# Attracted to someone else



## bluebonds (Jan 18, 2013)

Hey guys and gals,
I've been going through a lot lately and have no one to talk to about this, because I know people will think I'm a horrible person. 
I've been happly married for almost 4 years, together for 5, but lately we've been having problems (see my other thread abut how he's been falling asleep during sex). 
I feel extremely attracted to another man, sometimes I even think I've fallen in love with him, and I don't know what to do to stop it. I haven't done anything about it and I think this guy is not interesd in me at all, so no possibility of a PA. We are really good friends and I wouldn't dare telling him about what I feel. I feel guilty for having these feelings and I wish I could shake them off. I love my husband and want to be with him forever, but I catch myself fantasizing not being married for one day and telling my fried how I feel about him. I've been really depressed and feeling like ****. My husband knows me a lot and has asked me if I'm in love with this guy. Since I'm extremely confused about my feelings, I told him no. After that, I keep my contact with my friend to a minimum and have tried to keep distance from him. It hurts so bad! Has anyone been in this situation? Any advice?


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## Sudden404 (Feb 26, 2013)

It's simple, stop stuffing all this crap down and go see an MC together.

My WW did just what you are doing, didn't find a way to work through it and it led to an affair.

Good for you for being so insightful, but it's meaningless if you don't take steps to confront the issues you feel you're facing WITH your guy.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I have not been in your situation. However, the comparison that you make between your husband and the other man (OM) is no contest. Right now the OM wins 10 out of 10 times and is clearly the better man. Just think about it for a minute and you know that the OM is better. However, the OM is not better than your husband because of the OM's personality traits vs your husband's traits. The OM is better because you only see the wonderful exterior that he projects for others to see. You never get to see the REAL OM. But you see the REAL man known as your husband every day of the week. 

If you think it through, you'll realize that your husband is in a contest that he cannot win. You have an idealized fantasy constructed about the OM. You have reality with your husband. For most people, a fantasy wins out against reality. Give it some thought and try to see the real OM and not the fantasy you constructed. Then you will realize that he isn't nearly as great as you have him built up in your fantasy.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

why dont you focus on fixing your problems with your husband you claim to love very much. Or is that a cliche phrase your saying to feel better about yourself??? Actions will always speak louder then words. there is no room for a third lover in a marriage.(unless its an open marriage I guess) Your a grown adult who is well aware of your actions. Do you have the maturity and faithfulness to stay committed to your husband?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Well I can tell you if you go through with the PA (of course he's into you, c'mon), you'll soon be feeling a whole lot worse. Your husband is well aware of what this could be, and your relationship will never survive if you aren't honest with him.

If you want to save your marriage, make your husband aware that it's gone too far as you've developed feeling for OM...and that you know it's wrong and you are going to stop all contact TODAY. Then do it. Sounds like that wont be easy for you though, but that's the best way, bring your H into the fight. Again, that's if you want your marriage.

If you want to continue contact with OM, then do it, after filing for divorce. Or you will dig a hole deeper than anything you're experiencing now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluebonds (Jan 18, 2013)

I appreciate your message. It tkes 2 to have an affair and like I said, the other guy is not at all interested. He would be really upset if I ever told him that. There's no MC where I live atm. I don' want to hurt my husband's feelings.


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## bluebonds (Jan 18, 2013)

I really do love my husband. I've had to overcome so much to stay together and make it work, and I don't regret it. Plan 9, you are right, it's an idealization and I should be aware of that. Reality is very different, and I choose my husband everytime. I just want to learn how to deal with these feelings.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

How to deal with them?

Stop contact immediately. Go through withdrawal as if you're a recovering drug addict. Then go ahead and hurt your husband's feelings by telling him the truth...you've already hurt them, just clear the air and let him deal with it in his way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

bluebonds said:


> I really do love my husband. I've had to overcome so much to stay together and make it work, and I don't regret it. Plan 9, you are right, it's an idealization and I should be aware of that. Reality is very different, and I choose my husband everytime. *I just want to learn how to deal with these feelings.*


You deal with the situation by recognizing it for what it really is. You already know that your conception of the OM is not real. How did you deal with the scary thoughts that ran through your head as a child when you were in that dark and scary bedroom trying to go to sleep. What's in my closet? Will it get me? Of course not, because those scary monsters "lurking" in your bedroom at night were not real. Time to be the adult and recognize that there is a "scary monster" trying to hurt your marriage. Not saying the OM is a scary monster, but the fantasy you constructed is. Exorcise the fantasy once and for all and come back to the land of the living - where the world is real.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

read imadeamistake's thread well she posted once that will tell you all you need to know

hint cheated left her husband and now she is single and husband happy with a girl 10 years younger than her she is miserable every day of her life


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bluebonds said:


> Hey guys and gals,
> I've been going through a lot lately and have no one to talk to about this, because I* know people will think I'm a horrible person. *
> I've been happly married for almost 4 years, together for 5, but lately we've been having problems (see my other thread abut how he's been falling asleep during sex).
> I feel extremely attracted to another man, sometimes I even think I've fallen in love with him, and I don't know what to do to stop it. I haven't done anything about it and I think this guy is not interesd in me at all, so no possibility of a PA. We are really good friends and I wouldn't dare telling him about what I feel. I feel guilty for having these feelings and I wish I could shake them off. I love my husband and want to be with him forever, but I catch myself fantasizing not being married for one day and telling my fried how I feel about him. I've been really depressed and feeling like ****. My husband knows me a lot and has asked me if I'm in love with this guy. Since I'm extremely confused about my feelings, I told him no. After that, I keep my contact with my friend to a minimum and have tried to keep distance from him. It hurts so bad! Has anyone been in this situation? Any advice?


Do you feel your are a horrible person? Because if you do, you know how to fix it, don't you?


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

bluebonds said:


> Hey guys and gals,
> I've been going through a lot lately and have no one to talk to about this, because I know people will think I'm a horrible person.
> I've been happly married for almost 4 years, together for 5, but lately we've been having problems (see my other thread abut how he's been falling asleep during sex).
> I feel extremely attracted to another man, sometimes I even think I've fallen in love with him, and I don't know what to do to stop it. I haven't done anything about it and I think this guy is not interesd in me at all, so no possibility of a PA. We are really good friends and I wouldn't dare telling him about what I feel. I feel guilty for having these feelings and I wish I could shake them off. I love my husband and want to be with him forever, but I catch myself fantasizing not being married for one day and telling my fried how I feel about him. I've been really depressed and feeling like ****. My husband knows me a lot and has asked me if I'm in love with this guy. Since I'm extremely confused about my feelings, I told him no. After that, I keep my contact with my friend to a minimum and have tried to keep distance from him. It hurts so bad! Has anyone been in this situation? Any advice?


Well I wont be alone in finding this bizarre

A few points

You don't mention this in that other thread ? Why?

So you are already having an emotional affair an EA. How long has this been going on?
Your H has already asked if you are in love with OM so not being stupid he's already known it's going on!

You think the two are unconnected!? your husband is probably feeling utterly overwhelmingly undermined probably wishes he was so fast asleep if he even thinks about sex with you. 

What on earth is wrong with you * 
*
_YOU_ are already having an affair with the final tip of the physical about to happen.

If you seriously want to help your husband and if seriously you want to stay married and really love him you will STOP seeing this OM tonight this morning NOW 

That's it *NOW* 

........and then address your problems because* whilst you have this connection you are heading at light speed for the divorce court 
*


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Women are said to feel things that men don't, but let's be honest here. When you say that "he's not interested", you don't know this to be entirely true, at least in the way he acts towards you. Might he be un-interested in you because he knows you are married and he's trying to avoid any drama/rejection if he decides to take a step?

That said, what will happen if he gets bold and starts texting you in ways that your husband might find inappropriate? You can't avoid the turmoil by telling yourself that he's not interested. But you can do that by drawing up an image of your husband's face in your mind, distorted with revealed betrayal and disappointment.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

No, you are not a horrible person and don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. Animal attraction means that you are alive. Fortunately, humans are able to control their animal instincts.
I'll give you the same advice I recently gave another woman in a similar situation: limit contact with this guy. If it's possible, even totally cut it. Do not be alone with him, don't let your eyes run all over his body and your thoughts linger in this fantasy. The more that happens, the more intense the attraction will grow. Cut it while it's still young, before you really fall head over heels. 

You know this will hurt your marriage and will bring you only heartache. This guy feels nothing for you, but even if he did...would it be worth it? Your H already picked up a vibe about what's going on. Admit it or not, but stay away from the guy and start working on the marriage...yesterday.

Sounds like sex life has some hiccups...him falling asleep...talk to him, find a way to bring your intimacy back to life. Communicate communicate communicate. Include sexual therapy if needed. 
Stay strong and wise. Don't lose your marriage over an illusion.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

Wow. Just commented on your sleep during sex thread and then I see this over here. You think him picking up on your relationship with OM has anything to do with the recent limpness you mentioned in your last post??

Definitely end it with OM pronto. You are not a horrible person for having feelings and desires but you would be for acting on them to betray your husband. 

Tell you husband, go NC and talk to a MC together.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

do your husband a favor and divorce him before you break his heart by cheating. and you WILL cheat. we are all attracted to other people ive been married 7 years attracted to loks of other women never NEVER fantisized or even thought about being in love with someone else. 

PLEASE PLEASE divorce him


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> No, you are not a horrible person and don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. Animal attraction means that you are alive. Fortunately, humans are able to control their animal instincts.
> I'll give you the same advice I recently gave another woman in a similar situation: limit contact with this guy. If it's possible, even totally cut it. Do not be alone with him, don't let your eyes run all over his body and your thoughts linger in this fantasy. The more that happens, the more intense the attraction will grow. Cut it while it's still young, before you really fall head over heels.
> 
> You know this will hurt your marriage and will bring you only heartache. This guy feels nothing for you, but even if he did...would it be worth it? Your H already picked up a vibe about what's going on. Admit it or not, but stay away from the guy and start working on the marriage...yesterday.
> ...


That last line is good advice

Do you not think the fact that her husband already feels she's in love with OM and is completely underwhelmed by her in bed surely speaks volumes.

If she were my wife I would want to even get in bed with her at all if I felt this

She needs to get rid of OM yesterday or it's all over and done 

We are able to control our instincts and sexual attraction is about as strong as it gets but we are also blessed with the ability, as strong, to make choices based upon experience and strength of character.
Sounds to me she's made a choice already and her husband does not seem to be it imo


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

This woman is fooling herself. And justifying her EA as if its okay as long as hes not attracted to her. 

She doesn't even realize how stupid this method of reasoning is. 

OM shows a hint of interest, its gonna be affair time damn quick. 

I'll tell you this, you already failed. You don't just wake up one day and love someone. You grow close and spend time with someone for that to happen. You let this happen and failed to shut it down and keep emotions from developing. 

Therefore, you already unqualified to properly put an end to it by yourself. 

I know one person who is though, your husband. Tell him, and he will shut this crap down pronto.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Tell your husband you have been examining your true feelings about the OM after your H questioned you about your feeling for the OM. Tell him that he's right, you are starting to develop feelings you don't want. 

Tell your H you intend to do X, Y, Z to prevent the feelings from developing further. Ask your husband to help you with this. This can be a good bonding exercise for you and your husband if you handle it right.


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## bluebonds (Jan 18, 2013)

There's nothing going on with the friend, only thoughts in my head, and I already feel horrible about those. I have kept distance with said friend and soon we'll part ways, so that will make it easier for me. I have been working so hard on my marriage. Dealing by myslef with my problems. It's hard to keep two threads. But during an argument my husband yelled "deal with your ****ing ****" when I told him it was hard for me to feel rejected because of previous depression/anorexia problems I've had in the past. I have NEVER let anyone talk to me like that. EVER. It still eats me when I think about it. I'd say I started developing feellings for my friend after that.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

bluebonds said:


> I don' want to hurt my husband's feelings.


Too late. He knows. He asked you point blank. You are hurting his feelings. Don't kid yourself.
Things will get worse unless you stay completely away from this man and follow an strict mental diet. As you won't do it (because it would mean putting all in the open) I only can cross my fingers while a see the train wreck.
Friend, there's no magic solutions, no shortchuts. The only way is through. The more you hide the worse will be.
Put all on the table.
There's no need for MC, you can do it by seriously talking to your husband. There are also tons of books, online resources.
You are no different. You don't want to deal with it.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Blue, I'm a WW who got herself into an EA. The om showed an interest in me and I encouraged his pursuit of me. 

