# My spouse has two personalities. My depression can’t handle it



## Reelishala (2 mo ago)

I have been with my spouse for almost ten years and we have four children. I am a military spouse and I work from home so am very isolated. I struggle with depression and anxiety. My husband has been diagnosed with PTSD but he definitely has many undiagnosed (or perhaps unshared diagnosis) disorders. He goes through these periods of time for several months where he acts relatively normal, tries to friendly with me and the kids and compliment me. Then one thing will set him off and it will be this constant stream of the worst insults you can imagine. It will go from how ugly, stupid and fat I am, to how I should just slit my wrists open and die cause I’m unlovable with no value. He’s called me a leech and a parasite. He says I’m lazy cause I work from home and don’t have to stand( I’m a mortgage underwriter and I work from home cause childcare is expensive.) He says I must be on the spectrum cause I have no friends and I was raised differently than other people (I was one of ten kids, homeschooled all my life) When he gets drunk it gets worse. He has been physically abusive. He has told me my Pakistani father is different the people he has had to kill on deployment and that makes me no different. He calls me a ***** . He does this in front of my children, his family, my family etc. no filter. One of his biggest triggers is my oldest son who is from a prior relationship. His fights with him when he doesn’t like how he talks to him have always been too intense. He treats him like a peer and not like a child. And if he ever talks back it’s my fault. If it gets too physical and I try to step in the middle he’s mad at me too. Then he will after terrorizing us with insults give us the silent treatment for months. Another one of his triggers is me visiting my family or his family (his sisters were my friends before we met). He intentionally starts horrible fights and says that this is proof that I don’t care about our marriage. I started blocking his phone during these times cause the insults and the death threats made it impossible to get through work or taking care of the kids. He still sends emails. He has kicked me out of my home several times. Cops were called when we lived in apartments and he has threaten to kill me and himself with the gun he owns. I usually go into a bad depression after this. But I start to take care of myself towards after a while of him not speaking to me. I try to fix the things he made me feel bad about myself. Not for him. But for myself so I don’t feel ugly or stupid. But then after like a month or two he will start speaking again. He will act like none of it happened. Be all over me trying to be loving with compliments acting like a family man. This actually makes it feel worse cause it feels like he interrupts me working on me. Because it turns into me being the bad guy if I don’t respond to his romantic gestures, I’m the bad guy that doesn’t care about working on our marriage. All I care about are my hobbies or interests and don’t pay him attention. Then I have to make myself tolerate it because if not I’ll be attacked again. He says I hold onto old problems too much and that is why we can never get anywhere. But aren’t some things said too far to take back? How do I accept his fake attraction to me after he insults everything about my appearance, personality, intelligence, value etc. I can’t talk to him about anything or else it will be used as an insult to me later. I know if I try to leave he will make my life hell. I keep hoping he will leave me. Am I wrong for not being able to let my guard down when he is “trying?” He won’t get any help for whatever is wrong with him. He won’t stop drinking.
Last year I lost about 30 pounds and was making positive changes. Then a his family vacation happened where he told me in front of everyone on the beach I looked like a linebacker in my bathing suit. He spent the next two weeks degrading and insulting me in front of his whole family. Completely drunk the entire time. Now I’ve gained the weight back and further self loathing and he’s back to “kindness”
The holidays are coming up and I don’t know if my mental health can go through another family get together. We are supposed to move again. It will be near my sisters but I’m ashamed that they will see how I’m being treated. They know somewhat but I try to keep it separate from them. Every relationship I’ve been in has been abusive. I will feel so worthless if I have to ask anyone for help if I try to leave. I honestly just want to be alone and at peace.

I don’t know how to get him to get help when we aren’t fighting. He won’t do couples counseling. I honestly don’t think it would work because he likes to pretend nothing bad happened and gets mad if anything is brought up. I have given up on forgiving him because then it hurts more every time. I honestly don’t know what to do next.


----------



## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Be steong and leave him!


Reelishala said:


> I will feel so worthless if I have to ask anyone for help if I try to leave. I honestly just want to be alone and at peace.


Why? Are people in need worthless?
Or are you scared to tell others what he does to you? Are you scared of being seen as victim and weak?
Are you scared they'll see in you what he sees?
Are people who judge for what you went through good people and worth crying about?

Ask yourself and wright the answer down for yourself.

Do you fear that the other people are like your husband and that maybe you are crazy and not your partner?
Ask yourself, if all that makes sense.



Reelishala said:


> I don’t know how to get him to get help when we aren’t fighting.


That is not your problem. Your problem is that you want to stay with him and you want him to change so you don't have to change and leave him.



Reelishala said:


> I have given up on forgiving him because then it hurts more every time. I honestly don’t know what to do next.


But why do you want to be with him? Don't make sense . You seem so confident, but then you start clinging on him the minute you realise that you actually have to leave him.
That is your problem. You don't want to be alone.

Leave him and get a new one.
Bzt first work on yourself.
You said all your relationships were abusive?
Yes, they were and this is normal. Why?
Because your relationship reflects something that lies within yourself.

You are hurting yourself clinging on someone who hurts you. Once you stop hurting yourself, you'll start tolerating only men who treat you with love and respect.

You yourself need to get into councelling and your goal is to become more healthy and confident, able to be alone for a while and to stop caring what other people think about you.
You didn't hurt him, he hurts you. He should be ashamed and not you!

No one is going to give you a receip for a magic potion that will transform him ibto your prince charming. He isn't it and he'll never will.

once you'll be more healthy you will be disgusted by him for all he did to you and you want even want him to touch you anymore. Wouldn't it be nice?
Of you say no, you simply love pain and being treated like s****. As long as it is like this, no one can help or support you.

