# Im a crappy wife



## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

And I know it. I'm stuck in the past. I'm insecure, I struggle with self worth, I live in fear that people are going to hurt me. I've been with my now hubby for just a few years and he's tired of me feeling like im not enough. Right now he's not speaking to me and that makes my heart struggle evencmore. Everyone before him treated me that way but he NEVER has. So when I start to feel down, how can I successfully lift myself up without running to him for reassurance? I know it has to be exhausting but sometimes I just long for a positive...even if I just had one the day before. I'm not saying every day or even every week but I need this to become a never. This guy is by far the greatest man in the world and the feelings I have run deep within me, they have nothing to do with him. Any suggestions to make me a stronger person?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Have you ever had counselling? How do your thoughts go? Are you always thinking negative thoughts about yourself? Criticising yourself? Beating yourself down?If so there are techniques that you can be taught to help change your ways of thinking. Our thoughts about ourselves can be so damaging.

For me it was largely my faith that helped my low self esteem. The love God has for us as individuals makes a big difference.


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## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

No, not constantly anymore. I used to. Now just when I'm feeling down and I'm met with a trigger. (Or sometimes the trigger can cause a down). I can sail along just fine and feel ok, my self talk can be positive. And then..bam. I trip and fall and struggle to get back up.


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## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

Jimmysgirl said:


> No, not constantly anymore. I used to. Now just when I'm feeling down and I'm met with a trigger. (Or sometimes the trigger can cause a down). I can sail along just fine and feel ok, my self talk can be positive. And then..bam. I trip and fall and struggle to get back up.


I agree counseling? A healthy faith can help. Reading? Right now I am reading the 5 languages of love. It's about positive ways and understanding how to communicate with spouse/so in a relationship after the honeymoon period ends.
Gratitude journal?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Jimmysgirl said:


> No, not constantly anymore. I used to. Now just when I'm feeling down and I'm met with a trigger. (Or sometimes the trigger can cause a down). I can sail along just fine and feel ok, my self talk can be positive. And then..bam. I trip and fall and struggle to get back up.


It's ok to fall and struggle to get back up. Have you had any sort of therapy?


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Aside from the counseling people have mentioned, here are some things men universally like and things that make us go...i have a great wife.


be sweet and kind and positive
lots of sex
cook good meals every now and then
be our cheerleader


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Why is he not speaking to you?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You may be suffering from chronic depression.

It is a real malady and can be treated. 

That said, no treatment is without secondary side effects.

Good luck!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Try keeping a journal and I agree with the counseling idea, too. It's okay to lean on your husband for support, but what you seem to need goes deeper than what he (or any spouse) can be expected to provide. I'd seek counseling for yourself, and keep a journal of your good and bad days, because you'll start to see a pattern and hopefully that will help you to work through it. Hope that you find peace, soon.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

I also agree with the counselling idea. In addition to talking to a professional about it all, you would learn how to effectively cope with the issues. I speak from experience:

I went to therapy many years ago (after my abusive marriage ended). I experienced horrific things in that marriage. Therapy helped me a lot with stuff like thoughts that I was worthless, my fear of getting hurt like that again...etc., and it helped me find peace and helped make me a stronger woman.

I don't know your financial situation, but if money is an issue, there are therapists who will work on a sliding scale--meaning fees are adjusted depending on an individual's income.

If you don't know where to start, you can ask your family doctor who should be able to help you find professional help in your area.

I wish you all the best.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

As already mentioned, you should get into or back into therapy. It would be a very useful tool for you.

If you need verbal reassurance from your husband, ask him if he would be able to write a letter doing that. Then you can go back and look at it whenever you want. Or, you can record the audio of your next conversation (whether he knows about it or not doesn't really matter) and listen to that when you need to. You could also ask him to record himself reading the letter, if he does it. It's a one time thing on his end but something that you can use when you need it. 

If he doesn't want to do that (and given that he's not talking to you it may be the case), then you can try doing it for yourself. Write down the facts of him and your marriage, not the feelings or intrusive thoughts. Write down the facts about you as well. I doubt you are as ****ty of a wife as you think. Everyone has good and bad qualities. Everyone has things they can improve. Everyone has issues in one way or another. 

When you feel like this, learn to reality check. You are feeling a certain way (such as that he's going to hurt you), but is there any proof of that in your marriage? You said no. Write things like that down as well. It can be the feeling or intrusive thought, followed by the reality. When you need to, take lots of slow, deep breaths and read through it. Go for a walk and read it in a park or listen to the audio if he does that. 

