# Caught wife sexting multiple times. Trust issue



## Jojobright (Dec 15, 2021)

I’m new to this site so please be kind. I’ve been married to my beautiful wife for 10 years and together 15 years. We have 2 amazing young children and a wonderful life together. She’s my soul mate and we are able to talk deeply about practically everything.
since we got married the intimacy generally dried up and sex became infrequent for years. It was always great when we did (it wasn’t perfunctory, we always both climax together, we know we enjoy it), and he often stated in those years that she acknowledged that it wasn’t as often as we’d like but she loved me and wanted me sexually. That was enough for me at the time, but over a long period I became frustrated that I felt I’d married a women who didn’t have the same sexual drive as me and felt hard done by - especially having mutual female friends who would openly discuss their sex drives with me. I felt like I was just unlucky that my wife didn’t have that sexual urge. Ultimately after our first child was born I met a young beautiful woman 12 years younger than me and we started a very short relationship which was never physical but left me utterly destroyed for over 3 years.

I found out eventually that my wife had known about this via my emails etc for as long as 8 months and never confronted me. She forgave me for the emotional betrayal which was such an incredible feeling of acceptance that I immediately felt emancipation from the obsessive heart break I had carried for so long and knew that my wife was right for me. Soon after she told me she too had had fantasies about wanting sex with other people and that it was natural. That too gave me enormous relief that she was sexual and normal. I loved her sharing that with me. Months later I found a private bag full of sex toys and she was horrified I had found them but admitted they were hers. Again I felt enormous relief that she did have sexual drives and that I could tap into them.
Months later I discovered sexting on her phone with a guy that had gone on for around 6 years, prior to my “dalliance”, prior to our having children or even our marriage. Mostly **** pics but also extremely graphic photos of her and lots of extremely suggestive sexual chat.
She told me it was pure fantasy; just something she’s always got off on in a way that guys watch porn. So I forgave her. But I continued to find lots and lots of similar discussions with other men even after I found out. She continued to say it was pure fantasy and personal and she would never act on it. 
I did find a dialogue with the original guy which predated anything I had done, where she invited him to our apartment for sex, he bottled it and didn’t come, and then she suggested a hotel which didn’t seem to happen. When confronted she again asserted she would never have done it, it was pure fantasy. She met him personally on Ashley Maddison (again prior to anything I had done; prior to kids, when we weren’t being physical). She has told me she doesn’t believe in monogamy and frankly nor do I; she’s ok if I were to do the same (even though as a married guy with 2 kids I’m a pariah to women….!). Now she’s changed her phone passwords so I can’t see anything and I feel I can’t trust anything at all and it’s destroying me. Help me please


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

You are the safety net and financial security and he is the "fun". She's been checked out for a long time. You can bet your not the one she's thinking of while using her bag of toys.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You can’t be helped. You are willing to accept anything she does. You say you don’t believe in monogamy. You find your wife sexting other men and asking to meet them at hotels and you think she’s not having sex with them in spite of the fact she’s not having sex with YOU? You’re in denial.

Cheaters lie. Your wife is lying. Why get married if you don’t believe in monogamy?


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> You can’t be helped. You are willing to accept anything she does. You say you don’t believe in monogamy. You find your wife sexting other men and asking to meet them at hotels and you think she’s not having sex with them in spite of the fact she’s not having sex with YOU? You’re in denial.
> 
> Cheaters lie. Your wife is lying. Why get married if you don’t believe in monogamy?


Facts.

Maybe you should open the marriage, OP. Seems the best option short of divorce, which you're never going to do.


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## Jojobright (Dec 15, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> You can’t be helped. You are willing to accept anything she does. You say you don’t believe in monogamy. You find your wife sexting other men and asking to meet them at hotels and you think she’s not having sex with them in spite of the fact she’s not having sex with YOU? You’re in denial.
> 
> Cheaters lie. Your wife is lying. Why get married if you don’t believe in monogamy?


We hadn’t had the monogamy discussion or thoughts until years after our marriage. We agree philosophically that monogamy is a flawed social construct but in practice we’ve never agreed to have a non monogamous relationship. She’s said that she would accept it if she found out or I told her I’d had purely sexual physical encounters with other people so long as I wasn’t emotionally attached. Since all these recent revelations our sex life improved enormously for a short period with us sharing her sex toys together and pushing our usual boundaries which gave me a lot of confidence. That’s dropped off a bit now and I’m left feeling a lack of trust for her


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## Jojobright (Dec 15, 2021)

OddOne said:


> Facts.
> 
> Maybe you should open the marriage, OP. Seems the best option short of divorce, which you're never going to do.


We’ve discussed this option. We’ve discussed having threesomes together or group sex but have no idea how to initiate it. Open relationship where we both see other people is off the cards in my opinion because I strongly feel I would struggle to attract anyone as a man whereas she would find it incredibly easy and I’d feel enormous jealousy not knowing or being a part of it.


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## Jojobright (Dec 15, 2021)

Tested_by_stress said:


> You are the safety net and financial security and he is the "fun". She's been checked out for a long time. You can bet your not the one she's thinking of while using her bag of toys.


Thanks, and that’s fine. I watch pornography very frequently and (until recently bizarrely) never would think of her in those situations and don’t feel any guilt about that fact.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Do you know what the ultimate open relationship is? Being single. I think it's best you make this happen for both your sakes.


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## Jojobright (Dec 15, 2021)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Do you know what the ultimate open relationship is? Being single. I think it's best you make this happen for both your sakes.


Yeah and that’s the obvious and lazy answer. However we both have love and respect for each other and want to be together. We have a great life and 2 young children. It feels like breaking that up would be a last resort. I don’t even really blame her or resent her actions it’s just that I want to be a part of it too. If I had sex outside the relationship it would be purely for variety and nothing to do with my attraction to her and she knows that completely. If she had sex outside the relationship id be broken because it’s not with me first - if she wanted me 6 times a day and then spilled out over the sides that would be more acceptable to me.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Jojobright said:


> Yeah and that’s the obvious and lazy answer. However we both have love and respect for each other and want to be together. We have a great life and 2 young children. It feels like breaking that up would be a last resort. I don’t even really blame her or resent her actions it’s just that I want to be a part of it too. If I had sex outside the relationship it would be purely for variety and nothing to do with my attraction to her and she knows that completely. If she had sex outside the relationship id be broken because it’s not with me first - if she wanted me 6 times a day and then spilled out over the sides that would be more acceptable to me.


