# newish relationship and lack of sex



## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

Hey

Its been a few years since I posted on this great forum.

I am in a pickle and need some honest opinions.

We are both in our early 30s met at university and what can I say she totally came out of the blue. I was not expecting it in the slightest.

Since meeting our sex life has been good, frequent varied and fun.

However in the last 6 months I have noticed we have gone from 2-3 times a week its now less then once a fortnight.

It feels as if I was lured in with sex and now itthe gloss has worn away it feels as time non existant.

I have spoken to her several times asking her if she has noticed a change in frequency and if there are any underlying issues. She claims she is busy studying albeit we both are but I always find time for her sex or otherwise.

We are nearly 1.7years in the relationship and as shallow as it sounds I'd rather walk. 

I explained how it makes me feel and I have even visited escorts a few times to satisfy my urges.

I don't really watch porn and I'm not that much into masturbation.

I've tired on a few different occasions to speak to her and she claims she cares and does agree that our frequency has dropped but still she does nothing to change it. Few times I've felt frustrated to the point it has hurt my self esteem.

So am I over reacting , being greedy or am I just too demanding?

I do not expected it every day or 4 times a week but it would be nice to not have to always have to ask her for it.

I feel like walking and seeing what happens as I don't really feel I need to put up with it.

Please advise your thoughts would be appreciated 

Thank you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you are not satisfied with the relationship then leaving is your best choice.

If you are supposed be exclusive with your gf but you are going to escorts, you are cheating on her and you are putting her life at risk (stds). I’m sure that if she knew what you were doing, that she would dump you. 

Why are you even staying if you are this unhappy?


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> If you are not satisfied with the relationship then leaving is your best choice.
> 
> If you are supposed be exclusive with your gf but you are going to escorts, you are cheating on her and you are putting her life at risk (stds). I’m sure that if she knew what you were doing, that she would dump you.
> 
> Why are you even staying if you are this unhappy?


The two times I went to escorts everything was done with protection.

I guess I'm still around because I think things may change.

I think any woman in her right mind knowing that I had been to an escort would dump me.

I also think I'm still around because its better ter then being single.

I know and realise what I am saying is out of order and no way would I want to be treated this way. 

Thinking about it more I truly think I went to an escort in an act of defiance as if to tell myself well if she doesn't want to make love with me someone else will. And to restore that wanted feeling rather then moping around her like a lost puppy. 

I guess I also feel cheated in a way like if that's not really what you are about then why give me so much then well quite frankily stop. Without even consulting me.

Perhaps I need to just walk as ultimately its not fair on her.

Before I met her I was single for 8-9 months and never really thought about sex, never watched porn throughout that time and really did enjoy me time. Sure at times I was lonely.

But then when we met and to be honest I was rather amazed by her sex drive and going from that to now virtually nothing almost like I have to beg for it makes me feel really low within myself. I do feel ashamed at times and weak about not being able to control my urges.

I also think I remained in the hope it may change. Hence having spoken to her about it a few times without it breaking into argument.

Perhaps its time to just walk away...

Thanks for replying appreciate your input
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I was completely on your side... until you said you visited escorts. Eeeww.

She deserves better, you are a cheater and a liar by omission. 

You put your and her health at risk. 

If you can't be faithful, don't be in a relationship. I definitely think you should break up with her because you have no honour or dignity.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Yeah, let her go so she can find a better man.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

I really don't know what to say to your post your GF is busy with classes and doesn't have time for sex as frequently as your norm SO YOU go out and sleep with prostitutes :scratchhead: you have just made your problem 100 times worse.



If your welling to bang escorts, cheat on your GF, and complain of lack of sex form your busy student girl friend then maybe you should just walk and do her a favor. 


PS: escorts! really dude ewwwww


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Only rarely does frequency increase after you add marriage and kids. If it's a low priority to her now that is going to be repeated in the future. 

And really, you can't be faithful this early in the relationship, that is a pattern you are likely to repeat too.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

xirokx said:


> The *two times I went to escorts *everything was done with protection.
> 
> *I guess I'm still around because I think things may change.*
> 
> ...


