# Sexual Insecurity in Relationships



## FMLuder1013 (Dec 26, 2018)

Ok so I’m going through a divorce and trying to get my confidence back and all that but there’s something on my mind that’s just won’t go away. I feel stupid for feeling this way and I have brought up this issue before on here but most responses basically say to not think about it but I do so here goes....

Anyone who’s read my other threads knows the issues I have had with my soon to be ex-wife and celebrity crushes....well I started thinking about this again tonight after having some drinks with a buddy of mine and he mentioned that next weekend his wife were having a “Magic Mike Night”.

His wiyand her girlfriends were watching the Magic Mike movies and drinking a bunch of wine basically. My response was something along the lines of how he should be nice to his wife that whole weekend because she would probably easily annoyed with him. He looked at me strangely and asked what I was talking about and I said well... she’s going to be so excited over Channing Tatum and his hot buddies and come home to you and be disappointed with you. He laughed and said he wished his wife would watch those movies every day because she gets horny and then wants sex afterwards. 

I laughed and didn’t say anything else but I’m just confused.... because let me explain how I would feel in a similar situation. 

First off ....a movie wouldn’t get me THAT hot and bothered but if it did. For example: a stripper movie with Megan Fox....Hypothetically if I was turned on by her I would just masturbate thinking about her since no way would I be able to sleep with her for real. 

Women get turned on by other men and sleep with their husbands? I mean how can you NOT be depressed by this? 

I don’t see a cheeseburger and get hungry and then go eat pizza and pretend it’s a cheeseburger...if that makes any sense. If I am turned on by something.... I want to get off to whatever turned me on and a wife coming home and telling me “Channing Tatum is sooooo hot, he made me horny so I need you to have sex with me” is kinda sad if I am being honest because that’s essentially what my buddy’s wife is doing.

Just curious what everyone thinks of this...especially women.


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## FMLuder1013 (Dec 26, 2018)

Sorry for all the grammatical errors... I can’t figure out if there’s a way to edit posts after sending them...Besides being Insecure it turns out I’m also an idiot lol


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## FMLuder1013 (Dec 26, 2018)

Also....something weighing on my mind.

I know everyone is going to tell me it’s no big deal but I’d like a little more elaboration on that because one thing that just doesn’t sit well with me....the fact that women react to Magic Mike...or whatever turns them on...significantly stronger than they will EVER react to their husbands. Essentially it’s admitting that wives need something else to put them in the mood because their husbands don’t. And the same old tired response along the lines of “ well, she’s never going to meet Channing Tatum “. Just implies that the husband is second place because her first choice isn’t going to happen. So I guess the husband should be excited over being their wives “silver medal”?

I don’t know....Stupid thing is I like all the guys in Magic Mike but now I hate them lol

I’m actually sitting here drinking because a winter storm cancelled work tomorrow and I don’t have anything to do and I think I’m going to watch Magic Mike just because.... I’m a glutton for punishment I guess lmao


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Your having issues with it because you have had an experience that is not the norm. Mix in the fact that you have some deep insecurities as well. 

Your currently in a state of disastrous mess with your wife and this is having a huge impact on your thought processes right now. It is easy to understand

how your emotions can be all over the place. Given your circumstance your current "reality" is that your life is in competition with "celebrities". 

The truth is that this is not the reality at all, and your wife let herself just be influenced in that way. Had it not been this guy....it would have been

someone else ..... anyone else. Your brain is all caught up in the fog .... it's going to clear up but it is going to take some time. The best approach

is to try not it let it impact your world too much. To everyone else it just looks like your acting very strange. We have all seen people going through

divorce and can't figure out why they are doing things that are so unbelievably illogical. Right now you are that person.


Celebrities ...... If I could find a channel on the television that kept my wife's motor going I'd be sure to do more house chores myself so she could have some TV time !!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

FMLuder1013 said:


> ....the fact that women react to Magic Mike...or whatever turns them on...significantly stronger than they will EVER react to their husbands. Essentially it’s admitting that wives need something else to put them in the mood because their husbands don’t.


There is no such thing as being able to compete with FANTASY.....it's only FANTASY.....not REALITY.

If I honestly thought I was in competition with the THOR guy, I'd be feeling pretty insecure....but the REALITY is that I'm not....and never will be.

There in is the issue: I understand I'm not in competition with him while you do not.


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## FMLuder1013 (Dec 26, 2018)

Competition? I’m asking why it doesn’t bother you that your wife needs something else to put her in the mood because you don’t?

I don’t see where competition comes into it? I’m wouldn’t dare compete with Chris Hemsworth or Channing Tatum... I would lose everytime. 

BTW...I’m watching Magic Mike right now and honestly... I think even I want to hookup with Channing Tatum lmao


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## FMLuder1013 (Dec 26, 2018)

Another thought...when it comes to FANTASY vs reality....FANTASY wins because reality sucks


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## Spent (Jan 27, 2019)

I have never thought I had to compete with the guys in the movies, although anyone who has not fantasized about being them or emulating some of the super heroes behaviors is a liar!! All American kids do, to some age anyway (some longer than others I suppose?)

What I will say I find curious in the issue is this. When a married woman is ask why she does not want to have sex more, many will say because they need more intimacy and foreplay to become aroused, the physical act is not what is important. But then some can watch a movie with hot guys (I mean I guess they are to them??) and get turned on? So where is the foreplay and intimacy they said they needed from husbands in order to get turned on? So it seems like a contradiction of sorts to me?? 

