# Worried about OH's stag trip



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

This is not *exactly* about "sex in marriage" but seemed the best place to post so here we go...

Me and my OH are planning to get married either later this year or next year. My OH and his group of friends are/have been rather fond of boys' holidays, primarily to Amsterdam and Prague, although he hasn't done this since we got together four years ago.

Now, earlier on in our relationship, I made it very clear that for me, him going to a strip club or lap dancing club are dealbreakers for me. We spoke a lot about it, I explored my feelings a lot to understand them, and he explained the group dynamic on a boys' holiday and things that have happened previously. He has been into them and paid for "something" but he's quite embarrassed about it.

Now, he's mentioned about arranging a stag trip, possibly to Prague, with a group of the boys. He respects my feelings about going to such places. He did speak a while back about how one of the guys might suggest going to a club and even if he went in, all he'd do is have a beer at the bar with his best mate whilst the rest of the guys did their thing but I wasn't happy with that. He was worried that he'd have to make his excuses, explain he couldn't go in because I wouldn't like it, and get a right ribbing about being under the thumb. I get that. 

He is more easygoing about it now because he seems very keen not to hurt my feelings. The thing is, I know what can go on on stag trips, he could get persuaded in as he can be persuadable when drunk and I KNOW what most of the other guys are like with going to these places.

My inclination is not to bring it up again, he knows how I feel, but that doesn't stop me worrying about it! If anyone has any thoughts, advice, or has been in a similar position (male or female perspective), I'd really like to hear your views!


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Tobio - congratulations!!

I presume you are getting married for all the right reasons...you love him, you want to spend the rest of your life with him...you trust him........

Whilst I fully respect your wishes re it being a 'dealbreaker', if all he does is go to a strip bar and watches afew ladies getting naked, or maybe a live sex show or even have some woman sit on his lap...its not as if he is being unfaithful.

I'm afraid its just what men do! I dont know your fiance, but I can assure you that if he goes to Amsterdam etc with 'the boyz' they WILL end up in one of these places...he will be under an inordinate amount of peer pressure to go in, believe me!

Maybe strike a compromise...strip club is OK because its just watching...lap dance is off limits.

Good luck...and I wish you a very happy and long marriage....despite what all we whinging ba$tards say on here!!
But...I hope you've thought very long and very hard about getting married!


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Those things you mentioned... Ok so not cheating but it's not because I think he would be cheating to do them. It's crossing a line to me between what I find acceptable within a relationship and what I don't.

When we first discussed it, he was looking for some halfway point where I'd be ok with things. Funnily, when I said I'd just call up a few of my buff guy friends and get them to come round and get their kit off for me whilst I had a beer, all of a sudden he wasn't so keen to argue his point...

He has said a lap dance to him is crossing the line so I know he wouldn't do that. But the "it's just what guys do..." Come on. I can *just* about go with that for looking at porn, say, but I am pretty sure he has the ability to make decisions WHETHER to do things or not.

And re: the getting married- yes have thought long and hard about it, these boards are very insightful I have to say!


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

The ladies (and men) might be surprised where I come down on this given my position in the "smut" thread. . .but I am kind of with you Tobio.

You made it clear. Those places are "lame" anyway (and often disgusting) and for guys who are lame.

Just put a big sign above the door "ENTER LAME-O's"

If he wants a guy trip, go play Paintball or go hunting or fishing or something.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Scannerguard said:


> The ladies (and men) might be surprised where I come down on this given my position in the "smut" thread. . .but I am kind of with you Tobio.
> 
> You made it clear. Those places are "lame" anyway (and often disgusting) and for guys who are lame.
> 
> ...


Depends entirely on the establishment. Some are skanky. Some are swanky. But it's not the sleeze that keeps me away, it's the $9 Budweisers.

I mean, C'MON!


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## Jones (Sep 15, 2010)

Well Tobio, i think that you made it clear to him before that you don't want him to do these things. I personally feel that you should trust him more and give him a little bit more credit. Because you made it clear before i think he should "obey your rules". 
By the way, did you give him a cerfew as well?


