# Sex problems; couples therapy tomorrow



## CherryBomb (Feb 24, 2012)

So, I talked about the main issue here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/40824-didnt-used-like.html#post609270.

I got really upset with him on Valentine's Day. I got all dressed up in high-heel leather boots and a miniskirt with red lipstick and pigtails, figuring that it would be a 'sure thing' and we'd have sex. (Sex on Valentine's Day is like a law, right?? ) Well, at 9:30pm after our date he declares he is tired and drops me off at home! We wound up in an argument about it afterwards; he insisted he didn't think I wanted "to be intimate" because we had gotten into an argument the day before. Something just kind of switched in me after years of trying to get our sex life back and feeling unwanted. Suddenly, I just didn't even want to see his face, much less subject myself to any more pity sex born of his feelings of obligation.

I have only seen him twice since Valentine's Day because I just wanted the space. I will be meeting him tomorrow for our first couples therapy appointment. I'm nervous. I don't know what to expect in the first session. I don't know if she can help us. How can I ever get my confidence back around him? Ugh.

He insists that he desires me and thinks about sex with me regularly and misses the sex life we had, but his actions over the past few years have spoke louder to me. His indifference towards sex has made me feel hopeless.

I don't know what I'm looking for here. Has anyone tried therapy for something like this? Is there hope? I don't know. Any advice or works of encouragement and comfort are appreciated.


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

SprucHub said:


> Cherry - a man willing to go talk to someone about his sexual performance issues. He is into you! From your other post, his issues sound physical. His way of coping is to hide from you. Encouragement from you (even though you are frustrated) could go a big way toward helping him. Fighting and getting mad likely will not (he probably feels bad to begin with and this will make him worse). Yelling at a limp thing will not get it hard. Many people hide from issues, he is willing to address a very personal and perhaps embarrassing matter. Off to a good start.


Agreed, at least he's willing to talk about it and actually do something. I've been promised so many times to deal with LD on my side, that I lost count. I also got a lump of coal for Valentines day. I worked for weeks to make the day perfect as well and the whole thing completely blew up in my face. I'm still hurt and bothered by that and my LD spouse has not done anything yet to make up for it. You're not alone.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 24, 2012)

SprucHub said:


> Cherry - a man willing to go talk to someone about his sexual performance issues. He is into you! From your other post, his issues sound physical. His way of coping is to hide from you. Encouragement from you (even though you are frustrated) could go a big way toward helping him. Fighting and getting mad likely will not (he probably feels bad to begin with and this will make him worse). Yelling at a limp thing will not get it hard. Many people hide from issues, he is willing to address a very personal and perhaps embarrassing matter. Off to a good start.


I am very glad he wants to work on things and go to therapy. I've never "yelled at a limp thing", ha ha! I am not cruel. We get in fights well after he refuses me for sex. For example, we argued about Valentine's Day after the date was well over with and we were both in our homes (we do not live together). When we attempt sex and he loses his erection, I never make a big deal of it; I just give him oral, which helps. The big issue is his lack of desire and passion, which he used to have. If it is a physical issue, I'm assuming low testosterone and depression.

You're right that the fighting and getting angry are not helping. It's just that after three years of this, I am feel bitter and humiliated and rejected. When I keep my anger to myself, he assumes everything is fine and no progress is made. A lot of damage has been done that I don't know how to reverse. So I'm at a loss.

I hope therapy goes well tonight. I'm nervous...


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