# My first post here...Please help me out.



## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

I was instructed my my husband to come here and "learn something". So here I am. I'm going to give you a little bit of back story, but try to keep it short.
My Husband and I met a little over 15 years ago. I thought, and still do, that he was/is my soul mate. Our sex life was the best! I mean, would seriously make a sailor blush. We were in several uncomfortable situations before we were able to get a house and our own space. We have three kids between us from previous marriages. Fast forward a couple of years and I start going through menopause. I was only 37 so I never even seen it coming. Our sex life took a serious dive (down to about 4 times a week. I know right?) I think this is where it starts to go bad. He complains that we're not having sex every night. Is it something he's done? I'm feeling this is pretty ridiculous, and tell him so. We still have a healthy sex life as far as I'm concerned, but I'm now feeling burdened by his neediness. We have always had a great friendship. Up until the last 3 or 4 years anyway. Menopause is only getting worse at this point. Were down to maybe 4 or 5 times a month. I had severe pain and was unable to achieve orgasm. I told my husband we just need to work through it. I don't have to be in the mood when we start, we can get me there. That doesn't work for him. He starts telling me if I don't get back to where I was, he's going to get a girl friend. He now says this on a regular basis, along with other abusive stuff. I end up having a complete hysterectomy. I was having a lot of problems. I did not want to have it done. With the problems we were already having in our sex lives, I didn't want to add to them. We discussed it and he assured me that no matter, we would get through it. So the day I was given the okay to be intimate, we were. It was painful and caused bleeding. He wanted it the next day again. Needless to say, I have become resentful. I have tried every hormone combination under the sun and nothing seemed to be bring my libido back. Still I told him we need to work through it, just because I can't have an orgasm doesn't mean he can't. I finally seem to have a good combination of hormones and my libido has improved greatly. I find myself in the mood 2 or 3 times a week. During the time of my surgeries my husband has moved out of the house 19 times. Being gone 1 to 4 months at a time. We would get in an argument over something silly. Once it was because I didn't answer him in the words he thought I should use. I've never been a jealous person, but knowing his history of cheating and the direct statements he's made to me about getting a girlfriend, his moving out for months at a time over nearly nothing. I don't trust him anymore. He went missing for a whole day last year, I was a wreck, called the police and had them check his place of business, went there myself when the refused to break in. He finally called me later that day and said he spent the day walking on the beach, in the rain, by himself, without his phone on him. He's a business owner, you never turn your phone off. So here we are today, me not trusting him for a second and he, not willing to earn my trust back because we haven't had sex since a few days after Christmas. There has not been a straight week without a huge blowout but he can't understand why there's no sex, or intimacy. We were married 9 years ago, well after the "sex problems" started, at his insistence. Not that I didn't love him, I just didn't feel the need. I'm here to learn, any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Go to the highest mountain you can find. Bring a lounge chair, a pair of binoculars, food and drink, a book and some TP.

Sit down on the chair, enjoy the view, enjoy your lunch.

At the end of the day, did you miss him, did you think much about him?

Naw. He is a pimple on the butt of a sick jackass.

Life is wonderful, He is not. Life can be wonderful with him in the rearview mirror.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

What are you trying to learn?

I answered your poll, as 3 times per week. But that's because I am 63 years old, and I can see that some people might think that low frequency is okay. When I was a young lad of 50, I would have said 7 days a week for sure! That's always predicated on the supposition of a sound relationship where both parties involved are enjoying themselves.

Your husband should not have wanted sex with you after the hysterectomy if it caused bleeding.

My wife just had a hysterectomy. We have 3 weeks and 5 days to go. But one thing for sure, I will not allow her to be in pain, or to bleed. 

Love first, sex second. 

If my wife bleeds on our first try, I am taking her back to the doctor. I am debating waiting longer just because I am worried, anyway, already. We can enjoy ourselves a lot of ways without me shoving my... well, you know.

You have a lot of problems not related to sex.

What are you trying to learn?

Up to the day before my wife had her hysterectomy we had sex every day. But I am 63 years old and I don't have an orgasm every day. My wife has many orgasms every day, and I really enjoy making sure she does. But it is all done for fun. We both enjoy it.

My opinion is if your husband loved you he would worship your body like a temple, and make certain you were never in pain. He would do everything in his power to make you feel better. In my opinion that would include making sure you have lots of great orgasms, because they make you feel good. But you also need to laugh, and be happy.

You have the right to be happy. You need to learn that.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

I answered your poll but your are asking how long is a piece of string. There are far more worrying issues in your post. I will have a think and post tomorrow.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Here's what you can learn here: Your husband is a jerk. A self-centered ass, incapable of empathy or accommodating anyone who cannot meet his "needs". If you're in a position to divorce, do it. Half the business is likely yours.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Some much going on here. Let me start with he sounds like a jerk. 

I have experience with a menopausal wife whose drive dropped and changed (more responsive, like you), and lost the ability to orgasm from PiV. I'll admit it was difficult, really difficult for me (she had a super easy time with the big change), and while I wasn't always perfect it was something we had to deal with together, as loving partners. Sounds like he's a it's his way or the highway kind of guy, think about the highway.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many times a week should you have sex to consider yourself in a healthy marriage?

I did not answer your poll because the answer is not in the poll choices.

Sex is very important to marriage. But there is no set number of times a week that makes the marriage healthy. I think that the average for couples is 2 times a week.

What makes a marriage healthy in regards to sex is that they talk about it and come to an agreement on how often they will have sex. And then they live by that agreement, revisiting it from time to time.

What is it that your husband wants you to learn here on TAM? I think he needs to come to TAM so that he can learn that what he has been doing is wrong. He’s being abusive and quite honestly a horrible husband who seems to not care about you.
My guess is that each time your husband moved out, he was cheating. Usually, when a spouse does what he did, causes a fight and leaves for some time, it’s so that they can hide that they are cheating. I get why you don’t trust him. He’s not trust worthy.

From the way you describe your approach to the topic of sex, you have been more than willing to work things through as long as your health issues are respected. Your husband instead wants you to perform according to some agenda that he has… an artificial agenda that has nothing to do with the reality of your situation.

I can certainly understand why you seldom want to have sex with him now. The way he is treating you would drive anyone away from intimacy.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I also answered your poll, but I don't think that is the information you really need.

I'd say that a good marriage requires a sex life that both partners fine enjoyable. For most people that is a couple to a few times a week. Some people have a lot of "range" - they are OK with once a month, or once a day. Others a very narrow range - twice a week, any more feels like being pressured, and any less feels like being neglected.

That said frequent sex in no way guarantees a happy marriage if there are other issues. You have other issues - or more specifically your husband does. 

You had serious medical issues, and he was just worried about himself. That is completely totally NOT OK.


A good husband would have been most concerned about your health issues and done all he could to take care of you. That at times when you were feeling well enough you could have provided him with types of intimacy that were not restricted by your medical problems.


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## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

Thank you WilliamM. 
I am hoping to learn that love conquers all I guess. On top of the pain during sex I was having terrible mood swings. I would be angry over the littlest things or cry for an hour over a squirrel run over in the road. I was always open an honest with him about how I was feeling, and he always seemed to be supportive with those things. The pain during sex or the inability to reach orgasm, were in my head as far as he was concerned. There have been quite a few times when we would finish having sex and he would utter something like "well guess I'll be waiting a month again", completely spoiling the whole thing. Not to mention a huge exaggeration. That makes me mad and resentful. I tell him that, but he continues to do it. You're right, there is a lot wrong with our marriage right now. If I were to fake great sex with him, 2 or 3 times a week, all would be good in his world. I'm trying to tell him all is not good in my world. He's become verbally abusive and a bully. My kids, all grown, think I'm out of my mind for staying with him. (His son from a previous marriage, included). I have told him he's abusive but that only leads to more yelling and subject changing. He often says "you're always the victim, aren't you"? I truly think I am. That may sound silly, but that is honestly how I feel. I need him to understand that if I felt drawn to him, I would want to be close to him. He is angry so often that I find myself avoiding him and not wanting to be close to him. I just don't know how to get it through to him. I don't trust that he's not going to move out again and he thinks because he's been here a whole month and a half now that I'm over doing it with his "parole". That's not even what it's about, there is no trust there. He said he doesn't have time to "pat me on the butt" to make me feel better about it.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

Annalea said:


> My kids, all grown, think I'm out of my mind for staying with him. (His son from a previous marriage, included).


You have smart kids. Listen to them.


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## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

Thank you to all of you. I appreciate the time you took to respond to me.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I moved out on my wife, and stayed away for a month, back in 1997. I think I had a valid reason. It was all calmly done. She was able to check on me. We were not fighting. There was no question about infidelity by either of us. She still reminds me of it from time to time. I am still on parole, I guess. Oh well.

Your husband should have stopped when you began bleeding. That was inexcusable. How he could suggest having sex with you again the next day is just unimaginable.

Note: My wife reads over my shoulder. She says I will be on parole for life.

You said you believe your husband was/is your soul mate. So I do not advocate divorce unless you desire it. I keep trying to think of a way to get through to your husband and make him care about you.

But so far I am failing to think of a way. Men! We are just evil. Once we show we don't care, I just don't know how to make us care.

From what you describe I don't think your husband wants to save your marriage. I hate to say that.

You need to know that you deserve to be happy. You deserve to be healthy, and not in pain when you have sex. A loving husband would never let you be in pain when you have sex.

Yes, I did hurt my wife while having sex with her one time. The day I took her virginity. But even that was not easy for me to do. She cried! But she wanted it. After all, I like sex, and she had to prove herself as a sexy girl before I would marry her. She passed with flying colors. We had a ton of problems since then, but we have stumbled along. 

Is your husband interested in our answers to you? Or does he just expect you to learn something?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Go to the highest mountain you can find. Bring a lounge chair, a pair of binoculars, food and drink, a book and some TP.
> 
> Sit down on the chair, enjoy the view, enjoy your lunch.
> 
> ...




Sooo this. So very much this!

I really can't add more to the fantastic line: "He's a pimple on the butt of a sick Jackass."

I'm sorry you went through menopause so early. That must have been horrible! I had a very high sex drive prior to menopause and then it tanked, couldn't orgasm anymore either. Got on HRT and orgasms are back, sex drive is on the low side of normal now. But sister, if my husband showed the kind of complete callous disregard for my health and comfort I would have frozen him out of my bed too, especially if I was only having sex for him!!!! And you can't even get to orgasm anymore and your H still throws hissy fits. **** him!

You are so much better off without this man baby in your life!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Annalea said:


> *I am hoping to learn that love conquers all*
> 
> ....On top of the pain during sex I was having terrible mood swings. I would be angry over the littlest things or cry for an hour over a squirrel run over in the road. I was always open an honest with him about how I was feeling, and he always seemed to be supportive with those things. *The pain during sex or the inability to reach orgasm, were in my head as far as he was concerned.*
> 
> ...


My suggestion is that you learn that your marriage is in crisis. 

Next there is no right or wrong amount of sex a week in a marriage. If you read David Schnarch the Passionate Marriage or the Crucible, he says that every aspect of marriage is about compromise and everything can be viewed as a compromise of High Demand (HD) and LD. One partner may want or even "Need" to have chocolate ice cream every night for dinner and the other may hate chocolate ice cream, but be able to handle vanilla ice cream once a month. One partner may NEED to watch football on TV every Saturday and Sunday with an occasional Monday and Thursday night as well. The other partner may hate TV football. One partner may want sex 3 times a day and the other may want it 3 times a month. Those marriages have an HD/LD problem, but it does not make one right and the other partner broken or in need of being fixed. 

Schnarch says that Marriage is the hardest thing that two people can do, if done correctly. That is because two individuals commit to a long term relationship as a single nuclear family. Two people grow emotionally and mature at different rates over the course of a marriage. They change at different rates and are constantly pulling or pushing their partner to grow/mature to the state. That forces people to change or retard the rate at which they want to change.

Most marriages involve lots of change. When children are introduced, a marriage needs to figure out parenting. Then as the children grow and mature the parents must change the way they treat the child and support each other. Then the children become adults and leave and again the married spouses need to change the way they treat each other.

You have gotten lots of good advice. You H sounds like he needs to work on himself. 

Alternately, I have learned in saving my marriage that it takes two to make or destroy a marriage. I would wager that you own part of your current problems.

When I was in a sex starved marriage, even though my wife refused to have sex with me (and I felt I was the victim) I learned that I had hurt her emotionally without knowing it and she was angry and trying to punish me. I would suspect that even though you feel you are the victim, there were times when you could have handled things better and caused your H to get angry at you. I know that I and my wife did a kind of dance where we each pushed each other emotionally away without realizing what we were doing.

You might want to consider what it is that you really want in the future. What do you want in 10 years, 20 years? You might even want to ask your H what he wants in 10 years and 20 years? If you both want the other in your life and want to be married to each other then you will both need to stop withdrawing from each other and start the process of building trust and respect for each other. Marriage counseling, if done right, can help create the kind of change.

I didn't answer your poll as there is not right amount of sex a week. In my marriage sex 2 times a week among 68 year olds is what we have negotiated and can each live with. I would like more and my wife would like less, but we both know that any change would hurt our spouse too much. If I were to be married to another woman she might need sex more than me, so while in my marriage I may be the HD partner, in another marriage, I might be the LD partner even though my ideal minimum frequency of sex is 3 times a week. I can live with more or less, but that is where the compromise comes in.

Good luck to you. I hope you have found some of what you were looking to learn.


P.S. What ever you do, figure out how you can love again. Even if you leave your H, you need to work through things so that you can love someone else. You might want to read MW Davis book Divorce busting and Chapman's book the 5 Languages of Love.


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## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

I thought he was interested, he told me to come here after all. I told him to go look at the post and some of the responses. He's mad and told me I'm a liar. He has now accused me of holding a pity party for myself. He denies the fact that he told me on a regular basis that he was going to get a girlfriend. It is the truth. He won't say what else he considers a lie. Just keeps sending me texts that say "liar". I don't think I'm going to fix this. He says he doesn't blame people for their posts because I'm lying. This has become quite exhausting to be honest. He is out of town working right now and is now treating my security, once again. He no longer wishes to work through things or try to fix anything. This happens anytime someone agrees with me. I'm embarrassed for even posting here and wasting every ones time. I was honestly surprised by his reaction. I thought if he seen some of the posts he might look at himself, I am now convinced he cannot see who he is. I am envious of your marriage WilliamM. That's how I think all marriages should be, right down to the trust you have for each other letting your wife read over your shoulder. That would never happen in my house. Thank you again for your time.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Yeah, sadly, as expected.

