# Advice on dating a divorced woman



## Buzzard Toes

Hi all
Almost a year ago i met an amazing woman online. I'll skip all the sappy ramblings about her haha. 
She had been divorced a year or two, due to frequent infidelity and lies on her spouses part, for over a decade. When we first started chatting she was a bit... weird, i thought haha. And seemed to be pushing for things to happen quickly, despite my not being ready, due to a previous breakup. As time went on, and i got to know her more, she mellowed out. I told her i did not want to date her because neither of us were ready.
As i got to know her, and as she mellowed out, i found out that she was actually a great person. She was just acting out, at first, in an attempt to reconcile her divorce in her mind. She was thankful i didn't take advantage and date her, and was glad i took things slow. 
About 6-7 months went by without any 'official' change in our status, though we were basically acting like we were dating at that point. Then i went to visit her. Things went great. We got along amazingly, her kids loved me, and i them. I have been back once since. It's evident she's not like the women i've dated in the past and while we made no official plans, we began talking about marriage. She knows i would not propose if we hadn't been dating at least a year, so it was still unofficial very much.
Jumping ahead to the question. During our, both official and unofficial, parts of our relationship she has broken up a few times. She did a lot of healing by being with me, but also discovered she had more residual effects from her divorce than she realized. The last time she broke up she told me not to contact her anymore. I was 100% certain it wasn't anything against me, just that she felt so conflicted and having trouble trusting me in areas, due to her ex.
I sent her a hand written letter saying i wasn't angry at her, and tried to be encouraging, but not really expecting to hear from her again. She text me the same day she received it and we have been talking. She shared with me her biggest fears (which mostly come down to 'i'm afraid you're going to be like my ex', despite my being nothing like him). 
I know she wants to be with me, she said so, but doesn't want to continue hurting me. I hate seeing her this way. So i was curious if there was anything i could do to help her? Any place i could point her to? 
We are not back together and i told her i was ok with that, because i am just genuinely happy to at least be in contact with her again. And while it's true i would love to become official again, i truly do want to see her heal and find more peace for her own sake. I feel helpless, and i'm a 'fix it' type of guy with people. I know i can't 'fix' her pain, but i want to help somehow. 

Any suggestions as to what i could do, or not do, would be appreciated.
She knows, in her heart, that most of her worries are unfounded, but she can't get her head there. I do everything i can to prove myself to her, and remind her of things i've done that contradict her fears, but that doesn't really help her to heal. 
Ok, i'm shutting up before i ramble a few more paragraphs. Thanks again.


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## Emerging Buddhist

You didn't mention it, but if you are to continue dating in the future, ask her to engage in some individual counseling that will guide her back to the trust she will need for any/all future success in relationships.

Friends have that openness...

Let go and be patient... live life not waiting, but growing in your concentrated strength that you will be a good partner no matter where your path takes you.

Many paths loop around, perhaps so will yours.


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## zookeeper

What you can do is listen to her. She is telling you that she is not ready for a serious relationship. She may never be.

She has trauma that she must address. You can't do anything for her. It's entirely her burden and unless she is motivated entirely from within to heal and overcome, it will not happen. 

Do I read this right? You've only actually met on one occasion? If so, I'd wish her well and move on. You really don't know half as much about her as you think you do.


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## happy as a clam

I would move on. Only one in-person meeting and you're already discussing marriage? Frankly that's a conversation neither of you should be having at this point.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

This is long distance? 

I have no time for unofficial relationships. Spending 6-7 months as "unofficial" would make me feel there wasn't anything there and should move on. Actually 1 month of that and I'm calling it quits. 
1-2 years out of a divorce shouldn't still be an issue at all. She may just need a counsellor to talk to if she's still anxious about it. 

Imo the biggest problem is long distance relationships just don't work for most people. As a temp situation, sure, but not without a solid plan for the future.


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## Buzzard Toes

Sadly she has no time for counseling. Otherwise she would likely be going already. She is up at 5 AM to start getting her kids ready, is out the door by 6. A long drive to/from work and doesn't get home till around 7 PM. Kids bath, bed. Cleaning, laundry, her own bath, an hour of studying (job related). Her ex rarely picks up the kids. And her kids are too young to be left alone, even for an hour.


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## Buzzard Toes

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> This is long distance?
> 
> I have no time for unofficial relationships. Spending 6-7 months as "unofficial" would make me feel there wasn't anything there and should move on. Actually 1 month of that and I'm calling it quits.
> 1-2 years out of a divorce shouldn't still be an issue at all. She may just need a counsellor to talk to if she's still anxious about it.
> 
> Imo the biggest problem is long distance relationships just don't work for most people. As a temp situation, sure, but not without a solid plan for the future.


