# What's your take on how paying on dates should work?



## dennisg1 (Jun 5, 2017)

I've been seeing someone for some months now, and it's someone I see with long term potential; she checks off a lot of the boxes.

I don't mind paying and I always usually pay on first dates and even dates after when we're still getting to know each other but one thing I found strange about her is she doesn't always say "thank you" or at least offer to pay (even though I would decline her offer if she did). She does say "thank you" but it's usually met after I say something like "how did you like the food?", and she should then say "oh, it was good. thank you".

I know she's a good hearted person just based on what I've seen so far and discussions we've had but just found this strange; especially, since I was so used to my ex-wife saying "thank you" for every little thing, she was on the other side of the spectrum and I definitely don't need to hear it that often but a small appreciation, especially, if we go out to a nice restaurant goes a long way.

I guess one aspect of my ex-wife that was good, is we had a good compromise on paying for things; sometimes I would pay, sometimes she would pay...it felt more balanced.

I've been on dates where I would buy dinner/drinks when we were sitting at a table and then we would move over to the bar and the girl would insist on paying for drinks; which I thought was always a very nice gesture.

Out of all the times we've gone out so far, which is a lot, I pay for everything. I can recall exactly 2 times she paid; movie tickets and tickets to a museum, and both occasions I thanked her. She doesn't come from money and finishing up school now, so I don't mind paying I guess I could just be over thinking this but maybe wished she was a bit more appreciative instead of it feeling like it's expected that I pay for everything, because it's not like I'm rolling in money either! Lol. 

I've tried thinking of ways to discuss this with her in a nice way, without her taking it the wrong way but don't know exactly what I can say. Like hey, you don't say thank you very much for all the nice places/gifts/dinners we've had; huh? Lol.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, me being a neanderthal man, I think the guy should pay for the most part, esp. after the first meeting/date (although not opposed to having her pay for some things at all). HOWEVER, it is perfectly normal to expect some sort of appreciation -- that's just common courtesy. Unfortunately, courtesy seems to be in rare supply these days.

Could you approach it like this?
Hey, I was wondering if you are ok with me paying for dinners and stuff since you seem kind of uncomfortable sometimes. You don't seem to acknowledge it, and I though maybe that is was making you uncomfortable?

May NOT work either though....


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Or - he could be honest and share how it makes _him_ uncomfortable.



jlg07 said:


> Could you approach it like this?
> 
> Hey, I was wondering if you are ok with me paying for dinners and stuff since you seem kind of uncomfortable sometimes. You don't seem to acknowledge it, and I though maybe that is was making you uncomfortable?.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@minimalME, the only thing is if he approaches it with the "it makes me uncomfortable that you don't say thank you" it may put her on the defensive.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It may be a non issue over time if a true ltr develops. 

If she is and gets on the defensive - that she'll remember forever and it has potential to turn into a quick negative. 

Personally I'd expect to pay and not let it bother me. It never did, doesn't now. I understand not all are the same way though. One has to choose their own path.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm sort of a fan of inviting people on dates that are inexpensive enough that you don't really care about paying. 

If you feel that she is in any way taking advantage of you, you can certainly stop inviting her. That might be an indication of her general selfishness. 

You can be bit subtle. "I love eating at "Le Pricier" but I don't want to give the impression that I can afford to go here all the time, I'm not that rich".


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## dennisg1 (Jun 5, 2017)

Yeah, I do want to bring it up just want to see what approach is best. 

I saw an old picture on IG with a guy and asked her who that was and she said it was an old date she went on, so that sparked conversation about old dates and I asked her why it didn't work out with him. She said that he was super cheap, for example, when the bill came at the end of the night on their first date he made a face like it was pricey, where she then said is it a lot and he was like "kinda yeah", and she's like I have no problem splitting it and they ended up splitting the bill. Another story she told me is he invited her to a baseball game but he made her buy her own ticket, that's crazy I would never invite someone to something and except them to pay their own way; especially a date...so needless to say it didn't work out because she found him to be really cheap, but she did mention she had no issues splitting the bill with him. 

So I guess my issue is if she doesn't have an issue with splitting bills, I guess it just doesn't occur to her to at least offer to pay when we're out together; maybe I have to try making the "kinda pricey" face too. Lol.

