# Is it possible that he's cheating?



## Clarity123 (Sep 2, 2015)

Sorry, this is long but I need some help and sound advice.

I've been married to my husband for 6 years this month. He's a wonderful man, hard working, a loving father and husband. I was never an insecure person in our relationship. I started to slowly become insecure in the past 6 months. It started off with him bringing up his ex wife a lot and it was in a very negative way.

From assuming that she is with her new boyfriend to cause problems for him (he's an old buddy of his), to criticizing the way she has dyed her hair, to avoiding her place of work. The only response he has recieved from me is, "Why does it matter what she is doing? She's in your past. Just let her be happy." They have no children together.

The past year, our marriage has been struggling. In that period of time, my husband has threatened divorce, that's he unhappy with his life, that he wished I would go live with my family or that he would rather be single. He's also calls me names out of anger and has threatened to hurt me twice. A lot of his aggressive behavior is never provoked. Every time I try to talk some sense into him his reasoning is that work is stressing him out and he's sorry.

I have a feeling that his behavior is deeper than just the "stress from work" excuse. I decided to be "that wife" and do a little investigating. I checked his Facebook, found numerous times where he intentionally searched his ex wife and an ex girlfriend. I checked his activity log, which mostly consisted of a lot of 'likes' and comments on his ex girlfriend's status updates and pictures (one of them in her bikini). He even has been bringing up old memories they've shared. 
He has told me in passing that this ex girlfriend is coming over to our house to bring cupcakes for my birthday this month. 

Last night I told him how excited I was about the cupcakes and asked him about her baking business. He showed me her baking page, what he had ordered and even the communication between them on that page. However, he felt it necessary to tell me that this was the only time he has talked to his ex girlfriend.

Also, shortly after he came home from work, he said he had to use the restroom. After a period of time, he came down and said he was on the phone with his boss. His boss wants him to plans a guys weekend in a couple of weeks. Which is out of the norm for him. I started bringing up guy friends he could bring with, all of them he seemed really hesitant about inviting. 

These things are starting to happen one right after the other. I just need to know, am I overreacting? Is this some type of test I'm being put through to see how well I trust my husband or is he cheating? I haven't accused him of anything, not without any real proof but part of me feels terrible for even considering my husband is being unfaithful.


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## intuitionoramiwrong (Mar 18, 2014)

You aren't overreacting. You are saying too much to him though. Stop pushing and do more investigating. And definitely know that this trip is probably NOT with a bunch of dudes...


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

You seem very nice, interested in seeing the marriage succeed, and there is one problem on top of another with him. I am particularly concerned about his threat to do bodily harm to you when you discuss legitimate concerns. 
Other than your initial sentence, "He's a wonderful man, hard working, a loving father and husband," I see no evidence of this. He seems instead to be an angry, insecure man, wanting or having an affair, who is passing up on a nice lady in search of prior women. He seems to be in this group of people, the worst you treat them, the better they like you, and the best you treat them, the more they dislike you. He is somewhat infatuated over the ex-wife and ex-girlfriend. I was not clear if you have children together.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Not good, not good at all.

Checking up ex GF, communicating with them, and being evasive with you, all during a time you know he is going through something significant enough to threaten D are all red flags.

We have no way of knowing if he's cheating, thinking of cheating, or anything else. Do not leave this hanging until the trip which is complete BS, IMO.

A month or so before I confronted my ex, he said he had to travel to his hometown to deliver some Christmas presents to his sisters. He HAD to go during the week for some never specified reason, which meant that the kids and I couldn't go. After he left, I found the presents in our closet. When he returned he said I should mail the gifts to his sisters, what was my problem and why was I making such a big deal about everything. (And yes, he did go see his GF.) 
Trips that don't make sense, don't make sense for a reason.


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## Clarity123 (Sep 2, 2015)

Bobby5000 said:


> You seem very nice, interested in seeing the marriage succeed, and there is one problem on top of another with him. I am particularly concerned about his threat to do bodily harm to you when you discuss legitimate concerns.
> Other than your initial sentence, "He's a wonderful man, hard working, a loving father and husband," I see no evidence of this. He seems instead to be an angry, insecure man, wanting or having an affair, who is passing up on a nice lady in search of prior women. He seems to be in this group of people, the worst you treat them, the better they like you, and the best you treat them, the more they dislike you. He is somewhat infatuated over the ex-wife and ex-girlfriend. I was not clear if you have children together.


We have two little girls together, they're 4 and 2.

We generally fight every weekend. He's fine during the work week. On the weekends though, he gets agitated very easily. His behavior can sometimes be unpredictable. Joking around one day can be completely mutual between the two of us and cause him to lash out the next day. 

