# Bad Situation



## Drake455 (Apr 17, 2013)

This is rather lenghty and I apologize for that in advance.

Me and my girlfriend have been having problems for awhile. We've been together for 5 years and been living together for 3 year. Our relationship has always been up and down pretty consistently. Now though it's really reached a bad point.

A little history and I have no idea for sure but I think she suffers from a mood disorder which she will not get help with. She went to the doctors not too long ago about potential hormone problems (she had a hysterectomy back in 2001) getting her to even get checked out for that was a battle. The tests came back saying she's ok in that area which is also where it gets tricky. The place that mixes the hormone treatments told her to get the test results and bring them to them because sometimes doctors won't actually treat a person for hormone problems because they aren't in any physical danger or something to that degree anyways. She to this day has not. Her doctor has instead started her on Welbutrin for depression and said it may take a month for them to kick in.

So all that being said. We went through a bad patch in which she cheated on me. This was just before Christmas. I found out about it in February. I ended up leaving her and started staying with a friend of mine. A few days went by and late one night I was online on gmail as was she. We started talking and she said she missed me and I ended up over there. Nothing happened we just curled up and went to sleep. The next day we are talking again and she asks me to come over and I do. The evening starts winding down and I decide it's time for me to leave She asks me to stay and I do and I've been here ever since going on about 2 months now. Everything has been going great until last week. She has a boyfriend that she broke up with 5 years ago (he's 39 and shes's 33) because he was flirting with one of her friends and she decided she couldn't trust him. She has never gotten over him.She has seen him twice in 5 yeas and it's just whenever it's convenient for him and when they talk he only wants to talk about sex and wanting to "have" her again. She on the other hand has more romantic intentions with him and is unsure if he's for real or not. More complications. I found she also still talks to the guy she cheated on me with and claims to not really know how she feels about him. Now she has asked me to leave.

It's a big mess. She said that night I came over she was scared and I was the only person she wanted to be there with her and that after I visited it brought in a spark that she thought was gone for me. I later heard this same thing from a friend of her's that she told it too. She told me she is really confused and is torn about me.

I put a keylogger on our computer to try to find out what's really going on. Not only is she telling this ex boyfriend how strongly she still feels for him but she is also telling the guy she cheated on me with that she feels things for him as well. She is also telling all kinds of lies about me and half truths. She's even went so far as to tell her family and friend's that I stole her cell phone. It disappeared a couple days ago she loses it all the time. I was really angry when I heard that. She tells all the lies to the guys she is flirting with however to her family she tells them how wonderful I am but it's just not working out for her. Other than she did tell them I stole her phone. I have my own...I would have no use for her phone.

In between all of this happening my car has broke down so I've been having to use her car to get to work. I drop her off at work then head to work myself. After an arguement ensuing yesterday because she was looking at pictures of her and the ex together in front of me she refused to let me use her car to get to work anymore. My friends and family can't help me out with a lift because of how far my job is. There are no bus routes that go that direction and I don't have the money for a taxi. I have also talked to them all about staying with them till I can get on my feet and even gave a time frame. I can't get any help this time around. So here soon I will not only be homeless but I will be out of a job as well because I can't get there. Not to mention she wants me out by the weekend and what she doesn't know is I know she already has plans with the guys to visit them. She told me bluntly yesterday that she plans to explore and see how she feels about them really. 

As bad as it is I still just want to be with her. Right now I have exhausted all my resources and have no idea what to do about her. A place to live or my job. I haven't been there long enough to get time off yet.

Not to mention she does all this and still wants me to pay either the rent or the electric bill because it's past due...legally I don't think I have to do anything being that I had my own place prior to us moving in together and my name is on nothing. Although I may try to because she has two kids and I don't want them to suffer from this.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Drake455 said:


> As bad as it is I still just want to be with her.


My first question to you is WHY?? and the second is -- But does she still want to be with you? It sounds like all you are is a paycheck. She doesn't sound like the loving and supportive partner you need and deserve to have. She is putting your job in jeopardy by not letting you use her car temporaily but at the same time she'll be the first one complaining if you can't pay the electric or water bill. I just don't understand the logic. She is the one who is supposed to be your best friend and be there for you when you need her. But instead this sounds like it is all about her. She cheated on you, she lies to you and about you, she has feelings for other men, etc. So going back to my first question --- WHY do you want to be with this person? Why are you making her a priority when she is only making you an option?

And please don't hang your hat on the fact that she said the spark is back. Believe me, it can disappear as quickly as it appeared. People also confuse "sparks" with challenges. It was her challenge to get you to come back to her after she cheated. That spark she felt was probably the adrenaline rush she was feeling to win you back. And now that she's got you back, spark gone. 

