# My ex of 8 years 3 kids we have been separated for 3 years



## Ltdan459 (May 10, 2018)

Hi My name's Daniel. I'm 27 and a father of 3. 

To best under stand my question it's best to understand my story so please bear with me.

My story. 
Iv been with this girl since high school we were each others first everything. We met in our ROTC program at school. We ended up meeting in oh I say September and Started being boyfriend and gril Friend in November yea we lost our virginity together not to long after that. And then after a year of being together we ran off to Mexico so yea. Anyway we come back she is pregnant with our first child. It was hard trying to get through it because well her family well did not like me. Anyway 2 years after we have our 2nd child. About a year latter after dealing with her family and some b's O had enuff and left her (not our daughter) but her it just was not working out for me. She wanted me to stay but I said no didn't want to be with her. 

What dose she do. Goes in to highding with our kids for 3 months. When I start trying to find my girls and get custody or 50/50 she hits me with a TRO a Temp Restraing Order. Her mom pushed her do do that and go in to a domestic violence shelter (no DV was ever done by me) anyway I was depressed only because I missed my girls. After the judge through it out do to lies and fails claims we went to cousdoty court. 

While going through that she and I ended up making love a few or a lot of times. She let me sneek in to the shelter (apartment homes) and yea we did it. Yea apparently she was talking to other guys at the time even sent some well photos of her to some guy latter on when asked she said she didn't know if it would work out. 

(Separation lasted 1 year)

Anyway We decided to squash everything in court and got our first apartment. She didn't know if it would work out because she was still talking to other guys and also she wanted me to do this way before our 2nd child. It did not matter what she was doing. I wanted her and my family back. So after getting our apartment she stopped talking to the guys and cut ties and focused on me and our family. We had a great time no fighting no issues we made love every day did a lot of things as a family.

Then our 3 child was conceived. But her mom (devil) came back into the pitcher she always teared my ex like SH after we meet. Anyway she convinced her to move back leave our apartment and she would help her put. So My ex did and I went back to my parents. But her mom only wanted her back for money she dose not work. And after her and her mom fighting we ended up getting a 2nd apartment. I pushed and worked for that too. 

Now we get in to why we separated the biggest one.

Anyway now this 2nd apartment was more expensive but big and nice. I was working back to back full time jobs she was working and going to school. I hardly spent anytime with my family due to work. We would fight a lot about money her family getting in the way and me not being home.

Anyway we move in to my parents place we thought no stress more time making love and being a happy family then fighting.

Well I ended up growing distant from her would not make love or cuddle or spend much time with her. I was burnt out from dealing with everything in the past. so well she ended up cheating. To make it short I found out and was devastated I mean she was sleeping with a guy she gave up her body to a different man. That was something we had special. Anyway yea I forgave her and thought we were working things out. Nope she was still seeing him. Well I didn't want to play games so I went in to a deep depression she left me for that guy. 
Then we go to court a 2nd time. Now she get a 2nd TRO but during that time she breaks it text me I miss you I miss us or let make this work if you want. Man I really did want this to work but trust was gone. Anyway she ended up dropping the order her self so we could coparent now she didn't want to be with me she wanted to be with that guy. Anyway after long court battles and getting my 50/50 of all 3 kids I still wanted her back IDK why I wanted my family back I still had feelings. 

That all ended when we went to child support court. Well I said f it I'm done. I focused on my kids and was happy.

Then this happened. Keep it short the guy that she left me for well their relationship was a roller coaster on his end and hers. He cheated a lot I don't know if she did but he told me he thinks she was yea he came to me on how to deal with her I was like it's your problem now. Anyway he went back to his ex wife in July 2017 they have not spoken since as far as April 29th 2018 3 years after she left me. 

