# totally indecisive



## ViaCi (Nov 12, 2008)

I don't really know where to start with this, so I guess I'll do my best to provide a concise background first.
my husband (let's call him Joe) and i first met about 7 years ago, working together. we were just pals, since he was married at the time and I had other interests (I wasn't yet 21 anyway). Over the course of a year, his wife had an affair and he got an annullment. I had been seeing someone and it didn't work out. we started hanging out more and eventually one thing led to another. I wasn't yet 22 when we started dating, and neither of us dated anyone else after that. About 10 months in, we were out with a friend and Joe was very drunk. I was sober so I drove us 3 back. Joe was being very belligerent and insulting, and I lost my temper and slammed on the brakes, dumping him into the backseat footwell. He flew into a rage, reaching up and choking me (thankfully I had pulled over already). He leapt from the car and our friend had to chase him down. After that we would fight often, and hard, though he never touched me like that again, although the furniture sometimes took a beating. But there were lots of good times and eventually we moved to the east coast, with plans to get married, just before my 24th birthday. We got married when we were 24 & 27 (he's older), and things were mostly good for a while. We learned how to fight, and he did a lot of things that most women dream their husbands would do: the dishes, foot rubs, spontaneous flowers, thoughtful gifts, etc. Then job stress hit us both hard and the fighting started again. At this point our sex life was already floundering (my lack of interest, not his), although when we did, it was/is very good. Anyway, we were having a very bad fight one night and he slapped me hard, 2 or 3 times. It happened so fast I could hardly believe it. I know, this is sounding like a bad lifetime episode already. That was 2 years ago, and nothing even close to that has happened since. His temper has improved vastly (he used to be very verbally abusive when we fought, above and beyond what most people deliver), but his job stability is awful - not because of hard economic times but bad choices he's made. He also ran up thousands of dollars on a high-interest credit card without telling me (I found out on my own), which was another betrayal. It was for a lame business venture that I had already ok'd spending over $1000 of our savings on, so it's not like I hadn't been supportive. 
I know this is very long. He's not a bad man. He tries very hard. But I just don't know if I can deal with some of these things that may not have an end in sight. I'm still young. I don't want to throw away something that does have a lot of good history, and even potential, but I don't want to keep "trying" when my heart just won't ever be in it (I don't know that for sure) and wind up single again in 5 or 10 more years.
Questions about anything are welcome!


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

ViaCi said:


> I don't really know where to start with this, so I guess I'll do my best to provide a concise background first.
> my husband (let's call him Joe) and i first met about 7 years ago, working together. we were just pals, since he was married at the time and I had other interests (I wasn't yet 21 anyway). Over the course of a year, his wife had an affair and he got an annullment. I had been seeing someone and it didn't work out. we started hanging out more and eventually one thing led to another. I wasn't yet 22 when we started dating, and neither of us dated anyone else after that. About 10 months in, we were out with a friend and Joe was very drunk. I was sober so I drove us 3 back. Joe was being very belligerent and insulting, and I lost my temper and slammed on the brakes, dumping him into the backseat footwell. He flew into a rage, reaching up and choking me (thankfully I had pulled over already). He leapt from the car and our friend had to chase him down. After that we would fight often, and hard, though he never touched me like that again, although the furniture sometimes took a beating. But there were lots of good times and eventually we moved to the east coast, with plans to get married, just before my 24th birthday. We got married when we were 24 & 27 (he's older), and things were mostly good for a while. We learned how to fight, and he did a lot of things that most women dream their husbands would do: the dishes, foot rubs, spontaneous flowers, thoughtful gifts, etc. Then job stress hit us both hard and the fighting started again. At this point our sex life was already floundering (my lack of interest, not his), although when we did, it was/is very good. Anyway, we were having a very bad fight one night and he slapped me hard, 2 or 3 times. It happened so fast I could hardly believe it. I know, this is sounding like a bad lifetime episode already. That was 2 years ago, and nothing even close to that has happened since. His temper has improved vastly (he used to be very verbally abusive when we fought, above and beyond what most people deliver), but his job stability is awful - not because of hard economic times but bad choices he's made. He also ran up thousands of dollars on a high-interest credit card without telling me (I found out on my own), which was another betrayal. It was for a lame business venture that I had already ok'd spending over $1000 of our savings on, so it's not like I hadn't been supportive.
> I know this is very long. He's not a bad man. He tries very hard. But I just don't know if I can deal with some of these things that may not have an end in sight. I'm still young. I don't want to throw away something that does have a lot of good history, and even potential, but I don't want to keep "trying" when my heart just won't ever be in it (I don't know that for sure) and wind up single again in 5 or 10 more years.
> Questions about anything are welcome!



