# I feel like a prison warden



## thisguy (Feb 18, 2010)

My wife and I have been married for almost 5 years and have two young children. We have already been through quite a lot in our marriage: emotional cheating, back surgeries, drug addiction, mental instability, and backruptcy. We were able to get through all of that but the problem we are now having isn't something I really know how to deal with.

Neither of us has been happy in our marriage for a long time. Occasionally we will recognize it and try to work on it but it fizzles out after a few weeks. I believe the trouble really stems from her not being happy because the only reason I am not happy is because of her lack of interest and participation in the relationship. Her lack of interest and participation comes from the fact that she isn't happy. She isn't happy because I don't put in the effort because she is always unhappy and biting my head off or ridiculing me. Its just this big round circle of blame and we have tried to jump in that circle and try to start working on something hoping that it will go around the circle but it never seems to make it all the way around (did that make sense?).

My wife chose to become a stay at home mother when our first child was born a little less than 3 years ago. She eventually grew tired of her life revolving around the children and she now has a job but it does not pay well at all. She knows this as well. I feel like the only reason she hasn't left already is because she cannot afford to live on her own. Which makes me feel like a prison warden keeping her there against her will. 

She says that she loves me and that she wants it to work though. Since we had the discussion several days ago we have even been intimate nearly every day (granted, I have been doing everything I can to make her happy again). But when I asked her how she would feel if she were to see me and the kids with another woman she replied that she would be furious to see the children with another mother figure but she doesn't know that she would be upset to see me with another woman. That cut pretty deep.

I purchased a book called "The 5 Love Languages" and we are going to try to apply that so that we can both figure out a way to let the other feel the love that we have for them because that has been lacking. Hopefully along with that as well as a few behavior changes and the introduction of date nights the happiness will return.

I guess what I am wondering is are we just prolonging the inevitable? I can only speak for myself and what she tells me but I know that if I had to choose between being unhappy with her or happy without her I would choose unhappy with her. I love her that much. Because of that I'm not sure that I really could find happiness without her. Her on the other hand, she isn't sure which way she would be happier. Is it possible that she has become complacent in the fact that she is cared for and has a routine life which has caused her to become bored with it? 

I don't know...if anyone out there has gone through something similar (which I'm sure they are out there, I don't think this is that uncommon of a problem) and has some advice please pass that on. Thanks for your time


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Can you afford $200? That would pay for an hour of phone counseling with Dr Harley, over at marriagebuilders.com. He has an _amazing_ track record on helping couples fix their marriage. He doesn't waste time on blame or history or anything other than what changes can be made to make BOTH of you happy. It would be well worth the investment. He does 30 minutes with you and 30 minutes with your wife, and sends you 'home' with homework. I've seen marriages I'd not give two cents for, turn around after just one phone call with him (or his daughter, who also counsels).

As for figuring it out, also at marriagebuildes, you can get the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires. If you fill them out, you will have a pretty exact understanding of what each of you needs in the marriage to be happy, so you can both (hopefully) start working on it.


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