# I've filed for a divorce I don't really want



## RGG1957 (Mar 26, 2014)

On the advice of my lawyer I recently filed for divorce from my wife of 6 years, although I told the lawyer I do not want her officially served yet. I don't know if she knows about the filing yet. 

We have been together 9 years and married 6 of those years. We've had an up and down marriage all along mostly centered around kids. She has two girls at home and I have two grown children and 6 grandkids. While I have always gotten along great with her youngest girl, the older one and I never have. I feel this was mostly due to my wife's ex keeping her stirred up. He would tell her things like "your mother and I were getting back together until he came along". Or "you don't have to listen to him, he's not your father". So she was always rude to me in my own home, that me and her mother bought together.

My daughter never liked my wife and always made rude comments about her although they've only had one face to face confrontation which was a verbal cuss fight, not physical. My wife always accused me of not defending her enough against my family and she is right, I should have done more early on.

About 4 years ago I told my daughter, son and mother that if my wife was not welcome into their homes then neither was I and I would not be attending any family gatherings or functions. So she has been fully invited to all family events. However since this time my wife has refused to attend any family gatherings on my side, although I accompany her to all her family events, saying she's not going anywhere she's not really wanted. So I end up declining or going alone.

This is just the lead up to our current problem. Since she doesn't attend any of my family functions she says none of my family is welcome to our house especially my kids and grandkids. This is something I cannot live with. While I'm not big on babysitting I do want to have my family over for backyard barbeques or go pick up one or two of the grandkids to come spend the day with PaPa. I tried to bring my 16 year old granddaughter over one day when I thought my wife would be away all day, but when we arrived she was still there. She stood in the front yard yelling at me "Get her the Hell outta here! She's not welcome here! You don't care about my feelings!" My granddaughter started to cry so we left.

My wife moved into her daughter's bedroom and did not sleep or talk to me for the next three weeks. When I did tell her this was my house too and if I want to bring my granddaughter over I can. She told me "Why don't you go f___ your granddaughter and you can go f____ your daughter too. This was the most vile thing I've ever heard. I found an apartment the next day and moved out a couple of days later.

We have not seen or spoken to each other in about six weeks now. Although I know she can be mean towards my family I think perhaps I should have done things differently early on. But honestly she and my daughter have not communicated in any form for almost 3 years. I would think a normal individual would let go of their anger and hatred. 

I do miss her as we've had good times as well. Mostly when we travel or are out with friends. Our bad times seem to be behind the closed doors of our own home. We've been to marriage counselling before, but she has never been able to let go of her hatred for my family after the way they treated her early on.

Should I just let the divorce go through or try to come to some agreement with her. I still insist that my family be allowed to come to our house. I know my kids are grown, but I still want to be in their lives and the lives of my grandkids as well.
Thanks


----------



## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Sorry to hear but if you mean do things differently as in let her talk to you that way and tell you your kid /grand kids can't come to your house. Then tell you to have sex with them. 

If you gave in she would have you by your balls!!


And worse, you moved out of your house??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

RGG1957 said:


> My wife moved into her daughter's bedroom and did not sleep or talk to me for the next three weeks. When I did tell her this was my house too and if I want to bring my granddaughter over I can. She told me "Why don't you go f___ your granddaughter and you can go f____ your daughter too. This was the most vile thing I've ever heard. I found an apartment the next day and moved out a couple of days later.
> 
> 
> Thanks


That is seriously screwed up. Apparently it is her true character, though. There is no reason for anyone to say anything that horrible and if I heard that I would write that person off immediately. 

Send her packing. She has no respect for you or your family.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

VermisciousKnid said:


> That is seriously screwed up. Apparently it is her true character, though. There is no reason for anyone to say anything that horrible and if I heard that I would write that person off immediately.
> 
> Send her packing. She has no respect for you or your family.


No one deserves that kind of abuse. File!!
Selfish biotch.


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

tom67 said:


> No one deserves that kind of abuse. File!!
> Selfish biotch.


