# He butts into my family



## Diane123 (Dec 18, 2012)

business. We aren't even married. We have been together for 5 yrs.

He has caused tension between me and my brother, daughter and parents and I am sick over it.

He has lectured my daughter who is mentally ill and she won't come here anymore to visit. She lives 8 hrs. away.

He has lectured my mentally ill (yes it runs in our family) brother to get his life together and has told my parents they are handling him wrong.

We all got along just fine without him before.

We have agreed to stay out of each others family business. I have never once butted into his. He even has alienated members of his own family after telling them how to run their lives.

His intentions are good but they have backfired.

He is a sweet man in every other way. He is generous to a fault, a great father (he brought up his two kids by himself and they are both successful people) and is kind to me but this has really hurt me.

My fault for allowing it in the first place. I am the type of person who doesn't want to "rock the boat" and did not say anything at first but now it has made me very angry.

Thanks in advance for any comments.

My first post here.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

So why are you with him still?


----------



## Diane123 (Dec 18, 2012)

that_girl said:


> So why are you with him still?


I hope you are joking.

I love him.

So you really think this is a reason to break up with someone?


----------



## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

Diane123 said:


> I hope you are joking.
> 
> I love him.
> 
> So you really think this is a reason to break up with someone?


If its that big of a problem, yes.


----------



## Diane123 (Dec 18, 2012)

captainstormy said:


> If its that big of a problem, yes.


It isn't that big of a problem. I just need advice on how to handle and if anyone else going through this.

I guess it may sound like I am putting him first above my family. I am not doing that. I still see my daughter, brother and folks just mostly without him.

I just want to know if a good solution is to do our family things separate and if that works for anyone else.


----------



## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm with captainstorym. If he acts like that now and you're not even married, you can't possibly think he is husband material. He controlling will only increase...


----------



## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

Are you living with him? If so, even if you're not married, you are a couple and you and he need to talk about how you interact with each others families.

You say that you've already had this discussion -- agreed to stay out of each other's business -- and still this happens again.

So... it's time to talk again. My advice would be:
1) ask him if you can work out some compromise. For example, could you say, "Honey, I know that some things about my family drive you crazy and you just want to express your frustrations with how they are handle issues like x's mental illness, etc. But, when you bring up these topics in front of my family, it makes me very uncomfortable -- I feel like you are not respecting their boundaries, and it puts me in the position of having to apologize/ explain to my family members your actions. For my sake, would you consider not talking to them directly about these sensitive issues? In return, I promise that I will gladly listen to your opinions -- we can debrief after family visits and you can tell me anything you wish. I promise I'll listen and give you a chance to sound off."
2) Given that your partner has said that he will stay out of family business, but things seem to slip out in the moment, maybe you two need to come up with a code word (for ex, "broccoli"). Then if you are in a conversation and he starts to cross the boundaries you can say, "Broccoli, honey" and signal him that it's time to change the subject. [I use this strategy with my kids, who are young enough to comment on things that they see as odd -- either extreme physical appearances (e.g., tattoos covering the face, morbid obesity, amputees) or extreme behaviors (e.g., excessive PDA). I'll say "hairpin, son," and save myself the embarrassment of having my kid blurt out "did you see the size of that tattoo?!!" I realize your partner isn't a small kid, but still sometimes a single code word is all it takes to avoid uncomfortable interactions.]
3) Finally, since mental illness is one of the themes, I wonder if it's time to say, "Listen honey. I love you and I see you being part of my life for a long time. Part of being with me is being with my family, and the reality is that depression/ schizophrenia/ autism/ obsessive compulsive disorder/ whatever it is runs in my family. Would you be willing to read or watch something or talk to someone to get more informed about the disorder? I've been living with my family for so long that I take all the accommodations we make for x and y for granted, but I realize that they may not make sense to you, and I want you to be as comfortable as possible with my family and with me."

If his answer is "no" "no" and "no," then maybe you do need to think about whether this will be a dealbreaker for you in the long run.


