# not sexually attracted to h



## savie1979 (Mar 3, 2012)

well i struggle with being attracted to my h. its terrible i have avoided having sex, i keep my child in bed , and dont touch him , cuddles or anything ... why do i feel like this .. i feel terrible

also now he has stopped the kissing and trying to cuddle in bed as last nite it was akward in bed and i told him this is akward and he said what im going to sleep.. it was a opportunity to have sex i felt akward with the not touching .. strange feeling as ive been with him for 16 yrs..

what do i do ? why do i feel like this?


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Sounds like you don't want him and also don't want him to NOT want you. Also sounds like he knows you don't want sex, so he doesn't want to cuddle or touch you, knowing he is not wanted and will probably be rejected anyway. You're on a destructive path. That I can tell you. I certainly cannot tell you why you feel the way you feel, and I'm not exactly sure what you are asking. 

What exactly was awkward and strange to you?
......That he didn't touch you, didn't want sex, and didn't want to cuddle?
......Or, was it that you didn't want him to do any of those. 
......Actually sounds like you have a problem with both. Very confusing.

What exactly does "not sexually attracted to h" mean?
......You are not attracted to him sexually (and why, has he changed in any way)?
......Or, is it that you are in a libido slump and simply don't want sex?
......Or, again, is it that you don't want sex with him?


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## savie1979 (Mar 3, 2012)

im not sexually turned on ..by him ..

it felt akward to be in the bed with your partner of 16 yrs.. 

and for once he didnt try ....and i dint have to feel terrible to say im tired.. i layed there in stillness and said this is akward to him ..his response is his goin to sleep .. and the fact that he didnt feel akward and leav the bed... like i felt like doing ..


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Ya, getting the 180 run on you can be a bit disconcerting.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

savie1979 said:


> im not sexually turned on ..by him ..


Uh huh...funny you should put it like that...so, who's the other guy.


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## savie1979 (Mar 3, 2012)

i have no other guy ... and yes true i should sleep somewhere else but i dont want to get him angry ...im not a bad preson ...


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## par4 (Mar 8, 2012)

Do you want to sleep with someone else? Are you attracted to another man?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

savie1979 said:


> i have no other guy ... and yes true i should sleep somewhere else but i dont want to get him angry ...im not a bad preson ...


okay, so I can only speculate on two things. You choose from the following.

1. He let himself go.

or

2. Your INTERESTED in another guy.

Not saying you have one, but.....

So, you tell us. To be honest, you're not giving us a lot to go on as far as the description of your husband or the actual state of your marriage.


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## savie1979 (Mar 3, 2012)

our marriage is not the best im my eyes.. 

we have got ourseleves in finacial debt .house. which makes me have to work as much as i can , and h got himself a small buisness with the help of his mum. 

i have been a stay at home mum since forever and last yr went and got my self a cretificate to try and better myself for employment as i couldnt get a job. i now have a job and enjoy it , he wasnt supportive at all with the studying . he thought id waste our money. i didnt i proved him wrong and i am finding myself without kids .im working . and this is helping my confidence and also to get to know who i am as a individual. i find his personality is overhelming , as he is very head strong and thinks his wright all the time . i find i cant relax with him , his uptight, he has a problem when his drunk irritating people he does this when his straight .. he tries to twist everything u can say to prove his right . this frustates me . his always been like this but as his gotten older its getting worse. 

he brought into a buisness with the reason being he wants this but yet putting us at higher risks...
we have kids i feel like he could help me out more ,, he comes home . does his thing its dinner .. that ive cooked , that the kids clean up while he gets to sit and watch tv, occasionally he will cook dinner .. but never cleans up ...
theres a few thins sorry for rambiling


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## savie1979 (Mar 3, 2012)

also i would like to go on a holiday .. without kids a girl type,, he tells everyone if i go his not looking after the kids...he says this all the time i constantly feel as though if i wanna do something i have to organise babysitters as he wont like the idea he has to saty home with kids .. yet in the past and now he has gone out ive always let him but he dont like the idea of it.. just another thing ...he turns it that his joking ,, he says it all the time so its not funny anymore..


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

No. No apologies needed. It was actually helpful. Sounds like you resent him, and you can't be attracted to a person you resent. You're putting up a wall between the two of you. You feel that he doesn't respect you as a wife. He doesn't have faith in you and maybe a little jealous of your success.

I'm gonna be honest...I still think your attracted to someone else, perphaps someone at your work. If that's the case, you need to get a handle on that.

You need to talk to him, I think good deep down soul searching communication has been lost from this marriage for quite sometime. You need marriage counseling. Talk to him and see about going. Once you're able to break down that wall, and you're able to communicate and UNDERSTAND each other, then the rest falls in line.