Until she is willing to be the woman you need her to be I think you need to borrow some money from one or more family members, get your car fixed, put it in drive and hightail it out of there. It doesn't need to be permanant but she needs a wake up call. And you need some time and distance from the situation to regain some clarity. 

Good luck to you.


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## Drake455 (Apr 17, 2013)

IrishGirlVA said:


> My first question to you is WHY?? and the second is -- But does she still want to be with you? It sounds like all you are is a paycheck. She doesn't sound like the loving and supportive partner you need and deserve to have. She is putting your job in jeopardy by not letting you use her car temporaily but at the same time she'll be the first one complaining if you can't pay the electric or water bill. I just don't understand the logic. She is the one who is supposed to be your best friend and be there for you when you need her. But instead this sounds like it is all about her. She cheated on you, she lies to you and about you, she has feelings for other men, etc. So going back to my first question --- WHY do you want to be with this person? Why are you making her a priority when she is only making you an option?
> 
> And please don't hang your hat on the fact that she said the spark is back. Believe me, it can disappear as quickly as it appeared. People also confuse "sparks" with challenges. It was her challenge to get you to come back to her after she cheated. That spark she felt was probably the adrenaline rush she was feeling to win you back. And now that she's got you back, spark gone.
> 
> ...


I think the biggest reason is that despite everything I truly love this woman. That doesn't change the factor that I HAVE to leave. I can't stay any longer. I can't really explain it honestly. I'm an idiot as far as this goes. I simply love this woman. 

It's actually funny that you mentioned it being all about her. That is something I actually told her yesterday. That is for sure. The spark vanished without a trace and a whole lot of weirdness stepped in it's place. She told the kids I'm going to be leaving soon. They are 12 and 14. The youngest says she doesn't want me to leave because she will miss me and in her words "the house is just bleh when your not here"

Unfortunately I can't borrow any money. I can't even get my friend's or family to let me crash there. I gave them a time of one month. I offered to give a little money to help them out. I had it all planned out in my head. I was going to put my stuff in storage. Crash on a couch and if at all possible have someone drop me off at work in the mornings. I figure one month with none of the extra stuff that comes with supporting a family I could fix my car and have money saved for a place of my own but all of that fell through. I even thought of hotels and even hotels in the vacinity of my job are higher priced than I can afford right now.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Have you seen that meme on Facebook that says, "Sometimes giving a person a second chance is like giving them another bullet because they missed the first time they shot at you?" 

She's holding the gun. She has already shot at you. 

Do the math here, bud, and dodge that bullet now! You may love her, but she doesn't love you.

There are so many things wrong with this picture that I don't even know where to begin, but in the end it boils down to why you would consider being treated like that for a single moment.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Hopefully you'll learn from this mistake won't let yourself become dependent on an unstable women again. I did this once and had to stay with my Aunt for a month in my early 20's. Not much you can do at this point but move on and bite the bullet. Hopefully you won't lose your job. What is wrong with your car?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Get out ASAP. Her feelings for you are very very clear. She doesn't care about you, but she likes having around as plan B or even C.

The mere fact that she's still in contact with the guy she cheated with shows she isn't at all serious about you.

Then there is the ex from 5 years ago.

This chick sees you as a doormat puppy that is willing to let her cheat and flirt while she strings you along.

Seriously, there are so very many good women out there that would see you as their #1 priority in life. Dump this one cold and get busy looking for the upgrade.

Let those other two guys fight for her, she's a cheater and a liar and not much of real catch.

If I were you , I would also email to the two other guys, the emails she sent the other so they can see she's flirting with both of them.


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## Drake455 (Apr 17, 2013)

Well here's a little background on me personally. I'm 35 years old and I can't honestly say that I've had a lot of relationships. I've had 3 serious relationships my whole life. The 3 serious ones I had were well all pretty unstable. All 3 of them cheated on me. One even ended up pregnant with the guy. The other 2 ended up regretting it and wished they had me back because they claimed to not have realized how good they had it with me. So I won't sit here and say there is nothing wrong with me I could probably use some counseling myself to try to figure out why I'm so drawn to and ultimately get really attached to women who will treat me the worst. At this point in life my self esteem is so low it's not even funny. My current when we split the first time went so far as to point out physical things she wasn't attracted to about me which were also things I'm pretty sensitive about. 

I have a bad rash that covers part of my arm and waste that doctors can't figure out and a scar from a fire on one of my lower legs. Not that it's either here nor there or any concern I just thought I would throw it out there. Aside from those things I'm in decent shape.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

So in other words, you're scared that you won't find anything better. 

You're right that counseling can help your confidence and self-esteem. Until you treat yourself well, nobody else will treat you very well, either. You show people how much you are worth by the way you carry yourself. By staying, you're showing her that you don't require people to treat you well, and that you'll treat yourself as if you only deserve to be second-rate. 

