# Getting my mind right for new R after divorce. How long???



## bobsmith

I parted ways with my ex approx 6mo ago. Never was a really perfect R but I took it hard. I am now in an absolutely electric R with a new lady and we seem to click in ways that are just shocking to both of us! SOOO natural and I highly suspect this to be "the one" which is a mutual feeling for us. 

However, we have had to have a few talks about my head just not being "right" yet. I was with my ex 12yrs and being with someone new in bed is different for me. I cannot even explain how natural we are together! But, for some reason, I keep getting other thoughts in my head. Still trying to get used to co-parenting, still having to talk with my ex on this stuff, and probably still having some feeling for my ex, maybe only sexually. 

The stark difference I see here is I hooked up with my ex primarily as sexual attraction and the accidental child put us together. With my current R, I determined that I really did not even care if I got her in the sack, I just wanted to get to know her and learn about her. The more I learn, the more I like! Her bod is a work of art but I am still fighting to make that my normal now. 

On a sensitive subject, last night I seemed to have no problem being fully erect with her for an hour but I did not climax. I am not sure if it because she is super smooth and I am not getting the right sensations, or if my head is just not clear enough yet. I get her there several times and I know she is happy there but this is going to be an issue if I don't get this fixed. Oral action has not been an issue for me. 

I am not looking for sex support but trying to learn if this can truly be my head needing cleaned out or something more. How long should this process take? To be totally done mentally with an ex?


----------



## Dedicated2Her

bobsmith said:


> I parted ways with my ex approx 6mo ago. Never was a really perfect R but I took it hard. I am now in an absolutely electric R with a new lady and we seem to click in ways that are just shocking to both of us! SOOO natural and I highly suspect this to be "the one" which is a mutual feeling for us.
> 
> However, we have had to have a few talks about my head just not being "right" yet. I was with my ex 12yrs and being with someone new in bed is different for me. I cannot even explain how natural we are together! But, for some reason, I keep getting other thoughts in my head. Still trying to get used to co-parenting, still having to talk with my ex on this stuff, and probably still having some feeling for my ex, maybe only sexually.
> 
> The stark difference I see here is I hooked up with my ex primarily as sexual attraction and the accidental child put us together. With my current R, I determined that I really did not even care if I got her in the sack, I just wanted to get to know her and learn about her. The more I learn, the more I like! Her bod is a work of art but I am still fighting to make that my normal now.
> 
> On a sensitive subject, last night I seemed to have no problem being fully erect with her for an hour but I did not climax. I am not sure if it because she is super smooth and I am not getting the right sensations, or if my head is just not clear enough yet. I get her there several times and I know she is happy there but this is going to be an issue if I don't get this fixed. Oral action has not been an issue for me.
> 
> I am not looking for sex support but trying to learn if this can truly be my head needing cleaned out or something more. How long should this process take? To be totally done mentally with an ex?


Ahh yes. You are into the "rebound" relationship. Based upon how long you were with your ex, I would say it is going to take some time to "get your head right". You parted ways with the 'ex' 6 months ago? How long have you been dating new girl? And, why in the world are you having talks with her about being "the one"? Is she divorced? How long has she been single?

Honestly, you will have residual triggers for a very long time. I'm 2.5 years into it, and I still have my moments. Few, but they happen. I've been dating my gf for 20 months, and I still have moments of strangeness.


----------



## SamuraiJack

Sure does sound like a rebound doesnt it?


----------



## Mo24

I had similar physical issues with the girl I was dating when going through and after divorce. I dont really have an answer but I think I was just used to the physical connection I had with my wife for so many years and it was hard to get used to someone different, as great as she was.


----------



## bobsmith

I fully understand and expect everyone to go with the "rebound feelings" here. However, I respectfully disagree. Met plenty of women and never had a connection like this.


----------



## ne9907

bobsmith said:


> I fully understand and expect everyone to go with the "rebound feelings" here. However, I respectfully disagree. Met plenty of women and never had a connection like this.


Good for you! GO head and ride into the sunset and enjoy your one and only true love....


----------



## bobsmith

Well ok, that is not helpful. Lets just take all that crap off the table for now. How long after a long R before you can feel fully engaged in another intimately?


----------



## SamuraiJack

Okay Bob,
I always take people at their word if they are certain.

Erectile problems? Yeah I had that too. The first woman I was with was just could not get me off. It HAD been a while and I was simply not going anywhere. Standing tall wasnt the problem at all. 
That soldier just simply wouldnt play taps.
When she left the next morning she was feeling a little down because she had more fun that I did. Told me to call her next time I had an erection lasting longer than four hours..

Yes. You guessed it. My head was not clear enough and I was looking for the "old " signs and smells and simply wasnt getting them. 
They call it delayed ejaculation and its pretty much a temporary thing unless you have nerve damage of some type. 
Enjoy it.
Be super stud for a while.

