# Embracing OW for sake of the children?



## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

Could just as easily be the OM, but the article was written by the OW. 

I had a mixed reaction reading it, but no doubt the BS is a saint. 

The comments - phew! Reminded me of TAM. :grin2:

https://nyti.ms/2i6MWfj


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I don't see the point. At all. Most people I know who are divorced speak to their ex spouse very little and only when absolutely necessary. So, they have no need to be friendly with their ex's partner, former AP or not.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> I don't see the point. At all. Most people I know who are divorced speak to their ex spouse very little and only when absolutely necessary. So, they have no need to be friendly with their ex's partner, former AP or not.


The point the article makes is that was better for the children that everyone get along well. I can't see it carried to this extreme though. One of the comments made the point that what the children will get from this when they are older is that their mother did not show them how to value themselves. I tend to agree.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I see a few problems with this story:

1. It may teach people / girls that they are not allowed to have boundaries and once someone tramples on your boundaries, then the best thing to do is try to create a friendship ...... no matter what the OW is like.

2. Since it doesn't teach that the BW was making a choice, the children in later life maybe come disillusioned. Imagine breaking up a marriage and not understanding why the BS doesn't want to be friends with you. Talk about anti social behavior / expectations.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

In an ideal world it would be great but in these situations its probably never going to happen.

My XW had an affair and i have only ever seen the guy once, we never even exchanged a word and i never intent to either unless they both issue a grovelling sincere apology which will never happen.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

blahfridge said:


> The point the article makes is that was better for the children that everyone get along well. I can't see it carried to this extreme though. One of the comments made the point that what the children will get from this when they are older is that their mother did not show them how to value themselves. I tend to agree.


I just don't think "getting along well" is necessary for the children. I'm just not one of those warm fuzzy people who want to "still be friends" or who say things like "we're still family". For me, divorce means not friends and not family. I'm the "just somebody I used to know" type. When my ex and I divorced we only had contact when necessary for the kids and that was very little. Who he dated and married was his business and I had no contact with most of them.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

MJJEAN said:


> *I just don't think "getting along well" is necessary for the children.* I'm just not one of those warm fuzzy people who want to "still be friends" or who say things like "we're still family". For me, divorce means not friends and not family. I'm the "just somebody I used to know" type. When my ex and I divorced we only had contact when necessary for the kids and that was very little. Who he dated and married was his business and I had no contact with most of them.


I agree. I think making people comfortable with "win some and lose some, and that's ok" is better than trying to instill the myth that if you don't create a friendship with every and any body, then something is wrong with you. That's certainly the idea that my parents tried to instill in me. And it's taken me decades to forgive myself.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> I agree. I think making people comfortable with "win some and lose some, and that's ok" is better than trying to instill the myth that if you don't create a friendship with every and any body, then something is wrong with you. That's certainly the idea that my parents tried to instill in me. And it's taken me decades to forgive myself.


Yeah, me, too. I kept toxic people in my life ling after I should have sent them on their way because of that myth.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you have small children you do need a civil, polite relationship for their sake, but friends? Nope. 
When I met my husband, we still both had a teenager, but there was no need at all for any contact between us and the exes, nor has there been in the many years since. The only time we may see his ex is if their youngest son aged nearly 31 ever gets married. He hasn't got a girlfriend so dont think that will happen any time soon.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Ex and I are friends as are our families and it was for the kids sake at the start but has been the best thing to have done for all of us. It has been a great example for the kids and at least they will never have the anxiety I had as a child, young adult about being able to invite both parents to events.

No cheating here though, if that were the case there would be zero friendship or connection except via a lawyer. I would teach my kids that no one gets to cheat on you and expect to still be in your life.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Did I read that correctly the Mother is having a polite conversation with the OW who is destroying her childrens family? And allowing the OW to come within 100 feet of the children she is harming?

Good luck with the relationship with the OM too, hes a lawyer, what he did to his W he will do to this OW.

Tamat


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## doconiram (Apr 24, 2017)

I did not read the story as being in the best interest of the children. What an awful example to set. 

There is a difference between being civil and this example.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

ChumpLady tore her up recently.

https://www.chumplady.com/2017/11/ubt-optimists-guide-divorce/

And then she made the mistake of commenting, and got torn up some more the next day.

https://www.chumplady.com/2017/11/no-bitter-hopeless-chumps-will-not-come-dinner-party/


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

One should not be so eager to embrace either betrayal or those complicit in it.

What a horrible lesson for the children.

Hopefully they’ll make it to adulthood at least somewhat capable of engaging in meaningful relationships.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*A most powerful story that conjures up God’s holy commandment “to forgive and to forget!”

I can and have gone so far as to forgive both of my cheating XW’s ~ unfortunately, “forgetting,” about it, at least for me, is a whole another world!

The fallible, human aspect of things has also largely scared me away from as much as just meeting and forming relationships with other deserving, loving women because I’ll always seem to foster the thought that if I ever let any of them to get anywhere close to me and trust them implicitly, that they’ll come to cheat on me as well!*


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> ChumpLady tore her up recently.
> 
> https://www.chumplady.com/2017/11/ubt-optimists-guide-divorce/
> 
> ...


I wish they would go back and do follow up stories from all of these navel gazing essays written by our enlightened betters? Like that stupid eat pray love narcissist who soon dumped her husband for her girlfriend. I don't know who is more pathetic her or the people who see people like her as a guidepost.

PS I love you @chumplady


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *A most powerful story that conjures up God’s holy commandment “to forgive and to forget!”
> 
> I can and have gone so far as to forgive both of my cheating XW’s ~ unfortunately, “forgetting,” about it, at least for me, is a whole another world!
> 
> The fallible, human aspect of things has also largely scared me away from as much as just meeting and forming relationships with other deserving, loving women because I’ll always seem to foster the thought that if I ever let any of them to get anywhere close to me and trust them implicitly, that they’ll come to cheat on me as well!*


Forgiveness is vital for our own mental health, but being 'best buddies' with those who acted so badly isn't needed to forgive. We have both forgiven our exes many years ago, but we have no reason to ever see them.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Boy! I hope she wiped her chin after she glugged down that pink and rainbow Unicorn milkshake!

Narcissist, bipolar and sociopathic personality disorder are a winning combination. 

I think Becca might have a very different perspective on this situation and could be seeking a court order to stop the author contacting her or the children ever again.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

When a marriage isn't working, let it go. That's the message I get. However that occurs. If you can do it gracefully, so much the better.

Our own attitude is, that if we happen to meet someone so much more suitable, go for it. It would hurt to break up, but if one of us isn't happy in the marriage, they should move on. That isn't always going to be clean and easy. Ongoing lies and deception aren't acceptable, though. It does seem like the husband met someone and did the right thing in saying he wanted a divorce.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

blahfridge said:


> Could just as easily be the OM, but the article was written by the OW.
> 
> I had a mixed reaction reading it, but no doubt the BS is a saint.
> 
> ...


Somehow the comments have all been removed from the article. 

Perhaps Elizabeth R. Covington who teaches English at Vanderbilt University, didn't like them? >


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

And Elizabeth R. (She thinks she's the Queen?) has commented on the negative reaction she has received https://www.chumplady.com/2017/11/no-bitter-hopeless-chumps-will-not-come-dinner-party/


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Somehow the comments have all been removed from the article.
> 
> Perhaps Elizabeth R. Covington who teaches English at Vanderbilt University, didn't like them? >


I still see 462 comments on the article. Now did she write a follow up somewhere?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> I still see 462 comments on the article. Now did she write a follow up somewhere?


It must have been a glitch, I can see the comments again.


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