# Need some serious advice



## Doverrover2 (Feb 1, 2012)

So over the past 2 days I have been non-stop fighting with my wife. I found out she had kissed another man and started a relationship with him. This has been an on going thing for 2 weeks, she has barely known him more than a few months and -SEEMS- apologetic. She tells me that she will do anything to keep me and that she wants to be with me. She has done more then just kiss in my mind, which I soon found out earlier today because everything she initially told me was a lie to make everything seem less than it was.

She has gone as far as *clothes on* feely touchy making out humping kinda stuff and has kissed him "passionately" 3 times. She says she was already planning on cutting it off which I dont believe, and has even told this guy quite a few times they she loved him and wanted to have sex. I really dont know what to do, granted our relationship hasnt been the best for the past year, we have had a falling out and it wasnt the best world to be in but it was nothing close to a bad life. She did alot of these things while I was home and lied to me about going somewhere else. I have seen almost every text etc. I dont know if I can ever trust her again, any advice?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Dover,

Your going to get lots of advise here. Fom some very smart people. Let me warn you before you read it....

It's goin to sound very very counter intuitive to you. It will seem like the opposite of what you need to do.

Keep this in mind when you read the advise. Because its exactly what you need to do. Either to reconcile with your wife, or to move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Btw.....

People don't post on Craigslist for dry humping action. What you are getting is trickle truth from your wife to minimize her guilt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Where is she at, with her lover---have you demanded, a NC, letter, or E-Mail be sent

Have you set in boundaries, what is she willing to do, to stay in the mge.

The 2 of you may have been involved in a turbulent mge., and you each need to take half the responsibility, for not working on straightening things out---but she has no right to run to another man, she is completely responsible for her straying.

What do you wanna do about all of this----whatever happens, it is about you---this has to be your ballgame, played by your rules.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Who was this guy? Friend, coworker, stranger?

How did you find out?

Any reason you think that she did not have sex?(Other than her saying so).


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

*SIGH*

Here we go again.Another husband cheated on
That gets half truth´s that changes every time.
And still are confused. I think the did more?

Im sure you two had problem´s over the last year.

But that is both of you´s problem.Here Cheating 1000%
her fault..

First get a key logger,so you can start getting to her mail..
Yeas i know i Know.You feel bad for it..But dont..

When it comes to cheating this,trickle truth. Is how dum it may
sound´s but comes with the teratorry..

So be preparied for it.Almost no one gets the full truth out the first time.. PRESS hard on it..And please dont buy ,crocodale tears.
When she "Crying ,Im sorry ,Im hurting,am so a shamed and so on..

Only because, she damn should be..

Tell us little mor of her affair


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## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

Jonesey said:


> *SIGH*
> 
> Here we go again.Another husband cheated on
> That gets half truth´s that changes every time.
> ...


Sounds like ww3 at your house. Nothing she says justifies it. I think you need to calm yourself down because you are driving her further away with the rage. You need acess to her thoughts so you can get some honesty. Some women are needy and you may be married to a needy type. Try to get on speaking terms without blowing up and find out what is wrong with either her or your marriage. Try showing a little compassion here. It may save your marriage and build a greater level of trust. Us men we see things are way and too often don't stop and listen to the needs of our wives. For years I was clueless so OM came along and was happy to take my place. It just sounds to me like there is too much arguing for you to make any headway. You are too bitter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

to start read the newbie link in my signature

in particular understand what trickle truth means and why it is so damaging


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

She's probably only giving you bits and pieces in the hope that you will accept her explanations and drop the matter. There is most likely more-much more-to this little "fling" than she has told you.

The sad fact is, she now has the toxic idea in her head that there is life beyond you, and she has proven to herself that she can easily attract another man.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

It is funny how you read this every time. The cheating spouse always says they were in the process of breaking it off while they continued passionately in their affairs. It is another example of damage control and lies.

If the OM is married or has a girlfriend then it is important to expose it to them. You have caught your wife continuously lying to you about the extent of the affair. The chances are good that she may already have had sex with him. You may wish to think about having her take a polygraph. If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would have been so accepting as you have been?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How did you find out about the affair?
Who si the guy? Do you know him?
Is he married/has a girlfriend?

I find it VERY hard to believe that after only two weeks of speaking to him she told him ILY. Most women don't say this unless there is a past history. 

Right now she has to go no contact with him if she is serious about you. That means blocking his #, emails, FB, showing you everything you ask and promising you to show you anytime he tries to reach out to her again.

Marriage counselling? 

They


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## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

So first it was just kissing and now it was more then that? Trust me on this, She had sex with him and imo she had sex with him numerous times. Do you have kids? If not then get a divorce and save yourself the trouble of trying to save your marriage because if she cared about you in the first place she wouldnt have cheated.


