# How are feeling since you learned of W/H infidelity?



## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

We got into it again yesterday about what he did to me and he kept saying "It was last year. I am here now. I am happy now. That should count for something." 

He thinks because months have passed and he has been "good" that I shouldn't be holding onto the pain anymore. That details of what happened shouldn't make me cry. He isn't doing all those horrible things now, I should be happy. 

I tried to tell him there is no expiration on a betrayed spouse's pain...it is always there and always present. 

I want him to read this thread and really see what it is to be the betrayed, how what I am feeling is perfectly normal considering what he has put me through. 

How long has it been since your learned of your W/H/Fiance/Boyfriend/Girlfriends infidelity and how are you feeling now? What is the status of your relationship with the wayward? And what advice would you give a person that has cheated and just doesn't want to see the extent of the pain he has caused?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I learned about my fiance's EA in stages.

OTOneH, you could say that I was just part of a normal multidating situation. But then, he insists that since he met me they were always "just friends."

After some digging, I saw signs that would suggest that they were not "just friends." 

While my fiance maintains that explanation, he has done a lot to make amends.

But still it seems as if whenever I have a melt down, new information comes out.

Just last month, he admitted that he never intended for the two of us to meet. So much for being friends, ah, but of course, they were "JUST friends."

And I definitely had a meltdown the week before his birthday. That's because when I first met him, he mentioned his b-day several times. I was interested so I made a big effort, fixed him dinner, bought the exact that he wanted, spent the night but no sex (even though we had done it before)

In one of our discussions 8 months later, I learn that
1) He had completely forgotten the entire evening
2) He defended his "friendship" with his EA by claiming that she had put out a lot of effort for his b-day. Little did he know that I had by then a private message string that pretty much showed that while b-day was nowhere on HER mind, making dinner reservations to see her was definitely on HIS mind.

We had this discussion by e-mail so I still have the e-mail where he says that though he made dinner reservations and though there was no discussion of his b-day in that message, she did surprise him by offering to pay for dinner (due to his b-day) and she gave him a card. (now that's in writing) Months I later, I asked to see this b-day card and he said she never gave him one. What a setback that was.

I just want to let you men know, this is a serious nightmare for us women.

To put out
1) effort
2) money
3) enthusiasm

for a guy's b-day. Even the spend the night and be denied sex......

only to find out later that he has NO recollection of the evening and wants to tell you that

when HE makes dinner reservations to see another woman; no discussion of his b-day, therefore, he goes prepared to pay for the date himself; (btw, while he says she paid for dinner, there is nothing that confirms that); claims in a fit of bravado that yes, she brought a b-day card for him...........

and all that TRUMPS what you I for him........

I am seriously questioning if I can ever do anything for his b-day again.........


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

There is a well known statistic somewhere that some researchers came up with after studying betrayed spouses and I don't know the exact time frame they found to be average but it's about 18 months for the BS to even begin to feel better. Someone will probably pop up and tell you the exact time frame. Show that to him when you get your hands on it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It takes 2-5 years on AVERAGE to feel better - really better. And every D day resets the time to zero.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

it has been over 2 years since I found out.I still have moments where I'll feel like I've been gutted and hung out to dry.It passes and I realize how lucky I am to live the life I currently have.
It wasn't even the infidelity that broke the marriage.It was knowing he could do something like that while I was turning myself inside out to make him happy giving up dreams I had and goals I set for myself before even meeting him.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> How long has it been since your learned of your W/H/Fiance/Boyfriend/Girlfriends infidelity and how are you feeling now? What is the status of your relationship with the wayward? And what advice would you give a person that has cheated and just doesn't want to see the extent of the pain he has caused?


I learned about the EA/PA in stages. I learned about the EA about 4 months ago, I learned about the PA about 3 weeks ago.

It's a daily struggle. My wounds are a little more fresh, but my mood fluctuates throughout the day, by the hour. I can forget about it for a bit and be fine, but then a trigger from a song/text/thought can instantly send me back to a worse place.
I've moved out, I can't imagine the difficulty of seeing the person daily that betrayed you, It's awesome that you are reconciling, but that person has to understand that even just seeing them can trigger a reaction. He should just be happy that he has a wife that is willing to reconcile, but should also understand there is no timetable for the BS recovery. That was one of my decisions to leave throughout the EA discovery and the recent PA discovery my STBXW just wanted to move on and she knew that she'd never see him again and why did we have to keep rehashing it. 

Until you heal it is your right to rehash it/be emotional about it until you get the closure and the hurt goes away as much as it can, because itll never disappear. These actions changed the marriage and it'll now forever be part of the relationship. 

