# Emotional Affair. Tryin to win her back



## tzokat (Dec 19, 2012)

Need help win wife back
Hi. I am a 30 yr. old man that is married to a very beautiful woman.We have been in a relationship for 12 yrs. and currently married for 10 yrs.We have 2 very handsome boys.**

Before we got together, my bestfriend was courting her and I had a girlfriend at the time. One night while they were talking on the phone my friend asked me to talk to her and help him build him up to her. Then unexpectedly he had to go away. So he did and left us talkng. Minutes became hours and we just hit it off. So I was building my friend up but then she told me that she wasnt into my friend*But was really into me instead. Then we ended up together that same night.I explained to my friend, he got mad, he forgave us but me and my bestbud were never the same after. Me and her talk for hours everynight. Always see each other every chance we get. We were very sweet and madly inlove to each other.

* 12 years later, things aren't as the same as before. *But I have grown to love her even more. She has become my life and my world. Her and my kids. We are less sweet and she was less affectionate than me. I'm a very jealous husband through out ourmarriage. And she is getting tired of it. One night she confronted me and accused me of cheating*during one of my visits at my hometown. We both grew up in the same town and have lots of common friends.**of course I didn't do it. *But she kept*digging and asking about it from our hometown friends.**

Things started to change even more. I noticed that she was staying up more late at night and only to wake up very early. She often locks her self in the bathroom for long periods of time. Now even if you were not a jealous husband like I am you would feel that something is definitely wrong with this picture. So one time I decided to catch her in the act. I followed her after she woke up one early morning and listened on the other side of locked bathroom door. She was definitely talking to somebody. So I went and get the key. As I put the key in I made noises. By the time I got inside she already had hid her phone. I asked her who was she talking to. She denied that she was on the phone. I told her I heard her. Then she said * it was her friend Peach who I also know. I didnt believe her and tried looking for her phone but didn't find it. *She got so mad and said I was so paranoid. *She didn't spoke to me for days after that.
** So I gave her the benefit of the doubt. *But her late nights, early morning locked bathroom door went on. She said she dont want me to hear her because I might find out who was spilling the beans about my affair. So I just let her because I had nothing to hide. Then one time while I was driving I playfully grabbed her second phone she uses for international texting. She really got mad and forcefully got the phone from me. *Then I did it again few weeks later and same results. *I confronted her about her over protectiveness on the phone. She replied she was just protecting her "SOURCE" for all my dirt. Again I just let it pass.* 

Then we had another fight which lead to a week of total no conversation. Then I got home one night drunk and decided to walk behind the bathroom where I could see her. Soon as I saw her talking again, I decided that that was it. I went inside quietly and got the key ready and opened the bathroom door. Caught red handed. I forcefully took the phone but not without her yanking the baterry off. So I didn't give in this time unless she let me read all *the text messages. Then she gave up and admitted everything.** 

She said it all really started trying to collect all the information about me from one of my close childhood friend there who i often hang with when im around there.Then she started opening up to him, sharing problems, how her day went, basically getting attached and connected. Then she started flirting with him. At the time he had a girlfriend. Then as their relationship deepen he decided that he love her and proved it to my wife by letting my wife listen to their actual break up. I did the same for her before. It progress to talks about how she planned on leaving me, what and how are they going to tell me about them.
** I was horrified. Shocked. Angered. And in too much agonizing pain while very numb at the same time. The Mayans predicted that "the end of the world" is going to happen exactly on 12/21/12. They were wrong. Because it happen on 12/15/12. For me at least. They were off by a few days. That sobered me up and it took me awhile to absorbed what I just heard.* 

So I asked her if she still loves me. And she said yes. But at that point she loves him more than me. And that she was planning to go there in May to find out if what she is feeling is really true. I*didn't have to asked her if they ever got physical because my friend lives in our hometown *overseas. I had a very long thought of what I should do. *I decided to fight for her love! So right now he has the upperhand on my wife's heart. *But she said she still loves me. *That brought me hope. I requested to have two months with her without communication with him. *At first she was very reluctant to do it. *And boy, *did it hurt to see her cry for him like that. Well a lot of stuff i heard really hurts. Still. Now, I'm a guy who always hated woman who cheated on the movies I watched. I always tell myself , "if I were that guy I would've left that 81tch in a heart beat". *But I love her so much. Guess things really*are very different when this things happen to you in real life.I never thought of me begging for a second chance. But I did. And she agreed.* 

*The main point is I need help. *I need advise on how to do it. *What romantic things I could do to spark up our old flame brighter than what they have. Specially my budget is very limited by my average wage. *Also romantic places to do it here in the Los Angeles area. And i only have 2 months to do it. Thank you for taking the time to read my very long dilemma. *Anything would help*


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## tzokat (Dec 19, 2012)

people told me to move this thread here. planning on doin the 180 after my 2 months if she still feels more for him and if she still plans to go on her trip


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

What about your cheating? Has she dropped that, or does she still believe it?


