# Paranoia over past fidelity



## SoulMateBeliever (Mar 17, 2011)

Hello!
My husband and I have been together for almost 23 years and married for about 20 years. WE have had positive a negative times throughout our marriage. I have been at fault (spent a lot of money (tens of thousands of dollars) 2 separate times in our marriage and did not tell him.. he had to find out on his own) He has been unfaithful in the past- but after I found out he was very honest.. much more forthcoming than I was about the money when initially confronted. But, the important thing is that after all of these issues, we are still together and still love each other dearly. That is a good thing!
Here is the issue- our marriage was going really well.. Then I found out he was unfaithful again. I found out she was a best friend of his ex-wife and they knew each other causally as kids. She contacted him about ten years into our marriage when he was getting ready to deploy (He is in the Army). Her emails were platonic and seemed more concerned about catching up than anything else. She would contact him every few years via email or phone and then no contact for years. The next thing I know she emailed and asked him for an affair. They had never dated or even kissed. I did not think he even liked her very well because he said she was ‘flakey’ He thought she was really cute when they were kids but that was it.
Long story short- he has crushed on her all of these years and never told me. She had contacted him after the divorce from his first wife but we were already together so he told her ‘no’ when she asked him out… He stopped just short of intercourse… and said they count not continue. But then she emailed him again and asked to try again and they would take it slow and get to know each other before sex… he agreed! 
I found out before it proceeded and he confessed all. He said he was happy with me… our sex life is and was great 5-7 times a week and very satisfying on both sides. We are best friends and do everything together. He said he is very attracted to me and does not want to lose me ever. He said he never wanted me to find out and he was not sure why he did it except that he was very flattered it would be ‘easy’ and no one would get hurt since she was married as well and it would be a one or two and done kind of thing… he told her that I knew and said they could not be in contact ever again because he needed to fix things with us and it could not happen if I thought they were talking. 

It was rough for awhile but we were working it out. Then 3 months later she texted him and emailed him again to say she had left her husband and missed him and wanted to see him. He told me and then emailed her to say they could not be in contact and she should work things out with her husband. Then she says she ‘loved’ him and always had. I was shocked. He admitted she told him that when they met at the hotel months before and even admitted to signing some emails ‘love ya’ to her when they were emailing before I found out. He admits he did not love her (and I believe him) and said he thinks she only said that to try and make herself feel better about cheating on her husband. 

He says he told her to stop contacting him again and she agreed. But now I am hyper-paranoid and constantly checking up on my husband and doubting everything again. In my heart I do not believe he is cheating and know I am being paranoid with no basis. I am making him pay when he did the right thing.. I know we cannot control her contacting him on his work email and his work phone.. Am I freaking out for no reason? How can I get over this? We are going through counseling but her contacting him again set us right back to square one. He is trying be understanding but is getting frustrated by the constant 20 questions and checking up on him. 
Any thoughts would be great. Anyone who survived this issue as well- your input would be appreciated


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

"and know I am being paranoid with no basis"

"Am I freaking out for no reason?"

"I am making him pay when he did the right thing."

You have to look at this a little differently...

You Do have a basis to be paranoid.

You DO have a reason to freak out.

He is paying for doing the WRONG thing.

He's the one that broke your trust. Yes, he admitted it. Yes he's trying to the right thing now.

Let me ask you a question... after you spent all that money does he still check the bank statements and credit card statements? Of course he does. Why? Because you screwed up and until you have proven that you can manage your finances he will continue checking.

So why shouldn't you feel the same way.

As for her contacting him, how about a restraining order? that will put a damper on her.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Can he request to have his work e-mail changed/deleted and his work phone number changed? Also if she contacted him via a personal e-mail address he could deleted that account as well and start a fresh new one. You might just want to get all new contact info all around.


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## SoulMateBeliever (Mar 17, 2011)

I spent money years and years ago. Yes he was very upset and did check up on me constantly for awhile. We both make excellent money so I was able to budget and pay it off in a couple of years.

He cheated on me multiple times during the aftermath of the money. he felt betrayed and I guess he wanted to get back at me.

I understand not turning a blind eye to bad behavior but I think it will destroy my marriage if i keep houdning him with when i do not seem to have a reason.

No, he works for the governement so changing the email and phone is out fo the question. My husband is also very nice and syas that he did wrong by me.. she didn't and he doesn;t want to be a **** to her when he made the choice to cheat he was not forced. He did tell her that she could not contact him again.. but he did not do it meanly. i worry because the same thing was done before and she seemed to think he would be all right with the contact.

I need help to not freak out when I seem to have no reason. Her recontacting him has caused me to become very suspicous to to try and catch him in lies (which I have not been able to do) He, on the other hand, told me about emails (which I would never have known since he has a secure encrypted email which he can only access from his work computer) I think that if he wanted to continue the affair he would have kept me in the dark about this.. I know I am making things worse by always doubting and spying on him... help...


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I work for the government to and as far as I know I can request a new e-mail and/or phone number, especially if I let them know that an old friend was stalking me and compromising my marriage.

What about his personal contact info? Will he get rid of them and create new ones? New e-mail, cell phone number, house phone number? Maybe even just delete facebook or block her completely from it?


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