A way I kind of look at it is. I go into a bank. I steal all the money. I spend all the money. I get caught years later and then tell the police "oh well i was good before I robbed the bank, and I robbed that bank over a year ago, why are you punishing me?"
While I may never rob a bank again, I will ALWAYS be a bank robber. Hopefully that makes some sense, it makes sense to me.

EDIT: On a positive note though, I do wish you both the best in the recovery and reconciliation.


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## Feeling_bad (Aug 18, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> I want him to read this thread and really see what it is to be the betrayed, how what I am feeling is perfectly normal considering what he has put me through.


My wound is very new, just happening this past Friday night. I have posted about it, see Bad Night thread. I've wondered whether I should let my wife read my thread so she can see what she's put me through, and what others think of her actions. However, although I'm somewhat confident Friday night was a once ever cheating event, others in the thread have given good tips on how to research her past and track her future. I don't want her to see those tips as it would make her smarter in how to cover her tracks. What do you think?


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

Such cruelty is hard to read about... I can't imagine
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

I discovered my wifes EA 2 years ago and discovered it was PA about 18 months ago. She moved out 1 year ago and our divorce should be final any day now.

I'm doing better now but still trigger from time to time. Due to kids, I have to talk to her from time to time which only makes matters worse. Not doing good this week knowing the divorce will be final. I'm happy that it will be but it's still sad.

I can't imagine getting over this in less than 2 years and that would be with a very remorseful spouse doing all the lifting. Anything less than maximum effort and it would all go down the tubes.


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

It's 11 months since D-day and I'm not any closer to R than I was when I first found out. This has to do with my H not taking on the heavy lifing to R. He still wants privacy (facebook, work email, voip calling account). It's like we are co-existing in the same house. Yes, we have had some laughs and good times since D-Day, but the lack of transparancy always sets me back on the emotional rollercoaster. So as of last week after a big argument, I packed up his stuff, put it in the garage, and changed the locks. He moved to a hotel that rents by the week. 

I have some regrets about doing this. I told him he could move back home until he can find an apartment, but he needs to stay in another bedroom. We have 4 small children and it has been very hard on them. I have an appointment with a lawyer on Aug. 31st and we will go from there. 

You can not fix your marriage on your own. If your H is not willing to do the heavy lifting to repair the broken trust, you will never be able to move forward. I suggest you see a lawyer if your getting "It's been a year. Get over it." line of crap.


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## NornIron7 (Jul 5, 2012)

Its about a year since I found out, and less than that since most of the C**p was dealt with. My problem as I couldn't/wouldn't confront the damn thing head on. 
I'm a lot better these days but recently some new stuff came out that has completely thrown me and a lot of the old anxieties etc are back.
Nevertheless I'm better than I was three months ago which is better than six months ago etc. Reckon it'll take as long as it takes.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm feeling good, we are both at a good place in our life...I can't say that 2-1/2 years ago but its all good now.

It was just last week we were sitting around the pool, talking about her past when she was in the middle of a 13 year long road to self distruction. Talks don't happen alot but it does happen. This time the convo was about one of her longer affairs out of the 20 OM she's had.

On a rare occasion we will talk about the ONS's but those are hard for her to talk about and they are very short talks...I guess by definition its supposed to be short.

When it comes to details we can both laugh about it now, some guys were big, some guys were small, some guys did this, and some guys did that. what worked for her and what didin't.

My fWW has some scary stories and she has some funny stories, but for the most part I will get "thank you for keeping me and I'm sorry" this random statement will just come out and it happens often for no appearent reason, IDK what triggers it ( maybe when she's tempted..LOL) but it does happen often.

I guess since its only been a year then the both of you still need to explore and learn and find a common ground you both can move onto. I have to say a year in I was still snooping and confirming my fWW commitment. Even before that we argued about our old marriage, I think we both just reached a point that the old marriage was just that an old marriage, and it was time to work on a new marriage.

Back in the day early on....maybe a few months after I confronted my fWW I was bretty pissed off but I have to say my fWW took everything I throw at her. I think back then and as time went on she has learned that it will never go away for me......another consequences she has choose to except.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I can't even imagine "the guy"s situation above. Good luck to you brother.

I am 15 months past DDay. But like some others, my W is hell bent on not being "spied on" because this is how I found out about her EA. She was transparent for about 10 months on all her accounts and they were all clean. But because she had been "good" she felt she had earned the right to privacy again. Since that time, I have not been doing as well.

The other major barrier is that she and her OM were very, very close friends for a long, long time. He will always be somewhere in her heart, even if not romantically. 

I am kind of in a rough spot right now. My emotions go from great for 2-3 months, to horrible for awhile, and then back. It's a cruel roller coaster. While I believe we've come a long way, I know she's come further along that I have. I am a yo-yo on sitting at the bottom at the moment. But I know it will come back up again.

