# I'll start from the beginning



## Thisisatest (Jan 11, 2013)

So, to start from the beginning. I'm male raised by a single mother who has been married and divorced three times in total. During her third marriage while I was fairly small I was sexually abused by an ex-step brother. When I was an early teen I was removed from custody of my mother because of physical abuse and went to live with my dad (Married three times, divorced twice). I was always shy but fairly well adjusted (I thought) all things considering. 

I never dated or kissed anyone until my senior year of high school when I started to date my now wife. She's funny, nice, and pretty. I was a year older than her and went to college close by my freshman year, but then transferred to the school she got into when she graduated high school. We graduated high school, worked for a bit before I got a job out of state and then got engaged and married in 2007. We had premarital sex and fooled around and so forth. 

A year after moving out of state we moved back to our hometown after and bought a house and have lived here since. My Wife is a teacher and got her degree and masters (with me obviously) and I work from home or travel throughout the country. 

In early 2011 we had our first child together after feeling like we were ready and we both love him dearly. 

In the summer of 2012 my wife started working as a waitress at a local seasonal restaurant since she works at a private school and doesn't make a ton of money. As a result I spent a lot of time with our son and realized quickly that my life as a pseudo single dad was essentially no different than when I was married. I do all of my laundry and our sons. I do the dishes, the yard work, pay the bills, balance the budgets, figure out issues etc. Any cleaning or cooking I'd say is split fairly even with my wife doing little to none of it. When I'm working from home I get him up in the morning, take him to grandma's to be watched and we usually pick him up together. 

Last summer I sat down with her a few times and told her I didn't like feeling like I was falling out of love with her. That I felt like we started as partners, then were roommates, and were now starting to directly go against each other. We don't typically fight much or yell, just avoid everything. 

I've got a lot of anger and resentment now. I told my wife that she needed to be better about expressing things and I realized I needed to as well. That she needed to help more around the house because I felt like when times got tough I stepped up and she backed down. We talked about making a chore schedule and such but nothing ever came of it. 

For 11+ years of us being together I tried to be what I thought was affectionate and initiate things and so forth, but I just don't feel like I have it in me anymore. I feel like she loves me for the wrong reasons and doesn't show anything in return either sexually or just being helpful around the house. 

From our earlier conversations this summer she still loves me because she says so, but I explained to her that saying it and showing it are different things. 

I never really felt this way for a long time, but then it was like a switch went off and I felt used and taken advantage of. Like I was blind to something. That I've missed out on so much. 

Her only issue with me now is that I've gotten angrier now because I'm so annoyed by the lack of everything. The other day she asked me if I was mad and I said yes, just because you ignore it doesn't mean it will go away. But then she said that I had to put some effort in to fix it. I feel like I've put in all of the effort for a long time now and am just burned out. 

Half of me now thinks I'm just messed up mentally and am going through a midlife crisis at 30, the other half of me thinks I've just been doing what I thought was the right thing to do for a long time.

I'm just looking for thoughts and reactions. We talked about seeing a marriage counselor but in all honesty I don't really want to dredge up stuff from my past that I feel like I've pseudo dealt with already plus she doesn't know that I was sexually abused as a child.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Have you seen a therapist about the sexual abuse? I don't see how you can have a happy relationship with your wife with something like that in your past, not dealt with. 'Pseudo' dealing with it obviously isn't cutting it.


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## behappy123 (Jan 5, 2013)

Hi Thisisatest, 

It definitely sounds like you feel you are being taken advantage of because of all the things you are doing that she is not helping out with, which is understandable. 

I don't know if the sexual abuse has something to do with how you are feeling or not because I don't know if you have gotten help with that or if it is something that you haven’t worked through. Based on your side of the story, it sounds more like you are looking for a partner and you are not getting that from your spouse. 

Everyone gets tired from jobs, kids, ect..but she should still be doing her fair share of everything if you are both working full time. This of course changes a little if one spouse is working less or more than the other. 

