# Oh My gosh! Did I go too far?!?!?!



## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

So the H had an affair with someone he works with. She is 22 years old (15 years younger than him). Long story short, he moved out after I placed a VAR in the vehicle and listened to them. He denied everything at first and has slooowly been admitting things but is still lying about a lot of things. Anyway, I just listened to the other half of the tape today and heared her telling him that she has her mom wake her up so that she can talk to him at night. That makes me soooo angry. I had thought about telling her mom before since there isn't a spouse or bf just because I thought since she's so young and lives at home, goes out drinking every weekend and her mom seems to be trying to get her to stop, maybe this would be an opportunity for her mom to teach her some morals. She hasn't taken any responsibility for this affair at all, actually tried to tell me what I should do better and said that her being with him didn't make a difference. I just think she's too immature/stupid and really doesn't get it. So, I facebooked her mom from my husbands account (knowing that he would see it and stating who I was). It wasn't a mean message, just stated that the guy she was dating was married with 3 children and he was 15 years older than her. I was hoping she could use it as an opportunity to teach. Well, the OW is furious and texting me and texted the H who is furious with me too. He called me and then hung up on me. He thinks I was completely out of line to do this. He won't talk to me at all. Remember, this is immediately after me hearing them almost have sex in my truck and him telling her 2 times that he loves her. How can he have the right to be mad at me?! I asked him to come home and talk and he won't respond to me. I truly didn't say anything mean about anyone, just informed. Was I out of line?


----------



## completely_lost (May 10, 2012)

I don't think your out of line at all! However why would you want your WH to come home and talk? F*** him, pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Do you want him back knowing very well that you may never be able to trust him again. You mentioned the ow mom teaching the other woman a lesson in morals, shouldn't you be teaching your children that it's not ok for a man to treat there mother this way. Just my 2 cents worth. 

On a side note aren't those VARs the best thing ever. I just put one in my wife's car and as soon as she goes to bed I'm gonna listen to it. She has been no contact with her AP for 3 months and I have a gut feeling the relationship never ended.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Encore DT (May 29, 2012)

Why do you care about that girl learning "some morals"? Do you want your husband back?


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

He should be the one begging. Not you. You did nothing wrong


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Oh, honey....you did nothing wrong. I'm wondering if you want him back after this affair, but no matter what, it is up to you, in the end. At the very least, you have made their affair more difficult, if not impossible, by exposing it. However, don't beg your husband to do anything...not to come home, not to talk...nothing. He is the one in the wrong. HE should end up begging YOU if anything. But, you did nothing wrong in exposing the affair. They both knew it was wrong... now others know. I don't remember, did you ever tell your husband's family? If not, tell them too.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

F-him. You have recordings of him screwing the OW and he has the nerve to get upset at what you did? What is it with these wayward spouses. Just yesterday, my ex questioned me about my civility because I limit my conversations with her to 'hi and bye'. Was she being civil when she was banging multiple affair partners? Was she being civil when she told me she was no longer attracted to me? Or when she abandoned her family to go live the single cougar life? F-em all!


[Maybe I should move this to the thread about being angry today.]


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Not at all, save all OW concescendet texts-emails and forward them to her mom along with a copy of the VAR file.
Totaly ignore your WH rants and ridiculous anger, start a huge 180 and talk to a lawyer about your options. Yesterday.
Hit hard and fast!!


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

No, you did not go too far. In fact, what you did pales in comparison to what you husband did.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Acabado said:


> Not at all, save all OW concescendet texts-emails and forward them to her mom *along with a copy of the VAR file.*
> Totaly ignore your WH rants and ridiculous anger, start a huge 180 and talk to a lawyer about your options. Yesterday.
> Hit hard and fast!!



Dont expose the VAR file. If you did, that source of info will be gone. Your husband will search his truck/car from then on.


----------



## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Your H is an idiotic *********.


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

also inform hr at their work.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> Dont expose the VAR file. If you did, that source of info will be gone. Your husband will search his truck/car from then on.


Sure. Forget my line about the VAR, protect your tools.


----------



## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

I dont actually know what i want. Through all of this, I still love him which makes it very hard. I have told all of our close friends and a few close relatives. I haven't told his parents. His friends and family are very angry and want to talk to him but he has been avoiding everyone. To complicate things, my dad passed away Thursday and my mom came home on hospice on friday so he has actually been trying to help me do things with that (my dad had no money or will so we have to sort and sell everything to pay for his funeral). He didnt care that i told anyone until i told her mom and now he's enraged. I just feel so sick, helpless and honestly terrifirs.terrified. i know i need to stop and be strong but there is so much going on that its getting to me now. Even though we are seperated we end up talking or texting every day which is why i listened to the other half, i needed to remind myself of the hurt and what he did. He is such a good liar. I am impressed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

His anger is par for the course , it does sounds a little suspicious that he is so angry and may indicate they are in contact still. What might have happened is the OW has intercepted the message and they are now reacting to try scare you off. This is a very likely scenario.

