# Is cheating ever a good idea?



## unloved (Feb 17, 2010)

I know in a good marriage it isn't. But I've been in a sexless (and I mean NO sex) for 6 years to a man who recently revealed that he no longer loves me. He has been and is willing to stay for our child (I assume he'll leave when our child leaves home). He's a very good father, a good roomate, and I enjoy being with him - I desperately wish for some intimacy with him. 

Actually, I'd take some intimacy with anyone at this point. For some reason, my libido has kicked in to overdrive and all I can think about is sex. It's so bad that I came to a stop sign the other day with the words 3-way below it and got turned on. 

I've considered divorce and it still may come to that, but I am not financially stable and don't want to hurt my son. Would cheating be such a bad thing in this case? I really don't have anybody in mind - just wondering.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Cheating isn't a good idea, but it wouldn't be cheating if your husband knew about it.

What would he say if you said "I need sex. If you're not going to give it to me, do you mind if I go get it elsewhere?"


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

Cheating is never a good option, but artieb's right. If you confronted the matter openly and honestly, what would your husband say? Would he be open to the idea? 

One finds it difficult to think that either he's getting it elsewhere or is thinking about getting it elsewhere... I say this only from experience.


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

artieb said:


> Cheating isn't a good idea, but it wouldn't be cheating if your husband knew about it.
> 
> What would he say if you said "I need sex. If you're not going to give it to me, do you mind if I go get it elsewhere?"


"I need sex. If you're not going to give it to me, I am going to get it elsewhere."

This is better.


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## lola1978 (Mar 8, 2010)

I am probably not the best person to give advice (especially since I just posted my problems here), but since I have just been through a similar situation, maybe I can be of some help. Long story short - I too am in a sexless marriage. If I am very lucky, 5 or 6 times a year, and to be perfectly blunt, the sex is always awful, it is over in a matter of minutes and very selfish on his part. Finally after years of being lonely and starved for that affection, I had an affair. It was short-lived (about a month) and it was with a friend, which was probably a bad idea because actual feelings aside from sex naturally came very quickly. But for that month I was so happy. It was wonderful to feel wanted and needed, to feel beautiful and to not feel so sexually frustrated anymore. It was also wonderful not to feel rejected. The affair is now over and my husband and I are trying to work things out. I am now even more miserable than I was before. I am so much more lonely and feel the pain of his rejection so much more acutely. I cry all the time, I am constantly depressed and my self esteem has hit even new lows. I don't know if I regret it or not. I was happy for a little while and that was wonderful, but I feel even worse now. And not out of guilt that most people who cheat experience, but because I have lost something that made me feel wonderful. 
So if there is any chance that you and your husband may decide to work things out and you do go outside the marriage in the meantime, it could really affect you later on. A friend told this to me, but I didn't listen to her, and now I do kind of wish I would have. If there is no chance that your marriage will work and you are only staying together for your child, then maybe talking to your husband about what exactly the status of your marriage is might be a good idea. 
I don't know if I would ever cheat again. Part of me wants to. Just to feel that happiness again, but unfortunatly with that happiness usually comes a lot of loss and sadness.


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## momof6girls (Jan 11, 2010)

sounds like he has already told you the marriage is one for the child... so go at it this way, ask for a divorce or legal separation even though you live in the same home for the child you would be legally and morally ok to go some where else for love and sex or just sex your choice. and or talk to him and let him know you are going looking for relationship or just looking for sex and make rules descrestion and bringing no one home and not useing joint money to play... sounds like he opened the door when he said he don't love you anymore i would not be suprised if he was going out side for his sex right now anyway...


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## unloved (Feb 17, 2010)

If I do pursue this route, I'm scared to death of my son (or anyone else) finding out. We live in a very small, conservative town and both my husband and I are prominent in the community. I'd definitely have to be very discrete. The legal divorce/separation idea while living under the same roof is also something I've thought about, but while that might satisfy the ethical concern I have about having an affair, I'm afraid it would be very confusing for my son. Mostly, I just wish my husband would love me again but that doesn't look like it's going to happen. I'm not getting any younger (43) - I feel like my husband has robbed me of my best years sexually. I know I'm not completely blameless in our predicament but he refuses to (or can't) get past his resentment of me and won't go to counseling. Somehow, we've managed to develop a friend/roomate relationship over the years so everything seems kind of normal on the surface.

lola - thank you for sharing your experience. I see many similarities in our predicaments and wish you the best. Please keep updating so I know how things are going with you. I do hold out a small bit of hope that things can work out with my husband and your experience confirms that an affair would be very detrimental to that actually happening. I'm just dying for some intimacy right now and it's making me very unhappy and sad.


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## Flanders (Feb 26, 2010)

Every man needs sex. So He is probably getting it on the side, so why not ask him if he wants to do some swinging, check for swingers locally.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Cheating is not "having sex with someone other than your partner"
Cheating is doing something dishonest.

Cheating is not ever a good "idea".....

Deal with the situation at hand.. resolve it one way or the other.
Cheating complicates things,,, further creates separation and results from lack of communication. Cheating confuses yuour mind further becuse the other person SURELy will "seem" better than what you have.. you will fee MORE separate and more like you need to get out.. Its an influence that will almost always, spell then end. If thats the case be honest and end it or fix it.


Who better than me to write that?


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## unloved (Feb 17, 2010)

OK - not thinking about cheating anymore because there's been a positive development - my H and I have had sex twice in the last 3 days. :smthumbup:

I thought I was horny before, now it's all I can think about. Trying not to be too pushy about it cause I don't want it to stop again. I know our problems aren't solved but this buys us some time to try to work through things. He seems to be enjoying himself. I know I am.

I seriously was one foot out the door to divorce or affair. I know myself well enough that if I had an affair I would transfer affections and longing to that person and then there would be no hope for me and H at all.

