# Nothing in common with gamer husband



## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

I’m not sure what to do. Any advice???

Ive been with my husband for nearly 18 years, married for 14 years. I love him but we have never really had anything in common if I’m honest. My husband spends all his free time gaming online and I have mentioned it so many times over the years that it is too much but he is just as addicted as ever. I wish I had someone to go on hikes with or bike rides, or even someone who likes the same shows or movies as me but we are just so different in what we like. 

He loves me unconditionally and I can’t complain about the way he treats me. He is a wonderful loving and supportive husband. I just feel he hasn’t matured and I do everything for our family. I know he appreciates it though. I just want some excitement and often fantasies about other men that I have crushes on  but I would never hurt him by having an affair. 

He started working from home during Covid and he just never went back so now he just works and plays games all day and night.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It should be give and take, in these 18 yrs has he shown interest in your shows or movies or hiking with you? Vice versa have you ever showed interest in his games?

18 years and nothing in common? Kids?


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> It should be give and take, in these 18 yrs has he shown interest in your shows or movies or hiking with you? Vice versa have you ever showed interest in his games?
> 
> 18 years and nothing in common? Kids?


yep, 3 children. We have both tried to show interest in what the other is doing over the years but I guess we both just fall back into our own interests and it’s like we have to force ourselves to do what the other is interested in. We love each other, respect each other and have a good friendship. But there is no fun. Either I am forcing him to do something or sit through something he finds boring or vice versa. Can you go through your whole marriage bored and just being friends who deeply care for each other? I don’t want to change him because he wouldn’t be happy if he couldn’t do the things he loves. But at the same time the 12+ hours a day of gaming doesn’t exactly excite me


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Marsh_Mallow* said:


> yep, 3 children. We have both tried to show interest in what the other is doing over the years but I guess we both just fall back into our own interests and it’s like we have to force ourselves to do what the other is interested in. We love each other, respect each other and have a good friendship. But there is no fun. Either I am forcing him to do something or sit through something he finds boring or vice versa. Can you go through your whole marriage bored and just being friends who deeply care for each other? I don’t want to change him because he wouldn’t be happy if he couldn’t do the things he loves. But at the same time the 12+ hours a day of gaming doesn’t exactly excite me


How does he manage a FT job + you + 3 kids + 12 hours a day of gaming? How does a typical day play out? Are you guys still intimate?

Also games these days vary from simple cinematic experiences all the way to deep strategic simulations, if you at least find other forms of electronic media; such as shows/movies interesting curious how you never found one game (of the cinematic variety) interesting in 18 years. Vice versa as well does he watch no shows or movies? Or do you guys just not like anything together regardless of the medium? Has he ever went hiking with you either during your relationship?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Marsh_Mallow* said:


> yep, 3 children. We have both tried to show interest in what the other is doing over the years but I guess we both just fall back into our own interests and it’s like we have to force ourselves to do what the other is interested in. We love each other, respect each other and have a good friendship. But there is no fun. Either I am forcing him to do something or sit through something he finds boring or vice versa. Can you go through your whole marriage bored and just being friends who deeply care for each other? I don’t want to change him because he wouldn’t be happy if he couldn’t do the things he loves. But at the same time the 12+ hours a day of gaming doesn’t exactly excite me


I am sorry i am no help to you , i could not get involved with someone that I HAVE NOT THE SAME interests with and we are 24 : 7 together do the same job together we are now in a time of change and both are the type can turn our hand to many things but we seem to be drawing more to end up going into something new together more so than I do my thing and my wife do her thing ,


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Was he like this when you married him?


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> How does he manage a FT job + you + 3 kids + 12 hours a day of gaming? How does a typical day play out? Are you guys still intimate?
> 
> Also games these days vary from simple cinematic experiences all the way to deep strategic simulations, if you at least find other forms of electronic media; such as shows/movies interesting curious how you never found one game (of the cinematic variety) interesting in 18 years. Vice versa as well does he watch no shows or movies? Or do you guys just not like anything together regardless of the medium? Has he ever went hiking with you either during your relationship?


a typical day is usually… we both get up he starts work at his computer and I drop the kids off on my way to work and he plays games during the lulls or quiet periods throughout the day (I’ve seen it when I am home and it drives me crazy) and then when I get home, we have dinner and he plays games while I lay with our son to get him to sleep. He’ll come to bed around 11 or 12pm. On the weekends he may do a couple of things around the house but eventually ends up back online until 2am. Even when we have friends over he will play games. I host and he and his mate will play games. 

Yes we are, as much as you can be with 3 kids and not a lot of time. 

That’s true, there must be a lot of games I’m not aware of and I guess I could try to find one that I might be interested in. Maybe I haven’t tried hard enough there because I just don’t have the interest.

No not really, he isn’t interested in hiking or anything like that. Occasionally I will drag him out for a walk or something. I guess this is what I’m saying. We just have different interests. I wanted him to come to a recent music festival where we camped for 3 nights but it wasn’t his thing so I went with my sister in law. But at the same time he would never stop me doing anything like that and having fun.


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Was he like this when you married him?


 Yes, so I guess I knew what I was getting into lol. He has always been a gamer.


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> I am sorry i am no help to you , i could not get involved with someone that I HAVE NOT THE SAME interests with and we are 24 : 7 together do the same job together we are now in a time of change and both are the type can turn our hand to many things but we seem to be drawing more to end up going into something new together more so than I do my thing and my wife do her thing ,


I feel like we will end up the same. Just doing our own thing. It’s just not what I want


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

How’s your sex life? If it’s little to none, then you definitely have a roommate, not a husband. 

The problem is his gaming addiction. You didn’t mention his age, but I’m assuming 40+ based on how long you’ve been married. Gaming that much…heck even everyday IMO..is for kids not grown men with a wife, kids and career.

I would have a talk and let him know you are not happy and will not live this way anymore. Mention separation/divorce since he needs to know how serious you are. I would say mention MC too, but he doesn’t sound like someone who will want that. But might be worth a shot too.

You are a Walkaway Wife in the making. And he’s a perfect example of a guy that is clueless to your unhappiness, has ignored all the signs and will be shocked when you leave.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Marsh_Mallow* said:


> Yes, so I guess I knew what I was getting into lol. He has always been a gamer.


I guess it's got a bit extreme now... lol... the trouble is, if you don't have hobbies in common you both like, then it's a bit of a dead end. Or maybe you can sit down and have a chat and see if you can find activities you both enjoy to do together.


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> How’s your sex life? If it’s little to none, then you definitely have a roommate, not a husband.
> 
> The problem is his gaming addiction. You didn’t mention his age, but I’m assuming 40+ based on how long you’ve been married. Gaming that much…heck even everyday IMO..is for kids not grown men with a wife, kids and career.
> 
> ...


I don’t know, I guess it has its ups and downs. Sometimes twice or more a week and then sometimes barely once a month. I find it difficult to be ‘in the mood’ because I find the constant gaming unattractive. It is an instant turn off to me. But if I’m in the mood then sure I’ll go for it…but that isn’t because I wanted him sadly..and then I just go back to doing my own thing. He wonders why I’m not affectionate all the time.

He has just turned 40 actually. I have spoken to him about it so many times. I feel the same about it being for kids or at least only every now and then but I don’t want to belittle him either and tell him I want him to grow up and be someone different.
When I look at other husbands they seem a lot more ‘manly’ or take charge of things. I have to make all the decisions small and big and it would be nice if he took over some of it. But then the grass is always greener. I know not everything is what it appears to be and no one is perfect.


