# I think my wife is cheating on me, I need help



## MrRomantic (Jun 14, 2010)

Hello everyone, I am new here and am seeking advice and/or words of wisdom for my situation. I’m sure this is going to end up being a novel when I’m done with it, but I will thank you in advance for your time.

To start, my wife and I are 23. We started dating after high school at 18. After about 3 years, I proposed to her. We married a year later and have now been married for almost one year.

The first four years of our relationship were amazing. Absolutely incredible. We got along great, enjoyed doing everything together and spending every moment together. We had a very good sex life on top of it too. Once we got married things changed. Things were still good, we got along pretty well, only having a few conflicts here and there. I could see why so many people say it, but sex definitely did decrease drastically after getting married.

About 6 months ago, she began her first real job out of college. This is when I connect things changing more drastically for us. I knew we had some adjusting to do, as all relationships do. I am aware that the “in love” experience in a new relationship doesn’t last and once that fades, a relationship becomes different. More effort must be placed to keep things fresh. I don’t believe love just happens. I think it requires work. When we both were realizing that things had in fact changed some between us, we both read a book called “Languages of Love.” I have a feeling many here know about the book or at least the ideas it contains. We discussed it some after reading it and my wife revealed that she “doesn’t even know if she knows what love is.” This blew me away and really made me think about all that our relationship has gone through. I realized that I am definitely a romantic. I am the kind of guy that goes out of his way to do tons of little special things for someone, cleaning, grocery shopping, making dinners, doing dishes, buying flowers and little gifts here and there, leaving love notes, random kisses, random compliments. I don’t want to talk myself up, but I am that guy in the romantic movies. I then thought about why I had never noticed this imbalance before. I feel that physical touch is my primary language of love and previously my girlfriend had given me a lot of physical touch. This included holding my hand, staying close to me, initiating frequent sex, etc. She would compliment me and thank me for the things I did. I felt like I was showing her my love, she was receiving it, and returning it. Now I feel like she was simply in that “in love” stage and that stuff came naturally. Now she isn’t feeling that and doesn’t even know what love is. I asked her if I made her feel loved. She said, “I don’t know, I think so.” So now I feel like all I do/did isn’t even something that meant anything to her. I still do those things and I don’t even get thank you’s anymore. But, if I don’t do those things, she gets mad/disappointed in me. It’s like I’ve set that bar of “normal” where for most women that would be “great husband” so I can’t get to that “great husband” mark because there is nothing else I can do.

So cue in about 2 months ago. Up until this point the thought of her cheating on me was never an issue. I completely trusted her. She went on a 4 day work trip. When she got back, she was now texting this guy somewhat frequently. She was secretive about it and made an effort to never let me see the texts or leave her phone lying around. This bothered me greatly. She talked to me a bit about this Jason guy and I found out things like he has a girlfriend and such. The texting decreased, and I didn’t get the sense that she had cheated or that cheating was going to happen.
She soon started working more closely with another guy, Brandon, on a week long work trip. I had picked her up from the airport and the minute she got home, she initiated sex and it was fantastic (I will connect this part later.) After this trip, she started text messaging Brandon frequently. I’m not proud of this, but I can’t see a man in my situation doing anything differently. I started reading her text messages when I could get a chance. There was a lot of flirting back and forth. In the midst of flirting there were messages that she wrote that were along the lines of “these are just thoughts” and things that appeared that she knew there was a boundary she couldn’t cross. One day she asked me if I would have a problem with her going over to Brandon’s house to watch a movie. I told her I trusted her (which was now entering white lie stage, but my heart really did want to trust her). I later saw the text exchange that she said he could invite her over sometime. “He said he trusts me. We can’t screw this up.” I don’t know if that meant get caught or start anything in the first place. So I had a plan for something after work one day and she made plans with Brandon. After work, they went out for dinner and then back to his place to watch a movie. She gets back at a reasonable time and I am sleeping. She wakes me up by initiating sex. I thoroughly enjoy it but am now getting creeped out that the last 2 times we had sex were immediately after she was with Brandon. Texting continues. The next week she has a day trip for work about 2 hrs from home, sure enough, with Brandon. These are legitimate work trips, that I do know. Brandon picks her up in the morning and the leaves to the customer site. I know they have to be there til 5. She gets home that night at about midnight. Guess what, she wakes me up with sex. In the middle of sex, she gets a text, and reaches out and flips the phone over so I cant see it. Now I don’t know what to think. Is she having sex with this guy and then coming home and having sex with me, is she just getting sexually excited with him but not cheating and coming home to “release” on me, or does she feel guilty and thinks that having sex with me will make me less suspicious… The next day I see the text. When she had gotten home, she sent him a message saying “I’m kind of embarrassed about tonight, I’m usually not that reserved. I thought I would be more comfortable.” So, still kind of a mixed message. Sounds like something happened (but what?). Oh, and the next day I discovered that she had trimmed up her pubic hair for the day trip with Brandon…she doesn’t usually do this…Wonderful.

