# Marriage to make us complete ?



## nmc (Nov 9, 2011)

We have been together 5 years. we are in our Mid 30's We have lived together pretty much from the start. we have been through a lot of good and bad times. Between us we have 3 boys. None of which are "ours" together,We show that we can make it through anything. He has text me over the past year a few times, we need to talk about getting married. Being a woman, i sent back "ok" and waited for him to bring it up when he got home. It never happened. thats why i said a few times, cause he would wait a month or two and send the text again. so finaly one morning i said, ok lets talk. well, basically he said he wants to get married one day, he's just scared if we get a divorce i will try to take everything from him, I assured him that i would not. Which im not like that anyway... but legally, the house is HIS. but then he proceeds to tell me that he cant afford to buy me a ring. Im NOT a materialistic person, but we both know that he could afford to buy me a ring. It sounds like an excuse. I just want the "family" that i have to be complete. Im ready for us to be husband and wife. What should i do. I know that regardless i do not want to live the rest of my life "in sin" that i want to be married and have a complete commited family. after 5 years... am i crazy to want this ? does it sound like he is making excuses ?


----------



## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Call his bluff about the house and tell him that if his sacred about that then just to prove that you aint a gold digger you are willing to sign a pre nuptuial agreement so if you do get divorced whatever is his before you get married stays his if you ever break up. The big ? is why is he already focusing on the negative when the positive hasnt happened. I think you should think about what you want and if it is him that you want that life with. Also i think you should stress to him what you have wrote "is he making an excuse" and ask him if he is serious about getting married or does he just send those text to make you believe thats what he truly wants when it isnt really??
Good Luck


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If you want something he can't give, you have some choices.
- force him/trick him/cajole him to marry you despite his misgivings
- wait patiently for him to change his mind
- work amicably with him to change his mind - I mean discuss, brainstorm, whatever
- move on and find someone who WILL commit
- accept to 'live in sin' with him and forget about marrying him

I would NOT recommend the first one. Guaranteed failure there I think. The second one - since he may never change his mind, you'd have to be willing to wait indefinitely, maybe forever, therefore I would recommend the last one over that one. The third one assumes you both have it in you to be honest about your feelings, goals, intentions, what have you.

My advice would be to pick a path and then commit to it. Don't change your mind too much or you won't get anywhere - you'll be back to 'default' which is where you already are.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

nmc said:


> We have been together 5 years. we are in our Mid 30's *We have lived together pretty much from the start. *


This is the problem.... when women allow themselves to SETTLE like this, it gives the man NO incentive to step up and make anything official. He is used to the status quo now. He doesn't see anything in it for him, he sees many men around him going through painful divorces loosing half of what they own likely. ..... kinda like this thread started in the Men's Clubhouse, read the replies by men on here, this is often how they think in today's society. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/38499-male-incentive-marriage.html

.


----------



## nmc (Nov 9, 2011)

Thank you all for your replies. I have racked my brain with this the past year. I feel drained from it. and sometimes just feel that i should 'get over it" But then, i have to decide what exactly i have to "get over".


----------



## nmc (Nov 9, 2011)

SimplyAmorous- I have read some of the posts in that thread. Im left feeling that there is no hope of us getting married. What is the benefit for him... ? i get it. the only thing that i really have on my side, is that he does believe in God and understands that what we are doing is wrong and that we should be married. but "should" and "Want" are two different things. I still want what i want. if that leaves me with having to make a decision that i really dont want to then i guess eventually i will have too. as much as i love him, my eternal fate is in my hands.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you want to get married, go for it.
Be advised that a big ring isn't what's going to keep you together. It's all about the couple. Also, there are no guarantees in life.
Also, it sounds like you guys communication problems (texting about marriage? and then not talking about it cause he didn't bring it up?) Work on that.

if you guys are ready, go for it. You only get one life so you might as well do the things you want to in it, right?


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

nmc said:


> does it sound like he is making excuses ?


It sounds to me like classic fear of commitment. As for "what's in it for him" you can start with his being able to show the world the strength of his character and his commitment to you, himself and your kids. That should be worth something to him I would think.


----------



## nmc (Nov 9, 2011)

I do not care about a big ring. the only reason i brought that up was becaue i think that he uses that as an excuse. I could care less if we just had $50 wedding bands from WAL MART! I would love to just GO FOR IT... but i cant marry my self. lol. I agree about the communication problem. texting about marriage... aggravating. I think he gets embarrased talking about it face to face. i really dont know.


