# Wife wonders about other men/experiences



## Achim (Apr 27, 2017)

My wife and I have always been very open with each other. We have been together for 12 years. We have been very happy. She is a great wife and mother. We have 4 kids, who are 10, 4, 4, and 2. 

When we met, my wife was 18 and I was 25. She was a virgin when we met, with no dating experience. I had done it all and was ready to settle down. 

Now she is confused and wonders what is out there. Mostly sexual, I think. She looks at other men more and masturbates more than she use to. That has not affected our sex life frequency, which is still very frequent. I have however noticed a difference in that the sex doesn't quite feel the same though I cannot pinpoint what it is. Emotion, enthusiasm, perhaps. 

She wonders about other men and experiences, what it would be like. She doesn't like having those thoughts. Is this a normal feelings for a 30 year old woman? Or is it a bigger red flag?


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

He is a little secret. Almost everyone has temptation from time to time. It's the people who feed into those temptations and ruminate on them that you need to worry about.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you ever think about other women? Do you look at other women? Do you use porn?

It could be normal or it could be a red flag. What more is going on?

How many hours a week do the two of you spend together, doing things where you concentrate on each other (quality time), just the two of you with no children, etc. around?


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

When she gets in her mid thirties her sex drive is going to go through the roof. Looks like it's here already. Seems like it makes women crave "new". Probably just my own bias.

Either way, you sense something and I'm pretty sure you are right.
You may want to start working on rebuilding emotional closeness with her that has dwindled over the years. Take trips, go on dates with her. Court her. Show her she is adored, but don't be a doormat and let her know you can't live without her. Start working out and dressing differently. Wear a new cologne.
And get ready for the ride, it sounds like one is headed your way.


----------



## Achim (Apr 27, 2017)

I don't normally look at or think of other women. I am happy with my wife and my marriage. I do notice if a woman is attractive. I don't mind if my wife notices attractive men, thinks about them or watches porn. It's more that she felt the need to tell me about it and that it bothers her. She has admitted to sort of pretending in her mind that she is with someone else a few times during sex. That I have never done. 

Without our kids, maybe a few hours a week on a normal week. Sometimes more. Today and yesterday we spent 6-7 hours alone with each other, but that isn't common.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

She married very young. I suggest you keep talking to her about it. But don't give in because you feel bad about it as so many misguided husbands do. You basically should just end the marriage at that point. 

Personally I would be blunt about it. "I get it, but we made a deal, you don't get to keep me and experience someone else. You will have to wait until I die or divorce me. I covet your sexuality and I value it partly because it's mine, that will all go away if you give it to someone else" I think the men who don't attack this problem head on and try to nice it away end up doing themselves and their wives a disservice. 

There is nothing wrong or mean about holding your wife to her vows. Don't feel guilty about it.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Achim said:


> I don't normally look at or think of other women. I am happy with my wife and my marriage. I do notice if a woman is attractive. I don't mind if my wife notices attractive men, thinks about them or watches porn. It's more that she felt the need to tell me about it and that it bothers her. She has admitted to sort of pretending in her mind that she is with someone else a few times during sex. That I have never done.
> 
> Without our kids, maybe a few hours a week on a normal week. Sometimes more. Today and yesterday we spent 6-7 hours alone with each other, but that isn't common.


I agree with what sokillme suggests you say to her.

After that, there are likely some problems creeping up in your marriage. You two don't spend nearly enough time together to maintain a strong bond. To me it sounds like your wife is starting to lose some of her emotional connection to you and she has now idea what and why this is going on.

Women have a much stronger need for non-sexual intimacy. There is near zero non-sexual intimacy. Over time, the lack of non-sexual intimacy is going to kill your wife's love for you.

You both need to read the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" (see links in by signature block below). The books will guide you both through work that will help you fix this.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Oh, and you should be glad that she feels safe enough with you to talk about this. She could be handling this in a much more destructive manner.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Achim said:


> I don't normally look at or think of other women. I am happy with my wife and my marriage. I do notice if a woman is attractive. I don't mind if my wife notices attractive men, thinks about them or watches porn. It's more that she felt the need to tell me about it and that it bothers her. *She has admitted to sort of pretending in her mind that she is with someone else a few times during sex. That I have never done*.
> 
> Without our kids, maybe a few hours a week on a normal week. Sometimes more. Today and yesterday we spent 6-7 hours alone with each other, but that isn't common.


I don't do this either, but apparently it is extremely common and lots of people do this. It does not apparently mean that they wish their partner were someone else.

But I would say you should talk to her more about this as openly as you can. Find out if there is a specific person she is fantasizing about. Ask about what porn she watches and what she likes about what she does watch. Find out if it is some specific sex acts or specific people she is fantasizing about, or both. Or is she just passing through ideas of some strange through her head, without specifics. 

These questions can help you sort out with her what is going on. You need to find out if she has a specific attraction or a kink developing. 

If you both read a lot about this topic, you and she both could understand that it does not require actually going outside the marriage to explore these thoughts. But you also both need to find out if she does indeed "need" to do that, because if she does, she's eventually going to leave or cheat on you.

A good, but very difficult to read IMO book that addresses this topic is Passionate Marriage.


----------



## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Since my wife was my third virgin, I knew she would eventually get curious. My first fiancee got curious and cheated on me as a result. In fact she went nuts and had sex with many guys after I broke up with her. She had a kid by one of them. She does not know who the father is since they were one night stands. I solved that problem with my wife by soft swinging, a wife swap and a bunch of FFM threesomes. My wife did not like sex with other men, and still does not 44 years later. I cannot get her to even have a MMF threesome. Her curiosity was satisfied and knows that it does not get much better than what we have. My gosh, she reaches orgasm in under 3 minutes and they are so intense that not only do her toes curl, but sometimes her whole body cramps. No other guy was able to bring her to orgasm and she only likes sex when it is passionate lovemaking. You do not get that in group sex.

You can satisfy her curiosity in a safe way or hope that she doesn't cheat. The urge to try sex with someone else is genetic. As a couple who are not strictly monogamous, we have run into a lot of married couples loosening up their marriage to deal with our natural attraction to others and need for erotic sex. Read the CNN article below to see what is going on: Rethinking monogamy today - CNN.com

It is not everyone's cup of tea, and can be dangerous if your marriage has problems, but throughout our marriage we chose our marriage over monogamy. We have a great marriage as a result that we would not change a thing in.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Never ever share your wife or you bicycle with another man, you will not get them back in the same shape.

Plus the seat will smell like another man.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Of course she wonders about other men, you married a child for god sakes! Now she's older and wiser and realizes there are some experiences she missed out on and has no idea how important or not they are. 

The very fact that she is sharing this with you is fantastic. You need to help her explore what it is she thinks she missed out on? Is she yearning for novelty, you could set that up with role playing. Is she yearning for a specific type of experience that you could offer her?

The fact that your wife is talking to you means she expects to work through this with you, not away from you and jot hiding it from you. That's excellent!