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> How’s your sex life? If it’s little to none, then you definitely have a roommate, not a husband.
> 
> The problem is his gaming addiction. You didn’t mention his age, but I’m assuming 40+ based on how long you’ve been married. Gaming that much…heck even everyday IMO..is for kids not grown men with a wife, kids and career.
> 
> ...


how do I make him realise without it seeming like I am making threats or belittling him?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

So OP, you're basically raising *4* kids, not 3.

Until you find the courage to speak up and tell your man-child that you're tired of carrying the load while he plays with his childish little video games, everything will continue to fall on *your *shoulders - and he'll continue to act like a 15 year old pimple-faced teenager addicted to Halo (or whatever it is the kids are playing now).

You may love him but it's pretty clear you're having a very hard time *respecting* him, which I completely understand. I couldn't respect a man who acts like this at 40 years old, either. Ugh.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I would tell him straight up that he’s got an amazing wife and family right in front of his face and he’s putting that in jeopardy because of online video games.

If he’s ok with that sentence, he’s a lost cause.

If not, then you need to have some concrete ideas of what you want him to do. Set aside one day a week or two days or whatever with no games. Perhaps setup an “exchange” day each week with him where you each do what the other person wants to do, together. Maybe take a trip once a month as a family to a park, beach, whatever. Leave the phones locked up so there is no gaming, reading about games, or interacting with Discord or whatever he uses.


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So OP, you're basically raising *4* kids, not 3.
> 
> Until you find the courage to speak up and tell your man-child that you're tired of carrying the load while he plays with his childish little video games, everything will continue to fall on *your *shoulders - and he'll continue to act like a 15 year old pimple-faced teenager addicted to Halo (or whatever it is the kids are playing now).
> 
> You may love him but it's pretty clear you're having a very hard time *respecting* him, which I completely understand. I couldn't respect a man who acts like this at 40 years old, either. Ugh.


Lol I absolutely know this is true..but at the same time, imagine having to tell sweet little Bambi he’s a man child and you want him to be more of a man. How do I do that without being a b&@*ch? Surely that is soul crushing to a man.


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

ccpowerslave said:


> I would tell him straight up that he’s got an amazing wife and family right in front of his face and he’s putting that in jeopardy because of online video games.
> 
> If he’s ok with that sentence, he’s a lost cause.
> 
> If not, then you need to have some concrete ideas of what you want him to do. Set aside one day a week or two days or whatever with no games. Perhaps setup an “exchange” day each week with him where you each do what the other person wants to do, together. Maybe take a trip once a month as a family to a park, beach, whatever. Leave the phones locked up so there is no gaming, reading about games, or interacting with Discord or whatever he uses.


that’s good advice…thank you


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Sounds like you married a boy, not a man.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

It doesn't sound like you have date nights?. Like away from home, kids overnight with g&g, get dressed up nice and spend the evening together.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Marsh_Mallow* said:


> I don’t know, I guess it has its ups and downs. Sometimes twice or more a week and then sometimes barely once a month. I find it difficult to be ‘in the mood’ because I find the constant gaming unattractive. It is an instant turn off to me. But if I’m in the mood then sure I’ll go for it…but that isn’t because I wanted him sadly..and then I just go back to doing my own thing. He wonders why I’m not affectionate all the time.
> 
> He has just turned 40 actually. I have spoken to him about it so many times. I feel the same about it being for kids or at least only every now and then but I don’t want to belittle him either and tell him I want him to grow up and be someone different.
> When I look at other husbands they seem a lot more ‘manly’ or take charge of things. I have to make all the decisions small and big and it would be nice if he took over some of it. But then the grass is always greener. I know not everything is what it appears to be and no one is perfect.


it is not much of a life for the kids , he in his own world and they are used to it they know him as he is and don't even reclaim him


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

gaming has the same effect on his brain as porn , so just treats and belittling is only driving a wadge between you 
trying to stop him from playing is like telling a drinker to stop or a smoker to give up the weed , gaming plays with the same part of the brain as porn and masturbation , he needs his fix of feel good hormone,

even sex is not as important to him and has less of an effect for him that you .

it is a bit like been hooked on drugs the want to change has to come from him , just while he has his job and happy to trade his wages for time on his game he is not going to change , no need to change mammy will clean the house and she will stop the kids fighting while he is on the game 

we often talk about other addictions having to hit the wall or rock bottom but many gamers don't know until the door is slammed and they wake up alone


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

Marsh_Mallow* said:


> I’m not sure what to do. Any advice???
> 
> Ive been with my husband for nearly 18 years, married for 14 years. I love him but we have never really had anything in common if I’m honest. My husband spends all his free time gaming online and I have mentioned it so many times over the years that it is too much but he is just as addicted as ever. I wish I had someone to go on hikes with or bike rides, or even someone who likes the same shows or movies as me but we are just so different in what we like.
> 
> ...


@Marsh_Mallow This is not the sort of thing you wait 14 years to discuss. When you guys made the decision to marry, was this part of the discussion? Did you negotiate anything with him when he proposed?

His gaming habits are a HUGE PROBLEM in my honest opinion. You need to talk about it as soon as possible.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

So basically, he spends little time with your children? Does he do anything with them at the weekends? Take them to clubs or sports? Play games with them? Talk to them?
To be honest this would drive me mad and I just wouldn't put up with it. You expect it of a 16-year-old but not a married man with children. You may need to sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms how desperately unhappy it is making you and how its badly affecting the children. Tell him that you don't think the marriage will last unless it stops.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

frenchpaddy said:


> gaming has the same effect on his brain as porn , so just treats and belittling is only driving a wadge between you
> trying to stop him from playing is like telling a drinker to stop or a smoker to give up the weed , gaming plays with the same part of the brain as porn and masturbation , he needs his fix of feel good hormone,
> 
> even sex is not as important to him and has less of an effect for him that you .
> ...


Hopefully he may stop if he thinks he may lose his family.


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> It doesn't sound like you have date nights?. Like away from home, kids overnight with g&g, get dressed up nice and spend the evening together.


No, never. I know we should do this


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> So basically, he spends little time with your children? Does he do anything with them at the weekends? Take them to clubs or sports? Play games with them? Talk to them?
> To be honest this would drive me mad and I just wouldn't put up with it. You expect it of a 16-year-old but not a married man with children. You may need to sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms how desperately unhappy it is making you and how its badly affecting the children. Tell him that you don't think the marriage will last unless it stops.


it does bother me that he doesn’t spend time with the kids. He has never been one to take them to sports or things like that. He’ll place games with them occasionally ☹


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Marsh_Mallow* said:


> No, never. I know we should do this


Absolutely you should do this. You can start that even today. Tell him to take you out, arrange for the kids to go somewhere and do it. That would be a perfect time for “the talk”.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> I would tell him straight up that he’s got an amazing wife and family right in front of his face and he’s putting that in jeopardy because of online video games.
> 
> If he’s ok with that sentence, he’s a lost cause.
> 
> If not, then you need to have some concrete ideas of what you want him to do. Set aside one day a week or two days or whatever with no games. Perhaps setup an “exchange” day each week with him where you each do what the other person wants to do, together. Maybe take a trip once a month as a family to a park, beach, whatever. Leave the phones locked up so there is no gaming, reading about games, or interacting with Discord or whatever he uses.


 very good advice but to brake the habit what ever they do together has to be out of the house 
his brain has been trained to be happy when he is at work and he can go for a day without his game it is set a plan to brake the gaming to do that he needs to do it slowly as this has installed over a long time ,
so she will have to agree to what ever it is for say 3h and build it up to a day then it has to go to 2 days and limit the gaming to just set amount of time 

i think he might be happy if work to this as he knows he is doing harm to himself and his kids will be gone before knows them ,


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Absolutely you should do this. You can start that even today. Tell him to take you out, arrange for the kids to go somewhere and do it. That would be a perfect time for “the talk”.