Although I can also speculate that it is the safeness of it being a movie! They can let themselves fantasize about sex with the guy on TV, because they know they will not actually have to have sex with him? Kinda like reading all the romance novels? However, at some point in the fantasy their arousal may require more than fantasy? Again, all speculation on my part?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

FMLuder1013 said:


> Competition? I’m asking why it doesn’t bother you that your wife needs something else to put her in the mood because you don’t?
> 
> I don’t see where competition comes into it? I’m wouldn’t dare compete with Chris Hemsworth or Channing Tatum... I would lose everytime.
> 
> BTW...I’m watching Magic Mike right now and honestly... I think even I want to hookup with Channing Tatum lmao


It's just a human response thing, nothing more. If she wants to watch fifty shades then I'm all for it. 

It doesn't bother me because I don't honestly believe that I can't put my wife in the mood. That being said, I do my best to provide the type of environment

so that she can be in the mood. Date nights, time together, validation, etc etc etc. 

Many people likely end up in your position because they didn't understand that relationships take effort.


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## FMLuder1013 (Dec 26, 2018)

Spent - excellent point about how women can’t get turned on by their husbands and then scream their heads off at Channing Tatum’s abs. Read my mind. I mean it’s kind of the tagline of the movie. “ you’re the husband they never had, you’re the dream guy that never came along”. The whole point of this stuff is pretty much stated explicitly: “forget about your husband and enjoy yourself “

I also always find it quite interesting that women don’t want to ever talk about this or just dismiss feelings like these as being stupid. Silence or avoiding the question kinda says a lot without saying anything, if you get what I’m saying.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

OP you are obsesses with celebrity and fantasy because you imagine that these are the things that ruined your marriage. They were not. Your wife cheated for reasons that had NOTHING to do with fantasy or celebrity. She cheated with the semi-famous athlete because she wanted to have sex with some one else, that some one else just happened to be semi-famous. But it was HER that wanted to cheat. Now you need to figure out why. It may have been something you did or didn't do or it may have just been something in her. So stop obsessing over non-issues and start trying to determine the real causes. You are drilling yourself ever deeper into the ground with your obsession.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Women do get turned on by their husbands, I am 56, and can reassure you that I would rather be turned on by my partner than anyone else. I was married for 24 years. I think you basically answered your own question with your opening post. You said you would masturbate and think of the girl that turned you on. Women are less likely to masturbate but instead will take that passion to their husbands instead. I think it is the difference in how men and women think and relate.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

FM, I believe this bothers you so much because of your STBX's lack of desire for you. If the two of you shared a healthy initmate life, then you wouldnt even think twice about this. You already feel "less than." Men and women being attracted to a hot famous person on screen is perfectly normal.. dont we ALL appreciate attractiveness?? And isnt it way better for a partner to find an on-screen person who they will never meet in real life, sexy, rather than say, your next door neighbor or your best friend??


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

AVR1962 said:


> Women do get turned on by their husbands, I am 56, and can reassure you that I would rather be turned on by my partner than anyone else. I was married for 24 years. I think you basically answered your own question with your opening post. You said you would masturbate and think of the girl that turned you on. Women are less likely to masturbate but instead will take that passion to their husbands instead. I think it is the difference in how men and women think and relate.


I with you ..... I'd rather go to my wife. Hell if I were going to the shower to masturbate I'd invite her along to assist.

Edit: And hopefully she just got done watching some Aquaman !!


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

I think you need to stop thinking about it. JUST KIDDING.

But I do think it is sad that this bothers you. I'm curious - what is at the heart of this bothering you? Are you afraid that since some movie star is cute and turns on your woman, that she is comparing you to him and you come up short and she wishes she was not married to you?

As a woman, i can assure you that while women may like to get silly, drink a little wine and giggle over some 30 year old movie star, and maybe even fantasize about having sex with him, women in general do not fall in love -- or even want sex -- based on looks alone. And grown women know the perfect things a movie star says and does in a scripted movie are not what any real man is going to be like. They're not suddenly dissatisfied with their husband because of some celebrity. If you ex was like that, she was NOT a normal woman.

I can also assure you that no matter how good looking someone is, there will always be plenty of better looking people out there. If people became dissatisfied with their partner as soon as they saw someone better looking, no relationship would make it more than 3 weeks. I mean apparently Bill Joel cheated on Christie Brinkley. It's simply not possible to be so good looking or perfect that no one else is ever going to be physically attractive to your partner. 

One thing that is NOT attractive IS insecurity. Luckily for you, you have nothing to be insecure over. It's perfectly natural for a woman to think some movie star is "cute" and maybe even fantasize about having sex with him. It doesn't mean she wishes she actually WAS having sex with him, or ever would actually have sex with him. And if she's with you you ARE attractive to her.

Also, keep in mind the things that make a man attractive to a woman go way beyond looks. It's much more personality, how he treats you, his sense of humor, his character, his demeanor, his reliability, *his confidence*, etc.

I was reading another thread on here about what turns women on and I realized that OF the movie stars I've thought were REALLY HOT -- most of them were actually NOT good looking! It was more a certain personality type -- confidence had a lot to do with it -- that made them sexy.

In conclusion, just know that for every guy who is hotter than you, there is another one hotter than him. Nothing you can do about it, and that's okay, because it is completely insignificant. 

