# In over my head, wife wants a new man.



## Esteban (Feb 10, 2013)

Let's see... where do I begin. We've been married 14 years and together for 16. We did get married a little young at 22 and started having kids shortly thereafter. We've had our ups and downs, as every marriage does, but nothing this major. Without all the back history of my wife's divorced parents, abusive relationships and all the other cruft, our mess started a little over 2 years ago. I knew in my gut something was wrong and it turned out that she had placed a dirty online ad and was having a digital affair with a guy that lived just a few miles away from us. I demanded I see all the emails and she obliged. It sounded an awful lot like there was intent to meet and "see where it went" although they never did. The end result was that she ended the relationship and we moved forward. It took a while to regain trust but eventually I stopped worrying about what she was doing online.

Next scenario started in August just 5 months ago. My wife has a chronic illness that keeps her in bed most days. She happened to go into remission at the beginning of this situation which led her, at least in part I think, to what eventually happened. She reconnected with an ex boyfriend over Facebook. They started communicating, innocent at first, until at some point he broached the subject of whether or not she still thought of him and if she was happy in her marriage. It was about then that her self esteem shot up and suddenly she felt excited and wanted again. Needless to say the "harmless" flirting escalated until I eventually found out that something was wrong. The entire time she was lying and telling me that I was awesome and that I had nothing to worry about. That she was just helping a friend. I ended up getting involved mid-December before it turned sexual. According to her they never went beyond 2nd base although she really wanted to.

Since then we've been all over the map as far as emotions go. I've lost weight and so has she. She's back in to full blown relapse, probably from the stress, and is in bed most days in severe pain. We are seeing a counselor but finding a marriage counselor that isn't faith based and is accepting new patients is difficult in my area and the one we have can only see us once every few weeks. We've both committed on multiple occasions to see this through and to be sure one way or the other if we should divorce, but it often doesn't seem to me that she's being honest. I get so lost in the exact times that these things happen but recently she confessed to me that she doesn't love me like she used to but that she misses that feeling and wants it back.

Just as an extra kick in the nuts, she had another online thing. At least sort of. I again knew something was up and I know that she's home alone all day and sad to be in bed and lonely. I asked her if I went through the internet history if I'd find something I didn't approve of and she said yes. Told me she had placed another ad and was communicating with a couple of guys. Again, plans were being made to meet. She may have just been doing it to see how far things would go, but I don't know and I don't trust much of what she says any more so I'm left to assume the worst.

Her deal, in a nutshell, is that she's having a sexual peak mid life crisis. She's bi-curious and thinks about having sex with other people often. Being curious and stuck in bed with her thoughts leads to some dangerous places. After the 2nd base affair she confessed all of this to me and we had talked about inviting another woman into our bed. We even started looking for someone casually. We'd talk about it during sex and it turned us both on and made the sex that much better. She's still too sick and we're still in counseling so it never went far. And I admitted that maybe at some point I'd be comfortable and confident enough that I'd consider swinging but it'd take some work to get to that point.

But she's impatient that one. And she's selfish, and she's chronically dishonest. And the worst part is that I don't think she's afraid of losing me. I want to help her work through this, but I want her to do it in a safe way and to be honest with me. This business where she goes behind my back is agonizing and the distrust I have is eating me alive. I can't treat her like a teenager and block her internet access. She's got a smart phone any way. I'll never know if what she tells me is the truth because she's already established that she's willing to lie to my face if she feels threatened. I'm just completely lost. I think she's confusing love with hormones. I think everyone goes through a phase of confusion at some point, I mean I did, but I never acted on a fantasy. And it's not like our marriage is bad. In fact, I thought we were doing great at all points in time! She's said numerous times that I deserve better and we've each talked about leaving. I'm honestly afraid that if I do let her leave that she'd hurt herself somehow but recently I said I wouldn't stop her if that's what she truly wanted. We don't make enough for her to have her own place though and her options for friends and family are slim so usually the thought of leaving is brief. I'd even consider a trial separation but I'm afraid to leave her alone in her condition and I'm also afraid of her taking that as a free pass to explore her sexuality while I wasn't in the picture to stop her.

