# Beginnings of EA. Tell husband?



## Lostinthewoods (Jun 12, 2011)

After reading about all the signs, I am suddenly aware I just took a step down a slope toward EA. It feels like an addiction, and I don't even know who I am!

A married guy "Matt" that dh and I have both known for 3 or 4 years who I text with to make arrangements for our kids. Always friendly, over this past spring, once arrangement were made, the texts sometimes extended to little jokes, wish a good day here, say hi there which I have come to enjoy. I'd mention little things he said to dh to make sure it's all on the up and up. We both like the guy and dh would be interested in whatever he had to say for the most part. 

And then every so often he'd comment on how "you looked great today" when our paths crossed. I'm no dummy, and knew he was flirting but always "ha ha" brushed it off. But deep down, I liked it. Never responded equally, but never told him to shove it either. So ever so gradually over time, even though I wished he wouldn't, I wished he would. 

I even told dh that I think "Matt" is hinting at something! Because I don't want to admit that I like it, and don't want to feel guilty. So Dh didn't really think much of it. He literally shrugged it off. Next thing I know I am fantasizing a bit about him. Have an infidelity dream about him. 
Start imagining him during sex which, I don't think it's so wrong- I know dh has his moments with porn pics or whatever. I don't want to know- men are visual blah blah, so why can't I have my own "visual" in my mind? 

So next text, he mentions he noticed my "eyes" or something, and I say back, "thanks, but quit noticing or I am going to start feeling guilty texting you" He says "got it, I won't" and we chat per usual for a sec and then it ends. 

Next day, we are all at a function together, and I can't look this guy in the eyes. I feel guilty. I feel aroused. I am so freaking flustered I feel like everyone can see it. My dh is unusually clingy because I think he senses tension. It just hit me like a ton of bricks. I had a freaking crush on him! 

Mind you, nothing has happened between us. We are both married. Totally not my type (whatever that is). But the sexual tension is like a drug. And the next day he texts me "you didn't look great at all" which makes me laugh and like him even more!

So I cracked. I confessed. I told him that I had come to the realization I had developed a silly "school girl crush" on him, and how I had a dream about him, and that for us to be friends, we really need to get past this whole sexual tension because I just can't do it. I was totally honest with him. So he starts confessing back about how "the first time he saw me" and all his crushy feelings come out. And now I can't tell dh. No way. 

Dh doesn't tell me who he fantasizes about, but he probably doesn't tell her either! So I felt better saying it to Matt, but now feel guilty as hell and can't tell dh! I know I should tell him, but he trusts me so much, to the point that when I blatantly tell him "Matt is flirting" he doesn't care, how am I going to admit the feeling became kind of mutual?

So everything I read says END IT NOW and I get it. I don't have a problem being intimate with dh. We really actually have a great relationship. I can see how the whole thing became just a little exciting and fantasy like- and how I tend toward the wounded souls a bit. But I'm not going to lie. I am really sad about the friendship I will lose. 

Aside from the flirting, he and I had a great connection (I thought) as friends. I don't want to lose that, and wonder, if we ended all flirting, and just said "hi" and moved on, has that ever been possible for anyone? And did my confessing the crush to Matt make it infidelity? It literally just happened in the last few weeks, and I am completely distracted and consumed at the moment. 

And please don't hate on me. In 14 years of marriage- this is a true first. I really got in over my head and feel like an idiot.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You have made the first step by coming here. 

Take away the notion you can be friends, that disappeared when the flirting started and your husband kept in the dark as to what is happening. Tell your husband , it is early days and you have the opportunity to recover from this before it becomes a major problem in both your marriages.

As for Mat , this is what Mat is doing, he is using techniques that affair people use to seduce you, your first reaction is to say "no not Mat he is such a nice guy" , I assure you he knows exactly what he is doing and is looking for one thing, sex, he will destroy your family and maybe even your marriage. Why am I certain of all this , read the posts on this site he is following the script to start a full blown affair with you. There are betrayed spouses and former wayward spouses here who's posts confirm this.

After telling your husband call Mat's wife and let her know of the inappropriate goings on, this will cause a break between your families , there is no other way . The impact on your marriage has already started, your thinking of him , your husband has noticed something is wrong and Mat dear Mat is reeling you in like a fish. He is doing exactly what affair men do and say to woman, he should save his thought provoking complimnents for his wife but hey why would he he has your life to destroy and when it blows up he blames you and throws you under the bus.

Break this off now and don't try examine and analyse , what I say is hard fact based of thousands posters here and hundreds of thousands of affairs that have been bought to light, Mat is fishing.

You've made some errors in judgement you never tell another man something you are not prepared to say if your husband was listening in, say bye to Mat after you have told hubby. When you say bye do so with hubby present.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Voyager (May 23, 2011)

Also, don't assume that your husband doesn't care because he 'shrugged it off.' Either he is truly confident in your relationship--in which case your betrayal of him will be all the more devastating-- or he is avoiding showing his concern because he thinks it will make him look weak in your eyes. 

You have an opportunity to strengthen your marriage here. But you have to be as honest with your husband as you have been with yourself. It's not easy.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Voyager said:


> Also, don't assume that your husband doesn't care because he 'shrugged it off.' Either he is truly confident in your relationship--in which case your betrayal of him will be all the more devastating-- or he is avoiding showing his concern because he thinks it will make him look weak in your eyes.
> 
> You have an opportunity to strengthen your marriage here. But you have to be as honest with your husband as you have been with yourself. It's not easy.


What should she tell her husband? I mean I know and agree she should tell him, but there is a difference between the truth as she spilled it here (brutal truth) and truth as she should tell him (as to not crush him). I'm just wondering how you guys think she should tell him. I agree he needs to know, just wondering how much or deep she should go. While in reverse I'd like to know, but if H told me he was fantasizing about someone else during sex, while I know he sometimes might, putting a name and face to that fantasy would cut pretty deep and make a new problem with my insecurity and hurt feelings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Lostinthewoods, it's wonderful that you clearly recognize that you are on the slippery slope to an EA. I wish my own WW had recognized that. So there is definitely hope for you that you recognize this dangerous situation in the first place. 

Your first mistake is that you used this Matt as your mental porn image during sex with your husband. Everyone has fantasies that keep inside their head. The problem is that this Matt is a real flesh and blood man that you work with on a daily basis. You justified this by assuming that your husband does the same thing. Not everyone does. It's one thing for a man to fantasize that he's with some woman like Pamela Anderson, or some other celebrity, or untouchable figure. It's a different story when it's someone you see all the time in real life. This is when you are starting to let down your boundaries.

Then you confessed your desire for him, and he for you. The next thing you know, this flirting progresses to talking about intimate things that you should only be discussing with your husband, such as problems in your marriage, etc, etc. Then you start spending more and more time with him, and you start drifting into the fog by imagining this man is so much more understanding than your husband, and other taboo thoughts.

You're already losing your footing and starting to slide down the slippery slope because this man is starting to consume your thoughts and there is definitely a lot of sexual tension between you two now. 

You need to definitely raise your personal boundaries now and go no contact with this man as soon as possible. It may not be possible to be totally NC since you work together, but you need to keep ALL communication with him brief and short and on the professional level only. No lunches together, no personal talks together, and avoid situations where you two would be alone together. If he says "hello" or something like that, do not respond. This may seem rude, but you have no choice if you want to curtail any deeper feelings for this man. You must also tell him to do the same, not ask. You CANNOT be friends with him, especially since you are developing feelings for him. If this gets worse, you may have to transfer to a different department, or even change jobs altogether. Because you know in your heart, NOTHING GOOD CAN COME FROM THIS!

Its up to you if you want to tell your husband, but if you do. Tell him the truth and tell him what steps you are taking to put a stop to this. He may shrug it off again, OR he might become suspicious and resentful. If he does, provide him access to your phone, email, and other things to reassure him you are being transparent and have nothing to hide.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You must tell your husband, use words that are honest and do not drive him away. If you think you can do this without telling him you are kidding yourself , you will not stop engaging with this OM and you are setting yourself up for a full blown affair. 

The reason for telling your husband and the OM's wife are to ensure others know and are monitoring, it takes away the secrecy and deceit and protects you. You husband will be hurt, that's what affairs do it will be so much worse if you carry on , the affair unravells ( it will they always do) and your family is devastated by what you did. There is no easy way forward, sitting in limbo is enabling the affair and entrenching the deceit and lies. 

Cut out the OM now with a curt message saying there is to be no further contact and you will be telling your husband. Send this by text from your phone so you can evidence to your husband you are taking steps to protect your marriage and please do not write it such that it is a nice bye bye letter or you are concerned for his feelings, the text should be robust and to the point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Voyager (May 23, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> What should she tell her husband?


I'm not entirely sure the details of who and what is all that important--unless he feels he needs to know. The real question here is 'why?' Why has OP allowed it to even get this far? But answering any questions he has with total honesty is important. It meant a lot to me that my wife was honest with her answers even though she was ashamed of her actions and knew the answers would hurt me. It showed me that she still retained some sort of respect for me. If she had lied or evaded my questions then we would not be trying to reconcile.

I wish my wife had told me what she was feeling and that she wanted to strengthen our relationship in order to protect herself before checking out of our relationship. I think that succumbing to an affair (or choosing to have one if you want to look at it that way) is a weakness. In a healthy marriage relationship you share your weaknesses as well as your strengths. 

Is there risk in being honest? Yes. But there's no security in lying by omission and compartmentalizing her actions. Perhaps LostintheWoods has already passed the point of no return as far as her husband is concerned. That's for him to decide. But I think that keeping this to herself, even if she goes totally no contact, is another example of building an internal wall to keep her husband out. It's the first... or rather the second... step in checking out of the marriage.

I suspect it's not too late. It looks to me like this is a bump in a relationship, not a crisis. But that really depends on LostintheWoods and her husband.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Lostinwoods, thank you for sharing your post. 

It is very heartening to see that you recognized the dangers and are taking steps to correct the situation before it becomes very VERY bad.

Two points: 

1. These "friends" across genders, they are as playing with fire. 

So often it seems it is simply expected, or that there is nothing to worry about, but worry we must if we want to be happily married people in a sexuall exciting and fulfilling marriage. 

If Lostinwoods husband had responded with jealousy, or made it clear even using humor, but clear that this "Matt" character had best to steer clear of his woman, how much simpler and easier for Lostinwoods to reconnect with her husband and enjoy her husband's attention and jealousy, and see "Matt's" attention as meaningless and beneath her. 

