# Men buying gifts



## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

Has your husband ever bought you a gift that hurt your feelings, and you ended up being the ungrateful one for not appreciating his effort.

Example: I saw the perfect walnut table for our living room, but it would need to be refinished. To me that was no big deal, it was gorgeous. Right color, right shape, etc.

So, he brings me home a similar table, in oak.

That doesn't seem too bad except I avoid oak furniture in my house because I dislike it, a LOT. He is mad and hurt because when I saw it I said "Its beautiful, but it is oak" He lost it. I spent the next two hours consoling him, and telling him I appreciate the thought, and even that it was probably a better match to our furniture than the walnut one I wanted.I thanked him for finding the table and trying so hard, but reminded him I don't like oak so he can't realistically expect me to think the table is perfect. 

I am still not living it down weeks later. If he gets the chance, I get criticized for being too picky and ungrateful. The only thing running through my mind is "Have you not heard me say I hate oak furniture time and again in the past 20 years?" 

Am I being petty? Or am I justified in feeling unheard and hurt, because he won't drop it?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I don’t think you should feel hurt because he didn’t listen to you. But I would be mad that he doesn’t drop it and makes it about him. 

Sometimes people are particular and there is nothing wrong with that. It sounds like you thanked him and nicely told him it’s not your taste. I think maybe you need to have another conversation with him about it since he keeps bringing it up. I personally can’t stand when people continue to be petty and won’t understand, drop it and move on.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Ed3n said:


> Has your husband ever bought you a gift that hurt your feelings, and you ended up being the ungrateful one for not appreciating his effort.
> 
> Example: I saw the perfect walnut table for our living room, but it would need to be refinished. To me that was no big deal, it was gorgeous. Right color, right shape, etc.
> 
> ...


*No pettiness! As long as you properly conveyed to him that you wanted the walnut table as a fix-up project, then he had no real business in bringing that oak table home!*


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

You guys have some serious communication problems if you can't say what you feel and he punishes you for expressing your feelings. Have you figured out why he is so hurt? Did he spend a lot of time looking for the perfect gift or not want to buy the exact one you chose because he wanted to surprise you? Or is there a long history of him feeling like he isn't appreciated? Likewise, is there a long history of him not really hearing you when you tell him things?


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

Bananapeel said:


> You guys have some serious communication problems if you can't say what you feel and he punishes you for expressing your feelings. Have you figured out why he is so hurt? Did he spend a lot of time looking for the perfect gift or not want to buy the exact one you chose because he wanted to surprise you? Or is there a long history of him feeling like he isn't appreciated? Likewise, is there a long history of him not really hearing you when you tell him things?


He is hurt because he thought he got me the perfect gift, totally forgetting I HATE OAK furniture. So he is hurt because I cannot let go of a dislike of Oak that I have had pretty much my entire life, just to fall in love with his gift. When I showed him the table I wanted I even said "Definitely this one, because it walnut and not oak!" So, its not like he had no idea I dislike oak (Lots of mentioning it over the years.) Yet, despite my dislike of oak, I did tell him it was a gorgeous table, and looked wonderful in the living room. It doesn't matter. I didn't swoon when I saw it. I said "It's beautiful but its oak" And that was it, now that table is an issue he can't get past. I am about to sell it, or burn it, I Haven't decided which. 

IF he feels that he is being picked on, in ANY way, I cannot have a rational conversation with him. That hasn't changed in 20 years, including with therapy. He is an only child, that has to be the center of attention, who NEVER does anything wrong (his words, not mine). We don't have communication problems, as long as I agree with everything he says. That's not going to change. Trust me, my therapist and I tried. It's just who he is. 99% of the time I couldn't ask for a better husband, and 1% of the time he is mean and hurtful, and I wonder why I marry him. I could be married to someone worse, like my ex.


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> I don’t think you should feel hurt because he didn’t listen to you. But I would be mad that he doesn’t drop it and makes it about him.
> 
> Sometimes people are particular and there is nothing wrong with that. It sounds like you thanked him and nicely told him it’s not your taste. I think maybe you need to have another conversation with him about it since he keeps bringing it up. I personally can’t stand when people continue to be petty and won’t understand, drop it and move on.


He hasn't listened to I don't like oak furniture for 20 years, and that's okay? I shouldn't feel hurt?

Having another conversation is pointless. He will tell me again how ungrateful and insensitive I am when he tried so hard to get me what I wanted. Trust me, NO part of me wanted an oak table! He won't drop it, until I basically k*ss his *** long enough, and grovel and apologize telling him how grateful I should be for him buying me anything.

This doesn't even include the pajamas he bought 2 sizes too big! I should he thrilled about those too.


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

arbitrator said:


> *No pettiness! As long as you properly conveyed to him that you wanted the walnut table as a fix-up project, then he had no real business in bringing that oak table home!*


Thank you! I stood next to the exact table, said this is EXACTLY what I want, even though it needs to be refinished. I couldn't have possibly been more clear. 

It took me years to find a walnut dining room table set, because I kept turning down oak. He is well aware that I dislike oak furniture. No other furniture in our home is oak.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Ed3n said:


> He hasn't listened to I don't like oak furniture for 20 years, and that's okay? I shouldn't feel hurt?
> 
> Having another conversation is pointless. He will tell me again how ungrateful and insensitive I am when he tried so hard to get me what I wanted. Trust me, NO part of me wanted an oak table! He won't drop it, until I basically k*ss his *** long enough, and grovel and apologize telling him how grateful I should be for him buying me anything.
> 
> This doesn't even include the pajamas he bought 2 sizes too big! I should he thrilled about those too.




My dad is the same way.

I guess my point is... he isn’t going to change. You can be mad and annoyed but it won’t fix anything.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Ed3n said:


> Has your husband ever bought you a gift that hurt your feelings, and you ended up being the ungrateful one for not appreciating his effort.
> 
> Example: I saw the perfect walnut table for our living room, but it would need to be refinished. To me that was no big deal, it was gorgeous. Right color, right shape, etc.
> 
> ...




