# It's so hard to play it cool when your marriage has so much uncertainty...



## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I was determined to play the role of the loving, doting wife and try to help my husband come out of this depression. I hate the uncertainty, not knowing if he's going to work towards improving our marriage or give up. I'm trying to lay off all the deep discussions and focus on trying to have fun and keep the peace. I don't blame him for feeling like the other shoe is going to drop at any minute. I don't blame him for having doubts about our future, and thinking that if we work towards making it better like we did 2 months ago, that everything will crash and fail again like it did a month ago. But I just want to know and feel that he's in this for the long haul. But he can't give me that. 

I feel like a starving animal, being thrown breadcrumbs. I lost it and yelled at him last week and made things worse. He says he loves me and cares about me and is doing the routine things (kiss goodbye, kiss goodnight, hugs hello, texting me back have a good day ILU, etc.) but he's not calling my baby or my nickname, no sweet comments, just a lump. I am trying so hard to get him to come around, though I know it's not been enough time. I just feel like he's in this awful place (which he's admitted he's depressed as hell and unsure) where he doesn't know if he wants to stay married to me or not. He said a week ago he knows what he wants, he just knows it's impossible (for us to be happy and all the tension to be gone). He feels like he doesn't know how we'll recover from all the hurt and pain. 

And his V-day card was the kicker. It wasn't even a V-day card. It was like a troubled relationship card talking about how if he could go back in time before all the hurt, he would hold me longer, kiss me longer, and appreciate it more.  I lost it. I'm hanging by a thread, needing so much to feel his love, but I know my expectations and needs have to be put on the backburner for now and I need to take care of myself. But he's my world. I am focusing on my kids, but I'm losing this battle with myself. I need my husband.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I'm not sure how to say this without it sounding kind of wrong - but it sounds like he actually put some thought into the card he gave you.

Ask most of us what our cards said a few days later, and we couldn't tell you. Mine had Snoopy on it. Bought it at lunch on V-day. No real significance.

Guess when I read your post, my impression was that at least he's aware of what's going on.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

You may need to do the exact opposite of trying, doting, serving, loving, to get him back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> I'm not sure how to say this without it sounding kind of wrong - but it sounds like he actually put some thought into the card he gave you.
> 
> Ask most of us what our cards said a few days later, and we couldn't tell you. Mine had Snoopy on it. Bought it at lunch on V-day. No real significance.
> 
> Guess when I read your post, my impression was that at least he's aware of what's going on.



Yes, I know he cares about me and hates that we're going through this. It just hurts that he sometimes feels like it would be best to just part ways so that the hurt is over quickly and doesn't continue. He felt like a jerk when I cried over the card because I had acknowledged that yes, the day was dreaded, but we could have a little fun, wink wink.  He went to get a card and told me that he couldn't get a V-day one because they were all sappy. He just doesn't feel it to be appropriate. His card was very sweet, but a big fat reminder of the turmoil we're in. He's definitely aware of what's going on. He's just so pessimistic and has so little faith that he can't say to me, "I want us to work out and I will do whatever is needed to make that happen". He won't do marriage counseling. He's just so negative. We've been married 10 years and never really fought. But we've been fighting for 4 weeks straight. It's really done a lot of damage. I'm barely holding on as I feel like he's pulling away and I'm losing him.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> You may need to do the exact opposite of trying, doting, serving, loving, to get him back.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have considered a 180, but I'm not sure that would be best. He feels so down on himself and this situation, he really needs to know I love him and care. I've gotten some great advice from someone I respect a lot on here, and I'm going to give it a try for awhile. I wrote him a letter, basically saying that, but he hasn't read it yet (part of no expectations from me). I'm so worried about him.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I know how hard it is to know which advice to follow and what's best for your particular situation. If there's someone here on TAM who really knows your story well and/or can relate to it, go with that person's guidance if you feel it's most helpful. I hope things get better for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Thanks, I appreciate it. We had another talk where he said he feels like he isn't himself. He's so depressed that he feels empty. He says he's crushed by the whole situation and he realizes that he's not fulfilling my needs. He says he wants to, but he's afraid to be fake or lead me on. He mentioned how he pictures going to a cabin in the woods to be with nature and "think". Try to find himself. This kind of scared me, but I told him I was really disheartened that he felt he had lost himself and I would support him doing so. The next day he already has plans to go next weekend. I'm torn about this. I'm so afraid he's going to go think and then the 4 days away gives him the strength to come back and leave me. I feel like he'll be deciding if he wants to stay married or not. And I'm this pathetic mumbling suffocating wife. Ugh.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Although we have similar husband situations, we are not in the same place in terms of dealing with it. I read intense insecurity in your posts. Could it be insecurity is strangling to him rather than helpful to him... making him want/need to get away for that cabin trip? I think Crema.... was trying to suggest backing off and letting your husband breathe. Its hard for some of us women to get that concept. I spent the better part of 18 months digging in and getting dirty trying to fix my marriage... husband is now more repulsed (and then not) than ever. He is happiest when I leave him alone. He actually pinpoints his happiest time in our marriage the months I was having an affair! HE didnt know I was having one, but when he told me the time period... I was like great. 

