# I am new



## Billy21blue

Just looking for advice as wife has no interest in intimacy anymore


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## Bananapeel

Do you want to repair the problem or replace the wife? Need more info from you about the situation and your desires to give any advice.


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## Billy21blue

Been married 10 years now. We both work full time. we Dont work weekends. I love her and respect her we have 3 kids and I’m very hands on with everything. I tell her how great she is all the time. 
I have only one problem which is really getting bigger inside me and need help. She is sexually cold, she does not desire sex, if i did not approach her, she wont take the first step or ask for sex no matter how long that might takes. i kept not approaching her for three months, and she just did not care... she won’t cuddle me or kiss. Nothing. Sometimes I just want a meaningful cuddle. our youngest is 4 and we have sex probably 5 times since he was born but that’s only if I make effort. Which I’ve given up on as I don’t want her to do something she doesn’t want to do. I put them to bed every night story etc 
Wife does the dinner every night and I always clean up.i maintain the house myself. We have a lovely house and car. But she wants to go away all the time. Never satisfied in spending a weekend at home. We still haven’t paid for previous two holidays so I’ve said we can’t book up for next year yet.Both sets of parents aren’t interested in helping with the children. 
She thinks I just hate holidays and resents me for it. Which isn’t the case. I’ve had to slow the spending down as Too much. .I’ve tried talking to her but she gets angry and says I don’t want to talk. So I keep quiet 98% of the time. Just try to make her life as easy as I can. She told me recently that we’ve never been compatable


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## aine

Billy21blue said:


> Just looking for advice as wife has no interest in intimacy anymore


There is a thread covering this same topic, which is a recurring theme here.

It appears there are more deep rooted issues going on in your marriage and you keeping quiet is part of the problem. Sweeping them under the carpet for the sake of a quiet life is not going to cut it. 
Your wife is also working, so why shouldn't you help with the housework, the way you write its as if it is her responsibility and you are doing her a favour by covering HER duties. I bet she has already figured this out, so much for partnership. The household is 50% yours and NO you should get NO brownie points for doing what you should be doing anyhow. Your attitude is a huge passion killer.

What do you do for her? (Housework and child minding is not the answer). When is the last time you brought her out for a romantic dinner, bought her a thoughtful card, spent quality time alone, talking about things, went for a long walk together? None of these things cost alot and will show her that she is special to you. 
Her needs are not being met (do you actually know what her needs are?) so she has no incentive to meet your needs either. That is why she is resentful and doesn't want to talk. Women who are hurt usually have been trying to communicate but get shut down or not heard, then they decide not to talk and you end up with the scenario you are in, coldness and no intimacy. 

You should consider reading His Needs Her Needs and doing the questionnaire together to discover what you both want.


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## SunCMars

Billy21blue said:


> She told me recently that we’ve never been compatible


Once in a while a bird fly's by.

Sometimes it is a Stork and it delivers a baby.

Sometimes it is an Owl. It tells you who you are and who the wife is.

Sometimes it is a Mockingbird. It tells you in no un-simple terms that you are a fool.

Sometimes it is a Bird of Paradise. They rarely come to a married couples home.

Sometimes it is a Woodpecker. That is what came to your house. It is trying to tell you that you and your wife are not compatible.
It is punching holes in your marriage. The words came out of your wife's mouth. She is trying to knock some sense into you with her sharp tongue.

What you have is ILYBIANILWY. Thpp!

"I love you, but I am not in love with you".

These words are the Death Knell to one's marriage.



Solution?

Likely none. You cannot make someone love you.

She married the wrong person. By default, so did you.

..............................................................................................

It is also possible that she is rewriting your marriage. 

She may have another man on her mind. Dunno.
Most people cannot love more than one person at a time.

It could be depression, also.





Lilith-


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## Billy21blue

What i meant was i try to do as much as i can to make her life easier in the time i have. I always offer to clean the house but she wont let me as im apprantaly rubish at it and she will only have to do it again.she tell me! We have noone to have the children regulary so we cant spend time alone. I dont watch tv. Dont have time so im not a slob. She watches her soaps in the evenings. And we try to watch a movie sat night together. We go walking a lot with the children.


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## anchorwatch

Things only change if you do. 

You can't change her, but you can change yourself.

Read the sticky thread at the top of the men's section. 


