# Considering divorce



## MsBlueJay (May 23, 2012)

Hello Ladies, 

I am new here, so I hope to get some honest feedback. 

First, a little background, I'm 32 married with two kids, young children. I met my husband online, had a brief moment of dating and became pregnant. We got married before our first child was born. 

Fast forward, it has been almost 7 years. 

I simply do not feel the love from his end. The only time I feel he is connected is when he wants sex. We DO NOT COMMUNICATE, and I don't feel we have a friendship. 

I have tried over and over again to explain to him that the way to reach me physically would be to connect with me emotionally. But to him, if there is no sex, then the relationship is pointless. And I can't "perform" if he doesn't show me affection otherwise. 

A few days ago, after spending a month living as total strangers in our home, he texts me (his choice of communication) and said we should stop fighting and have sex. I declined because I can't and will not unless things are really settled. He simply want to bury things under the rug, and it always somehow never gets resolved. 

Now he's mad at me, again. Wakes up early, an disappears. (memorial weekend) I am sick and tired of this endless cycle. It's the same nonsense every time. 

I have sacrificed much to make this relationship work, but I'm getting to the point where I feel I need to move on and start living my life again. 

I am not getting younger, and feel as if my life is passing me by. 

Any suggestions would be much appreciated.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Now from a man...and 100% honest....

First of all...get professional help unless you are sure you want to go. The children make this a very very serious situation.

Now my outside opinion...

Now about this sex confusion that is happening with you....as a guy here is what I think....

Understand that for many men (not sure about yours...but it sounds like it...) sex is love, sex is connection. That is like 80% of our lives. I kid you not. I have 2 advanced degrees, we make a lot of money, and we are healthy. 

I have been married for 22 years and no one has ever had a affair. My wife and I have sex... of some kind anyway...about 1-3 times per week. 

If I get sex about 3 x per week, then I start to feel sated. Less than that and I am constantly wanting to chance after my wife and I even feel disconnected from her emotionally. YUP. Emotionally.

Im NOT happy unless my wife gives me a lot of sex....even with both of us 45 years old.

I even feel disconnected from my wife still....and much of it is about the sex and how I perceive that she feels about it. 

Its so important for men to connect during sex, that you are shooting yourself in the foot by doing this.

Think about this..

Im trying to explain how we guys see all of this.

I have actually considered divorcing my wife and messing up a wonderful lifestyle...even though I do have sex with her...because I dont feel connected enough during sex.

That is how important sex is to us guys. At least to this one, and as far as I can tell, most others.

You said he only feels connected when having sex....well.....he is a man. I don't know why we feel this way...but that is reality.

What is this other connection you are seeking? 

Romance...friendship...what? In that area it sounds like he has a big problem connecting. I can tell you that if my wife does sexually connect with me enough (as described)....then I feel about 1000x more comfortable connecting on all the other levels.

If I felt that during sex my wife was fully connected to me, was 100% comfortable, had orgasms, felt a spiritual love connection, or whatever it is...THEN I feel great about this rest of life.

So.....one thing may have to follow the other.....

Its a cycle....it can be a virtuous cycle or a vicious cycle.

He SHOULD be your friend, he SHOULD be providing for the family, and he SHOULD be kind and PRESENT for you and your children, and he SHOULD spend time with you outside the bedroom. 

You are correct to want these things. You deserve these things....but you are not going to come close to getting them by cutting off the cycle yourself.

However.....you have to get inside our minds....men's minds....believe it or not for most of us our whole relationship with our wife (SO) revolves around sex. How much sex, when we get sex, how we get it, how she likes or does not like it (or our own image and fantasy about this)..

If my wife refused sex with me frequently, then I would be 100% sure that she was not in love with me. 

This is how I would react emotionally. He may be totally different...but you might keep this in mind.

If my wife is not paying enough sexual attention to me I also react by becoming ANGRY and mean. In my case I don't leave, but I want to leave. I want to leave to get away from the pain that I feel and the discomfort of wanting someone who is ambivalent about me.

So when you refuse him sex until your connection problem is resolved...you are just shooting yourself in the foot. 

You are just not understanding each other at all.

You can't force him to show you more love by forcing his hand by taking sex away.

You are helping nothing by refusing sex. It sounds like you are trying to get back at him this way...but it will probably make him more distant and angry. Bad plan. Sex is not a weapon as they say.