Also, women get bored a lot sooner than men do, we change our hair style, hair color. We redecorate, change the wall color...we need more novelty than men but that doesn't mean that the novelty can only be attained through new men.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Of course she wonders about other men, you married a child for god sakes! Now she's older and wiser and realizes there are some experiences she missed out on and has no idea how important or not they are.


:iagree:


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

This isn't doom and gloom, but it's also not a great situation to be in, either.

Fact is, she's never experienced another man before. Meanwhile, you've experienced other women. Don't discount that.

While it's quite natural to wonder what it's like to be with other people, particularly when you have little or no experience to begin with, it's also very natural to compare yourself to your more experienced partner. For example, I have 'only' dated 4 women in my life (and I married 2 of them). I've been with a couple more. My wife, by contrast, has dated 5 or 6x as many people, and only married me.

I wouldn't say I'm inexperienced when it comes to relationships, love, or sex in any way. But my wife has more stories, experiences (good and bad), memories, etc. than I do. On occasion, I feel like I missed out on something, comparatively speaking.

Now imagine you have NO experience, no memories, no stories. All you know is one person. All that you've learned about love is from one person. All that you know about sex is from one person. All that you know about relationships is from one person. And on a daily basis, you are seeing other couples interact with one another, in different ways than you and your partner.

When you have experience, you know what it's like to interact romantically (and sexually) with other people. You figure out what's good for you and what's not. What you like, what you don't like. What you really want - and don't want - in a partner.

Side note, somewhat related, and not intended to scare the OP, but... My ex wife had dated a few guys before we met in our late teens, but I was her first actual relationship. She was not my first relationship, however. We were together until we hit our early 30's. Over that time, she had built up this resentment for me, despite being very happy for most of our relationship and parts of our marriage. But she eventually hit a point in her life, almost like a mid-life crisis I think, where she needed to see what else was out there. So she did. In any case, she half-yelled this at me at one point: "You stole my 20's from me!" - and she was serious. I think she quickly realized the ridiculousness of that, but it didn't matter, that's how she felt.

OP, I can't say I have any actual, solid advice for you, other than listen to your wife, and don't minimize her feelings. Make her feel loved and cherished and respected. That's all you can do. Neither of you can help her wondering what it's like to date, or be with, other people. It's valid, unfortunately. The older we all get, the more we realize life really IS short.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
It is not just women that wonder what they are missing. It is anyone that thinks there is something to miss. Contentment is found within, not without. Have you asked her if she would miss the exclusivity she now enjoys. Currently she is in a rather exclusive group of women, would she miss that? If she is in a loving marriage, with an emotional bond, the sex will never be better than it can be with the two of you. I am genuinely perplexed by this fascination with fleshy protuberances and cavities.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Achim said:


> My wife and I have always been very open with each other. We have been together for 12 years. We have been very happy. She is a great wife and mother. We have 4 kids, who are 10, 4, 4, and 2.
> 
> When we met, my wife was 18 and I was 25. She was a virgin when we met, with no dating experience. I had done it all and was ready to settle down.
> 
> ...


This is the EXACT reason I'd *never* date or God forbid, marry a Virgin.

Because eventually, a lot of them wonder what they missed out on and start feeling like they've been deprived. What the hell ever possessed you to start dating a virginal 18 year old teenage GIRL when you were 25? I'm getting the distinct impression that you wanted to have all_ your_ fun then marry someone 'pure.'


> Of course she wonders about other men, you married a child for god sakes! Now she's older and wiser and realizes there are some experiences she missed out on and has no idea how important or not they are.


Yup, yup, and yup.

It's only a matter of time before her curiosity gets the better of her.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Research suggests that when there is lack of personal development and/or lack of sexual creativity in a relationship that one's fantasies will often begin to shift towards "partner substitution" after being subjected to too much repetition. It is kind of the brain's way of helping keep things exciting. 

If for any reason this bothers you, your should encourage one or both of you to adopt a new hobby that makes life more exciting and/or try to be more creative with you intimate life and add more variety to any routine that has become mundane. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


----------



## Kerf (Apr 22, 2017)

I don't think the wife being a virgin and "missing out" is necessarily the problem.There some studies showing the opposite, but i am not an expert on their validity.


*
"A new study has found that women with between zero and one sexual partner are the least likely to divorce later on, with women who had 10 or more partners emerging as the most likely to see their marriages end, according to the Institute for Family Studies."*

*“Earlier research found that having multiple sex partners prior to marriage could lead to less happy marriages, and often increased the odds of divorce,” Professor Nicholas Wolfinger wrote in a blog post that announced the analysis. “*



Study Reveals Key Detail About Women Who Are Virgins When They Get Married ? TheBlaze


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> When she gets in her mid thirties her sex drive is going to go through the roof. Looks like it's here already. Seems like it makes women crave "new". Probably just my own bias.
> 
> Either way, you sense something and I'm pretty sure you are right.
> You may want to start working on rebuilding emotional closeness with her that has dwindled over the years. Take trips, go on dates with her. Court her. Show her she is adored, but don't be a doormat and let her know you can't live without her. Start working out and dressing differently. Wear a new cologne.
> And get ready for the ride, it sounds like one is headed your way.


Perfect advice.

Step up your game.

Try different things in the bedroom. These are normal thoughts.... from both sexes. 

Difference?: She told you this....right? In so many words, right?

Most men and women would never admit this. That she is open is good.

That she has opened and outed her fantasies is "Good Grief!". 

At face value...at full naked body value....she sounds somewhat "unsatisfied" with your intimacy and bedroom activities. Again, not unusual.

Keep her close...hold her tight. Actions, not Words.....uh, both!

One other thing. Act confident, not passive. Be in charge most of the time. Make decisions. Consult her on important matters, of course. 

Women like strong men...but not Neanderthals....damn it!


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Kerf said:


> I don't think the wife being a virgin and "missing out" is necessarily the problem.There some studies showing the opposite, but i am not an expert on their validity.
> 
> 
> *
> ...


I buy this. Even if our money is not backed by Gold.

Women who have had many sexual partners "Know" what is good and what is bad in a partner....sexually and emotionally. She also knows that she can get another man.

Women who have had very few or no partners prior to marriage, can only fantasize. Because the truth is unknown to them, they would be required to gamble on an "unsure" thing....getting another man, and being more happy with him. Cheating/divorce becomes a riskier endeavor [for them].

Men too, can fall into this category.

Just sayin'


----------



## Achim (Apr 27, 2017)

My wife is up with the kids at 5:00, she leaves the house at 6:00 and doesn’t get home until 5:00PM. I leave the house at 7:00PM and don’t get home until 3:00AM. So we have 2 hours a day to see each other at all. I have dinner ready, we eat and spend time as a family. I go to work before the kids are asleep. On days off, between shopping, taking the kids to various lessons and activities, catching up on housework, we don’t have a lot of time together. 

