# Tired of Curbside Conflict



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

How can you get your STBX to realize that you don't want to fight anymore? I am trying to get her to understand that at this point, I only want my kids and to get on with the rest of my life. Somehow or another, this only seems to enrage her. Go figure; after all this she still desperately craves my attention, good or bad. 

She is the one who filed. She is the one who is dating, and yet she is the one who is pissed that all I want is my kids. I'm no longer interested in her, and I know she senses this. It helps me tremendously that her new guy is a complete joke physically, mentally, and socially. It seems her market value has dropped substantially in the last 22 years. Mine however, has gone up.

I still have feelings for her, but they die a little more each day, and I would never in a thousand lifetimes let her back into my life. I am just tired of the constant conflict. I am trying to do what is right for my kids, and they appear happier then they have been in a long time.

In time, I know I will have the life that I've always wanted. In the meantime TAM readers do you have any suggestions to help me slog through this swamp? Unless it's on a mat, I just don't want to fight anymore. 

LIL


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Hunt Brown said:


> then don't engage her in fights.
> 
> respond calmly, mirror her regularly and if she gets out of control turn around and leave.
> 
> ...


Actually I've recommended he try and get the kids for their safety. This has been a very long saga and I think she is a danger to them.

LIL - Just maintain calm as best you can and redirect her away consistently. Give her no emotional reaction.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

LIL,

Listen to Atholk. We know you have the strength and control to continue being calm and non-confrontational. The problem lies with her and you know you can't get them to change -- even if you are right. They have to do it.

Personally I just wouldn't engage her in conversation at all. Communicate purely via e-mail.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

*respond calmly, mirror her regularly and if she gets out of control turn around and leave.*

I agree with everything you've wrote Hunt Brown and if my STBX were actually sane; I'm sure it would work quite well. As for the "boyfriend", if you can actually call a 60 year old fat guy that, my statements are entirely acurate. Everyone who knows us basically has said "WTF" it makes absolutely no sense. 

Her own justification was that he "supports" her. He probably does. He's a 3 and she's a 5. I'm sure she appreciates having a position of power within a relationship. 

I find that I'm fine with the pending divorce. I just can't personally see anyone right now as my children need me, and I think I need some time to get my life in order. 

I will try to restate this one more time for clarity. The more I seem to pull away the more outlandish and confrontational her behaviors become. I have been in touch with my lawyer regarding her recurrent violations of the courts orders, but the wheels of family law turn very slow. Inevitably, all that is created is another 200 dollar letter.

LIL


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

lastinline said:


> In time, I know I will have the life that I've always wanted. In the meantime TAM readers do you have any suggestions to help me slog through this swamp? Unless it's on a mat, I just don't want to fight anymore.
> 
> LIL


What is it that upsets you the most.

1)	The scene/spectacle she creates while others are around?
2)	The affect it has on your children?
3)	The emotional bruising you’re receiving?
4)	Her inability to comprehend that for you it’s over?
5)	Something else?

I imagine her behaviour is designed to hurt you and to get a response from you.

Do you think the thought “This too shall pass” will help you at the next encounter? If you do may well be worth googling the expression to find an interpretation that is meaningful for you.

Bob

Here's one http://www.youmeworks.com/thistoo.html


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

*What is it that upsets you the most.*

The fact that she has essentially set fire to our family and is doing absolutely nothing to help out from either a financial or a parental stand point. It's just chaos, chaos, and more chaos, whereas I continue to function as per before, but with the additional burden of her neglected duties.

Oh, I am also sick of hearing her talk about her false concern for our children when her actions pretty much illustrate what she really is.

Perhaps, there is a third thing. I am also sick of her consistantly and willfully violating her bogus restraining order against me by continually contacting me face to face about things that absolutely do not pertain to my kids. 

Today for instance she tried to call my cell and then my clinic because she said I'd left a message with her shrink. I never did any such thing. The only thing I did today was speak with my lawyer, and send a message to her attorney about her violating the court curb side drop off order by walking out to my car and trying to start an argument with me...again. Thank God for electric windows, and decent sound proofing on modern cars. 

He asked me if I wanted to place a restraining order against her because of her erratic behavior. I'm sorely tempted, but as she doesn't believe in gun ownership it seems unnecessary. We'll see. 

LIL


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I think there are likely a number of ways you can proceed. Given your circumstances, of course none of them are pleasant.

If you can involve a 'mediator' at drop-off and pick up, this would likely diffuse her penchant for approaching the male she required a restraining order for due to feeling threatened - and starting an argument. (Aside, was the TRO lifted or is it still in place?) A friend, family member, clergy or church member - just a neutral third party should suffice.

Or you designate a neutral pick up and drop off point via your attorneys that is less inflammatory than the current circumstances.

Another option is to use your Legal Rottweiler. Odds are, if someone was holding her feet to the fire with consequences, she would be far less likely to go all Glenn Close on you - unless she really is crazy. I think she is terribly sad, confused, bitter, angry, and deeply heartbroken - about her life, but not necessarily full-blown crazy.

