# How can I save my marriage?



## Beaches (Feb 2, 2010)

3 years ago I went through hell. My husband emotionally abandoned me. I was towards the end of my pregnancy. I gave birth not knowing whether my husband loved me. After the birth I suffered deep clinical depression due to all the misery, then 6 months later when I had regained some strength I discovered with the aid of a P.I. that he had been cheating on me since before our marriage, ie a total of 6 years. He was gone the next day, at my request. That was a big mistake on my part, because I later felt I never had closure, it all ended in a flash, we never got a chance to really talk before the whole world got involved, and I blamed myself for that, cos it should have been just me and my husband trying to work it out - if we had done that right away things might have been different. A LOT happened in between, court proceedings etc, I hated to hurt him. 18 months later he apologised for the first time and confessed I would always be the love of his life. At that point although it broke my heart (because I still cared so much about him) I wasn't interested in going back to a life with him and his family whom I had come to despise due to their actions. To complicate things more I also had feelings for a friend (who was married, I am ashamed to say - our friendship deepened after I turned to him for guidance after my separation). I knew the affair with my friend had to end and told my husband I would try to save our marriage (although I was most pessimistic). Counselling didn't help. The affair with my friend continued but is now finally over although some feelings linger. I know we are meant to cut all contact but we were friends for 10 years, and had become best friends, it is a most difficult situation. Our feelings are now finally under control and I want to get my life back on track and allow my friend to get his back on track. Although I feel like I have been using my husband to help me recover from the affair, I also thought that with my loss of desire for my husband, this might bring us closer together, his being there for me. Unfortunately nothing has seemed to work. My husband still desires me (although I question it all the time, cos I find that hard to believe after all this time) but I don't like him touching me, kissing me or anything else. I can withstand a hug as long as he doesn't ask for more, and usually even resist that because of where it might lead. I am sometimes even repulsed by him when I try to allow myself to get intimate and start thinking about what he did - that is when I literally 'jump' out of the way and have a freak out. I wish it weren't that way. I would love to have those feelings for him again so that the marriage need not end and I can give my son the family life that he deserves and possibly a brother or sister (which is always at the forefront of my mind). I have told him to be patient with me, that I need to feel close to him before I can be intimate with him again, but he rightly points out that I am stone cold and that all he wants is affection, some glimmer of hope. I don't know what to do, when he is here I slowly panic that I will be stuck with someone I'm not attracted to forever, when he is gone I miss him and feel remorseful and don't want to let go, I am driving us both mad. He wants me simply to tell him it is over, that I don't want to try, and that he will then leave me alone. I find it impossible to utter those words. Last night we were talking about things again, he was in angst, and I was laughing for crying out loud! I even laughed during counselling but the counsellor saw through my defence mechanism. So last night he yelled it at me, that I am stressing him out, that it is over cos he can't take it anymore, and even to prepare the divorce papers. I don't blame him. I have become stone cold but only with him and only in his presence - when he is not there I am remorseful. I don't think I can overcome my feelings of betrayal and abandonment from 3 years ago, I feel that his affair and dishonesty irreparably damaged any chance we had. I don't respect him. But I'll never stop loving him. 

Can someone make any sense of this? Is my reaction to my husband normal when someone cheats? Is he reasonable in making demands on me (for affection)? I thought these things take time, but how much time? It has been months although complicated by other factors until recently. I would just really appreciate some perspectives. I feel I want to finally let him go for his own sanity cos I will only keep him on my merry-go-round.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think you need to go to personal counseling. You know what your H did. You know what you need from him. What you don't know is why you can or cannot deal with him. Find a good psychologist.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Your situation is quite complicated because you then entered in to an affair with a married man. I think you have guilt over that situation as well as getting over the pain of it being done to you. 

I'm not sure why you want to save the marriage. I think you need to answer that. It sounds like you loved him once, and you loved the man you THOUGHT he was but he was cheating the entire marriage. He never respected the marriage, so why would he now and he abandoned you when you needed him most. Is it for your son? That's not a good enough reason and your son deserves his mother to be happy. Kids are resilient. Be good co-parents then but don't stay married this unhappy, its unfair to him. 

Either way you have to cut all contact with this OM. He is not available. Its not fair to anyone at all. 

I do understand the anger, frustration, despair, and yes even repulsion you feel. I think those are normal feelings. The question remains though do you want to save the marriage for the right reasons and do you really still love him or love what you used to have? (or thought you had, remember that too was a lie because he was cheating then). 

My H doesn't understand why that time he was cheating, the happy moments for me (when I didn't know) are a lie. I won't display pictures, I won't talk about those as happy memories. Yes, they were happy at the time but he was cheating so it wasn't real. I can't imagine the whole marriage being that way. I'd kick his sorry butt to the curb. 

This is a very tough situation, and I would encourage you to get some support. For me, during the toughest/darkest moments I found a Single Mom's Group (just googled in my area and God was watching out for me found some wonderfully supportive ladies) and that showed me the light at the tunnel. You need that support too. I also suggest some personal counseling as it sounds like you are confused (as you should be) and it will help you to work through these painful emotions.


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