----------



## nmc (Nov 9, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby 
being able to show the world the strength of his character and his commitment to you, himself and your kids

thank you for saying that.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Take the family on a trip to Las Vegas. Firmly guide your reluctant man through the (relatively simple) process of tying the knot. Don't take no for an answer. Don't be afraid of a couple drinks, but don't get drunk. The only risk is to your fragile ego, no matter what you won't be any worse off than you are now


----------



## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

Fer gosh sakes, DO NOT attempt to force a renter into being a buyer. Worst error/idea EVER.

Dr. Harley has a great analogy of potential mate, renters, buyers and freeloaders. It is very concise and to the point.

So, your boyfriend is renting the car,

He drives it daily. He is willing to put enough gas into it to, and milage onto it to get him through the week.

He, once in awhile, will kick the tires and say he is thinking about buying the car. He is going to bloviate about a purchase.....but he is afraid the car will turn out to be a "lemmon".

Hems and haws, tells the dealership that he will buy it "someday". 

Don't sell yourself short. IF you want a boyfrined, by all means - love him and this life to death. If you want more, -- if you really want the "whole package"-- I am sorry....
You need to find a man who will offer it.

.....Did I say NEVER trick, force, trap, conjole or otherwise make the marriage descision for another human being. The divorce boards are ALL FULL of those type of relationships.


----------



## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

And, if he really wants to share his life and heart.. his stupid home should be involved, too.

He is afraid of "losing" something? Equity? ... big f'in deal. Without even getting divorced, I lost _$300K in equity _on my home in the last 4 years (due to the market and area forclosures.)

.........That is JUST THE WAY life goes. ( No one promised me 100% security in property values. There is no asurance that things are going to turn out the way you expect. Ever.)

Ya, lots of people got screwed, not even kissed...
BUT............
I am lucky, I get to keep and live in my home, some of my neighbors were not so fortunate...


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Modern divorce really doesn't work that way. It depends on the state and the number of years married, but any loss to the party that brings their residence into their marriage is pretty much limited to half of any increase in home equity during the marriage years. Divorce is a relatively fair process in a completely unfair world and it usually works out best for the man.


----------



## nmc (Nov 9, 2011)

I keep reading everyone's replies. Thank you all so much for your time , You guys are really making me think of everything. and THAT is why i came here and posted this. Keep em coming, I feel confident that with your help and guidence along with God's i will eventually make the right decision, for my children and I. and Even HIM.. cause if what the post says... he is just a "RENTER" to me.. then, I feel that i am keeping him from being a BUYER to someone else. I love him and want him to be happy also. if i'm not the one for him... i will accept it. our 3 kids deserve to be happy with a committed family.


----------



## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

No, some people and couples are happy buyers, some people are happy renters and some people are duo free loaders.

The problem comes in the picture when the attitudes change and one desires something more, less or nothing at all from the partner.

You are not stopping him from doing what he wants.
He is doind exactly what he wants to do. Yippie skippie.

BUT IT SOUNDS like he is stopping YOU from having what YOU want.

I don't mean this to sound mean. Accept that feelings are your feelings, they are real, and are valid.


----------



## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

TYH is right about the marriage equity/house thing.

That is not what I was talking about AT ALL, tho.


----------



## nmc (Nov 9, 2011)

DOC- the thing is.. we have been together 5 years. he KNOWS ME. I never have taken anything from anyone. He knows my honesty and that i would NEVER take his home or half of it. I know it is a legitimate concearn, i do.. but had we not been living together for so long, and have the family that we have fought so hard for. I think i would be a little more understanding to the "house" thing. I feel that i am becoming to HATE our home, becuase it feels like it is standing in the way of our complete family.


----------



## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

nmc said:


> . Being a woman, i sent back "ok" and waited for him to bring it up when he got home. It never happened.


