# Coveting, yearning, wanting, jealousy



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Yesterday I started watching a new tv series and there was a lot of sex in it. And I am not sure why but it got me really jealous and wanting and feeling like I am missing out. I love my boyfriend and I love sex with him.

Has anyone ever watched something or saw something and it made them kinda upset because they wish they had it too? Like romance movies, and grand gestures, or a life full of excitement, or awesome sex, or a special intimacy or something. 

I understand the harm in this thinking. I understand that things look better from the outside. I know people post things on Facebook to make their life look grand. But for some reason this show affected me.... like why can’t I have that? And maybe I can have that, kind of thinking.

I know we should all appreciate what we have. But has anyone ever thought they wanted more or were missing out? And I don’t always mean with sex and relationships, I mean with life as well.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Blue Bloods.

They have family dinner every Sunday and Mrs. Conan and I desperately want that for our family.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Yes, it hit me hard just before menopause.
The feelings were quite overwhelming at times.

I don't think I was having a mid life crisis, but there were similarities, in that I wanted more before it was too late.

It's a bit like being triggered. I would see or read something, and want to experience it in my life. Mostly to do with relationships and sex. But also work life.

I keep away from anything that might still set me off, whilst I adjust my feelings to acceptance, and try and concentrate on what I do have in my life.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I was also thinking like can we have these things or is it unrealistic. Are we settling or giving up. Or is this just chasing a unicorn. 
There has to be a balance with accepting and being happy for what we having but also going after what we want because life is short right?

I wish that when I saw it it Inspired me and motivated me but instead it made me upset and kinda depressed.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Best not to watch programmes like that if they make you feel discontent. Remember they are acting, its not real life. Discontentment is a pointless and dangerous thing to have in a relationship, so I feel its best to stay away from films, porn, books etc that make you feel that way. Facebook too is so unrealistic, peoples lives are not as they portray them. 
Also when you feel that way, think of all the things that you do have, and be grateful for them all. Maybe even list them.

Contentment is very valuable.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> Yesterday I started watching a new tv series and there was a lot of sex in it. And I am not sure why but it got me really jealous and wanting and feeling like I am missing out.


I believe the clinical term for this feeling is "relative deprivation", or more commonly "Keeping up with the Joneses". You only felt deprived because you saw something in a TV show and compared your situation to what someone else had. This feeling happens all the time. For example, you're happy with your car until your friend gets a new car, then your car feels old and you want to get rid of it for a new car.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

wilson said:


> I believe the clinical term for this feeling is "relative deprivation", or more commonly "Keeping up with the Joneses". You only felt deprived because you saw something in a TV show and compared your situation to what someone else had. This feeling happens all the time. For example, you're happy with your car until your friend gets a new car, then your car feels old and you want to get rid of it for a new car.




Yes and then your like well maybe there is something wrong with my car. I mean the other one is faster and newer and so much more fun. I need more fun in my life.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, maybe some of the things you saw in the show -- talk with your BF and try to incorporate some of that, but as others said, it's fiction meant to entertain. Many times the "good stuff" has bad sides that are ignored for dramatic effect.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

That comparing to others is unfortunately a human trait. 

Always, having an attitude of thankfulness for the joys in our life is best.

That's the short answer.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

The only thing I've every really coveted is romance. (sorry to be corny). When my wife and I go to romantic places and I see happy affectionate couples, it just sort of hurts because she is so non-romantic (and because I assume (maybe incorrectly) those couples go back to their rooms for hot sex, and we don't). It feels like I have everything I could want except that. 

Sure, I'll see fancy biz jets, yachts etc and it sounds like it might be fun to have those, but not in a serious way. I know that there is *always* better stuff.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Is it that you don't get enough sex with your BF or he doesn't do the things you want ,or just that people acting make sex seem more "prefect" than it ever is in real life? 



Girl_power said:


> Yesterday I started watching a new tv series and there was a lot of sex in it. And I am not sure why but it got me really jealous and wanting and feeling like I am missing out. I love my boyfriend and I love sex with him.
> 
> Has anyone ever watched something or saw something and it made them kinda upset because they wish they had it too? Like romance movies, and grand gestures, or a life full of excitement, or awesome sex, or a special intimacy or something.
> 
> ...


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

It's only in the movies, l keep telling myself. it's only in the movies.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Girl_power said:


> Yesterday I started watching a new tv series and there was a lot of sex in it. And I am not sure why but it got me really jealous and wanting and feeling like I am missing out. I love my boyfriend and I love sex with him.
> 
> Has anyone ever watched something or saw something and it made them kinda upset because they wish they had it too? Like romance movies, and grand gestures, or a life full of excitement, or awesome sex, or a special intimacy or something.
> 
> ...


Ever since seeing Iron Man I’ve changed my definition of success.

It’s now not just having a private plane, it’s having a private plane with stripper poles on it. And, you know, strippers for stewardesses.

That’s pretty cool.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Girl_power said:


> Yesterday I started watching a new tv series and there was a lot of sex in it. And I am not sure why but it got me really jealous and wanting and feeling like I am missing out. I love my boyfriend and I love sex with him.
> 
> Has anyone ever watched something or saw something and it made them kinda upset because they wish they had it too? Like romance movies, and grand gestures, or a life full of excitement, or awesome sex, or a special intimacy or something.
> 
> ...