I have found that thinking of om totally helps to fuel my dissatisfaction in my relationship with my husband. Then I retreat further into thoughts of om and it makes everything worse. Because you are having a rough time in your marriage, you are indulging in a fantasy with another man. 

Is he a friend? A co-worker? If you really want the feelings to go away, don't contact the other guy. Do not have conversations alone with him. Turn your attention to your husband. You may just have to tell him, "Babe, I'm feeling vulnerable right now. Can we spend some quality time alone?" Do the things you guys did when you first fell in love.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Headspin said:


> That last line is good advice
> 
> Do you not think the fact that her husband already feels she's in love with OM and is completely underwhelmed by her in bed surely speaks volumes.
> 
> ...


If she already made her choice she wouldn't be here asking for advice. She says she feels attracted to another person, not in love. Why make your own scenario? 
As for getting rid of the OM, I agree, that's the advice I gave her too. People really should stop making the worst assumptions. Someone comes here anonymously so has no reason to lie or to seek our validation. 

@ Kasler : if you have no advice and nothing good to say, better say nothing. She has done nothing wrong: she feels attraction for another man. With all due respect, but if you get an erection at the sight of an attractive female, does that make you a bad person? I really think NOT. You feel attraction, you are alive. You're married, not dead. 

Remember, one day YOU may come here posting YOUR "attracted to another person" story, and this type of replies you will get. Karma doesn't sleep.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Too late. He knows. He asked you point blank. You are hurting his feelings. Don't kid yourself.
> Things will get worse unless you stay completely away from this man and follow an strict mental diet. As you won't do it (because it would mean putting all in the open) I only can cross my fingers while a see the train wreck.
> Friend, there's no magic solutions, no shortchuts. The only way is through. The more you hide the worse will be.
> Put all on the table.
> ...


:iagree:


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## bluebonds (Jan 18, 2013)

In our stupid society, women can't feel attracted to other people without being treated as wh*res. Hortensi, thank you for your advice. I have no intention in pursuing anything with another person. These other comments don't affect me as they don't help me. You are right, I have no reaso to lie here and am not seeking validation. Just contructive advice on how to deal with this. I have never felt this attracted to anyone during our relationship and I think it's because we are having problems. I know what I feel for my husband and that I respect him, that's why we have talked about this. I told him at one point that I was afraid of falling in love with this guy. We are really honest and don't hide things from each other. Thanks to all the people that have been trying to help me through this.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

bluebonds said:


> In our stupid society, women can't feel attracted to other people without being treated as wh*res.


I don't think that's necessarily true.

Everyone (with any sense) knows that attraction to other people doesn't automatically stop when we get married.
What we do about those feelings is what matters.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Bluebonds, I do believe you. We don't know you and you don't know us. You could have very well said " I want to sleep with this guy, or I have". We don't know who you are, so you have no reason to lie. You are here for advice, and it really bugs me that some people have no constructive advice but only harsh and snide remarks. If I ever need advice, I would not post it on this forum...geez. Like we are not ALL humans, with flaws and errors...


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Being ATTRACTED to someone other than your spouse is no major crime. Hell, I've a few "celeb fantasies" of my own.

But ACTING on those feelings and PURSUING something more IS a problem. 

At least your honest, and you can nip this in the bud.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

bluebonds, the rest of us here can't control howyou feel about your sleeping husband or the guy you work with.
Clearly some people aren't meant for marriage and some marriages are doomed from the start.
I fell out of favor with my ex wife in less than a year after tying the knot and it took her twenty years to tell me she hadn't EVER been interested in me sexually, only financially.
It's pretty obvious that you will be moving on sooner than later if the two of you can't solve your problem.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Posters there is nothing wrong with self-reflection and soliciting advice on same. 

In some situations it is obvious that validation rather than advice is sought. I don't think this is one of those cases.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> Bluebonds, I do believe you. We don't know you and you don't know us. You could have very well said " I want to sleep with this guy, or I have". We don't know who you are, so you have no reason to lie. You are here for advice, and it really bugs me that some people have no constructive advice but only harsh and snide remarks. If I ever need advice, I would not post it on this forum...geez. Like we are not ALL humans, with flaws and errors...


I came on here because I was struggling with the fact that I had gotten involved with om. I got a lot of good advice, but there are SO many men who posted to me JUST to call me names and take out their frustrations and bitterness on a WW. 

I had to learn to ignore the judgmental rantings of bitter people and take the constructive criticism.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> If she already made her choice she wouldn't be here asking for advice. She says she feels attracted to another person, not in love. Why make your own scenario?
> As for getting rid of the OM, I agree, that's the advice I gave her too. People really should stop making the worst assumptions. Someone comes here anonymously so has no reason to lie or to seek our validation.
> 
> @ Kasler : if you have no advice and nothing good to say, better say nothing. She has done nothing wrong: she feels attraction for another man. With all due respect, but if you get an erection at the sight of an attractive female, does that make you a bad person? I really think NOT. You feel attraction, you are alive. You're married, not dead.
> ...


Sorry but just about hang on - "sometimes I even think I've fallen in love with him" !!
What's that then ? I'm not making any scenario at all or out for an argument either - that's pretty clear imo 
People do come on her and lie as well 

Sorry but this "she has done nothing wrong" is completely wrong 
Yes she has -a lot wrong 

Just to get it clear she's saying she thinks she could be in love with a man - how do you get to that specific point with somebody? You don't just sit near somebody and fall in love with em for nothing do you?
Whilst she's been having this 'relationship' with another man and her husband has picked up on it she's sitting on here wondering why her husband is falling asleep at the idea of sex with her 

not rocket science is it?


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

bluebonds said:


> There's nothing going on with the friend, only thoughts in my head, and I already feel horrible about those. I have kept distance with said friend and soon we'll part ways, so that will make it easier for me. I have been working so hard on my marriage. Dealing by myslef with my problems. It's hard to keep two threads. But during an argument my husband yelled "deal with your ****ing ****" _*when I told him it was hard for me to feel rejected because of previous depression/anorexia problems I've had in the past.*_ I have NEVER let anyone talk to me like that. EVER. It still eats me when I think about it. I'd say I started developing feellings for my friend after that.


I think there's a lot more going on here.

That btw is not a criticism but there are clearly some 'issues' that are not the 'norm' in the marriage.
I lived with a woman who had anorexia severe depression and other problems so I speak from experience 

Why did you husband say that what gave him reason to say that?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

bluebonds said:


> In our stupid society, women can't feel attracted to other people without being treated as wh*res. Hortensi, thank you for your advice. I have no intention in pursuing anything with another person. These other comments don't affect me as they don't help me. You are right, I have no reaso to lie here and am not seeking validation. Just contructive advice on how to deal with this. I have never felt this attracted to anyone during our relationship and I think it's because we are having problems. I know what I feel for my husband and that I respect him, that's why we have talked about this. I told him at one point that I was afraid of falling in love with this guy. We are really honest and don't hide things from each other. Thanks to all the people that have been trying to help me through this.


No, its women who feel attracted to other people and then don't take steps to deal with it who are wh0res. Same with men so its not a gender thing. 

Its quite simple. If things are getting to intimate, cut it off. As long as this rule is followed there can be no affairs on one's part. 

I'm not saying toss the friendship to the wind, but clearly state your position and inform that you have to keep a good distance, like no hanging out alone.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

She THINKS she MAY be in love is not the same with SHE IS IN LOVE. She's most likely infatuated. Even if she was in love, I still don't see what she DID wrong. You can't choose whether to fall in love or not, and with whom. Love is like getting a disease, it never comes and asks you : "are you ready? can I mess up with you? " It just strikes. We cannot control when and with whom to fall in love. We can nevertheless, control our actions. HERE is where she needs advice. 

And yes, it is possible to just sit near someone regularly and fall in love or in lust with them. I fell for classmates, coworkers, in the past, just seeing them every day and carrying a convo with them, seeing their cute smile. Sometimes they weren't even aware. Of course it's possible...you don't have to screw someone to fall for them.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

bluebonds said:


> In our stupid society, women can't feel attracted to other people without being treated as wh*res. Hortensi, thank you for your advice. I have no intention in pursuing anything with another person. These other comments don't affect me as they don't help me. You are right, I have no reaso to lie here and am not seeking validation. Just contructive advice on how to deal with this. I have never felt this attracted to anyone during our relationship and I think it's because we are having problems. I know what I feel for my husband and that I respect him, that's why we have talked about this. I told him at one point that I was afraid of falling in love with this guy. We are really honest and don't hide things from each other. Thanks to all the people that have been trying to help me through this.


This is a changing world I see a lot more of woman going out, getting and having what they want.

Woman now are more empowered than at any time in history

Being attracted to somebody is nothing new but what we have now is knowledge more than at any time and that gives us a choice and that's the real crux - a choice 

the 'knowledge' is simple and goes straight to the heart and it's this - 

1/ you start "falling in love" with people outside your marriage and you will inflict damage on your spouse beyond almost anything you will ever imagine especially if it has never happened to you (READ THIS FORUM)

2/ If they are also married/connected you will inflict the utmost damage upon that family as well as your own

That's the knowledge so now you're left with a choice. There's enough documentation and evidence as to the realities of this choice. There are NO EXCUSES anymore about this - "I did'nt know what I was doing" "I was confused" These don't cut it anymore information is out there all around us about infidelity and the consequences of it

You have the choice - Make the right one


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Whilst she's been having this 'relationship' with another man and her husband has picked up on it she's sitting on here wondering why her husband is falling asleep at the idea of sex with her 

not rocket science is it?[/QUOTE]

So, in other words, if you suspected your wife of being attracted to another man, this is what you would do? Fall asleep during sex with her ?? doesn't show much interest in whether you keep the wife or you lose her ...

Speaking for myself, if I sensed a threat, sleep would be the last thing on my mind ! I would make sure I give my man a fantastic sex, that he has no will or energy to think about another woman. 

Seems to me more like the dormant sex life made her hormones go crazy...a healthy sex life is the responsability of 2 PEOPLE, not just one.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

bluebonds said:


> I feel extremely attracted to another man, sometimes I even think I've fallen in love with him, and I don't know what to do to stop it. I haven't done anything about it and I think this guy is not interesd in me at all, so no possibility of a PA.


You're in a tough spot, you're mind is infatuated with another man, but you're mind also knows you don't have a chance with him, and rather than having to come to terms with the reality of the situation, which would be pursuit, rejection, suffering, and then re-assessing what matters to you, you get to avoid the pain altogether, with the added bonus of blaming it on your marriage, not on your inability to attract who you wish.

You said, "_I keep my contact with my friend to a minimum and have tried to keep distance from him._" But that isn't gonna do it, that'll just feed it. Go tell this guy how you feel, lay it all out for him, be 100% honest with him, and let the cards fall where they may. *You may be surprised how quickly you can get over someone*. Either way, you'll bring this all to a head and save yourself, your husband (who's already suspicious), and this poor other guy who has no idea he's even in this thing.

T


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Kasler said:


> No, its women who feel attracted to other people and then don't take steps to deal with it who are wh0res. Same with men so its not a gender thing.
> 
> Its quite simple. If things are getting to intimate, cut it off. As long as this rule is followed there can be no affairs on one's part.
> 
> I'm not saying toss the friendship to the wind, but clearly state your position and inform that you have to keep a good distance, like no hanging out alone.


Its not a 'friendship' 

She feels like she may be "in love" with him 
Her husband and her have had talks about her being "in love with him "

This needs to finish or it will become full on imho


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> Whilst she's been having this 'relationship' with another man and her husband has picked up on it she's sitting on here wondering why her husband is falling asleep at the idea of sex with her
> 
> not rocket science is it?





Hortensia said:


> So, in other words, if you suspected your wife of being attracted to another man, this is what you would do? Fall asleep during sex with her ?? *doesn't show much interest in whether you keep the wife or you lose her ...
> *
> Speaking for myself, if I sensed a threat, sleep would be the last thing on my mind ! I would make sure I give my man a fantastic sex, that he has no will or energy to think about another woman.
> 
> Seems to me more like the dormant sex life made her hormones go crazy...a healthy sex life is the responsability of 2 PEOPLE, not just one.


"her hormones go crazy" Without going back I don't think this was a permanent thing it's happened a few times. Yes a healthy sex life is the responsibility of two but that doesn't mean at the first sign of a change you can go around have your hormones go crazy and think you may be falling in love with somebody else. It's not a good enough excuse 

Everybody is different I probably would not fall asleep but if I was having those specific conversations with my wife partner I'd not wanting to be making love to her at all anyway, but that's me - I'd be grilling her on why she feels like that about another man and wanting to talk it through. 

