# Sex Before/After Marriage - is it me? Am I emasculating him?



## MRi (Jan 2, 2010)

Before my husband and I got married, we were the "typical" sexual couple. It was constant, every night, more then once kind of thing. We were a new couple and I can see why it was so great ( that cat and mouse kind of thing ). We were together for 2 years off and on and the sex was never something to complain about.

Since we have gotten married, our sex life has slowed down so much. I used to cry because I thought that it was my fault. I never felt pretty or sexy. I didn't think that he was attracted to me anymore...

Well we are now going on our one year wedding anniversary in about 2 weeks... 

My biggest worry is this ... 

I'm only 20, my husband is only 23 ... when I want to initiate sex ... it NEVER happens ... meaning He always has to be in control! Since our sex life is so slim, I don't turn him down when he finally comes on to me...

My questions are these ... will this ever get better? - Should I turn him down sometimes so I can be in control every once in a while? - and I guess .. am I emasculating him by wanting to come on to him and be in control sometimes ... it seems like it's hard for him to get "hot" when I want to be a little dominant.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You two are way to young to be having a dramatic fall off of sexual frequency.

You need to have a talk with him about this. Has he said anything about it not being "right" for you to initiate sex?

You two need to discuss what's ok between the two of you.

Most men are fine with their wives initiating sex in addition to them initiating sex.

If you want more, make it happen!


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## millmant (Dec 23, 2009)

I wish I was more honest with my wife regarding sex. Yes I enjoyed it very much, but for her, I felt like it was a chore for her.

When you say he has to control the sex, you are saying he does the tempo, positions whatever.....

Really, it's all about communicating and respecting both you and your partners desires and wishes.


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## MRi (Jan 2, 2010)

We have talked about our sex life before. He usually says, " since we are married now - I know that I can have it, unlike when we were dating " something to that effect. 

I mean .. I don't know what to do?! 

Michzz you are right, I think we are WAY to young to be having these issues ... and millmant ... I think communication is totally where we lack ...


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I'm 51 now. All I know is that if my wife wanted more sex I'd be up for it. And at 23? I'd be WAY up for it.

Who cares who initiates? Not me!

Life's too short for those games.

I hope you feel free enough to approach him about this--don't let him brush off your needs.


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## poets't heart (Jan 1, 2010)

We had a fall off when the kids came. Part of that may have been that we co sleep. Recently I have been exercising and have regained some lost form. The sex life improved dramatically. HOwever, I am always the one initiating now and would really appreciate my wife initiating things. Seems to me that it is a bit early to have this drop off--I am certainly no expert though


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MRi said:


> Since our sex life is so slim, I don't turn him down when he finally comes on to me...
> 
> My questions are these ... will this ever get better? - Should I turn him down sometimes so I can be in control every once in a while? - and I guess .. am I emasculating him by wanting to come on to him and be in control sometimes ... it seems like it's hard for him to get "hot" when I want to be a little dominant.


yes, turn him down. not out of a power play, or to try and make him want sex with you. that's manipulation and will never help. turn him down because, when you do have sex, do you feel loved? how do you feel when you are with him now? 

If you dont feel good and you're having sex b/c its sparse and you're afraid of what will happen if you dont, then you're headed down a bad path. 

If it doesnt bother you though, then dont turn him down. the point is, do what makes you feel good about yourself and not what you think will gain you control over how he relates to you. that is just manipulation. focus on how you feel and what helps you feel at peace with yourself.


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## MRi (Jan 2, 2010)

*do what makes you feel good about yourself *

This is great advise thank you so much!

Thank you everyone for your input!

I talked to my husband about all of the things that have been said in this thread. I think that things are looking better 

Although I can't tell right now obviously, but I do feel better about it all.

Thanks!


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

There are different ways of initiating sex; you don't necessarily have to approach, you can just invite. My wife once walked into the living room naked and started unzipping my jeans. She had my attention, and we had a fine time. But it may be that your husband finds that a little too forward, or not enough ladylike, or something.

But that doesn't mean you can't be more subtle and still get what you want. When it gets to bedtime, be first to brush your teeth and get into whatever you sleep in; then, while he's getting ready, you stretch out on the bed, in a position you know he likes. Ideally, he'll get turned on and approach you.


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

Wow... you guys are so young. I think marriage is really hard, especially when you're young it is daunting to think about how 40 years from now you'll be in your early 60s and still with the same person. That's a heavy weight if you are 20 or 23 or whatever and maybe starting to think about things like, "did I get enough of this or enough of that?"

My H was married and divorced before we met. He married his first wife at 24 (he's 42 now and I'm 35). He told me that he "gave up" on that marriage because he "didn't understand that being committed is not the same thing as 'wanting' something." So when he started thinking that maybe he didn't want to be married, in his mind that meant that there was something wrong with the marriage. 

It's really important to understand that whenever you're committed to something, it's natural to question your commitment from time to time. That doesn't mean that what you committed to isn't valid, it just means you're a human being. Wants, wishes, hopes, and desires change like the weather. Commitments endure through all kinds of weather.

I share this because my H (who is a very sexual guy) tells me that in his first marriage he rarely had sex with his wife. Now, she sounds like she was kind of a shrew but I don't know that for sure. I never met her. He says he felt trapped, he didn't like being married, etc. But he also says that if he had been more mature about it at the time, he could have made it work. 

I don't know if any of that stuff is going on in your relationship, but I think you probably need to do some talking to find out what is really going on. It's probably not going to be easy, because men especially feel vulnerable and tend to clam up tighter than... well, tighter than a clam. 

Of course, you can also resort to masturbating in front of him, which a lot of guys seem to really like, and which can lead to some fun times. So try it all.


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## millmant (Dec 23, 2009)

MRi said:


> *do what makes you feel good about yourself *
> 
> This is great advise thank you so much!
> 
> ...


 I really hope things work out for you


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## LuckyCharmH (Jan 4, 2010)

we are almost the same age. and our x life slowed as well. sometimes that is normal if you work a lot or have kids or other things are going. before getting married was a lot more.
do you work too?
if you don't work that is normal to have these thoughts and emotions. 
and if you do work. may be you guys not able to find the right time. 
in either way. my advice the following:
1- at home dress sexy and don't initiate sex to him
2- always as much as you can dress nice and sexy. 
3- sometimes tease him. do something to him while you guys watching TV or on bed sleep. 
4- express your fantasy. guys get turned on by threesome stories. 

what you going through is normal. things before marriage not the same after you get married.


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