decides to change. Whether you're with her or not, she'll likely just be sitting at home drinking. It may actually be a good thing for her to be on her own. As it is now, she doesn't have to face any consequences. She gets to stay in a comfy house and drink as she likes. Maybe when she starts losing her comfortable life, the consequences of her drinking will hit her and she'll get into recovery.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

OK, no amount of prayers will save you from this. The only praying should be thanking the lord that you don't have kids and you can get out of this marriage without major loss.

You need to MOVE ON. She is a leech with a closed mind. If all these doctors tell her to quit drinking and she dont trust them its because she is weak and lack discipline to improve her life. It is NOT your job to improve her life if she doesnt want to.

A leadership quote is this: "Dont put more effort into employee's than they put into themselves"

Drop her quickly and swiftly and do not let her pleas of 'changing' change your mind


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

So, I'm going to take a slightly different tact here. Let's talk about the well-being of your wife.

Your wife has a neurological problem, so she has a health issue. She has also has a drinking problem, and the neuro problem is wrapped up in her drinking. She also has some functional problems as noted by her lack of employment. She also has relationship problems as her marriage is on the rocks. 

So you, the spouse, and all of us reading on TAM, can clearly see that she has pretty significant problems here. But how many problems do you think she sees? Maybe at best 2: her health and the fact that you and the drs are on her case for drinking. Really, she probably only sees one problem, that problem is that people are trying to interfere with her drinking.

I strongly agree with the recommendation to get to an Alanon meeting or at least look online (Soberrecovery/friends and family is often recommended). You can learn all about the most sane ways to live when you love someone with a substance problem.

You see, the very best thing that you can do for your wife right now is allow her to experience the consequences of her decision to drink. You don't cause her to drink, you can't control her drinking, and you can't cure her....but you can, and are, contributing to her drinking. 

As long as you're working and putting a roof over her head and food on the table, you are allowing her to believe that she really doesn't have any problems except for YOU. Oh, she is probably complaining about everything and everyone, but nothing will be her fault. She can continue to live in her alcoholic world and nothing has to change.

It FEELS horrible to step back and let her fall; it feels like the worse thing you can do, the most uncaring thing possible. It is totally ass-backwards to how most of us deeply believe we should treat our loved ones.

But the cold harsh truth is: her drinking has to become a really big problem for HER, before she will ever make a change. Your part, your contribution, has to change if you truly want to help her. You have to let her experience what every other normal grown human being experiences when they refuse to work to support themselves. 

It is extremely difficult to step away and let the chips fall where they may for her. I know this from hard experience. You're married and she poses legal risks for you as well, for instance, if she gets into a drunk driving accident, or if her medical condition deteriorates; either of these could end up with you responsible for big bills or worse. 

The best chance you have of helping her "wake up" and realize that she has a problem that she needs to fix is for you to step back. Send her back to her family or just leave and let her figure it out (making sure that you're in the clear legally).

But let her figure it out and fix it. 

To do this, you will need support. This is why I strongly encourage you to go in real life to an Alanon meeting; go to a few different groups if they are available where you are and find one that feels right to you. No one knows what this is really like until they've been there. 

I wish you the best of luck with this and I hope you keep posting!


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

So, lets see....You were a cop for awhile yes? What did your training tell you about drunks? uh-huh...You can't trust them. They can promise the world to you, but they will not be able to keep it. The electrical pathways in the brain are inhibited. You just can't win. And if the family is supporting her habit, she is just re-enforcing her co dependency with you financially keeping her. 

Ask you self this....What do YOU want? How do you see a marriage actually supposed to be? How is your intimacy and sex life currently?

I'm going to go on a limb here and say that with those answers, you drop her off at a Al-Anon meeting, box her stuff up and send to her parents. Then divorce. She is broken and you are not. You not making enough money is not the issue. It's not having a equal partner in your life that has your hand and your heart.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

First off, don't get her pregnant. Secondly, she needs professional help with her drinking. I would also suggest a separation to get some space to think clearly, but I would absolutely not pay her way for rent. It sounds like her family is enabling her, so maybe they'll help with the rent. Did you know she had a drinking problem before you got married? And, I agree with @Personal here too, prayer won't help you. God won't float down to your kitchen table for a chat about what to do, or to make everything better. Taking action with a level head WILL help you here though.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

rpandaf said:


