# month to month -- NEEDS TO STOP!



## Sunflower_83 (Sep 5, 2013)

Ok so here is my deal -- we basically live month to month.

Me and husband both work full time. We got decent jobs -- BUT we pay rent for our apartment and my Sis in law rent as well. her BIL doesn't have a good job, so of course my husband being the only son/brother has to end up paying for her rent as well. Now we live with our in-laws. FIL still works, so he basically takes care of his and my MIL expenses which are not so much, but it still there. my husband is in school so basically if we calculate we are paying about 2 rents; monthly tuition which is equivalent to rent or car payments a month. we get paid monthly so after two weeks of being ok, he'll be like ok we are out for the month. what pisses me off is paying for my SIL's rent, i mean i know they are in a tough spot, but i went back to work, so we can help save for our own place, now two years down the road not a penny in the bank, and all the money is washing away. i want to send my 3 year old son, to some sort of daycare slash activities but i have to think twice before i do that. I know my husband is super super stressed with the financial situation we are in, but I don't know what to say. I just found out from my SIL that DH has been giving BIL some extra $$ on top of the rent to him every couple months and I am fuming over it, because that's money we need for our future. I don't know what to do, he tells me everything will be ok, once i am done with school. He has one year left, i pray after that things get better, i really really do. 

Not to mention i have NO access to any of our banking information, i have two CC which sometimes work and sometimes dont.  --- i can't tell anyone, because my parents would never understand. he has a lot of pressure from his parents and his sister and he just caves and gives into everything. i just hope hope that things get better soon, cuz it will effect our marriage in the long run.

The funny thing is i grew up in a household where my dad was sooo good with money (knock on wood) -- my parents didn't have any well paying job but he was always good with money, always spent where it was necessary and always always feared CC debt, he never even allowed any one of us siblings to get cc. Having debt was a big taboo in my house now we are swimming in it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why don't you have access to ALL your financial information? That would be an absolute deal breaker for me, and the first boundary I'd implement. And I'd be prepared to walk out if I had to. The second one would be the money to the in-laws. Do both your SIL and BIL work? Are you all living with the parents-in-law? 

I just don't understand the point to living with the in-laws if you're paying the equivalent of two rents. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

I found that my money issues were because my husband and I weren't completely transparent about money.

This wasn't easy. It required us to sit down, together, every paycheck and talk about how to pay our bills, how much to budget towards different expenses, how much play money each of us got, etc. It required us to tell each other when we were spending money. It required a LOT of talking! I've never been good at talking about money, so this was really difficult for me. Just a warning, your husband may be similar.

I know that once we sat down and wrote everything down together (how much our paychecks were, how much our bills were, when our bills were due, how much our living expenses were), it helped a lot.

You may find you really didn't know how much you were spending. I know I did. And you may find some areas you could cut back or cut out expenses.

I agree with PBear though: if he refuses to give you full access to the finances, that would be a dealbreaker for me. The in-laws, to me, are a separate issue. You may find after a review of your finances that they aren't as much of a money drain as you think. But get your finances under control first!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Brother in law needs to get a better paying job, or work extra hours, or get a second part-time job. Or sister in law needs to get a job. It isn't your responsibility to support them. If anything, it should be their parents who would support them.

You need to have access to ALL YOUR financial info. It's ridiculous for you not to know and not to discuss your finances in detail! 

Your credit cards don't work sometimes because you've charged up to the maximum amount the credit card company will let you borrow. That means you aren't paying them off each month so you are carrying that debt with interest. My guess is your H is paying only the minimum payment or maybe a little more each month. That means you are racking up extra debt in the form of interest on top of what you charge each month and on top of the debt you already had on your credit card. That $20 you spent 6 months ago to buy lunch could end up costing you $40 or $50 or $60 by the time you actually pay off your debt. 

What is the limit on those two cards? When they don't work, that means you owe that _entire _amount. Credit card interest is usually high, sometimes in the 19%-20% range. Pay this off as soon as possible or you are throwing money away. Don't use the cards anymore. Pay for everything in cash. Look for some lower interest rate cards if you must use cards.

Move out and get your own apartment somewhere, something you can easily afford even it it's a dump. Getting out of that location where your in-laws are on top of you will put some distance between your H and his family so your H can feel less responsible for them.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

Sit down with your husband, talk to him, today.

Let him know that you need access to and control of all finances in your name and access and joint control of finances in both names.

Together look seriously at your income and expenditure and only if you both agree it is affordable are you to continue to subsidize your SIL.

Do not rely on CC to tide you over; this "short term" money can be as expensive as the "payday loan" racket.

IMHO no matter how much a couple earn in comparison to each other a husband and wife should have equal power in deciding how the months money is spent (I can see how this might be different if one off you had money in trust from before the marriage).


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

PBear said:


> Why don't you have access to ALL your financial information? That would be an absolute deal breaker for me, and the first boundary I'd implement. And I'd be prepared to walk out if I had to. The second one would be the money to the in-laws. Do both your SIL and BIL work? Are you all living with the parents-in-law?
> 
> I just don't understand the point to living with the in-laws if you're paying the equivalent of two rents.
> 
> ...


