# I'm so lost



## csteel09 (Apr 29, 2015)

First off let me say that I am a loser. One year ago I was caught kissing a married co worker in a parking lot by my husbands friends. They immediately called him and told him. He came home from work immediately with our 15 year old son in tow and called me every name in the book C U N T and every single bad name you can think of all right in front of our son. Told me to get out, poked me in my chest leaving a bruise for about 2 weeks and took my wedding ring off my finger.

Prior to this going down I was unhappy with him due to some very abusive behavior on his part. He likes to drink to the point where he can hardly walk and talk and it's rather embarrassing to be his babysitter all the time. One night after we had bowling i went to put my stuff in my car and he remained inside for 45 minutes drinking knowing I was out waiting for him in the car. I did not want to deal with his drunk arse so i just sat there playing tetris on my phone. When he finally stumbled out of the alley I was not very nice to him and told him I hated when he acted like such a loser. He then proceeded to tell me I was a Fat a$$ and tubby and he could get 13 girls that would just love to line up and give him a BJ. I told him I would drop him off at the bar and let him have his fun. He became increasingly angry and punched me in my arm and told me he hated me. we get home and he's so drunk he passes out on our bed on a diagonal angle. i woke him and told him to move over and he sat up and got out of bed and threw up in the hallway all over the carpet and my 15 year old was there to help his dad clean it up. I should have left him then. This is not the first time he called me such mean things. I have repeatedly told him that calling me fat is seriously depressing the hell out of me. I am NOT fat!!! Granite I am not the 115 pound stick figure I was when we first met at 16 years old but I am not fat! This name calling has gone on for about 12 of the 20 years we have been together.

So I moved out and in with my best friend once I was discovered in the parking lot. The guy was also married and hated his married life. He was telling me all the wonderful things I had been longing to hear. Told me how beautiful, smart, sexy, and funny I was and I totally fell for it. In hindsight pretty foolish on my part to think anything good was going to come from being the OW.

My H was begging me to come home for about 3 months after this all happened and I refused. I was so hurt and angry and seeing a therapist that informed me that the H is a narcissist and I am co-dependent. Always care about how everyone else is rather than myself. during the summer we tried talking a few times and he kept being abusive and drinking.

I tried to come back home to him in October and set a goal date of Thanksgiving...all of a sudden it was too soon and I should have come home sooner etc. I found out moths later that he went on a few dates, one of which was his counselor that was mandatory from probation! Another is some Whoooooore we both know. I stopped talking to him again once he blew me off and chose drinking over being with me.

Christmas came and he took our 16 year old to Florida because he just couldn't deal with the holidays if I was not home. I was all alone for Christmas and wanted to kill myself.

Now we are talking again for about 2 months now. I just don't feel he is putting in ANY effort and seems very shut off and distant. I know what I did was wrong and am extremely remorseful but I can't be the only one trying to make things work. I apologize to him all the time and pay him compliments but he still does things that bother me. He will stonewall me for hours and not answer my texts. When i ask him when I can come back home all I get is don't you think we should make sure this is going to work before you just move back in? Not sure how we can work on things when still living separate lives. 

Guess I am just afraid nothing is going to change on his end and he will keep doing the things from the past that got us to the point they got to. never once did i EVER make fun if his physical appearance and make him feel bad about himself and I spent years begging him to stop.

I just don't know what to do anymore, do I keep fighting for this or just give up and move on?


----------



## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

So let me get this straight...you're a cheater and he's an abuser? Both of those things would be deal breakers for me. 

Here's only advice I can give you. Leave your husband, don't get into another relationship for at least another year and get into counseling to work on your need for drama issues.


----------



## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

All I can think about is what all this drama is doing to your son. He's witnessing most of it - by what you said. 

I agree with Blue Woman. You need to get some counselling starting immediately. Your husband is abusive. What is it that you want to go back to? He doesn't seem to be showing any remorse for his behavior or making any changes. 

Are you afraid to be alone?


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Like you said, you should have left when it was clear he was abusive and was not going to work on his alcoholism (after telling him that if he did not change, and quickly, you would be leaving).

There is NO excuse for cheating. Ever.

Other than that, I agree with Blue Woman's advice.


----------



## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

I'd say you both are better off without each other. Let him find a drinking buddy and you find a good man that puts his marriage and family first. Unless he changes, you will repeat the same pattern.


----------



## csteel09 (Apr 29, 2015)

I've been going to therapy for over a year now. Started after the bowling incident. I guess I am just hanging on to the 20 years we were together. I am afraid to be alone. I have NEVER been alone my whole life. I do love him and want to make things better. Just now sure he will change or even wants to.


