# Wife feels emtionally disconnected from me. Does not see me in her future.



## PokGai

Before I start I must confess that the whole thing was my fault. I have wronged and emotionally hurted my wife.

We are married for 8 years with two young boys. At the beginning of our marriage I spent much time on my hobbies and completely took my wife and our marriage for granted. My wife would often complain about my lack of attention for her, but eventually she gave in and tried to fit into my life by unwillingly participating in my hobbies. I thought all was good. (Boy, was I wrong)

After the birth of our first son, I promised to be more dedicated to our family. Long story short, I failed and she was disappointed.

After the birth of our second son, I promised once again to be a model husband and father. Long story short, I failed and she was disappointed, again.

My wife grew grumpier and grumpier at my failure to be a good husband and father. Fast forward a few years to now. One day she just broke down and told me that she can no longer connect with me emotionally. She no longer desires me physically nor emotionally.

My wife said before she had hope for our marriage, hoping that one day I would straighten up and be a good husband and father. That hope died and now not only does she no longer hope for anything she has no desire to hope for anything out of me. She sees no future with me. 

My wife does not want counseling as she sees no hope.

She said she does not hate me nor does she find me annoying. She simply feels nothing toward me. She said she will stay with me for as long as she can and do her best to avoid a divorce that could traumatize our boys. We will be living as roommates with me sleeping in a different room. We will continue to raise our boys together. Until when, I don't know.

What really confuses me is that she is fine staying with me. She still jokes and smiles and willingly participates in our daily family events. I can almost feel that she actually really enjoys doing all that and not faking it. She just has no feelings for me.

We are also in a financial bind right now. For all the years we are married, I was the one who worked while she stayed at home to watch our boys. She is offering to find a job to help repay our loans and mortgage.

I am really confused. How could she be willing to do so much with this family and include me in it, but at the same time still has no feelings toward me.

At one point, I felt so bad driving her into such emotional turmoil that I told her I would be fine if we go our separate ways so that she can find someone who she can fall in love with again. But she told me that she doubt she could find anyone she could fall in love with anytime soon and does not want to attempt something like that right now.

She is very concern about our boys and has heavy doubt that she cohld find anyone who could replace me as their father. She said she has no doubt that she can find someone who can love her, but she seriously doubt that the same person can love our boys the same way as me.

I know I deserve every bit of this. I was a horrible husband who took his wife for granted. However, I want to do what is right now. I want my wife back. I want our marriage back. I want to be the man she once loved.

Please tell me I am not too late.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm

Sorry to say, but you are too late. You have already broken promises at least twice, so why should she believe you now? There must have been a reason that you didn't step up when you should have, so what makes you think that you will follow through this time and maintain what you need to? If you really cherished her, you would have been present all those times you said you would be. Take the high road and let her go, you can have an amicable split, and both maintain some dignity as you end it. That is the best scenario for your kids, that you both work together to make things as easy as possible for them. 

Been where she is, got the t-shirt.


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## hotshotdot

The fact that she has no feelings for you, including pain & anger, means it's too late. Since you get along well & aren't fighting there is a possibility of growing something new, but it would take a very long time (years) of you doing everything possible to show her a different man than the one who hurt her before she may open up again. Sorry.


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## Marc878

Her way of letting you know what's coming. Especially if she goes to work. Some one will give her what you didn't.

Is it too late? Maybe maybe not. If I were you and wanted to try and save this you'll have to change your life to include her. Better read up and take care of her needs for a change before your replacement does.

Women need/want attention and affection. Take her on dates once a week. Pay attention to her. Listen!!!!!

All you can do is try or else she'll end up with another man and you won't stand a chance then.

Don't do the crying and begging. That's not what's needed here.


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## CatJayBird

WOW! I can totally commiserate with your W. She can do family things and seem to really be enjoying herself because she is! It's just like doing things with other family members she loves to do things with. She doesn't really want to break up the family, but deep in her heart she know she deserves better than not being your priority. She doesn't want to hurt you because she knows what it feels like to be hurt and she probably still cares for you as a person and father of her children. But I would guess that's probably where the feelings end. 

My advice for you if you want to try and to have her "love" you again is find out what her love language is (read the 5 love languages) and DO IT! Do stuff that makes her feel loved by you! Do these things EVERYDAY! Not just here and there. Do it without expecting anything back. Do things and then let her enjoy it and let it sink in. Don't do something for her and then sit there with a huge grin on your face looking for validation for what you've just done. Don't hoover and be clingy or needy. 

Good luck! I wish you well!!

Side note: I'm interested in seeing other responses on this. When I posted the wife's perspective, I got some of "Oh you're a WAW (which I didn't even know what that meant), you need to work on things so you can love your H again". I also got some very sound advice...which I'm still struggling with. You seem to have already gotten "BOOM! It's over!" lol....


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## just got it 55

Pokguy I was in the same position as you EXCEPT

I made the changes in myself before I got the ILYBNILWY speech 

I knew in my gut I could get that any day.

I never said a word Cause it would only be words

It took 18 months of work and introspection to see change in the way she interacted with me.

Years and years ago I was the biggest POS on the planet.

I worked solely on emotional needs I worked for 2 straight years on our home

I never made promises I in fact never said a word.

I only acted in the best interest of our marriage and family.

I became the man she would eventually leave me for.

So my advice is ACT.

As long as you are under the same roof you have a chance.

55


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## Thound

No its not too late, but you have long row to hoe. First let me state Im not the best Christian. That being said if you seek God and let him in your heart thru his Son Jesus, he can fix this, and give you and your wife a life of incredible possibilities. Now I have to emphasize God is not a genie it takes real faith. People these days will call me a kook and thats fine, but God healed my marriage. Start by giving your wife space. Dont ask about her fwelings, dont follow her like puppy. Be there for your kids and show them lots of love. Be a strong leader. Make good decesions that benefit all of the family. Dont make decisioms out of emotions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PokGai

Thank you everyone for your help! 

I will do my best to fix this marriage, even if it is too late. I owed it to my wife to at least try. 

One question, I read a few posts and the '5 Love Languages' showed up often in different posts. Is this a specific post? A book? Or something else? I know I can easily Google it for a long list of results, but I wanna make sure I am reading the right thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CatJayBird

It's a book. You can also go to the website and do the quiz for free.

Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships? One Language at a Time.