Yeah, I've literally not seen a single open relationship make it passed the 5 year mark and not a single closed relationship that opens later make it another 2 years. I've been around for over half a century and take it from me, an open relationship is nature's way of telling you that it's time for a divorce.

Monogamy is much more the natural state for ****-Sapien-Sapien than polyamory, no matter what Vogue Magazine prints in their rag.


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## Jojobright (Dec 15, 2021)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Yeah, I've literally not seen a single open relationship make it passed the 5 year mark and not a single closed relationship that opens later make it another 2 years. I've been around for over half a century and take it from me, an open relationship is nature's way of telling you that it's time for a divorce.


Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it. How do you suggest I try to fix my trust issue or decide to cut it loose/choose to just ignore it and live with it?


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

No worries, I'm glad if my life experience can be of any help. Firstly, I highly suspect you are in a one sided relationship already since the indicators are that she has been getting her needs met outside of your marriage. I think if you do some digging, you'd find it to be true.

This means she has long lost respect for you since she is having sex with other men or men behind your back. I for one would not try to save such a marriage. I'd start by confirming her cheating, splitting finances, seeing a divorce lawyer, getting tested for STDs and having her served. Life is complicated enough, one does not need a relationship with your wife that you feel best being described as "it's complicated" on Facebook.

There is much to be said for inner peace if you get rid of the things that complicates your life.


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

Nothing says respect like changing a phone password after having had sexting/emotional affairs while not providing the new password to your betrayed spouse.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Jojobright said:


> Yeah and that’s the obvious and lazy answer. However we both have love and respect for each other and want to be together. We have a great life and 2 young children. It feels like breaking that up would be a last resort. I don’t even really blame her or resent her actions it’s just that I want to be a part of it too. If I had sex outside the relationship it would be purely for variety and nothing to do with my attraction to her and she knows that completely. If she had sex outside the relationship id be broken because it’s not with me first - if she wanted me 6 times a day and then spilled out over the sides that would be more acceptable to me.


Why do you feel she loves and respects you when she’s sexting other men and ignoring you? 
Also, do you really think she hasn’t been getting sex outside the marriage? She got the green light a long time ago when you had the “only emotional” relationship with another woman. 

why do you need “variety”??? I’m just asking. I never needed it, myself. In truth, I’m single now and get all the variety I want. I’d give my left arm for a loyal wife that I loved.

I Think your wife is headed down a different road than you, and even though you love her, I don’t think she’s as much in love with you snd is looking for your replacement. I’m sorry.
That’s how it reads to me. It’s obvious that how you feel and what you want in the relationship, is diametrically opposed to what she wants. And what she tells you and what she is doing are totally different.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

You are honestly beyond any hope of help. You barely have sex with your wife but you are talking threesomes. You believe monogamy is flawed, yet you can't even manage to get your wife turned on enough to have sex with you, so that talk is all theoretical. She is getting off with toys and guys online and most likely effing them in real life too. She has an Ashley Madison account. Come on man. She just isn't sexually attracted to you and has no respect for you at all. She is using you for a paycheck and father to her kids.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

FYI, even if you guys agreed to an open marriage it is still cheating if she hides partners from you and locks her phone so she can hide her activities and conversations. Open means more than just having sex with anyone you want. Again, don't be fooled, she has less than 0 respect for you. Of course she is okay with the arrangement. She knows she can get a hook up anytime she wants, but you on the other hand...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You both sounds completely unsuited to marriage. You both lie, cheat and act like single people. 
You ask how you can trust her, you can't.


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## Jojobright (Dec 15, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> You both sounds completely unsuited to marriage. You both lie, cheat and act like single people.
> You ask how you can trust her, you can't.


I appreciate your comments but I disagree. I feel that we both love each other and want to be together but I somehow need to find a way for her to trust me with her other impulses and indulgences


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Wanting to make a poly relationship work... I'm out, good luck.


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## Jojobright (Dec 15, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Why do you feel she loves and respects you when she’s sexting other men and ignoring you?
> Also, do you really think she hasn’t been getting sex outside the marriage? She got the green light a long time ago when you had the “only emotional” relationship with another woman.
> 
> why do you need “variety”??? I’m just asking. I never needed it, myself. In truth, I’m single now and get all the variety I want. I’d give my left arm for a loyal wife that I loved.
> ...


Thanks for the candid response. I feel that despite loving my wife and being very sexually attracted to her there is no denying that there is always going to be sense of excitement and draw towards the idea (even as a fantasy) about having sex with someone else. That searing heightened feeling you get from a first sexual encounter is something that you only have as a young person and the inclination to search for it is natural and huge. Even if I had incredible sex 10 times a day with my wife that urge would still be there - otherwise why don’t people just eat they’re favourite meal every day instead of sometimes wanting a dirty greasy burger.


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## Jojobright (Dec 15, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You are honestly beyond any hope of help. You barely have sex with your wife but you are talking threesomes. You believe monogamy is flawed, yet you can't even manage to get your wife turned on enough to have sex with you, so that talk is all theoretical. She is getting off with toys and guys online and most likely effing them in real life too. She has an Ashley Madison account. Come on man. She just isn't sexually attracted to you and has no respect for you at all. She is using you for a paycheck and father to her kids.


We do have sex and since these revelations it has become way better in that we’re more experimental and it’s dirtier and I feel that finding out her secrets has uninhibited her. The trouble is that it’s still infrequent and because I can’t access her phone I worry she’s hiding stuff from me. Honestly if we were having sex more regularly and she actually had sex with other people too it wouldn’t bother me so much so long as she didn’t hide it from me, and (selfishly) was able to do the same too. I genuinely wouldn’t even mind if we had a threesome with another man so long as I was completely involved too not a side show


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## Jojobright (Dec 15, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> FYI, even if you guys agreed to an open marriage it is still cheating if she hides partners from you and locks her phone so she can hide her activities and conversations. Open means more than just having sex with anyone you want. Again, don't be fooled, she has less than 0 respect for you. Of course she is okay with the arrangement. She knows she can get a hook up anytime she wants, but you on the other hand...


You might be right there and that’s what’s hurting. Even though she has said she doesn’t mind if I had sex with other people (which by the way is hugely liberating; the knowledge that I can do something) I genuinely feel I wouldn’t want to be in the relationship if I didn’t want her first and more. With her I think I believe she feels the same but the belief that I could never get find someone else because women tend to run a mile from married men with kids even if it’s totally allowed and open and honest, whereas a married women with 2 kids who wants no strings sex is literally the most attractive thing to most men; means that I (selfishly and childishly) feel it’s unbalanced and makes me feel jealous.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I can only imagine the relief she felt when you confessed about your texting pal, I mean EA partner. She probably felt she had carte Blanche . This woman practically cut you off but was looking for strange men to bed. A woman that’s willing to hook up strange men that she’s meeting on an adultery site is really way out there. You know of 2 guys but you have no idea how many men really had her over these 6 years. 

