# Thoughs, hopes, fears, & empathy



## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Before I get started, I would like to say that I am looking for female opinions. I know some of the guys are well intentioned, but you are guys. I need a woman's POV.

Let me just say that I am fairly analytical type person and I try not to let emotions get in the way of things. I was brought up in a home that the only real emotions were negative. I don't work on an emotional level as a result and communicate very poorly in this regard. Give me the straight and level up front and I am great. If something is really important, you have to tell me sometimes, I have trouble picking up small cues. If you beat around the bush or try to be subtle about what you want, I usually will not get it. 


My wife and I have issues with communication. We had a discussion this weekend that shined a little light on things that would be helpful for her, and some for me. Her main complaints with me are: She thinks I do not hear her and I do not share any of my hopes, fears, or emotions with her. I get these are big issues and I want to make this work.

The first complaint about not hearing her, what does this really mean? What can I do to convey that I get what she is saying? I have read some books on communication that discuss reflecting back to her what she is says to ensure I get it right. I feel that she is looking for a more than that, some form of empathy perhaps? 

As for the not sharing my hopes, fears, and other emotions I get that part some. Going back to growing up, you did not share things unless you wanted a negative response, therefore I have always had trouble communicating on such a emotional level. This is something I have wanted to work on but have no idea of how to do it. Some would suggest a counselor, but I am not sure how that would help. Could I get a little clear direction from some of you? I would appreciate it.

Oh, as a side note, my wife is a LPC so that makes things much more interesting. I really feel out of my league talking with her at times.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Have you shared all this with your wife? Does she understand that you have difficulty emotions and communication?

Because if she's an LPC, I'd expect she'd be better equipped to know how to deal with a person who has trouble sharing emotions, and who would know techniques for communication. 

If you haven't told her all this, I'd suggest that's a good place to start. Tell her that you would like her help in accessing and expressing your thoughts, feelings and emotions with her.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

True intimacy REQUIRES opening up, sharing your deepest thoughts, wishes, fears, desires, insecurities, fears, hopes, dreams...

If you are not opening up to your wife on this level, then she is feeling shut out, not "connected", alone, with someone who is not a *true partner.*..

Does it make you vulnerable when you share these things??? YES, in a major way. But that's what it means to truly be someone's partner in life... not just a paycheck and two people slogging through life in an endless "chore"...

Seek individual counseling for yourself. Learn how to open up and stop being closed off. My counselor once told me -- "'Open people have "nooks and crannies" that I can dig into and help them realize true joy and happiness... "Closed" people are like 'Teflon' and everything I say, all my recommendations, bounce off..."

I had nooks and crannies. Sadly, my ex was Teflon. Our marriage ended.

Just my 2 cents...


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

norajane said:


> Have you shared all this with your wife? Does she understand that you have difficulty emotions and communication?
> 
> Because if she's an LPC, I'd expect she'd be better equipped to know how to deal with a person who has trouble sharing emotions, and who would know techniques for communication.
> 
> If you haven't told her all this, I'd suggest that's a good place to start. Tell her that you would like her help in accessing and expressing your thoughts, feelings and emotions with her.


We have talked about this, but as HAAC notes, she does not feel connected. Hence her complaint about the sharing of emotions. I understand that this is a big deal.

She is willing to work with me but would really like me to find a neutral third party (counselor) to talk and work on this issue as well. This may sound stupid, but being the analytical guy I am, I am not sure how that would help. Maybe just learning how to talk with someone that does not have a vested interest and that could transfer to my relationship?

There is definitely no black and white when it comes to this stuff and it is frustrating to me.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

A counselor will help because trying to teach your partner creates a parent/child dynamic that you both will eventually resent. It feels patronizing to the "student" and like a chore to the "teacher". And most people don't really take direction all that well from their spouse. Having your wife tell you what you're doing wrong communication-wise is unlikely to help the two of you communicate. It's more likely to create further arguments as you each grow more defensive and entrenched in your own positions. 

If you need something a little more analytical than that: Trying to teach you the fundamentals of how to act in a relationship makes your wife not want to have sex with you.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Rowan said:


> A counselor will help because trying to teach your partner creates a parent/child dynamic that you both will eventually resent. It feels patronizing to the "student" and like a chore to the "teacher". And most people don't really take direction all that well from their spouse. Having your wife tell you what you're doing wrong communication-wise is unlikely to help the two of you communicate. It's more likely to create further arguments as you each grow more defensive and entrenched in your own positions.



This part really does make sense. Thanks.


As to part about not hearing her, is this where the principles of validation would really help? I have been doing some research I come across subject a lot. My wife as mentioned it as a part of what she does too.

I am looking for a local counselor to work on the communication in general. I do want to make this work.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

C3156 said:


> .


Start by telling her that.

My ex and I used to do an activity that I love and still miss.
We shared each other's dreams. 
We would have dinner and I would tell him about last night's dream. If he had none to share, he would be not. But we would discuss our dreams and make them like story time for us.

Perhaps you should do that, a way of bonding with her. 
Good luck!!!

EDIT: wrong quote sorry.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

norajane said:


> Because if she's an LPC, I'd expect she'd be better equipped to know how to deal with a person who has trouble sharing emotions, and who would know techniques for communication.


