# childhood sweethearts in trouble after 17 years!



## honeybum (Mar 7, 2011)

My story is quite a complicated one but im at my wits end and really need some advice.
My husband and I have been together since we were 15, we are now 32/33 and have been married for 8 1/2 years. we got married when we were 24 and have a 4 1/2 yr old girl. We have always had a very passionate relationship and have loved each other unconditionally. I was my husbands first proper girlfriend, i had 2 boyfriends before him, but we knew wach other and were best friends.
Since having our daughter i quit work to become a full time mum, a decision that was joint, as he has a good job and works very hard to support us. But since having our daughter and me quitting work, things have become stagnent. We slowly let the passion die out, by not going out anywhere or spending much time together alone. Whilst i wouldnt change our desicion for me stay at home, as our daughter is an extremely well adjusted and intelligent wee girl, i did lose my sense of self and individuality. By the time my daughter was 1 he had become very friendly with the new neighbours and the began hanging out most nights drinking and stuff. He has never really had a male friend that is so close to him in personality, as i have always been his best pal. anyway, this really hurt me, as he would go out constantly and say he'd only be an hour but then come home 3/4 hours later and on numerous times he wouldnt come home at all! this other guy is a really bad influence on him as he is easily distracted. I started to treat him differently and we would argue a lot. It came toa head nearly 2 years ago when i said i was unhappy and thinking of leaving. i wasnt, but i was trying to scare him into realising what he was doing was hurting me. It worked for a while. Then one night at a party we got really drunk and ended up having a threesome with another one of his friends. My husband initiated it, as its always been a fantasy of ours. Afterwards things were really good between us, we coldnt keep our hands off each other and we felt really connected. Bt after time i couldnt cope with the feelings that i had betryed my husband. I became really depressed and miserable and shouted at him all the time and called him some horrible names. I have really bruised him emotionally. This happened a year and a half ago. things havent been all bad though, we have had some really good times since then.
I feel like a frumpy housewife who is just a slave to her husbands whims and very unappreciated.
However, since jan i have noticed that he has pulled right back from me. He used to tell me everyday that he loved me and we would have been having regular great sex. When i confrnted him about it 10 days ago, he said that he was no longer "in" love with me. He said he has been bottling up his feelings for so long and that the threesome "stole" the childhood sweetheart image from him. He says he is still sexually attracted to me and since he said this we have been having great sex! He says he doesnt want to leave and will try MC. He says i am the love of his life and he loves me so much it hurts, that he will never love anyone like he loves me but that he just doesnt see me as he always did. He says hes devasted that he feels this way and that he never expected to feel this way, but he does.
I have noticed that since jan he has been drinking a lot. We recently went on holiday and he spent nearly the whole time on his phone. he said it was work related and i believed him. however when all this came out i asked him if there was someone else. he swore there wasnt.

\then 5 days ago he told me he has struck up a friendship with a girl he indirectly works with and that for a while, since jan they have been flirting. He said that she knows all about us and our problems and that she gets him! They are very similar he says, same likes/dislikes similar jobs ( he is a fireman and trauma technician and she is a paramedic). He says he only told me as he wants ro be 100% honest. I knew something was up and he was hiding his phone and has put a lock on it. Since telling me all this he is still possessive with his phone and i know they are still talking. he says hes not gonna stop talking to her as they are just friends. The flirting has stopped, as she stopped it, apparantly. I have found her on twitter and she is looks the exact opposite to me! i have long blonde hair and curves and she is skinny with jet black short hair. shes a real rock chick and has actually hung out with guns n roses!! how do i compete with that!

He had gone from being this loving guy who told me he loved me to this cold and distant person. He says he doesnt feel connected to me, but he still wanted to have sex 4 times over the weekend! He says the sex has to stop for a while as its only confusing the situation, but i think we need to keep doing it as its the only connection we have at the moment!

I really dont know what to do, my head is spinning! im not eating or sleeping properly. I do need to lose weight (30lbs or so). I cant stop thinking about him. hes the love of my life and i cant believe i might lose him. I feel like i have pushed him away for so long and right into the arms of another! please help


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Sounds like you have a pretty good grasp on where you lost one another.

Also sounds like you recognize that you have both contributed to the issues.

Check out the Coping with Infidelity forum. I'm not suggesting you're there ... but that is undoubtedly the trajectory of your relationship.

The baseline advice is very straightforward ... work on you. You think you need to lose weight? Do it. You want to get a job? Definitely do it. 

In a nutshell, the more you start being the person you were ... or want to be, the less likely that your relationship stays in a dull, rut.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I think you are right in wanting to get into counseling. It really can be very helpful. My MC story is in my profile. 

Work and and sacrifice towards your marriage. Fix the issues and be happy again.


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## honeybum (Mar 7, 2011)

i seem to be the one who wants to fix it more though. He said at the weekend that hes going to put 100% into trying but hes away with work at the moment on a course and he has only rang me once in 2 days! hes been texting but not about anything much. hes not really trying and i just know hes propbably been talking to his "friend" since hes been away!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

honeybum said:


> i seem to be the one who wants to fix it more though. He said at the weekend that hes going to put 100% into trying but hes away with work at the moment on a course and he has only rang me once in 2 days! hes been texting but not about anything much. hes not really trying and i just know hes propbably been talking to his "friend" since hes been away!