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Augusto said:


> I'd say you both are better off without each other. Let him find a drinking buddy and you find a good man that puts his marriage and family first. Unless he changes, you will repeat the same pattern.


You say this as if the OP will not be tempted to cheat on any man, even if he does put the marriage and family first, if he doesn't tell her how beautiful, sexy, smart, and funny she is all the time.

OP is a narcissist who will cheat to get the ego kibble. Her husband is an alcoholic. If they want to improve themselves, they should each get counseling - intensive counseling. And neither of them should be with anyone for a while until they each figure their sh!t out. Maybe put their son first, for a change.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Is being with an abusive drunk really better than being alone?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

csteel09 said:


> I've been going to therapy for over a year now. Started after the bowling incident. I guess I am just hanging on to the 20 years we were together. I am afraid to be alone. I have NEVER been alone my whole life. I do love him and want to make things better. Just now sure he will change or even wants to.


Let me ask you this: If you hadn't gotten caught, would you still be seeing the other man behind your husband's back?

If your honest answer is yes, you don't still love him.


----------



## csteel09 (Apr 29, 2015)

i don't expect to be told how smart, pretty, funny I am all the time. But I also do not expect to be put down and made to feel worthless either. When the name calling happens it hurts so bad and I tell him that all the time. He has gotten better with that but then again we have not been living together for the past year. I feel so horrible for becoming the one thing I always said I would never do. I asked him to go to counseling with me right after the last incident happened, which was on the anniversary of my mothers death I might add and asked him to please be nice to me that day as I was already sad and feeling down.

I was always a GREAT wife and would never consider doing this to him. Something clicked that night he insulted me so bad. I emotionally checked out of our relationship. Asked him to go see a MC and he said we didn't need one and we could fix things on our own. He tells me he is who he is and I cannot change him.


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

csteel09 said:


> i don't expect to be told how smart, pretty, funny I am all the time. But I also do not expect to be put down and made to feel worthless either.


This is classic blame-shifting. He put me down and made me feel worthless, so he drove me to cheat on him. Wrong. That was a choice you made. You should have told him you would leave him if the put-downs and other abusive behavior didn't stop, and then followed through and left him when it didn't.




csteel09 said:


> When the name calling happens it hurts so bad and I tell him that all the time. He has gotten better with that but then again we have not been living together for the past year. I feel so horrible for becoming the one thing I always said I would never do. I asked him to go to counseling with me right after the last incident happened, which was on the anniversary of my mothers death I might add and asked him to please be nice to me that day as I was already sad and feeling down.
> 
> I was always a GREAT wife and would never consider doing this to him. Something clicked that night he insulted me so bad. I emotionally checked out of our relationship. Asked him to go see a MC and he said we didn't need one and we could fix things on our own. He tells me he is who he is and I cannot change him.


If he refuses to even try to change, then you should leave him/file for divorce. What if you said to him, "I like it when other men tell me how great I am. I am what I am, and you cannot change me." That would be unacceptable, right?

Like others have said, what's worth saving, here? If it's just to be a family again for your son, but if your husband continues to get drunk and be abusive, is that any life for your son? Is he living with his Dad right now and still having to clean up after him when he drinks himself sick?


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

csteel

There is no excuse for cheating.

But there is also no excuse for excessive drinking, verbal abuse nor mental abuse.

If he does not want to change or feels there is no reason to change then why on earth would you put yourself back into that situation.

The right choice instead of cheating would be to serve him and divorce him.

The focus on your life and that of your sons.

A lot of spouses check out of their marriage. It happens. But there is a right way to end a marriage.

Do it the right way.

And there is a right way to fix a marriage. But it takes two willing participants. Not one.

Good Luck and keep posting.

HM


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

You're BH is an abusive a**hole and an alcoholic.

You should have divorced him years ago...and since he has not changed in this past year, there is really no point to trying to save the M.

File for D.

Now though, you also need to fix YOUR flaws that allowed you to cheat in your M.

Yes the M was horrible and needed to end...but why not do that?

Why turn into a lying, sneaking, traitor on top of all the other problems you and your family faced?

Destroying your M in this fashion will cause MORE harm to your son....D is bad enough for kids....but D due to infidelity carries even worse issues....from increased bitterness and anger between the parents to feelings of being betrayed and abandoned themselves.

You do not say, but I assume the friend you got caught kissing was the same POS you ended up having the PA with....I hope so, because otherwise that is TWO other M's and families you helped destroy because you were unhappy in your own.

And that is the biggest thing you have to figure out going forward csteel....how could you allow yourself to have sex with another woman's H and destroy her M and their children's family?

