# He asked for time. what does this mean? how long to wait?



## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

My boyfriend and I have been together for years. We plan to move in together and marry within a year. Recently, his kids from a prior relationship moved closer.Before, they were 8 hours away and he rarely saw them in person. Now that they are closer, the time and communications with me decreased greatly. He has been desperately seeking another job to help support them. 

I expressed concern to him about the decrease of attention to us. I asked him was it that he just wasnt that into me anymore. He blamed the issue on making up lost time with his kids and being very focused on finding a job. He told me that he was trying hard to balance his life and make me happy as well.

Well, about a week later - i asked if we could meet for lunch. He said that evening would be a great time. Once i had my day closed up and was free, i called him to finanlize our plans but his phone wasnt on. I took my night bath planning to call him later. But when i got out, i had a message from him.

He said that he has a lot of things going on. He asked me if i could give him some time. He added that he wasnt ignoring me or anything, he was just going through something. 

I have been saddened over this....


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

In my honest opinion, if you plan on being in a committed relationship, he should share with you. This is a bad sign already. If he is stressed out, he cuts you out of his life until he has the time again. I don't know your situation well, so I am only guessing from the sidelines.

I am sure you want to be involved, if only listening. Your communication has already broken down, and communication, especially emotional communication, breeds intimacy, trust, and a deeper connection. Before you continue the relationship, make sure you seek help with communication skils for each other. We all learn to talk, but we don't learn to listen, and convey our emotions.

I would postpone the idea of a wedding until you both have your issues resolved. I am sure you don't want an absentee husband.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

I'm sorry you're sad...

Now you're seeing a true view of the man you're about to marry.

A man dedicated to the well being of his children. A man willing to go that extra mile to ensure a relationship with his children. A man who is not afraid to work hard to contribute more financially in raising his children.

He didn't have the opportunity before. Now he does. If you want to measure how he would be a great father if you had children, I think he's doing pretty darned good.

If you really love him, give him some time to be able to make everything balance. The holiday season is upon us, he'll probably want to spend some of that time making memories for his children.
Try to be accommodating of that.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

If you want to continue the relationship, I think you have to put aside your own needs for a short time and let him figure out what he has to figure out. If this is an honest man with honest intentions, pushing him at this point is showing a lack of support and understanding. What will be will be. Hopefully this is a short term thing and he opens up to you eventually. If you give him what he asks and he still keeps you at arms length long term, choosing not to include you in his life, then it wasn't meant to be.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

He has never been the type to speak on his problems. His motto is to let things roll off and not make bigger problems out of things. I have always admired his positivity. 

He actually took me by surprise recently because he shared with me that his life is hard right now. He said he needed a better job and that he couldn't keep living without having enough money. That actually nearly ripped me to shreads.

I do truly love this man and i realize that even more now. I didnt tell him what i needed to talk about. My plan was to tell him i feel like we should work on our communication and to give me a visual on how i would fit into his life now that his kids are such a huge part.

He is a great father and i admire that. I am trying my best to br patience and understanding. In the past he asked me to hang in there.

I really dont know what this giving him time thing is or why


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Janis said:


> My boyfriend and I have been together for years. We plan to move in together and marry within a year. Recently, his kids from a prior relationship moved closer.Before, they were 8 hours away and he rarely saw them in person. Now that they are closer, the time and communications with me decreased greatly. He has been desperately seeking another job to help support them.
> 
> I expressed concern to him about the decrease of attention to us. I asked him was it that he just wasnt that into me anymore. He blamed the issue on making up lost time with his kids and being very focused on finding a job. He told me that he was trying hard to balance his life and make me happy as well.
> 
> ...





1) There are some red flags here. He said he wants to balance things and make you happy too but obviously that's not happening. They are his kids, granted, but they aren't yours and if he does get married to you, you will need to know where you stand priority wise. 

2) There is no excuse for his lack of communication or time. Yes, there is an excuse for a reduction of it but this isn't some new boyfriend who you can just throw away and move on, this is a guy who you are supposed to be marrying soon. Not acceptable.

3) Yes, he wants to reconnect with the kids and will need time and the understanding that goes with that and noone is saying to fully thrust you into that situation yet. However, I wouldn't be leaving the woman I am marrying on 1st base either. He should be thankful for your patience and show you that thanks by keeping in touch with you and carving out at least some time. 

4) If he is asking you to 'give him some time' and ts you to be patient, he should at least give you an idea of what it is that is going on you can have a better understanding of why you are making extra sacrifices at this point. Are the kids healthy ? When the kids move closer,did the ex come with them and is she causing problems ? 

5) I am always wary of 'space' and 'time' lines. I AM NOT ALLEGING any inappropriate activity as you would have a better gauge of that than me ??? But without any explanation and you being moved to the bench, you have a right to know what is going on......

6) I know some here will say you would be wrong for crowding him, but you aren't. You are in the dark of what is going on and it is causing pain and he's not receptive to that. Mr Fisty is right, delay the wedding and protect yourself until you are sure that whatever the situation is will not have a negative impact on you. This board is filled with people who ignored red flags before marriage and got married anyway.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

I think you should just back off. Let him show you where you stand. You have made it known that you are here for him so if he is still not responsive he either needs more time to sort things out or he is not interested. Either way there is no point in you pushing it.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

wmn1 said:


> 1) There are some red flags here. He said he wants to balance things and make you happy too but obviously that's not happening. They are his kids, granted, but they aren't yours and if he does get married to you, you will need to know where you stand priority wise.
> 
> 2) There is no excuse for his lack of communication or time. Yes, there is an excuse for a reduction of it but this isn't some new boyfriend who you can just throw away and move on, this is a guy who you are supposed to be marrying soon. Not acceptable.
> 
> ...


In the conversation we had last week, my goal was to find out where I now stood in his life. At the time, he reassured me that I was one of his priorities and it was explained that he using every bit of his free time to find another job and with his kids. He expressed the desperation to find this job. I gave him my understanding of the situation. There have been issues with the kids and money, so I do understand that part. 

We were communicating each day, but actually spending time together was low. It is like things had picked up a little, but not much. This was when I planned to talk to him again. I wanted to actually tell him that we needed to work on our communication. I was also going to tell him what all needed to happen in order for me to be content. If we couldn’t come up with something or weren’t willing to, I was actually prepping myself to move on. However, I didn’t have a chance to do this because this is when he mentioned going through something and asked if I could give him some time.

The only issue he has ever expressed to me was that the kids ran out of groceries and needed his help etc. The issues are always money related. Evidently their mother is having a hard time and he can’t do much to help.

I really don’t know what to expect with the giving him time thing. I mean, I’ve never had anyone ask this of me before. What would you guys advise? I’ve been reading on it and the articles keep saying to not call or text. At the time time, I don’t want to just sit in the dark. There comes a point in which something has to transpire. But, I don’t know when that is or how to approach it right.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

thefam said:


> I think you should just back off. Let him show you where you stand. You have made it known that you are here for him so if he is still not responsive he either needs more time to sort things out or he is not interested. Either way there is no point in you pushing it.


My thing is that I basically asked him last week if he were not interested anymore. Also, this is not just some guy I have been messing around with for a couple of months. I've been with him for years. This is a man I plan to marry.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I was on his side of things until he blew you off for dinner and asked for "time." If this was just a boyfriend, he is absolutely handling things the way he should. But this is your fiance. I"m with Mr. Fisty and WMN1 on this....


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Janis said:


> My thing is that I basically asked him last week if he were not interested anymore.


Im assuming he responded something along the lines of he was still interested but the circumstances right now are difficult, right? So really what can you do. He seems like a good man who is trying to be there for his kids. I guess it depends on how you feel about time lost but if it were me I would give him a little more time and space before I moved on. During this time you can think about whether or not you would want to deal with the possible drama that is connected to his ex and kids right now.You might end up deciding thats not the life for you.

Trust me you will have a full plate dealing with your own marriage and possible children that you may not want to deal with the extra stuff.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Janis said:


> In the conversation we had last week, my goal was to find out where I now stood in his life. At the time, he reassured me that I was one of his priorities and it was explained that he using every bit of his free time to find another job and with his kids. He expressed the desperation to find this job. I gave him my understanding of the situation. There have been issues with the kids and money, so I do understand that part.
> 
> We were communicating each day, but actually spending time together was low. It is like things had picked up a little, but not much. This was when I planned to talk to him again. I wanted to actually tell him that we needed to work on our communication. I was also going to tell him what all needed to happen in order for me to be content. If we couldn’t come up with something or weren’t willing to, I was actually prepping myself to move on. However, I didn’t have a chance to do this because this is when he mentioned going through something and asked if I could give him some time.
> 
> ...



Time is a slippery slope. I am married to someone who, throughout much of our relationship, have worked opposite schedules, dealt with enormous stress (work related) and despite all of these issues, have always managed to carve out some time for each other as we are our own top priority. It's just life that gets in the way. 

All I am saying is he is not doing well in communicating to you and letting you know why you are sitting in the dark. Communication is very key. People can make sacrifices more easily if they know what they are sacrificing for and even specifically. 

Look, I am not calling him out per se but three things I do know 
1) If communication is breaking down now, then why would similar issues in the future would it be better ?
2) I believe that he should be leaning on you and desiring to be near you to help him alleviate his stress and to make up for the problems they are having (which by the way you did not create but seem to be struggling as a result of). This instead of pushing you away. 
3) You are really not asking for much but seem to be getting less than 'not much'. Do yourself a favor, keep a log and go back after a few weeks or so and read that log as though it was someone else's story and think about how you would tell that person to handle the story. Then you have your answer. OR you can arrange another meeting as simply ask "What's up ?!!!" and sit back and see the transparency and situation for what it is so you can make a better informed decision as it seems like you are preparing an exit strategy just in case this goes south


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

Why don't you just ask him what he means when he says he needs time? You are engaged, tell him if wants to marry you then that means 50/50, you don't deal with things individually, you deal with them together. You have have security in your relationship, he needs to understand that and provide it to you, and vice versa. 

I think there is more to this though...


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Yes, he said that there wasn’t a lack of interest but that he was very busy trying to feed his kids. I understood. As I thought on it more, I realized that the time he is now spending to find another job will just be replaced with the actual job. My question for him was going to be where does that leave me. I need a better idea of what his vision for us is. But, we weren’t able to have that conversation.
I guess my question for you guys is what would you do in the situation. I literally search online to find the best way. The articles keep repeating the same theme which is to not call or text because I’ll smother them. But at the same time, when he asked for the time – it wasn’t supposed to have anything to do with me at all. So with this being a new situation for me, I don’t know if I’m supposed to ask or what.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Maybe I am selfish, but if I did not feel I were a priority, I would just move on. 

A man who already has children already has his priorities, imo. I think he is correct to put them first.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. Just sharing my honest view.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

If he doesn't have the time for a relationship, he definitely won't have the energy to make a marriage work. Fact is the days he doesn't work, or have the kids, he should have the time to work on your relationship. He may be using no time as an excuse. You can't be in a marriage with an absentee husband who comes and go when it suits him. 

Have a heart to heart conversation, and tell him your fears. Tell him if he doesn't have time for you now, what makes it more likely he will have time when he works. You feel that this relationship won't work, because, a marriage requires work and energy. Ask him to be honest if he can meet your needs. Give him time to think about it. In the mean time, you have to live your life as if your single. People can't simply put on hold a relationship, and come back into it when it is convenient. It will breed resentment, and stress the bonds. Relationship takes working together, and unfortunately you don't have that, which is a red flag.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Observer said:


> Why don't you just ask him what he means when he says he needs time? You are engaged, tell him if wants to marry you then that means 50/50, you don't deal with things individually, you deal with them together. You have have security in your relationship, he needs to understand that and provide it to you, and vice versa.
> 
> I think there is more to this though...



your last line is my sneaking suspicion.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

Janis said:


> Yes, he said that there wasn’t a lack of interest but that he was very busy trying to feed his kids. I understood. As I thought on it more, I realized that the time he is now spending to find another job will just be replaced with the actual job. My question for him was going to be where does that leave me. I need a better idea of what his vision for us is. But, we weren’t able to have that conversation.
> I guess my question for you guys is what would you do in the situation. I literally search online to find the best way. The articles keep repeating the same theme which is to not call or text because I’ll smother them. But at the same time, when he asked for the time – it wasn’t supposed to have anything to do with me at all. So with this being a new situation for me, I don’t know if I’m supposed to ask or what.


Get the answer right now. Maybe he will give you an answer that makes you comfortable and this all goes away. Bottom line, you have to have security. Tell him you need to talk now, not later, and he needs to communicate what's going on. If you are confident that he loeves you and wants you, then at that point back off and support him through this tough time. If you are not, tell him you need some time apart. That's what I would do...


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

How far apart do the two of you live now? If you two are within an hours drive of each other, and you are willing to meet him, I still don't understand why he cannot see you at least once a week. Job searches don't normally happen on weekends, and the kids need to meet you anyway if you are to be step-mother. 

I agree that taking care of the kids first is a wonderful trait for him to have. But what if he is 'taking care' of the kid's mother too? Just food for thought.

You keep asking what to do now, i.e. text/call him, or ignore him. But I think you should take this time to determine if this is something you want to deal with or not. Like mentioned above, realtionships cannot be "put aside" to be picked up later when one gets "too busy."


