# I resent my husband for taking me for granted



## jenham (Jan 17, 2017)

I resent my husband for taking me for granted....I have 2 kids...I work on a full time job. Pay half of the bills but do everything at home....take care of the kids, cooking, cleaning, taking out garbage even calling the handyman if anything is broken. I am tired doing everything. He doesn't do anything and any time I wanted to talk about it, he'll say "I am like this...deal with it or take a divorce". I am not sure how long I can go on. For the sake of kids I am tolerating all these because I don't want a divorce. I feel like cheating my husband to even out all the imbalance going on in this relationship.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Have him served D papers. See how he reacts. That is a darn sh!tty thing to say. Take a divorce. Take it and see how it works out for him. Don't tolerate it for the kids. Kids can sense the tension. Wake your H up to the very real possibility of calling his bluff. Follow through if needed. You deserve better.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Call his bluff and file. I'm sure he'll be ready to listen then!


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

How's the sex and intimacy?


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## jenham (Jan 17, 2017)

Its great but each time I feel i get used because he doesn't take care of my emotional intimacy...its just pure physical....


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## jenham (Jan 17, 2017)

I am scared to leave alone, I feel I'll just barely manage financially with 2 kids here in US.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Serve him the papers. Tell him that you're tired of being in a marriage where there is such an inequality of responsibilities. 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Please don't cheat, it will not even out any imbalance. 

You could try giving him one last chance, but make yourself clear about exactly what you require. 

What exactly is it that you need from him? 
If you could make a list, what would you write on it? 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Don't file unless you're going to follow through. Filing divorce while still hoping your husband will come around is a bad idea. If you threaten divorce without the will to follow through, he will never take you seriously again.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* I agree! Serve him legitimately, but initially do it as a bluff!

Once he waffles or equivocates on his D, stance, have him sign on to MC and to IC. If he doesn't comply, then call him out and "cash his check!"

Get yourself to a family lawyer post haste!*


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

jenham said:


> Its 3 times a week and great but each time I feel i get used because he doesn't take care of my emotional intimacy...its just pure physical....I have a good drive and he enjoys the time


If he's getting sex three times a week, he'll think everything is great and won't be willing to change anything.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

jenham said:


> I am scared to leave alone, my whole family is in a different country and I feel I'll just barely manage financially with 2 kids here in US.


Interesting. Did your H believe marriage to a person from another country makes them a live in maid with benefits?

What is the rest of your story and this marriage? How did you meet?


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## jenham (Jan 17, 2017)

If I would have the courage to file for divorce I would have done it already...I mostly think about my kids ....I am waiting for my kids to go out of the home ...may be another 10 years and I might have to deal with all his **** until then....I am a person who keeps her word...and once decided I will do it....so if I will serve him paper I'll actually end up getting a divorce. Any other way??


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

jenham said:


> If I would have the courage to file for divorce I would have done it already...I mostly think about my kids ....I am waiting for my kids to go out of the home ...may be another 10 years and I might have to deal with all his **** until then....I am a person who keeps her word...and once decided I will do it....so if I will serve him paper I'll actually end up getting a divorce. Any other way??


Not really, need to be willing to lose the marriage to save it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jenham said:


> I resent my husband for taking me for granted....I have 2 kids (daughters)...I work on a full time job. Pay half of the bills but do everything at home....take care of the kids, cooking, cleaning, taking out garbage even calling the handyman if anything is broken. All my husband does is drop the kids to school and go along with me to do grocery shopping on weekends. I am married for 12 years, going to be 13 this month and I am tired doing everything. He doesn't do anything and any time I wanted to talk about it, he'll say "I am like this...deal with it or take a divorce". I am not sure how long I can go on. For the sake of kids I am tolerating all these because I don't want a divorce. *I feel like cheating my husband* to even out all the imbalance going on in this relationship.





jenham said:


> *I am scared to leave alone, my whole family is in a different country and I feel I'll just barely manage financially with 2 kids here in US.*


LOL


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

What would it look like to you NOT being taken for granted? Exactly?

What actions would be required? Be specific


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You feel like cheating on him to "even out the imbalance"?????

That's illogical, to say the least.

Yes, your husband is needing a wakeup call. If you don't separate and stay gone for at lest a couple of months, he won't be shocked out of his snowblindness.