So what should he do then ? Have that conversation about her falling in love with somebody else and what? Make the greatest love to her he's ever done? 

He may well have problems in other ways but her doing what she is doing surely does not help in the slightest bit. It can only undermine them imo


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Your husband is your ally, your aid, your love. He can help you with this. If you really feel like you will fail your H, all you have to do is confess what you feel for that man to your H. If your H really loves you and is smart he will make you really understand his love for you he will quickly shatter those feelings you have for this OM and help you overcome yourself and drag you away from this friendship.

It is natural to be physically attracted to someone else while married. Keep it that way, physically attractive, not emotionally or both. End this friendship because it is no longer a FRIENDSHIP to you but a TEMPTATION.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> You're in a tough spot, you're mind is infatuated with another man, but you're mind also knows you don't have a chance with him, and rather than having to come to terms with the reality of the situation, which would be pursuit, rejection, suffering, and then re-assessing what matters to you, you get to avoid the pain altogether, with the added bonus of blaming it on your marriage, not on your inability to attract who you wish.
> 
> You said, "_I keep my contact with my friend to a minimum and have tried to keep distance from him._" But that isn't gonna do it, that'll just feed it. Go tell this guy how you feel, lay it all out for him, be 100% honest with him, and let the cards fall where they may. *You may be surprised how quickly you can get over someone*. Either way, you'll bring this all to a head and save yourself, your husband (who's already suspicious), and this poor other guy who has no idea he's even in this thing.
> 
> T


Do you really think this other guy has no idea about how blue feels? 

C'mon Tony when somebody is in front of you gushing at you like a puppy it's about as clear as it can get. Just think about what you are like or your wife is like when the "in love" train rolls into town. There's no hiding it - it's impossible to hide it
He knows.

If he's done / doing nothing about it I commend him. Very difficult place to be in. I've been there and it can be embarrassing actually.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Headspin, no, not having conversation with her about her falling in love with someone else. But trying to make her focus on him, and hell yeah, make the greatest love to her he's ever done ! Why not? You think falling asleep while at it has a better outcome? Yes, I agree everybody is different. And we don't even know for sure if his suspicions that she lusts over that man is the cause why he falls asleep while having sex with her. But if that is, I for one, would be very offended that my husband cares so little about the possibility of losing me that can't even try to keep up and give me a good roll.

It's not about finding excuses. We don't know for sure what he knows, and why he's behaving like this. All I'm saying is that :
1. This sudden crush may be the result of an unsatisfying sex life
2. Whether she is in lost or in love with the guy is not the matter. You can't choose who to feel attracted to and if to feel. You can choose how to manage it. She needs advise on how to avoid getting deeper into it and how to master her emotions. Not criticism. If not even here she can find support, then where?


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## BlackjackBob (Nov 9, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> She THINKS she MAY be in love is not the same with SHE IS IN LOVE. She's most likely infatuated. *Even if she was in love, I still don't see what she DID wrong. *You can't choose whether to fall in love or not, and with whom. Love is like getting a disease, it never comes and asks you : "are you ready? can I mess up with you? " It just strikes. We cannot control when and with whom to fall in love. *We can nevertheless, control our actions.* HERE is where she needs advice.


You just pointed out what she did wrong. Inaction. Allowing those feelings of lust or love to continue to develop. Not making the CHOICE to honor her commitment to her partner by eliminating the circumstances that are enabling those feelings to flourish. She's a big girl, she's aware of those feelings for another man, she knows they're dangerous. Isn't pulling away and detachment from that person and those feelings, to honor her commitment by preventing an affair, um.. obvious?



> *And yes, it is possible to just sit near someone regularly and fall in love or in lust with them. I fell for classmates, coworkers, in the past, just seeing them every day and carrying a convo with them, seeing their cute smile.* Sometimes they weren't even aware. Of course it's possible...you don't have to screw someone to fall for them.


Lust, yes. Love, no. The scenario you just painted would spark lust, not love.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> Headspin, no, not having conversation with her about her falling in love with someone else. But trying to make her focus on him, and hell yeah, make the greatest love to her he's ever done ! Why not? You think falling asleep while at it has a better outcome? Yes, I agree everybody is different. And we don't even know for sure if his suspicions that she lusts over that man is the cause why he falls asleep while having sex with her. But if that is, I for one, would be very offended that my husband cares so little about the possibility of losing me that can't even try to keep up and give me a good roll.
> 
> It's not about finding excuses. We don't know for sure what he knows, and why he's behaving like this. All I'm saying is that :
> 1. This sudden crush may be the result of an unsatisfying sex life
> 2. Whether she is in lost or in love with the guy is not the matter. You can't choose who to feel attracted to and if to feel. You can choose how to manage it. She needs advise on how to avoid getting deeper and how to master her emotions. Not criticism. If not even here she can find suppot, then where?


Trouble is Hortensia I don't think ultimately there's enough information here
not even mentioning another man in the other thread 

Moreover:
the marriage itself - has there been resentment building up for longer
from the comment about her 'issues' earlier, I suspect there's a lot more to explore about this from his perspective and how he may feel about her and 
how long has she been seeing this guy 
exactly what is his role in this 

Time scales would help to see where things were and are now


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

bluebonds said:


> I know what I feel for my husband and that I respect him, that's why we have talked about this. I told him at one point that I was afraid of falling in love with this guy.



Why do you think you told your husband you were "afraid of falling in love with this guy"?
How would you have felt if your husband told you he was 'afraid of falling in love' with some girl?
If he was to say such a thing to you, what would you think his reason was?

T


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> She THINKS she MAY be in love is not the same with SHE IS IN LOVE. She's most likely infatuated. Even if she was in love, I still don't see what she DID wrong. You can't choose whether to fall in love or not, and with whom. Love is like getting a disease, it never comes and asks you : "are you ready? can I mess up with you? " It just strikes. We cannot control when and with whom to fall in love. We can nevertheless, control our actions. HERE is where she needs advice.
> 
> And yes, it is possible to just sit near someone regularly and fall in love or in lust with them. I fell for classmates, coworkers, in the past, just seeing them every day and carrying a convo with them, seeing their cute smile. Sometimes they weren't even aware. Of course it's possible...you don't have to screw someone to fall for them.



Why test your will and please your secret selfish inner desires of love/lust with a friendship like that, when you are married or when the other is married or both?


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## BlackjackBob (Nov 9, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> *It's not about finding excuses*. We don't know for sure what he knows, and why he's behaving like this. All I'm saying is that :
> 1. *This sudden crush may be the result of an unsatisfying sex life*


Not trying to find excuses for him falling asleep durring sex, or for her having lust for another man?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

BlackjackBob said:


> You just pointed out what she did wrong. Inaction. Allowing those feelings of lust or love to continue to develop. Not making the CHOICE to honor her commitment to her partner by eliminating the circumstances that are enabling those feelings to flourish. She's a big girl, she's aware of those feelings for another man, she knows they're dangerous. Isn't pulling away and detachment from that person and those feelings, to honor her commitment by preventing an affair, um.. obvious?
> 
> 
> 
> Lust, yes. Love, no. The scenario you just painted would spark lust, not love.



I sense limerance.

OP might have a limerance for this "OM". She is in love with the idea of being in love with him (mutual love). It is purely superficial.

This OTHER MAN sits to take a **** you know, and it stinks too....

Even if you D your H and he ends up marrying you, you'll end up being jaded by this "OM" too and realize you're in "love, or afraid of being in love" with "OM #2 ".


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Headspin said:


> Do you really think this other guy has no idea about how blue feels?
> 
> C'mon Tony when somebody is in front of you gushing at you like a puppy it's about as clear as it can get. Just think about what you are like or your wife is like when the "in love" train rolls into town. There's no hiding it - it's impossible to hide it
> He knows.
> ...


I've been there too. I too think that he knows. But either he really is not attracted to her, or he knows she is married and/or he is attached too and does the right thing - pretend not to know. However, minimize contact with him is recommended. 
This is not his problem, is hers. She is the one who's lusting over him, she is the one who has to master herself. The guy- so far, is clean.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

BlackjackBob said:


> Not trying to find excuses for him falling asleep durring sex, or for her having lust for another man?


Maybe he had a little too much wine.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> I've been there too. I too think that he knows. But either he really is not attracted to her, or he knows she is married and/or he is attached too and does the right thing - pretend not to know. However, minimize contact with him is recommended.
> This is not his problem, is hers. She is the one who's lusting over him, she is the one who has to master herself. The guy- so far, is clean.


I've been in this "OM's" shoes a few times. I avoid any unnecessary contact with these married female friends which are attracted to me, not for their sake but for mine.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Maybe he had a little too much wine.


It would take quite a bit of wine for me to do that to be fair 

Having consumed copious amounts I would normally be asleep before we started!


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## BlackjackBob (Nov 9, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> I sense limerance.
> 
> OP might have a limerance for this "OM". She is in love with the idea of being in love with him (mutual love). It is purely superficial.
> 
> ...


You may very well be right. But what has she, or what WILL she do to get past that? Or will she continue to allow it to evolve by doing nothing, until she inevitably has a full blown affair?

---

OP, If you genuinely respect your husband and your relationship with him, here is a simple rule to follow at all times. If you feel you're getting too close to another man, cut him out of your life. Completely. Simple.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> I've been in this "OM's" shoes a few times. I avoid any unnecessary contact with these married female friends which are attracted to me, not for their sake but for mine.


just to deviate a little

I once lost a great friend who's fiance came onto me big time about two months before their wedding !!

I told her not to be ridiculous and if she persisted I'd tell him. 
She persisted
I told him and said he was making a huge mistake. 
She said it was all me
He dropped me like a stone
He got married 
18 months later he was divorced because she'd cheated on him !!
He soon after became my friend again 

You couldn't make it up !


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

BlackjackBob said:


> You may very well be right. But what has she, or what WILL she do to get past that? Or will she continue to allow it to evolve by doing nothing, until she inevitably has a full blown affair?
> 
> ---
> 
> OP, If you genuinely respect your husband and your relationship with him, here is a simple rule to follow at all times. If you feel you're getting too close to another man, cut him out of your life. Completely. Simple.



If she doesn't help herself she will find herself testing boundaries. They always start off small, innocent, or so they seem small and innocent, like ripple effects, then the tsunami hits!


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

BlackjackBob said:


> You just pointed out what she did wrong. Inaction. Allowing those feelings of lust or love to continue to develop. Not making the CHOICE to honor her commitment to her partner by eliminating the circumstances that are enabling those feelings to flourish. She's a big girl, she's aware of those feelings for another man, she knows they're dangerous. Isn't pulling away and detachment from that person and those feelings, to honor her commitment by preventing an affair, um.. obvious?
> 
> 
> 
> Lust, yes. Love, no. The scenario you just painted would spark lust, not love.


Ok, Bob, let me ask you something : if, let's say, you have a friend/ co-worker/ neighbor ( I donno what the guy is to Blue ), and one day you realize you start to feel something for her, what action do you take ? IMMEDIATELY, IN THAT VERY MOMENT, you turn your back on her, start running, and next time you see her cover your eyes and ears? Quit your job ON THE SPOT, sell your house THE NEXT DAY once you started to feel something? Or you give it a lot of thought of what to do and how to cope with your emotions, maybe even consider coming here to ask for ideas ? 

You say INACTION. To me the fact that she has been thinking what to do, NOT GO FOR IT, and the very fact she has come here to ask for advise is starting an ACTION. It is not much, but she's willing to work on it. Just that she isn't getting too much support. 

I haven't read the other thread. Is true that there is not much info, but with the little info we have, we can summerize : "Advise on how to keep a forbidden attraction/ feeling of love/ whatever it is ...under control "


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Hortensia said:


> She THINKS she MAY be in love is not the same with SHE IS IN LOVE. She's most likely infatuated. Even if she was in love, I still don't see what she DID wrong. You can't choose whether to fall in love or not, and with whom. Love is like getting a disease, it never comes and asks you : "are you ready? can I mess up with you? " It just strikes. We cannot control when and with whom to fall in love. We can nevertheless, control our actions. HERE is where she needs advice.
> 
> And yes, it is possible to just sit near someone regularly and fall in love or in lust with them. I fell for classmates, coworkers, in the past, just seeing them every day and carrying a convo with them, seeing their cute smile. Sometimes they weren't even aware. Of course it's possible...you don't have to screw someone to fall for them.


Were you terribly sad when Oprah Winfrey went off the air? You sound like you would have made a great guest on her show.

