# Last Chance



## diesel73 (Oct 27, 2010)

W had affair last summer with friends husband. After big bust up we decided to stay together. During the last 6 months I have uncovered a few text conversations initiated by OM. Confronted W and was told it will not happen again and it was just talk. 

On Friday she told me that he called again this time she told me first before I found out and said she no longer feels the same way towards him, told him this and loves and wants to be with me. The problem is that this information lead to me finding out about another call they had before Christmas where they both said they still loved each other and he asked her to meet him in hotel ect - this didn’t happen though. 

This is now her last chance - we have kids so want to stay together also as I had an EA 4 years ago and know it is possible although hard to let go move on so cannot be completely 1 sided here. So the question is am I still burying my head in the sand or what. One last thing have worked on getting myself in a good place with friends/activities/gym/life!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Why not evoke a "no contact" policy? That means no phone calls, no text messages, no meeting, no FB, etc. with the OM. If your wife agrees to that you can move towards reconciliation.


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## diesel73 (Oct 27, 2010)

Thanks 827 Aug. She has done this but he has called her on work phone - the next stage is to change her number I guess.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Did she send him an official "no contact" letter? If so, do whatever is necessary to stop him from contacting her--i.e. changing her phone number. As long as your wife does that and is being completely "transparent" with everything, the two of you should stand a chance to rebuild your relationship.


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## diesel73 (Oct 27, 2010)

Will keep you posted - thanks


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why is she still in touch with him?

No contact means NO contact, cell phone, FB, work phone or otherwise. Neither of them have any respect for you. 

Tell his wife. She deserves to know, too.

It's bad enough she did it once but after you told her to stop she kept doing it. Now is not the time to roll over.


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## diesel73 (Oct 27, 2010)

I have told his wife at the weekend which is how I found out about the phone call in December.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

If this OM doesn't respect the no contact idea, I would file a report for harrasment. Your wife has to be with you on this side.

No contact is NOT CONTACT. Nothing. If he continues to contact her and he has been specifically told not to, then I would go to the police. However, your wife CAN NOT contact him in any way, shape or form afterword. Both of you have to agree to it. I would have her call him infront of me and tell him to stop, and if it did not stop, measures would be taken.

Your wife is lieing. If she didn't have feelings for him, she wouldn't be talking to him and vice/versa. 

My husband had an affair right after we got married. He told the OW to stop calling him but she wouldn't. She'd message him on facebook and email him, and then she'd email me telling me what a weak person I was for staying with him. She was trying to break us apart. We finally went down to the police station and filed a report against her. The authorities contacted her personally and told her to knock it off, of the next time there would be a harrasment charge filed against her. We never heard a word of her again (so far).


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

JazzTango2Step said:


> However, your wife CAN NOT contact him in any way, shape or form afterword. Both of you have to agree to it.


And that's just it. Apparently she never set a hard enough boundary to him to not contact her anymore that he felt it was ok to call her again.


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## diesel73 (Oct 27, 2010)

Thanks Jazz - I know she still has some feelings for him, she also has admitted the fantasy element of the affair. I was in a similar situation a few years back after an EA - I was working with the woman at the time and she tried to keep the contact going for ages - I knew that the only way to get her to stop was to stop responding to any emails with a very basic yes/no language - she got the message eventually. 

My issue is that although she has not contacted him, each time they have spoken to each other it has been for 40 minutes and the time in Dec they told each other they loved each other but could not be together blah blah blah... It's total fantasy. I am here because I don’t want to ruin my kids lives without giving this 100%. I've heard I'm sorry so many times it's begun to lose all meaning!


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

Some people just don't care. We set a very firm boundary with the OW my H saw after we got married. He kept telling her to stop calling and she'd call him about 100 times a day (no joke) and text him. If he'd respond to tell her to stop, it would encourage her more because she finally got a response.

She'd even email ME and tell ME what a horrible person he was and that I shouldn't stay with him...meanwhile, she was hoping I'd kick him out so she could grab him up. 

We both set brick walls up but she kept climbing over them, so we got the police involved. Sometimes it takes one call from the authorities to shake someone up and tell them that you're serious.

However, if the wife isn't on board then theres nothing you can do. The contact will continue. She'll insist there are no feelings but there are. If there were no feelings, she wouldn't be talking to him again. The wife needs to know that there will be serious consequences to her actions and that what she's doing is very dangerous to her marriage.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

diesel73 said:


> I was in a similar situation a few years back after an EA - I was working with the woman at the time and she tried to keep the contact going for ages - I knew that the only way to get her to stop was to stop responding to any emails with a very basic yes/no language - she got the message eventually.
> 
> My issue is that although she has not contacted him, each time they have spoken to each other it has been for 40 minutes and the time in Dec they told each other they loved each other but could not be together blah blah blah... It's total fantasy. I am here because I don’t want to ruin my kids lives without giving this 100%. I've heard I'm sorry so many times it's begun to lose all meaning!



My husband told me that the if we ignored the OW, she'd go away...but she didn't and personally, I just couldn't handle knowing that she was contacting us. I was torn and a wreck and such a mess that I needed to to stop and she needed to know it wasn't going to be tolerated, so we made the police report.

I don't believe your wife is sorry. If she was sorry, it wouldn't continue to happen. She needs to deal with her fantasies in ways that won't harm her children. I understand that you don't want your children involved, but they will eventually figure out what is happening. If this continues and you stay together, they will figure it out and might grow up thinking that this is an acceptable thing in a marriage. I know its a tough decision, but I would rather my child know that there are boundaries in a happy marriage and based on the parent's example, what they should do if this particular thing would happen to them.


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## diesel73 (Oct 27, 2010)

I agree that if she was sorry it would not keep happening and I sort of agree with you about the kids knowing too.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

diesel73 said:


> My issue is that although she has not contacted him, each time they have spoken to each other it has been for 40 minutes


Before or after December???



JazzTango2Step said:


> She'd even email ME and tell ME what a horrible person he was and that I shouldn't stay with him...meanwhile, she was hoping I'd kick him out so she could grab him up.


Wow. What a psycho. Sounds like _Fatal Attraction_.


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## diesel73 (Oct 27, 2010)

Affair over in summer, contact in Sept, Dec and last week. I only have her word about how long the calls were.


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## diesel73 (Oct 27, 2010)

Oh and Jazz the OW sounds like a nutter.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

diesel73 said:


> Affair over in summer, contact in Sept, Dec and last week. I only have her word about how long the calls were.


So the affair never ended is what I am getting from this. 

Time to set a hard boundary and STICK to it. Apparently she does not think you have.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

She was a freak show, thats for sure. I'm glad to be rid of her. But of course, that was a personal attack at my family and I felt I had to get inbetween and help kick her out. She wasn't going to stop without a police report.

If your wife isn't on board with you then theres nothing you can do but set a strict boundary for your wife and the OM. I'm glad this thread's title is "Last Chance" because it seems as though you have already set the boundary in your own mind, now its time to project it onto your wife and the OM. If she refuses, then you know your answer.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

JazzTango2Step said:


> its time to project it onto your wife and the OM. *If she refuses, then you know your answer*.


This says it all.

If she won't cut it off, then you have to decide whether you are willing to live in an open marriage.


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