# Day 1 Of Separation



## Rob1983 (Jun 1, 2021)

Good Morning All,

I am new here and today my wife is moving out after 7 years of marriage. We have two children aged 3 and 1. She says she just needs space to think about things and it is not a divorce at the moment. I do not want this I love her with all my heart. There is no physical or mental abuse, and neither of us have cheated. The last year has been difficult as for so many others. Her business closed due to Covid, I had a 20% paycut and we had to move in with her Father. I was working 14hrs a day and she says she does not feel like she was a priority in my life.

Anyway any suggestions on how to deal with this or should I message her etc would be greatly appreciated. 

Happy to answer any questions you may have.

Many thanks.

Rob


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Would counselling be an option?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Where is she moving to?


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## Rob1983 (Jun 1, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> Would counselling be an option?


We have been having individual coaching sessions but yes I am keen to have a counselling session with someone. I have always wanted this as I think it is a good check in. We do have problems with communication and I believe that is our main issue so a counsellor would help with that. I don't want to push her too much so will give her some space and then suggest it.


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## Rob1983 (Jun 1, 2021)

manfromlamancha said:


> Where is she moving to?


She has rented another house about 20 min from our home.


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## Rob1983 (Jun 1, 2021)

Rob1983 said:


> She has rented another house about 20 min from our home.


She got a really well paid job in Feb and I got a promotion at work finally everything seemed to be going right! Till she said she wanted a break.......Even a week before she was telling me how much she loved me.


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## Emily Bronte (Mar 21, 2021)

Rob1983 said:


> She got a really well paid job in Feb and I got a promotion at work finally everything seemed to be going right! Till she said she wanted a break.......Even a week before she was telling me how much she loved me.


If you ask me, give her some time and space to think things through. Give her the opportunity to miss you, so to speak, and when at least one month has passed, then start talking to her about preserving your marriage. And if it is meant to be, it will.
What were your arguments about mainly?
Was it household issues or problems with feelings/intimacy?
Everyone has suffered the negative effects of Covid but not everyone has divorced because of that.
I know you are in pain now but try to think of a strategy ahead and that not everything is lost


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Can I just say it's very strange for a mother to abandon a 3 year old and a 1 year old? Unless she is taking them with her.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> Can I just say it's very strange for a mother to abandon a 3 year old and a 1 year old? Unless she is taking them with her.


One of my brothers, has an aesthetically challenged wife, who did the same kind of thing. When she left him to go live with the father of her first child, who she brought with her while abandoning three of her other children.

What baffles me is that my brother took her back, after the other man got sick of her after a few months and told her to "expletive off".

This happened a few years ago now, and my brother is still with her. I guess some people (including my brother) can't help but go out of their way to be victims.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Rob1983 said:


> any suggestions on how to deal with this


Get some decent legal advice, and start the process of divorcing her as soon as possible.


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## Rob1983 (Jun 1, 2021)

Emily Bronte said:


> If you ask me, give her some time and space to think things through. Give her the opportunity to miss you, so to speak, and when at least one month has passed, then start talking to her about preserving your marriage. And if it is meant to be, it will.
> What were your arguments about mainly?
> Was it household issues or problems with feelings/intimacy?
> Everyone has suffered the negative effects of Covid but not everyone has divorced because of that.
> I know you are in pain now but try to think of a strategy ahead and that not everything is lost


Main argument is about not been a partnership she says I was not present.....I thought I was waking up at 5 going to work for 14hrs for my family I do and will do anything for them but guess I was not maybe there emotionally for her. Yes everyone including her family are all very confused about this whole situation. She has refused to go to a meeting with her family to discuss this. so yes for the moment I think just the space is what I will do,


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## Rob1983 (Jun 1, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Can I just say it's very strange for a mother to abandon a 3 year old and a 1 year old? Unless she is taking them with her.


We will share the kids according to her....1 weekend each then share during the week. She believes that they will be fine with this depending on how we behave. I disagree but only time will tell. I will make sure I give them both as much attention and support as possible. I will not bad mouth their Mother to them or in front of them.


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## Rob1983 (Jun 1, 2021)

Personal said:


> Get some decent legal advice, and start the process of divorcing her as soon as possible.


Although it might come to that I still have to believe we can get through this. I will fight for my marriage not only for my kids but myself. I love her very much and truly believe she is just going through a tough time and does not see how else to solve this. Although we are not putting a time frame on it officially I will give myself 2-3 months then I will ask for a decision if there still is not one. All her family brothers included are baffled but tell me to fight so that's what I will do


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rob1983 said:


> We will share the kids according to her....1 weekend each then share during the week. She believes that they will be fine with this depending on how we behave. I disagree but only time will tell. I will make sure I give them both as much attention and support as possible. I will not bad mouth their Mother to them or in front of them.


How are going to work 14 hours a day looking after 2 toddlers?