Ultimately, I've lost a lot. I don't find joy in much any more. I have no confidence in myself. I've had a few people say I'm starting to look unhealthy. I've had months of not eating and not sleeping regularly. I love her so much and I want her to be happy and I accept that maybe she'd be happier on her own.

I suppose I'm just wondering if others have been in similar situations and what they've done. I don't want a threesome and I don't want an open marriage. I've read post after post of those ending in blackmail, disease, divorce and even rape. I don't know if her issues are impulse control to the point where she can't even trust herself or if she really is just being selfish and cruel. I have a hard time telling her any of this because it usually ends up being super emotional and then with her being even sicker. It's hard to put my feelings aside out of fear of making her more sick but when she continues to do these things, even while sick, I kind of feel justified in wanting to talk and even in being hurt and angry. I'm not perfect, mind you. I obsess over the details and I push for information. I sometimes feel justified but was told by the counselor that I need to lay off. Easy to say though but then I have to wait 3-4 weeks between appointments! I do understand that she feels alone and since she's not working she's got very few friends. Lately I've wanted nothing more than to put my foot down and make ultimatums but those always sound like dares to me. In the grand scheme of things, I don't think this last online thing is a huge deal but it again bothers me that she did it knowing that I wouldn't approve and when our marriage is so rocky. I'm trying to be patient and understanding and I want so badly to believe her when she says she wants to be with me but I'm starting to feel pushed to the brink and that she only stays because it's better than being alone. I also often wonder if she wasn't sick and had income if she wouldn't have left already. I don't want to be her best worst option. I want her to be in love with me like I am with her which I know is an unfair expectation. I just want her to look at me like she used to. I miss us.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

How old are the kids? How do they feel about this?


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## Esteban (Feb 10, 2013)

They're 12 and 8. The 12 year old knows something is up but the 8 year old doesn't seem to. They both know that mom has been sick for years and chalk it up mostly to that. I did tell the 12 year old that his mom and I were having a hard time but we were working it out and not to worry. I also told him that he would be the first to know if anything changed. He's about to start entering in to his own relationships so I thought it was smart to not underestimate his intuition.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

You dont find joy, dont have confidence, and are not looking healthy? If healthy, me think you'd be gone by now. If you think the same, cut your losses and remember that by jerking you around she chose to suffer alone. Why should you be there for her now when she was never there for you? Karma is a *****!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Esteban (Feb 10, 2013)

It's just not that simple. How do I just "cut my losses" with the woman I promised to spend the rest of my life with? The mother of my children? And it's not that she's never been there for me. Like I said, we've been through some tough times, it's just that this time is bigger than the others. I know my post makes me sound like some emo douche, but I didn't get married to just throw in the towel when it got tough.


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## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

Please listen, cut ur losses and get out while you still can. Our world is filled w/ sick, mentally ill people, don't play their game. Seek a good therapist if you need to but you have to remember "YOU ARE GOING TO B OK W/O HER!!!!" You are good enough, strong enough 2 be happy w/o her.
God Bless You!!
Mouse


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

LoveMouse said:


> Please listen, cut ur losses and get out while you still can. Our world is filled w/ sick, mentally ill people, don't play their game. Seek a good therapist if you need to but you have to remember "YOU ARE GOING TO B OK W/O HER!!!!" You are good enough, strong enough 2 be happy w/o her.
> God Bless You!!
> Mouse


Whoa, whoa, whoa, mouse. He's not here for this kind of assistance. You aren't helping at all right now, only hurting. He's trying to save his family. Do you have ANY experience in this?

Take a break.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Can you reveal the nature of her illness?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Esteban---your wife ain't goin nowhere

She may be looking to sow some wild oats, but with her medical condition---what she is gonna end up with is ONS's

No guy is gonna want to take her on

So you need to deal from that point-----you cannot just watch her go and have sex with other men---that is unhealthy for you---AS IS swinging----play with fire---someone always gets burned

You have a definite problem, and it is in your best interest interest to get her some IC, and hope that, that gets her out of her funk

I can see where she comes up with all of this wanting and longing, as she lays in bed for hour after hour, with nothing but time on her hands, reading and watching TV, where probably 25% of stories on TV are fidelity based, and most everything nowdays is sex based.