Another thing that you should definitely try is mindfulness. It's not a quick fix, it does take a lot of practice and trial and error, but it can really help. It won't make the thoughts go away and never return, that's not the point. The goal is to basically get you to a point that you can recognize the intrusive thoughts or anxiety and not allow them to control your life or ruin a situation/moment. They have less of a hold on you.

Say you are sitting on the couch watching a show and BAM, the thoughts hit and won't go away. Mindfulness, with enough practice, would let you note that you are having intrusive thoughts, recognize them for what they are, and continue on watching the show without them causing issues. The more practice you have the sooner the thoughts go away or the less hold they have on you. 

There are tons of free mindfulness resources online. There are also apps like Calm that can help as well.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Do you have friends and interests outside your relationship, or is your husband your main source of validation (and everything else)? It sounds like you might be sitting around overthinking things, as well as putting a lot of pressure on him.

Stop beating yourself up. Stop saying you're a crappy wife and don't be one. Get busy living your life. You also have to let your husband live his.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I have some questions.

How long has he stopped talking to you?

Everyone needs some emotional support sometime. Seems like you haven't really changed since you got married. While personal growth is good. Recognizing your own value is good. Is that really what this is about? How does your husband treat you?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Jimmysgirl said:


> And I know it. I'm stuck in the past. I'm insecure, I struggle with self worth, I live in fear that people are going to hurt me. I've been with my now hubby for just a few years and he's tired of me feeling like im not enough. Right now he's not speaking to me and that makes my heart struggle evencmore. Everyone before him treated me that way but he NEVER has. So when I start to feel down, how can I successfully lift myself up without running to him for reassurance? I know it has to be exhausting but sometimes I just long for a positive...even if I just had one the day before. I'm not saying every day or even every week but I need this to become a never. This guy is by far the greatest man in the world and the feelings I have run deep within me, they have nothing to do with him. Any suggestions to make me a stronger person?


Get yourself into counseling ASAP! You are worth far more than you feel! You are making your perception of yourself reality STOP! Repeat right now 1000 times. I am a worthwhile person!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Jimmysgirl said:


> .... I'm insecure, I struggle with self worth,
> 
> .......So when I start to feel down, how can I successfully lift myself up without running to him for reassurance? I
> 
> .....This guy is by far the greatest man in the world and the feelings I have run deep within me, they have nothing to do with him. Any suggestions to make me a stronger person?


During Covid 19 isolation and related work place disruptions a lot of people are feeling isolated and depressed, especially those whose jobs have been negatively impacts. So the first thing you need to do is figure out why you feel so down right now and understand if your H also feels down as well and has less to give to you than he did before.

Another thing you should read about is "codependence." You sound like you are now at a point of codependency with your H. That can destroy a marriage. There are ways of becoming less codependent, but they require a lot of effort on your part.

Exercise is a wonderful first step. It is a natural antidepressant and if done right can help you achieve goals that will change your self image and the way that your H views you. It can become an incredible sources of pride and confidence. For example, there are lots of Couch to 5K jogging and running plans. There are lots of weight lifting and body sculpting programs. Find something you would like that provides you with an achievable goal and through yourself into that exercise program. Plan on competing in a local charity 5 K event or look up an armature body building competition for women and plan on entering it. Even if you don't win an event, you will have a goal you are training for and that will provide you with an image of yourself to visualize while you train.

Another thing to consider is self-hypnosis or affirmations. There are weight loss and stop smoking CD/DVD's on using saying and listening to someone tell you over and over again how wonderful certain kinds of behavioral changes will be and will bring you peace and happiness. I have used these methods in the past to help make changes in my life and they can be quite effective if you put in the effort. Affirmations, allow you to change your perspective from one of fear of being hurt to one of confidence that you can take responsibility and control aspects of your life.

Take charge of your life, it is the only one you have. Look to yourself for inspiration.

Good luck.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

I want to also mention something that helped me that may or may not help you: music. Listening to uplifting songs with words that meant something to me helped me feel better when I felt sad. I also made it a point not to listen to sad songs and would change the radio station if one happened to come on.

I will share what I considered my theme song when I was on my own after the abusive marriage ended. It's a little embarrassing for me to mention that I listened to this song when I felt I needed a little encourgement because people will probably find it cheesy of me. But I share it with you to hopefully illustrate that a person can be inspired, find hope and encouragement in all sorts of ways. Below is the song. It's okay if you think I'm cheesy or laugh a little at my expense!


