# Falling for another man



## ScaredinFlorida (Sep 29, 2009)

Well today is my first time posting in any type of website/forum. I need some help. I have been married for 4 years, and with my husband for 9 and a half years. I have known him since I was 17 years old. He asked my marry him when I was 18. I said yes, we bought a house, and got married 4 years later, shortly after being married I found out I was pregnant with my little girl. My husband has made comments several times, about how he was pushed into marriage. He told me shortly after I revealed I was pregnant, that he was going to leave me, if I had not told him that I was pregnant. I was hurt for a long time (our daughter is not 3years old),and slowly I got over it. he has never really romanced me, loved me and made me feel special. I always want to go places and do things and he never wants to go, or travel etc. I have grown frustrated. My very dear friend, for many years has come back into my life after 5 years and is getting divorced from his wife. I find myself, wanting to just hug him and talk and he listens he is sensistive and caring and kind, always has been. I am thinking of finally leaving my husband, and going to live on my own, and possibly trying a relationship with this man. I am sooo confused. I have never been love to where I can't eat, or sleep or function, but I am with this other man, so I am not sure what to do help!!


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## elscotto (Sep 6, 2009)

As a guy that is kinda in the same place as your husband is right now I would tell you that Wonder Boy the boyfriend doesn't have to put up with your bad habits on a daily basis and vice versa. He can't live out the fantasy life you are living in your head right now because he these pesky things and encumbrances with you called bills, life, jobs, cleanin out the garage etc...Pretty tough for him to be as perfect as Wonder Boy.

With that said its pretty likely that you'll do this anyway because you are now channeling all of your emotional energy away from your marriage and therefore destroying any bond that might remain.

Have some guts to take the responsibility and risk with your decision. Go get a divorce AND then pursue the affair. If it doesn't work out and you want to work things out with hubby he may or may not have moved on.

Sorry to be harsh but as I said I am closing the chapter in a very similar book right now.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

escalatto: You are right on! There is nothing beneficial to you or you marriage to have an affair while your are still tied.

Divorce and then move on with your life.


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## alytamave (Oct 2, 2009)

Do not start an affair, it will only cloud your judgement. Try to work things out with your H before starting anything. I would end the emotional affair right now and talk to your husband. Relationships that end marriages very rarely last for very long. 
I understand that loneliness can make us long for intimacy, communication etc of any kind, it will in the end double your personal pain and suffering. Figure out what it is that you need without your "friend", let your husband know, and see if there is anything worth salvaging. 
I've been where you are for the past 7+ years, wanting to know what it felt like to be loved, cherished, take care of, and have fought temptation and instead worked on things. Not sure if it's working for me but at least I won't have the guilt ever of cheating. Please, if not for yourself, do it for your daughter ok?


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## ScaredinFlorida (Sep 29, 2009)

Thanks for all of your posts. I do believe I want to work it out with my husband, even thought I feel like he is not in love with me. My friend has gone back and before he left I realized the grass may not be so green. I would not cheat, I would indeed end the marriage just for clarification, and not cheat. I also had a recent kink in things though. We recently went with 2 other couples to a halloween event and had a situation happen. So let me run this past you and see what you think. We were in a line for a ride at the theme park, and fight broke out between some other people in the line, my husband made a rude comment and one of the other couple's wives said, he needed to stop and, I agreed with her, and told him he needed to think about the people around him and their safety and you never know who is listening, he kept saying whatever, and I said no its not whatever you need to learn to censor yourself and not be rude, and he just kep saying whatever, when the other wife in the group said you need to stop arguing and my husband said something like you need to be quiet and she in turn said stop it, my husband while in front of our friends, called me a ***** and told me to shut the f* up, and proceeded to call me a C*. Until this point, he was totally fine, this was a weekend for us to try to re-connect. He then just wanted to leave. So he was incredibly rude, and would not speak to anyone at all, he was just being difficult. I excused myself from the group and pulled him aside and talked to him, he said he did not care and just wanted to leave! I went back to the group and said I apologize for his actions and I was going to go with my husband back to the hotel. We took a cab back to our hotel he would not speak to me the whole time. We went back to the room, he began packing his stuff and he said he was leaving, when he realized he couldn't and just had to stay cause we rode in the same car etc.. He refused to speak to me and was just being difficult and I tried very hard to get him to talk with me about it. He just said he had nothing to say he wanted to leave. I was sooooo frustrated and I grabbed my stuff and had intended to punch the bed but I slightly graced his side, and he claims I punched him. I can honestly say I did not mean to connect with him, but I truly did grace his side, and in no way punched him. He then jumped up and put on his shoes and wanted to leave he was very very angry. I Grabbed him in a hugging manner and asked him not to go. He kept forcing me away and I kept hugging him, I then sat on him on the bed and he said let me up and I would like to add this man was very very very angry, he then put his hands around my neck and started to choke me, when I did not move he choked harder. I had to pull his thumbs from my adams apple to prevent him from killing me, and he then proceeded to dump things and throw things, and he wanted me to give him the car keys and I refused. I did not want him to hurt himself or anyone else, so I refused which made him even more angry. he called me a *****, a fat F* b*, a C*, a physco etcc, everything you can think of. No one has ever caled me that before. He proceeded to argue with me, and I told him I was going to sleep in the car. Which I did. The next morning I spoke with him and he apologized that the night turned out the way it did. I said well I appreciate his apology but it does not change what happened. I cried all morning and he said he wanted to get some breakfast and go do something. We ran into the couples we left downstairs and they said they were going to a certain place, once we got into the car my husband said he just wanted to get breakfast, but he then wantedd to go home becasue he did not want to be anywhere with the other couple, cause their wives were b*'s. One of which is my sister. He said if we went there and we saw them he would walk away and I needed to respect that. I said I do respect it but I would not be rude. He can not expect me to to do that to my sister. He told me that I did not respect his decision not to speak to them. I became more frustrated. I told him I had really been trying to re-kindle our relationship and that this made it more difficult. He said he did not know if he wanted to be with me anymore and he was not sure he loved me. As the day progressed he said he could not leave me and that I was a part of him. He then tried to make it up to me and take me to the outlet mall near our house on the way home. I agreed to go. I did and we had an ok time. I am having a tough time moving past this moment. I do not think it was right for him to choke me, and then justify it by saying I punched him, which I did not. I apologized profusely and explained I did not intend to hit it him and I was stunned I even connected and I was so sorry. He never apologized for choking me and says he was just trying to scare me to get me off of him. He used the excuse that I weigh more than him and he had no choice. I keep reliving this in my mind and I am having a tough time getting past this. My sister told my parents who were watching our little girl, that we had an argument and they wanted to know more of course but I have not told anyone about this only posted it here. I don't know what to do, I just think he choked me on purpose, altough he has never physically hurt me before I just am not sure I can get past this, no one has ever spoken to me like this ever in my life. I can honestly say two days later it is all I think about and I keep reliving it. He can be a real jerk and everyone around us knows that. I need advice do I continue or let this be the big red flag that stops the relationship. I am so confused because I love him and I don't want to leave him. although my short stint, thinking I was falling for another man, I just wanted someone to love and romance me and want me. Please give me some advice. I need help.