No attempt to take sides, just offering a slightly different perspective: 

In your example, who did you expect would refinish the walnut table, you or him? Remember, an extra job tends to be no big deal to the person not doing it... Also, at any point, did you explain why you preferred the walnut table even though the oak was a better match to your furniture? Does he understand why in general you have detested oak so much in the past 20 years?

I bring this up because some men's minds are very analytical in nature. Requests that take more time or energy than they should or seem inefficient in nature are confusing to these types. Confusion sometimes breeds frustration and anger. It's possible that in his mind, he's thinking, "Ok, I put in effort to find something that looks better with our furniture, than what she found. But instead of appreciating what I did, she wants me to put even more effort into something that's going to look worse! This doesn't make sense! This is frustrating! Now I'm getting angry because she's angry with me for doing a more efficient job than what she wanted, and I still don't understand what I did wrong!"

Him knowing and understanding the motivation behind a request that's odd or seems inefficient, can be just as critical (if not more so) than the actual request itself. Just a thought. 

Good luck to you!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Edo Edo said:


> No attempt to take sides, just offering a slightly different perspective:
> 
> In your example, who did you expect would refinish the walnut table, you or him? Remember, an extra job tends to be no big deal to the person not doing it... Also, at any point, did you explain why you preferred the walnut table even though the oak was a better match to your furniture? Does he understand why in general you have detested oak so much in the past 20 years?
> 
> ...


This imho is the more re as l view.

My certain conflicts with dear W reduced drastically once I told myself there are certain things she wants, that may be different than me, and I'll never ever understand why....so I go with those things with her enthusiasm, and that's ok.

As long as the differences between things liked aren't hurtful financially or other, and in reality I don't care either way, I go with the flow.

If I'd brought home the oak table it would have been because I thought she'd like it; it was an old wood table that became available and I thought I did good by snatching it up. 

If dear W said I love you for thinking of me and your effort but it's not quite the one I've been looking for my path would have been ok, no worries let's get the one you want. I may not understand why but that's ok. I'm sure she has her reasons. Life goes on.

😎 let's go fool around 😍😍😍.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Ed3n said:


> Has your husband ever bought you a gift that hurt your feelings, and you ended up being the ungrateful one for not appreciating his effort.
> 
> Example: I saw the perfect walnut table for our living room, but it would need to be refinished. To me that was no big deal, it was gorgeous. Right color, right shape, etc.
> 
> ...


You like walnut furniture. You find walnut furniture. You advise your H you like a piece you have found. Your H gets you a piece of oak furniture that he liked better. That is the way I see it. Why would your H do that? Your H is not listening. In my experience, do ones best to purchase what the other likes/wants. Saves a bunch of heart and headache.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I remember one Xmas I bought my then husband a gift he didn't want... well, he hadn't asked for it that year. (he had told me more than once before it was something he wanted!!) He made me feel like complete crap over it, I cried off and on all day over it because he was being such an ass. He refused to return it! I had spent almost $200 on it and he wouldn't return it and get what he wanted! I only got exactly what he requested after that, no matter what it was. Which wasn't for very long because I divorced his nasty ass a couple years later.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Edo Edo said:


> *In your example, who did you expect would refinish the walnut table, you or him?*


I expect the answer to this question is the key. 
If you did plan on doing the work, was that made abundantly clear to him?


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> My dad is the same way.
> 
> I guess my point is... he isn’t going to change. You can be mad and annoyed but it won’t fix anything.


I am not mad, I am hurt.


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

Edo Edo said:


> No attempt to take sides, just offering a slightly different perspective:
> 
> In your example, who did you expect would refinish the walnut table, you or him? Remember, an extra job tends to be no big deal to the person not doing it... Also, at any point, did you explain why you preferred the walnut table even though the oak was a better match to your furniture? Does he understand why in general you have detested oak so much in the past 20 years?
> 
> ...


We have no other oak furniture in our home. I told him it looked great, and probably better than the one I want to diffuse the situation. I tried everything I could to make him feel better. Today, again, he blew up on me about the table because I simply asked him to please at least acknowledge that by getting the oak table I felt like he had no heard me for almost 20 years saying I dislike oak. When we shopped for a dining room set, I found a gorgeous set, the size and shape I need, but did not get it because it was oak. It took another year to find the right table. 

As for refinishing the table, I would have, just as I have all of the other furniture in our home that has needed it. I love the grain and look of walnut, and mahogany. They are so unusual and unique, unlike oak which all looks the same to me. He is aware of why I like the woods that I do, and he even has agreed with me. Until the table. Now it is some HUGE cloud hanging over us, no matter what I have tried to do. All I have wanted since he brought it home was something along the lines of "Honey, I know you don't like oak, but it was so beautiful, and everything you wanted, but you won't have to refinish it." (My mom has stage 4 cancer, so I am very busy and stressed with her). I just wanted some acknowledgement that he heard me for 20 years. Instead I am ungrateful, I won't admit that I am selfish and cruel, and any other nasty thing that pops into his head when I have tried to talk to him about it. 

I didn't think my request was odd for the table that needed refinishing. He knew I had been looking for months for a new table. I prefer real wood, so refinishing the perfect table is a labor of love. I enjoy it. He knows that. Or, at least I thought her did. 

I honestly don't understand his sheer anger over the table. IF I had bought him something he didn't like, I would apologize and try to fix it. Not blame him, berate him, belittle him in front of my mother and our kids. It's been horrible. All over a stupid table!


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

You are obviously not wrong for your preferences at all. However, I guess I'm just curious, what is your deal with oak? Ive seen all sorts of oak tables with different grain patterns and in different stains. 

Anyway, yeah I got my wife something once that I spent a lot of time on and overspent my budget because I thought she would really enjoy it. She loved it! Then said, its too much money so she decided to return it the next day lol. This was like 13 years ago. I've not forgotten. I don't bring it up or anything, but yeah that feeling sucks for the giver and leaves a little mark. Its really not a big deal, but it stings bad enough that you don't forget about it. So there is that. 

Also, oak is the best fire wood on the planet. Do whatever you want with that information... I just wouldn't ask him to split it down for you if that is the path you choose.


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

Rubix Cubed said:


> I expect the answer to this question is the key.
> If you did plan on doing the work, was that made abundantly clear to him?


