# Small issues causing big problems



## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

I need the TAMers analysis of my experience yesterday. What did I do wrong, how can I understand my partner's perspective and how can I get him to understand mine?

He picks me up after work every day. It's worked out well because he leaves at 4:30, I'm done at 5pm, his office is about 20mins away so he usually gets to me between 5 and 5:30 (due to traffic). He always calls before 5pm to let me know what time he'll get there or if he's running late. He likes me to be downstairs ready at the gate by the time he arrives so we don't waste time with him waiting around. Traffic gets really bad.

Yesterday. He messages me after 1pm and asks what I'm doing. I respond immediately. My message doesn't go through which suggests his phone is off or he's out of wifi range. I'm thinking maybe he wants to meet up for lunch or he needs something so I call him and his phone is indeed off. Brush it off, call him an hour later, phone still off. A bit before 5pm, phone still off. 5:15, phone still off. I'm getting really worried now wondering if something's wrong. What if he was texting me while driving and ended up in an accident. 5:30, phone still off. 

The only time something similar happened, he had a meeting out of town. I waited until 7 and heard nothing from him. I called his mom, sister and no one had heard from him. His mom told me what bus I needed to get to come home and checked on me along the way. We were all very worried. Turns out his phone died, he didn't know my number by heart so he couldn't tell me he was running really late. He apologised, I was just happy everything was ok and wasn't upset at all. I did tell scold him for not knowing my number, he really should for safety reasons. 

I leave the office because I'm convinced something must be wrong. I'm going to have to get the bus home and I don't want to have to end up getting the bus when it's dark out. I don't feel comfortable taking public transport because I'm not 100% familiar with the roads, I still have difficulty understanding the local dialect and there have been murders and kidnappings associated with public transportation so I don't feel 100% safe on the bus. My fears are certainly not irrational because as I'm leaving a co-worker asks where I'm going and expresses concern that I'm going to take the bus, she asks if I'm sure of which bus to get, reminds me to put my phone away, zip up my bag and keep it close to me while on the bus. I agree to message her once home to let her know I'm safe.

While waiting for the bus I call the office just to confirm that he's not there. The security guard tells me he's gone and I hang up but realize I should've asked what time he left. I call back but the phone rings out. Once I get off the bus I see a missed call around 6:15. I call back once I get home but he doesn't pick up. He calls me a bit later, says he's at the barber and he'll talk to me when he gets home. When he does get home I'm in the kitchen cooking. He doesn't come to say hello. After finishing up I go to the room 15mins later and he ignores me as I walk through the door. I'm confused and starting to get upset but I say ok maybe something really effed up happened and he's really stressed about it. So I just say hello nicely. He said hi back but gives me this attitude like he's upset with me. I ignore it, just waiting patiently to find out what happened?! 

5mins later he's still not saying anything and starts to leave the room. I'm so dumbfounded by his behaviour now so I ask him "So if I don't ask, you're not going to tell me what happened?" He says he was going to tell when he got back because he's coming right back. I ask him if he doesn't think I'm anxious to know what's wrong. He says his phone was off, he had a meeting that went late, when he got to my office he found out I had left so he went to the barber and called me once he got there and got to a charger. I ask why didn't he call me before he left knowing that I'm waiting and I don't know what's going on. He says his office is 15mins away he figure he'll just get in his car and get there asap besides his phone is off and he's not friends with anyone there so he couldn't ask them to use their phone to call me. I ask him why he didn't leave a text or a voicemail knowing that I would be worried about him. He goes on questioning why I would be worried, he's not in any trouble with anyone, he's not in a gang etc. He's trying to minimize the situation and pick on my concerns for his safety instead of addressing the real problem. I refuse to answer when he's asking me all this crap about why would I be worried so he walks out.