Seriously. This isn't a case of her saying something that she should have just left as a thought. The fact that she had the thought at all is alarming. People like that are capable of great abuse and cruelty.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

RGG1957 said:


> This is just the lead up to our current problem. Since she doesn't attend any of my family functions she says none of my family is welcome to our house especially my kids and grandkids. This is something I cannot live with. While I'm not big on babysitting I do want to have my family over for backyard barbeques or go pick up one or two of the grandkids to come spend the day with PaPa. I tried to bring my 16 year old granddaughter over one day when I thought my wife would be away all day, but when we arrived she was still there. She stood in the front yard yelling at me "Get her the Hell outta here! She's not welcome here! You don't care about my feelings!" My granddaughter started to cry so we left.
> 
> My wife moved into her daughter's bedroom and did not sleep or talk to me for the next three weeks. When I did tell her this was my house too and if I want to bring my granddaughter over I can. She told me "Why don't you go f___ your granddaughter and you can go f____ your daughter too. This was the most vile thing I've ever heard. I found an apartment the next day and moved out a couple of days later.
> We have not seen or spoken to each other in about six weeks now. Although I know she can be mean towards my family I think perhaps I should have done things differently early on. But honestly she and my daughter have not communicated in any form for almost 3 years. I would think a normal individual would let go of their anger and hatred.
> ...


Completely unacceptable. Even if you did come to some agreement, your kids and grandkids would KNOW that they are not welcome. Go forward with the divorce.


----------



## howdidthishappentome? (Mar 25, 2014)

She's forcing you to choose because she feels rejected and inferior. Given the level of her hostility and anger, she's probably felt demeaned and rejected by people very important to her for a very long time.

Your actions may not have been perfect, but it was both brave and supportive of you to insist that your family open its arms to her. This gesture should have been the beginning of change, but it seems to have been completely irrelevant to her. 

To me, this implies that she is not getting better or trying to, she's standing her ground, "them or me", in a very narcissistic and selfish way.

My crystal ball predicts that if you stay, you will have a life long struggle in which this woman insists you give up the joy of family, of being a grandfather, of watching your children grow and maintaining caring relationships with them, in order to reassure her that she is truly worthy. ... is she?


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So your wife did say some sh!tty things, but if it had been made clear to me that my hb's family, including his grown daughter, didn't want me around and it took threats from him to solicit an invite I probably wouldn't show up either. I'd like to think I wouldn't take it out on your granddaughter, but to the extent your grown daughter has been nasty to her you should've dealt with that. 

Let's see, she has two girls at home and you have grandchildren; I'm thinking there's an age difference here? Your family thinks she's a young golddigger? So since everyone else here has called your wife names let's take a minute to look at things from her perspective:
Your family treated her poorly, made it clear she wasn't welcome, and it took you several years to back her up. Now you don't understand why she doesn't want to be there.
Your grown daughter treated her poorly, and you didn't back her up at least to the extent of dealing with the disrespect.
Now she has to tolerate someone that's been openly hostile to her in her own home.
So yeah, I get why she's unhappy. Has she handled this well? NO!
But in the future I'd recommend you not sit back and allow your family to treat whatever woman you bring into your life poorly, or you'll have the same problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

There is a HUGE gap in your story. You've told us all the wrong and blame from your side of the equation. 

Why did your Mother, Son and Daughter "hate" her so much? What was the argument that caused them to ban her from their lives? There are deeper issues here that you haven't discussed.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I wouldn't think twice about telling my lawyer to serve her.

Be done with it


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> There is a HUGE gap in your story. You've told us all the wrong and blame from your side of the equation.
> 
> Why did your Mother, Son and Daughter "hate" her so much? What was the argument that caused them to ban her from their lives? There are deeper issues here that you haven't discussed.


I did wonder this as well. I would not marry a person who my family felt this way about, especially since there was discord on BOTH sides. Because usually family sees things that you dont when it comes to your partner.


----------



## RGG1957 (Mar 26, 2014)

Thanks I've learned a lot from this experience. Things not to do next time. I just don't think next time will be with her.


----------



## RGG1957 (Mar 26, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> I did wonder this as well. I would not marry a person who my family felt this way about, especially since there was discord on BOTH sides. Because usually family sees things that you dont when it comes to your partner.


I believe my family saw that she had a quick and terrible temper. Sometimes when I would be talking to my kids or mom on the phone they could hear her screaming at me in the background. I've had to have my sone come help me stand my heavy motorcycle back up after she pushed it over. I've also had to spend the night at my kids house several times when I wanted to get away from her screaming and cussing at me. 

