# being tuned in to eachother during sex



## wife&mama (Jun 12, 2010)

I don't know if I'm looking at this from a typical woman's perspective and just have this romantized vision of what a husband should be tuned into during sex or if something is off in my marriage so I'm here to get other peoples perspective on this. 

In my head, I see sex as a time that husband and wife come together to be one person. To be as close to eachother as can be (although I also realize that sex is also a stress reducer and sometimes you just need some as a way to release tension). 

I used to see sex as soley for orgasming and that was what I would work to do during sex. Whatever I had to do/think of to get there was what I would do, and then when I was finished, it was my husbands turn. It was time to repeat the process. Whatever it took. But then I realized that there wasn't really any intimacy. Instead of being a time of sharing something together that is shared with no one else, it was just a purely physical act. And I didn't like that. It felt so empty. So I've changed. Instead of looking to outside stimulation (like movies, scenes from past movies, fantasy stuff) I am in the moment with my husband. And it is so much better.

The problem is, I think that my husband is looking more and more to outside stimulation instead of me. We used to go outside once in a while because it drove him crazy and was seen as something *special*. But now it seems like it's something that's needed. It seems like regular sex is not enough for him. And that scares me because I feel like when something is only external, the person needs to push the boundaries more and more to get the same effect. Like drugs. At first you only need a little, but later you need more and more. 

Should I worry that hubby needs to think of fantasies, porn, outside stim. to have a full sexual experience? By full experience I am talking about orgasm. Is this just how men are built? Or is there more to it that I should voice my concerns to him about?


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I don't see it as something for you to voice *your* concern about, but more so as an opportunity to get him to open up and voice his concerns. I think I would resent what you describe very much, but there may be a reason. Get him to share what he needs from you. It might just be a little variety. In the meantime, you can be working on him. This movie will teach you how to get the spark back into your relationship. Rent it. Watch it. Follow the principles. Then get the book, The Love Dare that accompanies the movie.

I do wonder what the two of you are missing that you need outside stimulation and wayward thoughts for and during relations. I realize you say you stopped, but you are/were both that way and the reasons are still there. Fireproof and The Love Dare will help tremendously with that, and you need to learn each other's Love Language. I think if you are *into* each other throughout the day, you will be *into* each other at night. You may have stopped the fantasies and extrinsic stimulation and tuned in to him during sex, but you haven't tuned in to him if he still needs to bring the outside into your bed. So, work to improve your relationship and also get him to open up. You open up as well.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

wife&mama said:


> The problem is, I think that my husband is looking more and more to outside stimulation instead of me.
> 
> Should I worry that hubby needs to think of fantasies, porn, outside stim. to have a full sexual experience? By full experience I am talking about orgasm. Is this just how men are built? Or is there more to it that I should voice my concerns to him about?


I'm wondering about this too. It seems like the guys who don't feel they get enough just want to have more sex. ANY kind of sex. But guys who do get enough, all of sudden it's not enough anymore and now they need variety (porn, a threesome, whatever).


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## quartz (Jun 13, 2010)

Hi there,
My wife and I have been married for 25 years (arranged marriage). When we first started having sex it was all about my pleasure totally. I didn't realise that a woman has intimate needs too. I didn't know what a female orgasm was. I only touched her intimately or kissed breasts entirely for own gratification. As time moved on I started stimulating her clitoral area prior to intercourse. I always ensured that she orgasmed before penetration aswell. Initially I never hugged her after sex but after some months when I engaged in foreplay I started becoming really clingy to her and we would do a lot of pillow talk.
I definitely tuned into her down the line but I too do have fantasies about her being intercoursed by another man etc. I have learnt (through female forums) that I should be careful about revaling all my innermost desires!
Our sex life is over now due to my ill health but thanks for sharing.

Quartz.


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## wife&mama (Jun 12, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> I do wonder what the two of you are missing that you need outside stimulation and wayward thoughts for and during relations. I realize you say you stopped, but you are/were both that way and the reasons are still there.


Would you include fantasies with the wayward thoughts? Or are fantasies different? Or maybe it depends what the fantacies are? For example, if a wife was fantasizing about being in a threesome with other men rather than her husband, compared to that same wife fantisizing about her husband making love to her on a beach at night. The first one seems very wayward and damaging, while the second seems perfectly fine. I guess I'm confused on this because it seems some in the pop. would say theres nothing wrong with the first one since it's just a fantasy. But why does she need to think of other people to bring her to ultimate pleasure? 

I believe I used to be that way because I used to have the wrong idea of what sex in marriage is for. I used to believe it was (of course for being close to you mate) but mainly for physical pleasure. So I figured as long as you are physically there with your H it's fine. But I now see that sex is for H and W to give all of themselves to the person they love and married as well as closeness, pleasure, intimacy. 

I have read The Five Love Languages,The Love Dare, seen Fireproof (with H) but didn't finish the Book  I'm going to go back to finishing it.


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## wife&mama (Jun 12, 2010)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> I'm wondering about this too. It seems like the guys who don't feel they get enough just want to have more sex. ANY kind of sex. But guys who do get enough, all of sudden it's not enough anymore and now they need variety (porn, a threesome, whatever).


I'm understanding more and more that it's a mental thing with most men. Unfortunately, and this is a BIG UNFORTUNATELY, the porn industry and really messed guys up mentally. For most guys, porn movies have been there only sex guide and so they grow up with this warped sense of sex. They think life is or *should* be like the movies, and that the movies are the norm for most people. So this is what they want and feel they should be allowed to have. Sad, sad, sad.

I have a lot of talking to do with my H since I believe most of his problems with this are for the same reasons. Hopefully I'll get him to see what sex between man and wife was designed to be and he'll start to see that he can have a completely furfilling experience with all that trash out of the way.


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