Yes, he knew I would be doing the work. I have always painted and refinished any furniture in our home. I enjoy doing it. I used to repaint, and refinish my children's furniture as they got older and outgrew what they had. Sometimes my son would help, but usually I do it on my own.

I love taking something that looks old and ready for the trash pile, and turning it into something beautiful. My son still uses a dresser that I stripped and refinished over 30 years ago. My husband uses a dresser my great grandfather built out of fruit crates in the early 1900's and I painted it. 

I truly love old wood, and returning it to a beautiful piece of furniture. Especially if I know the story behind it. Im working on my mother's first "big girl" bed, but since I haven't worked with metal much, its taking longer. I will get it done though.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Ed3n said:


> Yes, he knew I would be doing the work. I have always painted and refinished any furniture in our home. I enjoy doing it. I used to repaint, and refinish my children's furniture as they got older and outgrew what they had. Sometimes my son would help, but usually I do it on my own.
> 
> I love taking something that looks old and ready for the trash pile, and turning it into something beautiful. My son still uses a dresser that I stripped and refinished over 30 years ago. My husband uses a dresser my great grandfather built out of fruit crates in the early 1900's and I painted it.
> 
> I truly love old wood, and returning it to a beautiful piece of furniture. Especially if I know the story behind it. Im working on my mother's first "big girl" bed, but since I haven't worked with metal much, its taking longer. I will get it done though.


Trying to figure out his motivation .... just doesn't make sense. 

How much was the walnut table? Is it about money?


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> You are obviously not wrong for your preferences at all. However, I guess I'm just curious, what is your deal with oak? Ive seen all sorts of oak tables with different grain patterns and in different stains.
> 
> Anyway, yeah I got my wife something once that I spent a lot of time on and overspent my budget because I thought she would really enjoy it. She loved it! Then said, its too much money so she decided to return it the next day lol. This was like 13 years ago. I've not forgotten. I don't bring it up or anything, but yeah that feeling sucks for the giver and leaves a little mark. Its really not a big deal, but it stings bad enough that you don't forget about it. So there is that.
> 
> Also, oak is the best fire wood on the planet. Do whatever you want with that information...


I was surrounded by oak my entire childhood. When I moved out at 18, I bought used furniture and refinished it, and realized that I love how walnut, mahogany and cherry look and feel. Oak is great for my wood burning stove, but I don't like it as furniture. Would it be any different if I disliked microsuede and he bought me a new microsuede sofa set? Am I supposed to just love it because he bought it for me? I love the effort, and he got the look and shape of the table right, and I even said "It is a beautiful table, but it's oak." I never even hinted that it had to go, or that I didn't want it. 

Like I said previously I spent hours telling him how beautiful it was, and how much I appreciate his effort. He is mad because I said "It's oak" and wasn't instantly grateful. To me that it petty and childish. I wasn't rude to him, and have been trying to make amends for over a week. He has been to me though, in front of everyone, and he has been saying what an ungrateful person I am, and that nobody can do anything good enough for me, etc. It's not true, even a little. All because I said "Its oak" he has made everything I say or do into me being selfish, rude, thoughtless, or any other derogatory thing he can think of. I try to talk to him, it last 3 seconds, and then he is yelling at me telling me I won't admit that I was wrong for what I did. 

At this point all I can do is tell him he was right, and I was a horrible person for not loving his gift. Including nightgowns that we could both fit in (over 2 sizes to big) that I have also been told I am ungrateful for. If I bought him clothes that didn't fit, I'd offer to fix it, not berate him for being ungrateful. So I guess I get to just agree that I am a horrible human being, and should be grateful that he bought me anything at all. 

The gifts I bought him, he loves, and brags about to the guys at work. He shows them off and uses them every day. So, he is happy, and I am a cold hearted, selfish, unappreciative wife, and he won't even bother trying next year. That's where we're at right now.


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

SadSamIAm said:


> Trying to figure out his motivation .... just doesn't make sense.
> 
> How much was the walnut table? Is it about money?


The walnut table was at a thrift store for around $35. It was ornately carved, and gorgeous beneath the degraded (clear coat was worn off) finish. Easily fixable, and it was one of the most beautiful tables I had seen in that size and style. I would have bought it on the spot, but he said no, he needed gift ideas for me. 

I have no idea how much the oak table was.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Ed3n said:


> Yes, he knew I would be doing the work. I have always painted and refinished any furniture in our home. I enjoy doing it. I used to repaint, and refinish my children's furniture as they got older and outgrew what they had. Sometimes my son would help, but usually I do it on my own.
> 
> I love taking something that looks old and ready for the trash pile, and turning it into something beautiful. My son still uses a dresser that I stripped and refinished over 30 years ago. My husband uses a dresser my great grandfather built out of fruit crates in the early 1900's and I painted it.
> 
> I truly love old wood, and returning it to a beautiful piece of furniture. Especially if I know the story behind it. Im working on my mother's first "big girl" bed, but since I haven't worked with metal much, its taking longer. I will get it done though.


 Well, now maybe it's time you learned a new skill. Faux wood finishing. You can make your oak table Faux walnut. If you screw it up you have an excuse to go get the Walnut table. Everybody wins ... kind of.

Another idea is to use a propane torch and scorch the wood to get unique detail. Then refinish with clear.


.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You have a lot on your mind at this time including a very ill mother.The last thing you need is this ******* having a hissy fit because you didn’t get down on your knees and thank him for buying something that he knew you didn’t like.
To me there is more to this.He did this deliberately.He is trying to piss you off and he is succeeding.
Quit apologizing and if he starts more bs just tell him to **** off.
And take his oak table with him.


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> This imho is the more re as l view.
> 
> My certain conflicts with dear W reduced drastically once I told myself there are certain things she wants, that may be different than me, and I'll never ever understand why....so I go with those things with her enthusiasm, and that's ok.
> 
> ...


I wish that is how he thought. If I had bought him the wrong gift, I would have joked about it, and then replaced it with something special that I knew he had wanted but never got. Instead, he gets mad. I am hurt, and if I say I am hurt, he get furious. It is all so pointless. Normally we're happy, but lately....he acts like I am evil.