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## PokGai

Got it. Thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostinthought61

the opposite of Love is not hate but apathy...which is clearly where she is....my only suggestion is that you become the best man you can be, not for her but for you and more importantly your boys, show them what a father and a husband should be, it may be too late for her, but some day you might find someone else, and your learning the lessons now. Here is an important thing....don't forget to make her laugh, and be open to laugh at yourself. good luck


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## Tron

Before LongWalk arrives, I'd like to point you to a good thread to read: 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/85369-she-said-w-man-i-dont-love.html

It took a long time. You seem to have a decent handle on what you've done wrong and it may not be too late if you two are still living together.

You are going to have to leave the selfishness at the door and get busy fixing your side of the street. 

Keep in mind, whether you succeed in getting her back or not this will be good for you in the long run.


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## Happilymarried25

She jokes and smiles and willingly participates in your daily family events because she loves being with her children and seeing them happy and interacting with you and her. That's why she is staying. If you didn't have children she would be gone. I wouldn't give up though, as long as she is still in the house. You know what you did wrong and that's a good start. Be a good husband and Dad. Even if her feeling for you never return you can still live together as a happy family.


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## Yeswecan

Do not give up. I was very very very close to the same sinking vessel as you. W kept telling me. She kept trying. Thrown out the D word a few times. I had my head up my azz. I finally realized what she wanted (20 years waiting on me...talk about hanging on for a change!!!) I made those changes. Marriage did a 180 and took off like a rocket. Wish I had done this years ago. 

So, what to do? Start to be that husband she wants. AND DON"T STOP. Actions will speak louder than words. It will be tough but we learn how to make things work. Can be small stuff like a note on her steering wheel thanking her for something she did for you. Let her know you appreciate all she does. Put a vase of flowers by her bed without telling her. Just do it. Things like that will let your W know change can happen for the better.

Realize a long time ago you dated. It was just mutual interest. You then became someone she could love. That lovable person is still there. Just need to show it to your W so she can say that you are that one she can love.


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## SurpriseMyself

A woman mourns the death of her marriage while she is still in it. She will hang on for a long time until she's finally done emotionally. When she crosses that line, you are in the friend zone. She doesn't do it on purpose, but her heart closes to you.

Now, do be a great dad and helper, but don't make the mistake of assuming what she needs in order to feel for you again. You need to know so you don't become frustrated. You could do dishes and play ball with the kids and much more, but that may not make a bit of difference in how she feels.

And be ok that things don't change, not outwardly, for a long time. If they ever do.

She has accepted the death of her marriage. Keep that in mind. She went through hurt, anger, denial, bargaining, and finally has reached acceptance. You trying now could provoke anger in her. Be smart in how you approach this. No pushing, no demands for acknowledgement in the changes you are making. No expectations. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PokGai

:iagree:

I owed my wife too much to even think about getting anything in return anymore. All those years she spent compromising just to make me happy, and I took everything for granted. I am a total ass. When I'm alone and I thought about it, I would burst into tears and beat myself over it. How could I be so blinded and stupid. She definitely deserves someone better than me.

My only hope now is to make it up to her as much as I could before she leaves me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Another book you need to read is His Needs Her Needs; it's got a little more detail than 5LL about how to (possibly) get her interested in you again. Bottom line, the longer you can keep her in the house, the more chance you have of getting her to remember why she once loved you. When you read HNHN, make careful note of the Love Busters section; it's those Love Busters that made her stop loving you. You HAVE to make sure they are completely gone, out of your home.


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## PokGai

A little update on my situation. We spoke again concerning our living situation. I am definitely in the friend zone and am now sleeping in another room. She hinted on us seeing other people in the future. When? I don't know. 

This certainly does not look good for me. But she definitely seems happier. Less grumpy and less prone to lose her temper on the boys. She seems...uncaged. 

I will keep trying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878

Good luck to you. 

You'd be better to divorce than watch her going out with other men. If that happens time to move on don't sit around and die of a thousand cuts.

At that point you will just be her plan B. Either work on the marriage or end it and move on.

Don't be surprised if this isn't already happening and maybe why you are where you are.

Have you looked into things?????? If not you'd be wise to do so.


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## Bibi1031

PokGai said:


> A little update on my situation. We spoke again concerning our living situation. I am definitely in the friend zone and am now sleeping in another room. She hinted on us seeing other people in the future. When? I don't know.
> 
> This certainly does not look good for me. But she definitely seems happier. Less grumpy and less prone to lose her temper on the boys. She seems...uncaged.
> 
> I will keep trying.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


this is suspicious. She may be rewriting history because her feelings gravitated to another person. She may be happier now because you are roomies and she is not cheating with you because she loves another. I'm sorry, but the talk about seeing others in the future stinks of infidelity. I hope I'm wrong.


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## TheTruthHurts

It's ok to set clear boundaries. You can tell her you understand where she is, you regret what you've done but accept that it is in the past and she isn't interested in making the marriage work anymore.

BUT you will not accept an open marriage, lies, deceit of cheating of any kind. It is completely contrary to the idea of staying together for the kids - instead it is teaching then it's ok to cheat and lie, it will be horrible for their future relationships.

I'd tell her you want to be clear on the boundaries because she talked about seeing other people. If she really means that, then divorce first is the ONLY option.

Would be interesting to see her reaction. But these are actually clear boundaries you should clearly set.


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## Heatherknows

PokGai said:


> A little update on my situation. We spoke again concerning our living situation. I am definitely in the friend zone and am now sleeping in another room. She hinted on us seeing other people in the future. When? I don't know.
> 
> This certainly does not look good for me. But she definitely seems happier. Less grumpy and less prone to lose her temper on the boys. She seems...uncaged.
> 
> I will keep trying.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The kindest thing you can do now is to make the divorce easy for your wife and concentrate on being the best dad you can be.


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## lifeistooshort

flipflops said:


> I'm going to respectfully disagree, but I also understand why someone would think it. It's not always the case. This story is so similar to mine and I can tell you that I've said the same things to my husband. I have never cheated, nor do I have any desire to date anyone. I don't love my husband, but I also don't love anyone else. The reason I tell him to go ahead and date if he wants is because I am SO over it. I really don't care if he does. My only request was that he let me know so the kids and I can leave sooner. Money is super tight right now so I can't leave yet and neither can my husband. We've been roommates most of our marriage, with him spending years on a couch and then back in the bed (and not for sex) and now in another room. We have also separated bank accounts, credit cards, etc. I even took my phone off of his account. It's not because I have anything to hide. It's because our marriage is over and divorce is happening.


I disagree as well and have never liked the TAM propensity to label all complaints as re-writing once cheating is even remotely suspected. Even if this one was cheating that doesn't mean her complaints aren't legitimate, it means she chose a crappy way to deal with them. And since OP has openly admitted to being a crappy father and husband I have no idea why re-writing would even be suggested.