I realize he's left the house without saying anything and it pisses me off even more. Why is he being such a ****? When he comes back I bring it up again and he' still adamant that I'm wrong. Asking why if I was so worried didn't I call his office sooner, it was malicious of me to leave the office, I had no reason to be concerned, he doesn't understand why the situation went from 0 to 100 so quick, he's not the kind of person to be stuck to his phone so I need to understand that and not freak out because its off for a while blah blah. I tell him I'm concerned because it's not like him to not call, I would assume if he's in the office he'd call, I'm concerned because things don't only happen to people who deliberately put themselves in dangerous situations, it's not me asking him to report his location every few hours, even if he didn't think I would be worried he should've been considerate enough to call me before he left considering I've been waiting, and if everything was ok why didn't he come to say hello and why he had an attitude when I said hello. 

Later he comes and tells me ok he understands that h's attitude was wrong when I came into the room, the truth is that he was pissed that I left the office and moving forward, just give him until 6 o'clock before I decide to leave the office. He asks me to forgive him and asks for a kiss. I don't indulge him because although I appreciate his approach, I don't think his solution is fair. Why can't he offer instead to make every effort to call me and keep his phone on instead of this crap excuse about not being able to use someone's phone and not wanting to be stuck to his phone? Why couldn't he use one of my coworkers phone to call me, wasn't he concerned about me at all? He says no he didn't see a reason to be concerned, he was too pissed when he got to my office.

I decide maybe I just need to start taking the bus. I don't want this to happen again and as opposed to putting the responsibility on him to stay in touch with me, I'll stop depending on him and just find my way home. I need to start being more independent and learn my way around this place. I tell him I'll just take bus starting today and now he's upset. Asking why we bothered to have the conversation last night if I'm going to be spiteful and take the bus when this only happened once. I say I don't want to argue about it because I needed to get to work.

Yes part of it is I'm hurt but I also feel that way I'm taking control and avoiding any confusions in the future. It's hard for me to accept his apology because I don't think its genuine as he doesn't seem to understand my perspective. Likewise, I don't understand his. 

How could I have responded better and should I continue to rely on him? What do I ask to understand his perspective?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Well, it wasn't just once, was it? His only perspective is that you're making a big deal out of nothing. Of course, it wasn't him stuck in limbo wondering if he had a ride home or not. He wasn't concerned about your physical safety, either. Which is rather telling isn't it? 

Look, either he is dependable or he isn't. If he can't make it on time, then he needs to notify you in a timely manner. Telling you to just wait until whenever he decides to show up is inconsiderate. Arrange a safe alternative transportation. Perhaps, you can pay a coworker to transport you.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I too would be frustrated and as there is truly no reason another phone could not have been used he knows there is no validity in any reason he could give... sometimes we entrench ourselves into pride and minimizing another's concern is our way of trying to save face instead of being humble. Or it could be that it was not that big a deal to him. Either way frustrations come because we have expectations that are not being met and our desires for answers or results override our calm.

When I feel myself becoming frustrated like this I spend a quiet moment in patterned breathing then call my frustration out and introduce myself to it. It may sound silly, but it gives the clarity to identify exactly what exactly I am talking to (identify the root of the frustration) and allows me to see if I have a valid complaint or if I am taking myself way too seriously. Often it is a mixture of both, one leveraged more of course, but if I can remove my perceived hurt from it my answers come more clearly and I can then apply them the way I need to.

"When you don't make the effort to keep me informed on something I rely on you with, I feel you you don't offer me the courtesy or respect my situation enough to provide your best effort".

Is this accurate of your feelings?

As for the transportation... free yourself from dependency with a plan when best effort fails. Instead of the bus is a Taxi available, reasonable to use, and affordable? If so, let him know that your plan is that when times happen and he cannot find a way to call you within a reasonable amount of time (you have every right to set this) then you will take a safe means home (not bus) and that is the simple effect of the cause (no communication) and you are happy to do so. It isn't done out of spite, it's done out of strength... your strength and self-reliance, and he should admire that in you although if he see's his role as protector, he'll see that as "threatening" to a degree and perhaps that is another reason he is where he is, he knows he failed you in this one instance... again, back to pride.

