# Am I wrong?



## MBA in hand (Mar 16, 2010)

I am 36, wife of a Navy Lt.Cmdr and stay at home mother of three beautiful children. After 12 years of marriage I am finishing my MBA and divorcing my husband who is tall, handsome, faithful, a wonderful provider and father and all that stuff. His only flaw is that he is boring. 
My family says I am being selfish and abandoning my duties. I say I have sacrificed twelve years of my life and all I got was stretch marks. I really believe that we don’t love each other anymore. 
I want more.
Am I being unreasonable?


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

I'm a little concerned with the language you use here. The last 12 years of your life have all been a sacrifice? All you got was stretch marks? Really? Sounds like you got "three beautiful children" as well... 

How is the fact that you "want more" incompatible with your marriage? Can you give us a little more background? What is "more"?


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## MBA in hand (Mar 16, 2010)

My husband doesn't even know who I am. He is dull, boring and has no interest in becoming involved in anything I want to do. He is a great father. As a husband, as in his Navy career, he is an absolute one-percenter. Dude without noticeble flaw is boring.

I want to dance, and make romance, and he wants to play his guitar with his headphones on. I carry my weight in the marriage. I am loyal and faithful, our kids do the dishes without complaint, every day. They go to bed on time on their own, on time, every day. Those things don't happen by accident, and I home school the oldest who is 11. But I want more.

99% of woment would kill to trade lives with me, but hey, I'm a one-percenter too. I got the MBA sewed up this summer, and I'm getting a divorce. In the MBA program I meet people who are interesting and see things I want to do.

I want more than I've got, a lot more. Still, my parents tell me I'm being selfish and stupid. I love them, but I've done a lot better in my life that they ever did, and I want more.


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## MBA in hand (Mar 16, 2010)

By more, I mean I want to be more important than the second in command of a five person shop.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

Have you told your husband that the marriage you have isn't the marriage you wanted? What did he say?


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## PastorBob (Mar 16, 2010)

MBA in hand
Why is having an MBA such an important thing to you? What does it show to you?


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## MBA in hand (Mar 16, 2010)

artieb said:


> The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.
> 
> Have you told your husband that the marriage you have isn't the marriage you wanted? What did he say?


Told him? Do I sound like a moron? We have been in counseling for two years and the divorce has been filed and I have one of the best lawyers in the state. When I told my 11 year old she said that she wasn't surprised and said you and dad never do anything together.

I want to go for a weekend of cross-country skiing in the mountains and he wants to go to a casino and play poker (at which he wins because he has multiple engineering degrees and never misses another player's tell). I think gambling is stupid and he thinks walking around in the woods is pointless.


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## PastorBob (Mar 16, 2010)

I get the feeling that you don't know your husband any better than you say he knows you. It might be nice to get acquainted with your husband before you find someone else.


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## MBA in hand (Mar 16, 2010)

PastorBob said:


> MBA in hand
> Why is having an MBA such an important thing to you? What does it show to you?


Because I won't be waiting tables after I leave him. One of the great fears that holds women in bondage is the fear of poverty: the fear that they can't make it on their own.

I wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer in school, but I was always in the study group with the sharpest knives because I put the group together and managed the relationships in the groups. 

The return to grown-up endeavors was also every bit of the awakening I hoped for. I love my children, and used to love my husband, but their conversations are limited, if you get my drift.

I am still loyal and faithful but my days of turning heads on the dance floor are rapidly fading. It is time to make the move.


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## MBA in hand (Mar 16, 2010)

PastorBob said:


> I get the feeling that you don't know your husband any better than you say he knows you. It might be nice to get acquainted with your husband before you find someone else.


My husband's work is both technical and classified, not a lot to share in that department.

His idea of fun is to sit on a folding chair, play his guitar with the earphones on, and watch the kids move around the house. It sounds like a woman's dream, till you spend a decade trying to talk to a man wearing earphones.

Don't patronize me with the likelihood of my ignorance about my own situation. Give me moral or ethical reasons that will cause me to see my parent's point of view. That is why I am here. One last check to see if I understand what I'm doing.


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## BeanCounterWife (Mar 17, 2010)

What is the ages of your children? Childcare could be mighty expensive....

I think people should be happy--maybe other women would kill to have your Hubby, but if you're not happy....then it doesn't matter, does it?


