# Not getting enough attention



## bell (Jul 10, 2011)

My husband is working a lot, and I'm not getting enough attention. I'm starting to look at other guys and can't help it. I ran into my X at the gym, and we talked while he showed me how to work out on the TRX equipment, and then I wondered if I would run into him again there EEK! I also was super excited to be partners with the trainer during boot camp the other day for ab workouts and one of the things we did, I had to hold onto his biceps while we did the ab workout and that was HOT! Plus last night I had a dream I met up with a guy I used to work with and we had a crush on eachother in the past, before I got engaged. I often wonder what he is up to and have dreamt of him before. I just don't know what to do, I'm desperate for attention so bad I was hanging with my X, who was a lot of drama and no good for me. Also a old friend on fb wants to hang out as friends and I looked at his pics, he kinda cute, but I would'nt, hang with him. I just don't have time for friends like that. I would have to get a babysitter and I'm married! Ahhh I don't know what is happening its getting out of control!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

bell said:


> I'm starting to look at other guys and can't help it.


Yes you can. It might not feel like it but you can.

If your marriage needs more focus, if you need more time together, it's time to work this out with your H. Would there be a way you could surprise your husband at work? Take him dinner if he's working later in the evening for example? Meet him for lunch? If you want your marriage to work it's time to instigate some changes before you do something you might later regret.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

bell said:


> My husband is working a lot, and I'm not getting enough attention.
> 
> He is working hard for you and him so you can be happy together. It is one of the things he does for you. I wish this actually made husbands attractive to their wives. perhaps it does, just not enough. The problem with a husband working a lot is that he is not meeting other needs. He is not having his needs met either FWIW. I suggest you tell your husband you are not getting the attention you need.
> 
> ...


If you are truly desperate for attention the men around you will pick up on that because you are putting out the vibe whether you intend to or not. So be prepared for more efforts from the trainer and from your X. Others too.

I would suggest during this you not go out without your husband to bars or clubs where you are flirting with men. I have no idea whther you do anyting like this so I apologize if not. You are just way too vulnerable to be mixing in alcohol and other men. You need to keep a check on your boundaries.

What boundaries do you have around male friends now?

Sorry for coming off as a real prude, but you sound ready to be unfauthful with the right game or insentive. I don't know your background or your marriage circumstances.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

heartsbreaking said:


> Yes you can. It might not feel like it but you can.
> 
> If your marriage needs more focus, if you need more time together, it's time to work this out with your H. Would there be a way you could surprise your husband at work? Take him dinner if he's working later in the evening for example? Meet him for lunch? If you want your marriage to work it's time to instigate some changes before you do something you might later regret.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

yes channel that energy in the psotive direction. Be hot for your husband. Get his attention.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You are setting your husband up for such a momumental betrayal, it is heartbreaking for me to think about it. He is SURE that he is doing the right thing by you and for you by working very hard to support you.

Please, just tell him outright that you need to spend quality time with him and that quality time is more important to you than financial support. Men are taught that financial support is the most important thing to wives, but it is not. Just tell him this.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Hicks said:


> You are setting your husband up for such a momumental betrayal, it is heartbreaking for me to think about it. He is SURE that he is doing the right thing by you and for you by working very hard to support you.
> 
> Please, just tell him outright that you need to spend quality time with him and that quality time is more important to you than financial support. Men are taught that financial support is the most important thing to wives, but it is not. Just tell him this.


Yes. I have been a workaholic most of my life. I honestly have done it for my family. But I should have gone for a little more balance. You need to tell him. He may not respond right away. Do not get his attention by being unfaithful.

Tell him you are finding other men attractive these days and you are sure it is because he is not paying attention to you. I suppose that is dangerous but it is less than having an affair.


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## bell (Jul 10, 2011)

I agree men take pride in working and being responsible and all that. I have many "many red flags." I talked to him about not getting enough attention last night. He keeps defending himself and answering my questions and concerns with more questions. Alteast he knows how I feel. I think we need a date night. I appreciate your warnings about vulnerability. I'm sure I might have the vibe in my body language or something and I will try and watch boundaries. Yet last night at 9pm he got an email from a female co worker about a project and meeting in the morning for 9 am. This kind of stuff gets me questioning him. But when I realized his co-worker need to know by am, I guess I understand... Shes older, but recently divorced. Everytime I go to his work functions, theres always some lady who introduces themselves to me. I wouldn't want him to read my post for sure! I don't think I want him to know all that, but if he asked me I would be honest. Either way I'm def not going to cheat, but I do want to get past this. I hope he cares as much as I do.