Next time your in public, watch the couples walking around. There is proof everywhere that you definitely do NOT have to be good looking to find true love.





your woman will be comparing you not love you or find you sexually attractive






FMLuder1013 said:


> Ok so I’m going through a divorce and trying to get my confidence back and all that but there’s something on my mind that’s just won’t go away. I feel stupid for feeling this way and I have brought up this issue before on here but most responses basically say to not think about it but I do so here goes....
> 
> Anyone who’s read my other threads knows the issues I have had with my soon to be ex-wife and celebrity crushes....well I started thinking about this again tonight after having some drinks with a buddy of mine and he mentioned that next weekend his wife were having a “Magic Mike Night”.
> 
> ...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Dude you married a women who was willing to abandon years of marriage and even her kids for 2 hours of sex with a man she just met just because he was famous. If she was willing to do this no wonder you were having issues with her before this happened. Seems your intuition was right about her, it was only a case of opportunity, one hadn't come yet. Your soon to be ex wife is not marriage material. Sounds like she has mental health issues actually. 

Don't judge other women on the person you married, I mean hearing your story even some prostitutes are more loyal then that. It won't be hard to do better.

Work on your picker and stop worrying about the other stuff. If you find the right women none of this stuff will be an issue. 

Get in shape, lift weights, do things that make you happy and confident. Realize that even if you are cheated on you will always have options and will be fine. Then live your life.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

FMLuder1013 said:


> Competition? I’m asking why it doesn’t bother you that your wife needs something else to put her in the mood because you don’t?
> 
> I don’t see where competition comes into it? I’m wouldn’t dare compete with Chris Hemsworth or Channing Tatum... I would lose everytime.
> 
> BTW...I’m watching Magic Mike right now and honestly... I think even I want to hookup with Channing Tatum lmao


Who says he doesn't put his wife in the mood. It's not either or. People like to look at attractive people, but healthy people (unlike your wife) understand that it's just a fantasy.

How does this work for you, did seeing some beautiful model make you loss attraction to your wife? Probably not, that is the way it is with most healthy people. Your wife isn't that.

The lesson isn't you can't compete with fantasy, the lesson is don't marry ****ty people.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP,

Bear in mind just going through a D can create many questions each will never have all the answers for. As such one has to let them go, and understand it's a normal circumstance. 

Hard, but also normal to get through it.

You can do it.

One day there will be another woman who will treat you totally different than your stbxw.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

FMLuder1013 said:


> I don’t see a cheeseburger and get hungry and then go eat pizza and pretend it’s a cheeseburger...if that makes any sense.



Kind of. Most importantly you should check your diet because neither cheeseburgers or pizzas are going to be good for you in the long run...

I would say it’s more like ordering a tuna salad but they bring you a chicken salad instead. It’s still a salad!

Anyway, I haven’t read your story so I’m not sure what’s going on but there are often other reasons why someone would have feelings of insecurity overflooding them. Maybe you subconsciously feel your wife is or was not really into you or the sex or whatever (for reasons that may have nothing to do with you) and then of course something like this would completely throw you off or be the final straw.

If she is/was completely crazy about you, or even moderately crazy and having sex with you regularly then her looking at actors that she can’t really easily have sex with wouldn’t really be bothering you.

I have the opposite ‘problem’ (it is not really a problem) in that I sometimes want her to be turned on by stuff on her own, because she is a...person and a woman...nothing to do with me, and not because it turns ME on.
She will usually get turned on by stuff that turns me on because she gets turned on by me getting turned on, and never just ‘cos she gets horny etc, if you see what I mean.

But then again if she was completely ‘out of control’ and not being able to stop fantasising about other people’s private parts while ignoring me at the same time, it would be a serious problem. You can’t have it in perfect balance (you don’t need to). But it sounds as though you are separating over something else?



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

The reality is that most women as well as most men may fantasize about an extremely attractive person, but when meeting them IRL would probably be turned off as hell over the narcissism and/or insecurities of that person. Many of these people need the adoration and fawning, like a normal person needs air to breathe. Very few celebrities happen upon stardom without having many other issues. It is no different than CEOs, rock stars, actors and actresses or any other person of fame.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

FMLuder1013 said:


> Also....something weighing on my mind.
> 
> I know everyone is going to tell me it’s no big deal but I’d like a little more elaboration on that because one thing that just doesn’t sit well with me....the fact that women react to Magic Mike...or whatever turns them on...significantly stronger than they will EVER react to their husbands.



My wife doesn’t (at least she often tells me she doesn’t when I ask). And I don’t get turned on as much by porn or celebrities because I find her hotter (have you seen celebrities without make up?)
Sure, some are nice to look at purely from aesthetic point of view but it doesn’t mean I would rather sleep with them than my wife.

You just have to find a good’un (wife). Then everything else falls into place.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

FMLuder1013 said:


> Also....something weighing on my mind.
> 
> I know everyone is going to tell me it’s no big deal but I’d like a little more elaboration on that because one thing that just doesn’t sit well with me....the fact that women react to Magic Mike...or whatever turns them on...significantly stronger than they will EVER react to their husbands. Essentially it’s admitting that wives need something else to put them in the mood because their husbands don’t. And the same old tired response along the lines of “ well, she’s never going to meet Channing Tatum “. Just implies that the husband is second place because her first choice isn’t going to happen. So I guess the husband should be excited over being their wives “silver medal”?


See, I don't think you're correct here. I think they're just being silly when they react so strongly. And it's safe to do so because he's not real and he's not actually going to expect them to have sex with him just because they made cat-calls at some movie he's in. If they fantasize about him while having sex with their husbands, I think that's also just a little game. Something entertaining they can do in their minds.

I think these women DO get that hot about their husbands -- At least they did originally. But when you're with someone day in and day out you are not going to feel that lust every minute of every day or even every time you make love.