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

I guess I am disturbed by your remark that "I sacrificed 12 years of my life and all I got was stretch marks". Nothing about children you love, nothing about sharing your life and growing closer to another person.

Presumably you found him exciting enough at first to marry him, but now you are bored. If he doesn't like the Great Outdoors, and you don't like gambling, how did you end up together? At one point, you apparently wanted children, but now you don't seem to rank them very highly on your list of "what I got".

This leads me to two concerns:

1) If you haven't formed a strong connection with your husband over these last 12 years, you may dump him, find someone else, not form a strong connection with that person either, and be just as unhappy a few years down the road. If the problem with your marriage is that you don't form strong connections with people, no amount of switching people around is going to fix that, because that's a problem you'll be taking with you from one unsatisfying relationship to another.

2) If you're still a stay-at-home mother, and the kids are all in school, it may not be that your husband is boring, but that your LIFE is boring. I got hurt about 15 years ago, had to take time off work, but my wife still went to her job. After about two weeks of being at home by myself all day I was starting to go crazy. I did pretty well at first: reread some of the great classic books, watched some good movies we had on video, and so on. But after two weeks I just wanted to go somewhere besides my house and do something interesting that had a purpose.

If you get a divorce, that's kinda hard to undo, and it may be that all you need is a job. If you get a job, and six months from now you still want a divorce, you could go ahead and get one then.


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## PastorBob (Mar 16, 2010)

I was not patronizing you. I was asking questions and making observations based on your word choices. It is very hard to talk with someone you "don't know" very well. I can better understand your ideas about what life is like on the "outside" after hearing of your study groups. I've been in business and hung out with some pretty big "shots". I didn't get any "happier". Let me suggest something different.

I have seen many people (who felt like strangers to their spouses) who have made the effort to bridge the gap. You can't work on his classified projects but you could join him in jamming on the guitar. Better yet, have him teach you how to join in on his fun. Or maybe you can challenge him at the crap table!  He can't remember anything helpful on that game! I don't think anyone is "better off" turning away from promises made, vows taken, life lived for many years, shared experiences and shared relationships with children and other family....without having made every effort to "find the joy again".

Your lives are being run like two trains on two different tracks running in different directions. Find someway to get on the same track for a little while. You might find it more fun than you can imagine now.


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## MBA in hand (Mar 16, 2010)

BeanCounterWife said:


> What is the ages of your children? Childcare could be mighty expensive....
> 
> I think people should be happy--maybe other women would kill to have your Hubby, but if you're not happy....then it doesn't matter, does it?


Child care is expensive, for 12 years it has occupied my every waking moment. I love my children, my husband and I both love them and the youngest is now in school. I have a perfect on-time record in three different soccer leagues. My kids, 11, 9 and 6 are each other's best friends. I'm not going to abandon my children, but I am going to establish different priorities now that they need me less.

Get the job for six months and then decide is a reasonable suggestion emotionally, however, my divorce lawyer tells me that I am in a far better position if I get the divorce while still a student.


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## MBA in hand (Mar 16, 2010)

Why I married him.

When I went to junior college I almost married a left-handed pitcher because we were near graduation and everybody else was getting married. Thank heaven I didn't. He was beautiful, but weak and dumb.

When I was in the four-year college I was there for my Mrs. degree. I picked a Chemical Engineer, handsome, great big shoulders, little bitty hips, and in Navy ROTC. You should see him in his dress whites. We graduated together, married, with the first child. It just seemed like the thing to do. 

I worked my way through school as a waitress in expensive restaurants. Nobody parties like wait-staff so I'm not a waif wondering what the real world is like. My husband didn't have the emotional impact that other men did, but he adored me, and would obviously become the wonderful provider and father that he now is. What could go wrong?

I have had jobs, and been promoted, wound up head-hostess at one of the restaurants at Pebble Beach while hubby was doing a tour at the Presidio. I was still at my family's beck and call, and my job was just a little thing. With all his good points my husband does not much think about anything except what he wants to think about. I can't change him.

I married him for better reasons than most people get married. I love our children, but I want more, I want to be more.


