# Terminally Ill Ex-Wife



## ShockwaveRider

My ex-wife was diagnosed with colon cancer in January, 2013. She called me and I chose to go out to see her (she had moved away). We'd been divorced over five years.

I offered to let her stay with me while she received cancer treatment. The medical facilities near my home are much better than those where she had moved. She suffered through two horrific surgeries and a failed attempt at chemotherapy. I cared for her the entire time, treated her wounds, cooked her meals, did everything in my power (to be best of my belief) to attempt to help her survive this. 

Now they're suggesting hospice. She's currently staying in assisted living (a nursing home).

I've been pretty much a complete and utter emotional wreck through all of this. I'd estimate I've spent 300 - 400 hours in various hospitals over the past 6 months. In addition to this, I (of course) still work full-time in a professional technical field. Some days I had to go for a walk around outside to cry. I just couldn't compose myself. While our marriage was difficult, I surely never wanted her to suffer, certainly not like this. There are no mere words that can adequately convey the true horror of colorectal cancer.

Now she wants to come "home" to die.

We had a big fight about this last night. I battled like heck to get her transferred out of a terrible rehabilitation hospital and into a nice one. She has a nice, sunny room. The meals are adequate. The nursing staff is (in general) attentive and competent. I just can't come to grips with having to care for her 24/7 in her last days. The enormity of the task overwhelms me. I've cleaned up an ocean of vomit and a mountain of stool. I've washed soiled bed linens and mopped soiled bathroom floors. I feel like I have been completely "used up" as a caregiver.

Where does my responsibility end? Do I have any right to self-preservation? I feel like a piece of human garbage for not wanting her to come back to my place again.

She's 58; I'm 53. We were married 15 years (no kids).

Shockwave


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## Eli-Zor

Some sad , true and harsh words

She is your ex wife, your divorced, your no longer accountable for her. All this is doing is wearing you down as well as harming you emotionally and physically. Get off the KISS syndrome and look after yourself. (Should have typed KISA)

You can show empathy, sympathy, pray for her if you so wish but your not there to catch her when she falls. She knew this when you divorced. 

Take care


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## ShockwaveRider

Eli-Zor said:


> Get off the KISS syndrome and look after yourself.


KISS Syndrome?

Kinematic Imbalances due to Sub-occipital Strain?

Keep It Simple Stupid?

(????)

Thanks for caring enough to respond.


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## tom67

Sorry man. Does she have any family around that can help. It is nice of you to be doing this I admire you for it but where is the immediate family, just sayin.


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## ShockwaveRider

tom67 said:


> where is the immediate family


She has two sisters, neither of whom seem to particularly care about her. They're more than happy to allow me to bear the burden while they go on with their lives.

Granted, it's my fault for have offering to let her stay with me. The deal was supposed to be that she could stay "until she got on her feet" and then move back home. I never volunteered for home hospice care.

I feel terrible about what's happening to her. That being said, I'm also intelligent enough to know there is absolutely nothing I can do to prevent the inevitable. It's like her final great act of revenge against me (for whatever perceived marital transgressions). I should probably mention that she's been clinically diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder / Borderline Personality Disorder.

She's a wonderful person.

But it's been 21 years (15 married, 5 divorced, and now) of pure living hell.


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## lenzi

ShockwaveRider said:


> Where does my responsibility end? Do I have any right to self-preservation? I feel like a piece of human garbage for not wanting her to come back to my place again.


When you filed for divorce, yes you do, and sorry you feel that way.

What's the point of divorce if you're still responsible for the person?


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## Eli-Zor

ShockwaveRider said:


> KISS Syndrome?
> 
> Kinematic Imbalances due to Sub-occipital Strain?
> 
> Keep It Simple Stupid?
> 
> (????)
> 
> Thanks for caring enough to respond.



Iphone typo on my side , should have said KISA 

KISA - Knight in shining armor


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## Eli-Zor

ShockwaveRider said:


> She has two sisters, neither of whom seem to particularly care about her. They're more than happy to allow me to bear the burden while they go on with their lives.
> 
> Granted, it's my fault for have offering to let her stay with me. The deal was supposed to be that she could stay "until she got on her feet" and then move back home. I never volunteered for home hospice care.
> 
> I feel terrible about what's happening to her. That being said, I'm also intelligent enough to know there is absolutely nothing I can do to prevent the inevitable. It's like her final great act of revenge against me (for whatever perceived marital transgressions). I should probably mention that she's been clinically diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder / Borderline Personality Disorder.
> 
> She's a wonderful person.
> 
> *But it's been 21 years (15 married, 5 divorced, and now) of pure living hell*.


The bolded words tell it all. Pack her bags and move her out. She is not your problem , she made choices she lives by them. 

Having a kind heart does not mean your accountable for other peoples problems particularly as in your case an ex.


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## golfergirl

Eli-Zor said:


> The bolded words tell it all. Pack her bags and move her out. She is not your problem , she made choices she lives by them.
> 
> Having a kind heart does not mean your accountable for other peoples problems particularly as in your case an ex.


Honest even if you were still married you are responsible to you first. She is where she needs to be. Your place isn't her home anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I'm so sorry for your ex wife's condition, but this is not your problem to deal with anymore. This definitely one of the most difficult issues having to deal with.

If you don't want to care for her, then tell her that you "both" chose to divorce. She needs to accept the fact that she's no longer married to you and live on the best she can through other support. 

You are one truly honorable man letting her stay and helping her through her treatments. My husbands the same way. I had a life changing health event that changed my life 5 years ago. My husband has stood by my side the entire time and always will.

Good luck getting this through to her. It does sound like you both still care very much for each other.


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## hambone

It's true that you have no legal obligation to do anything for your wife... At the same time, obviously you're conflicted about this or you wouldn't be on TAM asking for advice. 

Apparently, you still care for her or you wouldn't have done as much as you've done. 

Like you, I would be conflicted. 

Is there anyway you can get some help? If you are going to continue to work, you'll have to have someone to help while you're at work... And, you'll need help at night.. if it interrupts your sleep.


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## ShockwaveRider

Eli-Zor said:


> Iphone typo on my side , should have said KISA
> 
> KISA - Knight in shining armor


Ah....yes....I've been "accused" of KISA before.

I guess the fundamental issue I'm dealing with is do I accept or deny the wishes of a dying person. Her illness is indeed terminal, estimates have been anywhere from two months to five months remaining. With the failed chemotherapy it seems like two months is most realistic.

I wrestle with thoughts of "being selfish" and wanting to run away from all of this, only to leave her dying alone and unloved. I struggle to resolve whether I can bear the guilt of these feelings or whether they in themselves will destroy me. Or whether I will be destroyed by having to provide home hospice care. It's likely to get very, very ugly at the end.

Colon cancer is a vicious, brutal disease. Having your gut literally rot out of your body via tumor and infection. Anybody want to deal with this?

I was supposed to be on vacation next week; an opportunity to rejuvenate and refresh. Now it looks like nine days of impending doom and death.

I hate this.

I hate every moment of this.


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## CondorTX19

Shockwave, I admire you for helping your Ex-wife like you have. You must still have feeling for her. I am guessing that the feeling is more like a best friend. I lost my wife to High grade Glioma Brain Cancer 12 years ago. She died in our home with me caring for her. I know first-hand the work it takes to care for someone in this state of health. Home health was a God send, they were so helpful. I always thought the worst was going to be when she died. Turns out I was wrong. She had got down to only being able to breathe and barely talk. One of her last requests was for me to bathe her. Man I about killed my self-dragging her into the shower and getting her into the chair and bathing her, which she badly needed, and then back to bed. She didn’t want to be unclean when she went to the funeral home. She died the next morning at 6:45 am. I always wonder what labored breathing was like. I got to witness it first-hand during the last 24 hrs. of her life. She was sweating over her entire body from the exertion of trying to breathe. 
Her last breaths were rather peaceful, then silence in the entire house. I realized at that point the hard part was what we had gone thru the past 9 months esp. the last month or two. I was at peace with the effort that I had giving for her care and there was no more I could have done. Hospice even tried to get me to quit giving her meds a couple weeks before she died. I said no way was I going to influence the outcome of her passing. If she wanted it, I would give it to her even smashing it up and using an eye dropper to give it. 
I feel that it is an honor to be present when someone passes. It is my opinion that it is the closest to God and Heaven that we can get without going ourselves. I hope you offer to help her because otherwise it will be a cold and lonely death for her. The time will go fast, what is a month or two of your life worth to her and not so much yourself. You will go on with your life and feel right about her passing. Sorry this response is so long.


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## ShockwaveRider

CondorTX19 said:


> I hope you offer to help her because otherwise it will be a cold and lonely death for her. The time will go fast, what is a month or two of your life worth to her and not so much yourself. You will go on with your life and feel right about her passing.


Thank you for your insightful reply. While you were writing that, I discovered an article in the New York Times called "The Reluctant Caregiver". One response to the article read:

"I strongly disagree with (the author's) claim that there's satisfaction in knowing you haven't turned your back, and you can take pride in that. I'm looking back with resentment and regret at the two years I've already spent in the caregiver role, and I can't imagine that I'll look back in 5 or 10 years or whenever it's over and feel anything but greater resentment and greater regret. I'm never getting these years back, after all, and by the time it's over it may be too late even to get a reasonable level of health back.

I think it does caregivers a disservice to sugar-coat the reality, and claim that even for the reluctant caregiver, there's a benefit there at that end. I'd much prefer to hear the unvarnished truth - that many of us are simply unfortunate enough to be conscripted into a lengthy period of life-wasting, soul-sucking servitude for which there is no compensation and no benefit. I think if more people started telling the truth about this, it might make a dent in everyone's expectation that adult children (daughters and daughters-in-law, in particular) should and will just suck it up and do it."

Right now, I'm kind of stuck between the "you will go on with your life and feel right about her passing" and the "simply unfortunate enough to be conscripted into a lengthy period of life-wasting, soul-sucking servitude for which there is no compensation and no benefit".

While it's true that I still care about this woman, it is similarly true that it was she who chose to sit down with an attorney and conspire to (literally) strip me of my life savings and have me kicked out into the street, under the completely false allegation of "domestic violence". There is still a significant undercurrent of resentment. Not so much that I wish for her to suffer, surely not like this, but just enough to have the thoughts of "as you sow, so shall you reap".

I'm meeting with her and the social worker and the assisted care administrator tomorrow.

May god have mercy on my soul.


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## Shaggy

Wow, she really screwed you over didn't she.

I'd be firm and send her to a hospice as that is where she can be properly cared for.

You can visit her.

Btw, has she offered to return the money she connived or to exonerate you ?


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## ShockwaveRider

Shaggy said:


> Wow, she really screwed you over didn't she.
> 
> I'd be firm and send her to a hospice as that is where she can be properly cared for.
> 
> You can visit her.
> 
> Btw, has she offered to return the money she connived or to exonerate you ?


She had me served with papers requesting extended and additional alimony in December, 2012. I agreed to the extension (not the increase) before I even knew she was sick. I wasn't going to "pull the rug out from under her" in the depth of a Wisconsin winter.