Best


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## Billy21blue

Thanks for messages people. 
So what im doing is wrong or not enough? She has outburts that its easier when im not there with the children so she can do it all her way. I make it stressfull app. But in my eyes im doing exactly what she tells me to do. But if i dont park the car where she would of for example i get yelled at. Im not a mind reader. I picked the space i thought was best


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## SunCMars

Billy21blue said:


> Thanks for messages people.
> So what im doing is wrong or not enough? She has outburts that its easier when im not there with the children so she can do it all her way. I make it stressfull app. But in my eyes im doing exactly what she tells me to do. But if i dont park the car where she would of for example i get yelled at. Im not a mind reader. I picked the space i thought was best


Read your words here.

You are her husband, not her son.

You need to establish yourself as an equal partner.

Stand up for yourself without being a jerk........like her.

Be firm. If she does not like where you parked tell HER to move the car.

Tell her if you do not need a mother, you need a wife.


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## SunCMars

Your wife needs a wake up call.

Without yelling or being violent.

She is now conditioned to being in charge. You must break the cycle.

No one person is in charge of a marriage. It is a marriage of two equals.

She needs to be reminded of that.


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## Billy21blue

She has cob on at the moment because we have no holiday booked. Its was raining saturday just gone. Weve both been very busy at work all week only been at home in evenings and she had a meltdown sat because there was nothing to do nowhere to go. Im happy to be at home for once with kids as out all week. But she just didnt want to be there. I find that hard to understand why. I paid for her to take our oldest to cinema the next day for a movie she wanted to see.


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## anchorwatch

Billy21blue said:


> Thanks for messages people.
> So what im doing is wrong or not enough?
> 
> *It's wrong! Why would you try to please someone who treats you like a lower class person? It only reinforces her perception that its okay to abuse you. In other words, you've taught her how to treat you. *
> 
> She has outburts that its easier when im not there with the children so she can do it all her way. I make it stressfull app. But in my eyes im doing exactly what she tells me to do. But if i dont park the car where she would of for example i get yelled at. Im not a mind reader. I picked the space i thought was best
> 
> *Once the humiliation or criticism starts, the conversation is over. *


You can improve your life. It will happen when you take control and are not codependent upon her for your happiness. 

You have quite a bit to learn. Here are some easy reads...

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men


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## Bananapeel

First of all you should understand she's not having sex with you because she's not attracted to you. She said she thinks you aren't compatible so no matter what chores you do to help her it won't make a difference. Her angry outbursts are due to a lack of respect for you and that also usually goes with an entitlement personality. You might want to consider individual counseling so you can learn how to properly and openly communicate with her. If I were in your shoes and she said she thought we weren't compatible and didn't want to have sex, I'd just be direct and ask her if she still wants to be married and if she thinks we have the ability to have a happy marriage for both people. Then I'd ask probing questions like what does she feel is missing, what can she do to change her situation where to one where she is happy, what would it take for her to focus on the marriage and is it worth the effort in her eyes. After those conversations you can decide if what she's willing to do is enough for you or not, and whether there's a partner there that wants to improve things enough to make it worth the effort on your part or whether you just want to throw in the towel. Remember, it is not YOUR job to make HER happy. It is each person's job to make THEMSELVES happy so that they bring happiness to the relationship. 

Add to your reading list: married man's sex life primer


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## Billy21blue

Ok. So why after nearly 20 years together she behaving like this? She has also said recently that she is bored along side the were not compatable remark. 🤨


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## farsidejunky

This may seem harsh, but does it matter why she thinks it is okay to treat you lousy?

It isn't your role to find out why. 

It is your role to live a principled, meaningful life. 

It is your role to tell her that you will no longer allow her to walk over you without repercussion.

And if you do both of those and she still treats you poorly, it may be time to make her your ex wife. 

Do yourself a favor. Check your phone bill for any strange numbers. 



Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky

When she says she is bored, what she means is you are boring her. 

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## Billy21blue

What do you mean check my phone bill for strange numbers?


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## Sparta

Check the phone bill her phone bill for a number that she calls a lot that’s going to be the OM if there is one. OK “don’t let her know either.!” You’re going to have to get a couple Digital voice activated recorde, VAR (Voice activated recorder) plant one in her car underneath the passenger seat. Use Velcro it make sure it doesn’t come undone when she slams on the brakes and a comes shooting out from underneath the seat. You can get both velcro and recorder at Walmart or Go on Amazon get Sony PX 333 some like that and buy energizer lithium batteries. Each recorder is like $40 bucks but they work really well. Actually Place the second one in the house where she talks on the phone a lot in or her special spot.


