# Dating Sites



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

OK, I have to ask. Maybe I am the only one concerned about this and it may be really stupid!

Has anyone on here been afraid to post their photo on a dating site like pof, or *******, or match.com? I know that a photo is crucial on these sites but has anyone thought about, or even cared, if a friend, coworker, family member saw that out there? I am sort of concerned about that. Also, the thought has crossed my mind that my stbxw will see it and get really p**ssed. I don't know why she should care what my private business is now but since I am not "officially" divorced, I don't want to rock the boat even more than it already is between us. I just want to cut her loose and move on.

Am I too worried about this where I should not be? I dunno! Although I feel the need to go out on a date and get away from the doledrums and darkness of limbo, I feel like I am still trapped. I would like to go out to a movie, coffee, whatever it takes to get some sort of life back. It's been almost 6 months with no real connection to anyone and 7 weeks since the DOS (day of separation). Any opinions and all opinions are welcomed. I am ready to find some sort of encouragement and ego stroking - I've been feeling too much like a loser since all this and quite frankly, I am tired of feeling that way. I know I have many good things to offer. Thanks.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Its up to you, I wouldn't worry too much about people you know seeing your photo, knowing that you are putting yourself out there, you have no secrets to hide right? I put mine up, even though I'm not looking for anything romantic or intimate I just stated so in my profile - I noticed my wife's friend on there and I'm sure by now my wife knows, but she hasn't brought it up at all - (if she does I'll call her on the faceless profile I figured out she put up seeking casual encounters). It may, however, help fuel her resolve that her adultery was justified, but I don't really care at this point I'm not planning to reconcile so why should I hold myself back.

On the other hand I've been a little disappointed in the response, I've even messaged a few women who matched my profile but chose not to respond, is that rude or is it just me? (I don't think I come across as a creep at all). Maybe all those women are just still in the habit of going for the insincere jerks who say they want committed LTR (but really just want a fling) - in which case why even join the website?

I kinda want to take my ad down because I know I'm not ready for this yet, but I also don't want to miss the chance to meet some wonderful lady that may just happen to be looking for someone like me.

No rush to get ahead of yourself though, I really just want to focus on taking care of some things in life, getting the house in order, getting into my new routine a bit, having some time to just heal a bit because I know as soon as a relationship starts I'll be pulled right along with it!


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

I have no desire to post a picture on any websites really. Especially websites announcing I’m now a single woman and opening up opportunities to the weirdo’s.

A close friend who moved out of town hounded me to create a facebook page a few years back. She came to visit for a few days and I reluctantly gave into her request. Next thing I knew, she was “tagging” pictures of me which she had already had on her fb for awhile. I hardly ever use fb and never accept friend invites just because someone is a friend of a friend. 

The users on TAM do not post many pictures of themselves, so probably why I like it here better. Men and woman respond to you because of what you have shared or what they would like to share. They give their advice without prejudice whether you are attractive or not.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

And ....... all of us on TAM are beautiful!!!!


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Lon and TW, I know this is the case with me too. What options would you suggest once your ready? Church engagements, Divorce sites? I am too old to get into the bar scene; well, we do have a local pub/sports bar that has poker tournaments every week, but is that even going to work for meeting women? Geez, as you can see, I need a serious dating makeover. What else is there besides - uhhuummm, dance classes - I know Salsa, right?  Well, I guess that would get me out of my comfort zone but do I really want to get out of my comfort zone while dating? That would just get me into more of a nervous state then feeling comfortable and I am afriad I would sound like a fool if I am not together.

Ok, send to some ideas over here for God's sake it's only been 36 years since I've openly dated. I have a lot of hobbies but quite frankly they are not conducive to meeting woman since they are all athletic type stuff and most of the places I go, people are already hitched or together.

I have thought about doing things like cooking class, painting classes, I dunno, I don't want to give the impression that I swing the other way; know what I mean :rofl: Especially since my hobbies are mostly outdoors. This doesn't mean I don't enjoy the peace and beauty that comes with art though. What about the theatre (as in plays)? Problem with those places is that most everyone is already with someone. Ah hell, why don't I just hang a sign up that says "desparate" on my forehead. If only I was 30 again!!!!!!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

It's been a long time since I've dated too (not as long as you though  ) but even when I was dating I didn't actually date anyone, and am probably the least qualified person in the world to answer your Q. For me to stay in my comfort zone while dating means to never leave the couch and actually tell someone I'm interested. So I don't have much choice about not getting out of CZ. At least now there is texting so if I should be able to fake confidence long enough to get a name/number I could actually have some sort of conversation.

