# WAH, Father of 3 young kids...he seems lost & confused & so am I!



## SavingPartyof5 (May 17, 2015)

My husband left us on 3/2/15 (& moved in with his parents) He blames me for everything that went wrong with us. We've been married 13y, together 15y & we have 3 young kids (10,8 & 5). Our youngest (our only son) is special needs & we found out 3 yrs ago he has a genetic disorder that they haven't determined yet.

We had a wonderful marriage, one we both took such pride in & we had an amazing connection, best friends & passionate! The past 3 years have been not so great tho. As I mentioned we discovered our son is special needs, my husband's drinking increased significantly (he's now a recovering alcoholic 18mos sober), his breaking point with drinking came when he got a DUI & lost his license. In Sept 2014 he was in a severe car accident which he is still recovering from injuries & he was laid off in Dec 2014.

After he left I found out that my husband was having some kind of relations with another woman (he spent the night of his bday over her house) After combing the cell bill he & her texted & called all day everyday in the month of Feb. She's a former HS classmate but they never were romantic. She couldn't be more opposite of me.

I was a mess did everything wrong & was so desperate! Then I decided to see how I contributed to the problems in our marriage & started working on myself. I'm in therapy, I've lost 35lbs & been trying to get thru day to day & trying to be as strong as possible for my kids!

A few weeks ago I was contacted by another woman who claims she has had relations with my H for 3yrs. My husband says she was just a friend & she started obsessing over him but after looking at the cell bill again I see he called her 95% of the time everyday for the last year (ok I didn't check everyday, but every where I checked it was everyday). He doesn't give me any answers & just says he forgets...errr! So the current OW is still in the picture & I'm pretty sure by now it's turned physical! 

I know this all sounds horrible & why would I want him back! I just have this belief that we are going to work thru this & like a Phoenix we will rise from the ashes stronger & better! My husband at his core really is a fantastic man but I believe he is lost, mentally sick or going thru PTSD, depression Midlife Crisis or addiction. I just want the chance to try but he says he's not coming home & he doesn't want to work on us but he's not seeking divorce 

2 weeks ago I implemented Minimal Contact. Before that we were spending every other day together trying to show him we work & we are a family & we are getting along really great! I was sending him love emails each night (that's what we did when we were dating) but none of that was working. Last week I finally started to see some changes, he was calling & texting me up to 6x per day (I don't call, text or email him unless absolutely necessary). On Mothers Day his Mom told him I'm not going to wait forever, someone else will scoop her up & someone else will be raising his kids. She also said I know you still love her...which he says he does & he's never said to me or anyone that he's not in love with me. He replied to his Mom...I don't think she'll do that! Up to that point I don't think he ever considered that...he's not thinking long term he's just thinking right now. I can see the turmoil inside him, I can see he's struggling with the decision between us or continuing to have his secret thing with her! It's secret cause in absolutely no way would she be accepted by his family. They are all on the side of him working it out with me. 

He hasn't confirmed OW but he hasn't denied it either, in fact this past week he said I pushed him away. This past week I told him...as long as you are choosing to end us and choosing to have a relationship with another woman I'm choosing not to give any part of myself to you, eventually I will heal and move on (but I want to try to work things out with us first, I love my family far too much to give up!)

Here's where I'm so conflicted...he says I pushed him away, I put others 1st & I didn't pay attention to him (I know typical answer & I also know that his choices are NOT my fault). It is true tho our relationship was coming after everything else & we were both at fault for that! Plus our son takes so much of me away from my H & my daughters. If I show him no attention isn't that just showing him that he was right. I don't know how to act when I'm in his presence. I also don't know whether to continue to spend time as a family or cut him off cold turkey & he can just have solo visits with the kids. If she's giving him attention & I'm not giving him any attention how does that benefit getting him to work on us? Plus shouldn't I give him a little attention then pull away? Kind of like a dance of give & take?

I just want to get the ball rolling on working on us to get my family back together again. My kids are really missing their father & he's being selfish! I need him to wake up & recommitt!

Please, please, please help!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Walk away. The only one that can fix him is himself. Look up the 180 and do it. Minimal contact with him. Only for the children. Do not put yourself in competition with another woman for his attention. Busy yourself with other activities. Fix yourself so you can move on happy with who you are. If he does come back how do you ever trust him again? Really dig deep within yourself and ask yourself these hard questions.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are putting your emphasis in the wrong place.

He had a many year affair with one women. Did she say it was over, or is that one still going on?

He's having an affair with a second woman as well.

Your marriage has zero chance of recovering and being a good marriage until he ends the affair, tells you the absolute truth about both of them and he works on fixing himself. He's a really messed up alcoholic. It will take years for him to fix himself.

You have been chasing him. Of course sometimes he's friendly and nice to you. What a great ego boost. And ex affair partner (or that affair is still ongoing), a new affair partner and you.. 3 woman all fussing over him. What a deal for a guy who cannot even function as a father and a husband. 

Stop chasing him. End all contact with him except whatever is necessary for the children.

File for divorce. Yes file. Why? Because he does not think that you would ever be with another man. He thinks that he's such hot stuff that he can cheat on you with 2 women, walk out on your and your children but you are going to be loyal to him. Really? He told his mother that you would never do that? Part of the way he's acting is because you have enabled him . You have basically shown him that no matter what he does you will always be there, waiting, hoping that he will love you. 

