# Married long time - having problems.



## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Married 17 years, together almost 25.
Got two kids, 10 years and 6 months.

Problem is that last few months wife has really changed. Number of reasons why we're just not getting on.

1. Shes so self-centred. Everything seems to be about her and how hard done by she is. I run my own business and sometimes have to drive to clients (few hours each way) and then do full days work. She doesnt seem to care about this and all I get is how easy I've got it when shes got to look after the baby.

Things like doing company accounts are seen as things that don't matter and I should 'find' the time to do this. Cleaning the house is more important and I should be pulling my weight.

DIY is expected. Again, she snaps her fingers and its done. Jobs that take hours are expected to be done when she says.

2. There's a permanent bad atmosphere in the house. Shes constantly snapping at things I say or making really nasty comments. Not the sort of thing that is nice to have all the time. It really gets me down.

3. Shes never wrong and has no tolerance for anyone else. If you don't do something EXACTLY as she expects then its wrong. No-one else opinion matters. Same with arguments - its NEVER EVER her fault for anything.

Most of the time I ignore a lot of this but we had a big argument recently. She snapped at something that was just so stupid and this time I didn't back down. It escalated and escalated and ended up her saying some really nasty things. REALLY nasty.

That's part of the problem, usually I ignore, but on the odd occasion it gets me and I don't back down, she most definitely won't EVER because shes right and I'm wrong. Then it escalates.

To be honest, if I stuck up for myself every time we'd have split by now. She doesn't seem to care and just cares that shes right. Really plays on my mind that I'm ALWAYS the one that has to back down to return things to a sane level.

Its like there's a battle of minds going on and shes determined to win whatever the cost. It upsets me that either I give in or we get divorced it seems. And she knows this.

Tried talking to her - degenerates into an argument. Tried to talking to her mother - shes been similar with her recently but he mother won't get involved and just keeps her head down.

Of course, saying that I love her to bits and don't want to split up. If it goes to that, it'd be me living in flat somewhere and not seeing my kids every day.

We've had some ups and downs over the years but when things are good she really is my best friend as well. Life without her when things are good is hard to think about it.

Also, I guess I'm not perfect though. I do tend to be a bit messy but I don't think I'm the worlds worst. 

Thinking about whats changed the past few months seems to have affected her moods. 

She was pretty ill when she was pregnant (daughter is 6 months now) and had a really rough time. Shes also been ill since which hasn't helped things.

Wife never does very well without sleep and appreciate its hard with a baby sometimes. There have been times when I've had to work away which is tough for her.

Of course, xmas is always a stressful time and things have been a bit hectic at home with building work being done. None of this has helped her mood.

Not making excuses for her just trying to see how I can solve things. Easy enough to say don't put up with it, but I know where that'll end and with kids and such a long time together thats a last resort. 

Any comments would be appreciated......


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

bob1471 said:


> Problem is that last few months wife has really changed....Thinking about whats changed the past few months seems to have affected her moods. She was pretty ill when she was pregnant (daughter is 6 months now)....


Bob, when a woman has been emotionally stable for 17 years and then suddenly has mood problems, the first thing I would ask the doctor about is a hormone change. One possibility is a hormone-induced *postpartum* depression, which can last as long as two years I understand. If that is the problem, you could have another year of this behavior to put up with if she doesn't get medical attention. Another possibility, given that she is in the 35-55 age group, is *perimenopause*, which also causes strong hormone changes. Both of those life changes can result in a temporary period of irritability and angry outbursts over nothing.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Uptown said:


> Bob, when a woman has been emotionally stable for 17 years and then suddenly has mood problems, the first thing I would ask the doctor about is a hormone change. One possibility is a hormone-induced *postpartum* depression, which can last as long as two years I understand. If that is the problem, you could have another year of this behavior to put up with if she doesn't get medical attention. Another possibility, given that she is in the 35-55 age group, is *perimenopause*, which also causes strong hormone changes. Both of those life changes can result in a temporary period of irritability and angry outbursts over nothing.


Good point. She has suffered with depression in the past and did after our first child.

Trouble is if I bring the subject up now it causes arguments because she says I'm accusing her of not being able to cope etc.

Anyone got any comments on how else to deal with things?