If you want this mge to succeed, and get into your golden years---you need to get your wife to work with you on solving her problem, of thinking she has a need for some foreign spice

The real problem for you is, how long can you stand by and watch all of this play out----you seem to be unraveling as we speak


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

*I don't know if her issues are impulse control to the point where she can't even trust herself or if she really is just being selfish and cruel.*

The answer to that question is more easier ,then you think.


In a nutshell
She knows you wont LEAVE.. Plain and simple.Am sorry if i come across as harsh..


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Esteban said:


> It's just not that simple. How do I just "cut my losses" with the woman I promised to spend the rest of my life with? The mother of my children? And it's not that she's never been there for me. Like I said, we've been through some tough times, it's just that this time is bigger than the others. *I know my post makes me sound like some emo douche*, but I didn't get married to just throw in the towel when it got tough.


No, it made you sound like a man in pain with some tough choices to make.


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## Esteban (Feb 10, 2013)

*Can you reveal the nature of her illness?* 


She has an advanced case of Ulcerative Colitis. It's very similar to Crohn's Disease but only affects the lower bowel. Lots and lots of stomach cramping, vomiting and trips to the bathroom.


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## Esteban (Feb 10, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> No, it made you sound like a man in pain with some tough choices to make.


Thanks mate, I appreciate that.


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## Esteban (Feb 10, 2013)

3putt said:


> Whoa, whoa, whoa, mouse. He's not here for this kind of assistance. You aren't helping at all right now, only hurting. He's trying to save his family. Do you have ANY experience in this?
> 
> Take a break.


I actually wanted to post something a long time ago and waited until I found this forum. I'm a big fan of not trying to reinvent the wheel and figured the internet makes the world so much smaller, someone else out there had to understand and be willing to help. I chose this site because people here genuinely seem to want to help each other and not that the people telling me to cut my losses aren't trying to help, I'm still glad that you pointed out that if I was looking for the strength to leave then I would have said that.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Her actions are telling you to leave. She knows you wont. Whatever you are doing to enforce boundaries isn't working. She has no respect for you. You want the marriage to work, COMMAND respect.

Takes two people for a marriage to work. Your the only one trying.


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## Esteban (Feb 10, 2013)

For what it's worth, someone suggested I get the book "The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011" by Athol Kay. I'm 21 pages in and it's already answered several questions. Easy read and very helpful so far.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Esteban
In view of your wife's horible condition, her lonliness, her desire for human interaction, the potential danger if she meets up with someone, your reluctance to separate, and the fact that you love her, I'm going to propose a risky solution.

Why don't you both join an online real-time game? You can both interact with people from all over the world. It can get her mind off affair boards. The risk is that while you are at work, she has the opportunity to carry on, perhaps inappropriately, with other gamers. However, they will not likely be locals.

Give it some thought.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Esteban said:


> *Can you reveal the nature of her illness?*
> 
> 
> She has an advanced case of Ulcerative Colitis. It's very similar to Crohn's Disease but only affects the lower bowel. Lots and lots of stomach cramping, vomiting and trips to the bathroom.


Damn. That runs in my family. So she has my sympathy.

Just a thought... is she on high doses of codeine for it? That can mess with though processes. In high does it is like taking morphine. Well, it is made from morphine and is highly addictive.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Esteban
> In view of your wife's horible condition, her lonliness, her desire for human interaction, the potential danger if she meets up with someone, your reluctance to separate, and the fact that you love her, I'm going to propose a risky solution.
> 
> Why don't you both join an online real-time game? Tou can both interact with people from all over the world. It can get her mind off affair boards. The risk is that while you are at work, she has the opportunity to carry on, perhaps inappropriately, with other gamers. However, they will not likely be locals.
> ...


Scrabble online realtime. It's available on Facebook.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Esteban said:


> Thanks mate, I appreciate that.


No problem, old chap. It's what we are here for! Even at 3.45am??  Oh, dear! Late for bed, again!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Scrabble online realtime. It's available on Facebook.


There several others on fb right? I have a SIL that keeps sending me invites to various fb games. I belive they have chat features too.


