# Questions about Wife's Infidelity



## Stuie (Jul 23, 2010)

Together 19 years, married 18. My wife was 22 when we married and I was her first sexual partner, she was my second. We have four kids age 12 and under.

My wife revealed a month ago that she had carried on a PA from January into November 2009 with a married man we both know. Two weeks into the healing process, I found that it became more of an EA from November 2009 up until she revealed the affair to me, at which point she did cease all contact with the OM. The physical aspect ended mostly due to medical problems on the OM's part, but my wife insists she had misgivings and would have ended that anyway. She put off telling me for several reasons, including not wanting to lose the "friendship" she had with the OM. She's been completely honest (as far as I can tell) and is willing to answer any and all questions.

To complicate matters, after a nasty incident that occurred after her initial revelation (net result of which was me waking up in jail thinking "WTF?"), I confessed to being an alcoholic. This gave her an entirely new perspective on why our marriage was so messed up that she found her way into an affair, and in some ways gave her more hope that we could work things out.

Present day: We are in counseling and communicating well (in my opinion). There's no contact between them and I've been sober for a month.

That's the short version. I have some questions:

1. How do I get the images of them together out of my head? She insisted that I was probably blowing things out of proportion, and I responded that I was picturing her lying there like a corpse while he did her. "Well it WAS more than that," was her response. Uh huh. Don't give me the "you're picturing more than what really happened" line.

2. She gave him oral sex. It tooks YEARS before she would do that for me. Now I feel like I broke her in so it would go easier for the next guy. Guess I shouldn't have asked about it, but too late now! Any idea how I get past my resentment/disgust that she would do this for another man? I have a real hang-up with this.

3. She wants to make sure his wife knows everything, because it turns out there were others besides my wife, possibly MANY others (and yes she has been tested for STDs). Good idea/bad idea?

4. Speaking of the many others, my wife feels betrayed (!!!) that she wasn't the only one. HUH?? Seriously?? She felt "special" being his girl on the side, but not when it turned out she wasn't the first. I cannot even comprehend this thought process. Anyone care to shed light on this for me?

I'm sure I'll have more questions, but that's a good start.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

In reverse order.. 

4. Tell her *she was the cheat* you do not give a dam about him. She is still in the FOG, he is still more important than you. 

3. Again tell her she was the cheat you do not give a dam about him. The OM’s wife has nothing to do with her, if any one wants to expose it will be you for the correct reasons. She still has a leg in the other camp, thinks if the OM’s wife’s knows she will have a chance. 

2. Normal in an affair they do things that you never get at home, part of the fantasy 

1. You are entitled to the information to bring closure on it


Summary: Sit down: agree a timeframe to end this, not months but lets say 10 days, make sure she understands to help you recover, recover your marriage and rebuild the love with her she must answer all questions you ask honestly no matter how difficult they are. 

You need to then shut this down and drive it from your mind. 

Forgive now and move forward

Both of you need to urgently go to a professional councillor, do not try fix this without expert outside help.

As for the OM, since you only have her word this is over get her to mail him a no contact letter. This should not be a problem for her and it lets you and the OM know this is over. You read the letter before it is mailed out. 

Samples on no contact letters and some reading for you..

Sample No Contact Letters

The Purpose Of No Contact

How Do Most Affairs Start?

Affair Care Coaching: 7 Steps to Rebuilding Your Marriage After the Affair is Ended

Affairs happen for a reason, be very prepared to change as you may have had a big part in this. Admit this to her, she needs to trust you and start transferring her feelings to you 

Al the best.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there and I'm sorry you found your way to this forum but we are all here to help you through this....
When a spouse has an affair after being married a lot of years, it just shatters everything we believed in about our partners, for some reason we get to a point that we think they couldn't possibly do anything like that to us, after all we have so much history together, parents and so on......trusting them to much was our first mistake....
First of all you have to make sure there is absolutely NO CONTACT with the OM......
You have have to make sure that you put things into place that she can never be in a position again to have an affair with anyone.....
You must work on making the marriage better and making sure both of you are happy and satisfied......
You have to be honest, build trust again.....and learn to believe in your spouse again.......
As far as the images of your spouse and the OM, try to redirect your mind as soon as the though happens, or just have a cry to release the emotions, this is what I do.....it gets better with time......
Don't beat yourself up about what she did for him and start working on enjoying what she is doing for you.....don't let the affair take anymore from you then it has......
I think as well maybe the OM's wife has a right to know, this is her life we are talking about, her health.......
As far as her not feeling special, let her feel this, she will twice about doing something like an affair if this is all it means....nothing, she wasn't anything special to this guy.....don't waste your time on any thoughts of him and her together.......didn't mean anything.......your marriage is worth a try and 100% try...........good luck