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## Doverrover2 (Feb 1, 2012)

The reasons I do not believe she had sex with him is because I dont believe she is that kind of person to go that far. Honestly I think she is too afraid to actually have sex with another person, however I dearly hope she is telling the truth because she knows what will happen if she is not. It is deffinatly world war 3 in my house right now and I will admit I am extremely bitter.

As far as how I found out she ****ed up and we got in a argument because she went over his house and I dont like the guy, the next morning I didnt trust anything she said and I checked her deleted text/call logs which I will be willing to share with anyone how to get them out of an iphone. *everything* is accessible quite easily. 

She claims she will do anything to stay together and has cut compete contact with this individual (she had her friend tell her to stop talking to her and hasnt spoken to him since the argument), and I have full access to everything she has and she has even given up her phone when shes not at work (her phone is a work phone). I also check her deleted texts/calls so she cannot lie to me and knows it which is why I dont believe she is lying. Unfortunately for her I am smarter than she is. 


I agree with the last comment, we do not have children but for some reason I do still care about her. I guess I am just in hopes that this is not the person she is? Or I am in denial, I know I am still in denial of what happened.

@ Jellybeans, she has known him for a few months in terms of friends which is believable due to what they texted. He is married and in the middle of a divorce, go figure trying to replace his childrens mommy. and I barely know the guy but I do know who he is and where he lives.


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## Doverrover2 (Feb 1, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> How did you find out about the affair?
> Who si the guy? Do you know him?
> Is he married/has a girlfriend?
> 
> ...


opps forgot to quote but this is what I responded to


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You believe she's not the type of person who would go that far? I bet you also at one time never believed she would dry hump another guy.IMO future revelations are going to knock that belief out of the ballpark.TTing at its finest!Sorry for what you're going through,but don't bury your head in the sand about what WS is capable of to minimize her actions.


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## Doverrover2 (Feb 1, 2012)

So I just drove to my wives work and confronted her with the polygraph question and she without a doubt said that she is willing to do it and has told me everything... 

I dont know if I should be excited or terrified...


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Dover---It doesn't matter whether she had sex with this guy, or not

The "Dis" came when she said to herself, screw my Mge. vows, screw my H, who is a POS----I AM GOING OVER TO ANOTHER MAN'S HOUSE, I may be married, I took vows, but so what.

What she did by going over to this other guy's house is enuff in of itself---YOU DO NOT NEED MORE.

You tell me---of all the married women you know, who are NOT cheating---how many of them, go to other men's homes??????


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## Doverrover2 (Feb 1, 2012)

So I guess here is where I am at.. I have found out the "entire" truth as far as probably anyone could. She did pretty much say F our marriage and claims that we where unhappy and somehow she thought I wanted nothing to do with her so she found attention somewhere else and dosnt know how she let herself go that far. She claims he was "relentless" in his pursing her and that she told him to stop but didnt stop him and eventually it lead to the previously mentioned incident.. kissing etc. She and her friend which I dont believe also say that she was already ending the relationship with him and that she made a mistake. She has cut all communication with the individual and he is even moving now because I believe he is scared. I still am unsure what to do and if she is really wanting to be in this marriage or just use me now because she is scared. Any advice is appreciated  I am really angry and upset and I dont know if this will ever go away...


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## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

Why you are still with her is a shock to me. First off, She started an affair and had sex with the guy (numerous times). The only reason she ran back to you is because he wants nothing to do with her now. Not because he is scared but because he is tired of her. Ask yourself this - If he still wanted her, Would she be with me?

The answer - She wouldnt. Divorce her and start over. You will never be able to trust her again and you will always second guess everything she tells you. If she is willing to lie to your face about cheating then what else is she hiding from you? Show her the door and find someone who will actually care about you.


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## Doverrover2 (Feb 1, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Doverrover2 (Feb 1, 2012)

asylumspadez said:


> Why you are still with her is a shock to me. First off, She started an affair and had sex with the guy (numerous times). The only reason she ran back to you is because he wants nothing to do with her now. Not because he is scared but because he is tired of her. Ask yourself this - If he still wanted her, Would she be with me?
> 
> The answer - She wouldnt. Divorce her and start over. You will never be able to trust her again and you will always second guess everything she tells you. If she is willing to lie to your face about cheating then what else is she hiding from you? Show her the door and find someone who will actually care about you.


_Posted via Mobile Device_

Well she never slept with him so it is hard not to believe her and yes I know she didn't for a fact. And he still wants her she broke it off supposedly before I confronted. I know it sounds like I am defending her but I am not. I am just hoping for some advice from someone who's been through something similar and possibly patched things up If thats even possible..