You have not wasted our time.

I thank you. Our marriage has been wild. We have had problems, but we love each other. That's the key. We survive because we love each other. 

Please, please keep posting.

I think you need help. Perhaps this is the place to get that help for now.

Don't leave us.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Moved out 19 times for 1-4 months at a time during your surgeries? Even at an average of 2 months each time,that would be over 3 years of your marriage. How recent were your surgeries? Good husbands don't hurt there wives by cowing,belittling and bullying them. He's his own soulmate.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Is your husband a poster here on TAM?

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Annalea said:


> I was instructed my my husband to come here and "learn something".


It's all summed up, pretty much in that first sentence. He's telling you it's all your fault and to go fix it. And now he's mad because he doesn't like what you've 'learned'?! 

Forum swearing rules rules prevent me from saying exactly what I think of that. 

Suffice to say that it's NOT your fault. However, until he realises (doubtful) his responsibility, your relationship isn't going to get better. 

He clearly has zero respect for you, and has chipped away at your self respect and confidence, leaving you feeling alone and abandoned by the person who should have stood by you.

IMO, it's way beyond time for you to leave HIM. Whether that is temporarily, or permanently should depend on HIS ability to 'learn something'. Get out of there and re-find yourself.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Well, the problem is the husband now has read this thread, knows his wife's login name, and can watch this thread whenever he wants.

I suspect given her husbands attitude we may not hear from the OP again.

Sad. Very sad.

If he loved her, he would of course encourage her to keep in touch with us and allow her to glean what help she can from us, but I doubt that will happen.


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## Mr. Bigglesworth (Apr 22, 2017)

Annalea said:


> I was instructed my my husband to come here and "learn something". So here I am. I'm going to give you a little bit of back story, but try to keep it short.
> My Husband and I met a little over 15 years ago. I thought, and still do, that he was/is my soul mate. Our sex life was the best! I mean, would seriously make a sailor blush. We were in several uncomfortable situations before we were able to get a house and our own space. We have three kids between us from previous marriages. Fast forward a couple of years and I start going through menopause. I was only 37 so I never even seen it coming. Our sex life took a serious dive (down to about 4 times a week. I know right?) I think this is where it starts to go bad. He complains that we're not having sex every night. Is it something he's done? I'm feeling this is pretty ridiculous, and tell him so. We still have a healthy sex life as far as I'm concerned, but I'm now feeling burdened by his neediness. We have always had a great friendship. Up until the last 3 or 4 years anyway. Menopause is only getting worse at this point. Were down to maybe 4 or 5 times a month. I had severe pain and was unable to achieve orgasm. I told my husband we just need to work through it. I don't have to be in the mood when we start, we can get me there. That doesn't work for him. He starts telling me if I don't get back to where I was, he's going to get a girl friend. He now says this on a regular basis, along with other abusive stuff. I end up having a complete hysterectomy. I was having a lot of problems. I did not want to have it done. With the problems we were already having in our sex lives, I didn't want to add to them. We discussed it and he assured me that no matter, we would get through it. So the day I was given the okay to be intimate, we were. It was painful and caused bleeding. He wanted it the next day again. Needless to say, I have become resentful. I have tried every hormone combination under the sun and nothing seemed to be bring my libido back. Still I told him we need to work through it, just because I can't have an orgasm doesn't mean he can't. I finally seem to have a good combination of hormones and my libido has improved greatly. I find myself in the mood 2 or 3 times a week. During the time of my surgeries my husband has moved out of the house 19 times. Being gone 1 to 4 months at a time. We would get in an argument over something silly. Once it was because I didn't answer him in the words he thought I should use. I've never been a jealous person, but knowing his history of cheating and the direct statements he's made to me about getting a girlfriend, his moving out for months at a time over nearly nothing. I don't trust him anymore. He went missing for a whole day last year, I was a wreck, called the police and had them check his place of business, went there myself when the refused to break in. He finally called me later that day and said he spent the day walking on the beach, in the rain, by himself, without his phone on him. He's a business owner, you never turn your phone off. So here we are today, me not trusting him for a second and he, not willing to earn my trust back because we haven't had sex since a few days after Christmas. There has not been a straight week without a huge blowout but he can't understand why there's no sex, or intimacy. We were married 9 years ago, well after the "sex problems" started, at his insistence. Not that I didn't love him, I just didn't feel the need. I'm here to learn, any advice would be greatly appreciated.


So many exaggerations...and so many omissions. I actually suggested this site because I have been reading through it for the last three years. I have learned a lot from everyone here. And I have applied what i could. I am not the demon portrayed. I'm not cheating on my wife. She's the most beautiful creature I've ever seen. And the only woman I'm attracted to. When God made her, he had me in mind, I'm convinced of that. I always put her before me, I even to this day pour her coffee first. Wait...pour her coffee? I am tempted to defend myself, however, I know that will just descend into another circular argument. I have faith in all of you at TAM to eventually provide sage advice. I think SunC and Anon Pink have made their positions clear, lol. The problems we're having are so common to everyone else that I've seen here. And I've read a lot of TAM. I was hoping my wife would see some of it and possibly be able to identify with it. Obviously, it took an unexpected turn. But I assure you, I am not that person. Seeing the above written out like that strikes me as vulgar. I would hate me too if it went down like that.


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## Mr. Bigglesworth (Apr 22, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> Well, the problem is the husband now has read this thread, knows his wife's login name, and can watch this thread whenever he wants.
> 
> I suspect given her husbands attitude we may not hear from the OP again.
> 
> ...


Actually, I encourage her to participate. It can only help.


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## Mr. Bigglesworth (Apr 22, 2017)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Is your husband a poster here on TAM?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


I am now. Iv'e learned a lot from everyone here. and you all have my gratitude.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Have you sought counseling?

Have you agreed to be recorded during your interactions with your wife?

If you think you don't say the things she hears, then recording your interactions for a week or two or a month or two would be good for you both. Then instead of arguing about what you say to each other you can reference the recording. It's much better to have evidence.

My wife and I where recorded for a while. In my case I claimed my wife said things she had no recall of having said. It wasn't a big deal, but it was part of a pattern she needed to deal with in a long running issue for her. Recording interaction can be very useful.

Painful sex cannot be defended, though. This is a forum about sex, so discussing sex is normal here. Are you denying she had bleeding during sex after her hysterectomy? Did you expect to have sex again after that before having her checked by a doctor? Did she ever complain of painful sex, and not subsequently be checked by a doctor?

Painful sex needs to be checked. Certainly pain during sex means stop, and don't do it again until you find out what is going on, and make sure it doesn't happen again.

I can't even begin to understand moving out and back in repeatedly. I did it one time, and I think I had a good reason. More than once I can't even imagine. More than that... just no. What marriage counselor told you to do that?


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## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

I am here WilliamM, and I am listening intently. I will continue to post as I have been told he is once again not coming home and is done with this relationship. One of the posts referred to a book I will be picking up. My husband told me not to bother. I don't care if he's interested in fixing himself, I however would like to learn as much as I can on this topic. He once told me I had border line personality disorder. I didn't agree with him, but if I expected him to look at himself, I had to be willing to look at myself. I picked up 4 books on the topic and read them all. There were some things I could relate to, but no where close to having even a touch of it. We went to counseling for two whole sessions and the counselor assigned us a book to read (seven languages of love), a very short book. I ordered two copies but he never read his. The counselor wouldn't see us a third time. He seemed to try harder for a couple of weeks, but that fizzled out quickly. I think I need to come to the conclusion that he just doesn't care enough about me. I have decided to love me, and I can't love someone who treats me the way he does. If someone was treating my daughter the way he treats me, I don't even know what I would do. If a feisty Leo, and I'n no way have I laid down and taken this lightly. I'm 50 years old, I don't have a lot of time to live in an unhappy marriage. Time is running out.


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## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

The counselor told him he causes the most damage by moving out. He moved out at least 6 times after that. He is not a poster, so far. He has been reading here for sometime though. 
One of my children recorded one of our fights where he was screaming, not letting me talk, name calling and intimidating me, but he refuses to watch it, or maybe he did. I sent to him. When I asked him don't you think there is a problem if the kids feel the need to record you? His response was "I clearly have no friends here".
I'm four years past my hysterectomy now. I was put on "no sex" for an additional 2 weeks which he respected.


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## Mr. Bigglesworth (Apr 22, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> Have you sought counseling?
> 
> Have you agreed to be recorded during your interactions with your wife?
> 
> ...


*We went to MC once and he told me that was a bad thing to do. I get it. But when your desperate to end the circular fighting, it seems rational. I'm leaving a lot out here. Had I posted first, you guys would be telling me to download "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and to enact the "180". WHich, kind of changes my perspective on it all. We only know what the poster tells us and advise accordingly. *


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## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Is your husband a poster here on TAM?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


He seems to be now. He's using the name Mr. Bigglesworth.


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## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

Mr. Bigglesworth said:


> So many exaggerations...and so many omissions. I actually suggested this site because I have been reading through it for the last three years. I have learned a lot from everyone here. And I have applied what i could. I am not the demon portrayed. I'm not cheating on my wife. She's the most beautiful creature I've ever seen. And the only woman I'm attracted to. When God made her, he had me in mind, I'm convinced of that. I always put her before me, I even to this day pour her coffee first. Wait...pour her coffee? I am tempted to defend myself, however, I know that will just descend into another circular argument. I have faith in all of you at TAM to eventually provide sage advice. I think SunC and Anon Pink have made their positions clear, lol. The problems we're having are so common to everyone else that I've seen here. And I've read a lot of TAM. I was hoping my wife would see some of it and possibly be able to identify with it. Obviously, it took an unexpected turn. But I assure you, I am not that person. Seeing the above written out like that strikes me as vulgar. I would hate me too if it went down like that.


I was trying to keep the post short and address the problems. You pouring my coffee first? You talked me in to the surgery, that I DID NOT WANT! Only because you hoped it would improve your sex life. It didn't, it only made it worse, just like I said it would. I am the one being crucified over it. Do looking at the Craig's list postings help you as well? Missed connections? Hiding your cell phone or grabbing it out of my hand while I was looking at photo's? None of this used to be a problem until you disappeared on the beach, alone, in the rain, without your cell phone. It is vulgar and 100% truthful. Why are you even bothering posting here with your oh so eloquent speech? Our texts don't display the same way.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think you are asking the wrong questions in your poll.

Your questions should be along the lines of

1. Is it reasonable if a H insists on sex when a woman is healing?
2. What type of H walks out 19 times on a marriage simply because he is not getting his way?
3. What kind of H acts like a brute and insists on sex when his wife is obviously in pain?
4. What kind of H insists on his way or the high way?
5. What kind of H threatens his W to take on a girlfriend when she is doing all in her power to get the right medication, etc to help meet his needs?

My answer to all of the above?

A selfish bastard who should be kicked to the curb as fast as his legs can carry him. It is time to get rid of this parasite.

I wrote this before I saw Mr Bigglesworth's post. I stand by what I said. Did you disappear overnight, did you walk out 19 times? You sound narcissistic and unrepentant. To threaten to take a girlfriend is a ultimate dagger, if she dumps your ass you deserve it and a hundredfold.


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## Mr. Bigglesworth (Apr 22, 2017)

Annalea said:


> I was trying to keep the post short and address the problems. You pouring my coffee first? You talked me in to the surgery, that I DID NOT WANT! Only because you hoped it would improve your sex life. It didn't, it only made it worse, just like I said it would. I am the one being crucified over it. Do looking at the Craig's list postings help you as well? Missed connections? Hiding your cell phone or grabbing it out of my hand while I was looking at photo's? None of this used to be a problem until you disappeared on the beach, alone, in the rain, without your cell phone. It is vulgar and 100% truthful. Why are you even bothering posting here with your oh so eloquent speech? Our texts don't display the same way.


Your surgery had nothing to do with sex. You had endometriosis and severe fibroids. You couldn't even walk. Honestly, you can't get good advice if you're not going to be straight with these people. All you'll get is soothing words that won't really help the situation. And our issues aren't even about sex. I think you only posted in the sex forums because you know the impact it will have on me. I've told you so many times I could do without the sex if I could just find some affection. I'm not getting into a circular argument here. If it's not constructive, I'm not interested in vacillating back and forth.


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## Mr. Bigglesworth (Apr 22, 2017)

aine said:


> I think you are asking the wrong questions in your poll.
> 
> Your questions should be along the lines of
> 
> ...


Yes, if all that were true, I would agree with you. There's a lot you don't know. I would recommend a bit of skepticism.


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## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

Mr. Bigglesworth said:


> Yes, if all that were true, I would agree with you. There's a lot you don't know. I would recommend a bit of skepticism.


It's all true and you know it is. I have often told you you were a narcissist, and you dismiss me as being dramatic. Lets please drag it all out here. I am not claiming to be an angel. Maybe these people can help us. I have nothing to hide here. Our neighbors aren't going to see this. Safe place for brutal honesty.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

She has had medical issues. You moved out. Over and over.

Just those facts alone paint a dark picture no matter who posted first.

You two claim wildly different stories. I will say I believe the woman much more than the man in these stories. Even though my wife is a chronic compulsive liar. She is a pretty little liar. 

But my wife was put under tremendous stress as a young teen, and badly traumatized. She went to counselors and psychiatrists to find out what is going on inside her pretty little head. It took 18 years to find out. We had sex every day, but whenever she tried to think about sex on her own she had panic attacks. She could do it a little while I held her, but even then we couldn't keep the horrors away long. Try living with that for 18 years.

