# Sons, Wife's and X's



## Stressed out and confused (Apr 23, 2014)

So here we go again….Saturday morning my 15 year old son calls me from his moms. He asks me if I can pick him up from his girlfriend’s house around 11PM.

My X notoriously will not help too much in the drop off and pick-ups for both of my kids.

So my current wife flips out saying I do everything for my X. She views is this is my X controlling me by having my son ask me for a ride when they are with their mom during her time.

All I did was ask my wife for her advice and she went nutz on me. Saying to me “Why are you even asking me”, “You know you will do it anyway”. “This whole world revolves around your X. and so on….

Needless to say, I text my son I was sorry but could not pick him up.

I am so sick of this behavior on my wife’s part. Today is Tuesday and she is still not talking to me.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I think you are shooting yourself in the foot here.

If you just told your 15 year old son NO to begin with, you would've never had to deal with your X or wife.

Not sure what you were trying to accomplish.

Also, 15 year old and 11pm? Ummm.......you have MUCH deeper issues than just "picking up your son".


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Well, DO you do everything that your ex should be doing? If so, I don't blame your wife for getting upset.

Having said that, her delivery and the silent treatment are not effective ways to deal with the problem. She needs to be a little more mature about it.

If the answer to my above question is "Yes" then you need to establish some firm boundaries with your ex.

Sounds like you already are trying to do that by stating that you can't give him a ride.

Have a heart-to-heart with your wife. Tell her you are going to be firm and not cave in to the ex's demands. Don't let this issue build a wall between you and your wife. Brick by brick, the wall blocks communication. When communication suffers, everyone suffers.


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

Almost 16 he will have his own car soon! 

One of the upsides you can tell your wife during the heart to heart.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

TurtleRun said:


> Almost 16 he will have his own car soon!


Hopefully he will buy it himself too......like he should


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

That would irk me too if my H just rushed off at the drop of a hat if his x asked for something like that (which she never does).

I actually think you did the right thing by telling him "no." 

Your wife is clearly hurt and feels second best. It doesn't sound as though you think of her that way, but this is how she perceives it. Why not reassure her through actions? If a situation like this arises again, just ask her first. I know you tried it this time, but try again! She obviously is still upset and needs more proof. 

Ahhh, women....


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## Stressed out and confused (Apr 23, 2014)

I agree with all of you. 

I feel our issues are deeper. Money has been a huge issue and it's taken on the trickle down theory. as I have posted in the past, my wife quit her job 1.5 years ago.

It has taken a huge toll on us. 

Now, her 17 year old son who lives in CA (that recently was removed by CPS from his fathers) is a big financial burden. We just spent 600.00 for air fare to CA for his graduation, sent him 400.00 to help with a car, sent 110.00 for his tux, then are spending another 400.00 for him to fly back here for his grad party. 

I cant take it anymore. As I have read before, yes, it's my fault I let it go this far. Her sons father is sitting on over 60K cash and will not let a dime go. I had 7K in Feb and I'm down to 5K with more leaving soon.

What the hell do I do?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Read the books "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by M. Smith and "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. R. Glover.

They will help you with boundaries with your XW and in having healthy communications with your current W.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Start thinking about what you want, what your goals are, what your requirements are of others, what your limits are, and how you want others to interact with you.

You the right to those being abided by. With healthy modes of interaction you can successfully get the best possible outcome.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Stressed out and confused said:


> I agree with all of you.
> 
> I feel our issues are deeper. Money has been a huge issue and it's taken on the trickle down theory. as I have posted in the past, my wife quit her job 1.5 years ago.
> 
> ...


Don't let resentment eat away at you. You're going to have to take action. I don't know exactly what that should be, but you can start by trying limit the financial burden. Try to make things fair for you as well. It's really honorable that you're taking care of your wife and her son, but you shouldn't be taken advantage of either. She should realize this.