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## Bibi1031

lifeistooshort said:


> I disagree as well and have never liked the TAM propensity to label all complaints as re-writing once cheating is even remotely suspected. Even if this one was cheating that doesn't mean her complaints aren't legitimate, it means she chose a crappy way to deal with them. And since OP has openly admitted to being a crappy father and husband I have no idea why re-writing would even be suggested.


Because when you no longer love someone you do what's best for all an that is separation. Living like a happy family is wrong especially for the kids sake. 

Marriage has it's rules and it most certainly is not being roommates.


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## lifeistooshort

Bibi1031 said:


> Because when you no longer love someone you do what's best for all an that is separation. Living like a happy family is wrong especially for the kids sake.
> 
> Marriage has it's rules and it most certainly is not being roommates.


With all due respect that answer has absolutely nothing to do with accusations of rewriting. 

People live like roommates all the time for lots odds reasons. OP apparently wants a wife and family as it suits him, or it wouldn't have taken her walking for him to give a sh!t. This is all about him and if he doesn't like the terms of her sticking around he is free to leave. 

Once again, what does this have to do with rewriting?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PokGai

Another update and probably my last update:

We spoke in length about our future plan and decided to go our separate ways. There is no another man and I believe her. She just wants out and do something new with her life. 

My only consolation is that we separated at good terms. We spoke till 3am and we cuddled and remembered the good old days. We even joked about how if we don't find anyone else to be with by the time we are 60, we will hook up and get back together. 

I can tell the separation is just as painful for her as it is for me. She said she still care about me as a family member and we will always be family. 

Thank you everyone for all your help. This girl is my first girlfriend and my first marriage. I felt like my world is shattered. I woke up this morning and I have no idea what I wanted to do. 

I do know one thing tho, no matter what, I will be there for my boys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bibi1031

That unfortunately is the healthiest route for everyone involved. You will be able to co-parent a lot easier if you break things amicably. Your journey to recovery will take time, but focus on your beautiful kids. Go to IC and become a healthier You. You can learn from your past mistakes and become a better partner for your next relationship.


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## TheTruthHurts

I agree with Bibi1031.

Please consider posting updates from time to time - others in your situation will benefit from seeing how this goes.


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## CatJayBird

I'm sorry to hear of your news. You both seem like very strong people. I can imagine how difficult this must all be. 

Good luck to you and your family!


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## Thound

lifeistooshort said:


> I disagree as well and have never liked the TAM propensity to label all complaints as re-writing once cheating is even remotely suspected. Even if this one was cheating that doesn't mean her complaints aren't legitimate, it means she chose a crappy way to deal with them. And since OP has openly admitted to being a crappy father and husband I have no idea why re-writing would even be suggested.


The OP may not be as bad of a father and husband that he believes he is. I know when I got the ILYBNILWY speech my wife pointed out all of my faults. Now let me tell you, when the love of your life tells you what a horrible person you are, you forget about all the good things you do. It took me a long time to realize I wasn't nearly as bad as she made me feel. We can rewrite history in our brain too. Op how old is your wife?


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## PokGai

Thound said:


> The OP may not be as bad of a father and husband that he believes he is. I know when I got the ILYBNILWY speech my wife pointed out all of my faults. Now let me tell you, when the love of your life tells you what a horrible person you are, you forget about all the good things you do. It took me a long time to realize I wasn't nearly as bad as she made me feel. We can rewrite history in our brain too. Op how old is your wife?


She is 32. I am 34. She was an international student from China when we first met. We dated for a year and decided to get married. We should've dated longer before committing. She has very little friends here and pretty much spent the last 5 years inside the house taking care of the boys with very little social life. I think that was one of the cause that destroyed our marriage. She had no one to vent her pended up frustrations for the 8 years of our marriage.

I will do my best to keep this thread updated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SurpriseMyself

PokGai said:


> Another update and probably my last update:
> 
> We spoke in length about our future plan and decided to go our separate ways. There is no another man and I believe her. She just wants out and do something new with her life.
> 
> My only consolation is that we separated at good terms. We spoke till 3am and we cuddled and remembered the good old days. We even joked about how if we don't find anyone else to be with by the time we are 60, we will hook up and get back together.
> 
> I can tell the separation is just as painful for her as it is for me. She said she still care about me as a family member and we will always be family.
> 
> Thank you everyone for all your help. This girl is my first girlfriend and my first marriage. I felt like my world is shattered. I woke up this morning and I have no idea what I wanted to do.
> 
> I do know one thing tho, no matter what, I will be there for my boys.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I applaud you for recognizing that you both deserve to be happy and are mature enough to not be selfish in wanting her to stay when she is done. If you can remain friends then the likelihood of a smooth transition will be much higher. Good luck on the next phase of your journey.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort

Thound said:


> The OP may not be as bad of a father and husband that he believes he is. I know when I got the ILYBNILWY speech my wife pointed out all of my faults. Now let me tell you, when the love of your life tells you what a horrible person you are, you forget about all the good things you do. It took me a long time to realize I wasn't nearly as bad as she made me feel. We can rewrite history in our brain too. Op how old is your wife?


Who decides? OP admits he knew his wife wasn't happy but did nothing about it until she detached. Now he's worried about his life. 

Seems to me that downplaying a spouse's concerns is the reason a lot of people end up in this position. So what now? Shall he simply inform her that he's not as bad as she thinks? How will that work for him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound

lifeistooshort said:


> Who decides? OP admits he knew his wife wasn't happy but did nothing about it until she detached. Now he's worried about his life.
> 
> Seems to me that downplaying a spouse's concerns is the reason a lot of people end up in this position. So what now? Shall he simply inform her that he's not as bad as she thinks? How will that work for him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 All I'm saying is sometimes we believe the very worst about ourselves when someone we love tells us about every perceived fault we have. There was only 1 perfect person in this world, and we nailed Him to a cross.


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## PokGai

Small update:

We spoke some more. Wife said she always feels stressed and controlled when she is around me. I want to be very clear that I am not abusive or violent. I will never raise my hand on my wife or any woman. I rarely yell unless I am extremely frustrated.

Throughout our marriage I suggested many things. I might get upset when she went against my suggestion, but I never force her to do anything. My being upset seemed to have a big effect on her mood.

Over the years, she was so worried that I might get upset the feeling became a sickness. Now she stresses out just being around me and the vicious cycle continued to a point where she can no longer be happy around me.

Even though we have agreed on separation, I still think we should seek professional counselling.

Thoughts anyone?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

She sounds just like me. My H has almost never yelled at me in 35 years. Fewer than 5 times. But he - being a male - intimidates me in SO MANY OTHER WAYS. Even a tightening of his mouth sends me on a spin of worry. I'm sorry, but I completely agree that your wife feels intimidated by you.


