# needing more



## efowler25 (Nov 23, 2014)

Hello all I'm a 32 year old female newly off Paxil. Paxil depletes your sex drive. Well since being off of it my husband and I have been a wee bit rocky emotionally. I think we are grasping things are going forward however........sexually I feel like we are lacking. Sex is always good, I'm never not "satisfied" however I want more. I'm a huge reader and the majority of my books are trashy romance. I've read every 50 shade and all the spin off books. These books make me want to try new things and new sexual adventures. However I'm worried my husband will take it the wrong way. Especially since everything has been Rocky for the past few weeks anyways. What's the best way to approach it? Should I in the midst of passion tell him what I want or have a talk with him?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Communication is always good. It's how you communicate that matters most. I'd suggest talking to him, and ask him if he'd be willing to step things up, and suggest starting slow and building on things that you both enjoy. Small changes can lead to the bigger changes you may want. And ask him what he would like to explore as there may be things he'd like that you don't know about. This can be win-win - unless he's low drive or upset with you for other reasons that lower his desire, in which case progress may be resisted. If the latter, deal with those issues first.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

You'll need to define "rocky" so we know how to offer advice properly. The approach depends on what he's like, what's been happening recently, etc.

Generally speaking, though, blunt is usually good. If your husband is anything like me, simply being told "this is what I want" works.


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

Communication really is the key here, as the prior comment suggested.

Just tell him what you want. If he's got a pulse and is like most other guys, your being sexually ambitious and demanding will turn his thermostat WAY UP.


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## efowler25 (Nov 23, 2014)

About three years ago I messed up and broke his trust financially. It was pretty major. Our son was diagnosed epileptic and I went on some serious spending sprees that almost resulted in us losing our home. I voluntarily went to a therapist and after several sessions he believed that the manic (or mania) part of what could be very mild bipolar was triggered my by sons seizures. I was sent to a psychiatrist and was given paxil and kolonopin to control my manic behavior. For the past 2 1/2 years things emotionally have been great, however I myself have had no emotion. People died and I've shown no emotion. Sex was like blah (we still had sex but maybe 1 or 2 a month). 

last month I started getting extremely anxious, like muscle tightening, clenched jaw type of anxious. So went to the Dr who decided to switch my meds completely to Wellbutrin. I was not properly weaned from the paxil to the wellbeing and it triggered a "pshychotic" episode. I cried for two days, no one could touch me, i was extremely angry etc. So I started seeing a new Dr who thinks with work I can control my manic tendencies without medication. So I have been medication free for a few weeks. 

My husband is scared I will go back to my old ways financially. I am however seeing a therapist once a week, and completing homework he (therapist) gives me. My husband has been to every therapy session. But now every emotion or feeling is a result of me being "off my meds". 
We had a huge blow up over the weekend and we are both trying to make things better....but at the end of the day it is my fault there is a mistrust.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

congratulations on getting your libido back!

as previous posters have alluded to, (most) men are turned on by direct approach (i.e. 'horny wife' who wants to explore and experiment).

is your husband high drive or low drive sexually?


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Coming off any kind of suppressant (actual or by proxy) can make you feel manic, even if you've merely returned to 'normal'. As others have said - communication.

Tell him you're hot, horny and ready for action. Not too many hubbies would be disappointed to hear it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

ef25, don't beat yourself up. I can see how your husband is angry or worried because of what you did financially. But this is something to be fixed, not beaten to death forever. Work with him to put safeguards in place to help reassure him you won't suddenly do the same sorts of things.

I don't know what those measures are, and perhaps you two should consult with a good financial planner. You might just start with an experienced manager at your bank. Maybe you could set credit cards up with strict limits. Put some kind of automatic notifications to him every time a new transaction goes through the bank. Maybe some kind of automatic notification from the credit agencies whenever anything comes up on either your or his social security numbers. If there is something psychological involved, be sure to address it in therapy and be sure he knows you are working hard to understand it.

Your recent meltdown has a medical explanation. Sure it was hard for him, and the conflict between you sounds like a natural reaction on both sides. I would view this as a temporary rough patch but not a deep incompatibility or something which should cause distance.

