# Need a guy’s help!



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

An old acquaintance messaged me on Facebook recently. I don't know him very well but he's the friend of a friend. He’s had some medical problems and talked about that with me as he knows I'm a nurse. Now he’s sending little tidbits here and there...a silly video or whatever. Made a sexual joke and was surprised I knew the reference. I started getting uncomfortable that he was moving from asking my help with something to flirting so worked into the conversation that I have a boyfriend. He expressed disappointment to hear he "missed his chance" with me so I thought the message was received. Nope...then he started telling me how attractive I am. 

I sent another message making it very clear BF and I are good, been together for a while and I'm very happy with him. He chatted a bit more and that so far has been that. Throughout all of this I've been very open with BF about it and not hid any of it from him. 

I guess my question is, short of blocking him, which seems to be kicking a guy when he's down (this guy has had some serious medical issues and a recent tragedy in his life) is there another way of making sure he gets that I am not interested and I am very committed to my boyfriend? What does it take to get a guy like this to back off? This is the second time in under a week I've had to deal with something like this...the other guy was a friend of BF's so when I told BF he dealt with it himself thankfully. I know, you're all going to say I'm too nice but I just have a hard time being rude and/or nasty about it.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

notmyjamie said:


> I guess my question is, short of blocking him...


No, do that.

It's sad he's had turbulence in his life recently, but now he's adding it to your life.

I'm sure you gave him your best medical advice and some sympathy, but now he's taking advantage of your largesse.

It's unnecessary. 

Block. And don't worry a second about it.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

You explained that you have a BF and are not on the market. 
Either he respects that or he doesn't.
If he starts hitting on you again, block him.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Assuming you don't want to block him yet, you can try two things. 

1. Ignore him when he flirts or says things that make you uncomfortable. He may get the hint. 

2. Flat out tell him you have a BF and his advances are not appropriate or are making you uncomfortable. Just saying you have a BF clearly isn't enough to get rid of him, so you probably need to be more firm/clear with him. Firm doesn't have to be mean, it's just setting a boundary. 

If that doesn't work then you may have no choice but to block him.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Another possible solution: Just don't respond to him anymore, no matter what he pings you.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I would suggest you ignore him. If you have to answer medical questions, be short and ignore the rest. Actions work better than words.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Invite him and BF for a 3 some meal at Taco Bell? Crap dine-in is still a no go for you, I think.

But seriously, just don’t respond.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Talk about how much you enjoy your boyfriend and send pictures of you two having fun and smooching? Jokes.

The problem is, you might be dealing with a creepo and they usually don't take hints.

He hasn't earned a place of friendship, much less intimate friendship, with you and you're probably going to have to draw hard lines.

It sounds like you are just naturally very nice. That trait, unfortunately, needs you to develop boundaries that others, like myself, have naturally.


It is good and right to let someone know that they are being inappropriate.

Maybe work on saying that when needed.

If someone doesn't stop inappropriate behavior after you have informed them of it, you cut them off totally afterward.

Two steps and problem solved unless they listen to step one.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Whenever he sends you a video or a joke when (if) you reply tell him that your boyfriend found it very funny. 
Every single time. 
He will soon get the message.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Simply ignore their messages. Don't read them, don't open them, don't reply. Just don't give any sign that you're paying any attention to them. 

They'll slowly disappear and won't write back anymore.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

LoL, you guys are too nice. Here it is, straight with no chaser. **** that dude. You mean to tell me he doesn't have anyone else to lean on? He didn't reach out for the friendship, the objective was always to get close to you and if I am being brutally honest the ultimate objective was to get in your pants. I have honestly seen this same movie dozens of times with multiple girlfriends and a wife. I can *easily* think of multiple guys that my current girlfriend went to school with or served in the military with that are having "having a hard time" or are married to an "awful mean woman that bullies them and doesn't love them", bla, bla, bla. Yet on facebook the whole family is cheesing for the camera at Disneyland. Its the oldest trick in the book, and the crazy thing is it actually almost never works. They ALL have a story. They want your attention, like ANY attention. They somehow believe that your pity will get them what they want. 

