# Reeling from the scope of his betrayal



## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Some of you may know some of my story, but I have not posted in this area before. I think I need to now.

I was married for 20 years. Things have not been great for some time, but not quite a year ago he told me he didn't think we would make it. After Christmas, we started talking seriously about divorce. Waited til the kids graduated, etc. then told them. Got youngest settled into freshman year of college, and we both moved out a couple of weeks ago. 

I knew of an affair 7 years into our marriage. I felt he truly was sorry. He answered all my questions, etc. We seemed to work through it. Life went on.

I have suspected other things over the years, but have had no proof, and of course he has always said no. Even through the course of the past few years, he has maintained that another woman has not been the cause of our marriage to fail. (Please note the semantics there.)

Two days before I moved out, I learned that there is indeed someone else. I confronted him with proof he could not deny. When pressed, I also learned that he had sex with another woman just prior to the one I had known about. 

The kicker to the current woman is that she has been a part of his life for a long time. I am certain he was sleeping with her at least five years ago. 

I am in therapy, but the waves of anger are nearly too much some days. I LOVED him. Even when things were bad, I defended him as a great guy. We were a good family. We were amazing parents together. I even felt sorry for him when we would talk about the future as a divorced family, and he would be worried about having strong relationships with our kids (one his, one ours). 

I wanted more babies. The time was never right. Oh wait, now I know the time wasn't right because he had SOMEONE ELSE. He stole things from me that I can never, ever have back, and I am so angry. 

I am strong enough to know that I will be fine. I will trust someone again...someday. I will have a man I deserve. Someday. 

But I just need some advice about getting through this part. I'm a really kind and fiercely loyal person, and I don't like these dark feelings. I have always maintained that hate is a very strong word; one I don't use. But I think that's what I'm feeling right now. 

I'll take any advice I can get. This is really horrible.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

i'm sorry. All I can offer is that there are some questions you'll never have the answer to, and his behavior is a reflection of his demons. In addition, you know what a poor quality man his sk!nk is getting, so pity her.
Keep your head up and take care of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Yikes! Your story sounds quite a bit like mine in some respects. The thing is venting that anger because it is real and can't be redirected nor swept away. I was fortunate enough to be able to vent it on my WS - I consider that appropriate - regardless of whether it impacted or not. Exposure helped a lot too. The dark feelings etc, just gotta go through them until you come out on the other end of greater light than you've ever known. I can't take back the years nor the losses, just have to grieve those for as long as you need until one day you let it all go. Just know the day will come when you can let it go. Give yourself time, be patient with yourself, get some spa treatments, massages, preserve your health as much as you can, exercise, hydrate, change your style and image and just be the best you you were created to be.. because ...Success is the very best revenge...Overcoming this and being more shiny is a victory that will not go unnoticed.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's okay to feel like you hate him for awhile but don't let it consume you. It's hard to believe the person we thought we knew, the person we trusted, could do that. Could destroy a family. I know that feeling well. After my ex-husband blew up our 45 year marriage, I wasn't sure I would get through it. But I did and I'm happy now. You will be too. In the meantime, while you are wading through the difficult times, tell yourself it's okay to feel sad and to cry and to angry. Because all of that has to be worked through. Over and over. And it isn't easy. But it can be done. Life on the other side is great!!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

TooNice said:


> I wanted more babies. The time was never right. Oh wait, now I know the time wasn't right because he had SOMEONE ELSE. He stole things from me that I can never, ever have back, and I am so angry.


Wow. That was hard to read. To say that you're justified in your anger would be a huge understatement.

Regardless, I hope that you can find some peace.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TooNice, your husband had grace, ethics, love and beauty in his life. Well, until he divorced you, now he has none of those things. Absolutely none at all.

But you? You still have them in abundance!:smthumbup:


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

You loved a man who betrayed you and the love you had for him. 

All you feelings are true and legitimate. But time will subside your anger, fortunately. And I believe that you shall find a better love than he ever was. 

