# Is it me?



## afterthought (May 20, 2010)

I have been married for six years. Which is a very short time compared to many people. I am in my thirties, this is my first marriage and I meant for it to be my only marriage. However, I am really starting to doubt my ability to carry on. My rational mind tells me I am not asking too much, my heart--because I do love the guy I am with--tells me just accept it and be happy you have someone. I feel very torn, very confused, very angry (with myself and him.) 
Let me give you a little history...this post will be long, I am sorry, but it's necessary so that you can get the big picture.
When I got married I already had a house and two home based businesses which were and still are doing well. I am the kind of woman that has no problem digging post holes or working with live stock (I do both) I am fairly tough, but at the same time I can be "girly". 
I have never in our marriage expected jewelry or fancy things. I have never wanted vacations or cruises, or even fancy furniture or expensive belongings, I have simply wanted someone to share my life with. Some one who wanted me, as me, and someone who was enthusiastic about life. Over the course of our marriage one thing stands out to me. My husband wants to be married but not be a husband. He's not mean to me, never says a cruel thing, tells me he loves me, but then in turn won't stand up for me, by me, for me, or even with me.
A few years into our marriage we had some neighbor troubles. The neighbor threatened to kill me and my husband did nothing. I had to talk to the police, I had to go to court alone, I had to be the one that got up every hour at night to check the house out. I bought cameras, I paid to have everything wired. At the time, I really didn't think about it. Until years later, when my mother became very ill, and I was not at home, the neighbor came over and screamed at my mom (who had just gotten out of the hospital) because I had to call the police to deal with their roaming aggressive animals (cause approaching them to ask nicely only leads to problems so I let the cops talk to them).
My husband, who is almost 7 feet tall by the way, stayed in his computer chair, just 20 feet from the front door, while the neighbor yelled and threatened my mother. He did nothing, not a word, did not even stand up and come over to see what the problem was. When I asked him why he let the guy do that, his remark was, "he didn't want to get in the middle of it."
So this is pretty much our marriage. Our entire marriage. He wants to be married to me but he doesn't want to get in the middle of it. 
Once we went to a party and he wouldn't dance with me so I danced with a couple of other women there and then this guy asked me to dance. I danced with him, but it didn't take long to figure out he had more on his mind than just dancing. I excused myself and went over to where my husband was sitting asked him to at least come stand with me because this guy was rubbing parts of his body on me that he really didn't need to be rubbing...
His reply, no.
Not, let's go, let me talk to him, I don't dance I'll just stand there with you, just a shrug and pretty much and I don't give a ****.
My mother passed away shortly before thanksgiving. I was incredibly depressed and I had to work. The only thing my husband talked about was going to his parents (right down the road) for thanksgiving (he--we goes every year every holiday). I couldn't leave home this year (obligations) and I offered to cook here instead. Nope, he wanted his mom's cooking so he left me, alone on thanksgiving, grieving my mother. When I talked to him about this he promised that we would do something together for Christmas. Christmas came, and you guessed it...left again. Not only that he didn't get me anything for Christmas (yes I got him something). When a friend of mine said something to him about it one day at dinner, his reply was that I told him I didn't want anything (untrue) what I said was I didn't know what I wanted) His reply, same thing. When said friend told him that was mean, he shows up 2 days later with Christmas presents (2 weeks after the fact).
I have no problems telling my husband where he screws up, and I have talked to him about everything over the years...or tried too. But he never responds. Most of the time he just ignores me and pretends I don't exist...or worst cries and tells me I'm being mean to him. I have never yelled at him, screamed or called him names. I do know how to discuss things rationally.
In the six years we have been married, he has never paid a house payment, power bill, phone bill, tv bill, etc. Sometimes he will give me money but only if I ask. I have no idea what he does with his money. For the last two years he has made more than me. He's had two new cars (that I helped him get and put the down payment on) wrecked both, is now driving mine (paid off). If I don't ask him for money he "forgets" to give it too me and never will. Then when I do ask he pouts. Yes pouts.
I have supported him between 4 job losses (up to 6 months each time) only to have him start a job (and yes he wants to work) but then it become pulling teeth to get him to give me even a couple hundred bucks for groceries.
I have a farm hand--call him J-- who lives with us. He's a very nice guy, works hard but due to some bad choices as a kid will never be able to get a real job. J is like a little brother to me. Some days we argue. Usually about stupid stuff and he's usually in the wrong. When he argues he can get ugly (childish) and my husband has sat right there when J has been completely off base (wrong and stupid) and won't say anything to him. He just let's him yell at me. It's trivial, I realize that, but it makes me feel worthless, useless, and of no value. Like he doesn't care if I exist or not.
When my husband was out of work, he wouldn't help around the house. When I complained he started washing the dishes, then had the nerve to make a comment about how J won't do dishes. J--mows the lawn, weed eats, works in the garden, cleans up after the animals, feeds the animals, repairs everything around the house, builds what I need built, fixes the cars when they break down (all because Hubby refuses to do any of that)...and hubby dissed J because he won't wash dishes.
My hubby tells me he loves me. I've asked him if he's happy married and he swears he is. He's loyal, he doesn't cheat...but at the same time he has absolutely no enthusiasm about our life together. All he cares about is when his next meal is, what's on TV or playing computer games.
Other examples are smaller but equally as painful. For example, I cooked breakfast the other day, 9 scrambled eggs, a can of biscuits, and some fried bologna. I ate two eggs, no biscuits. When I came out of the office a little while later, J was cooking. I told him I already cooked breakfast and then noticed the empty pans. He looked at me then hubby who was in the living room with ALL THE FOOD in a bowl eating it. He does that all the time. There have been many times I have cooked dinner and he comes in piles it all in his plate leaving nothing for any one else.
When you say something to him he gets his feelings hurt, usually cries about it (yes cries)...and says you're being mean to him and acts like a freaking 3 year old infant.
Talking to him about anything usually has the same results, ignores you or cries and says you're being mean. I just don't get it. I really don't. 
Everyone tells me how much he loves me "just look at how he looks at you"...but I have to admit. I don't feel loved. Everything is too much trouble for him. Be it house work to sex, it's just too much work. Hell it's even too much work for him to have a conversation with me...he won't do it. We can't even talk or debate or anything. Cause if I don't agree with him he zips up and won't argue his side or worse he'll just agree with me because....
I asked him why he does that and he says he doesn't want to argue. I tell him that's not arguing that's talking, discussing, having a difference of opinion. I don't want to be married to an amoeba who just agrees with me because...
Honestly...and I did tell him this...I feel that if we were walking down a street and a mugger jumped out he'd toss me out in front and run away...that's been our marriage...and that hurts me. The fact that he doesn't seem to care or want to protect and keep what he's supposed to love on any level...hurts.