There’s nothing to salvage. Why would you want to be with such a woman? There’s a woman out there who would want to be with a loyal , hard working man but you’ll never find her as long as your married to a woman who is so repulsed at the idea of having sex with you that she can only force herself to do once in a while. Instead she rather be a free prostitute for strange men. Dna your kids, file for divorce, and fight to get shared custody.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Jojobright said:


> We do have sex and since these revelations it has become way better in that we’re more experimental and it’s dirtier and I feel that finding out her secrets has uninhibited her. The trouble is that it’s still infrequent and because I can’t access her phone I worry she’s hiding stuff from me. Honestly if we were having sex more regularly and she actually had sex with other people too it wouldn’t bother me so much so long as she didn’t hide it from me, and (selfishly) was able to do the same too. I genuinely wouldn’t even mind if we had a threesome with another man so long as I was completely involved too not a side show


Well, if you want to test the strength of your marriage than bring in a third person. However, remember that all of you actions have an impact on your children. 

She is betraying you in so many ways. She is hiding online relationships, she made plans to meet up and lied saying it was just fantasy. Rest assured it wasn't fantasy, she would have been in that hotel in a heartbeat. She is using toys to get off either by herself or with guys online. Now she is lying and hiding things from you by locking her phone. How many ways do you need your trust broken before you can't accept it anymore. 



Jojobright said:


> You might be right there and that’s what’s hurting. Even though she has said she doesn’t mind if I had sex with other people (which by the way is hugely liberating; the knowledge that I can do something) I genuinely feel I wouldn’t want to be in the relationship if I didn’t want her first and more. With her I think I believe she feels the same but the belief that I could never get find someone else because women tend to run a mile from married men with kids even if it’s totally allowed and open and honest, whereas a married women with 2 kids who wants no strings sex is literally the most attractive thing to most men; means that I (selfishly and childishly) feel it’s unbalanced and makes me feel jealous.


No matter how you slice it she is not giving you the sex and intimacy you desire, but she has enough in her tank to get herself off. She is also directing sexual energy at strangers online rather than you. On top of all that she is lying to you and hiding things. Even in a non-monogamous relationship those are lines that shouldn't be crossed. So she is dishonest, lies, hides things from you, puts more energy into men other than you and you feel you can't trust her. What is the foundation of your marriage if all these things are broken?

Look, if you and your wife want an open marriage, fine, but that isn't what you've got here. You have a wife that doesn't have a shred of respect for you.


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## Jojobright (Dec 15, 2021)

jsmart said:


> I can only imagine the relief she felt when you confessed about your texting pal, I mean EA partner. She probably felt she had carte Blanche . This woman practically cut you off but was looking for strange men to bed. A woman that’s willing to hook up strange men that she’s meeting on an adultery site is really way out there. You know of 2 guys but you have no idea how many men really had her over these 6 years.
> 
> There’s nothing to salvage. Why would you want to be with such a woman? There’s a woman out there who would want to be with a loyal , hard working man but you’ll never find her as long as your married to a woman who is so repulsed at the idea of having sex with you that she can only force herself to do once in a while.  Instead she rather be a free prostitute for strange men. Dna your kids, file for divorce, and fight to get shared custody.


I see your point but firstly I didn’t confess, she knew for a while and never confronted me. I see your point there. There’s no evidence she’s ever slept with anyone else, there’s one example of her suggesting meeting someone which is awful but it never happened. She says the sexting js purely for fantasy and I’ve found many more than 2 instances of it, even after confronting her about it. We do have sex and it is always good, I can tell she wants it and has an orgasm every time, it’s even got better recently since these revelations, but it’s infrequent. She needs to be totally in the mood which can easily be turned off by the slightest thing like stress or the most minor irritation with me or even unrelated to me


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## Jojobright (Dec 15, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Well, if you want to test the strength of your marriage than bring in a third person. However, remember that all of you actions have an impact on your children.
> 
> She is betraying you in so many ways. She is hiding online relationships, she made plans to meet up and lied saying it was just fantasy. Rest assured it wasn't fantasy, she would have been in that hotel in a heartbeat. She is using toys to get off either by herself or with guys online. Now she is lying and hiding things from you by locking her phone. How many ways do you need your trust broken before you can't accept it anymore.
> 
> ...


I totally agree with all of this and that’s why it has bothered me so much that I’ve now posted this on a forum. Is there anything I can do to save it or is it doomed and j have to basically break up my family for the sake of my sanity and self respect


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Jojobright said:


> I’m new to this site so please be kind. I’ve been married to my beautiful wife for 10 years and together 15 years. We have 2 amazing young children and a wonderful life together. She’s my soul mate and we are able to talk deeply about practically everything.
> since we got married the intimacy generally dried up and sex became infrequent for years. It was always great when we did (it wasn’t perfunctory, we always both climax together, we know we enjoy it), and he often stated in those years that she acknowledged that it wasn’t as often as we’d like but she loved me and wanted me sexually. That was enough for me at the time, but over a long period I became frustrated that I felt I’d married a women who didn’t have the same sexual drive as me and felt hard done by - especially having mutual female friends who would openly discuss their sex drives with me. I felt like I was just unlucky that my wife didn’t have that sexual urge. Ultimately after our first child was born I met a young beautiful woman 12 years younger than me and we started a very short relationship which was never physical but left me utterly destroyed for over 3 years.
> 
> I found out eventually that my wife had known about this via my emails etc for as long as 8 months and never confronted me. She forgave me for the emotional betrayal which was such an incredible feeling of acceptance that I immediately felt emancipation from the obsessive heart break I had carried for so long and knew that my wife was right for me. Soon after she told me she too had had fantasies about wanting sex with other people and that it was natural. That too gave me enormous relief that she was sexual and normal. I loved her sharing that with me. Months later I found a private bag full of sex toys and she was horrified I had found them but admitted they were hers. Again I felt enormous relief that she did have sexual drives and that I could tap into them.
> ...


