# Reality of the "fog"



## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Was conversing with a mutual friend of former ex cheating fiancée recently. She related a talk she had with ex fiancée. Apparently exfiancee talked at one point about her she had felt she lost control of rational thought during her cheating. She was worked on by a coworker labelled as a player. Worked from EA to a physical encounter. 

She said (paraphrasing, from our mutual friend) that she knew what was doing was wrong, but felt so strongly excited that it altered her "normal" thinking which made it easier to cheat. 

I cannot buy the fog talk. I dislike even reading posts about it. I cannot come to accept that this force of the cheating was so powerful that she couldn't control herself, and the lies and the betrayal. I've come to look at the fog talk as more of an excuse than anything else. I understand the thrill or rush people get from the secrecy. I can get that. But I cannot buy the fog as such a powerful thing that I e seen here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Have to agree with you Whip.

I think "fog" is mostly just a useful term for Tammers to describe the fantasy world the cheater CHOSE to build in their mind. 

The girl in your story could have just as easily have said that the whiskey looked so good she had to have a sip, and then a swallow, and then a deep drink, and then she started feeling so good she just couldn't stop till she passed out.

She chose to entertain inappropriate thoughts about the POS. She chose to pay inappropriate attention to him and receive it back.
She chose to start a relationship with him and then to fvck him.

Did it all feel good? According to your acquaintance, YES.

Flirting and fvcking generally feel pretty good.

So feeling good is apparently "fog". Still a choice every step of the way.


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## StuckInAL (May 8, 2014)

i'd imagine along the lines of the "rush" single people get from dating/meeting a new person they find engaging....or the first time you get really interested in a girl/boy as a teenager. especially if you've been in a long term relationship.

i can see it...im not saying i condone it or think it's an excuse to cheat; but i can see it.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Whip, I couldn't agree more.

Terms used as excuses to minimize and make betrayers feel better include:

* fog
* affair
* affair of the heart
* mistake (no, burning the meatloaf is a mistake)
* mid life crisis
* sowing wild oats
* finding ones self
* loosening my boundaries

And so forth...


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Here's the deal: the affair comes first and then the "fog" kicks in. So it can't be an excuse for the affair. The "fog" is just the state of mind the cheater is in during their affair. It's part compartmentalizing, part rationalizing, part justifying. Just like any lie, if you tell it often enough it starts to become the truth and to them it is. I watched my WW come out of her fog right before my eyes. I didn't know she was cheating but certain things happened that somehow shook her out of her "fog" and she actually broke down in front of me and confessed. Looking back I can see how different she was acting during the previous year. And now she is a completely different person.

So no, the fog's not an excuse for the affair, it's how the WS can live a "normal" life during the affair and still have such attachment to the AP. 

In real life when you walk through the fog, things are still there, you just don't see them. That's what the affair fog is. Real life is still there, they just choose not to see it.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

HarryDoyle said:


> Here's the deal: the affair comes first and then the "fog" kicks in. So it can't be an excuse for the affair. The "fog" is just the state of mind the cheater is in during their affair. It's part compartmentalizing, part rationalizing, part justifying. Just like any lie, if you tell it often enough it starts to become the truth and to them it is. I watched my WW come out of her fog right before my eyes. I didn't know she was cheating but certain things happened that somehow shook her out of her "fog" and she actually broke down in front of me and confessed. Looking back I can see how different she was acting during the previous year. And now she is a completely different person.
> 
> So no, the fog's not an excuse for the affair, it's how the WS can live a "normal" life during the affair and still have such attachment to the AP.
> 
> In real life when you walk through the fog, things are still there, you just don't see them. That's what the affair fog is. Real life is still there, they just choose not to see it.


Well stated.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Affairs are planned, covert ops. They don't befall people like the flu.

Once the person is in it they get a high, but they made the choice before the high occurs. The Fog is the sexual high from the attention and secrecy. 

I've met plenty of attractive men in my profession, and never 'fell' into any of their arms. Affairs are very deliberate.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

The fog is the pleasureable chemicals cheaters experience. Dopamine and the others. You get that chemical rush when you first fall in love. Drug addicts also get that happy rush when they use. It's addicting. Drug users also know what they're doing is wrong, but find it very difficult to stop. 