She also made a plan to hang out with him a couple weeks later to go over to his house. She decided to shave her legs before he picked her up. Awesome. She said it was the only time she had to do it in a long time. I had saw that she had made plans to have Brandon pick her up. The next day, I couldn’t find the car keys, so I asked if she had them. She said she did. I asked why, I thought you were picked up? She said no, she drove. Lie. We were leaving then and I got into the car, the tank was on empty, as it had been the night before when I last drove it, I said, I’m surprised you made it without getting gas. She said, wow, I didn’t even look at that, lucky I made it. Then I noticed my seat was in the exact same position…she never puts it back. I comment on that and she confesses she was picked up. I asked her why she lied about something so stupid. She said it didn’t make sense for her to take the keys if she didn’t drive, so she told me she drove. I have no idea why she lied about something so stupid.
So after all of this, I’m feeling devastated and tried to talk with her about “us” without bringing up my suspicions. Just that I know that we are emotionally drifting apart and that I am doing everything to make things better by putting effort into this marriage. I feel no effort on her part. She doesn’t communicate very well but she told me that she is trying to get over the feeling that she shouldn’t be married at this point in her life. That she feels like im holding her down. She wants to feel independent. She said its like “cold feet” one year after the wedding. She does say that she thinks that I am the right person for her. So all I’m hearing is that she wants to have sex with other people. I try to tell her about putting effort into the relationship, all that I do, and little things that she can do to show me she loves me. So, over the next few days, I feel there is some improvement. We have an awesome weekend together. She initiates sex Friday night, I can tell she is interested Saturday morning, so we have sex again, then we went sailing, came back, showered. She mentioned how her back was sore, so I offered a massage. After the massage, she initiated sex again. I was thinking this was the greatest weekend ever, maybe our talk meant something and we’ve started to reconnect again. Well Sunday night, I kissed her good night and rolled over to go to bed. She rolls over to me and gives me what I consider a passionate kiss, I am surprised, but excited she is initiating sex again so I “advance.” Then she shuts down, clearly not interested. Then she says, “is that all you’re interested in, is sex?” This blew me away that she thinks that. Now I didn’t know what any of the sex that weekend meant. 

Our anniversary is this upcoming weekend. I have put in a lot of effort to make it special. I want this relationship to work. I need to see some effort from her this weekend, but I don’t think I’m going to see any. I’ve decided I need to lay it out for her, but want this weekend to go well first. I need to tell her that I don’t want to believe it, but I can’t ignore the signs. I don’t deserve to have to deal with a wife that appears to be cheating. Whether she is or not honestly at this point makes no difference. I am willing to forgive and forget as long as she starts putting effort into making this relationship work than finding that “new” feeling again.
I know it wasn’t right of me to be reading her messages, and I’m not sure if not knowing any of this would be better or worse. Part of me thinks that I should abandon ship right now. Now would be an easy time to get out. Yes, we’re married, but we have no kids, no house, and no major assets together. If I can’t trust her now, I’m going to have an extremely stressed out life. This past month has been wreaking havoc on my mind and body. I am also young. The other part of me knows how great our relationship has been, that we have done so much together, have so many good memories, and aside from this situation, get along very well. I don’t want to divorce her and start over, I’d feel like I’m throwing so much away.
Thanks for reading, this has been good for me just to organize my thoughts and vent. Any advice would be great.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

It certainly does sound like cheating doesn't it? The way she is carrying on with these other men is as if she is single. It sounds as if she prefers to be single. There is nothing you can do about that other than offer to back out of the marriage if that is what she wants. Life is too short to hold onto things that aren't working. If she's not willing to work with you in a way that is comfortable for you, then you may want to make some other decisions. I know that is not what you want to hear, but it's best to take a serious look at that now while you are younger than to ruin your self-esteem by trying to hang on to something that is not in your best interest.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

You definitely have reasons to be concerned.

My guess is that she's getting excited about/with this guy and for now you are receiving the benefits. If you don't get her to stop seeing him, it will likely become a physical affair if it hasn't already.

At a minimum you need to tell her that you have an "odd feeling" or something about this guy and you would like for her to stop seeing him.

You could also tell her that you read her texts. The downside is that, if she continues to see him, she'll lock her phone and you'll lose the ability to see what's really going on. 

At this point I would not feel guilty about looking at her phone.

The story about the keys and the seat is a big red flag. If she's having an affair - either physical or emotional - she will begin telling lies to cover things up. Keep your eyes and ears open for other inconsistencies. Keep asking questions and see if she scrambles to answer or gets overly defensive.

You need to get her to end contact with this guy. I'm just not sure if you should tell her about what you saw on her phone just yet.


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## MrRomantic (Jun 14, 2010)

I defintely feel I'm being timid about approaching this, but I feel I need to tread carefully.

She has always had more guy friends than she has had girl friends. I have accepted this, and in the past it has never been a problem. Ideally, I wish she just had girl friends, but being that that is not the case, I have had to learn to trust her. 

What is different about this Brandon guy, is that he is an exclusive "friend" of hers. All other guy friends that she has had would be included in our plans with other friends. I would get the chance to meet them and she never sought exclusive one on one events with these other guys.

Should I even bring up the fact that it appears she is cheating on me? Or should I just say I don't like how much time you are spending with him exclusively or all of the text messages? It really is hard to say if she has actually cheated...but everytime she sends and receives texts from him right next to me, I die a little bit inside. So whether she is cheating or not, it is greatly bothering me...but is that just me being insecure?

I do feel that one of our main issues right now is that we are spending too much time together. We share most of the same friends and do almost everything together. We only have one car, and in fact work at the same place (not directly with eachother though). I am trying to make an effort to do some things on my own to give her a little personal time, but this has been difficult for me to do, because I feel the minute I leave, she is going to fill that "alone" time with Brandon. I know for a fact that when I was gone this saturday, she tried to make plans with him. "(me) is gone this saturday, I thought it would be a good time to hang out."