All of the above in bold indicates that you aren't really ready for a relationship. And even if you were, there's an incompatibility in this particular relationship that is a deal breaker for you. 

Break up with your girlfriend because the two of you aren't compatible. 

Then spend some time getting yourself straightened out. It's not healthy to stay in a relationship because it's better than nothing, to feel the need to rebel by seeing hookers, to spend time passive-aggressively getting back at a partner for things, or to treat a partner in ways you know you wouldn't want to be treated. Figure out why you would rather cheat on a partner to punish her for her behaviors than break up with her over sincere compatibility issues.

You may want to take a look at the book _No More Mister Nice Guy_.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

xirokx said:


> We are nearly 1.7years in the relationship and as shallow as it sounds I'd rather walk.
> 
> I explained how it makes me feel and I have even visited escorts a few times to satisfy my urges.


Then walk. You're already sleeping with prostitutes. 

I hope she is aware of this.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

OP, if the downtime of sex has only been in the last 6 months and she told you right now is really busy with studies and you already stepped out than do the right thing and end the relationship. I mean i get being frustrated with lack of sex but its not like this has been going on for years and years, just recently. There are guys on this forum that are in years of this situation and have not cheated.

You should have tried to be more patient and see when her studies calm down if your sex life would have gotten back to what it was. If you were planning on being with her for a long time were you going to get an escort any time a little dry spell came on? 

Anyway whats done is done, I would start the process of ending this relationship and do what you want with who you want and let her be with someone good for her as well.


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## GIM003 (Feb 5, 2014)

xirokx said:


> Hey
> 
> 
> We are nearly 1.7years in the relationship and as shallow as it sounds I'd rather walk.
> ...


You have already walked when you went to the escort. You owe it to your partner (and yourself) to make it official. Either leave or come clean (and then deal with the resulting explosion).

I'm not sure how going to an escort was a better option than "taking matters into your own hand".


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

You have to do whats right for you. If you have stated your case and nothing changes then what your doing needs to change.

What I mean by that is remaining in the relationship is not working. I'm assuming your visiting escorts is a result of your sexlessness. Think about that for a second. Think about where this situation has bought you.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

GIM003 said:


> You have already walked when you went to the escort. You owe it to your partner (and yourself) to make it official. Either leave or come clean (and then deal with the resulting explosion).
> 
> *I'm not sure how going to an escort was a better option than "taking matters into your own hand"*.


You're kidding right? You prefer masturbation to female contact? I can certainly understand the allure. After years of not getting the contact you crave your hand just no longer cuts it.

We all need a release. Mine is booze and football.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

She may have lost her attraction to you. you should still be in the honeymoon stage. Maybe your gf is hanging on till she finds someone attractive to her. 

Did you say she knows you are using escorts and she does not mind? if so, she cares nothing for you. 

Grab your self respect and dignity and leave this fiasco. You were not looking when you were single for the 9 months. There is no reason to believe that you will not find someone when you leave. 

Go to escorts if you have a dry spell when single. Although that seems like a loser move since any motivated man can easily find someone he likes. You aren't a loser are you? Stop acting like one.


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## GIM003 (Feb 5, 2014)

sinnister said:


> You're kidding right? You prefer masturbation to female contact? I can certainly understand the allure. After years of not getting the contact you crave your hand just no longer cuts it.
> 
> We all need a release. Mine is booze and football.


I was thinking more from the "to cheat or not to cheat perspective. If you are in a serious relationship and are either planning to stay in that relationship, or at least not yet at the point of wanting to exit the relationship, then getting something on the side is not an option for me.

Call me old fashioned.


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

I would walk if it was this early in with no kids.

I do not agree with seeing escorts as you should have left when it came to that.

Although, what do these partners think is going to happen when they cut someone off sexually? I guess ppl can really be that ignorant.


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

xakulax said:


> I really don't know what to say to your post your GF is busy with classes and doesn't have time for sex as frequently as your norm SO YOU go out and sleep with prostitutes :scratchhead: you have just made your problem 100 times worse.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



we both met in our first year, with regards to classes and exams if one was to compare you could say I have the harder bargain due to the nature of my course. Its not like she is studying and I am doing nothing, I study equally as much or harder most of the times.