Don't put yourself last. It's not good for you or for your relationship.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think the real question isn't what SHOULD you do, but rather, what are you willing to do. You already got a bunch of advice before, I think. Have you done anything with that?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Stressed out and confused said:


> So here we go again….Saturday morning my 15 year old son calls me from his moms. He asks me if I can pick him up from his girlfriend’s house around 11PM.
> 
> My X notoriously will not help too much in the drop off and pick-ups for both of my kids.
> 
> ...


I have a different view...I also have a 15.5 yr old son (and a 13.5 yr old son)

If your son asked you to pick him up at 11M, I'd say your son was being responsible and turning to someone he trusted for help. I would happily pick up my sons at 11M, so I know they are safe and hopefully not intoxicated. It has nothing to do with helping out the ex...you're not driving her, you're driving your kid. I think you should have picked him up.

I don't see your wife's problem. He's your son.

You ex-wife doesn't want to help out or give rides? This is something that you and your son should sit down and talk about. Tell him the situation from your end so he understands the rock-and-hard-place you're stuck between...but also assure him that you're gonna be there for him, even when mom won't be. 

My ex-wife won't help my kids much either, and they tell me ALL about it. I happily pick them up, day or night...I want them to know they can always rely on Dad. My kids are awesome, they get outstanding grades, and we have a fantastic relationship. I would never let my ex-wife or current woman get in the way of that.

How often do you see your kid(s)? What activities do you share with them? What kind of father are you, in their eyes? 

I've actually told my kids they can call me 24/7 if they need me...I'd be there for them, any time, and they know it.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I do wonder why do you ask her? She doesn't seem to understand and why even get her input since she has this attitude.

I would just make these decisions between you, your x and kiddo. Keep her out of it completely. just inform her what's up and stop asking opinion


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Uh...15 year old son. 

And 11 pm. 
At his girlfriend's house. 

Wonder what they are doing. Playing video games...wait, no, usually guys do that. Not girls. 
Uh...paint her nails? No...probably not. 

You know, maybe it is just me...but I feel like that might become an issue. 
And consider what you were doing at 15. 


As for your current wife, and your XW, and your son, your son is the one in the middle of this. 
Now, you and your XW seems to be at war with each other. But who is really losing here? 
She isn't having to spend money to bring him over to your house. So she doesn't care. And I have a feeling she doesn't care about him seeing his father. 
And your current W probably doesn't have as much love for your son as you do. 
And you sound so whipped, that you allowed your W to talk you out of getting your son at his gf's house. (which by the way...I feel like you should probably investigate that before he and his girlfriend are on 16 and pregnant)

So in conclusion, 
Your son is stuck with his mom. 
And you don't see him. And he doesn't see you. 
Who is really losing out here?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

tulsy said:


> I have a different view...I also have a 15.5 yr old son (and a 13.5 yr old son)
> 
> If your son asked you to pick him up at 11M, I'd say your son was being responsible and turning to someone he trusted for help. I would happily pick up my sons at 11M, so I know they are safe and hopefully not intoxicated. It has nothing to do with helping out the ex...you're not driving her, you're driving your kid. I think you should have picked him up.
> 
> ...


I agree with this!!! I have two teens. If my ex were to be a poop and refuse to provide rides, I would be there for my children to depend on. I has everything to do with just being a parent who can be depended upon...


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## Stressed out and confused (Apr 23, 2014)

I will no longer ask my wife for her opinion. I have a good relationship with my sons. They are both 15.

I'm going to make a better effort of saying "no" when it comes to her kids.

My 87 year old father told me not to marry her. He said I would be taking on all her financial burden of her kids. hummmmm..

I will also invest in the books suggested. 

It's hard enough with me sending my X 1000.00 a month child support and then with my current wife's kids...ugh...beer me.


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

Why doesn't she have a job now?


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

TurtleRun said:


> Why doesn't she have a job now?


Good point. Your first post did not mention any of this.... I think she should be responsible for supporting her own children. If you earn more, fine, but she needs to be contributing.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Stressed out and confused said:


> I will no longer ask my wife for her opinion. I have a good relationship with my sons. They are both 15.
> 
> I'm going to make a better effort of saying "no" when it comes to her kids.
> 
> ...


