# Sex issues...



## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

I have recently posted on here before about some problems I had been having with my newlywed husband and I. They involved my husband sending repetitive sexual text messages to different women, phone sex with these strange women, or attempting to, viewing webcams, pornography and while we have been struggling with these issues, I recently noticed on my keylogger, it logs everything that is typed on my pc, a sexual conversation between my husband and another man. I am curious to know what this could be about. It is really starting to sicken me. I am not sure what to think anymore, could my husband be gay or bisexual? What is the deal. I really think he has some real problems, and when I try to bring these up he acts again like nothing is happening. He doesnt know I have the keylogger so he doesnt think I guess that I know any of these things. However the more I found out the more I am questioning our marriage and his love for me, as he knows these things do hurt me tremendously. He does know of some things that I have found out about him, with the texting and so forth, and recently I found a message on his cellphone about him signing up for a web date mobile service. I hate to keep reposting the same dilemma with no real solutions having being taken place. I would just like to understand before I call it quits. I am not sure how to get him to talk to me about this stuff. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.


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## evenow (Oct 15, 2007)

He definitely has a problem. Until he accepts it and talks to you about it there is little you can do to save your relationship. 

Keeping that in mind, how do you approach him with this subject? How do the conversations go? I understand he denies that anything is happening. If you bring up your evidence, it might get him to come clean but it doesn't mean he will stop the behavior. It may just push it underground. 

If there was some way for you to tell him that his behavior hurts you, the marriage and you deserve better?


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

There is some kind of issue, where it stems from I can not exactly say. I do agree with "Evenow", gather evidence (information) and then try to calmly sit down and discuss what the issue is. If your doing everything you can then if you do decide to call it quits you can walk away knowing you tried your hardest.


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

since this has gone very far, it's time to suggest couple's therapy after trying to sit down and talk about what goes through his mind each day. afterwards explain that you want to strengthen your relationship by receiving help from others this way he does not go alone. then at the sessions when you both feel ready, maybe bring up the subject if he was every in any way sexually abused. it could be that he has intimacy difficulties and therefore turns to "inanimate" visuals. they are real of course, but in a sense, no physical contact, right?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

babyblues7 said:


> I have recently posted on here before about some problems I had been having with my newlywed husband and I. They involved my husband sending repetitive sexual text messages to different women, phone sex with these strange women, or attempting to, viewing webcams, pornography and while we have been struggling with these issues, I recently noticed on my keylogger, it logs everything that is typed on my pc, a sexual conversation between my husband and another man. I am curious to know what this could be about. It is really starting to sicken me. I am not sure what to think anymore, could my husband be gay or bisexual? What is the deal. I really think he has some real problems, and when I try to bring these up he acts again like nothing is happening. He doesnt know I have the keylogger so he doesnt think I guess that I know any of these things. However the more I found out the more I am questioning our marriage and his love for me, as he knows these things do hurt me tremendously. He does know of some things that I have found out about him, with the texting and so forth, and recently I found a message on his cellphone about him signing up for a web date mobile service. I hate to keep reposting the same dilemma with no real solutions having being taken place. I would just like to understand before I call it quits. I am not sure how to get him to talk to me about this stuff. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.


I think he has certion issues with sex and monogamy. He might be bi-sexual but I think that would have to be something you would have to really talk to him about.

As far as feeling like you are "bugging" with the same question, don't worry we have all been there. The idea of these forums is to keep going until you have a solution to the underlining problem.

In the end you have to decide what is acceptable in your relationship. Most people would not deal with this as nicely as you have.

draconis


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

evenow said:


> He definitely has a problem. Until he accepts it and talks to you about it there is little you can do to save your relationship.
> 
> Keeping that in mind, how do you approach him with this subject? How do the conversations go? I understand he denies that anything is happening. If you bring up your evidence, it might get him to come clean but it doesn't mean he will stop the behavior. It may just push it underground.
> 
> If there was some way for you to tell him that his behavior hurts you, the marriage and you deserve better?


Evenow has a great point you need to communicate with him, what you know (even without the how you know.) You need to tell him how it makes you feel and that you expect more from him.

If you leave the marriage then you know that you tried. It takes two people to make a marriage work and only one to let it fall apart. If he is going after all these things then he is being selfish to the marriage and you. You deserve much more.

I do have to ask because I can't remeber if you posted it elsewhere. Why did you start using a keylogger?

draconis


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

I started using the keylogger after he was up late one night on the computer, and I knew his excuse for what he was doing wasnt the truth. This has been going on pretty much since we've been married, which has been almost a year now, and I just suspected other things were going on that he wasnt telling me about and I felt I needed to know, because I didnt want to be married to someone, that would leave there wife in bed alone to pursue some cyber fantasy. 