It doesn't hurt to acknowledge his apology up front, I am sure he means it the best he can at the time. Give him a little time to reflect on your decision and resolve his pride if it is indeed in the way and perhaps a better one will come that feels more sincere, but if it doesn't, free yourself from the suffering knowing that a moment of imperfection shows you a place to grow and improve your communication. Some expectations are worth stubbing your toe on of they become forgotten and jagged, courtesy and respect are definitely those in my eyes and if I can see them rising to the surface in my path to pick up and polish the roughness off them it hurts less the next time they happen to surface from being ignored.

Remember... just breathe.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

End of the day he should have done everything to contact you. Further, he simply went off to get his hair cut when I guess you were ok on the bus. Nonsense. W first....haircut...well does not make the list IMO. Your H needs to get is priorities straight. And....put your number on a piece of paper in his wallet.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Well, it wasn't just once, was it? His only perspective is that you're making a big deal out of nothing. Of course, it wasn't him stuck in limbo wondering if he had a ride home or not. He wasn't concerned about your physical safety, either. Which is rather telling isn't it?
> 
> Look, either he is dependable or he isn't. If he can't make it on time, then he needs to notify you in a timely manner. Telling you to just wait until whenever he decides to show up is inconsiderate. Arrange a safe alternative transportation. Perhaps, you can pay a coworker to transport you.


Thanks for your response Blondi. It was his minimizing the issue and belittling my concerns that upset me the most. I'm not overly concerned to the point where I'm being controlling and tracking his whereabouts. I just want open communication and follow-up, it doesn't feel like I'm asking for much.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> End of the day he should have done everything to contact you. Further, he simply went off to get his hair cut when I guess you were ok on the bus. Nonsense. W first....haircut...well does not make the list IMO. Your H needs to get is priorities straight. And....put your number on a piece of paper in his wallet.



Thank you for responding @Yeswecan. I was a bit surprised when he said he was at the barber. I had to hold back from asking WHATTTT? How can a coworker be more concerned for my safety than my partner? 

I think the number in the wallet is a great idea. Will definitely implement that today!


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> I too would be frustrated and as there is truly no reason another phone could not have been used he knows there is no validity in any reason he could give... sometimes we entrench ourselves into pride and minimizing another's concern is our way of trying to save face instead of being humble. Or it could be that it was not that big a deal to him. Either way frustrations come because we have expectations that are not being met and our desires for answers or results override our calm.
> 
> When I feel myself becoming frustrated like this I spend a quiet moment in patterned breathing then call my frustration out and introduce myself to it. It may sound silly, but it gives the clarity to identify exactly what exactly I am talking to (identify the root of the frustration) and allows me to see if I have a valid complaint or if I am taking myself way too seriously. Often it is a mixture of both, one leveraged more of course, but if I can remove my perceived hurt from it my answers come more clearly and I can then apply them the way I need to.
> 
> ...



@Emerging Buddhist "spend a quiet moment in patterned breathing then call my frustration out and introduce myself to it" doesn't sound silly at all. As a yoga practitioner I definitely know the benefits of breath and thought control. I've been so far removed from the yogi environment, I've put aside all these good teachings. This is an excellent reminder. Thank you.

You bring up a good point with the Protector role. I think that's part of his mindset because he's always been adamant about driving me, his sisters and mom wherever we need to go. He's never wanted me to use public transport even from the beginning although I've really wanted to because in my past experience it's been a good way to get to know a new area and its people. He's adopted that Protector role since his father left his family and told him he needed to look after everyone. This is why I was so surprised that he was not concerned and instead was upset about me leaving.

Afterwards I did feel that my shooing down his apology was a bad idea because it's sending the wrong message. Like I'm saying damned if you do and damned if you don't. I will acknowledge his apology when next we speak and express my appreciation for his effort to calm me and the situation.