I read this book called Divorce Busting and one thing that really stood out for me is that it talks about how a relationship is like a see saw. If one spouse is doing most of the work, the other spouse will back off because they know spouse A will handle things. Have you tried not doing stuff for a little while to see if she steps up? For example, leaving the dishes dirty until she does them? 

Also, it sounds like you have been dealing with this problem for so long that there is a lot of resentment there. If she did change, and started helping out and was more willing to accept your advances, do you feel like that would help reverse some of the resentment or has it been going on for so long that you feel like you will always feel that way?

What did your wife say when you told her you were falling out of love with her and that you were angry with how things were going?


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## NewLife2013 (Dec 4, 2012)

Sorry to hear you feel that way but it is a step in the right direction that you are posting here. Remember that dynamics of a relationship change when you have a child and your son is still very young. Women go through a strange phase after becoming mothers and they also question lots of things. This is more so if they are not naturally motherly or if they are dealing with a carrier (you mention your wife has 2 jobs!). She has different attitude towards home duties to you and this is something you have to decide whether it is worth compromising on or not. I think it is important for your to sit down and lay your feelings bare in front of her. As you would in work project with all the details, examples, possible outcomes and consequences. I wish my husband talked to me before it was too late and he already made up his mind about our marriage being over. Yet, if it was a work project, he would not let it slip an inch...


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## Thisisatest (Jan 11, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Have you seen a therapist about the sexual abuse? I don't see how you can have a happy relationship with your wife with something like that in your past, not dealt with. 'Pseudo' dealing with it obviously isn't cutting it.


I have not. And though I'm sure whether I admit it or not it plays some role I also believe that the bigger part of it is dealing with the situation I am in now, even if I'm in this situation because of past things.


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## Thisisatest (Jan 11, 2013)

amandad0428 said:


> Hi Thisisatest,
> 
> It definitely sounds like you feel you are being taken advantage of because of all the things you are doing that she is not helping out with, which is understandable.
> 
> ...


That's interesting about the letting things go. I did let things go a bit around the house and such over Christmas break and she stepped up a bit, but not really. It's already back to the same old thing of me doing a majority of things. 

The change thing is what scares me/kind of brings me to here. I do kind of feel like the anger and resentment has gotten far enough that when she does do things different I read them as fake and annoying. Pandering to me. 

When I told her I was feeling like I had fallen out of love with her she basically said she was scared because she had never felt like that before about me. She made me kind of feel guilty about it. At this point though I'm having a hard time even feeling sad about not being with her. My emotions are tied to the practicality of raising our child and dealing with the ramifications of feeling like I or we disappointed everyone.


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## Thisisatest (Jan 11, 2013)

NewLife2013 said:


> Sorry to hear you feel that way but it is a step in the right direction that you are posting here. Remember that dynamics of a relationship change when you have a child and your son is still very young. Women go through a strange phase after becoming mothers and they also question lots of things. This is more so if they are not naturally motherly or if they are dealing with a carrier (you mention your wife has 2 jobs!). She has different attitude towards home duties to you and this is something you have to decide whether it is worth compromising on or not. I think it is important for your to sit down and lay your feelings bare in front of her. As you would in work project with all the details, examples, possible outcomes and consequences. I wish my husband talked to me before it was too late and he already made up his mind about our marriage being over. Yet, if it was a work project, he would not let it slip an inch...


I should clarify that she does not have two jobs. She was a teacher during the school year and then waitressed in the summer 3-4 nights a week with no overlappage of both jobs.

I should mention that despite sitting down and having some talks I like most glossed over the details or only touched on the tip of the iceberg since I didn't want to hurt her.

It's tough when I know she wants to stay together since she's always got what she wanted out of our relationship, but now my unhappiness is technically ruining her good thing, if that makes sense.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So, if you don't want to do any kind of therapy, what ARE you willing to do? There are a ton of great relationship building/marriage saving books out there. How committed are you to saving your marriage? What do you really want?

