# Don't know if I want her back...



## turtle1214 (Oct 11, 2017)

Me: 32
Her: 28
Met: Jan 2015
Engaged: Oct 2015
Married: Mar 2017
She left: Sept 2017
Papers Served: Today

Don't feel like writing a bunch of paragraphs. You can look up my handle to see what I'm dealing with if you're so inclined. I've had two straight days of complete inner peace. I guess you'd call it serenity. Either she comes back to me and we build our crumbled marriage from the ground up and make it stronger than we ever thought possible, or she doesn't come back and we're both out of a bad marriage that neither of us wants (though I didn't see it that way at first, big surprise). Thing is, if she for some reason wanted to come back, I don't know if I'd want her back. I love her, of that I have no doubt. I will love her for the rest of my life. But I've been thinking about the rest of my life and the possibilities that are now open to me without being married. I got the papers today and instead of feeling dread like I thought I would, I thought "finally". 

Anyone on TAM ever go through something like this?

A few rules:
1) Don't talk about infidelity. I don't care what your opinion is on that particular matter
2) Don't insult my future ex-wife. It's not your place to do so
3) I'd especially like to know from anyone who initially wanted divorce or separation, changed their mind, and their spouse was like me


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I do t know ifnoutting “rules” down is going to make anyone want to reply. You could make requests, but you really can’t enforce these rules and it may just make you seem weak because you can’t deal with them.

Either way, there are all sorts of reasons people “fall” out of love. The biggest, in my opinion, is that they never were in love to begin with. They loved the idea of being in love. Either way, you probably would just do best to jack this away as a chapter in your life and move on. Never look back.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

turtle1214 said:


> Me: 32
> Her: 28
> Met: Jan 2015
> Engaged: Oct 2015
> ...




What is with the 'rule setting,' you are not a moderator and as long as I am respectful I can talk about anything I want? What are you afraid of?

Your question is strange, of course many people have gone through what you are going through.

Why did your wife leave you? Infidelity? Yours or hers?


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Until you are open minded enough to hear whatever feedback comes your way, I doubt anyone here will be able to help you.

Good luck.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Nobody likes to be the one left behind, it kind of makes you feel like a failure since you are the one who got dumped. You want to try and fix things to prove you didn't deserve it.



turtle1214 said:


> I got the papers today and instead of feeling dread like I thought I would, I thought "finally".


But I think this statement says it all. You say you love her, but do you really??? It sounds to me like deep down, you are relieved that this experience is finally over. Take your marriage and what you learned as a lesson as you move forward in life.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

aine said:


> What is with the 'rule setting,' you are not a moderator and as long as I am respectful I can talk about anything I want? What are you afraid of?
> 
> Your question is strange, of course many people have gone through what you are going through.
> 
> Why did your wife leave you? Infidelity? Yours or hers?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Rotfl




GusPolinski said:


>


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## GuacaColey (Sep 19, 2017)

Hey OP. While I think your request that no one bad-mouths your STBXW is admirable, it seems to me the lovely people of TAM sometimes need to use harsher language to make the BS or left-behind spouse move out of their stupor and start taking action. Which is usually in their best interest. 

Anyways, I won't disrespect your STBXW and I did read your thread history. So... short courtship, long engagement, you guys lived together before getting married. 

One thing that stands out to me from all your posts is you seem to be really searching for a reason as to why this is all happening, like if you can just make sense of it recovery will be so much easier. I see that you say you felt relief when you were served, but all your posts seem to indicate a desire for hope that you two will one day reconcile. 

I too, have been abandoned (emotionally and physically). The hardest thing for me was trying to understand WHY. Like you with your wife, I was active in my love for him. Anytime he came to me with an issue in our marriage, I was always trying to fix it. I was always reading books and I got involved in counseling and gave 100% towards fixing myself and saving our marriage. And like your wife, in the end he chose to leave anyways. 

I totally agree with what you said in another post that love flourishes where you water it, but I also know that one person cannot save a marriage. 

You talked about God in another post. Here is the point where you really have to trust him. Trust him with your wife, trust him with your marriage, trust him with your future. 

