# I feel I may have rushed my first relationship...



## Hanging on for hope (Mar 18, 2013)

Quick backstory: 33yr old, 6 yr marriage, separated from exwife in March of this year. Filed shortly after. Divorce was finalized in July, but we have the 6 months insurance and remarriage clause. No kids. Also I am not holding on for hope anymore as the name implies 

I had seen a therpist for a few sessions and felt I had gotten through this rather quickly and started meeting girls and dating in May. I feel I went a little crazy and was meeting people left and right. I'm pretty sure it was a distraction. I was just starting to get used to being single and then I met my current GF in September. She is 24, no kids, and is crazy about me. Now she has all the qualities I would want in a life partner, great motherly instinct, caring, empathetic, compassionate. So the first 3 weeks of dating we excellent. 

Then she started staying every night, within a month she was living with me, said "I love you", marriage and kids came up. This is just as much my fault because I got caught up in the whirlwind thinking that she could be it. However, after the dust settled and I realized that I am basically back in a "marriage"....I freaked. 

I don't know how to salvage, if its possible. She can't move back because the room has been rented. She either gets a new place or moves with her parents. I care about her a great deal but all these feelings from my old relationship came rushing to the surface. Its not that I still love my ex, because I would not get back with her at all. But I still miss some good things and I am still angry with her. 

I'd like to just go backward and try dating in a noncommitted way, but I don't know if that will work. I've dug myself into a pretty good hole. Any advice?


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## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

I dont have any advice as I am just about to be divorced but Im sorry and that sucks and exactly what I am afraid might happen to me. I have met an amazing girl and do not know how to make sure it is real and not have her be the rebound girl...other than taking it as slow as possible i guess.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hanging on for hope said:


> Then she started staying every night, *within a month she was living with me, said* "I love you", marriage and kids came up. This is just as much my fault because I got caught up in the whirlwind thinking that she could be it. However, after the dust settled and I realized that I am basically back in a "marriage"....I freaked.


Yeah. Way too fast, Hanging. WAY too fast. 



Hanging on for hope said:


> I'd like to just go backward and try dating in a noncommitted way, but I don't know if that will work. I've dug myself into a pretty good hole. *Any advice?*


Be honest. Tell her how you feel. That you feel you rushed it all and it's not fair to her or to you. You need some time with you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mo42 said:


> I dont have any advice as I am just about to be divorced but Im sorry and that sucks and exactly what I am afraid might happen to me. I have met an amazing girl and do not know how to make sure it is real and not have her be the rebound girl...*other than taking it as slow as possible* i guess.



You just answered how to do it....

Go slow!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It's not going to get any easier to slow things down in the future... Not sure you can back the relationship truck up without a strong possibility of blowing things up, though.

C


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Newly divorced and you play house with a 24 year old? What did you expect was going to happen? She is on a completely different level than you are. Of coarse she wants marriage and kids, that is the age they start thinking about that stuff. 

I know younger is good for the ego, but you got to know there is a price to pay for the younger/hotter p*ssy. This is it. 

There is no backtracking the relationship. It is over. She won't just go back to being the girl you sometimes you see.


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## Hanging on for hope (Mar 18, 2013)

lisab0105 said:


> Newly divorced and you play house with a 24 year old? What did you expect was going to happen? She is on a completely different level than you are. Of coarse she wants marriage and kids, that is the age they start thinking about that stuff.
> 
> I know younger is good for the ego, but you got to know there is a price to pay for the younger/hotter p*ssy. This is it.
> 
> There is no backtracking the relationship. It is over. She won't just go back to being the girl you sometimes you see.


Kids are something I want someday, marriage I'm split on. I've told her that. She has dreams about a wedding and is optimistic about marriage. I'm obviously slightly more cynical now. And she knows this. She says she's ok with it, but I don't think she means it. I really want it to work but I feel like we've already created a mess.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I agree with Lisa. At 24, she is not anywhere near where your head is at, at all. You are coming out of a marriage/divorce, she is just starting to thing of all these things, with a serious naivity.In addition to that, you move in only one month after knowing eachother? That is way too fast. 

You will hurt her. you are going to break her heart probably. But there is no sense in dragging this out anymore than necessary. The longer you wait, the absolute worst. Seems to me you still haven't healed from the first relationship. You essentially jumped from a hot frying pan into a pot of boiling water.


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## Hanging on for hope (Mar 18, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> I agree with Lisa. At 24, she is not anywhere near where your head is at, at all. You are coming out of a marriage/divorce, she is just starting to thing of all these things, with a serious naivity.In addition to that, you move in only one month after knowing eachother? That is way too fast.
> 
> You will hurt her. you are going to break her heart probably. But there is no sense in dragging this out anymore than necessary. The longer you wait, the absolute worst. Seems to me you still haven't healed from the first relationship. You essentially jumped from a hot frying pan into a pot of boiling water.


