# You've got to be kidding me....I'm devastated



## MyLady (Jan 24, 2012)

I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible but there are so many details! Please read this because I'm in dire need of advice. I'm so thankful I found this forum. Here's my story:

I'm 30 & my husband is 31. We've been together for 6 yrs & married for a little over a year. About 2 months after we began dating, I started to stay at his apartment frequently.It was a complete mess & I asked him if he minded if I tidied up a bit. He readily agreed but before I started I asked him to clear away all his personal stuff because now that we were officially together, I didn't want to stumble upon any of his old "stuff". I realize that everyone had a past & I just wanted to give him that courtesy. So he said he would take care of it & when he let me know everything was settled, I began regularly cleaning up his place. The day before my birthday that year I was cleaning and as I was putting some change in his junk draw, I lifted the canister and saw some pictures underneath. They were modeling pictures of some girl and when I flipped the picture over there was some writing on the back. It basically said something like, "Please keep in touch, I'm going to be attending ____ university & if you are ever in the area, come and see me." I had never seen the picture before so I assumed it was new & when I confronted him about it he said it was an old picture and she was a girl he used to date years ago. I decided to trust him & let it go.

A year later things were going great between us & we were now living together in my condo. Another year goes by and I end up having a miscarriage. We we're really devastated because we had no idea I was even pregnant. It was very traumatic because I had to be rushed into surgery and almost died. We leaned on each other, grieved and got through it. Later that year we had a birthday party for him at a club where he promoted at once a week. He was a night club promoter part time & had a regular full time job. So at the b-day party my sister noticed he was talking to this one particular girl for awhile & I had noticed too but I didn't say anything to him. So the next day I asked him who she was & he said he knew her from his home town and she used to come into this store his father owned a lot when he was yonger. I asked him if he ever dated her & he said no. 2 months later I still had an uneasy feeling about her and I saw her at the club again. I asked my then boyfriend if he ever slept with her & he said no and I said "you swear?" and he assured me that he didn't. So I let it go but I was still suspicious. About 6 months later I went to use his laptop & noticed that he left his myspace page open so I made a split second decision to go through his account. I know it was wrong but I could not shake my suspicion. So I start going through it but I told myself that I was only going to look up whatever I could find on this girl and I wasn't going to go through all of his messges. I noticed he had a lot of messages in there but true to my word I went back about 8 months in his message history and VOILA! I found messages between him and her and basically he was complimenting her on her body there was sexual comments going back and forth. He told her that he was back in town working for his dad & she told him they should meet up behind my back and they both giggled about that. That was the end of the messages so I had no idea if they ever met up. I woke him up out of his sleep and went sick on him. I yelled at him and he finally broke down and admitted he used to casually sleep with her years ago but never while we were together. I was so hurt and after some tears and him begging for my forgiveness, I forgave him. He said that it was only chatting and that she just stroked his ego and he needed that after all the grief we had been through after the miscarriage. He said it was stupid and he would never mess up again.

Fast forward to about 2 years later. Now we are happily married (so I thought) for almost a year. One night his phone rings at about 11pm and he was not in the room and something just made me glance at his phone. I did and noticed there was a girl's name on the caller ID. Immediately my gut told me something was very wrong. The next day I googled her name and stumbled upon some of her modeling pictures. I thought she looked familiar & after racking my brain I realized she was the girl in those pictures I found long ago! I asked him who ____ was because I had seen she called him and he gave me some lame story about how she's a mutual friend of a friend's and she was looking to see if a friend of her's could get a job at the dance club (not strip club) he promoted but he let her know he wasn't promoting anymore (which was true). I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt but I knew he was lying. So this lighted the fire underneath me & when I got home I went into detective mode & searched his computer's browsing history and managed to get into his phone account. I checked 3 months of records and found that in the last 2 months he had made and received calls to & from this number in another state. That state happened to be the same state that the girl in the pictures had went off to for school! There were also ove 300 texts sent between them & 5 picture messages sent by the mystery number. I called it blocked and a girl picked up. I was sick to my stomach. He happened to have a cousin and a good guy friend in that same state so in a round about way I asked him when was the last time he had contacted them. I did this over several days so he wouldn't get suspicious. So when he told me that he hadn't contacted his cousin for over a year and hadn't spoken to his buddy in 6 months, I knew I had him! So armed with all my evidence I confronted him and he denied it but when I brought out the pictures of her from the internet & the phone records he knew he was toast. I told him that I was seriously considering leaving him and that he needed to man up and come clean. SO FINALLY this FOOL tells me that this girl is indeed his ex, the same girl in the picture & she is a pro cheerleader for a pro sports team. Basically he started talking to her again when his team was coming to play the team she worked for. He is a DIE HARD fan & through her he was able to get really cheap tickets. So I said, " You mean to tell me that you were willing to jeopardize your marriage & everything we built so you could go to some sports game??? Yup, you read this right. This idiot basically lied & cheated on me to watch his favorite team play! He claims he never slept with her since we've been together & the only time he's even seen her was when he met her during halftime to give her the money for the tickets. I don't know if I believe him because he is a liar and they had over 300 texts & I could not read them because he erased them. I saw one of the pictures she sent him and it was of her in a sexy bunny halloween costume. He said that he got tickets through her once before when we were dating and since he lied about it then, he didn't know how to come clean now. I'm so disgusted. This was right before the hoilday too so I had to sit through the holidays and smile because I didn't want to ruin our families' holidays. I have tried to forgive him because I don't want to throw away our marriage but how can I ever trust him? We are only a year into our marriage and we just bought a house 3 weeks before I found this out. I feel like cutting my losses and running but I still do love him. He thinks things are somewhat back to normal but I really resent him! I made him sleep on the couch for a few weeks & I have considered divorcing him. I told him I would try to work thingscout but that I couln't promise him anything because I don't know how I can get over this. Help!
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## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