The "appreciate what you have" thinking can be a trap. Appreciating what you have does not mean you stop wanting more. Imagine if we did that with our pay. It simply means that you can be happy if you don't get the more. So start there in your thinking.

And yes, you do have to watch out for falling into the "grass is greener" trap as well. But you can want and have more.

The first step is to determine what that more specifically is. Too many time we see something as a whole, and only actually want part of it. But if we don't identify what that is, we seek out more than we want and then get disappointed on what we've tried. Similarly we must be prepared to try something and then realized it wasn't what we thought it might be. If you go into it with the try it attitude, instead of the this is what I want attitude, finding out it's not what you thought doesn't seem as much of a loss.

Finally, if possible, research it first. Even among sex related activities, you'd be surprised how many classes and/or resources are available.

Sent from my Z982 using Tapatalk


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

uhtred said:


> Is it that you don't get enough sex with your BF or he doesn't do the things you want ,or just that people acting make sex seem more "prefect" than it ever is in real life?




This is a good question. And the answer is all of the above. 
I wish I had the energy for more sex, I wish I was comfortable enough with my body to have sex in the middle of the day, naked uncovered on the kitchen table, I wish he would go down on me more, I wish there was more staring into each other’s eyes, and really taking our time to enjoy every inch of each other.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I don't need TV programs to make me feel like I'm missing out... I've got TAM for that!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> uhtred said:
> 
> 
> > Is it that you don't get enough sex with your BF or he doesn't do the things you want ,or just that people acting make sex seem more "prefect" than it ever is in real life?
> ...


How long have you been together? These types of things don’t tend to change much. Probably what you see is what you get.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

And don't forget that these TV shows have teams of script writers, revisions, and an editorial process, not to mention the cinematography to deliver what is seen on TV.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> ......., I wish I was comfortable enough with my body to have sex in the middle of the day, naked uncovered on the kitchen table, I wish he would go down on me more, I wish there was more staring into each other’s eyes, and really taking our time to enjoy every inch of each other.


I had very similar sentiments. Eventually I told my wife all of these things and then asked why she did not want them. Faced with thinking about it, she realized these things sound better than the alternative. So now we are trying to make them more our reality. My suggestion is to really decide what you want and what you are willing to put in the effort to make happen. Once you really know what you want you can talk to your boyfriend about it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> And don't forget that these TV shows have teams of script writers, revisions, and an editorial process, not to mention the cinematography to deliver what is seen on TV.


True, but a great sexual relationship can top anything I've ever seen on any show (including porn).


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

leftfield said:


> I had very similar sentiments. Eventually I told my wife all of these things and then asked why she did not want them. Faced with thinking about it, she realized these things sound better than the alternative. So now we are trying to make them more our reality. My suggestion is to really decide what you want and what you are willing to put in the effort to make happen. Once you really know what you want you can talk to your boyfriend about it.




My ex-husband was a terrible human being. But what I like about him was that he was a dirty pervert and my boyfriend is such an amazing guy but he isn’t a dirty pervert like I like. And the sad truth is that you can’t make someone like something. You can make them do something more but you can’t make them like it.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> My ex-husband was a terrible human being. But what I like about him was that he was a dirty pervert and my boyfriend is such an amazing guy but he isn’t a dirty pervert like I like. And the sad truth is that you can’t make someone like something. You can make them do something more but you can’t make them like it.


No you can't make someone like something and it would be a really bad idea to try. Nor should you try to make them do more of something. You should be able to express that you really like dirty perverts and why you like it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

And there are things, sex related or not, and there are many non sex things that are within "our" reach.

The items one spends time planning for ir doing, even working up to "something" are the items ir activities one truly wants.

Other things flit through our minds but there are wishes, wants, and desires, recognizing the differences is a skill to develop. 

Then there are the old standbys jealousy and covetousness, not good places to start from.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

maquiscat said:


> The "appreciate what you have" thinking can be a trap. Appreciating what you have does not mean you stop wanting more. Imagine if we did that with our pay. It simply means that you can be happy if you don't get the more. So start there in your thinking.
> 
> And yes, you do have to watch out for falling into the "grass is greener" trap as well. But you can want and have more.
> 
> ...


Being thankful in situations like these is so powerful .


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I'm guilty of this, too. It's partly how I realize these things are not real. I get those feelings and forget to be grateful for what I do have. I purchased a little block of wood with a saying, "A grateful heart is where it starts". I put it where I can see it as I walk past. It helps me to keep current and less wishful.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Are you able to talk to him about the type of sex life that each of you would like?

Does he have any issues with your body, or is it just how you feel about it?




Girl_power said:


> This is a good question. And the answer is all of the above.
> I wish I had the energy for more sex, I wish I was comfortable enough with my body to have sex in the middle of the day, naked uncovered on the kitchen table, I wish he would go down on me more, I wish there was more staring into each other’s eyes, and really taking our time to enjoy every inch of each other.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

uhtred said:


> Are you able to talk to him about the type of sex life that each of you would like?
> 
> 
> 
> Does he have any issues with your body, or is it just how you feel about it?




He says he loves my body, but I will never feel comfortable regardless.