BS it was physical. She does not care how you feel. DNA the kids to find out if they are yours.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Jojobright said:


> She’s my soul mate


Dude............really? A chick who chats up other guys but isn't interested in sex with you is your soul mate?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Jojobright said:


> I see your point but firstly I didn’t confess, she knew for a while and never confronted me. I see your point there. There’s no evidence she’s ever slept with anyone else, there’s one example of her suggesting meeting someone which is awful but it never happened. She says the sexting js purely for fantasy and I’ve found many more than 2 instances of it, even after confronting her about it. We do have sex and it is always good, I can tell she wants it and has an orgasm every time, it’s even got better recently since these revelations, but it’s infrequent. She needs to be totally in the mood which can easily be turned off by the slightest thing like stress or the most minor irritation with me or even unrelated to me


Like to see her pass a poly....


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Jojobright said:


> I totally agree with all of this and that’s why it has bothered me so much that I’ve now posted this on a forum. Is there anything I can do to save it or is it doomed and j have to basically break up my family for the sake of my sanity and self respect


I know non-monogamy does work for some people, but they are a special breed as far as I can tell. Outside of that small group non-monogamy, to me, indicates the partners inherently don't respect the institution of marriage or the value of their spouse. They may say they do, but deep down they are being selfish. Because of that attitude I don't think your wife will every completely respect you. You can't beleive a single word coming out of her mouth. 

You have 3 options as I see it. Stay and just live with it. Divorce and co-parent. Tell her you are okay with everything she is doing, but it has to be all above board. Complete transparency. I know which I would do, but this is your life and your choice.


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## Jojobright (Dec 15, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> Dude............really? A chick who chats up other guys but isn't interested in sex with you is your soul mate?


She does have sex with me but it’s infrequent and she feels a sense of excitement by sexual texting other men. She says it’s like me watching porn and I can buy that


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## Jojobright (Dec 15, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> BS it was physical. She does not care how you feel. DNA the kids to find out if they are yours.


If it was or is physical and she told me and shared with me I wouldn’t find it so hard to accept. She probably isn’t doing anything but I have a serious sense of distrust


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Jojobright said:


> We hadn’t had the monogamy discussion or thoughts until years after our marriage. We agree philosophically that monogamy is a flawed social construct but in practice we’ve never agreed to have a non monogamous relationship. She’s said that she would accept it if she found out or I told her I’d had purely sexual physical encounters with other people so long as I wasn’t emotionally attached. Since all these recent revelations our sex life improved enormously for a short period with us sharing her sex toys together and pushing our usual boundaries which gave me a lot of confidence. That’s dropped off a bit now and I’m left feeling a lack of trust for her


She said that likely because she doesn't believe that you can do that as easily as she can, because women typically have greater opportunities than men. It gives her permission to not be faithful to you while believing your lack of opportunity will keep you faithful to her.

If you stayed out for an afternoon and you told your wife that you had sex with a women, don't count on her to merely shrug her shoulders.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Jojobright said:


> If it was or is physical and she told me and shared with me I wouldn’t find it so hard to accept. She probably isn’t doing anything but I have a serious sense of distrust


she has said she does not believe in monogamy so she has no issue screwing other guys. She has also blocked you from seeing her electronics....dude take off tge blinders.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

You said sex dried up after marriage, doesn't that seem odd? 

Is this a case where you had very few partners and she had more experience than you? 

You said you are free to have sex with other people, how realistic is that? Could you get laid in the next 24hrs without using an escort? You said something about being a pirah when it comes to women. This isn't to insult you, but as others have said one reason she is open to sleeping with others is because she feels she has the advantage and there isn't a threat of you actually finding someone else. 

Do you pay most of the bills?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Jojobright said:


> I’m new to this site so please be kind. I’ve been married to my beautiful wife for 10 years and together 15 years. We have 2 amazing young children and a wonderful life together. She’s my soul mate and we are able to talk deeply about practically everything.
> since we got married the intimacy generally dried up and sex became infrequent for years. It was always great when we did (it wasn’t perfunctory, we always both climax together, we know we enjoy it), and he often stated in those years that she acknowledged that it wasn’t as often as we’d like but she loved me and wanted me sexually. That was enough for me at the time, but over a long period I became frustrated that I felt I’d married a women who didn’t have the same sexual drive as me and felt hard done by - especially having mutual female friends who would openly discuss their sex drives with me. I felt like I was just unlucky that my wife didn’t have that sexual urge. Ultimately after our first child was born I met a young beautiful woman 12 years younger than me and we started a very short relationship which was never physical but left me utterly destroyed for over 3 years.
> 
> I found out eventually that my wife had known about this via my emails etc for as long as 8 months and never confronted me. She forgave me for the emotional betrayal which was such an incredible feeling of acceptance that I immediately felt emancipation from the obsessive heart break I had carried for so long and knew that my wife was right for me. Soon after she told me she too had had fantasies about wanting sex with other people and that it was natural. That too gave me enormous relief that she was sexual and normal. I loved her sharing that with me. Months later I found a private bag full of sex toys and she was horrified I had found them but admitted they were hers. Again I felt enormous relief that she did have sexual drives and that I could tap into them.
> ...


Just to sum things up, you are better off without her than with her. As long as you stick with her, you deny yourself the time, resources, and opportunity to enjoy a good life on your terms, even if it means enjoying them alone. Being with her is also denying you the opportunity of finding somebody who does care for you, because you're tied to her.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

So, the biggest problem I have with your story is that you believed her when she said it was pure fantasy when she invited the guy to your place for sex. When that fell through, she invited him to a hotel.

dude.

thats not a fantasy. Regardless if it happened or not, the intent was there. In addition, your sex life has dropped off. It would be one thing of you were in a dead bedroom and she wasn’t on Ashley Madison inviting other guys to your apartment…. But she is.


you question about regaining trust.


in my personal opinion, it isn’t going to happen. You’ve said that you aren’t going to divorce her and you are sorta kinda maybe gonna do the open relationship thing. She has also changed her passwords.

do you personally see any path forward to regaining trust? If you are dead set on staying with her, then fine. To each their own, but there is no magical formula to regaining trust. Your Best option is “trust but verify”, but let’s be honest, that just means you need to watch her all the time. If you are cool with that, then have at it, but the fact that she already changed all of her passwords is telling. Spouses do that when they have something to hide.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Jojobright said:


> I appreciate your comments but I disagree. I feel that we both love each other and want to be together but I somehow need to find a way for her to trust me with her other impulses and indulgences


Her trusting you isnt the problem. It's the fact that SHE isn't trustworthy that is the problem.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Jojobright said:


> We hadn’t had the monogamy discussion or thoughts until years after our marriage. We agree philosophically that monogamy is a flawed social construct but in practice we’ve never agreed to have a non monogamous relationship. She’s said that she would accept it if she found out or I told her I’d had purely sexual physical encounters with other people so long as I wasn’t emotionally attached. Since all these recent revelations our sex life improved enormously for a short period with us sharing her sex toys together and pushing our usual boundaries which gave me a lot of confidence. That’s dropped off a bit now and I’m left feeling a lack of trust for her


Lol...if monogamy is a flawed social construct then what does that make your marriage? It seems the more natural non monogamous version isn't quite working out so well...


