# Newly separated....mixed emotions



## ankrkp1 (Sep 7, 2011)

So I ended up sitting down with my husband 2 sundays ago and told him how sad and unhappy I am. His immediate reaction was what's the point of separation, let's get a divorce and he then asked me if I had been seeing someone else (which I'm not nor would ever). We chatted cordially for about a half hour. He went to his friends' for the night and I moved out the following day. 

I'll try to make a long story short (yeah right ! ), but we have been married for 2.5 years and together for 7.5 yrs. We got married in our older 20s. We have always enjoyed going out and drinking some beers. Actually I'm quite ashamed of my past behaviors and have decided shortly before we got married that it's time for me to grow up and live my life happily. I had been dealing with my father's alcoholism for 10 years (he quit right after I got married) and it has had more of an impact on me than I had realized. I've been seeing and IC since Feb. My husband and I tried MC but I don't think either of us were being honest about what we "really" wanted. I've gone to al-anon a few times and have joined some email groups but have yet to really catch onto it. 

My husband has always been an avid beer fan. He has gone through phases in our relationship where he drinks more than other times. He isn't one to drink on a nightly basis, but when he drinks, he binges, which too me can be an even more dangerous thing. Almost a year ago he got himself into trouble/hospitalized with too much booze and rec drug use. Needless to say he will not be using drugs anymore but beers are a different story. I used to try to convince him to go get help, now I just tell him that I'm really worried about his drinking/behavior. I get anxious when he is out late, doesn't call or text, and I have no idea where he is. Then if I wake up the next morning and he isn't home without any communication, my anxiety skyrockets. This happens about 2-3 times a month, sometimes more, sometimes less.

I have been working with my IC on ways to calm my anxiety, ways to be a more assertive person, ways to verbalize my needs and my opinions without worrying about what people think about me, including my husband. I feel really good with the progress I have made with her help and advice. Unfortunately this new found communication has not always gone over well with my husband. For example he came home drunk at 3 am and did something inappropriate. I told him to come inside and guided him to the couch. The next morning I verbalized to him calmly that I felt what he did (not the drinking) was inapprorpiate and that I never want to see that happen again. He yelled directly back at me. His excuse for the yelling is that it has been 8 months of us butting heads and he is in "defense mode". I ended up leaving and going to work flustered. 

It's been month after month of a roller coaster ride of virtual unhappiness. I ended up going away with some friends of mine that I hardly get to see. I had a great time and it was great not having to worry about my husband. When my friend dropped me off at the airport, I nearly cried. I was so sad and didn't want to come home. I didn't want to deal with my marriage anymore. I've tried and tried and tried and he says he doesnt understand me. I felt like me ineer strength and soul was at the point of saying "uncle" and i give up. So a couple of weeks I decided that separation for me was what I needed to take care of myself and get my life and happiness back or at least on the road to getting it back. 

So we had been separated for a week and I invited him out to dinner to talk. It was a cordial conversation and we both were upfront and honest. We came to the conclusion that I want him to give up drinking and he wants me to give him more freedom. We had tried with MC to have him communicate better with me when he goes out but that is very inconsistent. We met again this past week and we fought the entire time. He blames his recent drinking behaviors on the fact that we are having a difficult time in our marriage nevermind that he makes the choice to drink. He says his drinking would be different if I went out with him (no way!) and if things were happy between me and him. He said he wants to compromise: he wants to be able to drink and go out with his buddies. Kicker is, is that I never limit his ability to go out with his friends. I will give a cold shoulder sometimes if he does inappropriate immature things and depending on the severity this cold shoulder thing can last from a day to a few. I know it's not the best, but it's how I feel. It's hard to tell him that his inappropriate behavior is directly linked to his drinking becasue he is super defensive.

