# Should I have causal sex during separation?



## Jan416 (May 21, 2017)

Hi, I am new to TAM, but I have been reading the posts ever since my husband suddenly announced that he wanna give up on our marriage 6 months ago. 

Here is our story (sorry it is a bit long)....we met each other 11 years ago, it was love at first sight, and we decided to be spend our lives together after our second date. We have great sex life in the first 2 years of our relationship, then...it just deteriorated to none. He was under a lot of stress from his work at that time, and we were good in other aspects of our relationship, so I didn't care much.

We got married 5 years ago, actually at that time, things between us have become very routine...and I thought, as I was already 30 and we have spent 6 years together (sexless), we should get married and probably things will get better. We had a very small wedding, and actually when my marriage counselor asked me some weeks ago, were you super happy on your wedding day? I have to admit I was not. I was happy, but I was not thrilled, I was happy that I was married to him finally. I had so much expectation on our wedding night, but he just went to bed and sleep, just like any other night. So yes, we didn't even have sex on our wedding night.

I have talked to him many times, saying we should have our sex life back...since it is what a healthy marriage should have. He always said he was not happy at work, and very stressful, and sex was not his priority now. Over the year, I just accepted that I live in a sexless marriage, and tried to convince myself we are good. Then in the last 2 years, as I am getting older, I wanna start a family...So he finally agreed that we should try to do it again. But unfortunately, we have been unsuccessful to do it even once. I admit that I have given him a lot of pressure, but at the same time, his career was going downhill, and he became depressed.

Finally in Feb, he said he has had enough, he was unhappy and wanted a divorce. I was devastated at that time and I offered to move back to my parents' place for 3 months as a trial separation and at the same time we went to marriage counseling to try to make it work. However, all along he was mean and unfeeling, and insisted that there is nothing left in our marriage. Even our marriage counselor asked me to give up, but I just couldn't. I was so depressed that I have to see a clinical psychologist as i cried almost everyday, at work and at home.

After our trial separation ended, I just moved back to our home, of course against his will. He then found an apartment near our home in a week and claimed he will move out ASAP. And I don't why, but I just don't care that much now, may be I have passed the self denial phase finally. I started to organize my life better, do exercise, read books, meet friends that I haven't seen for quite a while. And when my husband said that I am not desperate anymore, his attitude started to change. I am not sure if I want to save our marriage now, but I do think him moving out may not be a bad idea anymore, since it will give me some space to think again.

Few weeks ago, out of curiosity, I downloaded an online dating app and started talking to random guys. I actually didn't know what I was looking for at that time, that I just want to see what it is like to talk to guys other than my husband. Then there was a guy, who was quite nice...we chatted for 2 weeks, then he started flirting and sexting me Initially, I was pretty surprised...I mean, being committed to a man for so long, even we don't have sex at all, I was pretty shy at sexual stuff. Finally, he asked me if I want to meet and sleep with him. I was pretty conflicted, as I don't know what is gonna happen between me and my husband. He is gonna move out next week, but his attitude does change over the last few days....On the other hand, as a grown woman, I really want to meet that guy just to satisfy my sexual needs, after all, I haven't actually had real sex for years. 

Is it a bad idea for me to meet and sleep with this guy?


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

Do you think the right thing to do would be to wait till you were divorced.? Whatever your conscience is OK with. Now you have to ask yourself, what would be the right thing to do you morally.?


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

Don't ask us for permission to do something you want. Personally I would not. It doesn't seem like anything has been resolved between the two of you or within yourself. Do you feel ready, or are you just looking for physical validation of the online attention you've received?

Granted I am only two months out, but I would do things in the order that feels right to me. I probably wouldn't have signed up for the dating apps though.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Go get a kawyer and file for divorce. Then game on!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It's usually best to file, then ****. However, if either - or both - of you are certain you won't reconcile and have communicated that to each other, then have fun when you wish. (An exception may apply if you live in a state where "infidelity" can impact the divorce decree.)

I was sure there would be no reconciliation when I moved out, and I didn't wait - and I'm glad I didn't.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You can only take rejection so many times before you accept it and that's where you're at.I would wait until next week and INSIST on him moving out.
Then go for it!


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

Just do it. Go ahead and get laid. You deserve it after all this time.


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

Jan416 said:


> So he finally agreed that we should try to do it again. But unfortunately, we have been unsuccessful to do it even once. *I admit that I have given him a lot of pressure*, but at the same time, his career was going downhill, and he became depressed.


There's your answer as to where your sex life went, I'm afraid. 

I wouldn't just have sex with random people you meet online, you don't know who they are, but that's just me. If it would help you 'get it out of your system', then having some fun would be a good thing, I would think.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Ghost Rider said:


> Just do it. Go ahead and get laid. You deserve it after all this time.


As much as I want to agree I think she would be better filing first and taking her time instead of just banging casual people.