you speak of fights. has he done any anger control sessions?

and money issues. have you heard of dave ramsey and living debt-free? you're young, that would be a great step.

what "bad choices" has he made with regard to employment stability?


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

1) choke at 21, 2)3 time slap at 24, 3) ???????
Maybe he lets things get to him and holds them in.He needs anger management. There is no excuse for abuse.


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## ViaCi (Nov 12, 2008)

we did a little counseling, but sporadically. with no insurance, those visits add up fast. I've always had a hard time finding a therapist I like (have had one in the distant past for other reasons), but the anger has definitely improved.
as far as finances, I handle ours (paying the bills and all that fun stuff), but when he ran up that card, i was angry and hurt not only because he did without telling me, but he thought he could "fix it" before I noticed (he told me this himself when I found out), which was added sneaky to the pile, and that really angered me. 
he wants to make his "own way", and that's fine. but his entrepreneurial endeavors, especially in his desired industry, have all fallen flat. Not for lack of trying. I've been very supportive. The place we worked at together in 2006/2006 closed, and we both filed for unemployment. I went back to my old job after less than 2 months, but he wanted to put his full efforts into one of his schemes, and I was supportive. That's when he ran up the card. He got a job, but it was a very bad work environment, so he left (which I was fine with) after about 5 months. Then he basically couldn't keep his smart-alecky mouth shut when the regional manager of his new job (who was a jerk, but he's still top gun), so he got fired on the spot after working there less than 3 months. Then he took his sweet time because he wanted this one particular job, and he got laid off from that (no fault of his own, far as I know) after less than 2 months. I was very patient through all of this, didn't berate him, although it certainly was a strain on our finances. Thankfully I was doing well at my job when he got fired so we squeaked by. His work history has always been spotty - always leaving a place, has rarely worked anywhere more than a year (if that), which concerns me. I also don't think he has a backup plan if his latest endeavor doesn't pan out, and I can't spend my life with someone who's bitter because life didn't go his way. He's very proud but also has an inferiority complex that even he doesn't recognize. It manifests in ways I just dont like, it makes me not want to be around him.
he's currently living in another city right now, working, and when I realized after about a month that I didn't miss him really I told him I wanted this (through feb, when I was/am supposed to move there as well) to be more than just a geographical separation. His first response was "so you want to sleep with other men" (which is ridiculous), but we talked a while and he is hurt, scared, and confused. I am too, but for different reasons.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

ViaCi said:


> we did a little counseling, but sporadically. with no insurance, those visits add up fast. I've always had a hard time finding a therapist I like (have had one in the distant past for other reasons), but the anger has definitely improved.
> as far as finances, I handle ours (paying the bills and all that fun stuff), but when he ran up that card, i was angry and hurt not only because he did without telling me, but he thought he could "fix it" before I noticed (he told me this himself when I found out), which was added sneaky to the pile, and that really angered me. .


the sneaky pile. i like that phrase. men like myself and your husband, we always are tending to our "sneaky pile." you gave me a new perspective on it. i'm done with my "sneaky pile" as of today. 



