# HELP!! Feel alone and trapped in my marriage



## DodgingRain (Jun 25, 2013)

I feel alone a lot in my marriage (17 years). My SO doesn't want to do the things I want to do. The things she wants to do I find boring. I don't want to have to do the things I want to by myself, why bother being married if that's the case? IF we do something I want to do it always has to be watered down so much to be acceptable to her that I really don't care that much about doing it anymore.

I feel like I'm supposed to go to work, come home, do nothing (a.k.a. watch TV) and do it over again, to me there is no point in living like that, I feel like I'm just waiting to die. Then I have to listen to being told that something is wrong with me because I don't want to do the same thing all the time and if I'm not happy it's my problem.

Our sex life is so-so. Frequency isn't a problem but it's just boring for the same reasons. I was thinking last night when she initiated and was on top that I could have just gone to sleep instead as its just going to be the same thing as last time, been there, done that. I didn't have the heart to say anything about it, it would just make things worse for me anyway. I want some creativity or foreplay out of her.

I'm at the point where I'm completely broken down and don't even bother to suggest things I want to do anymore. What's the point, I'm either going to be told no or have whatever it is so tamed down that I couldn't care less about doing it.

What do I do? I'm miserable and I'm tired of being told there is something wrong with me because I need to do new things and be adventurous to be happy. I've thought about leaving but that means a major financial loss for me and their are kids involved as well so I feel trapped. Lots of days I want to leave work and just stay at a hotel instead of going home, unfortunately I'm to responsible to waste money on something like that. There is no one else involved, I'm not having an affair and there isn't anyone I'm interested in.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So start doing the things you want to do without her. If she doesnt want to be left behind, then she will join in. lf not, then she wont. You say the things she wants to do are boring, so do you join her or not? If someone doesnt share the same interests, then you are better off to do them on your own and make yourself happy, because if they go along to appease you, then it only makes it miserable. Plus it IS healthy for people to have their own individual interests, anyway. 

Have you tried MC?


----------



## DodgingRain (Jun 25, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> So start doing the things you want to do without her. If she doesnt want to be left behind, then she will join in. lf not, then she wont. You say the things she wants to do are boring, so do you join her or not? If someone doesnt share the same interests, then you are better off to do them on your own and make yourself happy, because if they go along to appease you, then it only makes it miserable. Plus it IS healthy for people to have their own individual interests, anyway.
> Have you tried MC?


Have not done MC, to me that's kind of like admitting failure. I don't expect her to do everything I want to do together but it would be nice to do some of the things I want to do together so I can share them with her. Isn't that the point of marriage, to have someone to share your life with? Right now I've pretty much given up suggesting anything because of the constant rejection, and yes, we do do things she wants to do even though I don't want to do them. The marriage feels like all responsibility, obligation, and work with nothing else, might as well just stay at work.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Have you told her this?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Admitting failure? To me, the failure is in not using the resources, like professional counselors who know what the hell they're doing, to improve your marriage.

And if you want things to change, change them.


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Your situation is so similiar to mine, it's eerie. My husband complained of the same things: boredom (not sexual), need for adventure, do more things together and not act as if we are co-habitating.

However, he sought out another woman instead of talking openly to me or mentioning MC. Please don't do to your wife what my husband did to me.

Talk to her. Really discuss your feelings when you are alone and face to face.

Once I finally got my head out of the sand and realized that I needed to "listen more to him" when he spoke, our marriage started to improved.

We still have a lot of work ahead of us for me to completely trust him again but we are BOTH working on mending hurt feelings and disappointments.

Communication is the key. Tell her exactly what you wrote in your initial post.


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

Hello Dodging Rain,

Have you tried a rain coat / umbrella? _(A little joke, did it put a smile on your face? )_

*Q.* When was the last time you *REALLY* talked to each other about any problems in your marriage?

*Q.* Do you have any hobbies?

*Q.* Does she have any hobbies?

*Q.* Do you and your wife share any hobbies together eg. walking, museums, debating about a topic that both of you are interested in etc?

*Q.* When was the last time you went on a date with her?

*Q.* Do YOU have inner happiness, I'm not talking about home or work, I'm talking about YOU?

