# Where to turn?



## directions (Nov 21, 2012)

Well, about a year ago my wife, who was always disgusted with the thought of people cheating on their spouses, had an affair. We were having trouble, but only in the bedroom, sex was almost non existant. I held some resentment because I was always given a "reason" why and she would say, maybe tomorrow. After 12 years of marriage, I knew that "maybe" never happened. It all started when a friend of hers invited her on a float/birthday trip for the friends daughter. I never cared much for this gal and my wife knew that, but guilted me into the fact that she wanted friends and I said that I had no problems with it, I even helped her clean out her car, because she was going to sleep in it, rather than the tent. That weekend she came back, hung over, and stated they had a good time and that her friend also had tickets to a pro football game in a few weeks, would I mind if she went? She said she would not drink, but they were going to spend the night, again, I said ok. She actually called me when she was at the stadium to help her with directions on where to part and sent me a text pic of the field. Turns out, both times she was meeting a married guy and cheating on me. Her friend as even in on it, to back up her story, in case I checked. 

How I found out a year ago is the wife of the guy found out who her husband had cheated on her with and called my wife, threatening her. The wife even went so far as to email every address she could find where my wife worked. So, I got a call from my wife that day, stating she had something to tell me. The odd part is, I knew it was coming. I was very angry, but so devistated. We have two young boys and had, what I percieved, as a great life together.

She agreed to couseling, I was so angry all the time, which I am not an angry sort, so this was new to me. I just wished someone would push my buttons so I could unleash my furry on them. Such a terriable feeling, like suffocating. Unable to call for help because of the pure shame and disgust. Not too long after she started couseling, she was fired from her job. Her boss discovered how much time she was spending on her computer finding guys on the internet, but she swore to me that it was only the internet. Well, after some counseling, she told me it was 9 different guys, as of today, I know it is more. 

We are at a point now that the only reason we are in the same house is for my boys, we never fight really and portray a family to the outside world (but no hugging or kissing) She has become removed and dejects me, having told me she loves me but she is not in "Love" with me. We dont communicate, even though I try, which is ironic because she stated that was the reason our marriage fell apart to begin with. We started seeing a marriage couselor, but she quite because she did not think it was working (after the second session), she stopped seeing her counselor as well. 

We talked the other day about what we want out of our marriage, I already ask myself, ever day, why I am still married to her. But she explains to me that the only way she can see our marriage working out is if she is allowed to have an open relationship! I told her no way, again, why am I putting myself through this.......

I told her that either she is married to me or not, at this point I dont really care any more. She is not trying in any way to save our marriage, why am I trying so hard? But then there are our two boys, I can sit here and cry just thinking about telling them of a divorce. I can see the fear/uncertainty on their faces and it makes me ill. They are such great kids, very happy and loving. I read all of these articles that say how it will affect them, and it makes me hate my wife so much. How can she put her personal desires before our children, but in the next breath state that they are her top priority in life. I am so lost.....


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

I'm sorry to hear of your situation.

Here's my take on things -- 
Your wife has no real reason to file for divorce. She's already cheated with 9 different guys, showing that as far as she's concerned you have an open marriage. She doesn't have a job, so you are supporting her. In addition, and this may hard for you to wrap your head around, while she's "fired" you as her love interest, she hasn't "fired" you as the father of her children. So, as long as you are willing to accept the status quo, take care of the bills and the kids, she will stay. 

What all of this means is that it is up to you to make the decisions -- she's made her decision, which is to keep things as they are.

I'd recommend you do a few things.
1) Take care of yourself. Read up on the 180 and exercise, eat right, take care of your kids.
2) Look into getting some professional help. It might be really useful to go to individual counseling (IC) so you can work through your feelings of betrayal and anger, worries about the future, etc. 
3) Educate yourself about divorce, child custody, spousal support laws in your state. Again -- I'm not telling you to get a divorce. Instead, I'm recommending that you get all the facts. My state is a community property state, there is a set amount of money that is put towards child support (it's based on the two people's income and is split by their earning %), and there is spousal support (which typically means that in a divorce the judge takes the difference in the 2 salaries and then the person with the higher $$ would pay 50% of the difference to the lower earning spouse in the first year, 40% of the difference in the next year, until after 5 years it would be phased out). All this means is that divorce is INCREDIBLY expensive for a spouse with a stay at home partner in my state. But other states have different laws and some allow fault (i.e., a pattern of adultery) to factor in the division of assets. You need to figure this out, so you can make an informed decision.
4) Can you ask your wife to take a trip, and get out of the house. Could she go and spend a week with her family (just her, not her and the kids), so you can assess what it would be like to be a single dad?


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## directions (Nov 21, 2012)

Thank you for the response. To clarify, she does have a job now, but refuses to call me when she is going to work or heading home. I asked her to call when she is heading home (1.5hr commute) so I know when to expect her and can assess whether or not to start supper for my boys. As for feeling alone, I am already there. Other than she takes the boys to school, I pick them up from school, keep the house clean, cook, get homework done, help coach them in sports. Lately she just shows up at the house when she wants. I used to hold supper for her, but I am over that.

One of my biggest worries if/when we divorce is keeping the boys schedule as it is, I am not sure how that would work. My job depends on me being in early (6am) so I can not stay at home with the boys and get them to school (10yr and 8yr), (she stated earlier she thought it would be best if the boys lived with me on our farm, not to displace them) but I see that as a problem and she could use it against me. 

I agree, I am a doormat at this point, it is a win/win for her if we stay together. She will continue to run around and have me waiting at home for her. She used to at least be remorseful of her transgressions, but she isnt any more, just a still upper lip really. Seems as though she thinks more highly of herself for what she "accomplished"....


