# My husband is controlling me - feel like a prisoner



## walburga

I need advice:
Am I a bad person when my deep desire is to live on my own, to have a job and my own apartment, my own life, my own rules, finally friends again, social live and some fun in my life?
Here is my story:
How are you doing? I need help, I need clarity and I need advice.
I* have been married for 10 years now, my gosh, I just realized that it is already 10 years!
I am not happy in my marriage, even from the beginning because he is very controlling and emotional very distance to me.
I feel like he is treating me more like a dog, he for sure has trained me like I am a dog. 
He likes to put me down, to critic me, to control me and to manipulate me.
I never can do anything right. I have to do everything alone in the household, if I am working in addition or not. but he has to mention every single day how long his day was
and he never helps me, I have to carry heavy groceries, clean, do dishes, laundry, vacuum etc... he almost never helps me nor thinks he can help me.
In his presence I feel weak, feel like a little child and/ or like a dog. my opinion does never count nor is right. I* am afraid of saying something he does not like to hear
then he immediately gets mad at me and calls me by my name repeatedly :" Silvia no!" Silvia, do this! Silvia, no this is wrong, Silvia no, Silvia listen to me, Silvia come here, Silvia can you do this for me" I am isolated, no more friends, less contact with family, no fun in my life, no more money nor career. I gave up EVERYTHING for him.
I feel weak, small, ugly and alone. He rules over me, he has rules for me he is not following, he has always excuses for his* behavior but when Ido something wrong, he acts like this is the biggest crime ever and this happens almost daily, I have to follow his rules but he acts like he can do whatever he wants to do but I cannot* I feel like I am a prisoner, I am not living the life I want to live. I want to be free, live alone, and live life the way I want to live. He never really is nice to me, and when he is nice for one minute, he then says and/ or does something in the next minute to hurt me he never really can be nice to me, nor say something to me and about me. even a guy at grocery store is nice to me I can feel the difference. in my husband presence I feel bad all the time and drained, no energy, nothing, he takes all my energy, he never takes any responsibilities and he likes to blame me for everything. He likes to use words like: Silvia you always do this, Silvia you never do this..." I am constantly hurt and miss any affection, attention and real understanding. I have to care about him, about his feelings and his needs, but when it comes to my needs and feelings, I am always wrong.
What should I do? Is he abusive? I have tried to escape him for so many times, flying home to Germany, but then he suddenly is so nice on phone and manipulates me flying back to USA and then as soon as I am back, he is cold hearted again and after picking me up from airport he tells me to drive myself to grocery if I need any food, after traveling for 20 hours...then he is the old mean and cold hearted person. but when I finally made my way home in Germany getting away from him, he is then nice, attentive and caring. but this always changes when I am back. 
He is not a bad person - I really do not want to portrait him as a bad person. Only that he is controlling over me life, which is what I feel, even he says that he does not do that. but I feel like he is I feel like that keeps me to his life so attached and responsible that I cannot breathe properly, I often feel like that he is taking all of my energy, that he is sucking up all the air I breathe. I feel often drained and weak, around him.
Am I a bad person when I want to live on my own, have my own life my own place and my own thing going on, there is passion in this marriage, we have dead marriage, no passion, no intimacy no real physical contact.
He makes me feel like that I have to deserve some love from him and that it is very hard to get from him, any kind of love and affection that I need to do something big and with lots of effort that he actually gives me some love.
My deep desire is being my own person again, living alone, being more confident, self secure and happy and not worried about doing things wrong around him and following* his rules. I just want to make my own choices and live free and happy. I want my freedom back.
Am I a bad person? Even he is not physically harming me, but somehow feel like I am missing out of real life being with him?
I miss love, I miss physical contact with a man I miss romance and real love.
Please let me know what should I do?

The most important thing here is that I feel trapped and I am already so "trained" by him, that I only do things which makes him happy and adapted to his lifestyle.
My needs are not met and my needs are neglected.
I am behaving the way he wants me to behave and I gave up so many things in my life which were important to me.
I am just living by his rules and his interest just for him. I am trying to please him and often worried and scared I do something wrong.