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## Ladyrare (Aug 30, 2021)

Meditation is perfect for you because at the end of the day, you need some quiet time to relax and be able to process your day and your thoughts. Meditation will not only improve your mental strength, but throughout the day, you will feel a lot more focused and in control of your mind and thoughts.

If you start meditating, you will stop worrying too much and not waste energy on unimportant things.


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## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> Aside from the counseling people have mentioned, here are some things men universally like and things that make us go...i have a great wife.
> 
> 
> be sweet and kind and positive
> ...


I do all of these except be positive about myself. It's like I'm preparing my heart for his exit because losing people is what I do best.


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## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> Why is he not speaking to you?


Because I've been with him for a few years and the voices from my past still play on repeat.


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## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

I love reading the "outsider" perspectives. I do very much feel like I'm trapping him in a place he doesn't deserve to be. I have a hard time opening up to people but since you're strangers I'm just going to lay out the whole story. And yes, I've been in therapy. 

So I've always been treated poorly by men. But I actually think that's irrelevant. Because when I walked away from my first husband I was fine for quite some time. I was never a jealous person, even when I was married. I can't remember ever being jealous prior to this. 
Then my mom died. I don't remember much about the months following that. But the first thing I do remember was the trigger that changed everything. 
My now hubby told me to look at pictures of his ex on Facebook. Don't remember why but I guarantee you it was completely innocent. And no big deal because she was his past and I didn't really care, you know? I'm his person now. His past never felt like a threat. (I forgot about feeling that way, I think it's good for me to share this.)
Then a picture where he commented "you're beautiful". And another with his sweet pet name for her which is tattooed on his arm. Now we caused a wound that I never saw coming. I had never been called beautiful by anyone (other than my mom), up until that point. Or so I thought, we'll get to that. It never crossed my mind, I thought my guy was just not a complimenter. Then it goes on to say about the time he sent her 2 dozen roses every day for a month. Ok, trigger, trigger, trigger. And for the first time in my life...jealousy. 
Trigger #1. You're beautiful. In my pervious marriage I was more used to hearing "I wish you looked more like her". I was happy to just be away from that. But wait a minute...this guy called other people beautiful before me. Wheels start turning and bam. It's because you're NOT beautiful. That explains why he made sure I knew he dated beautiful women right after I met him (my brain was spinning here, putting this puzzle together in my head. Granted the pieces were going in all the wrong places but the story was playing out.)
He later told me that he did in fact tell me I was beautiful right after my mom died. I do not remember this. He said I told him "don't say that, my mama always told me that". I very much believe him. It was probably more that getting such a huge compliment was frightening, i had never heard these things from a man before.. So he said it was the only time he'd ever say it and that I would never hear it again. And my brain puts more pieces to the puzzle together..he wouldn't punish me for grieving my mom, right? 
Writing this out makes it all seem so ridiculous. Wow.
Trigger #2 - flowers. I never "deserved" flowers. This one I can see clearly. I had always told people I don't like flowers, it kind of made not being "worthy" of them less painful. He would've spoiled the heck out of me but in hindsight I was too scared of the attention to accept such things. I guess my first hubby did cause wounds. Or at least he planted seeds. 
Trigger #3 - tattoos. I, again, was "the kind of girl guys don't get tattoos for". So the guy that wouldn't call me beautiful wanted the world to know that this previous lady was perfect. Ouch. 
And just like that I went from being content to being jealous. Excessively so. His fault? No. I absolutely fell apart when I said goodbye to my mom and he stuck by me through that. He's an absolutely incredible guy, the best I've ever met. He's sweet, supportive, incredibly good looking, fun, great in bed and he loves me fiercely. But now my heart longs for the stupid beautiful. Or pretty, gorgeous, whatever. I've never had it, never dreamed I could deserve it and I want to taste it. And now I compare myself to everyone. I had never done that before, not even once. This all hit me so hard I remember the date, it was 6 months to the day after I lost my mom. I know that because I woke up deeply in pain, I was fighting the hurt of missing her hard that day. And then I saw his life before me. And I became less than.. And here we are. 
I'll probably get shredded over this petty, self centered story. Maybe that's exactly what I need. But I'm gonna tell you what, it felt good to spill it all.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Jimmysgirl said:


> I love reading the "outsider" perspectives. I do very much feel like I'm trapping him in a place he doesn't deserve to be. I have a hard time opening up to people but since you're strangers I'm just going to lay out the whole story. And yes, I've been in therapy.
> 
> So I've always been treated poorly by men. But I actually think that's irrelevant. Because when I walked away from my first husband I was fine for quite some time. I was never a jealous person, even when I was married. I can't remember ever being jealous prior to this.
> Then my mom died. I don't remember much about the months following that. But the first thing I do remember was the trigger that changed everything.
> ...


