# We Both Cheated - Reconcile or Divorce?



## Mindyblu (Jan 30, 2014)

I have been going through this situation with my husband for two years and now my gut says it's time to end our marriage. He refuses to give up on us. I have never discussed this with anyone and neither has he. I would greatly appreciate any feedback you have to give. Here is my short version of a long story.

Due to a minor and temporary financial setback, my husband asked for a divorce two years ago, but I didn't want to do it. Despite my attempts to reconcile, he continued to reject me. We have a small daughter, and we lived separately under the same roof for 7 months this way. Toward the end of those 7 months, he had a change of heart and admitted he never wanted to divorce me, but only to punish me for disregarding him as head of household. By that time, I had accepted his rejection and was trying to move on with another man. This other man was an old acquaintance that I hadn't seen in two years, but who also had professed his love for me about a month after my husband asked for a divorce.

We had sex one time, in September. I cut off that relationship shortly after. I decided to reconcile with my husband, but I was extremely guarded and somewhat reluctant. My husband couldn't accept giving me more time to fully accept him back, so he took comfort in another woman, a sorority member whom he met through a fraternity function a few months prior. She pursued him hard, and finally their sexual relationship began in December, and continued up to July 4th the following year, which is when I found out.

From December until July, I suspected something was wrong with him because our sex life changed. He couldn't perform. He started taking performance enhancers, making excuses, and when I confronted him, he continually denied it was another woman.

Here we are two years later, and the affair is long over, he is remorseful and has been a wonderful husband, but I still have reservations. I don't trust him anymore and I cannot get past the deceit. My emotions are a roller coaster and I feel like the only option is to leave him. He is devastated, but at the same time, he refuses to do the one thing that will make me change my mind, and that is to take a leave of absence from his fraternity position until we get back on track. Am I crazy for asking this of him?


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Mindyblu said:


> He is devastated, but at the same time, he refuses to do the one thing that will make me change my mind, and that is to take a leave of absence from his fraternity position until we get back on track. Am I crazy for asking this of him?


Crazy? No. But is it truly necessary? I think the main issue is that you have a control conflict. You want to be in charge and so does he. The bit about taking leave is symbolic of that and the person who submits effectively submits within the relationship. 

I bet that if you let him have his way here you'll see much better results in your marriage than if you keep pushing for it.


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## Mindyblu (Jan 30, 2014)

MSP said:


> Crazy? No. But is it truly necessary? I think the main issue is that you have a control conflict. You want to be in charge and so does he. The bit about taking leave is symbolic of that and the person who submits effectively submits within the relationship.
> 
> I bet that if you let him have his way here you'll see much better results in your marriage than if you keep pushing for it.


It's true, I feel like I need to do something or make him do something that makes me feel like I am in control. I feel like he hasn't suffered enough the way I have. But don't you think his reluctance to step down shows his commitment to the fraternity is more important than his commitment to our marriage?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Do you both know all about the affairs?

Are you both remorseful and std free?

Have you both gone NC with affair partners? Do you both have each others passwords and are open books?

Have you rug swept the affairs or have you set boundaries in place? 

I am sorry, but it sounds like everyone is hurting. Was his a revenge affair? 

If his affair partner is still in the picture, yes he should resign from his post. He would not want you to have contact with your AP, so he should not have contact with his AP.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Mindyblu said:


> It's true, I feel like I need to do something or make him do something that makes me feel like I am in control. I feel like he hasn't suffered enough the way I have. But don't you think his reluctance to step down shows his commitment to the fraternity is more important than his commitment to our marriage?


Good for you for admitting it. Unfortunately, I really don't think you can repair a relationship when you want to make the other person feel suffering, for any reason, warranted or not. 

It doesn't necessarily show he is more committed to the fraternity at all. That's not how men think. We think, "I like bacon. I like eggs. I'll have both!" We never think, "I wonder how the chicken would feel if I eat more bacon than eggs?"


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Oh, wait, I forgot about the bit where he met the OW at a frat meeting. If he'll be in contact with her by staying, then I think you have a solid point. But he might need to hear it from someone else, like a marriage counsellor.


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## Mindyblu (Jan 30, 2014)

harrybrown said:


> Do you both know all about the affairs?
> 
> Are you both remorseful and std free?
> 
> ...


Yes, we both know all about each others affairs. I wanted ALL the details and he willingly revealed them. I wanted to reciprocate but he had a hard time listening to it all.

Yes, we're both remorseful and STD free

Yes, we're both NC and have each others email/FB passwords 

Boundaries were established when I first discovered his affair and confronted him - we are both on the same page

He claims it wasn't a revenge affair, but I still question that. 

His affair partner is an active sorority member, so she will always be around for joint functions/events. This is my reasoning for asking him to step down for a while. They are bound to run into each other again.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Does your H know that you were involved with the OM?

You know about his infidelity, does he have the same info about yours?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Sorry...I see you just answered that.

Yes...I think he should do drop the fraternity connection until you feel safe with it.

After all, I doubt he would be comfortable if you were still involved in an activity that would possibly bring you into contact with OM.


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## Mindyblu (Jan 30, 2014)

MSP said:


> Oh, wait, I forgot about the bit where he met the OW at a frat meeting. If he'll be in contact with her by staying, then I think you have a solid point. But he might need to hear it from someone else, like a marriage counsellor.


I am 95% sure I want a divorce, but I am still 100% willing to go to MC with him. Whatever happens to our marriage, we still need counseling IMO.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

That is a lot to recover from. It may be wise to separate for 3-6 months and see if this is what you both want. ? 
MC is great and congrats to both of you for going. It helped me and my wife very much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mindyblu (Jan 30, 2014)

Fordsvt said:


> That is a lot to recover from. It may be wise to separate for 3-6 months and see if this is what you both want. ?
> MC is great and congrats to both of you for going. It helped me and my wife very much.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I totally agree. I have recently suggested that we separate for a good while, or even divorce so that we can assess our situation more clearly. I truly feel we need that separation. I am at the point where time apart is needed for me to even consider reconciliation.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Perhaps just separate for now. Without serving papers or going to war with each other. You both know what each other has done here. Take some time and assess the situation to see what direction you both want to go.


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## Mindyblu (Jan 30, 2014)

Fordsvt said:


> Perhaps just separate for now. Without serving papers or going to war with each other. You both know what each other has done here. Take some time and assess the situation to see what direction you both want to go.


I am really leaning toward this option right now.


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## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

If you separate what will be the likelyhood that one or both of you will have sex with other people? You want a divorce cut him loose don't jerk him around anymore.

You're angry because he wanted out last year and you two couldn't deal with it in a positive way. Looks to me like you haven't made any progress.

Saying that 95% of you wants a divorce but 100% of you wants counciling doesn't make much sense. Take some time to really think about what's best for your family and then act on it.

Seasalt


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