# Never done this before but I am desperate for help and guidance



## Goddess7

I never thought that I would be going through a separation with the love of my life. I married the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I never saw this coming but I had a feeling it was... not because it was a toxic relationship or anything in that nature but because there was a disconnect. I sometimes wonder if all of this could have been avoided or if there was something we could have done differently. My Husband ended things with me because he does not want to have any children. I saw ourselves raising a child together and living in this big beautiful house with our two pets and beautiful baby girl or boy. But he did not see that in what was suppose to be OUR future. He said that he does not want to share me with a child... that a child will interfere with the things he wants to do in life like travel, explore, and live spontaneously... that a child would change us and get in the way. Truly, I understood his perception. It made me second think if I wanted a child because he is right... It does interfere with everything. Honestly, I became neutral after reflecting and thoroughly thinking about this topic. I am at a head space where if I am meant to have a child then so be it. If not, than it is was it is. I don't want to force things, I don't want to plan anything. I want to allow God and the universe to do whatever is meant to happen in my life. Regardless.... this is my life right now and I am in so much pain.


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## bobert

If you're not dead set on having kids anymore and taking a "if it happens, it happens" approach, then why are you divorcing over him not wanting kids?


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## DownByTheRiver

Goddess7 said:


> I never thought that I would be going through a separation with the love of my life. I married the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I never saw this coming but I had a feeling it was... not because it was a toxic relationship or anything in that nature but because there was a disconnect. I sometimes wonder if all of this could have been avoided or if there was something we could have done differently. My Husband ended things with me because he does not want to have any children. I saw ourselves raising a child together and living in this big beautiful house with our two pets and beautiful baby girl or boy. But he did not see that in what was suppose to be OUR future. He said that he does not want to share me with a child... that a child will interfere with the things he wants to do in life like travel, explore, and live spontaneously... that a child would change us and get in the way. Truly, I understood his perception. It made me second think if I wanted a child because he is right... It does interfere with everything. Honestly, I became neutral after reflecting and thoroughly thinking about this topic. I am at a head space where if I am meant to have a child then so be it. If not, than it is was it is. I don't want to force things, I don't want to plan anything. I want to allow God and the universe to do whatever is meant to happen in my life. Regardless.... this is my life right now and I am in so much pain.


What did you two decide on this subject before you decided to get married? Did he tell you then he didn't want them and you thought you'd change his mind? I mean, I'm sure you must have talked about it because it's too major not to before marrying.

I'll tell you this for sure. You should never foist a child on anyone who doesn't want them. If you do, you're not thinking about the child's welfare. I think you know that. 

If he told you before marriage no kids, then I think you need to tell him to get a vasectomy and drop the subject and do what you agreed to. If he didn't, you can either divorce and find someone who wants kids or stay and not have kids and not ruin the relationship afterwards by having big resentment about it. If you're going to resent it, that will just destroy the relationship more slowly instead of leaving right now.


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## Mr.Married

^^^^what she said .....exactly


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## Diana7

What did you decide about children before marriage?
Can you live with not having children?


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## Openminded

If he absolutely doesn’t want a child, I don’t think he could stay with you unless you absolutely didn’t either. And it doesn’t appear that’s where you are.


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## Goddess7

bobert said:


> If you're not dead set on having kids anymore and taking a "if it happens, it happens" approach, then why are you divorcing over him not wanting kids?


 Hi. So I am not divorcing him because he does not want kids. He wanted to separated because he feels that he is taking that away from me.


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## Mr.Married

This is one of those issues that is just about completely unable to be resolved. There is no good answer.


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## Goddess7

DownByTheRiver said:


> What did you two decide on this subject before you decided to get married? Did he tell you then he didn't want them and you thought you'd change his mind? I mean, I'm sure you must have talked about it because it's too major not to before marrying.
> 
> I'll tell you this for sure. You should never foist a child on anyone who doesn't want them. If you do, you're not thinking about the child's welfare. I think you know that.
> 
> If he told you before marriage no kids, then I think you need to tell him to get a vasectomy and drop the subject and do what you agreed to. If he didn't, you can either divorce and find someone who wants kids or stay and not have kids and not ruin the relationship afterwards by having big resentment about it. If you're going to resent it, that will just destroy the relationship more slowly instead of leaving right now.