As far as the sex goes... I already know what he likes and he knows what I like. Different strokes for different folks. I absolutely love sex with him though and I can’t get enough of it. I am the one that has a higher drive for sure. The problem is... I am starting to feel like work if that makes sense. We had a convo once about how important sex is to me, and if I don’t have it I start to feel like roommates or friends and just don’t feel as close to him. I made it clear sex is really important to me. He asked how often I need it and I said 3x a week... but I was ok every once in a while with 2. It’s been like... 3-4 weeks of having sex only one time a week. And I know he had some project at work he is working on and he is super stressed and blah blah. I mentioned it to him a while ago about the lack of sex and his response was basically that he feels really guilty and stressed out about it ( not having sex with me), and basically gets more stressed about that sometimes (keeping me happy) then he does about his work project. So yes, I feel like I’m a job and I’m hard work. I haven’t mentioned sex to him in probably 2 weeks. We have been doing it weekly. But I am dying. Last night I kinda reached out to him sexually and he turned me down, or said he is so tired. 

This is a common theme in my relationships. They guy is always happy and happy with bare minimum and I require more (not necessarily sex) to be happy.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Girl_power said:


> He says he loves my body, but I will never feel comfortable regardless.
> 
> As far as the sex goes... I already know what he likes and he knows what I like. Different strokes for different folks. I absolutely love sex with him though and I can’t get enough of it. I am the one that has a higher drive for sure. The problem is... I am starting to feel like work if that makes sense. We had a convo once about how important sex is to me, and if I don’t have it I start to feel like roommates or friends and just don’t feel as close to him. I made it clear sex is really important to me. He asked how often I need it and I said 3x a week... but I was ok every once in a while with 2. It’s been like... 3-4 weeks of having sex only one time a week. And I know he had some project at work he is working on and he is super stressed and blah blah. I mentioned it to him a while ago about the lack of sex and his response was basically that he feels really guilty and stressed out about it ( not having sex with me), and basically gets more stressed about that sometimes (keeping me happy) then he does about his work project. So yes, I feel like I’m a job and I’m hard work. I haven’t mentioned sex to him in probably 2 weeks. We have been doing it weekly. But I am dying. Last night I kinda reached out to him sexually and he turned me down, or said he is so tired.
> 
> This is a common theme in my relationships. They guy is always happy and happy with bare minimum and I require more (not necessarily sex) to be happy.


Can your reason for being uncomfortable be addressed somehow? Is there some way your discomfort can be alleviated? 

3x a week is hardly a tall order. Do you guys live together? How often do you see one another?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

BioFury said:


> Can your reason for being uncomfortable be addressed somehow? Is there some way your discomfort can be alleviated?
> 
> 
> 
> 3x a week is hardly a tall order. Do you guys live together? How often do you see one another?




I don’t think I will ever feel comfortable with my body. But it only affects me in certain ways. For example I have no problem being naked in the dark, I have no problem being uncovered in the dark. I am comfortable taking showers and baths together naked because he has his glasses off. I don’t mind having sex In the light/day light as long as I can wear my bra. So it’s not a huge barrier.

I don’t think 3x a week is asking too much. We don’t live together but he sleeps over often, almost everyday of the week. The problem is usually he is too tired bc he has been working a lot and when he comes home from work he just wants to relax and he never really peps up.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

I mean you guys should still be in the honeymoon phase, but he's struggling to have sex with you even one time a week? You and your boyfriend just sound like a sexual mismatch to me. And of course it's not just about sex, but that is a big part of a relationship (it is for me anyway). You're left feeling unfulfilled in this relationship. You're craving simple intimacy, and you're not getting it. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, in fact I think you are being very reasonable. You have your wants and needs, and they are not currently being met. You've made your needs known and all you get is "busy with project at work blah blah blah". Is this something you'll be happy with for the next 10 - 20 years? It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is capable of much more than he is giving right now.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Is it possible you didn't know him until you started basically living together and now you don't really like him? It's okay to figure that out. It's okay to break it off and date others. Maybe he's just not right for you and you don't need to do anything, except break it off?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Sexual mismatches are really difficult in a marriage (as many of us have experienced :frown2

The low desire person feels constantly pressured, the high desire person unwanted and rejected. Its a very difficult problem to fix. I wish I had a suggestion, but I've been living this situation for >30 years and haven't found a solution. Its pretty miserable. 



Girl_power said:


> He says he loves my body, but I will never feel comfortable regardless.
> 
> As far as the sex goes... I already know what he likes and he knows what I like. Different strokes for different folks. I absolutely love sex with him though and I can’t get enough of it. I am the one that has a higher drive for sure. The problem is... I am starting to feel like work if that makes sense. We had a convo once about how important sex is to me, and if I don’t have it I start to feel like roommates or friends and just don’t feel as close to him. I made it clear sex is really important to me. He asked how often I need it and I said 3x a week... but I was ok every once in a while with 2. It’s been like... 3-4 weeks of having sex only one time a week. And I know he had some project at work he is working on and he is super stressed and blah blah. I mentioned it to him a while ago about the lack of sex and his response was basically that he feels really guilty and stressed out about it ( not having sex with me), and basically gets more stressed about that sometimes (keeping me happy) then he does about his work project. So yes, I feel like I’m a job and I’m hard work. I haven’t mentioned sex to him in probably 2 weeks. We have been doing it weekly. But I am dying. Last night I kinda reached out to him sexually and he turned me down, or said he is so tired.
> 
> This is a common theme in my relationships. They guy is always happy and happy with bare minimum and I require more (not necessarily sex) to be happy.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Tex X said:


> I mean you guys should still be in the honeymoon phase, but he's struggling to have sex with you even one time a week? You and your boyfriend just sound like a sexual mismatch to me. And of course it's not just about sex, but that is a big part of a relationship (it is for me anyway). You're left feeling unfulfilled in this relationship. You're craving simple intimacy, and you're not getting it. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, in fact I think you are being very reasonable. You have your wants and needs, and they are not currently being met. You've made your needs known and all you get is "busy with project at work blah blah blah". Is this something you'll be happy with for the next 10 - 20 years? It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is capable of much more than he is giving right now.


Totally agree.

I’m in the same boat. Most men say they love sex and want it all the time. But when faced with a woman who has a very high sex drive a lot of them just cannot keep up. 

Partly this is because it’s a lot more physical work for the guy so I get that.

But I’ve learned now that for me to be happy, they are going to have to be able to keep up and if they can’t, I just get more and more unhappy until I end it.

I’ve learned it’s really better to do it sooner than later, too because this does not get better.

Now I screen people for how sexual they are, because this really matters to me and it will be the end of the relationship if we aren’t a match. So it’s better to pass someone by if they don’t have that vibe right up front. These days I can tell just by what a person says and how they make out with me, so I’m getting better at picking well these days.

I’m sorry, I’ve been there. It doesn’t really get much better. You have a decision to make.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I’m not ready to end it yet. I’m going to give it time and initiate more and see what happens when his work slows down. We had great amazing sex the first few months, like 10x a week. I don’t want that much but I don’t think 3/week should be such a problem.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Girl_power said:


> I don’t think I will ever feel comfortable with my body. But it only affects me in certain ways. For example I have no problem being naked in the dark, I have no problem being uncovered in the dark. I am comfortable taking showers and baths together naked because he has his glasses off. I don’t mind having sex In the light/day light as long as I can wear my bra. So it’s not a huge barrier.
> 
> I don’t think 3x a week is asking too much. We don’t live together but he sleeps over often, almost everyday of the week. The problem is usually he is too tired bc he has been working a lot and when he comes home from work he just wants to relax and he never really peps up.


So... could you knock his glasses off in your rush to get his clothes off? >

I don't really see how him being tired nullifies his ability to have sex. Is there a reason he can't say something like "I'm game, but I need you to be on top tonight" ? 



Girl_power said:


> I’m not ready to end it yet. I’m going to give it time and initiate more and see what happens when his work slows down. We had great amazing sex the first few months, like 10x a week. I don’t want that much but I don’t think 3/week should be such a problem.


If this is a relationship-ending issue for you, don't you think you should warn him of that, and give him a chance to work on it before you're "done"?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

BioFury said:


> So... could you knock his glasses off in your rush to get his clothes off? >
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I think I need to initiate like stronger and be more clear when I want to have sex. I know that I can work on that. 

I don’t want to end things now. I love him. It’s just really hard for me to be In bed with someone I love and sexually really attracted to and not be able to have sex with him. 

I’m very cautious because I think I can be a little emasculating. I don’t want to be, but I just don’t want him to feel not good enough. Because I know how important it is for the man to feel like a man. Just like it’s important for a women to feel understood and loved. I am just not good at verbalizing these things with sensitivity. I am pretty spectrumey so I know things I say come off different than how I intend. I just don’t know how to approach the topic or even if I should because I don’t want to embarrass him or make him feel like be is not enough. 

Bc the way I feel is... 3x a week is nothing and shouldn’t be a problem. Especially for 2 young healthy people with no kids. And I think that might come across rude bc maybe it is hard for him and I’m making him feel bad about it. I honestly don’t really know what to do.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> I’m not ready to end it yet. I’m going to give it time and initiate more and see what happens when his work slows down. We had great amazing sex the first few months, like 10x a week. I don’t want that much but I don’t think 3/week should be such a problem.


Typically, it is good in the beginning since it is new and exciting.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

2ntnuf said:


> Typically, it is good in the beginning since it is new and exciting.




Of course. 
All I’m saying is this last month things haven’t been great sexually. To me, that’s too soon to throw in the towel.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

And yes of course I want him to cowboy the f up and just bang me. Just like I think women should do the same thing.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> I think I need to initiate like stronger and be more clear when I want to have sex. I know that I can work on that.
> 
> I don’t want to end things now. I love him. It’s just really hard for me to be In bed with someone I love and sexually really attracted to and not be able to have sex with him.
> 
> ...


Talk to your psychologist about how to address the issues you are having. When young man is really attracted to a woman, he is pretty aggressive. Something is wrong. Yes, if he works in construction or some other physical industry, he is likely pretty tired. If his work is not in that area, he may be in the wrong job. If it's neither, he should see his doctor and talk about his issues. If he sees no issues, maybe he doesn't have any, but that can be determined through a psychologist. If it is found he doesn't have any major issues and this is who he is, you need to make a decision. Love won't correct anything. In fact, it makes things more complicated.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> Of course.
> All I’m saying is this last month things haven’t been great sexually. To me, that’s too soon to throw in the towel.


