# Any Advice?? Living with A Grump :(



## srb82 (Jul 4, 2014)

Hi Everybody, 

Any advice on how to handle my husband would be much appreciated. 

Background: Married for about 1.5 years, been together for 10. 

He's under a lot of stress right now and it will not let up until about March of next year. We're also trying to conceive (just starting to try) so I think that is also adding to his stress. I'm trying to be a supportive wife and friend, but honestly sometimes he is just so grumpy about work and he ends up taking it out on me. I need a few quick one-liners that I can try to get him to stop dumping. Everyone has bad days, but I don't want him to ruin mine days with mean comments just because he's mad about work. 

Here's an example: Last night, he didn't get home until very late. Came in and I knew he was in a bad mood right away. I got up and went to the door to say hello and give him a hug... he was just really disinterested (barely moved when I hugged him)... we sat on the couch together, I stopped my show to watch something he'd enjoy more since he had a rough day... he said less than 10 words to me the whole time. One word answers... I asked about his day and unfortunately had to remind him about some stuff he had forgotten that we needed to do (like book a flight). I also asked him to take his plate up when he was going to the bathroom (I've been having to pick up after him A LOT... whole other topic!). He gets up and says "Can you ever say anything nice?" Then goes to bed pissed off at me. 

Typically he is loving caring and kind hubby. When he's stressed... not so much. He gets so self absorbed. Even today, he is still mad that I am "mean" for reminding him to clean up (I ask once, I don't nag! If he doesn't do it, I end up doing it). I get he is under pressure ... but I can't see the next 6 months being remotely good for our new marriage if it's going to be like this so often. 

Any pointers??


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## Garrett (Sep 6, 2014)

Well, I am not good at this sort of thing, but I'll take a shot.

You should just sit down with him, tell him you need a serious talk. Tell him how his attitude has been making you feel lately.

Sometimes we do things and we have no idea the way that it is affecting other people!

Suggest that he reads up on how NOT to bring his work home with him. This is EXTREMELY difficult, because I do it. But it will take some of the stress out of your marriage and relationship.

When he leaves that office, all the problems and troubles should stay there! Worrying about them while he is home with you will do NOTHING but have negative repercussions. 

Take in mind, you are reading advice from someone with Asperger Syndrome! My communication skills are absolutely horrible. Or so I am constantly reminded.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

You can try to talk to him, but it might also sound like an attack on him if he is in a bad mood 24/7 now. Well, he may take it that way. So, pick a time where he seems like in a particularly good mood. Tell him that you realize he is overly stressed and you are willing to do whatever you can to help out with that once he comes home. Ask him to please communicate what he would like from you during these times that he is extra stressed out. Are there things he would like from you specifically? At the same time, keep it calm and try not to sound like you are accusing him of anything. Just let him know that his moods affect your moods because you love him and worry about him being stressed out. 

I read that your H is a surgeon. They have long, stressful hours and you seem to not trust his female staff around him. Does this spill out in to the relationship as well? 

Are you working during the day?

Is there any way to help take some of the stress off? Could it be possible to hold off on trying to conceive for a month or so to see if things at work improve for him? If so, tell him you want to help try and alleviate some stress and you think it might be better to hold off on the baby until after things cool down at work.


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

Men in stressful situations at work are generally unreceptive to coming home and having other demands dumped on them. It's kind of like leaving one job and coming home to a second one.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

My thinking is to just give him space and try to just "be there". When I come home from a stressful day I don’t want a hug and kiss, I just want her to be in the house. Just watching her read or quilt... is all I need. That, in and of itself, destresses me.

If he is a good man then he will make it up to you in his own way. 

The last thing I'd do is confront him about it unless this is a daily occurrence and the overall relationship is sinking fast.

Oh yeah, have a little good finger food on hand that he likes but doesn't need to warm up. Nothing helps a grump than handy comfort food. Then I know my wife loves me.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon srb82
Think about all the things that might cause him stress. For example if you are trying for a baby, it is he enthusiastically supportive, or does he have doubts? Are there any other big issues in your life?