Here own these sage words:


> It's fine to celebrate success but it is more important to heed the lessons of failure - Bill Gates


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I understand completely, I too am not a TV watcher and I do not care to play video games for endless hours like my husband. I feel it is a such a waste of time and I feel life is too precious to waste it like this. I have been married 21 years, husband is over weight and not real motivated. I finally stopped waiting for him and started doing my own thing, finding friends who wanted to do things with me. Sure, it is not what I thought I signed up for but if your spouse has no interest in being active what do you do? I think the sex thing goes both ways too. Perhaps something that just happens mutually with time? I don't know. I do know that I am not attracted to hubby anymore and quite honestly I am not sure he was ever attracted to me.


----------



## VeggieMom (Jun 25, 2013)

My spouse and I have gone to MC and the therapist was excellent in suggesting some fun sex books, guidelines for dates, and ways to share time and common interests together. In my case my spouse did not do his homework and we have issues. But I think for a couple where there just needs to be some motivation and suggestions on how to get out of the rut, a MC can be great.


----------



## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

3xnocharm is exactly right. Do these things without her. Find a social networking site in your area and find others that have your common interests. Yes, it is important to do things together with your wife and family but it is also important to do things individually. If she wants to sit home and watch reruns of Rosanne, great. That's her perrogative. If you want to jump out of a plane at 10,000 feet, go for it. 

You also need to meet in the middle somewhere too. And perhaps that middle means doing something the kids want to do. Like go bowling or go to a water park. It may not be your 1st choice and it may not be her 1st choice but it is something you are doing together. 

And of course she should do a couple things you like without a fuss and vice versa. 

You need to change your mindset about marriage. You don't need to do everything together. And if she doesn't want to do something then don't act like a martyr by sitting around, watching TV and feeling sorry for yourself. Resentment has a way of growing. Just say, "OK, then I'll see you later" and go. But find that happy medium because you don't want to alienate your family either.


----------



## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Getting help is not admitting failure but you do have to admit that you are BOTH failing to meet each other's needs, no?

Will she participate in some type of mutual marriage building activity? For instance, we started doing the 5 Love Languages tests and worked on restoring intimacy. 

Next, I want to do the His Needs, Her Needs stuff. 

I don't like a lot of Hubs hobbies, and he doesn't like mine BUT we are both willing to compromise on some of these in the interest of spending time together.

What are each of you willing to compromise on?


----------



## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Oh, and the sex thing. I'm guessing that maybe subconsiously you are thinking, "OK, you didn't want to do what I wanted to do so I'm not going to give you what you want". Especially if she initiates. Could be a power struggle going on. An (unintentional) passive aggressive punishment?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Also, read His Needs Her Needs - together. Every night when you go to bed, read a chapter. LEARN about what it takes to have a healthy, thriving marriage.


----------



## DodgingRain (Jun 25, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> Have you told her this?


Yes, I've told her I'm not happy and don't feel like it's ok to even suggest things I want to do any more. She tells me that something is wrong with me because I'm not happy with how things are or that I should try and find one small thing during the day that makes me happy and I should just put up with the rest. I feel like I'm supposed to work all day, then go home and do what I'm told and like it.





> Admitting failure? To me, the failure is in not using the resources, like professional counselors who know what the hell they're doing, to improve your marriage.


Of course it's admitting failure. If I wasn't failing there wouldn't need a counselor. I'm probably avoiding that as I don't want to consider this being the end of things.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How is seeing a counselor being the end of things? It should be the beginning of a better marriage.

DR, here is the one truth you need to carry away from this, if nothing else: YOU have control over part of this situation and expecting HER to change will get you nothing but resentful. You want change? Then change.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

If you don't know the syllabus, you will fail. 

You have come here to seeking the knowledge. That;s a good first step at bringing back your relationship. You have been given good advice so far. 

It is true most don't look for help until the marriage is broke. That is the mistake. One should seek out information to make a good marriage. It's a shame most don't. 

Be the leader of your relationship. You can look at MC as a positive step to improve your relationship. Think of it as a hired guide pointing the direction you need to follow. If your not ready for that yet, here are some reads you can get a lot out of to start things in the right direction. 

His Needs, Her Needs: Willard F. Jr. Harley

No More Mr Nice Guy: Robert A. Glover

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay

You can bring back desire, romance and intimacy to your marriage.