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Well, now maybe it's time you learned a new skill. Faux wood finishing. You can make your oak table Faux walnut. If you screw it up you have an excuse to go get the Walnut table. Everybody wins ... kind of.
> 
> Another idea is to use a propane torch and scorch the wood to get unique detail. Then refinish with clear.
> 
> ...


Or, I could have a nice fire in the wood stove. Then the table wouldn't be an issue anymore. Seriously though, I am fine with the table. I have told him that countless time, but because I wasn't instantly grateful, he has turned it into a major issue. It is a beautiful table. I am even getting used to it being okay. The table isn't the problem, him treating me horribly now is.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

He needs to let this go, and so do you.

I’m guessing you do things that make him feel like he is unhappy in his marriage to you 1% of the time also. Call this a draw.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Ed3n said:


> Has your husband ever bought you a gift that hurt your feelings, and you ended up being the ungrateful one for not appreciating his effort.
> 
> Example: I saw the perfect walnut table for our living room, but it would need to be refinished. To me that was no big deal, it was gorgeous. Right color, right shape, etc.
> 
> ...


I would not regard a house item as a gift to me personally. It is for the family home and not my gift. There would never be a need for me to be grateful or ungrateful. Its something we both use. 

You are not being petty at all. If it is generally agreed that you are responsible for choosing home furniture, then he should let you pick which table you think best and not give alternatives.

On real gifts, the worst thing to get me is a voucher from a shop or an item of clothing. Better a voucher from such as Amazon where I have real choice. I don't like gifts such as holidays or events either unless I have specifically asked for one. my best gift is a cash transfer to my account.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Ed3n said:


> We have no other oak furniture in our home. I told him it looked great, and probably better than the one I want to diffuse the situation. I tried everything I could to make him feel better. Today, again, he blew up on me about the table because I simply asked him to please at least acknowledge that by getting the oak table I felt like he had no heard me for almost 20 years saying I dislike oak. When we shopped for a dining room set, I found a gorgeous set, the size and shape I need, but did not get it because it was oak. It took another year to find the right table.
> 
> As for refinishing the table, I would have, just as I have all of the other furniture in our home that has needed it. I love the grain and look of walnut, and mahogany. They are so unusual and unique, unlike oak which all looks the same to me. He is aware of why I like the woods that I do, and he even has agreed with me. Until the table. Now it is some HUGE cloud hanging over us, no matter what I have tried to do. All I have wanted since he brought it home was something along the lines of "Honey, I know you don't like oak, but it was so beautiful, and everything you wanted, but you won't have to refinish it." (My mom has stage 4 cancer, so I am very busy and stressed with her). I just wanted some acknowledgement that he heard me for 20 years. Instead I am ungrateful, I won't admit that I am selfish and cruel, and any other nasty thing that pops into his head when I have tried to talk to him about it.
> 
> ...




I was offering a possible perspective, as I don't know either of you. I frankly don't understand his intensity about the table either. And I'm wondering if you left out an important detail in this exchange, like you slept with his dad on the table or kicked his dog or something... (obviously joking...)

In all seriousness though, this level and duration of anger is at best childish but could be signs of something worse. Mental disorder? Loss of feelings for you in general? Does he show signs of aggression in other aspects of his life...?


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Ed3n said:


> I was surrounded by oak my entire childhood. When I moved out at 18, I bought used furniture and refinished it, and realized that I love how walnut, mahogany and cherry look and feel. Oak is great for my wood burning stove, but I don't like it as furniture. Would it be any different if I disliked microsuede and he bought me a new microsuede sofa set? Am I supposed to just love it because he bought it for me? I love the effort, and he got the look and shape of the table right, and I even said "It is a beautiful table, but it's oak." I never even hinted that it had to go, or that I didn't want it.
> 
> Like I said previously I spent hours telling him how beautiful it was, and how much I appreciate his effort. He is mad because I said "It's oak" and wasn't instantly grateful. To me that it petty and childish. I wasn't rude to him, and have been trying to make amends for over a week. He has been to me though, in front of everyone, and he has been saying what an ungrateful person I am, and that nobody can do anything good enough for me, etc. It's not true, even a little. All because I said "Its oak" he has made everything I say or do into me being selfish, rude, thoughtless, or any other derogatory thing he can think of. I try to talk to him, it last 3 seconds, and then he is yelling at me telling me I won't admit that I was wrong for what I did.
> 
> ...


I never said you were wrong for your preferences I was just curious on the oak thing. 

He's acting like a baby. I would go to the store and pick up some diapers and a pacifier. Next time he pouts about this, whip them out and say "here's your new gift you big ****ing baby" 

Either that or just ignore him, go buy the table you want and start working on it. Keep a pocket full of pacifiers on you at all times. If he makes some comment just throw one at him and say "here's your binkie" then pay him no attention afterwards. 

Going forward I would skip the gift giving. Gifts for Christmas is for little kids anyway. Clearly your husband is showing what a little kid he is being. You guys are adults and can buy whatever you want and can afford all year round anyway. I really don't understand why adults still exchange gifts at Christmas


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Ed3n said:


> Has your husband ever bought you a gift that hurt your feelings, and you ended up being the ungrateful one for not appreciating his effort.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Buy these things together. A table for the house: how is this a gift for ‘you’? It’s just a thing for the house and just make these decisions together so no one gets disappointed. 

I do get very anxious when my wife buys me gifts because I just KNOW it’s something I will probably never use...

Me? I only buy perfect gifts. And the only time I remember my wife ‘loosing it’ was when I bought her a very expensive vibrator (that also has electrical stimulation to improve the vaginal muscles without having to do the Kegels)...I explained to her how much thought went into it (and how much I love, adore and care the well-being of her Vajayjay). She looked at it, then at me, with a look that resembled a mixture of confusion and rage, and then electrocuted the crap out of me with it.

Good thing I didn’t buy anything for the anal muscles...That could have hurt me more.

Sometimes you just have to wonder why they don’t appreciate how much thought we put into these things...  

Anyway. I think I made up by buying her another electrical gift later on (Tesla). She uses it more and her Vajayjay is pretty good anyways. So the vibratory is now in a drawer next to other ‘least accessed items’, such as the ‘goldfish walker’ (anniversary present) and ‘banana holding case’ (last christmas present).