And by “the talk” I don't mean confrontation. You don't want to ruin the night.

“The talk” means “wow I’m really enjoying the evening, we should do this more often”.

That talk.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Marsh_Mallow* said:


> Lol I absolutely know this is true..but at the same time, imagine having to tell sweet little Bambi he’s a man child and you want him to be more of a man. How do I do that without being a b&@*ch? Surely that is soul crushing to a man.


What’s soul crushing to a man is when his wife and mother of his children falls for someone else and walks out the door. 

Someone above said that you are a Walk Away Wife in the making. I could not agree more.

It is just a matter of time whether that be days or weeks or a matter of months or even a year or more before Sven From Yoga or Steve From Accounting catches your eye and gives you a nudge nudge wink wink and you are out the door without looking back.

I’m not saying that to be offensive or judgemental towards you, just stating fact that you are human with needs for human connection that you are not getting at home.

So while you are afraid of being a b1tch, would you rather be an adulteress and one who leaves her husband for Kevin From Sales? 

And from your husband’s perspective, do you think he would rather you put the smack down on his video games, or would he rather you be in bed doing the wild thing with someone else while he trying to figure out how to make Hamburger Helper when he has the kids by himself for the weekend?

Which course of action do you think you both would rather contend with????


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> gaming has the same effect on his brain as porn , so just treats and belittling is only driving a wadge between you
> trying to stop him from playing is like telling a drinker to stop or a smoker to give up the weed , gaming plays with the same part of the brain as porn and masturbation , he needs his fix of feel good hormone,
> 
> even sex is not as important to him and has less of an effect for him that you .
> ...


True, although I would never compare a gaming addiction to a full blown drug addiction and can’t speak to what that must be like, it definitely negatively impacts our family and our happiness. I’m not sure what the solution is. Especially when he is so complacent and content with continuing the way he is. I would really like to see him go back to the office to work and get into a better routine but he just says he gets more work done at home and that everyone is working from home.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> What’s soul crushing to a man is when his wife and mother of his children falls for someone else and walks out the door.
> 
> Someone above said that you are a Walk Away Wife in the making. I could not agree more.
> 
> ...


 we have seen what you talk about in this post too often while you don't like an adulteress we understand how it is so easy for the right Kevin from sales to sweep her away


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> And by “the talk” I don't mean confrontation. You don't want to ruin the night.
> 
> “The talk” means “wow I’m really enjoying the evening, we should do this more often”.
> 
> That talk.


good idea, thank you. I’ll see what I can arrange with the kids and ask him to organise something. It may not be this week but in the next couple of weeks I’m sure we can make the time


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Marsh_Mallow* said:


> True, although I would never compare a gaming addiction to a full blown drug addiction and can’t speak to what that must be like, it definitely negatively impacts our family and our happiness. I’m not sure what the solution is. Especially when he is so complacent and content with continuing the way he is. I would really like to see him go back to the office to work and get into a better routine but he just says he gets more work done at home and that everyone is working from home.


between me and you he needs help from a pro to brake this , but to do that he needs to know that this is not right he needs to know that it is doing damage to his brain and how it is feeling his feel good factor


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> And by “the talk” I don't mean confrontation. You don't want to ruin the night.
> 
> “The talk” means “wow I’m really enjoying the evening, we should do this more often”.
> 
> That talk.


This might work for normal, healthy people who both are acting in good faith and both want the other to be happy. 

This guy is spending 12 hours a day playing with a joystick in his lap letting everything else in his life slide.

Even though he may be employed at the moment, his work is probably suffering too and it’s probably a matter of time before he gets into trouble there too. 

This isn’t something that will be resolved over dinner on a Saturday night,,, she is going to have to blow something up and take hostages before he wakes up and takes notice. 

@Marsh_Mallow* I know you are trying to avoid unpleasantness, but as a guy, he is probably not going to take notice of just talking and expressing your views and feelings. Guys don’t really work that way. 

You’re likely going to have to take an action that will shake him up enough to wake up and smell the coffee that his life is spiraling out of control. 

You have to do a Wife Strike where you cut him off sexually, stop talking to him, move out of the bedroom, stop cooking and doing his laundry or anything for him and start living your own life and not include him until he starts putting down the joystick and reengaging with you and the family.

The problem is he may actually dig that so he can play in peace.

He may have to actually lose something that impacts him before he takes notice and takes meaningful action.

You may actually have to pack up the kids and separate. You’re basically living as a single mother anyway now so if you move in with your parents or get an apartment and then drop the kids off with him to take care of them on weekends by himself so you can go wine tasting with your girlfriends, he may finally take notice and take it seriously.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Marsh_Mallow* said:


> good idea, thank you. I’ll see what I can arrange with the kids and ask him to organise something. It may not be this week but in the next couple of weeks I’m sure we can make the time


Baby steps. Doing this, along with some of the other ideas in this thread, should get you closer to what you need. So make it happen, even forcefully if you need to. ‘Cause we’re not pro-Kevin.


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> between me and you he needs help from a pro to brake this , but to do that he needs to know that this is not right he needs to know that it is doing damage to his brain and how it is feeling his feel good factor


You are probably right. He has even said that when he is worried or sad or anything really it’s the only thing he wants to do. But he just says it as though he just enjoys it and helps him relax and switch off. I think we are in a rut and this has been his way of escaping. When I’m in a rut I tend to throw myself into work because at work I can switch off and just focus on what I need to do. But at least I do that for a few hours during the day and return to family life at the end of the day. He barely leaves the house anymore


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> This might work for normal, healthy people who both are acting in good faith and both want the other to be happy.
> 
> This guy is spending 12 hours a day playing with a joystick in his lap letting everything else in his life slide.
> 
> ...


I don't disagree with most of your comment.. But there's no need to start the change by swinging bats if a little bit of honey will move the needle and start to wean him from the teat. No one thinks a Satuday night out will fix the problem but it's a first step toward many more of those, which could have a favorable impact.

And I also wouldn't avoid having that hard conversation “put down the joystick and join me in life”. But you don't have to start with that. Start with bonding and getting a channel of communication set up first.


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> This might work for normal, healthy people who both are acting in good faith and both want the other to be happy.
> 
> This guy is spending 12 hours a day playing with a joystick in his lap letting everything else in his life slide.
> 
> ...


good advise as well. I guess I could take the gentle approach in the first instance and then the more harsh approach if that fails.

Lol ‘wife strike’


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

Thank you for all the comments and advice (and analogies ). They’ve been so helpful and I really appreciate it. I hope I can make him realise. I certainly don’t ever want some Kevin to sweep me off my feet, but I can see how that does happen.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

This is why I don't play online games, single player you can pause, switch off at any time and don't play for weeks. Multiplayer you have people who draw you online and get you into commitments aside from your real life ones.

Suddenly there's neglect and blah blah blah

It's always the online games that get addicting and give gamers a bad rap like this. Do you have a friend or gamer friend who can talk some sense into your husband? You are right if you tell him off he's just going to brush you off, he may listen to someone 'in his world' though.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

It’s possible that marriage counseling could help. But even aside from how it’s affecting you, it’s not healthy to be gaming hours upon hours every day. I would imagine it’s affecting his health, sleep, eating habits, etc…

You say that he loves you unconditionally, but how he is expressing that?