I just want to leave him - this relationship is only draining me - nothing else. no love to real attention, no passion nothing.


Thank you so much in advance.


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## Bibi1031

When you left him, how did you get the money to leave? Can you do that again? Once you leave break all contact with him. Don't let him know where you live or are. Once you are out of his site, file for divorce and get to therapy. You are weak, you need help from a good therapist or he will convince you to come back to the same hell and prison you have been living in. You don't have a marriage, you have a prison sentence. Run away from him and never look back.

You don't say you have children with this man, do you?


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## shrah25

walburga said:


> I need advice:
> Am I a bad person when my deep desire is to live on my own, to have a job and my own apartment, my own life, my own rules, finally friends again, social live and some fun in my life?
> Here is my story:
> How are you doing? I need help, I need clarity and I need advice.
> I* have been married for 10 years now, my gosh, I just realized that it is already 10 years!
> I am not happy in my marriage, even from the beginning because he is very controlling and emotional very distance to me.
> I feel like he is treating me more like a dog, he for sure has trained me like I am a dog.
> He likes to put me down, to critic me, to control me and to manipulate me.
> I never can do anything right. I have to do everything alone in the household, if I am working in addition or not. but he has to mention every single day how long his day was
> and he never helps me, I have to carry heavy groceries, clean, do dishes, laundry, vacuum etc... he almost never helps me nor thinks he can help me.
> In his presence I feel weak, feel like a little child and/ or like a dog. my opinion does never count nor is right. I* am afraid of saying something he does not like to hear
> then he immediately gets mad at me and calls me by my name repeatedly :" Silvia no!" Silvia, do this! Silvia, no this is wrong, Silvia no, Silvia listen to me, Silvia come here, Silvia can you do this for me" I am isolated, no more friends, less contact with family, no fun in my life, no more money nor career. I gave up EVERYTHING for him.
> I feel weak, small, ugly and alone. He rules over me, he has rules for me he is not following, he has always excuses for his* behavior but when Ido something wrong, he acts like this is the biggest crime ever and this happens almost daily, I have to follow his rules but he acts like he can do whatever he wants to do but I cannot* I feel like I am a prisoner, I am not living the life I want to live. I want to be free, live alone, and live life the way I want to live. He never really is nice to me, and when he is nice for one minute, he then says and/ or does something in the next minute to hurt me he never really can be nice to me, nor say something to me and about me. even a guy at grocery store is nice to me I can feel the difference. in my husband presence I feel bad all the time and drained, no energy, nothing, he takes all my energy, he never takes any responsibilities and he likes to blame me for everything. He likes to use words like: Silvia you always do this, Silvia you never do this..." I am constantly hurt and miss any affection, attention and real understanding. I have to care about him, about his feelings and his needs, but when it comes to my needs and feelings, I am always wrong.
> What should I do? Is he abusive? I have tried to escape him for so many times, flying home to Germany, but then he suddenly is so nice on phone and manipulates me flying back to USA and then as soon as I am back, he is cold hearted again and after picking me up from airport he tells me to drive myself to grocery if I need any food, after traveling for 20 hours...then he is the old mean and cold hearted person. but when I finally made my way home in Germany getting away from him, he is then nice, attentive and caring. but this always changes when I am back.
> He is not a bad person - I really do not want to portrait him as a bad person. Only that he is controlling over me life, which is what I feel, even he says that he does not do that. but I feel like he is I feel like that keeps me to his life so attached and responsible that I cannot breathe properly, I often feel like that he is taking all of my energy, that he is sucking up all the air I breathe. I feel often drained and weak, around him.
> Am I a bad person when I want to live on my own, have my own life my own place and my own thing going on, there is passion in this marriage, we have dead marriage, no passion, no intimacy no real physical contact.
> He makes me feel like that I have to deserve some love from him and that it is very hard to get from him, any kind of love and affection that I need to do something big and with lots of effort that he actually gives me some love.
> My deep desire is being my own person again, living alone, being more confident, self secure and happy and not worried about doing things wrong around him and following* his rules. I just want to make my own choices and live free and happy. I want my freedom back.
> Am I a bad person? Even he is not physically harming me, but somehow feel like I am missing out of real life being with him?
> I miss love, I miss physical contact with a man I miss romance and real love.
> Please let me know what should I do?
> 
> The most important thing here is that I feel trapped and I am already so "trained" by him, that I only do things which makes him happy and adapted to his lifestyle.
> My needs are not met and my needs are neglected.
> I am behaving the way he wants me to behave and I gave up so many things in my life which were important to me.
> I am just living by his rules and his interest just for him. I am trying to please him and often worried and scared I do something wrong.
> 
> I just want to leave him - this relationship is only draining me - nothing else. no love to real attention, no passion nothing.
> 
> 
> Thank you so much in advance.