These guys are literally everywhere, even at work. The guy that constantly complains about his life constantly...but somehow only around attractive women? I'll tell you what I told my girlfriend that made her drop all of her beta orbiters. I asked her if I edited all of her facebook images to make her 100lbs heavier if the guy/s would be interesting in telling her their life story. She found that very humorous, and a actually kind of sad, but admitted I was probably right.

If you think this guy would have messaged you if you didn't look like you, then by all means maintain the relationship. But in my girlfriends case it helped her tremendously realizing that its really just a long con. Now she is heartless LoL, border line ruthless. Why, because the contact isn't genuine. We all know who our real friends are. You don't owe someone that has reached out to you under false pretenses anything. You're only feeding it if you keep talking to him. You aren't comforting him at all. Trust me. He is fine. When you respond to him he thinks his plan is "working". Guys like this will hang around for years if you let them. These are the kind of guys that if your relationship happened to end and they made a move and you turned them down, they would then lash out at you and berate you for turning them down. Because in their warped minds, they have been patiently waiting their turn.

Just in case you aren't convinced don't think for a minute that this doesn't happen to guys too. All kinds of female acquaintances complain to us about their guy or even husband, and it is sooooooo obvious that what they really want you to do is say, "I would never do or say that to you", and then make a move. Speaking for myself the only reason acquaintances from the past reach out to me is to try and sell me Amway, or because they want to feel me out about my relationship status. 

Block him and don't look back, going forward just ignore all the, "hey how are you messages". It ALWAYS starts normal. Then they get all weird. They either get flirty, or make passive aggressive comments about your current relationship. Its just annoying, and for the men that do it its a total beta move that doesn't even work (there are rare exceptions). It does actually work for female creepers, its how many find themselves a bottom feeder as an OM (but thats a whole different thread). Sorry if my response is over the top. If you can't tell I was triggered a bit 🙂.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Block and call it a day.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Thanks for the advice guys!!! I guess I just worry too much about being *****y to someone. If he were being outright rude and making obscene statements, etc I'd have no problem with it. I can handle that just fine ironically. But it's this subtle stuff I have trouble with because I think "what if that's not what he's trying to do" ya know? I refuse to believe everyone is a jerk. 

I think I just needed to hear a few guy's opinions that I wouldn't be out of line to just block him. BF said to just ignore him as well but that just felt so mean. I guess I just need to get over worrying about that.

Sorry for the trigger @ReformedHubby and you weren't over the top, I needed to hear it. I think part of my problem is that I don't think of myself as the kind of women men would go after like that so I don't see it. 

Anyway, I do appreciate the help!!! If you're all saying the same thing I guess I'm not being a jerk if I just block. Thanks!!!!


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## secretsheriff (May 6, 2020)

I'm not a guy, but if you don't want to block him, just be up front:

"I've told you I have a boyfriend. Flirting is out of line. Do it again and I'm blocking you."


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

notmyjamie said:


> Sorry for the trigger @ReformedHubby and you weren't over the top, I needed to hear it. I think part of my problem is that I don't think of myself as the kind of women men would go after like that so I don't see it.


No apologies necessary. I was trying to give you the fuel you needed to block him without the guilt. I was definitely triggered though, maybe because as I recollect both you and my girlfriend are redhead nurses. I guess its something about that that drives them all wild!


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

ReformedHubby said:


> No apologies necessary. I was trying to give you the fuel you needed to block him without the guilt. I was definitely triggered though, maybe because as I recollect both you and my girlfriend are redhead nurses. I guess its something about that that drives them all wild!


LOL...it's the very fact that I'm a redhead that makes me think nobody would go after me that way. I spent my entire childhood being told how ugly I was so to me redhead is not attractive. Weird. And you gave me the fuel..thanks. Sometimes I just need a bunch of opinions to convince me, especially when I'm worried I'm being a jerk. I've been told more than once that I'm too nice.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

secretsheriff said:


> I'm not a guy, but if you don't want to block him, just be up front:
> 
> "I've told you I have a boyfriend. Flirting is out of line. Do it again and I'm blocking you."


OP isn't my woman, but I actually disagree with any advice that doesn't include blocking. We are talking about a friend of a friend here, zero reason for him to be in her life. If a legit friendship was going to be fostered, why weren't they all that close before? Even when I take flirtation out of the equation. I think we all have people in our lives that want more of our attention than we can give. 

