# This will be different, because of TAM



## ALWAYS TRYING (Mar 2, 2013)

HI Everyone
Just signed up, been lurking for about 4 months. Was hearing dripping from the bathroom figured I left a facet on would get in a minute. The ceiling is leaking. I'm in a hotel really not my problem but WTF.

So... My life took a turn AGAIN. But because of TAM I have been very strong. 

My hubby is having another affair. I have access to his personal email. He doesn't know I do. And every so often I check it. Last fall he sign up for meet your favorite MILF. and I just watched he never did anything with it. Sooo hit me up side the head. I'm really good at rug sweeping and not confronting him. 

25 years ago I found an ongoing affair and confronted right away made him call her right in front of me. So 1 down many to go. 
I only know of that one and this one so no proof of how many.

So, the help I need is. I have her email address. I tried spokeo, paid money got nothing. On Wednesday he left his phone available while in the shower. He never does that. My hands started shaking just typing this. Now I have a first name. 

Oh. They just started this. As far as I can tell. They have sent over 100 texts in the last 3 weeks. Then she and family went on vacation. And that is when the few (20) emails happened. I have printed the emails. Wednesday night she sent an email. It was great seeing you this morning. Next time won't be so awkward. Your so handsome I was wet all day. Barf

We both travel for our jobs. Next Saturday the 9th I'm going to confront him. Sit down talk then hand him a letter. Then leave him alone for the weekend. Not gonna leave the house. Just do my own thing. 

I have been with him for 31 years. We have an ok marriage. We do things together. Sit on couch and hold hands. Support each other in out jobs, and life. Sex... Well let's not go there. It's something that has never been very strong. Both of our faults. Right now it's been a year (no lie) last March. But he has gotten several BJ. He just not want to touch me. Let's deal with that after we get through this week. 

I LOVE this man I want to be his wife and partner. But I will not be his second choice any more.


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## frozen (Mar 5, 2012)

Sorry you are here. My first impression is he met her on an online hookup site. Check his email for folders with mail in it. He could be forwarding out of his inbox so you aren't seeing them.

This is the tip of the iceberg I'm sorry to say...


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

No kids?
Finances secure? IOW, say he blows a gasket next Saturday and cleans out the bank accts on Monday, will you be okay financially?

Do you have a support system nearby, like siblings, close relatives, very dear friends? Does he?

Do you know how to contact the OWH?


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

You shouldnt be his second choice. No spouse should ever be. 
Im sorry you are here. 
But i am glad you are calm (as possible im sure), and you are being methodical.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ALWAYS TRYING (Mar 2, 2013)

Thanks Frozen will check folders in box. I'm not very good with these machines. 

Should I clean out the act first? I could
Contact No. I thought by looking up her email on that spokeo sight I would get some info. But nothing. I would love to find him. 

Children grown out of house. Won't get involved unless it goes very bad. Good friends yes. I have a lunch date on Monday. She along with TAM will be my support.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Oh, the very old, classic cyber-cheating...

You currently have a power tool : his email password. You have three choices here of how to use it. 

1. The Devious Way : email the OW from his email, in his behalf, write a rude, very firm NC email to her.Then delete the email from the "Sent" folder. If you're smart in comps, or have a friend good at it, break into her email and do the same thing from her to him. (I did this to my ex...long funny story ) The pros of this : easy to get rid of this particular OW. The cons: it is rug-sweeping, as you can't call him on it. You would just have to keep snooping and annihilate the next and the next cyber affair.

2. The Smart Way: Do confront him, but do not reveal that you know his email pass. Create a new email address. Copy/ paste his emails to the OW and send them to yourself, like from an anonymous person who intercepted the affair and exposed to you. Confront. Set boundaries. Then keeping snooping to make sure he respects those boundaries. Lol, I know, not very honest, but what he's been doing is not honest either, so lose the discomfort.

3. The Straightforward way : reveal that you've been snooping, confront, set boundaries. Pros: the honesty. Cons: prepare for him to be enraged and "offended " that you "violated" his privacy. Prepare for blameshifting on how you are dishonest too, etc. You won't be able to check his mailbox again as he will change his pass and take extra measures for you to not break in again. 

Either method you choose, do confront. Don't stay silent and expect him to stop, he won't. Been there...done that.
Ah and not to forget : copy/paste the entire email exchange to the OWH , if there is one, no matter what you decide to do.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If he uses his home computer at all, put a keylogger on it.