So now here I am, at my parent's house. Thank god I get along well with them both. But it does stink because I'm an independent person who has a great job and great career. I am able to support myself by myself if it ends up going in that direction. I've been going through a whole host of emotions. Each day is different. There are times that I miss the physical intimacy of our relationship but to be honest I'm not missing him. There are other aspects of our relationship that drive me nuts too. He has a hard time #1 listening, #2 following through on things he says he is going to do, and #3 taking a suggestion from me. We can't seem to agree on where to vacation. We can't seem to agree on what project on our house to invest our money into next, etc. It's frustrating. 

At the end of the conversation at our meeting the other night I had to leave because he used vulgar language directed at me after I told him to grow up. He then called and told me that he misses me and he wants me to come home. I can't feasibly think of going home to the same situation when nothing has changed and we have both been miserable. Even if we attempt to wipe the slate clean and start over, there are still issues. And I'm not willing to compromise the bottom line (he stops drinking and I give him more freedom) because he already has freedom to do what he wants. And even with all my counseling, coping with a drinker is tough esp since I want to have children and a family and I don't want to start that with him now because of the drinking and irresponsibility (he will deny to death that he is not irresponsible with his drinking....that driving after having 4 beers in less than 2 hrs is okay). He wants me to move back in soon because he says his life is in limbo. Oh well, my life has been in limbo the past 8 months wonderin if i should separate from him. 

I know we are relatively new to this separation thing but I'm weighing the option of divorce. But I also want to try to use this time to better myself and maybe our relationship. I see my life without him and it does seem scary but exciting and new without having to worry about a loved one who doesn't want to help themselves. I just want to be happy and it's been a year of total unahppiness with my marriage. There are times whether or not I even love him anymore. He says things will change but I've heard that a gazillion times. There are times where I think I settled for this marriage and that this marriage possibly was a mistake. Advice, thoughts, anything would be appreciated.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Let me ask you this has there been any physical abuse? So how did you all make it through the first 5.5 years? The reason Im asking if you fell in love with him at some point hes is still the same person you fell in love with. 2.5 years of marriage you all are just getting your feet wet and I would continue with counseling etc for a while before throwing in the towel. Especially if you are having second thoughts and there has been no affairs on either part. I might not be the right one to answer this but I believe strongly in the Vows unless there is abuse or affairs or something.


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## ankrkp1 (Sep 7, 2011)

We made it through the first 5 years by me staying quiet, not voicing my opinion, letting him have his way. I didn't have a lot of confidence in the fact that my feelings and opinions matter. He would do something like the night of his bachelor party he somehow ended up driving him and his friend to a hotel. His best man didn't even know where he was the next morning when I called to find out where/how he was. I got really angry at him. He tells me that I'm overreacting and I'm somehow apologizing to him versus him apologizing to me. Makes total sense right?

No abuse, just manipulation at times. There have been a couple of instances where he has been so angry and in my face that I had felt threatened and scared.


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## ankrkp1 (Sep 7, 2011)

Oh and no affairs that I know of. I fell in love with him as I saw a man who was a great person, smart and talented and had a bright future. But this is the problem....he is that same person i met almost 8 years ago. he hasn't grown up.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Ok that's a big plus. So underneath all this he is still a great person, talented and has a bright future. So you all are in your early 30's? How often is he trying to go hang out with his buddies? Honestly I think you all have some problems that can be fixed but it will just take time. 

Now the angry issues and being in your face need to be dealt with. Does this happen often?


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## ankrkp1 (Sep 7, 2011)

Yes we are early 30s. He hangs out with his buddies when he wants 1-2 times per week. The in my face angry behavior has happened 3 times in the last 6 months.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Well when he is out with his buddies does he come home at a respectable time or is he out real late? As far as the angry behavior is he intoxicated when he does that?


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## ankrkp1 (Sep 7, 2011)

he is out late and either comes home drunk or doesnt come home at all. angry behavior has occurred when he has been sober


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Well he definitely needs to work on the anger issues that are starting to occur now but that is something you already know. Honestly I think you both should attend some IC and MC but that is just my opinion. As said I'm not one to advocate leaving a marriage especially with you all being new to marriage and the problems are fixable.


