# Husband pushed me



## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Hi Ladies, I haven't been on TAM for quite a while but I used to post in the sex section as I was worried about our no sex marriage. I've now accepted that our marriage will not involve sex. However, during a recent row my H pushed me which is causing me serious concern. 
We'd been out to a local bar with a friend of mine who has just moved intonew apartment in our village. My H was tired and wanted to go home (we live a two minute walk away from the bar).. My friend an I were chatting with a bunch of friends, so I said we'd be home when we'd finished our drinks. As it was, we took a couple of hours (just got caught up in chatting with the girls) and then proceeded to walk home (friend was staying at our house that night). As we approached the house, my H came storming down the street in an absolute rage, calling us both *****es and c**ts and saying we should have finished our drinks ages ago. He walked right into my friend, headbutting her (not hard, but enough to leave sore patch the next day). I thought it was an accident. When we went into the house, he continued to rant, calling us awful names and then walked over to me (I was trying to get him to lower his voice and calm down) and pushed me. It wasn't hard and I wasn't hurt, but I'm really concerned about this - it's physical abuse. 

I immediately told him I want a divorce (the first time I've ever mentioned divorce) as physical abuse of this sort is a deal breaker for me. We've since talked about it - he said he's never hit a woman before but I'm not sure I believe him. He told me that his ex partner beat herself up, bruising her face and blacking an eye and then called the police to try to get him arrested for beating her up. I now suspect that he did beat her up although he swears that he didn't. I've agreed to wait three months (this was two months ago, so I have a month to go) to give him the chance to turn things around. I really can't see me changing my mind - I'm sleeping in the spare room and can't see myself ever wanting to get in to bed with him again (ironic as I originally joined TAM looking for some solutions to the fact that my H never wanted sex with me and I was absolutely desperate for him to at first). 

Basically, I think that once a guy has hit his wife once, it's only a matter of time before he does it again - I really feel that the right (and safest) option for me is to leave before he actually hits me. does anybody here have any experience of domestic abuse and am I right in thinking that it will continue and get worse?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Yes, that's my belief too. He headbutted your friend, my God, who does that? So are you going to file for divorce? Be careful from what I understand this can be a dangerous time. Get things in order and gather your friends in case you need them. Good wishes.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

doobie said:


> Basically, I think that once a guy has hit his wife once, it's only a matter of time before he does it again - I really feel that the right (and safest) option for me is to leave before he actually hits me. does anybody here have any experience of domestic abuse and am I right in thinking that it will continue and get worse?


Your thinking is correct. Sadly, I was in an abusive relationship for 12 years. It only escalates, the injuries get worse, the boundary line is always pushed back with every push, punch, and kick. 

If it were me, frankly, I wouldn't wait the remaining 1 month. I'd leave now. I'm sorry you're in this mess.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

I would not have given it 3 months. His violent response to you taking too long (in his opinion) to come home from a place where he left you voluntarily is WAY overblown. The fact that he got violent with your friend and abusive towards you in front of her makes him sound very unstable. I wouldn't give him another chance.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lets see, no sex and pushes you and hits your friend.

He sounds great!

Seriously, you could probably do better standing in the town square blindfolded with a "take me" sign on your butt.

This guy is a super loser.

Walk, don't look back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening doobie
I'm so sorry to hear about what he did. Yes, its time to leave. 

Is there any reason for you to stay?


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

Doobie, very sorry you find yourself in this situation. Not your fault. Now be aware that since you have let him know that you are done there is a potential that violence could escalate-quickly. You should frankly be making a plan to move out and make yourself safe ASAP. If you contact your local women's shelter they can help you with the planning part. And of course if you need quick, temporary shelter they can help you there. Do take this seriously, don't be afraid or too proud to ask for help, be vigilant and be mum with your plans on moving. Good Luck to you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Call 911 and they will help you get away.

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

========================================

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps. 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

Get a support system:



Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.


Also check into legal aid in your area.



Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.


Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 


Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:



your mail from the ‘safe address’


All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account


Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.


Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 


Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 


Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 


Titles, deeds and other property information 


Medical records


Children's school and immunization records


Insurance information


Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 


Welfare identification


Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions

Your safety Plan: this is so that you can leave immediately if things get out of hand.


Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 


Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.


If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 


Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 


Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 


You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 


Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.


If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 


Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 


Hide an extra set of car keys. 


Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 


Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 


Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 


Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 


Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 


Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.

After Leaving the Abusive Relationship 

If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving: 



Change your locks and phone number. 


Change your work hours and route taken to work. 


Change the route taken to transport children to school. 



Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 


Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 


Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 



Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 


If you leave: 


Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 


Change your work hours, if possible. 


Alert school authorities of the situation. 


Consider changing your children's schools. 


Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 


Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 


Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 


Talk to trusted people about the violence. 


Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 


Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 


Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 


Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Doobie, 

Start planning to leave now. I posted info on an exit plan above. 

I don't know what is available in the way of support for victims of domestic violence where you live. 
check it out and see if you can find a facility that will help you.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Thanks for all the insights. Richard, you're right, it's time to move on. InTheory, he's stopped drinking in the house (which has saved us quite a bit of money as he was buying 3 bottles of whisky a week) but still drinks (3 large measures which is about half a bottle) when we go out. He's still pretty obnoxious when drunk (as evidenced on the night he pushed me). Within a few days of that incident there was another incident where he totally lost it stone cold sober. He'd fallen asleep in mid afternoon. My friend was still staying with us as was my father in law. I made a meal for the three of us (he won't eat what I cook, never has as it's vegetarian) - tried to wake H but he didn't wake. I was a bit worried about keeping on trying to wake him as I thought he might wake up angry so I left him. A couple of hours later, he woke, stormed into the kitchen and freaked on both me and my friend for not waking him up to eat - so, damned if I do, damned if I don't. He was very nasty, shouting, swearing, calling names. That was his last real freak out - he's been on his best behaviour since.

However, I've spent a few weeks back in the UK in the meantime, visiting my kids and had a wonderful time. It was such a relief to just be "me" without having to worry about anybody getting mad at me, totally freeing. Since my return, we have been out a few times - I'm constantly on edge if a man speaks to me in case my H gets mad about it and I've actually had to say to people "look, I'm really sorry but I can't talk to you, my husband will be annoyed". This is so not me - I've been such a strong and independent woman all of my life, bringing up my kids alone and always making my own decisions. I don't even feel like me any more.

I know I have to leave at the end of August - I can't do it surreptitiously, I will have to be open about it as I'll need to pack all my stuff, my office, my craft equipment, etc. There are no women's shelters where I live but my friend has let me know where she keeps her spare key and another couple of (women) friends have told me to ring them anytime and they'll come and get me and put me up in their spare rooms. That wouldn't be ideal - I work online so I need my computer and I need to find somewhere to live with decent broadband - this is why I will have to do this openly. I've hidden my husband's air pistol and the flights from his crossbow and don't intend giving them back until I've left. 

Husband is carrying on as normal - we sleep in separate rooms. He seems to think that everything is okay and I haven't mentioned that we are on a 3 month trial for him to turn things around. I'm worried that focusing on that might get him angry - I'm just trying to keep everything cool while I keep my promise to give him 3 months grace. I know I have a worrying time ahead of me, but I'm ready for it.


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## Tobin (Jun 24, 2015)

Saying you'll give him 3 months means that you're willing to forgive him if he behaves a certain way.

You're making it too easy for him.

What you should have said-and what you should say now- is "I'm done" and then filed for divorce. You could always stop the divorce if he really tries to fix himself, and that means with counseling, not drinking, etc.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Consider hiring an off-duty police officer to be there with you while you pack your belongings and make your exit. This could end up not going well.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Elegirl, Thanks for taking the time to post all that useful information - you rock.

I don't think the police here would be of much help unless I were seriously beaten up - I'm relying more on making my own plans and the support of friends. I actually work from home and need to take all my office stuff with me when I go. This is one reason that I need to plan carefully - I will probably need to arrange to get a phone line put into wherever I rent somewhere to live and this can take a few weeks - I won't be able to move without a phone line as my work is all online and depends on a broadband connection. 

