# We're both miserable



## bpdcfan (Jan 27, 2016)

My wife and I were married at 21, both very religious, and looking back - immature. We've been married for almost 12 yrs now, with 3 great kids, and we've been through some stuff, like everyone. We lost a child one month after she was born, and our youngest children are twins - 2 things I've read can strain or break a relationship. 8 years ago, I was doing youth ministry and was fired unfairly and began to drift away from the church while she stayed devoted to it. We lost our 2nd child shortly after that but I continued to go to church, even though I REALLY didn't want to because she would throw a fit if I didn't. I unwisely did not stand up for myself, being a very passive person and not having been in a significant relationship before marriage. It built resentment up in me. I remember trying to explain to her that I just needed a break for a few months to re-evaluate, to which she said church was exactly the thing to help me work thru my pain. We had our twins 2-3 yrs after and life leveled out some, those babies not only kept us busy and distracted from our personal issues but also healed our hurt from having lost our daughter. Fast forward to 2013, and I was still in the same job post-church work and feeling stuck. I felt alone and unrespected. I would come home from work and she would say 'ok, your turn' and go to our room, leaving me w/ the kids. I would make suggestions about making housework easier, and I definitely did and do my sure of cooking and cleaning but she took it personally and my intent didn't come through (which I understand could make sense). I lost my job that spring and was making ends meet by driving cab and feeling pretty worthless. She came up w/ the idea for us to go to Guatemala (she grew up there) for the summer. I could learn Spanish, she could see her family and friends, etc. Well, I met someone at the spanish school. Throughout all the time of feeling unrespected and frustrated, I never once tried to initiate an affair, so this caught me off guard and I went with it. This woman and I clicked instantly, and she had a way of making me feel accepted for who I was while at the same time wanting to be better, if that make sense. My wife, while a friendly and outgoing person, has always been more of a told-you-so, always-right type and usually backs it up with a religious cliche to cement it (If you're religious, please don't be insulted - this isn't designed to paint everyone w/ the same brush, ok?) So anyway, I spent a lot of time w/ this Guatemalan woman that summer and continued to communicate w/ her after I returned to the States. Eventually, my wife found out and we confronted our issues. I decided to leave for a while - I needed to find stable work and we needed some time apart. After a year, we reconciled and she moved with the kids to where I was. During that time apart, I went to counseling for personal issues and marriage issues (I contemplated divorce). I was very upfront about what she (my wife) could expect from me - I don't go to church regularly and I drink alcohol (moderately), 2 very big differences pre and post- separation. She said she would be okay w/ that as long as it didn't affect my ability to work and be a good father, and it hasn't. It's been a year together, we've gone to counseling and recently I found out from her that she thought I would change BACK to the religious version of myself when I got married, and she's disappointed. Now I feel like we reconciled under false pretences, that she wasn't honest with me and our relationship is almost worse than ever. I think she has more to recover from than I, since I cheated on her but she told me that she could respect our lifestyle differences and it turns out she was just tolerating them till I re-converted. I'm really lost here, and have this gut feeling that our relationship is doomed sooner or later. I want the best for our kids, and wonder if our staying together for them but being miserable offsets whatever baggage a divorce might create. 

I'm mostly looking for anyone's input that has been through this situation before, whether you divorced or toughed it out. Some days I'd like to have someone tap me on the shoulder and say 'do this' but mostly I just want to know as much as I can before I say yes or no. 

Thanks!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm probably the wrong person to advise you. But I don't hold much faith in people marrying at 21 (I did, and it was a mistake) and I've had more bad experiences relying on church and religion than good ones. So my first instinct is to tell you to separate again and see if SHE can leave HER dependence on her upbringing and join you on a path more...middle of the line. I really doubt she can. And I hate that I'm suggesting you break up the family again. But unless you put in extraordinary measures - BOTH of you - to make the marriage fulfilling for both of you, and that means knowing each other's Emotional Needs and meeting them, and not harming each other, then it will only get worse, never better. And it doesn't sound like she's willing to deviate from her religious upbringing to consider that ANY other path is acceptable. 

Bottom line, you shouldn't stay together unless she's willing to go to at least monthly therapy with you.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You cheated on her and she took you back. You seemed to gloss over that and just bring up her faults. If your marriage fails it will be because you cheated and you don't seem remorseful. You need therapy to figure out why you cheated. She needs to accept that you don't want to go to church and you want to drink. Stay and work on your marriage as its best for you to be a full time Father not a weekend Dad.


