# Toolforgrowth's blog thread / can't make sense of STBXW's actions



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

So this is my story. I've been posting here a while, but it's been over a few different threads and I thought I'd get it all down in one. The main purpose of this thread is to express my utter lack of understanding of my stbxw's actions. I just don't get it, as they don't make any sense. But first, some backstory.*

Together 7 years, married 5. She has a daughter from a previous marriage we raised together for most of her life, and we also have a 4 year old daughter together. Things were ok throughout our marriage, sometimes good, but usually rather difficult. But she would always show little bits of action that showed she loved me. I worked while she tried all kinds of "schemes" as I called them; PartyLite, Cookie Lee, running a day care out of our house, and lastly real estate. Nothing panned out. I was working full time jobs I hated, typically overtime, to help make ends meet during those times. I always bought her what she wanted while what I wanted was always on the backburner. She was in charge of the money, and didn't do very well at it.

Our sex life wasn't great, but not bad either (although there were times where once a week was fortunate, this was after the birth of our 4 year old). She wasn't very adventurous. We both got out of shape and somewhat depressed. We both smoked a lot of pot at the time. I played a lot of video games, she watched a lot of tv. The house was usually a mess.*

After about 3 years of that, we both decided to get in shape, so we started working out. We both felt better about ourselves. She then expressed a desire to maybe swing; I went along with it. We tried it once, wasn't great. By this time she was working full time for a state agency. While she was there, she met a man in an open marriage and really got into him. She encouraged me to find a woman too. The warning signs were there, but I said "not my wife." She kept pressing the issue with me, and one day I said "Enough. I'm done with this, it makes me uncomfortable." That night I got the ILYBINILWY speech. We tried to work things out after a one night separation. A couple weeks later I still felt...off. So I snooped in her emails and saw conversations between her and the OM. I said "I'm done." She seemed fine with it. Later that nigh I tried to get her to reason with me, but she wouldn't. Too deep in the fog. So we separated. She left with the kids that night. This was in mid January.*

For the next 2-3 months, I did everything you're not supposed to do: begged, pleaded, called, texted, admitted blame for everything...yeah. Wasn't good. I started IC in February. After one Sunday of texting her all day, I finally asked myself "Why am I doing this? What is so compelling about her?" And I answered "Nothing. This is all based on my fear of being alone."

That changed everything. I still held out hope, but I began to view life differently. The tone of our conversations changed. She started to like texting me. It was nice for a while. But I began to get tired of limbo. I said I need us to go to counseling or to divorce. She said I needed to learn to love without her, and without the idea that we are going to make things work. So I said then it's time to divorce. And I never looked back.*

I tried to get her to cooperate, but she wouldn't. She wouldn't give me info I needed to file. She kept delaying and stalling. I had begun the 180 by this point. Finally after about 2 weeks of that, I told her "give me the info or I will file with what I have by Friday." She then filed before me by a couple days. I was fine with it. I laughed when I got served the papers. She emailed me at 11:10 that night basically saying "There's no need for you to file now." I waited 3 days to respond, which according to a mutual friend who works with her, said "freaked her out."

Later on learn she is pawning off the kids on her weekends with friends and family and certain worknights. Now the picture falls into place. I send her my parenting plan asking for more time with the kids. She replies and basically accuses me of going out and "sowing my wild oats." According to my friend, she thought I was seeing a female friend of mine, which I never have. We are friends, nothing more. I reply saying what I do in my free time does not affect my time with the kids, and based on her behavior of not having the kids on her weekends I could easily accuse her of the same thing. She got real nice real quick.*

She said she would agree to it. I talked to her little brother who confirms she is sleeping with OM. I had been making so much progress, and that knocked me off my feet for a bit. Hard. I became depressed again. Thank GOD for IC. I confront her via text telling her i know about OM and i need to know where our daughter is during that time. She tried ti deflect but i kept at it. I finally get her to agree ro my parenting plan. Two days later I get served a status quo order. She claimed she agreed under "emotional duress."

