# It's finally over with my serial cheating husband



## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

I posted here a little over a year ago, when I was newly pregnant and found out my husband was once again on dating sites. You can find the post here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...nline-dating-sites-now-giving-out-number.html

I didn't listen and forgave him. I guess I was scared to do it alone with a baby, and I also believed that he could change. 

Over the next year, we dealt with issue after issue. His anger problems when getting caught. Thousands of dollars every few months being gone. Multiple nights disappearing. In July of this year, he gave me an STD. Thankfully it was curable. He finally admitted to having over 10 sexual encounters. I'm sure there were more. This is in a time span of a 3 year marriage.

He has talked to countless women through craigslist, backpage, dating websites, and disappearing in the middle of the night and withdrawing cash which I'm sure is for paid sex. I've talked to at least 3 women, one of which was an escort. I was beyond stupid, just chugging along thinking he could change which he always promised to. I guess he finally found a new victim because he has finally let me go. Or for now he has. I have arranged to move back to my hometown and live with my parents. My son is coming with me of course. I feel pathetic that it took all of this, and him being on board with the marriage being over, for me to leave. I'm so ashamed.

For those who have dealt with a serial cheating spouse, please tell me your story. Tell me if there is light at the end of this horrific tunnel. Tell me that I will find someone better, or at least be happier on my own.

I feel free in a way. Like I can become myself again. His actions have brought out the worst in me. I've become a miserable, emotionally crazy person. I lash out all the time at him. I hate it.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Awwww, so sorry! First, it's not your fault for wanting to believe the best in someone. You will heal and thrive and your outbursts will lessen with time. You are NOT pathetic. I just posted a meme on my FB that says, "Don't believe everything you think." JUST DON'T! 😊


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Go ahead! Get good and angry! You have earned it. Yell at his pathetic a$$. Good gosh he gave you an STD. I was married to a serial cheater. I have no idea how many in total. He was very diligent there for awhile.

I can say I have moved on and I am much further down the road of healing than I used to be. This sort of stuff does shake you to the core and I've come to believe it should. No one deserves. So get good and mad.

Once you've dealt with that anger, perhaps the key to getting through surviving a serial cheater is to develop appropriate boundaries. Why in the world did you not put your foot down sooner? Right now, if you think about it, you probably don't have an answer. Finding an honest answer to those kinds of questions is a great start to healing. Get to the point where you know you are worth so much more than what you and your child received.

Oh, and go to an attorney-or if money is an issue legal aid, or social services and get a child support order, hopefully before you move out. Men who like online cheating seem to have issues with cash flow when it comes to financial obligations like child support. You can split everything else later, but your child should have to wait for food and clothing.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Good for you - you're taking the steps to give yourself a brighter and happier future. A year from now, you'll be kicking yourself for not having left him sooner.

Yes, you will find love again, and you will be happier without this albatross around your neck. You are always better on your own than staying with someone who brings you down. You will never have to wonder again if he is cheating on you! You are free! Congratulations!

I'm glad you have family support - that's the best thing for you right now.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

I'm sorry you got so dreadfully hurt, but I agree there's nothing wrong with believing the best about someone. And I agree, get good and angry. Before my h hooked up with the long-term OW, I think there was at least one more, and I know he was on porn sites, and had a profile on a dating site. It's all very hurtful, but as you say, you feel so much freer now, and norajane's right, in a year you'll be yourself again. The crazy train cheaters carry us along on can make us crazy, and you managed to have a child and keep it all together, so I bet you're strong. Sometimes we just need more proof, and sometimes we just need to know we did the best we could in the insanity of the situation, so that when we DO move on, we don't ask a lot of what if's about our responses during the shock and awe. 

Good luck!


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> Go ahead! Get good and angry! You have earned it. Yell at his pathetic a$$. Good gosh he gave you an STD. I was married to a serial cheater. I have no idea how many in total. He was very diligent there for awhile.
> 
> I can say I have moved on and I am much further down the road of healing than I used to be. This sort of stuff does shake you to the core and I've come to believe it should. No one deserves. So get good and mad.
> 
> ...



I've been angry, and lashed out so many times over the past year. I have been reading a book on codependency and see much of myself in it. I believe that this is part of the reason why I had no boundaries with him. It was always a little more and more that would become forgivable, until it came to this. Thanks for the advice on the lawyer, I'm trying to figure out how custody and child support are going to work.