I was married to my previous wife 28 years and we never hit each other and did very little shouting at each other. I finally left because she became a terrible alcoholic the last 8 years of our marriage and no matter how many times she went into rehab or how many AA meetings she would go to ( I attended all AA meetings with her at her insistance) she would not stop drinking. 

But I think mainly my 2nd wife's temper was the main reason my kids did not like her. Writting all this out I wonder why do I miss and long for her so much.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

RGG1957 said:


> I believe my family saw that she had a quick and terrible temper. Sometimes when I would be talking to my kids or mom on the phone they could hear her screaming at me in the background. I've had to have my sone come help me stand my heavy motorcycle back up after she pushed it over. I've also had to spend the night at my kids house several times when I wanted to get away from her screaming and cussing at me.
> But I think mainly my 2nd wife's temper was the main reason my kids did not like her. Writting all this out I wonder why do I miss and long for her so much.


Ah. Yeah, thats not good. Hindsight is 20/20, isnt it? We dont like to see someone we love being mistreated.


----------



## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> So your wife did say some sh!tty things, but if it had been made clear to me that my hb's family, including his grown daughter, didn't want me around and it took threats from him to solicit an invite I probably wouldn't show up either. I'd like to think I wouldn't take it out on your granddaughter, but to the extent your grown daughter has been nasty to her you should've dealt with that.
> 
> Let's see, she has two girls at home and you have grandchildren; I'm thinking there's an age difference here? Your family thinks she's a young golddigger? So since everyone else here has called your wife names let's take a minute to look at things from her perspective:
> Your family treated her poorly, made it clear she wasn't welcome, and it took you several years to back her up. Now you don't understand why she doesn't want to be there.
> ...


I'm sorry, am I missing something? Have you seen how his wife's daughter disrespects him?

There's disrespect on both sides obviously, but only one person seems to have made any effort to resolve things.

I have no idea how the OP doesn't "really want" this divorce.


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

RGG, ever heard of Borderline Personality Disorder?


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

caladan said:


> I'm sorry, am I missing something? Have you seen how his wife's daughter disrespects him?
> 
> There's disrespect on both sides obviously, but only one person seems to have made any effort to resolve things.
> 
> I have no idea how the OP doesn't "really want" this divorce.


He didn't fill out the story. So, people are going to provide their own dislikes and problems in the gaps. So, she knocks things over, screams at him while he is on the phone and he has actually left the house on occasion. 

Sorry, they had every right to bar her from family functions. He still hasn't explained the fight between his wife and daughter.


----------



## Bliss200 (Nov 21, 2013)

I've read your posts. I think that if you have doubt you should call your wife and ask to meet her at a public place. You should tell her that you have filed for divorce as you feel that you can not live without your family in your life. Tell her that you love her and miss her. If you feel that you want to give it another chance. Offer her to go to marriage counselor and work on your marriage. But keep your apartment and live apart until you see that an actual change has been made. What do you have to loose?

Even if you divorce, try to do it in a good manner.

Good luck.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

The most interesting thing I saw was this:



RGG1957 said:


> ...we've had good times as well. Mostly when we travel or are out with friends. Our bad times seem to be behind the closed doors of our own home.


So basically, as long as you're spending money and have other people around as a buffer you two get along. That would seem to imply that you don't really like each other (or she doesn't like YOU)!


How much older than her are you?
Does she make any financial contribution to the marriage?
Does your family consider her a gold-digger?

The story just comes off as an older man marrying a much younger/hotter woman who really LOVES his money and the perks of his lifestyle...just doesn't really like/love/respect HIM so much.

Maybe I'm reading your marriage all wrong; answers to these questions would help fill in some gaps.

When you divorce her (and it so far sounds likely/reasonable), PLEASE get into Individualized Counseling BEFORE you get into another serious relationship. Life is short!


----------



## RGG1957 (Mar 26, 2014)

There is 14 years between our ages. Currently she is 43 and I'm 57. She has one daughter in college and one in middle school. We have always financially contributed equally to this marriage. There are no complaints about this. Mainly it's her temper. When she gets mad she brings it all with yelling, cussing, pushing, etc. I believe my family mainly sees her as a mean person.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It sounds to me like the two of you just don't belong together. Move on and get your ducks in a row before you marry again.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

RGG1957 said:


> She had a quick and terrible temper. Sometimes when I would be talking to my kids or mom on the phone they could hear her screaming at me in the background.