I wouldn't say it makes me feel "uncomfortable" per se, but more of a "taken advantage" type of feeling.

One co-worker mentioned that I should try take the light hearted joking/sarcastic approach and just say "Oh, you're welcome" to kind of trigger her response of saying of I forgot to say "Thank you". Lol.

I was also thinking of maybe even trying to be a little blunt about it like, "do you mind getting this round since I got dinner?". I just don't want to feel like it should always fall on me paying, all the time.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

dennisg1 said:


> I've been seeing someone for some months now, and it's someone I see with long term potential; she checks off a lot of the boxes.
> 
> I don't mind paying and I always usually pay on first dates and even dates after when we're still getting to know each other but one thing I found strange about her is she doesn't always say "thank you" or at least offer to pay (even though I would decline her offer if she did). She does say "thank you" but it's usually met after I say something like "how did you like the food?", and she should then say "oh, it was good. thank you".
> 
> ...


Before I give you advice, could you clarify a one thing? I noticed you mentioned she's finishing school. Is there a big age difference between the two of you? What's her age?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

dennisg1 said:


> I've been seeing someone for some months now, and it's someone I see with long term potential; she checks off a lot of the boxes.
> 
> I don't mind paying and I always usually pay on first dates and even dates after when we're still getting to know each other but one thing I found strange about her is she doesn't always say "thank you" or at least offer to pay (even though I would decline her offer if she did). She does say "thank you" but it's usually met after I say something like "how did you like the food?", and she should then say "oh, it was good. thank you".
> 
> ...


You're getting a front row seat into what your life would be like if you married her.

Do you like what that looks like?


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## dennisg1 (Jun 5, 2017)

@Lila we're 8 years apart; she's 31 and I'm 39. 

Her parents don't have a lot of money so back in the day she was in school plus working part-time but couldn't afford school and helping her parents out too after her father got laid off; so she went back to working full-time and dropped school. I guess things are better financially now, and she only has a handful of credits left to finish her bachelors and she's actually getting some help from another family member now, financially, so she can finally finish. 

This kind of tugs on my heart strings, I was very fortunate enough that my parent's were able to afford college and I was able to graduate and start working right after. She has definitely had a lot harder time, financially, and needed to do things more on her own, which is quality I admire in her. It would be a different scenario if the girl I was seeing was well off financially and never paid for anything or offered to pay, but since she has had a harder upbringing, I don't mind paying until she gets established in her career but that's where I wish there was some more appreciation/gratitude from her since I don't believe she has the finances to do it now.

I notice she's very frugal with money; which I guess is a good/bad thing, like she doesn't like all those designer expensive items and when she goes shopping she's always looking for the best deal / uses coupons. I go over her apt and I get a bag of chips to snack on (haha) she comes by me and I have a ton of food that I buy just in case she's hungry.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

dennisg1 said:


> @Lila we're 8 years apart; she's 31 and I'm 39.
> 
> Her parents don't have a lot of money so back in the day she was in school plus working part-time but couldn't afford school and helping her parents out too after her father got laid off; so she went back to working full-time and dropped school. I guess things are better financially now, and she only has a handful of credits left to finish her bachelors and she's actually getting some help from another family member now, financially, so she can finally finish.
> 
> ...


If she's in her 30s then she should recognize the importance of gratitude. I think she just may be clueless in that department. 

Your situation may be resolved by telling her exactly what you wrote above - how much you respect her for being a strong person after such a difficult life, and how much you appreciate she's not frivolous but instead frugal and smart with her money - but then let her know that gratitude goes a long way in making you feel valued in the relationship. Tell her that her making the effort to pay for stuff every once in a while makes you feel that she really likes spending time with you for you not because you can pay for her stuff. 

It's worth a shot. B


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

dennisg1 said:


> Yeah, I do want to bring it up just want to see what approach is best.
> 
> I saw an old picture on IG with a guy and asked her who that was and she said it was an old date she went on, so that sparked conversation about old dates and I asked her why it didn't work out with him. She said that he was super cheap, for example, when the bill came at the end of the night on their first date he made a face like it was pricey, where she then said is it a lot and he was like "kinda yeah", and she's like I have no problem splitting it and they ended up splitting the bill. Another story she told me is he invited her to a baseball game but he made her buy her own ticket, that's crazy I would never invite someone to something and except them to pay their own way; especially a date...so needless to say it didn't work out because she found him to be really cheap, but she did mention she had no issues splitting the bill with him.
> 
> ...


