# If it has to be, it will be - is it true?



## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

People often says "when he's the right one it WILL work out". But is this true?

I recently had to let a very special being to me go. He and I had a huge connection (his words) and I think we indeed had.
Everything about us fit so well.. From sense of humor and conversations to kiss and intimacy. I have never had something like this. It felt SO RIGHT! I'm so scared I'll never find such a connection again.

We had to go on separate ways because timing is so wrong. He's not doing internally well, and starting something during quarantine didn't work for us.

It has been 4 days since we decided to end and I keep thinking that I could've handled this differently in order not to let him go. And I keep thinking that maybe, when things are back to normal we will start over.

I feel so stupid I let someone that matched me in so many ways go. Do you believe that things will work out if they are meant to be or maybe nothing is really meant to be and we actually need to work towards it in order to make it "meant to be"?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

My interpretation of that old saying is:
When two people connect so well, they will do whatever it takes to make it possible. 
Take it as you will.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Nina0 said:


> People often says "when he's the right one it WILL work out". But is this true?
> ....
> We had to go on separate ways because timing is so wrong. He's not doing internally well, and starting something during quarantine didn't work for us.


No, that's not true as stated. However, when you both _feel_ and think that you're right for each other, you'll both be _motivated_ to make greater than normal efforts to make it work.

My current relationship of 20+ years started with bad timing and a temporary split where we went our own ways. I had never met anyone as ideally suited before - and haven't since. Six months later the circumstances changed and we got back together. We were both motivated to find a way to make it work once the insurmountable issue was gone.


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## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

Married but Happy said:


> No, that's not true as stated. However, when you both _feel_ and think that you're right for each other, you'll both be _motivated_ to make greater than normal efforts to make it work.
> 
> My current relationship of 20+ years started with bad timing and a temporary split where we went our own ways. I had never met anyone as ideally suited before - and haven't since. Six months later the circumstances changed and we got back together. We were both motivated to find a way to make it work once the insurmountable issue was gone.


@Married but Happy would you mind sharing why it was bad timing?


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Nina, did you break up with him? As in, you instigated the breakup against his wishes? 

Did he say he isn't ''doing well internally'' or did you come to that conclusion?


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## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

OnTheFly said:


> Nina, did you break up with him? As in, you instigated the breakup against his wishes?
> 
> Did he say he isn't ''doing well internally'' or did you come to that conclusion?


@OnTheFly the whole story is on another post, but basically he's depressed and finding out who he is. He's 21. And because of the virus school is not open, so to save money he will move back to his parents for the summer. It's 3 hours away. I didn't break up, we mutually came to a conclusion that it was better for us to end here. But in the conversation he suggested keep coming up to see me once every two weeks and I said that wouldn't work for me because I knew that some weeks he would cancel and I would get all bummed out.
Then he suggested giving a relationship a pause and pick things up in the Fall but I told him that wouldn't work because I was gonna spend all these months expecting for the Fall and maybe he wouldn't feel the same then.
I feel like I rejected all his ideas and I regret. Having him coming to see me once in awhile is better than not seeing him at all.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Nina0 said:


> People often says "when he's the right one it WILL work out". But is this true?
> 
> I recently had to let a very special being to me go. He and I had a huge connection (his words) and I think we indeed had.
> Everything about us fit so well.. From sense of humor and conversations to kiss and intimacy. I have never had something like this. It felt SO RIGHT! I'm so scared I'll never find such a connection again.
> ...


No, not at all. 
We are free to make our own decisions and choices...based on facts, feelings, intellect and our knowledge. 
I do not believe that any "force" will push you two back together. 
Unless there is a legit, big time reason to not be together then you risk losing this if you end it for any trivial, short term based reasoning. 
If you truly feel this is someone you can spend the rest of your life with then you shouldn't end things unless the reasons are really big and cannot be overcome.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Nina0 said:


> @Married but Happy would you mind sharing why it was bad timing?