Rather, Lostinwoods husband shrugged it off, leaving Lostinwoods the impression that either the flirting was "no big deal", or that she herself was "no big deal". Now "Matt's" attention becomes more important to her, more desirable, more needed.

2. "Matt" is a sexual predator. Absolutely.

Eli Zor hit that nail on the head. 

These techniques, "innocent" suggestions, flirting with forbidden fruit (married woman), pushing boundries, "testing" to see if flirting is recipricated, or big red flag, if woman is willing to keep such flirting a SECRET, this is the bait the sexual predator is trolling with.

So Lostinwoods, do not intend to keep "Matt" a friend. 

View him the same as the pervert in trenchcoat luring schoolgirls or flashing women on subway, because at the root a sexual predator is a sexual predator.

His serpent techniques to weasel into places he does not belong (your marriage), to use coercion or subtely to push boundries and test waters, to get his cheap thrills and eventually move on, while ignoring the terrible price you yourself would have to pay in your damaged or destroyed relationship with your husband.

His contempt for you, your marriage, and your husband reeks of his lack of personal integrity, the stench of a weak male. 

Do not fall for it! Do not enable it! It is not worth the risk to your marriage, and the devastation and pain that comes with it! 

Speak to your husband, remove "Matt" from your circle of friends, do not deceive yourself that "Matt" is a worthy friend, and be eternally grateful that you recognized the signs and dangers before things got any worse than they already are.

I wish you well.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Lostinthewoods said:


> I don't want to lose that, and wonder, if we ended all flirting, and just said "hi" and moved on, has that ever been possible for anyone? And did my confessing the crush to Matt make it infidelity? It literally just happened in the last few weeks, and I am completely distracted and consumed at the moment.
> 
> And please don't hate on me. In 14 years of marriage- this is a true first. I really got in over my head and feel like an idiot.


Your feelings are understandable, and its great that you had a wake up call, of sorts, even if it was much later than it should be.

I think it is naive to want to sustain a friendship with this guy. Understand that the man you promised to love will want to call a spade a spade in regards to his slimy "friend".

In the next phase, if it hasn't already begun, you'll start forgetting anything special you had with your husband, and telling yourself that its already crossed the line, so its too late to stop. All of that potential passion that could be used to re-energize and re-build your relationship with the man who trusts you will be given to another man, a married man who is cheating on the one he has promised to love. But the plan that includes you being able to look in the mirror would be to admit this to your husband and hope he could learn to trust you again.

This is the defining moment of your character.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

BigBadWolf said:


> Rather, Lostinwoods husband shrugged it off, leaving Lostinwoods the impression that either the flirting was "no big deal", or that she herself was "no big deal". Now "Matt's" attention becomes more important to her, more desirable, more needed.


Oh, I agree that's how she probably took it. But I disagree with the possible reason why he shrugged it off. Many many spouses in that same situation shrug it off because they are in denial, that there is no way their spouse would possibly cheat on them. They shrug it off because they have FAITH in their spouse. You see this in many of the stories that people have when they come here. Prior to DDay, many see their husband or wife as a good person, that they would never cheat, hence many typically ignore the warning signs.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Oh, I agree that's how she probably took it. But I disagree with the possible reason why he shrugged it off. Many many spouses in that same situation shrug it off because they are in denial, that there is no way their spouse would possibly cheat on them. They shrug it off because they have FAITH in their spouse. You see this in many of the stories that people have when they come here. Prior to DDay, many see their husband or wife as a good person, that they would never cheat, hence many typically ignore the warning signs.


I think you are absolutely right. If the husband were to be offended and tell her to back away from this other person, then he would be labelled 'controlling' by his wife. We train ourselves to trust our wives because we don't want to be the one who is controlling.

I would imagine that he was uncomfortable with the remarks, but we're not supoosed to admit it for fear of these labels, and pushing the loyal, trusting wife away.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Halien said:


> I think you are absolutely right. If the husband were to be offended and tell her to back away from this other person, then he would be labelled 'controlling' by his wife. We train ourselves to trust our wives because we don't want to be the one who is controlling.


Exactly.

That is why I encourage good men to be blatant in expressing their jealousies, their desires, and their expecations of their women.

"Trusting" a woman, expressing this as mere apathy, is recipe for disaster! It simply fosters in her feelings of resentment and insecurity and kills her respect for her man. 



> I would imagine that he was uncomfortable with the remarks, but we're not supoosed to admit it for fear of these labels, and pushing the loyal, trusting wife away.


Fitness test, these are as well these type of shaming tactics. For success, simply treat them as any other fitness test.

Good men reading this, do NOT be timid to express your feelings of jealousy or desires or expectations from your woman!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

OKAY Lost - are you listening? What is your reaction to all this great advice?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Lost - you are in EXACTLY the same situation as my WW nearly 2 years ago. She and the OM (also married, also a social friend, and my wife and OM's wife were actually very good, close friends as the A began). I also shrugged it off, only because I fully trusted her (idiot that I am). You nailed it when you called it like a drug. I promise you, you do not have the willpower to resist this on your own. You need, and even want, his help. No you do not want the adrenaline rushes to stop, but you've GOT to take the step of admitting you need help with the problem to stop this from becoming a disaster you WILL look back on and regret. The cold hard truth is that the person to help you is hubby.

Your one and only choice is to get it on the table with hubby _in order to actually strengthen your marriage_ and to prevent harming it further, by the two of you working together to resolve it. 

Tell him exactly what's gone on, you've started to lose your way but have quckly caught yourself and want his help in making this right. NC, open transparency, MC if needed, and you doing the work to show him your desire to be totally in the marriage will go a long, long way. Do it now, because doing it later is much, much harder and he may not be receptive later once you've really crossed a bigger line.

While debatable, I believe telling him whom is owed to him. An enemy of the marriage should be openly seen as such.

All other choices - pretending you can control this on your own, distancing yourself, allowing it to "just go a little bit" I can promise you will end up with more pain than you are capable of imagining right now. 

The alternative is to file for divorce now and pursue your fantasies, which from your post I'm sure you do not really want.

I am 41 days from discovering something that was already over from months, and am still strongly considering divorcing her rather than R, because she couldn't find it within herself to do what I am urging you to do now. Please take this advice here and do the right thing, because you WILL look back and wish you did. PLEASE.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Lost, I think the choice is simple: lose the friendship, or lose your husband.

Which one will hurt you the least?


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## Lostinthewoods (Jun 12, 2011)

Oh my god I am sick to my stomach. I woke up this morning like I just came out of a fog. I needed so bad to share it. To see it in black and white. But I never imagined the responses I would get. I am so ashamed of myself, and so, so sad. 

In the light of today, I don't want contact with the OM at all. I see exactly how he kept nicking away at me. And I own my weakness in enjoying it. I pushed him off, and made light of his comments over and over, but over time it worked. What a creep. Seriously. 

We don't work together, but were connected through our kids. With school recently out, that arrangement just ended so there is no practical need to continue talking. 

In hindsight, I probably would have liked my H to "cave man" out on me a little when I filled him in on Matt's flirting. But hearing the idea that he was probably in a bit of denial and not wanting to appear weak. THAT was so insightful, and beyond me until I read it today. 

I know no one will agree, but I simply cannot crush him with this. I can't. 

I am not too far gone with the OM to start disliking my H. I know I disrespected him badly, but I wasn't imagining a life with the OM, or wanting to leave H for him. In fact (and this might make some of you cringe) I was sort of bringing the sexual tension into the bedroom. My libido was firing off on all cylinders, so I directed it toward H.

After the crush confession I tried to play counselor with the OM and ask him about his own infidelity. He was so obviously flirting, so I was just direct, by asking him what's up with his relationship? Are they swingers? Are they faithful? I was thinking, the way he was so persistent, maybe they have an open marriage or something. He "doesn't know" if she is faithful- has never asked, but thinks she probably is. He made out with her friend "against his will" once. Whatever. I think I thought we could one day laugh about the little crush and just be friends. I know, that's a joke, but it was how I arranged it in my head at the time. 

But I am not willing to give up my marriage for this, and I want a do-over. 

H only recently found out that his own mother was habitually unfaithful, and that he himself is the product of a fling she had. I have history of sexual abuse which I thought I had worked out, but obviously haven't since I am still so insecure to get to this point. It all makes sense, and he is a rational man for the most part. But this will get the better of him, and it will ruin us. 

Maybe one day I can tell him. Thank you so much for the feedback. I wish I came here earlier, but I am glad to have a place to vent and to hear the insight I really needed. At this point, I think I am going to go to my grave with this. Probably develop a tumor over it. Who knows, but I am too afraid. 

Thanks everyone.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Terrific that you've allowed the fog to lift.

My wife insists she 'was going to tell me, someday'. Ha. Sorry, but I do not believe her. He EA, which eventually DID turn a bit physical (no sex; she "couldn't do it"), ended several months ago. But.. because she withheld it from me, I don't believe or trust her.

In context of 'I trust you with this, and want you to keep trusting me", through her honesty, we would have gotten through it, and gotten stronger as a result. By not telling him, you're deciding you do not trust him.

You said a line that is nearly a direct quote I have heard from my wife _"I think I thought we could one day laugh about the little crush and just be friends. I know, that's a joke, but it was how I arranged it in my head at the time."_. She thought so too. She 'stopped it' on her own, several times. She always was connived into going back for more as she tried to play MC to him and his 'broken, uncaring relationship at home'. Bullsh*t. She did it because she wanted to, in the end, and ketp doing it because it was a rush she needed to feel. ONLY through MC over the past 6 weeks has she seen herslef for what she is in this case - egocentrically in need of that rush, much like an addict.

My wife also brought her excitement to our bedroom. Enough so that I asked her about it, asked why the sudden turning up? She claimed it was because she had an epiphany while I went into the hospital for surgery... a lie, which in hindsight I should have seen and dug into further. I wish I had. The text flirting she had begun about a year earlier went through ebbs and flows, off and on because they were "just friends" ... for a full year. It only took one opportunity for the line the cross. And once crossed, it was easier and easier to continue. (btw, get the book "More Than Just Friends", your eyes will open wide in recognition).

I'm still urging you, "crush him with it" now; you do not want ot bury this. These things have a way of coming out later, and lies of ommision are just as hurtful as the original EA. Maybe in telling him now, less details are necessary... Picture the OM's wife, or the OM himself, forwarding a text or an email to your hubby at some point in the future (tomorrow, next week, next month, next year), and you having to THEN explain... and because of your lies, him not believing a word you say. You will insist it wasn't physical; he won't believe you; your trust is gone. You will tell him you put a stop to it; he can't believe you, otherwise you would have told him.... and on it goes, a bad downward spiral you cannot control. 

