# Hiding a key



## Elwicky (May 26, 2020)

So I am wondering why my husband would tell me that he hid a key out in the yard and if I ever get locked out, I can call him and he will tell me where it is. I am not quite understanding why it has to be a secret. Am I wrong to think that is a little odd?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

No, it is pretty odd, unless he thinks that maybe you will blab it to other people and not keep it secret?
You SHOULD know where it is. If he won't tell you, get your OWN copy of the key and put it someplace in the yard that YOU know about. Then you won't have to worry about his key.


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## Elwicky (May 26, 2020)

I think the whole thing is that the location of the key doesn't bother me. The reasoning behind it having to be a secret is what gets to me. There really isn't anybody that I could tell because the only people that I have time to be around other than him is my kids, between the classes I have and work.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

How about some context. Have there been times in the past where you've misplaced keys? Could be that he is thinking he doesn't want you to be using this key just because you "misplaced" one and it becomes your regular key. It would lose its value then. 

Otherwise, yeah, a bit odd!


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## Elwicky (May 26, 2020)

No, I haven't lost any keys. I have to be responsible for all of my work keys which includes keys to get into the building and all of the offices so I'm pretty careful about keys. When I asked him about why it had to be a secret and that I felt like he was treating me like a child, I got no reply. He sat there watching TV for a few minutes and then got up and went to bed without saying anything.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since there does not seem to be some problem like you losing keys, my take is that somehow he just thinks he's being clever and I would not make a big deal about it.

Why does this bother you so much?

If he's concerned about keys, why not install a combination door lock? I installed one about 5 years ago and love it. No keys to lose or hide.

*Schlage Keypad Entry with Flex-Lock*


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

I guess he wants to be sure that he knows if you have to use it.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

I think he's going to have to explain his reasons as we can only guess. I've heard a lot of experts warn against hidden keys so it's understandable that he's nervous (they are sometimes easier to find by burglars than people think) and people might be able to see you finding/using it.

Seems like he probably just doesn't want it used regularly or in ways that he doesn't want. For example, telling a workman where it is if you're running late and can't let him in, telling a friend or neighbor where it is in case of an "emergency". Or using it too often - like if you can't find your keys and you're in a rush, you just go out and figure you'll use the hidden key. Or maybe he's afraid you'll use it and forget to return it. Maybe he's afraid you'll not hide it as well as he wants if you do use it. Maybe he doesn't want you telling the kids and they'll use it too often (now or when they are older if they are very young now). 

Maybe these are irrational fears but keeping it a secret from you is probably his way of dealing with his nervousness of having a key out in the yard and feeling like it's under control.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

just look around, find it and keep it yourself.

it’s mean he’s acting this way. Makes me wonder who he’s actually expecting to use it... could be anyone as long as HE tells them.

is he always this controlling?


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## Elwicky (May 26, 2020)

There it is....that may be the answer now that I think about it in a broader sense. Most of the the time when we do argue, it boils down to him wanting to feel superior. Yes I have learned that he does tend to be controlling at times, even though he knows it pushes me to the edge.


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## sparc101 (Oct 21, 2013)

Maybe he wants to tell you over the phone and not through txt or email. Did you ask him when he told you he had hid a key? Perhaps you should ask him for the location of the key. If he says he does not want to tell you unless you really need the key then you should ask again.


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## st5555 (Dec 7, 2019)

First off, I'd be looking everywhere to try and find it as I'd consider it to be a challenge. 
If I found it, I'd try to put it in the most difficult place for him to look for. 
If I couldn't find it, I call him, thank him for being so thoughtful to hide a spare key and say you needed it as you lost your keys walking from the car to the house. 
Once you knew of the hiding place, do with the key as you will.
I used to do service calls at people's houses and sometimes they'd leave a key outside for me. Here are some common places:
Under a rock near the house
Behind the cover of an exterior electrical outlet
On top of or inside an exterior light
On top of the door jam
On top of a porch beam
Under the cover of a grill
On top of a gas tank or oil tank
Or the most classic location; under the door mat

As EleGirl mentioned, we changed all our locks to combination locks years ago. It turned out to be the best thing we ever did. Our adult children have their own codes. Our neighbor who watches our pets when we go on vacation has his own code and we put in temporary codes for select service people.

But why he won't tell you is another whole issue. You could ask him why he doesn't trust you and if he feels there are other things he won't trust you with.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

It's odd and controlling or indicates lack of trust. If you think you need a spare key get one yourself and put it someplace safe and just forget his. What if he isn't available when you call? What if you don't have your cellphone or it isn't charged. Just ridiculous really.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Just have an extra copy for yourself and hid it and tell him, thank you but I have a copy too. Don’t bother dealing with him about it at all. He is treating you like a child.