Sometimes good people don't set out to cheat. Maybe it happens gradually and because of a lack of good, solid boundaries. Maybe someone at the gym strikes up conversation and you find the person attractive. Maybe a little flirting which you find a little exciting because of the effect of the dopamine. Maybe you look forward to seeing this person more each day as you get more friendly and the brain chemicals make each chit chat session more pleasurable and addicting. You might know you're headed for trouble, but it's so much fun you rationalize it any way you can. 

You start talking yourself into believing that your spouse doesn't pay enough attention to you. Or that he or she is insensitive, lazy or whatever. Soon you can find yourself so addicted to the excitement it becomes emotional and maybe even physical. That's my understanding of the fog. Deep down, you can know it's wrong, but your chemical-addled rationalization hamster will trump any thoughts of stopping the affair. 

To combat affairs, I'm a big believer in constructing solid boundaries so the fog has no chance to take effect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Have to agree with you Whip.
> 
> I think "fog" is mostly just a useful term for Tammers to describe the fantasy world the cheater CHOSE to build in their mind.
> 
> ...


Looking back over my EA all I can say is that my thinking *was *foggy. It was almost like I was viewing life through a gauze screen.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

indiecat said:


> Affairs are planned, covert ops. They don't befall people like the flu.
> 
> Once the person is in it they get a high, but they made the choice before the high occurs. The Fog is the sexual high from the attention and secrecy.
> 
> I've met plenty of attractive men in my profession, and never 'fell' into any of their arms. Affairs are very deliberate.


In my case the sexual tension was not what caused the fog. There was no sexual tension, it was more about mutually shared hobbies, really.

The introduction of sex into the thing was what dispelled the fog, oddly enough.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> In my case the sexual tension was not what caused the fog. There was no sexual tension, it was more about mutually shared hobbies, really.
> 
> The introduction of sex into the thing was what dispelled the fog, oddly enough.


You are the strangest guy I've ever come across....you know that?


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

As a FWS, I don't buy into "the fog" ideation one bit. Pure selfishness is all it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> Whip, I couldn't agree more.
> 
> Terms used as excuses to minimize and make betrayers feel better include:
> 
> ...


That's the problem when we use these words to explain the psychology behind a situation... it invites trivialization and minimization of the issue... And sidesteps accountability.

Not only the wayward, but many betrayed spouses use excuses or explanation to go easy on a cheating spouse...

They have anxiety, they have some disorder, yada yada yada...

They take their troubled cheat back into their lives and just get burned a second time.

It's all BS and takes the spotlight OFF the bad behavior into the pointless realm of analysis.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Some cheaters may have a PD. BPD and AvPd diagnosis here. I NEVER once tried to use that as an excuse for what I did though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

indiecat said:


> Affairs are planned, covert ops. They don't befall people like the flu.
> 
> Once the person is in it they get a high, but they made the choice before the high occurs. The Fog is the sexual high from the attention and secrecy.
> 
> I've met plenty of attractive men in my profession, and never 'fell' into any of their arms. Affairs are very deliberate.


I agree with this.

I tend to agree with some of what Allen is saying, too. Terms which do mean something physiologically and psychologically are watered down too simply and are used as excuses, sometimes. 

While there are changes in brain chemistry, each one of us has the ability to chosoe, thoughout the process and before the sex ever happens, and that is the best place to choose the word, "no". 

I wanted to pat pidge on the back when I read what she wrote.

There is no excuse. There is only choice. Many things can influence choice, but in the end, it's up to each of us to determine what we will do.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

There are different possible scenarios. A person could become infatuated without anything physical taking place. A work colleague, for example, might become emotionally important. The relationship might have danger signals early on, e.g., the flash of desire, or admiration. It is certainly possible to fall in love before the first kiss.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Yeah well they are quite conscious when they pull off their clothes. 

It's like saying "I ran out of money, so I just had to rob the corner store, a fog came over me and I was powerless to stop'. 



People choose to have an affair, for the ego boost, the variety, the attention, and to force the end of a miserable marriage where they just don't give a damn anymore and want out. But they choose it. 

