# General Question



## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

What is everyones thoughts on this? is having cyber sex ie via yahoo messenger,facebook etc the same as having a physical affair? or is it something different? id like to know your views


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

While cyber sex isn't the same as physical sex, they are both cheating, IMO unless all parties in the marriage know about it and are ok with it.


----------



## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

Yeah thats what i was thinking..see my husband had this friend( i made him cut all contact with her 2 days ago because i found out he was talkin really dirty to her saying all these things he wanted to do to her and what not). theyd been friends for about 7 years on yahoo. i just wanted to know what everyone thought


----------



## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Not only is it cheating on you but he actually knows her IRL?
I have to warn you that though you 'made him cut all contact' 
they will probably just take it deeper and hide it more so you don't realize they are still doing it.
They are involved. You guy has acted independantly and will try to appear like he is still on your team. He wants you both.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If he's telling her all the dirty things he wants to do with her--yes, your husband is cheating. The fact you "found out" suggests he didn't come clean on his own, meaning you discovered it, meaning he hid it. Deception. 

If she is married/partnered--tell her husband/boyf STAT. Do so without any warning to your husband or her so they do not have time to get their stories straight. 

Get tested for STDs.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Print out the conversations if you can


----------



## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

i'll have to see what happens. because he doesnt know that i could easily find out if he's still texting her and talking to her on the phone(i have access to his online phone bills). but he claims its partially my fault because of the fact that i'm a gambling addict and fair enough i will put my hands up and say yes i have put gambling first before my husband and daughter. but i believe 2 wrongs dont make a right. i am trying to do right by controling myself. the difference between me and him is my flaw is an addiction..his was just sexual relief and revenge.


----------



## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

he was only sexting her on yahoo and possibly on the phone. but as far as i know there was no physical sex between them only virtual. she lives 3 hours away from us anyway.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Nikki195 said:


> i'll have to see what happens. because he doesnt know that i could easily find out if he's still texting her and talking to her on the phone(i have access to his online phone bills). but he claims its partially my fault because of the fact that i'm a gambling addict


And you laughed in his face, right? WHen he said that? Do not buy into it. Tell him "No. It's YOUR fault 100% that you did what you did. I am not responsible for your having sex chats with someone else. That was 100% your choice."

Don't own his BS.


----------



## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

sad part is i'm nearly 9 months pregnant too..and i didnt laugh in his face.. i owned up to the fact that i gambled alot and put my addiction before him and my kid. i knew i had it coming...i just wish he would be more honest with me


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh man. Sorry to hear about that (being pregnant and finding this out). 

Yes, you gambled. But you did not FORCE HIM or MAKE him cheat. He did that all on his own.


----------



## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

i'm gonna wait it out for a few months..i wont trust him because i'll be keeping tabs on the phone bill and on his yahoo and then i'll see if he really has given up all contact with her. i really wanna work it out


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You don't want to wait and "see if he has really given up all contact with her." You tell him it ends, or else.

You have no marriage as long as he's cheating on you.


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> You don't want to wait and "see if he has really given up all contact with her." You tell him it ends, or else.
> 
> You have no marriage as long as he's cheating on you.


Really important to heed this advice. 
Don't wait for it to happenand deal with the fallout -- get proactive to stopping it now, and _then_ continue to monitor. Set consequences, now, and mean it.


----------



## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> You don't want to wait and "see if he has really given up all contact with her." You tell him it ends, or else.
> 
> You have no marriage as long as he's cheating on you.


I second this. He is cheating, plain and simple. No one forced him to have sex chats. He chose to do that and for him to try and blame shift shows that he does not have your best interests at heart. He will probably take his actions underground unless you put some real pressure on him to stop all activity with her NOW or you walk.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I third the above. They will continue and the longer it goes on the harder it will be to kill it.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Three hours can be a pretty short distance with the right lies. Only an hour and a half if they meet in the middle.

Also wanted to add that you need to work on yourself if you want things to work. Your gambling didn't cause his cheating - but his cheating also shouldn't be an excuse for your gambling.

