# Setting and enforcing healthy boundaries



## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

I was reading some of Conrads posts, thought this might be a good re-post?

One of the most difficult subjects to master in the art of marriage is the setting and enforcing of healthy boundaries. Everyone has personal boundaries. These are the behavioral lines in the sand that we would prefer people to not cross. In other words, our personal boundaries define what we will and will not accept in our relationships with others.

In general, boundaries are a good thing. If you did not have any personal boundaries then other people could walk all over you. However, like all other things in life, there is a balance that must be achieved. You have to ensure that your personal boundaries are healthy and reasonable, and that your methods of enforcing them are appropriate. I believe that there are two types of boundaries that need to be addressed. There are matters of the heart, and matters of daily life. They are both important, but each may have different personal tolerances and different methods through which they can be resolved.

Let’s examine a few ways in which boundary setting can get out of whack.

Unreasonable Boundaries

For example, you may have a daily life boundary such as expressing to your spouse that they are not allowed to spend any money without consulting you first. They will surmise from this that you do not trust them to be responsible with money. This exposes insecurity on your part, and they may come to resent you for being so controlling on this issue. Nobody likes to be treated in a mistrusting way. They do not want to be controlled by your fears.

If your spouse has ever accused you of being too controlling or obsessive about some aspect of your marriage, check to see if you have set unreasonable boundaries. Be honest with yourself. If you are insecure about something then it is best to deal with that insecurity before it starts to undermine your marriage. It may be that your boundaries are perfectly reasonable and it is your spouse’s expectations that are not. Either way, these things should be brought into the open so that they can be resolved.

As I said above, it is good and healthy to set boundaries in your relationships, but you have to be sure that your boundaries are reasonable. In matters of the heart, for example, many people would say that it is reasonable to tell your spouse that you will not accept them flirting with members of the opposite sex. In my humble opinion, this type of restriction is not reasonable. It exposes insecurity on your part, and fear surrounding their interactions with members of the opposite sex.

Some people may argue the point, but it is my opinion that a little flirting with the opposite sex is healthy. Who does not occasionally want to know that they are attractive to someone other than their spouse? As long as things are not allow to go beyond what is appropriate for a couple, then there really is no harm. However, what is appropriate for each couple is up to them.

In some cases, a person may have so much fear and insecurity in their marriage that they forbid their spouse to have any social interaction with members of the opposite sex. A restriction like this is not only unreasonable, but is also nearly impossible to comply with. How would you even enforce such a thing? It is simply setting your marriage up for failure.

Typically, when boundaries of the heart are involved, the unreasonable boundary it is related to a personal insecurity that we have. Deep down inside we may be terrified that our spouse will someday leave us for a more attractive person. The unreasonable boundary is an attempt to mitigate that possibility. Clearly, such things have a way of eventually blowing up. Another problem with boundaries of the heart is that they are often un-stated. We simply assume that our spouse knows how we feel and thus it does not have to be communicated.

Too many of us fear matters of the heart due to our insecurity of being accepted, weak, needy, and exposed. That in itself is setting the marriage up for problems. We all have our ideas of what is healthy and unhealthy when it comes to our sexual nature. When we do not express our thoughts with each other and agree on our combined boundaries, we are headed for trouble.

As a rule of thumb, if you are not willing to clearly state a boundary to your spouse then odds are that some part of you knows that it is not reasonable.

Failure to Enforce Boundaries

Even if a person has set perfectly reasonable personal boundaries, they may have an issue with enforcing them. This is also caused by insecurity. It typically means that the person is afraid of what will happen if they stand up for themselves.

Let’s assume that you and your spouse have mutual agreements about how you each should behave, but your spouse routinely violates these boundaries. On a couple of occasions you tried to call them on it, but this drew such an angry back lash that you have decided to back off in favour of keeping the peace.

