# He left



## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

I need to vent more than anything right now. I am so mixed with emotions at the moment. I am shaking, with rage, anger, regret, pain, pain, and so much pain. Im in tears at what I have made of my life, and again suicidal thoughts are coming back to me. I have already posted my story on here and to those that have followed me, my story is "AffairS 3 monts before wedding day" ... And today, my husband left. I really dont know what to be, I feel joy (for him) ... releif ( for both of us) pain (because what our relationship has come to after so many years) and SO MUCH effing regret. I swear, the regret is eating at me, I cannot control it anymore. I wake up in sweat, and wake up shaking, and i have nightmares every freaking night. they get worst by the day. I want him to move on with his life and be happy. I want him to be happy. i cannot repeat that enough. i need to see him happy. if i do not see him happy anytime soon i might just kill myself. i dont know why i dragged him down this long psychotic road of mine. but i cannot breathe without him. In my previous post i mentioned that i was going away for some help to another state, came back Sunday afternoon. Prior to my doctors visit (which he doesnt know about)throughout the weekend - things were very awkward between us. Very quiet. I wasnt too sure what was going on, but i did mention on here that even though he does say he has forgiven me, i do know that it hits him every once in a while and he goes through his depression phases ... well, i think before my weekend getaway that is what was going on. i went away, visited doctors, tried to get antidepressants (was told that i dont need them) - i told the doc about my panic attacks, they happen once in a while, not too often, but when they do occur they leave me weak for days. Doctor thinks we need to communicate, thats all. I was prescribed sleeping pills to help releive anxiety. Throughout my weekend there he didnt call, was still acting very unusual and strange. and it hurt me that i was away trying to get treated (even though he didnt know that part) and he wasnt trying to make any contact with me. I came home Sunday afternoon, still nothing. So I went off on him. Told him it was over. Packed my bags. And I really was convinced that it was the end for me. I couldnt take it anymore. The regret was already killing me. Then i Had to hear some more things from him. I was enraged. I was literally shaking. I felt like my heart was going to pop out of my chest. I had to sneak off to take medications. I slept and couldnt even focus on our situation anymore and I dont think I have ever slept that long. Stayed asleep till next morning 2 pm. then went to bed early that evening. he left today. i dont know whats going to happen with us. he left and said once he got to his destination we had alot of talking to do. then we could decide from there. i told him not to contact me, that i just wanted my divorce papers. even though thats a big fat lie. but i need him to go on and forget about me. i feel like im his cocaine. and im goin to kill him someday. now i dont know how to react to his departure. what shall i do once he contacts me. he said he would still contact me even tho i told him not to. he doesnt want to lose me. and i dont want to lose him. but i have to. please advice.


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## Cherie (May 9, 2012)

What are you doing to this poor man!?

You cheated on him, lied about going away to seek help, go off on him for not wanting to make contact/give you attention, and then tell him it's over?!! You go to sleep and get mad when HE LEAVES after telling him it's over, and then you lie about wanting your divorce papers? You're lucky he as stuck around long enough to 'talk' when he gets to his destination.

If you're truly sorry you will stop acting like this to him and be a straight shooter. You should be on your knees after what you have put him through. You say you want to see him happy but you haven't even stopped to consider the S*** he is working through.

I have no advice for you other than play straight. APOLOGIZE and quit playing mind games - either grow up or let him go.

Sorry this is probably not what you want to hear - but you need to be told.
LISTEN TO WHAT he has to say and do whatever you can to make amends. It's going to be a long road, and it will be bumpy but like you said, you took you guys don't his path- now you will have to pay the consequences if you want him in your life.

It sounds like he may be willing to forgive because he loves you. You have one more shot - don't mess it up.

Good luck to you.


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## MadeInMichigan (May 8, 2012)

In the last ten minutes I have read about your wishes/thoughts of committing suicide about a dozen times.
Why on earth do you want to put him through that as well? It's a selfish course of action.
Get on the phone with a suicide hotline, call a family member, do it now......


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Quit playing mind games with hm.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Please get off the computer and call a suicide hotline.

If you are in the U.S.:

SuicideHotlines.com - When You Feel You Can't Go On -- Let Someone Know Your Pain.


