# My 18 year old son



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

My 18 year old son has been dating a girl exclusively for about a year. I am not a big fan of such a serious relationship at such a young age. On top of this I just heard that his friends told him that she had been kissing another guy. He is floored and cannot understand "why" she would do such a thing.

Anyway, my main concern is his "nice guy" tendencies that I see when they are together. He's just too friggen nice and it pisses me off. Can you suggest a book that I could give him to help him out in relationships? Specifically something that could curb his nice guy tendencies? Remember, he is 18 and a bit on the naïve side.

Thanks for your help!!

TAM ROCKS


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

UMP said:


> My 18 year old son has been dating a girl exclusively for about a year. I am not a big fan of such a serious relationship at such a young age. On top of this I just heard that his friends told him that she had been kissing another guy. He is floored and cannot understand "why" she would do such a thing.
> 
> Anyway, my main concern is his "nice guy" tendencies that I see when they are together. He's just too friggen nice and it pisses me off. Can you suggest a book that I could give him to help him out in relationships? Specifically something that could curb his nice guy tendencies? Remember, he is 18 and a bit on the naïve side.
> 
> ...


"No More Mister Nice Guy" by Robert Glover...

No More Mr Nice Guy: Robert A. Glover: 9780762415335: Amazon.com: Books

It's also available somewhere online as a PDF. Not sure how "legit" that is, strictly speaking, but it's out there.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> "No More Mister Nice Guy" by Robert Glover...
> 
> No More Mr Nice Guy: Robert A. Glover: 9780762415335: Amazon.com: Books
> 
> It's also available somewhere online as a PDF. Not sure how "legit" that is, strictly speaking, but it's out there.


Thank you.
Do you think it's appropriate for a kid who just turned 18 ?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She and several other women will teach him hostility and resentment. I wouldn't worry about it. He's a nice guy now, but he's still wet behind the ears. Somewhere along the way, he'll become pissed off like the rest of us.


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## T2shay (Jun 30, 2015)

I have a 17 year old daughter who is like your son, super duper nice and she is walked on alot. I wish she could meet a nice boy that would treat her right. Although, I do not approve of a serious relationship at their young age you cannot stop them from having relationships. I had talks with my daughter about how guys should treat girls and vice versa. It goes in one ear and out the other. All we can do is set an example, he will get crushed many times, hopefully though that won't change who he is. Just because the girl he has is worthless doesn't mean he should stop being the good boy he is.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> She and several other women will teach him hostility and resentment. I wouldn't worry about it. He's a nice guy now, but he's still wet behind the ears. Somewhere along the way, he'll become pissed off like the rest of us.


True 
However, I wonder if giving him a book like "no more mister nice guy" at 18 years of age will at least give him some insight into what is going on and why. Or maybe I just have to let him get hurt.
It's hard seeing your kid getting walked on.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

I don't know how much you should help, really. IMO, part of being in high school and college, is learning that there are certain things in life that can only be learned at the School of Hard Knocks.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

dubsey said:


> I don't know how much you should help, really. IMO, part of being in high school and college, is learning that there are certain things in life that can only be learned at the School of Hard Knocks.


...and all of that will be reinforced by NMMNG.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

UMP said:


> Thank you.
> Do you think it's appropriate for a kid who just turned 18 ?


Though insightful, NMMNG is actually pretty tame.

MMSLP, on the other hand... I'd avoid giving that one to an 18-year-old.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Though insightful, NMMNG is actually pretty tame.
> 
> MMSLP, on the other hand... I'd avoid giving that one to an 18-year-old.


Awesome !


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Have you talked to him about his feelings on this? Are you two close enough to do that?