So going behind your back with two different (and beautiful) women (not to say you arent beautiful) and nothing is going on between them? Do you really believe that or are you just lying to yourself in hopes that it isnt true?

He cheated on it, Its rather obvious. Save yourself the trouble and get a divorce because if it happen twice already then it will happen again.


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## MyLady (Jan 24, 2012)

asylumspadez said:


> So going behind your back with two different (and beautiful) women (not to say you arent beautiful) and nothing is going on between them? Do you really believe that or are you just lying to yourself in hopes that it isnt true?
> 
> He cheated on it, Its rather obvious. Save yourself the trouble and get a divorce because if it happen twice already then it will happen again.


I don't know what to do. Even if things didn't get physical, it is still cheating to me. I just don't know if I should give him another chance. I don't want to give up on my marriage but at the same time I don't want to be a fool. Thanks for your advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

I'm sorry, but the likelihood is that he is cheating on you with one or both of these women and lying to you about it so he can keep doing it. He knows that if he spins you a story, he can make you believe it because you love him enough to give him the benefit of the doubt. He doesn't respect you enough to tell you the truth or even stop what he is doing. Chances are high that he will just be more secretive about this behavior and keep doing it anyway. I suspect he is using you for stability, while getting his rocks off on the side. This sounds a lot like what my WH was up to and I discovered that something wasn't quite right about a year into our marriage. This sounds like what a lot of cheaters do, by the way -- plausible lies to keep you fooled.

What you're doing now is called rug-sweeping. You're lying to yourself because you don't want to believe he would hurt you this way. Dig for more evidence. Maybe you can use a keylogger on his computer or a voice activated recorder in his car or something. The best thing you can do for yourself is find out the truth. It sounds to me like he is probably lying. Once you find out the truth, you can decide to either let him have an open marriage or you can draw the line that tells him this is not acceptable to you. 

Of course, you're willing to believe the best in him so without sufficient evidence, you won't even believe what he's up to. Be discreet and careful and don't let him know you're suspicious and get some more evidence before you act. This is a crucial period for you.

I know you love him, but he is definitely disrespecting you. It's your call if you want to tolerate it or not. 

Hang in there. And remember, his behavior is really shady....would he really lie to you to get tickets to a sporting event? Would he really only sex-chat with this girl and not actually hook up with her? And, anyway, is it cheating to you if it wasn't a physical affair with her? Would you do this to him? I doubt it. So don't let him believe it's acceptable for him to do it to you.


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## Debbie Roxs (Dec 30, 2011)

How about a trial separation?


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## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

I think spending time apart is a bad thing because it will make cheating on you (especially if he is doing it now) that much easier on you. Yet its your marriage and you are going to do as you please either way.

Also I know that you love him and you want your marriage to work but eventually you gotta say enough is enough. How many times do you have to catch him doing behind your back and secretly talking to women (with the very high possibility that he is sleeping with them) before you finally wise up to how he really is?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Im sorry hon, but it sounds to me like he has been cheating on you the whole time you have been together. you must be devastated. Can you really trust anything he says to you? Do you really know this person you are married too. Hes using the sport thing as an excuse and you know that dont you?

You both need to sit down and have an honest converstion with each other and if you decide that you wan to stay with him then he must give you TOTAL transparency of emails, cell phones, Facebook, EVERYTHING! If he doesnt agree then he is still hiding stuff from you.

I wish you well x


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

If he's not a cheater (which he very likely is) he's a serial liar. Life with him will most likely mean that you will always live with some degree of lying from him and alway wondering if you really know the truth. Can you live with that? 

FWIW my bet is he cheated on you with both women. Sorry but that's the safer bet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

If my ex was a cheerleader that could get me eagles tickets I would text her 1000 times per month if she could get me a discount...but I would be straight up with my wife that I was only doing it to watch my team.

The lying is a betrayal in itself.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Even if he hasn't physically cheated, he has emotionally cheated with all those texts, emails, pics etc.

This has been going on since basically you knew him, do you think it's going stop?

And then to laugh at the prospect of sleeping with someone behind your back.....total lack of respect.

Overall, he sounds thoughtless, and self centered, he knew from day one you were not comfortable with him contacting other women, he knew it hurt you.....he didn't care.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

you should leave people who cheat are no good 9/10

to much for me to explain what goes on in their mind. Basically leave this man there are better men out there. 

Or you will continue to suffer if you do not leave

best of luck


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