# I did something very stupid yesterday...



## ffghtr67

Hello...
I read these threads and thought I was almost done. I am not. 

I am about 2 years out, I am a fireman, WAW cheated with a Cop and the next door neighbor. Yesterday, while I was at work, and watching college football (STUPID) was updating my fb page. I decided to remove and delete my blocked people and figured it was ok to look at the OM's and my rebound girlfriends' FB pages. GODDAMN it hurt!! I have never wanted my ex-wife so bad...

I looked through both my wife's OM and my rebound girlfriend and saw how great their lives were and thought about what I was doing when then each posted pictures on their pages. I really don't care if the reader of this understands what I am saying. because I do. GD it hurt. **** this world. I never wanted any of ths.


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## Hoosier

My first thought was to post "yes! That's stupid". Then I thought of the times I would /have driven by my xw and her now husband, the POSOM home to only make me ramp up, really get the emotional roller coaster going, and realized it is part of the process. The process working towards "it does not matter". I would ask myself "that working for you Hoosier?" Resign to never drive by again, eventually I would but it became longer and longer in beyween. At two years I thought I was pretty good. Today at 3 years I know I aCan be very strong, and are AJOT.better than last year.

Remember, all that is posted on FB is what that person want others to see, not the whole story. If you think ANYONE has it all roses, you are mistaken, don't let that bring you down. I don't know your story, but they never get off Scott free.

Reading her FB? How's that helping? Ok, you did it, it's over not again.


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## Holland

Stupid? Yes or no I really am not sure.

Regardless, if you think it was stupid then own it, dust yourself off, get up and get on with your life. Today is a new day, tomorrow is another new day. We all do stupid things but the stupidest thing of all is to live with regret that paralyses you and ruins what should be a wonderful "rest of your life".


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## 3Xnocharm

I agree with Hoosier. Its not really stupid, but totally part of the process, to help you finally move into detachment. I know it sounds counter-intuitive. But sometimes it takes beating yourself over the head with the pain, for some stupid reason. It seems to move you from hurt, to anger, to indifference. 

Just dont make a habit of it, you dont want to abuse yourself.


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## IcePrincess28

Stupid. No. But stop. Treat it (looking her up) like a drug habit. Every day you are away from it- you will grow stronger. First month is the hardest. Yesterday- you relapsed. Start over.


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## Paradise

I remember doing similar things. This summer I decided to drive by my old house. I haven't been there in over 3 years and all of the sudden I felt I just HAD to see it. Yep, not real smart as the wave of emotions came flooding back. Then I retreated back to my home and told myself never again. 

Ya know, we make lots of decisions every day that don't work out for the best. We have learned to cope with those decisions, however. 

Oh, and stop looking at FB!!!!


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## Baseballmom6

Don't beat yourself up about it. Just make the decision to keep them blocked and don't look at their pages. 

I am also two years out and had a trigger yesterday. My Ex-H and his POSGF came to visit his mother (who lives next door to me). I was looking at my computer when I saw them drive up and as I watched them get out of the vehicle I thought to myself "Really, that's what he screwed our 28 year marriage up for?" His POSGF has gained about 60 pounds since they got together and he's looks worse for the wear. I couldn't believe that I didn't fall apart like I have done so many times before when I saw them next door. 

I really thought I was fine until I went to bed some 4 hours later, then the flood gates opened and I cried like a baby. Cried myself to sleep in fact. But... sometime during the night I woke up and said to myself. "It's over, it will never be the same again. Your life as you knew it is gone. Look girl, you can keep letting them control your life or you can control it yourself." "Make the decision now to get over it." Then I feel back asleep.

When my alarm went off at 5:00 a.m. this morning I got up and ran for 30 minutes, then did some weight training. Something I haven't done in almost a year. I usually hit my snooze until 6:00 a.m. but this morning I decided to get my life back on track. I am the only one that can control my life. 

It's hard, I know. Two steps forward and one step back sometimes, but each step forward gets us further along. 

I don't post much but read TAM every day and I can't tell you how much it has helped me these past two years. I honestly believe if I had not found TAM I wouldn't have survived this mess. 

Some days we will just fall down but we have to get up, brush ourselves off, and start again. 

I wish you the best.


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## Pluto2

Very good advice here.
Look, you are human. You can learn from all this is you choose. If FB is a trigger then force yourself to stay away. Some days it will work and some days it won't. Then one day you might think of it and go see their pages and you will be ok- or at least as ok as any of us can be after going through a D, especially with a cheater.


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## SamuraiJack

Its all good at the end of the day. 
So what did you learn?

You leaned that you are still healing and poking at the wound isnt a good idea. So block her and the OM etc and get on with your life. Rest up and get your mind onto other things like football, projects, etc...

Your emotions around this are like woodstove. Once it dies out and cools down it wont matter how much you touch it. Right now...it's pretty darn hot.


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## Mo24

I wish I hadnt gotten cancer. Its gone now i think but the symptoms of 30 lbs of muscle loss and radiation damage to my mouth and ability to consume healthy food are still here, along with fatige and the aching at the end of ever day that has me in bed by 8 instead of out having fun.