After that I went dark. She would text or email, I ignored. unless it pertained to our children, I maintained NC. By this time I was beyond pissed. She looked guilty the first time I saw her in person after DD...really guilty. I smiled in her face. I lawyered up and hit her hard, with equitable division of assets and debts in my response to her petition. We had that all figured out, but not anymore. For 2 months we didn't email or text. It was dead silence, and I loved it.*

About 3 weeks ago she hit me with a child support order. I've been laying $250/month since we separated; not much but since I'm now making the mortgage payment all on my own, it's all I can afford. My friend at her work told me she is doing this to get me to sell the house. It makes no sense, since she doesn't want it and the house is underwater. As a former realtor she knows all this. In mediation she tried to keep me from having as much time with my daughter as I wanted.*

In the beginning she said she wanted this to me amicable. But her actions now show the exact opposite. She wanted me to move on, so I did. I have no desire to R. I'm living without her, like she wanted. But she keeps escalating re situation. I have no idea why. I can't understand her decisions. One minute she is nice, the next she is a total *****. She is all over the place. My friend at her work says she is quiet, doesn't talk much, keeps to herself, and isn't like her old self at all. I have no idea what to think of this.*

Am I the only one who's had a WAW do crazy things like his? I can't understand why she's resisting me giving her what she wanted.*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

The only conclusion I can come to is that she doesn't want me but doesn't want anyone else to have me either. Why else would she care if I was seeing someone...at the very same time she was sleeping with OM. When i told her I'm reedy to divorce she sent me an email saying "I'm sorry things are going this way, I thought we were doing a good job of reconnecting, I'm sad that this is happening, I hole you find what you're looking for, blah blah blah." That was the beginning of my 180...I never responded to it.

I didn't start seeing someone until after I found out out the OM. I had remained faithful. But there was a woman I had been chatting with on Facebook for a while that I used to know in high school who expressed interest. Once I got confirmation of the OM, I no longer held back. I didn't jump into her arms, but I no longer kept the distance. We started seeing each other a month ago. To my knowledge, STBXW does not know about her. I plan on keeping it that way for a while. 

At this point I believe she suspects there is an OW, especially since I know about the OM. I'm cold, distant, aloof, and I treat her like a piece of furniture. Ever since I decided to divorce the fangs have been out. It's what she wanted!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

She wants you to fail because she no longer has control over you.


----------



## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

What is a status quo order and how does that affect your situation?


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

TFG,

What was her childhood like?


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

A status quo order is essentially a temporary parenting plan. It's an injunction by the court that says "Parent A typically has the child for X amount of time, Parent B for Y amount of time. Each parent is bound by those time frames in the meantime. The STBXW filed it, and was signed same day. Judges in my state rubber stamp them. No reasons for it are required. They actually like them because they forbid either parent from fleeing the state with the children. 

Her childhood was tumultuous. Dad is an alcoholic. Grew up poor. Dad would hit and get violent. She's got daddy issues, won't speak to him at all anymore and hasn't for years. She was almost 29 and OM is 44. She's always been on the lookout for a guy...thought it was me but apparently not. Had no boundaries from either parent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

toolforgrowth said:


> A status quo order is essentially a temporary parenting plan. It's an injunction by the court that says "Parent A typically has the child for X amount of time, Parent B for Y amount of time. Each parent is bound by those time frames in the meantime. The STBXW filed it, and was signed same day. Judges in my state rubber stamp them. No reasons for it are required. They actually like them because they forbid either parent from fleeing the state with the children.
> 
> Her childhood was tumultuous. Dad is an alcoholic. Grew up poor. Dad would hit and get violent. She's got daddy issues, won't speak to him at all anymore and hasn't for years. She was almost 29 and OM is 44. She's always been on the lookout for a guy...thought it was me but apparently not. Had no boundaries from either parent.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She acts like it.

Emotionally broken people usually suffer from some combination of PTSD and a personality disorder.

This makes it extraordinarily difficult for them to take responsibility for their actions (which leads to blameshifting) as they are literally afraid of harsh punishment if admitting a mistake. Their right brain/subconscious warns them that harsh punishment is coming - as it often has when they've screwed up.

All her relationships will be this way until she addresses it.

Deep down she is very very angry.

And, you are the recipient of those emotions. The anger "understudy" who now plays the leading role.


----------



## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Is the OM still the swinger ??


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

Dunno, don't care. All I want is for her to go away. I blocked her on FB months ago, I don't ask about her, I do no snooping.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

That makes perfect sense Conrad. 

During our first mediation session she came out with guns blazing, essentially blaming me for everything. Thankfully the mediator got her to calm down. By the end, I was in control. I was calm, collected, but firm and confident. I looked her right in the eye and flat out told her she would have to provide me a reason as to why I should accept a lower amount of parenting time in the summer than what judges in my state typically award. She couldn't do it. I got nothing but silence from her, and she looked rather chastised and looked down at the table. One thing we did agree on was the holiday schedule, thankfully. 

