# Finding lover because husband is chronically impotent



## robertas (Mar 25, 2012)

Can it work long-term if I tell my husband about my desire of having sex with the younger man?


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Oh boy, that would take GUTS!!!!!


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## robertas (Mar 25, 2012)

No courage yet to discuss the idea, I do not want to run away from home with anyone but want to keep the marriage going (we are true soulmates and have two gorgeous kids), but need regular sex after almost four years of frustration and unfortunately kissing, cuddling, petting is not a good substitute anymore.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Has he sought medical help?

I seriously doubt you will remain soul mates once you have an open marriage. You will be giving up a lot. Unfortunately, many times we don't realize what we have until it's gone.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

robertas said:


> No courage yet to discuss the idea, I do not want to run away from home with anyone but want to keep the marriage going (we are true soulmates and have two gorgeous kids), but need regular sex after almost four years of frustration and unfortunately kissing, cuddling, petting is not a good substitute anymore.


God that would hurt. Depends on your relationship. Roles reversed would you be ok? I equate sex with love so wouldn't work for me, but that's me. I couldn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

I guess the thing you are missing is the penetration.so why not buy a strap-on that he can use on you so along with the Oral and other things you can think of it might help with the issue.

You are going to have to sit down for a serious talk with your husband and look at all the pros and cons and look at every possible situation.

I would also suggest going to a swinger club[you don't have to swing.once again you don't have to exchange partners]but you may be able to judge your husbands reaction when he sees other husbands and wives going at it with other partners.


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## maggot brain (Nov 28, 2010)

Tell him he can watch and he may be ok with it. Seriously.


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

How about a little more information?

Is this a medical condition? Doctors involved? Psychological? Treatments?


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

You want a lover, not your husband. Your OP states it very clearly that you want a "younger" man. 

Your husband needs to know that and if he is not willing to go to the ends of the earth to find a "cure" or as others have commented use a strap on or whatever else is necessary then call it quits.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> What do you mean "the" younger man?
> 
> Is there someone else in the picture already?


I seriously was thinking the exact same thing!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If he's suffering from chronic ED (erectile dysfunction) it can be a sign of something much more ominous such as diabetes, prostate cancer, kidney disease, neurological disease or cardiovascular disease. 

Instead of worrying about getting laid by a younger man, your concern should be on your husband's health and getting him to go see a doctor to have a complete physical examination. Once those diseases are ruled out, then the two of you can search for answers on how to help him restore his erections to make intercourse possible.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

robertas said:


> Can it work long-term if I tell my husband about my desire of having sex with the younger man?


Work for whom? You? Your husband? The marriage? You already know the answer.


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## robertas (Mar 25, 2012)

Thank you all for troubling with my messed thoughts - reading so many of your fair replies made me question my own maturity (two-kid mum born in late 60's).
And, admittedly, I wasn't really generous with information, it was merely a rhetorical question if/how could one confused woman hope to grab something more from life without hurting anyone in the process.
Late in the office,, I'll have more time in the evening for typing and will go trough your replies then.
Promise,
Roberta


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

robertas said:


> Thank you all for troubling with my messed thoughts - reading so many of your fair replies made me question my own maturity (two-kid mum born in late 60's).
> And, admittedly, I wasn't really generous with information, it was merely a rhetorical question if/how could one confused woman hope to grab something more from life without hurting anyone in the process.
> Late in the office,, I'll have more time in the evening for typing and will go trough your replies then.
> Promise,
> Roberta


Your honesty is refreshing. I'm sure many look forward to a more detailed post as to the real issues and what is causing the ED issues. 

No one should go 4 years almost sexless with their spouse (and as you state their soulmate).

I am sure it is not easy and look forward to reading what your spouse has done to correct "the situation".


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

In the end it depends on him, but I can't help but think that it would hurt your relationship with your husband.

I agree with others though, that he should be checked out by a doctor for physical or hormonal issues.

Not sure, but is he able to get an erection with other stimulus? Even if porn is out of the question, perhaps swimsuit models or something more "light weight"? Is he turned on perhaps by erotic stories more than with pictures?

I would ask yourself though, how you would feel if he slept with someone else? One thing is for certain if you are going to open this Pandora's Box, then you should be able to answer in all truthfulness to yourself that you would be 100% fine with him doing the same.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Another crumb in the food for thought chain

Impotent doesn't mean he cannot pleasure you in other ways, does it?

If your soulmate cannot have sex, have you considered that you don't really need to have sex again either? You won't die. Assuming it's a permanent condition that cannot be helped, of course.
Its a mental choice.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

robertas said:


> how could one confused woman hope to grab something more from life without hurting anyone in the process.


