# Oh... what a mess. Any advice?



## Sad (Oct 30, 2009)

I've been festering with concerns and anxiety for a couple of weeks. I don't really have anyone to talk to, so google led me here. 

History: My first marriage lasted from the time I was 17 to the time I was 32. We entered MC the end of last year, separated in January, divorced by June. I have two daughters from that marriage, 12 and 9. 

While in MC and separation from my first husband, I met a man online. He was in New Zealand and we instantly hit it off. He came to see me... and then came right back, and moved in with me. 

We were having such a great time and we loved each other and after having a rocky few years... I admit to being a little desperate for a caring and loving companion. I suppose I should say I'm a darned fool... I married this man as soon as I was divorced so that he wouldn't have to leave the country. 

yes, you can say I'm a fool. I tell myself that. But now I'm in this situation and not sure how to deal with it. 

The situation: I'm unhappy sometimes. My 12 year old hates him. He and I are 100% different parents. He sweats all the little things, I don't care about the little things. I've lost a pretty large amount of respect for him. 

His Pros: He does love me, very much. He is affectionate and open with his affection. He hugs me and kisses me and holds me. He cares about my health and fitness and inspires me to be active and try and lose weight. He's helped me completely give up fast foods. He has helped me become more tidy and organized and offered some great structure for my younger daughter who has aspergers.

His Cons: He and my 12 year old do not get along. When they are together I don't have a family feeling... just this disjointedness. They both think I take the other's side. My 12 year old is in the throes of tweenhood and she's rude, immature and egotistical. he can't see that or understand that. He thinks she's a rude, brat that doesn't do what she's told and I have no ability to control her. He is very controlling and very rigid. If my daughters take a fruit rollup in the living room, he gets so pissed off that he won't talk to me for the evening. He can't work yet and is bored, so he drinks. He has at least 3 drinks every evening, he says it's the only thing that helps him cope. 

He says I'm the only thing that matters and that his day doesn't start until I get home. I feel like I can't do anything without him or he'll get upset. He fights with me over things that don't even matter... He is absolutely unflexible in certain areas, especially parenting so he and I butt heads often about that. 

The last time we had a fight, it was the fight over the fruit rollup. He got angry and stormed off to make himself another drink. I made the mistake of trying to take the bottle of rum and he ended up pouring it all over me, in front of my 9 year old. I then took him to a hotel and dropped him off. 

When I got home, I found that he had taken all of my medication and when I called him, he told me he was going to kill himself. 

I ended up taking him back because I couldn't bear to think of him killing himself. 

He says he loves me and I believe him. Without the kids, we get along very well. He's been depressed, but lately he's been happier... 

I care for him... and I love him... but it's hard for me to deal with how things are with my kids. When he told me he was willing to kill himself... it pretty much killed all of my respect for him because my grandfather killed himself and I have major issues with suicide. Which he knows about. 

I don't know if I should try and work things out and find a happy balance or if I should just wash my hands of him and deal with the emotional fallout. 

I know I was a fool to jump into another serious relationship and I wish I had a magic timemachine to go back in time and do things differently (not with my first x husband, it was best that we separate and we are amicable and happier apart!). 

What do you think? When is it worth it?


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