# Husband has a double life



## nathaliaaliese

My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We met in church. He sang and played guitar on the worship team. The church we went to studied Hebrew roots. We do Torah studies together and meet on Shabbat with other families. We learn Hebrew together and love to discuss the Word of God. But one thing that I did not know when we got married is that he has an addiction problem. To crack cocaine. As far as I know, he didn't use on a daily basis but would be overcome by the desire to do drugs about every six months, then became every 2 months. We fought and fought over this. I told the pastor. The pastor didn't really help. I have separated. I have moved all my stuff into a separate bedroom. We have a child together so it makes it very hard. I have been to Al-anon meetings. He won't seek help. But once he has fill, then wants to get all back into the Word and act like nothing has even happened. It really makes me sick. He drinks, he smokes, and now his drug of choice is meth. He watches porn and found that he has signed up to chat and meet other women. I couldn't say if he has ever met anyone. It appears that right before, he commits anything, I happen to find out immediately. I don't snoop and I am not constantly worried about infidelity. I just don't have time to worry with things like that. He won't go to counseling. 

So what I have done for the first time, is that I told his sister of his struggles and I also told one of our friends that we will not be hosting a Sukkot party at our house because of our marital problems. He is very very very angry with me, because I let people outside of our marriage know that we are struggling. I told him that I will not engage in Yom Kippur service with him because he took off and did meth 4 days ago. Feel like his behavior is very hypocritical.

I feel like I live with 2 different personalities. It is so confusing. But it is so far apart. I am a yo yo in emotions and I am afraid I cannot ride this ride any longer.


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## OhGeesh

Rehab and detox!! Best of luck


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## Decorum

Does this church tend toward the militant side racially?

If so then the justifications for drug use are still in place and may in fact make it hard for him to break away.

He may have to go NC with this church and find one that will be an influence that confronts the root of his issues.

In other words he needs to get out of the culture that spawned his drug use. Its a constant reminder of his addiction.

And then yes, rehab and detox!! 

I wish you well,
Take care!


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## Unique Username

Speak to your Rabbi about it. Are there programs within your Temple that could help with his addiction?

Of course he was mad you shared his addiction with others, that means he can't hide it from those people any more. 

Crack cocaine and Crystal Meth are not the same thing.
If he is dabbling with Crystal Meth - his brain has been alterred....it changes how one's brain works. Crystal Meth users become HEAVILY addicted quickly, they can become increasingly violent and will also quickly result to stealing to fuel their habit.

Personally, I would make him move back in with his parents and seek detox and rehab before I would let him back in your home. (I'm guessing you have children)

@Decorum As for the "Church" it would be a Temple as She is of the Jewish Faith/ethnicity....or at least that's what SOME of what she mentioned refers to. Now after re-readiing I'm not sure.


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## Unique Username

I'm confused tho - why would you call a Rabbi a Pastor?


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## Unique Username

Good Luck.


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## Maricha75

Unique Username said:


> Speak to your Rabbi about it. Are there programs within your Temple that could help with his addiction?
> 
> Of course he was mad you shared his addiction with others, that means he can't hide it from those people any more.
> 
> Crack cocaine and Crystal Meth are not the same thing.
> If he is dabbling with Crystal Meth - his brain has been alterred....it changes how one's brain works. Crystal Meth users become HEAVILY addicted quickly, they can become increasingly violent and will also quickly result to stealing to fuel their habit.
> 
> Personally, I would make him move back in with his parents and seek detox and rehab before I would let him back in your home. (I'm guessing you have children)
> 
> @Decorum As for the "Church" it would be a Temple as She is of the Jewish Faith/ethnicity....or at least that's what SOME of what she mentioned refers to. Now after re-readiing I'm not sure.





Unique Username said:


> I'm confused tho - why would you call a Rabbi a Pastor?


UU, she said they met at church and the church is, essentially, getting back to Hebrew roots... i.e. studying Torah, celebrating the Holy Days, etc. There are SOME Christian churches, and even people within other churches, which do this sort of thing. Meeting on Shabbat, or Sabbath as some refer to it, isn't limited to just the Jewish faith. There are Christian denominations which do this... including the Seventh Day Adventist Church and the Seventh Day Baptist. But, no, OP didn't say SHE, or even her HUSBAND, is Jewish... just that they study the Hebrew roots.


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## Decorum

I will tell you why I asked about the church, but I hesitate to mention it because I do not want to be misunderstood.

I was an assistant coach for my sons (JrH and HS) basketball teams. The coach was a former college player who also played in Europe.

He was a Christian man and I deeply respected him. We were fiends with his family and his other kids. I am telling you this man was amazing and truly strong in his faith.

They were a black family, he somehow got into a black Israelite group that believes that they are the true Jews (and the current Jews were unwitting frauds) and he did all the Hebrew and torah studies as well.

To shorten the story he divorced his wife because she would not convert to this sect and basically abandoned his children by moving out of state.

The last time I saw him there was a darkness about him that cut me to the core.

The whole thing rattled me (maybe I am triggering here IDK) but he had a beautiful family, anybody would love to have the teenagers he did, way above average human beings.

Well the movement is racially militant and tends to draw from a group where drug use was common.

Ok I said it, its just my observation, yes I could be wrong, but it sounds eerily similar, and I think to recover well a person might have to separate from a group that is based on hate and has a victim mentality.

I have been getting beat up here a bit lately so please be kind.


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## EleGirl

There cannot be a martial recovery until he has completely stopped all meth/crack/illegal drug use for many months if not two years.

You have your children around his drug use and other bad behaviors. Seriously consider separating from him until he is clean for a long time. Whether or not your religious beliefs allow for divorce is your personal issue. But seriously, you cannot stay with him while he's like this.


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## 3Xnocharm

He has no double life, he is an addict. If he refuses to get help to recover, then you can only look forward to things getting worse in the future. Personally, I would not stay married to an addict.


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## rainwife

I like the idea of making him move back in with his parents, or even you moving in with them. That way they can see the issue for themselves and see how much he visits, helps or whatever.


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