# Husband seeing another girl to save our marriage?!



## kdruark (Feb 2, 2011)

Confused and looking for advice. My husband and I have been together for almost 5 years, married for 2 1/2. We recently decided to grow our family, I am 7 months pregnant with our first child. Our relationship has been had its ups and downs like any other. I used to struggle with old feelings for an ex, although I never cheated I hurt my hubby by seeing this ex once or twice for closure (nothing happened). It was bad timing on both occasions and the hubby has never really gotten over how bad it hurt him. The last time I saw the ex, the hubby was at basic training (horrible timing, and hubby and I had been married about 6 months) but we talked and I got over my feelings for this ex. While I got past those feelings and took a step further in loving my husband, he got hurt and took a step back. Since then, he has told me that he has never felt the same about me and now feels like he only loves me as a friend. 

Within the last 2 months, my hubby has tried to talk to me about what he needed more of in our relationship. I listened and tried it for awhile, but honestly I wasnt really trying or listening. I let the pregnancy and school work consume my life that I quit caring about what he wanted and focused only on myself. I realize now that I should have been trying harder. I never told him how much I appreciated him working so hard, or doing everything he could to make me happy. He pampered me and loved me, and I took if for granted. I never thought that I had to put any effort in (or at least put in the bare minimum). I never thought that he would leave. 

We have been seperated for a little over a week. I have had some realizations and eyeopening feelings towards how much I love him and things I need to work on. He says he wants to work it out, but that he fell out of love with me. He says he needs to feel like he can be happy again. I am now doing everything I can think of, everything he has asked me to change. 

To make matters worse, he befriended a girl at work who was also having marital problems. Since then, they have developed feelings for each other. He says that she makes him feel important and happy and I havent done that for him in a long time. He asked for an open marriage and I said no. After lots of tears and talking, he honestly believes that this is something he needs to do (see this other girl) and get it out of his system because he has had feelings like this before with others and never acted on them. I was not ready to get divorced but dont think i can handle the pain. So we seperated so he could miss me. Well in the mean time, the two have started seeing each other. (Rules for seeing each other: no attachment, no sex, no showers, no oral sex. only hands on activities.) This makes me sick. I cant eat, I cant sleep. 

I love him so much. He is a very honest man, he has told me not to give up on him and he really wants to fix our marriage. I know he would not make me suffer this if he was just gonna leave me. He is not that kind of person. He says that he cant put his finger on what it is about her that makes him happy, he said its not the newness because that is already gone. 

I am so confused on how to make him happy again. I am trying everything he asked of me and then some. Its so hard to show him I have changed if he is not around. I am trying to give him his space, but Im scared. I need support. He hates the idea of reading a marriage book or going to counseling because he thinks that if he does than his feelings wont be genuine. 
He says he sees how Ive changed, but doesnt understand why it took this for me to change. I have no answer for that. He feels angry when he sees my changing because he feels like im only doing to make him stay. I have told him over and over that this is the real deal and I love him more than anything, that I will try to handle this pain because I love him.

I am not willing to give up yet. I just dont know how to handle a sitution like this, and he doesnt know what to tell me to do either but just dont give up. And he promises he is trying. He doesnt want to leave his wife and future son.

What should I do? How do I approach a situation like this? How can I make him get past her and back in my arms? Any advice is welcome!!


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

I don't have any answers for you but a couple things jumped out at me from your post.



kdruark said:


> (Rules for seeing each other: no attachment, no sex, no showers, no oral sex. only hands on activities.)


Whose rules are these?

You've been separated only a week, and he claims the newness has worn off already? Does that mean he was seeing her while you were still together? I think it usually takes 3-6 months for the newness to wear off. And, as recently as 2 months ago he was telling you what he needed from you to be happy together? He must have been seeing her already...


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## kdruark (Feb 2, 2011)

These rules were put in place by me and her hubby. 
Its almost been two weeks, but they have been talking about it for awhile (around a month, maybe less) I think. Someone else brought it up to him and he mentioned it to her, well her hubby had mentioned it to her before so they all decided it was a good idea-everyone but me, who was the last to know. 
When he first brought up the open marriage, he was so sick-he couldnt eat or sleep. He told me had the knots in his stomach. He was literally sick (not eating and sounded depressed). He told me today that the knots are gone and there is no newness with her anymore, however she does make him feel important and happy. 
He had been telling me for longer than 2 months (about a year i guess) that he wanted more of this or that. Only about 2 months ago did he really start to emphasize this. I was about to graduate college and going through a hard internship and pregnancy was really hard then, being sick all the time. I listened to him and tried to do what he asked but my heart wasnt in it. I didnt give it half the effort I should have. 
He says he needs to feel happy with me before he will come home. He doesnt want to fake it. 
I dont know how to compete with her.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

*Re: Husband seeing another girl and trying to save our marriage?!*

Well you don't do it by agreeing to "only hands on activities". Do you seriously think it will end there?

