# Thought? Am I reading to much into it?



## Wriwri (11 mo ago)

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. He recently started a new job in sales which is a new career move that I am supportive of. He has almost been in this position a year now. When he started it was a boys club, more recently they have hired two females. One in particular my husband has hit it off with as friends it seems, they do have a mutual friend in common that works with them. Early this month my husband mentioned to me there was a convention out of state happening and checked to see if okay with me as he would like to go. I asked him point blank if anyone else in the office was going out of curiosity and he said no one had expressed interest. As this month has gone on I continue to ask if he’s going and if anyone else is going and he says no. Just yesterday my kids were in his home office where he had his work stuff up. There was an instant message between him and this female co worker about going to this convention and chatting with their boss about it. I talked to him about it, upset, as I have asked numerous times if people were going and he has told me no, yet I read them talking about going and it would only be the two of them. I am questioning why he didn’t let me know this. Am I out of line and just being jealous? I will admit I have some jelous tendencies, but can usually keep them under wraps. Please give me your insight as you are unbiased and I don’t want family and friends involved in our stuff.
His reasoning is his boss is not going to let him go unless a veteran sales rep goes along and no one has offered to go so he didn’t feel it worth mentioning


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

If he’s hiding the fact that he’s going on a trip with a female colleague then no you’re not overreacting.


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## Angie?or… (Nov 15, 2021)

You are not out of line. He lied to you for a reason. I’m sorry.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. My take on it is he knows it's inappropriate and wants to do it anyway. He also knows how you'll react. However, your reaction is perfectly legitimate. Basically, he's lying by omission. Time to confront this head-on. JMO


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## Wriwri (11 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> If he’s hiding the fact that he’s going on a trip with a female colleague then no you’re not overreacting.


his reasoning for it is that his boss isn’t going to let him attend unless a veteran sales rep goes with so he didn’t think it worth mentioning. But I feel if I ask directly if anyone else is interested and he says no he’s not being truthful


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Yeah it really sounds like he's planning to cheat on you...or at least wants to.

Offer to go on the trip with him!


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I’m so sorry this happened.


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## bdivita (Nov 28, 2021)

Unless he just found out that the female colleague is also attending, meaning he found out after you had asked him (apparently multiple times), then he lied and I think your worries and feelings are valid. It doesn’t necessarily mean there’s something inappropriate going on between them, nobody here can say that with 100% certainty, but this sounds like an intentional lie and his “excuse” makes no sense.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I’m not buying his story.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

How are your family finances? Who looks after them? Would he notice if you hired a PI? He is acting shady. You are not out of line to be suspicious. He seems to be content to just treat you like a mushroom - keep you in the dark and feed you BS. It might be innocent, but his actions do seem to be off.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He's okay with lying to you, so of course that is something to worry about. He's sneaky.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Ask him when lying became OK in your relationship?

Ask him if he's OK with you lying to him about things from now on?

Ask him if the roles were reversed and he'd been asking you if anyone else was going on a business trip with you and you lied many times telling him no only for him to find out some man would be going with you, how would he feel?

I don't think you're overreacting, I think you're underreacting.

There is a reason or reasons he's lying to you and none of them are good.

Without trust, there really isn't a relationship.


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

Well no, you're well within your rights and reason on this one. Even if she is going with him, he could have been upfront about it. And he hasn't, this is enough to raise some questions and you really need to sit him down and thrash it out.


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## chazmataz33 (Apr 18, 2021)

I feel you need to express to him how him not telling you about her going has seriously damaged your trust in him and because of that you are now not comfortable with him going on this trip with her.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You should go with him. If he says you can’t go - that would raise more red flags.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

I don't think you should go with him. You should not have to physically police your husband. If he wants to cheat he will find a way. You can't be with him all the time. You might suggest that you are considering going along just to see his reaction. I would just make him aware of your discomfort with his closeness to the other woman. Then just observe his actions. If they both go, I would seriously consider hiring a PI if it can be done without him finding out. He has given reason to be suspicious. He will not do anything when he thinks you are watching him closely. You need to know what he will do when he thinks you will never know.


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## michelleM68 (Jan 22, 2011)

I am so sorry you are going thru this. This is exactly the same story i got and this is how my husbands EA turned into a PA. Im not saying your husband is 100 for sure going to do this but your husband is raising the hair on the back of your neck for a reason. Trust your instincts. 
Please reign this in if you want to keep your marriage. 
, per your story i thought the female was hired after the men so how can she be a senior staff. 

1. Tell your husband if he goes you have a bad feeling about this. If its volumtary and he says he is still going then...
2. Tell him calmly that you are going to seek an attorney. 
3. Call for a consultation and pay the consult fee. This way he will take you seriously. 
4. Tell him you do not want to think feel visualize him having sex with another woman while he is away and therefore he can choose his life but cake eating is not an option with you. 
5. Think real hard how you want to proceed with the future if he goes. Its important how he makes you feel emotionally safe or not.
6. If he calls you insane whacked jealous then he is possibly deflecting off of him onto you. Do not engage in this. Just say okay then you will be happy not to be married to me and walk away..remain your best self so he doesnt look at you worse than the female coworker and dont give him reason too. 
7. How you internally feel and how you wear this mask to him are two different things but he will either take you serioisly or not and will decide if the family and marriage and home he is building is worth dumping for a fling. Give him something to think about but maintain your integrity and kindness to him and vent any negative emotions or whatever here. There is a great group of people who will care about you albeit virtually. 

