# I need some free time. Too much talking!



## Haggis (Feb 13, 2013)

I adore my wife. We spend almost all of our free time together, which I enjoy very much. We have been together for two years, married six months. The passion is fantastic, sex is as good as it gets. We solve almost everything usually in quick order.

The problem; I never get any free time to do my thing. Which would be mix music, do my own art (other than professionally)
or venture out with my camera and just shoot what ever I choose without her being present. 

When we try to do things together she wants to continually talk. She talks through movies, TV and especially music. If I'm not attentively listening to her at home, at a restaurant or in the car, she's texting or calling friends and family. Tells me about every minute of her day in exhausting detail. It is really starting to wear me down. So much I'm thinking of excuses to get away from her just for some peace. Argh.......what to do


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Haggis said:


> I adore my wife. We spend almost all of our free time together, which I enjoy very much. We have been together for two years, married six months. The passion is fantastic, sex is as good as it gets. We solve almost everything usually in quick order.
> 
> The problem; I never get any free time to do my thing. Which would be mix music, do my own art (other than professionally)
> or venture out with my camera and just shoot what ever I choose without her being present.
> ...


I agree that it is good to get some alone time on occasion to help you be a better spouse. But what I put in bold above is, IMHO, a red flag that may bite you in the behind down the road.

I'd be careful or someday you may end up being the guy that says "my wife tells me that I don't pay enough attention to her and that's why she started an EA with...".


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## Haggis (Feb 13, 2013)

Noted. I didn't want to rant on and on. I'm with her 99% of our free time. We do everything socially together. I listen to her all the time and share feelings and concerns. She is in no way lacking attention, mentally, physically or spiritually. 

She just never stops talking. I'm looking for advice to temper that down a bit. I can see from friends and family that they get annoyed with it too. She's in sales, does that give you an idea of the personality? The question is how to deal with an over-bearing talkative person that you love, without crushing her feelings?


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

I really hate people who never stop talking! ugh so I feel for you.

I have found feigning a headache and saying you need a bit of quiet helps.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Have you tried "Honey, you're talking too much and driving me insane" JK

I feel for you! I like my quiet time. 

I don't think it would hurt to say "Do you mind, I'm trying to watch TV"


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

IMO I can see no harm in asking your wife for some 'me' time. It's totally natural to want some time alone and peace and quiet. Constantly needing to be stimulated sounds like ADD or some other mental quirk.

It would be nice not to have to ask... my husband and I are quite in sync with each other and just know when the other needs space. We can retreat to seperate rooms in the house, or announce we're going to the store or wherever without it causing anyone distress.


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## Haggis (Feb 13, 2013)

Thanks All, I've tried saying nicely " Doll, can we put the TV on pause if you want to talk". Seconds of silence later "I had a friend who....blah blah blah" somehow related to what we are watching. It if she needs to say everything that comes through her head. If I bring it up, it inevidently gets turned around to something else. Maybe I need to go on week long backback trips. It seems futile to remedy the chatter.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Haggis said:


> Thanks All, I've tried saying nicely " Doll, can we put the TV on pause if you want to talk". Seconds of silence later "I had a friend who....blah blah blah" somehow related to what we are watching. It if she needs to say everything that comes through her head. If I bring it up, it inevidently gets turned around to something else. Maybe I need to go on week long backback trips. It seems futile to remedy the chatter.


She seriously may have ADD or something similar. What would happen if you left the room? Have you tried it? "hey honey I'm going to go watch this show in the other room. Give me a holler if you need me." then left?


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

You guys sound great!
Sorry but you are not going to stop her from talking. She is who she is. She cant help it. As long as she is getting everything she needs and it sounds like she genuinly is then there is no harm in taking some time for yourself. In fact, I think it will help both of you if you do. You will be more refreshed and ready to listen when you return instead of half hearing what she has to say when she has gone on too long. Its a win/win situation. Keep in mind she may feel insecure if taking some time for yourself is something you havent done too much of. She may wonder why, ask herself if something is wrong. Just reassure her. Imo...dont tell her its partly because she talks too much i think it will just hurt her feelings unecessarily.If you feel you need to say something about it choose your words wisely.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

My head would explode without some down time. 

I had to train the wife to accept that I needed time away - not from her, but from everyone. Time alone. Make sure she understands that it isn't about her, it's about you. Go out on that walk and take those pictures. Then be prepared to answer a lot of questions when you get back - but at least you had that hour.