Get yourself to marriage counseling and ask him to come. If he doesn't want to go, go alone or go to an individual therapist to show him you are serious about saving the marriage. 

This way you will learn how to accept the crappy situation you are in, learn how to correct the crappy situation you are in or figure out how to leave the crappy situation you are in.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Your husband is seeing a married woman and the uninvolved spouses set up the ground rules? This is beyond bizarre to me. Further, I can't imagine they will follow the rules. We all know enough about passion and attraction to be able to predict what will likely happen. They have been given permission to handle the forbidden fruit - physical intimacy is only a heartbeat away...



kdruark said:


> He says he wants to work it out, but that he fell out of love with me.
> He is a very honest man, he has told me not to give up on him and he really wants to fix our marriage.


If he really wants to work it out, he needs to completely abandon the other woman. He needs all his psychic energy available to focus on the marriage and the steps needed to rebuild it. He also needs to agree to therapy with you. Maybe he doesn't understand what counseling is. A counselor is an objective outsider (with much experience in this area) who will help illuminate weak areas and will facilitate communication between the two of you. That's her entire basic function. All the work is between you & your husband and will be more genuine than it's been in years.

In your shoes, I would not settle for anything less.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

He's not going to "miss you" when he's with another woman. And I don't think the rules matter. That's just not acceptable. I'm sorry you are going through this.


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## kdruark (Feb 2, 2011)

Thanks for the advice, I completely agree with what u r saying. He refuses to try anything but this. I dont know how to make it any cleared to him that he needs to quit seeing her. I tried today to explain that to him, but he got upset and everytime I try to explain it that happens. I am going to push him further away if keep doing that. Idk what else to do? 
Should I act like im fine and go on about my life, making him miss me?
Should I keep showing him how hurt I am?
Should I tell her (she is someone I know) that she is ruining my marriage and ask her not to see him anymore? (which I think will just blow up in my face and push him further.)


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

The only thing you have control over is what you will allow into your life. You can't make him miss you or love you. 

But, you can let him know this situation is unacceptable to you and you will not tolerate it in your life. If this is his choice, you will focus on making a good home for you and your child - without him. Then do it. If he comes back after the OW is done with him, you have a decision to make - but the door is not open to him. 

Be strong and firm. Then get on with your life.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

*Re: Husband seeing another girl and trying to save our marriage?!*

I don't see how he could ask you to not "give up on him" while he is seeing someone else. He SAYS one thing yet does another. You have to pay attention to his actions. Is he just keeping you hanging on in case things don't work out with this other girl? What if they DO work out? How long are you supposed to wait? I wouldn't wait at all. 

I'd file separation papers (that doesn't mean you have to divorce) and let him know he's going to be losing out big time if he doesn't get off the fence. He's also going to be paying child support..effective as soon as the baby's born. You really need to send him a clear message that you're not willing to be number 2, and you're not willing to wait around while he gets this "out of his system". 

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Pregnancy is hard enough without adding this kind of stress to it.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

The "newness" of his relationship with the other woman won't wear off until they start "fitness testing" THEIR relationship.

Right now, they are only going on about how bad it is with you and the other woman's hubby.

So, do not buy the "newness has worn off".

This is far from over - but I will say that you and the other spouse "signing off" on this was not a good start.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Truthfully, it sounds like he (and her) are forcing an open marriage on you (and her hubby). Well, not really forcing, there's no gun to your head. But he's taking advantage of the fact that you love him and don't want to lose him to do what he wants and still have you waiting for him. 

Personally, I wouldn't be able to deal with that. Regardless of how much I love him, if my boyfriend acted that way, I'd lay it out for him: her or me. And if he doesn't decide within...I don't know, a week or so, I'm deciding for him and ending it. I know you're pregnant and married and feel like you'd be destroying your family to do that, but consider that what he's doing is just as likely to destroy your family, and probably in a much more destructive way. If this keeps going, you'll grow to resent him, and then you guys will fight and argue, say mean things to each other, and that's not the example you want to set for your son. Better to set the example of respecting yourself enough to get out of a situation that you don't agree with and can't handle.


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## CaliMomof3 (Jan 3, 2011)

Sweetheart, he is manipulating you and trying to "control" you. This situation is not about rebuilding your marriage or his meeting his needs. He is stepping out on you with another woman to experiment and do what he wants. Honestly, my heart is breaking for you because I've walked a similar path. My H of 12 years wanted to be with other couples, other women, see me with other men. I felt there was something wrong with me. I thought I wasn't giving him enough. I blamed myself. I criticized my lack of initiative so I built a business out of my home. I thought I wasn't interesting enough so I read articles and news commentary and tried to spark conversation only to be knocked down. I thought I wasn't sexual enough so I become even more available to meet his needs and boy oh boy did he use me. The bottom line, when I finally cracked and had enough there was nothing I did that would ever be enough for a man like that. He had issues and he wasn't satisfied with me and he wasn't man enough to step up and acknowledge the truth. 