I would certainly be concerned if my son were interested in girls who did not value him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

jld said:


> Have you talked to him about his feelings on this? Are you two close enough to do that?
> 
> I would certainly be concerned if my son were interested in girls who did not value him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, 
Both my wife and I had a serious talk about this with him.
Problem is, I think he's in "love."
It just breaks my heart, you know.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

UMP said:


> Yes,
> Both my wife and I had a serious talk about this with him.
> Problem is, I think he's in "love."
> It just breaks my heart, you know.


I understand. Sadly, it sounds like he will have to learn the hard way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## T2shay (Jun 30, 2015)

UMP said:


> Yes,
> Both my wife and I had a serious talk about this with him.
> Problem is, I think he's in "love."
> It just breaks my heart, you know.



I do know, the loser guy my daughter is "in love with" is mentally abusive and the thing is I was telling her how bad he is for her and so then she ran off with him. Finally, after 2 months she is back home but still dating the guy. It kills me inside to see her wasting tears on someone like that. So I know your son is devastated too. Encouragement of meeting the right girl later on might help. I try to encourage my daughter and I do not belittle her loser boyfriend with her ears around, but I also do not give him a warm welcome. Will he be going to collage soon or does he have another year in high school?


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Hold on to your N.U.T.S.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I don't think you give him a book.

I think you take him aside, and have an adult conversation with him about women and relationships. Man to man.

Honest, frank, open. 

Have the talk with him you wished (or got!) from your dad about women, love, and relationships.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

marduk said:


> I don't think you give him a book.
> 
> I think you take him aside, and have an adult conversation with him about women and relationships. Man to man.
> 
> ...


I did, but it's hard to cover everything. You forget tidbits here and there. I know when I was 18 I would have loved to get a book like NMMNG. I ordered it and will read first.

Dayone, 
I have the n.u.t.s. book and was thinking about that one too.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* You cannot go wrong with Dr, Glover and NMMNG. I think that your 18 year old son will thoroughly enjoy it while receiving an education in interpersonal relationships!

It's just too damn bad that more colleges don't teach courses like the subject matter of his book!*


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

UMP said:


> I did, but it's hard to cover everything. You forget tidbits here and there. I know when I was 18 I would have loved to get a book like NMMNG. I ordered it and will read first.
> 
> Dayone,
> I have the n.u.t.s. book and was thinking about that one too.


Then keep talking.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> * You cannot go wrong with Dr, Glover and NMMNG. I think that your 18 year old son will thoroughly enjoy it while receiving an education in interpersonal relationships!
> 
> It's just too damn bad that more colleges don't teach courses like the subject matter of his book!*



Somewhere between my 18th and 21st birthday (I *think* 18th, but can't remember for sure), my Dad gave me a copy of the Marine NCO Handbook. While insightful, I'd have gotten much more out of NMMNG.


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

UMP said:


> Thank you.
> Do you think it's appropriate for a kid who just turned 18 ?


Yes I think its fine, some wont apply but he will get the message.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

marduk said:


> Then keep talking.


:iagree:

I would not give him any book, but I would keep talking with him. Very open and honest. Talk about what a healthy relationship should look like, with both people meeting each other's needs. Then let him learn on his own. All you can do as a parent is give him the information, then let him do what he wants with that knowledge. It may be a bit hard to watch, but he has to learn on his own. That is just part of life.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Anonymous07 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I would not give him any book, but I would keep talking with him. Very open and honest. Talk about what a healthy relationship should look like, with both people meeting each other's needs. Then let him learn on his own. All you can do as a parent is give him the information, then let him do what he wants with that knowledge. It may be a bit hard to watch, but he has to learn on his own. That is just part of life.


I would also teach him what the negative aspects of being a nice guy are, and how to be confident and assertive within reason as a means to getting the girl you want, not just girls that will have you.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

UMP said:


> Yes,
> Both my wife and I had a serious talk about this with him.
> Problem is, I think he's in "*love*."
> It just breaks my heart, you know.


Then he has learned a most valuable life lesson that just because you love someone doesn't mean they will love you back. Thankfully he has learned this before marrying and having kids. I was mid thirties when I learned it. 