If work stress really is the big issue, he needs to learn to leave the stress behind when he comes home. I have a stressful job, but its forgotten (except for an occasional request for sympathy) when I get home. 

You need to find him when he is in a good mood to talk to him. Do your best not to make it sound like you are blaming him. 

Of course maybe he is just obnoxious and uses stress an an excuse to be disagreeable.....


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> My thinking is to just give him space and try to just "be there". When I come home from a stressful day I don’t want a hug and kiss, I just want her to be in the house. Just watching her read or quilt... is all I need. That, in and of itself, destresses me.
> 
> If he is a good man then he will make it up to you in his own way.
> 
> ...


Yeah, as the resident grumpy person in my household, I agree with this advice. When your H is acting like this, the best thing you can do is de-escalate the situation and try to be thoughtful. I would also just remind him that you love him and thank him for working hard for the family, maybe offer a no-strings massage; in other words, speak his love language and do whatever it is that makes him feel loved.

Having said that, I will say that is no excuse for him to run roughshod over you. If this is becoming a daily occurrence, you need to be straightforward and tell him that while you understand he is under a great deal of stress, you are not the cause of it and he needs to not take it out on you. My wife has had to remind me of this a few times over the years when I get in bad situations, and I was able to calm down and we talked it out.

If he is rational, he will back off and/or apologize. If he isn't, remove yourself from the situation and don't be available as his whipping post. Maintain your self-respect too. You don't want to contribute to his stress level but you don't want to condition him that it is all right to unload on you, either.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Time for massage lotion and a nice massage. 

Take ownership of his stress and help manage it. He'll do his part. Men like physical touch. Sitting at TV, rub his neck, fingernails nicely into his hair and scratch.

Take a walk after dinner. You can put his mind into nice places, you are his wife after all. Hold his hand while you walk. Don't crowd him, but be there. Delay the child until March. Get a puppy. Puppies are always nice. German shepherd dog maybe.

Do your part, don't be on the outside looking in at him. Be there and support him. Initiate sex for a while, do extra things he likes.


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## RealityBites2 (Sep 12, 2014)

Do you have date nights? have one and make it "safe" for you to discuss these issues without being accusative.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

he may have some blood sugar issues, which leads to mood swings. You say he was late coming home from work, and was grumpy when he walked in the door.

Next time, feed him a little food. Don't try to talk with him until maybe 15 minutes AFTER he has eaten. If you see his whole attitude change after eating something....then that is the explanation.


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## srb82 (Jul 4, 2014)

Thank you all for the advice! I know it seems like a small thing, but especially getting the guy perspective is super encouraging. 

I did try the serious talk approach.... We have a system of bringing up issues because he is super defensive and hostile if I tell hims something he is doing, has said or done upsets me. It's an instant fight. We set a time and deal with only one issue... I tried this to talk about him snapping at me. But he just refused to talk and said he had "nothing to say to me". 

This is why I was hoping for a few one-liners to sort of give him a warning shot before just not being in the situation. One concern with just not being around when he acts like that is that we would really get very very little time together. As it is, with his schedule, we're really only home together for a 1-2 hours each night. 

Would it be too aggressive to say "I know you're stressed and really appreciate everything you're doing for us, but I didn't cause your stress so don't dump it on me". Too long?


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## srb82 (Jul 4, 2014)

staarz21 said:


> I read that your H is a surgeon. They have long, stressful hours and you seem to not trust his female staff around him. Does this spill out in to the relationship as well?


Thanks for looking back at our history! We did have some trust issues in the past. The particular female I was uncomfortable with is no longer in the picture. At the time, he did not see that she was not being appropriate... she made it clear and he ended any form of friendship with her. So that hasn't been an issue anymore for him. For me, I still get triggered, but I don't mention anything to him... generally, he's been is such a bad mood that talking to him would just be a fight vs. a supportive, empathetic conversation. So, really, nothing good for me would come of it!


