# pain in the butt, litterally



## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

My husband and i have been married for 10 years and we have three kids 7 and under. We haven't had sex in about 2 years. Before that we didn't have sex often unless we were trying to conceive. Sex has always been painful for me. In the beginning I would get up my courage to do it about once a week, because I thought I had to to be a good wife. The time in between became longer and longer, because i just couldn't bring myself to do it. I have had test done and been to a few Dr.s. The only explanations are lack of desire is because of hormones in birth control. Also not enough lubrication. A few times the pain stops half way through, but it doesn't turn into pleasure. It just feels about the same as having a pencil behind my ear, not even a hint of pleasure it's just there. He doesn't really talk to me about it and when he does he'll say "it hurts me too" or "I don't like it either". Early in our marriage he told me that if touching didn't lead to sex it was too painful for him. So we don't really touch and haven't for about 8 years. Except, of course, for concieving our children, which was always intentional, mechanical, and extremely painful. We are in couple sthaerapy now. I don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life like this, but I do not want to tear apart our family. I think the baby would be o.k., but our oldest two would not. I do not have friends and I do not have family support. I can not get through the day without having the music blasting all day. When the floor and my body are shaking from the treble and bass I don't feel so much pain. I don't know if there is anything anyone can say to help, but here it all is.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

explode said:


> My husband and i have been married for 10 years and we have three kids 7 and under. We haven't had sex in about 2 years. Before that we didn't have sex often unless we were trying to conceive. Sex has always been painful for me. In the beginning I would get up my courage to do it about once a week, because I thought I had to to be a good wife. The time in between became longer and longer, because i just couldn't bring myself to do it. I have had test done and been to a few Dr.s. The only explanations are lack of desire is because of hormones in birth control. Also not enough lubrication. A few times the pain stops half way through, but it doesn't turn into pleasure. It just feels about the same as having a pencil behind my ear, not even a hint of pleasure it's just there. He doesn't really talk to me about it and when he does he'll say "it hurts me too" or "I don't like it either". Early in our marriage he told me that if touching didn't lead to sex it was too painful for him. So we don't really touch and haven't for about 8 years. Except, of course, for concieving our children, which was always intentional, mechanical, and extremely painful. We are in couple sthaerapy now. I don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life like this, but I do not want to tear apart our family. I think the baby would be o.k., but our oldest two would not. I do not have friends and I do not have family support. I can not get through the day without having the music blasting all day. When the floor and my body are shaking from the treble and bass I don't feel so much pain. I don't know if there is anything anyone can say to help, but here it all is.


I'm confused about the blasting music comment. Are you in constant pain or just during sex?
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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

The last reference to pain is emotional pain, because of a bad marriage and sexual frustration.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

explode said:


> The last reference to pain is emotional pain, because of a bad marriage and sexual frustration.


Have you been evaluated by a doctor? Is your marriage bad in other ways or just because of this?
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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

Yes, I have been seen by a few specialists. And, yes my marriage is bad in many other ways, but this sexually issue has always been the biggest problem.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

explode said:


> Yes, I have been seen by a few specialists. And, yes my marriage is bad in many other ways, but this sexually issue has always been the biggest problem.


Have you ever had a comfortable sex life either before children or a man previous to your H? Do you have any ideas what's causing it? Kind of chicken and egg - is bad marriage causing painful sex or has painful sex caused a stressful marriage?
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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

Sex was bad the very first time, which was with my husband on our honeymoon, and has been ever since. I have never been with anyone else. He's my one and only. I used to be a very conservative Christian. I think, well daydream, about being with other men all the time.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

explode said:


> Sex was bad the very first time, which was with my husband on our honeymoon, and has been ever since. I have never been with anyone else. He's my one and only. I used to be a very conservative Christian. I think, well daydream, about being with other men all the time.


Were you his first? Is he maybe not 'experienced' as to how to please a woman and now you have mental block? Were you raised thinking sex was bad?
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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

Yes, I was his first also.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

explode said:


> Yes, I was his first also.


If your doctor checks turned out fine - could it be that he was inexperienced and 'hasty' at the beginning and didn't get you properly warmed up and now you have mental block? What about experimenting with other intimate activities other than penetration and seeing if you can enjoy that?
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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

I'm not interested in making the sex good. I don't want to figure it out. At least not with him. I am never having sex again with him. His attitude toward me all of these years has been 'yeah yeah yeah you're in pain, lay there anyway and take it so he won't be in pain' or 'blah blah blah you told me that already. I don't need to hear it again. I am now trying to decide between staying in a sexless marriage or tearing my family apart.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

That's a sad story. Tear your family apart. it won't be as bad as you think it will, and you will never be happy. Life is short.


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## Rosie123 (Sep 5, 2011)

It is really really sad to me that we hear things and take them so close to heart. Sanity is right, sometimes it's just better to get out of a bad marriage than to stay in it. Think of what it's teaching your children! This is why I don't like religion as it is, not because I am an Atheist, but because what they teach is so misguided. If you'd had a sexual relationship with your husband before you married him, you would have known these problems existed and avoided so much frustration and hurt and tears. But no, we are taught that it's "wrong." Such BS. Sorry, really not trying to blame religion for it all, but it seems to be a large part of the problem. You pretty much made the decision when you said you don't want to make the sex good or figure it out, with him. If you don't want to make something better, why accept it and stay? Things suck, you don't want to fix it, so get out. Your family will be better off in the end.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Go check out this site on vaginismus: What is vaginismus? - Vaginismus.com

God Bless.


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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

I have read about vaginismus. It's one of the many conditions and causes of sexual pain that I have read or heard about. My Dr. thinks that it's the most likely cause of my pain. Although, she isn't totally sure. I will continue to research and experiment to pin point my problem(s). However, I will not ever have sex with my husband again that is decided. I want to figure this out so I can have sex with someone with the goal of mutual pleasure, not pleasuring or relieving himself inside of me.


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