Hi @walburga

Thanks for your message and i'm really sorry for the situation you're in. 

I see these sorts of relationships far too often and it's really really unfortunate. There's quite a bit of narcissistic behaviour that you are describing here but without pinning labels on people, let's just look at the reality of what is happening. 

His behaviour is absolutely atrocious. If he is a true masculine male, then he should be wanting to serve you, protect you, make you feel like the number one person in his life etc etc, but instead he is purely projecting his own insecurities onto you and slowly over time, that behaviour has affected your own sense of self worth - which sadly is what makes matters worse. It's actually the lowest form of behaviour and it really needs to be put to an end because over time, it will continue to make you feel more and more inferior. 

In terms of you wanting to leave - there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling like that. I think most people in your scenario would feel exactly the same hence you are well within your right. You now really need to make a decision about how you want the future to look like and how you are going to take control of the situation. Every time he plays the game and says "I love you honey" "please come back" or anything like that, he's manipulating the situation to suit him but the truth is that his 'ego' feeds off the situation and your insecurity. You must recognise this and put an end to it - otherwise it will continue to go on. 

You are not in a loving relationship at all. When he says it, he doesn't truly understand what love is. Period. 
Love is about giving and not getting. Love is about service to one another. Love is a pure emotion. 

I truly honour you for your strength and courage to be able to deal with what you have over the last 10 years but it's time to take hold of the situation and ensure that your needs are met for once. You have to be careful because he will say all the lovely things to get you back but the cycle will just continue on and on if you go back.

Remember - this is your life and it's time for you to experience what you desire the most. I'm normally the first to say work on a marriage first but personally, I just can't see him turning it around in the near future. 

I hope that makes sense.

Any questions, please let me know.

Thanks
Sri


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## cc48kel

I would want to run far away from him also. You are not there to serve him! Please find a therapist to talk with. Do you work? If you don't I would start looking for something even part-time. You can also get a free consultation from an lawyer-- just to get more information if anything. I went for myself as well.. When you do finally get away from this guy, please stay away from him and keep moving forward.


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## EleGirl

No, you are not a bad person for wanting to leave him and be on your own. Your feelings and desires about this are normal and show that somewhere in you there still exists that wonder, strong woman that he was tried to emotionally abuse into non-existence.

Yes, what you describe is serious emotional abuse.

When he is angry, does he ever hit walls, furniture, etc? Does he break things in anger? How about getting up close to you in an intimidating stance and yelling at you? threatening you? Does he hit you? shove you? put his hands on you in anger?

I'm sure you find it hard to leave because your are already emomtionally exhausted. And the work of leaving seems like a huge mountain to climb. 

The way to get a way from him is to have an exit plan and work that plan, That way on any one day you are only working on one or two items in the list. YOu don't have to face this huge thing "leaving him"... just one small step. 

I'm going to post a suggested exit plan. If you wish, you can customize it to your situation.