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## ankrkp1 (Sep 7, 2011)

So what problems do you see as "fixable" (besides communication issues) cuz it's certainly isnt the beers. He isn't going to stop drinking. I am going to IC. We were going to MC but it wasnt helping. He kept asking when we would be done with it.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Honestly the anger issues can be fixed and so can the hanging out. The beer I think can be fixed but it might take some professional help. My dad was a alcoholic and he quit drinking so it can be done! I commend you on doing the IC and trying the MC. How long did you all go to MC? Also does he try to make up reasons for why he drinks so much? You said you all werent being honest about what you wanted in MC is there a reason why? Both MC and IC will only work if you allow yourself to be truthful and open up.


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## ankrkp1 (Sep 7, 2011)

he blames his drinking on our relationship and our relationship's problems and unhappiness. i'm not sure i was being honest in MC. i know i cannot control his drinking so i tried to find some other strategies to use to cope with his drinking while being healthy for myself. we came up with him being a better communicator in MC esp when he goes out of state with his friends for weekend long drinking parties, but he isnt a good communicator and i really do know that he needs to get sober because it affects every aspect of his life including out marriage....we went to MC for 2-3 months.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

So he is using the relationship as the scape goat for his drinking. Are his friends single or are they married also? Sounds like both of you could work on the communication end a little more. You both need to let each other know what you want and expect out of the marriage. I dont remember seeing exactly how long you two have been separated right now. I will say this that with you being gone and him wanting you home you do have some power right now. Now if he was blowing you off and not worrying about you being gone then I would be worried but it is obvious of his feelings for you. I would make clear what you want him to do and then understand what he is asking and then work on a compromise both of you can live with. Does he still do any type of drugs? I would also try and talk him into seeking some IC for himself.


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## ankrkp1 (Sep 7, 2011)

Most of his friends from our hometown are married and most from out of state are single. Yes I know he still has feelings for me. I have made it crystal clear that his drinking is getting in the way of him behaving like a mature appropriate adult and being hung over for 2-3 days at a time limits his ability to participate in activities as well as standard chores. I have no problem with him going out with his friends 1-2 nights per week but his behavior isnt tolerable. It's so frustrating to see. no drugs that i know of. I can't talk this guy into anything. He did try an IC because our MC suggested it to him. He said all they did was chat and theere is nothing for him to work on. He may go back again because I mentioned it the other night. who knows though......


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

I really hate that you are going through this but as said I think you all can sort this thing out but he is going to have to give in on some things and the drinking is clearly one of them and something you need to stand firm on! That is good that most of his friends around there are married. I dont know how often he goes out of town for these weekend drinking marathons but if it is often I would definitely throw it in there to limit that activity also. We men are stubborn on things and sometimes we need a reality check. You two dont have any children correct?


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## ankrkp1 (Sep 7, 2011)

No kids which is killing me too because I really want them but realize that if our relationship sucks the way it is right now then having kids is not a good idea. As well as the fact that having kids grow up with a functionally alcoholic father is not okay either. I have stood my ground on the drinking. He has made it clear to me that he doesnt have a problem and that he will not quit. I feel like im wasting my time and my life. His stubborness is out of control. He wants everything his way. He is the same man i met nearly 8 years ago and im growing up ....we are going in two separate directions. i want and expect more out of myself and my marriage but the marraige is just worsening.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Sorry it took so long for me to respond had to take care of something. I agree right now is not a good idea to be bringing a child into the picture. I can see where you two might be going in separate directions right now. Is there a age gap between you two and if so by how much? One thing to remember is that sometimes it takes us a little bit longer to mature and catch up to you women . Stubbornness is unfortunately a bad side to us in alot of cases. That is good that you are standing your ground. I would continue to stand that ground while you are separated and let him know this decision rest on him if he is not willing to change you are willing to stay away. Dont bring up the D word though. And at this point stay in contact with him and try and work through this. You two are both young and Im telling you I think you two could have a bright future together if you can make it through this hump. Take it one day at a time and hopefully he will see things a little more clearly. But keep your head up and make sure you keep the problems between you and him right now. But I will say this sometimes a separation can open up worms that dont need to be opened because it leaves a space for someone else to fill so make sure that does not happen in either of your cases.