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## CoralReef (Jul 1, 2014)

Sunganani said:


> Do you have date nights? have one and make it "safe" for you to discuss these issues without being accusative.



I think this advice comes from a good place but the last thing I would want during a date night is to be told what I am doing wrong in the relationship.

I'd advise to approach him when his emotions are stable and he hasn't just arrived home from work.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

srb82 said:


> Would it be too aggressive to say "I know you're stressed and really appreciate everything you're doing for us, but I didn't cause your stress so don't dump it on me". Too long?


Ya know, I dump on my wife and she dumps on me. There's a term for it. It's called marriage.

Maybe if you tried being a good shoulder for him and encouraged him he'd reciprocate later.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Sometimes when I'm grumpy my wife will say, having a bad day, huh? That's all it takes to cue me into a course correction.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

srb82 said:


> Thanks for looking back at our history! We did have some trust issues in the past. The particular female I was uncomfortable with is no longer in the picture. At the time, he did not see that she was not being appropriate...* she made it clear and he ended any form of friendship with her.* So that hasn't been an issue anymore for him. For me, I still get triggered, but I don't mention anything to him... generally, he's been is such a bad mood that talking to him would just be a fight vs. a supportive, empathetic conversation. So, really, nothing good for me would come of it!


Well, that's good. Sometimes, it's difficult for men to tell if a woman is hitting on them and vice versa. But when he did figure it out, he told her to get lost, so that's great! 

You never answered if you were also working. I know you said because of his schedule you guys only get 1-2 hours a night together. But never said anything about your schedule. The reason I ask is because you mentioned picking up after him.

If you are staying home, then...it shouldn't really be a problem and if he isn't home most of the day, he can't really be making that big of a mess. If you are working - then he can pick up after himself, but maybe exceptions can be made when he is super stressed at work? I mean little things like his plate - not cleaning up a project he has going on in the garage or anything like that.

Grabbing his plate for him when he is stressed really isn't that hard and is a nice gesture. 

Now, I know you mentioned that picking up after him is a whole other story, but he is rarely home (1-2 hours a night?) how can someone make that big of a mess if they aren't home? I'm not saying it can't happen...I'm curious about this part and what he does to make things so messy. 

He probably didn't like be told what to do as far as the plate went. He probably also didn't want to be reminded of needing to book a flight, which is a one person job. Two people really aren't required for booking flights. You ask when and what time, then you book it. It's easy. 

Being bombarded as soon as he walks in the door is probably also an aggravation when he is stressed. Give him a minute to walk in and get comfortable before giving him a light kiss and handing him a plate of food. My H hates working late (I'm sure most do) so when he does come home, I usually let him go get changed. While he is doing that, I will warm his food and make a plate, grab him a beer, and have it ready for when he comes downstairs. I know not to mention bad news or things that may add more stress to him. After he eats and has a minute to relax he is usually 100 times better than when he walked in the door.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

srb82 said:


> Hi Everybody,
> 
> Any advice on how to handle my husband would be much appreciated.
> 
> ...


The above is higly inappropriate seen the stress he seems to be under

AND

The flirting issues from you other thread

AND

The profession he is in.
You realize the chances of him being in an affair and being divorced before he is 55 are about 100%, right??



Having a baby under these circumstances is a bad idea I think.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

staarz21 said:


> when he does come home, I usually let him go get changed. While he is doing that, I will warm his food and *make a plate*, *grab him a beer*, and have it ready for when he comes downstairs. I know not to mention bad news or things that may add more stress to him. .


Wow, can you come over here too??


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## srb82 (Jul 4, 2014)

See_Listen_Love said:


> The above is higly inappropriate seen the stress he seems to be under
> 
> AND
> 
> ...