He will not change until he hits rock bottom. You are keeping him from getting to that realization.

You were most likely an enabler with his alcoholism and you continue to do so. Get the book "Co dependent No More". Learn how to stop your co-dependency with him. What is co-dependency? It's when a one person puts their own needs aside and makes the other person's needs (not matter how hurtful) more important than their own. It's a natural reaction to a bad situation. But it is, none the less, very destructive to you.

File for divorce. Stand up for yourself and your children. Remember that a divorce can be stopped at any time before it's signed by the judge. There is also re-marriage. You need to show him through your actions that you will not tolerate this nonsense. Either he ends the affairs, tells you 100% of the truth, gets back to work and acts like a grown man/husband/father or you are moving on.

He will not change until he hits rock bottom. Even then he might no change. But do you really need a cheating, lying, alcoholic, non-productive person in your life?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does his mother know about his affairs? She needs to know.

Is either of the other women married?

Will the woman who called you give you any solid proof of the affair? Letters, email, anything?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You want to try to save your marriage.

Expose to everyone, his family, your family, OWs spouses, all your friends. That is the fastest way to end an affair. And frankly nothing productive will ever happen in your marriage until that happens.

Filing for a divorce lets him know that you refused to be his Plan B, should his current trysts fizzle out. It is a wake up call, the one he's not listening to at his parent's house.

I am so sorry you are here. I would also recommend making an appointment with your physician to get tested for stds (I know that sounds dreadful, but you are the only one who will look after you now). Also discuss the possibility of depression-if for not other reason than it is so common when people go through this kind of stressful situation.

No need in a VAR since he's out of the house.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yes, he has had a terrible time, the poor lamb.

He found out his son is special needs with an as yet unresolved genetic issue so he just had to have multiple affairs to help to fix the deep hole that appeared in...

But just wait a minute! :scratchhead: Say... didn't you find out your son is special needs with an unresolved genetic issue, too?

And did *you* fix things by having multiple affairs?

Why, no. You did not.

So, what does this tell us?

*That your husband is a cheater.*

BTW, his parents should stop pandering to him. He has a family to look after, he should not be allowed to hide at his parent's house, pretending to be young, free and single.

He's a mature, married man and his parents need to kick his butt rather than changing his nappy/diaper for him.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Here is a thing to consider, he has time to build relationships with other women, and it is possible for him to leave you for good, or keep you hooked around if things do not work out with other females. The question is how long will you take before you find the courage to say enough is enough. As long as you are an open door, what does he have to work on or improve to come back? As he is now, would you take him back?

He stands to be a negative influence on your children, and he will only treat you poorly in order to deflect any fault he owns on you.

To be honest, your attachment to him will fade eventually. Love needs constant reinforcement to remain strong. Over time, the less emotions, feelings, love that is experienced, the more and more you will lose your love for him.

He is a different person on the inside, you just cannot see it. His alcohol problem is changing him, changing his brain physically. It alters how neurotransmitters respond. He will not be the same person before he left. Everything we do alters us in some ways. He is now an alcoholic for the rest of his life.

So, the question is, can you love the man he has changed into. You're only seeing the past him, and that is what you are hanging your love on.

Love is an addiction. When you see him, hear him, your brain responds to him by releasing hormones and nuerotransmitters. But love, or attachment is biological, and those neural pathways will eventually fade, giving you less and less of a biological response to him.

He probably does love you in some ways, enough to the point where if you are the one to leave he will take action. If you found another man, the odds are he will start attacking you verbally and mentally even though he is the one who left. He sees you as his for the moment, but he feels that he is not your partner at the same time. He is unstable at the present.

Think about it this way, he has not divorced you or started. He is keeping you as an option, to have some claim over you. But his feelings will die for you one day as well if it goes on long enough. Just like you are getting no feedback from him, he is not reinforcing his bond to you either.

Once you start the anger phase, you will feel more pain in how he abandoned you and the children. You have not fully gone through or processed that yet. He left you for alcohol and for a chance to experience love from multiple women. He failed as a father as well.

As stated, love is an addiction. You are ignoring a lot of other issues right now, waiting for a fix of him reciprocating love back to you. Your focus is narrow at the moment.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Never say never, I suppose, but your marriage not only doesn't appear to be salvageable, but I wouldn't even try. 

If he decides to clean himself up and beg for forgiveness, let him do the heavy lifting.

Take care of your kids, take care of yourself, cultivate some friendships, maybe find love again.... time to look and move forward. I know this hurts badly, but you need to look after yourself and the kids.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If you want any chance at all after he has checked out (several long-term affairs), you need to perform radical surgery, as everyone has suggested:

- 180 immediately
- Expose his affairs to family and friends
- File for divorce (remember that you don't have to follow through if he gets his act together).

What kind of father is he to start having affairs when his baby is diagnosed as special needs? Do you respect this?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Sorry you are here.

Everything he has said is just an excuse. You push him away, special needs son. His distance started three years ago because of woman number one, not because of your son. 

Now he found a new woman, and that pissed woman number one off. So pissed she outed him to you.

Please stop the love emails. That is the opposite of minimal contact. Only communicate with hm about finance snd kids.

Finally, see a lawyer, protect yourself. He has no interest in returning to you, despite his mother's good intentions. Jumping from one girlfriend to another confirms that. And why on earth would you want him at this point anyway. How could you ever trust him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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