Do not close yourself off.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

No more babies? Your age? Yes I'm direct... Or rude depending on your perspective.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

you can let this eat you alive and obsess over it. OR you can say life is an adventure and I'm going for a ride. Good bad or indifferent . Strap your a$$ in and hang on its going to be a good one!~


good luck.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Thanks to all of you for the support and advice. I'm glad I finally posted here. Life is just such a roller coaster of emotions the past few weeks-and they are all strong and full emotions, to boot. Reading what you've all said had helped. 

And WL-to answer your question...that's the point. 10 years ago I could have found someone else to have babies with if he knew it wouldn't be him. That's one of the things he took from me. His selfishness reaches places he will never fathom.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

TooNice said:


> Thanks to all of you for the support and advice. I'm glad I finally posted here. Life is just such a roller coaster of emotions the past few weeks-and they are all strong and full emotions, to boot. Reading what you've all said had helped.
> 
> And WL-to answer your question...that's the point. *10 years ago I could have found someone else to have babies with if he knew it wouldn't be him. That's one of the things he took from me.* His selfishness reaches places he will never fathom.


Reading that both saddens and enrages me... and sort of triggers me as well. 

Please go see a sibling, cousin, friend, neighbor, co-worker, etc... someone w/ whom you can exchange a warm, friendly hug, and then have a good talk over a hot cup of coffee.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Discuss with your doctor if some temporary anti anxiety medication would be appropriate. 

Yep, he deprived you of some of lifes opportunities and joys. I know that feeling. Hope you can work through it.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Hope you at least had one child. Hate to think you never had any that you desired.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Please know that the baby issue is simply one of many things that has popped into my head. I was just thinking about timing today and that one really stood out to me. Today. 

He knew how much I loved being pregnant, how much I loved being a mother, and how badly I always wanted to do it again. He knew before it was too late for me. And choose not to let me go. 

He thought it was better to pretend we were a family, to let me think that we would instead settle into US after the kids were gone. For years.

Instead, the kids are gone, he's got his woman who has been willing to date a married man this whole time, and I am alone for the first time in my life and starting from scratch. 

Again, I'll be fine. I'm strong and surrounded by support. I'm just really ticked off every other day or so. I know I'll be better off. I just needed to turn to people who understand. I've encountered some great folks on TAM, but for some reason I never thought to come in here. I am glad I finally did. 

Thanks.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

If you can try, when you are ready, it is not unrealistic to flip the script on some of the messages we tend to tell ourselves in reference to losses. In that sense, you didn't propagate his species more than you were destined to. You didn't multipy his DNA. If you love babies, maybe consider adopting one or being the friend of a family in need, who has one. I once loved my X2B too, but I couldn't spend the rest of my life living a lie.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

TooNice said:


> Some of you may know some of my story, but I have not posted in this area before. I think I need to now.
> 
> I was married for 20 years. Things have not been great for some time, but not quite a year ago he told me he didn't think we would make it. After Christmas, we started talking seriously about divorce. Waited til the kids graduated, etc. then told them. Got youngest settled into freshman year of college, and we both moved out a couple of weeks ago.
> 
> ...



You deserve a good man. Your husband sounds like a serial cheater. Move on and God's speed


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Just curious... are you physically incapable of becoming pregnant and/or carrying another child to term at this point? Or are you concerned about the time it would take to meet someone new, along w/ developing the type of relationship into which you'd be comfortable bringing another child? Or are your concerns more financial in nature? Two or more of the above?

Please know that I don't intend for any of that to sound harsh or insensitive.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Just curious... are you physically incapable of becoming pregnant and/or carrying another child to term at this point? Or are you concerned about the time it would take to meet someone new, along w/ developing the type of relationship into which you'd be comfortable bringing another child? Or are your concerns more financial in nature? Two or more of the above?
> 
> Please know that I don't intend for any of that to sound harsh or insensitive.


You don't sound harsh or insensitive at all. I'm nearly 43. While not impossible, it's certainly improbable now. My youngest is 18... That's quite a gap.

I just know he will never realize how much he has hurt me. It's just not fair on so many levels.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

TooNice said:


> You don't sound harsh or insensitive at all. I'm nearly 43. While not impossible, it's certainly improbable now. My youngest is 18... That's quite a gap.
> 
> I just know he will never realize how much he has hurt me. It's just not fair on so many levels.