I get that some may feel I am over reacting, but if you haven't been recently single with today's social media you really can't comprehend it. This is not a once in while thing, this type of attention is constant until you've been off the market for quite a while. If she were to do as you advise. The first thing he would do is play the shocked and appalled card. He would say something like, "I was just trying to be friends, why are you being like this?". You can't win, its best to just walk away from it. Like I've said. I've seen this movie multiple times.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

ReformedHubby said:


> OP isn't my woman, but I actually disagree with any advice that doesn't include blocking. We are talking about a friend of a friend here, zero reason for him to be in her life. If a legit friendship was going to be fostered, why weren't they all that close before? Even when I take flirtation out of the equation. I think we all have people in our lives that want more of our attention than we can give.
> 
> I get that some may feel I am over reacting, but if you haven't been recently single with today's social media you really can't comprehend it. This is not a once in while thing, this type of attention is constant until you've been off the market for quite a while. If she were to do as you advise. The first thing he would do is play the shocked and appalled card. He would say something like, "I was just trying to be friends, why are you being like this?". You can't win, its best to just walk away from it. Like I've said. I've seen this movie multiple times.


When I said there was no chance in hell of starting something because I was very happy with BF he said he wasn't trying to start anything, just making an observation that I was attractive. But guys don't do that unless they're fishing right? Told him again how good things are with BF and he sent a few more normal messages after that but now I haven't heard from him since yesterday. Hoping he got the message. If not..block it is!!! I'm taking yours and everyone else's advice.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Orbiter...waiting for your life to blow up. Block ‘em.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

notmyjamie said:


> LOL...it's the very fact that I'm a redhead that makes me think nobody would go after me that way. *I spent my entire childhood being told how ugly I was so to me redhead is not attractive. *Weird. And you gave me the fuel..thanks. Sometimes I just need a bunch of opinions to convince me, especially when I'm worried I'm being a jerk. I've been told more than once that I'm too nice.


Ahh yes the childhood voices in your head. You didn't post about that. But I've been pretty bored so free therapy for you today! Anything different is made fun of and ridiculed in childhood, simply because its unique, those that are making fun of you might actually be jealous. I can remember being told I was ugly constantly in elementary school. I can remember girls making fun of my looks so bad I would literally cry. 

One day my music teacher noticed me crying because a girl called me ugly. She pulled me out of the classroom. In the hallway she said to me. Don't worry about it. One day soon you'll be beating all of these girls off of you with a stick! Well...she was kind of right. I did start getting attention as I matured, probably was the same for you. What is ridiculed in childhood can become sought after and exotic as we get older.

Can you pick out @ReformedHubby in this pic? I'll give you a hint, I also stuck out LoL. Forgive me for the jack...but it seems you know your path now when it comes to the original post.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

notmyjamie said:


> LOL...it's the very fact that I'm a redhead that makes me think nobody would go after me that way. I spent my entire childhood being told how ugly I was so to me redhead is not attractive. Weird. And you gave me the fuel..thanks. Sometimes I just need a bunch of opinions to convince me, especially when I'm worried I'm being a jerk. I've been told more than once that I'm too nice.


My family has a strong Celtic strain and I have many relatives, including my grandson, that have red hair. They are good looking people.

I have a cousin who is a 6' tall red head and she got outrageous amounts of attention from men in her day.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> Ahh yes the childhood voices in your head. You didn't post about that. But I've been pretty bored so free therapy for you today! Anything different is made fun of and ridiculed in childhood, simply because its unique, those that are making fun of you might actually be jealous. I can remember being told I was ugly constantly in elementary school. I can remember girls making fun of my looks so bad I would literally cry.
> 
> One day my music teacher noticed me crying because a girl called me ugly. She pulled me out of the classroom. In the hallway she said to me. Don't worry about it. One day soon you'll be beating all of these girls off of you with a stick! Well...she was kind of right. I did start getting attention as I matured, probably was the same for you. What is ridiculed in childhood can become sought after and exotic as we get older.
> 
> ...


