# Is this over the top?



## minime (Dec 12, 2012)

Hi. First time post. Will keep it short. Married 17 years. One child. Loads of problems. No sex. Did therapy. It didn't have lasting help. We have major money problems. We both work fulltime. I have a large legal (family) settlement in my name that I have been trying to pay back (medical related). But, despite my requests for Dave Ramsey -financial counseling - my husband insists that I file for bankruptcy. He hates that debt. Refuses to downsize - won't get a second job. (I do extra freelance work in addition to work fulltime). He just keeps his head in the sand. 

He's sweet to me, these days. Very attentive--unless I bring up anything of significance. For example, his father flew into town last night. He didn't take time off work. I suggested that he should. He said he couldn't. So his father is sitting along in the house (no cell phone) with no car. Just stuck in the house, until we return tonight. It will be like that for 3 days straight. He says that he will try to drop him off somewhere tomorrow morning and let him "wander around". 

I don't know if I can take it anymore. We own NOTHING. No house - no cars (leased) -- He just turned 40. We live paycheck to paycheck. He seems to care less. I am truthfully petried of the day - God forbid one of us loses our jobs. I always handle everything - I don't know what he would do! 

At least if I divorced -- I could move - support myself (albiet much smaller house) and show my son a good example. 

Or maybe it's just a sign of the times and I'm overreacting?


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

It would seem the first big stress in your life is your financial situation. If you can not make the monthly payments on debt when due you and your husband are facing difficult a situation.

If he could not take the time off work to be with his father, he too is finding the finances difficult. 

There are plenty of on-line tests to determine your financial well being. I recommend you both take one. 

Not owning anything at the present time is perhaps more of a failed expectation for you ( ? ) IOW you expected to be somewhat more financially better off at this point in your life than you are now. 

This financial stress is adding to other problems in your marriage. Lack of intimacy being one of them. 

I suggest reviewing your long/short term financial goals with your husband and work out a plan to achieve them. If downsizing is one of the sacrifices you need to make in the short term to gain in the long term he perhaps would see the logic then. 

Get rid of your debt. Especially credit cards if you carry any. Also if you can avoid filling for bankruptcy that would be helpful to you in the long term. 

Debt is a slippery slope. Credit is a cult. ( half serious )


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Therapy didn't work.

You have no sex.

You're financially strapped.

You have no sex.

You have no sex.

IDK. Seems like an easy decision to me, but I'm not 17 years invested into all of that. Has it been a good investment overall? What are you getting in return?


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## minime (Dec 12, 2012)

What am I getting in return? 

Hmmm.. I guess the stability of a family. But, he's not really there for me on anything. He told me to check into bankruptcy. I did. He didn't go. He didn't even ask how it went. I had to tell him. He doesn't want to get involved in anything. Meanwhile, my cell phone rings off the hook all day with creditors asking for money. It's a CONSTANT reminder every day that I'm alone in this financial mess. He SAYS I'm not - but I don't see him trying to help me figure anything out. Pretty much EVERYTHING is up to me right now. I've asked for help - and advice. I don't get anything in return. 

So - what am I getting in return? the stability of a family. No kisses or sex. And that's even AFTER I brought it up to him yet again. He just says that he doesn't want to bother me.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> what am I getting in return? the stability of a family. No kisses or sex. And that's even AFTER I brought it up to him yet again. He just says that he doesn't want to bother me


IS it stable? Or is it predictable complacency? Be honest.

I'd be out of there based on no sex. I didn't marry to become celibate (barring any horrific accident that may befall us), but that's me.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

And let's remind ourselves that marriage is a PARTNERSHIP. If you don't have a dynamic duo working together to solve problems you may as well be single.

As my mom used to say, you can do bad all by yourself.


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## minime (Dec 12, 2012)

You are right. Predictable complacency. 

I suppose I could try initiating -- all the time. I'm sure he wouldn't turn it down. But, I find it just awful that I would have to do that. I mean if I guy is repeatedly asked for sex - and he doesn't initiate -- somethings off...right?

And that's not even addressing the fact that we are broke and I'm stuck trying to figure it out.


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## minime (Dec 12, 2012)

Also - I asked him what the deal was on the sex recently. 

He said "I need to work on that, because I definitely want to be with you. I find you more attractive now than I ever have."

So what do I do with THAT?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

If you want sex, yes you'll have to be the initiator. Go for what you want. If he never reciprocates or doesn't take initiative on his own, then yes, I'd really be thinking what's the point? He doesn't want me, I'm done.

The money thing? That's an up and down thing. Seasons of plenty, and seasons of lack. This may just be your season of lack, but you have other fundamental problems that don't help with this. Emotionally you're not supported. That's HUGE. He has to be there with you working through this or it's not worth it. You would be better of alone.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

minime said:


> Also - I asked him what the deal was on the sex recently.
> 
> He said "I need to work on that, because I definitely want to be with you. I find you more attractive now than I ever have."
> 
> So what do I do with THAT?


Oh this is easy. Tell him you're from Missouri. You know, the SHOW ME state.

If he's not showing you this 'work' he needs to do, then he's blowing smoke up your patooty.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

I have to agree with A Bit Much on this. 
Actions speak louder than words. 

If creditors are calling you everyday then you both need a plan. I suspect your credit rating has been negatively affected already.

Is all the credit in your name or his or both?