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## Sparta

This is to make sure she’s not having an affair or she is having affair usually they’re having an affair sorry that’s what happens buddy.! you need to find a way out of it. And these are the first steps you take and do as we tell you do not second-guess and less you just want to prolong this misery.!!


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## aine

I think the affair scenario is a HUGE leap here. The woman sounds resentful, why is she resentful? OP do you know? Resentful that all you both do is work and then you just want to sit at home. She wants more, I can see why. However, she seems to have told you this over and over. Are you controlling the money? Do you control her spending? Do you make the decision that you are not going out for dinner or a date, etc. 
Tam'ers there is more digging required, not simply shooting from the hip and proclaiming "AFFAIR!"

BTW do you have any hobbies/past times you spend money on?


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## Sparta

I get what you’re saying but it’s not even near a huge leap because you know just as well it’s usually an affair you know that... and by the way everything I told him to just make sure she’s either in one or not in one.! These are steps he needs to take to make sure either way.!


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## Billy21blue

She hs her own money. Im trying to free somemore up for her at the moment as she does complain about this. I dont think she would have time for an affair. I only control the credit cards as she cant be trusted as before she has caused us big problems which we are close to getting out of. But i have said to her get a credit card yourself if it bothers you that much. 
Every weekend we try to get out with the kids somewhere. We rarely stay at home a full day. We dont have a great support around us. Were on our own most of the time.


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## Billy21blue

We have to do our hobbies apart. As one has to look after the children. We both run regular. She hates my hobbies not interested one bit. She doesnt have any. All she wants to do is go shopping and go on holiday


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## Billy21blue

Which to me is just a short high which masking a problem. I recieved some inheritence recently amd i spent most of it clearing her debts. But i got the inpression she resents me for spending it on that. But then she moans she has to spend her money on bills.


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## BluesPower

Billy21blue said:


> Which to me is just a short high which masking a problem. I recieved some inheritence recently amd i spent most of it clearing her debts. But i got the inpression she resents me for spending it on that. But then she moans she has to spend her money on bills.


You my man are being used. And no, it is not a leap to wonder is she is having an affair. 

Do you understand that you are being a paycheck and a doormat for her?

Have you read what everyone is writing to you?

You need to make sure she is not having an affair, even if she is not, you have to man up and put a stop to her behavior or get out of this so called marriage...


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## anchorwatch

It seems you have to be her father since she can't control herself impulses. No one wants to have intimacy with their parents, they want to revolt. 

Have you started any of the suggested reads?


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## Billy21blue

No i havnt yet.


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## SentHereForAReason

I really hope this is not an affair but the timing and a lot of the red flags and warning signs are there frankly. It's interesting that two phrases that are used here are two of the most common phrases used by the wayward and the betrayed spouse.

- Her saying you are not compatible. Heard that one many times, including in my own situation. It's used as justification in the mind of the spouse that has found someone else that IS compatible.
- You saying she doesn't have enough time to do so, that is probably the #1 most used phrased of potential betrayed spouses, especially here, if you read the stories of how people come here to get help and have issues but don't really think it's an affair.

Again, hope it's not an affair because if it's not the uphill battle you are facing is workable with dedication, time and the willingness on her part to work through it as well. If there is an affair, there's absolutely nothing you can do that will be seen as a positive in their minds, it's crazy, it really is but the person we knew for so long, once in the 'fog' of the affair, becomes a completely different person and someone who will see you as an annoyance in their life at best and at worst a flat out enemy on the path to their own perceived 'happiness'.


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## Billy21blue

Yeh it makes me very sad. She is bored and is seeking others attention i have noticed but she is always at home after school run and no matter how much i try to persuade her she wont go out in the evenings. She is on her phone a lot and i have looked at her phone. She is talking to her friends arranging days nights out etc as far as i can read.


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## VermiciousKnid

Just because she is low drive doesn't mean you give up trying. That's the worst thing you can do. Is she cool with you supplementing your needs with masturbation? Is there something that would get her fires burning that she's embarrassed to say? My first advice is DON'T quit trying. Even if you get shot down 9 times out of 10 it doesn't mean she doesn't love you, and at least you'll get laid that 10th time. My wife and I get it on usually every weekend. We're very busy during the week. I have a high drive. I'd LOVE to get busy with her 2-3 times per day. She'd love to be more of a once per month type of girl. We've discussed it and we compromise. We're less busy on the weekends so I know every Saturday and Sunday morning I'm getting laid. The other days of the week I "handle" my needs myself. It works for us. Talk with her and work out a compromise. Successful marriages require a lot of compromising from both people. I've been married for going on 32 years to the love of my life. We've both probably compromised on something 10,000 times during that period.