There were several things going on at the time. Her housemate and on/off boyfriend decided he wanted another chance. I was non-exclusively dating someone in a VERY long-distance relationship (VLDR) and had a three week trip planned to see if it was worth pursuing. We also lived over an hour apart, making things complicated with jobs, exes, and kids. To be fair to each other and our other connections, we needed to resolve the external issues one way or the other. Six months later, her housemate once again flaked on her negating any relationship potential, my VLDR was not going to develop into anything either, and I managed to arrange a telecommuting agreement at work so we could spend a lot more time together. There were still huge challenges due to our kids and custody, but we figured them out with some very persistent and creative thinking - and a little cooperation from my ex.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Nina0 said:


> @OnTheFly the whole story is on another post, but basically he's depressed and finding out who he is. He's 21. And because of the virus school is not open, so to save money he will move back to his parents for the summer. It's 3 hours away. I didn't break up, we mutually came to a conclusion that it was better for us to end here. But in the conversation he suggested keep coming up to see me once every two weeks and I said that wouldn't work for me because I knew that some weeks he would cancel and I would get all bummed out.
> Then he suggested giving a relationship a pause and pick things up in the Fall but I told him that wouldn't work because I was gonna spend all these months expecting for the Fall and maybe he wouldn't feel the same then.
> I feel like I rejected all his ideas and I regret. Having him coming to see me once in awhile is better than not seeing him at all.


I see. 

I don't think your viewpoint is wrong. 

I agree, that once two people are broken up, it's done, over. None of this lingering around stuff, it's just unnecessary.

You may have regrets, but you may have also dodged a bullet. Who's to say his depression isn't deep to the bone, and 20 years from now he's still fighting it, and trying to finding himself?

I don't believe in fate. Many, many bad decisions have been made in the name of kismet. You seem to have your head screwed on correctly....learn from this experience and go forward.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Nina0 said:


> @OnTheFly the whole story is on another post, but basically he's depressed and finding out who he is. He's 21. And because of the virus school is not open, so to save money he will move back to his parents for the summer. It's 3 hours away. I didn't break up, we mutually came to a conclusion that it was better for us to end here. But in the conversation he suggested keep coming up to see me once every two weeks and I said that wouldn't work for me because I knew that some weeks he would cancel and I would get all bummed out.
> Then he suggested giving a relationship a pause and pick things up in the Fall but I told him that wouldn't work because I was gonna spend all these months expecting for the Fall and maybe he wouldn't feel the same then.
> I feel like I rejected all his ideas and I regret. Having him coming to see me once in awhile is better than not seeing him at all.


You sound as if you feel really unsure. 
I'd suggest in that situation to just keep getting together with him and talking this over more. Some really in depth talks.


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## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

hinterdir said:


> You sound as if you feel really unsure.
> I'd suggest in that situation to just keep getting together with him and talking this over more. Some really in depth talks.


But we haven't talked since then. It has been 4 days already. How can I just say "hey nevermind I actually wanna try that".


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

He's 21. He's in college. He's living at home for the summer before classes start again, 3 hours away from where you are.

I think you need to let this go for now.

Adding again.. he's 21.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There’s no such thing (IMO) as “The One” or “Meant to Be”. People are compatible with many and not just one person. When that does happen, it’s very rare and not the norm. Not to mention he’s very young. Maybe you’ll reconnect later. In the meantime, work on you.


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## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

Another thing... Our majors are the same so we have a lot of friends in common.
I met a guy on tinder (we didn't meet in person, only talked on Instagram) before my ex and I decided to be together. We were kind of flirting and only didn't meet because of social distancing. Ended up like this guy is one of my ex's friend and is friend with lots of my own friends.
When my ex and I decided to be together I let this tinder guy know that I was in a relationship now (that's when we found out we both knew my ex) and he said it was all good. We kept talking like normal friends. Now that I broke up, his friend went on a full friend mode for me. He's being very supportive because he knows I'm having a hard time and we text all day long everyday since then. He even called me on the day of the break up to try to help. We will meet for a walk next week. Do you think it's fishy or it's all good? I feel a bit weird because we actually met on tinder but now I feel like he's only someone else from our group of friends. I really like his support though.
This is starting to look like a teen tv show 🤦


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Nina0 said:


> But we haven't talked since then. It has been 4 days already. How can I just say "hey nevermind I actually wanna try that".