If you have her number from his phone, check with a pi to see if he canget a name. If she is using a burner phone though, it wwon't help.

If he is calling her , put a voice activated recorder velcroed under his drivers seat. This could be you number one weapon.

You can get varsbat bestbuy, walmart and radio shack.

Open your own bank accts. You can take money out of joint accts but a judge will make you put back some if you take more than half.

Have yourself checked for stds.

The more lawyers you get a free initial conultation with, the fewer he has to pick from.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You got his phone while he was in the shower yes? Did you find a phone# or just the email acct?

Can you access the MILF webpage?


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## ALWAYS TRYING (Mar 2, 2013)

I have a phone number and first name and email address. I payed money at spokeo to get more info. Nothing. 
On the MILF site I can't find her. So maybe she not from there. I don't know.
We don't have home puter, just iPads. And I'm not very good with it. 

Recently he is checking up on my whereabouts. Knows where I am. Very strange. No big deal but strange. Can I do the same with his phone?


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## ALWAYS TRYING (Mar 2, 2013)

I thought about emailing her. But then they could just delete everything and take underground. Why does he save these? Personally I would read and delete. But I'm not a cheater. Maybe he goes back and rereads everything. Maybe he wants me to find them. Maybe he is just an idiot.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

ALWAYS TRYING said:


> I thought about emailing her. But then they could just delete everything and take underground. Why does he save these? Personally I would read and delete. But I'm not a cheater. Maybe he goes back and rereads everything. Maybe he wants me to find them. Maybe he is just an idiot.


Well, kind of like why a serial killer takes "trophies" from their kills. Far different pathology but I'm thinking the same mindset.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You might create a new email account that sort of looks like a variation of his but on another site like use gmail instead of yahoo etc.


Then email her saying you think your wife may have gotten access to your old account and that she should only use this new one, and especially she should not respond to anything on the other account because his will be trying to fish for info. Assure her you've cleaned everything up on the old account, but she needs to be careful.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

check your PM


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You might create a new email account that sort of looks like a variation of his but on another site like use gmail instead of yahoo etc.
> 
> 
> Then email her saying you think your wife may have gotten access to your old account and that she should only use this new one, and especially she should not respond to anything on the other account because his will be trying to fish for info. Assure her you've cleaned everything up on the old account, but she needs to be careful.


I like this a lot Shaggy. Takes nerves though. Can you do it Alwaystrying?


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## ALWAYS TRYING (Mar 2, 2013)

Yes. Maybe. ???? What about all the texting? They do that more than email.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Yeah, if they text alot she might say something about the new email acct. So better not do it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Send her an email.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

ALWAYS TRYING said:


> I thought about emailing her. But then they could just delete everything and take underground. Why does he save these? Personally I would read and delete. But I'm not a cheater. Maybe he goes back and rereads everything. Maybe he wants me to find them. Maybe he is just an idiot.



He saved them for two reasons: he didn't think you could ever find them, and he likes to go through them and re-read them maybe. Perhaps an EA ?

Do not email her. You lose status. And yes they can just go underground. I'd go with my advice # 2 if I were you. If they talk on the phone too you can use a VAR as well, but I guess the emails sum it up pretty much as it's a cyber thing. 

Don't be afraid. Do it, and confront him, otherwise he'll have his cake and eat it too undisturbed ...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

ALWAYS TRYING said:


> *Should I clean out the* *account first?*


Not unless you talk to an attorney first. And even then, if you do and live in a community property state, they will usually allow you only half.

Get tested for STD's, fastly do the 180 on him, and keep on accumulating any evidence against him. If you and him share cell phones on a joint account, start examining his calls and texts to that or any other questionable numbers and just see how far back in time that they go.

Sorry dear! He thinks that you simply fell off of the turnip truck and that he can have his cake and eat it too!

Show him that while you didn't uniquely qualify for the "turnip truck brigade," that you definitely know how to back that same turnip truck up and over him in a divorce court!

You deserve far better, my dear!


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## ALWAYS TRYING (Mar 2, 2013)

They do plan on taking this farther. They have met once for coffee. She said in an email later that day "next time won't be so ackward" this was this past Wednesday. (feb27). 

I'm just trying to do this so we can move past, stay together for another 30 years. BUT. I am prepared to leave. This is the second time I have caught him. I'm much more knowledgeable, mature, and sure of myself this time. So things will be different. With that being said I'm scared, hurt, and very insecure.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

According to the women who post on infidelity websites say that when they meet their POM from sites like AM, MILF, or POF, they usually wait until the second or third date to decide if they're going to have sex. They say they wait to make sure their POM is going to be more of a long-term bf and not just a ONS. 