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## Rob1983 (Jun 1, 2021)

Personal said:


> One of my brothers, has an aesthetically challenged wife, who did the same kind of thing. When she left him to go live with the father of her first child, who she brought with her while abandoning three of her other children.
> 
> What baffles me is that my brother took her back, after the other man got sick of her after a few months and told her to "expletive off".
> 
> This happened a few years ago now, and my brother is still with her. I guess some people (including my brother) can't help but go out of their way to be victims.


I disagree not all cases are the same and I have to give my marriage time. Although this is hard I have to give her the space she is needing to decide what she wants. Who knows maybe we will come back stronger but I am preparing for the worst. There is no other man involved (that I know of) but if there is that would end it immediately for me.


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## Rob1983 (Jun 1, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> How are going to work 14 hours a day looking after 2 toddlers?


Well I was promoted a few months ago so my working hours have reduced. I live in Zambia and we have a fantastic Nanny who has been with us since my son was born. We have both had to work as school fees medical and everything else in Zambia is so expensive. We don't really live close to family so that is not an option. I am home by 5pm everyday now and I do not work weekends so I just need to make sure that I am there present as a Father with every second I have with them.


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## Rob1983 (Jun 1, 2021)

Emily Bronte said:


> If you ask me, give her some time and space to think things through. Give her the opportunity to miss you, so to speak, and when at least one month has passed, then start talking to her about preserving your marriage. And if it is meant to be, it will.
> What were your arguments about mainly?
> Was it household issues or problems with feelings/intimacy?
> Everyone has suffered the negative effects of Covid but not everyone has divorced because of that.
> I know you are in pain now but try to think of a strategy ahead and that not everything is lost


'Thank you for been positive I agree that not everything is lost and if you believe in something enough it is worth fighting for.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

There is another man.


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## Rob1983 (Jun 1, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> There is another man.


Well I will soon find out I suppose but until it is proven I will not throw accusations around.....if there is any hope of our marriage working that would end it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rob1983 said:


> She has rented another house about 20 min from our home.


I am guessing it's a 6 or 12 month rental? 
This is so sad, those little children will definitely be damaged by her selfish actions. Having their family break up, having to live in two different places, for such small children that will be very unsettling. At least they have their nanny although will the nanny stay with you only? Or go with her as well?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rob1983 said:


> Well I will soon find out I suppose but until it is proven I will not throw accusations around.....if there is any hope of our marriage working that would end it.


You could hire a pi. Remember she started a new job quite recently so it's possible she met someone there.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Sorry to have to say this but how many times have we seen a wife start a new job and then the marriage crumbles?

My immediate thoughts were that there is a new man in her life and she is keeping you hanging as a safety net in case it doesn’t work out.

I hope I am wrong but I would wholeheartedly agree with Diana1 to hire a PI or start digging around yourself.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

why do people think that women have to have a man , do people not think that she might be now braking away because she has a better job and can , has nothing to do with the op wishing to win her back and i hope he wins


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## Rob1983 (Jun 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I am guessing it's a 6 or 12 month rental?
> This is so sad, those little children will definitely be damaged by her selfish actions. Having their family break up, having to live in two different places, for such small children that will be very unsettling. At least they have their nanny although will the nanny stay with you only? Or go with her as well?


Not sure on the rental time frame.....While I agree that it will be unsettling I have to manage it to the best of my ability in the hope that we can be together. The nanny will go where the kids are. My son is 3 and is going to school so that will be some normality for him. My wife believes as long as we handle this like adults then they should be ok. I am dreading not seeing my kids they are my world! All her family agree that the children should be put first but her argument is how can she be the best Mum to them if she is not happy......my response to that was well I will keep the kids! haha.....did not go down to well! I cannot keep her from seeing them she does love just as much as me if not more due to the fact that she birthed them. That is why I have to put a time frame on this and then if it does come for divorce put everything I have into fighting for them. They cannot be brought up moving houses like tennis balls.......I don't want to be a weekend father.


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## Rob1983 (Jun 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> You could hire a pi. Remember she started a new job quite recently so it's possible she met someone there.


I really hope not and don't want to do that......I am not silly enough to understand it is possible but I do have to give her the benifit of the doubt.


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## Rob1983 (Jun 1, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> why do people think that women have to have a man , do people not think that she might be now braking away because she has a better job and can , has nothing to do with the op wishing to win her back and i hope he wins


Thanks bud and yes maybe she feels she can now......I will fight till the day the papers are signed though! At the end of the day she will be in my life for a very long time due to the kids. She knows how much they mean to me! So I have to be as positive as possible for her and my children. She needs to see I can be the husband she can be proud of......