Luckily, we have no kids involved (mine and his are all grown up) - I wouldn't still be here if I had kids involved. I won't be able to get a restraining order at all here (the police here would laugh at the thought of it) and have no plans for an actual divorce until I can save the legal fees for it. Getting divorced is not as important as getting out and finding somewhere else to live. Funds are very limited as I will still be paying towards bills on this house (rent, electricity, phone, etc) but right now I'm just looking for somewhere as cheap as possible to spend the winter and get myself sorted out better financially. I have no savings (everything went on financing our move overseas and things have been tough since we moved here as he does very little work).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So you have a month to get out of there. 

For the next few weeks you can start setting up a new place to live. 

Can you rent a place, or a room from a friend? Set up internet at some location where you intend to move.

You could start moving out some things... like if you have valuables, jewelry, etc. Get copies of all your financial paper work. Get copies of everything dealing with your business, move the originals out and only keep in the house the copies of things you need to do current work.

Make sure that all of your business data is backed up somewhere on the cloud.

Have enough money saved to replace your computer incase he destroys it.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

3 months is 4 months too long. Leave this a$$hole.


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

doobie said:


> Hi Ladies, I haven't been on TAM for quite a while but I used to post in the sex section as I was worried about our no sex marriage. I've now accepted that our marriage will not involve sex. However, during a recent row my H pushed me which is causing me serious concern.
> We'd been out to a local bar with a friend of mine who has just moved intonew apartment in our village. My H was tired and wanted to go home (we live a two minute walk away from the bar).. My friend an I were chatting with a bunch of friends, so I said we'd be home when we'd finished our drinks. As it was, we took a couple of hours (just got caught up in chatting with the girls) and then proceeded to walk home (friend was staying at our house that night). As we approached the house, my H came storming down the street in an absolute rage, calling us both *****es and c**ts and saying we should have finished our drinks ages ago. He walked right into my friend, headbutting her (not hard, but enough to leave sore patch the next day). I thought it was an accident. When we went into the house, he continued to rant, calling us awful names and then walked over to me (I was trying to get him to lower his voice and calm down) and pushed me. It wasn't hard and I wasn't hurt, but I'm really concerned about this - it's physical abuse.
> 
> I immediately told him I want a divorce (the first time I've ever mentioned divorce) as physical abuse of this sort is a deal breaker for me. We've since talked about it - he said he's never hit a woman before but I'm not sure I believe him. He told me that his ex partner beat herself up, bruising her face and blacking an eye and then called the police to try to get him arrested for beating her up. I now suspect that he did beat her up although he swears that he didn't. I've agreed to wait three months (this was two months ago, so I have a month to go) to give him the chance to turn things around. I really can't see me changing my mind - I'm sleeping in the spare room and can't see myself ever wanting to get in to bed with him again (ironic as I originally joined TAM looking for some solutions to the fact that my H never wanted sex with me and I was absolutely desperate for him to at first).
> ...


I would not give it another month. You need to start getting your affairs in order asap. As a person that grew up a house with domestic violence, I saw some pretty awful sh*t done to my Mom by my Dad and that was at a very YOUNG age!!! I grew up never wanting to get married and I vowed I would NEVER allow myself to go down that route.

The first thing I told my husband when we met and things were getting serious that I would NOT tolerate getting beat my my boyfriend or husband or any man for that matter. That was a deal breaker for me. Things were find and then we hit a rough part of our marriage but, thank goodness we both got our tempers under control and we've been married for 15 years.

The fact that he head butted your friend is pretty scary and I would not remain in the same house with him. Can you stay at a friends house??


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Good lord Doobie, there isn't one TAM member here who has EVER suggested you try to work it out with your smelly disgusting, now abusive husband!

For god's sakes, what the hell does it take to get you to leave the rat bum?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Here's the thing, Doobie: What sort of real, concrete progress can your husband make in the remaining 1 month? I realize you made a promise that you don't want to break. That's admirable. But what about the promises he made to you? In his vows when you got married? 

He has severe anger issues. That takes many months, if not years, to sort out. 1 month means nothing. And in that 1 month, if he finds out you're planning to leave? Extremely dangerous.

