# What to do when you can't...



## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

What about when you _can't_ have sex? Both the wife and I have spinal and other issues that regularly put the kibosh on our sex life. And by regularly, I mean "much of the time". Hers is an injury, I believe, and mine is a syndrome of some kind that is never known to get better - my back is slowly turning to solid bone ( won't bend) and the process is long and slow. And painful and always will be. 

Not all days are bad and neither are hers. And, I now work at a stressful (and sometimes physically stressful, too) job, and she's a student at a university in a very demanding program. Our hours aren't in sync, either, which makes our "opportunities" far, far too rare - and when they do occur, it's common that one or both of us is in pain. 

Me, I get by. There's the old "right hand" (and sometimes hers...), but that's not really the issue. I'm not the one who is having a rough time so much as she is. And she is because, well, as she not quite so delicately put it "I'm afraid of withering and drying up". It is true that sex keeps things in good shape and NOT having it can result in eventual issues. 

The medical practice these days is far more explicit about women - use it or lose it. Especially after the half century mark. And here's the thing. While she wants sex, has a reasonable sex drive, she will not (and I emphasize _not_) use toys, dildos, etc. Nor can I use them on her. We did, briefly, but it resulted in some rather disturbing hysteria on her part. Angry, crying, lashing out, talk of "substituting" them for the real thing, etc, etc. 

She was raised being told that women "do it" to get their men off, not because they want to. And a lot of other really disturbing and bad things were said and done, too - some criminal. No need for details, really. These are issues that have been and continue to be worked through. 

It pains and worries me to see her deny herself (and me the enjoyment of pleasing / pleasuring her) just because it's not exactly traditional PIV sex. School is stressful, mentally exhausting at times, and she still works some (have to, can't make ends meet without it). And when we can and do get to have some good satisfying sex, her mental state and energy and sleep are all much improved. ( mine, too) 

I've talked to her about it and she's not really wanting to tell me what she thinks - just that "I don't really want to". And admits that she's worried and bothered by the "lack", as I am. 

I know that the gamut of "normal" runs from people who never use toys, masterbate, or do anything "unusual" to those who just love doing anything and everything. It seems balance is healthy and needed. And we don't have it. 

At this moment, I'm just not sure what to think or how or why. Or even if I should care or if it's important. It just seems to me it should be - relationships without sex are not whole. And it seems that alternatives to the perfectly traditional and mundane are or should be essential. 

Thoughts?


----------



## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

oldgeezer said:


> What about when you _can't_ have sex? Both the wife and I have spinal and other issues that regularly put the kibosh on our sex life. And by regularly, I mean "much of the time". Hers is an injury, I believe, and mine is a syndrome of some kind that is never known to get better - my back is slowly turning to solid bone ( won't bend) and the process is long and slow. And painful and always will be.
> 
> Not all days are bad and neither are hers. And, I now work at a stressful (and sometimes physically stressful, too) job, and she's a student at a university in a very demanding program. Our hours aren't in sync, either, which makes our "opportunities" far, far too rare - and when they do occur, it's common that one or both of us is in pain.
> 
> ...


Having recently herniated a disc I truly sympathize. Being horny yet afraid of back pain is no fun. 

I was actually considering getting a bullet type vibrator for my wife. Or rather one to use on my wife as an aid on my part to give her pleasure. Tough that there is a no toy rule in your home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I think if I had to live on just the sex my husband can give me with his hands alone, that plus the immense intimacy we share, would work for me.

How are you with your hands? I mean, touching her vag, fingering, sensual touch of breasts, massage, etc.


----------



## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

soulseer said:


> Having recently herniated a disc I truly sympathize. Being horny yet afraid of back pain is no fun.
> 
> I was actually considering getting a bullet type vibrator for my wife. Or rather one to use on my wife as an aid on my part to give her pleasure. Tough that there is a no toy rule in your home.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The thing is, we have a half dresser drawer of them. I bought them for her over time and she said she "liked them" and... then I have come to think it was all an act. 

Or maybe not. I think there's something going on that I just don't know and don't know how to reach. Maybe she doesn't either. 

Frankly, I just think she's just repressing something, or resents something, or otherwise. I don't think it's about toys themselves. Every time over the years, when my wife gets really, REALLY upset or uptight about something, it's never been THAT, it's been something else. Every time. 

She believes she has a partially ruptured disc in her lumbar spine as well.


----------



## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> I think if I had to live on just the sex my husband can give me with his hands alone, that plus the immense intimacy we share, would work for me.
> 
> How are you with your hands? I mean, touching her vag, fingering, sensual touch of breasts, massage, etc.


I'm good, but in the winter (and I work out of doors some), I am unable to keep my hands smooth enough to be tolerable. I absolutely loved using hands and fingers (and some tongue work, too) on her, but that's come to end. 