The "domestic violence" charge? Yeah, sure. I offered to pound the living you-know-what out of her BOYFRIEND. I have no regrets about that. Don't know how it works in other parts of the world but in my neck of the woods, you mess around with another man's wife and you just might find your face beat in.

I'm 6'3" and 315 pounds. A gentle giant. Knowing that I can absolutely beat up most people on the planet give me absolutely nothing to prove. I never, ever laid a finger on my wife in anger. I don't abuse puppies or little children either.

Yep, "domestic violence".

That really chafes my crack.


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## CondorTX19

Shockwave. I get it she screwed you over in marriage and divorce both during, after and currently, do these change things? For most I would say yes. Who could blame you for not wanting to do more? I get it. My first wife and X wife was much like yours when I left her. I was young and was not able to be faithful so I divorced her. She withheld and turned my daughter against me, even to this day. Would I care for her today under you circumstances? I don’t know. I suppose if there were no one else to do it then I would take care of her. 
I would try to get her two sisters more involved. Who is her power of attorney? I would say you should be if you’re going to be the care giver. 
I guess it boils down to the question of how you are going to feel when it is all said and done when she has passed. Are you going to feel good about yourself? I would say that you have already done above and beyond the call of duty as a crapped on husband. As a friend however I think you could do more. Either way it is a decision that only you can make and by asking I think you already know the answer deep inside and looking for support for that decision. Good Luck however you choose to go ahead, you are a good person either way.


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## ShockwaveRider

CondorTX19 said:


> I think you already know the answer deep inside and looking for support for that decision.


No, I really haven't made any kind of decision and I most definitely don't know the answer. Probably why I've been up since 3:00AM thinking about it.

I've told you about her, now let me tell you about me.

I'm probably (a) very emotionally needy and dependent on her, (b) while I might be smart in technical matters I'm actually rather gullible and can easily be taken advantage of, and (c) having never had a father, sometimes think of myself as being unable to "grow a pair" and "man-up" and "stand up for myself". My friends are largely drunkards, who think I'm a moron for helping her at all. They are really of no value to speak to about such matters. I don't care to share this stuff with my co-workers, so I choose the anonimity of the internet.

My ex-wife is / was very attractive and highly intelligent, a "trophy wife" by virtually any measure. I surely enjoyed her body and I enjoyed taking her to company events. She dressed very nicely and she was quite shapely and I was the envy of all my friends. Heck, I'm nothing special. I'm "large" and "fairly decent looking", never really had any problem with getting a date, if you know what I mean. My ex-wife said she liked me because I made her feel "safe" and "protected". Which makes the "domestic violence" allegation all the more preposterous.

So I feel like I should still be the protector, I guess.

I just can't save her from the horrible ravages of colorectal cancer.

The poor girl is just such a mess.


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## CondorTX19

ShockwaveRider said:


> So I feel like I should still be the protector, I guess.
> 
> I just can't save her from the horrible ravages of colorectal cancer.
> 
> The poor girl is just such a mess.


 Sorry, I should not have been presumptuous about you already knowing the answer.
Your quote says it all. It is the loss of control feeling we get as the male “protector” that prevents harm from our loved ones esp. our wife. My late wife was very beautiful as well. I am much like you describe yourself, 6’2’ 245 and in good shape I could protect her from everything except dying from cancer. My God! I am a Doctor as well; and I help people every day feel better. Most everyone I treat gets better but I could not stop the feeling of helplessness, despair and failure for not being able to help her esp. during the time of her struggle. Now looking back I realize I was able to help her but in a way of caring for her needs while she was sick and the realization that no matter what, nothing was going to stop this horrible event booming down on her and me as well. . Friends!!! What friends? None could be found when things were bad and as she got disfigured from the surgeries and medications and was hard to look at in comparison to the beautiful girl she once was. It is hard to see reality starring you in the face because it makes one think of them as being in the same situation, thus out of site is out of mind. Never realizing the good they could do by just saying hello


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## ShockwaveRider

It's the images. The images I just can't get out of my mind.

The first time she showed me the scar, all the way from her ribcage down to the pubic line.

The look on her face when they told her "it's cancer, Stage IV".

The look on her face when they told her "you have three months to live".

The sight of her sitting on the toilet, covered in discharge from the leaking ileostomy bag.

The horrible faces she makes while vomiting. Nothing comes out but mucous.

I've vomited. I'm sure all of you have vomited.

Nobody vomits like a colorectal cancer patient.

I'm told "it's the body attempting to eject the toxins".

HTF am I ever going to sleep without narcotics again?


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## SadSamIAm

ShockwaveRider said:


> It's the images. The images I just can't get out of my mind.
> 
> The first time she showed me the scar, all the way from her ribcage down to the pubic line.
> 
> The look on her face when they told her "it's cancer, Stage IV".
> 
> The look on her face when they told her "you have three months to live".
> 
> The sight of her sitting on the toilet, covered in discharge from the leaking ileostomy bag.
> 
> The horrible faces she makes while vomiting. Nothing comes out but mucous.
> 
> I've vomited. I'm sure all of you have vomited.
> 
> Nobody vomits like a colorectal cancer patient.
> 
> I'm told "it's the body attempting to eject the toxins".
> 
> HTF am I ever going to sleep without narcotics again?


You need to be honest with yourself and her.

You have done much more than most would have. You have been the Night in Shining Armor. You should be proud of all you have done for her.

There comes a time, that you can't do anymore. Tell the social worker that you can't do anymore. Tell her that you care about her and you will continue to visit her, but you can't have her come home.

Be honest. Be proud. You have done all you need to do.


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## Toshiba2020

The fact that you offered for your ex wife to stay at your place during her cancer treatment is amazing alone. I think you have gone above and beyond what anyone would ever expect you to do. I think its perfectly acceptable that you are not willing to provide 24/7 care. Visit her frequently in the nursing home and show her you care (especially important if you have children, this will mean alot to them) but dont put your life on hold.


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## CondorTX19

ShockwaveRider said:


> It's the images. The images I just can't get out of my mind.
> 
> The first time she showed me the scar, all the way from her ribcage down to the pubic line.
> 
> The look on her face when they told her "it's cancer, Stage IV".
> 
> The look on her face when they told her "you have three months to live".
> 
> The sight of her sitting on the toilet, covered in discharge from the leaking ileostomy bag.
> 
> The horrible faces she makes while vomiting. Nothing comes out but mucous.
> 
> I've vomited. I'm sure all of you have vomited.
> 
> Nobody vomits like a colorectal cancer patient.
> 
> I'm told "it's the body attempting to eject the toxins".
> 
> HTF am I ever going to sleep without narcotics again?


Time: Time heals all wounds. I didn't think it would but it did. 
It took me over two years to even start to have half way normal thoughts and feeling after my wife died. 
there comes a place where you realize life is going on with or without you so you have to choose. Kill the misery with drugs and alcohol or choose life. Living is better, trust me I tried the other and it only gave me more problems and is not what I consider as living.


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## ShockwaveRider

I'm not a religious man, but please take it from the heart when I say "may god bless each and every one of you that responded to my post".

I had a good discussion with her last night. She currently has ANOTHER infection and receiving medication for it. What if she were at my house? What do I do? Make a doctor appointment for next week? Take her to the ER? Go to work and not worry about it?

The disease has simply progressed to the point where she needs care 24/7. She's been in denial (which I'm told is OK; an acceptable coping mechanism) but it's pretty obvious what's happening here. She has pain from the tumor. She has pain in her back.

I'm praying to god (although, once again, I'm not a religious man) that the end comes quickly for her.

When she's at home, I'm "broken-hearted, beyond belief" and "stressed, to the point of insanity".

Now I can just go back to being "broken-hearted, beyond belief".


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## motherofone

As a caregiver for a terminally Ill child it is a burden no one should bear alone. I can tell you the toll it has taken on my body alone (physical exhaustion, sleep deprivation,etc) will take years to recover. I would not trade this time with her for the world and would not dedicate so much of myself to an ex. 

In your case, you should be at peace that you have done far more than necessary, and for your own health cannot carry a 24/7 caregiver burden. It doesn't mean you don't care. It means you know your limits.


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## CondorTX19

To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:


2 A time to be born,
And a time to die;
A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
3 A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
4 A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain from embracing;
6 A time to gain,
And a time to lose;
A time to keep,
And a time to throw away;
7 A time to tear,
And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
And a time to speak;
8 A time to love,
And a time to hate;
A time of war,
And a time of peace.

Jesus also said in Mathew Ch. 11 verse 28 Come to me all you who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yolk upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart and you will find rest for your souls for my yolk is easy and my burden is light.

I found a lot of comfort in the scriptures when I was going through the loss of my wife. I don't want to come off as preaching to you but it is just a suggestion. The other thing that was hard was when people would say "I know what your going through, I lost my Dad or Mom or sister or dog etc."

Nobody Knew what I was going thru. This was me and my wife that I am loosing IT IS NOT THE SAME THING!! The best thing I can say to you is I am sorry that you are having to go thru this and I am sorry for your on going loss of you ex-wife, your time and your emotions. May God be with you.


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## Anon Pink

You can never get those images out of your mind, nor the scent out of your nose, nor the raw emotions they trigger. To this day there are certain scents and facial expressions that cause a deep visceral response and I literally shake my head to clear the images they trigger.

Being a reluctant care giver is not without pay offs though. The honor of knowing you've done the right thing, even though it hurt to do it is something that very few people can relate to. In your case, your ex wife doesn't have long to live, so the end is in sight for you. You also have hospice care and while that doesn't cover everything, they are a tremendous, extraordinary group of caring professionals and committed volunteers!

When it's all said and done, you can know that you can be counted upon as a stand up guy. The kind of guy this country isn't supposed to be producing anymore... And yet here you are....Dont want to do it, kinda angry that you've been put in this situation, but it's the right thing to do so you give it your best.

Obviously, it boils down to do this: Which decision can you live with easiest? Which decision to you have to work to rationalize the hardest? I think this is why you are here. You need to find a way to rationalize not caring for her. It's only a few more weeks...I think you should care for her till the end.


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## CondorTX19

Shockwave, Just a short note to let you know I am thinking about you and you X wife. I hope you are holding up with your situation and want to wish you Well. Hang in there.


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## MrsDraper

I believe that you have emotionally invested a lot of time and care into this woman's life for many, many years.
In the past years you have taken it upon yourself to take care of her.


She is your friend.

You will beat yourself up for the rest of your life if you do not help take care of her and help her meet her last wishes. 

If she changes her mind and wishes to stay in the assisted living home, so be it.

But she wants to come home with you.

I would see if she can come home with you with extensive help.

You asked her to come home to you instead of staying where she had moved. You owe her some help at that point, my friend. Her end is coming very, very soon from what you describe. It won't take long. Make her comfortable and continue to support her. I'm sorry you are losing your loved one like this. When I say loved one - I mean that. Obviously she is still someone important to you, even though you are no longer husband and wife. She is your friend and you have invested time and energy into your relationship. You can't let that go now in the final hour of someones death.


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## ShockwaveRider

We moved her to hospice on Tuesday.

It's no longer a matter of whether I *want* to care for her in my home or not. It never really was. The problem is that the disease has progressed to the point where she really needs 24 hour professional nursing care. Since we are no longer married, I don't qualify for FMLA. Even if I did qualify for FMLA, we couldn't afford it, unless we're OK with living in a cardboard box.