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## Lost12 (May 6, 2012)

My prayers go out to your husband. You are treating this man so poorly. You cheated on him. You lied to him. And instead of even trying to fix it you want to take the easy way out despite him saying he forgives you and wants to try again. 

If you get a divorce it isn't because you are freeing him to be happy. Its because you are too much of a coward to fix what you have broken. You have stolen years of that poor man's life with your deception and hypocrisy.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Don't Hurt yourself. That is something that he will never be able to recover from.

Be open and honest with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Not to be offensive,and not knowing how it works in the U.S.,can you not be admitted to your local hospital's psych ward for an evaluation and referral? You sound like you need help.Taking no positive action and just stewing in your pit of crap will just keep adding to your pain and misery.Though I know it's hard to motivate yourself in a depression,if you really love your H the way you say you do then you have to try.I hope you get the help you need.Take care.


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

Plz let me clarify a few things before responding to any of the replies. 
1st- he left to another state because he has relocated for his job. He asked me to move with him, but I told him I want/need some time to make my decision and would like it if he would take a minute of his day to just think over everything. To be sure if I'm the one for him, and no hard feelings would be taken no matter what his decision is, that I just want him to think deep and think for his own benefit not mine. Hence my post. I dropped him off to the airport, sobbed my way back home thinking if I could or cannot live without this man. The reality of it all is I cant. No matter how hard I want to or how much he deserves to find a better person, I just cannot live without him. Hes kept in touch with me throughout the day, Ive kept it brief and am trying not to break down on the phone with him. 

2nd - i DO KNOW i am playing mind games. Its why Im here. Its why Ive admitted to needing help. Its what lead me to this site. But to be honest with all of you, I am not intentionally playing them. Deep down I want him to move on, like previously mentioned, but the minute hes far away I cannot fathom my entire life without him. And then I try to live a happy life with him. But seeing him, feeling him, hearing him, living things with him, makes my regret so much stronger....

3rd - I didnt go off for help without his permission like some of you have perceived. He knew I was going away for medical reasons, but didnt know the real reason. I didnt tell him because like mentioned in previous posts once more, he doesnt think I need professional help. And i think i need professional help. And i did not want my situation to worsten, so I had to take matters in my own hands, call me a monster for running off for therapy, your call ...
Suicidal much? Yes. But i have not acted on my thoughts. Not even close. But i do wish I would just die so all this would be over with. Dont know if I actually have the balls to commit suicide though ...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If I was your H and was listening to what you are actually writing I'd be like WTF!!!

It appears you wany your H, but you keep second guessing your self and are so concerned about whats best for him. Please stop sabotaging your marriage and start believing that you do diserve good thing....even after making bad choices, you still diserve good things.

Let me tell you something your h is a big boy and he can decide for him self in what he diserves and what benifits him. So please stop being so damb wishy washy and except the fact the your H can make his own choices and stop thinking for him. 

You will be best served if you come to the conclusion that your H can make his own choices and stop assumming what he diserves. Focus on being a better person and people can make there own dicisions if they diserve you in there life.

So call him up and tell him your on your way, then he can make the choice to except you or not. AND DON'T ASSUME HE WILL NOT EXCEPT YOU UNTIL YOU ASK!!!!!

If I'm out of line I apologize, but your thread is all over the place and I believe I get the jist of your thread.


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

Lost - I have to say you are 100% right about being a coward to fix things. It's exactly what he tells me and i agree completely. I am so spent, so exhausted, so tired, that I do not even have it in me to fix anymore. I have put all my energy into damaging, theres nothing left.
TBT- i am NOT offended. But quite honestly, where I am currently living the health care is horrific. If im crazy now, I'll come out crazier if I admit myself into anything anytime soon. I am waiting to see just exactly how I'll handle myself while hes gone. Quite frankly I have not let it hit me just yet. I have been sleeping it off, eating it off, trying to stay social, not be home alone, because I do know if I let it hit me that he's actually gone, and how good of a man i have pushed away from me, Im going to become a bigger wreck than i am now, and i am physically, and mentally unfit for that right now. 
The guy- thank you. You are not out of line. I am here for true, honest opinions. Even if theyre not what I want to hear. i CANT say its because "i dont want to lose my husband" because i'd be lying, all my actions lead that I do want to lose him. But im here because I know I need help, because I know i want to be happy, and because i know i want him to be happy as well. And I am ready to do whatever it takes to have those things met. Thank you again.