He is a good man. He makes sure our family has everything we need. He's still affectionate and loving with me. He talks about sex a lot, which I assume is just a typical guy thing. He just seems distant. He blames work for his irrational behavior but I ask him every day how was work and his response is almost always "it was good". I know work stresses him out due to things he has said about his coworkers in the past. 

He's on his iPad a lot. I have an iPhone, at one point we shared an Apple ID. Earlier this year he asked if I could see what he was browsing on the Internet. He said he could see messages and phone calls that I was recieving. I told him, "That's fine, I don't care that you can see those things". Then he proceeded to ask me if I could make it to where we couldn't see what each other was doing. So, I looked up how and did it. He asked me a couple of times later if I could see what he was browsing and I told him no. I eventually got brave enough to ask him why just this past weekend and his reason was because he didn't want to delete any of my browsing history, messages or phone calls by accident. He said that he deleted his browsing history because he heard it will make his iPad run better. 

I do love him and care about him. I just don't want to accuse without knowing. I would feel horrible if it turns out he wasn't having an affair. I just feel hurt by his behavior that I'm trying to find some kind of justification for his actions.


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## Clarity123 (Sep 2, 2015)

intuitionoramiwrong said:


> You aren't overreacting. You are saying too much to him though. Stop pushing and do more investigating. And definitely know that this trip is probably NOT with a bunch of dudes...


I have done more investigating aside from Facebook. I've looked in his messages and have seen what appears to be flirtatious interaction with a few women. All from a few years ago. I say "appear" because I'm not completely sure if he was flirting with these women or not. 

I've done a quick look through of his phone a couple of nights ago and there's really no evidence of texting or phone calls, however, he doesn't have too many contacts saved to his phone (including mine). So most calls he's recieved or sent out are just phone numbers. I didn't really look too much in his phone because I started feeling guilty doing it. I never thought I would be snooping through his things.

I will try to refrain from being too obvious.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Why is he talking to his ex wife and girlfriend on FB anyway there is no way my hubby would want me talking to my ex at all just the way he is.


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## Clarity123 (Sep 2, 2015)

Also, is this considered abuse?

What happened is I was playfully teasing him this past weekend about the fact that he wanted eggs for breakfast and we were out. He noticed we didn't have any and got a little upset. No big deal for me, I made cereal for our kids. He brought up again how he wished we had some eggs, just joking I assumed. My response was, "I'll get eggs in a couple of days, we can make breakfast then. Until then, put your big girl panties on and make a bowl of cereal!" All while having a smile on my face. I can tease him like this one day, he'll be able to laugh about it and even tease back. Then there are days where he blows up like that. I meant absolutely no harm by it and he knows that's how my sense of humor is. He chose to respond by cussing me out, calling me a b***h and saying that if someone talked to him the way that I just did that he would "knock out a mother f***er".

Was I wrong for talking to him that way?


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## Clarity123 (Sep 2, 2015)

melw74 said:


> Why is he talking to his ex wife and girlfriend on FB anyway there is no way my hubby would want me talking to my ex at all just the way he is.


And I know he wouldn't want me talking to an ex either.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Possible? Yes.

Likely? Given all that I've read thus far, I'd say ABSOLUTELY.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

@Clarity123, you mentioned that the two of you now have different Apple IDs; do you have the e-mail address and password associated w/ his Apple account?

How about the e-mail account itself... do you have the password for that?

Are your iPhones on the same calling plan? If so, are you able to access the account on your provider's online portal in order to look up call/text/data logs?

You mentioned going through the activity log on his Facebook account -- do you have the password for that account?

Also, when is this guys' weekend scheduled? Sounds like it's coming up pretty soon.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Top link in my signature.

The probability? Id guess 50%. Work can have many of those red flags.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Clarity123 said:


> Also, is this considered abuse?
> 
> What happened is I was playfully teasing him this past weekend about the fact that he wanted eggs for breakfast and we were out. He noticed we didn't have any and got a little upset. No big deal for me, I made cereal for our kids. He brought up again how he wished we had some eggs, just joking I assumed. My response was, "I'll get eggs in a couple of days, we can make breakfast then. Until then, put your big girl panties on and make a bowl of cereal!" All while having a smile on my face. I can tease him like this one day, he'll be able to laugh about it and even tease back. Then there are days where he blows up like that. I meant absolutely no harm by it and he knows that's how my sense of humor is. He chose to respond by cussing me out, calling me a b***h and saying that if someone talked to him the way that I just did that he would "knock out a mother f***er".
> 
> Was I wrong for talking to him that way?


This is verbal abuse. My ex once threatened me over a jar of queso dip.

You did nothing wrong. Nothing wrong. Nothing wrong. Repeat that with me. You did nothing wrong.

This is not a healthy way for you to live. And it sure isn't good for your kids. He needs help. If he does not get it, it will likely escalate. I guarantee it will not stop on its own.