ViaCi said:


> he wants to make his "own way", and that's fine. but his entrepreneurial endeavors, especially in his desired industry, have all fallen flat. Not for lack of trying. I've been very supportive. .


supportive? let's take a look at how you refer to him in your text.




ViaCi said:


> That's when he ran up the card. He got a job, but it was a very bad work environment, so he left (which I was fine with) after about 5 months. Then he basically couldn't keep his smart-alecky mouth shut


smart-alecky. are you sure he wasn't standing up for what he thought was right?



ViaCi said:


> when the regional manager of his new job (who was a jerk, but he's still top gun), so he got fired on the spot after working there less than 3 months. Then he took his sweet time because he wanted this one particular job, and he got laid off from that (no fault of his own, far as I know) after less than 2 months. I was very patient through all of this, didn't berate him, although it certainly was a strain on our finances. Thankfully I was doing well at my job when he got fired so we squeaked by. His work history has always been spotty - always leaving a place, has rarely worked anywhere more than a year (if that), which concerns me. I also don't think he has a backup plan if his latest endeavor doesn't pan out, and I can't spend my life with someone who's bitter because life didn't go his way. .


took his "sweet time?" maybe he thought his "scheme" was going to play out.



ViaCi said:


> He's very proud but also has an inferiority complex that even he doesn't recognize..


"inferiority complex?" maybe a better way to refer to it is "self-esteem issues." a counselor could definitely help him find them.




ViaCi said:


> he's currently living in another city right now, working, and when I realized after about a month that I didn't miss him really I told him I wanted this (through feb, when I was/am supposed to move there as well) to be more than just a geographical separation. His first response was "so you want to sleep with other men" (which is ridiculous), but we talked a while and he is hurt, scared, and confused.


other than a geographical separation, what do you want it to be?



ViaCi said:


> I am too, but for different reasons.


i'm extremely sorry you are hurt, scared and confused. so many of the things you are feeling this way about seem so simple to rectify. and i know it's not simple.

would him keeping a job for more than a year solve it? not participating in financial "schemes?" having access to credit?
i'm not trying to be flippant, i want yo see you two succeed.


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## ViaCi (Nov 12, 2008)

smart-alecky. are you sure he wasn't standing up for what he thought was right?

we work in restaurants, and the manager had was demanding some very impractical methods. Nothing that is "wrong", just stupid frankly. I also thought he (the manager) was being an idiot, but Joe tried to argue with him (knowing this man was already short-tempered and unpredictable), and I know how he is when he thinks someone is being an idiot - he's not very good at hiding it.

took his "sweet time?" maybe he thought his "scheme" was going to play out.
this one wasn't a scheme, but he really wanted to work at this new restaurant, and the opening got pushed back a couple times. Still, I really was pretty laid back about it.


"inferiority complex?" maybe a better way to refer to it is "self-esteem issues." a counselor could definitely help him find them.
Call it what you want, but Joe is 30 now, and we have talked about these things before.



other than a geographical separation, what do you want it to be?
emotional. I didn't want to be talking every day, trying to pretend everything's just fine.


i'm extremely sorry you are hurt, scared and confused. so many of the things you are feeling this way about seem so simple to rectify. and i know it's not simple.
you got that right! lol 

would him keeping a job for more than a year solve it? not participating in financial "schemes?" having access to credit?
job stability would help. the "schemes" aren't costing anything now, not in the sense of money. But I'm not confident he has a backup plan, which means he could wind up bartending for quite some time. As long as he has a steady job with decent income, I don't care if he bartends forever. But he would be MISERABLE, and don't want to be around that. Yet he refuses to consider/create a backup plan because he wants his way so badly. There's nothing wrong with drive and enthusiasm, but at some point you have to be a little realistic, y'know?
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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Joe needs to grow up, there is no reason for physical abuse period. Just because he promises to not do it again doesn't mean that he will. Further the whole abusing the furniture, walls and or pets type of thing is still abuse used to control you. He needs anger management no matter what he has to do to get there. 

