# Need to start communicating



## bguy

My wife and I are struggling bad. It’s all about trust . I have grown up in a family that lied on a regular basis, I struggle with that now and am in therapy for help. It’s been a long process It has been over a year since we have had an issue and I failed and lied about money . I talked to her about but it really has crushed her and has set us back so far. To the point that she is shut down , said she doesn’t know if this will work. Is open to talk , but avoids it and at times won’t wear her wedding ring. Yet she talks about the future with me , trips we booked and so on. She said I need to make my lies right , before she can even start to feel good , normal and build . how to i start talking and what does “ Make the lies right “ mean?


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## Laurentium

You need to ask her that question.

Edit to add: I see you had a thread about the same thing two months ago. How have things developed since then?


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## sunsetmist

She won't wear her wedding ring because she is disgusted with you--wants you to realize the seriousness of this situation.

If lying comes naturally to you, I doubt that you have not lied to her in over a year--even over little things. She is looking for change in you. LACK OF TRUST is a deal-breaker to many, so every time you open your mouth, stop and think. Do not enhance, minimize, or try to make yourself look better. Look her in the eye when you talk to her.

Sadly, most humans tell what they consider to be 'little white lies' several times a day. After you have asked her as @Laurentium suggested--'What does she need to make it right?' be pro-active, read about this subject. 

How did it feel to grow up in a family where you could not trust what anyone said?


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## bguy

You are correct. It did not feel good , and it always ended up back firing . She is disgusted with me . And yes i will not 100% say I didn’t lie to her about little things , because that’s not fair to say. I feel like I have failed her and I should not have stopped therapy a year ago just because I felt things were better . How do i go about daily trying to talk to her and show her I am commented to a new way , reform whatever you want to call it. How do I be transparent daily ?


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## sunsetmist

bguy said:


> You are correct. It did not feel good , and it always ended up back firing . She is disgusted with me . And yes i will not 100% say I didn’t lie to her about little things , because that’s not fair to say. I feel like I have failed her and I should not have stopped therapy a year ago just because I felt things were better . How do i go about daily trying to talk to her and show her I am commented to a new way , reform whatever you want to call it. How do I be transparent daily ?


Tell her what you said above. Always tell the truth--especially when it is hard. Read other threads here to see how sometimes the lying is considered the worst part of an affair. You need to change the beliefs you grew up with. Lying NEVER wins. Be an open book.

What was your lie about money? Read the current thread, "Is my wife lying?"


"Wife, I know I have failed you and I am committed to improve because you are important to me. I want you to be comfortable trusting me. What can I do to help you see this?"

What I've said above is far from easy to a liar and don't do this if you don't mean it and think you can follow through. The first time you are caught in a lie, you will be toast.


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## bguy

I lied about a raise . I was told I was getting a raise and it took months , I finally brought it up again and the owner ( I don’t work there anytime ) cut me a separate check with the difference and said he will do that every Sunday ( monday) and over the next few months he will work intonmy check. Well it last like 3 weeks . I brought it up over and over and he said money is too tight. I was embarrassed because I left a decent job to take this one and felt like I wasn’t doing a good job as a man , father and husband. I lied and said that he would get it handled soon and that he wa showing to get me money again soon. I waited awhile but finally brought it up to her . It was stupid and out of my control so I should have just told her the truth from the start .


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## Annabegins

I’m just commenting to say that if you felt like therapy was helping you, it’s probably time to start again... it takes a long time regain trust in a person, and I am sure your wife feels like this is starting over. Shes probably exhausted from trying. Seeing a therapist again on your own without her asking you to do it would at least show her that you’re aware it’s a problem and you’re trying to solve it. Good luck.


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## bguy

I have started , been going for a month ..maybe a little longer now. I shouldn’t have stopped when things get good. 39 years old and a lifetime of being one way ..sucks. I am over and yes she is exhausted and feels too defeated . It’s gotta be different now , our kids , friends and family support ..it’s time to end this no matter what ( the old ways of feeling insecure and lies )


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## bguy

Update : wife and I had a real rough conversation. I listened a lot and realize just how disappointed she is and upset . I told her that I am committed to this and her and myself. That 
I am going to do the work to change my behavior and asked if she could help but ultimately it’s on me and i need to make that choice .


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## aine

Lying destroys trust. Anything that destroys trust in a marriage is a huge problem because without trust in a marriage, you really have nothing, the foundation is gone. That is why cheating, lying, etc are all huge marriage busters. Be glad she is still with you.

Lastly, from your posts, it appears you like to talk alot, talk is ok but please stop talking to your wife and follow through with ACTION!


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## Mr.Married

Two things that are really bad for relationships: Lies and non-provision of financial security. And then you mixed both of them together.

Like it or not these are two foundations for a woman to feel comfortable in her relationship. She didn't take that ring off because it is the wrong size.

No trust = No wife (at least not for long)

I promise everyone in your circle of life has you labeled as a liar. You might be surprised how magically everything starts turning around if you learn to be honest.


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