Girl type holiday can be bad news...too close to "girls night out" and that's a bad idea because of the state of your marriage.


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## savie1979 (Mar 3, 2012)

girl holiday meaning sister in laws his sister ... thanku crossbar 4 taking the time to reply to me


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I hate to break it to you but you're not going to find him attractive if you go to MC even when he does support you more. The reason you don't find him attractive is because he has stopped turning on all the right attraction switches and meeting your criteria for the "right" man. Attraction involves a lot more than just sex and requires that his character both draws respect and keeps you interested in him as a friend. 

The list involves things such as:
Confidence - Does he speak and act in a confident manner through life or seem sheepish unsure, depressed, or anxious?

Leader of men - Does he take charge and lead other men taking you by the hand or does he let you call all the shots.

Head of the house - He clearly is slacking off on his roles as a father and a husband, but before was he taking charge of responsibilities around the house and pitching in more.

Attractive to other women - Quite simply if other females find him attractive so would you. Envy is powefully attractive and makes you want what others have.

Sense of humor - When was the last time he made you laugh?

Listening skills - Does he really listen when you have something POSITIVE to say or tune you out? 

Heigine and fashion - Has he let himself go and stopped showering regulary? Are his clothes ten years old and too loose? When was the last time he used a lint roller and put on calogne?

Lifestyle - Quite simply does he have interesting hobbies and go to events that you find exciting like he did before you married, or has he stopped enjoying life in general?

Take a look at this list and really ask yourself what you want him to change. Then write it down for him and let him know why you are unhappy. Because if you think he is going to change by reading your mind and bodylanguage you're mistaken. And it sounds to me like he has gotten way too comfortable in this marriage as many do, and slacked off a lot about keeping you attracted to him. If you don't bother telling him in your "honey do" list things will only degrade further until you think divorce or an affair will magically make this situation better. It won't by the way. He needs to see that for one, "he can be right or he can be happy" and it's "kindness over harsh truth" Simpy put he can't win every argument when it means pi$$ing you off. Sometimes you have to just suck it up and let your wife be right so you can be happy and sleep in the same bed at night. And pessimism is very unattractive, if you have the choice between hurting her feelings or telling her she really does look fat in that dress you better lie and say something kind instead.


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## Chrysalis (Mar 20, 2012)

Let's not let Op off scot-free. It takes two to make or break a relationship. Op had better put in the effort to exercise weekly, eat healthy food, and put in the effort to look good for him. If she had already let herself go, her husband may have just given up himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

There have been long stretches in my marriage where my wife wasn't interested in any type of sex. When she was like that it was hard for me to want to be physical with her, because all that would happen is that I would get sexually excited and have no where to go with that energy. It would get me sexually frustrated and that spilled over into general frustration.

Your husband may not be touching you for these same types of reasons.

I suspect your husband may be going through a type of mild depression (esp if the drinking is new-ish). Now that he's no longer the primary provider in the family, he may be struggling with feeling like he's less of a man than he was (or thinks he should be).

He needs to go through some change, and it's going to take time... but he needs some help. Perhaps a good friend of his or family member can talk to him? If he's willing, he needs some therapy and perhaps a professional could help there.

IMO you won't see him volunteering to help around the house until he gets his mind in the right place first. Have you tried having a heart to heart with him about this?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

savie1979 said:


> our marriage is not the best im my eyes..
> 
> we have got ourseleves in finacial debt .house. which makes me have to work as much as i can , and h got himself a small buisness with the help of his mum.
> 
> ...


Hi savie ~

Have you ever had a heartfelt conversation(s) with your husband about how you feel?

Have you asked him about how he feels with your new-found independence?

Does he feel a disconnect in your marriage as well? Is he willing to work on it? Are YOU willing to work on it?

Just as you say you don't feel attracted to him anymore and are in a quandary about that, he may very well be in the same boat with you - feeling something of a disconnect with all of the changes you have made over the last year.

You can each sit in the boat with your oars moving in opposite directions and get nowhere, or you can genuinely try to get your oars moving together.

It's up to you to reach out to him, talk to him, discuss what things you can do to try and get both of your oars in the water at the same time, and then start to implement those things - by paddling your oars in the same direction.

Best wishes.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

savie1979 said:


> well i struggle with being attracted to my h. its terrible i have avoided having sex, i keep my child in bed , and dont touch him , cuddles or anything ... why do i feel like this .. i feel terrible


Since you are the one posting, you will be getting some of the tough advice. Sorry, but that is the way it works.

If you have not affirmatively brought this up to your husband, what you have done is cruel. You took active steps to shut him out physically, but now are hurt that he does not want you? Think about how that makes sense.

It sounds like you have reasons to resent him. You need to address that and perhaps some marriage counseling. But it will not and should not be a one way street. If he isn't trying any more, it is very likely because he has some big resentment issues as well. You both need to work on coming to grips with and letting it go so that you can move forward.