She's cratering LIL, not much you can do. You're in for the freak show until she decides to cut it loose and work it out.

My ex and I don't have anything quite like what you have in terms of interaction - but some of the backstory is similar.

Don't let her bait you. In turn, don't bait her. I suppose I like to think that you and she should be having no regular interactions at this point outside of the children.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Deejo said:


> Don't let her bait you. In turn, don't bait her. I suppose I like to think that you and she should be having no regular interactions at this point outside of the children.


Antagonizing her would only serve to work against my ultimate purposes. Also, I have been extraordinarily clear with her about contacting me. It is to be brief and only via text or e-mail. Direct phone contact is only to occur for urgent issues, and face to face only in the event of an absolute emergency. She is not doing well with the notion that I've moved on.

I am only seeking to honor the orders of the court, and to be quite honest; I function better without her. I agree with your comments and do not believe she is full blown psycho crazy either, but she is highly erratic and unstable. She is also unfit right now to properly care for my 11, 7, and 5 year old and I will shortly relieve her of that burden.

LIL


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## Lostandconfused (Jul 6, 2009)

Hey LIL,

I'm sorry you're still struggling with the STBX and all of her antics. It makes for long days I'm sure.

I haven't stayed current with all the intricacies of your situation so I will just give some generic thoughts that are, of course, just my opinion and as such, I could be totally off track.

The real issue appears to me to lie in the fact that you're allowing her to affect you and your emotions. (Perfectly human reaction and normal btw) Maybe you could practice a mantra of "it's only for a few moments and I CAN and WILL get through this without reacting to any actions she wishes to display". 

I remember my mother saying a bully can only bother you if you allow them to or even this one, least said, soonest mended. Either one of those gives "you" the power in the situation. You are now in control of your behavior/emotions and she is no longer in control. She may act ugly and out of hand but if you disregard it, it's not going to give her the reaction/attention she craves. In other words, she's throwing a fit and you don't even have to react.

There's a fine line between being in proximity and actively participating in the interaction. You don't have to react. Smiling blandly and not responding seems logical. If you really feel you "must" respond in some way, then replying that you're sorry she feels that way with a bland smile or stating I believe we've gone over that already, would suffice. Say it in the most gentle way possible and then let the topic drop. If she asks a question, you could answer that you'd prefer to not discuss it and let it drop. Always having somewhere you "need" to be right away would seem like a good plan too. Another favorite saying I've heard many times is that you can't move a bump on a log. Be the bump in this situation. It doesn't fight, it doesn't talk back, it doesn't get angry, it doesn't move. It just is.

I can see that it's frustrating to keep hearing her gripe and whine, and to live with her fit throwing. Unfortunately, you're trying to change "her" and the only one you can change is "you". 

Once again I'll say, that if you don't like the outcome of a consistent situation, then change one of the constants involved. The constant you can change is you, not her.

One more thing I'd like to briefly touch on is your on-going comparison of yourself to the new man in her life. I think this bears some closer inspection on your part as it comes across as a need to justify that you are the better man. Now I'm not implying you are or aren't. I'm just saying that you may want to look at dealing with this in your own heart and mind so that you no longer need to downplay him vs you to feel better. It leaves me with the feeling you are still in competition with him even though you say you don't want her back, etc. None of us want to be the one to be left so it's understandable to feel this way and for those of us who've been cheated on, it's a natural reaction/feeling to question our own worth. IMO, finding a different way to bolster your self worth would be a healthy direction to take. I don't believe, you'll ever make sense of her decision(s).

Just my $0.02.
Lost


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Coming from another dude who was replaced with a dud ... it isn't about competition, or trying to make everyone see how much more cool, handsome, wealthy, loving, sexy, debonair, or whatever ...

It's sounding off. It is giving voice to the maddening fact, that despite whatever efforts you made to reconcile ... she chose someone who makes no kind of rational sense as a choice. When everyone that you formerly associated with as a couple meets TOM and wonders "WTF?", you aren't making it up out of spite.

Being angry and giving voice to the fact that your ex is now partnered with someone she wouldn't have given the time of day to under different circumstances is justifiable.

It will pass. It did for me. It will for LIL. It doesn't occupy every waking moment, it's just another piece of sh!t that you are trying to deal with on an ever expanding pile of the stuff, and all shades of crazy from your ex while you end your marriage.

It doesn't make it easier were she to trade up - but at some biological level, it seems easier to acknowledge.

Women do it to, usually in the reverse case ... ex-husbands don't chase pudgy, old school marms. They chase "young anorexic whoors with bellybutton rings." 

For the record, I'm avoiding the bellybutton rings ...


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

*It's sounding off. It is giving voice to the maddening fact, that despite whatever efforts you made to reconcile ... she chose someone who makes no kind of rational sense as a choice. When everyone that you formerly associated with as a couple meets TOM and wonders "WTF?", you aren't making it up out of spite.*

lostandconfused, as always I appreciate your advice and insight. However, in this case Deejo is dead on right. It has nothing to do with self worth. The comparison is only necessary for me because I am trying to make sense of the situation, learn from it, and not ever repeat it.