The problem with this situation is that it does not actually keep the peace because the problem does not go away. You are still angry and upset that your personal boundaries were violated. Over time your resentment will build and seriously damage your relationship. If you are not speaking up then your spouse may decide that you were not really serious about those boundaries and thus they will continue to ignore them.

The solution is that you have to stick up for yourself, even if it means having a confrontation now and then. Your spouse cannot read your mind. They do not know how serious you are about your boundaries. You have to let them know when they have crossed a line.

A big key here is how you express your concerns. In most cases, we tend to confront when we are upset, and thus we come off in a criticizing, unhappy, and angry way. Clearly this how arguments start, and often get out of control. It is imperative that we express our boundaries in a calm, non-criticizing, non-combative way. We simply express our concerns, and the fact that we both want what is best for each other and our marriage as a whole. We express that we are not trying to control our spouse; we simply want to achieve a mutually happy compromise. We are establishing mutual boundaries. The idea is not to create friction and resentment, the idea is to create a win/win situation. The marriage is more important than either person’s selfish motivations.

Setting Healthy Boundaries

If you have unreasonable boundaries then the solution is that you have to learn to trust your spouse more. You need to start relaxing your boundaries to the point where there is a reasonable amount of slack.

This usually means that you have to face up to the areas of your life that you are insecure about. There are a multitude of things that a person can be insecure about. Perhaps it is your physical appearance. Perhaps it is your finances or job security. Whatever it is, you need to be honest with yourself about what your personal fears are. Knowing what they are is the first step to diffusing them.

Once you have identified areas of your life that have fear in them, start experimenting with relaxing the boundaries a bit.

Rather than insisting that your spouse consult you on all purchases, try setting a limit that you both agree on. If you want to spend over $100 please call me first.

Rather than insisting that your spouse cannot socialize with members of the opposite sex, simply state that you both know what is appropriate and what is not; agree that you will each take responsibility in never allowing a relationship to cross that boundary.

No matter what you decide, the real trick is to follow through on it. They may decide to test you on it. They may come home with a $99 dollar item and see what your response is. They may walk over and talk to an attractive member of the opposite sex at a party to see what you will do. You need to ensure that you do not give into your fears and fall back into an unreasonable attempt to manipulate them away from your areas of insecurity.

This is a process of growth and it may take time to become comfortable with it. However, you will probably find that as you relax your controls, the world does not fall apart. The bank account does not suddenly get emptied, and your spouse does not suddenly run off with someone that they met. Those fears were unreasonable and time will prove that.

On the other hand, if your spouse decides to take advantage of your change in attitude then the next section will be useful for you.

Enforcing Boundaries in a Healthy Way

Setting boundaries is relatively straight forward. Enforcing them is a different matter. It is not an exact science and requires you to make judgement calls. Generally speaking, you must always be weighing your responses against the seriousness of the infraction. If the consequences of crossing a line are too heavy then you risk injecting a lot of unnecessary anger and resentment into the relationship.

For day to day boundaries, the best approach is usually one of escalating consequences. This essentially means that you start off light and increase the seriousness of your response with each infraction.

Suppose you have told your spouse that you do not like to be told off in front of the kids. The first time they do this you take them aside and calmly remind them that it undermines your authority with the children and you would prefer that they not do this. Most people will respond well to criticism that is delivered in private in a calm manner. If they do it again then you may have to be sterner with them the next time. If they persist in telling you off in front of the kids they you may have to cut them off by saying “we are not having this discussion now!”

Of course, there will be some issues that are intolerable right from the first offence and they must be dealt with as soon as possible. Suppose that your spouse drove home from an office party and they were obviously over the legal alcohol limit. You are not going to take them aside and calmly ask them to not do that again. You are going to tell them in no uncertain terms that this is not acceptable.

There may also be situations that are so unacceptable that you must threaten the future of the marriage. Boundaries of the heart often fall into this category. The most obvious example of this is an affair. If you think that your spouse may be romantically involved with someone else then you must confront them about it and make it clear that they have a choice to make. If they choose to continue the affair then the marriage ends. Of course, you must be prepared to carry through on such threats.