I will start this by saying that when I first read your post, I found it incredibly offensive and insulting. I went to read your posts and try to get a better sense of who you are and what your experiences have been that would lead you to such a strong opinion... and after taking some time I think I can respond to your comments now. 

I never asked for advice about when and if to have children with my husband. I only mentioned it as a potential source of additional stress. 

I can see from the outside that the flirting in the past would certainly make the decision to pursue a family seem "risky". You have no idea how much work we have done to address this misstep on his part and the mistrust it generated. Given all those details, I can tell you I feel confident in my marriage and was seeking support on how to handle a difficult situation (not my major life decisions). 

The part of your post that was most offensive was to suggest that there is "about a 100% chance he will have an affair and we will divorce by 55". Not only is this just not factual, it's also incredibly presumptuous and offensive.


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## srb82 (Jul 4, 2014)

Thanks everybody for the ideas! 

I agree, from his perspective, I probably dumped on him when he was already at the end of his rope. On an up note, he was in a much better mood today. We went out to dinner and we he mentioned how he's been thinking about how he manages stress and how he's letting a lot of things he can't control get to him. We had a really good conversation. When asked, I was able to give him some ideas and we'll see how it goes. In the meantime, I think the advice I received will be really useful.


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## srb82 (Jul 4, 2014)

staarz21 said:


> You never answered if you were also working. I know you said because of his schedule you guys only get 1-2 hours a night together. But never said anything about your schedule. The reason I ask is because you mentioned picking up after him.
> 
> If you are staying home, then...it shouldn't really be a problem and if he isn't home most of the day, he can't really be making that big of a mess. If you are working - then he can pick up after himself, but maybe exceptions can be made when he is super stressed at work? I mean little things like his plate - not cleaning up a project he has going on in the garage or anything like that.
> 
> ...


You're right, I missed that part of your message. Yes, I am working also. Because he works longer hours, we have a few things around the house that are his responsibility (picking up after himself, taking out the garbage 2X/week, and helping when we have company coming over). I do 95% (according to him) of anything related to the house, our families, or his life in general! I think picking up after him is a sensitive spot for me because I do so much else for him. In essence, to me, he is actively taking something off his plate and putting it on mine. He gets this and when he's not sleep deprived and exhausted, he's great. I think I need to let it go when he's under so much stress. I worry that it will become a habit (and therefore an major issue), but until that happens I probably just need to let it go. Thank you for helping me see that!


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Sunburn said:


> Men in stressful situations at work are generally unreceptive to coming home and having other demands dumped on them. It's kind of like leaving one job and coming home to a second one.


I guess there are no demands waiting for women after stressful day at work? The only difference is nobody has to tell those demands to the woman, she is so well trained that she already knows what is expected from her


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

If you do not set some boundaries now it will keep corroding your relationship. Stress is part of our lives, we have spouse to lean on them on not to kick them. I myself getting fed up with being a stress kick ball.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

srb82 said:


> The part of your post that was most offensive was to suggest that there is "about a 100% chance he will have an affair and we will divorce by 55". Not only is this just not factual, it's also incredibly presumptuous and offensive.


I know it is true from factual data, the stereotype is here based on reality I am afraid.

Specialists in hospitals, and he is, almost all have a young wife when in their mid fifties. You don't need to believe it by the way. I am just reporting it to give context to the other red flags.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Big Red Flag:

A flirting nurse unbuttoning his shirt in front of everybody?

He is game for them. And they would not do it if there was not already a certain familiarity already. A familiarity of him probably being known as easy target or as a bad boy for the nurses.


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## srb82 (Jul 4, 2014)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Big Red Flag:
> 
> A flirting nurse unbuttoning his shirt in front of everybody?
> 
> He is game for them. And they would not do it if there was not already a certain familiarity already. A familiarity of him probably being known as easy target or as a bad boy for the nurses.


Your comments actually are neither accurate nor informed. You claim to have "data", show it. I'm a researcher, so show me this so called credible information. From what I've seen, it's anecdotal or poorly collected. It also has NOTHING to do with infidelity, or my marriage. 