Can you speak to a counselor? 

In the meantime, please consider practicing the suggestions I've written about in Beat the Blues - 4 Steps to Change Negative Thinking and surround yourself with people who see the "real" you... 

That silly rash and scar are just superficial things. Quality people can see past that and look for the rest of you - your kindness, your intelligence, your achievements, etc.


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## Drake455 (Apr 17, 2013)

I worry that going through the same thing all over again that I won't ever really be able to move past and really have anyone else of worth. So yes that and the factor that I do love and hate that I'm going to be without her makes it really tough. This one has actually been worse than the others just that when the others ended I still had a home and car. I could still do all that I needed to do. Also when the others ended there weren't kids involved. 

I don't have a counselor at the moment and in all honesty I'm not really sure if I can. I tried to speak to a counselor once but when they would try to get me to open up I sort of clammed up at which point they just wanted to put me on anti depressants which never worked I might add. That was several years ago.

That's what I used to think as well. You get people start staring at those things enough and you try to stay as covered as possible. At least that's the way it's worked for me.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Drake455 said:


> I worry that going through the same thing all over again that I won't ever really be able to move past and really have anyone else of worth. So yes that and the factor that I do love and hate that I'm going to be without her makes it really tough. This one has actually been worse than the others just that when the others ended I still had a home and car. I could still do all that I needed to do. Also when the others ended there weren't kids involved.
> 
> I don't have a counselor at the moment and in all honesty I'm not really sure if I can. I tried to speak to a counselor once but when they would try to get me to open up I sort of clammed up at which point they just wanted to put me on anti depressants which never worked I might add. That was several years ago.
> 
> That's what I used to think as well. You get people start staring at those things enough and you try to stay as covered as possible. At least that's the way it's worked for me.


I would encourage you to consider finding an online counselor, then. I can see that you're able to open up anonymously like this, so that might be an easier way for you to achieve this.

But as far as loving and hating to not have her.... You DON'T have her now!! She's throwing you a bone while she looks for a bigger better deal. I think you might benefit from using the 180 and maybe others can tell you if Married Man's Sex Life would be useful for your situation.


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## Drake455 (Apr 17, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> I would encourage you to consider finding an online counselor, then. I can see that you're able to open up anonymously like this, so that might be an easier way for you to achieve this.
> 
> But as far as loving and hating to not have her.... You DON'T have her now!! She's throwing you a bone while she looks for a bigger better deal. I think you might benefit from using the 180 and maybe others can tell you if Married Man's Sex Life would be useful for your situation.


I'm a lot more comfortable when someone can't see me. I actually just got through sending out a couple of emails to online counselors from the link provided to try to get more information.

Thank you for all your information I'm reading some on No More Mr Niceguy now


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## Drake455 (Apr 17, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Get out ASAP. Her feelings for you are very very clear. She doesn't care about you, but she likes having around as plan B or even C.
> 
> The mere fact that she's still in contact with the guy she cheated with shows she isn't at all serious about you.
> 
> ...


Sorry I didn't see your post earlier. You know in all honesty I have thought about emailing the both of the just so they know they are getting played. I have mixed feelings on this though just being that they both are buying into her lies and both have flirted and tried to get her to come sleep with them while she was with me. So on one hand I really like the idea of her having to explain things to the both of them but on the other hand I also like the idea of the both of them getting hurt somewhere along the way.


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## Drake455 (Apr 17, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> I would encourage you to consider finding an online counselor, then. I can see that you're able to open up anonymously like this, so that might be an easier way for you to achieve this.
> 
> But as far as loving and hating to not have her.... You DON'T have her now!! She's throwing you a bone while she looks for a bigger better deal. I think you might benefit from using the 180 and maybe others can tell you if Married Man's Sex Life would be useful for your situation.



I had replied earlier but for whatever reason apparently it didn't post. I actually did email a couple of online counselors after I read your post. It would be so much easier to discuss these matters when I can't see them and they don't know me. When I talk to people face to face and some of my issues come up I always feel like they are judging me or that I'm retarded or something.

And thank you also for the links. I have been reading the 180 and also about the Nice Guy Syndrome.


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## The Seahorse Guy (Apr 17, 2013)

Mate, some relationships are meant to last and others have a use-by date. Those relationships are an opportunity to learn about ourselves, the things we like, things we don't like, how we behave in relationships, things we do well and those we don't. 

If you don't take the opportunity to learn then you'll keep making the same mistakes.

Right now I see you're in a difficult position. You're first priority must be your wellbeing. Focus on that. Your safety, security and support are the most important things right now. Forget the relationship at this time. Is there temporary accommodation near where you work? A hostel? A boarding house? Room to share?Check the internet.

