# I'm Confused and Need Advice



## kclark30 (Nov 6, 2021)

I'm having a hard time wrestling with the decision to divorce my husband. Right now it's hard for me to make a decision because I am in the relationship, I don't have an outsiders perspective. I'm a woman so maybe I am being emotional and not thinking rational. Maybe after putting it all out there you all will be screaming at me to divorce him. I need a little help with this. So here goes....(it's long)

We met online and have been together for 10 years and married for 6 years. I broke up with him 6 months after initially dating him because I wasn't a priority. He would chose his friends over me and it was only ok to be with me in the evenings when he needed...you know. It was mutual and he sort of filled my needs, but I wanted more. I wanted an actual boyfriend. So I broke it off, two months later he texts me that he misses me, wants me to be his girlfriend and he wants an actual relationship..blah, blah, blah...we end up getting back together. The relationship wasn't great, but it was ok. Our sex life slowed down. He was starting a business and needed me to do almost everything for him. He takes advantage of me because I have lots of skills to offer and he doesn't. If I ever ask him for help, he doesn't help me. I'm stuck doing it on my own. Another issue, he's a drunk. Each time he makes a fool of himself, he won't drink for a couple of weeks and then he's back at it again. I just found out about this, but he has 2 dui's on his record which he never told me about. I found out when he told a friend in front of me because he was drunk telling them...LMAO!

I have no idea why I married this man. Why I said yes I can't even tell you. We were already living together and we got along pretty good, but it was kind of like roommates. I almost broke up with him just before he asked me to marry him because he was having one of his drunken moments. Maybe I thought he would get better if we were married. Maybe it would help our sex life. Maybe I didn't want to be alone or have to move, I have no idea how I was feeling. So we got married at city hall, very low key.

Throughout the marriage, we had lots of problems. His mother was one problem. She was so rude to me and every time I would complain about it and ask him to do something, he wouldn't. Finally after years of the b.s. I confronted her myself and told her to knock it off (in a nice way, I wasn't rude at all). OMG! That was the worst thing I could of done according to my husband. According to him, no one confronts his mother (This isn't true. I have watched his older brother tell her to screw off many times, I am married to a mama's boy). Still to this day he isn't ok that I stood up for myself with her. I don't see her anymore so I'm happy. Another problem is he drinks to the point of no return. He can have beers and its fine. It's the whiskey and jameson that get him into trouble. He also smokes pot which wouldn't be a big deal if it was recreational, but it's multiple times a day as an escape. It drives me nuts. He is numb after and I can't have a conversation with him. He is addicted to facebook and messages his friends daily instead of talking with me. We don't even eat together because 6pm is too early for him to eat. He prefers 8pm. I tried to compromise and eat at 6:30pm - 7pm, but he wasn't having it. He is also selfish. He puts himself first before me and it's just not ok.

A couple of years ago I got hurt at my shop that I owned. I was on the floor and couldn't move. It was my back and it was so painful, I had no idea what was going on. He came to see me and said that I looked ok so he was going to leave to go home and watch the news, and then come back to see how I was doing. Well he didn't come back. I called and he wouldn't answer. I texted him and got message like "I'm on my way", "Leaving now", things like that. 14 hours later he showed up. My pain was so intense so I called 911. I couldn't call 911 earlier because my door to my shop was locked (super heavy duty door) and they wouldn't have been able to get in...or maybe use the jaws of life to get in at the tune of $5K or something. I went to the ER, got an MRI and found out it was a herniation and that I needed surgery for it. I was so mad at my husband I would of divorced him right then and there, but I needed to make my body healthy again before I did that. I'll never get over what he did to me. I found out the reason he didn't come back for me after the news was because he was drinking and couldn't get in a car to drive.

Currently our relationship sucks. We have no sex. He doesn't listen to me when I try and communicate with him. He drinks, he sits on the couch using facebook with his friends, gets stoned, doesn't make time for me at all. I go out of my way to be a good wife. It's all the little things that I think matter. He doesn't do any of the little things for me. I do watch him do the little things for his friends which makes me jealous. He is a very good friend to his friends. He is an awful husband to me...neglectful..emotional abandonment..you name it. I call him on it so many times and he shrugs it off.