Ok that's about all the advice I got, lol. Really though I think just don't try or think to hard, let good things come to you and seize the opportunity when you can - just be mindful of your surroundings and maybe it will happen.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Lon said:


> It's been a long time since I've dated too (not as long as you though  ) but even when I was dating I didn't actually date anyone, and am probably the least qualified person in the world to answer your Q. For me to stay in my comfort zone while dating means to never leave the couch and actually tell someone I'm interested. So I don't have much choice about not getting out of CZ. At least now there is texting so if I should be able to fake confidence long enough to get a name/number I could actually have some sort of conversation.
> 
> Ok that's about all the advice I got, lol. Really though I think just don't try or think to hard, let good things come to you and seize the opportunity when you can - just be mindful of your surroundings and maybe it will happen.


I know. And that does mean just getting out there out of the house; which I am not a big "house person" anyway, I tend to get claustraphobic - need fresh air. Exposure is the best way I guess. Thanks Lon. I'll figure it out eventually. Texting is a great idea too as long as, like you said, can get lucky enough to get a phone number. LOL!!! I think texting can get annoying though; that's one thing I would never abuse.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

"kinda want to take my ad down because I know I'm not ready for this yet, but I also don't want to miss the chance to meet some wonderful lady that may just happen to be looking for someone like me."

If you aren't ready, then take it down. Chances are, if you do meet a wonderful woman you won't be in the right frame of mine to appreciate the relationship for what it is anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I don't know much about dating as I have always stumbled into relationships with people I was friends with first.

I haven't put my picture up because I don't want my stbx to see it. Why I care, I am not sure. I think there's a little part of me that knows once he sees that, it's OVER. You would think the filing of divorce papers, etc would herald the end of our marriage in my mind, right?

I am not worried about weird guys or creeps or anything. Those are all over the place anyway. I have accounts on all kinds of forums and really don't care much about who sees my picture. I don't post it here for the same reason I probably don't post it on a dating site-I don't want stbx to see it. I mean if he read this forum I guarantee he would know it's me by what I say, how I write, etc but I don't want to rattle that cage.

In two weeks when the divorce is final, those pictures are GOING UP.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

brighterlight ~

Tough question regarding exposure to the whole dating scene. When you’re out running errands and one of those “by chance” meetings happens, you don’t want to come off as too aggressive by asking for her phone number. Do offer to give her your number. I have been suckered into giving out my phone number twice and both times it seemed like these guys could not wait to try and contact me as soon as they had it. The first guy was a dad on my son’s baseball team and the other was a guy from church. I am obviously going to run into them again, so it came off even creepier. 

Accept casual invitations to events or social gatherings, even if it really isn’t your thing. You would be surprised how many others are in the same boat of learning how to get themselves out there. Single women tend to be a little less guarded when introductions take place where mutual acquaintances are present. If you give your phone number and get her's in exchange, don’t be pushy about going on a date thing. Throw out a more casual and quick first get together.

Broaden your social circles by making friends with more and different people. Sign up for a fundraiser, golf tournament thingy. Every time I turn around a different group is hosting one around here. The number of women participating might be more limited to the help rather than the players, but you get the idea. You never know, the guy you’re paired up with could have a cute divorced neighbor or his wife’s best friend might be single.

Good luck!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

brighterlight,

If you don't post a photo on a dating site, you probably won't get much response. And if you don't feel comfortable enough to post a photo, that probably means you aren't ready to date anyway. I have gone on a few dates, but I honestly have had no success with the on-line sites. I hate to say this, but most men on them seem to be in midst of major mid-life crisises. The same may apply to women also. My therapist even jokingly told me to look for a widower. I basically just quit looking because I have too much baggage to even attract a quality person. My "baggage" issue isn't likely to change anytime soon, so I'll have to accept my secluded life.

I have made a couple of observations which may be helpful though. Are you into dogs or horses? When I took a dog to dog obedience classes some eight years ago, the class was full of women. The women participating with their furry friends out-number the men 8 to 2. Horse shows featuring Western pleasure and hunt seat classes are usually at least 80% women. The biggest age group is now over age 45 in that sport. Now, I've told you were the women hang out......where do the middle class men (not having a mid-life crisis) like to hang out?