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## EleGirl

There are links to two safety/exit plan info sites.....

http://www.ncdsv.org/images/DV_Safety_Plan.pdf
Safety Planning ? Domestic Violence Resource Center

Below is a safety exist plan that I put together. You can look through all this and take what makes sense for you and make your own plan.....

Call 911 and they will help you get away.
* The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support*
If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.
If you are not in the USA, then you can search online for your countries domestic abuse hot line.

========================================

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps. 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

*Get a support system: *



Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.


Also check into legal aid in your area.



Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Check on sites like Amazon for books about divorce in your state. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.


Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 
If you do not have friends of your own, start making them. Even if you don’t share your situation with them, just having a social outlet for you and even your children will help. One way to meet people is to go to We are what we do | Meetup Search for meetup groups in your area. In most areas they have a lot of things to choose from. You just sign up and go.



*Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. *



If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:


your mail from the ‘safe address’


All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account


Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.


Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 


Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 


Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 


Titles, deeds and other property information 


Medical records


Children's school and immunization records


Insurance information


Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 


Welfare identification


Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions

*Financial Plan*


Consider getting a job as soon as you can if you do not already have one. This will give you access to money and independence.


*Your safety Plan: *

You need a safety plan just in case you need to leave immediately if things get out of hand. 



Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 


Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.


If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 


Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 


Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 


You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 


Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.


If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 


Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 


Hide an extra set of car keys. 


Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 


Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 


Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 


Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 


Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 


Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.


*After Leaving the Abusive Relationship*


 *If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving the family home: *


Change your locks and phone number. 


Change your work hours and route taken to work. 


Change the route taken to transport children to school. 


Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 


Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 


Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 


Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 


 *If you leave the family home: *


Do not leave your children with your abusive spouse/partner. Take them with you. Talk to your attorney and/or the abuse organization counselors to make sure you do this in a way that will not jeopardize your future custody rights. You don’t want to look like you are kidnapping your children.


Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 


Change your work hours, if possible. 


Alert school authorities of the situation. 


Consider changing your children's schools. 


Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 


Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 


Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 


Talk to trusted people about the violence. 


Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 


Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 


Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 


Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.

 
Here are some ways you can find out things about your finances and some about how you can start saving money in your own name. I’m not putting them on the open forum because I don’t want to tip off people who are abusers.

Some of this might sound crazy. But you are completely in the dark and these are ways that people I know, even I, got the info we needed so that our spouse could not rip us off in a divorce.

Check his wallet and get photographs of any cards and other info that he has in there to include his driver’s license. Make sure to save them somewhere that he cannot get to, like on the cloud.

If he has a brief case do the same thing to it. Do you have a scanner at home? If not get one. I have a small portable that’s easy to use. That’s all you need. Just scan everything in his briefcase into pdf or jpgs. And again keep that info in a cloud account.

If you do use a cloud account, make sure that it does not create an account on your PC that he could see. There is a way to prevent that.

Does he have a home office or a place at home where he works sometimes? If so search it (often). Check the trash.. (I found out all kinds of stuff about my husband by searching his trash. Like I found letters from his affair partner. That’s how I found out about one of his affairs. I also found receipts and statements showing that he was moving money that I earned into accounts and investments in his and his mother’s name. 

Another thing that you might want to try is to go through the trash from his business if you can get to it. Just snatch the bags of trash out of the trash bin into your car, take them some place where he will not see you go through it and search. I kid you not, you can find stuff.

Get a key to his car. Make one if you need to. Then search it often. Search every cranny. Again I found all kinds of info that way. My then husband was hiding papers in the well where the spare tire and tools go. When he traveled, I drove to the airport, found his car in long-term parking and searched it. He was using his car to hide things while he traveled.

Get online and order his credit report. It could lead to all kinds of info on accounts he has.

Search the court records for any law suits. If he has a business, it might have been sued and he might have had to disclose financial info. Here where I live there is a website for the state of New Mexico where we can search on a person’s name to find all court cases of any kind… to include if they were sued, arrested and charged, divorced, etc. I’m sure that New York has something similar.

