# Confused...emotional affair?



## Starr82 (Jan 19, 2016)

My husband and I have been together 14 years, married for 12. We have two kids and he is my best friend. Ive never suspected him of cheating. We recently moved last september to a new state for his job. He has made friends easily, especially with a girl at work. It all started innocently enough. He told me about all the people he met at work including her. Then he started talking more about her. (Her boyfriend had just broken up with her) He started being, i guess you can say closed off with me. He changed where I was wondering what the hell was going on. First i noticed his lunches were starting to cost more. When i asked about it he said oh i bought lunch for a friend at work. When i wasnt satisfied with that answer he finally told me he went out to lunch with her. You have to understand my husband is cheap. I paid for our first date. He doesnt buy anybody anything. Imtold him i was uncomfortable with that. He just made me out to be crazy. I dont want to write a ton but things escalated from there. Him not answering his phone when he was out to lunch with her. Lying about it. Lying about a lot of things. I always find out the truth. Snapchat, texts. Which he would delete. He would even delete his call log. He was talking to her more then he was talking to me. They arent even in the same department at work. There is nothing to say to eachother on days off or when you are on vacation. They even bought eachother christmas gifts. He paid for it in cash so i wouldnt know. He also bought it when we got into a fight about her and he left the house. He went to the mall and got her a gift. I kept telling him it was making me uncomfortable. He finally said he would stop. He deleted his snapchat and erased her from all his social media. He said he would only see her at work. That was a lie. He just downloaded the snapchat again and would delete it when he was done. I found out and confronted him. He lied and said he didnt. I threatened to leave if he kept this up. 
He finally said okay i will stop. He permanetly deleted his snapchat but kept her on facebook and said i can check his phone and he would call on every lunch. He started resenting me for it after two days! He got mad at me. I was to suspicious. Why was i questioning apps he downloaded. (Secret folders) He wasnt even trying. He was doing the bare minimum and being annoyed with that.
He pursued her. He kept talking, texting, opened a new snapchat and was just mean to me. Told me he wanted me to leave and that he hasnt loved me in awhile. I said okay. The boys and I are going to go back home. He didnt like that but i have no one here. I packed. I was getting things ready. We decided when i was leaving and we told our kids that we were divorcing. It was the hardest thing ive ever done in my life.
Four days of ignoring eachother he tells me he doesnt want me to leave. That we can work it out. Im weary and dont trust him. We couldnt come up with an agreement. I want to give him a chance but we need to move home or he needs to transfer or find another job. He says hes not quitting his job and hes not moving. We couldnt compromise. Finally he said that i could monitor his phone. He would give it to me everyday after work. That he will call at lunch again and text me pictures of the time clock when he leaves work. He will stop talking to her. He told her what was happening between us and she told him to work it out with me. We also agreed that if things still werent right by summer that we all would leave as a family. This all worked for a day. He told me he resents me for making him do all that. That he thinks he should still be able to talk to her. He also says he doesnt think we can move in the summer. What else can i do? I dont know if this makes sense. Im really emotional and rambling. He told me he likes her and the attention she gives him. He is lying and taking things back that he says. Does he love me? He is going back and forth. I love him but im starting to really resent him. I told him this was an emotional affair but he says as long as its not physical its fine. He thinks im just exaggerating. That im causing dramatics. Its like im giving him 100% and hes giving 0%. Im probably leaving things out but i just feel horrible and unloved.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

It's quite simple. 

He lied, he crossed the line. 

He gets to stay in touch with her or he gets to stay married. 

Do not get sucked into the whole DARVO tactics. (Look that up, btw.)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Starr82
Sorry for what you're going through. It sounds just like how my story started. I can relate to every word. I let it go on & it turned physical. It sounds like the same things happening with you're husband. If it wasn't he would stop. There's no reason to hurt you when you've made it clear how you feel, Unless it's gone farther than he will admit to you. Let him know you won't tolerate this. 

Stand your ground. If he's not willing to stop all contact with her, Then he's made the choice for you. He has put her before you, his kids & his marriage. Don't let this go on until it goes physical if it hasn't already. Go talk to this woman & see what she has to say.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*He's richly into an EA, fastly hurtling toward a PA, provided that it hasn't already reached that apex! 

It's rather apparent that he wants to be able to have his cake and to be able to eat it, too!

I think that it's well beyond time for the two of you to have a serious uninterrupted "Come to Jesus" meeting!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Starr

I am sorry that you are in this bad situation. Your husband is in a full EA at a minimum. Just reading up to the point about “he started talking more about her” and then the lunches was enough to signal EA. He confirms the EA with the Christmas gifts and admission that he likes her and the attention she gives him. 