We went to marriage counseling, but he didn't take it seriously. I'm frustrated so I saw a divorce attorney and liked everything he had to say about ending my marriage. I also read about "Walkaway Wife Syndrome" and then I panicked. I didn't want that to be me so I told my husband we are getting divorced. I want him to know that I'm not hiding anything, this is what's going on! He has it really good right now so he doesn't want a divorce. He thinks he can save our marriage. He says he will change and he looks like a scared rabbit when he says it.

He is gone on a trip for 2 weeks to Europe right now with his elderly father so I am enjoying my time alone (you have no idea.) I've never threatened divorce ever! Maybe I am being stupid here, but I want him to change. I have been literally yelling and screaming and asking him to change for the last 4 years of marriage and he doesn't. Do you think he will change because he now knows I want a divorce. I would love to live a life that is by myself and I don't have to put up with any of his crap anymore. I would also love a life with him where he isn't a drunk, stoned, selfish jerk and have him to do little things for me and actually support me and defend me to his demented mother. If it hasn't happened now, why would it?

I'm ready for divorce and all that entails. I love being independent and if it's a little lonely at times, I can get a cat. I would be so relieved to not have to put up with any of his crap anymore. I really wish I could be in a real marriage with him where HE contributes to the marriage and supports my needs. I just don't see it happening. He suckers me into staying, it's good for a week, and then back to the same old crap and I'm hating myself again.

Please help me...


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

If him changing drastically from who he has been over the past decade is part of the plan for saving the marriage, it will never work.

He will be 95% the same as he is today for the rest of his life, if you don't like who that is, then it is time to move on.


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## kclark30 (Nov 6, 2021)

re16 said:


> If him changing drastically from who he has been over the past decade is part of the plan for saving the marriage, it will never work.
> 
> He will be 95% the same as he is today for the rest of his life, if you don't like who that is, then it is time to move on.


Thank you! I know that you are right and I really needed to hear that.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

kclark30 said:


> Thank you! I know that you are right and I really needed to hear that.


Sometimes people press forward on hopium, it never works... you'd have a better chance of winning the lottery than him changing into who you want to be with.

The good news is that the type of person you want is out there, and you'll likely find them quickly, you just need to take the steps to end your current situation to be able to start the process.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

Please read what you wrote. Do you really have to ask? Look how much of your life you have wasted already. How many more years do you want to pour down the drain?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I could never be with a man who was always drunk and took drugs.


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## kclark30 (Nov 6, 2021)

QuietGuy said:


> Please read what you wrote. Do you really have to ask? Look how much of your life you have wasted already. How many more years do you want to pour down the drain?


I did read it and it's hard because I am IN it. I'm sure if I look at it a year from now, I'm going to feel like "What in the world was wrong with me?"


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## kclark30 (Nov 6, 2021)

re16 said:


> Sometimes people press forward on hopium, it never works... you'd have a better chance of winning the lottery than him changing into who you want to be with.
> 
> The good news is that the type of person you want is out there, and you'll likely find them quickly, you just need to take the steps to end your current situation to be able to start the process.


I'm planning on staying single for a VERY long time. I don't think I have it in me to look for another man. In my opinion, they should all come with warning labels. If you don't like what your label says then change your behavior..lol


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

kclark30 said:


> I'm planning on staying single for a VERY long time. I don't think I have it in me to look for another man. In my opinion, they should all come with warning labels. If you don't like what your label says then change your behavior..lol


Well, you definitly need to work on your picker, because you picked a dud on your first go round. You shouldn't let that stop you from trying, a positive relationship can add a lot to your life.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

kclark30 said:


> I'm having a hard time wrestling with the decision to divorce my husband. Right now it's hard for me to make a decision because I am in the relationship, I don't have an outsiders perspective. I'm a woman so maybe I am being emotional and not thinking rational. Maybe after putting it all out there you all will be screaming at me to divorce him. I need a little help with this. So here goes....(it's long)
> 
> We met online and have been together for 10 years and married for 6 years. I broke up with him 6 months after initially dating him because I wasn't a priority. He would chose his friends over me and it was only ok to be with me in the evenings when he needed...you know. It was mutual and he sort of filled my needs, but I wanted more. I wanted an actual boyfriend. So I broke it off, two months later he texts me that he misses me, wants me to be his girlfriend and he wants an actual relationship..blah, blah, blah...we end up getting back together. The relationship wasn't great, but it was ok. Our sex life slowed down. He was starting a business and needed me to do almost everything for him. He takes advantage of me because I have lots of skills to offer and he doesn't. If I ever ask him for help, he doesn't help me. I'm stuck doing it on my own. Another issue, he's a drunk. Each time he makes a fool of himself, he won't drink for a couple of weeks and then he's back at it again. I just found out about this, but he has 2 dui's on his record which he never told me about. I found out when he told a friend in front of me because he was drunk telling them...LMAO!
> 
> ...