"We cannot control when and with whom to fall in love." - yes we can...it's called marriage...

"Love is like getting a disease..." - no it is not...love is a mental construct...a choice...

The woman who started this thread is in the process of justifying her future actions with this other man. All the indicators are there including the dishonest honesty. She is not looking for any feedback that will not coincide with her fantasies of this other man. She will be back within a year stating how she did not understand how she fell into an affair with this OM. Bank it...


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## BlackjackBob (Nov 9, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> If she doesn't help herself she will find herself testing boundaries. They always start off small, innocent, or so they seem small and innocent, like ripple effects, then the tsunami hits!


Well stated.

There isn't the slightest of a single reason it should come to that though. It appears she caught onto the makings of an affair early.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

BlackjackBob said:


> Not trying to find excuses for him falling asleep durring sex, or for her having lust for another man?


Lol...neither ! None of it should be happening. 
We can just speculate which was first : the egg or the hen . Is she pining for another man because her husband falls asleep during sex, or is her husband falling asleep during sex because he thinks she's in love with another man? Only they know.

He should NOT be falling asleep during sex with her...it is offensive. And she should NOT feel attracted to another man, but again, we cannot CHOOSE feelings. We can CONTROL them with our actions.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

cj9947 said:


> Were you terribly sad when Oprah Winfrey went off the air? You sound like you would have made a great guest on her show.
> 
> "We cannot control when and with whom to fall in love." - yes we can...it's called marriage...
> 
> ...


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## BlackjackBob (Nov 9, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> Ok, Bob, let me ask you something : if, let's say, you have a friend/ co-worker/ neighbor ( I donno what the guy is to Blue ), and one day you realize you start to feel something for her, what action do you take ? IMMEDIATELY, IN THAT VERY MOMENT, you turn your back on her, start running, and next time you see her cover your eyes and ears? Quit your job ON THE SPOT, sell your house THE NEXT DAY once you started to feel something? Or you give it a lot of thought of what to do and how to cope with your emotions, maybe even consider coming here to ask for ideas ?


Remove yourself from that person as much as possible. Self Control. There is therapy if needed.



> You say INACTION. To me the fact that she has been thinking what to do, NOT GO FOR IT, and the very fact she has come here to ask for advise is starting an ACTION. It is not much, but she's willing to work on it. Just that she isn't getting too much support.


Her coming her for advice is the one positive choice she's made in her ordeal. But "kinda" doing something isn't the same thing as actually DOING something. Cutting off the catalyst (the OM) as much as she possibly could, was the first thing she should have done, when she recognized those feelings that were forming. She didn't. From what I can tell, she still hasn't. She appears hesitant in doing so, at the least. That is concerning. And very dangerous. Why even seek out advice if she is apparently unwilling to do the one thing she can do, and needs to do, in order to squash this situation and what it WILL lead to if she doesn't?



> I haven't read the other thread. Is true that there is not much info, but with the little info we have, we can summerize : "Advise on how to keep a forbidden attraction/ feeling of love/ whatever it is ...under control "


We're on the same page there. But, the one thing she can do to put an end to this, she seems to not be doing. I'm beginning to wonder what her motives in seeking advice here is.

Is she seeking advice because she is oblivious to the obvious, underlying because she loves and respects her husband and doesn't want to stray? Or is she seeking advice to make herself feel secure/justified with her (thus far) reluctance to just cut the OM out of her life as much as possible, because at the very least she is toying with the idea of an affair?


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> cj9947 said:
> 
> 
> > I, for one, make sure to keep mine spiced up. I have been married almost 5 years and we're as in love and connected as at the begining. And that is not by falling asleep during sex, nor by believing that only "marriage" is enough.
> ...


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

BlackjackBob said:


> I'm beginning to wonder what her motives in seeking advice here is.
> 
> Is she seeking advice because she is oblivious to the obvious, underlying because she loves and respects her husband and doesn't want to stray? Or is she seeking advice to make herself feel secure/justified with her (thus far) reluctance to just cut the OM out of her life as much as possible, because at the very least she is toying with the idea of an affair?


I'm not convinced she'll be back as there's stuff she won't want to hear / see


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## BlackjackBob (Nov 9, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> He should NOT be falling asleep during sex with her...it is offensive.


She should be grateful he's even willing to sleep in the same bed as her while she's lusting over another man and considering an affair. He may not know with certainty that something is going on with her, but trust me he does know something. There will at the least be clues she is directly or indirectly leaving about, that'd give him at least an idea of something not being right. 

Edited to add: Shaggy exxplains the above (in my opinion) more clearly.


> it's thoughts in your head AND how you are acting. Your husband has picked up on it. So it already affecting your marriage.


Even if he is totally clueless to what's presently going on with her. She has no place to take offense, WHILE she presently knows she is lusting over another man and considering an affair.



> And she should NOT feel attracted to another man, but again, we cannot CHOOSE feelings. We can CONTROL them with our actions.


Agreed.


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## BlackjackBob (Nov 9, 2012)

Headspin said:


> I'm not convinced she'll be back as there's stuff she won't want to hear / see


And that's a shame, if her coming here was well intended and not for some selfish motive. Given what I've seen, I'm not confident she's going to make the right choices. I guess all we can do at this point is hope she makes the right choices for herself and her husband.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

bluebonds said:


> There's nothing going on with the friend, only thoughts in my head, and I already feel horrible about those. I have kept distance with said friend and soon we'll part ways, so that will make it easier for me. I have been working so hard on my marriage. Dealing by myslef with my problems. It's hard to keep two threads. But during an argument my husband yelled "deal with your ****ing ****" when I told him it was hard for me to feel rejected because of previous depression/anorexia problems I've had in the past. I have NEVER let anyone talk to me like that. EVER. It still eats me when I think about it. I'd say I started developing feellings for my friend after that.


Yes there is, it's thoughts in your head AND how you are acting. Your husband has picked up on it. So it already affecting your marriage.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Headspin said:


> Hortensia said:
> 
> 
> > But Hortensia next week your husband pulls you over for a serious chat and expresses how he may be falling in love with another woman.
> ...


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Quote:
And she should NOT feel attracted to another man, but again, we cannot CHOOSE feelings. We can CONTROL them with our actions. 

Agreed. 

Bob, I'm glad that we agree about at least one thing. 

Sure, nobody would die of pleasure thinking that their spouse may be thinking about someone else. But this passive, indifferent attitude indicates that he may not care that much. A spouse who loves would be losing sleep in front of such issue. I. for one, would.

She appears hesitant to cut off the OM bcs she is infatuated. But that should be the role of this forum: encourage her to do so, support her, and reminding her this is for the best. Not telling her how close of cheating she is, how bad she is and etc.

Quote : " Why even seek out advice if she is apparently unwilling to do the one thing she can do, and needs to do, in order to squash this situation and what it WILL lead to if she doesn't?"
Then, in other words, this forum should not even exist. Coz this is the purpose of the forum: come here for advice. She most likely knows what she needs to do but right now she feels weak. She needs support and encouragement to follow the right path. Looks like she came to the wrong place, sadly.


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## GoBlue (Feb 21, 2013)

Men here can be harsh. Sorry but if your man is being a jackass about an eating disorder I don't blame you for being open to other options. Flame away.


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## BlackjackBob (Nov 9, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> Quote:
> Sure, nobody would die of pleasure thinking that their spouse may be thinking about someone else. But this passive, indifferent attitude indicates that he may not care that much. A spouse who loves would be losing sleep in front of such issue. I. for one, would.


It may also mean he is hurting, but isn't blatantly externalizing it in an identical manner to how you'd react. Her husband may very well be a bit of an introvert. And there isn't anything wrog with that. Some people pour their feelings out, some people bottle them up.

It may mean he knows something, but is caught up in his own denial of his wife being capable of having an affair. This is an error I made (as many seem to do) when I was put through the gauntlet of betrayal by my ex. Many spouses don't want to accept that their partner is or might be having an affair, even when all of the evidence is staring right at them, under their noses. A tremendous degree of trust is placed in the WS, even when the BS suspects or knows something is not right. Trapping themselves in their own state of denial.



> She appears hesitant to cut off the OM bcs she is infatuated. But that should be the role of this forum: encourage her to do so, support her, and reminding her this is for the best. Not telling her how close of cheating she is, how bad she is and etc.


Cutting off the OM is her role and responsibility above all else. She chose to not do that. She came here for advice, and was given plenty. If we are not supposed to tell her how to close off the cheating, what she claims to want to avoid, and thus the advice she sought out, then what good are we in our role to advise her? What is then the point of her or anybody in her situation coming here for advice, if we shouldn't advise the person how to best solve their problem? Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but the point you made there contradicts itself.



> Then, in other words, this forum should not even exist. Coz this is the purpose of the forum: come here for advice. She most likely knows what she needs to do but right now she feels weak. She needs support and encouragement to follow the right path. Looks like she came to the wrong place, sadly.


What you fail to understand or accept is, we have given her advice. Plenty of it. Advice is all we can give. We can't force her to make the right choices. After being given plenty f advice, she chose to wallow in inaction. Neither taking our advice or putting into action her own method to solve her problem. ALLOWING circumstances that will lead to cheating to remain alive and nurtured. I can't speak for anybody else who posted in this threat, but I am not a trained professional, nor am I her therapist. Beyond giving advice there is not anything more I can do to help her. And at that point, after plenty of advice is given, and she's still not DOING anything to solve her problem. Not putting REAL work into it. ALLOWING the problem to continue to exist and grow, there isn't anything more I and probably most people here could've done to help her. 

When a person comes in, asks for help, receives it, but refuses to do anything practical and constructive to at least begin chipping away at the problem. At what point does it become reasonable to say to yourself that this person isn't wanting help as they claim? At what point does it become reasonable to say to yourself, this person is responsible for their "problem" because they permit, CHOOSE to let it exist? At what point does it become reasonable to conclude this person isn't really here for help, rather is being manipulative, looking for people to make her feel more secure about a problem she apparently doesn't have much of a problem with? A very trashy, disgusting choice she'll ultimately make?

When a person genuinely wants to solve a problem, with or without help/advice, they get up and DO something about it. Even after receiving advice here, she continued to do nothing about it. 

My opinion is, she is considering an affair at minimum. She doesn't deserve coddling for that. She certainly will not be getting it from this man anyway.

I may be wrong about her intentions, and frankly I hope I am. But all signs are pointing to what I described above. You are of course not wrong for, and welcome to remain in disagreement with me.


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## BlackjackBob (Nov 9, 2012)

GoBlue said:


> Men here can be harsh. Sorry but if your man is being a jackass about an eating disorder I don't blame you for being open to other options. Flame away.


If the other "option" is ending the relationship because the husband OR wife is consistently being a jerk about their partner's health problems, then absolutely.

An affair however, is NEVER a justifiable option.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I'm still trying to figure out how people saying she should seek MC, talk to her husband, and end contact with the other man is not advice. Support is not always about things you want to hear or coddling.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Oh well, from the tone of it, it didn't sound much like advice, but something else. But anyway. I've said all I had to say regarding my point of view on this matter. 

One thing I want you all to keep in mind, before being so vehement: this can happen to YOU. In a month, a year, ten years. You're made of flesh and exposed to temptation. And let's see then how you cope with it. We maybe still here on TAM reading stories or not...but when you judge, your turn to be judged will come  

To OP, please stay strong. Talk to your husband and do all you can to repair your relationship. Sex included. Communication and transparency, as well as No Contact or as little as possible with the OM. If you feel the need to talk, you're welcome to PM me. Wish you the best.


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## BlackjackBob (Nov 9, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I'm still trying to figure out how people saying she should seek MC, talk to her husband, and end contact with the other man is not advice. Support is not always about things you want to hear or coddling.


Well stated.

If we had collectively said to her "Forget about your husband for now, and your marriage, focus on satisfying your own desires with this other man. Roll around under the blankets with him for however long you need to. As long as you come out of it feeling happy and satisfied, even at the sacrifice of your husband's trust in you, and feelings,it must be okay. So do it. Your reality should only ever be about your own immediate gratification", would we be giving her good advice? Obviously not.

She came here for support, and she received it. What's right, as it seems, wasn't in alignment with "what I think I might want". So I guess that means she wasn't given advice and support? That ship doesn't sail.

She was seeking validation in a trashy choice she was/is considering. nothing more. She didn't get that. And now she vanished. Wait and see if she returns and made the right choice, is all that remains.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Bob, dude. She has JUST posted. What on earth do you expect her to do right now? She's probably still taking on information and trying to absorb it.