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## PokGai

turnera said:


> She sounds just like me. My H has almost never yelled at me in 35 years. Fewer than 5 times. But he - being a male - intimidates me in SO MANY OTHER WAYS. Even a tightening of his mouth sends me on a spin of worry. I'm sorry, but I completely agree that your wife feels intimidated by you.


I never meant to intimidate my wife. In fact, I never straightout command anything throughout our marriage. I always used a suggesting tone. I don't understand. Why should she be intimidated?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

My H never 'commanded' anything, either. He made me miserable - and scared - in many other ways. Like questioning what I ate that day. Or asking what I got done. Or asking 'are you going to wear _that_?' You men have SUCH a blind spot when it comes to how women feel.


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## TheTruthHurts

Serious codependency, that's how. It's her way of controlling you. It's all on her, dude. She is so worried about you having an emotion that she can't "own" that it makes her sick. 

Codependents do all kinds of bizarre things that don't seem to make sense. They don't make sense because they're not independent actions that a normal person would do. Instead they are reactions - reacting to your thoughts, your actions, what you MIGHT be thinking.

It's hard to explain. Say that you do something and she thinks you might be about to get upset. Instead of waiting and letting YOU experience a genuine emotion, she reacts to "protect" you from feeling bad.

This constant worry about what you might think or do is very taxing, next thing you know she's mad at you for all this emotional energy she's expending! And you haven't even done anything!

Get "codependent no more" if this sounds like your situation. If she was raised in a family with substance abuse, this is s common and learned coping mechanism.


Or maybe you're just a big intimidating hulk


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## PokGai

TheTruthHurts said:


> Serious codependency, that's how. It's her way of controlling you. It's all on her, dude. She is so worried about you having an emotion that she can't "own" that it makes her sick.
> 
> Codependents do all kinds of bizarre things that don't seem to make sense. They don't make sense because they're not independent actions that a normal person would do. Instead they are reactions - reacting to your thoughts, your actions, what you MIGHT be thinking.
> 
> It's hard to explain. Say that you do something and she thinks you might be about to get upset. Instead of waiting and letting YOU experience a genuine emotion, she reacts to "protect" you from feeling bad.
> 
> This constant worry about what you might think or do is very taxing, next thing you know she's mad at you for all this emotional energy she's expending! And you haven't even done anything!
> 
> Get "codependent no more" if this sounds like your situation. If she was raised in a family with substance abuse, this is s common and learned coping mechanism.
> 
> 
> Or maybe you're just a big intimidating hulk


Her family is normal. No substance abuse. However, her mother is the very controlling type. Her mother made most of the decisions at her home and still does. My wife has two aunts who are also very controlling and are now both divorced. I thought my wife to be different. Maybe I was wrong. But that's no longer important to me. What is important is that can I help her get pass this emotional hurdle?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine

PokGai said:


> Her family is normal. No substance abuse. However, her mother is the very controlling type. Her mother made most of the decisions at her home and still does. My wife has two aunts who are also very controlling and are now both divorced. I thought my wife to be different. Maybe I was wrong. But that's no longer important to me. What is important is that can I help her get pass this emotional hurdle?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


PG, your wife needs an outlet, she should not be relying on you for 100% of her emotional needs, it just will not work and that is why you are where you are.

She needs to connect with the outside world, join a kids club, join a gym, connect with other mothers in the neighbourhood. Try and encourage her to do these things, at least one thing a week.
Then you should take her on a date once a week and just spend quality time with her without the boys. You can still do this while separated, you need to show her you care about her, love her and want her to be happy but she also needs to find her own happiness.


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## PokGai

aine said:


> PG, your wife needs an outlet, she should not be relying on you for 100% of her emotional needs, it just will not work and that is why you are where you are.
> 
> She needs to connect with the outside world, join a kids club, join a gym, connect with other mothers in the neighbourhood. Try and encourage her to do these things, at least one thing a week.
> Then you should take her on a date once a week and just spend quality time with her without the boys. You can still do this while separated, you need to show her you care about her, love her and want her to be happy but she also needs to find her own happiness.


One thing I never mentioned in my prior posts is that my wife is tomboy-ish. She doesn't mix well with female friends. 80% of her friends back in China are guys. She can't find such friends here. Or maybe she didn't want to because she was afraid I might get jealous. To be honest, I probably will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine

She is now a married mother of two, things change. It is in her best interests to form and develop a network with other females in the community, for sharing, support etc. Every woman know this. You need to encourage her to do this and show her the way, the days of hanging out with the lads is over, she now has a family.


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## Keepin-my-head-up

I completely agree that with whoever said her suggesting seeing other people is suspicious!

Does it mean she is seeing someone else?
He!! No
But to say that isn't suspicious?
You ask your hubby to separate and then throw in the let's see other people?
That is not suspicious?

As a curiosity, what was your hobbies?
Video games? 
Pokemon?
Bottom line though, she has checked out and is not into you.
You don't want to investigate and that is fine because there is a good chance nothing is there (still suspicious though)
So what you do is work on you.
Delete those games or sell those cards.
You will now need to spend all that time focusing on you and your kids!


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## PokGai

OP here. I promised update so here it is.

Turns out that there is another man. I found out by accident and she doesn't know. It is my sons' swimming instructor. Young, handsome, muscular, and charming. I suspect they have been going on for a while. I don't think there was anything physical, but with me out of the picture, its just a matter of time, if it hasn't happened already.

What I didn't mention in my prior posts is that my wife has a history of EAs, one of them almost lead to a PA. 

Funny thing is, on top of a little anger and jealousy, this time I actually feel kinda relieved. I guess I am finally sick of 'guarding' her. What people said was true, once a cheater, always a cheater. 

Now everything she said about me sounded like excuses. I don't feel so bad now. Just relieved. Now I am just worried about my boys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878

Yep, that's what probably drove her to wanting a separation. More time for the OM.

A lot come on here and the first thing is I know she isn't cheating. It's all my fault. Ya da, ya da, ya da. 

You may not be perfect, none of us are but this was your biggest problem.

Justification for her cheating. Always the same senario.

Now you know. I bet if you check your phone bills you can figure out when it's started. Oh and another thing. It's not physical yet. Bwahahahahahaha, oldest lie there is. You're in a state of denial here. Wake up or file for divorce.