And I really don't think you'll be able to sustain any new relationship either, leaving your past buried like you have.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

no offense, but you kind of sounding like a whining woman. I do all the things you are speaking of, and I don't feel used.

it's not like she's a couch potatoe telling you to get her a beer and cheating on you


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## Thisisatest (Jan 11, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> So, if you don't want to do any kind of therapy, what ARE you willing to do? There are a ton of great relationship building/marriage saving books out there. How committed are you to saving your marriage? What do you really want?
> 
> And I really don't think you'll be able to sustain any new relationship either, leaving your past buried like you have.


Questions like this bother me a bit. I'm probably not committed to saving my marriage at this point. I'll admit that. But to spin around and claim that I'm unwilling to do anything in my mind is a gross over exaggeration and clearly takes away from everything that I have done. What has she done to save our marriage??? Isn't marriage a two person endeavor? Why does it always boil down to what can I do? I'm tired of doing. 

I know almost every thread on here the people ask this question about what are you willing to do to save your marriage, but in my situation I do everything already. 

I'm not sure about future sustainable relationships. I know people always say the grass is always greener and if you meet someone new it's just the early lust stages or you're in a fog and that's what makes it so intoxicating. I'm not necessarily going to disagree with that, but how do people know they weren't in a fog with their marriage too? What differentiates it?


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## Thisisatest (Jan 11, 2013)

ATC529R said:


> no offense, but you kind of sounding like a whining woman. I do all the things you are speaking of, and I don't feel used.
> 
> it's not like she's a couch potatoe telling you to get her a beer and cheating on you



I don't find that offensive, but I would imagine most women would. 

I guess I'll ask you a question back then. Why don't you feel used? How does your wife show you she appreciates all that you do for your family? Does she thank you? Kiss you? 

It's not the amount of work necessarily that's being done that makes someone feel used.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

Thisisatest said:


> I don't find that offensive, but I would imagine most women would.
> 
> I guess I'll ask you a question back then. Why don't you feel used? How does your wife show you she appreciates all that you do for your family? Does she thank you? Kiss you?
> 
> It's not the amount of work necessarily that's being done that makes someone feel used.


I don't feel used because it's what I signed up for.
for better or worse, sickness and in health and all.

my wife mostly asks for my effection, so I guess I know she wants it, but it sounds like yours does to. some days she wants to kill me, she rarely thanks me I guess......but thats because it's usually more that I let her do it her way, and I am right in the end. so I guess if you call I told you so a thank you....yeah she thanks me. lol


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## behappy123 (Jan 5, 2013)

Thisisatest said:


> That's interesting about the letting things go. I did let things go a bit around the house and such over Christmas break and she stepped up a bit, but not really. It's already back to the same old thing of me doing a majority of things.
> 
> The change thing is what scares me/kind of brings me to here. I do kind of feel like the anger and resentment has gotten far enough that when she does do things different I read them as fake and annoying. Pandering to me.
> 
> When I told her I was feeling like I had fallen out of love with her she basically said she was scared because she had never felt like that before about me. She made me kind of feel guilty about it. At this point though I'm having a hard time even feeling sad about not being with her. My emotions are tied to the practicality of raising our child and dealing with the ramifications of feeling like I or we disappointed everyone.


Relationships have cycles and it doesn't necessarily matter who started the cycle but who wants to stop the cycle from happening. She is most likely unhappy with something in her life or something with you that is making her behave a certain way which is making you behave a certain way and the cycle continues. 

That is completely understandable that her stepping up would feel fake and like it isn't going to last because of all the resentment that has happened. It took several years to build that resentment so a couple little things are not going to make a big difference until those couples little things become a couple more ect. 

The big question for you is do you have any hope that things will change or any want to continue to try? If you have hope and want to continue to try than that’s great but if not that I would sit down and really figure out a game plan for you and your child. 

It sounds like you stopped doing certain things for a while and it worked a little so why did you end up going back to doing them yourself again?


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## Thisisatest (Jan 11, 2013)

amandad0428 said:


> It sounds like you stopped doing certain things for a while and it worked a little so why did you end up going back to doing them yourself again?


I can't live with dirty dishes in the sink for a week straight. It starts to bother me eventually.


