# How do I become a better husband? [Her love language is gifts]



## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

Hello!

I'm going to try to keep this short and sweet - I have a few problems in my marriage, but this thread isn't to talk about those. I have one question: how do I become a better husband (especially knowing that her love language is "gifts")?

The reason I ask is because whenever my wife and I have any kind of argument, it inevitably ends up with her lamenting how our relationship started (she chased me and I never had to _work_ for her love) and how she always loved me way more than I loved her.

I love my wife and I want to get better at showing her. This isn't because I think it will fix anything in our relationship (maybe it will, maybe it won't), but I have realized for a long time now that I can only do my part to improve our relationship and do my best to address her concerns.

That said: I'm looking for concrete suggestions. I've asked my wife countless times, but she tends to speak in generalities and doesn't give specific examples (no matter how much I implore her to do so). I've read a lot of websites that give the basic suggestions (bring flowers, give small tokens of affection, make a big deal about birthdays, etc.) but is there more to it? I don't often have extra money or time (with good reason) but I want, just one time, for her to tell me that I'm a great husband.

Any takers?


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## Pinkas (Nov 15, 2012)

Seppuku said:


> Hello!
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Sometimes I would just want my husband to call or text me while I'm at work so I know he's thinking about me. I leave my house and if I don't text or call him, I won't have any communication from him until I get home. I will even have to stay late and if I don't text and tell him I'll be late, he'll never attempt to contact me - so just knowing there's someone thinking about me and someone that WANTS me to be with them means the world to me 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

From thinking you're lucky to have her love without working for it to being utterly vague about what you can do to effectively remedy the situation, it sounds like she expects you to see that she IS the gift. 

Why are you arguing so much in the first place? What are you arguing about?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

The key with gifts is to not expect anything, and give ones that are heartfelt. If she says she wants something is passing, make a note of that and get it for her. If she is having an issue with something get her a gift that fixes it. 

Finally and most importantly sometimes just get her gifts that say you love her. If there is something that reminds you of her when you see it, buy it, leave it somewhere where she will find it and write a note about why you bought it. 

"Remember when we did such and such, I will always remember such and such about you", with the gift. 

Get it, you are trying to make that emotional connection with the gift, its not just a gift but a way to show her you get it, you get her and she is special to you.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

I adore your desire to become a better husband. this is great. I assume you guys already read the book the 4 languages. I love this book. 

do you know that most precious gifts are free? spend as much as possible time with her with no distractions. write her love notes/ letters, cook with/ for her. cuddle up with her and watch her favorite movies....etc.pp. 

other wise, I am strongly agree with sokillme's comment.


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

Satya said:


> From thinking you're lucky to have her love without working for it to being utterly vague about what you can do to effectively remedy the situation, it sounds like she expects you to see that she IS the gift.
> 
> Why are you arguing so much in the first place? What are you arguing about?


That is a post for another thread, sadly. I wouldn't say we argue all that often, this is just what happens when we do.


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

SA2017 said:


> I adore your desire to become a better husband. this is great. I assume you guys already read the book the 4 languages. I love this book.
> 
> do you know that most precious gifts are free? spend as much as possible time with her with no distractions. write her love notes/ letters, cook with/ for her. cuddle up with her and watch her favorite movies....etc.pp.
> 
> other wise, I am strongly agree with sokillme's comment.


These are things I already do. A lot.


sokillme said:


> The key with gifts is to not expect anything, and give ones that are heartfelt. If she says she wants something is passing, make a note of that and get it for her. If she is having an issue with something get her a gift that fixes it.
> 
> Finally and most importantly sometimes just get her gifts that say you love her. If there is something that reminds you of her when you see it, buy it, leave it somewhere where she will find it and write a note about why you bought it.
> 
> ...


I try to do this, but I don't have a lot of spare funds most of the time. I think I will try to start saving a small amount in a separate account specifically for this purpose.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Visit Amazon and search for bargains.

Discontinued perfumes, end of line jewellery, bargain CDs, books, etc., all will be available for you. 

Be creative within your budget. 

Try making craft gifts for her, too.

You can buy candle making kits and the like through Amazon.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Seppuku said:


> That is a post for another thread, sadly. I wouldn't say we argue all that often, this is just what happens when we do.


