# NEEED ADVICE. This is the 4th time SHE has done this to me.



## shorty123 (Jun 23, 2011)

I NEED ADVICE PEOPLE!

My wife and I have almost made it 7 years! I've been so excited this year. We were married very young. I was 20 and she was 19. Now, I'm 27 and she is 26.... Still NO kids. We were high school sweet hearts and have been IN LOVE for a long time. 

During the beginning part of our marriage, we were typical college kids, except married! Lots of school and work to pay the bills. And alot of immaturity in how we treated each other. But, we continued on. I hurt her by always hanging with the guys and she always cried. In year 3, I learned that for about 8 months she had been texting, excuse me, SEXTING one of our greatest friends. There was NO physical contact, but she was pretty much IN LOVE with this man. I had no CLUE. At the same time, she was sexting another guy that she met out of town... Again, no physical contact, just PICTURE after PICTURE of her nude and talking about sexual things. She was BUSTED! I confronted both my friend and my wife. They were crushed, so upset for what they had done. So upset for hurting me and going behind my back. I also contacted the other man whom i had never met.... he seemed to be genuinely sorry as well. 

My wife and I then went to counseling together and then my wife went alone and we went together again after that.... We began to really work at our marriage. Treating eachother with kindness, considering each others needs.... ect. We really grew and matured.... It was awesome. She had another slip up, but I caught it early. No SEXTING, but just too many texts and I knew it would lead to danger. She apologized and was upset with herself. I think she even went back for a few counseling sessions. But I was thankful, I caught it early. 

Its been 3 years now and I would've told you 5 days ago that our marriage was as strong as ever. We are totally in love and happy. We've been thinking about having kids. You name the attributes of a great marriage and we have them going on!

BUTTTTT, hold the phone. I just learned 2 days ago that she has been SEXTING again with someone. I confronted her. She fell to pieces. She has sent nude photos and had very sexual conversations for about 3 weeks. My heart feels like its just been ripped out of my chest! Because of what I do and who she SEXTED with.... My job is in jeopardy. I will have to make a SIGNIFICAN change in my job, maybe even have to move on to another location.

Of course, she is torn to pieces as well. She wants to get help. She is scared to death.... I love her with my whole heart. She is my best friend. She has never PHYSICALLY cheated on me, but this is the 4th guy she has began an inappropriate relationship with..... I don't know what to do. 

Alot of me wants to stand by her.... help her get help and move on once again. But I know that I am risking her doing it again.... maybe next time we will have KIDS.

Then some of me is completely exhausted from all of this TORTURE. We have no kids.... I'm 27 years old.... And I could just go and start over. Get a divorce and move on. 

but then again.... I love her. It's like 99 percent of the time she is literally my best friend. We have a great relationship.... we're both happy.... then.... that ONE percent creeps back in.

ANY ADVICE?!?!?!?! I'm desperate.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I will put it to you this way:

1. 



shorty123 said:


> In year 3, I learned that* for about 8 months she had been texting, excuse me, SEXTING one of our greatest friends*. There was NO physical contact, but *she was pretty much IN LOVE *with this man. I had no CLUE. .


2.



shorty123 said:


> At the same time, *she was sexting another guy *that she met out of town... Again, no physical contact, just PICTURE after PICTURE of her nude and talking about sexual things. She was BUSTED! I confronted both of them. _They were crushed_, so upset for what they had done. _So upset for hurting me and going behind my back_. .



3. 



shorty123 said:


> My wife and I then went to counseling together and then my wife went alone and we went together again after that.... We began to really work at our marriage.* She had another slip up*, but I caught it early. No SEXTING, but just too many texts and I knew it would lead to danger. _She apologized and was upset with herself_.


4. 



shorty123 said:


> Its been 3 years now
> 
> BUTTTTT, hold the phone. *I just learned 2 days ago that she has been SEXTING again with someone.* I confronted her. _She fell to pieces. She has sent nude photos and had very sexual conversations for about 3 weeks_. ].





shorty123 said:


> Of course, she is torn to pieces as well. She wants to get help. She is scared to death.... I love her with my whole heart. She is my best friend. She has never PHYSICALLY cheated on me, but* this is the 4th guy he has began an inappropriate relationship with*..... I don't know what to do.


You say you don't know what to do. Really? Because I see it this way... you can either keep doing what you have been doing your entire marriage (forgiving her and taking her back with zero consequences) and expect the same -- her feeling sad/upset/crushed/torn to pieces ... and then a REPEAT OF THE SAME behavior. It's a pattern. She is a serial cheater.