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

artieb said:


> 1) If you haven't formed a strong connection with your husband over these last 12 years, you may dump him, find someone else, not form a strong connection with that person either, and be just as unhappy a few years down the road. If the problem with your marriage is that you don't form strong connections with people, no amount of switching people around is going to fix that, because that's a problem you'll be taking with you from one unsatisfying relationship to another.
> 
> 2) If you're still a stay-at-home mother, and the kids are all in school, it may not be that your husband is boring, but that your LIFE is boring. I got hurt about 15 years ago, had to take time off work, but my wife still went to her job. After about two weeks of being at home by myself all day I was starting to go crazy. I did pretty well at first: reread some of the great classic books, watched some good movies we had on video, and so on. But after two weeks I just wanted to go somewhere besides my house and do something interesting that had a purpose.
> 
> If you get a divorce, that's kinda hard to undo, and it may be that all you need is a job. If you get a job, and six months from now you still want a divorce, you could go ahead and get one then.


:iagree:

You would refuse to give your marriage another six months for fear of losing out on a better divorce settlement. What’s not selfish about that?

Don’t be fooled, just because your child said that they weren’t surprised you and their father are getting divorced doesn’t mean they won’t be emotionally scarred by said divorce. I was a few years older than your oldest and said the same thing when my parents announced their divorce. Nearly twenty years later I’m still dealing with the scars. What isn’t selfish about leaving a stable, loving family life and taking the risk of causing emotional damage to your children all so you can find a little excitement? Better yet, why are you equating life ‘importance’ (you want to be “more important”) and self-worth with something material such as an MBA? 

No husband and wife are ever going to share exactly the same interests all of the time. That would be boring in itself. Why not develop friendships with people who share some of the interests your husband doesn’t so you have a friend to go cross country skiing with while still having family time with your husband and kids?


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## sunrisehope (Mar 6, 2010)

Never lose sight of those 3 children! They are the most important factor when it comes down to it.


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## lost2010 (Feb 26, 2010)

WantsHappiness said:


> :iagree:
> 
> You would refuse to give your marriage another six months for fear of losing out on a better divorce settlement. What’s not selfish about that?
> 
> ...




I agree. This whole thing almost leaves me speachless....almost.

I only know what you have put on the chat here- not the whole story of course, but to me, it almost doesn't sound like you really want the advice? Maybe you really do and I am misreading the tone here.

From the way you talk it seems like you are not willing to try to fix the marrige, no intent on giving it time to try to make things better. You want out. Flat and simple. 

In my opinion, if you are headstrong in that mindset, you might as well get the divorce done and overwith. I can't imagine being married to someone who obviously doesn't want to be in the marriage and doesn't want to try for the marriage is bery healthy. 

I hope that when you are talking about the divorce being better now than later does not mean that you plan to clean out your husband when you go? If he is a good man, father and husband as you say, I really don't think he deserves to be takien to the cleaners just because you feel like you need your freedom. 

Who is going to have custody of the kids? If you leave and take full custody (or even joint) your life will still revolve around your family life- that is part of being a parent. I don't see how moving out/getting divorced is going to lesson that responisibility. When in the same home and married you can still have hubby watch the kids on days/nights that you want to go out when he is not at work (same as not living together- he still couldn't babysit for you while you are at work) on top of getting an actual babysitter- that could happen with or without divorce. 

BUT like I said - If you're not in it, refuse to be in it, then it's already dead. I can only hope that you two can handle the divorce in a mature manor.


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## MBA in hand (Mar 16, 2010)

Re: Give it another six months

I’ve been doing that for years. The youngest is finishing kindergarten, the time is now or…when the youngest finishes high-school…or when?

Re: Better divorce settlement

I’m divorcing the man, not adopting him. I’ve been working on the timing of this for years. My parents are outraged, but my sister tried to talk me out of marrying him twelve years ago. So, the family is divided.

“What isn’t selfish about leaving a stable, loving family life and taking the risk of causing emotional damage to your children all so you can find a little excitement?”

That is the key to the question about the morality of what I am doing. Either I am duty bound to spend my life in service to my loved ones. Or, my loved ones are duty bound to understand that I must live my life by my own lights, however faint.

So, now that we understand the question…I will welcome your suggestions.


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

I had a longer post typed but I’m not sure it’s going to do any good so I will put it this way. What is more important, your children’s wellbeing or your ability to be a free bird? 

This, as you spelled out, is your moral dilemma. Only you can answer this question, you hold the key to your own moral code and sense of values. I think in your heart you know what’s right. You wouldn’t be asking the question if you didn’t. 