> Ok when I met my wife we both had jobs. We both didn't make much but we did not have any children. I was a Police Officer for a small town making low income. My soon to be wife was working a entry level job. When we were about to get married, my wife went on sick leave from work because of stress (I didn't agree but supported her). Me and my wife wanted to move back to our home state. I took a new job just before our wedding in our home state that payed a lot more income but I was a Jailer instead of Peace Officer. Me and my new wife were going to work together and begin our new life. I went from being a Police Officer making 26,000 a year to a Detention Officer making 32,409 a year. I got a Part Time Job as a Curtsey Officer at a Apartment complex to get free rent but had to drive 80 miles a day to work for about 2 years. During that 2 years I begged my wife to get a job and help on the bills. My wife then developed bad neuropathy. We went to Doctor after Doctor and everyone said she needed to quit drinking. My wife became very upset and said the Doctors don't know what they are doing. Her solution was to just stop going to the Doctors. I was becoming very upset with my wife because I was the only one working to support us while she sat at home drinking. I did not make enough to support the both of us. I began asking her family for help and explained to them that the Doctors wanted her to stop drinking. When we all had a sit down talk she told her family the doctors don't know what there talking about and no one is going to make her stop drinking. At that point I became the bad guy with her family because I went behind her back. I decided to take a new job as a detention officer that paid more money but we had to move. I told my wife and her family that if she continues to drink she needs to get a job and support it. At that point I quit giving my wife money. I did all the shopping and cooking. I put gas in my wifes car and made sure the bills were paid but i did not give her cash. We continued fighting about money all the time. I suspected her mother was giving her money for Vodka. I repetedly put out applications for better jobs and tried to become a Police Officer again in our home state with no luck. I decided to apply for another Detention Officer Job that now pays 36,480 a year. I talked it over with my wife and her family telling them its more money but cant be done without her getting a job to help because we would have to move. My wife agreed to get a job if I got a new job. So the time came that I did get the job. Now we had to move and pay rent now. My wife said she would get a job as soon as we move there. Now the time is there we found a place to live. I told my wife that I cant afford it just on my income. Now my wife says she will not find a job until she get all her belongings moved in. Now everything she owns is now in our appartment. I asked her to get a Job. She refuses saying that im still applying for jobs elsewhere so she is not going to get a job until we settle down some where. I told her if she did not get a job I want a divorce. We have been fighting so much now. I love her and dont want anyone else but I cant support us anymore and I cant get help from her family. My family says I need to just leave.


Divorce this alcoholic. If her family won’t help give her back to them.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

rpandaf said:


> Well as far as talking to a Lawyer goes. We both got to the point of getting our own attorneys. I over heard her conversation with her lawyer who told her that she has no chance in court because we have only been married 2 1/2 years. All our possessions were acquired before Marriage and we have no children together. She had her phone on speaker. I went to talk to my own Attorneys they reconfirmed the same thing to me. I have been reaching out to my in laws with no luck. I know if I leave it will be up to them to take care of her then.


File for divorce. 

She talks to her lawyer to see if she can clean you out. She isn’t in love with you. 

File and get it over with.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

After reading what the OP has to say about not giving his wife any money, my question is WHERE IS SHE GETTING THE $$ TO BUY BOOZE????

Oh, and quit telling her family about her drinking. They can't control her drinking any more than you can.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

*Re: should i contact In Laws*



rpandaf said:


> Ok so I have a Alcoholic Wife who sits at home and drinks all day and has no job. We both are married and no children. I don't make enough to support us both and have pretty much cut my wife off financially to any money. I pay all the bills and make sure there is food to eat and I keep gas in her car. She has all the means to go get a job but refuses and says I'm the bad person keeping her locked up at home with no money no nothing. I have reached out to her family for help before and was going to do something about the alcohol but after my wife told them all she will not stop drinking I became the bad guy. My In Laws seem shady to me now. they say I can call them anytime about anything if I need help. When I do then they call my wife and it turns into a big fight. My wife says I am a manipulator and now her family sees it. I beg her to help pay rent, stop drinking and go to counseling all the time. My wife refuses and says its all my fault she does not have a job because I am job hunting and jumping all over the place. I always tell her the reason I am always searching for jobs is because I don't make enough to support the both of us. Now I don't know if my In Laws don't like me anymore or not or if they believe me. My wife says don't involve them or call them anymore and they always tell me to call them if I need them. I feel they need to know at this point because I have told my wife that it is time for her to get a job and help financially and slow down on drinking and going to marriage counseling. My wife refuses all and says that I have no credibility with her family anymore. I just think that her family needs to know because when I leave they will soon be the ones supporting her. My family has already told me I need to leave. What is my best option? Let them know I have done everything I can or just leave and forget about everyone?


Don’t say anything to her family until you are ready to divorce and have the papers in hand. Then let your wife and her family know at the same time. Don’t explain anything to them. If they raise a fuss just say she is a alcoholic and you asked for their help. Instead of getting help you run to my STBXW and stir her up against me. Now she is your concern again.