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## Elwicky (May 26, 2020)

That is exactly how it makes me feel, like he is treating me like a child...


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

We have a mechanical lock box, mainly for service people. I suppose it could be used as back up if we don't have keys and there's no power to the garage door opener.


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## Elwicky (May 26, 2020)

Precisely....there are other ways to deal with worrying about getting locked out. He not only hid it, he specified that he buried it. What about when the ground freezes?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Get a key cut for yourself and hide it somewhere he would never think of looking. Then NEVER mention his spare key again. He can only control what you let him and you making a big deal about the key is playing right into his hands. 
If he does ask you if you want to know where it is just say you have your own arrangements and leave it at that.


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## Elwicky (May 26, 2020)

That may just be a good idea because I think he may have just done that in retaliation because the lease was up on my car and he totally manipulated the conversation with the car lot rep, wanting to know horsepowers and torque and which was faster and I am sorry but that was not what my interests were in the next car. So the night before I had the appointment to take the car I had been leasing back , my husband started going on about what car I needed to get and that he was going to take money out of the bank and come along. He kept up about all of the cars he wants, that i had to get a fast car that could handle curves at high speeds and I have to admit, I got angry and stated that I didn't like being told every move to make and that I didn't feel the need for a racecar and that I would choose whatever I felt would suit my needs. After all he has his car and he had it all redone the way that he wants. And by the way, he didn't contribute financially to it since I said that I would get what I wanted. He lives for cars and that is all he wants to even watch on tv; either car videos on YouTube or movies with chase scenes. So the whole key thing might in some way be his attempt at just a feeling of control.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

JustTheWife said:


> I think he's going to have to explain his reasons as we can only guess. I've heard a lot of experts warn against hidden keys so it's understandable that he's nervous (they are sometimes easier to find by burglars than people think) and people might be able to see you finding/using it.
> 
> Seems like he probably just doesn't want it used regularly or in ways that he doesn't want. For example, telling a workman where it is if you're running late and can't let him in, telling a friend or neighbor where it is in case of an "emergency". Or using it too often - like if you can't find your keys and you're in a rush, you just go out and figure you'll use the hidden key. Or maybe he's afraid you'll use it and forget to return it. Maybe he's afraid you'll not hide it as well as he wants if you do use it. Maybe he doesn't want you telling the kids and they'll use it too often (now or when they are older if they are very young now).
> 
> Maybe these are irrational fears but keeping it a secret from you is probably his way of dealing with his nervousness of having a key out in the yard and feeling like it's under control.


All valid points - but you do that together as married couple. He can have a talk with his own wife and explain all that reasoning and why he wants it that way. But when is doing it by himself, he does not treat her as equal partner, but like child.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Elwicky said:


> That may just be a good idea because I think he may have just done that in retaliation because the lease was up on my car and he totally manipulated the conversation with the car lot rep, wanting to know horsepowers and torque and which was faster and I am sorry but that was not what my interests were in the next car. So the night before I had the appointment to take the car I had been leasing back , my husband started going on about what car I needed to get and that he was going to take money out of the bank and come along. He kept up about all of the cars he wants, that i had to get a fast car that could handle curves at high speeds and I have to admit, I got angry and stated that I didn't like being told every move to make and that I didn't feel the need for a racecar and that I would choose whatever I felt would suit my needs. After all he has his car and he had it all redone the way that he wants. And by the way, he didn't contribute financially to it since I said that I would get what I wanted. He lives for cars and that is all he wants to even watch on tv; either car videos on YouTube or movies with chase scenes. So the whole key thing might in some way be his attempt at just a feeling of control.


I think hidden secret key is just the top of the iceberg. There seems to be much more there.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I agree, Wanda. 

There are bigger problems here than a key.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

I guess I would calmly ask him why he doesn't tell you where it is now, so you don't have to reach him to get in. I can't think of any sensible reason, but his reply should tell you if he is being petty, not thinking clearly, or has a good reason none of us thought of.

And as others have said, if he doesn't cooperate, just hide your own key and don't play his game.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Agreed that keeping the key location from you is the tip of the iceberg. This type of control/withholding of important information has to occur in other situations as well, and will undermine the marriage and your feelings about your husband over time. It probably erodes your own self-esteem and joy in the marriage.

Living with someone who behaves like your husband must be exhausting for you.

