# Babysitting the Grandkids



## EnigmaGirl

My husband has 2 beautiful granddaughters. I love them...they're sweet girls. They're also very attached to me. We babysit them about once a month at a minimum...sometimes more often.

Here's the issue.

We're planning on moving closer to my husband's family (currently we're about 4 hours away)...which is great. However, I'm a little worried about being too close because of potential babysitting issues.

Again, I adore the kids but they're definitely raised differently than I'm used to. In my family, there's just a lot more discipline. For instance, when I was a kid and with my own kids there were rules. We/they weren't allowed to scream, destroy furniture (standing on it, jumping on it, eating on it), interrupt adult conversations, etc.

These children are being raised differently. They're very, very, very loud. They scream, yell, run into walls, fight and interrupt. They're being raised to always be the center of attention...either through positive or negative behavior. There is very little real discipline and very little follow-through on behavior issues. In fact, I think they're parents somehow find their extreme behavior funny and charming. And they're allowed to raise their kids however they see fit...the problem comes in when we have to babysit...its literally exhausting and I have lots of energy. These kids just never stop.

We both have demanding careers...so weekends are precious time for me to relax, catch up on sleep, and have quiet/relaxing time. I've already raised my kids and I'm younger than my husband so I'm not yet really in the phase of life where kids are a novelty for me. 

I'm fine with giving my relaxing week up once a month to watch the kids, however, they are WILD. When I watch them, its my rules...so while I want them to have fun, I don't let them run crazy but they're not used to it and its very trying. They don't respond well to normal discipline. They constantly challenge rules and authority and don't listen until I really put my foot down. Usually by the time they leave, I'm worn out and really over it.

So moving closer worries me. My husband's daughter is young and has high expectations for us to babysit and I hate to be the one to say no...but honestly, I don't know if I can take watching the kids more often. It really is a big commitment for me just the amount we already do it.

I know this about setting boundaries and my husband won't have any problem with me doing that. After the kids leave, we both agree that they're hard to watch but I just know moving closer will mean that they're asking to visit more and asking us to babysit more and I'm trying to figure out a way to diplomatically say no.

Anyone have any experience with this?


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## T&T

EnigmaGirl said:


> My husband has 2 beautiful granddaughters. I know this about setting boundaries and my husband won't have any problem with me doing that. After the kids leave, we both agree that they're hard to watch


Hi EG,

His daughter, his grandkids, his problem. 

You both know what you want but he needs to set the boundaries, prior to the move.


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## EnigmaGirl

> Hi EG,
> 
> His daughter, his grandkids, his problem.
> 
> You both know what you want but he needs to set the boundaries, prior to the move.


I totally agree its his problem and I agree that he needs to deal with it.

My husband is a doting father (which I love) and I'm trying not to be unaccommodating.

Like I said, I'm pretty sure my husband will be fine with me setting boundaries and will communicate that to her but I also know she's got a very slight entitlement thing (she's young) and she may interpret this badly. So I'm just trying to see if anyone's had a similar situation.

To tell you the truth. I've been rethinking the location we're talking about moving....it might be better for us to plan a location further away.

Sometimes moving too close to family can be a bad thing.


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## giddiot

EnigmaGirl said:


> My husband has 2 beautiful granddaughters. I love them...they're sweet girls. They're also very attached to me. We babysit them about once a month at a minimum...sometimes more often.
> 
> 
> 
> Here's the issue.
> 
> 
> 
> We're planning on moving closer to my husband's family (currently we're about 4 hours away)...which is great. However, I'm a little worried about being too close because of potential babysitting issues.
> 
> 
> 
> Again, I adore the kids but they're definitely raised differently than I'm used to. In my family, there's just a lot more discipline. For instance, when I was a kid and with my own kids there were rules. We/they weren't allowed to scream, destroy furniture (standing on it, jumping on it, eating on it), interrupt adult conversations, etc.
> 
> 
> 
> These children are being raised differently. They're very, very, very loud. They scream, yell, run into walls, fight and interrupt. They're being raised to always be the center of attention...either through positive or negative behavior. There is very little real discipline and very little follow-through on behavior issues. In fact, I think they're parents somehow find their extreme behavior funny and charming. And they're allowed to raise their kids however they see fit...the problem comes in when we have to babysit...its literally exhausting and I have lots of energy. These kids just never stop.
> 
> 
> 
> We both have demanding careers...so weekends are precious time for me to relax, catch up on sleep, and have quiet/relaxing time. I've already raised my kids and I'm younger than my husband so I'm not yet really in the phase of life where kids are a novelty for me.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm fine with giving my relaxing week up once a month to watch the kids, however, they are WILD. When I watch them, its my rules...so while I want them to have fun, I don't let them run crazy but they're not used to it and its very trying. They don't respond well to normal discipline. They constantly challenge rules and authority and don't listen until I really put my foot down. Usually by the time they leave, I'm worn out and really over it.
> 
> 
> 
> So moving closer worries me. My husband's daughter is young and has high expectations for us to babysit and I hate to be the one to say no...but honestly, I don't know if I can take watching the kids more often. It really is a big commitment for me just the amount we already do it.
> 
> 
> 
> I know this about setting boundaries and my husband won't have any problem with me doing that. After the kids leave, we both agree that they're hard to watch but I just know moving closer will mean that they're asking to visit more and asking us to babysit more and I'm trying to figure out a way to diplomatically say no.
> 
> 
> 
> Anyone have any experience with this?