Now as to the question of "how long?"...

It varies from person to person. Some people jump right back on the horse and never look back. Some people take a lot longer. Its taken me a few years to be good with what happened. It also makes a difference if you are the Leaver or the Leavee. Leavers tend to be ahead of the game in terms of "getting over it"...but bring other things to the table.

I would advise caution and to proceed slowly and truly enjoy the other person in the process. See if you can stretch out the honeymoon a little.
This could indeed be a rebound and you might find yourself three months from now asking yourself what you ever saw in this person.
Or it may be the real deal.
I hope it is.
But my advice is to keep your ears and eyes open for flags and just drop everything into second gear and enjoy the ride.


----------



## SamuraiJack

bobsmith said:


> Well ok, that is not helpful. Lets just take all that crap off the table for now. How long after a long R before you can feel fully engaged in another intimately?


Took me a year and a half to truly allow myself to feel it.
Fact is you may never be able to engage 100% if it was a hard breakup.
Be honest, be yourself, and be as good a man as you can.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Six months out of a twelve year relationship is too fast. Your head is no where near ready for this. Of course you think its perfect, you have a woman who actually likes you, not your XW. There is no set time for how long it takes to get yourself and your mind right, but I can guarantee its longer than six months!


----------



## Rowan

Bob, do you remember a couple of threads ago when I told you that you were a hot mess? You laughingly agreed that you were. 

So, how long after a breakup to get your head on straight for a new relationship? I would say that you would need to _not_ be a hot mess for at least 6 months. 

In other words, longer than it's been.


----------



## bobsmith

Well.... I was really not looking to dive into my new R with this post but please understand, I am in my mid 30s and after a session with my therapist, even she agrees that since my previous R never was good, this is not like we were ever a solid deal anyway so very possible that I will be just fine. 

What she thinks is going on is a sensory overload from being neglected for a decade. However, this goes WAY beyond her just liking me. I have plenty of women that want to date me but this one "fits" me in about every single way. Spiritually, physically, emotionally, etc. NEITHER of us expected this to take off like it has and I will say, regardless, I am not walking away from this without some better sign that we are not right. We get along like best friends. 

The therapist indicated that this might actually be the medicine I need to snap me out of my old ways. I don't know yet how to handle all of it but I am going to keep trying regardless. 

What is odd to me is I was the aggressor last night and got her all hot, then had sex for an hour, after which we laid and talked and touched for an hour. It just goes a LOT beyond just a fling for both of us but I think she has almost made this too easy. I don't have to chase her! I think I have been desperate for this level of attention for YEARS and now that I have it, I don't know how to handle it!


----------



## Fenix

SamuraiJack said:


> Took me a year and a half to truly allow myself to feel it.
> Fact is you may never be able to engage 100% if it was a hard breakup.
> Be honest, be yourself, and be as good a man as you can.



This. And don't worry if it is a rebound. Some rebounds work out. And if it doesn't, it still might be just what you need.


----------



## samyeagar

Rebound has such a negative connotation, when all it really is is the first relationship after the breakup of the long term relationship...nothing more, nothing less.

I married my rebound after a 17 year marriage. My rebound and I started dating three months before my divorce was finalized. Sounds bad right? No way I was emotionally ready right? The thing is, every relationship is different. My marriage to my ex wife was dead four years before the divorce. I had four years to emotionally detach and I made the absolute most of it.


----------



## PBear

I'm with my "rebound" relationship for the last 3.5 years, after only being weeks out of a 17 year marriage. But I wasn't talking about her being "the one" in the first month (or even three).

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## samyeagar

PBear said:


> I'm with my "rebound" relationship for the last 3.5 years, after only being weeks out of a 17 year marriage. But I wasn't talking about her being "the one" in the first month (or even three).
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, neither was I. I was multi dating at the time we met, and other women just happened to fall by the wayside as time went on. Note...that is multi dating, not sleeping around.


----------



## PBear

samyeagar said:


> Yeah, neither was I. I was multi dating at the time we met, and other women just happened to fall by the wayside as time went on. Note...that is multi dating, not sleeping around.


Mine was supposed to be a purely sexual NSA type thing... Whoops. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dedicated2Her

It depends on a lot of things. I'm 36, extremely fit with a great career. My rebound was amazing, but I was really able to separate the emotions and look at it logically. Ultimately, I wanted someone with a larger group of friends or, in other words, more sustained friendships. Yeah, I'm picky as frick.