I want to believe there’s always hope if two people love each other and are willing to try.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Marsh_Mallow* said:


> good advise as well. I guess I could take the gentle approach in the first instance and then the more harsh approach if that fails.
> 
> Lol ‘wife strike’


IMHO this is a more serious situation than even my fellow posters are appreciating at the moment. 

I do not believe the "gentle" approach will work as I think there is more going on here than a guy who simply likes to play video games in his spare time.  I think there is an actual problem taking place here. 

Let's meet in the middle here. As the other poster said above, you may not need to come out swinging the bat immediately, but I don't think there is room to sugar coat anything or take a soft approach. 

You can start with this dinner idea, but I don't think it should be framed as a nice dinner out on the town and then gently sway the conversation towards his gaming. 

I think you need to take the approach as an employer would with an employee who is not meeting performance expectations and is on the list for HR review and disciplinary procedure........ This is being called into the office for the verbal warning stage. 

You can have the dinner but it needs to be framed with the serious look on the face and the flat tone of voice saying the infamous, "we need to have a talk" and that there is a problem that needs to be addressed and this will be a serious conversation with serious ramifications if it is not taking seriously and immediate steps at corrective measures are not taken. 

Again, this is the verbal warning. A meeting is scheduled. The office door is shut. The vocal tones and facial expressions are serious. The issue is layed out describing exactly what the problem is and what corrective actions need to be taken to ensure continued employment and explanations are made clear on what the next steps in the process will be should compliance and performance expectations not be met. 

You can have the talk over a nice prime rib dinner at your favorite sit-down place. But there should be no question that the purpose is to discuss a serious matter and things are not OK at present.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Marsh_Mallow* said:


> how do I make him realise without it seeming like I am making threats or belittling him?


Well are your okay living the rest of your life like this? I assume not, which means you have considered divorce. So I’m all about not sugar-coating marriage talk. And sometimes us guys need to be hit over the head with a hammer of reality to realize the seriousness of the situation. So a serious talk is in order. Unless you are content living like this forever.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Marsh_Mallow* said:


> True, although I would never compare a gaming addiction to a full blown drug addiction


I understand what you're saying since people end up homeless from drugs. But from an addiction point of view, gaming isn’t much different. Like someone else mentioned, he made need professional help/counseling to break the habit. But I would start by telling him you’re not going to live like this anymore and that may mean divorce.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Reminds me of a mobile game I got in the past, I thought it would just pass the time when bored suddenly I got hooked. We banned multiplayer games since then.

Its the social element of it. Heck even bloody TAM is addicting 😑 (but the community is so funny and cool so lol) 

I reckon once in a relationship or fatherhood single player or co-op (with your partner) only. Pause or stop at any time with no commitments to online strangers and can be bonding with a partner.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

As a little mental exercise, I went ahead and started reading some posts in November of 2023 and found this interesting thread in the infidelity section by a guy named Gamer_Mallow. The thread is titled, "I can't believe she did this to me!"

"Dear TAM, I can't believe I am here writing this. My world has been turned upside down. My wife and I have been married for 19 years and have 3 great kids. She is the love of my life and we have always been good to each other and have gotten along well. Sure we have had some of the usual ups and downs that all couples that have been together a long time have such as I haven't always done as much around the house or with the kids that she would have liked and she has said she doesn't like me playing video games as much but it helps me unwind. I am fortunate that I am able to work from home so I am at least there if she or the kids need anything. But we have always gotten along and been there for each other. 

Other than the usual ups and downs we have always had a very solid marriage and I would have never dreamed she could ever do anything like this. A number of months ago, she started spending more time at work and started doing things with some of her coworkers like going on hikes and trips to some vineyards for wine tasting and she even started taking up pickleball with some of her work crowd. 

I thought this was a good way to get out and help her relieve some of her work stress because she had been getting very tense and even short with me quite a bit and always seeming to be irritated and snappy with me a home prior to her getting out more. 

I even appreciated that she seemed to be losing weight and dressing a lot better and doing her hair and nails more and looking very good. She has always been a good looking woman but in recent months I'd have to say she was looking downright HOT! 

But even though I liked that she was looking better and seemed to be happier and less snappy and cranky with me at home, things still seemed to drop off in the bedroom. She would come home, go right to the shower and get her clothes immediately into the wash and then she would be ready for bed and was just too tired and never in the mood for sex anymore. 

So you can imagine my shock and horror one night when she came home, put her clothes in the washer, took her shower and went to bed while I was up playing a video game with some friends. I was heading off to bed around midnight and when I came into the bedroom, her phone lit up but was on silent and I know I shouldn't have but I took a peek at the screen to see who was texting at midnight and to my horror it was from a guy listed as Kevin From Sales in her contacts and he was saying how much he loves "that little thing" she does to him and that he can't wait until they can,, and I quote, "Do it again!" unquote. 

Can she really be cheating??? Do WHAT again????? And what is this "Little thing" that she did for him? We haven't had sex in almost a year and prior to that the only thing she would do was just lay there and refuse to do anything but regular missionary while telling me to hurry up and finish and not mess around. 

And now some guy from work is texting her in the middle of the night telling her he loves some special thing she does for HIM but not for me. WTF???

We had a good marriage and I make a good living and I am home every day. What more could she want?? I am just blown away and devastated and don't know what to do. HELP!!"


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

oldshirt said:


> As a little mental exercise, I went ahead and started reading some posts in November of 2023 and found this interesting thread in the infidelity section by a guy named Gamer_Mallow. The thread is titled, "I can't believe she did this to me!"
> 
> "Dear TAM, I can't believe I am here writing this. My world has been turned upside down. My wife and I have been married for 19 years and have 3 great kids. She is the love of my life and we have always been good to each other and have gotten along well. Sure we have had some of the usual ups and downs that all couples that have been together a long time have such as I haven't always done as much around the house or with the kids that she would have liked and she has said she doesn't like me playing video games as much but it helps me unwind. I am fortunate that I am able to work from home so I am at least there if she or the kids need anything. But we have always gotten along and been there for each other.
> 
> ...


Well well... the story of Mallows... coincidence?


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Marsh_Mallow* said:


> I’m not sure what to do. Any advice???
> 
> Ive been with my husband for nearly 18 years, married for 14 years. I love him but we have never really had anything in common if I’m honest. My husband spends all his free time gaming online and I have mentioned it so many times over the years that it is too much but he is just as addicted as ever. I wish I had someone to go on hikes with or bike rides, or even someone who likes the same shows or movies as me but we are just so different in what we like.
> 
> ...


Fantasizing about other men, real men is dangerous ground. You may think you’d never have an affair but.. you’re already on track to hurt him simply because of your thoughts. Could you tell him this and it not hurt him? Doubtful.

You need to do more than just mention how you’re feeling. You need to have a sit down and truly explain just how disconnected you feel.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

I'm a bit of a gaming addict so I will lend some advice. 

The stuff is addictive. For some people, gaming is just more interesting and entertaining than real life so they spend most of their real life gaming. I've gone through those stages myself. Now I lead a more balanced life. 

You need to have a hard talk with your husband. Tell him you love him but he is sacrificing his family for his games. Be stern about it because he probably never even thinks about it. Let him know some things need to change. You don't need him to quit gaming, but you do need him to start being a husband and father and gaming 10 hours a day takes away from his role in your family.