Here's where it gets interesting. On our way out going down the stairs, very meekly she says "Would you like to have daughter on the 4th of July? I'm sure she'd like seeing her cousins." I said yes, thank you. Then she says "Would you like to have stepdaughter too?" I look at her and say "I'll take daughter." then she says "I don't have any plans."

I'm like...what? I looked right at her and flat out said "I don't care if you have plans. I don't want to make decisions that involve stepdaughter without including her in the discussion first." STBXW did not look happy, she looked defeated. There was some satisfaction there. Then she asked if my mom could watch daughter next Thursday since our day care provider will be on vacation. I said I'll ask. 

Later that night I ask my mom, but she said no since her and my sad will be camping next week. I then tell her STBXW offered up daughter for the 4th. She said "Don't take her, it's outside the terms I the status quo order." That brought me up short...I didn't think of that. I could be held in contempt of court. 

The next morning she texts me around 8:30. She says "Hi. Did your mom get back to you about the 5th? I talked to our old babysitter and she can babysit for me if I need her." I wait over 2 hours before responding that my folks will be out of town, and while I would love to have daughter I've done some research and found that I could be held in contempt of court for having her outside the terms of the order, but if she would consider rescinding the order I could have he on the 4th and I would also take that Thursday off to watch her. This is the response I get about 20 minutes later: "I received your email. I was able to make other arrangements for daycare next week so you need not concern yourself. Have a nice day"

I laughed. Hard. Naturally I didn't respond. She can't have it both ways and use the order to keep me from my daughter when it suits her, and her ignore it when it also suits her. No. I don't trust her one bit. The order binds us both. She can rescind it or deal with the terms as she specifically set forth.

It feels so good to be in control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Pure manipulation. Be glad you are in the final stages of dealing with this monster. I'm in a similar situation.


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

To what end? Just to be manipulative?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

They crave the feeling of having power of us. They MUST have it. To get it back, they'll do all kinds of things. When they sense we are breaking the chains, they'll act like children and kick and scream crazy.


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

toolforgrowth said:


> To what end?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


They don't know. They have never seen a true ending, and they don't have the ability to stop. It's exactly like your codependency. It's an addiction. They will keep it up as long as it gives them the high.


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

I can see how both are logical. She was always in control when we were together. But I've done a good job of wresting control of my life away from her these past few months, and she certainly has put up a fight. I honestly don't think even she knows why she's doing it, she just has to. 

I don't feel that PULL when I'm in the same room with her anymore. There's nothing that keeps me attached. She has pretty big mood swings, one moment she's angry and confrontational, the next she's downcast and acquiescent. It's like she's trying different tactics against my consistent calm and distance, and nothing is working. It almost feels like she's grasping at straws.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

This sounds exactly like my stbxw. Has she accused you of being the one who is manipulative and controlling yet?


----------



## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

wow. she sounds like a nightmare. im sorry you and your daughters are going through this. is there any way through the courts she could get mandated therapy? if she's that loopy, i'd be nervous to have her as the primary caregiver to your child.


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> This sounds exactly like my stbxw. Has she accused you of being the one who is manipulative and controlling yet?


As a matter of fact, she has indeed accused me of being manipulative. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!

So after the little text/email exchange we had after mediation, things were all quiet on the western front. Today she comes over to pick up Daughter after my visitation, and she's actually NICE. I'm like...WTF? She isn't chatty, but she smiles a little and offers up a bit of friendly banter. I played along since the girls were there, but I couldn't really get into it too much.

One day she is *****y, then she's nice for a bit, then *****y again. I seriously can't keep up with her mood swings. But I'm wondering if a little bit of gossip went her way. We're both friends on a Facebook with a mutual friend of ours who works with her. I blocked stbxw on FB months ago, and she has actually commented on that fact (which I find hilarious). Mutual friend posted a pic on her wall that says "I remember our first kiss" and she said where it was. She knows about my GF. So here's me caught up in the moment, I post a comment that says "Me and my girl were in a random apartment building parking lot in Wilsonville. Aww...am I bad? I'm so bad. " Only a few hours later did it hit me...mutual friend is probably friends with other people who works with them, and who is friends with my stbxw. I bet that comment got back to her.