I haven't read the NNMNG book so can't offer and opinion on it. Were he my son I would tell him just these two things

Never make anyone in life a priority who is making you an option.

Never give your heart, mind or body to someone who won't respect you as much as you respect yourself .


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

marduk said:


> I would also teach him what the negative aspects of being a nice guy are, and how to be confident and assertive within reason as a means to getting the girl you want, not just girls that will have you.


YES. How "Nice" and nice are not the same thing. How being a Nice Guy, replete with covert contracts and being inauthentic just to "get" a girl are the opposite of nice.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I wouldn't hesitate to give one of my teens "More Mr Nice Guy" if I felt it could shake him up & help him with women... I don't want to see my sons taken advantage of.. I did see it with 3rd son 1st love... he hated girls for a short time after her... got a harder shell.. now he is not as romantic.. but he's doing well -his new GF seems more into him, if anything...

Taken from  No More Mr. Nice Guy! (9780762415335): Robert A. Glover: Books

Here is a list of NICE GUY Characteristics - Most guys have a few of these, but the headed for doormat status "NICE guys"- posses these in abundance . The book has more detail to each little item....



> Nice Guys are Givers
> 
> Nice Guys fix & Caretake
> 
> ...


There is problems with each one of those -the *motivation* behind the doing is the issue. What is happening is -- These men have been conditioned to believe that if they are "NICE" they will be loved, get their needs met and have a smooth life. 

Here is the "not-so nice" traits of Nice Guys ...



> Nice guys can be Dishonest, secretive, compartmentalized, manipulative, controlling, they give to get, passive aggressive, some are full of rage, additive, have difficulty setting boundaries, frequently isolated, often attracted to people & situations that need fixing, frequently have problems in intimate relationships, have issues with sexuality, usually only relatively successful .


Of course those are not true for every Nice guy... 

Good book, it will make many things clear to him to 1st win her *RESPECT* & this should lead to sexual attraction...


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

UMP said:


> True
> However, I wonder if giving him a book like "no more mister nice guy" at 18 years of age will at least give him some insight into what is going on and why. Or maybe I just have to let him get hurt.
> It's hard seeing your kid getting walked on.


I'm not familiar with that specific book, though I have seen it mentioned on here many times. But I would definitely say:

Oh how I wish I knew then what I know now! I am female but one of the "nice" ones - nice as in I have been a total pushover so much so that I am embarrassed to even say some of the ways I've allowed people to treat me with my feeling compelled to be even nicer to somehow make them value me. (LOL Good luck with that...)

The things I understand about relationships today at 50 would have been so valuable to me at 20. or 30. even 40... Anything you can give your son to help enlighten him would be great. I'd also point him toward forums like this where he can get advice. It sounds like he can talk to you but for myself when I was young, I really didn't have anyone solid to talk to whose advice I could trust other than people my own age who were as confused as me. A forum like this would have been a godsend.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Had a similar issue with my youngest though he was more of a KISA.

His first gf was a real cutey and voluptuous. She was also a drama queen, negative and a cheater.

I raised him to value faithfulness and be repulsed by unfaithfulness.

He is also wired like me so I had an easy time. I put up with zero shyt.

It came out she kissed another guy, all she would admit to, and I asked my son if every time he wasn't available if she was just going to go out with someone else? I also asked if he believed it was only kissing.

He definitely wasn't sure she didn't have sex. So he cracked the whip and she jumped in line but he dumped her anyways and he had very strong feelings for her. They were together for three years.

I just kept casually asking who he thought she was seeing behind his back or is she behaving faithfully now.

I kept telling my son I loved him and thought he had wisdom but she really didn't seem to. She did lots of stupid things.