I have thought about this a lot lately, how much longer I can endure my emotions on this. I can't afford counseling as my insurance doesn't cover it. One of these days I might just burst, say "F*ck it all!", and shock my W who has no idea what I am still going through. She thinks enough time has past that I should be a lot better by now.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

As a WS sometimes it's hard to know what to say to make the BS feel better. Yes I do know the pain he has. I totally understand him asking how could you do this to me. I'd like to see more responses on this thread, I'm still learning how to comfort him, it hurts when he hurts and it's all my fault and I wish I could magically fix it. We are 6mo in R.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm about a year past our last D-Day. My husband is another one who can't believe I'm still unwilling to let it go after a whole year of him being good. As if the three years of his affair, and 8 months of trickle-truth, broken NC and lying that came before ought to just have vanished from my mind. Of course, to my H "being good" just means he isn't currently engaged in an affair. He's been depressingly lacking in effort toward a true R, despite my deadline for seeing real and meaningful change fast approaching. 

How do I feel? Like a pathetic fool who spent her entire adult life forgiving things that shouldn't have been forgiven and loving a man who wasn't worth it in the end. Mostly, I'm just very, very tired. And a bit sad to think I married a man who likes me better as a weak, too-trusting, doormat.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Rowan said:


> I'm about a year past our last D-Day. My husband is another one who can't believe I'm still unwilling to let it go after a whole year of him being good. As if the three years of his affair, and 8 months of trickle-truth, broken NC and lying that came before ought to just have vanished from my mind. Of course, to my H "being good" just means he isn't currently engaged in an affair. He's been depressingly lacking in effort toward a true R, despite my deadline for seeing real and meaningful change fast approaching.
> 
> How do I feel? Like a pathetic fool who spent her entire adult life forgiving things that shouldn't have been forgiven and loving a man who wasn't worth it in the end. Mostly, I'm just very, very tired. And a bit sad to think I married a man who likes me better as a weak, too-trusting, doormat.


Wow, that's a lot to get over in a year. Yeah, I can imagine it taking way longer, if you ever could recover at all. It sounds like you've made some good recent judgments of yourself, however.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

on Sept 21 I caught my guy trying to hook up with a bartender. In asking him to please choose me the next 
time he is tempted, he decided it was time to tell me that he actually did sleep with someone else 2 1/2 months prior. I was 3 months pregnant at the time he did this. We had only been engaged for a week when he tried to cheat again. To say he turned my world upside down on Sept 21st would be an understatement. I pushed through it and tried to forgive him, but for all of Oct and Nov he kept trying to get *****s from craigslist. He has not attempted to cheat since November 27, 2011. Life for me since has been just okay in 
regards to our relationship. 

I'm starting to trust his actions again. I'm having trouble trusting his emotions and words though.
I'm afraid he doesn't mean it when he tells me he loves me. I don't believe him when he says he is happy. I don't know that I'm the one he is thinking of when he is actually being intimate with me. I don't know if he thinks I'm beautiful after being with this other woman. He told her she was beautiful...I'm not sure why, but it kills me that he told her that. 

I need him to tell me he would take it back if he could. I want to hear him say he is ashamed of himself. 
I'm in mourning for the wonderful relationship I thought we had.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

My D-Day is very fresh (August 17). I am absolutely a wreck. He is in denial and lacking in remorse and thinks that offering me help (rides and money) is somehow making things better for me/giving him character points. I hate his help but need it. I wouldn't have put myself in a situation to need this kind of help - he put me there and the fact that he has to be the one to help me makes it feel even worse.

I know logically that there is light at the end of this and more life to live but right now I can't see it from an emotional perspective. Even though I know it's not hopeless and life goes on, it just doesn't feel like it right now so I'm a mess.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> on Sept 21 I caught my guy trying to hook up with a bartender. In asking him to please choose me the next
> time he is tempted, he decided it was time to tell me that he actually did sleep with someone else 2 1/2 months prior. I was 3 months pregnant at the time he did this. We had only been engaged for a week when he tried to cheat again. To say he turned my world upside down on Sept 21st would be an understatement. I pushed through it and tried to forgive him, but for all of Oct and Nov he kept trying to get *****s from craigslist. He has not attempted to cheat since November 27, 2011. Life for me since has been just okay in
> regards to our relationship.
> 
> ...


I understand your struggle with the words that were said to the AP. My STBXW used words she used with me prior with him. Until I discovered the EA/PA those words held value with me. Since I walked out she has undoubtedly been trying to talk me back into the marriage using words that she so easily used on him. It just takes those words and makes them lose all sorts of validity and meaning. Which sucks. 