When she finally recovered her memories, she realized she is mostly lesbian. They scared her straight when she was 14, in an exorcism in her church. They crushed her. They instilled in her a fear of sex so strong she suffered panic attacks whenever she began to think about sex, because she was thinking about sex with girls. That was not the sort of revelation I was expecting. I rolled with it. I stood by her. She had to explore that side of her. After 5 years I decided she is a lot more lesbian than heterosexual. But after a month without her I was convinced she is still a lot better heterosexual woman than any other woman I ever knew. I moved back in. I accept her. I stand by her.

Nobody has a perfect sex life. I love my wife. She loves me. Yeah, she wishes she could have a wife, too. But she has great orgasms. And we have sex every day. Lots of guys would get all bent about the fact their wife doesn't get all hot over them, but I never let it bother me.

Try living with that for 25 years.

Record yourselves for a week, if you ever get back together. I bet you will be shocked at what you find yourself saying.

If you actually loved her the problems you two had would have been easy to endure. You would have held her and cried, together, while you held each other.

For a while, 4 years ago, my wife and I just held each other and cried. Some things blow marriages apart. We are wildly different. How did we ever get together?

Four years ago our daughter died. Don't tell me you have problems.


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## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

Mr. Bigglesworth said:


> Your surgery had nothing to do with sex. You had endometriosis and severe fibroids. You couldn't even walk. Honestly, you can't get good advice if you're not going to be straight with these people. All you'll get is soothing words that won't really help the situation. And our issues aren't even about sex. I think you only posted in the sex forums because you know the impact it will have on me. I've told you so many times I could do without the sex if I could just find some affection. I'm not getting into a circular argument here. If it's not constructive, I'm not interested in vacillating back and forth.


I was down a few days every few months. Yes it was horrible the the effects of the hysterectomy, which I researched and didn't want to have, are much worse. It IS about sex, it's always about sex. You say in one breath that you love me and don't care about sex and the next day your telling me not only are you tired of doing without but you can't live like this. Then lets add beer and tequila to the mix and then your taking the bank cards out of my wallet and telling me I'll be homeless and you will laugh. All these things I have forgiven you many, many, many times. You keep doing them. You keep leaving. Then when youre back for a week, I just need to let it go. Can't I forgive? ENOUGH! Either figure out what your problem is or we need to move on!


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## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

Thank you all, I have an early day tomorrow and it's off to bed for now.


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## Mr. Bigglesworth (Apr 22, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> She has had medical issues. You moved out. Over and over.
> 
> Just those facts alone paint a dark picture no matter who posted first.
> 
> ...


again...I don't care about the sex. It's not my first priority. And I've lost a child myself, so I CAN identify...relevance?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

But you see, I believe your wife. The stories of a husband taking credit cards and financial blackmail are so common for a guy to foist on a woman.

As for the hysterectomy, I don't recall anyone saying the cause of it was sex. It sounds as if it was caused as per expectations. It is the aftermath that was being discussed.

I said I don't hear anything which indicates you show compassion for your wife. From either her postings or yours. 

A hysterectomy is major surgery. It sounds like your wife did not weather it well. She needs Tender Loving Care afterwards. 

You constantly fought with her over something, and moved out over something. You should have been holding her and crying with her. That's the relevance.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Annalea said:


> I thought he was interested, he told me to come here after all. I told him to go look at the post and some of the responses. He's mad and told me I'm a liar. He has now accused me of holding a pity party for myself. He denies the fact that he told me on a regular basis that he was going to get a girlfriend. It is the truth. He won't say what else he considers a lie. Just keeps sending me texts that say "liar". I don't think I'm going to fix this. He says he doesn't blame people for their posts because I'm lying. This has become quite exhausting to be honest. He is out of town working right now and is now treating my security, once again. He no longer wishes to work through things or try to fix anything. This happens anytime someone agrees with me. I'm embarrassed for even posting here and wasting every ones time. I was honestly surprised by his reaction. I thought if he seen some of the posts he might look at himself, I am now convinced he cannot see who he is. I am envious of your marriage WilliamM. That's how I think all marriages should be, right down to the trust you have for each other letting your wife read over your shoulder. That would never happen in my house. Thank you again for your time.


Im so sorry Annalea but it sounds like your H is a narcissist, the classic signs are there, telling you, you re lying, he never said this and that, etc. He is afraid to face the truth. Document everything.

Mr Bigglesworth and Annalea, usually it works like this

Annalea has one version of the truth
Mr Bigglesworth has one version of the truth
and the actual truth is somewhere in between.

I do not think it is wise to 'fight' with each other online here, it is not helping anyone, nor can the posters help in this fashion.

Why did you stop MC? You both need help. It might be good to have a break from one another to calm down and look at things objectively.

What about IC first for each of you, no discussion on the marriage, a moratorium on sex. You are both angry and frustrated now but there is enough love there to keep your marriage alive otherwise one of you would have left a long time ago.
There is no point in digging up dirt, this will only go in circles.

Each of you can only change yourselves, it looks like Annalea has been doing this more so that you Mr Bigglesworth, you want things your way but don't appear to be putting in the effort you need to. For a woman, she needs to feel loved and cherished in order to be into the sex part. Everything you allegedly do, shouting, threatening sex with other women, threatening withdrawal of financial support, walking out and staying away all tell your wife that you don't give a ****, until and unless you get what you want. Marriage is not about only your wants and needs it is about your wife, you expect her to honor your needs but you disrespect hers? Try treating your family, friends or colleagues like that and see how far it would get you.

You both need to take a long hard look at yourselves and fix that first. then see if the marriage is salvageable. It may or may not be.


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## Mr. Bigglesworth (Apr 22, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> But you see, I believe your wife. The stories of a husband taking credit cards and financial blackmail are so common for a guy to foist on a woman.
> 
> As for the hysterectomy, I don't recall anyone saying the cause of it was sex. It sounds as if it was caused as per expectations. It is the aftermath that was being discussed.
> 
> ...


I don't care if you believe her. The more information she gathers from this site, the better. Whatever the outcome may be.
Financial blackmail is cowardice...I did say that in a rage. I won't even attempt to justify it. It's cowardice. And I at least have the courage to admit that and most importantly, change it. I will not spend the rest of my life begging for forgiveness. She knows full well that if we split, I will still be providing for her. I would never instill that kind of fear in her. I want her to be free. Honestly free. We tend to put each other in a box and restrict each other. I would have better for her even if it means I'm not in the picture. You have no Idea of the depth of my love for this woman. She is misleading you. And if you choose to side with her, I'm not offended at all. I've read enough of your posts to have a good grip on your intentions and motivations.
As for compassion for her...that's insulting. She's been the center of my universe until lately. And yes, now I'm furious. I've been taken for granted and taken advantage of. I mention sex after 5 months of nothing and I get the "That's all you think about is sex" speech. Pffft! But no mention of the gardens I've built for her...The many planters I've made for her...the glass work she loved. I would storm the gates of hell for her...she knows this. She's just pissed and being vindictive. I challenge you to find anything constructive in what she says. Try to find some objectivity...just try.
Her hysterectomy was necessary. She was so sick and pale. she bled for 31 days straight. She kept telling me she was ok. She came in from the gardens one day after being there for maybe 30 minutes, pale and unable to stand. AT which time, I insist she be seen by a medic and eventually lead to the surgery. WHICH I WAS THERE FOR. I was there holding her hand when they put her under and there guarding her while she recovered. With photos to prove it. And plenty of after care.
I constantly am at war with her because that is her nature. I strongly suspect BPD. I really do. No intention to insult. Just want to find a solution. Or used to anyway. 
I moved out (yes I know that's a bad thing) to remove myself from a really bad situation. And I did it many times. Not 19 times...but whatever. And actually, she had me removed from the house by the police. Yep, you don't have to do anything...A woman can have you removed from your house with a phone call. So, why stay in a toxic situation where you know things will only escalate to the point of mindless screaming at each other. I hate that. 

Regarding holding her and crying with her? She's much to tough for that, just ask her...


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I don't believe any woman is too tough to be held. I've heard that hogwash before. It's just a lame excuse by a guy who doesn't want to bother learning how to reach a woman's heart.

Maybe your marriage is so broken you can't get there, though. 

As for the police escorting you out of the house, sure, why not. I've seen that before. My brother in law. I watched it happen. He deserved it. The responding officer saw he was a danger to his wife. The responding officer probably heard you two as he was approaching the door. That will earn you an escort out for sure. There is never a justification for raising your voice to your wife. If she screams, let her scream. If you are screaming too, you are presumed as guilty as she, and you will be escorted out.

Economic blackmail is a go to threat by vicious husbands. And as soon as you get mad, again, are you going to do it, again?

Yes, it is true I have very little sympathy for men. Every time I talk with guys they reinforce my opinion, too.


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## Mr. Bigglesworth (Apr 22, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> I don't believe any woman is too tough to be held. I've heard that hogwash before. It's just a lame excuse by a guy who doesn't want to bother learning how to reach a woman's heart.
> 
> Maybe your marriage is so broken you can't get there, though.
> 
> ...


That's obvious. And irritating. You haven't a clue as to the research I've done. Don't forget I recommended this site to her knowing the nature of it. You should be a bit more objective. I expected better from you. So many assumptions.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Everyone:
People posting here can only reply to what they see from the original posters. Its natural for people to post from their own perspective - so even someone who is trying to be completely honest may end up giving a biased view. Of course some people intentionally give biased viewpoints.

If this thread gets too uncivil, I expect the mods will shut it down.

Is there any disagreement that the OP has a medical issue that makes sex difficult / uncomfortable for her?

Did the OPs husband do everything he could to take care of her as she recovered?

What does the husband think should happen until she completely recovers from her surgery or is she already recovered?



OP's husband: I know that at a glance this may sound like many of the HD/LD threads here, but it seems that the medical issue changes things a lot. I will often encourage people who are not particularly in the mood for sex to still try to be intimate with their partners, but that is very different from someone with a medical condition that makes sex difficult / dangerous / painful.

My wife has had minor surgery twice. Sex was the last thing in the world on my mind - all I cared about was that she got better. 

If the surgery was not an issue (it was very long ago, or not serious or something), of course that changes things.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

@Mr. Bigglesworth 

Pouring coffee? Paying medical bills? Doing some home improvement project? And the cryptic claim of "a lot more that you don't know about" combined with the humble tone that being here at TAM, even though she isn't telling the whole truth, will be good for her?

If your wife wasn't already here and posting I'd swear you were my husband. Your claims to being a great husband are weak, at best. 

You claim to love her and would do all sort of fantastic feats for her, yet so far you've protected your credit rating by paying her medical bills, poured and extra cup of coffee and walked a few steps to deliver it, and protected your home investment by building planters boxes. Wow, those sure are some hellish fires you've walked through. But hey, at least you can say the words love and you in the same sentence so good on you! Your blue ribbon husband award is in the mail.
@Annalea
I hope your HRT improves and you are once again able to orgasm because without that, any time you have sex it will be an act of giving love, not sharing love and this guy isn't about sharing he is about taking and needing. Now you've have needs lately and he can't adjust to you having needs. This doesn't get better, trust me on this.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

peacem said:


> I answered your poll but your are asking how long is a piece of string. There are far more worrying issues in your post. I will have a think and post tomorrow.


I think your _husband_ needs to come to TAM to learn a few things.... 

I am wondering if he is personality disordered. He seems controlling, lacks empathy and rather child-like. Threatening to get a girl friend in order to get his own way is really a huge red flag. You may be co-dependent, scared of losing him, you put his needs above your own and you believe it is your responsibility to keep him happy. I also think he gaslights you. :frown2:

An important part of a healthy marriage is taking equal responsibility for our own happiness (i.e we need to take care of our own issues first before we can support our spouse). We cannot make our partners happy if they are fundamentally unhappy in themselves. If it is not one thing it will be another.


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## touatitoconsulty (Apr 3, 2017)

I will try to be as positiv as possible but realistic as a man with 3long experiences. A man is not like a woman ... This simple statment is also said by God before us but we did not understand that. Trying to direct we are not same in our body 1, in our mind 2in our interior sexual needs 3.in change we are same in our commun creation only with a soul from God. ... To be direct :if a woman get a certain age or stage.. She shoud let her husband get a second wife under her knowledge and maybe even chosen by her... And her husband will apreciate that for the rest of his and her entire life. BUT you should overcome your ego as a woman, the social boudery and the legal boundery. What is nice in that story is that poligamy was a fact with all prophets before us excepting jesus. Is this the truth? In the bible.... If so why God has allowed all the prophets having more than a wife from abraham to mohammed? 

Trimis de pe al meu Vodafone Smart 4 max folosind Tapatalk


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## touatitoconsulty (Apr 3, 2017)

I will tell you a secret.... All the " illuminati" clerics with the high state advising presidence department have chosen to forbidden the poligamy.. Because if economic issues.... People happy at home will spend less money outside home.... So let them get unsatisfiyed home... To attract their money on entertetainments... *****s... Casino... Matrimonial marriges and even multiple virtual second wives cheating websites on card paiment on line. Think about it 

Trimis de pe al meu Vodafone Smart 4 max folosind Tapatalk


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

The husband is gaslighting his wife into believing there is something wrong with her after he creatied a relationship based on insecurity and repeated abandonment. He has sent her to TAM so that we can do his dirty work for him; probably was expecting us to finger wag and belittle her for not wanting sex with him.

He greatly underestimated us....


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Annalea said:


> I'm here to learn, any advice would be greatly appreciated.


I've only read your opening post so far.

Sorry honey, I'd have my case packed and heading out the door.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

touatitoconsulty said:


> I will try to be as positiv as possible but realistic as a man with 3long experiences. A man is not like a woman ... This simple statment is also said by God before us but we did not understand that. Trying to direct we are not same in our body 1, in our mind 2in our interior sexual needs 3.in change we are same in our commun creation only with a soul from God. ... To be direct :if a woman get a certain age or stage.. She shoud let her husband get a second wife under her knowledge and maybe even chosen by her... And her husband will apreciate that for the rest of his and her entire life. BUT you should overcome your ego as a woman, the social boudery and the legal boundery. What is nice in that story is that poligamy was a fact with all prophets before us excepting jesus. Is this the truth? In the bible.... If so why God has allowed all the prophets having more than a wife from abraham to mohammed?
> 
> Trimis de pe al meu Vodafone Smart 4 max folosind Tapatalk


Stop preaching your misogynist propaganda here. Get four wives why not and then just text them "talaq talaq talaq' when you want some other sweet young thing and discard one of the four. You are disgusting. So is it ok if your wife takes a more virile man when you cannot get it up due to ED. I hope what is good for the gander is good for the goose, right?


