# Married 5 yrs + suddenly see very different futures



## Marnie (Sep 5, 2014)

Hi everyone,

I am hoping to get some advice on my marriage. I've been married to a non-US citizen (but we live here in the US) for 5 yrs. We've been through a lot of hardship -- unemployment, immigration woes, cultural differences -- that I thought nothing could tear us apart. I love him deeply. But we married young-ish (he was 24, I was 26) and at the time we both wanted kids. At 29, he's changed his mind, just as my biological clock has gone in overdrive. 

Also, I want to settle down and buy a house here in the US. He wants to live abroad a couple years, and is more interested in traveling and exploring the world than saving for a down payment. That's fair--I traveled a lot before we met and I got that out of my system, so I understand--but these 2 differences btwn us are causing a rift.

I'm starting to feel attracted to other men who own homes and want kids. It's as if they possess something magical that my husband no longer possesses for me. If my husband were to want the house and kids, my passion for him would return. But all I'm getting is, "just give me until the end of the year, after we go on all these vacations, then we'll talk about it and find a compromise". I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but how could we possibly compromise on kids? I mean that as an honest question.

I'm trying to be understanding, but at (almost) 32 my ovaries don't have all the time in the world to wait. And I'm worried about these feelings I'm developing for other men. The other night we were at a bar with one of my crushes and it was like my husband was the third wheel, in my heart at least. I've never in my life cheated and would divorce before anything actually happened, but feel awful/confused/oddly liberated/sad/addicted to these thoughts of starting over with someone who wants what I want. He repeatedly and genuinely tells me his priority is us staying together, but I can't force him to want the life I want. What should I do?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

He has changed the agreement that you went into your marriage with. Having children or not having them is a huge decision and if you feel your biological clock ticking it is not likely to quiet down.

Sadly just based on the matter of children, he is not a suitable husband for you. Add the fact that he doesn't want to settle down into a home either and you do...It is looking as if you are no longer compatible. 

It might be time to end it. Sorry.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree. 

Whether or not to have children has to be a basic agreement in marriage. I one changes their mind, the foundation of the marriage is broken. Then add to it that the two of you want different life styles. 

I just don't see this working. One of you is going to have to compromise. And that might lead to years and years of resentment.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Live with him without children an build resentment over time

or

Force him to have children by threatening to leave and have him live with resentment until he bails.

or

Spit.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I would do the 180 and get ready to leave him. Thirty-two is pretty old in the fertility curve. You do not have time to mess around.

If he wakes up, you can say that you can go on vacation without BC and the purpose of the trip is to sight see, eat and have sex.


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## Marnie (Sep 5, 2014)

Thanks for the advice everyone. Does anyone NOT think divorce is necessary?


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## Marnie (Sep 5, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> I would do the 180 and get ready to leave him. Thirty-two is pretty old in the fertility curve. You do not have time to mess around.
> 
> If he wakes up, you can say that you can go on vacation without BC and the purpose of the trip is to sight see, eat and have sex.


I think this would work actually. Because he has said repeatedly that he doesn't want to lose me, I think he would turn around. Most of the problem is that all our friends are career-focused late bloomers who, at the age of 32, are JUST starting to get married. We are hardly never around parents/children, or even other couples who want to talk about the idea of having children. All our friends ever talk about is either their upcoming wedding or their upcoming lavish vacation. I do have faith that once we are surrounded by other young parents, he will feel like having babies is more appropriate for us.

Also, he is so playful and communicative with little kids. Everyone says he would be an amazing father. I just can't believe that he can't find it in his heart to want them.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

The issue of having children or not, is an absolute deal breaker. There is no compromise on this one. It's all or nothing.

I'm reluctant to advise that you consider ending your marriage, but it may be the only solution here.

The other option is freezing your eggs or doing a round of IVF and perhaps freezing some embryos? Have you considered that? There is also a blood test you can have, that gives you a window into your fertility, and whether or not you need to freeze eggs if things are looking not so great. Maybe make an appointment with your doctor and start there...once you're armed with all the info, you'll be able to make an informed decision.