One has to consider that if she were to come back to my home, and I still have to work, she would be left alone at least 8-10 hours per day. At any time she might develop some serious problem. The pain medication could make her dizzy and she could fall. I've been convinced (both by healthcare professionals and her family) that it would be "extremely negligent" to bring her back to my place. I guess I have come to terms with it.

I think the really bad parts are still to come. She's having more and more pain in her abdomen and her back. She really can't eat much of anything anymore. It won't be long now.

In many ways, I've been crying for this woman for over 20 years. First with the mental health issues, none of which had anything to do with me and there was nothing I could do to help. Then I cried over the gall bladder surgery and the hysterectomy. I cried over being an outcast in my own home, abandoned emotionally, financially and sexually. Living in the basement like a dog. I've been crying for her for over 20 years.

I don't think I have any tears left.

Shockwave


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## CantePe

I work in palliative care - end of life care. All the emotions, thoughts and feelings you are going through, have gone through and will go through are completely normal.

You are an inspiration for all you have done and you've done all you could and can do at this point. You have no reason to feel one bit of guilt at all.


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## MrsDraper

ShockwaveRider said:


> We moved her to hospice on Tuesday.
> 
> It's no longer a matter of whether I *want* to care for her in my home or not. It never really was. The problem is that the disease has progressed to the point where she really needs 24 hour professional nursing care. Since we are no longer married, I don't qualify for FMLA. Even if I did qualify for FMLA, we couldn't afford it, unless we're OK with living in a cardboard box.
> 
> One has to consider that if she were to come back to my home, and I still have to work, she would be left alone at least 8-10 hours per day. At any time she might develop some serious problem. The pain medication could make her dizzy and she could fall. I've been convinced (both by healthcare professionals and her family) that it would be "extremely negligent" to bring her back to my place. I guess I have come to terms with it.
> 
> I think the really bad parts are still to come. She's having more and more pain in her abdomen and her back. She really can't eat much of anything anymore. It won't be long now.
> 
> In many ways, I've been crying for this woman for over 20 years. First with the mental health issues, none of which had anything to do with me and there was nothing I could do to help. Then I cried over the gall bladder surgery and the hysterectomy. I cried over being an outcast in my own home, abandoned emotionally, financially and sexually. Living in the basement like a dog. I've been crying for her for over 20 years.
> 
> I don't think I have any tears left.
> 
> Shockwave


Then I think that is what you both need to focus on. You cannot provide the care she needs. You must work. She needs 24/7 care and you cannot leave her for 8-10 hours a day because she needs help - you couldn't leave her to get sicker during the day, 5 days a week. That would be disastrous. Especially since you cannot secure in home care. She needs to be at the long term care facility right now. 

Others might not agree with me - but it sounds to me like you are her support system right now. I don't think you should put her there and then cut because it is too hard to see her decline right now. I think you should still be a support system for her as she enters this time.


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## Wiltshireman

OP,

I am sorry to read about your ex wife’s condition and the strain (both physical and emotional) that it is having on you.

Thankfully your ex is now in a hospice and IMHO that is the best / kindest place for her to be. They are more able to provide her with the constant care she needs and to give her the dignity she deserves.

Try not to be too hard on yourself, give yourself time and space to grieve (both before and after her inevitable passing) the fact that you are divorced does not change the fact that this woman has been a part of your life for over 20 years.

N.B. I don't mind admitting that I would not have had the strength you have shown in dealing with this situation. Do not take this the wrong way but you seem to be a truly "Nice Guy".

My prayers are with you both.


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## ShockwaveRider

jeepgirl29 said:


> Others might not agree with me - but it sounds to me like you are her support system right now. I don't think you should put her there and then cut because it is too hard to see her decline right now. I think you should still be a support system for her as she enters this time.


I'll try.

Right now, all I'm getting from her is anger.

She's dying. She's angry. I get it. Really, I do. None the less, her anger is (once again) misdirected at me. There is absolutely nothing I can do to prevent the inevitable and there is nothing I could have done to prevent this from happening in the first place. She had a complete physical in late 2012 and there was nothing obviously wrong. That's the dirty thing about colon cancer. You can go for years with no real obvious symptoms and then one day *bam* you have Stage IV colon cancer.

If you know anything about carcino-embryonic antigen (CEA) you know that's it's pretty much the only tool the doctor has in his toolbox to determine (via blood test) if you have cancer. Her CEA wasn't elevated even at Stage IV. The only way to detect her cancer was via colonoscopy, and she never had one (neither have I, for that matter).

In some ways, if the cancer had been detected earlier, it might have simpy resulted in additional years of suffering through chemo and only added a couple of months to her life.

This is the most horrid thing you can possibly imagine. Go home and hug your spouse and your kids tonight. Some day you (or they) might discover you / they have cancer and only have six months to live.

I'm pretty much "used up" as a caregiver right now.

Or, at least, I think I need a break.

Shockwave


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## CondorTX19

Shockwave, I am sorry for you on going loss. I am glad things with you X-wife's care has worked out for you, In my earlier comments I didn't realize she was at the end stage. You are doing right by her and yourself. I am sorry she is once again turning her anger towards you. Don't take it personal. I hear the despair in your words that you post here. Hang in there. As a husband that has lost his wife to cancer, I can tell you that things will eventually get better and you will move on with your life. It took over two years for me to feel like I had normal thoughts again. 

You deserve to feel well in your health both mentally and physically, as well as having happiness in you life again. I have remarried and things are good in my life again thou I will never forget my late wife.


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## ShockwaveRider

I'm taking her to her doctor appointment today, and then I'll probably take her over to the house so she can look through some of the things I brought home for her from her apartment. I'd take her out to eat too, but the last time she barfed up everything she ate shortly after she ate it. Then I'll probably take her back to assisted living and then go home and do her laundry.

I think I've come to grips with this, pretty much as best I can.

Despair? I've got plenty of that.

Goes well along with my 20+ years of accumulated heartache.

Shockwave


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## arbitrator

Shock: My heart goes out to you. May our Heavenly Father truly send blessings your way!

Does she have any family members(siblings/cousins, et. al.) to speak of, living in the area?


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## CondorTX19

Oh taking her out to eat reminds me of taking my wife out to eat when she was sick and on chemo etc., She got sick after eating and was in the restaurant bathroom barffing up her guts. She was in there for a while. During that time a lady came in and instead of being kind and inquiring if she need something she proclaimed hurry up and finish you anorexic bit*$! This really hurt her feeling on top of her already sick and stressed life. When my wife told me what had happened I wanted to explode. She pointed out the lady and as we left I went over to her table where she sat with six or more people. I apologized to her for her inconvenience. I explained that my wife had cancer and the chemo made her sick. I could tell she had already told everyone at her table about her inconvenience and the looks on there face looking at the real bit&% I was apologizing to was priceless. I just walked off totally satisfied. I am sure she learned a lesson but probably not a lasting one.


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## ShockwaveRider

arbitrator said:


> Shock: My heart goes out to you. May our Heavenly Father truly send blessings your way!
> 
> Does she have any family members(siblings/cousins, et. al.) to speak of, living in the area?


Send all blessing and prayers to my ex-wife please. She needs them way more than I do.

Family members? Yes, she has one sister and one cousin nearby. Both have been "reasonably supportive". Plus she has a TON of friends and aquaintances. She doesn't want to visit with her friends too much though. Probably somewhat "embarassed" (?) to have them see her in this condition.

Me? She's apparently "completely comfortable" with me seeing her naked (dressing her wounds, batheing her, helping her dress). I always tell her I took care of my Ma after her surgery when I was only a boy. You'd have to be one sick SOB to "sneak a peek" at somebody lying in a hospital bed. Besides, I seen it all before under FAR more enjoyable circumstances.

Some days, I feel like the only thing I've done all day of any value was helping her wash her hair.

Some days I wonder who's going to wash my hair when I'm dying.

I'll just have to make sure I die out in the field (deer hunting).

That was always "kind of the plan" anyway.

Shockwave


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## PieceOfSky

You are a good person. Strong, intelligent, honest in your thinking, and compassionate. You will get through this.


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## mablenc

I'm sorry about your situation. Don't forget your only human, you have done more than enough plus some. I suggest you look after yourself are you eating? Sleeping? And socializing with others? Take care of yourself I'm sure she will do as good as she can and she must be grateful that you are so compassionate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BFGuru

I was heavily involved in my father in law's HOSPICE situation. (Can I still call him that if we are do ironing soon?) it was grueling. The smells and sounds will never leave you. I work in a hospital and can detach much easier from the dying of my patients than I did/do his passing. 

We were (in my mind) happily married then. I told him this wish to die at home was selfish, and that I respect it out of my love for his father, but if it ever came down to that, spare himself and the children. Put me in a HOSPICE home. Let the professionals deal with dosing me with the would be fatal dose of morphine. Someplace the family can get away from when the emotions got too high or stay if they choose. I will never forget the smells. They are worse than the visuals and I smell pretty bad things at work daily. However, add the emotional attachment and it is overwhelming.

You do not need to give in to this request. Really, if anyone should be there, it should be her sisters. They are going to regret this, and the best thing you could do for you and for them is to step back and remind them that their time with her is short. Beyond that, step away. Preserve yourself. You do not have to do this.


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## ShockwaveRider

mablenc said:


> I'm sorry about your situation. Don't forget your only human, you have done more than enough plus some. I suggest you look after yourself are you eating? Sleeping? And socializing with others? Take care of yourself I'm sure she will do as good as she can and she must be grateful that you are so compassionate.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Eating? Yes, but I honestly have very little appetite.

Sleeping? No, I haven't slept properly in weeks.

Socializing? No, I'm a complete and utter emotional wreck who just might break down in tears at any given moment.

I just keep having these visions of her struggling. Struggling to walk just a few steps while I hold her hand and have my arm around her in case she falls. A few shuffling steps is all she can take before the pain in her abdomen gets too severe.

Please God just take her in her sleep and put an end to this.

Shockwave


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## LetDownNTX

I dont normally come to this section of the forums but I couldnt stop reading your posts. What a horrible position to be in. I couldnt leave without saying that I admire you for your strength and compassion towards your ex-wife, you will be happy you put yourself through this misery when the end has come. God bless you!


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## ShockwaveRider

LetDownNTX said:


> I dont normally come to this section of the forums but I couldnt stop reading your posts. What a horrible position to be in. I couldnt leave without saying that I admire you for your strength and compassion towards your ex-wife, you will be happy you put yourself through this misery when the end has come. God bless you!


Thank you for your kind words.

Trust me, before January, 2013, I never posted anything on a "cancer website" or a "loss and mourning website" or a "grief recovery website". I didn't really know what "metastasis" meant or even how to pronounce the word. Cancer was "something that other people got" that smoked too many cigarettes or were exposed to toxic industrial chemicals. Now it's hit way too close to home.

My ex-wife is drifting away now; I can tell. She's having a tremendous amount of pain in her abdomen and her back. She can't eat, she can't walk. It's the most heartbreaking thing you could ever imagine.