This is ME, right now, today. It completely, totally sucks. I can tell you had she informed me at the time, I would have been fairly distraught and yes pretty hurt. Instead, yesterday I completed a letter informing her that I am moving out and filing for D, leaving my 6 yr old son and my home and my life as I know it, because I cannot be with a woman I don't trust to be truthful with me, even when she thinks it is for my own protection to keep from 'hurting me'. I'm a man and don't want my wife falsely 'protecting me', and certainly not from herself.


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## Lostinthewoods (Jun 12, 2011)

But how do you know you would have believed her if she had come clean then? Why would he not think it hadn't already gotten physical? And what if. Just for a second, what if you had never known, and she did cut it off? 

Why does telling him have to be what changes me? If I can't change it now, why would I be able to change it later? I feel like reading your take on it, is like the slap in the face I need. I am not a cheater. I am horrified by the thought of cheating on him. 

If he shuts down over this, as he will, we will never make it through. I am too insecure, and will never be able to sit with his disappointment for that long. I know me, and I know him. And when you pull this element out of it, we have way too much to lose over it. 

I know I am a coward. If it doesn't kill this relationship, it will certainly kill something in me keeping it in.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

All it takes is for a questioning thought from a spouse or a casual follow up on some bills. The OM he has a drink to much one night, you talk in your sleep or any other reason. Then hubby checks your phone records, the OM's wife checks his then they will dig and dig and relentlessly hunt down the truth. 

If you think it will be hard now, when one or the other betrayed spouse does find the truth it will become your worst nightmare. Some betrayed spouses have contacted the OW's husband (in this case it could be your husband getting the call) years later. These confessions then come out and the impact is devastating. 

You cannot trust the OM to stay away from you nor can you trust him to keep his mouth shut. Speak to your husband now before it is to late.

This advice is not given lightly it comes from hard experience of the posters on this site.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> is like the slap in the face I need.* I am not a cheater*. I am horrified by the thought of cheating on him.


You are already a cheater, that is reality hence your unwillingness to come clean to your husband. 

How do you intend to kill the affair with the OM and why would he agree, you have told him of your feelings, he is reeling you in so why would he stop now, because you are asking him to??? or maybe he threatens to let slip then what, your coerced into a downhill spiral.




> I know I am a coward


Have you texted the OM to tell him to never contact you again, are you going to warn him if he does you will lay a harassment charge against him. If you cannot do this you will never stop the affair no matter how much you say you will. The OM will continue to pick at you , if not tomorrow, the next month or years later. 

The OM is following the affair script as are you in your avoidance and rationalizing reasons why you should not expose the truth to your husband and his wife. 

The only proven way to kill this affair now is for both your spouses to be aware of the full facts and for there to be no contact for life , this means exactly that "no contact in any form".

The saving grace you have is you have seen the error or what is happening and are here. The advice we offer is solid, it is not our plan, it is not our view it is based on hard experience.


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## Lostinthewoods (Jun 12, 2011)

But for what? That we confessed a crush? The infidelity dream and fantasies literally started within the past 2 weeks. I acknowledged it to the OM to get it "out" between us. Questioned his marriage arrangement to which he replied, and that is it. 

I guess my point is this. H will do like I am doing. He will read on it, he will want to fix it. He will see alllll of these stories, and then he will compare me to his mom.

Stepping back from the stories, and your own experiences, isn't there a possibility that what happened so far perhaps, isn't SO bad as it could have been? 

I did wrong to tell the OM, and I let my sexual fantasies float. I wanted to feel liberated by my own fantasy. 

I don't believe that people only hold fantasies about "unreachable" people only. There are real life hotties all around, and H is certainly welcome to imagine what he wants. 

Where I got uncomfortable was when seeing him in person, I felt like an open book, and could not help but feel embarrassed about my own fantasy. So, this happened 3 days ago, and I am trying to do something about it by coming here. 

Telling H that I have a crush on someone else is just so destructive. Because the question is, did I "do" something about that crush. I didn't act on it, but let it float for a couple weeks before I realized it sunk in upon seeing him. I do NOT want to know who he thinks is hot around us. 

Doesn't that count for something? And you might say, yes, just tell H this, and hope that he recognizes that and appreciates the honesty etc.

But in reality, he will come to a site like this, he will recall his own mothers infidelity, and I will be lumped into the category of "sex addicted cheater" for ..... confessing a crush? I don't think so. We don't email, and we don't have 3000 texts to find. 

H knows we text for other reasons anyway. We didn't sext, or fantasize together. We had ONE, count it ONE text discussion in which I acknowledged the elephant in the room, and he concurred. I questioned his marriage policy and said "in order for us to be friends we have to clear this sexual tension". 

Yesterday, I was sad to lose the friendship, and wondered if I should tell H. Today, I see the destruction of this path, and am jumping off, and far far away. 

I remember finding a page left up by H, of women he had jerked off to the night before when I went to bed early. And I was so mad at his carelessness, because, even though I know he looks at other women, I don't want to see them. 

I know these are different than the OM here, but because I recognized my own runaway feelings at this point, I don't want to leave that page up for him, and cause more damage than I did. 

Does this make sense? And thanks for the honesty. I really appreciate it, and this outlet. You don't have to agree. I just feel like there are many shades of gray in between black and white, and weighing the outcome over what I see today as totally not worth it. I can't do it. I could never speak to the OM again and am fine with it, knowing how close I came to destroying our marriage.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

You, dear lady, have made my day!! Its so refreshing to see the temporary fog come crashing down due to your integrity, and I hope you have the courage to stay true to it. Don't waste any time cutting it off with this guy. Others may disagree, but I think you can give yourself a few days to think about the best way to approach your husband.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

LIW, I think it is great you are discussing this with yourself and people on this site. To me the problem you seem to have a hard time accepting is that when you initiated contact and discussed your mutual attraction with the object of your fantasy that made it more than fantasy. You are betraying your marriage, albeit not in a critical way. That you can express that with the OM and even the people on this board but not your H is a direct threat to your marriage and the trust you and your H have with each other. If you have any appreciation for that trust and your marriage, as you claim to, then be completely truthful with your H. If he loves you, he will listen and accept and do everything to help you both work past this. In fact I'd see this as an opportunity to make your marriage that much stronger and fulfilling.


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## Lostinthewoods (Jun 12, 2011)

Thanks Halien. And Lon, I agree. I know that we could become stronger from it. I just don't know that we will. And I don't think what has happened so far, is worth the loss of this marriage. Because try as he might, to understand. He may never trust me, or always wonder if I am thinking about him. And I have to give myself the chance to move on. I see the light of the day. I am a growing changing person. I just won't be labeled or categorized to the extend that this might do. If that makes sense. One day perhaps....


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## Lostinthewoods (Jun 12, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Have you texted the OM to tell him to never contact you again, are you going to warn him if he does you will lay a harassment charge against him.


The only reason I haven't yet today is because my phone is out of range as in...lost in the woods.

But I am done. I think he already knows it anyway from the last text convo when I directly questioned his marriage arrangement.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

BigBadWolf said:


> Exactly.
> 
> That is why I encourage good men to be blatant in expressing their jealousies, their desires, and their expecations of their women.
> 
> ...


I totally agree. :iagree:


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Lost I can only guide you on a path from the learnings from this site and others. You must seriously consider making it absolutely clear to the OM that there is never to be any contact again , do so in the most explicit of terms so it is not misinterpreted by himself and always be aware that someone may one day read the text, it should be written with carefully chosen words. Do not have a verbal conversation with him as it gives him the chance to charm his way through it and ignore your request. 

Best of luck .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostinthewoods (Jun 12, 2011)

I hear you E. I don't doubt that I can cut it off. I just hope I can live with myself for having to keep something from H. Thanks again.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Lostinthewoods said:


> ...Because try as he might, to understand. He may never trust me, or always wonder if I am thinking about him. And I have to give myself the chance to move on. I see the light of the day. I am a growing changing person. I just won't be labeled or categorized to the extend that this might do. If that makes sense. One day perhaps....


His trust may be shaken but because you haven't gone too far on this path to the OM I doubt your H's trust in you is destroyed. If it is he will tell you and you will know, and there may be other issues in your marriage that need work, but for the benefit of everyone make sure to resolve things instead of allowing allowing it to be consumed by an affair...


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Lostinthewoods said:


> In hindsight, I probably would have liked my H to "cave man" out on me a little when I filled him in on Matt's flirting. But hearing the idea that he was probably in a bit of denial and not wanting to appear weak. THAT was so insightful, and beyond me until I read it today.


Interesting comment. Have you also considered that he simply trusts you? Sounds like a great quality for your husband to have. Stop playing games with him and appreciate the value he has for you.


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## Lostinthewoods (Jun 12, 2011)

BigToe said:


> Interesting comment. Have you also considered that he simply trusts you? Sounds like a great quality for your husband to have. Stop playing games with him and appreciate the value he has for you.


You are right. And it was my only consideration in my original statement. This supposition was my response to someone else's suggestion. It's just out of context. Thank you for your insight!


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## Lostinthewoods (Jun 12, 2011)

findingmyway said:


> LIW, my perspective is a little different.


Your entire perspective is so helpful in fueling my resolve in having no more contact. Thank you.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

LITW, You might want to read my story from my older posts, but this happened to me to an extent. My wife was in emotional turmoil, (she found out she was unable to concieve) I wasn't there for her so she began a month long EA with a co-worker. It progressed from talks to texting to the point where they kissed and at that point the fog lifted and my wife realized what was happening. She fought off his advances (gave him a great black eye) outed both him and her to their employer, (they were both fired) confessed to me and both families, and to our pastor. She PROVED her honesty and devotion to me and continues to this very day. She has done everything and anything I have asked, gone to therapy (both individual and couples)n and is totally transparent. We are adopting a brother and sister from Sri Lanka in two months and she is Beside herself with joy. None of this would have been possible if she hadn't decided to do the honest and loving and respectful thing. I WOULD have found out, and it WOULD have been over, if I knew she was keeping such a disrespectful secret from me. Whether it is infidelity or otherwise, secrecy is a virus that can cause a marriage to sicken and die. Tell your husband, if nothing more than this has happened, I'm sure he will be able to move past it. He is well aware that you are not his mother.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Lost, I don't totally advocate telling, and in your case, I wouldn't advocate it, either. But with that, comes a price: the fear that it will come to light somehow, perhaps, say someday, this "friend" will one day get ticked at you or your H and, as a parting shot, say that he slept with you.