But, verbally talking about being the one so quickly opens up Pandora's box emotionally....clouding judgement on both sides. Good luck with that.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## bravenewworld

bobsmith said:


> Well.... I was really not looking to dive into my new R with this post but please understand, I am in my mid 30s and after a session with my therapist, even she agrees that since my previous R never was good, this is not like we were ever a solid deal anyway so very possible that I will be just fine.
> 
> What she thinks is going on is a sensory overload from being neglected for a decade. However, this goes WAY beyond her just liking me. I have plenty of women that want to date me but this one "fits" me in about every single way. Spiritually, physically, emotionally, etc. NEITHER of us expected this to take off like it has and I will say, regardless, I am not walking away from this without some better sign that we are not right. We get along like best friends.
> 
> *The therapist indicated that this might actually be the medicine I need to snap me out of my old ways. * I don't know yet how to handle all of it but I am going to keep trying regardless.
> 
> What is odd to me is I was the aggressor last night and got her all hot, then had sex for an hour, after which we laid and talked and touched for an hour. It just goes a LOT beyond just a fling for both of us but I think she has almost made this too easy. I don't have to chase her! I think I have been desperate for this level of attention for YEARS and now that I have it, I don't know how to handle it!


Bolded the above because I found it really odd. It's VERY unusual for a therapist to recommend a patient rely on a burgeoning romantic relationship to be the primary motivation for behavioral change. 

Honestly I'm a bit flabbergasted. But seriously, enjoy the ride. Those romance/sex chemicals feel REAL good.


----------



## SamuraiJack

bravenewworld said:


> Bolded the above because I found it really odd. It's VERY unusual for a therapist to recommend a patient rely on a burgeoning romantic relationship to be the primary motivation for behavioral change.
> 
> Honestly I'm a bit flabbergasted. But seriously, enjoy the ride. Those romance/sex chemicals feel REAL good.


Sounds more like his therapist knows there is no way to talk him out of it so they are just supporting the ride.


----------



## bobsmith

Well, I have learned that admitting what I might be thinking was not a good idea!!! Even if I mention "the one" here, I AM looking at this VERY subjectively as I wade through this pool of fun. I am not about to make another mistake that will make me miserable again. There won't be any wedding bells or rings for quite a while. 

What I really mean by "the one" is lots and lots of things line up for us in this deal that is REALLY hard to find or at least has been for me!! I know people say "there are millions of them" but I don't have time to wade through millions of them. We both believe we met for a reason and not yet sure what that reason is. Could entirely be I needed this person to get over my ex, could be this is "the one", could be that I needed a hottie in my life to boost my confidence. I can say I stand taller having her with me yet is still someone I want my mom to meet. Hot yet very family oriented. 

I am still pretty shocked how comfortable we are already with the sleep overs and waking up, etc. It just flows really well. We have not had an awkward moment yet! I KNOW that we have yet to have a conflict or issue so still not sure how we will handle that. That will be a big test. 

I am extremely picky and so is she. However, it does seem that she is really happy with me but I think I honestly do see a few things to work on like letting the kiddo run around with a chapstick in her hand. I guess I don't like to let kids destroy a home. I also know she is not loaded up with smarts and I sort of like interacting with the smart ones. Whether that will become an issue, I don't know but she does enjoy getting in and learning about my smart hobbies which is promising. 

I know I have to look well beyond her looks and she is still a little overwhelmed with all my smart guy glitches like learning and doing things just to gain experience. I take on tasks just to see if I can do them. She is not like that. Her hobby is running. 

I don't think she has had someone EVER reciprocate with a big heart and just enjoying the feelings of that. I am too but I realize I have to put distance between us so we can converse and interact. We will be together this weekend so we will see how this goes.


----------



## SamuraiJack

I suggest each of you go here:
Http://www.5lovelanguages.com
and take the love tests.

Post your results here. It may be that you two are VERY similar in your lanagauges which would explain the very fast closure.


----------



## bobsmith

I have taken that test and proved out a coupled BIG differences between my ex and I. She used to bring home stuff from the store for me. That was her way of showing love. It was not enough for me. I would rather have affection than gifts.

I don't think there would be any big surprise that my new girl is the same as me. We both crave touch and affection.


----------



## Dedicated2Her

> but I don't have time to wade through millions of them.



AND, here is the core of it. Good luck. 



> What I really mean by "the one" is lots and lots of things line up for us in this deal that is REALLY hard to find or at least has been for me!


I know, right? That six months away from your ex sounds like it was really hard for you to find this. 

Emotions can really cloud things.



> I don't think there would be any big surprise that my new girl is the same as me. We both crave touch and affection.


For the moment. The one thing you will realize as you go through post divorce dating is that there are a ton of manipulative people out there. Yeah, you could be in the 5% that end up happy, healthy, with their "rebound", but it is unlikely. I hope you are right.


----------



## bobsmith

I think one thing you miss is all that time with my ex was time to really figure out what I want and what I am missing!!!

