# Single Dad - Need Help



## wilson1122 (7 mo ago)

I am a single father, with a now 13 year old daughter, she has not spoken to her mother (nor have I) in 8 years. (long story, no need to explain)

She is coming to "that age" where she is wearing more revealing clothing.

I have also caught her masturbating on more than one occasion, which was needless to say very uncomfortable for both of us.

I am a man, and I am not sure how to have "the talk" with her.

Any advice?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

wilson1122 said:


> I am a single father, with a now 13 year old daughter, she has not spoken to her mother (nor have I) in 8 years. (long story, no need to explain)
> 
> She is coming to "that age" where she is wearing more revealing clothing.
> 
> ...


@Numb26 can give you some advice, I'm sure. He's our resident single dad with full custody, and doing a great job!


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Is an ankle monitor and chastity lock to draconian?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Thanks @LisaDiane !!!

First, just realize that this is a normal part of growing up. You made it through puberty, periods and acne you can make it through this.

Most important thing is to not act uncomfortable EVEN if you are. If she senses that you are she will not feel at ease to come talk to you about anything else. You want those lines of communication open. My daughters know that they can come to me with any problem they have and I will help them if I can.


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## wilson1122 (7 mo ago)

Numb26 said:


> First, just realize that this is a normal part of growing up.


I do know that, and realize that

I understand masturbation is normal. But she is doing it sometimes openly.

As an example, in our hot tub, or pool.

How do I explain that she needs to do that in a private place?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

wilson1122 said:


> I do know that, and realize that
> 
> I understand masturbation is normal. But she is doing it sometimes openly.
> 
> ...


Tell her just that. I normal to masterbate but it's something that is done in the privacy of her bedroom or the bathroom.


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## wilson1122 (7 mo ago)

Numb26 said:


> Tell her just that. I normal to masterbate but it's something that is done in the privacy of her bedroom or the bathroom.


It's easy for you to say that, but it's just so uncomfortable to talk about

Have you ever caught your daughter "humping" a hot tub jet?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

wilson1122 said:


> It's easy for you to say that, but it's just so uncomfortable to talk about
> 
> Have you ever caught your daughter "humping" a hot tub jet?


It's easy for him to say that because he knows what he would do if he caught her. 

Uncomfortable or not, you MUST address these things with her. That's part of being a parent.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

wilson1122 said:


> It's easy for you to say that, but it's just so uncomfortable to talk about
> 
> Have you ever caught your daughter "humping" a hot tub jet?


Just do it. Yes it can be difficult but only if you focus on weird so don't. Short, to the point, and remember its about her, not you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Lordy!

I would look the other way, and pretend I had not noticed.


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## wilson1122 (7 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> Lordy!
> 
> I would look the other way, and pretend I had not noticed.


That thought crossed my mind, unfortunately, she saw me before I could get out of there


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Just remember this exact thing has been successfully done by many single dads.

Pls note, no more descriptions of her actions need to be shared here.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

wilson1122 said:


> I do know that, and realize that
> 
> I understand masturbation is normal. But she is doing it sometimes openly.
> 
> ...


Great, if I wasn’t already anxious about my daughter growing up…. I sure as hell am now.

gonna have to stay on this thread and take notes.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Numb26 said:


> Tell her just that. I normal to masterbate but it's something that is done in the privacy of her bedroom or the bathroom.


Numb, I envy you.

please, please, please God….. I really do NOT want to have to say this to my daughter some day.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

wilson1122 said:


> That thought crossed my mind, unfortunately, she saw me before I could get out of there


Problem solved.

She knows that you know.

She will be more discreet, I would hope.


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## wilson1122 (7 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Just remember this exact thing has been successfully done by many single dads.


How do you know what the success rate is?

For every "success" there could be 10 failures


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

wilson1122 said:


> How do you know what the success rate is?
> 
> For every "success" there could be 10 failures


Are you a serious poster? Evidence is showing no. 
Best of luck.


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## wilson1122 (7 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> Problem solved.
> 
> She knows that you know.
> 
> She will be more discreet, I would hope.


She has not been though,

I have caught her many times after this one incident,

But apparently I am not allowed to share specific information about that?



Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Pls note, no more descriptions of her actions need to be shared here.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

SunCMars said:


> Lordy!
> 
> I would look the other way, and pretend I had not noticed.


As a parent, you don't have the luxury of putting your own comfort over giving your kids guidance and instruction.
Left to their own, kids make terrible choices sometimes...because they are CHILDREN. If we refuse to discuss important topics with them because it's inconvenient and uncomfortable, we are putting our children at a disadvantage in the world.

What if she does something like that in front of other people? That could have terrible consequences. She NEEDS to hear from her parent that it's normal but has to remain private, like it is for everyone else.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

wilson1122 said:


> How do you know what the success rate is?
> 
> For every "success" there could be 10 failures


What would you consider "failure"...??


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

wilson1122 said:


> She has not been though,
> 
> I have caught her many times after this one incident,
> 
> But apparently I am not allowed to share specific information about that?


I think he meant you don't need to tell us she was "humping a hot tub jet".


