# Been some time, but need some advice



## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Where to start.. I nor she has left the house, we are both going to IC, and MC. She has had no contact with OM. 

Now the problems.

1) She has contenues to lie to me. The latest was about what she was wanting from the affair. She thought that he might have feelings for her when he wanted the pics and agreed to have sex with her. She had no intentions of staying with me till she found out that he didn't have any intrest in her. (So hard being the fall back guy after 18 years) She also have been lieing about some of the things she had told me in the past. She now says that she didn't tell me because I was hurting so much already and she didn't want to cause me any more pain. She tells me that she dont have thoses feelings anymore and she knows she wants to be with me and the kids and shows it in many ways.

I've asked her to write everything down from start to finish. (including all the details about the sex and what she felt/thought/ect) 

2) She still gets mad when I cry, get upset/hurt. When I question her on it she says "What am I never able to get mad at you agian?" I tell her that she can get mad and express her feelings she just cant get mad about affair stuff. 

3) She still shuts down or gets mad when I want to talk about some of the things she lied about, or about the affair.

4) She wants to ask the OM what about her made him ask for the pics in the first place, what about her was so wrong that he only wanted sex from her, what he felt about her before and now.
She tells me that even if he came begging to her that she knows she wants me and the kids and would turn him away. She wants me to be there when she ask him.

I've been a wreck. I do cry. I dont get mad, I'm just hurt. We have had some really good days, but it is only when I keep everything bottled up inside and dont talk about the affair or her lieing. She wants to forget about it and move on, but I have not healed and finding out she has still be lieing to me has reopened some painful triggers and wounds. 

I told her one of the times she was having problems talking about things and got mad that I wanted to, that I wanted her to leave. She asked maybe 10 times if that is what I wanted and each time I was sure it was. When she was leaving she kissed me and told me that she was going to go but that this(our marriage) was not the end of it. I folded at that point and said she could stay. She admitted that if she would have left she would have went to the OM to ask her questions. 

I'm thinking of getting a hotel room for a few days. To give her time and space and show that I'm not going to stand for lieing and not talking about things anymore. Any insight?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Stay at home , stop crying and man up , your wife is using you because you are not standing up for yourself .

I would not normally recommend you run a 180 once the affair is over , in your case I do . You need to get a grip on the situation and stop being a nice guy . 

WARNING: The 180 is NOT a manipulation tool to make your spouse end his/her affair and commit to do the work of marital recovery, IT IS an emotional empowerment tool to help you become emotionally strong so that you can move on with your life - with or without your spouse. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive.

1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
4. Don't follow her/him around the house.
5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
7. Don't ask for reassurances.
8. Don't buy or give gifts.
9. Don't schedule dates together.
10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

> She wants to ask the OM what about her made him ask for the pics in the first place, what about her was so wrong that he only wanted sex from her, what he felt about her before and now.


How old is she? 15? Is she that naive about men?

The reason why she was so wrong that he only wanted sex from her? Because she could not be trusted. If she was willing to betray her husband with another man, why should he believe that she wouldn't do the same to him if they were together as husband and wife?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You wife is utterly hopeless


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I am learning all the time. She is does not want to think it was just for the sex. She wants him to say that she was fun, and she was pretty and he cared about her.

My wife has learned that he was not after a friendship and that was not what se wanted to face


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Stay at home , stop crying and man up , your wife is using you because you are not standing up for yourself .
> 
> I would not normally recommend you run a 180 once the affair is over , in your case I do . You need to get a grip on the situation and stop being a nice guy .
> 
> ...


Ok, I can do most of them right off the bat. The not showing hurt I know will be the hardest. 

I do have questions on number 7, 14, 15, 19. 

I still have questions about why/how/when, how should I go about getting answers to the questions if we are not to talk about the marriage, affair, ect. She would be fine just forgetting about everything and keeping it bottled up inside.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> You wife is utterly hopeless


Thanks for the deep words of wisdom. Solved all my problems.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

mahike said:


> I am learning all the time. She is does not want to think it was just for the sex. She wants him to say that she was fun, and she was pretty and he cared about her.
> 
> My wife has learned that he was not after a friendship and that was not what se wanted to face


Should I agree to us talking about things with the OM. I'm not 100% sure I will not hit him as soon as I see him.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

NC means- NO [email protected]#$CKING CONTACT!!!


