# Very hard to make final divorce/separation decision



## pitylady (Jul 30, 2010)

I have been married for 25 years, have two children; 20 and 14. Both my children are very outstanding. I put a lot time and energy to raise them to be happy and success.

But my own life is not very happy. For the last 10 year, my husband does not work, does not bring any money home. Initially he said he wanted starting his own business. It went for three years, nothing happened. The next three years he partnered with others to start a business in a foreign country, left home for three years. Not only it did not success, it took a big chunk of our savings. For the last three year, he just stays home and does nothing other than sleep during the day and surf Internet in the evening. I asked, helped him to find a job, or do anything to bring some money home, which is good for his health too. He said he tried and just no job for him.

At this point, I am totally disappointed. I worked so hard for my life and hope for a better life. But unlucky, I have an irresponsible husband. Our life quality has gradually dropped because the less income and additional college expense. I have second college cost on the line. I cannot see any good future for me. I am 50 now. My second child will leave home in 4 years. What my life will be in that time.

From personality point of view, we have very different view on almost everything. We almost disagree or argue on everything for past 10 years. I am a professional woman, have a good common sense, relative success in career. He was engineer, but he is never happy in work. The main reason he cannot success is because his thinking and executing process. Our sex life is even worth. He is not interested in sex almost 15 years ago. I can tell that I have cried for a lot times just because wanting having some kind of intimate relation and intimate time. My feeling is being suppressed for along long time. 

I want leave him, but I am very afraid, afraid of all the unknowns, afraid of lonely, afraid of could not find another good man to be companion. I am a strong woman in all respect. But my love life is pity. 

Need help, suggestion, and encouragement.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

You describe yourself as being lonely, but you are afraid to leave because you are afraid of being lonely. You say don't leave because you are afraid you might not find another good man to be a companion, but you don't have a good man who is a companion. So what is there to be afraid of? How can you be afraid of not having what you already don't have?


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

He sounds very depressed (as do you). Can you try to get counseling or see a doctor to try to address this, before you make a decision about the marriage?


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## pitylady (Jul 30, 2010)

I have seen counselor two times. First time was 7 month ago. I picked a male counselor. I thought I could get some ideal from a male point of view. After three sessions, I do not feel get any help. All I heard is that the marriage is a team work. Everyone has to contribute. 

Last month I picked a woman counselor for four sessions. She very carefully listened my situation and said, I am very clear on everything and knew what is the right thing to do. But just could not make the decision. 

My H is not in depression at all. He is just too comfortable with the life I provided. He never tried anything hard to reach a goal. He does everything at him time and the moment he wants. He expected everything is provided to him, or someone handed him a good professional job. He couldn’t do any simple job because his face and ego is more important. 

I am very very anger. I do not want to support him any more. I feel disgusting by thinking a man with good health and education but do not want to work. Yes, I can provide basic and comfortable life to my family by my current income. But after sending second child to college, I will be poor in my retirement life.

Life is unfair with me.


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## holdingtwenty (Jul 28, 2010)

If you do not do something you will be in the same position 10 years from now. You still have time to save for retirement if you do something about it. Raise your 401K, Ira contributions if you can. It sounds like it is over for you. Have you brought up his not working to him and how unhealthy it is for both of you? If you are afraid of making your decision, then give him an ultimatum to get a job, and pay attention to your needs more. If after you time limit (weeks or months) he does not change, then you MUST get away from the marriage. Just my opinion, I am not a therapist and I have my own problems about decisions. It does me good to read on this forum and I hope I helped you in any way. I hope you make out alright. good luck.


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## pitylady (Jul 30, 2010)

Finally, I talked with him about leaving him. Based on what he said before that "We do not have feeling each other", and how he angry he treated me for last three years, I expected the answer was "I knew you will say that. Go for it". But his answer was totally out my mind. He DOES not want to leave. He said that everything can be changed, he would not argue with me. And he suddenly treats nice, soften his voice.

Now I am in a big trouble. I was so sure that if I say it, it will be the end. My mind already set in the way that we are going to divorced. What should I do? Do I give him chance or go for my decision?


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## smetana (Sep 3, 2010)

I think you should give him a chance. Set some specific deadlines though so he knows you are serious. What about couples therapy?


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## TN Twist (Oct 26, 2010)

I'm sorry I have to pipe in here because I feel like I'm married to the same man. Why would he want you to leave? You're feathering his nest. If you left he would have to get off his McAnus and work. I'm going through the exact same thing with my husband and had the "hard conversation" with him. He asked if we could live as roommates so that we wouldn't shake up the kids. ROOMMATES! I let him know that that situation would not be satisfactory with me because we would be in the exact same situation... Me supporting him. This has taken me a long time to get to the point where I called b.s. I'm a stand by my man, mother hen type and have taken the same kind of stuff at poor PITY here for a long time. Out of a 15 year marriage my husband has worked and brought home good money for 5. FIVE...
I don't know about her but I feel like a sucker.


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