RGG, I agree with *Machiavelli* that the behaviors you describe -- temper tantrums, verbal abuse, vindictiveness, always being "The Victim," and black-white thinking -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Black-white thinking occurs when a person categorizes everyone as "all good" ("with me") or "all bad" ("against me"). This is done because the person is extremely uncomfortable with ambiguities, strong mixed feelings, uncertainties, and the other grey areas of interpersonal relationships. 

The result is that the person will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just a few seconds -- based solely on a minor infraction or comment (real or imagined). I mention this B-W thinking because your W's decision to cut all of your family members out of her life -- including even your young grand daughter -- may be a result of this type of thinking. If so, it also would be evident in your W's frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...."

Of course, only a professional can determine whether her BPD traits are so severe as to meet 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD. Yet, even when these traits fall well short of that diagnostic level, they can be sufficiently strong to undermine your marriage and make your life miserable. Not having met her, I cannot tell you whether you're seeing strong warning signs. However, spotting the warning signs -- in a woman you've been living with for 9 years -- is not difficult. There is nothing subtle about verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and being shoved around the room.

I therefore suggest you read more about BPD red flags so you know what to look for. An easy place to start is my list of BPD red flags at 18 Warning Signs. If most of those sound very familiar, you will find a more detailed description of them at my post in Maybe's Thread. If that description rings some bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. I also would suggest, if you are still reluctant to divorce your W, that you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you and the children are dealing with. Take care, RGG.


----------



## RGG1957 (Mar 26, 2014)

Thank you for this insight Uptown. I never really thought of her having any disorder other than a bad temper and a short fuse. Perhaps you're right. I will definitely read the links you suggested.


----------



## CaitieB (Apr 14, 2014)

Obviously she was wrong for her disgusting outburst. 

I have to say though...your "daughter" is not a child. She is an adult. She ABSOLUTELY owes your wife the same respect that she would want. Do not infantilize your adult children and make it seem like your wife has to do all the work. Everyone is an adult here and let me tell you...I have 3 stepkids. If any of them disrespected me once they were adults, they would NOT be welcomed in my home either.

They would be treated like any other adult...You have to give respect to get it.

Taking it out on the grandkids is wrong. You allowing your family to be disrespectful and dismissive towards your wife is wrong. 

There's a lot of "wrong" to go around...


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

CaitieB said:


> If any of them disrespected me once they were adults, they would NOT be welcomed in my home either.


T/J: Really? You'd kick your kids out for being disrespectful? Instead of discussing what brought it on and finding a common point in the middle for why they felt that way? As adults do?


----------



## CaitieB (Apr 14, 2014)

turnera said:


> T/J: Really? You'd kick your kids out for being disrespectful? Instead of discussing what brought it on and finding a common point in the middle for why they felt that way? As adults do?


Sorry, I'm new, what does T/J mean??

His children aren't KIDS. They are adults!

If my sibling/neighbor/cousin/friend/any fully grown adult was rude, disrespectful, swearing at me, etc in MY house, yes! I would make them leave and they would not be allowed to return to MY home if they were not apologetic!


----------



## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

The level of selfishness that your wife has displayed is off the charts. No way can a marriage work with someone like this, in my opinion.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It means I'm threadjacking and addressing you instead of the OP (original poster). You didn't talk about talking to them about it, just kicking them out (or not welcoming them back in, which I assume means first kicking them out). Just seems like a more adult approach would be to first ask why they felt entitled to do such a thing in the first place, rather than just reacting... (ps: not attacking you, just trying to understand)

fwiw, I agree that a disrespectful person shouldn't be allowed in your house.


----------



## ChessMa (Apr 15, 2014)

"_I did wonder this as well. I would not marry a person who my family felt this way about, especially since there was discord on BOTH sides. Because usually family sees things that you dont when it comes to your partner._"

That is not true, so I hope you won't believe such a thing where it concerns your wife.

Listen to what CaitieB said. After reading her reply to you, I actually registered on this forum because finally somebody made some kind of sense.