You really should talk to him about this sort of thing, or even write it down in a letter and give it to him.

You need to tell him that you want to be called beautiful and why you said what you did after your mom died. You need to tell him that you actually do want flowers, and why you said what you did (you're certainly not the first woman to say that, btw).

The tattoo, that's something that people can grow out of wanting or realize they are a bad idea. After his relationship with his ex ended he may have realized how stupid it is to get a "lovers" name on your body. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you enough or that you are not tattoo worthy.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Jimmysgirl said:


> how can I successfully lift myself up without running to him for reassurance?
> Any suggestions to make me a stronger person?


You never know how strong you are until you have no choice. Don't get to that point, but remember you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. 

Everybody falls & fails. It's part of life. Nobody is perfect. Even people who look like they got it all going on have problems. 

You have little self esteem. I'm not qualified to figure out why but you have to fix that. You need to build yourself up. I am fortunate enough to have some dear friends who build me up when I'm down. They are great cheerleaders. I hope I am half as good to them. Right now under my computer monitor is sign that says "you got this!" One of my friends gave it to me when I expanded my business & was having a melt down because I was terrified that I bit off more than I could chew. Reading it throughout the day especially during stressful times when I'm fearful really helps. 

I was in therapy & that helped but it was maddening too. My therapist kept saying happiness is a choice. I wanted to strangle him because if it was that easy why the <bleep> was I paying him? But he was right. You need to do things that build you up. Exercise. Have small victories. Mine for today is I managed to clean the bathroom sink. Not the whole bathroom but the sink. Again small. They add up. Two other important ones for me were reconnecting with my Faith & joining a book club. You may have other ones. 

I agree a Gratitude Journal is a good idea. Read some self help books about building self esteem & do the exercises they suggest. Another one for you may be listing all of your good qualities. If you can't think of any ask people who love you (but not your husband right now). Pair that down to the top 10 & read it every day.


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## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

bobert said:


> You really should talk to him about this sort of thing, or even write it down in a letter and give it to him.
> 
> You need to tell him that you want to be called beautiful and why you said what you did after your mom died. You need to tell him that you actually do want flowers, and why you said what you did (you're certainly not the first woman to say that, btw).
> 
> The tattoo, that's something that people can grow out of wanting or realize they are a bad idea. After his relationship with his ex ended he may have realized how stupid it is to get a "lovers" name on your body. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you enough or that you are not tattoo worthy.


Oh I have. He's a man of his word and will not waver. Ever. I need to find the strength to hear his thoughts in the silence. Because I'll be honest. I DO crave compliments. I like them. Maybe they're not important but that changes nothing lol
If I say don't he won't. If he says never he means never. I've made the bed, granted the bed was made in a time of brokenness and I have to forgive myself for that. I cannot remake it. But I do have to find a comfortable spot to lie down.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ok so you may need to work on your own self esteem. 

But if the you're beautiful comments were after you two got together that isn't really ok.

I'm I missing the time line?


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## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

bobert said:


> The tattoo, that's something that people can grow out of wanting or realize they are a bad idea. After his relationship with his ex ended he may have realized how stupid it is to get a "lovers" name on your body. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you enough or that you are not tattoo worthy.


The tattoo itself doesn't bother me. Hell, he has a portrait of his ex wife taking up a fair amount of body space and she's way sexier than I'll ever be lol. It's simply that if you're going to look me in the eye and say "I will never say you're beautiful" I'd rather not have the constant reminder that...well I guess to be honest...that she was in a place in her life to not fear being told she's special. Dang, I thought it hurt because I didn't "deserve" it but no, I think it hurts because in a moment of not being ok I determined a lifetime. Well crap.


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## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> Ok so you may need to work on your own self esteem.
> 
> But if the you're beautiful comments were after you two got together that isn't really ok.
> 
> I'm I missing the time line?


I no doubt have to work on my self esteem! But no, no, not after we were together. He will never give another woman a compliment equal to or greater than that which he would give me.


