# Is it easier the second time?



## herewegoagain (Feb 7, 2012)

I am new here and just wanted to introduce myself. I am 34 yrs old and my wife has told me she wants to move out "trial separation". This is our second marriage to each other we were married for five years right out of High School had 3 wonderful boys, she left me then for another man and we were divorced for almost 5 yrs.

During the 5 yrs of our first divorce I never got over her I didn't even date another women for nearly three years following the divorce it was the hardest point in my life. She remarried in that time and then suddenly while she was still married to husband number two stopped me when we were doing the kid exchange and told me she should have never left she still had feelings etc. 

She divorced her second husband and over the coming months we rekindled our relationship remarried and had another baby. (She was desperately wanting a girl and constantly pushed for the fourth whom I love dearly but didn't think was the best idea) Baby number four is also a boy so my wife again starts pushing for another child this time to adopt a girl.

Finally last fall I just say I cant do it we need to love the family we have. Afterwards she starts to become distant and tells me last week it is over but not because of the baby, she just can't stand to be around me anymore. We were very happy up until I refused to have/adopt the fifth child.

Even typing this I realize how much of a fool I am, but I don't know if I can do this again. Divorce for me was so hard last time and it doesn't feel like this time will be any easier. I love my children dearly and I can't stand how this is breaking there heart.

I have no real friends and my family has always thought I was crazy for even giving her a second chance. I live in the country outside of a small town so hobbies/social life are very hard to come by.

The worst part is that when we got back together before I was finally almost over her and now I have to start the whole process over.


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

That is a tough one. She does not seem to be committed to anything but her own wants and needs at the moment. Can't see the forest for the trees.

If you want to keep the marriage going see if you can work on it in MC.


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Damn.

The 2nd chance you gave her should have come with a lot of conditions which you failed to draw.

Have you ruled out the possibility of an affair on her end? She sure has a history and is again showing the signs.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

herewego,

What was her childhood like?


----------



## herewegoagain (Feb 7, 2012)

She has refused to go to a MC, I confronted her tonight about an affair she says there is no one but she basically likes or whatever someone from her job.

Her childhood was the same, her mom married 3 times and moved them across the country away from their dad. The middle step dad abused her brother pretty bad.

The worst is she can't find a house in our kids school district so she wont leave the house. 

She is ok with leaving and has checked out, but she isn't sure she wants a divorce. What I find amazing is that I still don't want her to go, whats wrong with my head? 

Thanks for the replies its good to talk/type to someone.


----------



## Suemolly (Jun 19, 2011)

Its also the 2nd split for me from the same husband. And like the OP, I too was almost over my husband when I took him back the 2nd time and everyone told me I was a fool. No, its not easier the 2nd time round, in fact it hurts even more and I feel even angrier at myself for letting him hurt me again. The suffering was different in each case though. 

The 1st time, my health was affected more. I wilted to a mere 83 lbs and I felt pain in my nerves frequently. Much of it was related to fear and anxiety. 

The 2nd time, the suffering was largely anger, and less anxiety. My health was less affected but the pain of betrayal felt more raw and deep. 

I too live outside the big city and it is sort of quiet and lonely where I am. I have not dated since my husband left 8 months ago and I feel that being away from the social scene for a while has helped tremendously in the healing. I feel more at peace with myself. And one day if I were to end up with someone, its because I really wanted to be with him, and not because I needed a replacement to help me deal with the pain.


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> What I find amazing is that I still don't want her to go, whats wrong with my head?


Nothing.

She's forcing you into unpleasant situations outside your comfort zone. Any normal human being would react by trying to avoid it. The fact that you know how painful the healing process can be doesn't help your case much either.

Based on your last post, she's most likely already cheating on you. Let her go. She's never going to be happy in life. Very sad, I know.

I feel for you man.


----------



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

synthetic said:


> Damn.
> 
> The 2nd chance you gave her should have come with a lot of conditions which you failed to draw.


I totally agree. Unfortunately, situations like this happen all too frequently.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## herewegoagain (Feb 7, 2012)

synthetic said:


> Nothing.
> 
> She's forcing you into unpleasant situations outside your comfort zone. Any normal human being would react by trying to avoid it. The fact that you know how painful the healing process can be doesn't help your case much either.
> 
> ...


I am afraid you are right. The kids seem to be taking it well, I just need to concentrate on there well being. One thing I do remember from before was that time heals all wounds.

It just took a lot longer last time then I want to wait this time.


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> It just took a lot longer last time then I want to wait this time.


It won't take as long this time because you're armed with knowledge.

Since a big aspect of the healing process is indeed physical, your body may have become much more agile at deflecting the painful episodes. You may come out of the other side in very short time this time, but expect to go through the initial shock and pain.


----------



## herewegoagain (Feb 7, 2012)

Well things are getting better. My wife is still leaving and divorce is eminent but I feel a ton better this week. I finally came to the realization that she just leaves when things get hard and I don't want to walk on eggshells the rest of my life wondering when it will happen again. 

I still wish she could see what she is doing and fight for our marriage, but I feel good that I will find that person in the future that is willing to fight for her family.

It is still hard because she hasn't found another house so we are still living together, but I feel like I am at peace with the situation and ready to move on.

The advice on here helped a ton so thanks to all and keep your heads up it will get better. I should know I have done it a couple times now. ;-)


----------



## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

Thank you for the update...I'm so glad you are feeling better.
A friend once asked me if I regretted anything.
Looking back, I will do it all over again, fall in love with someone long distance, give up everything to be with him, and devote my future with him.
Because why? I was happy back then, happier than I've ever been. And I at least knew that happiness. It didn't work now, but it's definitely better to try than to live in fear of being hurt all the time.


----------