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## tzokat (Dec 19, 2012)

well, i proved her wrong by contacting the girl she suspected that i cheated with. shouldve done it sooner, but i didnt want the other girl to get offended.


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## tzokat (Dec 19, 2012)

she still kinda think so


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

Do your 180 right now.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

How is she going overseas? Your money?

It would be very unfair fo her to use your family's limited resources to go see a lover. Does she not care about your children?

Tell her if she goes she can't use family money. Her boyfriend can pay for the tickets. Tell her too, thst if she goes you will consider that abandonment. 

Don't let her take the kids. She may not come back.


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## A++ (May 21, 2012)

tzokat said:


> Before we got together, my bestfriend was courting her and I had a girlfriend at the time. One night while they were talking on the phone *my friend asked me to talk to her and help him build him up to her. *Then unexpectedly he had to go away. So he did and left us talkng. Minutes became hours and *we just hit it off.* So I was building my friend up but then she told me that she wasnt into my friend*But was really into me instead. *Then we ended up together that same night.* I explained to my friend, he got mad, he forgave us but me and my best bud were never the same after.


Is this the first time karma kick you in the nuts and make you open your eyes a little wider.. 

Sorry that you are here.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to terminate the affair. First find out everything you can about the OM, have friends back home dig it up, including if he's dating other women. His breakup could be a lie.

Then destroy him. Exposé hs cheating to friends and family.

Oh, take your kids passports so you wife can't take them.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

All her suspicions about you cheating on her is her manipulating you to continue her own affair. She is full of lies. Maybe you cannot see it yet, but she is still lying to you. 

What she did when she was accusing of affairs while she was in her own affair is called projection.



> In a general sense, psychological projection can mean that people assume that other people share their thoughts or beliefs, good or bad. For example, someone who likes dogs might assume that all people like dogs, or an unfaithful spouse might conclude that everyone is unfaithful, since this would reflect his or her own experiences. As a defense mechanism, this allows people to feel more comfortable about themselves because they think they see traits in common with others.


Your wife is not a prize to be won. A person you cannot trust and will betray on you repeatedly shouldn't be so important to your life. Your first instinct to win a cheating spouse back and nice her out of her affair will be detrimental to you and your well being in the long run. And it will also back fire on you because needy men are unattractive.

One more thing. Who is the OM? Where does he live ? have you confronted him ? Do you think they might have got physical.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

tzok. Read some of this thread which is similar to yours and where the poster (StickMan) is having success. StickMan's wife was in EA with old friend as well.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/63187-short-term-text-flirting-12.html#post1299591


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

tzokat said:


> well, i proved her wrong by contacting the girl she suspected that i cheated with. shouldve done it sooner, but i didnt want the other girl to get offended.


Did you cheat? You will get better results here if you tell the truth.

I'm not saying your wife is right, but it sounds like she thinks she is. Did your wife strongly believe you cheated before her affair even started? After 12 years together, was it out of character for her to so strongly suspect you of cheating? Did she have a good reason to suspect it?

Your comment about not wanting to contact the girl your wife thought you cheated with because you "didn't want to offend" the girl to try to put your wife's mind at ease doesn't make sense to me, especially after how you describe how strongly you feel about your wife and how jealous you are. To me, your "didn't want to offend" line smells of cheating.

So, where you stand now: Your wife thinks you had an overseas affair in your hometown, she tried to find the truth by contacting your old friends there, and one of those friends and her fell "in love" after talking so much about your suspected affair. They have not met up since this happened, but she plans to go back to your hometown without you in May, and she has been planning on how to tell you she's leaving you for him at that time. Is this correct?

I would disagree with your planned approach on "winning" your wife back by romancing her. You are her husband of 10 years, now she has found another man and wants you to compete for her. That is not what marriage is about. If she wants suitors to compete for her, she should divorce you and go play the field.

What you need to do is to blow up this affair of hers. I would guess that she really has not ended contact with the other guy. If she did, that might even be worse in this case, because she knows it's for only two months, and every day she crosses a day off on her calendar, "only 58 more days until I talk to my soulmate," "only 57 more days until I talk to my soulmate" ... .

First thing you should would do is see a lawyer to make sure she can't take your kids back home without your permission.

Next, tell her you'll take a polygraph to prove you didn't cheat on her.