"When you don't make the effort to keep me informed on something I rely on you with, I feel you you don't offer me the courtesy or respect my situation enough to provide your best effort".

This certainly describes how I feel. I think him asking me to wait till 6 next time is basically him asking me to lower my expectations of him. Where in the past he was dismayed by me basing my assumptions of situations on just that, low expectations of him. I've worked on that since then. This time my concern was based on the fact that I expected the best of him, I expected that he would make every effort to call.

I want to support his role as Protector because I know its important to him but I need him to understand that his actions/responses are confusing to me because in this instance they didn't fall in line with that aspect of him at all. I realize a big part of why he's upset I'll be taking the bus is because he will be embarrassed when his friends/mom/coworkers ask about it. Similarly I know a big part of the reason why he was so upset I left is because he was embarrassed that he had to ask my coworkers where I was and he had to look like a fool who didn't know the whereabouts of his partner. He has a big ego and I don't think he realizes that it gets in his own way sometimes.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Keke24 said:


> Thank you for responding @Yeswecan. I was a bit surprised when he said he was at the barber. I had to hold back from asking WHATTTT? How can a coworker be more concerned for my safety than my partner?
> 
> I think the number in the wallet is a great idea. Will definitely implement that today!


Keke24, my W safety comes first overall. Period. I don't care if I have to sit outside for a month of Sunday's...I'LL BE THERE. That is what caring loving individuals do. You might want to re-evaluate this relationship.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Taxi's are an option but they're very costly. For a ride home, it would be exactly what I would pay for 2weeks on the bus. And honestly, the taxis are not much safer. I feel better on a bus full of people than in alone in a taxi that will most likely have a male driver. And I'm really not exaggerating the safety issues. If you just google jamaica, girls, taxi or buses, you will understand.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Keke24 said:


> Taxi's are an option but they're very costly. For a ride home, it would be exactly what I would pay for 2weeks on the bus. And honestly, the taxis are not much safer. I feel better on a bus full of people than in alone in a taxi that will most likely have a male driver. And I'm really not exaggerating the safety issues. If you just google jamaica, girls, taxi or buses, you will understand.


I have heard that vacationers to Jamaica are NOT encouraged to go off the vacation facility property and if they do, at their own risk.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I'll share a funny story with you that you can laugh about. My dad is getting old, but he is still young enough to be fully independent. My siblings and I tease the crap out of him for the day he will become dependent upon us. So my dad lives in this swanky neighborhood and he was walking my mom out to her car one day. He turns around to realize that he locked himself out of his house, nor did he have his phone with him to call my mom.

So this is where it gets good. The neighbors that know my dad were not home, so he had to go wondering around (in his bath robe) until he found someone that could help him call my mom. Because he has gotten so used to his iPhone, my dad no longer knows anyone's phone numbers, so he has no idea what his own wife's cell phone number actually is because he never has to dial it. So he finally finds a neighbor, although this person is reluctant to help, but they help him.

NEIGHBOR: Ok I'll help you call your wife, what is her number?

DAD: I don't know.

NEIGHBOR: Is there anyone else I can call for you?

DAD: I have three children, but I do not know any of their numbers either, but perhaps you can call the office where my wife works.

NEIGHBOR: What is the number where your wife works?

DAD: I don't know.

NEIGHBOR: What is the name of where she works?

DAD: OK that I do know! (He tells the neighbor)

NEIGHBOR: Sir, the place where your wife works has not opened yet, the machine says they will not be open for another half hour. What do I need to do for you?

DAD: I don't know... 

...eventually my mom got the message and was able to call one of us to go help him, but OMG we have never let my dad live that one down. We have all become too dependent upon our cell phones and without them, we start to behave like an old person with dementia.