This is all speculation, but let's face it. Women talk. I'm sure it got back around to her. So she probably knows. And I'm wondering if that could have anything to do with why she was so nice to me today. I always thought that if she found out I had a GF she would do one of two things: totally freak out, or get really nice.

I guess I'll find out soon enough.


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

My GF is going to San Francisco for the week. She is somewhat afraid of flying, and told me last night that she wanted to tell me something just in case something happens 

She told me she thinks she's falling in love with me. 

Not to sound arrogant, but I could see it. The way she talks to me, the things she says, how eager she is...I knew what she was going to say even before she said it. I just knew. And the scary thing? I feel myself falling for her too. 

This was just supposed to be a fling. It wasn't supposed to mean anything. But we found that we have so much in common, we have similar interests, we want the same things out of life, etc. We actually talked for over a month before we ever started dating. And dating each other only intensified everything. Thankfully neither of us are ready to pick out curtains.  Despite the dopamine, we're using our heads and being smart. 

Is this what I've been missing out on for the last 7 years with my STBXW? God it certainly feels like it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

I see that a lot of relationships start as two people just keeping each other company, going out, having some fun and then little by little feelings start to develop. Most cases end up this way. This is based on my experience. Good for you!


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

Thanks LS. I'm still kind of in a daze about it all. I never thought I would find this so relatively soon after my separation. I honestly wasn't even looking for it; it found me instead.

This is how wonderful she is. Last night she asked how STBXW behaved when picking up our daughter. I said she was rather nice, actually. It surprised me, and I was like WTF? She then said that she would understand if I wanted to work things out with STBXW and would gracefully step aside if that's what I wanted. 

I was like...oh wow. She honestly wants me to be happy. I told her "NO. I want YOU. I will never want her back." She said she knows that, but that she wanted me to know that in case my feelings see changed. This woman is INCREDIBLE. My feelings will never change; her telling me that only makes me want her more. The STBXW would NEVER care for my feelings that much. 

How did I get so lucky? Is this karma?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

We've come to a tentative agreement in mediation. The mediator will create a rough draft and send it to us. I will then send it to my attorney who will look it over. It's not quite everything I wanted, but fairly close. We'll see what happens. 

I can finally see the day when this will all be over. I will be divorced and happy.

She looked different today, somewhat blah. Very businesslike. I actually appreciated that, made things easier. In the beginning she looked very distracted, I had my homework for the mediator all done and had proposals and everything all lined up. She could tell I had put in a lot of thought and effort, I think that's finally starting to set in. She was drowning in body spray today, which seemed really odd to me. She wasn't last time. It was almost an offense to my senses. I love girly smells, a LOT, but this was way overboard. 

I noticed something else, too...bear with me please, as I'm gonna be a male pig for just a moment. She has almost no breasts. My GF has very nice boobs, perfectly sized and shaped. But the STBXW has virtually none. It's very interesting when I begin comparing the two. Lol

I'm hoping to squeeze a bit more time out before its all said and done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

Tool is done. I won't let you effect my life any further.

I have been mentally checking myself and not allowing myself to feel the full range of emotions with my GF. Granted, I'm high on dopamine right now, but she has proven to be a much better human being than you ever could be. You tear me down to our step-daughter. You tear me down to your friends to justify your affair so you can feel better about yourself. I am removing that mental block now, and fully pursuing my life. You are not worthy of me, my time, or my emotional energy.

Get it through your head. I don't want you. Coming to mediation gussied up and drowning in body spray does you no good. I see right through your pathetic attempt. I know you are still with the OM, and frankly, I don't give a sh!t. It doesn't effect me anymore. I have my own life now, and I've met someone who has proven to be infinitely better than you.

I have been secretly hoping that you would want to come back to me just so I could reject you. For what? What purpose would it serve? Just to satisfy my ego? I don't need you to satisfy my ego, I have a wonderful, beautiful woman in my life now who can provide all of that, and more. I can see that you obviously still want me to want you, but I don't. And it clearly bothers you. I look at you, and I don't feel anything. You are still somewhat physically attractive, but that is all I can say about you. You are not the kind of person I would want to spend any amount of quality time with, and it sickens me that our daughter shares half of your DNA.

You got pissed at mediation and said I was an ass to our mutual friend. That's because you saw that you don't effect me anymore. You can clearly tell that I want a divorce; that I don't want you; that I'm done with you; and that I'm happier without you. Hurts, doesn't it? The OM may be able to provide validation to you for a time, but it won't last forever. Deep down, you know this. And that is why you gussied up to "show me what I was missing." That has nothing to do with it. Rather, you still want to keep me as Plan B. Sorry Charlie, but when it comes to you, I no longer think with my c0ck. I think with my brain. And my brain tells me, "You are damaged goods."