Her feelings might get a little hurt, and that's just going to have to be OK with you. She'll survive as long as you don't shut her down completely.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Join a gym. Gives you a hour or so of me time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Thank God my husband just tells me to "stop talking so much" rather than suffer in silence


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## Vrs (Jan 23, 2013)

Well on one level I feel for you. I don't have the patience for non-stop listening.

On the other hand - wasn't she already that way when you met her 2 years ago and married her 6 months ago?

If not, when did it start?

If so, what's the big deal now?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Did she not talk like this while you were dating?

Is this a new behavior?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

She's probably heard from others in her life that she talks too much, so it won't exactly be news to her if you said, "I love spending time together, but I've found that I'm neglecting some things that are important to me. I'd like to carve out about ___ hours a week to work on mixing and art. If I could have this quiet time, I think it'd help me be a better listener the rest of the time. How could we make this happen?"


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Skip all the bull**** and tell her the truth. I need some quiet time. If you want to go you need to be quiet. If you cant do it then Im bringing you home or asking you not to go. There are times when I like to soak in my surroundings quietly. Can we agree to give that a try for the sake of my sanity? Otherwise I guess I will have to go alone. Its ridiculous you cant tell her the truth. Any BS would be insulting if she found out you were getting tricky with her because you cant be honest. Eff that beating around the bush.


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

Yep I got the same wife, not sales, radio. Irish gift of gab. Probably didn't handle it well but about 20 years ago had to lay down the law. I do not want to spend 2 hours every evening listening to what you did during the 8 hours at your JOB. Yep, ADD, so am I but the problem is I cannot have two inputs at the same time. It all becomes noise.

Try be polite about it but they don't really realize what they are doing. If I pause for just a second when talking she starts driving. She will get hurt sometimes. 

For TV make sure you have a DVR and pause every time she opens her mouth. Politely ask her to please pause the TV herself if she has something she has to say. If she talks at a movie, get up and move or go get the manager. Ha. Just take some popcorn and shove it in her mouth. Ha.. Seriously, just let her know you would love to go out for drinks and talk about the movie AFTER. One sentence comments only allowed every 15 minutes. 

When ever she says "don't you remember, I told you about that!" I say, "Maybe you did, but was I LISTENING?" 

Amphetamines may actually help out a little.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

YupItsMe said:


> Skip all the bull**** and tell her the truth. I need some quiet time. If you want to go you need to be quiet. If you cant do it then Im bringing you home or asking you not to go. There are times when I like to soak in my surroundings quietly. Can we agree to give that a try for the sake of my sanity? Otherwise I guess I will have to go alone. Its ridiculous you cant tell her the truth. Any BS would be insulting if she found out you were getting tricky with her because you cant be honest. Eff that beating around the bush.


You can and should tell the truth. However, you can do so with anger and nastiness or with some care and consideration for the person you love. You might try giving her the same respect you want her to give you.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Haggis said:


> Noted. I didn't want to rant on and on. I'm with her 99% of our free time. We do everything socially together. I listen to her all the time and share feelings and concerns. She is in no way lacking attention, mentally, physically or spiritually.
> 
> She just never stops talking. I'm looking for advice to temper that down a bit. I can see from friends and family that they get annoyed with it too. She's in sales, does that give you an idea of the personality? The question is how to deal with an over-bearing talkative person that you love, without crushing her feelings?


To clarify my first post in this thread, I didn't mean to imply that you were not doing your share. I didn't come across as clear as I should, but I fear that your wife may be one of those people that may be codependent (???) or just generally needy to the point that if she perceives that you aren't "giving it your all", she may fill that void elsewhere. To me, it looks like your wife may need to seek some professional help to figure out how not to feel the need to constant interaction. Does she have any abandonment issues in her past that need to be addressed with a psychiatrist? Sounds like she's REALLY afraid of being alone. JMHO.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Haggis said:


> I adore my wife. We spend almost all of our free time together, which I enjoy very much. We have been together for two years, married six months. The passion is fantastic, sex is as good as it gets. We solve almost everything usually in quick order.
> 
> The problem; I never get any free time to do my thing. Which would be mix music, do my own art (other than professionally)
> or venture out with my camera and just shoot what ever I choose without her being present.
> ...


Also, talking TOO much especially during movies & TV shows that others are watching is rude & shows poor manners. These habits are very hard to break. How are her listening skills? Does she interrupt constantly to to TELL her stories?

I am guilty of all of the above. Like another poster said, I have been called out many times on my behavior. Because I am aware of it, I actively work on it. 

It is really hard to break bad habits. You can help her become a better communicator when & if you find the courage to discuss this.


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