You are not able to answer people's questions as to why your family doesn't like your wife or why she and your daughter got into an argument. If you could answer, you would have, so please stop trying to speculate because you don't seem to know anybody's side. As a result of knowing nothing and never giving a darn, you are blaming your wife for the whole thing based on speculation. You have no idea if it was her temper or not. You don't know if it was because of them that she became angry and developed a temper. She naturally resented you for not protecting her from them, and resentment is a hard thing to overcome. You never, never, ever, ever tried to understand your wife, protect her from them, or get to the bottom of the problems she and your family were having, thereby showing her that she meant nothing to you, that she was not worth standing up to your family for. You should have tried to find out when it all began happening, but you didn't. Now, you just tell everybody here that you "think" they dislike her because of her temper. You're still being the same husband to her you have always been - not much of a husband at all.

I frequent a step family forum, so I know that except for CaitieB's reply, the responses you received were way off base. Nearly all of us stepmothers on that forum has your wife's exact same problem and complaints. You confessed in this thread you didn't speak up early on your wife's behalf. Would you like to also confess how you pressured your wife to make her feel it was all her fault? How you made her feel the responsibility to get along with them was all on her shoulders? And how often you made sorry excuses for your daughter's and other family members' behavior? It's okay to admit how you made the whole situation even worse than it already was by dismissing your wife's concerns because nearly every stepmom complains that is what her husband does. So, you see, you will be admitting to something very common. It is not okay, but it sure as heck is normal because it always happens - the husband does absolutely nothing but blame his wife.

"Forsaking all others" was a phrase in your marriage vows. But to you, that meant "all others except my children, my ex wife, and my mother and siblings who are still friends with my ex." That's the way it goes....and then stepmom gets blamed for everything. IT...IS...AWFUL! Your wife was not only disrespected by those people, but she was disrespected by you too. That is what she cannot get over. And no, she will never get over how those people treated her. Why? Because not one of them has apologized. Nor have you. So, why would she want any of them in her home? She has enjoyed a peaceful existence since the time she banned them from her house - none of the drama, stress, and blame that she had to endure before with no help from you. To allow any of them back into her life would be inviting trouble all over again.....and again with no help from you.

Yes, you should be able to bring your family to your home, but you gave up that right a long time ago by not protecting her from them. If you want to invite your daughter and grandchildren over, then stay where you are. If you really don't want a divorce as you say, then go and apologize to your wife. You will simply have to visit your daughter and children in their home and not yours. Ask your wife to attend marriage counseling with you again. But this time, make sure you see a counselor who specializes in step families. Nobody else can help. No one else understands.

And, by the way, I truly admire your wife for banning them and standing up for herself since you wouldn't. It is sickening to read how often balless stepmoms put up with their balless husbands who allow the ex wives and children to completely run over her and interfere with her life and home on a daily basis. At least your wife did something. Good for her.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ChessMa said:


> Listen to what CaitieB said. After reading her reply to you, I actually registered on this forum because finally somebody made some kind of sense.
> 
> You are not able to answer people's questions as to why your family doesn't like your wife or why she and your daughter got into an argument. If you could answer, you would have, so please stop trying to speculate because you don't seem to know anybody's side. As a result of knowing nothing and never giving a darn, you are blaming your wife for the whole thing based on speculation. You have no idea if it was her temper or not. You don't know if it was because of them that she became angry and developed a temper.
> 
> At least your wife did something. Good for her.


Yeah, she did this:


> My wife moved into her daughter's bedroom and did not sleep or talk to me for the next three weeks. When I did tell her this was my house too and if I want to bring my granddaughter over I can. *She told me "Why don't you go f___ your granddaughter and you can go f____ your daughter too*. This was the most vile thing I've ever heard. I found an apartment the next day and moved out a couple of days later.


Classy lady. A keeper.


----------



## ChessMa (Apr 15, 2014)

So what. I don't get why you and the others made so much of her statement. You let do whatever he wanted and treat his wife like crap PLUS allow his kids and everybody to treat her like crap, but you go hog wild over a few vulgar words as if no one has ever said them before.