Bear in mind also, that if you leave your husband, you'll realistically be in your mid-late 30's before the chance to have children presents itself, by the time you finalise the divorce, heal from that, date and meet someone....relationship...blah blah.

But yes, you're wise to see advice, at 32 you don't have time to muck around with fertility. You may not need to get divorced either though, there may other options that you don't know about yet.


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## Marnie (Sep 5, 2014)

All great points, frusdil. I think I could use the frozen embryo thing as a litmus test of how serious he is when he says he does have room in his heart for kids but "not yet". If he refuses to pay up for freezing eggs/embryo then I will know he's not serious.

And my doctor also suggested I get my fertility tested as a preliminary thing, so thanks for reminding me to do that.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

i wouldn't play any games, 180's or other sorts of "maneuvering" to try and figure out where he is at.

I would simply make a nice dinner, sit down, calmly, and explain that your clock is ticking and this is a deal breaker for you. tell him you are prepared to end the relationship as children were a deal breaker for you.

let him answer....and if he is not 100% happy to join you in this next chapter of life.....well i would leave that very night. you are running out of time and if you wish to have a family need to get on with your life as you are running out of time. don't settle for him going on with you begrudgingly.......you will save yourself a lot of pain down the road.


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## Marnie (Sep 5, 2014)

x598 said:


> i wouldn't play any games, 180's or other sorts of "maneuvering" to try and figure out where he is at.
> 
> I would simply make a nice dinner, sit down, calmly, and explain that your clock is ticking and this is a deal breaker for you. tell him you are prepared to end the relationship as children were a deal breaker for you.
> 
> let him answer....and if he is not 100% happy to join you in this next chapter of life.....well i would leave that very night. you are running out of time and if you wish to have a family need to get on with your life as you are running out of time. don't settle for him going on with you begrudgingly.......you will save yourself a lot of pain down the road.


He's been very occupied with a full time job and grad school, which ends in 1 month... when do you recommend I have this talk? Shouldn't I give him a little breather after school?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I think you need to know if he really thinks he does not want kids, if he really does not want them just now, or if he is open to other options. Having kids and traveling are not mutually exclusive goals. While I would never encourage anyone to take this on lightly, it's certainly worth considering a plan of living elsewhere--like Europe, where travel can be easy (easier, anyway), and at least one of you working, so you have a "base" from which to move around. Of course, if the plan in his mind is to travel non-stop for a year, then this might not be appealing. But there are ways to make the two things work together. 

Living modestly--smaller home, smaller car(s), etc--makes travel continue to be possible even with kids, even if you stay in the US. Again, it's not a gypsy lifestyle, but a good foreign trip of a couple of weeks is possible with saving and planning and prioritizing travel even with kids. 

I like the idea of going on vacation without b/c, and just leaving things to chance--travel as long as you can and if you get pregnant and get to a stage where you are no longer enjoying the travel, you go home and settle down to whatever lifestyle the two of you agree upon. 

If he cannot commit now, however, to freezing up some embryos, you have a definite answer and will have to move on. Sad, but you will never likely be able to stay with him without deep regret for the children you didn't have. And dragging him less-than-fully-onboard into parenting is an equally bad idea. 

FWIW, even if you decide to leave him, freezing some embryos made with donor sperm now might be a good idea, so you don't feel pressured to rush into a new relationship. Trust me, you will feel confident enough to take on single parenting in your 40s and might want to use those embryos then if you don't find a new partner. Or adopt--an amazing adventure to parenthood too. 

Good luck, however it turns out.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Marnie said:


> He's been very occupied with a full time job and grad school, which ends in 1 month... when do you recommend I have this talk? Shouldn't I give him a little breather after school?


it takes 9 months to give birth. so if he isn't will to take you into the bedroom tonight....i doubt the answer will be any different in 30 days.


