# Does It Make a Difference?



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

If your betrayer came to you soon after, confessed most and made a fair effort to R, or you finding out on your own or much later?


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

me makes no difference she would be gone so fast.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

In my case I was told abut her 3 month betrayal as she was leaving to go live with him, so I never had the opportunity.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

IDK

When I confronted her it had been going on for years.

It started 7 years into the M and 13 years later and 20 OM we both had enough.

Slapping her around took its toll on her and spending time in county was getting old, the kids were getting older....it just all came out one morning when she came home and I had the proof she just got laid.

So when you think you busted your old for screwing around and then preceeds to hear 13 years of details its really hard to say "does it make a difference"

Odd thing is d day didn't end up with her on the ground.
I mean we went thru this crap 13 years ago and talk about rug sweep. After that it just got numb(the M).

So ya I wish 13 years ago when she banged her 1st OM we should have faced it, but phuck it I got mine the OM' got my seconds. 

In 24 years of M me and the old lady spent 13 years of them abusing each other.

The way I see it, it would have made a big phucking difference if we faced this a hell of a lot soon.

Maybe I'm just pissed cuz I took care of my sh1t sooner....did my 52 sessions of anger managemnet...stopped laying her out on the floor.... while she continued to phuck around.... 

IDK mayby it was better then it came out when it did. The kids are older and on there own (loaded with student debt) making a living. Me and the old lady are enjoying the empty nest.

@thatbpguy, I think it made a big difference that it all came out when we were older and maturer.......13 years ago I was a different guy...a very bad guy. But in the same breath I ask my self why did we rug sweep.

At the end of the day it was me and the old lady that gave a great example to our kids......in what not to be like...LOL 

I think the big guy up stairs had the pig picture ..... I think me and the old lady have a commitment, but I know if I ever put her on the ground again all deals are off..I believe if she ever screwes around again then all deals are off.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

If she came to me in the beginning with sorrow in her heart and remorse on her mind, I doubt I could have done anything, but forgive her, and work on our marriage.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Makes a difference to what exactly? Had she come to me told me what had happened right away I would have most likely done everything I could to make R successful and I would have probably made it easy for her. 

Finding out the way I did and taking the full brunt of the blame deflection game and realizing just how much she lied and hurt me it would have been much harder but I would have at least tried. 

Had it happened and years later I found out. No idea, I guess it really would have to depend on how are marriage had gone. Im not the same man I was 10 years ago, I wont be the same 10 years from now…with some luck I may even be a little wiser. 

Mine from the start of her affair to moving in with him was a month, it happened that fast. She never admitted to an affair. She has never admitted the affair to anyone. The OM told everyone in town all the details including visual aides to most of my friends. Everyone knows, yet she still thinks its some deep dark secret.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

You didn't pick my option of not wanting to know? Given the two scenarios of course I would want to be told assuming I couldn't pick DON'T WANT TO KNOW.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

I think her coming to me early and telling the truth, with remorse and repentance in her heart, would have been better than having her lie, hide, and trickle the truth over many very painful weeks.

It might not have made the betrayal any better, but it would have made dealing with it a lot easier. To this day I don't feel like I have the full truth, because the story changed so much in those early weeks.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

This doesn't really answer your question, but I was told abruptly because she was pregnant. If my H didn't tell me, her H was going to. I will forever wonder if he would have ever told me if he wasn't under that pressure.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If it's a one-time/ONS never repeated, I'd either not want to know, or be told - that scenario could be salvageable. If it was ongoing, it makes no difference how I find out - she'd be gone.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

thatbpguy said:


> If your betrayer came to you soon after, confessed most and made a fair effort to R, or you finding out on your own or much later?


As opposed to lying for years, getting caught, and continuing to lie while engaged in a fake R?

Sure, that makes a difference. In one, the cheater is genuinely remorseful and trying to rebuild trust. In the other, the cheater is just further destroying trust.

I maintain that it's not the cheating itself that's the biggest problem. It's the accompanying lying that destroys marriages. A betrayer who ends the affair, admits everything and stops lying would be treated far differently than a betrayer who gets caught, doesn't end the affair and keeps lying.

How could there not be a difference? That said, it only makes R less unlikely to succeed. There are still no guarantees.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

It's game over the moment she spreads her legs for another man. That is my deal breaker, confession or no confession. No difference at all.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> I maintain that it's not the cheating itself that's the biggest problem. It's the accompanying lying that destroys marriages


Dig deeper.

Why lie as opposed to "Hey Honey. I was thinking we should consider an open marriage. You know, one where I get to screw around with other men/women. What do you think?".

The lying is about maintaining asymetrical advantage. It's the same reason you don't send the enemy detailed troop movement plans when you are fighing a war. It's about gaining a perceived advantage over the other party. Usually, this kind of manipulative behavior doesn't exist in a vacuum, IME.

Does lying for years make a difference? It makes a difference in the sheer number of lies told and the number of years a faithful partner was deprived of critical information about the real nature of their largely one-sided relationship. They are kept in the dark so that they can't make informed choices about their own lives. That's the biggest difference, IMO. Time is precious. Sad to waste your life on somebody who can't properly reciprocate.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I'm one that believes that you cheat, your gone. I've always been a guy who would take the extra step backwards in order to solve a problem and avoid confrontation because you get no where and nothing gets solved while your screaming your lungs out, but when it comes to cheating, I still look at the scar I got a long time ago and it reminds me not to ask for another one.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

johnAdams said:


> I thing the biggest problem is the cheating itself.
> 
> All other problems, I could overcome easier. True, there is all the deceit and lies that goes along with the cheating. But, if a person stops short of cheating, they must have some type of constraint or conscious that keeps them from doing it.
> 
> I do agree admitting and getting caught makes a difference. Probably the difference between divorce and reconciliation.


You are a wise person.


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