With all that said, you seem like you are unwilling to compromise. You married a gamer guy and you have no interest in gaming, but you expect him to take interest in your hobbies. You want him to join you for a date night but you don't wanna join him for a gaming night. You guys maybe just aren't a good match. Lastly, if my wife ever insinuated that my gaming hobby was immature and somehow made me less of an adult/man and that her hobbies are more mature, she wouldn't have to threaten to leave, I'd pack her bags for her.


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> This is why I don't play online games, single player you can pause, switch off at any time and don't play for weeks. Multiplayer you have people who draw you online and get you into commitments aside from your real life ones.
> 
> Suddenly there's neglect and blah blah blah
> 
> It's always the online games that get addicting and give gamers a bad rap like this. Do you have a friend or gamer friend who can talk some sense into your husband? You are right if you tell him off he's just going to brush you off, he may listen to someone 'in his world' though.


There isn’t really anyone I can talk to about it or ask to speak to him. No one I’d feel comfortable broaching the subject with.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Marsh_Mallow* said:


> I’m not sure what to do. Any advice???
> 
> Ive been with my husband for nearly 18 years, married for 14 years. I love him but we have never really had anything in common if I’m honest. My husband spends all his free time gaming online and I have mentioned it so many times over the years that it is too much but he is just as addicted as ever. I wish I had someone to go on hikes with or bike rides, or even someone who likes the same shows or movies as me but we are just so different in what we like.
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry. He just prefers to disconnect and isolate. Do you think he would go to marriage counseling to rattle his cage a little and make him understand how this is depriving you of companionship? Maybe if you did marriage counseling even at home via zoom or something you could reach some sort of compromise where he made some effort to do things you want to do and maybe you join him and gaming every now and then. 

Otherwise I would say try to connect with friends or even maybe work more so you're at least not bored and also meet people and have some new people to maybe be friends with. And there are hiking meetups and groups and that sort of thing as well. You might even if you have any interest in animals take up volunteering for a pet rescue or fostering pets and that would give you some interaction with people as well.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Marsh_Mallow* said:


> There isn’t really anyone I can talk to about it or ask to speak to him. No one I’d feel comfortable broaching the subject with.


Your problem isn’t really his addiction. It’s that your marriage is in jeopardy. So I would start looking into MC. They know how to navigate addictions in marriage. If the counselor thinks he needs professional help, they can refer him to someone. And it will help coming from the counselor and not you. 

If you don’t want to talk to him directly about his gaming, go broader. Tell him you’re not happy in the marriage. That he’s not spending time with you and the kids, etc. Then mention MC.


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> As a little mental exercise, I went ahead and started reading some posts in November of 2023 and found this interesting thread in the infidelity section by a guy named Gamer_Mallow. The thread is titled, "I can't believe she did this to me!"
> 
> "Dear TAM, I can't believe I am here writing this. My world has been turned upside down. My wife and I have been married for 19 years and have 3 great kids. She is the love of my life and we have always been good to each other and have gotten along well. Sure we have had some of the usual ups and downs that all couples that have been together a long time have such as I haven't always done as much around the house or with the kids that she would have liked and she has said she doesn't like me playing video games as much but it helps me unwind. I am fortunate that I am able to work from home so I am at least there if she or the kids need anything. But we have always gotten along and been there for each other.
> 
> ...


Wow, this is so well written and puts things into perspective.


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Well well... the story of Mallows... coincidence?


it is such a well written glance into the further. Hopefully not the case though and things don’t come to this.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Marsh_Mallow* said:


> it is such a well written glance into the further. Hopefully not the case though and things don’t come to this.


Agree, so take action now so that we never see “Gamer_Mallow” here posting that story.

Nice job @oldshirt


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Maybe a starting compromise, he quits his online gaming and plays this with you instead:






It's a co operative game with two players, story is about a husband and wife about to divorce so their daughter makes a magic wish and makes her parents toy size and then her parents have to learn to reconcile their differences to return home 😅

Maybe this may ween him off his online friends to at least direct his attention towards his family. Also it's coop/single player and best part about it, he can't play without you lol


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

Enigma32 said:


> I'm a bit of a gaming addict so I will lend some advice.
> 
> The stuff is addictive. For some people, gaming is just more interesting and entertaining than real life so they spend most of their real life gaming. I've gone through those stages myself. Now I lead a more balanced life.
> 
> ...


I’ve never expected him to be interested in my hobbies and I admit that I find it hard to be interested in gaming. I really don’t enjoy it. Maybe I haven’t found the right game or maybe you are right…I often wonder if we were a good match to begin with but we did it anyway. We were young and we still love each other. 
I think that the level of playing is immature because it is impacting our family and I see other husbands doing other family oriented activities and that makes me sad. A hobby is something you enjoy and can do when you have free time. It shouldn’t consume your life. Yes, it isn’t about making him quit, but rather spending a balanced healthy amount of time playing games.


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Maybe a starting compromise, he quits his online gaming and plays this with you instead:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I vaguely remember hearing about this before actually. I may have to give it a try


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Marsh_Mallow* said:


> But he just says it as though he just enjoys it and helps him relax and switch off.


this is how it affects ones brain , 








Gaming Disorder and Effects of Gaming on Health: An Overview


<strong>Introduction:</strong> A video game is any software program that can be played on a computing device, such as a personal computer, gaming console or mobile phone.




www.peertechzpublications.com




i can tell you heavy gaming is the exact same effect as heavy porn use and feeds the mind in the same way only difference in he is not getting sexually stimulated


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Marsh_Mallow* said:


> I vaguely remember hearing about this before actually. I may have to give it a try


I recommend it! Perhaps the game will teach him a few things too.

However make sure he does his part too if you make this compromise, the online gaming has to stop. I don't want you to game with him 1-2 hrs in this and then he goes back to his online game and neglect you for the next 10 hrs 🙄 Then that would be a waste...


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Pickleball?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You shouldn't have to start gaming to have something in common with or stay with your husband.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

*Deidre* said:


> It’s possible that marriage counseling could help. But even aside from how it’s affecting you, it’s not healthy to be gaming hours upon hours every day. I would imagine it’s affecting his health, sleep, eating habits, etc…
> 
> You say that he loves you unconditionally, but how he is expressing that?
> 
> I want to believe there’s always hope if two people love each other and are willing to try.


He's just escaping and isolating. Games are built to give you that constant and regular attaboy validation, little rewards constantly, and that's what's addicting about them.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> Pickleball?


There is precedent. 

There was a thread here awhile back where some WW got into some pickleball league with her OM and traveled all over with him.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> There is precedent.
> 
> There was a thread here awhile back where some WW got into some pickleball league with her OM and traveled all over with him.


Yes, and there was another if I recall where there were many red flags about wife and a pickelball obsession, but in that case it was innocent. Pickleball seems to be a popular sport for questionable behavior. Maybe it belongs on the marriage “no-fly” list along with nite nursing and teaching.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Yes, and there was another if I recall where there were many red flags about wife and a pickelball obsession, but in that case it was innocent. Pickleball seems to be a popular sport for questionable behavior. Maybe it belongs on the marriage “no-fly” list along with nite nursing and teaching.


Let's not forget running groups. .... and yoga classes (Sven is always on the hunt) 

Oh and secretaries, flight attendants, personal trainers and female police officers and dispatchers. 


Let's see, what female dominated professions, occupations and sports/fitness activities are OK??? Hmmmmmm


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Let's not forget running groups. .... and yoga classes (Sven is always on the hunt)
> 
> Oh and secretaries, flight attendants, personal trainers and female police officers and dispatchers.
> 
> ...


How about sewing? That would be safe I think.
My wife is a cook in a middle school, and although I desperately search for red flags, I have found none yet. Am I being naive? 

