# Absent orgasms



## Lost_in_love (Jun 13, 2015)

My wife and I have been married for just over 5 years now. We have a 4 year old son. Life is pretty busy with my wife and I running a business and I also work full time shift work.

I'm pretty sure I've only ever given her two orgasms in our time together. I know, pretty woeful. It was never this difficult with past girlfriends or even one night stands. 

We talk about our sex life all the time. It's a major issue in our life at present. We don't have regular sex either. 

She is amazing my wife. Perfect mum to our son. She's so hard working in the business and at home. She's an awesome cook. She's hot too. I mean I'm still very attracted to her. I think we're just always too exhausted from everyday life that we'd rather watch a bit of tv and go to bed than have sex. She wants sex just as much as I do. But it always feels like a task.

I've tried doing the works. Wine, candles, music, massage, foreplay, oils to relax her but she is always so highly strung. It's impossible to vacate her mind of negative thoughts about whether I will perform for her or not. This sends me into a state of negativity and lacking confidence. It's become so bad that I always just put it off now so I don't have to disappoint her but putting it off disappoints her as well.

We're a great team but without good sex I'm going to lose her. Help me someone.


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## Ginevra (Nov 11, 2013)

Sounds like a big focus on it is placing so much emphasis on performance that the magic isn't there, can't be there. By magic I mean spontaneity, which is pretty important, at least in my sex life. Talking it to death can happen. First try removing the topic from conversation for a while. Do you think she would respond to more forward, exciting or direct techniques than you two are used to?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lost_in_love said:


> I've tried doing the works. Wine, candles, music, massage, foreplay, oils to relax her but she is always so highly strung. *It's impossible to vacate her mind of negative thoughts about whether I will perform for her or not*. This sends me into a state of negativity and lacking confidence. It's become so bad that I always just put it off now so I don't have to disappoint her but putting it off disappoints her as well.


What do you mean "perform for her"?

What was her sexual experience before she got with you?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Are you talking about orgasms despite trying different techniques? Are you talking about her achieving orgasm through intercourse alone? A *lot* of women do not orgasm during intercourse; you could be aiming for something that may not be physiologically possible for her.

If she cannot relax enough for any type of orgasm (through other types of stimulation--oral, manual, using a vibrator, etc), then it's time to talk with a doctor. She might need some counseling to work on how she deals with stress, for example, and a medical professional will have other ideas as well. 

Nothing is more stressful than being told, "You just need to relax," so avoid that step and just start looking at helping her find ways to reduce the stress she is putting on herself. She has to do this--you can't. But you can be responsive to helping her make it happen.

(And ps: usually stress isn't because of what we have to do, it's because of what we THINK we have to do. Letting go of unrealistic expectations and feeling good about it will serve her well for the rest of her life!)


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## Lost_in_love (Jun 13, 2015)

She only likes two maybe three positions. Others that I like hurt her or make her feel uncomfortable. I'm sure she's about to orgasm when I go down on her but she stops me before it can happen. I try to stay down and keep it going but she wriggles out of it. I think I need to tie her down.

In response to your tips on relaxation, I wish someone else could tell her these valuable methods as it doesn't seem to have enough substance when I'm the only one telling her all the time. She's very stubborn.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My suggestion is that you two go to a sex therapist. They will give her and you things to do to work through this.

It sounds like she's the one not wanting to have an orgasm. Have you asked her why she pulls away?


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## Lost_in_love (Jun 13, 2015)

When I write "perform for her" I mean get her to orgasm.

She was only ever with two other men before me. Apparently they never had our problems. She tends to bring her past partners up in conversation to make it my problem, that I'm the one that can't crack her. Well she's right in a way but back then when she was with her past partners she wasn't running a business with a kid. Life wasn't as busy. She has a lot on her plate. Her Mum died tragically 3 years ago and her dad is quite ill with heart disease. 

I wish we had a healthy sex life as I know it would put a little skip in her stride.


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## Lost_in_love (Jun 13, 2015)

Yes I do


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## Lost_in_love (Jun 13, 2015)

She's a little shy with sex. She thinks she's going to wee. I tell her that's the orgasm coming and let it happen. She's a real clean freak. A little OCD. 
She wouldn't want to orgasm in my face. I don't mind though.


