# four months into the affair update



## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

It has been four months since I discovered my W's EA with the OM. We went through all the phases discussed here in this forum: confrontation- denial, exposure - denial, confronting the OM - less denial, made it clear that she needs to take responsibility for what had happened - she made a half hazard apology. 

I have tried very hard to forgive, but can't get rid of the dark thoughts. I would like to put it all behind me and start living as I want to stay in the marriage. Tried individual therapy (she refuses to go). Tried thought replacement.

Why can't I let go?

M.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Don't try to "let go"! The dark thoughts will go on for a long time. Most books (and I've now read 7 on the subject), suggest that the thoughts could go on for a year or more. It's like suffering a loss and going through the grief process.

For me, I'm almost 9 months from D-Day 1 and 3 months from D-Day 3. I now mostly measure my ruminations in days rather than hours. I now have "good weeks" and "bad weeks". It's like a cycle. Sometimes, although, the thoughts occupy my mind in hours.

My wife has been incredibly helpful. The fact that she wants no part of her "old ways" and tells me this often, helps. We are in marriage councelling and both in individual councelling. I'm also taking Sam-E and high doses of fish oil, which my doctor told me will help with the anxiety and "bad thoughts". It worked for about a month and now it's not working so good. My doctor is now suggesting a low dose of Paxil to help with the "edge". I will begin working-out again to see if that helps before the meds.

Moeman, what you can do is be the best husband humanly possible. I hug my wife at every opportunity. I compliment her on her perfume, her dress, her hair, her nails.... We make love much more often, I stare into her eyes while making love and I tell her I love her. I massage her in a non-sexual way. I write her love letters, I buy cards, we talk more often (less TV), we have date nite on Fridays, couples nite on Saturdays. I am reinventing my role in my marriage and doing what I've learned that women want from men, not what men have learned to do. It's a brain [email protected] for me but I act "as-if" until it becomes second nature.

I suspect you are missing intimacy, which caused your wife to seek a connection elsewhere. Until you fix that, she'll have no compassion for how her behavior made you feel. I caught my wife having her EA on two occasions and went to her therapist and confronted her with evidence. She denied and made excuses. I practically cried and she sat there with a stone-cold face and no compassion and all excuses and denial. She's a different person now.

Goodluck.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

If I had to venture a guess, I would say that since her apology wasn't sincere and she isn't willing to do anything to fix it with you, that you probably won't let it go. The only reason my H got a second chance was because he was so remorseful and willing to agree to any terms I asked if it meant I would TRY to work it out with him.


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## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

Workingitout said:


> Moeman, what you can do is be the best husband humanly possible. I hug my wife at every opportunity. I compliment her on her perfume, her dress, her hair, her nails.... We make love much more often, I stare into her eyes while making love and I tell her I love her. I massage her in a non-sexual way. I write her love letters, I buy cards, we talk more often (less TV), we have date nite on Fridays, couples nite on Saturdays. I am reinventing my role in my marriage and doing what I've learned that women want from men, not what men have learned to do. It's a brain [email protected] for me but I act "as-if" until it becomes second nature.
> 
> Goodluck.


Well said. I agree. But how do I forego of the thought of OM when I try to kiss, hug, massage, or even tell her that I love her when my mind wonders about them.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What helps for me, is I truely believe I'm a better kisser, I hug better, I masage better, and I love her better then the OM's. Call it ****y, but thats something that gets me by. Force those dark thoughts away, your better then all that.


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