🤣


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> Pickleball?


Have no clue what that is, but seems to be the sport of choice for single women.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> How about sewing? That would be safe I think.
> My wife is a cook in a middle school, and although I desperately search for red flags, I have found none yet. Am I being naive?
> 
> 🤣


Keep your eye on the 18 year old that’s been held back every year. Only kid with facial hair. And the janitor 😂


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> How about sewing? That would be safe I think.
> My wife is a cook in a middle school, and although I desperately search for red flags, I have found none yet. Am I being naive?
> 
> 🤣


I'd be leary of what the lunch lady and the school custodian are up to once lunch is over, the kids are gone and the kitchen has been cleaned and lunch room floor has been mopped. There may be more cooking down in the school lunchroom besides gulash.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> I'd be leary of what the lunch lady and the school custodian are up to once lunch is over, the kids are gone and the kitchen has been cleaned and lunch room floor has been mopped. There may be more cooking down in the school lunchroom besides gulash.


i am waiting for the ebook to come out judging by his last work I can't wait for it


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> Pickleball?


As soon as I saw that, I knew the marriage was doomed.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Just last night, I purchased the newer version of hubby's favorite online game for him (the only one he plays). More about that later, but first:

A long time ago, I got so peeved that my husband was playing on his Playstation that I yanked a cord out. I yanked it in such a way that I accidentally broke the port that it was plugged into and the Playstation was useless. I had no idea at the time that I broke it but when my husband came up to me later and told me, I told him it must've been an act of God. I mean, I didn't mean to break it, perhaps God saw how his online gaming was negatively affecting us! I know that's silly of me to say, but I said it to him.

That was the start of the conversations that him playing the game too much was an issue. There were times the conversations got heated--those conversations were garbage (not helpful). But, when we sat down to have a heart to heart conversation, that helped.

I told him that it really hurt my feelings and made me super sad that he played this game so much that it made me feel alone. I also gently asked him why he would want to have a wife and kids if he was going to spend so much time playing a game online.

He played online with other people, including two who were his friends/coworkers and both single. I reminded him that those two friends would give anything to have a nice family life with a wife and kids, and if they did, they wouldn't be playing online games, or at least not that much.

Hubby knew that was true because they were always telling him how lucky he was. For example, they'd eat his half his lunch at work, that were leftovers from dinner or even tuna sandwiches, and they'd tell hubby how lucky he was to have someone who makes him lunch for work every day.

Hubby told his gamer friends that he was cutting back and would only be on at a certain time for a certain amount of time. His real life friends/coworkers agreed with his decision and told hubby he was spending too much time playing.

All of that was awhile back.

Just last night, I purchased the newer version of hubby's favorite game for him (the only one he plays), that he really wanted but would not purchase for himself. He was so surprised. He kept thanking me last night. He has kept his promise all this time and only plays for a period of time that doesn't interfere with anything.

As for this:


Marsh_Mallow* said:


> I wish I had someone to go on hikes with or bike rides, or even someone who likes the same shows or movies as me but we are just so different in what we like.


I LOVE shopping. Going to the mall makes me very happy. Not so much hubby! I will go with friends or solo. I enjoy watching many of the "The Real Housewives" shows. Not so much hubby! I watch those shows solo. We will pick a movie we're both interested in watching and watch it together, but also hubby will give in and watch a movie with me that doesn't interest him and I do the same for him.

Your husband loves you and if you have a serious heart to heart conversation, without any reservations (like, don't feel silly or that it's a blow to your ego if you say it hurts your feelings, that you feel lonely...etc.), I'm pretty sure that it will be a good first step.

Just my thoughts.
I wish you all the best.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He's just escaping and isolating. Games are built to give you that constant and regular attaboy validation, little rewards constantly, and that's what's addicting about them.


I don’t disagree - there’s nothing wrong with gaming, but to not be present in your marriage over it, is when it becomes a problem.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

*Deidre* said:


> I don’t disagree - there’s nothing wrong with gaming, but to not be present in your marriage over it, is when it becomes a problem.


I play a casino slot game that I let get out of hand. I'm good for nothing in the morning anyway, so I play it when I first wake up and check my correspondence and all. But was spending too much money on it. I'm getting a little better, spending less, learned how to save up things to use to get done with the daily challenges sooner. Today I played for an hour, and then I worked for just a short while before going to brunch and then to the grocery store. But some days it is more. Some days I got to where I could finish the week early and didn't need to play at all, but then the game devised a scheme to keep you engaged daily, although that is still evolving. 

So I get it, but life takes priority over escapism. It's idiotic to spend real money on intangibles in a game. I liken it to smoking, something to do with my hands sometimes and a lot of wasted money literally better spend anywhere else.

This is the gamer generation and I do believe it also has something to do with why so many of them don't want to work and feel it doesn't pay enough, because they're used to wasting money on games and don't want to be at work where they can't play them. It's not a coincidence.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I play a casino slot game that I let get out of hand. I'm good for nothing in the morning anyway, so I play it when I first wake up and check my correspondence and all. But was spending too much money on it. I'm getting a little better, spending less, learned how to save up things to use to get done with the daily challenges sooner. Today I played for an hour, and then I worked for just a short while before going to brunch and then to the grocery store. But some days it is more. Some days I got to where I could finish the week early and didn't need to play at all, but then the game devised a scheme to keep you engaged daily, although that is still evolving.
> 
> So I get it, but life takes priority over escapism. It's idiotic to spend real money on intangibles in a game. I liken it to smoking, something to do with my hands sometimes and a lot of wasted money literally better spend anywhere else.
> 
> This is the gamer generation and I do believe it also has something to do with why so many of them don't want to work and feel it doesn't pay enough, because they're used to wasting money on games and don't want to be at work where they can't play them. It's not a coincidence.


How are people even entertained with slot games?!  

Also not all games utilise the predatory monetisation and addictive design choices found in... well most games these days I admit sadly... they are also targeting children by putting gambling in the games, including simple sports games.

You buy a basketball game for your kid and here's the gameplay:


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

so_sweet said:


> Just last night, I purchased the newer version of hubby's favorite online game for him (the only one he plays). More about that later, but first:
> 
> A long time ago, I got so peeved that my husband was playing on his Playstation that I yanked a cord out. I yanked it in such a way that I accidentally broke the port that it was plugged into and the Playstation was useless. I had no idea at the time that I broke it but when my husband came up to me later and told me, I told him it must've been an act of God. I mean, I didn't mean to break it, perhaps God saw how his online gaming was negatively affecting us! I know that's silly of me to say, but I said it to him.
> 
> ...


As a rule I reckon if you ask your husband to stop and spend time with you or his family (OP has 3 kids!), and if he doesn't stop immediately than there's a problem.

Seriously just save the game and exit. Though... you just can't do that with online games. That's the problem. Hell some games even punish people for going "AFK" or "Away From Keyboard" and the matches can last hours. I can't commit myself to a game like that even if I want to, so I never play the popular games the kids play


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> How are people even entertained with slot games?!


By watching Gunsmoke at the same time, of course!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Been there. I was way too into gaming. I would pull all nighters and not even realize it till the sun came up or my wife was getting ready for work. I needed a 2x4 upside my head to realize it. One thing that did it was my wife pulled up a report that the Xbox generated. It showed I had played 220 hours in a month. That is more than a full time job. Tell him he is ****ing up his marriage and family for a fake reality. Odds are he is neglecting his job as well by doing it during his "down time".