If all of the suspicious aspects weren't present, I would be glad that she had someone to hang out with, and up until this situation, I would've completely trusted her. But, given the suspicious details, I'm just not comfortable with it.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

If you feel the need to tread lightly, it should be enough for you to say that this friendship is making you uncomfortable and she should be willing to back off if she values your marriage.

Another option is to try abd spend some time with him and her and see how they interact. If nothing else you should have a chance to get to know a guy your wife is spending so much time with.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Hmmm. Let's see how I do this without saying "all wives fall out of love with their husbands eventually, be thankful you found out while you're young and before the commitment got too deep"

I don't. You WILL get the "I love you deeply but I'm not IN LOVE with you any more" speech soon. The old ILYDBININWYAM.

My marriage and this forum have ruined me. I know men fall out of loves with their wives, but come on girls.


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

This is kind of an interesting read from a Blog I read:



> Catching Up On Cheating And Why You Need A Contingency Plan
> It seems people are reading my third post on cheating and not reading the first two. So lets recap a little.
> 
> What To Do When There's Another Man In The Picture - Why cheating isn't just a Fitness Test. Why you can't just play it cool and try and Game her back. How wives cheating typically results from the husbands failure to engage them with a combination of Alpha and Beta traits. It also followed along from the earlier Dopamine posts about female boredom.
> ...


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

Wow, that's one amazing post, MrRomantic!

I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I know how you're feeling because I went through something similar. My wife started texting a guy who texted her by accident (wrong number) and it went from there. It was I who read the initial text from him. She asked me to read it because she was busy doing something. It was a bit suggestive-I think he was casting his line and hoping for a bite. And he got one. She replied saying that his text was a very suggestive text to be sending to a 40+ married woman. I warned her that sending it was a mistake and she sent it anyway, and it went from there. 

I suspected that it wouldn't end there and it didn't! Like you, I started checking her phone (something I'd never done before) and, sure enough, the textual affair was up and running....... 

During the following week or two, she became very impatient with me and knocked me a lot. She had no interest in me sexually and everything I seemed to do was wrong.

During that time, a text came in to her phone and I read it. It was from him. She asked me who it was from and I said it was some guy who'd send her text jokes over the weekend, if she wanted. She said it wasn't some guy. She said it was a work colleague. I didn't display (or have) the patience you've shown to date and I told her I knew all that had been going on. Initially she denied everything point blankly. Then, bit by bit, she admitted things. 

To cut a long story short, she said that the whole thing excited her and that I hadn't shown any interest in her, prior to it all. (Fairly true, I have to admit). She said that he was interested in her purely for who she was but stressed that they had never met up and that he didn't know her name. He just knew her by her first initial. 

Anyway, I totally lost it and shouted at her, asking if she thought I was stupid enough not to cop on to what was going on and to believe, like she had told me, that it wouldn't go any further. Later, she admitted that he had asked to meet her and there had been the suggestion by him of something physical between them. The following day, I took her phone to work, with her agreement, and after about an hour, a text came through from him. I replied, pretending to be her and we exchanged about ten texts. Finally, I couldn't take anymore and I phoned him (I hid my cell phone number). I got his voicemail. I told him that it had been me who had been texting him all day long, that I knew what was going on and that I never wanted him to contact my wife again!!!

When I got home, I told my wife what had happened. She became angry, saying that I should have allowed her the chance to finish it instead. I felt a bit foolish over the way I had behaved (I had been blinded by anger) and told her I was sorry. I asked her to text him and to tell him that I shouldn't have done what I did. She said she would and that would be the end of it.

That was definitely the lowest point of my life. Nothing has ever come close to it. I did blame myself, partially, for it, as my wife's emotional needs weren't being met by me. She insists that there was never any contact after that. I believe her but something like this damages trust to the extent that, deep down, there will always be some little element of doubt in my mind.

And that will be a problem for you also. Having said all that, your situation sounds much worse than mine. I hope you're ready for this... I think your wife is already physically involved with this guy and, deep down, you know it and you're in denial about it. I can understand that you want the anniversary to go well and you're probably hoping that everything will return to normal.

I don't think that's going to happen. It will eat away at you until you confront her about the whole affair. I hope you can win your wife back. At best, I reckon you have a 50% chance of doing so. But the longer you let it go, the worse the whole situation will become.

I wish you all the best. If you feel up to it, maybe you'll let us know how things work out for you....... Good luck!


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## MrRomantic (Jun 14, 2010)

Honestly, deep down, I do think something has happened between them. This whole situation just came like a freighttrain out of nowhere. I never in a million years thought I would be in this situation. I love her enough that I'm willing to work though all of this, but that is if I can see some light at the end of the tunnel. Her telling me she doesn't even know what love is is a huge knife right through my heart. I know that the things I do for her would make any other girl feel like the most loved girl in the world. It's funny how you see things differently when something like this happens. I look at her parents and how she grew up and it doesn't surprise me that she doesn't know what love is. Her parents seem like roommates, no love, no passion. 

Can I run the speech I've been giving in my head for weeks now? This is how I think I want to approach it with my wife.

"I love you very much and it kills me to have to say this. My heart doesn't want to believe it, but my head cannot ignore the facts. I think you are having an affair. The fact that your relationship with him is exclusive, the fact that you probably sent 500 texts back and forth last month, your lying about stupid things, i noticed your "grooming" before occasions with him. It's hard to ignore these facts. I'm giving you one chance to come clean with me. You have two choices. The first is to cut all contact with Brandon for good. I want to work on our marriage and make it work. Or, we go our own ways. Whether or not you are actually physically involved with him doesn't even matter at this point. Are you okay with making your husband feel like you are cheating on him? I cannot put up with this feeling anymore and I refuse to."


