# I think my husband suspects me of cheating



## BrightEyes86 (Nov 1, 2014)

Before I go into too much detail I have to confess that I did cheat once before. It was a stupid, drunken mistake. I could have gotten away with it scott-free, but instead I knew I had to confess in order to be honest with myself and my marriage. The details of that don't really matter to this situation, suffice to say that it was rough for a while, and it took a long time to work through it. It's since been 3 years, and things have been going extremely well. Until recently that is.

It isn't anything major, just a couple little things here and there. My schedule at work recently changed and lines up with a friend of ours who lives up the road. We've known him and his wife for years and years, we all went to high school together, and we're very close. So he and I started carpooling to work, it's 45 miles one direction, about an hour long drive. Gas is expensive, and it save maintenance on both of our cars. Anyway, I think my husband is toying with the idea in his mind that we might be having an affair. It's not the case, I have no intention of hurting my husband like that again, especially not with a very close personal friend.

I don't think he's convinced himself of it yet, but it's little things he does like looking at my phone screen if I'm checking a text message. I don't hide it from him because there's nothing to hide, but I find it odd. And one day he made a passing half-joke that my friend and I should stop sleeping with each other. I just laughed it off, but that's what got me thinking. It felt like he was gauging my reaction or something.

Thing is I'm not really certain how to handle it. I don't want to just come out and say it in case he really isn't thinking I'm having an affair and that'll make him start thinking it. But if he is, I also don't want him agonizing over it and getting himself worked up. I also don't want him thinking our friend would do something like that either and have it wind up ruining the friendship. For now I've just been going about business as usual, I just don't know if I should keep doing that and wait for him to say something or what I should do. Honestly I feel kind of silly even posting this, just having typed it all out makes me feel a little bit better.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Whether it's been 3 years or 30 years, he will always think it. No matter how good things are going, there will always be some doubt in his head. Once trust is broken once, it's never gained back 100%. 99% is the best to hope for.

Not sure if $10-$12 worth of gas a day is worth it, considering the emotional cost. Not sure who you slept with in the past as you say it is not relevant to the situation. But yes he is thinking it with current friend. He is thinking it at every situation you find yourself in with another guy. Friends, coworkers, guy at the grocery. You name it. Most affair partners are friends. So yes he is thinking it. Best to ask him straight up if he is concerned, and then drive to work yourself. 

Good luck to you guys!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

He's scared, he has a right to be. But he's not telling you, and you're not talking to him about it. But, it's a friggin huge elephant in the room. And you both know it. If you both don't deal with it, it going to get worse.

I'd suggest sitting down and talking to him. Or rather, get him to open up to you. Get him to tell you what he's going through, what he's feeling. Yeah, he's a guy, so it'll take effort to crack him open (not knowing how your guy is with feelings). 

You know your man. You will have to decide, as a couple, what it will take to relieve this pressure. And, if it comes to it, you'll have to stop carpooling. It sucks, but at the end of the day, whats more important? Your gas bill, or your man?

But it may not come to that. Quite often, just vocalizing a fear (in this case his fear that you might be tempted, EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT), can relieve the pressure between you. "Better out than in" doesn't just apply to farts! 

Good luck.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Never be alone with this guy - or any other guy. Ever. Drop the car pool now.

2 hours a day alone with a guy and nothing but chit chat will drive your H a bit nuts.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Q tip said:


> Never be alone with this guy - or any other guy. Ever. Drop the car pool now.
> 
> 2 hours a day alone with a guy and nothing but chit chat will drive your H a bit nuts.


That's the hammer and walnut solution i guess...


But try talking it out first. Too many TAMmers end up here because they didn't talk first. (including me)


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

I know that you may feel that you have earnt his trust back after 3 years, and perhaps you have in many ways but it won't change how he feels. 
You are smart to have picked up on his doubts and you would be wise to do something about it before this blows up and out of proportion. I 100% agree that saving the petrol money isn't worth more than your marriage, talk to your H and let him know that you pick up on these lingering doubts and you love him and want to reassure his faith in you. Definitely drive yourself to work from now on.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Did you ask your husband about how he felt about you carpooling with another man before you decided to go ahead and do it?

I'm guessing no.

If I was your husband it wouldn't be happening. 

Then again if I was your husband you wouldn't be happening either.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

DayOne said:


> That's the hammer and walnut solution i guess...
> 
> 
> But try talking it out first. Too many TAMmers end up here because they didn't talk first. (including me)


Ok, talk to your husband that you are giving up the carpool and will not be alone with this guy or any other.

However, actions mean more than words when it comes to a FBS. Former Betrayed Spouse? Strange sounding.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Q tip said:


> Former Betrayed Spouse? Strange sounding.


There's no such thing.

It doesn't just "go away".


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Look at it this way. IF you don't deal with this situation, this time, what's going to happen next time he gets like this? And the next time, and the next?

He's still dealing with unresolved issues with what happened. Until that gets resolved and you can BOTH move on, it's going to keep happening.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

She's the hammer, guess whose nuts...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I really doubt that you are remorseful if you don't get this.

You have shown that you are exactly the type of person that can't be trusted alone with the opposite sex.

Why would you ever cause your H any more anguish than you already have?

Your ONS does have bearing, you sound like this might have been rug swept.

If you care at all for your H, quit seeing how close you can dance near the flames and grow up.

Many do not get the second chance you have received.

Lord knows you did not deserve it,.

Do you know you did not deserve it?


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## BrightEyes86 (Nov 1, 2014)

Wow that was a lot of really quick replies, thanks guys. You're probably right, I should talk to him about it sooner rather than later. Voicing it and talking about it will probably help put it to rest better than going about daily business as usual, if he is thinking I'm having an affair he's only going to work himself up about it even more.

I think the hardest part of this for me is that for a little over a year I've felt that things are good again. Realizing that he might still be scared about a repeat of history hurts more than I thought it would. I bore his fears and accusations and anger after the fact for a while, because I knew he needed to work through it. He needed to let it out and I didn't need to get combative about it, it wouldn't have helped anything. I didn't get my hopes up that it would be an overnight fix, we took things one step at a time. Things got better slowly but surely. It feels strange having this old history crop up again, I almost feel insulted but I know that's irrational. If we let this go without talking about it, things are likely to get worse.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Stop the carpooling if you can afford it. If this is a worry for your husband and you want to stay married. That's all I have. If the gas and car maintenance are making the difference, income from your work can't be making a meaningful one. 3 years cannot be a long time from your husband's view. And yeah, you broke every promise you made once, but you won't do it again. I think you only really get one shot at that. Just trying to give you the other view. I don't think there is an easier answer. Shave your head in penance maybe. If your husband is bothered by this in the wake of your infidelity, you may come home one day to find you do not have one. You can try talking about it. I suppose there is nothing to be lost there. But not much reasonably to be expected.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Did you ask your husband about how he felt about you carpooling with another man before you decided to go ahead and do it?
> 
> I'm guessing no.
> 
> ...



This. Ask him how he feels, or better yet tell him you realize it's not appropriate and stop. And let him look at any text he wants.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

If you bust your A$$ for 3 years, doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship to earn your way back to him it will take 3-5 more years for him to heal That is if you truly care and are remorseful. 

The judgement you've shown really sux. Understand he will never trust you entirely. You've destroyed that. That marriage is gone. Start earning him back.


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## BrightEyes86 (Nov 1, 2014)

Also, for those of you hating on me and telling me I'm not remorseful, you can all go **** yourselves. I'm coming here for a legitimate concern, to a board that is supposed to be here to help one another. Telling me I don't deserve a second chance when you don't know the circumstances is spiteful and uncalled-for. The fact of the matter is we separated for a while, agreed to see other people while we talked about what we were going to do. We started dating again, and he asked me to come home. It was the happiest day I'd had in I don't even know how long. If you have nothing more constructive to say than I don't deserve him, implying that I'm a horrible untrustworthy person, then don't say anything at all. It's not your call to make.

Also for those implying I did not talk to him about carpooling first, you are dead wrong. I did. He seemed fine with it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BrightEyes86 said:


> Also, for those of you hating on me and telling me I'm not remorseful, you can all go **** yourselves. I'm coming here for a legitimate concern, to a board that is supposed to be here to help one another. Telling me I don't deserve a second chance when you don't know the circumstances is spiteful and uncalled-for. The fact of the matter is we separated for a while, agreed to see other people while we talked about what we were going to do. We started dating again, and he asked me to come home. It was the happiest day I'd had in I don't even know how long. If you have nothing more constructive to say than I don't deserve him, implying that I'm a horrible untrustworthy person, then don't say anything at all. It's not your call to make.
> 
> Also for those implying I did not talk to him about carpooling first, you are dead wrong. I did. He seemed fine with it.


Girl....
You said that you cheated.

Cheaters do not deserve their marriages, end of story.

Now you are changing your story. Did you cheat or not?

And you are right, I do hate un-remorseful cheaters.

If you did cheat, you are haughty and unremorseful.

My advice is great for a cheater. If you are one, you need to never push the boundaries of your H's trust for the rest of your life, not just 3 years!

If you are not a cheater, quit calling yourself one.

Cheaters are vile. If you became one, you have a lifetime of making up to do.

If you are not one, quit wasting everyones time.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So were you separated when you had your ons? That changes things and if so you didn't cheat. 

maybe he thought he was ok with it but is realizing he's not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

BrightEyes86 said:


> Also, for those of you hating on me and telling me I'm not remorseful, you can all go **** yourselves. I'm coming here for a legitimate concern, to a board that is supposed to be here to help one another. Telling me I don't deserve a second chance when you don't know the circumstances is spiteful and uncalled-for. The fact of the matter is we separated for a while, agreed to see other people while we talked about what we were going to do. We started dating again, and he asked me to come home. It was the happiest day I'd had in I don't even know how long. If you have nothing more constructive to say than I don't deserve him, implying that I'm a horrible untrustworthy person, then don't say anything at all. It's not your call to make.
> 
> Also for those implying I did not talk to him about carpooling first, you are dead wrong. I did. He seemed fine with it.


Well, if he's fine with it, you are good to go. This is tricky stuff. I did not mean to condemn you. You seemed to have volunteered a stint of infidelity. If the ground rules were we are free agents and can see other people I don't see that as infidelity. And if your husband has a problem with how that played out, you are certainly not to be blamed. But if now your intention is a committed monogamous relationship, you may still have the same work to do as if you were unfaithful. Or you can say this guy is an infantile flake and leave.


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## BrightEyes86 (Nov 1, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Girl....
> You said that you cheated.
> 
> Cheaters do not deserve their marriages, end of story.
> ...


For the sake of definition, it was a one night stand. Not a friend or anyone my husband knew. Some people consider that to be a cheater, others would say a cheater is someone who is a repeat-offender with multiple partners. So depending on your definition, I might or might not be a cheater. I slept with a man when I was drunk one night. I felt bad. I told my husband about it because he deserves to know the truth of who he was married to. He decided to take me back, I decided to come back.

Now I come looking for advice on a situation that might not even be a situation at all because I DON'T want a repeat of the past, and people have to demonize me and make me feel worse than I already feel. If that's not remorse I don't know what is.

I don't mean to be haughty, or sound like some uppity, flighty remorseless, cheating sack of poo. It's an emotional situation for both of us.

I'll talk to him about it. For those of you who gave advice without making me feel like crap I thank you. You're right, it's better to air it out than to let sleeping dogs lie in this situation.


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## BrightEyes86 (Nov 1, 2014)

Harken Banks said:


> Well, if he's fine with it, you are good to go. This is tricky stuff. I did not mean to condemn you. You seemed to have volunteered a stint of infidelity. If the ground rules were we are free agents and can see other people I don't see that as infidelity. And if your husband has a problem with how that played out, you are certainly not to be blamed. But if now your intention is a committed monogamous relationship, you may still have the same work to do as if you were unfaithful. Or you can say this guy is an infantile flake and leave.


The separation came after the one night stand, it was the reason for it. We'd been having issues, neither of us were overly communicative, I got drunk and slept with a guy. It pushed us into working out our issues, but we should have done it before it got to that point.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

You have received some advice and perspective. It wasn't clear to me anyone was calling you a sack of poo. I think the gist of what has been offered is in the line of what you have asked for, which I take to be how to I smooth this over with my husband with the intent of staying married and faithful. All of that, you seem belligerent. I don't give it good odds.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BrightEyes86 said:


> The separation came after the one night stand, it was the reason for it. We'd been having issues, neither of us were overly communicative, I got drunk and slept with a guy. It pushed us into working out our issues, but we should have done it before it got to that point.


OK. So you are a cheater.

My advice stands. You might not understand the extent of the destruction you wrought on your husband.

My words should not make you feel like crap, your past actions surely should.

If you are not truly revolted by what you became, then what are words on an anonymous forum?

You need a different mindset about how to behave with concerns to your H's well being.

After you cheated, all sorts of regular intersex interactions should have been off the table for you.

Have you read any books about how to help your husband heal?

Have you two gone to marriage counseling with someone with experience with infidelity?


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

BrightEyes86 said:


> The separation came after the one night stand, it was the reason for it. We'd been having issues, neither of us were overly communicative, I got drunk and slept with a guy. It pushed us into working out our issues, but we should have done it before it got to that point.


Oh. Sorry. Some people can deal with that. Not many. Tread as you will.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

BrightEyes86 said:


> Wow that was a lot of really quick replies, thanks guys. You're probably right, I should talk to him about it sooner rather than later. Voicing it and talking about it will probably help put it to rest better than going about daily business as usual, if he is thinking I'm having an affair he's only going to work himself up about it even more.
> 
> I think the hardest part of this for me is that for a little over a year I've felt that things are good again. Realizing that he might still be scared about a repeat of history hurts more than I thought it would. I bore his fears and accusations and anger after the fact for a while, because I *knew he needed to work through it*. He needed to let it out and I didn't need to get combative about it, it wouldn't have helped anything. I didn't get my hopes up that it would be an overnight fix, we took things one step at a time. Things got better slowly but surely. It feels strange having this old history crop up again, I almost feel insulted but I know that's irrational. If we let this go without talking about it, things are likely to get worse.


know he needs to work through it. You mistakenly used the past tense when it is always present tense. For a while?...are you bearing them now? What others are saying here is you don't seem to have a full appreciation of the devastation an A causes. It is life altering. It truly is not something you get over but rather something that, in time, you learn to live with and bear up under *IF* the WS does *EVERYTHING *in their power to make it bearable. There are triggers that can take you back to day one in an instant. Your wife spending time alone with an OM can easily be one of those triggers. Those of us that have been BSs know this, you do not appear to.

If someone killed your child in cold blood do they deserve another chance with you? If you give them one are they not undeserving of your grace? You killed the woman your H married and he gave you another chance because he was gracious not because you deserved it.



BrightEyes86 said:


> Also, for those of you hating on me and telling me I'm not remorseful, you can all go **** yourselves. I'm coming here for a legitimate concern, to a board that is supposed to be here to help one another. Telling me I don't deserve a second chance when you don't know the circumstances is spiteful and uncalled-for. The fact of the matter is we separated for a while, agreed to see other people while we talked about what we were going to do. We started dating again, and he asked me to come home. It was the happiest day I'd had in I don't even know how long. If you have nothing more constructive to say than I don't deserve him, implying that I'm a horrible untrustworthy person, then don't say anything at all. It's not your call to make.
> 
> Also for those implying I did not talk to him about carpooling first, you are dead wrong. I did. He *seemed* fine with it.


Does what's happening now seem fine? He is, at least partially, reliving the A when he thinks about you and the OM alone for 90 minutes every working day.