Those are the types of thoughts that make you appear weak and needy. Guaranteed to drive him right to her.


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## honeybum (Mar 7, 2011)

i suppose you are right. i cant help feeling this way though! dont know how to be? one minute im positive then im angry then im scared then im in despair! he just rang there to say goodnight to our daughter but not much chat with me


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> He says he doesnt want to leave and will try MC.


 This is a really big deal. 

Also, emotional affairs are VERY common in your situation. My wife had a borderline EA.

This can still get a lot better.

My wife as 99% disconnected during a part of my MC story. He can reconnect. You may have to take the starting starts getting back into MC.

Read the 180 and in my story and others. It helps.


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## honeybum (Mar 7, 2011)

thanks anx, i really hope it can be fixed, i dont want anyone but him. i just hate that hes gone from this loving person who tells me daily that he loves me to nothing at all! except at the weekend when he wanted sex! very confusing, i only did it cos i wanted to feel close to him. i desperatly want o tell him i love him but after reading the 180, i wont.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Sex is really tricky in situations like yours. Sex can always be tricky. He is confused, but still wants it. You can get hurt easily too. I'm not sure it should stop or not. 

I'm not sure you should follow #12 or 17 of the 180. I didn't in my story. He just needs space and pushing him goes poorly. There are a ton of stories like yours on the forums where it gets really rough due to desperately wanting to feel loved. Stay strong.

Get a stack of MC books, get in MC, and start fixing this. I know its hard. I've been desperate, hurting, confused, and depressed about this before. It is worth the work, but VERY hard.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

This is a common scenario, a couple has a three-some and then the man tries to shame her. 

He is the one who should be ashamed for showing lack of judgement and not being man enough to protect his wife instead of using her for his pleasure. He needs to stand up like a man and take ownership of what he has done.

Look if the central issue is the threesome and he is trying to lay it on you, don't go along with that. It was a fantasy of you both and he is 50% at fault. 

You have to gain perspective and your own reality, not his. You know that it did not happen the way he says. He was fully aware and participated and encouraged you so, he is guilty. He has a distorted reality. Remind him of what really happened and you should not be running after him asking for forgiveness he should be doing that to you, back up and do that. 

I would cool things off give him space to realize that he was responsible for his action and you do not deserve to be stressed like this. Stop right now and start taking responsibility for you and demanding he stop shaming you and take his own shame. Do what is good for you not what is good for him.


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## honeybum (Mar 7, 2011)

he says that he takes full responsability for what happened but that he says that night stole something from him. he says he sees me in a different light now. constantly afterwards though and only up til recently he would bring it up often when we were in bed and would reminis about it and it would turn him on. If it stole his love for me why would he act this way? he would always tell me he loved me, leave me notes and messages of love up until 2 weeks ago when all this came out. im so confused. The 3some really messed me up as it was mfm, i felt like i had cheated on him and my own guilt made me act terribly towards him, I feel like i have literally pushed him into the arms of another


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

honeybum said:


> he says that he takes full responsability for what happened but that he says that night stole something from him. he says he sees me in a different light now. constantly afterwards though and only up til recently he would bring it up often when we were in bed and would reminis about it and it would turn him on. If it stole his love for me why would he act this way? he would always tell me he loved me, leave me notes and messages of love up until 2 weeks ago when all this came out. im so confused. The 3some really messed me up as it was mfm, i felt like i had cheated on him and my own guilt made me act terribly towards him, I feel like i have literally pushed him into the arms of another


He is doing the classic things that cheaters do - they lie, deflect guilt onto the deceived spouse, distort reality, become angry, blame the spouse, He is having an affair and using the 3some as a smoke screen. You did not push him he went and he is making you think he was pushed stop letting him dupe you and lie. 

You have to call him on that. Go to the section that gives advice on cheaters and follow the advice. Stop feeling guilty he is manipulating you, don't listen to lies and blame shifting. Stay on message no matter what excuses and lies he uses to continue the affair. Stop all contact with him until he cuts off contact with her. He is having sex with you because he is confused don't supply that need so he can have his cake and eat it too. The affair must stop period before you work on the relationship. 

Since it is ongoing, threat it like an affair and follow the instructions on how to deal with an affair on the section on this forum. Don't let him deflect blame onto you. This is all his problem not yours.


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## honeybum (Mar 7, 2011)

when i asked him if there was someone else when he first told me his feelings he said no, but my gut said something wasnt right as he was very possessive with his phone and even put a lock on it. since he told me about this girl, he said it was mild flirting, but it has since stopped. he said what has come out of this is a great friendship for him. he feels he can really talk to her and they have so much in common. he is still possessive with his phone though and wont leave it around at all, something which he has never done. the more i think about this the more i think that the 3some is a smokescreen. i will know just how often he speaks to her when his phone bill comes in a week and a half. i have never checked it before, but i will be doing it now! i cant believe my childhood sweetie is doing this to me! he isnt blaming me for anything though at all! he says he is the one to blame and that i am a great wife and mother


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