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

Thank you guys  I believe I did give it my all, tried to do my part to change. He was better for a few months and then would slip again and it would all go downhill. This cycle happened over and over again. All I see now is a boy...an immature, selfish, and very hurt boy. I am so thankful my parents will take me in. I am so terrified to do this but I think I am finally ready.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

laura,

Can you imagine being 50,60 or 80 years old and still married to this clown? The only thing which will keep this guy from cheating is castration or impotence.

While we can mourn your loss of your childs father, this man is just not husband material and will eventually subject you to an affair with your best friend or some other horror.

Tamat


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You asked for more info...my experience is that I know quite a few men who simply believe it's their right to get as much sex as they can get. Married or not. These men I know have NO problem lying to their wives' faces and driving to see another woman. I could tell you such horror stories. 

Bottom line, get to know the next man you meet VERY well, become his friend before you become his girlfriend - see him as he is with OTHER people, and you'll get a sense for what he believes and will do.

And thank goodness you're leaving. That man needs mental help.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

So sorry to hear about all you've been through.  He is horrible - it's unbelievably selfish of him to not "only" cheat but also cheat with prostitutes and without protection, with a pregnant wife. Someone needs to educate that man - he really endangered both you and the baby. 

When you get settled, I'd strongly advise finding an individual counselor who can help you work through the aftermath and find new ways to handle your codependent tendencies. 

Hugs - so sorry you are here.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

laura1013 said:


> Thank you guys  I believe I did give it my all, tried to do my part to change. He was better for a few months and then would slip again and it would all go downhill. This cycle happened over and over again. All I see now is a boy...an immature, selfish, and very hurt boy. I am so thankful my parents will take me in. I am so terrified to do this but I think I am finally ready.


I'm sorry to hear this Laura. May I ask, did he go to any counseling?

FWIW, I know you must be frightened, but I send you my strength and I know others feel the same. All the best.


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

MountainRunner said:


> I'm sorry to hear this Laura. May I ask, did he go to any counseling?
> 
> FWIW, I know you must be frightened, but I send you my strength and I know others feel the same. All the best.


No, he would always promise to attend sex addict meetings or counseling or marriage retreats and never follow through. He just won't get help for his issues.


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

I'm terrified. I was staying home with my son this whole time. I'm terrified to start over at 32. I know it's not old, but I now am back at my parents house in my 30s, looking for a job, and having to start fresh. I'm trying not to overthink everything and just take it a step at a time. I try not to think about his actions and how cruel and selfish he was. How he put my health and my son's health at risk. How he didn't seem to care about how I would be hurt. I keep trying to remember that his actions are his own issues and have nothing to do with me. I know being back with family and good friends will help distract me from overthinking all of this and being able to try to move on. Even now I'm scared to have this change but I'm more scared to being sucked back into this marriage on promises of change.


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

TeddieG said:


> I'm sorry you got so dreadfully hurt, but I agree there's nothing wrong with believing the best about someone. And I agree, get good and angry. Before my h hooked up with the long-term OW, I think there was at least one more, and I know he was on porn sites, and had a profile on a dating site. It's all very hurtful, but as you say, you feel so much freer now, and norajane's right, in a year you'll be yourself again. The crazy train cheaters carry us along on can make us crazy, and you managed to have a child and keep it all together, so I bet you're strong. Sometimes we just need more proof, and sometimes we just need to know we did the best we could in the insanity of the situation, so that when we DO move on, we don't ask a lot of what if's about our responses during the shock and awe.
> 
> Good luck!


Thank you, this means a lot. People have told me I'm strong, and although I feel so broken and weak at times, I know I have that strength in me. I still feel a lot of "what ifs" like what if I didn't lash out as much or what if I wasn't so controlling or what if I was less emotional. Ultimately though I know a lot of my "crazy" behavior stems from what he's done. I don't think I've had one birthday with him where he made me feel special. The first birthday, 3 weeks after we were married, he snuck off when I was asleep to go to a strip club. If that shouldn't have screamed annulment, I guess I was as naive as they come.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

His cheating has nothing to do with you. He sounds like a complete narcassist. He will not change and will seek out women who will fall for his sweet-talking, placating lies in order to keep his cheating lifestyle. 

You will get nowhere doing the "pick me" dance. It will just wear you out. Save your time and energy moving ahead. 

He will want to come back several times but it will be in your best interest to ignore him completely. The more contact you have with him, the easier it will be to get sucked back in. 

You should only mediate through an attorney or someone you trust. Stay away from this man. He is never going to be the man you thought he was. He tricked you and that is not your fault. Don't let him get away with folding you again.