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## Mr. Bigglesworth (Apr 22, 2017)

touatitoconsulty said:


> I will try to be as positiv as possible but realistic as a man with 3long experiences. A man is not like a woman ... This simple statment is also said by God before us but we did not understand that. Trying to direct we are not same in our body 1, in our mind 2in our interior sexual needs 3.in change we are same in our commun creation only with a soul from God. ... To be direct :if a woman get a certain age or stage.. She shoud let her husband get a second wife under her knowledge and maybe even chosen by her... And her husband will apreciate that for the rest of his and her entire life. BUT you should overcome your ego as a woman, the social boudery and the legal boundery. What is nice in that story is that poligamy was a fact with all prophets before us excepting jesus. Is this the truth? In the bible.... If so why God has allowed all the prophets having more than a wife from abraham to mohammed?
> 
> Trimis de pe al meu Vodafone Smart 4 max folosind Tapatalk


This is quite possibly the dumbest post I have ever witnessed on this site in three years. /ignored
I don't want another woman.


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## Mr. Bigglesworth (Apr 22, 2017)

peacem said:


> The husband is gaslighting his wife into believing there is something wrong with her after he creatied a relationship based on insecurity and repeated abandonment. He has sent her to TAM so that we can do his dirty work for him; probably was expecting us to finger wag and belittle her for not wanting sex with him.
> 
> He greatly underestimated us....


You're so wrong on this. I'll admit I'm surprised at the obvious bias and man-bashing going on. I don't think that's helpful.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Now I've read the whole thread... if my series of events, feelings and thoughts were that of the OP, even if my husband had a completely different perspective, he'd help me to pack my bags. That is to say, if I viewed his actions the way they're described here, he wouldn't want me to be with someone like that... even if that someone was him.


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## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> I don't believe any woman is too tough to be held. I've heard that hogwash before. It's just a lame excuse by a guy who doesn't want to bother learning how to reach a woman's heart.
> 
> Maybe your marriage is so broken you can't get there, though.
> 
> ...


He was removed from our home because he trapped me in our bedroom and was pushing and yelling at me. I was screaming at him to leave me alone and let me out. My 18 year old daughter forced her way in to my room to get to me. When she did she hit him with the door because he was standing in front of it to keep me in. He then grabbed her by the head and pushed her into the wall. Yeah, those cops will just FIND a reason to remove you.


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## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Everyone:
> People posting here can only reply to what they see from the original posters. Its natural for people to post from their own perspective - so even someone who is trying to be completely honest may end up giving a biased view. Of course some people intentionally give biased viewpoints.
> 
> If this thread gets too uncivil, I expect the mods will shut it down.
> ...


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## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

peacem said:


> The husband is gaslighting his wife into believing there is something wrong with her after he creatied a relationship based on insecurity and repeated abandonment. He has sent her to TAM so that we can do his dirty work for him; probably was expecting us to finger wag and belittle her for not wanting sex with him.
> 
> He greatly underestimated us....


Both my boys have told me this. I do feel like I must be missing something.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

He will deny your version of the events though, and claim the police just took your side. I point out in any case I am certain the police heard his voice raised, no matter what else he may deny. Even that much is not acceptable, in my book.

That's always the trouble with the net. He said, she said.

But from both sides, several facts are evident. You two had vicious arguments. He moved out repeatedly. He did admit to using economic blackmail. 

Just those few things alone are adequate grounds for most of the negative judgement here. 

I have helped women leave abusive men before. I have seen the damage men do when no one is watching and how the men grovel and snivel about how she forced the guy to hit her because of her constant attitude. The denials get old. I think where there is smoke there is a fire. The benefit of the doubt? No, I don't do that. If a wife wants to keep going back for more, I will support that, even to the point of helping her into the wheelchair at the hospital and wheeling her to her husbands car.

Luckily so far after the women I have known who have been hospitalized more than once have finally decided to leave their husbands. The husbands continued to blame the wives. Even when it was the wife in the hospital. Stuff like, well, if she had just kept her mouth shut I wouldn't have hit her. Even after divorce, the guy still blames the wife.

At some point you have to give up on trying to get the guy to understand. He won't.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Who to believe? My only question is - Why are you two still married? Your combative natures must be doing wonders for teaching your children good relationship skills!!


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Gaslighting.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...e/201701/11-signs-gaslighting-in-relationship

"Gaslighting is a tactic in which a person or entity, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality. It works much better than you may think. Anyone is susceptible to gaslighting, and it is a common technique of abusers, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders. It is done slowly, so the victim doesn't realize how much they've been brainwashed."

And it's actually pretty easy to do.

When we discovered my wife's church had done it to her I studied it. I think someone who has already suffered from it, such as my wife, is more susceptible to it. And it doesn't have to be very slow. She was put under tremendous pressure in an intervention similar to an exorcism to chase the devil out of her, after which she became very devoted to the church.

Any husband who tries to tell his wife she has a psychological disorder is obviously attempting to do this. That diagnosis should be done only by a qualified psychological professional. Anyone else who starts spouting off such nonsense has some agenda which has nothing to do with the health of the patient.


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## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

I came on here at my husbands request to learn something about our sex issues. It has gone so far beyond that. It was not my intention to go this far in detail about our marriage problems. I was hoping that he would see, that if a woman doesn't feel safe, secure and loved, she's not going to want sex. It has been since just after Christmas that we had sex. I didn't want it then either, but I have been having sex with him whether I wanted to or not for years. I think that's part of loving someone. He just moved back in Christmas Eve. His son refused to come for Christmas dinner because his father was going to be there. I covered for him of course. I didn't want my husbands feeling to be hurt. It's not just me who sees this. My kids see it as well. He is very careful to tell everyone how wonderful I am. All our neighbors find him funny and charming. He will help anyone at the drop of a hat. This is someone who found a homeless man kicked out of the hospital and bought him clothes and found him shelter. We have two grey cats he found as kittens starving without a mother. My point is, there are so many wonderful aspects of this man, but it does not change the bad. He feels that because he gets up and goes to work every day that we should kiss his feet. He wants to do and act however he feels and we just need to tolerate it. I have been a stay at home mom. My house is clean, my gardens are beautiful. The laundry and shopping and every other thing to make a house a home. I cook and bake, I am seriously pretty damn close to Martha Stewart. The last fight we had, the kids recorded it. He just kept saying, you're a liability, a burden, you cook and that's it you cook. You're going to be crying while I laugh at you. He says these things regularly and always tells me how sorry he is for saying them. I have been telling him for years that it hurts me and he needs to stop. He always says he will, but never does. He goes out of his way to tell me other woman have told him how handsome he is and what a good catch he is. As far as projects around the house, he doesn't even do those. I can't get him to put salt in the water softener. We had our kitchen re-done 8 years ago. He was supposed to install 2 doors after it was complete. About a year later, he finally did one of them. The other sat in the garage for another 5 years until I hired someone to install it (that made him mad). That was 2 years ago and it still sits without trim. For my birthday (August) He started building me a house for the cat to be outside. It sits in our garage still. So the one after noon he built boxes for me was wonderful. I didn't even get a chance to finish looking at it when he said "I built you a box, don't you think it's time we had sex". To hear him talk on here it's not about sex. I mean he even says it to me so I wonder if he actually hears himself. I have told him that I'm not comfortable around him, he makes me nervous as soon as he walks through the door and then he asks when we're having sex. He told me he's not going to kiss my butt to try to make things right. I heard, I don't love you enough. So there's a little more of the story.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

You do have to consider you may loose the house to gain your freedom. 

Economic blackmail is a strong tool. One of the ways to defeat it is to not be too attached to the things which require you to need money.

For my wife's sister to gain her freedom she had to leave the house behind. I think it was the right choice.

Everyone has to make their own choice.


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## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

mary35 said:


> Who to believe? My only question is - Why are you two still married? Your combative natures must be doing wonders for teaching your children good relationship skills!!


You're right Mary. I am sure my youngest daughter is going to have a hard time and I can't even tell you how horrible I feel about that.
I used to look at woman who were beat by their husbands, and think, what is wrong with them? If she stays, she deserves it. Funny when put in a similar situation I can't see through it. I do believe my husband loves me, I just don't know in what way. Everyone here has been very helpful in getting me thinking. No one ever sees this, so I don't get feedback from others.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

I am sure there is a LOT more to this story! However, your issues are not going to be fixed here on TAM! Both of you need to cease fire and end the war! Either end the marriage or both of you get some serious counseling - first for yourselves then if you can be in the same room without fighting - try marriage counseling! If for no other reason - stop this war for your children's sake!!! I suspect they are probably being injured from being caught in the middle of your combat zone!!!


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## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> You do have to consider you may loose the house to gain your freedom.
> 
> Economic blackmail is a strong tool. One of the ways to defeat it is to not be too attached to the things which require you to need money.
> 
> ...


I am aware of that. He has told me he will never force me out and will take care of me until I can get on my feet and longer. So it's not the losing my house and things that scares me. He was my best friend for so many years. Oh he could make me laugh, he has provided me with a beautiful home and nice things. We would stay up way too late just talking. We would get lost in each other. He would promise me the moon! This has not been the case for about 5 years now. I guess I just keep hoping to get that back. We have been having financial difficulties for some time now. I have gone back to school so I can help out. My kids are grown so they don't need me at home. It's looking like it was the best decision I could have made. I'm going to need to be able to support myself.


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## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

mary35 said:


> I am sure there is a LOT more to this story! However, your issues are not going to be fixed here on TAM! Both of you need to cease fire and end the war! Either end the marriage or both of you get some serious counseling - first for yourselves then if you can be in the same room without fighting - try marriage counseling! If for no other reason - stop this war for your children's sake!!! I suspect they are probably being injured from being caught in the middle of your combat zone!!!


We did 2 sessions Mary, he refuses.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I believe in marriage counseling for many things but not this... this just hurts to read.

I think simple is best... love yourself more, leave that what hurts you, find peace in your life somewhere else.

You will not find what you need where you are... your different path calls you.

We believe in you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Your poll is irrelevant. The issues here aren't about sex. it's that your H is an @$$.

You could hire every porn star in Southern California and South Beach to come into your house and all screw him all day every day and he'd still be an @$$. 

You can't cure bad character. 


If you want to feel better, have a better relationship and have a happier and healthier existance, lose some weight....

.........as in lose 195lbs of @$$. (that means lose your husband if you didn't catch that. I don't know his actual weight so I just guessed 195lbs)


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And MC will be pointless and a waste of time and money. 

MC can help two decent people who both sincerely want to make things better communicate and express their positions more effectively. 

MC does not turn selfish, boarish people of bad character into good people. 

All an MC will be able to do is tell your husband that he is being selfish and an @$$ and that his behavior and his cheating is making things worse. 

Your H will then say that the MC is picking on him and doesn't know what he/she is talking about and he will continue to treat you badly and continue to cheat on you - total waste of time and money. 

The only possible benefit from going to MC is so you can tell your Aunt Beulah in Utah that you tried everything and it didn't work. 

If you want to have a healthy and happy relationship that is built on love and mutual compassion and respect vs just keeping someone's tank drained like a perfect porn star, then you will have to find someone else. 

If you want to be happy and healthy and enjoy life in your own skin even if that doesn't mean finding someone else, then you will still need to get rid of him. 

If you simply want peace of mind, you will still need to get rid of him. 

Your problems are a character issue with him and you can't fix or change him. Nothing you can do will change him or turn him into a better person. You can only do things for yourself. The best of which will be simply letting him go find his porn girls while you go do whatever it is that you would like to do.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

For the record, I meant Individual counseling. Him not going is his choice - what is stopping you? You can't change him - and he can't change you! Work on yourself and your issues! Even if the marriage ends, you will carry your baggage with you into a new relationship unless you get rid of it.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Lol this guy almost sounds like a caricature..and I very much doubt he sent anyone here "To learn something"


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

The difficulty with counseling will be the cost. Can someone suggest a way to get counseling at a low cost?

I don't know anything about low cost possibilities, since my medical coverage is quite good.

Again, no one but a professional can ever attempt to diagnose a psychological disorder. Anyone who is not properly licensed and attempts to diagnose is doing so for some nefarious reason and cannot be trusted.

My wife had a lot of problems, and spent several years in therapy. She was badly traumatized, and suffered panic attacks almost every day. She did not have any psychological disorder at all. She used to say one of her shrinks would joke with her about the movie High Anxiety, and that was the closest to a diagnosis anyone ever got.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

touatitoconsulty said:


> I will try to be as positiv as possible but realistic as a man with 3long experiences. A man is not like a woman ... This simple statment is also said by God before us but we did not understand that. Trying to direct we are not same in our body 1, in our mind 2in our interior sexual needs 3.in change we are same in our commun creation only with a soul from God. ... To be direct :if a woman get a certain age or stage.. She shoud let her husband get a second wife under her knowledge and maybe even chosen by her... And her husband will apreciate that for the rest of his and her entire life. BUT you should overcome your ego as a woman, the social boudery and the legal boundery. What is nice in that story is that poligamy was a fact with all prophets before us excepting jesus. Is this the truth? In the bible.... If so why God has allowed all the prophets having more than a wife from abraham to mohammed?


Where do you live? What country?

You will find that most people on this forum do not accept what you say here nor do we accept polygamy. Nor do we believe that a husband has the right to reject his wife and get another woman simply because she has health problems and/or is aging. He is aging too. The day will come when he will need someone to care for him. He would be better off treating her right now so that he has someone who loves him and cares for him in his old age.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WilliamM said:


> The difficulty with counseling will be the cost. Can someone suggest a way to get counseling at a low cost?
> 
> I don't know anything about low cost possibilities, since my medical coverage is quite good.
> 
> ...