OK then, sure, women just want men to "get it" as @sokillme wrote. Women don't want to have to teach a man how to appreciate them. However, she is also responsible for being honest and clear with you about her needs if you're not fulfilling them. She needs to occasionally verbalize clearly. You're not a mind reader. That's all I'm saying.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Satya said:


> OK then, sure, women just want men to "get it" as @sokillme wrote. Women don't want to have to teach a man how to appreciate them. However, she is also responsible for being honest and clear with you about her needs if you're not fulfilling them. She needs to occasionally verbalize clearly. You're not a mind reader. That's all I'm saying.


Agreed here. She either doesn't know what she wants, or she expects you to be a mind reader. Not saying you can't pick up on cues, and given you have been together a while you should hopefully have a good idea about her and what she likes. However, if you are actually making an effort but she is doing little to help, I don't really see that as a positive (maybe her motive being always having something to hold over you, as you mentioned, she brings this up with every argument). 

Only thing I would add, do things within your budget. If your W needs you to spend all kinds of money to feel appreciated, well, I would seriously question that.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

A woman NEEDS affection and evidence of the affection. It does not have to be grandiose gestures.
A short text
A quick kiss
your hand on the small of her back
going out to the movies
a card to say you love her
a bunch of wild flowers - does not have to be expensive
come home early and start dinner so she can have a break
a gift card for a manicure/pedicure
a cup of coffee in bed
put petrol in her car
an unexpected dinner date - sharing a burger at the local chippy is all it takes
asking her to go with you for a walk
holding hands in public

(ladies can you think of more signs of affection?)

Show her that you think she is of value to you, if something is of value to you (expensive car, watch, golf clubs) you will treat it accordingly. Show that she is of value.

A woman does not need a lot of your time (generally) just needs to know that you care, you think of her, she is a priority in your life.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I would imagine that your wife feels that if she has to tell you what to buy her, then it's not really a gift but rather more in line with you helping out with the shopping. Some people are fine with providing a gift list from which their partner may choose a gift, but your wife doesn't appear to fall into that category. While it may or may not be a rational way to approach the situation, some people just don't feel it's really much of a "gift" if they have to tell you specifically what to give them. 

What lights up her eyes and makes her smile? Is it flowers? Candy? Craft beer? Kitchen tools? Fuzzy sweaters? Wind chimes? What does she mention liking when you two are out and about together? What is she drawn to? Make note of it and get her something small that fits her likes. Bring her a small token that you know she'll enjoy receiving. Leave a small memento on her pillow or some other place she'll find it and be surprised. But, it's hard for us to be really specific because we don't know your wife. If you don't have any good ideas, it may be that _you_ don't really know your wife all that well either. Sadly, not really knowing one's partner all that well is not that uncommon. So, if that's the case, start paying better attention. Figure out what makes your wife smile and buy or find things that do and give them to her. It's likely that it's the knowing her and paying attention to what she likes that will be the best "gift" of all.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Rowan said:


> I would imagine that your wife feels that if she has to tell you what to buy her, then it's not really a gift but rather more in line with you helping out with the shopping. Some people are fine with providing a gift list from which their partner may choose a gift, but your wife doesn't appear to fall into that category. While it may or may not be a rational way to approach the situation, some people just don't feel it's really much of a "gift" if they have to tell you specifically what to give them.
> 
> What lights up her eyes and makes her smile? Is it flowers? Candy? Craft beer? Kitchen tools? Fuzzy sweaters? Wind chimes? What does she mention liking when you two are out and about together? What is she drawn to? Make note of it and get her something small that fits her likes. Bring her a small token that you know she'll enjoy receiving. Leave a small memento on her pillow or some other place she'll find it and be surprised. But, it's hard for us to be really specific because we don't know your wife. If you don't have any good ideas, it may be that _you_ don't really know your wife all that well either. Sadly, not really knowing one's partner all that well is not that uncommon. So, if that's the case, start paying better attention. Figure out what makes your wife smile and buy or find things that do and give them to her. It's likely that it's the knowing her and paying attention to what she likes that will be the best "gift" of all.