We are all trying to explain what your H is feeling and what your actions are doing to him. Some of us are more blunt than others but the point is the same. As long as you feel deserving of your husbands decision to have you back you will never fully understand what you did to him and he will never fully know real R.

There is a post by a woman named Mrs. Mathias that was recently posted. It may be worthwhile for you to read that if you really want to understand deep remorse.

Also, I fail to see how suggesting that some of the posters here perform solitary copulation is either beneficial or constructive since they are actually not hating you but rather telling you that what you're doing may actually be hurting your H again. Wouldn't you rather know that?


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

Here's my take on it from someone who's spouse cheated 15 years ago.

We have a great marriage now, and I could not ask for a better husband. I trust him, BUT and there it is. That BUT... It doesn't go away, not even 15 years later. He gives me no reason ever to distrust him, BUT...

It's on you and always will be on you to make him feel sure in his marriage. So if in any way this carpooling is making him feel even the slightest unsure of you or the marriage, it's on you to fix it. 

I'm not judging you here, I am just telling you how he feels and will always feel. Make him feel secure, even if it seems like you have done nothing wrong. Good luck.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

NWCooper said:


> Here's my take on it from someone who's spouse cheated 15 years ago.
> 
> We have a great marriage now, and I could not ask for a better husband. I trust him, BUT and there it is. That BUT... It doesn't go away, not even 15 years later. He gives me no reason ever to distrust him, BUT...
> 
> ...


There is something broken that can never be unbroken. Appreciate that, if as you may lose what has been broken, broken as it is. Probably all he would want from you. 
There are some threads here on the theme of they just don't get it. I didn't pay attention to them for years. But they are right and get to the heart of it.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

I would stop riding to work with that guy friend. Deliberately let your husband know that you did. Show him a bunch of affection and surprise him. Leave your phone out so if he wants to look through it he can. Make sure you call him when you're out and about and chat with him a bit.

Lots of people are very angry. It happens here. These are things you can do though that will help!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

That's what infidelity does to a person. It removes their trust.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Read this then share with your H. 

Empathy...

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernible pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counseling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

How long ago did he agree to the car pool? He may have been testing you to see if you 'get it or not"...obviously not. If shoe was on the other foot and he desicrated the marriage vows would you be OK with him alone with another woman, the same woman, for 90 min. A day? Definately be a trigger to me. So would a GNO/BNO or you drinking ANY alcohol. If my wife had screwed a POSOM and used the excuse of being drunk....alcohol could never touch her lips again. And BNO/GNO have no business in a marriage to start with. Those activities exclude the other spouse and are wrong in my book. Just sayin'


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

BrightEyes86 said:


> The details of that don't really matter to this situation,





PhillyGuy13 said:


> Once trust is broken once, it's never gained back 100%. 99% is the best to hope for.


The details don't matter but the fact you did the deed does. Since you cheated before, in you spouses mind, what's to keep it from happening again. After all, you promised to forsake all others when you married.
PhillyGuy, in my opinion is being overly optimistic. Once the trust is broken, it never comes back to any material extent. The BS has no firm basis to have confidence to believe, "my spouse would never do that to me".


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

BrightEyes86 said:


> The separation came after the one night stand, it was the reason for it. We'd been having issues, neither of us were overly communicative, I got drunk and slept with a guy. It pushed us into working out our issues, but we should have done it before it got to that point.


Was the ONS issue dealt with? Everyone has marriage challenges. No exception. Drinking and cheating stands on its own. You do own that 100% There is no marital issue that forced you to drink and F#ck. That was you.

Please understand that. That is why you are here. Echoes of that sin.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Questions: 

1) Do you and your husband have great sex life now?

2) Do you make your husband feel special? So special that he won't doubt you even if you have to be in a potentially risky situation?

3) Do you have long and interesting conversation while in this car pool?

4) Do you nap in the car while OM drives?

5) Would you feel comfortable if the situation were reversed, i.e., your husband was in a car with some woman for long journeys?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

BrightEyes86 said:


> For the sake of definition, it was a one night stand. Not a friend or anyone my husband knew. Some people consider that to be a cheater, others would say a cheater is someone who is a repeat-offender with multiple partners.


Wow, personally, I've only heard this from current or former cheaters. If you told him this story, he will always carry doubt.


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## Meli33 (Oct 16, 2014)

*Re: Re: I think my husband suspects me of cheating*



PhillyGuy13 said:


> Whether it's been 3 years or 30 years, he will always think it. No matter how good things are going, there will always be some doubt in his head. Once trust is broken once, it's never gained back 100%. 99% is the best to hope for.
> 
> Not sure if $10-$12 worth of gas a day is worth it, considering the emotional cost. Not sure who you slept with in the past as you say it is not relevant to the situation. But yes he is thinking it with current friend. He is thinking it at every situation you find yourself in with another guy. Friends, coworkers, guy at the grocery. You name it. Most affair partners are friends. So yes he is thinking it. Best to ask him straight up if he is concerned, and then drive to work yourself.
> 
> ...


I 100% agree with what PhillyGuy13 said. You sleeping with another guy is on his mind every single day. I can guarantee it...... My hubby cheated on my over 4 years ago and i think about it every single day. Every time he goes out i panic. Even though he only goes out with his mates (my brother included so i know he wont do anything) i still think "**** is he going to talk, flirt or hook up with another women". 

I will never fully trust him again. I have all passwords to his phone, social media and email. I dont check as much anymore as he has given me no reason to over the past 4 years, but i still have my moments when i am feeling insecure and will check everything. 

You need to eliminate any reason for him to start thinking you are cheating again. Even if this means you start driving yourself to work. Put his poor mind at ease anyway you can.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I have a couple questions:

1). Do these friends of yours know about your ONS and how it almost ended your marriage?

2). Did you and your husband go to any type of counseling after your affair? 

3). Have you and your husband ever come up with a defined list of perimeters to affair proof your marriage?. I'm thinking you didn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OP. Some of us might seem hard but infidelity is seriously hard business.

Most times a ws, you, does not fully realize the damage they have done without it being explained to them. Your husband might not be able to fully communicate the hell he is feeling.

There are a lot of experienced folks that know what they are talking about here.

For my part, I want you to become the healthiest woman and best wife that you can be and I want your husband to be healthy and feel secure and happy in his marriage.

I hope the best for you and your H.

You need to study up on what you really have done to your H and even to yourself.

You don't really come across as understanding what you did.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

BrightEyes86 said:


> Also, for those of you hating on me and telling me I'm not remorseful, you can all go **** yourselves. I'm coming here for a legitimate concern, to a board that is supposed to be here to help one another. Telling me I don't deserve a second chance when you don't know the circumstances is spiteful and uncalled-for. The fact of the matter is we separated for a while, agreed to see other people while we talked about what we were going to do. We started dating again, and he asked me to come home. It was the happiest day I'd had in I don't even know how long. If you have nothing more constructive to say than I don't deserve him, implying that I'm a horrible untrustworthy person, then don't say anything at all. It's not your call to make.
> 
> Also for those implying I did not talk to him about carpooling first, you are dead wrong. I did. He seemed fine with it.


 BrightEyes86. The only thing I can tell you is this. Reverse the story and suppose it was your husband who had the affair or ONS. Your human and you have feelings so there's no doubt in my mind that these little thoughts would be running through your head too.

IMO, I honestly think that your husband didn't get mad or say anything when you decided to carpool with your neighbor because he really wants the marriage to work and by not getting angry, he was willing to take a chance. My advice to you is, spend the extra few dollars and drive by yourself and then you can put his mind at ease. 

Like I said, if it was him and he was carpooling with a woman, you would be having the same exact feelings he has.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Quit the car pooling business. It bothers your husband. He's not over your infidelity. A one night stand or longer sex relationship other than your husband is cheating. He took you back. You need to assure him that you are not cheating. Give him all the passwords to your accounts. Let him look over your phone, computer, and whatever electronics you may have. It will take him a long time to trust you again.

My brothers are cheaters. They put their wives through hell. I know what eats the cheated spouse as they cry their hearts out to anyone who can listen to them. Your husband needs assurance that you are not going to be a serial cheater.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Some people on TAM can indeed seem harsh, but it's because we all care about both people in the relationship. I don't think you're being demonized. I think people are trying to get you to understand how your hubby might be feeling and not to do ANYTHING that's going to trigger his imagination and bring back old fears. I know you see the car pooling as a means to save some money, but in the long run is it worth triggering your mate just to save a few dollars? Just some food for thought. Good luck to you two. I really hope it's all just a tempest in the proverbial teapot.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

thummper said:


> Some people on TAM can indeed seem harsh, but it's because we all care about both people in the relationship. I don't think you're being demonized. I think people are trying to get you to understand how your hubby might be feeling and not to do ANYTHING that's going to trigger his imagination and bring back old fears. I know you see the car pooling as a means to save some money, but in the long run is it worth triggering your mate just to save a few dollars? Just some food for thought. Good luck to you two. I really hope it's all just a tempest in the proverbial teapot.


Of course she's being demonized. She came here for advice and for a while got that advice. And she's gotten the same advice from you and I agree with it.

The rest of the posts have just been raking her over the coals because of her characterization of her past behavior. A wandering wife remains a human being and deserves to be treated with some appreciation by her husband. Cheating does NOT reduce a person to subhuman status. If he can't treat her with some appreciation, he should file for divorce.

I would think that the best thing for her to do is to sit her husband down and talk to him about this. Tell him again why she did it. And then tell him that she has stopped the car-pooling arrangement. Offer your husband your phone and access to your computer accounts like facebook.

If this doesn't improve his mood, you have a far more serious problem with him than car pooling. Without badgering him I'd try to find out what it is.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> Of course she's being demonized. She came here for advice and for a while got that advice.


She was still getting advice before your post, it never ended.


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## nightmare01 (Oct 3, 2014)

Every BS is is different, and you know your husband best of course.

I am a BH. And what triggers me the most are repeated behaviors from my WW's affair.

What was your connection with your AP? Was it work related? Did you carpool? Are you in any way following a pattern that you used during your affair?

For example. Much of my WW's LTA was long distance. She would want to fly out to "visit friends", and I would drive her to the airport every time. During her affair she would have me just drop her at the curb.

Now - 13 years after Dday - she sometimes has to fly out alone to visit our daughter and her grand kids... who happen to live out in affair-ville, not far from where OM lives.

OF COURSE I trigger when she goes out there alone. First I never just drop her at the curb now, that helps a bit. Then she calls and texts me and also posts pictures of where she is on facebook. She stays in close contact.

As I said, I still trigger, but all that she does helps me quite a bit.

At the least, try texting your husband when you are with this guy. Keep the communication open, and don't just drop off the map.

It would be best to quit the car pool of course.. but that's already been suggested.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

your H may have forgiven you----he will NEVER FORGET, that you cheated on him

Like it or not, cut your ties with your long time friend----what is more important your mge, or a few bucks worth of gas----if the whole trip is to tiring, and you can afford a change of jobs to something closer do that----cuz if you also work with your friend---that is also gonna cause your H problems----you having repeated contact with ANY MALE is gonna cause your H problems.

Your enemy, which will always be your enemy---is your H's SUB--CONSCIOUS---that is where this all comes from---you might wanna go to an IC, to learn the best way for you to deal with the situation


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

Stop car pooling! Simple


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

nightmare01,there is no gray in this :she has to stop immediately if she is serious.


I don't want to be harsh , but our friend is not stoping , and won't stop ; she is in denial mode.

I almost cheated on my wife one time (attempted,escaped back home , confessed) ; and I assure in every single occasion that could trigger her fear ; I do my best that I don't trigger her insecurity ; I changed my work plan to avoid stepping into the same state ;despite the fact that we are in sexless marriage in an awfull situation .

I recall a joke about a village girl who was confessing to her friend : "don't go to that shop there is a rapist ,I went there two days back and he raped me,and I went there yesterday and he raped me ; I will go today and he will rape me ".


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I am not sure what you expect to be told here. You need to speak with your husband and be honest with him.

As a side note, it might be that this marriage should not continue. I don't know what you guys discussed to reconcile, but it doesn't sound like you completely own your infidelity in that you are still justifying it by saying

(a) it was a "drunken" ONS type of mistake (we all know that drunkeness is never an acceptable reason for removing ones clothes and agreeing to participate in PIV sex - sorry for the graphics but it is to drive a point home);

(b) you were not happy in your marriage at the time;

(c) you were "insulted" that he didn't trust you to be in a car with an old friend who happens to be of the opposite sex and who you think highly of, given your past track record.

Instead you should be saying "I made a horrible and selfish decision because I wanted to sleep with somebody new to make me feel good" and now he is completely justified in his lack of trust in me being alone with an OSF and I need to really work hard on this to make it right".

If that is in fact what you are saying, then go speak with him and show him in action (don't car pool, leave your job if you have to) and not just words that you are not cheating and ready to reassure him.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Three years ago you dropped the vase that was your marriage and broke it. You guys managed to crazy glue it back together but it will never be exactly the same again. Your husband knows where the cracks are and will always from time to time be checking them to see if the glue is still holding. He can't help it. He's only human. This insecurity , which you gave him, will live on within him for evermore. That was your gift to him. It is now a part of your marriage. Get used to it.

Or not.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Kinda having a hard time believing the OP simply wouldn't just stop carpooling, seems like the best course of action no?


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

The OP seems to have fled the scene, as so many do when the advice they get from TAM doesn't agree with their ideas.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> OP. Some of us might seem hard but infidelity is seriously hard business.
> 
> Most times a ws, you, does not fully realize the damage they have done without it being explained to them. Your husband might not be able to fully communicate the hell he is feeling.
> 
> ...


:iagree: This.

I'm not beating on you or villifying you, but you really have work to do on yourself. You won't listen to that advice, I guarantee it, because you do not fully grasp what's happened in your marriage. 

He's not going to ever just get over it. Especially with your belief that he should do so; after all, for a whole year things seem to be getting better... the more you minimize what you did, the worse it hurts him.

Yes, stop carpooling, but do so willingly for HIM so that HE can see you understand his hurt and his pain, and can see your effort to helping him feel better about you and your marriage without him having to tell you to do so -- do it because you want him to feel good that you are in fact looking out for the marriage and for his emotions.

For heaven's sake, of course talk to him about it. You blamed your first infidelity on lack of communication... now you're wondering if you should talk to him? C'mon...

And he shouldn't have to even ask about your texts, phone, FB, or email. You should be encouraging him to read at all times, and at any time he wants. On his own, with the passwords to do so in order to put any concerns he has (and clearly he has them, "silly" or "insulting" as they may be :scratchhead: -- THAT line of thinking is actually insulting, and shows a clear lack of understanding or getting it...)

I really do think you've under estimated he pain and the damage done to your man, even by a drunken ONS, and I truly hope you dig in and work on fully grasping it so that you can better work on helping him heal from it. Because despite your fooling yourself, he hasn't nearly healed from it, and never truly will. It's a lifetime thing that you two can only hope to fully minimize, never eliminate. Not addressing it surely makes it bigger, not smaller.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

sidney2718 said:


> Of course she's being demonized. She came here for advice and for a while got that advice. And she's gotten the same advice from you and I agree with it.
> 
> The rest of the posts have just been raking her over the coals because of her characterization of her past behavior. A wandering wife remains a human being and deserves to be treated with some appreciation by her husband. Cheating does NOT reduce a person to subhuman status. If he can't treat her with some appreciation, he should file for divorce.
> 
> ...


How about this for appreciation? "Dear sweet wife I would like to take the time to express my sincere thanks and appreciation for the fact that you did not sneak into our bedroom while I slept and take a butcher knife and physically carve me into little pieces and hide my remains in a hole in the yard. Instead, you graciously decided to do it to me only emotionally. Thank you."