Can you guarantee 110% that your H will never, beyond a reasonable doubt, find out? If you can, then I would say don't tell. But that's just it-THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES.

Now, if you tell your H, he can see that you were honest with him, warned him of the threat, and he, like Dowjones, would probably have a happy ending with you.

But, if you don't tell, and he does find out someday, he may forever more see you with suspicion, wonder how long you were keeping your little secret, wonder if there was much, much more to this crush than just thoughts, wonder what ELSE you have been keeping a secret from him. Something like that can seriously erode a marriage, and if you don't split up over this, it will be something else-this would be just the small pebble that started an avalanche of seriously mixed emotions.

Now, I truly believe that you want to kill all contact with the OM, but there was one wife one of these type of websites who was in a situation eerily similar to yours, swore up and down that she would never contact the OM again, but somehow, the OM convinced her to see him one last time "for closure" and a few months later, she was back on the site, confessing that she "did a horrible thing", and desperately trying to find a solution to the fact that she was now pregnant with the OM's child.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Dowjones said:


> LITW, You might want to read my story from my older posts, but this happened to me to an extent. My wife was in emotional turmoil, (she found out she was unable to concieve) I wasn't there for her so she began a month long EA with a co-worker. It progressed from talks to texting to the point where they kissed and at that point the fog lifted and my wife realized what was happening. She fought off his advances (gave him a great black eye) outed both him and her to their employer, (they were both fired) confessed to me and both families, and to our pastor. She PROVED her honesty and devotion to me and continues to this very day. She has done everything and anything I have asked, gone to therapy (both individual and couples)n and is totally transparent. We are adopting a brother and sister from Sri Lanka in two months and she is Beside herself with joy. None of this would have been possible if she hadn't decided to do the honest and loving and respectful thing. I WOULD have found out, and it WOULD have been over, if I knew she was keeping such a disrespectful secret from me. Whether it is infidelity or otherwise, secrecy is a virus that can cause a marriage to sicken and die. Tell your husband, if nothing more than this has happened, I'm sure he will be able to move past it. He is well aware that you are not his mother.


Slight t/j. You are one fortunate man that she pulled back from the edge did the hard work to deserve the precious gift of R. That's inspiring to read.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

lordmayhem said:


> Slight t/j. You are one fortunate man that she pulled back from the edge did the hard work to deserve the precious gift of R. That's inspiring to read.


She is a wonderful woman, who should never have been in that position, in the first place. She has been so remorseful that it has been me that has tried to help her put it behind her, and she has. She is getting her masters, and will be a mother of two, and we are still trying to get her pregnant, which she would love.


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## avenrandom (Sep 13, 2010)

LITW- I know telling your husband is ultimately on you, so all I can do is tell you what happened because my wife did NOT tell me until months later.

(long story short...) My wife left me for a co-worker, and came running back shortly after. I said these words to my wife: "If there is anything you need to tell me, now is the time. If we are going to try and build, recover, and move on from this, I need full disclosure right now." This was less than 10 minutes before she left to drive around town for 9+ hours visiting my entire family asking for their forgiveness. Four months later we are watching "Valentines Day" where the lady confesses to an affair decades earlier, and her husband says "And everything since then now feels like a lie" (or something similar). I can only tell you the pain of watching her break down, knowing immediately that something happened she hadn't told me about. She admitted to me that night what really happened, and that she had it in her mind when I said those words to her about full disclosure. As a result, I've dealt with immense issues because we rebuilt our marriage on a lie.

My point is that he may never find the texts, emails, or whatever else. What my wife tells me is that as she became more and more comfortable with "us" again, she became more and more comfortable in not only telling me complete truths, but also more comfortable in admitting her inner thoughts. She said the guilt and pain of what she had done (which by all accounts is minor compared to other stories here on TAM) was eating at her, and she felt the need to tell me every little tidbit. In time you may want to air this knowledge with him, and at that time you can fully expect him to have doubts about the tame span between the act and the truth- and for months, if not years after.

My wife chose to not tell me to protect me. She chose the quick and easy fix, hoping everything would just dissolve and be forgotten. In the end she protected "us" for a few months, but ultimately ruined the months of recovery, and re-destroyed my trust in her upon admission. Of course it's the logical fallacy of "What-if" ... I'll never know what life would be like now if she had given me that full disclosure I wanted up front. What I can tell you is that because she didn't, I was pushed past a point I'll never come back from.

I admire you being self-aware enough to notice what was happening, and for seeking advice on how to deal. Hopefully with all these differing opinions, you'll find the path that is best for you.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Lost---why don't you hit your H., with a hypothetical question---as to how he would react if someone were pursuing you---SERIOUSLY-----

You might say to your H---that you have talked to him (You to your H) before about this subject, and he basically ignores it-----then ask him why he does not take the subject seriously----and then just let it drop that you thought that scum, or whatever his name was---was getting way to inappropriate, and you have decided to drop contact with him altogether, and that includes, that the families will need to drop contact

You have now round-about told your H---gotten rid of your guilt, and also you might finally get a reaction out of your very dormant H.

Of course you do know that NC---means NC, from now on---in all way, shape, manner, and form!!!!!!! That also includes all members of your family.


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## Broken in Pieces (Jun 13, 2011)

PLEASE, PLEASE, LIW tell your husband now! Trust him! I read you post and it WAS me. Unfortunately I did not have the strength to 1. stop this "friendship" in its tracks or 2. trust the man I married and tell him before, during or after.

I thought I could handle it myself. Wanted to hold on to the "friendship" so much so I sold myself a pack of lies, "this is no big deal", "this doesn't mean anything", "it is just a mid-life crisis". Obvious problem, other than that they were all lies, that they are all selfishly motivated. I wasn't "protecting" my husband from being hurt, by not telling him, even once the affair was over. Protecting him would have been sitting him down and telling him the moment my THOUGHTS crossed the line. The day the FIRST "secret" text was exchanged.

You say you never crossed the line, but answer this, would you be comfortable sharing all the texts you and Matt exchanged with you husband? Are they still on your phone? Or, did you erase them? You see where I am going with this? If you thought it, you crossed the line. PLEASE listen to me. I believe you will put yourself in this situation again, if you don't get it fully resolved with yourself AND your husband now.

Trust your husband. I didn't and now it maybe to late for me. I threw away real love, a beautiful family and life, because I wouldn't let down my guard and be totally honest with my husband. You are protecting yourself out of fear. You are not protecting him. You have already hurt him. He just doesn't know it. Give him the respect, and yourself the respect for that matter, that you both deserve.

Boy I wish I was you, because you don't want to be in my shoes. Not now, not ever.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You can't be "friends" with someone yu've confessed "feelings" for. It's impossible. He's married, you're married. End of discussion.

It's very telling that when you asked OM what his relationship with his wife was he gave the whole "Idk if she's unfaithful, but probably" and told you that he had once made out with his own wife's friend (hey, you're his wife's friend, too!) ... _against his own will. _ Laughable. Because nobody MADE him do it. What a joke. 

The decision whether to tell your husband or not is solely up to you but I will advise you to definitely cut off the relationship you have with OM. You already know he has no respect for his marriage or yours or for your husband. You already know he doesn't respect your boundaries because you told him in the past that he needed not to tell you that you looked nice, etc, and he still pushed. Findingmyway's post is spot on. He wants in your panties and I am sure you're not the first one outside his marriage by his comments that I posted above. 

Stay away from him. I wouldn't contact him at all. If he contacts you, tell him you feel this is wildly inappropriate and do not want him contacting you again. End point. Block his # via your phone company if you have to. May seem extreme/harsh, but this is your MARRIAGE and FAMILY that you are talking about. Protect them both. 

If this continues and your husband finds out on his own (these things have a way of coming out at the worst times ever) I can guarantee you that he will be destroyed. And your marriage's dynamic will change.



Eli-Zor said:


> If you think it will be hard now, when one or the other betrayed spouse does find the truth it will become your worst nightmare.


This.



Lostinthewoods said:


> Telling H that I have a crush on someone else *is just so destructive. *


And you know why, right? Because affairs are destructive. Any affair is a betrayal. 



Lostinthewoods said:


> He may never trust me, or always wonder if I am thinking about him.


That is correct.



findingmyway said:


> First, if he is flirting with you and knows you are married, he is trying to get in your pants. Plain and simple.
> 
> He is not a friend of yours or of your husband either, no matter how well he hides it.
> 
> ...


Excellent post, top to bottom. :iagree:


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

LIW, I'll post up two thoughts as the cheater in a 7 week long EA that got pretty deep. First, I could never have broken mine off without telling my wife - never. The addiction was just too powerful, I wouldn't believe how powerful if I hadn't lived it. So in that I would recommend telling your husband. Especially since you haven't fallen too deep in and seem to genuinely want the EA to end and refocus on your H. My AP and I would periodically have "reality checks" where it would momentarily dawn on one of us what we were doing and rather than own up to it and break it off we would both stick our heads back in the sand and keep going, the addiction is that powerful. 

Second, bad news is not like wine, it does NOT get better with age. The odds of you breaking contact with the OM and having this disappear into the past never to be seen or heard from again are less than 50/50 imo. Because while bad news is not like wine, it does crave daylight and will generally find it given enough time. The consequences of burying this, if it is ever discovered will be far far worse than had you come clean now. 

A bonus thought. In not telling you may be missing a real opportunity to grow and improve your relationship with your H. If you truly love each other it is real catalyst and opportunity for change in the relationship. My wife and I are now about 10 months post D Day and have talked about things and improved our relationship more than I would have believed. 

Ultimately to tell him or not is your decision, just some reasons from my experience in favor of it.

Regardless good luck and it is good that you at least comprehend what was happening to you, your husband, the OM and everyone else in your families.


