# New and Need Advice



## FuriousRose

Hi.I'm new here.I thought I should post in this forum because I think my husbands addictions have destroyed our marriage.I have been married for 18 years.All through our marriage I have had to deal with addictions that my husband gets into.The first was alchohol.I lived with his drinking and violence for 4 years.I finally gave him the choice of his family or alchohol and he stopped drinking.I knew it was very hard for him to stop and I was so thankful that he did.Then along came another addiction that probably hurt me even more than the drinking.He started to get into internet porn.At first I didn't realize it was a problem and then the signs started to show.He and my son started argueing over space being used up on the computer.My son came to me and told me that my husband had so much porn saved on the computer that he could'nt download any music or games.I was not happy that my 14 year old son had come to me and told me this.I asked my husband about it and explained to him that it was wrong for him to have porn on our family computer that our children also use.My daughter was only 8 years old at the time and I found out that she had been exposed to it as well.So he said he would stop and I believed him.After a few weeks I found that he hadn't stopped.He was just trying to hide it from me.Again he said he was sorry and that it would stop.More weeks went by and I thought it had stopped until I was in my daughters room and I found a note a friend had written to her during a sleepover at our house.It said"You're Dad is looking at pictures of real naked women."Then I was realy angry.Once again he said he would stop and me like an idiot believed him.Months went by and I tried to trust him but I was having a hard time with it.Then I started to think that there must be a reason why he was doing this and of course I blamed myself.So then I started to do sexual things that I realy didn't want to do but thought that if I did he would stop looking at the porn.This went on for a few months and I thought that things were good.Then came the big bomb.I found out that not only was he still looking at internet porn but he was doing it every night before he got into bed with me.My heart was broken and I felt like a *****.How could he do this to me.I just couldn't understand it.My self esteem was gone and I almost had a breakdown.This time I told him that our marriage was in serious trouble and that if he continued I would leave him.He said he was going to stop and I think he finally did but I don't know for sure because he lied so much.I don't think I will ever really believe him.How can I.This all happened 10 years ago and it still haunts me.It's had a huge impact on our sex life.It's never been the same.Now he is addicted to an online game and spends all his free time playing it,This started just after the porn addiction and has been going on for almost 10 years.We hardly have sex anymore because i am no longer attracted to him.Over the years I seem to have lost my passion for him.He say's he love's me and tells me I'm pretty all the time but I don't believe him.I do love him but I haven't been in love with him for a long time.I keep thinking that one day it might come back but after all these years I'm losing hope.I feel very alone and don't know if I should leave him or not.Anyone have any ideas that might help?I could really use a friend to talk to.I have no one.Thanks


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## e_stars

FuriousRose, I can't offer any advice because I am also going through a certain situation myself. I just wanted to tell you, to hang in there and hopefully someone will come on here and give you the advice you are seeking. I am so sorry. *hugs*


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## draconis

Is it possible to get rid of the internet from your house even if for a couple of months?

draconis


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## FuriousRose

Thankyou for your replies,
I can't get rid of the internet because my husband has to use it for his job.Also other people in the house use it as well so it would be difficult.I'm not sure if doing that would solve his problem because I think he would just turn to another addiction.Today I found close to 100 porno magazines in his car.It just seems like it will never end and I'm so tired of it all.I've been fighting this battle for almost 20 years with all his addictions and I'm not sure if I can keep doing it or if I should.We spend no time together as a couple and it's been that way for about 10 years.So I ask myself "Is this worth it or would I be happier on my own?"If I only new the answer but I can't seem to figure it out.


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## juls

What about getting him his own computer. I understand this won't stop him from doing it however it addresses the biggest issue I see and that is exposing the children to it and then their friends seeing it..

You have been pretty patient from wat it sounds like, maybe it is time for one last "this is it, I'm done if you don't change"....

Addiction is addiction no matter the subject matter. And being a recovering alcoholic myself I know how easy it is to make false promises I was "unable" to keep".. I was unable to keep them because I had not hit my low, my bottom..When I almost lost my children I stopped an have been sober for many yrs now. 

My point is maybe the low for him is loosing you, he has it figured out that you will trust him so he does whats right just long enough to get you comfy again and then does it again. It's a vicious cycle...Not much different from domestic violence cycles..

Break the cycle once and for all. But be prepared that he may never change and you might be without him ....Then again from what it sounds like you have been without him for many yrs now..