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## JohnC_depressed (Dec 6, 2012)

Bob I'm on-board with the depression thing. After our son was born my wife's life changed a lot more than mine as she had to stay home and do primary care. She too became irritable, nasty and said some really horrible things. Arguing back will only add fuel to the fire. I think you should really try and pick it up and try to help her more. Let her have free time from the baby when you are home, clean up the house as much as you can so she doesn't have to, do laundry etc. I get it, you are working all day and your contributions go unnoticed but that's just the way it is right now. Hopefully she comes out of it quickly. Maybe next time she has a doctors appointment you can go to and voice our concerns WRT depression issue.


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## Gomerpyle (Dec 27, 2013)

But with either one of those there are still moments of clarity with a reasonable person where they acknowledge there is something wrong with them. 

Anger is a control mechanism abusive people use against others. They learn that so long as they escalate to an unbearable level, everyone else will back down. The only way to break them of that is very calmly give them the option of behaving or face penalties that are meaningful to them. With a child throwing a tantrum you can put them in a room or whatever but with an adult ultimately it comes down to what you already said - you would have split by now if you weren't giving in to this inappropriate anger.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Gomerpyle said:


> But with either one of those there are still moments of clarity with a reasonable person where they acknowledge there is something wrong with them.
> 
> Anger is a control mechanism abusive people use against others. They learn that so long as they escalate to an unbearable level, everyone else will back down. The only way to break them of that is very calmly give them the option of behaving or face penalties that are meaningful to them. With a child throwing a tantrum you can put them in a room or whatever but with an adult ultimately it comes down to what you already said - you would have split by now if you weren't giving in to this inappropriate anger.


Think you're right to be honest. But thats the choice isnt it? And I dont want to split.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

She just had a baby and the hormone change can really cause problems. She should see a doctor. Women have been known to hurt their children when like this.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

A few questions: was this baby planned or a surprise? 10 years is a long time between kids.....Also, maybe she's not happy being home with the baby? It's not for everyone, I did it for 5 years and I now have a pretty demanding job. For me the staying at home part was soul sucking, and if you're gone a lot the isolation is worse. Your sleep schedule never normalizes, and for me it didn't matter how much I napped I was always exhausted. I'm sure I had severe post partum, and my ex was an a$$hole about everything. I hear a certain amount of his attitude on your post (ie all she has to do is look after the baby while I slave away), but perhaps that's just your frustration talking.
Sit your wife down when you're both calm and ask her if she's happy staying at home. Is there any way you could get a job where you're home more? Even if she goes back to work? I can promise you that your wife is falling apart right now and if there was ever a time for you as a husband to lead, like the men of TAM are so fond of recommending, it is right now. I think she will be more receptive to going to the doctor if she sees you're looking at what you can do as well, sometimes women will get upset if we think you're poo pooing everything by blaming our hormones. It probably is to some degree, but I bet there are changes you can both make here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

bob1471 said:


> Married 17 years, together almost 25.
> Got two kids, 10 years and 6 months.
> 
> Problem is that last few months wife has really changed. Number of reasons why we're just not getting on.
> ...


I'm probably around your wife's age. If I had a baby now, I would probably be in a depression and a long term bad mood, too, lol.

You're committed to her, right? You are not interested in divorce as an option, so you have to just make this work the best you can. Accept that at least for now, you are carrying your marriage. 

How about, just as a start, not ignoring her comments? Ignoring is just not going to help you guys. She wants to feel you hear her, and ignoring her will probably make her mood worse.

When she starts snapping, how about listening and just trying to regard her with compassion? I know, it seems unfair, but you are the one who wants to make this better right now. Leaders are sometimes alone, at least for a while.

Don't talk to her; just listen. Repeat back to her what she said. If you can genuinely empathize with her, really try to put yourself into her shoes, I bet this process will work even better. She will probably soften if she feels listened to and understood, and not ignored or reprimanded.

If you feel you need to say something, use "I" statements: I feel hurt when I hear that. I feel sad when I hear that. I want to do the best for you. I'm sorry I cannot be here with you more, etc.

Modeling this way of treating each other could go a long way towards softening your wife's heart, and maybe even inspiring her to apologize for her unkind remarks.

And just ignore those unkind remarks, anyway. She doesn't really mean them. She is probably just completely overwhelmed and frustrated by the lack of sleep and being home alone and having the constant responsibility of taking care of the baby. Gosh, I feel tired just thinking about it!

