# WS reconciliation step question.



## michelleM68 (Jan 22, 2011)

Hello. 
I posted many many years ago on my WH and situation and the marriage wasnt reconciled but the divorce hasnt happened due to the need of filing a chapter 13 and several large home repairs needed to sell a home. 

However i do have a question on a topic that i have never seen addressed here in the steps needed for a reconciliation. 

As you all know when the WW or the WH cheats, they often lie about their spouse to justify. They lie to both families perhaps , their friends, their coworkers and definitely the AP. 

If the cheating spouse asks for a reconciliation, or perhaps a divorce but forgiveness for the childrens sake to make peace....

Should the WW or WH amend the lies they told abour their spouse ?

If not? Why not?
If so, to whom and would it depend on the lies they told?

Just curious of everyones opinions


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

michelleM68 said:


> Hello.
> I posted many many years ago on my WH and situation and the marriage wasnt reconciled but the divorce hasnt happened due to the need of filing a chapter 13 and several large home repairs needed to sell a home.
> 
> However i do have a question on a topic that i have never seen addressed here in the steps needed for a reconciliation.
> ...


I've never been in this situation, so ... grain of salt.

I would say "Yes" for 2 reasons.

1st, the wayward needs to own up to their wrongdoing with everyone that was affected. Trying to go forward with a lie in the air will hurt those family members eventually when the truth comes out. Otherwise the affair never really goes away and you're constantly navigating a minefield of lies with people you love.

2nd, this will be painful for the wayward, and will not put them in a good light. If they are willing eager to reconcile then this would be a step they are not hesitant to take.

If I am a betrayed spouse, reconciling with me does not come cheap.
I have to KNOW in my soul that you would crawl through glass to get back to me.


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## michelleM68 (Jan 22, 2011)

Thank you.
I believe the same and if the BS agrees. 
Ive only seen advice on going no contact with AP, open passwords, accountibility of whereabouts, possibly quitting job if AP is a coworker. Exposure to AP spouse if there is one. Etc.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

michelleM68 said:


> Should the WW or WH amend the lies they told abour their spouse ?


Yes — and publicly.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

michelleM68 said:


> Thank you.
> I believe the same and if the BS agrees.
> Ive only seen advice on going no contact with AP, open passwords, accountibility of whereabouts, possibly quitting job if AP is a coworker. Exposure to AP spouse if there is one. Etc.


Full transparency includes a written timeline of events, full disclosure of everything. Times they met, what acts, everything to the level of detail you want, including what he/she said/did/wanted etc. 

That stuff can come back to bite you if the wayward is honest and open. But some betrayed need more details, some need less. Whatever the BH/BW needs should be done here.

Absolutely ZERO contact with AP, quitting a job is mandatory & expected if they are co-workers. It's not negotiable. Every time WW/WH sees or contacts the other, the whole affair potential restarts. And the BH/BW will have to re-live that nightmare each time, even if there's nothing there and it's completely innocent.

One WW I read about ASSUMED that she would miss her son's HS graduation knowing the OM would be in attendance. She hated it but it's a small price to pay to regain her BH trust. BTW, that didn't happen, the BH was rational about it. But that's the right mindset for a wayward.

Like I said...crawl through broken glass if you want my trust again WW.

I'll see if I can locate a published list of steps. It exists.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

I hope I'm not violating any rule here, but mods please delete this if so.

@michelleM68 good reading from another online forum:








SurvivingInfidelity.com - General Forum


Surviving infidelity support forums for those affected by infidelity and cheating




www.survivinginfidelity.com





I'm not endorsing the site but this document is pretty good I think.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Are you considering reconciling now? Or is this a question just in theory?


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## michelleM68 (Jan 22, 2011)

Just a curious question.

My situation involved me, the WH and the AP working at the same agency. I was completely trashed by both of them. She left to move out of state. He was fired and i transfered to another agency. However my current agency works in tandem with my former agency and many know each other. 

He wants my forgiveness years later but has severe image issues of looking bad in front of others due to verbal and emotional abuse from his alcoholic mother telling him he will never amount to anything. That part is true. She told our 4 year old son the same long ago

I still hold resentment and would like to completely 100 forgive but this piece has always bothered me. 

He admitted to both families he lied about me. But not the coworkers. Partly due to being fired n told no contact and partly due to fear of image. 

But i also posed this question as it was always on my mind but i have never seen it addressed in relation to others on here in their attempt to reconcile. 

If AP is to be no contact should the WS first admit to lies or does that even matter.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

michelleM68 said:


> Just a curious question.
> 
> My situation involved me, the WH and the AP working at the same agency. I was completely trashed by both of them. She left to move out of state. He was fired and i transfered to another agency. However my current agency works in tandem with my former agency and many know each other.
> 
> ...


My opinion:
"Forgiveness" is an entirely different question than reconciliation. And I don't think any other details matter when it comes to forgiving or not.

My 2 second definition:
Forgiveness is for you, not him. It's for you to move on with your life and not hold grudge or be bitter inside.
It can't be done in the moment, but should be done at some point as part of healing.

I heard it said that UNforgivness was like drinking poison hoping the other person would die.

Also, forgiveness does NOT mean you have to reconcile. It just means you'll be ok in life without him.

Regarding the truth coming out, that should absolutely happen to all parties publicly whether reconciliation is on the table or not. Let the truth be known.

All the excuses (shame, etc) for not wanting it to come out are just consequences of the infidelity. That's the price to pay. You make your bed and all that.


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## michelleM68 (Jan 22, 2011)

I agree that the reasons dont justify the inaction. We are not in love with each other and I am fine without him. I know forgiveness is for me. 

He was/is an addict in recovery and in process of making amends that addicts do. 

I just questioned myself for even wanting him to amend the lies ..is that normal or not since it was never noted anywhere i saw and others i have spoken to mentioned the same hurt of being thrown under the bus. 

I have not 100 forgiven yet it is a process. Or sometimes i think i have but then get triggered and realize perhaps not..

He just paid me back my retirement of 20g he stole years ago.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Yes, eventually you've got to forgive and even forget to a certain extent regardless of reconciliation or divorce. You will just be carrying a dead carcass of a marriage around if you agree to reconcoliation but don't let go of the resentment. Easier said than done, obviously. Divorce is easier in that respect since eventually you just become indifferent to them except as a coparent. 

Affairs pretty much kill a marriage, I'm skeptical of how genuine a reconciliation can be.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

michelleM68 said:


> Hello.
> I posted many many years ago on my WH and situation and the marriage wasnt reconciled but the divorce hasnt happened due to the need of filing a chapter 13 and several large home repairs needed to sell a home.
> 
> However i do have a question on a topic that i have never seen addressed here in the steps needed for a reconciliation.
> ...


I would make it a requirement.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

michelleM68 said:


> If AP is to be no contact should the WS first admit to lies or does that even matter.


I would personally say yes because it's at least the first step to show that they're working on and want to work on changing the mindset that allowed them to lie in the first place.

I'm also in agreement with Divinely Favored that it should be a requirement. Should one choose reconciliation, the reaction of the cheater to that requirement if they’re supposedly serious about making amends would be pretty telling.


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