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

OK---so where are things at---what has actually been discussed by the 2 of you---but better yet, what have you decided upon doing---remember this is now your ballgame, by your rules---she gets no say, no discussion----nothing

So what do you wanna set up---throw out what you think, and we will all help you figure it all out


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

> She claims he was "relentless" in his pursing her and that she told him to stop but didnt stop him and eventually it lead to the previously mentioned incident.. kissing etc.


Dover, understand something... "kissing" is cheaterspeak for sex. If they just wanted to kiss they would have gone to the park.

She went to his home, and apparently spent several hours there. They had sex my friend. Quit deluding yourself. 



> She has cut all communication with the individual and he is even moving now because I believe he is scared. I still am unsure what to do and if she is really wanting to be in this marriage or just use me now because she is scared.


At this point you are being way too nice, which is why she has no respect for you. She will continue to prevaricate, stall and use diversion tactics to throw you off her trail. Do not believe anything she says. Believe half of what you see. Check and verify everything.

I suspect she and her beau have merely taken the affair underground. They will now use covert tactics to hide from you.

I think you need to go ahead and lay the hammer down on her. Go see a lawyer and start the divorce process.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Doverrover2 said:


> The reasons I do not believe she had sex with him is because I dont believe she is that kind of person to go that far. Honestly I think she is too afraid to actually have sex with another person, however I dearly hope she is telling the truth because she knows what will happen if she is not. It is deffinatly world war 3 in my house right now and I will admit I am extremely bitter.


Things will improve over time. You have already stated that she seems remorseful. In fact, your extreme bitterness will make her realize that you love her and while her small self will tell her that you hate her, her inner consciousness will tell her you love her and it is her activities that have caused you the hurt and mistrust.

This will heal over time.



Doverrover2 said:


> As far as how I found out she ****ed up and we got in a argument because she went over his house and I dont like the guy, the next morning I didnt trust anything she said and I checked her deleted text/call logs which I will be willing to share with anyone how to get them out of an iphone. *everything* is accessible quite easily.


You can share it on this forum, others will benefit.




Doverrover2 said:


> She claims she will do anything to stay together and has cut compete contact with this individual (she had her friend tell her to stop talking to her and hasnt spoken to him since the argument), and I have full access to everything she has and she has even given up her phone when shes not at work (her phone is a work phone). I also check her deleted texts/calls so she cannot lie to me and knows it which is why I dont believe she is lying. Unfortunately for her I am smarter than she is.


So, you have lesser problems in rebuilding trust and healing. Good.



Doverrover2 said:


> I agree with the last comment, we do not have children but for some reason I do still care about her. I guess I am just in hopes that this is not the person she is? Or I am in denial, I know I am still in denial of what happened.


Doubts will leave once the trust sets in.



Doverrover2 said:


> @ Jellybeans, she has known him for a few months in terms of friends which is believable due to what they texted. He is married and in the middle of a divorce, go figure trying to replace his childrens mommy. and I barely know the guy but I do know who he is and where he lives.


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## Doverrover2 (Feb 1, 2012)

So my wife will be taking a polygraph this week to make sure that she hasnt lied to me anymore, We are trying to talk but it only works really when I stay outside of our house. We continue to argue and creat WW3 in our house without a doubt. However the only thing I dont understand is she told me that she does not know why she did it or how she let herself go that far and is upset with herself about it. I am trying to believe her but if she didnt want to leave me how is this possible? I guess thats my point of view. If we stay together I have told her that I will have complete access of everything she uses phone, email etc. and that there will be no communication between them at all. We also will probably be moving if we make it together, I need to get as far away as I can. Any other advice that you guys can think of that I might need to state now before its too late and it triggers something later? I mean right now almost anything is a trigger but I am hoping that goes away.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Don't be suprised if she:

a) Backs out at the last minute
b) Spills her guts in the polygraph parking lot
or c) fails the polygraph.

If it walks like a duck.....


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Dont trust her words be ready to face the worst when polygraph is done.
If she is lying walk away from her, a cheater is always a cheater.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

*However the only thing I dont understand is she told me that she does not know why she did it or how she let herself go that far and is upset with herself about it.*

What´s confusing?:scratchhead:

*However the only thing I dont understand is she told me that she does not know why she did it or how she let herself go that far and is upset with herself about it.*


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Yeah, I have to agree with everyone else. I HOPE she passes the poly..but, prepare yourself if she fails.

One thing you have to understand. Without concrete evidence from you, a cheater will only tell you the bare minimum a what happened to make it seem not as bad as what it truely is.

You stated you know for a FACT that she didn't have sex with him. How do you know for a FACT?

I hope you also ask the examiner to ask her if she performed oral on this guy. Because, that's sex.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your boundary on contact with her lover, must broaden to NO CONTACT with any men, whatsoever, for anything more than business, or necessities, and that contact is to be succinct, to the point and then done with.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Any update on this Dover? Been about 3 weeks


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