# please any advice would help



## lost9092 (Feb 3, 2009)

hello,iam new here.iam hoping for some advice.i will try to make a long story short.im in my second marriage.i have a daughter to whom is 18,and another that is 16....he has a son whom has moved out and in the milatary.my daughter that is 16.whom has been digonised with bi-polar,schizo-effective disorder ..was placed in group homes from the age 14-16..ad has been in and out of mental hosptials 13 times from age 13-17..she spent last year in 4 months..so there is alot of history there..the issue now is that she has gottn involved in alot of drugs,and bad people.started coming and going..stop taking all her meds.my husband doesnt want her here ..says if i let her come visit she wil just walk in and out when she wants to.her b/f that she was with was recently caught with drugs and locked up.so she came back home.but he is telling me to tell her she cant go.i feel iam jus pushing her right back to that enviroment cause she has no other place to go..how do i even begin to help.she is still my baby...in his eyes.a child at 18 shold be out on there own working and taking care of themselves.he says he wants it just me and him...i feel torn..he talks very little to my baby girl..he doesnt care much for her also..but she is well behaved,planing on college...thank you for taking to time to read...hoe to hear from you soon..lost9092


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

For your daughter who is 18 i think you should consider going to alanon. You have to learn to set consequences for her behavior, and that might include not allowing her around your 16 year old. after all, you dont want drugs that close to her, or the kind of guys the 18 year will bring home. I think your H is right about not allowing the 18 year old in the house. 

as far as how your H is treating the 16 year old, your H needs to be more loving. there's probably a lot of tension though b/c of the 18 year old.


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## honey28 (Aug 1, 2008)

This is only my humble opinion (my oldest is in kindergarten ), so I am not speaking from experience. However, I believe that you need to set some clear rules and boundaries for your daughter such as a curfew, who is/is not allowed at your home, no drugs/paraphanelia, etc... and i would have zero tolerance if she broke any of those rules she would have to leave. I would also sit down and have a heart to heart w/ my husband, validate his feelings b/c his concerns are real and legitimate (from the way you describe the situation), but just explain to him that you want to help your daughter but ensure him that you will enforce the rules. You should also include him in the process of deciding reasonable boundaries/rules. I would also mandate that she get treatment if she is serious about breaking her addictions, if she refuses it... that would lead me to think that she is not ready to change her ways and that if you asked her to leave you wouldn't be pushing her anywhere that she wasn't already going. Her choices are her own, good or bad. What I can say from experience is that my younger brother had a troubled teenage/early 20's and my mom "saved" him from everything, she never let him suffer any consequences b/c she was always trying to protect him and always viewed him as her "baby boy" and in the end he's had to pay for many things the hard way b/c she didn't let him learn and grow from his mistakes. i hope everything works out for you and your fam...i know it is easy for me to give advice when i'm not in the situation and as a mother i know how deep your love goes for your child whether they are 8 months or 80 yrs old or any age in between.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

my eldest daughter lived with me until she was 21.5. just 5 months ago she finally got her own apartment. now she is talking about coming back home. and i will let her. 

she is my daughter, she is not on drugs, or runs around, partys or other things. i dont see any reason why she cant come back home if she needs to. parenthood doesnt stop just because the kids turns 18. she makes her own decisions but she knows i will always be there to catch her fall if needed. 

what is the big deal? just because she is 18, who cares. my daughter went to college right out of high school, and after one semester decided it wasnt for her. she flopped around for a while trying to find her nitch in life. and sometimes it wasnt easy having her here. but again big deal. if you are in a position to help your children then i dont see why you cant. dont get me wrong, if she was really messing up, asking money so she can get drugs, partying and going home with anyone she met at the bar. then yes, i would put my foot down. 

and so what if the 16 year old comes and goes as she wants to. dont they all after a while anyway? i have an open door policy. family is welcome no matter what, heck, dont even have to knock, just walk right in. we are family for god sakes. 

i am alittle confused. the 16 year old b/f is in jail? and moving back home or the 18 year old is living at home? was the 16 year old out of the hospital and leaving with the b/f? how did that happen? at 16 she is still under your care and custody. you are responsible for her actions in the court of law. why wouldnt you want her home where you can watch her and disciple her and make sure she takes her meds? you can help her make the right decisions so she doesnt go back to that environment or get her back into therapy or in the hospital? if it is the 16 year old, and she is now well behaved and planning to go to college, again what is the problem? as long as she follows the rules of the house then why cant she stay as long as she needs or wants to?

i know society as a whole frowns on children staying in the parents house after they turn 18. but i think that is a crock of sh*t. i dont know why your husband feels so strongly that she has to leave. is she disrespectful to him, is she stealing from you? is she defiant? maybe you need to dig deeper and find out what he is thinking and feeling about this. 

so my vote, is let her stay home for as long as she wants or needs to within reason, and as long as she is "behaving".


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