# I'm almost there. .



## Naivenomore (Jan 28, 2020)

The insight and hard advice I received from the group is amazing and I can't thank you enough. I'm getting close to mustering the strength to tell him I can no longer live with the pain. I am afraid this might be as good as it gets for me and I would miss the companionship and sex (I came from a longterm abusive marriage and consequently hadn't had an orgasm for decades.) I'm 51, how much longer do I really have to find my soulmate anyway.
So here are two real questions for those who chose to stay after discovering EAs. As always, I appreciate you candor.

1. Is requiring no-contact sufficient to making you believe your SO truly wants/loves you above others? After being caught so many times and constantly lying about stopping, my SO is finally admitting (mostly) that he's addicted and taking the right steps, but how do I dispell my feelings of me being a prison warden. I get that I can now have access to his phone, but I can't shake the insecurities I feel, thinking the only reason he stopped is because I forced him.

2. How to you prevent the triggers? For example, I can no longer read flirtatious texts or Hallmark cards knowing of the many others, especially holidays when he was secretly texting how much he missed others. What was once sacred, feels hollow. His feelings for me may be real, but his gestures of affection now feel disingenuous. I politely fake a smile, but my head is thinking "that's what you told all the gals."

Thanks for the help.


----------



## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

He's your pet. He doesn't work .... he failed at day trading ....other than flirt with women - what does he do every day with his life? From your posts it sounds like he's spent his entire life living off of other people. 

You sound lonely and it's driving you to tolerate an abusive relationship. You're basically paying him to say nice things to you and for good sex. But he doesn't love you - so this relationship is just fantasy. 

And I think you already answered the two questions but are afraid to act.

Consider IC as to why you are attracted to men who abuse you (including this current POS).

How did you two meet? Next time look elsewhere. For example, consider doing volunteer work at the hospital.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Naivenomore said:


> I'm 51, how much longer do I really have to find my soulmate anyway.


"Soulmate" belongs with Mother Goose and Pixie dust. There's no such thing. Adult people select and cultivate relationships based upon respect. It's math, not magic....



Naivenomore said:


> 1. Is requiring no-contact sufficient to making you believe your SO truly wants/loves you above others?


In my opinion, yes. A long period of PROVEN fidelity does indeed prove it.



Naivenomore said:


> 2. How to you prevent the triggers?


You cannot "prevent" triggers. A good analogy is being in a room full of flies. You cannot stop flies from landing on you, but you can shoo them away when they do.

As you practice shoo-ing, be aware that it will take lots of practice and lots of time. But, in time, you will reap the rewards if you don't quit.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Of course he doesn’t want it to end. You’re his gravy train. Users will say whatever it takes to keep things as they are. That’s who he is. 

He obviously won’t end it so it’s all up to you. What I think? You’ll find “reasons” to stay because you’re afraid of being alone. I hope I’m wrong.


----------



## BigbadBootyDaddy (Jun 18, 2018)

“Soul mate” is a stripper I met in Florida, she was followed on stage by Fate and Destiny.
Theres no such thing as SoulMate. Focus on your own happiness.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@Naivenomore I am sorry but you are still being naive. 51 is the new 40. Take back your life. Do you want to spend the rest of your life looking over his shoulder? You can still live with him, maybe have sex with him but live to please yourself. Live your own life, do your own thing, get your own money, live your best life, take the focus of him.


----------

