# Been married less than a year and already having problems :(



## TravisUSCG88 (Jul 22, 2013)

Hey everyone. Name's Travis. I found this site through a Google search while looking for some marriage advice. My wife and I have been married for 8 months and we are already having some problems. I'm in the Coast Guard, stationed in the Florida Keys, and this is the first time we have both lived outside of our home state of Arizona. She is having a hard time adjusting I think to the change in location. I joined the Coast Guard shortly after we got married due to a previous layoff with my old job back in Phoenix. 

Lately we have been fighting a lot, not just over money and the location change, but also because I have been pulling extremely long shifts with work. I can't help that. I warned her when I joined the military that this might happen. I have been encouraging her to maybe find a job if she is so bored at home, which she constantly says she is. On top of that she constantly talks about us having a baby. I just think we should maybe wait a few more months and see what happens. When I come home from work, I get so tired, that I just want to sleep. But she always wants to talk or fool around if you know what I mean. I just want to get out of my uniform and get in bed and get some rest, but it's not always that easy. I also have offered to buy her a ticket back home to Arizona for a few weeks if it makes her feel better, but she wants me to go with her, and I can't get leave just yet. I was trying to save all my leave for Christmas. 

All we do is fight a lot. We have tried the base chaplain and other counseling, but it's just not working out as I had planned. I don't want to lose my wife, I love her and I want our marriage to work. But I just don't know what else to do at this point. I feel like it's a never ending struggle that I'm losing here. Sorry if this is a long drawn out thing. Just figured it was worth a shot to try something different.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

How old are you both? I agree if you are fighting most if the time, it's a clear sign you are not ready for a baby, most likely 
she's bored, she needs to get a job, go to school, volunteer.

I can relate to the feeling of being home sick, that will get better. It's a big distance, she needs to understand you can't afford to visit that often. Instead if fighting try to sit down and talk tell her, you are not going to argue if she starts reinforce that you need to talk.
If she continues end the conversation, resume when you can talk. Sounds like immaturity which happens but you are now married and need to communicate like adults.


Also, I would suggest you remove our profile picture of you two, unless you are confortable with someone recognizing you. As you are posting the problems in your marriage.

This site gets lots of views.


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## TravisUSCG88 (Jul 22, 2013)

I'm 25 and she's 24. I have suggested repeatedly that she should get a job to keep herself occupied or maybe go back to school. She said she will consider it. I personally think she might be getting some depression or something.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

TravisUSCG88 said:


> I'm 25 and she's 24. I have suggested repeatedly that she should get a job to keep herself occupied or maybe go back to school. She said she will consider it. I personally think she might be getting some depression or something.


GrrrI typed a long response and it's gone.

I can relate to how she feels, it's hard being away from your family, but it's part of life. Gone are the days when you could just stay at home and raise the children. You either have to sacrifice some confort and luxuries or marry someone who makes more than the average person. She's your partner, she needs to contribute economically if you are struggling, plus it will help her cope better. When you are at home with nothing to do, problems just seem to amplify.

She can also sign up at the local community collage. They offer short and cheap courses in cooking, photography, art, music, software ect. Or if she doesn't have a degree it may be the best time to get one before the babies (take this from me who studied, and worked and had a baby)


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You might also benefit from reading this book, it can help you undertsand each other better, and lead to less fighting.

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts: Gary D Chapman: 9780802473158: Amazon.com: Books


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## TravisUSCG88 (Jul 22, 2013)

mablenc said:


> GrrrI typed a long response and it's gone.
> 
> I can relate to how she feels, it's hard being away from your family, but it's part of life. Gone are the days when you could just stay at home and raise the children. You either have to sacrifice some confort and luxuries or marry someone who makes more than the average person. She's your partner, she needs to contribute economically if you are struggling, plus it will help her cope better. When you are at home with nothing to do, problems just seem to amplify.
> 
> She can also sign up at the local community collage. They offer short and cheap courses in cooking, photography, art, music, software ect. Or if she doesn't have a degree it may be the best time to get one before the babies (take this from me who studied, and worked and had a baby)





mablenc said:


> You might also benefit from reading this book, it can help you undertsand each other better, and lead to less fighting.
> 
> The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts: Gary D Chapman: 9780802473158: Amazon.com: Books


Thanks. I'll give it a try. She has a Bachelor's already. I suggested she try a Master's or get a teaching certificate. Hopefully something improves with us soon.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

It sounds like there are a lot of things out of your control regarding your job and the time you two are able to spend together and it sounds like you are coming to the table to offer solutions and suggestions. Now it is up to HER to change her circumstances. Kind of reminds me of the time when I was 50 pounds overweight and all I did was complain about my weight as I was shoving a Big Mac in my hole. 