I must have missed the part where you tell your wife it's time for her to get a job, and start taking the necessary steps to collect child support...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stressed out and confused (Apr 23, 2014)

Wife did not go to college.

She was a stay at home mom with 3 kids. Her X left for CA and never looked back. Left her homeless (if not for her sister).

She has a 22 year old daughter who is in financial ruins.

A 20 year old daughter who attends a local University on college loans (guess who co-signed). Guess who pays her cell bill.

A 17 year old who lives in CA with his football coach due to issues at home with his father.

I have Associates degree and Bachelors degree.


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## Stressed out and confused (Apr 23, 2014)

Oh and she has been looking for jobs, but does not want to work weekends.

She was used to her 9-5 job that she quit.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Stressed out and confused said:


> Oh and she has been looking for jobs, but does not want to work weekends.
> 
> She was used to her 9-5 job that she quit.


She's been out of work for 18 months. The luxury of being fussy should have disappeared about a year ago. Especially when she's expecting you to support her grown children. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And her x apparently has money now. Why not to after him for back-support?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

She's going to have to go back to her 9-5 job and work weekends, or you're going to have to pull the plug. Why do people behave like this? Because they can. Stop paying the cell phone for the daughter and let her get a job too.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

Can't help you with the money thing, but I wouldnt be ok with it.

Regarding the son/wife situation... mixed feelings with that also.

On one side, good on you for being there for him and all, your wife shouldnt have a problem with that, and so on.

BUT

1. Until 11 pm at his gf's?? Dude...

2. If it was any kind of emergency or force majeure, I would be the first to lend a hand... but this wasn't the case at all. So the answer to son's question would have been NO, you are with your mother now, so it's her responsability to take care of you right now.

For all you know this is not your ex's doing, but your son playing you two against each other for his own "benefit"... mum won't drive me? FINE, I'll call dad! 

And even if this is not the case, Im not surprized your wife took offence... it WAS your ex's responsibility here, not yours, so no need to step in for something that's clearly not an emergency for your son.

Something tells me it is not exactly the first time this kind of thing happens OP...

Boundery time! With your ex, your wife AND your son!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

If your ex thinks it's appropriate to allow a 15 year old to stay out until 11pm, I wouldn't be concerned about being asked to pick him up - I'd be filing for custody.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

DoF said:


> Hopefully he will buy it himself too......like he should


Wrong. Dad and son are supposed to build son's car. Together.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I agree with the whole 15 and 11pm thing, but...

I am stepmum to my hubby's beautiful 9 (going on 25, lol) year old daughter. I love her to the moon and back. Both hubby and his ex wife (who I get on well with) are her parents 7 days a week. Not Wed afternoon to Sat night (hubby) and Sat night - Wed morning (ex wife).

I would NEVER begrudge my hubby helping his daughter out, or her mother in a pinch. Hell, I'd go pick up our daughter myself.

I don't get the big issue his wife has. What am I missing?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I am a stepmom and have dealt with my ex and my husband's ex. I would guess that too many times you have jumped for your ex and for your son when maybe they need to work thing out themselves, find transpo themselves, etc. if you are always jumping to immediately take care of the needs of your first family your wife will feel second fiddle to them and that is not a good feeling.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

AVR1962 said:


> I am a stepmom and have dealt with my ex and my husband's ex. I would guess that too many times you have jumped for your ex and for your son when maybe they need to work thing out themselves, find transpo themselves, etc. if you are always jumping to immediately take care of the needs of your first family your wife will feel second fiddle to them and that is not a good feeling.


:iagree: This is so true. I was always very careful to make sure this did not happen. At the beginning, when we were dating, situations like this arose, but my H was very clear about setting boundaries.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

EasyPartner said:


> BUT
> 
> 1. Until 11 pm at his gf's?? Dude...
> 
> ...