You WOULD expect that, but having worked in the field for so long I can tell you the exact opposite is true. They very often carry a false mystique of "Oh that couldnt happen to me."


Strange how often they get bit by it.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

C3156 said:


> Before I get started, I would like to say that I am looking for female opinions. I know some of the guys are well intentioned, but you are guys. I need a woman's POV.


F you 2





C3156 said:


> Let me just say that I am fairly analytical type person and I try not to let emotions get in the way of things. I was brought up in a home that the only real emotions were negative. I don't work on an emotional level as a result and communicate very poorly in this regard. Give me the straight and level up front and I am great. If something is really important, you have to tell me sometimes, I have trouble picking up small cues. If you beat around the bush or try to be subtle about what you want, I usually will not get it.
> 
> 
> My wife and I have issues with communication. We had a discussion this weekend that shined a little light on things that would be helpful for her, and some for me. Her main complaints with me are: She thinks I do not hear her and I do not share any of my hopes, fears, or emotions with her. I get these are big issues and I want to make this work.
> ...


If you get what she is saying, what ACTIONS have you taken to show her that you "hear" her.

Telling someone you hear them but not taking actions = worthless




C3156 said:


> As for the not sharing my hopes, fears, and other emotions I get that part some. Going back to growing up, you did not share things unless you wanted a negative response, therefore I have always had trouble communicating on such a emotional level. This is something I have wanted to work on but have no idea of how to do it. Some would suggest a counselor, but I am not sure how that would help. Could I get a little clear direction from some of you? I would appreciate it.
> 
> Oh, as a side note, my wife is a LPC so that makes things much more interesting. I really feel out of my league talking with her at times.



She is asking you to be more open, cause you know, you are a "man" and those creatures don't share their feelings.

Open up, it will bring you 2 closer.

Yes, I'm a man....j


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Not that I don't have other needs, but quality communication is up there on the list for me. Active listening is very good for this - especially when she's venting about her day or trying to tackle a problem. It doesn't have to sound like a therapy exercise to do it. Casually rephrasing things she said, asking for clarification if you don't get what she's saying/asking etc. It's hard to complain you're not being heard if what you said gets parroted back to you.

Paying attention to things can help too. Say your wife says in passing that she likes ____(item), or has wanted to go to _____(place, restaurant, attraction etc.). Make a mental note of that thing or place and in a week or two, or even a couple of months surprise her with it. When my spouse does this, I think it's very sweet that he remembered.

Sometimes when a woman shares a vulnerability with you, she is inviting you to do the same. It's a bit of a trust exercise. (I trusted you enough that I showed you my warts, please feel safe enough to show me yours.) So if she's sharing something meaningful about her own experiences, thoughts, feelings, fears... try to relate to her and share one of your own. She will feel closer to you for it. Your wife feeling a stronger connection for you will never be a bad thing! I am sorry for what happened in your FOO but try to see your wife as an individual. Who knows, it may also make you feel closer to your wife to be able to share your deepest and darkest and most intimate with her above all others. 

An easier, smaller step you can take here if you don't already do so is make sure your wife is the first to know about any big news. Before you call your buddies, siblings or parents about something significant, tell it to your wife first. Prioritize her. Don't let her ever be the last to know about something or find out third hand from someone else as it will make her feel undermined in the relationship. Got a promotion at work? A traffic ticket? Thinking of going on vacation to ___ or starting a business? Making a big household purchase? Your wife knows first. 

Another common conflict between men and women particularly when communicating is that our goals are usually different. This goes back to the empathy question you had in your post. Women often communicate to share feelings, men to share information. Talking about a problem for women is often the solution in itself. Whereas men hear us b!tching and moaning about a problem and think we are asking how to fix it. 

Both sides need compassion and understanding and compromise here! Until you learn whether she is talking so she can vent and feel supported by you or whether she's genuinely asking for advice, it is okay for you to ask her what she needs from you. (Are you looking for my advice/opinion or do you just need me to listen?)

This is also where the active listening may help. Try to guess what she was feeling in the situations she was talking to you about. "It sounds like you were feeling pretty ____ when ___ happened." Even relay how that would make you feel if you were in her shoes... "Oh man, that would be really annoying." "She really said THAT?! That took a lot of nerve!" Or just ask her how that made her feel. "Did that p!ss you off? Stress you out?" etc. if you're not sure. 

Of course - the obvious... if she's talking, give her your attention. Make eye contact. If your back is turned towards her, turn your body around, look her in the eye, get your face out of your phone etc.

For example...and think what you will about the Obama's but I am not here to discuss US politics. We have an entire forum for that. 

However, politics aside, one thing I have always noticed about them is how much attention/regard they display for each other when they are talking. When Michelle is speaking, even in interviews to someone else, his body language shows he is paying attention to HER. His body is turned towards her, usually his legs are angled towards her legs, his eyes are looking at hers etc. etc. They say up to 90% of communication is non-verbal. So try to be aware about your body language. Even if she doesn't consciously note your body is inattentive, she will feel it. Same goes if you are physically posturing your openness to her.


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