If you have access to a computer that he uses, put a key stroke monitor on his computer. A very good one is Webwatcher. It captures every keystroke and takes screen shots. Then it sends the information to your account on their website. So you don’t even need to get on his computer after the software is installed. You will be able to get passwords, account numbers, etc. this way.

Make sure that you take an inventory of everything of value in your home. Take photos of everything. And do a walking inventory through the house. That way he cannot hide or dispose of things of value during a divorce.


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## arbitrator

*You are living in far worse than under indentured servitude or even slavery!

Pack most every personal item of value, and when he is gone, head straight to a lawyer's office even with suitcase in tow! At a minimum, they will be more than happy to help you find decent shelter, likely through either a church, social services, or an independent religious affiliate!

No one deserves treatment like this even on their very worst day!

Please keep us here at TAM all timely updated on your situation! 

And always remember: God loves you and so do we!*


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## EleGirl

I deleted your other thread. You will get better input with only one thread on a topic.


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## TheRealMcCoy

EleGirl said:


> I deleted your other thread. You will get better input with only one thread on a topic.


That's too bad. I gave her some pretty good advice there.

In summary, what people here don't understand is that the abuser was probably caught in his own cycle of abuse. We still don't know if she has kids with him, but they will probably be abusers as well. The cycle goes both ways, you know. We need to stop treating abusers as pariah's and help them. Understand them. The cycle gets stopped on the abusers side, not the victim's. The victim can walk. But she just passes that abuse on to the next victim he marries/dates. It gets passed on to her boys. It gets passed on to her girls that it's the way a marriage is supposed to be.

So yes, leave the monster. But I know you have sympathy for him. You said so somewhere. He is NOT a bad person. He is a good person with a bad problem. Save yourself first. But if you do it right, you can save him as well.

Good luck.


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## EleGirl

TheRealMcCoy said:


> That's too bad. I gave her some pretty good advice there.
> 
> In summary, what people here don't understand is that the abuser was probably caught in his own cycle of abuse. We still don't know if she has kids with him, but they will probably be abusers as well. The cycle goes both ways, you know. We need to stop treating abusers as pariah's and help them. Understand them. The cycle gets stopped on the abusers side, not the victim's. The victim can walk. But she just passes that abuse on to the next victim he marries/dates. It gets passed on to her boys. It gets passed on to her girls that it's the way a marriage is supposed to be.
> 
> So yes, leave the monster. But I know you have sympathy for him. You said so somewhere. He is NOT a bad person. He is a good person with a bad problem. Save yourself first. But if you do it right, you can save him as well.
> 
> Good luck.


No, her other thread had no responses on it. I deleted your post on this thread because it was totally inappropriate. 

The abuser, male or female, is 100% responsible for their abusive behavior. She cannot fix him. He has to be willing to admit to his abuse and make he effort all on his own to fix himself.


She has a life time ahead of her to fix herself. She's allows herself to be abused. She needs to figure this out and stop being a participant in abuse.

To tell a victim of abuse that they needs to stay and be responsible for fixing their abuser is horrible advice.


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## MattMatt

You are not a horrible person.

But your husband is a horrible person.

Next time you go to Germany change your phone number. And stay in Germany.


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## 225985

.


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## FeministInPink

@wallburga No, you are NOT a bad person. What you are experiencing in your marriage is emotional abuse, and it isn't healthy. Other posters here have already offered you sound advice to get out (and if you have children, take them with you) and divorce this man. You said you went to Germany... is that where you are from, where your family is? Can you get there again? Can you squirrel away some money to help you get back on your feet? Remember, all the marital funds... it's your money, too.

It won't be easy, and you'll have to do a lot of work to get yourself and your self-confidence back. Can you go stay with your family? If you open up to them about your marriage, I think you will find that you have a place to stay for as long as you need it.