Escorts are people, do you realize that? they provide a service, a clean and safe one at that, I do not go to them frequently but after weeks of no contact really what is a man supposed to do? hang around like a puppy dog, moping and sulking due to lack of contact which then affects ones self esteem and confidence or just go elsewhere.



> Only rarely does frequency increase after you add marriage and kids. If it's a low priority to her now that is going to be repeated in the future.
> 
> And really, you can't be faithful this early in the relationship, that is a pattern you are likely to repeat too.


Thank you for your honesty, I do feel as I said before, she was over willing at the start now suddenly to STOP altogether is somewhat harsh.

Before visiting escorts I have spoken to her to find out submissively if there is anything worrying her, how it makes me feel etc but she claims everything is OK and then I pointed out to her how at the start it was alot more frequent etc to which she agreed but she has not done anything to change the situation.

see sex is not the be end and end all of a relationship for me but it is important, just as is the emotional aspect.



> Break up with your girlfriend because the two of you aren't compatible.
> 
> Then spend some time getting yourself straightened out. It's not healthy to stay in a relationship because it's better than nothing, to feel the need to rebel by seeing hookers, to spend time passive-aggressively getting back at a partner for things, or to treat a partner in ways you know you wouldn't want to be treated. Figure out why you would rather cheat on a partner to punish her for her behaviors than break up with her over sincere compatibility issues


thank you, this is what my heart says and you know what I feel this is the only way forward now.



> You have to do whats right for you. If you have stated your case and nothing changes then what your doing needs to change.
> 
> What I mean by that is remaining in the relationship is not working. I'm assuming your visiting escorts is a result of your sexlessness. Think about that for a second. Think about where this situation has bought you.


again I cannot agree enough with you, I think I will wait until after exams and then do the needful.



> Did you say she knows you are using escorts and she does not mind? if so, she cares nothing for you.


no, no way she knows, I did ask her, what does she expect me to do if I am not getting any? especially having spoken to her and explained my situation....she said things will change but they have not...




> Although, what do these partners think is going to happen when they cut someone off sexually? I guess ppl can really be that ignorant.


it seems, well I feel sex is being used as a tool to draw people like me in. possibly at the beginning give it out loads then pull the plug. which is fake to be honest.

I just want to say I really do not think it is OK to visit escorts but at the end of the day what does a guy do? what are you supposed to do? yes you can walk but you still have to get rid of the urge. Currently I am in a relationship whereby I would rather her say, no its just not gonna happen, why its because she is being honest. I know where I stand.

Instead of coming up to me being affectionate, touching, kissing etc and then leaving it there, as you say, what do these people expect if they cut their partners off sexually?

I thank you all for your help and support, I have NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER cheated in any previous relationship, I have never gone astray. Previously I absorbed it when it happened in previously relationships but now I think, hell no, why should I just put up with it after exhausting all my other diplomatic options.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

She definitely hooked you. 

Next time, be careful about chasing someone to the point where they feel safe ignoring you. 




xirokx said:


> we both met in our first year, with regards to classes and exams if one was to compare you could say I have the harder bargain due to the nature of my course. Its not like she is studying and I am doing nothing, I study equally as much or harder most of the times.
> 
> Escorts are people, do you realize that? they provide a service, a clean and safe one at that, I do not go to them frequently but after weeks of no contact really what is a man supposed to do? hang around like a puppy dog, moping and sulking due to lack of contact which then affects ones self esteem and confidence or just go elsewhere.
> 
> ...