Based on this current actions and comments – “as long as it’s not physical it’s fine” and “he thinks he should still be able to talk to her”- it is unlikely he has ended the EA. He might be using a burner phone or texting/emailing her through the office computer system. 

Marriage counseling is a must and individual counseling might be needed. Until he can admit that this was an emotional affair and that marriage boundaries have been crossed, he will not be able to end the affair. 

Get a copy of the book “Not 'Just Friends'” by Shirley Glass. This book is highly recommended at TAM. Both of you need to read it. I wish you well.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi Starr82, 

You need to separate and file. He is in the fog. There several concepts often discussed here you really need to know backward ad forwards; trickle truth, gaslight, and the fog are three basics. To start you need to blow up the haze of the fog he is in, read this:
Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums. His girlfriend must be contacted as well. She knows the damage their actions are causing and yet she continues to give him hope. 

He wanted to reconcile after 4 days. You where right to leave but you came back to soon. Read this Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce - LoveShack.org Community Forums

I urge you to speak with family in your old state make plans to move back and do so. Do this without discussing your plans with him.

As to your sons, they love you. They need to know if you love a women you don't do somethings. Setting standards is the singe most important thing a parent can do in your situation.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

If i wasn't clear do not tell or discuss the move with him. Just move and leave a note. Have your children enrolled in their new school before hand. File for divorce in your new state the moment you move in. If this helps you can usually file a notice of intent only. This will anchor you and your children in your home state while you discuss divorce or reconciliation


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

JohnA said:


> If i wasn't clear do not tell or discuss the move with him. Just move and leave a note. Have your children enrolled in their new school before hand. File for divorce in your new state the moment you move in. If this helps you can usually file a notice of intent only. This will anchor you and your children in your home state while you discuss divorce or reconciliation


You might want to make sure with the laws in both states, and be certain that's not kidnapping...

It would be a shame to end up losing a lawsuit for this kind of behavior.


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

Star, sorry you're here but the good news is you are here where folks who don't even know you care about you because we've been there in some capacity. Everyones story is different but in some ways the same. As bad as your situation might get, the information you get here will help you navigate through this mess.

It's good that you are tech savvy since you've caught him using and deleting apps to mask his texting. There are some "very tech savvy folks" here that maybe able to help you recover what you don't know.

This is definitely an EA but you don't know how far it's gone. You are making a mistake by asking him questions and believing his answers.

You obviously can see him deleting his apps, paying for their lunches and purchasing her present (WHICH MAKES MY HEAD EXPLODE ! ,,, sorry about that) but you don't have the deleted texts. You don't know what he's saying to her. You can only believe what you can verify. His job is like a black box to you. It's very difficult to see what they are doing at work.You are going to have to start digging to get to the bottom of this. Unfortunately it's only the beginning.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

He's lying. He's cheating. And you're letting it happen because you're sticking around for it. You don't need to investigate. You KNOW he's AT LEAST emotionally involved with her to the point of betraying his own wife. That's really all you need to know. Seriously, leave and file for separation. Either he'll pull his head out of her azz and come to his senses or you'll know where you stand and be in a good place to move on.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

It is an Emotional Affair for sure and, despite what he claims, it is not OK. He is spending more time and energy on her than he is spending on his family. A physical affair is next if not already there.

Pack your bags and take your children home if you have a place to stay.

It might shock him out of it or it might end your marriage for good. Either way you will be better off than you are now.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I believe it is time for you and the kids to visit your family. Looks like he has made the choice like others have said. He needs to see what he would be losing. Stay strong and keep your head up this is not your fault.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

The standard to judge and pick a lawyer is not them telling you what you can't do. It is telling you how to get what you want and guiding you though the process. 

That is difference in getting out of a marriage somewhat whole and getting broken and destroyed. In a divorce there are no winners, just losers. All you can do is minimize your loss and have enough to start over.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

They are having sex.

Sorry.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Emotional Affair? Yes. Definitely.

A Physical Affair? Possibly.

You need to protect yourself and your children financially, just in case he goes mad and decides to become her sugar daddy.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

I hate to say it but you need to get tested for STDs. Visit your doctor or your county health clinic.


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

Grogmiester said:


> You are going to have to start digging to get to the bottom of this. Unfortunately it's only the beginning.


Star I'd like to clarify something. My suggestion to not believe a word he say is because I assumed after your 4 day silence you were going to try work things out or figure out wether he was telling the truth. I'm wrong for assuming that.

I think his behavior would be enough to end a lot of marriages including yours. Only you know that. 

You just can't believe anything he says. Had I understood how cheaters work and manipulate their spouses in my own situation I would have known it was over way before it was. Make no mistake about it, he is cheating.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

"Which he would delete. He would even delete his call log."