The bolded part- that can go over like a ton of bricks, depending upon the person. If I remind my wife she didn't say "thank you" for anything... not something for me, but could be just simple courtesy for (or as) a cashier... ouch. 

Forgetting or not thinking it's important to say "Thank you" is not that uncommon. At least not anymore. It's kind of funny how much easier I have it in France because it's kind of mandatory to say "sil vous plait" ("Thank you" in French) after most anything, at the time of request. So, if ordering a pasty, you would say "I would like a pastry, thank you" (but in French, of course!). If you don't, it's considered downright rude.

OK, here's another question. She's in school? How old are each of you? Oh, never mind, answered previously, 31 & 39. That's enough of an age difference, at that stage in life, to create a bit of a different footing for each of you. She's looking for stability; you're presumed to have found it.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Very true. 

I haven't read the other comments yet, but I think if a person has expectations like this, perhaps it would be a good discussion to have before you even ask someone out?

I mean, to me, you just don't see money/dating the same way. 

She doesn't consistently offer to pay, and she doesn't consistently say 'thank you' - in a way that makes you feel valued. 

She's showing you who she is, yes?

But then you fish around and prompt her for the gratitude you're looking for?

When I was dating, I initated this coversation a few times, because I didn't want the awkward staring at the check at the end of a meal. 

Every single man I asked made it clear that they expected to cover everything, but it was nice to have it out of the way.

Personally, I was looking for a more traditional relationship, so I preferred men who were more provider/protector, and I was always super grateful for their generosity and said so. 



jlg07 said:


> @minimalME, the only thing is if he approaches it with the "it makes me uncomfortable that you don't say thank you" it may put her on the defensive.


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## dennisg1 (Jun 5, 2017)

@Lila thanks...that could be a good approach to take!

It's funny, she has no problem saying "thank you" often to the waiter/waitress or any other scenario where a "thank you" is needed with a stranger. And I can't say she never says "thank you" to me but it feels like she might also have that provider/protector type mentality where the guy paying is expected and doesn't need a "thank you" as often. 

Yes, I guess in the end it just comes down to feeling valued.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Who does the asking out? Are you the one who always asks her out? Or does she ask you out as well? If she also asks you out, about what percentage of times does she ask?

What I think is a good way to handle dating is that the person who asks out pays for that date unless you make agree otherwise, for that date.

That way if you incomes of very different, the lower income person is not left in the situation where they cannot pay 1/2 of dinner at a high priced restaurant. Instead, they can later ask you on a date that they can afford. I like the idea of both people taking the opportunity to treat each other.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

dennisg1 said:


> @Lila we're 8 years apart; she's 31 and I'm 39.
> 
> Her parents don't have a lot of money so back in the day she was in school plus working part-time but couldn't afford school and helping her parents out too after her father got laid off; so she went back to working full-time and dropped school. I guess things are better financially now, and she only has a handful of credits left to finish her bachelors and she's actually getting some help from another family member now, financially, so she can finally finish.
> 
> ...


Ah, ok. That's kind of different.

"Hey babe, I totally don't mind paying for our date nights, but I do want to know that you appreciate them. Do you?"


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## dennisg1 (Jun 5, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Who does the asking out? Are you the one who always asks her out? Or does she ask you out as well? If she also asks you out, about what percentage of times does she ask?
> 
> What I think is a good way to handle dating is that the person who asks out pays for that date unless you make agree otherwise, for that date.
> 
> That way if you incomes of very different, the lower income person is not left in the situation where they cannot pay 1/2 of dinner at a high priced restaurant. Instead, they can later ask you on a date that they can afford. I like the idea of both people taking the opportunity to treat each other.


Yes, I usually ask her out or I'll be like "what do you want to do this weekend?"; she's an indecisive person so it's usually me throwing out ideas of things to do. But she's the type of person that can either stay in or go out and enjoy both equally; but I think it's cool sharing experiences so I try to find things to do. Like I see a broadway show that I think both of us will enjoy, and I don't mind paying for it because we are at different income levels but it just comes back to the appreciation/gratitude side of it.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I'm totally old fashioned and haven't had to date in 25+ years...

