# H looking at younger-than-me porn and I feel weird about it



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I have an ongoing thread on this board but I wanted to throw this out there to get some wider opinions.

I was using H's phone yesterday and I saw he had been looking at porn. This in itself is no problem. However I noticed that he had picked up on a site that features younger women, 18+.

I want to be *very* clear it was nothing questionable. I guess it just took me by surprise because he has never really looked at that kind of porn that I know of, and we do share what we have been looking at.

I know all the rational arguments, that it does not reflect on me, men like variety, the appeal of a younger woman etc. And I am pretty OK about him using porn. But for some reason this has bothered me.

We have an ongoing issue with him having rejected me consistently last year for around 6 months or so which killed my esteem and we have been battling the after effects ever since. I have been convinced from that and his lack of affection that he does not find me attractive any more. He says he absolutely does, and we just had a great weekend away, then I found this and I feel a bit weird about it.

I think it has tapped in to my esteem issues and there is some feeling of just not being able to compare. Again, logically I "get" it is not an issue of being compared, but I cannot shake this feeling of not liking it. Other porn does not bother me because I am attractive and so feel OK in comparison but I guess I worry that alongside a fit 18 year old... well, there is just NO WAY I can compare with that!

I need to handle this because I do not want my esteem to dive lower because of this. Help!


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Without looking at your threads specifically, I'd say porn usage will depend on the following: I suppose it's OK so long as your spouse fulfills all of your needs for intimacy. If he's still rejecting you on occasion, but he's still looking at porn around the time(s) of the rejection, then it's a problem. Porn should be nothing more than a complement to what you already have. If/when it becomes more than that - then it needs to go.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm really not a porn consumer, but doesn't most of it depict young ladies? Porn under the age of 18 is illegal, so I'm guessing 95% of porn would be depicting women roughly 18-30? Is there a big market for middle-age porn? 
I gather most wives are married to rather average looking men, maybe a bit pudgy, maybe balding a bit. I also suspect very few women go to Chippendale's to see a clone of their husband and I seriously doubt most women read erotic novels depicting a pudgy 45 year old accountant having married sex with his slightly pudgy mother of three wife. 
Isn't it all just fantasy? I enjoy visiting Disneyworld but I have no desire to be one of the Seven Dwarfs or Mickey Mouse. Dogs chase trucks but that doesn't mean they can drive or that they even want to.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I don't think it's the porn per say, but more that the wounds of having felt rejected haven't completely healed yet. Thats what he needs to understand, IMO. You may need him to go a bit overboard, in terms of making you feel loved/sexy/wanted, for a little while longer before you can really put this issue to bed.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> I'm really not a porn consumer, but doesn't most of it depict young ladies? Porn under the age of 18 is illegal, so I'm guessing 95% of porn would be depicting women roughly 18-30? Is there a big market for middle-age porn?
> I gather most wives are married to rather average looking men, maybe a bit pudgy, maybe balding a bit. I also suspect very few women go to Chippendale's to see a clone of their husband and I seriously doubt most women read erotic novels depicting a pudgy 45 year old accountant having married sex with his slightly pudgy mother of three wife.
> Isn't it all just fantasy? I enjoy visiting Disneyworld but I have no desire to be one of the Seven Dwarfs or Mickey Mouse. Dogs chase trucks but that doesn't mean they can drive or that they even want to.


This is exactly what I feel with regards to porn and comparisons. Most men don't exactly measure up to porn either so I have never felt threatened by porn. Mr. Pink comes with impressive equipment but some of those porn guys, like many of the porn women, are a bit unusual, don't you think?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I wouldn't mind looking at a naked 20 year old but I don't want to have sex or even a lengthy conversation with one. It took me 30 years to get my three kids raised and out of the house. I'm not trying to recruit more.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

WW,

Just remember that it isn't about you. It's a diversion for him. I read somewhere that almost all people fanatise about others when they are making love. My wife even admiited to this. However, I do not. 