Ironically, he has already changed his hair style to a flat top like mine. The only difference is where I look like the key henchman in a secret agent movie, he looks like a fat little boy. No, I'm afraid that it is he who will spend needless amounts of energy trying to keep up with a man who is no longer interested in the "prize" he is so zealously seeking to keep.

I was very clear with her several months ago that she would end up resenting him, because he is at best a tenth of the man that I am. I could tell by her silence that my remarks struck close to home. Truth has that effect.

LIL


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

LIL,

I agree with the above you are torturing yourself and I went through this too. That last comment, "He is not 1/10th of the man I am" tells of that. Eventually you won't feel compelled to say that or think that.

I'll share my "other man" story. My oldest son was the one that broke the news to me. . .and I'll always remember this precious comment (he's 13):

"Um, Dad. . .yeah, I guess they are dating but Dad, I have to tell you - he's kind of fat!"

LOL!

It's like my son was destined to be a psychologist because that was the only salve that could have been applied then to breaking that news. A professional psychologist couldn't have broken it better to me. I did almost laugh out loud.

Now. . .I honestly (sometimes get a pang of jealousy) am starting to welcome him into my kids life. They all went to 6 Flags the other day and I offfered (she declined) to watch the baby. She said, "No, my mom can." (pride - she doesn't need me )

I had a woman basically tell me, "You just want that guy to be good to your kids."

Seems so simplistic but it's really true.

And I did actually want her to get re-married/re-involved first before me. She needs the support more than I do. I can be content to be alone.

Point is you are still entangled with her, perfectly normal, and you should work to disentangle yourself from her. Hard with kids. . .divorcing with kids is like separating the Christmas light strands. . .you have to do 1 issue at a time.

Good luck.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> Women do it to, usually in the reverse case ... ex-husbands don't chase pudgy, old school marms. They chase "young anorexic whoors with bellybutton rings."
> 
> For the record, I'm avoiding the bellybutton rings ...


And I still say, and I think Deejo may be saying between the lines, having a fling may be good therapy for you - you are "her-focused" too much.

With me, the bellybutton ring is okay. . .just can't do the nose ring or tongue ring.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

*And I still say, and I think Deejo may be saying between the lines, having a fling may be good therapy for you - you are "her-focused" too much.*

Why do I always get the feeling you're trying to corrupt me SG? On a more unusual note, I do have the opportunity to sleep with his ex. She completely fawns over me, and calls me constantly. Her last text was ten minutes ago. 

She plays with her hair in my company, stands with her hands between her legs, and giggles at every joke. I know the body language, and I know the feeling of attraction when it's directed towards me.

We have our non-custody weekends at the same time, and invites me to come over to "talk" whenever I'd like. How twisted is that? I just don't think I'm that person.

LIL


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

lastinline said:


> *And I still say, and I think Deejo may be saying between the lines, having a fling may be good therapy for you - you are "her-focused" too much.*
> 
> Why do I always get the feeling you're trying to corrupt me SG? On a more unusual note, I do have the opportunity to sleep with his ex. She completely fawns over me, and calls me constantly. Her last text was ten minutes ago.
> 
> ...


Sounds like fate to me!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

lastinline said:


> *And I still say, and I think Deejo may be saying between the lines, having a fling may be good therapy for you - you are "her-focused" too much.*
> 
> Why do I always get the feeling you're trying to corrupt me SG? On a more unusual note, I do have the opportunity to sleep with his ex. She completely fawns over me, and calls me constantly. Her last text was ten minutes ago.
> 
> ...


Green Eggs and Ham. :smthumbup:


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Why am I trying to corrupt you? 

Well, think of me as "that friend."

You know, we all have the friends are the angel on your shoulder and you all have friends who are the devil on your shoulder.

I know I have one of each. One who I got in trouble with when I was young (throwing snowballs at cop cars, the one I talked sex to) and another who is always there for me and helped me out with house repairs this winter when I was freezing.

Explore that side of yourself.

Explore Evil Kirk side.

If she's putting it out there, go for it. Just be clear it's a fling, friends with benefits, and nothing more because you are disentangling yourself. Be very clear and don't let her pout if you don't want to take it any further and she does.

I can tell the sex would do you good.

Then your wife can yadda, yadda, yadda all she wants. I just turn it over emotionally to my attorney; it's what I pay him the bucks for.

Yeah, it's not everything but when was the last time you were laid? Probably awhile. It's necessary for your health, LIL. Just be safe and have some fun.

Women after 38 years old don't mind a booty call every once in awhile in a gentlemanly way. It will take 2-5 years off your life you have aged this year.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

lastinline said:


> I look like the key henchman in a secret agent movie, he looks like a fat little boy.
> 
> LIL


:rofl: Friggin made me pass seltzer water through my nose. Still stings ...


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