# I have a secret...



## justjivin (Jul 5, 2010)

Married for a year now, known each other for 8 years.

Here's my problem; I have a secret... Actually, I have several secrets, and they all pertain to the fact that my wife knows I have problems and she knows there are stories she hasn't heard before. What she doesn't know is just how bad my problems are. When I realized I wanted to marry her I looked for affordable counseling and couldn't find anything. So I married her, promising myself I would work these issues out someday. 
For some reason, being married has made all my secret issues 10 times worse, I've done stupid things behind her back and I did a million more stupid things before we got married. These things are honestly more stupid than terrible, but still terrible.

I am starting to think I will never be free of my dark side and that I snookerd a great person into marrying me. I feel like she deserves to know, but if I tell her the extent of my problems, she will probably leave me, if she doesn't then at least my marriage will no longer be good times, and she will constantly question everything and not trust me anymore. We cant afford counseling, so we will try to work it out and I don't know that we can. 

Just FYI, I am not cheating on my wife or spending money or doing anything that could one day ruin our lives. I just have secrets like anyone else, and its stuff that in certain circles wouldn't bother anyone, and in other circles would buy you a divorce. 

Do I tell her? Do I keep these severe issues bottled up until we can afford counseling? I am certain of at least this: I will work this stuff out some day and when I do, we will be happy together. I only wish I had worked it out before the marriage, but what do I do now?


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

you're lucky your wife hasn't found out on her own yet, and in all honesty..from my own personal experience, it is far worse when we find out via someone else.

Ask my husband, we can no longer even sit in the same room together the resentment is so bad. In all honesty, how can you trust someone who refuses to tell the truth?

I have done a few things I regretted, a few things I thought would upset my husband beyond any level I've upset him before, and I told him as soon as he walked through the door...you know what, it wasn't a problem and it never lingered.

if you feel like you snookered someone into marrying you, you need to come clean, because you're going to eat yourself up to the point of ruining your marriage before you can afford counseling.

believe me, thats where my marriage sits.

talk with her.


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## MrRomantic (Jun 14, 2010)

Dexter, is that you?


Kind of hard to say much without knowing the extent of your "problems."


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

And apparently the secret goes on.....at least it is a well kept one. But even well kept secrets are discovered at some point. Do damage control and tell your wife. It will be far better telling her, than her finding out on her own.


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## Robrobb (Jun 18, 2010)

I agree, I always feel better coming clean when I've done something or have an issue, than if I let it sit and fester. Working things out on your own or waiting for it to get better before you tell her sounds like an excuse. 

Plus, I suspect your best bet at "working it out" is with her trust and involvement anyhow.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If you aren't cheating or breaking laws, then what could be so awful? If you are breaking laws, is anyone else getting (or gotten) hurt--innocents, not co-conspirators (a child you abused, someone you injured while driving drunk)? 

Outside of infidelity and illegal behavior that harms others who are truly innocent, nothing is that bad. Maybe you've presented yourself as a God-fearing Christian but had group sex. Big deal--no one was hurt, you've learned the error of your ways, and God forgives. If your wife is so judgmental, that is HER problem. You are making it YOUR PROBLEM if you crave the "approval" of someone you KNOW won't approve of your behaviors. 

Better to face the realities and see what happens. Worst case scenario is you find out your wife isn't able to forgive and move on--and if that is the consequence of your errors, there is nothing to do but accept and learn. Hiding it isn't helping anyone and the longer it goes, the worse it will get.

DO NOT have kids while in this situation. Then you are knowingly dragging in innocents and you can damage lives that do not deserve damage. Be a man and be honest. 

As for "we can't afford counseling?" Lousy excuse. It's worth debt or asking for public assistance. Swallow your pride--as a real man would when pride stands in the way of doing the right thing. 

Good luck.


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## Robrobb (Jun 18, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> As for "we can't afford counseling?" Lousy excuse. It's worth debt or asking for public assistance. Swallow your pride--as a real man would when pride stands in the way of doing the right thing.
> 
> Good luck.


I agree with this wholeheartedly. I assumed that counseling for my wife and I would be expensive and not covered by our insurance, but it was important to me to give us that chance. I was ready to dump my retirement savings in order to pay for it. Fortunately it IS covered by our insurance, and I wouldn't have known it if I hadn't asked a marriage counselor about it....


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

reveal the secrets please.

Are you a secret ****? just a guess.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Without knowing exactly what the secrets are, or at least what category they fall into, it's hard to give you sound advice. But, I guess my best advice would be to come clean. Clearly these secrets are weighing heavily on you, and that's not going to help whatever problems you have. Not to mention, the longer you wait, the more likely it is that your wife will find out through another source. Then, you not only have to deal with the reaction to the secrets, but the reaction to the fact that you hid things, you deceived her, and she will feel betrayed. She may feel that way anyway, but it will be much worse if she finds out from someone else. 

At the same time, though, there are some things that don't necessarily need to be shared. If you did something before you met her, that has absolutely no bearing on your life now and never would, then why tell her? If my boyfriend had group sex (using the example someone else suggested) before we met, and has since been tested several times and knows he's clean, and has no interest in having group sex again, and won't sleep with anyone but me, do I *really* need to know about it? Maybe not. If I can handle knowing, if I'm secure enough in myself, in our relationship, in his love, if I'm openminded enough to not be disgusted or outraged or whatever, then sure, he should tell me, or could at least. But if I'm only going to freak out, get insecure and think he's a cheater, and worry that he's out looking for orgies every night, then why should he put that on me? That's kind of what you need to look at here. If it doesn't affect her at all, in any way, and it will only cause her unneeded heartache, then telling her may not be a good idea. If it could affect her, definitely tell her. 

Ok, my advice is probably very confusing tonight. Sorry. It's late.


