# ok what's next



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Gonna be doin the 180, but now I wonder, what do I do next since I asked him to leave tonight. This exposure thing gets tricky, as I don't want the world to know about my mistakes he and i made before this, I am ashamed and embarrassed at what we did. His sister who knew all before knows. I can't very well make him out to be the complete and utter fiend when I did stuff equally bad before. My mother, sister and a good mutual friend know, he told his sis, bro in law and a good male mutual friend, who do I expose to? His family doesn't really get into each others business, so I tell them everything, I run the risk of them hating me forever if we do reconcile.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

lets say you guys work it out... 10 years passes and all is unicorns and rainbows...

Who do you want to still lable you as the "blank" and him as the "blank" 

That is who you should tell.

People who are not as invested in the relationship as you are great at labling couples.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Ok so you are suggesting I tell people that would label us for the rest of our life? I am confused....wouldn't I tell people that are invested in the relationship?


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

paramore said:


> Ok so you are suggesting I tell people that would label us for the rest of our life? I am confused....wouldn't I tell people that are invested in the relationship?


Others may disagree with me but, since you both have indescretions, it's no one else's business. You sound like a nice person and I commend you for trying but that's the only moral high ground that you have is that you're trying so there is very little reason to tell anyone else. I actually agree with the 180 thing more than any other method of bringing back the WS but, if he doesn't want to make things right, it's on him. You tried, you should have no more regrets, you've hit bottom and are now clawing your way up that's what a human being does. He's wallowing in self pity sounds like, he's not improving himself, he's not evolving. He's staying static, you're growing, all that's left is for him to catch up or you to leave him behind. 

Don't misunderstand, I'm rooting for you.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

This is true MM. I am just secondguessing myself so badly right now, because now he can call her and talk to her all evening, in addition to during the day. Talking to her about things that he talks to me about, at least when he was here, he could see the changes in me. Now he's over at sisters, he can't see me at all. Sure I can 180, which I will do, but it sucks because he won't be able to see it. I am just scared to death right now I made things worse. I know it's normal to hesitate and second guess myself, but I am not sure if the sister would actually say to him, you are married, I will not tolerate you talking to this woman in my house. You are still married to my sister in law and should act as such. I did ask her to tell me if for any reason he doesn't come home some night. She is going to try and convince him to at least do individual counseling, it does help that she agrees with my point of view.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

paramore said:


> This is true MM. I am just secondguessing myself so badly right now, because now he can call her and talk to her all evening, in addition to during the day. Talking to her about things that he talks to me about, at least when he was here, he could see the changes in me. Now he's over at sisters, he can't see me at all. Sure I can 180, which I will do, but it sucks because he won't be able to see it. I am just scared to death right now I made things worse. I know it's normal to hesitate and second guess myself, but I am not sure if the sister would actually say to him, you are married, I will not tolerate you talking to this woman in my house. You are still married to my sister in law and should act as such. I did ask her to tell me if for any reason he doesn't come home some night. She is going to try and convince him to at least do individual counseling, it does help that she agrees with my point of view.


Just to let you know about hitting bottom, it's more work than you think. You're a strong person, space monkey, remember that but never forget that you're also weak. That's what it means to be human. 

I agree with 180 because it causes you to let go, control is an illusion cast upon you by those who would control you. The marriage is not broken, that much is certain. You are trying to make things work and he doesn't want to or, at least, right now he doesn't At this point, you really can't control his actions, he'll have to see how much of a jacka$$ he's being and work on his side of things so that you can work on the whole thing together. All you can do is work on you. 

The fact that he's away from you may be a blessing in disguise because since he probably won't see you as much, it's going to be an even bigger shock to his system when you improve yourself. Go out and hit the gym, fit into that pair of jeans you've always wanted to, doll yourself up, work on that project you've always wanted to tackle, read that book you've wanted to read, learn a new language, switch your ass and sway your hips when you walk, not because it may attract someone's attention but because you are that fine so you get to switch your ass and sway your hips. Sooner or later, this new penny is going to lose it's shine and he's going to see you and say "damn." If he says "damn," you got him back whether he knows it or not. If he doesn't then the relationship is over. It's not the end of the world but at least you tried and you can start over with another person or him again in the future but new and improved with the work you've done on yourself.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

The thing that sucks is he IS the kind of guy with a streak of stubborn pride, he could very well say well whatever, I can see him looking at me and and wanting me back but withdrawing and just take it as I'm moving on without him and I don't want him back. It sucks that it could backfire lol, well tomorrow the sun WILL rise.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

paramore said:


> The thing that sucks is he IS the kind of guy with a streak of stubborn pride, he could very well say well whatever, I can see him looking at me and and wanting me back but withdrawing and just take it as I'm moving on without him and I don't want him back. It sucks that it could backfire lol, well tomorrow the sun WILL rise.


Well, figure that part out, you know him better than us. If that is how he takes it, that's on him. I have a fierce independent streak that I am getting over as well but every man knows a good thing when he sees it, just make sure he knows that it's his if he wants it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

The good thing is though now that I know for sure, the ball in my stomach is gone, i am not shaking nearly as bad, not obsessing, (well quite as bad) that nervous feeling in my chest has gotten quite less, and I know you mean the best, I didn't misunderstand what you were saying.

I did bad, I know that, there's no reason to add another rock onto a already huge mountain of problems though. He has to have a clear head to make a decision about his future, and what he is doing isn't going to get him to that clarity.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

and I just logged onto his fb, there was a message between him and first EA, him saying sorry haven't contacted u for so long, jen found about this girl and made me delete you from my phone, and she made me give her my pw to my email and stuff (he forgot he did give me his fb pw teehee)
She answered another girl after me? I dont even know who u are anymore, guess you have them everywhere, take care of yourself guess you're back to square one....well I gotz smart and printed it out lol, and prayin he doesn't remember giving me his fb pw.