Just be direct.
Tell him you don't really have peace about your agreement, tell him you wanted to see him and talk about it some more.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Nina0 said:


> Another thing... Our majors are the same so we have a lot of friends in common.
> I met a guy on tinder (we didn't meet in person, only talked on Instagram) before my ex and I decided to be together. We were kind of flirting and only didn't meet because of social distancing. Ended up like this guy is one of my ex's friend and is friend with lots of my own friends.
> When my ex and I decided to be together I let this tinder guy know that I was in a relationship now (that's when we found out we both knew my ex) and he said it was all good. We kept talking like normal friends. Now that I broke up, his friend went on a full friend mode for me. He's being very supportive because he knows I'm having a hard time and we text all day long everyday since then. He even called me on the day of the break up to try to help. We will meet for a walk next week. Do you think it's fishy or it's all good? I feel a bit weird because we actually met on tinder but now I feel like he's only someone else from our group of friends. I really like his support though.
> This is starting to look like a teen tv show 🤦


He isn't being there for you....he just see's his opening and he is making a play for you now and being "supportive" is his angle. 
You sound kind of naive..how old are you?
You sound a little too trusting and oblivious to the advances and ploys of guys. 
If he is friends with your other guy it is in poor taste of him to try and get in so close to you now. 
You are kind of letting it happen too. 
Unless you actually have interest in this other guy and dating your "exes" friend then I'd just stay clear of him and hanging out one on one like this.


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## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

Do you really think so? 
It could also be that he's also isolated and wants to connect with people right? Quarantine does funny things to people. We haven't been flirting at all anymore. But we text all day long. And I'm letting this happen because I'm in no place to reject people from talking to me since I'm completely isolated.
Am I being this naive?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I don't believe in fate or soulmates or anything of that nature. 

Do you have any female friends you can lean on? I think you need to do more talking to females for awhile and work on yourself,as someone upthread suggested.

You have a very active brain. You like to break everything down and decipher every little nuance. You wouldn't do that with a female, I'm guessing. You need to give your brain a break.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I do think that you are naive 

going bak to break up with your boyfriend - it doesn’t really has to be so definite. Fall is not that far away. If your connection is really that strong it would not be hard to keep it going over distance and occasional meet up.
But I think you have your reservations. 
first, his depression. This is hard issue in more mature relationship, this new and young -it simply might be to much for you to handle.
Second, you said even if you make plans to meet up, he will cancel. So there is history there of him not keeping his commitments. It might be because of his depression or just character trait.

sometime we meet people who are great much on multiple levels but there is this small tiny “but”. is there a “but” and if yes, how significant?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

IMO, "if it's meant to be it will be" is something that lazy or indecisive people say. They hope things will work out on their own without them having to put in any effort or make a decision. If it doesn't work out, "well, it wasn't meant to be". If they end up with someone else then the previous relationship ending was "meant to be" and the new relationship is "meant to be". Until it's not... and the next set of circumstances is "meant to be". 

I don't believe in fate, soulmates, or "the one", and no relationship will "just work out" if it's "meant to be". Whoever you do end up with isn't "the one". They are just one of the millions of people on this planet that you are compatible with and chose to put in the effort with. 

People come together based on a set of circumstances, and it's up to them to make that relationship work. If a couple meets it's because they were both in circumstances to meet. Not because some divine intervention made sure they were in the same place, at the same time, and looking for the same things. That person just happened to be there, if they hadn't then it would have been someone else and you'd be none the wiser. 

