# separation is next



## lostinnyc (Nov 7, 2013)

I am all new to this. Me and my wife have been married for 20 years and have been together for almost 24 years. I am 50 and my wife is 48. We have 3 children. 

Where to begin. My wife has been telling me for years she has not been happy. There have been times where she has said she rather been alone than married. A few weeks ago she said that we should separate because she doesn't love me anymore and our marriage is basically over. It is beyond repair. she wants to be alone. I asked her why and she cant give me a straight answer. She tells me it just happens when you are together for a long time. She is not cheating because I have someone to follow her and have access to her email and texts.

We have had a good marriage where there was always a lot of love and affection but because of financial problems over the past few years and we are currently in bankruptcy might have put her over the edge. I have not made the best financial decisions but I made them with the best interest for the family. I invested in a private equity fund that I worked at but the company when down and closed up losing my investment and job. I found a new job but the income was not the same and had a hard time with bills. 

I have always shown affection to my wife with hugs and kisses and we were very intimate 3 to 4 times a week. The past year or so all of that stopped gradually where there is no more affection at all. the only time we were intimate in the past year was when she went out with her friends and got drunk and was horny. 

I have never cheated on her or hit her or disrespected her. I have always been there for her when she needed me during the good and bad times. Miscarriages, still birth, etc.

Yesterday we argued because I wanted to discuss the separation and have a plan about what to expect with everything from us and with expenses and the kids. She works but she doesn't make much. She there is no plan and we don't need to discuss anything we just go our separate ways and live our own lives and see what happens down the road. She said I just want to be alone and I cant promise anything in the future. Right now I don't love you and I don't want to be with you. In my eyes our marriage is over at this moment. We only need to talk if necessary about the kids or important things . She said I don't need to tell you what I am doing. I don't need to answer to you. All I just wanted was for us to talk during this time on occasion to see how everything was going and we stood as a family. She doesn't want a divorce. She is staying the home and I am getting a apartment because it is easier for the kids. 

I am just lost at words. I have known she felt this way for awhile and I even suggestion a counselor but she said it is too late. Maybe she is having a midlife crisis. All her friends are married. She likes to go out and hang out with her friends.

We still do share the same bed with no affection but we hardly to talk to each other in the house except when it is something to do with the house, food or the kids. There is no hello, goodbye or have a nice day. 

Even out in public together like at my older sons football game she hardly talks to me. she talks to everyone else . Her sister said that she is delusional and has no idea what she is doing and she is making a mistake.

I have even have tried to rekindle romance but like going out to dinner, flowers, movie just hopefully to spark the love that we had. My counselor said give her space and see what happens. sometimes being apart might bring it back. I just feel it is hard since we have had no affection or real love for a long time. I think it will be hard to get that back. We sit in different rooms because she tells me we have nothing to talk about. I am making a effort but she is totally blocking me out. I also do a lot around the house for her like get lunch for the kids in morning and do laundry, clean up after the kids and dishes if there are in sink and help kids with homework (which she doesn't at all). I am the one who gets up earlier to get them 

I don't want my marriage to end but at the same time I am being realistic that we might not be together again. 

Any advice out there will be helpful and what my outlook might look like if anyone has gone through the same issue. I truly think she is going through a midlife crisis but I am not waiting for her once I move out. I am also starting to do the 180 on her as well.

Thanks all for listening.


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## MisterRitter (Sep 1, 2012)

Well, my first take is that she has gradually separated herself from you and the marriage. (Not placing blame on you or her here, but for whatever reason you two have grown apart). And now she has found someone else. I am sure my opinion has been colored by my own experience, but I have read this same story again and again on this forum, and it always leads to the same place. The wife asks out of the marriage to an unsuspecting husband because she has found someone else. 

She has been telling you for years that she is not happy, but hasn't done anything so drastic. But, something drove this drastic reaction. She can't give you an answer because she is ashamed of what she has done or doesn't want to hurt you more.

Hopefully I am wrong and you guys can work it out if you both desire it, but think about the possibility. Good luck to you.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Lost

Go speak to an attorney. Get the answers you need about separation and divorce.

Why not hand her D papers and tell her to move on and move out.

She wants her freedom so give it to her.

Then sit back and watch.

Divorces take months.

HM


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

These three paragraphs spoke to me... as I would be the "wife" that has also displayed this behavior.(except separate bedrooms).

I am sorry you are here. Are you able to speak about just "what" she has been unhappy about for years? Why did the silent treatment go on for months? Did you ever bring it up?

That might be the key to getting your answers. Bringing it up YOURSELF, not asking her to once again tell you. It's good you are now ready to listen. Make the first move?

My wife has been telling me for years she has not been happy. 

I have always shown affection to my wife with hugs and kisses and we were very intimate 3 to 4 times a week. The past year or so all of that stopped gradually where there is no more affection at all. 
We still do share the same bed with no affection but we hardly to talk to each other in the house except when it is something to do with the house, food or the kids. There is no hello, goodbye or have a nice day.


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## lostinnyc (Nov 7, 2013)

deejov, I have tried to speak with her many times but her answer is always the same. she doesn't know why she no longer loves me. She feels we have grown apart over the past few years and we have nothing to talk about. She gets mad so I don't bring up the issues.

MisterRitter, she doesn't have someone else because I have had someone follow her for a few months. She is just unhappy and I wish I knew why. She just wants to be alone. I am very good friends with her sister and her sister told me that she is not thinking straight and she is not seeing anyone or cheating. We have many the same friends it would be very hard.

I know the finances have played a big part in all of this and not able to do thing with the family and kids. With the bankruptcy it even puts us in a tougher situation. I take some of the blame because I was more worried about the money and house than my family and sometimes never showed her the real appreciation she needed or took her for granted. We always showed each other affection but she told me that there is more to a relationship than just having sex which she told me was always great. 

We grew apart I feel because we stopped doing things together and me and her sitting in separate rooms I feel made us grow farther apart. I think I took things for granted. I was always stressed out about my job, money and the home and I think I forgot the most important things which was my family.

I tried to explain to her about of this and that I am changing but I feel she thinks its too late.

I am just lost.


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