Take ownership of your issues and deal with them. And good luck.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Nikki195 said:


> What is everyones thoughts on this? is having cyber sex ie via yahoo messenger,facebook etc the same as having a physical affair? or is it something different? id like to know your views


 Anything you won't do in front of your spouse is cheating.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Nikki195 said:


> he was only sexting her on yahoo and possibly on the phone. but as far as i know there was no physical sex between them only virtual. she lives 3 hours away from us anyway.


 I saw one lady make her husband give her their only vehicle, leaving him and their kids stranded, so she could drive all the way across America to meet up with her cyberbuddy - just so she could 'see what he was really like.'

The idiot husband let her come home.


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> You don't want to wait and "see if he has really given up all contact with her." You tell him it ends, or else.
> 
> You have no marriage as long as he's cheating on you.


A third agreement.


----------



## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

you guys are right..and i do need to work on myself because i have gambled alot, lost quite abit and made my family struggle. i guess its because when i saw those messages he was sending her telling her what he wanted to do to her i just thought to myself " i had it coming because of my stupidity so now he's acting stupid because theres only so much he can take before he snaps". i do have to accept partial responsability because if i hadnt have done what i done ( gambling) i doubt he would have had the need to seek solice and comfort in another woman online. problem is now i couldnt keep my mouth shut about being able to see his phone bill online.. last night we got in a big fight because i accused him of lying to me when he said he only spoke to her a few times ( 3 or 4 times) the entire time we'd been married which was for 3 years now. bugt on the bill it showed he'd spoken to her on the phone and i saw quite a few texts between them over the past 6 months. they'd spoken atleast 7 times this year counting the message on yahoo that i saw which was partial cyber sex because as it looked..HE was the one putting the effort in while she was just not as receptive but it looked like she was enjoyin it, he was the one telling her what he wanted to do to her so i'd say it was just hardcore online flirting with her on his part. so we fought really bad last night about it and i dont know whats gonna happen between us now.. i think he wants me to have my baby here and then f*** off back to america after ward. bare in mind i think maybe he was telling the truth when he said this was the only time he ever spoke to her like that the entire time we'd been married but i dont know if thats entirely true because i did see a ****load of texts between them over the past few months.. not day by day texts but texts maybe 2 3 times out of the month, and then texts every two months so he wasnt speaking to her on an everyday or every week basis


----------



## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

and an update on myself... i am controlling my gambling..and i havnt gambled at all for a month. i dont intend to gamble either because regardless of what ever happens between my husband and i..i'm not gonna put my kids at financial risk. maybe this was the reality check i needed in order to stop for good.


----------



## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

oh ya in my update i forgot to mention that because we got in a heated argument last night with me not being able to get over what he'd done even tho the other night we agreed we'd start over. my husband changed the password to all his accounts.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You seem to be blaming yourself for what he did...making him less accountable. His cheating is his to own. You did not force him. It sounds like you have low self esteem. You are worth fighting for and being treated well. Never forget that. Him changing his passwords...is that supposed to. Help? Because unless he shared the new ones with you...that to me says he's hiding things. Not rebuilding your trust. Woman up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

Well i accept partial responsibility for what he had done..not all of it because the way i see it.. i gambled alot for the past year..made us struggle i put my addiction before my family at those horrible times and i am paying a price for it..but i'm controlling myself better now, and i'm going to pay all that money back to him. however i did not encourage him to seek solice for my actions in another woman online.. he did that all on his own. i'm curious tho as to if it really was cheating because he only had a yahoo chat with her and he was only saying all the things he wanted to do to her, he was he one trying to initiate cyber sex..she wasnt from what i read. to me it just seems like in my emotional state because of my pregnancy he was just trying to really get another womans juices going instead of making me feel good about myself.maybe in a sense it was cheating because he was trying to hide the convo from me by deleting it and then telling her the next morning not to message her back on here but to text him at work. what do you guys think?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Nikki, will you please break up your posts into paragraphs? I have a hard time reading such a big block of text. Thanks!