Yes, she did some rotten things to me. But it takes two people to make a marriage work and quite frankly I gave up. The failure of the marriage is as much my fault as it was hers. And now it's come to this.

People that worry about "skidmarks in their spouses underwear"? Maybe think about "changing their adult diaper" when they can't control their bowels any more. You think it can't happen to you or your loved one? Think again.

If anything I hope my story makes everyone appreciate the gifts of health and life, and forget about the little things like skidmarks in their spouses underwear.

We all got it comin'.

Some day, we all got it comin'.

Shockwave


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## LetDownNTX

ShockwaveRider said:


> Thank you for your kind words.
> 
> Trust me, before January, 2013, I never posted anything on a "cancer website" or a "loss and mourning website" or a "grief recovery website". I didn't really know what "metastasis" meant or even how to pronounce the word. Cancer was "something that other people got" that smoked too many cigarettes or were exposed to toxic industrial chemicals. Now it's hit way too close to home.
> 
> My ex-wife is drifting away now; I can tell. She's having a tremendous amount of pain in her abdomen and her back. She can't eat, she can't walk. It's the most heartbreaking thing you could ever imagine.
> 
> Yes, she did some rotten things to me. But it takes two people to make a marriage work and quite frankly I gave up. The failure of the marriage is as much my fault as it was hers. And now it's come to this.
> 
> People that worry about "skidmarks in their spouses underwear"? Maybe think about "changing their adult diaper" when they can't control their bowels any more. You think it can't happen to you or your loved one? Think again.
> 
> If anything I hope my story makes everyone appreciate the gifts of health and life, and forget about the little things like skidmarks in their spouses underwear.
> 
> We all got it comin'.
> 
> Some day, we all got it comin'.
> 
> Shockwave



In October of 2011 my MIL was diagnosed with Stage IV small cell lung cancer. She was in FL and the Dr's told her that she had 2 weeks to live w/o chemo and maybe 2 mos w/ chemo. They were going to release her and said that she wasnt strong enough to get back and forth to the Dr for the chemo, so in other words they were giving up on her. 

My H went from TX to FL to see her and he and his brother arranged to take her back to KY (her hometown). Once she was there we took her to the Univ of KY Markey center. We traveled (as a family) to KY in November so the kids and I could see her. She fell ill while we were there and spent 4 days in the hospital. I was the one that stayed with her and cared for her. She was in so much pain, it was horrible. The cancer had gotten into everything except her brain. We had to return home at the end of the week and leave her there. It was the worst feeling ever. We basically just waited for a call. 

She did very well on the chemo and lasted until March, when all of a sudden her stupid older son caused her alot of grief and she "gave up". She spent two weeks in the hospital, slowly going downhill and I could get my H to go to KY. He didnt want to see her like that but I knew he needed to. I literally drug him to KY to see her. He hated me the whole way. It was a horrible trip. When we finally got to the hospital I told my H that he could hate me all he wanted but I hoped one day he thanked me because from everything her sister and Dr's were saying she was "waiting" on something and I knew it had to be him. 

We got to the hospital and made our way to her room. It took my breath away to see her....she was barely breathing, her mouth was already drawn open and her eyes were closed. She was so near death that I could hardly stand to see her like that. I told her we were there and that I loved her and thanked her for always treating me like a daughter. Then after about 3 minutes I told my H that I was leaving the room and give him time to talk to his mom and reminded him that she might not respond but she could hear him and to talk to her. I wasnt in the hall for more then 3-4 minutes when he walked out the door and said that she had taken her last breath and he asked me to come check. He held her hand and told her that he loved her and that his dad was waiting for her in Heaven and that she shouldnt keep him waiting because we were all going to be fine, even though we would miss her terribly. She took one last breath and was gone.

I guess in a sense that is why I couldnt stop reading your story...cancer is a horrible thing and it is heartbreaking what it does to a person who has it. Its also the reason that I said all your misery will be worth it in the end. You will look back and cherish the times you had, even if they were hard for you.

My husband never thanked me or said anything about me "dragging" him there he only said "I never believed that a person waits for an "ok" from someone they love, to let go but Im a believer now."

Be strong and pray for her to go in peace!


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## ShockwaveRider

LetDownNTX said:


> in a sense that is why I couldnt stop reading your story...cancer is a horrible thing and it is heartbreaking what it does to a person who has it. Its also the reason that I said all your misery will be worth it in the end. You will look back and cherish the times you had, even if they were hard for you.


My greatest accomplishment for the 4th of July weekend was "helping her wash her hair". At least provide some small measure of comfort.

I'm off to the hospice now. Maybe I'll take some small snacks to see if she can eat them.

I'd like very much for this horror to be over, but there's only one way that's gonna happen.......

Shockwave


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## MrsDraper

ShockwaveRider said:


> My greatest accomplishment for the 4th of July weekend was "helping her wash her hair". At least provide some small measure of comfort.
> 
> I'm off to the hospice now. Maybe I'll take some small snacks to see if she can eat them.
> 
> I'd like very much for this horror to be over, but there's only one way that's gonna happen.......
> 
> Shockwave


Hey, was thinking about your situation today. 

Do you think that you can make some good memories with her? Maybe take a movie over or some books? Something that does NOT require a lot of energy but that you two might enjoy together?
You need some sort of release and at the same time, I know you want to help her. You need something pleasant. I mean - it might sound dumb - but maybe even a board game you know she would like, a video game, maybe look at pictures? Your spending time with her - make it enjoyable.


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## ShockwaveRider

MrsDraper said:


> Hey, was thinking about your situation today.
> 
> Do you think that you can make some good memories with her? Maybe take a movie over or some books? Something that does NOT require a lot of energy but that you two might enjoy together?
> You need some sort of release and at the same time, I know you want to help her. You need something pleasant. I mean - it might sound dumb - but maybe even a board game you know she would like, a video game, maybe look at pictures? Your spending time with her - make it enjoyable.


Sadly, she is no longer interested in board games or card games.

She has a friend that brings her books that she enjoys.

There is no DVD player or VHS player in her room. We do watch baseball games together.

I'd like to take her outside but it's been too damn hot. She cannot tolerate the heat in her weakened condition.

Now she cannot eat. I fear the end is near.

We just talk now. I try to keep the conversation light.

There really isn't a whole lot left to say.

Shockwave


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## pinktrees11

From your posts I sense you are very good, caring and sensitive person. While I do agree you are not responsible for taking care of her, I think you will struggle with feelings of guilt for not doing so after she's gone.
Perhaps there is someone that could help you? I mean despite everything she has put you through, she is dying and I think knowing you will take care of her till the end will making it easier for her. 
This is a really bad situation, I hope you remain strong.


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## pinktrees11

Oh, I see she is already in a hospice.


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## Unique Username

Shockwave...you are an incredible person.
The world is a better place for having you in it.


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## anonim

LetDownNTX said:


> In October of 2011 my MIL was diagnosed with Stage IV small cell lung cancer. She was in FL and the Dr's told her that she had 2 weeks to live w/o chemo and maybe 2 mos w/ chemo. They were going to release her and said that she wasnt strong enough to get back and forth to the Dr for the chemo, so in other words they were giving up on her.
> 
> My H went from TX to FL to see her and he and his brother arranged to take her back to KY (her hometown). Once she was there we took her to the Univ of KY Markey center. We traveled (as a family) to KY in November so the kids and I could see her. She fell ill while we were there and spent 4 days in the hospital. I was the one that stayed with her and cared for her. She was in so much pain, it was horrible. The cancer had gotten into everything except her brain. We had to return home at the end of the week and leave her there. It was the worst feeling ever. We basically just waited for a call.
> 
> She did very well on the chemo and lasted until March, when all of a sudden her stupid older son caused her alot of grief and she "gave up". She spent two weeks in the hospital, slowly going downhill and I could get my H to go to KY. He didnt want to see her like that but I knew he needed to. I literally drug him to KY to see her. He hated me the whole way. It was a horrible trip. When we finally got to the hospital I told my H that he could hate me all he wanted but I hoped one day he thanked me because from everything her sister and Dr's were saying she was "waiting" on something and I knew it had to be him.
> 
> We got to the hospital and made our way to her room. It took my breath away to see her....she was barely breathing, her mouth was already drawn open and her eyes were closed. She was so near death that I could hardly stand to see her like that. I told her we were there and that I loved her and thanked her for always treating me like a daughter. Then after about 3 minutes I told my H that I was leaving the room and give him time to talk to his mom and reminded him that she might not respond but she could hear him and to talk to her. I wasnt in the hall for more then 3-4 minutes when he walked out the door and said that she had taken her last breath and he asked me to come check. He held her hand and told her that he loved her and that his dad was waiting for her in Heaven and that she shouldnt keep him waiting because we were all going to be fine, even though we would miss her terribly. She took one last breath and was gone.
> 
> I guess in a sense that is why I couldnt stop reading your story...cancer is a horrible thing and it is heartbreaking what it does to a person who has it. Its also the reason that I said all your misery will be worth it in the end. You will look back and cherish the times you had, even if they were hard for you.
> 
> My husband never thanked me or said anything about me "dragging" him there he only said "I never believed that a person waits for an "ok" from someone they love, to let go but Im a believer now."
> 
> Be strong and pray for her to go in peace!


My condolences about your MiL.

I read stories like this frequently, and it always astounds me how cancer is often never discovered until its stage IV and they only have a few weeks/months to live. How does it go undetected for so long?

I'm sorry your H was not very appreciative of you also during this time.


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## that_girl

Eli-Zor said:


> Some sad , true and harsh words
> 
> She is your ex wife, your divorced, your no longer accountable for her. All this is doing is wearing you down as well as harming you emotionally and physically. Get off the KISS syndrome and look after yourself. (Should have typed KISA)
> 
> You can show empathy, sympathy, pray for her if you so wish but your not there to catch her when she falls. She knew this when you divorced.
> 
> Take care


Wow. 

I wouldn't have written this at all. If in the event my ex husband or ex (older daughter's father) becomes this ill and asks me to come "home" to die, I would...because that's family. 

I think it's up to the OP to figure out what he can handle without guilt or sadness.


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## lenzi

If I found out my exwife was dying I'd offer to write her epitaph. 

I'd even recite it at her funeral even though it might piss off a few of her friends and relatives but hey, that's what exspouses are for.


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## ShockwaveRider

anonim said:


> I read stories like this frequently, and it always astounds me how cancer is often never discovered until its stage IV and they only have a few weeks/months to live. How does it go undetected for so long?


Colon cancer (in particular) occurs within the colon. Unless you have a colonoscopy, you might not ever know you had colon cancer until it's way too late. You can use the "blood in the stool" test to detect colon cancer too.

The symptoms of colon cancer can easily be misdiagnosed as any of a number of gastrointestinal disorders. In addition, one major stigma attached to colon cancer is the premise that's it's preventable. When do you start going for an annual colonoscopy? When you're 15? People in their 20s, 30s and 40s get colon cancer. Trust me, I've seen them at the cancer treatment center.

My ex-wife has come to the realization that she really needs 24 hour professional medical care. She's had a number of infections since she's been in assisted living / hospice care. I would have taken her to the hospital at least five or six times in the past month (like yesterday).