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## MadeInMichigan (May 8, 2012)

Im sensing some bipolar tendencies here.

OP....you really do need some help asap. 
Please reread posts #5 and #8


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

Michigan - I know. these are things i have said myself. and its why i went off to get help.


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## MadeInMichigan (May 8, 2012)

But you have received no help and today alone you have expressed enough to justify being involuntarily committed.....for your own protection.


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

i have gone for help. docs say i dont need any. that its all in my hands. i was prescriped sleeping pills. its what ive been on all day. and i think i just had my official breakdown. i have been holding it in for so long. i just dont know why i do this to him. my conscience is killing me. im in so much pain. and i cannot even stay in our home anymore because everywhere i look i see his innocent face. i miss him so much already ( and i have no clue when ill see him again.


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## MadeInMichigan (May 8, 2012)

Ok.....listen. Sleeping pills are for SLEEPING, not anxiety. Or they can be used for what you have been saying all day, if you take enough of them.
Here will be the proof of you needing help or not. Call the ER or 911, tell them you have been eating sleeping pills all day and you want to kill yourself and die. Let the professionals be the ones to decide if you need help....I'm quite certain help will be on your doorstep in short order.


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

I am NOT going to kill myself. I am surrounding myself with people. I left our house. I am by my parents and siblings now. I don't want to think that he's gone. I just miss him. Nothing left in me to say except I miss him.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Do you miss him so you can hurt him more?


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

Keko - wtf? Do you think you're funny? Cause you're not.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

It's a serious question.

I'm not trying to be funny when one is suffering.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

I miss him because I do sincerely miss him and I truly do love him. Did that answer your q?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

If you love him, why did you cheat on him? Now he's going to have trust issues for the rest of his life, you're ok to do that to the person you love?

Not trying to be a d!ck, just wondering your honest answers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

If you haven't yet read my posts go ahead and read them then come back and ask me anything you'd like to know and I'll be more than willing to answer!


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

Thank you 3-leaf. Thank you so much. You said everything I needed to hear and everything I have been pushing away in the back of my mind. I will reply with details later, but for now, thank you so much. Your words touched me like no other.


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## MadeInMichigan (May 8, 2012)

amillionpieces85 said:


> *I am NOT going to kill myself.* I am surrounding myself with people. I left our house. I am by my parents and siblings now. I don't want to think that he's gone. I just miss him. Nothing left in me to say except I miss him.


Then why do you keep telling us you want to kill yourself? Why do you continually post that you want to die?

Is this how you learned to react after being in Jordan and being treated like a princess??? 

Sorry, but there are plenty of people like me that won't sugarcoat things.....you are disturbed, mentally unstable, a danger to yourself and potentially others. Leave your man alone, for his sake, and do as many others have suggested and GET HELP NOW!!!


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## LeslieH (Apr 3, 2012)

the guy said:


> If I was your H and was listening to what you are actually writing I'd be like WTF!!!
> 
> It appears you wany your H, but you keep second guessing your self and are so concerned about whats best for him. Please stop sabotaging your marriage and start believing that you do diserve good thing....even after making bad choices, you still diserve good things.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Don't let regret swallow you. Yes, you did a terrible thing. But you still need to take care of yourself and your own needs. Maybe talking things out in some IC would be a big help. I know you're surrounded by family, but at least for me (I'm also a WS), I found them more troubling than helpful.

Also, please stop playing mind games. Like others have suggested, shoot straight. Try writing down how you feel towards him, then read to yourself what you have written and edit it down to its essence. I think that will help you sort your thoughts.


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

I did not read any other post of your yours, just want to share my thoughts. I also feel you need help. What you are feeling seems like a terrible "guilt". Everytime you think of your life and your husband's situation you are experiencing the panic attack? 

Well, everyone makes mistakes now and then, the scale of it differs though. You have definitely made something seriously damaging and not sure how to deal with it. Firstly, try to understand what you are going through and tell yourself its okay to feel this way and it will not stay forever, this feeling you going through now will pass and your feeling will change. 