On this point, your otherwise horrible BH has NO blame....you cannot pin this on him or his behavior.

Finding happiness in the future is going to depend a lot on finding out why you let this happen and fixing those flaws in yourself.

I truly wish you luck and hope you can eventually find your way back to being an upstanding woman.


----------



## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

What the fu*k are ya'll teaching your son, not to excuse your cheating at all wow
Does your son talk to you like your husband does?


----------



## PBDad (Apr 13, 2015)

BlueWoman said:


> So let me get this straight...you're a cheater and he's an abuser? Both of those things would be deal breakers for me.
> 
> Here's only advice I can give you. Leave your husband, don't get into another relationship for at least another year and get into counseling to work on your need for drama issues.[/QUOTE
> 
> ...


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> This is classic blame-shifting. He put me down and made me feel worthless, so he drove me to cheat on him. Wrong. That was a choice you made. You should have told him you would leave him if the put-downs and other abusive behavior didn't stop, and then followed through and left him when it didn't.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



No, his actions made her dysfunctional.

Imagine a child sex abuse victim, and that child abuse victim committed suicide. Their abuser did not make them commit suicide either, what their abuser did was take away their self-worth, causing the victim to be dysfunctional.

You should research what happens mentally to abuse victims, how their brain is changed physically and how more eratic abused victims become.

I suggest researching on cycle of abuse, and how the bonding and unbonding keeps a victim hooked to their abusers, and why their abusers find it hard to let go of their victim. It will add more complexity to this situation.

Logically, if all abused victims were mentally healthy, they would leave their abusers, but the abuse causes the victims to be unstable. I should know, I was a victim myself.

You develop a hate/love relationship, and with the abuser being a emotional wall, you will seek help and understanding elsewhere. Mean while, once the abuser feels their victim slipping away, they will change their behavior for a period of time, bringing hope to the victim, causing the victim to go through a honeymoon phase. What brings the victim back is the attachment, and the hope that things will change. Even now, her abusive husband is being nice, trying to bring her back into the drama. He needs control, and he fears abandonment and loss, so abusers break down their victims in order to control them. It is one vicious cycle.

You should check out the threads of other abused victims, you will see patterns.

It is easy for us to say why not just leave them, but the drama, the hormonal highs of reconnection is strong, a hard addiction to break. A few months ago, there was another female poster who did not leave her husband until he broke her nose. But prior to that, she put up with a lot of abuse. There is also ariel angel, and due to her abuse, she ended up in another abusive relationship.

Those victims who do not receive help, have the pattern of finding one abusive person after another, they cannot operate in a healthy relationship. They do not go through the spikes that do not occur in normal relationship.

Here is a good one, look up stockholm syndrome as well, another complicated situation. Hostages falling or forming attachments with their abductors. You thought it was difficult to let go of your husband, and his cheating may color your perception, but it is harder for an abuse victim to leave their abuser.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You and your husband are damaging your son. 

The two of you need to divorce and learn to live alone. You need to work on your co-dependency and your poor boundaries. Cheating is not an answer to anything, and no matter if your husband is an ass or not, he did not deserve to be cheated on. You can blame the OM all you want, but you were ripe for an affair. Had it not been him, it would have been any guy who treated you nice and made you feel good. That is where boundaries come in. 

Your husband is a bully and he needs help. Lots of professional help. 

Both of you need to stop drinking for yourselves and your son. 

But I think your marriage died a long time ago. Time to bury it with a divorce and move along. Nothing here worth saving. Your son's welfare should be your prime consideration. If you and your idiot husband won't help yourselves, at least get your son into counseling so that he doesn't take on the worst traits of both of you.


----------



## Chas (Apr 2, 2015)

Csteel09
You're going to find the crowd here pretty hard on cheaters.
If I understand right you have been separated from your husband for a year and have been in counseling, which is pretty much all you can do. It appears you learned from your mistake and are now looking to the future.
Your husband is not going to change. You said he has been verbally abusing you for the last 12 years. There is no reason for him to stop now. After a year apart you must be OK with living on your own. File for divorce and custody of your son, asap. Hopefully your husband hasn't taught him how to be an abuser yet.
Meanwhile, try to start feeling better about yourself and reread Mr. Fistys post.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> You say this as if the OP will not be tempted to cheat on any man, even if he does put the marriage and family first, if he doesn't tell her how beautiful, sexy, smart, and funny she is all the time.
> 
> OP is a narcissist who will cheat to get the ego kibble. Her husband is an alcoholic. If they want to improve themselves, they should each get counseling - intensive counseling. And neither of them should be with anyone for a while until they each figure their sh!t out. Maybe put their son first, for a change.