I didn’t pursue her because she was a virgin. I didn’t know that she was when I met her and I didn’t plan on meeting someone much younger. It was a sister of a friend of a friend situation. And I was skeptical. 

We have sex almost every day. Lately, in an ideal world she would get it more than once a day. Her sex drive doubled or tripled. Not complaining, but we don't have any time to 'do it'. On work days it is after I get home, on days off it’s after the kids go to bed. I don’t expect to let my wife go outside the marriage for some side action, or bring another man in. I also don’t want to find out in a week, month, year that she is having an affair. 

I can talk to her more about it. I didn’t want to encourage those thoughts. I know that the two types of porn she goes between is the “woman friendly” very sensual, slow, stuff. And rough group porn (MMF-gangbangs). Big difference between the two. She said she doesn’t fantasize about a specific real person, more like a specific made up person.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> When she gets in her mid thirties her sex drive is going to go through the roof. Looks like it's here already. Seems like it makes women crave "new". Probably just my own bias.
> 
> Either way, you sense something and I'm pretty sure you are right.
> You may want to start working on rebuilding emotional closeness with her that has dwindled over the years. Take trips, go on dates with her. Court her. Show her she is adored, but don't be a doormat and let her know you can't live without her. Start working out and dressing differently. Wear a new cologne.
> And get ready for the ride, it sounds like one is headed your way.


And fly the freak flag in the bedroom. That keeps it fresh and....you and your W will not think about what it is like to do this and that because you already have done this and that with each other.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Achim said:


> I don't normally look at or think of other women. I am happy with my wife and my marriage. I do notice if a woman is attractive. I don't mind if my wife notices attractive men, thinks about them or watches porn. It's more that she felt the need to tell me about it and that it bothers her. She has admitted to sort of pretending in her mind that she is with someone else a few times during sex. That I have never done.
> 
> Without our kids, maybe a few hours a week on a normal week. Sometimes more. Today and yesterday we spent 6-7 hours alone with each other, but that isn't common.


Make it short and sweet. Advise your her that you don't share your W with anyone. If you feel the desire to "try" someone else it will be her as a single divorced woman. End of conversation.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Oh, and you should be glad that she feels safe enough with you to talk about this. She could be handling this in a much more destructive manner.


Quoted for truth. That is instrumental in your marriage. The forthcoming of feelings and talking about it instead of the alternative that you find yourself in a different forum on this site. :frown2:


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Kerf said:


> I don't think the wife being a virgin and "missing out" is necessarily the problem.There some studies showing the opposite, but i am not an expert on their validity.
> 
> 
> *
> ...


Good study. My W had lost her virginity to a BF before me. It happened once with this BF. After we were married my W stated she wished she had saved herself for me. I married my W when she turned 21. We are going on 23 years of marriage. It is as strong as ever.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Kerf said:


> I don't think the wife being a virgin and "missing out" is necessarily the problem.There some studies showing the opposite, but i am not an expert on their validity.
> 
> 
> *
> ...



Actually the link is false because it links to another blog post that links to a study that doesn't even include past sexual partners nor the divorce rate. 

1. The Institute for Family Studies is a conservative, mostly fundamentalist group. 
2. Women with 0-1 past sexual partners are more likely to be religious (makes sense right?) and therefore they are much less likely to divorce even though their faith plays little role in predicting happy outcomes WRT marriage.
3. The Blaze, your link, rehashes info from a blog. It links to the blog and it links to the CDC where longitudinal Family attitudes studies are posted. 
4. The CDC has zero studies that show questions about number of prior sex partners nor number of divorces. 
5. The blog post that the Blaze refers to as a study is not a study. It is a blog post and though it also links to the CDC page on Family attitudes longitudinal studies, again, none of those studies correlate past sexual partner number, nor divorce rate.
6. The author of the blog post correlates the divorce rate going up and the number of past sex partners going up, since the 1970's, and suggests a relationship between "women's" past sex partner number being very low in the 1970's while divorce was also very low and today "women" have had more sex partners and the divorce rate is pretty high.
7. If the hypothesis that less sex partners equates to less divorce is true, why is this based on the number of partners for women and not also for men? 
8. The correlation between premarital sex and divorce, as suggested by both rates increasing since the 1970's, has already been disproved and yet religious fundamentalists still drag this out as if it's true. It's not.
9. Since the 1970's women have grown in their capability to earn their own wages and live independent of men, as a result, less women remain married to a man who isn't worthy. Therefore, the divorce rate has been increasing as women's earning potential has been increasing. The number of sex partners has ZERO to do with divorce rate.
10. The divorce rate has remained steady for the past 20 years, and yet women remain sexually active prior to marriage and women have gained in earning potential. This suggests that the divorce rate cannot be correlated with past sexual partners nor earning potential.

To sum up, your link is crap and your supposition that the youth and inexperience of the wife playing no role in OP's sitch is, consequently, unfounded.


----------



## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Kerf said:


> I don't think the wife being a virgin and "missing out" is necessarily the problem.There some studies showing the opposite, but i am not an expert on their validity.
> 
> 
> *
> ...




With all due respect, I highly doubt that any study linked to or from "The Blaze" was unbiased or scientifically conducted.


In any case, I find very little likelihood of causality here (meaning lack of sex partners in women leads to more stable marriages). I find it much more likely that both aspects result from the culture/society from which they were raised. I.e., women raised in strictly religious or poorer environments = less sex partners before marriage, more of a chance that they will defer to their husband's wishes at all times, and stay in a relationship under most circumstances. Whereas women who are raised in a more liberal/educated/economically developed environment will be raised to make more choices for themselves & their personal growth, which naturally = more sex partners before marriage and make it less likely that they would feel forced to stay in a marriage that wasn't ideal for them.


----------



## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Achim said:


> My wife and I have always been very open with each other. We have been together for 12 years. We have been very happy. She is a great wife and mother. We have 4 kids, who are 10, 4, 4, and 2.
> 
> When we met, my wife was 18 and I was 25. She was a virgin when we met, with no dating experience. I had done it all and was ready to settle down.
> 
> ...




As many have said before me, be very happy that your wife loves you and feels comfortable enough to voice this concern of hers to you. The nature of her concern might make it easy for you to take it as an insult but she's actually paying you an extreme compliment. What she is telling you is that even though she is curious or has a fantasy about being with other men, she is keeping herself vulnerable to you by revealing her secret to you. Explore this with her by allowing her to talk about her fantasy. Not only will this confirm her trust in you but there's a good chance that there will be aspects of that fantasy that will excite you. Make it clear to her that any physical or emotional connection of that nature with another man is not acceptable - but you'd be willing to try different things that would (at least partially) her to fulfill aspects of her fantasy.

Also feel free to share negative experiences too. Remember that you have had many more life experiences than she has had. Right now, she is only imagining the positive aspects of her fantasy. In reality, she may have no idea of the negatives of being with someone else. Gently share and see where this goes too...