But if she was depressed, like I was, then she has no motivation to do anything except complain about why she is depressed. The first stop for her is getting to a doctor to discuss medication of some sort. And there is no shame in that. You two adjusting to married life - and the military - and a new place to live!! That is a lot for many to handle in a short period of time! Hopefully medication will help her and she can then explore opportunities out of the house. Perhaps she can make friends by joining a military wives support group on base? 

And please do NOT bring a child into this marriage yet. A child should not be born with a job and that job seems to be to keep her occupied and give her something to do. No -- bad idea! 

Now, for you, I do suggest arranging date nights once a week on your days off. You make the plans and just tell her to be ready. She will appreciate the fact that you are spending what little free time you have all on her. And it will give you both an opportunity to enjoy the beautiful sights of The Keys!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

What did she DO before you married her & moved to Arizona? Did she go to college? work? What are her accomplishments? hobbies?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

And I hate to say this but GIVE YOUR WIFE SOME GOOD LOVING TIME!! 

You need to establish priorities in life or they will be set for you.

What is more important to you 20 years from now.

Being alone but having a decorated Coast Guard career

Or Being married to your wife with the career unknown.

If you had to pick one...which would it be.

Think about what your wife is griping about...REALLY.

She here and feels alone...because she is. When she had you and your relationship, it was worth leaving her family and friends behind. But now she really doesn't have your relationship.

You NEED to find time for her. You need to recognize that her needs are important. Her getting a job is a good idea, but not if it's to REPLACE what she's missing with you. There are two issues there.

Make sure you plan your day to dedicate some time to your wife EVERYDAY!


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I agree with Dad&Hubby, your wife needs more of you. I know you are stretched thin, but this is life.

Your wife is young, she left her home, family and friends. You are all she has right now. Young women need family and friends - way more than guys do. She needs someone to talk to and spend time with, she was hoping that would be you, since you are the one she chose to spend her life and time with.

I left my home state when I was around 33, had 3 small children. Hubby was gone a lot. Even at 33 this was really hard for me. I did visit with friends and family over the phone, but it is not the same. Your wife is only 24 and she doesn't even have kids. I was able to meet some good friends eventually, but it took about a year to make those kind of friendships.

Having a baby may not make her less lonely, but if she is really feeling baby fever, getting a job won't fill that need. And, having small children brings you into another circle of friends. Right now all the girls her age that don't have kids are probably single, the ones she needs to make friends with should be the young married ones who are also starting their families - just food for thought.

Have you thought about going to a church or seeking out other places where their might be good people to meet?

Again, you really need to give your wife the attention she needs. I know you are tiered, but if she needs physical attention and time from you, that may be a huge part of easing her sadness.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

There is a reason that people say the military requires a ton of sacrifices from both the service member and the spouse. 

But you're pushing your wife away in her time of need, and that need came about because she supported you. You have a duty to her that is just as important as your duty to your commander. 

I would suggest a couple of things that can help you help her without letting yourself fall into a trap of rescuing her or shunning her: 

1. Make it a point to kiss her for a full 60 seconds when you get home. Every single time. 

2. Set aside a ten minute period every day to just focus on her. Let her know that it's a ritual you want to have in your lives because she is important to you. At first, you'll be using this time to hear her complaints, but in time you'll start hearing about her achievements and hopes, too, and have a chance to share your own. 

Eleven minutes a day... can you dedicate that to your relationship? 

Also, your wife's complaints about boredom are a little like this video: 

It's Not About The Nail - YouTube

Stop making suggestions. She *knows* she has choices, and when you're offering solutions, you're showing her that you don't trust her to figure things out for herself, in a way. I can't explain well, but I can tell you that you'd be better off asking, "So what are you going to do about that?" and letting her ramble on. She feel more appreciated, loved, and respected.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She wants a baby becuase she is bored and lonely.
If you were a child, would you want that to be the reason you were brought into this world? 
How about getting her a dog?