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

Rugs said:


> His cheating has nothing to do with you. He sounds like a complete narcassist. He will not change and will seek out women who will fall for his sweet-talking, placating lies in order to keep his cheating lifestyle.
> 
> You will get nowhere doing the "pick me" dance. It will just wear you out. Save your time and energy moving ahead.
> 
> ...


It's still so hard for me to see him that way, is that normal? He mentioned several times the past few months when things were good that he was actively working on not visiting anything online or downloading any apps that would tempt him. Almost like it was an addiction that pulled him in. I question whether he's just a serial cheating narcissist or a sex addict. it's probably a waste of time.

He had a good side, I don't believe him to be an evil person. I believe him to have a deeply rooted issue that I cannot fix. Although I had hoped I could help him get better, I know I can't. I know I deserve more. I hope we can keep things civil for my son. I always want him to be a part of my son's life. I just want to be a good mother and make sure that the toxic marriage does not affect our child in any way. I felt so strong yesterday and now I feel so sad today! I keep even questioning if I should just stay in this state or continue to move with my parents to NY. (We are in VA). He is okay with me moving, not happy about it, but accepts it.


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## parati (Oct 20, 2015)

I was that guy, like your husband, at one time so maybe I can offer some insight from the other side to help? First it was because of my feeling inadequate about marrying early and having 'missed' the single phase. I felt like I was doing things like raising kids while everyone else was having fun. When I acted out, it evolved into a sexual addiction and obsession with more and more. After we separated, I made a GF and cheated on her because I was still in that pattern, causing the relationship to end. 

After years of separation I burned out, and realized what a fool I had been. Now divorced, I've had the same GF for years and have zero desire to cheat on her or even seriously consider any other woman. I'm burned out for life I think. It's probably a phase. I would do whatever possible through calm waiting, counseling, etc. 

This is a psychological problem that he needs to deal with before he can be a proper husband. My ex and I separated causing the eventual death of our marriage due to not being together to talk through things. In retrospect we both wish we had stuck in there and not separated, even if living as room mates, because the pain of divorce and impact on our kids has been much heavier than the problems we had when together. After all, when you have kids together, you've got to work together for 18 years, divorced or not. Being divorced only makes it harder on everyone in the family. I think time would solve his problems, without a divorce. He will burn out and realize that what he's doing, is pitiful and he's a slave to this. Eventually that realization strikes.


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

parati said:


> I was that guy, like your husband, at one time so maybe I can offer some insight from the other side to help? First it was because of my feeling inadequate about marrying early and having 'missed' the single phase. I felt like I was doing things like raising kids while everyone else was having fun. When I acted out, it evolved into a sexual addiction and obsession with more and more. After we separated, I made a GF and cheated on her because I was still in that pattern, causing the relationship to end.
> 
> After years of separation I burned out, and realized what a fool I had been. Now divorced, I've had the same GF for years and have zero desire to cheat on her or even seriously consider any other woman. I'm burned out for life I think. It's probably a phase. I would do whatever possible through calm waiting, counseling, etc.
> 
> This is a psychological problem that he needs to deal with before he can be a proper husband. My ex and I separated causing the eventual death of our marriage due to not being together to talk through things. In retrospect we both wish we had stuck in there and not separated, even if living as room mates, because the pain of divorce and impact on our kids has been much heavier than the problems we had when together. After all, when you have kids together, you've got to work together for 18 years, divorced or not. Being divorced only makes it harder on everyone in the family. I think time would solve his problems, without a divorce. He will burn out and realize that what he's doing, is pitiful and he's a slave to this. Eventually that realization strikes.


Thank you for your insight. He was 24 when we met and 26 when we married and often remarks that he wasn't really ready for marriage. He does exactly what you do, wants to "act out" and party instead of the family time. He'll be family orientated for a few months and then go back to the talking to other women/spending money/sneaking out. 

Although I would love to believe he can change, I am wary to just stick it out for him. I'm scared of wasting all of my young years and have to start over after even more time has passed. My son is 9 months so wouldn't it be better now before he's more used to us being together?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

laura1013 said:


> He was 24 when we met and 26 when we married and often remarks that he wasn't really ready for marriage.


He's still not ready for marriage. You ARE strong. Thank goodness you have the support of your parents and loved ones. One step at a time, one day at a time. Change, even for the better, is very scary.

I will suggest again to go to chumplady.com. She has a way with words that really resonate. She cuts through all the fluff and bullsh*t.