He sounds a little rough around the edges, but a great guy to me. I think you’re too needy. Everyone drinks a little and smokes pot and plays on Facebook. Have you always been this judgemental? Poor guy deserves better.






or: correct the mistake of marrying the world’s biggest idiot, and divorce. And no, your thoughts seem pretty reasonable.


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

kclark30 said:


> A couple of years ago I got hurt at my shop that I owned. I was on the floor and couldn't move. It was my back and it was so painful, I had no idea what was going on. He came to see me and said that I looked ok so he was going to leave to go home and watch the news, and then come back to see how I was doing. Well he didn't come back. I called and he wouldn't answer. I texted him and got message like "I'm on my way", "Leaving now", things like that. 14 hours later he showed up. My pain was so intense so I called 911. I couldn't call 911 earlier because my door to my shop was locked (super heavy duty door) and they wouldn't have been able to get in...or maybe use the jaws of life to get in at the tune of $5K or something. I went to the ER, got an MRI and found out it was a herniation and that I needed surgery for it. I was so mad at my husband I would of divorced him right then and there, but I needed to make my body healthy again before I did that. I'll never get over what he did to me. I found out the reason he didn't come back for me after the news was because he was drinking and couldn't get in a car to drive.
> 
> 
> He is gone on a trip for 2 weeks to Europe right now with his elderly father so I am enjoying my time alone (you have no idea.) I've never threatened divorce ever! Maybe I am being stupid here, but I want him to change. I have been literally yelling and screaming and asking him to change for the last 4 years of marriage and he doesn't. Do you think he will change because he now knows I want a divorce. I would love to live a life that is by myself and I don't have to put up with any of his crap anymore. I would also love a life with him where he isn't a drunk, stoned, selfish jerk and have him to do little things for me and actually support me and defend me to his demented mother. If it hasn't happened now, why would it?
> ...


It seems like you'd be happier without him. He's not going to change. You got what you got. As people get older they do mellow and change a little but not that much. I'm not sure why you stayed this long it sounds like a huge waste of time.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

kclark30 said:


> I'm having a hard time wrestling with the decision to divorce my husband. Right now it's hard for me to make a decision because I am in the relationship, I don't have an outsiders perspective. I'm a woman so maybe I am being emotional and not thinking rational. Maybe after putting it all out there you all will be screaming at me to divorce him. I need a little help with this. So here goes....(it's long)
> 
> We met online and have been together for 10 years and married for 6 years. I broke up with him 6 months after initially dating him because I wasn't a priority. He would chose his friends over me and it was only ok to be with me in the evenings when he needed...you know. It was mutual and he sort of filled my needs, but I wanted more. I wanted an actual boyfriend. So I broke it off, two months later he texts me that he misses me, wants me to be his girlfriend and he wants an actual relationship..blah, blah, blah...we end up getting back together. The relationship wasn't great, but it was ok. Our sex life slowed down. He was starting a business and needed me to do almost everything for him. He takes advantage of me because I have lots of skills to offer and he doesn't. If I ever ask him for help, he doesn't help me. I'm stuck doing it on my own. Another issue, he's a drunk. Each time he makes a fool of himself, he won't drink for a couple of weeks and then he's back at it again. I just found out about this, but he has 2 dui's on his record which he never told me about. I found out when he told a friend in front of me because he was drunk telling them...LMAO!
> 
> ...


I hate to say this, but he sounds like a complete Narcissist. Selfish and only cares about his own needs. His drinking, etc., will never stop. Feel really bad that you're in this relationship..your choice to move on. I think you'd be much happier!!


