# How bad does it really get?



## ndfrnt (Mar 1, 2010)

My husband and I have been married nearly eleven years. 

It's been a rocky road from day one. We both came from divorced homes and I lost my first husband to suicide. I believe we both felt like we didn't want to end up like our parents; so despite all the fighting and "roomate" like behavior, we have "hung in there."

We own a business together. We have two children. We have a decent house and all the "trappings and debt" that these things bring. 

I feel an overwhelming urge to end the relationship, but just thinking about "unraveling" our business, finances, having to find other employment, etc.....well it just takes my breath away and I end up feeling like I want to put my head under the covers and cry. Or I feel anxious and go into "shut down" mode.

Has anyone experienced anything similiar? Any input or advice would be appreciated.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

It's in your interest for now, to stay in this marriage. You will loose the job, and being with children is not easy to start from the beginning. How are you planning to support yourself, and your children if you move out of this relationship? 
Why are you always fighting for?


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## ndfrnt (Mar 1, 2010)

Why do we fight all the time? That's the million dollar question. Our business is the primary source of conflict. I've been the "money" person for ten years, personal and business. He's been the operation's director. We have very different work "styles," I'm more of the "team builder" while he uses the old - school hard -line management approach. It causes riffs. 
He is also classic passive aggressive. So, when I comment on business, he retaliates by "sticking his head in the sand." He will either not go to work. Or completely ignore me and leave me to deal with work / finances / family, all alone. 
The second (and more important to me) source of conflict is trust. He was unfaithful early in our relationship and has repeatedly "shown signs" of wanting to be unfaithful since then. (ie: online dating sites, etc.) He also began a new business last year without fully divulging the details, and has left me to "clean up" his new business venture's accounting mess.
His temper is becoming increasingly volatile. He says that I "put him down" (which I probably do), but on the other hand, I've gone the "say nothing" route with no results.....so what am I supposed to do? I feel "damed if I do, and damned if I don't."
He broke a couple of doors a few weeks ago, which he hasn't bothered to fix. That's been a BIG source of frustration for me. I will never try to convince anyone that I'm an angel. I can get pissed just like the best of them, but....if I go to far, I always try to make it "right." He on the other hand, has torn things up, and just down right refuses to fix his mess, much less offer any kind of SINCERE apology. Ok, now I'm just rambling. But, that's the gist of it. Honestly, I know it will be a huge ordeal to separate our finances, businesses, etc. But, I'm not sure I can take much more.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

You know what I think. I would prefer better to live with less money, than living as you say in a lot of stress, and unhappy with a selfish person. 
God luck to you!


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## Oceancity (Feb 27, 2010)

ndfrnt--that really sticks. I'm first reaction from your original post was to say "get counceling"--now from your second post--I say you are a strong women and should not have to stay in a fake relationship. You CAN resolve the business and find a way to keep it and also have him out of your "personal" life. Stay STRONG!


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## Confused32 (Dec 18, 2009)

Divorce is a big ordeal. And can get very ugly and take many years. If you are bent on going through with it you are going to need some kind of council. I know in my area theres a few free divorce seminar classes on the weekend to help you with the process and such. With everything you have going on I think a lawyer is probably necessary. My advice is if you really are going to go through a divorce get EVERYTHING taken care of. Ive been divorced for 8 months and am just now finding out my ex husband lied and had me as a dependent for the military still so he's probably been getting paid extra for me. My name is STILL on the car, insurance, loan and hes crashed that car like twice got it towed etc he treats it like crap. I wanted it all done painlessly ASAP and said uncontested take what u want bye get out of my life and now everything is still catching up to me so I would just make sure EVERYTHING is taken care of dont just let things sit because u wanna get out asap

But before all that divorce is awful and I dont advocate it at all. My ex husband is an a*hole to put it nicely and yet the divorce and the guilty of it and the "what-ifs" etc eat at me every single day. and it hasnt gotten better. tried support group but that made me more depressed about it. i kind of just go through waves sometimes im busy and dont think about it as much other times its just a dull ache in the back of my head and other times im just consumed with it like when it happened. if theres any way to make it work thats SO much easier than divorce.

good luck hope i helped at all


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