I visit with her nearly every day, I do her laundry and tend her wounds. I'm taking care of her finances and taking care of her possessions. I've pretty much come to grips with this I guess.

I sincerely hope no one reading this ever has to deal with it, believe me, it sucks.

Cancer sucks big time. Go for your colonoscopy.

Shockwave


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## LetDownNTX

anonim said:


> My condolences about your MiL.
> 
> I read stories like this frequently, and it always astounds me how cancer is often never discovered until its stage IV and they only have a few weeks/months to live. How does it go undetected for so long?
> 
> I'm sorry your H was not very appreciative of you also during this time.


Thank you Anonim! 

I have thought the same thing about how you find out you have cancer and its almost too late. I think alot of it is psychological, not saying that the cancer isnt eating away at your body but it seems those that can stay focused on getting/feeling better have a better outcome. My MIL was doing really good (although she had it everywhere in her body except the brain), she was able to enjoy her family, get her nails done and go out to eat occasionally with her family. It wasnt until the fall out with my H's older brother that she "gave up", it was a matter of weeks that she was gone after that incident!

My MIL's cancer was being treated as "kidney stones" for the two weeks prior and when the meds didnt help they gave her tests which detected the cancer in her lungs, further testing showed it was everywhere!

My husband will appreciate me some day...maybe when Im dead and gone!?


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## ShockwaveRider

Unique Username said:


> Shockwave...you are an incredible person.
> The world is a better place for having you in it.


I just noticed this.

Quite possibly the nicest thing anybody has ever said to me. 

Thank you.

Lots of people have said nice things to me since the beginning of this ordeal. The divorce between Mr. & Mrs. Shockwave was fairly unpleasant. Not so much for acts committed or things that were said, but just for the complete and utter failure of it all. There was no real reason for her to leave. It's just her way; she gets bored and moves on. Did the same damn thing to her first husband.

Me? I have no capacity to "carry a hateful, spiteful grudge" against her. To me, it's just a complete waste of time and energy. I couldn't maintain a good hatred toward her if I tried. Many people have told me that's a failing on my part.

No one who has a shred of humanity could take any joy in a person dying of colon cancer. It's probably worse than crucifixion. At least that's over fairly rapidly. And then there's the whole "rising from the dead thing" and all.

I sincerely wish she would just go quietly in her sleep.

I sincerely wish we all go quietly in our sleep.

Shockwave


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## LonelyinLove

Shockwave, 

I'm new to this forum, and I'm reading this in a hotel room (I'm on business travel) with tears running down my face.

You are truly an honorable man. 

I know you said you aren't particularly religious, but I want you to know you and your ex are in my prayers. 

God bless sweet man....


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## bandit.45

I admire you brother. To be able to look past all the hell she put you through with her selfishness and narcissism takes a strength I wish I had. She truly does not deserve to be treated well by you. 

You are demonstrating to everyone and your ex-wife what grace is.


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## Unique Username

ShockwaveRider said:


> I just noticed this.
> 
> Quite possibly the nicest thing anybody has ever said to me.
> 
> Thank you.
> 
> Lots of people have said nice things to me since the beginning of this ordeal. The divorce between Mr. & Mrs. Shockwave was fairly unpleasant. Not so much for acts committed or things that were said, but just for the complete and utter failure of it all. There was no real reason for her to leave. It's just her way; she gets bored and moves on. Did the same damn thing to her first husband.
> 
> Me? I have no capacity to "carry a hateful, spiteful grudge" against her. To me, it's just a complete waste of time and energy. I couldn't maintain a good hatred toward her if I tried. Many people have told me that's a failing on my part.
> 
> No one who has a shred of humanity could take any joy in a person dying of colon cancer. It's probably worse than crucifixion. At least that's over fairly rapidly. And then there's the whole "rising from the dead thing" and all.
> 
> I sincerely wish she would just go quietly in her sleep.
> 
> I sincerely wish we all go quietly in our sleep.
> 
> Shockwave


I meant every word of it!

You ARE an Incredible Person!

The World IS a better place for having you in it!

Your compassion and empathy for her is immense, and it inspires me to be a better person.

If she hasn't thanked you for your selfless care, I want to thank you for her. You have given her comfort in her remaining days. Thank you.


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## ShockwaveRider

Unique Username said:


> If she hasn't thanked you for your selfless care, I want to thank you for her. You have given her comfort in her remaining days. Thank you.


Once again, thank you for the kind words.

Oh, she's thanked me plenty since this ordeal began in January. She even told me she was amazed that I had the strength to deal with her wound care. It's not a pleasant task. That being said, what are you going to do? Go sit in the living room and watch teevee while she lies there with a wound dressing that needs to be changed? No.

I'm OK with what I call the "nuts and bolts" of being a cancer caregiver. I can change wound dressings, change ileostomy bags, clean up vomit and feces and urine, help her with the tube feeding and all of that kind of stuff. What I CAN'T deal with is her questions like "why am I dying?". How do you answer that? I have no answers. I tell her she's dying because her body is failing, and that it has nothing to do with her as a person and is not related to anything she has ever done or not done.

Dying people apparently have the notion that they have "done something to deserve this". Fact of the matter is, we've all got it comin'. With any luck, it'll be a nice quick massive heart attack.

I have to admit I've been filled with morbid thoughts of death and dying the past six months. I previously felt like I was 53 going on 33. Like death was way, way down the line. Now I'm far less sure about that.

I feel like I've aged 500 years in the past six months.

I'm sure she feels pretty much the same.

Shockwave


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## LetDownNTX

Hi Shockwave, how are you doing? How is your ex doing? I think about you often and hope that you are holding it together the best that you can!


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## ShockwaveRider

LetDownNTX said:


> Hi Shockwave, how are you doing? How is your ex doing? I think about you often and hope that you are holding it together the best that you can!


Hi.

The former Mrs. Shockwave is in hospice care. She wound up in the ICU on Saturday (7/20) and I thought we were going to lose her. She's responding to the antibiotics used to treat her abdominal infection and the hospice nurse says she may have "days or even weeks".

She's getting a lot of visitors from out of town. She tires very quickly and gets confused easily. Many times when I go to visit she's asleep. Then she'll ask me the following day why I didn't come to visit her.

I must admit to losing patience with visiting her every day. I'm just burnt out and fatigued beyond belief. That being said, you can't realistically complain about your own discomfort when your loved one is dying of cancer.

Just once I'd like to go right home after work, throw a pizza in the oven, pop open a beer and watch a ballgame on TV. I'm just so freaking tired. After this is over I fully intend to sleep for an entire week.

Thank you so much for thinking of us.

Shockwave


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## Advocado

ShockwaveRider said:


> Hi.
> 
> ....
> 
> Just once I'd like to go right home after work, throw a pizza in the oven, pop open a beer and watch a ballgame on TV. .....
> 
> Shockwave



What's really stopping you from doing this. Are you worried that if you don't go see her one day it could be the day she passes away and you would feel bad?

You have a responsibility to yourself - if you totally exhaust yourself mentally and physically there might come a time when you want to go visit her but can't because your mind/body have become totally overwhelmed with the stress of all you have been going through.

You owe it to yourself to take a day off. I really hope you will give this to yourself. Anyone who blamed you for doing so is just plain wrong. If you would blame yourself for having a day off and that just so happened to be the day this poor woman died, they you are wrong too.

Please start taking good care of yourself - only you can do it and you deserve it. 

I really hope that your ex-wife and her family realise how very lucky she is to have a person like you. Many would have run a mile, so please *seriously consider* taking a day off now and then. 

God bless you.


----------



## Shaggy

You sacrificing yourself won't cure her or make the situation better.

What I mean is you cannot let what is going on with her become your sole focus and task in life.

If you do let it become everything you do in your life, you will find yourself lost and in trouble when the day comes and she is gone. Because if you made her situation your entire waking life, then you won't have anything once she is gone.

You need to keep other things in your life - it's ok to relax and blow off steam. 

It's ok, to live and do so without feeling guilty for doing so.


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## ShockwaveRider

Shaggy said:


> It's ok, to live and do so without feeling guilty for doing so.


Yes, I'm fairly certain it's guilt.

I just sit there and think of her lying in bed with an ileostomy, a jejunostomy, a gastrostomy (PEG tube) and an implanted venous access port. I think of her lying there alone, weeping.

Just typing this I have tears.

Now I know what real "heartbreak" feels like.

Shockwave


----------



## Shaggy

ShockwaveRider said:


> Yes, I'm fairly certain it's guilt.
> 
> I just sit there and think of her lying in bed with an ileostomy, a jejunostomy, a gastrostomy (PEG tube) and an implanted venous access port. I think of her lying there alone, weeping.
> 
> Just typing this I have tears.
> 
> Now I know what real "heartbreak" feels like.
> 
> Shockwave


Look I've been there myself when a close family member went through this.

Healthy Guilt is for when you actually do something that hurts another person - did you give her cancer?

You aren't guilty for her condition or for living.

Your time will come like it does for all of us.

It really is ok to live even when others are facing the end, in fact it's the way of the world and not something to be guilty over.

In fact if you want guilt, the one thing you are guilty of is choosing not to use each precious moment you yourself have.

Give yourself permission to feel, to laugh and even to be annoyed and angry at things.

It's ok.


----------



## ShockwaveRider

Shaggy said:


> In fact if you want guilt, the one thing you are guilty of is choosing not to use each precious moment you yourself have.


That is an "extremely good point".

I could well have a massive heart attack, like, RIGHT NOW.

Shockwave


----------



## Jellybeans

Hugs, Shockwave. 

You are a good man.


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## Advocado

ShockwaveRider said:


> That is an "extremely good point".
> 
> I could well have a massive heart attack, like, RIGHT NOW.
> 
> Shockwave


So will you be taking some time out, and if so when?


----------



## ShockwaveRider

Advocado said:


> So will you be taking some time out, and if so when?


Hmmmm.....I don't know.....Saturday maybe?

All I know is that in 13 minutes I'm off to hospice again.

Who knows what kind of condition she's going to be in?

Yesterday she was crabby.....ornery.....I need this like I need a hole in the head, you know? I'm just trying to help.

Shockwave, signing off.......

:sleeping::sleeping::sleeping::sleeping::sleeping:


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## Advocado

Okay - plan what you will do on *Saturday*, even if it's only planning to chill in front of the TV, and look forward to it. You deserve it.

Let her know that you won't be visiting on Saturday so she won't panic and think you've abandoned her for good. Crabby or not (and I appreciate she has reason to feel crabby given that she's terminal) she still needs to realise that you need and deserve time to recharge your batteries. Indeed you will *both *gain from you having had some time for yourself. 

re "Saturday, maybe?" - I am wondering if you are the type to feel guilty and self sabotage by chickening out of telling her in advance that you will be taking a day off, and then end up going to see her on Saturday as she'll be expecting you! So, I just want to add that, if for any reason you don't tell your ex in advance that you're taking time out on Saturday, then you simply phone the hospital and have a nurse tell her instead.


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## LonelyinLove

I only know you for the few days I've been on this site, but I thought of you and spoke about your situation at work.

I had a serious cardiac condition 2 years ago, and still had 2 children in elementary school. My hubs had to drive almost 80 miles a day between work, kid school, home and hospital. This lasted a month. I tried to get him to stay home some nights, but he refused. Secretly, I was so happy to see him and so glad he continued to come daily. 