Enforce your rules, we do when we have ours. They actually respect the extra discipline. They won't be perfect but that's the cost of babysitting for the parents. You do it your way.


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## SecondTime'Round

So, where you are now, are overnights involved in babysitting? If you move closer, will overnights no longer be involved?


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## T&T

EnigmaGirl said:


> I totally agree its his problem and I agree that he needs to deal with it.
> 
> My husband is a doting father (which I love) and I'm trying not to be unaccommodating.
> 
> Like I said, I'm pretty sure my husband will be fine with me setting boundaries and will communicate that to her but *I also know she's got a very slight entitlement thing (she's young) and she may interpret this badly. * So I'm just trying to see if anyone's had a similar situation.


Too bad for her. She'll get over it. We have children and several grandchildren close by.

Rule #1) No "pop overs" Text or call first.

Rule #2) We need notice if you want us to babysit. We have lives and a schedule too. 

Rule #3) We need even more notice if it's an overnight sit.

Rule #4) We won't always be able to accommodate you.

They're pretty simple and all of the kids respect them. I see no reason for her to get upset about the fact that you and your husband have things to do.


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## happy as a clam

Firm and clear boundaries upfront. Simply make it clear (no matter where you live) that once a month is all you will be able to do. Period. No further explanation is needed.

And I agree with T&T... No "pop overs", no last minute drop offs, no "We can't find a sitter, can YOU watch them?" No, no and no.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink

I agree with what @T&T said about establishing your boundaries ahead of time.

Since grandparents were invented their mode and manner of raising kids has been different than how their kids are raising kids.

When they come to your house remind them of your rules, reinforce them as soon as they respond positively and use stickers, depending on how old they are, to keep track of rule following. This is a positive only behavior modification system that is perfect for grand parents who do not want to punish their grandchildren for behavior those kids get away with at home. 

I never let my young ones take food or drink out of the kitchen. Drove me nuts when friends, and family came over and thought nothing of allowing their kids to climb all over my furniture with a chewy bar in one hand and sticky fingers in the other hand!


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## EnigmaGirl

> So, where you are now, are overnights involved in babysitting? If you move closer, will overnights no longer be involved?


We do overnights now about once a month. Most of the time we babysit, its an overnight visit.

They just don't ask us as much now as I'm sure they will when we're closer. Honestly once a month is more than enough for me. I'd rather just visit rather than babysit because babysitting is a bit of a chore because of the way the children behave.


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## EnigmaGirl

> Too bad for her. She'll get over it. We have children and several grandchildren close by.
> 
> Rule #1) No "pop overs" Text or call first.
> 
> Rule #2) We need notice if you want us to babysit. We have lives and a schedule too.
> 
> Rule #3) We need even more notice if it's an overnight sit.
> 
> Rule #4) We won't always be able to accommodate you.
> 
> They're pretty simple and all of the kids respect them. I see no reason for her to get upset about the fact that you and your husband have things to do.


Good rules!


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## EnigmaGirl

> I never let my young ones take food or drink out of the kitchen. Drove me nuts when friends, and family came over and thought nothing of allowing their kids to climb all over my furniture with a chewy bar in one hand and sticky fingers in the other hand!


I have the same rules...all food at the kitchen table. 

After the kids leave, I generally spend at least 2 hours cleaning. They're just a mess.

Another parenting style difference is that when my kids were small, they had a play area. Their toys were only allowed there. I HATE having toys all over the kitchen and living area.

When we go to my step-daughter's house, there is just kid crap everywhere. 

Its just a generational difference in parenting styles. I think if I hadn't just finished raising my own kids, I'd be more open to the whole experience. The truth is that I'm at the stage in my life where the last thing I want to do with my precious weekend time is deal with badly disciplined small kids. Its tough because I really want to be around them but I'd rather visit and leave instead of babysit.