Send a letter with the same message with a copy of her texts in a way that her mother has to sign for it , FedEx , UPS etc. Mention she is having sex with your husband, if her mother has a moral compass she will be more than unhappy.

Don't pull any punches with this OW or your husband , he can rant and rave , this is a good indication of the damage you are doing to the affair and a change in the balance of who controls the way forward. Your husband is more concerned about his image than his marriage . 

Good for you , turn the screws . Your marriage can survive his anger it cannot survive an ever present OW and his lies.


size=1]_Posted via Mobile Device_[/size]


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I do think it is odd he has a more severe reaction to you exposing the OW, reading your posts again I strongly suspect the mother never received the message and the reaction your getting from her and your husband is to stop you messaging again.

If you have access to the OW's Facebook page , message a good number of those who look like family. Find a way to send a secure message to her mother perhaps to her place of work .

A note on seperation: it gives a free to your husband to carry on his affair. I am not suggesting you get back together I am saying that there is a strong possibility they are able to have easier contact with each other

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You did nothing wrong. You are fighting for your marriage. What they are doing is wrong.

They are upset because you exposed the affair for what it is.... a hookup for sex between two horny people.

Is there anyone else who cares enough to put pressure on them that you could expose the affair to? If so do it. 

Affairs tend to die when they are exposed to the light of day.

Do you have any idea who her mother reacted to the info you gave her?

You should send her mother photos of your family with you, him and the children.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I think this man is disrespectful to you, and you are accepting it.
Stop second guessing your intuition.
Love yourself.


----------



## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

I dont think she intercepted the message. I think the mom did actually get it but being a 22 year old shes mad because i told on her to her mommy. As for him, he keeps lying and saying theyve only been seeing each other for a. Few weeks. Well if you are telling her you love her after a few weeks you definitely arent the man i married. He is currently living on our boat which means he is driving 3-3.75 hours a day to and from work. Its a bit insane. He has people he can stay with but wanta to be alone. The only good thing about that is that he cousin is up there and now he knows about the affair too and he is steaming hot so i know he would tell ne if anything was off. Thanks so much for helping me through this. I need all the help and reassurance i can get right nkw.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Does her mother know they were having sex? The word dating distorts the truth.

"I dont think she intercepted the message" , I would ask how you know this, there is a difference between certainty and "I think"

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

Oh, does anyone know of a way to tape the var onto another source like a cd as a backup? Or where i can take ot to get it done? I feel like i need to protect that thing with my life and want copies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

ImperfectMomma said:


> Oh, does anyone know of a way to tape the var onto another source like a cd as a backup? Or where i can take ot to get it done? I feel like i need to protect that thing with my life and want copies.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Depending on the VAR it should have a USB port to connect to a PC. A standard file copy can suffice , I do suggest you test the file works by playing it back on the PC
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You did great actually. 
The mere fact that the OW is so angry is proof you did great and that it will help you in the end. 

Of course WH is angry. You hurt is relationship and made the OW angry at him. 

This is exactly what exposure is meant todo stir up conflict in the affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

No, not at all!

Your husband went too far! Please don't take any blame for this affair. It's 100% your husbands fault, not yours. You did the RIGHT thing!

Oh, and I'm so very sorry your going through this.


----------



## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

You did the right thing! As someone before me said...hit hard and fast...you're fighting for ur marriage! Send the mom her texts she sent you too! Expose expose expose...it will NOT help the affair, it will hurt it.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband is an idiot.

You were hurting because of your dad's health issues, so husband thinks: "What can I do to help make things a little better for my wife?

"Oh! *I* know! I'll start having an affair with a woman barely out of childhood!" 

And he is sort of shocked that his wife is upset?

News flash for dopey husband:

Your wife is a tad upset by this unexpected turn of events in her life?? *WELL, DURR!!!!!!*

Sometimes people make me very, very cross!

You did nothing wrong, your husband and Little Miss Floozy did. But not you.


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

sorry to hear this situation is coming at a very sensitive time in your life with your father's passing and mother in your home. Please accept my deepest condolences. 

You did not do anything wrong, and don't allow your manilupating husband to turn the tables on you. He should be the one with the finger pointed at, only!


----------



## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> I think this man is disrespectful to you, and you are accepting it.
> Stop second guessing your intuition.
> Love yourself.


:iagree:


The thing about any relationship is you need to set clear boundaries from the outset.

With regards to your case the best bit of advice I (and many here will agree to this) can offer you if you are intent on getting your hubby back is this, write it down and repeat it until it gets lodged into your brain,"In times of despair (in a relationship of course), he/she who cares least controls the outcome"

Now i know this is counter intuitive advice, but trust me the whole relationship model works on one simple theory that pick-up artists call "Push-Pull theory". 