Yeah, I know.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

And I feel bad because I get out of work at 330pm. Today I came home, took a bubble bath, put in pajamas, ate some Halloween candy and pepperoni and have been watching mind hunters for 2 hours. My boyfriend is still at work stressed over deadlines. When he comes over after work... probably 8pm... I’ll be ready to pounce and go to bed at 9. It’s not fair to him. That’s why I am empathetic with him. I know he is tired, I know he had a long day, and I know he is stressed. Whereas I have been chilling on the couch for 5 hours.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> And yes of course I want him to cowboy the f up and just bang me. Just like I think women should do the same thing.


I don't know what that means. Take responsibility for his issues? Maybe he doesn't think he has any? That's why I made the post about talking to psychologists and doctors.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Girl_power said:


> I think I need to initiate like stronger and be more clear when I want to have sex. I know that I can work on that.
> 
> I don’t want to end things now. I love him. It’s just really hard for me to be In bed with someone I love and sexually really attracted to and not be able to have sex with him.
> 
> ...


How have you _been _initiating sex?

Why do you feel that you're emasculating?

Yeah, I don't know how old you guys are, but from your description of him being too tired to put out 3x a week, I was envisioning late 50's :| Did you mention what kind of work he does? I don't recall.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

2ntnuf said:


> Talk to your psychologist about how to address the issues you are having. When young man is really attracted to a woman, he is pretty aggressive. Something is wrong. Yes, if he works in construction or some other physical industry, he is likely pretty tired. If his work is not in that area, he may be in the wrong job. If it's neither, he should see his doctor and talk about his issues. If he sees no issues, maybe he doesn't have any, but that can be determined through a psychologist. If it is found he doesn't have any major issues and this is who he is, you need to make a decision. Love won't correct anything. In fact, it makes things more complicated.




Wow I can’t disagree with you more. And thinking all young men are up for sex all the the time is a totally inaccurate stereotype. Maybe when boys are teenagers or early 20s. A lot of men when faced with high levels of stress shut down sexually.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> And I feel bad because I get out of work at 330pm. Today I came home, took a bubble bath, put in pajamas, ate some Halloween candy and pepperoni and have been watching mind hunters for 2 hours. My boyfriend is still at work stressed over deadlines. When he comes over after work... probably 8pm... I’ll be ready to pounce and go to bed at 9. It’s not fair to him. That’s why I am empathetic with him. I know he is tired, I know he had a long day, and I know he is stressed. Whereas I have been chilling on the couch for 5 hours.


When I was younger, coming home to a woman in night clothes, a smile and the intentions to have sex would have been a great opportunity to let off the pressure from work and feel renewed.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> Wow I can’t disagree with you more. And thinking all young men are up for sex all the the time is a totally inaccurate stereotype. Maybe when boys are teenagers or early 20s. A lot of men when faced with high levels of stress shut down sexually.


How old are you two? Let's clear this up so you can get some help.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

2ntnuf said:


> When I was younger, coming home to a woman in night clothes, a smile and the intentions to have sex would have been a great opportunity to let off the pressure from work and feel renewed.




I don’t think that’s very common.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> I don’t think that’s very common.


No?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

2ntnuf said:


> How old are you two? Let's clear this up so you can get some help.




33.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Best not to watch programmes like that if they make you feel discontent. Remember they are acting, its not real life. Discontentment is a pointless and dangerous thing to have in a relationship, so I feel its best to stay away from films, porn, books etc that make you feel that way. Facebook too is so unrealistic, peoples lives are not as they portray them.
> Also when you feel that way, think of all the things that you do have, and be grateful for them all. Maybe even list them.
> 
> Contentment is very valuable.


Good advice. It is better to not expose oneself to fairytale/unicorn pooping skittles media that stir up feelings of discontent. Better to be thankful and at the same time recognize where things could realistically change for the better and address those things.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Well I think where some people make the mistake is to assume their mate is just going to get this. If you want more excitement maybe you have to make the first move and seduce him.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

2ntnuf said:


> No?




I was married for 7 years. My exH loved sex and never refused me. When he was stressed out, he still didn’t refuse me... and let’s just say that he rarely was able to keep his penis hard when he was stressed. I felt so bad bc I knew he was mentally and physically beat so I stopped initiating when I knew he was tired and stressed.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

My boyfriend told me that when he is super stressed sex is the last thing in his mind. It’s biology. It’s fight or flight. Stress hormone (cortisol) literally kills testosterone and sex hormones.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> 33.


No kids, too, so something is up. Most folks your age who have children are not always up for sex because they are so damned tired from working and taking care of children. He needs to see a doctor, maybe a psychologist, too. I think you need to talk to someone to learn the best way to ask him what is going. The thing is, as long as you are respectful, the shouldn't be an issue with you causing some feelings in him. These feelings are all on him. If you want to be certain, see that counselor.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> My boyfriend told me that when he is super stressed sex is the last thing in his mind. It’s biology. It’s fight or flight. Stress hormone (cortisol) literally kills testosterone and sex hormones.