I hope this helps you to see that the key to your happines lies within yourself and not in him.

Good luck!


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Reelishala said:


> I have been with my spouse for almost ten years and we have four children. I am a military spouse and I work from home so am very isolated. I struggle with depression and anxiety. My husband has been diagnosed with PTSD but he definitely has many undiagnosed (or perhaps unshared diagnosis) disorders. He goes through these periods of time for several months where he acts relatively normal, tries to friendly with me and the kids and compliment me. Then one thing will set him off and it will be this constant stream of the worst insults you can imagine. It will go from how ugly, stupid and fat I am, to how I should just slit my wrists open and die cause I’m unlovable with no value. He’s called me a leech and a parasite. He says I’m lazy cause I work from home and don’t have to stand( I’m a mortgage underwriter and I work from home cause childcare is expensive.) He says I must be on the spectrum cause I have no friends and I was raised differently than other people (I was one of ten kids, homeschooled all my life) When he gets drunk it gets worse. He has been physically abusive. He has told me my Pakistani father is different the people he has had to kill on deployment and that makes me no different. He calls me a *** . He does this in front of my children, his family, my family etc. no filter. One of his biggest triggers is my oldest son who is from a prior relationship. His fights with him when he doesn’t like how he talks to him have always been too intense. He treats him like a peer and not like a child. And if he ever talks back it’s my fault. If it gets too physical and I try to step in the middle he’s mad at me too. Then he will after terrorizing us with insults give us the silent treatment for months. Another one of his triggers is me visiting my family or his family (his sisters were my friends before we met). He intentionally starts horrible fights and says that this is proof that I don’t care about our marriage. I started blocking his phone during these times cause the insults and the death threats made it impossible to get through work or taking care of the kids. He still sends emails. He has kicked me out of my home several times. Cops were called when we lived in apartments and he has threaten to kill me and himself with the gun he owns. I usually go into a bad depression after this. But I start to take care of myself towards after a while of him not speaking to me. I try to fix the things he made me feel bad about myself. Not for him. But for myself so I don’t feel ugly or stupid. But then after like a month or two he will start speaking again. He will act like none of it happened. Be all over me trying to be loving with compliments acting like a family man. This actually makes it feel worse cause it feels like he interrupts me working on me. Because it turns into me being the bad guy if I don’t respond to his romantic gestures, I’m the bad guy that doesn’t care about working on our marriage. All I care about are my hobbies or interests and don’t pay him attention. Then I have to make myself tolerate it because if not I’ll be attacked again. He says I hold onto old problems too much and that is why we can never get anywhere. But aren’t some things said too far to take back? How do I accept his fake attraction to me after he insults everything about my appearance, personality, intelligence, value etc. I can’t talk to him about anything or else it will be used as an insult to me later. I know if I try to leave he will make my life hell. I keep hoping he will leave me. Am I wrong for not being able to let my guard down when he is “trying?” He won’t get any help for whatever is wrong with him. He won’t stop drinking.
> Last year I lost about 30 pounds and was making positive changes. Then a his family vacation happened where he told me in front of everyone on the beach I looked like a linebacker in my bathing suit. He spent the next two weeks degrading and insulting me in front of his whole family. Completely drunk the entire time. Now I’ve gained the weight back and further self loathing and he’s back to “kindness”
> The holidays are coming up and I don’t know if my mental health can go through another family get together. We are supposed to move again. It will be near my sisters but I’m ashamed that they will see how I’m being treated. They know somewhat but I try to keep it separate from them. Every relationship I’ve been in has been abusive. I will feel so worthless if I have to ask anyone for help if I try to leave. I honestly just want to be alone and at peace.
> 
> I don’t know how to get him to get help when we aren’t fighting. He won’t do couples counseling. I honestly don’t think it would work because he likes to pretend nothing bad happened and gets mad if anything is brought up. I have given up on forgiving him because then it hurts more every time. I honestly don’t know what to do next.


Once somebody gets physically abusive with you, you just need to leave because nobody is going to fix him. He sounds awfully abusive and there's no excuse for that. He's doing it right in front of the kids and that's just horrible for them because that's who they learn who to be from. The girls are learning to put up with that and that that's normal and the boys are learning that that's how to be, abusive to your wife.

You need to be a role model for your kids and leave this marriage and show them that this is not acceptable or normal. Get yourself an attorney.


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

If he is still military, then you need to get a hold of your ombudsman or equivalent and get yourself into protective care. His command needs to be made aware of how he is. Unless you are part of a military that doesn't take care of its families.

If he is no longer military, you need to get to a woman's shelter and under therapy as well as legal protections. You need to RUN! You get away from him, and you seek aid with shelters. You file for divorce from somewhere different than where he comes from. You also need to get restraining orders. If you can set up cameras hidden in places that can capture this activity of his, then do so just to provide back up to your story. Petition the state to provide a separate attorney for the kids, so it can't be said that you are influencing them to tell lies about their father (I've seen where it has happened in a few cases). 

I want you to read this carefully:

THERE. IS. NOTHING. TO. SAVE. HERE! Zilch, Nada. Swallow whatever pride and shame that you are holding onto, and get your children and yourself to safety. It doesn't matter what he says you are doing. He's gaslighting you so much it's surprising his explosions are not taking out the whole county! His words are all lies at this point, or at least false. He might believe them, but they are still false. He cannot offer you support or stability. RUN!

And then once you get settle with the kids somewhere, go make friends. Long before you seek out a romantic interest, have friends. A support system so that you are never alone like this again. And then get the therapy to make sure you don't pick this type of man again.


----------