There must be consequences for actions and without that lesson there can not be growth.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

sidney2718 said:


> If this doesn't improve his mood, you have a far more serious problem with him than car pooling. Without badgering him I'd try to find out what it is.


Just a guess here, but perhaps "his" issue is that his wife has proven capable of cheating on him? Or that she thinks it silly or insulting that he'd even remotely believe she could ever do so again, and he should just get over it because things have been good for the past year? And perhaps further exasperated by their admitted communication issues?

Yes, it only takes form of issue with the carpooling, but it ain't about the carpooling. I agree, it is far more serious. 

Like it being "his" issue.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Excuse my saying but what you've written so far, in my opinion, suggests as to you trying to be, if slightly, dismissive about your ONS incident; with a touch of "I confessed, he should have gotten over it already". Thoughts like "It was a drunken mistake" or "we were both un-communicative" won't get you far in the marital timeline.

This is not the attitude you show towards your husband, I hope.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Poor H probably doing mind movies. No more Car Pools

Look at the title of your thread. I do believe you have absolutely no idea why he things you're cheating (again). No clue...


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Thank you for telling your H about your cheating.

He deserved to know. 

I think your Marriage is more important than the savings on carpooling.

If your H had a one night stand and then was carpooling and spending more time with one of his co-workers, how would you feel?

Good to talk to him about it, but also better to stop the carpooling with another man other than your H.

Do you text your H now when you are not driving when you are with the other man?


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## Tabitha (Jun 17, 2014)

Even without the past affair history, it's still unwise to carpool that distance on a daily basis alone with a close personal friend of the opposite sex. Too much time to get even "closer"--it's not only a physical affair you (he) should be worrying about, it's emotional. Emotional Affairs hurt big time, and that's the biggest threat at this moment that needs to be stopped in its tracks.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

BrightEyes86

I am nine months out from d-day, my WW's affair was six months and with a co-worker. You said you had a ONS while drunk. I would also be thinking you might be having an affair like your husband. Let me explain why. After a spouse has cheated on you regardless of the state of the marriage, trust will not come back to one hundred percent. I loved and trusted my wife unconditionally before her affair. It doesn't matter to me how many times they had sex, once was way too many. It devastated and destroyed who I am. I went from a fun loving nice guy to an a--hole who doesn't want to be around people and wanting to die. Obviously these are my problems. But my point is I have changed, that's what an affair does. It destroys and kills. I give you credit for informing your spouse and recognizing his emotions regarding the car pooling. However, you should have recognized, before asking your husband, the dangers of being alone for such an extended period of time. 

You still have work to do on your R and from what I see you don't get the full picture. This is based on your posts only so I may be missing quite a bit. You may actually be doing more then I think but I have no way of knowing. The posters here may light you up as I say but they are giving you their time and insight. Not everyone will be all nice and quite frankly at times it's very difficult for me to control my sarcasm. Read what applies and respond to whom you choose to. Take whatever advice you can use and leave what doesn't apply to you. Only you know your situation and we only know what you have posted. Writing here has been cathartic for me and I usually don't give much advice. Basically this is a coping mechanism for me along with reading threads. Helps me to realize others have gone through infidelity and survived. I wish you the best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: I think my husband suspects me of cheating*



thummper said:


> The OP seems to have fled the scene, as so many do when the advice they get from TAM doesn't agree with their ideas.


Good grief! Not everyone lives on TAM, you know. She started the thread YESTERDAY. She has a family and work, for crying out loud.

I can understand hesitating over ending the carpooling. Saving $150 or more is a bit more than a "few dollars", but that's JMO. However, if that's what it takes, then that's what she should do... if her HUSBAND says so, not if TAM says so. If he chooses another way, that's his decision.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Think about the differences between your drunken ONS 3 years ago and your male car pool buddy now.

You were very drunk, then you went home with a stranger(?) and had sex with him. There wasn't that much of a chance that you were going to sleep with that man again.

Now, you've been in a car for 90 minutes a day with a CLOSE male friend for months so far. What do you and the car pool guy talk about? My guess is that after the first few weeks of talking about the weather, price of gas and all the other normal chit chat topics, the conversations started to get "deeper". Am i right?

Now you two are more likely to talk about more personal topics. How your marriages are going. How your spouses are doing. Then it gets even deeper.

You start talking about specific things in your relationships. What your Husband and his Wife do that is great and good. Then you start talking about what's not so great and good. Maybe even start cracking jokes about your spouses to each other. You start to become even closer friends and... See where I'm going with this?

You can tell us that this closer relationship with your car pool friend is not and will not happen. You can tell your Husband that it will not happen. But he thinks(and for good reason) that there's a good chance that it could happen. And if you were to stray again, it'd be far more than a ONS this time.

I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm just telling you what may be going through the back of you Husband's mind.

I don't expect an answer on this, but has the convo's between you and car-pool-friend gotten more personal over time? Do you two talk about your spouses and relationship problems sometimes?

If you answered yes to this, then there's a very good and valid reason for your Husband to be wondering and worried about your time alone spent with your male friend.

I'm afraid that it's always going to be like this if your Husband sees you spending a lot of time with, or perceives you as getting too close to a male friend. It's never going to completely go away.

And right now, as far as I can see from what you've written so far, he does have a legitimate concern and something to worry about with this car pooling situation.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I think OP is probably gone, folks.


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## BrightEyes86 (Nov 1, 2014)

People have really gone nuts on this thread, which was not my intention. Thanks again to everyone who gave advice and insight, I get that my coming here was sort of like walking into the lion's den. I understand most people have been hurt by people like me, so it must be easy to imagine me as being exactly the same as someone who has hurt you in the past. And since I'm a faceless name on the internet it's easy to take your anger out on me.

I'll give a status update and answer some of the questions that have come up, I feel you all deserve to know that much. Hopefully I won't seem as monstrous as some have made me feel. I'm not trying to be melodramatic here, I just forget how brutally honest the internet can be at times.

I talked to him last night, he barely even remembered making the joke he made. I asked him point-blank if he thought I'd be doing something like what I thought he was afraid of. He laughed and said I was being silly, and of course he didn't think that. I told him I'd been paranoid over it for the past week and he wrapped me up in a big bear hug and told me to chill out. That's one of my major issues I need to work on: I feel like people think I'm a worse person than they actually think I am. I get all in my own head over a non-situation and start thinking the worst. I still feel like a worthless piece of scum over what I did to him, so anything that makes me think of that starts my paranoia and anxiety over it and I start thinking he's going to file for divorce or something. He's fine with the carpooling, he's fine with our friend, and he's fine with me.

As far as some of the questions that have been asked (I'm not going to go back and quote them all I'll just answer the ones I remember): Yes I do text my husband while the other guy is driving. If I'm driving the other guy texts his wife and my husband. Not constantly, just if there's a conversation already going on. If we're making plans to hang out later or on the weekend, or if we think of or say something funny they'd appreciate. They are involved in our conversations and we do think of them and speak of them. Yes, we do talk about our relationships to each other. We don't get to trash-talking or anything ridiculous like that. Mostly we talk about how similar his wife and my husband are, because they really are like the same person. He and I are very similar as well. It's been a long-standing joke between the four of us that this guy and I are the same person and my husband and his wife are the same person. Which is why we work so well as couples, we're like the same couple. We talk about other things too, like work and other people we know, what each of us are thinking about kids and families and where we're standing on that. None of us have kids yet for the record.

As far as history goes I married my husband when I was 18, started dating him when I was 16. This other couple also started dating when they were 15 or 16 and married a few years after I did. This other guy and I were good friends before we ever met the people who later became our spouses, we go way back. Nothing happened back then, we were strictly friends. We lost touch for quite a few years, our lives took us in different directions. I randomly ran into him at a dollar store about 6 years ago and we got to chatting about work and life and stuff, and I mentioned I was looking for a new job because mine sucked. He helped me get a job where he worked, and eventually my husband got a job there too in another store. We started hanging out with them when they had parties and such, and then eventually just the four of us. Over the past years we've all gotten very close, his wife has expressed that I just might be the best friend she's ever had, and this guy has definitely become the best friend my husband has ever had. We've all changed for the better over being so close, we've all had kind of crappy friends prior to this. I've now been married 10 years, they've been married 7 or 8 years.

As far as my infidelity goes yes it was work related. The three of us who worked at the same company all got laid off when the company went under. I got a job with a company that required me to go away for training. My husband and I had been going through a rough period. We were stressed about the job loss and money and a prior business venture that failed. We were disagreeing over what we wanted for a future family and not talking effectively about it. Any time I tried to bring it up he'd just respond with "well it isn't going to happen right now!!" and get all panicky about it. Sex had dropped off, things just weren't great. While I was away at this training a bunch of us got sloshed, I wound up in this guy's hotel room with him. I know it was stupid, it was the worst thing I've ever done as a human being. When I got home, I sat down and told my husband about it prior to anything else. I felt it would have been wrong to go to bed with him without him knowing. He went through all the stages of grief with seeming lightning-speed (he's a little strange like that). Then he went through it again much slower. At first we discussed the idea of having an open relationship, then the idea of separating, then divorce, then living together but not being together. I forget the order it all went in, it was a whirlwind for both of us. He asked me to move out and I went to stay with my mom. Yes we told our friends, we told everyone. All of our close friends, my family, his family, everyone. To his credit, he kept telling people it was his fault and trying to take the blame, he kept pushing for people not to hate me. I kept pushing for people to hate me. It was a very strange thing for both of us. I expected him to trash-talk me, hate me, make me out to be a monster. He didn't do any of that. He was hurt, obviously, and he was angry and upset. But he kept telling people it was his fault too for not paying attention to how upset I was about certain things. Obviously it's not 100% his fault, most of the blame lies on me. I should have beaten him over the head and made him talk about things that bothered me before lashing out and sleeping with some guy, but the past is the past. He has showed nothing but the utmost character and self-control through the whole thing, and we've come out the other side. Obviously the demons will always be there, sometimes I feel like I have more of them than he does.

On the bright side we've become wiser people for this experience. It'll still come up at times, I suspect it always will. I just need to learn not to get in my own head over it. I need to accept that we're good. Obviously we're not staying together for the kids since there aren't any, so he must be sticking around because he wants to. Same goes for me. Since this has happened a few of our other friends have had issues with infidelity, and we've been able to talk about it with them candidly and empathize with what they're going through.

Lastly I want to apologize for coming across as a jerk. It was completely irrational to tell people to go **** themselves. I get panicky and crazy when I work myself up like this, and it was probably a mistake coming here. I should have just said something to him sooner before I got myself all crazy over it and came here bothering you guys. You all have enough to worry about without some crazy woman ripping open your wounds. I hate to feel I've wasted anyone's time, all I really was looking for was opinions on whether I should let bygones be bygones or to bring it up. I was scared bringing it up would create a situation out of a non-situation, and that turned out to not be the case.

I know that was ridiculously long-winded, so if you made it through that thank you for listening.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Not that many will care, but I sent her a PM. She did talk to her husband, and he put her suspicions about this to rest. No, he doesn't think she is cheating. No, he doesn't think she WILL cheat. So why hasn't she posted? Frankly, can you blame her? She was told she's untemorseful, doesn't get it, etc. I wouldn't have come back if I had received that treatment either. But, she did take the advice to TALK to her husband, and the issue has been resolved. No, that doesn't mean the carpool is ending. It would be tough, for me as well, especially if that saved money was going to pay down an outstanding bill or something. 

Now, if I were to go by what has been said in this thread, I shouldn't be taking my kids to the bus stop every morning, withe the neighbor and his kid because I had an EA three years ago. I have no car. They do. We have an arrangement worked out with them. But, according to this, I should be walking my kids out when it is freezing and dark, even with the aches and pains I have in my back, knee, and hip. Or, I should wake my husband after he has been in bed for MAYBE 3 hours, just in case it is the husband, not the wife, taking the kids up there. Oh, and forget waiting for the bus to drop them off.

Sorry, but this nuclear reaction idea was ridiculous in this case. At least her husband gets it.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Glad it seems to have all worked out. Your H seems like an individual of good character. Always communicate with one another, it's the life blood of any relationship. Best wishes for your continued success.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You're husband seems like a good guy. You need to honor him by affair-proofing your marriage. 

Get into some counseling to learn why you cheated, and then learn how to build up good boundaries so you don't cheat again the next time your marriage is in a crisis. 

Because there will be another crisis.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Two points.

Your infidelity was 100% your fault. It may or may not help your H to realize this. It would probably help you.

Your H needs to realize that, while he seems to be handling the damage of infidelity well, seems like rug sweeping, that you have been damaged by your crappy behavior as well. It obviously caused harm to you and your relationship for him to make a "joke" about you sleeping with someone else, especially in light of your past infidelity.

Ws need healing too. You are good to communicate your needs and vulnerabilities to your H. For him to talk of you having another affair as a "joke" should probably be off the table for the rest of your lives.

It does seem that he is taking this whole thing a little too lightly but to each their own.

Thanks for your more in-depth explanation and I hope that your H learns a little more about infidelity and helping you heal as well.

His comment hurt you in a self inflicted wound. He should not have joked like that. Does he understand how destroyed and sensitive you are about what you allowed yourself to become?


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Every couple has to decide what is and is not acceptable if they choose to R. My H had an EA. If he wanted to carpool with a woman two hours a day, I simply would not be able to accept it...even though he has earned most trust back. However, knowing how "friendships" can go awry, I feel it's best to protect the marriage. But what we do in my marriage may not work for all.

One thing to consider...what do you think your carpool buddy's wife would say if she knew you had cheated with a co-worker? Would she be so comfortable with this arrangement?

The key is communication. You messed up big time and your H chose to take you back. That means he has given you a gift and you show your gratitude with good behavior, boundaries, communication, and sadly, the understanding that he will never be 100% trustful of you again. It is what it is.

Don't you feel better already by having actually TALKED to your H instead of suffering in silence? Keep it up!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: I think my husband suspects me of cheating*



bandit.45 said:


> You're husband seems like a good guy. You need to honor him by affair-proofing your marriage.
> 
> Get into some counseling to learn why you cheated, and then learn how to build up good boundaries so you don't cheat again the next time your marriage is in a crisis.
> 
> Because there will be a next time.


Counseling is not always a necessity for that. I never got any. I had my parents, friends, and TAM. I hope "there will be a next time" means there will be a crisis and not that you mean she will cheat again. At first glance, I thought you meant the latter, rather than the former.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> if her HUSBAND says so,


Men are inundated with abusive control issues when it comes to relationships. I no longer care, but I went through it. If you say no you are:
Controlling
Jealous
Abusive
unfair
treating her like a child
Misogynist

She cheated and then he made a joke about cheating? You can't be any more obvious than that to me. Yes, it is passive aggressive, but it is a shield. 

_"Look, I'm strong I can even joke about it."_ All the while, he's checking and snooping to the point she notices the change. Glad you talked, but it still bothers him.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Not that many will care, but I sent her a PM. She did talk to her husband, and he put her suspicions about this to rest. No, he doesn't think she is cheating. No, he doesn't think she WILL cheat. So why hasn't she posted? Frankly, can you blame her? She was told she's untemorseful, doesn't get it, etc. I wouldn't have come back if I had received that treatment either. But, she did take the advice to TALK to her husband, and the issue has been resolved. No, that doesn't mean the carpool is ending. It would be tough, for me as well, especially if that saved money was going to pay down an outstanding bill or something.
> 
> Now, if I were to go by what has been said in this thread, I shouldn't be taking my kids to the bus stop every morning, withe the neighbor and his kid because I had an EA three years ago. I have no car. They do. We have an arrangement worked out with them. But, according to this, I should be walking my kids out when it is freezing and dark, even with the aches and pains I have in my back, knee, and hip. Or, I should wake my husband after he has been in bed for MAYBE 3 hours, just in case it is the husband, not the wife, taking the kids up there. Oh, and forget waiting for the bus to drop them off.
> 
> Sorry, but this nuclear reaction idea was ridiculous in this case. At least her husband gets it.