I find it amusing if I think my guy is a little hot for some celebrity, in fact I know one TV News personality he really likes so occasionally in bed I'll say things about her and how you know she'd want to do a 3 some with us and we could do this and that to her and make her do this and that to us. In real life I would never want to do a three-some. Gross. Nasty. And I really don't think he would either (because he wouldn't want to hurt our relationship). But playing around in bed it's like I have super powers just saying this stuff 'cause it turns him on. So, ok, sure, it's thinking about this other person that's adding to the excitement, but I'm the one creating the environment where he can relax and admit he's a normal man who gets turned on by hot women and we can have fun with it so that in turn, turns me on more.

Next time you're in a serious relationship if your woman has a little crush on some movie star, learn some of his lines and push her up against the wall from behind and say them in her ear. Just a thought... ;-)


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I think the thread title says it's all. Your issues rests solely in insecurity. You are thinking that a woman is only getting turned on for sex due to seeing a movie ir reading a story. Being turned on by one thing does not mean she can't desire her husband also. Just because she comes home from a movie and wants sex doesn't mean she wouldn't have wanted sex even if she hadn't seen the movie also. If the only way a woman can get turned on to have sex with her husband is outside stimulus, there are other bigger issues going on than movies.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

@FMLuder1013 OH..... that was you! I'm sorry. Forget everything I said -- ok, don't forget it -- just know -- YOU EX was definitely NOT NORMAL. A normal woman who is SINGLE would not have sex with some guy she just met because of his celebrity status.

But no wonder you're obsessing over this. All I can tell you is there was something wrong with her, I remember your thread now and I was convinced she's bi-polar or something.

Normal people do not actually want to have sex with people just because they are celebrities. And I second everything sokillme says here. The best medicine might be for you to start dating when you're ready, try to date a few different women, and really pay attention to the differences in their personalities. Most women would NEVER do what your ex did. Would not even WANT to.





sokillme said:


> Dude you married a women who was willing to abandon years of marriage and even her kids for 2 hours of sex with a man she just met just because he was famous. If she was willing to do this no wonder you were having issues with her before this happened. Seems your intuition was right about her, it was only a case of opportunity, one hadn't come yet. Your soon to be ex wife is not marriage material. Sounds like she has mental health issues actually.
> 
> Don't judge other women on the person you married, I mean hearing your story even some prostitutes are more loyal then that. It won't be hard to do better.
> 
> ...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

My wife is actually insecure about this but not me.

If there is a celebrity, athlete, musician or actress, that revs my motor, she hates it even though I'm not crass or crude about it and I lavish affection on her all the time both in and out of bed.

I would never cheat on her to up my standing, with a celebrity either.

Mrs. Conan can get worked up by celebrities but is mostly shy and embarrassed about it and it doesn't bother me in the least.

I am the world premiere expert on working my woman and I am more confident than is probably good for me but I think it is mostly funny.

I absolutely believe it is a fairly serious problem if a woman has to go look at celebrities or strippers to get really excited about sex with their hubby and vice versa.

It doesn't seem a problem to me if people get their fires stoked occasionally by others, we are all human, but they need to develop and keep their desire for their mates strong.

I had a difficult talk with a friend several years ago because his wife went to "Thunder Down Under" every chance she got and was even posting pictures on Facebook of her sitting on stripper laps and sandwiched (standing up) between two bronzed beefcakes as well as having a picture of it hanging in their living room.

He loved the sex he got from her when she came from getting worked up and rubbed on by strippers but I told him it was unhealthy as hell.

She didn't like me much after that but at least the pictures came down.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S.

Your ex is deranged.

You might need to up your game but that had nothing to do with her skanking the hell out and loving her crotch monster 👾 more than her husband and children!


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

FMLuder1013 said:


> Competition? I’m asking why it doesn’t bother you that your wife needs something else to put her in the mood because you don’t?
> 
> I don’t see where competition comes into it? I’m wouldn’t dare compete with Chris Hemsworth or Channing Tatum... I would lose everytime.
> 
> BTW...I’m watching Magic Mike right now and honestly... I think even I want to hookup with Channing Tatum lmao


LOL. It doesn't bother him because:

1. The fact that his wife gets turned on by a celebrity and has some fun, hot sex with him while fantasizing about said celebrity.

In no way at all means 

2. She needs something OTHER than him to put her in the mood.

Look at you -- you've got a buzz and you're laughing about starting a bro-mance with Channing Tatum yourself, LOL. But if you ran into him in a bar, it wouldn't matter how drunk you were, you wouldn't start stalking him.

You had the misfortune of having the horrible experience you had with your ex and a celebrity. But YOU were not the problem. Your abnormal, selfish, shallow, mentally ill wife was.

Think of it this way - most parents love their children based on pure instinct. When a parent abandons their child, no one questions the child. The parent is obviously flawed. If someone else comes along and adopts the child, the odds are high they will love that child and never abandon him or her. But the child may live in fear of being abandoned because while it's statistically unlikely, that is what they experienced. That is how they now see this dangerous world.

You experienced a statistical anomaly, but you're scarred from it. It will take some time to heal. And if you were insecure to begin with, it's very possible your subconscious picked a bad egg on purpose. So what you can do is be really careful who you pick in the future and make sure you understand what drew you to that unstable person in the first place.


