# Why She Stopped Her Diet



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

My wife started a new diet a bit ago with pretty good success. She cut back on snacks and servings, and increased her exercise. She lost 20 lbs. in a little over two months, where the losses were in smaller, but steady amounts (1-3 pounds per week). All this was without prompting or comments from me, other than once she started, I adopted some of the changes as well. For reasons I don’t know, she then decided to stop her diet even though she had farther to go to reach her goal, though she has maintained the exercise.

I love my wife and am attracted to her. Her weight has not been an issue, beyond me wanting her to be healthy so we can to a ripe old age together. But I also realize it has to be her decision, so I have never said anything.

But I am really curious why she stopped. I don’t understand, particularly because she was making such good steady progress. I want to ask her, but don’t want it to be interpreted as me being dissatisfied with how she looks or what she weighs. I want her to be happy with herself and with our marriage. Is asking sending that message?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Just ask her why she stopped, say you are curious.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Compliment her first on the changes and the results then transition to your question. 

How many more pounds do you think she wanted to lose or needs to lose?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Did she make an announcement that she was stopping her diet?

Or are you saying that because you have just noticed she wasn't doing as much portion control? Or did she start eating junk food again?

Just wondering how it came out that she actually stopped the diet.

.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> Did she make an announcement that she was stopping her diet?
> 
> Or are you saying that because you have just noticed she wasn't doing as much portion control? Or did she start eating junk food again?
> 
> ...


The latter. Her snacks went from fruits and vegetables back to cheese and crackers, for example. She started back with an occasional desert. She also started taking a second helping.

Nothing outlandish and I don't see that she has gained weight. I have not asked, but suspect that she is maintaining what she lost.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Coffee Amore said:


> Compliment her first on the changes and the results then transition to your question.
> 
> How many more pounds do you think she wanted to lose or needs to lose?


She did not tell me specifically (she has been very sensitive about letting me know how much she does weigh), but based on conversations during that time, I would guess that she had another 40 lbs to go.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Weight usually comes off more easily in the beginning and then slows. She may have gotten discouraged it isn't faster. Or she's just tired of the whole thing. I wouldn't mention it.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Just ask her why she stopped, say you are curious.


It may well be that simple. 

I have questioned doing this because I know it is a huge sensitivity for her from childhood. Her brother has a very clear weight problem, yet her parents never said a word when he would stuff his face. Yet she would grab a desert when she was pregnant and there would be a comment.

So maybe I am over thinking it but I don't want to do add to that crap.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

She stopped her diet because chocolate tastes so damn good.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

lenzi said:


> She stopped her diet because chocolate tastes so damn good.


:lol:

Actually, had you said soft cheeses (particularly brie), I would have agreed. She has kind of quit eating much chocolate.


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## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

What was her motivation for dieting to begin with? That might give all of us some clues. 

Are both of you pretty "even" now (Body Mass Index)? Maybe she just did it to get you to exercise more, and she met her real goal  (I'm kidding!)

I know someone who started a diet with his girlfriend. They both started losing weight, but he was also exercising and started losing weight faster. Not too far in she decided to quit the diet. She started saying things like, "Honey, I love you just the way you are -- you don't have to keep with it." I believe that subconsciously she feared he would greatly surpass her fitness level and she was afraid if he did, he might start looking around for other options (or being hit on, etc.). I think she was subconsciously trying to protect their relationship because she felt intimidated by his strong desire to really "go all the way" and "get in shape", fearing that she wasn't going to be able to "get that far".

It could also be that she was motivated more when she was doing it by herself. It was "her thing". When you joined in, it was no longer just "her thing", and she didn't feel as challenged. This is sort of like when you were practicing at some sport as a kid and then someone a bit more skilled comes along and wants to practice with you. Either you will be motivated to get better, or you will lose interest because the other person is more advanced and you don't feel you can really compete with him/her.

I'm just shooting from the hip here...


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

eyuop said:


> What was her motivation for dieting to begin with? That might give all of us some clues.