Lusting after someone, vs actually making hotel room arrangements, or going to their house are worlds apart.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> There are different possible scenarios. A person could become infatuated without anything physical taking place. A work colleague, for example, might become emotionally important. The relationship might have danger signals early on, e.g., the flash of desire, or admiration. It is certainly possible to fall in love before the first kiss.


That's not "love".. that's infatuation.

Far too often people confuse the difference.

I honestly don't think any love happens during infidelity.. it's infatuation and lust, not love.

I refuse to use the word love to characterize what destructive behavior takes place in deception to a families detriment.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> In my case the sexual tension was not what caused the fog. There was no sexual tension, it was more about mutually shared hobbies, really.
> 
> The introduction of sex into the thing was what dispelled the fog, oddly enough.


You know what. I hate to say it but I can identify with this. I can't say I've ever been in the fog, but when stepping out in the past I usually did have a lot more interest in the OW *before* we were intimate. Afterwards, it tended to fade and quickly. Like literally right afterwards. I know that sounds bad, but I guess that's just how I was back then.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> You are the strangest guy I've ever come across....you know that?


What it really was, Bandit? It was a deep clinical depression. I tried to fix myself with booze but that never works, really, does it?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

For those who don't believe in the "fog", let me propose an acronym that you can think of instead.

F - f*cked up
O - out of control
G - genitally comprimised


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

HarryDoyle said:


> Here's the deal: the affair comes first and then the "fog" kicks in. So it can't be an excuse for the affair. The "fog" is just the state of mind the cheater is in during their affair. It's part compartmentalizing, part rationalizing, part justifying. Just like any lie, if you tell it often enough it starts to become the truth and to them it is. I watched my WW come out of her fog right before my eyes. I didn't know she was cheating but certain things happened that somehow shook her out of her "fog" and she actually broke down in front of me and confessed. Looking back I can see how different she was acting during the previous year. And now she is a completely different person.
> 
> So no, the fog's not an excuse for the affair, it's how the WS can live a "normal" life during the affair and still have such attachment to the AP.
> 
> In real life when you walk through the fog, things are still there, you just don't see them. That's what the affair fog is. Real life is still there, they just choose not to see it.


Fog is not an excuse. They don't choose not to see it after a while it's automatic. The compartamentalization and rationalization of the lies causes to brain to a do a bunch automatically for them. They may see delusions even. It is powerful as if someone put some glasses on for them that would convert the images they see.


Fog can lead to the cheater rationalizing some really crazy things they wouldn't think about in their sane mind. For example killing, robbing or stealing are things that may be rationalized by the human mind.

It's just some thoughts in life it's best not to start up. Cheating causes an entire world to be created, where a there are a bunch of choices not considered and acted upon, but thought of.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

I get what the OP means and I feel the same way to some extent. However, the person who had that fling with a married co-worker was not the same person I've been with for 14 years. That doesn't condone or excuse what she did, but it does help explain her actions.

You can call it fog, temporary insanity, hypomania, or whatever... but she was not her usual self. She was not rational, she was an unapologetic liar, she was flaky at work, and she did things well outside what she viewed as wrong. Afterwards, she felt extreme shame and remorse.

She wasn't totally powerless... but she did not resist when she had a chance, she failed to recognize when things were getting out of control, and she stepped off the ledge and straight into "love" once she felt butterflies. The mind is a very powerful thing, and love/lust are very powerful emotions fueled by very powerful chemicals. She allowed herself to create and to fall into an alternate reality, and whatever you want to call it, that reality took control.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Fog is something the BS has to believe to keep his self respect intact and reconcile.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Well, the WS did love the BS while they were humping the AP. Didn't they? They never lost that love, it was just they needed something the one they publicly professed their love to, wasn't able to give them, so it wasn't their fault. It wasn't the AP's fault either, because they were just filling a need that the BS couldn't. They're a hero of sorts and should be held on a pedestal for helping the WS through their difficult time. If the BS was a better person and spouse, they would have realized the problem and done what was necessary to make the WS feel better, and then nothing would have happened. 

See?  <---means I was being facetious or sarcastic


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