# I feel my marriage is hopeless



## Beatrix (Jan 26, 2010)

Where to start.... first off let me say posting in a forum is not my ideal way to work this out, but I have no one else to talk to. Who knows, opening up to people who don't know me can give me the most objective responses. I grew up in a home with a handicapped sister, father who worked most of the time and a mother who griped about everything. My father took the brunt of it. Growing up, all I wanted was for her to shut up and pretend to be happy even if she wasn't. 

I've known my husband for 10 years. From the moment I met him I knew he was the man I was going to marry. We moved quick in the relationship early on. We moved in together within a few months and within a year we moved across the country for his job. We were in our early 20's without a care in the world. Our life was work, going out with friends and traveling on the weekends. It was about a year into our relationship that I noticed his drinking may be an issue. We went through a stressful time when his company closed down and we ended up relocating across the country again. We always had a wonderful sex life. Not too long after our 2nd move he started becoming less affectionate. We got married and were loving the newlywed life. About a year after we were married, my husband started to become close to one of his co-workers. It was an emotional affair that took a toll on our marriage. I started seeing a therapist who didn't help much, and he started seeing one that brought up memories of his sexual abuse as a child. He stopped sleeping, so he was put in sleeping pills and an anti-depressant. The co-worker situation improved. She was transferred to another building and then was out on workers comp for over a year. Not too long after she came back to work the company he worked for was bought out and everyone lost their jobs. Not too long after my husband started on the sleeping pills and anti-depressants, our sex life took a nose dive. He stopped having an interest and I was the only one initiating sex. He got off all the pills after 3 years. In the past 4 years we have only had sex twice. We have been in marriage counsling for a year and I am the only one that made progress. Every issue he brought up, I made an effort to correct. My issues with him, the sex and imtimacy, drinking, moodiness....he gave bull answers and would turn it around on me. Our therapist says she has made all the progress she can with him. She feels his lack of emotion and inability to relate to my emotions could be a sign of autism. I don't think so, it doesn't fit. He has an appointment with a highly regarded psychiatrist in out area this week to see if we can find any answers. The past month I have been living in hell. He is withdrawn and has been moody for weeks. All I can think about is leaving. 

I can't talk to my husband, my mother is no help. As soon as I talk to her, my entire family will know my problems. I have "burden" issues, I hold everything in thinking I shouldn't burden anyone else with my problems, so it makes it really hard for me to open up to people, even my husband. I cry every time I talk about something emotional, so that automatically shuts my husband down. Do I want to save my marriage? I don't know. I am so depressed about the whole situation I can't see any hope. I am afraid of him being diagnosed with autism...then the man I love will be lost forever. How could I live with myself if I left him because he was autistic? I can't sacrifice my own happiness any longer. I know I have to wait it out a little longer, but I wish he would just open up to me. Anyways, thats the cliff notes version of my story.

B


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Start going on walks together. You can talk, or not talk. But you're not facing each other, so the talking is less confrontational (to men) when you don't look each other in the face. 

Plus, exercise is the #1 cure for depression.


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## nc-b0311 (Jan 11, 2010)

Okay I want to ask a few questions. Not to pry, but to let me see more into the situtation if you feel comfortable enough talking about it.

When you initiate sex what is his excuse for not wanting to have sex?

Is he still on depression medication? (If so that could be the reason)

How is the household situation, is money stable, do you have kids? Is there any reason for stress?

Is he over weight?

Also I read that he drinks, that can also play a huge part in a mans libido?


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## Beatrix (Jan 26, 2010)

nc-b0311 said:


> Okay I want to ask a few questions. Not to pry, but to let me see more into the situtation if you feel comfortable enough talking about it.
> 
> When you initiate sex what is his excuse for not wanting to have sex?
> 
> ...


When I try to initiate sex, I get no physical response from him. He does get an erection, but has no desire what-so-ever for sex. He will make little excuses like "i'm tired", "lets eat first", or he gives me a look that tells me to back off. 

No, he is not on any anti-depressants at the moment. He is seeing a phychiatrist on Friday for the first of 2 in-depth evaluations. I am keeping my fingers crossed!

Yes, he is overweight, about 60 lbs. I try to get him to go to the gym with me, but he won't. I ask to go on walks all the time, the answer is always no. 

Yes, he drinks. He actually has gone the past 2 weeks without a drink. He started drinking last friday night and unfortunatly has not said anything about quitting again. He says the drinking helps him sleep (which it doesn't) and makes his tinnitus tolerable. It was not until 3 weeks ago I even heard anything about him having tinnitus. He goes to an ENT next week. The sleeping and tinnitus are just 2 of the many excuses of why he says he needs a drink (or 10).


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

turnera said:


> ...exercise is the #1 cure for depression.


ummm...no...ummm...cure?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, assuming we're not talking about clinical depression, which requires meds, exercise is the most often suggested course of action. It provides a lot of needed changes in the body.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Exercise stimulates endorphin production which is what gives you that happy feeling or "runner's high"...you have to get past the aerobic stage for this to happen, though.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's also the psychological aspect of getting up off your butt and accomplishing something you know is good for you.


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