So, you have a little time to act. They always recommend "deny, deny, deny" even if caught in bed with their skivvies off. 

Seems this gal from MILF is experienced and is trying to calm your H down with the "not so awkward next time" comment.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

You can track his phone using spyware.. you will need the phone to install. Or, is it an iphone? The find my iphone app will show the phone's locations if you have location services 'on'. You would go to icloud.com and enter an apple id. This goes for ALL apple devices which may be how he tracks you!! Change your apple id password and turn on location services only when you actively travel (are moving and can't guarantee your device not getting lost) .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ALWAYS TRYING (Mar 2, 2013)

Ok this is what I have done so far. 
Printed all the emails.
Research and printed divorce laws.
List of what is needed from him if he chooses to stay.
List of 3 MC 
List of lawyers.

I made two folders yes I'm a little organized freak. One is for divorce one is for stay. 

On Saturday afternoon I'm going to confront him with this. I have enough to confront. Don't need more. I would have liked to get her H info but I still might send her an email on Monday. 

I have plan a and plan b ready in my head and in the folders. He will get a kick out of the folders because they are so me. 

I was planning on this talk back the end of January but timing was not right. Then I happened upon the affair. And he is gonna think its just our intimacy issues until I show him the emails. Then the sh it is gonna hit the fan. 

I have done 4 months of reading on here. And feel I know so many of you TAMERS. and you know nothing of me. But lurking got me lots of info to put in my folders. The hardest thing for me is gonna be the 180 depending on the folder he chooses. But I'm important and taking care of me is what it's for. I will not fall apart. I wrote this and will have it in my pocket to keep me from breaking down in front of him. If he wants to leave so be it right?

So stand by big happenings in the northeast this weekend.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

Your organization and fortitude is quite inspiring. 
Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

ALWAYS TRYING said:


> Ok this is what I have done so far.
> Printed all the emails.
> Research and printed divorce laws.
> List of what is needed from him if he chooses to stay.
> ...


Good luck girl!


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## ALWAYS TRYING (Mar 2, 2013)

Thank you for the vote of confidence. But I'm a mess. He just called and trying to keep it together and not give myself away is so hard. 

H. Hope your having a good day
Me. Oh yes great thanks
H. What did you do?
Me. Omg. Think fast. Laundry, bills dishes. The old standbys
H ok talk to you later. Love you
Me. Love you. Bye

So hard. But I will not fall apart


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Good planning there Mrs!


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

*Sv: This will be different, because of TAM*

How are you doing Always?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I think I'm going to be a bit honest here but your H is a serial cheater, why do you want to be with him?

I wouldn't even bother with the snooping. Just expose the A to everyone who should know and file for D.

Do a serious 180 and build a better life for yourself without him, and then, if only then, he can SHOW you how truly remorseful and sincere he is, only then consider R with him.

You can't control his actions, only your own.

I'm truly sorry you are going through this, you deserve better. I'm sure there is someone out there who will show you the respect you deserve.

Fwiw I'm a BS in R with my H. One affair. If there's ever another he's outta here.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

ALWAYS TRYING said:


> Recently he is checking up on my whereabouts. Knows where I am. Very strange. No big deal but strange. Can I do the same with his phone?


Forgive me if this has already been addressed. 

My man used to do this. It was to check where I was, what I was up to, what my plans were, to ensure he would not have a chance of being caught out with his 'plans' with his bit of f*ck on the side.


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

ALWAYS TRYING said:


> Ok this is what I have done so far.
> Printed all the emails.
> Research and printed divorce laws.
> List of what is needed from him if he chooses to stay.
> ...


When you confront, do not show him the emails. Try to keep how you got your info to yourself. Also, you have access to his email account. Thinking ahead, it might be an idea to change the information like date of birth, secret question stuff so that if he tries to reset the password, he won't be able to because the security information is 'wrong.' 

As for who this female is...You say you have a trusted friend. Get her to call the number you have for her and say 'This is Dr Brown's office and I'm calling with some test results. Who am I speaking to please?' Obviously you should use your friend's phone and block the number.

Good luck and I'm sorry you had to be here.


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## ALWAYS TRYING (Mar 2, 2013)

I'm getting really nervous. I have it all worked out in my head. 