One of the most frustrating things for a woman is a husband who doesn't know her, or buys **** that she doesn't want or like. My H does that, he buys stuff he would like, e.g. smart phones, pens, other technological stuff, etc. I would prefer gift cards to go shopping, a nice spa treatment, etc. He buys me great stuff if my daughter is with him though


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

aine said:


> One of the most frustrating things for a woman is a husband who doesn't know her, or buys **** that she doesn't want or like. My H does that, he buys stuff he would like, e.g. smart phones, pens, other technological stuff, etc. I would prefer gift cards to go shopping, a nice spa treatment, etc. He buys me great stuff if my daughter is with him though


I think for many it is naturally easier to buy things for someone that you can relate to. For example, I am a big technology guy, so if I get something tech based from my W it is typically b/c I see it as something that she can benefit from, even if it isn't something she would think of. 

One thing with the gift card, it may be something you prefer but maybe your H finds that as something rather impersonal (i.e. that is usually the gift you get someone when you don't know what else to get them)


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

My love language is also gifts. I like meaningful gifts that make me feel thought of. Protein bars, my favorite juice, a new pair of running shoes, a letter or song lyrics written, a cd, breakfast and coffee, new body wash or lotion, pretty socks, lingerie or pajamas, a new hoodie to work out in, snow globes at christmas, ect. These are all small things my husband has bought me at times that made me feel loved and appreciated. Of course he does jewelry and stuff but these everyday things keep me feeling happy.

With us gift lovers it's not about getting something or material things. It's aboit someone loving us enough to anticipate and meet our needs. Just remember that. Even buying her favorite yogurt or wine at the store is enough to show you love her, know her and want to take care of her.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Seppuku said:


> These are things I already do. A lot.
> 
> I try to do this, but I don't have a lot of spare funds most of the time. I think I will try to start saving a small amount in a separate account specifically for this purpose.


You don't have to give things that cost money. If you read an article that reminds you of her for instance, print it out and highlight what it is that reminds you and write at the bottom, "this is how I think of you". (assuming it's positive :grin2. If you hear a song, put your phone where she can find it and with a posted note and tell her to push play. Then come in the room and tell her that is how you feel about her. It's the emotional connection NOT the material thing (assuming she is not materialistic, if she complains about the cost then that is a different post and a much harder one.)


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

The key to all of this is paying attention to your wife. What does she like? What kind of clothes does she wear? What kind of food does she eat? What does she talk about? Then you tailor your gift to fit what that is. Find things that fit those criteria that are inexpensive. To do this though you have to be observant.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'd suspect that your wife deep down doesn't feel valuable to you because she pursued you. 

So in her mind she wasn't important enough to pursue.

There are differing schools of thought on how good of an idea it is for women to pursue men, but I personally wouldn't do it for this reason. Many of us feel like a guy just isn't that into us if we have to do the pursuing.

My hb pursued me. 

What kind of efforts do you make to pursue her?

Have you sat her down when everyone is calm and told her you were stupid for not pursuing her and you're so happy she pursued you because you couldn't imagine life without her?


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## Stack (Mar 14, 2016)

Seppuku said:


> Hello!
> 
> I'm going to try to keep this short and sweet - I have a few problems in my marriage, but this thread isn't to talk about those. I have one question: how do I become a better husband (especially knowing that her love language is "gifts")?
> 
> ...


My wife chased me too. She always arranged that we bumped into each other every day on campus, sometimes multiple times. And, early in our marriage, she felt like I never loved her as much as she loved me. 

If I may, I've had three life-changing/altering "mile-markers" in my marriage (my side of the relationship). The last was about 4 years ago. It was Friday and after I put our last child on the bus, we spent the morning together on the couch binge watching a TV series. We were affectionate. We had sex. Watch more TV. More affection. Around noon, we got up and went about the rest of our day. Great. 

~30 minutes before our first child was supposed to walk in from school, she sat next to me. I was working on the laptop. I close it. Very hesitantly she said that she felt I was ignoring her. I asked what happened to this morning. Her response was, "I know. I need more." Those FIVE words and the resulting 10 minute conversation changed our marriage. 