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## whammy (Apr 22, 2011)

I am going to put on a bit of role playing. I am take my opinion as a man and answer this from your husbands point of view...when I say "me" I mean your husband. When you and OM both admitted a crush to each other, that was a start of a relationship. (by the way, there is no such thing as a school girl crush. A woman is either sexually interested in a man or she isnt.) So it became you and him with me on the outside. You brought him into our bedroom by thinking about him while I made love to you. My porn images are anonymous. I am not texting, pursuing a relationship with, nor dropping my kids off at jenna haze's house... so it is NOT EVEN CLOSE to being the same. Let me ask you some questions?
- If you were single, and you and a man both texted that you like each other, what would that be?
- If you were rich, if you didnt have to rely on my share of future money, housing, or child raising where would you be right now? what you be doing with the OM right now? would it be over?
(seriously ask yourself these questions)

So, now that we a have established that you and OM ARE in a relationship (no matter how you try to down play it as a simple crush) every day that I dont know about it means that it is still going on. Even if you ended it and dont want anything to do with him... ever since you and OM bonded over a secret and mutual attraction... to me it is going on every single day I dont know about it... even if I learn about it 10 years from now. it is you and him with me on the outside until you make it me and you with him on the outside like it should be... EVERY MAN IN THE WORLD should be on the outside FOREVER.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Lostinthewoods said:


> I hear you E. I don't doubt that I can cut it off. I just hope I can live with myself for having to keep something from H. Thanks again.


There is one way you can fix this and also have it all work out and done right. 

Focus this summer on fixing your marriage. Marriages always need work. Find out what yours needs. Get the book His Needs Her Needs, and follow it. Take the steps to strengthen your marriage so that you and your DH are best friends again, can share anything, will do anything for each other...and THEN tell him the truth, about how close you came and how it affected you, and gave you a wakeup call.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

I must disagree with the notion that anyone who flirts with a married person should be automatically considered to be trying to get into their pants. Flirting is relative and what is suggestive for some, to others is fun word play. It is the intent of the person that really matters. In your case his intent could be reflected in his statement that he “made out with her friend” against his will. This sounds sketchy to me and I would be wary.

I have been reading TAM for many months now struggling with similar issues that you are going through. I’ve known this woman, “Pat”, for 6+ years. She helped out my wife, “Jan”, with kid activities for several years. I got to know her and she gave me advice which inspired me to turn around my life for the better. I went back to an old hobby that I had discontinued after the birth of our fist child. “Pat” helped me to see what a Dad should be like to his kids. Pat’s example with her kids also enabled me to understand that my wife was not using the kid activities to “escape” from our marriage. I was raised in a family that just wasn’t that kid oriented. Now I understand better. My life and relationship with my wife improved tremendously. We spent a lot of time together via the kid activities and we discovered that we connect at many levels. I flirted with her and I found myself taking every opportunity to be with her until one day I realized that I had feelings for her. The urge to tell her about them was overwhelming but I tried to convince myself that those feelings were just a crush and nothing more and kept those feelings to myself. More than a year went by and the feelings towards her had not diminished like I thought they would with a crush. They had grown. I realized that I was in love with two people. I had been one of those people who thought it couldn’t happen, but it was happening to me. It was at this time that I found out about emotional affairs and started a lot of time web searching on it. We never really talked at that level or provided emotional support in a way that really qualified for an affair but it was close. We didn’t text, we emailed irregularly but we talked a lot. She certainly was a friend and I didn’t want to lose that. I knew I loved my wife more than anything in the world and she gets me. I knew I didn’t want to do anything to lose her. About a year ago I went kayaking with Pat’s husband (it was a kid activity) and in a competition he sacrificed a personal victory so that the team would win and in particular one kid who was always a loser won. At that moment I knew that he and Pat were meant for each other and that I could not be a part of anything that would hurt their marriage. Up to this point my wife had no idea of my feelings towards Pat. Though I think she guessed them because she made a few comments about my “girlfriend”. Everything was fine until as it happens with every marriage there a time where it was strained. This coincided with my wife’s trip out of the country and at my wife’s recommendation Pat was watching our kids for awhile each morning. So I was in daily contact with Pat while there was stress in the marriage. This was not a good thing but I redoubled my efforts with “Jan”, my wife, and I was successful with reconnecting with Jan and avoiding the temptation of displacement which is well documented on TAM. Shortly after this I discovered TAM and decided that I needed to be proactively transparent. Jan now can read my email, Facebook etc. We discuss nearly every contact I have with Pat and Jan now knows that I have feelings for Pat. Jan knows the benefits that I have received from my friendship with Pat and it content to trust me as long it does not violate any boundaries that Pat may want. Jan and I had agreed before we got married that we would allow cross gender friendships. My hobby (which I have not disclosed because it would identify me to my acquaintances if any are readers of TAM) involves hours alone with partners (men/women) and some times camping with them. The transparency has helped add to the comfort level Jan feels towards my hobby and she has no problems with setting boundaries for me with women she doesn’t want me to deal with. And I respect those boundaries as well as set some of my own. No touching, sexual innuendo, complaining about spouse etc. My situation differs from yours in that I have not told Pat how I feel about her and I don’t intend to. 

So Lost, I encourage you to find a way to disclose to your husband your feelings about him. You can make it work if your friend is really friend worthy and cares about you only in that way. If he keeps crossing the boundaries then he is not really your friend and you should treat him like a business acquaintance if it is necessary to keep seeing each other due to activities.


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## Voyager (May 23, 2011)

Given your husband's history with his mom I can see why you'd be doubly concerned about telling him about Matt.

However, consider this: As long as you and Matt share a secret past experience, then he has some power over you. And you never know when he may decide to exert that power in the future. If you share that secret with your husband, Matt is powerless. 

You can't really control the future but you can certainly prevent some futures. 

Just something to consider. 

And thank you for posting your story here. I have found some hope and comfort in much of the advice you've received.


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## Lostinthewoods (Jun 12, 2011)

I am just amazed at the thoughtful and insightful comments. I mean really, I feel so fortunate to have found this. 

I have spent the last 2 days just loving my H, trying to make up to him, for something he has no idea of. It's surreal. 

So today the OM reached out. I was thinking from the last text conversation when I questioned his marriage that he might not. But he did.

So I took it as my one and only chance to clarify that this would never be mentioned to anyone. 

I asked him (by text) to promise and swear that he would never mention to another living soul about the discussion we had about a crush. 

He says "on my life"

I went on to say that we could never talk again. That I care about my marriage too much. That the whole the crush thing isn't real. And to take care. 

He replied "of course...ok" and then "good call on your part....tx" 

And that is where it ended. 

So now I keep imagining myself telling my H. I may even hint to it like someone here suggested. Rather than dropping a bomb saying "H, I had an emotional affair on you". 

H knows the OM has flirted. I think if I told H that I had a sexual dream about the OM that made me uncomfortable when I saw him again, H could handle that. I don't want my H going after the OM, but to focus on my weakness. It's the OM's insistent flirting that triggered it, but it's what it woke up in me that scares me. 

I know it leaves out the part that I told the OM. But it's as far as my imagination is willing to take me at the moment. 

I do know something else. I am completely baffled by this rush of adrenaline and addiction I feel about the possibility of cheating on him. It's like a part of my brain just lit up that I did not know existed. For the first time, I think I have a clue about why sex offenders can't stop. My plan is to stay on this site and read everything I can about this addiction. 

Even as I am now, completely horrified at the thought of cheating on my H, that light in my brain is not gone yet. I am not going to act on it, but the urge is there. It's seriously my first experience of what I perceive as an addiction that I never before felt, and how it is coming up for the first time that I can identify, I have no idea. 

It is this urge, that I do want to share with my H. Because it scares me and I know he would help me with it. I don't want to be alone with it, and there is not another person on this planet that I want to tell. 

After I ended it with the OM, I found myself seeing him as the only person I could share the feeling with because we are in the same boat. Man what is wrong with me? 

I have to find a way to let my H in. 

Thanks again everyone...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Get the book Surviving An Affair. It will explain everything.

And fwiw, you are STILL TRYING TO LIE to your husband.

You will never have a successful marriage survive on lies.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

You begged the OM not to tell another living soul, and he said "on your life".

Now he has blackmail power over you-HE OWNS YOU.

Good luck-you're going to need it.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

To deal with your rush for a strange man----its cuz---your mge., has gotten, old stale, boring, the same old, same old

What you need to do---is to spend the time spicing up your mge, spend that time that you would think about "doing" another man--on "doing" what is needed for your mge

THAT ALSO MEANS IF NECESSARY YOU MAKE YOUR H----help you to spice things up---you are in a rut---and you need to deal with it---or one of these days you will cheat


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## Lostinthewoods (Jun 12, 2011)

turnera said:


> There is one way you can fix this and also have it all work out and done right.
> 
> Focus this summer on fixing your marriage. Marriages always need work. Find out what yours needs. Get the book His Needs Her Needs, and follow it. Take the steps to strengthen your marriage so that you and your DH are best friends again, can share anything, will do anything for each other...and THEN tell him the truth, about how close you came and how it affected you, and gave you a wakeup call.


This seems possible. Thanks...


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## Lostinthewoods (Jun 12, 2011)

F-102 said:


> You begged the OM not to tell another living soul, and he said "on your life".
> 
> Now he has blackmail power over you-HE OWNS YOU.
> 
> Good luck-you're going to need it.


Nah, he said "not on my life" meaning.. his. It wasn't a threat. Doesn't mean he'll keep his promise I know, but thought I clarify. Thank you..


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

I feel very sorry for your husband, to have a wife who is more concerned about herself and her boyfriend than she is about her husband. Right now, you are a dishonest and disrespectful wife, If you truly want to be an honest, respectful wife then you must do the work it takes, to make it so. Think about this, if you lie and continue to lie to your husband, and your boyfriend lies and continues to lie to his wife, then how can you trust each other to keep the secret? I am sorry for being blunt, but I encourage you most strongly to make a clean break and get your marriage back on a path of love and integrity. Please, for both your sakes, TELL THE TRUTH! If my wife had done like you, we would be divorced now. Honesty, communication, and love saved our marriage, they can save yours too.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Been following your posts, agree it's good you realized it was an EA and are wanting to work on your marriage instead of pursuing the OM.

Thought I'd mention I'm pro-saying something to your H at some point. My H had an EA/PA with a co-worker last year (I found out from OW's H). In an attempt to convince me he was done giving the trickle truth and had no more secrets, my H confessed to make out sessions with a co-worker (different job & OW) over 10 years ago. He gave me her name and all the details he could remember. You can see how things can come back to haunt you someday. It's doubtful the OM in your situation will ever say anything to his wife, but you never know. So, don't keep your H in the dark forever. 

My H said he didn't realize at the time that his screw up 10 years ago actually contributed to his slippery slope last year. He already saw himself as a "bad" unfaithful husband and a cheater. What did it matter if he did it again? (Rationalization if I ever heard one!) He thought it'd be like last time, some making out and then over. He didn't count on getting involved emotionally, then finally crossing the line and having sex. Ten years ago he promised himself he'd never betray me again, but after living with the guilt for so long, it somehow didn't seem like a big deal to heap on more guilt.

