# Heart Broken



## inabox (Jun 24, 2008)

I recently found out that my wife of many years (14) has cheated on me. It wasn't an emotional cheating either. It progressed it seemed rather quickly from meeting this person at work, to actually meeting with them and kissing and fondling. All in a matter of weeks. 

It all came to a head after much digging on my part and finding deleted texts, deleted phone calls and many long conversations with this person.

I feel really really heart broken, and I want some advice from men in particular who have been through this. Or women too, so I thought of this place. I never in a million years would have thought that this women would ever cheat on me. 

I feel like its something that I messed up on that made her go to the arms of another man and find comfort in him. From my perspective I think I'm a great husband, but there has to be a reason. 

I know I strayed myself several years ago, but we were not married at the time. She forgave me and we moved on, eventually getting married, and having children. 

When I asked her what was the reason for it she said she doesn't know. _Can that even be possible? To cheat on someone an not even know why!?_ I asked if it was something emotional that I was not giving her. She said no. It it was something sexually that I was not fulfilling. She said no. But there has to be a reason? No?

What hurts the most is that when I asked her if I would not have caught her would he have continued she says " I don't *think* I would".

That is painful to hear. I saw the remorse in her eyes and face when we spoke, but if there was remorse right after this night of kissing and fondling, then shouldn't the answer have been "I was not going to" ?

She says that it was a mistake and that she is not perfect, but to me she was perfect. She was/is my world. She says that she just f'd up and apologizes, but it still hurts. It is rather fresh as in hours. 

She says they did not have sex, but its hard to believe. She lied multiple times to my face that she was cheating, and even after being confronted on it she lied again and again, till I kept pushing harder for the truth. She says that she did NOT have sex with him. Do I believe her? 

I am already seeking to see if we can fix things. Looking towards marriage counseling as soon as possible. 

-in so much pain.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

I am very sorry to hear that you are going through this. Props to you both for planning to do counseling. Please keep us updated!


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## Butter (Nov 21, 2008)

I was cheated on a few years ago and recently caught my husband contemplating doing it again. I learned that there was nothing about me that he wasn't getting at home. It was him. It was him and his f'd up childhood making him feel unworthy of the happy life and healthy children we have. We have a wonderful, warm home, great friends and neighbors but I believe that since birth it was drilled into his head that he was a loser, would never amount to anything so as a result he feels that he doesn't deserve what he's worked so hard to have. He still - I believe - is trying to sabotage himself so that if I were to leave he could think "See? I am unworthy - my wife left me". I have tried over almost 20 years to tell him daily how much I love and appreciate and respect him but there's just something out there that his parents did to him that has a stronger pull. 

So in answer to your fear, there's nothing you can do or could have done. 

Sorry.


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## Shelby (Nov 20, 2008)

I'm sorry to hear what your going through, my husband is also having an affair after 24 years of marriage and also forgiving him from a prior affair 5 years ago, how did you find the deleted text, did they contain the contents of the text? my husband likes younger women, so sad!


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

With the very limited amount of information she is giving you, and reasons for betraying you, one would think that it did not stop at kissing and fondling. If she was truly contrite you would not be able to shut her up. She is holding back (my opinion). You must continue to press her. Clear your schedule until she does. Do not allow her time to think about elaborate scenarios. You need to insure that she does not contact the OM to try and match up their stories. Get his name and number, call him yourself. And tell him that she told you everything. Or better yet if he is married tell his wife that your wife came clean about the affair. Let her debrief him while you debrief your wife. Then compare notes. If you speak to only and he says "what did she say" or "let me speak to her" You can rest assured (if the word rest can be used in this situation) that she did have intercourse. Best of luck.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

And take notes. So you can ask her questions in random order to see if she sticks to one story. Put on the coffee, It will be a long night.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Initfortheduration said:


> With the very limited amount of information she is giving you, and reasons for betraying you, one would think that it did not stop at kissing and fondling. If she was truly contrite you would not be able to shut her up. She is holding back (my opinion). You must continue to press her. Clear your schedule until she does. Do not allow her time to think about elaborate scenarios. You need to insure that she does not contact the OM to try and match up their stories. Get his name and number, call him yourself. And tell him that she told you everything. Or better yet if he is married tell his wife that your wife came clean about the affair. Let her debrief him while you debrief your wife. Then compare notes. If you speak to only and he says "what did she say" or "let me speak to her" You can rest assured (if the word rest can be used in this situation) that she did have intercourse. Best of luck.


:iagree:


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## Brian (Sep 10, 2008)

Your situation is almost identical to what happened to me about a year ago except it went on with my wife for about 4 years off and on. We are working through it and it is tough. She still says she doesn't know why she did it she just got caught up and couldn't quit. She says they never had sex but I am not sure if I believe her or not either. I went through the what did I do to push her away feelings and everything. It is still tough sometimes when certain actions or things she say remind me of it but we made a commitment to each other and I still lover her so I felt I had to give her another chance. but she knows if it happens again, I am done. Go to counseling, that will be a sign she is committed. I had tried to get my wife to go for most of that four years (just because I could tell something was different), and she always resisted and she says now it was because she was scared of what the counselor might draw out of her. If she won't go I would think she is still hiding something. Good luck and hope you can work through it.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

ya its funny how you can relate to these storys my story is very much the same to. We were both unhappy in our marriage and 3 months prior I did something stupid with this couple of the wife he cheated on me with. She kissed him one night then a few months later he initiated the kiss with her and he fondled her whiles kissing then it was done from there he called her and told her sorry. She tried again a few months later and he said no. So I think it was all in revenge in a way. Maybe caught up in the excitement wanting to feel good that someone liked him or if he should leave me? I will never know exactly what it was about but seriuosly I think that what matters now is if they will do it again? if they love you? if you love her?


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

sometimes when we are comfortable in our relationships we let things go .. simple hugs telling someone you love and appreciate them go a miss. Things become much the same day after day get up sort the kids ,do breakfast ,school run .home dinner , housework ,bed . i think your wife loved the excitment the feeling off being wanted and needed even the fact that someone found her atractive.. you need time to talk properly seek help and dont be afraid to fight to make things work out ..if thats what you want xx


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I agree with humpty totally agree.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You need to tell each other " I LOVE YOU " all the time. My wife and I tell each this everyday often many times. A great way to remember this, is as you are walking out the door in the morning leaving to work or wherever. Imagine that this could be the last time you can ever tell them what they mean to you. Because if you stay together for a lifetime one day it will be the last time.

A great verse:

Teach me to number my days Lord.

Another one that is very apropos for this site is:

Do not forsake the wife of your youth.


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## AnnLovesJohn (Dec 16, 2008)

sorry that this happened to you..


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