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## PokGai

Oh it's divorce for sure. There is no way I am going to further commit myself to someone who is going to run crying into another man's arms everytime there is a bump in our marriage. I should've done this 7 years ago when she had her first EA, but I was young and naive, thinking that she will change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine

PokGai said:


> Oh it's divorce for sure. There is no way I am going to further commit myself to someone who is going to run crying into another man's arms everytime there is a bump in our marriage. I should've done this 7 years ago when she had her first EA, but I was young and naive, thinking that she will change.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Pok Gai, sorry that you are here though and esp for your kids. You seem to be very clear of your next move. Have you spoken to her yet? I hope it all works out for you


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## Lilac23

I didn't even smell a cheater in this one! I could totally see a mother just wanting to keep it together for kids, but it makes sense that she was just buying time to see how things developed with the OM. Exit affair!


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## eric1

Speak to a lawyer and determine how infidelity plays into the divorce. That's about all that's left for you to do.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## jsmart

I thought cheater from his first post on this thread. It's a classic. A BH taking all the blame for problems in marriage. I've lost count of how many BH come here posting the similar things. Believing that their wife and mother of their kids wouldn't cheat. Nice guy husband like OP, always play interference for their wives. Almost accepting responsibility for their wife's cheating.

I don't know why posters trickle the facts. This could have been solved in a week if OP gave us all the details. 

Women that only have guy friends, to me, are a red flag. Too easy to have a FWB. When he mentioned that, I knew it. Turns out a serial cheater. How many of those "EA" were actually PA. When a woman's talking about breaking up a family, she's already banging someone else. Which is why she wanted husband out of bedroom. She didn't want to cheat on her real man. Even though I bet the sex dried up months ago, she didn't even want OP to see the body that now belonged to Mr Swim Instructor.


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## PokGai

OP here, a little update on my end. 

Question, is it okay for me to date during a separation like this? I met this girl and we seems to hit it off fine. She seems interested in me even after I told her everything about my situation. Now she wants to go out for a dinner. A part of me wanna go, but the other part felt guilty. I'm still legally married to my wife and going out with another girl just doesn't feel right to me.

Should I call it off and wait till after the divorce?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostinthought61

well given that she does not believe in the sanctity of marriage, and she will continue to see this guy...then why not, why should you deny your own happiness, you didn't enter this marriage as a martyr why should you leave as one. but i would tell her that you know about the other guy, just so she does not play the victim in this when she finds out about you.


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## 3Xnocharm

PokGai said:


> OP here, a little update on my end.
> 
> Question, is it okay for me to date during a separation like this? I met this girl and we seems to hit it off fine. She seems interested in me even after I told her everything about my situation. Now she wants to go out for a dinner. A part of me wanna go, but the other part felt guilty. I'm still legally married to my wife and going out with another girl just doesn't feel right to me.
> 
> Should I call it off and wait till after the divorce?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Go and enjoy yourself. It doesn't have to mean anything, you might make a new friend if nothing else.


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## tigerlily99

I may be 'old fashioned' but I think it's honorable that your first impression is to wait until the divorce is final. I don't have advice...nor do I think your marriage is salvageable...but in the future you may feel better about yourself if you wait.


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## jsmart

It's usually best to wait, but since your STBX has been in a relationship for a long time, there's no harm in going on dates. But I still advise that you not get serious with anyone until it is officially over.


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## DanielleBennett

She wants to get a job to help pay some bills while she is living there with you and will stay married with you because of the kids, but I think the job is for her to save money so she could eventually go. If she refuses to go to counseling with you to fix the marriage then the only thing you can do really is give her space and try to step it up for your kids and be that model father. If you can't be a good husband then at least try to be a good father. Maybe she will develop feelings again or maybe not, but the kids are the number one priority right now. Also, you two really shouldn't stay married JUST for the kids. They will get the hint and catch on and it will bother them just as much as a divorce will. Seeing you two in separate rooms, bickering, the tension and change in atmosphere, etc.


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## PokGai

OP here with update.

My wife confessed to me about her affair (of all the days she just had to pick Christmas). The affair did became physical, but she said it was after our separation. She is now worried because she had unprotected sex. She is seeing her OBGYN next week. 

What confuses me was that she said she is now confused. She said she felt like she lost everything. She doesn't know what she want in life. Mid life crisis perhaps? I don't know. She is very nice to me now, which only makes me very uncomfortable. 

I'm not sure what to do. I'm just starting to get use to a life without her and now she's telling me all this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky

Let her go. 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## 3Xnocharm

Yes, just let her go. This changes nothing. Her "confusion" is her own problem, make the tough decision for her. Then you can get on with your own life and find yourself some peace and happiness.


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## Marc878

She's smart. Trying to keep her plan B man on the hook. That's why she's so nice. Got it yet?

If you're smart you'll proceed with the divorce and not look back.

I'd do full exposure just in case his/her family, friends etc unless you really want to move on but it sounds like you'll get sucked back in.


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## turnera

PokGai said:


> OP here with update.
> 
> My wife confessed to me about her affair (of all the days she just had to pick Christmas). The affair did became physical, but she said it was after our separation. She is now worried because she had unprotected sex. She is seeing her OBGYN next week.
> 
> What confuses me was that she said she is now confused. She said she felt like she lost everything. She doesn't know what she want in life. Mid life crisis perhaps? I don't know. She is very nice to me now, which only makes me very uncomfortable.
> 
> I'm not sure what to do. I'm just starting to get use to a life without her and now she's telling me all this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This actually happens a lot. Women start affairs looking for an emotional connection. The men who pursue them PRETEND to give them an emotional connection, just to get in their pants. So when the woman finally thinks the OM 'lurves' her, she goes ahead and has sex with him, thinking it's the next natural step, she sees he was just out for the sex, and she walks away feeling dirty and disgusting; she thinks she'll have some fairytale romantic feeling and it never occurs. Women transfer their feelings from their husband onto the OM, thinking he'll reciprocate it. But he just wanted sex. So she gets confused.

And yes, some women ARE that dumb.

And you should have done full exposure already ANYWAY. No matter what.


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## Satya

Let her go. You both made mistakes and from what you write it looks like you are both able to part on amicable terms. There's no need to confuse and complicate those terms any more than they have to be by remaining deeply involved in each others lives. You are separated, act like it.

Her relationship went physical after you are separated (at least, that's what she says). Who knows the truth. Does it really matter? Her issues are not for you to solve now. She can seek her own assistance. Maintain contact and agreement about your children, that's the only collective responsibility you two still have to one another.

Many here would recommend you either heal from the loss of your first marriage before dating, or just date casually with the understanding that you're in a very sore spot at the moment, emotionally. The hurt from this can sometimes cause poor judgement, so your best bet is to be HONEST about where you are with ANY women that are showing interest beyond the occasional "getting to know you" dinner & movie, etc.