Be there for her, Bob. You are obviously a kind man and mature enough to be able to do this. She needs your support right now. Be her hero.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> A few questions: was this baby planned or a surprise? 10 years is a long time between kids.....Also, maybe she's not happy being home with the baby? It's not for everyone, I did it for 5 years and I now have a pretty demanding job. For me the staying at home part was soul sucking, and if you're gone a lot the isolation is worse. Your sleep schedule never normalizes, and for me it didn't matter how much I napped I was always exhausted. I'm sure I had severe post partum, and my ex was an a$$hole about everything. I hear a certain amount of his attitude on your post (ie all she has to do is look after the baby while I slave away), but perhaps that's just your frustration talking.
> Sit your wife down when you're both calm and ask her if she's happy staying at home. Is there any way you could get a job where you're home more? Even if she goes back to work? I can promise you that your wife is falling apart right now and if there was ever a time for you as a husband to lead, like the men of TAM are so fond of recommending, it is right now. I think she will be more receptive to going to the doctor if she sees you're looking at what you can do as well, sometimes women will get upset if we think you're poo pooing everything by blaming our hormones. It probably is to some degree, but I bet there are changes you can both make here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Planned. I guess its just harder than we remember this time.

Hmm. Don't think I have the attitude I hope. I'll do what I can to help though.

To be honest, things seem a LOT better since the huge argument just before Xmas. Its as if theres less stress for her now.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

jld said:


> I'm probably around your wife's age. If I had a baby now, I would probably be in a depression and a long term bad mood, too, lol.
> 
> You're committed to her, right? You are not interested in divorce as an option, so you have to just make this work the best you can. Accept that at least for now, you are carrying your marriage.
> 
> ...


Cheers jld. Thanks for the advice. Might try this.

Baby was planned BTW....


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Well it was Ok for few days but not so good again. She had a real go at me the other day. I went to do a chore that normally takes about 40-45 mins.

After 55 mins shes sending me texts asking me where I am. Then she rings me really off.

When I'm home (After 60 mins) she says I've left her on her own with the baby and I need to communicate. WTF.

I've got friends who pop round the shop and go to the pub for 3 hours!!!! And I'm 10 mins later than normal....


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Active Listening, Bob, active listening. Listen and repeat, listen and repeat. It can work wonders.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

jld said:


> Active Listening, Bob, active listening. Listen and repeat, listen and repeat. It can work wonders.


Yeh. I hear what you're saying. Its just so tough when its everything and really stupid things that she percieves I'm wrong about.

Maybe its me but it just annoys me so much. I just want a quiet life not arguing and snapping about stupid little things.

I'm trying but some days its just constant belittling and moaning.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

jld said:


> Active Listening, Bob, active listening. Listen and repeat, listen and repeat. It can work wonders.


i love how you keep pushing active listening. it really does work wonders.

in my case, it works best when my wife doesn't know im doing it. 
i gotta be crafty like that. but it still works pretty good.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

bob1471 said:


> Yeh. I hear what you're saying. Its just so tough when its everything and really stupid things that she percieves I'm wrong about.
> 
> Maybe its me but it just annoys me so much. I just want a quiet life not arguing and snapping about stupid little things.
> 
> I'm trying but some days its just constant belittling and moaning.


I know, Bob. Life is hard. I wanted babies that didn't cry.  Just didn't happen. 

But we grow from the hard times. It sounds like if you want things to get better, you are going to have to lead the way. It is okay to just vent, too, and if you want to do that here, just let us know that you just want to vent, and don't want advice. Otherwise, we are going to assume you would like our help to solve your problems.

I don't think your problem is really very hard, even though it seems like that. Just taking responsibility for getting communication going, mainly through active listening, could work wonders. At least she is still talking to you. You'll know it is really bad when she stops.

So take advantage of this time when she is still willing to try to communicate with you to repeat back to her what she is saying. Just keep on doing it.

And then let us know how it went.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

As'laDain said:


> i love how you keep pushing active listening. it really does work wonders.
> 
> in my case, it works best when my wife doesn't know im doing it.
> i gotta be crafty like that. but it still works pretty good.


Lol, As'laDain. I love active listening. I see so many posts here where I think it could do wonders. Maybe someday the message will get through!

It's great that you take responsibility for your marriage. My husband does, too. There is so much criticism of that, but for us it works really well. I can not imagine being in a marriage where I was carrying the load. Not the life I want to live at all.

Keep up the good work! 

And btw, your wife seems really sweet. I am sure you know you are lucky, and that is why you are working hard to keep things good between you. Smart man!


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Well, Im trying. Still no change.

I come home from work and its like a black cloud in the house. If I say one wrong word it escalates.....


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

The active listening seems good. Eventually, you may need to 180 to get her attention. Schedule MC if 180 reaches her.

