# Mother's Day woulda been our 10 yr Anniversary



## hard2function (Jan 17, 2013)

I signed the final divorce decree today. It should be finalized later this week. Really confused as to what I should do for her if anything on Mother's Day/anniversary. 

I have been reading most of the stories on here since she moved out January 3 but have never posted until now. Here is a brief synopsis of my situation:

I am 43 she is 33. We married May 12, 2003. One year later my younger brother passed away (cancer) and we took in his two children. At the time they were 12 and seven years old. Six months later we had a daughter together. My wife was 24 at the time and basically stepped in to a ready-made family. This was an incredibly stressful time for everyone. 

Once we had our daughter she stopped working in order to take care of the kids and I went to work to support our family. 

Over the years things of been pretty rough. We have gone to counseling together and with the kids to try and work through most of the issues but with very little results. My wife pushed for these things as she could see our situation more clearly than I could at the time. Basically I wasn't committed to the process but went through the motions to appease her. 

Things did not get better they actually got much worse over the years. She tried to get me to see how I was and how our situation was for many years before I realized how bad it had really gotten. I was the ultimate nice guy. Covert contracts, blame shifting, avoidance, always trying to smooth things over and live a "happy life". 

There is somuch more to this story but I don't want to drag it out. What I really need is advice on how to proceed from here. This is where we are now:

She left in January after I found out she was having an EA with one of her "friends" that lives in another state. I filed for divorce and blew up her affair to family and friends the very next day. Looking back I feel like I may have jumped the gun as she said she wanted to separate for one year and see where things went, before I discovered the EA that is. 

Since all of this has happened I've learned so much about myself that I would never have discovered otherwise. She has noticed as well. We are actually getting along better as coparents now than we ever have in our married life. Problem is were getting along so well that I want more than just a coparenting arrangement. She has hinted that there's a possibility of getting back together in the future. So I'm confused. 

I was considering buying her 10 roses to mark our 10 year anniversary Along with a handwritten letter expressing my feelings. Had we not been in this situation, we would be leaving for Hawaii next Sunday to celebrate this milestone. It's always been on her bucket list... And I've always tried to fill that bucket!

Any advice would be appreciated. 

I know it's tough without many details but thank you in advance for any of your responses to my dilemma. 

H2f
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## hard2function (Jan 17, 2013)

I should probably add that I got the old I LYB I N I L WY speech before she started her EA. just this past Friday we went out as friends but ended up flirting with each other sexually and talking all night long. One of the best nights we've had together in the last 5+ years. She told me she loves me and always will but is very confused right now by all that has happened. Says she is worried that now that I have made all these changes some other woman is going to benefit from them and not her. I agreed with her. I was quiet most of the night and just listened and observed. First time we had been together alone since she left. I stayed cool, calm and dispassionate the entire evening. Big difference from the way I would've acted a few months ago...

H2f
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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

H2f,

I would not make any grand gestures on the anniversary date.

Look, you had your problems that contributed to the difficulties within the marriage and she did too.

However, YOU didn't decide to go outside of the marriage. YOU didn't betray your spouse's trust. YOU didn't lie and cover up a relationship did you?

Also, do you know what your X has been up to the last few months? Has she dated? Could it be that she is realizing that you are actually a good "Plan B"? Have you dated?

I hope that you have been receiving counseling to help you with your issues because you can only make so much progress on your own. Has your wife done any counseling?

At the least, finish the divorce and if you want to date her again after, go ahead. However, do NOT let your Nice Guy instincts take over here again. Sorry but your post comes off as someone who is reminiscing fondly about the past when in fact the past was pretty much a image of hel1

You should spend some more time on your own, get out and meet people, take care of your kids and work on yourself before you consider re-engaging with your ex.

Good luck


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## hard2function (Jan 17, 2013)

Toffer - Thank you for your response and very well put advice. I will give a little more detail based on your post.