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Have you cut her off finacially? If not start to and save the money for a nanny,lawyer, kids counselor. You do not have to live like this and you have options.

You need to be a few steps ahead of her so go dark and start planning. See a lawyer then look for away to get the kids to school, either rearrange work or find some one to take the kids.

It suck cuz I know the feeling when the only reason your old lady comes home is the sole purpose to get the kids to school. As they get older and they start to drive your chick will stop coming home completely (just to give you an idea how long I lived like you "13 yrs")

You could show some tough love and try to fight this but It sounds like you are behond that now. So start doing a 180 for starters it will help you protect you from more emotional torture. So look it up and it will help you distance your self from the emotional pain.

I also found that while doing the 180 I could spend alot of time with the kids with out my wife and it helped me stay ground and prevent me from ringing my wifes neck. So focus on the kids and other thing that bring joy and leave your wife out of it. 

As the kids got older I was able to do alot of thing for my self which was good.

In the end it all worked out, as my wife faded away and it was just me and the kids thing were just ok. The thing was after years of this adultorus life style my wife came back. Brother it was a very long road and I don't recomment it.

If I had to do it all over again i would have stepped up so many years ago and showed her the tough love and consequences she needed to turn around sooner. An one of the biggest consequences i should have made her face was a divorce. At the very least I should have had her served and see if she came out of the fog sooner and I could have withdrawn the filing.

Don't be like me and sit around for 13 years, take the action now and if divorce is were your heading then lets hope the kids can now see a happerier healthier father with the self respect that every father diserves to show there kids.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Brother, if you don't take action now, its only a matter of time before you go to bed together, wake up in the middle of the night to find her gone and then wake up with her next to you stinking of cigs and booze. Atleast thats what was happening towards the end when I finally had enough.

The point here is this behavior will snow ball as you can already tell!

Do something about it and don't let her emotionally blackmail you with the kids, her kids are the furthest thing from her mind. To her they are only tools to keep you around.

We all diserve good thing stop being affraid, get that door mat off your back and stand up and make a plan and work the plan.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My god I just noticed your kids ages....thats about the same time my chick went off the deep end. In six years your oldest will be driving and your WW will be off the reservation by then. 

You don't don't have to live like this. Its not worth it to the kids...I know. I can tell you , you are doing more harm then good by tolorating there mother adultorus life style.

The both of you are giving a very poor examble of a unhealthy relationship...her for behaving like a 18 yr old tramp and you tolorating it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry for the rant, this one hit close to home.


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## LiamN (Nov 5, 2012)

It sounds like you have a belief that "divorce would have a negative effect on my children". But staying in a loveless marriage will have a worse effect!
If one of your children was grown up and in a loveless marriage and they asked you for advice what would you say? Stay and be miserable or have the courage to go out and seek to live the happiest and best life possible.
Remember, you are a huge example to your children. Don't underestimate that.


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## directions (Nov 21, 2012)

I just cant understand why I let me heart do more thinking than my brain. For instance, I know she cheated on my this weekend, but it is so easy for her to explain her actions and get me to thinking I am the one that is crazy. I know better, so I have the thoughts of "digging" for the truth, then I talk myself out of that because of what answer I will find. I know she lies to me all the time, I still worry about a divorce. We never fight in front of our kids, much less, fight at all, so I know they will be blindsided by this and it hurts and makes me angry all at the same time


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

ITs tough man so you have to work on your self and have the confidence to let her go. Go out and spend some time with the kids with out there mom. The kids will help you atay grounded while you navigate getting your self respect back. But you do have to get out and work on making your self a better, more emotionally healthier person.

Its not the lack of fighting that is effecting the kids, it the lack of mothering your wife is providing by not staying home with the family and going out all night.

You can't tell me she is a good mother when she is out all the time, and when she is home that cell phone of hers is glued to her hands.

Take action not for the marriage but for the hope that your filing for divorce will make her turn a corner and be there for her kids

Have you heard of the 180?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your kids diserve a better father then a man that lets his wife walk all over him.

Iv'e been down the same road brother, its not worth it, life is to short to be afraid.

Face this evil and gather the proof you can throw in her face and make a clear and confident statement that you will no longer share your wife.

Its hard to face but once you do you will no longer be faced as crazy and your wife can no longer go off and laughs about how blind you are.

Face your self now and get your self respect back, your kids diserve better.

I biried my head for 13 years it is not worth it. Life is to short!


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

I have an idea.

If your house is big enough, sleep in different rooms. 

If you can tolerate her, then move on. Have an open relationship.

That way, the kids maintain their stability as well as two loving parents. 

You may also want to file for separation if you're worried about finances, but personally I've begun to favor the idea of some sort of mutual parenthood outside marriage.


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## directions (Nov 21, 2012)

Thank you all for your comments. After this last episode (she disappeard over the weekend, no phone call, no note, nothing), then at 9pm saturday, sends me a text stating "sorry, got carried away shopping, going to find a hotel and spend the night" This was after repeated calls to her cell that went unanswered. The town she was in was over 2 hours away. I was furious, I called her again and she answered and I accused her of more cheating, of course, she denied as she always does. Funny how she can not come up with a reciept for a hotel room!

The part she doesnt get is how worried my oldest was about her. He knew she should have been home, but wasnt, he knew she should have called, but didnt. The next morning when she was not home and he peaked inside our bedroom, you could see the worry on his face, so I have to lie to put him at ease. I tell her these things and she thinks I am making them up and trying to use the boys against her....she is like a drug addict that will do or say anything to get her fix. I will no longer be keeping the "home fires burning" and move on with my life for my boys and myself.


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