----------



## Kerf (Apr 22, 2017)

Edo Edo said:


> With all due respect, I highly doubt that any study linked to or from "The Blaze" was unbiased or scientifically conducted.



_http://before-i-do.org_

*
New Study Claims People Who've Had More Sexual Partners Report Unhappier Marriages | The Huffington Post*



Women who don't sleep around before their wedding have happier marriages - but men can play the field without worry, study finds | Daily Mail Online



> In any case, I find very little likelihood of causality here (meaning lack of sex partners in women leads to more stable marriages). I find it much more likely that both aspects result from the culture/society from which they were raised. I.e., women raised in strictly religious or poorer environments = less sex partners before marriage, more of a chance that they will defer to their husband's wishes at all times, and stay in a relationship under most circumstances. Whereas women who are raised in a more liberal/educated/economically developed environment will be raised to make more choices for themselves & their personal growth, which naturally = more sex partners before marriage and make it less likely that they would feel forced to stay in a marriage that wasn't ideal for them


.

You raise a lot of good points.Like I said I am no expert, just do not believe that OP's mistake was marrying a virgin.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Edo Edo said:


> In any case, I find very little likelihood of causality here (meaning lack of sex partners in women leads to more stable marriages). I find it much more likely that both aspects result from the culture/society from which they were raised. I.e., women raised in strictly religious or poorer environments = less sex partners before marriage, more of a chance that they will defer to their husband's wishes at all times, and stay in a relationship under most circumstances. Whereas women who are raised in a more liberal/educated/economically developed environment will be raised to make more choices for themselves & their personal growth, which naturally = more sex partners before marriage and make it less likely that they would feel forced to stay in a marriage that wasn't ideal for them.


Good observation as well. My W was brought up in a strict religious environment. It did make her act out in things such as drinking alcohol. Sexually she was not experienced as I found out when dating and first married. However, we are very sexually active and fly the freak flag much to my amazement porn like sex. She never expressed a desire for another man or experience with another man. But, she will say if a man is handsome(alway a movie stars).


----------



## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

I'll advise you the same as a wife unsettled by her husband's revelation of inner thoughts or fantasies: listen without judging, then harness and co-opt by meeting her desires in a way that is authentic for you. 

That doesn't have to mean involving other men or violating your own personal boundaries. Perhaps it's porn or erotic literature, role-playing a different sexual persona, or changing up your default bedroom dynamic (being more dominant--or less; trying kinkier things, whatever you may come up with that does it for her). 

If the process reveals a fundamental incompatibility (e.g., she wants MMF threesomes/swinging and you don't), better to find out now and deal with it openly. The alternative is to operate from insecurity, adopt an adversarial hall-monitor approach, and shame her into a dutiful but hollow state of compliance. I don't recommend going that route; it'll trade the real intimacy you have for a mental "house" full of locked doors and secrets.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Is there any chance that you could change your work schedule, so that it is more in line with hers? If that means finding another job, I would advise you to start looking for another job. That kind of split schedule is really bad for a marriage.

Like others have said here, I think it's a good thing that she is sharing this with you. And I think her telling you this is partly code for, "Dude, we're in a rut and you need to spice things up." What an individual woman wants and needs in her sex life can change over time as she grows and matures. Use this opportunity to learn more about her fantasies and what is turning her on right now, and see how you can help those happen, but still within the confines of your monogamous relationship. Be adventurous. Maybe get a little kinky. She fantasizes about a MMF threesome? That doesn't mean she actually wants to do it--we can fantasize about things we don't actually want to do in real life. And there are ways you can simulate a MMF threesome without actually having another person present. And you can try, ahem, toys of different sizes (with or without a harness) so that it feels to her like it's someone different, but it's actually you.

There are a lot of things you could do, and this could be great for you guys if you handle it correctly.


----------



## Finwe (Nov 5, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Oh, and you should be glad that she feels safe enough with you to talk about this. She could be handling this in a much more destructive manner.


I agree - good sign that she is willing to communicate.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Kerf said:


> _Before "I Do" - What Do Premarital Experiences Have to Do with Marital Quality Among Today's Young Adults?_
> 
> *
> New Study Claims People Who've Had More Sexual Partners Report Unhappier Marriages | The Huffington Post*
> ...


No one ever suggested it was a mistake to marry a virgin. However it was...concerning, that a 25 year old man date an 18 year old virgin. That demographic mix carries some baggage not flattering to OP. As a parent, I'd be running him down and making his life hell had he stepped up to my door looking for my 18 year old, and there is a reason for that. Experience, he has an abundance, she lacks it entirely, as such he carries a preponderance of the relationship power being older, wiser and more experienced. It's a relationship based on an unequal distribution of power and I would not sit by and allow any of my daughter's to enter into a relationship like that.


Lordy Be! Do you even read your own links?

Taking from the article at HuffPo you linked:



> Rhoades and Stanley hypothesize in the report that “more experience may increase one’s awareness of alternative partners.” In other words, people who have a number of prior relationships may become dissatisfied more easily.
> 
> But isn’t that another way to say they might be more aware of a bad relationship? Isn’t that a good thing?
> 
> ...


IOW, exactly what @SunCMars said.


----------



## Kerf (Apr 22, 2017)

Anon Pink said:


> No one ever suggested it was a mistake to marry a virgin. However it was...concerning, that a 25 year old man date an 18 year old virgin. That demographic mix carries some baggage not flattering to OP. As a parent, I'd be running him down and making his life hell had he stepped up to my door looking for my 18 year old, and there is a reason for that. Experience, he has an abundance, she lacks it entirely, as such he carries a preponderance of the relationship power being older, wiser and more experienced. It's a relationship based on an unequal distribution of power and I would not sit by and allow any of my daughter's to enter into a relationship like that.


There was at least one person in this thread who said they will never marry a virgin in general.Not just an 18 old one.


On to the age thing,

Some people never mature no matter how old they get.Others have their stuff together from a younger age.

I have friends with more than a decade in age difference and are the most wonderful and lovely couple I've ever met.





> Lordy Be! Do you even read your own links?
> 
> Taking from the article at HuffPo you linked


:

It should be taken with a grain of salt.You shouldn't blindly believe anything.I never said otherwise.




> The Marriage Project’s 418-person study is *legitimate*, experts say that the conclusions drawn from it — especially those which cast judgement on one’s sexual history and incite sentiments of ****-shaming — may not be entirely accurate.


"may not be entirely accurate" =/= wrong.And I never claimed it was 100% correct.




> "more experience may increase one’s awareness of alternative partners.” In other words, people who have a number of prior relationships may become dissatisfied more easily.
> 
> 
> "But isn’t that another way to say they might be more aware of a bad relationship? Isn’t that a good thing?"


Just because you're dissatisfied with your relationship doesn't mean it's bad.R's take work and if you aren't giving it all because you are thinking of greener pastures... well, that's not so good.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Never mind.
Sorry for the interruption.


