# Is my wife "Checked Out" completely???



## fordtruckguy (Aug 22, 2012)

So here is my story...

We have been married for 11 years. Have 2 boys, 6 and 2. 

My wife can't let go of her "friend" from work that happens to be a guy. About a year and a half ago, she spent a couple nights out for beers after work with him and others from work. Ended up passed out in our hallway at 8:00 at night once, and puking on the patio the other night. This raised red flags for me, since there was quite a bit of texting going on with this guy too. She swore he was just a friend. I had big problems with all of this, so I did some privacy invasion, by checking her work email and texts on phone, and found what I believed to be some slightly flirtatious conversations. She was definitely not OK with me looking, and said that I was taking it out of context. I ended up going to therapy (by myself) to relieve the "'anxiety" I was having. She seemed to make an effort to minimize the texting, and not going out for quite some time. I thought a few months later, that all was well.

There was a sense of relief that it was all over, but we had our minor arguments about some things along the way, but all seemed well. In the last 2 months, time spent with this guy and texting has escalated again. I have no reason to believe that she is sexually cheating on me (receipts all match up to starting tab time and closing tab time for when she is gone), but i believe she is "emotionally cheating" on me. She has been going out once a week with him and his guy friends recently. She goes out after the kids are in bed, and comes home at bar closing time. A few weeks ago, I had to peel her off the patio at 2:00 in the morning cause she passed out. 

2 weeks ago, she told me that she is no longer attracted to me at all. Pretty much cant stand to be around me. She said that i have done nothing wrong, but her feelings have just changed in what she wants in life, and she has felt this way for a long time. I was devastated. And to think that she was hiding it from me all this time. Since she told me this, texting has become crazy. I am seeing 20-40 texts a day between the 2 of them on the phone bill. She doesn't think she is doing anything wrong, but she has obviously found something in this guy that I don't have. I do still believe her that she is not "sexually" cheating on me, but she doesn't realize what she is doing to me emotionally by not dropping this guy. 

Part of me is pissed at myself for "training" myself to be ok with all of this in my therapy. Maybe I could have fixed things better back then. I really didn't think there was anything wrong, since she always came home and loved me. I was completely blindsided by this. I love this girl like nothing else. Do not want to end this marriage. How do I get her to realize what she is doing to me is wrong, without pissing her off. She has been very stubborn through all of this and thinking she is doing nothing wrong. She even said if none of this "guy from work stuff" had happened, that we would still be in the same place, but I don't believe that. It has been the center off most arguments for the past year and a half. I am a pretty traditional guy, and do not believe in divorce, but fear it is in my future. She says she is relieved to not have to hide these feelings from me anymore, and has completely shut me out now. Doesn't know if she wants to try to fix the marriage. How do I get my girl back???


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

She's lying straight through her teeth that this "guy friend" has nothing to do with no longer having any feelings for you.

He has everything to do with it. She sounds like she is in a full-blown EA that just hasn't reached a PA yet.

And her going out after the kids are in bed and drinking till the wee hours of the morning with "this guy" and his guy friends? Why in the hell did you ever stand back and allow that to happen.

In my house, my husband would have said don't come back. And I wouldn't tolerate him going out with "the girls" either.

Of course this guy is more attractive. She doesn't live with him, doesn't pick up his dirty socks and do his laundry. He doesn't come attached with kids and all the responsibilities of her life. He's flirtatious, probably gives her all kinds of compliments--she's reliving her youth when things were simplier and he's saying all the right things and all of a sudden her "life" is dragging her down--HE is more attractive than anything at home.

First--you need to give her a couple of ultimatums. If she wants out, then tell her to get out, but the children stay with you. 

Flat out ask her if she wants a divorce--I know you're probably scared of the answer, but you'll never know until you ask.

Tell her you want to go to marriage counseling if she'll agree. 

If she's shut you out and wants to be single, then give her a taste of what the single life is really like. If she doesn't work, then don't feed her any $$ that isn't necessary to the house and kids. Don't peel her off the porch when she passes out--leave her there. Don't make excuses for her with the kids, don't tippy toe around her moods and don't react negatively to anything if she tries to rile you up. Don't let her run your life for you.

Put your foot down. Some guys on here can give you additional advice about Mr. Nice Guy and other strategies.

She's your wife, not some bar hopping 18 year old and she needs to start acting like it.


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## fordtruckguy (Aug 22, 2012)

I have asked her numerous times to do therapy with me, but keeps replying that she doesn't know yet.....


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

She's keeping you on the back burner just in cast the OM doesn't work out. She wants to make sure the other guy is a 100% go before she completely ditches you. But if the other guy goes bust, she's still got you there for backup.

BTW, I can and have nailed a girl at a bar and I can prove to you with receipts that I was there the entire time.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> *She's lying straight through her teeth that this "guy friend" has nothing to do with no longer having any feelings for you.*
> He has everything to do with it. She sounds like she is in a full-blown EA that just hasn't reached a PA yet.
> 
> *And her going out after the kids are in bed and drinking till the wee hours of the morning with "this guy" and his guy friends? Why in the hell did you ever stand back and allow that to happen.*
> ...