I addressed this in on of my posts. I've addressed all of this in one post or another. Good luck. If you know this kills libido and you are still hurt, it ain't him. Break it off. He doesn't need this added stress. He needs a better job.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

2ntnuf said:


> No kids, too, so something is up. Most folks your age who have children are not always up for sex because they are so damned tired from working and taking care of children. He needs to see a doctor, maybe a psychologist, too. I think you need to talk to someone to learn the best way to ask him what is going. The thing is, as long as you are respectful, the shouldn't be an issue with you causing some feelings in him. These feelings are all on him. If you want to be certain, see that counselor.




Thanks for your advice. However I am going to choose not to tell my boyfriend to see a doctor and a psychologist because there must be something wrong with him for not having sex with me as much as I wish he would for the last 4 weeks. 

I mean come on... he must be crazy if he doesn’t want to sleep with me 3x a week every week. I mean does he even realize how lucky he is? I am so hot and young and good at sex. Clearly he has a problem, serious mental problems. I mean who cares what’s going on in his life. Who cares what he is thinking or feeling, or how stressed out he is, and all the pressure he is having at work. Who cares if his emotionally and physically needs are being met by me. Who cares how he feels. He should go to a doctor because something is clearly wrong because he can’t work 16hr days 6 days a week and not bang his sexy girlfriend 3x a week for the 2 hour window we have together each night.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> My boyfriend told me that when he is super stressed sex is the last thing in his mind. It’s biology. It’s fight or flight. Stress hormone (cortisol) literally kills testosterone and sex hormones.


A lot of men, both young and old, are like this. It is good he is self aware of this. Unfortunately, it really isn't likely to change. Sorry.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Do what you can and see if things improve. Just be aware that the longer you wait the tougher it is to leave

I'm saying this coming from a 35 year mismatched relationship. The mismatch may never get better. I love my wife very much and will never leave, but this issue has always remained

Only you know how much things matter to you in a relationship. 



Girl_power said:


> I’m not ready to end it yet. I’m going to give it time and initiate more and see what happens when his work slows down. We had great amazing sex the first few months, like 10x a week. I don’t want that much but I don’t think 3/week should be such a problem.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Some men do lose interest in sex with a real live person when under stress. Sex with their SO requires more emotions and effort than they want to give.

It has been my experience (with my own husband) and by reading here on TAM that most men still want (need?) a regular release, even if they are under stress. They will take care of it on their own. I'm talking about in the shower, or with porn.

That bothers me.

This is probably what is going on with your BF.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It varies. For *some* men sex is a great stress reliever, for others then need to be non-stressed to enjoy it. When I'm badly stressed, non-stressful sex with my wife would be a wonderful way to reduce that stress, but it doesn't work that way for everyone and maybe not for the majority. 



Girl_power said:


> I don’t think that’s very common.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Yay my boyfriend came home early. I’m going to give him 30 mins then pounce.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Girl_power said:


> Yay my boyfriend came home early. I’m going to give him 30 mins then pounce.


Success?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Mission accomplished.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> Thanks for your advice. However I am going to choose not to tell my boyfriend to see a doctor and a psychologist because there must be something wrong with him for not having sex with me as much as I wish he would for the last 4 weeks.
> 
> I mean come on... he must be crazy if he doesn’t want to sleep with me 3x a week every week. I mean does he even realize how lucky he is? I am so hot and young and good at sex. Clearly he has a problem, serious mental problems. I mean who cares what’s going on in his life. Who cares what he is thinking or feeling, or how stressed out he is, and all the pressure he is having at work. Who cares if his emotionally and physically needs are being met by me. Who cares how he feels. He should go to a doctor because something is clearly wrong because he can’t work 16hr days 6 days a week and not bang his sexy girlfriend 3x a week for the 2 hour window we have together each night.


I don't know why you think talking to a psychologist means you are crazy. It just means you have questions for which you cannot find answers. It's like coming here and starting a thread. However, you know you are going to get good answers because you are able to be open and honest. 

Why don't you go back and read your posts. You know what's wrong. I've said it in other posts. He needs to work a different job. You need something to do so you don't get bored and lonely. If that isn't satisfactory for you, then break it off. You've admitted being on the spectrum, so I have to assume this reply is part of that. Yes, you might be helped by a psychologist. It doesn't mean you are crazy. 

I have no clue whether you are hot to the general public or not. Apparently, you are/were hot to your boyfriend. That's all that matters.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

@2ntuf we are all different. I can’t stand when people suggest people to see psychiatrist all the time. First you wanted my boyfriend to see one then me. I have a weird hang up about this. But I don’t want to go into it.

Everyone uses this forum differently, and everyone is looking for different things. Sometimes Talking about an issue helps and knowing I am not alone. It seems this is a difference between men and women... women want to talk about the nail in their head and men want to tell you how to take it out. It is what it is. Sometimes I come on here for dialogue and to get perspective and to hopefully hear some motivating positive things. Other times I don’t and I appreciate those kind of advices too.