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Wanabeelee said:


> Should I agree to us talking about things with the OM.


ARE YOU SERIOUS???

WTF?!?, That is so f*cking twisted. F*CK NO. 

The damage that has been done to you already isn't enough for you??? I don't think you have a clue what kind of psychological damage you would be doing to yourself agreeing to that. 

This is really warped. 

In one breath your W is telling you to get over it, in the next shes telling you she can't get over him. She needs you to shut the f*ck up, she needs to talk.... TO HIM!?!?

It's not ok for you to be hurt or want to talk about your feelings...
but its reasonable for her to ask you to help her get closure with him and go talk to HIM about HIS feelings about YOUR WIFE!!!!!!???


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Sorry, but i was pissed off reading you story. It is utterly ridiculous.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

I think you should divorce this woman. She sounds terrbile.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> ARE YOU SERIOUS???
> 
> WTF?!?, That is so f*cking twisted. F*CK NO.
> 
> ...


This all came up when she told me that she still sometimes wonders what he is doing. That she has questions that she is having problems with. What he saw that made him not want to start a relationship with her. 
She also told me that she thinks about the sex some times. (knife in the back) I did ask her to be 100% honest with me. 

To be honest I want to know why the f*ck he asked her for pictures knowing she was married and had kids that he adored. And the truth is I want to see if he gives me even the slightest excuse to beat the sh!t out of him.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Arnold said:


> I think you should divorce this woman. She sounds terrbile.


I love her. I dont want a divorce. She is trying. She has always been a pleaser, and keep what she wanted burried deep. She has never really been able to talk about things to anyone. She is doing better about the talking to some extent. (IE she dont go ape sh!t anymore on the first question or statement)

The kids love her. 

Guess I see what she was, and what she could be again if she gets help dealing with her problems and I get help dealing with mine, and we both get help dealing with our problems.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I need to shut up. now.

good luck, best wishes on your marriage.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I need to shut up. now.
> 
> good luck, best wishes on your marriage.


No you dont need to shut up. I agree that it is f'ed up. I just really want to beat the crap out of this guy. I want her to get a chance to ask her questions so that she might answer mine. Her IC'er said that to have that type of questions is normal for the WW. I dont know if she said she should ask them or what... ran into another of the brick walls (I dont want to talk about it, I dont care about his answers, I want to forget about everything in the past and look to our futures) I really do feel like a conseltation prize. We're sorry you didn't win the grand prize but her is something for playing... An old, broken, shell of a man, whos soul is shattered into a million peaces on the floor, who has done everything he could to make you happy for the last 18 years.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> I want her to get a chance to ask her questions so that she might answer mine.


How could you even be thinking to let her ask these questions to the OM. It is actually even worse that you would be weak enough to let her do this in front of you. You would be standing there as your wife is basically was letting him know that she is not over him and that if he still wanted her, she would dump you on the spot. The alpha power he would feel as he looked into your beta eyes and almost laughs in your face. If you let her con you into doing this, you are answering why she has no respect for you and wants him. She knows that if she was his wife he would never let her do this. That is why she still want him over you. She should be showing remorse, wondering if you will forgive her, not refusing to answer your questions unless she gets to talk to the OM.



Wanabeelee said:


> I really do feel like a conseltation prize.


You feel like a consolation prize because that is exactly what she is telling you that you are with her request to see the OM. If you let her do this, you deserve your fate. When does it stop with you? What exactly does it take for her to push you too far?


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

I see your point. I guess I'm just hoping that he would give me an excuse to beat his a$$. I posted him on cheaterville, sent a personal letter to his parents, informed his now ex-wife, sent to everyone on facebook that knew him, posted on forms where he was a member of organizations, sent to his work and to his fall back jobs, and sent to everyone of the appartments that he lives at. 

