# Detrimental effects



## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

As I sit here consumed by how I'm going to tell my husband that I'm unhappy with our sex life, I once again feel that pain in my stomach and chest. It's amazing to me, the more I think about it, how much my sexless marriage has affected me physically, mentally and emotionally. 

When I think about asking my husband for sex, my chest tightens and it takes everything in me just to breathe deeply. It feels like weight on my chest. My stomach...burns. I think it feels like ulcers but I don't know. I get that weak feeling in the pit of my torso...maybe like I have to go to the bathroom. I just feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

I used to be a somewhat positive person. I'm having a hard time seeing the light at the end of this tunnel. I can't watch loves scenes in movies or tv shows - I feel too awkward, like I did as a teenager when a tampon commercial would come on tv and you're sitting in the room with your brother and his friends. You know what I mean? I feel embarrassed. I had a certain joie de vive that that is no longer existent. I am not the same person.

I have become a short tempered,hot headed, beyotch for lack of a better word. I find I'm irritated by things that I normally would take in stride. I find that when people act stupid, my reaction is unreasonable. I have no patience anymore. I have become not a very nice person. This makes my stomach ache. I will lie to avoid confrontation. For instance my husband will ask me what's wrong and I'll say something like my back is really bothering me instead of I'm sexually frustrated.

I wonder how much or if living in a sexless marriage has prolonged my severe chronic pain. Is it possible that normal human interaction could have allowed me years and years ago, to suffer less? And why did I allow this man that I'm in love with to continue to reject me year after year after year? Instead of nipping this problem of denying sex in the bud, I internalized it and now I'm paying for it. This is my fault...not my no drive low drive husband. He doesn't even know there is a problem.

I have learned how to be manipulative in order to protect myself. I want to give my husband a video to watch about sexless marriages but I need to warm him up to it first. So this morning I started watching different ted talks because I knew he would ask what I was doing. See now in few days I can say hey I saw this video and would you mind giving it a listen?

The idea of spending the remainder of my married life as I have spent the last 14 years makes me nauseous. I can feel the crocodile tears welling up as I think of repeatedly asking for physical intimacy and repeatedly being told no with the occasional yes. And there's that weighty feeling in my chest again. I feel like such a bad person even though I know I'm not.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Tango said:


> As I sit here consumed by how I'm going to tell my husband that I'm unhappy with our sex life, I once again feel that pain in my stomach and chest. It's amazing to me, the more I think about it, how much my sexless marriage has affected me physically, mentally and emotionally.
> 
> When I think about asking my husband for sex, my chest tightens and it takes everything in me just to breathe deeply. It feels like weight on my chest. My stomach...burns. I think it feels like ulcers but I don't know. I get that weak feeling in the pit of my torso...maybe like I have to go to the bathroom. I just feel uncomfortable in my own skin.
> 
> ...


Without knowing the dynamics between the two of you better I could be wrong, but I don't see the point of "warming him up to it" (the conversation). I think it is more effective to just drop the bomb. I've tried what you're trying before, and it's been my experience that a weak presentation leads to a weak reaction. Asking him to watch a TED is great, but only if he understands that it's YOUR LIFE you're concerned about. Otherwise he could watch the video and not make the connection between IT and YOU. Sounds silly, but that's exactly how my wife would react under the same circumstances.

You need to sit him down and clearly (not angrily) tell him how unhappy you are and exactly why, then let the chips fall where they may.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I can see that you are feeling a tremendous amount of pain and I'm so sorry for you.

Feeling rejected will do that to a person. Feeling unworthy will kill you. Why do you feel unworthy of his love, his desire and his sexual attention? Why do you back away from conversations that, yes will be difficult, but ultimately the only way to get what you want? Why do you feel like what you want in your marriage isn't as important, more important even, than the moments of discomfort a difficult conversation can bring?

I don't have to know any more about you other than to read what you just wrote to know that you are more than worthy of feeling as loved and desired as you wish.

Stop backing away from difficult conversations. Stop lying to him about what is wrong. Face the truth and communicate that truth to your husband. "When you refuse to make love to me time and time again I feel unloved and unworthy and I can't do this for much longer."


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

Be bold in love, so he doesn't miss it.

Good luck
-seahorse


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## HDsocal (Nov 19, 2010)

the physical effects of the metal frustration are real to me too. I can relate and not in a good way. I had to change certain things, resign myself to an unfortunate reality to avoid what I was certain was causing me real physical harm.

When my wife makes a comment about 'you need to take care of yourself' I don't think she understands the physical toll the lack of intimacy takes on me.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

If you are going to 'ease into it' I'd also work on fix yourself first. You called yourself a 'beyotch' and while it seems like your husband has little sexual interest anyway, I highly doubt the way you are acting is helping matters.

Turn yourself back into the person you were and from the sounds of it the person you want to be. Correct yourself, if for no other reason than for yourself. Make it so that if you ever do decide to leave, you leave as a complete person and full of confidence, not the emotional wreck you sound like you are today. 

All the best to you are your husband and God bless.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

I feel unworthy because I have allowed this to get out of control instead of speaking up the first time he ever said no. Snowballs are huge now. I feel unworthy because no matter what I do I don't seem to be able to get his attention anymore. I feel unworthy because the more I try the less I get. I keep backing away from the conversation because I've brought this up in the past. I have so much frustration and anger that I don't know that I can be civil about it.Maybe I really don't want to know that he doesn't want me anymore. I come so close to saying something then my throat closes up on me. I need to overcome the fear because the fear is truly overcoming me.

