# Job Opportunity....Unsure how to proceed!!



## afm0455 (Apr 13, 2012)

Looking for some help or assistance as feedback is much appreciated.

My situation is that I was approached about transferring back to to my home area for a position of increased responsibility and pay. There are a multitude of reasons as to why I think this could be a good thing for us:

-Moves my immediate family back (and close to) our secondary family
-increase in pay (if it comes to D for us, I can better support family needs)
-Moves my wife back closer to her mom, which is a relationship that I damaged greatly by involving her when I found out about OM. I feel I owe it to W and MIL to help mend the relationship that I broke.
-Lastly, I just can't live here anymore. Everyday, I drive by park where she met OM that I busted up two weeks ago. She had my 18 month old daughter with her. Driving by makes me sick to my stomach and my heart breaks a little each day. She has a friend who helped facilitate meetups w/OM. Yes, W made decision to do this, but toxic friend played a part. That's not a friend to me, and yet, she still continues to talk with her.

I understand that our problems still go with us if we move, but for me, there's reason to be hopeful here. W see things differently than I do at this point. She's against the move, although she has said that she could perhaps entertain it at some point....just not at this point.

She has said, as of today, that if I get (and take) the job that we will need to work out arrangements for the time being b/c she will stay in Pittsburgh while I work in Philadelphia.

Unsure of what to do...job is a great opportunity for the above cited reasons and yet I feel so guilty for entertaining the idea of it (its a great opportunity, and and yet i still feel guilty!). W is adamantly against it at this point. Says that its symbolic of my wanting to control things.

Any help, suggestions, or otherwise would be so appreciative!


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Why is she staying in pitts? Is the OM currently there as well?

Moving to a different town/new job is a big plus, but sahe needs to undersatnd how she came to her position so she wont do it again.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Sounds like you need to do what's best for you and your family... not necessarily what's best for her.


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## afm0455 (Apr 13, 2012)

keko- she tells me she's would stay partly out of principle and that she has also built a network of 'friends' here.

to your question about OM - yes, he's in the area 4-5 miles away from my house. 

As I said, I can't live here anymore and am disgusted by the last 4-6 weeks of my life. We have 3 kids as well (7, 5, 1.5), which makes this all the more difficult.


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## afm0455 (Apr 13, 2012)

My thinking exactly Seattle ...our MC is against the idea (figured he would be)...because he says its my way of controlling things to the letter. W is a SAHM at present, so there's that to consider as well.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

afm0455 said:


> keko- she tells me she's would stay partly out of principle and that she has also built a network of 'friends' here.
> 
> to your question about OM - yes, he's in the area 4-5 miles away from my house.
> 
> As I said, I can't live here anymore and am disgusted by the last 4-6 weeks of my life. We have 3 kids as well (7, 5, 1.5), which makes this all the more difficult.


Don't fall for her reason's. You know very well what could/will happen if you leave them alone in the same city.

Plus you don't need her permission to move the family, she cheated and lost her credibility.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Do you think you are in R? Because it sounds like she is still in the affair with the OM.

The minute you leave, she's going to be having him over.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Bottom line is that she is still acting very selfishly. She is not considering you or the kids well being or the family as a whole.

She wants to remain close to the network of "friends" who knew about and facilitated the affair. Also close to the OM.

Has she shown any remorse at all for what she did? She should be jumping at the chance to get out of this situation to help put it in the rear view and rebuild what she destroyed. Why is she not doing that?

I don't think she is on board with the move because the idea that you will be working across the state making money and supporting her while she remains in a place where she can resume her destructive behavior without you looking over her shoulder is appealing to her.

Tell her that you and the kids are moving. Tell her that you want her with you. If she refuses. File the D and get a judge to order a temp custody to you. Get your family and hers on board as far as helping with the kids after you move.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Not really much info about your W's affair and what's going on now as you said it's only been 2 weeks.Has NC been established with certainty? How long was the affair and was it EA,PA or both? Are you 100% sure the affair is dead because if not then it is surely playing in to your wife's decisions.Staying partly out of principle I don't get and the fact her network of friends may include some who are not friends of your marriage has already been evidenced by the one who helped her in the affair.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Take the job.


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## afm0455 (Apr 13, 2012)

Affair was a an EA and lasted for almost 4 weeks (via email, text messaging, and few botched meetings that I uncovered). For all I know, it is still going on underground, and as stated, by my leaving (if I leave) it only furthers W's resolve to continue with EA.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Then you clearly aren't in R yet. You are still in affair killing mode.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I can point out the best places to eat and where to live if you need it (Im in the Philly area myself)


but wth with the wife staying?


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## afm0455 (Apr 13, 2012)

From Philly too Grew up in Bucks county, lived in Drexel Hill area for 7 yrs and like the possibility of going back after being in Pittsburgh for 1.5 yrs.

