# Custody Arrangements?



## wherenext (Sep 14, 2010)

Hi all, 

My husband and I are getting divorced. we have a 15 month old daughter, and we are having a tough time coming up with a parenting plan we can both agree to. we havent talked about it a ton but I wanted to see what some of you did regarding custody. Im just looking for examples of what works. 

also, the other question I have is, what do you do if one or both parents want to move out of the city/state? Or are we both just stuck here in this same city for the rest of our lives? I certainly dont plan on taking her away from him but I think at some point one of us will want to move.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Parenting plan can be whatever you want it to be - presuming the two of you can work together.
My advice would be to base the plan on what best serves your daughter - not what serves as personal preference or spite on behalf of you and your spouse.

My reality was I would love to have my kids much more than I do, but every other weekend was the only practical option. I travel for work, that pretty much dictates my availability.

As for moving, your divorce agreement should contain language about it. You should talk to an attorney. You can guarantee that it's going to be contentious if moving is on the heels of the divorce when emotions are still raw.


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Good questions. . .no clear cut answers.

Every divorce is different.

We are going to "blows" on our parenting plan tommorrow in a preliminary matrimonial panel hearing. The way I understand it, this is an informal, non-binding recommendation to the judge, who considers the ruling of 3 attorneys who serve on the panel.

Anyway. . .some answers to your question. . .

A. IT depends on every state.
B. As far as moving, there are going to be some rules on that with the custodial parent (usually you - or sometimes called the primary parent). You just can't pick up and move disrupt your child's relationship with the father just because you may like sunny Florida over Dismal Idaho. There has to be a compelling reason - a significant job upgrade/promotion, an illness, being near to family. Something a judge will buy.

Now. . . for the non-custodial parent, the rules actually may be more lax. I know they have talked about reforming that though.

But at 15 months, you may want to figure on hunkering down where you are at for awhile.

There may be even rules for in-state moving as my attorney informed me in my state of NJ, there are. 

I know of one woman who moved purposely to the corner of the state to frustrate her child's relationship with her father. So there are laws to prevent that from happening that a parent can maybe take advantage of.

If you are the one contemplating moving, as the mother, you may want to cede "primary parent" status to your husband. Just a thought.

C. You need to talk about it. If it's one aspect of the disputes the states hate to settle, they hate to have to rule on, it's the parenting plan. So much hangs in the balance with that, that they hate to have to order a plan, but. . .the trend is (and it's only a trend, not an absolute) is to grant nearly 50/50 time with each parent.

D. WIth us, this is what I am fighting for. Mind you, she wanted to do this an adversarial way. I went into the last mediation and told her she could have anythign she wanted - 1 overnight/month, no overnights, 3 overnights/week, whatever. She said, "I don't care. . .I just want a schedule." I then proceeded to offer many different plans and she shot down every single one.

So, she is off on the weekends. I am off on Tues/Thurs. 

So, I am proposing:

Mon Nite thru Thurs. A.m. 1 week
Mon Nite thru Fri A.M. 2nd week

This keeps our youngest out of daycare 1-2 days/week.

She gets them for long weekends as she works M-F 9-5. I work a lot of weekends (maybe 80% of them)

Now, this would seem like a no-brainor to the average person but I think she won't agree to this because it works for me (that's the main reason) and she wants to have every other weekend off to be with the boyfriend.

So. . .plan your plan without any other significant others in mind. Just throw those thoughts out if you or him have any.

From what I understand, the courts don't give a flying hat about girlfriends and boyfriends and what they want.

It simply isn't your kids problem or your ex's problem.

E. If you both agree, the courts will certify anything. That is, if you both want to move out of the state, that's fine. Try to negotiate and compromise on a plan.

F. As far as 15 months old, the literature I read would favor a "nesting approach" for the child. That is, little toddlers really like to have 1 home and having your husband come in and parent him in your home, if you could work that, would benefit her.

Then, as they grow up, overnights become better as there is not a separation anxiety. That would mean more child support up front for him, but it would reduce as she got older. It also means he doesn't even have to go out and get a "home" for her right away, as she would have a home.