Hmm.... that does not sound like any woman I ever knew.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

nmc said:


> DOC- the thing is.. we have been together 5 years. he KNOWS ME. I never have taken anything from anyone. He knows my honesty and that i would NEVER take his home or half of it. I know it is a legitimate concearn, i do.. but had we not been living together for so long, and have the family that we have fought so hard for. I think i would be a little more understanding to the "house" thing. I feel that i am becoming to HATE our home, becuase it feels like it is standing in the way of our complete family.


nmc,

it's not a legitimate concern. there is nothing about the house to understand on your part, your man needs to understand fairness and responsibility. no one is asking him to give away anything he already has. he is imagining risk that doesn't really exist. fear is what is standing in the way of your goals and the antidote for fear is love

a lot of men have an attitude of entitlement that shows itself when they think about property and marriage, i know i did. but closer inspection and rational though will show that the legal system is basically fair if you understand their rules


----------



## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

Hmmm. :/

Forget the house, fer now. It is bricks and mortar, and it sounds like an excuse -- (believe me, when you find Mr. Right he will absolutely INSIST that marriage is a good idea.)

...funny thing about those menfolk, sometimes you can't blast an idea out of their heads.

_I am more convinced that your needs are not being met, nor validated_ -- by YOU. 

There is nothing wrong with wanting to co hobitate, nothing wrong in the single life....nothing wrong with married life. Heck, I've done two of these three....

But when one part of a couple's needs are _desperately different _from the others...

..lemme go check the sign aboove the door...< stop, stomp, stomp..stomp,stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp, stomp.>

Yup, you came to a LETS TALK ABOUT MARRIAGE forum.

So I'm thinking there must be a reason. You sound like you love the guy. I am sorry for this conflict, but *THAT CONFLICT* is your best friend- if you chose to pay attention to it.

I can explain that better later.


----------



## nmc (Nov 9, 2011)

Sorry i was MIA for the weekend, Cant read and respond at home. I feel terrible about even being on here without his knowledge. i did however read the responses. and have thought about this all weekend. so much that i didnt even enjoy my weekend. i felt anexity most of the time. I guess the reason is, Im down to the wire. Trying to decide so many things. Number one... if we never marry, I cant see my self ever finding anyone else that i want to be with for the rest of my life. I love HIM and i feel like leaving him to look for someone else who will give me a married life... i would be settleing... which is what i feel like im doing now anyway. but atleast im with the man that i love. I do feel that my feeling are not taken into consideration. I'M JUST CONFUSED !!


----------



## nmc (Nov 9, 2011)

Unhappy2011 said:


> Hmm.... that does not sound like any woman I ever knew.


I dont want to feel like im FORCING HIM... i want him to WANT the married life. He brings it up... so i figured i would let him discuss it on his own time. ( since i thought he was moving in that direction) with the texts. But after the 4th or 5th text of saying it.. i then thought ok, maybe he WANTS me to bring it up. so i did. and all i got was a bunch of (excuses) and now we havent talked about it since.


----------



## nmc (Nov 9, 2011)

So I'm thinking there must be a reason. You sound like you love the guy. I am sorry for this conflict, but *THAT CONFLICT* is your best friend- if you chose to pay attention to it.

I can explain that better later.[/QUOTE]

Meaning... if he doesnt get with the program... i should leave and trust that God will bring me to the right person.. that MAY make me happier ? 
I just dont want to make a huge mistake and end up miserable.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I just dont want to make a huge mistake and end up miserable.


End up miserable? Where are you right now? How much worse can it get than where you're at?


----------



## nmc (Nov 9, 2011)

well, Im not miserable with him... IM happy with him. other wise, i wouldnt be wanting to marry him. what i meant by that is... im ready to take the next step in my life... lets say that i leave him.. I get over him prob a year, then i start to date, well who knows how many men i will have to date before i find the right one... just say 2 years... THEN, i would need to date the man for a period of time to know if i want to be with him and vice versa.. say we get married after a year or 2 of dating.. thats already 5 years from now, then it may turn out that i dont like the man anymore and then im miserable... LOL. I know thats a lot of what ifs and analyzing, BUT like i said, im confused and this is all getting/ making me crazy haha.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

nmc said:


> well, Im not miserable with him... IM happy with him. other wise, i wouldnt be wanting to marry him. what i meant by that is... im ready to take the next step in my life....lets say that i leave him.. I get over him prob a year, then i start to date, well who knows how many men i will have to date before i find the right one... just say 2 years... THEN, i would need to date the man for a period of time to know if i want to be with him and vice versa.. say we get married after a year or 2 of dating.. thats already 5 years from now, then it may turn out that i dont like the man anymore and then im miserable... LOL. I know thats a lot of what ifs and analyzing, BUT like i said, im confused and this is all getting/ making me crazy haha.