I've been in her position and clarity doesn't come because a bunch of people on the interwebz jump up and down and tell you what to do.


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## BlackjackBob (Nov 9, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> this can happen to YOU. In a month, a year, ten years. You're made of flesh and exposed to temptation. And let's see then how you cope with it.


I've been there. I eliminated as much exposure to the temptation as possible. Knowing I'd be betraying my own character and values by giving in, as well as betraying the trust my partner (at the time) placed in me, knowing I'd be crushing her in the worst possible way, was more than enough to put the sparks of temptation out, before they errupted into an inferno.

Self control. 

We all possess free will.
We all make a choice in order to do most of what we ever do.
An affair, is ALWAYS a choice. Nobody is forced into an affair.
We all can choose to resist and eliminate dangerous temptations.
We all can choose to not have an affair.
Some people CHOOSE having affairs.

Anything else is false justification and excuse making.

She received the best advice possible. Eliminate the temptation, don't stray.


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## BlackjackBob (Nov 9, 2012)

AnnieAsh said:


> clarity doesn't come because a bunch of people on the interwebz jump up and down and tell you what to do.


If advice is not what she wanted, or as you phrased it "a bunch of people on the interwebz jump up and down and tell you what to do.", why did she come here for advice then?


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Just one last caveat : nobody said the kind of advice she should have gotten is " get rid of the husband, have sex with the OM". Would be a totally wrong advice.
If you read my responses to her you can see I'm all for MC, NC with guy and self-control. Minus the snide comments and general negativity oozing from some poster's "advices". 

I seriously doubt she was seeking validation. She stated several times she has no intention to go for it. She vanished, no wonder why. Honestly, it left me a bitter taste to see so many people have a one-sided view of marriage, and such a wrong attitude at giving advice. 

Going to bed now...I still have a husband to make love to...and I won't fall asleep


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

BlackjackBob said:


> If advice is not what she wanted, or as you phrased it "a bunch of people on the interwebz jump up and down and tell you what to do.", why did she come here for advice then?


It seems obvious to me from her own words that she thinks the feelings are WRONG, that she's having a tough time in her marriage. So she got the advice and she should INSTANTLY be over her crush on the guy?


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## BlackjackBob (Nov 9, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> Just one last caveat : nobody said the kind of advice she should have gotten is " get rid of the husband, have sex with the OM". Would be a totally wrong advice.
> If you read my responses to her you can see I'm all for MC, NC with guy and self-control. Minus the snide comments and general negativity oozing from some poster's "advices".


That wasn't in reference to any of your views. I apologize for not being more clear.

I was highlighting some earlier posts that seemed to diminish the gravity of the situation she is in. A few pages back there was a couple of posts subtly (and bluntly) suggesting she should take her feelings for this potential affair, and follow through it.



> I seriously doubt she was seeking validation.


I truly hope you are right.



> Going to bed now...I still have a husband to make love to...and I won't fall asleep


Ha! Have a good one. Try not to wake any neighbors up. Too much.


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## BlackjackBob (Nov 9, 2012)

AnnieAsh said:


> It seems obvious to me from her own words that she thinks the feelings are WRONG, that she's having a tough time in her marriage. So she got the advice and she should INSTANTLY be over her crush on the guy?


No ma'am. I was saying she should have told her husband for starters, then IMMIDIATELY take steps to remove the OM from her life. She appeared hesitant. Time will only tell if she does what is right, or if what I -SUSPECT- is right. IF she returns, that is.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

BlackjackBob said:


> No ma'am. I was saying she should have told her husband for starters, then IMMIDIATELY take steps to remove the OM from her life. She appeared hesitant. Time will only tell if she does what is right, or if what I -SUSPECT- is right. IF she returns, that is.


Yeah of course she's hesitant! Cutting contact with this guy is means taking away something that gives her a rush. 

And what posts encouraged her to follow through with her feelings? Can you quote them? That's some monumentally BAD advice.


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## BlackjackBob (Nov 9, 2012)

AnnieAsh said:


> Yeah of course she's hesitant! Cutting contact with this guy is means taking away something that gives her a rush.


And that makes it okay, at the expense of hurting, and potentially having an affair on her partner? I believe your intentions are good, but what your message promotes (and I'm not sure you fully realize it, given I believe you mean well) is outright selfishness. She NEEDS to take that out of her life if she values her relationship and partner. If she truly does not want an affair. She CAN'T have it both ways. The longer she allows that rush, and him, to remain, more damage will accumulate, until she inevitably cheats on him.



> And what posts encouraged her to follow through with her feelings? Can you quote them? That's some monumentally BAD advice.


Browse to the previous page, have a look at GoBlue's post.


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## GoBlue (Feb 21, 2013)

BlackjackBob said:


> If the other "option" is ending the relationship because the husband OR wife is consistently being a jerk about their partner's health problems, then absolutely.
> 
> An affair however, is NEVER a justifiable option.


I agree. But I also think that he may be a complete jerk that she may be better off without. In which case a new life may be beautiful and fresh and bright. Some relationships are not worth saving.


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## BlackjackBob (Nov 9, 2012)

GoBlue said:


> I agree. But I also think that he may be a complete jerk that she may be better off without. In which case a new life may be beautiful and fresh and bright. Some relationships are not worth saving.


I agree. Completely actually. As long as an affair is not involved. There is a right way and a wrong way to explore "other options".


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

BlackjackBob said:


> And that makes it okay, at the expense of hurting, and potentially having an affair on her partner? I believe your intentions are good, but what your message promotes (and I'm not sure you fully realize it, given I believe you mean well) is outright selfishness. She NEEDS to take that out of her life if she values her relationship and partner. If she truly does not want an affair. She CAN'T have it both ways. The longer she allows that rush, and him, to remain, more damage will accumulate, until she inevitably cheats on him.
> 
> 
> 
> Browse to the previous page, have a look at GoBlue's post.


My message promotes selfishness? My message was: tell your husband, cut contact, turn your attention back to your marriage. Again, I have LIVED this. My message to YOU is to be patient with her and understand that giving up your "fix" ain't easy when you think your marriage is in the dumps. 

She made the original post 8hrs ago. Is it realistic to expect her to return and say, "I fixed it! All better!" Probably not. Hopefully, she will have gathered her thoughts and had a serious talk with her husband in the next few days. I'm certainly rooting for her. 

Now I have to go back to work on my household budget and this glass of wine lol.


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## BlackjackBob (Nov 9, 2012)

AnnieAsh said:


> My message promotes selfishness? My message was: tell your husband, cut contact, turn your attention back to your marriage. Again, I have LIVED this. My message to YOU is to be patient with her and understand that giving up your "fix" ain't easy when you think your marriage is in the dumps.


Annie, my comment about your "message" was in reference to the quote of yours ABOVE what I said. Not any other post you've made in this thread.



> She made the original post 8hrs ago. Is it realistic to expect her to return and say, "I fixed it! All better!" Probably not. Hopefully, she will have gathered her thoughts and had a serious talk with her husband in the next few days. I'm certainly rooting for her.
> 
> Now I have to go back to work on my household budget and this glass of wine lol.


That would be very unrealistic. FIX EVERYTHING NOW is not what what I advises, or followed with in any later post.

Enjoy. Have a glass for both of us!


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

bluebonds said:


> I appreciate your message. It tkes 2 to have an affair and like I said, the other guy is not at all interested. He would be really upset if I ever told him that. There's no MC where I live atm. I don' want to hurt my husband's feelings.


There are links on every page of this forum that can put you in touch with counsellors. You can do it over the phone, or the computer. You need help and guidance, and that is normal. You don't need to fumble around, alone in the dark, hoping you find a solution. Make use of the experience of others.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

bluebonds said:


> Hey guys and gals,
> I've been going through a lot lately and have no one to talk to about this, because I know people will think I'm a horrible person.
> I've been happly married for almost 4 years, together for 5, but lately we've been having problems (see my other thread abut how he's been falling asleep during sex).
> I feel extremely attracted to another man, sometimes I even think I've fallen in love with him, and I don't know what to do to stop it. I haven't done anything about it and I think this guy is not interesd in me at all, so no possibility of a PA. We are really good friends and I wouldn't dare telling him about what I feel. I feel guilty for having these feelings and I wish I could shake them off. I love my husband and want to be with him forever, but I catch myself fantasizing not being married for one day and telling my fried how I feel about him. I've been really depressed and feeling like ****. My husband knows me a lot and has asked me if I'm in love with this guy. Since I'm extremely confused about my feelings, I told him no. After that, I keep my contact with my friend to a minimum and have tried to keep distance from him. It hurts so bad! Has anyone been in this situation? Any advice?


You need to go full NC. Tell your husband. Go through withdrawal from this other guy. If you work with him you need to change jobs immediately. Your husband cannot fight for your marriage if he does not know it is in danger. You also need his help because you will not be able to complete the NC without him.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

bluebonds said:


> I appreciate your message. It tkes 2 to have an affair and like I said, the other guy is not at all interested. He would be really upset if I ever told him that. There's no MC where I live atm. I don' want to hurt my husband's feelings.


Actually it only tales one to have an EA and destroy a marriage.

You need to tell your husband. He needs to know.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Does anyone actually believe this OM knows nothing of her feelings?

Two things 

1/ I find this to be dubious - a woman, goggled eyed and flowing juices having consistent meetings with a grown adult man and he sits there oblivious to any of it? 

What do they talk about?! because for a certainty when in the 'flush' of in love/lust one simply cannot keep the conversation away from personal innuendo and sexually infused content . What's more the eye will be undressing you as you speak. We've all been there - we all know this. 

Unless he's an inanimate object like a piece of wood his not knowing is complete nonsense 

2/ Emotional Attachments. They have already formed this, well she certainly has and he's responded, maybe in an embarrassed guarded way and here's where he's not so innocent because like us all sitting on here he knows full well where this could go

What's he waiting for ? weighing up his own personal destruction capability in his own life ?
Doesn't feel comfortable knowing she is still with her husband and so is waiting for her to jump? knowing he's on to a dead cert?

We don't know enough to be sure but she clearly knows all this. If she didn't she sure does now 
having seen the 'advice' and frankly it is 'advice' in the true sense - she may not like it or want to hear it but it's all validated opinion and hopefully she will make the right decision.

I hope she gets back and tells us what she's going to do about it - good or bad


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> I appreciate your message. It takes 2 to have an affair and like I said, the other guy is not at all interested. He would be really upset if I ever told him that. There's no MC where I live atm. I don' want to hurt my husband's feelings.



As you've already said It takes 2 two tango, but you say he isn't interested. But obviously you already are. It would also appear that you've tactfully tested the waters to find out if he was interested or not for something more then "friends". 

Why don't you reverse the situation and imagine if it was your Husband "falling in love" with another woman and keeping it secret from you. How would you feel? What would you want him to do? How would you act?

For your Husbands sake, its a good thing the OM is not interested in you because you seem to lack the will to withstand falling in love with him. Whats going to happen if the OM changes his mind one day. (Or is that what your waiting for?)


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I have not been in your situation. However, the comparison that you make between your husband and the other man (OM) is no contest. Right now the OM wins 10 out of 10 times and is clearly the better man. Just think about it for a minute and you know that the OM is better. However, the OM is not better than your husband because of the OM's personality traits vs your husband's traits. The OM is better because you only see the wonderful exterior that he projects for others to see. You never get to see the REAL OM. But you see the REAL man known as your husband every day of the week.
> 
> If you think it through, you'll realize that your husband is in a contest that he cannot win. You have an idealized fantasy constructed about the OM. You have reality with your husband. For most people, a fantasy wins out against reality. Give it some thought and try to see the real OM and not the fantasy you constructed. Then you will realize that he isn't nearly as great as you have him built up in your fantasy.


:iagree:

This is really the best describing your, and anyone's situation when you are 'in love' with another person.

You have to realise you are in 'the Fog' as they call it here. You have an addiction, that can ruin your own and others' life.

Please decide to abstain from the drug. 
That is a rational decision at this moment. 
Take it!


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

*Sv: Attracted to someone else*

I would like too add one thing too the discussion. Something disturbed me when I read your OP, you said "there is no possibility of a PA". It's disturbing because your choice of words tells something about your mindset. In your mind, you want an affair. Otherwise it would have been "there is no risk of a PA".
You need to change your mindset on these matters, if you truly wish to avoid your marriage being destroyed by infidelity. I don't wish that on anybody, not even internet strangers.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> If she already made her choice she wouldn't be here asking for advice. She says she feels attracted to another person, not in love. Why make your own scenario?
> As for getting rid of the OM, I agree, that's the advice I gave her too. People really should stop making the worst assumptions. Someone comes here anonymously so has no reason to lie or to seek our validation.
> 
> @ Kasler : if you have no advice and nothing good to say, better say nothing. She has done nothing wrong: she feels attraction for another man. With all due respect, but if you get an erection at the sight of an attractive female, does that make you a bad person? I really think NOT. You feel attraction, you are alive. You're married, not dead.
> ...