What you are doing now is the template for how your son will view his own relationships. It wasn't healthy before and you don't want him to grow up like his father, to not respect women and relationships. You're doing a great service to not only you, but your son. :smile2:

Hang in there, you're doing just fine.


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

lucy999 said:


> He's still not ready for marriage. You ARE strong. Thank goodness you have the support of your parents and loved ones. One step at a time, one day at a time. Change, even for the better, is very scary.
> 
> I will suggest again to go to chumplady.com. She has a way with words that really resonate. She cuts through all the fluff and bullsh*t.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I often think how I don't want my son doing this to a woman. I have read chumplady and she really is on point.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Holy cow, time will not solve her H's problems! Serial cheaters are not going through a phase, like adolescence. Intensive counseling MIGHT, MIGHT help. Parati, you say you just woke up one day and realized all you lost. I'll take you at your word, but this is not sound advice for a young woman and her child. It offers her no protection from further even more disastrous harm. He's given her an STD once already, and thankfully it was treatable-so the next time?

Laura, I know you are scared and sad and worried about the future. You are indeed young and can make life what you want. In VA (the most likely situs of the divorce, but not definitely), you must be separated for a year before you can file for divorce, but New York also uses a year separation, unless you are citing specific grounds. So, my advice is get legally separated for your protection. It will guarantee you don't have to pay his bills and that you and your child have some support. Separation does not mandate divorce. 

That being said, your H is blame-shifting. He tells you when "things are good" he doesn't screw around. Horse-hockey. The implication being when "things" are not good he does. Nothing, nothing, nothing you did, or didn't do caused your H to be a serial cheater. It doesn't matter the label you put on it. He is unwilling to stop, or get help. You are absolutely correct that you cannot fix him. Believing I could fix my ex was what caused me to stay in a 28 year marriage. It was a mistake. That is a problem you will not have. 

You don't see him as bad or unworthy, because I suspect you are a bit co-dependent. It wouldn't make sense for you to think you could help someone who was completely worthless. He's not completely worthless. But he is cruel, selfish, and he has assaulted you (giving your partner an STD is an assault under the law). Your co-dependent eyes won't let you see it that way. You and your child are not priorities to him. Perhaps that will change. But that is something he must do for himself.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

parati said:


> I was that guy, like your husband, at one time so maybe I can offer some insight from the other side to help? First it was because of my feeling inadequate about marrying early and having 'missed' the single phase. I felt like I was doing things like raising kids while everyone else was having fun. When I acted out, it evolved into a sexual addiction and obsession with more and more. After we separated, I made a GF and cheated on her because I was still in that pattern, causing the relationship to end.
> 
> After years of separation I burned out, and realized what a fool I had been. Now divorced, I've had the same GF for years and have zero desire to cheat on her or even seriously consider any other woman. I'm burned out for life I think. It's probably a phase. I would do whatever possible through calm waiting, counseling, etc.
> 
> This is a psychological problem that he needs to deal with before he can be a proper husband. My ex and I separated causing the eventual death of our marriage due to not being together to talk through things. In retrospect we both wish we had stuck in there and not separated, even if living as room mates, because the pain of divorce and impact on our kids has been much heavier than the problems we had when together. After all, when you have kids together, you've got to work together for 18 years, divorced or not. Being divorced only makes it harder on everyone in the family. I think time would solve his problems, without a divorce. He will burn out and realize that what he's doing, is pitiful and he's a slave to this. Eventually that realization strikes.




You have no idea if you are like this guy or not. 

This woman has only been married about two years. Her husband has been doing this a long time and while she was pregnant. 

Please don't listen to this " sake of the child" bull... My goodness!! 


You are doing the right thing by putting as much distance as you can between your abusive husband and your family. 

No one is all bad. I'm sure Charles Manson had some good qualities..... Of course you want to hold on to the good feelings but they are not real. 

This person took advantage of his wife in the worst way. You don't have years and years invested in this. Imagine having five kids, being 50 years old, owning thousands of dollars in loans, children, homes.....

A lot of us here would say by getting out this early, you are extremely lucky. You have paid a major price by having your trust shattered and your life ripped apart so please get this jerk out of your life as fast as you can. 

Don't wait for him to "come around", it's not going to happen. Hooray for the previous poster but this is not the advice you are going to get from me. 

Put yourself and your child first and remember what this man has done to you and taken from you. 

You should have been able to enjoy your first pregnancy, not get embroiled in your husband's complete selfishness. I could never forgive such a betrayal. 

In time you will find a nice man but he's not going to come along while this loser is still in the picture. 

Hello NY!