His work history is an issue too. Sometimes you have to suck it up no matter if you think you know more thn the boss. He has proven that he can't be a stable enviroment. As an employer just looking at an app with out stable work history would be a red flag.

Him getting upset isn't your fault. He wants you to leave a stable job to move to an area that he is in so he can control you. Let alone do you believe he can keep his job there? Why should you give up your job to move with him?

If you want this to work only anger management and counsiling on his part will make it work. I would also suggest all drugs and alcohol off limits.

draconis


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

ViaCi said:


> smart-alecky. are you sure he wasn't standing up for what he thought was right?
> 
> we work in restaurants, and the manager had was demanding some very impractical methods. Nothing that is "wrong", just stupid frankly. I also thought he (the manager) was being an idiot, but Joe tried to argue with him (knowing this man was already short-tempered and unpredictable), and I know how he is when he thinks someone is being an idiot - he's not very good at hiding it.


with the knowledge that his "boss" is short-tempered and unpredictable, he should've know of the consequences of "speaking up." it's not fair, but neither is the world.



ViaCi said:


> took his "sweet time?" maybe he thought his "scheme" was going to play out.
> this one wasn't a scheme, but he really wanted to work at this new restaurant, and the opening got pushed back a couple times. Still, I really was pretty laid back about it.


i used the words "scheme" because i thought i saw it in your post. hey, if he "really wanted" to work at this new restaurant, commend him for achieving his goal. if the opening got pushed back (it happens) then yes, he should have some contingency plan for income.


ViaCi said:


> "inferiority complex?" maybe a better way to refer to it is "self-esteem issues." a counselor could definitely help him find them.
> Call it what you want, but Joe is 30 now, and we have talked about these things before.


you guys "talking about it" doesn't necessarily help him work through self-esteem issue. i've been the top guy in two industries for the past 20+ years, and, as it turns out, many of my marital problems were due to lack of self-esteem. think about the law enforcement officers who many accuse of having "little man syndrome." they might be great cops, but still have self-esteem issues. maybe their "syndrome" makes 'em better cops!


ViaCi said:


> other than a geographical separation, what do you want it to be?
> emotional. I didn't want to be talking every day, trying to pretend everything's just fine.


okay, agreed, everything is not "just fine." i think his emotional survival hinges on him acting like everything is "just fine." so long as he is working on the issues that you two have within your relationship, that's okay.


ViaCi said:


> i'm extremely sorry you are hurt, scared and confused. so many of the things you are feeling this way about seem so simple to rectify. and i know it's not simple.
> you got that right! lol


good, you're experiencing it, and you know it's not simple. remember that. it's complex.


ViaCi said:


> would him keeping a job for more than a year solve it? not participating in financial "schemes?" having access to credit?
> job stability would help. the "schemes" aren't costing anything now, not in the sense of money. But I'm not confident he has a backup plan, which means he could wind up bartending for quite some time. As long as he has a steady job with decent income, I don't care if he bartends forever. But he would be MISERABLE, and don't want to be around that.


okay, your plan for you guys:

1) steady job/decent income+backup plan(what is your idea of a backup plan?)=your confidence in him

2) no "schemes"= maybe he's grown wary of them (are they mlm, get rich quick kinda things???)

3) have a plan for "upward mobility." but what if he WANTS to be the best damned bartender ever??? i hear bartenders can make decent money. and the achievement would maybe lead to greater self-esteem. but i think individual counseling might be the answer for him.



ViaCi said:


> Yet he refuses to consider/create a backup plan because he wants his way so badly. There's nothing wrong with drive and enthusiasm, but at some point you have to be a little realistic, y'know?


why temper his drive and enthusiasm with your version of realism. i'm reminded of the story of abe lincoln. he failed several times on his way to the presidency. but he acheived the hifghest office in the land. anyway, something to thimnk about...

i also mentioned anger management earlier. it can be pretty intense, but it works if he's willing to work on it. i did it years ago (court ordered, i was quite the "fighter" causing me plenty of problems in my mid 20's) 6 of the most productive weeks i've ever had.


