# Not sure where to go from here...



## PerfectlyImperfect (Aug 20, 2010)

I could really use some advice as I have run out of ideas. I've been married for 13 years and have 2 children. (My first child being born before I met my husband, but he took her in as his own and adopted her) The first year of our marriage was very rocky, with lots of arguments about little things. Even though we argued we also had a lot of romance and passion often spending hours and entire evenings of quality time together. Slowly that faded and the arguments escalated. I often caught him masturbating to porn early in the morning before leaving for work when he thought I was still asleep. This too became a source of our arguments but we got past it. After trying for a while I became pregnant with our second child. Everything in the marriage suddenly became much better and he was quite attentive and attracted to me constantly. After my son was born things weren't quite as good, but they weren't bad either. I was a stay at home mom, he worked hard for us and we "seemed" to be in a very quiet but stable marriage. About a year after he came home from work one day and went straight outside to fix the car saying he stopped at his brother's on the way home to see if he had something he needed for the car. Shortly after I get a call from his brother screaming at me through the phone... he tells me my husband stopped there and he wasn't home. He then says my husband hit on his live in girlfriend while he was there and she kicked him out. I was shocked, I never thought he would do something like that. My husband denied the whole thing for 2 years blaming her reputation and saying she is a liar. His family believed him since no one in the family was fond of his brother's girlfriend. Anyway, I knew it was the truth but tried to move past it maybe hoping it wasn't true. I begged him to just tell me the truth already. Well one morning he confessed to the situation. I was hurt even though I knew for the past 2 years but somehow hearing it made it hurt more. Things were strained for some time, he slept on the couch, but we worked it out. He claimed I was all he wanted.
Shortly after our sex life became different. He started coming at me like a dog in heat. I would wake to him masturbating over me. He would climb on top of me when he wanted it even if I didn't. And the sex itself was all about him I wasn't enjoying it. 
A few years later we seemed to be in another slump. We were arguing often, he was distant and I will admit I was too. I was having a hard time sensing something wasn't right and noticing that wherever we were he noticed other females. Just as before he comes home from work one day and my life crashed. He tells me we need to talk. I knew immediately something happened and I had a feeling another woman was involved. He tells me while driving through town, (now he is supposed to be working) he picked up a woman that was waiting at a bus stop. He was going to give her a ride to the store and then somewhere else she had to go. When she got out of the car to run into the store for something she called the cops. During that ride he apparently made some sexual comments and basically asked for sex. He was charged with harassment and disorderly conduct. (I found out the details in the report that came to my house, he didn't admit to everything) When he told me this I was pissed yet quite calm. I was not surprised. We separated for 3 months. During those 3 months once again he changed and I was his whole world. He wanted to talk everyday about us and our problems, he did everything right. We went for counseling and he seemed to be on the right track. Once I allowed him to come home things started to change and reverted back to the same old routine. 
I have tried everything from talking, crying, letters, books, counseling. They work for a short period of time but it always reverts back. He just shuts down and doesn't talk much. I just don't know what else to do. He says he is happy and wants me and our marriage but his actions don't show that. He comes home from work, eats, watches tv or plays video games, and goes to sleep. We hardly spend time as a family and when we do it ends up a mess cause he is in a mood. I can't even remember the last time we went out together and had fun. I have talked with him many times telling him how I feel and what I am needing/missing. He says ok and that's the end of it. I still don't feel as I can trust him and my feelings for him have certainly changed. I believe in marriage and trying hard to make it work but how much more can I do?


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## PerfectlyImperfect (Aug 20, 2010)

Thanks anyway...


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## sbbs (Sep 21, 2009)

It sounds to me like you already know that you feel you have to leave him. 

Once all the trust is gone from a marriage, there's really not much left. Besides--don't you feel that you deserve better than a guy who hits on every woman in sight, gets arrested for harassment, and makes you feel lousy in bed? Really, what he's doing to you is a kind of abuse.

Your husband sounds like "The Playboy," in a book called _Why Does He Do That_, by Lundy Bancroft. You might want to pick up a copy and see if you can recognize your husband in that book.


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## PerfectlyImperfect (Aug 20, 2010)

Thanks sbbs. I am going to check out the book you suggested it certainly sounds interesting.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

You're letting the past haunt you. So let's only focus on what's present.
Your husband is that kind of man that i'd call boring spouse.
Work, eat, tv, his own stuffs, sleep... 
You need some chemistry and romance but he's not giving you.
This is actually workable. Give him a hint that you missed the moment when just falling in love with him and suggest him to date you.
Your husband should ask you out for a date.
As for trust, your husband has made many mistakes but he's learnt as well.
If you think he's been behaving himself, you can focus on the intimacy part,enjoying more quality time with him. 
Men also love romance but after the gf became a wife, they automaticablly stop dating.
Pls don't let the past haunt you.
Always tell your husband you want to trust him and he should make sure not to disappoint you again. 
All the best!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PerfectlyImperfect (Aug 20, 2010)

Thank you MsLonely, you are right I am definitely letting the past haunt me and can't seem to get past it. I think because he doesn't show much affection and there is very little romance I am afraid he is going to stray again. Any affection he does show is always an attempt at getting sex and that bothers me.
I've told him we need to bring the romance back, I've even given him suggestions, he says ok and nothing ever comes from it. I can't make this happen on my own, he needs to reciprocate. I've planned evenings alone with him and he just sits there most times. If we go out to eat he people watches instead of concentrating on me and our conversation. It's hard to trust in him when I feel like the marriage isn't worth the effort to him. I wish we could go back for counseling but we simply can not afford it right now, and insurance doesn't pay for it.


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