Well, i have never cared for rushing into things. And the few times i have i've always regret it. So i am fine with going slow. And she was quite unique and i made the choice for it to stay unofficial. 
And from what i have seen and heard 1-2 years is still a legitimate time frame for struggling. Perhaps you had a different experience, but not all people and situations are the same. 
And if you care enough about someone you don't mind waiting. I'd rather go slow and make it count with someone that matters than be impatient and rush around and continue making mistakes by being with people that aren't right.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

I care about myself and I'm not wasting half a year of my life in something unofficial. Someone either wants to be with me or they don't and if they don't I'll move along and find someone who does. 

How ok is she about going so slow? It would make me feel like I couldn't fully trust them and there was no point in continuing. What have the breakups been about?


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## Buzzard Toes

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I care about myself and I'm not wasting half a year of my life in something unofficial. Someone either wants to be with me or they don't and if they don't I'll move along and find someone who does.
> 
> How ok is she about going so slow? It would make me feel like I couldn't fully trust them and there was no point in continuing. What have the breakups been about?


I care about myself too. That's why i go slow. We wanted to be together, but also knew we were not ready. 

As i put in my OP she was grateful i didn't date her right away. The fact that i made her slow down only increased her attraction for me. And, since the point of my post was that she is still struggling with getting past some of the issues, and is no longer able to remain, officially, in a relationship, despite her wanting to. This is the reason for the break ups. She gets so caught up in worries from her former marriage she panics and breaks up. 
She just needs to heal and work past it all. I'm not looking for how others handle their relationships or opinions on my choosing to stick with her and 'wasting my time'. The purpose of my post is to find ways to aid her healing and getting past projecting her ex onto me.


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## Elizabeth001

This is something that she has to do for herself. There isn't anything you can "fix". It is a process that she has to work through and it sounds like she's just not ready. 

The only thing you can do is just be there and listen while she processes without offering advice. She will figure it out but having someone to talk to is very important. 

Be patient 


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## Wolf1974

Sounds to me like you are the rebound guy.

Couple questions

Are you interested in her or saving her
All these breakups were they all by her choosing or were some by you
Do you get the impression that she is purposely keeping you at arms length?

To me it sounds like she wants companionship which is fine but she isn't in a place to be a good partner. She sounds like she is pushing you away for the sins of her x. She will probably be ready one day... we all move on after infidelity but it takes time and it's a long road. She isn't ready yet.


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## Diana7

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> This is long distance?
> 
> I have no time for unofficial relationships. Spending 6-7 months as "unofficial" would make me feel there wasn't anything there and should move on. Actually 1 month of that and I'm calling it quits.
> 1-2 years out of a divorce shouldn't still be an issue at all. She may just need a counsellor to talk to if she's still anxious about it.
> 
> Imo the biggest problem is long distance relationships just don't work for most people. As a temp situation, sure, but not without a solid plan for the future.


IT was 4 years after my marriage ended before I was emotionally ready for another relationship. Most people jump far too soon into a new relationship or marriage after a divorce and it doesn't work as a result.


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## Diana7

Buzzard Toes said:


> Well, i have never cared for rushing into things. And the few times i have i've always regret it. So i am fine with going slow. And she was quite unique and i made the choice for it to stay unofficial.
> And from what i have seen and heard 1-2 years is still a legitimate time frame for struggling. Perhaps you had a different experience, but not all people and situations are the same.
> And if you care enough about someone you don't mind waiting. I'd rather go slow and make it count with someone that matters than be impatient and rush around and continue making mistakes by being with people that aren't right.


It was 4 years for me before I was emotionally ready to even think of another man in my life, so its still fairly early days for her. What concerns me more is that you have only met her once.


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## Diana7

Diana7 said:


> It was 4 years for me before I was emotionally ready to even think of another man in my life, so its still fairly early days for her. What concerns me more is that you have only met her once.


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## SunCMars

Let me cite an analogy. Forgive me if it sounds a little cold.

Let's say you want to buy a car. You cannot afford a new one so you start looking for a nice used one.
You soon find that there are tens of thousands of cars to choose from.

You want a car that looks good. A car that you would not be embarrassed to drive and to show others. 
You want a car that is favorably priced.
You want a car that has a good track record, has good ratings.
You want a car that will go the distance...going slow, going fast, going uphill and downhill.
You want a car that will not give you any problems.

Any car that does not meet these minimum requirements will be a lemon.

This GF is a lemon. Not a bad person, but is not a good long term pick.

Let her go. Find another model. One with no problems.


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## Ynot

Buzzard Toes said:


> I care about myself too. That's why i go slow. We wanted to be together, but also knew we were not ready.
> 
> .


This just really caught my attention ^^^^. Specifically "We wanted to be together, but also knew we were not ready."

