# married to emotional abuser...what to do?



## tiffany747 (Jun 7, 2011)

i am in an emotionally abusive marraige and from researching this, i'm realizing that it's so deeply ingrained in my husband that it's doubtful he'll ever change or is even capable of changing. to be fair, he has gotten better but has such a long, long ways to go i dont' know how long i can endure this. 

I have his 10 yr. old (the mother abandoned) who i consider MY son because i've raised him since he was 3 yrs old and love him to pieces. I have a 8 yr old daughter who i share custody with her dad, but she's been in this current situation since she was 2 yrs old and prob doesn't remember life before her step brother and my husband. we also have a child together who is 4 yrs old. that being said, i just can't bail out of this...my kids deserve better then that. 

i would say our biggest problem that causes major stress is that my husband has a VERY strong libido (wasn't like that before we got married, go figure) and if 2 or 3 days go by without him having sex, his abusive behavior is amplified. it's like there's poisen running through his veins. the emotional abuse i'm talking about has crushed my spirit and destroyed any bond i've had with this man. he focuses on and exaggerates all my negative traits and NEVER acknowledges anything positive about me. he's very narcissistic and can't fathom that his behavior is abusive and hurtful to me because he's perfect and everyone is stupid. 

i'm on anti-depressents which negatively impact my libido as well as the abuse and day to day stress of managing 3 young children. i have these 'passion killers' working against me and more times then not i have sex with him just to appease him and keep him off my back (no pun intended..lol) but he can tell i'm not into it and has made it clear it is no fun for him. since this last go around of us trying to 'work on the marraige' - him repeating the abusive behavior - me calling him out on it - him playing the victim and putting the blame on me (he's a spin dr.) - i detach and don't want to have sex with him. 

now it's divorce talk. but one of us moving out isn't an option due to not wanting to traumatize kids and finanaces won't permit. so what to do? we've talked about him having a girlfriend on the side which upsets me and makes me sick to my stomach because in some twisted dysfunctional way, i still love him. but on the other hand i can't picture spending the rest of my life with someone who's obsessively hyper-critical of me and has this impulsive need to assasinate my character. 

lemme tell you, i'm a good wife. i'm nuturing, supportive, i cook, i clean, we've had a hard time financially and i've adjusted by working those coupons/sales for food and going to yard sales for clothes (he even *****es about the yard sales where i find great stuff you'd never know it was second hand), etc. and cutting back spending wherev i can. instead of being pissed off at him for our financial situation i'm thankful for eduring this because it's made me a better resourceful person! (been falling down on house stuff lately i'm exhausted all the time, having health issues, this pisses him off and i get no leeway) i keep my self in shape and attractive for him, and i'm a good mom. what else could a husband ask for! but it's never enough for him he thinks he's entitled to ask for way more then he gives back. 

SO WHAT TO DO? do i try to further detach so i don't loose my sanity when he finds a fu** buddy on the side? we're not having sex so i'm sure it's just a matter of time before he finds someone else. his office is in our garage so he HAS to be here evday. this house, my neighbors kids, the neighborhood school is the center of my children's universe so i'm NOT leaving. ANY ADVICE? i feel like this is a hopeless situation.


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## hevonne (May 25, 2011)

Tiffany I'm so sorry. I was in the exact same situation earlier this year-I finally left after my husband started telling me he wanted me dead. I lost my desire for my husband before I left because of his criticizing, name calling, accusations and insults. He got angrier and more abusive because I wasnt interested in him after his behavior. It as a vicious circle-I still had sex with him, but had a very hard time even being a praticipant-I felt like I was "paying" him for bringing home a paycheck by having sex, and I was disugsted with myself even.
He knew I wasnt enjoying it. He got meaner and started taking it out on the kids. He tried to find ways to "punish" me by getting rid of my car, or taking things away from me or humiliating me. He was even getting into serious road rage incidents. It all culminated in me leaving a big, beatiful house and taking the kids with me.
Imagine my shock when I finally spoke to him weeks after I left, and he begged for my forgiveness. He is in psychotherapy now to learn how to "change". It seems so far to be working, but time will tell. We are still 225 miles apart and divorce was already filed. It took all of that to wake him up to the damage he was doing.
I dont know yet what will happen-I pray we dont divorce. But sometimes, it takes something drastic to make someone realize what they are doing and the worth of what they could potentially lose. 
Also, keep an eye on what your kids are witnessing-it can be incredibly damaging to them, and they know more than what you might think they do!
Hugs and prayers to you-I know how anguishing this can be.