180 is not a ploy to fix your relationship. You need to be prepared to get out of the relationship if it is not going to meet your needs for decades


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Bob,

First of all, keep things in perspective. Year 1 of new baby is tough. You haven't been in that mode for a long time. You forgot how tough it is. It's physically demanding and draining. She's tired and her hormones are probably not doing her (or you) any favors either.

I'm assuming that she was more reasonable pre-baby? If so, then you have hope. If baby has amplified an existing situation, then you may have a bigger hill to climb.

All the advice on Active Listening given to you so far is utterly useless to you. Active Listening works if you have a rational person on the other end of the conversation. You have a worn out, tired, possibly depressed spouse who's just trying to make it through the next day. You're an easy target because you are willing to accept it.

I think your solution rests in boundaries without emotions. (Much easier to type than to implement, I know.) 

Right now, she chews you out, makes everybody feel on edge and she gets what she wants right? You have to slowly change this dynamic. It's difficult because it's akin to sticking your head in the lion's mouth. But, you're the leader of the family and you have to do it.

The short form here is that you have to above it all - almost as a disinterested observer pointing out the absurdness of how she is treating you. Pick your shots, but when she goes on one of her rants, do the following:

- Preface conversation with "I know it's difficult being SAHM taking care of baby. I get that."

- Still no excuse for talking to me in this way / treating me in this fashion. You wouldn't talk to your friend/mother/sister in this way. I want to be your partner in getting things done, but for that to happen, you have to begin treating me like you would a friend or partner. It's not acceptable to treat me the way you do.

- Take kids and scram for an hour. Take to the park or McDonald's or whatever. Just get out of her hair.

- When you come back, she'll likely try to apologize. Accept apology but remind her that only way to know that apology is sincere is for her to start putting her mind into gear before putting her mouth into motion.

-You will have to do this literally dozens of times to reverse engrained behaviors. 

In short, you have to show yourself emotionally impervious to her bad moods but not willing to accept being treated like her toxic emotional dumping ground. 

You're in for a rocky ride. This is not easy.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Has she seen the doctor yet?


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

I agree that she should see a doctor.

I had post-partum depression. I was definitely MUCH crankier, and it is the only time we have had many arguments in our marriage. 

My husband sat down with me one day in a calmer moment and told me, "I have known you for over 20 years. I have seen you in many stressful situations. In all that time, in those circumstances, I have never seen you act the way you are acting now. Something is wrong. You are not yourself, you are being someone else. We are going to see a doctor."

Now, at the time I knew something was wrong. However, his words are what got me from my internal "I will push through this, it's just rough being a new mom" original mind-set to "Hello, I am calling to make an appointment."

You know your wife best of all. I think active listening is a great communication tool and works in many situations. It would not have worked with me, in that particular time. I didn't really feel depressed- I was mostly agitated and angry, and so any attempt to be reasonable or repeat anything back to me would have just led to more escalation. 

My DH took a tact as described by MarriedTex- he would look at me, say something like "OK, yeah. You are out of hand. You can talk to me later when you've calmed down" and he'd head out to the garage or other room. Or, often, I would just leave until I calmed down.

That is what worked for me and my DH. Hopefully you and your wife find a way that works for you as well.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its time to establish new boundrys and respect...hell if you can't get her to respect you how in the hell are you going to convince her see a doctor....

Maybe at the cost of losing you she might get some help. maybe if she sees a confident guy who command respect she will second guess what she is about to lose if she continues.

Chicks dig confident guys and it time you just let her go if she want to disrespect your like this...maybe she will think twice in what she is about to lose...maybe she has you figured as someone that ain't going no were and can do and say what ever the hell she wants without consequences.

Thats the thing about bad behavior...with out consequence it continues.

What the hell is she thinking....she is the only women you can get?


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

longwalk said:


> the active listening seems good. Eventually, you may need to 180 to get her attention. Schedule mc if 180 reaches her.
> 
> 180 is not a ploy to fix your relationship. You need to be prepared to get out of the relationship if it is not going to meet your needs for decades


mc? 180?


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

MarriedTex said:


> Bob,
> 
> First of all, keep things in perspective. Year 1 of new baby is tough. You haven't been in that mode for a long time. You forgot how tough it is. It's physically demanding and draining. She's tired and her hormones are probably not doing her (or you) any favors either.
> 
> ...


Cheers MT. Very good advice.

She was always a little bit like this but much worse since the baby and being ill to be honest.

