# What to do now with the mess I have



## koala49 (Jul 21, 2009)

I probably already know what is best to do in my situation, I guess I just need someone or lots of people to tell me what they think. I do believe my marriage is over and I need to break free of it but I just dont know how to. These are the things I do in the marriage. I take care of my mother - I wash the clothes - I do the food shopping - I cook dinner - I wash up the dishes and my mum dries - Home is being renovated and I painted the hallway and 4 bedrooms. I have moved rocks in the garden, I have chopped down trees and I tried to paint the outside of the house, I finally just couldnt do it anymore and so I hired someone to finish the painting for me. I paid for the paint, the home to be rendered outside, I paid for the new carpet, I paid for all the furniture we own, I pay for all the food every week, if our dogs get sick or need vet medication I pay for it, I paid for all the paint we used and the brushes and all the new door knobs, the new curtains all the new light fittings. I work full time as well. NOW FOR HIS PART what did he do, he painted outside for half a day and decided he didnt want to do anymore. THATS IT that is his share of everything, he wont even do the yard I have to pay someone to mow and weed, all he does is do up old cars and boats and sell them and the money is used for him, for a motorbike, or for his alcohol or tools he wants to buy. He is still in bed asleep when I leave for work, I come home from work and he is in his shed doing stuff, I call out to him when his dinner is ready and he comes up eats dinner and goes to his shed for the night. I am in bed asleep when he finally come to bed. There is no intimacy at all in the relationship because he smells of oil and grease and his hands are filthy and he doesnt have a bath before he goes to bed so I really cant stand the thought of him touching me. SO WHAT DO I DO, cant stand this anymore I just hate him most of the time. The hard part is he isnt a bad person really. He is kind to other people and will do anything for anyone if they ask him and yet he will do NOTHING FOR ME. Please someone advise me, I know I am being a fool but just dont know what to do. Even my mother is disgusted with the way he talks to me. Because we have a house and its now a beautiful house from my work and my money, but if I tell him to go then he gets money from my toil and labour and my money. I need for him to say he is going if there isnt another way.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

koala49 said:


> but if I tell him to go then he gets money from my toil and labour and my money. I need for him to say he is going if there isnt another way.


I don't know what you mean by that. Please explain.

You have been on these forums for a while and read enough threads to know the common suggestions that people make in situations like yours. If nothing else, you know that counseling is an option and marriage builders is another. Tell me what have you attempted to fix what you see as your problem?


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

It's time to sit down, pour your heart out to HIM and set some boundaries. Set a budget where he is expected to pitch in and if he isn't going to help around the house, then he needs to pay for the work to get done. You mentioned alcohol. I'm wondering if that is a problem? If you believe his drinking is causing these other issues, well that's a whole new game. Either way, you aren't happy, you deserve happiness and you will be the one to decide what you need to do to get it.


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## koala49 (Jul 21, 2009)

Sorry I should have explained a bit better but I had written such a long message already. What I meant is that the home we now have was bought with the money my parents got for selling their home and my husband a I took out a loan to pay the extra. If I was to tell him to go then he is entitled to quite a substantial share of the home. I just dont feel he is entitled to that because he has paid nothing since we came here, all the renovations and things that have gone into the house have come from my money. He wont mow the lawn or do anything to help finish the house. That is what I meant


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

What you inherited from your parents is yours, but anything beyond that is likely to be split 50/50. Get over it. You allowed yourself to be used like this, so consider it the price of experience. IF you cannot rebuild the marriage, that is.

If you aren't interested in trying, and you believe he's had plenty of chances to listen and respond to your concerns about the marriage, then get a lawyer. It seems there are no kids, so that makes it easier. But don't sweat the $$ he gets-it's only for a certain time (spousal support), and you can't do anything about the value of the home improvements, etc. Let go of anger as you let go of him, and work on making sure you know how to love with good boundaries in place so this doesn't happen to you again.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Koala49, I can't be sure you know that for certain. Talk with an attorney so he can inform you accurately of the law in your state. It seems to me he is entitled to x amount despite whose decision it is to dissolve the marriage. But I can't know that for sure either. Nevertheless, you can't use it as an excuse to hold on to dead weight. You demanded nothing of him, and he gave you nothing. You cannot make all the decisions concerning your relationship and expect him to step up. You did way too much. I know women who jumped to purchase their rings when the man proposed or if he simply mentioned marriage. Then they paid for the wedding. Then they pay all the bills. Essentially, they jump the gun and expect nothing, then complain they have a kept husband. I don't know how much of this is you, but you did jump the gun to a regrettable degree. Women today have their own money and think those things are what they are supposed to do. I guess I am old school because I was taught that the man pays for the home. I pay other things to fill the home with for the most part but never the mortgage or light bills and such. As sister359 mentioned, learn to set some boundaries and expectations in your relationships. It's not too late to do that with this one. But again, I am wondering what have you done per my first post.


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## Pkwanderer (Aug 3, 2014)

Tell him your needs & wants. Speak directly. If he doesn't listen, then its splittsville, don't waste further time on him. What use is his goodness if his goodness does nothing for you. I have been through the same. My ex was soo good with everyone except me, so WTF!!! Get someone new, move on.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I agree you need to either be VERY clear and sit down with him. List out all that you do and ask him if he thinks that's fair. Then very clearly state what you expect from him. Instead you always covered for his lack of contribution to the relationship. Pose to him, for instance, you take care of inside, he takes care of outside, does he agree? Does he agree as to what that entails? i.e. mowing once a week including trimming, paint/caulk as needed... whatever, but outline expectations CLEARLY and have his agreement on that. Same with financial help. If you work full time and take care of the inside, then he needs to work full time and take care of the outside. If he doesn't see that as reasonable (or whatever you 'pitch' based on your skill sets) then tell him you would like a divorce. The sooner you do it, the less his 'share' of your assets is.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Major Zombie thread... This is from five years ago.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

What you need are the papers from the sale of your parents house and the money trail to show where the money to buy your current home came from. Then, show how "your money" was gotten and put into the house. You have to prove that his money never went into the house.

That being said, since, his name is on the deed and mortgage, he is consider part owner. Your parents are not part owner. Then, any sale will result in your husband having a share of the proceeds.

Get yourself a good lawyer and necessary paper work. You may have to have your mum/dad insist the original downpayment was a loan. Speak to a lawyer and see how you can get your parents money back. 

Even, if you don't get a divorce now, look into how to get him off the deed or payoff your parents.

Good luck.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Darn...:frown2I wonder what happen to the house...


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