# Anyone relized thier own parents were part of the marriage breakup?



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I've relized my own parents were a big contributer to my marriage break up. 

Yes my husband does have a temper, but so does my dad. My mom has fed me these lines for years that there are more fish out in the sea and that I can find someone else. We have 3 special needs children with Autism. My dad has always said to me he doesn't buy autism. My mom has always said that the kids have learned bad behaviors from thier dad and if I only left my husband my children would get better.

My husband and I had poor communication skills anyway along with much stress from his work(long hours and other stuff), Childrens medical problems, Childrens learning and behavior problems, Financial problems, stress of owning a home and plain having no time alone with eachother.

I guess I started to beleive the things being fed to me by my parents and I wanted my life to get easier and I wanted teh kids to be normal. So I grew distant from my husband. NOt going to bed until 2-4am, not returning his texts, not wantng to be around him...until he could not take it anymore...he tried to talk to me, but I was gone..emotioanlly anyway...My husband is not very good when he wants to know answers and he knows something is very wrong, so he reacted in a bad bad way, throwing things in front of the children and yelling whcih caused me to get a restraining order against him that turned permanent. 

Almost instantly my parents became very controlling of me and I started to relize that they are very wrong and I relived my child hood. I started to unerstand why I have to have certain things a certain way because of my child hood and abuse I had from both my mother and my father.

HERES THE HUGE BREAKING POINT INVOLING MY PARETNS

I recently found out that my parents entered my house without me home through my garage door key pad, they took the sign containign the family last name off my house and hid it in the garage. They left lights on in my house making me belive that possibly my husband had broken restraining order. 

I truly did believe it was my husband and it did scare me that soemone had been in my house, but I didn't know who or when. At the time it went missing I was communicating with my husband through text. I had just told my mom through text that my husband and I were trying to reconsile the marriage days before the sign went missing. Thsi was also before teh restrainiing order was dismissed.

My mom admitted throguh text to knowing where the sign was and I had not told her I found it or it was missing. She told me it was in teh garage, so she admitted to being an asscesory to this crime.

HERES MY HUGE QUESTION?

How can my own parents do this to me? They tried to make me think he did it. They tried to make me not trust him again. They made me afraid that at any moment soemoen would enter my home. I disabled my door opener while I home in fear. 

NOw that I know it was them I need to disable it to keep them out.

The same day my mom admitted it.. My dad came into my house thgouh my garage door when I told my parents they could not come over. I had no choice whether my dad was there or not...Just like when I lived at home, when I had no choice but to have my dad invade my privacy.

Now what do I do as far as a relationship with my parents?


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Change your garage code and locks. IMMEDIATELY. They believe this behavior is OK....because no one has told them otherwise. You must stick up for yourself. 

Parents, no matter how old you are, are suppose to protect their children, not bully, scare, make them believe they are crazy, intimidate, their children.

Time to hike up your big girl panties and put your foot down with them. THEY ARE WRONG. They need to be told. And if they don't listen, well then next time then enter without permission call the authorities. It's a felony - breaking and entering. 

SMH at them....as if you don't have enough on your plate with 3 kids and marital issues.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My mom was a catalyst of many of our issues. Well, I ALLOWED her pyscho-ness to affect how I treated my family.

I wrote a letter to her about how i feel and how she treats me WITH examples of the behaviour. She didn't reply or admit fault.


I have basically cut her out of my life (except for holidays and to see the kids) and my relationship is better for it. I am much calmer now without her in my ear just talkin' shet and being negative.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

My family did this to me, as well -- manipulated and bullied me a lot. They believe they are protecting me from my own poor judgment about a very bad man, but I see this as part of a system of control that is part of my very dysfunctional dynamic. Once they moved from bullying to gas-lighting, I withdrew from everyone about this issue. I have stopped talking to my family about my relationship problems. Because of my situation, I am staying in my parents' home for about 6 weeks and navigating the lack of boundaries. I don't know what I want to do with my own marriage. My husband behaved abusively, unfaithfully, disrespectfully, and recklessly, and by witnessing it, they did have the right to intervene when things escalated, but that doesn't give my family the right to bully me into signing divorce papers or other manipulative tactics to prevent any possibility of reconciliation. My family also manipulated me while in a vulnerable and fragile state of mind and made me afraid in ways that I shouldn't have been. It's like being traumatized twice. You don't know who to trust any more when those closest to you are manipulating you, right? 

If you are not in counseling, please, please go to counseling. It sounds like you have a history of emotional abuse or manipulation in your life and might be going through it in your own marriage, at least to some extent. I do, too, and didn't see it for what it was and so I couldn't protect myself from it. Being able to talk to a counselor about it will help you find stronger boundaries so that the next time people try to gas-light you (that's what your parents did, by the way), it's easier for you to recognize it and navigate the situation better. Sometimes, even people who love us and think they have our best interests at heart don't realize that they are crossing the line.

Just wanted to share that with you so that you don't feel alone.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Thanks everyone for sharing your stories. It helps to know I'm not the only one. My husband did file a police report. He said if the police department decides to do anything with his report my parents will be served. I had my FIL over to try to change the garage code, but it would not work even though FIL followed directions to a T. 

I'm feeling guilty for my parents possibly being served with criminal charges, but I know they did it to themselves. They even did after I stood up to my dad in the very beginning of the seperation, I told my dad that I was an adult and I can raise my kids and this divorce myself. I also said its my life and I will live it how I want too. Well that didn't work because as I recall the very next day my dad was bullying me. Even on my drive to Denver my dad was angrily texting me the whole time. He kept texting "HELLO!!" because I was not answering him. I complained to my mom about and she said that means he is worried about me. I told her he doesn't need to be worried about me becasue I'm a capable adult with a GPS. 

Now I know why I can't talk to my mom on the phone for more than 5 minutes without her saying she needs to call my dad back because he has called her 3 times.

I'm done feeling like I don't matter to my mom because my step dad and her animals come before her daughter and grandkids.

Me relizing all the bad things my parents have been doing through my whole marriage has helped me to understand the way my husband was feeling.

I think my husband knows why I could not stand up to my paretns through all the years. Through out this seperation I have had flash backs to all the abuse I suffered throgh out my child hood. My parents gettign even more controlling have made me have flash backs. I ahve been able to tell my husband about all this. He has stepped up as my protector which is something I did not feel during the marriage. My husband text my dad "leave my family alone"

YES both my husband and I are in counseling for ourselves and we are starting back up with mariage counseling. We had gone for several months for the last couple years to the same counselor. She will be shocked at all the changes as there are many mnay changes.

My husband plans to cahnge teh divorce to seperation this friday. So I guess thats a very good thing.

Today my husband and I bought new cell phones through verizon on a family plan. We have AT&T now which are seperate bills for both of us, so we are combining the bill again. Before seperation happened it was on a family plan, but when seperation happened he told the cell carrier that I was his ex wife and they disconnected my number. So I'm happy that the phones will be on one account again.


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