She did not like how she looked and wanted to get back to closer to when we were married. 



> It could also be that she was motivated more when she was doing it by herself. It was "her thing". When you joined in, it was no longer just "her thing", and she didn't feel as challenged. This is sort of like when you were practicing at some sport as a kid and then someone a bit more skilled comes along and wants to practice with you. Either you will be motivated to get better, or you will lose interest because the other person is more advanced and you don't feel you can really compete with him/her.


Interesting. I did start going to the gym shortly after she did. My weight is not an issue, but I did want to add some muscle (or at least keep what I have) now that I am over 40. So perhaps that discouraged her? I hope not (it certainly was not my intent). I did compliment her on her progress, particularly when she hit different points (10 lbs, then 15) and was so excited. I was happy for her because she seemed very happy about how she was going.

Maybe I just need to ask the question.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

So, last year I lost 30 pounds by exercising everyday and eating healthier. I received many compliments on how good I looked but IT ALL CAME FROM OTHER PEOPLE, not from my husband. Now it's a year later and I'm at a stand still, I just can't get motivated to do anything.

I guess my question is, did you compliment her?

ETA: There's more to it than just the compliments but I didn't want to thread-jack.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

soccermom2three said:


> So, last year I lost 30 pounds by exercising everyday and eating healthier. I received many compliments on how good I looked but IT ALL CAME FROM OTHER PEOPLE, not from my husband. Now it's a year later and I'm at a stand still, I just can't get motivated to do anything.
> 
> I guess my question is, did you compliment her?
> 
> ETA: There's more to it than just the compliments but I didn't want to thread-jack.


Congrats on the weight loss.

I did try and compliment her. I noted how she was/is looking great, seems happier and more energetic. Noting that she could not wear a pair of pants because they were too big, all with a big grin on my face. Pointed out that from her clothes, I could tell she had lost weight. Told her what a great job she was doing.

Maybe I did not do it enough? I hate fake compliments, so I try to be sincere, but also not all the time, or over the top. Once a day, or when she came back from the gym, but not all the time. Perhaps I should have done more.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Dieting sucks that's why she stopped. Lol

Food is my drug (I am an emotional eater) so I struggle with diets.

I do it because I fear not being loved if I don't.


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## Air Texas (May 30, 2013)

My vote: as nicely as possible... Tell her shes doing great and ask her about her goal. 

That way you compliment her and at the same time are asking about progress.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

eyuop said:


> What was her motivation for dieting to begin with? That might give all of us some clues.
> 
> Are both of you pretty "even" now (Body Mass Index)? Maybe she just did it to get you to exercise more, and she met her real goal  (I'm kidding!)
> 
> ...


This is exactly what my STBW said to me not long ago when she started to notice that I am getting in better shape than she is. She still looks fantastic at 5'5" 130, but is very self conscious.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Trenton said:


> Instead, why not try seeing if she'd be open to fun ways to get healthy foods into your diet together. Like trying one new healthy recipe together each week. It's together time, the food will taste good and you'll help silence that negative internal voice that tells her she's missing out on all the good foods.


We have been doing some of that. Walking to the farmer's market together to buy fresh produce and incorporate it into meals. We also have worked on our garden together.



> Also, can you suggest doing fun outdoor activities together?


That has been the one real positive carry over from when she started the diet. I am the one that would sit around, so when she started, she suggested these types of things. I agreed (in large part because she was absolutely correct that we need to do it for ourselves, as well as set a good example for our kids). We have kept that up, though I think I will suggests some walks for just the two of us. Exercise with the added bonus of couple's time.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Trenton said:


> It's possible she just needs a break from the dieting. I think this is pretty common. I'd consider not commenting on her food intake because you will just add negatively to what is most likely an internal struggle for her already.


As I noted in another post, there is a lot of crap related to this whole thing. Add to it that my family is naturally thin. She was when we first met, but after three kids, it has been a struggle, and it does not come naturally based on her family.