Needless to say, the issues that were in our marriage 10 years ago, were almost identical to the issues that cropped up again last year. If you don't tackle the issues that made you susceptible to an EA, it will most likely happen again. By telling your spouse, he'll make you tackle issues upon disclosure and he will keep a closer eye on you in the future. Wish I would've had that opportunity 10 years ago. By not telling him, you leave him in the dark about your weakness. You say now you'll never do it again, but given the right circumstances, anyone could be tempted. That's why both spouse should stay vigilant and alert.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Lostinthewoods said:


> So now I keep imagining myself telling my H. I may even hint to it like someone here suggested. Rather than dropping a bomb saying "H, I had an emotional affair on you".


You have good suggestions on how to communicate what is going on to your husband without having to use exact words "I had an affair". 

I would encourage you to involve your husband on your healing, for many reasons, but especially this what you said:



> it's what it woke up in me that scares me.


and



> I do know something else. I am completely baffled by this rush of adrenaline and addiction I feel about the possibility of cheating on him. It's like a part of my brain just lit up that I did not know existed. For the first time, I think I have a clue about why sex offenders can't stop. My plan is to stay on this site and read everything I can about this addiction.
> 
> Even as I am now, completely horrified at the thought of cheating on my H, that light in my brain is not gone yet. I am not going to act on it, but the urge is there. It's seriously my first experience of what I perceive as an addiction that I never before felt, and how it is coming up for the first time that I can identify, I have no idea.
> 
> ...


This addiction, feeling, rush, etc, this is what I am speaking of so often when I mention a woman is "on fire" for her man.

And how and why it's important for her husband to be producing this in her, to prevent some affair man down the road for lighting it instead!

Some get it, most do not because they maybe never experience it, don't believe it, etc etc. 

But it is very powerful and very real. 

And the way a woman experiences it, usually NEVER by things politically correct or otherwise easy to type out on family marriage forum, so I often must be subtle in the true ways to encourage good men and women to pursue these things. 

Some things about this fire:

It is lit by a woman feeling and witness actions and behaviors of boldness and dominance in a man.

It is lit when a woman feels she is pursued (action verb) by a man who is bold enough to know what he wants, and bold enough to pursue what he wants.

It is often lit by spanking (this is truth, and why I encourage all married men and women to have intiative to at the very least TRY spanking behind bedroom doors, it is safe and fun way to explore these things).

IT is often pursued by "Forbidden fruit". So in a good marriage, is good to have a deep and dark and exploratory sexual relationship behind closed doors, such things as fetishes, or bondage, or spankings, or other ways to explore the more primal or darker sexual appetites, any of these things that are "secret" between only husband and wife, and to the outside world would be SHOCKED to know the truth of behind bedroom doors! OBviously, the scenario of an affair man, introduces automatically this secrecy and forbiddeness and excitement by design, that why affairs so easily fallen into and why the affair man must be kept far away, and when he on doorstep he must be dealt with very swiftly and decisively!

The fire, it is lit by one man at the time. This why important to get your husband involved, else he never show he is on top of this affair man "Matt", so "Matt" always have the edge in your mind! The dominant man in your mind will always have this edge, give your husband his opportunity to show you his dominance, else you NEVER get this fire from your husband, and that is cheating BOTH of you of great happiness! As long as you know your husband ignorant of "Matt's" shenanigans, and you holding back the disclosure, it puts you and "Matt" above your husband and WILL kill respect. A woman will NOT feel fire from a man she does not respect. However, as a woman would feel fire from a man she respects, she will also feel fire from a man who intimidates her, or has a negative power over her, so in the way "Matt" has a dangerous secret that has power over you.

Take away this power from "Matt" and allow your husband instead to have it, else your husband never light the fire in you!

Do this.


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## whammy (Apr 22, 2011)

so now not only do you have a secret connection with this OM... now you have a secret pact with this OM. Your trusting this man with your marriage... your making it worse. TRUST YOUR HUSBAND with your marriage. Now the OM has slithered his way deeper into your marriage. Cut the bullsh*t...stop making mistakes and come clean.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I still say that he now has you where he wants you-scared that your H will find out, and he will use this to his full advantage.

And, the fact is, you STILL contacted him


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Get off the damn fence, quit protecting yourslef and show your husband the honesty and respect he deserves. You ARE cheating on him and cheating him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

F-102 said:


> You begged the OM not to tell another living soul, and he said "on your life".
> 
> Now he has blackmail power over you-HE OWNS YOU.
> 
> Good luck-you're going to need it.


EXACTLY what we have all been trying to tell you would happen. You keep digging your hole deeper and deeper. Now, you DO look bad. What're you gonna do...add another lie on top of that one? And then another to fix THAT lie when it unravels? Where does it end?

I'll tell you - with your husband disgusted at you for LYING to preserve yourself.

Tell him now and all you're guilty of is having bad feelings and worrying about your husband's feelings.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

turnera said:


> Tell him now and all you're guilty of is having bad feelings and worrying about your husband's feelings.


:iagree:

This.

Don't bother posting here, just go tell your DH you love him, had a weak moment, realized you made a mistake and want to have complete trust in each other. Then make love


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

After reading one or two of the replies, all I can say is ... WOW!!! Sorry for the flame throwers in the midst of some really good responses.

Believe it or not, most psychologists say that in their lifetime, the vast majority of married people have at least one improper thought about a person other than their spouse. Many cheat. But to define the scale in between the two is terribly hard to do.

Obviously, you did something to hurt the relationship, but only you are married to your husband. I'd be willing to admit that if you tell him that you had an emotional affair, the common man, as Ben Franklin liked to say, would assume that there was some serious sexting, pledges of love, and the like. You'd be divorced before the words got out of your mouth. 

Apparently the one or two flamers are missing this very important link between your comment and the remorse that followed so soon after. Since we're dealing in a fuzzy area, and because we do not know how your husband responds, I'd prefer to say that you should find that connection to your husband, and then follow your conscience. You've chosen to honor the relationship, so the rest just becomes a matter of timing.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Halien, your conception of ,"honoring the relationship", includes lying, and keeping secrets from you SO, and telling another man you have the hot for him. Really? You think that is acceptable behavior? Have stray erotic thoughts about other people is perfectly normal. Communicating these thoughts to the OP and hiding it from your spouse is not. LITW's cheating is not having thoughts, it is acting upon them by communicating with the OM behind her husband's back.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

whammy said:


> so now not only do you have a secret connection with this OM... now you have a secret pact with this OM. Your trusting this man with your marriage... your making it worse. TRUST YOUR HUSBAND with your marriage. Now the OM has slithered his way deeper into your marriage. Cut the bullsh*t...stop making mistakes and come clean.


This. Trust your husband. You need transparency. The longer you wait the harder it becomes. You do not want to have secrets with another man. Sooner or later it will be your undoing. AND it is extremely disrespectful to your husband. He needs to know. Good luck


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Dowjones said:


> Halien, your conception of ,"honoring the relationship", includes lying, and keeping secrets from you SO, and telling another man you have the hot for him. Really? You think that is acceptable behavior? Have stray erotic thoughts about other people is perfectly normal. Communicating these thoughts to the OP and hiding it from your spouse is not. LITW's cheating is not having thoughts, it is acting upon them by communicating with the OM behind her husband's back.


Not at all. I just think there should be standards when posting. Something a little less than your flamethrowing. So, to be honest, your post sounds like it contains zero human compassion. You don't get someone to do the right thing by dragging them through the mud. The Salem witch trials proved that. If your advice of coming clean with no thought whatsover of how that message is sent, or the scale of dishonesty, is truly the best course, then we should put alot of extra tax payer revenue into homes for abused women. I voluunteer in one such home, and frankly, some end up there because of coming clean about something they did with no thought of how little preparation the average guy has for hearing this so forthrightly. Instead of insulting her by giving a pathetic plea of sympathy for her husband to try to make her feel guilty, why not just tell her that as a man, you would want to know?


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

In honesty only does a marriage flourish. In dishonesty, monogamy disappears.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Everyone's right here, imho... I believe she should tell her H what's going on, but needs to filter the message getting delivered, not just dump it all out on the table without a care as to what he's going to hear. Every detail need not be there; the point is, she gets what she's started, stops it, removes any secrecy about "it", solicits H's help & partnership in solving it, and works extra-hard at the marriage + taking control back from the OM -- which he now has based on the secrecy. It's the illicit secrecy that makes it an "affair". Not the thoughts.

I still urge you, litw, to not harbor any secrets. It WILL damage your marriage, from the inside-out, and/or from the outside-in. Both are way worse scenarios than getting it out there and elevating the strength of your marriage here & now.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

2xloser said:


> Everyone's right here, imho... I believe she should tell her H what's going on, but needs to filter the message getting delivered, not just dump it all out on the table without a care as to what he's going to hear. Every detail need not be there; the point is, she gets what she's started, stops it, removes any secrecy about "it", solicits H's help & partnership in solving it, and works extra-hard at the marriage + taking control back from the OM -- which he now has based on the secrecy. It's the illicit secrecy that makes it an "affair". Not the thoughts.
> 
> I still urge you, litw, to not harbor any secrets. It WILL damage your marriage, from the inside-out, and/or from the outside-in. Both are way worse scenarios than getting it out there and elevating the strength of your marriage here & now.


:iagree:
What he said!!!


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Halien said:


> Not at all. I just think there should be standards when posting. Something a little less than your flamethrowing. So, to be honest, your post sounds like it contains zero human compassion. You don't get someone to do the right thing by dragging them through the mud. The Salem witch trials proved that. If your advice of coming clean with no thought whatsover of how that message is sent, or the scale of dishonesty, is truly the best course, then we should put alot of extra tax payer revenue into homes for abused women. I voluunteer in one such home, and frankly, some end up there because of coming clean about something they did with no thought of how little preparation the average guy has for hearing this so forthrightly. Instead of insulting her by giving a pathetic plea of sympathy for her husband to try to make her feel guilty, why not just tell her that as a man, you would want to know?


First off, you don't know me, nor what it has taken for my wife and I to regain the trust and love her EA damaged. While I have been blunt, I have , in no way, been disrespectful or rude. LITW needs to hear the facts, not some wishy-washy, feel-good platitudes. I feel very sorry that she acted on her impulses, and poured her desires out to another man, but that is exactly what she did, and I know of no other way of repairing the damage than to show her husband the same respect and desire that she has talked about with this other man. Bearing in mind , that I NEVER said that she should tell him, cold-turkey, but that her goal is to show him the love and respect a husband or wife deserves, increase the communication between them, and prove that she is no longer in contact with the OM, then when she tells him, he will be prepared and will realize from her actions that she is telling him the truth and is proving herself a loyal and loving wife. LITW has stated that she is considering not telling him at all. This is my main issue. To do so is neither loving, respectful, or honest.