Interacting in public after an EA, a little different than having OM penis in you and then being alone with another man for at least two hours a day.

High horse Maricha.

Everyone has given the best advice given the limited info. If you recall, many of us were asking for a little more info to give better advice.

There are still some fatal flaws in OP's thinking and her BH as well.

Restarting with the best foundation possible helps R along the most.

At the very least, OP needs to not be joked about by her H to be having another affair.

The comment hurt her. It should only have been discussed if he was seriously having an issue.

OP's H may not realize how damaged she is from her own actions.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: I think my husband suspects me of cheating*



phillybeffandswiss said:


> Men are inundated with abusive control issues when it comes to relationships. I no longer care, but I went through it. If you say no you are:
> Controlling
> Jealous
> Abusive
> ...


Not what he told her, but whatever. Believe as you wish.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Believe as you wish.


Yes, exactly like you are doing.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Counseling is not always a necessity for that. I never got any. I had my parents, friends, and TAM. I hope "there will be a next time" means there will be a crisis and not that you mean she will cheat again. At first glance, I thought you meant the latter, rather than the former.


Sigh....I went back and changed it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BrightEyes86 (Nov 1, 2014)

yeah_right said:


> One thing to consider...what do you think your carpool buddy's wife would say if she knew you had cheated with a co-worker? Would she be so comfortable with this arrangement?


She knows all the details, I talked with her in-depth about it years ago when it first happened. She gave me a tongue-lashing, and then she listened to me and empathized. She provided love and support to both of us through the whole thing, and expressed that she hoped we'd work it out. If she had an issue with her husband and I carpooling, she'd have spoken up, she's not shy in the least.



yeah_right said:


> Don't you feel better already by having actually TALKED to your H instead of suffering in silence? Keep it up!


Yes, I do feel much better.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: I think my husband suspects me of cheating*



phillybeffandswiss said:


> Yes, exactly like you are doing.


So, you're saying that when my husband says "your boyfriend", he is using passive-aggressive words and actions, telling me he thinks I am cheating.... with our sons? LMAO! Good one. That is something he has said/done since the beginning. And more often than not, it was in reference to the adorable little men I carried for 9 months... and LONG before we ever had any problems. 

But... you know his mind much better than I, of course. And much better than his doctors, too.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

BrightEyes86 said:


> Yes, I do feel much better.


Good.
You do know you didn't waste our time right? TAM is about self help, advice, differing opinions, soap boxes, false equivalency, high horses and myriad of other crap like a family.

Welcome.


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## BrightEyes86 (Nov 1, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Your infidelity was 100% your fault.


Well here is one point where my husband and I would both disagree with you. Over the past 3 years we've talked in-depth about this point, both in reference to ourselves and to other people. We both agree that in every instance of infidelity both parties are to blame. Every situation is unique, and the percentage to which each are to blame will always be different. In our case I'd put about 90% on me and only 10% on him, although he'd probably insist on taking more than that. It was completely inappropriate of me to do what I did as a method of showing him that I wasn't completely happy. On the flip-side, he knew I wasn't completely happy and didn't take steps to fix it. So no, it was not 100% my fault. Bring on the lynching if you feel you must, but I do know that my husband and I are on the same page on this one. And that works for us.



ConanHub said:


> Thanks for your more in-depth explanation and I hope that your H learns a little more about infidelity and helping you heal as well.
> 
> His comment hurt you in a self inflicted wound. He should not have joked like that. Does he understand how destroyed and sensitive you are about what you allowed yourself to become?


You're welcome, I should have been more forth-coming with details in my initial post, they just didn't feel as relevant. Yes I think he does realize that a joke like that hurt more than I should have let it. We do often joke about a hypothetical boyfriend/girlfriend, but it's always in a vague unnamed sort of way. To have him name a specific person like that (he never has in the past) made me feel like he was getting insecure when in reality it was just a light-hearted joke because he knows something like that would be ridiculous.

As far as that last statement of yours goes, what I've allowed myself to become - What exactly would you say that is? I feel like you're putting a label on me. Statements like "do you realize what you are?" make me feel monstrous. It makes a person feel like less of a person. In one breath you call me sensitive, but then you refer to me as this vague thing, this less-than-human creature. I already feel like less of a person, and that's part of the problem. I feel less than human, and I'm trying to build myself back up into a person. Making statements like that to someone like myself has the opposite effect that we need. If people continue beating us down and making us out to be less-than-human, what can one expect of us? Instead of dragging us through the mud some more, why not help those of us who want to step up to do so? I'm not saying that everyone who has committed adultery is exactly like myself, some people are just continuous offenders who have no intention or desire to change. But for those of us who do, why lump us into the same category as the rest? Help build us up rather than beat us down more.


----------



## BrightEyes86 (Nov 1, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Good.
> You do know you didn't waste our time right? TAM is about self help, advice, differing opinions, soap boxes, false equivalency, high horses and myriad of other crap like a family.
> 
> Welcome.


Thank you for that. I get paranoid about stuff like that. I feel insecure as a human being, and when I go looking for advice and support I feel like I don't deserve it. Especially when my fears get validated and someone says something like "grow up and stop wasting our time". In this instance my fears were completely unfounded, I'm the only person who went there. It feels good knowing that, but it also makes me realize I need to move on from this. Since I'm the only one involved who went there, obviously those around me feel better about me than I do. I need to work on feeling better about me, and feel more like the person other people see in me.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> So, you're saying that when my husband says "your boyfriend", he is using passive-aggressive words and actions, telling me he thinks I am cheating.... with our sons? LMAO! Good one. That is something he has said/done since the beginning. And more often than not, it was in reference to the adorable little men I carried for 9 months... and LONG before we ever had any problems.
> 
> But... you know his mind much better than I, of course. And much better than his doctors, too.


Did you really remove all context of cheating and the after effects to make a point? :rofl: 

If that's how you took my post.......


Maricha said:


> Believe as you wish.


Right back at you.


----------



## BrightEyes86 (Nov 1, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Did you really remove all context of cheating and the after effects to make a point? :rofl:


Some people use humor in a passive-aggressive way. Others use it as a way of showing that things are OK. Everyone is different. From the sounds of things her husband has moved on, same as mine. I mistakenly took my husband's joke as passive-aggressiveness when it wasn't, and I'm glad to have realized that.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

BrightEyes86 said:


> Some people use humor in a passive-aggressive way. Others use it as a way of showing that things are OK. Everyone is different. From the sounds of things her husband has moved on, same as mine. I mistakenly took my husband's joke as passive-aggressiveness when it wasn't, and I'm glad to have realized that.


Okay, cool. You were looking for advice and mine is he may hold things back, even when he says he is cool. Morse so when it concerns marriage and relationships. That's all.


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## BrightEyes86 (Nov 1, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Okay, cool. You were looking for advice and mine is he may hold things back, even when he says he is cool. Morse so when it concerns marriage and relationships. That's all.


Understood, and definitely a thought that crossed my mind. Hence why I came here. He's usually pretty easy to read, I've been with him 12 years after all. My initial thought when he said that joke was "haha yeah right", and I should have just went with that. It's me that got in my own way, I started thinking about it more and more, and I got it all twisted up in my mind and started getting paranoid.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BrightEyes86 said:


> Well here is one point where my husband and I would both disagree with you. Over the past 3 years we've talked in-depth about this point, both in reference to ourselves and to other people. We both agree that in every instance of infidelity both parties are to blame. Every situation is unique, and the percentage to which each are to blame will always be different. In our case I'd put about 90% on me and only 10% on him, although he'd probably insist on taking more than that. It was completely inappropriate of me to do what I did as a method of showing him that I wasn't completely happy. On the flip-side, he knew I wasn't completely happy and didn't take steps to fix it. So no, it was not 100% my fault. Bring on the lynching if you feel you must, but I do know that my husband and I are on the same page on this one. And that works for us.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I will not have to lambaste you for anything. Your H did not help you spread your legs at all. You did that without his consent, knowledge, help or approval. You had to inform him of your actions, he had no bearing on your choice.

I believe that to be a fatal flaw.

When I refer to what you became....

I am assuming you never cheated before.

When someone cheats, they have sunk pretty low and have allowed themselves to become something ugly, unless you believe anything about your infidelity was beautiful?

That is what I was referring to. You obviously did not stay there and have worked on being a better person.

You are certainly welcome to your POV that your H 10% helped another man enter you but that is a vast minority POV.

Your H contributed to the problems in your marriage just like you.

He did not help you get ugly with another man.

Wish you a healthy and happy marriage. I do believe you and your H are on somewhat shaky ground.


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## BrightEyes86 (Nov 1, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> I will not have to lambaste you for anything. Your H did not help you spread your legs at all. You did that without his consent, knowledge, help or approval. You had to inform him of your actions, he had no bearing on your choice.
> 
> I believe that to be a fatal flaw.
> 
> ...


Believe we are shaky if you must, we'll just have to agree to disagree. I've spoken about this blame theory with others, and have found most agree with us. I feel you have been burned by someone in the past, perhaps this is why you are so adamant on this topic. I'm not saying that cheating is ever the right answer, it creates more problems than it solves. But understand that if a person has no reason to doubt their relationship, they won't be driven to this point. Obviously the answer is to address it before one is driven this far, but the adulterer always feels driven.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Ok. Sounds better to me. Thanks for your response. FYI, I went off and ****ed myself as requested. LOL. 

Please keep up the communication. It matters. Also understand the ONS is on you 100%. No one but no one forced you. Just you. 

Happy things are going well for you.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> I need to work on feeling better about me, and feel more like the person other people see in me.


Congratulations BrightEyes.

You just saved yourself thousands of $$$ in counseling.

The key is communication. It is the key to any successful long term relationship.

Now every time you feel that paranoia creeping into the back of your head just stop yourself. Think of what is really bothering you then go talk with your hubby.

That will resolve most issues whether they are real, perceived or just stuck in the back of your head.

He loves you. You love him. Now go have a great life with him.

HM


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Interacting in public after an EA, a little different than having OM penis in you and then being alone with another man for at least two hours a day.
> 
> High horse Maricha.
> 
> ...


...many on here would disagree with minimizing the extreme hurt and distrust caused by a true EA.......I would much rather my wife have a drunken ons than fall deeply in love with another.....luckily neither have happened with her.

but I am glad that her situation seems to be resolved


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BrightEyes86 said:


> Believe we are shaky if you must, we'll just have to agree to disagree. I've spoken about this blame theory with others, and have found most agree with us. I feel you have been burned by someone in the past, perhaps this is why you are so adamant on this topic. I'm not saying that cheating is ever the right answer, it creates more problems than it solves. But understand that if a person has no reason to doubt their relationship, they won't be driven to this point. Obviously the answer is to address it before one is driven this far, but the adulterer always feels driven.


Years, and I do mean YEARS of research on infidelity and recovery, marriage counseling and premarital counseling.

I do not know who you found to agree with you but they have an unhealthy view if they think cheaters were driven to cheat by anything but their own lack of discipline and lust.

Others deal with relational trouble without involving another persons penis or vagina.

Very unhealthy to blame the betrayed spouse for a totally selfish act.

I am not speaking out of my rear end on this one.

I have also been with the same woman for 23 years. You cannot be in a relationship that long and not have dealt with most of what life has to throw your way.


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## BrightEyes86 (Nov 1, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Years, and I do mean YEARS of research on infidelity and recovery, marriage counseling and premarital counseling.
> 
> I do not know who you found to agree with you but they have an unhealthy view if they think cheaters were driven to cheat by anything but their own lack of discipline and lust.
> 
> ...


Relationships are a 2-way road, as you well know having been married as long as you have. Do you honestly mean to tell me you've never once seen a situation of infidelity where you look at the betrayed and say "he/she should have seen it coming the way they were behaving?" There are plenty of instances where a spouse is driven into another's arms because of a lack of understanding/ sex/ general disconnection. And who is to blame for that lack of understanding? Both of them.

You're right, my husband did not spread my legs for me physically. He didn't hold me down. I made that decision myself. And I also wouldn't have made it if I'd felt more secure. The lack of security is where we're both to blame, and that's all there is to it.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Like Maricha75 i also PM'ed Bright Eyes. The title was "Pitchforks and Torches"...

Just checked back in and all I have to say is YES!! 

You did the right thing BrightEyes. You sat down and talked to your man, and worked through the issues. (if even, as it turned out, it was in your head )

You showed him that what happened still affects you, and caused you to think he doubted you. He doesn't. By going to him and expressing your fears, and having the both of you discuss it, it showed true maturity from both of you.

The pain of your mistake will never truly go away, but today marked another step toward healing it. Together.

God, after the ****ty day i've endured today, seeing your success story made my dam day! 

Walk forward with your head held high. (and get the he11 out of TAM!  )


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

So how did I drive my WW to cheat? She started cheating before we got married and never stopped. Was I just supposed to never trust her? If she felt "more secure" would that have meant that her wedding vows suddenly had meaning?

Do you remember your wedding vows? Did it include 'if I don't feel secure enough I'm going to let another man ride me'?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BrightEyes86 said:


> Relationships are a 2-way road, as you well know having been married as long as you have. Do you honestly mean to tell me you've never once seen a situation of infidelity where you look at the betrayed and say "he/she should have seen it coming the way they were behaving?" There are plenty of instances where a spouse is driven into another's arms because of a lack of understanding/ sex/ general disconnection. And who is to blame for that lack of understanding? Both of them.
> 
> You're right, my husband did not spread my legs for me physically. He didn't hold me down. I made that decision myself. And I also wouldn't have made it if I'd felt more secure. The lack of security is where we're both to blame, and that's all there is to it.


I have never seen one instance where infidelity was ever, in any way, contributed to by the BS. Marital problems, yes.

I have seen circumstances where the BS was 99% to blame for the marital problems but still had zero liability for infidelity.

The BS has a say in what happens IN their marriage, the WS has all the say in what they took OUTSIDE of their marriage.

If you do not realize that your cheating was in you to do, you may not guard against it well enough in the future.

If you two make it another ten years, there will be more strife and new challenges. Life does not get easier with age.

Your response is that when your spouse fails you, they are partially causing you to have sex outside the marriage.

Very unhealthy marital POV.
A good read would be to look up EI and B1 on this forum.

Their marriage was almost utterly destroyed and dead, mostly do to the husbands actions/inactions when EI started having an 18 month long affair. The marriage problems were probably 90% or better on B1. EI will be the very first to tell you that her cheating was purely selfish and 100% on her.

Their situation was devilishly worse than yours in every aspect and absolutely no blaming of the BS for the infidelity.

They are recovering very nicely and building a very healthy and strong marriage.

You may want to ask EI how "blameshifting" (because that is what you are doing, look it up) would have helped her and her husband repair their marriage in anyway.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: I think my husband suspects me of cheating*



phillybeffandswiss said:


> Did you really remove all context of cheating and the after effects to make a point? :rofl:


Nope. Not at all. It's well known here about my EA. My point is that just because YOU think it to be one way doesn't make it so. As BrightEyes said, some use humor and show they have moved on. My husband does this. He knows all there is to know. And jokes about it now... or he has completely forgotten. And the forgotten part is a distinct possibility because he actually tried to strike up a conversation with OM. Not for the sake of seeing if there is any discrepancy in the story, but just to chat. And, yes, I found that VERY odd... Who does that? Especially after 3 years? Apparently, my husband...