You are a man of good character. I know this is hard, but when it is over you will be glad for the kindness you gave her.


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## ShockwaveRider

My wife's condition is very, very grave. It's probable that we're down to hours rather than days.

The horror of this is simply beyond words. If anyone reading this has ever cared for a terminal colon cancer patient you will know exactly what I mean. They had to bring an "air purifier" into her room yesterday.

I don't know about taking a day off Saturday. Saturday could very well be her last day.

I think I'm losing my mind. I have the headache from hell right in my left eye socket. I wish I was dead.

Shockwave, signing off.......


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## Jellybeans

Sorry, Shockwave. Sending you lots of love and strength.


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## LonelyinLove

So sorry....

Prayers for both of you.


----------



## Advocado

LonelyinLove said:


> So sorry....
> 
> Prayers for both of you.


:iagree:
and I so hope you have someone there to be with you as you sit with her.


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## LonelyinLove

Hey Shock, how's it going?

Gettin worried here pal....


----------



## Unique Username

Let us know how you are doing....our thoughts and prayers are with you....thinking of you.


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## ShockwaveRider

*She Died*

She Died.

She died on July 28 at 3:45PM.

I was at her bedside as she took her final breath. Her nightmare is over.

My world seems much, much smaller now, strangely "incomplete". I told my employer that I was taking the week off on unpaid bereavement leave and they told me "oh no, the bereavement leave policy has been changed for 2013 and you can't take unpaid time off". I told them "screw you, I'm taking off, I'm not fit to work". I'm an electrical engineer. I work with high voltage power transmission apparatus every day. One mistake and I am DEAD. I took the week off.

I went up to my cabin and slept and slept and slept. I woke up only long enough to rest and eat, and then I slept some more. I think I have the "fatigue" part under control, but the "heartbreak" not so much.

I'm going to try to remember the good times, when she looked so fine, with her thick reddish-brown hair. She always had such beautiful hair.

I hope she's in the afterlife with our dog. I hope our dog greeted her with that wiggly little butt and stubby little tail she had when she saw Mama or Papa. I hope to see both of them again when my time is up.

It's only been a week since she passed so I'm still a wreck. Back here at work today just trying to keep my mind occupied.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to respond to my posts. I don't think I'll be posting up here any longer. My story; her story, has ended. She was the only one there ever was, the only one there will ever be.

I hope you all experience love like that some time in your life.

Shockwave


----------



## EleGirl

I'm so sorry for your loss. 

Just know that you went over and above in helping her. It was a great gift that you gave her since it seems she would have been alone through these last months were it not for you.


((((hugs))))


----------



## GTdad

I'm sorry, Shockwave.

You're a hell of a man and a fine example of how to deal with an impossible situation.

Blessings.


----------



## LonelyinLove

I kinda figured that happened since we didn't hear from you for a while.

I am so sorry...for you, for her...

You were her hero, even if she forgot for a while. God bless you for your selfless act of grace. 

One small bit of advice...never say never...you might meet someone that will fill your heart back up..not the same, of course..but a relationship all the same. Frankly, any woman would be profoundly lucky to have you.

And please stick around TAM...you bring a unique perspective to things and I'm sure there will be others in your situation that find themselves here.

God bless. I'm remembering you in my prayers...


----------



## VeryHurt

Dear Shockwave ~

I just read your thread for the first time and I am crying my eyes out for you. 

You are an incredible human being and my admiration and respect for you is sincere.

If every husband in this world was 1/8 of a man that you are, the divorce rate would be seriously lower.

Now, it is time for you to take of YOU.

VH


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## Advocado

Your care and devotion through this difficult time leaves me almost speechless. You went so much more than the extra mile. 

God bless you and please do prioritise taking tender loving care of you - looking forward to having a happy and peaceful ever after.


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## ShockwaveRider

Thanks to all of you (once again) for all the kind words.

We had this hand towel hanging in the bathroom. It had a bear (me), a moose (her) and what looks like a seal pup (or maybe a polar bear cub) paddling a canoe. We always had this saying "you and me and puppy makes three". We always thought of our dog as "our child" (probably like a lot of childless couples do).

Every time I see that hand towel I break down in tears. That and the souvenir plaque we bought from Holy Hill (a Wisconsin Discalced Carmelite Friar monastery / holy shrine) that says "God Bless Our Home". I don't know whether to take those things down or leave them up.

I guess I'm slightly less of a wreck than I was last week. Seeing her picture (young and pretty) in the obituary published in the local newspaper gave a certain "finality", I guess.

My buddies have invited me over for the football game Thursday night. Since I don't have cable teevee, there's no other way I could watch the game. So I guess I'll go. I guess it's kind of pointless to sit alone at home night after night after night.

Just like I did when attempting to help her survive the cancer, I just keep schlepping along, day after day after day.

It's gonna take a looooong time to get over this.

Shockwave


----------



## Jellybeans

Shock, 

I am sorry for your loss. My condolences. Very glad to hear you took a week off work since you needed some time to yourself to collect yourself and your thoughts. You have been through a very tough time.

Relish in the good memories you had together. Happy to hear you will be meeting up with friends soon and getting out of the house.

Be strong. 

Hugs.


----------



## Why Not Be Happy?

Shock:
Go out---see friends----make new friends. Live!


----------



## Advocado

ShockwaveRider said:


> ...
> 
> Every time I see that hand towel I break down in tears. That and the souvenir plaque we bought from Holy Hill (a Wisconsin Discalced Carmelite Friar monastery / holy shrine) that says "God Bless Our Home". *I don't know whether to take those things down or leave them up. * ...
> Shockwave


I cannot speak from past person experience, but would suggest putting these items away for a while. Look at them again when some time has passed and you are feeling somewhat stronger.


----------



## ShockwaveRider

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> Go out---see friends----make new friends. Live!


Yes, I suppose sitting at home every night with the curtains drawn, crying and drinking heavily is "not particularly healthy" (or productive).


----------



## LonelyinLove

ShockwaveRider said:


> Yes, I suppose sitting at home every night with the curtains drawn, crying and drinking heavily is "not particularly healthy" (or productive).


Dude, you do her no honor by harming yourself.

You living well and loving again would be a testament to all that was good in your relationship with her.

Go have a good time with your friends, adopt a puppy, volunteer somewhere, join a social organization of like minded folks, take a class...

Live. And live well.


----------



## ShockwaveRider

LonelyinLove said:


> adopt a puppy


A puppy hmmmm?

My pup has been gone an awfully long time, since 2007.

I could theoretically be training a puppy in time for grouse hunting season, rather than moping around crying.

A puppy hmmmm?


----------



## VeryHurt

Hi ~

I most definetly VOTE FOR a new puppy. 

That is what I am going to do. We always had 2 dogs and one of our Goldens died this past March. The other one is 8.5 years. 

Yes for sure, go for a new puppy. Your very own friend and loyal company. 

Without question, a new puppy will give you a responsibility, a purpose and unconditional love. 

A new puppy can get your mood to where it once once.

Trust me on this one !!!!

We can all see the smile on your face already when you get your first sloppy wet kiss on your nose !!!!

Take Care ~
VH


----------



## ShockwaveRider

VeryHurt said:


> We can all see the smile on your face already when you get your first sloppy wet kiss on your nose !!!!


Awwww.....you don't have to give me a "sloppy wet kiss on the nose".......

Oh.....you mean from the PUPPY.

I loved my dog very nearly as much as I loved my wife.

Well, not really I suppose but it was close.

You never saw my dog recoiling in horror at the prospect of yet another savage beating from her Papa.

Something (or someone) to love might just be the thing to soothe the wreckage of what's left of me.

Never hugging a woman ever again is almost too horrible to contemplate.

Yeah, yeah, sex blah blah.

It's the hugging that makes me feel complete.

Shockwave


----------



## LonelyinLove

ShockwaveRider said:


> Never hugging a woman ever again is almost too horrible to contemplate.
> 
> Yeah, yeah, sex blah blah.
> 
> It's the hugging that makes me feel complete.
> 
> Shockwave


When you're feeling better....

I have a single sister...40 something, pretty, blond, retired Air Force....

and she likes puppies!

Just say'in....

(just kidding, she would KILL me for writing that!)


----------



## LetDownNTX

Shockwave, Im a little late but I just read about the passing of your wife. Im praying for strength for you to get you through this difficult time. God knows what a good man you were to her, as do we all! I can only hope that I have someone with me at the end that cares about me as much as you cared about her.


----------



## ShockwaveRider

LetDownNTX said:


> Shockwave, Im a little late but I just read about the passing of your wife. Im praying for strength for you to get you through this difficult time. God knows what a good man you were to her, as do we all! I can only hope that I have someone with me at the end that cares about me as much as you cared about her.


I'm "slightly less of a mess" than I was two weeks ago. The weekends are the worst, because then I would normally have the most time to spend with her. Just take her out for a drive in the country, go out for ice cream, heck I even took her out for sushi until she just couldn't eat anymore.

I look at her picture several times per day, look at her obituary, it just doesn't seem real; like this could have really happened.

I guess I've sort of made my peace with it. Her sister wants to have some big "memorial service" for her in October. I'm not one for fancy speech-making. I said everything that needed to be said to my wife during her six months from hell. Words like "I love you" and "I care". I don't want to share those feelings with anyone else.

I have this vast emptiness. You'd think that when you put that prefix "ex" before "wife" that it somehow erases all the love you shared in a lifetime together. It doesn't. Well at least it didn't for me, or for my wife.

Now I have to work on MY OWN HEALTH because I have two nagging physical (medical) problems that I've been putting off since January. First thing to go is this impacted wisdom tooth.

Ow. 

Shockwave


----------



## Pluto2

Shockwave, I just read this thread. I am so sorry for the pain you have endured.
You are the most human.
I truly hope you are finding peace.


----------



## joygirl

This is a very touching story. Very humbling. I didn't even know good, totally selfless men like this one exist. I hope you find happiness and peace again.


----------



## bbird1

ShockwaveRider said:


> Where does my responsibility end? Do I have any right to self-preservation? I feel like a piece of human garbage for not wanting her to come back to my place again.
> 
> She's 58; I'm 53. We were married 15 years (no kids).
> 
> Shockwave


You have done way more than most would or could. I say you need to explain to her that you will not be able to care for her 24/7 and this is unacceptable for her to go without needed care. It is also unacceptable for her to expect you to quite your job to care for her.

Just lay out the facts and stick to your decisions.
1) You are very ill and I have and will remain at your side until the end. 
2) We are divorced but it is plain to see i still care for you deeply. I did and do love you and my words are supported by my actions and deeds. I am here.
3) You can not ask me to make you suffer where you will not receive all the care you need. If i continue to work I may not be home for up to 10 hours a day while you maybe laying in need of care. I would NEVER forgive myself if you needed me and I wasn't there to handle things and I had removed you from where you were receiving all the care you needed. Do not ask this of me please.
4) I will be here to the end and if humanly possible I will be at your side when you draw your last breath.

Be honest with her but firm. You have no responsibility for her as a ex-husband and you have honored her and your vowes far beyond where most men would. That is something to be proud of for sure.


