# Help! I'm 33 and want baby, hubby is dragging feet



## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Ok so hubby and I have disagreed on when we should have kids. I'm about to turn 33 (he is 31) and need some help on how I can get him to see the light. 

His side:
** Total family man, would literally do anything for his family 
** Says we have an awesome life right now, why ruin it with a screaming baby
** Sees same future as I do (more than just the 2 of us in our later years)
** Doesn't seem to understand that pregnancy/birth/fertility all become tougher as time marches on (we have a 39 yr old friend who just had a baby)
** Seems to be waiting for a magical moment when he will see a man holding a baby and think, I want that (this won't happen til he's 40)
** Thinks people just have kids to please their parents (his mom is very overbearing but he does love her) or to fill a void (and he thinks our life is perfect). He loves his mom but has strong barriers with her and I think he views having a baby as turning his life upside down to please her. 

I'm 33. I think our life is awesome and that yes, kids will be annoying at times and a disruption to our current lifestyle. But I want them and I'm willing to make the sacrifice because I love my family more than anything and want more of that unconditional love and to be surrounded by family and kids who look like us. 

How can I get him to think about baby-making the way I see it (ie, my uterus is a time bomb that will expire in 7 yrs) vs his way (we have plenty of time and babies just fill voids)?


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Also we just made a huge house purchase and he has been studying for an exam that takes up most of his free time (will be done in couple weeks)


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Well, first off, your uterus isn't just going to die when you turn 40. As a general rule, your fertility goes down as you age. It doesn't just turn off  So you don't need to be freaking out. The age at which you've lost most of your fertility is different for everyone.

It may be that your husband is comfortable with the risk that you two may not ever have children. Yes, he may want them, but if waiting for when he's ready ends up meaning not having any at all, he may be ok with that. Not sure.

Having a child is a huge (did I say huge?) change to your life. The focus of your relationship is no longer you and him, but on a third party who does nothing but scream, sleep, demand attention, and suck the money straight out of your wallet. So I would caution you against pressuring him to do this before he is ready. Would you want a man to pressure you into something like this before you were ready?


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

The biggest issue isn't on this side, but the other side. He is 31. If you got pregnant today and popped out a baby in 9 months, he'll be 32. Which means he'll be 50 when that vile cesspool of filth finally leaves for college (or what have you). Tell him, the more you wait now, the less you get to enjoy the really good time when you are much more settled and don't have to worry about kids into your 60s.


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## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

I am on the opposite spectrum of you, my husband wanted a baby for the longest time while I did not. His own timeline was to have a baby before he was 30. We weren't on the same page then and put it off. Ultimately he let me have the final say when to have children as I would be the one carrying it. With that said, I finally caved and last September we ditched the birth control but unfortunately no baby yet. I honestly just didn't feel ready to have children when my husband did and wanted to enjoy more coupledom before bringing a child into this world so I do understand your husband's point of view. I am also a year older than my husband so I understand that my fertility is running out. My best advice is to leave the subject alone for a few months and then bring it up again. Whatever you do, do not pressure your husband into having a baby. My husband tried that tactic and it made me want a baby less and less. Give your husband time, I'm sure you will be both on the same page eventually.

By the way, 33 is not old. My grandmother married at 30 and ended up having 8 children in the 50's and 60's so she was well into her 40's when she had the last of her children.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Speaking as someone who struggled near 7 year to conceive our 2nd.... let's just hope fertility works easily for you when you hit your early 40's.. if you play it the way your husband wants.. Life doesn't always go as we hope it will.. 

It's your life.. but I feel waiting that long.. you need to be prepared .. what if it doesn't work, could you afford Invitro? Husband works with a man who's on their 2nd attempt, or maybe the 3rd... they are trying one last time, it's very very expensive out of pocket, insurance generally does not cover it.. In their case, an Uncle is picking up the bill for this one.. their last attempt.... they are in their 40's.. it will be devastating if they don't conceive this time ...

My best friend growing up.. she waited till her late 30's.. wanted to enjoy her career.. what happened.. she got Graves Disease, something about those meds to control it , her window of healthy opportunity has passed.. 

How is the health of your female relatives ? Talking to a Mom the other day.. THANKFULLY she had her children very young...learning she had a thyroid condition where she COULDN'T have children after age 23... Just something to consider.. Others are speaking how easy it is.. but sometimes it doesn't work out that way..


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## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

SimplyAmorous, valid points but I do think forcing a baby on someone who doesn't want one could be disastrous. I know someone who "accidentally" got pregnant in a committed relationship and the boyfriend didn't want anything to do with the pregnancy. He was somewhat supportive but the girlfriend was left go to prenatal classes and appointments on her own, pick the name, do the nursery. He actually stated he didn't care if the kid got his last name or not. He was totally checked out. They're still together as a couple but have had plenty of ups and downs. They both love their child but I know he would have much happier and more involved if they had made the decision together.

To the OP, have you asked your husband when he thinks he will be ready? Maybe you can reach a compromise on your timeline. Do you think his reasons for not wanting a baby are valid?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You need to take control of your fertility if a.) it's that important you have children soon and b.) you're not about to entertain the notion of leaving the man you're with to have what you say is important to you. 

I'd go get your eggs frozen. 

I'm also not trying to sound negative, but men that are married to women of good character and standing and find reasons not to want babies with them (and say they do but only when *insert some condition*) tells me they just aren't ready. Believe them. 