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## Marnie (Sep 5, 2014)

sisters359 said:


> I think you need to know if he really thinks he does not want kids, if he really does not want them just now, or if he is open to other options. Having kids and traveling are not mutually exclusive goals. While I would never encourage anyone to take this on lightly, it's certainly worth considering a plan of living elsewhere--like Europe, where travel can be easy (easier, anyway), and at least one of you working, so you have a "base" from which to move around. Of course, if the plan in his mind is to travel non-stop for a year, then this might not be appealing. But there are ways to make the two things work together.
> 
> Living modestly--smaller home, smaller car(s), etc--makes travel continue to be possible even with kids, even if you stay in the US. Again, it's not a gypsy lifestyle, but a good foreign trip of a couple of weeks is possible with saving and planning and prioritizing travel even with kids.
> 
> ...


This was a really lovely and thoughtful response--thank you! What he has said is that he pictures us with kids "by age 40" (ie, when I'm 42) and it's simply idiotic to wait that long. He doesn't say, however, at what point before then he would want them.


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## Marnie (Sep 5, 2014)

Well my whole "wait 2 months" plan lasted about 5 minutes. We just talked about it. He asked me lots of questions -- if you could be pregnant tomorrow, would you? (no) when then? (1 year from now)

He said his feelings haven't changed--he doesn't want children, and he doesn't want to promise me that he'll want them in a year or 2 and then be held to that promise. 

I got the feeling that he feels like a sperm vessel -- "If the thing that would break us up is a baby, then the only reason you want to stay with me is because I promise to have a baby with you"

I said I love him more than anything, but that us disagreeing on this topic might just mean we're not compatible. That it's painful for me to think about a life without children, and I don't want to make him unhappy by resenting him. That we both deserve to be really happy. And I got pretty business-like and explained to him my timeline of why we need to talk now--how divorce and remarrying would put me at 35--already a "high risk" pregnancy. 

I feel pretty down. He kind of just got up after we had a long silence, and started scrubbing the bathroom. I think he is processing things.

We went to 4 counseling sessions about this topic (which ended up focusing on our communication skills and a decision to wait 6 months to talk about it again). That was 6 months ago.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I would leave now while you can and still have some chance of conceiving with someone who wants to have kids! Even if he "gave in" and impregnated you, he would forever be resentful and might not make a very good father. My wife and I had 4 kids - her last two at 34 and 35 years old. She could have gone on to have more if we wanted.

So get going, don't waste too much time with someone that you clearly don't have a happy future with!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have your answer. He's not going to want children.

So now you need to decide what to do. 

I think that after this conversation your marriage is over. The way he is taking it is that you do not love him.. he's the sperm vessel as you said. He's not coming back from that.

And he does not seem to empathize or understand the drive to have children. this is not like you asking for a Ferrari... an extravagant want. This is something that most women want because your biology makes us want it. Most men want children too.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Link

Do a cheerful 180.

If your husband initiates sex, don't let him penetrate you right away. Make him kiss you. Tease him.

Don't talk about the child. 

Act as if you are happy because you are moving and know you will make it. But you should not wear a glum face. Don't nag him.

Sometimes men are afraid of having children. There is a fear of being tied down. At bottom there is a desire for more. But having a child is the more. If he doesn't want to chance it, don't push it. Set yourself a deadlines for moving on. Get the plan for separation and divorce in done.

When you interact who initiates most conversation and contact? I think it's important to change the pattern.


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## Brigit (Apr 28, 2015)

Marnie said:


> Thanks for the advice everyone. Does anyone NOT think divorce is necessary?


It isn't necessary. You could stay with him in hopes that one day he'll change his mind. Maybe he will maybe he won't. As long as you're OK with not having kids you can stay together.


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## Marnie (Sep 5, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Link
> 
> Do a cheerful 180.
> 
> ...


In terms of initiating conversation, I'd say its split 50/50. Sexual contact is mostly him--particularly since my passion has been waning from thinking about wanting kids a lot, and feeling sad that we're not on the same page. I love him a lot. I'm a better listener than he is, but he is very communicative.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Brigit said:


> It isn't necessary. You could stay with him in hopes that one day he'll change his mind. Maybe he will maybe he won't. As long as you're OK with not having kids you can stay together.