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## BrokenArrow (Jul 28, 2017)

I feel your frustration of a sexless wedding night! I did not think such a thing was possible.
We had a party of parties and we ducked out early, which of course I was thrilled at. She wanted a bath and took one. 
And then headed off to sleep. It still haunts me 16 years later.

As for when I would have sex in your position, I'd wait perhaps 2 weeks or so AFTER your husband moves out. Keep it extremely casual of course.
I am sure the online guy will wait. Because horny is still horny 1 month from now.

The idea that sometime in the near future you will get to have gratifying sexual encounters is something to look forward to. It's one of the thoughts I see as a silver lining.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

actions have consequences, even during separation. You are in the long game now. Wait.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Jan416 said:


> Hi, I am new to TAM, but I have been reading the posts ever since my husband suddenly announced that he wanna give up on our marriage 6 months ago.
> Here is our story (sorry it is a bit long)....we met each other 11 years ago, it was love at first sight, and we decided to be spend our lives together after our second date. We have great sex life in the first 2 years of our relationship, then...it just deteriorated to none. He was under a lot of stress from his work at that time, and we were good in other aspects of our relationship, so I didn't care much.
> We got married 5 years ago, actually at that time, things between us have become very routine...and I thought, as I was already 30 and we have spent 6 years together (sexless), we should get married and probably things will get better. We had a very small wedding, and actually when my marriage counselor asked me some weeks ago, were you super happy on your wedding day? I have to admit I was not. I was happy, but I was not thrilled, I was happy that I was married to him finally. I had so much expectation on our wedding night, but he just went to bed and sleep, just like any other night. So yes, we didn't even have sex on our wedding night.
> I have talked to him many times, saying we should have our sex life back...since it is what a healthy marriage should have. He always said he was not happy at work, and very stressful, and sex was not his priority now. Over the year, I just accepted that I live in a sexless marriage, and tried to convince myself we are good. Then in the last 2 years, as I am getting older, I wanna start a family...So he finally agreed that we should try to do it again. But unfortunately, we have been unsuccessful to do it even once. I admit that I have given him a lot of pressure, but at the same time, his career was going downhill, and he became depressed.
> ...


It looks like your marriage is over. Usually it is a good idea to wait until you are divorced. However, under the circumstances you and your H could sit down and talk about the terms of the separation. It appears it is not a separation to work on things to get back together but as a prelude to divorce. In that case he and you need to agree whether dating during the time is appropriate and go from there.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I would say wait until you're absolutely certain you and your husband aren't going to reconcile. If there's any hope at all, I wouldn't have casual sex. And I think that while you might think it's casual, it might turn into much more, and you're not yet divorced. So, before you bring more drama into your life, I'd at least be sure that there's no hope at all for your marriage.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Jan416 said:


> Hi, I am new to TAM, but I have been reading the posts ever since my husband suddenly announced that he wanna give up on our marriage 6 months ago.
> Here is our story (sorry it is a bit long)....we met each other 11 years ago, it was love at first sight, and we decided to be spend our lives together after our second date. We have great sex life in the first 2 years of our relationship, then...it just deteriorated to none. He was under a lot of stress from his work at that time, and we were good in other aspects of our relationship, so I didn't care much.
> We got married 5 years ago, actually at that time, things between us have become very routine...and I thought, as I was already 30 and we have spent 6 years together (sexless), we should get married and probably things will get better. We had a very small wedding, and actually when my marriage counselor asked me some weeks ago, were you super happy on your wedding day? I have to admit I was not. I was happy, but I was not thrilled, I was happy that I was married to him finally. I had so much expectation on our wedding night, but he just went to bed and sleep, just like any other night. So yes, we didn't even have sex on our wedding night.
> I have talked to him many times, saying we should have our sex life back...since it is what a healthy marriage should have. He always said he was not happy at work, and very stressful, and sex was not his priority now. Over the year, I just accepted that I live in a sexless marriage, and tried to convince myself we are good. Then in the last 2 years, as I am getting older, I wanna start a family...So he finally agreed that we should try to do it again. But unfortunately, we have been unsuccessful to do it even once. I admit that I have given him a lot of pressure, but at the same time, his career was going downhill, and he became depressed.
> ...



You have been with your husband for 11 years, married for 6 in a sexless marriage. Is your husband secretly gay? Ask him why does not want to be intimate with you? Clearly you both are not on the same page sexually. Divorce him and then sleep around. If you fool around with other guy(s) before you divorce everyone's life will get conflicted and everyone will get hurt when the truth comes out. Meanwhile your husband senses you are moving on and is trying t control you. If you wish to try and preserve your marriage tell him you want to stay married but you insist on hot steamy sex toe curling sex TWICE a day for 6 months as a test. If he as a man in his 30's as you both are I assume cannot pass that test ditch him. Sex is your birthright. Don't waste time with someone who is not on the same page.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Get the divorce first, give yourself more than ample time during the divorce process to fully grieve over your "mistake," and then you likely will not come anywhere close to repeating that mistake again!

