# Why do you guys make him out to be the biggest a**hole ???



## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

I've been on this board since September 2010 and wrote about the divorce issue with my ex-husband.

Besides that my posts never attracted many answers (I guess it wasn't special enough) my ex-husband always was totally bashed.....like he is the biggest jerk on the planet.....

There are people on here asking advice on their beating and cheating spouses and less than 50% of the spouses are being bashed like my ex.....

People think it's bad that they did what they did, but then they advice to do this and that so they will come out of the fog and being given another chance and such....

My ex-husband has never beat me, physically or emotionally abused me, and never (at least not physical) cheated on me.....

He has depression, PTSD (Iraq, Afghanistan, Somalia and being a police officer) and is a guy who values financial security (maybe a little too) highly.....

He's come to a point in life (midlife crisis) that triggered him to re-evaluate his life and he couldn't see himself being happy going on the way we were.....

Have you guys never made a decision based on emotions that you later regretted ????

He's learned in the Army that when you make a decision you follow through, even if it was not a good choice....you deal with the consequences....

He made the choice to divorce me thinking it was the best for him....

But after I showed him my changes he realized that his decision might have not been the best after all.....but now it was too late.....

How many people have reconciled even after the divorce because they realized they've made a mistake.....

Why could it not be the same for him ????

What makes him the a**hole ????

Who's to say that he didn't have a change of heart and is just a little apprehensive because he's the one who made the mistake and is too afraid to admit it and rather waiting for me to make the steps toward reconciliation (whereas I'm waiting for him to tell me he wants to try again).......

It makes me angry that everyone says he's a selfish jerk etc.......

He's always treated me fair and put up with all my flaws.....and I have lots of them and am working on them now.....he was always loving and dedicated to our marriage for 10 years !!!!!!

I am making changes that I for myself should have done years ago.....he didn't want me to change something that I didn't want to change myself......he's not trying to make me into something I'm not....

And no....he barely has flaws....petty ones....like leaving the toilet seat up and socks on the floor, and bottling up problems instead of talking about it.....but that's it.....

Sorry, but it bugs me soooooooooo bad that real a**holes are given the benefit of the doubt and guys that always been great men are not just because they've entered a down phase in their life and made not well thought out decisions......

I know you probably all just show me the finger now.....but.....I had to get it of my chest....

And it was pretty therapeutic.....Thanks !!!!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

rome2012 said:


> I've been on this board since September 2010 and wrote about the divorce issue with my ex-husband.
> 
> Besides that my posts never attracted many answers (I guess it wasn't special enough) my ex-husband always was totally bashed.....like he is the biggest jerk on the planet.....
> 
> ...


I think because it was the advice that was asked for. Not how do I get rid of this lying sack o' meal, but I have had the Wake Up Call... Personally I am not super on board with that. Not cheating is not just a matter of "fog: and woe is me you did not "meet my needs". It is a matter of character. I would not want to spend one second with someone who lacks character to such a degree as to engage in that kind of deception.

The impression I get from your posts is that YOU are lost in something of a fog, and need a caring and loving dope slap to realize your stbx (ex)? is a goober who is never going to treat you right. And people have availed you of that.

The other advice... I can honestly say I think it is largely misguided and stay out of it.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Well, I will never come out and call someone and a**hole. My philosophy is that it is the spouse who must come to that realization on their own. There again, life is all about perspective. One person's jerk is another person's gem. So, if you are content with how your husband has treated you, then why be concerned about how others perceive him?

You state that your husband has never emotionally abused you or cheated on you. Your posts are saying something different. I think many people form opinions based on those.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

> He made the choice to divorce me thinking it was the best for him....
> 
> But after I showed him my changes he realized that his decision might have not been the best after all.....but now it was too late.....
> 
> ...


To my mind, it's not whether or not he divorced you, or what his reasons may or may not have been. Whatever. People have a million reasons for doing what they do. Where I personally find the situation to be questionable is that not only did it appear that he used the divorce to manipulate you into the changes he wanted (for better or worse) but during the whole thing, he was also perfectly happy taking advantage of every benefit of marriage. 

So while he was _saying_ you don't make me happy, I can't possibly spend my life with you, blah blah blah....he was also perfectly fine with you keeping his house, the kids and warming his bed whenever he wanted it. Which he's still doing. 

It's the contrast between the words and the actions *AND* the fact that you work so hard to be exactly what he wants and put so much hope and meaning into every word and gesture that he makes that's so frustrating to watch. It's the fact that you seem to have given him absolute power over your life, your feelings and your future and I'd bet a gazillion bucks he knows it.