If those are the words you need to hear those are words that need to be solicited by him without pressure otherwise their genuineness is completely in doubt.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Miss Taken said:


> My D-Day is very fresh (August 17). I am absolutely a wreck. He is in denial and lacking in remorse and thinks that offering me help (rides and money) is somehow making things better for me/giving him character points. I hate his help but need it. I wouldn't have put myself in a situation to need this kind of help - he put me there and the fact that he has to be the one to help me makes it feel even worse.
> 
> I know logically that there is light at the end of this and more life to live but right now I can't see it from an emotional perspective. Even though I know it's not hopeless and life goes on, it just doesn't feel like it right now so I'm a mess.


I'm only a little further in the recovery department, but just keep doing whats best for you. Slowly, very slowly it gets better, but be ok with embracing your feelings/embracing the roller coaster. It is the only way to move forward with whatever you choose, don't bury the emotions and become bitter and jaded. There is more life to live, a lot more, and you don't want to live like that


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Miss Taken said:


> My D-Day is very fresh (August 17). I am absolutely a wreck. He is in denial and lacking in remorse and thinks that offering me help (rides and money) is somehow making things better for me/giving him character points. I hate his help but need it. I wouldn't have put myself in a situation to need this kind of help - he put me there and the fact that he has to be the one to help me makes it feel even worse.
> 
> I know logically that there is light at the end of this and more life to live but right now I can't see it from an emotional perspective. Even though I know it's not hopeless and life goes on, it just doesn't feel like it right now so I'm a mess.


You just found out a few days ago so of course you are feeling the way you are.. as time goes by depending on if he's really seriously remorseful you will have some better days yet the horrible thoughts will keep coming back. It's not easy, I know that from how my husband can seem fine one day then a wreck the next. I'm really sorry. Nobody deserves this hell. I just wish I would have thought of all the pain I've caused my husband and children before I did this to them. Please get counseling asap and take care of yourself. Tell him how much he hurt you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

It seems since I posted here no one has posted since. I apologize if I a WS chimed in where maybe I don't belong. Please carry on and I won't bother you all anymore..sorry
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

CantSitStill said:


> It seems since I posted here no one has posted since. I apologize if I a WS chimed in where maybe I don't belong. Please carry on and I won't bother you all anymore..sorry
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're overthinking CSS. Don't worry about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

I have just had my second DDay, 12 years after the first & greatly unexpected. I will take as long to recover as I need. After all, WH put me in the position of needing to heal, he can now deal with the results of his actions.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

CantSitStill said:


> It seems since I posted here no one has posted since. I apologize if I a WS chimed in where maybe I don't belong. Please carry on and I won't bother you all anymore..sorry
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not at all CSS...your view point is beyond helpful.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

I don't think I want to be with someone that will cause me to trigger 30 years from now. I don't want a life that has this horrible time in it. 

At the same time, I don't want to keep hitting him over head with my pain. I want to give him a chance to make it right, but I also don't want to live with this anymore. 

I want to be with the man I fell in love with. This isn't him. That man disappeared a over a year ago.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

lisab0105 said:


> I don't think I want to be with someone that will cause me to trigger 30 years from now. I don't want a life that has this horrible time in it.
> 
> At the same time, I don't want to keep hitting him over head with my pain. I want to give him a chance to make it right, but I also don't want to live with this anymore.
> 
> I want to be with the man I fell in love with. This isn't him. That man disappeared a over a year ago.


And that, right there, really is the rub. It would be great if we could see into the future and know when the pain will subside. And everyone recovers differently.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> I don't think I want to be with someone that will cause me to trigger 30 years from now. I don't want a life that has this horrible time in it.
> 
> At the same time, I don't want to keep hitting him over head with my pain. I want to give him a chance to make it right, but I also don't want to live with this anymore.
> 
> I want to be with the man I fell in love with. This isn't him. That man disappeared a over a year ago.


I can relate to your feelings above.

As for how I'm feeling since my D-day, in a nutshell I'm 11 months post D-day. My H is very remorseful. We have full transparency. No further D-days. The A was over before D-day. He ended it because he wanted the M. She went bunny boiler and threatened to expose. He got himself into counselling and was working up the nerve to confess when she pushed him into doing it sooner than he expected.