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## Rob1983 (Jun 1, 2021)

So was more looking for advice on how to cope during this time......some tips to stop me messaging her, or to start thinking more positive.....while their is no violence I do get so angry and bring up things that have no substance or relevance to this situation and say things I really do not mean. I want to stop fighting and start moving forward.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Check the cellphone bill.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

frenchpaddy said:


> why do people think that women have to have a man , do people not think that she might be now braking away because she has a better job and can , has nothing to do with the op wishing to win her back and i hope he wins


Because it’s a very normal occurrence. If you’ve seen a lot of these situations there is normally someone else in the mix. It happened all the time.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

frenchpaddy said:


> why do people think that women have to have a man , do people not think that she might be now braking away because she has a better job and can , has nothing to do with the op wishing to win her back and i hope he wins


Because if you read all these stories where the wife just got a new job and all of the sudden she needs a break you will find out that almost always it turns out that there was a man. 
You need to get your blinds off. There's occasionally a case where there was not other man, but almost most cases there is one.

For OP. Proceed with caution. Trust but verify. And if there's a third party, remember: what love got to do with anything? Your love for her means nothing if she's not on board and has somebody in the wings. 

When infidelity is the cause , trying to reconcile at all cost would be a sign of a weak pathetic man that is willing to be a cuckold as long as he gets the woman back. This make women to lose all or any respect they might have for a man that lower himself to that level of self respect. 

Prepare yourself, because what I see is you begging and she getting away from you. If you start begging and being the solicitous one, you'll pretty soon will see where that will get you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Rob1983 said:


> I really hope not and don't want to do that......I am not silly enough to understand it is possible but I do have to give her the benifit of the doubt.


If you want to try and salvage this you need to be sure about what you’re dealing with. Women usually don’t separate unless they want distance for someone else. Happens all the time. You aren’t helping yourself by not being sure.


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## Rob1983 (Jun 1, 2021)

if there is a 


Rob_1 said:


> Because if you read all these stories where the wife just got a new job and all of the sudden she needs a break you will find out that almost always it turns out that there was a man.
> You need to get your blinds off. There's occasionally a case where there was not other man, but almost most cases there is one.
> 
> For OP. Proceed with caution. Trust but verify. And if there's a third party, remember: what love got to do with anything? Your love for her means nothing if she's not on board and has somebody in the wings.
> ...


3rd party there is no going back no reconciling we done! I know that I know I would not be able to get over that end of story. We have the same coach and the coach has told me that there is no one else her sisters have told me there is no one else so I have to give her the benefit. I know I could be very wrong and I will keep you updated.


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## Rob1983 (Jun 1, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> If you want to try and salvage this you need to be sure about what you’re dealing with. Women usually don’t separate unless they want distance for someone else. Happens all the time. You aren’t helping yourself by not being sure.


We will have joint sessions with a coach and also we have discussed counselling..that is the only way I will go back as there is a lot that needs to be sorted and we need a mediator as we can't argue at the moment we both fighting to be right.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Rob1983 said:


> Good Morning All,
> 
> I am new here and today my wife is moving out after 7 years of marriage. We have two children aged 3 and 1. She says she just needs space to think about things and it is *not a divorce at the moment. I do not want this I love her with all my heart. There is no physical or mental abuse, and neither of us have cheated. *The last year has been difficult as for so many others. Her business closed due to Covid, I had a 20% paycut and we had to move in with her Father. I was working 14hrs a day and she says she does not feel like she was a priority in my life.
> 
> ...


Sorry man but a separation is a prelude to divorce. You can’t/don’t work on a marriage by separating. 
I’ve seen this a lot.

To many come here thinking it’s one thing and most often there is someone else in there marriage.

The signs are there. Wake up.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Marc878 said:


> Sorry man but a separation is a prelude to divorce. You can’t/don’t work on a marriage by separating.
> I’ve seen this a lot.
> 
> To many come here thinking it’s one thing and most often there is someone else in there marriage.
> ...


I completely agree with this.
For her to rent a house without you even knowing is huge. No discussion about it or anything. 
She is simply trying to spare your feelings. The marriage is over in her mind.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Rob1983 said:


> if there is a
> 
> 3rd party there is no going back no reconciling we done! I know that I know I would not be able to get over that end of story. We have the same coach and the coach has told me that there is no one else her sisters have told me there is no one else so* I have to give her the benefit.* I know I could be very wrong and I will keep you updated.


Nope you sure don’t. It’s your life too, isn’t it? If there is a 3rd party and that is a dealbreaker then you will be wasting your time. Her sisters will side with her no matter what. I can guarantee you the coach is there to save the marriage. He doesn’t know or care if there’s someone else involved.

You can investigate by checking phone records or having someone drive by her place at night.

It sounds like you don’t want to know. Burying your head in the sand and seeing only what you want to see will just waste your time and will get you nothing. I’d at least rule it out. That’s the smart thing to do.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Torninhalf said:


> For her to rent a house without you even knowing is huge. No discussion about it or anything.


She could have had space to think by moving into... the spare room...  Leaving 2 toddlers like that - despite the future plan to co-parent - is a massive red flag. What mother does that? Just because you haven't met her emotional needs when you were killing yourself working 14 hours a day to support the family?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

*Blame-shifting *is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

This is probably what you are currently getting. Very common. Happens all the time.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

frenchpaddy said:


> why do people think that women have to have a man , do people not think that she might be now braking away because she has a better job and can , has nothing to do with the op wishing to win her back and i hope he wins


That is the hope.

