# Sex problems with my wife



## Confused_Man_2013 (Mar 20, 2013)

This is the first time I am posting. I am in my mid thirties and I have been married for a little over 2 years and been in a relation with my wife for 10 years.

The problem is that while I respect her and know she is a good person our sex life is very boring. She never wants to experiment and try any fantasies and after the first few years we started having less and less sex. After marriage we got to a point where we have sex like once every 4 months, sometimes even less.

I do not feel physically attracted to her anymore. Problem is I have a high sex drive and I feel attracted to other women all the time but when I look at her I see her more as a good friend.

I do not want to cheat on her and I feel I cannot have kids with her as I do not want to bring kids in this life with us having this huge problem.

We split for a couple of months but now are back together after some therapy. However I feel that nothing has changed and we still do not have any physical attraction. 

I feel like I am wasting my life but I do not know what to do. Should I leave her because of sex? I feel bad about this as she is a nice person but I think she can never satisfy me sexually and sex is an important aspect of my life. I crave to be with other women but I keep holding everything inside me as I do not want to cheat on her. Life is very sad and unhappy right now...what do you think I should do?


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Yes, radically differing views on sex is a very good reason for divorce. If you can't get past this, then you should divorce. Set each other free to find someone more compatible and fulfilling.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You said you went to therapy.

Was this problem brought up there?
What did she say do about it?


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Ten years together, and you were dissatisfied after 2 years. But despite the sex life getting worse, you spent the next 6 years with her in a committed relationship. As things go from bad to worse, you take it to the next level and marry her. Surprise, surprise, sex gets even worse after marriage. So...why did you do it?

Does your wife have a low libido or has sex decreased because you got bored with her? If it was the latter, then I think you did this woman wrong. I would not be surprised if your wife feels pretty low because you are bored with her sexually. 

What do you want? Why didn't you leave earlier when you KNEW she was not compatible with your needs?


----------



## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

Women, unlike men think of sex in a more secure location. Yes, I said SECURE. If she feels secure in the relationship, she will want sex more from you. It also has a lot to do with the relationship and how close you are to eachother.
Wine her, dine her and become her friend again, put sex on the back burner and just be best friends. Ask her what she'd like to do and do it w/o complaining. A relationship is not what you get, but what you can give, then if she doesn't respond and it's becoming a one sided relationship, ditch the B.
Mouse


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

LoveMouse said:


> Women, unlike men think of sex in a more secure location. Yes, I said SECURE. If she feels secure in the relationship, she will want sex more from you. It also has a lot to do with the relationship and how close you are to eachother.
> Wine her, dine her and become her friend again, put sex on the back burner and just be best friends. Ask her what she'd like to do and do it w/o complaining. A relationship is not what you get, but what you can give, then if she doesn't respond and it's becoming a one sided relationship, ditch the B.
> Mouse


I got the impression that the OP did does not have a problem with his wife not being open to sex. His problem is that she is boring in bed. It looks like the sex decreased because of him losing the attraction to his wife. Hopefully the OP comes back and lets us know.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Let's take an inventory....

Not attracted to wife.
Boring sex
Boring sex every 4 months or so
No kids
"I feel like I am wasting my life"

Does she have pictures of you murdering someone or something? Why are you still there? You're not one of those white knights are you? I kind of get it when men say they won't leave because they'll be without their kids, but what's your excuse?


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Bait and switch big time!!!

Before marriage, good sex life. After marriage, sex down to almost nothing and she sees nothing wrong with this.........really?!

Then you guys drift apart and she wonders why?!

Sex (physicality) is the glue that holds marriages / relationships together. Without that, you are the same as a friend and room mate with no serious commitment.

Could be you are a HD guy and she is really a LD woman. Simple as that.

Once you got married, she got comfy, the chase is over and sex isn't important to her anymore.

Perhaps she is a conservative woman? Not a wild one?

Maybe she wants you to take the initiative, lead and surprise her, instead of not doing so? My wifee is the same way.

You shouldn't have to take her out, wine, fine dinners, etc. just for the hope of getting sex. You are / were her husband. If she truly loved you, she would want sex with you and often with no strings attached.