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> If he doesn't have the time for a relationship, he definitely won't have the energy to make a marriage work. Fact is the days he doesn't work, or have the kids, he should have the time to work on your relationship. He may be using no time as an excuse. You can't be in a marriage with an absentee husband who comes and go when it suits him.
> 
> Have a heart to heart conversation, and tell him your fears. Tell him if he doesn't have time for you now, what makes it more likely he will have time when he works. You feel that this relationship won't work, because, a marriage requires work and energy. Ask him to be honest if he can meet your needs. Give him time to think about it. In the mean time, you have to live your life as if your single. People can't simply put on hold a relationship, and come back into it when it is convenient. It will breed resentment, and stress the bonds. Relationship takes working together, and unfortunately you don't have that, which is a red flag.



I agree or.... before you live your life like you are single, tell him you've given him enough space patiently already and he needs to make a decision (an ultimatum if you will) or else everything is in jeopardy.

The last thing I would want to see is for you to move on from him prematurely and then find out in 2 weeks that his needs were sincere and genuine and you blew up the relationship by acting single. 

IN OTHER WORDS, find out what is wrong and what he is doing and demand to know now !!!!! Put it through the stink test and if it passes and he's willing to incorporate you into it, all is good. If it doesn't and he's not, then move on. 


I agree with Mr Fisty that people can't put relationships on hold (except war deployment or if you are in the CIA or something, then it's understandable. )


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Live your life as if you are single. When you love someone, you make time. He wants space. He is a man with children and his first priority. The ex is in the picture as well. Are you sure that his commitment has not shifted from you to the children & the mother of his children? This picture will not change. How old are you? Can you live like this for several years?

If I am in your shoes I would move on. It will hurt but you will heal. You deserve a life with someone who will make you first priority.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

I agree that kids should come first. My main issue is that all of this is sudden. They had very limited time with him for years. Now, t hey get all the time they want. It's like all of this is happening to me all of a sudden and it's hard


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

I don't think he is messing around with their mother. That just isn't a thought. I'm going to take what I have learned from here and speak to him about this tomm. 

I'm going to want to know what he is going through so that I know what I am up against.

Then, I'm going to want some type of idea of what our future looks like together. I'm not going to demand a routine or schedule but as someone said - we should be seeing each other at least once each week. 

If that can't happen, I will have to move on. It will hurt, but it hurts now.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Did he not pay child support all those years they were away? Why does his monetary obligation to his children change just because they move closer? I don't understand that part. 

When my ex and I split, I ended up moving to an adjoining state. He followed 6 months later (due to work.) He finally started showing more interest in the kids, which was a very good thing. He started visiting them at the home we were living in, and I facilitated it because I was thrilled that thier dad was finally showing interest. 

And then he started staying longer and longer. And then he would come back to my room and talk to me. And then he tried to hug me. 

I told him it felt weird and that I was not comfortable with it. But I asked him to please keep coming to see the kids. 

Guess what stopped after I shut him down from the hug? 

What are his feelings towards his ex? How old are the kids? How long have you two been seeing each other, and how long ago did they separate?


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

Juggeling multiple things is what we all do, everyone has a priority list. He may feel secure with you and thus feel he has some latitude or he may want out of the relationship. It really could go either way. I know I could not imagine going a week without seeing my fiancee. And even if I couldn't see her, she would know it was killing me not to be with her. Hopefully you let us know how it turns out.


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## independentgirl (Nov 14, 2014)

Roselyn, I agree with you.
When you are in a relationship wtih a man whom have children, then you should know that his children will always be his first priority. And if he give up his children just to be with you, then that show he is not even worth it to be with.

I always have more respect for a man who put their kids as their #1, and the mother of his children will always be around, whether you happy with it or not. That is why you must ask yourself the question, can you really be with a man who have children.

And if you love him, give him all the times he needs. If you feel like you can't wait, then move on. And if he loves you, he will come to you at the end.
I don't know about other women, but for me, I would never put my bf/fiance' in a situation where he have to choose between his kids or me. I will just quietly walk out, the kids needs their dad more than me.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

Janis said:


> I agree that kids should come first. My main issue is that all of this is sudden. They had very limited time with him for years. Now, t hey get all the time they want. It's like all of this is happening to me all of a sudden and it's hard


A man who is more than willing to spend "limited" time with his children should have been your first clue that this man is flawed. His children come from a broken home and he should have made it his priority to spend all the time with them that he can. Now, and looking at this from the kid's point of view, Dad has replaced Mom with now YOU. If Dad suddenly lessens the time he is now spending with them because of YOU, the children will notice and likely resent you.

There is nothing wrong with him being with his children, but now any decrease in time with them because of you puts you in a bad spot...you suddenly get to be the bad guy in all of this! 

I know you love this man, but sometimes the baggage we bring doesn't surface right away (kids far away PLUS he wanted you to like him) and when it does, it's often too much to handle. He is now telling you who he really is and you should listen!!


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

He made payments, but it was never enough. The mother even took out papers to have the amount increased which it was denied. The mother’s income has since decreased. The kids now come over each day after school until they leave later that evening. That’s dinner and anything else they need. He has 2 girls and a boy. The girls are in middle school and the boy is in high school. I’ve been with him for 2 years. He has been split from his ex since the youngest was a toddler. I don’t feel any type of way about her. She seems nice, quiet.
Does it seem like I’m competing with his kids? I hope not. 
To be clear, he wasn’t “more than willing” to spend limited time with his kids. I will contend that he has been an amazing father. I can never take that from him no matter what he does. He called them all he could and spent time with him as often as he good. There were elements that made that time low. He definitely wanted to be with them


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

That paints a better picture. Good for him for being the best dad he could be.

Perhaps this is genuine. But have you even met the kids?

When my BF (we live together now) and I were dating, he spent time with his son alone. That was at MY isistance. But since then? I am a part of the family and am included in family things. Even before we moved in together, I was around him and his son. The fact that he doesn't want to include you with the family unit should also be another concern you raise. I have children that live with us as well, and even in the same household my BF recently raised concerns that I was inadvertantly making him feel left out. I addressed the issue. If you two are to be married, you NEED to feel like a unit, not the odd (wo)man out.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Like I may have said before: He recently confided in me that he was going through hardship. Every promising position rejects him due to lack of qualifications & he isn't able to provide for them the way he wants. If he is really having a breakdown or going through something, I just would hate to jump out and make relationship demands instead of doing what he asked which is to give him some time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are two different issues here. 

One issue is his children. If they don't even have food to eat when with their mother, then he has take care of them. He is finally getting more time with them. That's good, they need it and he needs it.

The other issue is your relationship with him. You have dated him for 2 years. He's not overly committed to you if he is not telling you what he is going on with him and his children. You might want to set a time limit of 3-6 months. After that, if he has not included you in his life with his kids then you should move on.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> That paints a better picture. Good for him for being the best dad he could be.
> 
> Perhaps this is genuine. But have you even met the kids?
> 
> When my BF (we live together now) and I were dating, he spent time with his son alone. That was at MY isistance. But since then? I am a part of the family and am included in family things. Even before we moved in together, I was around him and his son. The fact that he doesn't want to include you with the family unit should also be another concern you raise. I have children that live with us as well, and even in the same household my BF recently raised concerns that I was inadvertantly making him feel left out. I addressed the issue. If you two are to be married, you NEED to feel like a unit, not the odd (wo)man out.


Yes, they know me. We haven't done the "We're going to marry each other" bit. I am uncomfortable with it now because it is like they are reuniting. I think it is too soon.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> There are two different issues here.
> 
> One issue is his children. If they don't even have food to eat when with their mother, then he has take care of them. He is finally getting more time with them. That's good, they need it and he needs it.
> 
> The other issue is your relationship with him. You have dated him for 2 years. He's not overly committed to you if he is not telling you what he is going on with him and his children. You might want to set a time limit of 3-6 months. After that, if he has not included you in his life with his kids then you should move on.


A lot of this is what I had planned on talking to him about. what the future looked like.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's asked you for time and space. How much is the question And he probably doesn't know. He sounds overwhelmed at the moment now that the children are back in his life every day and money is tight. 

Providing for them is his first priority and it's doubtful he can focus on your relationship at this point. Yes, many men could do both but he apparently can't. Sure, you can ask him where all this is going and how much time he needs but he probably doesn't have any answers now. 

That leaves you deciding how long you want to put your life on hold and wait.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

I think I need to ask him what is he going through. I need to know instead of allowing my mind to wonder and risk assuming or jumping to conclusions. I will ask him later tonight which I would have given him 2 days of time. Then, once I know what is wrong we can go from there..


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Janis said:


> Yes, he said that there wasn’t a lack of interest but that he was very busy trying to feed his kids. I understood. As I thought on it more, I realized that the time he is now spending to find another job will just be replaced with the actual job. My question for him was going to be where does that leave me. I need a better idea of what his vision for us is. But, we weren’t able to have that conversation.
> I guess my question for you guys is what would you do in the situation. I literally search online to find the best way. The articles keep repeating the same theme which is to not call or text because I’ll smother them. But at the same time, when he asked for the time – it wasn’t supposed to have anything to do with me at all. So with this being a new situation for me, I don’t know if I’m supposed to ask or what.


To be honest, I was never interested in developing a relationship with someone who had children. If he was fantastic, it didn't matter, he was not for me. Split priorities. I wanted a partner who was just a partner to me and a father to *our* children, not a provider for another family, a father to other kids, an ex to a woman who needed help raising their kids etc. 

Some would say I'm selfish, but I see it as realistic. I knew what would work for me and what wouldn't. I'd had enough of being a non priority in my childhood. I was keen to finally mean the world to someone. I'm glad I waited, because I found that person.

What would've happened if I never found him? I was fully prepared to go it alone. It was all or nothing, and it really didn't affect anyone but me. It was a very personal choice, so I can't really advise you what you should do, but I wouldn't want to be Mr Right's 2nd/3rd/4th priority. That wasn't enough for me.

You have to decide what's enough for you.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

breeze said:


> To be honest, I was never interested in developing a relationship with someone who had children. If he was fantastic, it didn't matter, he was not for me. Split priorities. I wanted a partner who was just a partner to me and a father to *our* children, not a provider for another family, a father to other kids, an ex to a woman who needed help raising their kids etc.
> 
> Some would say I'm selfish, but I see it as realistic. I knew what would work for me and what wouldn't. I'd had enough of being a non priority in my childhood. I was keen to finally mean the world to someone. I'm glad I waited, because I found that person.
> 
> ...


I suppose this is a learning experience for me.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

If he loved you enough, he would be arranging for you and his kids to spend time together.

Do you think that he considers you unchild-friendly?


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

No. He thinks that I am wonderful with my nephews and is very motherly. We had a plan as far as my on hands involvement with his kids was concerned.

This weekend, I re kindled a hobby of mine. I also went out to dinner with some friends of mine. Through it all, I found myself in sadness, confusion and with knots in my stomach. I decided that is no way for a person to be. I don't deserve to feel that way. 

I only read one chapter of the book and it has only been a few days since I haven't spoken to him, so I may have done the wrong thing by deciding to contact him. However, I find it inhumane to sit in the dark with a big question mark over my head and I wasn't going to do it. When you're in a relationship, I think a person should have some type of clue of what is going on and how long it will be. I may not be in agreement with whatever it is, even if I love them. 

I'm an in person type of person when it comes to having conversations. But, I just wanted to get this over with. I typed up how I felt and pasted it to him. There may be mistakes in what I communicated but it was coming from my heart. 

I told him that I needed clarification. I said that he asked for time but is that a week, a month, 8 months or does he actually want out. I asked for what type of compromise he was looking for so that I could have solace and know what I am sitting on. I told him that I felt blown off in a way and that I have realized over these few days that my love for him is real. I mentioned some of my favorite memories of us but told him that I could respect him if he provided what I ask. Regardless of what his reply was.

I know you may look over this and think that some of what I said wasn't the best but it's me. Relationships should end properly if they are going to end, not fade slowly with games. If that is what is going on. In either case, I will have my confirmation one way or another and I can move forward with my life.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Janis said:


> I know you may look over this and think that some of what I said wasn't the best but it's me. Relationships should end properly if they are going to end, not fade slowly with games. If that is what is going on. In either case, I will have my confirmation one way or another and I can move forward with my life.


Nothing that comes from the heart is going to be the perfect thing to say, because we're not perfect people, so I think that as long as your intention is to be truthful, you can only take the risk and hope it's received in the way you want it to be received.

I think it's a brave thing to ask for what you want, and deciding that you'll deal with whatever the consequences may be. Right now you need to know if it's on or if it's off and you're not happy to sit somewhere in between, and I think it's great that you've understood that about yourself, and have been truthful with him.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Prior to this did you get any indication that he was perhaps loosing interest in you. If so this may be an escape move to try and slowly ease out of the relationship. I've seen it done. If not and you believe he is overwhelmed give him some benefit of the doubt and some space. Not like six months but maybe couple weeks to get into a new routine with job and kids.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Prior to this did you get any indication that he was perhaps loosing interest in you. If so this may be an escape move to try and slowly ease out of the relationship. I've seen it done. If not and you believe he is overwhelmed give him some benefit of the doubt and some space. Not like six months but maybe couple weeks to get into a new routine with job and kids.


There was an extreme decrease in our level of interactions. I asked him 2 weeks ago if he had lost interest in me. He said it wasnt that, but that he was trying his best with everything. 