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## ankrkp1 (Sep 7, 2011)

He is 32 and I'm 30....I will continue to stand my ground.....but how long do I continue? There may come a time when I can't wait around any longer...and I think it sucks that I moved out because he refused and I still have to pay my half of the mortgage
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ankrkp1 (Sep 7, 2011)

So my husband and I are now talking tonight through texting. He wants to limit his beers to going out once per month having as much as he wants as long as he is safe and communicates with me and other than that he said he will limit himself to 3 drinks. My probelm with this is I don't think this will happen because he tried this a few months ago and failed miserably and again blamed the status of our relationship as to why he drank over his set limits. He thinks we both have to give a little or call it a day. He said that I am so important in his life. 

This is so frustrating! I'm feeling kind of vulnerable right now because I had to go to a wedding this weekend alone (well I had some of my friends there). Of course I missed having the companionship of my husband there but I'm not so sure if I'm actually missing him. I'm being wishy washy right now. On one hand it's like lets give it another try but on the other hand it's like I think he is trying to get me back home but virtually nothing has gotten solved or has changed. I would have no problem with wiping the slate clean but I feel as though I'm settling on his drinking issue again. And I don't want to have a contract to limit his drinking because there are many months where he goes out and has more than just one night a month of a drinking binge. 

Opinions? Advice? Am I being too tough? My heart says maybe my gut says, no way.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Well I will say that this is progress. My opinion is that you do need to both give a little. I think if he could hold to that once a month then that would be good as long as he has a safe way home. I know other people that have left for a couple weeks and it made the other person completely change so this is possible that he is realizing what he is losing. If a person goes out once a month and gets drunk I dont think that makes him or her have a drinking problem. But at the same time you know what you can accept but dont be to strict as to push him away when he is clearly willing to compromise.


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

ank,

If I may say...don't sell yourself short on this...you have said your
peace about drinking and he has made his choice....Its a no brainer to quit...Especially with your family history ...he should be very observant of how drinking has affected your entire life and not want to add to that.... A long time ago my wife and I had a similar stretch when I was partying a little to hard...it was affecting us...she told me how it was affecting her and I dodged and blamed yada yada yada...then I realized one day that I was going to lose the one thing that I wanted more than anything because of booze...nope that was going to happen...haven't touched a drop since that day...

If you want to be married to someone that doesn't drink than that is what you should have in your life....That is something I would not settle on...If you are so important.... he will do whatever it takes to make it work....


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## ankrkp1 (Sep 7, 2011)

Thanks for the comments.....

Lostoutthere-The thing that bothers me about giving in is that I have in the past to a very similar request and it failed miserably and he blamed me and the status of our relationship for it. Things maybe good for a short time but things will end up back in the same patterns and behaviors. If there was a way I could believe him, I don't think I would be so stubborn.