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## Billy21blue

She hs no idea if i masterbate or not. And she dont care


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## Billy21blue

A nice house and car. Go abroad once a year. 3 lovely well behaved children most of the time. ( all parenting is hard at times.) husband who is 100% dedicated to his family and would always put them first and does 50% of the chores. And takes the kids out on his own to give her a break most weekends. I try hard to keep our debt down to a minimum so cant always go out on exspensive trips to big parks etc. Always take her out for her birthday and anniversary and christmas. Had to get a sitter most months. I Guess im asking am i a **** Husband?


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## Billy21blue

Hard to get a sitter i mean. Both sets of gparents arent interested! 🙁


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## BluesPower

Billy21blue said:


> A nice house and car. Go abroad once a year. 3 lovely well behaved children most of the time. ( all parenting is hard at times.) husband who is 100% dedicated to his family and would always put them first and does 50% of the chores. And takes the kids out on his own to give her a break most weekends. I try hard to keep our debt down to a minimum so cant always go out on exspensive trips to big parks etc. Always take her out for her birthday and anniversary and christmas. Had to get a sitter most months. I Guess im asking am i a **** Husband?


No you are not a **** husband, but there are many things that you do not understand. 

You placating her, and taking her abuse, and coddling her is the very worst thing that you could possibly be doing in your situation. You are showing her that 1) she has no need to have sex with you because you will not do anything about it, 2) Your weakness and your ass kissing of her makes her have even less respect for you if she ever had any at all, 3) If she is having an affair, she really does not care, if you found out she is convinced that you would not divorce her because you are weak and needy. 

As to her not having enough time, that is just silly. Does she work? If she does all they need a 15 minutes and a broom closet.

Does she ever travel without you? Another possibility. Does she have girls night out? A third possibility. 

Her behavior is EXACTLY like a lot of wayward wives that are actively sleeping around. If you have not checked to online phone bill, then you have no idea if she is having an affair or not. 

Like others have said, what ever is going on, you need to wake up and man up...


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## Billy21blue

Yeh she works 30 hrs a week. Yes she goes out with her friends. I dont let her push me around. I do fight back. I dont want to pressure her into sex if she doesnt want to do it. I just want to know why she doesnt make the effort apart from the obveously. Im going to ask her straight out what the problem is!


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## UpsideDownWorld11

Because she isn't attracted to you anymore and she is bored. You just dont do it for her anymore... she is also probably on the selfish end of the spectrum. Regardless, doing chores and being a nice guy doesn't get you laid. Get a gym membership. Lift. Change things up, get her hamster wheel spinning. Don't be afraid to tell her no.

The flipside of lack of sex is she found someone else to take that role. If that's the case do all that stuff to prepare for life after divorce.


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## Bananapeel

I don't know if she's having an affair or just not attracted to you, but it really doesn't matter much because the end result is the same that she doesn't want to be with you. The reason some people are pushing the thought of an affair is because it's common and can cause the problems you are seeing, although other things can as well. The advice to investigate into an affair is because you'll have an easier time deciding how you want to address the situation if you actually know what it is than if you are just guessing as to what you are dealing with. 

If you read the book The Married Man's Sex Life Primer there is a line in there that goes something like "if she says you're boring it means she's whoring". This of course happens because a stable marriage is not exciting compared to an illicit affair. Again, I don't know if she's cheating but I just want you to understand where the advice to secretly investigate is coming from. 

The best thing you can do when you are in an unsatisfying marriage is to advocate for yourself, develop boundaries, and not tolerate being treated poorly. You only live one life so don't settle for being unhappy. That doesn't mean go ahead and divorce any time there is a problem, but rather deal with the problem by addressing it in a manner you are satisfied with. For some things you can talk and reach a solution, but other things could require terminating the marriage. Whatever you do just realize that you are the only person that has to live with your decisions and that no one is going to advocate for our needs/happiness other than you.