----------



## DEMI6 (Apr 12, 2017)

Make her squirt!!! Case closed

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-J320AZ using Tapatalk


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> And fly the freak flag in the bedroom. That keeps it fresh and....you and your W will not think about what it is like to do this and that because you already have done this and that with each other.


The problem is that still doesn't satisfy the curiosity. The mechanics and feel of sex acts changes with different partners. The wife is curious about what sex is like with another man. Our OP can role play, introduce new toys, and "spice things up", but what he cannot do is be another man. 

The wife needs to either make peace with the fact that she chose to marry as a virgin and accept her lot in life or divorce and experience different sex partners.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

I've had my fair share of partners and I still wonder what's out there that I'm missing.


she gets no pass on this. 

be open and spice it up in the bed room.



18 is not a child! Just sayin.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Kerf said:


> There was at least one person in this thread who said they will never marry a virgin in general.Not just an 18 old one.
> 
> 
> On to the age thing,
> ...


Everybody knows somebody who... doesn't amount to anything.






> It should be taken with a grain of salt.You shouldn't blindly believe anything.I never said otherwise.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Well thank you captain obvious, it's good to know that relationships take work. But let's stick with the point you've been attempting to make by posting illegitimate links, and that is the lack of experience the wife has and your point is that her lack of experience has little to no bearing on her wonder of how other penises work. Okay, you've made your opinion known. Instead of posting bogus or questionable studies that parrot the 700 Club, why don't you tell us why you think the wife is contemplating what it would be like to have sex with other men?


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This is something that all couples must work out within their relationship at various times.

Every man and woman with a pulse will have a variety of yearnings, desires and urges for other people or for just something different from time to time. It's part of the human experience and anyone that says that they NEVER have any yearnings or urges for something or someone different at times is simply lying. 

Life long, happily-ever-after marriage where neither party has any attraction, desires, yearnings or curiosities about being with someone different is nothing more than the stuff of fairy tales - it is not part of real marriages or real human beings. 

All people, men and women have these desires and curiosities to one degree or another and in one form or another. 

There are a few general strategies and options on how to deal with these urges, feelings and curiosities. All of these options have their own set of pros and cons and it is up to each couple on how they can address it and work with each other within the marriage. 

The basic options and strategies are -

- Suck it up and deal with it the best that you can. This is basically having the feelings but buckling down and remaining monogamous and acknowledging that you will endure various degrees of frustrations, dissatisfactions and unindulged yearning over the years. 

- dissolving the current marriage/relationship and pursuing other relationships, ie "serial monogamy" or simply remaining single and playing the field and not reentering into an exclusive relationship again. 

- working out some kind of arraignment where people can scratch the itch for some variety with the foreknowledge and consent of each party within certain boundaries and parameters. ie swinging, open marriage, polyamory, threesomes etc.

- indulging oneself without the knowledge and the consent of the other, ie cheating, adultery etc. 

Those are the 4 basic options and strategies. 

Each couple must address and deal with those yearnings and feelings and come up with what may and what will not work for them.

Obviously, cheating will be the most destructive and harmful, but each of those options will have their own challenges and their own set of pros and cons. Each couple must work out what will work best for them over the long haul. 

Some will find that they are able to work together to be creative and satisfactory enough to remain sexually exclusive and live with the frustrations and unanswered yearnings that each will have. 

Some will be able to communicate and work together enough to have some form of consensual nonmonogamy. 

Some will decide that the current relationship is not enough to sustain them forever and will choose to divorce and move on. 

And unfortunately for many, one will decide to get their's on the side without the consent of the other and great harm and damage will result. 

The fact that you have good communication and are able to discuss these feelings and curiosities is a good thing. Hopefully you will be able to find a path that works for your mutual benefit as a couple.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You need to up your game. I recommend that you read Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay. It's a great guide on things you can implement to become a better man, husband, and father to better attract you wife.

I HIGHLY recommend that you change your work schedule or get a new job. The current schedule does a lot of harm to a marriage. Being on the same schedule will improve things. Many years ago, I worked the grave yard for about 6 months. In that short time it put an emotional distance between my wife and I. Things improved dramatically once I went back to days.

Occasional porn viewing can be fun but when it's influencing your thoughts for unnatural sex acts, then you know it's a detriment to the marriage. You have 4 kids whose lives could be turned upside down by what your wife is watching and probably starting to fantasize. Thoughts have power. Every thing that happens or is created started as a thought.

Also, who is she hanging out with? You need to watch for possibility of someone planting these seeds in her head. She may be having a WW or divorcee glamorizing whoring herself out. It really surprises me the amount of women that try to shame a woman whose only been with one man. I guess a woman's life is not complete unless she's been plundered by at least a dozen men.

Her telling you these things is the equivalent of a warning shot across the bows. Ignore it at your and your kids peril.


----------



## Kerf (Apr 22, 2017)

Anon Pink said:


> But let's stick with the point you've been attempting to make by posting illegitimate links,


Experts doubted the conclusions drawn from it, but there wasn't a question of legitimacy: "The Marriage Project’s 418-person study is legitimate" And like i said, "should be taken with a grain of salt, may not be entirely accurate" doesn't make the people behind this, illegitimate and wrong.



> lack of experience the wife has and your point is that her lack of experience has little to no bearing on her wonder of how other penises work.


The words i used were:

"I don't think the wife being a virgin and "missing out" is necessarily the problem."


Sure, her lack of experience maybe part of the reason she wonders about other men.Never said otherwise.But even if she wasn't a virgin, she may still wonder about things like having sex with a girl for example, or a hot guy she knows from somewhere, or guy with a bigger instrument.

I may "dream" of having a threesome or a harem.What i mean is that regardless of sexual history, everyone has these thoughts, right?




> Okay, you've made your opinion known. Instead of posting bogus or questionable studies that parrot the 700 Club, why don't you tell us why you think the wife is contemplating what it would be like to have sex with other men?


Well, OP did say they don't have the time to have as much sex as his wife would like.

*"We have sex almost every day. Lately, in an ideal world she would get it more than once a day. Her sex drive doubled or tripled. Not complaining, but we don't have any time to 'do it'. "*

This could be the problem.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> The problem is that still doesn't satisfy the curiosity. The mechanics and feel of sex acts changes with different partners. The wife is curious about what sex is like with another man. Our OP can role play, introduce new toys, and "spice things up", but what he cannot do is be another man.
> 
> The wife needs to either make peace with the fact that she chose to marry as a virgin and accept her lot in life or divorce and experience different sex partners.


I'm curious about the high of heroin. Does not mean I should try it. It is self destructive/life altering. So is sitting pondering getting some from another man. 

I agree. Accept it or get divorced and enjoy the experience. Once the high is done...then what?


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> The 25 year old got his, then goes after an 18 yo virgin.
> 
> She will forever have doubts.
> 
> OP, give her a one time pass.


you can play this game with everything. when will it stop. should she get a pass for as many different partners he had.

we will have to agree to disagree.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

chillymorn69 said:


> you can play this game with everything. when will it stop. should she get a pass for as many different partners he had.
> 
> we will have to agree to disagree.


