# Is it sustainable?



## Alive Again (Jul 28, 2017)

Before you read: This is not a problem, and I’m not trying to flaunt anything, but it is very foreign to what I have understood to this point in life, so I’m just putting it out for any relevant experience and discussion because I’m curious about how long it can last, and how common it might be (Curious about it from someone who is not trying to sell a magazine article, that is).

<background>
I was married for over 30 years and have three kids with a lady, and I thought we were happy. When she hit menopause, absolutely everything changed in her personality and otherwise. A dedicated mother suddenly had no interest in her kids or grandkids, and none in me. I tried to be patient and let her work through things, but after a little while, she left. A while after she left, she cut off all communication with me, our kids, and one of her two sisters. Her sisters have been overly apologetic to me, but they have no fault that I can see. According to the one sister with whom she still communicates (occasionally - not frequently), she is currently living in a temple in East Asia.

I languished away more than two years of my life after she left. I thought she was probably dealing with severe changes and issues after menopause, and I thought she would eventually come back. I went through depression, but I had really good work and life habits that carried me through that without losing everything, and allowed me to get our youngest through high school graduation and into college. I make a very comfortable living, and even though I had no enthusiasm nor passion during this time, I somehow managed to hang on and continue to make such a comfortable living.

Several months ago, I gave in to the encouragements of my very-worried and loving daughters, and filed for divorce from their mom – concluding she was not coming back. My daughters were encouraging me to date, but with my position in life, I reasoned that the only people that would want me in my situation would be the psycho b**** that nobody else could live with, or someone with psycho kids that I’d have to bail out of jail, or else someone who just wanted a meal ticket without any investment back into me … so I began to resign myself to the thought that I’d be alone long term.

But a friend of our family from many years ago made connection with me when I visited my old hometown. She was divorced. I knew her pretty well from many years ago, and I was comfortable with her stability, and I actually love her kids (all of whom are grown and married now). We really hit it off, and found our personalities to mesh much better than I ever dreamed I could mesh with anybody (including my ex-wife). So after trying to figure out how to date halfway across the country for a while, we decided to turn her business over to her eldest daughter, and she moved out to be with me. Long story short (too late), she has improved everything in my household: I’m neat and clean, but she is immaculate; I could fix meals for myself, although not the most healthy, she if a fantastic cook and likes to cook, etc. etc. etc. 
</background>

So this brings me to the part where I feel like I’m in a dream that just can’t last. In addition to all the other improvements she has made to my life: She is 60 and I’m in my late 50s, but not only does her body look like she’s 35, she has a sex drive that would match mine when I was 35, and is certainly not what I expected I would get. I was expecting a post-menopausal woman to have a declining drive, and that would have been okay with me if I could have had the companionship I was so hungry for, but her “Automatic hand” (as she calls it) takes every opportunity to make sure I remember she is there for me … on a level I would not have believed if someone else gave me this story. She doesn’t keep me from work, but every morning, she makes sure she wakes up in time for some “love time” before I even get up, and in the evening, she will make sure we have good “love time” before bed, and yes, you are reading that right about the frequency. There are times when we are not striving for orgasm, but, as she says, she wants to “be one” and wants “To just make love with no pressure,” and that is defined differently from what it was when I was younger. She loves physical contact, kissing, massage (something I like to do for her) and giving massage, play, etc., and our sessions tend to interleave all of these things, and an evening love session always lasts more than an hour with occasions where it is almost 3 hours. 

Her explanation to me is “We both know what it’s like for things to be bad. From now on, it’s up to us to make our lives happy. I just want to be happy.” (her marriage was sexless for at least the last 10 years, so that is part of the context of what she is telling me.)

So I’m about as happy as I can be with everything, and the bedroom is something far and away beyond any of my dreams. My question is: How normal is it for a lady this far past menopause to have this level of a hunger for sex, love, and togetherness? It’s been several months, and there is no drop-off, and not a single day without a love session. Is it possible this will continue for at least another 20 years like she says? Or am I going to wake up from a dream tomorrow morning? 