On a positive note @Keke24 you now have had a brief experience of what it will be like to live with your partner once the two of you start to get very old and develop dementia. Just be thankful that the two of you are still young and have time to prepare for that!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> I have heard that vacationers to Jamaica are NOT encouraged to go off the vacation facility property and if they do, at their own risk.


Like many places, the crime here is concentrated in certain areas. Kingston being one of them. The issue with public transportation is very serious because the police seem to be unable to regulate them or adequately deal with the crime surrounding their use. Just a week ago a schoolgirl was found murdered after being seen in a taxi, 2 weeks ago uproar in the media because of the harassment women face from bus conductors, about a month ago a boy was stabbed to death on a bus for his phone. Catcalling is such a turn off but the behavior displayed by conductors is so far beyond that. Sometimes my partner laughs when he observes it while driving sometimes but I see nothing funny about constant verbal harassment regardless of the fact that some women giggle out of embarrassment in the moment. I think once he has a daughter he'll understand why this is wrong. Plus the driving is outrageous! I've seen my fair share of driving but the way buses/taxis drive here is nothing short of absurd. Not one day goes by that my partner, who I commend for his excellent driving skills, doesn't find himself cussing them off in the morning AND evening. I cannot possibly imagine what worse driving by buses/taxis would look like. It is not fathomable. 

That being said, many hotels certainly exaggerate. Hotels can offer guests reliable, safe taxis and car rental options. More often than not the hotels that discourage going off property are all-inclusives. You can guess why it would be in their best interest to have guests remain on property. This warning to guests is not only issued here. I've personally spoken to visitors while in St. Lucia who received the same warnings from their hotel. And while St. Lucia, like Jamaica, may not be crime free, it is certainly much safer. I would feel very comfortable advising a tourist to use public transportation there while advising them to simply avoid questionable areas and stick to more populated locations.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

badsanta said:


> I'll share a funny story with you that you can laugh about. My dad is getting old, but he is still young enough to be fully independent. My siblings and I tease the crap out of him for the day he will become dependent upon us. So my dad lives in this swanky neighborhood and he was walking my mom out to her car one day. He turns around to realize that he locked himself out of his house, nor did he have his phone with him to call my mom.
> 
> So this is where it gets good. The neighbors that know my dad were not home, so he had to go wondering around (in his bath robe) until he found someone that could help him call my mom. Because he has gotten so used to his iPhone, my dad no longer knows anyone's phone numbers, so he has no idea what his own wife's cell phone number actually is because he never has to dial it. So he finally finds a neighbor, although this person is reluctant to help, but they help him.
> 
> ...



Thank you for that. I really appreciate you adding some humor to the situation. He'll probably be forgetting a lot more than my number as his family is has a history of alzheimers. Even more reason why I need to get that number in his wallet. Although he'd still be lost with just his robe on. Oy


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@badsanta OMG, that is too funny!!! :rofl:
@Keke24 You're not going to be able to change his behavior, so you'll need a back-up plan for when this sort of thing happens. If you can make him understand how stressful this sort of thing is for you, he might make a change, but he doesn't seem to understand that. He's being rather dismissive of your feelings. The question is, is he intentionally being dismissive, or is he just being a dufus?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

I just got back from taking the bus today and I actually liked the experience. 

I put on some slippers, didn't have to wait long for a bus, there was no blaring music, it was overcrowded but not too uncomfortable and the conductor was cool. It was nice to get home before it got dark. I spent some time with the dogs and had a relaxing shower. I'm enjoying having some time alone for a change. I feel quite the accomplished bus rider 

He called around 3pm saying he'll be a little late but he'll pick me up at 5:40. I said that completely ignoring that I said I would be taking the bus is very awkward. I said in any event, I really wanted to get home early as I'm tired from us getting to bed super late therefore I'll be taking the bus. He gave a deflated bye and hung up.