This woman has everything so it’s difficult to find something....different.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> You are obviously not wrong for your preferences at all. However, I guess I'm just curious, what is your deal with oak? Ive seen all sorts of oak tables with different grain patterns and in different stains.
> 
> Anyway, yeah I got my wife something once that I spent a lot of time on and overspent my budget because I thought she would really enjoy it. She loved it! Then said, its too much money so she decided to return it the next day lol. This was like 13 years ago. I've not forgotten. I don't bring it up or anything, but yeah that feeling sucks for the giver and leaves a little mark. Its really not a big deal, but it stings bad enough that you don't forget about it. So there is that.
> 
> Also, oak is the best fire wood on the planet. Do whatever you want with that information... I just wouldn't ask him to split it down for you if that is the path you choose.




Wow, your wife is gold! If my wife returned all the presents I ever gave her (including the ones she ever gave me), we could buy another few houses!  
It’s great to have a money-conscious wife, dude.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Ed3n said:


> Or, I could have a nice fire in the wood stove. Then the table wouldn't be an issue anymore. Seriously though, I am fine with the table. I have told him that countless time, but because I wasn't instantly grateful, he has turned it into a major issue. It is a beautiful table. I am even getting used to it being okay. The table isn't the problem, him treating me horribly now is.


It is not the table, it is that he should remember that *you don't like oak* and the free-for-all afterward is creating massive resentment.

Does he by any chance have ADD? Immature actions in other areas of life? Also seems like he wants to supplement whatever you say to give him a bit of input, if not control? 

I'd start writing down exactly what I want--location, item, price, etc.--he may be a visual learner. 

You see a special item and add work, love, and memories creating something even more special.. He sees shiny new as better and he probably like oak. If he is good say 90% of the time, you are fortunate. Tell him calmly that your marriage, love, relationship are more important than the whole table debacle and you would like for both of you to drop the dissension.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Has it occurred to you that he went back to the thrift store to buy the table you wanted and it was gone? And then he not only remembered what the table looked like (miracle, most men wouldn’t) but then searched one out like it. That is pretty loving and was probably pretty time-consuming. I would be pretty upset by your initial reaction too. His choices at that point were to buy you oak or give you a Wayfair gift card. Which would you complain less about?

Your entire post is based on the hurt of him not listening to you - but he DID. He just couldn’t deliver 100%. And your “but it is oak” comment negates everything he put into it. I doubt he would react so fiercely to this if it was the first time you belittled him and his efforts. 

Now if you go the thrift store and that table is still there, that is a whole different story...


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Bluesclues said:


> Has it occurred to you that he went back to the thrift store to buy the table you wanted and it was gone?


I think Mr. Man-Child would have *told* her that right up front as soon as he gave it to her. That would have been the first thing he'd likely tell her - "I tried to get the one you wanted but it was already gone, so I got this one for you instead."

Yeah. Not happening. 

And OP, I'm right with you. Oak furniture is the ugliest and cheapest looking **** on the planet. I don't allow any oak at ALL in my house and that includes staircase handrails and posts, etc. etc. :grin2:


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

Bluesclues said:


> Has it occurred to you that he went back to the thrift store to buy the table you wanted and it was gone? And then he not only remembered what the table looked like (miracle, most men wouldn’t) but then searched one out like it. That is pretty loving and was probably pretty time-consuming. I would be pretty upset by your initial reaction too. His choices at that point were to buy you oak or give you a Wayfair gift card. Which would you complain less about?
> 
> Your entire post is based on the hurt of him not listening to you - but he DID. He just couldn’t deliver 100%. And your “but it is oak” comment negates everything he put into it. I doubt he would react so fiercely to this if it was the first time you belittled him and his efforts.
> 
> Now if you go the thrift store and that table is still there, that is a whole different story...


Considering I saw the table I asked for after he gave me the oak one, no, I haven't considered that he went to get it and it was gone. Although, he did try to tell me that. 

I don't overreact to a gift I dislike, I was raised better than that. I am mad that I have been getting berated by him for mentioning the table was oak. I told him to sell it, burn it, or let it go. I'm done getting told how ungrateful I am, when I have repeatedly tried to smooth things over between us.


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

Spicy said:


> He needs to let this go, and so do you.
> 
> I’m guessing you do things that make him feel like he is unhappy in his marriage to you 1% of the time also. Call this a draw.


I haven't been the one keeping it going. I tried desperately to stop things from getting out of hand the night he gave me the table. He has kept it going.

As for how often I make him unhappy, its a lot higher than 1%. He is a LOT more sensitive than I am, it was one of the things I found so endearing about him when we met. Now, I get told I treat him horribly over minor things. Even the kids (who are 21 and 25, and he asks their opinion) tell him he is treating me like dirt, or overreacting to the things he gets upset over.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Is it possible that he doesn't understand the distinction between oak and walnut? It is clearly important to you, but maybe he is thinking "wood". 

My wife usually gets me gifts that are very nice and show real thought. A while back though she got me a gift of a new shower head in my bathroom. She had noticed that I like standing under warm showers when we travel, so got me a rainshower type shower head. Very thoughtful - and completely wrong because in the mornings I want to shower quickly and get going to work. Still, even though it wasn't want I wanted, I really appreciated that she *tried* to get me something thoughtful. 




Ed3n said:


> Has your husband ever bought you a gift that hurt your feelings, and you ended up being the ungrateful one for not appreciating his effort.
> 
> Example: I saw the perfect walnut table for our living room, but it would need to be refinished. To me that was no big deal, it was gorgeous. Right color, right shape, etc.
> 
> ...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Ed3n said:


> Spicy said:
> 
> 
> > He needs to let this go, and so do you.
> ...