I know I have to change my attitude for me. I have to focus my energy on the positive things I have going on like losing weight. He leaves in a few days for a couple of weeks, so I can breathe again.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I agree rejection does hurt, both mentally and physically. 

Last night I heard my husband getting ready for bed at 8:30 so I shut down my electronics and went upstairs into our bedroom and he gave me a look land said "What are you doing here"? I said I thought we would cuddle while you are watching the hockey game. He said I had planned to just go to sleep. I said it's only 8:30 on a Saturday night you would rather sleep than cuddle with me? He said What can I say I'm boring" I proceeded to get into my pajamas and get into bed and when he got into bed we did cuddle until he fell asleep. When he says things like that it doesn't make me feel wanted. 

I don't let these feeling carry into my day, when we got up this morning we kissed each other, he wished me a Happy Mothers Day and we got ready for the day. I put on a smiley face. I don't want him to see me upset because he will ask what is wrong and since he doesn't want to talk about what goes on in the bedroom I have to lie and say nothing, so it's better to fake it. I try to focus on the positive things about him and our marriage.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Tango said:


> I feel unworthy because I have allowed this to get out of control instead of speaking up the first time he ever said no. Snowballs are huge now. I feel unworthy because no matter what I do I don't seem to be able to get his attention anymore. I feel unworthy because the more I try the less I get. I keep backing away from the conversation because I've brought this up in the past. I have so much frustration and anger that I don't know that I can be civil about it.Maybe I really don't want to know that he doesn't want me anymore. I come so close to saying something then my throat closes up on me. I need to overcome the fear because the fear is truly overcoming me.


I could have said this word for word.

My fiancée used to be all over me. I mean ALL over me. For a few years anyway. Now it's gone down to sex once a week, at times less. When we do have sex it is one of two positions (her on top or me on top) and it lasts just a few minutes. Maybe a few times a year doggie style gets tossed in, but gone are the days of lingerie, sexy outfits, blow jobs, or generally any strong desire for me. At least that's how I feel. I think she loves me and I don't think she dreads having sex with me either, I think she's fine having sex with me, but I don't think she really WANTS it. She has so few desires sexually that she's told me about over the years that I can count them on one hand and have several fingers left over. I think she puts as much thought into our sex life as she does into the laundry. Actually, I bet the laundry gets a lot more thought.

Yet I don't talk about it much anymore. I have talked about it several times, and each time it seems like things get worse, not better. Maybe they get better in the short term, but after a few weeks or a month or so, it goes back to what it was before. I remember the days when I was turning down blow jobs because I wanted to have vaginal sex because she was giving me so many blow jobs (I prefer vaginal sex, blow jobs are something I like to get maybe once a month or so). Now I won't even ask for a blow job because she just laughs. I'm sure if I made a serious complaint, I'd get a blow job, but what's the fun in getting a blow job you have to complain about to get?

So instead I snowball just like you. Instead of talking about it, I just ignore it. I get that same apprehension you do. Should I ask now? I better ask in the next 20 minutes because her show will be coming on. I'll wait until after this commercial. Oh, she flipped the channel so I'll wait a few minutes. 15 minutes now, now 10 minutes, oh crap it's to late now. 

Eventually you grow frustrated at yourself, mad you've let it get to this point and mad you feel like you can't talk about it. Over time it boils over as frustration, yet you don't talk about the source of the problem because you've done so before with little results and because you know your partner is going to look at you like an alien for acting like an ass or a 'beyotch' over sex.

That's because sex to them matters as much as trigonometry, so they don't see the value in it that you do. No words in the world will get that message across.

What gets the message across is having a partner that has the mindset that if something matters to you, it should matter to them. For some reason though, when it comes to sex our society has built up this belief that sex shouldn't matter that much. Being equal in parenting, money, workloads, etc. is hugely important to society, but if you don't have equal sex drives (or close to it), to bad. Ask anyone who has divorced over sex about the looks they get when they tell people that. Few understand, never mind take that as a valid reason. The lone exception is if you divorced over your partner cheating on you. It's ok if you refused having sex with your partner, but if they cheat on you, they are scum for doing so. Apparently society holds a sexless marriage above an affair.

Not that I'm condoning an affair of course, but it goes to show that those who are sexually frustrated are in some cases better of just shutting up and taking what they can unless they are prepared to leave. If you are like me, in a relationship where outside of the bedroom you are for the most part happy, then it is a difficult position. You don't even feel like society would validate your decision, if you wanted to separate.

That's why I'd like to see you get yourself fixed Tango. This problem won't change, you've said your piece so only a shock will solve it, such as an affair or separating or divorce. Unless you wish to go down those roads (and obviously I don't condone having an affair) you are best to focus on you and making you happy. Get yourself to that point and you may find you have the strength to leave and look for someone else who will meet your needs in all areas in life and all rooms in the house.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

You should not feel unworthy and unwanted just because he doesn't want to roll in bed with you. I know it's easier said than fine but there's far more to a persons worth than how many times they do it.

Do a relationship inventory and see what you put in and get out of the marriage. That's the fastest way to decide what you need to do.

If you feel upset or what else you simply play into his hand.


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## ifweonly (Feb 27, 2014)

Tango, I feel your pain and I am so sorry that your husband's attitude has impacted your own view of yourself.