Many men just aren't ready until they're older.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I don't have any data or links to back this up but I do remember reading that the rate of birth defects goes up quite markedly as a woman reaches her mid 30's. My wife was particularly scared of this and insisted all pregnancy was done by the time she was 35.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

the more you push the more he will resist.

how about just accept what comes your way and be happy.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

muffin1983 said:


> I am on the opposite spectrum of you, my husband wanted a baby for the longest time while I did not. His own timeline was to have a baby before he was 30. We weren't on the same page then and put it off. Ultimately he let me have the final say when to have children as I would be the one carrying it. With that said, I finally caved and last September we ditched the birth control but unfortunately no baby yet. I honestly just didn't feel ready to have children when my husband did and wanted to enjoy more coupledom before bringing a child into this world so I do understand your husband's point of view. I am also a year older than my husband so I understand that my fertility is running out. My best advice is to leave the subject alone for a few months and then bring it up again. Whatever you do, do not pressure your husband into having a baby. My husband tried that tactic and it made me want a baby less and less. Give your husband time, I'm sure you will be both on the same page eventually.
> 
> By the way, 33 is not old. My grandmother married at 30 and ended up having 8 children in the 50's and 60's so she was well into her 40's when she had the last of her children.


Just to be argumentative, because I agree with you on all else....

She's right to worry, because those eggs do have an expiration date that isn't definite, but risk greatly increases for birth defects after about 36 or so.

If he's not ready in a year or two, she'd better decide if she's having kids or not. I wouldn't have kids after my wife was 40. Too much risk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> I don't have any data or links to back this up but I do remember reading that the rate of birth defects goes up quite markedly as a woman reaches her mid 30's. My wife was particularly scared of this and insisted all pregnancy was done by the time she was 35.


I'm not one for scare mongering, but it's good to know your chances and your options. 

It's not just women, but men, too. It's just not as disclosed. I think the WSJ had an article some years back about men 40+ and the increased chances of introducing birth defects. 

Having worked for a genetics company and having a parent pretty prominent in the field of bioinformatics (so, well networked in the community) there are issues that stem from either partner when trying to conceive past mid 30s.

They usually test the woman first, then the man, unless there's a family history reason to do otherwise.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Satya said:


> I'm not one for scare mongering, but it's good to know your chances and your options.
> 
> It's not just women, but men, too. It's just not as disclosed. I think the WSJ had an article some years back about men 40+ and the increased chances of introducing birth defects.
> 
> ...


This is good to know. I know my information is probably dated but it's something to certainly take under consideration. I used to work for a bioinformatics company to but it went under.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> My wife was particularly scared of this and insisted all pregnancy was done by the time she was 35.


My wife always wanted kids but was like this too, 35 maybe 36. But we weren't ready, still wanted to enjoy us (she was 30 when got married). So we never had kids. We're good.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Herschel said:


> The biggest issue isn't on this side, but the other side. He is 31. If you got pregnant today and popped out a baby in 9 months, he'll be 32. Which means he'll be 50 when that vile cesspool of filth finally leaves for college (or what have you). Tell him, the more you wait now, the less you get to enjoy the really good time when you are much more settled and don't have to worry about kids into your 60s.


Well, it's a double edged sword. Have kids early and enjoy the twilight years or have kids later and enjoy your younger years together. My wife and I opted for option 2. We didn't have kids until she was 29 and most of my friends/family had kids when they were in their very early 20s. We got to travel more back then while they were at home with the kids. BTW, we had our youngest when my wife was 35.

Now, we're the ones at home with the kids and they're the ones travelling. I'll be in my mid 50s when my youngest will be out of the house (accounting for college) and that's till plenty of time to enjoy life, unless I keel over then it won't really matter much to me at that point.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

All I can say is don't wait too long. My wife and I got married in our late 30's because we wanted to be financially stable with our respective careers in order to provide for our children, but that reasoning backfired on us as soon after we were married, my wife developed all sorts of health problems and suffered through two miscarriages. I think that if we weren't so career-oriented, we might have children today, but now, we're both in our early 40's and can see the proverbial end of the road.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

When we went down to the animal shelter to adopt a cat, they were adamant that everyone in the house be 100% on board with having it. Everybody got a veto, because there's no takes-backsies and it's a life altering decision. And the thing needs love, attention, companionship, feeding, and all of that.

If that's the case to get a cat, it should be even more 100% that you have a kid.

If he doesn't want one, he doesn't want one. If it's critical to you, find another husband.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening 
both parents absolutely have to be enthusiastically on board with having a kid or its a disaster. 

My wife wanted kids, I didn't but went along (stupidly viewing it as a duty as her husband). She couldn't get pregnant. Took in a foster kid (short term shelter care) - and she discovered she HATED having kids in the house. We are now both VERY happy that we never had kids. I'm convinced that if she had gotten pregnant, I'd now be a single father raising a child that I didn't want. 

Having kids is the most important decision you will ever make.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

He doesn't sound ready. I wouldn't push it either. It's quite possible he doesn't ever want children and he's just pacifying you for the time being by saying he does eventually want them. Pushing the "thought" of having children...or even actually having children with people who are not ready and/or never want kids is a relationship killer 100%. 

Sit him down. Ask him to be direct about his wants for children. Tell him it's extremely important (to you) that you have children within the next few years, set up a timeline that you would like to, uhm...procreate. If he doesn't agree, then you know that you need to move on. If he says he does agree, revisit the conversation in a year. If his excuses are the same or haven't gone away, you know that he's not all in for kids, then you will need to decide if you can live with that or not.


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