If someone starts clinging onto you, your natural reaction would be to try to push him/her away. Now i know that you feel that the situation is not under your control and the very fact that you have taken measures to monitor his activities ( as you should, albeit secretly) suggests that you are trying to regain a measure of control.

I suggest you to first issue an ultimatum to your husband to stop the affair stating the consequences of him not adhering to the ultimatum, tell him to think about the consequences of him continuing this sordid tryst and that you expect a reply in a set time-frame.Remember to be as monotonous and unemotional and as objective as possible.

Next step : cut contact with him, unless its an emergency regarding children. Do not, for whatever reason , come across as needy or clingy.Pretend ( i know this will kill you on the inside) that nothing has happened and that everything will be alright ( i call this forced happiness). If he calls you, keep the conversation short and don't accept any half-hearted apologies from his side, don't get emotional. And don't for any reason blurt out the words " I forgive you" or "lets work on this marriage"( aka MC).Again your mood or tone of voice should tell you that you're not thrilled with the situation but that you'll survive regardless of the outcome.you can express you're disappointment regarding the entire situation and his behaviour but be as objective and unemotional as possible.

If he is remorseful, you will know.Don't let him get under your skin during any conversation that He initiates.Tell him to give you the details( everything you want to know ) about the affair, if he tries telling you half truths know that he is still in "limbo" and cut him off in a polite but disinterested manner.

Go out with friends and have some time for yourself, avoid bars and clubs at all costs, don't indulge in alcohol, go shopping, get a makeover, change your hairstyle, buy some new clothes,go to the gym and try to lead as healthy and busy life as possible.

Do not stop monitoring his online and offline activities but be discrete and stick to your guns, Don't let him shift blame or gaslight the situation, none of that you hear? 

If at the end of it he still does not come around, just know that there are better men out there and as hard as it may seem the relationship is truly not worth saving

Remember that BOTH OF YOU are responsible for things that happen INSIDE the marriage but that HE and HE alone is responsible for going OUTSIDE the marriage to fulfill his needs.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

exposure is akin to turning on the lights where there are roaches

they start scrambling


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

ImperfectMomma said:


> So the H had an affair with someone he works with. She is 22 years old (15 years younger than him). Long story short, he moved out after I placed a VAR in the vehicle and listened to them. He denied everything at first and has slooowly been admitting things but is still lying about a lot of things. Anyway, I just listened to the other half of the tape today and heared her telling him that she has her mom wake her up so that she can talk to him at night. That makes me soooo angry. I had thought about telling her mom before since there isn't a spouse or bf just because I thought since she's so young and lives at home, goes out drinking every weekend and her mom seems to be trying to get her to stop, maybe this would be an opportunity for her mom to teach her some morals. She hasn't taken any responsibility for this affair at all, actually tried to tell me what I should do better and said that her being with him didn't make a difference. I just think she's too immature/stupid and really doesn't get it. So, I facebooked her mom from my husbands account (knowing that he would see it and stating who I was). It wasn't a mean message, just stated that the guy she was dating was married with 3 children and he was 15 years older than her. I was hoping she could use it as an opportunity to teach. Well, the OW is furious and texting me and texted the H who is furious with me too. He called me and then hung up on me. He thinks I was completely out of line to do this. He won't talk to me at all. Remember, this is immediately after me hearing them almost have sex in my truck and him telling her 2 times that he loves her. How can he have the right to be mad at me?! I asked him to come home and talk and he won't respond to me. I truly didn't say anything mean about anyone, just informed. Was I out of line?


No, you were not out of line. In fact, I think you were utterly brilliant! 

Their reaction to what you did is based on guilt, nothing more. If I were to receive such a message from a betrayed spouse in regards to either of my sons, I would be livid. I would call him and ask what he thinks he is doing with a married person. I suspect he would deny, pout, or possibly defend the WS, "but Mom, I'm in LOVE!"  But I certainly would not only reveal what I had learned, but I would certainly not condone it. That's what I think the Mom's reaction would have been.

The OW would then contact your WS and complain of the contact, crying, defending her involvement etc., and would convince your WS to tell you to "call off the dogs".

In short, you did not go "to far". Instead, you hit a home run which has infuriated not only your WS but the OW. Brilliant!


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

even seen an exorcism ? 

yeah, same thing.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Makes sense that he is mad. Perhaps the one person who can end the A is the OW's mom and he is pis*ed that you went that far to contact her. If the OW has a good connection with her mother and the mother has morals she can open up a can of whoop-as* on her daughter and perhaps your WS knows it.

You are not out of line. Stop feeling this way. Expose it. 

Put the girl on cheaterville.com. I would even download the audio but would wait to do it if you want your husband back.

Do not beg for your husband to come back. Do not plead with him. Go cold. If he calls be polite and if he gets angry hang up.

He has a right in his mind to be angry with you because in his idiot pea size brain you are interferring with his love interest and you are hurting her. 

Get tested for STD's. You do not what happened when they were outside the truck.


----------