Thinking about it, what was I doing differently with him that he was happy? I was ignoring him, not asking him for sex or affection or even having a desire to talk to him bc I was meeting those needs elsewhere. To me its sad that he wants a wife that leaves him alone only because that is not the kind of marriage I want to have. But the bottom line is, this information has taught me what I need to do in order for him to be happy/treat me like a human being of some sort. So, look at what you were doing when you were happy and he was happy. If you have made it 10 years and you only started fighting 4 weeks ago, thats pretty darn good! Something was working. 

If its the depression, you cant talk him out of being depressed. You probably need to give him the space to make the choice. If you are sad bc you dont have your old husband around, you need to deal with that loss. Also, maybe work out why you are scared about him going away. Dig a little deeper than "bc he might come back and want to divorce..." there is something going on inside you that makes you feel threatened about him going away for a few days.... him knowing you are feeling threatened over that may make him want to run away. That is like a kiss of death to a guy... bc all he sees is a big red flag of insecurity. Sorry to be blunt, but I have to speak my mind on this to possibly help you ease up. Its not easy, and it didnt make sense to me either until just recently...and I dont waant you to make similar mistakes.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

I'm pretty much in the same boat as you ! Mine has been going on for just about 10 weeks now. Difference is my H had an affair with his brothers wife. 

I think from all the talking he did with her about all the hurt that I have caused has him so set that we can never make it work. Even though I know we can if we try. We have been together for 24 years and we have never tried to fix our marriage we just went on. He says it is to late. I know it is not, but he allows his hurt and his anger to control his feelings. And therefor he feels the only way is to call it quits. I have been fighting for 10 weeks and don't know how much more I can fight. To be honest he is now starting to destroy me


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

LonelyNLost...i know that's the worst part ...to wait for them to decide your life....i'm also waiting for his decision ,he'll tell me on Wednesday...at least that is what he told me last...anything can change.
I'm trying,i have been trying for the last 2 months ,letters ,promises, explaining to him that things will be different ...so different that he wouldn't recognize me... we'll see what he says on Wednesday. 
So hard to sit and wait! I feel for you!


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

toolate said:


> Although we have similar husband situations, we are not in the same place in terms of dealing with it. I read intense insecurity in your posts. Could it be insecurity is strangling to him rather than helpful to him... making him want/need to get away for that cabin trip? I think Crema.... was trying to suggest backing off and letting your husband breathe. Its hard for some of us women to get that concept. I spent the better part of 18 months digging in and getting dirty trying to fix my marriage... husband is now more repulsed (and then not) than ever. He is happiest when I leave him alone. He actually pinpoints his happiest time in our marriage the months I was having an affair! HE didnt know I was having one, but when he told me the time period... I was like great.
> 
> Thinking about it, what was I doing differently with him that he was happy? I was ignoring him, not asking him for sex or affection or even having a desire to talk to him bc I was meeting those needs elsewhere. To me its sad that he wants a wife that leaves him alone only because that is not the kind of marriage I want to have. But the bottom line is, this information has taught me what I need to do in order for him to be happy/treat me like a human being of some sort. So, look at what you were doing when you were happy and he was happy. If you have made it 10 years and you only started fighting 4 weeks ago, thats pretty darn good! Something was working.
> 
> If its the depression, you cant talk him out of being depressed. You probably need to give him the space to make the choice. If you are sad bc you dont have your old husband around, you need to deal with that loss. Also, maybe work out why you are scared about him going away. Dig a little deeper than "bc he might come back and want to divorce..." there is something going on inside you that makes you feel threatened about him going away for a few days.... him knowing you are feeling threatened over that may make him want to run away. That is like a kiss of death to a guy... bc all he sees is a big red flag of insecurity. Sorry to be blunt, but I have to speak my mind on this to possibly help you ease up. Its not easy, and it didnt make sense to me either until just recently...and I dont waant you to make similar mistakes.