You can't. Here's what's probably going to happen. You propose this to your husband and one of two things is going to happen. He'll be shocked and angry and you see the pain in his eyes and he leave you or threaten to leave and divorce.

OR 

He'll agree because he doesn't want to lose you. But, in the process. You'll crush whatever is left of his male ego, you'll rip his heart in two, send him into panic attacks anytime you leave the house and send him into a MASSIVE depression. Maybe to the point of suicide. I mean, less face it, you would be making it abundantly clear that he isn't man enough for you, so if he doesn't have a wife or masculinity, what else does he have to live for. Is that extreme? yeah. But, could it happen? yeah.

Talk to him. Get him to a doctor. Find out what the REAL problem is. Is he obese? That could be the problem. Is his testosrone levels below normal? That could be the problem. Does he smoke? Does he have diabetes? Those could be the problem. 

What you are suggesting is going to lose your "soulmate". Is it really worth it?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

robertas said:


> No courage yet to discuss the idea, I do not want to run away from home with anyone but want to keep the marriage going (we are true soulmates and have two gorgeous kids), but need regular sex after almost four years of frustration and unfortunately kissing, cuddling, petting is not a good substitute anymore.


Hi robertas ~

I guess I would challenge you on the 'soulmates' bit. It's not being a soulmate to think indulgently without considering how utterly destructive an action like you've suggested is to your partner.

There are ways and ways around ED. Has he been to a doctor to discuss the issue and have a medical evaluation? Start to educate and arm yourself with some knowledge - all is not lost.

Amazon.com: Overcoming Impotence: A Leading Urologist Tells You Everything You Need to Know (9781591021285): J Stephen Jones, Bob Dole: Books

Amazon.com: Coping with Erectile Dysfunction: How to Regain Confidence and Enjoy Great Sex (9781572243866): Barry W. McCarthy Ph.D., Michael E. Metz Ph.D.: Books

And, there are ways around making love with someone who has ED - it can bring you closer together if both of you are willing. Even though the following book is written by a prostate cancer survivor, and you haven't specified whether your husband's ED is a result of that or something else, the information about how couples can relate sexually and intimately to each other when impotence is involved may be beneficial to you.

Amazon.com: Intimacy With Impotence: The Couple's Guide To Better Sex After Prostate Disease (9780738207896): Ralph Alterowitz, Barbara Alterowitz: Books

Otherwise, I think you are just fooling yourself if you think you could fool around (and why does it have to be a YOUNGER man?) without hurting your husband, your family, YOURSELF.

Best wishes.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

If it is chronic, and ED meds are not effective....if you have insurance to cover it... he likely could be eligible for a Penile implant... If we was in that situation, we'd mortgage the house, it would be that important... If he gets one of those, you just pump it up & go ! Sex any time of the day... So long as he has a good attitude about it all.. this would be a beautiful answer.

BUt the attitude is the concern here...

I don't feel it is that easy on a man, if /when this happens and many many many shut down... I have my reasons for knowing this (and it is not related to my husband & myself)... I was on a forum once where a certain condition that can cause ED - seriously renders some men hopeless, depressed and unwilling to even try with their wives, a total shut down.....I read many of the wives sharing their pain, I had to get off of there.... IF that is what this OP is facing...I feel for her a great great deal. And this is no small matter. 

I do not feel it would be easy in any way, shape of form, if penetrative sex is important to one... 

I also recall reading a story about a wife who was dying inside, her husband had prostrate surgery/cancer, he was so angry he refused to touch her....that part of their life was over and he just expected her to be ok with it -after all, he was the sick one... she hated herself for having such desires , like they were a curse...reading her story brought me to tears. 

It is easy to say ...just stick by your partner, don't destroy them, but if their attitute is one that they have destroyed themselves and have shut down.... there is little a spouse can do. I wouldn't be able to hold up in such a situation personally.

Just wondering if her spouse is willing to go the lengths with her to better the situation ...or like I have just described here...he has shut down on her. ??


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## robertas (Mar 25, 2012)

ED problem: went to doctors and tried pills, no special medical conditions, still healthy in early 40's, problem attributed to our & his stressful hectic professional and social lives, part of it work-related depression. Pills were allowing only for partial arousal of which signs are inexplicably lost almost immediately.
Strap-on briefly experimented with more than a year ago and, psychologically, this did more harm than good - a mechanical exercise with prolonged silence after 'sex' after which frustration grew leading us to the above mentioned and ongoing 'shutting down' e.g. his asexual stage caused by self-inflicting blame is how I described it to him.
(Could be wrong on this but, in my opinion, strap-on can only be good for healthy sexual relationships. Useless kinky distraction otherwise.)