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## anchorwatch

Billy21blue said:


> Yeh she works 30 hrs a week. Yes she goes out with her friends. I dont let her push me around. I do fight back. I dont want to pressure her into sex if she doesnt want to do it. I just want to know why she doesnt make the effort apart from the obveously.
> 
> Im going to ask her straight out what the problem is!


What makes you think you going to get any more of an answer than shes already expressed? 

If you're that resistant to finding another way, I wish you luck with that path. 

The answer is within yourself, not her!

Best


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## jlg07

I am NOT jumping on the bandwagon of an affair, but since this all seems new to you:
"She is on her phone a lot and i have looked at her phone. She is talking to her friends arranging days nights out etc as far as i can read.
"

She could VERY EASILY be talking to a guy, and that number is stored under a woman's name.
Girls nights out are a very common way for someone to have an affair -- could just be a bunch of one-night stands.

Again, we are just trying to open your eyes to possibilities here. Things you have said about your wife HAVE turned out to be affairs on many of the stories here, even when the BS says they would have no time to do it....

One thing -- IF YOU DO INVESTIGATE, and you DO find something, do NOT CONFRONT her with anything you find until you are 100% sure and have all of the evidence stored safely away where she can't destroy it.


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## Marc878

Go your own way. Kissing her ass won't get you a thing and will make this situation worse.


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## Billy21blue

I appreciate the advice people. I asked her right out if there someone else. She said no. She said life is just hard with children etc she apologised and said she will try harder with me. But she didnt answer most of my questions 🤨 just sat in silence most of it


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## jlg07

Billy, why did you accept her "non-answers". Tells you a lot, no? She doesn't want to tell you anything about it. Of COURSE she is going to say there is nobody else.

You may want to consider hiring a PI to follow her on a few of those late nights, or girls nights out. That way, you will know for certain, BUT -- since you have asked her, IF she is having an affair, she may back it for for a few months until she thinks you are ok again.

I think you really DO need to get her to answer your questions.


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## Sparta

She’s having an affair dude.! Don’t accuse here don’t sayanything to her. she’ll take the affair further underground and it will be a lot harder for you to discover it.!


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Billy21blue said:


> I appreciate the advice people. I asked her right out if there someone else. She said no. She said life is just hard with children etc she apologised and said she will try harder with me. But she didnt answer most of my questions 🤨 just sat in silence most of it


Billy21Blue, I am going to give you some advice. First you must cure your cranial rectal inversion and open your eyes. So she said “No”when you asked her about an affair. Well, did you truly expect her to say hell yes I am having an affair? I asked my wife three years ago and she said the same. Guess what I found out a week later? Yes, I caught my FWW having an affair.

Athol Kay’sbook should be mandatory in order for a fellow to get his man card. I purchased this for my son who married a couple of months ago. He loved it.You will,too.

Now back to basics. First you appear to have resources consider having a PI tail her when she goes out after work. Consider a VAR. 

I am not certain from your posts if she is or isn’t. Both of you appear to have issues and MC is what I think you each should consider.


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## Billy21blue

She isnt cheating. She is just bored of the life we have created together over last 19 years.bored of me. Her job etc. Shes looking for excitement. The question is can we get over this ? 😐


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## Billy21blue

Is there any women on here with an opinion on this?


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## Billy21blue

Ok well over a year later I think I’ve had enough of things as they are. 

I want a lover as well as a best friend and great mum to my children.

Am I wrong to say this to her?


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## anchorwatch

Billy21blue said:


> Ok well over a year later I think I’ve had enough of things as they are.
> 
> I want a lover as well as a best friend and great mum to my children.
> 
> Am I wrong to say this to her?


I don't know... Have "you" done anything to get such a relationship in the last year?


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## Billy21blue

No. She has been like this and getting worse since our youngest was born. He is now 5 and half


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## jlg07

Billy, have you talked to her about going to Marriage Counseling? You need to tell her how serious you are, and find out if she just doesn't want to be married anymore, because YOU are at that point. Do NOT let her "sit in silence" and not answer your questions. Tell if she doesn't feel like answering, then you have your answer -- she does NOT want to work on the marriage, and then YOU can plan out how to extract yourself from the situation. 

Did you ever investigate to see if she was having an affair? Did you ever get a VAR to see what she is talking about when you are not around?
Marriage cannot be a one-sided deal, and it sounds like that's what you have.
You and her relationship need to be your PRIMARY. Yes, take care of the kids and love them, but if she is focused all on them and NOT what is going on between the both of you, NOT GOOD.


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