----------



## Pluto2

bbird1 said:


> You have done way more than most would or could. I say you need to explain to her that you will not be able to care for her 24/7 and this is unacceptable for her to go without needed care. It is also unacceptable for her to expect you to quite your job to care for her.
> 
> Just lay out the facts and stick to your decisions.
> 1) You are very ill and I have and will remain at your side until the end.
> 2) We are divorced but it is plain to see i still care for you deeply. I did and do love you and my words are supported by my actions and deeds. I am here.
> 3) You can not ask me to make you suffer where you will not receive all the care you need. If i continue to work I may not be home for up to 10 hours a day while you maybe laying in need of care. I would NEVER forgive myself if you needed me and I wasn't there to handle things and I had removed you from where you were receiving all the care you needed. Do not ask this of me please.
> 4) I will be here to the end and if humanly possible I will be at your side when you draw your last breath.
> 
> Be honest with her but firm. You have no responsibility for her as a ex-husband and you have honored her and your vowes far beyond where most men would. That is something to be proud of for sure.


I believe his ex-wife has passed


----------



## ShockwaveRider

bbird1 said:


> 1) You are very ill and I have and will remain at your side until the end.
> 2) We are divorced but it is plain to see i still care for you deeply. I did and do love you and my words are supported by my actions and deeds. I am here.
> 3) You can not ask me to make you suffer where you will not receive all the care you need. If i continue to work I may not be home for up to 10 hours a day while you maybe laying in need of care. I would NEVER forgive myself if you needed me and I wasn't there to handle things and I had removed you from where you were receiving all the care you needed. Do not ask this of me please.
> 4) I will be here to the end and if humanly possible I will be at your side when you draw your last breath.


Yes, my wife has been gone three weeks now but it still helps to read this.

Now comes the godawful task of "going through her things" and sorting out all the medical bills and the credit card bills and dealing with a house-full of medical supplies I have no particular use for.

Got me quite a supply of Vicodin. Perhaps I should just take them all?

No, I'm not going to do anything crazy like that. But I still have moments of deep, deep sorrow and just absolutely heartbreaking grief. Not really given much to "crying" (previously) but somehow the tears just simply won't stop.

What a horrible, horrible way to die.

And much, much too young.

Shockwave


----------



## VeryHurt

Hey Shocker ~

What about that new puppy?

Very Hurt


----------



## ShockwaveRider

VeryHurt said:


> What about that new puppy?


I haven't done anything to "move forward" with the whole puppy idea.

Quite frankly, with me being at work ten hours a day it's kind of unfair to the little fellow (or, "little gal", since I'd prefer a female).

Probably just ruin her life too.

No, I think I'll just mope around and cry a little while longer.

Check back again in 5-10 years.

Shockwave


----------



## VeryHurt

There are many of us here on TAM that care about you and your well being.

Just because we are strangers does not mean that we don't have feelings for others.


----------



## ShockwaveRider

VeryHurt said:


> Just because we are strangers does not mean that we don't have feelings for others.


I know.

This is not the first time I have turned to the on-line community for help.

You're all flesh and blood, just like I am.

I'm "not quite ready" to move forward with getting a pup but I surely do thank you for your concern.

Shockwave


----------



## argyle

The ex in ex wife doesn't change a thing abut the pain. (well, from what I've read) You aren't alone.

Consider a cat. They do better with long absences - particularly an adult kitty from the shelter. And, I'd suggest no pain-relief medication or drinking alone until the sadness passes.

--Argyle


----------



## ShockwaveRider

argyle said:


> And, I'd suggest no pain-relief medication or drinking alone until the sadness passes.


I have a LARGE assortment of left-over pain-killers, anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs I have thought about abusing.

Problem is I'm too chicken to take ANY of them.

Not a big fan of "taking pills" (other than the ocassional ibuprofen, for arthritis).

Shockwave


----------



## bunny23

If you saw my original post please disregard. I have a bad habit of not reading till the end of the thread.

So sorry for your loss.


----------



## smallsteps

Shockwave,

I just read through your thread. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my aunt to the same disease last year.

Getting an animal is a great idea. If you are gone for long stretches of time maybe a cat is the way to go. Two might be better so they can keep each other company while your out. We just recently adopted an abandoned 1 year old cat from the local Petsmart (they bring abandoned cats in from foster homes to be adopted) and she acts more like a dog than my dog does.
She rolls on her back for tummy rubs and will lick my hands and arms like a dog. She's a trip. She's also great therapy when I'm feeling anxious or down.


----------



## argyle

...our cat is a complete cuddlebug, particularly with depressed people - definitely an asset. Dogs are better - because they force you to exercise...

...y'know, we all have saner and crazier moments. One choice we can make is to ditch all the stuff that can make our crazier moments super-crazy in our sane moments.

...that means dumping unneeded medication. And booze. That stuff mostly makes things worse, so why waste the space? 

...and, well, reaching out. There is family, friends, church groups, grief counselors, support groups - see - meetup.com. You might think on sitting in on a few NAMI meetings (for spouses of the mentally ill) - they're good at listening. Isolating yourself would be the worst choice.

...also consider asking someone you trust for help.

--Argyle


----------



## LonelyinLove

Well, you could get a cat...they don't NEED humans for anything besides filling the food dish....


----------



## ShockwaveRider

I'd rather have a pet tarantula than a cat, quite frankly. I am totally, 100% a "dog person".

Oddly, I feel somewhat better today, not even 100% sure why. I took all the left-over medical supplies and donated them to the local health department. It will be kind of a relief to not have to look at 2-1/2 cases of unused tube feeding solution, tube feeding bags and syringes, an IV stand, etc, etc, etc. Maybe I feel like I'm kind of "taking back my life" at least a little bit.

I still have uncharacteristic bouts of extreme anguish and essentially uncontrollable sobbing. But it's not daily like it used to be anymore. It's only been 26 days since she passed away. I suspect I'll be better at 36 days and then at 46 days.

Selfishly, I surely do miss her.

This "being alone all the time" kind of sucks.

Shockwave


----------



## LonelyinLove

I think you are really hard on yourself. Of course you are grieving, why wouldn't you? It's hard to walk thru death with someone we love. Combine that with the emotions of a divorce...

Give yourself a break on that...time usually does heal most wounds.


----------



## LonelyinLove

I think you are really hard on yourself. Of course you are grieving, why wouldn't you? It's hard to walk thru death with someone we love. Combine that with the emotions of a divorce...

Give yourself a break on that...time usually does heal most wounds.


----------



## LonelyinLove

Why did that post twice?


----------



## ShockwaveRider

LonelyinLove said:


> Why did that post twice?


Just your lucky day I guess.

I think that the shock of her death has worn off a little bit now. I know others have told me it can take several years to truly emotionally recover from an experience like this. For all of my gruff, big & burly looking exterior I am a somewhat sensitive soul. Simply listening to Fritz Kreisler's "Meditation from Thais" can move me to tears.

Probably why my wife liked me in the first place.

I surely do appreciate all of your friednship and support.

Shockwave


----------



## CondorTX19

Shockwave, I have just gotten caught up with your experience of your loss. I am so sorry. I admire you for your overall handling of this awful situation. Time, will help with how you feel. It took me a couple of years to get over the loss of my wife to cancer. I took this long to where I felt like I was a normal person with normal thoughts again. It has been 13 years now. I still have dreams about her to this day, they are of a good nature. The bad memories seem to fade more than the good. I can still remember all the struggles that she went thru if I choose to go there. All the holidays, BD's, anniversaries, etc. will be the hardest. Hang in there, do the things that you like to do and be patient, it will get better.


----------



## argyle

..then...perhaps a dog and a dog walker? (Sometimes the neighbors help.) On one hand, it isn't a great life for a dog. On the other, if you pick up a dog from the pound, it is a better life...

I've heard that rats/chinchillas make decent pets. Although, not if you have a cat in the house.

--Argyle


----------



## ShockwaveRider

One thing I discovered for sure is that ingesting her left-over narcotics and washing them down with booze "probably isn't the way to go" to help me get over all of this.

Interesting thing about pharmaceutical narcotics, they don't really relieve your pain, per se, they simply make you feel so damn good that you don't really notice the pain. I have pain in my body (arthritis) that was not relieved by narcotic painkillers. Once you stop taking the narcotic, holy crap will you feel like **** for several days. Now I have a better understanding of narcotics addiction.

I'm going to wrap all those pills in a plastic bag and throw them in the garbage. There must be $400.00 - $500.00 worth of medications left at my house.

Gonna dry out (no beer, no booze, no drugs, no tobacco) over the Labor Day holiday and attempt to get my **** together here.

The grief and sorrow, along with deep, deep feelings of loss and remorse are actually getting worse, not better.

What a horrible experience.

Certainly more for her than it was for me.

Shockwave


----------



## NWCooper

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. It is so hard to watch someone die the way your ex-wife did. I lost my mom to lung cancer last year and I spent her last 5 months with her. Watching someone just waste away and in pain the whole time is something I never want to repeat ever.

As for your leftover pills, put your leftover coffee grounds in a Baggie with all the pills. They will just dissolve away. The morning my mom died, her hospice nurse came over and did that with all her meds. This is the best way to dispose of them.

Again, I am so sorry for your pain. I had a great support network that helped me work through my grief. Also, my mom's hospice network was there for me if needed, did your ex wife have hospice? They are a wonderful source if you let them in. I hope you find some healing, but can tell you from my own personal experience you need to talk it out with someone. What you have gone through is beyond soul crushing and those feelings and thoughts need to come out. I will be thinking of you and wish you all the best and hope for a little peace in your life.


----------



## ShockwaveRider

NWCooper said:


> Also, my mom's hospice network was there for me if needed, did your ex wife have hospice? They are a wonderful source if you let them in. I hope you find some healing, but can tell you from my own personal experience you need to talk it out with someone. What you have gone through is beyond soul crushing and those feelings and thoughts need to come out. I will be thinking of you and wish you all the best and hope for a little peace in your life.


Both the hospice and the VNA (Visiting Nurses Association) told me that grief and bereavement services would be offered, but no offers have come as of yet. The Cancer Nurse Navigator called me on the phone and offered her condolences.

I actually attempted to contact my old cognitive therapist but discovered (much to my dismay) that he has been kicked out of practice for having sexual relations with a (female) patient. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

I don't know, last week was rough. It's also my wife's birthday this week. Normally anniversary dates don't have any effect on me, you know? But typically I would take her out for a real nice dinner for her birthday even after we were divorced. I didn't really want to lose her friendship forever.

I sit here now and again and think, other than me, she really had no one at all to care for her in her final days. There was no SO in her life, and I have no SO in my life. It's like I was destined to be there for her at the end.

I got a letter from my sister yesterday. She is not in the greatest of health and her son (my nephew) has significant mental health issues that required hospitalization. My other sister has a "special needs" child. My niece and nephew-in-law (?) both have significant health problems. My brother and sister-in-law could care less if I was alive or dead, quite frankly. So honestly, there is absolutely no one to talk to. I told my friends to "just think of me as dead because that's exactly how I feel". I don't want to go out and party and drink. I don't feel like doing much of anything. Just making dinner is a struggle.