Again, you either didn't care to or have the ability to read my previous posts accurately. He did not allow that nurse to do that to him and neither did the other married physicians. The poor behaviour is on the nurses, not on my husband who handled the situation appropriately. 

Honestly, you're posts in here and on the rest of the board are extreme and inflammatory. It's not the type of support I'm interested in or find helpful. So while you free to continue to respond to my posts, I will not be reading them. Take care and best of luck to you.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

srb82 said:


> Your comments actually are neither accurate nor informed. You claim to have "data", show it. I'm a researcher, so show me this so called credible information. From what I've seen, it's anecdotal or poorly collected. It also has NOTHING to do with infidelity, or my marriage.


If you are a researcher you sure can follow the construction of facts and logic.

You comments above are not at all like that. I leave it at that.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

See_Listen_Love said:


> If you are a researcher you sure can follow the construction of facts and logic.
> 
> You comments above are not at all like that. I leave it at that.


She's asking you to cite your source material.

Links to the data or it doesnt count.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

This Amazon.com: NOW Foods B-100, 250 Capsules: Health & Personal Care Works better than one liners.

MN (grumpy husband)


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

SamuraiJack said:


> She's asking you to cite your source material.
> 
> Links to the data or it doesnt count.


She does, and that is an incorrect question, based on an assumption that is wrong.

I said it is based on factual data, not that there is a link to something.

The factual data are the insurance personal data of hospital workers, I know from a person handling their data that "all of them specialists have young wives from second marriage when in their fifties". These are real data, from a real person, instead of the little of statistic data that is available.

One can believe that or not, it does not lessen the truth of it. One could try to get these data, but it is privacy protected, so I would not want to.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

See_Listen_Love said:


> She does, and that is an incorrect question, based on an assumption that is wrong.
> 
> I said it is based on factual data, not that there is a link to something.
> 
> ...


They may have second young wives, it's popular among middle aged guys with money. What yo do not know is why they divorced? Many of them might be divorced by their first wives tired of grumpy, and full of themselves husband, who thinks making good money is all he needs to do. Like the OP.


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## Big Tree (Jul 25, 2014)

Give him space and time to de-stress.

On arriving home, allow him to retreat to a comfortable space. Hold off conversations and non-emergencies until he emerges.

When he emerges, you can take time if you need it.

Once you are both done, reengage. Talk. Touch. Back to normal.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

srb82 said:


> Would it be too aggressive to say "I know you're stressed and really appreciate everything you're doing for us, but I didn't cause your stress so don't dump it on me". Too long?


Better to take it to a place of 'You're free to be grumpy but I don't deserve to be your punching bag.'

If he won't tolerate such a thing, try going with "I can see you're stressed. I'm going to go sew something. I'll check in later to see if you want to hang out." And if when you come back he's still snapping at you or refusing to talk, you can get up again and say 'it looks like you want to be alone; I'll be in the other room.'

It's a subtle way to say you see he's acting poorly but also that you won't just sit there and take it (respect me, will you?). And that you're giving him time to think about it and will give him another chance to be decent to you.

Trying to be super sensitive and loving and attentive might work. But if you find yourself having to do that every single night, then you're creating a very dysfunctional situation where he has all the power - we have to keep daddy happy or we'll all be miserable. That's enabling and not healthy for ANY of you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

srb82 said:


> he mentioned how he's been thinking about how he manages stress and how he's letting a lot of things he can't control get to him


Try giving him something like this.