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> Holly cow, time will not solve her H's problems! Serial cheaters are not going through a phase, like adolescence. Intensive counseling MIGHT, MIGHT help. Parati, you say you just woke up one day and realized all you lost. I'll take you at your word, but this is not sound advice for a young woman and her child. It offers her no protection from further even more disastrous harm. He's given her an STD once already, and thankfully it was treatable-so the next time?
> 
> Laura, I know you are scared and sad and worried about the future. You are indeed young and can make life what you want. In VA (the most likely situs of the divorce, but not definitely), you must be separated for a year before you can file for divorce, but New York also uses a year separation, unless you are citing specific grounds. So, my advice is get legally separated for your protection. It will guarantee you don't have to pay his bills and that you and your child have some support. Separation does not mandate divorce.
> 
> ...


I definitely think I'm co-dependent after reading a book and doing some online research. Thank you for the advice. You are right.


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

Wow.... You did everything you could. Move on. If he's a good dad, don't screw him over with the kids but you're doing good getting out of there.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

laura1013 said:


> I'm terrified. I was staying home with my son this whole time. I'm terrified to start over at 32. I know it's not old, but I now am back at my parents house in my 30s, looking for a job, and having to start fresh. I'm trying not to overthink everything and just take it a step at a time. I try not to think about his actions and how cruel and selfish he was. How he put my health and my son's health at risk. How he didn't seem to care about how I would be hurt. I keep trying to remember that his actions are his own issues and have nothing to do with me. I know being back with family and good friends will help distract me from overthinking all of this and being able to try to move on. Even now I'm scared to have this change but I'm more scared to being sucked back into this marriage on promises of change.


Don't be scared. Hell, many people NEVER leave their parents' house in the first place! And after the Recession, a TON of people are back in their parents' houses, through no fault of their own. Nothing shameful about that. My DD is in grad school and if she hadn't met her boyfriend and made plans to move in with him next year, she would have stayed with us another 7 or 8 years. It just is what it is. 

And his actions ARE his own actions. Remember that each of us marries for our own selfish reasons. Even if you love the person, you're still marrying for a selfish reason: to be happy. It's just that HIS happy meant being ALL ABOUT HIMSELF and you were just a tool toward that end.

I often say that people in their 20s are really just learning how to be an adult and don't quite have it down right, lol. The 20s is when you try things out and make mistakes and LEARN from them. So consider this part of your learning phase toward getting ready for your REAL adulthood, and just be glad that this learning phase gave you a beautiful child.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

laura1013 said:


> It's still so hard for me to see him that way, is that normal? He mentioned several times the past few months when things were good that *he was actively working on not visiting anything online or downloading any apps *that would tempt him.


laura, why should a wife have to accept that?

A wife should be able to expect her husband to want ONLY HER. That's not asking that much.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

parati said:


> I was that guy
> 
> Being divorced only makes it harder on everyone in the family. I think time would solve his problems, without a divorce. He will burn out and realize that what he's doing, is pitiful and he's a slave to this. Eventually that realization strikes.


Or...he'll go 'wow, she's easy. She doesn't ask that much of me, she just wants to stay married at all costs, whoopee! I can do whatever the hell I want cuz she's a doormat.

And never change.

Psychologically speaking the latter is the most common result.

We only change when the pain of staying in the present is worse than the pain of changing. YOU changed because you LOST your wife and your family. Her staying with him ROBS him of that opportunity to change.


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## parati (Oct 20, 2015)

It would help if he has to explain his actions to a male counselor, in private and then you see that same counselor separately. That helped us in the same situation but by the time we did that, we had been seperated too long, she had a lawyer and it was too late to really have a genuine discussion. Remember, the only person who really benefits from divorce is the divorce lawyer.


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

Thank you all. It's so good to get advice from people outside of the situation. I really appreciate all of it.


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

Also, am I wrong for leaving the state with his son? He won't see him as much if I leave, but all of my family and good friends and support system is in NY. His family claims I can lean on them for support, but it's not the same.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Don't quote me, but if I were you, I would move first and file later. As long as he's not actively blocking you. Once you are safely with your family, THEN take care of the legal work and see where you can set up respectful custody arrangements. From what I've seen, if you do that first, he (and his family's lawyers) will simply block you from leaving. 

Of course, you may end up legally having to move back to his state. But for now, he can't stop you from crossing state borders.

