# Rekindle with my ex (long story)



## rosado09 (Oct 27, 2009)

Back in college there was a guy that I was “seeing”. We became good friends, shared classes, talked for hours on campus, went to parties and everything. We never got serious because he had a girlfriend back home. We continued like this for 2 years enjoying ourselves. Ultimately, one night, after a party with too much to drink we tried to get physical, but it did not work out. Blame in on the alcohol, or nerves but it just didn’t happen. As college drew to a close, we drifted apart. After graduation, we each met new partners and ultimately had our children (separately) within 2 years of graduation. He married his girlfriend and my boyfriend had already moved to another state and lived together as a family. This guy and had not seen each other since college, 15 years ago.
My marriage to my husband was for all the wrong reasons. I realized it then and even more so now. We had our daughter and he want to get married right away, but I put him off. He is 10 yrs older than me. Finally, we did get married when she was 5 yrs old, mainly because I thought it was the right thing to do, not out any kind of undying love. It felt “expected” so I agreed to go forward. Now, my husband is actually a good guy. He’s always been extremely loving and affectionate. I think that is why I stayed with him so long, more out of gratitiude than anything else. Especially, when friends my age were having problems finding decent men, he was always good to me. Problem now 15 yrs later is he is different. He has become a lot more insecure, hasn’t had a job in 3 yrs, drinks daily, smokes, and gambles our money on a monthly basis. I have a very successful career and is the sole breadwinner and I think he’s gotten used to me working but he also feels threatened by it at the same time. He tried to go back to college several times but keep dropping out. Our sex life is non-existent, it mostly mercy sex from me to him. I have never cheated on him during our 16 years together. 
Four months ago I reconnected with my college guy on Facebook . We never communicated on the computer but when I had to return to our college town for a work seminar 2 months ago, I asked him to meet me for lunch. We met and we reminisced and he started talking about his marriage and his wife. (I never mentioned my situation to him at this point). His wife is still a party girl and like to go out to clubs 2x per week with her friends. He’s more of a home body and prefers to hang out with their kids. She has even gone out and gotten so drunk that she would call him to pick her up from some bar or another. He had threatened her with a divorce last summer if she didn’t change. He says she has since slowed down but worries that its only because they are less parties now, but when the season picks up again, she’ll be back to her old ways. He is the primary breadwinner and caretaker in his home.
Now, since our lunch, we talk on the phone 3-4 x daily. We have so much in common, same values ( our kids), same work ethic. Each of our spouses are more carefree and irresponsible. We each take responsibility in that we may have spoiled them early in our relationships. I tried to talk to my husband and offered both couples and individual counseling and he says that he is fine and that I could go by myself if I want to but he doesn’t need it. Even his family has tried to talk to him, but he wont get help.
When my ex and I talk, we always encourage each other to work out our respective marriages. We try to support each other by saying the “right things” but we both know we would rather be with each other. Neither of us expects the other to leave their spouse (we never want to hurt our kids) but we joke around that we our youngest (age 8) kids are ready to leave for college, we can get together. We talk about starting something with the each other as a way to make our home marriages more tolerable. I know it sounds crazy, but we just feel like we made bad choices in the beginning and have resigned to live with it, but now we each see another option. I realize no one on this board is going to give us “permission” to see each other, but are we being so unreasonable.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Stop talking to him. Go to counseling yourself. You're going to end up cheating if you're not careful. And then exactly how does this make you the more responsible one in your marriage?


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