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## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

So it's all silly and I see that now that I've written it out and read and reread it. So what. Beautiful is just a word. I know I'll long to hear it sometimes but whatever. This is not who I am at the core. I never dated this guy, we went from best friends to engaged in the blink of an eye. And why? Well, I've pondered that. And the answer that I think is a truth is that it was never about me. I've always been concerned with him and not myself. We worked together to get him out of debt. I fixed his feet when he said they would always hurt. I learned to cook for him. God did not put me on this planet to take advantage of him.. We have been best friends from the moment we met. And him to me...he has always planned to go places or done things simply to make me smile. He thinks of me when he's far away. He had keto brownies sent to me from 2000 miles away when I was dieting and he was out of state. He doesn't put me down. He's loving and protective and supportive and yeah, he hates that this stuff is an issue for me. And why wouldn't he? I love him. Immensely. I would choose a million years of no beautifuls with him over all the beautifuls in the world from anyone else. And I know he'll always show me in a million other ways that I am beautiful and special to him. I'm hung up on silly stuff. I am going to be me again. Feelings may creep up but I'm gonna swallow those suckers and from now on I'm going to listen carefully for what he IS saying. Yes, I'm talking a lot.


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## Housecat (Nov 27, 2021)

It may very well be that your H was a bit hurt by your rejection of his expression of love and affection. I get that you were in a place of grief and pain, and I'm sure he does too. It can still sting pretty acutely. Or he feels that if he follows your word to the letter, the problem is solved. A good portion of men are very much inclined to be problem solvers. 

Many women, myself included, are guilty of rejecting our spouses without even realizing it. Rejection is a huge shut down/turn off for men, (women too of course, nobody wants to feel rejected) especially since society seems to think it is all up to the man to risk the rejection in the first place. It builds up fast, and becomes harder to fix. 

If it isn't communicated in a way both can understand, both end up feeling rejected. I feel that maybe if you show him what you wrote here, it may open up that channel. You both may end up happier for it. You may get your affirmations that you want/need from him, and he can be confident they will be received in a positive light. Sure, you can live without it, but you can get it too. 

I could be off base, but it felt like it was worth mentioning. I wish you both the best for your happiness.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

so_sweet said:


> I want to also mention something that helped me that may or may not help you: music. Listening to uplifting songs with words that meant something to me helped me feel better when I felt sad. I also made it a point not to listen to sad songs and would change the radio station if one happened to come on.
> 
> I will share what I considered my theme song when I was on my own after the abusive marriage ended. It's a little embarrassing for me to mention that I listened to this song when I felt I needed a little encourgement because people will probably find it cheesy of me. But I share it with you to hopefully illustrate that a person can be inspired, find hope and encouragement in all sorts of ways. Below is the song. It's okay if you think I'm cheesy or laugh a little at my expense!


Why on earth would you feel embarrassed about that? That's something that's comforting to you x

When I can't sleep because I've had a bad day or am feeling down, I put on my headphones and play The Golden Girls on STAN. I have the volume down low and fall asleep listening to episodes, I find it comforting.

There, now we're even haha.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

frusdil said:


> Why on earth would you feel embarrassed about that? That's something that's comforting to you x
> 
> When I can't sleep because I've had a bad day or am feeling down, I put on my headphones and play The Golden Girls on STAN. I have the volume down low and fall asleep listening to episodes, I find it comforting.
> 
> There, now we're even haha.


Thanks so much!
The Golden Girls! A great show for sure! I've never thought to listen to shows like how you do. I'll have to look into that for myself.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Jimmysgirl said:


> No, not constantly anymore. I used to. Now just when I'm feeling down and I'm met with a trigger. (Or sometimes the trigger can cause a down). I can sail along just fine and feel ok, my self talk can be positive. And then..bam. I trip and fall and struggle to get back up.


Make a commitment to work with a trauma counselor every week for a year. Do all the suggestions they give you. All of them.


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## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

Housecat said:


> It may very well be that your H was a bit hurt by your rejection of his expression of love and affection. I get that you were in a place of grief and pain, and I'm sure he does too. It can still sting pretty acutely. Or he feels that if he follows your word to the letter, the problem is solved. A good portion of men are very much inclined to be problem solvers.
> 
> Many women, myself included, are guilty of rejecting our spouses without even realizing it. Rejection is a huge shut down/turn off for men, (women too of course, nobody wants to feel rejected) especially since society seems to think it is all up to the man to risk the rejection in the first place. It builds up fast, and becomes harder to fix.
> 
> If it isn't communicated in a way both can understand, both end up feeling rejected. I feel that maybe if you show him what you wrote here, it may open up that channel. You both may end up happier for it. You may get your affirmations that you want/need from him, and he can be confident they will be received in a positive light. Sure, you can live without it, but you can get it too.