It will be a good idea to list down on a paper how you feel in simple point forms and the possible solutions that will change the feeling. Meanwhile do not hurt your husband anymore than he already is. Let go of him and let time heal both of you and you can decide when you are feeling clear. 

Hope you will feel better soon.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

amillionpieces85 said:


> I need to vent more than anything right now. I am so mixed with emotions at the moment. I am shaking, with rage, anger, regret, pain, pain, and so much pain. Im in tears at what I have made of my life, and again suicidal thoughts are coming back to me. I have already posted my story on here and to those that have followed me, my story is "AffairS 3 monts before wedding day" ... And today, my husband left. I really dont know what to be, I feel joy (for him) ... releif ( for both of us) pain (because what our relationship has come to after so many years) and SO MUCH effing regret. I swear, the regret is eating at me, I cannot control it anymore. I wake up in sweat, and wake up shaking, and i have nightmares every freaking night. they get worst by the day. I want him to move on with his life and be happy. I want him to be happy. i cannot repeat that enough. i need to see him happy. if i do not see him happy anytime soon i might just kill myself. i dont know why i dragged him down this long psychotic road of mine. but i cannot breathe without him. In my previous post i mentioned that i was going away for some help to another state, came back Sunday afternoon. Prior to my doctors visit (which he doesnt know about)throughout the weekend - things were very awkward between us. Very quiet. I wasnt too sure what was going on, but i did mention on here that even though he does say he has forgiven me, i do know that it hits him every once in a while and he goes through his depression phases ... well, i think before my weekend getaway that is what was going on. i went away, visited doctors, tried to get antidepressants (was told that i dont need them) - i told the doc about my panic attacks, they happen once in a while, not too often, but when they do occur they leave me weak for days. Doctor thinks we need to communicate, thats all. I was prescribed sleeping pills to help releive anxiety. Throughout my weekend there he didnt call, was still acting very unusual and strange. and it hurt me that i was away trying to get treated (even though he didnt know that part) and he wasnt trying to make any contact with me. I came home Sunday afternoon, still nothing. So I went off on him. Told him it was over. Packed my bags. And I really was convinced that it was the end for me. I couldnt take it anymore. The regret was already killing me. Then i Had to hear some more things from him. I was enraged. I was literally shaking. I felt like my heart was going to pop out of my chest. I had to sneak off to take medications. I slept and couldnt even focus on our situation anymore and I dont think I have ever slept that long. Stayed asleep till next morning 2 pm. then went to bed early that evening. he left today. i dont know whats going to happen with us. he left and said once he got to his destination we had alot of talking to do. then we could decide from there. i told him not to contact me, that i just wanted my divorce papers. even though thats a big fat lie. but i need him to go on and forget about me. i feel like im his cocaine. and im goin to kill him someday. now i dont know how to react to his departure. what shall i do once he contacts me. he said he would still contact me even tho i told him not to. he doesnt want to lose me. and i dont want to lose him. but i have to. please advice.


Hmm... for some reason I get a whiff of borderline personality disorder here.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

"I want him to be happy. i cannot repeat that enough. i need to see him happy. if i do not see him happy anytime soon i might just kill myself."

You do not have the energy to worry about him right now. He is a big boy, he will take care of himself. You need to worry about you right now.


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

MadeinMichigan - I understand you're trying to help but some things you're saying are completely unnecessary. I'm curious - I never mentioned anything about Jordan. Or being Muslim. How did you know all this and what do you know about being treated like a princess in Jordan?


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

3leaf- I agree! Ive checked online on websites like medhelp for diagnosis and it makes situations even worst. The problem is where I'm currently living there is absolutely no good physician that I would trust. It's a very small community and everything is just so ghetto. Im off the sleeping pills because I've surrounded myself with family while he's been gone the past couple days. It somewhat helps. But the nights are the worst for me. With time things will get better for me. I know it. When I'm far away from him, as much as it's tough on me, things are somewhat easier because I don't have to see the pain in his face and eyes. I'm just so aggravated with myself.


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## MadeInMichigan (May 8, 2012)

Are you serious??? You've mentioned it several times, in full detail. Honestly Million.....my intentions are not to mean and hurtful. I truly believe you need professional help, immediately. 
I hope the denial above was just forgetful on your part, instead of delusional.


