# No sexual intimacy with a new baby in the house.



## Teresa1991 (Jun 19, 2015)

Hello spouses with child/children,

For reference: DH= Dear husband, DS = Dear son.

DH and I don't have sex since the night before going into labor. We are newlyweds, and we became pregnant a year later. DS is now 4months old and he is breastfed. 

There are three things I would like advice/recommendation/guidance about:

1) With a high-needs baby, how do you make time to have sexual intimacy with your spouse? 

2) After delivery, it has been difficult to make the effort of looking appealing and attractive in the house, and even to me I look meh. I can no longer let my hair free because DS pulls it or grabs it (not to mention the hair loss due to childbirth), and my breasts are seen like feeding supply to both me and DH. 

3) With all that, how do I go about keeping or making things spicy in our marriage?

Just a little background: I was a virgin until our wedding night, so I really don't have much experience on making things interesting sexually.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

What you are facing is very common. If you & spouse can survive the sleep deprivation and everything else, then things will get better.

It is so common that one of the best marriage counselors in the County (Drs Gottman) have a course call Bringing Baby Home (BBH) that many hospitals put on and that they give and provide training for nationally.

You might go to their website and read some of the articles on this topic or give them a call and see if there are any trained educators on BBH in your area.

Good luck.

BBH Educator Training - The Gottman InstituteThe Gottman Institute


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Welcome to parenthood, its funny i would have expected this to come from a man not a woman, the fact that even with a new baby you have the energy to want sex i have to say that i think your husband is a very lucky man. that said, i get that rekindling a romance after having a baby might be tough, so let me ask you a couple questions...
1. have you gotten the okay from your doctors to have sex again?
2. is birth control going to be used?
3. is your husband willing to enjoy the romance as well? meaning is his energy level back as well, a new baby can zap that even from a father.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

1, he sleeps yes?
2, understandable. I'm guessing your husband doesn't care!! Or has he said something?
3, Take a shower, go find your hubby and drop the towel  Nothing hotter than the mother of your child offering herself 

Worry about the rest in another 6 or 9 months.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

After each of my kids, my H and I resumed sex as soon as the Dr. okay'd it..usually 4 weeks after birth. We would do it whenever the baby slept. Typically, we had quickies because we had a "high needs" baby. Our last son had colic and he only slept for about 30 mins at a time. You get it in when you can!


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## Teresa1991 (Jun 19, 2015)

Xenote said:


> Welcome to parenthood, its funny i would have expected this to come from a man not a woman, the fact that even with a new baby you have the energy to want sex i have to say that i think your husband is a very lucky man. that said, i get that rekindling a romance after having a baby might be tough, so let me ask you a couple questions...
> 1. have you gotten the okay from your doctors to have sex again?
> 2. is birth control going to be used?
> 3. is your husband willing to enjoy the romance as well? meaning is his energy level back as well, a new baby can zap that even from a father.


Thank you! 

1) Yes.
2) We don't use ABC, we do the NFP (not at the moment because I don't have cycles to track my fertility due to breastfeeding) .
3) He is very willing.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Teresa1991 said:


> Thank you!
> 1) Yes.
> 2) We don't use ABC, we do the NFP (not at the moment because I don't have cycles to track my fertility due to breastfeeding) .
> 3) He is very willing.


FYI, you can get pregnant while breastfeeding, doing NFP. I did.


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## Teresa1991 (Jun 19, 2015)

anonmd said:


> 1, he sleeps yes?
> 2, understandable. I'm guessing your husband doesn't care!! Or has he said something?
> 3, Take a shower, go find your hubby and drop the towel
> 
> ...



Baby is constantly on me, he sleeps only on me, and if I lay him down, he cries desperately. The only moments he can sleep longer and not on me is past 12am.

And yes, my husband minds. He goes like "aww why did you put this on? I don't like it, try something sexy..".


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## Teresa1991 (Jun 19, 2015)

anonmd said:


> 1, he sleeps yes?
> 2, understandable. I'm guessing your husband doesn't care!! Or has he said something?
> 3, Take a shower, go find your hubby and drop the towel
> 
> ...



Baby is constantly on me, he sleeps only on me, and if I lay him down, he cries desperately. The only moments he can sleep longer and not on me is past 12am.

And yes, my husband minds. He goes like "aww why did you put this on? I don't like it, try something sexy..".


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Teresa1991 said:


> And yes, my husband minds. He goes like "aww why did you put this on? I don't like it, try something sexy..".


Big husband FAIL.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Teresa1991 said:


> Baby is constantly on me, he sleeps only on me, and if I lay him down, he cries desperately. The only moments he can sleep longer and not on me is past 12am.


Why is your son high need? Is it his refusal to sleep anywhere but on you?

There are ways to break the habit. You do need to break it at least enough so that you have some time and energy for the romance.

If you search the internet you can find some ideas on how to do this. One of the biggest responsibilities of parents is to teach your child good sleep hygiene. And I'm not implying it's a piece of cake, depending on the child.