That relationship was actually very good other than two keys for me. Affection and church practices. I pretty much have a list of things that are a must for me I believe. So far there is very little I don't like so far BUT, as I said, I am sure something more will reveal itself, either me or her. She has not seen me mad yet and she might run for the hills when she sees me blow it. I don't go off on my on partner though, just about things breaking or getting screwed up.


----------



## Wolf1974

I have had a relationship rebound and I have been the rebound guy. Not all circumstances are the same and some people can fold from one marriage into another. For me when I am looking for a relationship I take into account when their last serious relationship was, why it ended, and how stable they are now.

When you date a lot through online dating you come across a lot of people who are still in process of getting divorced. My personal belief is you can't start something new when you are still dealing with something old. Hence why I was once the rebound guy. For dating and fun I don't worry about these things but for a relationship they need to be done with and have some distance from their last relationship.


----------



## Mo24

bobsmith said:


> Well, I have learned that admitting what I might be thinking was not a good idea!!! Even if I mention "the one" here, I AM looking at this VERY subjectively as I wade through this pool of fun. I am not about to make another mistake that will make me miserable again. There won't be any wedding bells or rings for quite a while.
> 
> What I really mean by "the one" is lots and lots of things line up for us in this deal that is REALLY hard to find or at least has been for me!! I know people say "there are millions of them" but I don't have time to wade through millions of them. We both believe we met for a reason and not yet sure what that reason is. Could entirely be I needed this person to get over my ex, could be this is "the one", could be that I needed a hottie in my life to boost my confidence. I can say I stand taller having her with me yet is still someone I want my mom to meet. Hot yet very family oriented.
> 
> I am still pretty shocked how comfortable we are already with the sleep overs and waking up, etc. It just flows really well. We have not had an awkward moment yet! I KNOW that we have yet to have a conflict or issue so still not sure how we will handle that. That will be a big test.
> 
> I am extremely picky and so is she. However, it does seem that she is really happy with me but I think I honestly do see a few things to work on like letting the kiddo run around with a chapstick in her hand. I guess I don't like to let kids destroy a home. I also know she is not loaded up with smarts and I sort of like interacting with the smart ones. Whether that will become an issue, I don't know but she does enjoy getting in and learning about my smart hobbies which is promising.
> 
> I know I have to look well beyond her looks and she is still a little overwhelmed with all my smart guy glitches like learning and doing things just to gain experience. I take on tasks just to see if I can do them. She is not like that. Her hobby is running.
> 
> I don't think she has had someone EVER reciprocate with a big heart and just enjoying the feelings of that. I am too but I realize I have to put distance between us so we can converse and interact. We will be together this weekend so we will see how this goes.


Sounds very much like my rebound and me. Except we had similar geeky interests. Sadly, I had to break it off after 7 months of dating. Started to have 'marriage' flashbacks when I realized I DO have to answer to someone I am in a committed relationship with.


----------



## Dedicated2Her

bobsmith said:


> I think one thing you miss is all that time with my ex was time to really figure out what I want and what I am missing!!!



Preaching to the choir. I did in house separation for 1.8 years before I got divorced. I get it. It still doesn't change the fact that you are in a new relationship and are in absolute "gush" mode in a brand new relationship, which as a recently divorced adult, usually spells disaster. Someone is going to get hurt in this more than likely. I did it. I hurt a girl pretty bad. She was amazing, had been divorced for about 4 years, and I crushed her at about the 3-4 month mark when I just backed away. Too much, too fast, and I started to see some flags which made me back off. Was that fair to her? Not really.


----------



## Chuck71

My rebound started a few weeks before D was final. We are 18 

months in. Did I intend for it to last this long? No. Do I see her as

the one? I honestly do not. But maybe I'm just not feeling what I

did for X. Maybe I never will. No one knows the future. If one did

s/he would unseat Bill Gates as the world's wealthiest person 

somewhere between October and November. Do I see a wedding

with new gal? I don't.


----------



## PBear

How long have you been dating? And it seems like the kids are all mixed and mingled, since you talk about seeing her kids run around with Chapstick?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bobsmith

I am not going into how long we have been dating, bla, bla. This seems to have become a warning thread and apparently everyone else knows our relationship better than we do. 

She has one kiddo that will be two. I don't see running with chapstick a "run for the hills" deal. What I have learned over the years is it is not so much the problems, but how you resolve and compromise on them that make the difference. We have not done that yet. 