What this is doing is communicating your boundaries strongly. It doesnt mean you have to follow through. Call his bluff. 

Best wishes.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

If she's a recent hire - why does she qualify as a veteran sales person?

People with nothing to hide - hide nothing. And if they hide something because they know you'd object - that's inappropriate. It's deceitful behavior and when discovered - destroys your trust. 

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. And every spouse has an obligation to avoid suspicious behavior/circumstances.

Your husband failed big time.

It's now his responsibility to rebuild your trust. And because he has now earned himself the label of 'deceitful', you can't accept his promises. Now he has to show you through action. 

For example, cancelling the convention, not texting outside of work, no lunches with her alone or in a group, no drinks after work alone or in a group. Why not a group? because it's often a cover for them to 'date' or get closer.

You both should read: Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass.
It's an easy read and based on a study of couples ( good people not looking to cheat) that experienced infidelity.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

He is hiding something, and for some reason. However, I will put a different spin on this. My second ex had serious trust and co-dependence issues. She would want to track my every move. She would look at my friends list on FB and ask me how I know certain women. 

Even though I was and remained devoted to that woman, I hid certain things from her because I did not want to listen to her crap! If you are something that actively "checks on" your man constantly, you might have found a reason he is hiding things. However, I would not expect a woman to be very truthful in that internal assessment of behavior. 

I am not pointing the finger here, just throwing this for consideration. 

I am able to maintain women as complete friends. No issue at all. But as I explored having female friends because I like their company, I did learn women rarely form friendships for no reason. One side or the other are pursuing.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He’s looking forward to hanging out with a female coworker and has hidden this from you.
Don’t let anyone gaslight you.
You are reacting normally to the smell of manure.
He needs a huge wake up call. Let him know he can date his coworker after the divorce, but not before.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Wriwri said:


> There was an instant message between him and this female co worker about going to this convention and chatting with their boss about it. I talked to him about it, upset, as I have asked numerous times if people were going and he has told me no, yet I read them talking about going and it would only be the two of them.


Your husband concealed the truth from you. Not good. He should have told you every detail as things progressed, and actually should have asked if there was any way you could join him. In four decades of a profession involving many business trips, never went WITH a female colleague. We might arrive at the same job site at the same time, but we didn't travel together, stay in the same hotel, eat together, or ride in the same rental car. We were both professionals and handled our own travel. Honestly, those were my personal travel rules, lot of my male colleagues didn't follow the same procedures. We were traveling to solve problems and work, not for "recreation". My wife had an open invitation to accompany me on any trip at our personal expense, which she did only if was to an interesting location for her ( which most weren't ).


Wriwri said:


> Am I out of line and just being jealous?


No you aren't out of line. Surely your husband realizes your jealous side and conduct things in a way to assure you.


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## EranTeicher (11 mo ago)

Wriwri said:


> My husband and I have been together for 6 years. He recently started a new job in sales which is a new career move that I am supportive of. He has almost been in this position a year now. When he started it was a boys club, more recently they have hired two females. One in particular my husband has hit it off with as friends it seems, they do have a mutual friend in common that works with them. Early this month my husband mentioned to me there was a convention out of state happening and checked to see if okay with me as he would like to go. I asked him point blank if anyone else in the office was going out of curiosity and he said no one had expressed interest. As this month has gone on I continue to ask if he’s going and if anyone else is going and he says no. Just yesterday my kids were in his home office where he had his work stuff up. There was an instant message between him and this female co worker about going to this convention and chatting with their boss about it. I talked to him about it, upset, as I have asked numerous times if people were going and he has told me no, yet I read them talking about going and it would only be the two of them. I am questioning why he didn’t let me know this. Am I out of line and just being jealous? I will admit I have some jelous tendencies, but can usually keep them under wraps. Please give me your insight as you are unbiased and I don’t want family and friends involved in our stuff.
> His reasoning is his boss is not going to let him go unless a veteran sales rep goes along and no one has offered to go so he didn’t feel it worth mentioning


Sounds to me like there are a few things to figure out here: 

Did the idea of her going with him come up before he said he was going alone, or after?
Can you talk openly and freely about your feelings & needs behind this story? Your feelings are legitimate *anyway*, and especially if he's going on a work trip with some woman, and more so if he's told you he's going alone and suddenly you find out otherwise.
As a Psychologist and relationships counselor, I can recommend a really great free service that really helps with these kinds of issues.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EranTeicher said:


> Sounds to me like there are a few things to figure out here:
> 
> Did the idea of her going with him come up before he said he was going alone, or after?
> Can you talk openly and freely about your feelings & needs behind this story? Your feelings are legitimate *anyway*, and especially if he's going on a work trip with some woman, and more so if he's told you he's going alone and suddenly you find out otherwise.
> As a Psychologist and relationships counselor, I can recommend a really great free service that really helps with these kinds of issues.


As a psychologist and relationship counsellor @EranTeicher who is offering to recommend a service (free or otherwise) you will need to follow certain guidelines. You can learn about those here https://www.talkaboutmarriage.com/business/


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

If my husband said he was going alone and never brought up another person until he left, no I wouldn't be overthinking it . He wanted to keep you in the dark.


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