And I'm sure he might come to you and say "oh honey, its work" And that is pure BS.

Between the verbal abuse and the likely cheating-you are in deep. I"m sorry.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Clarity123 said:


> His boss wants him to plans a guys weekend in a couple of weeks. Which is out of the norm for him.


There are enough red flags there for you to have a strong suspicion of him cheating. You need to learn the methods of how to discretely monitor him. You can get a lot of help from this board. Gus here is an absolute expert on Iphone snooping.

For sure, you'd be missing a good opportunity if you don't track him while he's on this upcoming "boy's weekend". You've got several options. If it were me, I'd put a GPS and a VAR in his car; and if you can afford it, I'd have a PI follow him. If not, a friend that you trust.

If you're going to monitor him at all, you might as well do it right.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If he isn't cheating already, he will be soon. Actually, his inappropriate interactions with the ex IS cheating. He is out of line, there is no reason that he needs to be in contact with either the ex wife or ex gf. And yes, the things he says to you ARE ABUSIVE, and will most likely escalate, based on what you have described. 

Sounds to me like him cheating would be doing you a favor in the long run... iron clad excuse to get rid of him.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I don't think the ex wife is an issue (beyond her dating his friend- that would annoy me too). But the ex gf is definitely an issue. Are you friends with her too? WTF would she be bringing you cupcakes? Is she the only baker in town?

And liking her bikini pic on Facebook? Disrespectful to you. It is him sending a message "hey girl I like what I see" and making sure she knows he saw it.

Lots of red flags there. Follow weightlifter and Gus advice above re: some sleuthing.

PS THe phone call with the boss after work to plan a guys night out was 100% BS. They had all day at work to discuss their plans. Question is who was he talking to?

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Clarity123 (Sep 2, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> @Clarity123, you mentioned that the two of you now have different Apple IDs; do you have the e-mail address and password associated w/ his Apple account?
> 
> How about the e-mail account itself... do you have the password for that?
> 
> ...


He has an iPad and I have an iPhone. I do have access to his new Apple ID information, I set it up for him. I also have passwords to his Facebook and e-mail account. He uses the same password for everything, basically. He isn't very tech savvy.

He spoke to his boss shortly after work and said his boss is putting him in charge of this guys only weekend. Saying that he wants to do it in the next couple of weeks. So, no set plans have been made yet.


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## Clarity123 (Sep 2, 2015)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I don't think the ex wife is an issue (beyond her dating his friend- that would annoy me too). But the ex gf is definitely an issue. Are you friends with her too? WTF would she be bringing you cupcakes? Is she the only baker in town?
> 
> And liking her bikini pic on Facebook? Disrespectful to you. It is him sending a message "hey girl I like what I see" and making sure she knows he saw it.
> 
> ...


I'm not friends with his ex. I had to be hospitalized last year and she was my nurse. My husband ran into her, talked to her and searched her up on Facebook in a short time frame.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Clarity123 said:


> He has an iPad and I have an iPhone. I* do have access to his new Apple ID information, I set it up for him. I also have passwords to his Facebook and e-mail account.* He uses the same password for everything, basically. He isn't very tech savvy.
> 
> 
> > This is good...so don't say anything to him about your suspicions, or he will change them and never share them again.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

The whole guys' weekend would sound a lot more legit to me if he hadn't gone to the restroom to take the call.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Are you certain he spoke to his Boss about this trip? I mean, did he just report this after the phone call was completed and you just accept it was his Boss?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Clarity123 said:


> I'm not friends with his ex. I had to be hospitalized last year and she was my nurse. My husband ran into her, talked to her and searched her up on Facebook in a short time frame.


I would be 0% comfortable with that.

Did this reconnection coincide with his change in mood and behavior?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Clarity123 (Sep 2, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> Are you certain he spoke to his Boss about this trip? I mean, did he just report this after the phone call was completed and you just accept it was his Boss?


He came directly from the restroom, I said nothing to him. He said his boss is stressed out at work. I sympathized and went on about my business getting dinner prepared. Then he said, "he wants to plan a guys only weekend, maybe go camping. He wants me to plan it out." 

I said, "That'll be fun!" and continued to give him ideas and suggestions on what he could do and who he would like to invite to make it a relaxing experience. All of which he seemed hesitant and uncomfortable with.


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## Clarity123 (Sep 2, 2015)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Clarity123 said:
> 
> 
> > I'm not friends with his ex. I had to be hospitalized last year and she was my nurse. My husband ran into her, talked to her and searched her up on Facebook in a short time frame.
> ...


He saw her in March of 2014 and I didn't really notice anything until a few months later and it has been a roller coaster since then.


