# Not loving your spouse the right way.



## ClayXIII (Jan 20, 2021)

I love my wife. Yet its as a best friend not as a husband should. Its been this way for years. I recently asked for a divorce than changed to a separation at her request. Here is the back story.

1999. We started dating. A few months in I had to move for work. And would be back only on weekend. The day I moved ahe asked for time and distance. I was upset because I was literally going to be doing that anyway but planned on staying together. We barely talked for a month. New Year's I went to her and told her i loved her. She said thank you and shut the door. (Yes I seen the friends episode. She seen it later and realized that answer sucked.) So I left and we didnt talk for 3 months. She ended up moving to the same city I did for work. We started talking again. Than dating. Afte a month of dating she went on a date with a guy that she said she promised before we started dating. We had a fight almost broke up but I guess I was stupid and young. We stayed together. Year later we married. It always seemed like I had to fight to make her happy.

Fast forward 2005. She asked to start an open marriage. I said no for about a month than gave in. I am a decent looking guy. So i had a girlfriend the next day. I was 24 and had a good job. She is a beautiful woman too but she chose men from far away. We had a rule if the other asked us to leave our spouse we end the open marriage. Well she had a guy doing that and she was considering it. So I said its over on the open thing. She freaked. Left and met a guy in a hotel 2 hours away. She came home abd asked for a divorce. I got upset broke things in the house. Never touched her. I hate spouse abusers. She locked herself int he bathroom and cut herself pretty good. Than walked away. 30 min later an ambulance went same direction. I called cops to make sure it wasn't her. Cops showed up and didnt liaten at all. Had to repeat 3 times I only wanted to k ow if she was ok. He yelled he wa going to tell me where she was. I repeated I dont need that info. Just that she is ok. He left. 3 hours later she called me to pick up our son. I show up cops are there to arrest me for domestic violence. Spent time in jail. Released after 3 days on own recognises. A week later they dropped all charges. Mainly because she admitted om a recorded line the cops told her to say I git and cut her.

So we are done. Before the police incident i tried marriage counseling she wouldn't go. I wasnt sad for the divorce once I thought about it. Wasnt even mad. I realized the love I had for her died the day she asked for an open marriage. A few weeks later I met someone. We will call her CB. My wife always made it hard to feel loved. The new woman I met made being lied feel easy and right. Well I ****ed that up by sleeping with my wife. I told the new woman and her answer was, we will work though it together. We really loved each other. Atleast I thought. I know I could have done better. I met her family, but I was hesitant to let her meet my two kids. That hurt the relationship. And I lost her on new years. ( I ****ing hate new years to this day.) 
This was the end of 2006.

We divorce legally. I get primary custody. She pays support even though we tried to get judge to wave it. Both of us. 

2010. I dated a few others in the 4 years nothing like the woman I met right after my divorce. To this day she fills my mind and heart and I cant explain why. I hate it some days that its this way. Even to the present its this way. She didn't date much after me. And now in 2010 my ex wife came to my house with a sister and her mom and proposed to me. We hadnt even talked about dating. I said yes because her family was there. And I think ahe knew that would happen. I hear though a few people that the CB gets upset at this. Makes me think she still cared. Had I known I would have ran to her. 

So first two years of new marriage to first wife. She "jokes" about separate rooms. I say anyone couple that does that isnt in love. Its convenience. Years go by and I think she does love me now in 2021 but its too late for me. I tried playing the role. I cant anymore.

Need some feedback please.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

ClayXIII said:


> Need some feedback please.


Divorce, again. And stop marrying your ex-wife. She's your ex for a reason.


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## ClayXIII (Jan 20, 2021)

bobert said:


> Divorce, again. And stop marrying your ex-wife. She's your ex for a reason.


Lol. Valid point.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

doesn't sound like much of a friend


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## ClayXIII (Jan 20, 2021)

Mr. Nail said:


> doesn't sound like much of a friend


Me? Yes at times ive not been a good friend or husband. Never cheated this marriage. The open one I believe we both cheated. When we were divorced between 2008 and 2010 we were really good friends. And I think thats what I want to try to get back.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I cant believe you had her back after that highly manipulative fiasco with the cutting and blaming you and the police arresting you. Do you have a death wish?


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## ClayXIII (Jan 20, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I cant believe you had her back after that highly manipulative fiasco with the cutting and blaming you and the police arresting you. Do you have a death wish?


He hasn't cut since 2006 which is good. I really felt that with the kids and all she changed and thought later she did it because child support was alot and she was alone for a year before asking me. So I thought because the money and because she was scared. By the time i realized this she was pregnant again with out third kid. Im old fashioned. I stayed. Now I know a loving family doesn't have to be together. Thanks for posting.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ClayXIII said:


> I love my wife. Yet its as a best friend not as a husband should. Its been this way for years. I recently asked for a divorce than changed to a separation at her request. Here is the back story.
> 
> 1999. We started dating. A few months in I had to move for work. And would be back only on weekend. The day I moved ahe asked for time and distance. I was upset because I was literally going to be doing that anyway but planned on staying together. We barely talked for a month. New Year's I went to her and told her i loved her. She said thank you and shut the door. (Yes I seen the friends episode. She seen it later and realized that answer sucked.) So I left and we didnt talk for 3 months. She ended up moving to the same city I did for work. We started talking again. Than dating. Afte a month of dating she went on a date with a guy that she said she promised before we started dating. We had a fight almost broke up but I guess I was stupid and young. We stayed together. Year later we married. It always seemed like I had to fight to make her happy.
> 
> ...


