# Marriage Seems Good but I'm Unhappy



## confused33 (Jun 11, 2013)

This is my first time posting here and I guess I'm just looking for some fresh perspective. I'll try to be as brief as I can and hope you will be gentle but honest with me because I am very nervous.

So I am 33 years old and have been married to my husband for almost 5 years, we have been together for 7 years. We have two incredible children together. My husband is a good man and a good father. I respect him and I care about him. But I think that's all there is. I dated him and eventually married him because I felt like it was a responsible decision - we wanted the same things (kids and a nice life) and were compatible. But I'm not sure I was ever in love with him. I feel terrible even considering divorce but I'm really unhappy. 

One of our big problems is that we almost never have sex. Even when we were still dating we very rarely had sex. I kept thinking it would get better when we moved, better when we got married, etc. but it only got worse (of course). As of today, it has been over a year and a half since the last time we had sex. The worst part of this is that I don't even want to have sex with him. My sex drive is still intact but my aversion is specific to him. I don't even like for him to touch me and have found myself avoiding his good night kiss every night which I know makes him feel bad and makes me feel guilty.

Another big problem is his family. I get along with them ok when we are around them but my relationship with them has been terribly damaged by things they have done to step on my toes as a mom and as a wife to my husband. I have tried very hard to get over these things but they just keep resurfacing. It is to the point now where I know it has been damaging to my marriage (my husband knows about these problems and feels put in the middle) and to myself as a person. I feel like it eats away at me every time I have to see them. I don't want to be a hateful and angry person but I feel like that's what I'm becoming and I don't know how to let go of it. I also don't want my kids to end up being in the middle of them and me but I find it really hard to suppress my feelings. 

I'd say the third major issue is just that he does not communicate with me. I have pointed this out many times and he just doesn't seem to be able to change. His whole family is this way. He doesn't communicate with me about feelings or money or anything and it just leaves me confused and upset trying to guess what is going on with him at any given time. I don't like having to wonder about things like this.

There's a lot more, of course, but if I had to narrow down what was most eating at me I'd say it's those things. I read the book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" and I was amazed at how many signs I should leave there were. But I still feel like I'm just giving up even though this has been in the back of my head and I've been working at it for years. I feel terrible for wanting to throw away my family and hurt my kids but I'm afraid all the hurt and anger that's building up in me is causing me to not be as good a mom as I could be. Is anyone else in a situation like this? I'm so confused because on the surface, I think most people would say we have a great marriage but I am completely miserable.


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## sunray (May 12, 2013)

Have you considered marriage counseling? Does he treat you with respect? I mean is he critical about things you do and how you act. The fact that you said you don't want him touching you or not wanting to be close with him makes me think he's hurt you (emotionally) and that turns you off about him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

There is a book called The Secrets Of Happily Married Women. I highly recommend it. And get him tested for low testosterone.


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## confused33 (Jun 11, 2013)

I have considered marriage counseling but I guess I already feel pretty hopeless about everything. It has been going on so long and he seems unwilling to change. I don't know how many times I've tried to discuss our sex life, improving our communication and many other things and he says he'll work on it but he just doesn't. He respects me for the most part. Sometimes I get the feeling that he is treating me more like a child than a wife but he always denies that. But overall, I'd say I feel respected.

The sex life problem isn't him, it's me. I'm not attracted to him. Not even a little bit. I think he's just come to kind of accept that this is how it is.


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## sunray (May 12, 2013)

Yeah that makes it tough. MC can help communicate but can't make him more attractive to you. I say divorce should be a last resort and do all you can, I still suggest going. It's you're call.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confused33 (Jun 11, 2013)

Thanks, sunray. I think you are right. At the very least I think it would make me feel better to know I did try all that I could.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

confused33 said:


> The sex life problem isn't him, it's me. I'm not attracted to him. Not even a little bit. I think he's just come to kind of accept that this is how it is.


Not the point. He sounds like might have low testosterone and that tends to make men lack confidence, ambition, leadership skills, and to be pudgy around the waist. All of which would affect your attraction to him.