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## Cara

These are good rules and making them clear will head off any disagreements before they can pop up. 



T&T said:


> Rule #1) No "pop overs" Text or call first.
> 
> Rule #2) We need notice if you want us to babysit. We have lives and a schedule too.
> 
> Rule #3) We need even more notice if it's an overnight sit.
> 
> Rule #4) We won't always be able to accommodate you.
> 
> 
> 
> *One more to add:* *Rule #5) Our house our rules. If the grandkids cannot/will not follow grandparent's rules of behavior they will be picked up by the parents, day or night.*
> 
> 
> My kids are only 6 & 8, so I don't know about handling grandkid, but when my kids' friends are over to play they are subject to our house rules, which are often different than their own.
> 
> Kids are told once when they are misbehaving and informed that if it happens again they will have to leave. I have never had to actually call their parents to pick them up because they know I am serious.
> 
> The kids seem to respect my word more than their own parents when it is time to leave and the parent is telling the kid to put their shoes on or get their coat. I'd say 4 out of 5 times the kid only does what he was told when I step in. It seems like an sad way to have a relationship with your kids.
Click to expand...


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## turnera

EnigmaGirl said:


> I'm fine with giving my relaxing week up once a month to watch the kids, however, they are WILD. When I watch them, its my rules...so while I want them to have fun, I don't let them run crazy but they're not used to it and its very trying. They don't respond well to normal discipline. They constantly challenge rules and authority and don't listen until I really put my foot down. Usually by the time they leave, I'm worn out and really over it.
> 
> So moving closer worries me. My husband's daughter is young and has high expectations for us to babysit and I hate to be the one to say no...but honestly, I don't know if I can take watching the kids more often. It really is a big commitment for me just the amount we already do it.


Two thoughts. First, if you do watch them more, they will probably start responding to your structure. Kids really DO want it, and respond to it, and will settle in if they get it enough. So there could be a period of adjustment but then relative ease.

Second, you will always be the elder, so USE it. And take the emotion out of it, just as you would have done with your kids when they were young. "DIL, I'd love to watch the kids but it will be under our rules, not yours, and if we have other plans, don't be surprised when I tell you no, we can't watch them. And we won't accept you just dropping them off without first making plans with us. Just preparing you now." And if she throws a fit, that just makes her look petty and stupid. Her choice. But she WILL end up respecting you, whether she wants to or not. The trick is telling them UP FRONT what your expectations are so that when she DOES try to railroad you, you just say no and include "We told you what our rules are. You chose to ignore them."


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## NobodySpecial

EnigmaGirl said:


> I have the same rules...all food at the kitchen table.
> 
> After the kids leave, I generally spend at least 2 hours cleaning. They're just a mess.
> 
> Another parenting style difference is that when my kids were small, they had a play area. Their toys were only allowed there. I HATE having toys all over the kitchen and living area.
> 
> When we go to my step-daughter's house, there is just kid crap everywhere.
> 
> Its just a generational difference in parenting styles. I think if I hadn't just finished raising my own kids, I'd be more open to the whole experience. The truth is that I'm at the stage in my life where the last thing I want to do with my precious weekend time is deal with badly disciplined small kids. Its tough because I really want to be around them but I'd rather visit and leave instead of babysit.


If you wanted to, you could invest in setting different limits in your home. For messes, WHEN they clean it up, THEN they can do activity XYZ. People who play, clean up. When they are done with something, they clean it up before the next thing. Since you don't see them daily (thankfully!) you cannot use a Saturday box. But you can use a September box. Oh well I guess you are not ready for this toy. We can bring it down again in September and try again.

Freedoms are granted as responsibility is demonstrated. It is kind of a drag having raised your own kids. But maybe a short term investment will improve the quality of visits over the long term.


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## EnigmaGirl

> Two thoughts. First, if you do watch them more, they will probably start responding to your structure. Kids really DO want it, and respond to it, and will settle in if they get it enough. So there could be a period of adjustment but then relative ease.


The kids respond ok to my rules when we're watching them but they constantly challenge authority. They are boundary pushers because they've learned at home that they're the center of attention and adults are malleable. It means that I often have very strict and firm in a way that is just tiring. Definitely something I didn't have to do with my own kids.

I just find babysitting them exhausting and don't want to do it more than we already do. I think its just going to be a matter of me very clearly saying "no" like so many of you have suggested.

I hope that doesn't mean I can't visit the kids though because I like to go see them...they're really cute kids.

Funny enough, this week the kid's mom was complaining that people come over and never stay long. 

I think there's a truism that people with badly behaved kids never understand that their kids are unruly and hard to be around for long periods of time.


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## turnera

Who better to tell her/him the truth than grandma?


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