If a guy ask me out then I think he'd pay but I wouldn't mind splitting if I made more money. Or paying if I invited him. I guess I've never been in that kind of ackward situation. I often times would cook a nice meal which I paid for the ingredients and made the meal. 

I don't remember if I ever specifically thanked a guy for paying.

I find it odd that you say you enjoy her company and don't mind paying but you are hung up on specifically getting thanked.

While I frequently thank my husband for nice things he does. I'm sure there are some things I don't thank him for. I'm sure there are things he doesn't thank me for. I made dinner tonight (we both work). I didn't get a thank you.

For me we just enjoy each others company and don't worry about that. If that is very important to you I'm not sure that's something that going to change. You can force a person to be thankful. I also think if most of the conversations suggested here was had early in my relationship I'd be out. It kinda sounds like a petulant child going " you didn't thank me" (foot stomp foot stomp).

Hope you two work it out though. I'd definitely think on how you approach it if you claim you really like her. Perhaps you really like part of her and she isn't really a good fit for you.

I should clarify. Maybe she an ungrateful brat. But then again why would you want to date that. Just seems like incompatibility and something like this is more likely to build long term resentment. It's early in the relationship. Just move on.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Anastasia6 said:


> While I frequently thank my husband for nice things he does. I'm sure there are some things I don't thank him for. I'm sure there are things he doesn't thank me for. I made dinner tonight (we both work). I didn't get a thank you.


Not even a mention of it being a nice meal, or that he enjoyed something? I would think it a bit odd not to thank the cook, whomever it is, assuming the meal isn't terrible. 

But as I implied, just saying "thank you"- the words themselves really shouldn't be as special as the sentiment. And the sentiment can be expressed in ways other than saying "thank you." 

Regarding who pays the bill, I'm really glad to see women are comfortable enough to let someone else foot the bill without expectations in return. I don't think that's come up once in this thread. I knew guys (jerks) who really thought a woman owed him something if they spend a lot of $$$ on a date. Glad that's not a thing anymore. For context, I'm 63.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

How long have you been dating? Are you officially a couple or still just “dating”? Is she dating other guys? Are you guys sleeping together? If you don’t ask her out or make plans does she?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Next time she pays for something (hopefully it will not be too long)--even chips--be effusive in your gratitude. Repeat. If she springs for something biggish, get her a thank you card.

Do you get her gifts--flowers, cards, anything special? Does she express gratitude for that? 

Should she thank you for something, carry on about how good it feels when she appreciates you like that. Give extra hugs, shoulder rubs, etc. 

Psychology 101--give positive feedback to get repeat performance.


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## RubyRing (Jun 13, 2016)

Casual Observer said:


> It's kind of funny how much easier I have it in France because it's kind of mandatory to say "sil vous plait" ("Thank you" in French) after most anything, at the time of request. So, if ordering a pasty, you would say "I would like a pastry, thank you" (but in French, of course!). If you don't, it's considered downright rude.
> 
> ******************************
> Not to be nit-picky but "sil vous plait" is actually "If you please" in French. "Merci" is thank you in French.


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## RubyRing (Jun 13, 2016)

Perhaps you could start finding free things to do. Are there any free concerts or art gallery openings where you live ?

Or tell her you would like to spend an evening in and have a nice home cooked meal. (cooked by her).

Or just start asking her to pay for some portion (splitting right down the middle or each paying for exactly what they eat smacks of score keeping so I would not do that). Perhaps asking her to leave the tip at a meal, or buy the snacks at the movie since you purchase the tickets. 

I am married now, when I was dating I would offer to pay a portion (may I leave the tip ?) or just reach for my wallet if it was a first meet and greet from online dating. No man ever took me up on that offer but I think they appreciated the offer.

My hubby wouldn't let me pay a dime for a long time. The ONLY way he would let me pay is if it was some sort of freebie that I got such as movie tickets from work, comp live theater tickets that I would often get, etc. He even laughed and said it was "cute" that I wanted to pay, and then said "I'm wooing my baby, let me".

We've been together 5 years now, married for 3, so at this point he's not doing all the paying. Generally, whoever has the idea to do something pays. We have a joint account specifically set aside for road trips. We used to each contribute an equal amount, but when his car was in need of HUGE repairs, he bought a new car. Since all of our road trips are in his car and he does ALL of the driving on our road trips and he now has a monthly car payment, I put ALL of the money in the travel account. He flies, I buy.