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Jojobright said:


> We hadn’t had the monogamy discussion or thoughts until years after our marriage. We agree philosophically that monogamy is a flawed social construct but in practice we’ve never agreed to have a non monogamous relationship. She’s said that she would accept it if she found out or I told her I’d had purely sexual physical encounters with other people so long as I wasn’t emotionally attached. Since all these recent revelations our sex life improved enormously for a short period with us sharing her sex toys together and pushing our usual boundaries which gave me a lot of confidence. That’s dropped off a bit now and I’m left feeling a lack of trust for her


You're monogamous, if only for a lack of opportunity, and she is not.


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

Your WW may know she can get away with pretty much anything because, let's face it, you're a pushover, but that doesn't necessarily mean she's willing to make every relationship she has with an OM/OW known to you. She most likely wants to protect them, and they don't feel comfortable with you knowing anything about them. She puts them above you. 

While I very, very much doubt you would ever out your WW's APs to their betrayed spouses, you certainly don't seem the type to feel obligated to, your WW apparently doesn't want to take that chance.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Dude, I'm not trying to insult you but, you come across as someone lacking in the upstairs. That or you're so naive and ignorant of mother nature and its impulse on living beings in their drive to procreate, including humans.
You're going against all that is naturally instinctive and wired in males to ensure that the progeny that they are raising is theirs.

Males that allow their mates to mate with other males are from a biological point of view not only playing Russian roulette with their chances to procreate, but also ensuring that they are committing genetic extinction of their own gametes. But thanks to modern technology mother nature is being bypass nowadays. So sad.

Although we humans are not monogamous by nature, just like any other species in this planet we follow rules established throughout our own evolution of physical and social adaptation in order not only to ensure the survival of the species but that each of us males ensure that those genes being passed on are ours.

When I read about men like you I can only feel sad to realized that many of today's males, specially in western societies are degenerating to a point that they are not even attractive to females anymore. Females now tend to seek males from other cultures where the men are men. Females are attracted to strong, confident, and assertive males. It is not wonder that your wife although she may have sex with you on a limited basis (most likely due to sense of duty) is not really that attracted to you on a primeval basis. You're just the beta provider. I can assure you that if she were to find a man that would really rock her world there would not be thoughts of poly anything in her mind. She would want to be exclusive with him at all cost. Well, by the way you're thinking of evolving your sexual relationship by opening it up, I can assure you that eventually you will end up smelling your fingers and be left wondering what that hell happened when you're left in the rear view by her and her new man.


Question: did you have a male figure growing up, or you were raised by a single parent female? I ask because too many of today's males raised like that are nothing but beta males.

If anything, you need to learn to have self-respect and dignity as a man and as an individual. What I gather so far from you is that you have neither. You may think you do, but really you don't. 

Your views although prevalent and fashionable in a very small section of society, as a whole those views are skewed. Thousands of years of human evolution tells you so.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Wanting to make a poly relationship work... I'm out, good luck.


agreed


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Jojobright said:


> Yeah and that’s the obvious and lazy answer. However *we both have love and respect for each other* and want to be together. We have a great life and 2 young children. It feels like breaking that up would be a last resort. I don’t even really blame her or resent her actions it’s just that I want to be a part of it too. If I had sex outside the relationship it would be purely for variety and nothing to do with my attraction to her and she knows that completely. If she had sex outside the relationship id be broken because it’s not with me first - if she wanted me 6 times a day and then spilled out over the sides that would be more acceptable to me.


No, she does not respect or desire you at all, and you are completely delusional to believe she does. Her actions, on a number of levels, show very clearly that she does not respect or desire you as a man.

You need to set aside your ego and whatever warped rationalization you’ve been telling yourself and accept the reality of your situation. That’s the only way you’ll be able to take control of your situation and improve it.

And the reality of your situation is that you are married to a woman who does not respect you as a man, who does not desire you as a man, and who is not in love with you as a man.
You are married to a woman who won’t **** YOU, her husband, but is acting out sexually with other men. While you sit at home, jerking off like a pathetic cuckold.

Is that the life you want? Is that the man you want to be?
It’s a choice and it’s up to you.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Her trusting you isnt the problem. It's the fact that SHE isn't trustworthy that is the problem.


The biggest problem, which is at the root of all this, is that she does not respect or desire him as a man. All the rest of this nonsense just flows down from that. 
And unfortunately he appears to weak and unwilling / incapable of taking control of the situation and being the kind of man his wife actually wants, and is willing to be loyal to.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Jojobright said:


> (If) _she actually had sex with other people_ too it wouldn’t bother me so much so long as she didn’t hide it from me, and (selfishly) was able to do the same too. I genuinely wouldn’t even mind if we had a _threesome_ with another man so long as I was completely involved too not a side show


Once a fantasy becomes a fact, your marriage is now in _other peoples hands_.
Some of these _other hands_ are really smooth, and manipulative, some are rough and calloused.
Those hands can take as well as give.

Hands, not your own, cannot be predictable, nor controlled!
Some hands lightly caress, and some coyly steal away what is yours.
What was, once yours.

A married man should always worry about those other men's hands.
Those hands have fingers, that wriggle and probe.
What a horrid thought.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Jojobright said:


> I She met him personally on Ashley Maddison (again prior to anything I had done; prior to kids, when we weren’t being physical). She has told me *she doesn’t believe in monogamy* and frankly *nor do I;* she’s ok if I were to do the same (even though as a married guy with 2 kids I’m a pariah to women….!). Now she’s changed her phone passwords so I can’t see anything and I feel I can’t trust anything at all and it’s destroying me. Help me please


not sure what you are here asking about.
you both believe in polyamorous lifestyles.
Of COURSE she is going to pursue sex with other men and women.
are you now changing your mind, as it seems she took you up on the hall pass you offered her?

it sounds like you need to sit down and have THE TALK with her. ask her to bring over one of her male friends for a threesome to get to know him. Find out what types of kinky sex she is into, that you do not know about, and offer that to her now. Maybe she loves anal, but you once said you are not into it. Maybe she love cunnilingus, but you refused to do it. Maybe she is into bondage, and you expressed disdain for all forms of BDSM. 