----------



## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

MC's are a waste of money. Lookup the success stats. Your experiencing what many couples go through. My wife only started to listen after I didn't come home one weekend. I'd been coming home like clock work for 20 years. I went to a motel one Friday unannounced and it was worth the $200. After two days of me not talking to her she had an epiphany. My wife actually said "I never thought you'd leave". In other words she thought she could neglect our relationship and thought I would still be there on the sofa. She didn't think she needed to take any responsibility for the relationship. She couldn't imagine I had these strong feelings, but actually I had been telling her very clearly what I needed for years. Apparently, I was supposed to accept her passive aggressive excuses forever. Yep, here comes the old paycheck mule and his feelings are not important because he's the bad guy after all. 

My loyalty and sense of responsibility meant nothing to her and she needed a wake up call. Your wife does not think you deserve her respect or her active participation during sex. She's convinced herself that your the problem and you should just buck up and deal with it. She most likely harbors resentment towards you which could explain her disinterest (All of this assumes your not verbally or physcally abusive by the way). 

The only chance to turn her around is to start looking and acting like a new man with a serious plan. You need to change your behavior first and then hers might eventually follow. It basically depends on your wife's outlook and mental health. You need to start mentally and physically preparing yourself for divorce, but be nice about it. Get some new clothes, work out more, do something regular with friends, but always treat her with civilized indifference. 

Generally, you need to find activities to do without her and make sure she knows your damm happy about it. Don't ever let her see you stress over the relationship again if you can manage it. I lost it a few times over a span of 4 months but it still worked. Don't let her cook, clean or do laundry for you anymore. You want to act like a truely independent man. You may have to do this for months, but if she doesn't react after its clear you lost interest then you have a hard decision to make. If she does react positively and shifts her attention back to you then you have to start dating/courting her again or you will miss your opportunity to save the marriage. You can't nice your way back into her heart at first since you basically niced your way out of it. She needs to respect you first and then the attraction might come back. 

Disclaimer: Just be aware that after you play this little game and it works well you might resent her for it and realize it's not worth the effort.

Peace


----------



## DodgingRain (Jun 25, 2013)

hmmm..... not sure.

As far as the sex thing goes she seems ok with it. A typical session involves me deciding what the foreplay is, doing all of the foreplay sometimes for hours, getting her off first (hard to fake female ejaculation so I'm pretty sure she isn't faking) and then I get to. I'm tired of doing all of the work. I'm tired of spending a couple hours to get her there and it never going the other way. I have to be the one to come up with all of the ideas to keep in interesting and deal with the rejection when she says no to most of them. She isn't a dumb girl, she has a college degree in a science field I don't think it should be too much to ask a for a little creativity or something out of her.

Ugh.... don't even get me started on that college degree. I took care of the kids so she could get it done and has she done anything at all with it, nope.

And yes, I do have hobbies. She has controlled how much I can do with them. For example, I do music and wanted to try playing in a band. That was a no, I guess it's only ok if I'm in a room by myself where she has control? I'm into cars also. So I finally decided to buy a sports car for fun. Instead of me getting what I want for my hobby, I was told it had to seat 4 so the whole family can go, of course the whole family went once and no longer want to go, and now I have a car I didn't really want that no one drives. Same with the motorcycle, she limited what I could get, justifying it based on "safety" reasons, so now I have one of those I don't really like that much either. So pretty much the stuff I want to do for hobbies are off limits or so limited I don't really enjoy them. Oh yah, then when I want to get rid of stuff I never really wanted and no one uses like the car or cycle I'm told I shouldn't sell them? What's with that? I could go on other hobbies. Pretty much every hobby goes that way until all the fun is beaten out of it.

Money isn't the issue here either, we have enough that we both pretty much spend what we want. I don't put limits on the tons of shoes, clothes, or her OCD thing with groceries that is sometimes several hundred dollars a week not including eating out, etc. Why anyone would consistently need $400 of groceries in a week for two adults and 2 kids when you eat out several times and maybe eat at home once a day at most I don't understand, guess we are preparing for nuclear fallout or something. :scratchhead:

Of course I make 75% of the money as well and have to take on all the risks at work during the day to maintain the lifestyle. Essentially it feels like I have to be a risk taker and superhuman at work all day and then come home and have my personality suppressed to the level that is "acceptable" to her.

And yes, there has been a ton of jealousy on her part in the past so at this point I really don't have any friends left to do anything with even if I wanted to.

Largely at this point I feel alone, isolated, repressed, and used. Kinda of like the mule you keep tied up in the backyard, feed scraps and make do all the heavy work. I don't wanna feel that way but I also don't want to blow up everything I've spend 40 years putting together. I'm tired of holding up my part of the agreements and her doing the bare minimum.