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## Esteban (Feb 10, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Damn. That runs in my family. So she has my sympathy.
> 
> Just a thought... is she on high doses of codeine for it? That can mess with though processes. In high does it is like taking morphine. Well, it is made from morphine and is highly addictive.


No. She's taking several other things, including Prozac, but we gave up on the Colitis medications since they weren't working. We see a new GI next week and they also want her to see a psychiatrist to review her medications.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

If you truly believe she only went to second base with the guy your fooling yourself. No adult man or woman is going to meet up with a past lover and just go to second base. The reason you meet up is to have SEX. They both know it before they meet.


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## Esteban (Feb 10, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> If you truly believe she only went to second base with the guy your fooling yourself. No adult man or woman is going to meet up with a past lover and just go to second base. The reason you meet up is to have SEX. They both know it before they meet.


That's exactly what I thought and obsessed over for multiple arguments. My only evidence they didn't is that I caught it early, from first kiss to 2nd base was only a few weeks, the ex has ED (they never had sex to begin with 16 years ago because of his impotence problem), and he has no income or place of his own so location was an issue. I had no mysterious cash withdrawls or surprise Motel 8 transactions on the credit card. I really do think it was more of an emotional affair than anything and that this guy was just a symptom of the bigger problem. He was just a cosmic aligning of several factors. She admits it was easy because they had been intimate in the past and it was his prodding that gave her the courage to make a move.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Esteban said:


> That's exactly what I thought and obsessed over for multiple arguments. My only evidence they didn't is that I caught it early, from first kiss to 2nd base was only a few weeks, the ex has ED (they never had sex to begin with 16 years ago because of his impotence problem), and he has no income or place of his own so location was an issue. I had no mysterious cash withdrawls or surprise Motel 8 transactions on the credit card. I really do think it was more of an emotional affair than anything and that this guy was just a symptom of the bigger problem. He was just a cosmic aligning of several factors. She admits it was easy because they had been intimate in the past and it was his prodding that gave her the courage to make a move.


Let's see....

No proof he is impotent. You are going by your wife's word.
Don't need cash to use a car or someone else's place for sex.
Claiming he was the pursuer takes blame off her.


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## Esteban (Feb 10, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> Let's see....
> 
> No proof he is impotent. You are going by your wife's word.
> Don't need cash to use a car or someone else's place for sex.
> Claiming he was the pursuer takes blame off her.


Oh no, I do not remove blame from her in the least. In fact, when details started emerging, she was still protecting him and the only facts I knew put her totally to blame. I didn't find out until later what his involvement was. I could go on a logical thought hamster wheel and drive myself crazy with details and probabilities. I'm still not convinced that they didn't but based on all the information I have it seems very unlikely.

I want to see it through that lens because that's what I'd do. Two consenting adults who want to have sex just have sex, right? Except that I'm a guy and that's how I think. She got emotionally involved with this guy and although sex was on the horizon I think she was more interested in the attention than anything. Having sex could have ended poorly and caused the relationship to end. The anticipation of sex was what kept them going.

Maybe choosing to believe that makes me a super chump.


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

MrBrains said:


> If you truly believe she only went to second base with the guy your fooling yourself. No adult man or woman is going to meet up with a past lover and just go to second base. The reason you meet up is to have SEX. They both know it before they meet.


It happens. You are right to be skeptical/suspicious, but it happens.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Esteban said:


> It's just not that simple. *How do I just "cut my losses" with the woman I promised to spend the rest of my life with?* The mother of my children? And it's not that she's never been there for me. Like I said, we've been through some tough times, it's just that this time is bigger than the others. I know my post makes me sound like some emo douche, but I didn't get married to just throw in the towel when it got tough.


She broke her part of the bargain again and again and again. In fact you really do not know how many times she has been unfaithful to you.

Lying / dishonsty is unfaithfulness as well.

