# After 11 years...her old boyfriend?!?!?



## mfmaxi (Jun 25, 2011)

*The old Boyfriend???*

I have been married for 11 years. We have 2 lovely kids. We love them very much. We have no major issues in our relationship. I moved away across the world to be with my wife. We live in the same city she grew up in, and all her family and her old friends live around here. 
She had a high school boyfriend. I think they were together for 3 years, or so. She got pregnant with him, but decided not to keep it. 
It was 6 or 7 years after that relationship she met me. Before we got married, I found a letter written by her and addressed to the old high school boyfriend . She said a lot of things in that letter, but what I remember the most was the sentence, where she said “ I can go on with my life, get married to someone, have kids but ………….I will always wonder what if we stayed together or how it would be with you…...” I was upset, as I loved her and intended to marry her. I told her about the letter. She got very upset, as it wasn't my business to read it. She said she wrote the letter long before she met me, and never actually sent it and that it doesn’t mean anything to her anymore.
Now after 11 years, I was cleaning our basement; I found an old picture album, with pictures of my wife and the old high school boyfriend from the time they were together. 
I am trying to be rational, I trust her, I don’t doubt her love and integrity, but it actually hurts me, little bit. Should I tell her I found the album? Should I ask her why after all these years she is hiding an album like that? I am little lost and confused? Help?!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

*Re: The old Boyfriend???*

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. Ten-to-one, she doesn't even remember that she still has these mementos. I recently was going thru some old pics that I didn't realize that I still had, and 3 pics of my ex-fiancee were in there. I destroyed them immediately. But sometimes I wonder, what if my W had found them, what would she think? Would she think that I forgot that I had them-or was I holding on to the ex's memory?

If you've read my other posts, you know that I have a strict NC policy with exes, and I am a remorseless bridge-burner.


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## mfmaxi (Jun 25, 2011)

*Re: The old Boyfriend???*

Yes, benefit of the doubt, that's what I first thought. But then I realized, the albums must have been put in there in the past year, as we were doing some renovations, and that area was not used for storage before. Also, the way the albums were stored....there was a clear attempt to hide them. I think she very well knew she had them.


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## avenrandom (Sep 13, 2010)

*Re: The old Boyfriend???*

I posted this on your other thread... why did you start multiple threads with the same post? ... Your other location was much more appropriate than in the Mens CH.

Is it an album of just him, or perhaps an album from high school with a lot of him in it (since you did say they were HS BF GF)? You are taking it harshly because of the context of that note, but you are overreacting a bit. If you approached her with the tone of that post, you'd look weak and insecure- You've got a chance here to play it cool, and still get the answers you are looking for. You can mention the album, but who says you have to specifically mention "him"? Again, you said it was in the basement... possibly inside boxes that haven't been touched for years. It's not uncommon at all for anyone to keep photo-albums from HS / College etc., they are just memories they wanted to keep- this says NOTHING about you.

You are on a forum where people their spouse cheating on them with an old BF/GF- You've found photos. Really take a step back and see the big picture here, before you bring this to her in a way that will do nothing but hurt your marriage.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Your wife has made you the second choice. She still harbors feelings for this guy. It all depends on what you want to do about it. But the first step is for you to see the way things actually are. Then you need to make a decision. Do you stay married to someone who loves someone else? You may be able to, but at least be real with it. You have children. Do you continue the marriage for them? Or do you not accept being second choice? I couldn't, but you may. I could not have sex with her knowing that she is infatuated with someone else. You need to sit down and talk to her. Set her free. But more importantly set yourself free. The truth will set you free. It doesn't mean there won't be pain with the truth.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I don't get it. What is the issue exactly? That she kept the picture album? If she wrote the letter the day before her wedding there is a problem. If she wrote it earlier on I don't see the issue unless you think she still feels that way.


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## mfmaxi (Jun 25, 2011)

*Re: The old Boyfriend???*

The album is of him and her, different places, different situations, his prom etc. As I said in my previous post, I think she was aware where of the album. 
However, you are making a few good points. What is it going to accomplish if I bring it up? I don't know! What I know is, she always tells me how much she loves me, how much I mean to her. She is not jealous, she trusts me, If I want to go away with friends for a few days, not a problem.............So why is she holding on to 100s of pictures where she is with a guy who got her pregnant, who she still had feelings for, even after many years they broke up (the letter). Makes me feel ‘second hand’! I gave up so much for her.>>>>>> Also, given the circumstances, it is little bit disrespectful from her.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

All this is way in her past----she kept the album, so what, it was put away, and she has no romantic interest in him

Everyone has a past---you might keep an eye on things, but don't make a problem,where there is none!!!!!!!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

jnj express said:


> All this is way in her past----she kept the album, so what, it was put away, and she has no romantic interest in him
> 
> Everyone has a past---you might keep an eye on things, but don't make a problem,where there is none!!!!!!!


:iagree:

The past is the past and should remain so. You probably wouldn't like her getting jealous of your past girlfriends.


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## mfmaxi (Jun 25, 2011)

The issue is..... why there is an album with very romantic pictures of my wife and her former BF, who was almost father of her child, and who she said she doesn't have any feelings for, even though in 'the letter' she basically confessed the opposite. I guess, the fact she kept this kind of album, would suggest she was not sincere with me about this, and I am her second choice. It basically makes me 'feel'....well, second choice. Really bitter feeling for me, after 11 years of complete devotion to our relationship. 
It is not about jealousy, it's about respect and honesty. I don't have a single picture of any my girlfriends. I can't come up with a reason why I would have it.