So in August we me and her well at that time we were doing ok with coparenting bit we ended up hooking up. We ended up being parents with benifets. It was just sex that's what me and her went in for. Then after that we started doing things with the kids then romantic stuff dates and sex and kissing now and hugging and staying at her place a few times for weeks. I was hoping we would be getting a family again. Well she didn't want it. There were issues and since Agust till now we I guess you can say broke up 3 times she didn't want to deal with me I call to much thought she was cheating and using me. Anyway from March till May 2nd things were fine. I guess. We would talk a lot on the phone and hang out and do things with the kids. 
Well up until 2 weeks ago sex was good. But when I stay at her place when her Sister she lives with was out of town she was distant like I was when she left for that guy. At first I though oh she is getting it from some were else. But she wasn't ye yea I know I went through her phone she use to lock it when she cheated on me but since August she hasn't or sometimes leaves the phone out in the open or with me not knowing I would go trough it. Anyway no nothing I saw on text,FB,Snap,IG had sings of cheating. Yea she had a few guy friends but she talked to them like I talk to my buddy's but small talk not long convos or anything and she would not reply sometimes in weeks or months and also mostly talked to her sisters . Plus on my days with the kids she would watch them while I go to work and I watch them when She goes to work and we would talk on the way to and from and during work. There was no time for guys. Pulse she used my car all the time and it had a GPS (government vehicle)

I'm getting off track anyway sex was lame the last 2 
weeks then we got in a fight. It started Tuesday night after we text good night and we went to bed. I got up an hour later and checked a messages on FB. Well noticed she was online and text her phone hey you up wyd. She said on my phone I'll talk to you latter (she like to watch fb vids and read story's on FB or news feeds) so I said ok and said this shouldn't you be getting to bed you have to be up at 4am drop off the kids at my place and be by your work at 530am pluse you go to the 2nd job right after. 
See I got her a job were I work not the same place just didn't want her to mess that job up. But she gets pissed tells me I don't control her that that's what you and the last guys name would always think I'm cheating or something you always but in to my privacy and so on. Ok I did do this before gave drama when she when on her fb when she couldnt talk to me for some reason. She got mad thay last time we got into a small argument i took my car back then we made up about 30 minuts latter and were fine. Anyway same thing we mad up but then she wouldnt talk to me the rest of the week that much like we did. I guess me calling to muched when she stuck with 2 jobs stress making rent late didnt help. And I questioned if she was seeing anyone else. Anyway she said like she always dose when she gets mad she said I'm not your GF you not my Bf and we are not getting back together you and I are just benifets and hanging out and doing things for the kids. And she said some other hurtful things. Anyway I was I'll let you go see I always leave her this time around the no contact rule and she comes back apologize and so on. Anyway we have dinner that night. After that I think things would work out but the day after yea we fight her van I used broke down and she was mad eairler with me said to call she can give me a ride anyway got it working and she's off of work in at work I said he I called thinking we can talk. Nope she didn't want to deal with me and we ended up fighting I took my car back since we were switching anyway said to her how I feel how she treats me like SH at times after I help with rent,kids get her a job,put gass up the cars or help pay for things and you say this stuff. 
She told me I took my car back because she would talk to me that I only do things for sex. I told her I'm not like the last guy who saw an opportunity and used you for sex. I do it because I care I don't it to show you I want our family I do it because I still love you but if you treat me like this then why should I do anything.

Anyway we are back to no contact but for some reason I'm depressed like I was when we separated our 2nd time. She now wants us to go back on this website the courts had set up to communicate with each other again last time we did that was in Jan 2018 and November 2017. Then we would go back to texting.

Yes our situation and how the cousdoty of the kids work out it can be active no contact.
So my question no I get to it. No contract active no contact this time or should I move on? Every time I do no contract if it last a day couple of days week or weeks I pick up or answer the first text she sends me and we are back at it again were she just keeps me there when she needs me.

I feel like I'm 
1 a rebound after the rebound (the guy she left me for) 
2 I'm just there when she wants me seasonal 
3 she is just using me because I do a lot for her.

I'm not going to lie I miss how things were when we had our first apartment. I miss my family my kids loved that we got back together I guess in there eyes they loved having both of us there taking them places camping this and that theme parks and so on. 

Or should I just move on. I got over her in 5 months was happy after that with my kids yea I missed her but was happy I hate to go through this again.