It’s certainly different from what I had expected, so what does anybody else know about ladies as they enter their 60s and beyond?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I can't directly answer you, but I'm early 60s and my wife is mid 50s (post-menopausal for a while). We've been together over 17 years, and sex has slowed down a little, but we're still having sex about daily. We both love sex, but it takes some effort from both of us to maintain this frequency - but we are happy we do. So, I can completely understand where she's coming from when she tells you, “We both know what it’s like for things to be bad. From now on, it’s up to us to make our lives happy. I just want to be happy.” Happiness - and having sex - is a choice. It's a little work to remember to do so when hormones don't get you there by default - but so worth it. Enjoy!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Alive Again said:


> Her explanation to me is *“We both know what it’s like for things to be bad.* From now on, it’s up to us to make our lives happy. I just want to be happy.” (her marriage was sexless for at least the last 10 years, so that is part of the context of what she is telling me.)
> 
> It’s certainly different from what I had expected, so what does anybody else know about ladies as they enter their 60s and beyond?


Both of you could be experiencing a rebound and the euphoria could be the result of trying to help each other from pain. Once you each fully heal from your past, the dynamics of the relationship will likely need to somehow evolve so that respect and interest in each other is about making the most of your lives together outside of sex. Make sure you are each compatible in that manner and that you each have have good friendship during the moments that the urges for sex have temporarily subsided. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you two been together?

From my point of view (68 year old woman) she is pretty normal. Consider yourself lucky that you found a good woman and cherish what you have.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I don't have an answer to your questions, but I can say with complete authority, as 53 year old man with a menopausal wife, that I am very envious.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Anything is "sustainable" if both parties are fully committed to sustaining it.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

I'm 56, my wife is 52 and post menopause. Our sex life is better now than it ever has been before, so the fact that she enjoys sex frequently doesn't surprise me at all. Frequency hasn't changed much at all for us, and we're "down" to 6 times a week now after over 20-1/2 years. If anything, I think my wife is hornier now than I can remember her being in the past.

You both know what a marriage is not supposed to be like, the hurt involved, etc. I think you both DESERVE to be happy. Being compatible, not only in the bedroom, but values, goals, being able to compromise, and life views in general is what will make the relationship last. I say just go with the flow, be happy now, and don't overthink it.

I take it this relationship is relatively new. There will be times where things won't be as hunky dory. Times where things are not going so well are the times that define a relationship. Just be happy now!

FWIW, I love to hear success stories! It gets a little depressing when I see what others are going through sometimes.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

"Will our current great sex life eventually end?" is the definition of a pointless question that is better not being asked. Stop borrowing trouble before it arrives. Enjoy the moment. Do everything you can to keep the momentum going. If it stops, deal with that if and when it happens.

You know what is the single most likely cause of your sex life declining? You spending your time worrying about that, monitoring your wife's every move in and out of bed to get an "early warning" of any decline, and then you over-reacting to her actually having a headache. 

Live. Love. Will sex decline eventually? Of course. Eventually we are all dead.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Don't worry about your sex life easing off in the future,enjoy it now while you have it.
You could get hit by a truck tomorrow.


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## Alive Again (Jul 28, 2017)

Holdingontoit said:


> "Will our current great sex life eventually end?" is the definition of a pointless question that is better not being asked. Stop borrowing trouble before it arrives. Enjoy the moment. Do everything you can to keep the momentum going. If it stops, deal with that if and when it happens.
> 
> You know what is the single most likely cause of your sex life declining? You spending your time worrying about that, monitoring your wife's every move in and out of bed to get an "early warning" of any decline, and then you over-reacting to her actually having a headache.
> 
> Live. Love. Will sex decline eventually? Of course. Eventually we are all dead.


Your point is valid, but is not actually why I was asking. I'm not worried about a natural decline, really. I do tend to overthink things as some have encouraged me to not do - that's why I'm good at my job, but it may not be good in other areas.

The reason I was thinking about it is because I thought for so long that the only type of person who would be interested in me was one of the three I mentioned in my post. However, her behavoir completely disarmed my defenses because she's not like I would have thought one of those three to be several months along. However, it was also so different from what I expected of someone our age ... but if I think about it, all I really had to derive my expectations from was a few sterile articles written strictly from a medical and statistical point of view. I could not remember ever hearing it from an actual person one way or the other. I wanted to hear some real people under no pressure tell me what their actual experience is. I want to believe it's real, and I'm not being played. Nobody can really answer that for me definitively, but hearing a few experiences that said "it is possible" gives me a perspective I didn't have before.