Daisy I stay and will stay because he is a good hubby does so much for me. BUT I'm prepared to leave this time. I have my pride intact this time. Not gonna take it and put my head back in the sand. 

Question. Don't show him the emails unless this turns bad right? This talk is about our marriage and how we can have it stronger. I won't be his second third choice. That's what I'm gonna say. I need him to stop seeing these wh ores. I need him to start taking more time with me and stop the "getting attention from others". If I show him the emails he will change the password and then I won't be able to see anymore. He is gonna know I have seen the emails just by what I say. So now that I have written this out I guess the email password is gonna be gone. But moving forward there will be transparency so don't need. 

GGRRRR. My mind is racing. We both get home late tonight. He has been gone for a week. Hugs kiss cuddle sleep wake and confront. Yikes
But I'm ready. Not gonna let this go another day. Whatever happens happens. 

Thanks everyone for reading my many haphazard thoughts.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

good luck.
keep us posted.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

ALWAYS TRYING said:


> *Question*. Don't show him the emails unless this turns bad right? This talk is about our marriage and how we can have it stronger. I won't be his second third choice. That's what I'm gonna say. I need him to stop seeing these wh ores. I need him to start taking more time with me and stop the "getting attention from others". If I show him the emails he will change the password and then I won't be able to see anymore. He is gonna know I have seen the emails just by what I say. So now that I have written this out I guess the email password is gonna be gone. But moving forward there will be transparency so don't need.


Always~

To be honest, even if it goes bad I don't think you need to show him the emails. I mean the best case scenario, you confront him, tell him you know, he confesses and stops immediately. Less than best case, you confront him and he tries to deny... personally I'd have a copy of the emails in a secure place (like a security deposit box in the bank or in a locked safe in your office at work), I'd have one or maybe two in a folder, and I'd say "I have a whole folder of all your emails with <OW's name> and I have them in a secure place. You can stop denying and stop trying to lie to me right now. This is a one-time offer. One more attempt to deny it and I am done with you." 

He knows darn well what he has done, and you know and I know that it has gone further and is deeper than what you know about!! But you know enough to know it is infidelity, and he can either admit it or not. Showing him copies of all the emails will not "make" him tell the truth or convince him to do what you want! Either he will choose to save his marriage...or he won't. 

Sooooo...I wouldn't show him the emails. I'd keep them somewhere safe and maybe have a few copies with you. And when he tries to shift the blame by saying: "How DARE you invade my privacy by snooping in my email!" don't you fall for it either! You are his SPOUSE and the one person on earth who has the right to know him intimately. What he was doing was keeping things SECRET (hiding and lying)...not keeping things private (modesty). YOU are only speaking the truth, and if he had been a model, faithful husband and you looked at his emails and printed them, he would be proud of himself right now. Thus it is HIS choices and HIS actions that are shaming him right now, now what you did. Got it?


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## ALWAYS TRYING (Mar 2, 2013)

Just a quick update

I'm still standing. Been a really hard 24 hours but...

He took folder B and put it into the shredder. Then sent a text to Miss Wh ore. Then we talked and talked and talked. 

I'm really trying hard to keep my emotions stable. No crying NO BEGGING. I did good.

In bed last night he says 
You cold
No
I am come here and hold me.
No
Too bad I'm not ok with no.
We need to fix this
I know. Actions speak louder than words. Now hold me.

Yikes right. So I gave in (I always do) and we fell asleep in each others arms.

Ok. . That 180 things is so hard. Kept repeating yesterday. This is for me. I'm not ok with this. 
Post more later I promise. Lots of hard work going forward

Thanks for listening


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Thanks for the update. I hope things work out for you.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Glad things seem ok, for now. I hope he continues on the right path so that you can both be happy!

The 180 was really hard for me too!


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## ALWAYS TRYING (Mar 2, 2013)

Oh you guys I have had a very stressful week. 

We spent lots of time together. More than in the past two years. If we weren't at work we were together. Yikes I keep repeating 180 do this for me. He has not slept well the whole week. Bed at 12 up at 4. Nap in the afternoon. But not a sound sleep for the entire week. 

We bought a new washer/ dryer and frige. He cleaned out his closet. Things we have been talking about doing. He fixed the ceiling fan. He has been very engaged in doing stuff not just sitting on the couch watching tv. It's been great. 

Yesterday at breakfast I said.
Me- Are you going to leave us?
H- No my god I'm working on us.
Me- your fixing up the house like never before I just got to thinking your getting it fixed for selling.
He stood up pulled me out of chair and gave me a hug. And said You slapped me up side the head with a big wake up call. I don't want to leave you/us. I want us to continue. I working hard to show you that.