"I would not make any grand gestures on the anniversary date."
This was my original plan but my thinking changed after our date this past Friday.

"However, YOU didn't decide to go outside of the marriage. YOU didn't betray your spouse's trust. YOU didn't lie and cover up a relationship did you?"
No I did not.

Also, do you know what your X has been up to the last few months? Has she dated? Could it be that she is realizing that you are actually a good "Plan B"? Have you dated?
I am not 100% sure that she hasn't seen someone else at least spontaneously after a night out. For the most part I know who she's with and what's going on in her life but have chose to distance myself and not hover over her like I have in the past. I have not dated anyone else since before we were married. Admittedly I do feel like a very solid plan B. 

"I hope that you have been receiving counseling to help you with your issues because you can only make so much progress on your own. Has your wife done any counseling?"
Yes I have been in IC since October when she dropped the speech on me. I tried to get her to commit to marriage counseling but she thought each of us having our own individual counselor would be best. She stopped going to her IC last month. I have been on this forum daily along with reading books and counseling for the last six months. 

"At the least, finish the divorce and if you want to date her again after, go ahead. However, do NOT let your Nice Guy instincts take over here again. Sorry but your post comes off as someone who is reminiscing fondly about the past when in fact the past was pretty much a image of hel1"
^^^^this I need to work on^^^

"You should spend some more time on your own, get out and meet people, take care of your kids and work on yourself before you consider re-engaging with your ex."
I have been getting out more and working on my issues daily. The hardest part for me is knowing how great our marriage could have been had I only understood these things when it mattered...

H2f
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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

H2f,

"I would not make any grand gestures on the anniversary date."
This was my original plan but my thinking changed after our date this past Friday.

One date does not a marriage make! Look, she's seeing an improved you and liking what she sees. She may also be thinking that while she may be done with you, she doesn't want someone else to have you.

Look, she's the one who called this off in the first place and while your past actions (or lack of actions) may have contributed to this, she also shares some responsibilitiy in the marriage issues. Stop laying it all on yourself!

So to sum up, she's probaly been out test driving other guys. She cheated on you while you remained (and are to this day) faithful. You remain in counseling to continue to work on yourself. She's ended her counseling (I guess because now she's perfect?). She didn't want MC. That's probably because she wanted her EA to progress to the physical level (and do you KNOW if it didn't?) and it and the "single" life she seemed to crave hasn't turned out the way she thought it would. Now she's seeing you in a different light. You fixed yourself because of her affair. You are now the man (plan B) she wants. How has she changed or is she just poised to reap the benefits of all your hard work to make yourself a better person?

Don't you find it ironic that HER affair will make you the man she wants? What's wrong with this picture? Look, even though YOU committed to counseling when everything went south, she didn't care enough to hang around to see if it would help you and your marriage. SHE LEFT. Probably to be with ANOTHER man.

Believe it or not, I am actually very pro staying togetherbut other than one date that went great, what else do you have? You're living with a memory of a woman and a marriage that no longer exists. What's to keep her on the straight and narrow the next time you hit a rough spot in your relationship?


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## hard2function (Jan 17, 2013)

You make some very valid points that I have been overlooking especially since our "date".

She did stop with her counseling because as she put it - "my counselor said I'm cured".

As far as the posom is concerned, he lives four states away. He threw out the bait and initiated. I unfortunately saw most of the text and picture mails between them it was quite graphic. Hard to get that out of my head. Started out friendly and once he threw out a sexual innuendo she jumped on it quicker than the Lakers exit from the playoffs. 
She is however getting ready to go on a weeklong vacation so who knows if they're going to hook up or not. She swears they're no longer doing these things and that she's not ready for any relationship. Kinda hard to believe after it already happened once though. 

Should I just completely let go? Now that we are communicating much better and getting along so well it would seem counterproductive to do the 180 at this point imho. I hate to think I am a Plan B but it sure is starting to look that way...

H2f
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