# Lonely



## SoStrong (Dec 25, 2012)

OK I have a problem that I'm sure many of you wouldn't feel is a problem. I was hoping for a mans point of view to see if I am being unreasonable.
Here goes....My husband finished college and got his "dream" job at the age of 45. 
Now he works constantly. He picks up OT left and right. He even picked up a 24 hour shift today....who does that? Volunteering to work on Xmas day? He keeps telling me that he's doing "all this for me" but I keep telling him that money isn't everything. 
He thinks I'm being a nag and doesn't understand how much he's hurting me by never being home and I feel he'd rather be at work than with me. I try to talk to him about it and he just brushes me off like my feelings are stupid. YES I know he loves me but it gets very lonely out here away from family & friends. I live an hour away from them. Even when he is home he's usually sleeping because he's so tired from working.

When he had his other job before he went back to school he would move heaven and hell to spend time with me...now I feel like I don't matter anymore.

How do I get him to understand that I would rather have him around than all the money in the world. I even offered to get a job but he told me no because with his work schedule we would never see each other. HELP!

Sorry if this seems to be rambling I just have so much bottled up that it's pouring out in a jumbled mess.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

How have you gone about telling him? Straight up works best for me. I don't take hints or innuendo well - I actually need the whole instruction manual. If his old job was terrible, and his new job is exciting AND paying well, then he might be lost in the feeling of accomplishment. As shallow as it sounds, getting a good job that pays a good wage is a great confidence booster for a guy - makes you feel more important, desireable, worthwhile. It is easy to see why a guy might over-indulge in that. 
One thing might be to try and make plans to break his cycle. Set something up (preferably with some small reservation fee) so that if he changes his schedule for overtime not only will he be turning you down, he would be "losing money". Emphasize the positives of the times that you DO get to spend together and how much more you want of that. If it is the excitement and ego-stroking of the job that has him hooked... hook him "elsewhere".


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## SoStrong (Dec 25, 2012)

Thanks for the advice ET1SSJonota. His new job is full of excitement and fulfilllment. He's in the medical field. So thank you, you made me realize that could be the case it isn't about not wanting to be with me at all. THANK YOU.
I have made plans but he'll forget and schedule time so I just give up...it's easier to not plan than to feel like crap because he forgot it was important to me.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

I think you should still try to do something. I am glad if it helped to make it seem not a rejection of you, but that doesn't fully take the sting away. I think an important part of how you approach this be that you approach it in a positive way. The nagging comments tell me anything negative he will dismiss because of all the "new positives" he is outweighing it with. Work on showing him what you value more with positive feedback and wishes for more of it.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

So... when he moved heaven and earth to be with you before, how did that work out?

One possibility is that he didn't get the connection with you back then that he hoped and now is more connected to, and gets more fulfillment from, his job than he does with you.

In any case, maybe you shouldn't be there for him. When he tells you he is working OT, tell him you aren't staying home and plan to go out. You can go to a movie or a library but no need t tell him in advance. If he thinks it's OK for you to go out alone and he doesn't care, it tells you a lot about your relationship.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

How long has this been going on? 

It sounds like he is excited about his new career. If it hasnt been going on too long, I would let it go. The new will wear off. 

If it keeps going on too long, you need to be more firm.

In the meantime, get some hobbies. I was single for 10 years (did have relationships sometimes) and learned to have hobbies and spend time alone. Although I didn't always like it, it did benefit from it by learning to make myself happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

SoStrong said:


> OK I have a problem that I'm sure many of you wouldn't feel is a problem. I was hoping for a mans point of view to see if I am being unreasonable.
> Here goes....My husband finished college and got his "dream" job at the age of 45.
> Now he works constantly. He picks up OT left and right. He even picked up a 24 hour shift today....who does that? Volunteering to work on Xmas day? He keeps telling me that he's doing "all this for me" but I keep telling him that money isn't everything.
> He thinks I'm being a nag and doesn't understand how much he's hurting me by never being home and I feel he'd rather be at work than with me. I try to talk to him about it and he just brushes me off like my feelings are stupid. YES I know he loves me but it gets very lonely out here away from family & friends. I live an hour away from them. Even when he is home he's usually sleeping because he's so tired from working.
> ...


I am going to assume you have remained faithful to him in every possible way. And based on that assumption I hope you continue to do so.

My advice is to sit him down and tell him that it's getting time for him to make a choice- you or the job. Tell him that if he can't, or won't, bring you back into the equation then you want to go have a life with a man and if it's not going to be him then so be it. Tell him you will NEVER betray him, but will divorce him soon if this is the way life will continue to be.


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## SoStrong (Dec 25, 2012)

I have remained faithful to him. We did have a talk and we're working it out....it's not going to be smooth sailing but marriage isn't smooth all the time so this will just make us stronger.
Thanks for the advice.


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