I'm quite sure he was hurt. I was not an easy girl to live with, especially that first year I was hurting. I'm sure he wanted to make me smile (never thought of that, writing just brings it all out). I did tell him I wrote this all out and that it would make me happy if he were to read it. He didn't respond and I am not pushing the issue. I truly just have to let it go. I cannot get it, that bridge is burned and I do have to shift my focus to the good things. I can live without it. I have no choice. I choose our marriage over getting my way.


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## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> Make a commitment to work with a trauma counselor every week for a year. Do all the suggestions they give you. All of them.


I'm curious why you suggest a trauma counselor? I'm not quite sure what they do.


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## Carolyn E Melton (9 mo ago)

Hey,
I understand that you want to be emotionally strong without anyone's support, but also is still expecting your husband's support. I faced a similar situation with one of my friends. She and her husband had some communication gaps, which disturbed her so much that she even considered divorce. But one of our familiar friends recommended that she consult a couple's therapist. She convinced her husband and sought the advice of a therapist. He inspired both of them and helped them break their communication gap, which also helped to increase their confidence and self-respect in both of them. Now she is happy with her family life and her self-esteem. Don't think of yourself as a flawed wife or person anymore! A couple's therapy may help you and your husband too.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Because you seem to need support with self esteem and hopefully their expert skills can make forward movement with you at a fast pace.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Jimmysgirl said:


> Oh I have. He's a man of his word and will not waver. Ever. I need to find the strength to hear his thoughts in the silence. Because I'll be honest. I DO crave compliments. I like them. Maybe they're not important but that changes nothing lol
> If I say don't he won't. If he says never he means never. I've made the bed, granted the bed was made in a time of brokenness and I have to forgive myself for that. I cannot remake it. But I do have to find a comfortable spot to lie down.


That's not how it should be. If you need something from your husband, he should want to do that for you. Compliments are a very simple thing and he absolutely should not have written them off forever due to one comment made when your mother died. 

If he knows you need and want to hear these things and he's flat out refusing and will never waiver, he's not as perfect as you seem to think.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

bobert said:


> That's not how it should be. If you need something from your husband, he should want to do that for you. Compliments are a very simple thing and he absolutely should not have written them off forever due to one comment made when your mother died.
> 
> If he knows you need and want to hear these things and he's flat out refusing and will never waiver, he's not as perfect as you seem to think.


OP, your husband needs to understand the rather tragic context of your past request "don't call me beautiful" and reconsider his vow to never tell you again. 

He's acting less like a hu-man of his word, and more like a light switch or a fuse in this case. 

We are all humans, we make mistakes, we grow, we change, we have needs that evolve. - - - - A relationship that's static is dead. - - - 

You have a living breathing, changing relationship with your H. Make him understand you didn't mean what you said while you were grieving, and his mechanical response with all its finality should now be revisited - not just for your sake, but the sake of your relationship. 

He does not want to be around A constantly distressed wife, I get it, but he has to realize that HE has the power to change that in 5 seconds.

Talk to him, or request that he read this thread with you.


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## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> Because you seem to need support with self esteem and hopefully their expert skills can make forward movement with you at a fast pace.


I will look into this.


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## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

bobert said:


> That's not how it should be. If you need something from your husband, he should want to do that for you. Compliments are a very simple thing and he absolutely should not have written them off forever due to one comment made when your mother died.
> 
> If he knows you need and want to hear these things and he's flat out refusing and will never waiver, he's not as perfect as you seem to think.


None of us are perfect. And I can't change anyone else, only myself. I have to be strong enough to let this one go and choose to be happy. We don't always get what we want, that's just life.


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## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

Quad73 said:


> You have a living breathing, changing relationship with your H. Make him understand you didn't mean what you said while you were grieving, and his mechanical response with all its finality should now be revisited - not just for your sake, but the sake of your relationship.
> 
> He does not want to be around A constantly distressed wife, I get it, but he has to realize that HE has the power to change that in 5 seconds.
> 
> Talk to him, or request that he read this thread with you.


I can't "make" anyone understand anything. I told him I'd like him to read what I wrote, he didn't respond, I have to respect that. He does NOT want to be around a distressed wife, he actually COULD have changed that in 5 seconds the moment these feelings invaded my heart, or anytime after, that is completely true. One spontaneous, unexpected beautiful would have healed the hurt. But this is about what _I_ can do. And I can choose to move past it. I want to be married, I want to be happy, I want him to be happy. This is the only part of my life that hurts, I'd say I'm pretty lucky.


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