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## the guy

PokGai said:


> Oh it's divorce for sure. There is no way I am going to further commit myself to someone who is going to run crying into another man's arms everytime there is a bump in our marriage. I should've done this 7 years ago when she had her first EA, but I was young and naive, thinking that she will change.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm guessing she is behaving just like she did 7 years ago.

The only difference is you are a lot less naive and a lot more older.


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## the guy

I'm curious......is she going to the doctor cuz thats what she thinks you want to hear or is there something burning "down there"?

Nothing like catching some crotch rot to ruin an affair....no wonder she wants you back....her Mr. 
Wonderful is un-clean.

Do you think she banged her last boy friend before this one? Well not that one, but the one you know about from 7 years ago? wink wink....

You need to do something to piss this chick off once and for all so she stops bugging you.


Sir you gave this women a second chance 7 yrs ago and she threw it way! Why in the hell would you even consider taking her back again when you dam well know she will phuck you over again in a couple more months/years? But what do I know....she is good... it might be another 7 yrs before she is actually caught again.


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## PokGai

I'm still kinda new to marriage forum, so there are some terms I don't quite understand. What exactly is full exposure? I tried Goggling but couldn't get a clear definition.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

It means if your wife is cheating and you tell her to stop and she refuses, you then immediately call up her 'important people' - people whose respect she craves: parents, siblings, cousins, best friend, pastor, etc. - and tell them that she's cheating on you but you want to save the marriage; you're asking for their help in getting her to understand that she needs to let the OM go. Tell them that the marriage can't survive a third person. That you want to go to therapy to figure out what's wrong with the marriage, and if she gives up the OM and goes to therapy and she still doesn't want to stay married, you'll respect her wishes and let her have a divorce, but that as long as she's 'addicted' to the high of the affair, there's no hope. So all you're asking is for them to inform her that her lover won't be welcome.

Then you sit back and let them contact her if they so choose. Some will support her no matter what. Some will be furious and will let her know it. 

Affairs thrive in secrecy and once exposed to the light of day, many people will decide the affair isn't worth being in the hot seat and will end it.

When women cheat, specifically, the single most effective reaction is swift, unyielding refusal to 'allow' her to ever see her lover again, if she wants to stay married. Of course, you're afraid she'll then say sure, she wants to divorce you. But please trust us that women say a lot of things but don't always mean it. They're emotional. And when faced with reality, they often realize they didn't really want a divorce, they just wanted their fantasy.

So it's up to the man to be strong, swift, and unequivocal - I won't share you.


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## Blondilocks

What is it with women dumping their crap on Christmas Day? Seriously, do they think that by doing that on a holy day they will get even better forgiveness from God? Maybe it's the fact that it is a holy day they are feeling extra guilty. Divorce her and don't look back.


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## PokGai

Understood. Thank you turnera.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya

turnera said:


> So it's up to the man to be strong, swift, and unequivocal - I won't share you.


This is spot on, OP. 

Be the Oak.


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## arbitrator

just got it 55 said:


> Pokguy I was in the same position as you EXCEPT
> 
> I made the changes in myself before I got the ILYBNILWY speech
> 
> I knew in my gut I could get that any day.
> 
> I never said a word Cause it would only be words
> 
> It took 18 months of work and introspection to see change in the way she interacted with me.
> 
> Years and years ago I was the biggest POS on the planet.
> 
> I worked solely on emotional needs I worked for 2 straight years on our home
> 
> I never made promises I in fact never said a word.
> 
> I only acted in the best interest of our marriage and family.
> 
> I became the man she would eventually leave me for.
> 
> So my advice is ACT.
> 
> *As long as you are under the same roof you have a chance.*
> 
> 55


*But if you are ever pushed out by her, your chances have preemptively gone to hell in a hand basket!

Now is the time to fight like hell for her!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

She thinks she might have brought home an std and you are thinking about taking her back. That's dumb. This isn't her first time. That makes it dumber.

Her boyfriend dumped her. She needs a bill payer. She thinks you are dumb enough to do it.

How long ago did your sex life change for the worse? She was banging him then.


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## Marc878

You've gotten some good advice especially on exposure.

Follow it or have deep regrets later.

Advice means nothing if you don't use it.

You are here for a reason. 

You now have the chance to make your life what you want it to be if you're strong enough.


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## 3Xnocharm

arbitrator said:


> *But if you are ever pushed out by her, your chances have preemptively gone to hell in a hand basket!
> 
> Now is the time to fight like hell for her!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She isn't worth fighting for.


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## arbitrator

3Xnocharm said:


> She isn't worth fighting for.


*Greatly provided that she is worth fighting for! Otherwise, it's just a lost cause!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PokGai

I have given much thought of full exposure for the past week. I couldn't bring myself to do it. Mainly because I don't think I am ready for the aftermath of a full exposure and I still feel bad about what has happened so far. I know she cheated, but had I been a better husband that probably wouldn't have happened.

We are still at amicable terms. She invited me back for weekends to spend more time with the kids as a family. We still argued a little whenever we discussed our current situation, but we also managed to cool off rather quickly. She did get quite upset when I said I will be sleeping on the couch, because I felt uncomfortable sleeping in that bed. She is still going out with the OM.

We are still holding off the divorce until she finds a job.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878

Time to do the 180, no discussion except for the kids, divorce details, etc.

You may not be the greatest husband but a serial cheater is not fixable.

She needs a job asap. Absolutely no sex. Yor are plan B enough as it is and have been in a open marriage on her end without even knowing it.

Get out of this. Work on yourself for your future.


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## PokGai

I started talking to my wife about divorce. Taking Marc878's advice, I did the 180. From our conversation, I sensed that she still hopes to reconcile, because for the past two months I have changed a bit. I lost 10 lbs and is now muscularly fit. I spent more time with my sons and am capable of taking care of them myself. She claimed that I changed much because of the potential divorce, but the truth is that I started changing way before this incident, she just didn't noticing it until now. When I told her that a PA is my bottom line, she finally realized that now I am the one who wanted out of this marriage. She turned hostile. Before she was crying and telling me she didn't really know what she was doing in life, now she is just giving me the cold shoulder. She said there is nothing else to talk about. 

I still hope for an amicable separation for the sake of our sons, but with the way things are turning out things do not look so good.


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## Marc878

Sorry you're here at this point but she knew exactly what she was doing. This was no mistake. 

If you can be strong, develope a plan and stick to it you'll come out on the other end better than one who is weak and waffles around. Once an affair becomes physical it's very difficult to break or reconcile. 

That's why it's better to think things through thoroughly than waste two or three years and end up with the same result anyway. Plus serial cheating iMO will never stop.