I missed this post. Getting wood and having an EA are two completely different things. 

Theres plenty of women other than my GF I'd be physically attracted to, which is I don't make a habit of being too close to them. And if it does got somewhat heavy, then I shut it down, which is what OP here failed to do. 

Shes like most people in an EA, trying to pigeonhole an easy way out, but there is no easy way. Shes trying to say shes sparing her husbands feelings yet hes already asked point blank about the affair. Man is already hurting. 

She needs to woman up, take responsibility for actions, and then they can get past this. 

Because unless you've forgotten, shes lying to her husband currently, and I think thats much more important that telling her that having an EA is ok and natural when it really isn't.

Husband is boxing with an invisible opponent, and because she insist on lying to him hes gonna lose out to a fantasy eventually.

Also, don't presume to know much about me or my circumstances, since one affair nearly killed me, I don't imagine I'll be taking part in any. My karma is clear, shes telling herself things she wants to believe, but I'd rather call her out and inform her of it so she can change rather than justify it like some people are.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

bluebonds said:


> I have been working so hard on my marriage. Dealing by myslef with my problems. It's hard to keep two threads. But during an argument my husband yelled "deal with your ****ing ****" when I told him it was hard for me to feel rejected because of previous depression/anorexia problems I've had in the past. I have NEVER let anyone talk to me like that. EVER. It still eats me when I think about it. I'd say I started developing feellings for my friend after that.


At what point does this girl's husband share the responsibility for her developing feelings for someone else? Taken at face value, how many men would tolerate their wife routinely falling asleep during sex and tell them, ""deal with your ****ing ****", and reject the hot new divorcee with the 38Cs and the killer butt. Bruised egos will push a person to desperate measures and cause you to do things you normally wouldn't. 
Sure, there are others ways to deal with it. When she get enough of it, she could divorce him. But women who really started with a lot of love for their mate, does not divorce the husband until they lose that interest or decides its hopeless to continue.


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## BlackjackBob (Nov 9, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> At what point does this girl's husband share the responsibility for her developing feelings for someone else? Taken at face value, how many men would tolerate their wife routinely falling asleep during sex and tell them, ""deal with your ****ing ****", and reject the hot new divorcee with the 38Cs and the killer butt. Bruised egos will push a person to desperate measures and cause you to do things you normally wouldn't.
> Sure, there are others ways to deal with it. When she get enough of it, she could divorce him. But women who really started with a lot of love for their mate, does not divorce the husband until they lose that interest or decides its hopeless to continue.


Unfaithfulness is inexcusable. Always. As you said yourself, there are other ways of handling it. 

Get a divorce. Seperate. Sit him down and have a serious discussion. MC. One way or another, a constructive decision must be made, for the benefit of BOTH of them. How does her straying help the situation beyond stroking her own ego? The damage that'll cause will significantly outweigh any selfish gratification she'll receive from any degree of an affair. Tossing a pot of oil on a small flame.

Further, who is to say he doesn't see something isn't right, and has naturally lost interest in her sexually because of that? No doubt that needs to be resolved, regardless of who is responsible for his lack of sexual appetite for her. What will her lusting over another man and potentially cheating do to resolve THEIR problem?

He is not responsible for her lusting of another man. She doesn't control the mechanism that causes her infatution with the OM. It's absurd to pin any blame on him for that on the same grounds. Her infatuation with the OM, and potential affair, is about her, and her only. What matters here, is if she is going to do the right thing, starting by cutting the head off of the snake before it strikes. Then work with her husband on addressing whatever is the cause of him not meeting her needs. Regardless of who is to blame for that. Progress is what counts.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bluebonds said:


> *In our stupid society, women can't feel attracted to other people without being treated as wh*res*. Hortensi, thank you for your advice. I have no intention in pursuing anything with another person. These other comments don't affect me as they don't help me. You are right, I have no reaso to lie here and am not seeking validation. Just contructive advice on how to deal with this. I have never felt this attracted to anyone during our relationship and I think it's because we are having problems. I know what I feel for my husband and that I respect him, that's why we have talked about this. I told him at one point that I was afraid of falling in love with this guy. We are really honest and don't hide things from each other. Thanks to all the people that have been trying to help me through this.


Not in the society where I live. Yours might be different.

The problem is, your husband knows of your feelings for the OM. But you lied to your husband and crushed him again.

I know a woman who I would really like to have sex with. Ain't going to happen. Why? I do not want to cheat.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

BlackjackBob said:


> He is not responsible for her lusting of another man. She doesn't control the mechanism that causes her infatution with the OM. It's absurd to pin any blame on him for that on the same grounds.


Notwithstanding the inappropriateness of an affair, or in her case, attraction to another man, one party is a much responsible for providing the necessary ingredients for a good marriage as the other. Perhaps she should have a strong "heart to heart" discussion with him. But, according to the information provided, he is not totally ignorant of her developing feeling for the other guy. If the best he can do is tell her, "deal with your ****ing ****" he will soon be history. Her attraction for the other guy probably demonstrates she's already losing interest in her husband. My observation is that women who have high romantic interest and contented in their marriage they monogamous and don't think about having an affair.
Marriage is like a automobile. If you want it to last, you need to provided the required maintenance.


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## BlackjackBob (Nov 9, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> Notwithstanding the inappropriateness of an affair, or in her case, attraction to another man, one party is a much responsible for providing the necessary ingredients for a good marriage as the other. Perhaps she should have a strong "heart to heart" discussion with him. But, according to the information provided, he is not totally ignorant of her developing feeling for the other guy. If the best he can do is tell her, "deal with your ****ing ****" he will soon be history. Her attraction for the other guy probably demonstrates she's already losing interest in her husband. My observation is that women who have high romantic interest and contented in their marriage they monogamous and don't think about having an affair.
> Marriage is like a automobile. If you want it to last, you need to provided the required maintenance.


Good, faithful, compassionate women (and there are plenty of them out there), don't have affairs when losing interest in there spouses, under the circumstances you described. They terminate the marriage/relationship when all means of resolving whatever problem(s) are ongoing are exhausted. An affair definitely won't add anything positive to the mix.

If this woman is to have an affair, HE is not responsible for it. At all. Regardless of any physical or emotional neglect He MAY be responsible for. An affair is only about, and for the persons involved. It is a means to satisfy personal wants as quickly and frequently as possible. Whatever blame that is his to shoulder, would be a completely seperate, isolated matter. Only linked to any affair as false justification to excuse the affair, if she were do go down that road.

If he is infact neglecting her, for reasons unrelated to her infatuation with the OM, responsibility is ceertainly his to shoulder for the NEGLECT. But in no way is he responsible if she chooses to have an affair. That would fall entirely on her. It would be her wrongful, inexcusable choice alone.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Headspin said:


> Does anyone actually believe this OM knows nothing of her feelings?


Yes, I actually thought the woman liked my friend. He pointed out that it wasn't him it was me and I felt like a complete fool. Yes, this was for six months.


> Marriage is like a automobile. If you want it to last, you need to provided the required maintenance.


 True but, required maintenance doesn't prevent all failures in new or old cars. That's why there are recalls and things called defects that have made people return or get new cars.

Replace cars with marriage!


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Holy cow, some of the comments here are just dripping with judgmental condescension. Some are agonizing over this as if the whole world was going to crash down. 

1. This is not that big of a deal. It is not life-threatening and is not the end of the world. They will survive. Trust me.

2. She hasn't really gotten to know this guy. She is not in love, she has a crush. It happens. It will not last forever. 

2. This is perfectly normal, happens to everyone from time to time. This is not a disease or a mental illness that needs to be cured with drugs or therapy. 




terrence4159 said:


> do your husband a favor and divorce him before you break his heart by cheating. and you WILL cheat. we are all attracted to other people ive been married 7 years attracted to loks of other women never NEVER fantisized or even thought about being in love with someone else.
> 
> PLEASE PLEASE divorce him


Was this sarcasm? Or are you freaking serious?? She can't possibly resist cheating? She should divorce her husband just because she's attracted to someone else? Holy cow. I feel like I'm back in Afghanistan with the Taliban all around me!!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ThePheonix said:


> Notwithstanding the inappropriateness of an affair, or in her case, attraction to another man, one party is a much responsible for providing the necessary ingredients for a good marriage as the other. Perhaps she should have a strong "heart to heart" discussion with him. But, according to the information provided, he is not totally ignorant of her developing feeling for the other guy. If the best he can do is tell her, "deal with your ****ing ****" he will soon be history. Her attraction for the other guy probably demonstrates she's already losing interest in her husband. My observation is that women who have high romantic interest and contented in their marriage they monogamous and don't think about having an affair.
> Marriage is like a automobile. If you want it to last, you need to provided the required maintenance.


They can do His Needs Her Needs and so on. 

But right now she is being unfaithful. She is responsible on her own for this.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

The threads trying to justify infidelity are amazing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Headspin said:


> ....
> 
> Just to get it clear she's saying she thinks she could be in love with a man - how do you get to that specific point with somebody? You don't just sit near somebody and fall in love with em for nothing do you?
> 
> ...


Actually, yes, a person can just sit near somebody and "fall in love". I've had it happen to me on more than one occassion. It's often called "love at first sight".

It's not really love. It's animal attraction.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Theseus said:


> Holy cow, some of the comments here are just dripping with judgmental condescension. Some are agonizing over this as if the whole world was going to crash down.
> 
> 1. This is not that big of a deal. It is not life-threatening and is not the end of the world. They will survive. Trust me.
> 
> ...


A crush is for middle schoolers. 

She shouldn't even TEST her abilities to resist the cheating. No divorce needed of course! Friends of the opposite sex are more susceptible to pose problems such as these for either party.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Actually, yes, a person can just sit near somebody and "fall in love". I've had it happen to me on more than one occassion. It's often called "love at first sight".
> 
> It's not really love. It's animal attraction.


Well there you said it "its not really love" - in my opinion - lust at first sight more like it

Love at first sight is actually a bit more than that - true 'feelings' for someone can't happen without getting to know them in some way however small. Love at _actually first sight_ is something I don't quite believe has ever happened to anybody. Lust yes, not love 

I don't for one second think this guy can be sitting there with her dripping in front of him and he knows nothing 

please


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Theseus said:


> Holy cow, some of the comments here are just dripping with judgmental condescension. Some are agonizing over this *as if the whole world was going to crash down.
> *
> 1. This is not that big of a deal. It is not life-threatening and is not the end of the world. They will survive. Trust me.
> 
> ...


Good God! how naive

YES the whole world,* for these two and others close and around them* *will* come crashing down if she does not do something about it 

YES it IS a big deal

Look, she HAS gotten to know him "sometimes I think I've fallen in love with him"

I'll repeat it because some of you in this thread seem to think this is a very minimal comment that means little 

"sometimes I think I've fallen in love with him"

She's one step away one breath of encouragement from OM away from diving full in. 

I have a feeling should any of you, who think this is 'not much' , have your spouse say this to you you'll be pulling your hair out and it'll will surprise surprise mean a lot more 

Amazing


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Kasler said:


> I missed this post. Getting wood and having an EA are two completely different things.
> 
> Theres plenty of women other than my GF I'd be physically attracted to, which is I don't make a habit of being too close to them. And if it does got somewhat heavy, then I shut it down, which is what OP here failed to do.
> 
> ...



I find this reply of yours to be much more polite and sensible than the previous one. 

Nobody said she should be lying to her H , or that an EA is ok. Definately not me. I encouraged her to stop contact or limit it to the minimum at least. As for the H, communication is a must here. He clearly picked up the vibe. She has to bring it up very gently and find a way to restore the marriage to its good state. That's for sure. I was just calling you out on your unecessary sarcasm and air of superiority from a previous post. Telling someone who came here for help " you already failed" is anything but advice. If you don't have advice, if you can't have say anything good, why put someone down instead? That was what I meant.

I understand that you went thru something devastating and I'm sorry to hear so. It somehow explains the bitterness. Though, do consider that just because your situation ended badly, doesn't mean the OP's will necessary end the same way. We shouldn't take our personal frustrations on other posters. 