I'm pretty conscientious about saying "thank you". I always thank him for doing all the driving and planning for our vacations. I thank him most of the time for all the stuff he does around the house, I would say I have about an 80% thank you rate. Over the years, those every day tasks done on a regular basis, it just seems understood that it is appreciated. I'm not offended if he doesn't thank me for every single meal I make . (or say that it was good)


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

dennisg1 said:


> I've been seeing someone for some months now, and it's someone I see with long term potential; she checks off a lot of the boxes.
> 
> I don't mind paying and I always usually pay on first dates and even dates after when we're still getting to know each other but one thing I found strange about her is she doesn't always say "thank you" or at least offer to pay (even though I would decline her offer if she did). She does say "thank you" but it's usually met after I say something like "how did you like the food?", and she should then say "oh, it was good. thank you".
> 
> ...


I can see the two options, that she takes it for granted, or is lightly embarrassed. 

If she is insecue, saying thank you will draw attention to it. I am from a place and generation that meant I was blown away when women said a proper sorry when they had done something wrong, but that was the insecurity of where I was from.

I like the advice on here. If you make her a nice meal and still do not get a thank you, gently call her out on it. Bear in mind that you are gossiping about her on the internet. Fine to help, but being upfront is best.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Casual Observer said:


> Not even a mention of it being a nice meal, or that he enjoyed something? I would think it a bit odd not to thank the cook, whomever it is, assuming the meal isn't terrible.
> 
> But as I implied, just saying "thank you"- the words themselves really shouldn't be as special as the sentiment. And the sentiment can be expressed in ways other than saying "thank you."
> 
> Regarding who pays the bill, I'm really glad to see women are comfortable enough to let someone else foot the bill without expectations in return. I don't think that's come up once in this thread. I knew guys (jerks) who really thought a woman owed him something if they spend a lot of $$$ on a date. Glad that's not a thing anymore. For context, I'm 63.


The rules do change dramatically by generation and country.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

If this was me, since you foresee it to be a LTR, I would just keep my trap shut.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*The American standard has always seemed to be that the guys pay, with few exceptions! Always has been since the 1970's! And undoubtedly was long before that!

I'm not exactly a hardline supporter of that custom, in that while it does stroke my ego to pay, I am equally flattered if my female counterparts occasionally step up to the plate and contribute to the dating effort also!

But that's just me!*


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> *The American standard has always seemed to be that the guys pay, with few exceptions! Always has been since the 1970's! And undoubtedly was long before that!
> 
> I'm not exactly a hardline supporter of that custom, in that while it does stroke my ego to pay, I am equally flattered if my female counterparts occasionally step up to the plate and contribute to the dating effort also!
> 
> But that's just me!*


We must live on different planets but in a country with same name. In the 80s, I paid for dates.


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## hilariouslaughter (Jan 15, 2020)

I don't think there's a hard and fast rule, thought I think both should contribute.

I DO know that once someone starts doing math, the relationship is over.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Spicy said:


> If this was me, since you foresee it to be a LTR, I would just keep my trap shut.




I agree. I think there are some red flags that he needs to watch out for and further investigate but asking someone to split the bill is weird to me. I think it’s fine to ask her to leave the tip though.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> I agree. I think there are some red flags that he needs to watch out for and further investigate but asking someone to split the bill is weird to me. I think it’s fine to ask her to leave the tip though.


When I was dating if my date tried to pay or suggested splitting the bill I would insist on paying myself but I would tell her if she wanted to she could leave a tip. 
This wasn’t so much to get out of paying the tip but more to see how much should would leave. If she left five bucks on a hundred dollars tab then that told me a lot about her that would have taken a lot longer to learn otherwise. 
In my humble opinion how someone treats somebody who they consider beneath them speaks volumes.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

RubyRing said:


> Casual Observer said:
> 
> 
> > It's kind of funny how much easier I have it in France because it's kind of mandatory to say "sil vous plait" ("Thank you" in French) after most anything, at the time of request. So, if ordering a pasty, you would say "I would like a pastry, thank you" (but in French, of course!). If you don't, it's considered downright rude.
> ...


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