# Don't know what to do



## ConflictedDad (Jun 13, 2015)

Quick recap of my situation:
Married for 10 years with two kids 8 & 6. My wife was subjected to abuse as a young child which I knew going into our marriage but probably didn't realize the full extent. She and I were both dedicated Christians in the beginning of our marriage. Things were going along fine until we had our first son who has mild autism. My wife started taking him to a psychologist who happened to be a male close to our age. My wife started seeing him for her own therapy at his suggestion after taking our son to him for a few months. Unfortunately, this developed into a full-on emotional and physical affair that lasted for six months. This completely shocked me--I never expected this and it has devastated me. It has been a little over two years since their affair. We filed a complaint against the psychologist (who was rightly dealt with rather harshly). He basically manipulated her into the affair. Her past abuse apparently made her particularly vulnerable to such manipulation. Given that we have two kids that mean everything to me, I decided to give our marriage a chance at reconciliation. I have not been perfect but I've always been a good husband and father. I used to struggle with being quick tempered at times but there has never been abuse and I've improved that area of my life dramatically. Since the affair, she has decided that she isn't a Christian anymore and doesn't know what is truth when it comes to God. This was something we used to share as a couple but know we don't. That's been tough on me but I've been very sensitive to not judge and just be patient and understanding. Everyone has seasons of questioning their faith. However, one of the biggest struggles I'm currently having is that she has started smoking cigarettes. She started right after the affair ended and it has gotten worse over the last two years. I've always hated smoking and I personally think it's disgusting and crazy to start smoking at age 30 (given all that we know about it)! It drives me crazy! I've begged her to stop but she not only refuses but seems to be ramping up how often she smokes. She still tries to hide it from everyone but I get irritated with her when I know she's been smoking....especially when our kids are nearby. I feel like the combination of all the above is making this marriage borderline unbearable for me. I don't want to lose my kids! I go back and forth about which option is more painful. I'm confused as to what to do. I find myself so angry at her inside almost every day even though it may not show up. Any thoughts? Am I crazy for still being married to her? Any Christians out there been through this?


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## Somanylemons (May 2, 2015)

I'm not a Christian so I can't help you there.

I'm sorry for all that you have been through. Your wife was treated appallingly by her therapist. 

I think you need to either go to individual counselling or into marriage therapy, possibly both. I can understand that you might have a phobia of counsellors right now given what has happened, but I still think you need an outside perspective. Even if it leads to a divorce, I still think you need that support. 

As for the smoking, can you encourage your wife to start using vapours rather then cigarettes? I know you want her to stop all together but vaping is a good compromise and less harmful to those around her.

Do you have a trusted minister or pastor who can help you with the religious issues?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

She is treating you as if she were your teenage daughter with an attitude problem, perhaps to see how far she can test your level of compassion before you throw your hands in the air and say you quit, victims of abuse often do this. if you are church going I would suggest you reach out to a pastor or leader in your church for emotional and prayer support.
My husband and I are both Christian but he has a problem with alcohol and it has been trying but some of the people from my church have been great, no judgement just love and support.
You continue to be the best you can and be a good father to your kids, do not give up your faith because of her and do not nag her about the smoking, she has to do that herself and see the possible health implications for your young kids with second hand smoke. 

Her affair was grounds for you to divorce but seeing you have decided to reconcile have you attempted any sort of counselling? She may need individual counselling also.


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