Now, marriages thrive on connection, fun, and togetherness. You must find a way to give your wife connection and togetherness, or she will become bored, sad, lonely and probably start cheating.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

TravisUSCG88 said:


> Hey everyone. Name's Travis. I found this site through a Google search while looking for some marriage advice. My wife and I have been married for 8 months and we are already having some problems. I'm in the Coast Guard, stationed in the Florida Keys, and this is the first time we have both lived outside of our home state of Arizona. She is having a hard time adjusting I think to the change in location. I joined the Coast Guard shortly after we got married due to a previous layoff with my old job back in Phoenix.
> 
> Lately we have been fighting a lot, not just over money and the location change, but also because I have been pulling extremely long shifts with work. I can't help that. I warned her when I joined the military that this might happen. I have been encouraging her to maybe find a job if she is so bored at home, which she constantly says she is. On top of that she constantly talks about us having a baby. I just think we should maybe wait a few more months and see what happens. When I come home from work, I get so tired, that I just want to sleep. But she always wants to talk or fool around if you know what I mean. I just want to get out of my uniform and get in bed and get some rest, but it's not always that easy. I also have offered to buy her a ticket back home to Arizona for a few weeks if it makes her feel better, but she wants me to go with her, and I can't get leave just yet. I was trying to save all my leave for Christmas.
> 
> All we do is fight a lot. We have tried the base chaplain and other counseling, but it's just not working out as I had planned. I don't want to lose my wife, I love her and I want our marriage to work. But I just don't know what else to do at this point. I feel like it's a never ending struggle that I'm losing here. Sorry if this is a long drawn out thing. Just figured it was worth a shot to try something different.


First of all thank you for your service. Miltary spouses are a special breed and you need all the postive support you can get. Some folks are not cut out for being a military wife and a child won't make it better, it will make it worse as she will then be tired and complain that you are no help. 

I recommend holding off on getting her pregnant and having a long, deep conversation about what exactly she wants and writing it down so you can visually process it. Have her be very specific with her expectations and be honest and open with her to see if its possible AND if you are willing to do it. Those two things need to add up. Possible + I am Willing = Yes 

Having constant conflict at home will end up showing up in your work and your CO will eventually recognize this in your work and body language. A man who has his wife's support feels like Superman, but a man which a contentious wife at home will feel like Pee-wee Herman.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Ok Travis I looked up your profile and I'm going to say something that might get me flamed.

1. Are you planing on advancing far in the CG?
2. Do you love being in the CG?
3. Is your wife's conflict placing enough stress that it can affect your job performance? Most service branches are "Up or out". you want to be promoted right?

If you answer yes to all three you might want to tell the wife to either get with the program or leave. You are still very young and you need the time to build experience and gain rank. You need to be focused on this and the wife needs to support you. Last time I checked you guys deal with some dangerous situations and the last thing you need is crap when you get home.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Unrequited love dies.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Wiserforit said:


> Unrequited love dies.


Career decisions made because of love often lead to poverty.

I had a friend of mine get a fantastic job offer in Texas paying him almost double his salary in his current job with great benefits. His wife balked when he mentioned relocating. They didn't have kids together so he said "Well honey, if you don't come with me, I can find another wife in Texas". She ended up leaving with him. :smthumbup:

While some here may balk at this, how many here would seriously consider dropping their spouse when a once in a lifetime opportunity came up? Money may not buy you happiness, but it can buy bacon wrapped BBQ shrimp! *I DARE YOU *to not be happy while eating it!


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Sanity said:


> Career decisions made because of love often lead to poverty.


One of us used an ancient maxim. The other invented his own.



> I Money may not buy you happiness, but it can buy bacon wrapped BBQ shrimp! *I DARE YOU *to not be happy while eating it!


This is an example of disagreeing with ancient wisdom through humor. But he isn't laughing while eating bacon BBQ shrimp, is he. He is here because of a troubled marriage.


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## TravisUSCG88 (Jul 22, 2013)

Sanity said:


> Ok Travis I looked up your profile and I'm going to say something that might get me flamed.
> 
> 1. Are you planing on advancing far in the CG?
> 2. Do you love being in the CG?
> ...


Yeah the answer is yes to all three. I want to make the Coast Guard a career and maybe hopefully get accepted to Officer Candidate School and be an Officer. I love my wife but I don't know if we can keep things up like this. I am gonna try and talk more with her about all this. I am worried about her too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TravisUSCG88 (Jul 22, 2013)

I spoke with the wife about whether or not she should maybe consider going back to school and that I don't think the time is right to have a baby yet. She was enthusiastic about going back to school. She has been wanting to do it for awhile apparently but never told me. As for the baby thing, she wasn't too thrilled about it. She didn't want to speak about that and tried changing the subject. I told her we need to discuss it, but she just blew me off. I am trying to figure out how to approach this issue again.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Sanity said:


> Career decisions made because of love often lead to poverty.
> 
> I had a friend of mine get a fantastic job offer in Texas paying him almost double his salary in his current job with great benefits. His wife balked when he mentioned relocating. They didn't have kids together so he said "Well honey, if you don't come with me, I can find another wife in Texas". She ended up leaving with him. :smthumbup:
> 
> While some here may balk at this, *how many here would seriously consider dropping their spouse when a once in a lifetime opportunity came up?* Money may not buy you happiness, but it can buy bacon wrapped BBQ shrimp! *I DARE YOU *to not be happy while eating it!



