# How do men show love...



## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

*repost- was hoping for the male perspective*


when they can not say the words? Since the separation, I have been an insecure mess. I continue hearing , " I'm not sure if I love you anymore," over again in my head. My individual therapist, our couples' therapist, as well as friends/family continue to tell me not to rely on words right now. I need to focus on the actions because he can't communicate with emotional language right now. And the fact is, generally, men and women verbally and nonverbally communicate differently.
So if I'm not to focus on the words, can someone tell me how a man shows love? Because right now, I am so unsure of myself that I fear I may see things that are not there.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I think it varies greatly according to the particular man. I myself show love through work/acts and touch. If you "know your guy" his style of expressing love ought to be fairly obvious, and if in doubt don't be shy...ask him. Most men would be happy to tell their spouses, and probably touched they cared enough to even ask. 

Incidentally, I like to receive love in the same way I give it, albeit the opposite order. I am not sure if this is the norm. If you get a chance wren, please feel free to remind my wife of my statements above. Best of luck with your quest.


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

lastinline, thank you for your response.
J shows that he cares about me quite often. In therapy, he's discussed how resentment, depression, and fear may be blocking his feelings for me. I know this is possible. But I fear the worst.
I guess I clarify my question: how do men show love versus caring for another? Or is there a difference?


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I think the only difference between love and care is one of degree, if that. For instance, you certainly couldn't argue that you didn't "care" about someone you "love". I would innately think about it as along the same lines of "warm" and "hot", i.e. something that is warm "has heat", but something that is hot simply "has more heat".

Once again, for people that I cared about, I would show care in a similar way to showing love, albeit my responses would be somewhat blunted in their degree. For instance, I would spend a Saturday helping a friend move. However, I wouldn't work every single day to provide food and shelter for my friend like I would for someone I loved, like my child or my wife Thus the same elements are there, it just varies in the quantity or amount present. There you have it, the marginal difference between care and love as defined by me.


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

lastinline, your comments are so appreciated. I am a confused woman that isn't sure if I'm coming or going. While my intuition usually is fail-proof, since the separation, I don't hear that inner voice anymore. I don't know if I can trust what I see, hear, or feel anymore.

Can a person love you, want you one day and not the next? Is love a choice?


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## Inturmoil (Sep 22, 2009)

I think love is definitely a choice. Marrying someone is waking up every morning and choosing to love your wife/husband. You fall in and out of love with your husband/wife all throughout your marriage. You always love them, but being "in Love" with them is different. And it is what you do when you are out of love with him/her that makes and breaks a marriage. Right now my wife is choosing not to love me


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

And the choosing not to love? Is it punishment? Self-preservation? Laziness? Defense mechanism?

I don't understand it.


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## alytamave (Oct 2, 2009)

wren, I believe that choosing not to love has something to do with what they feel on the inside. Some kind of turmoil, depression, wanting to know if the other side is greener. If he is actually saying in therapy that depression may be blocking him, see if you can help him work through it. I want to believe that my husband is choosing not to love me because of a depression. It's better than thinking the opposite which I feel so often..that I'm just un-loveable.


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

No one is unlovable. Please try not to think that way. I know it's hard because I feel it sometimes, too.
He told me that he fears if he re-commits that we won't be able to fulfill each others' needs. He feels inadaquate and can't seem to accept himself. I don't know how to handle those feelings. I can't change his low self-worth.


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## alytamave (Oct 2, 2009)

wren, I know that there are some great books out there about building self esteem and having a positive outlook on life. I actually need to read some, but it may sound like your H needs to read one.

I can read your words and they make sense about no one being unlovable, but I can't believe them to be true. After so much crap with my H and even my ex, it's hard to believe I will ever be loved the way I need to be loved. 

I guess speaking from experience (myself and how I would like my husband to help me), maybe what you could do is try a different way of supporting him than you are right now. Stroke his ego, tell him you believe he is wonderful, show him love, be confident that he loves you, let him know that without him your life wouldn't be complete. Once he starts to really believe what you are saying and doing, it may help him start feeling better about himself. At least this is how I would like my husband to support me. ???


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

J's being reading books and has a therapist, as well. Even though I've done all the things you suggested, I now realize that until a person loves/accepts themself...they can't accept the love from another.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

It was very hard for me to see how my husband showed me love. I moved out about 2 weeks ago, and I've been reading these posts and trying to remember and think...not just about what he's done wrong (very easy to focus JUST on that), but also where I've messed up.

Anways...I believe you've hit the "nail on the head" wren...when a man doesn't accept himself or is unhappy/depressed with his life. It is almost impossible for him to see anything else than his own situation.

If you want this to work...just stay steady and do your best to encourage him without compromising what you need.


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