It sounds like he has an issue: extremely sensitive and cannot be wrong, you can't share your thoughts and feelings, and he tries to make YOU responsible for his feelings instead of him being responsible for them. He sees things as a slight that are not slights.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Ed3n said:


> He is hurt because he thought he got me the perfect gift, totally forgetting I HATE OAK furniture. So he is hurt because I cannot let go of a dislike of Oak that I have had pretty much my entire life, just to fall in love with his gift. When I showed him the table I wanted I even said "Definitely this one, because it walnut and not oak!" So, its not like he had no idea I dislike oak (Lots of mentioning it over the years.) Yet, despite my dislike of oak, I did tell him it was a gorgeous table, and looked wonderful in the living room. It doesn't matter. I didn't swoon when I saw it. I said "It's beautiful but its oak" And that was it, now that table is an issue he can't get past. I am about to sell it, or burn it, I Haven't decided which.
> 
> IF he feels that he is being picked on, in ANY way, I cannot have a rational conversation with him. That hasn't changed in 20 years, including with therapy. He is an only child, that has to be the center of attention, who NEVER does anything wrong (his words, not mine). We don't have communication problems, as long as I agree with everything he says. That's not going to change. Trust me, my therapist and I tried. It's just who he is. 99% of the time I couldn't ask for a better husband, and 1% of the time he is mean and hurtful, and I wonder why I marry him. I could be married to someone worse, like my ex.


I think you should cook his least favorite food for dinner, then throw a tantrum when he doesn't swoon over all your hard work and suddenly start loving that food.

It sounds like what I've heard about narcissism. You dislike oak, not him. He is taking it personally when it has nothing to do with him. 

I am curious, has he acknowledged that HE REMEMBERED you didn't like oak when he picked it out?

You said "We don't have communication problems, as long as I agree with everything he says." Ugggh, he's my ex. Things were wonderful, he was great, as long as everything was going his way and I was in 100% compliance with his plan and agreement with him.

MY ADVICE
Maybe you are already doing this, but I would be 100% NOT apologetic when he brings it up. I would just matter of factly say something like "correct, I really hate oak." or "Yep. I still love you and I still hate oak." or "I don't understand why you're taking my taste in wood personally, but this is my home too and I don't want oak in it. not even oak given to me by the love of my life."

But you have done nothing wrong so don't let him use his moods to manipulate you into apologizing or walking on eggshells around him. Let his spoiled child attitude be his problem.

AN IDEA - 
As a fellow "OAK HATER!" I have actually fantasized about some of the things I'd like to do to oak. One of my favorite fantasies is to get some wood filler type stuff and smear it all over it to get rid of that God-awful grain and make it smoother. Then stain it the color I want. I don't know if that would work but if there is a paint color you would like for the table you could fill in the grain then prime then paint it. And if it doesn't work out, then burn it.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Hold on you wanted your husband to buy you a $35 thrift store walnut? dining table set? And you came to us to complain that he is a bad gift chooser. 

You claim that you have HATEd oak for your whole life, and he should have known that. You also claim that he is always right his opinion rules and that has not even thought about changing for 20 years. And then you act all surprised that he bought an oak table.

OK I get it, you want to feel hurt and offended, and you are doing a Great job of it. You can keep this going all year, or for another 20 years if you want to. I'm not sure why you want this but you are a grown ass woman. And you are perfectly welcome to make this choice.

This year I forgot what I was going to buy for my wife. 2 weeks before christmas I told her I had no idea what to get for her. Her reply was you said you were getting me a kindle. So I did. But I couldn't remember what color cover she wanted. I tried to call her to double check, but it was one of those days when she doesn't answer her phone. To her credit she has not said one thing about the burgundy cover I chose. To her even greater credit she hasn't said a thing about the obnoxious orange cover I got for my older kindle.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

inmyprime said:


> Wow, your wife is gold! If my wife returned all the presents I ever gave her (including the ones she ever gave me), we could buy another few houses!
> It’s great to have a money-conscious wife, dude.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Its great if you have the option of being money-conscious. Its quite different if you have to be out of necessity.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Ed3n said:


> Considering I saw the table I asked for after he gave me the oak one, no, I haven't considered that he went to get it and it was gone. Although, he did try to tell me that.


That's about as LAME as it gets.

He just needs to be *****-slapped at this point.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Honestly, I think that you both need to drop the subject and grow up a bit. Your husband obviously didn't hear your request about the other table. Maybe he just wasn't listening at the time, or maybe he had tuned you out, both of which are wrong when your SO is speaking. He needs to get better at hearing you. If you really need to keep rehashing this table subject, sit down, tell him how you're feeling, and then you guys both take the table and return it. Get the catalyst out of the house, because as long as it's there, I don't think either of you will let it drop.

I get that you're hurt; I've been there too. My XH was notorious for buying me gifts that HE liked or would want for himself, he rarely thought of who he was giving it to. So, I get it. It really comes down to how well a person knows the other person. You'd think that after 20 years though, your husband would know you better.

ETA, his berating you about the purchased table is a crap move on his part.


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

Mr. Nail said:


> Hold on you wanted your husband to buy you a $35 thrift store walnut? dining table set? And you came to us to complain that he is a bad gift chooser.
> 
> You claim that you have HATEd oak for your whole life, and he should have known that. You also claim that he is always right his opinion rules and that has not even thought about changing for 20 years. And then you act all surprised that he bought an oak table.
> 
> ...


It wasn't a dining room set, and he didn't buy it from a thrift store. The oak table is NOT the issue, as i have stated several times. How he is treating me simply because I mentioned it was oak is. I am doing a great job of being hurt and offended, because my husband keeps hurting and offending me. Sure, this is all my fault, and I should just apologize and tell him how sorry I am that I my feelings were hurt when he yelled at me, told me I was ungrateful, and all of the other numerous hurtful and cruel things he has said over a stupid table. 

If he had said I know you don't like oak, but it was the best I could do, I would have thanked him profusely for trying. He didn't do that, he made me out to be an evil ***** over a table that I spent hours telling him that I was fine with, even it being oak. It's not me holding the grudge. It hasn't been since the day he brought the table home. HE brings it up. HE starts the fights. So, yeah, it's all my fault. Whatever.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Ed3n So, if your husband sees something he likes that is made out of oak, he can't have it because you don't like oak? 

Actually, I take the safe option I leave all furniture buying up to my wife. She has interior design and decorating qualifications, so that makes sense for us.

PS. Did your husband actually recognise it as oak?


