# Should I Take Him Back?



## 23YearWife (Sep 3, 2010)

Hi, everyone. Haven't been on in a couple of years. In the interim, hubby and I divorced after 24 years of marriage. The problem? He hates my family (also his own). My guy's a loner to the max and if everyone vanished from the face of the earth except the two of us, it would be fine with him. I'm family-oriented and moderately social. He's anti-family and not social.

The divorce was amicable, each of us trying to give each other things. We didn't even need a lawyer, filed the papers ourselves. Nothing broke except our hearts. That's why we were out of touch with each other for all of ... perhaps two days. He moved out of state. A year later, he's moved back. We Skype every night. He visits, fixes things around the house, we go to the movies, watch TV. The only time either of us gets a good night's sleep is when we're together.

We share many likes and opinions, we travel and have fun together well. He's a 100% standup guy. But he's also stubborn and hasn't changed. He'll do ANYthing for me (seriously), but zip for most others (even legless beggars on the street), especially family. 

Here are my conditions for remarriage: I get to talk to my daughter and grandchildren whenever the heck I like without being yelled at for it or told what to say. I get to live without criticism if my actions don't meet his specs (since I'm a standup gal and don't do wrong stuff).

Because of all that's right with us, we miss each other terribly. We haven't been to counseling. Tried it long ago and it didn't work. I'm a spiritual person. He believes in the physical and not much else, yet he respects the things I say if based on logic or if I can demonstrate their validity. He even meditates with me at times.

Frankly, I don't know where to turn in making this decision. We're getting older and maybe living with someone else should be a factor. Though when he's around it gets me off my diet and exercise programs, but that's me, I guess. He and I will always be friends, but should we be spouses again?

Thanks for any opinions.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

I'm guessing you two are still intimate? Why not just live next door to each other? Sounds like things are good the way they are.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It wonderful that you two get along pre and post divorce....or did you? 

It's a big deal when your husband attempts to isolate you from your family. Really Big! 

Problem is with this scenario...you stated that he hasn't really changed. Now, he's going to be ok with you speaking with the family that you wish?

Perhaps not getting remarried right away. You are essentially living together. Give it some time...

I was married 25 years to a man that I still get along with as well. He had trouble "cutting the cord" as he said. I think that you both had that difficulty and it never was severed.

Write a list of pros and cons. You know yourself better than anyone.


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## 23YearWife (Sep 3, 2010)

Thanks, Paradise. We've talked about living next door.

CorpusWife, we didn't and don't get along when the subject of family comes up. He just bites his tongue a bit more now, which is a help, but I'm wondering if that would last if we got back together. Yet we haven't cut the cord -- not even close. I feel in limbo.

Last night I thought maybe I should just relax and let things continue to flow until I feel certain, one way or another. Get back to meditating to stop the circles my mind is running around in. In act, better do that right now.

Thanks for the replies, ladies.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If he has learned to respect your boundaries--that you control your time, not him--maybe there is a future. But I agree--wait and see. No rush, correct? 

Try a duplex. I think that might help a lot of marriages, haha.


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## 23YearWife (Sep 3, 2010)

Thanks for the additonal replies. I made a big decision after realizing he and I have never really been out of contact, though we're divorced. Day before yesterday, I asked for a 30-day hiatus. No phone. No Skyping. I wasn't sleeping and consequently not functioning well. I finally realized it was because he and I are in constant limbo and haven't established a new status quo. I was always in "should I take him back?" mode. 

The first night I slept great and woke up with enough energy to get things done. Got back on my diet, exercised, meditated, cleaned house, felt terrific all day. Last night my daughter called and we talked about the situation. I started getting a headache again and I didn't sleep great last night. So I'm not even going to talk or think about him for a while, but focus on me. 

We have a breakfast date at the end of the hiatus to talk about things. This is helping him accept it. I don't want him to feel abandoned. Will report the results.


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