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Numb, I envy you.
> 
> please, please, please God….. I really do NOT want to have to say this to my daughter some day.


You had better get ready!! Lol!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Not a single dad, but I did raise my two sons mostly my myself. They do see their dad bur I couldn't count on him to have talks with them. They did have a step dad until I left him 4 years ago but he couldn't talk about anything beyond sports and weather without getting uncomfortable. This kind of thing would've given him a heart attack 😅😅😅

You should've been there when I had the porn talk with them 😅

I second numb's advice to tell her unemotionally that this is normal but it should be private. I told my boys the same thing. Imagine you're teaching strangers...that will help you stay non reactive.

They're now 21 and 18 and they talk to me about all kinds of stuff.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Numb, I envy you.
> 
> please, please, please God….. I really do NOT want to have to say this to my daughter some day.


My trial by fire was so much fun! 🤣🤣🤣


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## wilson1122 (7 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Great, if I wasn’t already anxious about my daughter growing up…. I sure as hell am now.
> 
> gonna have to stay on this thread and take notes.


Yeah, it's a lot more difficult than most people seem to think or make it out to be,

It's easy for somebody to say online "well just do this"


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

wilson1122 said:


> It's easy for you to say that, but it's just so uncomfortable to talk about


This is one the "mores" that is so pathetically skewed by a big percentage of people in North America. Grown men become instant cowards, paralyzed with their tongue tied. It has to be their upbringing. 
Something that should come as natural to parents as to guide their children as they enter the awkward phase of puberty, becomes a source of embarrassment and a taboo to discuss. For crying out loud, the indigenous people in those tribes in the Amazon jungles can and do a much better job at guiding their children as thy hit the onset of puberty in a very natural non judgmental way that few in the Western world manage to do. 

To the OP, yes, it's very easy to say that, and very easy to do that. You just have to approach the issue as anything else with openness and confidence. You must show your kid that you're not afraid to talk. I did it with my TWO daughters. I took the scientific approach with books and drawings, mixed with the social elements to explain the reason (s) we don't do certain things in public and must do it in our own privacy. For the biological aspect I chose the "Book of Life" to show to my daughters how and why a woman gets pregnant, the consequences of sex, the development and birth of a child. And how to approach solving their feelings, and that mommy, and I were there to answer any question (s) they may have. 

I always saw it as a job, and took that approach, like I was working and explaining things to a new trainee.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I am not a single dad, but I've had these talks with my daughter and son. Both my wife and I have, together and separately. I don't think it is right for a dad, or a mom, to pawn off all responsibility to the other. I realize it seems more natural for mom to talk to a daughter, but there is value in talking to both mom and dad about these things. 

It just simply takes courage. I would run through the conversation in my head a dozen times before talking. As far as your daughter's masturbation habits, she won't know it should be more discreate than it currently is if you don't tell her. For some it may be obvious, but I guess not for her. What @Numb26 said is perfect. Keep it simple, unemotional and straight forward.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Numb, I envy you.
> 
> please, please, please God….. I really do NOT want to have to say this to my daughter some day.


I feel like this is sort of wife territory so I feel bad for the guy. Like if I had a son, I feel like a broach this topic with a bit more ease, but with a daughter, I can see how uncomfortable this is.


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## wilson1122 (7 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> As far as your daughter's masturbation habits, she won't know it should be more discreate than it currently is if you don't tell her. For some it may be obvious, but I guess not for her.


I thought after catching her a handful of times, she would learn herself to do it in privacy,

But she doesn't seem to care where she is "doing it"


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

wilson1122 said:


> I thought after catching her a handful of times, she would learn herself to do it in privacy,
> 
> But she doesn't seem to care where she is "doing it"


What did you say when you caught her?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

wilson1122 said:


> I thought after catching her a handful of times, she would learn herself to do it in privacy,
> 
> But she doesn't seem to care where she is "doing it"


Well, then you need to talk to her. She didn't get the hint.


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## wilson1122 (7 mo ago)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> What did you say when you caught her?


Nothing, I was in complete shock and horror and walked away,

I don't know who was more embarrassed, her or me


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

wilson1122 said:


> Nothing, I was in complete shock and horror and walked away,
> 
> I don't know who was more embarrassed, her or me


Well now you got to address it. Just sit her down and let her know those things need to be done in private.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

wilson1122 said:


> Nothing, I was in complete shock and horror and walked away,
> 
> I don't know who was more embarrassed, her or me


Obviously it was you, because you are afraid to bring it up with her.

It's actually a very healthy sign for her developing sexuality that she enjoys doing that. It just needs to be kept private.
Are there any women in your family who she is close to?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

wilson1122 said:


> Nothing, I was in complete shock and horror and walked away,


This, this is what i was referring to in my previous post. 

It shouldn't and it is not the job of a mother or a father to guide their children with the ways of bees and birds it it BOTH of them job. 



wilson1122 said:


> I thought after catching her a handful of times, she would learn herself to do it in privacy,


You keep saying that you have caught her various times. So, why after the first time haven't you done anything at all? why? you need to get to bottom of it. This is on you dude.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

When my oldest son was 12, he came to me one night very solemnly and scared, and told me that he was sure he was dying because he had been touching himself, and stuff had come out, and he thought it was killing him.