He put her solidly in the friend zone and called it quits.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

intheory said:


> Why is your son a "nice guy"? If "nice guy" means someone that is not upfront about his motivations, not honest about what he wants from a relationship, and is willing to put up with all kinds of crap that he shouldn't put up with? (That's what I hear being a "nice guy" is, from reading here on TAM)
> 
> Is he like this in other areas of his life?
> 
> ...


Truth!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> "No More Mister Nice Guy" by Robert Glover...
> 
> No More Mr Nice Guy: Robert A. Glover: 9780762415335: Amazon.com: Books
> 
> It's also available somewhere online as a PDF. Not sure how "legit" that is, strictly speaking, but it's out there.


Gus, this may be the one you may be referring to *No More Mr Nice Guy*.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

When it comes to young adults I think it's best to ask as opposed to tell. They don't listen when you tell but when you ask they must think.

How do you think a girl who loved you would treat you?

What do you think causes someone to behave in hurtful ways?

Is alcohol an excuse for rotten behavior?

How do you feel about this girl now? Do you feel like you're trying to find reasons to excuse and minimize her hurtful behavior?

We all have to go through this kinds of hurtful things; why do you think some people seem to go through them a lot more often than other people do?

Ask.
Converse.
Share.


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

Athol Kay's MMSL.

If he's old enough to join the military then he's old enough for the truth.

I wish I had come across something like this when I was much younger, it would have saved me from a great deal of unpleasantness.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Ump, nmmng is a great book, but it also lays a lot of weight at the feet of a nice guys reLationship with his father. If you get him that book you need to read it as well, and maybe have some serious conversations with him about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> When it comes to young adults I think it's best to ask as opposed to tell. They don't listen when you tell but when you ask they must think.
> 
> How do you think a girl who loved you would treat you?
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I love this idea, to ask many questions, as it forces him to really think about everything. It can greatly help him to see things more clearly and it will also allow you to see where he is mentally, if you just sit and listen to what he has to say. Just let him talk, because if you butt in too much, he may not open up as much.

Do you really like her? What about her do you like? What about her do you not like?

Do you think your relationship is healthy? What makes a relationship healthy?

Do you know what an abusive relationship looks like? Mental, emotional, verbal, sexual, and physical?

How do you want to be treated in a relationship? Are you being treated that way?

I would ask about relationships in general and about his relationship in particular. Let him think about it all. I wouldn't give too much advice, as teens typically don't take it well anyways.


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## Liam83011 (Jul 1, 2015)

dubsey said:


> I don't know how much you should help, really. IMO, part of being in high school and college, is learning that there are certain things in life that can only be learned at the School of Hard Knocks.


Totally disagree. I wish I had been exposed to NMMNG and that whole genre of book at 18 rather than 40+. Friend zone, needy, approval seeking behavior.

Painful stuff and all b/c no one ever took the time to share (or they just didn't know?). Could have been avoided and I could have had some much more enjoyable relationships when I was younger.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Liam83011 said:


> dubsey said:
> 
> 
> > I don't know how much you should help, really. IMO, part of being in high school and college, is learning that there are certain things in life that can only be learned at the School of Hard Knocks.
> ...


* That's exactly why a college level, or even an elective high school course needs to be offered on this most serious subject matter, not only for young men dealing with flaky young women, but certainly the other way around as well!*


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

UMP said:


> Thank you.
> Do you think it's appropriate for a kid who just turned 18 ?


Uh he can carry a 16 for uncle sam so yes and my 16 year old has a hard copy of it 


Dont be a 









They some times have to learn the hard way just like we all do, I offer advice to my boys and never give an I told you so 

Except if they get ran over by a train because I have told my boys since they were little the only place you can get ran over by a train is ON THE TRAIN TRACKS I would be so on that I told you so *cough cough train

thats some of the best advice my dad has ever told me every time I come to a rr crossing I think about it

I love you dad, now I need to go call and tell him.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Better earlier than when bad choices in people lead to cohabitation/marriage/kids. This kind of intelligence is like riding a bike--can't acquire it from a book.


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