# Was I molested or just really stupid years ago?



## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

I'm doing an exercise from a book; where you right out your most defining life changing experiences; so here’s the first 18 years of my life before marriage. MY QUESTION TO YOU READES; WAS I MOLESTED OR JUST REALLY STUPID? (some of this is about my feelings at that age, sorry, it's an exercise from a book I'm reading, a little long)
"Life Chain; Defining moments."
AGE -5
My parents divorce. Seeing my dad hit my mom, I think he banged her head against the wall and caused it to bleed. I remember seeing blood on my mom’s hand. I think it was an apartment. I must have been 4 or 5. I felt bad for my mom. I couldn’t help her when she was crying and sad. 
Although I have good memories and my mom tried hard to keep her family together. My parents fought. I'm confused, upset and afraid. I don’t know how to help my mom. I’m helpless. I wish I could tell my parents that what they did, I still remember and it impacted my memories. I wish I would of made better choices in MY life and not repeat what they did.
age 5/6; 
Lived with Gma & Gpa for a little while. I felt safe and good. We went on vacations, family life was good. Grandma helped me learn to read, provided a home atmosphere. She made me feel safe. I never saw Gma & Gpa fight. I saw respect for each other. I saw real love. I saw humor and felt secure. She built her home with nice things and showed kids how to respect property and to take care of things and keep things clean. She was mentally stable. 
Hard to write this out; 
AGE maybe 7 or 8: we moved in with my now step dad. I was unsure of my mom’s boyfriend he was funny and would make me laugh. He had a small apartment. I had to sleep on the couch. One night my mom asked him to bring me in to bed with her, so he thought I was asleep, when he picked me up to carry me in the room, he put his hand under my underwear and touched me there briefly. I never told anyone. I wish he wouldn’t of done that. I don’t know if he knew I was faking sleep at that moment. But I never told anyone. He also once accidentally walked in when I was changing my clothes. I really do believe that was an accident then. He quickly closed the door. But those two things still bother me. Because he did touch me - and I never confronted anyone. He never touched me again. 
I still think about that time he did that. But all the other years, he was my dad and I forgave him because he was being a dad after that. He never did it again and I feel confident he never did stuff to my sister or brother. I think he made a decision a long time ago he wasn’t like that and was a family man. I never saw him do bad stuff like that again. I see him as a strong leader and business man that built his life for his family.