I cant sit in the dark and be tortured.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

I would worry that he is wanting more time because he is reconnecting with his ex. I've heard that one before and he was seeing someone. He needed time to cheat.

Not say this is the case but it is a possibility.

I think it is great he is thinking of his kids if that is all it is. If he can't give you the time you need you might should consider moving on if things don't improve soon.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Thebes said:


> I would worry that he is wanting more time because he is reconnecting with his ex. I've heard that one before and he was seeing someone. He needed time to cheat.
> 
> Not say this is the case but it is a possibility.
> 
> I think it is great he is thinking of his kids if that is all it is. If he can't give you the time you need you might should consider moving on if things don't improve soon.


I just want the truth.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

I just called him to see if he got the message. I didnt get an answer. I feel like i am losing it. I will not contact him again. I am in shock


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You're assuming he has answers and maybe he doesn't. Or he might but doesn't want to say so. He's the only one who knows what he's thinking and until he decides to respond -- assuming he does -- you won't know either. 

Try not to focus on him right now.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Sometimes relationships can end so abruptly that you're left reeling. I think this is one of those times. Sorry you're going through this, I feel for you.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

I hate it to. I dont deserve this. I will pull through


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## Basic"FairyDust"Love (Nov 19, 2014)

Janis said:


> I hate it to. I dont deserve this. I will pull through


It's best that all this happened before you moved in together and especially before you married him. The situation would have been far more difficult then.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Basic"FairyDust"Love said:


> It's best that all this happened before you moved in together and especially before you married him. The situation would have been far more difficult then.


I wish it could have been more aimable.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Janis, you have been with him for 2 years. You've put in your time, enough that you deserve better than to be blown off like this.

Let me translate "I need time, no idea how much, and meanwhile, I don't want to talk to you at all" from guyspeak into womanese for you.

When a guy says this to you, what he is really saying is

"I'm not really a guy you want to waste time being in a relationship with any more. When things get tough, and they will, I WON'T BE THERE FOR YOU."

Don't be mad at him.

Be glad that he showed you that he isn't suitable marriage material, before you married him.

Go find a guy who likes you so much that he doesn't ask for time off from you.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

NotLikeYou said:


> Janis, you have been with him for 2 years. You've put in your time, enough that you deserve better than to be blown off like this.
> 
> Let me translate "I need time, no idea how much, and meanwhile, I don't want to talk to you at all" from guyspeak into womanese for you.
> 
> ...


Really what is tearing me up the most is that this couldnt have been discussed. He was just in my face saying that he l loved. He could have told me the truth. It hurt either way but this way a little more.


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## independentgirl (Nov 14, 2014)

Ms. Op, I don't know how to give advice on your tough situation, since I am not dating a man with children.
But I know that if you love someone, give them time. 

I give an example in my relationship
If I can have 1 penny for each time my boyfriend said he wait for me, I will be loaded by now, lol
He always said "When ever you ready, I'm just waiting for you."

In our relationship 'love pace", I am the slow one, very slow. 
He sure have alot of patience as he always asking me if I am ready to do this, to do that, etc...
Like right now, he wants to sleep overnight at my place, but I feel that I am not ready, so he going to have to 'wait' some more. 
He still wait, because in his eyes, this girl is "worth" it for him to wait.

So if your fiance' worth it for YOU to wait, then wait for him, if not then just move on.

And Ms. Op Janis, next time you see him, LOOK INTO HIS EYES when you ask your questions. 
I don't know about your fiance', but my boyfriend eyes show it all. He can't lie to me with his eyes, I can tell if he still loves me or not by the way he looks at me.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Janis,

This is why I strongly disagreed with the people on here who said "give him space". 

1) There is a difference between "space" which is often a dumping line and 'backing off'. When my wife gets home at the end of a stressful day and is in a mood, I 'back off'. Space is a fatal line in relationships. Being apart is never a good thing. It enables people to cheat, or grow mentally distant.
2) You've only been going out with this guy for 2 years. Not long enough to really know him through and through.
3) The one poster here I agree with is the one who said they couldn't go out with a guy with kids. Me myself, I am not a 'rescuer'. I would not get into a relationship where I am not #1 but where I treat the other person as #1 and with the ex somehow involved. Others can accept this #2 role, you may be one who can. But this experience, regardless of what occurs, should make you think further on the subject


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

There is no looking into his eyes. It is like he knows it is serious and i cant get to him to talk


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

So when issues arise, instead of working on them together, he cuts you out of his life. He really is not marriage material. One day his kids will grow up, and no longer need him, what then? He needs a balance between work, children, and you. If you were to marry, will he leave you everytime he sees his children? I mean, your not going to play a part in his children's lives at all. His children are a big part of his life, and if that does not overlap with you at some point, you have to wonder, where will that leave you? There has to be more than love to make a relationship work, unfortunately, he is not capable. Pretty much, he is not investing in your relationship to help it grow, and without nourishment, it will die.


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## independentgirl (Nov 14, 2014)

Janis said:


> There is no looking into his eyes. It is like he knows it is serious and i cant get to him to talk


I mean can you see from the look in his eyes and still see the affection/passion he have with you? 
I said this because I read a reply, someone said 'maybe' he slowly loosing out the 'passion' he have with you. 

I don't know how to explain, but I can see it from the man eyes if they still loves and care for you, at least in my case with my boyfriend.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Janis said:


> I hate it to. I dont deserve this. I will pull through


You don't deserve this. But it's not unusual for a guy to do this.

Here is a video that I think will help you understand what is probably going on and how you need to handle it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=669II2eDQMg&feature=youtu.be


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> So when issues arise, instead of working on them together, he cuts you out of his life. He really is not marriage material. One day his kids will grow up, and no longer need him, what then? He needs a balance between work, children, and you. If you were to marry, will he leave you everytime he sees his children? I mean, your not going to play a part in his children's lives at all. His children are a big part of his life, and if that does not overlap with you at some point, you have to wonder, where will that leave you? There has to be more than love to make a relationship work, unfortunately, he is not capable. Pretty much, he is not investing in your relationship to help it grow, and without nourishment, it will die.


This is part of what i planned to talk to him about. But, he pulled this incident.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

independentgirl said:


> I mean can you see from the look in his eyes and still see the affection/passion he have with you?
> I said this because I read a reply, someone said 'maybe' he slowly loosing out the 'passion' he have with you.
> 
> I don't know how to explain, but I can see it from the man eyes if they still loves and care for you, at least in my case with my boyfriend.


Janis says that there is no looking in his eyes because he will not see her. He won't even talk to her now.

In order to look into someone's eyes, you have to be there in person with them.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You don't deserve this. But it's not unusual for a guy to do this.
> 
> Here is a video that I think will help you understand what is probably going on and how you need to handle it.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=669II2eDQMg&feature=youtu.be


Thanks! Great video!!!!! I knew nothing of this. But i am human. All i can do is move forward


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Janis says that there is no looking in his eyes because he will not see her. He won't even talk to her now.
> 
> In order to look into someone's eyes, you have to be there in person with them.


Right. Ever since i told him that i wanted to talk


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Here is something I would love to know from him but am not going to ask. It just makes me mad as I think on it.

I am sure he didn't just wake up some day last week and decide he needed time. I think it has been something on his mind. Why string me along!?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Maybe because he didn't know how to break up. Or wanted to avoid the drama. Or because he's completely gutless. Who knows. Some people prefer to just slowly fade away rather than say they want to break up. Or else they "ghost" and are suddenly gone with no more contact. There are no answers. He may not even know himself why. And he may decide to suddenly reappear. Be prepared for anything and you won't be surprised.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

He has contacted me. He said he has a job now. He asked me to thank my aunt for her help. (She advocated for him). This was all he said


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Janis said:


> He has contacted me. He said he has a job now. He asked me to thank my aunt for her help. (She advocated for him). This was all he said


I see two possibilities here. 1, he's been horribly stressed and didn't want it to spill over on you. He told you what the problems are when he asked for space and now that he's got a job he let you know that so that you know that giving him the space is working, his stressors are reducing and if you just give him enough time to work things out he'll be able to reignite with you and have the kind of relationship you both want. 2, you're dumped and he didn't have the balls to come right out and tell you.

The fact that he didn't say anything about your relationship or his continuing need for space could mean one of two things. 1, he's a communication moron. You've dated him for 2 years, is he? Or 2, you're dumped but he doesn't have the balls to just come out and tell you so he's avoiding that subject.

Someone earlier posted that he may be rekindling with his ex. That's my theory as well. I think you're on the back burner so he'll have someone to pick back up with if it doesn't work out with his ex.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

He can see and thank her when she is at work. No need to message me. I haven't replied


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You don't deserve this. But it's not unusual for a guy to do this.
> 
> Here is a video that I think will help you understand what is probably going on and how you need to handle it.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=669II2eDQMg&feature=youtu.be


Guys are certainly not only ones to pull the "I need some space" but really mean I want to back slowly out of this relationship. Its really confusing especially if you thought everything else was going good.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> I see two possibilities here. 1, he's been horribly stressed and didn't want it to spill over on you. He told you what the problems are when he asked for space and now that he's got a job he let you know that so that you know that giving him the space is working, his stressors are reducing and if you just give him enough time to work things out he'll be able to reignite with you and have the kind of relationship you both want. 2, you're dumped and he didn't have the balls to come right out and tell you.
> 
> The fact that he didn't say anything about your relationship or his continuing need for space could mean one of two things. 1, he's a communication moron. You've dated him for 2 years, is he? Or 2, you're dumped but he doesn't have the balls to just come out and tell you so he's avoiding that subject.
> 
> *Someone earlier posted that he may be rekindling with his ex. That's my theory as well. I think you're on the back burner so he'll have someone to pick back up with if it doesn't work out with his ex.*


*
*


I also agree this looks very possible. Sorry OP. Dating sucks. I hope you find someone as into you as you are them. Good luck


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Yes he has passed on conversations in the past. Said they were over his head


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Janis, you need to consider breaking up with him. He sounds like he avoids conflict. He will never be up front with you, and he may probably be hoping that you cut contact with him so he does not feel guilty. I am with the others, he may be trying to get back with his ex.

Ask yourself, do you really want a guy like that? He does not tell you anything of substance, and he can't fit you at all in his life. If he is cheating, then his actions make sense. 

I don't remember looking for a job takes that much time. He doesn't have the kids full custody. It was not like he was working at the time. From an outsider's prospective, he is avoiding you for sure. 

If you do decide to leave, call him, and state that it is over. Detach, and start going out again and living your life. He pretty much placed you on the back burner. Now you are waiting for him to see what is going on. He doesn't have the decency to give you any rational explanations. If you do break up, and he doesn't fight back, the chances of him cheating is nearly 100%. He might feel relieved that you broke up with him. Watch out for his calls in the future, if things don't work with his ex, he may want to return. In my honest opinion, he is testing the relationship with his ex, and if things don't turn out, you will be there waiting for him. If that is not the case, then he is a poor choice for a husband. He lacks a lot to make him a viable long term partner.


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## HHB (Nov 21, 2014)

So I have a different take on this than most of the other posters. My view: your guy is drowning and you throw more water on him. You come off: Needy. Whiny. Self-involved. Me. Me. Me. 

And, now you've pushed a good and responsible man away and pushed him out. He's the one who's lucky to have found out just how selfish you are and by extension how grasping you would be once the knot was tied. 

If you think this is harsh, so be it. I had a GF who met all the characteristics you display. After a similar instance involving kids layered with work stress on top of financial insecurity, I too started shucking off the things I could. She got shucked. 

Go find a man who needs a self-absorbed sea-anchor.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

HHB said:


> So I have a different take on this than most of the other posters. My view: your guy is drowning and you throw more water on him. You come off: Needy. Whiny. Self-involved. Me. Me. Me.
> 
> And, now you've pushed a good and responsible man away and pushed him out. He's the one who's lucky to have found out just how selfish you are and by extension how grasping you would be once the knot was tied.
> 
> ...


I agree that he's in over his head right now. However, surely he can take a few minutes to actually have a conversation with her and explain what's going on. But instead he is blowing her off.


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## HHB (Nov 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I agree that he's in over his head right now. However, surely he can take a few minutes to actually have a conversation with her and explain what's going on. But instead he is blowing her off.


Hi EleGirl...I'm new here and have been spending a lot of time immersed in various posts looking for help for my own issues. (I'll post my story at some future date.) I've followed quite a few of your comments which I've found to be insightful, compassionate and intelligent. In this case, your kinder-gentler observation about the BF being in over his head is better for the OP than mine, mine perhaps being triggered by personal experience. Cheers!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

HHB said:


> Hi EleGirl...I'm new here and have been spending a lot of time immersed in various posts looking for help for my own issues. (I'll post my story at some future date.) I've followed quite a few of your comments which I've found to be insightful, compassionate and intelligent. In this case, your kinder-gentler observation about the BF being in over his head is better for the OP than mine, mine perhaps being triggered by personal experience. Cheers!


Hello HHB and welcome to TAM. I hope you get the support you need here. I'll keep an eye out for your thread when you create it. 

And thanks for your kind words 

It's often very hard to separate our own triggers when posting. We all get tangled up in that sometimes.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Just a thought, but if he is dumping you this way it's going to get awkward at his new job.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

HHB said:


> So I have a different take on this than most of the other posters. My view: your guy is drowning and you throw more water on him. You come off: Needy. Whiny. Self-involved. Me. Me. Me.
> 
> And, now you've pushed a good and responsible man away and pushed him out. He's the one who's lucky to have found out just how selfish you are and by extension how grasping you would be once the knot was tied.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I'm not the most sympathetic of commenters on TAM. Only a "takes all kinds of people to make the world go 'round" mindset has saved me from being permabanned for telling some people how foolish I find them to be.