Hope is often held firm by goodwill.

She has given up and is now that _'walk-away' _wife.
No goodwill coming from her side.

As you commented, it could be that her getting this promotion and better job has given her hope, and a means to escape her marriage.
Hope, that does not include him.

Zambia has a soaring divorce rate, many of those old traditions have _gone by the wayside._
I am sure she is paying attention to what other women are doing.
She may have some lady friends who are badly influencing her.

If she does not have a new lover, *yet*, she will soon find one.
This is_ the way of the flesh._

This is her way of saying_ "I can do better, without you"._

She abandoned you.
Go get a divorce, and find a new spouse.

See this as an opportunity to do better for yourself and children.
...............................................................................................

This divorce trend is a shame.

Zambia's women, ~50% of them have four children, or more.
Divorce is harder on larger families.

AIDS still is a worry in Africa, as are other STD's.
Finding new sexual partners is _rife with risk.


Lilith-_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Rob there is something very strange going on here. From what you have said you are a hard worker and the two of you are experiencing what I would call "normal" marital problems. A mother of young kids doesn't just up and leave simply because she now has a better job and feels she needs to "find" herself. There is more to this than meets the eye and in my experience, she is suffering mental problems (including severe depression) or there is someone else. In this case it sounds like she might be monkey branching which is testing another branch thoroughly before she lets go of the first one. You really need to be vigilant in terms of checking up on her calls and activities.

Have the two of you agreed any sort of terms or boundaries for this separation e.g. no dating anyone else, no bringing strange men (women in your case) around the kids etc. What is the online dating scene like in Zambia? This does not pass the sniff test at the moment. And it doesn't matter at all how hard you want to try - if there is something else you better find out quick. And do not feel guilty at all about snooping on her.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I see this as....

Running from one's problems and leaping into the flames.

OP may be a bad husband, but, we do not know this.
It _seems_ not the case.

There are no (truly) *bad toddlers, only bad parents.
At that stage of life, that is the norm.

Abandoning one's children is _thought more_ a 'male' thing.
But, mental illness, drugs and alcohol, and rampant lust and selfishness can cause a woman to do this, in turn.



*OK, some babes are little tyrants.


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## Rob1983 (Jun 1, 2021)

manfromlamancha said:


> Rob there is something very strange going on here. From what you have said you are a hard worker and the two of you are experiencing what I would call "normal" marital problems. A mother of young kids doesn't just up and leave simply because she now has a better job and feels she needs to "find" herself. There is more to this than meets the eye and in my experience, she is suffering mental problems (including severe depression) or there is someone else. In this case it sounds like she might be monkey branching which is testing another branch thoroughly before she lets go of the first one. You really need to be vigilant in terms of checking up on her calls and activities.
> 
> Have the two of you agreed any sort of terms or boundaries for this separation e.g. no dating anyone else, no bringing strange men (women in your case) around the kids etc. What is the online dating scene like in Zambia? This does not pass the sniff test at the moment. And it doesn't matter at all how hard you want to try - if there is something else you better find out quick. And do not feel guilty at all about snooping on her.


So I think depression might be part of the problem she lost her Mum 6 years ago and did not deal with it very well then the birth of our son was very distressing to the point I had to sign a form to say who the priority was my wife or unborn child happily both survived but she had thoughts and dreams of death for a long time after that then with our daughter it was a very hard pregnancy she was born early and just 2 months before covid hit Zambia so we went from having a new baby to losing companies to pay cuts to moving in with her Father and me working all hours just to keep the kids fed. So I do believe there is some depression there. My Dad has also been ill for 4 years (he was given two to live) and he and my Mum returned to the UK so I have not seen him in 2 years. So also have been diagnosed with PTSD (former Uk military) as well as my Dad so I don't think it is all to do with another man possibly is but I think there is a lot more to it........


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## Rob1983 (Jun 1, 2021)

manfromlamancha said:


> Rob there is something very strange going on here. From what you have said you are a hard worker and the two of you are experiencing what I would call "normal" marital problems. A mother of young kids doesn't just up and leave simply because she now has a better job and feels she needs to "find" herself. There is more to this than meets the eye and in my experience, she is suffering mental problems (including severe depression) or there is someone else. In this case it sounds like she might be monkey branching which is testing another branch thoroughly before she lets go of the first one. You really need to be vigilant in terms of checking up on her calls and activities.
> 
> Have the two of you agreed any sort of terms or boundaries for this separation e.g. no dating anyone else, no bringing strange men (women in your case) around the kids etc. What is the online dating scene like in Zambia? This does not pass the sniff test at the moment. And it doesn't matter at all how hard you want to try - if there is something else you better find out quick. And do not feel guilty at all about snooping on her.


