# Should I stay or should I go



## Female In Crisis (Mar 16, 2013)

I really need some assistance on this one... 

I've been with my partner for over 7 years and for the last few months I've been really feeling that I would like to be on my own for a while... completely independent. I don't want to hurt my partner, but I think I might be happier on my own. I've summarised the reasons that I've been thinking this and I would really appreciate any assistance / advice I can get. I don't want to talk to friends and family about it and I most definitely can't talk to my partner about it.
1) 2 years ago I had decided to break up with my partner. I stayed in the relationship because he had depression. I figured that all couples have their ups and downs and I didn't want to leave him when he needed me most. He is back to his normal self now, but through the year that he battled depression (taking it out on me), my feelings towards him changed and I haven't been able to generate the same feelings that I had for the first 4 years of the relationship.
2) I am 26 years old and all of my friends and siblings are getting married. I'm absolutely terrified of getting married but I can't decide whether I'm scared of getting married or if I'm scared of getting married to my partner. 
3) I want some independence in my life. I moved straight in with my partner after moving out of my parents house, so I feel like I have always had someone telling me what to do and how to do it. I've never been completely free to make my own decisions. I don't want to get to 50 years old and realise that I've been living the life I've been told to live rather than the life I've wanted to live. I doubt I would do anything differently to what I do at present, but it would be nice to be able to make some decisions about my life without worrying about someone else's opinion.
4) I love my partner and I don't want to hurt him, but I'm wondering if I would be happier on my own. In the past 6 months, I've been doing "fly in - fly out" work and I find that I go through several stages during my time away from home. For the first week I miss my partner, for the second week I'm fairly neutral, and in the final week I don't want to go back home because I enjoy being independent. Is this right? Or should I always miss him?
5) I've had tiny crushes on other men in the past, but never acted on it. Whilst working away, I've developed strong feelings for one of my colleagues. I'm positive that my feelings aren't reciprocated, but I'm tempted to talk to this guy about my feelings just to test myself... shouldn't I love my partner enough that I could never develop such strong emotions for another man?
6) I've mentioned this before, but I really don't want to hurt my partner. As far as he is concerned we are "happy as larry", but I'm not. We also have a mortgage and live together which will make a break up very messy. I'm also worried that I might be making the biggest mistake of my life by leaving him, but I also wonder, am I making the biggest mistake in staying?
7) I sometimes wish that he would meet someone else or would cheat on me so that we could end the relationship without him being hurt.


Please, please, please provide any advice you can. I'm completely anguished over this and I really don't know what to do. I'm wondering if time will tell, but I've already been considering this for 6 months and I'm no closer to a decision.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I kind of have a hard time advising people who aren't married and done have kids together to stay together if someone wants out, for whatever reason. That being said...

You say you doubt you would do anything different if you were free to make decisions without considering your partners wants or needs. But at the end you say there have been little crushes here and there and you would like the freedo to explore those. Well, that is one MAJOR decision you would make differently.

Others may disagree, but I think occasional little crushes are normal. Being committed doesn't prevent us from recognizing others who are attractive. But the big difference is, being committed and supposedly in love, you would recognize the temporary nature, and the grass is greener fantasy of those crushes. You would focus on what you DO have with your partner and recognize that that is better than la la land of grass is greener. 

But why are you having these crushes? Because your relationship is settling into a predictable pattern and you need some excitement and some newness to reignite those flames, is my opinion.

Do you want to work on the relationship to reignite, or do you want to cut bait? I think it's good you are questioning this because I think every relationship goes through this. You either work together to reconnect or things just get worse. When you mention you wish he would have an affair or break up, it suggests that you don't want to work on it, but you also don't want to take responsibility for ending it.

Well, you can't have it both ways and you probably know this already

I suggest you work on your relationship and see where that takes you. I suggest you be honest with your partner that the spark isn't there and you need it to be there. 

Go to Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice where there is some excellent info on his needs her needs, emotional needs, emotional needs check lists... I have found them to be helpful in identifying tha fuzzy feeling of discontent so that that which is missing, can be added. Word of caution, the info does tend to be presented in slightly stereotypical(sort of sexist) male female roles, but that doesn't negate the validity of the information.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

you need to answer your own questions go on your own and find out keep you integrity intact you owe that to him and yourself get those answers before you marry anyone

Hope this helps


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Also there really is somthing to that seven year itch


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## Female In Crisis (Mar 16, 2013)

Thank you for all the advice, it is really helpful to get non-biased opinions. I think the crux of my issues stem from the fact that I'm not really in love with him any more. I still love and care for him, but too much has happened for me to move past it. And I'm a bit tired of looking after him, trying to make sure he doesn't relapse into depression.

I also think that I resent him a little because he relies on me too much. Understandably we will all need to lean on someone from time to time, but I feel like he treats me more like a mother figure than a partner sometimes and he isn't as supportive of me as I of him. I think this may be why I don't want to marry him or have children with him; I feel like I already have a dependent.

