# Feeling hopeless



## Wife22 (Dec 11, 2015)

Ok this all might sound crazy and all over the place I just didn't even know where to start..here goes nothing (this is the shortest version I could give):

I feel like nothing I do will help save this marriage. I constantly feel attacked and like everything I do or will ever do is never enough. I feel like my husband wants to have this magical marriage where there are no bad days, only good ones. Like having a bad day just automatically means we're not guna work out. When we do have a bad day it's always MY fault because I am the one who doesn't try and I AM the root of the problem. At the house l clean up with little help from him because he is so tired from work. Apparently staying home with a child isn't work nor is it hard at all. I am constantly reminded of everything I don't do for the house such a dinner not being made or toys in the living room. I am always talked to like I'm a child such as "you need to pick up that dog **** outside". It's also my fault that we had to bring the dog with us. He could care less about our dog, or should I say MY dog. He gave up his rights to her when we moved to California. He didn't want to bring her and he was comfortable just leaving her behind if it wasn't for me. We moved to California because he said his company in Tucson was ****ting down and that we would be out of a job and homeless so California was the best thing. At first it seemed like a good idea until he consistently brought up divorce and then made me not want to attend beauty school for reasons such as what am I going to do when he leaves me and how will I be able to support a child. Therefore my school is on hold because schools in California are too expensive and I also don't trust any day cares in California. Who knew that California would be so expensive. But then again I thought us moving there would be so good for us and that we would just be rolling in dough because that's how he made it sound. I started to get a weekly "allowance" in September. Prior to that I had no money what so ever. Yet God forbid me ever say that we are broke because that is just so disrespectful when he works so hard and I just sit at home on my lazy ass and take care of our child. We definitely don't have extra money but we can buy outdoor furniture and a new grill..well we are broke when it comes to other things. I am currently and have not been getting along with his family for about 2 years now. He wants me to get along with his family whom are the ones who have always talked bad about me from the beginning about how I was a gold digger and such. They always say how my husband doesn't spend time with them yet he will go out of his way for my family (false) and they don't like us hanging out with any other family except them. His sister says I treat her daughter bad and that I ignore her because I don't treat her like the princess she deserves to be treated as. Also these are the same family members who made a big scene while I gave birth to my daughter because I wouldn't allow my father in law in the room to watch as she came out of my vagina. How dare I? They want us to stay the night at their house because we never have but we always stay at my grandparents house because last I checked I was my daughters mother and I thought it was best to stay where both ol myself and my daughter feel comfortable. I didn't and still don't see any reason to stay at his moms house. Am I wrong because I would rather be with my grandparents? Am I wrong because I don't feel like I should stay the night at his moms house because I don't feel comfortable there? Well that's fine because my husband has he solution to everything. If we can't stay at his moms house, then we definitely can't stay at my grandparents house because it's just not fair. Also if I could just just stop making his life so miserable then we could work this marriage out. If I would just fix everything and try to make it right, such as treating him better, then he would stop telling me that we are destined to get a divorce. Sounds easy right?


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Wife22 said:


> Sounds easy right?


It actually does. 

Print out that post add the following:

"Goodbye. Living with you has gotten too hard. I need to think about my happiness and that of my child. Neither of us will ever find it here with you. I'm sorry. I've packed my stuff. I'll send for the rest later. I'm sorry it didn't work. I tried. You didn't."

Leave it on the kitchen table and go somewhere he can't find you. Go dark. Let him FREAK OUT for a week. Make him think his marriage is over. Crush his soul. 

You are describing my marriage perfectly, at a perfect point in time. Not EXACTLY the same. My abuse was different than your husband's. I tied her into a house and a life she was stuck with by staying, your husband put you where you are by leaving. I would make jokes about how worthless she was, your husband points out directly your faults. We both thought you were lucky to have us. 

I estimate that I lived with my wife for over 10 years where I thought I was the luckiest man alive to have found my true soul mate. 10 YEARS. Imagine that. Living the way you are now for that long. How long are you in now?

Let's say 2 years. You've got as many as 15 years or more of living like this to get to where we are today. I would sell my soul to be able to go back 15 years and make sure my wife let me go then. Let US go then. I'd have my past back and my future would be looking good by now. You have no idea how my simple plan will change that.

I got a little dramatic when I said "crush his soul" above. But it still doesn't describe it. I was an exception. I was on these boards for 6 months or so trying to figure out why a lot of stuff didn't make sense. It all crystalized in one horrible moment when she uttered 7 words that changed my life forever. It doesn't matter what they were, but I realized a few things:


My wife doesn't love me.
She never will again.
It's
MY FAULT!

You talk about an epiphany. Present and future are gonna' be a little different, of course. Makes sense in this sitch. But did you ever have your past change? It can't right? It happened or it didn't, right? 

Wrong.

And I'm not an abuser any more. In that same moment my past changed, my DNA did to. NO WAY was I EVER going to be the man that would do that to anyone, let alone my soul mate. My life. 

You can't even imagine how powerful this life changing moment was. 

I did all the preliminary work. Combine that with a perfect storm of coincidences and my epiphany just happened. You don't have that luxury. You have to force it. I said knowing what you had to do is easy. Doing it will be the hardest thing you will ever do. 

Let this be the real life equivalent of your "in the future husband" coming back to fix those 10+ years. To beg you to give them back to him. It's too late for my marriage. Probably is for you to. But if you time it right, you may be able to love him again. He will be a new man. But he needs to think you are gone for good. My wife WAS and I knew it from the get-go. So again, it was easy. You have to be able to do it.

I'm rambling. I hope I gave you a little perspective of what he's going through. He doesn't now he's an abuser. He doesn't know he's a bad husband. He NEEDS to. For both of you.

Adulterers can be forgiven on this board. Drug addicts who drain the family future for their habit can be forgiven. Abusers cannot. But we're people. That man you once loved is still there. His "addiction" actually DOES have a cause that wasn't his fault. He was raised that way. But we still can't forgive him. If you can, that would be great. But you have to fix him first.

Good Luck


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## Wife22 (Dec 11, 2015)

I don't even know how you two stayed in a marriage that long being that miserable. Did it really take her leaving you to really see how you were treating her? I find it hard to believe that you're taking responsibility and taking the blame for why your marriage didn't work out but in a good way.
I really wouldn't have anywhere to go nor do I have any money to disapear. It's much harder when a little one is involved


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