# Am I the only Wife with high sex drive?



## SassyMe (4 mo ago)

Hi, 
I’m new here, first post! I see all these post of husbands with the cliché wives not wanting sex, and I’m truly thinking why?
H38 me36 together 17yr married 10! I’m ALWAYS the initiator. And reject 90% of the time. We are toooo young to live like this. Sex only once or twice a month in you 30s is insane! He always says he’s tired or tomorrow. My H is diabetic and his numbers were high; I really think he has damaged his drive and ability to perform the same. He often has trouble getting fully up and staying there. My having a O is rare and his take forever. I literally stay up late most night to please myself.
Any othe wives have husbands that aren’t into sex.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

You're not the only one @SassyMe, there are many women like you who are sharing nominally sexual relationships with men who seldom or never want to share sex with them.

Of which you might find the following discussion created by @EleGirl, to be helpful reading.









The Sex Starved Wife


I would like this thread to be a resource for women who are in sexless, or near sexless marriages in which it is their husbands who don’t want sex. I’m hoping that women dealing with this issue will post and talk about what they are going through. About 20% of marriages are sexless. A sexless...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SassyMe said:


> Hi,
> I’m new here, first post! I see all these post of husbands with the cliché wives not wanting sex, and I’m truly thinking why?
> H38 me36 together 17yr married 10! I’m ALWAYS the initiator. And reject 90% of the time. We are toooo young to live like this. Sex only once or twice a month in you 30s is insane! He always says he’s tired or tomorrow. My H is diabetic and his numbers were high; I really think he has damaged his drive and ability to perform the same. He often has trouble getting fully up and staying there. My having a O is rare and his take forever. I literally stay up late most night to please myself.
> Any othe wives have husbands that aren’t into sex.


And here's another thread on the topic of women and sex drive.
Women - what's your sex drive like? | Talk About Marriage


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

SassyMe said:


> Hi,
> I’m new here, first post! I see all these post of husbands with the cliché wives not wanting sex, and I’m truly thinking why?
> H38 me36 together 17yr married 10! I’m ALWAYS the initiator. And reject 90% of the time. We are toooo young to live like this. Sex only once or twice a month in you 30s is insane! He always says he’s tired or tomorrow. My H is diabetic and his numbers were high; I really think he has damaged his drive and ability to perform the same. He often has trouble getting fully up and staying there. My having a O is rare and his take forever. I literally stay up late most night to please myself.
> Any othe wives have husbands that aren’t into sex.


It is said that all men think about is X and have been described as X beasts.
But for what I have read and the videos I have watched on YouTube, it appears many women can be much more s*xually orientated and promiscuous than men.
Have any of you ever eavesdropped on women's conversations? I have and been shocked.
You said your husband is diabetic, which is probably the cause of his low libido or could be he`s no longer attracted to you for whatever reason. So yes, you have a problem. 
Have you tried taking your husband for professional medical advice or marriage counseling? 
You really need to discuss how you feel with your husband and be completely upfront with him, that due to this problem you are not happy in the marriage, and according to how he responds you then have to decide your way forward from there.
Being realistic, you need to get something sorted while you`re still young enough to make a fresh start if need be.
Hope things work out for the better and be resolved one way or another.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

SassyMe said:


> Hi,
> I’m new here, first post! I see all these post of husbands with the cliché wives not wanting sex, and I’m truly thinking why?
> *H38 me36 together 17yr married 10!* I’m ALWAYS the initiator. And reject 90% of the time. We are toooo young to live like this. Sex only once or twice a month in you 30s is insane! He always says he’s tired or tomorrow. *My H is diabetic and his numbers were high; I really think he has damaged his drive and ability to perform the same*. He often has trouble getting fully up and staying there. My having a O is rare and his take forever. I literally stay up late most night to please myself.
> Any othe wives have husbands that aren’t into sex.


A few things first. Have your H go to a doctor and get checked out medically. Change the foods you eat to help him control his blood sugar. Also are there things you can do like inviting him to go for walks with you to increase his exercise? Diet and exercise are critical in controlling type 2 diabetes. Type 2 can not only destroy a man's ability to have sex, but it can also shorten his life and ED can be a symptom of heart disease. If he doesn't want to go, ask him as a favor because you love him and want to grow old with him.

If he is over weight, read up on Metabolic Syndrome. The excess belly fat can actually change a man's testosterone into estrogen, further cutting his sex drive. Metabolic Syndrome and Type 2 diabetes go hand in hand and are often associated with low testosterone levels, low vitamin D levels, low sex drive, etc. This could mostly be a medical problem.