Many people think that they must sacrifice their own happiness for the good of their family. They will put up with abuse, an affair, or a drinking problem for years because they are afraid of what would happen if they threatened the marriage itself. Their silence only perpetuates their own suffering.

You were not put on this Earth to be a doormat for anyone else. God did not put you here to watch you suffer in an intolerable situation. Ensuring your own health and well being may require you to walk away from a spouse who does not respect you and your reasonable boundaries.

If your marriage were to end it would be emotionally traumatic for your family, but it would not be the end of the world. If your spouse knows that you are serious about the behaviours that are unacceptable, then odds are that they will sort themselves out. If they do not, then the consequences will be of their own creation.

Summary

There is only one person on this Earth who is responsible for your happiness … and that is You!

You need to ensure that you set healthy boundaries for what you will and will not accept in your marriage. You need to ensure that your boundaries are reasonable and not driven by personal fear and insecurity. You must insure that your mutual boundaries have been clearly expressed and that you each understand them. You must also insure that you each understand the consequences and agree on mutually enforcing them in a way that benefits you as individuals and as a married couple. The marriage is always the number one priority.

If you know that your boundaries are reasonable, then you must be willing to enforce them. For most day to day boundaries a series of escalating confrontations is sufficient to resolve the problem. However, if your spouse is violating a heart boundary and is doing something that is truly intolerable, then you may have to threaten the future of the relationship. This is not a betrayal. You are making it clear that you cannot live with this situation so they have to make a choice. If they choose to continue with their intolerable behaviour then they have made a choice and the consequences will be of their own making.

There should never be a reason for repeated heavy conversations or fighting. One partner should not have to be the bad guy and object of resentment. Neither partner should be abusing the relationship. When we are free to make choices and accept the consequences, there is no need to argue. The only comment that needs to be made is “you knew the boundaries, and you made a choice to violate them. You know what the consequences are, and you have no one to blame but yourself. The only question left is whether we are going to learn from the mistake, re-establish the mutual boundaries, and move forward, or start moving apart?”

It all comes down to maintaining a healthy balance. Do not allow fear to push you in either direction. Do not allow fear to make you controlling and intolerant. Do not allow fear to make you timid and unwilling to stand up for your self. There is a healthy middle path. The art of having a healthy marriage is to find that balanced approach and live it with integrity.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

While I don't disagree with any of this...

do you have a paper due?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

RDJ said:


> For example, you may have a daily life boundary such as expressing to your spouse that they are not allowed to spend any money without consulting you first.
> 
> In matters of the heart, for example, many people would say that it is reasonable to tell your spouse that you will not accept them flirting with members of the opposite sex. In my humble opinion, this type of restriction is not reasonable. It exposes insecurity on your part, and fear surrounding their interactions with members of the opposite sex.


One aspect of boundaries that took me awhile to implement is being non-judgemental while standing up for my needs. If my H did something I didn't like I immediately labeled his behavior and then labeled him as controlling, manipulative, etc. But once you label someone, or their behavior, you lose healthy boundaries. If you step into a "should" attitude you never had boundaries in the first place. And not only that, you gain a lot of anger and resentment. The most important part of healthy boundaries is letting go of judgement when someone does something that hurts you because it is the only way you'll ever be happy. Healthy boundaries is learning to accept that your reaction is not the predecessor for the definition for other people's behavior. It's simply saying, "It doesnt work- for me." You've got to let go of judgment completely while still acknowledging and accepting that it doesn't work for you. 

That doesn't mean you cannot voice your feelings and _ask_ them to change. It means you don't assume they are wrong and never assume they should change. You can say that it is not right for you and so you will do xyz to protect yourself, or liberate yourself, but judgement will trap you in anger.


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