# how do i find a decent man?



## StarchyldeZN (May 2, 2012)

I'm extremely lonely and would like to start dating again.
I liked being married and belonging. I want that again.
My problem is how? 
I have tried a dating website and that was a total loss. 
So what does a woman in her 40's do to find a life partner?:scratchhead:


----------



## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

honestly? stop looking for one - if you go in to these things with such high expectations you're only going to be disappointed. do you have hobbies, interests etc. that bring you into contact with men that you can get to know?

also, don't be desperate - if I met a new man and the first thing he said was that he wanted a life partner and marriage I'd run screaming for the hills x


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Make good friends. Start with being a friend to yourself. If you are spending time with activities that you enjoy, it will become easy to start to issue invitations to men to spend some time with you. This will happen naturally. After a while you will discover there are some men friends that you might want to get to know better, and who are showing signs of the same. Those are the ones you would want to date more. By that time, your invitations will have progressed to near-dates anyway. You will find that with some of them, you will be asking, or they will be asking, when will you see each other again...or filling each other in on schedules when you won't see each other again. 

I have no clue why someone would want to date a guy they didn't already know in some capacity. It seems strange...especially if it would mean possibly marrying a total stranger that you only met through dating men that you met for the purpose of dating.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Find two or three things you’re passionate about, sports, painting, photography etc. and join classes to learn more about them. From that you’ll start meeting more people and making more friends, it’s very important to actively build yourself a good social network.

If you see someone single you like start out by asking them if they’d like to be friends. Then you can start doing things together and helping one another out.

Do something, Learn something, Share something, Change something - Meetup is really good to be with people who’ve like minded interests and passions.

The really big things is you have to put yourself out. And the second really biggest thing is enjoy what you’re doing! That way you become more attractive and desirable.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I found mine when I wasn't looking. I was a single parent in college/working and building a future for just my daughter and I.

My supervisor at my job liked my work ethics and personality. She set me up with her BIL. I said no at first, but she was persistent. 

We talked for two weeks before meeting. After our first date he sent flowers to my work every Friday! It was love at first sight! Here we are 13 years later and I've never been happier. My husband is truly a wonderful man. He still treats me the same as the day we met, minus the flowers.lol. I quit school and work to be a SAHM. I won't return working though due to breaking my neck a few years ago, my husband stands by my side supporting me through my hardships!

There are really nice men out there. You need to really get to know them and their family first. My ex h came from a broken home too. He was unfaithful and abusive. I left. My husband now always treated me with respect and came from a very loving home.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Helps to be where the guys are. Just don't give the vibe that you are looking to get a man, just be you and the right guy will come along (I'd give the same advice for men on that front... though um right gal in that case ).

A lot of men go to sports bars during major sporting events or big games. Good place to get noticed. Just go with some friends and have some fun (again though be you).

If you are religious get involved in church activities.

Get out there, and get a routine where you are surrounded with people... but not so many that you get lost in the crowd.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

When you stop looking is when you tend to meet someone.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Spring is here - get outside! Everywhere you go, everything you do is an opportunity to meet people.

Hang out at a dog park on the weekends, go to ballgames and chat with people in the hot dog line, join a running club (or biking or hiking), invite your neighbors over for a barbecue, and ask them to bring a friend along...

Anyone you meet, including women, could introduce you to someone. Make friends, have fun doing the things you like to do, and you will meet people. Eventually, there will be someone special in your life again.


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Great advice here. The hardest thing is to not let any rejection stop you from trying with the next man. Easier said than done, I know. Just think of it as getting one step closer to finding the right one.


----------



## StarchyldeZN (May 2, 2012)

I have read all of the replies and I thank the people who have responded. 
I was in a very abusive marriage for 29 yrs and unfortunately it has left me with scars.
Namely extreme shyness, no friends, fear and very low self esteem.

My problem is i'm lonely and although I'm not really ready for marriage yet, I am looking for someone who, potentially, might be right for me.
I want someone to watch tv with, cook with, talk to and just be with.

so how does a person such as I do it?