My wife's youngest brother was a month old when she and I started dating. I was a couple of months past my 18th birthday at the time, and she was just a few months shy of 18 herself. Of course her mother was only 35 at the time...

But yeah, it's not impossible. I'd list off all the scenarios, but I'm pretty sure that you've probably spent quite a bit of time contemplating each and every one of them already.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

_I am strong enough to know that I will be fine. I will trust someone again...someday. I will have a man I deserve. Someday_. 

I'm sorry that you're here and yes you will have these things.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Re: Reeling from the scope of his betrayal*



TooNice said:


> And WL-to answer your question...that's the point. 10 years ago I could have found someone else to have babies with if he knew it wouldn't be him. That's one of the things he took from me. His selfishness reaches places he will never fathom.


My ex H took the same from me with his selfishness. Different reasons, however. I am now on the verge of hitting the wall and thinking of going to an IVF clinic because I can't wait 2 years to know a man who might leave me high and dry anyway. It sucks to think this way. Yet, I'm still dating and hoping...


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Honey you are not too old. I had my second child at 42 and she's beautiful! So what if I'm one of the older parents at the PTO, I just don't give a rat's arse!

Of course you feel angry and cheated, because you are. Feel it. Identify it. Recognize which part of the anger is directed at him, and which part is directed at yourself. I'm not beating you up here, really I'm not. I have been in your situation and ended a 28 year marriage to a sick, serial cheater, although ours ended before the kids were out of school. Are you angry because you knew he had cheated in the past and didn't put up appropriate boundaries in the relationship? I can tell you I trusted my spouse, but I there was no accountability, and no verification. He said I'm sorry and I believed him at face value. Dumb-and that was on me. 

So after the initial sting of all this had started to ease, try to learn from it. You will be stronger.

In the meantime, hit something with a hammer-its very therapeutic.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

My mum had her last baby at 46 (24 year age gap).
Just saying it's not impossible, I don't think my mum though she would be remarried with 2 more kids after my dads death.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I'm so so sorry. I read your post and I just winced. I completely understand how you feel in that you won't get certain things back ever! He doesn't think about that I'm sure, nor would he even care. 

It just boggles my mind how people can do this. There is absolutely nothing that would make me want to hurt someone like that. 

I can't offer any advice, but you sound so strong considering what's gone on. I really hope that you can move on from this eventually. It's so hard to try and trust someone again. I really do hope you can one day.


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

TooNice said:


> Thanks to all of you for the support and advice. I'm glad I finally posted here. Life is just such a roller coaster of emotions the past few weeks-and they are all strong and full emotions, to boot. Reading what you've all said had helped.
> 
> And WL-to answer your question...that's the point. 10 years ago I could have found someone else to have babies with if he knew it wouldn't be him. That's one of the things he took from me. His selfishness reaches places he will never fathom.


If 10 years ago you could still have children then you are still young enough to meet somebody and have a great future. Don't fall for the idea that you are too old, that is total baloney. There is somebody out there waiting for you right now. Get out there and find him.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Thanks again, to all of you. 

Again, the baby thing is just one part of what I'm angry about. I've felt so many things for years, and now I know why. Loneliness, unwanted, unappreciated, dismissed. Those feelings that I thought were me being overly sensitive are all justified now. 

But I didn't have to feel them. He could have told me about her and let me go. That would have been the unselfish thing for him to have done, though. Clearly not a road he knows how to follow.


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

TooNice said:


> Thanks again, to all of you.
> 
> Again, the baby thing is just one part of what I'm angry about. I've felt so many things for years, and now I know why. Loneliness, unwanted, unappreciated, dismissed. Those feelings that I thought were me being overly sensitive are all justified now.
> 
> But I didn't have to feel them. He could have told me about her and let me go. That would have been the unselfish thing for him to have done, though. Clearly not a road he knows how to follow.


He is selfish, I wonder if he sees any of that part of that.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Working1 said:


> He is selfish, I wonder if he sees any of that part of that.


Wouldn't that be nice.
I know everyone is different so all I can say is what I've experienced and that is that my ex remains a selfish, resentful serial cheater. He has a sense of entitlement that controls every action he takes and if others are hurt, including his children and siblings, he considers it their problem. This was not a philosophy we followed when we were married. While we were together it was always "you do for family" and I still raise the kids to believe that.
Sometimes I ponder whether our marriage was a lie, or his brain changed so much that were I to meet him today for the first time I would choose not to have him in my life.