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## NewLife2013 (Dec 4, 2012)

I think not taking to her about how unhappy you have been (sounds for a while) is going to hurt her even more now when you decide to drop the bomb . .. I think it is not fair to go out with these issues if you have not emphasised and emhpasised again how much that all bothered you. Now she has no way of correcting her behaviour. 
To be honest, I don't think these are all big issues. They would be for a woman and even that would be wrong. Doing chores around the house is not necessarily the proof of love and commitment. Well, that's how I see it... and I am saying this because this is what drove my husband away, I was complaining of his lack of committment because I was doing everything around our home and I have a demanding job... If orderly home and tidiness is your strong need, you should have communicated that to her. I am just trying to help you see things from a woman's perspective (and this woman is being left by her H because of those sort of irrelevant things..)


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## behappy123 (Jan 5, 2013)

NewLife2013 said:


> I think not taking to her about how unhappy you have been (sounds for a while) is going to hurt her even more now when you decide to drop the bomb . .. I think it is not fair to go out with these issues if you have not emphasised and emhpasised again how much that all bothered you. Now she has no way of correcting her behaviour.
> To be honest, I don't think these are all big issues. They would be for a woman and even that would be wrong. Doing chores around the house is not necessarily the proof of love and commitment. Well, that's how I see it... and I am saying this because this is what drove my husband away, I was complaining of his lack of committment because I was doing everything around our home and I have a demanding job... If orderly home and tidiness is your strong need, you should have communicated that to her. I am just trying to help you see things from a woman's perspective (and this woman is being left by her H because of those sort of irrelevant things..)


I agree with you that the housecleaning and behavior on that part probably isn't a deal-breaker for the OP. I think where he is coming from is that it has built up for so long that he is very resentful which is why he is feeling like he can't do this anymore. I think it started with the little problems but it has festered into something bigger because of how long it has been going on. Op, please correct me if I am wrong.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

ATC529R said:


> no offense, but you kind of sounding like a whining woman. I do all the things you are speaking of, and I don't feel used.
> 
> it's not like she's a couch potatoe telling you to get her a beer and cheating on you


How could anyone (especially women) take offense at such a statement?


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## Thisisatest (Jan 11, 2013)

behappy123 said:


> I agree with you that the housecleaning and behavior on that part probably isn't a deal-breaker for the OP. I think where he is coming from is that it has built up for so long that he is very resentful which is why he is feeling like he can't do this anymore. I think it started with the little problems but it has festered into something bigger because of how long it has been going on. Op, please correct me if I am wrong.


Correct. And its not all about chores, financials, or intimacy, it's a culmination of all of the above. 

I think maybe a small part of me thought once we had a kid that she would step up and become more of a wife/maternal figure and it just hasn't happened. She's a good mom but not a great wife. 

I never considered myself to believe in men's jobs and women's job either. I'm just saying I wanted and needed help for awhile now and I know she doesn't know how to mow the lawn.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Thisisatest said:


> Questions like this bother me a bit. I'm probably not committed to saving my marriage at this point. I'll admit that. But to spin around and claim that I'm unwilling to do anything in my mind is a gross over exaggeration and clearly takes away from everything that I have done. What has she done to save our marriage??? Isn't marriage a two person endeavor? Why does it always boil down to what can I do? I'm tired of doing.
> 
> I know almost every thread on here the people ask this question about what are you willing to do to save your marriage, but in my situation I do everything already.
> 
> I'm not sure about future sustainable relationships. I know people always say the grass is always greener and if you meet someone new it's just the early lust stages or you're in a fog and that's what makes it so intoxicating. I'm not necessarily going to disagree with that, but how do people know they weren't in a fog with their marriage too? What differentiates it?


I wasn't implying that you aren't willing to do anything, I was asking because you DO need to figure out what you can commit to. If you can't commit to doing anything, and you're leaving it all up to your wife, then that matters.

We can't tell your wife what to do - she isn't posting here. So if you're looking for advice on what YOU can do, we need to know what, if anything you are willing to do. If you've drawn your line in the sand and said you're done doing, now it's all up to your wife, then there's really not much we can say, is there?

If you do still want to work on things, I can recommend some great books you and she can work on together. But they won't do any good unless you are both committed to making it work.


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