Fortunately, there are enough threads where somebody isn't being unbearably foolish, and I am able to comment helpfully sometimes, like in this one.

If you set those pesky trigger aside and go back and read Janis' posts, you'll note that she's been with the guy for 2 years. When he left her hanging with "Need time, don't know how long," she went no contact with him at all for a week.

This seems well below the threshold of "needy whiny girlfriend" to me. 

And if you set aside those pesky triggers, you'll hopefully agree that the person who says "I need some time" is the one doing the pushing out.

With those pesky triggers firmly off to one side, you might allow that a "good and responsible man" would have the, uh, goodness of character to close things off a little bit more cleanly than "need time, don't know how much." And while I applaud Janis' BF's responsible behavior where he works hard to provide for his children, I find his responsibility to at least break up cleanly rather than chicken****tedly to be failing.

And on a side note, as old as his children are, I question his "responsibility" as well as his "success," "life ambition" and "pretty much total character" given that he separated when his children were small, and a decade later he seems to be having trouble making ends meet for them.

And HEB, if you think this is harsh, so be it. Janis is on here trying to get some advice and perspective. She's not here for you to get all trigger-happy at her expense.

Go start your own thread about how life has treated you badly, and see who comes along with kind words for YOU.....

Janis, you get two exciting lessons out of TAM for the day!

1) It takes all kinds of people to make the world go 'round.

2) Some people would rather pee in your bed than change the sheets on theirs.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Hahah yes it will be. My aunt is very happy for him.


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## HHB (Nov 21, 2014)

NotLikeYou said:


> Yeah, I'm not the most sympathetic of commenters on TAM. Only a "takes all kinds of people to make the world go 'round" mindset has saved me from being permabanned for telling some people how foolish I find them to be.
> 
> Fortunately, there are enough threads where somebody isn't being unbearably foolish, and I am able to comment helpfully sometimes, like in this one.
> 
> ...


If you're going to criticize a poster, you at least ought to get the name right...it's HHB. And I trust that my comments were more helpful than some, by as EleGirl pointed out more tactfully, observing that "he's over his head." That rather than joining the moaning chorus saying that the BF is a miserable lout. Don't see that's helpful, unless of course the OP is simply looking for validation of his loutness.

You seem to be somewhat trigger happy, shooting off four times in criticism of my mea culpa/observation to EleGirl. Wisdom is intelligence informed by experience and mine experience was with a whiny, self-absorbed and insecure woman who resented my time not spent at her beck and call while I was working or dealing with my first family. So I referenced that. From your response, looks like your frame of reference extends to urination in the sheets. How helpful. Or, maybe you're just into that sort of thing. Sure am glad I'm NotLikeYou.

Oh, for the OP, move on and find someone who will make you the center of his universe.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Janis said:


> He has contacted me. He said he has a job now. He asked me to thank my aunt for her help. (She advocated for him). This was all he said


That was all? He used your connections to improve his financial situation and he didn't bother to thank you? Didn't express relief at having this major stressor solved? Didn't feel like celebrating with you? WTH Ungrateful comes to mind. 

I'll leave off any other speculations as they would only hurt your feelings. You deserve better.


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## independentgirl (Nov 14, 2014)

Ms. Op, I said in my earlier reply. If you still find him 'worth' it to wait, then wait for him.
If not, simply move on. And if he loves you, he will do everything he can in his power to keep the relationship work out with you.

You are a successful mature woman Ms. OP, if you open your heart up there are plenty of men out there for you. That man is out there, the 'man' that will put you in the center of his universe, as HHB said.

I don't know if this going to make you feel better; but I am a college drop out, and I am NOT sucessful at all, yet I can still can find a 'man' who give me his full attention, and pour affection on me. 
So if someone like me still can find love, you DEFINATELY more than capable to find one, just open up to opportunities out there.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

He messGed the news to me while i was at work and i didnt reply. The normal me would have expressed excitement.

Then he came back and messaged that about my aunt.

Fyi, i dont know if there is anything that can be said to hurt me worse


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Janis have you thought about what you will do if he contacts you to talk?

Do you feel like you're done or do you still need closure?


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

thefam said:


> Janis have you thought about what you will do if he contacts you to talk?
> 
> Do you feel like you're done or do you still need closure?


I'm taking it day by day. I consider everything so that I am prepared for anything.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

I feel for you Janis. You're in a rough spot being in limbo. Limbo is much worse because you don't know what's going to happen to you. You'll have to take control of what happens in your life now. Do the 180 etc. You've been with him for 2 years. I admire that you want to give him a chance to get his sh*t together but you deserve an answer. Especially if you really loved each other. 

This was the man you wanted to marry. Did he feel the same way about you? If so, it doesn't make sense that he wants to spend more time with the kids and won't share that experience with you. I'm a single dad and I would want to share my kids with the next person I love.

The way I see it is that either he is not sure about all of you being a family, hence the separation of the two. Or he's hiding something from you. Are you sure the ex is not in the picture? Could there be someone else? Sorry to ask these questions but you did say that you were prepared for anything. Have you done your due diligence?


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

You are jumping to all kinds of conclusions OP, although I agree he has handled this very badly. I still think there is a possability he thought your two were so secure he could take some time to handle his business and you will be there. Instead of thinking the worst and waiting, I would go see him in person and get the answer. 

Being a man is not as easy as the ladies seem to think, we carry a lot of responsabilities and pressure. You two are engaged and now he has his kids back in his life...oh by the way he has job problems. How overwhleming! He is probably asking himself nonstop how can he provide for you? Being able to provide is huge for many of us, regardless if the woman works or not. He could be killing himself to get his situation better FOR YOUR MARRIAGE.

Bottom line is all of us are filling your heads with different scenerios and I am sure you are going nuts. Talk to him, even if that means going to where he is at.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Tryingpatience: Yes, he seemed to want the same things. He was just telling me that he loved me and wanted to spend life with me. He was saying how badly he wanted his situation to improve so that ours could. All of this was stated recently. As for his kids, one of them had jealousy issues in the past. He would get jealous of his siblings relationships with their dad and throw tantrums. He took the split of their household very bad to the point where there are not many good memories that they share. In combo of these things, we had/have a plan in place as to when and how I would become hands on with them.

Observer: Yes, all of the extreme different opinions are driving me a little nuts. I had asked him for details and I didn’t get an answer before. Even that behavior isn’t new for him. If he feels that something is over the top or over his head, he tends to overlook it. Although I don’t know what he is thinking this time. Him having a job now is a big deal as it was supposed to represent change for us. Now, I am addressing things at a pace and will talk to him about the job later. I do not want to chase him nor break up because he’s supposed to be with an ex. That’s just something I don’t know for sure. I feel like things will become clear really soon now considering that the job was supposed to change a lot.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Janis said:


> Tryingpatience: Yes, he seemed to want the same things. He was just telling me that he loved me and wanted to spend life with me. He was saying how badly he wanted his situation to improve so that ours could. All of this was stated recently. As for his kids, one of them had jealousy issues in the past. He would get jealous of his siblings relationships with their dad and throw tantrums. He took the split of their household very bad to the point where there are not many good memories that they share. In combo of these things, we had/have a plan in place as to when and how I would become hands on with them.


Sorry if I missed this but has he been able to explain what he means by "his situation"? What needs to be in place before both of you can be together? Is it the job? Is he trying to protect his kids?


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

tryingpatience said:


> Sorry if I missed this but has he been able to explain what he means by "his situation"? What needs to be in place before both of you can be together? Is it the job? Is he trying to protect his kids?


The situation is not having money. We had timing set for when we are going to move in together.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Starting to lean towards dumba$$/poor communicator rather than dumping.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

He contacts often now as if nothing at all happened, as if he never asked for space, as if I never tried to communicate with him. I pretty much just stare at the phone as it rings. It's like our roles have reversed. I'm not as upset as I was. Maybe now I can make sense out of my situation and what I will do.


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## independentgirl (Nov 14, 2014)

So does that means he giving you more time now? and you guys will continue the 'moving in together' plans?
If he contact you and acts like nothing happen, bring back the topic again to him. Tell him straight out on the phone of what been bothering you, the things you wonder about him and this whole relationship, as you written in this thread.
Wish you much luck, happy Holiday to you too.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

You still deserve an explanation. You wouldn't want this kind of behavior in your marriage. Imagine how much more upsetting this would be if everything was in place.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

I agree. This definitely doesn't mean that we're "good". A lifetime of what I went through isn't going to happen. I'm going to allow Thanksgiving to pass before I press it, but this isn't a closed issue. There is a discussion that will go on.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

So all of the sudden he has the time and energy to keep contacting you. Has he even started working yet? I am not too surprise that he ignores the issues. I figured that he likes avoiding conflict. It is good for you to take the time and re-evaluate the relationship. The issues need to be dealt with, or it will breed resentment. Ignoring issues does not solve anything. Is he aware that he keeps deflecting or ignoring this issue, and has he done this thing in the past?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Well, I did not know relationships work that way. Good to know, that he can cut her out of his life, and for any certain amount of time he so desires. Well, I did not know that you should keep your partner in the dark, especially one your suppose to share a life with. Now she needs the space to figure things out, and he should stop calling her because she needs the space. And she should not give him a heads up on what she is deciding. Just leave him in the dark. Funny how he is the one calling her now. You should b1tch at his actions because she needs the space to figure out things, and she doesn't need him around to do that. So communication and understanding is not important at all.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

If you were to google, “My partner said she needs space” , hundreds of articles would result. There will be a dozen of possibilities on what it means for a relationship. There is nothing entitled at all about someone wanting their partner to be specific instead of assuming. Communication or lack of can kill a relationship. He can move 5,000 miles away but tell me in advance so I know not to think you’re at the beach.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Janis, ignore the ignorant comments. You are absolutely justified in needing to have answers and making sure this is something you can handle in a possible marriage. If MORE people took the time like you are and were HONEST with themselves about red flags, there probably wouldn't be as many failed marriages. (I am an example there myself!)

You seem like a very strong woman who is dedicated to a man that might not be as dedicated to you, and you are starting to realize that. Absolutely take YOUR time to evaluate and move forward with it, whichever direction you choose to go with it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SailBadTheSinner said:


> Yeah! Go Girl. Just keep pouting and being a prying entitled mess. That will get him to turn around, or better yet come crawling over broken glass to beg your forgiveness.
> 
> You're not owed any kind of explanation for him wanting "space." Obviously, he had problems he wanted to address by himself and based on your writings here, it's a good bet he knew you'd be like a dog with a bone and pry, nag and nag some more. So, he excluded you. You earned it.
> 
> For you and those of the siren chorus of XX chromosomes supporting you, I'd say lighten up, give the guy his space. Don't try to pull things out of him, fix, or nag. If you can't leave the poor [email protected] alone, my recommendation is that he give you some space...about 2,000 miles.


I really wish that TAM had a NOT-LIKE button.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Folks, you're all jumping all over him for the way he acted here without taking into account the likely reason for it: he's a dumba$$. If I'm correct that he's a dumba$$ then he doesn't even know there's an issue. He thinks he asked for some time to work things out, Janis gave him that time, he used it to get a job, now that he has a job that time is over so everything is back to normal.

And Janis, when you googled that you found out what women mean when they say they need space. When men say it we mean "leave me alone for a little while so I can take care of this crap".

Bottom line, I don't think he realizes how it affected you, and if you don't tell him he never will. If you break up with him over it he'll be this guy::scratchhead:


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> Folks, you're all jumping all over him for the way he acted here without taking into account the likely reason for it: he's a dumba$$. If I'm correct that he's a dumba$$ then he doesn't even know there's an issue. He thinks he asked for some time to work things out, Janis gave him that time, he used it to get a job, now that he has a job that time is over so everything is back to normal.
> 
> And Janis, when you googled that you found out what women mean when they say they need space. When men say it we mean "leave me alone for a little while so I can take care of this crap".
> 
> Bottom line, I don't think he realizes how it affected you, and if you don't tell him he never will. If you break up with him over it he'll be this guy::scratchhead:


You always have to account for the dumb-ass factor!

This seems on the extreme side but definitely have that conversation.

That Youtube video EleGirl suggested was a good explanation of how women approach relationships, if it is his dumassery at fault then ask him to watch it with you, women move in a continuous line if there are no departures from the friendship.

I need time alone but I don't have to cause a crises of uncertainty in my partner to do so.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Nucking Futs said:


> And Janis, when you googled that you found out what women mean when they say they need space. *When men say it we mean "leave me alone for a little while so I can take care of this crap".*


Men and women use that phrase to mean the same thing. Without him giving her a good, solid explanation of what was going on, it left Janis to guess. If you (generic you) care about someone, you don’t just tell them that you need space and then have no contact with them for some unspecified period of time. You tell them what’s going on and you give a time frame.. because you care about that person and don’t want to lose them. Now of course there is a good chance that he’s just a dumba$$ and has more to learn about relationship. Don’t we all. 

So what does it mean when a person, male or female says “I need space?”

1)	It could mean that they are overwhelmed with work, for family, or something in their lives and literally have no time for a relationship.