Recently, my H told me he owed it to me to help me recover and that he understands it could take years but he's not giving up. There have been bumps along the way though because admittedly I'm not fully committed and he said that makes him very insecure. He suggested leaving for my benefit about a month ago but then took that off the table and said it's not going to happen because it's not what he truly wants. I vacillate between R and D because I think perhaps a PA is my dealbreaker and I'm just not someone who can forgive a PA. But I still love him and he's still trying.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> I don't think I want to be with someone that will cause me to trigger 30 years from now. I don't want a life that has this horrible time in it.
> 
> At the same time, I don't want to keep hitting him over head with my pain. I want to give him a chance to make it right, but I also don't want to live with this anymore.
> 
> I want to be with the man I fell in love with. This isn't him. That man disappeared a over a year ago.


I'm so sorry to hear this! 
Although I haven't been in your situation yet, you describe it in a way that it reaches out to my heart.
Maybe he was never the person you fell in love with. I mean, you maybe fell in love with the image of him in your head but not with him for who he really is.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

My husband never got to be unfaithful, but he wanted to. He dragged out a fruitless business relationship in hopes of a little something something and she never gave him a chance because silly her, she thought it was actual business.

In any case, I kinda had sort of a 2nd D Day yesterday when he blurted out in his delirium (he's sick with the flu or something) "don't you think if she wanted me she coulda had me?!" Then his face went paler than it already was and he had realized that his scumbag mouth blurted out what his brain tried to hide...probably even from himself.

Needless to say I looked in the mirror this morning and the heartbreak has seemed to age me 10 years in 3 weeks.

Someone tell me that there is more to life? Someone tell me that there are more important things than an idiot spouse? God someone somewhere tell me..


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Lisa you wrote your WH said:



> I am happy now. That should count for something.


Hey, it's all about his happiness, right? <Wishing right now there was a vomit emoticon>

There is so much that is effed up about this, I'm not sure where to begin. 

Let's look at the assumption there. HIS happiness. It's a threat. If he doesn't feel "happy", then he will cheat again. As long as he feels Happy, then you are permitted to feel secure. You just asked him for reassurance, for comfort -- and he replied about the state of HIS happiness.

That speaks volumes.

I call this dynamic The Humiliating Dance of Pick Me!
The Humiliating Dance of

He cheated on you while pregnant, then he showed his remorse by trolling Craigslist ads. And you don't think he has cheated again because??? He claims to be happy?

I don't blame you one bit for feeling upset and unsettled and not comforted by this. 

You want him to be the guy you thought he was? Well, Lisa, he's not that guy. He's the guy who cheats on a pregnant woman. And then feels so very sorry about that, he looks to screw around on her again. That is HIM. IMO that's the real him. The fake him is the charming guy who hooked you in the first place.

When people show you who they are, believe them. 

If your WH was truly remorseful (and I almost hesitate to post it because it gives him a script by which to further manipulate you), he wouldn't tell you to get over it. He wouldn't make it All About Him and His Happiness. Your pain would HURT him. He'd be proactive and do the work and the therapy and the counseling and read the books and BE HUMBLE. Humble, sorry, and grateful you didn't leave his ass and slap him with child support. 

I'm not seeing that. 

Oh, hang on the original question, was how am I feeling since discovery of infidelity. 

I discovered November 29, 2006. It was a freaking nightmare. 

How do I feel now? GREAT. I divorced that guy and remarried a wonderful man two years ago. 

There's a good life on the other side. Just something to consider. (And I was a single mom, too.)


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

lisab0105 said:


> on Sept 21 I caught my guy trying to hook up with a bartender. In asking him to please choose me the next
> time he is tempted, he decided it was time to tell me that he actually did sleep with someone else 2 1/2 months prior. I was 3 months pregnant at the time he did this. We had only been engaged for a week when he tried to cheat again. To say he turned my world upside down on Sept 21st would be an understatement. I pushed through it and tried to forgive him, but for all of Oct and Nov he kept trying to get *****s from craigslist. He has not attempted to cheat since November 27, 2011. Life for me since has been just okay in
> regards to our relationship.
> 
> ...


Lisa, just because he has stopped cheating (if he has stopped) doesn't mean that he gets to start from square one. You will heal, when you heal, and not on his timetable. From your other posts, I don't see that he has made much effort in repairing the damage he caused. Until he is fully remorseful this isn't going to get any better. If I were you , I would walk, because being with him, now is only causing you even more pain. You need to put yourself first.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

More than 2 years out from D-Day. Triggers come once in a while still. I'm no longer angry or hurt, but I'm definitely not happy either. Just feel kind of blah.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

chumplady said:


> Lisa you wrote your WH said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


he was literally a phone call away from becoming not just a cheater....but a serial cheater. Makes me wonder if he actually believed that is the way I deserved to be treated??? 

