# Another account of a women thinking too much?



## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

:scratchhead: Without going into too much detail I will give a little bit of a backstory.

Married for 25 years, together with husband for 27 years. Two children, one is a sophomore in college other is a senior in high school.

Both H and I work FT job, I help as much as I can with a terminally ill younger sister who lives 2 hours away, my elderly mother is her primary giver. Career at a stand still with not much I can do about it at this time.

H has had issues with porn and after 26 years of remaining faithful he had an 8 month PA, which was over before I ever KNEW about it. Had my suspicions for about a year but it was confirmed after the PA was over.

So we have been working our way back to each other during these past 90 days, I have made a few mistakes with snide remarks that at the time I did not understand how my H would receive my comments. However, for the most part everything has been going pretty smoothly from my perspective.
However, tonight something just set me off. Having just come off of the holiday weekend, I was pretty tired of cooking, cooked all day Thursday, all meals on Friday, Saturday breakfast and lunch and before my oldest daughter headed back to college on Sunday night, I prepared a fairly big dinner of all of her favorites. We had some leftovers so I definitely thought after working 12 hours today I could probably come home and simply warm up some leftovers. The kitchen had not been completely cleaned from last night’s meal as after my eldest left, my youngest was already in bed and my H went to bed within minutes after she left. He sent me texts repeatedly wanting me to come to bed, so I decided to forego cleaning the kitchen. In addition, we have 3 small mini dachshund dogs that at times all sleep with us in our bed (something I have NEVER liked), if I don’t want them in the bed with me I have to be the one that puts away in their crate at night. If I don’t put them away, then I have to deal with them in the bed. My H doesn’t really have preference but he will NEVER put them away unless I b***h about it and then he reluctantly will put them up. Last night, he was wanting me to come to bed but he did not put them in the crate. I had to lock up, turn off all lights, turn off TVs etc. before I could even consider coming to bed but I did without taking care of the kitchen first.

So I come home tonight, both H and youngest daughter sitting in front room watching TV. Kitchen still a mess, dogs have now had an accident in the house, trash over flowing, and all of the left over containers are out and sitting on the counter… EMPTY! It was late and I have to now clean up after the dogs, clean the kitchen before I can even think about starting to prepare something for me to eat for dinner.

So I put down my things, don’t even go into front room because I am so upset and spend the next 30 minutes cleaning. Then I announce I am going to go back out for a quick minute, get in my car and drive a few minutes up the road to a fast food restaurant to pick up something quick to eat. While I am gone I get a call from daughter asking wheren I am going and can I pick her up something to drink while I am out.

I get home within 10 minutes of leaving to find the two of them are still where I left them. Nothing more has been done. I can handle the issue with my daughter with no problem. She has 'Senioritis' but every once in awhile she slacks off and I need to remind her of her responsibilities but of course she is only 17 and still has some maturing to do…

So here is my statement/question: Am I being over emotional or putting too much thought into this?? To me it seems as though I am the only one putting forth an effort. I have read enough posts to know that men cannot read a women’s mind, but to me this does not even need to be something to think about. He was home for at least an hour before me maybe even two. He did nothing to help out with cleaning the dog’s accident, or cleaning the kitchen. Not only did he do nothing to help me out, but he did manage to feed himself, leave the empty containers on the counter for me to clean up. In addition to that, I had already loaded and started the dishwasher. There was not a single dirty dish in the kitchen, however, instead of washing his one plate, glass and silverware, he put everything in the sink for me to take care of. To me, this does not require much thought whatsoever. Am I wrong?

So instead of bringing it up to avoid an argument, I instead retreat to my room, start getting things ready for the next day. I have now been home for an hour and half and he has yet to say anything to me. Not a hello, how was your day, is there anything I can do to help out. It is now almost time for him to come to bed and comes in, acts like nothing had happened and gets ready for bed. WTH???

Someone please help me understand. Do I really need to break this down. I am trying to hard to remedy my part in what lead him to stray but I don’t feel he gets what he needs to do and I am apprehensive in bringing some of this up because I do not want to start a fight over something that I could simply be over reacting to. Men: Is this best it is going to get?


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

HurtingInNC said:


> :scratchhead: Men: Is this best it is going to get?


Absoutely should not be the case. You work full time, so it is expected that he should do half, unless he thinks of you as his servant.

Time for a frank discussion about responsibilities. Most of my friends split up the tasks with their wives based on workload and their own talents. Me, I like cleaning, but wreak havok with laundry. It's all centered around what is truly meant by extra capacity washer, which I spent a premium on. Other than my wife, who cares if I use a boat paddle to stuff everything in?

I remember from your earlier posts that you are trying really hard, but he should be also.

And I'm really sorry about your sister.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You've kind of trained them to be slothful types by just stewing about it and cleaning.

You need to state directly that your job is not to clean up after everyone.

Announce that cleaning up will from now forward be a shared responsibility.

And as for the dogs?

Get them out of your bedroom for crissakes.