Dude : all of this post is dead on. Why would you let her hang with this guy and his pals, closing down bars? Read more here about EAs and cake eating.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

fordtruckguy said:


> I have asked her numerous times to do therapy with me, but keeps replying that she doesn't know yet.....


Then don't wait for her, give her an ultimatum.


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## fordtruckguy (Aug 22, 2012)

EAs and cake eating????? Not sure what that means.....


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

First she is not really hiding things from you. She is dating another man right in front of you.

No this is really not correct. She is hiding things from you. It is just that what she is not hiding is already cheating.

Now this post is full of buzz words. I think this could be on purpose for enterntainment value BUT, since there are guys that do actually think this way I will play along.

The privacy comment is one of those buzz words. Totally absurd of course. Then she berates you for this and you go ... to therapy because you invaded her privacy!? Well that is certainly unattractive. You should have read her the proverbial riot act for having this friend at all. You actually had evidence.

You should have shut this down from the get go. What husband is ok with his wife partying with her male friend? AND his buddies. UFB. 

Anyway, guess what? She needs to go full NC with this guy and his buddies immediatly and forever. No fond farewells or kiss good byes. No contact what so ever. She must quite her job! Yeah yeah the truck payment. Then decide which one you keep if it comes to that. She must quit immediately. 

You must verify her NC. There are no secrets in marriage. if she needs privacy with he OM then that is unfaithful and she is hiding somehting. So she must agree to full transparency.

Some folks will tell you, you need more evidence. Every hour you wait the worse this gets. Maybe, just maybe she has not gone physical with this guy and / or his buddies. If this is the case you must take action now.

You should go visit a lawyer and find out what your options are because to save your marriage you are going to have to man up and get serious about separating your wife from her OM.

The affair must stop. She has to go through withdrawal and then and only then can you work on the marriage.

Be prepared to find out this is way way worse than you have imagined.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

fordtruckguy said:


> I have asked her numerous times to do therapy with me, but keeps replying that she doesn't know yet.....


Why should she. She has her cake and is eating it too.

She has a drinking buddy / lover and a husband to stay home and watch her kids. Sweet.

Your inaction, conflict avoidance and fear of being a man about this is unattractive to her.

Take action. This cannot go on another minute.

BTW where is she now?


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> First she is not really hiding things from you. She is dating another man right in front of you.
> 
> No this is really not correct. She is hiding things from you. It is just that what she is not hiding is already cheating.
> 
> ...


OP listen to the man he knows this stuff


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

You said that your a 'pretty traditional guy' and don't believe in divorce. The problem is you weren't behaving like a traditional guy when you were allowing her to date this guy. Do what's best for yourself and your kids.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Your wife is f*cking the other guy. She is lying to you. Stop being in denial. Looks very unattractive!!!

Your wife checking out has everything to do with this guy. So being so clingy and desperate. Have some self respect. This is the exact reason she thinks she can get away even after treating you worse that sh!t


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Your wife is f*cking the other guy. She is lying to you. Stop being in denial. Looks very unattractive!!!
> 
> Your wife checking out has everything to do with this guy. So being so clingy and desperate. Have some self respect. This is the exact reason she thinks she can get away even after treating you worse that sh!t


Warlock don't hold back. What do you really think?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Well the guy is in so much denial...


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Hey Truck dude let me break it down for you in terms I think you will understand. Quite being a Pu$$y.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Infidelity for some people can be forgiven.

Abandoning her children for sex cannot be forgiven.

Kick her ass out.

Only way to knock her out of her fog is to let reality in punch her in the face.

In her fog shes in lala land where nothing she ever does is wrong, and the OM is some magical man who will NEVER come equipped with any responsibilites

If you try to 'be the nice guy'(and look where that got you) she'll use you as her babysitter and him for her sex, and get deeper into the affair. The deeper in they are, the harder it is to get them out. 

If you want your marriage to have any chance at surviving, ALL CONTACT MUST BE CUT WITH OM!

You cannot get through this or even get reconciliation on the table is she is still texting and seeing him. 

When she sees the reality of her situation as a future divorcee(living with OM, abandoning children, paying you child support, etc.), her fog may lift, and then you can go from there. 

And so many OMs drop their affair partners like hot rocks when it gets serious.


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## <3 my hubs! (Aug 22, 2012)

I dont know what your spiritual life is like...but you should read the book "The Love Dare" (the movie "Fireproof" is pared with it) Dont even tell her your reading it or taking on the challenge it gives you. Just see what happens...it has saved so many marriages that were way more off track then you think yours is. If you really value your marriage its worth a try!! I really hope things work out with you both! 

Here is a link to the book:
Amazon.com: The Love Dare (9780805448856): Stephen Kendrick, Alex Kendrick: Books


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Trucker,

You've gotten solid advice here. Follow it

I too would be surprised if this relation hasn't already gone physical. Haven't you ever gotten a BJ in the back of a car?