I am N O T, saying I am shopping for a ring and plan on getting this done by years end!!! All I can tell you is there is a connection here, we both feel it, neither of us have experienced it in our life, and are excited to see what it brings. If it falls flat, so be it, but I sure as hel am NOT walking away because someone on the Inet said it won't work....:scratchhead:

The speed things for us has been mostly how quickly we became comfortable together, how we naturally interact at home as if we have been together for years, etc. Yes I really DO realize that we don't have enough experiences together to know for sure, but there is a lot of indications that we will probably work things out pretty well together. We were headed down the best friend train for weeks before we really hooked up. It was an easy friendship and I know she has a level of trust with me that she has never had with anyone. 

I also realize that for some, total retraction from life for years is the medicine after divorce but one would really have to fully understand the hel I had from the word go on my previous relationship. There probably was not a day that went by that I was truly "happy". We had an accidental kid, we got hooked up, it was a mistake, there ya go... There was certainly and still is sexual attraction but that just is not enough to hold an R together till the end of time.


----------



## Chuck71

You get advice here, sometimes it is not to your liking

most people use their own personal experiences as examples

if someone had a rebound and it did not work, sure they may say it

usually does not. My X was termed by my best friend / IC as a 

rebound after my 2nd love and I split for good. Nobody knows how

the first relationship after D will go, not even the parties involved.


----------



## Rowan

PBear said:


> How long have you been dating? And it seems like the kids are all mixed and mingled, since you talk about seeing her kids run around with Chapstick?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He posted in the Ladies' Lounge on 8-02-14 about her and indicated that they hadn't yet had their first date but had been talking for a few days.


----------



## PBear

Rowan said:


> He posted in the Ladies' Lounge on 8-02-14 about her and indicated that they hadn't yet had their first date but had been talking for a few days.


Ugh. I was afraid of that. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bobsmith

Yes, it is a dismal situation!!! I am hating it! But I guess I will keep sleeping over there just to make sure! lol


----------



## PBear

Carry on, then. I'm wondering why all the threads asking for advice if you're so damn happy and confident...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bobsmith

Well, it is apparent that I am not 100% cured of my previous drama and I guess the right one to ask is myself on how long this might take to purge that. 

That does not mean I am going to walk away from this new R because I guess for me, getting in a new R is the best way for me to nail the coffin on the old R.


----------



## samyeagar

bobsmith said:


> Well, it is apparent that I am not 100% cured of my previous drama and I guess the right one to ask is myself on how long this might take to purge that.
> 
> That does not mean I am going to walk away from this new R because I guess for me, getting in a new R is the best way for me to nail the coffin on the old R.


Hopefully not at the cost of a wonderful stable woman's emotional well being.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bobsmith

I would NOT still be in this deal if I did not have a high level of confidence in it. The fact that she does too is reassuring. 

This seems goofy but I have to rely on some level of instinct here. I found a keeper before and decided to act afool. Getting my part right this time. Thing is, my brain shifted when I met her, cannot explain it. I moved away from "getting laid" that night and knew I wanted to know her better. I realized that if my first impression is a little on the fence, I will be on the fence down the road. This was nothing of the sort. 

Just compelled to see where it goes. If someone gets hurt, it is life.... But I have a feeling if it goes down, it will be mutual and we will remain friends regardless.


----------



## Mo24

wait....this is less than one month in?


----------



## Chuck71

after one month......I'm still trying to be polite and not fart around the woman


----------



## Dedicated2Her

> I am not going into how long we have been dating, bla, bla.





> He posted in the Ladies' Lounge on 8-02-14 about her and indicated that they hadn't yet had their first date but had been talking for a few days.





> If someone gets hurt, it is life....


:smthumbup: This is going to be interesting. Please, post more down the line. Good luck.


----------



## bobsmith

Should know more after all weekend together. We have a few people to visit and a wedding to go to next weekend. 

The only main issues I see so far is she is VERY affectionate, to a point I might have to get her to tone it down a touch. I like to chase a little. She is also very tan and attractive. Not bad problems to have but makes me self aware with my pale azz. What ev, my previous girl was even darker and athletic and did not seem to bother her a bit. 

Our level of comfort at home is very oddly comfortable. Brush teeth in bathroom together, she will walk around nearly naked around me and indicated that is a first ever for her. Just said I have a very calming, secure, protective aura about me. I am just being me but I know I am protective and constantly aware of my surroundings.


----------



## Openminded

Mo24 said:


> wait....this is less than one month in?


Yep. Read his other threads. They're very interesting.

OP -- This is your life, obviously, but it's hers too. I realize it's pointless to tell you to be cautious but it would be better for you if you could be.


----------



## devotion

YMMV, but I was married for 14 years, but like another poster my relationship was dead in the water for at least four years of that 14. Divorce took about six months to finalize, and six months after that I started dating, still with that girl and may marry her. 

I may be the stupidest man alive, but at least I feel happy..


----------



## Mo24

Openminded said:


> Yep. Read his other threads. They're very interesting.
> 
> OP -- This is your life, obviously, but it's hers too. I realize it's pointless to tell you to be cautious but it would be better for you if you could be.