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

MrRomantic said:


> Honestly, deep down, I do think something has happened between them. This whole situation just came like a freighttrain out of nowhere. I never in a million years thought I would be in this situation. I love her enough that I'm willing to work though all of this, but that is if I can see some light at the end of the tunnel. Her telling me she doesn't even know what love is is a huge knife right through my heart. I know that the things I do for her would make any other girl feel like the most loved girl in the world. It's funny how you see things differently when something like this happens. I look at her parents and how she grew up and it doesn't surprise me that she doesn't know what love is. Her parents seem like roommates, no love, no passion.
> 
> Can I run the speech I've been giving in my head for weeks now? This is how I think I want to approach it with my wife.
> 
> "I love you very much and it kills me to have to say this. My heart doesn't want to believe it, but my head cannot ignore the facts. I think you are having an affair. The fact that your relationship with him is exclusive, the fact that you probably sent 500 texts back and forth last month, your lying about stupid things, i noticed your "grooming" before occasions with him. It's hard to ignore these facts. I'm giving you one chance to come clean with me. You have two choices. The first is to cut all contact with Brandon for good. I want to work on our marriage and make it work. Or, we go our own ways. Whether or not you are actually physically involved with him doesn't even matter at this point. Are you okay with making your husband feel like you are cheating on him? I cannot put up with this feeling anymore and I refuse to."


I never thought I'd be that guy either and I believe that things would have happened if it hadn't ended when it did. My wife hates to talk about it now. I don't refer to it anymore because she becomes *so* upset. She said that she cannot believe that she jeapordised everything for a bit of excitement.

I think what you've prepared to say to her is good. But only give the ultimatum if you are really prepared to go through with it. I think you have to go the way you're going to go. It will wreck your head if you don't. Be prepared for some bad days ahead. But long term, you'll come out of it a stronger person. You sound like a nice guy. You don't deserve this kind of stuff in your life.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I think thats a good start. But you need to be ready for the things she'll counter with.

Examples include:
a) Its all YOUR fault (justification - make you feel guilty - get you off guard and defensive)
b) They are "JUST friends"
c) How dare you invade my privacy
d) I cant believe you are doing this - I need some time away from you (with him) to think about things

Just KNOW if you hear any of the above, its classic BS, its probably worse than you knew, and things will get worse before they have a chance to get better.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Mario Kempes said:


> But only give the ultimatum if you are really prepared to go through with it.


:iagree:

:iagree:

:iagree:


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> I think thats a good start. But you need to be ready for the things she'll counter with.
> 
> Examples include:
> a) Its all YOUR fault (justification - make you feel guilty - get you off guard and defensive)
> ...


Very good points, Nice777guy! I got all of that as well, initially.


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## MrRomantic (Jun 14, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> I think thats a good start. But you need to be ready for the things she'll counter with.
> 
> Examples include:
> a) Its all YOUR fault (justification - make you feel guilty - get you off guard and defensive)
> ...


a) In all honesty, I cannot fathom anything she could throw back at me. Especially the past few months, I have been fricking Prince Charming to try to get her out of the "feeling like I shouldn't be married." Especially now that I feel like I'm competing with this other guy.

b)I'd ask her to let me read her text messages. I am not bringing anything up at this point that I have invaded her privacy, if it is innocent, she should have no problem showing me...but i do infact know otherwise.

c)See b

d) I guess this is what I am most afraid of. I already know if I'm doing something one night, she will use the opportunity to hang out with him. This is what I'm going to have to accept, for her to "figure things out." If she decides she doesn't care if I leave, then I will be better off not being with someone who is willing to let me go.

You all are right though, I'm not sure it's time to throw down the ultimatum. This is why this situation is so sickening to me, we have a great relationship otherwise. We dont fight, we compromise, we have fun together.


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

MrRomantic said:


> a) In all honesty, I cannot fathom anything she could throw back at me. Especially the past few months, I have been fricking Prince Charming to try to get her out of the "feeling like I shouldn't be married." Especially now that I feel like I'm competing with this other guy.
> 
> b)I'd ask her to let me read her text messages. I am not bringing anything up at this point that I have invaded her privacy, if it is innocent, she should have no problem showing me...but i do infact know otherwise.
> 
> ...


I know what you're saying, and it's a horrible situation to be in, but you can't be a door mat for the rest of your life, either. Sooner or later, you're going to have to deal with the situation.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

You answers are logical - I totally understand. But expect a completely irrational conversation IF she's planning to protect this relationship.

If you are wrong, you've blown it out of proportion, AND she really cares, she'll still apologize and agree to spend more time with you and less (or none) with him.

If she's having an affair and is willing to end it, she'll be very honest, apologize, show remorse, and promise to end it and promise to prove to you that its over.

BUT, if she's having an affair and doesn't want to end it, she will fight to keep the truth from you. She'll lie and do her best to confuse you. She'll try to convince you that its all your fault. If you show any guilt (which you have above) about looking at her phone, she'll totally use your guilt against you. If she's really good, you might end up apologizing to HER, until you walk away and the fog clears again.

Logic and reason will not apply.