She might be able to go to some organization that provides sliding scale counseling for victims of abuse. She is a victim of at least verbal/emotional abuse. Then there is the incident of him keeping her barricaded in the bedroom and him bashing her daughter's head into the wall. That is some serious physical abuse. She needs to start there.

Here are is contact info to the national DV hotline. They can help her find the help she needs.


* The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support*

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Annalea

Check your private messages.


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## Mr. Bigglesworth (Apr 22, 2017)

There is no domestic violence going on. Nor will there be. You guys have been mislead.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr. Bigglesworth said:


> There is no domestic violence going on. Nor will there be. You guys have been mislead.


There is something really wrong with your marriage. This is not you are right and she is wrong, or visa versa.

If your wife is lying and making this up, you should stay as far away from her as you can. If she is not lying and making it up, she needs to get as far away form you as she can.

That tells me that the two of you need to get away from each other. If you two want to get back together, you should only do it after living apart for at least a year. In that time you both need some serious individual therapy. And then you need marriage counseling to restructure your marriage. 

And you both need to read "Love Busters" And "His Needs, Her Needs" to learn how to act and threat each other in your marriage.

The fact is that your wife does not trust you and is afraid of you on several levels. She feels/believes (these do mean different things) that you have been saying and do things that are very unkind to her. That you have been pretty darn mean to her now that she has changed sexually due to the hysterectomy, menopause and hormone issues. This has to be dealt with.

If this is what she believes, this is where you need to start with interacting with her. To her this is real. If your response is that she is just making it up, then you are denying her as a person who has her own view of things and her own feelings, etc. That is her reality. Denying her reality is not going to fix things. Addressing it on her terms will go a long way to heal this.


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## Mr. Bigglesworth (Apr 22, 2017)

You're right on target as I knew you would be. I don't deny her reality. And I'm humble enough and receptive to it. This works both ways. This is exactly the point I have been trying to make. Thank you.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

@Mr. Bigglesworth do you have a rage/anger problem?

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## Mr. Bigglesworth (Apr 22, 2017)

I used to have a problem with anger. I've had it well under control for the past two years. That is where some of the preliminary damage was done. I know that. I've learned how that is perceived and the damage done. I know. Believe me if I could undo it, I would. And I have been trying very hard to make it right. And I have had a lot of success. I realize this makes me a huge target in this thread. Who am I kidding? I am the target. It doesn't matter. The only way for one to gain honest feedback is with honest input. I have no interest in dodging the truth. I just wish she would reciprocate that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr. Bigglesworth said:


> I used to have a problem with anger. I've had it well under control for the past two years. That is where some of the preliminary damage was done. I know that. I've learned how that is perceived and the damage done. I know. Believe me if I could undo it, I would. And I have been trying very hard to make it right. And I have had a lot of success. I realize this makes me a huge target in this thread. Who am I kidding? I am the target. It doesn't matter. The only way for one to gain honest feedback is with honest input. I have no interest in dodging the truth. I just wish she would reciprocate that.


Did you ever throw things, break things, hit walls, furniture, etc. when you were angry? If so, how often? When was the last time?


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## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Did you ever throw things, break things, hit walls, furniture, etc. when you were angry? If so, how often? When was the last time?


2 Doors, a metal garbage, 3 walls, dish washer, lamp, tore the phone out of my hand and smashed it on the ground the first time I tried to call the police on him. Threw the stool at the back door and broke the stool and the blinds. Many misc items. He has knocked on my butt, pushed me, grabbed me, thrown things at me. The last being the phone about a month or so ago daring me to call the police on him. He has severe anger issues and they have only, slightly improved, which still makes them severe.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Annalea said:


> 2 Doors, a metal garbage, 3 walls, dish washer, lamp, tore the phone out of my hand and smashed it on the ground the first time I tried to call the police on him. Threw the stool at the back door and broke the stool and the blinds. Many misc items. He has knocked on my butt, pushed me, grabbed me, thrown things at me. The last being the phone about a month or so ago daring me to call the police on him. He has severe anger issues and they have only, slightly improved, which still makes them severe.


Sounds like my ex, son's father. 

This is serious domestic violence.

When something is thrown, broken, etc. the message is that this time it's an object. Next time it just might be you. It is a tactic used to gain control by making you fear him.

Does he do these types of things at work? At the homes of friends? How about when he's out shopping? Or is this behavior reserved for when he's at home behind closed doors.

My bet is that it's behind closed doors. That means that he has 100% control over his actions. He CHOOSES to be violent at home because it helps him set up a situation where he is in control. It's a tactic. Domestic violence is usually not some guy (or gal) who is out of control. It is done by people who have complete control over their actions for the purpose of getting the message across that they are willing to hurt you remain in control of you at all times.


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## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

Mr. Bigglesworth said:


> I used to have a problem with anger. I've had it well under control for the past two years. That is where some of the preliminary damage was done. I know that. I've learned how that is perceived and the damage done. I know. Believe me if I could undo it, I would. And I have been trying very hard to make it right. And I have had a lot of success. I realize this makes me a huge target in this thread. Who am I kidding? I am the target. It doesn't matter. The only way for one to gain honest feedback is with honest input. I have no interest in dodging the truth. I just wish she would reciprocate that.


Please, do tell. What truths am I dodging? I have been telling you for years you are abusive, only to be called a liar. I have to make sure our windows are closed before we start a conversation because you will be yelling in no time. You have nothing under control except me! I can't even say the names that you call me on here, every time we have an arguement.


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## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Sounds like my ex, son's father.
> 
> This is serious domestic violence.
> 
> ...


I have never seen it anywhere else, have only heard from his son, that he displays some of the same anger at work. His son once picked up a baseball bat to defend me when he thought he was going to hit me.


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## Mr. Bigglesworth (Apr 22, 2017)

I'm not violent. She is now amusing herself at my expense. And this isn't helpful for her or me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr. Bigglesworth said:


> I used to have a problem with anger. I've had it well under control for the past two years. That is where some of the preliminary damage was done. I know that. I've learned how that is perceived and the damage done. I know. Believe me if I could undo it, I would. And I have been trying very hard to make it right. And I have had a lot of success. I realize this makes me a huge target in this thread. Who am I kidding? I am the target. It doesn't matter. The only way for one to gain honest feedback is with honest input. I have no interest in dodging the truth. I just wish she would reciprocate that.


You are a real problem. I'm saying this a firmly and kindly as I can. I want you to get the help you need to let go of this behavior. You do not need this behavior to control your life. And you need help to stop doing. You need to take this seriously and get into individual counseling and anger management. You need to admit it and deal with it.

If your wife ever lets you back into her life, it will take her years to learn to trust that the new you is not a violent person that she should fear. This is something that you will bare the responsibility for, for the rest of your life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Annalea said:


> I have never seen it anywhere else, have only heard from his son, that he displays some of the same anger at work. His son once picked up a baseball bat to defend me when he thought he was going to hit me.


Yikes.

My son's father is an angry, abusive man. We divorced in 1996. When my son was in 10th grade they had a physical fight after his father was throwing things at him for watching TV. My son picked his father up and slammed him into the wall and told him to never, ever do anything like that again. And then my son walked out the door. That was the last time he spent a night at his father's house. My ex is 5'6". My son is adopted. He's 6'4". I guess my son just got to the point where he was big enough to teach his father that he (son) was not going to allow the abuse to continue.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr. Bigglesworth said:


> I'm not violent. She is now amusing herself at my expense. And this isn't helpful for her or me.


If she is lying, you should run like hell from her. Why would you love and want to be with a woman who you say is lying? If she’s lying, she bat **** crazy and a danger to you.


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## Mr. Bigglesworth (Apr 22, 2017)

Because she is the love of my life. I do intend to go. We've discussed it rationally and came to the same conclusion. Before any of this posting. I don't understand what her objective is at this point. I think it's just amusement for her. She's enjoying this. And I'm ok with it. If she spends any time on this site after you all finish bashing me, she may find something that actually helps her. It doesn't matter if it's in my favor or not. Just want her to have peace and happiness. If that means I'm not in the picture, I'm ok with that. I'm not the person that I have been portrayed as. I'm not controlling or any of that. I can't prove it. And I don't need to. I know that "most" of you have a genuine concern for her and me. And I know you mean well. I really appreciate everyone's input. Even the negative. It helps me garner a full perspective.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I do hope you never unleash your anger.

Angry people in some cases just get angry and more and more.

Have you had help in dealing with your anger ? would you be willing to show your wife that you love that you are willing to get some tools to help with anger management?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Why do you love her and what does "love" mean to you?





Mr. Bigglesworth said:


> I'm not violent. She is now amusing herself at my expense. And this isn't helpful for her or me.


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## Mr. Bigglesworth (Apr 22, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Why do you love her and what does "love" mean to you?


I love her because she's my best friend. And I am hers. We connect on a level that most people envy. I love how she cares for me. And she does. I love how she thinks. I love her for her courage. I can go on and on. She's really amazing. And the icing on the cake is, she's drop dead gorgeous. All that and more. We just got derailed by life. And having a hell of a time getting back on track.

I don't know how to articulate what love means to me. That's really in depth. I could respond with a short novel. I will say that I love her enough to come here and be humiliated for her sake.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr. Bigglesworth said:


> Because she is the love of my life. I do intend to go. We've discussed it rationally and came to the same conclusion. Before any of this posting. I don't understand what her objective is at this point. I think it's just amusement for her. She's enjoying this. And I'm ok with it. If she spends any time on this site after you all finish bashing me, she may find something that actually helps her. It doesn't matter if it's in my favor or not. Just want her to have peace and happiness. If that means I'm not in the picture, I'm ok with that. I'm not the person that I have been portrayed as. I'm not controlling or any of that. I can't prove it. And I don't need to. I know that "most" of you have a genuine concern for her and me. And I know you mean well. I really appreciate everyone's input. Even the negative. It helps me garner a full perspective.


Get the book Dance of Anger. Both of you would benefit from reading it.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

How did life derail things?




Mr. Bigglesworth said:


> I love her because she's my best friend. And I am hers. We connect on a level that most people envy. I love how she cares for me. And she does. I love how she thinks. I love her for her courage. I can go on and on. She's really amazing. And the icing on the cake is, she's drop dead gorgeous. All that and more. We just got derailed by life. And having a hell of a time getting back on track.
> 
> I don't know how to articulate what love means to me. That's really in depth. I could respond with a short novel. I will say that I love her enough to come here and be humiliated for her sake.


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

I'd be leaving him. I'm sorry, but being pressured into sex when you are ill, and him threatening to find a girlfriend are not OK. 

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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Annalea said:


> I was trying to keep the post short and address the problems. You pouring my coffee first? You talked me in to the surgery, that I DID NOT WANT! Only because you hoped it would improve your sex life. It didn't, it only made it worse, just like I said it would. I am the one being crucified over it. Do looking at the Craig's list postings help you as well? Missed connections? Hiding your cell phone or grabbing it out of my hand while I was looking at photo's? None of this used to be a problem until you disappeared on the beach, alone, in the rain, without your cell phone. It is vulgar and 100% truthful. Why are you even bothering posting here with your oh so eloquent speech? Our texts don't display the same way.


Honestly.

Why do you STAY with this pig?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Annalea said:


> He was removed from our home because he trapped me in our bedroom and was pushing and yelling at me. I was screaming at him to leave me alone and let me out. My 18 year old daughter forced her way in to my room to get to me. When she did she hit him with the door because he was standing in front of it to keep me in. He then grabbed her by the head and pushed her into the wall. Yeah, those cops will just FIND a reason to remove you.


And yet, you STILL cling to this loser like grim death. Even when your OWN KIDS are telling you it's time to get out.

Don't you respect yourself at all?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Annalea said:


> 2 Doors, a metal garbage, 3 walls, dish washer, lamp, tore the phone out of my hand and smashed it on the ground the first time I tried to call the police on him. Threw the stool at the back door and broke the stool and the blinds. Many misc items. He has knocked on my butt, pushed me, grabbed me, thrown things at me. The last being the phone about a month or so ago daring me to call the police on him. He has severe anger issues and they have only, slightly improved, which still makes them severe.


At the risk of being redundant, WHY do you continue to cling like grim death to this loser? 

I'm sorry, but at one time you were a victim. You became a volunteer a long time ago.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ugh...

I didn't do the poll because x a week does not indicate a healthy marriage.

Your marriage is in horrendous trouble and I do not believe your sex poll will help.

I will answer your question though.

I have always been HD to an extreme.

I have met only two women that could keep stride with me and that was years ago in their late teens and early twenties, who knows what changes have occurred over two and a half decades later.

Mrs. Conan is not a woman that has ever been able to keep up.

I can go 3-5 x an hour to completion, I am sore afterwards, and be ready for more half a day later.

Mrs. C has changed over the years and went through early menopause as well.

She has had some pain and discomfort during sex as well.

I would never behave like your husband towards her.

I love her and cherish her.

We have had productive conversations about sexual frequency when she was dropping off. It had dropped down to about 3 times a month and she never initiated.

We have worked together with me being comforting and supportive of her efforts, and she has increased her libido to levels where she initiates 2 or 3x a week and we have sex 7 times on a good week and maybe twice on a slow one.

The radical difference between your marriage and mine is that when Mrs. C has physical pain or any health issue, I take things in "hand".

I would be horrified if I caused her injury and bleeding from sex after she had a surgery! I would take a lot of convincing to have intercourse with her again.

She has had to practically rape me to get us back on track after she has had an illness or injury because I desperately love her and would much rather masturbate for the rest of my life than ever physically harm her through sex.

He needs counseling to get a healthier outlook and more self control.

You could use some as well.

I have not met many people as sex crazy as myself and I would not behave like your husband.

If you are capable of 3x a week for good, loving intercourse as well as having a fun romantic atmosphere, you are just fine in my book.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

@[MENTION=4230]Mr Bigglesworth you have admitted you have a rage/anger problem, but it has gotten better. Did you seek professional help? What was the wake up call for you? When was the last time you raged?

