# Objective insight please (sorry, it's long)



## Evi (Mar 9, 2013)

New here, really need some objective insight.

Been married 14 years. My marriage is solid, my husband is awesome. He is my best friend and a wonderful father to our 3 kids. 

Recently (last 3 months or so) he has been suffering from some anxiety. He has 'episodes' where he is almost having a panic attack. This happens frequently. Enough to where he missed so much school that he failed one of his classes. He has gone to the doctor a few times.. she put him on attenolol for high blood pressure, and prescribed rest and 45 minutes of exercise a day. 

I am trying to be non-judgemental and understanding about his condition, but sometimes it really sucks. Like the day we had plans that I was really looking forward to, and he instead hid upstairs in our bedroom ALL DAY AND NIGHT while I was left to entertain our friends by myself and make excuses. Or how we will just be hanging out at home and I can sense him becoming really agitated and withdrawing from the family, because the kids are driving him crazy (we have two very active and loud young boys, and sometimes their activity level will send him into an episode). So then, if I want to keep my husband for the night, I have to somehow go into damage control with the boys, who aren't doing anything wrong (just being boys). It's like walking on eggshells all the time. Then, because he failed his class, we won't be getting reimbursed from his work for the tuition costs- We depend on that reimbursement to pay out kids's private school tuition. In addition, he has decided not to enroll for next quarter, which means we won't be getting money for that term either. So, it's left to me to figure out how we are going to pay the remaining 5 months of tuition for the year. STRESSFUL. I accept that he isn't feeling well enough to take classes, and I haven't nagged him about it at all. But, I still very acutely feel the stress of not having that money coming in, and having to figure something out. I haven't bothered him with it at all, I know he needs to focus on getting well.
And last, (I guess the final straw that led to a huge fight) was his saying that he wants to go on anti-anxiety meds. That freaked me out- I have already noticed some unpleasant side effects from his attenlol, and really fear adding to that. And, I guess his expressing his need for more meds really made it hit home that he is truly unwell and not getting better.

I did try to talk him out of the anti-anxiety meds.. asking him to try other,more natural remedies first. He agreed to that. But then, somehow the conversation strayed to him accusing me of not being supportive, and being emotionally distant... How he needs me to be extra loving and indulgent, etc etc. I went on the defensive (of course), and said I was not *trying* to be emotionally distant, but this **** is stressing me out and my distance and upset are byproducts of what we are dealing with- That his health issues are no longer effecting just him, and that I am suffering a little under the strain and weight of it all. He says this should be all about him (direct quote), and basically how dare I try to make this about me... 

Fast forward to today, he says he 'never' gets a break from the kids. He is really jealous (admittedly so) that I get 3 hours to myself each day while the kids are at school. He ALWAYS reminds me that he NEVER gets that reprieve. Seriously, I have to hear about it all the time. It's frustrating because I'm not just sitting around the house doing nothing during that time- I'm often running errands, cleaning, or going on field trips with the kids- You know, doing things for OUR FAMILY. Also, he made the choice to change his work schedule, which meant he would have to work monday thru friday- I told him when he was making the change that he would be giving up his two days of freedom a week.. but he said it was worth it. Now I have to hear about it ALL THE FRICKING TIME and it annoys the **** out of me. I never complain about 'needing a break', and I feel most mothers don't... and yet he feels entitled to one, and almost seems to resent me for having that time to myself.. I tried to bring up today how yes, I do get some time to myself each day, but I also am home with the kids much more than he is and thus by the time kids go to bed I also go to bed because I am so exhausted... whereas he gets home at dinner time, plays with kids for an hour or two, and then sends them to bed and has the whole evening to himself. I wasn't trying to make it a competition, just trying to get him to see the other side of things. Once again, he accused me of 'making it about me' and not him, and not acknowledging his complaint. 

I'm not trying to pit mothers against dads, or anything.. it is just something I have noticed (dad's needing/requesting that 'away' time, while mothers just see it as part of having a family)..

ANYWAYS, I would really, really, really appreciate some objective insight here- Am I not being supportive enough? Am I right in thinking he is being a tad selfish, wrapped up in his own issues and unable to see or appreciate how it effects me? I really want to know if I am being unreasonable in feeling overwhelmed by everything and requesting space to sort through my feelings on what is happening (aka emotional distance), given that I feel I give him lots of space to deal with his anxiety and such.. 

I need some advice and insight. I don't feel comfortable talking to my friends or family about this, and feel really alone in all this. 

Thanks


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hi Evi, it sounds like you and your husband are entering the highly challenging stage of: "Who Has More Stress And Who Is More Deserving Of A Break" I don't know of a single family that hasn't gone through this challenging stage while raising a family. But I'll get back to this in a moment.

First, what's going on with you H? He's taking a beta-blocker (atenolol) for panic attacks? Has he been diagnosed with blood pressure problems or heart rhythm trouble? Has he been diagnosed with panic attacks? Can't speak about medical issues but I can say that if he is having panic attacks along with generalized anxiety, he will need meds AND therapy. Meds alone will only go so far. Meds will help therapy be more effecting in learning techniques for dealing with anxiety and easing panic before it becomes debilitating. First, get the bottom of his health situation. If he needs meds for anxiety, he also needs therapy. he can do therapy with out meds, but a panic attack is really really awful and can make everything get worse. His hiding in the bedroom is evidence of how a panic attack can make everything worse.

Second, young kids, two parents working, heavy financial burdens.... Ahhh good times good times! I look back and wonder how on earth I got through it all. When the stress and pressure of of daily life leave either of you beaten down, it's time to change daily life. While I can see that changing schools might not be what either of you want, but running yourselves into the ground and driving a wedge between you two in order to cope with the demands, you have to really contemplate just how important that particular school is for your kids? You may list a thousand excellent reasons for the sacrifices you make to send them to this school, but if those sacrifices and the occompanying demands are taking otherwise healthy happy couple into sick and combat zones, it's just not worth it. If not changing schools, what are some other ways you can alter daily life so that you each have time for yourselves and for each other? What can be eliminated? What can be put on hold for a month or two, year or two?

What you and your H are facing is the time of life when all the things you both have planned to have, planned to do, planned to be are beginning to happen and reality is far different from what you planned. Maybe you planned to have two incomes to pay for private school but reality is that those demands take important self care time, time you BOTH need equally.

What can you do for this week and coming weekend? cancel something and stay in. Leave the kids with a sitter or send them to a sitter to give you and H some time to take care of yourselves and each other. You H has told you he needs your support but your daily life prevents you from having enough left over for him. Thats not a good way to keep a marriage strong. You have to put him first and he has to put you first. Then you both have enough energy to deal with the kids, the jobs, the money and the schools.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Is it possible that financial expectations are getting to high?

Is your husband the main bread winner?

Also to many responsibilities and no funny nights?

Maybe you both need to downsize your life expectations.

Better to have a happy family with a smaller house than
a big house a divorce later.

Does he suffer from depression at all?
Do both of you communicate openly?
Can he talk to you with out you judging him?

Unless you have ever had this,you can't imagine it in 
your worst dreams.Your mind makes things in life seem
worst than they are.

He needs to talk to someone also to help.If he keeps it inside
it will only make it worse.

Try to be understanding to him,support him.If you show
anger you will only push him deeper away.

This is a mental sickness,just it affects how your brain
views life.Many people live normal lives with this,so 
help him.


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