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## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

Just a small comment from me, as I'm not up for responding to the whole situation:

I think the things that are important to people generally stay important to them. That doesn't mean it's okay that your wife said it's okay if you drink and don't go to church (it isn't, since she was lying either to you or herself by saying that), but it does mean you had unrealistic expectations of her as well. And if you "give her another chance," you're making that same unrealistic expectation again.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

You will be miserable with her for the rest of your life. You WILL leave her some day. It will eat at you (trust me, I know). You will get to an age where you start piling on the regrets, and dying "alone" starts looming closer. By then, it's harder to start over.

Lucky for you, I have experience on the other side as well. My parents divorced when me and my two brothers were all probably your kids age. We were all fine with it growing up and are all well adjusted adults.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

bpdcfan said:


> My wife and I were married at 21, both very religious, and looking back - immature. We've been married for almost 12 yrs now, with 3 great kids, and we've been through some stuff, like everyone. We lost a child one month after she was born, and our youngest children are twins - 2 things I've read can strain or break a relationship. 8 years ago, I was doing youth ministry and was fired unfairly and began to drift away from the church while she stayed devoted to it. We lost our 2nd child shortly after that but I continued to go to church, even though I REALLY didn't want to because she would throw a fit if I didn't. I unwisely did not stand up for myself, being a very passive person and not having been in a significant relationship before marriage. It built resentment up in me. I remember trying to explain to her that I just needed a break for a few months to re-evaluate, to which she said church was exactly the thing to help me work thru my pain. We had our twins 2-3 yrs after and life leveled out some, those babies not only kept us busy and distracted from our personal issues but also healed our hurt from having lost our daughter. Fast forward to 2013, and I was still in the same job post-church work and feeling stuck. I felt alone and unrespected. I would come home from work and she would say 'ok, your turn' and go to our room, leaving me w/ the kids. I would make suggestions about making housework easier, and I definitely did and do my sure of cooking and cleaning but she took it personally and my intent didn't come through (which I understand could make sense). I lost my job that spring and was making ends meet by driving cab and feeling pretty worthless. She came up w/ the idea for us to go to Guatemala (she grew up there) for the summer. I could learn Spanish, she could see her family and friends, etc. Well, I met someone at the spanish school. Throughout all the time of feeling unrespected and frustrated, I never once tried to initiate an affair, so this caught me off guard and I went with it. This woman and I clicked instantly, and she had a way of making me feel accepted for who I was while at the same time wanting to be better, if that make sense. My wife, while a friendly and outgoing person, has always been more of a told-you-so, always-right type and usually backs it up with a religious cliche to cement it (If you're religious, please don't be insulted - this isn't designed to paint everyone w/ the same brush, ok?) So anyway, I spent a lot of time w/ this Guatemalan woman that summer and continued to communicate w/ her after I returned to the States. Eventually, my wife found out and we confronted our issues. I decided to leave for a while - I needed to find stable work and we needed some time apart. After a year, we reconciled and she moved with the kids to where I was. During that time apart, I went to counseling for personal issues and marriage issues (I contemplated divorce). I was very upfront about what she (my wife) could expect from me - I don't go to church regularly and I drink alcohol (moderately), 2 very big differences pre and post- separation. She said she would be okay w/ that as long as it didn't affect my ability to work and be a good father, and it hasn't. It's been a year together, we've gone to counseling and recently I found out from her that she thought I would change BACK to the religious version of myself when I got married, and she's disappointed. Now I feel like we reconciled under false pretences, that she wasn't honest with me and our relationship is almost worse than ever. I think she has more to recover from than I, since I cheated on her but she told me that she could respect our lifestyle differences and it turns out she was just tolerating them till I re-converted. I'm really lost here, and have this gut feeling that our relationship is doomed sooner or later. I want the best for our kids, and wonder if our staying together for them but being miserable offsets whatever baggage a divorce might create.
> 
> I'm mostly looking for anyone's input that has been through this situation before, whether you divorced or toughed it out. Some days I'd like to have someone tap me on the shoulder and say 'do this' but mostly I just want to know as much as I can before I say yes or no.
> 
> Thanks!



You sound very immature to me. I got married relatively young but I was better able to handle life's adversity than you appear to be. You lost a job and decided to stop going to church? That seems extreme or is it just punishment for your wife for not being respectful enough to you?

Look, as a recovering person, I can tell you that drinking regularly, or moderately as you say, is likely to turn into more and that won't help you one damned bit, whether you stay married or divorce.

I see you going down a very wrong path. You pulled the old bait and switch on your wife, then cheated on her without remorse, and now you're unhappy. Guess what, it's because you're not doing right by her or yourself. That's why you're miserable.

Do what is right and do what you're supposed to do and you'll be much happier within. I wish you well.


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