I hope that whatever you decide, however your life turns out, you will print this thread to read sometime in the future when all of the decisions have been made.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

MBA in hand said:


> Re: Give it another six months
> 
> I’ve been doing that for years. The youngest is finishing kindergarten, the time is now or…when the youngest finishes high-school…or when?


To be clear, I meant "get a job using your MBA and see if that doesn't provide you with enough interesting purpose that you don't feel differently". There's no magic right time about anything, but if you're going to make a change and see how it comes out you have to give the change time to take effect.

Waiting another six months without changing anything is probably pointless, as you suggest. If you don't change anything, of course nothing will be different. But you should start with smaller changes and work up to bigger ones.

As for your question, there are a combination of duties. Your children had no say in being born, and until they can take care of themselves your responsibility to them is paramount. At the same time, children of a really unhappy marriage with lots of yelling and such aren't best served by keeping the marriage together.

I've hardly done a perfect job running my own life, so I'm not going to tell you how to run yours, especially when you know much more about it than I do. But as a general rule, reversible steps (like getting a job) should all be explored before the irreversible steps (like the disruption of a divorce) are tried.

Have you thought about what happens next? Suppose you get a divorce; realistically, what comes after? Will you want custody of the children? Will your husband fight? How much money gets burned up on lawyers? Do you start dating immediately, or do you want to be on your own for a while?

A divorce isn't the end of the story: it's just the end of a chapter. But your story will go on.


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## Jdack (Dec 3, 2009)

MBA in Hand,

Only you can answer if you have given your marriage the best shot, you certainly deserve to by happy, everyone is, even you husband if he wants to play his gitar.

You mentioned that you have gone to counceling for two years -has there been any improvement at all with his actions regarding what is important to you, even some improvement?

You sound like you are very organized and run the show sort to speak in the house and just wondering if this includes initating to do things with your husband or are you wanting him to initiate to do things with you and not be boring? Does your husband flat turn down your request to go out dancing, dining, and other things. He may not want to do somethings no more than you may want to play gitar, thats life. Reason I bring this us is that my wife oftened complained about us not doing things together before and it was a strain in our marriage after 12 years, and I often put it back on her shoulders to set up and arrange things for us if she wanted to do something, but she was never much for initiating, so it would not go anywhere and she was not happy. I had to take that responsibility on as the initiator in our lives as I was in many other areas and now I just automatically arrange for a sitter every other weekend or so and just make reservations for us to go to a nice restuarant for dinner, we have a favourite live band/restuarant that we like to go to and can enjoy a nice evening of adult dancing and fine dining and this has helped us alot, but I had to make the moves - so to answer your original question "are you being unreasonable" depends on who is usually responsible in your relationship for making things happen I think plays a part as well (maybe it's 50/50, 90/10 in your case?, but if you have taken the reasonable steps to try and help your husband be less boring than that is great, but if it hasn't helped, then again, you deserve to be happy too.

Are you and your husband able to have a healthy sexual relationship during any of this or in the past two years while going to councelling? Has it always been the same or was sex better earlier on in relationship? For me, it was hard to connect with my wife for a few years while we went through tough times and sex was very infrequent for us and it did not make me want to do things for her, especially when she would turn down offers to have sex regularly. thankfully, this is behind us and much much better now after only a few months with a counceling session and some help form the people on this forum.

I hope you can find your answers.


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## marriedbutalone (Mar 18, 2010)

well when it comes right down to it only you can honestly answer that question,i tend to think that if there are children involved its worth the sacrifice to stay together,but thats just me,...i do understand your point of view however ,as life is short and why stay married and miserable...if you had no kids id say just walk away if thats what you truly want to do....but you have kids so....again its your call


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## poets't heart (Jan 1, 2010)

Sounds like you are caught in a mid life transition.


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## dantanph (Feb 7, 2010)

Wow! Some intense discussion here.

To make the mood lighter, MBA, do you want to exchange husbands? I am sure my H will provide you with much excitement. He is a thrill seeker and an adrenaline junkie!

Anyways, kidding aside, I must say you are a very head strong woman and you should be proud of yourself! Congrats on that MBA, too!

Based on your posts, it looks like you are a mind over heart type of person and you rationalize about things. You make your mind rule you rather than your emotions. Nothing wrong with that. I am actually the same way. Our difference, however, is that I tend to put mi kid's happiness and the happiness of those dear to me my priority second to mine. When I know that the people dear to me are happy, I would be happy, too. No matter how lonely it will be for me, I am willing to make that big sacrifice.