Now he's just called to ask if I'm home and says he's stuck in traffic at x location heading to pay this guy about the car something. I didn't quite pick up the details because he started mentioning places I don't really know of and I got lost in that. I'm wondering if he's being courteous or if he feels the need to report his status in light of yesterday's happenings. Over time his attitude and behavior will clarify that one.

You know @FeministInPink, I think it's a bit of both. However I'm inclined to let this one slide under dufus. I really think that he's a great guy who just lacks relationship experience. The kind of experience that teaches one to put aside pride, manage resentment in the relationship, value open communication and try their best to respond to a partner's emotional concerns. In short, I don't think he has a good grasp of what a serious relationship entails. Nevertheless, he's improved and I think he is open to learning. We would have less challenges if I had a better grasp of his personality quirks and the differences in thinking between men&women, and could remain calm enough to disengage and point out the bs and contradictions. I don't want to come across as trying to give him a pass and make excuses for his behaviour. I take pride in putting in the effort to make things work because I know he'll appreciate later and I value him/our relationship.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Today's news. 

It's effed up that it is that bad but I couldn't help laughing a bit. She said "a voice told her to do it". lolol


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Keke24 said:


> You know @FeministInPink, I think it's a bit of both. However I'm inclined to let this one slide under dufus. I really think that he's a great guy who just lacks relationship experience. The kind of experience that teaches one to put aside pride, manage resentment in the relationship, value open communication and try their best to respond to a partner's emotional concerns. In short, I don't think he has a good grasp of what a serious relationship entails. Nevertheless, he's improved and I think he is open to learning. We would have less challenges if I had a better grasp of his personality quirks and the differences in thinking between men&women, and could remain calm enough to disengage and point out the bs and contradictions. I don't want to come across as trying to give him a pass and make excuses for his behaviour. I take pride in putting in the effort to make things work because I know he'll appreciate later and I value him/our relationship.


I brought it up because my guy have had some moments like this. Not exactly the same, but still, it's a _WTF were you thinking_ sort of moments. Luckily, after the first one, he was like, "Look, I'm gonna **** up because I'm a guy and we do that because we're stupid. Just tell me when I do it, and how I can do better in the future, and I will." And he's held fast to that. So, in my guy's case, he wants to do better, and he's made it clear that we need to communicate so that he can do that. I'm not the one changing his behavior, he's doing it because he wants to. And him essentially giving me permission to call him out on sh!t makes it easier for me to communicate what is important to me and why. 

We have a code, sort of, that we've developed. When there is something that is really important to me, but he thinks it isn't or shouldn't, I say to him, "Please stop dismissing my feelings." If I say that, he knows that he needs to shut up and really listen to what I'm saying. The first time it happened, he was like, "I'm not dismissing them," and I responded, "Well, you said X, Y, and Z, which is doing A, B, and C, which really IS dismissing my feelings." We talked about it for a little more, calmly (!), and he said, "You're right, I can see how that was dismissive of your feelings, and I apologize. I never want to dismiss your feelings." Since then, if I mention dismissing feelings, he stops and thinks about what he just said, and we talk about it. It doesn't happen often, maybe once or twice in the last year, but it's good for our communication. We talk a lot about why we do things the way we do, we talk about the psychology behind it, about the impact our FOOs had on our relationship behaviors, how we feel about ourselves, and how we react in certain situations. 

We're lucky... we are both good communicators, when we feel safe emotionally. We both come from failed marriages where our spouses refused to communicate with us, refused to listen or respect our emotional needs, so with each other... it was hard initially, and it still is, sometimes, because we had both grown accustomed to being shut down by previous partners (and our FOOs). As long as you remember to really LISTEN to what your partner is saying (and NOT saying), and remember that they are listening to you, well then you can talk about pretty much anything.

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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

Can't he just keep a charger at work?