What you want (with him) requires his cooperation. You need to decide if you want to wait for him (and he may never be there) or move forward toward what you want.

In 5 years you could be kicking yourself for not acting sooner and investing more of your time for nothing.

What if's are a part of life. They're what makes life an adventure. You can plan and plan and control and control, but life has a way of thwarting your best made plans. What you think you want may not be whats best for you at all.


----------



## nmc (Nov 9, 2011)

TRUE !! my 5 year plan up there could turn into a 10 year plan, then ill really hate myself. Thanks for saying that... so now back to the drawing board... to leave or not to leave.... gotta do some heavy praying tonight.


----------



## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

What I mean is...listen to yourself. That conflict can be your best friend...because it is telling you something is wrong. That conflict, that feeling you can't ignore, guess what?
If you fight it, ignore it, bury it or just do not deal with it... You are not helping yourself.
I am not saying leave him.. Forget changing him, wont work. But you can focus on yourself and what you want.

Do you feel you want this relationship more than him?
Do you feel this relationship means more to you that him?
There might be an imbalance of power here, that may be causing your distress, not. The marriage issue...., but what the heck do I know?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chelhxi (Oct 30, 2008)

Would you be willing to move out? Then you could find out if he actually wants to marry you or not. Maybe he just needs some motivation. If he still has excuses, he's not the one to marry.


----------



## nmc (Nov 9, 2011)

Chelhxi-
I actually did move out last april, i stayed gone for 3 months. in those 3 months, he called me everyday, begging me to come home. Saying that we needed to get engaged asap. ( now it feels like he said those things to make me come home ) in that 3 months Our children were very hurt and upset with us being apart. It took a toll on the relationship between all three of our children and him. they were all mad at him. I stayed gone to really make sure I was what he wanted. eventually i came did go back. Repairing the relationship with the children towards hom was rough. but we got that under control now. so moving out again, to make a statement prob wouldnt be good for the kids. since i have already taken that route.


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

You should have lived separate until he was ready to get married. You moved back too fast!


----------



## nmc (Nov 9, 2011)

Southern Wife- You are right. i did move back too fast. at the time i thought i did good staying away as long as i did. esp since everyone involved was completely miserable and it had taken a toll on School grades. I felt guilty. period. and i made the wrong decision for our future.


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

How long have you been back living together again?


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

nmc said:


> Chelhxi-
> I actually did move out last april, i stayed gone for 3 months. in those 3 months, he called me everyday, begging me to come home. Saying that we needed to get engaged asap. ( now it feels like he said those things to make me come home ) in that 3 months Our children were very hurt and upset with us being apart. It took a toll on the relationship between all three of our children and him. they were all mad at him. I stayed gone to really make sure I was what he wanted. eventually i came did go back. Repairing the relationship with the children towards hom was rough. but we got that under control now. so moving out again, to make a statement prob wouldnt be good for the kids. since i have already taken that route.



You have 3 kids with him? OY.

Well here's the deal. He's comfortable. You left once...only for a short time and gave into him and came back. Shouldn't have done that. Now you are there on HIS terms, not yours AND his. He won't take your leaving seriously... he's already seen he can have his way if he whines enough for you to come back. He'll uses the children as leverage to pull on your heart strings too if necessary.

I think you should give up on marrying him. If he wanted that with you, I would think by now, especially after 3 children he would have asked. When a man knows what he wants, he goes for it. There's no waiting. There's no long drawn out thing... he goes for it full speed ahead because his heart is telling him SHE'S THE ONE.

Maybe one day he'll surprise you with a proposal. Who knows? If you're determined to stay with him though, you're going to have to let go of your dream and expectation of taking this to the next level. He's not ready, and he may never be.


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> I think you should give up on marrying him. If he wanted that with you, I would think by now, especially after 3 children he would have asked. When a man knows what he wants, he goes for it. There's no waiting. There's no long drawn out thing... he goes for it full speed ahead because his heart is telling him SHE'S THE ONE.
> 
> Maybe one day he'll surprise you with a proposal. Who knows? If you're determined to stay with him though, you're going to have to let go of your dream and expectation of taking this to the next level. He's not ready, and he may never be.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

Let go of wanting to get married so bad and just be happy BEING with him and the kids. Isn't that enough?