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## MrRomantic (Jun 14, 2010)

Is what I've gathered enough "evidence" to confront her on it? I would like to avoid revealing I have read texts and emails...

Last night I went out to play poker. When I got back I asked her what she did that night, she said she sat around and watched TV, that's it. According to our cellphone online records she talked to him for an hour.

Just another piece to the puzzle...


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

What your wife is doing is telling you a "half truth" the half she does mind telling you (she was watching tv). The part she doesn't want you to know (talking on the phone for an hour to him), she purposely leaves out. My wife does the same thing. She is having a EA with her ex co-worker who now lives in FL.(she denies that it is this, and that they are just friends). She texts him every night at around the same time. If I am around her at this time, she will make up an excuse to go somewhere alone (store, going to get coffee, etc) in order to text him. If I ask her point blank did she text him, she will be truthful and say yes, but also that they are just friends and I need to get over this (she doesn't know I read her texts, and although they are not too bad, they are flirty in nature, and in my opinion innappropriate). If she knew I have read her texts she would go nuts, so for the time being, I just continue to moniter her behind her back. I would tell you to do the same thing, until there is no question they are involved (get concrete proof of it, not something she can deny or say you read it wrong etc.). I came home from work the other day and my wife was all done up in a real nice dress, hair done, make-up (something she hasn't been doing much lately.) I asked her what did she do today, and she said she went shopping (she never gets this done up to just go shopping) I knew there was more to it than that. I checked her texts and found out that the part that she left out was that she also went to the airport to pick up her friend who was here on business for a couple of days. She is only telling you the part of the truth that she knows you won't get upset with. Keep very close tabs on her. Married women should not hang out with other married men alone in my opinion. They are only asking for trouble, and eventually, thats what they will get.


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## MrRomantic (Jun 14, 2010)

Well it's certainly at the emotional affair level...I can't be sure about physical even though everything looks pretty bad. If it hasn't become physical, I certainly don't want to have to allow it to get to that point before I say anything.

It shouldn't be asking for so much to ask MY WIFE not to hang out alone with another man IS IT??? But I know she isn't going to like to hear that...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

You have to start the conversation somewhere and do it soon.

At a minimum, you need to express to her your concern about how much time she's spending alone with a guy that you don't know and ask her to back off. You can make it a more positive statement by telling her you'd like to spend more time together.

Her response to such a simple and "loving" request will tell you a lot about what's really going on.


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

You have every right to ask her to stop contact with this guy, but you have to ask yourself what am I going to do if she says no, or if she says ok, and then continues to contact him. Have answers for her ahead of time, and be prepared to follow through with them. If you tell her to cut all contact or else the marriage is over, then you better follow through, or else your threats don't mean much. In my case, when I confronted my wife with what I thought was inappropriate behavior she defended it and told me I was acting weird and needed to trust her, I didn't threaten anything though because we have kids and the truth is, I wouldn't leave her over this (though I don't like it one bit) and if I can't follow through on a threat, then I'm not going to give it. So I continue to monitor her and if something does develop that I can prove I will then tell her to end it or else I am done, and I will mean it because I won't stay with someone who is actively having an affair (kids or no kids). Ask her to stop but be aware that she may not, and you have to be sure on what action you will be willing to take. Good luck, I'm pulling for you!


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

I also wanted to add, I think that you are very generous at letting her go out to dinner alone with a single guy that she texts all the time, and then go back with him alone to his place to watch a movie. It sounds like a date to me, and I think if you asked anyone else, they would say the same thing. Ask her to ask a unbiased person if they would think this would be alright with them if their spouse wanted to act like this. Would she be cool with you doing all of this with a single girl? Probably not. Sounds like one of the other posters said, she acts as if she wants to be single and dating again.


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## MrRomantic (Jun 14, 2010)

russ101 said:


> So I continue to monitor her and if something does develop that I can prove I will then tell her to end it or else I am done, and I will mean it because I won't stay with someone who is actively having an affair (kids or no kids). Ask her to stop but be aware that she may not, and you have to be sure on what action you will be willing to take. Good luck, I'm pulling for you!



How can you live with that suspicious feeling...just waiting to catch her red handed? I don't know if my wifes relationship has actually become physical, but I find myself becoming ultra paranoid and totally stressed out about this. 

So you told your wife that the behavior was inappropriate and she said you were being silly...did anything change?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I want to suggest that the point of monitoring phones or computers is so that you can gather EVIDENCE, and then USE that evidence to confront your spouse and ask them to stop. If they then refuse, you then take that EVIDENCE to a close friend or relation of theirs and ask that person to talk to them. If THAT doesn't work, you take the evidence and then expose the affair to her key important people in her life, so that the affair is now out in the open for all the world to see, in hopes that she will stop it out of embarrassment or disgust. 

Monitoring is a means to an end. A tool to use to stop the affair.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Most of the posts on here involve people who had made a commitment and stuck to it for many years. Then came the "not in love with you stage". I wonder if she ever really made the commitment. You are so new to marriage. I flirted with other women for a couple of years after I married until I found my footing for the commitment. You are obviously commited to this marriage. You seem to have it all together. She stills has great interest in you. History on this website says the sooner you challenge this with confidence the easier it is to end. She might just be looking around and not "in love" yet. Tell her to stop. This should not be a conversation. A friend can not come between you. Ask Affaircare for some help here. Go to her thread. If your wife goes on with this you are in real trouble.