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## justjivin (Jul 5, 2010)

ok, I don't know how me saying that we are too poor to afford counseling made me sound like I'm too proud to go to counseling but for those who say its worth spending the money on, for us its not so much spending the money on it as it would be giving up things, like putting gas in the car or having a home. If you know of a way to get quality counseling for no money (been to free counseling before, barf!), then give some helpful suggestions or links, don't go and attack my manhood by saying a "real man" would do it. 

As for the secret, no laws, no child abuse, no **** sex. Just personal stuff that came as a result of growing up with very weird rules in the house. 

And to say that my wife would be judgmental to not approve is really narrow-minded thinking. It isn't that she would just consider me evil and dump me, it isn't that I'm a bad person and she's good. It's simply that we're different and there is something about me she can't follow me into. I'm weird, she is not. As long as its a secret, I can just be weird on my own time, if its not a secret then she will know she's being left behind or I will have to stop it and I've tried and it doesn't last. 

We're so good for each other in every way except for this one thing.

As for those who are say telling her is the best solution- what you say makes sense. I will have to think about it.


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## Red_Riding_Hood (Apr 28, 2010)

I'm sorry to be repetative, but I just wanted to say you should definitely tell her. Nothing makes me more upset then my husband lying to me. I ALWAYS find out when he's lying and it's like a double wammy. I'm usually more hurt and upset over the fact that he hid something from me then whatever it was he actually did. Obviously you don't want to tell us what it is exactly that you're talking about, but maybe you could be a little more specific or narrow it down to some sort of category... It might help if you could talk about it with someone else first. No pressure, just a thought.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

If it 's not cheating, sex, porn, hom, pedi, gambling, drugs, alcohol, debt, then I don't see how bad it can be. If you a 100% certain it would end in divorce then don't say anything and continue to live with you secret.

I believe ALl people have secrets that our spouses don't know about and in many cases don't need to know about. We have thoughts, at time make mistakes, wants, and needs, they always do not fit perfectly in the realm of marriage.

Good luck!!


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## MrRomantic (Jun 14, 2010)

Why not share it on an annonymous public forum?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

you people are incurably curious, if the man wanted us all to know his secret he would tell us...










so what the hell is it?


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## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

I'm guessing he is really Spiderman...and has lost his secret powers. His wife no likey the spidey, with no secret powers.

:rofl:


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## Robrobb (Jun 18, 2010)

All:

It's not OUR secret, it's his.....and in a way, his spouse's secret. I personally feel that even the really icky secrets - maybe especially the really icky secrets - ought to be shared with your spouse. The act of sharing these things can be an act of love. Or tell her what you've told us, and put the question to her:

Do you want me to share this thing with you that really bothers me, and is in my past not so much relevant to our lives today, but that I feel might bring us to breaking up if you knew it? Rest assured it's not related to drugs, deviant or group sex, illegal activities of any kind or homosexuality.

Maybe if you're ready to share, let her make the call. Then you'll both take ownership of the secret, and can address it as partners.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

in all honesty, 

you can't say you have this huge secret, say its nothing like anything we've suggested and not expect curiosity. of course we want to know, everyone loves juicy details.

I'm thinking its probably something like paganism, occult related, satanism, paranormal, alien abductions..you know fun topics 

just joking by the way! 

still, its important to tell her, I tell my husband all my juicy details, I have one or two irrelevant secrets. They don't bother me, they don't cause a problem, and they aren't something that he would have a problem with, just some weird youth behavior that isn't serious, never was, and wouldn't hurt anyone or anything.

so if its something to the degree you say it is, you need to talk with her, if she love you, she'll find a way to accept it.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If you want to pick apart all the things people say, go right ahead. Either take the advice or leave it, but do not make excuses. All that does is says, "I want people to tell me it is ok to continue to lie to my wife." Not gonna happen. You either face up to the fact that you are too afraid to be honest with your wife--for whatever reason--and you accept that it will always be a barrier between you as you hide behind your excuses, or you stop making excuses, tell her, and let the chips fall where they may. Man up, dude. It's what everyone else is saying, too, but you are only choosing to address those who make suggestions you think you can counter. You aren't fooling anyone here. 

There is no possible "good" reason to hide things from your wife. None. THAT is what marriage means-total openness and honesty.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

sisters359 said:


> If you want to pick apart all the things people say, go right ahead. Either take the advice or leave it, but do not make excuses. All that does is says, "I want people to tell me it is ok to continue to lie to my wife." Not gonna happen. You either face up to the fact that you are too afraid to be honest with your wife--for whatever reason--and you accept that it will always be a barrier between you as you hide behind your excuses, or you stop making excuses, tell her, and let the chips fall where they may. Man up, dude. It's what everyone else is saying, too, but you are only choosing to address those who make suggestions you think you can counter. You aren't fooling anyone here.
> 
> There is no possible "good" reason to hide things from your wife. None. THAT is what marriage means-total openness and honesty.



BAM!!!!


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## dsfg_lover_001 (Jul 4, 2010)

Well I understand how you feel,but keep your secrets wont help your marriage.I think you should tell your wife that the problems you deal with,and if she really loves you,she will understand and help you.Speak out will help you relief and don`t afraid of your wife will leave you,otherwise your marriage still gonna have a lot of problems.Anyway hope this can help you,thanks for sharing.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

Let's see here, you grew up in a weird situation, whatever that is. As a result, there is some weirdness about you that you hide from your wife and continue to do by yourself. Whatever...

The bottom line is that you are living a lie. You have created a situation where your wife is living a lie, without even knowing she is. Apparently you feel that she wouldn't have married, or wouldn't stay with you if she knew this secret. That is so disrespectful to her on many levels. You are not giving her credit for being able to love you if she knew the secret. You are taking the choice away from her to decide if she can.


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