Leave Problems at the Office with the ?Walk in the Door" Rule

I really like this one:


> I work out of my home, and I have a problem separating my business life from my home life. My office is on the lower level of our home, and I often will burden Sue, my wife, with the troubles of my day. This really adds a lot of unneeded stress to her day and does not help mine either!
> A carpenter whom I had hired to build an addition to the house taught me a valuable lesson on what to do with the troubles of my business life. He had a rough first day on the job. A flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric saw quit, and, at the end of the day, his pickup truck refused to start.
> While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door, he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles, and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.
> Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree, and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.
> "Oh, that's my trouble tree," he said. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home. Then, in the morning, I pick them up again." Smiling, he continued, "Funny thing is, when I come out in the morning to pick them up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."


http://www.dentaleconomics.com/arti.../leave-your-troubles-on-the-tree-outside.html


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## srb82 (Jul 4, 2014)

turnera said:


> Try giving him something like this.
> 
> Leave Problems at the Office with the ?Walk in the Door" Rule
> 
> ...


Thank you Tunera for your great advice! I've been lucky in that he seems to have recognized some of this on his own the past few days. Yesterday was another rough day at work and he didn't get home until 10pm. While I could tell he was stressed, he did not dump on me. I also took the advice and did not come at him with all the other stuff that really can wait until another day.


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## srb82 (Jul 4, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> They may have second young wives, it's popular among middle aged guys with money. What yo do not know is why they divorced? Many of them might be divorced by their first wives tired of grumpy, and full of themselves husband, who thinks making good money is all he needs to do. Like the OP.


Exactly. With divorce rates of 50%, lots of men (and women) have second spouses, often with very little to do with infidelity. Suggesting that a particular person has a 100% chance of divorce AND infidelity because of their job is an absurd concept, especially when there was no credible information to back it up. I guess by his "facts", there are no specialists who don't cheat and leave their wives... Funny since I know so many specialists who ADORE their families and are completely devoted. 

On a side note, I don't think my husband is typically a grump or sees his only necessary contribution as financial. This is a rare thing for us, which is why I was so concerned and worried about it becoming a habit.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, when you sense that your husband had a rough day at work. Hold off on "reminding him about stuff he didn't do" until later on.

When you sense your partner is in trouble, you need to be his outlet and supportive of him.

Not demanding and reminding him about crap....

NOW, if he is constantly doing it. You will need to put some time limit on his "venting".......and give him solution, advice etc.

If he is taking it to the extreme, TELL HIM "honey, I really think you should find a new job. I'm sorry but this job is not worth your health and it seems like you are stressing out about your job each and every day. This place is making you miserable and is now effecting our marriage".

Something along the line.

Have you introduced him to on/off work button? I invented it few years back ya know? When I leave work, I forget about work until 8am next day. I know it's easier said then done (and still struggle with it at times) but in general, NO JOB or COMPANY is EVER worth even a MIN of my time outside of it. 

I learned the hard way, VERY hard way.

Here are some one liners you asked for:
"Don't EVER worry about ANYTHING that's out of your control"
"Create a FINE line between work and life"
"Job is like friends, they come and go"
"Don't take your job so seriously"
"Do not become a slave to your job/company"

hope that helps


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## srb82 (Jul 4, 2014)

DoF said:


> Here are some one liners you asked for:
> "Don't EVER worry about ANYTHING that's out of your control"
> "Create a FINE line between work and life"
> "Job is like friends, they come and go"
> ...


It does thank you! 

I also very much appreciate your advice. I own much of why that night went downhill and I can see that now. On one hand, I think he's an adult and is responsible for managing his own emotions. Ultimately, he owns his behavior and how he acts on his feelings. BUT, as his wife and partner, I lacked a consideration for his feelings that night and it wasn't supportive. I've checked myself and he's been great. With the one liners, I think I'll be better prepared to handle any missteps down the road (and I'm sure both him and I will have a few!).