Makes me so skeptical on why the W can't see all of the positives with this. As a said, she's adamant at this point about not moving and cites my 'controlling' behavior and doing what I feel is right for the family w/o consulting her on it. She found out today that I have the first phone interview...see how it goes.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If she is still using the word controlling, then she is still in the EA. do you have ways to detect and track her contact with him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

How off base is....

"Listen wife. The family is moving. Now you either chose the family and come with, or you chose your self and stay here. Don't think for a second that I will support you if you stay here. Enjoy trying to pay the bills on your own."

Is that possible in this situation?


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## afm0455 (Apr 13, 2012)

I like that as a strategy Toronto, but is R possible after I've painted her into a corner like that. She's a SAHM, and if I get the job, I'll get full relocation assistance from my company (including selling the house).


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She is still in the affair. File for divorce, and take the job and move. Do not give her a penny of support.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> She is still in the affair. File for divorce, and take the job and move. Do not give her a penny of support.


:iagree:

This.


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## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

afm0455 said:


> I like that as a strategy Toronto, but is R possible after I've painted her into a corner like that. She's a SAHM, and if I get the job, I'll get full relocation assistance from my company (including selling the house).



I don't think a middle ground works in these scenarios. Marriages aren't a three person job.

It's either or. An R might not be possible if she decides to stay. That is her choice tho. You need to make the best decision for you and your family. She needs to see that there are consequences for putting herself first and her family second. That consequence might just be D.

Why would you want to be in a marriage with someone who makes you her second choice?


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

afm0455 said:


> My thinking exactly Seattle ...our MC is against the idea (figured he would be)...because he says its my way of controlling things to the letter. W is a SAHM at present, so there's that to consider as well.


If she's a SAHM, what's her justifaction for staying behind? Besides the obvious, that is.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

afm0455 said:


> From Philly too Grew up in Bucks county,



me too, 

uh oh

we could know each other.... (how old are you?)


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## afm0455 (Apr 13, 2012)

Unsure in Seattle said:


> If she's a SAHM, what's her justifaction for staying behind? Besides the obvious, that is.


That's what I'm trying to figure out....I'm being told that it's because:

-I'm controlling how this is going and didn't involve her in decision making
-principles, and that she doesn't want it that way any longer
-she likes it here....being a part of HOA, Mom's group, play dates, etc...

I have my own theory on the real 'why' of why she wants to stay, and that hasn't surfaced yet.


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## afm0455 (Apr 13, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> me too,
> 
> uh oh
> 
> we could know each other.... (how old are you?)


34, grew up in Fairless Hills and Doyestown through college years. You?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

All of it is gaslighting and blame-shifting to continue her affair.

You are the breadwinner. You cannot afford to let this opportunity pass you by. A supportive wife would be behind you all the way and would already be packing boxes.

C'mon man. Admit to yourself what she is doing.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

afm0455 said:


> That's what I'm trying to figure out....I'm being told that it's because:
> 
> -I'm controlling how this is going and didn't involve her in decision making
> -principles, and that she doesn't want it that way any longer
> ...


See, if she had a job and established roots, that would be one thing. 

Is your therapist supportive at all in any other way? They actually agreed that considering this big decision was being "controlling?" Might be time for a new therapist, if that's the road you decide to go down...

The "controlling" thing really eats me up.


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## afm0455 (Apr 13, 2012)

Unsure in Seattle said:


> See, if she had a job and established roots, that would be one thing. *My Thoughts Exactly!!!*
> 
> Is your therapist supportive at all in any other way? They actually agreed that considering this big decision was being "controlling?" Might be time for a new therapist, if that's the road you decide to go down...
> 
> ...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

afm0455 said:


> 34, grew up in Fairless Hills and Doyestown through college years. You?


youre off by a 8 years, I just turned 42 went to CRHS and went to Univ Maryland for college

if fairless hills is NeshHS then you could know my wife who graduated in 94


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You don't need to be wasting any money of counseling or therapy. None of that works while the cheater is still in the affair. Your wife has not broken contact. Therapy is useless. 

Take the money and spend it on your move.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Is this for real? Move back. She cheated and wants to stay put. It is not you being controlling, it is doing what is best for your family and helping move on - literally. Her wanting to stay for no real reason other than friends is her being controlling. She is a SAHM, then you decide on your career and where you work.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> youre off by a 8 years, I just turned 42 went to CRHS and went to Univ Maryland for college
> 
> if fairless hills is NeshHS then you could know my wife who graduated in 94



so I just checked the wife's FB friends list (she hardly goes on anymore at all) and she does have a fellow HS alum who lives in Pittsburgh currently

oh boy


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

TorontoBoyWest said:


> How off base is....
> 
> "Listen wife. The family is moving. Now you either chose the family and come with, or you chose your self and stay here. Don't think for a second that I will support you if you stay here. Enjoy trying to pay the bills on your own."
> 
> Is that possible in this situation?