See, generally when people split up and can't afford to move apart, there is at least some other separation. Separate bedrooms, sleeping on the couch, something like that. Something more than just not taking the kids places at the same time. You guys never really did that and all it did was keep you hoping, and playing into whatever it was that you thought he wanted at any given time. And now you're actually, legally divorced and it's still going on. You act married, but you're divorced and he doesn't want anyone to know, while all along he keeps on implying to you that if you're just good enough, _maybe_ he'll marry you again. Still dangling the same old carrot, and you keep chasing it.

As much as you love and adore him, keep in mind that it really does look different from the outside. And remember too that he isn't the one we talk to, whose side we hear all the ups and downs of, so naturally we're just not as sympathetic to him. You're the person that we know and like--

Oh and one other point, then I promise I'll stop 



> Who's to say that he didn't have a change of heart and is just a little apprehensive because he's the one who made the mistake and is too afraid to admit it and rather waiting for me to make the steps toward reconciliation


Who's to say? No one. It's not real until *he* says it, and backs it up with some action. Thinking that's what's happening because you want it, or because he said something sometime or did something considerate one day or every once in a while will only frustrate you and make you crazy....


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

If you come to a public forum for advice, you get the good and the bad (or sometimes just get ignored).

I've generally found most people here even keeled. just don't take it personally.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I honestly don't know what you mean Rome. I went back and looked at the threads started by you, and I don't find people saying that at all. I saw where you said you needed to make changes and that he was struggling with depression, but no one made him out to be an a**hole. Did I miss something??


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## pirouline (Jan 23, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> To my mind, it's not whether or not he divorced you, or what his reasons may or may not have been. Whatever. People have a million reasons for doing what they do. Where I personally find the situation to be questionable is that not only did it appear that he used the divorce to manipulate you into the changes he wanted (for better or worse) but during the whole thing, he was also perfectly happy taking advantage of every benefit of marriage.
> 
> So while he was _saying_ you don't make me happy, I can't possibly spend my life with you, blah blah blah....he was also perfectly fine with you keeping his house, the kids and warming his bed whenever he wanted it. Which he's still doing.
> 
> ...




WOW! I need to consider this...my h and i are just seperated, he needs space and time to get himself together, and he told me i should do the same...just sucks that i don't know when anything solid will happen...but in the meantime, i am giving him space and time to reevaluate his life...i should be doing the same, but i miss him  i'm holding out hope that we can fix this...as soon as i figure out what i want to do with my life as well....

and to rome2012 good luck with everything...i'm going through seperation too and have no solid advice to give u


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I just spent an hour reading all your posts in your threads and others' and I fail to see what you're talking about. No one calls your ex any names; the worst they do is say he's stringing you along. 

Hon, he DIVORCED you. He likes the changes he sees, but he's not committing to you. People are (rightly so) telling you to protect yourself because you're divorced, and you could be out on your rear in a minute, should he so decide.

Does he love you? Probably. Is he planning a life with you? Who knows? But the issue I think most people have is that throughout all of this, you never were willing to say that he was responsible for anything; you took all the blame upon yourself, except for a short period when you thought he was cheating. Now, you're back to saying he's such a great guy.

Well, that's fine. No one is telling you not to love him. They are telling you to protect yourself because he has shown a pattern of doing things without telling you (for your own good, right?). That is all.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Wow.... :scratchhead: .....

One quick explanation....

Me....female.....one day before aunt flo.....meaning *super* sensitive.....totally overworked....dead tired....

My ex has been putting me through my own personal hell since since Labor Day weekend.....

I agree that it wasn't and isn't nice what he has done and is doing now.....

And as one stated you haven't talked to him.....you know what I tell you and that is exactly what happened......

But I just have to defend him here a bit.....

He has been this great guy for 10 years !!!!! 

He's got tons of friends who would catch a bullet for him, especially his 3 iraqi friends (brothers) who he risked his life for and spend lots of time and money to get them and their family out of the Baghdad hell.....

Some film students have made a small movie about him which will be shown in Cannes some time (don't know when yet).....

He's an honorable person who is fighting his own personal war right now (or at least since shortly before Labor Day)......

He hasn't been himself at all during that time and he's still not quite back to normal.....

I know you guys haven't called him names, but it is so frustrating to see that (repeated) cheating, beating spouses are being given the benefit of the doubt and maybe they will come around, but 95% of the answers that I get are about what an awful person he is and that makes me sad....

I wish he wouldn't have done what he has and I resent him for that, but I know the person he used to be and that is coming to surface now.....and you would all like him.....I'm sure....

I don't want to hope but it's terribly hard having him around me and being the way he is....fun and sweet.....

I am thinking....what if he realized he's made a mistake by finalizing it....what if he's too ashamed to make the steps towards reconciliation ??? 