Heck, I don't know. Maybe me going to the gym made her fed her insecurities. I hate that she sometime can't see how awesome she is and why I want to be with her. Family can be grand.:slap:


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Maybe she was hungry all the time. And unsatisfied...when you snack on veggies it really isn't the same thing as snacking on chips or cookies.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Trenton said:


> Sounds like you're doing everything right. I would highly recommend trying to avoid coming off negative, judgmental or suspect in her mind by accident even if you're really just curious or disappointed that she's sliding backwards.
> 
> Feeling supported and accepted and as if weight is her choice rather than a mandatory part of your relationship is most likely more important to her than you know. So being positive and asking without any type of judgement type words would be best.


Thanks. I think it probably makes sense to just not raise it. I will keep doing the other things and do what I can to make clear that her weight does not matter.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

This topic is very near and dear to me. Hubs is naturally slender - as in has to eat 4 - 6k calories a day to maintain. 

My parents are grossly obese. I'm not being mean, just direct and honest. 

We married when I was 29 years old. While I was a mom to two girls, my figure was still pretty darned good. Over the course of 5 - 7 years, I put on 45lbs and learned to hate the way I looked.

I lost most of it and then donated a kidney and got pregnant at age 39. So, my weight creeped up (just a little, not all of it) and now I have two abdominal surgery scars that don't look very pretty. 

Hub is extremely supportive and sweet and sometimes, without meaning to, he'll make a comment that really cuts to the bone. Most of the time, I just brush it off and let it go. Other times, I find myself in tears in the bathroom trying to recover without him realizing he hurt me.

Start with complimenting her, talk about how great she looks and how amazing the weight loss has been. Maybe even take her shopping for something sexy to wear for you - a private show. Do that for a while and see. It's likely that may kick start her progress again without going to a place that may unintentionally hurt her.


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## psychedelicately (Jun 11, 2013)

My motivation seems to come in phases. I'll have a bad month here and there (which usually directly correlates with how stressed I am) and then have a couple of good months. I've had several 'bad months' during this time but I've now lost 42 lbs since last October. I imagine it will take me at least until the end of the year to reach my goal (20 more lbs). It's a slow process. Has anything stressful been going on?

It's good that she is still exercising, though. That means she hasn't given up. I am much better about consistent exercise than I am with my diet.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I'm currently on a weight loss journey myself (28 lbs since January) so, here's some thoughts:

- She might be eating the right amount of calories for weight loss but her choices might not be filling enough, leaving her hungry. Particularly if she also has bumped up exercise. 

Adding more protein can really make the difference, in my experience. And as I'm on medication that makes eating a really heavy breakfast (eggs) except on occasion a nauseating experience, for me its nuts/yogurt or a protein shake. 

- Is it "that" time? I have more intense cravings on a cyclical basis, if you get my meaning. So I make sure to plan the day's meal accordingly so I have the calories left for a treat, generally dark chocolate (better quality is more satisfying.)

- Have you changed your eating habits with her, or are there still a lot of snacks around the house? For me, I had to get all of it out the house entirely and Mr now has a plastic tub of snacks in his car to have at work.


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## Cora28 (Apr 30, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Congrats on the weight loss.
> 
> I did try and compliment her. I noted how she was/is looking great, seems happier and more energetic. Noting that she could not wear a pair of pants because they were too big, all with a big grin on my face. Pointed out that from her clothes, I could tell she had lost weight. Told her what a great job she was doing.
> 
> Maybe I did not do it enough? I hate fake compliments, so I try to be sincere, but also not all the time, or over the top. Once a day, or when she came back from the gym, but not all the time. Perhaps I should have done more.


How did she react when you complimented her? 

Im wondering if she was hoping to get something more out of losing weight or whether she has simply had enough of dieting. What I mean is sometimes certain times of the month can make us women feel low and demotivated. It may actually not be you at all  It sounds as though you´ve encouraged her but maybe you need to _show_ her, i.e. ravage her new body


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She probably missed just being "Free to eat" what she wanted....fruit and veggies only go so far with me. I like me some cheese and crackers too!

