# Sexless marriage, affair, consideirng divorce



## mr_confused (Oct 14, 2011)

I'll try to be brief.

Married at young age, 14 yr old daughter, fine financially.

We have long struggled with intimacy & sex, jsut never came easy for us.

Many years ago it reached a boiling point. We had discussed it numerous times. One day I had the melt down of all melt downs. I sobbed and cried and told her it had to end, we had to fix it, I couldn't live this way any more. I couldn't love someone and not be emotionally and physically intimate with them. This is not a sex problem exclusively, it is touching, kissing, cuddling, shares inner most secrets/feelings/ambitions - and yes - making passionate love as well as physical sex.

Well I think it scared her, she started to submit to my advances, but the sex was hollow, absent of desire. It was like masturbating with her body instead of my hand. She would never initiate. Eventually I decided I would not initiate to see what happened. We are now coming up on our 5th year of ZERO sex.

I have since become involved in an affair. I met a woman in a similar situation and our physical affair has since evolved into one that is very emotional. We have definitely fallen for one another. She has since divorced and has been seeing only me while single for over a year.

My wife caught wind of it. nothing definitive, but enough to inquire. I considered lying, but I confessed on the physical side of it, not the emotional aspects. I had dreaded the d-day forever, guilt and worry were constant, but I could not stop the affair and be faithful to my loveless marriage. Much to my surprise she said she understood, wanted it to stop, felt we could fix all of our problems. I don't believe her. I think she enjoys our lifestyle (I make a healthy salary) and it fearful of the change. I do not believe she loves me. I know I don't love her that way any more.

It has been nearly 5 months since the affair was discovered. I have not stopped and she has not once inquired about it.

I am almost certain she is not having an affair. I don't think I would care if she was. 

I think my best action is to get through the holidays, communicate my intent to divorce, and move on. If things work out with my OW it would be great. If they don't I will continue to search for someone compatible.

Please let me know any thoughts and what you would do.

I've asked this before, I know many people - especially betrayed spouses, want to rake me over the coals. I don't mind people doing so but only ask that you also offer advice on how to proceed given what is done is done - her actions and mine.

I have seen two therapist......but stopped. The both tell me to leave. I would have left long ago, but I am terrified of hurting my daughter.

Thanks!


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

mr_confused said:


> I'll try to be brief.
> 
> Married at young age, 14 yr old daughter, fine financially.
> 
> ...


I don't blame you. I would understand in this case, but the fact remains. Divorce her. She's been riding the gravy train for too long. 

Sorry - but a sexless marriage is a form of spousal abuse. This should be put up with no less than physical, mental forms of abuse. 

Situations happen. Things that are fixable should be. When a person avoids something that can be fixed, they've lost their right to remain in the marriage. 

Tell her to pack her sh*t and don't let the door hit her in the behind.


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## dancinggirl (Nov 21, 2011)

After 5 years with no sex or emotional connection it seems clear that it's time to move on. I am impressed that you lasted that long in the marriage. You deserve to be happy and it doesn't seem like there is a chance of that in your marriage.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

mr confused- Ordinarily, you do get raked over the coals for cheating. Bad, bad, naughty mr confused.

You definitely should have gone ahead and gotten a divorce before you had the affair. But, actually, you should have gotten a divorce even before that, when your wife had cut you off for a year or so. 

So, any dogging you deserve goes mainly in the "what took you so long?" vein. Consider yourself flogged brutally with a fluffy pillow.

Advice on how to proceed?

File for divorce. The fact that your wife hit you up about the affair, and was understanding rather than so mad she couldn't see straight, is pretty revealing. Add in the fact that she hasn't asked about it in months, nor stepped up to the plate with a plan to increase intimacy in the relationship, and you really can only reach the conclusion that she is in it for the money. Your money.

Now, don't get me wrong, it's okay to be in it for the economics but it is considered good manners to bring something to the table in exchange for having your bills paid. Your wife isn't doing that. You're just a meal ticket to her.

So divorce the woman who doesn't like you enough to have sex with you, and go have a relationship with the one who does. 

You might also give therapy a third try, with the intent of working on how to establish boundaries in a relationship, and communication of your needs and wants.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Friend,

You passed up five years of life and living. Five years you could be having freaky passionate monkey sex with someone that's actually into you. 

I wouldn't have made it passed three or four months without blowing up. 

The affair part is bad. Yes. 

Divorce already. For both you and your wife's sake.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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