You are not responsible for this situation but you have to try to regain your own self worth. This may require professional help at this point considering how long your husband has been driving you to this point.

If only for your own good, you may need to move beyond your marriage. I know this is very difficult but the healing process that you need to go through may depend upon it.

I am not a professional skilled in this area but this laymen's opinion is illustrated in the foregoing. Please for your own well being, put your personal health at the top of your own "To Do" list. God Bless you!


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

I can really relate to this.....wish I had some good advise, but I don't


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Tango said:


> As I sit here consumed by how I'm going to tell my husband that I'm unhappy with our sex life, I once again feel that pain in my stomach and chest. It's amazing to me, the more I think about it, how much my sexless marriage has affected me physically, mentally and emotionally.
> 
> When I think about asking my husband for sex, my chest tightens and it takes everything in me just to breathe deeply. It feels like weight on my chest. My stomach...burns. I think it feels like ulcers but I don't know. I get that weak feeling in the pit of my torso...maybe like I have to go to the bathroom. I just feel uncomfortable in my own skin.
> 
> ...


Oh honey. I could have written this post myself.  

I'm crying now.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Kingsfan, so why is she still your fiancée? Do you think this is going to get better AFTER you're married?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Tango said:


> As I sit here consumed by how I'm going to tell my husband that I'm unhappy with our sex life, I once again feel that pain in my stomach and chest. It's amazing to me, the more I think about it, how much my sexless marriage has affected me physically, mentally and emotionally.
> 
> When I think about asking my husband for sex, my chest tightens and it takes everything in me just to breathe deeply. It feels like weight on my chest. My stomach...burns. I think it feels like ulcers but I don't know. I get that weak feeling in the pit of my torso...maybe like I have to go to the bathroom. I just feel uncomfortable in my own skin.
> 
> ...


What you say is how I feel. Same feelings in my stomach and chest. When I reach over for some affection knowing that I have to because she will never reach over to me. Also knowing that she will most likely reject me. It really is HELL.

My wife talks about eating healthy and exercising so that she can live longer. I really don't want to live any longer and it is because of the frustration I feel daily. It is a very sad existence, yet I continue to live it, even though I have a choice.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

PBear said:


> Kingsfan, so why is she still your fiancée? Do you think this is going to get better AFTER you're married?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He's been asked that for a very long time. Bottom line is, he knows how she is so if he marries her and ends up sexless he has to shoulder that blame. He's asking for it.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I understand completely how you feel, OP. However, I don't understand why you haven't spoken with your husband about these issues and suggested MC.

I was in a sexless marriage for 6 years and, by the time I divorced my ex, I was agoraphobic, OCD and severely depressed. Strangely enough, all those 'symptoms' disappeared once I left the marriage...

IMO, a sexless marriage is no marriage at all and I would rather be single than feel constantly rejected sexually.

If you don't feel that you can talk to your H, OP, I would set up an appointment for IC.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

I was at your point about a year ago with my wife. And I decided that I was not willing to put up with decreasing sex as I grow old. For all the reasons you find here, I was unwilling to get any sex on the outside. So I just sat her down and said "hey how do u think the marriage is going"...and listened for a while, then said something like "I think we have a good marriage, but with a little work we can have a great marriage". And after a few weeks of further "talks", we found our self on the path of improvement.

Sex now...is a lot better. At least 3 times a week PIV and other days there is a lot of rubbing/massaging/warm sudsy showers.

It was NOT a straight line. She resisted, in spurts, like trying to herd cats. Turns out she had some body image issues, and did not see herself as sexy anymore. That was the one biggest piece of the puzzle...buying her sexy lingerie, encouraging her to wear sexy clothes around the house, convincing her I truly lusted after her body. After that hurdle, well I still do get the occasional "you are touching me all the time", but then in an hour or so she realizes what she said, and often initiates something sexy.

Also she revealed that at the nadir of our sex, I was being a bit of an ahole...so had to work on that....no bad remarks, no sarcasm, trying hard to do things she views as "romantic"

So first, don't give up. Second, don't expect instant results--mine took over a year. 

Maybe for working on a guy, get him some new sexy duds! Something straight out of GQ. Get him some cologne you like. Sexy underwear (ditch those tighty whities). Touch him a lot during the day. Send him sexy texts. Send sexy youtube music videos. Dirty jokes. Once you have the mind thinking sexy stuff, the body will follow.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Murphy...I love your post...but the last sentence isn't the right way to handle this. The rest was great!


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

So sorry to hear this, I think I am the 3rd person that would say "I could have written that post word for word". 

Therefore, I suck at giving advice regarding this. I was also plainly rejected last night, but I had never gotten this "bad", I could not sleep. Had to take a low-dose Ativan. 

Lots of people mention you have to find yourself and love yourself, and that's absolutely true. But sometimes I just wonder--I went thru those stages and now I have very good self confidence, am in good shape, but still sexually frustrated. That's just emptiness even with a busy, fulfilled life you still can't replace .