Guess I was hoping he would be mad enough to start something. As I hear it he lost his job, his parents want talk to him anymore, Wife was reconsedering devorce till she found out, got kicked out organizations. And he has still yet to confront me.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Ok, I remember you. You posted the OM on cheaterville, but left your cheating wife off of it.



Wanabeelee said:


> Where to start.. I nor she has left the house, we are both going to IC, and MC. She has had no contact with OM.


And how have you verified that there has been NC? Do you have a computer monitoring software installed? How about VARs? Or do you simply take her word for it?



Wanabeelee said:


> 1) She has contenues to lie to me. The latest was about what she was wanting from the affair. She thought that he might have feelings for her when he wanted the pics and agreed to have sex with her.


So she sent nudie pics of herself to this OM. 



Wanabeelee said:


> She had no intentions of staying with me till she found out that he didn't have any intrest in her. (So hard being the fall back guy after 18 years)


Yup, she was good and ready to kick you to the curb, except OM just wanted her as a piece of ass. You're back up plan alright. And here you are, not willing to divorce her. 



Wanabeelee said:


> She also have been lieing about some of the things she had told me in the past. She now says that she didn't tell me because I was hurting so much already and she didn't want to cause me any more pain. She tells me that she dont have thoses feelings anymore and she knows she wants to be with me and the kids and shows it in many ways.


Ah, more trickle truth. You don't even know the extent of the affair. Did you get tested for STDs?



Wanabeelee said:


> 2) She still gets mad when I cry, get upset/hurt. When I question her on it she says "What am I never able to get mad at you agian?" I tell her that she can get mad and express her feelings she just cant get mad about affair stuff.


Then stop f#cking crying already! Man up! Don't you know how incredibly unattractive this is? You look so weak and needy to her. She probably has no respect for you at all, I know I wouldn't.



Wanabeelee said:


> 3) She still shuts down or gets mad when I want to talk about some of the things she lied about, or about the affair.





Wanabeelee said:


> 4) She wants to ask the OM what about her made him ask for the pics in the first place, what about her was so wrong that he only wanted sex from her, what he felt about her before and now.


No, she just wants to get her fix by seeing OM again. What made him ask for pics? *Because he wanted to bang her. Geez dude, its not rocket science!!!* What was wrong about her? How about being married with kids. This is just so lame.



Wanabeelee said:


> She tells me that even if he came begging to her that she knows she wants me and the kids and would turn him away. She wants me to be there when she ask him.


Yeah, right. She's so ready to kick your ass to the curb and you don't even see it. And she knows no matter what, youre just gonna take her back and eat it.



Wanabeelee said:


> I've been a wreck. I do cry.


Man up. How often do you cry in front of her?



Wanabeelee said:


> I dont get mad, I'm just hurt. We have had some really good days, but it is only when I keep everything bottled up inside and dont talk about the affair or her lieing. She wants to forget about it and move on, but I have not healed and finding out she has still be lieing to me has reopened some painful triggers and wounds.


Because you're allowing her to rugsweep, that's why you're feeling this way.



Wanabeelee said:


> I told her one of the times she was having problems talking about things and got mad that I wanted to, that I wanted her to leave. She asked maybe 10 times if that is what I wanted and each time I was sure it was. When she was leaving she kissed me and told me that she was going to go but that this(our marriage) was not the end of it. I folded at that point and said she could stay. She admitted that if she would have left she would have went to the OM to ask her questions.


So she was ready to leave for the OM, and you stopped her. She would have went to OM to ask her questions? Seriously? Would that be before or after she banged him? 



Wanabeelee said:


> I'm thinking of getting a hotel room for a few days. To give her time and space and show that I'm not going to stand for lieing and not talking about things anymore. Any insight?


How about you manning up and filing for divorce to show you mean business? Your WW is so ready to leave you and kick you to the curb because of your weak and needy behavior. You're still letting her walk all over you when you allow her to TT and rugsweep. 

People are giving up trying to give you advice because it looks like you're another one of those lost causes. Grow some balls and man up already. This has been going on for a while now, and all you can do is whine and cry in front of her. 

You need to get over your fear of divorce, because she's not afraid of leaving and kicking you to the curb. OM is on her mind and in her fantasies now. The affair is NOT over, not on her end. And she knows she can cake eat all she wants, and you will do little more than whine and cry. 

