# So what's my next move?



## AtAStandstill (Feb 2, 2011)

This may be long and not make a ton of sense, but here goes:

I've been married 3 years, been together 4 1/2, known each other for over 10 years, and we dated in the past before the marriage. The first time we dated, I ended it and he was devastated. I was just not ready for the commitment that he wanted. When he came back into my life, he was just what I needed, when I needed it, and I was happy. So here's my issues: A cpl of years ago, I told him that I had no idea just how little we had in common until we were married. We never argue, but I think that's because we never talk. We never addressed the important issues that most people should before marriage, and that plays a large role in my current distress. I like to actively save and plan for the future...him, not so much. We have a ton of things we need to handle with our house, and he wants to spend all his money on hobbies. I am very motivated, I worked 2 jobs to put myself through school, b/c I wanted a better life, and he barely got his GED. When I married him, I ended up back in the same town and doing the same things that I worked so hard to get away from. He says that it is temporary, but he doesn't do anything to change it. He has talked about going back to school the whole time I've known him, yet he never does. 

I feel like I'm being drug down mentally, emotionally, and financially. I want kids, and he asks me if we are really going to do that. So now I've decided that I want kids, but not with him. I don't mind being the "bread winner" but I still need a partner, not an adult child that I have to drag through life. I've gotten depressed, to the point that all I want to do is work and sleep. I've stopped doing the things I love. And our poor sex life! I only want to have sex with him if I am drinking. Not cool. 


I want to talk to him about it, but I'm not even sure where to begin. I've kept my mouth shut b/c I made vows and I do not want to hurt him...but how long can I live my life being unhappy? Furthermore, I am almost at the point of not wanting to work on anything and just give up. I'm tired of being lonely and silent. What do I do?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

AtAStandstill said:


> I've kept my mouth shut b/c I made vows and I do not want to hurt him...but how long can I live my life being unhappy?


Your vows include operating at a couple and being honest with each other. Not doing so is a greater misdeed and more damaging to the relationship. Would you rather hurt him by staying silent until the resentment becomes overwhelming, past the point of no return? (If you are not already there.) I would take some time to put together a list of his behaviors that are not conducive to your happiness (Look at your self also). Also a list of your goals and time-lines. Sit down with him for a serious conversation about the two lists. Make sure you discuss his needs and aspirations also. Make it a compassionate conversation with the good of both of you in mind and don't let it degenerate into a point counter point argument. If he is receptive, its a start. Bottom line you both need to communicate.


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## AtAStandstill (Feb 2, 2011)

Thanks for replying Amp.

I have tried the past couple of days to talk to him about things. I have asked him about school, and he gives me the same "August is my time" response. Additionally, I think he plans on only taking it one class at a time, and he wants to become a nurse. Which means it will be years before he gets anywhere with it. I should also state that he attempted college a few times before we got together, but he quit in mid semester each time. My issue is that we are not getting any younger, and he wants me to stay at home if we have kids. His income is in the 20s, mine is closer to 50 or 60, so I'm not sure how that would work. Plus, he keeps turning down promotions at work, which include higher wages b/c he doesn't want the responsibilty, and he is afraid it will interfere with school several years from now. 

Then, I asked him if he thought we never argue b/c we never really talk, and his response was "We talk, I just think we are too smart to argue." Our convos never include things other than work, dogs, his car, etc. Thats why we don't argue. I cannot talk about issues happening in the world (have intelligent convo about world issues outside of us) b/c he opebly admits his ignorance to such things, and his unwillingness to learn about them. I miss talking. About anything other than what's for dinner and what's on tv. 

I'm afraid he will take the defense no matter how I approach him with my concerns in our marriage. Or make me feel bad because I have certain feelings about things. 

Maybe I should seek out a counselor to mediate?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Counseling might help but there may be some things to try first. Your husband is exhibiting some common behaviors in men. Some things I was guilty of when my marriage nearly imploded. He is non confrontational or is unwilling to address issues. By doing so, he is ignoring his marriage and you. The trick is to get him to see there are real issues in the marriage and with him without it coming off as attacking. It's OK to hurt him, sometimes that is needed to produce change. Have you considered a carefully and thoughtfully composed letter explaining your concerns and feelings? Just writing one might be both therapeutic and help you organize your thoughts.


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