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Jones said:


> Well Tobio, i think that you made it clear to him before that you don't want him to do these things. I personally feel that you should trust him more and give him a little bit more credit. Because you made it clear before i think he should "obey your rules".
> By the way, did you give him a cerfew as well?


I'm curious what restrictions you allowed him to put on your behavior and activities?


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Tobio- Congrats on impending wedding. Hold your ground. I personally don't like those types of places, because I had a couple of friends that worked in strip clubs and I know what they did behind closed doors and after hrs. No, not all men are going to be untrustworthy in that situation and are just there to get their kicks, but it makes you uncomfortable and that should be respected. It was a dealbreaker for me too, unless I went with him. Luckily that is one area where we have an agreement...


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Hmmm, could you maybe talk to a few of his friends on keeping an eye on him and not to push him to do stupid things? Most men will respect a friend's wife wishes if she explains them clearly and help her out on that stuff.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Jones said:


> Well Tobio, i think that you made it clear to him before that you don't want him to do these things. I personally feel that you should trust him more and give him a little bit more credit. Because you made it clear before i think he should "obey your rules".
> By the way, did you give him a cerfew as well?


This might sound contrary but I trust him in the sense that I don't think he'd do anything untoward if the opportunity arose, not sure if that's what you meant or not? If you meant whether he'd go... Well that I don't know. He's not super keen or mad on those places by any stretch so *shrugs*

Curfew? LOL! He wouldn't be dictated to, I didn't say "I forbid you to go" or "you are not going". He'd laugh in my face if I told him what to do, he wouldn't take any crap from me like that.



IanIronwood said:


> I'm curious what restrictions you allowed him to put on your behavior and activities?


Well since you ask... A while ago I wanted to visit a friend who lived far away enough to warrant an overnight stay. An old friend who'd I'd known for years before I met OH. He didn't want me to go because he felt this friend had feelings for me, and whilst he trusts me, he doesn't trust other guys LOL For me it was completely platonic and prior to meeting OH, if any other previous partner had said how they felt, I would have said yes but I want to go, there's nothing in it, so I am going. But I respected his feelings and didn't.



stumblealong said:


> Tobio- Congrats on impending wedding. Hold your ground. I personally don't like those types of places, because I had a couple of friends that worked in strip clubs and I know what they did behind closed doors and after hrs. No, not all men are going to be untrustworthy in that situation and are just there to get their kicks, but it makes you uncomfortable and that should be respected. It was a dealbreaker for me too, unless I went with him. Luckily that is one area where we have an agreement...


Yes. It's not so much what you mention- about the dodgy stuff. It's more my personal boundaries. If he wants to look at porn, that's fine. Naked laydees on "film" and in photos I have no problems with. It's the real-life ones I do, that's where I draw the line. To me, him seeing some woman taking her clothes off is no different whether it's in a club or in our front room, whether he's paid for the priviege or not. It's still a woman taking her clothes off in front of him. Last time I checked he wasn't too keen on me having the boys round and I feel the same about him in the presence of naked ladies. He does get it.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Draguna said:


> Hmmm, could you maybe talk to a few of his friends on keeping an eye on him and not to push him to do stupid things? Most men will respect a friend's wife wishes if she explains them clearly and help her out on that stuff.


I could do, but he'd hate that. I think I would too tbh. I do know his best mate doesn't like strip clubs or lap dancing clubs because he feels going there would be disrespectful to his wife. His best mate would do that I think if I asked. Like I say, don't know if I would though.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Congrats on your upcoming wedding. Marriage is great! 

As far as this issue....To each their own. 

Where I am from men go to stip clubs or have talant brought into someone's home or other venue. It is expected and the brides for the most part accept it. In other instances, I have seen the groom's buddies go through great lengths to conceal the goings on to the bride. Personally, I would not lie to my wife about this sort of thing. 

Of all these events (10 or so) i have never heard of anything crazy happening. I have discussed strip clubs in general with my married buy friends. We have concluded that knowing what we know if we were girls we would be more worried about our husbands going to singles bars then strip clubs.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

tobio said:


> Curfew? LOL! He wouldn't be dictated to, I didn't say "I forbid you to go" or "you are not going". He'd laugh in my face if I told him what to do, he wouldn't take any crap from me like that.