You guys are absolutely right. I wish I could be just like she is, blissfully niave with great optimism about marriage, but I can't yet. And I feel like I'm going to bring her down.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Hanging on for hope said:


> You guys are absolutely right. I wish I could be just like she is, blissfully niave with great optimism about marriage, but I can't yet. And I feel like I'm going to bring her down.


It isn't about that at all. You just went through a MAJOR traumatic event. It's natural to feel the way you are. You just haven't taken the time to truly love yourself again. I would feel trapped and suffocated if I had to live with someone again. UGH.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Suggests immaturity on her part. Regardless, she needs someone without your baggage; let this one go and put yourself together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hanging on for hope said:


> You guys are absolutely right. I wish I could be just like she is, blissfully niave with great optimism about marriage, but I can't yet. And I feel like I'm going to bring her down.


But the thing is, you can't. You are in your 30s... your idea of life is not what hers is. Also, you have been married and divorced. She has never experienced that.



Dedicated2Her said:


> It isn't about that at all. You just went through a MAJOR traumatic event. It's natural to feel the way you are. You just haven't taken the time to truly love yourself again. I would feel trapped and suffocated if I had to live with someone again. UGH.


Yep! Absolutely! I am 4 years out from my initial separation and almost 3 of being divorced and I cannot even fathom living with someone at this point in time. No, thank you! I love having my own space to do whatever I want!



lifeistooshort said:


> Suggests immaturity on her part. Regardless, she needs someone without your baggage; let this one go and put yourself together.


I am not going to put all the blame on her. Sure, she may be young, but Hoping is older and wiser and was the one who Ok'ed the move-in... 

Just saying. They both rushed this thing. No good.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

I think we can put some of it on her...he just got divorced. Common sense should kick in and say 
"Whoa, Nelly...slow your roll." But she doesn't see "divorce", she see's a guy who is the marrying kind (even if it ended) and if she shows him how great life with her can be compared to his ex, he will want to marry her too. 

She knows what she is doing.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Yeah you both rushed it just a little....
But you can't back up now. I'm probably a minority but at this point ride it out and see what happens? Odd's aren't good but I have seen people hook up right after a split and work out in the long haul if the match was truly there and both were dedicated to making it work.
Tough call....


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Hanging, 
I'm sorry for your predicament. I'm there too, in a way. I'm 46, and the guy I fell fast and hard for is 43, and still divorcing. Told me he's in love with me, but his actions show me how much he still has to work through. Stupid us.

He's feeling the same as you, from what I can gather. We had to cool it, because he couldn't give me a real relationship, and I couldn't give him the kind of space he needs. And yes, my heart is broken. But there is nothing that can be done about it. As my fellow wise TAMers have told me, timing is a B. 

If you really think you love her, tell her "maybe one day, but not now." Let her go, make her go if you have to. Don't string her along if you don't love her, though. "Maybe one day" is not cool if you know that you don't really ever want this to be revisited. What I would really like my ex to say, is if I'm not doing anything New Years Eve of NEXT year, to call him. But no contact has been really hard for both of us so far, 1 month broken up. I would wait for him if I felt it would work out. But I waited for one guy 7 years when I was around her age, and that never came to fruition, so I'm more reluctant (and older) now. I don't know what I'm going to do. But I'm not jumping into putting myself out there again. I'm just kind of sitting with the pain, waiting to see what happens.

She's young and you're probably gonna lose her to someone else. Be thankful for the good memories. Chalk it up to experience, and don't let it happen again. I know I won't!!!!


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Think about going to counseling by yourself. You have issues you need to look at and work on, and that will help you regardless of what happens with this girl. Wish you both love and luck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> But I waited for one guy 7 years when I was around her age


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

I know. I'm a little too tenacious like that. It's the Cancer in me.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

You both rushed it but you need to focus on you not her.

You can only control what you do not what others do.

This is a good lesson in setting boundaries and enforcing them.

You gave a little and she took it. You gave a little more and she took it. 

This needs to be taken care of sooner rather than later.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Hanging, I read your OP and shivers went down my spine, because my XH and I started out just like you and this girl. (He wasn't divorced, but had come just out of a LTR with a woman he had been living with and thought he was going to marry.)

I just have to say DITTO to what Jellybeans and 2galsmom have both said. You need to let this one go, and do it now before the two of you get in any deeper. Yes, she'll be hurt, but you know this is no good for either of you, and it will only hurt more so in the long run if you drag it out.

End it, and focus on your healing. You need to learn about boundaries, and I think this is your first lesson. (She needs to learn about boundaries, too.) She's not going to understand, and she's going to beg and plead, and she's not going to make it easy, because SHE'S got a case of one-itis with you, I'm pretty sure of it.

Sorry


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## radrobe (Jun 17, 2013)

Hanging,

If I were you, I'd tell her you want to wait at least couple years before taking the next step. Tell her this time you want to get it right. She should be understanding about that considering you're coming out of a failed marriage. Plus, she's only 24, so she has 16-20 good baby making years left....she'll be ok.  

If she has a big problem with this, you have to face the possibility that she just wants to settle down with somebody, not necessarily you. That could be a problem 10 years down the road.


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