# Sexless, not loveless



## Sunnyx1 (Jan 19, 2018)

Account Killer


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Have you been to see a doctor about the pain?

Have you tryed different positions?


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## Sunnyx1 (Jan 19, 2018)

Accountkiller


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Do you have kids? If so, did you have a c section?

I have never had one, but I heard recently some women have pain after c sections for a long period of time, and it hurts to have sex.

Maybe someone else can chime in?

Is it your hubby's personality that is unattractive, the way he treats you, or physical stuff, like hygiene, extra weight?

You say your relationship is perfect though, so what gives?


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Hmm tough one... You saw two doctors and they found nothing wrong which always makes me assume you have a problem in your head... but there are rare diseases out there that many doctors arent aware of.

Does it hurt if you use fingers? Vibrator? Is it just on entry (first few inches) that hurt or something inside?
Some girls don't enjoy their cervix being touched (inside) - could he be hitting this during sex?

There is a funny line from entourage where he goes "the vagina is my 3rd favorite hole" -> so you have other options to please your husband with if you really cared about his sexual release.

Although if you dont even find him attractive (you dont desire him) then im not even sure what you are hoping to accomplish.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

Have any doctors suggested Vulvodynia? This is a hard to identify neurologic problem of the female genitals. Sometimes caused by giving birth, or other traumas to the area, it shows no physical signs but results in painful, burning sensation during intercourse. I'm not a doctor and don't have a vagina, but it sounds bad. I assume you've tried extra lube and different speeds/depths of intercourse? You sound like a caring wife, I hope you can find a non-painful way that you can both enjoy each others bodies.

Why don't you find your husband attractive, and what attracted you to him then?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Could you have endometriosis? It sounds like you might. It can grow on your bladder, too.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Vaginismus?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

When you say you don't like sex does that mean you have never or cannot now orgasm even through masturbation?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I suggest you start by posting this story on here https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/

Here I started looking for you.

https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/xyqlf/rsex_faqs_experiencing_female_sexual_pain/

You will have a much better chance with some targeted answers so you need to post on a targeted board. 

Let us know what happens.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP 
A few questions / comments.

First - you say what a wonderful person he is and that you love him. Please think carefully to yourself - is he really? Do you really love him? Are you really happy when he is happy? Do you enjoy having him around? Don't just tell yourself what you want to hear, but really be honest with yourself. I ask because often sexual problems are the result of other issues, rather than the root cause. I'm not saying that is the case here, but please think carefully to be sure that you are focusing on the right issue.

OK, assuming the problem is fundamentally sexual, not something else

Are you on medication like anti-depressants that can reduce sexual desire? Any long term medications? Some of these can have a horrible effect on desire, and a lack of desire can result in sex being uncomfortable / painful for women without an underlying physical cause.


You have talked to doctors and the haven't found anything. That doesn't mean that here is no problem but it does suggest thinking hard about lack of desire as a root cause. 

If he loves you, then you should tell him so that you can work on this together. I know you are trying to be good to him, but you are not really doing him a favor by not letting him know that he is hurting the woman he loves.


OK, now to get a little explicit. 

Can you orgasm by masturbation?

Can you penetrate yourself with a sex toy that is roughly human sized without discomfort? Is this a simple physical size issue, or something more complex (allergies etc)? I think this is worth learning if you don't already know. 

Is he willing to please you in other ways - oral etc. Do you think he would be OK with your pleasing him on other ways while you work this out? If he loves you, he should be OK with this.

Are there things that arouse you?


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

How old are you?


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## PappyJack (Nov 1, 2013)

OP, my wife could have written something like that less than ten years ago.
Sex had stopped because it hurt her.

I finally decided I would have sex, with someone.
I would prefer her, but someone...

Anyway I set out to improve myself, make myself more sexually attractive. About three months into my 'project' sex started up, but it was painful for her. She found a better doctor, he fixed a minor problem, she worked with dilators, but mostly, I was getting stronger, better, and trying to be a better person. not a nice person, I was already 'nice'. 
Long story short, we have sex about five times a week, she likes it, she initiates more than I do, oh, and she finds me attractive again. 

So how about letting the husband know, letting him do his own research on becoming more attractive and less 'nice'.
It works.

Don't tell him what you want, let him discover what you need on his own, just point him in the right direction.

Our sex life after more than 40 years of marriage is way superior to our first years.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Very helpful starting point.

We had 21 years of mutually enjoyable sex - including a lot of intercourse. Then it became very painful for my wife - M2. She saw specialists, took meds, etc. didn’t really work. 

So we stopped doing that and switched to other stuff. And we’ve been happily doing other stuff for 6 years. But M2 feels desire for me, which is a big deal. Let’s face it, giving someone oral when you aren’t attracted to them - would be not fun. 

That said, hand jobs augmented with olive oil are very very good. Part of what makes this all work is the fact that we are super compatible overall. 





Sunnyx1 said:


> Oh god, where to start. About 11 years ago I met my husband. Our relationship started out unhealthy. He was into Doomsday stuff & I became scared & so I initially stayed with him because I felt I needed him to literally survive. Eventually we grew out of this nonsense but by the time this happened we were already engaged & I felt trapped. Then the wedding was being planned & oh god. For sure too late now.
> He is the sweetest, kindest, most intelligent, most thoughtful person I've ever met. Our relationship is perfect in every possible way except .... I don't enjoy sex. I'm perfectly healthy as far as standard exams go but it burns & there's intense pressure/pain on my bladder & uterus. And... As much as this hurts to say this I'm not sexually attracted to my husband. I use my meds as an excuse for dryness, we use lube & I try to mask my discomfort by hiding a hand that's digging into my palm or sheets & faking an enjoyment face.
> Problem: He's noticed & now my intellectually perfectly compatible husband is depressed & has turned to porn. I don't blame him. It does hurt he's watching porn but I understand. I just hate that he's depressed. He loves me & hates that he's been (unknowingly for so long) hurting me but desires a sexual relationship. I love him so much but I just don't know what to do. I'll never find someone to enjoy sex with even if I do find them attractive (hurt with guy before husband too) & I will never find someone else who perfectly suits me. I'm debating about telling him most of everything & offering to set him free. He deserves to be happy. Help? I guess? I don't know... Just... Help?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Vulvodynia




Bananapeel said:


> Vaginismus?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Steve2.0 said:


> Hmm tough one... You saw two doctors and they found nothing wrong which always makes me assume you have a problem in your head... but there are rare diseases out there that many doctors arent aware of.


That's probably not a good assumption to make when a person says that there is a problem. More often than not, the problem is rea but the doctors she/he has seen have just overlooked the problem.

It took me going to 10 doctors before one finally realized that my problem was not in my head.. but tuberculosis.

I have a friend who went to several doctors for about 4 years, all told her that it was in her head and gave her anti-depressants and other such meds. Then she finally found a doctor who paid attention what she was says... the problem was not in her head. It was a tumor that had grown to be the size of a watermelon, about 9 lbs. 

You see, especially with women, doctors tend to assume that it's a mental health problem and ignore the woman's valid problems.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I agree. Medical science and doctors really are not that good at solving some sorts of problems. 





EleGirl said:


> That's probably not a good assumption to make when a person says that there is a problem. More often than not, the problem is rea but the doctors she/he has seen have just overlooked the problem.
> 
> It took me going to 10 doctors before one finally realized that my problem was not in my head.. but tuberculosis.
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The OP has deleted her posts. Thread is therefore now being locked. 




Sunnyx1 said:


> Account Killer


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