"The" young man: there is a real boy at the centre of my sexual fantasies recently and who is so much younger that he was probably learning to walk at the time of my graduation 20 years ago. I don't know his name, I think he is single (I occasionally see him in the Olympic swimming pool during mixed lane-swimming sessions, no g/f in sight, he must be a student - we women have our proximity radars, too.).
I never spoke with him and it may well happen that I never come across him again but I am now finding myself wanting to be taken by (someone like!) him roughly.
I think of sex with him all the time now, at work, at home, when driving on the way in between the two, when watching kids playing football (soccer), when watching tv, when going to bed, when waking up.....

Yet, I cannot and do not want to cheat even if I knew I could, my husband is a wonderful person and didn't deserve that. If the alternative is no proper sex ever again, so be it, I'll just carry on like this for as long as I can.
Completely driving myself to insanity about how to ask for husband's permission to approach the boy and flirt with him if/when we meet next time.
I still love everything about my husband and enjoy in everything else and every moment when we are together - all I now want to add is sex (not often really) with the boy and keep everything else as it is - with husband's knowledge.
I was warmed up by the suggestion of 'swinging' alternative, 1+2 me, boy and husband present, watching or participating as also suggested here... why not? that would be wonderful if it could only work.
I was on the verge of asking several times but couldn't have brought the subject up.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

robertas said:


> ED problem: went to doctors and tried pills, no special medical conditions, still healthy in early 40's, problem attributed to our & his stressful hectic professional and social lives, part of it work-related depression. Pills were allowing only for partial arousal of which signs are inexplicably lost almost immediately.
> Strap-on briefly experimented with more than a year ago and, psychologically, this did more harm than good - a mechanical exercise with prolonged silence after 'sex' after which frustration grew leading us to the above mentioned and ongoing 'shutting down' e.g. his asexual stage caused by self-inflicting blame is how I described it to him.
> (Could be wrong on this but, in my opinion, strap-on can only be good for healthy sexual relationships. Useless kinky distraction otherwise.)
> 
> ...


 This is tough. I cannot imagine how hard it must be on you. 
To be sure this is an emasculating situation for your H. Asking him to [email protected]% a young boy for your physical needs will likely not improve his self-worth. Asking him for this is wanting your cake and eat it too. If he loves you he may want to allow this as most good men want to please their wives. Even sometimes if it is at their own expense. 

Cheating with permission is still cheating.I think what you are proposing is proposturous. I would consider all alternatives before asking this potentially dangerous question.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I don't know your husband, but even if he agrees I just can't see how it wouldn't hurt him every time you spend time with another man. I can't imagine him not crying at least on the inside at the very thought of you with another man.

I agree the situation you are in is a truly terrible one, but I'm not sure that this will do much good. What's more, what if you fall in love with this younger man (or any other man), which is not impossible. You will have then taken his trust and his love for you and trampled him in a way with it. Now I know this last bit is a lot of "Maybes", but just keep it in mind as it doesn't seem implausible.


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

tjohnson said:


> This is tough. I cannot imagine how hard it must be on you.
> To be sure this is an emasculating situation for your H. Asking him to [email protected]% a young boy for your physical needs will likely not improve his self-worth. Asking him for this is wanting your cake and eat it too. If he loves you he may want to allow this as most good men want to please their wives. Even sometimes if it is at their own expense.
> 
> Cheating with permission is still cheating.I think what you are proposing is proposturous. I would consider all alternatives before asking this potentially dangerous question.



Agreed. Emasculating what sounds to be an already emasculated man isnt going to work very well. Us men have very ****y and rough exteriors and pretty fragile egos at times. Hell they can be just as easily bruised as a woman. I don't question the soulmate statement or love. Sometimes love and sex are not connected. It's not abnormal to have the need for what you don't get from your partner trump love. Doesn't make it right, but it does happen. The seven year itch, mid life crisis, etc are all real things that happen to good people and otherwise good marriages. I can say from experience that having two people in your relationship will not work long term. Most relationships that open that pamdoras box end up in divorce. It may not break up the marriage tomorrow or even in the short term. 

If I were in his shoes,mid certainly want to know that my wife was where you are mentally and be given the opportunity to man up. How you approach that is going to be e tricky part. I would suggest it not be after the fact or after things have progressed any further.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

tjohnson said:


> This is tough. I cannot imagine how hard it must be on you.
> To be sure this is an emasculating situation for your H. Asking him to [email protected]% a young boy for your physical needs will likely not improve his self-worth. Asking him for this is wanting your cake and eat it too. If he loves you he may want to allow this as most good men want to please their wives. Even sometimes if it is at their own expense.
> 
> Cheating with permission is still cheating.I think what you are proposing is proposturous. I would consider all alternatives before asking this potentially dangerous question.