Give him as much sex as he wants. Tell him you love him, tell him you want him, tell him he is great and you appreciate him. Try to mean it.

Try to make the connection with him there. Do that for a few weeks and Id like to see how he changes.

This is really an old story. It plays out over and over. Your method of refusing sex wont work on him or any other man.

Im not saying he is the great person here...it sounds like he has serious difficulty expressing himself....if you want it to be better....make the first move...and enjoy it!

Heck enjoy the sexual power you have over him....he really does want to be with you. I guarantee it.

Now if this fails and you still cant get him to go to therapy with you, then you can consider a break up.

However, you are really in serious situation because of these kids.

And no matter what new man you might find...in the end he is going to want to connect with you in bed more than any place else.


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## MsBlueJay (May 23, 2012)

@fetishwife - Thank you for your candid response. As a woman, it was nice reading from a male's perpective. Things have not been easy, but I have always tried, for the sake of the kids. It truly breaks my heart just the thought, but at what point do you surrender your own NEEDS, for his? I mean, I have tried, I really have. I am no prude. I enjoy sex, but I am not a robot. I can not disconnect my FEELINGS, in hopes that he will understand. He NEVER wants to spend time with family. He has always been EMOTIONALLY disconnected, and I said, we rushed things for the sake of my first born. We got pregnant VERY early in the relationship, and well... decided that our LOVE was strong enough to take the next step. 

I am not saying it has all been bad, but something is missing. I am unhappy. I am needing connection. I am in NEED of intimacy, emotionally and spiritually. Now, more than ever. I am questioning if we ever had it. And the more I search, the more I am inclined to say NO. 

He has threatened that if we don't have sex, he may not be able to hold it much longer. What am I supposed to take of that? Was a threat? Should I feel obligated to give in, in order to avoid separation, even if I am unhappy?


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

A different mans view here:

Sex is really important but to me her affection and her smile when she is pleased with me means more to me than everything else hands down!!!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Stonewall said:


> A different mans view here:
> 
> Sex is really important but to me her affection and her smile when she is pleased with me means more to me than everything else hands down!!!


Oh Stonewall....you are so my husband! This is seriously something he would say!! 

This is why he never denies me when I want it... even when he is not "feeling it" as strongly as he did in his younger yrs.....cause that is what puts that darn  on *my* face these days! 



> *MsBluejay said*: We DO NOT COMMUNICATE, and I don't feel we have a friendship.
> 
> I have tried over and over again to explain to him that the way to reach me physically would be to connect with me emotionally. But to him, if there is no sex, then the relationship is pointless. And I can't "perform" if he doesn't show me affection otherwise


 A relationship can not go on like this and thrive in any way shape or form. Sounds you & your husband did not have the TIME required to really get to KNOW each other -to see if you were a good match.....and you've both been holding on for the kids sakes. 

Whatever has been holding him back emotionally from others ...is he like this with everyone ....including his friends.....or just YOU? 

Maybe he has some things from his past he has never delt with ...do you know much about his childhood? What is his family like? Then some men are JUST this way, it is their personality, they are loners, some are so high test, so high strung, enganglements of the emotionoal hold little interest to them. There have been studies done on men who never attach to their children, they are lacking vasopressin - the bonding hormone, they are lower than other men. 


I can only imagine how difficult this must be ...utterly devestating emotionally to any woman.... I think it might be time to sit him down, let him know you are on the verge of leaving , you can't live like this anymore, see if he is willing to get counseling to re-awaken the lines of communication at the very least. This is KEY. He needs to care and understand your need for emotional affection /connection in a healthy marriage.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Bluejay,
In your response to @fetishwife you are using the words always and never rather frequently. This talking in absolutes in unproductive and shows poor communication skills. For instance you state that he has ALWAYS been emotionally disconnected. I find that hard to believe. You did not marry a sack of potatoes. You WERE emotionally connected to him at one point as you had sex to have children. I recommend you seek a good, professional marriage counselor to help you through this time. Divorces are hard on children. This forum is littered with the DEVASTATING effects of divorce on children. You have kids, your needs are secondary, although still important, to those of your children.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I will have to agree with Fetishwife for the most part. I will always remember a statement I heard on Dr. Phil once. He said if a couple is satisfied with their sex life, it's only about 10% of what's right about their marriage, but if someone isn't satisfied with it, it can be about 90% of what's wrong with it. I can understand that.