I was once also oblivious to how I made my ex wife feel with my failure to assist with every day household duties. I took care of what I assumed was "my share", and left it at that. He thinks he's doing "his share" now. Let him take care of the kids every other week for a couple of months while you move into an apartment. He will likely sing a different tune.

If you don't change something up, you won't see a change in him.


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## jenham (Jan 17, 2017)

--Do some of the household chores regularly
--Get involved with the kids or at least do the home work or eat dinner together regularly
--At least spend 15 min with me talking about how my day was or what all I did....sometimes I pass whole day not talking a single line with him....he even finished the dinner I cooked and can't even say a word that it was nice....pathetic!!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

His mind is on HIS priorities. 
He absolutely is taking you for granted. But he shouldn't have to worry about you cheating on him. THAT part he should be able to take for granted.

If you want him to STOP taking you for granted, put him in a situation where he has to take care of the things that you are doing on a daily basis. I guarantee he will see it all differently.

I am an expert clothes folder. I can wash dishes as well as anyone. I can vacuum and clean the house in an efficient manner now. I don't dread these tasks anymore, I just get 'em done and relax.

At one time, they were a big deal and I hated doing them.

Your husband may not be a bad guy, he's just blind to his own laziness and is blind to what you do and how his lack of help makes you feel.
The only way to correct this is to take yourself out of the equation. If he values you so low that he decides he'll just move on and find another servant----- you are far better off.

Men can be complete idiots. Don't match idiocy with him and have an affair. That's wrong thinking.


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

jenham said:


> I resent my husband for taking me for granted.
> *I feel like cheating my husband to even out all the imbalance going on in this relationship.*


You need to reign in this hostility. 

It is obvious you do not love your husband. Do not for a minute think that he does not feel this, and inwardly know this. 

He is lazy and selfish, but you have driven him half way to Hell, Michigan. He is not inclined nor sufficiently "in love" with you to inspire change in himself.

You may be one of those hard boiled women who does not have a "soft side" to them. Most men like to push their sad cold nose into that soft recess. Absent that side, men are forced emulate their wife, adopting a hard edge, a defiant attitude, losing any romantic proclivities. The only intimacy you get from them is in the bedroom. And that lasts about twenty minutes, if your are lucky.

You reap what you sow. Most men who are deeply in love with their wives will bend over back wards for her. Naturally, there are men who are destroyed by alcohol, other drugs or are just naturally selfish.

Either get back in love with each other or get out of this marriage. Do your half, tell him what his half looks like. I think he forgot.


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## jenham (Jan 17, 2017)

I should just take a break!!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

jenham said:


> This is going on for so long....
> 
> --To stop my resentment I hired cleaning crew twice a month to our house to upload some of my chores..
> ---my husband washes his clothes himself/give it to laundry but forget that kids and I have clothes too which I have to do myself
> ...


He makes a lot more money than you, but expects you to pay half the bills?
That is unfair. I agree with you on that wholeheartedly.
You hired a cleaning crew. So what's your beef on that? You expect him to wash your clothes, and the kids clothes?

Since he makes plenty of money, he likely feels he is taking care of his end. He does his own laundry. You get a cleaning crew twice a week. He thinks he's doing fine on his end.

What DO you want him to do, exactly. Do you feel it's reasonable? Do you and he work the same hours a week? Does he work a lot at home on his fulltime job?

Just trying to figure out what the facts are.

Asking you to pay half the bills when he makes far more money is really odd.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

@jenham, may I ask your nationality?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

edit


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

jenham said:


> I feel like cheating my husband to even out all the imbalance going on in this relationship.


Mrs. Aldi is correct that it won't even out the imbalance. You'll get caught then you will be in the position of being at fault for the demise of your marriage.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

jenham said:


> This is going on for so long....
> 
> --To stop my resentment I hired cleaning crew twice a month to our house to upload some of my chores..
> ---my husband washes his clothes himself/give it to laundry but forget that kids and I have clothes too which I have to do myself
> ...


It sounds like you just want some acknowledgement and an actual grown up partner. You sound reasonable, but at or nearly at the "checked out" point.

You have said you have tried talking about this with him...can you describe, in as much detail as possible...how the conversation starts...including your tone or voice and exact wording as well as his. Also, when...meaning time of day, weekday or weekend...general circumstances of the day, etc. 

This will help, as it sounds very much like a basic communication breakdown. Which is quite fixable....but the potential cheating, divorce papers, etc...that only serves to limit communication...not enhance it.


