# Kids counseling



## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

Lately my daughter has been bringing up more complex questions about my ex and I. She said "why don't I say I love daddy more than us. He's your husband" She is 8. 
We technically split last Feb. Thats when he decided to sleep on couch, confusing my kids. He left in November and has already taken them on playdates with a new girl and her daughter. My son has been self-deemening himself. He is 6. Saying things like " I'm stupid" "I wish I was dead" But things about me or my ex are never in the sentences.

I decided to make an appointment for my daughter. It's getting really hard to answer her questions. She also tends to bring things up at bedtime. I don't want to answer her in detail and say the wrong thing and have her up all night thinking of it. These shouldn't be concerns for an 8 year old.

Is counseling the right decision for them?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Yes. 

Actually, your son needs it at least as much as your daughter. Look for a therapist who has special training in working with children and for whom kids make up a sizeable portion of their clientele. Kids can be much tougher to counsel than adults, because they often don't understand their own emotions and can't verbalize what they're thinking or feeling. And don't be surprised if the therapist wants to have at least a few family sessions. He or she will need to understand the family dynamics in order to better help your children.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Yes. For both of them.

I relied pretty heavily on a counselor after separation and selected a family counselor who worked with both kids and whole families. She met with my daughter alone, me alone, both of us together - whatever we needed at the time. Even my ex a few times though that was unproductive.

Like you, I wanted to answer her questions in an age-appropriate blame-free way. I didn't want to bash him nor did I want to accept blame (it was abusive but she didn't see that stuff and was 4) yet I wanted her to feel free to express her feelings and learn to adapt. It was very helpful. I met with her to express what I wanted to work on then she met with me and my daughter and helped facilitate communication by asking my daughter questions and then turning to me to ask me things and sometimes had us address one another directly. Other times my daughter needed to vent. At no time did the counselor tell me what my daughter said in their sessions alone but she could use that information to guide me into addressing things with her or to reassure me that she loved us both, etc.

My daughter would come back from weekends with ex and be very rebellious. I was worried about the acting out. I didn't want the first thing I did was to punish her but I didn't want to let her think it was OK to talk back, etc. The counselor gave me great advice for transition time and activities to make that first evening go smoother and also assured me that she acted out because she felt safe - i.e. my love was not conditional and she felt free to blow off steam/stress caused by switching homes and rules so it was actually a compliment that my daughter felt safe in my love. 

So yes - VERY helpful. Please do. If money is an issue, I highly recommend United Family Services, a division of United Way. They accept insurance if you have it and if you don't they work on a sliding scale based on income to make it affordable.

Good luck!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Of course it is. For BOTH of them! A 6 year old is having serious problems if he's wishing he was dead.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Hopelessus said:


> Lately my daughter has been bringing up more complex questions about my ex and I. She said "why don't I say I love daddy more than us. He's your husband" She is 8.
> We technically split last Feb. Thats when he decided to sleep on couch, confusing my kids. He left in November and has already taken them on playdates with a new girl and her daughter. My son has been self-deemening himself. He is 6. Saying things like " I'm stupid" "I wish I was dead" But things about me or my ex are never in the sentences.
> 
> I decided to make an appointment for my daughter. It's getting really hard to answer her questions. She also tends to bring things up at bedtime. I don't want to answer her in detail and say the wrong thing and have her up all night thinking of it. These shouldn't be concerns for an 8 year old.
> ...


Yes. I think they could both use help to deal with your divorce. It sounds like your son is blaming himself for it. I would definitely seek out a counselor.


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

I started both of my kids in therapy. My daughter had a difficult time opening up but then admitted she really doesn't know what's going on. I just tried to stop crying and letting her see that. The counselor had her leave the room and discuss things with me. I can only answer so many questions to my daughter. When she constantly says I miss daddy or even when she says do I have to go to daddy's? It hurts so much that I have to be the one to answer all these questions and he says they never talk about things to him. The way the counselor explained things to my daughter was confusing me. She went into great detail. All my daughter did was nod her head to reply. I still don't think she understands. I decided to alternate meetings with her father. I want him to be aware of her feelings and how she should approach them and not ignore them. I never ask how the meetings go. I want her to reflect herself.