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

Mr. Romantic, I don't want to moniter her every move, but I do check her phone records so I can know when she is talking to him. I have already confronted her about what I thought was innapropriate and since she won't admit to anything, I just continue to monitor. If I get evidence of something that she cannot deny, then I will confront her with it, but until then, if I confront her she will just go underground with her communication better. Don't get me wrong, I don't enjoy doing this, and wish I didn't have to, but she has proven to me in the past that I cannot take her at her word. She tells "half truths". I know it is not a great feeling, but if you confront her before you have enough proof, she'll convince you that it is all in your head, and you need to trust her. She will be able to explain just about anything without proof. Monitor her and try and get proof of something before it actually goes physical (explicit texts, etc.). To be honest, she should just accept the fact that you do not like her spending time with this man alone for the sake of the marriage, but if you are not willing to actually do something about that, then you should just keep close tabs on her. Think seriously about hiring a PI to get your proof.


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## babyblue (Jun 19, 2010)

Oh honey, there is DEFINITELY something fishy going on there... letting her go out to dinner then to his place for a movie is a really bad idea. It is basically a date. You let her go on a date with another guy in your marriage. It's not about trust but about what is appropriate in a marriage with boundaries. I think you have every right to say you are uncomfortable with this, tell her it is hurting you and that you want her to date YOU and to have this kind of sparkle for you, not him. I know what it's like to feel that you have to make your partner really happy in order for them not to cheat on you, but that just rewards bad behavior. I think he knows about your situation and they both know where it will lead to eventually but pretend not to. I think it's time for Brandon to stop seeing your wife outside of work, ever.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Just because woman say they like romantic guys doesn't mean they do. You have to watch their actions. The flowers and poetry is nice for a short while, but then they often start responding to something a little rougher around the edges.

Suggest you check out my blog linked below. I go into greater detail about these issues in general and have posted on what to do about cheating in recent posts as well.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

BuddyL33 said:


> This is kind of an interesting read from a Blog I read:


The link to that post is Married Man Sex Life: Catching Up On Cheating And Why You Need A Contingency Plan

Thanks for the mention. As I've said in that series, much of what I've drawn from is advice from the TAM boards.


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## MrRomantic (Jun 14, 2010)

alright guys the discussion started tonight. It started by accident, and not exactly how I wanted to bring it up, but hopefully it happened for a reason. 

Tonight I was going to play poker. My wife made plans to watch a movie with Brandon at our house. I got home earlier than expected and she wasn't there. I texted her asking what movie they were watching. She said that they were at a movie theater.

I had been texting a friend venting about this situation while at the gym. I accidentally sent a text to my wife saying "Wow, thinking about kicking brandon's ass is really motivating for working out" :rofl: Holy big mistake batman.

This is our exchange:

"What do you mean? Are you working out?"

"I am working out"

"You said you were ok with me being friends with him! Why would you say that?"

"because I'm having problems believing you are just friends"

"That is not fair"

"how would you feel about me going on dates with single women?"

"you lied to me. you told me you were ok." (trying to flip it on me?)

"I was until things got suspicious"

"so I cant go to a movie?"

"Its not just the movie, its the culmination of many things"

"I dont know what to say if you are seeing something else..."

So now Im sitting at home waiting for her to get home. I think I need to tell her all of the reasons I don't like the situation, see what she has to say, and let her know that I don't think their relationship is appropriate. 

The following is from another thread I have going. In a nutshell, we had a big discussion on sunday about our relationship. I have realized I am smothering her to the point of her feeling like she wants out. She isn't good at communicating so this was a real revelation. I told her I want to give her the feeling of independence and personal space and have been making effort since.



> Since getting married, we have both noticed the gradual disappearance of that “in love” feeling. I understood that was expected but it appeared my wife did not. We struggled for a while in our relationship trying to learn how to love each other. This was not too difficult for me. All along in our relationship, I had been doing everything I could think of to show my love for her. I was not feeling any love returned to me. We both had read The Five Love Languages because it appeared that no matter what I did, I wasn’t making her happy and it appeared she didn’t know how to show me love either.
> 
> So during this feeling of disconnection, I really went all out trying to show her my love. I’m sure I hit on all of the languages of love and in multiple different ways. It still felt like she was slipping away. Sunday night, our anniversary night, is when the truth came out from my wife (who has never been one to communicate very well) and I had a revelation.
> 
> ...


So I'm not sure the timing was perfect since as of sunday she nearly told me the relationship is over. I do want to give her space, but its not fair that I should have to feel like my wife is cheating on me. 

WISH ME LUCK (and advice is welcome)


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You do NOT want to give her space when she is CHEATING! A cheater wants space so they can carry on the affair EASIER.

Stand up for your marriage, ok? Tell her that you can NOT accept a marriage where she brings in stray guys to be friends with. If that's what she needs, she needs to move out.

Risky? Maybe. But she HAS to see that you will NOT accept her even pretending to cheat. You have to respect yourself, before SHE will.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why do you think wives get swept off their feet by affair partners? Because THAT guy is pursuing her. Women love to be pursued, wanted, fought over. _Brandon _is pursuing her, and it's exciting.

Giving her space is the worst thing you could do.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> I have realized I am smothering her to the point of her feeling like she wants out.


You haven't been smothering her. You've been interfering in her affair - which you are _supposed _to do. There's a big difference.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sorry T I disagree. He WAS smothering her and she lost that lovin feeling. Now that she has it with someone else he has very little leverage. Better for him to walk out at this point, if she comes to her senses - great. But if not - he needs to learn from his mistakes.