This is in stark contrast to the person who I have developed feelings for. The "other guy" is very independent and not reliant on anybody. Perhaps I'm only attracted to this other person because I want my partner to be less reliant on me and less needy. I think I really want to be in an equal relationship rather than a dependent relationship. I'm not sure that my partner has the ability to manage himself because he has always relied on either his mother or me, and I'm not sure that he could ever change. 

Does this make any sense?


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## Female In Crisis (Mar 16, 2013)

Another thing I perhaps should point out is that he is very happy at the moment. And instead of making me want to stay with him, it gives me a stronger urge to leave him. Not because I don't want to see him happy but because I'm finally satisfied that he wouldn't be completely destroyed if we broke up. I know that sounds really arrogant, but I think I don't want to be responsible for sending him back into depression.


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## headingthere (Mar 31, 2012)

FIC, for me, the key was in your saying "I'm not really in love with him anymore." I may have too romantic a notion of long-term commitment (e.g., marriage), but isn't being in love with your partner a fundamental requirement? At least for someone as young as you are and never having experienced other committed relationships? The dependency also concerns me. It WON'T change, and I suspect it's very very draining. It would be helpful to hear from those in long-term marriages or other relationships (unfortunately, I'm not one of those). You will get some great advice here on TAM, for sure.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

1.) You have spent your ENTIRE adult life with this man (since 19yo).
2.) You were going to break with him 2 years ago and WOULD HAVE if he hadn't suffered severe depression. You allowed GUILT to sway you into staying in a relationship you knew was over.
3.) You are entirely CORRECT to realize your need to LIVE ON YOUR OWN. I would say you should set a specific timeframe during which you will ABSOLUTELY live on your own...no moving in with a BF or vice versa...no matter how "in love" you are. You need to move to a more independent/less care-taking place in your life. I would say 2-3 years of living on your own. Yes you can stay over some guy's place, yes he can stay over for a night or 2 at yours...but no "moving in" until you are comfortable that you have achieved independence and emotional maturity.
4.) Start doing some independent reading on self-improvement. I would recommend "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. The fact that you caretake this BF and feel more like his mother than his partner says YOU have a codependent personality. BETTER YOU FIX IT NOW at 26yo than wait another 30 years to fix it. 

Become a healthier, more independent YOU for when you DO meet Mr. Right and you'll know that you chose well, that you two are equal PARTNERS in life, that you will know how to parent well and wisely.

Good luck, and keep hanging out on TAM for good advice and books/resources that may help you grow!


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

Female In Crisis said:


> Another thing I perhaps should point out is that he is very happy at the moment. And instead of making me want to stay with him, it gives me a stronger urge to leave him. Not because I don't want to see him happy but because I'm finally satisfied that he wouldn't be completely destroyed if we broke up. I know that sounds really arrogant, but I think I don't want to be responsible for sending him back into depression.


You are with a man you are not in love with because you are afraid it will hurt/destroy him. In the process, you are losing yourself. You need out. You are not responsible for his happiness, although I'm sure you want him to be happy. 

Please, don't sacrifice yourself for him. You both deserve so much more. Best of luck and big hugs.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

"6) I've mentioned this before, but I really don't want to hurt my partner. As far as he is concerned we are "happy as larry", but I'm not."

Well, that says it all. There's really nothing more to deliberate about. You are young and unhappy. Things will not get better. You have never one day in your life been truly on your own, so you are afraid to fly the coop, but you must follow your heart.

You do not marry or have kids with a guy who you are not in love with, and who already feels like a dependent to you. Right now, the decision is difficult and you are scared, but once you make it and a few weeks and months go by, you will know that it is the right decision.

You should not subject yourself to a life of mediocrity. Now is the only time in your life you can do this. If you had kids with this guy, your unhappiness with him will become even more amplified, your resentment will grow and leaving will be even more difficult.

Not wanting to have kids with this guy should be your litmus test. It's time to stop procrastinating and time to leave.


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## Female In Crisis (Mar 16, 2013)

Thank you all for your great advice! I have been doing a significant amount of thinking on the information and perspectives that you have all offered; and I agree completely with all of you. It is definitely time to leave. Freedom is within reach, all I have to do is grasp it. 

Thanks again for all the support!


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## Female In Crisis (Mar 16, 2013)

Also, to SlowlyGettingWiser... I absolutely agree that I need to live on my own and figure out who I want to be without being moulded by someone else. When I came to the realisation that I would rather live alone for the rest of my life than with my partner, I knew 100% that I need to leave. Now that I'm about to get my independence, I definitely do not want to walk straight into another relationship. Thank you for your support, it makes me feel less crazy, and less guilty.


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

*Fem in Crisis You have nothing to be guilty about. Do go there. Take your life back.*


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