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

My son on the other hand feels guilty about everything. He thinks I will be mad at every thing he does or says. He is also putting himself down a lot. He is 6. He calls himself an idiot and other words along that line. I brought him to counseling. They will work on the guilt and see where it stems from. He said that one of his friends said he wishes my son was dead. I never heard that before. I am definitely bringing that up with that boys mother. I don't want to make him feel worse though by tattling. In the end I think counseling will help them. They feel comfortable speaking with this counselor.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Hopelessus, you seem to have an aversion discussing difficult subjects with your children. 

I know it can be uncomfortable, unfair sometimes, but I would encourage you to embrace those times you can be the one to talk with them about these subjects. You can greatly lean from each other and grow closer together. 

At their young ages you have a great opportunity to teach them that they can come to you about anything and everything. This will serve you all well as they go through the difficult stages of growing up.


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## hawkeye (Oct 6, 2012)

Absolutely. We took our then seven year old to counseling for anxiety issues a couple years ago. Best thing we ever did for her.


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

My daughter expressed that she really didn't understand it. My son is having guilt issues some stemming from school that have made their way into our house. I am happy they are expressing themselves. I do spend quite a lot of time with them. More than before. Is that ok?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

It's a difficult balancing issue. Too much time and you give them the feeling that they SHOULD need you hovering and they pick up on your uncertainty. Not enough time and they feel you are distracted and don't care about them as much and they are a burden. Basically, try not to change too much from the way you were BEFORE separation. I don't know why your daughter doesn't understand. 

Remember to answer every question they ever have in an age appropriate way. Never tell them something isn't any of their business (unless they ask about your sex life or something) or ignore the question hoping they forget. You want kids to come to you for answers because some day it will be about drugs, sex or something major.

Fortunately I was able to relate our marriage to something my daughter understood even at 4 almost 5. There was a little girl in the neighborhood. She liked her at first but the little girl always wanted to play what SHE wanted to and never shared her Barbies. Eventually my daughter said she didn't like to play with her anymore.

I was able to remind her of that and relate that to the marriage. Just because my daughter didn't want to play with the other little girl didn't mean she hated her or was mean - just that they wanted different things. Sometimes Mommy and Daddy don't have fun together any more and they argue all of the time. That makes them both unhappy. Sometimes they are better Mommies and Daddies when they aren't together. They both still love their children; they just don't love each other.

Parents also have to be careful about what is overheard - it could be your son heard someone say that after kids come along it's hard to devote enough time to one's spouse... and suddenly a child internalizes the reason for the divorce. I know I've said things or been around friends who said things that my daughter shouldn't have overheard. I tried very hard to talk in code, talk in private and be aware of my surroundings but even the best of us make mistakes. So just keep answering and explaining in as many different ways as you can until they finally get it. Young ones actually adapt better eventually.


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

My daughters third visit will be tomorrow. I think its helping her already. She came home from school this week with a 99% on one test and an 85% on another. Maybe she feels better she is getting this out and talk to someone else. Maybe the anxiety has lifted. She seems more independent also.


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

So I had this interesting conversation last night with my daughter. She wanted to know why I don't wear my wedding ring. I told her only married people wear wedding rings. I think she got it but I asked her anyway if she did. She eventually she came to the conclusion that me and daddy are not together anymore bc he has his house and we have ours. The conversation continued as she hugged me saying I want you to always be my mommy and daddy to always be my daddy. As there are tears in my eyes. I tried to explain that we will always be her mom and dad but someday there may be another woman or man around that mommy and daddy want to be with. She said her friend has a step dad. She explained that they live with him. It made me feel better that there were other kids she knew that she could talk about this with. She is only 8 years old.


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