This the over the line point. all excuses aside. having shower before going home, deleting messages, making fake "proof". these are the crossed the line behaviors.

Breaking up with anyone you care about is tough. And it is going to be tough for him to do. But he has to make the choice, either he keeps it professional/ semi-casual with someone he's attracted to and he has to make sure he and her never cross the line or he never sees one of you again . And it is totally and completely up to him to take responsibility for his choice, and that means he has to distance himself from that person, and make sure no _chance_ of opportunity comes up (which means sacrifices!), that is part of what he has to do as "a person in a committed relationship" .... failure to keep that line *IS* a signal to the other person that he/she is available.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I say it is time for you to move back home. he was the one to suggest the phone monitoring, taking picture of time clock etc. He will not let her go, maybe if you and the kids leave he will follow, but probably not until they sleep together.

You need to take care of yourself and children, you need to go where you have support, you need to get out for your own sanity. He will never leave her alone he has proven that, it is time to make the move.


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## takingit1day (May 18, 2016)

I am sorry for the roller coaster of emotions you are probably going through right now. I've been there. Last year I caught my husband in a 7 month long EA. It can be devastating.

My advice is to know without a doubt it was an EA. He needs to acknowledge that as well. Ask questions and if he refuses to answer your questions to your satisfaction, assume he's hiding something. EA have many layers to them and can be more difficult to move past because of the feelings the two people share with each other, the connection they've formed.

Please put some space between you and your husband. Write down all of your questions and ask him early in this discovery. Later he may claim...forgetfullness. My husband did. Have him cut all ties with the other woman, you need to hear him tell her, even if you are in the room listening while he tells her on the phone.
He also needs to commit to not seeing her anymore.

If you still feel that you/him can't survive his EA, move on. Surround yourself with family and friends who will help you through this.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

It is so hard to reconcile the person that you love with one that is behaving like a deceitful, manipulative, selfish, cowardly (I can go on ...) @#$%%^#. 

My husband as I know him is a good, kind and considerate person. He is an honourable person - he doesn't cheat on his tax returns, has a strong work ethic, won't break traffic rules, is always punctual etc. and prides himself on being a loving husband and father. For three months of this year, whilst in the fog of a mostly emotional affair, he behaved like someone else entirely. 

He deleted all his Whatsapp messages to his affair partner because he knew that they would incriminate him - they were flirtatious and very familiar;
He passionately kissed and held her in a public place - he didn't care who saw him or what they thought;
He would phone me every morning to tell me that he loved me and would then start a Whatsapp flirtation with her directly afterwards;
He engineered situations using his own children so that he could see her;
He missed hours of work to see her;
He invited her into our home for a meal (that he got me to cook); 
He pretended to befriend her husband; 
He was rude and impatient with me when I delayed him in seeing her (he told me he was late for a work event); 
He blatantly lied to my face about specific facts concerning her; 
He discussed my shortcomings with her; 
He spent money on her;
He made us come back early from a family holiday so that he could see her (although he told me it was for work);
When I asked him how he would feel if I saw another man as much as he was seeing his affair partner, he told me to "Try it and we'll see."; ... I could go on.

What I am trying to say is that you feel unloved because he isn't acting in a loving way towards you. And there is no way in any universe that what he is doing is OK. No matter what he says. IT IS NOT OK. 

My husband and I are in the middle of a reconciliation at the moment. He tells me that his affair partner means absolutely nothing to him now except that if he thinks of her he feels sick and ashamed. He has not been in contact with her since mid-April (I have the polygraph to prove it). He is disgusted by his own behaviour. Intellectually he cannot believe that he risked his family for a fantasy, for an adolescent rush. But he did. He admits that, at the time when he was behaving so badly, he felt like he was "in love" with her. That is what they call the affair fog. Your husband is highly unlikely to end this by himself. I was "lucky" in that the other woman's husband ended my husband's affair. But my husband only got serious about facing the damage he'd done to our marriage when I told him that an emotional affair is infidelity. And that as far as I was concerned, he'd negated our marriage vows by getting involved with another woman. If it isn't already physical, then there is a good chance that your husband's affair will become so soon. If your husband is keeping secrets from you, then he is doing something that he is ashamed of (deep down inside). You need to take action, and while the suggestions here might seem extreme, you need to be strong. I know that if you have a marriage where you've always communicated well, then it doesn't feel right to be so aggressive, but you cannot afford to be nice and supportive of him right now. 

I found this site to be very helpful It?s Tough To Stop an Emotional Affair.


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## Lukedog (Nov 18, 2015)

Exposure??? You could report their affair to the company they work for. Most companies do not tolerate fraternization between co-workers of this magnitude and often have company policy against this type of behavior. That will probably end the affair real quick. One or both might lose their job, then she won't have an excuse to sleep her way to the top.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It's been a long time since @Starr82 has been here.