I did know that he had asked if he could message her in my view, she has contracted a very serious palsy and he wanted to see how she was, I had never said yay or nay, but the effer went and did it after I went to bed, guess there was yet another lie in his belt loop.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

what i was saying is dont tell people, because 20 years down the road you will still be known as "That Couple"


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

ahhhh I see lol, that's what I thought you meant.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

MisguidedMiscreant said:


> I agree with 180 because it causes you to let go, control is an illusion cast upon you by those who would control you. The marriage is not broken, that much is certain. You are trying to make things work and he doesn't want to or, at least, right now he doesn't At this point, you really can't control his actions, he'll have to see how much of a jacka$$ he's being and work on his side of things so that you can work on the whole thing together. All you can do is work on you.


I meant that the marriage is "now" broken. You can build another one with him or anyone else though. Sounds like he's content on being a jacka$$, just keeping working on yourself, the ball is in his court.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

will do. Still doing the secondguessing, but I am gonna move forward, cuz I know he's pissed at me, I hate fog. The funny thing is I haven't really cried yet, the last week I cried constantly. I am not sure if I'm numb, because I feel alright. I just wonder if I'll be better now cuz I have the truth. Possible that a day or two from now I'm gonna crash, but I am not bawling my eyes out.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

paramore said:


> will do. Still doing the secondguessing, but I am gonna move forward, cuz I know he's pissed at me, I hate fog. The funny thing is I haven't really cried yet, the last week I cried constantly. I am not sure if I'm numb, because I feel alright. I just wonder if I'll be better now cuz I have the truth. Possible that a day or two from now I'm gonna crash, but I am not bawling my eyes out.


You probably are numb to it all, that can be a good thing. The more detached you are, the easier it is to work on you. If this is how he's acting, he's just making more work for himself to reconnect to you. His bottom seems to be further down than yours so he still hasn't hit bottom, or, keep in mind that this may just be who he is now. I don't think people think about the fact that people change as well. 

FYI, you hit bottom when you get to the point where you have to take stock in what you've done and have to look in the mirror and decide to either climb back up or wait in the pit for it to be all over. All that crying you did sounds like you hitting bottom.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Yeah I was on pins and needles all week, set myself back emotionally 3 effin months. Kept checking the minutes used on our plan, constantly checking his stuff bursting into tears over every little thing, trying to be absolutely perfect to try and make him happy, make him realize how hard I'm trying, hard to do when you're emotionally shattered. The constant ball in my belly and nervous tingles in my heart, and constant shaking wasn't much fun either. I was seriously thinking I was having a nervous breakdown, I almost checked myself into the hospital. Now I gotta start all over again lol. Shoot better yet, someone make a magic time machine to take me back 6 months. As for being who he is? I don't think so, because I see my husband there all the time, when we are laughing and joking and hanging out. These last couple of years have just messed up both emotionally, we weren't in our right minds. I was able to switch my appt from thursday to today, I am not even gonna tell him, he wasn't gonna go anyways. After what happened last night, I didn't wanna wait, wonder if I am gonna be popping some happy pills by the end of the day LOL!!! Maybe we'll see.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

My dear paramore, stop torturing yourself.

more info will not help you make a decision. make a choice. take action on that choice.

If you do only one thing today, download or find some tony robbins "personal power" cds or audio clips and listen to them.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

oh I know, I am just taking baby steps I am in a better place than midnight, by 5 am I was better, and I am doing better now, I didn't sleep at all but an hour last night, oddly i feel ok. I am just thrilled I could get into the dr today instead waiting til Thursday. It's gonna be so hard tonight when it gets to be the time he comes home lol. It took a long time the first time to be alone when he left the first time, *sighs*. I got my sh*tkickers on, literally, time to start digging them into the rungs.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

i dont really care if you cant stand him... crank this up.

YouTube - Eminem - Not Afraid

Not Afraid - Eminem

You can thank me later. 

"when i say something i do it!" just keep repeating that


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I love Eminem lol


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

paramore said:


> I love Eminem lol


Eh, do you really think pills are the answer?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

no not necessarily, I was on zoloft for awhile a few years back for depression and it seemed to do ok, I am on the fence about them. I mean look at the point I got to lol. Nah i am gonna wait and see what the counseler says, perhaps I'll consider short term, maybe I won't. It's gonna be nice outside soon, maybe just until then, I dunno, just gonna wait and see.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

paramore said:


> no not necessarily, I was on zoloft for awhile a few years back for depression and it seemed to do ok, I am on the fence about them. I mean look at the point I got to lol. Nah i am gonna wait and see what the counseler says, perhaps I'll consider short term, maybe I won't. It's gonna be nice outside soon, maybe just until then, I dunno, just gonna wait and see.


I'm just saying that you're strong enough without them. You'd be better served finding out what's causing all of this and neutralizing it. Pills tend to mask pain, pain let's you know what you need to do, that you need to make a change. Pain let's you know you're alive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Ive notice that some people get lost in the pain.

One thing I have had to learn to deal with is my wifes anxiety. I mean for me, making decisions are like breathing.

Pipe is broken, go to store, buy pipe, put pipe in. But my wife might see the pipe, and curl up in a ball and drown in water... pill could be the answer for some people. Bottom line is that if you cant think right without pills, then you need to what it takes to think right.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

well I got off scott free, no pills for this girl, wasn't even brought up lol. Basically bawled my eyes out the whole time lol. Tons of triggers, I saw one of his work trucks, it wasn't him thank god. I saw his work clothes when i got home, almost bawled, see his pillow want to cry, but it will come with time.


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