Her connectin with her ex was unfaithful.  If you knew about it you messed up in not shutting it down immediately.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Esteban said:


> Oh no, I do not remove blame from her in the least. In fact, when details started emerging, she was still protecting him and the only facts I knew put her totally to blame. I didn't find out until later what his involvement was. I could go on a logical thought hamster wheel and drive myself crazy with details and probabilities. I'm still not convinced that they didn't but based on all the information I have it seems very unlikely.
> 
> I want to see it through that lens because that's what I'd do. Two consenting adults who want to have sex just have sex, right? Except that I'm a guy and that's how I think. She got emotionally involved with this guy and although sex was on the horizon I think she was more interested in the attention than anything. Having sex could have ended poorly and caused the relationship to end. The anticipation of sex was what kept them going.
> 
> Maybe choosing to believe that makes me a super chump.


While a PA is a dealbreaker for me personally there really is little difference if they had a chance for PIV sex if she was meeting him. This was cheating. Period.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

It is hard for her to be in love with you as a man and as a husband because you have allowed yourself to be friend zoned into the role of a caregiver roommate that babysits the kids and pays the bills. Can you say meal ticket? 

She is cheating and will continue to cheat because you have let her do it without consequences. No matter what she does, she knows that you will not leave her and will try to fix things. The best chance at saving your marriage long term is to be willing to end it and mean it. She does not respect you and she cannot be in love with someone that she does not respect. Draw a line in the sand and tell her that the next time that you catch her cheating that you will just file and move on with your life. Although you can tell her that divorcing her will make you sad, let her know that you have thought about it and know that you will come out fine in the end. Do not point out that with her situation she will not do fine, because it is time that you stop putting the focus on only her needs and start putting the focus on your needs too. Because of her illness, your needs have been forgotten and you have been taken for granted. Let her know that the reality of it is that there are plenty of other women out there that would thank God every day that they were lucky enough to find you, because that is in fact the truth.


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## Esteban (Feb 10, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> She broke her part of the bargain again and again and again. In fact you really do not know how many times she has been unfaithful to you.
> 
> Lying / dishonsty is unfaithfulness as well.
> 
> *Her connectin with her ex was unfaithful. If you knew about it you messed up in not shutting it down immediately.*


Yeah, that was completely my fault. I was never really comfortable with the two of them hanging out but I let her convince me that I had nothing to worry about. That really taught me to trust my instincts.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Esteban said:


> Yeah, that was completely my fault. I was never really comfortable with the two of them hanging out but I let her convince me that I had nothing to worry about. That really taught me to trust my instincts.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

TRy said:


> It is hard for her to be in love with you as a man and as a husband because you have allowed yourself to be friend zoned into the role of a caregiver roommate that babysits the kids and pays the bills. Can you say meal ticket?
> 
> She is cheating and will continue to cheat because you have let her do it without consequences. No matter what she does, she knows that you will not leave her and will try to fix things. The best chance at saving your marriage long term is to be willing to end it and mean it. She does not respect you and she cannot be in love with someone that she does not respect. Draw a line in the sand and tell her that the next time that you catch her cheating that you will just file and move on with your life. Although you can tell her that divorcing her will make you sad, let her know that you have thought about it and know that you will come out fine in the end. Do not point out that with her situation she will not do fine, because it is time that you stop putting the focus on only her needs and start putting the focus on your needs too. Because of her illness, your needs have been forgotten and you have been taken for granted. Let her know that the reality of it is that there are plenty of other women out there that would thank God every day that they were lucky enough to find you, because that is in fact the truth.


:iagree:

He's allowed her to become a cake eater.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

She needs to be afraid of losing you.

Please get some IC and start working on your self, do things you enjoy and take care of you more.

Also write a list if what's important to you in a marriage. Have those as good solid boundaries. Let her know in no uncertain terms that you will be just fine on your own. 
Make sure you have access to everything as a condition for you staying with her. She needs to own everything she's done and take full responsibility, then agree to a plan to help ensure that she will never behave that way again. Also marital counseling would be a very good idea.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Its 180 time. Agree with others above.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Does her condition shorten the life span? 
Can she take things like Remicaid? 
I feel for her but she has no right to cheat just because she's ill. 
You seem like a good man and it's hard to know what to do when you have a spouse with a terrible illness. I know you don't want to be seen as the bad guy. But you need to stand your ground. Just because she's sick doesn't mean she gets to do whatever she wants.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Esteban (Feb 10, 2013)