BUT

Moderation. She can totally have both...

If a 'diet' deprives you of something, you won't stick to it.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Cora28 said:


> How did she react when you complimented her?
> 
> Im wondering if she was hoping to get something more out of losing weight or whether she has simply had enough of dieting. What I mean is sometimes certain times of the month can make us women feel low and demotivated. It may actually not be you at all  It sounds as though you´ve encouraged her but maybe you need to _show_ her, i.e. ravage her new body


I think this is kind of where I was going with my post above but I didn't want to make this post about me. 

In my marriage, we don't do anything together without the kids unless I plan it. He makes no plans for just us, no date nights, no weekends without kids. I was beginning to think that maybe he didn't want to be seen with me. I wasn't obese but I had weight to lose, which was really hard to do after having my 3rd kid one week shy of 41. He has never given me a hard time about my weight but he has made it pretty clear what he thinks about fat people. Also, even though we have sex 2-3 times a week it's not very passionate. I feel like I'm enthusiastic but for him he's just gettng off most of the time.

I guess I thought if I lost the weight things would change. That he would be way more into me. It hasn't happened. So I think that's why stopped. I know my attitude should be that exercise should be for me, I know that and I actually like to do it but my head is just not in it. (Sorry for the threadjack, I've been having a bad week, been thinking about my marriage a lot.)


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Cora28 said:


> How did she react when you complimented her?


She seemed pleased. Her natural tendency is to deflect compliments about her appearance, but she did accept them on occasion, especially as the weight kept dropping.



> Im wondering if she was hoping to get something more out of losing weight or whether she has simply had enough of dieting. What I mean is sometimes certain times of the month can make us women feel low and demotivated. It may actually not be you at all  It sounds as though you´ve encouraged her but maybe you need to _show_ her, i.e. ravage her new body


Well, we did get to do some ravaging, and actually continue to do so.

Even with stopping, she has continued to be more confident sexually. More initiating, more accepting when I initiate, more enthusiastic about it overall.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

psychedelicately said:


> My motivation seems to come in phases. I'll have a bad month here and there (which usually directly correlates with how stressed I am) and then have a couple of good months. I've had several 'bad months' during this time but I've now lost 42 lbs since last October. I imagine it will take me at least until the end of the year to reach my goal (20 more lbs). It's a slow process. Has anything stressful been going on?
> 
> It's good that she is still exercising, though. That means she hasn't given up. I am much better about consistent exercise than I am with my diet.


While she started for herself, she also did it because we were going on a family cruise. Looking back, she seemed to stop about 3-4 weeks prior to us going. Perhaps she got as far as she felt she could? 

Interestingly, she started talking this weekend (without me prompting) about cutting back a bit more and getting to exercise class more now that the kids are back in school. Sp perhaps it is just a stage thing.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

It could be something as simple as she realized that all the changes she'd made weren't going to sustainable for the long-term. Sure, I can go two months without eating any ice cream or cheese or butter. But I'm not willing to never eat those things again in my life. So, after that first few months of strict eating (aided in no small measure by the my-husband-has-a-girlfriend-diet), I began adding back in small portions of foods I enjoyed. I also started sometimes having a second helping of a favorite food. I still watch my portions and eat in moderation, but I'm not "I'm on a diet!!!!" crazy about it. Some days I eat more, some days I eat less. Some weeks I'll eat ice cream three times, some weeks not at all. What's important is that my overall diet is pretty healthy and is sustainable for the long term.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

soccermom2three said:


> I think this is kind of where I was going with my post above but I didn't want to make this post about me.
> 
> In my marriage, we don't do anything together without the kids unless I plan it. He makes no plans for just us, no date nights, no weekends without kids. I was beginning to think that maybe he didn't want to be seen with me. I wasn't obese but I had weight to lose, which was really hard to do after having my 3rd kid one week shy of 41. He has never given me a hard time about my weight but he has made it pretty clear what he thinks about fat people. Also, even though we have sex 2-3 times a week it's not very passionate. I feel like I'm enthusiastic but for him he's just gettng off most of the time.
> 
> I guess I thought if I lost the weight things would change. That he would be way more into me. It hasn't happened. So I think that's why stopped. I know my attitude should be that exercise should be for me, I know that and I actually like to do it but my head is just not in it. (Sorry for the threadjack, I've been having a bad week, been thinking about my marriage a lot.)