I do not think the OP is a narcissist. Not a judgement I'd feel comfortable making on such scant evidence.

However, the OP could have been damaged by being the spouse of an abusive, violent alcoholic.

I think she and her son should run very fast and very far.


----------



## csteel09 (Apr 29, 2015)

My son is with his father. He's very much like his father in some ways. A lot of times I felt lonely in my own home. They we both into sports, watching not playing, so there would be a lot of nights I would go to bed at 7 or 8 because I didn't want to watch ESPN sports center for the fifth exact story replay. He stonewalls and ignores me like his dad. He just got a job too so time is now really limited. I try to get him to talk to me about things but all I get are one word answers and he says he has no questions for me. I know that he knows how abusive his father can be verbally but I kept a lot of it to myself. I asked him to see a counselor with me but he refuses. I tell him I love him everyday and he knows none of this is his fault.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Sounds to me like your abusive husband will use your kissing escapade against you for the rest of your life. You've said nothing positive about him wanting to get to the root of your issues, forgive, and fix himself. 

For the sake of your child, divorce and get yourself healthy. Hopefully he will do the same.


----------



## csteel09 (Apr 29, 2015)

It's crazy that you say he will use it against me for the rest of my life as he does not let things go. He probably will use it against me. I am making a list of boundaries I am setting and asking him to agree to it or we can't be together. I also know he may come back with things he wants like acces to phone, email, etc and I am ok with that. He also signed up for Facebook over the summer so now I worry about that. I don't have fb so he now has an outlet to get back at me which I fear will happen. I just love him so much and I see him falling apart financially since I moved out too. His credit has gone down and I feel he used money he had to go out and have a good time rather than keeping up with his bills. I still pay some of the bills there that have my name them.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

csteel09 said:


> It's crazy that you say he will use it against me for the rest of my life as he does not let things go. He probably will use it against me. I am making a list of boundaries I am setting and asking him to agree to it or we can't be together. I also know he may come back with things he wants like acces to phone, email, etc and I am ok with that. He also signed up for Facebook over the summer so now I worry about that. I don't have fb so he now has an outlet to get back at me which I fear will happen. I just love him so much and I see him falling apart financially since I moved out too. His credit has gone down and I feel he used money he had to go out and have a good time rather than keeping up with his bills. I still pay some of the bills there that have my name them.


Not your problem. This is the codependent in you talking. Your husband is a big boy and needs to make it on his own steam. File for separation so he can't ruin your credit.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Divorce is something you might be best advised to consider.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
As has been stated cheating is in no way an answer to marital problems. I understand it can be a way to "test the waters" while still having the security of a relationship. I use the word security when perhaps another word would be more applicable such as company. In any event, it is the action of an immature mind. What you must realize is that you and your H are immature and dependent, him on alcohol and you on him.

You both are failing horribly as role models for your son.

As for advice, the best I can give is for the both of you to grow up and begin behaving like parents instead of children. I suggest that you tell your H that his abusive nature and problem with alcohol is destroying your M and that if does not earnestly seek help then you will do what is best for you and your son. He must understand that you are not acting out of impulse or anger but that you have carefully considered what this is doing to you and your son and simply will not allow it to continue. I fear that your H is not mature enough to grasp the seriousness of his problem and that is truly sad but you must not compound the problem by continuing to subject you and your son to his abhorrent behavior.

As for you, you must realize the gravity of cheating. It is betrayal, deceit and treachery of the highest magnitude and no one is deserving of that, no matter how much of a scoundrel they are. If your attempts to convince your H are unsuccessful, and I believe they will be, then you must act as the mature, stabilizing force in your son's life and remove the two of you from his influence. You must not fear being alone and certainly not be in a hurry to become involved in another relationship. Take some time to think about the type of man you would like and then cautiously and patiently go about finding him. Be sure your son understands that what you did was horribly wrong, your H's behavior notwithstanding. Also, be sure he understands that your H's behavior is deplorable and unacceptable and that is why you two are leaving.

No one is fully aware of their abilities until faced with a challenge so do not be overly fearful of leaving. You may very well be quite surprised at your strength and resiliency when confronting your challenge. Depending on the bond between your H and son it could be very difficult but it is necessary for your long term stability and that of your son.

I would emphasize that you put due diligence into trying to repair your M since the bond between your H and son may be strong and you may find yourself alone. However, if your H simply refuses to put forth the effort then I believe your only recourse is to remove yourself from the hostile environment. These are indeed tough decisions that must be made if your H is unwilling/unable to help you repair the marriage. I wish you good fortune.