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## ViaCi (Nov 12, 2008)

first, thank you for the replies and help.
the whole furniture-throwing thing hasn't happened in a very, very long time. he never hurt our pets in any way.

no, he's not looking at get-rich-quick/mlm type stuff. he wants to be in entertainment (the production side of things). I don't want to squash his dreams, but NOTHING has come through, not even a little. I don't care if he's rich or "important", but he does. He's very, very good with computers and I suggested something in that field as a backup plan. I don't care if were to want to make a bartending career, but HE would be miserable. Plus, it is hard on the body - I've only been serving/bartending about 8 years full time and have all kinds of joint problems - and I'm not even 30! Again, if it were something HE could find satisfactory, and were able to hold a job consistently, then I would be fine. But I don't think he's ever worked in a place that he didn't have some major complaints about. I mean, some places stink to work in, I get that. But nearly ALL???
I do love where I work, it's my family away from family. But I don't like living in this city, and I DO want to move to the city where he is, regardless of whether that's together or not. So he's not forcing me to move when I don't want to. The city I want to move to would actually be a very good place for MY desired career, plus I feel like it's my home in many ways.
I don't want to make this all about anger issues - yes, he obviously has had problems with that that manifest in a variety of ways and levels. But he doesn't do drugs, and drinks but in moderation (same for me). Much of that has improved over the years.
I don't know if all of these things - the anger, the job instability, his deep need to be around "important" (i.e. famous) people in order to feel successful and important himself, the sneaky money incident, etc - have all combined to just make me fall out of love. I don't feel IN love. I care about him and love him, but I'm just ... TIRED. I'm not perfect, far from it. But my foibles have not made him love me less or want to be with me less. He says he loves me more each day, and I just don't feel the same.
I don't want to make a BIG mistake over things that can be fixed (if he's willing to make certain efforts), but the scary thing is that I don't know if that would be enough.:scratchhead:


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

ViaCi said:


> first, thank you for the replies and help.
> the whole furniture-throwing thing hasn't happened in a very, very long time. he never hurt our pets in any way.
> 
> no, he's not looking at get-rich-quick/mlm type stuff. he wants to be in entertainment (the production side of things). I don't want to squash his dreams, but NOTHING has come through, not even a little. I don't care if he's rich or "important", but he does. He's very, very good with computers and I suggested something in that field as a backup plan. I don't care if were to want to make a bartending career, but HE would be miserable. Plus, it is hard on the body - I've only been serving/bartending about 8 years full time and have all kinds of joint problems - and I'm not even 30! Again, if it were something HE could find satisfactory, and were able to hold a job consistently, then I would be fine. But I don't think he's ever worked in a place that he didn't have some major complaints about. I mean, some places stink to work in, I get that. But nearly ALL???
> ...



you seem to have a high level of resentment for his lack of acheivement and his choice of "fantasy gig." i understand that. i was gonna be the most famous radio guy in the world. i missed chicago by one phone call. ended up being the number one guy in my home town. that was big enough for me. but not making it to that level would not have been acceptable to me. it made it hard to be around me, i'm sure. but i got there. my "scheme" took me literally for one end of the country to the other. i was fired at the most inopportune times. very hard on my family. but when we made it, my wife took great satisfaction in OUR acheivements. with made it all more satisfactory for me. i don't know if you can do that now. you've spent all your energy in your "love bank" without having it replenished. read up on the "love bank" concept. there will be some answers there that you could pass along to him.


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## ViaCi (Nov 12, 2008)

voivod said:


> you seem to have a high level of resentment for his lack of acheivement and his choice of "fantasy gig." i understand that. i was gonna be the most famous radio guy in the world. i missed chicago by one phone call. ended up being the number one guy in my home town. that was big enough for me. but not making it to that level would not have been acceptable to me. it made it hard to be around me, i'm sure. but i got there. my "scheme" took me literally for one end of the country to the other. i was fired at the most inopportune times. very hard on my family. but when we made it, my wife took great satisfaction in OUR acheivements. with made it all more satisfactory for me. i don't know if you can do that now. you've spent all your energy in your "love bank" without having it replenished. read up on the "love bank" concept. there will be some answers there that you could pass along to him.