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## Mr. Bigglesworth (Apr 22, 2017)

@EVRYONE

The Original post is false. To think I would have sex with my wife while she's bleeding and screaming in pain is absurd. I can't even begin to tell you how offensive this thread has become. I initially wanted to participate because I have seen common sense prevail so many times here on TAM. This is not one of those cases. We've had sex once in the last six months. Does that really sound like a guy who takes it whenever without regard for my wife? She's taken a sensitive subject and dangled it in a public forum for her own amusement and to be vindictive. And I can see all but a couple of you are so happy and eager to play along. Since I'm the man, I am automatically the perpetrator here. And she the innocent victim. Such a familiar pattern that I am so very weary of. I can and have admitted to my shortcomings. I admitted to two of the biggest (in my opinion) and I have rectified them. I did that to demonstrate transparency. It's obviously backfired. The most common and missing element in any of these exchanges between my wife and I is what is her role in all of this? Its just stupid to think that I barge in like a wild jackass smashing and destroying and then **** my wife until she bleeds. And to think I would grab my daughter by the head and smash her head into the wall....well that is an outright lie. And that really just destroys me to be spoken of that way. I suggested this site to her hoping she would be able to find something for her. Something that would help. It may help her to have a group of people cheering her on to the destruction of our relationship. But it doesn't really do much for me. For me it was a desperate attempt to get her something that would help. I really didn't want to divorce her. I have been grossly misrepresented here. I think my participation further is just destructive. It's not helping.


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## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> At the risk of being redundant, WHY do you continue to cling like grim death to this loser?
> 
> I'm sorry, but at one time you were a victim. You became a volunteer a long time ago.[/QUOTE
> 
> ...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Mr. Bigglesworth said:


> @EVRYONE
> 
> The Original post is false. To think I would have sex with my wife while she's bleeding and screaming in pain is absurd. I can't even begin to tell you how offensive this thread has become. I initially wanted to participate because I have seen common sense prevail so many times here on TAM. This is not one of those cases. We've had sex once in the last six months. Does that really sound like a guy who takes it whenever without regard for my wife? She's taken a sensitive subject and dangled it in a public forum for her own amusement and to be vindictive. And I can see all but a couple of you are so happy and eager to play along. Since I'm the man, I am automatically the perpetrator here. And she the innocent victim. Such a familiar pattern that I am so very weary of. I can and have admitted to my shortcomings. I admitted to two of the biggest (in my opinion) and I have rectified them. I did that to demonstrate transparency. It's obviously backfired. The most common and missing element in any of these exchanges between my wife and I is what is her role in all of this? Its just stupid to think that I barge in like a wild jackass smashing and destroying and then **** my wife until she bleeds. And to think I would grab my daughter by the head and smash her head into the wall....well that is an outright lie. And that really just destroys me to be spoken of that way. I suggested this site to her hoping she would be able to find something for her. Something that would help. It may help her to have a group of people cheering her on to the destruction of our relationship. But it doesn't really do much for me. For me it was a desperate attempt to get her something that would help. I really didn't want to divorce her. I have been grossly misrepresented here. I think my participation further is just destructive. It's not helping.


Keep posting. There are obviously two dynamically opposite points if view here and your wife is possibly just using us for her jollies.

If that is the case, we have little patience for misrepresenting her situation.

Take a breath and be patient with us. We only have words on a screen to go by.

You are right.

We don't know everything so please stick around and calmly let us know your side.

Does your wife have a mental or emotional instability?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Mr. Bigglesworth said:


> I have never raised my hand to a woman. I've never hit my wife. This is bull****.


I apologize for losing my temper. Please excuse my outburst.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

@Annalea tell me again why you're still with him?

I was in a physically abusive 12 year relationship. It does NOT get better without heavy duty, long term professional help. Without it, It gets worse. I'm living proof. I had to leave because I was in danger.

This is far beyond your abilities to help him. 

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

Mr. Bigglesworth said:


> @EVRYONE
> 
> The Original post is false. To think I would have sex with my wife while she's bleeding and screaming in pain is absurd. I can't even begin to tell you how offensive this thread has become. I initially wanted to participate because I have seen common sense prevail so many times here on TAM. This is not one of those cases. We've had sex once in the last six months. Does that really sound like a guy who takes it whenever without regard for my wife? She's taken a sensitive subject and dangled it in a public forum for her own amusement and to be vindictive. And I can see all but a couple of you are so happy and eager to play along. Since I'm the man, I am automatically the perpetrator here. And she the innocent victim. Such a familiar pattern that I am so very weary of. I can and have admitted to my shortcomings. I admitted to two of the biggest (in my opinion) and I have rectified them. I did that to demonstrate transparency. It's obviously backfired. The most common and missing element in any of these exchanges between my wife and I is what is her role in all of this? Its just stupid to think that I barge in like a wild jackass smashing and destroying and then **** my wife until she bleeds. And to think I would grab my daughter by the head and smash her head into the wall....well that is an outright lie. And that really just destroys me to be spoken of that way. I suggested this site to her hoping she would be able to find something for her. Something that would help. It may help her to have a group of people cheering her on to the destruction of our relationship. But it doesn't really do much for me. For me it was a desperate attempt to get her something that would help. I really didn't want to divorce her. I have been grossly misrepresented here. I think my participation further is just destructive. It's not helping.


The original post is 100% accurate! No one said I was screaming in pain. We had sex the day the Doctor gave the okay. I bled and had a lot of pain. You wanted it again the next night, to make up for lost time. We have has sex once in the last six months because I am not comfortable with you. I get physically ill in your presence. I have told you that. THIS is where part of the problem comes in... You think I'm supposed to have sex with you even when you're making me sick, being abusive. You get to do and say whatever you want and I'm supposed to be okay with it. You do barge in like a wild jackass breaking things and trowing the phone at my chest DARING me to call the police because if I do you will walk away and leave me homeless. The destruction of our relationship is on you! I have learned so much through posts and other places I've been sent to read. They are all saying the same thing I thought and said. It's validation really... I'm not crazy.


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## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> Keep posting. There are obviously two dynamically opposite points if view here and your wife is possibly just using us for her jollies.
> 
> If that is the case, we have little patience for misrepresenting her situation.
> 
> ...


If you can walk me through uploading a video my son recorded, I can make it very clear who's not posting the truth.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

lucy999 said:


> @Annalea tell me again why you're still with him?
> 
> I was in a physically abusive 12 year relationship. It does NOT get better without heavy duty, long term professional help. Without it, It gets worse. I'm living proof. I had to leave because I was in danger.
> 
> ...


Correct. If this is all true, why are you still there?

You sound like a very feisty, confident woman who doesn't put up with shenanigans.

Conflicting reports?

He is obviously enough of a man to keep you attracted for all this time?

You don't come off as a beaten down doormat.


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## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

I also have e-mails and texts


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Annalea said:


> If you can walk me through uploading a video my son recorded, I can make it very clear who's not posting the truth.


Have a moderator help you. Elegirl is a moderator that is posting on this thread and can definitely get you headed in that direction.

Thank you for being patient with us.

We really do only have words on a page to go by.


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## Mr. Bigglesworth (Apr 22, 2017)

Annalea said:


> His mom dies. This is the beginning of hell. She's been gone five years now. He is understandably, a mess. He no longer watches what he says or how he acts. This is the he's going to do and say whatever he wants and we all need to deal with it. I try. I try to be on my best behavior keep the kids in line. I have now started to exaggerate my anger towards to kids to protect them from him exploding at them. If I act first, there was no need for him to get involved. It had become me learning to manage my husband. This is when the boys start to speak up. I tell them that he's going through a very hard time, we need to help him through it. I am NOT running out on my husband in crisis! What kind of person does that.


So then, how did you end up in Chicago? With the children? Nah, you'd never do something like that. I suppose that's another of my fabrications.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Annalea said:


> If you can walk me through uploading a video my son recorded, I can make it very clear who's not posting the truth.


 @EleGirl

Can you get this lady some assistance with this technical issue?


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## Mr. Bigglesworth (Apr 22, 2017)

I give. Have your fun here. I won't be a part of it. You can't get good advice if you're not transparent.


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## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> Correct. If this is all true, why are you still there?
> 
> You sound like a very feisty, confident woman who doesn't put up with shenanigans.
> 
> ...


Yes sir you are 100% correct. I am, and I have never showed him fear. I have always stood toe to toe with him even when he was yelling and spitting in my face. He pushed me down with both hands and a lot of force once, and I stood myself back up and punched him in the face and told him if he ever hit me again I would kill him. I come from a home of verbal abuse and alcoholism. I think that's why I'm still here. It isn't something that that a "normal" could handle. I've seen it all my life so I guess in a sense, I am desensitized to it. A normal person would have been gone long ago.

I've been a stay at home mom. He's always had that control over me. We had a great marriage in the beginning he always made me feel like an equal. His words are sweet. To hear him talk you would swear I was a super model. He always seemed to draw me back with his words. The words have stopped and his actions are the worst. I think I may have become a beaten down doormat.


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## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

Mr. Bigglesworth said:


> So then, how did you end up in Chicago? With the children? Nah, you'd never do something like that. I suppose that's another of my fabrications.


When my husbands mother died is when things really got bad. She lived 10 hours away from us. She left us with a bit of a mess. We had to take turns going there to clean her home out. While my husband was at his mothers house and I was at home. We got in a huge argument, can't even remember what it was about. He started his yelling and threats so I threw my kids in the car and drove to Chicago. (That's where I'm from). Told him I would be back when he learned how to treat me. The funny thing is, once again he drew me back with words, but I didn't have one foot out of the car before he started yelling at me.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Mr. Bigglesworth said:


> *We went to MC once and he told me that was a bad thing to do. I get it. But when your desperate to end the circular fighting, it seems rational. I'm leaving a lot out here. Had I posted first, you guys would be telling me to download "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and to enact the "180". WHich, kind of changes my perspective on it all. We only know what the poster tells us and advise accordingly. *


Actually my post to you would likely have been similar to the one to your wife, where I quote David Schnarch and told her that she also owns some of the problem.

I will tell you basically the same thing.

Now go tell your wife you love her, tell her you know you hurt her and she hurt you, but that you want to break the cycle and rebuild your marriage with the help of a great marriage counselor.

Remember the keys to a good marriage are commitment and two-way trust.

Good luck.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I suggest you establish direct communications with EleGirl. Once that is done send her the video. Let her view it.

EleGirl can say whatever needs to be said. She is an excellent resource.

There is no way to know the truth regarding many statements.

Many statements which are not disputed justify counseling, and as EleGirl said a separation for a while, at least a year, while you two try to sort all this out. Simply the fact Annalea is nervous when her husband comes home instead of happy justifies those things. If Annalea says she does not trust her husband, it isn't anyone else's place to tell her she does not does not really feel that way.

People can line up with one side or the other all they want. It won't matter.

After a year of living apart, and counseling, if Annalea feels she can trust her husband and her husband wants to continue to pursue the relationship, good for them.

Maybe they should get a divorce, then get a prenup that guarantees total economic independence for Annalea in the event of another blowup, before trying again. But that's my own vicious negativism speaking.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

I am all on fire to hear details about the video.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Annalea said:


> I came on here at my husbands request to learn something about our sex issues. It has gone so far beyond that. It was not my intention to go this far in detail about our marriage problems. I was hoping that he would see, that if a woman doesn't feel safe, secure and loved, she's not going to want sex. It has been since just after Christmas that we had sex. I didn't want it then either, but I have been having sex with him whether I wanted to or not for years. I think that's part of loving someone. He just moved back in Christmas Eve. His son refused to come for Christmas dinner because his father was going to be there. I covered for him of course. I didn't want my husbands feeling to be hurt. It's not just me who sees this. My kids see it as well. He is very careful to tell everyone how wonderful I am. All our neighbors find him funny and charming. He will help anyone at the drop of a hat. This is someone who found a homeless man kicked out of the hospital and bought him clothes and found him shelter. We have two grey cats he found as kittens starving without a mother. My point is, there are so many wonderful aspects of this man, but it does not change the bad. He feels that because he gets up and goes to work every day that we should kiss his feet. He wants to do and act however he feels and we just need to tolerate it. I have been a stay at home mom. My house is clean, my gardens are beautiful. The laundry and shopping and every other thing to make a house a home. I cook and bake, I am seriously pretty damn close to Martha Stewart. The last fight we had, the kids recorded it. He just kept saying, you're a liability, a burden, you cook and that's it you cook. You're going to be crying while I laugh at you. He says these things regularly and always tells me how sorry he is for saying them. I have been telling him for years that it hurts me and he needs to stop. He always says he will, but never does. He goes out of his way to tell me other woman have told him how handsome he is and what a good catch he is. As far as projects around the house, he doesn't even do those. I can't get him to put salt in the water softener. We had our kitchen re-done 8 years ago. He was supposed to install 2 doors after it was complete. About a year later, he finally did one of them. The other sat in the garage for another 5 years until I hired someone to install it (that made him mad). That was 2 years ago and it still sits without trim. For my birthday (August) He started building me a house for the cat to be outside. It sits in our garage still. So the one after noon he built boxes for me was wonderful. I didn't even get a chance to finish looking at it when he said "I built you a box, don't you think it's time we had sex". To hear him talk on here it's not about sex. I mean he even says it to me so I wonder if he actually hears himself. I have told him that I'm not comfortable around him, he makes me nervous as soon as he walks through the door and then he asks when we're having sex. He told me he's not going to kiss my butt to try to make things right. I heard, I don't love you enough. So there's a little more of the story.


This marriage is lacking in love and respect. As I said before you both need IC, you to deal with the hurt of his soul crushing words, him to deal with the physical rejection. The marriage has alot of damage already, it may not be salvageable.

I would recommend that you both listen to the podcasts on this website

https://loveandrespect.com/


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## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

I was just informed that I better get used to walking and welcomed to his "scorched earth policy" so I guess I should cut my losses and be on my way...

Thanks for listening.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Annalea said:


> Please, do tell. What truths am I dodging? I have been telling you for years you are abusive, only to be called a liar. I have to make sure our windows are closed before we start a conversation because you will be yelling in no time. You have nothing under control except me! I can't even say the names that you call me on here, every time we have an arguement.


Annalea, why close the windows, keep them open, the doors too, why are you hiding what he is doing to you and the family. He has to be exposed for what he is, abusive, controlling etc. 
But cameras in the house and record everything. Mr Bigglesworth, if you have done all of those things, yes you have a major problem and need help ASAP. No real man treats his wife or family like this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Annalea 


Make sure you have that video saved in a place he cannot get to. Shoot, save off to a few different places.