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## FMLuder1013 (Dec 26, 2018)

Yeah everyone is right. I actually looked up a bunch of articles on Magic Mike written by women and even the reasons why women liked the movie and the guys in it were mostly tied into the fact that the men in the movie were actually sensitive caring guys who actually cared about pleasing women. Of course women love their bodies but if the movie had just been hot guys....women wouldn’t like it as much. In the end most fans of the movie like the characters more so than anything else, and that made them even more physically attractive then they already were.

As far as getting back into the dating game....not going to happen. I understand all this is stupid and it’s something I have to work out with myself. I’m just always going to struggle with this insecurity, I don’t think I can handle the fact that a woman that I’m hypothetically sleeping with is fantasizing about a hotter guy. I’m not sure how to become comfortable with that.

Even though I’m not going to date again, I do already work out a lot and I am in good shape. I played sports in college and I am honestly in better shape than I was back then. I actually take pride in the fact that I’m 35 but women I meet in their early to mid twenties think I’m their age.

Thanks for all the great replies... I am very aware of how annoying and unattractive insecurity is but I just need to get this stuff off my chest, it’s bugging me so much


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

FM are you in therapy? If not, I really think you should be. You wont even be happy single and on your own if you carry around this much insecurity.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

FMLuder1013 said:


> Yeah everyone is right. I actually looked up a bunch of articles on Magic Mike written by women and even the reasons why women liked the movie and the guys in it were mostly tied into the fact that the men in the movie were actually sensitive caring guys who actually cared about pleasing women. Of course women love their bodies but if the movie had just been hot guys....women wouldn’t like it as much. In the end most fans of the movie like the characters more so than anything else, and that made them even more physically attractive then they already were.
> 
> As far as getting back into the dating game....not going to happen. I understand all this is stupid and it’s something I have to work out with myself. I’m just always going to struggle with this insecurity, I don’t think I can handle the fact that a woman that I’m hypothetically sleeping with is fantasizing about a hotter guy. I’m not sure how to become comfortable with that.
> 
> ...


I think you really need some counseling. This is deeper than insecurity, it is driven by insecurity, but you're taking to to another level. You're assuming if a woman finds another guy attractive, then she must be fantasizing about the other guy instead of you. I do think you are self aware enough to stay away from trying to date until you get this fixed in your mind, which is good, but you can work on this. You can come to the realization that your wife cheating was about her and not you. Because you wife was f'ed up doesn't mean all women are. 

Lots of people say getting back in the game is the best way to get your groove back. You need to do a little work but you need to be more positive and get your confidence back. Stop turning little meaningless things into crippling insecurities.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

FMLuder1013 said:


> As far as getting back into the dating game....not going to happen. I understand all this is stupid and it’s something I have to work out with myself. I’m just always going to struggle with this insecurity, I don’t think I can handle the fact that a woman that I’m hypothetically sleeping with is fantasizing about a hotter guy. I’m not sure how to become comfortable with that.


It sounds like you are not ready to get back in the game and it's good to stay out of it for now. But never say never...

One other thought for you -- Us Women? We can get laid any time we want. And we know it. If a woman is having sex with *you *it's because she wants to be having sex with _*you*_. If she was wishing she was with someone "hotter," she could go get someone "hotter."

Good luck. Expect the next year or so to be a major roller coaster emotionally and just hang in there. it will level out eventually.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

FMLuder1013 said:


> Women get turned on by other men and sleep with their husbands? I mean how can you NOT be depressed by this?


I get turned on lots by seeing other women (or watching porn) and then have sex with my wife.

Of course, I don't make a major point of exactly why I'm aroused (not that she'd care much either way, but it just seems like bad form).


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

FMLuder1013 said:


> Competition? I’m asking why it doesn’t bother you that your wife needs something else to put her in the mood because you don’t?


If that were the ONLY thing that got her in the mood or if she never got in the mood because of me...... 

that's a different story.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Spent said:


> What I will say I find curious in the issue is this. When a married woman is ask why she does not want to have sex more, many will say because they need more intimacy and foreplay to become aroused, the physical act is not what is important. But then some can watch a movie with hot guys (I mean I guess they are to them??) and get turned on? So where is the foreplay and intimacy they said they needed from husbands in order to get turned on? So it seems like a contradiction of sorts to me??


Just because, generally, women's sex drive is less visual doesn't mean it's not visual AT ALL,

And, of course, individual aren't "general" woman.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Mr.Married said:


> If I honestly thought I was in competition with the THOR guy, I'd be feeling pretty insecure....but the REALITY is that I'm not....and never will be.


My wife does me the favor of saying "he's not her type".

When noticing attractive features of members of the opposite sex, we always say "That's the *second best* X I ever saw."


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Ynot said:


> The reality is that most women as well as most men may fantasize about an extremely attractive person, but when meeting them IRL would probably be turned off as hell over the narcissism and/or insecurities of that person. Many of these people need the adoration and fawning, like a normal person needs air to breathe. Very few celebrities happen upon stardom without having many other issues. It is no different than CEOs, rock stars, actors and actresses or any other person of fame.


It's got to be next to impossible to grow up with everybody offering you whatever you want with no effort on your part and turn out to be a well developed human being.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Buddy400 said:


> It's got to be next to impossible to grow up with everybody offering you whatever you want with no effort on your part and turn out to be a well developed human being.


Hmmm...there seems to be an assumption that being famous/successful 'requires no effort on your part'. Sometimes you can be lucky, but the majority of the times, you need other things, in addition to luck and effort/hard work is one of them (assuming we are not talking about big brother celebrity types).