People have said put yourself out there, So I joined a dating site. Most men are only looking for cybersex on there 
So removed myself from their site. Feel disheartened.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Just meet people organically.

No one here is going to be able to tell you where to find your next guy. It doesn't work that way.

Life happens as it's supposed to.

You may be ready to date but it may not be your time yet. Everything happens in it's own time.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Maybe get active doing things you like? You have to stay true to yourself, while making yourself more... well visible and known (not going to find Mr Right at home).

Perhaps take a cooking class.

Get involved with an activity at the gym, do you like any sports (don't have to be good, just have fun)... like volleyball or tennis?

I agree with Jellybeans, Dean and others... just meet folks organically.


----------



## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

As AFEH linked, Meetup.com is a great tool.

You do not have to use it as a dating site, instead use it as an activity site. 

Decide what you want to do, then find the groups that meet in your area.

The hardest part of any new activity is breaking the inertia. You need to find the groups and then actually make yourself go.


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

StarchyldeZN said:


> I'm extremely lonely and would like to start dating again.
> I liked being married and belonging. I want that again.
> My problem is how?
> I have tried a dating website and that was a total loss.
> So what does a woman in her 40's do to find a life partner?:scratchhead:


You won't find one on TAM. Maybe a 'singles' site? :scratchhead:


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

StarchyldeZN said:


> People have said put yourself out there, So I joined a dating site. Most men are only looking for cybersex on there
> So removed myself from their site. Feel disheartened.


My friends have have good luck with eHarmony. People who sign up for that aren't just looking for sex or cybersex. You have to pay a larger fee than for the others, but I think that is what weeds out people who are playing games.


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Do you attend church? Good place to meet quality men, for the most part.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

southern wife said:


> Do you attend church? Good place to meet quality men, for the most part.


Along those lines, if you attend a smaller church perhaps go to some functions at a larger nearby church.


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Get involved in Community Service, volunteer your time to something you're interested in..........good way to meet people.

My sister met her fiance at the ER. She had to take her injured friend to the hospital and the tech. in the ER was hitting on my sister. They're getting married later this year!


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

norajane said:


> My friends have have good luck with eHarmony. People who sign up for that aren't just looking for sex or cybersex. You have to pay a larger fee than for the others, but I think that is what weeds out people who are playing games.


:iagree: Give eHarmony a try.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

StarchyldeZN said:


> I have read all of the replies and I thank the people who have responded.
> I was in a very abusive marriage for 29 yrs and unfortunately it has left me with scars.
> Namely extreme shyness, no friends, fear and very low self esteem.
> 
> ...


You sound like you need extensive counselling and a lot of working on yourself. If you go on as you are with a sort of victim attitude to your life you’ll more than likely just get with another abuser.

Your self-esteem and self-respect sound like they’re in the pits and are more than likely the reason you stayed in an abusive relationship for nearly three decades!

Self-esteem and self-respect arise out of doing good things in a successful way, out of achieving objectives and helping, being of service to others.

These things don’t just come to you, you have to put effort, time and energy into them to create them.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Yes I would recommend counseling or you might end up in another abusive relationship. Lots of free resources put there for people who have been abused. 
Once you get yourself to a point where you've reclaimed your self, I think if you ate going to do a dating site do one that costs something. It weeds out the people who aren't serious or only want a one night stand. 
Having said that, when I met my h two years ago on Craigslist, I was on eharmony and he was on chemistry.com. Neither of us had any luck with either site. I had posted on CL before but I was just thinking about all the profiles I'd put up and seen, and how so much of that junk didn't matter to me. I realized that I don't fit into neat categories like "motorcycle rider", "outdoorsy", "sports fan", etc. I just realized that unlike to do a lot of different things all the time and I'm open to a lot of different things. I put that in my ad, my h was the same way, we started emailing and the rest is history. 
I definitely think you should work on yourself first and make a lot of friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