Dose she miss me? Dose she think of me could she movie on?

PS our kids are 7 4 and 3


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

You know your life would be easier if you don't participate in that drama.


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## Ltdan459 (May 10, 2018)

Personal said:


> You know your life would be easier if you don't participate in that drama.


I know it's just hard to move on. Honestly this is my first relationship. Part of me wants to move on part of me wants what was there. I trye to think of the good times and bad times and there seems to be more bad times but I feel well I don't know what I feel anymore. 

It's just when she left it was so so hard. It devastated me. I couldn't stop thinking what she did. Yet couldn't stop thinking what we had.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Well it's up to you, so feel free to wallow in the past if that is your want. 

That said if it isn't your want, you would do well to pick yourself up (because no one can do that for you), dust yourself off and get on with moving on.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Ltdan459 said:


> I know it's just hard to move on. Honestly this is my first relationship. Part of me wants to move on part of me wants what was there. I trye to think of the good times and bad times and there seems to be more bad times but I feel well I don't know what I feel anymore.
> 
> It's just when she left it was so so hard. It devastated me. I couldn't stop thinking what she did. *Yet couldn't stop thinking what we had*.


What do you think you had? She's tried restraining orders, had an affair and it's obvious she has used you and continues to do so. You have not had a real relationship with her, just a whirlwind of drama and games. 

Keep her out of your life as much as you can. She isn't missing you and frankly she could care less about you unless she can use you to suit her wants.


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## kenpatric (May 10, 2018)

@Personal is absolutely right. When you do not participate in that drama your life would be better.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She is 100% the child of her Mother.

And that will never change, sadly.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Daniel, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., verbal abuse, controlling actions, temper tantrums, emotional instability, black-white thinking, always  being "The Victim," inability to trust, and rapid flips between Jekyll (loving you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your W exhibits full-blown BPD (only a professional can determine that). Rather, I suggesting that she may be exhibiting moderate to strong traits of BPD. And, to a lesser extent, she also may be exhibiting strong traits of narcissism (e.g., her manipulation that is intended to deceive you).



> She hits me with a TRO a Temp Restraining Order... and goes into a domestic violence shelter.


If your W is a BPDer (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum), consider yourself lucky that she didn't have you thrown into jail. That's what my BPD exW did to me at the end of our 15-year marriage. She falsely charged me with "brutalizing" her. Being arrested early on a Saturday morning, I had to stay in jail 3 days until I was able to go before a judge late on Monday.

When I got out of jail 3 days later, I found that my exW had obtain a R/O barring me from returning to my own home for 18 months (the time it takes to get a divorce in this State). Significantly, BPDers experience feelings so intense that they usually are absolutely convinced that the feeling MUST be true. But because they are unstable, their feelings flip back and forth. 

The result is that, as occurred with your W, my exW would be afraid of me one day and then -- a week or two later -- would be willing to jump into bed with me. A BPDer's perception of your intentions is dictated by how she is feeling AT THIS VERY MOMENT.

I am assuming, Daniel, that your W was truly afraid of you whenever she obtain the R/O and moved into a woman's shelter. If that is not true -- i.e., if she was only pretending to be afraid so as to manipulate the police and judge -- then you are describing narcissistic behavior instead of BPD behavior.



> Her mom pushed her do do that.


As @MattMatt stated, _"She is 100% the child of her Mother."_ If your W is a BPDer, you know which side of her family she got her mental issues from. BPD is believed to develop in children before the age of 5 due to inherited genes (giving the child a predisposition to super-vigilance and over-sensitivity) and trauma or abuse. Recent studies suggest that, when one parent has full-blown BPD, each child has about a 30% chance of developing it.

I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits them at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum). 

Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as verbal abuse, controlling behavior, temper tantrums, and irrational jealousy.

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your W's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid staying in a toxic marriage and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her.

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_ to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you and your kids are dealing with. I also would suggest you read my more detailed description of those red flags at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Matt and the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Daniel.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She is who she is. It's time for you to move on.


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