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## hevonne (May 25, 2011)

Also, check out these books:
"Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft
and anything by Patricia Evans-they are very enlightening-Patricia has a website to, I think it is Verbalabuse.com


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## tiffany747 (Jun 7, 2011)

yes i'm not liking being in this position where i have no paycheck. before we got married, we had an agreement that he would run the company and i would run the family. i didn't know this would mean i'm expected to be subservient to him and i'm not to entitled to a voice. 

i'm really now seeing just how narcissistic this man really is. everytime the sex subject comes up i get accused of not liking sex, i'm fridgid. a 1,000 x's before my reply is pretty much the same, 'you're hurtful words push me away'. and it ALWAYS goes back to him bashing me that i don't know how to treat a man, blah, blah, blah. he twists it to make himself the victim because he's so 'neglected'. he refuses to acknowledge his hurtful words impact our intamacy. i'm so tired of defending myself. 

i really feel, esp by the way he's been talking, he's trying to justify going outside the marraige. he says i'm 'too much drama to try to have sex with and it's not worth it.' he's also said 'he's over me' and he 'doesn't want to have sex with me anymore'. he's made it VERY clear that he can't go longer then a week without sex and a man has needs etc.
i suspect he might think that if i know he's messing around it might light a fire under my a** and i'll be begging him to have sex with me if i have some competition. like he's trying to control me by this sort of manipulation. he's been threatening me about getting a OW on the side for awhile now. i've let him know i'm absolutly not o.k. with this. so he's trying to play on that insecurity. he is so finely tuned in the art of manipulation, i've painfully learned alot about manipulation from this guy. luckily, i can see these people coming from a mile away now! 

at this point, i'm kinda waiting for the divorce papers to arrive. he feels completly justified because it's all about him. he's perfect and i'm victimizing him, lol, it's so absurd to me. 
i also feel he really wants this divorce because of rants he goes on about how the man get's screwed by the lazy spoiled wife taking all of his hard earned $$$, i'm sure this is true in many cases. he would feel more in control if he knew he wasn't at risk losing 1/2 of his assets to me (he acts like he's freakin donald trump, helloooooo, we own 1 house, donald owns islands & 1/2 of manhattan) did i mention he's also an ego maniac with a superiority complex? in case you couldn't already tell ; )

oh yes the kids. my stomach goes into knots over thinking abot them just watching the verbal abuse and thinking this is ok in a relationship. i talk to them and tell them it's not o.k. or healthy and try to explain what a loving relationship is...but we're trying to be very careful what is said in front of them. 
i found a book i'm going to order. 'Toxic Men: 10 Ways to Identify, Deal With, and Heal from the Men Who Make Your Life Miserable' by lillian glass. i will check out your recommendations as well.
i hope things work out for you and your family. thank you for your kind words and support. : )


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

My wife is abusive and this causes a lot of problems. Personally, I feel that no situation is hopeless and no person is irredeemable. While waiting for redemption, I would advise doing him every other day whether you like it or not. A large helping of non-sexual touching can reduce the libido. Get the both of you into counseling as soon as possible. This is too big to figure out on your own. I use a Christian counselor myself


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*married to emotional abuser...what to do?*

Leave or tolerate living with an abuser. 

Abusers rarely change. They get worse over time.


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## ComplicatedLifeGal (Jun 9, 2011)

I went through this with my ex. I divorced him, and while things have not been "easy" I am finally in a good way with myself. I no longer have days I am so depressed I can't function, I'm off all my anti depressants (which just barely suppressed my emotional issues enough to function daily) and for the first time in ten years, I feel like a normal person. I don't feel ugly, worthless, too fat or too thin. My son and his way of being show me I am a good mom, and I am enjoying stuff I haven't done in years, like playing music, because I have no one to tell me thats a waste of time when there are chores to do. I have friends, and now that we are seperated, I have never heard anyone say "hey *****, run and fetch a beer" while the whole party snickers. Amazing!
My ex still can't comprehend what caused me to divorce him. As he put it, he put a roof over my head and grocerys on the table, what more did I need? And for years I bought that line too. After all, I didn't even graduate from high school, I have never held a "real" job for more then six months. I have a young boy, and everything we owned my husband bought, so it was his. When I left, I took my clothes and some personal items from my childhood. That was scary.
Turned out, in those first few months, I had more people rooting for me then I knew, I had a lot of help, and things have worked out well. 
I don't think he will ever get what drove me (and a string of gf since) off, and I am still trying to explain it to him. I sincerely hope he never finds another young woman and puts her in the position I was in for years.
Oh, and my breaking point? When my four yr old spilled his juice, refused to help clean it up (mind you, I wasn't mad at him, accidents happen, when they do, pick them up) and told me I was "worthless" and a "very bad, bad mommy". I realized if I stayed, my son would grow up thinking this was how things were, this was normal, and women were treated this way in the home. My son still sees his dad alot, but my respect issues with my son are gone, and he's getting to see mom in a normal relationship now.


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

tiffany747
In reading your story, the thing that hits me the most is how damaging all this is or will be to your helpless, defenseless, innocent little kids! My home life was horrible and I often regret my mom didn't take us and just walk away from THE MONSTER (dad). IMO, there is absolutely no excuse to put kids through the things you write about UNLESS it's a life/death situation. All that you wrote about IS HARMING YOUR KIDS!!!!!