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Sounds like you are both better off without each other. Seriously lose him and work on yourself to ensure 

A) A happier quality of life
B) To make sure you dont pick another deadbeat partner in the future


----------



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Defending the OP here..

Having had a Alcoholic brother I can tell you that this sort of thing can drive people crazy. You end up in this crazy love hate relationship. I had it with my brother and I could see any woman that he tried to have a serious relationship with ended up this way.. They loved him and hated breaking up with him but understood.. 

Conversely other woman would go nuts when he broke up with them because, in their mind they are saying I put up with all this bullsh!t of yours and you are breaking up with me ?

Honestly I can hear the crazy come out of her here as she post..

She is so lost she doesn't even get the whole deal with her son.. She literally needs to be reprogramed to think normal. Her normal is not everyone else normal..

Your son working gives me the impression he is not going to school ? 
Is it one son that was 15 and now 16 or 2 irish twins ( aka 2 kids born 9 months apart ) ?

Why is your son working ? Necessity ? 

Personal input on this.. If you can somehow muster up the strength to take your son and leave.. Or have the cops kick him out. In New York any form of domestic assault or abuse is pretty much instant arrest, no questions asked. Most states take this type of stance on domestic violence..

This will not end well for you and your son.. Your son will grow up with the same bad traits your husband has.. He will think its okay to call women fat A$$ and other names..

Personally I forgive you for kissing another man as I know what this stuff does to people.. 

But regardless the theme here is NOT to get back with him.. We are not bitter people ( well most of us aren't  ). We are people that went through all this sort of stuff and are mostly over it and see things better now.. You cannot because you are too close to it.. The further you distance yourself from him and the longer time passes you will see how crazy this all was.. 

But you need to have the patience to be apart.. You will need some sort of support group beyond therapy for your issues about being alone.. You need to learn how to be alone and why its okay to be alone and it does not mean a death sentence.. You do not need someone to define you.. But it takes time to learn and understand this.. 

Again you need to tough it up because there is NO EASY way to fix this.. 

Hey come here and post when your lonely.. There is always someone up and posting and responding.. 

Trust me if you take the time, if you can just survive long enough. You will see how silly all of this is.. But you need to suck it up and learn how to deal with this all. Sadly its all about TIME.. Only TIME will cure these issues for you.. You will keep failing if you don't learn how to be with yourself.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hardtohandle said:


> Defending the OP here..
> 
> Having had a Alcoholic brother I can tell you that this sort of thing can drive people crazy. You end up in this crazy love hate relationship. I had it with my brother and I could see any woman that he tried to have a serious relationship with ended up this way.. They loved him and hated breaking up with him but understood..
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> I do not think the OP is a narcissist. Not a judgement I'd feel comfortable making on such scant evidence.


You're right. That was a knee-jerk reaction on my part to OP's saying she liked all the "wonderful" things the OM said to her, because that's just what my STBXH said was what he liked so much about his OW. Like Mr. Fisty said, I'm biased. More than he realizes. My STBXH cheated on me with and is continuing to form a relationship with a woman he says told him a sad story the night they met of her abusive, alcoholic husband of many years. He left her a couple years ago, moved out of state, and was later killed in a car accident.

I do feel bad for victims of systematic abuse. But that is no excuse for their cheating with a married man/cheating when they are married - somehow, they're supposed to get a pass because for destructive, selfish behavior because their thinking processes have been damaged by the abuse? Forgive me if I don't see it that way.

I'm sure my STBXH thinks he's his OW's knight in shining armor. And yet he's admitted to me that he put her "on a back burner" after they first started seeing each other and was kind of a d!ck to her for a while (before I even found out about her), and she was very unhappy about that. And yet, she still wants to be with him.

It's good that you're getting counseling, csteel, and you're trying to understand and change your behavior. I'm sorry your husband is not willing to do the same. I agree with everyone else here who says you need to get your son out of that situation - if your husband was abusive to you, isn't it possible he's being abusive to him? Or that his alcoholism is potentially dangerous to them both, and certainly not a good example, at best?


----------



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Nomorebeans said:


> You're right. That was a knee-jerk reaction on my part to OP's saying she liked all the "wonderful" things the OM said to her, because that's just what my STBXH said was what he liked so much about his OW. Like Mr. Fisty said, I'm biased. More than he realizes. My STBXH cheated on me with and is continuing to form a relationship with a woman he says told him a sad story the night they met of her abusive, alcoholic husband of many years. He left her a couple years ago, moved out of state, and was later killed in a car accident.
> 
> I do feel bad for victims of systematic abuse. But that is no excuse for their cheating with a married man/cheating when they are married - somehow, they're supposed to get a pass because for destructive, selfish behavior because their thinking processes have been damaged by the abuse? Forgive me if I don't see it that way.
> 
> ...