Sorry man you don't need feedback you really need to get some help. Let me put it in this in some context as you are not seeing it. You sound like a women who repeatedly goes back to a man who hit her and puts her in the hospital. 

Forget about all of this, you need to figure out why you are willing to put up with someone who treats you so poorly and continues to abuse you. 

This is not healthy, it's not a healthy relationship. 

Look up the book codependency no more.


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## ClayXIII (Jan 20, 2021)

sokillme said:


> Sorry man you don't need feedback you really need to get some help. Let me put it in this in some context as you are not seeing it. You sound like a women who repeatedly goes back to a man who hit her and puts her in the hospital.
> 
> Forget about all of this, you need to figure out why you are willing to put up with someone who treats you so poorly and continues to abuse you.
> 
> ...


I guess I didnt add in the post that the last ten years she hasnt done the stuff fron before. She only seemed like she was with me again for security and comfort. I was safe. Being alone scared her. So last 5 years of thr ten years weve been married she has been a great wife. I'm the one who gave up years ago. Just felt her affections were too little too late. Thabks for the reply you do make good points


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ClayXIII said:


> He hasn't cut since 2006 which is good. I really felt that with the kids and all she changed and thought later she did it because child support was alot and she was alone for a year before asking me. So I thought because the money and because she was scared. By the time i realized this she was pregnant again with out third kid. Im old fashioned. I stayed. Now I know a loving family doesn't have to be together. Thanks for posting.


However if you end this she may resort to that sort of manipulation again.


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## ClayXIII (Jan 20, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> However if you end this she may resort to that sort of manipulation again.


I'm hoping she doesn't. Though I am worried for the same. My oldest son is super close with me. He is hurt because he wants to go with me and I want him too but he is choosing to stay and take care of his mom. Makes me proud. He is a strong young man. 15. Ive told him its not his job to fix anything just be supportive and still be a teen and go have fun. Live life normal.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ClayXIII said:


> I guess I didnt add in the post that the last ten years she hasnt done the stuff fron before. She only seemed like she was with me again for security and comfort. I was safe. Being alone scared her. So last 5 years of thr ten years weve been married she has been a great wife. I'm the one who gave up years ago. Just felt her affections were too little too late. Thabks for the reply you do make good points


I'm sorry I am not trying to be harsh but something is wrong here. I mean you talk about the last 10 years but what she did to you before wasn't enough? Even the words "give up", it implies that someone like that brings any value to your life that you gave up on. Why do you not want and expect better from the person whom is to be the primary person in your life? Your language is so passive about her poor character. To me she sounds like a classic bully.

Now it turns out that she married you out of convenience and didn't have your best interest at heart, but my question is why you would assume she ever had your interest at heart to begin with? Seems in her every action she has her own interest at heart. Again you need to figure out why you are settling for so little? This is not, nor has it ever been a healthy relationship. That other women that you actually had the possibility of a good relationship was probably not some rare gem but just not a narcissist abuser.

Again, though I sound like a **** I am not trying to be, I am trying to wake you up to really take some stock about how you got here. You deserve better, everyone does. I hate when I read stuff like this because you don't know what you are missing.


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## ClayXIII (Jan 20, 2021)

sokillme said:


> I'm sorry I am not trying to be harsh but something is wrong here. I mean you talk about the last 10 years but what she did to you before wasn't enough? Even the words "give up", it implies that someone like that brings any value to your life that you gave up on. Why do you not want and expect better from the person whom is to be the primary person in your life? Your language is so passive about her poor character. To me she sounds like a classic bully.
> 
> Now it turns out that she married you out of convenience and didn't have your best interest at heart, but my question is why you would assume she ever had your interest at heart to begin with? Seems in her every action she has her own interest at heart. Again you need to figure out why you are settling for so little? This is not, nor has it ever been a healthy relationship. That other women that you actually had the possibility of a good relationship was probably not some rare gem but just not a narcissist abuser.
> 
> Again, though I sound like a **** I am not trying to be, I am trying to wake you up to really take some stock about how you got here. You deserve better, everyone does. I hate when I read stuff like this because you don't know what you are missing.


Thanks. That does help. Especially about the other woman not being a rare gem. I do need to let her go in my head.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I don't know about you, but your ex-wife shouldn't even be married. 

I know she can pull your strings. She stepped in right away and ruined your last relationship for you just to prove she could still pull your strings. 

You need to just get out of this. She isn't a new woman. But then you need to really be prepared to NOT let her interfere and set up a thing with a judge where you and she only communicate via an email site for parents sharing custody, and that way, she can only communicate about the kids, and so can you, and she can't be trying to show any future women of yours that she still holds all the cards and can make you come to the phone and make you change your plans and, well, make you sleep with her. She's very manipulative. 

And you also know she lied about the cutting, so this is not even someone you want around you or any new women.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ClayXIII said:


> Thanks. That does help. Especially about the other woman not being a rare gem. I do need to let her go in my head.


She may be great but you shouldn't believe that you lost your one chance.


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