This.


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## BlueCalcite (Jul 15, 2013)

norajane said:


> Credit card interest is usually high, sometimes in the 19%-20% range.


I wish that was high. Two of the cards my stbxw acquired and maxed out behind my back are at 30%.


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## marko (Jul 22, 2013)

norajane said:


> Brother in law needs to get a better paying job, or work extra hours, or get a second part-time job. Or sister in law needs to get a job. It isn't your responsibility to support them. If anything, it should be their parents who would support them.
> 
> You need to have access to ALL YOUR financial info. It's ridiculous for you not to know and not to discuss your finances in detail!
> 
> ...


my story on finances. 

I moved out of home when I was almost 19, moved to a strange big new city to start fresh. had 500 bucks in my pockets. the next decade or so did a lot of bad credit card purchases etc. 

then me and my wife smartened up, we wanted a home so we saved up, we paid off any debt we had including credit cards and some rent-to-own electronics. I was working three jobs most of the time. we paid cash for everything, still do. unless we are travelling that is, then it is paid off right away. 

we saved up money and used it as a down payment on a house, not the biggest or fanciest but it does the job.

my father in law passed away , we used the inheritance and the money we had earned working several jobs still and paid off the house. then we started a family.

so being under the age of forty and semi-retired we were very lucky and fortunate. we still pay cash for everything, we have older vehicles to drive that we paid cash for, our newest one is not even from this century lol.

we are pretty stress free now, if we want to go on a trip we go, if we need to do renos on the house we do them. I need a newer vehicle, mine is getting pretty long in the tooth, I have money in the band ready to go. 

if we can do it with limited education and no cash to start with anybody can do it. you just need to sit down and understand what you want. get rid of your SIL rent, you are not obliged to pay for it, you are enabling them.get rid if that crap cc debt, think about what you spend money on and push to get it to a minimum.


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## Navy3 (Apr 27, 2012)

hi, this sounds a bit like my situation. my husband controlled ALL the finances & made ALL the choices. he has repeat cycles( I've only come out of denial in the last yr)of huge debts, secret credit cards, bank loan of £15k, secret bank acc with a overdraft, 9 credit cards!!!!!!, hides allsorts of things - I still don't feel I know everything. he lies & manipulates, acting "caring" to cover his debts etc.

I had NO access to our joint account. our online banking pass codes were written down by him,he kept this in a folder. mine wouldn't work after a time. i'm disabled. I had no money even for bread or milk. no money for a taxi.

but now i'm out of the black denial I have a rhyme for my online banking - had it wrote down but felt he'd been rooting. & I am saving a emergency fund, I will NEVER be in the position of being LOCKED OUT of "our" bank acc again.

we were on the verge of bankruptcy - AGAIN! you must be worried. you need to know what the situation is. take it from me, the sooner the better! being scared can be no excuse to yourself. 

my husband will look me in the eye & lie through his teeth. what's your gut saying to you???? listen to it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If BIL doesn't have a good paying job, he's authorized to work two lousy paying jobs. Why does he have a wife if he can't support one? Sounds harsh to say, but if I didn't have the job skills necessary to maintain gainful employment necessary to maintain a family, I wouldn't have a wife. If I couldn't get a job in my area in a couple months, I'd be moving to wherever pickings were better. The Job Fairy isn't going to descend and make him CEO of a bank.


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## marko (Jul 22, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> If BIL doesn't have a good paying job, he's authorized to work two lousy paying jobs. Why does he have a wife if he can't support one? Sounds harsh to say, but if I didn't have the job skills necessary to maintain gainful employment necessary to maintain a family, I wouldn't have a wife. If I couldn't get a job in my area in a couple months, I'd be moving to wherever pickings were better. The Job Fairy isn't going to descend and make him CEO of a bank.


the job fairly... I love that. it is very true though, it is how some folks think unfortunately. I have never waited for the " perfect job" unless I am gainfully employed already. then I can be patient waiting for a better opportunity. 

I have no sympathy for people that cannot find work. I know there are a few places it has been very hard the last decade. then you might have to move somewhere else.


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

I am gob smacked at this. Stop paying for the BIL and SIL if they cant support themselves then they deserve the hard reality check I'm only 23 and I left school over 7 years barely passing grades. I am also divorced now and a single parent just about I take nothing from my ex wife in child support and yet I can support us and I have just purchased a luxury apartment/townhouse and drive a nice car and have toys (dirt bikes, electronics, guitars) I worked my ass off day and night to get to where I am, I worked 50 hrs a week in an apprenticeship and then delivered pizzas most nights to make more money. tell your partner you want 50 - 50 control of the money and the in laws are cut off you should only be paying a rent to the FIL and MIL if your staying there and not the total amount of their rent either. Just a bit of advise I got from my mentor in my current position about finances "Never let your expenses exceed more then 80% of the lowest wage between the both of you" and " 1 income is bad, 2 isn't much better,3 is better"
Always try and get more income streams I now have 2 small businesses and work a full time head hunting corporate job


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