Going back to your issues, why don't you try for a separation first. Make it an open relationship of sorts and see whether you will find the excitement you are looking for. This will also give your husband a time to assess whether you are the wife he wants to spend the remaining years of his life. If at the end, you mutually decide that divorce is the best route, then go for it.

I sense that you are a shrewd person. What I meant by this is that you think things through. Choosing actions where the risks to you are at the minimum. At this point, that is what you want to do --- divorce your husband at his current rank at the military while you are a student (obviously, with less income). Of course, this will be taken into consideration when alimony is calculated! Isn't that very smart of you? It is good to be smart but not at the painful expense of other people, more so, those who are dear to you.

I honestly wish you and your family the best. I pray for you to have an open mind and heart to do what will make you and most of the people you love, happy!

Cheers!


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## MBA in hand (Mar 16, 2010)

Thanks for the interest and the thoughtful responses, I will certainly take your opinions into account in making my decisions. I will try to address some of the comments.

Re: Separation

I am a Navy wife. We have had separations. This places a moral burden on me to conduct myself as a married woman. Children know everything, and example is the only real teacher: I will not set the example of an unfaithful wife.

Re: Trade Husbands

Cute, but I have never heard of an example where that worked out for anybody.

Re: Change his interests

My husband is a 1%er Naval Officer. His will is even stronger than mine and I am not going to change him. His manners are perfect, his conduct is honorable, his decisions are his own. I told him to change or lose me, and he said that he has always loved me, still loves me, and will hate to see me go.

Re: Sex

That isn’t the problem. The man is excellent at everything he does.

Re: Results of counseling

None. Compared to my husband the counselors are children. That was an away game for him, but he shrugged it off. 

Re: Mid-life Crisis

Absolutely, now I need a mid-life decision.

Re: What happens next

I hear they are hiring in Singapore.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You sure are quick with the criticisms of the men you know. Boring. Dumb. Weak. And you seem to have an amazingly high opinion of yourself.

Maybe that's a good place to look first.


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## Jdack (Dec 3, 2009)

You speak so highly of your husband, I am having trouble getting my head around what exactly it is you want him to do or not do that is anoying you? He obviously is not excellent at everything thing he does or you would not be here unhappy and wanting more! 
Can you elaborate as to what you would be happy with if he changed what it is you want hime to change? IF he is a bright man and able to accomplish what ever he wants, why is he not able to meet your needs? HAve you actually said, I would like you to do this...... you mentioned skiing before, and he justs says no way, not doing it, yet he pleases you sexually, provides for you, financially helped you get your MBA which you are so proud of and should be.

I preume that you loved this man enough when you were married and loved him for who he was, did not marry for wrong reasons, for financial support , You had children together, not just one, but three right? To leave someone you decided to have children with because they are now boring seems like small issue, or is there much more to this?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you make friends while in school? Maybe some male friends?


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## MBA in hand (Mar 16, 2010)

Again, thanks for the interested questions. Perhaps answering them will help me make my decision.

Re: Skiing

My husband skis like a dream, on the green slopes and works on perfect form. I ski blacks and trees. We put the kids in lessons and take off in different directions in the morning. When we meet for lunch, I have never seen any snow on his hat, if you get my drift. If you understand this difference in the way we ski, you will understand a lot about why I am leaving him.

Re: I’m being a selfish jerk

That thought has occurred to me, in fact that is just how my mother phrased it. When I Googled “Leaving a Good Husband” I got zero responses. If I accept that a good husband and 3 beautiful children makes me a slave for life to the social building block called marriage, then I am clearly a selfish jerk and should be ashamed of myself. It is the slave for life part that chaps me.

Re: Why won’t he change to meet my needs?

He would listen respectfully to that question, and might thoughtfully reply: “Perhaps you should be the one who tries to adapt to me.” Then he would smile and put his headphones back on.

Re: My Social skills

I was the girl who played football with the boys in 6th grade, was a cheer leader in HS, and played Volleyball in junior college, and was a study-group organizer in MBA program where my nickname was “Mom“. I have always gotten along better with males than females, if that is a failing: so be it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you been making male friends at school?