2)	It could mean that they are scared or feel like they need more control in the relationship. Maybe they feel they are losing themselves, getting too far sucked in too fast, needs to slow things down. They just need time to sort things out in their own head. In this case, they might decide to re-enter the relationship, or not. It’s up in the air. 


3)	It could mean that they want to break up. And saying that they want space is a half-step to actually breaking up. And maybe if they are lucky you will just evaporate and never bug them again. That way they never have to do the hard things and actually say that they are dumping you.


4)	It could be #3 above, plus they have someone else in the side that they are leaving you for.

Those are some I came up with. It’s a lot of “It could be’s”. I’m sure that someone here could come up with more.

The problem is that Janis’ bf did not tell her why. So it left her unsure and guessing. That’s a very uncomfortable positon to be in. Janis still does not know what his reason was for doing it.

He might be a dumba$$, but being a dumba$$ could lose him this relationship.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Men and women use that phrase to mean the same thing. Without him giving her a good, solid explanation of what was going on, it left Janis to guess. If you (generic you) care about someone, you don’t just tell them that you need space and then have no contact with them for some unspecified period of time. You tell them what’s going on and you give a time frame.. because you care about that person and don’t want to lose them. Now of course there is a good chance that he’s just a dumba$$ and has more to learn about relationship. Don’t we all.
> 
> So what does it mean when a person, male or female says “I need space?”
> 
> ...


It could also be "leave me alone while I take care of some stuff". You may not believe it, and I recognize that you, as a woman who works in a male dominated industry, would be far more conversant in what men mean when they say things than I, a mere man, would be, but you need to recognize that sometimes a request for space means nothing more than give me some room to work.

The point that I'm making is this may well be being blown up, this relationship may end, and this guy may have no clue that he stepped in it with Janis. None of us, including Janis, knows, because none of us, including Janis, have had a conversation with him about it. I'm not saying she shouldn't dump him, I'm saying she shouldn't dump him without talking about it first.

ETA: Pretty ****ing condescending post you did there EleGirl. Pissed me right off.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Nucking Futs said:


> It could also be "leave me alone while I take care of some stuff".


That is covered in #1


EleGirl said:


> 1) It could mean that they are overwhelmed with work, for family, or something in their lives and literally have no time for a relationship.





Nucking Futs said:


> You may not believe it, and I recognize that you, as a woman who works in a male dominated industry, would be far more conversant in what men mean when they say things than I, a mere man, would be, but you need to recognize that sometimes a request for space means nothing more than give me some room to work.


Now that’s an unnecessary snarky paragraph….

When I googled “What does he mean when he says he wants space”. I got 55.8 million hits. The things I listed came right out of the first 10 pages of those hits. They make sense because it’s the sort of things that women might mean when they say it

There are two reasons why I posted what I posted.

1)	Her bf did not explain what he what was going on and how long. To tell her that he needed space and not even tell her when he would resurface is rude and mean. She point blank asked him and he got nasty with her. 


2)	There have been more than one post on this thread that made it sound like when women say that … that means that they are in an affair. 



Nucking Futs said:


> you found out what women mean when they say they need space. When men say it we mean "leave me alone for a little while so I can take care of this crap".



Some men use the phase when they want distance to cheat or to end a relationship. This is not a female only thing.


Some women use the phrase sometimes because they are saying "leave me alone while I take care of some stuff". 





Nucking Futs said:


> The point that I'm making is this may well be being blown up, this relationship may end, and this guy may have no clue that he stepped in it with Janis. None of us, including Janis, knows, because none of us, including Janis, have had a conversation with him about it.
> 
> I'm not saying she shouldn't dump him, I'm saying she shouldn't dump him without talking about it first.


Your point is accurate that there might have been a very good reason he needed space. There probably was. That’s not the problem. 

Janis has not had a conversation with him about this because every time she asked for a conversation about what was going on and when she’d see him again, he rudely blew her off. That’s his doing. She tried.

Now Janis might try to have another conversation with him about it. Be he has already refused to talk and shot her down rudely. It’s up to her.



Nucking Futs said:


> ETA: Pretty ****ing condescending post you did there EleGirl. Pissed me right off.


I’m sorry you took it that way. That was not my intention. My intention was to further discuss and clarify the things I listed above.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Yeah, they should talk. Janis also admitted when he has issues, he is closed off. He didn't communicate, and did not return messages, to see how things are going, and give her a simple update. He was lucky that Janis's aunt helped him find a job, and if things would have taken months, there relationship would probably be done. He lucked out that he got help. Things like this tend to get worse with marriage, and it takes more work. They were planning on moving in together, and taking the next step. Well if he was strapped for time looking for a job, and seeing his kids, the amount of time to maintain a relationship is what, about 15 hours a week. Until he works on his communication , and not being an emotional wall issues, their relationship can't move forwards. If they do decide to move in together, he can't simply just ignore her if something else comes up. They have to figure out will he give her the silent treatment whenever he is stressed. So, I think it is more than just cimple communication issues. She has stated that when he is stressed, he is emotionally cut off, and will not discuss anything. What happens if the conflict is with each other? I guess we may find out and so will she. For awhile there, she was in a relationship with no one. She was playing tennis, and there was no one on the other side returning the volley.


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## independentgirl (Nov 14, 2014)

I never have a problem regarding to communication with my man, beside the topic of his 'decease dad' which he will refuse to talk about it.
Other than that, he always very open. It is him that always said "baby, talk to me"
But my man have no kids, nor ex wife nor baby mama, so I guess he is less stress. 

I suggest Ms. OP sit down and talk to your man after Thanksgiving. Don't run away from the pile, it will just build up. 
If he going to be your husband, then he needs to handle it better next time. He can't just completely shut you out for like a week, and then return like nothing has ever happen. 
I don't take this crap from my man, if he still refuse to give me an explaination of 'why' he do what he do, then he will see me walk out of the door.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP, I too think it's very unfair for your bf to act the way he did. No matter what the reason.

It's very confusing and painful for a woman when her man suddenly behaves this way! If he'd said "I have so much on the next couple of weeks, I'm swamped, need some space and will call you in 2 weeks" the OP would probably have been supportive of that.

But to just blow her off, then play the old "I need space" chestnut? C'mon. Very poor. Leave a woman wondering, he's supposed to love her! Lots of men with children date women and don't behave this way. My own husband is one of them.

I don't know what to suggest OP, I think you need to seriously reflect on this and ask yourself if you truly want a man who copes with stress this way. Ugh. I wouldn't.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

The jest is that our communication needs to improve and more work needs to be put into this relationship in order to make it work. It had been one sided.

I AM going to speak with him about this very soon. It simply can't go on the way that it has been.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Happy Holidays everyone. If it weren't for this board being here, I may not have been able to enjoy mine. You guys are awesome


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

frusdil said:


> But to just blow her off, then play the old "I need space" chestnut? C'mon. Very poor. Leave a woman wondering, he's supposed to love her! Lots of men with children date women and don't behave this way. My own husband is one of them.
> 
> I don't know what to suggest OP, I think you need to seriously reflect on this and ask yourself if you truly want a man who copes with stress this way. Ugh. I wouldn't.


Yes I agree. That was my point earlier.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

There are a couple of fears I had that also limited me talking to him. 

My fears were that he would be ok with breaking up, if I presented it and then I would feel like I wasted years.

The other fear would be to see him in a relationship with someone and feeling like the problem was just me.

However, I now see that no matter how many years I've been with him - It could have gone longer and him being in a relationship with someone else wouldn't mean they were happy and perfect. It could mean she is ok with lack of communication and the things I don't want to tolerate. 

With this, I'll be ready to go with the conversation.

There is something else that I've noticed about myself that I don't think is healthy at all. When he has free time, it is like I want every minute and second with me. WTF


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

I get that feeling of having invested so much time into something. Bu that fear can prevent you from seeing other opportunities. I'll say it again being in limbo is far worse and hurtful. I'm glad that you're ready to have the conversation with him.

I don't think it's necessarily unhealthy that you want to spend all your time with someone. I think the trick is giving your time to someone who deserves it and that's where boundaries come into play. Don't give your time to anyone who makes you an option. What are you willing to put up with? Also, in a long term relationship it won't always be like that. In a long term relationship you will have times when you are apart and when you are closer together.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Janis said:


> There are a couple of fears I had that also limited me talking to him.
> 
> My fears were that he would be ok with breaking up, if I presented it and then I would feel like I wasted years.
> 
> ...


How many hours a week to the two of you spend together, do things you enjoy, just the two of you?

If you are having this type of feeling, that you need/want more time with him, most likely it's valid. He is not meeting your needs for things like emotional intimacy. That's very often the cause of this.

I think that the two of you would benefit from reading and working through the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters"


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

tryingpatience said:


> I get that feeling of having invested so much time into something. Bu that fear can prevent you from seeing other opportunities. I'll say it again being in limbo is far worse and hurtful. I'm glad that you're ready to have the conversation with him.
> 
> I don't think it's necessarily unhealthy that you want to spend all your time with someone. I think the trick is giving your time to someone who deserves it and that's where boundaries come into play. Don't give your time to anyone who makes you an option. What are you willing to put up with? Also, in a long term relationship it won't always be like that. In a long term relationship you will have times when you are apart and when you are closer together.


A set amount of time per week or it is not worth it


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> How many hours a week to the two of you spend together, do things you enjoy, just the two of you?
> 
> If you are having this type of feeling, that you need/want more time with him, most likely it's valid. He is not meeting your needs for things like emotional intimacy. That's very often the cause of this.
> 
> I think that the two of you would benefit from reading and working through the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters"


It varies. One week it was 8, the next 2.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Janis said:


> It varies. One week it was 8, the next 2.


Well that explains it. Your needs for time together, non-sexual intimacy, conversation and a lot more are not being met. 

You know what happens to hungry people? All they do is think about and crave the food they don't have.

It takes a minimum of 15 hours a week together, just the two of you doing things that the two you enjoy (focusing on each other) to maintain the passion and love in a relationship.

If you continue as you are doing, this relationship won't work.

Please get the books I suggested above. They explain so much of how to make a relationship not only work but to be a really good ,loving relationship.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

independentgirl said:


> The spending time hours is hard to say, because it could depend on his working schedules and his life. Especially in OP case, her man also have children, so it going to be a bit more limited.
> 
> How far do you live from him OP? How about move in together (you mentioned that in your first post)
> Living together, you can get more of his time as well as attention.
> ...


We live close and moving in together was something we had discussed. Of course, the $$$ needed to be correct first. When I am at work, he's out and vice versa. I think it will boil down to us needing to move in together soon. 

We've been spending time together but I still haven't brought up the communication thing. Ugh


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

independentgirl said:


> OP, did you ask him why he ignore you and then suddenly appeared back in your life?
> 
> Relationship need communication, if there a problem and you run from it, it will builds up. Avoiding will not make the problem goes away.
> My man always said to me, when there a problem in our relationship, we talk it through instead of running away.
> ...


At the time, he didn't I have the funds to split rent and bills with me. I have a roommate and obligations with them. 

I haven't asked him yet. I've been reading communication books to make sure I get it right.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Update: His problem or issue was that he was in an intense argument with another man. The man had humiliated him in public. At the time, i was calling and texting right after the argument. Which lead to him asking for time. I was nearly driven mad due to not knowing. Plans to marry are no longer on the forefront


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

Janis said:


> Update: His problem or issue was that he was in an intense argument with another man. The man had humiliated him in public. At the time, i was calling and texting right after the argument. Which lead to him asking for time.


And he couldn't just tell you this? You had to go through this ridiculous dance of waiting, demanding his time, etc. etc. etc.?



Janis said:


> Plans to marry are no longer on the forefront


Good. They shouldn't be. Sounds like he has major work to do on his communication skills.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

sunvalley said:


> And he couldn't just tell you this? You had to go through this ridiculous dance of waiting, demanding his time, etc. etc. etc.?
> 
> 
> 
> Good. They shouldn't be. Sounds like he has major work to do on his communication skills.


The emotional part of thinking he didnt want me around was the worse. Also, we should be beyond that public display of fighting


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

We knew an older couple some years ago that we just loved.

She described her husband as a "one drawer at a time" type of guy.

(Ha ha she said she was very hard on him when she arrived at menopause, they were near 70 at the time we were talking, we were early 40's).

Ok, I can be a bit "one drawer" sometimes, it can take me some time to process my feelings at certain times.

Not making excuses just sharing in case it helps make anything clear.

(BTW any references to menopause in this post are strictly incidental and related to our conversation with our friends)

Take care!


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

Janis said:


> The emotional part of thinking he didnt want me around was the worse. Also, we should be beyond that public display of fighting


:iagree: to both


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Valentine Update: He has started back drinking and smoking cigs again. It was a milestone to let them go. I feel like such a failure.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Janis said:


> Valentine Update: He has started back drinking and smoking cigs again. It was a milestone to let them go. I feel like such a failure.


Not a keeper. You can do better.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

I've debated coming back here and being honest. It seemed to be nothing worse than being a doormat. I didn't want to come back and admit that so many of you WERE RIGHT. I didn't want to hear the I told you so's. I didn't think anyone here would understand what it is like to see the signs, get the advice and still find a way to have an answer or excuse for everything because your heart will not allow you to see the truth. In the end, I've decided that coming back and providing the conclusion would possibly help someone else. I also want to let you guys know that you are experts and are helpful. In the end, I'll look like a fool if I can end up helping someone else. 