Perhaps MC can shed some lights. Wish you (and the other couple of us) luck.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

Murphy your story is encouraging but....I brought this issue up well over a year ago more than once. Over the last two years I have managed to lose and keep off about 25 lbs, and if you knew how bad of a back I have you would know,that that is an accomplishment. I have started wearing tighter jeans, lower t-shirts, sexier nighties, dyed my hair, shaved almost everything. It's been 38 days since we've had sex and he's leaving in two days for 2 weeks. So 40 + 14=54 and when he gets home all I hear are the pre-emptive strikes so who knows. I know one thing for certain...I have a letter in an envelope...whenever the next time is that I try to be intimate with him and he says whatever to turn me down...I'm going to calmly get out of bed ( cause that's the only place it'll happen) put the letter on his desk and walk out the door. I have convinced myself I can and will do it. 
I used to always rub his back or his bum foot...I make him ask,now. I just don't know what I have left in me to give. I'm feeling a little selfish I guess and I'm tired of giving, and not getting anything back. I read somewhere that give what I want to get what I want. That is horse crap. I would give just about anything for him to go down on me but that ain't gonna happen unless I ask and I'm in no mood to be asking and being told no. And I shouldn't have to ask. Just like kissing - peck hello,peck goodnight, peck goodbye. Again I shouldn't have to ask to be passionately kissed. I can already feel myself turning red...I am so embarrassed that I need sex. FML.

I breaks my heart yet comforts me to know that there are others suffering just as much if not more than me. I wish I could give everyone a big hug and make all better.

I had something of an epiphany last night...this morning when I left for my workout I decided that I wasn't going to sit around feeling sorry for myself. As much as my innards still ache, my mind is more focused today, and I am on a mission. 

Thank you so much for all your kind words. It's nice?? To be able to have somewhere to vent this stuff. Too bad I haven't been able to talk to my h about this, but the time is coming.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

PBear said:


> Kingsfan, so why is she still your fiancée? Do you think this is going to get better AFTER you're married?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not in the least.



WorkingOnMe said:


> He's been asked that for a very long time. Bottom line is, he knows how she is so if he marries her and ends up sexless he has to shoulder that blame. He's asking for it.


Yep, I know full well what is going on, I've been around long enough on these boards.

I've posted my story many times PBear so I'm not going to go into it again, but I have weighed the pros and cons and am staying despite the sex life issues. If sex was the only factor in the relationship I'd have left already, but there is far more involved than that.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

Ya so 9:00 rolls around and like a clock,he's off to bed. I followed behind, wondering if he might...I took my clothes off and he didn't even lift his head off the pillow. I just put my night shirt on and left the bedroom. I got to get out more and start interacting with people. I just feel like I'm losing myself to the circumstance. If my fears are realized and it ends up that he doesn't want me, at least it will answer the questions I've had and there's gotta be some consolation in that. 

Now that I've decided that he's getting that letter, I almost can't wait for the next time he says no??? How f$&@ing psychotic is that?


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Tango said:


> Ya so 9:00 rolls around and like a clock,he's off to bed. I followed behind, wondering if he might...I took my clothes off and he didn't even lift his head off the pillow. I just put my night shirt on and left the bedroom. I got to get out more and start interacting with people. I just feel like I'm losing myself to the circumstance. If my fears are realized and it ends up that he doesn't want me, at least it will answer the questions I've had and there's gotta be some consolation in that.
> 
> Now that I've decided that he's getting that letter, I almost can't wait for the next time he says no??? How f$&@ing psychotic is that?


If you are serious about your letter, don't let this fester the whole time he is gone. He leaves in another day, so why not make some comment like "it's been awhile and you're going to be gone two weeks, how about we get in some time together (or whatever more direct words if that is what it takes with him) before you leave?" If he says no or makes excuses, then hand him the letter and tell him to make some arrangements for a new place to return to.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I think your aproaching the My give a damn is now broken.

you can only try so hard before you come to realise that they are never going to change. and many times when you reach this impass they show renewed interest but you know in the back of your mind that it will fade and you will still be stuck with the same crap. 

There are very little success stories with this situation the ones that are success are the one who finaily said I'm out of hear and never looked back.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Tango said:


> Ya so 9:00 rolls around and like a clock,he's off to bed. I followed behind, wondering if he might...I took my clothes off and he didn't even lift his head off the pillow. I just put my night shirt on and left the bedroom. I got to get out more and start interacting with people. I just feel like I'm losing myself to the circumstance. If my fears are realized and it ends up that he doesn't want me, at least it will answer the questions I've had and there's gotta be some consolation in that.
> 
> Now that I've decided that he's getting that letter, I almost can't wait for the next time he says no??? How f$&@ing psychotic is that?


I think you need to be more direct on what you want. Maybe he thinks you are just there to change into something more comfortable. He isn't thinking about sex unlike most men so seeing you change into something else isn't going to isn't going to think that you want to have sex. I like Abc123wife's suggestion. I'm hoping it will be a wake up call for him that you are serious and he make more of an effort to please you, maybe go to a Dr and figure out what's going on as I would hate to see your family break up. If anything it will give him a couple of weeks to think about it. I know you miss him when he is gone but I have a feeling it's a bit of relief too as you aren't thinking about him in bed alone where you want to be while you are somewhere else in the house.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Tango, have you tried MC at all? Because it sounds like sex isn't even your biggest problem here. It's the lack of communication. Does your husband even know how much this is bothering you?

Even with a bad MC, one thing a third party can do is at least help get the lines of communication up and working again. 

And don't be embarrassed that you need sex!! OMG, that's like the biggest reason people get married in the first place!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Tango, you suggested this in a post above, start going out some, meet new people. Not with the intention of cheating by any means, just start trying to find things that bring you some happiness, you deserve it. He will notice, he will become curious, you seem to be too available to him right now


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

I have enough self control that I won't cheat on him. I don't allow myself to be put into positions where it could happen because I know how vulnerable I am right now. Ripe for the picking so to speak. I also made a deal with my h before we ever had sex and one of the stipulations to us getting together was that if one or the other ever wanted to cheat, we would have enough respect for the other to leave first. I know I can do that. 