I did read the other posts. Wow. Hope it works out but I went down the same path-- minus the talking about wedding bells the first week-- and really hurt the girl. I feel terrible about it and it was my fault; she didnt deserve it.


----------



## poppyseed

Chuck71 said:


> You get advice here, sometimes it is not to your liking
> 
> most people use their own personal experiences as examples
> 
> if someone had a rebound and it did not work, sure they may say it
> 
> usually does not.


I agree. People's comment may not be to his liking on a forum. Personally, it doesn't matter if it's a rebound or not. Whether this R is going to last long-term depends on other factors other than sexual compatibility on its own which incidentally OP had already recognized. Hope it will last for you but as you know, R never comes with a guarantee attached to it. Give it 6 months / a year then 2 years. Just don't get married. Good luck!


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Chuck71 said:


> after one month......I'm still trying to be polite and not fart around the woman


:rofl:

Bob if you are happy, then that is what matters. Just know that you are going to be in a weird head space sometimes after what you have just been through. Being prepared for it will help you work through it.


----------



## bobsmith

Thanks! I know in my heart this is the rightest feeling I have ever had and just have to trust it for now. I agree, my head is not 100% right now but I am trying to be upfront about it, she is willing to give me the time I need, and I do not plan to walk away just because I am feeling a little "odd" at times. I think even if I was "100%" or whatever, there are kids involved here. There WILL be weird and uncomfortable.


----------



## Dedicated2Her

I think the real question is why you both are so "desperate". It speaks to the core. My ex started dating a guy, and he proposed 6 weeks into it. Fast forward a year, and they are divorced. If you would have heard them tell it at the beginning, they were "meant to be" and they are "perfect for each other". As my son said it, "There they go..skipping down the rainbow...hand in hand...without a care about anyone else in the world including their children." 

Statistically speaking, people rush into things because they are broken people. When you get 2 broken people together, it ends up being a dysfunctional relationship. Not saying you can't be happy in your dysfunction. It just makes life that much harder. I spend a ton of time mentoring men through divorce or marriage problems. That's where my thoughts come from....not just my own experience.

I always want to know the "why". Why would a woman be "willing to give you the time you need" less than a month into a relationship? What inside her is giving her that thought process? Whatever it is, is going to cause a lot of grief for you down the road in your relationship.


----------



## bobsmith

OK........ You obviously have a VERY skewed view of this relationship. Did I say a word about getting married next month? Next year? All I said is we seem right together and yes, right could mean the dreaded wedding bells..... Time will tell and nothing else!! I have never felt this way with someone, she has not either, we are going to explore it!!

She is willing to give me time because we BOTH see this as a very good match so far and not going to let a couple bumps make her run for the hills. To me, that means she may very well be someone that can commit which is what I want. 

So should she rather say, "huh, you are not 100% perfect right now, I gotta go?" Or should I say, "your kid carried a chap stick around the house, I see major issues here, I gotta bail"? 

What is wrong with people? The fact that we can spend countless hours together and never get bored or tired of each other and crave more means..... we keep going as long as we both desire each other's company!!

I won't even go into the spiritual connection here because that too will be kicked and punched as nonsense....

I was NOT asking if I should be in this R, I was asking how long might it take to normally feel totally over an ex, but I guess that is again, a question for myself it seems.


----------



## bravenewworld

bobsmith said:


> OK........ You obviously have a VERY skewed view of this relationship. Did I say a word about getting married next month? Next year? All I said is we seem right together and yes, right could mean the dreaded wedding bells..... Time will tell and nothing else!! I have never felt this way with someone, she has not either, we are going to explore it!!
> 
> She is willing to give me time because we BOTH see this as a very good match so far and not going to let a couple bumps make her run for the hills. To me, that means she may very well be someone that can commit which is what I want.
> 
> So should she rather say, "huh, you are not 100% perfect right now, I gotta go?" Or should I say, "your kid carried a chap stick around the house, I see major issues here, I gotta bail"?
> 
> What is wrong with people? The fact that we can spend countless hours together and never get bored or tired of each other and crave more means..... we keep going as long as we both desire each other's company!!
> 
> I won't even go into the spiritual connection here because that too will be kicked and punched as nonsense....
> 
> I was NOT asking if I should be in this R, I was asking how long might it take to normally feel totally over an ex, but I guess that is again, a question for myself it seems.


I know you don't want to hear it - but it's just way too soon for that kind of attachment. You aren't mentally done with your last relationship, and as Dedicated pointed out, the fact she's ok with that doesn't say much about her judgment either. 

If it works out, great. But everyone here isn't saying "slow down and learn to enjoy being alone" just to pee on your parade.