With all of that being said, I have pretty much confirmed that he has been cheating. He has been having unprotected sex, he has multiple women pregnant, he has been drinking daily. Now, I'm single and will be tested to see if I have any STD's. Even though I've been a fool if there is any one of faith here please say a prayer that I am clean. I also gave this man my virginity, years of my life and my heart. 

All he had to say when I caught him was "I"m sorry. It won't happen again." He's right, it won't. Not with me. :lol:


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I'm not judging and thanks for the update.
Hope the tests come clean.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Janis said:


> I've debated coming back here and being honest. It seemed to be nothing worse than being a doormat. I didn't want to come back and admit that so many of you WERE RIGHT. I didn't want to hear the I told you so's. *I didn't think anyone here would understand what it is like to see the signs, get the advice and still find a way to have an answer or excuse for everything because your heart will not allow you to see the truth.* In the end, I've decided that coming back and providing the conclusion would possibly help someone else. I also want to let you guys know that you are experts and are helpful. In the end, I'll look like a fool if I can end up helping someone else.
> 
> With all of that being said, I have pretty much confirmed that he has been cheating. He has been having unprotected sex, he has multiple women pregnant, he has been drinking daily. Now, I'm single and will be tested to see if I have any STD's. Even though I've been a fool if there is any one of faith here please say a prayer that I am clean. I also gave this man my virginity, years of my life and my heart.
> 
> All he had to say when I caught him was "I"m sorry. It won't happen again." He's right, it won't. Not with me. :lol:


You're kidding about that part in bold, right? How do you think we got to be "experts" and so helpful? The same way you just did. By getting burned by someone we wanted to believe.

Don't be a stranger. There will be plenty of opportunity for you to share the wisdom you've gained from this.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm very sorry, Janis. 

It took a lot of strength for you to come back and update. I had wondered how things turned out and I appreciate your decision to let us know. 

Keeping my fingers crossed for your tests.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm sorry for you, Janis. Don't beat yourself up. You're not the only fool here, many of us share in that title. There are many lessons I learned and they unfairly stole much from me that I'll never get back. It's a horrible way for a good person to learn.

I sincerely hope for the best with your test results.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

Janis said:


> I've debated coming back here and being honest. It seemed to be nothing worse than being a doormat. I didn't want to come back and admit that so many of you WERE RIGHT. I didn't want to hear the I told you so's. I didn't think anyone here would understand what it is like to see the signs, get the advice and still find a way to have an answer or excuse for everything because your heart will not allow you to see the truth. In the end, I've decided that coming back and providing the conclusion would possibly help someone else.


You're not a fool - you were in love and did your best. Don't beat yourself up. It takes inner strength and courage to see the truth - and both will serve you well down the road. (And trust me - many of us, myself included, understand what it's like to not want to see things.)



Janis said:


> With all of that being said, I have pretty much confirmed that he has been cheating. He has been having unprotected sex, he has multiple women pregnant, he has been drinking daily. Now, I'm single and will be tested to see if I have any STD's.


Aw, man.  I'm sorry to hear this, and I'm sorry you're going through it. I'm praying all the tests will come back negative. That's awful. Even more so that you gave this man your virginity and years of your life. 



Janis said:


> All he had to say when I caught him was "I"m sorry. It won't happen again." He's right, it won't. Not with me.


Good for you!! And what a turd ... that has to be one of the most callous things I've ever heard. 'I'm sorry. It won't happen again.' ?!?!? Let me guess: He said it with a straight face and no sign of emotion or remorse. You're well-rid of him. 

I'm truly sorry it came to this for you; sometimes the cruelties people are capable of are mind-boggling.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm so sorry this has happened  What an ahole he is.

For what it's worth, all of us here have, at some time or another learned the hard way that when a partner starts saying things like "It's not you, it's me..." or "I need some time to figure myself out..." or "I've got a lot going on, I need some space..." It's the beginning of the end...

We've all been there, done that. Welcome to the club x


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Maybe you can console yourself that you found out now before u marry him and have children with him. 

I sure wish I could say that to myself. But I love my kids dearly now n won't want to change history.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Janis I am so sorry, and how troubling, I will pray for you.

You got used and hurt because you are a fundamentally good person who put your trust in someone who was not worthy. He wronged you.

I don't know exactly what faith you hold, but I hope you realize that your worth, value, identity and future are not determined by how badly you have been betrayed, or by whom, or at what cost.

You have an intrinsic value and are of such worth that a very worthy Shepard would leave His 90 & 9 sheep and come looking for you without any misgivings.

Make good choices, choices that help you heal and restore hope.
I really wish you well, please don't be a stranger here.

Tale care!


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Thanks guys


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

I'll tell you guys exactly what happened. I received a call from his cellphone except it was a woman wanting to know why I was in contact with her fiance. :scratchhead: She told me that they've been dating for 4 months. She kept asking me if I had been having sex with him. I wouldn't answer her or deny it. She told me that there were a lot of women in his phone and that she was tired of it. I told her that I would be willing to speak with him and her together but other than that I wasn't going to be in the middle of drama or mess. She said she understood but wouldn't have the meeting.

After this, I decided to gather evidence before speaking with him about this woman calling me. I went to one of his best friends about it. Even though it was a close friend of his, the person was actually once really close to one of my siblings. I knew that they would tell me who the woman was if I asked based on the past connection.

The friend told me that the woman wasn't his fiance and that she was just trying to mark her grounds. The friend said that the woman doesn't realize that she is just a number on the list of the many women that my boyfriend is sleeping with. It was said that he has always been a womanizer and would never change. It was clear that the friend didn't even realize how serious of a relationship I was in. The friend said that he has babies on the way and it should be clear that he isn't trying to settle with the woman. I've heard this about babies before. I told him that I seriously needed to know if he were screwing around so that I could put my health first. He denied it. One of the babies are supposed to be for his current baby's mother just like someone here stated.

When I received this information, I didn't want to have anything else to do with him. I didn't want to talk to him again. I only asked him to make sure that the woman didn't contact me again. He apologized and said that it wouldn't happen again. Later that night, I asked him if he really didn't have anything other than that to say. He claimed to not know what the woman said to me. Once I told him, he said that she was just a friend that he hung out with - that he forgot his phone at her house blah blah blah she is crazy blah blah blah. 

That night, I slept on it. I figured out a way to share the information that his friend gave me without exposing my source. I also wanted to point out that he always tells me that he is busy, he'll let me know, he overslept, his kids are with him etc but he had perfect time to drive to this "friend's" house. 

I wanted to sit down to break up. All he would do was text. I kept asking when he was available in person because it was a serious topic that shouldn't be done by text. He kept asking me to just text it. He then told me that I was playing games and to not even worry about it. I told him that I wasn't playing games, just wanted it in person. In the end, it was clear that he wasn't interested in talking. If he were, he would have called. I don't plan on contacting him again.

I don't know what happened to my friend that I fell madly in love with or even if that person really existed. He has proven to be a devious lie teller, fighting and disputes in public, he's banned from someone's property, he's having unprotected sex and putting people that care about him at risk. What happens if he gives his child's mother aids? Who will care for their kid(s)? SMH 

Yes, I am disappointed that so many years of my life were a lie. That someone that was once such a big part of my life is just gone now. I do wonder if his mom knew about this because she seemed to love and care for me a great deal. But, in the end. It sickens me that I helped him get a job all the while he was dogging me behind my back. I hate how he grins and hugs on my mom, jokes to my dad while lying to their daughter. I am saddened that I held on to my virginity for as long as I did only to give it to this person that most likely didn't appreciate what I had did. This is his loss. He can't possibly be happy and I can't imagine him being able to support all of those kids. He's drunk and passing out a lot. I deserve better. I also hope that the way I would question him about red flags will at least let him know that he wasn't as slick as he may think he is.

I will focus on the positive. There was money being set aside for our future that I can now spend on MY future or however I want.  I can now spend time with people that WANT me there. Years were wasted but I still have years in me. Plenty of time for kids and experiences!


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

I'm sorry u lost viginity to such an ass

Maybe easier way to recover will be to completely cut off from him. 

What's there to lose when he's such an ass and a loser. 

N just set on your own recovery. N know someone better will come along. N don't jump into the next one. Have a few friends, guy friends, to explore from. To prevent wasting years.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Yes, I really haven't lost anything. The relationship was so empty and I was unhappy with him most of the time.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

He is not worth your time or thought.

This is a life experience that will help you and even someday help others, even your own kids someday.

You sound like a wonderfully faithful and kindly devoted woman who will male a great partner to someone. Let yourself heal for a bit and then move on and live a great life. Take care!


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Decorum said:


> He is not worth your time or thought.
> 
> This is a life experience that will help you and even someday help others, even your own kids someday.
> 
> You sound like a wonderfully faithful and kindly devoted woman who will male a great partner to someone. Let yourself heal for a bit and then move on and live a great life. Take care!


Yes, there's is a forum that is in need of cheating experts. I'm thinking of joining it. Thank you for your well wishes and nice words.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Where's forum for cheating experts 

Got to read too

So I can see a cheat from miles away next time


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

The cheating forum is in the cheating section of allexperts.com. It currently does not have any experts.

Does anyone have any tips on how I can get past beating myself up?

We went from talking everyday on the phone to mostly speaking via sparatic texts. I was lucky to see him twice per week. I invited him to lunches, dinners, movies, bowling, watching me dance, church and he would never get back to me about it. If he did get back to me about it he would "oversleep" or something with the kids came up. But, I noticed that he had no issues meeting up with his friends to sit around and drink, going to liquor houses, and being with other women. It's like he went from being a working man that was planning to start a business with me to turning into a drunk. I'm having a very hard time not feeling like I am a boring person.

As I look back over the last few months. During very small arguments he would ask me why I didn't leave him if I felt that he were such a horrible person or he would rather leave me than argue. It is hard for me not to feel thrown away. 

I remember that he never seemed to get jealous when I would hang out with male friends. If something came up on the same time that I had plans with other friends - he would tell me to go with the friend. It makes me feel unwanted. I just feel like the boring person he was trying to put off.

I also feel like a complete fool for falling for his lies. I do hope that the way I would question him about things and people showed him that he didn't have me fooled completely. I also hope that the way I tricked his friend shows him/them I am pretty smart.

I hope that one day soon I can feel better about all of this.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Just walk away. 
Cut him out completely.
Then the power is in your hands.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Imagine his lungs and liver in 10 years. You can do way better. Are you working out?


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

He may not 10 years. A colleague who drink smoke sleeps ard n goes to prostitutes died at 39!!!!!


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Imagine his lungs and liver in 10 years. You can do way better. Are you working out?


If you're asking if I go to a gym???, No
If you're asking if I am still with him, No


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Do you guys think that I should delete his mother from my Facebook page? She and I were ok and she said that she loved me. It didn't have anything to do with her. You guys know how my judgement is so I am checking to see what you guys think before I delete her. 

I know several people that have been cheated on. All of them received the "baby I am sorry", "It will never happen again", "I was only using her" "take me back" type of calls. None of that happened with me. I WOULD NOT take him back but it does hurt an awful lot that he seems to not care at all that I am gone.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Janis, you need to heal. Cut off all the people that reminds you of him, including his mother on Facebook. I cut off an ex sister-in-law, although I liked her very much. She needed to heal and did not need to have me around to remind her of my wayward brother. (I resemble my brother.) She got remarried and had a child. It was the best decision that I made although I think of her from time to time.

He isn't into you. It is best for you to move on. I know that it is hard for you at this time. Do things for yourself that makes you happy. Fill your time with hobbies, good friends, and peaceful pastimes. I wish you the best.


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## RespectWalk (Mar 16, 2015)

No such thing as a reformed cheater. It's just part of their character. Move on and find your true happiness because it's out there waiting for you this very minute.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Roselyn said:


> Janis, you need to heal. Cut off all the people that reminds you of him, including his mother on Facebook. I cut off an ex sister-in-law, although I liked her very much. She needed to heal and did not need to have me around to remind her of my wayward brother. (I resemble my brother.) She got remarried and had a child. It was the best decision that I made although I think of her from time to time.
> 
> He isn't into you. It is best for you to move on. I know that it is hard for you at this time. Do things for yourself that makes you happy. Fill your time with hobbies, good friends, and peaceful pastimes. I wish you the best.


I realize that and it's just very painful. I focus on the positive sides of him being gone for the most part but there are a few things that nag at me from time to time. 

Like how he wouldn't meet. It could have been explained that we weren't compatible anymore an apology maybe. Stuff like that hurts.

I've been keeping myself as busy as possible. Engaging with people that show interest, hanging out with friends, church and family.

There was a time about a week ago that he invited me out with him but told me what to wear. He wanted me in a skirt, top with no undergarments and high heels. (I didn't wear it) and he wanted me to do pot(which I don't do) and heavy alcohol. I only did wine and he wanted me to drink it faster than I wanted. We just didn't share interests


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

I can not wait to get to therapy tonight. To wrap my mind around how a person could ever get over the realization that the person they were in love with was dealing with everything young, old, looks didn't matter all that much and they wanted the bare minimum to do with them.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Please don't be hurting over a messed up POS. Thank God that you were delivered from that mess. You are more than enough and the fact that he couldn't see it speaks to how little he deserves you. Put on some lipstick, do a little hand flip with your hair and dance around. You are FREE!


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

LongWalk said:


> Imagine his lungs and liver in 10 years. You can do way better. Are you working out?