Yes, insecurity...you read that right. It's part of the fighting and issues. He had an EA 4 years ago that was just for fun, not an ILU type thing, but it destroyed me. We rebuilt and got to a good place, had our daughter 2 1/2 years ago, and then we were pretty good. About a year ago, we started to disconnect again, but I'm super sensitive to that because he had the EA because I got busy and didn't give him enough attention. He didn't feel wanted. I felt that happening again. I made the mistake of saying I thought we had fallen out of love. He took it to heart. 

The fighting that started in November, was due to me finding him at 2am in his truck talking to an ex gf that lives 2,000 miles away. But he lied about it. She was also posting all over his facebook and doing things that generally made me really uncomfortable. We fought constantly, it got bad. Then we had a heart to heart a week before Christmas. He came around and jumped in 100%. We got to a great place. He went away to visit friends (where that ex gf was) which caused huge insecurity on my part. We got into a small tiff while he was there (my insecurity) and we were fine. He got back and things got worse and then horrible. I was snooping and causing so much damage. He was lying about things to try to protect me. I was pushing him away and away more. I was trying to explain to him that I'd keep being insecure as long as he lied about crap. 

Well then I logged into his facebook and saw a post that the ex had done, one of those notes things. It asked where in the world you'd like to visit, and she replied with our small, middle of no where town. Tell me she doesn't have a thing for my husband?! I blew up, friend requested her to send the message that I was onto her. We fought so much about me snooping and not trusting him. The next night he wanted to separate and leave and stay with his parents. I lost it and he collapsed and fell asleep from all of it. We tried to move forward the next day. She did accept my friend request, but deleted that note first and also the status updates she put up the week he was gone. He is peeved that I friend requested her and says she barely talks to him, so if that's what I wanted to accomplish, it worked. I believe him that there's nothing more than friendship going on, but I really believe that she still has a thing for him. And she is going through her 2nd divorce right now, so it's all so textbook.

But I truly have come to a better place. I realize the things I've been doing to drive him away and how I have to just work on myself. I've tore him down and made him miserable. I just feel like now, I'm trying to be cool and let baby steps happen, but I only have a week to "convince" him to stay. I need help. 




Jaded Heart said:


> I'm pretty much in the same boat as you ! Mine has been going on for just about 10 weeks now. Difference is my H had an affair with his brothers wife.
> 
> I think from all the talking he did with her about all the hurt that I have caused has him so set that we can never make it work. Even though I know we can if we try. We have been together for 24 years and we have never tried to fix our marriage we just went on. He says it is to late. I know it is not, but he allows his hurt and his anger to control his feelings. And therefor he feels the only way is to call it quits. I have been fighting for 10 weeks and don't know how much more I can fight. To be honest he is now starting to destroy me



I think my H truly wants to save our marriage, he's just afraid (and he says being human in thinking) that things have been said that might be hard to recover from. He doubts that things can be the same. He said the same thing after the EA. But then he says in his not so bad moments that he feels like it's us, so it has to work. But he won't do marriage counseling. I think I read him some times and other times I'm clueless. It's so hard to do the 180, but I know it may be required here soon.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

To me, that card actually sounds like a very good thing. I would have taken what it said to mean that he wishes things were like they were before you got to where you are now, and if he wishes for that, then I would take that to mean that he is wanting to work things out. 