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## confused33 (Jun 11, 2013)

MSP, that makes sense. Definitely something to talk with him about when the time is right. Not sure how he'll take that suggestion.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Is he an unattractive man objectively, or overweight?
What about you, do you feel that you are more attractive than he is, less attractive, or about the same?


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## confused33 (Jun 11, 2013)

Objectively I think he is an attractive man. We have both gained a little bit of weight but nothing too extreme. I'd say we are about the same level of attractiveness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sunray (May 12, 2013)

it usually has nothing to do with looks at this point. For women at least. You said he treats you like a child. My H actually said in MC that he HAS to act like my father. He said that I am a child that needs guidance and he needs to watch everything I do. BTW it was all the household chores, I'm way better with $$, he's the spender and jacked the CC up high. 

In IC I discussed this with my counselor and he did such a good job at "being my father" for 12 years that in my mind I started looking at him as a authority figure to gain approve and discipline from. Sick I know, BUT it explained why I'm repulsed by his touch and thought of him touching me. Who wants to have sex with their father?? My H is tooooo the extreme! Not all are like him and he truly does/did walk around like a father inspecting my "work" daily. I live in a prison camp. I'm currently in IC to gain some self respect. MC consists of him telling me I'm a lier and my feels are wrong because I'm to sensitive. You mentioned your H as respect for you, mine has none for me. BTW the I was a full time SAHM but now I do all that and work, that was an attempt to gain some respect in his eyes. It didn't happen but I love my job and glad I have it. 

Could this be happening to you???


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

confused33 said:


> Objectively I think he is an attractive man. We have both gained a little bit of weight but nothing too extreme. I'd say we are about the same level of attractiveness.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hate to say this, but if that's the case this sex life is on you. Let's be honest here, it isn't going to kill you have sex with this man 3,4,5, even 7 times a week. (is he a bad lover or something? that can be worked on) No marriage can survive without sex- at least in enjoyable form.

My suggestion is to fix your sex life by having sex with your husband. I would aim for 7x a week for the next year. Guaranteed your marriage and happiness will improve in this time.


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## confused33 (Jun 11, 2013)

wilderness said:


> Hate to say this, but if that's the case this sex life is on you. Let's be honest here, it isn't going to kill you have sex with this man 3,4,5, even 7 times a week. (is he a bad lover or something? that can be worked on) No marriage can survive without sex- at least in enjoyable form.
> 
> My suggestion is to fix your sex life by having sex with your husband. I would aim for 7x a week for the next year. Guaranteed your marriage and happiness will improve in this time.


I never denied the sex life thing being on me if you read my post. In fact ive repeatedly said that it IS me. But I will say that there is no way he's even thinking 7x a week. That seems pretty extreme. Especially with two little kids in the house and him working over 40 hours a week.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confused33 (Jun 11, 2013)

Thank you for your response. It seems like you get what I'm saying completely. It has NOTHING to do with his or my looks. In fact this sex thing started way too soon after we started dating. The respect thing started more after I became a SAHM. I, too, feel like he checks on me and he questions me a lot. When I confront him about treating me this way he denies it and tries to act like I am the crazy one. I honestly am not even sure he is capable of recognizing the things he does. That's why I'm skeptical of MC at this point. To be super honest I am just a really independent person and I have a hard time feeling like I'm being policed .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

confused33 said:


> Thank you for your response. It seems like you get what I'm saying completely. It has NOTHING to do with his or my looks. In fact this sex thing started way too soon after we started dating. The respect thing started more after I became a SAHM. I, too, feel like he checks on me and he questions me a lot. When I confront him about treating me this way he denies it and tries to act like I am the crazy one. I honestly am not even sure he is capable of recognizing the things he does. That's why I'm skeptical of MC at this point. To be super honest I am just a really independent person and I have a hard time feeling like I'm being policed .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you haven't had sex for a year and half, expect him to be reasonably suspicious. Just about anyone would be.