I broke up with my wife several times while we were dating. The longest stretch was 3 months and we both saw other people during that time. She tried to contact me but I went no-contact and had no intention of getting back together with her. I was in college and went home for Christmas, happened to see her, and here we are. I highly doubt we'd be married if I hadn't gone home for Christmas that year, but that wasn't "fate". I don't think anything about our marriage would make someone think we were "meant to be", it's been a ****fest.


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## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

WandaJ said:


> I do think that you are naive
> 
> going bak to break up with your boyfriend - it doesn’t really has to be so definite. Fall is not that far away. If your connection is really that strong it would not be hard to keep it going over distance and occasional meet up.
> But I think you have your reservations.
> ...


@WandaJ our "but" is that he is 21 and is dealing with depression. On Tuesday we met and he told me he's craving independency from his friends and want to find out who he is. He didn't want to let me go because he really liked me, but told me he wasn't ready to fall in love. I told him that love comes with time anyway and he said I was right. He also asked me what I wanted for us if our lives were normal, and I said I wanted us to be just like a normal couple. Then he said that sounded beautiful and awesome, and then said it sounded awful at the same time because when he's with someone he kind of becomes that person a little and he's at a moment where he really wants to get to know himself more. Then he suggested those things in order for us to stay together but at that moment I didn't see a reason to keep trying. I kind of regret now.
I told him he could ask me out on a date in the fall if I was still single. Then he kissed me a last time and went home.


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## .339971 (Sep 12, 2019)

I can kind of relate but I do indeed. I’ve been talking to someone for three months now almost every single day (and feelings did get involved) and while I feel that there could be more, I’m also just not sure because she just has entirely too much going on with her right now. But sometimes you just have to let go of if the ones you love and do what’s right for you. But if they come back to you, then I think it might be meant to be.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Nina0 said:


> People often says "when he's the right one it WILL work out". But is this true?


No. There is no relationship so good that it can't be screwed up.

How good this relationship is or what you ought to do is a separate question.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone you care about is to leave that person alone. 

If he needs space to deal with mental health issues then give him space and leave him alone.

You need to deal with your own insecurity issues as well. 

If you feel like going out with that tinder guy, go out and have fun. He's not proposing marriage. Just be yourself! And relax! 

When I met my husband I thought there's no way we could be together as a couple. I went out with him, did a lot of fun things but wasn't worried about him liking me. He wanted to date me, I wasn't sure about dating him. Time went by and fell in love with him. We've been married 17 years.

Just relax, enjoy the company of others and be yourself!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Nina0 said:


> Having him coming to see me once in awhile is better than not seeing him at all.


No it isn't honey, you'd be living in limbo all the time. You can't move on if you're tied to him.



Nina0 said:


> @WandaJ our "but" is that he is 21 and is dealing with depression. On Tuesday we met and he told me he's craving independency from his friends and want to find out who he is. He didn't want to let me go because he really liked me, *but told me he wasn't ready to fall in love*. I told him that love comes with time anyway and he said I was right. He also asked me what I wanted for us if our lives were normal, and I said I wanted us to be just like a normal couple. Then he said that sounded beautiful and awesome, and then said it sounded awful at the same time because when he's with someone he kind of becomes that person a little and he's at a moment where he really wants to get to know himself more. Then he suggested those things in order for us to stay together but at that moment I didn't see a reason to keep trying. I kind of regret now.
> I told him he could ask me out on a date in the fall if I was still single. Then he kissed me a last time and went home.


The bolded is all you need to know. You need to let him go. If he comes back in the fall, asks you out, and you're available and WANT to see him, by all means go for it. Until then, let him go, let him go, let him go.

In the meantime, live your life - accept dates, live for you.

You did the right thing x


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## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

Thank you @frusdil! I wish you were my friend or something.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@Nina0 

The friend is indeed now seeing his opening.

Your texting each other throughout the day, multiple days now? 

His plan is working. 

Bear in mind, if you and ex bf are talking with this guy, your ex bf will hear all about it. It's poss they're already talking of this whole thing.