Lawyer up, file for D. She's still deep in the fog. She has no respect for you and knows you wouldn't go through with it. When she's begging you for another chance, then you know that there is at least a little hope. But she wants to rug sweep this, and is ready to go see her OM.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> I see your point. I guess I'm just hoping that he would give me an excuse to beat his a$$. I posted him on cheaterville, sent a personal letter to his parents, informed his now ex-wife, sent to everyone on facebook that knew him, posted on forms where he was a member of organizations, sent to his work and to his fall back jobs, and sent to everyone of the appartments that he lives at.
> 
> Guess I was hoping he would be mad enough to start something. As I hear it he lost his job, his parents want talk to him anymore, Wife was reconsedering devorce till she found out, got kicked out organizations. And he has still yet to confront me.


And thoughout all of this, your own cheating wife has suffered no consequences at all. Sorry, OM didn't cheat on his own, your own WW willingly sent nudie pics of herself, which are probably on the internet now, and banged him. And still wants to bang him, since she's thinking about the sex she had with him. It must have been some really hot sex.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Ok, I remember you. You posted the OM on cheaterville, but left your cheating wife off of it.
> 
> And how have you verified that there has been NC? Do you have a computer monitoring software installed? How about VARs? Or do you simply take her word for it?
> 
> ...


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## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

Your playing with fire letting her talk to the other dude. She's just using it as an excuse to have contact with him.

She knows she was used, and thrown aside by the guy. She's more upset about it than you are about what she has done to you.

These guys are being hard on you for your own good. You need to give it time. What you feel today won't be what you feel tomorrow. Try the 180. You need to find yourself, which has been lost. Then you'll know what to do. There is no pill to cure what disease you have dear. This is pain that cannot be taken back. The scar will always be there. But it can fade if given the medicine to heal. She isn't letting that happen. You must demand it once your in a better place.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> I have keyloggers, hidden cameras, Vars, Gps in car and purse.


And she's still thinking about the sex she had with OM? Your thread was back in September, and this is now December, more than enough time for any withdrawal she may have had. This went much deeper than just sex for her, she's still deep in the fog about this guy.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> So she sent nudie pics of herself to this OM.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


We both been tested.

Guess I cry a few times a week.

I've checked everything there is to check, all of this happened in a 3 day time. Became friends on facebook, (could not msg if not a friend) talked a while in chat, (he asked for pics first night, she said no) Talked a little the next day, we had fight and she went to fu(* him, was still going to leave me and talked to him for two days till he said sex was just sex and then she said she wanted us to work, Then I found out about it and she was leaving again, then kids got upset and she tried to kill herself, helped her through that, only contact she has had with him was 3 months ago infront of me when we called him about him getting std tested (before results came back on ours)

I think your right, As I said before I'm going to do the 180. Man up as you put it. No more crying infront of her, no more being needy. I may even go ahead and file, and the put a hold on it with the court. Lawyer said that would be my best option if I wanted to try to work it out. I was sure he just wanted my money but now I'm not sure he was not trying to help me.

Thanks for the input.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

OMG. What a cuckold. When your wife wonders out loud why he didn't want to be with her after he porked her rotten. TELL HER THAT EVEN A POS LIKE THE OTHER GUY DOESN'T WANT SOME ROTTEN SKANK HANGING AROUND. ESPECIALLY ONE THAT IS A CONFIRMED CHEATER. SIMPLE. Divorce her ASAP


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

madwoman said:


> Your playing with fire letting her talk to the other dude. She's just using it as an excuse to have contact with him.
> 
> She knows she was used, and thrown aside by the guy. She's more upset about it than you are about what she has done to you.
> 
> These guys are being hard on you for your own good. You need to give it time. What you feel today won't be what you feel tomorrow. Try the 180. You need to find yourself, which has been lost. Then you'll know what to do. There is no pill to cure what disease you have dear. This is pain that cannot be taken back. The scar will always be there. But it can fade if given the medicine to heal. She isn't letting that happen. You must demand it once your in a better place.