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Ynot said:


> The reality is that most women as well as most men may fantasize about an extremely attractive person, but when meeting them IRL would probably be turned off as hell over the narcissism and/or insecurities of that person. Many of these people need the adoration and fawning, like a normal person needs air to breathe. Very few celebrities happen upon stardom without having many other issues. It is no different than CEOs, rock stars, actors and actresses or any other person of fame.


I agree with this.

I won't presume to speak for all women but I don't seem to be any great anomaly, based on the women in my social circles. For me, there's a difference between recognizing someone is very attractive, being very attracted to someone, and wanting to actually have sex with someone. I can watch a film and know that the hunky male character is attractive. I might even meet an attractive man in person and find myself attracted to him. But actually wanting to have sex with a man is really pretty rare for me. And it's not all based on looks. In, fact, I've literally_ never_ encountered a man who was so good looking that I wanted to shag him no matter what his mind and personality were like. I like sex, but I'm just not interested in having it with a man I don't like - or know well enough to know whether I like or not - no matter how hot he is. 

So, I'll go with my girlfriends to share a couple bottles of wine and watch a bawdy film occasionally. I hoot and holler at all those sleek abs and tight butts. I laugh swooningly at a sexy accent or heroic deeds. Then I go home to my SO. And maybe we have sex when I get home, because looking at all that hotness has maybe got me a little hot too and I really want to have sex with the hot man I'm truly interested in. Maybe we have sex because I'm in a good mood and a little tipsy. Maybe we have sex because he's hot and bothered when I get there and he turns me on. But I'm never imagining - much less actually wishing - that my SO was Thor or Magic Mike or even the actors who play those parts. And my SO isn't bothered by it because he knows that I wouldn't actually go have sex with one of those men, even if they showed up on the doorstep one night, even if I could be sure my SO would never find out. Because that's just not who I am. I'm not waiting around for a chance to cheat on him. I'm just not. If my SO thought I were, he'd be long gone. So he's just not insecure about it. 

Nor am I bothered by him finding beautiful, sexy, women attractive. They _are_ attractive. If I thought he was looking to cheat, I'd bail on him so fast his head would spin. But, as he does with me, I recognize that there is a difference between finding someone sexy and actually wanting to have sex with them. There's nothing wrong with being attracted to other people. In fact, it's entirely normal to be able to find more than one person at a time sexually attractive. It _becomes_ a problem when you start to do something about that attraction in such a way that you're compromising your own integrity and the fidelity of your primary relationship.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

My wife and I have always said "doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home".
BUT if she NEVER got fired up for sex with me WITHOUT some sort of "external" stimulation, then yeah I could see your point. If so, that is specific to YOUR wife (and in all fairness, she is a piss poor example of a woman or wife).


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

inmyprime said:


> Hmmm...there seems to be an assumption that being famous/successful 'requires no effort on your part'. Sometimes you can be lucky, but the majority of the times, you need other things, in addition to luck and effort/hard work is one of them (assuming we are not talking about big brother celebrity types).


I do not believe that is what was being suggested. Obviously effort is required to do anything. But what was being suggested is that when someone is "given" things, for instance sex, or money or education or even a free pass, that is not given to everyone else, then it might be very difficult to grow as a person. Since all of your "needs" are attended to, there is no need to grow as a person.
Take for instance, the star athlete, who is given a pass to not study and instead is just passed thru the system in order to allow them to perform in athletics. They never really learn anything. The same applies in life situations. They may put great effort into being the athlete that they are, but never develop into anything beyond that. Then when forced to interact in real life situations are completely devoid of any skill required to do so.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

If a woman was watching a Thor or Aquaman movie and didn't say something once like "wow he's hot" that would be abnormal in itself 😉.

But you've got to know you're the barbarian of your own home. 

Make that point sleeping with your household woman as often as you want. (or insert GF of choice here)

Actors, businessmen, blue collar, white collar, ******* none of these classifications matter. Just different environments.

You've got to know each man is his own man, in his environment. 

Money or no, muscles or no, a man's or woman's strength comes from within. Their character and core values.

Me, I say from God and within, but I'm a Christian, not all are, and that's ok. This isn't about God.

Be your inner barbarian!! 

I'm Ragnar of my household. It's not always easy but never say die!

😊😊😊


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## Anon Ten (Jan 11, 2019)

Have you only ever got turned on by your wife? I don't think so.

Why should she only ever get turned on by you? 

People like to fantasize. Sometimes driving my car I might like to pretend I'm driving a Ferrari. Doesn't mean I'd trade in my car, sell my house, and start making payments on an unreliable, high maintenance Ferrari, even if I could afford it.

Your friend is taking advantage of the situation to benefit himself and and increase intimacy in his marriage. You are letting your marriage die because you are jealous?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

" You are letting your marriage die because you are jealous?
" 
NOPE -- SHE killed it by going out a banging a "minor" sports figure and telling him she wanted OUT of the marriage and LEAVE HER KIDS so that she can go out and be a party girl.


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## FMLuder1013 (Dec 26, 2018)

Yeah I’m in therapy right now, have been for a while. 

Everybody has made a lot of good points. Me and the wife have filed for an uncontested divorce and the laws in our state make the process somewhat easy so that’s good and it looks like if everything goes as it has been....everything will be finalized possibly as early as April, maybe sooner, not sure yet. 

I will admit, I see women I’m attracted to and I get envious of others sex/love lives. I just don’t see how I can do it. I don’t see any time for me to date and the idea of even subtly flirting with someone....gives me intense anxiety. As dramatic as it sounds, I just feel dead inside romantically if that makes any sense?

I’m babbling...