There are better out there. The 180 will help you to detach and get on with your life if you follow it.


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## turnera

Ah, poor baby. You're not just letting her do whatever she wants? So she's gonna pout and try to get you back under control by being mad? Have fun with it. Let her see you having fun, going out and enjoying yourself. Will drive her crazy.

lol


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## PokGai

turnera said:


> Ah, poor baby. You're not just letting her do whatever she wants? So she's gonna pout and try to get you back under control by being mad? Have fun with it. Let her see you having fun, going out and enjoying yourself. Will drive her crazy.
> 
> lol


I'm not sure if I can do that. I can't forgive her for what she did, but I still care for her. It actually saddens me to see her frustrated. I know, I'm stupid. But somehow I still feel responsible for her well-being.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tech-novelist

PokGai said:


> I'm not sure if I can do that. I can't forgive her for what she did, but I still care for her. It actually saddens me to see her frustrated. I know, I'm stupid. But somehow I still feel responsible for her well-being.


If you want to help her, the best thing you can do for her is to let her be a single woman again, since that's what she seems to want.


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## turnera

Nobody is responsible for anybody else's well-being. That's codependency.


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## PokGai

I understand guys and I know you are looking out for me. I truly appreciate that. Its just really difficult to stop caring for someone after taking care of that person for almost 10 years. I felt like a part of me died with that act.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheTruthHurts

PokGai said:


> I understand guys and I know you are looking out for me. I truly appreciate that. Its just really difficult to stop caring for someone after taking care of that person for almost 10 years. I felt like a part of me died with that act.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're exactly correct. You are best served to mourn that loss. It's a big loss in your life and you're allowed to grieve. I'm glad you recognize this as a loss.

Here's the "good" part - everyone grieves a loss at some point in their lives. It's one of the most difficult things you can do but it's best to do it completely to allow yourself to get it out. All the potential of that life with her is lost. Acceptance of that is the last step of grief and you will get there.

Rather than think about this as you a bad thing, recognize you are going through the stages of grief and one loss is being there to take care of her. Because you can't and you did once want to.

So you'll get there... Just keep putting one foot in front of the other...


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## Decorum

The advice has been so balanced here and very helpful.

Op I think you have taken the power back by being honest with your wife about your bottom line, that was very well done. Keep working on yourself.

Three things I would like to mention.

Firstly, I know it can be hard to believe but many wayward wives like yours become mortal enimies once the divorce gets started.

We have seen them make all kinds of amiable promises but resort to the most egregious lying and false accusations in order to secure a better financial outcome for themselves. You are a fool if you think it cant happen to you. 

Protect yourself with the most effective lawyer you can afford!!!


Secondly, and forgive me for being unclear about you circumstances, but is there a possibility (and therefore a risk) that your wife could take your sons to live with her and her parents in her homeland?

Lastly, at some point it will help you to get out ahead of the divorce with a truthful and balanced statement putting the situation in context.

By that I do mean exposure. You have been looking at it as an offensive, but really it is a responsibility you have, you owe it to your sons to be truthful and set the tone going forward.

Failing to do so out of fear or guilt is weak and less than they and everyone deserves.

I really wish you well.
Take care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Decorum said:


> Firstly, I know it can be hard to believe but many wayward wives like yours become mortal enemies once the divorce gets started.


And wayward husbands.


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## PokGai

I did the full disclosure with her parents, who are now in China. They told me not to make any final decisions and wait for them to come to the States to discuss everything in person. 

To answer Decorum's question: No, I do not think my wife will take the kids back to China. Her chance of making a living there is much lower than in the US.


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## TheTruthHurts

PokGai said:


> I did the full disclosure with her parents, who are now in China. They told me not to make any final decisions and wait for them to come to the States to discuss everything in person.
> 
> To answer Decorum's question: No, I do not think my wife will take the kids back to China. Her chance of making a living there is much lower than in the US.


That's interesting. 

When are they coming to the us? 

Are they coming just for this? 

Do they think they can change the outcome? 

Do you want them to change the outcome? 

Does your W know you've told her parents?


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## PokGai

TheTruthHurts said:


> That's interesting.
> 
> When are they coming to the us?
> 
> Are they coming just for this?
> 
> Do they think they can change the outcome?
> 
> Do you want them to change the outcome?
> 
> Does your W know you've told her parents?


They are coming in a month or two. Yes, they are coming just for this. Not sure exactly what they wanted to do. My wife does not know I told her parents, but she does know that they are coming, because her parents already told us that they are coming to the States when we told them we are getting a divorce. 

I do not want them to change the outcome.


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## Evinrude58

When I first read your thread, I saw myself in the recent past. You felt like the fact that your wife no longer loved you was all your fault. You still do. But the reason for her lost love for you is her own affair, not your lack of perfection in the marriage. Lots of women are cheated on, not provided for, have addicts for husbands, etc etc, but still love their worthless husbands and don't cheat. Are you worthless? I doubt that.

You still love her. You will for a year or so. But guess what? Your love for her will be and has already been twisted into a weapon that she has and will continue to use against you.

It is NOT your fault that your wife is f'ing another man and no longer loves you. It is HER fault that she gave her feelings away to another man and now has none for you. She chose that, it didn't "just happen".

This illusion in your mind that every other husband and dad in the world is better than you isn't accurate. It's a result of a traumatized mind.

If you want to be in a position to have enough income to survive and should you choose to, to find another person to love, you had better get a lawyer and fight for yourself and your kids. Whether you still love her is immaterial. She doesn't love you!!!!! 
I say again, she does not love you!!!

So start dealing with her as if your marriage is a business and get good advice on what to do. You can't rely on your own mind, because it's addicted to her. She will use you, toy with you (mind-****), stab you in the back (more), and find reasons to justify her taking over everything you jointly held in the marriage, including your kids.

As she has already done, she will continue to pump you full of lies to make you feel it's all your fault in order to get what she wants and to ease her conscience for what she is doing.

You said she is still seeing the guy--- of course she is!

If you do not expose this affair and get a lawyer and follow his advice to the letter, you are making the second biggest mistake of your life.

You are not the only person to go through this. We all know the horror you are going through. But listen to someone who has been through it. I promise you will be happier and feel differently when you finally accept your marriage is over and start moving forward instead of letting fear keep you in a hole.

Don't meekly accept your wife is screwing another man. You are better than that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878

PokGai said:


> I did the full disclosure with her parents, who are now in China. They told me not to make any final decisions and wait for them to come to the States to discuss everything in person.
> 
> To answer Decorum's question: No, I do not think my wife will take the kids back to China. Her chance of making a living there is much lower than in the US.