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Nope. Not at all. It's well known here about my EA. My point is that just because YOU think it to be one way doesn't make it so. As BrightEyes said, some use humor and show they have moved on. My husband does this. He knows all there is to know. And jokes about it now... or he has completely forgotten. And the forgotten part is a distinct possibility because he actually tried to strike up a conversation with OM. Not for the sake of seeing if there is any discrepancy in the story, but just to chat. And, yes, I found that VERY odd... Who does that? Especially after 3 years? Apparently, my husband...


The lady wants her marriage or not. She is getting some good response. Mostly.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

I think that talking to your Husband about you feeling like he may have had some suspicions concerning the car pool situation was the best thing to do.

Maybe his joke about you sleeping with the car-pool friend was just that, a joke. I'd be lying if I said I agreed with that %100.

He may never admit it because you all are such close friends, but I'm guessing he cracked that joke because he had passing thoughts of exactly that. He may not have even realized it himself.

Either way, it's out in the open now, where it should be. We tend to be a little hard on the FWS's/WS's that post here(as you have seen  ). I get the feeling that you are very genuine. In both feeling true remorse for the past and wanting to help your Husband(if he needed it) at the present time and future.

If he ever does get an uneasy feeling on the subject in the future, he should know(and now does) that he can talk with you about it.

I still think that you were not off the mark that much, wondering if he was wondering. Now that you've asked him about it, don't ever be afraid to ask about it in the future.

He may never tell you that he's been wondering, or has triggered because he feels that it's a sign of weakness. It's not. If it did, or does happen - It's completely normal.

Take care and I hope for and wish you two... Ah four  all the best.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

BrightEyes86 said:


> Well here is one point where my husband and I would both disagree with you. Over the past 3 years we've talked in-depth about this point, both in reference to ourselves and to other people. We both agree that in every instance of infidelity both parties are to blame. Every situation is unique, and the percentage to which each are to blame will always be different. In our case I'd put about 90% on me and only 10% on him, although he'd probably insist on taking more than that. It was completely inappropriate of me to do what I did as a method of showing him that I wasn't completely happy. On the flip-side, he knew I wasn't completely happy and didn't take steps to fix it. So no, it was not 100% my fault. Bring on the lynching if you feel you must, but I do know that my husband and I are on the same page on this one. And that works for us.


Few here would agree with you. The standard TAM position is that an affair is ALWAYS 100% on the cheating spouse. Why? Because they made the choice to cheat.

It is so well entrenched here that few if any will publically agree with you. My own position is that you may be more right than many think.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

BrightEyes86 said:


> Understood, and definitely a thought that crossed my mind. Hence why I came here. He's usually pretty easy to read, I've been with him 12 years after all. My initial thought when he said that joke was "haha yeah right", and I should have just went with that. It's me that got in my own way, I started thinking about it more and more, and I got it all twisted up in my mind and started getting paranoid.


Understood. 

That's probably a result of your ONS. YOU haven't forgotten it and probably never will. You began your original post with the ONS and it is clearly on your mind in this.

But it seems to me that you've got a good handle on the situation. Good luck and I wish you and your husband many more years of tranquility.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Years, and I do mean YEARS of research on infidelity and recovery, marriage counseling and premarital counseling.
> 
> I do not know who you found to agree with you but they have an unhealthy view if they think cheaters were driven to cheat by anything but their own lack of discipline and lust.
> 
> ...


Well, I've been married for 55 years so I've run into twice as much of most of what life has to throw in your way. So there!


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I have never seen one instance where infidelity was ever, in any way, contributed to by the BS. Marital problems, yes.
> 
> I have seen circumstances where the BS was 99% to blame for the marital problems but still had zero liability for infidelity.
> 
> ...


EI's husband, B1, had, for many years, a long thread on reconciliation. In it he claimed to have had some responsibility for how EI felt in the run-up to her affair. But as you say, she felt enough guilt to take 100% responsibility.

Do you recall how people treated her when she first began posting? I assure you that many did not accept her as a remorseful wife trying to save her marriage.

People who want to leave their spouses generally leave their spouses and don't have affairs. If they chose the exit affair approach, it is strong evidence that they want their spouse to suffer the way they did.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> EI's husband, B1, had, for many years, a long thread on reconciliation. In it he claimed to have had some responsibility for how EI felt in the run-up to her affair. But as you say, she felt enough guilt to take 100% responsibility.
> 
> Do you recall how people treated her when she first began posting? I assure you that many did not accept her as a remorseful wife trying to save her marriage.
> 
> People who want to leave their spouses generally leave their spouses and don't have affairs. If they chose the exit affair approach, it is strong evidence that they want their spouse to suffer the way they did.


This post has been mentally filed for further processing, I will have a thorough analysis and will come up with a suitable response.

Good guys/gals will be added to the analysis as the "getting cheated on most" parameter, and the string "I did nothing but try to provide" will be the private protected variable, with the post's very last sentence as a public void class. It will return nothing but we'll see.

The volume of alcohol just will not let the computing be possible at this time.


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## nightmare01 (Oct 3, 2014)

BrightEyes86 said:


> Relationships are a 2-way road, as you well know having been married as long as you have. Do you honestly mean to tell me you've never once seen a situation of infidelity where you look at the betrayed and say "he/she should have seen it coming the way they were behaving?" There are plenty of instances where a spouse is driven into another's arms because of a lack of understanding/ sex/ general disconnection. And who is to blame for that lack of understanding? Both of them.
> 
> You're right, my husband did not spread my legs for me physically. He didn't hold me down. I made that decision myself. And I also wouldn't have made it if I'd felt more secure. The lack of security is where we're both to blame, and that's all there is to it.


Every experience is different - so I can't speak directly to YOUR situation.

However what is not mentioned in your post is how your husband was feeling in your M prior to you cheating. In MY case I was terribly unhappy. Our work schedules were driving us apart - mostly due to our kids, jobs, and long commutes. 

I would get the kids up in the morning, get them fed, dressed, packed up, and to school - then I would go to work. WW would get up very early and go into work early, then she could be home to pick them up from daycare, get dinner for them, and help with the homework, and the rest of the night time duties.

We barely saw each other during the week, but I would always try to have some one on one time with her (date night or whatever) on the weekend.

During this time she met her OM at work. (he was a serial cheater) He chatted her up, and listened while she discussed our M problems. He gave her ego kibbles when she complained, and so she embellished the problems of our relationship - and came to believe them. OM became her confidant and her friend.

At first they would sneak off to the company cafeteria, then they would sneak off to have coffee away from work, then after awhile they started to sneak off to have sex.

The thing I want to point out is that I KNEW we were having troubles, and I was doing everything I could think of to fix them. I turned toward her when these problems came up, she on the other hand turned to her OM.

In response to our problems, I did not cheat and wanted to work on our marriage with her, she had an affair and resisted every attempt I made to get closer to her.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Drive yourself to work and get into MC immediately! It only takes one unfortunate episode of infidelity to undermine a lifetime of trust.

Do this for your husband's peace of mind ... as well as your own!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: I think my husband suspects me of cheating*



arbitrator said:


> Drive yourself to work and get into MC immediately! It only takes one unfortunate episode of infidelity to undermine a lifetime of trust.
> 
> Do this for your husband's peace of mind ... as well as your own!


She and her husband got it sorted out already.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> I am not sure what you expect to be told here. You need to speak with your husband and be honest with him.
> 
> As a side note, it might be that this marriage should not continue. I don't know what you guys discussed to reconcile, but it doesn't sound like you completely own your infidelity in that you are still justifying it by saying
> 
> ...


Still stand by what I said above. You are still trying to justify your cheating! Pseudo remorse at its finest. Your husband seems to be taking quite a psychological beating from you. Send him here instead.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> Well, I've been married for 55 years so I've run into twice as much of most of what life has to throw in your way. So there!


So glad to be inspected by you Syd.

I would love to see your case work or actual life examples of how you have helped save marriages by blameshifting and lying.

Your school of thought on infidelity has been interesting to say the least.

Blamshifting the affair to the BS for a happier, healthier marriage.

Would love to hear all examples of how this made for stronger, healthier individuals and stronger, healthier marriages.

I find your advice to be mostly harmful but I will be willing to amend my point of view with sufficient evidence.

I believe in studied effect and reaction so maybe I am really full of it and the folks I have helped face to face in real life have just been lucky in spite of my best efforts to destroy their happy marriages.

Please enlighten me as to the benefits of blameshifting responsibility of an affair to the BS for the foundation of a more solid marriage and healthier individuals.

Please start a thread on it with plenty of facts and success stories. I would be fascinated.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> EI's husband, B1, had, for many years, a long thread on reconciliation. In it he claimed to have had some responsibility for how EI felt in the run-up to her affair. But as you say, she felt enough guilt to take 100% responsibility.
> 
> Do you recall how people treated her when she first began posting? I assure you that many did not accept her as a remorseful wife trying to save her marriage.
> 
> People who want to leave their spouses generally leave their spouses and don't have affairs. If they chose the exit affair approach, it is strong evidence that they want their spouse to suffer the way they did.


If you remember, EI was not at all remorseful when she first came here.

OP has shown way more remorse for her actions than EI when she first started.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: I think my husband suspects me of cheating*



manfromlamancha said:


> Still stand by what I said above. You are still trying to justify your cheating! Pseudo remorse at its finest. Your husband seems to be taking quite a psychological beating from you. Send him here instead.


Knock. It. Off.
She spoke to her husband.
They got it sorted out.
Stop beating her up.
This is why many waywards don't want to come here.
Seriously. Knock. It. Off.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

I'm probably more paranoid than most on this site, but it would *really* bother me to have my wife spending at least two hours every day alone with another man. I've always subscribed to the notion that a man and a woman, who are not married to each other, can't maintain a close friendship without at least one of them eventually "getting ideas." I'll probably get a lot of argument over that, but I've certainly seen that scenario on TAM more than once. I just hope those two can behave and not be tempted in any way. As long as he's ok with it, then ok for them. I certainly wouldn't be ok with it.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: I think my husband suspects me of cheating*



sidney2718 said:


> EI's husband, B1, had, for many years, a long thread on reconciliation. In it he claimed to have had some responsibility for how EI felt in the run-up to her affair. But as you say, she felt enough guilt to take 100% responsibility.
> 
> Do you recall how people treated her when she first began posting? I assure you that many did not accept her as a remorseful wife trying to save her marriage.
> 
> People who want to leave their spouses generally leave their spouses and don't have affairs. If they chose the exit affair approach, it is strong evidence that they want their spouse to suffer the way they did.


The problem is that most of the posters that truly wished to offer constructive advice and not pass judgement are no longer here. I do believe that infidelity is 100% the choice of the WS but in some marriages all the WS has is bad and worse choices. That is when we collectively need to demonstrate compassion and understanding.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: I think my husband suspects me of cheating*



ConanHub said:


> If you remember, EI was not at all remorseful when she first came here.
> 
> OP has shown way more remorse for her actions than EI when she first started.


I disagree. EI was remorseful for what she had done. She was extremely confused and had very little emotional attachment to B1 at that time. But she didn't want him to be in pain so she came here and subjected herself to scrutiny. Thankfully there were a few that wanted to listen and really help.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

sidney2718 said:


> EI's husband, B1, had, for many years, a long thread on reconciliation. In it *he claimed to have had some responsibility for how EI felt in the run-up to her affair. But as you say, she felt enough guilt to take 100% responsibility.*
> 
> Do you recall how people treated her when she first began posting? I assure you that many did not accept her as a remorseful wife trying to save her marriage.
> 
> People who want to leave their spouses generally leave their spouses and don't have affairs. If they chose the exit affair approach, it is strong evidence that they want their spouse to suffer the way they did.



Viz., the above:

(As per their earlier posts):

EI’s husband refused her sex and intimacy for a long time, despite her trying. She clearly warned him that she would go outside the marriage for those, if he did not provide her those inside the marriage.

*He didn’t, and she did.*


Obviously, lack of sex & intimacy would be a deal-breaker for marriages. B1 HAD TO assume responsibility for that.

Yeah. She did not divorce him first (before having an affair).

And he didn’t divorce her after.



Against that backdrop, BOTH of them did heavy lifting for Reconciliation, and it all turned out good.

She seems to have fallen in love with him again. Quite fortuitous, after an exit affair.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

EI's a great lady. I've always wished her well.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

He definately suspects. Cant say i balme him. All you can do is be open and honest with him. Dont give him a reason to be jelous.

I would stop car pooling with the neigbour. It would make a good first start to fixing this situation.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Knock. It. Off.
> She spoke to her husband.
> They got it sorted out.
> Stop beating her up.
> ...


And you know this how ? Because she told you (after being lambasted)!

She fu**ed another guy while "drunk" (we all know that is a bull$h!t reason).

She then convinces her husband that its his fault but is "prepared" to take some of the blame.

And husband is still freaking out yet she manages to "sort it out".

The best way to really help waywards is to get them to first face the truth about themselves and the situation they have landed themselves in and (really) why. Waywards don't want to come here when they don't really want to face this - some come here hoping for people like you to help them assuage their guilt and believe that they were right to stray in the first place.

Hence in this case, I really believe that her husband should be the one here.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Sports Fan said:


> He definately suspects. Cant say i balme him. All you can do is be open and honest with him. Dont give him a reason to be jelous.
> 
> I would stop car pooling with the neigbour. It would make a good first start to fixing this situation.


Ah, the good sense of a seasoned cricketer!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

bfree said:


> I disagree. EI was remorseful for what she had done. She was extremely confused and had very little emotional attachment to B1 at that time. But she didn't want him to be in pain so she came here and subjected herself to scrutiny. Thankfully there were a few that wanted to listen and really help.


Sorry. You probably do know better than I but it seemed to me that she was still quite heavily in the "fog".

I seem to recall that B1 had to help her to heal first so that she could clear up enough to show true remorse.

At first, she did not seem capable of it.

I agree that there were posters that definitely contributed more.

However. Blameshifting the affair, in any percentage, to the BS is still BS.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

BrightEyes86 said:


> Before I go into too much detail I have to confess that I did cheat once before. It was a stupid, drunken mistake. I could have gotten away with it scott-free, but instead I knew I had to confess in order to be honest with myself and my marriage. The details of that don't really matter to this situation, suffice to say that it was rough for a while, and it took a long time to work through it. It's since been 3 years, and things have been going extremely well. Until recently that is.
> 
> It isn't anything major, just a couple little things here and there. My schedule at work recently changed and lines up with a friend of ours who lives up the road. We've known him and his wife for years and years, we all went to high school together, and we're very close. So he and I started carpooling to work, it's 45 miles one direction, about an hour long drive. Gas is expensive, and it save maintenance on both of our cars. Anyway, I think my husband is toying with the idea in his mind that we might be having an affair. It's not the case, I have no intention of hurting my husband like that again, especially not with a very close personal friend.
> 
> ...




Lady,

You are only human, and this thought *might* suddenly strike you one of these days:

"Oh, my husband anyway suspects / believes he (your friend) and I are having an affair, so we might as well" (because it wouldn’t make him - your husband - feel any worse).



The car is just a machine, and it *could *one day enable the following explanation from you:

"The car broke down, it required 3 hours of repair, so we went to a motel, and just talked."



Your husband is only human, and this thought *might *come to his mind one of these days:

"She and him were high school friends, and in high school, *every* opposite sex friend is a potential boyfriend. Now, they spend two hours every day together within close confines (the car). That can all of a sudden turn into intimate space, if there is a ‘moment’."

"Suppose one day, they drive out in the morning and come back in the evening as usual, but didn’t go to their respective offices, or went in late / came out early? How can I be checking out everyday? Suppose they have already done that?
AND she has done it once in the past."