Okay, since I have to explain such a thing: A relationship for a woman is intimate. Her marriage is intimate. Sex with her partner is the most intimate thing two people can do obviously. Everyone knows all that stuff but no one seems to realize is giving herself to him means much more than the act itself. It means she is trusting him with not only her body but also her life. It means she places all her trust and hopes in the man she loves and NOBODY comes before her man. For her husband to betray her and to show her she means nothing to him, then she is wounded. For him to betray her for the sake of other people, then he shows her they mean more to him than she does. He breaches that trust and hope she had placed in him. So, since they mean so much more, then why does he need her? He loves them more. They mean more to him. He gets everything he needs from them....except for sex. Then he can go get that from them too because that intimacy reserved just for the two of them no longer means much of anything anymore. He's not screwing them, so why do they mean so much more to him than she does? That is how she feels. Either she is his woman and he is the man she needs him to be, or he might as well go screw all those people who mean so much more than her.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow, you are bitter! Hey, I have been the crapped on stepmom too. 
But honestly, we didnt get a lot of history from the OP's posts about what has gone on between everyone. Maybe she was horrible enough that he could not in good faith defend her actions. Maybe he is just an incredible wuss and cannot stand up to anyone. Hard to say, based on the very limited information we have been given here. So it isnt really fair to be attacking others who have offered their opinion trying to help.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RGG1957 said:


> But I think mainly my 2nd wife's temper was the main reason my kids did not like her. Writting all this out I wonder why do I miss and long for her so much.


So your current wife has mean and angry in front of your family long before there was any problem with them?

Why do you long for her?

You have some good times with her. You remember the good times.

I also think that you are most likely an enabler. Your first wife was an alcoholic. Most spouses of alcoholics are enablers (or co-dependent). You are demonstrating the same sort of behavior with this 2nd wife. She's yelling, hollering, pushing over your motorcycle, verbally attacking your family members and all the while you are trying to figure out what you can do to make her stop acting like this. After all if you can just figure out the right way for you behave she will be a happy, loving wife all the time.. right? Never gonna happen.

Get the book "Codependent No More" . You need to figure this out before you put yourself through this again.

Oh.. and have her served with the divorce papers. You and your family do not need this nonsense. 

I question about if your lawyer has actually filed for divorce. There is a window of time in which she has to be served or you wasted a bunch of money filing.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Step mom here as well.. for the last 14 years in a home where my step kids lived with us full time and saw their mother only a few times a year. And yes their mother tried her best to turn the kids on me an their dad.

There is no excuse for yelling, screaming, hollering and pushing to the extent described by the OP.

There is no excuse for yelling at a child (his grand child) that she was not welcome in the home. That is just down right mean. That is not how a adult should treat a child. Not even if the adult is upset at the child's parents.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

ChessMa said:


> Okay, since I have to explain such a thing: A relationship for a woman is intimate. Her marriage is intimate. Sex with her partner is the most intimate thing two people can do obviously. Everyone knows all that stuff but no one seems to realize is giving herself to him means much more than the act itself. It means she is trusting him with not only her body but also her life. It means she places all her trust and hopes in the man she loves and NOBODY comes before her man. For her husband to betray her and to show her she means nothing to him, then she is wounded. For him to betray her for the sake of other people, then he shows her they mean more to him than she does. He breaches that trust and hope she had placed in him. So, since they mean so much more, then why does he need her? He loves them more.


Thanks. With your explanation this:


> She told me "Why don't you go f___ your granddaughter and you can go f____ your daughter too.


Is much more vile.

Oh and I do disagree with the big paintbrush you just used.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ChessMa, if the OP were here posting about how his wife has been giving and giving and then still being walked all over, I'd be right there with you. But he has included way too many things that intimate that she has been just as - if not more so - rude as the other people. Did that happen AFTER she was treated badly? We don't know. But it doesn't sound like it from the little he told us. 

It sounds to me that your 'mission' is to ensure that people give stepmothers a break. That's fine and I commend you for it. But to blindly support someone just BECAUSE she's a stepmother weakens your argument.


----------



## ChessMa (Apr 15, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Oh and I do disagree with the big paintbrush you just used.


I didn't say anything for you to agree or disagree with. It doesn't matter whether you do or not. Everything I stated is either what you did but shouldn't have, what you did not do but should have, or is exactly how your wife feels. Disagree all you want, but remember your wife is the one who checked out of your marriage and put herself away from you to sleep in a different room, and you are the one who is seeking a divorce that you don't want. You didn't listen to her, and now you're not listening to me either although I echoed everything she already said to you. How could you think it matters to me if you disagree? I am not the one unhappy. I'm not the one who left my family. I'm not the one whose daughter wreaked havoc on my marriage, and I'm not the one whose daughter will be tormenting my 3rd wife soon enough.