She is reluctant to put a time frame on things but we have agreed no seeing other people....she said she would respect the marriage and she has to much respect for herself to do that. She still wears her wedding rings so lets see


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

*Grass is greener..*

There is a large amount of *green grass* in Africa.

Ah, but humans do not subsist on *green grass*. They live on *green cash*.

In the internet age, our world has gotten smaller, our eyes _{cannot, but see_}, what others have and are doing.

Temptation is that inner monster tearing at one's soul.
Temptation is everywhere, tainting everything safe and traditional.

Rob1983's wife has given in to_ temptation.





_


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

I will be shocked if there isn't a sancho involved here. I would suggest doing some sleuthing or hiring a PI just for your own peace of mind down the road. Good luck to you.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Was she treated for her post partum depression? 

If she was depressed for a while and then had a difficult pregnancy and childbirth, she could be still going through post partum depression. 

She might need a counselor who can help her with this and probably some medication as well.


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## Rob1983 (Jun 1, 2021)

pastasauce79 said:


> Was she treated for her post partum depression?
> 
> If she was depressed for a while and then had a difficult pregnancy and childbirth, she could be still going through post partum depression.
> 
> She might need a counselor who can help her with this and probably some medication as well.


That it no she was not treated has not even seen a professional she said last night actually she is going to go see someone so lets see


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

None of us can say for certain if there is an OM or not. All we can do is speculate. 

That said, how you deal with a cheating wife versus a walkaway wife is DRAMATICALLY different. 

Do some minor investigating. Check your phone bill. That is the easiest thing you can do to investigate.

Beyond that, give her space. Lots of it. Give her so much space that she wonders if you were the one initiate this situation. Be busy. Pursue hobbies. Let her see you living a full, enjoyable life without her. 

And, if you want to message her less...then freaking message her less. You have the ability to exercise restraint. Stop making excuses.

Furthermore, separation is not the typical path to healing a relationship, rather it is the first step to divorce. Make sure you keep this in mind as you move forward. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

It could well be a mental issue. Have you asked her to see a therapist (recently or in the past)?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Rob1983 said:


> She is reluctant to put a time frame on things but we have agreed no seeing other people....she said she would respect the marriage and she has to much respect for herself to do that. She still wears her wedding rings so lets see


If it is an affair. Lies are common. They will promise/tell you anything but actions are more truthful than words. Her actions say she’s checking out of the marriage. Separation if it’s an affair is to spend more time with their affair partner with you conveniently out of the way.

The reason everyone is suspecting here is because it’s way to common.

There was a poster a year or so back (from Canada) that was going through the same scenario. He was adamant there was nothing going on until he dropped by her place unannounced and found her with her new boyfriend. That’s when he discovered it was all lies.

We all hope we’re wrong but this scene plays out here all the time.

Sorry


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Rob, you are good man, but you are being blindsided and haven't figured it out yet.

Time to wake up and investigate a little.

Do not accuse or confront her about any of this until you have finished any sort of evidence gathering, as she will just hid it further.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

There is no harm in hiring a PI for a week or so. I wonder if you are afraid of what you may find out? She will not know.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Is Tinder popular in Zambia? Is there someone at work that she particularly talks a lot to? about?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> There is no harm in hiring a PI for a week or so. I wonder if you are afraid of what you may find out? She will not know.


Do you have any idea how much it would cost to hire a PI for a week?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Rob1983 said:


> Good Morning All,
> 
> I am new here and today my wife is moving out after 7 years of marriage. We have two children aged 3 and 1. She says she just needs space to think about things and it is not a divorce at the moment. I do not want this I love her with all my heart. There is no physical or mental abuse, and neither of us have cheated. The last year has been difficult as for so many others. Her business closed due to Covid, I had a 20% paycut and we had to move in with her Father. I was working 14hrs a day and she says she does not feel like she was a priority in my life.
> 
> ...


I’ll just go ahead and say it:

I need space: This is a CLASSICAL tactic of a cheater, wanting to try out a new man while keeping you on the hook.
My point: of you haven’t verified through every means possible that another man doesn’t have her interest, then investigate so you can’t be made plan B while she test drives other dudes.

one thing is certain, chasing her won’t get her back. Ignoring her stepping out of the marriage don’t fix it, acting/being weak won’t either.

Please don’t let your wife do this to you. What she is doing, separating and keeping you on a leash is literally torturing you. Emotionally abusive!!!!

I strongly advise you to move on with your life, file for divorce, and learn to be happy alone. It will hurt. It takes a while. But what you’re eGm during is pure hell.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

frenchpaddy said:


> why do people think that women have to have a man , do people not think that she might be now braking away because she has a better job and can , has nothing to do with the op wishing to win her back and i hope he wins


Because they do


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> There is another man.


Yep.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Do you have any idea how much it would cost to hire a PI for a week?


It sounds as if he isn't hard up if they have a full time nanny.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Yep.


Yep again. Beyond a doubt.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

A lot of betrayed spouses find comfort in not knowing. That way they don’t have to make a decision.

if they don’t see a problem they don’t have to do anything.