I'm really happy for you that you were able to move on to something better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

hotdogs said:


> My husband never got to be unfaithful, but he wanted to. He dragged out a fruitless business relationship in hopes of a little something something and she never gave him a chance because silly her, she thought it was actual business.
> 
> In any case, I kinda had sort of a 2nd D Day yesterday when he blurted out in his delirium (he's sick with the flu or something) "don't you think if she wanted me she coulda had me?!" Then his face went paler than it already was and he had realized that his scumbag mouth blurted out what his brain tried to hide...probably even from himself.
> 
> ...


( I am sorry hotdogs...what a horrible feeling that must be.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> More than 2 years out from D-Day. Triggers come once in a while still. I'm no longer angry or hurt, but I'm definitely not happy either. Just feel kind of blah.


Being blah about my relationship scares me more than scared and paranoid.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Badblood said:


> Lisa, just because he has stopped cheating (if he has stopped) doesn't mean that he gets to start from square one. You will heal, when you heal, and not on his timetable. From your other posts, I don't see that he has made much effort in repairing the damage he caused. Until he is fully remorseful this isn't going to get any better. If I were you , I would walk, because being with him, now is only causing you even more pain. You need to put yourself first.


To say I have done all the heavy lifting in fixing this relationship would be an understatement. To him, since he isn't sticking his d**k into someone else, he is doing his part. He really thinks that is all there is to fixing what he has broken. 

I have tried to make him see I need more from him, but without spelling it out and it being disingenuous, I don't know what more I can do. Well, that is not true. I have 2 options...stay or go. Both scare the s**t out of me.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What is with all these waywards that think that just cuz there not having intercourse or no longer contact the AP that its all good.

man, it just doesn't work that way!


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Been about 3 years now, not together any more and don't really think about it tbh. In fact, I feel of sense of relief that I was able to get away from her princess syndrome and stuck up mother.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> .........
> 
> How long has it been since your learned of your W/H/Fiance/Boyfriend/Girlfriends infidelity and how are you feeling now? What is the status of your relationship with the wayward? And what advice would you give a person that has cheated and just doesn't want to see the extent of the pain he has caused?


Ours was end April

She's a serial cheat of 6 yrs or so (11 yrs married 15 yrs together)
We are separated and stb divorced.

I'm feeling more angry now than ever before in my life.

She wants to be friends and "celebrate the great things we had"

My rage has grown since I've had a lot of time to reflect on exactly how our marriage was. Being 'in love' through it all I've realized my capacity for forgiveness was limitless. 

Now that my 'fog' has dissipated I now treat her not like a victim (lot of mixed personality disorder issues) and judge her like a normal real person and when I do that without the love getting in the way I can see just how abusive she has been towards me and living a complete lie for all of it. Living the life she said she wanted but wanting the cream on top - basically cake eating on a grand scale.

One aspect of my anger is that if you met her like everybody does you'd not think this bubbly effervescent smiling warm person was capable of the level of deceit and lying she has done. I struggle with that because only a handful of people really know her for what she is. That is fking infuriating. 

The trickle truthing, lack of respect to me and our kids is remarkable and the fact that every affair was with a married man ten years older with two kids and destroyed the OM wife life too is touching on the pure evil.

Even more enraging is the re writing of our history in order to back up her exploits.

As for not seeing or wanting to see the 'extent of the pain she has caused' - well we are talking about a blindness that just cannot be believed

Our current status when I see her or am in close proximity because of children handovers I feel physically sick and have hithertoe unknown (for me ) panic attacks. The rage builds within seconds but I am in total control after that because of the kids. 

She's still got that look of 'when are you going to get over this and move on'

If she were not the mother of my children .....


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

> I have tried to make him see I need more from him, but without spelling it out and it being disingenuous, I don't know what more I can do. Well, that is not true. I have 2 options...stay or go. Both scare the s**t out of me.


Lisa, you are doing all the work here. You cannot sustain that. It's not healthy. Healthy relationship are based upon reciprocity. That's the baseline. When he cheated on you, he tipped those scales so far -- to the point at which he must do far, far more than mere reciprocity -- he needs to REPAIR what he broke. Which means putting himself, his needs, and his "happiness" last. He needs to make you, your safety and well-being the health of his relationship FIRST. 

That's not happening. Not only did those scales tip, YOU are now burdened with trying to heal this on your own. To give even MORE in the face of such betrayal and pain. That's grossly unfair -- and as I wrote, unsustainable. It is death by inches. It is soul death. 

If he's quit cheating (and like the other poster, I think it's a big IF), he's like a dry drunk. He's got all the entitlement, affair mindset still, even if he doesn't have the behaviors. It's not enough. 

Stay or go? Yes, both are scary. But if you stay, you're going to get more of the same. No remorse and a very good likelihood he will cheat again. And you model crap to your child of what a loving, healthy relationship looks like. 