That's the line of (over)thinking that made me wonder, and led to the question. As I said in the original post, I'm very happy right now. I suppose I was just looking for something more (more than just what I want to believe) that I'm not just stupidly setting myself up for another heartbreak. Nobody can tell me that, but it was comforting to hear that her behavior is not unheard-of f from loving people in our age group.


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## Alive Again (Jul 28, 2017)

Thank you to those who replied. Hearing your experience is what I was looking for. I'm definitely cherishing her, and the moment. I'm pretty guarded, I know, and I don't really want to be. I don't want my guardedness to cause problems where there is no problem ... and I want to believe there is no problem. It just seemed too good to be true, but hearing that it is certainly not unheard-of is good.

Thank you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

From your post you are very self defeating and down on yourself. Particularly this quote



> I reasoned that the only people that would want me in my situation would be the psycho b**** that nobody else could live with, or someone with psycho kids that I’d have to bail out of jail, or else someone who just wanted a meal ticket without any investment back into me … so I began to resign myself to the thought that I’d be alone long term.



You should work on your self esteem. To me that is something to really be concerned about. Being so down on yourself that you feel you don't deserve to be with a decent person is not healthy and will cause you to make bad choices and not give you the strength and self assurance to be authentic in your relationship. It is also very unattractive. 

Every person deserves a spouse that operates out of sincerity not fear. The other stuff will take care of itself.


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## Alive Again (Jul 28, 2017)

sokillme said:


> From your post you are very self defeating and down on yourself. Particularly this quote
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you for your comment. Depression is a very difficult place to be, and even when recovering, some ugly thoughts hang on for a while. It becomes so strange to combine that with the knowledge that some people may seek just a material benefit. Unfortunately, it's not something a person can just think their way out of. I did get medical treatment, and I'm past the point where meds can help me, and I'm actually to a good point, now, but expressing honestly what I was thinking along that path is going to sound bad.

Still, I do have a bit of an internal struggle wondering if it can be real. Thus my post here.

Thank you

Edit: might it help you make a point about self esteem if your monniker reflected more self esteem? Just a thought when I was reading. I thought it might help.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Alive Again said:


> Thank you for your comment. Depression is a very difficult place to be, and even when recovering, some ugly thoughts hang on for a while. It becomes so strange to combine that with the knowledge that some people may seek just a material benefit. Unfortunately, it's not something a person can just think their way out of. I did get medical treatment, and I'm past the point where meds can help me, and I'm actually to a good point, now, but expressing honestly what I was thinking along that path is going to sound bad.
> 
> Still, I do have a bit of an internal struggle wondering if it can be real. Thus my post here.
> 
> ...


If you are worried about me having low self esteem you don't read here much. That doesn't seem to be the assessment of me by most here quite the opposite it seems. :wink2:

Sokillme is meant in a sarcastic way, such as - you don't like it, so kill me. Not from unworthiness or whatever. 

Anyway have you thought about talking to someone to help you get some perspective. Seems your wife doing you in such a bad way has left some damage to you. It may help you. If you really DO want to be with this women, you should strive to heal and be your best for her right?


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## Alive Again (Jul 28, 2017)

sokillme said:


> If you are worried about me having low self esteem you don't read here much. That doesn't seem to be the assessment of me by most here quite the opposite it seems. :wink2:
> 
> Sokillme is meant in a sarcastic way, such as - you don't like it, so kill me. Not from unworthiness or whatever.
> 
> Anyway have you thought about talking to someone to help you get some perspective. Seems your wife doing you in such a bad way has left some damage to you. It may help you. If you really DO want to be with this women, you should strive to heal and be your best for her right?


You're right. I didn't read that much from the site before posting, so I lacked the context. What I did read struck me that there were many people very down, and that context flavored my perception of your moniker.

You're also right that I need to heal. In that, there is still some thinking I can't avoid.

She has been very therapeutic, and since she just started her evening routine, I suppose I should get off of this site and prepare for such therapy. Thank you (sincerely) for your input.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Alive Again said:


> You're right. I didn't read that much from the site before posting, so I lacked the context. What I did read struck me that there were many people very down, and that context flavored my perception of your moniker.
> 
> You're also right that I need to heal. In that, there is still some thinking I can't avoid.
> 
> She has been very therapeutic, and since she just started her evening routine, I suppose I should get off of this site and prepare for such therapy. Thank you (sincerely) for your input.