----------



## nmc (Nov 9, 2011)

The kids are not "ours" 2 are mine, 1 is his. the youngest of the three has been raised by ONLY him as a father.


----------



## nmc (Nov 9, 2011)

southern wife said:


> :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:
> 
> Let go of wanting to get married so bad and just be happy BEING with him and the kids. Isn't that enough?




Thats what im trying to figure out. will just living like this be enough forever. IDK.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

You can't force his hand on this. Like I said earlier, a man who wants to be married GETS MARRIED.

You have to choose to stay whether that happens or not, or leave because your principles and values are more important. All kinds of things play into this... the kids, your culture, your extended family... I really do understand what you're feeling. I forced the issue with my son's father and we got divorced 3.5 years later. I got pregnant and told him I wasn't going to stay with him with that child if we weren't married. I would have left and just did the single mom thing. He gave in, and we destroyed one another. He was angry with me for forcing him and in turn made me suffer for it by staying out with friends all night, cheating, treating me like crap. I was hurt by his actions. My pregnancy wasn't happy and pleasant, I almost miscarried one night up arguing and fighting with him about where he had been. When our son was about 2, I had an affair. I had hurt and I wanted him to hurt, and at the same time, feel good about myself. Like I said we destroyed one another.

I'm telling you this because it was so important for me to be married then I didn't see past that to notice HE wasn't the marrying kind. He's never remarried, we've been divorced now about 16 years and we still can't stand each other. We didn't respect each other and what we each really wanted back then. We had our own agendas. Rather than leave and find someone we were more compatible with value wise, we tried to put a square peg into a round hole.

I'm very happily remarried. My husband and I met and married in 6 months. I don't recommend that for everyone, but for us... we KNEW that we were likeminded and wanted to be married.


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

nmc said:


> Thats what im trying to figure out. will just living like this be enough forever. IDK.


I didn't say or mean "forever". I just meant "for now". He seems to want you there with him, married or not. Is that not enough? Why does there have to be that piece of paper?


----------



## nmc (Nov 9, 2011)

Southern Wife- i have asked my self that question, but this is how i feel. To me, its not just a piece of paper. Being married is tieing our selves together as a family, in the eyes of God. He will no longer be just my Boyfriend. He will be my husband. 
on the other hand, it being just a piece of paper... then why not that piece of paper. ya know.


----------



## nmc (Nov 9, 2011)

Thank you all so much for taking your time to conversate with me on this issue. everyone has made valid points and gave me a lot to think about. Not saying that at this point i know what im going to do, but i feel that hearing all of your responses, has made me think of things that i hadnt thought of before.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

In order to have what you want you have to be equally yoked. If you were, he'd understand that spiritually you want to be bonded to him and your relationship recognized and blessed in the eyes of God. 

He's not ready. Spiritually or otherwise.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

And not to add to any horror stories, but I have a friend right now who felt exactly as you did. Well they married... by her persistance and threats to walk. Fast forward, they have 2 kids together (toddlers) and she wants to punch his face in daily. She actually has grown to hate him. I don't know all the issues, but it was clear before marrying him that he wasn't her life partner. He wasn't ready for her or her vision for a family and life together. 

She wanted God to recognize their relationship too. So badly she couldn't see that this man wasn't the man God really wanted for her. She settled, and now she's miserable. They don't even share the same bedroom anymore and she's become very bitter and angry that she did this to herself and her kids.

If he wants you, he wants you. He'll present himself exactly in the way you want... he'll understand your need because he has the same need.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Do you want to get married to him or not? 

Cause that is what it boils down to. Cool avatar by the way


----------



## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

:/
I don't blame you for wanting to get married. The heart wants what the heart wants.- no shame.

Can you co habitate happily any longer? What, exactly are his WORDS when he talks about marriage?
You may have just caught-'cha one of those famous 'boy-men that are aplently around, now-a-days.


----------



## nmc (Nov 9, 2011)

Doc- i think we could co habitate happily together forever if i got the thought of marriage out of my mind completely. His words differ depending on his mood and who he is talking to. but i think i know what your saying about a boy-men... i do believe that could be the case.


----------



## nmc (Nov 9, 2011)

Jellybeans- yes i do. and Thanks


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

I think you've been playing this "dance" with him long enough. You've moved out and then you came right back. Nothing has changed. 