Both of us are having severe skin problems since our move most of the way across the country to a different climate.


----------



## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

I take it from your name your up there in age. How old is your wife if she is still in school? I don't know if you can relate to my story, I am hoping you can take some inspiration from it and perhaps it can help in your situation.

Sex is very important in a relationship, the bonding it brings is essential. There can be a time in everyone's lives where, for one reason or another a couple are unable to have sex, be it forced separation or illness. Soon to be Mr. Sun Catcher was very ill last year, very seriously ill and we could not really have sex much. That was okay, although both of us are HD, his health was much more in the forefront of our thoughts than screwing our brains out. It took a back seat for quite a few months. We never stopped cuddling and his most desired moments were that I would just lay down next to him so he could hold me close. 

I don't remember suffering the lack of orgasms, not for one minute. I would just take my clothes off (except for the period in the hospital  ) and lie down with him, sometimes for hours. I didn't know at that time whether these would be our last minutes together or not. Nothing mattered other than our being close and the touch of our bodies. I could have gone on that way forever had I had to. Anything to make him happy, make him feel loved. 

Thankfully, he made a complete recovery. We now have our old sex life back and we are at it pretty regularly for a couple of middle aged geezers. 

The reason I have shared my story is that I sincerely believe, and my honey and I have talked about this lots, is that when the time comes that we may be too old or infirm to have active sex we will always have the cuddles and the closeness. We will bond together with or without PIV. 

Sex is wonderful and better yet if a couple is on the same level and give the same importance to the when/where and how often of their sexual intimacy. But, if love is true and the relationship is solid you will easily go with the flow of the ups and downs of life, including the sexual part. 

Anyway, for now we are making up for lost time and getting enough action so we have something to talk about when/if the time comes that for whatever reason we can't. 

Sorry I was so long, I do hope something from my experience can help you.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Just a note about the toys...we women aren't all the same. I enjoy vibrating toys, but insertion toys don't do anything for me. I do not enjoy having a "dead thing" inside of me, and I never have. Not by myself and not with a partner. It certainly has never made me felt like I was "getting some sex" the way having intercourse does. Not even close. 

In contrast, my husbands fingers inside of me feel AWESOME.

If he wanted to use insertion toys on me, I would do it...but it would give me no pleasure. If he was really into it - watching, etc...I might get a little buzz off seeing his pleasure...but physical pleasure for me would be zero, and in fact, sort of discomfort rather than pleasure.

I'm just throwing this out there because I think it might be assumed that any penis shaped object going inside a woman feels the same as a penis. To me, definitely not.


----------



## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> I think if I had to live on just the sex my husband can give me with his hands alone, that plus *the immense intimacy we share*, would work for me.


I have to comment on that (bold). That's the part I want and want more of. And her feedback is, that if it's not my d**k it's not intimate (not what she says... just my impression) and therefore unacceptable 'substitute'. 

Because of other health issues, I RARELY make it during sex. She does far more often than I do and I know she wants more, but won't let me (and won't do it herself) make it happen.


----------



## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

Sun Catcher said:


> I take it from your name your up there in age.


I'm half century - she's 46. My name is sort of a moniker that stuck because I used to play computer games and was usually BY FAR the oldest person in the game.


----------



## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

CharlieParker said:


> *Did you use them together?* I got my wife a bunch but they weren't accepted until we used them together rather than just her solo. (My bad.)


Yes, until she had repeated angry, crying, ranting fits about them. And I had thought she liked using them and then suddenly it's "I don't like them, never did" and I still don't believe much of any of it, but I can't for the life of me understand what the root thing is of any of it.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Maybe she doesn't want you to give up and go artificial? I do like insertion toys but they pale in comparison to the real thing, warm, flesh and blood, body heat, breathing, the intimacy...The Intimacy!!!!

Invest in some furniture. A massage table, a sex swing (I have one and I love it I have a bad back H has bad knees so when we are really swollen and achy...and the kids are gone...) firm foam pillows. If your back prevent movement, you could lay flat and she climbs on you. Now that can stress her knees if she squats on you, my fav, but she can sit on top and ride you without harming her knees.

Also, *go see a physical therapist. *They will be able to assess your strengths and weaknesses and teach you ways in which you can still get the job done. They also have women's physical therapists who work privately with women on sex and aging issues.


----------



## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

Back problems are a pain for sure as I have plenty of it,,,,i suggest looking at the liberator stuff, what I did and it helps me


----------



## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

I would also suggest getting a Essee Liberator chair it is used by many people who have spinal issues...it supports your back but allows the ability to do many positions comfortably. Google it the two pillows are really a plus also.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

very intriguing indeed


----------