Next, tell her that she has to end all contact with other guy and choose you. Tell her you love her and you've got two kids together, you've been through life's ups and downs together, she has nothing with this other guy but a fantasy life with no chores, no dealing with screaming kids, no financial pressures, just "I love you's" and a fantasy of a perfect happy life together. Tell her that she will find herself in the same kind of "routine" with this guy, too. Also let her know you're not letting her take your kids away from you.

Tell her that even though you love her and your family, you are not going to compete with another man as if you are just another suitor vying for her affections. Tell her you are willing to work on the marriage, but only if she drops the other guy.

It seems to be something you guys like to do, so tell her she has to call the other guy in front of you and tell him it's over while you listen in, no more contact forever.

If she wants to visit your old hometown to see her family, you will have to go along.

If she doesn't want you, if after 10 years of marriage and 12 years together she wants this other guy who is just a fantasy, start to detach from her and move on.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I need cultural context. What ethnicity are you and what is your wife?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Print this and show her how he seduced her.

Originally Posted by F-102 
It may have gone something like this:

They first start catching up, and it's all "How you been doing? What have you been up to?"

Then it would have morphed into talk about:

What they've been doing since they parted
Their significant others since they parted
Their families
Their favorite music, movies, etc.
Their spouses
You
Your job
How your job keeps you away
How lonely she gets when you're away
How she looks forward to their conversations all the time now
How she loves talking to him
How she gets "bored" talking to you
How you don't always listen
How you're not "perfect"
How you can be so insensitive sometimes
How she wonders if she would have stayed with him
How he understands her
How he knows how to make her feel good
How you fail at this
How you are such an a**hole
How she feels young again
How she hasn't felt this happy with you in so long
How he's a better man than you'll ever be
How she wants to see him again
How they can meet under the radar
How she's thought of leaving you
How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you
How he's her soul mate
How she made a big mistake leaving him
How she made an even bigger mistake marrying you
How they were meant to be together...

...get the picture? 

She secretly contacted him behind your back - RED FLAG 
She created a secret facebook account to facilitate contact with him behind your back - RED FLAG 
She told him to wait till things settle down and contact her on the secret facebook account - RED FLAG 
She would NOT have stopped contact with him if you hadn't found out about it 
She's playing the privacy card. What she wants is secrecy. There is no secrey in marriage. Privacy is when you go to the bathroom 

And no, it does NOT make anything better just because he's far away. And EA is an EA is an EA. My fWWs EA was online too, and OM is in Canada. Yet I found out in the later stages how she was searching on how to immigrate there and make her escape.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Buy the book and have her read...... Not Just Friends.

U buy the book Married Man Sex Life Primer and read it NOW.

Like others have said, get the childrens passports and put them in a lock box.

Do you have to have a passport to visit the other country?

Repeating but, get all the info on the OM. Especially ig he is dating or is still married. Many men play more than one woman like this.

Do you have relatives where he lives?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to get the books His Needs Her Needs and The Five Love Languages for you both to read Here is a link to the Five Love Languages quiz.

Language Profile | The 5 Love Languages®

Does your wife work? Who's name is the phone bill in? Does she also use email?

Keep checking the phone bill to see if she is still contacting him? Get a VAR and put in the bathroom to see if hse is talking to him from there.

Demand comlplete access to her phones, then expect her to get a burner phone.


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## tzokat (Dec 19, 2012)

Guessed you guys were right. I shouldve done the 180. Maybe. But i know i would regret it for the rest of my life thinking i didnt try to win her back. Sadly, i didnt win her back. Tried everything. tried to stop her from contacting OM but caught her twice on the 2 mos that i requested. did all that i could think of to make her fall inlove with me again but i failed. earlier today i caught her again texting him, so i just had enough and made her choose between us.  sadly she chose the OM. 2nd DDay. Im broken. Miserable. I just wanna slowly drift off from this world. It just hurts so "F"ing much. but im not going to force her to love me again. Its time for me to give up..... 
But i have no regrets coz i know i did everything in my power to win her back. i guess im just not meant to be happy.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Start the 180 atleast now.

Are you planning to kick her out ?


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## tzokat (Dec 19, 2012)

im kicking myself out.


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

Rutabaga.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

tzokat said:


> But i have no regrets coz i know i did everything in my power to win her back. i guess im just not meant to be happy.


You have no idea how much happier you'll be once she's finally gone.

The veil will be lifted and you'll finally see her for what she really was. Once your love starts to fade, you'll start to see all the flaws that you glossed over because of love.

Then one day, you'll sit there and say,

HOW IN THE WORLD DID I EVER LOVE SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON.

I know this because one day, if my wife was smart enough she'll wake up and realize this about me


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

You never had a chance. 