And one more thing I've written in my other post.....I don't do anything for him ever since my college started.....I practically come home from work, eat, do homework, play with the kids and sleep.....

He's doing all the housework, taking care of the kids, paying all the bills....and we don't have sex anymore....

So he is not gaining anything.....I'm not playing maid.....I'm not playing babysitter....I'm not playing lover.....

Why is he doing it then ????

I don't want to hope, but it's hard not to.....

Sorry, for offending you guys.....

That's one of my biggest flaw....

When I love somebody (family or friends) and they are done wrong I will defend them like a tigress her cubs....and although he's not done right divorcing me....I believe he still deserves the benefit of the doubt.....

PS. The things I'm changing about myself are things that I needed to change PERIOD. Not because he wants me to, but because it's beneficial for me.....debt free is better, isn't it.....not working in the same dead end job all my life is better......losing weight instead of being morbidly obese is better.....


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Again, I don't see anyone calling him a bad person. I see them telling you that you shouldn't get your hopes us since he has consistently told you he wants a divorce. I see people telling you to protect yourself because at one point you were still meeting some of his needs and he still had no desire to commit back to you. That isn't calling him a bad person, that is telling you what his actions are showing. I have no doubt he is a great guy, there is no need to defend him, there hasn't been an attack. 

Do you have any reason to believe that he wants to get back together with you, or is it all wishful thinking at this point? I know you keep asking "what if he made a mistake and is too ashamed to reconcile. What if he isn't even on that same path? What if he mainly wants to help you get on your feet, keep a pleasant relationship for the kids sake because he IS a good guy??


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

DawnD said:


> What if he isn't even on that same path? What if he mainly wants to help you get on your feet, keep a pleasant relationship for the kids sake because he IS a good guy??


Well.....I won't know that until we reconcile or he moves on with somebody else.....unfortunately....

He could be doing it just because he's a good guy deep down.....IDK.....

What I don't understand is....why did he say (so sincere) "I LOVE YOU" (when the divorce was finalized) when before he said he doesn't love me anymore.....

I gave him the divorce and still remained friendly and nice.....why spark new hope in me when it's technically over ??? What for ???? He didn't have anything to fear anymore....it was a done deal and he didn't have to "play nice" to get what he wants (quick and friendly divorce)....

Do you know what I mean ????

Somewhere somebody wrote that it takes people around 6 or more months to accept changes in their partner and to believe they are permanent.....it's not been 6 months quite yet.....

I guess it doesn't matter anyway....I can't do anything about it now....or can I 

:scratchhead: 

Sorry for all the bother again...... 

PS. There's been plenty of times he's been called an abuser etc. I just don't have the time to pick them out....gotta do homework....

Anyway....he wasn't called names per se but just portrait as this awful person and I needed to clarify that in reality he's not.....

That doesn't mean that I like what he's done....


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I do know what you are getting at. I don't think it was ever a question of loving you, but rather a question of liking you. Of course he loves you, you both have beautiful kids together, he will probably always love you for that. Liking you is a whole other story. Trust me, I have been there. I have always LOVED my husband, but I have not always LIKED him LOL. May sound stupid, but its soooo true.

Truthfully, about him still being nice, like you said he is a nice guy. He wants his children to have a stable life with parents who are screaming lunatics. He doesn't even really want to hurt you, he is just doing what he needs for himself. His being nice just goes to show his character. He doesn't want to hurt his family, but he felt some need to get out. Can it change? Sure it can. And I do hope that it is a case of him not being sure he can trust that you have changed. It is fully possible he will see that and you two can be one again, but its just as possible that he is done. 

I think you are doing great working at all that you are, and if the changes truly are for you, then either way you will come out a better person for yourself and your children. Can you be happy with that?? ( sincerely, not sarcastically LOL) hard to read tone in typing.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

On a side note, I never get replies when I start a thread, I know I'm special, I just can't spell so you folks take me for being ignorant.

rome- you are are special, we all are, you just have an a** h*l* for a husband..... Just kiding... I'm hoping adding some humor will cheer you up. Sometimes all we have is a little humor to gets us thru the tough stuff...OK..

I may even start a new thread called rome's big *ss *o*e, I'll even proof read it and maybe use spell check;-) I'm done teasing so go ahead and beat me up. lol

It's not what knocks us down that counts, it's how we get back up that matters.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

DawnD said:


> I do know what you are getting at. I don't think it was ever a question of loving you, but rather a question of liking you. Of course he loves you, you both have beautiful kids together, he will probably always love you for that. Liking you is a whole other story. Trust me, I have been there. I have always LOVED my husband, but I have not always LIKED him LOL. May sound stupid, but its soooo true.
> 
> That's what I tell my kids when they misbehave "I love you, but I don't like you right now"...
> 
> ...