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

" I don’t see any time for me to date and the idea of even subtly flirting with someone....gives me intense anxiety. As dramatic as it sounds, I just feel dead inside romantically if that makes any sense?
" 
Work on that with your IC. You CAN get past that. Of course it will be a while before you WANT to do that, so start working on it now...


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

FMLuder1013 said:


> Yeah I’m in therapy right now, have been for a while.
> 
> Everybody has made a lot of good points. Me and the wife have filed for an uncontested divorce and the laws in our state make the process somewhat easy so that’s good and it looks like if everything goes as it has been....everything will be finalized possibly as early as April, maybe sooner, not sure yet.
> 
> ...


 You're not babbling, you're making absolute sense for someone in your situation and along the same timeline. Time will help heal the anxiety and lack of desire for a relationship. Given time, you'll be fine. I'm sure of it.


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## FMLuder1013 (Dec 26, 2018)

Time? I wish this was like a broken bone...I could go to a doctor and they tell me how long it would take to heal so I could be done with feeling like this. I’m so freaking weird right now... I actually googled “how to become asexual “ lmao

I mostly did it as a joke but I thought to myself....wouldn’t it be nice to be able to just get rid of your sex drive, need for intimacy,passion and all that?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

FMLuder1013 said:


> Time? I wish this was like a broken bone...I could go to a doctor and they tell me how long it would take to heal so I could be done with feeling like this. I’m so freaking weird right now... I actually googled “how to become asexual “ lmao
> 
> I mostly did it as a joke but I thought to myself....wouldn’t it be nice to be able to just get rid of your sex drive, need for intimacy,passion and all that?


This is all fresh, everything going on just happened, so give yourself a break. You are freaking out about things that are not even happening, so BREATHE. You dont even have a real routine established at this point, let alone have a plan for a social life. You are going to feel very differently in 3 months from now, then six months from now, etc. and everything really is going to turn out ok.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

FMLuder1013 said:


> Time? I wish this was like a broken bone...I could go to a doctor and they tell me how long it would take to heal so I could be done with feeling like this. I’m so freaking weird right now... I actually googled “how to become asexual “ lmao
> 
> I mostly did it as a joke but I thought to myself....wouldn’t it be nice to be able to just get rid of your sex drive, need for intimacy,passion and all that?


Even though in my previous statement I mentioned your the "guy acting weird" ..... That stuff is going to pass. That mess in your mind will pass and clarity
will begin. I'm sure of it. 

Truth is your not nearly the mess some guys make of themselves on here. Your just in the rut right now. Your prospects are pretty good. Try not to be too hard
on yourself.

There are plenty quality women out there. She will come along when the time is right and your "broken bones" have healed.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

FMLuder1013 said:


> Time? I wish this was like a broken bone...I could go to a doctor and they tell me how long it would take to heal so I could be done with feeling like this. I’m so freaking weird right now... I actually googled “how to become asexual “ lmao
> 
> I mostly did it as a joke but I thought to myself....wouldn’t it be nice to be able to just get rid of your sex drive, need for intimacy,passion and all that?


Actually, during a painful transition like divorce, sometimes people temporarily get on anti depressants. And some anti depressants are known to knock your sex drive off the shelf. So it might be something to look into as a temporary fix until you can get your head on straight.


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

My automatic response when Im turned on by ANYTHING, is to want my man. It doesnt matter what triggered that feeling. I can get the turned on feeling from any source but the only outlet I want is my partner and I sure as hell dont think about the source of it when I am with him. 

Nothing makes me crave food like seeing a commercial for red lobster or any kind of seafood. My mouth waters and Im automatically hungry. The thing is I dont like the taste of seafood AT ALL. I dont eat any of it. But seeing it sure makes me want to eat something I do like. 

Sent from my SM-A530W using Tapatalk


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

A lack of confidence--insecurity--in yourself at this time is normal--even if her infidelity wasn't your fault at all. Things are in upheaval and I expect you have anxiety in several areas. You'd like to have answers why she abandoned you, motherhood, and marriage. There isn't just one reasons, but many--TNTC likely. 

IC would help you process and grow. Don't worry about future stuff. Embrace singleness and becoming a better you.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

inmyprime said:


> Hmmm...there seems to be an assumption that being famous/successful 'requires no effort on your part'. Sometimes you can be lucky, but the majority of the times, you need other things, in addition to luck and effort/hard work is one of them (assuming we are not talking about big brother celebrity types).


Successful requires a lot of effort. Famous if you're famous because you're successful, yes. Just famous, not so much (but then, Kim Kardashian probably works harder at being famous than most people work at their jobs).

My comment was more about fabulous looking people. Having members of the opposite sex constantly throw themselves at your feet may be a lot of fun, but it can't be good for character development.


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## FMLuder1013 (Dec 26, 2018)

So I had something happen last night that I felt compelled to share on here. It’s not good so if you’re tired of my whiny negativity...keep scrolling lol

I was invited over to a friends house to hangout, most people were married and the men hung out in one part of the house and the women in another part of the house. So I decided to have quite a few drinks, I end up going to the bathroom quite a few times as a result lol. Well, I pass by the area in the house the women are hanging out and overheard them talking about me and my wife. I don’t want this post to be too long so to paraphrase the conversation...they were all jealous of my wife and a couple of the women wanted to know more details because they thought it was “hot” but felt sorry for me so they didn’t want to ask. 

Oh yeah and two women at work were talking and one of them said she would 100% dead serious leave her husband for Tom Hardy.