41 year old man here who lost one marriage partially due to chasing the white rabbit. 

My wife and family IS a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Sorry but you can take all the money in the world. STUFF isn't what families remember. It's memories. When your Dad passes away. You don't think about the car he bought you on your 16th birthday. You think about him teaching you to drive. You don't think about the new ping golf clubs he bought you. You think about spending Saturday mornings out on the course with him. 

You need money...WITHOUT a doubt. A man needs to provide for his family...WITHOUT a doubt. But he also has to provide time and leadership. He also has to provide memories and love.

You NEED balance in your life. Without balance...you're Tiger Woods. Yeah, as awesome as his bank account is...I wouldn't want to be him.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

TravisUSCG88 said:


> I spoke with the wife about whether or not she should maybe consider going back to school and that I don't think the time is right to have a baby yet. She was enthusiastic about going back to school. She has been wanting to do it for awhile apparently but never told me. As for the baby thing, she wasn't too thrilled about it. She didn't want to speak about that and tried changing the subject. I told her we need to discuss it, but she just blew me off. I am trying to figure out how to approach this issue again.


Travis. I applaud your commitment to the Coast Guard. I was >< close in my youth to going to the Coast Guard academy, but opted for a different school. 

One thing you need to look at within yourself is finding the strength to dedicate to the USCG, while ALSO dedicating what's needed to your wife. It IS possible. Focus on the quality of time when you're home. Turn off the TV if your wife isn't snuggled up on you, play cards with her instead. That kind of thing. (PS I highly recommend sex cribbage...:smthumbup: who ever gets 10 points in a hand gets something done to them) I'd take the issue of the child lightly. Don't bombard your wife. Get her into school and then address it. You may find she gets focused on school and the kid issue gets put on the back burner.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Travis. I applaud your commitment to the Coast Guard. I was >< close in my youth to going to the Coast Guard academy, but opted for a different school.
> 
> One thing you need to look at within yourself is finding the strength to dedicate to the USCG, while ALSO dedicating what's needed to your wife. It IS possible. Focus on the quality of time when you're home. Turn off the TV if your wife isn't snuggled up on you, play cards with her instead. That kind of thing. (PS I highly recommend sex cribbage...:smthumbup: who ever gets 10 points in a hand gets something done to them) I'd take the issue of the child lightly. Don't bombard your wife. Get her into school and then address it. You may find she gets focused on school and the kid issue gets put on the back burner.



I don't think anybody here is recommending anything different but the constant fighting needs to stop. This is why if he was 35 I would have given him different advice especially if he was further along in his career. This is a critical time and Officer candidate school does take its toll and he needs a clear, focused head on his shoulders. If he doesn't perform well his CO will see this and the promotion board won't promote him which could end his career. Most military services have an "up or out" policy for officers. Yes its that black and white. 

Again, i'm not telling him to get a divorce but at such a young age and only one year marriage, he needs to really decide what he wants and he needs a wife that can help support him. If it were her in the CG I would tell her that her husband needs to support her during this process or move on. 

Like I said earlier, military spouses make huge sacrifices but their husbands/wives are successful because they have this great support system. The OP needs her to be there for him and be his biggest fan. She knew going in that this was the deal and she still causes trouble. My ultimate point is that if she can't cope in this marriage in its current form then she should consider somebody else.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Travis,

Please don't think i'm telling to divorce your wife. I'm am just telling you to make decisions not based purely on emotions. I decided not to go into the military when I was 19 because of a girl. We broke up a years later and I regret that decision to this day because I really wanted to serve. I geniunely believe I missed out on alot of opportunities because of this but I guess thats the past.


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## TravisUSCG88 (Jul 22, 2013)

Things have been a little better. She is flying home to Arizona in the morning to stay with her mom and dad for a couple days. They agreed that that might be what she needs. I couldn't go because of work. I'm waiting til later on in the year to go home with her. I just hope her mom and dad don't try and persuade her to do anything drastic. Her dad hasn't always been too fond of me to be honest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Its alarming that she didnt want to discuss the baby thing. There are many reasons to want to have a child, but if she wants one because she is lonely, that is not a good reason. Hopefully after seeing her parents, she might come back enthusiastic about going back to school. She needs some new friends, preferably married ones. 

Oh, and I know your busy, but take others advice and make sure you do little things to show her you care. Smile when you come home even when your face hurts because your so tired. Kiss her unexpectedly and tell her you miss her so much. The more you can do these little lovey dovey things, she will start to feel much less resentful of your career. Oh, and flowers never hurt.


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