TRy said:


> It is hard for her to be in love with you as a man and as a husband because you have allowed yourself to be friend zoned into the role of a caregiver roommate that babysits the kids and pays the bills. Can you say meal ticket?
> 
> She is cheating and will continue to cheat because you have let her do it without consequences. No matter what she does, she knows that you will not leave her and will try to fix things. The best chance at saving your marriage long term is to be willing to end it and mean it. She does not respect you and she cannot be in love with someone that she does not respect. Draw a line in the sand and tell her that the next time that you catch her cheating that you will just file and move on with your life. Although you can tell her that divorcing her will make you sad, let her know that you have thought about it and know that you will come out fine in the end. Do not point out that with her situation she will not do fine, because it is time that you stop putting the focus on only her needs and start putting the focus on your needs too. Because of her illness, your needs have been forgotten and you have been taken for granted. Let her know that the reality of it is that there are plenty of other women out there that would thank God every day that they were lucky enough to find you, because that is in fact the truth.


The more I read this book and the more I understand myself, the more this makes absolute sense. I'm way too beta and not enough alpha. My natural response to crisis is to turn up my supportive and caring nature but that's what got me in the mess to begin with.


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## boogie110 (Aug 3, 2012)

I don't know why you can't take her computer and her phone away...I mean, you are paying the bills, right? And you say you can't because you can't treat her like a child - YET - she is acting just like a child....
Man, you are a great guy...why couldn't I have ended up with a great guy??? Dammmm. So, I didn't. But I can at least tell you that you seem like a great guy and just take her stupid toys away! Get her self help books on relationships...you know the ones...his needs, her needs...and a ton of others!!! She should be using her brain. Maybe learn a new language...anything instead of figuring out her next internet fling...geepers already.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

If you haven't please install a keylogger immediately. You are just prolonging the inevitable


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## Esteban (Feb 10, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> Does her condition shorten the life span?
> Can she take things like Remicaid?
> I feel for her but she has no right to cheat just because she's ill.
> You seem like a good man and it's hard to know what to do when you have a spouse with a terrible illness. I know you don't want to be seen as the bad guy. But you need to stand your ground. Just because she's sick doesn't mean she gets to do whatever she wants.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We have lots of unanswered questions about her illness also. She spent almost 2 years laid up before she went in to remission. That was part of why I was so understanding that she wanted to get out and do more stuff with friends which in turn led to the affair. I understood that she wanted to get out and stretch her legs after a long car ride, I just didn't realize it would go to that extent.

Long story but we are currently fighting with insurance. We had been approved for Remicaid and went through 4 infusions but then insurance denied the rest so she never got a full cycle. We are still fighting the $25k bill. There's a possibility that an advanced case such as hers can lead to colon cancer, yes.


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

this is not the type of wife you want. Real women aren't like that. You need a wife that is honest, has morals, and loves and respects only you. There really are some great single women out there who are not like that. Put on your big boy pants and quit putting up with that.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I had a friend who had Chrohn's. He had most of his large intestine removed and was at death's door a few times. This happened when he was in college. 
Seeing his own mortality and knowing that he could someday not be able to have sex, or have a colostomy bag revved up his sexuality. It was like he had to get a lifetime of sex in before he died. He was seeing multiple people and then fell in love. They got married and he convinced her to try an open marriage. I'm not sure what happened to them because I lost them in the divorce. 

I can see how facing death and the loss of health and not knowing what might happen would do this to some one sexually. But that is no excuse for cheating. One thing the wife of this man told me is that she would never play nurse to him or mother. He told me the same: that it would kill their sex life of she treated him like a mom or a nurse. He took care of all his medical stuff on his own. 
She never babied him or felt sorry for him, she had compassion and empathy of course. 
Other people would say how brave she was to be with him and she didn't want to hear it. 

I think you both need support from other people in similar marriages. I'm sorry your insurance isn't cooperating. They are evil. 
Can she get on disability? Then she could get Medicaid and they sometimes are easier to deal with. 

I would not agree to an open marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

JUst for your info my wife has ulcerative colitis. She cheated on me one weekend.




I KICKED HER A$$ OUT!