As for the uncertainty, I know how much it sucks to feel like you're in limbo waiting on him to make up his mind. But to ask him to commit to never leaving isn't really reasonable, given that your relationship is in trouble. I think the realistic (and probably best shot at saving the relationship) way to go is to confront honestly the fact that you guys are having problems, and ask him to commit to trying everything possible to work it out: counseling, whatever. I think the way I would phrase it would be: 

"Look, you know I love you. But I can't force you to stay. All I can do is remind you we've had X years together that were really good. I know we're having problems right now, but I don't think we should throw away the X good years for the X weeks/months/years that we've been having problems. I think we need to try everything we possibly can in order to solve this and get our relationship back on track. Can you commit to doing that?"

That's what I would do.


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## Ooogles (Feb 19, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> I was determined to play the role of the loving, doting wife and try to help my husband come out of this depression. I hate the uncertainty, not knowing if he's going to work towards improving our marriage or give up. I'm trying to lay off all the deep discussions and focus on trying to have fun and keep the peace. I don't blame him for feeling like the other shoe is going to drop at any minute. I don't blame him for having doubts about our future, and thinking that if we work towards making it better like we did 2 months ago, that everything will crash and fail again like it did a month ago. But I just want to know and feel that he's in this for the long haul. But he can't give me that.
> 
> I feel like a starving animal, being thrown breadcrumbs. I lost it and yelled at him last week and made things worse. He says he loves me and cares about me and is doing the routine things (kiss goodbye, kiss goodnight, hugs hello, texting me back have a good day ILU, etc.) but he's not calling my baby or my nickname, no sweet comments, just a lump. I am trying so hard to get him to come around, though I know it's not been enough time. I just feel like he's in this awful place (which he's admitted he's depressed as hell and unsure) where he doesn't know if he wants to stay married to me or not. He said a week ago he knows what he wants, he just knows it's impossible (for us to be happy and all the tension to be gone). He feels like he doesn't know how we'll recover from all the hurt and pain.
> 
> And his V-day card was the kicker. It wasn't even a V-day card. It was like a troubled relationship card talking about how if he could go back in time before all the hurt, he would hold me longer, kiss me longer, and appreciate it more.  I lost it. I'm hanging by a thread, needing so much to feel his love, but I know my expectations and needs have to be put on the backburner for now and I need to take care of myself. But he's my world. I am focusing on my kids, but I'm losing this battle with myself. I need my husband.


Yeah, yours sounds like my husband. Wants to go back to when we were 19 years old. Is having a mid-life crisis. Doesn't give a rat's A.SS that you feel abandoned. When you said you feel like a starving animal, being thrown breadcrumbs, I laughed out loud. Not because it was funny but because I totally identify with you. Hugs


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> To me, that card actually sounds like a very good thing. I would have taken what it said to mean that he wishes things were like they were before you got to where you are now, and if he wishes for that, then I would take that to mean that he is wanting to work things out.
> 
> As for the uncertainty, I know how much it sucks to feel like you're in limbo waiting on him to make up his mind. But to ask him to commit to never leaving isn't really reasonable, given that your relationship is in trouble. I think the realistic (and probably best shot at saving the relationship) way to go is to confront honestly the fact that you guys are having problems, and ask him to commit to trying everything possible to work it out: counseling, whatever. I think the way I would phrase it would be:
> 
> ...


Well, before the last blowup, he was wanting to try, just that he couldn't actually say those words. He's such a pessimist at heart. He was making baby steps but didn't let me know that. I was supposed to be psychic, you know? :scratchhead: But this last tiff has sent him over the edge. I can't ask him to commit to trying. That was the problem with the letter I wrote him about feeling like I was just floating and I needed to know where we were headed. I needed to feel like he was on board. Then I made the mistake of pushing him to respond so he got upset with me. I did write him another letter where I apologize for all my wrongs and tell him that I'm working on myself and just loving him and accepting him and supporting him. I ended it with the message that I know we're in a bad place, but that I'm going to try my best to turn things around, and if he'll join me than I can promise that this will be the lowest point in our marriage. He hasn't read that letter, but my guess is that he'll read it before or on his little mancation. Meanwhile, I'm trying to just act semi normal and keep busy. No fighting for a week, with 3-4 nights of civil conversation about relationship stuff is a positive. Hope he sees it that way. We also talked online (good for us, in separate rooms, to air feelings out and have that filter before we press enter) from midnight until 5am last weekend. I felt good about it, but he didn't feel much more hopeful. The thing that crushes me is when he says, "I have virtually no faith right now".


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