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## yukon dave (Aug 9, 2011)

Unless you happened to be independently wealthy and you brought that income into the household, then it sounds like you have no respect for hard work or your husbands time. You may not have noticed but we are on the edge of a depression and those that have jobs are working much harder now for the same money. Money that may be allowing you to have that free time to hook up with your gym buddies. 

How about you get a job to fill your time so your husband does not have to work so hard? If you divorce him you will have to go back to work which will cut down on your free time or unless you sue him and make him your indentured servant which means you never really loved this man. I know this seems kind of strange but he does not have those options. He is doing the right thing. Support your husband working hard for you and his family and don’t be so selfish.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

yukon dave said:


> Unless you happened to be independently wealthy and you brought that income into the household, then it sounds like you have no respect for hard work or your husbands time. You may not have noticed but we are on the edge of a depression and those that have jobs are working much harder now for the same money. Money that may be allowing you to have that free time to hook up with your gym buddies.
> 
> How about you get a job to fill your time so your husband does not have to work so hard? If you divorce him you will have to go back to work which will cut down on your free time or unless you sue him and make him your indentured servant which means you never really loved this man. I know this seems kind of strange but he does not have those options. He is doing the right thing. Support your husband working hard for you and his family and don’t be so selfish.


Wanting to spend quality time with her spouse isn't selfish. She has every right to want the attention of the person she married just like men have every right to expect sex from the person they married. Unless the standards are different?

As for seeking out others, nothing good will come of that. Listen to Ent, he knows what he is talking about.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Seems like once we graduate from high school, life becomes a little more than just getting attention, and finding ways to be entertained. Also seems like he has figured this out, but you are still clinging to school girl crushes, and intimidated when the grown up girls where he work show him some attention. Is it possible that he senses the sentiments in this post? Why not challenge yourself to become more sophisticated than the women where he works? There is nothing more intriguing than self confidence.

Is it possible that there is an imbalance in the needs between you two, which unintentionally comes across as just beeing needy without meeting his needs in his love language?

Sometimes, men do become obsessed with work because we are being selfish, I admit. Other times, they do it because they do not really know how to meet the wife's needs in a way that is mutually beneficial. By conveying a willingness to meet his needs as you question him, he may open up to tell you what's going on.

When he doesn't open up, often a way to help the process is to let him know that you value his work. Even packing special notes in his lunch, or hand written coupons for back rubs later. The guy will be crazy if he doesn't respond.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

bell said:


> I agree men take pride in working and being responsible and all that. I have many "many red flags." I talked to him about not getting enough attention last night. He keeps defending himself and answering my questions and concerns with more questions. Alteast he knows how I feel. I think we need a date night. I appreciate your warnings about vulnerability. I'm sure I might have the vibe in my body language or something and I will try and watch boundaries. Yet last night at 9pm he got an email from a female co worker about a project and meeting in the morning for 9 am. This kind of stuff gets me questioning him. But when I realized his co-worker need to know by am, I guess I understand... Shes older, but recently divorced. Everytime I go to his work functions, theres always some lady who introduces themselves to me. I wouldn't want him to read my post for sure! I don't think I want him to know all that, but if he asked me I would be honest. Either way I'm def not going to cheat, but I do want to get past this. I hope he cares as much as I do.


I think we understand where you are coming from. The comments are ones of compassion for your situation. You are vulnerable and being vocal about it and that is a good thing.

I suggest you guys setup regular date nights. In addition as I recall I believe His Needs Her needs suggests that you have at least 15 hours of together time a week. That can be really tough to do. But a lot of things count towards that. Plus you are operating at a deficit so it needs to be real quality time. If at all possible he needs to turn that phone off in the evenings. He does not want to be answering emails when he should be focusing on you. Smack him with the proverbial 2 x 4. he needs it.

I had to sit down with my wife and go over her calendar and we allocated our time first and then everything else came afterwards. Friends and family came second. Not the other way around. Now I hasten to add that her being busy on her calendar was my fault. I fall back into workaholic mode. So she was right to allocate her time. I just reclaimed it and assurred her I meant it. She seemed pretty happy about that.


Sometimes you need a reason to leave work on time. Give it to him. Make plans.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Wanting to spend quality time with her spouse isn't selfish. She has every right to want the attention of the person she married just like men have every right to expect sex from the person they married. Unless the standards are different?
> 
> As for seeking out others, nothing good will come of that. Listen to Ent, he knows what he is talking about.