Don't get me wrong, seeing a much younger woman is definitely arousing for me and I know my wife enjoys looking a really ripped young guy but I think each of us knows that we'd probably never be able to keep up!

And to be honest, I don't think I could stand that level of maturity at my advanced age! As unbelievable said, I'm working on getting my kids out so I don't want to bring another one in!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Nothing wrong with your hubby or men looking at younger women 18+ because women mature faster and sooner than men do. 

Women are in their prime and look their best in their teens and 20's and for a lot of men, they look better as they get older.

Men for the most part have much higher sex drives and when we see a hot woman, we look and age doesn't mean a thing.

Women do the same thing. An older woman, looking at a much younger man, in his physical prime, no difference there.

If your hubby is rejecting you sexually, have you gained a lot of weight?


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Imagine if he were looking at granny porn. Now THAT would be creepy!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Be glad he's not looking at naked men. At least you know he still likes girls. You're one!


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

This porn was very specifically age 18. There was no leeway with an older cross section, if you like. I am in my early 30s.

No not put on weight. I am the HD spouse and he is slightly lower but not *low*. For reference purposes my ideal is 3-4x week, his 2x week. We hit 1-2x week usually with some other stuff thrown in. 

This however was not the case last year when he turned me down solidly for around 6 months. We were not sexless but we only had sex when *he* wanted. It killed my esteem. I previously considered myself open and freely initiated. I do not any more and this does not bother him at all.

Whilst porn per se does not bother me, there are times when he jacks off to porn and I cannot understand how when he knows I would like more, he does not give me right of first refusal. However frequency is not so much an issue now, it is more the damage he did to my esteem. I went from completely happy with our sex life to a shell of my former self.

This has come at a time when I recently brought up that I felt he did not find me attractive any more as that was what all the evidence was pointing at. He insists he does but his actions say otherwise allthough he explains these away in other ways. Seeing he has been looking at nubile 18 year olds is nearly the nail in the coffin with that, if that all makes sense.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Have you asked him if he has a preference for the near 18 yr old porn? If so what has he said? 

If someone has helped to damage my self esteem over the years, the"nail in the coffin" might be different for me, I wouldn't tolerate but so much, but thats just me.


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

Its not about you. Stop trying to make it so. Youare creating as problem in your mind. We all have enough already.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> This porn was very specifically age 18. There was no leeway with an older cross section, if you like. I am in my early 30s.
> 
> No not put on weight. I am the HD spouse and he is slightly lower but not *low*. For reference purposes my ideal is 3-4x week, his 2x week. We hit 1-2x week usually with some other stuff thrown in.
> 
> ...




You have a normal healthy sex drive but your hubby has a lower drive.

He denied you sex for 6 months? What happened just before that? EA? PA? What?

Myself, I try not to view porn and only do so when my wife isn't in the mood for weeks at a time, which is the norm. I prefer women, 20's, 30's, 40's and generally not teens.

Have a serious talk with him. Find out why he likes 18+ year old teens. Maybe dress up as an 18+ year old and totally surprise him?

All I can think of, as men get older, we look at younger women to feel youthful again. But when I was in my late teens, I only wanted 30+ year old women. Go figure.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

NoIssues said:


> Its not about you. Stop trying to make it so. Youare creating as problem in your mind. We all have enough already.


It IS about her! His behavior affects her, so she has to find a way to cope with it.

man I hate the short post slams!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

What harm could come from her indulging his fantasy and dressing like an 18 year old? Total surprise........


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

walkingwounded said:


> This porn was very specifically age 18. There was no leeway with an older cross section, if you like. I am in my early 30s.


Or so the site said. I've seen models who, according to their web sites, were "18" for several years. It's a genre/niche. I don't say that as an attempt to invalidate your reaction. If it bothers you, it bothers you. I'm just saying that focusing on the number plastered on the web page isn't really hitting the target of the issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The OP said the site was for 18+. 130 is 18+. 18- would get the OP's husband a visit from the law, so I assume all legitimate porn is 18+.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Yet women in their early to mid teens are on birth control and having sex with guys about their age and that's not breaking the law?

