# Getting married was a HUGE mistake - H won't accept it.



## refreshe (Aug 16, 2010)

Hi all -

If anyone can offer advice or share insight I'd appreciate it.

I started dating my husband in June of 2009. Had known him on and off for a couple years prior but we didn't talk a lot or anything.

He moved from AZ to WA, ended up moving right into my house with no job and just $237 a week on unemployment. He claims to have had a job lined up but he got a DUI the day he got into WA and then the job fell thru so I ended up letting him come live with me for free.

Fast forward to January of this year, still no job, he packs up all his things one day and leaves to drive back to AZ while I am at work. Tells me when he's already halway there. I forgive him and we start talking about me transferring jobs down there. I get a transfer and schedule my move. When I get to AZ, he says he does not want me to live with him and I cannot live in the same town he did (a very small one about 60 miles nw of phx) so I need to live in Phoenix. I get a weekly studio rental set up (terrible place!) and decide I'm going to move to his town because I hated Phoenix, it was too big. 

I'm going about my business, he finds out I moved to "his town" and gets mad and starts to threaten me, I say "no - you don't own this place and I'm not going to put up with this crap, leave me alone. I moved my whole life around for you and i supported you and you have treated me like crap so we are over."

I started dating someone casually, H finds out and starts calling me one night. I shut my phone off and woke up to hundreds of phone calls and text messages threatening that he is going to kill himself. I go check on him, he is crying and begging and pleading me to take him back. 

I did feel pretty alone in AZ - never been there before and quite frankly only came for H. I thought I'd give it a shot - if we got back together maybe I could forgive him and fall back in love. We got engaged 2 weeks later and then married in a courthouse 2 weeks later.

I'm disgusted with myself for taking such a strong committment so lightly but I am not in love with him, attracted to him, and I don't respect him. We've been fighting a lot and drinking a lot. sometimes I am repulsed by him and his things. He calls me all day long while he is at school and it just is so annoying to me so I shut my phone off and one day he came home early even though it meant he failed the class because he was worried since i wasn't answering my phone. 

I told him I want to see other people and I am not happy. I have explained to him how I feel and told him that I am sorry I agreed to marry him and it was a mistake and I'm trying to be honest and upfront so that the hurt is minimized. He said I can sleep with someone else if I need to "get it out of my system"!!! HOW CAN I RESPECT SOMEONE LIKE THAT? I told him it's not about getting it out of my system. I told him I want to be single and figure out who I am - I'm 22 and in college.

I feel smarter and more mature than my husband and I hate feeling like a bad person every day because I just get annoyed by him all the time. My parents do not even know I am married...I don't know what to do. He made me quit my job so now we live off of $1000 a month. He says i need to "let him love me" and all my feelings will come back. He suggested counseling which i agreed to but he hasn't made an appointment, and i told him that honestly I dn't think it will help because I do not want to be back in love with him or be married. I've only been married for 4 months. 

I'm totally at a loss. Once he got really angry, slapped me, stole my credit cards and ID and everything so I couldn't leave, and then be broke down the bedroom door. That was the first time I'd seen him be anything other than passive since we married. That alone scared the crap out of me. 

No clue at all what to do...


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

Hi Refreshe,

Your marriage happened under horrible circumstances and for all the wrong reasons. You recognized it and I feel that you are doing the right thing. You guys have a bunch of issues and you need to find your happiness. 

Abuse tends to escalate, especially where drinking is involved. Also, you should be particularly troubled that your husband is fine with you "getting it out of your system". I peg this as an extreme fear of being without you (which is also cause for concern).

I would recommend that you leave as soon as you can. If you need to go back home to your parents' house for a while in order to get on track, do that. But it seems that you are putting yourself in danger by staying. The bottom line is that you are far too young to be saddled with such unhappiness (not that unhappiness is good at any age). You have all of your life ahead of you. You made a mistake and realize it. Now, take the next step and do what you have to. Also, cancel your credit card and see about getting your marriage annulled. Good luck.


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## jeffreygropp (Jun 9, 2010)

I am not a relationship expert, but I don't think you need to be to judge this situation.

It doesn't matter if there are glimmers of hope/love there, the situation is toxic and you're going to waste years of your life... trust me.

Get out, walk away. Don't worry about money or jobs or school you can always pick things back up. Just walk away from him and never talk to him again.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Hi Kokopepps,

How are you doing now?

LW

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