Mr R,
Sorry man, but what you described was:
- being WAY too loving/nice/kind
- being too soft/agreeable and giving

My wife and I are both 47. I have to tell you that aside from the physical - yes she has stayed in shape - the hottest thing about her is that she is tough. Not mean, not nasty. Tough. I have a healthy fear of her. AND AND AND she has a HEALTHY fear of me. As she should. Not a physical fear - I have never and would never hit her. And that is true in reverse. BUT a fear of "If I jerk this person around - first my life is going to rapidly get difficult and then - they will be gone". 

True respect contains an element of fear. It might not be "nice" but it is true.



turnera said:


> You haven't been smothering her. You've been interfering in her affair - which you are _supposed _to do. There's a big difference.


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## MrRomantic (Jun 14, 2010)

Tunera, I believe that my smothering her has pushed her to try to get away from me, and that so happens to be toward Brandon. So given this situation, how am I supposed to not smother her and give her the personal space she needs yet stop the affair?

Most advice in an affair is to correct the problems you are causing...which has been smothering.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Of course you were smothering her dear, your starved for love and it only makes sense that you do everything possible to try to create that loving space that you crave - by pouring love on her. 

Of course, the more you pour love on her, the more she backs away. So, stopping what you are doing and allowing her space to come to you sounds perfectly reasonable. 

But what about you in the meantime and what about this situation with Brandon? Is giving her space, with the assurance that she's going to work on your marriage happening, or are you giving her space so she can continue to cozy up with this guy? 

Give her a few days to stew and find something to stay busy with so you aren't going crazy in your head with all these thoughts. Then, it's time to bottom line her. 

If she insists on carrying on this situation, then you might want to separate from her. To continue working toward your marriage, while she is working toward some other man is just not fair to you and you don't deserve it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's a difference between smothering - which IMO means needy, clingy, following around - and taking a stand for your marriage. That, to me, looks like you respecting yourself but NOT going along with her carrying on an affair on YOUR dime.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Totally agree with this. If fighting for his marriage means that he tells her he is leaving unless she completely shuts down the affair - then we agree on the definition of fighting for his marriage. 




turnera said:


> There's a difference between smothering - which IMO means needy, clingy, following around - and taking a stand for your marriage. That, to me, looks like you respecting yourself but NOT going along with her carrying on an affair on YOUR dime.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yep.

MB recommends that you do step up to the plate and start meeting all your wayward spouse's needs, becoming a better spouse, doing all the stuff you should have been doing. BUT...at the same time, fighting the affair by NOT paying for it (pulling all funds that contribute to carrying on the affair), NOT allowing it to go on in YOUR house, and setting a boundary that says you WANT them but you will not KEEP them if they refuse to stop cheating.

That's not smothering. It's becoming the spouse you should have been, but also respecting yourself and not begging them to stay.

fwiw, a wayward WILL tell you that you are smothering them, once you discover the cheating, and start being a better spouse. Why? Because you being a bad spouse is the EXCUSE they gave themselves to go ahead and cheat. If you suddenly 'change' and become the husband/wife they wanted all along, then the *cheating* looks wrong, not _you_. So they will accuse you of smothering.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

pardon me if i only paraphrase as there r way too many good quotes here to attack or help illustrate my pts. that said....

Mr R (and all the posting fellas here), are u all good buds from the same(womens)softball team??? post after post all i 
keep reading from u guys is {how its wrong for R to invade
her privacy?; how u know the OM name & prob address/whereabouts too and havent paid him a visit?issed:; how u let W go to his home on a date, basically?;:wtf:
boundries n smothering and where does all this poppy**** end?}

(this thread is shaping up to be alot like one that ran 16pgs
b4 it was wiped off the board altogether. M188 is that u again
writing stories?:bsflag: ----unbelievable!)

methinks only the ladies posting here have the most sense as
they tell it like it is. i will try to honor them n do the same.

no dancing around the subject, no putting it nicey-nice(just the way bruce, no "brandon" would like it eh?)

Mr R u r in denial of all sorts, shapes n sizes re: this sitcom w/ yer W n brandon. and i'm not going to waste my efforts on trying to convince u, show/give u material on subject 
of denial, or placate yer hurt feelings until u decide to let
go of same. whatever it takes, electric shock therapy,
ANYTHING, to get past denial status of:

1. u sent her wrong msg by wimply allowing her to sit unsupervised on his (broken in?)"comfy" couch, yes? 
if u r trying to be "metro" man, better for u to have them 
at your place whilst u make them hor d'oeuvres while they enjoy "free feels" & a movie together?
2. apologizing for invading her privacy. :rofl: puhleeez!
yer marr'd 4 crying out loud. this isnt yer GF, nor sister.
yes marriages r based on trust but THAT trust is based on
TRANSPARENCY. people here n all over the world seem to forget this concept. besides, if yer gut is telling ya trust
has been violated, what ya gonna do, stick yer head in the
sand? leave him/her w/ no proof? stupidly discuss it w/
them based on yer "insecurity?"(true or false thats what they'll say NO doubt) Privacy? thats reserved 4 the bathroom, but still not guarranteed. lol.
3. I agree w/ yer smothering definition, as u botched it by coming off as weak/needy, not the Alpha male laying down the law, but Turnera's right too in that u havent done anything wrong but interfere in yer W's probable infidelity. stop apologizing guys one n all and grow some.......