Think of your life as a wonderful story. And your marriage with Mrs. Turtle as a chapter in your story. It is not THE story, but just a smaller part of a bigger story. There are still so many chapters to come. And perhaps she will reappear in a chapter later on.

I love redemption stories, it's a picture of Gods love towards us. But it's also possible she will not ever come back. So you need to move forward with your life like she won't. 

Think about what kind of story you want to leave behind. Who you want to be and what you want to do. Start dreaming again. 

This is not the end for you, but a new beginning. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Why?

It's usually quite simple.

People do what they wish to do.

They do not do what they do not wish to do.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You're hurt, you want her back, you're in denial of all your true feelings. Embarrassed.
All perfectly normal feelings.

Yes, lots have been through it.
You don't have a unique situation.

How to deal with it: ACCEPTANCE.
Then deal with the rest of the grieving, then move on.

As hard as it may be to believe, she will be just another stranger to you one day.
That is, unless you don't accept that she has zero love for you and you try to bottle up the pain and grief and stupidly hope her feelings for you someday do a 180.

99% chance she will never have any feelings for you again. Good news, you are correct in your observation that there is a whole new world of women and other things for you to enjoy, without thoughts of your ex.


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## turtle1214 (Oct 11, 2017)

Maybe the rule setting was out of place. It's not that I'm trying to deny any possibilities. I've faced all the possibilities in my head already so that I can best prepare for them if they turn out to be true. I didn't need them being rehashed here. I have completely immersed myself in all the pain I needed to feel in order to let it go. I have absolutely no animosity towards my future ex-wife. I understand, as best as I'm able to, why she chose to leave. Complete strangers calling her names is disrespectful and not helpful in the least.

Like Guac said, I have accepted that God has a good plan for me, whatever that happens to be. It's because of Him that I'm at a place of peace now. I'm not pursuing her or the marriage, but I'm keeping my heart and mind open to whatever happens.

I'm definitely not in denial of my feelings. I'm not ashamed to say that I love her. I don't believe that love like what we had, and like what most people on this forum once had for each other, ever goes away. I know I will love this woman for the rest of my life. If we grow apart, then she will become a stranger, but that doesn't mean I will love her any less. Being served just means another step closer to this being over, one way or another.

For the most part, I've implemented the 180. I haven't contacted her except for financial reasons (we have a couple of credit cards we used on the house that need to be paid off before interest gets applied) and to ask her how Mayo Clinic was going a couple of times. She's back from there now so I have no personal reasons to contact her anymore. I went out to a bar with a buddy for the Blackhawks game on Wednesday. It was a bar that she and I used to go to all the time with her parents and we played volleyball there in the summer for the last three years. I knew the risk of going somewhere that we all enjoyed, but I really wanted their pizza and wings! My buddy got there before I did and just happened to pick a table right next to her parents. I saw them as I was walking up and said hi, but nothing else and sat with my buddy for the game. Didn't say another word to them. They left and told her as I knew they would (she's living with them for now until she finds her own place). She texted me saying sorry that I was trying to go out and have a good time and had to run into her parents. I told her it was ok, that there weren't any issues. She asked who I was with and I told her a new friend from church. She was surprised that I started going to church. It was the first time since she left that she showed any interest in my life. I know it's nothing to hang my hat on, but it felt like I finally got to at least tell her about the changes I've been making.

I feel like I can move on, but still keep my heart open to whatever God has planned.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Follow you gut and the realization of relief and that you can move on is your gut saying time to move on.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

turtle1214 said:


> Me: 32
> Her: 28
> Met: Jan 2015
> Engaged: Oct 2015
> ...



45% of men your age are still behaving like teenagers, can’t hold down a job, can’t pass a pee test,living at home with mommy. You sound like an adult which make you extremely 
Attractive to ADULT single women, let that sink in.
And from what I read in you post, you have discovered that there is comfort in peace of mind. ,
I have no idea of your situation but when I was your age I had been married for 10yrs, and couldn’t even imagine being without my wife who I loved.....However after we were separated I realized that I was much happier without her.
Today I am remarried to a lovely woman and couldn’t be happier......take your time and think it over....i have never make an important decision when I am angry or even annoyed. Take a week off, go fishing, or whatever it is that you enjoy. Life is to short to be in a marriage to the wrong person. 


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