AGE 8/9; Around the same time; my mom’s then boyfriend (now / my step dad) had a family member of his come for a visit. This guy was younger - maybe an older teen - maybe 16. Anyways we were playing in the pool together. The adults were all talking and barbequing. so no one was really watching us in the pool. He was throwing me in the deep end and then grabbing me up and then tossing me back in. While he was tossing me back and forth - he was grabbing my privates under the water. It made me uncomfortable because his hands were going under my bathing suite and he kept doing it. I was grasping for air because I couldn’t swim, he was holding my body trying to "help me learn to swim". And he held me asking me are you alright. I just wanted to reach the bottom of the pool by myself and get out of the deep end. But I didn’t tell him to stop. During the same visit, he walked in on me in the bathroom changing out of my bathing suite. He just smiled and didn’t close the door right away. I remember at around the same time period - after he left; I was upset at my mom and couldn’t talk to her. I was angry at her - I think I was jealous she was spending time with her new boyfriend. I locked myself in the bathroom - I was so mad I snapped the hairbrush in half. I couldn’t believe my anger and I hid in the bathroom crying, holding the broken brush. I used the excuse that I was upset that I broke the brush. But I look back and realize that I was upset at my mom because of maybe being touched and I didn’t want to tell her because I didn't want to make her unhappy because she obviously looked happy. so I didn’t want to ruin her happiness with her new boyfriend. I think I missed my grandmother and that secure feeling.
I struggle with these memories. Because I would have never looked back and combined these memories until this exercise. It makes me see him as a predator that has sex addiction issues and turned out to be a pervert. ( His own daughter left her family at 16 and never turned back, she moved in with her friends house). That speaks volumes. I think he might of touched his daughter. I feel bad I didn’t tell people. But at the time I fantasized about this same man and have been confused. but looking back, I think maybe he was / is a molester.
Later AGE 10; This same teen that came to visit. We were at another "get together" at a family's member’s house. He kept smiling at me. I guess I must have been staring at him. He started to wink at me when no one was looking. My thought was - he thinks I'm cute. He likes me. Wow he's so much older. I must of been 10 then. So I liked the attention of the boy. No other boy had ever paid attention to me before. And to think he was older -and would even think of looking at "me".
I now think he was grooming me for later. Someone that old shouldn’t be touching or winking at a little girl - I recognize that now that I'm a parent, but I didn’t know that back then. But must of known it was wrong because I never told anyone. And let it happen. (that's what I struggle with).
The teenager left out of state. I didn’t see him for a few years. Until after my mom married her boyfriend and we became a family. The teenager came a couple times for summer visits. He would work during the summer with my step dad. 
AGE 11/12; One summer I must of been 11 or 12, my parents went to bed. This teen turned up the air conditioner way low so it was freezing, and blowing right down on the couch. I was laying on the floor watching TV. I had my long john PJ's on. He asked me to get on the couch with him to watch TV. He was being so nice. So I said ok. I started to shake when he wanted to lay together. He unzipped my PJ's and put his hand on my body. I had never been touched like that before. He said to relax that he wasn’t hurting me. I said I was just cold. But I was shaking so much even my teeth were chattering. I couldn’t talk I was so cold, so I said nothing. After that event/ the next thing I remember is that we never mentioned him touching me. He would wink at me and be nice. I told no one - not even friends he touched me. Once he left; I fantasized about him being my boyfriend that maybe he would wait for me to grow up and we would get married. (Okay I was young and stupid) but that was my girl thoughts. I fantasized and wished him to come back. *Why on earth would I do that if that experience was wrong and scared me?*
Maybe because I didn’t have anything else to compare to, what a boyfriend does and what relationships are. So I thought it was a relationship or fantasized about it. But looking back, now that I have young adult sons, I would of never in a million years thought it okay for one of my sons to do that to a little young girl. I would get my son some help because I would assume that he was becoming a pedophile. *( so I think maybe I found my answer).*
But again, I didn’t recognize it as being wrong back then. The only thing I recall me thinking was that "he wasn’t a blood family member". I don’t recall anyone telling me about older guys touching young kids. That was never something on my mind. Not until I got older and had my own kids. So- the hard part; 
AGE 16; when I was 16 this young man/family friend came to live with us. He was in his early 20's. he worked with my dad, he lived with us until he could afford an apartment on his own. Of course I still had those school girl crush feelings. I had always wanted to meet up with him, I thought about him romantically still. SO one night he came into my bedroom and woke me up. He was in his robe. He had no clothes on. He showed me his P. I was lying in my bed. He put it up to my mouth and said to open my mouth. I did. He told me it was our little secret. Basically he taught me how to perform oral sex. So he visited my room a few more times. A few months later, we had intercourse. He never kissed me, it wasn’t loving at all. My first time, He told me "how do you ever expect to get a boyfriend if you don’t do these things. I'm teaching you." Eventually I told a couple of my friends. But I told them in a way that made me look like he was my secret boyfriend. Well, they all had relationships and boyfriends. So I made it seem as if we were a couple that had to sneak so my parents wouldn't know. But looking back, it was my fantasy. We weren't a couple at all. My friends made sure to get me to a clinic and get me on the pill. I think I had intercourse with him about 4-5 times. But looking back, he only wanted to pleasure himself. I created a fake romantic relationship out of something that wasn’t romantic at all. I feel so stupid and ashamed for that! How dumb was I. 
My next couple of relationships- I thought if I were having sex with these boys, they would be exclusive to me and we were boyfriend and girlfriend. But I guess I never asked. We would go out on dates, but no discussion of being exclusive. I just never spoke up and always would assume. 
After I was with other boys- 3 others before my husband, I realized - these boys kissed me. I loved kissing and touching. Comparing these boys to this other guy (my first experience) he wasn’t into me at all. He wanted to gratify himself only. I look back and would think this guy is a sex addict. Possibly a molester. Why did I do those things and why did I let that happen? 
I did have some issues with getting close and feeling dirty when I was first with my husband when we were dating. He would ask, were you raped when you were younger? What the heck is wrong with you? I felt guilt a lot of the times. But my husband was also much older than me. I was 19, he was 27. I learned from him the difference in making love and having sex. I didn’t realize there was a difference until I was with him. But later on in our marriage he always wished I was a virgin and would throw guilt trips my way. I never felt comfortable telling him of my past experiences. He assumed since I wasn't a virgin that I knew what I was doing and was experienced and later as our marriage went on, he would start calling me insulting names, W,C,S...all kinds of not so loving names. Because I wasn’t his little virgin and been with others, so I wasn’t pure. 
So then the relationship with my husband began……..