Here is the concrete part (I hope)... I thought she meant a huge block of time. An hour. Two hours. That was not the case. She explained that yes, she needs those big blocks, but she also needs to be acknowledged throughout the day. A kiss when I walk by her. A touch. A hug. Look at her when she walks by on the way to the kitchen. It makes a huge difference for her. Huge. She feels more secure. 

Know, you cannot make her more secure as she will, most likely, always be insecure. The only thing you can do is not add to her insecurity. I hope this helped.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

stack said:


> my wife chased me too. She always arranged that we bumped into each other every day on campus, sometimes multiple times. And, early in our marriage, she felt like i never loved her as much as she loved me.
> 
> If i may, i've has 3 life-changing/altering "mile-markers" in my marriage (my side of the relationship). The last was about 4 years ago. It was friday and after i put our last child on the bus, we spent the morning together on the couch binge watching a tv series. We were affectionate. We had sex. Watch more tv. More affection. Around noon, we got up and went about the rest of our day. Great.
> 
> ...


yes!!! Qft!!!!


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## mitchell (May 19, 2014)

She must have a hobby or some interest you can use to help you decide. Even a small gift related to a hobby would be seen as thoughtful and considerate. I'm sure she would appreciate the effort.

An alternative would be something like a new mop or an ironing board.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Gifts that would mean the most to me would be those that reflect who I am, so that I would know he spends at least some time thinking about me, knowing me, learning me, putting himself in my shoes. So if she likes sewing, for example, you could peruse resale shops and pick up little sewing doodads at a bargain price. Or buy her a new cutting board if you notice hers is banged up. Or go to a sewing store and pick up fabrics from the bargain bin in colors or materials you notice that she likes. 

See how all those gifts are chosen with her in mind? It's the thoughtfulness she's probably looking for.

Unless she just wants bling so she can show off. In that case, you're screwed.


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## POV3486 (Jan 18, 2017)

I don't know either one of you but the only times I've ever felt unpursued or unsatisfied in my marriage and whether or not I was receiving unsolicited (not holidays) gifts, love, etc. was when I was the least happy with myself. I was totally placing my need for reassurance and self-esteem on my husband to build up when I really needed to build up myself. You say that you do things for her and give her gifts. You ask her what she likes and how you can satisfy her in the way she needs (her love language is gifts). Are these simply not enough for her? I feel that the people who constantly need this reaffirmation through physical gifts are the least secure in their relationships, either due to how their partners treat them (which it seems as though you are making efforts) or due to the lack of self acceptance they have for themselves ("I'm not good enough for him/her" etc) Does she struggle with feeling deserving of you? She may be placing that on your head, unintentionally, looking for you to constantly validate her. 

I've found that the happier I became with myself the less gifts (especially "things" - not affection as that is necessary for a healthy romantic relationship) mattered to me because I became much more secure in myself, which then translated into me becoming a better wife and partner to my husband, which then naturally translated into him becoming more loving and giving towards me.

I could be totally off...just my experience.:grin2:


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## Stack (Mar 14, 2016)

After reading that you give her your time and affection... my second thoughts: 

She's using the "I love you more..." as leverage to deflect blame, put the focus on you, and end the argument. It's a means to get what she wants. Her repeated use of it might indicate she likes the behavior it elicits... you pursue her. Regardless, it's likely steeped in her insecurity and not meant to be mean or vicious. 

Next time she tosses it out during an argument, address it, address your effort, and explain that you will have a conversation, but you won't be manipulated. Let her decide if she wants to talk about the issue outside the scope of an argument. 

Be cognizant that she may not be aware she's trying to manipulate... again, it sounds like she just wants to be with you and wants your attention. If you love her, as you say, it could take years of doting and your undivided attentions and affection before she feels secure enough not to compare who loves who more.That doesn't mean, and I'm not advocating at all, that you should be a doormat. A pushover. I'm not. 

Make sure you tell her what you need from her, limiting that list to what's most important to you; otherwise she might see as a set of obligations, as in a job description, to keep your love. I kept it to ONE... she want to want to have sex with me. Cook, fine. Do laundry, fine. Vacuum, fine. But not needed. Those are shared anyway. It's what adults do in life. Just have sex with me. Prior to that, we had a great sex life. Afterward, it got better (I am the lucky one. I'm shocked how little sex married couples have. I have been spoiled).


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