Yes, we had this conversation before marriage. He had expressed that he did not want any children but that he is open to the idea of it. He did not completely disregard the idea of having children. In fact, throughout our whole marriage we had open conversations about children. He entertained the idea of children. We even picked out names, spoke about how we would be as parents, and where we would want to raise them. I would never force anyone to have a child with me. I am not even ready to have a child right now. I have so much I need to do and accomplish before even thinking about bringing a child into this world. Therefore, he made the decision of wanting to separate over a premature topic. You're right, if he feels dead set on not wanting children then he should get vasectomy. He wants to separate because he truly feels that he is taking this away from me. The way he went about it was so damaging to our relationship that I do not know how we can fix this. This all started in January and by March, He had already moved ME out and got me my own apartment. My life changed in a matter of two months. By April, he wanted to rekindle our relationship but by May, he decided it wasn't going to work out because he needed to work on himself. By june, he started dating again... All of this has been nothing but a mess. We had such a healthy relationship, I never saw this coming. This has to be deeper then just a damn kid.


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## Openminded

That he very soon began dating tells you all you need to know. Your choices are sit around and hope he changes his mind some day or move on and rebuild your life the way you want it to be.


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## DownByTheRiver

Goddess7 said:


> Yes, we had this conversation before marriage. He had expressed that he did not want any children but that he is open to the idea of it. He did not completely disregard the idea of having children. In fact, throughout our whole marriage we had open conversations about children. He entertained the idea of children. We even picked out names, spoke about how we would be as parents, and where we would want to raise them. I would never force anyone to have a child with me. I am not even ready to have a child right now. I have so much I need to do and accomplish before even thinking about bringing a child into this world. Therefore, he made the decision of wanting to separate over a premature topic. You're right, if he feels dead set on not wanting children then he should get vasectomy. He wants to separate because he truly feels that he is taking this away from me. The way he went about it was so damaging to our relationship that I do not know how we can fix this. This all started in January and by March, He had already moved ME out and got me my own apartment. My life changed in a matter of two months. By April, he wanted to rekindle our relationship but by May, he decided it wasn't going to work out because he needed to work on himself. By june, he started dating again... All of this has been nothing but a mess. We had such a healthy relationship, I never saw this coming. This has to be deeper then just a damn kid.


I'm really sorry you're going through this. I think he has one foot out the door and it's probably not ALL about kids. You know, he really should get a vasectomy, because the way he's dating around, one of those women is going to oops him either on purpose or from carelessness. There are ways, poke a hole in the condom, say you're on BC and stop, etc. I sure wouldn't stay put if he's dating around, honestly. His mess will become your mess. 

Again, it would be natural to have resentment, but resentment will erode the marriage (and even his guilt might) even if you try not to express it. It just will. 

If you wait until you're ready to maybe have kids, it will be too late to find a new husband if you stay married until then. Of course, you could have one on your own, but what a struggle. But you have to realize, if he doesn't want one, even if he gives in, the odds are that he will not be much help and it will seem like you're a single mother. That happened to a friend of mine. She chased a man down (bad choice too) and decided to have a kid right then before he was ready, and he didn't lift a finger to help all those years except to keep the job he'd had all along. As long as she was staying home and he was working, he didn't help with anything, the kids, the errands, the school, the housework. In a few years, she went to work against his wishes so he'd have to and he pitched in a little on the house, but just saying the resentment will run both ways and come out in passive-aggressiveness like that a lot of times. 

You might find another guy. Only you really know. But a new guy won't be ready for commitment for a while nor a marriage and baby because those things should take time.


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## jlg07

I think based on what you said the "no kids" and "wanting YOU to have your freedom to have kids" is a HUGE red herring.
He wanted to be single, and probably already had someone in his sights when he started all this, sorry to say.