My recommendations are: Don't apologize more than once for things in the past. If you're not sure if you've apologized, do apologize. But don't take on responsibility for what isn't yours. For example you could apologize for being emotionally flat while on the meds, and you could apologize for putting him through the recent difficult patch when you came off the meds. You could directly say that you know it was hard for him. But don't then disparage yourself. Don't say "its all my fault" or "I'm such a loser". If a meteor had hit your car and broken your leg, you'd feel badly that your husband had to deal with all kinds of hassles but you would not be a loser for being hit by the meteor. "I'm sorry you had to deal with all of the hassles with the car and me being in a cast".

Do thank him several times for being there for you. Tell him you appreciate his strength. As in the meteor situation, him helping you through the tough times is something to be appreciated. Hearing this from you will be big emotional deposits in his love bank.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

As far as the sex, you can either be blunt or you can be calculated. Generally if you want to have a discussion about sex, do it outside of the bedroom. But if you want to just tell him you want to try X tonight, you could do that in the bedroom.

Being direct is good if he is able to have a good conversation about sex. You could even tell him ahead of time you want to have a discussion later about some ideas for fun the bedroom. This way he can get used to the idea of talking about it.

Or you can be indirect. You can simply say you want to try X as you're climbing in bed. Then another night you can say you want to try Y. Then next week you can ask him what he wants to do (or tell him tonight is his choice).

A game I like is alternating My Night / Your Night. It is established ahead of time that one night you will decide everything, another night he will. You can even go to the extreme of you not doing anything without him telling you specifically what to do. You can put ideas on little bits of paper and every week pull one out randomly.

As I went back and looked at your original post you said you worried he might "take it the wrong way" that you wanted to try some different things. What is the wrong way he might take it?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Wellbutrin has a reputation for increasing anxiety and manic behavior. I'm surprised your doc put you on that one.

You know your husband best, so the approach should depend on how he normally reacts to sexual suggestions. Is he inhibited, or just unimaginative?


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## efowler25 (Nov 23, 2014)

Thor said:


> ef25, don't beat yourself up. I can see how your husband is angry or worried because of what you did financially. But this is something to be fixed, not beaten to death forever. Work with him to put safeguards in place to help reassure him you won't suddenly do the same sorts of things.
> 
> I don't know what those measures are, and perhaps you two should consult with a good financial planner. You might just start with an experienced manager at your bank. Maybe you could set credit cards up with strict limits. Put some kind of automatic notifications to him every time a new transaction goes through the bank. Maybe some kind of automatic notification from the credit agencies whenever anything comes up on either your or his social security numbers. If there is something psychological involved, be sure to address it in therapy and be sure he knows you are working hard to understand it.



We have already done that. I've actually surrendered my checking account, the account is only in his name. I deposit my paychecks directly into his account. We are doing the Dave Ramsey financial peace so we use cash only. We've already paid of ALL credit cards and financially the best we've been in years. And I'm ok with not having access to the account because it allows me to not go on shopping sprees. I carry cash and when it's gone......it's gone. He just has that nagging voice in the back of his head, and I understand. I'm ashamed of my behaviors but not to the point that I feel the need to over apologize and I don't generally beat myself up but I'm very real in what happened. I screwed up, however I have and will.continue to take steps to fix my personal problems. Hopefully continuing to work on me will help judge the sex thing.too. Hopefully I will gain more confidence and eventually gain the emotions I've lost over this!!


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## efowler25 (Nov 23, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> congratulations on getting your libido back!
> 
> 
> 
> is your husband high drive or low drive sexually?


low, however I feel as though he got used to the once or twice a month routine. I feel like the low sex drive is a result not getting it lol!!


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## efowler25 (Nov 23, 2014)

And like I really really want to explore. I've always had this underlying thing for woman. I would love to try being with another woman, however I would be devastated if my husband did. So not sure how that conversation would go. I mean not being with a woman will not ruin my life, however I do appreciate a beautiful woman and I love girl on girl porno.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Perhaps stick to watching girl on girl porn with him... Bringing other people into your bedroom isn't something to be taken lightly.especially if your relationship is rocky to begin with.

C


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