My son, as it turns out, is ADD. When he was about 8 months old he started to refuse to sleep at night. There was more than one night that I slept out of extreme exhaustion in my bed while he was awake, holding onto the head board and jumping up and own, babbling and laughing for a couple of hours. It can be hard depending on the child.

What also helps a lot is to have a spouse who will work with you. My H was in medical school. So he'd come home late and play with our son in the middle of the night. So our son learned very quickly that daddy meant night time play time.

You two have to be on the same page.



Teresa1991 said:


> And yes, my husband minds. He goes like "aww why did you put this on? I don't like it, try something sexy..".


The next time he says that, just drop your clothing on the spot, and smile very big and seductively at him. Some playful surprises could go a very long way.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Teresa1991 said:


> Baby is constantly on me, he sleeps only on me, and if I lay him down, he cries desperately. The only moments he can sleep longer and not on me is past 12am.
> 
> And yes, my husband minds. He goes like "aww why did you put this on? I don't like it, try something sexy..".


Your husband is an oaf. 

Something to try, give the baby to dad for an hour or whatever periodically. Dad does not smell like a milk machine .

We didn't have as serious an issue as what you are talking about. But many times my son would be hungry in the middle of the night and momma would run dry. The two of them would get in a state, he couldn't calm down, she was upset she was "failing" and couldn't sleep of course. That was my cue to scoop him up and head for the swing in the living room. Once separated from the smell of boob it was not bad at all . I'd sleep on the couch and momma would be amazed the next day.


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## Teresa1991 (Jun 19, 2015)

Thanks for the support so far. Yes, we know we can get pregnant during breastfeeding. 

I really appreciate when DH is honest like saying what he doesn't like on me. That way I can improve. I agree when he says he doesn't like this and that on me (actually, it is just some cheap undergarments I bought for those bleeding days after childbirth. I use them when the sexy ones hit the hamper and I don't have time to do the laundry) . 

I have yet to lose 20 pounds to achieve pre pregnancy weight , so at the moment, I'm not confident enough to be fully naked and seductive .


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Do you work outside the home? 

If you don't work outside the home you're going to have to find some time for yourself which means cutting back in other places. Maybe some household chores can get out off here and there? Finding time for yourself is the most important way to start to get your old self back, even when that old self is slightly heavier than the last time you saw her.

Put baby in his crib to sleep. At 4 months he should be taking 2-3 naps per day. Now is the time to put him in his crib and try to stretch out those naps so he takes one in the morning, and a nice long one in the afternoon, then he goes to sleep for the night instead of his 3rd nap. By placing him in the crib to sleep, which may be more difficult in the beginning, you'll find that he sleeps longer than when he sleeps in you.

There is always shower time for sex. If you and your h can time it right, if your h is about to jump in the shower and the baby is sleeping, jump in there with him. 

Having babies does a number on your body and your energy level. Your h should be supportive of that, by giving you breaks. If he wants you to dress sexier, he can watch the baby while you go shopping to find sexy stuff in your new size.


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

Teresa1991 said:


> Hello spouses with child/children,
> 
> For reference: DH= Dear husband, DS = Dear son.
> 
> Just a little background: I was a virgin until our wedding night, so I really don't have much experience on making things interesting sexually.



Don't let this bother you.
My wife & I were both virgins til our wedding night. She was 18, I was 22. We were both raised in Christian homes, and this is how we were taught.
:grin2idn't even have the internet, to go see what we were supposed to do.:smile2:


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I would advise that you find a way to get some time to yourself while you leave your husband alone with the baby. 

Many nurses will advise that once you give your child a bottle that they will not want to go back to the breast, as a bottle requires less effort from the child. My wife complained of feeling like a human milk machine for the year she managed to breastfeed. She wanted to try pumping, but could never get that to work. In the event you consider pumping breast milk, and are able to do it, this would be a way to give yourself much more flexibility. Having your husband help for an extended period of time while you go out will also make him appreciate everything you are doing. 

One of my coworkers/friends that had a baby around the same time as me, made plans to try and take care of his child (six months) for the first day on his own. He packed the baby bag with everything he needed and was going to head out to go somewhere fun, so his wife could stay home and sleep. So before he set out, she checked to see what he packed. There were diapers, wipes, blankets, and a few cans of campbell's soup. She freaked out and asked him what the soup was for, and he said in case our child gets hungry! Long story short, she did not get her day of sleep, but he started to learn a few things! 

So while my advice sounds easy enough, it will be pretty dramatic the first time you try. But it is something you should eventually try to do once you build up the courage. This should bring the two of you closer together and improve other areas of the relationship such as intimacy. AND it will likely give you some fun stories to tell your friends! 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Teresa1991 said:


> Baby is constantly on me, he sleeps only on me, and if I lay him down, he cries desperately. The only moments he can sleep longer and not on me is past 12am.