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

> She definitely hooked you.
> 
> Next time, be careful about chasing someone to the point where they feel safe ignoring you.


thats the thing, she doesnt ignore me....

she is usually all over me like a rash i.e. hugs, kisses etc

this then has an affect on my manhood and you know, men will be men.

i am not saying every kiss / hug has to turn into full blown sex noooo but if you know you have not had intercourse or been sexual for 2 weeks plus and this is having an affect on your partner then why get all touchy feely...its just playing with them.

posting here, as always, has really helped me explore my feelings, I am beginning to think although she is in her early 30s its a case of being childish...

like a previous poster put, "how can you expect to be in a relationship without being sexual" sure there are circumstances when this happens i.e. due to medical reasons or whatever but none of these circumstances apply here at the moment.

the more I analyze the situation the more I do feel as if she is playing with me, she first got me hooked and then in her own mind starting denying me. Despite me expressing my feelings and explaining how it makes me feel to the extent she agreed.

I think its now a case of waiting until exams are out of the way and then just going my way and doing my own thing. This way there is no mind boggle of yes it will happen tonight or no it wont. It will not make me feel insecure about myself or not feel wanted etc. Plus it will put an end to visiting escorts. I personally feel better if its an ALL or NOTHING situation, if its nothing then I can deal with it in my own way.

thanks guys and girls really really do appreciate your help


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If this is a new relationship, you're not even married, and she's already tardy with sex, dump her like a bad habit. If you are visiting escorts for sex, you aren't all that committed to her, anyway.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Hi xirokx,



xirokx said:


> Since meeting our sex life has been good, frequent varied and fun.
> 
> However in the last 6 months I have noticed we have gone from 2-3 times a week its now less then once a fortnight.


I am sorry to hear that your sex frequency has diminished significantly, that said in any long term sexual relationship frequency will often vary continuously up and down throughout the relationship. Of course sadly for some couples if it goes down it won’t come back up again and may get worse as time drags on.



xirokx said:


> It feels as if I was lured in with sex and now itthe gloss has worn away it feels as time non existant.


Perhaps the gloss has worn off for her as well, unless you are in an open relationship together (which it appears you aren’t). She was probably lured by the appeal of a strong man of integrity and self-control amongst other commendable qualities. Yet you apparently have urges, which you claim you can’t control and have cheated on her as well.



xirokx said:


> I have spoken to her several times asking her if she has noticed a change in frequency and if there are any underlying issues. She claims she is busy studying albeit we both are but I always find time for her sex or otherwise.


I think it’s great you have spoken to her about it, since it’s much better to address problems earlier rather than later. It may be as simple as you say she claims or it may not be, in the absence of mind reading powers all of us in relationships can never always know all of what our partners really think and feel.

If it isn’t as she claims you may never know unless she tells you something more. She could be cheating like you for enumerate reasons. She could also simply be disinterested in sex with you for enumerate reasons. Then so on and so forth, with a plethora of other possibilities! Who knows maybe she isn’t getting off satisfactorily and has given up trying?

What you do though is up to you, so if you find your relationship unsatisfactory the fair thing to do is to walk away, so that you both can potentially find persons who are compatible with each other’s needs and desires. Or you could possibly reach agreement on fulfilling one another, although I would argue; you are not well placed to do that since by cheating on her you have demonstrated a significant lack of care for her both physically and spiritually. Likewise you could stay while remaining unhappy, which will certainly see a life of emotional misery for you both into the future.



xirokx said:


> We are nearly 1.7years in the relationship and as shallow as it sounds I'd rather walk.


Walking away isn't shallow if you no longer like your partner, staying when you don't like your partner is a cruelty. It is also worth noting that although breaking up with one’s love is a very painful experience. People survive and can move on so to dissolve a sexual relationship is not the end of the world.

As to staying being a cruelty, it is fair to say that when a partner loathes their relationship circumstance yet persevere with a relationship. They are in large part revelling in being able to inflict like for like misery on the partner that has wronged them.



xirokx said:


> I explained how it makes me feel and I have even visited escorts a few times to satisfy my urges.


So you have told her what you expect and in the absence of being satiated to your satisfaction, you deceitfully go behind her back, breach her trust egregiously and pay a woman/women to get you off.



xirokx said:


> I don't really watch porn and I'm not that much into masturbation.


Good for you, although if you do later decide to play like the subject of the 1994 song 'Masters of the Universe' by Pulp, you really won't go blind. Of course by any reasonable measure, not masturbating is a rather poor justification for cheating.



xirokx said:


> So am I over reacting, being greedy or am I just too demanding?