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## MBA in hand (Mar 16, 2010)

Turnera,

When I said Thanks for the questions, I meant except for yours. We all got it that you are accusing me of adultery. What a nasty finger-pointer you must be. You have my sympathy for posessing the kind of low, prurient, nature that would cause you to accuse strangers of infidelity. My sympathy also to those who have let you close to them, I am sure they have paid a price.

I am here to collect opinions and advice, not insults. Please go away.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

People usually protest the most when they don't want to answer the question. And they are usually oh, so eloquent in their responses, lol.

Actually, I wasn't accusing you of adultery. I was wondering whether being around other males had made you wonder about, and compare, your husband to them. Greener grass - tasted or not - is usually the nudge people need to decide they are unhappy. It would behoove you to be honest with yourself on your motivations, for the sakes of your children, whose lives you will be destroying for your own happiness.

And I notice you still have not answered the question, though I have posted it twice. Reason?


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## MBA in hand (Mar 16, 2010)

Please go away, you nasty troll. Go kick a kitten or something. You are not welcome in my conversation. Do you even have any idea how much of a pain in the rear nasty finger-pointers are to the rest of the world?

And yes, you were accusing me of adultery and then you just did it again, you absolute horror-show of a person. 

I ask again, as I am sure you have been asked many times before, Please go away.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wow.

Um...you _asked_ if you are wrong.

I asked if you are doing it for the right reason. So...I answered the question YOU asked.

nasty troll
kick a kitten
nasty finger-pointer
horror-show
asked many times...Is this how you always deal with opposing views? By launching such vitriole? How does that usually work for you?

If you don't want anyone to disagree with you, you shouldn't post such a question.

And you still never answered, lol.


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## lost2010 (Feb 26, 2010)

turnera said:


> Wow.
> 
> Um...you _asked_ if you are wrong.
> 
> ...



I just wanted to say that I find your advice and opinions to be very good. I've gotten to the point where I will look for things you have had to say because I feel like you are a person I could learn from.


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## MBA in hand (Mar 16, 2010)

There is a "report abuse" button on every Comments section on the web, and on this advice site, there is no such button.

I take my leave, thanks for the memories


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## lost2010 (Feb 26, 2010)

there is a report abuse in the bottom left hand corner on everyone post under there name


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Wow no lack of ego here. Just leave the guy, you had your mind made up before the thread began.


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## DeeKay1 (Mar 3, 2010)

MBA in hand said:


> I am 36, wife of a Navy Lt.Cmdr and stay at home mother of three beautiful children. After 12 years of marriage I am finishing my MBA and divorcing my husband who is tall, handsome, faithful, a wonderful provider and father and all that stuff. His only flaw is that he is boring.
> My family says I am being selfish and abandoning my duties. I say I have sacrificed twelve years of my life and all I got was stretch marks. I really believe that we don’t love each other anymore.
> I want more.
> Am I being unreasonable?


MBA in Hand,

It's interesting that you want to leave your husband because he's boring. Based on what I've read on this thread, I'd have to guess that you aren't the most interesting person either. Your screen name "MBA in Hand," along with the number of times you refer to your graduate school experience, tell me that you, too, are probably quite boring.

In today's world, MBA's are a dime a dozen, especially now that dozens of colleges offer online MBA programs. And with all due respect to those that hold an MBA, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to earn that degree. 

I hold advanced graduate degrees and I, too, in my younger years, thought it was quite impressive to others that I was so highly educated. But, within about a year of completing those graduate degrees, I realized that my plumber and car mechanic were both smarter than I, and that no one really cared about the graduate degrees I earned. Now that I've been out of graduate school for many years, I look back and laugh at how inflated my perception of holding graduate degrees was.

There are two major accomplishments in my life that I am most proud of: (1) being an unselfish and loving husband who would do anything for my wife, and one who would stand by her side no matter what, and (2) being the best father I can possibly be to my children.

Now that I am nearing retirement, here's how I view what's important and most meaningful in my life on a 1-10 scale:

My graduate degrees: 1
My career: 3
My marriage and role as husband: 10
My relationship with my children and role as father: 10

Now, in your opening post you asked for our opinion regarding your decisions. Here are my views:

(1) You are selfish
(2) You put your needs ahead of your children's, risking their emotional and psychological well-being
(3) You have low self-esteem (that is evidenced by the way you flaunt your MBA.)
(4) You are going through a mid-life crisis

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you well. Most of all, I hope that your decision doesn't have long-term negative effects on your children.