Then again, consider whether you even want to. After all, your initial response when he did not reach for you was relief and consideration on moving to a differnet bed. Do you really want to save your marriage, and what steps are you willing to take (assuming he is willing to work on it) to do so? This is a serious question you really need to think about if you are going to be successful.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

savie1979 said:


> well i struggle with being attracted to my h. its terrible i have avoided having sex, i keep my child in bed , and dont touch him , cuddles or anything ... why do i feel like this .. i feel terrible
> 
> also now he has stopped the kissing and trying to cuddle in bed as last nite it was akward in bed and i told him this is akward and he said what im going to sleep.. it was a opportunity to have sex i felt akward with the not touching .. strange feeling as ive been with him for 16 yrs..
> 
> what do i do ? why do i feel like this?


If you aren't interested in having a physical relationship with him, why are you continuing to perpetuate the "marriage"?
If you are only staying with him for financial reasons, you are doing so for NO REASON AT ALL.
My reason for saying this is that the bogus court system will see to it that he has to pay support for you, the child and perhaps, any guy you move into what was once his marital bed.
Give him a break and divorce him so he can move on.
(are you certain the child was fathered by him?)


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Your resentment seems to be the driver here. As others mentioned he may be depressed. He needs to snap out of it. He also needs to be clear on the ramifications of his inactions. 

I think the lack of attraction can be brought on by resentment. You need to decide how/if you can change this. 

I am not entirely convinced that staying together "for children" is necessarily good or bad. I have a couple close to us that don't get allong but, whose daughters get the benefit of a male and female influence. This can be difficult in seperated couples. 

I agree to a point with the poster who pointed out that he will have to support you. Understand this can backfire. Many a man have become bitter in divorces and take on cash jobs, hide income and screw ex-wives. Once Divorce is emminant and notion of being, fair or honerable go out the window. 

Is there any chance though that HE is resenful for the lack of intamacy and stopped trying. Is this a chicken/egg thing?


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

savie1979 said:


> well i struggle with being attracted to my h. its terrible i have avoided having sex, i keep my child in bed , and dont touch him , cuddles or anything ... why do i feel like this .. i feel terrible
> 
> also now he has stopped the kissing and trying to cuddle in bed as last nite it was akward in bed and i told him this is akward and he said what im going to sleep.. it was a opportunity to have sex i felt akward with the not touching .. strange feeling as ive been with him for 16 yrs..
> 
> what do i do ? why do i feel like this?


At least your here and wanting things to change. You get a gold star for that ;-)

Feelings come and go. I agree that there are probably things that happened on both sides that brought you to that point. Getting to the bottom of the issues, dealing with them and working together to solve them should put you on the path to restoring what is lost. From a man's POV, most of us connect and remain bonded to our wives. Rejecting your husband is going to cause even more issues. Do whatever you can to reverse course. The longer it goes, the more damage it will do.


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## marriedat19 (Mar 28, 2012)

All I can say is you would not be on this site asking how to be sexually attracted to him if you did not truly want him in some way. I think that instead of you taking a trip with all your girlfriends maybe get the sitter and just go on a trip with him, your marriage needs some work and a get away to Hawaii or some beautiful place with just the other person could refresh the relationship. Just spend time with him because he has been there for you for 16 years and if your not being intimate with him, he might try to be intimate with someone else...


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Nsweet said:


> The list involves things such as:
> Confidence - Does he speak and act in a confident manner through life or seem sheepish unsure, depressed, or anxious?
> 
> Leader of men - Does he take charge and lead other men taking you by the hand or does he let you call all the shots.
> ...


Not to hijack this thread but NSweet, are you suggesting that we men are to meet every criteria of this list?


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## savie1979 (Mar 3, 2012)

i do take good care of myself.. i dress nicely , do my makeup appropriatley, slim , dont get me wrong i dont eat healthy all the time but usually prettty good, i think im very appealing guys look at me so i cant be to bad .

he stopped trying as wel;l cause i have .. we havent had a ttalk but it was a another night of not touching,, its got to the point were he is doing it now and i feel like its rediculous and should both move on if this is the case whats the point of sharing a bed when u dont wanna touch each other,,

its so difficult....


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## marriedat19 (Mar 28, 2012)

After reading more and more of this conversation it seems like you want out, and don't want to feel bad about it. Is that true?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

savie1979 said:


> i do take good care of myself.. i dress nicely , do my makeup appropriatley, slim , dont get me wrong i dont eat healthy all the time but usually prettty good, i think im very appealing guys look at me so i cant be to bad .
> 
> he stopped trying as wel;l cause i have .. we havent had a ttalk but it was a another night of not touching,, its got to the point were he is doing it now and i feel like its rediculous and should both move on if this is the case whats the point of sharing a bed when u dont wanna touch each other,,
> 
> its so difficult....