No your STBXH is a d!ck.. The OW husband doesn't excuse your husband. 

That he would even tell you about how he treated her or treats her shows what a d!ck he is.. 

I can only assume the story is true and she is not embellishing, meaning her husband only drinks socially and really hasn't been drunk in years type of thing.. 

Like I said unless you live with it, it can be hard to understand.. I still know old GF my brother had that still Pine for him till this day and he is dead 5 years now and mind you he hadn't dated these woman from probably 15 year prior.. So 20 years of Pining for a guy that I have to tell you was not the same person.. Back in the day he was a blonde hair John Travolta from Saturday Night Fever and yes we live in Brooklyn and he went to that dance club back in the day. He was a wreck before he died from alcohol related illness. Sadly dying was the best thing for him. I knew he would never get treatment and was just getting worse as time passed. I feel bad for my mom because she had to see him die in her home.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

csteel09 said:


> First off let me say that I am a loser. One year ago I was caught kissing a married co worker in a parking lot by my husbands friends. They immediately called him and told him. He came home from work immediately with our 15 year old son in tow and called me every name in the book C U N T and every single bad name you can think of all right in front of our son. Told me to get out, poked me in my chest leaving a bruise for about 2 weeks and took my wedding ring off my finger.
> 
> Prior to this going down I was unhappy with him due to some very abusive behavior on his part. He likes to drink to the point where he can hardly walk and talk and it's rather embarrassing to be his babysitter all the time. One night after we had bowling i went to put my stuff in my car and he remained inside for 45 minutes drinking knowing I was out waiting for him in the car. I did not want to deal with his drunk arse so i just sat there playing tetris on my phone. When he finally stumbled out of the alley I was not very nice to him and told him I hated when he acted like such a loser. He then proceeded to tell me I was a Fat a$$ and tubby and he could get 13 girls that would just love to line up and give him a BJ. I told him I would drop him off at the bar and let him have his fun. He became increasingly angry and punched me in my arm and told me he hated me. we get home and he's so drunk he passes out on our bed on a diagonal angle. i woke him and told him to move over and he sat up and got out of bed and threw up in the hallway all over the carpet and my 15 year old was there to help his dad clean it up. I should have left him then. This is not the first time he called me such mean things. I have repeatedly told him that calling me fat is seriously depressing the hell out of me. I am NOT fat!!! Granite I am not the 115 pound stick figure I was when we first met at 16 years old but I am not fat! This name calling has gone on for about 12 of the 20 years we have been together.
> 
> ...


Zowie, that's quite the life you two lead. 

And I'm thinkinggggggggggggggggggggggggggg, yeah, time to move on.


----------



## csteel09 (Apr 29, 2015)

I thank everyone for their honesty and encouraging / blunt truth comments. I know what I did was wrong, I'm having a hard time forgiving myself. Not only for what I did to my husband but for his family as well. I wish I could take it back but I cannot change the past. My h wasn't a total drunk 24/7 and he could be really sweet and do nice things. We went through a lot together, we grew up together. We both lost our mothers at a young age. His tragically and mine died slowly for years we had a child very young. I just wonder if we got stuck in the 16 year old mentality of how relationships work know I also hold on to resentments and bit by bit let my butterflies die....


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Hardtohandle said:


> No your STBXH is a d!ck.. The OW husband doesn't excuse your husband.
> 
> That he would even tell you about how he treated her or treats her shows what a d!ck he is..
> 
> ...


Hardtohandle, just want to say that I'm sorry about what you went through with your brother. My mother was an alcoholic - did two stints in rehab, and ultimately replaced alcohol with pills. She wasn't abusive, though - we had a very close relationship - she just drank herself numb. Dad left her for another woman when we all were very young, and she never got over it. She died when I was 26, never having even dated another man after my father. One of my brothers is also an alcoholic who could use some rehab, but I don't see him as ever being able to admit to himself that he even has a problem. He is very charming and has broken many hearts - I know both his two ex-wives still pine for him. So I know what you speak of.

Sorry to be so bitter about the OP's affair, here. Bringing my own sh!t into the mix, as usual. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around what makes a person disregard everyone else in the equation except themselves. I realize it's more complicated in some cases than just pure, unadulterated narcissism and d!ckheadedness.