*He's got big BALLS and She's got big BALLS,
but i've got the biggest BALLS of them all !" :bounce:*-----AC/DC

your best approach if u can stomach it is to be strong, quiet like
and gather any evidence u can. u shouldve been over to that
house watching/taping anything u could. u still may be able to.
but dont be fooled into doing nothing as she may promise this n
that to u, saying she told him its over, when really its not.

or u can become Alpha male, tell her/him its over btwn them
or she can move out to live w/ him, and suddenly she wont be
as taboo-attractive to B anymore. 
but u sound like u dont mind sloppy seconds to me. thats too bad. cuz thats what u may get from her in long run if u keep up
the weakness/denial phase u r in.

are u pissed yet? good! because u need to snap out of the 
wimpy/whiny zone u appear to be in. e.g., no ultimatums/not 
ready for that yet = leverage/advantage W ! MAN up mon!

its ok. u're not the 1st to be here writing/feeling like this.
but whatever romantic fog shes been in, u r just as badly in
yer own denial fog. until u r out of it, u wont do much of 
anything right concerning yer rel'shp. GET OUT OF THAT FOG
U HEAR? its yer 1st step, but u seem to be holding out on 
step no.2, u digg? 

i would seek out tanelorn/affaircaire in their forum after u ditch
the denial phase/attitude/cop out/ defend her phrases etc.
THEY can guide u much better w/ alot of materials and personal
comments on how they put it all back together again.

the best............always.....4 all........................ray:


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## El Guapo (Jun 11, 2010)

You sound like me about a month ago. All of this BS about talking to her and sharing your feelings will get you nowhere, unless she is a good woman and really cares about you. In that case she will realize that she hurt you and will stop and work on the marriage. Unfortunately most of these women are selfish little ****s and have only their interests in mind. They don't give a damn about you or anything else. I'm not saying that is true about your wife, but probably it is. I have talked to my wife until I am blue in the face but it has gotten me nowhere. I am a nice guy and treated her like a queen. That was probably a mistake. It just spoiled her and enabled her. Now I have had enough and am slowly settingthings up so that I control everything we own (that I worked to pay for). When I am rock solid and not vulnerable to her taking half of what I own then the worm will turn and it will be shape up or ship out. I think she suspects something because I am having her sign everythign over into my control, but she is still doing it. I am being nice just long enough to get everything done.

Women like this don't respond to niceness. They have tobe hit with a 2x4. And then they will either snap out of it or walk away. It sounds like yours is like mine and extremely defensive. We'll see how mine reacts to tough love pretty soon.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Right now..all she knows is how good it feels!!!..so like 'cb45' stated so eloquintly...BALL UP!!!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> My wife and I are both 47. I have to tell you that aside from the physical - yes she has stayed in shape - the hottest thing about her is that she is tough. Not mean, not nasty. Tough. I have a healthy fear of her. AND AND AND she has a HEALTHY fear of me. As she should. Not a physical fear - I have never and would never hit her. And that is true in reverse. BUT a fear of "If I jerk this person around - first my life is going to rapidly get difficult and then - they will be gone".
> 
> True respect contains an element of fear. It might not be "nice" but it is true.


This is one of the best things written on this forum. I'll play the "nice" card as long as my wife also plays the "nice" card. But if either one of us plays the "mean" card, we'll play the "swift kick in the pants" card right back.


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## hibijibies (Feb 27, 2012)

K, I know this topic is old and the marriage may have ended or situation might have been resolved already, but I have something to say. I'm not sure if this person is telling a real story about himself or has some kind of fantasy about cheating wife's. I'm sorry but not even a couple in a good trusting relationship will let the other go out to dinner and watch a movie all cuddled up on the couch together, unless that's some sick fantasy. Surely if this lady is real then her ability to be true to you is very weak and you should expect some emotional/physical infidelity in the future. It's very kind of you to do what you do for her but she's a bit far from being an actual woman, but more like a horny man. Do you want STD's that she could bring home with her? My advice, is that if you still do not have kids, separate. Don't apologize for anything you did or said as this is entirely her fault, don't make it yours by sticking around. If you are back in a "loving relationship with her, chances are she has become good at lying to you, and or is currently having an affair". Take my advice, I'm not a cheater but have addictions that I've tried to hide. You can consider her situation a sexual addiction. Find someone who deserves what kind of man you are. Certainly giving your love to her is as good as flushing it down the toilet, as she does not know how to be in a healthy relationship. Yes, she will find someone else, but don't feel bad, she will be the same with the next guy when she gets bored.


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## JasonKaven (Oct 24, 2014)

It seems that you really need help! I think you are thinking this question for a long time and urgently want to find out all the truth and also wanna to know what happened with your wife. If you just need some evidence or info about what she did, that's easy, download a spy app like iKeyMonitor, everything will be clear asap! But this is not your aim, right? You can talk with her and tell her what you are feeling about. You will be always with her, and she is just curious with that guy. Don't give up.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

JasonKaven said:


> It seems that you really need help! I think you are thinking this question for a long time and urgently want to find out all the truth and also wanna to know what happened with your wife. If you just need some evidence or info about what she did, that's easy, download a spy app like iKeyMonitor, everything will be clear asap! But this is not your aim, right? You can talk with her and tell her what you are feeling about. You will be always with her, and she is just curious with that guy. Don't give up.


Zombie thread.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

How do people find these threads....


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## Fenris (Mar 4, 2014)

Probably either the "Similar Threads" links at the bottom, or a Google search.


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