# Dont like feeling this way



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Its been a long time since I posted on here. The divorce was final in april. Went through my sons graduation and end of school functions without much drama. I went through the divorce care classes from church. I have tried to stay busy fixing up the house and being independent. I must say though I was unprepared for the bitterness and sometimes just plain hatred I feel for my spouse. He has moved on of course and is on girl number two which seems to be the love of his life. I have been involved with a guy to mostly talking but I cant have a realationship with him while I still have all of these unresolved feelings. I didnt see any articles posted about how to stop hating your spouse. Can anyone recommend a good book....I know it will come with time....I know i should be praying more about it....but as I said I just dont like it. I just want to live the rest of my life without having a disgusted look on my face everytime his name is mentioned....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

noideato20,

sorry to read that your having such a difficult time with the end of your divorce. I understand completely what your going through and the feelings you are having. Its only natural, it shows that you cared and have a heart.. Give it time.. eventually a day will come when you can see him or hear his name and nothing will be felt inside, its sad I know, I feel the same about my ex. Early in our marriage I saw the way she treated her first husband, in the back of my mind I knew oneday that would be me..:scratchhead:


My divorce was finalized around the time of yours.. almost 16 years together thrown away.. I have a book at home about Forgiveness that I found to help a great deal. I will look later for a name and publisher and let you know. You sound spiritual.. the book deals with the Bible and how forgiveness is necessary for ourselves.. With acceptance of the situation as it is comes clarity and peace of mind... Kind of sounds to me like you haven't accpeted the fact that its over. With time that will come as will the end of your bitterness.. I will keep you in my prayers and wish you the best. There is a world of possibilities out there waiting for you to discover.. Good luck 

Skin.........


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The only power an ex can have over you once the cord is cut, is what you choose to give to them.

As Skinman said, this is why forgiveness is important. The act is far more about what you are giving to yourself rather than what you are giving him.

The bitterness, disgust, hatred, impacts you ... not him. Work towards joyful - in whatever form it comes. Happiness and self-satisfaction are in your hands, not his.

So I say go ahead and be pissed for a while. But ... take care of yourself. Part of your own care taking should eventually be to forgive and let go ... maybe after you key his car.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Thanks you guys for your comments. They are appreciated. Skinman I would like to have the title of the book it sounds like a good one. I was told in that class that I had to pray to be ready to forgive so thats what I am working on now. Your right D it is certainly not bothering him in the least and your right I am just now beginning to sort through it. Its like he said to me " that last eighteen years meant nothing to me...im over it before I ever even left" thats where all the bitterness comes in. I am taking a day at a time because thats the only choice we have but its just hard to believe sometimes that you lived with a person that long and didnt know them. Wow. Anyway thanks again for words of encouragement, sure helps to know I am not the only one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Your quite welcome noideato20,

The name of the book is "When you've been Wronged- moving from bitterness to forgiveness" .. By Erwin W. Lutzer..

great book I highly recommend it .. Reading it helped me greatly to get over my bitterness towards my ex.. Keep doing what your doing.. oneday this will all seem like a bad dream.. Keeping you in my prayers...

Skin.......


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Well here I am again. Got the book but havent started it yet. Right now I am reading "How to forgive...when you dont feel like it" by June Hunt. Guess you can never really read to many forgiveness books. So went on annual vacation, first one without "him". Everything went ok except he was texting me. Said he had a dream about me and said he missed me and said he wasnt happier. All of these in seperate texts, but never said I want you back or anything like that. I finally told him I wasnt over him yet and that if he talked to me about anything but the kids I didnt know how to handle it......he said omg which I thought was so stupid....what is that.....he said omg I am so sorry I have stepped out of bounds ect...anyway long story short I have been set back to say the least....I would take him back....my emotions are all over the place....the basic thing is he didnt ask.....anyway who has been through this??? What do I do??? THIS SUCKS.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

There are some feelings that may never go away. I've been divorced almost 7 years, and I still can't stand my ex. We just can't get along, that will never change. And there are some things he has done (mostly to my kids) that I will simply never get over; never be able to forgive. I have simply learned to accept that these feelings won't go away and not to let them rule my life. I don't dwell on those feelings; I try to avoid thinking about him whenever possible. He makes it easy by having decided to cut himself out of our children's lives; one of the things I will never forgive him for. 

I think the books suggested are great for you to read. But, be open too, to the idea that some of the feelings might never really go away and that you'll just have to learn to force them away as much as possible and not dwell on them. Even though I can't stand my ex, and have feelings toward him that are not good, I've managed to move on. I have no difficulty in realizing that my boyfriend and my ex-husband are two very different men (obviously, or I wouldn't be with my boyfriend! lol). 

