# 11 years going down the tubes



## TTN (Sep 9, 2013)

I am in my early 30's I have been with my husband for 11 years. Our relationship has never been the easiest but we have had a great love and friendship. The last 5 years we bought and remodel a home, what I didnt know was during that time my husband was addicted to pain killers it all came out about 2 years ago after a few failed attempts to quite, he did suceed and has been sober now for 9 months. I am very proud of him for this but, I still dont know if I can forgive him for the deceit throughout the last few years. We lost our trust, respect and friendship, do I still love him yes, but is that really enough? We fight all the time and I have offered to go to couseling and our pastor but he doesnt want to says we can deal with it on our own but obviously thats not working. Worse is when we fight he really puts me down in a way I never expected from him, to top all this off both of us were layed off 10 months ago so financial we are strained too. I have told him how I feel and hears it but I dont truly think he listens. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle and not sure what to do. Any advice would be amazing.: signed confused:


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Did he go into NA?

Have you attended any meetings?


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## TTN (Sep 9, 2013)

no he did not and will not he says it is not for him. I went to a meeting and should have gone to more but I feel like if he doesnt want to put any effort into why am I and I know that sounds selfish but it seems to always be that way with us I bend and he gives very little in return.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I think you would benefit from an Ala-non meeting or the drug equivalent for partners of addicts. The "sober" him is not very nice. I'm not sure if he actively sober. He may not be using, but he sounds very angry & is fighting demons. By all means, do not accept his bad behaviors & his sobriety is no excuse to treat you poorly.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Emerald said:


> I think you would benefit from an Ala-non meeting or the drug equivalent for partners of addicts. The "sober" him is not very nice. I'm not sure if he actively sober. He may not be using, but he sounds very angry & is fighting demons. By all means, do not accept his bad behaviors & his sobriety is no excuse to treat you poorly.


:iagree:

I think you need to flat out tell him that the "working it out on our own" isn't working period because the M is currently on life support. You haven't gotten any resolution and his attitude is making things worse. 

Your H seems to be a bit of a selfish and unsympathetic jerk. I would not be surprised if he is using again either.

I recommend you get yourself to a meeting. Not for him, but for you.


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## TTN (Sep 9, 2013)

I agree I def need to go for myself, and he truly is a jerk and I am not just saying that to be mean, most people consider him a jerk overall but the other side of the coin I see is the good duy or atleast I used to see. He also plays games that I dont like, for example I am staying with my mom right now this happened just over the last few days and he doesnt text or call at night then the next day does and says he loves me, it seems like he loves me when he is lonely and I just dont think I want to be treated that way. I am not perfect by any means but I do try very hard and take my vows very seriously, I told him flat out we needed either a counselor or a divorce lawyer because what we are doing is not working he said a couple days he would think about it and we can talk. My feeling is that if you need a couple days to think about it then it is at a point that it cant be fixed and stop playing games with me. Am I totally off kilter with my thought process here, being brutality honest will not hurt my feelings thats why I am here. Thank you so much all the advice is really helping me right now.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

If everyone else thinks he acts like a jerk but you...then he is probably a jerk and you aren't or can't be objective. 

Don't let up and keep the pressure on. Don't let him sweet talk you into coming back with things unresolved. 

Pay attention to what he does, not what he says. Be patient and see how things go.

Sounds like you two are currently "separated". How long?


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## TTN (Sep 9, 2013)

I have been staying at my parents for a short period of time, but today I caught him lying to me which is really sad because we were supposed to go have dinner tonight so we could discuss everything. I feel like there is nothing left to discuss now because I cant keep letting this happen. I have an appointment to go see an apartment this afternoon because I know he will not leave our home so I will I guess that is my next step to making this more permant and really starting to take step forwards to moving on. It is very terrifing which probably sounds crazy because I am a full grown women, but I am choosing to walk away from my home and family (no kids but pets) because its all I have left that I feel I can do..so sad it has come to this.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Sorry it has come to this too.

What did he lie about?


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## TTN (Sep 9, 2013)

Tron said:


> Sorry it has come to this too.
> 
> What did he lie about?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TTN (Sep 9, 2013)

TTN said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He said he been sober 10 months now I find out he slipped up once which probably isn't that bad but it is the lying I can not take...he put us through hell the first time and he has never given us a chance to rebuild because I keep catching him in little lies he says other things are true but he doesn't get the concept of trust is all the time or not...there is no in between...and I being to harsh? I feel like the only choice I have now is to leave do you have any other suggestions I know I am not supposed to give up marriage is a vow but I am lost
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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