Now I would like to take a moment to do the math. "......H38 me36 together 17yr married 10!....."
So you got married when you were 26 and you have "been together" since you were 19 and he was 21. That means you got paired up pretty early before you were really adults. People grow up and change a lot since their early 20's.

Someone else suggested the M.W. Davis book the Sex Starved Wife. I agree. MW Davis book the Sex Starved Marriage helped save my marriage, along with the help of a Sex Therapist/marriage counselor. Davis has lots of ideas on things you can do to improve yourself and your marriage.

Another author, Dr. David Scharch has a series of books, the Passionate Marriage (a long hard read), The Crucible, and Intimacy & Desire. A few of the concepts he has that helped me as the HD partner to an LD spouse were: 

Marriage is a constant set of negotiations, as one is always emotionally growing faster than the other.
You first lean how to live together and share responsibilities
You have children and that changes the dynamic in your marriage
The children grow up and you have an empty nest and have to establish new patterns
You retire and have to deal with more time together
You gets old and one gets fraile and needs to be taken care of.

There is no right amount of anything in marriage (again it is negotiated)
There is no correct amount of Saturday/Sunday football watched on TV
There is no correct amount of chocolate ice cream to be consumed after dinner during a week
There is no correct amount of sex to have in a week or month

Marriage is the hardest thing possible, if done correctly
Marriage is a people building process that takes two individuals and under heat and pressure forges them into a single family unit.
To have real intimacy and feel sexual desire, you must bravely become vulnerable and self differentiate yourself from your partner.
Once your H gets checked out medically and while he is getting control of his blood sugar levels, you can work on yourself and your attitude. Having been in your position with an LD spouse, I sympathize with you. At times I felt like I was a victim being married to a frigid ice queen. After reading a lot and a lot of self-introspection, I realized that slowly over time we had drifted apart and we needed to reverse things and try to move together or end our marriage. You can not change your partner, only they can change themself and only if they want to. You can show them that change is possible. You can support their changes and give them positive feedback, but ultimately, it is up to them. The thing you can do and that I found very hard, was to absolutely forgive your spouse for the pain you felt. I learned in Sex Therapy with my wife that I had hurt her and she had suffered as well.

An yes we have sex twice a week now and have been married 51 years. Change can happen. Good luck.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

is it Type 1 or Type 2 diabetes?


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## Loves Coffee (4 mo ago)

SassyMe said:


> Hi,
> I’m new here, first post! I see all these post of husbands with the cliché wives not wanting sex, and I’m truly thinking why?
> H38 me36 together 17yr married 10! I’m ALWAYS the initiator. And reject 90% of the time. We are toooo young to live like this. Sex only once or twice a month in you 30s is insane! He always says he’s tired or tomorrow. My H is diabetic and his numbers were high; I really think he has damaged his drive and ability to perform the same. He often has trouble getting fully up and staying there. My having a O is rare and his take forever. I literally stay up late most night to please myself.
> Any othe wives have husbands that aren’t into sex.


I'm curious. You describe yourself as high libido, but how often are you initiating and wanting sex?

I see another good post here that has recommendations, so I won't repeat. I'm not familiar with diabetes, but I have heard it can cause issues. 

I would add one thing about ED. If your husband is getting anxiety over performance, the cure can be more sex. I don't know how diabetes plays in this, but here's what worked for me. Try to talk him into sex every day, but that it's ok if he loses his erection. The important thing is that he's doing it. It's a muscle like everything else and it can get stronger with use. If he loses erection or is just premature, then the pressure is off because no stress can just do it again as soon as he feels it. Do things for him that make it visual that you want him PIV like putting your hand on his hip or butt when thrusting to communicate you want more of that. Be subtle. A little of this goes a long way. Doing this for even just a couple of weeks can see big improvements like it did for me. He just has to have that performance anxiety removed and know that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Also, do lower effort positions like scissor and spoon at first until confidence is back.

Performance anxiety in a guy is a vicious cycle. He's not sure if he can do the deed, so starts to only go for it when he's confident he can follow through. It then feeds on itself and increases when more failures happen. I'm only talking about it because your description sounds like that is what is happening.

For his O taking forever. Have you tried kegels and tightening on him while PIV to increase stimulation? Certain positions combined with this can make things quick. Be careful not to overtighten or you could kill the erection lol. Having an O that takes forever could also be porn use + masturbation, but doesn't sound like the case here?