Thanks, I'm going to try it and see how it ends up. I'm going to start my list of bounderies and see where this takes me. I think for the past 18 years I've used her to build and define myself. Guess you could say that she would be my better 9/10's if in fact she was better.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Initfortheduration said:


> OMG. What a cuckold. When your wife wonders out loud why he didn't want to be with her after he porked her rotten. TELL HER THAT EVEN A POS LIKE THE OTHER GUY DOESN'T WANT SOME ROTTEN SKANK HANGING AROUND. ESPECIALLY ONE THAT IS A CONFIRMED CHEATER. SIMPLE. Divorce her ASAP


May reword it but I think I will tell her that. I'm not ready to give up on 18 years and my two kids yet, but I need to get to where I'll be ok ither way this turns out.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> We both been tested.
> 
> Guess I cry a few times a week.
> 
> ...


Sounds like a plan. Just remember the 180 is a self empowerment tool, not something to manipulate her. Its to help you get over any codependency issues you have and give you the strength to move on, with or without her. Yes filing will bring reality to her. You can always put it on hold or cancel it if she comes out of the fog and is truly remorseful and wants to commit 100% to R. But until you get her to stop trying to TT and rugsweep, she will continue to be this way.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> I see your point. I guess I'm just hoping that he would give me an excuse to beat his a$$. I posted him on cheaterville, sent a personal letter to his parents, informed his now ex-wife, sent to everyone on facebook that knew him, posted on forms where he was a member of organizations, sent to his work and to his fall back jobs, and sent to everyone of the appartments that he lives at.
> 
> Guess I was hoping he would be mad enough to start something. As I hear it he lost his job, his parents want talk to him anymore, Wife was reconsedering devorce till she found out, got kicked out organizations. And he has still yet to confront me.


Given all that you have done to him, he may want to get back at you. He could agree to see your wife in front of you. When your wife asked her questions, he would then tell her what she wanted to hear and ask her to dump you on the spot and run away with him. He would then give her a kiss in front of you, take her hand and walk away with her, smiling at you as they went to his car. He would of course later change his mind but only after he had fully made his point that you will always be number 2 in your wife's heart.

Your wife treats you like #2 because you let her (ask a preschooler what #2 is).


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

TRy said:


> Given all that you have done to him, he may want to get back at you. He could agree to see your wife in front of you. When your wife asked her questions, he would then tell her what she wanted to hear and ask her to dump you on the spot and run away with him. He would then give her a kiss in front of you, take her hand and walk away with her, smiling at you as they went to his car. He would of course later change his mind but only after he had fully made his point that you will always be number 2 in your wife's heart.
> 
> Your wife treats you like #2 because you let her (ask a preschooler what #2 is).


Then I would know for sure if I should give her any more of my time. Half the time she acts like she wants to hit him herself, but that is prob cause she's mad he didn't want nothing but sex from her. If she would go for that I would know for sure she is not worth the pain she has caused. And he would not be walking out. I would be escorted out in cuffs but he would be rolled out on a stretcher.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

As a newbiew here myself, 2 months since d-day of wifes e/a...everything folks are telling you boils down to this..DO NOT BE AFRIAD OF LOSING YOUR WIFE, BE AFRIAD OF LOSING YOUR SELF!!

Keep reading, read some more and more, read the 180, the just let them go, no mr nice guy, the mmsl, read the 5 ll, his needs her needs, womans infeldity, read others posts and what they have done, follow thier plan or make a damn good one of youre own, i took a little from everything I've read over the last month or so. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!

Do not cry in front of her, if you gotta cry,go somewhere and do it alone...I cried like a little ***** in front of mine, NEVER AGAIN! instead of acting needy I did my version of manning up...the wife has noticed it big time. I'm back to who I was,strong, confident, a little ****y..

I started working out, treadmill, weights,push ups...real stress releaver! and I feel great...went out the other night and some girls i know saw how much better I look and made some compliments, nice ego boost.

My wife is now afriad of losing me!!! she knows I dont need her, she about crapped that i had made a plan to divide all monies, all property (house)personal effects etc etc...