So now I'm bawling. I'm such a wuss. Back story--- we have been here before. This is not his first affair I have caught him in. This is the same game we played before. So I had to get myself under control. I left and went for a walk. When I came back he said. Nothing is gonna be good enough is it? I did not answer. Just went about my day. Then watched tv together last night. No talking. Bed no talking no nothing. This am he gave me another great kiss that took me to my knees and left for 3 days (business). 

I have checked his email. He didn't change the password. He has deleted all the stuff between him and Miss wh ore, from the in box but not the sent box. To funny. This am Miss wh ore sent him a cute message. I have not heard from you all week. I know your busy but if you are still interested in this friendship you could have taken a minute to communicate with me. Hope you are well. He has not replyed but he did read it and did not delete it. From his inbox. Very interesting. I will see if he does anything with it. Remember he not know I know password..

So here I sit. Wondering how to answer his question. Is nothing ever gonna be good enough. He hurt me again. And this time I'm not rugsweeping. But I don't know how to get him to understand how he continues to hurt me. He said actions more than words. Actions???


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I, being a victim of multiple DD's and two different affairs, can tell you that you will always wonder that in the back of your mind. You will think you deserve better than you have accepted but you will be willing to keep trying in hopes that you can wrap your brain around it all and be happy again. That is my life....7 years later! I really dont think it gets easier, just some days you are able to push it further back in your head!


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

*Nothing is gonna be good enough is it?*

Maybe I'm dense, but did you confront him about this last affair yet? Assuming you did, this response is not one of remorse. More like manipulation. 

It sounds like you would be willing to take him back, if he continues to put on this dog and pony show. You're not really doing a 180. The 180 is to help you detach from him and you aren't detached by a long stretch.

Your husband is a serial cheater. If you want to R with him, I think you're making a mistake; but if you do, my question to you is: How are things different? Are you just rug sweeping a little less this time?

Think long and hard about whether you want to stay with someone who has betrayed you more than once. You know the old saying.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

ALWAYS TRYING said:


> I have a phone number and first name and email address. I payed money at spokeo to get more info. Nothing.
> On the MILF site I can't find her. So maybe she not from there. I don't know.
> We don't have home puter, just iPads. And I'm not very good with it.
> 
> Recently he is checking up on my whereabouts. Knows where I am. Very strange. No big deal but strange. Can I do the same with his phone?


Look for the find my friends app on your phone or ipad. Then delete it. That is the easiest way and cheapest way to track someone with an Iphone or ipad.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

ALWAYS TRYING said:


> Oh you guys I have had a very stressful week.
> 
> We spent lots of time together. More than in the past two years. If we weren't at work we were together. Yikes I keep repeating 180 do this for me. He has not slept well the whole week. Bed at 12 up at 4. Nap in the afternoon. But not a sound sleep for the entire week.
> 
> ...


He is still holding onto this message because he hopes that you will start trusting again. He is still in the fog my dear. What he is doing now is to earn your trust again. He still has not ended his affair but mere put it on pause. If I were you I would make him show you all the online accounts he has. You aren't demanding full transparency and that has to happen. If you give him someplace to hide or someplace to keep his dirty secrets he will go there. Remorse can be faked very easily and without him giving up his secrets Ie all of the accounts to the different dating sites like a*******, fling, or whichever sites he used. He is not really remorseful. Demand access to all email accounts. make him write them on a sheet of paper. Make him write out all of his dating site username and passwords. Then open up a laptop and start going to the sites in front of him. Make it to where he cannot hide and make it to where you know the whole truth no just the truth you know because of trust.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

ALWAYS TRYING said:


> I'm getting really nervous. I have it all worked out in my head.
> 
> Daisy I stay and will stay because he is a good hubby does so much for me. BUT I'm prepared to leave this time. I have my pride intact this time. Not gonna take it and put my head back in the sand.
> 
> ...


Tell him that if he changes the passwords to his email accounts you are gone. If he creates new email accounts without telling you and makes them inaccessible you are gone. I just get the feeling you don't want to go. and That my dear is your biggest problem. You need to get over your fear of leaving him. You need to focus on yourself. You don't need a serial cheater in your life. You need a man. I am worried that he may have been verbally harassing you. Does he tell you things like. You won't find anyone else out there. Who would want to be with you? 
I am worried that in your mental state you will continue to be used by this man.