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## Chuck71

I am nearing 2 years from DDay. Nothing bothers me anymore and

really never did (FB) except for old pictures. How happy we were,

the 'walking on cloud nine'. I even have a few I still laugh when I

look at them. Like any other female, she would not do #2 if I was

at her place and awake. I was going to work, realized I forgot to 

leave her the camera. Went in...yeah...LOL... priceless picture.

Who she was many years ago...is what I will always remember.

Who she was at the end....was a stranger. Can't miss someone you

never knew.


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## JWTBL

That's good-can't miss someone you never knew. I felt today like starting to tell people I was a widow, rather than divorced, because the person I thought he was is dead and no longer exists. That helps when a trigger comes.


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## whitehawk

luckily l'm not into fb , l just have an account l open only when l wanna look someone up.

But l did the ex too 1 night when l thought l could handle anything , stoopid 
She has a whole new world, old friends , new friends , and all these statements and new sayings and ideals posted all over it.
Things she use to laugh at , she's now preaching , very weird .
Thank God there's no om on there and no divorce celebration .
There is one of her sayings that points to om though , said something like - you know a relationship is real when your not reading about it on someones fb page .
Nice touch .

Anyway , your human . l'm sure if l did fb , even ex woulda checked me out. Best do yourself a favor from here though , take it from me , and stay away from that page bc l don't think it gets any better , Not for me at 2 yrs anyway .


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## Chuck71

WH only reason I use FB is to communicate with friends. I do not have 

a cell phone. Don't want one. I sometimes check and see if she has

gotten married. I hope she would, stop using my last name. All I post

is smack about sports or quotes. G/f on the other hand, lives for FB.

Sometimes it draws conflict with us.


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## EnjoliWoman

To add to the others, accept the pain. It's OK because it makes you human and real and caring and willing to be vulnerable. It makes you wonderful. To close off your feelings would drive you crazy from internalizing or dead from stress of the same. And you would miss out on the wonderful feelings, too. Just like when you get physically hurt you have to breathe through the pain. That's all this is. Breathe through it and it will pass. Like a cramp. Of the heart.

You obviously didn't deserve her - you deserve better. But for now, like any wound, it has to heal before you can attempt again.


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## Hardtohandle

Hoosier said:


> Remember, all that is posted on FB is what that person want others to see, not the whole story. If you think ANYONE has it all roses, you are mistaken, don't let that bring you down. I don't know your story, but they never get off Scott free.


I went through your issue with just my life with my kids.. I looked at all my friends a camping, at the beach.. ETC... 

My kids are home at the computer and Xbox.. I felt we as a family were missing out.. 

But then I realized what Hoosier said.. This is one day in their lives.. 

If you seen my pictures with my current G.F. you would think its a party all the time.. Sadly it isn't.. You can look at my threads I post about my issues with my G.F. which paint a different picture.. 

Being a Cop I feel your pain.. I think its the male macho thing we live that crushes us even more.. My Ex left me for a senior citizen literally..


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## ne9907

ffghtr67 said:


> Hello...
> I read these threads and thought I was almost done. I am not.
> 
> I am about 2 years out, I am a fireman, WAW cheated with a Cop and the next door neighbor. Yesterday, while I was at work, and watching college football (STUPID) was updating my fb page. I decided to remove and delete my blocked people and figured it was ok to look at the OM's and my rebound girlfriends' FB pages. GODDAMN it hurt!! I have never wanted my ex-wife so bad...
> 
> I looked through both my wife's OM and my rebound girlfriend and saw how great their lives were and thought about what I was doing when then each posted pictures on their pages. I really don't care if the reader of this understands what I am saying. because I do. GD it hurt. **** this world. I never wanted any of ths.


If you were to look at MY FB photos, you would think I am a very happy person who is enjoying life to the fullest. I have been skydiving, camping at the beach, to concerts, horseback riding, just enjoying life to the fullest. 
However, I still battle my demos almost every day. I get sad, I miss my POS ex, I am jealous of his current GF, I am obssessed about small things, I am anxious, I am a mess.....

We as humans, have almost an innate desire to show people how wonderful our life is, but we suffer. 
I never wanted to get divorced either, but I am glad I did. I am so fvcking glad i did.
Last night for instance, i was in bed by 7pm, watching the football game. 
Suddenly, i got the urge to go outside and look at the moon. I got up, put on some pants and the realization of being single hit me.... I felt an immense rush of joy! I almost screamed to the empty room: I AM SINGLE! I love this!!!

I can leave anytime I want, I can move to Cambodia or Ethiopia if I want, heck even Mars!!!

I know I will get blues again, but I enjoyed that moment so much! One day, you will feel better 
/hugs


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## Chuck71

on FB...... everyone's happy! All their kids win awards! Everyone is 

in the perfect LTR / M! FB reminds me of Huxley's Brave New World

(great book btw). It's an illusion, a myth. If you read my FB from DDay

to 6 months after D, you would never know I went to heII and back


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## whitehawk

Strange, ex's had the opposite effect on me of what you might think she would want it to have. which l guess would be something like , look at me , l'm fine , l've seen the light, l've got friends , l'm wiser now .
lt's as if she is saying that with all these sayings and philosophies and quotes she plasters all over it.
And there is a VERY obvious latching onto my daughter all over it .