Take away the reason she is having sex with others, by fixing the sexual aspects of your marriage, and your quantity of sex will skyrocket


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Jojobright said:


> We do have sex and since these revelations it has become way better in that we’re more experimental and it’s dirtier and I feel that finding out her secrets has uninhibited her. The trouble is that it’s still infrequent and because I can’t access her phone* I worry she’s hiding stuff from me. *


exactly. she is embarrassed to tell you what dirty sex she really wants.
try to wear her down, get her really drunk, then ask what nasty things she wants you to do to her....her guard will be down


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

OddOne said:


> Your WW may know she can get away with pretty much anything because, let's face it, you're a pushover,


i disagree.

i believe it is more that you gave her tacit permission to experiment outside the marriage, and implied he wanted a "don't ask, don't tell" situation. It would be perfectly normal for her to set up an Ashley Madison account then, and not tell him anything more.

she is just doing what the OP has given permission for. You can not cast shade on her for doing what they agreed would be OK to do.

the only issue i see as troublesome is the low frequency of the marital sex. he has to get to the bottom of that and fix it. Not sure how, but it might be the sex acts she craves, maybe she wants a cuckold marriage, maybe it is the thrill of doing dirty secret things behind his back....who knows. but the OP should try to find out, in a non-combative way.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> not sure what you are here asking about.
> you both believe in polyamorous lifestyles.
> Of COURSE she is going to pursue sex with other men and women.
> are you now changing your mind, as it seems she took you up on the hall pass you offered her?
> ...


It also sounds like he may have objected at one point, since she changed her passwords.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Sure, it is obviously a complex thing. his acceptance of this extra marital thing might have ebbed and waned over time. And she decided to just keep it all secret, to reduce arguments or whatever.

but the OP has basically accepted reduced sex in the marriage for many years now. On the surface, it seems like an active cuckold relationship might be perfect for him. Or at least a hotwife relationship. 

a lot of guys are into that stuff. And the fact that it is not usually stable long term really does not matter, as he already is in a defacto cuckold relationship right now...

just bring it out into the open, and at least get some sexual gratification out of it for him!


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## Jojobright (Dec 15, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> Sure, it is obviously a complex thing. his acceptance of this extra marital thing might have ebbed and waned over time. And she decided to just keep it all secret, to reduce arguments or whatever.
> 
> but the OP has basically accepted reduced sex in the marriage for many years now. On the surface, it seems like an active cuckold relationship might be perfect for him. Or at least a hotwife relationship.
> 
> ...


I genuinely don’t think she’s sleeping with anyone. I just don’t like the fact I don’t have access to her phone and am fairly sure she’s sexting people which I don’t feel comfortable with anymore


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Jojobright said:


> I genuinely don’t think she’s sleeping with anyone. I just don’t like the fact I don’t have access to her phone and am fairly sure she’s sexting people which I don’t feel comfortable with anymore


How do you expect to have any basis for any kind of relationship if there is no transparency nor trust. This is doom to fail and if she can not see that, then why stay together


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Jojobright said:


> I just don’t like the fact I don’t have access to her phone and* am fairly sure she’s sexting people* which I don’t feel comfortable with anymore


You don't seem to get it. If indeed she's sexting, then *you are not enough for her.* You are not the one. No matter how you dice it, that's the bottom line; which, to a man that have self-respect and dignity is enough to end the relationship. Whether you want to believe it or not, your relationship is doomed. Not today, not tomorrow, but eventually it will come. It's just a matter of time. Remember: time waits for no one.

oh! by the way, there's not such thing as "soulmate". That's romantic Disney fed crap. Get a dose of reality, that's what you need. 

I understand that you want to stay with her, and for the children and family. Since it seems that that's the case the key to your problem is to become the man that would make her want to forget about any and all other men. Difficult to achieve, since it's obvious that she's not that really attracted to you, but it could happens. You need to become her alpha male. From a biological point of view, I doubt it. She's attracted to what she's attracted.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Jojobright said:


> I genuinely don’t think she’s sleeping with anyone. I just don’t like the fact I don’t have access to her phone and am fairly sure she’s sexting people which I don’t feel comfortable with anymore


i guess the point is: How do YOU get in on some of the fun? 
yes she is probably sexting other men or women. tell her it turns you on and you want to learn more about it. 
she probably thinks you will react negatively to it all


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Jojobright said:


> You might be right there and that’s what’s hurting. Even though she has said she doesn’t mind if I had sex with other people (which by the way is hugely liberating; the knowledge that I can do something) I genuinely feel I wouldn’t want to be in the relationship if I didn’t want her first and more. With her I think I believe she feels the same but the belief that I could never get find someone else because women tend to run a mile from married men with kids even if it’s totally allowed and open and honest, whereas a married women with 2 kids who wants no strings sex is literally the most attractive thing to most men; means that I (selfishly and childishly) feel it’s unbalanced and makes me feel jealous.


But what if she doesn't want you first and most? 

Because she doesn't.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

@Jojobright I think you are jealous that your wife can get the attention of other men while you can't get any!
That's why your wife told:


Jojobright said:


> she would accept it if she found out or I told her I’d had purely sexual physical encounters with other people so long as I wasn’t emotionally attached.


She knows you can't, and if you find anyone they would be way below average and way below her!
Do you think she would be OK if you find someone who is way more attractive and younger than her? I can answer that for you: NO

And I can promise you this, even if you find someone else they will end up looking for other men and not settle with you because:

You showed signs of being very weak man (women don't respect that)
You have low self respect for allowing the idea of sharing your women with other men and even telling her that (women don't respect men that do that)!
I can tell that you don't see yourself attractive, and that's why you're trying to compensate it with being "Open Minded" with your sexual boundaries, which makes you even more unattractive to wife and women in general!

I used to be a player, so I have very good experience with female nature and what attracts them and turns them on. Very simple, women are attracted to confident and assertive men, the Alpha strong type that don't share, what your wife did by sexting and setting up hotel meetups is enough for these men to kick her to the curb (Kids or no kids!)
Why? Because they have self respect and other options out there!
I know many Alpha type men, who used to be players and now married like me, they don't even allow for toys in the bedroom unless it's BDSM stuff that they use on their wives!

Three books can help you here:

The Rational Male - By Rollo Tomassi
The Unplugged Alpha: The No Bullsh*t Guide to Winning with Women & Life - By Richard Cooper
The Married Man Sex Life Primer - By Athol Kay
From your replies you proved that you have no idea about female nature and what attracts them, these books will help you and teach you all about it!
Trust me when I tell you, after reading these books you will be a different person!

Good luck!