He could live like Oscar and Felix, just get an efficiency apt., a 1 bdr., whatever.

But maybe he wants to create a home for her.

Ironically, I would have gone for this but I have actually had my toddler at my parent's vacation trailer every week now. When I brought him a month ago, he said, "Hooooommme."

So, I could be wrong on this - for some reason, he's seeing this 2 overnight/week place as indeed a home. The older 2 boys certainly don't.

Good luck. 

You may want to try a paid mediator (usually at atty at $300/hour) to go for 2-3 hours of mediation on this. We did that and it failed. The problem was, again, the mediator was excellent at coming up with opinions on 

1. Alimony
2. Child support
3. Property division

but when it came to the parenting plan, for $350/hour, he just said, "You have to work it out."

I ended up giving in to something I wasn't comfortable with (I had a habit of feeling sorry for her) and thus, about $1800 of mediation was misspent.

If I had to do it over again, I would try "collaborative divorce."

It's like mediation, with a twist - you have representation there with the mediator.

All parties go in for a day (yes, it's an expensive day but not nearly as expensive as the courts) to a room. There are 2 attorneys, 1 mediator, and the two parents and they "collaborate" on what would be a good outcome for the divorce. You collaborate so both parties are content with parenting, no one parent is left screwed with property or alimony, and you agree to a setttlment at the end of the day (or week).

All I know is the parenting plan can be a deal breaker. . .usually the other stuff can be worked out so do your best to work this out.

Good luck.


----------



## wherenext (Sep 14, 2010)

thanks for the detailed responses! I have a lot to think about regarding this. I am not thinking of ceding as custodial parent, no way. I am willing for 50/50 but i also think she should have a permanent HOME as compared to switching homes every week. 

and i am not really considering moving, at least not right now, but i certainly can't see us both staying here forever. neither of us have anything here except our jobs, house, and each other. we moved here originally for his job.


----------



## separatedmomof3 (Oct 6, 2010)

This entire ordeal is driving me crazy!!! My husband moved out the end of August and this is the first time he is taking all three kids at one time. He has seen them almost daily since he left and had the older two come and stay with him several times but never the three together. Anyway he told me over the weekend he wanted a set schedule so we decided that this week we would just start with Wednesday and Thursday night. I believe we will be good to go for Wednesday but he has already asked me to pick up the youngest on Thursday since he has a meeting. Is this normal or if it is his night shouldn't he be the one picking them up? :scratchhead: I don't mind because then I get to see them but I thought if it was his night he would do school pick up, dinner, bath bed time etc. 

He is proposing three nights a week with him one week and then the next four nights a week with him. I told him with our kids busy schedule and his crazy work schedule it would probably be better to do 7 days with him and then 7 with me that way we would just switch and everyone would know every other week where they are supposed to go. He does not want to go for this???

What is the most common agreement if there is one??


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Separated,

No, he has to come to terms with the fact that when he has the kids, it's on him. Not that you can't be a back-up in the event of an emergency or something.

But a meeting isn't an emergency.

If he wants 3 days one week and 4 days the next week, that's fine. (maybe even preferable in the courts eyes, as they welcome father involvement)

But he's custodian, not you, on those days. He needs that explained to him in full - it means if they're sick, it's on him. That means if it's a early out day on school, it's on him. Yes, he does baths, homework, cooking, cleaning , laundry, etc or a doctor's visit. If he can't or won't handle it, then you make other alternative arrangements where he does 1 day/week or whatever.

Because the problem is, he'll be getting child support credit and you'll need to work (probably) to make that up. . .so when you are working, you are working. When you are child caring, you are child caring. He can't expect you to do both.

This is why I feel my proposed schedule is optimal - I am off during the week and she's off on the weekends. But I would help her out Monday and Fridays too if she would get a team approach to this. (and take a weekend fairly often)

Anyway to answer your question, there is no "most common" agreement, but there are "boilerplate agreements".