11pm for a 15 year old at his girlfriends house - no wonder your ex didn't want to pick him up. Too late and inconsiderate! Tell him the mom and dad personal taxi service doesn't run that late. Really? Who wants to go out at 11pm and pick their child up a a concert or event maybe, but hanging out at gf's house? No way. Time for him to learn that the world doesn't revolve around him and his wants. Too bad. Mom should be setting a reasonable pick up time that suits her not him. How does gf's family feel about this late hour? My sis had her bf come around and stay until a late hour - it really grated on the family's nerves after a while.

I agree that when he is with his mother that she should be responsible for picking him up not you. She needs to set a time that is suitable for her to collect him.

I can see why your wife would be annoyed with you. Are you always at your sons beck and call? Time for him to learn that you've got a life too and you're not coming running. He needs to plan and work out the pick up plan with mom better. It will be good for him to handle his own problems. You could have handled this more diplomatically.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I concur with the rest of the posters here, your current wife is 100% correct in her position, you know that you will do it because of guilt, its that simple, and you are allowing your Ex to use that guilt to her advantage while upsetting your current wife, lets face it your a pawn.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

FizzBomb said:


> 11pm for a 15 year old at his girlfriends house - no wonder your ex didn't want to pick him up. Too late and inconsiderate! Tell him the mom and dad personal taxi service doesn't run that late. Really? Who wants to go out at 11pm and pick their child up a a concert or event maybe, but hanging out at gf's house? No way. Time for him to learn that the world doesn't revolve around him and his wants. Too bad. Mom should be setting a reasonable pick up time that suits her not him. How does gf's family feel about this late hour? My sis had her bf come around and stay until a late hour - it really grated on the family's nerves after a while.
> 
> I agree that when he is with his mother that she should be responsible for picking him up not you. She needs to set a time that is suitable for her to collect him.
> 
> I can see why your wife would be annoyed with you. Are you always at your sons beck and call? Time for him to learn that you've got a life too and you're not coming running. He needs to plan and work out the pick up plan with mom better. It will be good for him to *handle his own problems*. You could have handled this more diplomatically.


I'm sorry, but I think you're looking at this all wrong.

Since the son is already going to his girlfriends house till 11M, it's too late for this approach. If you have concerns about this, more than EVER you should be picking the kid up and spending time with him, talking to him about sex, etc. 

If you honestly think that refusing to help the kid, shunning him for rides and the "time to learn about life" without actually providing the guidance, is the correct course of action, you're not being a good parent.

Handle his own problems? He's a 15 yr old kid...you're the parent...you're supposed to help guide him in the right direction. It's passive and ignorant to just say "no ride, and time to grow up"...and BTW, it's not going to stop the kid from going to the girlfriends house....in fact, he'll be there more often now, trying to escape both his chitty parents who have dysfunctional relationships, who tell him to handle his own problems. 

If you think your 15 yr old might be having sex with his girlfriend, you should meet her parents when you pick him up at the door. Get to know the girlfriend. Talk to your son and find out for sure, and if they are, talk to him about safe-sex and condoms, pregnancy, etc. Spend some time with both of them, and be a part of your sons life. When you pick him up, take him to Dairy Queen for a sundae and have a conversation with him.

I was that 15 yr old kid. I wish my parents had talked to me, spent time with me. I learned from my parents mistakes. 

BTW...OP, you never answered my questions....I'm trying to gauge your relationship with your sons.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

tulsy said:


> I'm sorry, but I think you're looking at this all wrong.
> 
> Since the son is already going to his girlfriends house till 11M, it's too late for this approach. If you have concerns about this, more than EVER you should be picking the kid up and spending time with him, talking to him about sex, etc.
> 
> ...


All subjective and depending on circumstances (that none of us except maybe OP all know), but based on the facts provided I think Fizz's post is spot on.

A 15 yo is not a baby any more and when at his mum's, he should understand that he has to deal with her for this kind of arrangements, not with OP and, by doing so, avoid p!ssing off his wife.

Furthermore, even if he stayed at his father's house at that time, my answer would still have been no.