"We" is you and she. If you agree with the above, you know that you your self have work to do to be ready and you think she still has work to do and that you know that she thinks you have work to do as well. Regardless of what she thinks about her self, these three issues you have agreed with are the only ones you can control. The common element in each of them is you. Control you and you control these issues.

You need to focus on your self and your happy, because none of your conditions are being met.


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## FrazzledSadHusband

Give her this link, more for her own healing.

https://forgivenwife.com/unbearable-lessons/


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## MrsHolland

It's not clear but do you mean you met her kids on your first meeting with her? If so that is a huge red flag. No emotionally healthy parent would intro their kids to a new date so early on. The words needy and desperate come to mind.


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## Vinnydee

I have had sex with two divorced women. For one it was 8 months after her divorce when she had not had sex for the last 8 months. The other was divorced for a week. The first one screamed so loud that my ears were ringing. The second one gave me an STD that she unknowingly picked up from her ex. Both of them were out for revenge sex which is doing and receiving all the things you did not allow in your married sex life. For both women I was only the second guy they had intercoures with so it was very exciting for them. 

From my personal experiences and those of my divorced friends, it seems that many divorced women are looking for just sex and not a relationship so soon after their divorce. I am sure men do the same.


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## Buzzard Toes

@Elizabeth001 - I am not trying to 'fix' her. All i asked if there there was something i could be doing, or... avoid doing, to help her. 
But she has gained a lot from my advice and insight, even in this situation. It's something many people tell me i'm quite good at, but it's often harder to be so clear when you're the one in the middle. This is why i am asking. Perhaps the latter half of your post has the best advice. 
@Wolf1974 - I am not the rebound. She has had some chances with other men and did not take them. She had no real expectations of dating for a while, so meeting me and feeling how she does was quite a shock to her.
They were her reaction to fears. But i know i can't 'save' her, either. Also i am well aware she's not ready right now, that's kind of the exact thing i said in my OP.
@Ynot - When we first met i was not ready. I am now. Largely due to her. 
@MrsHolland - We knew each other for 7 months before i went to visit her. The place we first began talking is a place where i have been going for years and have a well established reputation as to being a decent man. So my visit was planned out and thought through on her end. Not some random first date with a stranger. So no, neither needy nor desperate.
@Vinnydee - She is not that kind of person. 
@happy as a clam - I never said it was only one meeting. 
@FrazzledSadHusband - Thank you for the link, i will read it after this. And that it is Christian is a bonus, since we are both Christians as well.


I came here asking for advice on how to best help her, instead i got a bunch of people making assumptions about me, her and the entire situation and making suggestions about the entire relationship from the most minor of details, and your off interpretations of them. Not at all helpful. 
I am a 41 year old man and this is not my first relationship. Also i am not the kind of man to ditch someone just because things aren't going easy, be it for me, or them. While i acknowledge that there are times when leaving that person becomes the only viable option, bailing on someone at the first sign of trouble is a behavior i find selfish and weak of character. 
I will continue pushing on with people, even through tough times. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But if my commitment helps that person, in the long run, do better themselves, and feel better, even without me in their life, then i have nothing to regret. That's what real love is. Sacrifice, not selfishness.


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## Ynot

Buzzard Toes said:


> @Elizabeth001 - I am not trying to 'fix' her. All i asked if there there was something i could be doing, or... avoid doing, to help her.
> But she has gained a lot from my advice and insight, even in this situation. It's something many people tell me i'm quite good at, but it's often harder to be so clear when you're the one in the middle. This is why i am asking. Perhaps the latter half of your post has the best advice.
> 
> @Wolf1974 - I am not the rebound. She has had some chances with other men and did not take them. She had no real expectations of dating for a while, so meeting me and feeling how she does was quite a shock to her.
> They were her reaction to fears. But i know i can't 'save' her, either. Also i am well aware she's not ready right now, that's kind of the exact thing i said in my OP.
> 
> @Ynot - When we first met i was not ready. I am now. Largely due to her.
> 
> @MrsHolland - We knew each other for 7 months before i went to visit her. The place we first began talking is a place where i have been going for years and have a well established reputation as to being a decent man. So my visit was planned out and thought through on her end. Not some random first date with a stranger. So no, neither needy nor desperate.
> 
> @Vinnydee - She is not that kind of person.
> 
> @happy as a clam - I never said it was only one meeting.
> 
> @FrazzledSadHusband - Thank you for the link, i will read it after this. And that it is Christian is a bonus, since we are both Christians as well.
> 
> 
> I came here asking for advice on how to best help her, instead i got a bunch of people making assumptions about me, her and the entire situation and making suggestions about the entire relationship from the most minor of details, and your off interpretations of them. Not at all helpful.
> I am a 41 year old man and this is not my first relationship. Also i am not the kind of man to ditch someone just because things aren't going easy, be it for me, or them. While i acknowledge that there are times when leaving that person becomes the only viable option, bailing on someone at the first sign of trouble is a behavior i find selfish and weak of character.
> I will continue pushing on with people, even through tough times. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But if my commitment helps that person, in the long run, do better themselves, and feel better, even without me in their life, then i have nothing to regret. That's what real love is. Sacrifice, not selfishness.