Speak up, being silent isn't working for you.


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

You need to say something. He doesn't know anything is wrong and that you would like his help if you don't say something. He is used to you doing all the work and unless you say something, why would anything change??


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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

lbell629 said:


> You need to say something. He doesn't know anything is wrong and that you would like his help if you don't say something. He is used to you doing all the work and unless you say something, why would anything change??


I am a little confused here, he is a grown man [45], do I really need to spell it for him? Common sense and decency would seem appropriate behavior from an adult I would think.

I am sure this is similar to how the conversation would have gone? 

Me:You know when I came to bed last night b/c you wanted me to and the kitchen wasn't cleaned?
Him: Yeah!
Me: Well here we are 24 hours later, you've been home for at least 2 hours, you've not only had something to eat, but nothing has been done in the kitchen since last night except you added the empty containers to the already messy kitchen.
Him: Yeah!
Me: Oh and btw did you know the dog's had an accident, you know the puddle you had to step over to get to the kitchen?
Him: Yeah!
Me: Do you think you could help out with all of this?
Him: Yeah!

I mean from my perspective, I think the thought process of a grown man should have been more along the lines of:

_My wife has worked really hard this past weekend making sure that everyone was taken care of, and then I asked her to come to bed early and she did to make me happy even though she still had other things to do. And here I am already home, maybe I could do something to help her out, I guess I could take out the trash and clean the dog's mess. And maybe she would appreciate not having to come home from a 12 hour work day still having to clean the kitchen, so I could probably load the dishwasher, wipe the counters and maybe even set a plate of food off to side so when she gets here she can relax_.

If the situation were reverse, I know that is what I would have done to make his night easier and more relaxing...

Don't get me wrong, I am not discounting your comment, as a matter fact I appreciate it but I am having a hard time dealing with needing to break this down. We are coming from a very dark place and I would think if nothing else he would try to be a little more sensitive to these things. 

I suppose I really just needed to vent b/c the moment has passed and I will need to bring it up at a different time, which may be for the best as I would less emotional at the time... maybe :-/


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

HurtingInNC said:


> I am a little confused here, he is a grown man [45], do I really need to spell it for him? Common sense and decency would seem appropriate behavior from an adult I would think.
> 
> /


YES! You have to spell it out for him. Your supposition is flawed because you have established for an extended period of time that it is your job to clean up everything. and anything done by him is strictly to "help out."

If nobody will clean up after the dogs then you ought to get rid of the dogs. Put them up for adoption. If anyone protests, then it becomes their 100% responsibility to deal with the dogs. If they won't commit to that? Start the adoption proceeding immediately.

And since the family is so trainable when you clean, you have to change things. Post a job chart with everyone's name on it with daily chores.

And be tough with enforcement.

Until it sticks.

Make this your line in the sand. Let all concerned know that the price of not cleaning up after themselves is a parting of the ways.

If you re not serious about it, then just find those cleaning rags and get to it.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I feel for you--hope you get some help. You story sounds very familiar. I believe I could have written the same story back in 2006 when I reached my boiling point. Husband and I both worked 70 hours a week. Most nights I only got four to five hours of sleep because I had to do ALL household chores after work and before work. I tried talking to the husband and children about the the problem. I even tried begging. Nothing worked. And to rub salt into the wound a couple of years later, the marriage counselor suggested I was wrong to ask for help out of my husband. The counselor felt the children should be doing everything around the house (while hubby watched TV and played video games). 

I'm with you on the fact the household duties should be shared equally. I hope you find a workable solution.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

Don't know if its really more common in certain areas, but I grew up in the south. Sad thing is, many men expect their wife to take care of things around the house, regardless. And I've read that more and more middle aged women realize that marriage only brings servanthood.

My stepfather treated my mother like his servant, and it boiled my blood. Is it possible that he just expects this because of his view of a subservient wife?

If not, he's likely just letting it slide. 

Either way, it is not your fault for being a peacemaker. Seriosuly, though, if you discuss it in a non-confrontational manner, and he tells you that you need to find something you like about it, then I think this will give a real clue about whether he has turned around his thinking after this dark period in your marriage.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

takris said:


> Don't know if its really more common in certain areas, but I grew up in the south. Sad thing is, many men expect their wife to take care of things around the house, regardless. And I've read that more and more middle aged women realize that marriage only brings servanthood.


You may have a point there. My husband really wasn't "Southern" born and bred. Perhaps he just picked up some of the traditions. But, this theory would certainly apply to our marriage counselor.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

I think some people also just have a higher "mess tolerance" than others. It's possible that your husband noticed and figured "oh well it's not that bad, we'll clean it later because I want to watch TV now." For him, it probably wasn't that big of a deal. I think you need to talk to him and divide up the tasks between all of the family members still at home like michzz suggested. Make it his responsibility to do certain things (ie: take out the trash or do the dishes). If he fails and lets the trash pile up, so be it. He's going to have to learn somehow, and if you're cleaning up after him like he's a toddler, then he has no incentive to help out.

