# tried searching for similar scenarios, unsure what is happening



## SadDad1974 (Apr 20, 2012)

I posted a while back in April that my wife of 5 years had given me the whole love but not in love speech. Long story short, I gained access to her email, found out she had become emotionally involved with an old flame (described as "the o.ne she was supposed to marry"), and I did everything that I wasn't supposed to. I kept looking thru her email for a few weeks and noticed the email exchanges between them were a lot like the love letters she and I passed back and forth when we had first started dating. I knew I had lost and I had become obsessed with hating these two people

May came and it seemed like she had it with me and my family. She called me over to file divorce papers online. I had a much needed vacation planned after my birthday and I refused to take part in it. Way to freaking ruin my birthday, I yelled, and I grudgingly told her I would be willing to sign her papers upon my return from overseas. I had it with looking like a fool and decided to change my outlook. Hell, it was over anyway, I might as well prepare myself for the inevitable and not make myself look like an idiot in the process. So I did the 180.

Seriously, I focused on my kids and myself, and proudly displayed small but significant achievements on my Facebook wall. My kids had become my reason for living and my happiness was my reason for learning how to kick a$$ at life. Everything from my son's graduation to playing music together, FB had become a scrapbook for my kids and I.

My birthday was soon coming up and I had started to hang out with old friends. One good friend hooked me up with not one but several dates, all of whom were smoking hot. Of course their pictures ended up on my FB.

The few days before my bday I got pretty ill with the flu, and my wife was calling nonstop with her concern. She said she wished she was there to take care of me, and offered to pick me up. I declined. I didn't want to be babied and I felt like my fever was about to break anyway. At the end of our phone conversation I could tell her voice wavering and she was about to cry. I asked her what was wrong, and she was full of denial. Immediately after hanging up she texted "I was just concerned about your health, that's all." Interestingly, her mom called me to see how I was doing, and I seriously sounded bad.

It was early June by this time and I got well enough for my birthday to make myself happy for a weekend. Friday night I went to a local bar to check out the scene and to celebrate birthday eve. It was customary for my wife's and I's circle of friends to text each other happy birthday at the stroke of midnight. Fail moment was at 11:55pm when my phone battery died. Ultimately a blessing.

Saturday morning came and I was up at 8am to exercise. I usually go to a park where lots of good looking people go there to jog, so go to try to mingle with active people. With a fresh charge on my phone I noticed my wife had texted me. I was still irritated with her denials so I didn't bother responding. I ran 10k that morning and it was hot! This new 180 degree me is athletic and sexy.

Saturday afternoon came and I had gone home from the park. Her first call at noon I ignored and 10 minutes later I texted back with a "thanks for the birthday greeting. Have a good day!" She called again after I texted that. I debated what to say and bewildered by her persistence and accidentally let it go to voicemail. I felt bad at this point and immediately called back. Her voice tried to sound cheerful as she told me happy birthday and asked me what my plans were. I told her dinner was with my family and the evening was going to be spent watching boxing on PPV. So she asked if I was available for lunch because she wanted to take me out and I said no thanks, I had run so much that all I wanted to do was take a shower and take a nap until my evening festivities. This is when she started bawling over the phone, telling me she wished she could be around for my birthday because she doesn't want ME to be lonely. I cut her off and told her I was going to finish my shower, and that we'd continue the conversation when I was done.

I felt bad for making her cry. Despite my fatigue, let her know I was on the way to have lunch with her and I drove 45 minutes to her house. In the meantime, she had done some impromptu bday gift shopping and even bought my favorite taco truck tacos for lunch. I asked her why she was crying over the phone and she told me about her last visit with her counselor at work. She also indicated that she still talks to the other guy, but not in the same way. She was crying telling me all of this, so I held her in my arms and promised to listen and not judge. She wanted to talk upstairs in the bedroom, and it turned into mind blowing sex. During the act she was insistent on "not letting this get emotional" ... a woman telling a guy this, unreal. We showered together and even cuddled afterwards, things regular couples do.

Sunday morning, the next day, I went to church by myself and visited her. We went out to eat, talked about the child custody situation, and went to exchange the clothes she had bought me the day before. I went from a size 32 to a size 28 in the months since she dropped the bomb on me. Losing 30 pounds was a combination of depression and doing lots of exercise. We did some light shopping for my upcoming overseas trip and we actually had a great time together, almost like we were two people on a really good and simple second date. I dropped her off at her (our) house and as I was leaving she asked if I wanted to do it real quick. We did it, but not real quick. We cuddled afterwards.