Indeed!

My wife was my first and is still, and always will be, my only. I was not her first. The idea of asking for some sort of catch up plan is incomprehensible. When I made the commitment to her, that was that. Period. Everything that came before is now irrelevant; clean slate to start. Anything outside that commitment is unconscionable.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

s.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> I said a one time pass.


To dissolution of the marriage. Ever watch the movie "Indecent Proposal"? The feeling portrayed after the deed is done...the same will occur here.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> I'm curious about the high of heroin. Does not mean I should try it. It is self destructive/life altering. So is sitting pondering getting some from another man.
> 
> I agree. Accept it or get divorced and enjoy the experience. Once the high is done...then what?


I'll agree having sex with another man or men (with a hall pass or divorced) would be life altering, but I can't agree with it being self-destructive. 



Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Indeed!
> 
> My wife was my first and is still, and always will be, my only. I was not her first. The idea of asking for some sort of catch up plan is incomprehensible. When I made the commitment to her, that was that. Period. Everything that came before is now irrelevant; clean slate to start. Anything outside that commitment is unconscionable.


Just curious, how old were you when you chose your wife?

The human brain doesn't fully develop until approximately age 25, give or take. The OP's wife was 18, had no prior experience, and was not fully developed yet. I wonder if the difference between your thinking and OP's wife is that you were older and more fully understood the commitment you were making, especially in terms of life experiences you were sacrificing in order to marry your wife. If you were about the same age, there goes my theory


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> I'll agree having sex with another man or men (with a hall pass or divorced) would be life altering, but I can't agree with it being self-destructive.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Wife was 22 and I 21 at the time of engagement (when I believe the life commitment was made by both of us), 23 and 22 respectively at the time of the wedding -- older than 18, but still well shy of that 25 year mark. 


I'm disinclined to give a pass based on "not fully developed until 25." At 18, we can vote, die for our country, and most importantly, be tried as an adult for any crimes we have committed. Fully developed or not, our brains are up to the task of making adult decisions and our integrity should be developed to the point of being able to follow through on them. 

One more thing regarding the "one time pass"; if we go under the assumption that she is merely curious about the variety available, we need to consider that every lover is unique. So taking one for a test ride may do little to satiate curiosity. I don't see it as being a high probability of success. Furthermore, if we again assume that this is just a need to satisfy curiosity by an otherwise loving wife with integrity, and she does it and realizes the other is nothing new under the sun, curiosity satiated and once again loyal to her husband, she will have destroyed her integrity for nothing which will burden her as well as her husband.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Thought I would chip in here with my observations. In your opening post you asked if the way your wife was feeling was normal for a 30 year old woman. Well, there is no normal - everyone is different. However there are recurring themes that do pop up.

Your wife married very young. However many women (and men) the world over get married young and deal with it. 

Your wife was a virgin when she married. Not being a virgin would not necessarily stop her from wondering about what its like with other men - she could have slept with a dozen men and not had a good experience with a single one and she would still be wondering. However I agree that it is good to sow one's wild oats earlier on.

30 is the age when women start to peak in their sexuality and sex drive. 30 year old women the world over go through what she is going through now - increased horniness, a desire to try new and different things. All of this presents a challenge to any marriage.

Hall passes don't always achieve the desired result and carry a significant amount of risk with them. So it depends on what risk you are willing to take with your marriage. If it blows up you will have no one to blame but yourself (and the same goes for her).

A more important question is whether you will be able to deal with it. Your relationship (forget about marriage) will change in colour forever. And for some that is what they want to achieve but I doubt that this is the case with you. Open marriages and swingers exist out there. But they represent a very very small percentage of the married population and an even smaller percent of them are truly happy with their lifestyles.

Now I am going to draw your attention to what I consider to be an important consideration - one of the experiences a young girl gets as she goes through her dating years is how to form relationships with other men. Being married does not stop a woman from interacting with other men, being friendly, having joint interests etc. The PIV experience is just one part of that. So my question is whether your wife has a healthy relationship with other men in her circle or does she never get to meet many. My wife was not a virgin when we married and neither was I. But she didn't sleep with that many men before me. However what she did do and still does is maintain a good social life and this can be independent of me (though she prefers me to be part of it). She is a huge flirt and has men eating out of her hand if she wants it. We both have a good laugh about it but I know that I can trust her. This lets her maintain contact with the opposite sex without missing it.

If your wife stays at home, doesn't meet many other many in her social circle etc she will always be wondering about men in general. If she does have social relationships with both men and women her wondering will go down.


The other thing I wanted to say is don't discount the 30 year itch - as I said virginal brides and non-virginal brides both experience it. You need to make sure that being married a virgin at 18 is not being used as an excuse to scratch that itch.

If she truly feels that she should have got married later after playing the field for a bit, then you both need to split up (for both of your sakes) so that she can go out and scratch that itch. But she needs to know (and she is 30 so she should understand this) that she does this but there is no guarantee that you will still be around should she want to get back together again.


Unless you are into swinging and have a very strong marriage, don't do the hall pass or open marriage thing!


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Just because she does a little fantasizing is no reason to worry about her wanting to actually act on her fantasies. The idea fantasies lead to action isn't valid.

Role play to add spice to your own sex life is essentially the same as fantasies. There is no evidence role play is a gateway to infidelity.

My wife and I did a little swinging, actually having sex with other people. It was fun, and useful because my wife is bisexual. The lesbian part she needed to experience, but otherwise it wasn't worth the bother.

Mary says the reality never lives up to the fantasy. 

Especially when men are involved.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
This concept of missing something I find completely illogical. She misses what exactly. The feel of a different partner's breath on her neck, his hands on her body, his penis being inserted.... These are not the thoughts a person in a monogamous marriage should be contemplating. Tell her to forget those thoughts. Does she frustrate herself thinking how much better it would be if she had married a rich man, a famous man, a taller man, a shorter man, a more powerful man, a more subdued man, a more intelligent man, a less intelligent man, a rougher man, a more gentle man, a man with more hair, a man with less hair, a man with blue eyes, a man with green eyes, a black man, a white man, a conversationalist, a man of few words, this list is as long as it is irrelevant. If none of this matters then how could his fleshy protuberance be of such importance. She made a choice, she married you and now it is time to be accountable for that choice. And for all who offer that she was too young to make this choice then I posit that she, at 18, was also too young to competently choose the POTUS and should not have been allowed to vote. We all must be accountable for our choices.

There are always things in life to want, the key is accepting what you have or being willing to sacrifice what you have, after careful consideration, for what you (think you) want. If this marriage crumbles will she miss it? When the sexcapades are over will she long for the security and comfort of a solid marriage? And let us, for the sake of argument, say that you grant her a pass and she has the absolute best sex, better than even her wildest imagination, does she split up her family and lose her marriage to be with that man and "enjoy" that type of sex regularly or at least until he has sex with another married woman and leaves her because come to find out she is horrible at sex? Or does she pine over that brief encounter and forever resent you for not being as good. Conversely, if she finds a man who is horrible does she yearn to try again...and again....and again until she does find Mr. Wonderful?