If you're searching for happiness, don't count on your MBA being the source of it.

I wish you well.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Incredibly wise reply.


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## lost2010 (Feb 26, 2010)

martino said:


> Wow no lack of ego here. Just leave the guy, you had your mind made up before the thread began.


:iagree:


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## Jdack (Dec 3, 2009)

MBA in Hand,

Wow, talk about blasting the people who are taking the time out of their day to help you with a problem. Asking for help means you may have to answer some questions if you want to be helped. I didn't see turnera's question that far out there and it doesn't imply that you have actually had an affair, but it did cross my mind if you had started falling for someone else for some time, again, not saying you did, but when trying to get to the root cause of problems/marriage issues, one has to dig in and get all the facts to understand what is going on.

Based on the way you have replied to others on this forum and I can only assume you may treat your husband similarly, and if you do, I understand why he may not want to do things for you.

All the best


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lost2010 said:


> I just wanted to say that I find your advice and opinions to be very good. I've gotten to the point where I will look for things you have had to say because I feel like you are a person I could learn from.


 btw, thanks, lost. I don't intentionally hurt people. But I've found over the years that those things we most heartily avoid, or reject, or deny, are the things we most desperately need to look at. 

None of us wants to admit we are anything but perfect. But the truth is, we're all just human, with all a human's foibles. Admitting that is the first step toward repair and happiness. At another site, I spent two years denying my hand in my marriage's problems. I didn't want to admit it. My self-esteem couldn't handle it.

Until it could.

Owning my half of my marriage's problems was the best step I ever took. Because I found, once I did, that my spouse was over there, on his side, feeling just as miserable as I was. But it took me coming to a place like this and learning what to do - what MY role was, to take the first step toward healing.

People who walk away from a marriage, especially with children at home...well I just ache for them, the whole family, because the poster is here, at a learning site, with tons of great advice and ideas, that could keep that family together and not harm the kids, and if they choose to ignore it all and trudge ahead...

fwiw, MBA, if you're still reading, my H was the same way - into himself, his stuff, not a care for me, and I hated him for it. Until I learned humility and admitted my half, and saw him open up and shed the armor he had put on because of MY actions. I saw no way that he would ever turn around and give me what I needed - he just didn't ever do it. But once I took the first step, he met me halfway. He surprised me. Your H is 'boring' for a reason, which likely is connected to you, since you're the only person he's married to. If you're willing to work on your marriage, instead of just walk away to find this fun new life you're so enamored of, your H will probably surprise you, too.

Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster questionnaire, two copies. Fill it out and ask your H to fill it out. You'll learn how to stop LBing each other so that your marriage isn't in the red. It's a great first step toward him becoming less boring.


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## lost2010 (Feb 26, 2010)

To Turnera:
You're welcome and it's true. 

I am just beginning the part of swallowing my pride and looking at things on my end that are contributing to the problems. Not exactly easy to do, but worth it.


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## DeeKay1 (Mar 3, 2010)

MBA in hand said:


> I am 36, wife of a Navy Lt.Cmdr and stay at home mother of three beautiful children. After 12 years of marriage I am finishing my MBA and divorcing my husband who is tall, handsome, faithful, a wonderful provider and father and all that stuff. His only flaw is that he is boring.
> My family says I am being selfish and abandoning my duties. I say I have sacrificed twelve years of my life and all I got was stretch marks. I really believe that we don’t love each other anymore.
> I want more.
> Am I being unreasonable?


The more I look at what "MBA in Hand" has said in her posts, I believe that we have been "punked." I think that her post was a hoax, just trying to see how we'd react.

Anyone agree?


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

MBA in hand said:


> Re: I’m being a selfish jerk
> 
> That thought has occurred to me, in fact that is just how my mother phrased it. When I Googled “Leaving a Good Husband” I got zero responses. If I accept that a good husband and 3 beautiful children makes me a slave for life to the social building block called marriage, then I am clearly a selfish jerk and should be ashamed of myself.


Suppose you left your family and were totally free. What would you do? Hike the Appalachian Trail, jog the Great Wall of China, write a novel, swim the English Channel, bungee jump off the Eiffel Tower, what? Is there some reason you can't do that now?