Monday, the day after that, was my last day in the country. She offered to let me sleep over so she can drop me off at the airport in the morning. This was a sleep over, I thought, so I expected to situate myself in the guest room. Nope, she brought dinner upstairs, we ate, watched a movie, had some more mind blowing sex. And we cuddled afterwards.

So here I am in another country. I had already mentally prepared myself to move on, had already went on dates, I'm getting noticed by the opposite sex, and my wife throws this birthday weekend curveball at me. To make things worse, I'm here visiting her relatives in the other country, and her folks here love me to death. Her mom told me that when I was sick, my wife revealed to her that she loved me and missed me. When I chat with my wife online she talks about moving on and getting used to being alone. It is all very confusing and was hoping anyone still awake had anything to say. Run away or fight for my wife? I'm still in love with her and have forgiven her for cheating on me, but if I'm being toyed with I know I have made necessary changes in my life that I would be a good catch for someone. I return from my overseas trip in a week and if I could get my wife back, I would ... without sounding like the same old obsessed SOB how and when do I tell her that I want reconciliation?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Primer it sounds like you did all the right things and your wife is now aware as to what she might be missing.

That said, it sounds like she's still doing the intimacy dance with you - she wants you close but not too close. She wanted to file for divorce, she's still talking to the other guy, and she's afraid/unwilling to open up emotionally to you. There is still a problem here.

If you've done all this work for all the right reasons, you'll know you deserve the whole package out of a wife and it doesn't sound like you have it yet. Seriously, you should not have to grovel to come back after she had the emotional affair...

Still, it is great news that your wife is starting to come to some positive realizations about what she had with you!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Primer,

I would be careful here. She's sending mixed messages

I think that if there's a chance at reconcilation, she should be the one to request it. She should ask you for it and tell you that she no longer has ANY contact with her EA partner

Stay strong, keep being pleasant with her but also keep going out on dates until she puts the offer on the table


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## SadDad1974 (Apr 20, 2012)

I doubt the other guy and my wife are still romantically linked. At this point in time, I could give a crap about him because I am too busy doing my own thing. I'm not going to compete with some a$$hole for my wife, I'm too good for that. Given that he has taken a step back and she truly misses me, I am in a world of confusion and frustration.

I guess the correct course is to maintain course. Do the 180 rules still apply? Am I supposed to be short with her? She said things are great when we hang out and when we chat, but that is contrary to 180 principles. When I return to my home country and bring back our daughter from vacation (my daughter spent summer overseas with her grandparents) I don't know if it's healthy to indulge both of our sexual appetites. I really have no interest in going out and getting laid by anyone else at this moment. I was ready to move on and be solitary, but I'd much rather be having sex with my wife if it isn't harmful for my goals of reconciling.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Did she came back because of what she did was wrong/remorseful or was she dumped by OM/didn't see a future with him?

Find the answer to that question, in the mean time continue with the divorce as that'll show her true colors fast and effectively.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadDad1974 (Apr 20, 2012)

She hasn't "come back" ... we're just having sex and she refuses to kiss me on the mouth 

I ask her if she wants me to stop and she says yes. So I stop and then she tells me not to. Not knowing where the hell I am, I feel just as bad as before, except for the getting sex part. I am staying strong and refusing to have sex with the women I'm dating because technically I am still married.

Also, sorry for the late response. I'm just now back from an overseas trip from S. America. Upon my return my wife picked us up from the airport and she had me sleep in the bed with her rather than in the guest quarters. When she gets phone calls, her first instinct is to angle the phone so I don't see who's calling. I believe someone called at 4am while we were having sex.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Why don't you just ask her what the heck is going on.I mean you don't really have anything to lose at this point.If you don't and just keep going back for the sex you just may end up in limbo,because by the sound of your post you'll end up emotionally attached again.Good luck.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

She just jerking you around, waiting to see which one of you is her meal ticket.

I'd go dark on her and continue with divorce proceedings.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

DanF said:


> She just jerking you around, waiting to see which one of you is her meal ticket.
> 
> I'd go dark on her and continue with divorce proceedings.


Absolutely.

I was going to advise differently until I saw this:

>>She hasn't "come back" ... we're just having sex and she refuses to kiss me on the mouth<<

The hell with the b*tch.


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