Man! You were such a cute kid. What happened??? 😉😆


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Man! You were such a cute kid. What happened??? 😉😆


LoL, hilarious. I peaked looks wise in the first grade as the photo suggests. It was all down hill from there!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

notmyjamie said:


> An old acquaintance messaged me on Facebook recently. I don't know him very well but he's the friend of a friend. He’s had some medical problems and talked about that with me as he knows I'm a nurse. Now he’s sending little tidbits here and there...a silly video or whatever. Made a sexual joke and was surprised I knew the reference. I started getting uncomfortable that he was moving from asking my help with something to flirting so worked into the conversation that I have a boyfriend. He expressed disappointment to hear he "missed his chance" with me so I thought the message was received. Nope...then he started telling me how attractive I am.
> 
> I sent another message making it very clear BF and I are good, been together for a while and I'm very happy with him. He chatted a bit more and that so far has been that. Throughout all of this I've been very open with BF about it and not hid any of it from him.
> 
> I guess my question is, short of blocking him, which seems to be kicking a guy when he's down (this guy has had some serious medical issues and a recent tragedy in his life) is there another way of making sure he gets that I am not interested and I am very committed to my boyfriend? What does it take to get a guy like this to back off? This is the second time in under a week I've had to deal with something like this...the other guy was a friend of BF's so when I told BF he dealt with it himself thankfully. I know, you're all going to say I'm too nice but I just have a hard time being rude and/or nasty about it.


"Hey, just to be clear, I'm not at all interested in a romantic or sexual relationship here. I would like however to be friends with you - but only if we're clear the flirtations are off the table."

That's the kind of thing I would hear when single from some women, and I appreciated it and rolled with it. Some of them became quite close friends, and I never crossed the line with them.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Marduk said:


> *"Hey, just to be clear, I'm not at all interested in a romantic or sexual relationship here. I would like however to be friends with you - but only if we're clear the flirtations are off the table."*
> 
> That's the kind of thing I would hear when single from some women, and I appreciated it and rolled with it. Some of them became quite close friends, and I never crossed the line with them.


Its actually sad to me that women have to actually say this, but they honestly have to. Good for you for never crossing the line.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ReformedHubby said:


> Its actually sad to me that women have to actually say this, but they honestly have to. Good for you for never crossing the line.


I won’t lie.

Some of them eventually did try to cross the line themselves. Some I said no to, but some I didn’t.

I don’t think it’s sad, though. I think clarity is good. I know I’ve attempted to make friends with some women, and they took it as a flirtation. I’ve had to set those boundaries myself. If you’re interested in someone because they’re platonically interesting, but you’re in a relationship or not physically into them... or even just the timing is off, I think you need to make things clear before feelings get hurt.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

ReformedHubby said:


> Ahh yes the childhood voices in your head. You didn't post about that. But I've been pretty bored so free therapy for you today! Anything different is made fun of and ridiculed in childhood, simply because its unique, those that are making fun of you might actually be jealous. I can remember being told I was ugly constantly in elementary school. I can remember girls making fun of my looks so bad I would literally cry.
> 
> One day my music teacher noticed me crying because a girl called me ugly. She pulled me out of the classroom. In the hallway she said to me. Don't worry about it. One day soon you'll be beating all of these girls off of you with a stick! Well...she was kind of right. I did start getting attention as I matured, probably was the same for you. What is ridiculed in childhood can become sought after and exotic as we get older.
> 
> Can you pick out @ReformedHubby in this pic? I'll give you a hint, I also stuck out LoL. Forgive me for the jack...but it seems you know your path now when it comes to the original post.


I don't mind the jack at all!! Love your picture...adorable!!! I remember my mother telling me that women all over the world tried like mad to dye their hair and get my color and I never believed her. The first time I thought maybe all I had been told wasn't true was when my first boyfriend told me his friend told him he was spoiled to have a redhead for a girlfriend. I was very confused. Honestly. Part of my problem is that if I am getting attention, I don't recognize it for what it is because I just never expect it. I'm a true headcase I think LOL

I remember crying when my middle daughter was born with red hair. I was so upset that she'd have to go through what I went through but she has not had the same experience. She gets told all the time how beautiful she is and she loves her hair. The very same people that ridiculed me for being so ugly as a kid now post on her pictures that a) she looks JUST me when I was that age and b) she's totally gorgeous. SO hard to wrap my brain around.