And now your job is in jeopardy because of her actions. I don't know what she did to put your job in jeopardy or who the guy was cheated with (please explain more of this to us) but apparently her deception and betrayal is now affecting your professional life.

So ask yourself: do you want to stay in a marriage with someone who has zero respect for you? Or do you want to cut your losses an dmove on?

You can't help someone who refuses to change their bad behavior. She has had chance after chance after chance after chance w/ zero consequences.

She does not respect you at all. 

You say it wasn't physical but to me it's just as damaging since there were nude pictures exchanges.. with several men over time, especially one that was your own friend and now one that is effecting your professional life.

DO NOT GET HER PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

personally, it would have been stike three a while ago.

but if you want to work on it, get back into counseling. there is an obvious need she has and you aren't filling it. find out what it is.

and everything she does needs to be an open book. her phone, computer, everything. no secrets. 

you have given her chance after chance and she is now trained that there is no consequence to her actions. you have to draw a line in the sand and let her know she is out of chances.


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## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

She's not getting something she needs from you. (That's a reflection on her, not you.)

She's not your friend. She keeps betraying you. She's screwing with your job prospects. Friends don't do that.

She's a serial cheater.

You don't have kids yet. Imagine this happening again and you do have young kids. You are nowhere near as stuck as you will be.

Get divorced before you have kids. There's nothing worse than trying to reconcile with a serial cheater because you have young kids.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I will put it to you this way:
> 
> 1.
> 
> ...


:iagree: what she said.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

My therapist always reminds me, three times constitutes a pattern. Your wife is getting into her late 20's, personality is formed. Neither of you are kids anymore. She says she's sorry and reacts apropriately when caught, but...bottom line is, she goes on to do it again, even with a lapse of time in between. She must have known she was putting your job in jeopardy with this latest one, and yet she did it anyway. My opinion is that even if she really does love you, she's not capable of acting on it. 

You're really lucky--you're young, no kids. Things are much, MUCH less messy that way. I know you've invested a lot of time into this relationship, but look where it has brought you. I'd wish her all the best and be heading for the hills.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Crocodile tears. She's 'torn up'? bull****.


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## Kricket (May 10, 2011)

She is not afraid of losing you because you keep forgiving her for her actions. She gets involved in a sexting relationship and you continue to give her more chances. She is not going to stop unless you change the stakes and issue an ultimatum. 

It is possible that she will never change even if you threaten to leave. 

I agree with the other posts, do not have children with this woman until she can without a doubt prove her loyalty.


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## LaBella (Mar 9, 2009)

She need counseling for Sexting and both of you might need counseling to repair the marriage if that is what you want, but really she need to have consequences for her actions. If you need to pack up and move out then go ahead and do it, maybe a shock of that kind is what she needs for her to get her act together and realize that she has and ADDICTION to sexting.

No privacy for her anymore and seriously thing about leaving for good before any kid comes around. And before you get her pregnant get her into an ADDICION counseling


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

You don't need advice. You need balls and some respect for yourself.


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## shorty123 (Jun 23, 2011)

Part of my problem with leaving is that I've had my own slip ups. 

Every time she has "slipped up", she has been "caught". 

I have not.

When everything came out on her at first with my friend and the other random guy, I was crushed. I had been going to a massage therapist for over a year who had always heard our stories, the ups, downs, ect. Of course, she heard about all of this and I guess sympathy kicked in and the massages ended differently after that. 

I say "sympathy", you say "SICKO!".... whatever. it happened several times. Of course, my wife doesn't know about it, at all. 

So, my guilt of that in my life makes me think to myself, "who am I to leave her?" She never got PHYSICAL with anyone, but I laid on that table and let something happen to me. 

I'm not capable to really point the finger knowing that I have done something wrong before, but just wasn't "CAUGHT"

It was years ago, but still it happened more than one time.... There was no Intimacy or anything... whatever, I'm not gonna sit here and try and justify what I let happen. It happened, I was wrong. My wife has been wrong.

WHAT NOW?!?!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok well he just opsted in his other thread he also cheated on her with a massage parlor girl a few times as well as hooked up with another lady but he's never told her this.

I say, he needs to tell her. STAT. It may actually be the axe she needs in order to experience the betrayal and see how this is hurting and end her cheating ways even if they do/do not end up together.

*TELL HER TODAY THAT YOU CHEATED TOO.*


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## shorty123 (Jun 23, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> as well as hooked up with another lady but he's never told her this.
> 
> 
> I got drunk at a BAR and I went to the CAR with the girl, we got in her car. She got a condom out.... And when I saw that I just couldn't go thru with it..... I literally got out of the car and left. Pants were never unbuttoned or anything.... I know I'm trying to Justify, but I didn't hook up. The massage thing was a mistake for sure. And your right, she deserves to know.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok, so you didn't have sex with bar girl. But the intention was there, it went as far as her getting a condom out & you being isolated in a car w/ her with your wife not there. It's cheating. You also DID cheat with the massage lady. 