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

Ok that's why I asked because I've been a member since last year. I haven't posted in a year and was curious if I actually mentioned it or not. Chill


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## MadeInMichigan (May 8, 2012)

amillionpieces85 said:


> Ok that's why I asked because I've been a member since last year. I haven't posted in a year and was curious if I actually mentioned it or not. Chill




I'm very chill


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## MadeInMichigan (May 8, 2012)

amillionpieces85 said:


> 3leaf- I agree! Ive checked online on websites like medhelp for diagnosis and it makes situations even worst. The problem is where I'm currently living there is absolutely no good physician that I would trust. It's a very small community and everything is just so ghetto. Im off the sleeping pills because I've surrounded myself with family while he's been gone the past couple days. It somewhat helps. But the nights are the worst for me. With time things will get better for me. I know it. When I'm far away from him, as much as it's tough on me, things are somewhat easier because I don't have to see the pain in his face and eyes. I'm just so aggravated with myself.


You don't need a physician, you need a psychiatrist or psychologist. Are there any near you?


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

Nope. None. I went away this past weekend to find one nearby. I dont think he was as professional as I needed. I might relocate to California soon.


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

Thewife-the thing is I'm not too sure that "things will get better" I've been on here long enough and have read so many stories. There is no "happily ever after" there's either a "new marriage born" or the marriage just deteriorates. I just wish things would be innocent again between us. It's so hard to have walls and barriers. It's killing me. And about noting down my problems and potential solutions for them - understandable, yet difficult. I can list all my problems now, but can I think of a solution for any? No. Cause I'm not even sure what I want. Or maybe I do know what I want but what I want might be unfair for my hubby. I want him. And I want a happy life with him. But is that even possible or am I just dreaming ?


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

lamaga said:


> "I want him to be happy. i cannot repeat that enough. i need to see him happy. if i do not see him happy anytime soon i might just kill myself."
> 
> You do not have the energy to worry about him right now. He is a big boy, he will take care of himself. You need to worry about you right now.


I can't NOT worry about him. He consumes my thoughts day and night. Even while I'm asleep. He's my baby. And I always need to be sure he's ok. I always told him I would kill anyone that would come near to hurting him. And here I am causing his pain and misery. And I cannot take it away no matter how hard I try. But someone mentioned above about being patient with his pain, being patient with his questions, I have to admit that lately I haven't been. When he first found out he used to wake me from my sleep to ask me qs and I was always willing to answer. Then day after day the qs kept repeating themselves. And I started to get aggravated. Because I just wanted to move forward and be happy again (selfish I know). He noticed my aggravation and mistook it for lack of regret (understandable). We have our good days and we have our bad. Things were "forgotten" for a while then again reopened lately. Qs again. Deeper confessions, more details, more pain. Now I just don't know how to handle the situation anymore.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

the guy said:


> If I was your H and was listening to what you are actually writing I'd be like WTF!!!
> 
> It appears you wany your H, but you keep second guessing your self and are so concerned about whats best for him. Please stop sabotaging your marriage and start believing that you do diserve good thing....even after making bad choices, you still diserve good things.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

This is a very delicate situation, I wont even attempt to give you advice. I do think there are alot of well meaning people giving you advice. But please, dont take everything people are advising/saying to you to heart.. 

With that said.. I do think the most valuable advice you may receive is from the VETRANS on here..... although it is a public forum.. I would suggest you look at the number of post before taking the well meaning advice to heart the HIGHER the post/replies they have ---the more experienced they are in giving there advice.. OR maybe PM some of the veterans if needed.. 

I wish you all the best.. and dont give up!!!!!!!


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

JustTired - thank you. I am trying not to take everything to heart. I feel some are just trying to add more to my pain. And some are just so sincere with their advice. I know this is a very hard situation, and had I been on the outside I would have no clue how to reply to such a mess. Things are just too tangled. And I just am praying and hoping for the strength to untangle everything and see him happy once more. Thank you for your wishes.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

AMP85--We are all her for same reasons... either we are the BS or WS, but we are all here because it is HARD and we seek advice or support or just to vent but we all have our own reasons. So we at one level or another know what you are going threw.. Maybe not EXACT but we can relate...... 