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## Ginevra (Nov 11, 2013)

Maybe it's that simple. Maybe it's having given birth. Fear she may 'lose control' as it were could be holding her back in a big way. Agree about the sex therapist.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lost_in_love said:


> When I write "perform for her" I mean get her to orgasm.
> 
> She was only ever with two other men before me. Apparently they never had our problems. She tends to bring her past partners up in conversation to make it my problem, that I'm the one that can't crack her.* Well she's right in a way but back then when she was with her past partners she wasn't running a business with a kid. Life wasn't as busy.* She has a lot on her plate. Her Mum died tragically 3 years ago and her dad is quite ill with heart disease.
> 
> I wish we had a healthy sex life as I know it would put a little skip in her stride.


But I thought that this problem existed before the children and before the business.

The idea that you have to 'crack' her is pure nonsense. She has to do some things to get to an orgasm as well. 

Does she ever have orgasms by herself?

Does she tell you to do anything differently?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lost_in_love said:


> She's a little shy with sex. She thinks she's going to wee. I tell her that's the orgasm coming and let it happen. She's a real clean freak. A little OCD.
> She wouldn't want to orgasm in my face. I don't mind though.


So if she's concerned about peeing in your face, pull away and user your hand. Or get a vibrator to use at the very end.


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## Lost_in_love (Jun 13, 2015)

Yeh I guess it was a problem before our son but it wasn't a major problem as I guess as time has gone on the absence of sex is more prominent.
She never touches herself. I wish she would. 
She's constantly telling me to do things during sex. That's what annoys me. I'm getting in the mood and all frisky and there's my wife saying things like "put some music on, get me a drink, change the music, lets get some fruit." I end up getting over it and just give up.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lost_in_love said:


> Yeh I guess it was a problem before our son but it wasn't a major problem as I guess as time has gone on the absence of sex is more prominent.
> She never touches herself. I wish she would.
> She's constantly telling me to do things during sex. That's what annoys me. I'm getting in the mood and all frisky and there's my wife saying things like "put some music on, get me a drink, change the music, lets get some fruit." I end up getting over it and just give up.


But she was not orgasming much at all before you had a child (based on what you said.) I wonder if some of the reduction in the amount of sex and her attitude is because she's not really getting much out of sex. Couple that with all the obligations and very little time for sex. I wonder if these two things are the major problems.

Both can be worked on. Start finding ways to get more time for yourselves. How many hours a week to the two of you spend doing things that you enjoy together just the two of you.

And, get to a sex therapist.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Lost_in_love said:


> Yeh I guess it was a problem before our son but it wasn't a major problem as I guess as time has gone on the absence of sex is more prominent.
> She never touches herself. I wish she would.
> She's constantly telling me to do things during sex. That's what annoys me. I'm getting in the mood and all frisky and there's my wife saying things like "put some music on, get me a drink, change the music, lets get some fruit." I end up getting over it and just give up.


Hell dude, if you know she doesn't relax well you should be doing this without being told to! Get her the wine, turn down the lights, light some candles, light up a joint! Do what she needs you to do so she can relax.

Sloooooooow way the hell down. This isn't a race, it's all about the process. Slow, sexy, and sensual.

Have Great Sex--Even When You're Stressed


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Does she enjoy oral sex? Most women can't orgasm from PIV, but can from oral sex.


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## Lost_in_love (Jun 13, 2015)

you know what? I thought I might just add as I'm almost two bottles of red wine in. The love of my life has come home from a busy day at work and she's pissed about how the day went so she has a few wines. I'm keen so I have a few too. She ends up talking on the phone to her dad for two hours. I've never known anyone to talk so much on the phone. She finally comes to the couch and has some of my lovely dinner I've prepared for her. She then starts to go to sleep whilst saying she wants some hard sex from me. SHE PASSES OUT! 

I'm Keen. I'm going to end up watching porn.


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## dismissed (Apr 7, 2015)

Lost_in_love said:


> She only likes two maybe three positions. Others that I like hurt her or make her feel uncomfortable. I'm sure she's about to orgasm when I go down on her but she stops me before it can happen. I try to stay down and keep it going but she wriggles out of it.* I think I need to tie her down.*


That sounds like an excellent plan! Why don't you try that?


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