# What to do, and did I do the wrong thing?



## stamtaja (Apr 24, 2012)

A little background – 

I am 44, my wife is 42, have been together for coming up on 23 years, we dated off and on for 7 years before we got married. During that time we were the best of friends, worked together and hung out.. there was about a 2 year stretch while we were dating that she told me that she wanted a break, and wasn’t “in love” with me. During that two years she ended up getting pregnant and having the baby. We started seeing each other again, and things moved forward where we decided to get married.. I adopted the child, and have raised her. My daughter knows that I am not her biological father, but has had no contact with him.

Fast forward to today, our daughter is 17 heading to college in the fall, we are supposed to celebrate our 15 yr anniversary this year. We also have a son who is 13. We have had good times and bad, as any marriage, and for the past few years we have drifted apart, seeming like we are more roommates that spouses. With the economy ups and downs financially we had some hard times, but are currently on the upswing. We have money in the bank, own our home which has equity, and own 2 upside down rental properties.

During the drifting apart, some major events have included a loss of job, my brother’s death, and a few more less impacting events.

We sat down on talked a couple of weeks ago, at my request to talk about “us”, where we were heading, what we want, what has happened in our lives. She brought up how she has been feeling the same and thinks we should possibly separate. She states she needs time to find out what makes her happy, and that we are no longer “in love” and she doesn’t know if we were ever “in love”. She says she still “loves me” and is “concerned about the kids” especially the youngest who is going to have to live through whatever happens. He will not be away at school like my daughter.

This happened the week after she had been in Disney World with the neighbors and kids. It turns out a friend of ours from high school lives there, and they went out.. She met a “friend” and have been texting and speaking on the phone for the past 3 weeks, multiple times a day.

I was calm and collected and asked her about the phone number and name. Again she says it is “safe” and he is just a person that was easy to talk to, there is nothing there, since he is 1000 miles away.

She had to go back to work, and we are going to get together to talk again this afternoon, but during that time I called the “friend”, and spoke to him. He didn’t answer my call at first and I think he called her before returning it. We spoke and he assured me nothing happened, and that he just thought of her as a friend, and they are able to just talk. He was aware of our current issues, and apologized if he caused any of it.

Couple of questions..

Are we doomed? I have to say that I do still love my wife, can I answer the question if we are “in love”, I don’t know. I have always pictured us growing old together. In fact our wedding song was “Grow Old with Me” (never thought about that, until now)

Has anyone been in the same type of situation and it worked out? 

Do I just let her leave in the separation? I am not convinced of old saying of “separation makes the heart grow fonder”

Did I screw up by calling the “friend”?

While we do have our issues, does counseling work in this type situation? We obviously and both acknowledge that we have friendship and love each other, but can we re-kindle a spark?


----------



## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

Hi stam...

You might get more feedback regarding your questions if you post in the Coping With Infidelity section of the forums. They get these questions all day, everyday. 

Post your story there


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I agree with ParachuteOn that you'll get much more feedback in the Coping with Infidelity section. Some people approach this with the intent on divorcing, and others lean toward reconciling. You'll find that people will support you either way.

Personally, given your situation I think that the call to the "friend" was appropriate, and might lead the guy to backpedal. Most in the CWI section seem to lean towards gathering more data. 

You can PM one of the mods asking to move this thread there (Coping with Infidelity) if you prefer.


----------



## stamtaja (Apr 24, 2012)

Thank you - I will post it over there. I appreciate the help


----------