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## Goddess7

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm really sorry you're going through this. I think he has one foot out the door and it's probably not ALL about kids. You know, he really should get a vasectomy, because the way he's dating around, one of those women is going to oops him either on purpose or from carelessness. There are ways, poke a hole in the condom, say you're on BC and stop, etc. I sure wouldn't stay put if he's dating around, honestly. His mess will become your mess.
> 
> Again, it would be natural to have resentment, but resentment will erode the marriage (and even his guilt might) even if you try not to express it. It just will.
> 
> If you wait until you're ready to maybe have kids, it will be too late to find a new husband if you stay married until then. Of course, you could have one on your own, but what a struggle. But you have to realize, if he doesn't want one, even if he gives in, the odds are that he will not be much help and it will seem like you're a single mother. That happened to a friend of mine. She chased a man down (bad choice too) and decided to have a kid right then before he was ready, and he didn't lift a finger to help all those years except to keep the job he'd had all along. As long as she was staying home and he was working, he didn't help with anything, the kids, the errands, the school, the housework. In a few years, she went to work against his wishes so he'd have to and he pitched in a little on the house, but just saying the resentment will run both ways and come out in passive-aggressiveness like that a lot of times.
> 
> You might find another guy. Only you really know. But a new guy won't be ready for commitment for a while nor a marriage and baby because those things should take time.


Thank you. You are absolutely right. I am in no rush to have children and do not expect to meet someone to immediately get married and have children. I understand that this is a process and no women or man should have kids with just anyone. When it comes to resentment, I hold some resentment towards him already because I feel so abandoned by him. I feel even more resentment because he's already dating. It makes me question his love, loyalty, and compassion towards the situation. His excuse is that his solitude is driving him crazy and leads to thinking about me so dating other women keeps his mind busy. Nothing but excuses. All around, this is just so ****ed up and I did not deserve any of it. We had a healthy relationship. My first healthy relationship and I never thought this would happen or even saw this coming. I did not expect this from him at all because he treated me so good. with so much respect and kindness. I guess love is not enough to be with someone.


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## Openminded

That’s the most BS excuse from him that I’ve heard in a very long time.


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## DownByTheRiver

You never really know someone until they're not getting their way about something. This is a big "something," so you're seeing his limitations. It's certainly not unusual that men go right out and date immediately after a breakup of any type. If they can, they will. They don't want to be without sex. The thought frightens them. So they see if they still got it and sometimes it's done before they make any permanent decision about the ex, or in this case separated wife. If he wanted to completely work through this in an orderly fashion, he would not have done it. That's why I think he maybe wasn't as committed or invested as you to begin with. 

I like that he said he doesn't want to hold you back, but that can just be words. He's going to run into this again, and next time, the woman may just do it anyway. I didn't have kids, on purpose, and it wouldn't have been easy for me to anyway, and I do know a couple of long-term couples in my old old crowd who chose to not have kids. More women than men want kids, but it's not a big margin. Men don't have to be in any hurry about it either. 

Always remember for your own self that even if you miss the fertility window, you can always adopt. My friend adopted her junkie half-sister's baby, one of a few she had. I mean, you get just as invested.


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## Openminded

And, no, love absolutely doesn’t solve problems — it creates them more often than not.


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## Goddess7

Openminded said:


> That’s the most BS excuse from him that I’ve heard in a very long time.


I agree. Such ********. This whole situation made me see a side of him that I never knew existed. How can you love someone so deeply but see other people? I cant even picture myself dating anyone right now because of the level of love, commitment, and loyalty I have. But most of all, respect for myself. How could I ever take him back and try to work on our marriage after this?


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## Goddess7

DownByTheRiver said:


> You never really know someone until they're not getting their way about something. This is a big "something," so you're seeing his limitations. It's certainly not unusual that men go right out and date immediately after a breakup of any type. If they can, they will. They don't want to be without sex. The thought frightens them. So they see if they still got it and sometimes it's done before they make any permanent decision about the ex, or in this case separated wife. If he wanted to completely work through this in an orderly fashion, he would not have done it. That's why I think he maybe wasn't as committed or invested as you to begin with.
> 
> I like that he said he doesn't want to hold you back, but that can just be words. He's going to run into this again, and next time, the woman may just do it anyway. I didn't have kids, on purpose, and it wouldn't have been easy for me to anyway, and I do know a couple of long-term couples in my old old crowd who chose to not have kids. More women than men want kids, but it's not a big margin. Men don't have to be in any hurry about it either.
> 
> Always remember for your own self that even if you miss the fertility window, you can always adopt. My friend adopted her junkie half-sister's baby, one of a few she had. I mean, you get just as invested.


