# Did you ask them to read about infidelity?



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Just wondering how the WS who was still in the affair responded to you asking them to read books, articles and essays on the nature of infidelity. Did it have an effect?


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## BlackjackBob (Nov 9, 2012)

I suggested it after the first DDay. She went along with it enthusiastically, read a few pages and the book never seen the light of day again. Some cheaters simply have no interest at all in cleaning their act up. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck... Nothing will convince them to change. It is who they are, sadly. 

I can see such books having a possitive influence on one timers, though.

That's my two cents anyway.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

*Sv: Re: Did you ask them to read about infidelity?*



staystrong said:


> Just wondering how the WS who was still in the affair responded to you asking them to read books, articles and essays on the nature of infidelity. Did it have an effect?


No. Not at all.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Words aren't going to snap someone out of the fog of an affair. Whether it's from the BS's mouth, a book, an article, a website, or whatever. The only thing that works is action and consequences. The sooner the more effective.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

*Sv: Re: Did you ask them to read about infidelity?*



Jasel said:


> Words aren't going to snap someone out of the fog of an affair. Whether it's from the BS's mouth, a book, an article, a website, or whatever. The only thing that works is action and consequences. The sooner the more effective.


I agree, but if you haven't dealt with it before, you don't know that. 

You tend to think that it's because the cheater doesn't know what they're doing, that they cheat.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Why would you do that? After all, they are the experts in infidelity. 

Sorry. Feeling a little jaded today..


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Why would you do that? After all, they are the experts in infidelity.
> 
> Sorry. Feeling a little jaded today..


Is that because of me? If so, I'm sorry. 

As not to threadjack, Michelle Langley says reading about infidelity can bring back people from the Stage 1: I'm unhaaaaapppppyy. phase. In stages deeper than that, no.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> Is that because of me? If so, I'm sorry.
> 
> As not to threadjack, Michelle Langley says reading about infidelity can bring back people from the Stage 1: I'm unhaaaaapppppyy. phase. In stages deeper than that, no.


In part, yes, but not entirely.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Jasel said:


> Words aren't going to snap someone out of the fog of an affair. Whether it's from the BS's mouth, a book, an article, a website, or whatever. *The only thing that works is action and consequences. *


Our MC suggest several books for my Wife (cheater) to read. They just confirmed what she already knew about herself and her cheating. Long before getting caught, she knew that discovery would probable end in divorce. Since our marriage "was already so broken"... acceptable consequence. 

However, the real wake up call came from our grown children. The total disgust, the response that she was no longer their mother, the complete separation with no contact forever had more effect on her than anything else. 

As you say... *Consequences.*


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Okay, I see a few different responses:

- They won't bothering reading it or they don't like what they see and refuse to read more
- They read it early on enough that they see a road they don't want to go down
- They read it and it confirms what they already know since they're a cheater

I guess I'm wondering did it ever help de-fog the "it just happened" or "it was meant to be" variety of thoughts for anyone?


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Didn't need to 


..........she wrote the book


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## BlackjackBob (Nov 9, 2012)

Headspin said:


> Didn't need to
> 
> 
> ..........she wrote the book


I'm sure my ex has at least a contributing author credit in that book.


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## ChangingMe (Oct 3, 2012)

staystrong said:


> I guess I'm wondering did it ever help de-fog the "it just happened" or "it was meant to be" variety of thoughts for anyone?


DD didn't ask me to read any, but I sought it out on my own. The day after he discovered my PA and kicked me out, I went to our local library and checked out every book they had on infidelity (they had 6, in case you are curious). I started with Harley's "Surviving an Affair," and it was incredibly eye-opening for me. I have posted on here before how I think it played a big part in waking me up from the fog so quickly. The way he wrote about what the brain does during an affect, what people's typical responses to an AP are, etc. helped me to see how incredibly stupid I had been and what a farce the whole A actually was. 

So personally, I think having a WS read about infidelity can definitely help get through to them. At least it did for me.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

*Sv: Did you ask them to read about infidelity?*

Yes CM, but you wanted to do it by yourself. Pressure from BS won't get you anywhere, imo.


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## ChangingMe (Oct 3, 2012)

*Re: Sv: Did you ask them to read about infidelity?*



cpacan said:


> Yes CM, but you wanted to do it by yourself. Pressure from BS won't get you anywhere, imo.


Fair point. But I would think that if you have a remorseful WS and he or she was asking what they could do, then recommending reading could help.


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## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

She didn't want or never has. She felt like she could do it through counciling and on her own. Yeah right!


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

These great books just can't reach to someone whose mind is in the fog. 
Don't read them too late when the affair has happened. Read them before and learn.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Do you think cheaters will relate to the "addiction" analogy or will they just brush it off? Or call it "love"?


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Everyone thinks they're a special case. For them it's real. No one has ever felt as they do.

None so blind as them that won't see.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I've read several, some where helpful others were not. My husband suggested a book, which we read together. I didn't get much out of it because it mainly dealt with the fog. I never had a fog. Never grieved for the OM. MC suggested a second book, which we both read, I found several others online and also went to several discussion forums, read articles, basically everything I could find. Some of it helped me, some of it didn't because I couldn't relate.


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## TimesOfChange (Mar 20, 2013)

Yes and she just called it BS.


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