# Worried about my wife. Am I paranoid? Insecure?



## jasonmarx (Oct 26, 2011)

My wife and I have been together since high school. she was the homecoming queen, shes as beautiful as the day i saw her first.

I love her dearly. So much so, I've been an overbearing prick over the years. I've questioned what she wears, I've had issues with who she talks to, where she goes, etc etc.

At the same time, shes been a horrible communicator. She never tells me her feelings, what shes thinking, Im left to come to my own conclusions abotu most everything. Shes very independent and tends to not include me with things.

We have 4 children. We are in our mid 30's

She plays volleyball on a coed team every week. Two younger guys on teh team, ive expressed my distaste with that idea since they all go to the bar for "a drink" after some games. She says she only goes when one of the other girls on teh team goes.

We also have trust issues. Ive never been able to trust her. She lies to me a lot. Only once have i caught her texting and emailing a guy and he was innapropriate. I saw all the back and forth and i could tell she was getting attention but she never crossed teh line, except when he asked for her picture via text message to which she sent and he replied "what thats all?" I've had a hard time leeting that incident go over the years. so when she started going to open gym volleyball, i was okay with it, but when she started on this coed team 20 miles away, she was taking showers before games, shaving legs, and started wearign the tight volleyball shorts claiming they were more comfortable. to her credit again, she had a point that shes a mom of 4, she takes like 2 showers a week, so she doesnt want to go into public smelly and hairy. shes a girl... i get it, but it still made me feel weird.

Recently she started a new job a mile up the road at a clothing store. She came home and decided one day she wanted to lose weight. So she shed 30lbs in a month. She decided this tooth that she needed to be fixed also was time. She decided this HAD to happen by november. not sure whym, she said before the holidays so she had motivation to keep it off over the holidays. to her credit, that logic makes sense... i get it.

Well today, since i have trust issues, i decide to look at our cell phone accounts. i see she texted someone 8 times, and sent them a picture message. lo and behold its one of the guys on her vball team. she said she only texted a pic of the truck she was test driving because last vball game they all were talking and he said he has a buddy thats a good car dealer. She said she didnt delete teh convo and i can see it when i get home. we'll see if it gets miraculously deleted. So i go scrolling throw the rest of our records and see she texts this guy A LOT... she says its STRICTLY about volleyball.... and again to her credit, it IS only on the day beofre,, day of, and day after volleyball.

however she always deletes text messages with this guy... because she fears the rath of me flipping out although she says its all 100% vball nothing is out of line or questionable.


Personally i dont know what to think. Im honestly sick of my stomach being in a knot since the age of 16 being with my wife. I love her, but I cant put myself or my kids through seeing me deal with this stuff anymore.

Am I paranoid? Maybe just insecure? If she IS doing all this stuff innocently, am I wrong?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

This is a repeat of your first thread and you never replied to the first one.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ng-looking-am-i-just-paranoid.html#post462838


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Tell her you are uncomfortable deleting texts from other guys. Promise not to freak out but you are concerned about the male contacts she has. She will object and accuse you of snooping that will tell you that she is having the EA. Imagine the reverse she wants to see your texts "Would you care?". All the other stuff RED FLAGS GALORE.

You need to take action if you want to save you marriage!

You have a right to push this issue if you are uncomfortable, if your wife is up to something you'll find out by her reaction. Shes probably having a mini EA. She is obviously having an EXPERIENCE with this guy she finds attractive (Otherwise she wouldn't be texting or doing the EXPERIENCE) For women experiences lead to wanting sex with the guy. You obviously don't provide enough EXPERIENCE for her to stay with you. You better hope she has really unimpeachable morals. I see a PA very soon.

Usually if you feel a hunch..go with your instincts. Shes probably thinking about getting some needs met elsewhere. How is your sexual relationship with her?

She probably got tired of your controlling nature... that would be a total downer.
But if she is going outside your marriage you have a right to know and protect YOUR family from moms new boyfriend. I'd be very concerned... this is not normal behavior of a fulfilled wife.

You are in a tough situation based on YOUR past behaviors. You have too realize it's YOU and YOU are the reason she is unfulfilled in her marriage and seeking comfort elsewhere AWAY from YOU.

YOU need to become a better man for HER...if you want any chance. You've been dealt out of her deck for a while.
Shock and awe needed with a commitment to be a better man for her. You've lost your wife. You caused this and shes at fault too. You guys need to figure your marriage out and fast. YOu need to look in the mirror and change to have any chance.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

jasonmarx said:


> My wife and I have been together since high school. she was the homecoming queen, shes as beautiful as the day i saw her first.
> 
> I love her dearly. *So much so, I've been an overbearing prick over the years. I've questioned what she wears, I've had issues with who she talks to, where she goes, etc etc.*
> 
> ...


If your stomach has been in a knot to the point where you've had to spend the last 15+ years constantly checking up, interrogating, snooping and stressing.... I have to assume a pretty high probability that the problem has to do with your insecurities. Especially if you haven't caught her doing anything in that time and in fact saw her shut down people who were trying to start something.

That being said, given my temperament....I'd probably get to a point where I'd start to feel that if I was going to do the time, I might as well do the crime--especially if there were someone around who I didn't have to "fear the wrath of them flipping out". I don't know your wife, maybe she's more patient, or beat down than I am, but I wouldn't be too surprised if I found myself there, if I were in her shoes.


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