I find this whole premise to be grossly immature, pointless and ridiculous. She has what many of us here long for and she wants to introduce what many of us here wish we had never experienced. I believe it is time for her to grow up, accept the good life she has and appreciate that instead of fantasizing about the "better" that she is missing.

And my last thought is that this is all over the act of sexual intercourse, if that is not a glaring statement on the over importance our society has programmed into our thoughts regarding this activity then what could ever be? Fascinating.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> Mary says the reality never lives up to the fantasy.
> 
> _Especially when men are involved_.


:lol:


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Wife was 22 and I 21 at the time of engagement (when I believe the life commitment was made by both of us), 23 and 22 respectively at the time of the wedding -- older than 18, but still well shy of that 25 year mark.
> 
> 
> I'm disinclined to give a pass based on "not fully developed until 25." At 18, we can vote, die for our country, and most importantly, be tried as an adult for any crimes we have committed. Fully developed or not, our brains are up to the task of making adult decisions and our integrity should be developed to the point of being able to follow through on them.
> ...


I also think this is just not marriage for most people. It's not how marriage works, or how life works. As you grow and become mature you learn that you have to give up stuff. That's just life. If you are going to commit to a monogamous marriage then you commit with the understanding that you can't satisfy your curiosity anywhere else when it comes to sex. 

You can't change that even one time and expect that to come back. I mean the husband could do the same thing. What if he decides he never got to have a 3-some. Or got to be with a blonde. It's the same thing and you could do that with any number of different things. 

Life doesn't work like that. Not a stable life anyway. At least for most people. 

It actually leaves her vulnerable also, if the husband in ten years time starts to feel older and decides to go down a dark road to help those feelings, there will be a reason in his mind to justify it. She may learn that satisfying her curiosity may not have been worth the risk but this is something you can't come back from, and will damage the foundations of her marriage. 

Honestly I don't think there is fixing this, whenever I hear these stories I just think the person was never mature enough to be married.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> I'll agree having sex with another man or men (with a hall pass or divorced) would be life altering, but I can't agree with it being self-destructive.


I would argue it is self-destructive. Currently it is eating away at the W this idea of another man. She is darned if she does and darned if she doesn't. Inner conflict that could possible lead to depression.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Wife was 22 and I 21 at the time of engagement (when I believe the life commitment was made by both of us), 23 and 22 respectively at the time of the wedding -- older than 18, but still well shy of that 25 year mark.
> 
> 
> I'm disinclined to give a pass based on "not fully developed until 25." At 18, we can vote, die for our country, and most importantly, be tried as an adult for any crimes we have committed. Fully developed or not, our brains are up to the task of making adult decisions and our integrity should be developed to the point of being able to follow through on them.
> ...


You were closer than OP's wife to full brain development, but not quite there yet, yup. 

Yes, 18 is the legal age of adulthood, but there is plenty of evidence that 18 year olds aren't fully developed yet and will spend a few years learning adulthood on the job, so to speak. I wasn't offering an excuse for OP's wife, I was offering a possible explanation. An immature 18 year old without any real life experience is bound to re-evaluate their decisions after reaching full maturity.

I had similar thinking about a one time pass. One time sex with one man wouldn't satisfy my curiosity if I'd only had sex with one partner my whole life. How actually having sex outside the marriage would affect her isn't something we can predict. Some people are naturally just fine with non-monogamy in various forms and feel no loss of honor and integrity provided they are acting with permission from their spouse/SO. Others completely fall apart.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> You were closer than OP's wife to full brain development, but not quite there yet, yup.
> 
> Yes, 18 is the legal age of adulthood, but there is plenty of evidence that 18 year olds aren't fully developed yet and will spend a few years learning adulthood on the job, so to speak. I wasn't offering an excuse for OP's wife, I was offering a possible explanation. An immature 18 year old without any real life experience is bound to re-evaluate their decisions after reaching full maturity.
> 
> I had similar thinking about a one time pass. One time sex with one man wouldn't satisfy my curiosity if I'd only had sex with one partner my whole life. How actually having sex outside the marriage would affect her isn't something we can predict. Some people are naturally just fine with non-monogamy in various forms and feel no loss of honor and integrity provided they are acting with permission from their spouse/SO. Others completely fall apart.


when exactly is full maturity? I'm much more mature at 50 than say 30. this is exactly why marriage is a sham the vowes you take don't really mean anything. at any time one person can decide for any reason to just say well I think I want out. and very often one gets beat up in a divorce. Really not worth the risk


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

chillymorn69 said:


> when exactly is full maturity? I'm much more mature at 50 than say 30. this is exactly why marriage is a sham the vowes you take don't really mean anything. at any time one person can decide for any reason to just say well I think I want out. and very often one gets beat up in a divorce. Really not worth the risk


We were talking about physical brain development, so full maturity for the purpose of this discussion would occur at approx. age 25 when the prefrontal cortex finishes developing. Teenagers and early 20-somethings process with their amagdala, the part of the brain that is emotional. By about 25, the processing center changes to the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that is rational and understands long term consequences.


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Yeah, the human brain. Studies have found, and from what I've read several experiments verify the same results, age 25 is when the human brain stops growing up.

But there's little chance any 18 year old is going to let a silly thing like a law say they aren't adults.

I wouldn't have. My kids wouldn't have. 

Hey, my wife and I are still married after 43 years, and we got married when I was 19 and she was 18. Rare as hen's teeth.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> The wife needs to either make peace with the fact that she chose to marry as a virgin and accept her lot in life or divorce and experience different sex partners.


Every partner is different. So, there IS another option - the one she is asking for. Sometimes it leads to problems. And sometimes it does not. It really depends on the couple and their individual dynamic.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> You were closer than OP's wife to full brain development, but not quite there yet, yup.
> 
> Yes, 18 is the legal age of adulthood, but there is plenty of evidence that 18 year olds aren't fully developed yet and will spend a few years learning adulthood on the job, so to speak. I wasn't offering an excuse for OP's wife, I was offering a possible explanation. An immature 18 year old without any real life experience is bound to re-evaluate their decisions after reaching full maturity.
> 
> I had similar thinking about a one time pass. One time sex with one man wouldn't satisfy my curiosity if I'd only had sex with one partner my whole life. How actually having sex outside the marriage would affect her isn't something we can predict. Some people are naturally just fine with non-monogamy in various forms and feel no loss of honor and integrity provided they are acting with permission from their spouse/SO. Others completely fall apart.


One problem with your argument, OP will not allow this. It will destroy the marriage.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

ABHale said:


> One problem with your argument, OP will not allow this. It will destroy the marriage.


