# Wife lost all feelings for me



## Rohdanielson (Aug 10, 2015)

Well, where to begin...

My wife and I have been together for 10 years, married for 7. We started dating when I was 20 and she was 16. For the first half of our relationship, it was magical. Then, for whatever reason, my depression as a teenager started creeping bacn into my life, worse than ever before.

This of course let to me being depressed, stressed, angry all the time. We would fight, and over the years the would just continue to escalate. I was a horrible husband now that I look back. I was verbally abusive, talked bad about her to our friends to boost my own self esteem. She knew how much I still loved her and pushed for me to go to therapy.

I finally started going in January, and it has really helped. I'm not as angry or depressed anymore with talking to my therapist and medication that I am on.

Unfortunately, we seperated about 3 months ago for 3 weeks. We had a big blow up fight when I was angry and drunk (mixing alcohol, antidepressants, and anti-anxiety medication no good). So she left to stay at a friends house for a couple of weeks to sort things out and needed space.

I tried giving her space, but like most weak men in that state, still tried to initiate conversation. She felt bad and came back, not wanting to see me upset since she never meant to hurt me.

We started going to marriage counseling since she got back and thought we were making great progress. Then I found out she slept with a mutual friend twice while she was gone. I wasn't mad at her for it, in fact, I expected it.

As hard as it was, I have forgiven her for cheating, since we were seperated and agreed not to see anyone else.

Now on Wednesday she tells me that she's not in love with me anymore, and neither finds me emotionally or physically attractive anymore.
She said it's been progressing for a while but was too afraid to admit it to me.

She came back to see if there was anything still there, which I believe there is from the way we acted when she first came back. I plan on going to stay with a friend this week to let her sort it out, I'm just confused. 

After all the years of abuse, she's put a wall up around her heart. She admits that she sees me changing for the better and still loves and cares about me. I'm at a point where I really don't know what to do, all I know is that I've never wanted anything more than my wife and I to have the relationship we never had.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

"(mixing alcohol, antidepressants, and anti-anxiety medication no good)." What is the source of your depression? I'd be careful on the SSRIs and Benzos. Have you done your homework on these meds? Have you tried cognitive therapy w/out meds?

DUDE


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## Rohdanielson (Aug 10, 2015)

I do cognitive therapy every other week (the other we're both there). Currently I'm on 300mg of Wellburtin and .5mg of Klonopin. I've tried SSRI's, but they seem to make me more depressed when I would take them. And I tried a bunch of different ones (zoloft, paxil, too many to think of), always the same result. The Wellbutrin at this level seems to keep me in check.


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## Rohdanielson (Aug 10, 2015)

The source of my depression I'm not so sure about. I was left alone a lot as a kid, as both my parents worked 2 jobs, and as soon as puberty hit, so did the depression. Personally, I think it's a mix of my past as a child and a chemical imbalance.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Brother, have you considered that your acceptance of her cheating made you seem even more weak and unattractive? She kicked you while you were down and you're willing to forgive/forget? That may seem noble on the surface, but subconsciously it reveals you don't expect better (at least to me).

I understand you want this relationship. You probably think it will make you whole again. Maybe now that you're healing your self esteem will improve and you'll realize that you don't have to take this kind of treatment and that you were destined for better. 

I recommend putting this relationship on hold to work on where you need to be. If after a bit you want to reconsider the relationship, then do some from a healthy position of strength and "want," and not from a position of dire need and co-dependancy.


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

You dont mention kids. You say everything is your fault and are surprised she wants to leave. I am sure that isnt exactly true. It must also be her fault somewhere. You dont seem to have much choice. There doesnt seem to be a way to win her back if that is what you want. 
Do you both work. I think you have to move on.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Rohdanielson said:


> The source of my depression I'm not so sure about. I was left alone a lot as a kid, as both my parents worked 2 jobs, and as soon as puberty hit, so did the depression. Personally, I think it's a mix of my past as a child and a chemical imbalance.


Got it...Yeah if there is no kids probably best to move on and work on you!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Klonopin (and all other benzos) are deadly. Almost impossible to come off of. .5mg of Klonopin is equivalent to 10mg of Valium (1 mg Klonopin = 20 mg Valium)

You need to get off this hot mess of a drug. Do a slow taper -- it will take you about 6 months to come off that dosage. If you doubt my word, Google "Benzodiazepine Withdrawal H*ll" (thousands of videos and testimonials) or go to www dot benzobuddies dot org.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

This sounds like a case of "too little, too late". 

She may have thought she should at least try to R with you, but after the 3 weeks without the drama and then sleeping with a (new, exciting, different) man who she didn't have a decade of bad memories with (which are fresh in her mind), it may have been enough to make her decide she should just start over. 

It may be best to just let her go and work on yourself.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

The separation was to test drive the single life. She quickly banged at least 1 guy that you know of and now has the confidence to leave you. With no kids, you should just let her go. I know it will hurt after the long history together but she has no nostalgic feelings about the relationship. She's looking forward to new sex partners.