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## Lovelorn_soul (Aug 26, 2021)

kclark30 said:


> I'm having a hard time wrestling with the decision to divorce my husband. Right now it's hard for me to make a decision because I am in the relationship, I don't have an outsiders perspective. I'm a woman so maybe I am being emotional and not thinking rational. Maybe after putting it all out there you all will be screaming at me to divorce him. I need a little help with this. So here goes....(it's long)
> 
> We met online and have been together for 10 years and married for 6 years. I broke up with him 6 months after initially dating him because I wasn't a priority. He would chose his friends over me and it was only ok to be with me in the evenings when he needed...you know. It was mutual and he sort of filled my needs, but I wanted more. I wanted an actual boyfriend. So I broke it off, two months later he texts me that he misses me, wants me to be his girlfriend and he wants an actual relationship..blah, blah, blah...we end up getting back together. The relationship wasn't great, but it was ok. Our sex life slowed down. He was starting a business and needed me to do almost everything for him. He takes advantage of me because I have lots of skills to offer and he doesn't. If I ever ask him for help, he doesn't help me. I'm stuck doing it on my own. Another issue, he's a drunk. Each time he makes a fool of himself, he won't drink for a couple of weeks and then he's back at it again. I just found out about this, but he has 2 dui's on his record which he never told me about. I found out when he told a friend in front of me because he was drunk telling them...LMAO!
> 
> ...


@kclark30 It is understandably an immensely tough situation you're in. Of course, it is NOT going to be easy for you to make a decision even if it staying with your husband or divorcing him.

I can surely sympathize with you on the part where you're coming from about his substance abuse because my estranged husband used to do a similar thing, drinking whiskey and smoking and just putting loud music or a Netflix series on (not even watching it properly, just for the background effect. perhaps!)
It used to drive me nuts, I tried telling him how I felt about his behaviour and he promised to change his ways but he didn't (no surprises there) I mean there were a couple of instances when I really believed that he could improve and give up the vices! He did well for a little bit and we were happy but it was short-lived, and he went back to his old ways again.

I stopped trying after that and became emotionally distant. So, sweetheart unfortunately it's not totally up to you to build a successful marriage on your own without him putting in that effort. I believe you when you say that he can be a wonderful man when he's sober but under the influence, he turns into someone else, because I've been there and seen that.

No marriage can be a bed of roses all the time but focus on the things you can control, do not expect anything to change on his part in order to be happy. But if you think that you will not be happy carrying on like this without drastic measures from his side then you need to speak to him. Tell him what you want in order to go on forward with your marriage and listen to his side and show him that you're willing to work for it and ask if he is ready to do the same and then take it from there?

I hope you can resolve this or get the strength to move on without him, either way, I wish you the best!


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## Lawcher62 (9 mo ago)

You love him so leaving is hard I know as I’m the same as you right now

people only treat us how we allow them
We allow the by staying with them

mine said to me tonite he doesn’t think about spending time with me his money making is what he thinks about = 7 days a week 52 weeks a year

we both know what we have to do but it is gut wrenching awful but life’s way too short

big hugs for you


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## Gaya (8 mo ago)

kclark30 said:


> I'm having a hard time wrestling with the decision to divorce my husband. Right now it's hard for me to make a decision because I am in the relationship, I don't have an outsiders perspective. I'm a woman so maybe I am being emotional and not thinking rational. Maybe after putting it all out there you all will be screaming at me to divorce him. I need a little help with this. So here goes....(it's long)
> 
> We met online and have been together for 10 years and married for 6 years. I broke up with him 6 months after initially dating him because I wasn't a priority. He would chose his friends over me and it was only ok to be with me in the evenings when he needed...you know. It was mutual and he sort of filled my needs, but I wanted more. I wanted an actual boyfriend. So I broke it off, two months later he texts me that he misses me, wants me to be his girlfriend and he wants an actual relationship..blah, blah, blah...we end up getting back together. The relationship wasn't great, but it was ok. Our sex life slowed down. He was starting a business and needed me to do almost everything for him. He takes advantage of me because I have lots of skills to offer and he doesn't. If I ever ask him for help, he doesn't help me. I'm stuck doing it on my own. Another issue, he's a drunk. Each time he makes a fool of himself, he won't drink for a couple of weeks and then he's back at it again. I just found out about this, but he has 2 dui's on his record which he never told me about. I found out when he told a friend in front of me because he was drunk telling them...LMAO!
> 
> ...


I hear you. I have felt neglected too. It’s the most awful feeling, when you are vulnerable and the person closest to you literally denies you help. My husband has discovered he has an issue with empathy. He has just discovered it because we finally separated and that’s when he finally decides to seek professional help.
I think it’s wonderful that you can support yourself financially. I hope that your husband is serious about getting better. I hope mine is too but I am worried I can’t recover from him denying me medical help when I was very sick. (He went to bed)


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