:iagree:

If by chance he decides to give in and give you children, I don't see this ending well. He will grow resentful as the kids will inevitably take away from his freedoms (or he will do everything to keep his lifestyle and be a horrible father). Having kids will likely tear your marriage apart. I don't really see having kids as something that should be a compromise.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You should not make a man who does not want a baby into a father. It's not fair to the child. Child needs to be wanted by both his parents.

In reading your posts, it seems like children are more important to you than marriage itself. I get wanting to have a child, but it seems like you could pencil in any man who wants a child is really all you are needing.

Having children is not actually about you it's about the children. They are lives you would be creating who are not asking to be created. So whatever you decide choose a husband who you truly love and want to be with because children deserve to be raised by mom and dad who love each other and truly want children in their lives. Children put tremendous strains on marriages.

None of your choices are too easy. The main thing to stay away from is a) having a child with a man who does not want children and b) selecting a new man based only on the children factor. Remind yourself that even though you are pressuring yourself currently there are many paths to parenthood including foster care and adoption and natural birth into you early forties.

But it's really your choice. Certainly you and your husband are incompatible with some big deal items in life. But is divorce your only option ? No... your other choice is acceptance. Neither ideal and really a personal choice. Good luck.


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## Marnie (Sep 5, 2014)

Hicks said:


> In reading your posts, it seems like children are more important to you than marriage itself. I get wanting to have a child, but it seems like you could pencil in any man who wants a child is really all you are needing.


I can see how you might come to that conclusion, but that's not how I feel. I'd never marry another man just because of a desire to have kids, but I do feel like I am falling out of romantic love because I no longer see a common future in which both of us are fulfilled. It's like we're walking to a restaurant that's closed down already.

I'm quite comfortable being alone, and the idea of being single again doesn't terrify me. The problem is that I love my husband so much that I fantasize about having a family with him. I want to settle down, buy a house in a cheap city, and focus on family life with HIM. He wants to explore the world and not be hampered by children. I respect both of those perspectives.


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## Marnie (Sep 5, 2014)

This morning (after neither of us slept much) he woke up and hugged me and said "I could change my mind".

I said, "I don't want you to change your mind over night. But that's promising to hear."

Now I am scared that the fear of being single will drive him to agree to have kids. I feel like a transition like divorce is easier on women, since we are taught how to process emotions. How can I know if he's just reacting to fear, or if he genuinely interested in children?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Marnie said:


> This morning (after neither of us slept much) he woke up and hugged me and said "I could change my mind".
> 
> I said, "I don't want you to change your mind over night. But that's promising to hear."
> 
> Now I am scared that the fear of being single will drive him to agree to have kids. I feel like a transition like divorce is easier on women, since we are taught how to process emotions. How can I know if he's just reacting to fear, or if he genuinely interested in children?


I can't see him being genuinely interested in children. He has already stated he is not. With the threat of things falling apart the best he could say to you is "I *could* change my mind".... Like I said prior, having children is not something that should be a compromise.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

The answer to your question is in some sense unimportant. The selfish gene has to do the talking. When you have been pressing him, he liminal mind has gone into overdrive, thinking about you and your relationship, but this is also about his deeper desire for a child.

I have two daughters. When my ex and I were at university she got pregnant. Selfish gene's fault. She got an abortion. I was there for her blah, blah, but the reality is she felt it was a child that was stolen from her. When she became pregnant with our eldest, I knew having that child was essential for our relationship. 

Her younger sister wasn't really planned either. Today they are 19 and 17 years old. They are more interesting to me other people in world and this love we feel for children is not learnt.

I don't believe rational discussion resolves the irrational. From 50,000 feet the planet is crawling with humans who are doing all sorts of bizarre things. There is also wonderful joy. My eldest daughter has just started studying law. Her sister wants to study art. Who knows what they will do? I am filled with hope that they will have good lives.

Go off birth control and put a calender on the fridge charting your cycle. Tell him you are putting BC in his hands. Abstinence and pulling out are his options. Then just bang his brains out. Updating the calendar is not your responsibility. 

Go on the trip. 

Life is an adventure. Sometimes we have to convince people to come along.


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