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

the first instances. i would defninately say you should have told someone. the last, well im five years older than my wife, and got her when she was eighteen, so im not sure that is as big of a deal?
i do think you being female makes you much more susceptible and effected by it. And the first instances you DEFINATELY should have told someone. That is the wrong way to learn about your sexuality, just wrong.

I lost my virginity to a much older married woman personally. And i was pretty young. ill admit, it did effect me possibly in negative ways. Not sure what ways but i did learn quick...But i wasnt complaining i was loving it. Mom and Dad never knew. i actually slept with her on and off for YEARS. Right into adult hood. Hell, she gave me advice on my girlfriends and screwed me in between them. Not like i was complaining she became a key point in my life. i wouldnt have sex with her if i had another girl i was sleeping with..
so i guess i was technically molested, but i sure did enjoy it. In your case i definatley think you should have told someone. Especially on the first instances.


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

The thing that bothers me is the same teen when I was touched as a young little girl, was also the same person I had my first sexual experiances with at 16...I see him now as a perv.


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

AND on the subject of not being a virgin for good 'ol hubby. It bothers HIM. Not me. (just to clarify) He just put me through head trips over the years. But I'm realizing he's just an idiot that has his own problems. AND that his opinions don't count in my book anymore.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

Readytogo said:


> AND on the subject of not being a virgin for good 'ol hubby. It bothers HIM. Not me. (just to clarify) He just put me through head trips over the years. But I'm realizing he's just an idiot that has his own problems. AND that his opinions don't count in my book anymore.


Most guys like settling down with virgins or less experienced women.
we just do.
we are visual and hate picturing someone else screwing our girl. and we cant help but see that visual.

but it also helps to remember that everyone does things they regret, and has stupid moments when they are younger and to not hold their entire life history against them.


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

bribrius said:


> Most guys like settling down with virgins or less experienced women.
> we just do.
> we are visual and hate picturing someone else screwing our girl. and we cant help but see that visual.
> 
> but it also helps to remember that everyone does things they regret, and has stupid moments when they are younger and to not hold their entire life history against them.


EXACTLY why I've never told him my history. Because he would of held it against me! And brought it up later during fights etc..


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Ready - touching of anyones 'private parts' without consent is a criminal offence. To be able to give 'consent' you have to be of legal age andsound mind. That is, a person of 21+ (depending on country etc) who has severe mental issues is not deemed capable of giving consent because he/she does not know what sex is.

What happened to you was clearly criminal....what you have to do now is deal with it. That might mean going to the Police, or confronting the people about it in private or simply going to counselling. 

A couple of weeks ago my son (11yrs) and I were at a swimming pool and walked past a lavatory...standing in the doorway was a little boy aged about 6yrs who was clearly distressed and sobbing with his swimming costume half down... I asked him what the matter was....'I can't get my costume up'....I didnt even think twice...I went to help him but suddenly stopped....and asked my son to help him instead.
Why did I stop?....because I could be accused of molestation....I am an adult, a father and was with my 11yr old son but I felt I could not help this little boy pull his costume up...that is what society has done.

There have been occasions when my young daughter has come to me saying 'Daddy, my thingie is sore'....and as her FATHER I have felt awkward...as her father I shouldnt have to think twice about looking at my 3/4/5/6/7/8yr old daughters 'privates' when she says she is sore... Or we take 'home' photos of our children splashing around naked in a paddling pool and the photo shop refuses to print them because they are indecent...

This is what political correctness has driven us to. Isnt it sad, very sad....

Sorry for hijacking. Whinge over!


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

bribrius said:


> Most guys like settling down with virgins or less experienced women.
> we just do.
> we are visual and hate picturing someone else screwing our girl. and we cant help but see that visual.


That may be _your _preference, but I don't agree with your generalization.

Personally, I always preferred a woman who knew her own body and level of desire. That avoids later conflict and remorse.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> A couple of weeks ago my son (11yrs) and I were at a swimming pool and walked past a lavatory...standing in the doorway was a little boy aged about 6yrs who was clearly distressed and sobbing with his swimming costume half down... I asked him what the matter was....'I can't get my costume up'....I didnt even think twice...I went to help him but suddenly stopped....and asked my son to help him instead.
> Why did I stop?....because I could be accused of molestation....I am an adult, a father and was with my 11yr old son but I felt I could not help this little boy pull his costume up...that is what society has done.