I don't know how you can stand to do that many chores! Haha I have way less patience than that; I guess I can last longer in a messy situation. Maybe you can build up your mess tolerance to the point where your husband starts naturally wanting to clean more. 

Anyway, you DO need to spell it out for him; unfortunately your current approach is not working even though it should. You have to try something different.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

Oh yea, and kids SHOULD BE HELPING with pretty much ALL the chores. It takes patience but it's totally worth it in the end.

My parents cracked the whip when it came to chores and I ended up saving them a lot of hassle and stress by helping. Begging and enabling do not work. Asking politely, asking again politely, telling firmly, and telling firmly while shutting off the TV/iPod/computer/phone/whatever and walking your child to the chore DO work. Just be persistent and consistent! If you force chores sometimes but then enable them and let them skip out other times, they'll always try to get out of it. You have to have consistent expectations and they'll soon learn the routine.

I would never tell my parents this, but I am happier and better adjusted now that I'm away from home having had the experience of doing chores. I was shocked when I came to college and so many of the kids didn't know how to do laundry or cook anything other than a microwavable meal. You're really helping your kids out by getting them to help you out.


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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

*UPDATE- Re: Another account of a women thinking too much?*

Thank you all for your comments, don't get me wrong, my daughter is not allowed to use me as her servant/maid. For the most part she does what is needed and what is her responsibilty (chores) if she wants to do the fun things or drive her car or have friends over. A common saying around our house when I get the demands or unreasonable expectations that I will do everything is: *"I'm sorry, but your crown is at the cleaners and your maid is on vacation so I guess that means you have to do it yourself".* However, on this night, she was just hanging around which added to my frustration.

With regards to my H, it is not that he is lazy per se, for the last 5 -6 years he has always worked two jobs and did not get to slow down or stop until after 8 or 9 p.m. His old habits from that time have just not gone away. However, for the last 6 months he has only been working his one FT job. Which I get, he is tired, but hello so am I. With this change, he gets home at least an hour before me but on most days it is at least 2 hours or longer.

I guess what was most frustrating and hurtful is that since the disclosure of his PA, there are times where I start to question if he is making as much of an effort for recovering our marriage as I am. I by no means would say I still don't make mistakes or that am a _clean freak _but I am not a slob either. I decided a long time ago that if I had to forfeit a clean kitchen or livingroom to be able to go watch my daughters either in a play or sporting event, etc., that was more important than not spending quality time with them for the sake a clean house. When they are adults (unless we lived in a pig stye) they will not remember that the house was clean every day but they will remember if I wasn't in the stands or audience on their big day. So the cleanliness itself is not the issue.

My feelings were hurt that it appeared he did not take my feelings in to account as to what I would still have to do AFTER working 12 hours before I could even think about relaxing. But more along the lines of him being selfish and making sure he was taken care of by already eating, and having time to relax.

*But here's the interesting thing*: Last night, I get home from work after working 10 hours and running some errands, and low and behold when I arrive, both my H and D are in the kitchen cooking dinner. I mean a real meal, he is grilling steaks and chicken, she is preparing salad and baked potatoes. The kitchen is NOT is disarray. He has a nice glass of wine set off to the side for me for when I get home. She has the table already set. After dinner, she clears the table and puts the dishes in the dishwasher. We all relax for a bit and watch some TV. When it comes time for bed, my H takes the initiative to lock all the doors, turn off the lights & TV and PUT THE DOGS IN THE CRATE. All of this was done with no prompting from me. I did not speak to either of them about what had transpired the night before however it appears they got it!

So my first question was: _"Where am I?" _and second was _"What have you done with my family!" _of course I did not vocalize these questions. I simply walked up to them both and gave them each a hug and kiss and told them Thank you and that it was greatly appreciated. Of course, I then started to wonder, was he doing all this because he was wanting to have sex... but to my surprise he simply came to bed and wrapped his arms around me and with no sexual overtones, he kissed me (a nice passionate kiss) and we snuggled for the rest of the night.


So go figure!!!

So in return, I woke him up this morning with a pleasant gentle massage around his p***s and thighs which turned into a quick BJ and handjob. He left for work a happy man!!


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I'm glad to hear that there are women who appreciate a man who does housework. I have always helped out. I have been the sole doer of laundry in my house. I put my wife's clothes in the drawers and hang what needs be in the closet where it is at her fingertips. When our kids were baby's, I always took complete control of getting them ready to leave in the mornings because my wife left before I did. I changed as many if not more diapers than she did over the years. I have always done my share of dusting, vacuming, etc, and completely took care of taking out the garbage. Cooking meals has probably been 50/50, and I did all the outside work like mowing the lawn. My wife never demanded I do these things, I guess that's just the way i am. After 18 years, however, she says she wants a divorce because she isn't happy. She says I never do anything to make her feel special. When I mention the house work that I do, she says, "Well, what's so special about that; it would be strange if I did it all wouldn't it? Isn't that your normal duty?"


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