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## Lostinthewoods (Jun 12, 2011)

Dowjones said:


> I feel very sorry that she acted on her impulses, and poured her desires out to another man,


Okay, so just to be clear, I did not pour my desires. And while the flames AND the empathy are both helping me, That is the kind of response here that sound like assumptions are being made. Which is exactly why I am hesitant to tell H. 

If you read my OP there was no secret exchange. It was a build up of feelings inside of me. And then an infidelity dream, and then fantasy during sex with my H. None of that has ever been shared with the OM. It was when I saw the OM in a social situation that I found it hard to look at him, and left without saying goodbye. 

The next day, he asked me why I left like I did, and THAT is when I told him that I had a dream about him (didn't give any details) and felt like I had developed a school girl crush, and that if we were to be friends we needed to clear the sexual tension. I questioned his marriage because I thought maybe they were swingers or had an open relationship- which I think made him uncomfortable. I basically was trying to clear the air.

His response back was that he had a crush on me and had felt that way from the beginning. That was wrong, but that was it. 

We did not carry on about sex, or wanting each other or anything. I was truly trying to acknowledge the elephant in the room because it made me uncomfortable. I know now that he was not the person I should have "aired" it with, but to me, it seemed like the direct and pointed thing to do. 

The very next time he reached out to me, I responded back that we cannot talk anymore, that my marriage is too important, that the crush is not real, and to promise not to bring it up to anyone that we talked about it that one time. He said okay, and he said good call. 

Haven't heard from him since. 

For what it's worth, since my OP, I have decided not to be friends with him. At the time I wrote the OP I was still wondering if I could. Reading all of these great perspectives cleared that up for me immediately, because I was able to see without the fog. 

It's the assumptions and the extreme black and white thinking that I see some of you have about it, that is what I fear my H will do. And while I should not have shared that one text with the OM, I know too that my intention was to "clear the air". Albeit, naive and overly optimistic, but at the same time, not to be over simplified as CHEATER. 

I don't see that I am now a straight up CHEATER. I see that I made a mistake that was sending me in that direction, but I came here 3 days after that text conversation (we hadn't spoken since) because I knew it felt wrong the second I sent it. 

Along with that feeling, I also felt (and still feel) a pull toward that rush, but am not acting on it. Just trying to air it out here instead, because for what I did, versus what might be assumed, I am not sure it's worth losing my marriage over- given my H fragility with his own mother, his tendency to compare me to her (yes he does)- and how I did (or did not) take it. 

I will keep coming back to read whatever you all have to throw at me. Because it is keeping me out of the fog. Yes, I do feel the fog still. But I realize I don't miss the OM, I miss that rush. 

I am trying to bring that rush to my H. Work and family and schedules make it hard, but it's what I am craving. 

Funny thing is, I actually really agree with some previous posters whole spanking theory! It cracks me up, but I think there is some truth in there which is something I could only say totally anonymously, and something my H has done here and there, but hasn't for some time. 

I am also exploring my own sexual abuse, and my insecurities that make me want the attention, but on the other hand, I am looking to honor the animal in me, and just direct it at my H. 

Thanks again everyone. I appreciate all the effort and passionate responses. This kind of topic elicits some intense feelings, and I feel safer right now exploring that on my own. 

I love my H, but he is one who in an emotional situation kind of bowls me over with his intellect. I take a lot of time to process my own feelings. Every day since I posted here, I have come closer to finding a way to tell him, but it's going to have to be in a way that he won't make the assumptions that can easily be made.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Lostinthewoods said:


> If you read my OP *there was no secret exchange*. It was a build up of feelings inside of me. And then an infidelity dream, and then fantasy during sex with my H. None of that has ever been shared with the OM. It was when I saw the OM in a social situation that I found it hard to look at him, and left without saying goodbye.
> 
> The next day, he asked me why I left like I did, and THAT is when *I told him that I had a dream about him *(didn't give any details) *and felt like I had developed a school girl crush*, and that if we were to be friends we needed to clear the sexual tension. *I questioned his marriage because I thought maybe they were swingers or had an open relationship*- which I think made him uncomfortable. *I basically was trying to clear the air.*His response back was that he had a crush on me and had felt that way from the beginning. That was wrong, but that was it.
> 
> ...


With respect, I still think you are trying to minimize this, you don't seem to think your actions to refuse to tell you H isn't a threat to your marriage. I know it sounds harsh that what you are saying is being boiled down to cheating, it not the lustful thoughts, fantasies, feeling etc that is the cheating, its the refusal to trust in your H. We are choosing to use that word because based on the experiences of many of us we are trying to emphasize to you how thin the ice you are treading on is.

I think the only thing black and white to many on here is that a strong marriage is one of the most amazing things in the universe - you have the potential for a wonderful marriage and it hasn't been strained beyond repair by any means, unless of course there really is no trust there. The only thing left to question is whether you believe your relationship can deal with the truth of it - your H may react strongly and so some sensitivity is definitely in order, but if you hold back anything then what is it that you really value from your marriage? We are all rooting for you to "come clean" so that you can reinforce the foundation of your relationship.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

In honesty only does a marriage flourish. In dishonesty, monogamy disappears.


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## Lostinthewoods (Jun 12, 2011)

Lon said:


> but if you hold back anything then what is it that you really value from your marriage? We are all rooting for you to "come clean" so that you can reinforce the foundation of your relationship.


I agree, I agree, I agree and thank you. I know it's a lot of post rationalization. It does boil down to not trusting my H to understand. I don't, and that points to other problems, and another discussion. 

And looking at my last post, it is clear that I did have the secret exchange with the OM, even if it was under the (true/false) pretense to "clear the air" - it was not appropriate. I get that. 

I suppose that is what you would call the defining "cheating" moment. The black/white of it. I still effed up. 

Which is why I am coming here. I need to hear and see it from others. I need to own it. And without history and baggage with you all, it's coming through loud and clear. 

Sad today.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

You are doing great Lost. Look at my avatar and smile...DAMMIT!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Change sad today to "new day" , we all learn from our mistakes, it helps having input from posters who are not close to you. You know what to do, when ready chose your words and timing. You may call it a crush if you wish as long as you are honest, your husband may choose to call it something else. Your actions thereafter are what he should recognise as your commitment to shut this down, he may decide to call the OM or his wife, this does happen so be prepared.

Take each day as it comes.

Best wishes
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Lostinthewoods said:


> I will keep coming back to read whatever you all have to throw at me. Because it is keeping me out of the fog. Yes, I do feel the fog still. But I realize I don't miss the OM, I miss that rush.
> 
> I am trying to bring that rush to my H. Work and family and schedules make it hard, but it's what I am craving.


By working on bringing the rush back you will create opportunities for disclosure. So this is important. You can make the rush come back with your husband. However you also need to work on transforming your feelings about the OM becuase if he does contact you again (and it sounds like he will) the rush will probably still be there. If you get the rush back with your husband, chances are that that rush will overwhelm anything that will come back from the OM.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Lostinthewoods said:


> Funny thing is, I actually really agree with some previous posters whole spanking theory!


"Theory"...? :scratchhead:

It's more than a mere theory. 



> It cracks me up, but I think there is some truth in there which is something I could only say totally anonymously, and something my H has done here and there, but hasn't for some time.


You need to get him back into spanking you when you are particularly sassy and naughty.

This type of dynamic, this keeps affair men far away.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What is the spanking theory?


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Jellybeans said:


> What is the spanking theory?




Love taps - AskMen

Erotic spanking - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ars-very-happy-husband-writes.html#post106832


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## Voyager (May 23, 2011)

LostInTheWoods,

I have faith that you will do what's right for you and your husband. Regardless of the passionate responses you get here, you are face to face with the situation, you have to make the decision and you have to suffer the benefits/consequences of your actions. And that's only right since it's your voyage. Learn from everyone here--even those who speak from their own pain--but make your own decision based on your life and what you want it to be.

We all go at our own pace. There's no schedule. I'm pretty slow at processing my feelings, too. I get it. 

It seems to me that so very few people seek out advice before finding themselves beyond the line. Kudos to you for doing so.


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## Lostinthewoods (Jun 12, 2011)

Voyager said:


> LostInTheWoods,
> 
> I have faith that you will do what's right for you and your husband. Regardless of the passionate responses you get here, you are face to face with the situation, you have to make the decision and you have to suffer the benefits/consequences of your actions. And that's only right since it's your voyage. Learn from everyone here--even those who speak from their own pain--but make your own decision based on your life and what you want it to be.
> 
> ...


Now you are just making me cry! Thank you...


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## Lostinthewoods (Jun 12, 2011)

BigBadWolf said:


> "Theory"...? :scratchhead:
> 
> It's more than a mere theory.
> 
> ...


...and you are making me laugh....thank you.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Voyager said:


> It seems to me that so very few people seek out advice before finding themselves beyond the line. Kudos to you for doing so.


I certainly wish I had before I crossed the line in my affair and I wholeheartedly agree - kudos to her. I think that's why those of us on the wayward side are so emphatically imploring her stop, which she appears to have. I hope she is strong enough to keep her resolve, I wasn't, but the people here would have helped me had I known about this site.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Just to add a smaller piece of unsolicited advice: When we struggled through her 'full disclosure' and explanations to many of my questions, my wife found it helpful to write out replies and explanations, rather than try to tell me verbally. It gave her time to sort through what she was saying and ensure the clarity she wanted was there. It also helped because I couldn't interrupt and derail what she wanted to say... 
Perhaps might help you to do something like this.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

LITW, You are making much more sense , now that you are trying to arrange a method of telling him, and considering his rights and feelings first. My only problem was when you said that maybe you wouldn't tell him at all, which I think is a really, really bad idea. Be patient, and do everything you can to prove your faithfulness, love and honesty and your marriage may even grow stronger as a result. It happened to us and it can happen to you. Then after you clear the air, you and hubby can both explore the spicy side of marriage. I wish you well.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Keep up the good work lost. You are heading in the right direction! Just don't fall off the wagon and have contact again. IN fact, I think one of the NC letters would be a very good idea. LEaves NOTHING open for interpretation. HEre is the one my wife sent. Different situation, you'll get the key points though.

have decided to be completely honest and have told him everything.

