# H says I'm unreasonable, I say he's irresponsible - LONG



## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

Brief history:

We are trying to reconcile after my WH's affair. He's made changes. I've made changes. I filed for divorce on DDay, moved into an apartment less than a month later. 2 months later, I can see the damage our separation is doing to our children and I try to give him another chance. I offer that once our house sells, he can move in to the apartment.

He starts staying the night every night. I'm working 2 jobs (70+ hours a week). I find out (by certified letter) that he isn't bothering to pay the mortgage on the house. His response: "I thought you were doing that!"

Keep in mind that I've been the one to make sure the rent/mortgage and car payments were paid in the past. I was the one to negotiate the purchase of the houses and the sale of mine in the past. I've always had a full time job and for at least 2 years of our marriage, a part time job on the side. He got a part-time job for about 2 months but quit because "he wasn't giving it his all" because he couldn't be bothered to put aside other things to assemble bicycles for 3 hours.

I had to do all the work to get the house listed this time around. Constantly hound him about getting the realtor a key (and eventually, I gave him my key). H was out of town on business and the house started to show and it was a mess, so I went to the house (and with 2 toddlers), cleaned as much as I could. 

We got a call that they were going to show it again on the 22nd. In addition to 2 jobs, 2 kids, and everything else a normal person has going, I had a large Christmas project to do, I used my Christmas bonus to pay for every Christmas gift that *we* are giving this year, I am expected to bake for various different events, etc (all during December).

He took Friday off of work, presumably to get a storage facility and clean the house so that it would be in top shape to sell on the 22nd. Instead, he slept until 10:30, goofed off, had lunch with me, goofed off some more, went drinking with his sisters until 5:30, then because I had to go from one job to the other, he picked up the kids and sulked because I was at my other job instead of hanging out with him.

He did some laundry and did some light cleaning on Saturday while I was at work for 9+ hours (5 am to 2:30 pm), then nothing because I had planned a "date night". Nothing on Sunday as he took the kids to the mall and other places during my 10hr shift.

Yesterday, he was off again, but spent most of the day at his office doing his end of year assessment. So now, it's up to me to get the house done in the evenings after I get off work from job #1. He hasn't arranged for a storage facility because there wasn't one that was "quick and convenient" to where we live, he hasn't cleaned the backyard, or "his" office in the house because the realtor who was going to show it on the 22nd hasn't called him back, so he'd rather err on the side of she isn't going to show it.

But I'm being unreasonable because I'm angry that he won't take care of that responsibility and I have to step in and get it done.... and because I said that I would be cleaning the house this evening... and because I told him he cannot sleep at my apartment again until the house matter is resolved. 

I'm angry because I feel like I have a 3rd child to raise... I want a husband who will help and support me... and I don't mean financial support - I don't need a man for that. He told me that his expectations of me as a wife would be to clean, cook, take care of the kids and him, to respect him, to value his opinion... which I'm all for doing - but I can't do all of that, work 2 jobs (I'm leaving the second one as of the 31st), take care of EVERYTHING while he is only expected to work a job. No more responsibilities that 40 hours at his job. If that's the case, he's nothing more than a paycheck to me. I don't want a paycheck and someone to clean after.

Am I being unreasonable??


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You are completely reasonable. He on the other hand sounds someone with the attitude of a 15 year old, and a lazy 15 yr old at that.

How exactly is he working on R?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

*After I asked him to, he cancelled his FB account - and mine at the same time.
*After I asked him to, he cancelled the e-mail address he used to get on swinger websites.
*After I asked him to and gave him reasons why it was wrong, he stopped having sexual conversations with strangers and friends.

He will do something after I ask him to, but he can't seem to think for himself.

He did go out and buy Desperate Marriages and read it and he read the 5 Love Languages, after I bought it for him. He's done some laundry and is attending marriage counselling. 

He will only do things that he doesn't really want to do after I've forced the issue and gotten angry or told him that I'm out if he won't make the change.

I don't want to live that way for the rest of my life. I can't even leave breadcrumbs leading to what I want. I have to have 6 foot tall giant signs, detailing exactly what I want and how I want him to do it. It's less stressful to be on my own.

I told him the other night to give me a reason to stay with him. That's what I wanted. To prove to me that he was more than just another thing for me to take care of. To prove that he could be my man.

I think what I really want is for him to show me that he doesn't need me to take care of him and that the reason we are together is because he wants me. I feel like he's so h*ll bent on us staying together because I make a decent paycheck and he doesn't have to think about anything.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

At the same time, I'm not 100% innocent in this deal. I accept that. I've done my best to correct things that I did wrong. He told me that he expected me as a wife to clean the house and cook. I've been doing that as best I can while working 2 jobs.

I've been more physically affectionate because that's his language. When we've had sex, I've triggered... I can't stop thinking about things. So I quit having sex with him.

I didn't do anything with anyone while we were separated. I had one conversation that couldn't be considered "sexting", but it was sexual in nature. Nothing like - I want to do this to you or I want you to do this to me. But I feel like it was inappropriate for a married woman to have a conversation of that topic with a man. 

I've ended male friendships, despite the awkwardness of doing so, that he said made him feel threatened as the men had expressed an attraction to me while we were separated. The attraction was not reciprocated. I made it clear to them that it was not reciprocated... but apparently, I can't be friends with anyone who has found me remotely attractive.

I've made a real effort to put our relationship first... I am quitting the job that he despises, which I genuinely enjoy, but I'm exhausted as well. I've read the 5 Love Languages and have gotten most of the way through the 5LL for children. I bought "What's it like to be married to me?" and "Not Just Friends", but between the kids, giving him the attention he wants, cooking, cleaning, and 2 jobs, I don't have the time or energy to read them.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

It sounds to me like YOU are doing all the work, both the labor and the emotional work for R.

I think my WH stayed because I make good money too. He certainly wasn't acting like someone planning to leave. But on DDay I told him to get out. 

For the sake of my girls, I too gave him a chance for R, but very quickly it seemed obvious he wasn't willing to do the work, and he left again.

He needs to show you he deserves you.... if not, you and the kids are better off. I am so sorry


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

Some of it has come easily to him... and harder to me.

Like, the OW ended the affair 2 months after it began (at least that is the consensus of their stories and the texting records). So I haven't had to deal with its her or me... but at the same time, I keep searching for the other hers... of which I'm convinced that there are a few.

I know he reads this forum and my threads. So he knows all the tricks and can easily take anything he wants underground. He was already able to hide it from me so easily... for a full year after it ended.

And he told her that she wasn't his first... but now he tells me he lied to her and that she was his first and only affair. Of course, I don't believe that. 

I'm trying. I'm trying to look past all of that history and start fresh... I'm trying to look past the affair(s) and just focus on fixing the bad parts of our marriage... which those things are what made me want to leave the whole year before I found out about the affair. 

There are days where I know I don't love him and I don't feel like that will ever return, days when I look at him and don't know the person I see, days where I think I can't do this anymore - the kids will be fine with part-time parents... and I shove it all aside and pray and hope that tomorrow will be a better day because there are days where I enjoy his company and welcome the companionship and see the sun shining through all the clouds. I'm just waiting, praying, and hoping for the day when the sunny days outnumber the cloudy/rainy/hurricaney days.


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