Okie...funny you mention my availability....the jam sessions I was attending have stopped for the summer. So it's time for me to find a new jam I think because he even accused me of screwing around on him because I was going out a few hours a week. Always invite him but no he doesn't like that kind of music...whatever, I'm having fun. 

Theseus..I asked about going and got the typical response of not wanting to involve other people. I can't even get him to go to a doctor for a check up...you think he wants to talks to some stranger about our"personal" problems? He was very upset with me one day when he thought I had spoken to a girlfriend of mine about being sexless. I know this may be difficult to believe, but I can talk with him about almost anything else except sex...and the worst part is that before he started rejecting me, I could talk to him about sex too. I am in love with this man and I know that is why this hurts so much. He knows something is bothering me but he doesn't know what it is because when he asks what's wrong I'm gutless and I lie to him.

Abcwife...unfortunately it's the wrong time for me and he's one of those people that won't have sex during that time so it will fester. I would rather he be here when it hits the fan anyway because I don't think he's going to believe it until he sees me. 

I think I need to be clear that he's not a bad guy. He's a great provider and father, we have belly laughs everyday, it's just this one big area where there seems to be such disconnect.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Stop lying to him!!!!

"Honey, what's wrong?"

You reply after you have taken a deep breath 

"There is something troubling me a great deal but I'm not sure I'm ready to talk just yet. Can we talk later tonight, or tomorrow? I just need to get my thoughts in order."

This lets him know there IS something on your mind and give you some time to make up your mind to say something. And here is what you say.

"I love you more than anything but our lack of sex life makes me feel totally unloved. That you don't want sex with me, that you don't desire me, that you don't want me, it hurts beyond words. I don't know how much longer I can go on loving you when I don't feel you love me back."

Then he makes a bunch of noises about all the stuff he does do...

And you say,

"I am aware of all of that and I appreciate all of it. But none of it takes the place of having a husband who desires me. I need to feel that you desire me through sex, that you want me and want to have sex with me. I am not willing to live a sexless life."

Then he says, "so what are you saying, you want a divorce?"

You reply, "if I wanted a divorce I would have already left, I WANT a marriage, that includes sex, desire and lust, with you, from you, for us."


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

He can't fix anything if he doesn't know it is bothering you!!!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

And then you say it 400 more times if necessary.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> He can't fix anything if he doesn't know it is bothering you!!!


I know. I'm overcome with the fear that he doesn't want me and that fear is paralyzing me at the moment.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

faithful wife said:


> and then you say it 400 more times if necessary.



741

742

743

744

745

746

: : :


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Tango said:


> I know. I'm overcome with the fear that he doesn't want me and that fear is paralyzing me at the moment.


Okay, follow that thought. In the highly unlikely scenario that he doesn't want you anymore, wouldn't you rather know? Wouldn't you rather have the opportunity to go through some pain right now and have the option of finding someone who would LOVE to have a woman who loves sex and wants sex?

My husband never complimented me, I mean never. For a long time I convinced myself he didn't find me attractive. Now I know he's just a dumb ass! LOL!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> And then you say it 400 more times if necessary.




But so true . . .


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Okay, follow that thought. In the highly unlikely scenario that he doesn't want you anymore, wouldn't you rather know? Wouldn't you rather have the opportunity to go through some pain right now and have the option of finding someone who would LOVE to have a woman who loves sex and wants sex?
> 
> My husband never complimented me, I mean never. For a long time I convinced myself he didn't find me attractive. Now I know he's just a dumb ass! LOL!


There is no argument because you are right.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Tango said:


> There is no argument because you are right.


You're from Canada so is it safe to assume you don't have the typical American woman body image issue? The reason I ask is because I think you need to understand the vast majority of men, though yes turned on by the perfect body (and who isn't?) remain totally attracted to their wife no matter what horrors age and child birth has visited upon them. You sound like you are second guessing that you are worthy of being made to feel desired.

You are! Unless you've gained more than 100 pounds in the last 14 years, you are just shooting yourself in the foot with your second guessing if he finds you attractive. OF COURSE he does!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

If he's just not very sexual, it isn't going to matter what she looks like, he could be totally attracted and just not be that into sex. That's my guess.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> If he's just not very sexual, it isn't going to matter what she looks like, he could be totally attracted and just not be that into sex. That's my guess.


I hope not! I don't know how you reconcile being married to a person who just isn't that sexual when you are highly sexual? How much room is there for compromise?

Tango, has your husband always been less sexual then you or is this something relatively new?


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

I'm not sure how to answer that. It's been so long since he started turning me away...I thought we were pretty well matched in the beginning. He essentially left me alone and pregnant in our bed while he slept in another part of the house. I don't honestly remember how or why that started but at this point it's irrelevant. That is when it began and it's gotten progressively worse over time until I brought it up as an issue that needed addressing. As I have said before, he won't touch me outside of bed. Geez he won't touch me in bed. I asked him once why he would give up his sex life. ( I have severe chronic back pain) and his response to me was that he wasn't an a$$hole and he knew how much medication I was on and how much pain I was in. What's bizarre about that answer is that even though I had almost 0 sex drive because of pain and medication, I still tried to be intimate with him. When he repeatedly rejected me I finally told him I would eventually quit asking, I focused on taking care of my children ( one of which is diabetic from 18 months old ) and I ate to make myself feel better. 5'4" and I got up to 195lbs before I said enough and now I'm down to where I was 14 years ago and still losing. I'll stop at about 150lb 'cause us Canadian gals need a little meat on the bones to get through winter!Lol
He told me once it wasn't all about me...he's gained weight as well yet he won't do anything about it.