I was NOT suggesting he give her a hall pass. I said I didn't think a hall pass would actually satisfy the curiosity. It's a damned if ya do, damned if ya don't situation. If the wife doesn't let this curiosity go the marriage is toast. If she satisfy's the curiosity the marriage is toast. The only solution that preserves the marriage is that the wife accept she chose to marry before experiencing life, that the young and wild and free ship sailed without her years ago, and she lets this curiosity die.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My question is.. did she want to be a virgin when she married.. did it mean anything to her.. that she was saving herself for the right man?.. or she just never had prior opportunities for experiences?

This may make a difference.. just saying.. I was one of those who wanted to wait for whom I married.. I do think we all have a few fantasies and wonder what it would be like with someone else (those with only 1 partner).. I would say this is completely normal .... I can't deny I have felt this.. most especially when my drive was insatiable.. but the core part of me that cared a great deal about the romance of my marriage and what we share always over rode this.. 

During that time...I write my husband the most erotic passionate letter about how I wanted to explore new things, anything I felt *WE *missed.. it was never what I missed.. but what WE missed... how I wanted *US* to go all these places together... that he is the love of my life...plus I spoke like this daily and went out of my way to bring some new novelty, spicing things up.. It became a passion of mine.... 

It sounds you & she only spend a FEW hours a week together generally (without kids).. can I say.. this could be a problem.. has it always been this way?? Do you know how she feels about this.. could it be that you & her have grown apart and she feels something is missing.. a void...could be she yearns for a man who would give more of himself.. not just sexually but emotionally also..

An article on the importance of spending time with each other....

The Policy of Unidivided Attention



> How much time do you need to sustain the feeling of love for each other? Believe it or not, there really is an answer to this question, and it depends on the health of a marriage. If a couple is deeply in love with each other and find that their marital needs are being met, I have found that about 15 hours each week of undivided attention is usually enough to sustain their love. When a marriage is this healthy, either it's a new marriage or the couple has already been spending that amount of time with each other throughout their marriage. Without fifteen hours of undivided attention each week, a couple simply can't do what it takes to sustain their feeling of love for each other.
> 
> As I have observed the quality and quantity of undivided attention given in romantic relationships, I find that while some time is given almost daily, significant "dates" are scheduled several times a week. These dates usually take about three or four hours, the time that it would take to meet all four of the intimate emotional needs to the satisfaction of both spouses. So while some form of emotional connection should be made throughout the week, if the four intimate emotional needs are to be met effectively, a four-hour date is usually required.
> 
> ...


She may be craving more from you... how is your sex life - how often - who initiates, does she orgasm, loving it?


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

The thing I'm seeing is this. Just like when I was in the service, we were conditioned mentally and physically for service. 

She is conditioning herself to be with someone else. She is watching it and thinking about it constantly. Even when she is with you, she pretends you are her "fantasy man".

Instead of fantasizing about and desiring you she is putting that energy into her pretend OM. This not good. 

One day the fantasy man will show up and she will take a bite of that apple if she continues down this path.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

what does it all mean? It probably means she needs:
MORE SEX
MORE VARIED SEX
KINKIER SEX
SEX IN NEW PLACES
NEW TYPES/TECHNIQUES
NEEDS YOU TO STEP UP TO THE PLATE


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

ABHale said:


> The thing I'm seeing is this. Just like when I was in the service, we were conditioned mentally and physically for service.
> 
> She is conditioning herself to be with someone else. She is watching it and thinking about it constantly. Even when she is with you, she pretends you are her "fantasy man".
> 
> ...


i don't buy that at all. there are PLENTY of people with very vivid sexual fantasy lives, who would never ever dream of physically having sex with someone else. I would guess half of the women out there fall in this category of having vibrant fantasy lives.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> We were talking about physical brain development, so full maturity for the purpose of this discussion would occur at approx. age 25 when the prefrontal cortex finishes developing. Teenagers and early 20-somethings process with their amagdala, the part of the brain that is emotional. By about 25, the processing center changes to the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that is rational and understands long term consequences.


Lol,

Ok so 25 yrs old. But some people develope eariler and some develope later. Do men and womens brains mature at the same age?

Oh sorry this is just for disscussion. Because the brain is the least understood of all human physiology.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> i don't buy that at all. there are PLENTY of people with very vivid sexual fantasy lives, who would never ever dream of physically having sex with someone else. I would guess half of the women out there fall in this category of having vibrant fantasy lives.


And there are plenty that do. Also, half the ones you know can be cheating, they're just good at hiding it.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

How often have we heard a WS say it was like I was in a fantasy world.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I think the OP may have bailed. He hasn't posted in two weeks.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

FeministInPink said:


> I think the OP may have bailed. He hasn't posted in two weeks.


OP is just in awe at our wonderful advice! :smile2:


----------



## leon2100 (May 13, 2015)

Many years ago, a gentleman who was much older gave me this: "Remember, all cats are gray in the dark" After watching others who thought differently screw up their marriages by trying other kitties... I now understand.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

sokillme said:


> She married very young. I suggest you keep talking to her about it. But don't give in because you feel bad about it as so many misguided husbands do. You basically should just end the marriage at that point.
> 
> Personally I would be blunt about it. "I get it, but we made a deal, you don't get to keep me and experience someone else. You will have to wait until I die or divorce me. I covet your sexuality and I value it partly because it's mine, that will all go away if you give it to someone else" I think the men who don't attack this problem head on and try to nice it away end up doing themselves and their wives a disservice.
> 
> There is nothing wrong or mean about holding your wife to her vows. Don't feel guilty about it.


agreed completely !!

Also, the problem is that if she is going to venture down this horrible road of infidelity, why did she agree to bring 4 kids all 10 or under into this world and now wants to venture ?? That is both a betrayal to OP and a betrayal to the family . This needs to be snuffed out immediately. Otherwise a divorce will take place of the OP will end up living in an awful open marriage for the next 16 years. I know people who had to suck that pill down (didn't have to but did). And when the time was done, there was nothing left of them


----------



## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> I think the OP may have bailed. He hasn't posted in two weeks.


If he has, I can't say I blame him. Some posters were discussing his wife as if she was just a man's property, in particular her vagina.


----------



## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

I think as a civilisation, we are far too obsessed with where we put our naughty bits. In my earlier days, I had one those off on relationships and when we got back together, we found our nether regions were in the great shape as before and possibly a bit more toned. Plus we had both learned a few tricks on the way. Happy days. I was less happy when my mate borrowed my car and write it off though.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

twoofus said:


> I think as a civilisation, we are far too obsessed with where we put our naughty bits. In my earlier days, I had one those off on relationships and when we got back together, we found our nether regions were in the great shape as before and possibly a bit more toned. Plus we had both learned a few tricks on the way. Happy days. I was less happy when my mate borrowed my car and write it off though.


It's not just sex. It's this feeling that we are somehow entitled to have it all. No your not. Life is about making choices, lots and lots of things are either/or. Binary. That's life. But this just goes with the Perpetual Adolescence that is today's culture.


----------