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

I would suggest that you ensure birth control beyond her internal device, if you have any kind of sex life by now. You want to make very, very sure that there is no child from this marriage; like a previous poster said, it would have FAS and that is horrible for a baby and for everybody connected to the baby.


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## Rgaines (Jun 13, 2018)

Exactly what I was thinking. If you divorced now after only one or two years with no children, the most you might have to provide monetary support for is half a year to a year and maybe not even that. That said, with your experience in police matters and detention, would you want her to raise your children? If not, even if it will cause some loneliness now, the future is yours so long as you take it. IMHO the sooner you do the more of your life you can have to accomplish what you want to accomplish. Whether that means someone who takes responsibility for their life as you do, children or whatever.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Its ok to divorce an acoholic!

Its ok to divorce someone who refuses to listen to doctors!

Its ok to divorce someone who refuses to help suport the family!


Run forest run every day you wait it will cost you. Not just money but time!


Good luck! Thanks for your service as a police officer.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Prodigal said:


> After reading what the OP has to say about not giving his wife any money, my question is WHERE IS SHE GETTING THE $$ TO BUY BOOZE????
> 
> Oh, and quit telling her family about her drinking. They can't control her drinking any more than you can.


Drunks have their ways. They lied and beg. Who knows what kinda stories she told her family about him...so they give her money because of some sap stories.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

brooklynAnn said:


> Drunks have their ways. They lied and beg. Who knows what kinda stories she told her family about him...so they give her money because of some sap stories.


You are absolutely right about this. I was married to two alcoholics (wasn't smart enough to learn my lesson the first time). She probably gives her family some b.s. story about needing a new pair of shoes or some such thing. Still, the reason I asked the question was because it sounds like the OP has a pretty tight leash on his wife. Not that it will do any good. Alcoholics are extremely resourceful when it comes to finding ways to get booze.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Davidmidwest said:


> Sorry dude, For richer or poorer, sickness and health. Corinhians and collasians. If she is an alchoholic then maybe a seperation for a while.
> Pray a lot. Good luck.


Uhhh no. This most definitely is NOT in sickness and health nor is it near richer or poorer.

No one likes to look at this way, BUT...

She's cheating on you with her addiction to alcohol.

She has chosen the bottle over you and your marriage.

Now you have to decide if you're okay with her choice.


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## Spirit (Nov 8, 2016)

Sorry buddy, but as one Of the characters said "Run Forest, run". Alcoholism in women does not have cure. I understand that you love your wife etc, but think about your mental health. Do you really want to end up in the specialized facility trying to overcome all the mental trauma you got? Stend for yourself. Be the man. Be the head of the house and family. You are the one who has to make the final decision. If you want to be happy, get a divorce or separate. Do you not deserve to be happy and be out all that misery that your wife puts you in / through?

Sent from my LG-H873 using Tapatalk


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

"Alcoholism in women does not have cure."


Uh, Spirit...I think you mean in ALL people. And it can be treated and dealt with. But they have to physically want it and do steps to achieve balance in their lives again.


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

She's using you as her safety net and support. With you around, she's protected and able to drink as much as wants. It would be an act of love to divorce, because losing that safety net gets her one step closer to getting help and trying to heal. Right now she's ruining two lives - hers and yours. And of course her parents/family want you to stay, because they don't want to take care of her. Her being married to you protects THEM, and in their minds, they can call you the bad guy and blame her problems on you because she's married to you. You're the scapegoat and fall guy for that family. Her whole family has issues. Please try to get out of this situation. You don't deserve to go down with her ship. You've done way more than many would and it was more than enough to give.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

*Re: should i contact In Laws*



rpandaf said:


> My wife refuses all and says that I have no credibility with her family anymore. I just think that her family needs to know because when I leave they will soon be the ones supporting her. My family has already told me I need to leave. What is my best option? Let them know I have done everything I can or just leave and forget about everyone?


Leave and forget about everyone. Let your alcoholic wife and her enabling family figure out how to proceed themselves. Not your circus, not your monkeys.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

With this marriage being so short and no children, I suggest that you divorce. 

You said that you cut her off financially. How is she getting drunk? A drunk, like a drug addict, will go things for their fix. Could she have a "friend" that gives her what she wants, while he gets what he wants?

Either way, working as a detention deputy is a ROUGH job. Very stressful. You don't need additional stress of a drunk combined with financial worries. That's a recipe for an early grave. Cut your losses and file for D. You will not be able to help her. 

Just as an aside, we have a few threads of BHs that tried their best to help their alcoholic wife by getting them into treatment for the wife to turn around and have an affair with a man in their support group.


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