# User Name Sums It Up



## empty

This is my first post after reading many other threads and realizing I am not alone it a marriage with overwhelming problems.

I have been married for over 2 decades. My husband literally changed at the alter. The man I dated that was easy to talk to, shared interest with me, and a great sex partner ceased to exit.

One of the first things he shared with me was that he did'nt like to be touched during lovemaking. OK ( I guess), but I like to be touched and caressesed. He refuses since he doesn't like to touch or be touched. Maybe I have a problem ,but I need a little mor stimulation than a couple of kisses and an erection.

I know the next statement will sound even more astonishing- we have never discussed any problem to resolve it. He puts up his hand and says "I am not ready to talk about it." Everything just festers with no resolution.

I have bought tapes, books, cds, dvds over the years and tried to get him to participate in changing our relationship to no avail. His take on counciling has been that it is for weak minded people.

I have only stayed in the marriage due to my Christian faith. I know that premarital sex is not acceptable, but did it anyway. I am proof that it is no guaranteed that if it is satisfying before marriage, it will be satisfying during the marriage.

About 1 1/2 yrs ago I started talking to an aquaintance on the phone. It got to be more and more. I felt so connected with him. I lived for those calls. They seemed to be the only thing I had to be happy about. My husband started realizing the connection between us and came unglued. At that point I was ready to walk out. I mean if God can forgive Charles Manson, can't he forgive me?

When my husband realized I was ready to end our marriage, he swore he loved me and understood why I felt the way I did and yes, I had been trying to get us on track without any participation from him. And of course, he was a changed man. He was really going to try. 

He was attentive and acted as if he was really listening for about 6-8 months. No longer threated by the emotional affair that I had ended. I guess he thinks he does'nt have to try any more.

Our sex life never got better, which is my fault since I am totally disinterested. I just endure it. I do fantasize about it an awful lot though. 

I am only still married due to my comittment to God. I am on antidepressants so I don't feel like crying as much as I did. 

I need advice from others that don't find divorce acceptable.

How can I thrive as an individual in an empty marriage?


Empty


----------



## one wife

You have a rough road. I can only tell you from experience that I had to find happiness by myself to be happy in marriage. It may sound silly but we need to love ourselves and find the gifts and interests that fulfill us in life almost as if we were single, while still being thoughtful of our mates. 

Since I have done that, I have learned to be happy with or without my hubby. And that seems to make him more attracted to me!

Hope this helps. Good luck...


----------



## MarkTwain

I have also been with my wife for 2 decades...

You say you never discussed things. You need to start. He is not telepathic. 

Tell me more about the sex. How often does he want it, and how often does he get it.


----------



## empty

MarkTwain said:


> I have also been with my wife for 2 decades...
> 
> You say you never discussed things. You need to start. He is not telepathic.
> 
> Tell me more about the sex. How often does he want it, and how often does he get it.


The non-communication is on his part. I have read many books, listened to many tapes etc on non-accusitory methods of talking about things. He wants no part of it and will become angry and walk off. 

The sex life is just plain dull. I know that witholding sex is destructive to a marriage,so I do not do that. I have tried to talk to him re: the no touching. Another brick wall. 

I do have alot of interest such as biking, camping, hiking that I share with my mate. 

I have separate interest also, such as reading, sewing, cooking, rollerblading that I enjoy.

The real problem is no intimacy between us. I don't mean the physical kind. 

But to address that issue I would like a great sex life. The minimal kissing followed by intercourse is boring and unsatisfying.
I have tried to get him to open his mind to different lovemaking ideas. Again, another brick wall.

Empty


----------



## MarkTwain

empty-

If you were to tell him you are not going to have sex unless he becomes interested in what you are getting out of it, and what you want, he would soon take notice.

Two questions..

What is the frequency of sex?

Was he different in bed before you got married?


----------