*Thanks so much !!!!!! *


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I think you would be suprised to find out that he isn't nearly as sure about things with you as he once was. Does he think you would make a scene? Probably not. Does he KNOW that for a fact? No. Especially if he has seen other couples go through messy divorces. Plus, he probably generally is a nice guy and possibly wants to keep a door open. 

My one and only concern is that I don't want you to put ALL your hope into the idea that he will come back. Is it okay to hope a bit that he will? Sure. But to put all your eggs in one basket could lead to heartbreak. You have started making yourself more self sufficient, and I think that will be a great step for you whatever happens. 

I like that he is not being cute with you, he is being very open and honest about what he thinks and feels. Do you think you would be open to reconciliation even if it came with more boundaries???


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

DawnD said:


> I think you would be suprised to find out that he isn't nearly as sure about things with you as he once was. Does he think you would make a scene? Probably not. Does he KNOW that for a fact? No. I might just fight you on this one  ..... I'm just not a hot tempered woman....I can put it in writing (as you saw) but I would never act on it....he knows that....and he has been through a nasty divorce before (10 years as well)....she was 13 years older than him and took full advantage of him....I think I wrote about that in a different post....and I think that's one reason why he jumped to a decision a little too fast for my taste....he might have had a deja vu..... Especially if he has seen other couples go through messy divorces. Plus, he probably generally is a nice guy and possibly wants to keep a door open. In case he changes his mind and falls in love with me again ?!?! I wouldn't mind.....
> 
> My one and only concern is that I don't want you to put ALL your hope into the idea that he will come back. Is it okay to hope a bit that he will? Sure. But to put all your eggs in one basket could lead to heartbreak. Either way....I am working on being single somewhat already....I am kind of packing (stuff that I haven't used in ages I'm putting in storage bins and I'm getting more organized just in case....
> 
> ...


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

the guy said:


> On a side note, I never get replies when I start a thread, I know I'm special, I just can't spell so you folks take me for being ignorant.
> 
> rome- you are are special, we all are, you just have an a** h*l* for a husband..... Just kiding... I'm hoping adding some humor will cheer you up. Sometimes all we have is a little humor to gets us thru the tough stuff...OK..
> 
> ...


Thanks, the guy.....

I like this


> It's not what knocks us down that counts, it's how we get back up that matters.


 !!!!!!!


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Who has custody of the children?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I don't feel that anyone really made his out to be an a**hole. 

But, if they did, it's based on what you posted the issues were and how you posted he was behaving. As a previous poster indicated, we only get one side of the story and provide input/advice based on that information.

If you don't want us to view him as an a**hole, then don't portray him as one in your post(s). Simple as that.

I hope that things get better for you and your family.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

As far as getting replies for post(s). I had the same question earlier on the forum, I was told sometimes it's the title, sometimes people cannot relate and do not have any sound advice to impart and for others, it's a issue that has been beaten to death on the forum and there is already great advice out here.

So don't take it personally, I'm sure that others, as well as I, feel bad for you and wish we could help, but, if we have not experienced or are in a similar situation, there is not much that we can offer you that will help.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Two things about getting posts on your threads. First, make sure it's in the appropriate subforum. If you're talking about marriage issues but you're in the infidelity section, you'll be ignored because that's not what people reading in infidellity are looking to help with. Plus, the people who are experiencing the same things as you WON'T be looking in infidelity, they'll be looking under marriage problems. (I just used those as an example; not sure where you posted)

Second thing is starting multiple threads makes it nearly impossible for people to follow your story. When I tried to read your stuff yesterday, it took me over an hour, because you started at least 5 or 10 different threads, so I was bouncing all over the place, by DATE, to try to figure out what your story was.

Stick to one thread, in the correct subforum, and you'll get a lot more traffic.

I hope that helps.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

the guy said:


> On a side note, I never get replies when I start a thread, I know I'm special, I just can't spell so you folks take me for being ignorant.
> 
> rome- you are are special, we all are, you just have an a** h*l* for a husband..... Just kiding... I'm hoping adding some humor will cheer you up. Sometimes all we have is a little humor to gets us thru the tough stuff...OK..
> 
> ...


I don't think that's the case. I see plenty of posts here from people who struggle with English and they get responses.

Where I don't see responses are when someone isn't concise enough, maybe doesn't use paragraphs (which makes reading the post difficult) or the post is just too long to try to follow.

But spelling? unless the spelling is so bad that we can't make out what is being said, I've never seen anyone ignored because of that.

BTW - sometimes people just don't have anything to say about the topic. If I can't relate to an issue or add something positive to the discussion, I just don't respond.


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