My advice, is for you to work on yourself. I sense a lot of co-dependency in you. Woman see that as being weak and needy. They hate that. In order to move forward with your life, you'll need to strengthen your inner and outer self. Get yourself to the gym to rebuild your body, pursue additional training to up your income. Start reading some good books to strengthen your mind. Get on your knees to ask God for strength, wisdom, and inner peace. You get the idea. Try to see this as an opportunity to start over. There is a new life waiting. You determine whether it will be better or not.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

Don't go cold turkey off the benzos. That can be fatal. 

Check out the "man up" thread in the men's clubhouse for what makes men attractive. If you've been depressed and needy, that would really kill attraction for a lot of women. 

Force yourself to go to the gym and lift. That will counteract depression and help you feel positive. Embark on a path of self-improvement. Become a more awesome version of yourself. Whether you stay married or not, you'll benefit.


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## Rohdanielson (Aug 10, 2015)

Figured I'd give everybody an update.

1) the guy she slept with was not someone she just met, he was unfortunately a friend of mine who formed an emotional bond with her that we were lacking.

2) as far my depression goes, it's been on an upswing since figuring out some things in therapy. It's mainly a fear of being alone. As a kid, probably 8-14 I was alone most of the time, seeing as my parents worked either at night or two jobs. Once I realized that, the depression lifted, not gone but lifted. I've been happier, positive and more confident in myself.

3) we saw our marriage counselor tonight. Talked with my wife for a good 20 minutes, then we switched and I did the same. When we came together, we had a mutual agreement that we would seperate. Seperate to not date other people, but to work on ourselves since we never took the time to heal from the relationship breakdown. We're going to continue to live together for a couple months to get all of our debt and bills down. My wife did say that wasn't the only reason, and did want to see who I am becoming.

Now I know some people will say it's naive of me to be put into a situation like this, but our therapist and both of us agreed that a slower transition is better than her just packing her bags and leaving.


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## Rohdanielson (Aug 10, 2015)

And just one more thing to add. Yes going to the gym and working out boosts your esteem and increases you're initial attraction of a possible mate. To me, that's shallow thinking and more concerned about yor physical looks then your're inner self. Real women are more attracted to confidence in who you are, no matter what you look like. Personally, I'm comfortable with my body at this point in my life, and I believe going to the gym is in a sense, a cop out.

I need to work on my inner self. My self esteem, jealousy, anger, codependency . Those are the traits I have to work on while we go through this seperation.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

Your therapist is an idiot. Not all therapists know what they are doing. Your wife...soon to be ex wife if you listen to your therapist is already dating and screwing another man. 

She already has feeling for him and will not stop. That's why you got the I'm not in live with you speech.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

Working out and feeling better changes the inner self as well. Seriously, you are either building positive energy and feelings, or the opposite. It takes energy to make good things happen. If you just sit around and ruminate, you won't much improve yourself at all. A few hours in the gym, on a hiking trail, biking, pursuing hobbies (active, not video games, TV) would make a world of difference. 

When I said to force yourself, I knew you'd have a defeatist excuse. Been there, done that. Also, see a doctor and get your thyroid and testosterone levels checked. I thought I was depressed for years, and it was mostly a bad, lazy attitude and low T. I'm in my 50s and squatted 375 yesterday. Doing positive things for myself and others gives me confidence. I can't think myself there. 

Superficial? We like what we like. If you weren't attracted to your W, she put on 200 lbs, she'd probably say you should lover her inner beauty. But you still wouldn't be attracted. Whether your R works out or not, you can be a better, more happy version of yourself if you want to. Do you?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

You're making a big mistake if you leave exercise out of the healing equation.

Exercise isn't "shallow" at all. And it will definitely help clear your head as you work through your issues with self esteem, jealousy,anger and codependency.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Sweating Out Sadness: How Exercise Can Help the Grieving Process 

By Dr. Mercola


Any significant loss in your life can trigger a powerful grieving process. A death in your family, the loss of a pet, divorce, or even being laid off may send you whirling down a roller-coaster ride of emotions; numbness, anger, denial, despair, isolation, and depression… all are par for the course when you’re grieving.

Adding to its complexity, grief is rarely an orderly process… it may come on suddenly or grow slowly over weeks and months. As you accept the loss, you’ll probably experience extreme lows followed by periods of normalcy, only to be drawn back into sadness by a painful memory or, often, for no reason at all.

When you’re in the throes of such intense emotion, your instinct may be to isolate yourself alone in your bedroom – or it may be to surround yourself with people for distraction. There is no right or wrong process, only what works for you, but there is one activity that seems to offer benefit universally for virtually every grieving person who tries it, and that is exercise.

Exercise Is Therapeutic for Your Mind


When you exercise, particularly at high intensity, it requires intense focus while giving you a sense of control. If you’re lost in a seemingly bottomless-pit of shock and disillusionment, exercise brings a sense of purpose that requires nothing more than putting one foot in front of the other.

