# Dazed and Confused..help?!



## love is messy (Sep 21, 2010)

First of all, I want to say that I’m so happy I stumbled across this website. Reading everyone’s stories make’s me feel better in a sense that I don’t feel alone in my problems, but also sad b/c there is just so much suffering out there. It’s kind of depressing. Ok so let me just dive right in. 

My husband and I are both 25 yrs old. We married 2 yrs ago. We’ve been together off and on for 8 yrs (since we were 17). When I fell for him, man did I fall hard. Our senior year in high school was perfect, we were each others first loves, we did everything together, etc, etc. Then he got a football scholarship to go to a school out of state. His mom was raising 3 kids on her own, so he had to take the scholarship. During the first year it was really hard for the both of us, we even talked about getting married so that I could move up there with him, but eventually we were talked out of it by his grandmother. Being 19 and in college and a long distance relationship..it like ok obviously he’s a guy and wanted to experiment. He wasn’t ready for a commitment like that so we started dating other people. He dated A LOT and I dated some. But we would still talk and everytime he came home for holidays or summer, we always were together. 

It was weird b/c it was like he was my boyfriend when he was here, but then as soon as he went back to school just did whatever he wanted. So we did this for 3 years. Eventually toward the end he started dating a girl that he was really starting to like. I was also dating someone, but again nothing serious. I always knew that my heart was with another man, my true love, and no other guy ever came close to him. So it’s 3 years later and I was starting to get really depressed thinking I was really losing him, he was moving on, so I decided to get away and “start over”. I applied for some flight attendant jobs and got hired, I was all set to leave, I was going to move to another state, and just “start over”. Really try and move on from him. *Well then something happened that changed our lives forever.*

He came back for spring break. We got together one last time thinking it was the last time we might ever see each other. We knew it was over. So we got together for one night only. 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I knew it was his b/c I was not sexually active with other guys. When I say that I knew I loved him, I really did and for me that meant that I couldn’t share that intimacy with someone else. But he was with someone else. This girl practically lived with him, she was in love with him and he was falling for her. He decided to do the “right thing” and leave her to be with me and raise our child together. Well that was 4 years ago and I just recently found out that he has been communicating with her this entire time. She lives out of state so they haven’t seen each other, but have emailed and talked.

It’s really come as a shock to me, b/c I knew that he really liked this girl, but I had no idea he felt this strongly for her. He told me that he really tried to stop himself from thinking about her, but he just never could. He tells me that he loves me and he has all he ever wanted with me and he doesn’t understand how he could risk losing it all to be with her. He knows that he cares deeply for her and she for him, but b/c that haven’t made plans to “be” together, it’s really fear of the unknown. He is scared to lose both of us. He is thinking what if he leaves me for her, and it doesn’t work out with her, and he gave up a wife that loves him unconditionally.

B/c the sad sad thing is that I do love him so much and I never stopped loving him. 
We have been separated for almost 2 months now and have been going to counseling. *I just feel like he doesn’t want to let her go, but he won’t let me go either*. And the more I talk to him about the more saddening it gets for me b/c I feel like the reality is that his feelings for her are not going to change. If they haven’t changed in 4 years, despite the time and distance, then they aren’t going to change in 6 months or even a year of us being separated. 

Do I just have to accept the fact that he probably is not in love with me and hasn’t been for a long time? It feels like his only reasons for hanging on right now and not just getting a divorce are out of his own guilt and shame. If he was really in love with me, then it wouldn’t be this hard for him to choose- would it?

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. I don’t want to give up on my marriage, he’s all I’ve ever known as far as love, but I don’t want to be with a man that I give my all to and he doesn’t give it back. I gave up so much for him, I supported him, I did my very best to be a good wife and mother. Why is he keeping me dangling? He knows it, that he’s keeping all of us in limbo. He knows he has to make a choice, but I’m scared of what his choice will be….can a man really love 2 women? Or is it just that he loves me but is not in love with me? He’s mentioned to me a few times that he feels like if he just went on a plane to go see her, if he just saw her in person he would know. B/c talking over the phone is obviously different. But I feel like “hell no!” that’s just like sending my husband off into another woman’s open arms. What do you think??? B/c I’m really torn up about that…is that the only way that he’s really going to be able to know who he wants once and for all?? 

If you made it through all of this, I applaud you. I’m going to be posting some letters on here, bc I really need some outside interpretation. Please just tell me what you think! I know I am just blinded by love. I know that I need to wake up, but it’s sooooooo hard. I don’t want to let go.

If your heart is breaking too, I’ll leave you with this quote for now. It’s from the movie Sex and the City.

“When will I ever laugh again?” asked Carrie.
“When something is really _really_ funny.” Replied Miranda.


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## truebeauty (Jun 25, 2010)

I can't imagine going through what you are going through. I can relate to the separation and in my honest opinion I think you should let him go. It is maybe the toughest thing you will have to do but it is his issue to deal with. You cannot be in love with two people. I am sure that he loves you but he might be in love with her. I'm sorry to have to say this but maybe it is what is best. It is a gamble as to whether he will return to you but can you live your life with this man when he is with you based on guilt or shame? Resentment on his part can form from that and maybe down the line he will leave because of that. I think he has to sort HIS issue out himself, it's not anything that you did wrong. Again that is just my opinion as I am faced with a similar situation (minus the other woman). I had to let my boyfried go and hope for the best. Good Luck!


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## love is messy (Sep 21, 2010)

Thank you so much. I feel better just knowing that someone responded. I think you are right. The only way for him to know is to be with her. I feel sad b/c I feel like he's going to figure it out eventually, but by then it will be too late. But then, I guess that means I'm better off without him. I also feel that during this seperation I havent really let him be, because every week I break down and call him and we end up talking for hours on the phone about our feelings, realationship, etc. It's to the point where its emotionally draining, and we are just going to cirlces. Thanks for reiterating to me what I already knew, I just need to let him go..so much easier said than done


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## truebeauty (Jun 25, 2010)

I understand that and I am sorry that it comes to this situation for you. Trust me I know it is a very hard thing to do as I just had to do the same yesterday. I can also relate to conversations that ultimately turn emotionally draining. Taking some time for yourself can help you realize things like this. I really hope it works out for the best and he comes home to you, but if not you deserve someone who will give you their whole heart. (I try saying the same thing to myself, I know it is hard)


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