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

csteel, I'm sorry for attacking you like I have in this thread. I brought my own bitterness and anger toward the other woman in my soon-to-be-ex's life in here, and took it out on you. You have things going on in your situation and your life that I know nothing about, and I shouldn't be handing out "advice" when I don't know what I'm talking about.

I'm sorry again for saying hurtful things to you and about you.

I'll stay out of this conversation and ones like it from now on, and maybe off this board for a while.


----------



## csteel09 (Apr 29, 2015)

To Nomorebeans, no hard feelings here. It's hard to put yourself in other peoples situations without knowing first hand. I am sorry you are going through a tough time with your soon to be ex. I just needed to vent and get my story out there as my head is swimming with what to do constantly.


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

How is he currently addressing his alcoholism?


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Based on what you're describing, I wouldn't doubt that this is a classic narcissist/co-dependent relationship.

The chance of a man like this changing is incredibly small. He'd need to go to re-hab, stop drinking, get into AA, get IC and agree to go to MC. And at the same time, learn how to forgive you. How likely is that?

You on the other hand need counseling for your co-dependency and coping skills.

Your son needs counseling as well. I know only too well what growing up in that type of environment may mean to him in the future.

Too much to overcome. You'll be better off without each other, and so will your son.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

You allowed your 15 year old son to clean up your drunk husband's puke?

"No sweetie this is not for you to deal with, go to your room for a bit"

The drunk husband should clean his own sick. Or you. Not your son.

Both of you should grow up and get your acts together. Counseling for both of your issues. Divorce.

And not for nothing, and I am not excusing abusive behavior. You have an abusive husband, but yet you go kiss another man in a parking lot where you know his friends are around. You didn't think it would get back to him? Sounds to me like you were trying to poke the bear a little bit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Have you thought about him making you mentally unstable. You would be healthier if you can escape him, he will only break you down, degrade you, and make you as stunted as he is.

He needs control, and whatever he has to do to you mentally, he will do it.

Years and years of neglect and abuse, with no love shown towards you, you were hungry for affection. Yet, years of abuse has taken away your logical thinking.

He creates mental instability within you, your emotions have more power over you. Your reacting more impulsively.

You wonder why you had a high chance of cheating, your husband has broken you down mentally. A rational person would have left long ago, but being with him for so long, you react more emotionally. So when someone showed you caring and affection, you wanted it like a thirst you have not had in a long time.

We all have a drive to be wanted, to feel love. That drive does not go away because we are simply adults.

The faster you can leave him, the more you can recover.

In order for him to keep control of you, he needs to make you weak, dependent on him.

I suggest talking to therapist who deal in abuse. They will be better at showing you how it is hard for you to let go, what abusers do to maintain power over their victims.

Be careful of him hooking you back in. You need to realize that he is highly dysfunctional, and he is helping you stay that way as well.

With him, you will most likely be vulnerable to cheating because your emotionally starving, and for your husband to maintain that control, he needs to keep you that way. You becoming mentally healthy would take his power over you away. He will show you what you want to entice you back into the drama. It is a facade, and if you talk to a therapist, you will learn that the facade is what keeps you falling in love with him time and again.


----------



## csteel09 (Apr 29, 2015)

When i talk to him about his drinking and say it is not healthy and won't solve anything he says it makes his problems disappear temporarily. I can handle him having a few beers I just cannot handle the binge drinking and how he acts when he does a bunch of shots. It's almost like dealing with a toddler! He claims to be in IC but i don't think he has gone for a few months now. I go every other week as i cannot afford to go every week. I'm just afraid to lose what we used to have, still holding out that things will change. I just don't want him to find someone else and treat them how i have been begging to be treated ya know? Like why should I have to suffer only to have some new woman step in and reap all the benefits of him waking up and becoming a better person?


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

csteel09 said:


> I just don't want him to find someone else and treat them how i have been begging to be treated ya know? Like why should I have to suffer only to have some new woman step in and reap all the benefits of him waking up and becoming a better person?


Are you really telling yourself that you'll stay with this miserable man because he might find someone else and become a better man/husband? If he was a serial cheater would you not divorce him because he might stop cheating with someone else? This is truly a sad admission of your co-dependence.

Instead, you should feel sorry for his new partner, because he's likely going to make her miserable as well. That is unless he cheats with her; then you'll have your karma.

Forget about what might happen. Focus on what has happened and what is happening.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

csteel09 said:


> When i talk to him about his drinking and say it is not healthy and won't solve anything he says it makes his problems disappear temporarily. I can handle him having a few beers I just cannot handle the binge drinking and how he acts when he does a bunch of shots. It's almost like dealing with a toddler! He claims to be in IC but i don't think he has gone for a few months now. I go every other week as i cannot afford to go every week. I'm just afraid to lose what we used to have, still holding out that things will change. I just don't want him to find someone else and treat them how i have been begging to be treated ya know? Like why should I have to suffer only to have some new woman step in and reap all the benefits of him waking up and becoming a better person?