Mostly, I have the feeling that nobody really gives two ****s about me OR her.

Now that she is gone, what do I have left?

Shockwave


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## NWCooper

Call her hospice service. Call them today. They will have someone for you to talk to.

You mentioned friends, but that you don't want to go out and party. Of course you don't, but out of your friends isn't there one who can be there for you to just listen?

Trigger dates will be hard for a good while. My mom died last June. Her birthday was in August, so I have now been thru two of them, still hard. What I find hardest though is the want to just talk to her. You know like when you have news you want to share, I always want to call and tell her. It makes the happy times bittersweet because I can't tell her about them.

Find that friend that will be there for you, or a professional, either hospice or therapist. You need it right now. Also, you mentioned getting a dog in an earlier post (I have followed your thread since its beginning). Maybe that might be good for you now, good for the companionship and also good to get your mind onto other things. Puppies are a lot of work, maybe you need that now, just a suggestion though.
I also do think you were meant to be there for her and she was lucky to have you. You blessed the end of her life with your support, what a truly remarkable gift you gave her!


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## CantePe

First, I am a health care worker. I couldn't read without reaching out to you. For lack of a more sensitive way of saying this : my specialty is palliative end of life care of not just the patient but the family members too. It is my lifes work, it is my duty to not just take care of my patient but the whole family and help everyone cope with the crisis they are in with their sick and dying family member.

What you are feeling IS valid, you are a normal, grieving human being. What you are going through and coping with is one of, if not THE HARDEST thing any human being will cope with in their entire lives. I concur that you need to call hospice and ask for your local resources that will help you grieve and learn the skills you need emotionally to cope with your immense loss.

Now let me speak to you as a person instead of a professional. In 2004 I lost a woman that was a second mother to me after spending the last 3 years of her life being her care giver. That was my mother in law, my Mum (my biological mother is mom, she was mum). She had lung cancer for the second time and chronic obstructive pulminary disease (COPD).

I am going to give it to you blunt here :

It was me who cleaned her up when she had accidents, me who helped her bathe herself, take care of her home, who sat with her when she couldn't breath, I was there for all of it right to the end while taking care of my children at 3,2 and new born. 

I know first hand what you are feeling, what it is like to have to watch a loved one die (quite literally as I held her hand while she took her final breath and died). I have been through what you are going through right now, every bit of it.

I know first hand how it feels to feel helpless and like you could have, should have, would have done more. I know the self doubt, the frustrations, how the emotional pain translates literally to physical pain. How one can torment themselves with the what ifs like if I had just done more or did this maybe she would still be here with us.

We had to decide to take her off life support - the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Some days I still doubt myself over her death. I can't lie to you and say it gets easier but I can say you learn to cope better with the pain as time passes. You will always grieve your loss but you DON'T have to grieve alone. I encourage you to hit my inbox if you ever feel the need to get support from someone who is both a professional in palliative and an every day person who knows and understands first hand. Don't hesitate my inbox is always open if you need it. Nothing will leave the confines of my inbox and I will treat anything you put there as if I had signed a confidentiality contract with you.

Please don't do this alone, I made that mistake myself.


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## ShockwaveRider

CantePe said:


> I can't lie to you and say it gets easier but I can say you learn to cope better with the pain as time passes. You will always grieve your loss but you DON'T have to grieve alone. I encourage you to hit my inbox if you ever feel the need to get support from someone who is both a professional in palliative and an every day person who knows and understands first hand. Don't hesitate my inbox is always open if you need it. Nothing will leave the confines of my inbox and I will treat anything you put there as if I had signed a confidentiality contract with you.
> 
> Please don't do this alone, I made that mistake myself.


OT - Whenever I see your posts I think "can't pee".

You're probably right though, it's not going to be possible to do this on my own. Like most men (I imagine) we have trouble reaching out to others and talking about our feelings. It's easier to just wash those feelings away in an ocean of booze. But then you're left with even worse emotional wreckage and now you have a substance abuse problem to boot.

The worst part is just the sheer horror of what she went through, the utter brutality that is colon cancer. There probably aren't a whole bunch of "great ways to die", but colon cancer has to be one of the worst.

Towards the end of our marriage we lived pretty much like brother and sister. No real emotional connection, no sex, very little affection. Yet I never hated her and she never hated me, to the best of my knowledge. How does that saying go? "The opposite of affection is indifference"? I never, ever, in my blackest days (and there were quite a few of them) ever wanted her to suffer like that. I thought all the terrible images (of the divorce) were behind me, and now I have a whole new collection of terrible images that is far, far worse.

I'm going to cut myself some slack. She's barely been gone a month. I have most of her things moved out of my house and turned over to her family. I stayed home over the holiday weekend and cleaned the living heck out of my house and my yard. Stuff that had been neglected while I was taking care of her. I feel pretty much OK until I get to work, for some odd reason. I've grown to dislike my job pretty severely over the past few years. I sure do like the money though.

Thanks for your offer of support and consultation.

I'll try to just muddle my way through this.

I keep looking forward to better days.

Shockwave


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## CantePe

*laughs* "can't pee"

It is Souix Lakota for Woman's Heart or heart of a woman. Cante is heart (kan-teh) Pe is woman (peh).

My door is always open, I will be here when you are ready to reach out.


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## ShockwaveRider

I discovered that my phone-mail box here at work was loaded up to the max. So I decided to sift through the messages to see if there was anything of value that I needed to keep.

I think 20 of the 24 messages were from her, at various stages of her illness. I never could press that "delete" button on phone messages from her, so often calling me that sweet pet name she had for me (no, not "fatso"). You could just tell she was getting weaker and weaker and weaker as the days went by.

Some days I think I'm going to go home and she's going to be there. Maybe having already baked one of those chicken pot pies I loved so much. I'd tell my buddies at work I was having chicken pot pie for dinner and they'd say "yuck", like a Swanson's chicken pot pie, you know? She made chicken pot pie to DIE for, with a perfectly browned crust with big hunks of white meat chicken and potatoes and carrots and mushrooms. So damn delicious. She made one for me in March when she was staying with me and it actually moved me to tears. I could actually taste the love in her pot pies.

Well, no pot pie for me tonight. I guess I'll stop at the tavern for a burger and a beer or three.

This really happened right? This isn't just some horrible nightmare and all of you are figments of my imagination.

No, I didn't think so.

Shockwave, signing off.........


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## betulanana

I have been following this thread for a while. Never found the right words to say.
Just wanted to let you know that I think you are very strong. Stay even stronger for her.



Mary Elizabeth Frye said:


> Do not stand at my grave and weep,
> I am not there; I do not sleep.
> I am a thousand winds that blow,
> I am the diamond glints on snow,
> I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
> I am the gentle autumn rain.
> When you awaken in the morning’s hush
> I am the swift uplifting rush
> Of quiet birds in circled flight.
> I am the soft stars that shine at night.
> Do not stand at my grave and cry,
> I am not there; I did not die.


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## manticore

I cried a lot while reading your thread, when I read about people like you I wish with all my hearth that heaven is real.

Is clear to me that your exwife loved you again with all her hearth, I don't know if she expressed it to you or not, but she did loved you again.

you see, human beings are prideful and stubborn, I have known of cases where people die alone because they didn't reconcile with their family, or they never even inform to other family members that they are dying or sick.

your exwife let you saw her at her most vulnerable and weakest moment, if in her heart she had blamed you for the failure of the marriage, she had never let you see her like that, she had never accepted your offer to stay with you for her treatment, she had never let you see her once beutiful body scarred by cancer.

you said she did not wanted to visit friends because she was kind of ashamed of her looks in that moment (that is most likely true), but the reason she was able to show it to you, was because she probably wanted to think, that you also loved her and you accepted her even in that state.

I am sure she regreted everything she put you through the end of your marriage, the fake charges, the infidelity, I am sure that if she did not mention it was because she did not wanted to hurt you or was a afraid of angering you.

In her final days when she was in the facility, she could have resquested her sister to stay, and she had already ton of people visiting her, so she did not want you there because she was alone she wanted you there because it was you, those days when you visited her and she was asleep and she thought you didn't visited her, she probably was afraid because she knew you had no more obligation towards her, as you were divorced, when she asked you why she was dying she probably was afraid that you hated her for what she did to you, and wanted to see your reaction, to see if you thought she deserved it.

in march she was already gravely sick, and she gathered the last of her strength to cook your favorite dish probably wishing give you a little of happines. She died having the love of her life at her side even when she maybe thought she did not deserve it.

you should not feel guilty for being tired, you gave too much, I am sure that she have nothing to complain about you, and I am sure that if there is and after life she is putting a good word for you out there.


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## ShockwaveRider

manticore said:


> I cried a lot while reading your thread, when I read about people like you I wish with all my hearth that heaven is real.
> 
> Is clear to me that your exwife loved you again with all her hearth, I don't know if she expressed it to you or not, but she did loved you again.
> 
> you see, human beings are prideful and stubborn, I have known of cases where people die alone because they didn't reconcile with their family, or they never even inform to other family members that they are dying or sick.
> 
> your exwife let you saw her at her most vulnerable and weakest moment, if in her heart she had blamed you for the failure of the marriage, she had never let you see her like that, she had never accepted your offer to stay with you for her treatment, she had never let you see her once beutiful body scarred by cancer.
> 
> you said she did not wanted to visit friends because she was kind of ashamed of her looks in that moment (that is most likely true), but the reason she was able to show it to you, was because she probably wanted to think, that you also loved her and you accepted her even in that state.
> 
> I am sure she regreted everything she put you through the end of your marriage, the fake charges, the infidelity, I am sure that if she did not mention it was because she did not wanted to hurt you or was a afraid of angering you.
> 
> In her final days when she was in the facility, she could have resquested her sister to stay, and she had already ton of people visiting her, so she did not want you there because she was alone she wanted you there because it was you, those days when you visited her and she was asleep and she thought you didn't visited her, she probably was afraid because she knew you had no more obligation towards her, as you were divorced, when she asked you why she was dying she probably was afraid that you hated her for what she did to you, and wanted to see your reaction, to see if you thought she deserved it.
> 
> in march she was already gravely sick, and she gathered the last of her strength to cook your favorite dish probably wishing give you a little of happines. She died having the love of her life at her side even when she maybe thought she did not deserve it.
> 
> you should not feel guilty for being tired, you gave too much, I am sure that she have nothing to complain about you, and I am sure that if there is and after life she is putting a good word for you out there.


It's been four months since my wife died. 

It still helps to read beautiful words like you posted above.

I don't have the two-hour uncontrollable sobbing episodes anymore, but the pain is still very fresh and raw.

I see commercials on teevee with men buying their wives presents for Christmas and it makes me break down. I really enjoyed buying her things. Funny things, goofy things, useful things, expensive things, cheap things. I just enjoyed seeing her rip the wrapping paper off of a gift. I always wanted her to have "many gaily colored presents" under the Christmas tree.

But that's all over now. I some how have to find a new sense of direction.

Her suffering was nothing less than horriffic.

It's going to take a long, long time to get over this.

Perhaps I never will.

Shockwave


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## turnera

{{{Shockwave}}}

Are you seeing an IC? Please do so.


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