But there is hope for you because (hopefully) now you will recognize all this when you go through it with #3. You will have learned your lessons and learned how to make your WIFE #1 in your life and your marriage the priority like they should be. You didn't know that this time around. But hopefully you learn as you go and won't make these same mistakes next time.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Umm, Philly is NOT the OP, Chess....


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

ChessMa said:


> I didn't say anything for you to agree or disagree with. It


 Sure you did, you stated your opinion on sex intamcy for all women and how he made her feel. I disagreed with your opinion.



> doesn't matter whether you do or not.


 You are absolutely correct, just like you agreeing or disagreeing with my opinion doesn't matter.



> Everything I stated is either what you did but shouldn't have, what you did not do but should have, or is exactly how your wife feels.


 Ah yes the shoulda woulda argument based on little information. You have NO CLUE what he did or didn't do. You came in with a chip on your shoulder and projected a history on this guy, this is you speaking as an authoritarian on life. He could do what you claim 100% and still be in the exact same situation. Actually, we have many threads which refute your opinion. Spouse does everything you claim he should, she cheats or becomes disenchanted with him, he has alienated his family and has no help. 


> Disagree all you want, but remember your wife is the one who checked out of your marriage and put herself away from you to sleep in a different room, and you are the one who is seeking a divorce that you don't want. You didn't listen to her, and now you're not listening to me either although I echoed everything she already said to you. How could you think it matters to me if you disagree? I am not the one unhappy. I'm not the one who left my family. I'm not the one whose daughter wreaked havoc on my marriage, and I'm not the one whose daughter will be tormenting my 3rd wife soon enough.
> 
> But there is hope for you because (hopefully) now you will recognize all this when you go through it with #3. You will have learned your lessons and learned how to make your WIFE #1 in your life and your marriage the priority like they should be. You didn't know that this time around. But hopefully you learn as you go and won't make these same mistakes next time.


The rest is you assuming things about me and the OP, in your haste to be right. So, I'll end the thread jack right here. I am not the OP, calm down it might help you read better.


----------



## RGG1957 (Mar 26, 2014)

Well I've been off here a while. I've mostly been following another thread. The divorce has been filed and she has been served and i still wish we could try and work things out. Three weeks ago I sent her an email asking if she would be willing to go to counselling together to work through our issues. No reply. I have not made any further attempt to contact her. As I said before my two main issues were her terrible temper and her hatred for my entire family, even though most of her issues were with my daughter. My daughter was mean to her at first, but in the last two years she has invited my wife to all family events and my wife has staunchly refused to attend. After two years shouldn't some of a person's hatred subside? I don't know I still lover her, but I believe in my heart she has moved on and so should I. I'm just stuck in this bad place right now.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Don't be stuck. You two obviously weren't meant to be together. She needed someone who would pretend he'd never been married before and you needed someone who'd let your past life have importance. Just learn from it and move on.


----------



## RGG1957 (Mar 26, 2014)

I've heard this before. That we were just not a good fit for each other. I have read some statements in this thread that I do need to fix in myself. First I do believe I have co-dependent issues, but I need to learn more about it. With my first wife I kept thinking if I can just get her over the hump she will get well. Whether that meant taking her to AA or giving her money after we seperated. It took me along time to realize I can't fix her only she can fix her and that's only if she wants to. I understand I do let my daughter run too much of my life. Last night she told me I had to attend a church play my 4 year old granddaughter was going to be in I told her I had already made other plans. And she said "oh no, you have to go, it's your obligation as a Papa". So I attended. However I still do not believe this justifies my wife's violent outbursts and the hatred she has for all my grandkids that have done nothing to her. I suppose I'll have to be mindful of these things in any, if any, future relationships.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'd suggest you stop being your daughter's doormat. We'll assume that your wife has a lousy temper, can't be dealt with, and you're better off without her. Your daughter is still going to cause problems with any woman you bring around; it's entirely possible she sees a partner for you as a threat to your time and resources. You can't expect that your daughter can be nasty to someone and then when she decides to play nice that person will just forget about it. Your daughter is a grown woman and quite frankly sounds a little spoiled. Forget about your wife, we're now talking about your life and any future partners you have; no woman is going to sit back while your daughter dictates your time and obligations.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I have trouble saying no to my DD23, too. Not healthy. For either of us. Work on that.


----------