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

"She's said numerous times that I deserve better!"

I am with MOUSE on this one. You are killing yourself slowly to help this ( Idid not say POS!) wife of yours.

Take you and your kids out of the picture for 21 days. No contact.
On the 22 day, go back and ask her to talk to you and see were she is at. If she is still DD, had her Divorce papers and tell her goodnight.

Just my loely 2 cents. David


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Hi Esteban, sorry for what you are going through.

My wife had an affair in 1990. I stayed for the kids, over time we rebuilt the marriage, it is now very strong. So it can be done.

But......

First truth....you CANNOT fix it alone. First of all, you can't stop your wife if she chooses to leave. You just can't. Second of all, you are human, and this will eat you up. You have to decide your walk away point, and at the moment you don't have one, but every fresh lie, every fresh infidelity, further damages your relationship, wounds your heart, and builds up scar tissue that won't let you open up and be intimate with her.

You can easily find yourself "still married" in as much as you still share a house and have a piece of paper, but totally alone, in a living hell.

You have a responsibility to kids, and to yourself. I also think you have a responsibility to your wife, though by cheating she has given you an out if you wish to use it.

In your shoes, if I didn't want to divorce, I would still draw a line and be prepared to separate. I would be firm. 

But then, if my wife ever cheats again, she is gone, and she knows it. Threats carry some weight.

And my wife is fundamentally a decent person. Cheating is out of character for her. Is the same true for your wife?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

You need alpha on the non sick part of your marriage and her cheating. Beta is good to show care when she is hurting... The problem is you are/were so beta ALL the time in the past you pretty much have to be all alpha now.

VERY few men are 100% alpha. The problem restated is you are near 100% beta. I'm glad I'm seeing you recognize it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. My husband and I are in R after he cheated, but that's only because I kicked him out the day I found out and he pleaded and grovelled to convince me to try it. Since then he's proven every day that I didn't make a mistake. Well, almost every day 

Your wife does not sound willing to do that for you. Until she is, there really isn't much hope.


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

Esteban said:


> Let's see... where do I begin. We've been married 14 years and together for 16. We did get married a little young at 22 and started having kids shortly thereafter. We've had our ups and downs, as every marriage does, but nothing this major. Without all the back history of my wife's divorced parents, abusive relationships and all the other cruft, our mess started a little over 2 years ago. I knew in my gut something was wrong and it turned out that she had placed a dirty online ad and was having a digital affair with a guy that lived just a few miles away from us. I demanded I see all the emails and she obliged. It sounded an awful lot like there was intent to meet and "see where it went" although they never did. The end result was that she ended the relationship and we moved forward. It took a while to regain trust but eventually I stopped worrying about what she was doing online.
> 
> Next scenario started in August just 5 months ago. My wife has a chronic illness that keeps her in bed most days. She happened to go into remission at the beginning of this situation which led her, at least in part I think, to what eventually happened. She reconnected with an ex boyfriend over Facebook. They started communicating, innocent at first, until at some point he broached the subject of whether or not she still thought of him and if she was happy in her marriage. It was about then that her self esteem shot up and suddenly she felt excited and wanted again. Needless to say the "harmless" flirting escalated until I eventually found out that something was wrong. The entire time she was lying and telling me that I was awesome and that I had nothing to worry about. That she was just helping a friend. I ended up getting involved mid-December before it turned sexual. According to her they never went beyond 2nd base although she really wanted to.
> 
> ...



Ok so she has sort of cheated physically , definitely cheated emotionally , and expressed numerous times that she does not want to change. You don't want to leave her , you don't want to let her cheat . You want it to be how it used to be. 

Sorry to say but it will never be like it used to be. You have 3 choices . 1 leave. 2 stay and let her cheat. 3 stay and swing with her. 

If you do not want to man up and leave them my suggesting is to start swinging With her. If you can't beat em join em.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

wow talk about a perfect "get out of jail free" card. Lawyer up, and strike while the iron is hot. try to get the kids, no child support, not alimony, and the house...while she is in the fog of having"affairs" from her sick bed. 

God has handed you a gift, don't refuse it


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Stoney, what is the attraction to digging up dead threads?


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