But you are right, a serious talk with sonny boy about all this is indeed warranted. But not right now over the phone when he's still at his mum's.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

tulsy said:


> *I'm sorry, but I think you're looking at this all wrong.*
> 
> *Since the son is already going to his girlfriends house till 11M, it's too late for this approach.* If you have concerns about this, more than EVER you should be picking the kid up and spending time with him, talking to him about sex, etc.
> 
> ...


Whoa there, calm down. Touched a nerve there. I am entitled to my opinion just like you are.

Re the bolded part. Too late? It's never too late to parent. Sure you can change it - 'son, 11pm is too late for me, I'll be picking you up at >insert time that suits the driver<'

You can guide and direct your children but you don't need to be running every time they snap their fingers. He is 15 - learning to problem solve and negotiate with mom about pickup time is guiding him. Good practice for when he leaves home.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

It may be more simple than all of this discussion about parenting:

The son needed to be picked up, his mother said "Ask your father!", knowing full well that this would cause strife between father and his new wife... if the father has to run out of the house at 11 pm at night. It's a way of controlling her ex, and trying to show that she still has rights with respect to the new wife. The son is probably being put in the middle -- unintentionally being used to get back at the husband...

I know I'm speculating, but I've seen it before....

All this to say that the new wife should still be financially responsible for her own children, but this is another subject!


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## Stressed out and confused (Apr 23, 2014)

The relationship I have with my twin sons is good. One son who looks like me has a better attitude towards me vs his brother who looks more like my X and ofter has issues with me.

I've often thought that the boy who looks like me may not get along with him mom due to simply that fact.

They both only live 1 mile away from me. This is another reason my current wife is so agitated. Food store...there she is...bar...there she is...etc...

I only have 3 more years of child support then we are planning to move out of state.

Again, my boys are my life. I agree with the posts. I feel guilty not being able to help them more, but yet in the same breath I have told them I'm there for them 24/7 when they and if they ever need me.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

FizzBomb said:


> Whoa there, calm down. Touched a nerve there. I am entitled to my opinion just like you are.
> 
> Re the bolded part. Too late? It's never too late to parent. Sure you can change it - 'son, 11pm is too late for me, I'll be picking you up at >insert time that suits the driver<'
> 
> You can guide and direct your children but you don't need to be running every time they snap their fingers. He is 15 - learning to problem solve and negotiate with mom about pickup time is guiding him. Good practice for when he leaves home.


Relax bro...you didn't bruise any nerves, just a difference of opinion, that's all.

I *TOTALLY* agree...it's never too late for parenting, hence 11M is not to late for parenting, IMO.

I was responding to your "Time for him to learn that the world doesn't revolve around him and his wants. Too bad" approach. Now you are suggesting/offering a different time for picking up the kid, which is fine, but that wasn't in your other post...it was simply "Too bad". 

Who's suggesting you run every time your child snaps his fingers? The OP never suggested the kid is constantly snapping his fingers for rides. If the kid is hanging out at GF's house till 11M, shouldn't you:

a) know what they're up to?
b) know who else is there
c) meet her parents
d) find out about possible drugs or alcohol
e) bring up the topic of sex with your son

Simply not driving the kid doesn't appear to stop the kid and it doesn't help the parent learn any other important information. I don't look at this as an inconvenience, I look at it as a part of the parenting process..


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Stressed out and confused said:


> ...
> 
> I only have 3 more years of child support then we are planning to move out of state.
> 
> Again, my boys are my life. I agree with the posts. I feel guilty not being able to help them more, but yet in the same breath I have told them I'm there for them 24/7 when they and if they ever need me.


Okay, but saying it and doing it are 2 different things. 

So once they are 18, they're on their own, and you're moving out of state?

How often do you see your kids now?


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## Stressed out and confused (Apr 23, 2014)

I see my kids for minimum 136 Overnights.

I have them every other weekend until Monday mornings and the Wednesday preseeding Her weekend.

Also, 5 full weeks in Summer and alternating holidays.


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