You can't compete with a fantasy. 

Trying too will play her further into the fantasy, and in the end right into her "knight in shining armor"/"soul mates" arms.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Ouch! I still think that you can win her back but... it will take doing very counter intuitive things to do so. First of all, understand your own feelings. What are you feeling? Hurt, because she didn't choose you. Well, screw that man, was your worth ever based on what she felt about you? What you are feeling deep down: Anger, resentment(you were lied to, betrayed and then basically the affair was rubbed in your face the second time) Now let's put that to good use.

-the 180: Up until now, you have been trying to do a "pick me" dance with someone who obviously loved someone else more. I know that now you think it will be counterproductive but do you want to stay in contact and stay emotionally attached to someone who has not only been completely detached from you but lies and betrays you at every step possible. Let her go.

-File for divorce: You aren't married anymore. Make it so that legally there is no binding between the both of you.

-Seeing other people yourself: This is something you should definitely do after filing for divorce and talking to your lawyer. Weneed human contact and intimacy, you cannot starve yourself because guess what your needs will not be met by your wife any more.

-Start exposing: Who's the OM? Married? Does your inlaws and friends know about this situation? You should also tell your kids, if they are old enough. This does two things: 1-It brings the affair from the fantasy world it lives in, and kills its excitement. 2-It denies her the chance to rewrite marital history.

And last but not least... even if she comes back, know that her EA will have turned into a PA after this separation. Will you be willing to take her back? Really think about that. Cause if you jump at reconciliation, even if she's remorseful, somewhere down the line, you will start asking yourself "Was it worth it to take her back?" The answer may shock you.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

tzokat said:


> im kicking myself out.


Wow, don't be an idiot. Don't abandon your marital home without first talking to a lawyer. It can be very detrimental to you in the divorce.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

tzokat said:


> Guessed you guys were right. I shouldve done the 180. Maybe. But i know i would regret it for the rest of my life thinking i didnt try to win her back. Sadly, i didnt win her back.


This is what you and other BSs need to understand; YOU CAN NOT WIN THEM BACK. It’s not a competition, they are addicted to the affair itself and the affair partner is just a focal point of the affair and really not that relevant. Someone at the right place at the right time saying the right things.

Attempting to “win” back someone that cheated on you only makes you look desperate and pathetic to the cheaters eyes. “Too little too late” as they say.


> Tried everything. tried to stop her from contacting OM but caught her twice on the 2 mos that i requested.


Directly trying to make them stop tends to fail since they act like rebellious teenagers. They have to want to stop on their own. They will go against everything you tell them.


> did all that i could think of to make her fall inlove with me again but i failed.


The best way to make them want you again is by walking away and letting them see what they will miss. Everything you did went against the advice you got and backfired which it always does. 


> earlier today i caught her again texting him, so i just had enough and made her choose between us.  sadly she chose the OM. 2nd DDay. Im broken. Miserable. I just wanna slowly drift off from this world. It just hurts so "F"ing much. but im not going to force her to love me again. Its time for me to give up.....


Giving up is the first step for getting what you want. 


> But i have no regrets coz i know i did everything in my power to win her back. i guess im just not meant to be happy.


Now I want to leave you.

Once you get over this (and you will) you’ll find you will regret being the nice guy. The minute you get a new gf you’ll be kicking yourself for wasting so much time trying to save this relationship. 

Also, your happiness should NEVER be tied to a person. That makes you co-dependent and sets you up for failure in relationships. You need to get some self-respect.

I’ve had these same thoughts that you do now at more than one time in my life and I was wrong and so are you. 5 years from now this will be a distant memory and you’ll be happy with someone better. Everything you feel today is temporary and you’ll eventually stop caring. Give it time.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

tzokat said:


> i guess im just not meant to be happy.


You know...self pity like that isn't very attractive at all. Maybe you can't help feeling it, but keep it as an inside voice, not an outside voice.

If you don't respect yourself, how can you insist other people respect you?

So...now you have a lot of free time. Find a different job. Find other activities. 

START NOW! Why the hell are you leaving? You didn't cheat. Plus she has 'HIM' to whisk her off her feet and do naughty things to her.

Well, the problem for HIM is that he wants her like grandparents want grandkids: bring them to your house, spoil her rotten, have a great time with her and after you're done, throw her back out the door to you for the clean up.

So start packing her crap. NOW. Right now. But throw out her sexy underwear. YOU paid for it. She can replace it all.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Good advice about not being a chump with her. Here's a link. This was me. Don't feel bad. We all do it.

The Humiliating Dance of

This is what we appear like when we try and "win" someone back. Be careful what you wish for.


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