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

Most all people I've known with this problem are actually VERY into sex, but there were other issues percolating just under the surface. As a male, I think this is doubly true for our gender

Good luck
-seahorse




Faithful Wife said:


> If he's just not very sexual, it isn't going to matter what she looks like, he could be totally attracted and just not be that into sex. That's my guess.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Sounds similar to my H about some things. Chronic pain and the way he reacts to it, very similar. My H is also not an affectionate guy. But he is getting much much better in the last several months.

Probably like yours, my H never touched me unless he wanted sex. Unlike yours, my H does want sex.

I had to instruct him and deprogram his thinking that marriages look like his parents marriage. Because he never saw his father embrace his mother, that's the message he got. Whereas I saw my father embrace my mother all the time, he danced with her in the kitchen... His parents would have never done that in front of the kids!

I think your husband doesn't know what you want and thinks he's benign mr wonderful by not pressuring you for sex because you're in pain. Guess what helps pain? ORGASMS!!!!

Have you done the emotional needs questionnaire yet? If not do it!
Emotional Needs Questionnaire

Print out 2, one for each of you. Complete them separately and be as detailed as possible. Then go over them together. Some men need this black and white written down. And then there are men like my husband who need that plus the threat of divorce

ETA: can't stress this enough. This is not about your level of relative attraction. This is about your husband being absolutely clueless about your needs.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

Anon...I do have to admit that he has asked me for sex (albeit in bed in the dark) more since I brought this issue up than he had in the previous 20 years. I hope your right about him being oblivious to my needs. I just think he may ask me what I want and I'm so messed,up,about the whole situation that I don't know what to say. I guess I'll jut have to cross that bridge when I get to it. 

I did by HNHN but that was a while ago and I could probably talk him into that once I drop the bomb. He leaves in the morning and in som ways i'm relieved about that. He's got a 6 week stretch off coming up and I hope we can make some progress during that time. 
I meant to thank you for giving me the words that I struggle to find when I try to talk to.him about this. When I brought it up the first time, he did acknowledge that there was obviously some need that I had that he wasn't fulfilling. Then he refused to see a doc, MC, come to the gym with me. So he knows something...just won't do anything about it. Maybe I do need to piss him off enough that it kicks his butt into gear. It's all very confusing and overwhelming.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Yes it is overwhelming. Because you love him you hesitate to say anything that would hurt him. However, you really really need to be honest and open about what you want and need from him. Don't wait until you get so angry you're ready to walk. If his weigh bothers you, tell him that too!

I've been married for 29 years and only in the past few years have we actually made progress in our marriage and most of that progress has been the last 6 months! 

Don't waste another minute! Life is short and you only get one!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Your sitch actually sounds pretty hopeful, tango. Definitely listen to Anon. She is the queen of having to learn (the hard way) how to ENFORCE your own needs, over and over and over...with love and support but also with some threats of action taken if no change is made.

You will both have to do things you are not comfortable with in order to get to a better place. But if you are sincere and ready to lead the way, you will succeed. That's Anon's shining example. She did not want to be lonely and not touched. She wanted her husband to give her certain things that he never would have done naturally or by instinct. So she found the way to make that happen, which did not come free. It took courage and commitment. 

Do you feel your marriage is worth that type of courage and commitment? If yes, then you will succeed.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Your sitch actually sounds pretty hopeful, tango. Definitely listen to Anon. She is the queen of having to learn (the hard way) how to ENFORCE your own needs, over and over and over...with love and support but also with some threats of action taken if no change is made.
> 
> You will both have to do things you are not comfortable with in order to get to a better place. But if you are sincere and ready to lead the way, you will succeed. That's Anon's shining example. She did not want to be lonely and not touched. She wanted her husband to give her certain things that he never would have done naturally or by instinct. So she found the way to make that happen, which did not come free. It took courage and commitment.
> 
> Do you feel your marriage is worth that type of courage and commitment? If yes, then you will succeed.



OMG! That's just about the sweetes thing I've heard in a while! Thank you FW! That just really touched me.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

About 6 weeks ago now before he came home the last time, we had it out because it just happened to be a busy time with my outside interests. He called to talk to me and I was at lunch with my music board. He asked what was going on. But it was the way he asked that got my back up. I ripped him a new one basically and told him that after being confined for so long I would have thought he would be happy that I,was,getting out and meeting people. He said if I wasn't getting it from him I must have been getting it somewhere else. I was in such shock that I didn't know what to say. I should have taken that opportunity but I really don't want to do this over the phone. When he got home was the last time I asked him for sex and was told no. The more I think, the more crap I come up with. 
I most certainly don't want to hurt him. The man stayed with me when I think others would have walked. Maybe I'm asking too much since he has put some effort into having sex. Maybe that's what I'm really worried about. I know I need to tell him what's bothering me I just don't know if I will be able to verbalize it. I still have my letter.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tango said:


> About 6 weeks ago now before he came home the last time, we had it out because it just happened to be a busy time with my outside interests. He called to talk to me and I was at lunch with my music board. He asked what was going on. But it was the way he asked that got my back up. I ripped him a new one basically and told him that after being confined for so long I would have thought he would be happy that I,was,getting out and meeting people. He said if I wasn't getting it from him I must have been getting it somewhere else. I was in such shock that I didn't know what to say. I should have taken that opportunity but I really don't want to do this over the phone. When he got home was the last time I asked him for sex and was told no. The more I think, the more crap I come up with.
> I most certainly don't want to hurt him. The man stayed with me when I think others would have walked. Maybe I'm asking too much since he has put some effort into having sex. Maybe that's what I'm really worried about. I know I need to tell him what's bothering me I just don't know if I will be able to verbalize it. I still have my letter.