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## Mr. Bigglesworth (Apr 22, 2017)

I'm not the controlling one, she is. This thread has reached a ridiculous state. I keep telling you she has and is misinforming you. And by all means, save that video. As if it matters. She knows I walk away with nothing willingly. I'll go live in a tent before I'll stand another minute of this hypocrisy. I have been nothing but humiliated since this started. I tried taking it on the chin in hopes that something helpful would turn up. Instead, she's got you all believing I beat her and abuse her constantly. I'm no angel that's for sure, but I pale in comparison to her. She's got you all fooled. She doesn't need protection from me. I'm willingly giving her everything. And providing support as well. Only a coward would rip the rug out from under someone like that. She does need protection from herself, though. Seriously...get off the abuse crap. She's so combative over the smallest of issues and has an overwhelming obsession with being right about everything. Even things that don't matter. We went to MC and she opened the conversation by telling the counselor (Wait...I thought I refused to go?) that she was always right about everything. She literally told the counselor that she was right about everything. That's all inclusive. and she meant it. His response was ,"Might I suggest that's a big part of the problem?" She chose the counselor. I paid for it. And I would love to have continued. But you guys aren't getting the whole story. It's simple...Men want respect, Women want love and security. you violate that and you have problems. She is not "Martha Stewart". I'm a bit more knowledgeable on this matter than I'm given credit for. And Might I reiterate, it has NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX. She posted in the sex forum as a vindictive jab at me. And it worked for her beautifully. So rush to her aid all of you. I'm not the threat. I'll go elsewhere if I feel I need someone to talk to. I intend to fade into history as peacefully and amicably as is possible.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I watched the video. She is sitting in what looks like the living room. I think she has a laptop on the coffee table in front of her. 

It's 15 minutes of Mr. walking around and yelling at the top of his lungs. He's often out of view but yelling loud enough to still hear him. He's calling her names like *****, ****, {I know those words will be '*'d out, one of them starts with a w, the other with a c}. He's berating her. Telling her that she is stupid and not smart like him. She could never accomplish what he has. He calls her a gold digger and money grabber, says she is only interested in money. He says that she does nothing except cook. That she cannot get up at 5am like he does to work. That she does not respect all that he does. .... and a lot more.

There are times when she tries to explain herself. And times when she sort of eggs him on. But mostly she's just taking it.

She tells him to just leave. He says he's not leaving because it's his home. She did not pay for anything and is a stupid, useless person, yada yada. That she can just leave. Then he says that he's leaving and says he's starting to pack. It's not clear that he ever packs anything.

There are 2 or 3 times when he gets very close to her. From the angle I'm not sure I'd say that he was threatening. Well except for being yelled at like that feels threatening.

The video does not show any violence. It shows a man who is angry, frustrated and certainly expressing it very inappropriately.

She does not seem to be afraid of him except she stays in the chair she's in.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Please describe the situation as you see it. When you just respond to her posts its difficult to determine what is going on. 

You earlier said things started out good. What happened? Don't talk about what didn't happen, talk about what did. How did things get to where they are now?






Mr. Bigglesworth said:


> I'm not the controlling one, she is. This thread has reached a ridiculous state. I keep telling you she has and is misinforming you. And by all means, save that video. As if it matters. She knows I walk away with nothing willingly. I'll go live in a tent before I'll stand another minute of this hypocrisy. I have been nothing but humiliated since this started. I tried taking it on the chin in hopes that something helpful would turn up. Instead, she's got you all believing I beat her and abuse her constantly. I'm no angel that's for sure, but I pale in comparison to her. She's got you all fooled. She doesn't need protection from me. I'm willingly giving her everything. And providing support as well. Only a coward would rip the rug out from under someone like that. She does need protection from herself, though. Seriously...get off the abuse crap. She's so combative over the smallest of issues and has an overwhelming obsession with being right about everything. Even things that don't matter. We went to MC and she opened the conversation by telling the counselor (Wait...I thought I refused to go?) that she was always right about everything. She literally told the counselor that she was right about everything. That's all inclusive. and she meant it. His response was ,"Might I suggest that's a big part of the problem?" She chose the counselor. I paid for it. And I would love to have continued. But you guys aren't getting the whole story. It's simple...Men want respect, Women want love and security. you violate that and you have problems. She is not "Martha Stewart". I'm a bit more knowledgeable on this matter than I'm given credit for. And Might I reiterate, it has NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX. She posted in the sex forum as a vindictive jab at me. And it worked for her beautifully. So rush to her aid all of you. I'm not the threat. I'll go elsewhere if I feel I need someone to talk to. I intend to fade into history as peacefully and amicably as is possible.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr. Bigglesworth said:


> I'm not the controlling one, she is. This thread has reached a ridiculous state. I keep telling you she has and is misinforming you. And by all means, save that video. As if it matters. She knows I walk away with nothing willingly. I'll go live in a tent before I'll stand another minute of this hypocrisy. I have been nothing but humiliated since this started. I tried taking it on the chin in hopes that something helpful would turn up. Instead, she's got you all believing I beat her and abuse her constantly. I'm no angel that's for sure, but I pale in comparison to her. She's got you all fooled. She doesn't need protection from me. I'm willingly giving her everything. And providing support as well. Only a coward would rip the rug out from under someone like that.


Now its pretty silly for you to give her everything. Why would you do that? Why would you martyr yourself like that? The law says how things are split and if she will get any rehabilitative support. Stick by that.




Mr. Bigglesworth said:


> She does need protection from herself, though. Seriously...get off the abuse crap. She's so combative over the smallest of issues and has an overwhelming obsession with being right about everything. Even things that don't matter. We went to MC and she opened the conversation by telling the counselor (Wait...I thought I refused to go?) that she was always right about everything. She literally told the counselor that she was right about everything. That's all inclusive. and she meant it. His response was ,"Might I suggest that's a big part of the problem?" She chose the counselor. I paid for it. And I would love to have continued. But you guys aren't getting the whole story. It's simple...Men want respect, Women want love and security. you violate that and you have problems. She is not "Martha Stewart". I'm a bit more knowledgeable on this matter than I'm given credit for. And Might I reiterate, it has NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX. She posted in the sex forum as a vindictive jab at me. And it worked for her beautifully. So rush to her aid all of you. I'm not the threat. I'll go elsewhere if I feel I need someone to talk to. I intend to fade into history as peacefully and amicably as is possible.


The portion of the house I saw in the video looks very well taken care, clean, in order, etc. So clearly someone it taking care of it.

Well, we don't know what the truth is do we? Even that video is not enough to prove all that either of you are saying.

So.. like I said earlier, from what has been posted here by both of you, the two of you should run from each other. If we take both accounts as the truth, you both have issues.

Or get into some serious counseling if the two of you think you can work it out. 

But if there really is the violence that she says, she needs to stay away from you. If you get a year of counseling, then you two can talk about things.

And if she is as crazy as you say , she needs a year of counseling too.


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## Mr. Bigglesworth (Apr 22, 2017)

That video was cherry picked to say the least. And I can't believe she actually uploaded it. What a violation. There's nothing before or after. So you can't see where she's berating, mocking, and laughing at me. She does it intentionally. She's incredibly vindictive. How about you trying to have a conversation with someone that is always right, knows what you're thinking, and puts words in your mouth. She doesn't fear me. this is just a charade. and I swear...I can't handle much more.

Behind the scenes:
My shop was burglarized twice in a little over a year. Most recently was April 5th. I was left with one machine. That's it. All of my hand tools, consumables, oh AND my truck were stolen. My ability to produce has been cut to 25% of what it was. Business has been terribly slow before that and money is very tight. I'm behind on the mortgage, her car payment, utilities, and her daughter's car payment. I'm a ****ing wreck. And anytime I'm in crisis she does things like this. When my mother died she started a fight and left with the children to Chicago for two weeks. Afterward she apologized saying that was a ****ty thing to do. And it really was. The first time my shop was burglarized, I was pushed aside to deal with aftermath alone. She's kept me at a distance for 12 years. I have been very patient. Very Understanding. I'm the one that always finds the information she needs for everything, such as her HRT. She is in good health now because of my efforts. She wouldn't do anything about it. She'll say it was so I could have sex. and that just cheapens it to the point of being repulsive. Everything doesn't revolve around sex. We need and probably in this order; Respect, Affection, Intimacy, and sex. Wait...did I being a man just differentiate intimacy and sex?! Is that possible?!

Yes, If I am alone in the woods and nobody is around to hear me. If I speak, I will most definitely be wrong. Pffft!


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## Mr. Bigglesworth (Apr 22, 2017)

I'm not playing the martyr. It's the right thing to do in the situation. So many men just walk. And I think that's cowardly. I do love her madly. And will never allow harm to come to her if I can avoid it. And even though I''m so mad right now, I know I still have a responsibility to her. I don't want her to experience the fear and anxiety that comes when a man just leaves. That's horrible. It's going to be tough enough learning to live without each other. We have a unique bond. And she'll always be the love of my life. And I'll always have her back.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Mr. Bigglesworth said:


> That video was cherry picked to say the least. And I can't believe she actually uploaded it. What a violation. There's nothing before or after. So you can't see where she's berating, mocking, and laughing at me. She does it intentionally. She's incredibly vindictive. How about you trying to have a conversation with someone that is always right, knows what you're thinking, and puts words in your mouth. She doesn't fear me. this is just a charade. and I swear...I can't handle much more.
> 
> Behind the scenes:
> My shop was burglarized twice in a little over a year. Most recently was April 5th. I was left with one machine. That's it. All of my hand tools, consumables, oh AND my truck were stolen. My ability to produce has been cut to 25% of what it was. Business has been terribly slow before that and money is very tight. I'm behind on the mortgage, her car payment, utilities, and her daughter's car payment. I'm a ****ing wreck. And anytime I'm in crisis she does things like this. When my mother died she started a fight and left with the children to Chicago for two weeks. Afterward she apologized saying that was a ****ty thing to do. And it really was. The first time my shop was burglarized, I was pushed aside to deal with aftermath alone. She's kept me at a distance for 12 years. I have been very patient. Very Understanding. I'm the one that always finds the information she needs for everything, such as her HRT. She is in good health now because of my efforts. She wouldn't do anything about it. She'll say it was so I could have sex. and that just cheapens it to the point of being repulsive. Everything doesn't revolve around sex. We need and probably in this order; Respect, Affection, Intimacy, and sex. Wait...did I being a man just differentiate intimacy and sex?! Is that possible?!
> ...



it is very difficult for us to see where the truth is but as I said before I assume it is somewhere in the middle between both of your versions of your reality.

I can see you are frustrated as is she, there is a lot of resentment, pain and hurt underneath all the spitefull tooing and froing here. If your wife had a bad childhood, it could explain her reactions and behaviour towards you. I would suggest (as others have done) that you separate to sort out your feelings first. You both need counselling, there is no running from that. Annalea, you seem to have also contributed to this problem, there is no such thing as one partner always being right in a marriage, you need to also examine the role you played and not just blame all on your husband.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr. Bigglesworth said:


> I'm not playing the martyr. It's the right thing to do in the situation. So many men just walk. And I think that's cowardly. I do love her madly. And will never allow harm to come to her if I can avoid it. And even though I''m so mad right now, I know I still have a responsibility to her. I don't want her to experience the fear and anxiety that comes when a man just leaves. That's horrible. It's going to be tough enough learning to live without each other. We have a unique bond. And she'll always be the love of my life. And I'll always have her back.


No, giving her everything is not the right thing to do. You have to life too. You have children of your own that will need their father to be stable.

You can do what the law says 50% of assets and some support so she can finish her education.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Bigglesworth, you can love her madly and still be completely wrong for each other. 

It's clear that the truth lies between you both. We don't need to know it or acknowledge it, but you two do. 

Who cares if she gets support here. This is an Internet forum and some of us wait to form opinions. I think you both have challenges, things that can only be addressed individually, not while together. 

There's a fine line between love and hate. Maybe try to lean a bit more toward the love side while you work out an amicable divorce as is possible. That goes for both of you.


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## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

Annalea said:


> I was just informed that I better get used to walking and welcomed to his "scorched earth policy" so I guess I should cut my losses and be on my way...
> 
> Thanks for listening.


So you didn't mean you were going to take my car away and ruin my life?

The video was not cherry picked. I sent Ele the entire video. What's missing is the beginning and the end.
The beginning where I'm just sitting there and you start to yell at me, and the end when you say I can't wait till you're crying so I can laugh. She even states that there are times I egged you on.

The only violence that I mentioned was you throwing and breaking things, throwing things at me, when you pushed me down, and when you pushed my daughter, by her head, into the wall. 

You posted that you have had your anger issues under control for two years. That video was from October 2016.

I am not an angel. Far from it. This man can not have a civil argument. It is ALWAYS what is portrayed in that video. I had called him at work about a phone call I got about a late car payment. I had no idea we were behind on my car payment, so I was not happy when I talked to him. I asked him what the hell he was doing and told him he better get his **** together. He then hung up on me. The video picks up shortly after he gets home. He was hiding the fact that my car payment was late. To the point that they were coming to get it. Made me look like a fool on the phone, because I had no idea what this woman could possibly be going on about. I snapped at him and I deserve what was shown?

This post was started to get the point across to my husband that he can not treat me like that and expect any kind of intimacy or sex.He yells like that, all the time. I don't trust him because he hides everything from me. His son is the one who brought two other woman to my attention. And he has out right told me he's going to get a girlfriend if my sex drive didn't come back and fast. And yes, you said it on a regular basis.

I really don't know what else to add. I will be taking some really good information with me and I thank you all for sharing. I think typing it all out made me realize how bad it had gotten.


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## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

scorched earth pol·i·cy
skôrCHt ərTH ˈpäləsē/
noun
a military strategy of burning or destroying buildings, crops, or other resources that might be of use to an invading enemy force.

I had to look it up...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Neither of you need to convince any of us of the seriousness of the offences you both committed against each other.