You don't have to leave the site. I think reading and posting may actually be healthy for you. It will at least take some of the shame that I sense you may feel from what happened. Maybe I am wrong though, it's hard to tell from a board post how you really feel. Anyway most of us here are pretty down on people who treat their spouses like your wife did to you. I think that you will find most of us really don't think it has anything to do with you or your worthiness. Quite the opposite actually. Being around more people that think like us may help take some of the sting out of it. She is the one who deserves less not you. You were the catch. I suspect someone who could do what your wife did didn't just change overnight. Because of that I also suspect that there has been a pattern of poor treatment and this HISTORY contributed to your poor assessment of your desirability. Again this insecurity is understandable under the horrific circumstances. 

I would also like to caution you. It is great that you get satisfaction and to some extent fulfillment from this new relationship, as you should. However it's really not a good idea to turn your mate into your therapist. It's not a good power dynamic for a relationship. It is WAY too much responsibly and she isn't trained and probably won't really be suited for it long term. Therapy is different then advice. It's the difference between "I am feeling down today" and "I am feeling down on myself period". I would say the latter is something you don't want to continually discuss with your spouse. It's much better to go to someone who has training. Your relationship with her should be more equitable don't you think? 

Finally I don't want you to think I am telling you you have a lot of issues or are not ready to be with this women. That is NOT at all what I am saying. I may be making this seem like a way bigger problem then it really is as well. But even if self esteem is a small problem, the thing is, it seems like you like this women. You are posting about wanting it to last. I think your best bet to make that happen is if you deal with some of the damage that happened from your poor treatment at the hands of your ex wife. To me that is the best way to assure success. If not seeing someone maybe reading some books about the aftermath of what happened. Maybe someone here could recommend one.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

When you have it good, don't question it. 

Just enjoy each other. She has the same mentality I do with my husband. I just want to stay close and bonded with him, and sex is the best way I know how.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Satya said:


> When you have it good, don't question it.
> 
> Just enjoy each other. She has the same mentality I do with my husband. I just want to stay close and bonded with him, and sex is the best way I know how.


This. In spades.

OP, have you ever read Awareness by Anthony Demello? You can likely get it used on eBay for $3.

Read it. It will do you a tremendous amount of good.


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## Alive Again (Jul 28, 2017)

sokillme said:


> You don't have to leave the site. I think reading and posting may actually be healthy for you. It will at least take some of the shame that I sense you may feel from what happened. Maybe I am wrong though, it's hard to tell from a board post how you really feel. Anyway most of us here are pretty down on people who treat their spouses like your wife did to you. I think that you will find most of us really don't think it has anything to do with you or your worthiness. Quite the opposite actually. Being around more people that think like us may help take some of the sting out of it. She is the one who deserves less not you. You were the catch. I suspect someone who could do what your wife did didn't just change overnight. Because of that I also suspect that there has been a pattern of poor treatment and this HISTORY contributed to your poor assessment of your desirability. Again this insecurity is understandable under the horrific circumstances.
> 
> I would also like to caution you. It is great that you get satisfaction and to some extent fulfillment from this new relationship, as you should. However it's really not a good idea to turn your mate into your therapist. It's not a good power dynamic for a relationship. It is WAY too much responsibly and she isn't trained and probably won't really be suited for it long term. Therapy is different then advice. It's the difference between "I am feeling down today" and "I am feeling down on myself period". I would say the latter is something you don't want to continually discuss with your spouse. It's much better to go to someone who has training. Your relationship with her should be more equitable don't you think?
> 
> Finally I don't want you to think I am telling you you have a lot of issues or are not ready to be with this women. That is NOT at all what I am saying. I may be making this seem like a way bigger problem then it really is as well. But even if self esteem is a small problem, the thing is, it seems like you like this women. You are posting about wanting it to last. I think your best bet to make that happen is if you deal with some of the damage that happened from your poor treatment at the hands of your ex wife. To me that is the best way to assure success. If not seeing someone maybe reading some books about the aftermath of what happened. Maybe someone here could recommend one.


Thank you. I understand what you're saying. Hopefully, my voice in the text came across as respectful - that was my intent.

You didn't run me off the site. I just meant it was time for me to spend the evening with my lady, and that is the case now, too. I don't mean the therapy literally, just that it has been a big part of feeling good again.

Thank you again.


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