This topic was meant to talk about wanting something you don’t have, not necessarily the sex with my boyfriend. I do this is general... want something I don’t have. I’m sorry we got off topic and focused on sex with my boyfriend.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> @2ntuf we are all different. I can’t stand when people suggest people to see psychiatrist all the time. First you wanted my boyfriend to see one then me. I have a weird hang up about this. But I don’t want to go into it.
> 
> Everyone uses this forum differently, and everyone is looking for different things. Sometimes Talking about an issue helps and knowing I am not alone. It seems this is a difference between men and women... women want to talk about the nail in their head and men want to tell you how to take it out. It is what it is. Sometimes I come on here for dialogue and to get perspective and to hopefully hear some motivating positive things. Other times I don’t and I appreciate those kind of advices too.
> 
> This topic was meant to talk about wanting something you don’t have, not necessarily the sex with my boyfriend. I do this is general... want something I don’t have. I’m sorry we got off topic and focused on sex with my boyfriend.


Did I say psychiatrist or psychologist? Secondly, you are having issues dealing with your value to him. You were adamant that he had an issue. You went all over the place with the reasons. Okay, that's probably not so abnormal. I told you what could work, as you continued to complain about him more. You were ready to leave if he didn't change. Do you think he changed and that's why you had sex or do you think you presented yourself in a different manner than the past? 

I told you, a woman in night clothes with a smile on her face and an interest in sex would be a stress reliever. You denied that and then did just that. 

My belief is, you needed someone to blame so you could get the frustration out. I provided you with that opportunity. You felt better after you verbally abused me for trying to honestly help you. You continue to do that here. What that tells me is it's a problem you have and you would benefit from some counseling. And yes, the best counselors are educated in psychology. That makes them psychologists. 

You may have a terrible issue with psychologists, but I would not know that. Therefore, your tirades are lost on me. I'm glad you got the sex you were looking for to relieve your stress. Oh, sorry, most men aren't relieved when they have sex. I forgot. 

Whether most men are or not, doesn't matter. I believe I said "I" used to feel relieved. I'm not most men. You and others assume and don't read posts as they are written. 

Now, you want to tell me that it's not the nail in your head, but it was. You came here with a desire to blame someone so you could get rid of the anger you had for your boyfriend. Once you did, you could freely seduce him. Yes, it was the nail. You just decided to choose me to blame for your issues.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

2ntnuf said:


> Did I say psychiatrist or psychologist? Secondly, you are having issues dealing with your value to him. You were adamant that he had an issue. You went all over the place with the reasons. Okay, that's probably not so abnormal. I told you what could work, as you continued to complain about him more. You were ready to leave if he didn't change. Do you think he changed and that's why you had sex or do you think you presented yourself in a different manner than the past?
> 
> I told you, a woman in night clothes with a smile on her face and an interest in sex would be a stress reliever. You denied that and then did just that.
> 
> ...




Your 100% wrong. I came here to complain about the normal trials and tribulations of life and relationships. 

I was not adamant that he has a problem. I actually believe everyone is different, some people have HD and some people have LD and all is normal. I came here to complain that I wasn’t getting what I wanted and that doesn’t mean he had a problem, it just means we see different.

We talked last night about sex. He told me when he is stressed, he shuts down sexually and he sex is not a stress reliever to him. Just because we had sex last night doesn’t mean he anything other than he say that I needed it and he cowboyed up. 

I don’t have anger at all for my boyfriend. I don’t understand why you think this. I love him and want him to be stress free and happy. I also want to be stress free and happy. There is a balance that we can come to. 
Trust me I am not having issues with my value to him. He loves me. He shows me he loves me and tells me he loves me all the time. Everyone has different needs and ways they show love. 

I don’t need anyone to blame. I come here to vent and get perspective. I see people everyday that have REAL problems. Trust me I know I am blessed and lucky and have a really good life. Better than most and better than I deserve. Sometimes I have problems with ” coveting” a different life. Which I’m sure is normal for people to feel, which was the real point Of this post.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> Your 100% wrong. I came here to complain about the normal trials and tribulations of life and relationships.
> 
> I was not adamant that he has a problem. I actually believe everyone is different, some people have HD and some people have LD and all is normal. I came here to complain that I wasn’t getting what I wanted and that doesn’t mean he had a problem, it just means we see different.
> 
> ...


Many men shut down sexually due to the expectations of their partner. Whatever your approach was last night, you either added to or took away his stress. He'll have to tell you that. If you forced him to submit, it's rape.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Being thankful in situations like these is so powerful .


I don't disagree. What I am pointing out is that being thankful does not mean you don't strive for bigger and better. 

Sent from my Z982 using Tapatalk


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Girl_power said:


> Bc the way I feel is... 3x a week is nothing and shouldn’t be a problem. Especially for 2 young healthy people with no kids. And I think that might come across rude bc maybe it is hard for him and I’m making him feel bad about it. I honestly don’t really know what to do.


Here's the thing. Your sex life has leveled out and this is what it looks like now. You can tell him what you want and need, but in the end his desire most likely will not change. If he steps it up he'll probably just be going through the motions. It's possible there is a naughty boy in there somewhere that you can unlock, but based on your description of the situation it sounds like this is the way it is going to be with him.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Girl_power said:


> And yes of course I want him to cowboy the f up and just bang me.


Have you looked him in the eyes with your naughtiest Girl_power look and told him that?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

2ntnuf said:


> Many men shut down sexually due to the expectations of their partner. Whatever your approach was last night, you either added to or took away his stress. He'll have to tell you that. If you forced him to submit, it's rape.