The level of damage and hurt you have caused each other is palpable in both of your posts. Your marriage scenario will continue to go around and around in circles. You have to seek help individually for now. There is little point in mudslinging right now.

In fact my H and I have been where you are (different circumstances but the resentment, fighting, the trying to prove who did the worst thing etc. I like you Annalea chose only to see what he did, his anger, his neglect, his drinking, etc. I forgot about things I had said and done in the past that caused deep hurt to him till he opened up about it, we are not out of the woods yet though its much better as we got to a place of understanding). 

Calling your H and shouting at him is a total lack of respect, what do you expect his reaction to be? You are not blameless. You say he cannot have a civil argument, but calling someone up and chewing them out is hardly civil either.
I do not condone partners hiding financial matters from each other but could it be that your H is struggling financially and is too worried about telling you? Do you always think the worst of him?

When you first married him, did you always think the best of him?
What do you mean by two women, has your H cheated, do you have evidence? If you do that changes everything I guess.
Our MC advised us to be separate and not discuss anything in the marriage until we calmed down for a few weeks then come together with her to talk. It was tough, but it helped. You both should do this.

Otherwise what are you both waiting for, one of you should just file, what exactly is keeping you both hanging on?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Mr. Bigglesworth said:


> She knows I walk away with nothing willingly. I'll go live in a tent before I'll stand another minute of this hypocrisy


Did you or did you not text her that you will be instituting scorched earth policy?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

As @EleGirl has previously indicated, it really doesn't matter who is telling the truth here. If either one of them is telling the truth, the marriage needs to end. If both are lying, the marriage needs to end. If both are telling the truth.......the marriage needs to end.


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## Mr. Bigglesworth (Apr 22, 2017)

I agree. My thanks to all of you for your feed back. I really appreciate it.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I would not venture into the area of saying a behavior is somehow acceptable simply because someone may say there was a provocation.

Sure, she should not have berated him over the phone. True. But in my world nothing could justify the scenario Elegirl described. Perhaps other people are used to living with that sort of abuse in their relationships. Maybe Since I never see anyone act that way I have no idea it's acceptable to so many people.

Everyone should always treat their spouses with respect. I read what was described and can't help but think it's emotional abuse. I don't care what provocative issues may have preceded it. He wouldn't have gone off on her if she just hadn't done what she did? She brought it on herself? That sounds all too familiar.

There is no justification for emotional abuse, or a tirade against ones spouse. Even if you say you understand why he can't control himself, it's still not right.

If two people can't speak civilly with each other they should just not speak. Neither one can claim they are justified. 

The idea of speaking with each other only in the company of a third party who has some potential power is reasonable.

But I just can't understand anyone thinking it's okay to act like that if someone "made them do it".


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## Mr. Bigglesworth (Apr 22, 2017)

I don't even attempt to justify that behavior. I don't have the mindset that she brought it on herself. I don't think like that. Anything like that is unacceptable behavior even by my own standards. I approach each confrontation determined to avoid reacting at all. And it's not easy when you're constantly mocked, berated, and taunted. That makes it a real struggle to have any kind of constructive conversation. I wish I could just take it without any emotion. But I can't. It would be a challenge for anyone here. Again, I'm not even attempting to blame her for my bad behavior. I could just walk away. But, then that's a bad thing to do as well. Hmmm...what to do?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Mr. Bigglesworth said:


> I don't even attempt to justify that behavior. I don't have the mindset that she brought it on herself. I don't think like that. Anything like that is unacceptable behavior even by my own standards. I approach each confrontation determined to avoid reacting at all. And it's not easy when you're constantly mocked, berated, and taunted. That makes it a real struggle to have any kind of constructive conversation. I wish I could just take it without any emotion. But I can't. It would be a challenge for anyone here. Again, I'm not even attempting to blame her for my bad behavior. I could just walk away. But, then that's a bad thing to do as well. Hmmm...what to do?


First and foremost you need to get into anger management ASAP. Regardless if you stay together or not.



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## Mr. Bigglesworth (Apr 22, 2017)

Good advice. I intend to do that.


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## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

Fozzy said:


> Did you or did you not text her that you will be instituting scorched earth policy?



Why has this gone unanswered I wonder? 

My guess is because it will show what he says here and what he actually says are two different things.

I told you all, his words are sweet. He is the master of diversion, before I even realize it we are fighting about a completely different subject and the original question was never answered.

They day he disappeared on the beach, it went from "you expect me to believe, you were on the beach all day, alone, in the rain, without your cell phone"? To I can't believe you went through my private property! You violated me! How dare you! That's it, I can't take it anymore and refused to talk to me. (My son and I were trying to have his cell phone tracked, because I though something horrible had happened to him). So now, I was the the one who had done something wrong. 

It's all smoke and mirrors


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## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

Annalea said:


> We did 2 sessions Mary, he refuses.



You do refuse! We went two times and you said he was a quack and a waste of money. (our insurance covered it 100% at the time).

He will not be going to anger management either. He says he will, but he won't. That has been the condition for him to return to the home so many time it's ridiculous.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Rather than act that way, it is much better to walk away.

You two really should have divorced long ago. 

But stay away.

When I facilitated my sister in law's divorce every conversation her ex had with her while I was present was calm and civil. Every conversation they had while the lawyers were present was calm and civil. But when they tried to meet alone, all hell broke loose. She recorded one. Sure, we only heard the part my wife's sister wanted us to hear, but they only met for a few hours, so I don't see how it could get so bad so fast, but whatever.

Just walk away. Anger management classes would teach you how to not respond to provocation. It is never right to say, "She made me do it!" Your behavior is your choice. It is never someone else's, unless you give them that power.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't see any reason you two should stay married. 

If you are in a jurisdiction with no-fault divorce, I strongly recommend that you get a divorce and not worry about who is at fault.


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## neuklas (Jun 13, 2013)

This board and its members are pretty good deciphering many complex issues regarding relationships and providing sage advice to the poster or posters involved. 

I'd suggest, however, that one thing the board is not good at is mediating the equivalent of a dispute about whether the earth is flat or round - that's how far apart these posters are in their perceptions. And having read the whole thing now, I am now beginning to think this board is being used in an unhealthy way by these posters who desire mostly to argue about the past and co-dependently snipe at each other. The only other plausible explanation is that we are all being trolled with a salacious story backed up by a staged video. 

With all that said, the best advice has already been given. If either story is even remotely close to the truth, it's way past time to pop smoke and leave.


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## Annalea (Apr 21, 2017)

neuklas said:


> This board and its members are pretty good deciphering many complex issues regarding relationships and providing sage advice to the poster or posters involved.
> 
> I'd suggest, however, that one thing the board is not good at is mediating the equivalent of a dispute about whether the earth is flat or round - that's how far apart these posters are in their perceptions. And having read the whole thing now, I am now beginning to think this board is being used in an unhealthy way by these posters who desire mostly to argue about the past and co-dependently snipe at each other. The only other plausible explanation is that we are all being trolled with a salacious story backed up by a staged video.
> 
> With all that said, the best advice has already been given. If either story is even remotely close to the truth, it's way past time to pop smoke and leave.


Insulting, but okay.

My husband told me to come here, because he he wanted people to tell me how wrong I was. I agreed, because I thought once he saw other peoples views, it would make him look at himself.

What good would it have done for me to lie and them tell him to look at it? 

If others feel this was as well, please allow me to apologize. More was brought into this, than was intended. This is at the very least, embarrassing to say, this is how we have lived for years. 

I should have never let my husband read the post. I didn't expect people to see me as blameless. I thought I would be asked things like "what's your part in all this"? "You can't possibly be free of any wrong doing". etc. I am the queen of sarcasm, almost my first language really. I don't even realize I'm doing it most of the time. That's one of my biggest problems. It never got to that though, because once he started posting, I went into defense mode.

Members have given great advice, along with a list of books I will be reading. The co-dependency is something I have already started reading, and that's hitting the nail on the head. I'm sorry this turned in to a circus, that truly was not my intent.:frown2:


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Well, coming here for advice is one thing. Anyone is free and should feel welcome to do that, provided they keep an open mind about the advice dispensed and acknowledge whether it's useful or not. 

But coming here and having a virtual argument / he said/she said is going to make some posters wonder if either of you are here just to garner sympathy and "win" or if you actually want to work on the problems, which requires humility and the ability to listen without jumping to the defensive. 

Everyone likes to and needs to vent on occasion, but nothing will change without action, and none of us can help either of you in that regard, perhaps only give suggestions as to what we do and/or have done in our own lives.

Honestly you two remind me of the disagreements I had with my first husband. We argued so much and accused each other of things that actually we WERE individually guilty of. It took a divorce and a heck of a lot of introspection to admit where I had acted wrongly, in as much as I felt wronged. None of us are perfect and sometimes relationships are meant to be non permanent, transitory.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr. Bigglesworth said:


> I don't even attempt to justify that behavior. I don't have the mindset that she brought it on herself. I don't think like that. Anything like that is unacceptable behavior even by my own standards. I approach each confrontation determined to avoid reacting at all. And it's not easy when you're constantly mocked, berated, and taunted. That makes it a real struggle to have any kind of constructive conversation. I wish I could just take it without any emotion. But I can't. It would be a challenge for anyone here. Again, I'm not even attempting to blame her for my bad behavior. I could just walk away. But, then that's a bad thing to do as well. Hmmm...what to do?


Each and every person needs to take responsibility for their own behavior. You are 100% responsible for your behavior. Because of this I’m only talking to you in this post. Your wife might be the evil wife from hell, but I’m not addressing her issues here because they do not matter when it comes to your behavior.

She cannot make you do anything. She could stand there and call you every name in the book and any other nonsense. Now if she does that, she is wrong and that’s her responsibility. But it is still wrong for you to respond with a what I saw on that video.

Humans have free will. Sure, you might have an emotional reaction to something. But within a second or so you have the ability to take control and behave in a much more appropriate manner. You could have gone off to another room and dealt with your own anger in private. That’s what most people do. Then they deal with issues once they have calmed down. Or you could file for divorce if you don’t’ what to put up with what you describe as her abuse of you.

But she cannot make you respond to her the way you did in that video. You CHOSE to verbally assault her at the top of your lungs for 15 minutes. You own that. What I saw in the video is completely unacceptable behavior. It’s not physical violence. But it is emotional violence.

How is that working for you? Do you feel better or worse after one of those outbursts? If you feel better, it’s because the outbursts give you an emotional high caused by the brain releasing endorphins and dopamine while you are agitated. Some abusive people do the abuse for this very reason. It’s like taking drugs. They are clam after the angry rant and feel good. Now they have devastated everyone else, but to them, it’s worth it because they feel good and feel like they took control… you know like an ape beating their chest to let everyone else know that they are the big bad ape. Power trip there.

You could get the same good, clamming effects by going for a jog. And you would not be destroying your family.

Please get into anger management counseling. The day that you can respond appropriately to anything that she or anyone else throws at you will be the day that you are set free.

I’m sure that you have plenty of good qualities. But that kind of behavior overrides all those good qualities. For your own good you need to get into anger management counseling. It’s easy to be a bully behind closed doors. That’s mostly where abusers get the courage to be bullies--behind closed doors.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr. Bigglesworth said:


> I don't even attempt to justify that behavior. I don't have the mindset that she brought it on herself. I don't think like that. Anything like that is unacceptable behavior even by my own standards. I approach each confrontation determined to avoid reacting at all. And it's not easy when you're constantly mocked, berated, and taunted. That makes it a real struggle to have any kind of constructive conversation. I wish I could just take it without any emotion. But I can't. It would be a challenge for anyone here. Again, I'm not even attempting to blame her for my bad behavior. I could just walk away. But, then that's a bad thing to do as well. Hmmm...what to do?


Walking away when things are about to escalate is exactly the right thing to do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

neuklas said:


> This board and its members are pretty good deciphering many complex issues regarding relationships and providing sage advice to the poster or posters involved.
> 
> I'd suggest, however, that one thing the board is not good at is mediating the equivalent of a dispute about whether the earth is flat or round - that's how far apart these posters are in their perceptions. And having read the whole thing now, I am now beginning to think this board is being used in an unhealthy way by these posters who desire mostly to argue about the past and co-dependently snipe at each other. The only other plausible explanation is that we are all being trolled with a salacious story backed up by a staged video.
> 
> With all that said, the best advice has already been given. If either story is even remotely close to the truth, it's way past time to pop smoke and leave.


This thread show why we need to be careful about just taking one persons side of the story. For that reason I often advise OP's to get their spouse into marriage counseling with them. At least a marriage counselor can talk to them in person and figure out what is going on.

We have had other couples come here, usually one showing up after the other and the story always changes when the second spouses shows up. This is probably the most consistent of those threads that I have seen.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" surely apply here.

A couple needs to read Love Busters first because they both need to stop the love busting before any work can be done to fix the marriage and meet each other's needs.

For example. Mr. B need to stop the angry outbursts. He needs to just walk away when he gets the urge to go on an angry rant.

Also Mr. B has to not hide things like the financial problem from his wife. That is just wrong too.

Annalea needs to stop the sarcasm. It's not funny. It's hurtful and mean.

{I am sure that the list is longer than this.}

Those are just two things I picked up on in this thread.

Nothing in the marriage can be fixed until those things stop.

What is sad is that this marriage could be fixed if both of you would just do the work. But I don't see the willingness.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

I'm with EleGirl...I think this marriage is beyond repair. Neither of you are in a space to mend things, clearly.

Even if Mr. B didn't hit annalea, the things he said/threatened to do were unforgivable and terribly abusive. There is a point of no return with that sort of language between couples. 

I wish you both the best, but I'm with the others who don't want to be subjected to continual virtual brawling with no action being taken on either side to wholeheartedly attempt to repair the marriage. 

Sometimes, it's best to just call it a day and part.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I will come back and read all this and give a considered response. But on first blush you both have issues. At mid 50s I enjoy daily sex. OTOH my w had terrible births and surgery and vaginal issues and I refrained from PIV for years except occasional sex. But I built resentment in that period and didn't understand it myself

Very complicated 


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## Mr. Bigglesworth (Apr 22, 2017)

thanks for the advice Elegirl.


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