No problem. I am sorry you are at this place. 

I think we have been good about just us time, although the last month or so has been bad, with the only time away from the kids involving a dinner with my parents. Before that we had a date night a minimum of once a month, but almost always more. Weekends away are tough, but we got one of those in back in April.

Even when we are out with the kids, I try to show her that I love being with her. We hold hands (which my nine year old daughter simultaneously hates and loves, because it embarrasses her but is sweet). I know it is not all that popular, but one item I picked up from MMSL is to pull her to me and give her a real kiss when we are out, such as waiting to cross the street. That really seems to do it for her.

As I noted, she is making comments like she is starting things up again, so I think I will let it be for now. Thanks all for your thoughts and suggestions.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

She stopped because the alternative foods were not as good as the previous foods whether they are junk or just higher in calorie/fats/saturated fats. It's so easy to get off board the diet train once you take that first bite of the previous food you quit, it leads to going back to old habits.

Eating right 24/7 is not easy, especially every month when your hormones change and you crave the chocolate or whatever foods are comforting during PMS time.

My husband doesn't understand why I veer off course either. I can't exercise much anymore since I have a permanent injury. Losing weight is not easy, but doing so and staying thin is a life long commitment.

Good luck to you and your wife.


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## WellyVamp (Apr 26, 2013)

It's normal for women to feel hungier at that time of the month. A lot of women get water retention too, which can cause bloating. It happens to me, but settles down afterwards. The bloating and weight gain happens before every period, regardless of what I eat or how much I exercise. 

But, back to your wife...If someone's diet is too strict, this can cause overeating after a while. It's a physical and psychological issue. Your mind and body rebel!

Also, I have dieted before and become complacent as I've started to lose weight. It's easy to fall into that trap. It's almost as though you don't feel the same urgency, so it's easy to eat more. 

It's also normal for people's weight to fluctuate. We live in a part of the world where food is plentiful. Instead of worrying about getting enough to eat, we have to worry about eating too much. A lot of people will go through a phase where they eat more than usual, they gain a couple of pounds and then cut out the high calorie food again. 

Last of all, if someone wants to lose weight and keep it off, it requires a whole lifestyle change. Diets are a short term solution.

For what it's worth soccermom2three, I lost about 15 pounds and went on a fitness kick. My partner has never once said that I look better for it. He has never complimented me on it and it hasn't made one jot of difference. You have to do it because _you_ want to do it.


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## psychedelicately (Jun 11, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> While she started for herself, she also did it because we were going on a family cruise. Looking back, she seemed to stop about 3-4 weeks prior to us going. Perhaps she got as far as she felt she could?
> 
> Interestingly, she started talking this weekend (without me prompting) about cutting back a bit more and getting to exercise class more now that the kids are back in school. Sp perhaps it is just a stage thing.


Maybe she reached the goal she had set for herself? It sounds like she is still interested since she's bringing it up with you. When it's a lifestyle change as opposed to just trying to lose weight I think it will always go in phases. It's nearly impossible to ALWAYS eat healthy, for me at least. I have one treat and I just know it's all over for the next week.

Compliments are really motivating for me. When my husband remarks on my weight loss, it always inspires me to go exercise or eat healthier so I don't undo any of my progress. Also, I really wish my husband was interested in eating healthy/exercising with me. He has a sweet tooth (it's bad) and I often just can't resist the things he brings home. Sometimes I can get him to go for walks with me but it's rare.


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