I know I am a very understanding person, and really I have no where else to go, so I have been really trying to get at the issue at hand to try and understand why someone would want to do this. I know my husband does bring up that we dont have sex as often enough as he would like, but I just at this point dont feel very attracted to him, and apparently his philosphy is that he will fulfill his needs elsewhere. 

We are together intimately at least 2-3 times a week, I dont know if that is a normal range, but honestly that is just fine with me. The thing is if he is dissatisfied with our sex life he really has done nothing personally to try and change it. I dont see how if thats not an issue for me, why I should be the one to initiate that. I know I need to talk to him, especially about the sexual conversation with that other man, but I really dont know what to say, I just want to laugh in his face about the absurdity of it all. We should be enjoying our life together and instead he is robbing our marriage, just so confusing and stupid really. Thanks for all your advice...


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

babyblues7 said:


> We are together intimately at least 2-3 times a week, I dont know if that is a normal range, but honestly that is just fine with me....


To answer your question 2-4 times a week is a range given by many people across many forums with three times seeming to be the normal in perfectly happy relationships. If he is unhappy with that he needs to look at the bigger picture and spend his extra time romancing you more.

draconis


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

Usually when I try and address these issues, he usually says that he isnt doing anything and that I need to move on and quit dwelling on these issues. He has brought up some reasons in the past about why he does these things, one being he is just bored, and another because I dont give him that much attention, well he acts like I should be around him all day and that isnt possible. 

I just know as soon as I start to discuss these issues how it will go. He gets defensive and I get pissed. I dont want to go to couples therapy because I really dont know if thats going to help anything. I think he maybe needs to go talk to someone. The biggest question for me is if he loves me then why does he do these things...I would never intentionally hurt anyone. Thanks for the advice


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

babyblues7 said:


> Usually when I try and address these issues, he usually says that he isnt doing anything and that I need to move on and quit dwelling on these issues. He has brought up some reasons in the past about why he does these things, one being he is just bored, and another because I dont give him that much attention, well he acts like I should be around him all day and that isnt possible.
> 
> I just know as soon as I start to discuss these issues how it will go. He gets defensive and I get pissed. I dont want to go to couples therapy because I really dont know if thats going to help anything. I think he maybe needs to go talk to someone. The biggest question for me is if he loves me then why does he do these things...I would never intentionally hurt anyone. Thanks for the advice


This may sound like I am defending him but I really am not. Guys are more visual then women and because they are not as connected in the brain (right and left) they focus more from visual clues. Now should he repress the urges? Of course, it shows that he is weak willed. But he is fighting 5000 years of social behavior. Is it disrespectful for him to do it? Of course it is. You need to tell him to communicate to him and get him to listen.

"Look, ever time you look at these sites you must know you are doing wrong because you don't in front of me. Not that I would want that I'd be offended anyways.

But every time I feel less and less with sharing myself with you sexually. Do you understand that, I want you less ever time you disrespectme this way.

This isn't boredom. This is addiction. If it was alcohol you'd be in therapy right now. If you think it isn't addiction then you can break from it cold turkey. If you can't you need to get away from all of it.

When every thing comes down to the wire of marriage or divorce do you want this to be the deciding factior?"

Maybe it will make him think.

draconis


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

Yeah I do think it is addiction, but I have asked him to go and see someone. Honestly I am not sure how far he has taken this. I cant say for sure if I believe 100 percent that he hasnt cheated on me.

I have asked him and of course he says no. The way I see it is eventually if he keeps this up its gonna end up with him cheating, all it takes is just him finding that person willing and I honestly think he would do it. Especially if there was no chance of him being caught. I dont think he has a lot of integrity and my respect for him as definetly diminished. 

One of the reasons I got married was because I felt like I could totally trust him. I guess it just really floored me about this. I used to trust him completely. I never caught him looking at women or trying to initiate anything with them as well. And now its totally the opposite. I guess I had a rude awakening. 

I really feel sorry for him, if it is addiction and I think it is, then its such a waste of time, and life. Did I mention he also views at least 1 pornographic movie a week...I am not sure if thats excessive, but hurtful all the same.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Veiwing porn in itself shouldn't be an insult to you unless 

1) He is addicted to sex/porn.

2) His choice of it over you.

3) He has to hide it, or feels the need to.

A general yard stick I measure things is if my wife know I do it and she feels comfortable with it. We have a very open and honest relationship. She trusts me beyond words to the point that situations I don't feel comfortable with she trusts and knows I will do the right thing.

It seems your husband deep down knows what he is doing isn't right. I say this because he has to hide it or feels the need to.

draconis


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## Doubt&Wonder (Oct 29, 2007)

IMO - If it bothers you then it is a problem and your husband should STOP!


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