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

jenham said:


> If I would have the courage to file for divorce I would have done it already...I mostly think about my kids ....I am waiting for my kids to go out of the home ...may be another 10 years and I might have to deal with all his **** until then....I am a person who keeps her word...and once decided I will do it....so if I will serve him paper I'll actually end up getting a divorce. Any other way??


I'm speaking from experience here.

DO NOT WAIT FOR THE KIDS TO LEAVE HOME!

I tried. It was sheer Hell! lt was worse for me because my marriage was sexless, too.

Your kids will know what's going on. It will be worse if you stay married feeling the way you do. Do you want 
your kids to think this is how a marriage should be? Seriously, do you? You may think you're keeping it from them. You are NOT! Rant over!


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Send him here and let us talk to him for a bit. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> His mind is on HIS priorities.
> He absolutely is taking you for granted. But he shouldn't have to worry about you cheating on him. THAT part he should be able to take for granted.
> 
> *If you want him to STOP taking you for granted, put him in a situation where he has to take care of the things that you are doing on a daily basis. I guarantee he will see it all differently.*
> ...


Sadly, this is not true for all men. I know one man who let all the household chores pile up while his wife was in the hospital. She came home to every single dish and utensil dirty, the sink was overflowing, there were dozens and dozen of empty soda cans on the counter (even though the recycle bin was 3 ft away), etc.

And, in my experience, even after major surgery and needing ex's help, I got NONE! Absolutely NONE. Because of that, I have permanent nerve related damage. Thankfully, it's not usually an issue, but at times it is.

It won't wake up all men. Some are just azzholes!


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

One thing I learned a long time ago is that generalizations (never, always) are usually not accurate. Has he ever done the things you say he never does? Has that changed? That might be the bigger problem if he used to do something and it has now changed.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

@jenham, I have to admit I find myself a little confused here and I'm going to say a few things here that you may agree or disagree with but I've read enough stories and seen enough to see the early warning signs so here goes.

First off, I'm confused about your situation. you say that you are afraid to leave but can't stay in your situation. Well the one Thing I have learned here more than any thing is that you have the power to change your situation. If you don't want to be in your situation then you need to be willing to walk away from it.

That doesn't mean walk away from your husband, that means you have to be willing to walk away from your situation. That can be accomplished a couple ways and one of them is walking away from your husband but the other way is fixing your relationship. If you want your husband to take this seriously than he has to understand that you are serious and not willing to continue with the status quo.

Ok so now with that said I will go on because at the risk of reading between the lines a little to much I see far greater issues here. It seems to me that in looking through the questions that have been asked and some of what you have said, what you are really looking for is validation. @MarriedDude asked a very valid question, in your perception what does not being taken for granted look like to you?

Your comment about the affair is what trips the warning lights on me because there are so many wayward wives out there that went looking for validation outside their marriage not realizing that the only validation that truly means anything is the validation that comes from within. Nobody else can give you happiness or self worth, these things come from your relationship with yourself. I get the impression that you are feeling a little bored and complacent in your marriage and your husband is failing at keeping that spark alive. You are looking for something out of the routine and when he doesn't bring it to the table you resent him for it. Now your just looking for people to say, "hell, he's a horrible person you deserve to be treated better so go have an affair." Nobody here is going to do that because that isn't going to fix anything.

Don't get me wrong I by no means excuse any partner for not meeting their responsibilities in a relationship, and making more money than your partner does not by default commit your partner to a life of servitude. Each of us has a responsibility to apply maximum effort into our relationship and how we do that can be different with every couple, but as long as you find a balance together that meets both your needs and you do it without the expense of one partner having to sacrifice their happiness to accomplish it than you should find yourself moving in a positive direction.

I think you both need to talk because it sounds like he might be as checked out as you and I would be very curious what his side of this is. You need to be willing to walk away if you are living a life you don't want to be living.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

jenham said:


> I resent my husband for taking me for granted....I have 2 kids (daughters)...I work on a full time job. Pay half of the bills but do everything at home....take care of the kids, cooking, cleaning, taking out garbage even calling the handyman if anything is broken. All my husband does is drop the kids to school and go along with me to do grocery shopping on weekends. I am married for 12 years, going to be 13 this month and I am tired doing everything. He doesn't do anything and any time I wanted to talk about it, he'll say "I am like this...deal with it or take a divorce". I am not sure how long I can go on. For the sake of kids I am tolerating all these because I don't want a divorce. I feel like cheating my husband to even out all the imbalance going on in this relationship.