I am telling you to tell her because 

1. If you can't own your OWN actions then you are a hypocrite to your wife
2. She deserves the truth. Every day you conceal this, your marriage is a lie and 
3. Once she experiences betrayal for herself, IT MAY JUST BE THE TICKET for getting her to see how f-cked up what she is doing is! 

Get it???


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## shorty123 (Jun 23, 2011)

I get it.

And I guess thats why I don't have the "balls" to leave according to PIT of my Stomach.... OR "no RESPECT for myself."

I know I've messed up. I've been shown grace and mercy by God, I guess. So, why shouldn't I do the same for her?

This sucks.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well PIT said those things to you BEFORE you admitted to having cheated on her too.............

It DOES suck but I firmly believe you should tell her.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

shorty123 said:


> I get it.
> 
> And I guess thats why I don't have the "balls" to leave according to PIT of my Stomach.... OR "no RESPECT for myself."
> 
> ...


I didnt say anything about balls "to leave", you did. Is that what you want? 

I did say you have no respect for yourself, because you don't. Your wife does NOT respect you, as a result maybe you see your self worth through her eyes? I don't know, I do know none of this is going to disappear, your W is a serial cheater and something is broken in her. I don't have any idea if that can be fixed, the only scenario where it can be will take an amazing amount of strength from you. I do know that before you even think about trying you had better consider "fixing" yourself. 

You sight God as a source of grace and mercy in your life, I applaud you for wanting to extend those blessings to your wife, she will need them later. But, right now you need to pray to god to give you strength and conviction to do what you and your wife need you to do if your going to have any chance of saving her or your marriage.


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## shorty123 (Jun 23, 2011)

PIT, when u first made the statement I literally was thinking that you hit the nail on the head.... 

For some reason, I responded about Balls to Leave her. I see now, that is not what you meant. Regardless, I was agreeing. lol.

I don't know if I WANT to leave. When I look at the cell phone bill.... yes, I want to leave. Over 25 pictures, 10 of them NUDE according to her and hundreds of TEXTS through a 1 month time period. The more I know, the more I'm DONE. The more I analyze the cell phone bill, seeing when she was texting, knowing I was in the other room or at my work, or whatever..... I literally could explode. 

It's killing me. 

But it killed me before. And our marriage after was better than ever... But here we are again. It's killing me. But I know we can move on from it and get healthy again....

But the question isn't will she do it again? It's can I handle it again? Will there be kids in the picture next time. I want kids. We've been kinda trying... You know, no protection, no birth control.... but not really intense like some couple are. We were gonna start getting intense on these next 2 cycles. That was her plan and how she wanted it. 

But I guess thats a NO GO. 

God has taken me back over and over again. It's what I believe, its what I base my whole life on. So, why shouldnt I take her back over and over again? Loving her even when I know she will betray me again. 

She knows and believes she has a problem and is going to go to counseling. She knows that if we stay together, I will always have her cell phone bills and access as well as any other accounts..... and her with me too. 

But, people always find something they can control when everything is taken from them. I can take away all of her freedoms, but what will she find to have for herself after I do that?


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## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

If you love and care for her, then you don't want her in this marriage like this where both of you are unsatisfied and cheating. If you love and care for yourself, then you don't want this marriage where both of you are unsatisfied and cheating.

And sure as hell, your unborn kids do not deserve parents who cheat on each other. Is that what you want to teach your kids?

Leave, fix your problems, find a new woman, have kids.

OR

Stay, fix both your problems, then maybe someday think about kids.

Most importantly: Be honest to yourselves and each other. Tell each other everything. Fix yourselves. If your marriage happens to survive, that's great, but that shouldn't be the primary goal.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

*I will have to make a SIGNIFICAN change in my job, maybe even have to move on to another location*

Why would u have to move or change jobs?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

shorty123 said:


> ...But it killed me before. And our marriage after was better than ever... But here we are again. It's killing me. But I know we can move on from it and get healthy again....
> 
> But the question isn't will she do it again? It's can I handle it again?