Your friends who have said would help you-do they have BFs or Hs? I would highly suggest when it's time to leave, you ask that they are there. Hell, I would have an army of friends show up on moving day. Strength in numbers.

Please keep us posted.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Thanks again for replies and support. I know this has been coming for a long time - I've tried absolutely everything to save my marriage but I've been ready to leave for quite a while now. My major problem is a lack of funds. I have no savings and am living from one month to the next. I don't earn a great deal (though I've recently found a regular weekly gardening job for a couple of hours which helps). Just about every penny I get goes on the rent, electric and phone bills and I haven't had the chance to save anything towards making my break. I'm looking for the cheapest place I can rent for the winter and I know I will probably have to spend the coming winter with no heating, but I'm willing to do that for my peace of mind. We live in rented accommodation and have no assets whatsoever. I know I can't afford a legal divorce proceedings, but I'm not too bothered about that - I just want to get out and live on my own. I have quite a lot of stuff to pack up so leaving surreptitiously is not going to work for me - I really can't do without my stuff. I'll make sure my computer is safe at all times as it's my means of making an income. I'm looking for more work online but it's fairly low paid for the most part. I have several long term clients which means a steady small income so that's promising. I'm also looking for more work offline - more gardening or cleaning, whatever I can do to bring in some money. I know that once I live on my own my bills will be dramatically reduced as I'm quite frugal but in the meantime, I still need to pay my share of our living expenses. I'll keep you all posted on how things go - I'm looking forward to a much happier future once I'm living alone again.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

doobie said:


> However, I've spent a few weeks back in the UK in the meantime, visiting my kids and had a wonderful time. It was such a relief to just be "me" without having to worry about anybody getting mad at me, totally freeing.


Doobie,

Why didn't you just stay with your kids? Do they know what's going on?


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

T&T said:


> Doobie,
> 
> Why didn't you just stay with your kids? Do they know what's going on?


No my kids don't know what's going on - I didn't want to worry them. As for why I didn't stay with them, I live here - I moved overseas before my husband did. I'd spent all of my adult life until then putting my heart and soul into bringing up my kids well and making sure they both got a really good education (including university). My move abroad was all about me finally being able to concentrate on what I want to do, having a bit of an adventure and some fun in a country with a much lower cost of living. I knew that staying in the Uk would consign me to poverty for the rest of my life - I'd watched all of my sisters having a brilliant time, living abroad for the most part which meant their kids left school at 14 with no qualifications. I was determined that my kids would have the experience and education they would need to live a more successful life than I've been able to. I just wanted to spend 10 years on myself before getting too old to do so. If I move back to the UK I can't even afford to rent somewhere to live and I refuse to become a burden on my kids, they have their own lives to live. I know I can turn this around and still have a few years left to have fun once I live alone.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

doobie said:


> No my kids don't know what's going on - I didn't want to worry them. As for why I didn't stay with them, I live here - I moved overseas before my husband did. I'd spent all of my adult life until then putting my heart and soul into bringing up my kids well and making sure they both got a really good education (including university). My move abroad was all about me finally being able to concentrate on what I want to do, having a bit of an adventure and some fun in a country with a much lower cost of living. I knew that staying in the Uk would consign me to poverty for the rest of my life - I'd watched all of my sisters having a brilliant time, living abroad for the most part which meant their kids left school at 14 with no qualifications. I was determined that my kids would have the experience and education they would need to live a more successful life than I've been able to. I just wanted to spend 10 years on myself before getting too old to do so. If I move back to the UK I can't even afford to rent somewhere to live *and I refuse to become a burden on my kids, they have their own lives to live.* I know I can turn this around and still have a few years left to have fun once I live alone.


I do respect that but this is a unique situation. Would you think about telling them and asking for a helping hand? Say, they helped you financially to get the hell out of there, return to the UK for a bit and then back abroad. 