Call the bluff:

A) he changes his ways for fear of losing you

B) you keep doing all the work anyway since he does "nothing"

What have you lost in either case? Nothing.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

File for legal separation, rather than divorce. Do you have access to his money? Take some of it to pay for a furnished apartment for you and the kids (or just you, lol). He needs to see you taking actual steps before he'll believe you'll leave him.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

See a lawyer. You can ask for spousal support when filing for divorce, and child support as well. That will keep you going while the divorce process unfolds. Half of any assets will be yours, too, unless he owned them before you married and didn't "comingle" them once married - so you can take half of joint assets; just document what was there by keeping copies of the account statements before and after, and be sure you have your own, individual accounts.


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

Hi, Sorry to hear. Tell him that you and he are going to marital therapy. Is he threatens divorce take him to task. I think you both can fix it. If he doesn't want too, he's checked out already and just using you for sex. Gee I wish I was able to get it that often. We both don't do anything romantic to set the mood. I have to start doing that. Good Luck.


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

jenham said:


> --Do some of the household chores regularly
> --Get involved with the kids or at least do the home work or eat dinner together regularly
> --At least spend 15 min with me talking about how my day was or what all I did....sometimes I pass whole day not talking a single line with him....he even finished the dinner I cooked and can't even say a word that it was nice....pathetic!!


This is the entire list? (most of which is pretty common and should be naturally done. ) If this is all it would take for you to feel content in your marriage then I wouldn't toss it away just yet. Thats different then being willing to walk away. that you must be willing to do.

Think about this list a little more and add to it. Have an unemotional matter of fact sit down with H. Spell it out to him that this is what you need. I wouldn't even threaten divorce. If he isnt willing to change (without the threat) then any change you see will be temporary. 

If he doesnt change and your sick and tired of being sick and tired then you have another sit down and TELL him YOUR filing and you have concrete reasons. You can point to the first conversation when he inevitably says this came out of the blue.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

@jenham..

many times (if not most) the fait accompli, ultimatum, rash response, and so forth have the opposite of the desired effect. You situation is not unique...I promise...it's super common. The reality is...you have paid attention to these issues for a long time...you have brought it up repeatedly (Note: I believe you have done this.) Hence my earlier questions on the mechanics of these discussions...it's important. It's important because....you husband...most likely HASN'T noticed any of this...hasn't HEARD what you have said. He hasn't noticed because it hasn't affected his life. 

1. You still take care of the house and kids
2. You still pay your "half" of the bills even though it is horribly lopsided
3. You still have sex with him 3 times a week. 

As long as you have continued doing this...especially having sex frequently...he believes everything is just fine....I think there is a high probability that you have complained about being taken for granted long enough that it has become a background noise...like white noise....you know? You hear it...but don't hear it. 

I wouldn't advocate an affair...moving out....divorce...separation...none of that at this point. You need to change the dynamic. You need to burn the blueprint you have been following for your marriage and interpersonal communication and start fresh. To do this will take effort -but the rewards are unbelievable.

So...We just need to learn the nuts and bolts of the blueprint you have been following.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

ChipperE said:


> One thing I learned a long time ago is that generalizations (never, always) are usually not accurate.


You just made a generalization there, which, according to you, would mean that generalizations are usually accurate.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

browser said:


> You just made a generalization there, which, according to you, would mean that generalizations are usually accurate.


Damn...you beat me to it.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

jenham said:


> If I would have the courage to file for divorce I would have done it already...I mostly think about my kids ....I am waiting for my kids to go out of the home ...may be another 10 years and I might have to deal with all his **** until then....I am a person who keeps her word...and once decided I will do it....so if I will serve him paper I'll actually end up getting a divorce. Any other way??


You serve him with papers. Honestly, the kids will likely be worse off exposed to a bad marriage...


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> You serve him with papers. Honestly, *the kids will likely be worse off exposed to a bad marriage*...


You make this statement based on.....what? exactly?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Paying half the costs out of your salary AND doing all the housework/kids seems an unfair arrangement.
Who came up with this?
I am hesitant to give any advice because it is my belief that more often than not, it takes two to break up a marriage (directly or indirectly) and I don't know the other half of the story (your husband's version). But your list sounds absolutely reasonable to me: you need to have a serious talk with him.
Or plan your escape if he doesn't show you respect.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Your H is taking you for granted and why wouldn't he when all his needs are met. He probably hears your complaints as mere nagging only without actually listening to you. This happens in many marriages. Then we end up with walk away wives and clueless husbands.