Also, go get cialis one a day. A 90 day script of that is only 30 or 40 bucks without insurance these days. This provides a more "normal" experience and can help remove anxiety as well. Levitra is take as you need and is like a nuke going off in your pants. Can easily go 2 or more times after taking one of those.

If it's not just anxiety but refusal to do anything and purposefully creating a dead bedroom, that's a different situation entirely.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

SassyMe said:


> He always says he’s tired or tomorrow. My H is diabetic and his numbers were high; I really think he has damaged his drive and ability to perform the same. He often has trouble getting fully up and staying there.


Unfortunately, diabetes is h3ll in many many ways. But will just say, I have a good friend who has had the disease for decades and his problem is like a lot of men, he is always ready to go and his wife isn't. I always think there ought to be some way to get all of the LD people to marry one another instead of torturing the HDs.

My friend watches his diet and weight, exercises, obeys the doctor's instructions. He is anything but tired ( fatigue is aspect of high blood insulin ). He does a 15 mile bicycle ride nearly every day. Keeps up a huge yard and house, hunts, fishes. I think he trying to keep his mind off of rare loving from his wife. So your husband, if he wanted to and worked at it, could address his issues. My friend is at least one example where his sex drive remains high. Oh and he is in his 70s !!


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

I may be strange, but I always prefer to initiate. Something about a guy being in charge in he bedroom. But it doesn’t sound like your H ever does that. If you didn’t initiate, how often do you think he would?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> is it Type 1 or Type 2 diabetes?


A good question.

Type I has no chance of reversal (to date).
Type II (might) have that possibility of reversal.

Getting lean and well exercised, eating a specific diet for diabetics might reduce or eliminate Type II diabetes.

Provided, of course, it has not gone on too long and he maintains his weight and diet for life.

That said, modern medicine has come a long way in treating Diabetes.

The biggest hurdles come from the patients themselves, often their unwillingness to lose weight is the biggest problem.
....................

Diabetes is the leading cause of ED in men.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

That twenty-five minutes of bedroom activity, or lack of it, makes or breaks, so many marriages.


_When the mind is willing and *the flesh*, yours, or your partners, is not willing, compromise is that hopeless resolution.

Resentment, often, builds its strongest case between the sheets.
That pillow case, gone flat, giving no support.

..........................................................................._

A very sympathetic MD Urologist *can* lead to a fix for your husbands condition.
Surgery is one such solution.

Finding such a doctor, as this, is difficult.

Your husband must be willing to do everything, anything, medically safe and prescribed.
Many men will not, for whatever reason.

_Good luck!_


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

I will just put this here. My husband sucks when it comes to our sex life. He doesn't initiate it. Ever. I always do. And it leaves me feeling - not wanted. Not desired. At times, it makes me extremely depressed. Sometimes he gets mad at me for asking for sex. He says it's not sexy. I would like for my husband to just .... be the aggressor and make me feel wanted. But I will never have it.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

SassyMe said:


> Hi,
> I’m new here, first post! I see all these post of husbands with the cliché wives not wanting sex, and I’m truly thinking why?
> H38 me36 together 17yr married 10! I’m ALWAYS the initiator. And reject 90% of the time. We are toooo young to live like this. Sex only once or twice a month in you 30s is insane! He always says he’s tired or tomorrow. My H is diabetic and his numbers were high; I really think he has damaged his drive and ability to perform the same. He often has trouble getting fully up and staying there. My having a O is rare and his take forever. I literally stay up late most night to please myself.
> Any othe wives have husbands that aren’t into sex.


I also have a very high drive, and my EX never wanted sex either. He had many SELFISH reasons for that though, not medical reasons.

You don't really give alot of detail in your post...are you looking to improve things with him, or just vent? Do you know if he watches porn and masturbates, or does he struggle to even do that because of his health?
Have you ever talked to him directly about your feelings about this and what your sexual needs are?

These are important questions to answer for any members here to advise you with what worked (or didn't work) for them.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> And it leaves me feeling - not wanted. Not desired. At times, it makes me extremely depressed.


This is how a spouse of either gender feels. Most of those posting on this site about these sex 'issues' are male, cuz as one female often posts, 'that is just how things are'. But there are a few females who have suffered at hands of their husband, sometimes for years. Treating a spouse this way is IMHO cruel and unusual punishment. They can't possibly have any love in their heart for someone they treat this way. It borders on the sadistic. Like keeping a dog chained in the backyard and never feeding it.



BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Sometimes he gets mad at me for asking for sex. He says it's not sexy.