Don't be surprised, though, if his family pulls out their lawyers to 'reclaim' their grandchild.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

parati said:


> It would help if he has to explain his actions to a male counselor, in private and then you see that same counselor separately. That helped us in the same situation but by the time we did that, we had been seperated too long, she had a lawyer and it was too late to really have a genuine discussion. Remember, the only person who really benefits from divorce is the divorce lawyer.


Unless the woman is sitting there at home, still married, watching her husband go out and screw a few dozen other women.

parati, I DO understand where you're coming from. You have regrets. You wish she would have given you another chance. But your whole situation came from YOUR choices and actions. You're starting to sound like you believe it's HER fault you're divorced.

In my experience, she should divorce, tell him she loves him but she can't be married to a serial cheater, and she hopes he will get severe therapy to dig down to figure out what made him do what he did. And that only THEN will she consider dating him again, if he hasn't taken too long and she hasn't already moved on. But she would have to see real proof - from his counselor at least - that he finally gets it and will never do it again.

Staying with him is the psychologically worst thing she can do for HIM to get help. He has no reason to stop. And we only change when the pain of staying in a situation becomes worse than the pain of changing.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Move and then file. You can establish residency in NY and then get jurisdiction there. He can fight if he chooses, but it will cost him, and I'd be surprised if he has that fight in him. His family might, we don't know. Even if he succeeds in convincing a court that VA has jurisdiction over the child (don't bet on that), doesn't mean you could not pursue your remedies from NY. He is not likely to push for custody, he has other things to do. I'm not saying he doesn't love his child, but he's not primary custody material at the moment.

Have you thought about visitation? I don't remember, how old is your DS? Courts deal with out-of-state visitation all the time. Sometimes the parent with the greater financial resources pays for transportation, sometimes both share and you meet somewhere in the middle to pass of the child. Move, and secure an attorney in NY and discuss this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

btw, do you have proof of what he's done? If so, keep a copy of it somewhere away from your home with him. If his parents end up trying to get custody, you will just show the judge what he's been doing with his time. 

Note that I am NOT saying to keep his child from him. I just think your child is better off - at this point in time - with you as primary. Until he gets his act together.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

parati said:


> I was that guy, like your husband, at one time so maybe I can offer some insight from the other side to help? First it was because of my feeling inadequate about marrying early and having 'missed' the single phase. I felt like I was doing things like raising kids while everyone else was having fun. When I acted out, it evolved into a sexual addiction and obsession with more and more. After we separated, I made a GF and cheated on her because I was still in that pattern, causing the relationship to end.
> 
> After years of separation I burned out, and realized what a fool I had been. Now divorced, I've had the same GF for years and have zero desire to cheat on her or even seriously consider any other woman. I'm burned out for life I think. It's probably a phase. I would do whatever possible through calm waiting, counseling, etc.
> 
> This is a psychological problem that he needs to deal with before he can be a proper husband. My ex and I separated causing the eventual death of our marriage due to not being together to talk through things. In retrospect we both wish we had stuck in there and not separated, even if living as room mates, because the pain of divorce and impact on our kids has been much heavier than the problems we had when together. After all, when you have kids together, you've got to work together for 18 years, divorced or not. Being divorced only makes it harder on everyone in the family. I think time would solve his problems, without a divorce. He will burn out and realize that what he's doing, is pitiful and he's a slave to this. Eventually that realization strikes.


So basically your advice boils down to "stay calm, be patient, and wait for him to get it all out of his system"...?

Worst advice ever, IMO, but hey... thanks for playing!

:slap:


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> Move and then file. You can establish residency in NY and then get jurisdiction there. He can fight if he chooses, but it will cost him, and I'd be surprised if he has that fight in him. His family might, we don't know. Even if he succeeds in convincing a court that VA has jurisdiction over the child (don't bet on that), doesn't mean you could not pursue your remedies from NY. He is not likely to push for custody, he has other things to do. I'm not saying he doesn't love his child, but he's not primary custody material at the moment.
> 
> Have you thought about visitation? I don't remember, how old is your DS? Courts deal with out-of-state visitation all the time. Sometimes the parent with the greater financial resources pays for transportation, sometimes both share and you meet somewhere in the middle to pass of the child. Move, and secure an attorney in NY and discuss this.


Our son is 9 months, and still breastfeeding, so I would hope the courts would award me custody if it came to that. I told him he is welcome, at anytime, to come to NY to visit and see his son. He can come on any holiday, his birthday, or any weekend. I would also potentially come down here if I was able to. I am not comfortable having him keep our son for a long period of time yet but I told him in the future we can discuss it.