I feel like it's been worse after my mom died. Mostly because she was a very important person in my life. I know a lot of this is grief. But now with her gone, I don't have anyone to talk too or get opinions from. I have no other family, my hubby is it.
My job, lifestyle, farm, prevents me from going out like normal people and socializing. I could do that a little when my mom was alive because she would keep an eye on things, hubby won't. Everything could die and he wouldn't notice for days.

I am in a constant state of guilt. My stress over this has been so bad that I've actually become sick. (no he doesn't notice).
Just telling him to leave seems like the logical and sensible approach but at the same time I feel guilty because he isn't mean to me, he doesn't hit me or call me names...but at the same time he doesn't treat me like I thought (or think) a husband is supposed too. I have actually considered just walking away from everything. Seriously. Because it would be easier then having to watch and listen and deal with him acting like an infant over this because that is exactly what he will do.

I don't blame anyone for this except myself. I should have been more aware, more observant, and seen the signs when we were dating. There were signs but I thought I was being nitpicky. I guess I wasn't. I feel like I'm being punished and that maybe I got exactly what I settled for, when i would have been better off alone.

I really don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm being difficult...even though I don't feel like I am...I just don't know.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Just a theory, but did your hustand go from mom to being married?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

was he always like this? what attracted you to him in the first place? 