We have decided to stay together permanently.

There will be no contact ever of ANY type - direct or indirect, for life with ANY member of our family. 

I will refuse any attempts at contact and notify him immediately if you try to contact me.



His or my name is NEVER to be revealed to anyone including your wife, we want no contact with her either.


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## DoveInTheMud (May 25, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Lostinthewoods, it's wonderful that you clearly recognize that you are on the slippery slope to an EA.
> 
> It may not be possible to be totally NC since you work together, but you need to keep ALL communication with him brief and short and on the professional level only. No lunches together, no personal talks together, and avoid situations where you two would be alone together. If he says "hello" or something like that, do not respond. This may seem rude, but you have no choice if you want to curtail any deeper feelings for this man. You must also tell him to do the same, not ask. You CANNOT be friends with him, especially since you are developing feelings for him.





2xloser said:


> you've GOT to take the step of admitting you need help with the problem to stop this from becoming a disaster you WILL look back on and regret. The cold hard truth is that the person to help you is hubby.
> 
> Your one and only choice is to get it on the table with hubby _in order to actually strengthen your marriage_ and to prevent harming it further, by the two of you working together to resolve it.
> 
> ...


I've copied above extactly what I would have said, too.

From what you have shared, I personally think that you were 'only' unfaithful in your mind, not yet in action. Yes, you told 'Matt' your feelings for him and he responded, but from what you wrote it has not gone further than that.

Take this amazing opportunity to stop it all right now, because even a tiny step further is a step down a steep icy slope and before you know it you will crash.

This Matt IS an ENEMY TO YOUR MARRIAGE, and therefore also to you. The thrill you're getting from him right now is all smoke and mirrors. He is likely to have done it before and likely to stay married to his wife (who is being lied to) and he'll likely find another victim in the future for his advances.

Your husband loves you, HE is the one who trusts you and is committed to spend the rest of his life with you.

After you confessed to him, and after the initial pain eases and you start to re-build from the brokeness, think strategically about what you and your husband can do to get some of the 'thrill' back into your marriage. Take time for 'play', doing things that fills your heart, makes you laugh out loud, etc.... you were vulnerable to this man's advances because you and your husband allowed your lives to get into a rut - which is ok for a while, but obviously dangerous. 

Please let us know what is going on in your life.


Also, personally, I think your first account here on this site was so truthful and straightforward, that I think it would be ok for your husband to read after you confessed to him.

He may receive a lot of help and support by going on this site... just make sure you both are not obviously linked so that you can both get impartial advice.


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## findingmyway (May 25, 2011)

LITW, how is it going? Have you had contact with your OM again? 

Hope all is well.

FMW


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## Lostinthewoods (Jun 12, 2011)

Thanks for asking. 

No contact, no attempt from either side. 

I am getting the distance I need, and am feeling much better, less foggy, and very focused on my H. 

Just this morning he brought up his own mothers infidelity, saying that he needs to further his understanding of his mothers actions. 

I thought for a second, that once I understand how I got started in that direction myself, I might be able to help him understand her. 

But for now I keep coming here to keep my head clear, and work on us by working on myself. What a great forum.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So...you've decided to not tell him?


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## findingmyway (May 25, 2011)

Good for you, I still would be stunned if he did not try to reach out to you again within the next few weeks. If not, he'll try again sometime in the future. 

Whatever you do, be smart. 

Best of luck
FMW


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## perfectstranger (Aug 14, 2010)

*on the other hand...*

Doesn't a detailed full-disclosure seem unnecessarily cruel in this situation?
Frankly, most of us live in a culture of extreme over-sharing. Relating every detail of a dirty dream to one's spouse really strikes me as some sort of natural progression from many of the status updates I see on facebook. 
While LITW has not necessarily taken a direct route, I think she's sorting through this in an above average way. She was left to handle a spiraling situation on her own after she mentioned the flirting to H and he failed to respond. I heartily agree, btw, with the posters who call this a BIG miss on his part.
Absolutely, revisit the flirting conversation with hubby by saying that it was an uncomfortable progression and you prefer not to have any contact with this other guy. But, seriously, don't discuss the dark dreams or dirty fantasies. 
What needs to come out of this? Basically, it appears LITW needs to set better boundaries for herself and she needs H to man up. 
Obviously, betrayed spouses will have a different reaction. But, to me, the bottom line is nothing actually happened. Since the OP seems strongly motivated to self-correct, I would think the lesson can be learned and lead to relationship-building without wounding her spouse.
Really loving someone doesn't require hurting him with unnecessary information. Sometimes, sharing is just a form of selfishness, isn't it?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: on the other hand...*



perfectstranger said:


> Doesn't a detailed full-disclosure seem unnecessarily cruel in this situation?


Sounds like someone who's cheated themselves.

Detailed, full disclosure of what? That she had a crush on someone? That she exchanged an email? 

What's cruel is deciding to live your marriage based on a lie, and having to spend the rest of your marriage looking over your shoulder, hoping you don't get caught.

What kind of marriage is that?


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

ps - I agree gory details are not necessary becuase they only create triggers andin your head movies. But I completely disagree that nothing needs to be shared. FOr a marriage to stay healthy, both spouses must let the other know when the are approached or approach someone so it can be stopped and the issues worked through together that lead to the situation. To do otherwise is dishonest and deceiptful to your spouse. Something led to the vulnerability and if it's not dealt with or swept under the rug, it will come back again. Hiding this kind of problem can only be becasue you don't trust your spouse enough to do the right thing. The first step on a very slippery slope.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Plus, her ONLY reason for not telling her husband the truth is that she is afraid her husband will leave HER. It's not because she loves her husband. It's because she loves herself.


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## Voyager (May 23, 2011)

*Re: on the other hand...*



perfectstranger said:


> Doesn't a detailed full-disclosure seem unnecessarily cruel in this situation?
> ...


The question is how much control does one really have over the future. And which is more cruel, hurting him now by being honest, or the possibility of inflicting even greater emothional pain in the future? 

There simply is no guarantee that LITW's husband will remain ignorant of this situation. And as long as LITW and 'Matt' remain alive, that will be a constant. For me, it would not have been nearly so painful to have been told by my wife that she had strayed when she first did. It was the dishonesty by omission (for over eight years in our case) that cut the deepest. The apparent lack of respect and the harm it does to one's self-confidence is debilitating and becomes even more so the longer it goes on. 

Is it possible LITW's husband will never know? Yes. Is it possible LITW can deal with the guilt without destroying her marriage. Yes. But my guess is it's unlikely. My opinion is that the best way to defuse it is to be honest and face the consequences sooner rather than later. Focus on building a stronger relationship, not on hiding her past from her husband.

I suspect that no matter how hard LITW professes that she is trying to protect him from hurt, once he knows he will always (as I do in my wife's case) suspect that keeping it secret was more for her protection than his. It's not so much her words and actions that are important. It is her husband's perceptions of her motives that will hold meaning for him. And by not telling him, by not sharing her own heartache and guilt, she can easily appear either cowardly or unconcerned. Neither are attractive or conducive to a solid relationship. 

While I'm not a big fan of the phrase because I consider it sexist, I think she eventually needs to 'man up'. As for the details... I think she needs to give as many and as much as he thinks he needs in order to believe in her sincerity and honesty. 

Granted, I don't think LITW's actions were all that serious. They were a step in a dangerous direction but she did correct herself. I think the bigger issue is one of her finding the courage to share her private thoughts with her husband--the one person she should be able to do this with. And I think, given time, she'll find the way to do that.


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## robertsmithx86 (Jan 16, 2014)

I read this whole post today. It has been awhile since anyone ever said anything. I quietly wonder if litw ever said anything to her husband. That was the central question, and if she did, what did she say? 

It is between the two of them now. I hope she constructively brought up that there were problems in their marriage that they needed to work on, and they went forward and fought and argued and resolved like married couples are supposed to.

I am at the hard end of a relationship now. I was cheated on and not told the whole truth. There were omissions and cover-ups. Weeks later new facts emerged. It killed any progress that had been made and sent us into tailspin.

The reality of the damage this does is repeated throughout this post. You have a few golden moments to confess openly what happened, and then exhale and say 'that's it,' you can say no more.

Any 'new' things you 'remember' will be treated for what they are- omitted lies. I hope in her opportunity to confess or confront litw told him everything she feels he needed to know, and told herself to never bring up omissions she left out for any reason.

My relationship is destroyed because of this. my SO had an indesgression. i found all the facts through close sources, but there were more facts outside what she told me that swam to the surface later. i wanted to love her and trust her. instead we fell again and hope faded as we built new trust on a rotting foundation.

Good luck lost, I hope you figured it out.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Robertsmith, 

I wondered too? I'm sorry you're going through what you're going through too. :-( 

~sammy


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

robertsmithx86 said:


> I read this whole post today. It has been awhile since anyone ever said anything. I quietly wonder if litw ever said anything to her husband. That was the central question, and if she did, what did she say?
> 
> It is between the two of them now. I hope she constructively brought up that there were problems in their marriage that they needed to work on, and they went forward and fought and argued and resolved like married couples are supposed to.
> 
> ...


*RobertX: Your own story sounds intriguing! I see that this being your very first TAM post, you really ought to post it up onto a thread of your very own. I, for one, would be most interested to hear more detail about it, as doing so is not only therapeutic for you, but also for those of us who read it in looking back at our own personal experiences!

Welcome to TAM, Sir! I hate to see you here, but you've found yourself a refuge from the storm here!*


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## jnichk76 (Nov 4, 2013)

robertsmithx86 said:


> I read this whole post today. It has been awhile since anyone ever said anything. I quietly wonder if litw ever said anything to her husband. That was the central question, and if she did, what did she say?
> 
> It is between the two of them now. I hope she constructively brought up that there were problems in their marriage that they needed to work on, and they went forward and fought and argued and resolved like married couples are supposed to.
> 
> ...


I wanted to know to. I am praying for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mmdog60 (Apr 3, 2014)

Lose the OM MAN TOTALLY. He is toxic to you mental state right now. In his ownnway he is a predator and is manipulating you to hear what you want to hear. You are vulnerable right now and he is invading that weakness, knowing just what he is doing. Work with the hubby ;-)


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## Mmdog60 (Apr 3, 2014)

Lose the OM MAN TOTALLY. If need be change your texting #. He is toxic to you mental state right now. In his ownnway he is a predator and is manipulating you to hear what you want to hear. You are vulnerable right now and he is invading that weakness, knowing just what he is doing. Work with the hubby ;-)


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