----------



## Confused_Man_2013 (Mar 20, 2013)

tacoma said:


> You said you went to therapy.
> 
> Was this problem brought up there?
> What did she say do about it?


Well what happened is that I was becoming attracted to a girl at work and once we nearly ended up together when we were out drinking with some colleagues.

It was like an eye opener and I discussed it with her and we decided to go to therapy. However the therapist seems to just want us to be together.

As I said I do respect her a lot but I have become numb and feel no sexual emotions towards her and I am not sure I can live with her this way...


----------



## Confused_Man_2013 (Mar 20, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Ten years together, and you were dissatisfied after 2 years. But despite the sex life getting worse, you spent the next 6 years with her in a committed relationship. As things go from bad to worse, you take it to the next level and marry her. Surprise, surprise, sex gets even worse after marriage. So...why did you do it?
> 
> Does your wife have a low libido or has sex decreased because you got bored with her? If it was the latter, then I think you did this woman wrong. I would not be surprised if your wife feels pretty low because you are bored with her sexually.
> 
> What do you want? Why didn't you leave earlier when you KNEW she was not compatible with your needs?


At the start we had a better sex life although it was not great. I was used to more physical relations. However she had so many things I was looking for in a woman that I said to myself I need to look beyond sex. I loved her and she opened herself to me on some physical things that she did not like about herself like having a small breast. We connected.

However as time went by it got more difficult. She is very traditional and as I already said she does not experiment with anything when it comes to sex. She does not wear attractive, sexy clothes either to stimulate me, she does not know how to seduce.

As time went by we started discussing marriage and even though I knew our sex life was not working well I still loved her. I was hoping that things would change perhaps, but now I realise I was like an ostrich burying its head under the sand. The next step in our marriage would be to have kids but with the situation being what it is I feel I cannot take that step.

She tries to have sex with me, but I just feel nothing, just numbness while when I see another girl I feel very attracted. As I mentioned in the above post I felt really attracted to this work colleague.

I feel I have failed her and I tell her this, but she tells me she knew we had problems as well and that we both made mistakes. She says we can try to work things out and she wants us to be together but deep inside I feel I will never be attracted to her. I just don't know what to do...stay with her and maybe never be really happy with my life or leave her and maybe after a year I will realise I made a big mistake and regret it forever...or maybe I leave her and find someone I like on every level...

It seems an easy choice, but when you're in it, it's not that easy...


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Confused_Man_2013 said:


> At the start we had a better sex life although it was not great. I was used to more physical relations. However she had so many things I was looking for in a woman that I said to myself I need to look beyond sex. I loved her and she opened herself to me on some physical things that she did not like about herself like having a small breast. We connected.
> 
> However as time went by it got more difficult. She is very traditional and as I already said she does not experiment with anything when it comes to sex. She does not wear attractive, sexy clothes either to stimulate me, she does not know how to seduce.
> 
> ...


So it has nothing to do with libido on her part and everything to do with her lack of prowess in the bedroom. Why don't you just teach her what you want?


----------



## Confused_Man_2013 (Mar 20, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I got the impression that the OP did does not have a problem with his wife not being open to sex. His problem is that she is boring in bed. It looks like the sex decreased because of him losing the attraction to his wife. Hopefully the OP comes back and lets us know.


Yes it is more like this. I know it sounds bad, but that's how it is as I explained in detail in the above post.


----------



## Confused_Man_2013 (Mar 20, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> So it has nothing to do with libido on her part and everything to do with her lack of prowess in the bedroom. Why don't you just teach her what you want?



She does not want to try new things...she is very traditional in this aspect...innocent I might say.

Also I'm not physically attracted to her anymore as well. It happened slowly with time. I see her a bit like a special friend not as my lover nowadays...


----------



## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

> Also I'm not physically attracted to her anymore as well. It happened slowly with time.


Surprise, surprise. Slowly over the same period of time you were becoming infatuated with a work colleague. I would be the last to counsel you to stay in a sexless/loveless marriage. That would be a huge mistake. She is your wife, you have committed to her so she deserves an opportunity to meet you and move your marriage in a direction you can both live with. If your attention is fixated on some other curvaceous forbidden fruit, any attempt on her part to attract you is doomed to fail.