----------



## Chuck71

Bobsmith.... I started dating current g/f before my D was final. I get 

how you felt, you had already detached from your X before your D was 

final. I felt the same way, I am pretty sure my X felt that too. She blew every

thing up, I was very hurt but went down the rabbit hole. Around the halfway

point of the waiting period, 60 days, she wanted to open up lines of communication.

But take a guess who was expected to do the heavy lifting.....she blew it up...

it was hers to fix. She gave me the HELP ME...SAVE ME.....RESCUE ME song n dance.

I refused to rescue her from her own actions. I started dating new gal, completely 

chance meeting, and we are still dating. My X... well the day of D....she was very

concerned about how serious I was about us trying to date, now that everything was over.

Two months after D, she invited me over to her apartment for the weekend, would be 

all alone (grown son would not be there), was going to make spaghetti (one of my favs).

I did not take her up on it....6 weeks later she found her "soul mate". 6 more weeks, they

were engaged. She claims they're still together on FB but asked me once face to face about

getting together and twice through an email. All of this is in my three blogs. Most of us are

saying 'be cautious' because what we have seen happen to us and others. I would like 

to know more about your last M and....hers too. Bob before you met her...how long had 

it been since you had sex? How long had it been for her?


----------



## Miss Taken

One post says you were detached years before separating to justify being in an R so quickly. Other posts say you're not totally over the ex wife which could muddy the R. 

Personally I think getting your mind right for a new R is something one should do BEFORE starting a serious R. If this is a casual relationship, that's one thing so long as cards are on the table and you're not using anyone for their affection as a bandaid to grieving the previous relationship. If it's something you or the other is planning on making more serious, I would take the caveats into consideration. Not being over your wife yet doesn't sound promising for an LTR.

Six months is also not a lot of time to be single. There are some people in this world (two of my Uncles) that just don't feel happy unless they're married or in a relationship and in "wuv", (the honeymoon stage) of said union. It's like they can't be alone with themselves, in their own skin and company...very needy.


----------



## bobsmith

I will say that after all weekend together, I have felt a shift in myself away from my ex. I know it is nothing like a light switch but I did a lot of growing away! I think the more experiences we pile on, the better it seems to get in terms of any ex issues. 

I think I had a lot of concern with my ex clouding my mind due to some bedroom complications and I am realizing those issues might have been a little different feelings that I have not felt in a really long time. 

Those bedroom issues were blown out the door over the weekend with some very good experiences!!:smthumbup: We seem to be able to go anywhere or do anything together and navigate things like old friends. Never awkward. Conversations, physical contact, etc, it just flows naturally between us.


----------



## Dedicated2Her

bobsmith said:


> OK........ You obviously have a VERY skewed view of this relationship. Did I say a word about getting married next month? Next year? All I said is we seem right together and yes, right could mean the dreaded wedding bells..... Time will tell and nothing else!! I have never felt this way with someone, she has not either, we are going to explore it!!
> 
> She is willing to give me time because we BOTH see this as a very good match so far and not going to let a couple bumps make her run for the hills. To me, that means she may very well be someone that can commit which is what I want.
> 
> So should she rather say, "huh, you are not 100% perfect right now, I gotta go?" Or should I say, "your kid carried a chap stick around the house, I see major issues here, I gotta bail"?
> 
> What is wrong with people? The fact that we can spend countless hours together and never get bored or tired of each other and crave more means..... we keep going as long as we both desire each other's company!!
> 
> I won't even go into the spiritual connection here because that too will be kicked and punched as nonsense....
> 
> I was NOT asking if I should be in this R, I was asking how long might it take to normally feel totally over an ex, but I guess that is again, a question for myself it seems.


She has never felt this way either? Hmmm, does she have children? Was she married before? If the answer to those two questions is yes...........I'm calling one big ole B*llsh*t. Rewriting history is garbage. It takes a very self aware, whole person to acknowledge that "Yes, my marriage wasn't the best for the latter part of it. Yes, things went downhill quickly after marriage." But, to say the connection was never there in the first place........that's just not true.

The key to understanding your chemicals in your brain is that they "gloss over" and twist your view of what is going on. It's the very reason 75% of second marriages fail. Acknowledging those "feelings" early on to a divorced woman with children is a dangerous path because feelings change over time. Also, it doesn't allow the friendship to truly develop in a natural progression. It is fueled by feelings/chemicals/attraction. 

I started dating my gf less than a year after divorce. I don't have a issue with you dating. What I have an issue with is you raising a woman's expectations of her future with you so quickly. Of course, this is all based upon how you have portrayed the relationship to this board.


----------



## bobsmith

I am certainly not the leader in this process right now. I am the one riding the brakes and I will continue to do that. 