I think you're right though. Last night she said something to me really off. I just calming said - theres no need to be like that and went off and did something with the kids for 30 mins.

When I came back she apologised. Its a start.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

tryingtobebetter said:


> Has she seen the doctor yet?


For illness or depression? Illness yes. Depression no.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

RoseAglow said:


> I agree that she should see a doctor.
> 
> I had post-partum depression. I was definitely MUCH crankier, and it is the only time we have had many arguments in our marriage.
> 
> ...


Thanks Rose. I have tried this. She just gets annoyed and says I'm saying theres something wrong with her.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

bob1471 said:


> Cheers MT. Very good advice.
> 
> She was always a little bit like this but much worse since the baby and being ill to be honest.
> 
> ...


I believe in love and limits. But it is always possible to learn to just control a person, if that is what you want. Plenty of prisoners are obedient.

I suggest you keep tying the strings of love between your hearts through active listening, kindness, and patience.

If you have to leave, you could preface it with, "I don't feel I can be the husband you need me to be right now. I am going to take a 30 minute break and calm down and recenter. I will be back then and I will be happy to listen to your concerns. I hope I will be able to help." That is at least a loving approach, which will bond her to you.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

bob1471 said:


> Thanks Rose. I have tried this. She just gets annoyed and says I'm saying theres something wrong with her.


Just be glad she is still looking to you for love and understanding. You really have a problem when she has gone without it for so long she doesn't care anymore.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

bob1471 said:


> For illness or depression? Illness yes. Depression no.


For depression. I think it is important she goes and discusses it with a sympathetic doctor, based on what you have said.

I realise it may not be easy. I had major depression when I was a young man. It took a while to persuade me that I might be suffering from depression. There was stigma then against accepting the idea where I live ,though it is reduced now. But the penny did eventually drop. But unless you introduce the idea to her (which perhaps you have already done?) she may never address the possibility.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Well, Im trying its just not getting any better. At the moment, I can only see it going one way.

See my other post. She really is totally ungrateful for everything. I dont think theres a man out there in the universe who meet her high standards.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Bob, did you ever persuade her to see a doctor to check for postpartum depression and perimenopause, as I suggested last December? If she is refusing to see a doctor, you should be enforcing some very strong boundaries. Having depression or perimenopause doesn't give a woman a free pass to verbally abuse her H. She should be held accountable, which means she should suffer the logical consequences of that bad behavior. Hence, when she started being verbally abusive, you should have gone to the pub to watch the rugby game -- as long as you can do so without harming your young child.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Uptown said:


> Bob, did you ever persuade her to see a doctor to check for postpartum depression and perimenopause, as I suggested last December? If she is refusing to see a doctor, you should be enforcing some very strong boundaries. Having depression or perimenopause doesn't give a woman a free pass to verbally abuse her H. She should be held accountable, which means she should suffer the logical consequences of that bad behavior. Hence, when she started being verbally abusive, you should have gone to the pub to watch the rugby game -- as long as you can do so without harming your young child.


Tried. She refuses to go. Tried talking but she says I'm blaming her and telling her there something wrong with her.

Without kids it would have been possible to go to the pub. With the kids in the middle, it complicates things. If I just left then I'd be the bad one dumping the kids on her.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

bob1471 said:


> Without kids it would have been possible to go to the pub. With the kids in the middle, it complicates things. If I just left then I'd be the bad one dumping the kids on her.


When your W is being irrational and verbally abusive, she will perceive of you as "the bad one" no matter what you. She will think of herself as "The Victim" and will "validate" that false self image by blaming everything on you. Hence, when deciding how to enforce your personal boundaries, do not be dissuaded by a fear of being labeled "the bad one." Being labeled "the good one" is not even an option.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Uptown said:


> Bob, did you ever persuade her to see a doctor to check for postpartum depression and perimenopause, as I suggested last December? If she is refusing to see a doctor, you should be enforcing some very strong boundaries. Having depression or perimenopause doesn't give a woman a free pass to verbally abuse her H. She should be held accountable, which means she should suffer the logical consequences of that bad behavior. Hence, when she started being verbally abusive, you should have gone to the pub to watch the rugby game -- as long as you can do so without harming your young child.


:iagree:

OP
When the argument escalates, and you mentioned some nasty or very nasty things she says........could you be more specific? What's the very worst thing she has said to you in he last few months?