You are going to get a lot of different advice here because people all parent differently. A lot of parenting tends to come down to trial and error, to find out what works best for your family. There is no one size fits all approach. 

I also had a high needs baby, who is now a high needs toddler(very strong willed). We had him sleep in the Rock'n Play Sleeper for the first several months(baby feels cradled/held, so it was more comforting). It was the best money we ever spent to get that sleeper and it's great for reflux issues. After that, we slowly transitioned him to the crib. We had to try several sleep training techniques before we found one we liked that worked better for our son. I also used to put my shirt near him, so my scent was there, which helped the transition. You just have to keep trying different things to help him sleep. It will be best for him and you/your marriage. Nap times and bed time are the moments for adult time. 

I recommend keeping track of your diet to see what foods may be making him upset in regards to breastfeeding, too. My son was highly sensitive to tomatoes, so I had to completely cut them from my diet and he was also sensitive to dairy, so I had to cut back there, too. He was a much happier breastfed baby after I changed my diet. It made a big difference. 



Teresa1991 said:


> And yes, my husband minds. He goes like "aww why did you put this on? I don't like it, try something sexy..".


Oh, big time husband *fail*. I understand wanting the truth, but there are different ways to go about it in a nicer, more respectful way. Keep in mind that it took you 9 months to put on the weight, so give yourself at least that much time to get rid of the extra pounds.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

when my 4th one was 1 we gave birth the last one. all c sections. yeah breasfeeding not a good way to avoid pregnancy. lol. but we had sex after about week 3 or 4. our other children were older so when mommy and daddy needed to "nap" we put on a movie, the older baby went down for a nap, i fed the younger baby put her in the crib by our bed, to sleep she went and at it we went. there are ways if you are dedicated enough. let the body thing go. he doesnt care. you are his wife and the mother of his child. you are sexy no matter what to him. he got you that way, lol. all he wants is to be with you. when we deny our men sex and intimacy, they dont feel loved. i had the same problem you do. all my children were high need. we coslept, i stayed home and breastfed. its not easy but doable. i commend you for recognizing this and seeking help to address it. you are a good wife.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

as someone else mentioned, you are getting advice all over the landscape because we parent differently and we have differing needs for sexual intimacy. you mentioned the baby is constantly on you and doesn't sleep well, if at all, alone. Regardless of sex, you, your husband and the baby need to get that straightened out so the baby is sleeping without a parent constantly present. This is for the health and well being of all. There are many ways to accomplish that. Your doctor can advise as well as well as many books on care for the infant. You don't have to buy the books if you can get to the library or you can use the internet. 
Though it may be of little comfort to you in the moment, what you are experiencing is pretty common. I've had four and the first months can be tough for parents. It is no easy task being a parent and both need to work at it and work at their relationship. Hopefully the worries you are having and the difficulties getting the baby to sleep alone are not distracting you from the singular joys of motherhood and the shared moments of parenthood with your husband. We currently have a 15 month old and some nights when he has a tough time getting to sleep though the desire is there between his parents our physical stamina is drained by the little one and we just rejoice is some blessed uninterrupted sleep.


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## jnyu44 (Feb 13, 2012)

ha! You should tell your husband to try and go a year and one month without any intimacy whatsoever. I'm with the baby by myself 2.5 hours (help another hour) each day 7 days a week, work 6 days a week (though total of 50 hours), spend 20-25 min making sure I talk to just her every day, do the card/flower once a month, tell her how beautiful and a great mother she is, make sure my parents (her in-laws) keep their distance, and...then I nullify everything I've done apparently by bringing up sex. To be fair, our relationships always been pretty rough though so maybe that's the key...

Though ur hubby's a goon for making a comment about what you were wearing, you're both doing something right overall so I wouldn't pick a fight over small things. Politely explain to him you think that's unfair he said that especially given the circumstances and he'll probably get it. Congrats and keep chuggin along.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi Teresa You have a lot of good advice and yes trial and error.
Since you were a virgin Do or did you enjoy sex?
Was H selfish or giving lover? Knowledgeable? 
Is H satisfied with ur performance or does he critisize?
1. Get the kid down for naps and off of you (that may take some doing with high needs)
2. Next time H wants sex its time to bargain tell him u are willing but you need help then ask him to do what he can to give you a break.(hold him to a high standard-as many night feedings as you can get away with and anything else he will agree to when he's horny.
3. Monitor your moods Post pardum depression and hormone inbalance can kill sex drive
4. Do as many things that you can that you like (H will be greatfull for most attention)
5. Do what it is that you want to do to take care of your body (u mentioned weight loss)
6. Find tricks that work for your body (towels, dim lights, baggy tee shirts.)
7. Since he is 4 mos. i'm not aware of any studies that say making love in front of a child will adversely affect child maybe embarassing(yes you want to be careful about that one) Quickies are good for now if it works for both of u, then when son is sleeping longer you can go for more.
Good luck


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