Once again...do not be afraid of losing her, be more afriad of losing you!


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

Dude... You're so fogged-up yourself you wouldn't be able to find a doorknob if it was right in front of you. You need to man-up and put up some strict bounderies on your wife if you want your marriage to work. C'MON, MAN!

Your wife on the other hand, is an unremorseful, unrepentent drama queen... if you can't see that already, I don't know what's going on.

Furthermore, I _did_ see the Cheaterville post, and saw nothing about your wife's own behavior during that time. One poster even commented that your wife should've been profiled there also, only to retract it because of pressure from other posters here. Well, I'm not her and I won't retract _my_ statement- Your wife was the other half of this cheating duo and deserves a profile there also. 

WAKE UP! Stop crying and pull your pants up and give her an ultimatum- Either you're ALL IN, or NOT AT ALL

!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

OMG and WTF together in one place.

First - no, you should not contact him, and she must be told that if she does it - you WILL divorce her immediately.

--
She is fishing for ways to get more contact with him. She is fishing for a way to reach and she is hoping that that the rejection of her love from before was a lie, that he now really does want her. 

She is looking to fire up the affair with him. She is hoping for a freaking romance novel moment where he declares it was all a big lie and the her did it to protect her because he really does love her sooo much.

She is lying to you when she says it's over for her.

Yes you told her to be fully truthful, but that doesn't mean that you don't get to act on the truth that's been revealed. The truth her is that she is thinking about him, she is fantasying about being with him and about sex with him. She is working through in her head how, given another chance who she can knock his socks off and how that will make him want her.

She is putting her efforts into trying to find a way to rekindle her affair, but make it work out this time.

She is doing this instead of working on your marriage and instead of you.

She's decided that you're safely back on the hook to stay with you, and she can now once again begin putting her mental and emotional energy into thinking about the OM.

Only difference is now she's trying to do it openly in front of you. She's actually of the mindset that you'll help her make contact and help arrange it, and she'll do it with your permission.

Clearly she is not in R and not working on R.

The fact that she won't really talk about things openly shows this - the fact that she thought even for a minute that her idea was sane - show's that she is so very far in to the fog still, that R is not possible.

If you put her on her own for 24hrs I bet she'd be back with him if he would have her now. 

Sorry, but the tears you a shedding are because your guy is warning you that she's not being honest about R. She's not committed to it and is not willing to do the work needed.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I read the original stuff again.

You're wife is pretty messed up. Her actions aren't just a bored wife looking for action - they are the actions of a very emotionally troubled person.

She needs a lot more than simple MC and IC. She needs some very intense psychiatric help.

She will cheat again on the current course things are going.

She might even try to kill herself again.

She is not stable, and her on going interest in the OM shows that she is still obsessing over him, and she's trying to negotiate more contact.

It think this is all showing that she really needs some major help from professionals. It seems like she has lost any ability to navigate through what is reasonable and what is totally not.

Has she seen a psychiatrist?


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Has she seen a psychiatrist?


She has and is. Also going through EMDR that seems to be helping matters a little. She has always keep things repressed because she feels like she is going to break and not be able to come back.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Should I expect her to share with me what is being talked about in her IC?


I guess you can say day one of 180 is in the books. She sent me almost 20 text about how I was being distant and that she was worried about me. She wrote down some things that she said should help me with some of my questions and wanted me to read it. I told her that I have read too many of her one day insites to why, how, when, and what's. That she should spend some more time reflecting on the truth of it and might need some more time with her IC to make sure she understands everything that she did, felt, thought. 

She asked me if I loved her because I was so distant and was not hanging on to her yesterday. I told her that "I do and I did more than anything." She asked what "I did" mean. Just told her that the love has changed with her choices, and that it could never be the blind undieing love and devotion that it was. My eyes are open now. I'm seeing things now we are going to have to fix if we are going to make a go at this. That I no longer feel that our love is strong enough to overcome any problems me might face and we are going to have to put effort into resolving problems and not trust that our love will pull us through, but that our love can help us resolve the problems if we work them out. NO more TT, NO more lies, NO more pushing things so far back that we dont deal with them and just forget till something triggers them. Then I got up and went to have a pleasent, happy night with the kids. (Even sat down and put an hour into SkyRim, witch my sister bought me the day it came out and I have never played)

This morning she got all my things together for work and as a thank you I cleaned the ice off her car. (she hates cold weather) She was running a little late and instead of following her out to the car and giving her a long kiss and a I love you so much, I told her I love you and went to finish getting ready. So starting day two of 180. It's not as bad as I thought it would be, I'm feeling better than I have since some more of the TT came out.