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## richards (Jun 22, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

mfmaxi said:


> The issue is..... why there is an album with very romantic pictures of my wife and her former BF, who was almost father of her child, and who she said she doesn't have any feelings for, even though in 'the letter' she basically confessed the opposite. I guess, the fact she kept this kind of album, would suggest she was not sincere with me about this, and I am her second choice. It basically makes me 'feel'....well, second choice. Really bitter feeling for me, after 11 years of complete devotion to our relationship.
> It is not about jealousy, it's about respect and honesty. I don't have a single picture of any my girlfriends. I can't come up with a reason why I would have it.


It is an old album. You were not part of her life. So why should it matter now. If she was keeping it under her pillow I might understand.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

It's part of her past, her life's history, what right do you have to tell her to discard it? She probably did hide it because of your reaction when you found the old letter, you made her feel guilty about her past. She may always wonder about this guy and so what? Don't you ever wonder what might have happened with someone from your history?

Cut her some slack.


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## Prometheus Pyrphoros (Jun 16, 2011)

I guess mfmaxi does wonder, as many people do, but does not keep albums of his girlfriends stashed away somewhere. I will not be the one like the rest and sugarcoat this, you are her 2nd best, she settled for you. Just deal with it, there is nothing you can do about it now, nor should you. Life is not a fairy tale.
Bottom line, if you two have a good life together, think nothing more of this issue. Don't mess up what you have.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

So, your W was capable of love and affection and a somewhat solid relationship before she met you? I can't see why a person having a normal life and having an album like that would be an issue.

My H had a similar album of a woman he'd dated a long time ago. I had no issue with this. What WAS an issue was an email from her to him as recently as 2002 stored in the album and cut out to fit in the album folded up from her to him with obsessive undying love. He was still single - SHE was married and part of the email was please delete this so my husband will never read it. OF COURSE HE READ IT (last fall), because the issue was that my H was involved in at least an email affair with her, with some physical attributes he admitted to, during our marriage. So I sent the OW's H a copy of that email so he could see how off her rocker his obsessive hystrionic homebreaker_x_2 wife was. Also I found obsessive song/poem my H wrote about her, in the album. (Yes, 2 of a kind there.) I ignored for some years the documents with the album and the fact that the album wasn't in some dusty storage but pretty much out in the open (an area I cleaned, plus he told me once nothing he had was private...) thinking well it's part of his past that he needs time to get over so I will be understanding (disgustingly codependent of me I know). I also ignored that he would keep in touch with her from time to time as he said they were friends...I told him after a while that it bothered me, he kept lying, the contact escalated, it caused problems in our marriage (sex performance problems, emotional abuse, distancing, medical neglect, issues with social contacts, stalking, etc.) 

So, album alone, in storage. Probably not a problem. Album plus treating you badly plus keeping in touch with the guy = red flag. 

If she has no children with this guy, there's really no reason for her to keep in touch, and every reason for her not to get in touch. 

It would be great if she could let the albums go. But how does one dispose of such albums? I don't have any, so I must have disposed at one point in time. But I don't remember how. 

Keep an eye on things.
You also need to make it clear what you will and won't tolerate with regard to her past interfering with your present and future. 

I had thought I would feel better if my H would go through all of his stuff and get rid of photos of his ex's. He has 4 of them, loads of photos and stuff from them. Strange he has hardly ever taken photos of me. But honestly, I don't care. Him living with all of his old dusty memories of his past failed relationships is his business, not mine. If he wants to join me in real life and real time that's great. I'll be right here where I always am. In the present. I went to therapy to deal with my past. Including the abuse from my H. I remember it as it deserves to be remembered so it can be avoided in future. But unlike him, I won't harbor a 20 year grudge that turns into a destructive sexual obsession that would ruin my marriage and make me feel like cr*p and basically be self-destructive. 

Your wife, your relationship, your judgement call if it's affecting your marriage or not. If it is, then it's got to be worked out and brought out into the open.


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

I believe its an issue. I would be freaking mad if I found such album. wife removed and destroyed all of her old photos and I did the same. the past is the past and needs to be left alone. she needs to have respect for you and destroy all pics of her ex. 
I bet if he showed up one day things will be ugly.


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## Philips (Jun 21, 2011)

jnj express said:


> All this is way in her past----she kept the album, so what, it was put away, and she has no romantic interest in him
> 
> Everyone has a past---you might keep an eye on things, but don't make a problem,where there is none!!!!!!!


I agree. This is a fond memory for her, but she has chosen to be with you. You can't erase her memories. Just let it go, don't mention nothing for her. She'll stick with you, but if you bring this up, you make more harm than good.


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## mfmaxi (Jun 25, 2011)

Well, I told her I found the album. I was very straight forward, no drama....... She said she was very sorry about the whole thing. She said the albums were dropped off to her recently by her parents in a box with other things, as her parents were moving, and were trying to get rid of things. I can confirm that, I saw a box from her mother, but I never looked inside.
She said she planned to destroy the album, but didn’t want to throw the whole thing in garbage because she wanted to pick a few “non relationship" pictures out of the album. So she put it away, and forgot about, as she is preoccupied with other things, at the moment. She also said she doesn’t know anything about the OG, he is not on her mind at anytime, she doesn’t know where he lives, what he does. She doesn't talk or ask about him with her old GFs, and so on. 

So there. I believe her but I won’t trust her until I see those pictures gone. 
PS: I didn’t ask her to throw the album out, so we will see..............


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