> i am in an emotionally abusive marraige and from researching this, i'm realizing that it's so deeply ingrained in my husband that it's doubtful he'll ever change or is even capable of changing. to be fair, he has gotten better but has such a long, long ways to go i dont' know how long i can endure this.
> 
> I have his 10 yr. old (the mother abandoned) who i consider MY son because i've raised him since he was 3 yrs old and love him to pieces. I have a 8 yr old daughter who i share custody with her dad, but she's been in this current situation since she was 2 yrs old and prob doesn't remember life before her step brother and my husband. we also have a child together who is 4 yrs old. that being said, i just can't bail out of this...my kids deserve better then that.
> 
> ...


Sorry, only "advice" I can come up with is DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO SAVE YOUR KIDS FROM ANY FURTHER DAMAGE BY THEIR PARENTS. Make the mental/emotional health of your kids your #1 priority and you will find a way to HELP THEM GET THROUGH THIS IN ONE PIECE!
I'm so sorry for your kids and you.......... 

http://www.google.com/search?client...rceid=opera&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&channel=suggest


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## JAG (Dec 29, 2010)

Hi
Someone told me once that men get over their problems by having sex where as women require an attachment and security before they feel happy having sex...I don't know but if your husband has such anger he is taking it out on you because he is in a comfort zone at home with you. He probably wouldn' say a thing to a stranger.. 
I think he needs councelling for his problem. He could have had a hard childhood and developed this as a mechanism to deal with his pain or hurt. again i have no idea but i'm only guessing.
He needs help and so do you. The professions are the best to help.
I wish you all the best and hope things improve


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## marriagesucks (Sep 24, 2010)

I am currently going through a similar thing with my husband of nearly 4 years. 

My husband was WONDERFUL when we were dating long distance, but when I got married and lived with him I saw another side. After 3 years I started to realize he has issues with depression every few months. 

But he is normally very verbally abusive at times. He feels like I should be happy because he puts a roof over my head and I "don't have to work." (The fact is I gave up my career to move to his one horse town where there are no opportunities.) I am sorry, but I am not going back to making $5 at the ice cream shop. I admit it is great not having to work. We have a nice house (because I spent a lot of time fixing it up) and we go on vacations to nice places.

He is very selfish. He yells and screams for small things like dishes in the sink, but when I go on strike he will leave dirty dishes in the sink for days...yet if I do it he says I am a slob and he can't live in such a disgusting manner. I should say that the house is in much much better condition than when he lived in it alone and it is kept clean and is VERY organized by average standards. 

The hardest part is when I try so hard to NOT do the things that make him upset but then he finds something else to be angry about. Yet, he will do the same things and I am not allowed to get angry at him.

In the beginning it started to make me depressed because I thought there was something wrong with me. But I now know it is something with him. When he acts up I just leave the room. I am more concerned about the fact that he insists on screaming with all the windows and doors open so the neighbors hear everything. Then the next day I have to face the neighbors. It is so humiliating.

On top of it all he is an alcoholic and spends his free time on the couch watching "his" shoes, on the computer or at the bar with his buddies pretty much every day. In summer he'll spend a lot of saturdays playing golf and then going for drinks--an all day affair. In the winter he spends the entire weekend on the couch watching football. I had to learn how to make a life for myself. Sometimes I wonder if I could spend the rest of my life like this. I've learned to adjust to it, but I know it is not normal to be this much alone, especially when I am a city girl and now I am in a small town in the middle of nowhere.

In a way I do love him. But there are many times I daydream about winning the lottery and running away. If I could take care of myself financially, I would leave. At this point being single is better than what I've got.

His last live in girlfriend cheated on him with several men. Now I know WHY! I asked him once if she was fussy. He said she would be happy if I took her out for dinner. I thought that was strange, BUT AGAIN, NOW I KNOW WHY. It is history repeating itself.

I understand that it is not so easy to pick up and leave and go live in the poor house, ESPECIALLY when you have children! But living that life will also damage the kids. I think the reason my husband acts this way is his father was a drunk he spent a lot of his time at the bar and wasn't much of a family man. From what I understand my husband says his father did not "believe" in him and give him the emotional nurturing he needed. In fact he was more dismissive and rarely ever gave him a complement to this day, only criticism. 

So take that for what it is worth. I wish you the best. I am going to the convenience store right now for a lottery ticket....


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

jimrich said:


> Sorry, only "advice" I can come up with is DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO SAVE YOUR KIDS FROM ANY FURTHER DAMAGE BY THEIR PARENTS. Make the mental/emotional health of your kids your #1 priority and you will find a way to HELP THEM GET THROUGH THIS IN ONE PIECE!
> I'm so sorry for your kids and you..........


This is great advice. I am hoping jimrich is advising intervention and counseling rather than divorce. My wife and her mom before her grew up in an emotionally abusive homes and they are both train wrecks. Although my wife is considerably improved over the last 8 years, I can see the effects on our kids and it makes me want to cry. On the other hand, my wife, her mom, me and our kids will all be highly contributing members of society with much to be proud of despite our tortured feelings. The intense negative feelings create a lot of energy that can be channeled into achievement.

I am taking leadership in this situation through our church and our faith and we have chosen to rely on God's word and Christ's love to find healing and repair our damage. Of course there are many ways to go about this depending on one's individual preferences but you have to to something or your children will be doomed to a life of unhappiness.


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