Once the divorce is pronounced, then it's largely up to you as what you'd like to do regarding dating! *


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Wait until husband is moved out but an actual divorce can take some time. 
Live a little. After being sexless for so long your self esteem can take a hit. Reminding yourself how desirable you are and that sex is fun is healthy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Jan416

Because of societal stereo types, we tend to think that it's always the woman choses to make a marriage sexless. Instead, studies show that men chose to make their marriage sexless as often as women do.

We hear so often that men are always ready for sex. If a man does not want sex with a woman, clearly it must be her fault. So women tend to feel guilty and not talk openly about their sexless marriage knowing that most people will put the blame on them, even if it's the husband causing the sexless marriage.

I want to start by providing a link for you that addresses this issue of women in sexless marriages. It's a long thread, so read at least the first page since a lot of resources are provided. The rest of the thread is mostly women talking about their sexless, or near sexless marriages.

*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html*

.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The reason that you don't care as much now is that you spend months living away from your husband and your bond to him is now pretty much broken. You are ready to move on.

You are still young enough to find a guy who loves sex, will marry you and how wants children with you. Why not go for it.

Why not file for divorce ASAP. Check your state laws about dating and adultery. In some states at no fault and adultery does not matter. But there are a few that still have fault divorce and that consider any sexual contact with someone other than your spouse, to be adultery, up to the date that the divorce is final. And in those states, it can affect the divorce settlement. Talk to a lawyer.

And, to be honest, I think it's a really bad idea to meet up with your online buddy to have sex in person the very first time you meet. What do you really know about this man? He could be the local serial killer for all you know. The very fact that he's been sexting you and then suggest meeting up just for sex pretty much says that sex is all he wants. Is that really the way you want to go about this?

What I suggest is that you meet him in person in some place like a coffee shop. Get to know him. Have some dates in public first. And do a back ground check on him. When I was dating online, I did a background check on every guy I met. I was not going to waste my time with men who had police records and other issue that are public record. I check out whether they really worked where they said they did... made sure I could call him at work, through the company keyboard so that I knew he was working there. I met some friends of his too. Even made sure that what he said about his family was real. Also made sure that what he said about his marital status was real.

Seriously, if you care one whit about yourself you don't just meet men on line and hook up for sex without knowing who they are. I know you are new at this, so I'm just trying to get you over the learning curve without you getting hurt.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Go for it. He probably has already anyways. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Jan416 said:


> Hi, I am new to TAM, but I have been reading the posts ever since my husband suddenly announced that he wanna give up on our marriage 6 months ago.
> 
> Here is our story (sorry it is a bit long)....we met each other 11 years ago, it was love at first sight, and we decided to be spend our lives together after our second date. We have great sex life in the first 2 years of our relationship, then...it just deteriorated to none. He was under a lot of stress from his work at that time, and we were good in other aspects of our relationship, so I didn't care much.
> 
> ...


Yes it is. It wont help you at all. Get the divorce over with and then give yourself space to heal and recover before you think of another man.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Yes it is. It wont help you at all. Get the divorce over with, you are still married till then, and then give yourself space to heal and recover before you think of another man.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

OP it really depends on what you are comfortable with. But I have to ask if the OLD guy is aware of your situation? There are guys out there, who just prey on desperate women. I am not saying you are desperate, but many women coming out of a sexless marriage are all about getting some sex. They figure if they are paying the price of admission, they might as well see the show. There is nothing wrong with that. But if stay for the show even if they don't like it, that is desperation. OTOH they may find they enjoy the show very much and see as many as they possibly can. Again, nothing wrong with that. But in the end it is up to you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Wait until you're divorced.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

I am with the "wait until after the divorce" crowd. But honestly, this is your call as you are the only one who will have to live with whatever the consequences are. And at this moment, it's difficult to know what the consequences will be. He could be a great guy, you could meet him and be totally turned off, he could be a psycho, I could mess you up emotionally, or everything could be fine. Invest in a vibrator, and take some time to figure out what you really want? Do you want a one night stand? Do you want a Friends with benefits situation? Or do you want to start looking for something more serious? Take your time to figure that out, before sleeping with someone.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

I would wait until the divorce, which waiting is total downer I know but try to look at it as something to totally look forward to. I'm a female in a sexless marriage too who already feels sorry for any guy I may hook up with after the divorce. I'm gonna run him ragged.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> The reason that you don't care as much now is that you spend months living away from your husband and your bond to him is now pretty much broken. You are ready to move on.
> 
> You are still young enough to find a guy who loves sex, will marry you and how wants children with you. Why not go for it.
> 
> ...


Quoted for truth! 

Take some time to get settled, and then find someone that will appreciate all of you, not just use you.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Follow your own moral compass.


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