You answered the question, without a doubt if you just let her get away with cheating and nothing changes it WILL happen again. Why should you have to tolerate that? You say your marriage is better, well then why not put up some boundaries let it be better but without all the pain of infidelity brings? Though I guess some guys are fine being a cuckold(?)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You will never have an honest relationship as long as you never tell her you cheated on her yourself and if she keeps up her antics. Why would you have to change jobs??? What did she do that is tied into your job???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"God has taken me back over and over again. It's what I believe, its what I base my whole life on."- I admire the strength in your realigious belief, but how long are you going to give her a free pass based on your religious beliefs. God doesn't have to put up with her immoral behavior- YOU DO! Let me ask you this- If it wasn't for your belief, would you have thrown in the towl? For once, think about this from a human perspective withou it being clouded by religious beliefs.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

You have no reason to be out there on your own in pain and ignoring what you did and giving her grace. You have no grace to give. Your as bad as her. Counting the number of times doesnt matter. In fact you are worse, you went physical. Hers is an Ea with pictures you self righteous .... face the music and tell her. Then if BOTH of you want to, you can try.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In my opinion its all about consequences. Take the cell and give her one with no texting.

Its all about prevention...I think

She needs tough love so take her drug away. It sucks you have to treat her like a child, but you want to work this out with her so do it on your terms.

The reality is they don't want to be controlled, but the behavior proves other wise. It sucks but when your chick continues with this behavior and you want to be with her but not tolorate it then its time to take charge and it will be her choice to tolorate your behavior or leave.

Sometimes we just have to set boundries...the walls that protect us from more pain.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Forgiveness doesn't mean endless toleration of bad behavior. It doesn't mean you cease demanding respectful treatment for yourself. You aren't dealing with someone who occasionally "slips up". Nobody inadvertently composes and sends emails. You are aware of four offenses. You likely are unaware of scores, maybe hundreds, perhaps thousands. You are dealing with a pattern of chronic, unremorseful disrespect and intimacy violations. People can do to you only that which you permit.


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## jsmith (Nov 1, 2009)

unbelievable said:


> Forgiveness doesn't mean endless toleration of bad behavior. It doesn't mean you cease demanding respectful treatment for yourself. You aren't dealing with someone who occasionally "slips up". Nobody inadvertently composes and sends emails. You are aware of four offenses. You likely are unaware of scores, maybe hundreds, perhaps thousands. You are dealing with a pattern of chronic, unremorseful disrespect and intimacy violations. People can do to you only that which you permit.


:iagree:


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

jsmith said:


> :iagree:


For every rat you see - there's 50 more. She didn't make a mistake, she has a character flaw.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

If you really care about someone, you don't betray them. Think about it.

She doesn't care.

Pack her bags. Tell her its over. Move on. It will be hard. Let her go. She will be shocked because up until now she's got used to you accepting her wholly unacceptable behaviour.

Once she is suitably in shock, the 'let them go' treatment will be the quickest way to get her back on your terms.

She's the cheater several times over. She isn't showing you any signs of real remorse. Phoney tears and words but her actions speak louder, 4 times louder!

You love her and because of that you have put up with her unacceptable cheating. She is violating your mind, body and soul. These sextexts and the men looking at her nude pics are everywhere in your home, car, restaurant, gym everywhere she goes with her mobile. On tap 24/7. 

Imagine having your wife send nude pics to other men to gawk at whilst you sit and think you are with someone decent. She's destroying you in a slow, cruel, wicked way. Her actions are calculated and cold. No feeling as to how her mate would feel. It's croc tears and you need to turn that around, fast.

She needs to learn the hard way. 

Stop being Mr Niceguy. 

Shock her into action. If it doesn't work, she isn't worth it since she will continue to do this until its too late for you and your self esteem, your happy disposition is at rock bottom and depression could creep up on you. At 27 you can easily find someone better and she should know that, if not now then pretty soon. 

She is not 'present' in your relationship whilst she does this. It is mobile porn and she's the star, for the moment. How long will you tolerate it? It's your call. Take the lead. Call the shots on your terms, otherwise it will be hers and you will be broken hearted, if not already.

Man up to the difficult task that lies ahead. No-one needs to put up with a cheater's lies and sense of self worth when in reality, they really have none since it takes strength to confront issues in a marriage. Confront her and do it on your terms. 

Sorry to be blunt. It is now about self preservation for you since you say it feels like torture....again.

She also leaves herself wide open to blackmail. Just remember that all these nude pics are sitting on a server somewhere for others to see too.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

And disclose your own horrible behavior! She may already suspect or know and be doing this as revenge. You both need to come clean. You are being more deceiptful than she is. It can't be repaired untl complete honesty is restored - including yours! It's only a massage therapist "I did not have sex with that woman" BULLSH!T


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think you sould show her grace and mercy, and tell her why you are.


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