It might just be that you aren't ready to date yet; and there's nothing wrong with that. You might be holding on to these feelings to give yourself an excuse not to date. Give yourself time. Even if the feelings don't ever go away, they should get better with time.


----------



## mbartz462 (Aug 22, 2010)

noideato20,

My divorce is not final yet but I was reading your post and I just wanted to recommend a great book for you, especially since you've suffered an emotional "relapse" because of your ex. It's called "Coming Apart: Why relationships end and how to live through the ending of yours" by Daphne Rose Kingma. I'm reading it now and it's an excellent book for dealing with the emotional rollercoaster. It shows you that you're not crazy while you're going through this and it has writing exercises to go through that take you through each stage of the healing process. Kingma says that you must go through each stage of grief properly in order to heal from the truama of a broken relationship. And don't worry, she makes it clear that you will think you're over one stage, like crying all the time, and something will trigger you one day and you'll have a meltdown. Just because you've made it "past" one stage doesn't mean that you will not go back there, especially while your divorce is still fresh. Yes, I still have my very good and very bad days even after working through almost all of the exercises (I'm not quite done with the book yet) but I know where the emotions and thinking I'm going through are coming from. It's really opened my eyes and I don't know where I'd be without that book. Anyways, just thought I'd recommend it to you. I really hope that everyone's situation improves, I'll be praying for you all. God Bless.


----------



## mbartz462 (Aug 22, 2010)

I'm sorry, I just reread my post and realized it made it sound like I was dealing with my divorce very well and I didn't want to sound like one of those "it's gonna be okay, get over it, time heals all wounds" people. Every day is a struggle for me, just like all of you and I just wanted to pass along that book to you because it has helped me in dealing with this a little bit better than if I hadn't read it at all. The last few days have been very hard and I just didn't want to insult anyone by seeming like I was okay with my divorce and everything was great. I apologize for that. Hopefully the book will help you if you decide to pick it up.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

noideato20,
You're going through the grieving process. Anger, bitterness etc. is all part of the process. You're grieving what was and what might have been, the plans you had for the future etc.

I'm separated, not divorced but I don't need a piece of paper to know my marriage is over, in the same way I didn't need a piece of paper to know that I loved my wife and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

I couldn't get an understanding of the very powerful emotions I was feeling when we separated especially the anger and strong dislike, bitterness and resentment. I've never been that angry before in my life and it was for such a long time. It took me six months to work throught it and get it down to a manageable level.

Then I was told about the grieving process and looked it up and everything made sense. I've now got to the acceptance stage and my inner peace and contentment has returned.

But I'm not like you. If my wife wanted to come back to me then there's no way I'll let her back in. I'm never going through this stuff again.

Bob


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

mbartz462.... Thankyou very much for recommending the book. I will get it and read it. I am starting to get the feeling I am going to have to read ALOT of books before I get over this. You didnt sound at all like you thought you were sounding on the post. The one thing your doing is trying to work through it by reading or whatever it takes. Your trying to be healthy about it which is what I am trying to do. I dont want to be a bitter divorced woman. I want to understand as best as I can and move on. I want to love again. 
Bob, If I could have that frame of mind and say to myself I would never take him back I think I could on. Lord only knows why I think I would take him back. I do know it involves alot of unreal expectations like him being sorry and him willing to get counseling ect...If I would listen to this friend of mine I would move on....she said if he really loved you he wouldnt have left and thats true....if he really loved me he wouldnt have cheated on me. I have to learn that regret on his part doesnt mean love it just means regret. I am saying a prayer for everyone on here to its an awful thing this divorce business and makes you stop and question everything. Nobody like someone else to choose for them how their life is gonna turn out. I just keep reminding myself that now its up to me to turn it into the life I want. I just dont know what that is yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Well this is one for the record book. My x texts me today and tells me he needs to see a therapist do I know any. I text him back kind of what for and he tells me he needs to learn how to be happier with himself and learn how to have self esteem...!!! Good grief!!!! Self esteem alrighty then. So yes I am angry again . This is the guy that I begged to get counseling for our marriage and he would do nothing for our seventeen yr marriage but now his little self esteem is bothering him. Eeeaakk. What I really wanted to say was you know what does wonders for someones self esteem is to not leave their family. Another thing that helps self esteem is to stop thinking about ones self all the damn time...anyway glad it was a text so he couldnt see my eyes rolling back in my head. Then to top the day of he came to our sons sporting event and spent thirty minutes of it over in the parking lot talking on the phone with one eye on the game. Heres what i say ....you know what your self esteem. Narcissist!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