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> Not unless you talk to an attorney first. And even then, if you do and live in a community property state, they will usually allow you only half.
> 
> Get tested for STD's, fastly do the 180 on him, and keep on accumulating any evidence against him. If you and him share cell phones on a joint account, start examining his calls and texts to that or any other questionable numbers and just see how far back in time that they go.
> 
> ...


My H had an A... and here is some advice I got while I was discovering and gathering- from the psychologist I shared an office with:
She told me of a story, here goes. A lady discovered her H was having an A, she slowly started taking money out of the accounts, small withdrawls here and there. Cash advances when at the grocery store and other transactions that were sort of concealed with other purchases.
The accounts were slowly drained- not all the way, but enough.
When they went to court the H had his lawyers bring up the "missing" money- the distraught wife told the judge... I was under so much stress while he was having the A, I started gambling. I am embarrassed and cannot believe I have lost so much money, I am so sorry.
The judge said he could do nothing about it because they were married when all the gambling took place.
Divorce finalized. Happy xwife had kept her "gambling" money at a friends house in a lock box. 
Guess he should not have had an affair.
I developed a "gambling" problem when I was discovering. I am embarrassed. 
If you pay with debit instead of credit, there is a cash back option, just sayin. There is no way to track the cash collected or what it was spent on.


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## ALWAYS TRYING (Mar 2, 2013)

Oh this sucks

That's how far I got and I started bawling. 

Badbane. I think your right. I'm a wuss. Gotta be able to walk away. I can say I will but in reality. SUCKS. 

He does not talk bad about me. He cherishes me. Says how great I am. Always there for him doing for him. See the pattern. I have stopped going to the cleaners for him. Lol. He said this am "you doing errands? Yes. Can you take my stuff to the cleaners. NO.". 

I told him he could no longer count on me being there for him. He can't be here for me so why should I not have a life. I get it I know what needs to be done. But the day to day is so hard. 

And the triggers. Never thought about them. When others would talk about triggers. I didn't have any until now. Hate this. I need to make him understand how much he really hurt me this person he says he cherishes. 

Just so you all know. I'm doing more reading than writing. Also, when the guys talk about becoming more alpha so their WW will be more into them again, What is the equilvilant for us girls? What do I do so hubby wants me and not some wh ore? I have asked him to tell me what his needs are. I told him what my deal breakers are. So far he has not responded. 

Thanks again for being patient with me.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

i will tell you this, because i just recently talked with my wife about it.
you will NEVER make him understand how bad he hurt you (unless you have an affair, then...maybe *not suggesting this at all).
he will NEVER make you understand WHY he did it, or HOW he could do it. i dont think thats possible.
my wife seems to understand this, and i have (kinda) come to terms with the fact that i will, indeed, NEVER understand how someone could live a double life like that for so long.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Sorry you are going through all of this. It sucks. He needs to know that you are ready to walk if he backslides, or stops trying to show remorse. 

You have all of his passwords, email accounts? Make sure you do and check them.

Trust but verify!

I have not heard a word about MC, so what are you doing there? It is a must.

I am worried since I also did not see anything about exposure, does his family and yours know what is going on? This is not about revenge it is about keeping him on the straigt and narrow.

As far as your triggers this is tough for all of us BS. I worked on exercise and focus on things that made me happy. Most of all my kids.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

I am sorry that you are part of this club that no one wants to join. My situation is similar but my H never met his online OW in person. He picked two that live across the country from us. The first one was 16 years ago. That was a tough one as it was his first and I was blind-sided by it. Also tough because they had talked about meeting but never did, engaged in cyber sex etc, love letters, pictures, secret PO box (well-not secret for long) He gave her up for me and our two boys and we have now been married almost 34 years. 

The 2nd one was the end of 2011 and went on for about 4 months before I found out. I was not as surprised as we were not communicating well. He gave her up more easily as he said they knew they were never going to meet or leave their spouses, just wanted fun and attention.

Recently I discovered they had talked/texted 8-10 times the last one ( what he admits to) because he was curious as to how she was doing. Her H found out they were talking but did not know, or want to know,about the past cyber affair (texting/sexting, etc) Each time my H has told me how much he loves me, never wanted to hurt me and will never do this again. This was it for me, no more chances. The problem is he knows I will not leave this house or him, he will have to do that. This past year had been so great, we were really connecting, having fun, liking each other again, as well as loving, so this is tough. I hope you get what you need and want from all this.


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