If what you want is "Go to Paris with a great dancer who understands women as well as Casanova", that's probably not something you can do in your current situation (unless, when you present this plan to your husband, he says "Okay. Send me a postcard."). But if what you really want is to be a helicopter pilot, or a lumberjack, or write a bestselling book explaining why the stock market collapsed, can't you just do that now?

I don't see that there's any positive thing you want; I see a sense of dissatisfaction, but that's all.

Also, there's a point I'm confused on. It seems that your husband is smug, or self-satisfied, or arrogant, or whatever word is appropriate, about how he's great at everything. But it also seems that he has no interest in how good a job he does at being a husband. When you first said "It's too bad you're not smart enough to be a good husband", how did he reply?

My wife suggested that the book _Please Understand Me II_, by David Keirsey, might be of some help. Using the Myers-Briggs type inventory, you can do the standard test, and then it has chapters which explain what your score means. What's useful about this is that you can read the chapters for your spouse, and he can read the chapters about you.

Often it can be hard to explain what you think to someone whose thinking is very different, because what you think is so obvious it doesn't have to be mentioned is completely alien to them. This book (or one like it) explains things about an ESFP in such a way that an INTJ can make it out (and vice-versa).


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## dantanph (Feb 7, 2010)

MBA in hand said:


> Re: What happens next
> 
> I hear they are hiring in Singapore.



Economy is back on track here now. Do let me know if you will be around the area.

Question for you, do you think after divorce you will find what you are looking for?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, judging from the fact that she won't answer my question about another guy, what she is looking for is to be in someone else's arms...who's not 'boring.'


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## skitown (Feb 9, 2010)

First, I do not think we have been punked. MBA posted this because she has not been happy with the advice people she knows is giving her - she is looking to validate her reasons for leaving. 

I agree with the majority of the posts here. You are being very selfish. Marriage is a relationship that takes work - just like being a mother, daughter and friend. I believe there is a natural life-cycle in all relationships where initially the parties are close, then drift apart. Remaining close takes work on both ends. If you want your marriage to improve, you need to take the first step - the more you give, the more you will get in return. 

Children also come first. If the living environment is not hostile or destructive, I believe it is best to make the relationship work. Yes, we only have one life - and who wants to be miserable - but remember, your children only have one life too and divorce will more than likely have a negative impact on them and potentially their future relationship with a significant other. Is that what you want. You need to find ways to make it work. 

Be thankful that you have a hardworking, handsome, loving husband. Reading some of the other posts regarding marital issues, you should realize what you have. Life could be alot worse.


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## BeanCounterWife (Mar 17, 2010)

Tunera!

I LOVED your reply to MBA!

I wanted to suggest that she was interested and/or having an emotional affair with someone from her classes, but I wasn't sure how it would have gone over here (being a new member and all)...

I was a 10 year member of marriagebuilders.com forum and they banned me over something stupid---the program is EXCELLENT, just beware of the forums--moderators are partial to those who PAY for counselling.

Regardless--I felt from the very beginning that MBA had made up her mind and felt guilty. I've BEEN there...I think we all have at some point in our lives.

Good for you for speaking up...I feel badly that she ripped on you the way she did....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

T/J: BCW, I have heard a lot of things about the moderators there - that's why I don't go there any more, I have an issue with one of the mods - but I hadn't heard about the partiality. Good to know. Explains a lot.

Anyway, thanks. I can handle people ripping on me. I know I was asking her questions she needs to be addressing, so the onus is on her. I just wish she'd be open to doing so, at least for her kids' sakes. She seems like a VERY outspoken aggressive person who pretty much knows - and takes - what she wants, so this is probably her SOP. The language she uses against people who question her is very telling, as is leaving a place where she doesn't get what she wants.

I just hate that her kids will get less of their father in their lives now, just because she has an agenda.


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## lost2010 (Feb 26, 2010)

From the sound of her comments the father might be seeing more of the children than she will. She didn't make it sound like the husband was the only one she was bored wiht (sorry to sound so negative, but being a mom her comments rubbed me the wrong way esp the "all I got out of it was stretch marks" or "being a slave to my family") 

The only way to not be a "slave" for your children to me would to be to flake the responsibilty of them. She mentioned going to Singapore, and obviously with out her husband. Can't not be a "slave" to them if she took the children with right?

The divorce settlement to me is also crappy. I'm HOPING she doesn't mean to "take him to the cleaners", she never did answer me on that...


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