As for the karma, it may be clear for now. You have been able to stay strong in your current relationship, kudos. But one day you may meet the "most gorgeous woman you've ever seen", one that just looks so irresistible to you, that you may just find yourself in Blubond's shoes, despite all your strong principles. And, yes it CAN happen to YOU. Just be glad that it hasn't, pray that it won't, and be more understanding to others. This is my point.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> As for the karma, it may be clear for now. You have been able to stay strong in your current relationship, kudos. But one day you may meet the "most gorgeous woman you've ever seen", one that just looks so irresistible to you, that you may just find yourself in Blubond's shoes, despite all your strong principles. *And, yes it CAN happen to YOU.* Just be glad that it hasn't, pray that it won't, and be more understanding to others. This is my point.


See I don't get this

It can't happen if your head is screwed on the right way.

I've had "the most gorgeous woman on earth" come on to me when I was with my wife, even going through not the best times but because of my demeanor, my 'vibe' it was not difficult at all to deflect her advances even nicely.

She 'got it'. She did the womanly thing in putting it out there in the skilful flirtatious sexy way that anybody would *but I did not respond in that slight small way that just leaves that door open* I signed up for the marriage and the woman I already had and that was it. Nothing was tempting. As I often say "in another life one where I was single I'd be the rat up a drain pipe and in" but I'm in this life - not that one.

But I'm married and gorgeous or otherwise it was never going to go wrong in terms of my adultery and I see no reason for any level headed loyal loving spouse to be any different to me

Why do you think it can happen top anyone? Okay 'he's gorgeous and I fancy him' If you love your husband and fancy the pants off him - why is this OM "a temptation"


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

BlackjackBob said:


> Good, faithful, compassionate women (and there are plenty of them out there), don't have affairs when losing interest in there spouses, under the circumstances you described. They terminate the marriage/relationship when all means of resolving whatever problem(s) are ongoing are exhausted. An affair definitely won't add anything positive to the mix.


I agree, it adds nothing positive to the mix, and as you say, there are a number of good faithful women who won't have affairs. But there are a number who will and she is headed in that direction.



Entropy3000 said:


> But right now she is being unfaithful. She is responsible on her own for this.





Entropy3000 said:


> The threads trying to justify infidelity are amazing.


Remember I asked the question, "At what point does this girl's husband share the responsibility for her developing feelings for someone else?" Clearly most feel she bears all the responsibility. Nevertheless, the reality is some spouses will turn to others when they feel neglected or unappreciated, and some will do it just for the excitement. People tend to justify their actions beforehand. But as Blackjack pointed out, ain't no positive gonna come of an affair. 
This girl needs to have a heart to heart with her husband before she plays a game she won't be able to un-play.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Headspin said:


> See I don't get this
> 
> It can't happen if your head is screwed on the right way.
> 
> ...


I do think it can happen to anyone, because it's animal instinct. Attractions do happen, married or not. Nevertheless I do believe that the more in love you are with your spouse, the less likely it is to happen. May be your case, and mine - I rarely even look twice at another guy, let alone have the hots for him...I'm madly in love with my H. But that is MY situation. I'm grateful for it, but understand other people may not be so lucky. Other people's feelings of romantic love may have descreased ( ex the OP ) therefore a "crush" is more likely to happen. Does that make them a bad person? No. Is the OM a temptation? YES. Does the temptation have to be removed by NC ? YES. I think we agree so far. 

Where we still not agree is the way HOW we give the advice. The OP posted the situation. Give the advice in a supportive manner, based on the info provided, NOT based on your own movie scenario on your mind : " Oh, she feels attracted to another man, Omg, what a crime ! She already failed, she wants to sleep with that guy, she WILL sleep with that guy !! Boo booo the cheater !!! "

You get the picture here? From a simple "I'm attracted to another person", people made their own assumption how she wants to cheat- when she clearly stated otherwise- and how she is doomed to fail ( great thing to say or even imply, to someone looking for advice ) 

In my eyes, from feeling attracted to someone, until actually committing adultery is a LOOOONG way. There is such thing as SELF- CONTROL. That's what makes us different from animals. 
Why would you not believe she can use that, and overcome the temptation? Oh, I forgot. Feeling temptation is already a crime. Guilty as charged..lol Raise the scaffold


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

I think she has exited the premises. So stop the fighting. Make love not war.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Yeah, she's long gone. We're beating a dead horse since long..lol. I'm just trying ( in vain) to talk some sense into these people. It appears to me that some don't post to give constructive advice a word of encouragement, but just come to put someone down and feel better about themselves. Sadly, as a result, many people give up using this forum. 
I'm really done here..."gracious bow" Don't want to assist at the virtual " execution" of Bluebonds...lol


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> I do think it can happen to anyone, because it's animal instinct. Attractions do happen, married or not. Nevertheless I do believe that the more in love you are with your spouse, the less likely it is to happen. May be your case, and mine - I rarely even look twice at another guy, let alone have the hots for him...I'm madly in love with my H. But that is MY situation. I'm grateful for it, but understand other people may not be so lucky. Other people's feelings of romantic love may have descreased ( ex the OP ) therefore a "crush" is more likely to happen. Does that make them a bad person? No. Is the OM a temptation? YES. Does the temptation have to be removed by NC ? YES. I think we agree so far.
> 
> Where we still not agree is the way HOW we give the advice. The OP posted the situation. Give the advice in a supportive manner, based on the info provided, NOT based on your own movie scenario on your mind : " Oh, she feels attracted to another man, Omg, what a crime ! She already failed, she wants to sleep with that guy, she WILL sleep with that guy !! Boo booo the cheater !!! "
> 
> ...


The problem with this attitude is theat it treats the person slipping towards an affair as a rational actor. Giving them great, useful information, in a loving supportive environment, that they can consider and digest at their leisure, and make proper, logical decisions to enact the best outcome, right?

Sorry, it doesn't tend to work like that. As a person slips into cheating behaviour, a little a a time, the chemicals in their brain begin to cause effects that will completely overpower their rational thought. Then they will start to construct rationalizations in order to preserve their self image, and the new relationship, in the face of the 'wrongness' (for the lack of the correct term which currently escapes me).

They effectively become addicts, and cannot be trusted to make good, sound choices. That's why posters here can be seemingly overly harsh. They aren't jerks, they aren't taking revenge out on all possible waywards for what happened to them. We have lived this ****, in all it gory, gruesome, horrible reality. From both sided, there are waywards here who are equally harsh, because they know what it is like to lose control. To slip insidiously over the edge, one possibly innocent, believably deniable step at a time.

My wife confided in several people as she drifted into infidelity. People who loved and supported her as a person. A few of them even gave her excellent advice, correct steps to take. Things she knew she should do. Guess what? She ignored them, because what she was doing felt good, all the way along. She was able to compartmentalize and rationalize her choices, because no one along the way presented the cold, hard reality of what she was doing to her in a way that had a chance of breaking through the fog.

You want to know who did that for her? I did. I was the one who stepped in and shattered that ****ing fantasy and dragged her back to real life. And guess what I have to say to those she confided in, those so called 'friends' who supported her through the lead up? **** you all, you aren't friends. A real friend will tell you point blank when you are wrong, will give you consequences, will even defy you for your own good. They will hit you with a metaphorical 2x4 to snap you out of your own stupidity if need be.

That is what happens here for the most part. Yes, there are some posters with a chip on their shoulder, but before you totally condemn them as bitter, lost souls, read the threads here. Not a few, read a lot. The stories here are all the same story at the core. You start to understand that after you spend weeks and months reading people pouring out their anguish, and others sharing their hard earned lessons. Even the posters who seem to carry a chip are trying to help others avoid the pain that they have experienced.

Those being harsh to the op are attempting to get through to her, to help her, to prevent her from making a choice she is on the verge of making, that will take her bad enough situation, and push it into the realm of the unfathomably worse! And you post your kind, caring, and thoughtful words, admonishing those that are so harsh, things aren't so bad really, the op isn't in that much jeopardy, she can be smart, if we all just feel good for her. Look at the op's posts, she is latching on to SOME of what YOU say, because it affirms her, it reassures her. 

While you do say she should do the right thing, she already kind of feels that to some degree, she posted here after all, and that is great. But, she needs to realise, in pretty short order, the scope and magnitude of the danger she is in, of the danger her husband is in. It IS great. The consequences of poor choices could destroy any chance their marriage has, could also plausibly result in injury or even death. Maybe they shouldn't be married. That could be true, but there are far better ways to wind it up then. 

Or perhaps they can have an awesome marriage. Often problems that seem huge, and unsolvable, that seem unique and vexacious to an individual are not all that unique, are not all that intractable, if you reach out and get a little help.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> Yeah, she's long gone. We're beating a dead horse since long..lol. I'm just trying ( in vain) to talk some sense into these people. It appears to me that some don't post to give constructive advice a word of encouragement, but just come to put someone down and feel better about themselves. Sadly, as a result, many people give up using this forum.
> I'm really done here..."gracious bow" Don't want to assist at the virtual " execution" of Bluebonds...lol



You really need to read a lot more of these threads before you rush to judge if the posters are actually sensible or not. Just what exactly is your experience in regards to infidelity? (no sarcasm intended, I am genuinely curious)


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> Yeah, she's long gone. We're beating a dead horse since long..lol. I'm just trying ( in vain) to talk some sense into these people. It appears to me that some don't post to give constructive advice a word of encouragement, but just come to put someone down and feel better about themselves. Sadly, as a result, many people give up using this forum.
> I'm really done here..."gracious bow" Don't want to assist at the virtual " execution" of Bluebonds...lol


For god sakes. It's a forum 

People have opinions

I feel she's had a lot of constructive advice, you don't. We can disagree

One thing you should maybe not forget, infidelity / adultery is NOT palatable and all around you on here, are people who have been on the wrong end of some despicable cheating evil bastards who have wrecked good wholesome lives and most of them probably all actually at some point started / involved a man or woman like this lady being in exactly this situation one gushing and ready to go and the other just needing a bit more encouragement to do the same

Given where it leads to I'd say if he / she receives some advice / opinion they find not agreeable then so be it. You embark on this kind of stuff and you're making a very stiff rod for your back


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

SadandAngry said:


> You really need to read a lot more of these threads before you rush to judge if the posters are actually sensible or not. Just what exactly is your experience in regards to infidelity? (no sarcasm intended, I am genuinely curious)


I have been reading this forum for months before joining. So yes I know, there are plenty of heartbreaking stories about betrayals of all kinds. There are cases and cases. I'm not the one who rushes to judge anyone. I'm against judging if you haven't noticed. Some posters have proven incapable of even debating in a polite manner, let alone be sensible. 

My experience with infidelity: I could write pages and give you a detailed report, but that would take a looooong other thread..lol. 
I'll just say that I have been betrayed. Badly. Long story. 
I have strayed too...no, not proud of it. No, none of it in my current marriage and not with a married person. But still I feel bad about it. Point is, I learnt something from both experiences. 
And I still don't judge people but try to help them see the right way. I don't believe that me or any of you are angels- say what you may say. So, I don't think we have the right to act like we are better than anyone else. 
Yes, it's a forum, and it should be kept civilized and friendly.
Hope this clarified. 
Btw...I will not read anymore so I will no longer answer. It really ruins my mood and is not worth it. I am a positive, open-minded person and bad attitude toward others really doesn't sit well with me. I'd rather read other threads.
Have a great evening everyone.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

But the fact is that she has NOT acted on these feelings. Many here have already started to sew their big Scarlet Letters, and she has simply asked for advice on how to deal with this.

It would be like if your daughter, who was an excellent student with a very bright future ahead of her started listening to rap, then started to find the "gangsta" lifestyle appealing. Then one day, she came to you and asked if you thought that it was a good idea to give creedence to said lifestyle.

Now, if you were a good parent, you would try to show her the risks, the consequences of choosing to follow that sort of life. You would try to show her the reality of such a lifestyle before it got to the point of where she comes to you one day and says: "I've decided to throw away everything that you have taught me and throw away my hard work and dillegence so that I can be some two-bit thug's beeotch for the rest of my life." .