The problem is their but ignorance is bliss for awhile. The longer an affair goes on the tighter the bond.

If it is an affair it’s already sexual/physical. They don’t move out just for emotions.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> None of us can say for certain if there is an OM or not. All we can do is speculate.
> 
> That said, how you deal with a cheating wife versus a walkaway wife is DRAMATICALLY different.
> 
> ...


Wise advice. You control you, your phone, etc. No crying, begging or pleading. All that does is make you look weak and unattractive.

If you chase they always move farther away. A lot can’t stop it to their detriment. Beware!!!!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Absolutely if you chase, she will buy new track shoes..... at all costs, don’t call her, don’t communicate. 
And please, find out who the other man is.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Just show up unannounced with dinner but be prepared for the other guy to be there.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Your best course of action here is to take control of your situation and stop letting your wife dictate the terms of your marriage and eventual divorce - because that’s where it’s going.

Do not allow this separation to continue, period. Not for another day.

A separation is only a way to:
1. ease into a divorce at her convenience, and/or
2. try out another man/men

Do not allow a separation. She can work on her issues at home, as your wife. You can give her some space without a separation.

She’s either your wife or she’s not. If she insists she needs a separation to figure things out, YOU file for divorce immediately - because that is what she is choosing. She just wants to do it at her convenience. If she insists on a separation, she is choosing to no longer be your wife, and she will not be acting like your wife.
You need to act immediately in your own best interest.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Rob1983 said:


> Not sure on the rental time frame.....While I agree that it will be unsettling I have to manage it to the best of my ability in the hope that we can be together. The nanny will go where the kids are. My son is 3 and is going to school so that will be some normality for him. My wife believes as long as we handle this like adults then they should be ok. I am dreading not seeing my kids they are my world! All her family agree that the children should be put first but her argument is how can she be the best Mum to them if she is not happy......my response to that was well I will keep the kids! haha.....did not go down to well! I cannot keep her from seeing them she does love just as much as me if not more due to the fact that she birthed them. That is why I have to put a time frame on this and then if it does come for divorce put everything I have into fighting for them. They cannot be brought up moving houses like tennis balls.......I don't want to be a weekend father.


You are being played. Stop


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Rob1983 said:


> She is reluctant to put a time frame on things but we have agreed no seeing other people....she said she would respect the marriage and she has to much respect for herself to do that. She still wears her wedding rings so lets see


You realize the odds of her actually honoring this agreement are extremely low...


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I agree that if you have things wrong you need to work on them together while together , A separation is only buying time for the brake up , it takes two to make a marriage and often it takes 2 to brake it, and often it is long gone before the cheating starts and there is more ways to cheat than just having sex with someone , cheating is when I am talking about my wife to another or cheating is when I go looking for other women that turn me on can be on the internet or even sitting in my car at a shopping center , 
there are many ways to find help together once you stop working together your are looking a the big D 

IF your looking at divorce you need to do it in the honest way and not putting wrapping paper around it


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

Pay off debts. Save some cash. Work on a schedule that allows you to see the children and put it into writing. Try to figure out how much support you are going to have to provide and if you are going to stay in the marital home or not. Work on a post-divorce budget.

It is very likely that you are now Plan B. Whether she's done with the relationship and doesn't want to tell you or she's started another relationship and wants to see if it works out before officially ending the marriage is largely irrelevant. The end of my marriage was the former and not the latter (IE no OM until at least months after the separation) but at the end of the day she'll likely only come back reluctantly and leave at the first opportunity.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Please file for divorce. You can always stop it. This separation is not for your benefit, it’s for your wife. If she has left you with the kids to pay for, then get advice from a lawyer. This could help you in a custody battle. If she has them and has left you with them, it could ruin you in a custody battle. Don’t listen to us. See an attorney. If you don’t, you are not taking care of your kids as a father and risking losing them. A separation like this......... you have got to see it for what it is. Don’t wallow in fear or self pity. Take action and keep your ability to parent your children intact, even if you lose your wife who HAS made it clear by her actions that she does not want to be with you anymore, for whatever reason. There is no reason to talk to her about this. Talking accomplishes nothing in these situations, other than delay action which you need to take and give her time to screw you over, which she is sadly very likely to do whether it be in divorce or with another man.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Rob1983 said:


> Main argument is about not been a partnership she says I was not present.....I thought I was waking up at 5 going to work for 14hrs for my family I do and will do anything for them but guess I was not maybe there emotionally for her. Yes everyone including her family are all very confused about this whole situation. She has refused to go to a meeting with her family to discuss this. so yes for the moment I think just the space is what I will do,


That's NO reason for her to LEAVE you. Have you had discussions? Did she come to you with those reservations about you not being there emotionally? Has she tried to work through this with you before moving out? If NO then her moving out will NOT improve this.
If she is separating, have you had discussions about NO OTHER partners while separated? She started a new job -- maybe someone there has caught her eye and she thinks this is an easy way to be with them and put YOU on hold.