What can you do to get your husband looking at YOU again? Are you providing him sex of some sort?


----------



## InsecureSecurity (Aug 7, 2011)

turnera said:


> What can you do to get your husband looking at YOU again? Are you providing him sex of some sort?


How is that even remotely helpful? She's 9 months pregnant with his child. A decent and honest man would be so focused on his wife at that point that he wouldn't have time for any sort of affair.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just because a woman's pregnant doesn't mean she should ignore her husband's sexual needs. There are plenty of ways aside from intercourse to take care of it.


----------



## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

Nikki, I've read though the entire thread so far, and I can relate to your story. My particular addiction was online gaming and I put it before my wife and family. I'm 9 months clean now. 

My wife had an EA (Emotional Affair) via Facebook private messaging and texts. While an EA is not a PA (Physical Affair), it is STILL AN AFFAIR. In your case, the two are only three hours apart. In mine it was across the Atlantic (better for me, worse for you  ) It has been a long road (you can read about it in my own thread on this board) and we are working through it.

A lot of what is happening to you also happened to me. The denial and continued unfaithfulness (I'm inclined to believe that he is still texting/messaging her), the changing of passwords. This is totally a cheaters script. He (They) have taken it undeground and you must step up your game.

Take time, read up on spouse monitoring. Get a keylogger on his computer so you can get his new passwords and monitor his texts. Consider doing the 180 (most if not all steps). BE PREPARED to do what you need to do to snap him out of his fog if your monitoring confirms he has gone underground and is still cheating on you.

Read through The Tolstoy tale that is Shamwow's experience on this board, not only is it a good read, full of laughter, sadness, "**** yeah!" moments, but it will give you the resolve to deal with your own situation.

Good luck Nikki, we are here for you!


----------



## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Nikki195 said:


> he was only sexting her on yahoo and possibly on the phone. but as far as i know there was no physical sex between them only virtual. she lives 3 hours away from us anyway.


Yes, it may be only sexting now. But sexting is in itself a fantasy, and the biggest part of the fantasy is continuing the fantasy. If they continue to sex chat and talk dirty, over time the focus will start to shift to"if only you were here right now, the things I would do to you...". And then a plan to meet becomes planted in both people's fantasy. Next they will talk about their respective marital problems, and start badmouthing each others' spouses (you) to justify their fantasy. Once that happens it's only a matter of time before one or both give in to this. And then you're in the real mess of cleaning up the carnage of a PA.

After sexting for about a month, my STBXW and OM's texts became focused on finding possible layovers on business travel were they could meet up briefly, and ultimately planning a secret trip together to culminate the fantasy into reality. Once it's done it's done. Don't let this happen.

He changed all his passwords AFTER you talked about your concerns of faithfulness and secrecy? Bad sign. My STBXW did the same thing, even though i pointed out how counterintuitive and illogical that was after we had similar talks. You could either demand he give you all his new passwords (and you will do the same for transparency), OR (and I would do this option), keylogger time, VAR time, grab his cell phone text backups if you can, or put MobileSpy on his phone...all of this without him knowing. Read all his emails and texts (once you have the passwords from the keylogger). Only do it for a few days if it makes you uncomfortable. I didn't want to do it either, but the truth is worth it in the long run. Feel free to PM me if you need any help with the logistics.

It is very possible that it is more of a "one time thing", "just messin around", so don't mean to be doom and gloom here, I know it's scary as hell. But as many of the threads here will prove, it's usually worse than we think, farther along and worse than the WS will admit at any given time. He admitted to that one time dirty chat because *that's what you showed him you knew about*. sorry but there is probably more.

Stop worrying about what you may have done to cause this...you gambling has only to do with you gambling. Not him opening doors to the intimacy of your marriage to another woman. Apples and oranges. Both are harmful to a marriage, but treat them as separate problems, because they are. Good luck...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

turnera said:


> Just because a woman's pregnant doesn't mean she should ignore her husband's sexual needs. There are plenty of ways aside from intercourse to take care of it.


Come on........are you serious?