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

No...it isn’t about the table at all. This reminds me of telling my XH for 10 years that I don’t like toast. Well, he made weekend breakfasts (which was very nice) and EVERY time, piles up a stack of TOAST on my plate. Seems a small thing and I never made much of a fuss but it was one of the many “small” things that eventually piled up and killed our marriage. Did toast kill our marriage? No, but the lack of communication and caring for who I was and what I thought and felt was. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Mr. Nail said:


> Hold on you wanted your husband to buy you a $35 thrift store walnut? dining table set? And you came to us to complain that he is a bad gift chooser.
> 
> You claim that you have HATEd oak for your whole life, and he should have known that. You also claim that he is always right his opinion rules and that has not even thought about changing for 20 years. And then you act all surprised that he bought an oak table.
> 
> ...


Except that was NOT what she said. She said she has always said she didn't like oak. All their marriage. Then when he bought her a table that was oak, she did not sulk and pout she merely said "but it's oak." (Granted we can't hear HOW she said that.) But *she didn't want the oak table*.

*He i*s the one who is sulking and griping and calling her an ingrate because she doesn't like what he bought her, simply because *he* bought it for her. *He *is telling her she is supposed to somehow "make herself like it" because he bought it, and *he *won't drop the subject and keeps bringing it up and pouting about it.

I know some people you can never please with a gift, and they suck the life out of you. But furniture and home decor is right there, in your face, every day for years. Would you want someone you care about to pretend to like something they really didn't, just for your feelings when they then have to look at it every day? If you cooked a dish for your wife and she really hated it because of some ingredient she disliked, would you want her to lie to you and say this is yummy so you keep making it and she keeps choking it down for years?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Bluesclues said:


> Your entire post is based on the hurt of him not listening to you - but he DID. He just couldn’t deliver 100%. And your “but it is oak” comment negates everything he put into it. I doubt he would react so fiercely to this if it was the first time you belittled him and his efforts.
> 
> Now if you go the thrift store and that table is still there, that is a whole different story...


My take away was that her entire post was about him being hurt that she didn't love the table he picked out and that he won't stop bringing it up and berating her for not liking it and calling her petty because of her taste.

She didn't go on about her being hurt, she went on about him going on about being hurt. When he bought her something she's made clear many times she didn't like. I'm not sure yet but it doesn't sound like her forgot she didn't like oak, it sounds like he put a lot of time and energy into finding something close to what she wanted and when what he found was oak, he felt she should overlook that part of the table.

To me, that's like taking an Amaretto cheese case to someone who loves plain cheesecake but hates Amaretto then being mad at them when they don't somehow make themselves like it.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

uhtred said:


> Is it possible that he doesn't understand the distinction between oak and walnut? It is clearly important to you, but maybe he is thinking "wood".
> 
> My wife usually gets me gifts that are very nice and show real thought. A while back though she got me a gift of a new shower head in my bathroom. She had noticed that I like standing under warm showers when we travel, so got me a rainshower type shower head. Very thoughtful - and completely wrong because in the mornings I want to shower quickly and get going to work. Still, even though it wasn't want I wanted, I really appreciated that she *tried* to get me something thoughtful.


So did you keep the rain shower head and not tell her you need a fast shower in the morning? 

If you did tell her "thank you so much, but unfortunately the water comes out too slow in the morning." Did she berate you for days calling you an ingrate?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

EXACTLY. I wonder if some of these people even read your post. 



Ed3n said:


> It wasn't a dining room set, and he didn't buy it from a thrift store. The oak table is NOT the issue, as i have stated several times. How he is treating me simply because I mentioned it was oak is. I am doing a great job of being hurt and offended, because my husband keeps hurting and offending me. Sure, this is all my fault, and I should just apologize and tell him how sorry I am that I my feelings were hurt when he yelled at me, told me I was ungrateful, and all of the other numerous hurtful and cruel things he has said over a stupid table.
> 
> If he had said I know you don't like oak, but it was the best I could do, I would have thanked him profusely for trying. He didn't do that, he made me out to be an evil ***** over a table that I spent hours telling him that I was fine with, even it being oak. It's not me holding the grudge. It hasn't been since the day he brought the table home. HE brings it up. HE starts the fights. So, yeah, it's all my fault. Whatever.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I still have it. Its not a big deal, just a very minor inconvenience - when she was trying to do something to make my life better.

Very minor on the scale of things.




WorkingWife said:


> So did you keep the rain shower head and not tell her you need a fast shower in the morning?
> 
> If you did tell her "thank you so much, but unfortunately the water comes out too slow in the morning." Did she berate you for days calling you an ingrate?


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> @Ed3n So, if your husband sees something he likes that is made out of oak, he can't have it because you don't like oak?
> 
> Actually, I take the safe option I leave all furniture buying up to my wife. She has interior design and decorating qualifications, so that makes sense for us.
> 
> PS. Did your husband actually recognise it as oak?


Generally speaking, the interior of the house is my preference, although we have pretty similar taste. The garage, that is his domain. I expect him to respect my dislike of oak, and not to randomly bring home furniture (which he doesn't do). I also respect his dislike of my rearranging his garage. Until the table, we have never had a disagreement in 20 years about furniture. The issue has been resolved at this point, and he has apologized. He knew it was oak, he just thought that since it was honey oak, I might be okay with it. The table is beautiful (the shape and engraving work on it is magnificent). Too bad we have no oak other furniture in the entire house. That won't change.


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

WorkingWife said:


> Except that was NOT what she said. She said she has always said she didn't like oak. All their marriage. Then when he bought her a table that was oak, she did not sulk and pout she merely said "but it's oak." (Granted we can't hear HOW she said that.) But *she didn't want the oak table*.
> 
> [


To sum things up:

I can't stand oak. Growing up in the 80s EVERYTHING was oak, or more like faux oak (oak veneer with that gold strip on the edge, remember that look?). It lacks character, and it all looked the same. To me it is really no different than a color preference. How many people would be thrilled to have a room painted a color they hated? Then get yelled and, and insulted for weeks, because the other person took the time to paint it that hideous color? No one I know! 

As for how I said it.