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

May sound like a bad idea, but just freaking destroy the gaming consoles and laptop and whatever else he uses to game on! Sounds extreme right. Well he's addicted and won't stop whatever else you do. So time for put up or get out time! It's gone to far for to long. Hopefully you value your marriage more than the costs of this gaming stuff, but he will not stop till a life changing event occurs! He either joins the real world with you and the kids or he can depart, what's it matter at that point. What kind of husband and father has he been this far? A little here, a little there? Ignores friends? It's humiliating! And abusive emotionally to you and the children. Think about it.


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Pickleball?


I hadn’t heard of Pickleball. I had to Google it


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Marsh_Mallow* said:


> I hadn’t heard of Pickleball. I had to Google it


I had to google it the first time I heard it too. Seems like a few of the betrayed stories on here started with pickelball.

Hence the gamer joke by @In Absentia


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

so_sweet said:


> Just last night, I purchased the newer version of hubby's favorite online game for him (the only one he plays). More about that later, but first:
> 
> A long time ago, I got so peeved that my husband was playing on his Playstation that I yanked a cord out. I yanked it in such a way that I accidentally broke the port that it was plugged into and the Playstation was useless. I had no idea at the time that I broke it but when my husband came up to me later and told me, I told him it must've been an act of God. I mean, I didn't mean to break it, perhaps God saw how his online gaming was negatively affecting us! I know that's silly of me to say, but I said it to him.
> 
> ...


It sounds like you and your husband have found a really nice balance. I hope we can do this too. I will give it a go 🤞Thank you


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

This is the gamer generation and I do believe it also has something to do with why so many of them don't want to work
[/QUOTE]

Sometimes I worry that he doesn’t want to work because of it and because he is in a bit of a rut.


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> This is the gamer generation and I do believe it also has something to do with why so many of them don't want to work and feel it doesn't pay enough, because they're used to wasting money on games and don't want to be at work where they can't play them. It's not a coincidence.


Sometimes I do actually worry that he doesn’t want to work because of it and because he is in a bit of a rut. If anything ever happens to his job it would obviously be really hard.


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> As a rule I reckon if you ask your husband to stop and spend time with you or his family (OP has 3 kids!), and if he doesn't stop immediately than there's a problem.
> 
> Seriously just save the game and exit. Though... you just can't do that with online games. That's the problem. Hell some games even punish people for going "AFK" or "Away From Keyboard" and the matches can last hours. I can't commit myself to a game like that even if I want to, so I never play the popular games the kids play


yep that’s the problem, you can’t just pause the game online. I am forever waiting for a game to end.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Marsh_Mallow* said:


> Sometimes I do actually worry that he doesn’t want to work because of it and because he is in a bit of a rut. If anything ever happens to his job it would obviously be really hard.


If he lets it affect his work, he needs professional help!


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Marsh_Mallow* said:


> how do I make him realise without it seeming like I am making threats or belittling him?


Jesus, he's 40 and spending 12 hours a day gaming. Belittle him already. With that many hours in he should be a signed professional gamer at this point. My son was a pro fortnite player at 14, he was offered a contract with Faze for over 40k a year plus endorsements with red bull, lenovo and razer. He made over 100k between March 2020 and April 2021 from streaming on twitch and tournament winnings. Ninja approached him about teaming for competitive around the same time he got his offer from Faze. My son realized the gaming was taking over his life and he stopped dead, and focused on a social life and playing lacrosse. 

Here's a painful reality for you. Your husband is an addict, plain and simple. The gaming for him is like heroine for someone else. You need to approach it the same way.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Correct my errors, but:
You never go on dates
He doesn’t help around the house 
Your sex life is fair to poor
He ignores your kids 
He shows no interest in your desires
He’s been like this for over a decade

I would say he’s an addict and a rotten husband

If you don’t confront and get a response to change, leave

He’s not a catch. He’s a 14 year old in a grown ass man’s body and you enable it


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I'm wondering if he has a sensible older sibling or parent he listens to that can help you talk to him about this, like maybe his dad or a successfully married older brother. He's lost in this. I'm glad you say he's good otherwise, so it's worth saving, but jeez, he has to be the one to save it!

He really isn't treating you right if he's not listening to you about this. He needs an intervention. Listen, my sister, in the early days of PC gaming, got addicted to a game where you chat to others and make up your own character. I guess it was so much better than her real life that she literally almost lost her house over it and wasn't taking care of her pets or anything. Her clients would call ME to go over to her house and try to get her to contact them. I mean, she ran it all the way into the ground. She was older than your husband at the time and didn't have anyone or a very good life, but boy did she get hooked on pretending to be someone else online. She wasn't paying her bills or anything. 

So it can be serious.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Marsh_Mallow* said:


> True, although I would never compare a gaming addiction to a full blown drug addiction and can’t speak to what that must be like, it definitely negatively impacts our family and our happiness. I’m not sure what the solution is. Especially when he is so complacent and content with continuing the way he is. I would really like to see him go back to the office to work and get into a better routine but he just says he gets more work done at home and that everyone is working from home.


It is 100% the same. 100%. And there are studies that prove this. And there are resources to address it just like drugs. Gaming addiction. Just google video game addiction.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Marsh_Mallow* said:


> I don’t know, I guess it has its ups and downs. Sometimes twice or more a week and then sometimes barely once a month. I find it difficult to be ‘in the mood’ because I find the constant gaming unattractive. It is an instant turn off to me. But if I’m in the mood then sure I’ll go for it…but that isn’t because I wanted him sadly..and then I just go back to doing my own thing. He wonders why I’m not affectionate all the time.
> 
> He has just turned 40 actually. I have spoken to him about it so many times. I feel the same about it being for kids or at least only every now and then but I don’t want to belittle him either and tell him I want him to grow up and be someone different.
> When I look at other husbands they seem a lot more ‘manly’ or take charge of things. I have to make all the decisions small and big and it would be nice if he took over some of it. But then the grass is always greener. I know not everything is what it appears to be and no one is perfect.


Of course it's a big turnoff when your grown-ass husband is still behaving like a little boy! What's to be excited about?


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> As a rule I reckon if you ask your husband to stop and spend time with you or his family (OP has 3 kids!), and if he doesn't stop immediately than there's a problem.


I understand what you're saying, but my husband didn't stop "immediately" -- as in he didn't stop playing so much the moment I mentioned it. It took more than one conversation. We'd talk and then each would have some things to think about and then we'd talk about it again. I'm very happy that it isn't an issue at all anymore!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Is he just playing games, or is he playing games and checking out porn sites in between games? I am assuming you are feeling pretty lonely and thinking this is not the way marriage should look. Sounds like you have addressed this with your husband without success. Have you though of marriage counseling? You most certainly have reason for your feelings and my advise is not not just sit and let this continue to play out as it won't change without effort on both of your parts. He has to be onboard at finding an interest that you both can participate in.


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

AVR1962 said:


> Is he just playing games, or is he playing games and checking out porn sites in between games? I am assuming you are feeling pretty lonely and thinking this is not the way marriage should look. Sounds like you have addressed this with your husband without success. Have you though of marriage counseling? You most certainly have reason for your feelings and my advise is not not just sit and let this continue to play out as it won't change without effort on both of your parts. He has to be onboard at finding an interest that you both can participate in.