Janis, I really feel for you and your situation. LongWalk mentions something that really helped me when I went through something similar when my fiancée’s EA when PA and we broke up. Working out helped to take the edge off of the anger and gave me something to focus in addition to my Schooling and work at the time. The exercise releases neurotransmitters that will contribute to feeling better. You will get in shape and feel better about yourself all around.

Another thing I recommend is to take stock of who you are and what you want to be. Consider what you want when dating or out of a spouse. I did this and focusing on myself helped me heal and define who I was. I thought long and hard about why and what kind of spouse I wanted and it helped me greatly when I started dating again after a few years. Knowing what kind of person I wanted and knowing how that was hidden from me before enabled be to be a much better judge in future relationships. The next time I was able to find someone similar to me and worthy of me and we have been married for 25 years. You should be able to do the same after you heal.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

I just received a text from him that says "I need your help"


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Do not answer. No contact equals no new hurts.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

I am glad that he sent the text to me. It put the power back into my court and I know that he is at least thinking of me, guilt maybe. I'm not responding. He can live with how he did me wrong.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Caution: Do not interpret his text as him thinking about you. Interpret it as he needs help and you're handy and oh, yeah, you're gullible.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Caution: Do not interpret his text as him thinking about you. Interpret it as he needs help and you're handy and oh, yeah, you're gullible.


Thank you. It felt better to my self esteem the other way though. LOL I don't plan to answer either way.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Janis said:


> I am glad that he sent the text to me. It put the power back into my court and I know that he is at least thinking of me, guilt maybe. I'm not responding. He can live with how he did me wrong.


Remember, if you choose this path, the only way to complete it is to never waiver.
Each weak moment resets the clock...do not beat yourself up if you do but get it back under control as quickly as possible.

Silence in this particular situation is a build up of your defenses. Each moment you dont answer him is a chance to put more stones in the wall.

When he does come...and he will...just wave from the castle wall and pretend you can't hear him from down there. 

You can do better. 
You WILL do better.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

His efforts to manipulate you have worked in the past. Don't expect him to stop trying now. Be ready for it. And don't waiver.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Openminded said:


> His efforts to manipulate you have worked in the past. Don't expect him to stop trying now. Be ready for it. And don't waiver.


:circle:I feel like a complete fool. I hope that is common for people that are in love though.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think we all feel foolish when we are cheated on. I certainly did. But you continue to move forward because you can't go back. The goal is to be indifferent. It takes awhile but eventually you get there.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

I hope that I am not about to worry you all to death. I'm actually doing a lot better than I may seem and it is really helping me to have people to communicate with about this. I've only really broke down crying twice. Once when I was boxing up gifts that he has given me throughout the years and when I thought about how we were actually good friends before this started and I lost that person too.

Therapy went well. I decided in there that I will ignore all of his calls and texts. Even though I have a few choice words for him. He'll probably just lie again and I have used enough of my time on that. 

On the rare times that he did ask me to hang out with him and his friends.(I may have already said this) He asked me to wear a mini skirt, a halter top and heels. That isn't me and it isn't what I ended up wearing. He wanted a trophy and I wasn't it. He also asked me if I would be willing to smoke pot(I didn't know he did this) and consume alcohol outside of my area(I only drink wine from time to time and I only consume one bottle). He said it was fine that I wasn't willing to smoke but he tried to make me consume more and more of the wine. He even wanted to change how I was socially. I like movies, parks, social dancing, baseball games, things like that. I think it is just going to take time for me to get over the feeling of being replaced. It is that which leaves a feeling in the pit of my stomach. Even though he is a POS, I loved him


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Roselyn said:


> Janis, you need to heal. Cut off all the people that reminds you of him, including his mother on Facebook. I cut off an ex sister-in-law, although I liked her very much. She needed to heal and did not need to have me around to remind her of my wayward brother. (I resemble my brother.) She got remarried and had a child. It was the best decision that I made although I think of her from time to time.
> 
> He isn't into you. It is best for you to move on. I know that it is hard for you at this time. Do things for yourself that makes you happy. Fill your time with hobbies, good friends, and peaceful pastimes. I wish you the best.



Agreed


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

I got a new tattoo yesterday and I did some shopping :smthumbup: The upbeat mood didn't last and things with sour once I started to see happy couples. I cried really really bad last night. I'm hoping that I just needed to get it all out and that last night was the start of a new me. I wish I could just pick up and move on easily but it's almost like every bad thing that can happen to a woman in a relationship all happened to me at once. I'm just so tired of feeling intense pain at the hands of people that I care about and love. I'm going to try my best to stop overthinking the bad sides and focus on the positive. Maybe i am getting out of this nonsense before things get really serious.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There are a lot of ups and downs on the road to recovery. It takes time. Sometimes a lot of time. Redirect your thoughts when he pops into your mind. One day you'll be indifferent but it won't be today or tomorrow. Just know that eventually you will be.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

I'm probably not going to post much anymore after this at least until I become more stable. I've decided that it is really up to me how I feel each day. It is my own thoughts and beliefs that are upsetting me.

I've decided to believe the following write-up because it makes me feel better. I'll never know if it is true or not but it is better to believe it than all of the negative things that I'm feeding into myself each day. 

I think that all he really thinks about is sex. I have to admit that we use to have a lot of phone sex. At the time, I felt as though we needed it because we lived so far apart. Anytime we spent time together, he would always have a solid erection without me doing or saying anything at all. I doubt that this is something that changes around other people. I think he did care about me and love me as a friend but the intense love that I had was one sided. He does not know how to have romantic love, his love is sex. I recall him sharing with me that when he was a young boy his parents had issues with him masturbating a lot. There is something with him. Maybe he saw something as a kid or something happened to him, who knows.

When he gets into a relationship, his attention has to be kept. The woman has to keep his attention by focusing on his #1 love which is sex. Now that I finally had him near me, I didn't want to just have phone sex or actual sex all the time. I wanted to have lunch/dinner together, go to the movies, go bowling, have him come to the center where I dance to watch me. When we did any of the things that I liked, we would talk about... The Walking Dead. I spent too much time diverting away from what he liked to do the most. It really isn't anything wrong with me. He is actually very physically attracted to me and I do think he likes and loves me as a person.

I don't think any woman can feed his hunger. Not one with a job and actual interests and hobbies. It's not about him picking an actual woman over me, it's about him picking people that cater to his interest more. Not many women will actually just sit talking about sex all of the time and will leave a guy that talks about it all of the time. Years ago I remember telling him on the phone that it seemed like all we did was discuss sex. It changed for a few days and then it inched back. He told me how hard it was to not talk about it. When women threat like that, he pulls at their heart strings. I think the women that realized their options the most or had such a high threat of leaving are the ones that received engagements from him or promises for the future. He's not head over hills for either but when a woman gets head over heels for him he tries to accomodate. 

I do think he is insecure some. Between that insecurity and his strong desire for sex - I think he will always have many many women that he is dealing with. It really doesn't matter if he were with me or anyone else. We would all have the same story to tell. He will never be totally into anyone unless they are totally into sex. 

In the end, he really didn't want all of the things I wanted to do with our time. If I wanted to go to the movies, he'd lie about being unable to make it and have sex with someone else. I think he still wanted to get whatever sex he could get out of me and didn't want to hurt his friend. He lied for as long as he could to protect his friend's feelings and maintain the sex. 

Even for a cheating man, I don't think it is normal to have so many pictures of women in their phone. To have so many porn sites saved, sex magazines and books. He has something going on that I don't think he even fully understands. Therefore I will never receive any type of explanation or apology or anything like that.

I do think his text had nothing to do with him needing my help. I think he would like to maintain a friendship with me. If i want to sit and listen to his conquests with women, I'm sure he would welcome it. It could also be the opposite, he may want me to be understanding of how he is and still extend sex.

Who really knows? I do know that I feel better as typing this and I don't want to cry anymore. I feel like it isn't about me. 

Thanks for all of your input. See you around the boards.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

I was tested for STD's on Monday. While I'm awaiting test results for some of them, the HIV test results were ready in under 20 minutes after the test. I tried to prepare myself for any result but there really isn't a word that actually captures how I felt as I waited. Torture isn't a strong enough word. In the end, the HIV test results returned negative.

As I sat in the Dr's office, I reflected on how I was being tested because the man I planned to marry had been so careless and disrespectful of me. I thought back on how he is having children with other women now, he proposed to another woman, he was in actual relationships with other women, he lied compulsively, he cheated rampantly. I thought about how all of these horrible things were inflicted on me by someone that I loved - not an enemy at all. I had never felt a pain that strong. 

He was never going to marry me nor this other woman. Maybe he will marry her now, who knows because he will no longer have to hide her from me. If I met a man matching his description now, I wouldn't give the man the time of day. I'm working to realize that this man doesn't deserve me at all. The ending of this relationship is his loss and I have dodged a bullet. I should be thanking my lucky stars that I caught him and be glad in it.

I've been remaining as active as I can and spending times with friends and making new ones. It really does help A LOT. When I am out and about, I forget the pain. Each day gets easier.

I'm comfortable with the thought that he is a horrible person that doesn't know happiness. I will try my best to not leave any part of myself with him. I will love again and give the next man all of the love, attention and devotion that the next one will actually deserve AND appreciate.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It doesn't matter how many forums you post your story on - the advice will be the same: Stop focusing on him. I know that it is easier said than done when you feel you've been done wrong, but focusing your energies outside of yourself will help you to move on. Good luck with your journey.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Tubbalard said:


> Why are you still focused on this Loser? It's almost reaching pathetic levels now. Please no more posts about this man. Is he the only guy you can get. I dont understand why women always pine for the men that did them dirty. Let's be honest. If he knocked on your door, gave you a kiss on the cheek, you would take him back.
> 
> He's not the problem anymore. What is going on in your life, that you are still writing farewell novels about a drunk loser. What's funny is you desperately wanted him back then when he dumped you, you claimed that he was an alcoholic, a control freak, mental midget masturbator, poor excuse of a womanizer, baby mama creator, and a potential HIV missionary. He was all these things and you still have feelings over him? Surely you can find another man.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, he isn’t the only man that I can get. Men & women show romantic interest in me on a regular basis. He is however the first man that I feel in love with and was in love with for years. I’m not pining for him, I’m pining for peace & closure. You may call that pathetic but my reality is that it is NOT easy at all to accept that years of my life were a lie. People here seemed interested and seemed to have sincere well wishes for me is why I provided updates. I’m trying my best to get over this.
Please quote or screen capture where I stated that he dumped me. If you really were reading what I said, you would know that I only saw him 1-2 times a week. A lot of what he was doing was unknown to me. It isn’t that I’m changing who he is because he was supposed to have dumped me but it is that I walked away when I found out what he was really doing and was.
Your HIV missionary comment was just uncalled for. I’ve had unprotected sex with a person that has had unprotected sex with multiple other people. It’s nothing wrong with me being concerned that I could have had it. I really can’t believe you said that.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> It doesn't matter how many forums you post your story on - the advice will be the same: Stop focusing on him. I know that it is easier said than done when you feel you've been done wrong, but focusing your energies outside of yourself will help you to move on. Good luck with your journey.


I don’t post on multiple forums for different advice. I post on different forums for the same reason that I see multiple therapists about my problems. It is because the availability of feedback varies. I’ll continue to try to not focus on him and try to find my peace. Thanks for your well wishes.


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## Tubbalard (Feb 8, 2015)

Janis said:


> No, he isn’t the only man that I can get. Men & women show romantic interest in me on a regular basis. He is however the first man that I feel in love with and was in love with for years. I’m not pining for him, I’m pining for peace & closure. You may call that pathetic but my reality is that it is NOT easy at all to accept that years of my life were a lie. People here seemed interested and seemed to have sincere well wishes for me is why I provided updates. I’m trying my best to get over this.
> Please quote or screen capture where I stated that he dumped me. If you really were reading what I said, you would know that I only saw him 1-2 times a week. A lot of what he was doing was unknown to me. It isn’t that I’m changing who he is because he was supposed to have dumped me but it is that I walked away when I found out what he was really doing and was.
> Your HIV missionary comment was just uncalled for. I’ve had unprotected sex with a person that has had unprotected sex with multiple other people. It’s nothing wrong with me being concerned that I could have had it. I really can’t believe you said that.



The HIV missionary comment wasnt a knock on you but to him. meaning he is potentially spreading HIV to other people. A missionaries job is to spread their beliefs. These are his actions. my posts were in the spirit of a pep talk, not to denigrate you. Imagine it like a football coach talking to one of his players. I apologize for my hurtful words. Will you please forgive me?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Hahaha your message did get under my skin. They both did. 

I just keep posting because I am very desperate to read some feedback that will help me out of it. "Move on. Let it go" just doesn't help. I have had things play on my mind for years in the past.

It just feels like if I could understand why he did me like this, I could move on


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You'll never know why he's done what he's done. It's doubtful he understands himself. He's a very damaged person with low self esteem. 

When thoughts of him pop into your head, visualize a huge red stop sign and say out loud "STOP!!!" And redirect your thoughts. You may find yourself doing that several times a minute (I did) but eventually thoughts of him will become fewer and fewer. 