Yeah it hurt like all hell to don't get me wrong but l also literally felt a bit embarrassed for her , sorry for her even.

It just reads like an MLC'ing chick in big block letters all over it .
And all these sayings and quotes all over it literally spell out the story of what she thinks she's going through and the menomorphisis [ l haven't got a hope of spelling that word :rofl: ]


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## stillhoping

Here is my deal with making these kind of decisions. Sometimes I do it, even knowing that there is going to be pain. Its a sort of 'data collection', i check it out. It still hurts, good to know, move on. It hardly matters anymore, even better. The thing I do know, is that FB is a joke as a reflection of anyone's live. Touch the pain once in a while, take some time to think about how you feel and make the next choice. No beating yourself up


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## ffghtr67

Thanks for all the advice, help and responses to this. 

I am going to try to reevaluate where I am at on this recovery from divorce thing. I think I am not as far along as I had hoped at the two year mark. 

As for the Facebook thing, I deactivated my account yesterday and then after thinking about it, I decided to reactivate my account and just block my ex-wife, the OM, the next door neighbor and the rebound girlfriend; basically everyone I could think of that cause me to trigger. I don't want to see, know about or hear about anything in their lives. It is none of my business and doesn't matter to my recovery but I do enjoy staying in touch with other friends and co-workers I care about. Plus I like some of the pictures and videos of dogs, cats and kids, they put me in a good mood. (Dorky but true!)

I am going to try to reinvest in some of the things I started early on after I discovered WAW was cheating (working out, self improvement, diet, stop drinking so much, putting a MAP in place) and I think that will make me feel better. I also think I am going to get back into IC and figure out where I am at mentally. Re-read some books and keep moving. 

I know I am ready to start dating...not get into a super serious relationship...but start dating again. I think that will help. 

I will just keep reading TAM and keep on moving. Thanks again!


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## movealong

I created a new fb account. After I had set up a new account and sent friend requests to all of the people I wanted to keep in my life I immediately blocked my former wife and a couple of people that I knew would trigger me. Then I deactivated my original account. I haven't unblocked her or snooped since the first or second week post split. It took all of one time looking at her fb to realize that she is not worth the pain and anger.

But what really solidified it for me was my 11 year old daughter coming to me at the same time I created my new fb page and telling me "Dad, can you delete my fb?" Yes, she too saw the BS for what it was and wanted nothing to do with it. I deactivated her account and asked her if she wanted a new one. "No, I don't want to see all of that stuff."

Sometimes I marvel at a child's logic and ability to adapt.


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## IcePrincess28

The infinite innate wisdom that children have! She sounds like a very smart young lady


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## firebelly1

I would take a fireman over a cop any day.  Just sayin'.


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## manticore

happy for you man, I know you will do great in the future and as long as you don't block yurself mentally there is a really great woman out there that deserves you, I remember your whole story and you are a great father, man, social figure.

you wrote exactly what you have to do now, leave the past in the past and focus in yourself and in making short and long term objetives to improve yourself and your life.

As an advice maybe I would tell you to stop seeing your neighbor as a POS OM and see him as a man who dated your ex when you were already separated, if you can't maybe is not a bad idea to move out from there, whatver you need to get rid of any negative force in your life


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## texasoutlaw82

Sometimes we touch the stove to see if it's still hot even though it's already been shut off. 

Sometimes a reminder of the pain is what we need to take another step forward. Just don't self destruct.

On FB, everyone has a perfect life. A person only paints a picture that they want shown.

We can not move forward with our head facing the past. Keep marching on brother.


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## DayOne

Just completed going through my FB, removed her and any comments in history, plus all photos.

Not any easy job to have to do, but necessary.

Main reason for 'unfriending' her, which i consider to be a jargon term rather than a statement of our relationship, at least for now, is to prevent her from seeing what i'm up to. Part of my 180. She wants her space, so no peeking into mine.


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## Jellybeans

Block her


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## Lon

People only post stuff to FB that they want others to see. It is a distorted and highly filtered and manipulated preview into their reality.

Your Friends Are Liars--This Video Shows The Reality Behind Facebook Status Updates | Co.Create | creativity + culture + commerce


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## Chuck71

if someone from FB spread a rumor about anthrax starting at 8:00AM,

it would be on the Nightly News. What does that tell you???

I thank God I grew up in the 70s and 80s


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## Cinema79

Let me tell you something from the reverse side of the coin. 

This will come off juvenile...but whatever.

My wife got with a co-worker during our separation. Essentially a branch swing, I'll skip the details. She lost a ton of weight to seduce this guy.

10 months after I we officially divorced, I met a woman far more beautiful than my ex-wife. We became "Facebook official" about a month later. 

About 3 or 4 months after I became Facebook official, I saw a photo of my wife and her new man on Facebook, and she had gained at least 40lbs. 

Coincidence? I'm beginning to think she stalked my new GF, got depressed that she was prettier than her and that I wasn't still pining for her, and it caused her to eat her pain away. 

Such repercussions happen...karma sucks!


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