This is your call not theirs. They will end up on her side anyway.

I would proceed at my own pace. It's your life


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## Decorum

Op there are some things we hear over and again.

My new book (kidding) Cheaterspeak; an English to Cheater and vise versa translation guide, defines "confused" as follows,
The state of ambivalence in a cheaters thinking when their plans dont go exactly as thought and they need more time to implement the chain of events they feel will lead to their own happiness and best financial position.

This is an effective manipulation tool as it bread crums hope to the betrayed partner leaving their mind and emotions mostly polarized.

End definition/translation.

Just fyi.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lots to Learn

Evinrude58 said:


> When I first read your thread, I saw myself in the recent past. You felt like the fact that your wife no longer loved you was all your fault. You still do. But the reason for her lost love for you is her own affair, not your lack of perfection in the marriage. Lots of women are cheated on, not provided for, have addicts for husbands, etc etc, but still love their worthless husbands and don't cheat. Are you worthless? I doubt that.
> 
> You still love her. You will for a year or so. But guess what? Your love for her will be and has already been twisted into a weapon that she has and will continue to use against you.
> 
> It is NOT your fault that your wife is f'ing another man and no longer loves you. It is HER fault that she gave her feelings away to another man and now has none for you. She chose that, it didn't "just happen".
> 
> This illusion in your mind that every other husband and dad in the world is better than you isn't accurate. It's a result of a traumatized mind.
> 
> If you want to be in a position to have enough income to survive and should you choose to, to find another person to love, you had better get a lawyer and fight for yourself and your kids. Whether you still love her is immaterial. She doesn't love you!!!!!
> I say again, she does not love you!!!
> 
> So start dealing with her as if your marriage is a business and get good advice on what to do. You can't rely on your own mind, because it's addicted to her. She will use you, toy with you (mind-****), stab you in the back (more), and find reasons to justify her taking over everything you jointly held in the marriage, including your kids.
> 
> 
> 
> As she has already done, she will continue to pump you full of lies to make you feel it's all your fault in order to get what she wants and to ease her conscience for what she is doing.
> 
> You said she is still seeing the guy--- of course she is!
> 
> If you do not expose this affair and get a lawyer and follow his advice to the letter, you are making the second biggest mistake of your life.
> 
> You are not the only person to go through this. We all know the horror you are going through. But listen to someone who has been through it. I promise you will be happier and feel differently when you finally accept your marriage is over and start moving forward instead of letting fear keep you in a hole.
> 
> Don't meekly accept your wife is screwing another man. You are better than that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



This is bang on!!


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## PokGai

A quick update as promised. We are preparing to file for divorce. So far everything is done with minimal dispute. We agreed on 50/50 custody on the kids. At first she wanted 100% legal custody for her and 50/50 physical custody for us, but I talked her out of it. At this point, she can at least see things reasonably. She is still looking for a job, so I am still supporting her 100%. 

The OM she was seeing left her and she seemed emotionally conflicted every time I see her. I suspected that she has tried dating a few other men but nothing came out of them. She spoke to me about possibly dating and trying to get back together after we separated for a while. She is unusually nice to me intermittently, but always revert back to her grumpy state after a few hours of interaction. Whenever we discussed our divorce terms, she always accused me of wanting to cut all ties with her and doesn't want to support her. She wanted me to support her long term. I told her I have no issue with alimony and child support as long as she keeps it reasonable and within the boundary of the law. 

I have moved on emotionally, somewhat. Met a girl a month ago and things are going pretty well. I gave her a full disclosure of my situation and she was very understanding. A month now and we are still dating and things are getting better, so far. We both agreed to take things slowly until my divorce is finalized. We also decided not to disclose our relationship to my wife because we are afraid how negatively the news would affect the divorce. (Are we wrong to do so?)

I am content with my current recovery, but I still feel conflicted in some ways. I still feel a bit guilty dating another girl behind my wife's back. There were times when my wife expressed her desire to get back together and I was compelled to oblige. I felt that way mainly because I wanted to do it for my kids. But that is just how I feel, I couldn't really do it because I feel responsible for this new girl I met, who has put so much into our relationship to help me recover for the past month.


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## TheTruthHurts

Glad you are emotionally separating. Good that you are open with your GF.

Agree - don't disclose GF to STBXW - none of her business. She has been openly cheating on you so continue to move on.

I'm a bit concerned that you are already involved with someone. I suspect you are conflicted and have had lingering feelings for STBXW which isn't really fair to the GF. But you're open about it so that is her choice to stay with you in these circumstances.

Is there anything about you that should change before you are too deeply in a new relationship? Think about that. There is no better time for change than when you are not with anyone else. So be aware of that and be honest about yourself and do whatever work you have to do you are the best you in the next rekationship.


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## PokGai

TheTruthHurts said:


> Glad you are emotionally separating. Good that you are open with your GF.
> 
> Agree - don't disclose GF to STBXW - none of her business. She has been openly cheating on you so continue to move on.
> 
> I'm a bit concerned that you are already involved with someone. I suspect you are conflicted and have had lingering feelings for STBXW which isn't really fair to the GF. But you're open about it so that is her choice to stay with you in these circumstances.
> 
> Is there anything about you that should change before you are too deeply in a new relationship? Think about that. There is no better time for change than when you are not with anyone else. So be aware of that and be honest about yourself and do whatever work you have to do you are the best you in the next rekationship.


I have much to work on and improve before I involve myself too deeply in a new relationship. I fully understand that if I do not improve, my next relationship will not last long either. 

I did disclose my lingering feelings for my STBXW to my new GF and she said she understand. She said she is willing to work with me on this as long as I remain transparent with her. I told her I can do that.


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## Marc878

Full speed ahead with divorce. She's feeding you breadcrumbs because she got dumped or she'd still be with him.

Translation: her - I'll take you back for a temporary plan B until I find another. I like being a cheap piece for other men.


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## PokGai

Marc878 said:


> Full speed ahead with divorce. She's feeding you breadcrumbs because she got dumped or she'd still be with him.
> 
> Translation: her - I'll take you back for a temporary plan B until I find another. I like being a cheap piece for other men.


Yes, I am trying my best to do just that. Except when I told my elder son that we are selling the house and he and his brother will now have to live elsewhere and I won't be able to go with him, my son just gave me the saddest look...and my heart just shattered. I can literally feel his world falling apart and it killed me inside. I started having second thoughts and my resolution wavered.


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## Satya

All the best. 

You don't need to tell your STBX anything about your personal life, as long as your gf is not interacting with your children. If she is interacting with your kids, then they will surely say something to your STBX unless you do, first.


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