A boiler plate agreement is this:

Every other weekend - father.
Every Wed night overnight - father 
All kids this means.
Rotating holidays
2 weeks vacation per year, 30 days in advance notice of where and when, esp. if going out of state.

That's boilerplate and what they recommend when both work 9-5 M-F.

I'll admit I did the older two too at the beginning (but I did have 2 overnights every week with the toddler also) on seperate days. I kind of wanted 1 on 1 time with them as I was being denied that due to the separation (and would have given her 1 on 1 time too).

She and her attorney argued it was wrong to "break the siblings up" when I visited. I was trying to be equal about it but I'll admit here at the end of my divorce, I think it is simpler to just take the kids in a "package deal."

Then we can work outside the parenting plan (I am hoping to take them 1 on 1 for mini-vacations during my off time but I am not counting on it).


----------



## colour-me-confused (Sep 15, 2010)

My ex gets our son every second weekend and for 3 hours two evenings a week. That was what he said he wanted and I was perfectly okay with that ... well, as okay as one can be. I spent the first three hour visit nervous and unhappy ... and the first overnight visit! I cried for hours and spent the whole 24 hours in a heart broken daze (our son was only 7 months and I'd never been away from him). But it's getting better  Anyway, we also have a standing agreement to allow access for special events (like family functions). We haven't worked out a holiday schedule yet ... I'm terrified of that. I hate the idea of not having my baby on Christmas or his birthday EVER ... 

My ex has missed so many of his visits with our son now though that I'm on the verge of taking him to court to amend the custody agreement. Right now my son does not understand when I say "Daddy is coming today" ... but soon he will. I want to get along with my ex but I cannot allow him to hurt my son by not coming when he is supposed too. Half the time there is no reason for him not to come ... hell, he didn't even bother to tell me he wouldn't be around for his visits on a few occasions. I'm not sure what to do anymore....


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Well, I am divorced today. Surprise settlement today.

The final arrangement was this:

*Week 1*
Monday night 6:30
Wed. morning Busstop/Daycare

*Week 2*
Monday night 6:30
Thurs. morning Busstop/Daycare

Every 8th weekend Friday night 6:30 to Sunday night 7 p.m.

(which does make it weird to come back on monday night)

Rotating holidays (actually, x-mas eve was more big in my house so she'll probably have x-mas day and I'll have x-mas eve)


----------



## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

wherenext - divorce/seperation is not easy - emotionally, financially & makes things much more complicated when a child is involved. 
As much as your husband & you may not be able to continue to be partners in marriage - you will be parents of your daughter forever. And it is important to put her best interest first in the decisions you make & hope you can come to an agreement that works for everyone. Due to her age, I would imagine it would be easier for you to care for her more & have her spend more time with you but being flexible and allowing her father to be involved her in life is important. Whatever agreement you come up with in writing can be altered if you both agree & hopefully won't have to go through the court system to have any official changes. 
Especially if neither you or your husband have family in the area, you will need to rely on each other to assist with your daughter. 
Good luck as you negotiate a time sharing schedule & maybe you can try a few different options for a month & see what works best for all. 

scanner guard - you seem quite educated on the whole divorce/mediation procedings - will send you a seperate message to get your thoughts on my situation.


----------



## wherenext (Sep 14, 2010)

Thank you for all the advice. Its really hard to find stuff online pertaining to custody arrangements, so its nice to have a group like this to talk to. I have a consultation with a lawyer this week and H has agreed that mediation would be the best course (he wanted to just go to legalzoom.com!!!!), so we're both looking for one and we'll decide which is better. We are REALLY tight on money so we're hoping to find something we can afford. 

I am totally willing to work anything out but Im so worried that we are going to be stuck in this stupid city for the rest of our lives and I dont want that!!! Has anyone had language in their decree that mentioned how far you're allowed to move away? Is something like "within a 5 hour drive" unrealistic to have in there? cuz thats what Im thinking that I want to add, just to have some flexibility in where i can live/find a job, be with family, etc.


----------

