# Dealing with boundaries.....



## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

How do you deal with the STBXW who can't stay out of your business? We've lived separately for 2 years now. Finally divorce will be getting done in a few weeks. My ex has a strong moral objection to dating before the judge signs the paper. My point of view is if you aren't living together as man and wife then it's just a piece of paper. For all intents and purposes you are no longer married. Anyways, a year after being on my own I met someone and the relationship developed into staying over with each other pretty quickly. She loves my kids. My daughter calls her daughter a sister. The ex can't stand it. Says I'm ruining my childrens lives and they will hate me for it and I'll never have a good relationship with them later in life.

It's kind of blown out of proportion. My girlfriend (not an official title but we aren't sleeping with anyone else) has been nothing but good to the kids. The ex has picked more than one fight with her and takes comments from the kids about her house out of context completely and spits it back at me as reason why the kids are being emotionally damaged by this person.

We found one flea in her house. About the same time one of my boys developed these bumps all over his legs. Before I could get him to the dr to check it out my family and all of facebook had the idea that i was bringing my kids to some bug infested house of horrors every weekend I had them. My youngest said I was a bad daddy for making them stay in the flea house (he's six and I'm sure those weren't his words). Turned out my son didn't have flea bites....he had some other infection in his fair follicles and the dirt under his nails was spreading it. :/

It's just been one thing after another. The ex goes from mad to "lets just all get along" in the same day. We went from "hey, your ex wife just asked if I wanted her to sit with me at the dr appointment today since you couldn't be here" to the ex threatening to file a restraining order against the gf because she's apparently corrupting the children somehow....

Anyways....how do you tell them politely to eff off and don't talk to me about anything unless it directly involves the kids. And by involve the kids I mean they tell her I'm taking them to bars or doing drugs in front of them or something. Otherwise shut up, wait your turn to have them and have a coke and a smile....lol

I need to find a book that explains these relationship boundaries after you are no longer together and especially for when the divorce is official. She has no common sense but believes anything just about she reads in books.


----------



## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Usually this situation devolves, in shared custody, to the parents hating each other and having just enough communication to swap the kids like spies exchanged at checkpoint charlie. 

That she is willing to do damage to your kids and involve them in this shows that she is seriously committed to making your life miserable. Until it becomes more serious arrange your time with your GF apart from time with the kids and keep the two women apart. The only way she can get information on what is going on is if you tell her or the kids do.

Once you are more committed she pretty much has to deal with her respectfully. I don't know what other advice can be given....


----------



## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Usually this situation devolves, in shared custody, to the parents hating each other and having just enough communication to swap the kids like spies exchanged at checkpoint charlie.
> 
> That she is willing to do damage to your kids and involve them in this shows that she is seriously committed to making your life miserable. Until it becomes more serious arrange your time with your GF apart from time with the kids and keep the two women apart. The only way she can get information on what is going on is if you tell her or the kids do.
> 
> Once you are more committed she pretty much has to deal with her respectfully. I don't know what other advice can be given....


It was definitely a mess for a while. One of the biggest problems is my ex is a bit delusional thinking that we are both going to end up with one larger blended family at some point and take vacations together and crap. So when she realized her and my gf couldn't be best buddies and sit around telling stories about me she got her feelings her and now the gf is evil.

The ex told me the kids were getting burned out spending every one of my weekends over at her place. Understandable so once the whole restraining order came up I separated gf and kids completely. I liked them going to her place though. We live in an apartment with nothing for kids to do outside. Gf is on the lake with an amazing view, access to pier to fish on, giant swimming pool in their neighborhood, kids can run around outside and all they have to watch out for is golf carts.

Anyways, after 2 months of keeping kids separate I took them to her place for memorial day to swim and grill burgers. The ex blew a gasket. However, i'd like to point out that at the time she was blowing a gasket she was having margaritas with my mother and my aunt out of town which she lied to me about saying she was spending the holiday with her sister 4 hrs away. If I'm 10 minutes late picking up the kids then I'm a good for nothing, lying, backstabbing cheater with no respect for her...but she can do whatever the hell she wants and I just have to accept it.......:/


----------



## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Oh, and I want to point out that the entire time I was dating people after we split up and moved into separate places I kept everything to myself about it. She made it a point to let the kids know I'm a cheating bastard because I slept with *****s......???

This being after we weren't even living together.......I can't tell you how many times I've argued with her to leave her opinions of me and my life out of the kids ears.....


----------



## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

and she just asked me for money to feed the kids.....on her weekend....again......

this after she spent the holiday weekend out of town with my mom and aunt just having a grand old time....

what am I supposed to do? send my kids somewhere they have to starve at just to visit? give her money again? just tell her she can have the kids when she can afford them? ugh....


----------



## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Document for a later move for full custody?

I know you are venting and that is fine, but I think your just going to have to endure her to an extent.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

one_strange_otter said:


> and she just asked me for money to feed the kids.....on her weekend....again......
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Don't give her cash. Buy some food and send it with the kids. My guess is she is **** testing you to see how often she can come to the till for money. Send food and let her explain to the kids why they need to bring their own food. She will stop asking.


----------