She indeed has every right to expect more time from him. Yes it is hard these days. I know that for sure. But he has to manage his time better. Sometimes you have to say no to your employer. Of course if he loses his job he is then not very confident and less attractive. Sigh.

I have had many jobs but just one wife. I can find another job. I don't want to have to find another wife ....


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## bell (Jul 10, 2011)

Dave I recently got a part time job so I can help out too, it isn't as many hours as I would like, but I'm trying. I do appreciate hard work and everything he does. I'm not thinking of D. I just want to feel appreciated too. Halien, I like your suggestions I sometimes do stuff like that, thanks for the reminder. I also iron all his work shirts for him and make sure he has clean socks and underware. Recently he told me he stays late at work cause it's like his hobby, kind of like I go workout. I feel like a single parent sometimes bc I am taking care of the kids a lot on my own. I know it comes with the territory of SAHM, but hey I guess I just want attention. Also Halien, I do want to grow up and seem less childish, how can I do this? Should I read up on interesting topics and try and strike conversations? Or how can I be more sophisticated like?


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## bell (Jul 10, 2011)

Entrophy3000 thanks for your input, I really appreciate it. You seem very knowledgeable like you know where I'm coming from and have offered great advice.


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## bell (Jul 10, 2011)

Yukon Dave- who are you? you JUST signed on this morning and have not posted anything at all to introduce yourself or give any info


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

There is certainly nothing wrong with wanting more attention from your spouse. Just be careful that you do not enter into dangerous territory. Feeling needy while hanging out with other men isn't going to lead to a good conclusion.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

bell said:


> Dave I recently got a part time job so I can help out too, it isn't as many hours as I would like, but I'm trying. I do appreciate hard work and everything he does. I'm not thinking of D. I just want to feel appreciated too. Halien, I like your suggestions I sometimes do stuff like that, thanks for the reminder. I also iron all his work shirts for him and make sure he has clean socks and underware. Recently he told me he stays late at work cause it's like his hobby, kind of like I go workout. I feel like a single parent sometimes bc I am taking care of the kids a lot on my own. I know it comes with the territory of SAHM, but hey I guess I just want attention. Also Halien, I do want to grow up and seem less childish, how can I do this? Should I read up on interesting topics and try and strike conversations? Or how can I be more sophisticated like?


Its subtle, but when you feel the same rush like a person who has a crush, you are, in a sense, elevating this other person. Looking up to them. When you say that you want attention from your husband, you are very subtely suggesting the same thing. What is incredibly enticing and sophisticated is to give off vibes like you deserve your husband's attention. You can do things to him that these coworkers can never dream of doing. If you feel that your husband is lucky to have your attention, he will be more likely to pursue you. For many guys, ironing his shirts are great, but how about a cryptic note in his pocket or lunch that tells him that because he did XX, he might want to consider coming home early, before the fire fades? Once, I got home from a busy day to find a note that said, "Follow the kisses." There was a trail of hershey's kisses leading up the stairs, and into our room. She was wearing nothing but a pretty bow.

I agree that he might be self-interested and a bit of an idiot for not realizing what he has at home, but pulling him in with needy looking up behaviors might yield less results than making him feel lucky to have a wife who is unpredictable in her romantic gestures. And these other guys, like the trainer, don't deserve you.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Halien said:


> Its subtle, but when you feel the same rush like a person who has a crush, you are, in a sense, elevating this other person. Looking up to them. When you say that you want attention from your husband, you are very subtely suggesting the same thing. What is incredibly enticing and sophisticated is to give off vibes like you deserve your husband's attention. You can do things to him that these coworkers can never dream of doing. If you feel that your husband is lucky to have your attention, he will be more likely to pursue you. For many guys, ironing his shirts are great, but how about a cryptic note in his pocket or lunch that tells him that because he did XX, he might want to consider coming home early, before the fire fades? Once, I got home from a busy day to find a note that said, "Follow the kisses." There was a trail of hershey's kisses leading up the stairs, and into our room. She was wearing nothing but a pretty bow.
> 
> I agree that he might be self-interested and a bit of an idiot for not realizing what he has at home, but pulling him in with needy looking up behaviors might yield less results than making him feel lucky to have a wife who is unpredictable in her romantic gestures. And these other guys, like the trainer, don't deserve you.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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