I think it's time to make a stand, ask him *nicely* about his thoughts on getting married, since he's mentioned it several times already. If he's still not ready, and you are.....then move on. If he's ready and admits it, then you'll be planning a wedding soon enough. But YOU need to stand your ground no matter what he says. Be ready to close the chapter in your lfie, if that's what it comes down to, and move out.....for GOOD! Either way, stop this "dance" and get down to the business of it.


----------



## nmc (Nov 9, 2011)

Southern Wife- You are right. I know you are. thats what i would eventually have to do anyway. Now, i just gotta find the strength to actually DO IT.... providing that i get my heart broken.


----------



## nmc (Nov 9, 2011)

well, i had the talk. and now our relationship seems to be on the rocks. not doing so well. all i got were more excuses and now i feel that he is unhappy or "scared". im terrible at making huge decisions, I hate change, i hate moving. But i guess something has got to give. Not will to give up just yet. but if things dont get better i guess i will have to brake up my family yet again, but be strong enough to do it for ever and not just a little while. i will have to move on. 

Thanks for all of your insites on this. the road i am giong down, i have to take control of it. im just scared!


----------



## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

What, exactly is he telling you? What are his words?

What are you afraid of? I know you care for this man, but to what extent are you cheating yourself?

I am afraid that when "the one" comes along in his life, he will marry her. I have seen that played out. I read quite a few "men's only" sites, you would be shocked how many times this issue has come up (the "I really must love "X" and not "Z" because I was with "Z" for years and did not marry her. -- It must have been fate. It must have been God's will.. It must have been... blah, blah.)

But, what do I know?

It seems obvious that he is in the drivers seat in this relationship, and is not interested in handing over any control to you.

"The person who cares less in a relationship has the most control?"

That works for some people, does not in others. You have to decide what will work for you.
Do not settle. Do not settle for any less than what you want.


----------



## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

Do not be scared, it is time to grow up. He is probably a good person, you sound like a really good person.
Does not mean you guys are compatable, or have the same desires in life.
You can not force him to marry you, (THAT IS THE BIGGEST DISASTER!!) he can not force you to "go steady" with him forever.

Sometimes people grow up and apart. You gotta love yourself the most, and respect what you want. Why are you scared?

Your gut nervousness is your best friend. It is telling you that something is not right. You have to decide what that feeling is about. You have to decide if you can live with it (and him) or not.

There are men-men out there who will give you all.


----------



## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

Man, from the way it sounds you would think the man is not wanting to give up having affairs. Just answer these questions: 1. does he make you happy? 2. Is he responsible and accountable? 3. Do you LOVE him? Marriage is not the end all be all. Besides, you say he KNOWS you. I'm sure many a man here thought they KNEW their wives before things went south after marriage. And vice versa. People all over the world live in "sin" quite happily. Having the option to leave without ties may not be such an awful thing. And this idea of living in sin, what is that about? Were the people prior to the advent of marriage living in sin? No, it's called living. He obviously has some life experiences (child from prior relationship), so he knows his fears, and if you're willing to lose someone that does great things for you besides this one thing, shows that your head is in the whole idea of getting married and not into having a great relationship.


----------



## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

We are not talking about taking sides. or convincing nmc about the pros and cons of matrimony. We are talking about her life and her standards for living the way she wants to.

Every (healthy) person in the WORLD has some set of standards and dealbreakers for relationships, --I am not here to tell her what hers are or should or shouldn't be. 

AND - I will not shame nor chastize her for having boundries. 

If she decides she is happy "as is", or rethinks her position about finding this man as marriage material,-- fantastico! 

But she seems to be here for a reason.

(P.S. From what nmc is saying, on #2 he is a "fail"- at least for her.)


----------



## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

Well NMC, leave this terrible man. Go out, test the waters, find a man that you can compromise on his shortcomings, but is willing to marry you, then fade into existence. If it means that much to you. And not saying this is a definite, but its possible. Think about your true happiness and where it comes from. The grass isn't always greener


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

This reminds me of what happened on the Bachelor last week, forget the ladys name , she was a beautiful blonde....it came to the Producers attention.... by someone in her hometown that she was still in love with her boyfriend, was living with him before the show...they even talked to him personally...