Thanks for the kind words about moving on. Like you, it was SCARY. Really scary. My XWH had moved me to another state, I had no job when it happened, and all my money was wrapped up in a house we bought together. I was f*cked. But I got out. I reached out for help, found a job, un-isolated myself -- and I got divorced. 

It was a leap of faith. It's always a leap of faith. There's that expresssion -- leap and a net will appear. That's what happened. 

I had to heal myself and work on myself before I was ready to recognize a healthy relationship and go for it. Even before that happened, my life was immeasurably better not having the drama and pain of living with an unremorseful cheater. 

I firmly believe it's better on the other side of this madness. 

I wrote this about being stuck at the crossroads of Stay/Go.
Five Things That Keep You Stuck With a Cheater

You deserve better.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Hi
I'm new here.
I found out 11 months ago my husband cheated with a colleague twice in the same week. 

The first time they met right after work in the car as she had offered to perform an act on him, which she did, but they both tell me he didn't 'fully' go through with and told her to get out of the car, the second time they met a couple days later for same but he told her he was happily married and that was that.

This happened almost 4 years ago, so 3 years before i found out. I found out when i came across an old email archive, confronted H but he denied everything. I tracked this OW down and mailed her pretending to be my H and she told me everything. At this point my H had no choice but to admit as he realised i was talking to OW. She only worked with him for 4 months and no contact since he cheated. I feel i have the truth about what happened as i told OW if she didn't tell me the absolute truth i would tell her fiance everything and send him the email where she offered my H a no strings attached BJ!

My husband is devastated, genuinely sorry and remorseful and being absolutely transparent. I have his work emails on ipad, FB password, mobile phone access.....he hides nothing and is doing everything he can possibly do to save our marriage.

Only problem is, I can't seem to move past what he has done, even though i love him and trust him that this was a one off, i can't quite accept he did this horrible thing to me / us. The thought that he put this quick thrill before his wife and children kills me. I am devastated.
He is being patient and talks when i need to, but i feel as if he thinks i should be moving forward and putting this behind me. I want to, but it isn't quite that easy as wanting to. I am having weeks where i am fine and then it hits me again, and i'm off....is this normal? I haven't told anyone either, i don't want friends and family to know this horrible secret! So i have nobody to talk to.

My heart has been broken, and what to him was a stupid mistake, and something he has tried to forget all i can feel is shock and complete sadness.

We have been together for 20 years, married 17 years this year, always best of friends, true soul mates. We do everything together, go every where together and do really love each other. This is why it is so hard to get past.

When i saw a photograph of this OW I was so shocked. She was 10 years younger than me, but quite large and not good looking at all, so it wasn't that she tempted him with her looks, and he didn't even know her, she had only just started working at his office when she made a bee line for him....

just simply an offer he couldn't refuse! 

It will take as long as it takes. We will get through this, but we will never get over it.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

hotdogs said:


> Someone tell me that there is more to life? Someone tell me that there are more important things than an idiot spouse? God someone somewhere tell me..


Of Course there is more to life. 

Get yourself to a fitness club and start working out. It will lift your mood and make your mind as strong as your body gets. 

If your idiot spouse is working on R, still work on yourself. 

Join clubs and organizations that interest you, too.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

gemjo said:


> Hi
> I'm new here.
> I found out 11 months ago my husband cheated with a colleague twice in the same week.
> 
> ...


If it makes you feel the slightest bit better, statistically speaking it's damn near impossible for man to refuse a no strings BJ. I'm not saying your husband should be rewarded but what he did was deny everything biological and screaming in himself in the middle of this act. Maybe 1% of men would do this. I'm sorry you hadda go through it though. Think of it this way-- this was purely physical. He had penis brain. There was no infatuation or emotional ties or anything. She may as well been a prossie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Thanks Hotdogs

I agree with everything you wrote, and I feel like that is the only reason my H is still in our home. If he'd fancied her, if he loved her, if he'd had intercourse with her i don't think I could have even tried to work on my marriage, it would have been too hard for me.

gemjo


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Im almost 16 months out, and its been a looooong ride . We are separated , as I do love him , I’m no longer in love with him,...after his selfishness to hurt a 28 yr marriage, for me being with another women for almost 2 yr was a deal breaker .

There’s good days,but still bad ones as well, but for the most part if our contact is limited and controlled in nature , then we get along ok .

It taken a long time to adjust to my new normal,as it doesn't still feel normal. I still feel married , but as separated . We agreed to see others , but haven't actually had that happen yet . Nothing is in writing , we are just living two separate lives with him paying for it all, and keeping me in the lifestyle I had been, up to d-day .

Im taking on a pied-a-terra in NYC, and still have my home to return to for the weekend . 