But all is good...there is only guy I want to be attracted to me and he seems to be, lucky for me!!! <3

Thanks for the therapy!!!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Children absolutely can be bullies about anyone who looks different. And those old childhood tapes can rerun in your head for a long time. The best revenge? Growing up and realizing — when it’s reunion time — that you look a million times better than all the childhood bullies. And knowing that they know it. Oh, yes.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

This has gone off the rails a little bit but I do have some commiseration and perspective to share. The first 20-25 years of my life had a strong theme of judgement and condescension from peers and eventually coworkers. I developed a mantra of achievements as reassurance for myself. Also, once I had gotten to the point that I was on my own and supporting myself, I didn't have to pay any attention to the opinions of others since there was so much evidence that 1. nothing I did good or bad would change the way people thought about me, 2. by the mid-twenties most people were able to at least remain professional at places of employment / business, and 3. the lack of relevance of other people's opinion gave me a great deal of freedom.

If I wanted to carry a book everywhere I went, fine. If I wanted to practice my girls' dance routine with them and make a fool of myself, fine. If I wanted to dress up as the big bad wolf in a granny dress to go with my kid's red riding hood or Azeraphale to their Crowley, fine. If I want to go shopping at the comic shop and fill in the gaps of my collection, fine. All of these things that could and have received eye rolls from others are fine because I was receiving the same eye rolls and contempt when I was just trying to be invisible.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Openminded said:


> Children absolutely can be bullies about anyone who looks different. And those old childhood tapes can rerun in your head for a long time. The best revenge? Growing up and realizing — when it’s reunion time — that you look a million times better than all the childhood bullies. And knowing that they know it. Oh, yes.


Ah yes...I’ve had more than one of those girls, now a women express jealousy that at age 52 I do not have to dye my hair and tell me it’s beautiful. I can objectively say that my hair is an asset now but that ugly feeling remains. Self esteem is a fragile thing indeed and once destroyed does not bounce back easily it seems.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

notmyjamie said:


> Ah yes...I’ve had more than one of those girls, now a women express jealousy that at age 52 I do not have to dye my hair and tell me it’s beautiful. I can objectively say that my hair is an asset now but that ugly feeling remains. Self esteem is a fragile thing indeed and once destroyed does not bounce back easily it seems.


I know all too well what the nastiness of some girls can do to childhood self esteem. I admit that I have attended my class reunions solely to gloat (internally, of course) over the surprised — and jealous — looks they can’t hide at the difference since we went to school together. 

PS
I think red hair is gorgeous and retains its eye-catching ability long, long after other colors have faded to nothingness.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

notmyjamie said:


> An old acquaintance messaged me on Facebook recently. I don't know him very well but he's the friend of a friend. He’s had some medical problems and talked about that with me as he knows I'm a nurse. Now he’s sending little tidbits here and there...a silly video or whatever. Made a sexual joke and was surprised I knew the reference. I started getting uncomfortable that he was moving from asking my help with something to flirting so worked into the conversation that I have a boyfriend. He expressed disappointment to hear he "missed his chance" with me so I thought the message was received. Nope...then he started telling me how attractive I am.
> 
> I sent another message making it very clear BF and I are good, been together for a while and I'm very happy with him. He chatted a bit more and that so far has been that. Throughout all of this I've been very open with BF about it and not hid any of it from him.
> 
> I guess my question is, short of blocking him, which seems to be kicking a guy when he's down (this guy has had some serious medical issues and a recent tragedy in his life) is there another way of making sure he gets that I am not interested and I am very committed to my boyfriend? What does it take to get a guy like this to back off? This is the second time in under a week I've had to deal with something like this...the other guy was a friend of BF's so when I told BF he dealt with it himself thankfully. I know, you're all going to say I'm too nice but I just have a hard time being rude and/or nasty about it.





notmyjamie said:


> An old acquaintance messaged me on Facebook recently. I don't know him very well but he's the friend of a friend. He’s had some medical problems and talked about that with me as he knows I'm a nurse. Now he’s sending little tidbits here and there...a silly video or whatever. Made a sexual joke and was surprised I knew the reference. I started getting uncomfortable that he was moving from asking my help with something to flirting so worked into the conversation that I have a boyfriend. He expressed disappointment to hear he "missed his chance" with me so I thought the message was received. Nope...then he started telling me how attractive I am.
> 
> I sent another message making it very clear BF and I are good, been together for a while and I'm very happy with him. He chatted a bit more and that so far has been that. Throughout all of this I've been very open with BF about it and not hid any of it from him.
> 
> I guess my question is, short of blocking him, which seems to be kicking a guy when he's down (this guy has had some serious medical issues and a recent tragedy in his life) is there another way of making sure he gets that I am not interested and I am very committed to my boyfriend? What does it take to get a guy like this to back off? This is the second time in under a week I've had to deal with something like this...the other guy was a friend of BF's so when I told BF he dealt with it himself thankfully. I know, you're all going to say I'm too nice but I just have a hard time being rude and/or nasty about it.