I said "It's beautiful! But, it's oak" in a lighthearted voice, surprised that it was oak actually. I did not sneer, and complain, I commented on the kind of wood it was. He then got mad, pouted, and I spent two hours telling him the shape and engraving on the table was amazing, and it truly was a beautiful table. I am just not a fan of oak. I also said that I would get used to it because it fit the area well, and is just the shape and size I wanted. I mentioned multiple times that I appreciated his effort, and I am sorry if I ruined it for him by saying "Its oak" which came out of my mouth before I even thought about it. I was a bit surprised that it was oak, since he knows I dislike it, and we own no other oak furniture. He was hurt, and wouldn't back down, for weeks. He has finally stopped bringing it up, thankfully!

In over 20 years together he has only bought me one gift that I was actually mad about, and that was a set of plates I said "Do not buy me those please." when he asked if I liked a set. Not in a nasty mean way, just "Please don't!" Well, guess what I got for Christmas! He said he panicked, apologized profusely, and said he would fix it. He took them back the next day, and took me shopping for the set I wanted, and all was fine. We still use them daily. (17 years later)

I am not some harpy wife who whines and complains over every little thing. Usually I love his gifts, even if they aren't perfect, because I know he tries so hard to make me happy. (I wasn't even upset over the table!) He has also hand made me a few amazing gifts that I will always treasure. In this situation, I was on the receiving end of his hostility, and not the other way around. I kept trying to diffuse the situation from the first night, until finally tonight I was sick of hearing it. I had spent the day with my mother, and was telling him about her latest test results, and giving her a haircut to cheer her up. He said that he realized that his fighting with me was only causing me more pain and stress when I am about at my breaking point, and the table wasn't worth it. He was right.


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

Ursula said:


> Honestly, I think that you both need to drop the subject and grow up a bit. Your husband obviously didn't hear your request about the other table. Maybe he just wasn't listening at the time, or maybe he had tuned you out, both of which are wrong when your SO is speaking. He needs to get better at hearing you. If you really need to keep rehashing this table subject, sit down, tell him how you're feeling, and then you guys both take the table and return it. Get the catalyst out of the house, because as long as it's there, I don't think either of you will let it drop.
> 
> I get that you're hurt; I've been there too. My XH was notorious for buying me gifts that HE liked or would want for himself, he rarely thought of who he was giving it to. So, I get it. It really comes down to how well a person knows the other person. You'd think that after 20 years though, your husband would know you better.
> 
> ETA, his berating you about the purchased table is a crap move on his part.


I tried to drop the subject since the night he brought the table home. He is the one who kept bringing it up, yelling at me, berating me, and guilt-tripping me for weeks. I tried talking to him rationally several times, only to have him call me ungrateful, petty, etc. I told him it is a gorgeous table, and it is. I don't even mind keeping it because it looks great where its at. I just mentioned it was oak, to his displeasure. I had NO idea he would get so bent out of shape over it. 
I came on here, because I was so blown away by his reaction because he had never done anything like it before. He usually buys or makes me wonderful gifts. As I have said, the table is beautiful, its just oak. Which I told him I would be fine with because it was everything else I wanted in a table (size, shape, etc)

My mother is dying (stage 4 NE Cancer that is aggressive), so this was my last Christmas with her. So, for him to take out whatever petty bs he had over that table on me was WRONG. It was mean, spiteful and childish. I tried being nice, because ALL I wanted was to enjoy one last Christmas with my mother. He couldn't let it drop. So, yeah, it became an issue because I can barely get through the day without choking back tears, and his big concern is that I didn't ooh and ahh over a table in a wood he KNOWS I dislike. I didn't give a **** about the table after the first night when he went off on me over it. Yet, I still tried to work things out with him, to make the holiday a happy one. It just didn't work. 

Who gets so bent out of shape over a gift not being perfect? Not me! He bought me pajamas 2 sizes to big, and I laughed and said "We'll both fit! Cuddle jammies!" When I give someone the wrong gift, I expect them to return it, not make my life a living ****. Thankfully, he is finally over it and has apologized. Too bad I won't get another Christmas to enjoy with my mother.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I can't believe we are fixating on the oak. The husband not only is turning a deaf ear to his wife's desires (I hate beans. HATE them. Right or wrong?? Whatever.) He is pissy about the fact that she made one comment. How hard is that?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> I can't believe we are fixating on the oak. The husband not only is turning a deaf ear to his wife's desires (I hate beans. HATE them. Right or wrong?? Whatever.) He is pissy about the fact that she made one comment. How hard is that?


I agree. His reaction is the problem. OP, I'd have a hard time trusting him, because you never know how you might be blind sided by such an unreasonable and persistent reaction again. Maybe in a little bit you could talk to him about this.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Livvie said:


> I agree. His reaction is the problem. OP, I'd have a hard time trusting him, because you never know how you might be blind sided by such an unreasonable and persistent reaction again. Maybe in a little bit you could talk to him about this.



I agree, I'd give it some time, but I'd be very curious to know why he was so upset and dug in about it.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Ed3n said:


> Thankfully, he is finally over it and has apologized. Too bad I won't get another Christmas to enjoy with my mother.


So sorry about your mother. :-( When he apologized did he explain at all why he reacted so strongly? You mentioned the two of you have been in counselling. Has a therapist ever mentioned his being narcissistic?


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

WorkingWife said:


> So sorry about your mother. :-( When he apologized did he explain at all why he reacted so strongly? You mentioned the two of you have been in counselling. Has a therapist ever mentioned his being narcissistic?


He never really explained his reaction, and I honestly don't expect him to. Our therapist actually told him "Your wife is the one of the most honest people that I have ever talked to, and really knows herself well. Have you ever bothered to listen to her?" when we went years ago. Nope, he still thinks he knows me better than I do. Love him dearly, and maybe one day he will shock me and actually listen to me. I am not counting on it though. :wink2:

Honestly, even with the issues we sometimes have, we do love one another. It is just a difficult time, and when emotions are high, and everyone is tense, sometimes things just get out of hand, unfortunately. 

Thank you. I am just trying to be there for my mom through this difficult time. It is stressful, and emotional, but I cannot imagine not helping her.


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

NobodySpecial said:


> I can't believe we are fixating on the oak. The husband not only is turning a deaf ear to his wife's desires (I hate beans. HATE them. Right or wrong?? Whatever.) He is pissy about the fact that she made one comment. How hard is that?


Thank you for understanding! :smile2:


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