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

turnera said:


> btw, do you have proof of what he's done? If so, keep a copy of it somewhere away from your home with him. If his parents end up trying to get custody, you will just show the judge what he's been doing with his time.
> 
> Note that I am NOT saying to keep his child from him. I just think your child is better off - at this point in time - with you as primary. Until he gets his act together.


I do have some proof in the forms on emails/texts but not a ton. It might be enough to prove adultery.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

laura1013 said:


> I do have some proof in the forms on emails/texts but not a ton. It might be enough to prove adultery.


Copy and print them off before you go to NY. It might not be enough to prove adultery for the courts, but it is enough to threaten to prove adultery, and sometimes that's all the leverage you need.

A nine-month old breastfeeding baby won't be ripped from you. While nothing is a guarantee I'd be very very surprised if you did not get primary physical custody. Visitation is another matter. If your H agrees that the baby should stay with you-get it is writing quick. And by that I mean get him to agree to visitation in NY until the child is a certain age. That allows you to stay physically close while you continue to nurse, and puts the expense of visitation on him.


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

I'm not sure how to go about getting visitation in writing. I don't want to "rock the boat" too much as he's agreed to pay child support each month and I want to make sure he starts paying right away until I can go to court. I really need the money while I get on my feet. Would it have to be on paper with signatures or would an email/text confirming he's willing to let me live in NY and visit in NY suffice?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

No, Its not about letting you live in NY, its about him agreeing that you get primary physical custody and liberal visitation that will take place in NY. Perhaps you can tell him you need this to qualify for more assistance in NY (which might be true). An email will work to establish an informal custody arrangement. Its not enforceable by a court, but it would be evidence of his consent to leave the state. And the longer you actually live under the informal agreement, the more likely a court will give it consideration once someone files.

Understand that my concern is only that he will somehow, at some future point contest custody. If he's not, go the informal route. You say he's agreed to some support. Have you plugged your numbers into an online child support calculator for either Va or NY to see if the amount he's offering is close to the guidelines.

For Va: check out Virginia Support Calculator - Virginia Guideline Child Support Sole Support DC-637

The only amounts you have to have are the gross income, health insurance and any support orders from prior relationships. It gives you the guideline support amount.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

parati said:


> It would help if he has to explain his actions to a male counselor, in private and then you see that same counselor separately. That helped us in the same situation but by the time we did that, we had been seperated too long, she had a lawyer and it was too late to really have a genuine discussion. Remember, the only person who really benefits from divorce is the divorce lawyer.


Except he's been asked to go to counseling and therapy multiple times, makes promises and then refuses to go, all while cheating on her over and over. 

One person cannot fix a marriage by themselves. One person cannot make another person do any introspection and choose therapy, especially if all they do is just hang around being cheated on while the other person refuses to lift a finger to help himself get his head on straight.

In this case, I think the OP would majorly benefit from a divorce. Her well being is at stake.


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

norajane said:


> Except he's been asked to go to counseling and therapy multiple times, makes promises and then refuses to go, all while cheating on her over and over.
> 
> One person cannot fix a marriage by themselves. One person cannot make another person do any introspection and choose therapy, especially if all they do is just hang around being cheated on while the other person refuses to lift a finger to help himself get his head on straight.
> 
> In this case, I think the OP would majorly benefit from a divorce. Her well being is at stake.


Yes, he has said he would go. To sex addict meetings once a week, and to counseling, and to see a pastor. All stuff he never followed through on. He agreed to go to a marriage retreat weekend for couples on the brink of divorce, which was supposed to be this weekend, but after the last few weeks of him disappearing every Friday night and not coming back until morning, enough is enough. We got into a huge fight...he said he was done and I said I was too. I don't think he's ready for help.

You are right that my well being is at stake. People have remarked how I'm not my "happy, free, fun-loving self" anymore. I'm drained and broken and more angry than I want to be.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's because he committed marriage fraud.


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## parati (Oct 20, 2015)

Has there been any attempt to backchannel and use his friends to put pressure on him? In my experience, a guy's friends are going to regulate him back into the fold to keep him from ruining his life. 

For whatever it's worth I believe what guys like this are doing, they don't intend harm their wives and it's mentally seperate to them. My GF and I used to meet married guys off Craigslist and ****** *******, for casual play. The guys would go to dinner with us and most of them would continuously talk about their wives and kids. About how much they love their wives, and tell us about their kids soccer and cheerleading and all that. But then they go off into the topic of, they are bored and so forth and that's why they've come to meet us. Most of them scared and paranoid of getting caught. My GF found it a turn off and didn't feel good about it, so we quit. But the fact of the matter is, there are a lot of guys running around like this, if not most of them. It doesn't mean they will do it forever, or that they don't love their wives. 