I know exactly what you mean. I have physical education teacher colleagues that refuse to touch the students even when they are doing possibly dangerous things because they'd rather one got hurt than have pedophile accusations hanging on them...


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

7737 said:


> Ready - touching of anyones 'private parts' without consent is a criminal offence. To be able to give 'consent' you have to be of legal age andsound mind. That is, a person of 21+ (depending on country etc) who has severe mental issues is not deemed capable of giving consent because he/she does not know what sex is.
> 
> What happened to you was clearly criminal....what you have to do now is deal with it. That might mean going to the Police, or confronting the people about it in private or simply going to counselling.
> 
> ...



No. I appreciate your comments. thank you.


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

FrenchFry said:


> So A) Hubby needs to get over your prior sexual status. You got married, you are faithful, and you are absolutely right that it is his issue and it's COMPLETELY f-ed up that he held your experiences whatever they were against you instead of seeing them as what helped to make you you. He married you, he needs to get the f over it. (this makes me really mad, sorry.)
> 
> Well, long marraige history. I'm wanting to leave him, just getting up the nerve to and figuring out how.
> 
> ...




I've felt that way for a long time. And angry at him, but I just dont understand why I would create a relationship out of THAT -a predator type person. At 16 I should of said "no" - I wasnt 10 anymore. But like you said about teens not knowing right from wrong. I was really stupid and naive.
I guess the good out of this, is I've always been able to talk to my sons and they could always ask and come to me with anything. 
It made me more aware of my kids surroundings.


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

jaharthur said:


> That may be _your _preference, but I don't agree with your generalization.
> 
> Personally, I always preferred a woman who knew her own body and level of desire. That avoids later conflict and remorse.



That sounds like a more healthy mature relationship!


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Readytogo said:


> The thing that bothers me is the same teen when I was touched as a young little girl, was also the same person I had my first sexual experiances with at 16...I see him now as a perv.


I have studied some child psychology, while in school, and learned a lot about my own childhood. First of all, yes you were molested as a child, the decision you made as teenager, had it been with another teenager would have been classified as "normal", however since it was him, there are several elements in your brain that came into play.... there is actually a name for it, but I don't remember, where a child develops an attachment to their abuser (and since this happened over an extended period of time and was not your typical molestation, it was progressive with your age, and your sexuality) I would seek some counseling if you find this affects you sexually now. That being said, since he was an adult (and had previously abused you) he definitely was in the wrong and that is considered statutory rape in many states or indecent liberties with a minor... 
Your progression later to be a bit promiscuous, curious and struggling to find out what love is, feeling it is required... (I could've written part of your story myself) is a totally normal psychological response to someone who was molested and abandoned by the "father".... so is having issues in any long term relationship (on many levels) now just sexually. 
I would seriously suggest counseling. Individual, and telling your husband about this if you haven't already. It will help him understand!!


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> I have studied some child psychology, while in school, and learned a lot about my own childhood. First of all, yes you were molested as a child, the decision you made as teenager, had it been with another teenager would have been classified as "normal", however since it was him, there are several elements in your brain that came into play.... there is actually a name for it, but I don't remember, where a child develops an attachment to their abuser (and since this happened over an extended period of time and was not your typical molestation, it was progressive with your age, and your sexuality) I would seek some counseling if you find this affects you sexually now. That being said, since he was an adult (and had previously abused you) he definitely was in the wrong and that is considered statutory rape in many states or indecent liberties with a minor...
> Your progression later to be a bit promiscuous, curious and struggling to find out what love is, feeling it is required... (I could've written part of your story myself) is a totally normal psychological response to someone who was molested and abandoned by the "father".... so is having issues in any long term relationship (on many levels) now just sexually.
> I would seriously suggest counseling. Individual, and telling your husband about this if you haven't already. It will help him understand!!



Unfortunatly I dont have a good relationship with my husband. I met him at 19, (he was 27); married him at 21. And 25 years later -I am ready to get the heck out of here. I've learned that he is a controlling abusive, manipulator who lies. (I used to chalk it up as jelousy and "I can fix him by showing him love-and prove myself".)

So, In my case I don't have his love or support. I'm very angry at him. He's cheated more than once on me. And believe he's up to no good again. I don't have alot of friends. Lost them after I married. 
So-I have made 2 appts to seek counceling through a local group here. I've chickened out 2 X's. 
I've got a call to reschedule AGAIN. I'm asking for help on how to safely get a divorce without getting hurt in the process.
He's a whole nother thread.


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