I hear you. I know that it is not unusual for men to move on quicker but I refuse to accept that because if the love is that deep, genuine, and pure how can you go about being with another women? It is mind blowing to me and disgust me. No one who genuinely and truly loves someone wont jump to the next person in such a short period of time. I feel disrespected and unvalued as a women and it hurts so much


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## Stillphotenic

No matter what decisions are made in the past or present the word that resignates with me is your pain. 
the pain of living separated and also thinking separately from your spouse no matter the acceptance of “it is what it is” can be so unbearable! How are you getting through the pain? 
I feel like at times when being separated from the one we love we focus more on them then we do our selves. And we do this naturally! If I could offer anything is that I can relate to your current pain and I hope and pray you are finding healthy ways to deal with the pain. 
If you haven’t , Give your self some grace and take it hour by hour.


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## Goddess7

Stillphotenic said:


> No matter what decisions are made in the past or present the word that resignates with me is your pain.
> the pain of living separated and also thinking separately from your spouse no matter the acceptance of “it is what it is” can be so unbearable! How are you getting through the pain?
> I feel like at times when being separated from the one we love we focus more on them then we do our selves. And we do this naturally! If I could offer anything is that I can relate to your current pain and I hope and pray you are finding healthy ways to deal with the pain.
> If you haven’t , Give your self some grace and take it hour by hour.


Thank you for your kind words. Its been tough re-creating my life after co-creating with my soon to be ex-husband. Love shouldn't hurt this much. It should feel beautiful and blissful. This separation has been really hard on me because I was so INVESTED. When I love, I LOVE and I love him so deeply that I am losing sight of my own self-worth and value. I know that I am an incredible women and have so much love to give but he dimmed my light and I am just trying to figure out how to turn my light back on. I am so grateful for my support system. I am surrounded by so many people who love and care for me but I feel so alone and empty. I honestly don't know what I would do without my small circle of friends, my therapist, my dog, and my strength (when its there because sometimes, I feel so damn weak). Honestly, I am allowing myself to feel all of these emotions... The sadness, resentment, anger, the fear, the loneliness, and anxiety because I know this is part of the process. I know that it will get better with time. I try to keep myself busy with work, the gym, yoga, meditation, hanging out with friends, eating good food, going away, and spending as much time with nature. I am trying and I would be lying to you if I told you that this easy because its far from it. I cry every day and every time I think of all the beautiful moments we shared. I keep holding on to our memories and all of the great things we've done. This is what makes it so hard. I just want my peace, happiness, and sanity back. I want all of this to be over.


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## DownByTheRiver

Goddess7 said:


> I hear you. I know that it is not unusual for men to move on quicker but I refuse to accept that because if the love is that deep, genuine, and pure how can you go about being with another women? It is mind blowing to me and disgust me. No one who genuinely and truly loves someone wont jump to the next person in such a short period of time. I feel disrespected and unvalued as a women and it hurts so much


It's about sex. A whole lot of men are at least as attached to sex as they are to the person in the body. There are certainly exceptions, but a some of them just don't love that deeply. Seems like it because they love sex and that's when they're all lovey. But they can move that over to another person.


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## Goddess7

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's about sex. A whole lot of men are at least as attached to sex as they are to the person in the body. There are certainly exceptions, but a some of them just don't love that deeply. Seems like it because they love sex and that's when they're all lovey. But they can move that over to another person.


I guess that's what make men so different from women because I cant just have sex with anyone. I need to have some level of emotions towards the person I am giving myself too. I cant just have sex with anyone and still be in love with someone. It just doesn't make sense to me. But regardless, I have to let this go and keep going because it is killing me inside just thinking about the man that I love so much giving himself another women..


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## TXTrini

I'm sorry you're in this situation, Goddess7. You have every right to feel abandoned, I mean who the **** announces a separation, moves his wife out, and immediately starts ****ing around? That line he fed you about "doing it for you" is his attempt to neutralize the **** smell and come out smelling like roses. 

He didn't even have the balls to divorce you, just separate and move you out. WTF?! Even if you didn't both have such irreconcilable life dreams, you dodged a missile here. The way he's gone about things is callous and unfeeling, so much for loving you sooooo much and not wanting to share with a kid.

I think you are doing the best thing, feeling and processing the pain and getting help. Surround yourself with people who truly love you and heal. You're not ready for children yet anyway, so do the things you want to do now and work your way to a happier life.

Good luck, hon.


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## CatholicDad

The good news is that you escaped him. He’d probably be a crappy father that wouldn’t bond to a kid either. With him it’s all “me, me, me”. Sorry. I wouldn’t assume all men are like that.. some are just immature 🤷🏼‍♂️


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