He sounds angry. What is he angry about. 

I'm not sure that I could care anymore after having a guy turn me down like this and then he makes that kind of remark to me. 

I was in a marriage that was sexless for the last 7 years. It was his choice. Turns out that it was sexless because he was cheating with any and everyone who he could get to cheat with him. 

After my experience, that kind of a remark from a guy who seldom if ever wanted sex from me and I'd be gone. 

The anger in his remark is very obvious .. it's a verbal attack.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> He sounds angry. What is he angry about.
> 
> I'm not sure that I could care anymore after having a guy turn me down like this and then he makes that kind of remark to me.
> 
> ...


I actually just remembered something else about that argument...I had told him that, after accusing me of getting it somewhere else, I wanted to go out just to spite him, but that I didn't because that was the wrong thing to do. His first response was suggest that maybe he should just up and leave. I think it surprised him when all I said was so your going to go eh? Never thought of it as a verbal attack, just an unfounded accusation.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Stop lying to him!!!!
> 
> "Honey, what's wrong?"
> 
> ...


:iagree: excellent post Anonpink. The bolded part is especially necessary, cause every story you hear has the SO defending the good person they are and often it's true but it doesn't make up for the lack of sex. I really think they don't realize it is a need not just a want.


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## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

I could have written the exact same post. 

Feel the exact same way with the lack of sex. It has pulled me away from my wife so much.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

I posted this in predicting another rejection. I had these two rough days with my kid and doctors...I just wanted to him say it to me first. And of course that "other issue" is festering and I keep playing out in my mind how that is going to go. 

You sound happy, and I am happy for you Unfortunately, I have already fallen into that trap and I'm just trying it keep from chewing my leg off! I wish, not every time, but I wish I my h would come home and just tell me how happy he is to see me. Instead, I bring him a cup of tea and life goes on for another day. 
Here's an example of what I deal with. When he's gone, he expects the phone to ring at a certain time every night. The phone will start ringing at my end very shortly after I have not called him. You should know he is in an isolated camp situation. Usually I say I love you before we hang up and he says I love you too. I've have a rough couple of days and for the last two nights, I didn't say it... and waited for him to say it. Until I hear the click. So I don't have high expectations because that is asking for disappointment.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

He can't fix anything if he doesn't know it's bothering you.
He can't fix anything if he doesn't know it's bothering you.

And then I hit send. I sent my letter to my H. I may get brave and post it ( even temporarily). I gave him every opportunity to make my biggest fears come true....to my surprise he didn't.

He called me shortly after receiving it. I told him I didn't want his gut reaction, I wanted him to think about it. He said I have thought about it..."you hit that nail on the head"...he said that his weight was his biggest problem.. He feels like he can't/won't be able to satisfy me because he's not 25 any more and he just doesn't bend that way. I explained to him that that wasn't what it was all about. 

H: Well we're just going to have to work on this. We can have f**k nights...would that work?
Me: That would be a good start.
H: I don't ever want you to think of me as a room mate.
Me: ok
H: I don't understand why you feel rejected.
Me: You don't know when this started for me. A long, long time ago. I would ask you for sex and you would say no. I felt rejected. I would wait some time ask again...no...every once in a while yes.
H: I was so afraid of hurting you with you back being the way it was.
Me: that's what you should have told me...instead all I heard was no.
H: I'm sorry....(I could hear that in his voice)
Me: I'm not trying to make you feel guilty
H: I don't even remember that so I can't feel guilty...All I can do is try to make it better. 
H: you need to be more direct with me. I've half been expecting you to pounce on me at the door. Just tell me you want me to...whatever...
Me: alright, I will.

That was the basic jist of the conversation. So, I have some hope going forward. I need to make sure that he understands it's not just about "the act". It's all the stuff leading up to the act...that passion...because he was at work I didn't want to go to deep but it I something I will have to discuss with him.

I feel better...that he knows now.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Sounds like he needed the direct approach. Things do look promising for you. That's great. We had a nice morning, for once my husband slept in and when we woke up, we held each other, started kissing and off came our clothes. He wasn't able to complete the act but he did satisfy me in another way. He is doing the testosterone patch. In 3 weeks when it has fully kicked in he is suppose to take Viagra and we will give it a test.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

Sounds nice Happily. I have recently been going swimming in the evenings instead of the mornings and find that I can sleep,better at night for some reason. So I think my schedule is about to change again so that I'm not rushing out of bed in the morning...and spending the night as well. I have hope because I was very clear about what's happening. No wiggle room. Time will tell..this is not the first time I've brought it up, but I think he knows how serious I am.