What is really messed up. If you read through these threads you will see there are tons of men who would give their right arm if their wife asked. Or accepted their initiation. Some of them get told they are just sex maniacs for wanting a normal married relationship. A lot of them are rejected 9 of 10 times they ask.

It is a real shame that all of these 'LD' people can't just find one another and leave everyone else alone.

In OPs case, her husband has untreated major medical problems which is in a totally different category. Diabetes is a horrible disease that damages the body in many ways, ED being one.


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## SassyMe (4 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> is it Type 1 or Type 2 diabetes?


Type 2


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## SassyMe (4 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> I also have a very high drive, and my EX never wanted sex either. He had many SELFISH reasons for that though, not medical reasons.
> 
> You don't really give alot of detail in your post...are you looking to improve things with him, or just vent? Do you know if he watches porn and masturbates, or does he struggle to even do that because of his health?
> Have you ever talked to him directly about your feelings about this and what your sexual needs are?
> ...


Thank! I would say both! Just venting but definitely hoping it gets better. Our relationship is good outside of the bed room. And he says inside of the bed room it’s great( to him) I have, of course spoken to him about it. But he is content. And just says “I never stop” I asked they at least try once a week and it just never happens. He is working on his glucose numbers. Has gotten it pretty much together since being in the hospital in Jan. Stay up to date with taking his meds an insulin. But I fear the damage to his libido has been done . And he will not talk to anyone about that. I have


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## SassyMe (4 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> I may be strange, but I always prefer to initiate. Something about a guy being in charge in he bedroom. But it doesn’t sound like your H ever does that. If you didn’t initiate, how often do you think he would?


Probably once a month.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

SassyMe said:


> ........He is working on his glucose numbers. Has gotten it pretty much together since being in the hospital in Jan. Stay up to date with taking his meds an insulin. *But I fear the damage to his libido has been done *. And he will not talk to anyone about that. I have


One thing common with Type 2 Metobolic Syndorme is low Testosterone levels. When he was checked by the doctor or at his next medical blood tests, ask him to have his T-level checked and his Vitamin D level.

If that doesn't work Sex Therapists, which are often marriage counselors with extra training can do wonders. 

One common exercise is Sensate Focus exercises, which start with taking a break from sex to just focus on sensual touch. At first is is taking turns at touching with the partner focused on being touched. After you start to enjoy touching your partner for the sake of touching and being touched for the sake of being touched, then you gradually add foreplay and sexual touch. It is a great way to introduce sex back into a marriage where libido, rejection, guilt and other problems have pretty well destroyed a couples sex drives.

Sensate Focus Exercises

Good luck.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> One thing common with Type 2 Metobolic Syndorme is low Testosterone levels.


Exactly that... this was the point of my question.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

SassyMe said:


> Hi,
> I’m new here, first post! I see all these post of husbands with the cliché wives not wanting sex, and I’m truly thinking why?
> H38 me36 together 17yr married 10! I’m ALWAYS the initiator. And reject 90% of the time. We are toooo young to live like this. Sex only once or twice a month in you 30s is insane! He always says he’s tired or tomorrow. My H is diabetic and his numbers were high; I really think he has damaged his drive and ability to perform the same. He often has trouble getting fully up and staying there. My having a O is rare and his take forever. I literally stay up late most night to please myself.
> Any othe wives have husbands that aren’t into sex.


If tires all the time, he could have lot T. Tired, delayed orgasm, and trouble keeping an erection are signs.


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## Loves Coffee (4 mo ago)

SassyMe said:


> Just venting but definitely hoping it gets better.


If you don't take an active role in things you can't expect the situation to improve. Venting and hoping don't get you far.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

SassyMe said:


> Hi,
> I’m new here, first post! I see all these post of husbands with the cliché wives not wanting sex, and I’m truly thinking why?
> H38 me36 together 17yr married 10! I’m ALWAYS the initiator. And reject 90% of the time. We are toooo young to live like this. Sex only once or twice a month in you 30s is insane! He always says he’s tired or tomorrow. My H is diabetic and his numbers were high; I really think he has damaged his drive and ability to perform the same. He often has trouble getting fully up and staying there. My having a O is rare and his take forever. I literally stay up late most night to please myself.
> Any othe wives have husbands that aren’t into sex.


After my nephrectomy, found I got my libido back, but having some ED issues. Tested for low T...normal levels. It appears to be a combination of cancer/inflamation, weight and age. Have started worked out lt 7 weeks and down 30is pounds. 

Doctors told me weight is a big factor in sexual health.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Seems like we had another poster on with basically the same story in the not too distant past.


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