Ummm.... ya, been at the point of not bothering to come home and staying at a hotel instead for about the last 3 years. I'm just having trouble justifying doing it. Been at the point of just dumping the bank accounts into cash and disappearing as well.

Sooooooooooooooooooooo fricking (sorry for my language) frustrated at this point, tired of feeling like all my needs are ignored or not ok.


----------



## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Wah, wah, wah.

I feel for your position DR, but you got no one to blame but yourself. You're leading a passive life (i.e. not buying the stuff you want to buy in order to satisfy wife) and blaming your wife for why things are not satisfactory to you.

It's not your wife's fault that you don't stand up and do what you want to do. It's your responsibility, not hers.

My suggestion is to start taking control of things. Sell the four-seater car and the motorcycle and get something that YOU want. No one is going to live for you except for you. Stop caring what she says and stop looking for approval from Mommy. 

You're pointing a finger at her for all your perceived problems. What you have to remember is that when you're point a finger at somebody, there's four more pointing straight back at you. 

If you want to make a change, then change. Chances are wife will find you more interesting & more attractive. If you're bored, I'll bet she's bored too.

Also, not to be cliche here, but this sounds an awful lot like a mid-life crisis on your part. You may want to Google that and learn a little from others on why these situations happen and what you can do to deal with them. Although you see counselors as defeat, I would suggest individual counseling for you. She's not the problem. You are. 

Best of luck.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I think you need to hear it bluntly. 

*What are you doing or planing to do about it, other than whining or bailing?* 

Did you come here for ideas to help your situation or to find someone to feel sorry for you? 

You will get plenty of help, but not much empathy if you just want to whine. 

If you bail you problems will just travel with you. 

Good luck.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

DodgingRain said:


> hmmm..... not sure.
> 
> As far as the sex thing goes she seems ok with it. A typical session involves me deciding what the foreplay is, doing all of the foreplay sometimes for hours, getting her off first (hard to fake female ejaculation so I'm pretty sure she isn't faking) and then I get to. I'm tired of doing all of the work. *I'm tired of spending a couple hours to get her there and it never going the other way*. I have to be the one to come up with all of the ideas to keep in interesting and deal with the rejection when she says no to most of them. She isn't a dumb girl, she has a college degree in a science field I don't think it should be too much to ask a for a little creativity or something out of her.
> 
> ...


Everything bolded is what YOU DO TO YOURSELF. Seriously. NONE of that stuff is anything YOU HAD TO DO. You LET her tell you know. She can say no til the cows come home; doesn't mean you have to DO WHAT SHE SAYS.

Man or mouse?



DodgingRain said:


> Been at the point of just dumping the bank accounts into cash and disappearing as well.


OH, right, because THAT would be the mature, manly thing to do, right? You're so afraid of standing up to this woman that it's easier to fake your death and disappear?

Do you realize what you sound like?


----------



## DodgingRain (Jun 25, 2013)

So if I understand this correctly I am supposed to ignore her feelings and do what I want? Seems selfish to me and doesn't really make any sense if I want to stay married at all. Sounds like a plan for failure with a dose of legitimization via MC.:scratchhead: Decisions are not made in a vacuum without taking into consideration others involved nor is happiness primarily driven by internal factors. You can make anyone unhappy by changing their environment, it just depends on how complacent of a person they are so implying someone has internal issues if they are unhappy because of their marriage is kind of silly. If someone is beat in the head with a stick(external factor) they are going to be unhappy, if they are still happy then they do have internal issues. Emotions are no different.



> What are you doing or planning to do about it, other than whining or bailing?


First off I have not done either except whine about it here. There is a big difference between wanting to do something and doing it. If I was that irresponsible I probably wouldn't have stayed married to anyone this long. Second, that would be exactly what I'm trying to figure out, if I had a solution I wouldn't be here at all. I'm not trying to place blame I'm trying to find a viable solution that has some chance of success.



> You're pointing a finger at her for all your perceived problems. What you have to remember is that when you're point a finger at somebody, there's four more pointing straight back at you.


 It depends on how one holds their hand, those four fingers could be pointing to the left or right instead of back.



> Also, not to be cliche here, but this sounds an awful lot like a mid-life crisis on your part. You may want to Google that and learn a little from others on why these situations happen and what you can do to deal with them.