I haven't “worked” in 35 years , but am now venturing into the world of commercials, and extras in the television industry . I have never done anything like this I my life . 

My life is changing, there’s days when it really exciting .... I’ve been reading, “Me before We “...”Coming Apart”,plus others.

I’m learning what went wrong and realize we both led to the break down , and need to not allow some of those habits to be carried over to a future relationship , if there is any . ( and I had a good marriage , or I thought so ) 

I have the support of my husband to live our lives separately , as after what he had done to our marriage, he wants nothing now but for me to find joyfulness back into my life . 

I knew from day one , I couldn't heal with him in my daily life . I don't see us ever being a couple again ,but maybe this is how it was to be . 

~sammy


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

I feel like that too sometimes. I know that my husband was infatuated and he accidentally blurted out that if the woman would have wanted him she could have had him. I often feel like I can't heal having to look at him every day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

You know...I always wonder if inside those selfish little brains they really think it was worth it? We know what they tells us, but the fact is they wanted this person enough to risk everything for...how can we honestly believe they aren't still high fiving themselves for getting him\her into bed? It makes me ill to even think about and I'm sitting here trying to not cry as I imagine he really is glad he got to tap some 22 year olds ass.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

Lisa, 

I am 4 years past DDay. (one DDAY, thank God-total time of his affair from EA to PA was 6 weeks) He has been totally remorseful since DDay. He did the heavy lifting, total transparency, and most of all got clean. (He was addicted to pain pills when he had the A and the OW was also an addict with scripts to share!)
Our marriage is 100xs better than it ever was before, however I still have days when I think _WHY_ and _HOW COULD YOU. _
But all I can tell you is that TIME is your best friend and with time and effort it does get ALOT better. Does it ever really go away? I don't know.........


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## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

It's been about a month for me, and it has been horrible. I've never experienced anything this before, and hope to never again. I married a "Diamond in the rough" and boy did it backfire. 6 difficult years and then it ends like this, it's been gut wrenching. Some days are better than others, I'm starting to take care of myself, and understand my issues that led me to pick someone like this. Can't even think about being with someone else...the thought is actually sickening...it will take some timie to past this.


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## brokenmama (May 27, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I think sunshintoday is probably "right on" , for those who still want to rebuild your lives together, and who both can look in the eye of each . That stopped for me as I learned the details of his affair. His behavior, thou he was so sorry , took a long time to finally “get it”.

I believe how the wayward first behave after discovery, determines a lot ...sometimes , "to little, too late..." 

~sammy


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

14 weeks since dday of a 15 month affair.

My WW is sorry, remorseful and regretful, she is transparent and doing all she can to make this up. At this point I know she loves me and is well out of the fog. The first month was just horrible, the second a bit better but still had a lot of pain. I still cry about every other day for one reason or another. We talk a lot, I mean a lot about it all. We are both in MC and IC. Today was a really good day for me and her, I wish they could always be this good.

About how I feel.....I feel hopeful and good about our R. I feel we are doing things the right way and are on the road to a happy, healthy marriage. Honestly though, we already have more of a marriage than we did pre-A.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> It seems since I posted here no one has posted since. I apologize if I a WS chimed in where maybe I don't belong. Please carry on and I won't bother you all anymore..sorry
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't worry. Please!


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Hi there MattMatt. B1 it sounds like you both are putting in alot of effort into your R and I believe you two will be just fine. I love good news posts like this  Keep up the good work!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Hi B1

I'm in a similar place to you right now, although we aren't in any counselling or anything, trying to put things right. My H has been very transparent and honest with me since I found he'd cheated, but he isn't much of a talker when it comes to feelings, which is very hard for me.
So he will answer questions if I directly ask them, but I feel like this week he's being irritated because I'm having a bad week......which wil only make me worse I fear.
I do have a tendency to snipe if I get the opportunity, but this is the days I'm in a bad place, as we can go weeks now and it never gets mentioned.
I'm not one for putting things behind me too easily, shutting them up would be like waiting for a volcano to erupt! So I say what I'm feeling when I'm feeling it.

BUT on a positive note, our marriage is better in so many ways, we certainly don't take one anothe for granted any more.

Gemjo


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

It is interesting how the emotions can change. I am a bit raw tonight, no idea why, except that I am very tired.
Perhaps I am too tired to keep my emotions so tightly wrapped & this is why I feel bad now.
I just wish there was some way to snap my fingers & make the thoughts that pop into my head stop or to make the negative feelings cease.
I know that in time I will be in a better place & this refinining will make our marriage stronger.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Found out June of 2011. So over a year. 

I'm divorced and dating a beautiful french girl who's ten years younger than me. I'm laughing all the merry way.


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