An alternative would be just to lend you some money so you can get a place now. I wouldn't call that a burden, Doobie.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

T&T said:


> I do respect that but this is a unique situation. Would you think about telling them and asking for a helping hand? Say, they helped you financially to get the hell out of there, return to the UK for a bit and then back abroad.
> 
> An alternative would be just to lend you some money so you can get a place now. I wouldn't call that a burden, Doobie.


No, not so much the burden, but I would hate for my kids to have to worry about me. I'm the mum in the situation and the responsibilities and obligations are all with me. I'm a strong and tough woman and I'll manage it on my own with some help from my friends here. I'm so close to my kids (brought them up alone) that if they had even a hint of what's going on, they would worry about me dreadfully. I've had tough times in the past and always managed to get through without having to transfer the worry onto the kids in any way. I take my role as mum seriously (even though they're all adults now) and I just can't do anything at all that would cause my kids any worry or heartache. I don't want them even knowing that anything is wrong until I'm out of here. Then it will be a done deal, I'll let them know that my marriage is over and that I've left him and there won't be any need for them to be worried about me. I love them all so much that I just can't let them know what's going on right now.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

doobie said:


> No, not so much the burden, but I would hate for my kids to have to worry about me. I'm the mum in the situation and the responsibilities and obligations are all with me. I'm a strong and tough woman and I'll manage it on my own with some help from my friends here. I'm so close to my kids (brought them up alone) that if they had even a hint of what's going on, they would worry about me dreadfully. I've had tough times in the past and always managed to get through without having to transfer the worry onto the kids in any way. I take my role as mum seriously (even though they're all adults now) and I just can't do anything at all that would cause my kids any worry or heartache. I don't want them even knowing that anything is wrong until I'm out of here. Then it will be a done deal, I'll let them know that my marriage is over and that I've left him and there won't be any need for them to be worried about me. I love them all so much that I just can't let them know what's going on right now.


You are being abused in this relationship, the worse thing for your children to feel is guilt because their mom didn't care to let them know of her situation before it was too late. Just hope your husband does not become more abusive, and hope that you don't end up in the hospital as a result. You wouldn't want your kids standing over you wondering what they could have done to prevent it and how they could help you.

A stitch in time saves nine, work towards getting out NOW. If it comes to asking the kids for help, then do so. Give them a chance to help, it would save them from more worry later.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Doobie

It does gets worse . That push was a first n boundaries are tested . The next time will escalate . He already head butt your friend . Next is you . 

I think most who commented spoke from experience .


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Doobie, sharing with your kids what's going on in your life - in a mature, not whiny way is not a burden to them. Sometimes we all need helping hand. Look how happy you were over there with them. Are you willing to give this up?

And I do not see any reason for you to wait three months. what is the goal? What do you expect will happen that will make him a wondrful husband all of the sudden?


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

This is the beginning of the third calendar month since I agreed to give it 3 more months to give him a chance to turn things around. He brought this up himself a few days ago (Saturday) and said he's not willing to live like this indefinitely and I agreed with him but declined to talk about it at that time because he'd drunk nearly a whole bottle of whisky. When he drinks I lock my bedroom door at night - this does annoy him (he says it's insulting to him), but I feel safer that way. When we discussed it the next day when he was sober, he dod accuse me of not joining in wholeheartedly with trying to repair the relationship but I really don't see what I could have done other than pretend that everything's hunky dory and pretend to have feelings that I don't have. I just can't be false in that way - I have no feelings for him any more other than I pity him and I'm a bit scared of him. 

Anyway, the next day I called at my friend's house to telll her that we'd discussed it (she was urging me to discuss it now rather than wait til the end of the 3 months so that I can start this month looking for somewhere to live). When I arrived home, I was questioned about where I'd been and who I'd seen and who I'd talked to. Then, this morning my friend called because she'd found an apartment for me to look at. I just said I was going out for an hour which put a pretty pissed off look on his face. I went to see the apartment, it's not great, but it's affordable and will suit me fine for now so I'm considering it.