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

827, thanks for. the tips! I will take them into account. You are right when you say that if I don't feel comfortable posting a photo, I'm not ready. No, I'm probably not. Too much baggage also. I would offer my phone number first if it came to that; don't know what I was thinking. Well, unfortunately, I'm not into pets. Not because I don't like them, but because they require a lot of time and care. I won't have something that I can not give my complete devotion to, and right now, I can barely take care of my feelings. Also, where I am at I don't get the oppertunity to be around horses much (very large city), although my daughter has always wanted one, still does at 22.

Anyway, the social event oppertunities i will keep my eyes open for although I will definitely have to wait until I am ready. It wouldn't be fair to the other person.

As for men hangouts, I would say the golf course is a good start. Always, guys there that are single and some are there to relax and try to find some sanity in life. Some are there for business matters and some are there just to get away from the stress of life for a while so meeting a nice woman there would make it a perfect day. Believe it or not the grocery store, movies, business conferences are really good if you can get to one; just make sure they aren't trying to just "hook up." If you belong to a church, they sometimes put on social gatherings and sometimes even singles only. Unless, your Catholic of course, like me, I don't think they put on singles events meaning to have divorcees there. LOL!

Anyway, thanks for your post; I really am grateful for your suggestions and the horse event is a great idea but I have no exposure to that here; although I am in Texas, there's a big misconception out there and a steriotypical generalization that we all have horses. Although it is true that there are many ranches and cowboys here, there are also MAJOR metropolitan areas that could take hours to drive through and you would be lucky to see even a picture of a horse. With that said, I would not mind at all living out in the country.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

brighterlight said:


> Anyway, thanks for your post; I really am grateful for your suggestions and the horse event is a great idea but I have no exposure to that here; although I am in Texas, there's a big misconception out there and a steriotypical generalization that we all have horses. Although it is true that there are many ranches and cowboys here, there are also MAJOR metropolitan areas that could take hours to drive through and you would be lucky to see even a picture of a horse. With that said, I would not mind at all living out in the country.


LOL! But, just remember some of your biggest metropolitan areas in Texas also host some of the nation's largest horse shows. 

It will have to get a whole lot cooler before I can even think about golf. Me taking golf lessons could provide men with hours of laughter. lol Do you play golf?

The church avenue didn't work out so well a couple of years ago. It actually became quite funny though. I ended up with one of the church elders hitting on me. That 80 year old man was plenty frisky! 

Since you live in a metropolitan area, you probably have a lot more opportunities to meet people. It's just a matter of figuring out where the available women hang out. Although I enjoy the rural life, it does have draw backs. I'm sure you are familiar with "The People of Wal-Mart" blog. Well, that's pretty much reality when I go into town.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

827Aug said:


> It will have to get a whole lot cooler before I can even think about golf. Me taking golf lessons could provide men with hours of laughter. lol Do you play golf?


Definitely wait until it cools down. It can be pretty comical learning the basics of golf. When it’s too dang hot though, it’s just nowhere near as funny. I started playing (if you’d call it that) golf in my early 20’s. I do well and enjoy many sports, however golfing, along with bowling, are not my strongest activities. You can find a women’s starter set for a relatively cheap price.



827Aug said:


> The church avenue didn't work out so well a couple of years ago. It actually became quite funny though. I ended up with one of the church elders hitting on me. That 80 year old man was plenty frisky!


Same with the church thing here. However this guy is around 60-ish, which puts him about 20 years older than me. It's going to make for an awkward Sunday this upcoming weekend as well.



827Aug said:


> I'm sure you are familiar with "The People of Wal-Mart" blog. Well, that's pretty much reality when I go into town.


Some of my friends who still have their family roots in Texas have mentioned that if I think the people of WalMart here are strange, I should see the Texas WalMart people. They tell me it's like comedy hour shopping at a WalMart there.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

BL, you're still in an "in house" separation, aren't you? If so, I'd be very cautious on how publically you look.

For me, I did start looking while still in my in house separation, and I don't think that was the right thing to do, in hindsight. But by that point, I already had the keys to my new place. I had reasonable positive responses from both POF and other sites, to the point that I disabled my accounts after meeting my GF and seeing her for a month or two. Too many distractions, and I had no interest in meeting someone else. She did the same, both of us made our own decisions about that and neither had to ask the other to change.

What I've found is that I'm clueless about whether a random stranger is interested in me. That was my situation pre-marriage, and apparently being married 17 years didn't fix that. So the dating sites allowed me to make that initial connection and establish that there's interest. After that, I was good to go.

Plus the fact that the dating sites let you sift for people that look interesting physically without being rude or a creep... 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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