But then I have another cup of coffee and move on. Enough of him.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

TN, 

Been there, done that..

I wish I could tell you some sort of mantra that would make you feel better, but there isn't.. Unfortunately there is no potion or spell that will make this easier for you..

I recall times just screaming at the top of my lungs in my car on the way home on the highway because I needed to get it all out before I got him to my kids.. 

I would sit in my car for 30 minutes sometimes in the driveway of my home just to figure out how to compose myself for my kids..

You want to fix this so bad and all they want to do is destroy this. 

What I can tell you is only *TIME* and therapy will give you the tools to help you cope with this.. But it does get better.. It really, really does.. But you need to allow for that time to pass by to get there. Trust me there was a point in my life where I had a real hard time waiting for things to get better.. I fought off the thoughts of suicide and waiting at the same time. 

The one simple thing I had some solace in was that I noticed that rich and in some instances better looking men than myself were running into this issue. Like cancer, divorce does not discriminate. My simple thought was if it can happen to this guy and he doesn't even have to work for a living, then it can happen to anyone.

But it gets better. 

What is on the other side ?.. If and when you are ready, there will be people like you and me who just want to be happy with someone. You will find someone better looking than your Ex and more established in many ways than your Ex.. Then and only then, will you be wondering why you were going so nuts over this. 

But again you need to wait to get to that point. I almost feel that everyone should go through something like this because it makes you grow up in ways you would never have been otherwise.. It strips away a lot of the no nonsense from future relationships.

I think the new person ends up getting a better you in many ways.. Granted you come out of this a bit shell shocked and a bit upfront and crass sometimes, but over all I think the new you is much better. Eventually you will cool your jets with some of the trust issue stuff.

But again, hopefully you have learned something from my lesson.. 

The one thing you need is ??? 

TIME.... 

I know it sucks.. 

Just keep coming here on this thread and just keep venting.. I'm divorced and I still come here to post. I do jump on life after divorce sometimes, but mainly I am here just posting in my own thread. I intend to copy down my thread one day and have it for my kids to read when they are old enough. To understand the range of emotions a person goes through.. So they can see also they saved my life.. So they know the hurt they can cause someone and never to end a relationship this way..


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

OP,

I understand how only how well you feel. I was with my hub almost 30 yrs and feel my whole life changed.

"The fierce and loyal" is an understatement... 

~sammy


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Hardtohandle said:


> TN,
> 
> Been there, done that..
> 
> ...



I need to believe your words... sometimes it's all just so hard when everyone around you just lets you down... 

~sammy


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

TooNice said:


> Thanks again, to all of you.
> 
> Again, the baby thing is just one part of what I'm angry about. I've felt so many things for years, and now I know why. Loneliness, unwanted, unappreciated, dismissed. Those feelings that I thought were me being overly sensitive are all justified now.
> 
> But I didn't have to feel them. He could have told me about her and let me go. That would have been the unselfish thing for him to have done, though. Clearly not a road he knows how to follow.


TN,

The feelings you express above are truly universal to the BS.

How many of us asked upon knowing the truth... "Why not just divorce me if things were so bad you felt the need to cheat?". What you (me) got was years stolen from your life by the very person that vowed to protect and honor.

Your statement about justification really rings home for me. I thought I was going crazy before DD. I could never please, satisfy, do enough for her. Nothing ever made sense. In 15 seconds upon knowing the truth, my world became crystal clear. You now have that Clarity.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

TooNice

I am glad you came hear to vent your anger.

Use that anger, turn it into energy. Do something constructive with it so that you can move forward.

To be happy again.

Is your Ex an ass? Sure he is. Was he selfish? Sure he was.

But you know what? Be grateful for the gifts he did give you. Your kids.

I always say revenge is living your life to the fullest without that selfish spouse getting any benefits of the newer, better you.

So take the time to get your head together. Get out there when you are ready and socialize. Meet someone great.

And fall in love again.

You deserve it.

HM

PS
The day he dies go piss on his grave. You will feel better. I assure you.


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