# I need real advice. Here is my story.



## missconfused74 (May 22, 2014)

I have known my husband almost my entire life, dated from around the pre-k years. We have been best friends most of our lives although I did move away in high school. We reconnected in college and that is when we realized we had feelings for each other. We dated for about 6 months and decided to get married (please take in mind I was very young and thought I knew everything). We have been married just shy of 5 years and have no children. 

Prior to our marriage I was concerned with a few things and talked to him about them. I am a christian and he is an atheist. He said he would go to church with me and our children could be involved in church as well. I told him I am not into drinking a lot of alcohol or smoking and he agreed with me on that. 

Now that we are married he has only gone to church with me once and he went kicking and screaming. He chews tobacco (a can a day) and smokes daily (although he hid both from me until after we were married). He drinks heavily in my opinion (every day, some days its 6+ beers or 4+ mixed drinks). He doesn't know when to stop drinking or how to set limitations and he admits that, although he does not think there is a problem. 

We don't have anything in common. I am an environmentalist, very passionate about school, yoga and being physically active. He is really into working on cars, drinking and going offroading.. hes a "mans man" as he calls it. If I want to do anything I am interested in I have to do it alone, he is unwilling to budge on that.

We live out of state so I could take a job in my career field but he mentions often how he wants to return to our home state to be with his family. We both work. I work a full time job, a part time job and I go to school. My husband works one full time job. When I get off of work I do school work and I clean and cook. I also do this on my days off as well (which are few and far between, sometimes 3 weeks apart). My husband does nothing on his days off. He sits in a robe and drinks a beer and watches T.V. because he has "earned" his days off. We have struggled to budget our finances so we are currently living with family trying to get on our feet. His alcohol use causes issues with our living situation because he can be loud and disruptive.

I resent him, honestly I think I always have. I don't feel like I have a partner, it feels more like I am his mother. He always mentions this when we are fighting how I am like his mother. He doesn't help me with anything so I have assumed the mother role. I hate it. And I rebel by not picking up any of his stuff and it piles up all over the house, literally. His laundry is in piles on the floor even though he has a dresser and hangers, the dogs sleep on his clothes and he continues to wear them. He has no motivation and I don't have enough energy to be his motivator anymore. All of these things have piled up into us not having a sex life at all, we haven't for most of our marriage, and even when we we were dating. I'm really not very attracted to him.

Over the years we have done lots of counseling. He stopped going because he said it made him feel bad about himself. I kept going and each counselor told me to walk away from the marriage. My husband and I have lots of talks about what we are unhappy about and he says I can easily be more intimate with him but that he is unwilling to change who he is to make me happy. We talk about him helping out more in the house and it doesn't ever pan out. I am tired of having all the same conversations that don't go anywhere, I am spinning my wheels on these issues. 

We are great friends and get along pretty well but being in a relationship with him is near impossible. If we separate he will leave and that will be that. I just feel like I am putting off the inevitable.


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## justasconfused (May 22, 2014)

Hi. Your story is almost identical to mine. I have been with my husband for eight years, married almost 5 and no kids. I work hard and share similar interests to you, while he is a "*******" type guy. He works hard and has quit drinking, but he still spends all of our money on his toys, thinks he is the boss and tells me he is, expects me to cook/clean while he plays on his days off. I am seeing a counselor. I do not know what to do either. My counselor said I need "to be a friend to myself". When she said that I tried to imagine a friend telling me my story but as though it were about them, what advice would I give them? So I think I would tell you to write down three things: your fears, your wants, and what the reality is and compare the wants and realities and work through your fears. What advice would you give me, hearing my story? HOpe that helps, I understand that pain and anxiety you might be going through as I am constantly wondering what I should do.

I thought him quitting drinking would solve our problems, but there was more to it, we aren't similar.


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## missconfused74 (May 22, 2014)

My counselors also gave the advice to look at this as if I were my friend. I would tell my friend to get the heck out of this relationship but it is easier to say that when emotions are not involved. I am going to write this list. I have one partially done in my head but I need to put it down on paper. How long have you been feeling this way? 

How does someone know when it is time to rip off the band aid?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So why are you with him?

You could try working through "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay". But I suspect the $10 is better spent on lunch...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## missconfused74 (May 22, 2014)

He has been my friend almost my whole life, I don't know how to walk away from him.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

missconfused74 said:


> He has been my friend almost my whole life, I don't know how to walk away from him.


No offense, but that's about the weakest excuse I've seen in here for staying with someone. So split up and be friends. If he doesn't want to do that, then I guess you weren't that good of friends. In general, he seems to be much more important to you than you are to him...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justasconfused (May 22, 2014)

I understand its easier to give advice than to take it. I don't know when enough is enough, but it is important that you feel happy and fulfilled in your life, if your marriage makes that impossible, then it is wrong to stay, if you feel your marriage will always present this barrier then it is wrong. My hesitation is the hope that he will change, improve eventually, but then the flip side is I will fell guilty and maybe he will be bitter and are we both sacrificing too much?


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## justasconfused (May 22, 2014)

I understand where she is coming from, my husband has been most of my life since high school its hard to know anything separate from them.


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## justasconfused (May 22, 2014)

I have questioned the potential for a future in our relationship for a few years...

you?


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## missconfused74 (May 22, 2014)

Pbear there is obviously a lot more to it. I love him a lot and he is my best friend and I don't know how to walk away without hurting him. I don't want to hurt him. Our families are also extremely intertwined, our parents are friends and siblings are friends. 