This man is having a cyber affair and you are telling her to make sure to take care of his sexual needs. :scratchhead::slap:


----------



## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

southernmagnolia said:


> Come on........are you serious?
> 
> This man is having a cyber affair and you are telling her to make sure to take care of his sexual needs. :scratchhead::slap:


I didn't get that from Turnera's post at all. I only got that there was an inquiry as to how was the sex life.

The sex life is an integral part to any happy marriage, but only about a 3rd of it.

While Nikki being pregnant may in fact have a small contribution to the reasoning behind the EA, lack of sex/desire for her is probably only about 1/3 at most the issue. And that 1/3 can be taken care of by self gratifications.

There is absolutely no excuse for seeking emotional fulfillment outside of a marriage. If you want to do that, get a divorce and then do it, not while you are in a committed relationship.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> While cyber sex isn't the same as physical sex, they are both cheating, IMO unless all parties in the marriage know about it and are ok with it.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

southernmagnolia said:


> Come on........are you serious?
> 
> This man is having a cyber affair and you are telling her to make sure to take care of his sexual needs. :scratchhead::slap:


I'm absolutely serious. I've seen many many many women decide that, once they're pregnant, they no longer have to consider the husband's need - NEED - for sex, and shut down the business. If she happens to be one of those women, she should reconsider her decision. If nothing else, then for the next time she's pregnant. 

Should she start up now, and thus expect him to stop cyber cheating? No, of course not - that's a whole other issue. But she needs to be aware of the dynamic - that men don't stop wanting or needing sex just because she gets pregnant. IF she's going to approach him to stop the cheating, she has to understand HIS side of the story. Thus, I asked the question.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Hijo said:


> While Nikki being pregnant may in fact have a small contribution to the reasoning behind the EA, lack of sex/desire for her is probably only about 1/3 at most the issue. And that 1/3 can be taken care of by self gratifications.


No it can`t.



> There is absolutely no excuse for seeking emotional fulfillment outside of a marriage. If you want to do that, get a divorce and then do it, not while you are in a committed relationship.



Agreed


----------



## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

I know his side of the story..he was basically stating that because i gambled alot in the past year its been hard to be sexy and flirty with me due to the fact that i wasnt putting him and our child first. thats why he had alittle less interest in me this year. and i have met most of his sexual needs, we still have a sex life but its not the same now. its been a few days since we had sex, and thats because of me.. I just dont have the sexual energy at the moment because of what happened and because i am 9 months pregnant. and yes this year he has contacted her via texts while he is at work and at the beginning of this year he did text her about my gambling problem so i know he's confided in her before and if this was the only messages i have seen between them via yahoo messenger then i can only assume there had been more like them before and he just wont fess up to them.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds like you're doing your part, so that's good. Lots of women just expect the man to go without for 9 (or more) months.

Sounds to me like he's become disenfranchised with the marriage, no longer felt safe to tell YOU about it (since you were part of the problem, and probably exhibited some 'don't judge me' activities that turned him away), and he found someone he could talk to.

What to do...is reconstruct that part of your marriage - communication. Can you turn the tv off for at least 30 minutes before you go to bed, and just talk about your days, and snuggle? Get some closeness again, so he doesn't get any payoff from going elsewhere. At the same time, you need to be firm in not allowing him to continue communicating with any other woman.


----------



## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

Nikki195 said:


> I know his side of the story..he was basically stating that because i gambled alot in the past year its been hard to be sexy and flirty with me due to the fact that i wasnt putting him and our child first. thats why he had alittle less interest in me this year. and i have met most of his sexual needs, we still have a sex life but its not the same now. its been a few days since we had sex, and thats because of me.. I just dont have the sexual energy at the moment because of what happened and because i am 9 months pregnant. and yes this year he has contacted her via texts while he is at work and at the beginning of this year he did text her about my gambling problem so i know he's confided in her before and if this was the only messages i have seen between them via yahoo messenger then i can only assume there had been more like them before and he just wont fess up to them.


It's never ok to "work on" problems in the marriage by cheating. It was his choice to do so, or at least to say so.


----------