*Please stop the carfooling, Lady. It seems unwise on all counts.
*
And perhaps you could keep a distance with this friend for a while, until things subside on the marital front. If possible, for good.

(I am assuming that you value the marriage above the friendship).

Best of luck.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Just did as much research as threads will allow.

EI was not remorseful right off. She was not ready for a heartfelt sorry, got defensive and was still blameshifting her affair at the beginning. 

Quite a difference from the true lady she has become.

She also gaslighted B1 and kept the affair going under his nose after discovery.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

she also asked B1 to get out of the house. and he DID.

it was VERY rough in the initial post D-Day phase, as I recollect.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

BrightEyes86 said:


> Believe we are shaky if you must, we'll just have to agree to disagree. I've spoken about this blame theory with others, and have found most agree with us. I feel you have been burned by someone in the past, perhaps this is why you are so adamant on this topic. I'm not saying that cheating is ever the right answer, it creates more problems than it solves. But understand that if a person has no reason to doubt their relationship, they won't be driven to this point. Obviously the answer is to address it before one is driven this far, but the adulterer always feels driven.


Not always. There are some posters here who have said that they were married to great spouses, but cheated in a time of weakness or selfishness. But the majority of aldulterers do say they were "driven" (as you as it), but most of the time it seems to me that they are just trying to justify their actions. 

The predominant view here on TAM is that the betrayed spouse may well be responsible for a portion (even the great portion) of the state of the marriage, but that final decision to cheat is made by the adulterer, 100%. That thinking actually makes sense, if you consider it at length. All marriages have difficult times, but the thing is to work through them rather than cheat. If the marriage is non-fixable (for example, physical abuse, completely incompatible partners, substance abuse, etc. ) then the answer is divorce. I haven't seen a situation yet where the statement that someone was "driven" to adultery held up in my view.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> Obviously, lack of sex & intimacy would be a deal-breaker for marriages.


Well this raises a topic I think about know and then. Maybe for another thread.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

Let me rephrase:
Obviously, lack of sex & intimacy would be a deal-breaker for *many* marriages.

it (not qualifying it) was an oversight.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

BrightEyes86 said:


> You're right, my husband did not spread my legs for me physically. He didn't hold me down. I made that decision myself. And I also wouldn't have made it if I'd felt more secure. The lack of security is where we're both to blame, and that's all there is to it.


Well, first of all, I am glad that the current crisis has seemed to resolve for you and your husband. That's good news.

As far as your last couple of sentences...wow. I don't think I can ever conceive of an instance when "lack of security" would justify an affair in my book, or likely in the eyes of most people I know. But I really don't want to rehash the details of your affair; rather, I would like to speak more generally, which may (I hope) help clarify the perpective of some of the TAM posters.

Quite often (maybe the majority of the time) when a cheater has a One Night Stand, and subsequently regrets it, it is because of a lack of good boundaries. They may not intend to cheat initially, but they find themselves in positions where their resistance is broken down, especially if they have some resentments about their spouse. Classic situations would be a Girls Night Out, or maybe a night of partying at a hotel bar during a business trip. They fall short during a moment of weakness. 

When I was in Catholic school, there was a prayer we would have to say at the end of confession, which ended with: "and I firmly resolve, with the help of Thy Grace, to sin no more and to avoid the near occasion of sin." (fat lot of good that did me). "Near occasions of sin" were basically situations which, although not sinful themselves, could lead to sin in a moment of weakness. There is some merit to this "near occasion of sin"; the belief was that people are, after all, human, and fallible and can have a moment of weakness even if they are basically good people. So, if someone wants to avoid cheating, they might stop their Girls Night Out (or no longer hold it in singles bars), or stay in their hotel room instead of hitting the hotel bar, etc. So, in a sense, I believe that the people who have recommended that you stop carpooling are, in essense, cautioning you to avoid a Near Occasion of Sin. It would be very easy to become emotionally attached to someone in a long private commute (and prior friendship doesn't make you immune, because the situation from years ago and now are different). Boundaries can be weak, and in a moment of weakness things can happen which were never intended. The fact that this can be concern doesn't mean people think you are evil, untrustworthy, or even unrepentant; it just means you are...human...and like anyone else, may have a lapse in boundaries. The best defense, therefore, is a defense in depth--and avoiding Near Occasions of Sin.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> Let me rephrase:
> Obviously, lack of sex & intimacy would be a deal-breaker for *many* marriages.
> 
> it (not qualifying it) was an oversight.


Just to clarify, I was interested in what you wrote. And wonder a bit about how many suffer on without intimacy or affection for the sake of the marriage when the marriage turned out not to be what they signed up for. But this is not the place.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

I would like to posit a question about blame. Let's suppose that a woman is married and the H is constantly upset by all the marital issues and cannot talk to his wife nor her him. So one day they are fighting and he rears back and takes a swing landing a blow to his wife's face breaking her jaw and knocking out three teeth. What percentage of the broken jaw and teeth is on the wife? How much was her fault and deserved? Should she just get over it since she pushed her H to do it and he had had too much to drink? Will she flinch each time he raises his hand in the future?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: I think my husband suspects me of cheating*



manfromlamancha said:


> And you know this how ? Because she told you (after being lambasted)!
> 
> She fu**ed another guy while "drunk" (we all know that is a bull$h!t reason).
> 
> ...


And I completely disagree with everything you said here. 

First of all, she did as suggested by SOME here, talked to him. I even suggested that when I PM'd her, after reading the attacks in this thread. I told her to talk and tell him to be COMPLETELY honest, even if it hurt her feelings. And, to do whatever it would take to make him feel secure, whether that was stopping the carpool (and having to pay that saved $150+ in gas money), or whatever he decided, if he still said carpool was ok.

You claim her husband is "still freaking out"? You know this, how? Oh, that's right. You don't. All you can do is go by what OP has said... which us COMPLETELY the opposite of that statement. HE was/is not freaking out. SHE was. And then, they talked. Imagine that... she took advice given and they had a positive outcome... no thanks to people like you who seem to enjoy piling on waywards who come here.

You think I tell waywards that it's OK that they cheated? Are you f*cking kidding me?? I have NEVER told ANY wayward that he or she was right to stray. The ONLY thing that I have done that could POSSIBLY be construed as positive is telling them that they are NOT the scum if the earth that so many here would call them because of their actions. Do I understand the feelings they had, leading up to whatever they have done to betray their spouses? Of course I do! I have BEEN there! Does that excuse the choice to stray? ABSOLUTELY NOT! 

Now, all we can do is take what is written at face value. You cannot assume that HER husband feels a certain way because YOU do... any more than I can assume she feels a certain way because I do.

That right there is enough for me to believe SHE is the right one to come here. Apparently, you missed the part where she said she has been beating herself up over this for years. But that makes no difference, right? That's what I thought.

I stand by my previous post: knock it off. Stop beating her up.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

BrightEyes86 said:


> Thing is I'm not really certain how to handle it. I don't want to just come out and say it in case he really isn't thinking I'm having an affair and that'll make him start thinking it. But if he is, I also don't want him agonizing over it and getting himself worked up. I also don't want him thinking our friend would do something like that either and have it wind up ruining the friendship.


Unless he comes to you and says something, I'd leave it along. As long as you two are going to straight to work and coming straight home, let him bring it up IF he has a problem with it.

It may be that he trusts this other guy even if he doesn't trust you.

So just keep it business as usual. And if your H does have a concern, then stop carpooling with the guy, forget about how expensive the gas is. Just consider it an economic sacrifice to put a betrayed husband's mind at ease after what you did.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Not that many will care, but I sent her a PM. She did talk to her husband, and he put her suspicions about this to rest. No, he doesn't think she is cheating. No, he doesn't think she WILL cheat.


Very well. Problem solved.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

BrightEyes86 said:


> Relationships are a 2-way road, as you well know having been married as long as you have. Do you honestly mean to tell me you've never once seen a situation of infidelity where you look at the betrayed and say "he/she should have seen it coming the way they were behaving?" There are plenty of instances where a spouse is driven into another's arms because of a lack of understanding/ sex/ general disconnection. And who is to blame for that lack of understanding? Both of them.



Ok, even though the problem is solved and this case seems to be closed, I have to respond to this.

No, the betrayed spouse is not to blame for the other spouse's cheating.

Both spouses are responsible for the state of the marriage and to take care of it. But the cheating and decision to cheat is solely the blame of the cheating spouse.

If you are going to tell the people in this forum that they are partially to blame for being cheated on, don't be surprised by the reactions you are going to get.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

First of all, glad to see Vellocet back. I rarely disagree with him.

Next, regarding this thread, I have held my thoughts back but will let go now.

1)	I agree with the posters here who say that cheating is a choice and isn’t ‘forced’. Divorce is clearly an option but an affair should not be, regardless of the situation. Have some self respect and get out of a bad marriage if need be but having an affair is not justifiable, nor is a ONS. I wouldn’t tolerate it myself. 
2)	The OP here seemed to shift from remorse to gaslighting. The ONS was all on her. The ‘carpooling thing’ was as one poster said here was a lack of boundaries. I go even farther than this. As I mention in point 3
3)	If something you are doing is a problem with your spouse, than it’s your problem too. If what you are doing is something you wouldn’t want him/her to do to you, don’t do it. And finally, if you cross these lines, expect a negative and maybe even defensive, jealous reaction. You are going to get it and perhaps deserve it.
4)	What you are doing sometimes may not seem to be much to you but you are the one doing it, not the one it’s being done to. 

With these thoughts in mind, while I am glad things seem to be working out for OP, there is much to learn from this and how you reacted and the fact that a trust issue will continue to exist. People here can be harsh but it’s because it happened to many of them and they sometimes personalize themselves in your situation. 

I know there was a lot of talk about this EI and B1, sad situation and B1 seemed to be wrong in many areas but regardless of anything, I agree with Conan’s views on this subject and history. Both made big mistakes, they got over it and seem to be doing very well. Each story is different but marital problems are marital problems which need to be resolved or there needs to be a D but cheating is out of bounds and there is no room for an exit affair either. I agree with some of the posters here regarding who was responsible but am opposed to the ones in this thread who justify her or anybody else’s affair. It seems like this case has been beaten to death on these boards so I will not comment any further on it.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

per No Choice:






Default Re: I think my husband suspects me of cheating
I would like to posit a question about blame. Let's suppose that a woman is married and the H is constantly upset by all the marital issues and cannot talk to his wife nor her him. So one day they are fighting and he rears back and takes a swing landing a blow to his wife's face breaking her jaw and knocking out three teeth. What percentage of the broken jaw and teeth is on the wife? How much was her fault and deserved? Should she just get over it since she pushed her H to do it and he had had too much to drink? Will she flinch each time he raises his hand in the future?



Per me:

:iagree:


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

@wmn1-- 

I'd say not harsh, but TAM folks are Unafraid to use velvet covered 2x4s and sometimes 4x4s as necessary to wake folks up.

The Collective TAM pain of experience should mean something to OPs. Dear Ab*ey column would be a kinder, gentler outlet for those who wish to rugsweep, gaslight and tread lighter over their actions.

TAM represents many viewpoints. Earned in the very worst, harshest way. Well worth a listen.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> If you remember, EI was not at all remorseful when she first came here.
> 
> OP has shown way more remorse for her actions than EI when she first started.


That's true, she wasn't. But what I said about her husband is also true. He felt that some of the blame fell on him.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

thummper said:


> I'm probably more paranoid than most on this site, but it would *really* bother me to have my wife spending at least two hours every day alone with another man. I've always subscribed to the notion that a man and a woman, who are not married to each other, can't maintain a close friendship without at least one of them eventually "getting ideas." I'll probably get a lot of argument over that, but I've certainly seen that scenario on TAM more than once. I just hope those two can behave and not be tempted in any way. As long as he's ok with it, then ok for them. I certainly wouldn't be ok with it.


I agree with you. But it is their marriage and they seem happy with it. I think that we can count it as a success story because she got what she came here for.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

bfree said:


> The problem is that most of the posters that truly wished to offer constructive advice and not pass judgement are no longer here. I do believe that infidelity is 100% the choice of the WS but in some marriages all the WS has is bad and worse choices. That is when we collectively need to demonstrate compassion and understanding.


I agree. And I also believe that there is no point in arguing about the percentage of blame in infidelity. There is no question that logically 100% of the blame is on the cheater. But psychologically the situation is different for every couple and it is almost impossible for outsiders like us to decide what the psychology of a given marriage is.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

NoChoice said:


> I would like to posit a question about blame. Let's suppose that a woman is married and the H is constantly upset by all the marital issues and cannot talk to his wife nor her him. So one day they are fighting and he rears back and takes a swing landing a blow to his wife's face breaking her jaw and knocking out three teeth. What percentage of the broken jaw and teeth is on the wife? How much was her fault and deserved? Should she just get over it since she pushed her H to do it and he had had too much to drink? Will she flinch each time he raises his hand in the future?



I'll just say that the assault is 100% on him, but that she was responsible for 50% of the problems in the marriage prior to the punch. assuming that makes sense :scratchhead: 

or i.e. - I completely agree with the point you are making.....


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> I'll just say that the assault is 100% on him, but that she was responsible for 50% of the problems in the marriage prior to the punch. assuming that makes sense :scratchhead:
> 
> or i.e. - I completely agree with the point you are making.....


I think his point was, for those that are saying that a BS should take part of the blame in their spouse cheating on them, hence they were pushed to it, then they should also be willing to say that if one spouse pushes the other too far that they react in a different way, that they are responsible for that reaction....whether it be cheating, a punch to the face, etc.

Of course nobody who thinks this way is going to say that the one spouse is not partly to blame for being abused because then they'd have to admit one spouse isn't to blame for being cheated on either.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> And I completely disagree with everything you said here.
> 
> First of all, she did as suggested by SOME here, talked to him. I even suggested that when I PM'd her, after reading the attacks in this thread. I told her to talk and tell him to be COMPLETELY honest, even if it hurt her feelings. And, to do whatever it would take to make him feel secure, whether that was stopping the carpool (and having to pay that saved $150+ in gas money), or whatever he decided, if he still said carpool was ok.
> 
> ...


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## FOB (Oct 29, 2014)

I haven't read every post in this thread, but quite a few. OP, this is an instance where many people here are looking from the outside in, and they see something you're not seeing (kind of like a counselor would). 

You're playing with fire by carpooling with your male friend. Spending 90 minutes a day with another man - and talking about your relationships some of that time - is dangerous. Every relationship is different, but based on your history, I wouldn't just guard my marriage, I'd defend it like my life depended on it. No amount of money or inconvenience would be worth risking my marriage. 

And unfortunately, whether you see it or not, that's what you're doing. Thanks for sharing and coming back to discuss the details, even when you probably didn't want to.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

molm, she posted the thread on Saturday. She was told to talk to him by nearly everyone in this thread. The title says she THINKS he suspects, not that he DOES. God forbid she actually SPEAK to her husband about it. But, hey, you know best. She's obviously lying, and it obviously bothers him. You're right, of course. There? Feel better now? Wtfe.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Oh, and I must be an unremorseful spouse, now. I wouldn't stop the carpooling unless my husband TOLD me it bothered him. $150+ is a hell of a lot more money to some people, including my husband and me. IT'S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE TO DISCUSS IT BEFORE MAKING A RASH DECISION SUCH AS STOPPING BECAUSE I AM INSECURE ABOUT WHAT HE  MIGHT  BE THINKING!!