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Uptown said:


> When your W is being irrational and verbally abusive, she will perceive of you as "the bad one" no matter what you. She will think of herself as "The Victim" and will "validate" that false self image by blaming everything on you. Hence, when deciding how to enforce your personal boundaries, do not be dissuaded by a fear of being labeled "the bad one." Being labeled "the good one" is not even an option.


Thats just spooky. Exactly how it is.

She sees it as she is the one who is hard done by all the time. Always centred around her and she doesnt think shes ever wrong.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> :iagree:
> 
> OP
> When the argument escalates, and you mentioned some nasty or very nasty things she says........could you be more specific? What's the very worst thing she has said to you in he last few months?


Its mostly low level stuff. 99% of the time not that bad just not friendly if you know what I mean. A little snap here and a slightly off comment here and there. But the fact that its constant it gets you down.

She just always seems irritated with everything.

Things that have wound me up the most in the past few months the most are:-

1. When she said, shall we go to McD for food. I said "hmm" and she started going on about how I expect her to cook, clean up, and never helped. I really went mad at this because it was just nuts to start over one comment I made. Her excuse when I said I never said that I just said "hmm" was I implied this. Jeez!

2. When she said "can't you ever put things away" the other day when I'd spent all day doing stuff around the house and had rushed to help her bath the baby.

So, its the fact that I get it in the next for stupid things like this that really wind me up.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Shes weird. Yesterday she was in a great mood. No problems at all.

Thats the main problem. Some days she just seems irritated by everyone and everything and its a no-win situation.

I do appreciate that her illness/looking after baby can be tough some days but the mood swings are unbelievable!


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

bob1471 said:


> mc? 180?


MC = marriage counseling

180 = A full 180 degree turn around from where you are now. That means have a relationship with your kids but disengage from your wife. Stop planning things with her, stop doing things with her, and concentrate on your own life instead of trying to fix hers. When she asks you a question, answer it in as short a sentence as possible. When she criticizes you, ignore her and leave the room. When she barks at you to do something, politely say no and leave. The point is to start living your life for you. That does two things; first, it helps prepare you if you decide to leave the marriage. Second, it gives her a taste of what life will be without you to kick around. 

You have to fix this problem, Bob. You might think sometimes you can tolerate it, but if she treats you like this, it means she will treat your child the same way when he/she is older and totally screw up your child's life. 

I recommend MC, and if that doesn't work I recommend the 180.


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## Csquare (Jan 14, 2014)

I've been reading about nutrition and brain health. People have reported good results with "the Mood Cure" by Julia Ross.


https://www.moodcure.com/


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## MysticSoul (Mar 3, 2014)

bob1471 said:


> Its mostly low level stuff. 99% of the time not that bad just not friendly if you know what I mean. A little snap here and a slightly off comment here and there. But the fact that its constant it gets you down.
> 
> She just always seems irritated with everything.
> 
> ...


I've used the bolded one recently (last night in fact!). In my situation, my DH was at work, I was lonely, in a great deal of pain from tweaking my back. I had spent three hours SLAVING in the kitchen between washing dishes and cooking food, and all I wanted was to lay down with the heating pad and a TENS unit since I'm not allowed to take pain pills (surgery tomorrow!). Lo and behold, DH was the LAST one to use BOTH those items and he didn't put EITHER of them back in their places. So here I am, in massive amounts of pain, with a back that is seizing up making it hard to walk, trying to rummage through all of DHs crud to find something that he SHOULD have put away. I finally dug the heating pad out from the mess on his desk, and by the end of it, I was in tears and screaming from the pain and frustration. 

Luckily DH wasn't home to hear the brunt of my anger. Luckily, I got to sleep on the heating pad over night, relax my muscles, and calm my nerves. When I woke up the next morning, DH was JUST coming home. I asked him where the TENS unit was, and explained that I had been frustrated last night when I couldn't find it. I looked him in the eye and said, "I was very angry that you didn't put it away in its place. Please be more considerate next time." and the conflict was over. 

Anyways, my long-drawn out story, was meant to illustrate if perhaps your wife's current behavior is from feeling emotionally frail, and perhaps have some pain mixed in somewhere. Her back, her feet, her head, etc. 

Perhaps when the kids go to bed, you could offer to massage your wife just to give her body some relief? Or just rub her feet when you're watching TV. Or take over some of those chores that keep her up and moving (like dishes, vacuuming, laundry, etc). Make sure SHE gets a chance to sit down and eat without interruptions. 

I think things like those will go a LONG way in helping her feel loved, appreciated, and cared for.


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