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## confused33 (Jun 11, 2013)

wilderness said:


> If you haven't had sex for a year and half, expect him to be reasonably suspicious. Just about anyone would be.


Suspicious of what? An affair?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

confused33 said:


> Suspicious of what? An affair?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes. It's perfectly reasonable for him to be suspicious, too. Consider that.


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## confused33 (Jun 11, 2013)

wilderness said:


> If you haven't had sex for a year and half, expect him to be reasonably suspicious. Just about anyone would be.


When I say "checks on me" I'm not talking about trust type stuff. I'm talking about things I do around the house - cleaning, taking care of the kids - or if I have a few drinks (at home) with a friend he checks how much I've had. Things like that. And just to clarify, he hasn't tried to initiate sex either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

confused33 said:


> When I say "checks on me" I'm not talking about trust type stuff. I'm talking about things I do around the house - cleaning, taking care of the kids - or if I have a few drinks (at home) with a friend he checks how much I've had. Things like that. And just to clarify, he hasn't tried to initiate sex either.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Not even close to worth divorcing over. C'mon, now.


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## confused33 (Jun 11, 2013)

wilderness said:


> Not even close to worth divorcing over. C'mon, now.


You are pretty rude. You don't seem to be comprehending anything I've said on here. Nor did I ever claim that was the be all, end all reason I want to get divorced. Or that I had even made a final decision about divorce. Feel free to stop commenting on my situation. You do not know me at all and responses like this are not even constructive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sunray (May 12, 2013)

I still suggest going to MC. My H refused to go and wouldn't allow me to go on my own either, i begged for 7 years to go. I had no voice in this arrangement. Finally after a huge fight which was the usually cusing me out, calling me horrific names (in front of our 7and 4 year old draughts. Btw) I told him if we didn't seek help I wanted out of this marriage. what followed that was the most terrifying fit of rage I've ever seen him have but I stood my ground(fyi the kids were nit present at this time thank God) Sometimes you have to go through drastic measures to get results. We are now in MC. 

I still say divorce should be a last resort, hit all avenues to work on it. If not for you and him do it for your kids. There are no guarantees in life, it may help it may not and you maybe to far gone but for your kids you should give all ya got.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confused33 (Jun 11, 2013)

Sunray, that sounds pretty awful and suffocating. Are you guys still married? 

I think you are right about at least trying MC. I am definitely keeping it in mind. Thanks for being so understanding.


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## sunray (May 12, 2013)

Yes we are still married but separated. An in house separation. It's very stressful but it needed to be done while we try and work on things. The best thing about it is I have my own room now. No more coercion or pressure for sex. I would perform my "wifey duties" about weekly and made my mind be somewhere else, it felt like utter violation. But we didn't have a problem according to him. He's the perfect abuser and I'm the perfect victim. I'm working on myself to gain self confidence and realize that I'm not "worthless, hopeless and a pathetic child." He has stopped going to IC. We haven't had a MC in a while because he says he no longer wants/will attend. 

I don't want my marriage to end because of the kids. They love their father and he them. The major problem is that I will NEVER willingly let him touch me again, I know there is NO amount of therapy to help with that but I'm trying none the less. 

From what you stated, counseling may help, but you'll never know unless you try. Question?? Does he know you feel this way? My H was well aware of my feels and would always say " not this again, we're fine, No we are NOT going!" I see trends that guys are blindsided by things; even though we women think "how could he not know!!"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## it is what it is (Jun 13, 2012)

Confused33, I understand completely. I could have wrote word for word what you said below:



> I dated him and eventually married him because I felt like it was a responsible decision - we wanted the same things (kids and a nice life) and were compatible. But I'm not sure I was ever in love with him. I feel terrible even considering divorce but I'm really unhappy.
> 
> One of our big problems is that we almost never have sex. Even when we were still dating we very rarely had sex. I kept thinking it would get better when we moved, better when we got married, etc. but it only got worse (of course). As of today, it has been over a year and a half since the last time we had sex. The worst part of this is that I don't even want to have sex with him.
> 
> ...