I can remember a few times in my marriage when we had more frequent sex. At that point, sex wasn't an issue; we did it, enjoyed it, and went on with the rest of our lives. But when the sex started to get less frequent, it caused frustration and caused me to feel less connected. 

My x was the same way. She needed the emotional connection to want sex, and I needed sex to supply the emotional connection. I don't know if I first slacked off on the emotional stuff or if she first slacked off on sex, but that is a tough place to be. I do think, however, it can be worked out.


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## MsBlueJay (May 23, 2012)

Thank you everyone, for your sincerity and different points of view. 

As mentioned, my husband and I did not have the adequate time to get to know each other in the beginning of our relationship, and it has definitely caused things to get progressively more difficult. 
My husband has a good heart, but has never been able to truly connect with people. We come from very different families, and background. My family, a Christian family. And very outgoing. His, not so much. My husband is also extremely timid, and this is with everyone. He is quiet and reserved. And has never really connected with his own family, so I guess I may be asking for to much for him to connect with me. 

When we first met, of course we connected, but like in every relationship in the beginning we all put our very best foot forward, don't we? 

Yes we managed to have to kids, and they are the most important reasons this has been so difficult on me. I'm sure on him as well. However, he has an older child from a previous relationship, an managed to go on with him life without the mother. I am guessing if he had to do it again, he would. He has threatened to leave several times. And I, have always told him, if he goes don't come back. 

This has become quite the mess. Living in a home as total strangers. It's going on months now. And yes, divorce has a serious impact on children, I know. Though I have never experienced it on a personal level. It cannot be the only reason I stay.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

fetishwife said:


> Now from a man...and 100% honest....
> 
> First of all...get professional help unless you are sure you want to go. The children make this a very very serious situation.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

BlueJay,

Someone has to take the first step down the road. You seem to be hesitant to do so but you are the one asking for help here. Give it a try before you walk away


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## MsBlueJay (May 23, 2012)

Thanks everyone. I am putting it in God's hands. Trying to keep the promise I made when we exchanged our vows. For now, I am letting things be. Focusing on my children. First, and foremost.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Will he go to counseling? If you keep your feelings bottled up you'll build up a lot of resentment. He has to recognize your need for an emotional connection as well as you for his need of sex. Both partners have to try in order for any marriage to be happy. Is he willing to try?


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## MsBlueJay (May 23, 2012)

Hopeful, I have suggested that. And it's not something he is interested in. We have had open conversations with friends (married) thinking he would open up and feel more comfortable, but it turned ugly. It was a blaming match. I have tried to do the love dare, that didn't work. But you're absolutely right the longer this continues, the greater a feeling of resentment.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

MBJ,

Don't just leave it in God's hands.

You need to take action. I think first and foremost is to TELL him that either the two of you go to consueling and participate or the marriage will end.

If he still doesn't respond to this, you must follow through on the threat and seperate from him. If you don't carry through on the ultimatum, you'll lose all credibility with him.

I don't see as you have much of a choice because if you don't get into MC, this marriage will eventualy end


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

MBJ - Have you read "Sex Starved Marriage" or 5 love languages? You seem like you have a stereotypical communication breakdown. Also, while it is clear - he understands sex as love, does he know what you want him to do?


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Wow Bluejay your husban sounds just like me a few years back. My wife would say I only paid attention to her when I wanted sex. As she expressed it like a prostitue. My actions were wrong and through MC I learned to proper way to treat my wife. A lot of us get married with no clue on how to treat each other.

But again trough MC and our chruch put on a program to help married poeple one was his needs her needs.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

From a female, sometimes sex is a way to reconnect, even if I am mad at my husband... as I am right now, you should read my post... I feel just like you do, only our sex life has gotten out of that rut and into an entirely different one.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

MsBlueJay said:


> Thanks everyone. I am putting it in God's hands. Trying to keep the promise I made when we exchanged our vows. For now, I am letting things be. Focusing on my children. First, and foremost.


THIS!!!!!!!! is a big part of your problem methinks. Your hubby has been de-prioritised, moved so far down the list of importance that he KNOWS he no longer matters to you. Which was the chicken and which was the egg, the kids becoming important and focus of all attention, or hubby disconnecting?

Spouse should be FIRST, because they will be the last one there when everyone else has moved on as well.


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