There is NOTHING wrong with you! You've done everything you could to love and support and be there for your man and he is the one with serious issues. They will not go away! You are perfect as you are, enjoy your baby and make the best life you can for the two of you.

I know this hurts but i'm telling you from experience, these types of men just don't change. I filed for divorce 7 years ago for this type of exploitation and he promised all kinds of change and even acted on it for a few months. I withdrew my petition for divorce. Slowly things resumed but only with a vengeance. I feel it got way out of control and way out of hand. He wouldn't stop. Finally I snapped and had no choice but to ask him to leave. He left or I left with the children.

yes it hurts. I am an emotional mess most of the time. I am trying desperately to keep everything together for my children and my business. this is now my life. I am trying to be amicable for the sake of my children but I'll tell you I feel it is slowly destroying me. I hope to survive until the papers are filed.

Nothing about this process is easy but you have to remember you can only control yourself. You cannot make another person do anything! Not ever! You can only change your behavior. Do your best to take care of yourself and stop blaming yourself. he has the problem not you. I share my story with you only to enlighten you. I am not proud of the the things that happened or the outcome but I really feel you need to know you are not alone and you ARE NOT TO BLAME AT ALL! Some people are just sick! Read the book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. Some men are subconsciously taught a sense of entitlement that includes women as personal property. they don't mean to be that way but the reality is that they are.

I wish you and your baby all the luck in the world! Take care and hang in there!


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

My dear, your husband is confused too. All he is doing is seeking comfort in someone else because it makes him feel better and not alone. It may not be immediate but that relationship will also crash. He may easily move on. And he's said he has had feelings for others many times but never acted on them?!?!?! Girl, he is manipulating you. He's making you feel bad for something that you did, when he's been creating situations where he's had feelings for other women while married! Im so sorry, but he's not into the marriage and using the excuse that you hurt him, to make his actions acceptable, which they are not. You should not go through this. And especially not while you're pregnant. My husband is somewhat the same in that he is seeking solace in anothers arms, but he just wants a divorce, and to be friends. He was also upset at me for talking to my ex too, which I had told him was happening, and its because my ex and I have a daughter together and I was planning on moving to live with my husband and we needed to make arrangements for my ex's and my child. My husband flipped his lid. But then he tells me he always wants to be involved in MY life. What? 
You need to get out. Its so painful on the outside when you're pregnant and alone and you feel so betrayed. But he is only trying to keep you in case this other relationship falls. You'll always be his 'go to girl' because he knows how devoted you are. And Im afraid that its going to be a vicious cycle. Hes going to keep running off and you'll keep waiting for him. 
What I am slowly learning to do, is to get out more, on my own or with friends. And if my husband calls, Im not available. I now refuse to be a puppy dog always so eager to please him. If he truly misses me, only time will tell. 
Its going to be a long road to healing, but you can do it too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

kdruark said:


> Thanks for the advice, I completely agree with what u r saying. He refuses to try anything but this. I dont know how to make it any cleared to him that he needs to quit seeing her. I tried today to explain that to him, but he got upset and everytime I try to explain it that happens. I am going to push him further away if keep doing that. Idk what else to do?
> Should I act like im fine and go on about my life, making him miss me?


This is not open marriage. Open marriage is a subset of RESPONSIBLE non-monogamy. This is not RESPONSIBLE non-monogamy. The rule book, unofficial as it is, of responsible non-monogamy is that the committed partners negotiate to agreement. No one over rules the wishes of others.

When he gets upset, what is the content of his upset? 




> Should I keep showing him how hurt I am?
> Should I tell her (she is someone I know) that she is ruining my marriage and ask her not to see him anymore? (which I think will just blow up in my face and push him further.)


Do neither of those. Step one is to really understand what is motivating him. Is she his PRIMARY interest now, and you are the wife who is just there? If so, basically you are hosed. If no. If YOU are the primary interest still, then you set limits that suit you. It is ultimatum time. But not unless you mean to live up to your threat. It is her or me, buck snort. Pick me or hit the road.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

OMG girl. I would like to give your husband a swift kick where the sun don't shine. 

I can't understand his attitude. He doesn't want you to give up on him & wants the marriage to work - but look at his actions. How does he feel about the fact that in a few short weeks your child will be here? What on earth is he thinking? 

So sorry you are going thru this.


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