Agreed. Emasculating what sounds to be an already emasculated man isnt going to work very well. Us men have very ****y and rough exteriors and pretty fragile egos at times. Hell they can be just as easily bruised as a woman. I don't question the soulmate statement or love. Sometimes love and sex are not connected. It's not abnormal to have the need for what you don't get from your partner trump love. Doesn't make it right, but it does happen. The seven year itch, mid life crisis, etc are all real things that happen to good people and otherwise good marriages. I can say from experience that having two people in your relationship will not work long term. Most relationships that open that pamdoras box end up in divorce. It may not break up the marriage tomorrow or even in the short term. 

If I were in his shoes,mid certainly want to know that my wife was where you are mentally and be given the opportunity to man up. How you approach that is going to be e tricky part. I would suggest it not be after the fact or after things have progressed any further.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Then divorce your husband. You say "swingers" as in plural. But, let's face it. It's swing, because he can "perform". So, it isn't swinging, you want to cuckold him. And from how you've described your husband, he won't be into that.

So, divorce him and spare him the pain. But, be honest and tell him that you need to end the marriage because you need a man and he isn't it. Don't fill him with false hope. 

Unbelieveable.....


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## vickyyy (Oct 28, 2011)

divorce your husband and marry young boy


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Keep this fantasy with the young man a fantasy. No good can come of it. Please keep talking with your husband about ways to solve this problem. If the shoe were on the other foot, wouldn't you want him to meet this challenge by working with you? Your marriage is too valuable to throw away on a lustful tryst that cannot have a good ending.


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## bclemmons (Jan 20, 2012)

airplane888 said:


> You need to look up penile injections, it's not as painful as it sounds. Yes men do stick very small needles into the side of their penis. This does work and your husband can have an active sexual life with you. You don't have to be unfaithful, you say he is your soul mate, then follow up on penile injections. Follow this link, it's an old link but it has great information about penile injections ....
> 
> First-Person stories about using injections & MUSE
> 
> airplane



++1 on this. 

There are also penile prosthetics (Penile Prosthesis: Implant, Surgery, Effectiveness, and Sex Implications) if literally nothing else is working.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Bad, bad, bad idea. I have just one question Robertas: have you lost your damn mind? 

Listen to the old C&W "Ruby Don't Take Your Love to Town" by Kenny Rogers. Listen close. 

Kenny Rogers - Ruby Don't Take Your Love To Town LIVE - YouTube

You would be doing the exact same thing to your hubby. 

Check into the penile injections. That might be a good route to take. Have you had your husband's testosterone levels checked? 

And how do you know this kid would want to do you anyway? You have to be smoking hot like my wife to enjoy the cougar lifestyle. I'm perfectly vigorous, and my wife is most likely sleeping with young men. It's killing me, and I don't want your husband to feel my pain.


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## maggot brain (Nov 28, 2010)

robertas said:


> I still love everything about my husband and enjoy in everything else and every moment when we are together - all I now want to add is sex (not often really) with the boy and keep everything else as it is - with husband's knowledge.
> I was warmed up by the suggestion of 'swinging' alternative, 1+2 me, boy and husband present, watching or participating as also suggested here... why not? that would be wonderful if it could only work.
> I was on the verge of asking several times but couldn't have brought the subject up.


Ask him. If nothing else it will open up communication on the subject.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Hope you've followed up on Airplanes advice.

There are numerous ED solutions today.

Has your husband thought about other stress relieving things he could do to cope with his job stresses? Counseling? Exercise?

Tell him you love him passionately and need him to lock into alternatives to get your relationship back on track

The whole idea of adding another is completely selfish. I don't think you deserve your husband if he's as great as you say. What ever happened to "In sickness and health"?


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

"Love, Honor and Cherish in sickness and in Health" guess that does not mean anything anymore.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Was your husband's T (testosterone) levels checked? Check out the information and charts at *Normal Testosterone Levels in Men by Age - Free and Total Healthy Male Ranges*. As we men age, our production of testosterone diminishes and may need a boost if it is lower than normal for our age. If your husband hasn't been tested for low T levels, he should go and get it done. The importance of testosterone levels in men (and women) goes beyond secondary sexual characteristics and libido since it can be a contributor to depression, a very common condition in older men. So don't delay and have him get tested.

Lastly, if you truly value your marriage and your husband as you say you do, then DO NOT allow yourself for one minute to communicate in any way, shape or form NOR allow yourself to be alone with the young man for one minute. The temptation would be to great and you will probably succumb to it. If that happens, I can guarantee you that your life, your husband's life and your marriage will be irrevocably changed forever and not for the better mind you. The short enjoyment of having sex with the young man will be engulfed by a continuous world of pain you will bring to yourself and your husband. Consider yourself warned.


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