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## bluebonds (Jan 18, 2013)

I'm still here, just been working double shifts and had no time to respond. I'mon a little break now and have read all the messages. People can be very judgmental, especially if they've been hurt. I would never cheat on my husband. I am not a step away from doing it. The attraction thing happened 5 months after we started having problems (and probably only because we had problems). The problm itself is deeper than being just sexual.It hurt me that he wouldn't talk about it. I've always thought we could go through anything together. Until he told me to deal with my f***** sh*t and I felt like I lost my partner. For the first time in five years I felt we were not a couple. I have never considered the possibility of cheating. I will nevertell our friend about it, because I believe what some people have said here: it's not real, it's a fantasy. My intention here was to learn from people who have been in a similar situation how to cope and deal, not find excuses to cheat. I don't have to convince any of you that I won't cheat. Some of you need to grow up and grow out of your grief. I will write more later, because my break is almost finished. It felt good to get it out of my chest and I already feel better about it. Saw our friend and felt nothing. Actually, I thought it was funny that I had those thoughts. To the people that really wanted to help me, a big thank you. Will catch up soon.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Glad that you can see your supposed affection for what it is.

I hope you can sort out the issues within your marriage - marriage is difficult, and takes effort to maintain from both parties.

Good luck.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

bluebonds said:


> I'm still here, just been working double shifts and had no time to respond. I'mon a little break now and have read all the messages. People can be very judgmental, especially if they've been hurt. I would never cheat on my husband. I am not a step away from doing it. The attraction thing happened 5 months after we started having problems (and probably only because we had problems). The problm itself is deeper than being just sexual.It hurt me that he wouldn't talk about it. I've always thought we could go through anything together. Until he told me to deal with my f***** sh*t and I felt like I lost my partner. For the first time in five years I felt we were not a couple. I have never considered the possibility of cheating. I will nevertell our friend about it, because I believe what some people have said here: it's not real, it's a fantasy. My intention here was to learn from people who have been in a similar situation how to cope and deal, not find excuses to cheat. I don't have to convince any of you that I won't cheat. Some of you need to grow up and grow out of your grief. I will write more later, because my break is almost finished. It felt good to get it out of my chest and I already feel better about it. Saw our friend and felt nothing. Actually, I thought it was funny that I had those thoughts. To the people that really wanted to help me, a big thank you. Will catch up soon.


Glad to hear you won't cheat. Commendable
Glad you came back

I have some genuine questions for you....... if you don't mind

You said "sometimes I even think I've fallen in love with him" 
If that is correct you would have had to be behaving in a particular way around him. Anybody that has those feelings 
cannot hide them. He did not know? I find that difficult to believe.

Are you still seeing this man and will you continue to do so?

Also I asked earlier why your h made that comment. It certainly has had a large bearing on how you then felt attracted 
to another man so must have been quite a deal. Why? 

You said here you would never cheat on your husband - has this experience not made you feel that actually you could because you've made the moves that put you on a slope that leads there. I'd say almost without exception every infidelity starts off with what you have been doing, you've been meeting and talking, emotionally you must be just as charged as you are physically- just needs the right responses from both parties to jump up a gear and - hey presto

Also you have little appreciation about infidelity. Grow up "grow out of our grief". I don't ever want to forget or grow out or away from what my wife has done to me and my children - ever. Put in a place that I can deal with sure but not ever forget it. Remembering this will ensure it never happens again for me


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

bluebonds said:


> I'm still here, just been working double shifts and had no time to respond. I'mon a little break now and have read all the messages. People can be very judgmental, especially if they've been hurt. I would never cheat on my husband. I am not a step away from doing it. The attraction thing happened 5 months after we started having problems (and probably only because we had problems). The problm itself is deeper than being just sexual.It hurt me that he wouldn't talk about it. I've always thought we could go through anything together. Until he told me to deal with my f***** sh*t and I felt like I lost my partner. For the first time in five years I felt we were not a couple. I have never considered the possibility of cheating. I will nevertell our friend about it, because I believe what some people have said here: it's not real, it's a fantasy. My intention here was to learn from people who have been in a similar situation how to cope and deal, not find excuses to cheat. I don't have to convince any of you that I won't cheat. Some of you need to grow up and grow out of your grief. I will write more later, because my break is almost finished. It felt good to get it out of my chest and I already feel better about it. Saw our friend and felt nothing. Actually, I thought it was funny that I had those thoughts. To the people that really wanted to help me, a big thank you. Will catch up soon.


Interesting, people need to grow up while you are ignoring and excusing your emotional attachment to another man. Quite Ironic, good luck and I hope for the best. I do not like broken marriages as it hurts everyone.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Headspin said:


> See I don't get this
> 
> It can't happen if your head is screwed on the right way.
> 
> ...


Playing just the tip is a dangerous game. A person can let their ego get in the way. Having good boundaries is critical. Anyone can stray. Anyone. So they need to have adequate boundaries.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Playing just the tip is a dangerous game. A person can let their ego get in the way. Having good boundaries is critical. Anyone can stray. Anyone. So they need to have adequate boundaries.


The key though is the awareness isn't it. Being aware in 'real time' of exactly what is happening when that moment is there.

Maybe some of us simply do not have that fail safe in us. Like many I've been in situations where within a few seconds I've suddenly realized that last comment was for me and me only, to draw me into a different kind of discussion and that my response will pivot to any number of directions.

As a married man even when in tough times I've instantly made it firm but clear that the offered connection cannot be sealed in return _by my demeanor not necessarily by my worded response_, the way I responded overall tells everything. I'd admit to having been flattered and enjoyed that someone would consider me attractive, 'wantable' but therein lies the choice of the cheater or potential cheater. Acting upon it in a 'positive' way is where the real destruction lies.

I've never found this difficult in any way - as a married man or partnered man it was a no brainer. As a single man a completely different animal.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> From a simple "I'm attracted to another person", people made their own assumption how she wants to cheat- when she clearly stated otherwise-
> In my eyes, from feeling attracted to someone, until actually committing adultery is a LOOOONG way.


You must have overlooked the part when she says;
"I feel *extremely attracted* to another man, sometimes I even *think I've fallen in love with him*, and I don't know what to do to stop it. I haven't done anything about it and I think this guy is *not interested in me at all, so no possibility of a PA*."​She said what she meant, and for some here it's as plain as day.

T


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Tony55 said:


> You must have overlooked the part when she says;
> "I feel *extremely attracted* to another man, sometimes I even *think I've fallen in love with him*, and I don't know what to do to stop it. I haven't done anything about it and I think this guy is *not interested in me at all, so no possibility of a PA*."​She said what she meant, and for some here it's as plain as day.
> 
> T


And she posted in the infidelity forum for starters, do even the OP was thinking in terms of cheating. Then she spent all the following post denying cheating could ever happen. So why post it in the cheating section ?


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

bluebonds said:


> I don't have to convince any of you that I won't cheat.
> Saw our friend and felt nothing. Actually, I thought it was funny that I had those thoughts.


Yet you post in 'Coping with Infidelity'.

Two days ago you posted in this forum about this guy, and now you feel nothing for him, and in fact think it's funny that you had those thoughts. Think about that.
_I feel extremely attracted to another man, sometimes I even think I've fallen in love with him, and I don't know what to do to stop it._​Two days ago. 48 hours.

What's really going on here?

T


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Tony55 said:


> Yet you post in 'Coping with Infidelity'.
> 
> Two days ago you posted in this forum about this guy, and now you feel nothing for him, and in fact think it's funny that you had those thoughts. Think about that.
> _I feel extremely attracted to another man, sometimes I even think I've fallen in love with him, and I don't know what to do to stop it._​Two days ago. 48 hours.
> ...


Nothing like some cold, hard reality to wake you up - provided you're not in too foggy an environment.

I'm actually feeling quite respectful to Blue, for 
a) recognising what was going on, 
b) being honest with herself, 
c) doing something about it, 
d) that thing being the right thing.

Coming here was a fairly brave thing to do - and seems to have been at least part of her wake-up call. This is a good thing!

Shouldn't denigrate the process because it seems 'too easy' - little damage was done compared to many other situations on here, and so the fix is relatively simple. It was caught early.

Yay!


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## BlackjackBob (Nov 9, 2012)

Rags said:


> Nothing like some cold, hard reality to wake you up - provided you're not in too foggy an environment.
> 
> I'm actually feeling quite respectful to Blue, for
> a) recognising what was going on,
> ...


IF she ceases contact with the OM. (Not sure if she has or not, haven't read back yet.) And keeps it that way. Nothing positive thus far ultimately matters if she doesn't take care of business.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

bluebonds said:


> I will never tell our friend about it, because I believe what some people have said here: it's not real, it's a fantasy.


 I am glad that you will never tell the friend about it. Although the fantasy part is true, the more compelling reason is that from your husbands point of view, you telling this to the other man would be demeaning to your husband as a man and as your spouse. Telling the other man would also beg the question as to why would you want him to know, unless you were subconsciously fishing to see if the feelings were mutual. Again, you made the right decision on this.


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## BlackjackBob (Nov 9, 2012)

> Two days ago you posted in this forum about this guy, and now you feel nothing for him, and in fact think it's funny that you had those thoughts. Think about that.
> 
> I feel extremely attracted to another man, sometimes I even think I've fallen in love with him, and I don't know what to do to stop it.
> 
> Two days ago. 48 hours.





Shaggy said:


> And she posted in the infidelity forum for starters, do even the OP was thinking in terms of cheating. Then she spent all the following post denying cheating could ever happen. So why post it in the cheating section ?


Some people like to push their bicycle pedals backwards when they snap to it and realize they unwittingly steered themselves to the edge of a steep cliff.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> Yet you post in 'Coping with Infidelity'.
> 
> Two days ago you posted in this forum about this guy, and now you feel nothing for him, and in fact think it's funny that you had those thoughts. Think about that.
> _I feel extremely attracted to another man, sometimes I even think I've fallen in love with him, and I don't know what to do to stop it._​Two days ago. 48 hours.
> ...


This sounds fickle and unstable.. much like a melodramatic teenage girl.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

But I guess thats what the fog can do to people.. glad she wasnt too deep.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

TRy said:


> I am glad that you will never tell the friend about it. Although the fantasy part is true, the more compelling reason is that from your husbands point of view, you telling this to the other man would be demeaning to your husband as a man and as your spouse. Telling the other man would also beg the question as to why would you want him to know, unless you were subconsciously fishing to see if the feelings were mutual. Again, you made the right decision on this.


If she were to tell him, he might then think: "Oh, she's interested in me? Wow! And she's telling me that there's trouble with her marriage? Hmmm...wow, gee-I guess she's looking for a knight in shining armor to rescue the poor damsel in distress!"


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

While I am more-or-less on "her" side, do you think there is the possibility that WE are being "trickle truthed"? For all we know, she could already be pregnant with the OM's kid by now.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

F-102 said:


> While I am more-or-less on "her" side, do you think there is the possibility that WE are being "trickle truthed"? For all we know, she could already be pregnant with the OM's kid by now.


That's kind of a reach, even for CWI!

At some level, we have to take what people say as being at least an indication of truth. In all honesty, we could all of us be entirely different from that which we claim, and this whole site could be fiction. But that would be pointless, so I'll behave as though it's not.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

bluebonds said:


> I'm still here, just been working double shifts and had no time to respond. I'mon a little break now and have read all the messages. People can be very judgmental, especially if they've been hurt. I would never cheat on my husband. I am not a step away from doing it. The attraction thing happened 5 months after we started having problems (and probably only because we had problems). The problm itself is deeper than being just sexual.It hurt me that he wouldn't talk about it. I've always thought we could go through anything together. Until he told me to deal with my f***** sh*t and I felt like I lost my partner. For the first time in five years I felt we were not a couple. I have never considered the possibility of cheating. I will nevertell our friend about it, because I believe what some people have said here: it's not real, it's a fantasy. My intention here was to learn from people who have been in a similar situation how to cope and deal, not find excuses to cheat. I don't have to convince any of you that I won't cheat. Some of you need to grow up and grow out of your grief. I will write more later, because my break is almost finished. It felt good to get it out of my chest and I already feel better about it. Saw our friend and felt nothing. Actually, I thought it was funny that I had those thoughts. To the people that really wanted to help me, a big thank you. Will catch up soon.



Every cheater once said "I'd never cheat on my spouse" or "I'll never become a cheater"

I'm not saying you will, I'm saying OSF are risky when there is attraction.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Headspin said:


> The key though is the awareness isn't it. Being aware in 'real time' of exactly what is happening when that moment is there.
> 
> Maybe some of us simply do not have that fail safe in us. Like many I've been in situations where within a few seconds I've suddenly realized that last comment was for me and me only, to draw me into a different kind of discussion and that my response will pivot to any number of directions.
> 
> ...


The key is actually to avoid the situation altogether is my point. To be savvy enough to know not to go down the road at all.

Not being naive is critical.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Blue, if you ever decide to give the forum another chance, shoot me a private message if you need any help or encouragement.


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