forever_learning- congrats to you on your sobriety. i'm hoping for the same in my situation someday. the fact that my husband has refused to give up drinking and has defended himself all this time is frustrating. Not only do I feel as though he is choosing booze over me but he has defended his position so hard that i don't think he is ready to realize or admit that this is more than just a problem. It's not only the actual drinking, it's the irresponsible behaviors. I have asked him in the past to go get help but he isnt even at the stage of admitting there is a problem. He may or may not be an actual alcoholic but he is definitely a problem drinker and all signs point to his behaviors getting worse. I don't want to raise a family in this type of environment. I wish I had realized these things in the past about what I wanted. I was dealing with my dad's alcoholism for the 5 years that I was dating my husband. And my drinking at the time although was fun with my husband I believe I used as an avoidance strategy of how I was feeling about my dad. I've told my husband that and he doesn't think that is the case; that we were just having fun. Well, times change and about 3 years ago I have considerably changed my social behaviors. The bar scene is not what i want to be around anymore. I will go with him and maybe have a drink but once it starts getting late I tell him I'm going home and he 90% of the time will want to stay out. An occasional bar-b que or family gathering and that is it without those nights drinking and partying til 3 am. I just don't find that fun anymore, nor the feeling the next 2 days. I can't even recall the last time my husband was the DD. 

Anyways, i think I'm going to stick to my guns and my gut feelings. I really don't see how bargaining his drinking will help. I agree that this maybe a move in the right direction but at the same time I don't want to just settle. I don't understand what the big deal is about giving up alcohol, but then again I don't think he is ready to realize that it's a problem for him as it hasn't affected anything in his life except for me (and his parents who don't talk to him about it, they had a few incidences in the past where they had to bail him out). 

So I guess I'm going to keep waiting, but how much longer do I wait? He may never give up boozing. He may just keep giving me false promises.


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## loveiswhereiamnot (Jul 8, 2011)

I think if drinking is a deal-breaker for you, you should stick to that. Bargaining is a control thing, and you will get the blame whenever he wants to drink more than 1x per month and feels like you're the one holding him back from doing what he wants.

I hope you can save your marriage, but I think caving on an issue that is important to you and obviously has long-term effects on you, your H and any future children would wind up with resentment for everyone. He has to quit because he wants to, and you don't know when/if he'll be ready to do that.

I grew up with an functional alcoholic too, and it changes everything about who you are. I raised two sons who have the same genes/inherent personality traits that lean to alcoholism, but they didn't live with an alcoholic, and at 25 and 21, they seem to have escaped it. At this point, I believe it's because they didn't have that daily influence of a drinker that made it "okay."

Best wishes, I hope it all works out. He sounds like a good man.


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## ankrkp1 (Sep 7, 2011)

Thanks, he is..... that's why I've fought so hard over this. He would be so much happier with himself if he just quit.


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## lht285 (Aug 25, 2011)

Here is my advice about breaking habits. Your husband likes having a regular activity with you of going out drinking. You no longer can do this activity so it is time for you as a couple to find some new activities to take it's place. Instead think about going out to the movies or dinner. Pick some of your mutual couples that can also go out and have non drinking fun. Also instead of surrounding yourselves with negative activities together you should start taking morning or evening walks together. Or join a gym together. Start coming up with things you two can do without alcohol and see if you enjoy each other in this environment. You can see at that point if you can have a positive future together. Take some small steps towards this and get the bar scene out of your habits, and bring your friends along with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ankrkp1 (Sep 7, 2011)

I have tried the non-drinking activities (movies, dinner, bowling). I have invited him to events that I have with some of my work friends that are active and non-alcoholic but he doesn't come. We don't have mutual couples here that don't drink or go out without drinking. All of his friends here do and my good friends are not local. Although we do enjoy each other's company there's this tension in the background. Even when we go out to dinner he will wait for me to order my drink first to see if I will have a beer or wine. Only then will he have a drink. Which is whatever. Lately when he is around me and i may have a drink and he may have 3 or 8 depending on whatever the situation is to him. We used to go to the gym together all the time and do our grocery shopping. He has since stopped that over the past 4-5 years. He says he doesn't like going to the gym. And it makes no sense to both do the shopping.