I dont know what id do if my H cried when i tried to talk to him. id be beside myself. i can handle a man with a temper but a man that cries. he sounds like a child. I certainly dont think id give someone my car that crashed two. id buy them a bus pass perhaps.


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## afterthought (May 20, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> Just a theory, but did your hustand go from mom to being married?


No. He was married for a while (about a year) it did not work out. Surprisingly enough, complaints about his first wife was, she would not work, she would not help around the house, she spent all his money and put him in debt...

He lost everything from that marriage.





Blanca said:


> was he always like this? what attracted you to him in the first place?
> 
> I dont know what id do if my H cried when i tried to talk to him. id be beside myself. i can handle a man with a temper but a man that cries. he sounds like a child. I certainly dont think id give someone my car that crashed two. id buy them a bus pass perhaps.




No. He was not always like this. He was very sweet and helpful, and still is this way with other people. He is generally a sweet person, although can be very negative which has gotten a lot worse over the years.
When it comes to outside friends and family, he is all bells and whistles to help out...when it comes to me and home...nope. 

As for a bus pass. I live in the country. There are no buses here.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You need to lay it on the line and mean it, or nothing will change. You start counseling on X date and he is there and working at things, or you are done. 

Right now, you are being used. He has a great life without having to do anything that reciprocates what you do for him.

You, on the other hand, need to work on boundaries and expectations! Besides what I've said about boundaries (when you say, I will no longer tolerate this, and you MEAN it and are willing to show him the door), you need to think about what your expectations are. You are clearly a grown and competent woman--why on earth do you expect a man to get into your fights for you? Stand up for yourself--you've handled the neighbors' situation great, by the way, by turning it over to the cops--and in your fights with Joe. You are doing just fine there and, frankly, he's honoring your competence by letting you handle these things. (If anyone became physically violent toward you, that's another matter, b/c no one should be a by-stander at that point.) Think and talk to the therapist about why you want him to "take your side," other than sympathizing with you after the fact (and of course he should when you talk about the a-hole neighbors, or how stupid Joe is sometimes--he should be on your side without having to fight your battles for you). 

finding the balance between your competence and needs is the challenge in this marriage, but you must make the first change-and schedule counseling--or nothing will change. Good luck.


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## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

Hello Afterthought,

Do you have kids? I did not read it in your post either way. If not, I think I would cut my losses and find a better guy. You can't make him change or create the husband you want unless he wants to. I have kids, it is far less complicated to cut and run now before rug rats appear. Possibly if he sees what he could lose that would give him incentive to change. You seem to have put the necessary work into this marriage, and you are definitely not getting what you need out. 

Get some individual therapy and see what you need to get out of your life. Make sure you are happy! Good luck in your journey! You will find the right path.


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## allbymyself (May 23, 2010)

Take it from someone who never left the marriage and now has 4 kids. GET OUT NOW. You have no idea just how easy it would be for you to walk away. I wish I'd had the courage to leave back before we had kids. Now I am really stuck and here I sit caught in a loveless marriage of 18 years and four children who would be eternally hurt if I ended things now. I wish I'd done it when I could have - before any children came along.


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## afterthought (May 20, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> You are clearly a grown and competent woman--why on earth do you expect a man to get into your fights for you?



It has nothing to do with wanting him to get into fights and everything to do with I would like for him to have some interest in keeping me protected. 
Yes, I protect what I love, be it standing beside them or for them. It would only seem fair to expect the same. After all I would do it for him.
Hiding in the back room and refusing to get into it? That tells me he just doesn't care. Even a dog has more loyalty than that.

I don't expect him to beat anyone up for me. But I would have appreciated someone standing at my side or stepping in front of me and giving me support.

Is that really too much to ask?

Like I said...maybe it's me?


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## afterthought (May 20, 2010)

DennisNLA said:


> Hello Afterthought,
> 
> Do you have kids? I did not read it in your post either way. If not, I think I would cut my losses and find a better guy. .



No. And I do not want kids. Ever. Which is probably why this is so hard for me...because I feel like that's how he acts. Like a kid. And that's just not my lifestyle.


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