JUST DONT GIVE UP.... it is hard, but you fight for what you feel is worth it right? Praying for you too!!!!


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

Thank you. I briefly went through your posts and do wish you the best as well!


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

Thewife said:


> I did not read any other post of your yours, just want to share my thoughts. I also feel you need help. What you are feeling seems like a terrible "guilt". Everytime you think of your life and your husband's situation you are experiencing the panic attack?
> 
> Well, everyone makes mistakes now and then, the scale of it differs though. You have definitely made something seriously damaging and not sure how to deal with it. Firstly, try to understand what you are going through and tell yourself its okay to feel this way and it will not stay forever, this feeling you going through now will pass and your feeling will change.
> 
> ...


Panic attacks only when the subject is opened or sometimes when I'm alone at nights. I start to hyperventilate. And they escalate at times to much worst and they leave me with aches all over my body.


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

And thank you for the well wishes by te way.


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

I need to vent. Im so hurt 
Husband and I were just talking on the phone. Hes still away. I still didnt relocate, he hasnt asked me to yet, dont know if he will... He was asking me questions. And I was answering him. Giving him in details all he wanted to know. Things seemed to be going good, we were actually starting to communicate, got off subject for a bit, he told me he missed me, and we were talking and having a good time. Then I told him I wanted to confront him about something that has been bothering me, that hes hid from me, and i asked him to promise me not to get mad about the confrontation ... he was okay with everything. then when i confronted him things just got out of hand ... he started yelling at me and saying that im driving him crazy, he hung up on me, then started texting me hateful things, very mean and hurtful. and then started calling me, i didnt answer, he texts demanding that i answer now, still havent answered. im so so hurt. what did i do wrong?


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

I've read most of your posts and I have an observation to make. Not an accusation. But it seems to me you are addicted to this drama and chaos. 

I had a best friend once who would create some chaotic situation in her life every time she got a little bored with things. It took many years to see the pattern of this, but eventually I had to step off her drama roller coaster. I don't know, but I'm just seeing echoes of her behaviors when you talk about these issues. It's very exhausting being around someone like this.

I'm not trying to say you are a bad person, but you are not the center of the universe. You will completely drive your husband away if you don't give him a chance to "settle" before you start some more drama.


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

Okay from what you have answered, you need a professional help immediately, I don't think the folks over here can be of much help at this point to you. You can definitely use it to vent but no solution will surface.....except the real situation "GET HELP". 

Your thinking is very distorted and not thinking clearly. A few years ago I went through a life changing experience that I almost went into depression. Lost hope in life, very confused, not sure what I wanted, always sad and miserable. I have not posted most of my situation here so you may not find much of what I say now. Luckily I searched the web to understand why I felt that way and managed to figure out the reason and remedy. Today, I have come a long way.....I am very happy with my life and everything looks good. I strongly suggest that you see you good psychiatrist immediately. 

Forgive yourself, believe in yourself, be positive, find out whats your condition, because awareness is the first step to get better. Trust me once you get better, this whole thing will look like a bad dream thats all. First get help, once you are feeling better you can work on your marriage. Take care


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

Well - I am definitely getting the help I need. But now I need closure. I'm severely depressed. So since the last time him and I spoke and he bashed out on me -- he apologized. But then I couldn't get over all the things he'd said. And I knew he had a point. And I couldn't blame him for anything. He wasn't lying - I had ruined his life, he really had sacrificed so much for us and I just threw it away - because I was so selfish - and I knew this all had to come to an end. There would be no "happy ending". It was my turn to sacrifice like he'd sacrificed before. So I basically spoke to him - told him how I felt - heard what he had to say - and I told him that it was about time to atleast give hisself a chance to live without me. To try life without me. And I promised if that didn't please him id be waiting to be with him any day. But he atleast deserved to try and see if life without me would be better for him. He agreed. It's now breaking my heart. He texted me yesterday and I asked him to just listen to me and go on, to stop contacting me, that I know it's difficult now but with time things will get better. He said "I miss you" and I couldn't stop crying. But I didn't let him know that. Told him I was busy somewhere and would talk to him later. And I haven't contacted him since. I'm so tempted to contact him. I'm dying without him. I miss him so so much. But I do realize this is his right. And if he ever really wants me back as his wife, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere


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