Take your lessons, learn and leave. 

It's tough when you're attached to the kids. Find a way to keep in touch. They sound like they can help you feel better about yourself. You add something to their life and you can do that for others. 

Worried about some blemishes? Check this out: http://www.news.com.au/entertainmen...ogies-red-carpet/story-e6frfmqi-1226327425809

Seal was married to Heidi Klum and now the 49yo is dating Delta Goodrem 27 .......and she's a total hottie.

Good luck.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Get and read Married Mans Sex Life Primer by Kay Athol.

Dump this chick hard and let her waste someone else's precious time.

Your scars etc, make you a bad ass. Read the book, live the MAP and you'll get tail and good relationships like you never dreamed possible.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I would also suggest you read "Codependent No More"; it will help you learn about why YOU feel the way you do and make the choices you do. Once you acknowledge the things INSIDE YOU that need to be fixed, you can address them and move forward into better healthier relationships.

Try your library; that's where I found the book...for FREE!


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

I came back on here to also recommend the book, "Codpendent No More". I got it for myself once upon a time ago and it was the most eye opening book I have ever read. It literally changed how I viewed relationships and, most importantly, myself in relationships! And while you are busy checking things out online, why don't you venture over to Craigslist and look for ads from people looking to rent out a room in their home close to where you work. In this market there is SO much out there. And if your credit is sketchy, typically private owners don't run credit. Stay in that home for as long as possible and just give her the minimum amount of money necessary. 

And for what it's worth, I think it is very sad that none of your friends or family can help you out for a month. 

BTW, I was in a relationship recently with a man that had a few physical characteristics and imperfections but because I cared about him so much and saw that he was such a wonderful man underneath those things, I found him absolutely breathtaking. In fact, I was more attracted to him than any other guy I had met. You WILL meet that right woman for you. I can tell through your responses that you are a very articulate, intelligent and caring man. I agree that you are probably "too nice" and you find women who take advantage of that but it sounds like you acknowledge that and are willing to work on it. 

Please keep coming back here and updating on your situation.

*hugs*


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## Drake455 (Apr 17, 2013)

I found "Married Mans Sex Life Primer" on Amazon as a kindle book so I bought and got it. I also found "Codependent No More" at my local library a few minutes ago and put it on reserve so I can go pick it up tomorrow.

The biggest issue I'm having is my car. If it was at least running I could sleep in it. From the best I can tell the engine is shot. With paying bills here I haven't had the money to get it fixed.

I sort of got a plan worked out. Since I can't rely on my family or friends for a place to stay or a ride to work in the mornings I was thinking earlier today I am just going to have to find a job on night shift when my mother is not doing anything and hopefully be able to borrow her car until I can get mine fixed and then find another day shift job.

my Mon-Fri schedule usually works as I go to work during the day and school at night. I got in school this year so I could give them a better life. However with this turn of events the last day of term was today and I had to take a leave of absence. I am set to return in July. I am going to go in to a different course though. The course I was doing was just for them because it paid well so now I'm going to go into something I actually want to do.

Unfortunately my last day here is tomorrow. She has requested me to leave tomorrow night. From what I've been able to gather she made plans with one of the other guys to come over tomorrow night to "cuddle". What makes it even worse is she told the ex boyfriend the one she actually has feelings for that if he isn't going to make a move to just let her know so she can give this other guy a try. So this guy she has coming over tomorrow night is basically just because he's there and willing to be with her. So tomorrow night the girls are going to get to meet mommy's new "toy". Makes me mad. My side of the bed isn't even cold yet.


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## Drake455 (Apr 17, 2013)

Ok so I found out the the copy Of "Codependent No More" that I reserved is actually the "Codependent No More Workbook". Is there a difference between the two? Unfortunately the workbook is the only copy they have that is available.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, if someone wanted me out so they could hook up, we'll let's just say if I went I'd be leaving behind some petty and obvious act or message, OR , I'd make sure to stick around long enough to c-block them.

Seriously why should you move or do anything to enable her to hookup?


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## Drake455 (Apr 17, 2013)

In all honesty I have really been giving it some serious thought to actually just standing my ground and waiting here just to foil her plans. I actually found out last night where one of the guys lived and went over to his house. I had intentions of making his car undriveable. After sitting around the corner for a few minutes I backed out though fearing a neighbor or someone would spot me since there were a few street lights and such around his house.

It's actually providing me a lot of conflict. Do I stay and risk making a scene in front of the kids or do I be the bigger person and walk away? I do not know.

It kills me that the girls are so used to their mother getting rid of someone and bringing in someone else also immediately.


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## Drake455 (Apr 17, 2013)

I have now found and have the actual book "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself "


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