ETA: I see that she verbally agreed to not seeing others. I would suggest you have a FORMAL separation agreement drawn up -- because if you do not, YOU may be liable for any debts she racks up while living alone. Not sure how that works in your country but you should make sure of it.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

There are things to do before filing for divorce that may help protect your ASSets.

I suggest you start looking into what you need to do.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

OP is clueless joe. Another man but doesn't want to 'hurt' you.


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## armycat26 (May 12, 2019)

Rob1983 said:


> I disagree not all cases are the same and I have to give my marriage time. Although this is hard I have to give her the space she is needing to decide what she wants. Who knows maybe we will come back stronger but I am preparing for the worst. There is no other man involved (that I know of) but if there is that would end it immediately for me.


so far it sounds like your head screwed on tight what bothers me is her leaving the kids with you she gets all the space in the world and if I get you correctly she doesn’t want to do joint counseling along with the fact that she won’t talk to her family all of these things are very very strange


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## naskurol (May 31, 2021)

Rob1983 said:


> Good Morning All,
> 
> I am new here and today my wife is moving out after 7 years of marriage. We have two children aged 3 and 1. She says she just needs space to think about things and it is not a divorce at the moment. I do not want this I love her with all my heart. There is no physical or mental abuse, and neither of us have cheated. The last year has been difficult as for so many others. Her business closed due to Covid, I had a 20% paycut and we had to move in with her Father. I was working 14hrs a day and she says she does not feel like she was a priority in my life.
> 
> ...


Shes having an affair, needing space is her way of having that freedom. Keep your eyes open brother!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

This thread is getting good, lol.....


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## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

I suspect she is cheating. My ex-wife kicked me out to have space and time to cheat. As soon as I moved out "temporarily" she told our 6 year old that he would have a step-dad and introduced him. We then got divorced and she married him. Just 2 months earlier she told people how incredibly happy she was. She just got those feelings for another guy. "It just happened"; their feelings can change on a dime. If she now earns more money than you that's also a trigger for break-ups. The reason I suspect she is cheating is she's moved out to a rental nearby so she can be single. She's left the kids with you which is rare, the advantage being privacy and time, and it won't put Chad off (other people's kids are a bit of a turn off).

When my parents broke up my father was having an affair with our next door neighbour's wife. She moved out to a place on her own in a rental not too far from my dad's house and saw her kids every second weekend. My mum moved to her parent's house with us kids in tow and looked after us while having to work full-time. My father and the neighbour's wife eventually moved in together, divorced their ex-partners and got married. Many years later they got divorced. My dad is tall, good looking, intelligent, fit, successful and their lives together rarely centred around their children but around what they liked to do. So I guess it gave them a lot more "me" time and control of their finances in a kid free environment (most of the time).

I think you need to do the 180. Make this about you and your transformation. She's going to go try and do whatever it is she's got planned.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> LOL! Do you feel better now?


I'm sure he does!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> LOL! Do you feel better now?
> 
> @lifeistooshort , will you set this #@$%!&* straight?


I'm not sure I won't lose some brain cells trying. You know us evil womenz.....

But I have observed that the ones making comments like this often didn't treat their wife very well, so they have to revert to "but vows! Honor! Loyalty!".

The vows to love and cherish their wife are conveniently forgotten.

I of course don't know the full story here....it would be helpful to know more about the marital dynamics. There's usually a lot more to the story.

I agree with @farsidejunky that it's important that OP know what he's dealing with regarding another guy or a waw.


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## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

@lifeistooshort that's a judgemental generalisation. No one really knows what happens behind closed doors in a relationship. They may be true romantics, old fashioned people who treated their partner like a queen only to be made her servant and looked down upon as worthless. The poster was just making a point that in duels and jousts knights made a code of conduct and then espoused it as right and proper for the masses however in reality people behave according to how they feel. Those feelings change over time.


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## TheLyonKyng (Jan 14, 2017)

Anytime a spouse takes the time to find another place to live, the issues are deeper than we think or want to think, It seems that she wants to pin all of the issues on you, but I can assure you... if you were not working and providing for your family, then that would be an issue that would take center stage. With all that is going on due to COVID, you were able to continue to work a job and provide. Her "checking out" in the way that she has is very concerning, and I am sure that there is a lot more to it than what she is telling you.

I hope that this can be resolved in a way that is healthy and good for your children. I personally know how this tears at your heart and soul. Maintain a healthy lifestyle and keep active. Do not just sit around and ruminate for too long over all of this. Your children need you now more than ever.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Rob1983 said:


> 'Thank you for been positive I agree that not everything is lost and if you believe in something enough it is worth fighting for.


I can feel your pain. This was me 10 years ago when my wife wanted 'space' and walked out, denied contact. She kept coming back and forth for 9 months. I didn't want to believe she was seeing another and aimed to resolve whatever issue that wasn't being communicated. I wanted to make things ok again, fix the problem, not give up on the relationship. She came back for good, we had counselling where we discovered she didn't communicate and we got back together. At counselling, I wanted to know if she had been unfaithful, as others on these types of forums told me that this was usual behaviour of an affair - she promised faithfully that she hadn't.

