# The receiving end of 180



## JDW (Jun 20, 2011)

My wife filed for separation 4 weeks ago I asked me to move out. I have always been loving and tried to be kind. She says I am a good father. I have been seeking help for a porn addiction that has broken my wife and pushed her away. I tired many times to stop, but never came to a place of complete surrender until she told me to go. My life and soul are completely changed. I know recovery for me will be long. I am broken for the pain I caused over the years. I was never intentionally hurtful, but I was blind to the brokenness I was causing. The wife is glad to have me gone and has much more peace. I am glad for that. She wont talk to me at all, however, about the separation or our relationship. I know she needs to heal. I dont ask that she take me back or forgive me. I only wish she would show some interest in me or let me know what she is thinking. I love her so much. How should I treat her. I wrote her a letter telling of my love and what God is doing in my life. I send her a few texts about missing her and how broken I am about the pain I caused. No response. She is civil when talking about the kids. Only asks that I get my own car insurance and cell phone. My pain is deep, both being rejected and knowing the pain I caused. What should I do when I am on the receiving end of a 180 and want to reach out to one I have hurt so deeply? I will wait as long as it takes to show her my change, my love. The waiting is hard. Any perspective ladies?


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

The most annoying thing is when you've finally worked up the nerve and courage to move on, all of the sudden the immovable wall is moved. Leave her alone. She doesn't owe you anything and your desire for acknowledgment is more selfishness. If she wants to talk, she will talk. Otherwise learn from your mistakes and release her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> The most annoying thing is when you've finally worked up the nerve and courage to move on, all of the sudden the immovable wall is moved. Leave her alone. She doesn't owe you anything and your desire for acknowledgment is more selfishness. If she wants to talk, she will talk. Otherwise learn from your mistakes and release her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep immovable wall is not necessary anymore so just vaporized replaced by distance.

Agreed JDW that you just need to let her be, if she loves you and wants to leave the possibility for reconciliation on the table trust that she will be patient... if she moves on it means she wasn't going to wait for you anyway. It is REALLY hard to let that go, no matter which end of things you are on.


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## JDW (Jun 20, 2011)

I know that it is selfish. But I don't know where to turn with my longing to just have her say that she is done with me, or there is hope, or she is glad that I am gone, or glad that I am seeking help. Nothing.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Turn to god. And let everything else go. 

As for her being glad you are seeking help, maybe she is and maybe that is accompanied by a lot of resentment that you didn't do it all the years she begged and pleaded with you. You want a "good boy" now? Take your lumps like a man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

JDW said:


> ...I don't know where to turn with my longing to just have her say that she is done with me, or there is hope, or she is glad that I am gone, or glad that I am seeking help. Nothing.


Like CC said, turn to god, or friends, or this message board, or inwards, or to a counselor or to a hobby or towards your goals. Whatever you turn to its not right to turn to her because she has asked for space, she is telling you to not turn to her, so you need to respect that. Like you said the waiting is hard, but you said that you would wait as long as it takes, so time to follow that commitment. You need to detach and let her detach before she will even reach out or accept your calling.


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## JDW (Jun 20, 2011)

Should I let her know anything? A text to let her know I am thinking about her? Praying for her? Missing her? Sorry for her pain? Should I just let her be? I want her to know that I will always lover her and that she is always on my mind. She always was as I saw her pulling away some time ago, but I did not have the power to stop my addiction on my own. I never wanted to hurt her so. My dreams are gone as well. It is hard to know what to do.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

No don't put any of this on her, she is trying to make the best decision for herself and to her that means cutting off contact with you as much as she can. If you love her then just focus on yourself. If you really have a need to let her know you are making progress then a quick line to let her know may be beneficial to you, but, I assume you went through all the pleading, apologizing begging etc already so anything that resembles that kind of behavior will just be another failed attempt. So if you do contact her be concise, clear, polite and brief, anything else and your just weighing her down with your problems. And keep it infrequent, say once a week at the most otherwise you are just harassing her. And don't expect a response!


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

You are demonstrating the same desire for instant gratification that got you into this mess.

Are you not reading the leave her alone part of our posts? 

You need to face that it wasn't some nameless faceless addiction that hurt her. It was you. You didn't mean to hurt her? You didn't care that you were though.

Fix yourself and accept that you may very well have blown it with her. And also understand that 4 weeks without porn isn't "cured". You have a long way to go. 

For her, you broke her heart, her trust and her spirit. You haven't even begun to make up for your choices. If she doesn't want to talk to you, prove your beginning changes by leaving het in peace. If you can't do that, you prove you aren't someone she would want to know. Afterall, it is all about you, just like the porn was.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JDW (Jun 20, 2011)

Thank you guys for the honesty. I never begged or pleaded. We have not talked about anything related to the separation at all. I just have sent her some text and a letter know that I see my pride and selfishness like I never have and that I am getting help for my addiction. I see that I need to give her space. I just wonder if it is helpful at all to let her know that I still love her and want to fight for her. I dont want her to forgive me or take me back and I have never asked for that.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Dude, leave her alone. 

Stop thinking about yourself! That's all I am reading here. You, you, you. You don't want to say anything for her, it is for you. Selfish. Feel sorry for me. Boo hoo. You are nowhere near a changed man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

JDW said:


> ...I just have sent her some text and a letter know that I see my pride and selfishness like I never have and that I am getting help for my addiction. I see that I need to give her space. I just wonder if it is helpful at all to let her know that I still love her and want to fight for her. I dont want her to forgive me or take me back and I have never asked for that.