I'm remembering snippets of the conversation cause I gotta tell ya my head was spinning! I was in such a state of unfounded panic....gee I wish everyone here in a SM could do what I did and at least get positive response....there was not one negative sentiment, no raised voices, he was very pragmatic about it really don't know if that's good or bad. He told me he accused of me of sleeping around because he feels inadequate and guilty for not taking care of me, so he was worried that I would look somewhere else. So I am definitely looking forward.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I sense a very happy ending coming!

Well done Tango! Keep being honest about what's in your heart. Be honest about your insecurities, your fears, your wants, your desires.

This is just great!


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

Update:

H has been home a week and we had great sex the day he got home. There has been a little sexual bantering back and forth but that's about it. Until today. It's been a week. He looked at me and asked if I was getting *****y? I took it as him making fun of me ( one of the things in my letter was that I noticed I got *****y after he had been home a few days and we hadn't had sex) I admit I was cranky but I wasn't giving it to him. Then later in the day, he made some sarcastic comment about about rubbing one out ( another reference to my letter).

On a happier note, I have lost 30lbs as of today.

I did try indirectly to initiate a couple of days later. I gave him a top to bottom back rub, but he didn't take his underwear off so I took that hint.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Good for you!!!

Your husband sounds like he is finally getting it.

hopefully he won't forget and go back to business as usual.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Tango said:


> Update:
> 
> H has been home a week and we had great sex the day he got home. There has been a little sexual bantering back and forth but that's about it. Until today. It's been a week. He looked at me and asked if I was getting *****y? I took it as him making fun of me ( one of the things in my letter was that I noticed I got *****y after he had been home a few days and we hadn't had sex) I admit I was cranky but I wasn't giving it to him. Then later in the day, he made some sarcastic comment about about rubbing one out ( another reference to my letter).
> 
> ...


That's an excellent start! Congrats on the weight loss too!

Now here is where men hear things differently so you need to reinforce what you want from him, in his language.

"You getting b!tchy?"

"Yes, I was just thinking it would be so nice if I felt desired by someone I love..." And let it go at that. 

He is beginning to be more in tuned with you but he's going to need your help to understand what you expect and want from him.

Remember men are kinda dumb!


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

Tango said:


> Update:
> 
> H has been home a week and we had great sex the day he got home. There has been a little sexual bantering back and forth but that's about it. Until today. It's been a week. He looked at me and asked if I was getting *****y? I took it as him making fun of me ( one of the things in my letter was that I noticed I got *****y after he had been home a few days and we hadn't had sex) I admit I was cranky but I wasn't giving it to him. Then later in the day, he made some sarcastic comment about about rubbing one out ( another reference to my letter).
> 
> ...


Is that horn y or bit chy! Until I read Anon's post I just thought it was h*rny and thought why not just say "yes, please do me!" And take comfort in knowing he's trying and loves you! Why not respond in such a way to encourage him? 

If it was b!tchy, then like Anon said respond. You could respond with "yeah it makes me cranky when the person I love doesn't seem to give a sh!t." What Anon said would probably be nicer! But you get the general idea.

Either way if he brings it up sarcastically or anything use the opportunity to talk. Just match him, teasing with teasing, sarcasm with sarcasm, sweet with sweet. But always, always remember this is the person you love, you don't want to cut them to the core, you really want them to understand what your feeling without making them feel like sh!t if at all possible.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> I agree rejection does hurt, both mentally and physically.
> 
> Last night I heard my husband getting ready for bed at 8:30 so I shut down my electronics and went upstairs into our bedroom and he gave me a look land said "What are you doing here"? I said I thought we would cuddle while you are watching the hockey game. He said I had planned to just go to sleep. I said it's only 8:30 on a Saturday night you would rather sleep than cuddle with me? He said What can I say I'm boring" I proceeded to get into my pajamas and get into bed and when he got into bed we did cuddle until he fell asleep. When he says things like that it doesn't make me feel wanted.
> 
> I don't let these feeling carry into my day, when we got up this morning we kissed each other, he wished me a Happy Mothers Day and we got ready for the day. I put on a smiley face. I don't want him to see me upset because he will ask what is wrong and since he doesn't want to talk about what goes on in the bedroom I have to lie and say nothing, so it's better to fake it. I try to focus on the positive things about him and our marriage.


I'm sorry you have such a selfish husband who only cares about his own needs.

You should divorce him and find a better partner. He will truly regret the day that happens, but he is forcing this upon himself.

My sincere condolences.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I had starting writing yesterday that I love my husband, we have a great marriage except for the bedroom I will never divorce him or have an affair but I would love for him to kiss me more passionately and be the instigator instead of me always being the instigator. I didn't get a chance to post it. Last night we cuddled in bed he said he was tired and was going to sleep, we kiss each other good night and he turn over on his side as that is the only way he can sleep and I lay there rubbing his back as he fell asleep. He surprised me by turning back over and started kissing me, with more passion than he had ever kissed me before. We probably kissed for 1/2 hour, he went down on me, but we weren't able to have intercourse. He has been on the testosterone patch for a month now so I think that is helping get his desire back.

He said tomorrow night he will take Cialis and try again. I'm feeling real optimistic today that even if he isn't ever able to perform that we can still have a loving passionate relationship in the bedroom. That alone will make me a happy and content wife. I slept better than I had in months. It really can be difficult to sleep soundly when you are laying next to someone who you want to be with. I'm not surprised that those in a sexless marriage prefer to sleep in a separate bedroom.


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