It’s just the games. He has never been into porn much and would tell me if he was looking at it. He has just always had this obsession with playing games. Even if he tries not to play for a day he will eventually gravitate back to it because he’ll say ‘I’m just going to relax for a minute while you do that’. And that leads to him back to playing for hours.
I just need to get him back into to a regular routine i.e. working in the office and getting out of the house a bit more because he played a bit less then.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Marsh_Mallow* said:


> It’s just the games. He has never been into porn much and would tell me if he was looking at it. He has just always had this obsession with playing games. Even if he tries not to play for a day he will eventually gravitate back to it because he’ll say ‘I’m just going to relax for a minute while you do that’. And that leads to him back to playing for hours.
> I just need to get him back into to a regular routine i.e. working in the office and getting out of the house a bit more because he played a bit less then.


What type of games does he play? If shooters drag him out to paintball.


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> What type of games does he play? If shooters drag him out to paintball.
> 
> View attachment 93096


Yep it’s the shooting games.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Marsh_Mallow* said:


> Yep it’s the shooting games.


Typical 😑

Well, paintball it is lol


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

Marsh_Mallow* said:


> I’m not sure what to do. Any advice???
> 
> Ive been with my husband for nearly 18 years, married for 14 years. I love him but we have never really had anything in common if I’m honest. My husband spends all his free time gaming online and I have mentioned it so many times over the years that it is too much but he is just as addicted as ever. I wish I had someone to go on hikes with or bike rides, or even someone who likes the same shows or movies as me but we are just so different in what we like.
> 
> ...




You two never should have dated long or married.

Definitely never should have conceived children together.



The both of you knew who you each were marrying.



You two have always been incompatible and always will be.


You have no one to blame but yourself for staying this long.

Take charge and control of your life

End things permanently.


Go to therapy and counseling.

Get some self esteem and respect for yourself.

Clearly you don't have much of either.

Neither does he.



Learn how to love yourself and do better for your life...

So that you can do better for your children.


So that they can be healthier individuals.


You should not be continuously intentionally exposing your children to this type of toxicity and dysfunction.


Your husband doesn't care much or at all for you or the children.


He doesn't want any parts, but stays because he is also equally without much self esteem or respect for himself...


Leave and become a better parent.


Your children don't deserve this kind of treatment or living in dysfunction.



This is a form of abuse. The both of you are very selfish and are continuously intentionally tramautizing your children.


Never let this situation happen again.


The one where you settled for someone that you clearly knew that you were incompatible with ......


Because of loneliness, desperation, not thinking highly of yourself, and very low self esteem.



These things never work out.


Divorce.


Or


Stay and continue to be more unhappy and miserable.


Yes you may be sad and unhappy being divorced.. but lesser than what you would be staying.

You cannot force someone to be involved and interested in you and the kids 

When they don't want to be and have no interest.


You cannot force or morph him to be something he's not.


He is who he is. 


You are who you are.


He sounds like he's using you and isn't a good partner.

You're using him as well though.

The both of you will likely cheat on each other or continue (if either one hasn't yet)



Fantasizing about other men and having a different partner means it's time to end things.

It is possible you can have a happier and healthier life while being single.

You need to work on yourself extensively before you get involved with anyone else though...


There may be someone better suited for you once you're healthy enough to be in another relationship..if you are open to relationships once more.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Sit him down for that 'talk' and apologize to him. Tell him that you knew you had different interests when you dated but you married him anyway, thinking he'd outgrow gaming and be a present and involved husband and father. Acknowledge that it's not fair for you to have expected him to change. Then tell him that the problem has grown too big to ignore, gaming is getting in the way of your intimacy together and hence your bond, he neglects his own children, and so you're feeling like you have a fourth child to take care of instead of a life partner and coparent. Ask him to help you come up with solutions to address the problem.

You have to frame the issue as a problem for you to solve together as a team - not as something wrong with him that is all on him to fix. When you start brainstorming solutions together, be sure to include divorce as one of the possibilities though, so he knows the worst case scenario.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Sit him down for that 'talk' and apologize to him. Tell him that you knew you had different interests when you dated but you married him anyway, thinking he'd outgrow gaming and be a present and involved husband and father. Acknowledge that it's not fair for you to have expected him to change. Then tell him that the problem has grown too big to ignore, gaming is getting in the way of your intimacy together and hence your bond, he neglects his own children, and so you're feeling like you have a fourth child to take care of instead of a life partner and coparent. Ask him to help you come up with solutions to address the problem.
> 
> You have to frame the issue as a problem for you to solve together as a team - not as something wrong with him that is all on him to fix. When you start brainstorming solutions together, be sure to include divorce as one of the possibilities though, so he knows the worst case scenario.


 Bingo!


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

I would like to ask at the beginning

Have you recently been in a relationship with someone who looks more male, does sports and participates in social events?

share if that's the case, those with experience will give better advice

your life is lived in roughly 40 miles, you're right to be bored

days are similar, sex has lost its excitement, there is not much to talk about with your spouse, you know his opinion without asking him,

You are living the routine of work, market, home, a few social activities.

game addiction is spreading, your husband can shift his playtime to other areas, will that make you happy?

Go to therapy with your partner, discuss problems, get support, changes will not be one-sided.

if your husband tries to be the person you want, your husband's life/character will change. Have you considered the cons of this change?


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

bygone said:


> I would like to ask at the beginning
> 
> Have you recently been in a relationship with someone who looks more male, does sports and participates in social events?
> 
> ...


No I haven’t been. I’ve been with my husband since I was 20 years old. I just realised we’ve actually been together 18 years! I think I said 16 in my original post. 

I think it would help if he shifted his attention away from gaming a bit. I would love him to be interested in getting out more and perhaps take over some things like managing the finances. 

But other than that I don’t want to change who he is. He is actually a very kind and caring person. I guess we all have our faults.


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## MeridethBerkshire (2 mo ago)

Marsh_Mallow* said:


> I’m not sure what to do. Any advice???
> 
> Ive been with my husband for nearly 18 years, married for 14 years. I love him but we have never really had anything in common if I’m honest. My husband spends all his free time gaming online and I have mentioned it so many times over the years that it is too much but he is just as addicted as ever. I wish I had someone to go on hikes with or bike rides, or even someone who likes the same shows or movies as me but we are just so different in what we like.
> 
> ...


Ah, yeah, that is hard to respond as you should evade fantasies or crushes but you aren't a robot I suppose. I don't think you should worry about your relationship as you seem accountable enough. You should tell him about it and ask him if he wants you to sleep with other men. Why he isn't maintaining you is out of greed - no demand for it makes a selfish person.
You can always find things to have common ground.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

try therapy kids grow up and responsibilities change

Share the topics you want support and try to meet in the middle

provided that it is not sudden and large

personalize your relationship, plan it and get your husband involved

discuss this in therapy, it will be healthier to observe the change and your husband's reactions.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Marsh_Mallow* said:


> It’s just the games. He has never been into porn much and would tell me if he was looking at it. He has just always had this obsession with playing games. Even if he tries not to play for a day he will eventually gravitate back to it because he’ll say ‘I’m just going to relax for a minute while you do that’. And that leads to him back to playing for hours.
> I just need to get him back into to a regular routine i.e. working in the office and getting out of the house a bit more because he played a bit less then.


Could he set a timer?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

AVR1962 said:


> Could he set a timer?


Guessing you never played online games 😅

It's like trying to drag a player from a sport midgame.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

This is just my opinion, take it how you want to. I am sure someone will get their panties in a wad over it though.

Video games, like social media, are designed to be addictive. It sounds like he is addicted to playing games.

The other issue I have is with the societal infantilizing/permanenet adolescence thing in our society. People have been led to believe they can and should behave like children, while being adults.

Grown men (and women for that matter), need to learn to grow up and put childish things away. A husband and father's first prioties are being that a husband and father, not a perpetual teenager playing games.


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