So why is it only now a problem? You admit to having avoided touching him for sometime, but now that he appears to have given up, you want to leave? I am confused as to what is driving you.


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

savie1979 said:


> i do take good care of myself.. i dress nicely , do my makeup appropriatley, slim , dont get me wrong i dont eat healthy all the time but usually prettty good, i think im very appealing guys look at me so i cant be to bad .
> 
> he stopped trying as wel;l cause i have .. we havent had a ttalk but it was a another night of not touching,, its got to the point were he is doing it now and i feel like its rediculous and should both move on if this is the case whats the point of sharing a bed when u dont wanna touch each other,,
> 
> its so difficult....


Herein lies the problem. I bet he wants to touch you and be with you. Most men have it built into our DNA. For a man to not try is a HUGE deal and needs to be treated like an emergency. When most men get to that point, he's just tired of getting shot down. I know this from personal experience If he were on here, he'd hopefully be getting the same advise to take action. Not necessarily to move on without pulling out the stops and going for broke. If that's where things go by mutual decision, fine. However, you're here so your the one who is looking for something to try. 

You have two choices. Leave things miserable or go for it. Find something that attracted you to him in the first place. Why you fell in love, your first date, the best day you had with him, etc. Focus on that as your motivation and go for it. Is it possible he totally rejects you and you're hurt, yes. Is it possible he's going to go for it, yes. Is it going to fix things if you two have a good time, no. What it will do is start something that's stopped. Obviously your not ok with it, do something about it. 

I hate dishes and housework in general. I'd rather do anything but. I like to eat on clean dishes more than I like to let dirty dishes sit. What I'm suggesting is that you can't wait for you to feel better before you do something. Every day you are in the no touch zone, its going to get worse, more difficult for you to get him back. He's slipping away from you if he stopped trying. 

It's a difficult position but it's not un-fixable. Go find out if you have a partner who wants to fix it. It can't get worse if you think you should both move on. If you do nothing, that outcome is virtually guaranteed.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

savie1979 said:


> i do take good care of myself.. i dress nicely , do my makeup appropriatley, slim , dont get me wrong i dont eat healthy all the time but usually prettty good, i think im very appealing guys look at me so i cant be to bad .
> 
> he stopped trying as wel;l cause i have .. we havent had a ttalk but it was a another night of not touching,, its got to the point were he is doing it now and i feel like its rediculous and should both move on if this is the case whats the point of sharing a bed when u dont wanna touch each other,,
> 
> its so difficult....


Defeatist attitude! And lazy as well. 

Ditch the idea of running off with the ladies and hire a counselor. Drag your husband to counseling if you have to. Let me tell you something, I hate the flippant way you talk about divorcing or splitting with your husband, when by all accounts neither of you have exhausted all the avenues available to you. D should always be the last option when all others have failed. You think what you are going through now is bad? You have no conception what a nightmare divorce is. 

Grow up and go get some help for you and your husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

She doesn't necessarily have to be attracted to another living man. She could be attracted to a man she dreamed in her head. I have a dream man, he is everything I ever wanted and I fantasize about this made up man when I feel lonely. 

My marriage is sexless, so I fantasize quite a bit. 

My dream man looks like Peter Steele from Type O Negative. He died last year so now he is my fantasy angel from Heaven.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

My wife and I were going through similar. Having sex 2 times a month. I kinda gave up after 18 years of trying. I stopped all touching, hugging, kissing, back/foot rubs, and I even started to sleep in the other room. I stopped asking or begging for sex. Sometimes I waited for her to go to sleep. Usually though, I would say that I am not tired and wanted to read in the other room. I usually stayed there all night. I didn't even want a kiss good night from her because I got too excited from that.

I also started a hobby that kept me away a little and I worked late (I really worked I am self-employed) 

I was so sad that I started drinking again a lot. Yes, I know it wasn't a good thing. I was a nice drunk though Never got violent.

Most marriages have issues. We sure have ours.

I think a lot of women don't know the urges that men have. I hate hate hate going to bed horny and to wake up horny and go to work with many single woman near.

She got a little taste of what it would be like without me. I became a little agressive, at times and now she initiates sex. 

I don't think we love each other. We haven't said I love you in a long time. Over a year now. I think for the first time in 18 years, she enjoys sex. That is what it seems like anyway. Just the sex without the love.

Sometimes although sex is at its best now, I still want to sleep in the other room.


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

You don't want to touch your husband.

(Presumably, this also means you don't want your husband to touch you).

You are upset that your husband won't touch you.
You want him to want to touch you. 

Conclusion: 
You want your husband to feel shut down and rejected, somewhere deep inside?


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