Formulate a plan, leave this marriage, go no contact with your husband, and start your life over. You don't have to live like this. This isn't a healthy marriage. You CAN leave. The only thing keeping you in this marriage is you. If you don't want to live your life like this, you don't have to.

*hugs*


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## Jessica38

walburga said:


> I clean, do dishes, laundry, vacuum etc... he almost never helps me nor thinks he can help me.
> In his presence I feel weak, feel like a little child and/ or like a dog. my opinion does never count nor is right. I* am afraid of saying something he does not like to hear
> then he immediately gets mad at me and calls me by my name repeatedly :" Silvia no!" Silvia, do this! Silvia, no this is wrong, Silvia no, Silvia listen to me, Silvia come here, Silvia can you do this for me" I am isolated, no more friends, less contact with family, no fun in my life, no more money nor career. I gave up EVERYTHING for him.
> I feel weak, small, ugly and alone. He rules over me, he has rules for me he is not following, he has always excuses for his* behavior but when Ido something wrong, he acts like this is the biggest crime ever and this happens almost daily, I have to follow his rules but he acts like he can do whatever he wants to do but I cannot* I feel like I am a prisoner, I am not living the life I want to live. I want to be free, live alone, and live life the way I want to live. He never really is nice to me, and when he is nice for one minute, he then says and/ or does something in the next minute to hurt me he never really can be nice to me, nor say something to me and about me. even a guy at grocery store is nice to me I can feel the difference. in my husband presence I feel bad all the time and drained, no energy, nothing, he takes all my energy, he never takes any responsibilities and he likes to blame me for everything. He likes to use words like: Silvia you always do this, Silvia you never do this..." I am constantly hurt and miss any affection, attention and real understanding. I have to care about him, about his feelings and his needs, but when it comes to my needs and feelings, I am always wrong.
> 
> This does not jive with this:
> 
> He is not a bad person - I really do not want to portrait him as a bad person.
> 
> Yes, he is. Your husband sounds abusive. I'd highly suggest getting into IC before making any decisions.
> 
> The most important thing here is that I feel trapped and I am already so "trained" by him, that I only do things which makes him happy and adapted to his lifestyle.
> 
> Why are you trapped? Do you have children? Did you have a career or skills to help you get a job fairly quickly?
> My needs are not met and my needs are neglected.
> I am behaving the way he wants me to behave and I gave up so many things in my life which were important to me.
> I am just living by his rules and his interest just for him. I am trying to please him and often worried and scared I do something wrong.
> 
> I just want to leave him - this relationship is only draining me - nothing else. no love to real attention, no passion nothing.
> 
> 
> Thank you so much in advance.


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## EleGirl

TheRealMcCoy said:


> That's too bad. I gave her some pretty good advice there.
> 
> In summary, what people here don't understand is that the abuser was probably caught in his own cycle of abuse. We still don't know if she has kids with him, but they will probably be abusers as well. The cycle goes both ways, you know. We need to stop treating abusers as pariah's and help them. Understand them. The cycle gets stopped on the abusers side, not the victim's. The victim can walk. But she just passes that abuse on to the next victim he marries/dates. It gets passed on to her boys. It gets passed on to her girls that it's the way a marriage is supposed to be.
> 
> So yes, leave the monster. But I know you have sympathy for him. You said so somewhere. He is NOT a bad person. He is a good person with a bad problem. Save yourself first. *But if you do it right, you can save him as well.*
> 
> Good luck.


How do you propose that she save him?


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## TheRealMcCoy

EleGirl said:


> How do you propose that she save him?





walburga said:


> "I have tried to escape him for so many times, flying home to Germany, but then he suddenly is so nice on phone and manipulates me flying back to USA..."


Don't come back. And make SURE he knows why.


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## EleGirl

TheRealMcCoy said:


> Don't come back. And make SURE he knows why.


OK, so the same thing everyone else is basically telling her. And for that you call the posters on TAM vultures? You know that name calling is against the rules right?


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