Still not sure on the meeting the OM yet. Almost would like to see how she handles it. If I'm waisting my time and heart.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

JustaJerk said:


> Dude... You're so fogged-up yourself you wouldn't be able to find a doorknob if it was right in front of you. You need to man-up and put up some strict bounderies on your wife if you want your marriage to work. C'MON, MAN!
> 
> Furthermore, I _did_ see the Cheaterville post, and saw nothing about your wife's own behavior during that time. One poster even commented that your wife should've been profiled there also, only to retract it because of pressure from other posters here. Well, I'm not her and I won't retract _my_ statement- Your wife was the other half of this cheating duo and deserves a profile there also.
> 
> WAKE UP! Stop crying and pull your pants up and give her an ultimatum- Either you're ALL IN, or NOT AT ALL


Ya, I'm f'ed up. I think the 180 might help me find myself and get on firmer ground.

I will post her profile there if we dont work things out. I dont want to put a wedge in the R effort if I dont have too. Not something that would after all this time seem like a get even move, or a punishment. I'm working hard on forgiving her for everything, but she is making it hard. I know she is having problems forgiving herself for alot that lead up to and the affair it's self. Or she convinced our MC of it.

I'm working on some bounderies but having problems with how they should be all about me, and whats mine without putting demands or controlling her. Controlling is the last thing I want to come accross as. Any sugestions or can someone post their list?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> Still not sure on the meeting the OM yet. Almost would like to see how she handles it. If I'm waisting my time and heart.


Seriously, you're on the fence about this??

Look, I saw the pic of the guy, he's a slime ball weasel. Seriously, not only is your wife to be called out for cheating, but to cheat with that? Eeew.

neither of you are going to get closure. none at all.

she's fishing - not for why - but for more contact. Why did he want pics?? Really this is a question she has?

And you are hoping for a chance to have a showdown and the big resolution/closure like in the movies. 

But you know what, little weasel boy isn't going to make either of your dreams come true. In fact you giving this to her, empowers her for the next thing she wants, and it also gives power back to weasel boy. It says he's still very much a presence in her head, and your marriage.

Let weasel boy rot. Btw, guys like him turn out pot bellied, bald and ugly with age. Tell her she can see him in 20 years.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

> I think the 180 might help me find myself and get on firmer ground.


Ditto.




> *I will post her profile there if we dont work things out.* I dont want to put a wedge in the R effort if I dont have too. Not something that would after all this time seem like a get even move, or a punishment. I'm working hard on forgiving her for everything, but she is making it hard.


Its not even about that. You said it yourself... "she's making it hard." I posted it before- NC means *NO* [email protected]#$CKING *CONTACT*. What part of that does she not understand???:scratchhead:




> I'm working on some bounderies but having problems with how they should be all about me, and whats mine without putting demands or controlling her. Controlling is the last thing I want to come accross as.


These are NOT control issues... these are consequences. She's pressuring and your bending to the point of breaking(see: where you're on the verge of agreeing to contact again). You need to draw a line in the sand and place STRICT bounderies, _or your walking_. She's not taking you seriously because you constantly break-down in front of her like some 5 year-old. I might sound harsh, but this what everyone has been telling you from the get-go. The thing is, I don't pull any punches. You need someone to snap you out of this funk your in, or you'll be paying for it for the rest of you life. MAN-UP!


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

JustaJerk said:


> These are NOT control issues... these are consequences. She's pressuring and your bending to the point of breaking(see: where you're on the verge of agreeing to contact again). You need to draw a line in the sand and place STRICT bounderies, _or your walking_. She's not taking you seriously because you constantly break-down in front of her like some 5 year-old. I might sound harsh, but this what everyone has been telling you from the get-go. The thing is, I don't pull any punches. You need someone to snap you out of this funk your in, or you'll be paying for it for the rest of you life. MAN-UP!