Do what Andy suggested (making your own key and hiding in your own location.) When your husband wants to tell or show you where he hid the key, tell him that you don't care, because you took care of yourself by hiding your own key.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Elwicky said:


> That may just be a good idea because I think he may have just done that in retaliation because the lease was up on my car and he totally manipulated the conversation with the car lot rep, wanting to know horsepowers and torque and which was faster and I am sorry but that was not what my interests were in the next car. So the night before I had the appointment to take the car I had been leasing back , my husband started going on about what car I needed to get and that he was going to take money out of the bank and come along. He kept up about all of the cars he wants, that i had to get a fast car that could handle curves at high speeds and I have to admit, I got angry and stated that I didn't like being told every move to make and that I didn't feel the need for a racecar and that I would choose whatever I felt would suit my needs. After all he has his car and he had it all redone the way that he wants. *And by the way, he didn't contribute financially to it since I said that I would get what I wanted. *He lives for cars and that is all he wants to even watch on tv; either car videos on YouTube or movies with chase scenes. So the whole key thing might in some way be his attempt at just a feeling of control.


This is what I figured. The issue is not really the key. It's a much bigger problem that you have in your relationship.

I would just ignore the key. If you feel you need a hidden key just incase, make your own and hide it. Or install combination locks and end the need to carry keys. The hidden key is not the hill you want to die on.

Since you say that he did not contribute to your car, it sounds like you two have separate bank accounts. Are all of your assets kept separately? If so, whose idea was this?

How long have the two of you been married?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Even ignoring your husband being an ass, hiding a key outside the house is pretty stupid. It's not 1920... If you are worried about getting locked out then install a door lock that uses a code to get in. Some even connect to your phone so it unlocks when you get home and relocks when you close the door. 

I'd take things into my own hands, tell your husband no thanks and to stop being so dumb and move the key, and go get the new lock instead.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Elwicky said:


> That is exactly how it makes me feel, like he is treating me like a child...


does he do other things that make him seem untrustworthy?

mid really be wondering who is supposed to be using that key? It’s obviously not you. It’s a really mean move on his part.
And it’s not really about they key... this move means other things.

ya know - a kind and thoughtful spouse would hide a key - tell me where it’s located - and explain that it’s his backup plan in case I ever get locked out... thus creating a sense of security and willingness to make sure I’m taken care of.

needing to ask him first is juvenile... does he think he’s your parent?


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## Elwicky (May 26, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> This is what I figured. The issue is not really the key. It's a much bigger problem that you have in your relationship.
> 
> I would just ignore the key. If you feel you need a hidden key just incase, make your own and hide it. Or install combination locks and end the need to carry keys. The hidden key is not the hill you want to die on.
> 
> ...


 We're going on the fourth year of being married. We were together for three years before then and even then he didn't hide keys, he gave me a key to his place.

Yes we do have seperate accounts. His idea, which I was glad about when we first got married because his ex and his daughter were always calling him for more money. We did have a joint account and that was his idea but I put money in it once and saw that he never did in a whole three years so it got closed out.


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## Elwicky (May 26, 2020)

That was the first thing that came to mind...was just how he was making me feel like he was treating me like I am a child.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Elwicky said:


> That was the first thing that came to mind...was just how he was making me feel like he was treating me like I am a child.


no one can “MAKE” you feel any certain way. That comes from some history - so it’s not him causing YOUR feelings.

if he’s being a jerk - which he looks like he is - then tell him what his behavior looks like. Ask him if he intends to change that behavior. 

and if he’s got more evidence of being a jerk - then consider not staying with said jerk.
Life is too short to stay with a consistent jerk.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Don't feed the jerk.
Get your own key cut and hide it appropriately.
If he asks, your answer should be "I take care of my keys. I'm responsible enough not to lose them."


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Elwicky said:


> So I am wondering why my husband would tell me that he hid a key out in the yard and if I ever get locked out, I can call him and he will tell me where it is. I am not quite understanding why it has to be a secret. Am I wrong to think that is a little odd?


That's not odd it is weird and dangerous. Doesn't he realise that the vast majority of people who burglarise residential properties know exactly the kind of places were really smart, clever people like your husband tend to hide keys in their yards or gardens? 

He needs to stop nonsense like this ASAP.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Change the locks, lol. Tell him you did so because it's dangerous to leave keys outside and since he refused to tell you where he'd hidden it, he left you no choice.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Elwicky said:


> So I am wondering why my husband would tell me that he hid a key out in the yard and if I ever get locked out, I can call him and he will tell me where it is. I am not quite understanding why it has to be a secret. Am I wrong to think that is a little odd?


I think it's because he wants a way in if you ever lock him out.


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## Elwicky (May 26, 2020)

That may be....


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## boulderdecking (May 27, 2020)

I find him weird


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## Elwicky (May 26, 2020)

There are things that are different about him but I have always tried to be culturally understanding because he is Egyptian.


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