For me, she has to be old enough to get a drivers license, finished high school and in college or university, can get a full time job and move out on her own. From that point, it shouldn't matter because she's now an adult.

What I've noticed is a lot of young women today go for older guys. Maybe its because women mature faster than men and want a guy who has his life together and is a man, not a boy in a man's body?


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

NoIssues said:


> Its not about you. Stop trying to make it so. Youare creating as problem in your mind. We all have enough already.


What kind of response is this?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> What harm could come from her indulging his fantasy and dressing like an 18 year old? Total surprise........


Great minds think alike! Short little plaid skirt, pig tails, lollipop, Silly giggle...

Only why do they dress those girls in knee high socks, so unsexy!


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

OP...

You and your husband have issues.... the main issue is not 18+porn.

There is something missing otherwise he would be all over you.

He is probably like me in a way...

I frequent porn sites (once a day on average for a half hour or so) because of my sexless marriage when I do I seek the 18+ rather than middle aged ones.

Some of the Czech girls etc are pretty darn hot and they tend to be that age. Its exciting to see that genre to some men. The pickup sites etc.

Its sort of you know you can never really do it yourself but doesn't hurt to watch. Deep down we know they are legal and adults themselves.

It really has zero to do with you... he would probably desire sex with you over porn but something happened long ago in your sex life that makes it undesirable to him and he is coping.

I'm that way..I prefer varied sex with my wife but since that's been off the table for the last few years porn suffices to keep me sane.

The porn has nothing to do with her.... more the situation and ways to cope with it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm guessing his spirit is willing but his flesh is weak. He probably just has performance issues. Maybe occasional ED. He could look at porn and get himself off with a flag at half mast but he can't take care of the OP with one. A computer photo of a naked girl isn't going to be disappointed if he can't rise to the occasion. This guy may just need a trip to his doc.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

No way am I dressing up for him. Not happening.

He turns me down for 6 months --> kills my esteem --> I stop initiating as is too painfull --> he refuses to acknowledge or help mend things. Whilst things are good in terms of frequency, I pulled *way* back generally as I was giving far more than I was getting.

He has so far tolerated me withdrawing away from him and I do not honestly know what it would take for him to face up to this situation. Therefore, dressing up for him does not make any sense. Treat your wife like sh!t --> winning situation because she will still attend to your needs even though I do not have to try!

Def no ED.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Oh!!! Well this does put a bit of a new spin on things... Mighta been good to know he still hasn't accepted responsibility for whatever the hell is up his butt! This is the bigger issue, porn is nothing but a small incidental to the big problem here... Which is.... He's gonna make us guess? Put him on.., lemme talk to him... LOL!

Slam down on that porn, shut the bedroom door, give him the sofa! DEAL WITH ME or stay in your own space! I sense you have given him enough time to come to terms with whatever it is he's got on his mind, keeping you two from being happy together.


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## Omgitsjoe (Oct 1, 2012)

Not for nothing but I'd be more nervous if he was looking at grandmother ( over 80 yo ? ) porn than younger porn which IMHO is to be expected ?!?!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> No way am I dressing up for him. Not happening.
> 
> He turns me down for 6 months --> kills my esteem --> I stop initiating as is too painfull --> he refuses to acknowledge or help mend things. Whilst things are good in terms of frequency, I pulled *way* back generally as I was giving far more than I was getting.
> 
> ...



If you don't mind me asking, why did he turn you down with no sex for 6 months?

Is he seeing someone else?

I could never turn my wife down for 6 months, no sex, impossible. Even 1 week of no sex is really tough to do. Something else we need to know......

Not ED, definitely something is up and not him....

Even when my wife and I first got married and sex was 1x a month, yes 1x every 4 to 5 weeks, I did check out porn almost daily because of her LD. If she has a normal to HD, porn doesn't exist to me, nor do I think about it.