This was my precious little sweet boy who loved cuddling with me and who loved writing mystery stories and building things with legos. I DID NOT want to think of him as a sexual "guy" who was touching himself. We had discussed sex years before, but not in much detail. I didn't want to handle the male side of sexuality, I barely understand it myself!!! Lol!

But I contained my horror, and responded very calmly, like we were talking about him picking up his room, or something VERY NORMAL and not disgusting or repulsive at all. I told him that he was not dying at all, that the stuff that comes out was part of what made babies and that it was supposed to come out and he had NOTHING to be ashamed of. 

I said that what he felt was an "orgasm" and was a wonderful thing about being human, and that when he was older he would share that with someone he loved, but touching himself alone was very normal and perfectly fine too as long as he did it privately. I told him that he could touch his own body as much as he wanted, and that almost everyone enjoyed giving themselves orgasms, but it should always stay very private.

The relief on his face let me know I handled it perfectly, and the fact that I never saw him do it at all told me that he had understood what I told him. And when my second son came to me a couple of years later (when he was 12 too...Lol!!), worried that he was "bad", I was ready!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

LisaDiane said:


> As a parent, you don't have the luxury of putting your own comfort over giving your kids guidance and instruction.
> Left to their own, kids make terrible choices sometimes...because they are CHILDREN. If we refuse to discuss important topics with them because it's inconvenient and uncomfortable, we are putting our children at a disadvantage in the world.
> 
> What if she does something like that in front of other people? That could have terrible consequences. She NEEDS to hear from her parent that it's normal but has to remain private, like it is for everyone else.


I agree, but I am sure she did not expect her father to walk up on her.

As a young boy, I would absolutely hate that my mother found the need to tell me not to touch myself.
As a boy, that lecture would better be delivered by his father.

The same goes for a teen girl.
I get it, her mom is not available.

Without going into detail, he need only tell her to keep her private activities, extra private.
And, then drop the subject.

Need I say, that many mothers can be _overly_ expressive.
Thus, creating that divide in their children.

One thing is a 'for sure'.
This OP father needs to walk heavily, whistle when approaching, and knock before entering...when possible!

_Are Dee-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Years ago, a divorced co-worker confided in me that his teen daughter was watching lesbian porn online.

He asked what I thought of that.

I asked how he knew, and does she know that he knows what she is up to.

He said they share a home computer, and that her search history went there.

I told him that this a part of growing up and to be thankful that she is not watching much worse activities.

She was a very shy girl from what he told me.

I said to monitor, not to confront.

I also said to watch what sort of boys, if any, come calling.

If he had confronted her, (from that point on) she would avoid her dad like the plague.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

wilson1122 said:


> Nothing, I was in complete shock and horror and walked away,
> I don't know who was more embarrassed, her or me


OP, you said she kept doing it even after that? It doesn't sound as if she was embarrassed, unless you've appeared accidentally since, when she wasn't expecting it. Does she have a lock on her bedroom door? As many said you have to tell her in a very matter of fact way that it should be done in private.
You haven't mentioned any more about the revealing clothing. That will possibly be a more difficult problem, assuming she's not masturbating in front of her friends or in public as well.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

********** said:


> OP, you said she kept doing it even after that? It doesn't sound as if she was embarrassed, unless you've appeared accidentally since when she wasn't expecting it. Does she have a lock on her bedroom door? As many said you have to tell her in a very matter of fact way that it should be done in private.
> You haven't mentioned any more about the revealing clothing. That will possibly be a more difficult problem, assuming she's not masturbating in front of her friends or in public as well.


Yeah, not much mentioned about the revealing clothing. My thought on that was how did she get the clothing? She is 13, so I presume no money of her own, nor the ability to go shopping by herself. No contact with mom in 8 years. So who is buying her these revealing clothes if not dad?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I have a 10 year old daughter and I plan on laying this conversation on my gf. I think it’s part of her job duties . Also, if schools can teach kindergarteners that being transgender is absolutely fine and, in fact, encourage it, you’d think they could also cover puberty and masturbation🤔


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

wilson1122 said:


> She has not been though,
> 
> I have caught her many times after this one incident,
> 
> But apparently I am not allowed to share specific information about that?


*No. Speaking as a moderator, you are not.*


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

wilson1122 said:


> It's easy for somebody to say online "well just do this"


Yep. And it's just as easy for someone to ask for opinions and argue when they get opinions. Just sayin' ....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@wilson1122

I get that this can be uncomfortable for you. 

Due to your daughter's behavior, I think you need to find a family counselor that can help you. 

From your description of her behavior, she's acting out in a very bad way. It's very bad because you could be charged with child sexual abuse. Your daughter's behavior could be seen as the behavior of a children who has been sexualized. It's very bad because you could be charged with child sexual abuse. 

My take on this is that you need to get a family counselor who can help you figure out how to handle this. The counselor could also talk to the counselor who could tell her that her behavior is out of line and tell her what healthy behavior.


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