When I got home, my H said that when we go to pay the rent I could ask the property agent about finding somewhere for me to live and I replied that yes, that would be useful and said that I am going to see a local woman in the village tomorrow morning as she knows of so many places available to rent. He got really pissed off about that, saying that everybody in the village would know that I'm leaving him which is pretty ridiculous as everybody in the village knows about his temper (having seen it at first hand several times). It's actually a much better option for me to find somewhere through the local community in this way as most properties are not listed with agents and also, I will be able to avoid paying expensive agency fees which I really cannot afford at the moment. 

He's still really pissed off at me, blames the split on me (despite the fact that I've been begging him for the past 18 months to join in and help repair our relationship which he wasn't willing to do until 2 months ago when he pushed me and that meant it's already too late for me). We ate dinner today as we usually do, me sitting at the table eating while he sits in an armchair in the kitchen, eating his food from his lap, with headphones on, watching the TV on his laptop. As soon as I left the room to return to my office/bedroom, he took the headphones off, closed my door and I can now hear the TV blaring (I've lived in a house without a TV for so many years because I cannot stand to have the TV on and listen to all the shouting, drama, car chases and gun shots and explosions) I like peace and to listen to the birds and the sounds of nature.

I'm hopeful now that I will be out of here in a few weeks, moving into my own place and getting back to being me, rather than somebody who is jumpy and scared all the time, waiting for his temper to flare up again.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Good luck Doobie!


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Yes, good luck, please be careful and don't discuss details with him if you can help it. He's itching for another fight. Please keep us posted.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Thank you - I will use this thread to keep you posted. Because he changes his mind and mood so much, I'm not particularly looking forward to the next month though I am looking forward to getting out. I think the sight of me packing up my stuff is likely to be hard for him(though during a rational conversation yesterday, he promised to help me move and wants to stay friends). At the moment, I'm going along with that in a bid to keep things smooth while I get out.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Best of luck doobie. Be very careful!


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## mslyn (Aug 14, 2015)

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I think that you're smart to leave this marriage. The fact that he called you so many foul names is a pretty bad sign. Then he headbutted your friend!? He then proceeded to push you. All of this was because he wanted to control you and not allow you to go out with friends, without him. 

On top of these very serious and dangerous problems, you are not at all satisfied sexually.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Doobie you know the answer!

Your husband is a douche bag, and you should have left him a LONG time ago. He has so many problems, I can't believe you've put up with him for so long. Seriously this is no surprise, and just another tick on the "red flag" list.

We love you girl! Stand up for yourself, and get away from that terrible man. You deserve so much more than that!

PS. Glad to see you back.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Good lord Doobie, there isn't one TAM member here who has EVER suggested you try to work it out with your smelly disgusting, now abusive husband!
> 
> For god's sakes, what the hell does it take to get you to leave the rat bum?


:iagree:

*THIS*


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

So, here's the latest update. After several difficult weeks with some mood swings from H, I have finally found a place to live that I can afford and am moving in next Wednesday. H knows about it and seems to have now accepted it is over and is being reasonably supportive. I've found a tiny house with a large living room/kitchen downstairs and quite a large bedroom upstairs. Both floors have balconies with a fab view. It's very small compared with what I'm used to, but quite "bijou". It will be a real financial struggle for the first couple of months, but I live quite frugally, the bills will be low, the rent is cheap and I know that it will only take a couple of months to get myself back on track financially. I have packed about half my stuff and will spend the next few days frantically packing the rest  . I am so looking forward to reclaiming my life and being the real me again - no tv, peace and quiet and lots of walking with a friend who has been really supportive throughout. Over the past week or so, she has helped me ask around, look for and view places to live. Every day, she gives me some of the food she's cooked that day to take home with me as she knows I'm broke and trying to use up my stuff in the cupboards and freezer so it's less stuff to move - she really has been a star. I've lost 4 kilos over the past few weeks due to the stress (I'm already quite slender so will need to put the weight back on). I will be able to do yoga every morning in my bedroom with the balcony doors open, looking out at the mountains. I'm really feeling that my life is getting back on track. Will post again after the move to let everybody know how it went. Thank you all here for all your kind words and support, it really has meant a lot to me over the past 18 months as I've struggled to first of all improve my marriage, and when that proved impossible, make the decision to leave.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Oh I'm SO HAPPY FOR YOU Doobie!