So just in the nick of time.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

unloved said:


> OK - not thinking about cheating anymore because there's been a positive development - my H and I have had sex twice in the last 3 days. :smthumbup:
> 
> I thought I was horny before, now it's all I can think about. Trying not to be too pushy about it cause I don't want it to stop again. I know our problems aren't solved but this buys us some time to try to work through things. He seems to be enjoying himself. I know I am.
> 
> ...



Just dont let that "gift" of time lull you into non action to resolve the real deep down issues.

Use the time as best you can, or a month from now... well you know.


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

No it's never a good idea. Divorce sounds like a good idea in this situation. If you don't believe me, head over to the infidelity forum to see how much EXTRA problems cheating causes. Cheating also means you only get a half life, as it's hidden. I think this marriage is over. break up in the most responsible and ADULT way you can. Look after your kid. Then once you're stable again, you can have sex / flings / dating with whomever you want. Do it the honourable way. This is clearly over, get out now. THEN sleep with other people. The other way around will cause many more problems you don't need.


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## DragonPoet (Feb 22, 2011)

Now you know how I feel with my sex drive! No joking in the least bit. I would say if he's willing do marriage counseling. Hopefully it would work out from there. But I mean sex is a big part of life and sometimes you can get "it" from masturbating. It just doesn't fulfill what it is like to be close to another body that cares for you, so I'd say if both of you are consenting, then do it.


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## Smackdown (Feb 21, 2011)

personally I'd masterbate til I was blind. Why? Have you ever lived in a small town where the old women do nothing but talk about you? It will get out and it will be bad for your son. It takes years to live that down and then men think your "easy" and are just rude.
I lived in such a town and the stories had truth to them but not all women are like the stories told. Good luck w/ that.
Mouse


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Personally I am all about ending one thing first before you start another, or else you are just using the man you are with a safety net, and that's just rude... But hey, thats just me.

If you think you can fix what's wrong with your relationship, they learn to self satisfy. Become master of your domain. I am always surprised by how well that works for me. No it does not solve the intimacy, but it could stop me from killing a relationship


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Personally, no I don't think cheating is ever a good idea. I've always been of the opinion that if you're that unhappy in the relationship that you want to be with another person, you should end the relationship before moving on to that other person. I also think that the person you're unhappy with should know exactly why and how unhappy you are, and have a chance to try to remedy the situation. If they fail to do so, or if they flat refuse to try, then you know you did what you could.

Your husband has told you he doesn't love you anymore and is only staying for your child. My question to you would not be why do you want to cheat but instead why are you staying? if I was with someone who honestly told me they didn't love me and were only there for the kid(s), I wouldn't want to stay. I'd resent them for feeling the way they do and not ending it, and I'd lose respect for myself for staying with someone who didn't love me. It would make everyone miserable, including our child. I'd rather end things so that both of us could move on to find someone we each could truly love, were compatible with, and could be happy with.

If you do want to stay, though, I would not cheat. I would try what others have suggested, and see if he's open to you doing it with his knowledge. But...keep in mind, cheating or open marriage, it's possible he could use that against you in court if he changes his mind and decides to divorce you - he could use it as grounds (if your state isn't no-fault) and he could try to use it to get custody of your child.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Not to me.

If you want to cheat, then divorce.

Why stay if you need to cheat?

Kids - not a good reason.

JMHO


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Anyone who would deny you sex for 6 years deserves whatever he gets. No other man would be getting anything that your husband has any interest in or any legitimate claim to. He accepted the job of taking care of your sexual needs and abdicated that duty long ago. He has no reason to even object at this point.


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## sntdwn2ufrmhvn (May 20, 2010)

sorry but for me, if i was in a marriage that was known between us that the only reason we were staying together was for the kids...i would just assume it was okay for me to see other people...i mean, if you've talked about it, and you both agree to stay together just for the kids...then that is the same as seperating...you guys are just roommates it sounds like to me...so IMO its not really cheating.


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## less_disgruntled (Oct 16, 2010)

If it'd been six years, I think an ultimatum is called for. "I haven't had sex in half a decade. I will, soon, and you can chose to help, or not. This can be a marriage where I get my needs met, or a marriage where I get my needs met by someone else, or it can not be a marriage at all." Etc.

FWIW I can def. tell one of my personal narcissisms revolves around this. Being cheated on, I mean. Just considering the possibility that this might happen while my wife and I are "keeping space" is making me bat****.

IDK how so many of you tolerate it. There's love and forgiveness and understanding... and then there's **** I won't truck in. I don't mean like "healthy boundary", I mean that if things are going to go south, it'll be on my account. Jesus, I'm terrible, I need to let people live their own lives, not inflict mine on them.

If I found out my wife was cheating, my response would have been something along the lines of, "You forgot to tell me that this is an open marriage. I'll see you the next time I see you." Then, disappear. Battery out of the phone, get a few hundred dollars out of the ATM. But leave my stuff at home, since I just got the memo about that being okay.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

No of course it's not a good idea.


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## Whatshisname (Jan 12, 2011)

You think your community would have fun with a divorce, can you imagine the fun they'd have if you were caught cheating?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

What would be the down side? That your "partner" might discover and divorce you? Release you from a life of bondage and cruelty? Would another 6 years of dangling from a sexless cross bring you happiness or make you a better, more fulfilled person? If someone isn't adding to your life then what's the advantage of having them around?


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

affairs are never a good idea, I am living the nightmare right now


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

So you had sex twice with your husband who has said that he does not love you. Why is this a good thing?

I say get rid of him. Having sex with you does not mean that he loves you now. Seriously you need to work on your self esteem. You deserve better than that.

I repeat: regular sex will not magically make him love you again.


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