# First signs?



## HomeFrontDadAndMore

New thread as I'd like specific advise on what I now believe is a very real and growing problem (there's another thread of mine dealing with other - though possibly related - issues). 

W has been increasing wine consumption ever so little of the years - I stopped having alcohol in the house last year when I noticed the move from 1 to 2 then 3 glasses a day (generally just two). Without wine at home, and during work periods she's not doing evening events, she'll bring a bottle coming home to share.

I've not made a bid deal about, but have made it a point that we need to watch the amount.

The event: while traveling on business there is a dinner event that she calls home afterward and we talk for a pretty long time. Calling home after these events is pretty rare for her. 

During the call, it did seem she was buzzed: almost giddy, repeating a story several times, almost slurring words. The next morning she emails an apology for not calling. Soooo - she'll certainly deny any and all issues. It's crossed my line.

How do I confront without driving it further underground?


----------



## HomeFrontDadAndMore

Here's another question for any and all that might have/had a spouse who was a alcohol abuser/alcoholic.... While W is certainly very functional, claims its the first time it ever happened, ashamed, etc. and "she's quit". 

Do I remove all alcohol from the house, or keep some to exercise her will-power? She'll certainly be tempted soon when she's traveling next. 

I've read elsewhere, and I agree, they'll find it when they want/need it - so trying to keep the house dry seems pointless and possibly just might help keep the abuse out of sight.


----------



## COGypsy

Ultimately, you're her husband, not her daddy. You might be supportive by not drinking around her or bringing more into the house, but like you said--alcohol is every where and if she wants to drink, she'll drink regardless of what you have in the house.


----------



## HomeFrontDadAndMore

COGypsy said:


> Ultimately, you're her husband, not her daddy....


So right. I fear that she'll not be able stop until it becomes much worse. 

I wonder how many 3-4 glass/day wine drinkers are able to stop - especially with it in easy reach (and socially visible) every week at various business functions.


----------



## bestwife

3-4 glassess of wine looks much for me too. ( I love wine  ),
Do you know the reason? Why she is drinking? How about their friends, parents - they drink too?

Sometimes will be best to find right answers. Maybe you can ask her what bothers her.


----------



## larry.gray

I suggest getting yourself to an Al-Anon meeting. You can find one by following this link: Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups

Yes, 2-3 glasses a day is a problem. There are REALLY good people that can help you.


----------



## TRy

HomeFrontDadAndMore said:


> So right. I fear that she'll not be able stop until it becomes much worse.
> 
> I wonder how many 3-4 glass/day wine drinkers are able to stop - especially with it in easy reach (and socially visible) every week at various business functions.


 I know that it makes you feel better to think that it is just the drinking, but the drinking is only part of the problem. The fact that your wife had a day off on her trip, where she sunbathed, relaxed, went out to dinner (probably with her male co-worker), but did not have time to call you, means that she no longer feels married to you. Since this is now her norm, what you are saying is that she has in effect become single in her mind and is acting accordingly. Mix this with a drinking problem and it is only a matter of time, if it has not already, for her to begin sleeping with other men. Notice that I did not say affair. I did not say affair because that word implies that she is in a relationship with a particular person, whereas her acting single means that she is sporadically seeing multiple other men as they court her and the situation allows.

You need to define what marriage means to you, and find out if she is interested in being your partner in that marriage.


----------



## HomeFrontDadAndMore

bestwife said:


> 3-4 glassess of wine looks much for me too. ( I love wine  ),
> Do you know the reason? Why she is drinking? How about their friends, parents - they drink too?
> 
> Sometimes will be best to find right answers. Maybe you can ask her what bothers her.


... certainly the stress of her job and 'perceived' stress of home life balance weighs on her and she looks to it to 'help'. Also, I think the social expectations of the social circles she is part of makes her feel obligated to have a glass...


----------



## HomeFrontDadAndMore

TRy said:


> *I know that it makes you feel better to think that it is just the drinking, but the drinking is only part of the problem.* The fact that your wife had a day off on her trip, where she sunbathed, relaxed, went out to dinner (probably with her male co-worker), but did not have time to call you, means that she no longer feels married to you. Since this is now her norm, what you are saying is that she has in effect become single in her mind and is acting accordingly. Mix this with a drinking problem and it is only a matter of time, if it has not already, for her to begin sleeping with other men. Notice that I did not say affair. I did not say affair because that word implies that she is in a relationship with a particular person, whereas her acting single means that she is sporadically seeing multiple other men as they court her and the situation allows.
> 
> You need to define what marriage means to you, and find out if she is interested in being your partner in that marriage.


Yes, I think you're right - I tend to minimize events/behavior if not look at the bright side of things.


----------