Way to go!

Your post sounds very positive and uplifting. I'm elated for you.

And your friend is a gem. I'm so glad you have her in your life.

And if you were in close proximity, I'd fatten you up with my wonderful baked goods. :grin2:

I'm very excited for you. This is a new chapter of your life. Hell, it's a totally new book.

Way to be strong. Please be careful until you actually leave. I'm fearful your H will retaliate in some way. Watch your back.


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

WTG Doobie! :yay: 

I know I'm not the only one who's been hoping you'd get out of your situation for a long time now. It'll be tough yet, but life will get better again! Keep dropping by to update.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Although I know this is the ladies' lounge, I have been following Doobie's sad tale of abuse and neglect for some time.
Congratulations on getting yourself out of that mess! :smile2:


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

doobie said:


> So, here's the latest update. After several difficult weeks with some mood swings from H, I have finally found a place to live that I can afford and am moving in next Wednesday. H knows about it and seems to have now accepted it is over and is being reasonably supportive. I've found a tiny house with a large living room/kitchen downstairs and quite a large bedroom upstairs. Both floors have balconies with a fab view. It's very small compared with what I'm used to, but quite "bijou". It will be a real financial struggle for the first couple of months, but I live quite frugally, the bills will be low, the rent is cheap and I know that it will only take a couple of months to get myself back on track financially. I have packed about half my stuff and will spend the next few days frantically packing the rest
> 
> 
> 
> ...


AWESOME.. CONGRATS!!! Do not allow him to take you back!!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Good, bad, or indifferent ~ head butting is deemed to be an act of physical assault and summarily should have been reported to the authorities!

Ergo, you need to remove yourself from that perilous scenario yesterday. It's your safety and peace of mind that is at stake from the sheer whims and pleasures of a dictatorial bully!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What a great update.

But please, DO stay super-vigilant these next few days, as it's at the point of leaving that the worst abuse happens. Always keep your keys in your pocket and your purse near the door so you can leave directly if he becomes dangerous.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

turnera said:


> What a great update.
> 
> But please, DO stay super-vigilant these next few days, as it's at the point of leaving that the worst abuse happens. Always keep your keys in your pocket and your purse near the door so you can leave directly if he becomes dangerous.


Thanks for all the likes on this and the support, it really does mean a lot. I signed my contract today, H seems to have accepted it. He knows that I'm popular locally and has already said that he thinks he'd been run out of our village if he were to do anything to harm me.

As for getting out safely, he's offered me the use of his van to move my stuff. In the meantime, my purse and keys are always in my handbag next to me and I have an overnight bag with emergency clothing and toiletries (and a pair of walking boots as it's flip flops weather here right now) where I can grab it and run if necessary. I'm strong and fit and I know that once I take off, there's no way he'd catch me, he can't even keep up with me when I'm walking fast.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Okay, the van is packed with all of my stuff and tomorrow is moving day. Really looking forward to it. H is being quite cool about it all and helpful at the moment. It will be a couple of weeks maybe before my internet connection is up and running in the new place, so my desk and computer will stay here and I will need to come here several days a week to work until I'm connected. I'm pretty confident that it will all go smoothly. to all of those who thought I should ask my kids for help, here's an update on that. I emailed my kids yesterday to let them know that I'm leaving but that everything is fine, everything is under control, I have a nice place to live and that I'm totally happy and excited about the move. My oldest daughter emailed back immediately, obviously worried sick about me and asking if I need to return from abroad, I can stay with her and my son in law as long as I like, I can live with them forever if I want. The youngest emailed not long afterwards asking if I'm okay, again worried about me and asking if I can stay with my friend tonight. Both told me how much they love me and I know I'm the luckiest woman in the world to have such amazing daughters. I've emailed both of them, reassuring them how very okay I am and that they're not to worry about me. The reason I delayed telling them until now is that I knew how much each of them would worry (I don't know why, I brought them up on my own and they both know that I've a very strong and capable woman). I'm sat here tonight feeling like the luckiest person on the planet to have such beautiful and caring daughters - my girls really do rock. I'll update after the move to let everyone know how it went.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

doobie, so happy you are finally leaving. :smile2: Best of luck. Your new life is going to be amazing. Stay watchful and be on guard. Love your daughters, hope mines will be just like yours.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Doobe congratulations are in order. You are indeed blessed. Your daughters are beautiful women and you raised them. What a proud moment for you. Bask in it. Also realise how strong you are.