It takes time to get over someone and to accept there are no answers. Be patient.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Openminded said:


> *You'll never know why he's done what he's done. It's doubtful he understands himself. He's a very damaged person with low self esteem. *
> 
> When thoughts of him pop into your head, visualize a huge red stop sign and say out loud "STOP!!!" And redirect your thoughts. You may find yourself doing that several times a minute (I did) but eventually thoughts of him will become fewer and fewer.
> 
> It takes time to get over someone and to accept there are no answers. Be patient.


Probably best if you don't understand it. If it made sense to you you might start finding it to be reasonable way to behave and then we'd have one more ass hole in the world to deal with. Don't become an ass hole by learning to think like one. Just say no to ass holery. :smthumbup:


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> Openminded said:
> 
> 
> > *You'll never know why he's done what he's done. It's doubtful he understands himself. He's a very damaged person with low self esteem. *
> ...


Yup never understood my ex n lies N why he did what he did to destroy the family. 

Finally I realised I can never understand how a mad person thinks bcoz I'm not mad. It's blissful to stop trying to understand N answer the questions in the head. Peace.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

Janis said:


> I just keep posting because I am very desperate to read some feedback that will help me out of it. "Move on. Let it go" just doesn't help. I have had things play on my mind for years in the past.
> 
> It just feels like if I could understand why he did me like this, I could move on


Janis, you're grieving the end of a relationship (although some wouldn't call it that). You spent years with this man, gave your virginity to him, and he turns out to be a piece of s**t. I don't blame you for hurting badly - been there done that myself. What you're feeling is normal. Don't beat yourself up; you did the best you could for a "man" who didn't appreciate it.

As for wanting to know why? This is normal, too - and shows the good person you are. People who connect with others and treat them well can't understand why someone can't see how badly they hurt them. The problem is, you will never get an answer from him. I doubt he could even explain this to _himself._

That said, it will take *time and focus* to become indifferent to him and what he did. There is no other way or method. Stay active, keep focusing on your activities like dancing and going out. Direct your thoughts elsewhere when thoughts of him pop into your head (or when he attempts to contact you, as he did with that text asking for help). Don't focus on one-upping him, or demanding to know why. 

And remember: When he's trying to get over a hangover on someone's couch in some stinky little room somewhere, unable to go out or buy alcohol because he had to pay his entire paycheck in child support (all those baby mamas), you'll be out having fun, taking care of yourself, and meeting people who like and respect you for you. The best revenge is living well and at peace.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Thank you for taking the time out of your day to type that. i really appreciate. I just feels like no one understands my pain and that i am on everyone nerves on and offline. I want to get over this but i dont know how. I go out and can never stay the entire time. But i keep at it. I try to come up with a reason why he did this to me and i only feel good a couple of hours. I am so tired of it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You may as well ask "Why Does a Dog Chase Its Tail".

Why Does a Dog Chase Its Tail?

There are several reasons that dogs chase their tails, including:

Being confined in small quarters where movement is restricted
Boredom, especially in older dogs
The presence of fleas or irritated anal glands
Canine compulsive disorder, which although rare, can be treated with anti-obsessive medications such as Prozac.
Hereditary tendency, with the behavior being passed down from generations, especially in some breeds including German shepherds, Australian cattle dogs and bull terriers
High cholesterol, which as suggested by veterinarian Marty Becker, could mean that the dog’s cholesterol levels have blocked the flow of brain hormones, which control mood and behavior. (More exercise could be the solution in this case.)
Not knowing why the tail is there to begin with! This part of a puppy’s body is fascinating to him, especially if he has no other playmates. 

Just substitute your former fiance's name and you have your answer. No one has said this will be easy for you. Just recognize that you will most likely never have an answer that will satisfy you or even make sense to you. The most he could come up with would probably be "because I wanted to and I could".

It had nothing to do with you. You were more than enough for him.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

He is too dysfunctional to be in a relationship with. Those with abuse, neglect, and other issues as children have a tendency to be higher on the promiscuous scale. These things are out of your control, and if he is not seeing a therapist, then he is less likely to understand it himself. What you said about his past, about his parents, sounds like they had a major role in his dysfunction of healthy sexuality.

You love him, and have a need to understand and help him. Unfortunately, the attachment is still strong, and time and refocusing your life are some of the ways to detach. He was a part of your identity, and it takes time to forge a new identity without him. I think some of us posted we saw hints that he might not be faithful from how he was behaving. I haven't been on this thread in a long time, but he did not seem that bonded to you.

You could meet new people, since we only have a capacity to form a few limited intimate relationships before other attachments start fading. Working out, sleeping well, eating right, can help form new neurons. Taking positive steps, whether you feel like it or not, could affect your outlook. Make goals, and keep making goals. You should strive to keep going beyond a lifetime. The goal is not to complete them all, but living and experiencing life.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

I am waiting on a tow truck. **** my life lol


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Janis said:


> I am waiting on a tow truck. **** my life lol


Where I come from we'd say you were snake bit. Just don't ask the obvious question, that would be tempting fate.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Janis

You have to stop wasting time n move on. At your state, you won't attract anyone at all even if you are stop dead gorgeous.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

What the hell? I am trying to heal. As i said before, it is not easy to move forward.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

You really think i can just stop and skip into the dandelions? You really think i want to attract anyone else? I may never trust again. What i feel is probably comparable to a woman losing her spouse to death and it has been only 2 weeks. He and i were friends first. Even though we didnt,start dating until later, this would hsbe been our 8th year as friends. 

I go out alone, i go out with new people and i vent trying to repair my self esteem. I am actually very active


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Your post started Nov 21. 

U can't take it positively. I m out of here.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Yes, i did and i honestly didnt know that he had 1,000 people until 2 weeks ago. I severed ties with him. I have taken up new hobbies, i continue the old, i engage with friends old and new, i vent. I am not sure what telling me to just move on is supposed to do. I am working at it


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Janis said:


> I realize that and it's just very painful. I focus on the positive sides of him being gone for the most part but there are a few things that nag at me from time to time.
> 
> Like how he wouldn't meet. It could have been explained that we weren't compatible anymore an apology maybe. Stuff like that hurts.
> 
> ...


Janis, I think that you are looking at this all wrong. You said that you felt like you are boring and that is part of why he's gone. I do not think that's it at all.

The reason that he's not in your life is that you refused to play his games. While he did get away with some stuff with you, you stood your ground. That whole thing about going out with him and him telling you how to dress. You did not play his little game. You felt that there was something not right going on so you were true to yourself.

He stopped coming around because he wants lie, cheat, and do other things that you will not engage in. 

Just think, if you were still with him, he'd still be doing all this, lying to you, etc. You got rid of an abusive, lying, cheating drunk. You need to celebrate girl.

I know it hurts. But you can now move on. what you have learned in this relationship should help you avoid this kind of man in the future.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Janis said:


> Yes, i did and i honestly didnt know that he had 1,000 people until 2 weeks ago. I severed ties with him. I have taken up new hobbies, i continue the old, i engage with friends old and new, i vent. I am not sure what telling me to just move on is supposed to do. I am working at it


Janis, you are only 2 weeks out from the end of the relationship. And it was a brutal end. It will most likely take you a few months before you can really but this behind you.

I'm not sure why some are acting like you are supposed to just flip a switch and everything is ok. The loss of a relationship has to be mourned just like a death.

You say you want to know why he did this to you. He did what he did because that's who he is. He does not know how to be any different. He's a very messed up guy. He treats every woman like he treated you. He stayed with you for so long because you are a good, loving and trusting woman. Thus you were easy to manipulate... that what narcissistic people look for.. people who serve their purpose. They also tend to be very charming. That's how the suck people into their little games.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Thank you. I wish it were as easy as people suggest. I have never been hit this hard or stunned by anything in life and i have been through a lot. I wish it could be understood that i discover and realize things about him still. It is like salt is being poured into an open wound and i am supposed to be so pathetic and wasting time because i am bent over in pain and trying to get over this.

I remember him telling me that people have always loved to gossip about him. He warned me that the lies about him would get bad and that i needed to be strong and let the lies roll off. He never ever planned on being true. He never planned on getting married. We planned to have a kid in 1 to 2 years but i now know the only way that would happen is if it were unplanned. Now i am at an age where it may be hard to have them, i still have to find a partner. 

This is a major blow and change. Maybe wouldnt bother getting out of bed, some would blow their brains out. I am moving forward with help. I already stated that the just move on, just let it out stuff doesnt help. Why people type it and actually believe it works is beyond my level of understanding. I appreciate anyone that tries to help me but some remarks just aren't good right now.

This is going to take time and processing for me


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Janis said:


> It just feels like if I could understand why he did me like this, I could move on


I get this. After 4 years, I'm _still_ trying to understand why my ex BF was the way he was; why he treated me so badly. 

I still agonize over this. 

However, you do realize that you won't ever get these answers from him, right? If for some magical reason he does provide you answers, they won't be the truth. They'll be lies. No matter how you slice it, it's an exercise in futility.

I know it's hard, but shut these thoughts down. My counselor told me to imagine putting them in a big black plastic trash bag. Picture throwing that bag down an incinerator chute. Watch the bag burn to smithereens. In my really desperate times, I use this tactic. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But I'm grateful for the times that it does work.

In the sage words of Chump Lady, sometimes you just have to trust that he sucks. Sometimes that just has to be enough.

I hope you find peace.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Thanks.

His brother beats women. I was abused too, just in another form. I guess


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Janis said:


> Thank you. I wish it were as easy as people suggest. I have never been hit this hard or stunned by anything in life and i have been through a lot. I wish it could be understood that i discover and realize things about him still. It is like salt is being poured into an open wound and i am supposed to be so pathetic and wasting time because i am bent over in pain and trying to get over this.
> 
> I remember him telling me that people have always loved to gossip about him. He warned me that the lies about him would get bad and that i needed to be strong and let the lies roll off. He never ever planned on being true. He never planned on getting married. We planned to have a kid in 1 to 2 years but i now know the only way that would happen is if it were unplanned. Now i am at an age where it may be hard to have them, i still have to find a partner.
> 
> ...


QFT. There is no shortcut, the only way to get through it is to go through it, and it takes as long as it takes.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Trust. I am doing good. The average person doesnt know i am going through it. It is an internal suffering. I just cant wait until this has passed lol


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

I am going to start reading books. I am starting with Hunger Games. Any other good ones? Someone said game of thrones


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## frootloop (Dec 20, 2010)

Janis said:


> I am going to start reading books. I am starting with Hunger Games. Any other good ones? Someone said game of thrones


Game of Thrones is awesome. Complex, with lots of characters though. The books are more complete than the HBO series, which is also great.

If fantasy is your thing:
Furies of Calderon (Codex Alera)

is also very good.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

I'm going to read all types as long as they are good . Fantasy is good & dandy. I'll add Furies to my list. Thank ya


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

I have been entertaining new men. I have been attracting an odd type though. One is my dad age, one is a womanizer and a couple others are potheads. Goodness lol. How are you guys?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Didn't Mr. fisty teach you to catch a man of your liking, it is dependent on where you place the traps. Got to use a taser for the good ones so it paralyzes their muscles. You have to make it impossible for the good ones to escape. To catch a fly, use a bug zapper instead of honey. :lol:


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Hi Janis, 
Sorry but this is the first time I have read your thread.
It saddens me to realise I have hung around here long enough to sniff out a cheater from your thread name and the first 4 lines on your first post. I knew immediately.
People who cheat generally leave behind them a set of similar symptoms and frankly it isn't that hard to smell a rat if you read a lot here.
Sorry for your troubles.
Glad to hear you are trying to move on.
Whatever you do don't ever think you did anything wrong.
You sound like a good person and should have no problem meeting a good guy.
Good luck.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Janis, I just read you mentioned you are attracting losers and old guys.
Can I make a suggestion?
Losers tend to seek out people who appear to be desperate, attentive and easily swayed.
I don't normally recommend this but some of us really need an ego boost sometimes.
Spend some time on yourself.
Go to the gym, get a makeover, go to the spa, buy some new clothes. Love yourself. Compliment yourself.
It puts us back on a level playing field.
It means that people who are good hearted inside to exude strength and confidence while we are dating.
Basically it's about not stinking of desperation.
I was out last night and I could see the girls doing a good job. They always went out in a group. They are always very well dressed. They made sure they engaged in good conversation with their friends and didn't try to engage eye contact. 
Men paid attention to those girls. Perhaps it's because we can get a perve in without being caught??? lol.......
Good luck.

ps.. If all that fails, go on a few dates knowing you are going to drop them at the end of the night..... lol. That will work, but it's not as nice.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Deep down, I want a relationship very bad. I know you are right. They can probably smell that desire. I have cut my hair, I hit the gym religiously and i have a ton of super hot dresses. I have new makeup too and I really aiming to be beautiful. To day I had a run in with a man wanting me to sneak around and have an affair with him. I sent him on his way. Even though i may smell desperate, i have been turning these men away


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

poida said:


> Hi Janis,
> Sorry but this is the first time I have read your thread.
> It saddens me to realise I have hung around here long enough to sniff out a cheater from your thread name and the first 4 lines on your first post. I knew immediately.
> People who cheat generally leave behind them a set of similar symptoms and frankly it isn't that hard to smell a rat if you read a lot here.
> ...


Thank you for your compassion! It saddens ME that this has happened so often to people that you're able to sniff out cheaters so easily. No one needs to be getting lied to. Nobody.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

I have attracted a woman. Not as a partner but as a good friend. She and i both are both leaving bad relationships and are back on the market together. I enjoy having a buddy. It also does wonders to see that people DO enjoy my company.


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