Tobio, kinda OT, but you got me thinking on this one. I think deep down most women don't want their man to take any crap from them. They try to test them at first, maybe as a tease, but they really don't them to stand down. They want a man with a backbone, not a door mat. They want their man to DEMAND respect from his wife and others around him.

Is this the case ladies, maybe I need to start another thread...


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## lucky_guy (Jan 23, 2011)

This is about trust. You are either going to trust him or you aren't. If you don't consider him worthy of your trust, consider delaying your marriage. But telling him not to do this is, IMVHO a seriously huge mistake; from his perspective, what else are you going to pull the "its me or XYZ" card on? And it opens the door to him doing the same to you. Remind me again why we get married??

There is no difference between Amsterdam, Prague or the corner coffee store -- all of them could have tempting women, things and stuff. Heck, all of it can be found in Vegas.....


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

hubby said:


> Tobio, kinda OT, but you got me thinking on this one. I think deep down most women don't want their man to take any crap from them. They try to test them at first, maybe as a tease, but they really don't them to stand down. They want a man with a backbone, not a door mat. They want their man to DEMAND respect from his wife and others around him.
> 
> Is this the case ladies, maybe I need to start another thread...


OH is very like this. He will stand his ground if someone disrespects him. I really admire how he does it. He's different with me mostly. If he thinks I'm being outrageous he'll tell me in no uncertain terms. Mostly he kinda "rechannels" things and in a very direct but constructive way will encourage me to do whatever myself. Sometimes he gives me a funny look ("THAT" look) and says I'm quirky and that's what he likes about me.

About this... I *think* that although he doesn't necessarily agree completely, he does understand where I'm coming from. He sees how I feel about it and why. He takes the time to understand.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

lucky_guy said:


> This is about trust. You are either going to trust him or you aren't. If you don't consider him worthy of your trust, consider delaying your marriage. But telling him not to do this is, IMVHO a seriously huge mistake; from his perspective, what else are you going to pull the "its me or XYZ" card on? And it opens the door to him doing the same to you. Remind me again why we get married??
> 
> There is no difference between Amsterdam, Prague or the corner coffee store -- all of them could have tempting women, things and stuff. Heck, all of it can be found in Vegas.....


The "it's me or..." - I have never done this before. There are a handful of things I dislike that he does; I tolerate them. I'd be over the moon if he he stopped but it's not my place to demand that. He says often that he and his mates and family can't believe we have four kids yet he gets to go out to the pub three times a week. He knows I am very easygoing when it comes to his social life, if you like. So for me to lay it out like this, he knows it's going to be VERY important to me.

I would be quite surprised if the coffee store had naked women in it! Seriously though, I hear you. I see him looking at the ladies when we're out. I turn a blind eye, I don't like it but hey... However, to actively seek out other real-life women in that context- it's a no go to me.


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## lucky_guy (Jan 23, 2011)

tobio said:


> The "it's me or..." - I have never done this before. There are a handful of things I dislike that he does; I tolerate them. I'd be over the moon if he he stopped but it's not my place to demand that. He says often that he and his mates and family can't believe we have four kids yet he gets to go out to the pub three times a week. He knows I am very easygoing when it comes to his social life, if you like. So for me to lay it out like this, he knows it's going to be VERY important to me.
> 
> I would be quite surprised if the coffee store had naked women in it! Seriously though, I hear you. I see him looking at the ladies when we're out. I turn a blind eye, I don't like it but hey... However, to actively seek out other real-life women in that context- it's a no go to me.


My W says I can look all I want (just can't touch). Heck, she points out eye candy. Why? Because she says I make her feel wanted and valued and loved and more. Yeah, I think she's confusing me with someone else as well. But then again....

It's about being wanted, about trust and about love. So just be open and honest about your concerns and do it in a loving, supportive and non-threatening manner. That way he has an easy choice between fouling up something wonderful or keeping it.

I know, its not easy....


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