I guess all I know is yes I cannot handle his drinking. It's too impulsive, random, and gets out of control. If I just settle to him bargaining his drinking and go back with him, I need to prepare myself mentally because I don't want to give it just another "one more shot" to have it fail. I'm trying to take care of myself and learn more about myself and what I want/need prior to making any moves back to being with him. I'm tring to educate myself more on alcoholism and it's effects and it can be a very scary disease/problem.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Your situation sort of sounds like mine - only more extreme, and I was left. 

Husband recently on meds for his anxiety - now goes out all the time with work friends - out til all hours and getting hammered - it's as if he wants to be 21 again....an earlier than mid life crisis as I've begun to call it. 

I, too, have also given my husband a lot of freedom, trust hasn't been an issue, and likewise on my end - but it makes me sad that the time doesn't want to be spent with me. Do\Did you feel that way also?


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

It sounds like you have tried everything that you can, and he refuses to cut back or stop his drinking or work on the marriage.

What would make him want to change? Is there a friend or relative that could talk to him about what he is doing? He sounds rather rebellious, and all your discussions are only making him more determined to stick with his self-destructive path. So sad.

If he continues this way, I would divorce him and find someone that you can build a life with. I hate divorce, but I can't see anything that will get him to change.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I had one more thought. Can you go out with girl friends, start a new hobby, do things without him to let him see what he will be missing? Something has to shake him out of his attitude that is it OK to drink that much.


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

I have a problem with alcohol dependancy. I don't know if I inherited it or developed it. In any event it took over my life for a period of years and contributed to the end of my marriage. I've been sober for 3 1/2 years now but I too was a highly functional drunk years ago. Holding down a job, taking care of twin toddlers, maintaining a household- I could do it all, even when intoxicated. What I failed to do was nurture my marriage. Instead I numbed all my emotional pain with booze and neglected my wife until she couldn't take it anymore. She ended up having a long term affair after confiding with an ex boyfriend about our marital problems. I filed for divorce in Aug because she was never able to overcome the damage I did to her and continued the affair despite extraordinary changes from me. 

I only wish she had chosen a positive, moral solution to our problems instead of adultery. If only she had packed up our kids and left me for awhile or even filed for D- I think that would have been enough to shake me out of my fog. I guess my point is be strong, stand your ground and don't comprimise or negotiate about how much he drinks. He is exhibiting destructive behavior and a strong dependancy on alcohol. Reading about your situation, I think he needs a very strong wake up call. One that will make him think about what he has and what he will loose if he doesn't get some help and change his behaviors. I wish you only the best outcome possible and my prayers will be with you.


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## ankrkp1 (Sep 7, 2011)

JennaLynne: I do feel sad that he doesn't seem to want to spend time with me at times, although he may contribute that to our problems. Recently when we were at home he came home with 2 pints of high alcoholic content beers and they were gone in less than 2 hours. During that time he was calling up his pals to "go have a few beers." However no one answered, then at 9:00 at night he asked me to go bowling. I felt like I came in third to his drinking and to his buddies, but that's his choice.

Lovesherman: I have started a new hobby this summer, one that I have really enjoyed. Doesn't seem to phase him. It was weird when we had the talk about separation he was determined to get a quick divorce as he wasn't sure about the point of separation and he pulled out another empty threat that if separation is the way I want to go then it would take a lot for him to forgive me. Lately he has been saying his life is in limbo and that if I don't figure this out then he will call it quits. He hasn't stuck to any of his threats yet so I'm not too worried just yet. But I thought separation would have shook him but it apparently has not. He has also had family with alcohol problems but he seems to think he is different. I told him to go talk to his family but I doubt he has.

maxter: congrats on your sobriety. I know when my dad became sober it just changed everything for the better. i had my dad back! Even though things didn't work out for your marriage, I'm sure your new way of life has got to make you feel pretty good. Thanks for sharing and your comments. I think the only big wake up call is to bring out the "D" word. But we will see. I'm not quite sure if I'm ready for that. I have to go talk things through with my counselor. Somehow she alsways has a way of gettting me to think through these things logically for me.


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