Check his cell, emails, texts, someone at work, cybering someone, there has to be something he's doing.:scratchhead:


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Cuddlebug, it was not a case of NO sex. Rather, he just started refusing me pretty much EVERY time I asked. He would still initiate though so our sex life was totally based on only having sex when HE wanted to. I eventually just told him I was going to stop trying. And I did. And from that moment on he has never directly addressed it or tried to deal with the effects of what he did.

I found out he nearly had an EA the year before. In my head gradually the dots have connected to make the refusals a side effect of the EA, that is, he did not find me attractive any more. He says no, he does and they are not connected.

I have been working on me and doing what I can to feel better about myself. We had a great weekend away. This porn just threw me though. If my esteem were higher and I felt more confident in his feelings for me then I doubt I would be bothered really.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

WW,

You've been dealing with this issue for so very long now and I feel for you and I identify with you!

I guess my question to you at this point is how far are you willing to go with this issue? Would you be willing to raise D as a possibility?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Walking,
This very same thing "triggers" me. Still, to this day. It has always been an issue, and I struggle with the facts.

The facts are... you are coming to terms with the realization that your husband has some inabilities to connect emotionally. He is uncomfortable with the idea of people getting close. Touching him.

You worked on you, and are much stronger and confident. 

This is kinda proof solid that it's his inability to be emotional. 

It's a huge hard pill to swallow. They are rejecting you for porn.
But they are rejecting the emotional connection to you.

If you can think of it this way...
Your husband is NOT able to have un-emotional sex with you. He thinks too highly of you. So he uses 18 yr old's on the net instead.

He choose to not have a just-for-sex quickie with you. He loves you too much. 

I don't know if you can teach him to "use" you that way, or if you even want him to? But the more "far off" his porn choices are from you, just shows it's the opposite of you. Purpose driven, not what he really wants.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

The underlying issue is BEING rejected, not interpretations about what it "means" if he is looking at any particular kind of porn. If he wasn't looking at porn at all, but rejecting you and whacking off - that would still be your problem. 

The "teen porn" is largely fraudulent in exactly the same way that 20-something actors are playing high school students in movies. Putting your hair in a pony tail does not make you 18. 

The men who are banging these porn stars are thinking about other women somewhere between the first and twentieth time they've done them. They have no power over you.

But his rejection - that's hurtful. It results in these insecurities and it is difficult to overcome no matter how much logic dictates we should not. You are hurt at an emotional level, not an intellectual one. He must acknowledge this, validate your feelings, and work to change his behavior.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Wiserforit said:


> The underlying issue is BEING rejected, not interpretations about what it "means" if he is looking at any particular kind of porn. If he wasn't looking at porn at all, but rejecting you and whacking off - that would still be your problem.
> 
> The "teen porn" is largely fraudulent in exactly the same way that 20-something actors are playing high school students in movies. Putting your hair in a pony tail does not make you 18.
> 
> ...


Very valid point, 
Walking,
You've made soooo much progress on not taking this personally. I know it hurts, and it's so simple to take on his rejection and fall back 20 steps. 

You guys are making great progress. It isn't going to change immediately overnight. You have setbacks, and so does he.

You know he has some emotional barriers. You cannot force him to break those all at once. 

Sometimes the best thing you can do is to not look in the first place


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## Jonathan35 (Feb 28, 2013)

Women need to just chill out about men and porn. Men get aroused visually. Because of technology they can find whatever they are looking for, and somethings they are not even looking. Thus, you may then stumble upon it occasionally. Just imagine if everything you have ever thought about while masturbating all of a sudden was available on a video screen for your husband to watch. I'm guessing you would not want him to see it and he would learn some really interesting things about you. But its JUST FANTASY. It's not something to ruin your life, marriage and the lives of your children over. Just relax and concentrate on things that matter, like how he treats you and your children.


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