The fact that the guy brought an STD home is a real cause for concern, as well as his arrogance about it. I could see how OP would want to clear the house however it would seem to create more problems of a totally different kind, and the next guy down the road might be the same deal anyway. There must be some way to bring him back in the fold. Friends pressure might be an option. A guy's friends dont want to see him steering himself into divorce, and they have influence to intervene and straighten someone out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lol, who do you think he's been going out on the prowl with?

Like I said, I GET what you're saying. But psychologically speaking, nothing is going to wake him up but the loss of his family. And maybe not even that. He didn't just go out and get drunk and make a mistake. He created a long-term LIFESTYLE for himself and has refused every attempt to stop.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

@parati, please don't confuse consensual open relationships with serial cheating. The OP has a young child and her H is engaging in dangerous behavior, and doesn't care about the impact it is having on his family. You believe his buddies are going to snap him out of it? Really? How many of the same buddies are enabling his behavior? We don't know.

If he wants to turn his life around he can. If he wants to save his marriage, its possible. But first and foremost she and her child must be safe.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Laura ~

Not only print the E-mails as possible evidence but forward them to a trusted friend or family member.

I forwarded a boat load of E-mails between my STBX and OW1, OW2 and OW3 to my Attorney, my best friend and my brother. 

You never know when they will come in handy. I am going through an Agreement stage in my D and trust me, those E-mails will be incredible leverage.

Good Luck to you and your son.

VH


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

parati said:


> Has there been any attempt to backchannel and use his friends to put pressure on him? In my experience, a guy's friends are going to regulate him back into the fold to keep him from ruining his life.
> 
> For whatever it's worth I believe what guys like this are doing, they don't intend harm their wives and it's mentally seperate to them. My GF and I used to meet married guys off Craigslist and ****** *******, for casual play. The guys would go to dinner with us and most of them would continuously talk about their wives and kids. About how much they love their wives, and tell us about their kids soccer and cheerleading and all that. But then they go off into the topic of, they are bored and so forth and that's why they've come to meet us. Most of them scared and paranoid of getting caught. My GF found it a turn off and didn't feel good about it, so we quit. But the fact of the matter is, there are a lot of guys running around like this, if not most of them. It doesn't mean they will do it forever, or that they don't love their wives.
> 
> The fact that the guy brought an STD home is a real cause for concern, as well as his arrogance about it. I could see how OP would want to clear the house however it would seem to create more problems of a totally different kind, and the next guy down the road might be the same deal anyway. There must be some way to bring him back in the fold. Friends pressure might be an option. A guy's friends dont want to see him steering himself into divorce, and they have influence to intervene and straighten someone out.


He doesn't have a lot of guy friends, and the ones that I know about aren't the greatest. I've never met more than one that was his childhood friend. He doesn't open up to and talk to anyone...except other women. I don't think he knows how to talk to other men about his problems.


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

The fact that he acts so unremoreseful hurts more than anything. Last night while talking about things, his only response to how much he endangered my health with an STD and how he could have given me something like HIV was "Well you didn't get it" and acted like it WAS NO BIG DEAL. How does a person not feel like it's a big deal to endanger someone's health like that, most especially their wife?


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## wolffey2003 (Oct 23, 2015)

I had a serial cheating wife. What pisses them off is file for divorce. Then reality hits them.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Laura, you cannot reason with an addict or serial cheater, they will not get it so there is really absolutely no point in flogging a dead horse. They will have no empathy for you or anyone else, so expecting the same response you would get from a normal rationale fairly reasonable human being is just not going to happen. Therefore do not set yourself up for disappointment on this one. You are safe, you are moving on, yes you still have feelings for him, but do not expect any grand apology, etc. even if there was one, there is no guarantee that it is genuine. Deep down you know this from your experiences. Let it go and be happy.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

laura1013 said:


> The fact that he acts so unremoreseful hurts more than anything. Last night while talking about things, his only response to how much he endangered my health with an STD and how he could have given me something like HIV was "Well you didn't get it" and acted like it WAS NO BIG DEAL. How does a person not feel like it's a big deal to endanger someone's health like that, most especially their wife?


This really says it all. He doesn't even care that he could have killed you. Seriously. There are asymptomatic STDs that cause cancer. There are STDs that cause infertility, that are lifelong, that cause pain for the rest of your life. And he took no precautions. He is completely, utterly selfish.


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