So your saying if I want to do something new it must be driven by midlife crisis just because I'm 40? Nothing I want to do is something I wouldn't have done 20 years ago if I had the means and life stability in place. I've driven sports cars my entire life until I had to give them up because of having kids and not having the finances at the time to deal with extra vehicles, etc. I didn't drive a car with more than 2 seats until our first daughter. I've also done music since I was about 9 so unless I started my midlife crisis at about 10 I don't think your on target.



> You will get plenty of help, but not much empathy if you just want to whine.


I don't want either. I want understanding and solutions.

I guess are we going to have a serious discussion or not?


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

DodgingRain said:


> I don't want either. I want understanding and solutions.
> 
> I guess are we going to have a serious discussion or not?


Well it seems you're not understanding us or our discussions either. 

Again I suggest you try and read this and see where our solutions and understandings are based. Try to understand what we are talking about. Then come back and start the discussions. 

Here's the link

No More Mr Nice Guy


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

Hello Dodging Rain,

This will sound to rude, but take no offence!! YOU wanted this - "I want understanding and solutions." So here's mine.



FlyingThePhoenix said:


> *Q.* Do YOU have inner happiness, I'm not talking about home or work, I'm talking about YOU?


You can answer the above question if you want. But your thread title says it ALL! 

You are a husband and father, but a man? Look in the mirror and slap yourself until it hurts, when you say OUCH, that means you do feel something, don’t you! You are man without any balls in this marriage, why? Because your wife took them out of your trousers a long time ago, meaning your just a husband and father.

*1.* Man – _YOU_
*2.* Husband – _Job title only_
*3.* Father – _Job title only_

*All three should be "MAN + Job Title" When did you stop being a MAN in this marriage?*

You need to MAN-UP and stand up to your wife and have an adult conversation about boundaries, what is acceptable to YOU and where she must leave you alone for your own time so that YOU can find your OWN inner happiness first.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

They are saying.... take a stand. If you are truly miserable then YOU have to do something about it. 

There are two choices:

1. Accept that you can't change anything and continue on.
2. CHANGE something

The things you want to change may not sit right with your wife at first. She may be p*ssed because you are changing things. She may be confused. SHE may think you are having a mid-life crisis. 

So what? That's not so bad. The thing is.... maybe she will "get it", and maybe she'll come around and appreciate these changes. 

What is the worst that would happen if you stand up for yourself.... sell the car and the motorcycle and get something YOU want? If you wanted to soften the blow (depending on her level of pisstivity) then you could sell both vehicles and split the money 50/50. 

Think of some ways to make your life more enjoyable. Maybe it will spill over onto her, maybe it won't.... but your life will BE more enjoyable!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go buy the book No More Mr Nice Guy and read it. Then you will understand what we are saying.


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

If I knew my husband was resentful of PIV sex and didn't enjoy getting me off sexually, I wouldn't burden him anymore.  Fortunately, he says he loves getting me off. 

While 2 hours does seem excessive (not more than 1 for me and a < 30 minutes if the frequency is lower). Maybe it takes her two hours because she can feel the resentment (and your deflated manhood)?

I suggest stop using the porn and try to appreciate and value that you have no complaints about sexual *frequency*. The women in the porn are ACTORS. They are PAID to look like they get off in minutes from all manner of sometimes degrading activity.

Or DIVORCE your wife so she can find someone who loves her and will appreciate PIV sexual frequency 
and hire a prostitute who will ACT the way you want
or move on to what you think is a greener grass LTR and risk a sexless marriage (read some of the threads @ here).


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

DodgingRain said:


> Frequency isn't a problem but it's just boring for the same reasons. I was thinking last night when she initiated and was on top that I could have just gone to sleep instead as its just going to be the same thing as last time, been there, done that.


^^Seems to me there are plenty of men who would think they had died and gone to heaven if ^^ happened instead of feeling "bored... alone and trapped"

Maybe you should do your wife a favor and let her go so someone who will appreciate her initiative and interest can snap her up.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

We are all responsible for our own happiness.

With that said, I DO feel that your wife should put more effort into your marriage. However, she needs to first HEAR from you everything you have shared here. She sounds very controlling & you sound very resentful & bitter & perhaps depressed.

You are a Father. Don't your children bring you any happiness & joy? Do you not do "shared" activities as a family?