I would suggest MC very soon and if things do not change, seriously consider divorce before you go outside the marriage and hurt/disrespect him and your families. I was where you are 10 years ago and I didn’t do anything about it. 7 years later, it happened, I turned 40 and was in my sexual prime and tired of getting rejected, I cheated and found what I was not getting at home. You think you are confused now? The turmoil it caused was enough to almost drive me insane. I was selfish for being a coward and not doing something about it sooner, all it did was hurt my husband, we did MC after he found out, he did the 180 on me, 3 years later after D-day, there is no change. We are separated, but living in different areas of the house, co-parenting our kids, our 20th Anniversary was 2 days ago with not a word said to each other about it. We have not had sex in over 3 years. We are civil to each other and only communicate about the kids. Do NOT do what I did. I am sorry you feel the way you do in your life, it sucks. Good luck.


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## confused33 (Jun 11, 2013)

sunray said:


> Yes we are still married but separated. An in house separation. It's very stressful but it needed to be done while we try and work on things. The best thing about it is I have my own room now. No more coercion or pressure for sex. I would perform my "wifey duties" about weekly and made my mind be somewhere else, it felt like utter violation. But we didn't have a problem according to him. He's the perfect abuser and I'm the perfect victim. I'm working on myself to gain self confidence and realize that I'm not "worthless, hopeless and a pathetic child." He has stopped going to IC. We haven't had a MC in a while because he says he no longer wants/will attend.
> 
> I don't want my marriage to end because of the kids. They love their father and he them. The major problem is that I will NEVER willingly let him touch me again, I know there is NO amount of therapy to help with that but I'm trying none the less.
> 
> ...


Sunray, I know you didn't ask for my opinion and I don't want to seem like I am pushing you either way AT ALL. But I want to say first of all, I hope you continue to try to gain your self-respect and esteem because you seem like a great person to me just from our brief interactions. You have already helped me out immensely. I know that might sound silly but it's true. Having a sympathetic ear means the world. 

Secondly, I want to tell you something from the perspective of a kid whose parents were divorced. My parents divorced when I was six. My dad wasn't a great guy to my mom. He hurt her a great deal emotionally. When I was a kid, it definitely made me sad that my parents were divorced and I had a lot of hopes that they would get back together. That was normal. But I came to realize that divorce was the best thing for them both and for me. My mom and I have a GREAT relationship. She is my best friend. She has been the person that has provided the most emotional support to me during this time. If she hadn't left my dad, I know she would be a shell of the amazing person she is now and she and I would not have this incredible relationship. My dad has gotten a lot better. He is in no way perfect but he has made incredible growth as a person as a direct result of the divorce. Even he would tell you that. As for me, I have no idea who I would be if they hadn't divorced but I don't think the person I am now would like that person. I know I seem a little messed up in here but overall, I think I'm a good person with a decent life. Sometimes marriages break up for the best. I know not everyone believes that but it's true and I think I am proof of that. So that is my completely unsolicited opinion. Again, I'm not trying to push you either way but I just want you to know that your kids will be ok as long as they have you and they know you love them which I imagine they do.

Anyway, to answer your question, I'm not really sure what he knows at this point and that makes me feel terrible. One day I blurted out the idea of divorce and he was really hurt so I backed off of it a bit. He knows something is going on with me and I've tried to explain it to him but I'm not sure he gets it. I feel awful because he is a good man and a really good dad. I hate to blindside him like this but I also feel this need to kind of protect myself. I don't want him to know anything before I am ready which is not really the most healthy thing but it's where I am right now.