If she feels secure with you and is getting what she needs from the relationship, it is very possible for her to blossom and open up to you. Encourage her, talk to her, support her, compliment her, make her feel like a goddess and you may find she has also been yearning to feel that close...and show you her love.


----------



## Confused_Man_2013 (Mar 20, 2013)

Cre8ify said:


> Surprise, surprise. Slowly over the same period of time you were becoming infatuated with a work colleague. I would be the last to counsel you to stay in a sexless/loveless marriage. That would be a huge mistake. She is your wife, you have committed to her so she deserves an opportunity to meet you and move your marriage in a direction you can both live with. If your attention is fixated on some other curvaceous forbidden fruit, any attempt on her part to attract you is doomed to fail.
> 
> If she feels secure with you and is getting what she needs from the relationship, it is very possible for her to blossom and open up to you. Encourage her, talk to her, support her, compliment her, make her feel like a goddess and you may find she has also been yearning to feel that close...and show you her love.


With slowly I meant year after year. This work colleague is a recent thing that happened a few months ago. I cut all contacts with the work colleague and she does not work with me anymore now. I was just surprised by how much I was sexually attracted to her. A feeling I had not felt for my wife for a long time, if I ever felt it to this level.

We are going to therapy and we moved back together because I said she deserves another chance. Our marriage deserves it, but I am just not feeling it anymore. She always felt secure with me in the past, it purely boils down to sexual chemistry. We just don't seem to have it. Is it something I can live without and be happy...I'm not so sure.


----------



## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

IMO when we have unmet needs that allows these things to go straight to our core. I went for years getting less respect from my wife than I needed. When women would admire my success in business or the great track my children were on or my leadership positions, I was instantly attracted to them. My wife had no idea I had a need for her to be proud of me and to respect the effort I put into managing our life but now that she knows it pulls us closer together.

Same with intimacy, when I was undersexed and feeling no love from my wife, a woman's touch or attention would shoot straight through me. We have fixed that so that the need is no longer sitting there raw and unsatiated and so sensitive to that touch.

We have more "chemistry" today than we ever have so don't assume it can't be created...in fact, assume it MUST be created.


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Confused_Man_2013 said:


> This is the first time I am posting. I am in my mid thirties and I have been married for a little over 2 years and been in a relation with my wife for 10 years.
> 
> The problem is that while I respect her and know she is a good person our sex life is very boring. She never wants to experiment and try any fantasies and after the first few years we started having less and less sex. After marriage we got to a point where we have sex like once every 4 months, sometimes even less.
> 
> ...




Here is my almost stock answer...It is my almost stock answer because it saved my marriage....

Last November our relationship was in a bad place. My wife and I decided divorce was not the answer, so we bought the book.

The 5 Love Languages". It has improved our relationship tremendously....

It is a set of tools that allow a couple to fulfill each others emotional needs.....It can be read in a weekend, and in my case showed results within the first month...

All it takes is BOTH partners wanting it to work....I was a total skeptic...I fully intended to skim through it in a couple of hours and $hit can it...It changed me much for the better....

This afternoon My wife lay down beside me, and said she wasn't interested in anything except watching TV....

She was wearing some really nice perfume, jeans and a silky feeling top.....and did I mention she smelled really nice.....

I told her how good she smelled, and how beautiful I thought she was, and kissed her several times with real affection. I gave her a little backrub....

Can you see where this is leading....

We had the best sex!!!!!. 

It was fantastic. I can remember makin love to her when I was 19, and the sex today was just as wonderful, and just as breathtaking as it was back then....And I told her so..And it is what you would no doubt call VANILLA.... The sexual dynamite you need to put the kick back into your love life is right between your ears.....


Good luck
the woodchuck


----------



## Confused_Man_2013 (Mar 20, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> Here is my almost stock answer...It is my almost stock answer because it saved my marriage....
> 
> Last November our relationship was in a bad place. My wife and I decided divorce was not the answer, so we bought the book.
> 
> ...


Thanks mate.

I will try to get hold of this book and see if reading it can help.

The past few days have been bad and I am seriously thinking of ending this and moving on...but I will give it one more shot.


----------