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

diane123 he might think he is helping. Let him now he is doing more harm than good. People jumping the gun saying leave him. 2 sides to every story.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

I think we all know people who can't seem to hold back about giving other people advice how to "better" conduct their lives and quite often the advice is both unappreciated and unwelcome.
Sometimes the advice giver seem oblivious to the fact that his or her "helpful" advice is anything but helpful.
There are ways to be more tactful about advice giving. For one thing, don't give it unless it is asked for. Then there are ways to phrase advice in ways that do not sound pejorative or in a judging sort of way.
As others have suggested, you need to talk with your man about this in a calm conversation, perhaps suggesting he try withholding advice unless solicited even if he feels his way is right and others are wrong. It is their life to live, not his.
If he is unable to change his ways then the chances of further alienation from your family is real. A lifetime relationship with someone is about both the two of you and all the circles of people you will interact with, family being the most important circle.
That decision will have to be yours. Consider it carefully.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

your family business is his family business. There is no compartmentalization here, if you don't want him in your family then you shouldn't be with him. family = familiar.


----------



## Diane123 (Dec 18, 2012)

Couleur said:


> Are you living with him? If so, even if you're not married, you are a couple and you and he need to talk about how you interact with each others families.
> 
> You say that you've already had this discussion -- agreed to stay out of each other's business -- and still this happens again.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much. This is what I was looking for! Your advice is wonderful.


----------



## Diane123 (Dec 18, 2012)

richie33 said:


> diane123 he might think he is helping. Let him now he is doing more harm than good. People jumping the gun saying leave him. 2 sides to every story.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes his intentions are very good. I do know that. I also feel like everyone saying I should leave him is terrible advice.


----------



## Diane123 (Dec 18, 2012)

Maneo said:


> I think we all know people who can't seem to hold back about giving other people advice how to "better" conduct their lives and quite often the advice is both unappreciated and unwelcome.
> Sometimes the advice giver seem oblivious to the fact that his or her "helpful" advice is anything but helpful.
> There are ways to be more tactful about advice giving. For one thing, don't give it unless it is asked for. Then there are ways to phrase advice in ways that do not sound pejorative or in a judging sort of way.
> As others have suggested, you need to talk with your man about this in a calm conversation, perhaps suggesting he try withholding advice unless solicited even if he feels his way is right and others are wrong. It is their life to live, not his.
> ...


Thanks. Good advice. I do notice he does not have a filter or tact and we have talked about that too.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Just because you LOVE someone, does NOT MEAN they are the right person for you.


He has caused tension between me and my brother, daughter and parents
I am sick over it.
He has lectured my daughter who is mentally ill and she won't come here anymore to visit
He has lectured my mentally ill...brother to get his life together
has told my parents they are handling him (their own son) wrong
We all got along just fine without him before.
He even has alienated members of his own family
this has really hurt me
*My fault *for allowing it in the first place. I* am the type of person who doesn't want to "rock the boat" *and did not say anything at first but *now it has made me very angry*.

You're right, you DON'T want to rock the boat. You don't want to confront. You don't want to admit how much this has messed with EVERY important relationship in your life! You are trying to rug-sweep this situation, downplay it's importance because you don't want to hear that THIS is NOT a good relationship for you. It comes at the cost of EVERY OTHER RELATIONSHIP IN YOUR LIFE.

*Just because you LOVE someone, does NOT MEAN they are the right person for you.* Say this to yourself OVER AND OVER UNTIL you understand it, until you 'get' it, until it clicks.


----------



## d4life (Nov 28, 2012)

Diane123 said:


> business. We aren't even married. We have been together for 5 yrs.
> 
> He has caused tension between me and my brother, daughter and parents and I am sick over it.
> 
> ...


I hate to tell you but people just don't change. What you see is pretty much what you are going to have to deal with if you marry him. Personally, as close to my family as I am, if I were to date someone like that he would be gone very quickly. It's hard enough on a good day to keep peace in the world, but for someone to butt in and cause problems that are not needed is uncalled for.  I would also never tolerate anyone talking down to anyone in my family, especially my parents.


----------