I don't see you as being very open thus far to any of the suggestions made here, ie, MC, reading books, etc. to maybe help make your marriage stronger. You also don't say that you love or even like your wife.

Is it possible that you want a divorce instead of working on the marriage?


----------



## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

DodgingRain said:


> So if I understand this correctly I am supposed to ignore her feelings and do what I want? Seems selfish to me and doesn't really make any sense if I want to stay married at all. Sounds like a plan for failure with a dose of legitimization via MC.:scratchhead: Decisions are not made in a vacuum without taking into consideration others involved nor is happiness primarily driven by internal factors. You can make anyone unhappy by changing their environment, it just depends on how complacent of a person they are so implying someone has internal issues if they are unhappy because of their marriage is kind of silly. If someone is beat in the head with a stick(external factor) they are going to be unhappy, if they are still happy then they do have internal issues. Emotions are no different.
> 
> First off I have not done either except whine about it here. There is a big difference between wanting to do something and doing it. If I was that irresponsible I probably wouldn't have stayed married to anyone this long. Second, that would be exactly what I'm trying to figure out, if I had a solution I wouldn't be here at all. I'm not trying to place blame I'm trying to find a viable solution that has some chance of success.
> 
> ...




You lost your man card brother. Everything you think you know isn't working is it? You have bought into the myth that women want a sensitive man. You believe your wife should understand what makes you happy, but her brain isn't wired the same way as yours. You'll wake up eventually and understand that women only respect men who take care of their needs first. You need to lead and if she doesn't follow there are plenty who will.


----------



## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

DodgingRain said:


> So your saying if I want to do something new it must be driven by midlife crisis just because I'm 40? Nothing I want to do is something I wouldn't have done 20 years ago if I had the means and life stability in place. I've driven sports cars my entire life until I had to give them up because of having kids and not having the finances at the time to deal with extra vehicles, etc. I didn't drive a car with more than 2 seats until our first daughter. I've also done music since I was about 9 so unless I started my midlife crisis at about 10 I don't think your on target.
> 
> I don't want either. I want understanding and solutions.
> 
> I guess are we going to have a serious discussion or not?



Mid-life crisis sometimes can be about trying to re-capture the fancies of our youth. You did sports cars until kids. You did music until kids. You don't do them anymore (at least in the way that you want to because you don't want to upset the wifey apple cart). I'm not saying you're having a mid-life crisis. Just that the symptoms are there. 

Nobody here is saying "be a jerk to your wife." They're saying that's it OK for you to be good to yourself, too. You're playing the martyr and then complaining to us why the martyr strategy can't and won't work. It doesn't work because people don't want to be around martyrs. They want to be around nice people pursuing their passions. You're going through the motions, only doing what wifey says you can do.

You can idenfity some priorities that make you happy without being an a-hole to your wife/family. The two are not mutually exclusive. Don't expect your wife to be a mind reader. Sounds like she's willing to compromise to make you happy. If you don't think she is, what leads you to think that? Why are your priorities less important than everyone else's in the family?


----------



## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

To a certain extent I've had this problem in all of my relationships. I am not a home body- AT ALL, and I am not a tv watcher outside of sports. I think people like us are looked at as bizarre by society as most people come home and surf the net or watch tv. I do like the internet but I'd rather be out and about. My experience is that we have to compromise more than mainstream people to be excepted in relationships.


----------



## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

> So if I understand this correctly I am supposed to ignore her feelings and do what I want? Seems selfish to me and doesn't really make any sense if I want to stay married at all. Sounds like a plan for failure with a dose of legitimization via MC. Decisions are not made in a vacuum without taking into consideration others involved nor is happiness primarily driven by internal factors.


DR, I hear and agree with what you're saying. But something isn't working if you're that unhappy, right? The fact that you're here means you understand that you don't have it all together, right?

I'm reading alot of cross-arguing. You say it's cold, others say it's windy. Well the fact of the matter is that it could be cold AND windy. To your statement, you can make your decisions in consideration of your W, AND yet still walk away feeling happy with your manhood intact. (And not need to smack your W in the head with your nuts to prove it.)

My example: I offered to buy my H a boat. We sat down and agreed to what characteristics we each wanted. If he hadn't wanted me to go boating with him, I wouldn't have cared what he got (other than the cost, since I was footing the bill.) But since he wanted me to go with him, there were some factors he needed to consider for me.