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## confused33 (Jun 11, 2013)

it is what it is said:


> Confused33, I understand completely. I could have wrote word for word what you said below:
> 
> 
> 
> I would suggest MC very soon and if things do not change, seriously consider divorce before you go outside the marriage and hurt/disrespect him and your families. I was where you are 10 years ago and I didn’t do anything about it. 7 years later, it happened, I turned 40 and was in my sexual prime and tired of getting rejected, I cheated and found what I was not getting at home. You think you are confused now? The turmoil it caused was enough to almost drive me insane. I was selfish for being a coward and not doing something about it sooner, all it did was hurt my husband, we did MC after he found out, he did the 180 on me, 3 years later after D-day, there is no change. We are separated, but living in different areas of the house, co-parenting our kids, our 20th Anniversary was 2 days ago with not a word said to each other about it. We have not had sex in over 3 years. We are civil to each other and only communicate about the kids. Do NOT do what I did. I am sorry you feel the way you do in your life, it sucks. Good luck.


Wow. I hate that you are going through all this. And what you say happened to you, is what I am most afraid of. I am terrified that I will cheat. I don't mean to say that like I have no control over myself because I do. But I am afraid my emotions are going to get the better of me and I'm going to do it. And I don't want to hurt him. I feel like he is a good person and we could have a civil separation and maybe even a friendship but not if I do something we will both regret. I will definitely start looking into MC. It is at least worth a try.


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## sunray (May 12, 2013)

Thank you for your story. I will continues IC as long as he lets me. He's in control of the $$ and anything medical as my health insurance is through his plan. 

I would tell your H ASAP about your issues. That way he can't say " he never knew. " hurt him with truth, don't comfort him with a lie. All you can do is try. Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confused33 (Jun 11, 2013)

Good luck, sunray. You should be proud of yourself for being brave enough to pursue counseling. I haven't gotten there yet. Thanks for all the advice and for sharing your story as well.


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## Leena718 (Jun 17, 2013)

Confused33, I can relate to your post. Its been a few years since my husband and I have had sex. Our marriage went sour a few years back due to neglect on both parts. We agreed to seek counseling (separately). It helped renew our friendship but I am still not attracted to him or even have the urge to be intimate with him. 
I would definitely recommend counseling as it helped both of us and was not wasted time. Whatever happens you can atleast look back and know you both tried.


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## confused33 (Jun 11, 2013)

Thanks, Leena718. I think the advice about counseling is good. I have actually been more inclined to seek individual counseling just to sort through my own feelings before I hurt my husband further with any action. It definitely wouldn't be a waste of time. 

It helps to know others have gone through this.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Confused,

There is very little chance that you will fall back in love with your husband, unless he gets really fit, gets promoted and chased by other women. There is no means of creating desire out of nothing. All you can do is buy him some self help books for him to learn how to be more masculine. Do you have the patience for some project like that?

Isn't divorce better than a loveless marriage? There are lots of divorced men to date.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Hello Confused,

Would you kindly look at LostLove's thread? His wife seems to have felt the same way. However, she began cheating after separation.

LL also refused MC

And here is a paper discussing your situation as a common phenomenon.


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## confused33 (Jun 11, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Confused,
> 
> All you can do is buy him some self help books for him to learn how to be more masculine. Do you have the patience for some project like that?
> 
> ...


I really don't think I have the patience for something like that. I'm running out of patience as it is. 

As for dating, I'm not even that concerned about being with anyone else. I just think I'd be happier on my own, with my kids.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Don't embark on something you haven't strength or intention of following through with.

Did you read the article? I would be very interested to hear your opinion of the first part of it.

People lose attraction for the mates. That is the a reality. As long as you don't cheat and end it with a divorce, then it is simply modern life. 

I did notice one thread in which a woman who had divorced her husband, I don't remember the circumstances, but she had not been in love with husband but suddenly when they were exchanging the children she realized she was in love with him. Unfortunately he had remarried or had new woman in his life. I doubt that it happens regularly.

I did notice once that my ex after she broke up with one LTBF, suddenly started calling me by a nickname that she had dropped long ago. She had a crush on me WTF? I suppose that if I had kissed we might have ended up together again. However, this was at least 7 years after we split so this whatever it was emotional seed had no soft kind dirt in which to grow.

I'll always wonder if I should done it. But still I don't wonder about it everyday.


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