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Sorry, maricha, I don't quite understand your anger, and you've certainly shown quite a bit of it here. You apparently have taken a lot of the comments very personally. It's just that there are those of us who feel spending that much time alone, in an enclosed space, every single workday, for several hours a week with a member of the opposite sex who is already regarded as a "friend" is not a good idea. Seriously, how many threads have *you* seen on this site in which affairs between "friends" have become commonplace? Too much time alone is definitely a potential explosion just waiting to happen. Then the fallout: "Oh, we really didn't mean for this to happen!" "How could we have done this to our spouses?" "I've never hated myself so much!" "I'll never forgive myself for hurting him/her this way!" "I don't want to lose my family!" I've heard these comments, or ones very similar to them, time and again here. Familiarity can wind up breeding a lot more than just contempt.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

My problem, thummper, is that it was suggested she stop without even speaking to her husband first. Sorry, but if my husband were to stop a carpool simply because he THOUGHT I might believe he was cheating, THAT would raise a red flag for me. I would think he WAS cheating in that case. Add to that the OP talked it over with her husband and a select few have said they don't believe her, she doesn't belong here, and her husband should be here. Angry? No. Irritated? Yes. I am irritated that some think it's OK to, essentially, call her a liar. I also don't appreciate that I was told that I am the type of person who tells posters that it was OK that they cheated. And yes, manoflamancha, you did that. Assuage means to make it seem like their actions weren't as bad as they were. Cheating is wrong. I have said that many times over. Unlike some, however, I don't see even the worst offenders as the scum of the earth. They are not. 

Now, OP stated that she does text her husband while they are driving to work, as well as from (a question asked by some). She was asked if the friend's wife knew about her ONS. She does, and gave her a tongue lashing over it, too! OP answered the questions posed, she talked to her husband (as suggested by some posters), they resolved her concerns. Her concerns. SHE was the one concerned, and she was told to tell him to be COMPLETELY honest with her, which he did. But that's not enough for some people.

Yes, I am aware of how many threads start with "we're just friends" theme. She also has said, if I remember correctly, that she has no problem with him seeing her texts, email, etc. She has nothing to hide. There was something I had even mentioned in PM, if that would help, IF he had a real concern, and she would have done it, no problem.

It doesn't take hours together to get something started. Even 15-30 minutes, twice a day can do it. Hence my comment that I should not take my kids to the bus stop, nor pick them up, with my neighbor... according to the thoughts posted here. And it's nonsense. Just as it's nonsense to stop saving a lot of money because she thinks he might think something.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Thanks for responding, Maricha. Coming from my own perspective, I guess I'm a little more suspicious of other people's motives when they find themselves in a situation where they are spending, what I consider, too much time together. I just hope that the OP and her husband can live with this over the long haul and not have doubts creeping in. I haven't read your story, but I do hope everything is going well for you and your husband. Be happy.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

Vis a vis the topic under discussion in the later posts:


A two-hour drive everyday is not required for infidelity. A twenty-minute drive could do. Heck, even a stationary vehicle and seven minutes will do. But the more the togetherness, the higher the probability, and the higher the apprehension, even though it ALL depends on the character and preferences of the people involved, and the strength of the marital boundaries.

*He had reason to be worried. And she had history to be referred against.*

And I dare say if he was driving to his workplace everyday for two hours with a girl he was friends with in high school, she might have trouble not objecting to it just because it saved some money.

Then again, I am a narrow-minded male. I try not to be, but my life experiences have always been counter-intuitive.




There was a poster on TAM who wrote about how, his longtime wife wanted to learn the Piano. They called up for a coach, who turned out to be a male, and when he arrived, he turned out to be an uncommonly handsome man.

For a moment, the poster clearly heard a primitive alarm bell ring. The thought came to his mind that learning / coaching the piano is a rather close-contact scenario, and with the coach being such an attractive man, it could be too tempting for any woman / his wife.

But he shut it out. He must have reminded himself that his wife was not asking / wanting to go for a Girls Night Out. She wanted to learn the piano – an artistic, cultural endeavor. If he thwarted it because of his own insecurity, he would have looked like a lesser man.

He could have asked for a different coach, but even that would have exposed his insecurity. So he didn’t.

Within six months, his wife confessed to him about her affair with the piano coach, which began SOON after the classes began.

He wanted to be a graceful spouse and a decent man, and ended up as a foolish wittol.

*Now, I don't want to argue whether the piano needs to be taken to IC.*



Inference:
*There is no graceful, or even totally fair, methodology of mate-guarding. *It is a primitive self-defense strategy, and will always conflict with our sophisticated new ways of living.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

But ignored at your own peril.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> My problem, thummper, is that it was suggested she stop without even speaking to her husband first. Sorry, but if my husband were to stop a carpool simply because he THOUGHT I might believe he was cheating, THAT would raise a red flag for me. I would think he WAS cheating in that case. Add to that the OP talked it over with her husband and a select few have said they don't believe her, she doesn't belong here, and her husband should be here. Angry? No. Irritated? Yes. I am irritated that some think it's OK to, essentially, call her a liar. I also don't appreciate that I was told that I am the type of person who tells posters that it was OK that they cheated. And yes, manoflamancha, you did that. Assuage means to make it seem like their actions weren't as bad as they were. Cheating is wrong. I have said that many times over. Unlike some, however, I don't see even the worst offenders as the scum of the earth. They are not.
> 
> Now, OP stated that she does text her husband while they are driving to work, as well as from (a question asked by some). She was asked if the friend's wife knew about her ONS. She does, and gave her a tongue lashing over it, too! OP answered the questions posed, she talked to her husband (as suggested by some posters), they resolved her concerns. Her concerns. SHE was the one concerned, and she was told to tell him to be COMPLETELY honest with her, which he did. But that's not enough for some people.
> 
> ...


Maricha:

at the risk of having not read the entire thread, I hope this has not been asked you and answered by you - 

what would you do if you were in her exact same situation? Not asking what your husband would think, but asking you whether you personally would consider this ride-sharing scenario crossing a boundary.....your own boundaries vis-a-vis your marriage.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> Vis a vis the topic under discussion in the later posts:
> 
> A two-hour drive everyday is not required for infidelity. A twenty-minute drive could do. Heck, even a stationary vehicle and seven minutes will do. But the more the togetherness, the higher the probability, and the higher the apprehension, even though it ALL depends on the character and preferences of the people involved, and the strength of the marital boundaries.
> 
> ...


interesting account. I often have the opposite viewpoint regarding whether a husband or wife is insecure. depends on the person/situation, but I think that the husband/wife that insists their spouse observe certain marital boundaries is more "secure" (i.e. more confident in themsleves as a person, more immune to unfair accusations of jealousy, guilting etc.) than one who tends not to. IMO these kinds of boundaries are, first and foremost, about showing the proper respect toward your marriage and toward your spouse. that they act as firewalls against infidelity is important, but secondary. my view.....


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

vellocet said:


> I think his point was, for those that are saying that a BS should take part of the blame in their spouse cheating on them, hence they were pushed to it, then they should also be willing to say that if one spouse pushes the other too far that they react in a different way, that they are responsible for that reaction....whether it be cheating, a punch to the face, etc.
> 
> Of course nobody who thinks this way is going to say that the one spouse is not partly to blame for being abused because then they'd have to admit one spouse isn't to blame for being cheated on either.


understand and agree. TAM needs to have a 'tongue-in-cheek' smiley because it is often hard to communicate that through posting alone (I don't think the 'roll eyes' icon serves that purpose so well). I was essentially writing down the "shares 50%....before..." as the inane cliche that I believe it is, sounding particularly ridiculous in the context of physical abuse.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

or intense psychological/emotional abuse


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: I think my husband suspects me of cheating*



nuclearnightmare said:


> Maricha:
> 
> at the risk of having not read the entire thread, I hope this has not been asked you and answered by you -
> 
> what would you do if you were in her exact same situation? Not asking what your husband would think, but asking you whether you personally would consider this ride-sharing scenario crossing a boundary.....your own boundaries vis-a-vis your marriage.


I believe I may have answered, but honestly cannot say for certain. In the exact same situation? I would talk to my husband, as I said to BrightEyes. I would tell him to be completely honest with me, even if that means telling me he doesn't like it, or it bothers him. IF he said he'd rather I drive to work, not carpool, then I would... at THAT point. However, as I stated, I wouldn't just stop the carpool based solely on a "feeling" without discussing it first. And, if there were other measures he would want to take, such as VARs placed in my belongings, without my knowledge, I would be fine with that. But the situation OP is in? What would I do? Exactly as she did... Which is what I suggested to her. And would I have a problem if it were my husband in the place of the OP, and I in the place of OP's husband? Not at all. I would handle it the same way.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

For what it's worth, I believe that temptation, exposure, convenience and track record all play into how someone feels about a given situation. If a person shows signs of having a propensity to excessively imbibe, then keeping liquor in close proximity may cause overwhelming temptation especially during periods of the day when nothing else is demanding attention.

The individual may never decide to partake but the odds are increased by the criteria, mentioned in the first sentence, being met. This does not mean that they are scum of the earth but it does mean that they are an alcoholic and driving a liquor delivery truck may not be the best job for them if they truly desire to be sober. They may find a job paying less money but offering a higher degree of probability that they can stay on the wagon. Personally, I would advise them against driving the liquor truck but, then again, I am not much of a gambler.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Whether it's been 3 years or 30 years, he will always think it. No matter how good things are going, there will always be some doubt in his head. Once trust is broken once, it's never gained back 100%. 99% is the best to hope for.
> 
> Not sure if $10-$12 worth of gas a day is worth it, considering the emotional cost. Not sure who you slept with in the past as you say it is not relevant to the situation. But yes he is thinking it with current friend. He is thinking it at every situation you find yourself in with another guy. Friends, coworkers, guy at the grocery. You name it. Most affair partners are friends. So yes he is thinking it. Best to ask him straight up if he is concerned, and then drive to work yourself.
> 
> ...


Spot on. This is why I divorced my cheating wife. I wasn't willing to to live in constant fear, with constant suspicion and a lack of trust. Sad but true - cheat even once, and that's how it is, forever. You'll never escape his suspicions.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: I think my husband suspects me of cheating*



Maricha75 said:


> I believe I may have answered, but honestly cannot say for certain. In the exact same situation? I would talk to my husband, as I said to BrightEyes. I would tell him to be completely honest with me, even if that means telling me he doesn't like it, or it bothers him. IF he said he'd rather I drive to work, not carpool, then I would... at THAT point. However, as I stated, I wouldn't just stop the carpool based solely on a "feeling" without discussing it first. And, if there were other measures he would want to take, such as VARs placed in my belongings, without my knowledge, I would be fine with that. But the situation OP is in? What would I do? Exactly as she did... Which is what I suggested to her. And would I have a problem if it were my husband in the place of the OP, and I in the place of OP's husband? Not at all. I would handle it the same way.


See, I agree with you that communication, honest communication is a must. However, that said if I were the OP, knowing what I now know about how easy it is to fall into that trap, I would not carpool alone with someone of the opposite sex. I have never cheated, I have no intentions of ever cheating, but I know that everyone including me is capable of cheating. I choose to maintain strict boundaries so I do not put myself in situations where there is even the slightest chance that something could get started. Maybe my boundaries are too strict for some. Maybe my "better safe than sorry" directive is not for everyone. But it has worked for me. It has worked for my wife. I have a great marriage and I'm not going to take the slightest chance of ruining it. Has it cost us in the past? Yes it has. My wife has turned down assignments at work because she didn't feel the circumstances were right. I have sacrificed at my job as well so as to maintain my strict boundaries. I'll take chances playing the lottery or betting on a horse. When it comes to my marriage and family..nope.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

nuclearnightmare said:


> interesting account. I often have the opposite viewpoint regarding whether a husband or wife is insecure. depends on the person/situation, but I think that the husband/wife that insists their spouse observe certain marital boundaries is more "secure" (i.e. more confident in themsleves as a person, more immune to unfair accusations of jealousy, guilting etc.) than one who tends not to. IMO these kinds of boundaries are, first and foremost, about showing the proper respect toward your marriage and toward your spouse. that they act as firewalls against infidelity is important, but secondary. my view.....




I guess it works that way too.


A few thoughts:

The psychological tango between men and women being so delicate, *if a man states x, y and z are the marital boundaries he expects from his wife, whether he would be ‘commanding’ respect, and be valued for it, or seen as ‘demanding’ respect, and be devalued for it –* is anybody’s guess, and will vary from woman to woman. And also depend on the man’s basic social desirability / sex rank in the wife’s eyes.

If the wife deems the husband sexy / attractive enough to land ten other women if he wants, and he acts possessive (or gracefully emphasizes marital boundaries), she might feel honoured / complimented and respect him for it.

If an average man such as me does that, the wife might view him as an insecure man trying to hold on to the limited sexual space he has, and devalue him in her mind.


I know this is a shallow view of things (focusing on sex rank and all that, as though character, etc., does not matter much), but we ARE living in times of shallow values, and when it comes to infidelity, that seems to be the more dominant factor.




I remember an old movie, Tootsie -- the woman tells Dustin Hoffman (who is disguised as a woman) – that she likes men who are direct / honest, and wishes “that a guy could be honest enough to walk up to me and say: “I find you very interesting, and I'd really like to make love with you." (indicating that she would let him).

But when he does exactly that as a man (he walks up to her and speaks the same line - “I find you very interesting, and I'd really like to make love with you"), she throws her drink on his face / berates him and walks off.


This is also why if you ask a man who is of high sex rank (as it is popularly defined), he would have a view about female sexual morality very different from a more ‘common’ man’s view.

Then again, you see men of the highest sex rank being cheated on by their SOs, often with a so-called Beta.

Human contrariness is bewildering.


(I am dwelling on the male perspective because I am a man. Please count in the reverse scenario as a natural corollary).


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: I think my husband suspects me of cheating*



bfree said:


> See, I agree with you that communication, honest communication is a must. However, that said if I were the OP, knowing what I now know about how easy it is to fall into that trap, I would not carpool alone with someone of the opposite sex. I have never cheated, I have no intentions of ever cheating, but I know that everyone including me is capable of cheating. I choose to maintain strict boundaries so I do not put myself in situations where there is even the slightest chance that something could get started. Maybe my boundaries are too strict for some. Maybe my "better safe than sorry" directive is not for everyone. But it has worked for me. It has worked for my wife. I have a great marriage and I'm not going to take the slightest chance of ruining it. Has it cost us in the past? Yes it has. My wife has turned down assignments at work because she didn't feel the circumstances were right. I have sacrificed at my job as well so as to maintain my strict boundaries. I'll take chances playing the lottery or betting on a horse. When it comes to my marriage and family..nope.


And that's great... for you. This is why I brought up my neighbors early on. The wife is dealing with issues much like my husband. This came from her, first, not just him. Of course, being friends and neighbors, we are all going to talk. And with our kids all at the same schools, we will take them to the bus stop and pick them up together, too. If she's having a really bad day, due to her anxiety, I will go with him, not her. The point is that, as you pointed out, your ways may not work for someone else, and theirs may not work for you. And that's ok. But I also don't see you calling OP unremorseful or implying that she is lying when she said she talked it over with her husband... nor do u see you saying she doesn't belong here, but her husband should be here instead. 

I do wonder, though, if the reaction to my post about the neighbors would have been different if I had said "OMG! He's hot! And his wife is very pretty too!" (That would be a tongue in cheek statement, so calm down, people). I bet I would have had people lashing out at me for noticing whether or not someone is attractive.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> And that's great... for you. This is why I brought up my neighbors early on. The wife is dealing with issues much like my husband. This came from her, first, not just him. Of course, being friends and neighbors, we are all going to talk. And with our kids all at the same schools, we will take them to the bus stop and pick them up together, too. If she's having a really bad day, due to her anxiety, I will go with him, not her. The point is that, as you pointed out, your ways may not work for someone else, and theirs may not work for you. And that's ok. But I also don't see you calling OP unremorseful or implying that she is lying when she said she talked it over with her husband... nor do u see you saying she doesn't belong here, but her husband should be here instead.
> 
> I do wonder, though, if the reaction to my post about the neighbors would have been different if I had said "OMG! He's hot! And his wife is very pretty too!" (That would be a tongue in cheek statement, so calm down, people). I bet I would have had people lashing out at me for noticing whether or not someone is attractive.