Also, how about buying yourself a car?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

FeministInPink said:


> I brought it up because my guy have had some moments like this. Not exactly the same, but still, it's a _WTF were you thinking_ sort of moments. Luckily, after the first one, he was like, "Look, I'm gonna **** up because I'm a guy and we do that because we're stupid. Just tell me when I do it, and how I can do better in the future, and I will." And he's held fast to that. So, in my guy's case, he wants to do better, and he's made it clear that we need to communicate so that he can do that. I'm not the one changing his behavior, he's doing it because he wants to. And him essentially giving me permission to call him out on sh!t makes it easier for me to communicate what is important to me and why.
> 
> We have a code, sort of, that we've developed. When there is something that is really important to me, but he thinks it isn't or shouldn't, I say to him, "Please stop dismissing my feelings." If I say that, he knows that he needs to shut up and really listen to what I'm saying. The first time it happened, he was like, "I'm not dismissing them," and I responded, "Well, you said X, Y, and Z, which is doing A, B, and C, which really IS dismissing my feelings." We talked about it for a little more, calmly (!), and he said, "You're right, I can see how that was dismissive of your feelings, and I apologize. I never want to dismiss your feelings." Since then, if I mention dismissing feelings, he stops and thinks about what he just said, and we talk about it. It doesn't happen often, maybe once or twice in the last year, but it's good for our communication. We talk a lot about why we do things the way we do, we talk about the psychology behind it, about the impact our FOOs had on our relationship behaviors, how we feel about ourselves, and how we react in certain situations.
> 
> We're lucky... we are both good communicators, when we feel safe emotionally. We both come from failed marriages where our spouses refused to communicate with us, refused to listen or respect our emotional needs, so with each other... it was hard initially, and it still is, sometimes, because we had both grown accustomed to being shut down by previous partners (and our FOOs). As long as you remember to really LISTEN to what your partner is saying (and NOT saying), and remember that they are listening to you, well then you can talk about pretty much anything.


I really like the idea of the code word. I should bring that up. I admire your relationship. Sounds like there's a lot of good open communication going on. That's exactly what I want. I know he wants that too but he hasn't quite figured out how to put it into action. You're right, it's so important to listen. Sometimes I lose sight of that and I'm guilty of listening just to respond. 

These are all great lessons and reminders. Thank you for sharing that.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Celes said:


> Can't he just keep a charger at work?
> 
> 
> Also, how about buying yourself a car?


A charger at work! Duh, why didn't I think of that.

I don't have a license and he literally just returned a rental we've had since I've been here as the car loan finally went through. So now that he has his own car, driving lessons for me are a priority. I need a car for my job so we'll have that figured out as soon as possible. So I'm definitely not deliberately trying to rely on him driving me everywhere. He has to do it for his mom as well so I would love to take that pressure off him.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Keke24 said:


> I really like the idea of the code word. I should bring that up. I admire your relationship. Sounds like there's a lot of good open communication going on. That's exactly what I want. I know he wants that too but he hasn't quite figured out how to put it into action. You're right, it's so important to listen. Sometimes I lose sight of that and I'm guilty of listening just to respond.
> 
> These are all great lessons and reminders. Thank you for sharing that.


You're welcome.

We are... a work in progress. We've had our hiccups and fights, etc. We are two flawed persons trying to learn from our previous mistakes. I sometimes think, "I can't believe his XW cheated on him and left him, he's so great!" and then I remember... the person he is now is not who he was then. The person he is NOW is a result of his previous experiences and failures. He says he has learned a lot about relationships and how to be a good partner from the kink community, that he used to be much more selfish as a partner and as a lover. We still make mistakes with one another, and while we work on those, we will still make new/different mistakes in the future. The important thing is not only to listen, but to remember that you are both imperfect and will make mistakes, and you have to know how to forgive those mistakes and move forward in a positive way, not by rug-sweeping but by addressing issues as they come up.

Trust me, I still do dumb ****, too. 

The code word developed organically. It was something we both felt our previous marriages, so when I said it... it resonated with him.

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