IOW, you don't care what a bunch of other people who have some experience in these matters have to say. I think the thing most of us recognized was all of your red flags that popped up in your posts and replies. But just to clarify your response to me - you weren't ready but you continued to pursue it, but now you are ready because of her yet she has tried to break up with you many times. I think you have a lot of work to do on your self before you even start to think about helping someone else.
BTW love is not sacrifice, love is ultimately all about selfishness. Your idea is probably the root of your issues.


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## Satya

She's not healed yet and she's not ready. 
Move on.


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## JustTheFacts

I think it's great that you want to help her. She is lucky to have a friend like you. From what you have said , you would be happy just to help her for her own sake but your deep desire is for her to heal so that she can be in a relationship with you. 

Time is the only factor here. You can shorten the time it takes for her to heal by being there for her, IC (which you state that she doesn't have any time for), reading books (again, she needs time for this). She sounds heavily damaged and the amount of time needed could be years. Even after sufficient healing , it doesn't seem like she will have much free time to spend with you seeing as how occupied she is with her children and work. 

As a friend, keep up the good work. As far as experiencing a healthy relationship with her goes, depending on the age of her children, you are looking at at an investment of about 7-10 years of your time. During her healing she may change course and find somebody else for romantic involvement as her focus shifts. I say this from 30+ years of being a "fixer" such as yourself. It's your call. Wish you and her the best however it turns out.


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## SunCMars

Buzzard Toes said:


> @Elizabeth001 - I am not trying to 'fix' her. All i asked if there there was something i could be doing, or... avoid doing, to help her.
> But she has gained a lot from my advice and insight, even in this situation. It's something many people tell me i'm quite good at, but it's often harder to be so clear when you're the one in the middle. This is why i am asking. Perhaps the latter half of your post has the best advice.
> 
> I* came here asking for advice on how to best help her, instead i got a bunch of people making assumptions about me, her and the entire situation and making suggestions about the entire relationship from the most minor of details, and your off interpretations of them. Not at all helpful. *
> I am a 41 year old man and this is not my first relationship. Also i am not the kind of man to ditch someone just because things aren't going easy, be it for me, or them. While i acknowledge that there are times when leaving that person becomes the only viable option, bailing on someone at the first sign of trouble is a behavior i find selfish and weak of character.
> I will continue pushing on with people, even through tough times. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But if my commitment helps that person, in the long run, do better themselves, and feel better, even without me in their life, then i have nothing to regret. That's what real love is. Sacrifice, not selfishness.


We are making "meager"suggestions because you provided meager information.

You barely know this women and have latched onto her with a ferocity that baffles the rest of us.

You sound very insecure and needy.

You will go down with the ship of life.....with life presevers within reach.

You have a thing about being a martyr. A knight in shining armor. Why?

Why this women?

You may win this battle that you have endeavered on. Nut, at what cost?


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## Elizabeth001

It's quite irksome when someone asks for advice and then gets their feathers all ruffled if it isn't what they want to hear. 


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## Emerging Buddhist

Keep being patient in this and life... you'll be fine.


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## Wolf1974

Elizabeth001 said:


> It's quite irksome when someone asks for advice and then gets their feathers all ruffled if it isn't what they want to hear.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yep I agree so I'm done with this one.


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## Ynot

Elizabeth001 said:


> It's quite irksome when someone asks for advice and then gets their feathers all ruffled if it isn't what they want to hear.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Apparently he wanted some "attaboys" and a few slaps on the back for being a martyr and stalking a woman from long distance


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## Andy1001

Ynot said:


> Apparently he wanted some "attaboys" and a few slaps on the back for being a martyr and stalking a woman from long distance


Be fair.
In a couple of years she might let him hold her hand.


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## Elizabeth001

Yous guys crack me up!


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## Ynot

Elizabeth001 said:


> Yous guys crack me up!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yous guys? Are you from Joisy?


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## oldshirt

" When a man rescues a damsel in distress, all he has to show for it in the end is a distressed damsel on his hands. "

- Dr Laura Schlesinger


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## Elizabeth001

Ynot said:


> Yous guys? Are you from Joisy?




No but the way they say that always cracks me up too. Hahaa


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## Hope Shimmers

Mr Toes,

I do have to agree that there is not much advice anyone can offer you for how to help this woman. My best suggestion is that she definitely needs counseling to get over her fear/issues, and any support you can provide towards that would probably be the best thing for her. If she needs a babysitter to go, maybe you can help there. Or perhaps suggest that she go on her lunch hour. It has to be a priority.


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