Unremorseful...no, neither the OP nor you. My boundaries are mine. My wife's boundaries are hers. And frankly this was discussed and agreed upon prior to marriage. Since I'd been hurt previously I wasn't going to make a life long commitment to her unless we meshed in most of the important ways regardless of how much I loved her. And I considered these boundaries to be even more important that our religious affiliations (although we meshed there as well.) That's why I agree totally with your contention that honest communication is a must. As long as both people agree with stated boundaries then marriage is much smoother. As far as attractive is concerned...as I mentioned in another thread I work with a woman who has obvious strong feelings for me. My wife knows and is actually quite amused watching her flirt and give off signals at company functions. I make sure to keep strict boundaries with her and have refused to work too closely with her even though it cost me at my job. She is extremely attractive and younger than my wife. Doesn't matter. I love my wife and will never put myself in a position of compromise. If my wife didn't know for a fact how I conduct myself she would probably be very nervous. As things stand it is a source of humor for us although I must say that after watching this woman (or others) flirt with me the action later that night always seems to be more "lively."


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> I guess it works that way too.
> 
> A few thoughts:
> 
> ...


*carpenoctem* -

does the (2nd) bolded comment actually apply to you personally? i.e. your wife would react like that to you? don't want to assume too much before I comment again.....


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

nuclearnightmare said:


> *carpenoctem* -
> 
> does the (2nd) bolded comment actually apply to you personally? i.e. your wife would react like that to you? don't want to assume too much before I comment again.....




Thankfully, it did not.

But I can very well visualize it happening to me, because by common criteria, I am a very ordinary man, though I think every one of us is unique.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

as long as your wife finds you unique that's what's important!


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

nuclearnightmare said:


> as long as your wife finds you unique that's what's important!


Here, here:iagree:


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## BrightEyes86 (Nov 1, 2014)

Ok so I've been doing some thinking about the blame issue. Previously I was thinking of the ONS and the marital problems as the same thing, and that hasn't been entirely true. They're two separate things, and you're right, I do have to take the blame for my decision to get sloshed and well.. yeah. Alcohol and infidelity tend to go hand-in-hand (not always but a lot of the time). Especially in situations where the booze is flowing and your husband is miles away and you're in a hotel with nearly perfect strangers... you get the point. I decided a long time ago that I won't put myself in that situation again, even if it means not applying for jobs I know would require away-training. I have to own that, even if my husband thinks he's to blame too.

As far as the relationship issues that got me so down back then - that's on both of us. I've already cited the issues we were having, and I could feel that big heavy "D" word floating unspoken between us. Any time I tried to talk to him about things we'd end up not so much fighting (we never really do that) but having a big disagreement which usually ended in my blatting my eyes out and making my face all red and puffy. I'm a highly emotional person, and he really isn't. He just doesn't understand when people get emotional over certain things, and he has a lack of compassion for most other people. I'm not trying to sound like I'm bashing on him, I'm just stating the facts of how he's built emotionally. How he was raised plays a big part in that. His extended family are all estranged, they've all somehow or another screwed over his parents. His father had to read about his own mother's death in the obituaries because his sisters never bothered to call him and tell him. Hence their standpoint of "no matter who they are everyone will f*ck you". It's really an unhealthy way of looking at the world, and I've been working with him to break him of at least some of this thinking.

Just some history in general: When we first got married we were both just kids. I was 18 and he was 20, and I moved far away from my family to be with him when he was stationed on post in the military. That was the hardest thing I've ever done, move so far away from my family for him. My family is HUGE and very tight-knit. I have 9 aunts and uncles on my father's side (by blood, not counting their spouses), and 5 on my mom's side. Some of them have passed, most of them are married, and most of them have kids. I have countless cousins, second-cousins etc. He could never understand that my decision whether to stay close to them or move out with him was so hard for me since it was so easy for him. His view was that family sucked so why bother. He didn't realize that my agonizing over it was a compliment to him, I held him in as high esteem as my family. I thought it was a complement, he took it as an insult. It took many many many years for him to realize my family aren't terrible and to accept that I'm a family-oriented person.

His view toward extended family was only just slightly better than his view on friends. He thought it was pointless to have friends because they'd also screw you over. He was the big kid in school who got picked on for being fat, so he never really had any friends until recently. He has no clue what it is to have a life-long friend, and that breaks my heart. This one particular girl I used to consider my best friend and her fiance didn't help matters any either. They were BFFs with us and kept hinting that they wanted to get an apartment with us. My husband and I both knew we wanted a place of our own and not to share it, we needed a space that was friend-and-family-free that was just ours. So we declined. They turned on us and started to withdraw, started blaming us for their issues and so on. The real kicker for me was when my grandmother passed away and she wasn't there for me and essentially told me to f*ck off. Losing them was kind of my husband's way of saying "see, friends are pointless" and to never try again. When my other friend (the one I carpool with) helped me get that job years ago and started inviting us to fight nights and gatherings it was like pulling teeth to get him to go. I think most here would agree that withdrawing from the world and being just 2 people floating around a vast sea with no anchor or destination in sight is not a healthy way to maintain a relationship. Maybe it was wrong of me to force people on him at first, but something had to break him out of his shell and I couldn't do it by myself. Eventually he did, he's realized that there are people out there who will f*ck you over, and there are people you can depend on. These friends, the ones I've spoken of before in this thread, were there for my husband in a way he never expected, especially when we separated. They're really more like family than just friends, and I hope that one day if we have kids our kids will call them aunt and uncle. Coming from me, that's a huge compliment. Some would say that your spouse should come above all else, then your family, then your friends, in that strict order. I say that if you raise yourself up to the level of family in my eyes, all is good. Now obviously if some member of my family were to give me an ultimatum and say "get rid of your husband or us" I'd choose him. Anyone who does something like that doesn't deserve the title of 'family'. But to me, my husband is family, so are my parents, his parents, my grandparents aunts uncles cousins second-cousins, and certain very close friends. We're all family, and that's the highest compliment one can receive.

As far as this mini-freak-out goes that started this whole post - I've realized it was just silly. Thinking back on all the past conversations I've had with my husband about this friend of ours, I shouldn't have even gone there with it. He very well may be the first actually good friend my husband has had, and that's what that long-winded history was intended to show. I've had good friends, friends that have come and gone and come again, and friends that turned out not to be friends. My husband (until now) has only had non-friends. But the closeness they've been able to develop speaks volumes for how far he's come from the days of "everyone will f*ck you". When I first started carpooling with this guy my husband suggested that I get a gym membership and go with him after work. That should have told me right there that he trusts him and I enough to spend time together alone. Not that we've done so, nobody ever feels like working out after 8 hours of work and 2 hours of driving, but hubby trusts us enough to have made that suggestion. And that feels good. I should have thought of that first before freaking out. As I've stated in another post that's one of my major flaws: getting a negative thought in my head and not being able to let it go. I'm working on that. This has helped. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I can see the light.

So thanks again to those who have contributed. Even those who highlighted the different fears and scenarios my husband might be thinking of. Reading them helped me realize how silly they were.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

BrightEyes86

I commented earlier on your thread and then read where you blamed part of your cheating on your husband. It was at that point I didn't make any other comments. To me it was pointless and brought back painful memories. I'm not saying my memories are your fault, but my WW on the first night she began to confess, blamed the affair on the marriage being broken. You stating your affair was partially the fault of your husband is ludicrous. I am happy to see you are now preparing yourself to own your affair. Best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BrightEyes86 (Nov 1, 2014)

drifting on said:


> BrightEyes86
> 
> I commented earlier on your thread and then read where you blamed part of your cheating on your husband. It was at that point I didn't make any other comments. To me it was pointless and brought back painful memories. I'm not saying my memories are your fault, but my WW on the first night she began to confess, blamed the affair on the marriage being broken. You stating your affair was partially the fault of your husband is ludicrous. I am happy to see you are now preparing yourself to own your affair. Best of luck to you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you  I do realize that some of what I've written on here must be hurtful to so many people, and for that I am deeply sorry. It wasn't his fault I had a ONS, but it was both of our fault that a void was growing between us. We just reacted differently.

I'm so thankful for him every day, though I might not always show it. Coming here has helped me think of some ways I can do little things to show my appreciation for him.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

BrightEyes86 said:


> *So thanks again to those who have contributed. Even those who highlighted the different fears and scenarios my husband might be thinking of. Reading them helped me realize how silly they were.*



Lady,

Reading this made me feel a little embarrassed for highlighting the fears I thought he (your husband) might have – for considering him to be as insecure a man as I am.

*And I am stating that here against the advice of my own ego.*



That said, I would still classify that (2-hour ride everyday alone with another man) as an avoidable recipe for jealousy and suspicion. You must also weigh in *a future situation that demands quid pro quo trust from you,* which you might find hard to extend under similar circumstances.

Best of luck.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

nuclearnightmare said:


> as long as your wife finds you unique that's what's important!




Thank you for your kind words, *though I feel even Superman will cease to be unique to his spouse, past the honeymoon stage.*


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Brighteyes:
Coming to this thread a bit late…seems like I may have missed out on all the good hatin’ damn! 

You seem like a very forthcoming, open person. I think that is a trait that will serve you well, and has already, in maintaining your marriage long term. As you just acknowledged your ONS was indeed “all on you.” Even if your husband is on the wrong page on that it’s important that you stay on the right one! Philosophy aside, a ‘no one to blame but me’ attitude will dissuade you from cheating again, much more than one of shared responsibility. 
I have some questions if you’re still around to offer up –

	The long-time friend you commute with, is he attractive? Are you attracted to him? 
	Did you have other sexual partners - besides your now H - before you got married? Did your husband? 
	Over the past 10 years of marriage have you and your husband had ongoing discussions on having children? Do you two have different ideas, beliefs or perspectives regarding that? If so has this been one of the stress-producing issues in your M?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BrightEyes86 said:


> Thank you  I do realize that some of what I've written on here must be hurtful to so many people, and for that I am deeply sorry. It wasn't his fault I had a ONS, but it was both of our fault that a void was growing between us. We just reacted differently.
> 
> I'm so thankful for him every day, though I might not always show it. Coming here has helped me think of some ways I can do little things to show my appreciation for him.


Very cool! Sounds pretty classy to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

BrightEyes86 said:


> Thank you  I do realize that some of what I've written on here must be hurtful to so many people, and for that I am deeply sorry. It wasn't his fault I had a ONS, but it was both of our fault that a void was growing between us. We just reacted differently.
> 
> I'm so thankful for him every day, though I might not always show it. Coming here has helped me think of some ways I can do little things to show my appreciation for him.


Blowjobs....

Lots of blowjobs.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

BrightEyes86 said:


> Thank you  I do realize that some of what I've written on here must be hurtful to so many people, and for that I am deeply sorry. It wasn't his fault I had a ONS, but it was both of our fault that a void was growing between us. We just reacted differently.


But earlier you mentioned the betrayed spouse pushing the wayward spouse into the arms of someone else.

So it wasn't your H's fault, but the rest of us pushed our waywards to it?


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> she also asked B1 to get out of the house. and he DID.
> 
> I know that our story is long, twisted, and complicated, so I don't expect others to remember all of the details, but I did want to correct this one inaccuracy in your statement. Neither B1 or I ever moved out of the house. Not before, during, or after my A. About a year before my A began, before I had even thought about having an A, I did ask B1 to move out of the house, but he refused.
> 
> ...


That's an understatement! LOL 

This thread is coming along nicely and I think, for the most part, that you guys have come together and have given the OP some very sound advice. I'm taking a "semi-extended, possibly permanent" (That was very conclusive, wasn't it? ) leave from TAM, so I'm not going to jump in now. The only thing I do want to say is this: My marriage was as hopeless as hopeless can be. I won't even elaborate because I wouldn't know where to begin or where to end. But, I am here to tell you, there is hope. Reconciliation is possible. Not just the staying married for "whatever" reason kind of reconciliation. Real, true, genuine, sincere, healthy, loving, and happier than ever reconciliation. I know this to be true, because B1 and I, (and our whole family,) are living it. 

Good luck, OP. Spend the rest of your life loving your husband and basking in his love for you. Always remain cognizant of your past, but don't wallow in it. Use it only as a springboard, a reminder, to rise above it and to be the best wife and individual you can be from this day forward. 

Happiness and light truly are possible, even in the shadow of what was once only heartbreak and darkness.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

To the latecomers, fortunately i think BrightEyes86 took the advice to "get the he11 out of TAM" now that they have resolved their issue. Mark her up as a success story.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

EI said:


> That's an understatement! LOL
> 
> This thread is coming along nicely and I think, for the most part, that you guys have come together and have given the OP some very sound advice. I'm taking a "semi-extended, possibly permanent" (That was very conclusive, wasn't it? ) leave from TAM, so I'm not going to jump in now. The only thing I do want to say is this: My marriage was as hopeless as hopeless can be. I won't even elaborate because I wouldn't know where to begin or where to end. But, I am here to tell you, there is hope. Reconciliation is possible. Not just the staying married for "whatever" reason kind of reconciliation. Real, true, genuine, sincere, healthy, loving, and happier than ever reconciliation. I know this to be true, because B1 and I, (and our whole family,) are living it.
> 
> ...


Live long and prosper. Smiles.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DayOne said:


> To the latecomers, fortunately i think BrightEyes86 took the advice to "get the he11 out of TAM" now t


Don't give advice you won't follow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Don't give advice you won't follow.


And come that joyous day, you won't see me for dust! :rofl:


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

drifting on said:


> ... but my WW on the first night she began to confess, blamed the affair on the marriage being *broken.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Broken... Talk about taking you back.

Yep, heard the same words. A convenient Generalization. When pressed for specifics... All these "Life Changing" reasons for having an affair were more folly than substance. Lie to yourself long enough and You will magically become to believe anything. 

Again... Nothing more than Cheater Script.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

RWB said:


> Broken... Talk about taking you back.
> 
> Yep, heard the same words. A convenient Generalization. When pressed for specifics... All these "Life Changing" reasons for having an affair were more folly than substance. Lie to yourself long enough and You will magically become to believe anything.
> 
> Again... Nothing more than Cheater Script.


OK, now let's see....

Someone is holding a plate. They hurl it on the floor, it smashes. "Oh, it's broken."

Who, actually, broke it?:scratchhead:


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

DayOne said:


> To the latecomers, fortunately i think BrightEyes86 took the advice to "get the he11 out of TAM" now that they have resolved their issue. Mark her up as a success story.


Only time will tell, and also depends on if she ends up adopting the thinking she has expressed in this thread.
If any of the following enter her mind, then don't expect long term success as long as her husband doesn't put up with it



> But understand that if a person has no reason to doubt their relationship, they won't be driven to this point. Obviously the answer is to address it before one is driven this far, but the adulterer always feels driven.





> There are plenty of instances where a spouse is driven into another's arms because of a lack of understanding/ sex/ general disconnection. And who is to blame for that lack of understanding?


Any man worth his salt will not let a SO get away with that kind of mindset, excuses, and blameshifting.

So if she doesn't really believe now what she said earlier in the thread, they should have success.

If she reverts back to this way of thinking, don't bet on it unless her H is a lapdog.


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