I deserve someone better than you. And frankly, I've FOUND better than you. I'm tired of keeping it a secret just so you don't freak out. Freak out all you want. I no longer care. Your state of mind means nothing to me.

Today begins the rest of my life. Halle-freakin-lujah.


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

And again, when you showed up at my door yesterday morning to pick up our daughter, you were wearing skin tight jeans and a tight black ruffled shirt. Your hair (what's left of it that you HAVEN'T chopped off) was all done, you had makeup on, the whole 9 yards. You were going to your sister's house for the 4th. So you dressed up like that again just for me. Just to try to do...what? What's your angle? What is it you want?

You know it doesn't effect me. I barely looked at you. I barely talked to you. I bathed our daughter (which you rarely do), got her nice and clean and ready for the day, handed her over, got in my car, and drove off. You looked disappointed.

This was the second day in a row you tried to get my attention sexually. And it's the second day in a row that you've failed. The divorce is starting to wind down, things are coming to a close. Are you having second thoughts? Does the thought of me moving on from you bother you? If so, too bad. You've seen me strong in mediation, I've been dark for months, I treat you like a piece of furniture, and I'm clearly ready to be divorced from you. Do you like the new me? Does it intrigue you?

Enjoy reading my Facebook wall that for some unknown reason your lawyer put into the request for production of documents. Especially the parts about me going on dates and being happy I've painted and move back into the house.

You look confused as hell.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

She sent me a text Thursday saying she called our mediator to move the time as we agreed and left him a message and would try again on Friday. I don't understand the point of the message. She could have messaged me after she spoke with him. I didn't respond. Not sure what I could have said except for "ok" and I just didn't feel like it. 

I think she's starting to have some second thoughts, or...something. I was texting our mutual friend on Friday inviting her and her boyfriend over to my house on Saturday when she told me the ex looked like sh!t that day. I asked how so? She said she's wearing an outfit that looks like a potato sack, her hair is greasy, and she was wearing no makeup. My cousin's mother in law is my dsufhter's day care provider and was telling me a couple months ago that she was coming to pick up our daughter after work dressed like a prostitute (she works with the OM). Now she looks like hell at work around the OM after gussying up for me and me rejecting her.

I hope that she doesn't do anything rash. I honestly don't want to R, I don't want to sleep with her, and I haven't given her any indication that I want either of those things. I like my life, I like my GF, and I'm happy. I'm a little worried that she's gonna try and pull something soon. Needless to say, my guard is still up. 

I won't lie, though. I finally feel like there is some karma coming around...some justice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mike11 (Aug 25, 2011)

She is trying to reel you in without losing face, may be an ego thing for her or she just had her realization moment and she is trying to see if anything left for her in your heart, from what you are describing it seem to be the later, and she is feeling the waters although she knows she messed up big time,

TFG, you are in the driver seat now, as indifference from someone who you used to have a loving relationship with is a huge blow to the ego and is a huge rejection on ones emotions, and she seem to be hurting badly.

Stay strong, you drive this now


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

Mike11 said:


> She is trying to reel you in without losing face, may be an ego thing for her or she just had her realization moment and she is trying to see if anything left for her in your heart, from what you are describing it seem to be the later, and she is feeling the waters although she knows she messed up big time,
> 
> TFG, you are in the driver seat now, as indifference from someone who you used to have a loving relationship with is a huge blow to the ego and is a huge rejection on ones emotions, and she seem to be hurting badly.
> 
> Stay strong, you drive this now


I also get the impression that she's testing the waters to see how I really feel about her. I did all the cooking, most of the cleaning and most of the shopping, so I don't "need" her for anything. I'm quite self-sufficient. The only thing she really has to offer me is her body (sex), which explains why she was gussying up for me. But I don't even need that from her anymore. So she really has nothing to offer me.

I dunno if she's thinking she's messed up, but I do believe she is having second thoughts. I do believe she knows I'm seeing someone and that the thought bothers her. And I think she wanted to see if she could illicit some kind of reaction out of me. That was a big resounding no! So it might be sinking in that she really has nothing I want.

She does seem to be hurting right now. I go back and forth between feeling a sense of justice about it (damn straight!) and feeling pity for her.


----------