 A long time ago, my wife had what was probably an EA w/ my partner. I decided to ditch the partnership and move. I told my wife, " I'm miserable here, and I'm leaving. I'd like for you and the kids to come with me. But I'm leaving regardless." Well, we all packed up and moved.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

You really need to listen to the advice here, especially what bandit is saying. 

People on TAM that have been through infidelity know what they are talking about!! Do not think your situation is any different - if your wife is still in the affair, she will follow the affair script to a "T". 

You need to do what is best for your family which would be to take the job. I mean in this economy - what company still pays for relocation assistance AND assistance in selling the home? 

If the housing market where you live is anything like where I live then you almost need to jump at the opportunity for that alone!


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

I'm a big fan of logic; I would put forth (particularly at therapy) "How is threatening me to stay behind if I get this new, better job that would increase my ability to provide for my family not an example of YOU being controlling?"

The fact of the matter is that none of this really matters (therapy, her blameshifting, etc.) until her affair is over. Can't have three in a marriage.

Ankle the therapist, post haste. They aren't supposed to take sides, but he should, at least, be working on unpacking the problems that led her to cheat and, hopefully, be explaining to her why you're hurt about it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

afm0455 said:


> keko- she tells me she's would stay partly out of principle and that she has also built a network of 'friends' here.
> 
> to your question about OM - yes, he's in the area 4-5 miles away from my house.
> 
> As I said, I can't live here anymore and am disgusted by the last 4-6 weeks of my life. We have 3 kids as well (7, 5, 1.5), which makes this all the more difficult.


I would move. She can choose to stay if she wishes.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm pretty firm in believing that in a healthy marriage even a SAHM gets a vote in deciding where the family lives and which jobs her husband takes if they effect the family. Otherwise, she's a child and not a partner. 

However, _your wife is having an affair_. She does not get a vote here. Take the job. Move yourself and the kids. Hire a nanny if you need help with the children after the move. Tell your wife you'd love her to come with you, but it's up to her. If she doesn't move with you, file for divorce.

Oh, and find another therapist.


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## afm0455 (Apr 13, 2012)

Rowan said:


> I'm pretty firm in believing that in a healthy marriage even a SAHM gets a vote in deciding where the family lives and which jobs her husband takes if they effect the family. Otherwise, she's a child and not a partner.
> 
> However, _your wife is having an affair_. She does not get a vote here. Take the job. Move yourself and the kids. Hire a nanny if you need help with the children after the move. Tell your wife you'd love her to come with you, but it's up to her. If she doesn't move with you, file for divorce.
> 
> Oh, and find another therapist.


*Thanks for advice. Still early on on the process and I expect there to be 2-3 interviews. Promising though. Question on the kids....Would I need a court order to take the kids? I assume I couldn't just take them and go. I'm basically being told by W that this is my decision to move 350 miles away from my family and that I'm effectively ending any chance at R.*


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## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

afm0455 said:


> *Thanks for advice. Still early on on the process and I expect there to be 2-3 interviews. Promising though. Question on the kids....Would I need a court order to take the kids? I assume I couldn't just take them and go. I'm basically being told by W that this is my decision to move 350 miles away from my family and that I'm effectively ending any chance at R.*


Ask a lawyer. 

Have you exposed this affair yet? It seems ongoing.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Moving or not you have to intervene and stop your wife's contact with OM.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

No, you can move as long as there is no court order saying otherwise.


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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

next meeting with your counselor i would fire them and see how controlling they think that is. there is no reason to stay. you have the job and offered a better one, back to where you are from to boot. how can they call you controlling when she is having an affair? you can't reason with crazy. tell her to make a list of the reasons to stay. there are pto's and schools in the other place too! she ruined the life you have there so there is nothing left anyway. take a hard line and do not cave. she sees this as a pissing contest and it doesn't even cross her mind that you could win.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Posts here shows that you are a beta male, its time to become an alpha male, sometimes we should become an alpha else others will rub their dirty as$ on our face, as your wife is doing now.

She had an affair, what you did to end it? What are the consequences she faced for her A and disrespecting you and family? Is she still in contact with OM? I think the A is still running underground. Stop it first, ask her to send a hand written NC to OM and move on with your new place. Else wish her, good luck and move on with your kids and issue her with D papers.

She is only staying there to see the OM and continue the affair without you watching, they will bang on your bed, if you leave her. So make her to choose her family or OM, then decide what to do. If she says you are controlling (all cheaters says the same) then ask her to leave you and find a doormat/cuckold, tell her clearly that you canot remain in a marriage of three and dont wish to be her doormat or meal ticket.

Change the therapist, fire him for calling you controlling ask him how its controlling when you are moving for the betterment of your family? also how can he advice people by taking sides and how can when R when they are still in A and abusing BS? Tell him you dont believe in his logic. Council ling only after ending the A, else its a waste of money and time.

Her A killed your marriage, now you dont have a marriage, if you want her back to be with you stay strong and dont allow her to manipulate you by blame shifting.


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