If you want healthy relationship boundaries and value the relationship you have just block this person and cut them out of your life. 
This is inappropriate.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

hinterdir said:


> If you want healthy relationship boundaries and value the relationship you have just block this person and cut them out of your life.
> This is inappropriate.


 Thanks. I basically told him that he had zero chance with me on 2 separate occasions. He said he understood. He sent another message with some innocent comments. I didn’t engage and I’ve not heard from him since. I was very open with my BF throughout, which he appreciated. We are good. I appreciate all the advice!!!!

BF and I now have our stupid inside jokes about the whole thing. To be honest, it brought us closer together. His ex wife would not have been open about something like this so it made him realize he has nothing to worry about with me.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

You should nix the guy. In my marriage we have combined FB acct. and do not accept opposite sex friends the other spouse is not friends with. I do not accept friends from old girlfriends or even past class mates. If my wife had someone flirting with her, i would expext she would shut down immediately. My wife and i are what you would call very married. If i am talking to some woman and she IE. Gives a compliment or flirts i immediately raise a boundry with saying "thanks....my wife likes it too."
Basically i shut it down before they get the idea i might be available or discussion is over.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Divinely Favored said:


> You should nix the guy. In my marriage we have combined FB acct. and do not accept opposite sex friends the other spouse is not friends with. I my wife had someone flirting i expext it yo be shut down immediately. My wife and i are what you would call very married. If i am talking to some woman and she ex. gives me a compliment on something, i immediately block with saying thanks....my wife likes it too.
> Basically shut it down before it starts or discussoon is over.


I appreciate the advice but the problem has been solved. He reached out again last week and I did not answer. My BF is well aware of everything that happened and we discussed how to handle it. As I said in my previous post we have gotten a lot of laughs about it. 

I could not live the way you and your wife life. My BF either trusts me or he doesn't. I know many here feel that there is zero room for privacy in a relationship but I disagree. Sometimes my private thoughts and feelings are mine alone. My relationships with other people have their own elements of privacy just as his do as well. I don't eavesdrop on his conversations and I wouldn't want him eavesdropping on mine. 

And blocking someone for giving you one compliment is a bit harsh. I've had guys say "looking great!" on some of my pictures and it means nothing other than they think I look good and they're happy for me that I'm doing well. I've done the same back on some of their pictures. Men and women can compliment each other without it being something nefarious. I'd hate to live my life thinking everyone has bad motives. 

As I said, I do appreciate the advice though. This guy was definitely up to something and it's been handled. Things are great with me and BF. I'm very lucky to have found him.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I trust my wife whole heartedly. We have both been cheated on in past so we both do this out of respect for each other. I know i can trust her because she has strong boundaries as do I in dealing with people of opposite sex.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

If both you and your wife feel this is the way to go than I think that's great!!!! I'm glad you guys are on the same page. My BF and I are on the same page as well. We don't mind if the other has interactions with the opposite sex that are friendly. But if something happens outside of that we tell each other immediately and we shut it down. His ex came sniffing around one day when she had a loss in her family, asking if she could come up to his apartment. He told her no, met her outside, gave her some support and a hug and sent her on her way. He was very open with me about it. We've both also been cheated on and this works for us. We are very clear with each other about what exactly we expect from each other. As I said, things are great with us. I trust him completely and I think he trusts me the same.