You should confront now and tell her it's either you or them. If she chooses them, tell her she needs to leave the marital home now. 

If she doesn't leave the home, the next time she passes out somewhere, call 911 and have them come get her. This type of evidence may be helpful when it comes to custody

Also, if she stays in the house, seperate finances right away. Remove your name from any joint credit cards and bank accounts. Set-up bank accounts with only your name on them and move half (no more) of your joint assets into that account(s). Then tell her you expect that she'll pay half of all the household and child rearing expenses from this point on (mortage, kids clothes, food)

Let her find out what it's like having to live her life on just her paycheck.

Also buy your self a voice activated recorder or two. Place one under the front seat of her car with heavy duty velcro. Cheaters are very comfortable talking in their cars. You can use this evidence to expose her to her family and the family of the OM


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Don't keep it a secret - that works in her favor. Let others know and at the very least talk to a lawyer. I know you don't want acdivorce - but you're living a bit of a fantasy life right now - you only "THINK" you have a wife. At present you have a roomie you provide shelter, food, and baby sitting service. Sorry my brother, your fear of an uncertain future is clouding your view of the reality you're currently in. Move forward the pain will fade.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Yoe don't want a divorce great.

She probably knows this as well.

Then how do you propose that she gets a wake up call if you don't have this on the table?

I hope by now you have looked through this site and know what cake eating is. Look it up, thats whats going on


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Talk to a lawyer NOW, and spring it on her. Tell her she has two choices...

1) Divorce, you are taking the kids, and she is getting nothing (doesn't matter that this isn't exactly true, but she needs a good verbal slap to the face to bring her back to reality).

2) ALL CONTACT STOPS, no more going out with this guy, no more text messages, NOTHING!

This is a long read but it is what got me more on the path to fixing the shxt that was ruining my marriage, my situation was VERY much like yours:



> *Dr. David Clark, When Your Spouse Says “I Do Love You Anymore”*
> 
> When one spouse goes to the other and says “I don’t love you anymore”. Nearly all the time there is some serious secrecy going on by the spouse who says that, and they’ve drifted from where they should have been in the relationship. They’ve done something wrong, and rather than working on the relationship, they are done with the relationship. Anyone can learn to love again, and learn to love more than before, but if another person is in the picture, that is never going to happen.
> 
> ...


In a nutshell, the whole "I feel differently about you because (insert whatever)" is total [email protected] the truth?

"I feel differently about you right now because I've gone outside of the marriage and I'm like a stupid giddy schoolgirl gushing over this new man I found!!!"

That's the truth, plain and simple. Your wife needs a strong kick back to reality, you both have young kids together, you want this to work, but as crazy as it sounds, the only thing you can do is prepare yourself for this NOT to work. You will NOT fix this, it is not up to you, but you can force her hand.

Don't be like me man, I put up with it for 18 months before I finally put my foot down, I was ready to go in to get a divorce and somehow that finally started to heal things in my marriage. The fact is, it could go the other way with you, and if it does, you have to realize you do not NEED her, you can get along without her, and then tell yourself she was not the type of person you or any other guy should be with.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, your wife did not lose her attraction to you out of the blue. Basically, she fell for some slick advertising and mfg rebates in order to become a "Chevy Truck Girl"... Now that you understand what is really going on, you need to let her know that 1) It is a privilege to ride in a Ford, and that if you don't treat the Ford with the love and respect it deserves, you will have to suffer with driving the crap Chevy's for the rest of her life. 2) Let her know that Ford makes the best trucks, and that while she is continuing her infatuation with the Chevy brand, you can continue to make your Ford truck even better than it already is by boring out the engine block, getting new headers, etc. 

Do you get it now?


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Right now she is in a haze of excitement, danger, and feeling like she is a kid again. She probably views you as a father figure for trying to "ground" her like a dad would do with a crazy daughter. 

This dude is making her feel sexy and wanted. It's all new and so exciting that she doesn't see that NONE OF IT IS REAL! Eventually, this affair is going to either fizzle or escalate. If it goes full on physical, she may be on cloud nine for a little while, but she will feel "empty" after awhile. This guy doesn't LOVE her, he wants to BANG her. He's a creep! To her he is riding a white horse, in real life, he is driving a beat up Buick with no hubcaps, rusted out paint, and no muffler. 

One day she is going to wake up for fall on her face, look around and not recognize her life. She will immediately want to turn to YOU, but you may not be there anymore. 

Leave her in her own sick. Let her sleep in the rain on the patio. Stop cleaning up her messes. I know it's hard, especially with children. You don't want the kids to see their mom drunk off her arse, you need to protect them first. She certainly isn't worried about their welfare as her actions SCREAM OUT. 

This is not going to end well for her.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

You both should be in marriage counseling. I wouldn't go back to the therapist that helped you be okay with all the texting.


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