Manning up! Today was talking to a friend about next years oversea trip. Looking at cost, places I want to see, and time needed. When wife stopped by my work, I told her I had talked to him this morning and she wanted to know what we talked about. I told her about us talking about the trip and she asked if it was going to be just me going or was we going together. I told her that was more up to her than me, and I could not give a answer that was 100% till we got things right with us.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Weekend, and monday went good. She came to me and said she was scared that I would never be able to forgive her for what she did, and that I was pulling away. I explained that with all the TT she was doing that it had me really thinking we might not make it. Almost four months after the affair I'm still finding out that she is keeping things from me, or not telling me the truth at a time in our relationship that love, respect, honesty are the only things we have left. That by her still holding things back was not showing me any of them. 

Ok, so she is going to IC and says that she is getting a better understanding of what happened that night and the day before and two days after. She has always been one to put up mental blocks of things she dont want to deal with till they overwhelm her and I'm not 100% sure she has not done that with the affair. It could be that some of the things she is telling me this late are things she has just come to reallize and understand herself. 

Am I grasping? Should I be able to ask what she is going over in her IC? 

On a side note I got some Lie detector software (EX-SensePro) I have not tried it yet but I was supprized at how small it was for the cost (one week of C sessions). How should I go about asking her to use it?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

oh god, I'm not a big believer in lie detectors (professional) but they're 1000 times better than anything you buy yourself or on the internet- they're complete scams


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> I see your point. I guess I'm just hoping that he would give me an excuse to beat his a$$. I posted him on cheaterville, sent a personal letter to his parents, informed his now ex-wife, sent to everyone on facebook that knew him, posted on forms where he was a member of organizations, sent to his work and to his fall back jobs, and sent to everyone of the appartments that he lives at.
> 
> Guess I was hoping he would be mad enough to start something. As I hear it he lost his job, his parents want talk to him anymore, Wife was reconsedering devorce till she found out, got kicked out organizations. And he has still yet to confront me.


Clap...Clap...Clap...Clap...Clap....High Five


Never cry in front of your wife, it disgusts her


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> oh god, I'm not a big believer in lie detectors (professional) but they're 1000 times better than anything you buy yourself or on the internet- they're complete scams


The sheriff deptment here uses a voice analysis lie detector to help target questions. Gives them places to look. Just being on the lie detector they say they get 50% more truth from people because they are worried they will get cought in a small like that will make everything they are saying questionable. 

The sheriff's departments lie detector uses LVA (Layered Voice Analysis) The one I posted uses the same. Just a weaker algorithm I'm sure. Side by side comparison showed them to detect most of the same output. Only differance is this software will guess if it is a lie, where the Sheriff's software you have to know how to read the raw data. (3 month class, 3 day test / lab)

I'm not looking for 100% proof just a pointer to the subjects that I might want to focus on.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Ok, so she is going to IC and says that she is getting a better understanding of what happened that night and the day before and two days after. She has always been one to put up mental blocks of things she dont want to deal with till they overwhelm her and I'm not 100% sure she has not done that with the affair. It could be that some of the things she is telling me this late are things she has just come to reallize and understand herself. 

Am I grasping? Should I be able to ask what she is going over in her IC? 



Any opinions?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Are you going to counseling? You may need to especially if the two of you choose to reconcile. There would be a lot of anger on your side during the low dips on the emotional roller coaster, causing you to lash out at her and which could derail any progress in the rebuilding of your marriage.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

morituri said:


> Are you going to counseling? You may need to especially if the two of you choose to reconcile. There would be a lot of anger on your side during the low dips on the emotional roller coaster, causing you to lash out at her and which could derail any progress in the rebuilding of your marriage.


We are both going to MC, and we each have IC as well. 

I'm doing EMDR to try and even out the emotional roller coaster and get to where I can sleep at night without sweat nightmares. So far it has not worked but we have only had one EMDR setting and the rest has been going over new information.


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