Yes, but you at least reached some level of success in your desired field. Something to keep you going. The problem is, as I'm sure you know, entertainment is an especially fickle business. There's a lot of "almost-there" and then one person or element blows it apart. I understand that. But not ONE THING has come through in some degree of success - business or financial. I don't expect wealth from one project, but something to show that he's making progress the last 3-4 years would be great. I don't know how long I'm supposed to be patient. If he just had a backup plan in place, I would feel lots better. But he doesn't and he won't. As I said, I don't care WHAT he does (you know, legally of course  ) for a living, just that it's something with reasonable stability and enough income to contribute to to our lives and the things WE want to do.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

ViaCi said:


> Yes, but you at least reached some level of success in your desired field. Something to keep you going. The problem is, as I'm sure you know, entertainment is an especially fickle business. There's a lot of "almost-there" and then one person or element blows it apart. I understand that. But not ONE THING has come through in some degree of success - business or financial. I don't expect wealth from one project, but something to show that he's making progress the last 3-4 years would be great. I don't know how long I'm supposed to be patient. If he just had a backup plan in place, I would feel lots better. But he doesn't and he won't. As I said, I don't care WHAT he does (you know, legally of course  ) for a living, just that it's something with reasonable stability and enough income to contribute to to our lives and the things WE want to do.


oh yeah..."almost there" is one phone call away. that's why it takes a special person to do an entertainment industry gig...especially if they're in it to "hit it big"...my "one phone call" was to take me from allentown, PA to chicago. a jump of about 65 markets and a paycheck jump from 35-thousand to 
135K/year. in 1990. good money for then.

as it turns out, my wife got pregnant with our first daughter, which forced us to make a decision: live in pennsylvania on 35K or move back home and carve out a living in a relatively crime-free environment. well, we moved back home and i hit a big paycheck here, almost what i would have made in chicago.

enough of ME...how about joe. pick up a few pamphlets from a trade school, maybe something there would be "glamorous" enough for him to begin putting his efforts toward. and trade schools offer plenty of training in stable careers. because i don't know of a job in ther entertainment industry that is stable. except maybe load in and load out for touring bands. then he'd live like a carnival worker. and that's gotta suck.

if he's "caught the bug" of the entertainment biz, he's always gonna have a part of him that craves it. the thing that cured me is i became a very successful car salesman. funny what money will do to kill "the bug."


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## ViaCi (Nov 12, 2008)

voivod said:


> oh yeah..."almost there" is one phone call away. that's why it takes a special person to do an entertainment industry gig...especially if they're in it to "hit it big"...my "one phone call" was to take me from allentown, PA to chicago. a jump of about 65 markets and a paycheck jump from 35-thousand to
> 135K/year. in 1990. good money for then.
> 
> as it turns out, my wife got pregnant with our first daughter, which forced us to make a decision: live in pennsylvania on 35K or move back home and carve out a living in a relatively crime-free environment. well, we moved back home and i hit a big paycheck here, almost what i would have made in chicago.
> ...