..... they called her in to talk to her.... what she really wanted was MARRAIGE...but what she had was a man she was in love with who would never commit to her....and this was HER SOLE REASON for applying for the Bachelor ....hoping to find a new love...to get "over him". 

BUt as they questioned her, it became very clear she was still in love with her boyfriend....... so she had to go, she told Ben... she was crying so hard, I felt bad for her predicament......she cried all the way home because she felt hopeless again, going back to an unfullfilled dream.... she was so very lost.


----------



## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> This reminds me of what happened on the Bachelor last week, forget the ladys name , she was a beautiful blonde....it came to the Producers attention.... by someone in her hometown that she was still in love with her boyfriend, was living with him before the show...they even talked to him personally...
> 
> ..... they called her in to talk to her.... what she really wanted was MARRAIGE...but what she had was a man she was in love with who would never commit to her....and this was HER SOLE REASON for applying for the Bachelor ....hoping to find a new love...to get "over him".
> 
> BUt as they questioned her, it became very clear she was still in love with her boyfriend....... so she had to go, she told Ben... she was crying so hard, I felt bad for her predicament......she cried all the way home because she felt hopeless again, going back to an unfullfilled dream.... she was so very lost.


Ok, that show is stupid in and of itself. Because they build up these women with fantasy dates and unrealistic expectations. Forgeting what real life has in store when the dust settles. No more being whisked away in a helicopter for lunch atop a volcano. Just stupid. Anyhow, it goes to show that some women just want marriage, doesn't matter to who or what they offer their life, as long as someone puts a ring on that finger. Marriage should be discussed when both agree that is the right step to take, not when one party is pushing it down the other's throat. And it should never be used to threaten either, because now all you have is a disgruntled SO. Just let it come naturally. He obviously isn't going anywhere, so why push the issue? And to those saying he is thinking ahead with a negative, well, look at the stats, its a very possible negative. Who wants to give up all the assets they worked hard their whole life to attain for a comfortable life? Just enjoy yourself with this man, he'll do it when he's ready, and if you're ok with forcing someone's thought process, you can live with that guilt when he marries you unwillingly. But don't worry, he'll tell you he did to spare your feelings, build resentment and then possibly leave you over it.


----------



## nmc (Nov 9, 2011)

mikeydread1982 

I hear what you are saying, and agree with you to some extent. Allthough, i do not ever want to force him to marry me. at the same time, telling me he wants to, and then never doing anything, ITS BEEN 5 YEARS... it's just talk. and if that is the case, then he should be honest and quit telling me one thing and doing another. he is forcing me to be in a relationship with out a real committment. thats "half ass" if you ask me. i have been there for this man through EVERYTHING. we have built our life together. everything that WE have is just as much mine as it is his. he FOR SURE did NOTHING on his own, to have the life that we have. However, I would NEVER take anything that is his legally. im not like that. and he knows that. I have already started purchasing a place of my own now. so now, if we were to get married, there is no problem. my children and I have a place to go. people rent it from me now, so im not losing anything by doing this. but i did it so that he would understand, i would NEVER take anything from him. with all that being said, I do not ever want to feel that if he married me it would be out of me forcing him. i can not live with that. i know one thing, you can not take your house, your car, or your money to Heaven. and I want to make sure that i am living as close as possible to the way God wants me to. I am trying to change my life, for me, for my children, so that i can do what God wants me to do. I am not living correctly, according to god. as i get older, i realize more and more of how important it is for me to do that. I made the mistake of moving in with him before we were married anyway. let me stop im rambeling.... you get my drift.


----------



## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

This reminds me of a recent article in Slate. It says women today have absolutely lowered standards for companionship. It talks about college educated, carrer minded ladies - who in the past always wanted an older, more sucessful partner are now accepting less and less from thier prospective mates.

(It used the example of long term unemployed males having/finding NO LACK of available career women to house, feed and care for them.)

I saw it in some of my friends, but I thought it was just my view. I am not saying NMC's SO is a non worker, but there seems to be a sense of entitlement out there.

NMC should stand up for what she wants. If your SO does not want a commitment, and it makes you unhappy, find someone who will. 
Even if prince charming does not appear right away, you would at least then have a CHANCE to find him.
Because there is 0% possibility that you are going to find your long term relationship with a quality partner while living with your boyfriend.


----------