I’m fully aware. Male sexuality can be fragile. 

And I’m pretty sure most people have sexual expectations whether that’s good or bad. I read post after post about this. I mean there is a post going around that suggests oral is standard. I’m sure people have an idea of what is standard in terms of quality and quantity. Then life happens and you adjust/compromise/work on it. Whatever they choose. 

At the end of the day if he cracks because his girlfriend wants more sex then we aren’t meant for each other. I asked him last night what his ideal amount of sex he wanted a week and he said probably 3x. He apologized to me for letting work get out of hand and he acknowledged that when he is stressed sex isn’t on his mind so he doesn’t realize how much time goes by without it.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Girl_power said:


> My boyfriend told me that when he is super stressed sex is the last thing in his mind. It’s biology. It’s fight or flight. Stress hormone (cortisol) literally kills testosterone and sex hormones.


Look if he's really that stressed out at work that often, then he needs to either get a different lower stress job, or manage his work boundaries better. It's not healthy for him, and it's not doing anything for your relationship either. He needs to get his head out of his ass and step up and handle the situation.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Tex X said:


> Look if he's really that stressed out at work that often, then he needs to either get a different lower stress job, or manage his work boundaries better. It's not healthy for him, and it's not doing anything for your relationship either. He needs to get his head out of his ass and step up and handle the situation.




It’s a newish Job and he feels pressure to perform I guess. I’m hoping things will eventually level out because he can’t do this forever. He told me things will be slowing down at work soon. We shall see.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Girl_Power, what you are feeling is a very natural response to the stimuli that you are getting. The modern world does a great job of providing examples of all of the things that you are missing out on. Be it sex, dinner with family, nicer car, house, children that listen and respect you, and on and on it goes.

The idea that people all around us have all of those things plagues our society and drives us further to unrest. It is an ever progressive and destructive force that is almost impossible to escape from.

The thing with most of it, is that you are only getting a snap shot, and there is no reality to it. Sure, the people in the show may have had passionate sex on the kitchen table, or wherever, and they may stare into each others eyes, but it is all a lie. Neither of them had to work, clean the bathroom, go wash up after sex, or eat on the table when they were done.

When I look at my own life, the idea that I am missing out on something is absurd. I have been blessed beyond measure and yet I can still find myself asking why I am not having whatever that is over there. It takes a constant drive to be grateful and appreciative for what you have, while striving to improve your own life and the lives of those around you. There is a balance between gratefulness and desire for improvement that is razor thin.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This is a common feeling.

We are these chemical factories. They (ours) make all those feel-good hormones and gives us these wonderful resultant feelings.
Why would we not want more of this?

On meeting a new man, or men...

For this to go very well, all those future good times would need every 'preliminary' box checked.
What are the odds that this would happen?
And happen more than once, let alone frequently?

An heiress or a rich lady could see this happen....more often.
However, the risk is always, is the man mainly interested in my wealth, and secondly for my womb and the sexual aspect.
The needed want would be that he is interested mainly, in her, as a person. 

You, the whole package.

*The biggest hurdle would be finding that 'one' perfect man.
And for it to go as planned, you would have to be his 'perfect' lady.*

Two perfect fates, playing out at the same time and place. Four arms, four legs enveloped together in that love fest.
No arguments, no differences, only those sweet things said and heard.

Good luck, good hunting!

I suggest making your BF a better lover, rather than searching for a perfect one.

Or, just get another man who has the same itches.



The Typist I-

Hookups for you would be easy.
Many of those hooks have barbs, they tear your flesh when they pull away.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Faithful Wife said:


> True, but a great sexual relationship can top anything I've ever seen on any show (including porn).


Making love, getting sweet loving, continuously, with many lovers, while doing that slow descent called aging is fine until...

Until you arrive, at say, age 65 ,and now you are alone. At this landing point, your chances of finding just one perfect man falls nearly, maybe to zero.

You are (seem) the exception, in that you want less, the tightly bound relationship, more the intimacy.
Most people are not wired this way. 




King Brian-


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Girl_power said:


> This is a good question. And the answer is all of the above.
> I wish I had the energy for more sex, I wish I was comfortable enough with my body to have sex in the middle of the day, naked uncovered on the kitchen table, I wish he would go down on me more, I wish there was more staring into each other’s eyes, and really taking our time to enjoy every inch of each other.


I was seeing someone over the summer who was just like what you’re describing you want. I’m no longer with him, things did not turn out well but I will never say he didn’t give it his all with me, he did. And I will never say that my time with him was a waste. Despite everything I will always remember how much effort he put into “us” and he taught me that in order to get that again with someone else someday I’m going to have to toss every insecurity I have aside and go for it with all the passion I can produce. He laid himself completely bare and vulnerable with me and I could see it scared the **** out of him but he saw something he wanted and went for it 100%. He showed me what it looks like when someone genuinely opens up. I will always love that side of him.

When I meet Mr. Right for me, I know now what to do. You want these things, things that can be had, things that you can do yourself. It’s scary as hell to be as vulnerable as it will take to get what you want but so worth it. You get one chance at this life, reach for what you want your life to be, you are the creator of your story.


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