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## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

We are literally talking about normal things about school and life. No flirt, nothing. And he knows I'm still pretty sad. If he is looking for an opportunity he will hit a brick wall and he knows that. He's also isolated so he might just be happy to talk to someone since all of our other friends let town.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Nina0 said:


> @WandaJ
> 
> I told him he could ask me out on a date in the fall if I was still single. Then he kissed me a last time and went home.


That’s actually pretty good thing to say (I think). You left the door open without putting pressure on him.
And he has being honest about where he is in his life.
go, live your life. Maybe you will get together, maybe not, but these few months should clarify things for both of you


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I agree with Wanda... that's a good way to leave things. I also think it's good that he's been honest about where he's at. And Nina, you have been rational/practical in highlighting your own fears (him letting you down) and such. That indicates your hesitation with him - which is valid. I think just leave things as they are from here... he's sorting things out for himself, which is good. Continue on your own path. The seasons will come and go. Remain open to this adventure of life... and keep making good decisions for yourself.

Before I met Batman, I was briefly dating a guy who wanted us to move in together. I REALLY dug him. He used to serenade me with The Doors and could cook..! haha. He wanted a more serious relationship; that's not what I was about. Turns out though, it's not what I was about... _with him_. We parted ways. And shortly after - cue Batman. A couple months in, Batman was due to go back to his home country. Leading up to that time, we remained quite breezy while also deepening our connection. Then he said he liked what was unfolding between us, didn't want to risk losing that, and decided to stay. Huzzah! Within 6 months, we were discussing moving in together, and within a year, living together. A snap shot of decisions, and remaining open... oh and, I'm aware the other guy mentioned in this blurb, became lead singer of a 'Doors' tribute band, before settling down and starting a family in his 20's (what he'd wanted).


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## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

Thank you for sharing your story @heartsbeating.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Nina0 said:


> We are literally talking about normal things about school and life. No flirt, nothing. And he knows I'm still pretty sad. If he is looking for an opportunity he will hit a brick wall and he knows that. He's also isolated so he might just be happy to talk to someone since all of our other friends let town.


This is all part of his plan.

Ask him over for supper. See how fast he says ok, if you think it's all right.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Nina0 said:


> People often says "when he's the right one it WILL work out". But is this true?


I would say the logic is reversed.

"If it works out, he's a right one." Meaning that there is no mystical force necessarily driving things to work out with the One True Love, but that if things work out, he could be a good fit.

Think of it more a test for compatibility, fit, and timing more than a faith based approach. Because later on, this kind of magical thinking can be harmful - if things get rocky, well "maybe he's not my One True Love, because if he is, it wouldn't be hard." Everything good takes work. But everything good that takes work is also mostly positive, and has some kind of payoff.


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## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

Thank you all. A question... Should I keep in touch with him or not even text? We haven't texted in a week. I miss him very much but I don't know if I should send him a "hi how are you doing?"


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Nina0 said:


> Thank you all. A question... Should I keep in touch with him or not even text? We haven't texted in a week. I miss him very much but I don't know if I should send him a "hi how are you doing?"


No honey. No. Then you'll be on tenterhooks waiting for a response. If it doesn't come, you'll be hurt all over again.

It's normal to miss him, I know it hurts, but you're not together anymore. Don't make this harder for you than it needs to be. This too shall pass xx


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

The problem is that if you text him, and open the conversations back up, YOU can't detach from your feelings for him.
I don't think it would be good for YOU if you texted him, emotionally.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Nina0 said:


> Thank you all. A question... Should I keep in touch with him or not even text? We haven't texted in a week. I miss him very much but I don't know if I should send him a "hi how are you doing?"


I'd say no. I found when I was dating that if I stayed in contact too much after realizing it wasn't going to work just left me hanging and made it way too easy to keep putting energy into a dead relationship, instead of going out and finding a new one.

It will also be good for him to wonder if you've already moved on - that will clarify things for him as well.

So just leave it be.


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## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

Thanks, I won't send it then. And by the way, you guys were right about the other guy. Guy pretending be your friend when you need friends the most. Yay!


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