I’m on quite the roll with things I’m overhearing lol

Needless to my eyes have been opened this past month to some harsh realities


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

you should have told those women that it's "HOT" to go be a ****, cheat on your husband and abandon your family? THEN say, I'm sure your husbands will be interested to know this -- I'm going to go tell them now.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

jlg07 said:


> you should have told those women that it's "HOT" to go be a ****, cheat on your husband and abandon your family? THEN say, I'm sure your husbands will be interested to know this -- I'm going to go tell them now.


Of course.

OP,What type of people are you hanging out with?!?

Sounds like the trailer trash I grew up around or the folks living in the meth lab that passed for my family's first apartment.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

The big question is would ANY of these stars be the least bit interested in the women who would wreck their own marriage for said star? Doubt it!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

FMLuder1013 said:


> So I had something happen last night that I felt compelled to share on here. It’s not good so if you’re tired of my whiny negativity...keep scrolling lol
> 
> I was invited over to a friends house to hangout, most people were married and the men hung out in one part of the house and the women in another part of the house. So I decided to have quite a few drinks, I end up going to the bathroom quite a few times as a result lol. Well, I pass by the area in the house the women are hanging out and overheard them talking about me and my wife. I don’t want this post to be too long so to paraphrase the conversation...they were all jealous of my wife and a couple of the women wanted to know more details because they thought it was “hot” but felt sorry for me so they didn’t want to ask.
> 
> ...


You just happened to over here this conversation huh? I just amazing how all these events in your life seems to just happen in exactly the way to push your buttons. Your wife talks about famous people. Then she happens to bump into someone famous who picks her out of all people and they both ignore you and go hook up. Then your friends wives all talk about hooking up with famous people too loud enough for you to overhear them. You hang with the most shallow people imaginable and so indiscreet too. How did this happen? Maybe you need to hang out with a better class of people.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

BTW, the more I think about it, I think you SHOULD tell those husbands, who are your friends, exactly what you overheard. At least this way, they are forwarned about it -- unlike you were when your STBXW pulled this crap.

And I agree with the above -- MOST women are not like that (at least none that I know) -- they really seems to be low-class.


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## FMLuder1013 (Dec 26, 2018)

Sokillme - The one night stand my wife had was awhile ago, not sure when it was, I think that night was around 2 years ago maybe? She didn’t tell me until recently when we went to counseling. We got on the topic of our nonexistent sex life and she was being evasive about why she wasn’t interested in sex with me and then she broke down and told me what happened. 

I understand after being with a hot celebrity, sleeping with me would be pretty boring. I am in good shape but I’m not a professional athlete by any means. Having a perfectly ripped body would make me kinda gross by comparison.

As far as my friends, we’re all college educated, upper middle class people...definitely not trailer trash meth heads although that comment made me laugh lol.... and I overheard my friends wives saying a bunch of stuff. I drank a lot of beer so I was hitting up the bathroom a lot hahaha

Where the bathroom is located in their house, I could hear them talking loud and clear, mostly work gossip stuff but I just happened to catch them once talking about me and my wife.... I am guilty of eavesdropping but I couldn’t help it.

I’m not going to tell my friends anything, it’s not my business. The one wife who remarked she was jealous was the same wife who wanted to have a Magic Mike night.... I think... I couldn’t see who was talking. So I know that her husband is fine with her wanting other men, he was happy with her watching those movies and getting all hot and bothered by them. Which surprised me honestly because he is about 80 lbs overweight and it’s all in his gut, I mean you watch Channing Tatum with his abs grinding for 2 hours and go home to that?......ok lol

On a better note...my divorce is going really well haha 

Might be final even sooner than I thought but it will still probably be a couple months so we’ll see...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

FMLuder1013 said:


> Sokillme - The one night stand my wife had was awhile ago, not sure when it was, I think that night was around 2 years ago maybe? She didn’t tell me until recently when we went to counseling. We got on the topic of our nonexistent sex life and she was being evasive about why she wasn’t interested in sex with me and then she broke down and told me what happened.
> 
> I understand after being with a hot celebrity, sleeping with me would be pretty boring. I am in good shape but I’m not a professional athlete by any means. Having a perfectly ripped body would make me kinda gross by comparison.
> 
> ...


Some people are ****ty. Don't use them to judge your worth. Marry someone who isn't and laugh at them. 

One day you will pity your wife. It's not going to be a fun road for her.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

To elaberate more. A large majority of women out there understand loyalty and true love. They may be attracted to Bradly Cooper but that doesn't mean that they would cheat on their husbands it just means they are attracted to Bradly Cooper. 

The problem is really in your thinking, you happened to end up with someone who is very shallow. But in knowing that now would you have picked someone like her to marry? Probably not right? No one would.

So you need to do two things. Have the courage to believe that there are women out there not like your wife. And see your ex for who she is, a bad choice. Then you will no longer care that she judged you and her marriage in such a shallow way. Something is wrong with your wife, and that has nothing to do with you. I suspect she has some sort of mental condition and this is the beginning of a downward spiral. 

Finally if these people who you were with were friends of hers then I suspect that is why they think like this, specifically the women in question. Birds of a feather. She is not very much different then the husband who goes to strip clubs and complains to his pals that his wife doesn't look like the girl on his lap. Who is constantly evaluating his life by how "hot" his wife is. There are people like that, sucks for the people who are married to them. 

What you have to have faith in, is there are also people who are NOT like that. You and I don't think like your wife, we can't be the only ones. Just read posts on the internet, how many are about how their husband's are not celebrities? Not many right?


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