Yes she was married 10yrs ago for a year. One of those marriages where things were planned well in advance and did not feel right closer to the day but did it anyway and regretted it. 

I have a natural instinct as a dad, cuz I am one.... Apparently my interaction with her daughter just melts her but I have to remind her any good father with kids should interact well here. 

I don't feel I am playing with her feelings at ALL. I am mostly just riding along here and reminding her that we need to just spend time together and feel it out. 

She had a very emotional moment this weekend sharing a couple things with me that only one other person knows, not even her family. There is a level of trust here if nothing else. Like really close friends. 

Be reminded that I already knew her friends and family. It was probably easier! We also come from extremely similar backgrounds and upbringing. We practically finish each other's sentences. 

I think EVERYONE here is hung up on the fact that I said the word "wedding". I speak my mind sometimes. That does NOT mean I am not navigating carefully. Some seem to think because of my timeline, I need to run, should run, should not accept what this is. We both know it is a connection worthy of exploration. 

We have both made mistakes that made us who we are today. I know I am able to articulate my feelings better, speak my mind, not hold back on things I need, etc. I used to LIVE in the reserved and cautious camp. It got me nowhere for the last 20yrs.

Dedicated - you mention growth of the friendship side of this and I probably just really suck at explaining things. That is the main part of this that is making it work! We seriously operate like best friends! We met with an immediate physical attraction but us not seeing each other for another month allowed us some time to see if we could communicate as friends. We both have verbalized the large desire to have a partner that is like a best friend.


----------



## Dedicated2Her

bobsmith said:


> I am certainly not the leader in this process right now. I am the one riding the brakes and I will continue to do that.
> 
> Yes she was married 10yrs ago for a year. One of those marriages where things were planned well in advance and did not feel right closer to the day but did it anyway and regretted it.
> 
> I have a natural instinct as a dad, cuz I am one.... Apparently my interaction with her daughter just melts her but I have to remind her any good father with kids should interact well here.
> 
> I don't feel I am playing with her feelings at ALL. I am mostly just riding along here and reminding her that we need to just spend time together and feel it out.
> 
> She had a very emotional moment this weekend sharing a couple things with me that only one other person knows, not even her family. There is a level of trust here if nothing else. Like really close friends.
> 
> Be reminded that I already knew her friends and family. It was probably easier! We also come from extremely similar backgrounds and upbringing. We practically finish each other's sentences.
> 
> I think EVERYONE here is hung up on the fact that I said the word "wedding". I speak my mind sometimes. That does NOT mean I am not navigating carefully. Some seem to think because of my timeline, I need to run, should run, should not accept what this is. We both know it is a connection worthy of exploration.
> 
> We have both made mistakes that made us who we are today. I know I am able to articulate my feelings better, speak my mind, not hold back on things I need, etc. I used to LIVE in the reserved and cautious camp. It got me nowhere for the last 20yrs.
> 
> Dedicated - you mention growth of the friendship side of this and I probably just really suck at explaining things. That is the main part of this that is making it work! We seriously operate like best friends! We met with an immediate physical attraction but us not seeing each other for another month allowed us some time to see if we could communicate as friends. We both have verbalized the large desire to have a partner that is like a best friend.


All of this is based on what? A relationship. Basically, one of the pitfalls that a divorced person has that really digs in to go to therapy and "work on themselves" is that they become really good at "relationships", which ultimately means they suck at "dating". Why? Because they start working through the initial dating stage and turn it into a relationship so fast. Instead of sitting back and watching/observing, they jump in and evaluate the relationship's communication/touch/dynamics as if the relationship had been going on for 10 years.

I mean, she was married 10 years ago for a year? What have her relationships looked like after and before? And, I don't mean how she said they "felt". I'm talking facts. When did they start, when did they end....timelines.....were there specific events that led them to end?

"One of those marriages where things were planned well in advance and did not feel right closer to the day but did it anyway and regretted it."

Why did she regret it? Did he do something warranting a divorce? Did she just "fall out of love"? It doesn't sound very "commit" type. These are very specific, important things you need to know. ESPECIALLY, as a divorced father. Your number 1 priority is the protection of your kids emotionally and physically. Someone's past relationships and their pattern of behavior are big time signs of how they will act in the future. 




> I am mostly just riding along here


Well, you need to change this. You are supposed to be leading, not just riding along hitting the brakes.



> have a natural instinct as a dad, cuz I am one.... Apparently my interaction with her daughter just melts her but I have to remind her any good father with kids should interact well here.


This is absurd. You've known her for a month, and she is ok with you spending time with her daughter? What does that say about her? Not only her, but as a man, that you are ok with that? No boundries. It's going to burn you down the road.


----------



## Mo24

Bob, make sure to come back and let us know when you do decide to get engaged. Would be interested to know how you proposed, etc.


----------