I was treading on eggshells for 5 years after she came back, wondering if I was acting ok, if I was being attentive enough, kind enough, nice enough. I worried each day for that long, if I would come home from work and find her gone again - a common occurrence during those 9 lonely dark months. After 5 years I decided I could trust her again fully and that she would stay.

Now it's been 10 years we have been back together and everything has been fine, a brilliant relationship. A little over 2 weeks ago she started acting a bit off. The way she kissed me wasn't right. That week it all changed and her behaviour of lies and deceit started again - exactly the same process as before. A few days later she was gone again, claiming to want a couple of days space. On the afternoon she was supposed to be coming home, she text me that she wasn't coming back and said she had feelings for somebody else. Her clothes are still here, everything is still here apart from important paperwork. 19 years of relationship, 11 years of marriage, gone in a blink of a text message - a text message after all that time. No word of any issue did she mention at any time. No nagging, no nothing. Week 3 and her clothes are still here. Probably been building up a wardrobe of the months/years of planning she has been doing to leave. Waiting for the time to be right when they could both be together, I suspect. Acting as if everything is perfect between us, every - single - day.

I cast my mind back those 10 years as I once again witness the exact same behaviour (Walkaway Wife Syndrome) and with her admittance this time that she is with another, can now clearly see that that was also probably also true back then.

I too wanted to fix the relationship, I thought I had, I thought we had. But now it's gone again, she's gone. It is likely that it could be the same guy and it is likely that they have been seeing each other for all these years. Who knows.

She now wants a divorce.

Nothing I did. Nothing I didn't do, apart from I cannot work due to ill-health. It's the way she is. She left somebody straight for me and she left somebody for him. Her father is similar.

Just my experience and it's still raw and sorting out loads of stuff. I am deeply sorry for your pain. I wish you well.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Goobertron said:


> @lifeistooshort that's a judgemental generalisation. No one really knows what happens behind closed doors in a relationship. They may be true romantics, old fashioned people who treated their partner like a queen only to be made her servant and looked down upon as worthless. The poster was just making a point that in duels and jousts knights made a code of conduct and then espoused it as right and proper for the masses however in reality people behave according to how they feel. Those feelings change over time.


Speaking as a Moderator:

I am going to make one final comment on it, then the thread jack stops, in order to reinforce the rule set.

How honor came about is not in question. Espousing that women are incapable of honor is a ridiculous assertion, and will earn the person who posted it a well deserved ban.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## TheLyonKyng (Jan 14, 2017)

Smilieman said:


> Nothing I did. Nothing I didn't do, apart from I cannot work due to ill-health. It's the way she is. She left somebody straight for me and she left somebody for him. Her father is similar.
> 
> Just my experience and it's still raw and sorting out loads of stuff. I am deeply sorry for your pain. I wish you well.


That was heavy! That was really heavy. I sincerely am sorry for your pain as well. Sometimes, you can do all of the right things... do it correctly, and still lose out. There are so many of us who have this same type of story to tell, me included. I do hope that you are able to find resolution and that your health can improve.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

TheLyonKyng said:


> That was heavy! That was really heavy. I sincerely am sorry for your pain as well. Sometimes, you can do all of the right things... do it correctly, and still lose out. There are so many of us who have this same type of story to tell, me included. I do hope that you are able to find resolution and that your health can improve.


I didn't mean to be heavy, just how it is I suppose. I started a thread here myself a day or so ago and I can see the patterning a little clearer as I read other people's stories. I'm actually astounded how many women are leaving their husbands and the behaviours seem all so similar to my experience. I don't know why these women ever marry if they aren't intending to be faithful. Or, they are intending to be faithful but then when someone else comes along, they leave. Never live on their own - always one to the next, to the next. Where does this come from? Why is is so common? GIGS (Grass is Greener Syndrome)?
Cheers for your comment (didn't want to hijack the post!)


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If you keep reading, you’ll be astounded at how even the phrases people say are identical. It’s been said it’s “cheaterscript”, which is accurate. Human behavior is very predictable. 
I was told things my cheating wife would say. Like “it was never physical”. 
ilybinilwy....., All this stuff is crazy similar.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> If you keep reading, you’ll be astounded at how even the phrases people say are identical. It’s been said it’s “cheaterscript”, which is accurate. Human behavior is very predictable.
> I was told things my cheating wife would say. Like “it was never physical”.
> ilybinilwy....., All this stuff is crazy similar.


It's so strange. Women always want "Space" too. It's the sudden change of behaviour and their willingness to suddenly tell so many lies, straight to your face that astounds me. My wife said anything to give the illusion it was all going to be ok. That she'd be back after a couple of days. All to keep me placid enough to let her walk out the door.

I hope the guy that started this thread is alright.


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