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## PeteDavis (Feb 10, 2020)

I


notmyjamie said:


> An old acquaintance messaged me on Facebook recently. I don't know him very well but he's the friend of a friend. He’s had some medical problems and talked about that with me as he knows I'm a nurse. Now he’s sending little tidbits here and there...a silly video or whatever. Made a sexual joke and was surprised I knew the reference. I started getting uncomfortable that he was moving from asking my help with something to flirting so worked into the conversation that I have a boyfriend. He expressed disappointment to hear he "missed his chance" with me so I thought the message was received. Nope...then he started telling me how attractive I am.
> 
> I sent another message making it very clear BF and I are good, been together for a while and I'm very happy with him. He chatted a bit more and that so far has been that. Throughout all of this I've been very open with BF about it and not hid any of it from him.
> 
> I guess my question is, short of blocking him, which seems to be kicking a guy when he's down (this guy has had some serious medical issues and a recent tragedy in his life) is there another way of making sure he gets that I am not interested and I am very committed to my boyfriend? What does it take to get a guy like this to back off? This is the second time in under a week I've had to deal with something like this...the other guy was a friend of BF's so when I told BF he dealt with it himself thankfully. I know, you're all going to say I'm too nice but I just have a hard time being rude and/or nasty about it.


I would not reply anymore. You may be literally the only person he can text. That is not your fault. Don’t feel guilty. Let me ask you a question. If you have a sister or a had a daughter what advice would you give them. If you can imagine a best friend that wants the best for you what would they say?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

PeteDavis said:


> I
> 
> I would not reply anymore. You may be literally the only person he can text. That is not your fault. Don’t feel guilty. Let me ask you a question. If you have a sister or a had a daughter what advice would you give them. If you can imagine a best friend that wants the best for you what would they say?


Thanks. I stopped replying a while ago when he went too far and he gave up. All is good now!!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thats right, ghost him for a few days, they tend to disappear after a while. 

F---wits, bah!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

blocking him is a little severe.
but you do not have to respond. Of if you do respond, wait 10 days to do so, and completely avoid any sort of sexual or flirty talk. Eventually he will get the message you are NOT interested in him sexually.

and if a few months from now he is still annoying you, then block him


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I have a high school friend like this. He lost his wife to cancer last year and since they weren't married long enough to really experience the tough times (she was wife #3) she's now on a pedestal that nobody can touch.

But he's lonely so even though he's far from ready to move on he messages me periodically to flirt. I don't respond to the flirting but I will ask him how he's doing. Beyond that i just don't respond. He knows I have a bf but he still tries sometimes.

When he asks "what's up sexy runner" my response is "nothing much, how are you?". I don't respond to the sexy part.

I think he's getting the message.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

notmyjamie said:


> I appreciate the advice but the problem has been solved. He reached out again last week and I did not answer. My BF is well aware of everything that happened and we discussed how to handle it. As I said in my previous post we have gotten a lot of laughs about it.
> 
> I could not live the way you and your wife life. My BF either trusts me or he doesn't. I know many here feel that there is zero room for privacy in a relationship but I disagree. Sometimes my private thoughts and feelings are mine alone. My relationships with other people have their own elements of privacy just as his do as well. I don't eavesdrop on his conversations and I wouldn't want him eavesdropping on mine.
> 
> ...


I compliment a lot of women, both related and not, and it is strictly appreciation for some characteristic either physical or otherwise. 

I even lightly flirt but it is with very close friends and relatives and taken as a compliment which is reciprocal.

I see it the same as you here.

The guy was fishing though and hoping you would bite.

Great response from you and your bf.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I have a high school friend like this. He lost his wife to cancer last year and since they weren't married long enough to really experience the tough times (she was wife #3) she's now on a pedestal that nobody can touch.
> 
> But he's lonely so even though he's far from ready to move on he messages me periodically to flirt. I don't respond to the flirting but I will ask him how he's doing. Beyond that i just don't respond. He knows I have a bf but he still tries sometimes.
> 
> ...


You are kind.😊


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> You are kind.😊


Well I know he's hurting and I understand why he's doing what he's doing. A little compassion goes a long way 

But I'm not going to feed the beast. He gets detached well wishes and nothing more. I have no desire to save people.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

notmyjamie said:


> An old acquaintance messaged me on Facebook recently. I don't know him very well but he's the friend of a friend. He’s had some medical problems and talked about that with me as he knows I'm a nurse. Now he’s sending little tidbits here and there...a silly video or whatever. Made a sexual joke and was surprised I knew the reference. I started getting uncomfortable that he was moving from asking my help with something to flirting so worked into the conversation that I have a boyfriend. He expressed disappointment to hear he "missed his chance" with me so I thought the message was received. Nope...then he started telling me how attractive I am.
> 
> I sent another message making it very clear BF and I are good, been together for a while and I'm very happy with him. He chatted a bit more and that so far has been that. Throughout all of this I've been very open with BF about it and not hid any of it from him.
> 
> I guess my question is, short of blocking him, which seems to be kicking a guy when he's down (this guy has had some serious medical issues and a recent tragedy in his life) is there another way of making sure he gets that I am not interested and I am very committed to my boyfriend? What does it take to get a guy like this to back off? This is the second time in under a week I've had to deal with something like this...the other guy was a friend of BF's so when I told BF he dealt with it himself thankfully. I know, you're all going to say I'm too nice but I just have a hard time being rude and/or nasty about it.





notmyjamie said:


> An old acquaintance messaged me on Facebook recently. I don't know him very well but he's the friend of a friend. He’s had some medical problems and talked about that with me as he knows I'm a nurse. Now he’s sending little tidbits here and there...a silly video or whatever. Made a sexual joke and was surprised I knew the reference. I started getting uncomfortable that he was moving from asking my help with something to flirting so worked into the conversation that I have a boyfriend. He expressed disappointment to hear he "missed his chance" with me so I thought the message was received. Nope...then he started telling me how attractive I am.
> 
> I sent another message making it very clear BF and I are good, been together for a while and I'm very happy with him. He chatted a bit more and that so far has been that. Throughout all of this I've been very open with BF about it and not hid any of it from him.
> 
> I guess my question is, short of blocking him, which seems to be kicking a guy when he's down (this guy has had some serious medical issues and a recent tragedy in his life) is there another way of making sure he gets that I am not interested and I am very committed to my boyfriend? What does it take to get a guy like this to back off? This is the second time in under a week I've had to deal with something like this...the other guy was a friend of BF's so when I told BF he dealt with it himself thankfully. I know, you're all going to say I'm too nice but I just have a hard time being rude and/or nasty about it.





notmyjamie said:


> An old acquaintance messaged me on Facebook recently. I don't know him very well but he's the friend of a friend. He’s had some medical problems and talked about that with me as he knows I'm a nurse. Now he’s sending little tidbits here and there...a silly video or whatever. Made a sexual joke and was surprised I knew the reference. I started getting uncomfortable that he was moving from asking my help with something to flirting so worked into the conversation that I have a boyfriend. He expressed disappointment to hear he "missed his chance" with me so I thought the message was received. Nope...then he started telling me how attractive I am.
> 
> I sent another message making it very clear BF and I are good, been together for a while and I'm very happy with him. He chatted a bit more and that so far has been that. Throughout all of this I've been very open with BF about it and not hid any of it from him.
> 
> I guess my question is, short of blocking him, which seems to be kicking a guy when he's down (this guy has had some serious medical issues and a recent tragedy in his life) is there another way of making sure he gets that I am not interested and I am very committed to my boyfriend? What does it take to get a guy like this to back off? This is the second time in under a week I've had to deal with something like this...the other guy was a friend of BF's so when I told BF he dealt with it himself thankfully. I know, you're all going to say I'm too nice but I just have a hard time being rude and/or nasty about it.


He is fishing block him. Easy solution


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> Well I know he's hurting and I understand why he's doing what he's doing. A little compassion goes a long way
> 
> But I'm not going to feed the beast. He gets detached well wishes and nothing more. I have no desire to save people.


It's the same issue...this guy had a severe medical problem and while he was hospitalized, his wife died. How tragic. I don't want to kick a guy while he's down. He's messaged again a few times but now it's just funny stuff, nothing sexual. I think he's a bit lonely. I never met his wife and I think he wants to talk to someone who won't bring her up as that just makes him so sad. 

He messaged about once a month now...and nothing sexual. Funny meme's and silly stuff. Nothing inappropriate. I respond with a laugh and move on with my day.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Just a quick update for anyone that cares...hadn’t gotten any messages from this guy in a while as he finally got the message. Things with BF are going great!!! I was always very honest with him and got his input on the problem so it never caused any problems between us.
Sadly, I learned the other day that the guy caught Covid and died recently. I feel for his children, who also lost their Mom recently. 

Life is short. Make it count!!!


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