Your operating on fear. The flip side is that he wil continue abusing you until it reaches catastrophic levels, meaning injury or death.

In terms of probability, the odds are against you, and the chances of you remaining stunted is strong.

You need to detach from him ,become healthy before you make a decision.

I am sorry for what you went through, and I completely understand your need for love and affection. your hungry for it, you have a desperate need for him to show you love, and you want to be love by him.

You need to take into account, he is too dysfunctional to love you the way you want. Being with him will only cause you to be constantly vulnerable, because he will ration out his affection, giving you enough for you to stay, but never satisfied.

It is also possible for you to spend the rest of your life fighting for his love. You only have a certain alotted tiem on this planet. So please keep seeking help, and once you learn to detach, it will help you create boundaries, and when someone causes you to suffer, you will have the strength to leave.

Attachments are a doubled-edged sword, the more attach we are, the more suffering we have the potential to face from someone we love.

By investing in you, you raise the potential to find a partner who will treat you great, because you will have healthy boundaries in place, and those who crosses them, will be booted for someone else to have a chance at what a great partner you can be if you raise yourself.

A strong independent you will demand that your partner be as strong as you. They will respect the limits you have, but that has to come from you first, no one will get you there but you.


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

csteel.. Damn,

I was just cheated on. I got nothing... 

I personally feel this situation is way out of the TAM CWI league of "experts". This is a serious Level 5 Class A Triple Cluster F--k and should be reserved for serious paid professionals. IMO... good luck.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

csteel09 said:


> I've been going to therapy for over a year now. Started after the bowling incident. I guess I am just hanging on to the 20 years we were together. I am afraid to be alone. I have NEVER been alone my whole life. * I do love him and want to make things better.* Just now sure he will change or even wants to.


If that is truly the case, reading how badly you describe him in your own words, then you should definitely leave him. Your H is responsible for his happiness just as you are. 

Staying in an abusive relationship is not the answer and it does not bode well for the example that you are setting for your son. A child should not grow up thinking that abuse and cheating are an appropriate way of life. Also, your cheating helps nothing either.

Continue to work on yourself, set a positive example for your child. He's paying attention more than you think.


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"Also, your cheating helps nothing either."

Agreed....cheating never solves problems, only adds further destruction.

But when it happens in a M that is already abusive it's like setting off a nuke.

But csteel, I think that what this did to your M is sort of a moot point now.

I agree with the other posters that it is best if you file for D and end this fiasco before it gets worse.

But for YOU, moving forward in life, I think you really need to dig deep with your IC into why you would let your unhappiness (for obvious reasons...your BH is an a** who you need to leave) cause you to help destroy another woman's M and family? (f*ck your POSOM...after what he did he doesn't deserve his family)

If I try to place myself in your situation, I think the thing that would haunt me forever is how I let my problems lead me to destroy innocent people's lives....and I would have to figure out why I let that happen so it NEVER happens again in the future.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I understand that you feel as though you have served your time, paid your dues and now another woman will reap the benefits of your labor. You must understand that unless your H makes some drastic changes that he is destined to be this way for the rest of his life. The alcohol makes him forget short term but is doing far more damage long term, he must wake up to that fact in order to even want to recover.

You and he are both weak and immature and there must be much growth and maturation before this will get better. Your H lacks self discipline and you lack self esteem. You are both stronger than you realize but your minds simply cannot see that presently. He feels that he cannot cope without alcohol and you feel you cannot cope without him. You are both incorrect. Sadly however, there is no way for me to effectively convince you of that nor you him.

Tragically, it usually takes someone hitting rock bottom before they realize that the strength to overcome was in them all along, they just could not see it. Your H needs extreme motivation to see his strength. Perhaps losing you could be that motivation. You also need motivation to stand up for yourself. Perhaps your son could be your motivation.

This doesn't have to end badly if you and he could just see that life is truly what you make it and that when life throws difficulties at you that is the time to fortify your resolve and push ahead with even more determination.

So then, you and your H have a choice to make, remain weak and allow life's circumstances to control you or commit to be strong and take control of your lives and make life all it can be. Be aware that this decision will affect you two individually, your marriage, and most of all, your son. I sincerely hope that your H sees the strength he has before it's too late but if not, I hope you do. Good fortune to you.


----------