See, you made a choice for the betterment of your family. But you at least had a choice. And you realized that you needed to be pragmatic so you did something else that you are apparently successful with, even if it's not the career you had hoped for (correct me if I've misunderstood you).
The problem is that he DOES have the bug. I know he has a passion for entertainment (movies & TV), and that's fine. But as I said before, I feel he craves the "glitz" of it more than the satisfaction of creating something that entertains people, if that makes sense. His propensity for exaggeration makes me worry if things ever are/have been as "almost there" as it has seemed so many times. I think that his enthusiasm and drive come in many ways from a place of insecurity (self-esteem), so I wonder if he'll ever be happy, no matter how successful. If he were to makes computers an alternate/backup option, I still don't know if he would be happy even if it were the same/similar income. Not because of the job itself, but because where's the glamour and hob-knobbing in computers?
It's not all about the career though; sometimes I think that I was so eager to get married, that when I found someone who wanted to marry ME, I didn't REALLY think about whether I wanted to marry HIM. He's not a bad person. He's actually a very good person and husband in many ways; but even if he were perfect I don't know for certain if that would change how I ultimately feel about him - I'm a bit of a cynic so I don't really believe in soul mates, one true love, etc. I know love changes over time, not better or worse but just different as life moves along. I don't feel IN love still, but it would be easier if he were a total jerk that I didn't care about at all.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

ViaCi said:


> See, you made a choice for the betterment of your family. But you at least had a choice. And you realized that you needed to be pragmatic so you did something else that you are apparently successful with, even if it's not the career you had hoped for (correct me if I've misunderstood you).
> The problem is that he DOES have the bug. I know he has a passion for entertainment (movies & TV), and that's fine. But as I said before, I feel he craves the "glitz" of it more than the satisfaction of creating something that entertains people, if that makes sense. His propensity for exaggeration makes me worry if things ever are/have been as "almost there" as it has seemed so many times.:


there is "almost there" and there is "there." there's a helluva lot more "almost there." you know what "there" is? hollywood, studio city, new york, las vegas. you know what "almost there" is? EVERYWHERE ELSE. EVERYONE is "almost there."

walk down the street. look at everyone who crosses your path. every one of those people can consider themselves "almost there." and that's as close as they are ever gonna get. the numbers don't lie. there's only 4 networks, x amount of film studios, x amount of radio stations employing x amount of morning shows, theres only x amount of touring musicians, and x amount are living out of a van. the reality is, it's a tough f-ing industry. i did radio for 20 years to get my "break." other than that it was the first 25 minutes of howard stern's "private parts" movie. living in another low rent apartment, loading the uhaul to go to the next town, and you could ask my wife about living in a hotel for 9 weeks in a new town while we were relocating once. room service every night, maids cleaning up after us, our laundry done for us by the staff. IT SUCKED!

nice thing about him having "the bug" is that, with the technology available today, he can probably pursue his dream PART TIME. and trust me: as many people get "there" in part time mode. that's the magic of the biz. look at the guy who produced "napolean dynamite." and remember, there's only EVER been ONE napolean dynamite project.

that should be a wake up call for him. but he's addicted to the "biz." been there. 20+ years. 


ViaCi said:


> I think that his enthusiasm and drive come in many ways from a place of insecurity (self-esteem), so I wonder if he'll ever be happy, no matter how successful.


typical of people in the biz, i promise. i've met dozens of "stars" from movies, tv, music, politics; most of em suffer from insecurity. wanna know the most insecure person i've ever met? gene simmons of kiss. true.


ViaCi said:


> it would be easier if he were a total jerk that I didn't care about at all.


and you know what? i wonder every day if my life would have been less complicated right now if i'd have had an affair. because i could BS my way out of that. or i wouldn't care, because i already had a chick "on the side." but that ain't the way life was laid out. i hadta go through what i've gone through (alcohol/drugs/fighting/bankruptcy/love/hate/separation) to get where i am (sober/responsible/dating my wife/rebuilding a broken me) so don't wish any part of your life different.