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## Clarity123 (Sep 2, 2015)

Trust me, I found it odd that he decided to call his boss while he was taking a dump.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Clarity123 said:


> He saw her in March of 2014 and I didn't really notice anything until a few months later and it has been a roller coaster since then.


Do some sleuthing. A few months from bumping into her at the hospital to texts, FB and then reconnecting sounds about right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Clarity123 said:


> Trust me, I found it odd that he decided to call his boss while he was taking a dump.


Unless you get some independent verification about this, I would assume he is lying to your face.

But then, I'm jaded on the subject


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Clarity123 said:


> Trust me, I found it odd that he decided to call his boss while he was taking a dump.


Can you log in to your phone plan and check the phone call received or made that day as he was in the bathroom was indeed from his boss at work? For all you know he could be planning a romantic getaway with his girlfriend and he just wanted to test the waters to see if he could get away with convincing you it was a guys weekend. 

Do you know his boss well enough to casually mention the upcoming guys weekend to see if he knows about it? Do you interact enough with the guys who will be attending this to ensure it is only guys attending? Do you know the type of guys involved to know that they aren't going to end at a strip club doing lap dances or won't be putting together some other inappropriate free-for-all?


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## Clarity123 (Sep 2, 2015)

B


Abc123wife said:


> Clarity123 said:
> 
> 
> > Trust me, I found it odd that he decided to call his boss while he was taking a dump.
> ...


I don't really know his boss at all.

The males I suggested he invite were guys he and I both knew (my dad, his dad, a friend from work, a close friend of his) and he would either kind of shrug of make reasons not to invite them.

No set plans have been made, it's apparently just an idea right now. I'll know more, if it actually pans out.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

To put it I clear English, just in case.

There is no Guys Weekend. He shrugs off all the people you suggest because there is no guys weekend. He will tell you a bunch of male coworkers you do not know are going to go. 

He was speaking to a girlfriend in the bathroom with the door locked. Had nothing to do with a guys weekend.

Keep quiet, eyes open.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> To put it I clear English, just in case.
> 
> There is no Guys Weekend. He shrugs off all the people you suggest because there is no guys weekend. He will tell you a bunch of male coworkers you do not know are going to go.
> 
> ...


of course, you could drive your husband crazy by asking his male friends if they are going to this guy's weekend.


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## Clarity123 (Sep 2, 2015)

I feel like I'm doing something wrong that would make him want to stray.


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## intuitionoramiwrong (Mar 18, 2014)

Clarity123 said:


> I feel like I'm doing something wrong that would make him want to stray.


This is not about you. It will hurt you the most, which is extremely unfortunate, but he isn't cheating because of anything you have done or haven't done.


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## Clarity123 (Sep 2, 2015)

intuitionoramiwrong said:


> Clarity123 said:
> 
> 
> > I feel like I'm doing something wrong that would make him want to stray.
> ...


When things go sour, he always says it's never my fault and that it's his own personal issues. I always tell him to be honest and not to sugar coat his reasons for being so angry.. and his reasons are always the same.. it's his issues. 

What am I supposed to do?


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

Cheating should be secondary. He threatened you with bodily harm, THAT should be your major concern IMO. He needs to see someone about that or you might need to pack up and go for a while. That is no joke.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Clarity123 said:


> When things go sour, he always says it's never my fault and that it's his own personal issues. I always tell him to be honest and not to sugar coat his reasons for being so angry.. and his reasons are always the same.. it's his issues.
> 
> What am I supposed to do?


It is not your fault. It is a choice he is making.

Sweetie, he's lying.
Most people who cheat (and at this point we are all assuming that is what is going on), lie. They lie about what they are doing, who they are doing it with and why they are doing it. Blaming the spouse is common. When they blame someone else they don't have to face the fact that they are choosing to betray their spouse and break their vows.

If there are problems at work, he can work with HR, or seek another job. He doesn't have to cheat or abuse you.

If he is angry about past events, he can seek counseling to work through his issues. He doesn't have to cheat or abuse you.

If he's frustrated with your marital relationship he can talk to you and possibly go to marriage counseling. He doesn't have to cheat or abuse you.

He has choices. 
Remember, so do you.


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## Clarity123 (Sep 2, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> Clarity123 said:
> 
> 
> > When things go sour, he always says it's never my fault and that it's his own personal issues. I always tell him to be honest and not to sugar coat his reasons for being so angry.. and his reasons are always the same.. it's his issues.
> ...


Thank you.

I obviously have a lot to think about.

Marriage counseling is not out of the question for us. In the past, he refused. He said any issues he had he could work through on his own. This recent argument, I brought up counseling again. Again, he said no. I told him that he's having issues working through his issues and there's no shame in getting help. He seems a little reluctant but says it's about being able to afford going. Once we were are able to afford it, then we'll go.


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