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

Good god. That is absolutely unacceptable for him regardless of anything you might have done to him. Do NOT think that his physical abuse is acceptable for any reason. he was out of bounds there and you had every right to call the police and let him spend some time in jail to think about his actions...PERIOD! A woman should never be physically abused no matter what!

I would suggest that you contact a battered womans shelter now, and get some help from them to assist you in getting out of the house. You may feel you love him and that is fine but you also need to change the circumstances for which you are going to deal with this moving forward. Get some help and give him a good mule kick wake up call, maybe he can change his colors but considering the length of the relationship, you have probably seen his true colors already. People can change and I wouldn't say this is over but unless he realizes the gravity of the situation, he won't change.

Also, name calling is degrading and leaves a lasting memory in your mind of what he thinks of you. I would never call my significant other a C... or any of that stuff. All it is is degrading comments that are meant to hurt you.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

wow. that sounds exactly like a fight i witnessed between my sister and her exe husband. Her exe also gets really angry and frustrated, but he's a huge guy, very intimidating. but my sister wouldnt let him leave. she grabbed his car keys, just like you, and tried to stop him from leaving. he just wanted to leave because he was so angry. It was insanity. I could tell her exe was so emotionally frustrated that he just exploded- he ends up feeling like a caged animal and he attacks. he didnt hit her, but if i hadnt stepped in he might have. she's had unexplainable bruises before. 

the one thing ive learned from all the years of fighting between those two is that there are no victims in these situations. there are two adults who get out of control. 

when you guys were at the theme park i think it was wrong of you to tell him how to act. he's an adult. he doesnt need a mother. he can act like an a$$ if he wants to. 

BUT- you should leave this guy. You expect him to apologize for his actions but think about his mental state. you're asking him to do something compassionate...after he tried to choke you, called you every fowl name in the book, and called your sister a b*tch. is it really reasonable to expect someone who is that off balance to do something nice? its almost like expecting a cripple to all of a sudden get up and walk. its not going to happen. 

you also might want to get some counseling for yourself. he might be out of control, but you also have very poor boundaries and codependent tendency's. if you leave him, you will find someone else just like him; same nut, different shell.


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## ScaredinFlorida (Sep 29, 2009)

Well indeed I appreciate, both replies to my recent post. Shortly after that post I actually did leave. I spoke with a therapist and they believe I have some issues, however codependance was not one of them. I do believe I may need to establish some clearer boundaries for myself, however the incident at the theme park was another one of his outbursts, and indeed, he flipped the script on me to make it my fault. I have let this man control me and ruin my self worth and I will not stand for it. My therapist seems to think this can be worked out in time, however he needs to seek counseling, anger management therapy, and learn how to speak to people. She also wanted me to ask him to do those things, and if he agreed to give him an opportunity to fix this and right this wrong, because, "I'm sorry" will not fix this. I indeed did ask him to go get professional help he initially resisted but has agreed, my instructions per the therapist are to wait and see what he does. Will he actually go through the motions of getting a therapist and do it because he wants too not because he is being pushed. I feel somewhat relieved that I have done this, I finally am able to communicate my problem with him. I have made him responsible for what he has done. I will be patient and see what happens. A boundary has been crossed and we can not go back, but for 9 and a half years I have been put down controlled, and depressed with out really even knowing it, because I had grown used to it. It took someone else to make me see this, and my therapist, to open eyes and stop making excuses for him. For years I made excuses for him thinking it was the right thing to do. I feel like I finally know what the root of the problem is and I can move forward. I need support and help now so I appreciate your posts and please continue to provide advice, for me as I know this is not all of his fault. I am so glad I joined this site. "New Begginnings" you are right, those things have left a lasting impression in my mind, of what he thinks of me, and I have had a hard time getting over it. He is not a compassionate man at all and does things because he has too, such as being a parent etc.. He treats me like i am one of hus buddies or co-workes, instead of like his wife.


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