As someone earlier said you have to change the dynamic. He is all about himself and his priorities. You need to shake things up in the marriage. Tell him you have quit talking, but put yourself and the kids first, not him anymore. Re prioritize. This will involve:

1. doing things without him, dont bother if he is available, when, where etc. As women we tend to bnd over backwards to make sure hubby is included, all is good, etc, stop doing that from now on. He needs to feel the change in the temperature of his marriage.
2. not doing his laundry, or not ironing his shirts, etc. 
3. If he is not home eating dinner at the same time as you and the kids, no leaving anything for him in the oven
4. no more sex - only when you want it
5. No other domestic assistance, let things slide, if his stuff doesn't get handled, paid, etc, let it slide
6. Go out more with friends
7. Join a club or gym
8. Go see a lawyer as to what your options are re separation/divorce (no harm in finding out)

You will be met with resistance. If he complains be nice but firm and tell him you don't have the energy to do all these things as you are so busy working, taking care of kids, etc and without his help, you are spread too thin. If he wants the things done, he can do it himself.

You will know exactly where you stand from his response. You may well have to consider moving on if he doesn't care what you think.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> How's the sex and intimacy?


WTF does that REALLY have to do with the OP being a work mule and her lazy ass, self-entitled husband thinking he's too damned good to do his SHARE?

Unfortunately, there are A LOT of self-entitled cretins out there that fully expect a woman to work full time AND do 100% of the work at home on top of it. And said miscreants also expect this work-horse of a woman to then turn into a sex kitten every night at 10 pm and cater to their every desire.

Sorry, but a*ssholes like this deserve a throat punch and divorce papers.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> WTF does that REALLY have to do with the OP being a work mule and her lazy ass, self-entitled husband thinking he's too damned good to do his SHARE?
> 
> Unfortunately, there are A LOT of self-entitled cretins out there that fully expect a woman to work full time AND do 100% of the work at home on top of it. And said miscreants also expect this work-horse of a woman to then turn into a sex kitten every night at 10 pm and cater to their every desire.
> 
> Sorry, but a*ssholes like this deserve a throat punch and divorce papers.


The problem...at least IME...is these young ladies give very much early in the relationship, without expecting a ton in return...because love..and other things. Unfortunately many men come to have expectations because of this...unrealistic expectations...

This leads to so many other issues because resentment builds and communication breaks down. The lady feels unheard and the man doesnt notice because eveything has been running smoothly...ya know...no problem observed...no solution required.

Than you end up hearing the same thing from many husbands when it all crashes down...."I thought everything was great!...Then she just up and left" IMO...this is how WAW are largely created. 

Changing the dynamic...disrupts the marriage enough for the husband...to look around...pay attention....those are the golden opportunities. I think if most husbands get the opportunity to truely see everything around them..they do what they need to fix their part. But many never wake up and see what is really happening around them.


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## phitigirl (Aug 11, 2016)

MarriedDude said:


> The problem...at least IME...is these young ladies give very much early in the relationship, without expecting a ton in return...because love..and other things. Unfortunately many men come to have expectations because of this...unrealistic expectations...
> 
> This leads to so many other issues because resentment builds and communication breaks down. The lady feels unheard and the man doesnt notice because eveything has been running smoothly...ya know...no problem observed...no solution required.
> 
> ...


From my perspective, and I am very much in the same mindset as the OP (without the affair), I agree completely with this summary. And I honestly am very close to considering becoming a WAW because nothing seems to get through. And I honestly CANNOT stand to let anything else go. There are 6 of us and only 1 of us does any work. I also hired a cleaning lady to come in once a week to do the hard stuff, but between working full time, volunteer work, and chasing kids, one person simply can't keep up by themselves. And when all I get are complaints and underhanded stabs about something not being done, I just want to scream.  I desperately need to learn more on how to change the dynamic to make something sink in.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> WTF does that REALLY have to do with the OP being a work mule and her lazy ass, self-entitled husband thinking he's too damned good to do his SHARE?
> 
> Unfortunately, there are A LOT of self-entitled cretins out there that fully expect a woman to work full time AND do 100% of the work at home on top of it. And said miscreants also expect this work-horse of a woman to then turn into a sex kitten every night at 10 pm and cater to their every desire.
> 
> Sorry, but a*ssholes like this deserve a throat punch and divorce papers.