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## draconis

juls said:


> What about getting him his own computer. I understand this won't stop him from doing it however it addresses the biggest issue I see and that is exposing the children to it and then their friends seeing it..
> 
> You have been pretty patient from wat it sounds like, maybe it is time for one last "this is it, I'm done if you don't change"....
> 
> Addiction is addiction no matter the subject matter. And being a recovering alcoholic myself I know how easy it is to make false promises I was "unable" to keep".. I was unable to keep them because I had not hit my low, my bottom..When I almost lost my children I stopped an have been sober for many yrs now.
> 
> My point is maybe the low for him is loosing you, he has it figured out that you will trust him so he does whats right just long enough to get you comfy again and then does it again. It's a vicious cycle...Not much different from domestic violence cycles..
> 
> Break the cycle once and for all. But be prepared that he may never change and you might be without him ....Then again from what it sounds like you have been without him for many yrs now..


:iagree: kudos to juls for the good insight

draconis


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## clara

After all these years of addiction, he won't stop and you will never be happy. I hate to say it, but you should leave him. I can say this to you because I have been married 9 years and I have decided that my husband is just the same as yours. He goes from one addiction to the next and often has more than one. He will never change and if I didn't have little children and relied on him for my sustenance, I would leave now. I will leave him in a few more years, as soon as youngest is in school and I can go to work full-time. Of course there is always the chance that he will change and we will work things out, but I have long since accepted that fact that I cannot change him and if he doesn't want to change, which he freely admits, then there is nothing I can do.


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## abigailkrn

Rose my heart goes out to you. I have dealt with a similar problem with my husband. I discovered my husband had been looking at porn about a year and half ago. I found pictures of naked women printed out from the computer. Then I found cut outs of womens faces along with these pictures. One afternoon when he thought I had left I found my my bedroom door locked. I unlocked it and found my husband on the closet floor with these cut out faces placed over the porn picture faces masturbating on a pillow. Another time I found him humping a pillow while watching cheerleaders on tv. The bull goes on and on. It finally came out that he had been jerking off to porn for the past 20 years. After therapy, I have come to understand that his jerking off has nothing to do with me. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that every man jerks off to one thing or another. Men are nothing without their peckers. They must have their hand on it most of the time. They came into this world that way. Now don't get me wrong, these activities have caused me a great deal of grief and I have come close to totally losing my mind but I also made up my mind that I have the ability to cause him the same amount of pain pleasuring myself! I have been quite open with him that someday he will feel what I have felt except I don't plan to use fantasy. Oh he doesn't believe me but someday he will know what it feels like to be betrayed. This doesn't have to be your solution nor am I saying it is right but it feels right to me.


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## dcrim

What is the problem here??? 

Men are visual! Porn is only that...visual stimulation. 

Why aren't you taking a more active role in your sex life? If he's getting it, so are you! Jump him, girl(s)!


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## Blanca

abigailkrn said:


> Now don't get me wrong, these activities have caused me a great deal of grief and I have come close to totally losing my mind but I also made up my mind that I have the ability to cause him the same amount of pain pleasuring myself! I have been quite open with him that someday he will feel what I have felt except I don't plan to use fantasy. Oh he doesn't believe me but someday he will know what it feels like to be betrayed. This doesn't have to be your solution nor am I saying it is right but it feels right to me.


Ya, it felt right to me too-in the past. Except if you want to get even with a man, you hit their wallet. Believe me he wont care about any sexual fantasy you play out on him. But spend all his money, and you'll hit the jackpot.

So while your scheming consider this- you will only feel twice the fool when its over. Take it from someone who's gotten even, or at least tried. It doesnt work. 

But by all means go that route if you need to, but it just makes it harder-for you-in the long run. 




dcrim said:


> What is the problem here???
> 
> Men are visual! Porn is only that...visual stimulation.
> 
> Why aren't you taking a more active role in your sex life? If he's getting it, so are you! Jump him, girl(s)!


You have no idea what you're talking about.


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## lisakifttherapy

dcrim said:


> What is the problem here???
> 
> Men are visual! Porn is only that...visual stimulation.
> 
> Why aren't you taking a more active role in your sex life? If he's getting it, so are you! Jump him, girl(s)!


As well intentioned as this comment probably is - it's way off the mark. Do NOT internalize this comment and make it about you. This isn't about you - it's about "addiction" and the havoc it's been wreaking in your family's life.

The problem is that your husband has spent a huge portion of your relationship moving from addiction to addiction. It's not about sex - or alcohol - or whatever is the "addiction of the moment." It's about whatever emotional relief your husband is getting from his behavior. This behavior is typically is cyclical: uncomfortable feeling - heightened anxiety - need to feel better - addictive behavior - remorse/guilt - self criticism - and the cycle repeats itself. 

Your husband needs counseling and a good 12 step program. He clearly has been unsuccesful at handling his demons on his own. It would be totally understandable if you're experiencing a mountain of pain and resentment after all this time - especially after the exposure of your kids to the internet porn behavior.

If your husband is willing to finally be willing to let go of the grip of his addictions - with help - then maybe you all can do some couples and family work - so everyone can heal.


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