But you may be right on your last sentence. What makes you think that? I am just wondering.


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## missconfused74 (May 22, 2014)

Justasconfused

I have been wondering this for a few years as well, wondering if it would get better. In some ways it has but in most it has not. Same issues, same fights. I just want to be happy. I don't think he will ever be the person I need and I don't think I will ever be able to be the stay at home cooking/cleaning/having babies wife that he wants.


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## justasconfused (May 22, 2014)

exactly. And I do not want to hurt him. We own two houses together, and vehicles and our families are intertwined. Its not as easy as walk away. My counselor did say today, if he were as unhappy as you, do you think he would stay? No I do not, he is lucky, despite my unhappiness I continue to give. Counselor also said its more painful being with someone when you do not match and do not get what you want/need out of it, its a long term pain versus a temporary pain of walking away. Still all the advice doesn't help much does it? I do not know how to make this decision, or take action. I do not want to get to a point where I am miserable and bitter and ruined. I know that our relationship is not conducive to raising a family. I feel stuck in one spot. Something will have to change.


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## missconfused74 (May 22, 2014)

Justasconfused, the more we talk the more I realize how similar our situations are. If my husband was as unhappy as me he would have walked away I think. I haven't thought of the long term pain vs temp pain. Makes sense and is a new perspective, thanks for that. Agreed, something has to change.. and from what my husband said it isn't going to be him.


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## missconfused74 (May 22, 2014)

Additionally:

I am a grown woman, and I was when I got married as well, I wasn't a teenager or a child bride. But I thought I knew everything and I didn't. I have grown as a person and I am very different than I was at 21. My husband is also very different than he was at 21 as well. The problem is not that we are different people, but that we didn't change and grow together or in the same direction. We are two people who live separate lives and happen to live together, sometimes almost like a best friend or roommate situation. I don't know how to change this and after so many years of trying to make the situation better.. I am not sure I want to try anymore. We have talked about divorce but he says the only way he is leaving is if I serve him with papers.


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

missconfused74 said:


> We have talked about divorce but he says the only way he is leaving is if I serve him with papers.


Not sure what you are waiting for, file for divorce. You are way too incompatible with this man.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

I work with guys like your husband and I know how they are. They are stubborn and prideful but completely loyal. They think that they know all that they need to know and don't tell them different. Unfortunately you have gone to school and expanded your mind while it sounds like your husband has stuck behind in the same way of thinking. Combine that with his pride and it will be difficult for him to see any problem with himself. 

Relationships are all about compromise, especially marriage. Not having the ability to work through problems and develop solutions is a sure fire way to build resentment. As you have discovered. One person cannot make a marriage on their own no matter how hard they try. It is a two person effort. That is one of the reasons I married was to have the comfort of knowing my SO would be there for me and support me.

At this point, a web forum can give you all kinds of advice. I would use that list you made from an earlier post and think about it. Where do you want to be in the future? Does that include your husband? Ultimately you need to make the decision of what is right for you. 

You have know each other a long time. If you should decide to end your marriage, there is no way it will not hurt. There really is no way to make it hurt less. The only hope is that your family could understand why you would want a divorce and support your decision. 

Think long and hard about your decision . I would not wish divorce on anyone, but I can say that now being a few years down the road I am a much happier person.


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## pakmenu (May 24, 2014)

Just plan to stay friends? I know many people divorced who are still best of friends. To me reading a lot of marriage problems and also my own situation is heading that way: i think it's heading for divorce. Especially not having sex anymore: a dead givaway: as it is and should really be the central pillar of a marriage. (ok including intimacy and care for eachother etc) read the christian book "the act of marriage" it also gives some tips for the kegel excersize... 

But not being attracted to him, his failure to change or contribute that is number two of a thing that indicates a lot, and tells me it's better to leave. 

For me it's hard, i made a promise: never to leave her... and in chinese culture it's kind of 'normal' to have affairs. But I chose badly, the woman i have an affair with is also emotionally manipulating (i am too, but am aware of most of it). Now i'm probably going to leave my affair, and continue in a life with my wife knowing i'll probably never have much joy in bed, but i knew that in advance and it's not the most important thing in my life. Yet important enough for me to have prayed to God that i once experience joy in making love before i die. Now I did. God told me when i was on my knees that's it's ok, just don't do it anymore. But it has been really hard to leave her.

I think you should have an honest talk with him about what atrracts you and what attracts him. the things that turn you on, and have a look if any of them fantasies might be possible to arrange. On the other hand.... nah... I understand your christian: so you shouldn't do anything you don't stand for. The bible says only unfaithfullness and probably abuse are reasons to leave, and ofcourse that you are sinning by dispising him. As for me, i'm almost ready to give up being a christian, but you could ofcourse try the biblical way, be submissive, but also push him or explain to him, he need to pick up his risponsabilities. but for him to pick them up, you FIRST need to drop them out of your hand, get my drigft? 
good luck! don't stay unhappy, PS: you could also count your blessings and maybe just change your view that actually you not have it so bad? just a thought.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

The long term prospects of satisfaction and mutual respect are poor. 

Why don't you 180 in preparation to divorce? If he should begin to change, you might fix your marriage. His drinking and smoking ought to deal breakers. How can you stand kissing stale tobacco breath?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

The ones that caught my attention are his drinking, not considering you, and he breaks his promises. He told you that he would go to church before marriage but does not. He promised that your children would go to church; will he break that promises also?

Your resentment will be very detrimental to you. Please do not have children until you settle these issues one way or the other.


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