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

srb82 said:


> Exactly. With divorce rates of 50%, lots of men (and women) have second spouses, often with very little to do with infidelity. Suggesting that a particular person has a 100% chance of divorce AND infidelity because of their job is an absurd concept, especially when there was no credible information to back it up. I guess by his "facts", there are no specialists who don't cheat and leave their wives... Funny since I know so many specialists who ADORE their families and are completely devoted.
> 
> On a side note, I don't think my husband is typically a grump or sees his only necessary contribution as financial. This is a rare thing for us, which is why I was so concerned and worried about it becoming a habit.


yeah, it is kind of amazing like "cheater" is the Pavlov response for some posters to any kind of problems, even when there is absolutely no basis to assume cheating has taken place. There are so many personal, character, temperament, work related, kids realate, and other problems that marriages have to deal with, and that can breake them, or make them stronger (if they lucky and smart)


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## srb82 (Jul 4, 2014)

@WandaJ

I know! It's a shame really... though I do think the CWI posts are hugely helpful also, but not every marital problem involves that. I was really shocked by the initial comment about it, but looking into his previous posts they tend to be inflammatory. I think it just comes with the territory of being on a discussion forum, you have to disregard some posts. I will say that the advice I've received has been amazing overall so it wouldn't deter me from offering or trusting the advice! :smthumbup:


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Put his damn dish in the sink! But only if he would do the same for you. Also, men hate the barrage of talk and troubles while trying to decompress from work. I used to do the same thing- but they need some time to switch from work to home mode and anything in between is blah, blah, blah.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

scatty said:


> Put his damn dish in the sink! But only if he would do the same for you.


Ah, but see, that's the rub. He DOESN'T do the same for me - I mean her. lol

I've been picking up my husband's socks littered around the entire house for 35 years. Despite me asking him at least once a year to stop doing it. Has he ever picked up any of mine? No. I'm the woman, so it's my 'job.'

She needs to not set a precedent in which she is the 'provider' of all things domestic simply because she is the woman.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

srb82 said:


> @WandaJ
> 
> I know! It's a shame really... though I do think the CWI posts are hugely helpful also, but not every marital problem involves that. I was really shocked by the initial comment about it, but looking into his previous posts they tend to be inflammatory. I think it just comes with the territory of being on a discussion forum, you have to disregard some posts. I will say that the advice I've received has been amazing overall so it wouldn't deter me from offering or trusting the advice! :smthumbup:


Sorry OP, because of your comment I checked a number of my recent posts, and I refute your comment on inflammatory posts. I try to use logic, arguments, facts to form an opinion about cases, and always look back on threads that have come to an conclusion to see if my advise was wrong or not.

The total of experience, data provided, and logic gives my opinion on your case. It's just my analysis. And the fact that a child will complicate matters, and that often people are praising themselves happy if no children are present when the sh... hits the fan, makes me give that remark now you still do not have children.

Maybe my point is totally exaggerated, sorry then, but at least you should repair your problems, I wish you the best.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Wow... how to say this without "stereotyping"... but here goes.

Physicians are a tough breed. I was married to one for 20 years. They truly are different than the rest of us -- it's what allows them to study hard enough to get into medical school, to pull the ungodly rotations, hospital hours, sleeping at the hospital, delayed gratification for YEARS, putting their life on hold during all the training, fellowships, rotations, etc. Most of us "normal" people could not make it through that.

Surgeons especially are even tougher. At work, they are used to being at the top of the heap -- catered to, every demand met instantly, a high-stress, high-pressure occupation. They make life-or-death (literally) decisions all day long. Very stressful.

It takes a LOOOONNNGGGG time for them to decompress at the end of the work day from the very stressful situations they are in all day long.

I don't really have any advice to offer, except to be aware of that fact.


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## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> I guess there are no demands waiting for women after stressful day at work? The only difference is nobody has to tell those demands to the woman, she is so well trained that she already knows what is expected from her


Oh don't you know? Even in the 21st Century, god forbid the man not have his time to unwind. Nope. The woman has to work, and do every damn thing else, while he relaxes and unwinds, because he wooooorrrrrkkkkkssss sooooooo haaaaaard.

OP tell your husband to get counseling and deal with his ****, or he can hit the road. NO ONE deserves to be dumped on constantly.


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