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Re: #2: She was 22 when you married and you were her first. Girls are typically not as gung-ho about that kind of stuff, and are raised with certain issues surrounding doing such things. She had to grow up, mature, before she could look at that stuff and not feel (1) embarrassed, (2) ashamed, or (3) disgusted as, back then, it was considered somewhat out of the norm or what a woman is expected to do. So she had to grow into the position of being able to do it with/for you. 

I married when I was 21, and when I was 30, I was still feeling embarrassed about SF and worrying what my mom would think. 

Don't make the mistake of thinking she approaches SF mentally the same way you do.

Oh, and usually, women get into the SF aspect of an affair because the man wants it, and she wants to please him to keep getting the Emotional Needs supplied that he provides - talking to her, complimenting her, etc. I imagine quite a few woman would much rather just have an EA than a PA.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

It's going to take time. Yes, counseling should definitely happen, and asking questions to get closure should also definitely happen. But, in the end, time is still the big requirement for getting over this. 

The images will eventually not be so prevalent in your mind. When they start to enter your head, force them out. Force yourself to think about other things. Allowing the images to enter your mind, allowing the little "movie" of what they did or might have done to play out on the screen in your mind is only going to keep the feelings of resentment, betrayal, etc. in the forefront and make moving on more difficult. 

As for the oral...I know the first time a guy wanted me to do that for him, I was very nervous, since I'd never done it before. I put it off as long as I could, because I was afraid he'd laugh or say I was bad at it or something like that. It was only after I learned how to do it and gained confidence from his response that I became willing to do it and would even do it without prompting. That is probably what happened here. You built her confidence up, and so it was easier for her to do that for him. In a way, I suppose that could be a good thing, although I know you don't think so. 

His wife does need to know, but it's not your wife's place to tell her. #1, I think she's just hoping that his wife will leave and then maybe she and he can be together. #2, it's just not her place. The other guy needs to tell his wife. He needs to come clean. 

And as for your wife feeling betrayed because she wasn't the first or only...well, I have no sympathy there. And you shouldn't either. She was cheating. That's it. She was screwing around, and in the process, got a taste of her own medicine. So sorry, but not gonna feel bad. Just tell her straight out that you aren't going to feel bad for her. 

I've never cheated, but I have been cheated on. I know the pain you're going through right now. My marriage didn't last, only because he couldn't stop cheating. Your wife is in counseling with you, and is trying to work it out. Given time, and real effort by both of you, you probably can make it work. Good luck!


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## Stuie (Jul 23, 2010)

Thank you for the responses; very helpful! "No contact" has already been established - my wife took the correct steps prior to revealing the affair to me. She cut off all contact and changed her reporting structure with work. My only problem is that our kids are in the same schools, same grade level. Not much we can do about that short of moving, which I am not willing to do. I will not disrupt my kids because of this.

I feel like I should disclose something else: 13 years ago I had an EA which my wife discovered. We took all the right steps then, despite not having handy internet resources like this readily available. However, this means my wife has a good idea as to what I am going through, and she is using that experience to guide her responses to me regarding her PA/EA. She knows what hurt and helped as well as what hurt and didn't help - from her perspective of course. She is very willing to answer ANY question, but she cautions me to make sure I really "need" to know something in order to move forward.



> she wants to please him to keep getting the Emotional Needs supplied that he provides - talking to her, complimenting her, etc. I imagine quite a few woman would much rather just have an EA than a PA.


She has expressed these feelings exactly. She craved the emotional aspect, and felt that giving him the physical stuff would draw him closer to her. Of course, I know men don't work that way. He probably enjoyed the no-strings-attached sex and figured the rest was a small price to pay.


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