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## ViaCi (Nov 12, 2008)

i meant almost there more metaphorically. he's in nyc now, so he's in a good city for what he wants to do. I'm hoping that something - anything - comes through in the next few months. Again, I'm not talking about blinding success, just a step forward, something tangible. Not another good meeting or good project, but some result. A signed contract, some kind of income - not more "almost" but with more nothing. 
I don't want to make it all about the professional/career stuff.
Is it really fair for me to expect/need him to change his personality to something I need/want? I think too, that even though I know he loves me, he wishes I was a little bit more of something else; what exactly, I don't know. But I don't want a lifetime of hoping for the other to be more of something else. Maybe we've grown out of each other. It was really good once, in terms of being on the same page emotionally. Now it's a situation of one person being in love with/loving the other more, the balance is off.
And yes, as you pointed out (although I'm correcting the ages): choke at 22, slaps at 26. What happens at 30? And when he slapped me, I think what was more upsetting than the actual shock of the act, was knowing that had he NOT stopped himself, he could have easily beat me black and blue. Not could in the sense of "would have" but he's stronger than I am (though not bigger), and it made me feel utterly powerless. And that's a really, really lousy feeling. I'm pretty tough, but feeling that potential for helplessness, that even if I chose to fight back (physically), he would still be able to do some serious damage if he totally lost control. That incident was late at night in a 24-hour drugstore parking lot; the 2 people working actually came out (after he stopped) and I wonder if there had been no one nearby, would he have stopped? I don't think he would go so far as to cause serious injury, but ... isn't that how those stories begin??? I don't want to make it more than it is, but I can't just totally discount it. 
:scratchhead:


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

and even in nyc, how many people who are there are "almost there?" ALL OF EM! nyc is a media center, if it's gonna happen, it'll happen there. except for the fact that it's full of people wanting to do what he wants to do. i'm not trying to talk down on him. i'm saying he wants what everyone wants.

again, a lot of people in the entertainment industry "grow out" of one another. because in the biz, you HAVE TO GROW or you get eaten alive. and when one is growing, the other sees the growth as intimidating, or they're growing a different direction.

i read your most recent post 6 or 7 times. when i saw the word "slapped" and the parking lot story, i just shook my head. you take asn awful lot of s#!t. hell, the holocost "happened a long time ago" and the germans have "never done it again" (horrbile analogy, sorry) but damn girl, how many times does he HAVE TO slap you. ask yourself this. if a dude slapped him, how long do you think he'd tolerate it?

one last thought. i don't know what he does in the biz, but you want a measure of success? i would have just about ate my left arm just to WORK in nyc. no kidding. that's the top of the top. king of the hill....you know the song. he has succeeded in a lot of people's eyes. he's in NEW YORK! now i know that don't pay the rent, but....


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

It's very telling that you dont miss him. He has abused you and shown a pattern of poor judgement and behavour. 

Your so young and have no kids. There is not a lot holding you from moving on.


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## ViaCi (Nov 12, 2008)

brad said:


> It's very telling that you dont miss him. He has abused you and shown a pattern of poor judgement and behavour.
> 
> Your so young and have no kids. There is not a lot holding you from moving on.


You're right - when I felt I didn't miss him (maybe a little bit, but more out of companionship, which after 6 years it's weird to live alone), I knew something was deeply wrong. I already knew in a way, but that worries me.

Yes, he's shown poor judgement and behavior - so have I. Not in the same ways, but I'm not perfect. I do have a temper but it takes A LOT to push me to the point of rage, and even then I think I'm pretty restrained. Not so much when I was younger, but that's part of growing up. The only time I ever became physically violent when angry was after he and I got together, and only a few times. Not that it makes it ok, but hey, I gotta share the guilt. I flipped over the coffee table once (about 4 1/2 yrs ago), accidentally hit him in the back with a power cord (around the same time) - which I really wasn't trying to do, I was literally lashing out and it hit him, and once we did get in a very nasty fight where we both hit each other (almost 4 years ago) a couple times. Aside from that, I've been pretty mellow.

I just don't want to give up too soon because he's young too (let's face it, 30 is still pretty young), and that doesn't mean change is impossible.

The greater concern for me is that even if I knew for certain he would never hit me again, were professionally successful (in ANY career), and stopped exaggerating everything, I don't know if I would "fall back in love". I just don't know if I've changed so much that we won't ever fit again or if these problems have simply buried something that is still there, recoverable.


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