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

Jojobright said:


> I genuinely don’t think she’s sleeping with anyone. I just don’t like the fact I don’t have access to her phone and am fairly sure she’s sexting people which I don’t feel comfortable with anymore


Have you asked her why she locked her phone? It’s time you make a stand and say I am your husband you are my wife we should have no secrets you can see my phone email etc anytime as I can yours. I would hide a camera and a VAR to see what she is doing we you are not at home. I see either do the above or go straight “open marriage” , divorce and go your separate ways or finally just continue you the way you have been going and stay miserable. I think that just about covers your options imo.


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## Jojobright (Dec 15, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> i guess the point is: How do YOU get in on some of the fun?
> yes she is probably sexting other men or women. tell her it turns you on and you want to learn more about it.
> she probably thinks you will react negatively to it all


Yeah I like this idea. Thanks.


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## Jojobright (Dec 15, 2021)

Thanks all for your engagement. I feel it has been a meaningful and useful discourse. I feel more confident about my way forward based on my emotional response to your input. Was good to get a gauge on it - thank you all x


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Kaliber said:


> @Jojobright I think you are jealous that your wife can get the attention of other men while you can't get any!
> That's why your wife told:
> 
> She knows you can't, and if you find anyone they would be way below average and way below her!
> ...


this is probably true. but how does it help the OP? 

He probably is NOT the alpha male type that you talk about, yet still wants sexual gratification from his marriage. He has a situation he finds himself in, and wants to know how to proceed. it sounds like whatever sexual thing his wife is into, he needs to tap into it somehow. there are many examples of men with hotwife women, who can share in their wives sexual adventures--just not in the traditional alpha male way.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Acceptance or extrication are his only two real options at this point.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You think your wife is sexting with other men , signed up to an adultery site and is not hooking up with them because you caught a couple of instances and she told you it was only talk and you believe her? Yet she’s changed her password to block you from her phone. How can you be this blind? You must put down the Hopium pipe and see her actions for what they really are not what she’s telling you. 

An open relationship only works for a very tiny minority of men. The great majority will be home by themselves while their wife is out nightly with new men. Even a below average woman could have a new guy Whose at or slightly above her sex rank on a daily if she really wants. The problem is the vetting them out. She will have an std very quickly.

So you have to decide if you want to stay married to a woman who’s so blatantly on the prowl. That you have kids together means absolutely nothing to her. One good thing for you is that a married mother on the prowl will not get anyone that wants her for keeps. So she will stay with you until she can no longer stomach being with such a weak man. I’m saying this not to be hurtful but to wake you up. Women despise weak men, and a man whose willing to share his wife and mother of his children is very weak.


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## Jojobright (Dec 15, 2021)

jsmart said:


> You think your wife is sexting with other men , signed up to an adultery site and is not hooking up with them because you caught a couple of instances and she told you it was only talk and you believe her? Yet she’s changed her password to block you from her phone. How can you be this blind? You must put down the Hopium pipe and see her actions for what they really are not what she’s telling you.
> 
> An open relationship only works for a very tiny minority of men. The great majority will be home by themselves while their wife is out nightly with new men. Even a below average woman could have a new guy Whose at or slightly above her sex rank on a daily if she really wants. The problem is the vetting them out. She will have an std very quickly.
> 
> So you have to decide if you want to stay married to a woman who’s so blatantly on the prowl. That you have kids together means absolutely nothing to her. One good thing for you is that a married mother on the prowl will not get anyone that wants her for keeps. So she will stay with you until she can no longer stomach being with such a weak man. I’m saying this not to be hurtful but to wake you up. Women despise weak men, and a man whose willing to share his wife and mother of his children is very weak.


I think she just gets off on sexting once in a while to be honest. Thanks though


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Jojobright said:


> I think she just gets off on sexting once in a while to be honest. Thanks though


Then why don't you want in on the action with her so that you infrequent sex turns into frequent sex?


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## Jojobright (Dec 15, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Then why don't you want in on the action with her so that you infrequent sex turns into frequent sex?


She did that stuff infrequently too. Yeah I wouldn’t mind, it’s worth exploring


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Jojobright said:


> She did that stuff infrequently too. Yeah I wouldn’t mind, it’s worth exploring


I've gotta say, your wife is an enigma. She has infrequent sex with you, but sounds like it is good sex when it happens. She has a bag full of toys and gets a thrill from sexting random strangers, but does that infrequently. She has also said she doesn't believe in monogamy (after you were married). She seems to have a bunch of characteristic of someone you would expect to have high sex drive, but according to your descriptions she is low drive based on frequency. What does infrequent mean to you? How often are you having sex? How often is she sexting, to you knowledge?

I personally think your whole marriage dynamic is out of whack, but if it is what you want, then that is your choice. I suggest you have a boundaries discussion with her. Discuss what behaviors the two of you will and won't accept and agree to live by them. You will need to be explicit about the boundaries. Is physical contact allowed with some one else or virtual only? Is mutual masturbation with video chat okay? Sexting is okay, but no pics or video, or are you both okay with pics and videos. You don't want to leave anything up to interpretation. First and foremost is you both have to be open books to each other. Your wife has to allow access to her phone, same goes for you. Also, I suggest you both agree to not delete any conversation until the other spouse has had a chance to look at it. If you agree to boundaries you both must be able to verify that the other is living up to those boundaries. On top of that, I would think it would be a turn on to know what the other is doing since you are into that kind of thing.


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## Jojobright (Dec 15, 2021)

Totally agree with all of this. Yes it is odd isn’t it. Infrequent is like maybe twice or three times a month. The sexting thing isn’t happening anymore apparently but was probably maybe less than once a month from what I could see, possibly even less frequently than that. I had a discussion with her last night about it and told her if she wanted to do that kind of thing again I wanted to know about it and she agreed, so I guess now all that’s left is maybe play around with those ideas together to see if it stimulates some interesting dynamics for us.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Jojobright said:


> Totally agree with all of this. Yes it is odd isn’t it. Infrequent is like maybe twice or three times a month. The sexting thing isn’t happening anymore apparently but was probably maybe less than once a month from what I could see, possibly even less frequently than that. I had a discussion with her last night about it and told her if she wanted to do that kind of thing again I wanted to know about it and she agreed, so I guess now all that’s left is maybe play around with those ideas together to see if it stimulates some interesting dynamics for us.