It isn't over reacting if you want to leave because you are miserable and no longer feel affection for your partner. Disollution of a relationship is more kind to a couple than persevering with it when there’s nothing left and love has already left the room.

I don’t think greed per se is where your relationship is in trouble, each of us men and women have varying desires which also change over time. Sometimes we want more sex sometimes we want less (though we may service machines, we are not machines) so it’s unrealistic to expect someone to want to have sex all of the time. Even those with a high sex drive are content not having sex during every waking moment. Since all of us have differing desires at different times, it can turn out that a couple aren’t right together if they can’t reach an acceptable accommodation of meeting their partners desires.



xirokx said:


> I feel like walking and seeing what happens as I don't really feel I need to put up with it.


I concur you don't need to put up with it, you should be able to try and find a woman who will meet your every demand, whenever your manly urges overcome your self control.

Your girlfriend doesn’t need to put up with it either, it would be nice for her to have the opportunity to give of her self, to someone who respects and cares for her honestly.



xirokx said:


> I think any woman in her right mind knowing that I had been to an escort would dump me.


There are plenty of women in their right mind who by choice accept partners by consent who pay or have paid to use the sexual services of sex workers. Yet the consumption of a sexual products and services in itself is not really the issue here. The real issue is the cavalier betrayal of your girlfriends trust because you are miffed that she doesn’t prostrate herself to you as you demand.

Unfortunately you haven’t given her that choice, she has no choice at all since you have sordidly behind her back sought gratification elsewhere. Without her being able to make the decision whether she accepts you seeking that elsewhere or leaving you because she doesn’t accepts you seeking that elsewhere.



xirokx said:


> I also think I'm still around because its better ter then being single.


So you are with her for convenience only! She deserves a better man than the one she’s been getting. At the same time you shouldn’t have to be in a relationship where you feel compelled to pay for sex. Perhaps it would be better for you to find a woman who you will love, that way you will want to meet her needs equally as your own.



xirokx said:


> I know and realise what I am saying is out of order and no way would I want to be treated this way.


Yet despite that fact, you chose to eschew empathy and compassion by paying for sex behind your partners back. I think it’s great that you appreciate the fact you’re not being nice to her, your acknowledgement of this means you may endeavour to be a compassionate and honest man at some point in the future. 



xirokx said:


> Thinking about it more I truly think I went to an escort in an act of defiance as if to tell myself well if she doesn't want to make love with me someone else will. And to restore that wanted feeling rather then moping around her like a lost puppy.


Defiance! Are you at war with your girlfriend? Being defiant by cheating on her is a rather unusual way to express love and affection for one’s partner.

Regardless of whatever you may tell yourself the sex worker/s you paid, did not make love to you. All they did was provide a sexual product for your consumption at a market rate.

Then there’s moping around like a lost puppy, which seldom makes a woman feel respect for a man, more often than not sulking is considered a rather unattractive trait. You will probably be better served in the future by trying to avoid that approach.



xirokx said:


> I guess I also feel cheated in a way like if that's not really what you are about then why give me so much then well quite frankily stop. Without even consulting me.


Your girlfriend is a free woman who has every right to control herself and her own body and has no obligation to consult with you if she doesn’t want to put out!



xirokx said:


> Perhaps I need to just walk as ultimately its not fair on her.


Clearly!



xirokx said:


> I do feel ashamed at times and weak about not being able to control my urges.


You should feel ashamed for being weak although you’re weakness isn’t a lack of self-control, you’re weakness is in your dishonesty towards your girlfriend.

As to your urges, of course you are in control no one is directing you with a remote control! You do what you do because you want to and choose to, I can assure you the dog didn’t eat your homework so take responsibility for your actions.



xirokx said:


> this then has an affect on my manhood and you know, men will be men.


I hope your manhood will recover and that in time you can grow to become more resilient.

I wish you all the best in future relationships and hope that you learn that, with respect to “men being men”. It is very manly and strong for a man to be honest and not petulant while always taking responsibility for one’s own actions. Men are actually in control of themselves!

Best.


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