So I just sent her a PM.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Starr82 said:


> My husband and I have been together 14 years, married for 12. We have two kids and he is my best friend. Ive never suspected him of cheating. We recently moved last september to a new state for his job. He has made friends easily, especially with a girl at work. It all started innocently enough. He told me about all the people he met at work including her. Then he started talking more about her. (Her boyfriend had just broken up with her) He started being, i guess you can say closed off with me. He changed where I was wondering what the hell was going on. First i noticed his lunches were starting to cost more. When i asked about it he said oh i bought lunch for a friend at work. When i wasnt satisfied with that answer he finally told me he went out to lunch with her. You have to understand my husband is cheap. I paid for our first date. He doesnt buy anybody anything. Imtold him i was uncomfortable with that. He just made me out to be crazy. I dont want to write a ton but things escalated from there. Him not answering his phone when he was out to lunch with her. Lying about it. Lying about a lot of things. I always find out the truth. Snapchat, texts. Which he would delete. He would even delete his call log. He was talking to her more then he was talking to me. They arent even in the same department at work. There is nothing to say to eachother on days off or when you are on vacation. They even bought eachother christmas gifts. He paid for it in cash so i wouldnt know. He also bought it when we got into a fight about her and he left the house. He went to the mall and got her a gift. I kept telling him it was making me uncomfortable. He finally said he would stop. He deleted his snapchat and erased her from all his social media. He said he would only see her at work. That was a lie. He just downloaded the snapchat again and would delete it when he was done. I found out and confronted him. He lied and said he didnt. I threatened to leave if he kept this up.
> He finally said okay i will stop. He permanetly deleted his snapchat but kept her on facebook and said i can check his phone and he would call on every lunch. He started resenting me for it after two days! He got mad at me. I was to suspicious. Why was i questioning apps he downloaded. (Secret folders) He wasnt even trying. He was doing the bare minimum and being annoyed with that.
> He pursued her. He kept talking, texting, opened a new snapchat and was just mean to me. Told me he wanted me to leave and that he hasnt loved me in awhile. I said okay. The boys and I are going to go back home. He didnt like that but i have no one here. I packed. I was getting things ready. We decided when i was leaving and we told our kids that we were divorcing. It was the hardest thing ive ever done in my life.
> Four days of ignoring eachother he tells me he doesnt want me to leave. That we can work it out. Im weary and dont trust him. We couldnt come up with an agreement. I want to give him a chance but we need to move home or he needs to transfer or find another job. He says hes not quitting his job and hes not moving. We couldnt compromise. Finally he said that i could monitor his phone. He would give it to me everyday after work. That he will call at lunch again and text me pictures of the time clock when he leaves work. He will stop talking to her. He told her what was happening between us and she told him to work it out with me. We also agreed that if things still werent right by summer that we all would leave as a family. This all worked for a day. He told me he resents me for making him do all that. That he thinks he should still be able to talk to her. He also says he doesnt think we can move in the summer. What else can i do? I dont know if this makes sense. Im really emotional and rambling. He told me he likes her and the attention she gives him. He is lying and taking things back that he says. Does he love me? He is going back and forth. I love him but im starting to really resent him. I told him this was an emotional affair but he says as long as its not physical its fine. He thinks im just exaggerating. That im causing dramatics. Its like im giving him 100% and hes giving 0%. Im probably leaving things out but i just feel horrible and unloved.


He wants to have his cake and eat it too, meanwhile he puts you through hell. You should be the one who is resentful.
Tell him you are done giving him chances. Stop threatening him and not following through, by doing so you are leaving yourself open to his continued shananigans. You have to go scorched earth with him and let him know you mean what you say
1. tell all your family and friends what has been happening
2. pack up your stuff and take your kids and go back to your family, the break will do you good and give you the time to reflect on what has been happening in your marriage. You are emotionally distraught now and vicillating between letting him away with things and wanting to go
3. is his OW married? If so let her spouse know asap what is going on
4. To the 180 on him, emotionally withdraw from him, work on yourself, start going to the gym, dressing better, get your hair, nails done. Show him life is going on without him.
5, go meet a lawyer to see what your options are. If he still is doing this then let him have the papers, show you mean business, you do not have to go through with it, this is just to take him out of the fog he is in.
6. Stop threatening him, checking on him, let him have what he wants. Stop communicating with him on anything except for the household and kids
7. Ask him to move out of the bedroom

I know all of this is counter intuitive as your heart and emotions are screaming for you to hold on to him, don't! Show him you are willing to let go and you will be fine with it. WS usually want what they cannot have.


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