Regarding the sports car. You have a car that you don't want. You should be able to sell it and get what you do want, especially since you said money isn't an issue. If your W doesn't want to sell it, then tell her she can have it and go buy yourself a different one. If she responds that it's YOUR car, then tell her you're going to sell YOUR car. But if you buy a car that she has no interest in, don't be asking her to go for a drive with you. Remember, this will be YOUR car, a car that you specifically chose knowing it excluded her participation. Then when she buys a set of golf clubs and joins a country club without you, you don't get to complain because it's HER hobby, just like YOUR car.

The thing is, you can't have your cake and eat it, too. You can't be a M'd single, and you don't get to complain without being willing to do something about it. M requires a lot of compromise. By definition, compromise means you don't get to have everything YOUR way. You have a sports car, but it's not the one you want (2-seater) in which you get to exclude half your family. (wah-wah!) You have a motorcycle, but your W needs _some_ assurance of "safety," so you didn't get the one you want. (wah-wah!) You still get frequent sex, after 17 years of M and two children I must point out, but you complain that's not enough because she isn't creative (wah-wah!) (I dare you to post your problem over on the sex forum.) You want to play in a band but W has concerns about the environment for a M'd man and says no. (wah-wah!) Unless of course you were trying to join the church band, or play for the children's choir? 

I sense a real "mommy" dynamic here. Your interests are all very MLC-ish, as another poster said (2-seater sports car, motorcycle, playing in a band). But your W (mommy) "won't let you" and you've reverted to acting like a rebellious teenager.

You might need to grow some manhood like some other posters suggested, but I would focus on the "man" vs. "boy" aspect, rather than the alpha vs. beta. You have a responsibility as a H and father, and that should be your first consideration, without putting your W in the position of mommy and having to tell you "no." I don't care to get into a debate about motorcycles, but if my H came to me and told me he wanted to buy a motorcycle, I'd tell him sure, right after he found another place to live (luckily I don't have to, he saw the inherent dangers when he was 17.) The fact that you have the sports car and the motorcycle, yet still have the audacity to ask her if you can join a band, makes me think you need to re-evaluate how good you've got it and kiss the ground she walks on, or get D'd and be single. I'm shocked that she would still find you sexually attractive at all with the immature way you come across.

You play the long-suffering, martyr H by saying "am I supposed to ignore her feelings and do what I want?" What I'm hearing is you asked her if you could have sex with another woman (figuratively) and she said no so that makes HER the problem, when you should have known it was inappropriate in the first place and not put her in the position of being the bad guy. You set her up, and then you blame her.

I'm sorry to be so harsh, but I live with your twin brother so it's a bit of a hot button for me.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

DodgingRain said:


> So if I understand this correctly I am supposed to ignore her feelings and do what I want?



Try flipping that statement around: So if I understand you correctly, your wife is supposed to ignore your feelings and then you only do what *she* wants? Marriage is a two-way street. If you are unhappy, then something is wrong and needs to be fixed. 

You mentioned more than once that she claims "something is wrong with you" because you want to do different things. Well, apparently you disagree. And your opinion is at least as valid as hers, isn't it? Ask her if she feels if something is wrong with *HER* because she wants to stay in the same rut every day. 

You can definitely tell her that giving up your friends was wrong, because normal healthy people have friends (it's true!). *Then go out and get some of your friends back, and that might bring back some of your sanity*. While you are at it, go out with other couples too - that would help her as well.

MC might work, it might not. But at the point you are shouting "HELP!!" (as you did in this thread title), that means you need help. At the very least, it might be useful for your wife to hear from another person that there is nothing wrong with wanting to change the daily routines in your life!


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

Theseus said:


> Try flipping that statement around: So if I understand you correctly, your wife is supposed to ignore your feelings and then you only do what *she* wants? Marriage is a two-way street. If you are unhappy, then something is wrong and needs to be fixed.
> 
> You mentioned more than once that she claims "something is wrong with you" because you want to do different things. Well, apparently you disagree. And your opinion is at least as valid as hers, isn't it? Ask her if she feels if something is wrong with *HER* because she wants to stay in the same rut every day.
> 
> ...


How about that, that's almost identical to the post I was writing, no point in repeating mine then. Well said! Dodging Rain reverse your situation and see how it looks from the other side of the "coin" her eyes, you'll get a better understanding of where your wife is coming from.


----------