My very warmest wishes to you.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Quick update as I don't yet have an internet connection in my new place and have come back to my H's house to get some work done. I work online as a freelance writer.

The move went fairly smoothly - van unloaded in an hour. Then my friend stayed with me all day, cleaning, unpacking, sorting and organising. There were a few issues - the bathroom is practically unusable - toilet doesn't flush (sorted it out temporarily by using a bucket of water), cistern leaks and floods bathroom (which landlady will need to get fixed), wardrobe is broken and needs to be repaired before I can unpack and store clothes.

However, we had a great day (though exhausting) and then enjoyed an evening meal (cold stuff) on my upstairs balcony. She got a bottle of wine out, I had one glass of raki (and lots of cups of tea) and we sat and chilled watching the sun go down over some spectacular views.

This morning I woke up, did some yoga on the upstairs balcony, then had breakfast there. I still have loads to do before the new place is as I want it, but I feel so free I've been singing and smiling all day  . I unpacked and plugged in my speakers, connected my offline Spotify playlists and had a bop around the living room before coming here to get a few hours work done.

Everything is cool, I'm loving my own space and being me again and really looking forward to the future in my tiny little house (so small it's easy to keep clean which will give me loads more time to get out and about walking and exploring).


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

So happy for you, doobie! It was pleasure just to read this update


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Yay - still loving it and everything is cool. Bathroom still hasn't been fixed but the landlady is contacting a plumber to come and get the job done. I don't have a sofa (husband didn't want me to take the little two seater I bought when we moved here and I can't be bothered to argue about it) so I sit on the bottom step of the stairs quite a bit or on my fab rocking chair on my top balcony. I still don't have all of my stuff out of my H's house as I need to work here until the internet is connected next week. I've also lifted most of my plants into pots (I've spent a lot of time over the past two years creating a garden from nothing) to put on my balconies. I live right next door to a derelict house that has a small patch of wasteland in front of it that I can use to create a new garden, so really looking forward to getting stuck into that  . In the meantime, every time I've come back to do some work, I carry a plant home with me as I just can't bear to be without any flowers at all. There's an orange tree growing on the wasteland (my intended garden) that was covered in little birds last night when I sat enjoying the views so I can hopefully start feeding them and attracting them to my balconies.

My house is tiny but very cute (on an old cobbled street) - I'm working hard on getting it looking good, have loads of ideas and am really enjoying and appreciating my freedom  .


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Personal said:


> Good for you doobie, I was worried you'd never lift yourself out of this.
> 
> I know the fear of ending something can sometimes be almost all consuming, the nice thing though is the actual leaving can be such a tremendous relief. I hope you keep in touch here because I'd love to know how everything is going along the way.
> 
> Cheers.


While the fear of ending did come into it (especially as we live overseas and don't have family support), the fear of staying and spending the rest of my life in a miserable and abusive relationship was far stronger.

I still don't have the bathroom fixed in my new place (landlady is being a little bit too casual about it), I still much prefer it there in my own space. Yes, the future is a little daunting, I'm in my fifties, living overseas where most of the people who speak my language are in couples. My H has also spread a couple of nasty rumours about me (saying we used to have group sex sessions and that I'm a s**t) in a bid to ensure that no men are interested in me but people around as are discovering for themselves what a liar he is. 

I will keep posting updates on a regular basis. I'm loving my new life. I was clearing up a patch of ground outside the front of my house yesterday with a view to creating a little garden there when some neighbours drove past, rolled the windows down and said Hello (in Greek). A couple of minutes later, the guy came walking towards the house and presented me with a couple of bunches of grapes from their vine. People in my village are generous, friendly and welcoming to newcomers so I'm feeling really hopeful about the future.


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