2-3 times a month isn't great (in my opinion, lol), but it certainly isn't a sexless marriage. That is a good thing. It is good that you are talking too. So many problems can be avoided or mitigated if a couple just communicates. I still believe you have to get her to be open with her phone again. Trust by verify is the best policy in my opinion. I probably don't have to say this, but please make sure you both always consider the welfare of your children when making any kind of decisions. Remember, when you bring someone else into your life, even virtually, they can have an impact on your whole family.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I've gotta say, your wife is an enigma. She has infrequent sex with you, but sounds like it is good sex when it happens. She has a bag full of toys and gets a thrill from sexting random strangers, but does that infrequently. She has also said she doesn't believe in monogamy (after you were married). She seems to have a bunch of characteristic of someone you would expect to have high sex drive, but according to your descriptions she is low drive based on frequency. What does infrequent mean to you? How often are you having sex? How often is she sexting, to you knowledge?
> 
> I personally think your whole marriage dynamic is out of whack, but if it is what you want, then that is your choice. I suggest you have a boundaries discussion with her. Discuss what behaviors the two of you will and won't accept and agree to live by them. You will need to be explicit about the boundaries. Is physical contact allowed with some one else or virtual only? Is mutual masturbation with video chat okay? Sexting is okay, but no pics or video, or are you both okay with pics and videos. You don't want to leave anything up to interpretation. First and foremost is you both have to be open books to each other. Your wife has to allow access to her phone, same goes for you. Also, I suggest you both agree to not delete any conversation until the other spouse has had a chance to look at it. If you agree to boundaries you both must be able to verify that the other is living up to those boundaries. On top of that, I would think it would be a turn on to know what the other is doing since you are into that kind of thing.


i tend to agree. its already happening. and you two do seem to enjoy the sexual thrill of it all. discuss the boundaries you both would be uncomfortable with if the other crossed, then just leave each other alone. while you two should be sharing each others communications and passwords....it is not something you should be hounding each other about, since it would be "approved" behavior.

it seems like letting her have her little online escapades would be better if right after it, she walked into the bedroom all hot and ready for action with you! try to figure out how to bring back your own lustful sex in the bedroom

and i would ask her specifically about any kinky sex acts she enjoys online that you do not do with her at home. she might tell you the secret to getting her hot. just a guess, but it might be some sort of dom/sub role play--she might be in one of those "married but owned by another" kinks


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## Jojobright (Dec 15, 2021)

Thanks. Have initiated this. Let’s see if I get some buy in


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Jojobright said:


> Thanks. Have initiated this. Let’s see if I get some buy in


you should.
she is horny, and enjoys unusual sexual activity. An eager husband would be a logical person to explore those kinks with.

really the only things that might derail your getting involved, is if she has turned lesbian, or she has a dom who has ordered her to not have sex with you (or banned kinkier sex acts with you). If her frequency of contact as only "once a month" is true, the dom one is probably not going to be a problem, as a dom would be much more controlling than once a month!

and the lesbian possibility...have her invite her friend over for some FMF fun.....


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## Jojobright (Dec 15, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> you should.
> she is horny, and enjoys unusual sexual activity. An eager husband would be a logical person to explore those kinks with.
> 
> really the only things that might derail your getting involved, is if she has turned lesbian, or she has a dom who has ordered her to not have sex with you (or banned kinkier sex acts with you). If her frequency of contact as only "once a month" is true, the dom one is probably not going to be a problem, as a dom would be much more controlling than once a month!
> ...


It’s not this but it did make me chuckle


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

good!
go for it!


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Jojobright said:


> We hadn’t had the monogamy discussion or thoughts until years after our marriage. We agree philosophically that monogamy is a flawed social construct but in practice we’ve never agreed to have a non monogamous relationship. She’s said that she would accept it if she found out or I told her I’d had purely sexual physical encounters with other people so long as I wasn’t emotionally attached. Since all these recent revelations our sex life improved enormously for a short period with us sharing her sex toys together and pushing our usual boundaries which gave me a lot of confidence. That’s dropped off a bit now and I’m left feeling a lack of trust for her



Because she has been having sex with other men before she even met you and has never stopped having sex with other men. 

She forgave you for your emotional affair because she was f’ing other guys already. 

She is a cheater, if she believed in being poly she would have told you this when you first met. Like others have said, you are financially responsible and sound. You are her security blanket in times of need. She cheats on you and stopped having sex with you because she isn’t sexually attracted to you. She now knows she need to at least keep you somewhat satisfied sexually so you don’t divorce her. 

Your being a fool because you know this deep down inside. 

You saying monogamy is flawed is just so you have an excuse for your wife using you as a checkbook. Your helpless until you gain some self respect. 

As long as your wife is going to be other mens ******, she might as well make money at it. Start a OF page for her and you can be the camera operator. You can have your own little porn star, wait you already do.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Hate to say it but I think 


ABHale said:


> Because she has been having sex with other men before she even met you and has never stopped having sex with other men.
> 
> She forgave you for your emotional affair because she was f’ing other guys already.
> 
> ...


other than the last paragraph,
I hate say it but this is likely painfully correct.
OP,
Why do you think you’re wife likes sex with you and loves you, but you only get it 2 or 3 times a month and she feels the need to sext other guys? When are going to accept that she isn’t scheduling meetups either other men and not actually having sex with them? You are ignoring logic….
One really shouldn’t ignore reason just to wish for an alternate reality. What you know about her extramarital activities is the tip of the iceberg. Surely you know this?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Jojobright said:


> You might be right there and that’s what’s hurting. Even though she has said she doesn’t mind if I had sex with other people (which by the way is hugely liberating; the knowledge that I can do something) I genuinely feel I wouldn’t want to be in the relationship if I didn’t want her first and more. With her I think I believe she feels the same but the belief that I could never get find someone else because women tend to run a mile from married men with kids even if it’s totally allowed and open and honest, whereas a married women with 2 kids who wants no strings sex is literally the most attractive thing to most men; means that I (selfishly and childishly) feel it’s unbalanced and makes me feel jealous.


Oh don't worry, there are plenty of people of both sexes who think nothing of having sex with a married person. 

Personally I think your marriage is heading for disaster bringing others into it, but that's your choice.


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## californian (Jan 28, 2010)

Jojobright: look up "masochism". You're confusing it with love. You're a perfect "supply" for somebody very selfish. Good luck!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OddOne said:


> Facts.
> 
> Maybe you should open the marriage, OP. Seems the best option short of divorce, which you're never going to do.


Sadly he already did.


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## Killi (May 12, 2021)

You can't mix monogamy with polyamory. Polyamory works great on its own, you can have many relationships and have sex with many other people but when you try to combine it with marriage its like a poison and the damage never gets repaired. Trying to get the best of two worlds never works here, its either marriage or poly life.


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