Even if you feel you can’t bear to drag yourself out of bed, try to get up and get moving. After a breakup, one 31-year-old woman described the way exercise helped her to take back control of her life:1


“The running helped me remember ‘I am big. I am strong.' …In the beginning, I thought ‘I may not be able to control all these other things in my life, but I can control this.’ Then it became ‘Well, if I can control that, what else can I take back?’”

Part of the reason why exercise makes you feel better is because of its impact on your brain. It will increase blood flow to your brain, for starters, allowing it to almost immediately function better. If you’ve been in a grief-induced fog, this can help you to feel more focused, virtually immediately. 

A number of neurotransmitters are also triggered, such as endorphins, serotonin, dopamine, glutamate, and GABA. Some of these are well-known for their role in mood control. Exercise, in fact, is one of the most effective prevention and treatment strategies for depression.

How Exercise Can Help the Grieving Process


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Exercise is helpful in ways that help battle depression. Endorphins are one good example.

Increasing one's over all health, life expectancy, and formation of new gray matter is an example of some other benefits, and the help with the sleep cycle, giving better rest at night, which is the time the brain learns and prunes away unnecessary information. It has the potential to help you get over your situation quicker. It also changes the circuitry of the brain. It is harder to feel depressed when you have a better sense of over all well-being.

So, open your ears to oyster and dude.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I second, third, forth, fifth the opinions that exercise can improve your mood. Do it. Forget about the fact that you are ok with your body.

one other thing. what she did wasn't cool, and you shouldn't be cool with it.

she was married for seven years, agreed to a separation to be single and then banged a guy(s). not cool. not even smart. 
after a long relationship or marriage sage advice is always to
be single and recover from the wounds and battles of a stormy relationship while you are vulnerable. shows her immaturity.

I hate to say it, but based on this i think it's a lost cause. sorry. and i sincerely mean it. cause I been there.
and i thought the same things as you. and i was wrong.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

Well, we've turned this into a fitness thread! Was serious about my suggestion, but there is more to it. 

Be more confident, don't be needy or clingy, find some new friends and interests, and dress better. Destabilize the relationship somewhat. Go out a couple nights a week. Don't initiate talks about the relationship. Don't talk, DO. 

Your behavior would look a lot like a man looking to have an affair, except you keep good boundaries. Be that interesting, active man she fell in love with again. 

One thing, she will be skeptical of your change, and other women will notice before she does. Keep your eye on the goal of R while that's what you want.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Real women are attracted to confidence? The gym doesn't matter? What world do you live in? Are "real" men attracted to good women even when they're 100 pounds overweight? Or is it women that have no physical standards in your world? 

You know what the issue is? You banged a 16 year old.....16 to 20 is a huge age difference. Your wife has changed since then and likely so have you. 

Your odds of success weren't that great to begin with but I guarantee a 16 year old wasn't emotionally equipped to handle your emotional baggage. 


Please keep working on yourself. And take you arse the gym, nobody likes flabby. Don't care how much confidence you have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pablodiablo (Jun 12, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Please keep working on yourself. And take you arse the gym, nobody likes flabby. Don't care how much confidence you have.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


MY wife does. She even told me so on the way to see Magic Mike for the third time. She also says I'm the biggest she's ever had and she O's every single time so Hah!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Pablodiablo said:


> MY wife does. She even told me so on the way to see Magic Mike for the third time. She also says I'm the biggest she's ever had and she O's every single time so Hah!


Well I'm skeptical.... that sounds like something a woman would say to make you feel good but that's between you guys. There are men who like chubby women too but most guys here will tell you that's not true.

If his wife has specifically asked him not to go to the gym because she likes flab he can run with that. Otherwise he should assume she doesn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Well I'm skeptical.... that sounds like something a woman would say to make you feel good but that's between you guys. There are men who like chubby women too but most guys here will tell you that's not true.
> 
> If his wife has specifically asked him not to go to the gym because she likes flab he can run with that. Otherwise he should assume she doesn't.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


CHUBBY DUDES ROCK! Not, if she ever dumps you you will be screwed!!! Just got back from the gym BTW and running a 5K on Saturday!!!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Dude007 said:


> CHUBBY DUDES ROCK! Not, if she ever dumps you you will be screwed!!! Just got back from the gym BTW and running a 5K on Saturday!!!


Want to compare 5k times? Or maybe that would be threadjacking. ....

But seriously, there is no downside going to the gym so OP get thee there now!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Want to compare 5k times?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


After all these years, it was time not length that mattered...Damn that explains a lot!!! DUDE


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Dude007 said:


> After all these years, it was time not length that mattered...Damn that explains a lot!!! DUDE


Not in my house. When hubby and I run its every man/woman for hizzer self. If you can't keep up you're being dropped...... and at least half the time it's him that gets dropped. 

He is older but I figure I'm a woman so it evens out 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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