What is it with you and all the throat-punching. Is it some new movement I am not aware of?
Can TAM issue restraining orders?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

phitigirl said:


> From my perspective, and I am very much in the same mindset as the OP (without the affair), I agree completely with this summary. And I honestly am very close to considering becoming a WAW because nothing seems to get through. And I honestly CANNOT stand to let anything else go. There are 6 of us and only 1 of us does any work. I also hired a cleaning lady to come in once a week to do the hard stuff, but between working full time, volunteer work, and chasing kids, one person simply can't keep up by themselves. And when all I get are complaints and underhanded stabs about something not being done, I just want to scream.  I desperately need to learn more on how to change the dynamic to make something sink in.


Volunteer work while you have a job and multiple kids?
Really?
No wonder you're exasperated.

He makes good money and washes his own clothes. What else does he do to contribute? Be honest.
Who is taking care of the kids while you're volunteering? Do you take them w you?

Is your husband a totally lazy a-hole?


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## phitigirl (Aug 11, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Volunteer work while you have a job and multiple kids?
> Really?
> No wonder you're exasperated.
> 
> ...


In short, yes. Or at least that's how I feel 99% of the time. 

Okay - the volunteer work I do is for my kids sport team. 
We make roughly the same amount. With overtime, his is more, but straight salary mine is. 
He doesn't wash his own clothes....sorry if I gave that impression...
What does he contribute - he does occasionally make dinner (maybe once a week, and only if I'm not going to be home before its too late to cook), he drives on crappy roads, when I travel for work, he does manage things, but not without a ton of complaints. 
When I have meetings, sometimes I take the kids with me. My youngest is 8 so she does pretty well to be quiet. The rest of the volunteer stuff takes place when we are either all at the sporting event, or they are at one while I run another.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

phitigirl said:


> And when all I get are complaints and underhanded stabs about something not being done, I just want to scream.  I desperately need to learn more on how to change the dynamic to make something sink in.


My husband used to go back behind me when I would mow the lawn, he would 're-mow' parts of it because I didn't do it well enough to suit him. I told him to stop doing it, it hurt my feelings. One day, I caught him doing it again, so I went back outside and just stood there. When he finally saw me and came over to where I was, I just said 'you just gave yourself a job' and I went back inside. And never mowed again.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

jenham said:


> I resent my husband for taking me for granted....I have 2 kids...I work on a full time job. Pay half of the bills but do everything at home....take care of the kids, cooking, cleaning, taking out garbage even calling the handyman if anything is broken. I am tired doing everything. He doesn't do anything and any time I wanted to talk about it, he'll say "I am like this...deal with it or take a divorce".


I cannot imagine what his domicile would look like if you did take a divorce. What a DB. 



> I am not sure how long I can go on. For the sake of kids I am tolerating all these because I don't want a divorce. I feel like cheating my husband to even out all the imbalance going on in this relationship.


How beneficial is it to your kids to see Mom working like a slave while Dad is being a lazy <insert nasty swear word here>?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's a poster on here whose husband has cancer. She has three boys, none of which help her out and all of whom have their own issues that she has to deal with. So she is taxi to all four of them, runs the family's only business, does all the housework, and has to be the support for everyone through her husband's terminal cancer - all after she caught him cheating. She is SO overwrought, but the thought of leaning on other people is anathema to her, or rather the guilt she feels keeps her doing it all. That's why women are so prone to being walkaway wives - they put up with SO much, losing love slowly and having a high 'pain' threshold, until one day they just break, and leave.


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## phitigirl (Aug 11, 2016)

I have read parts of her story. She has my complete sympathies. Guilt or our my own impression of expectations keeps me doing a lot more than even I understand most days.


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## Happy goes Lucky (Jan 20, 2017)

Don't file for divorce. You will start to hate each other and your children will suffer. You need to be more clever than him. You can't just tell him to do the stuff he doesn't want to do. Start with one weekend of pretending you are ill and ask him to do most of the things around the house. Stay in bed and enjoy your time off. That will make him understand how much you do every day. Then start to delegate more and more tasks to him. Try not to overwhelm him. Man don't like to be told what to do. Avoid confrontation. Try to look busier than you really are every day so he thinks that you can't cope without his help. Eventually he will get used to his new duties. That is what I did. Good luck.


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