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## minime (Dec 12, 2012)

All the credit is basically in my name. Definitely that legal settlement is in my name. My husband works fulltime and really cares about his job. He's not "lazy" in that respect - but he just thinks that is the end of his responsibility. 

Truly - if I lost my job today - I think the world would collapse on him. I make more than he does and I've always been a leader in our household. I just took charge and "fixed things". Recently our heater went out in the house - and he just left for work. Didn't call anyone - seem concerned at all -- just left. He just has no concern for anything past his predictable life. 

I am not saying I am much better ...I am a hard worker and I am certainly trying to deal with all of "our" problems - but I am so scared to do ANYTHING. Making a decision has become difficult for me now too -- especially since I feel like I am the pilot so to speak.

As for the sex part of this? I told him "I don't want to force things" ..in response to his "I need to work on it ....It will be rectified"...reply.... He just said "you aren't forcing things". 

I mean HOW ELSE would I feel -- it's been like this for FIVE years! (on and off - of course.) When I MADE Him go to therapy -- he stepped things up. But, when I turn my head - he's just back in la la land.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

He's sure you'll be there no matter what he does or doesn't do. He's not afraid of losing you. 

I'm ot a fan of ultimatums in a marriage, but it sounds like you need to draw your line in the sand. Make it clear to him you will not accept this state of being much longer and have been considering filing for divorce and will if things don't change.

He needs his world rocked.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

He has no concern for the credit as it is not affecting his life negatively. He has no concern for the lack of sex as it's not affecting his life negatively. In some ways you have enabled his behavior. Do nothing about the water heater. See what happens. After all, nothing like a cold shower to wake us up. 

The point A Bit Much Makes about divorce is a strong one. He would at that point be responsible for half of the debt.


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## minime (Dec 12, 2012)

Good point. I have done this before - but I didn't stick to it. My therapist was less than pleased with me. I just lost my nerve and I think he knew even MORE then - that he could manipulate me. And he did. I keep giving him hope. 

There are times when I have FAINT visions of how I might feel once I left....like I would look back and think WTF was I doing all that time. But those moments are fleeting. Maybe that's normal for couples?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Normal visions of being alone? Not in happily married partnerships. Not a day has gone by in my marriage have I pictured what my life would be like without my husband in it, and I've been married 10 years.

I'm sure I could speak for him and say that he feels the same. If you threaten with no follow through I can see how this could go on and on with no relief. You've shown him you can be soothed back into complacency. You have to show him you mean what you say and say what you mean.


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## minime (Dec 12, 2012)

I hate to admit this - but I have even considered what it would be like if he was in a traffic accident or something awful. It's an awful thing to admit...but I don't know if I could handle caring for him. He is constantly hurting himself or in some form of pain -- (he's only 40) and it drives me CRAZY hearing his constant complaints. He is happy being cranky and complaining.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Has he always been so indifferent to initiating sex?


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## minime (Dec 12, 2012)

No, not really. It became an issue a few years ago... and he admitted at that time that porn was an issue. But, he went through therapy (my mandate) and said that he's okay now. He swears that's no longer an issue. Claims that he's just self conscious.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

minime...If you are just going to believe what he says about it (he swears porn is no longer an issue) without knowing for sure, then you can guarantee he is still using it.


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## minime (Dec 12, 2012)

Our computer is out the question -- It doesn't get used that much. I haven't seen anything there. He does hold onto his phone all the time -- and I'm certain it would be there, if it existed. But, he is smart enough to clear his history now. I noticed that right away.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Maybe that's normal for couples?

Couples? This is going to sound mean but there's not a whole lot in your posts that even reflect you are a couple. The impression I get is you're in the relationship alone. Marriage is a PARTNERSHIP! If it affects you; it affects the marriage and both partners should be dealing with EVERYTHING together regardless of whose name it's in. 

Your H has it made and he knows it. He gets a wife/family with little to no effort on his part. This needs to change. He needs to understand what the consequences are and you need to be prepared to follow through with them when HE drops the ball. 

As far as the porn, he either is or he isn't; with a history of usage, the burden of proof he's no longer using it is on him! The disinterest in sex says to me something else is going on in that department.


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## minime (Dec 12, 2012)

You are right. But, honestly I am the only one who seems to care. I mean I nearly had a heart attack today - because my husband was basically clueless. Maybe I'm the idiot - but here's what happened.

His Dad (72 and heart problems) is visiting our house. Husband left for work and said he couldn't get his Dad to wake up. So I knocked on the door several times -- no answer. So, I went to work and tried calling him several times. I asked my husband to do the same. He did. I told my husband I was VERY nervous that something was wrong. He said I was paranoid. Well, after repeated calls - I finally went home to check on him. He was indeed okay and told me he "didn't know how to answer our phone". 

I was SO scared to go into the house - thinking I was going to find him dead. My husband said I was being paranoid. He REALLY could care less...


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Momof3inOR said:


> I think the hard part is when I start to rock the apple cart, he will start sending flowers and really trying to make me happy. But, he still won't address the BIG issues. At least that's my experience.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When he begins manipulating you with 'loving gestures' then you need to be upfront and TELL him if he really wants to make you happy, then he'll address the BIG issues with you. YOU are the only one who can control whether or not the loving gestures/manipulations work. If you know he's being superficial when doing so, then change your reaction to them. He's not going to stop doing something when he gets the result he's looking for. If he sees his manipulative efforts are no longer working, then just maybe he'll get the hint.


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