You have said enough, she knows you love her but she's afraid of what that means. There is nothing you can say at this point to lessen her pain, time is the only healer for both of you right now. You obviously do want her to forgive you and take you back, even if you haven't uttered those words. You know what? - she still loves you too, though she may not want to give you the satisfaction of hearing that. That does not mean she won't forgive you but it does mean she may not want to take you back and that is her right. If you can't accept that then you don't trust her, in which case you will be closer to finding the real reason why your marriage wasn't working. Sorry to be so blunt, I know you are hurting right now, but she is hurting atleast as much and if you love her then you will put her feelings first and that means giving her the space she is asking for.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> You are demonstrating the same desire for instant gratification that got you into this mess.


Amen to this. LET HER GO.


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## JDW (Jun 20, 2011)

Thank you all. This is a growing and learning time for me. I have many flaws. Talking to you all has helped me know that it is good to give her space and let her move on. I only have responsibility for myself. It is hard to see selfishness when all you want is to know what she is thinking, but that is really what it comes down to. Control. Pride. I do trust her-she has a good heart. She did the right thing for us both by separating from me. If she chooses someday to talk, it will be certainly undeserved by me.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Now you are getting it. Think of it in terms of respect. You didn't respect her before. If you don't honor her requests now, what have you learner?
You are in a situation where you have to change for yourself. You can't do it for her. You have to want to be a better man so you dont repeat this again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JDW (Jun 20, 2011)

Along the lines of pride, I would often chase the wife around the house when she was mad at me for something. I would demand that she hear my apology, not forgive me, just hear me out. I would pester her. Try to control her. To me, I was being nice, telling her I was wrong. I had a hard time thinking that she was not happy with me or mad at me. I think these same issues are at work here. Some acceptance issues.


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## Shianne (Feb 5, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> The most annoying thing is when you've finally worked up the nerve and courage to move on, all of the sudden the immovable wall is moved. Leave her alone. She doesn't owe you anything and your desire for acknowledgment is more selfishness. If she wants to talk, she will talk. Otherwise learn from your mistakes and release her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dead on balls accurate... it's an industry term


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## Shianne (Feb 5, 2011)

JDW said:


> I know that it is selfish. But I don't know where to turn with my longing to just have her say that she is done with me, or there is hope, or she is glad that I am gone, or glad that I am seeking help. Nothing.


My stbxh pushed this with me. He wanted to hear if there was hope and pushed and begged... said he wanted to know either way
I had been undecided but in light of the pressure I went with the safe answer. I do not have time to wait for him to do what he promised for over a decade. I told him there is no hope. 

I meant there is no hope. There never was any, I just like fantasy

careful you don't back her into this corner I am in...

He turned that night and "rededicated himself" to "proving himself" in other words annoying me over the next ten years... oh, and making my babies cry...


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## JDW (Jun 20, 2011)

Just remember that if we are sincere, there will be real and lasting change. Give us a chance. We husbands know we have failed, but our love is deep and our pain of loss, rejection, and failure is just as big as your pain for what we did to you.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

JDW said:


> our pain of loss, rejection, and failure is just as big as your pain for what we did to you.


No. Just no.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> No. Just no.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


correct... the betrayal of trust is what hurts the most, the grief is just an after affect. rejection and failure definitely are by far in the realm of the betrayed not the wayward, though yeah you will have some rejection and adequacy issues too, just it hasn't knocked you flat.

I was told by a friend its not good to compare pain, not because they are equal in magnitude just because as a betrayed spouse you won't heal until you can let the pain go.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

JDW said:


> Just remember that if we are sincere, there will be real and lasting change. Give us a chance. We husbands know we have failed, but our love is deep and our pain of loss, rejection, and failure is just as big as your pain for what we did to you.



Nope, not seeing that all from my H. I seriously doubt that he is or has felt any of the feelings described above. There is no way that his pain is as big as mine for what he has done to and the family. I no longer have a home, I have no income, I'm still trying to recover from brain surgery and the after affects that I contend with daily, the list goes on. 

Yeah, he has lost... the love, respect and support that I provided to him for 25 years. While I have my imperfections, I am only human, I was always there for him, through thick and thin. He will never find exactly what I gave him everyday. He now seems to be living "footloose and fancy free" while I struggle with everything minute by minute.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Remember how many chances you already blew. Why should you be given yet one more chance? Seriously.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JDW (Jun 20, 2011)

I don't deserve anything. I only pray that God could someday restore the greatest thing that ever happened to me that I let slip away: my wife. I don't want another chance. I want a new start. I love her greatly and though I wanted and tried to change many times, I never took the steps to get myself right. It took her leaving for me to really see what I had become and what I had done to her. The realization of my selfish behavior and blindness is chrushing. I had dreams of loving and cherishing her. She is such a wonderful person. I know I have to let her go, and I have. But given time I just pray that she will see the change and maybe love me again. I am responsible for her pain and if I take care of myself I can still dream that I can make things right with her, honor my marriage vows, and build a stronger relationship than we ever dreamed of. It is just a prayer.

By the way, the wife did open up to me about what she was feeling. She said that she had no feelings toward me one way or the other and that is the only way that she is getting through this. She is glad that God is working in my life, but how can she know that it is going to stick or that it will last. She does not know that my heart is changed. It was good to hear her. I simply told her that she can't know and only time will show. I said that I have no expectations on her and I know that I can only focus on myself now. Only time will show my change of heart. It was comforting to hear her, but I know that in many ways she is trying to move on. I think that given enough time, there may still be a place in her heart for me.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

You might want a new start but it isn't possible. The only way to get a new start is with someone else who isn't already traumatized by you repeated disregard. 

So now that you got the validation you so selfishly wanted, are you going to leave her alone?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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