# He wants out - sending mixed signals though



## Strawberry1984 (Dec 27, 2020)

I apologize ahead if it sounds confusing, there’s so much to the problem, and you’re welcome to ask further in case that it doesn’t seem clear.
Here’s the deal:
Husband and I have been married for 4 y (on December 14) and been together for 7 years. We have two wonderful children together, age 3.5 and 1.5. We’ve ALWAYS had lots and lots of problems, everyday fights and arguments, do not see eye to eye on most things, no respect for one another. Yet, we have stayed together though it all, cause we have hope that things will be better. And because we have small children.
Lately he told me that a therapist we have reached out to are able to take us in. First he went there for 2 single consultations just him. Then I went alone. And then the plan is that we will go together. Now, after my first session he suddenly tells me that he wants this therapy only as a “how do we go about a divorce and the fact that we need to cooperate with shared children” -reason!
That wasn’t what the plan was!
I told that to the therapist at my second session, and she was surprised as this WASN’T what he told her either at their first meeting! He gave her the impression that he wanted to solve things, not ending.
I came home and was upset. Upset and tired of his constant threats of divorcing me! Yes, that’s a thing…every time we fight he tells me he wants a divorce.It hurts, but at the same time I became immune to it. But this time I told him to grow some balls, and to STOP threatening me with a divorce of he’s not anyway is going to do something about it! That its SO damaging to be threatened and yet, and yet, he’s not doing anything about it!
He then filed dicorce papers and sent them to me!
Then I told him to move out!
He’s refusing at this point, but will soon! But what is “soon”…? I feel terrible living here with an individual who’s betrayed me so much, telling me he wants to work on things (although he doesn’t have much belief in us anymore) to that he suddenly says that he wants out and wants a divorce and that therapy is only for “how do we work together after a divorce”!
Next is that he is involving his family in our marriage problems! And he always does! It’s a big problem for me! I find it so personal and disrespectful. I am not mentioning anything to my family or friends! Once we have fully decided what will happen to us, then I will start involving those around me.
I am so hurt at this point. The other day I was at a restaurant with him and his sibling who’s visiting us from abroad and he was acting “sort of” nice and he spoke to me from time to time. Previously he has simply just ignored me. Yet, he has set his mind, but still won’t find a temporary Airbnb, but insists on sleeping in my bed!
I will just add that in between him asking for a divorce, he has several times tried to wake me up in the night to have sex with me! Refused him both times, finding it so degrading! He even told me he wouldn’t mind having another child with me “anyway, we need to cooperate until the kids are 18 years old” or he’s saying” we are anyway in this ****!” He have said this so many times in the past and now again. I have no words for how it makes me feel! As if I’m worthless being married to, but good enough to be a baby producer for him! It’s so disrespectful!


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

If he won't, you should. Divorce papers can always be cancelled, if he decides to give an honest effort to keep the marriage together


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Strawberry1984 said:


> Yet, he has set his mind, but still won’t find a temporary Airbnb, but insists on sleeping in my bed!


His lawyer has probably told him to not leave. You need to have your own attorney, sooner, rather than later. Sex, and especially sex for procreation, needs to be completely off the table. You are going to be alone, caring for your children, with him gone. That is the reality here. Make sure you secure financial support for your kids from him, until they are adults. Give him as little visitation as possible. Get him out of your life and move on.



Strawberry1984 said:


> “how do we work together after a divorce”!


You DON'T "work together". He works, he PAYS, he has NO SAY WHATSOEVER over you, your kids, where you live, what you do, how you do it. PAY. That's all. PAY, and stay out. PAY, or you will throw his a$$ in the slam the first payment he's late with. He picks up your children when it is ORDERED by the court, he brings them back when it is ORDERED by the court. On time, every time. And, he doesn't even think about taking YOUR kids to any other woman. Every time there is even a hint of a violation of his court order, haul him back in, file charges. Get a decree that is ROCK SOLID, with EVERY DETAIL defined, about what HE WILL DO and WHAT HE WILL NOT DO in the future.

Get a the meanest, low-downest, son-of-a-***** lawyer in the state to ensure that this is how you "work" in the future. And, that you don't give a carpenter's damn what he does, as long as he LIVES UP to the court order.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You two seem to have massive communications problems. 

You can't have a marriage if you don't respect each other. You also need a way to resolve differences. Not everything has to end up in a fight. Sometimes especially about trivial things it's best to bite your tongue. 

It sounds like neither of you feel loved or cherished in this marriage. Him ignoring you & threating divorce is problematic. But you calling it "my bed" as opposed to "our bed" then refusing hm sex isn't helping either. What steps have you tried to find your way back to each other? 

Instead you goaded hm into filing for divorce. I know he throws that word around too casually & it hurts but the tone of your post is angry & dismissive. You have no respect for him as a man. You are not kind. It's like the very thought of him triggers you & then you get hostile. You sound tough to be married to. 

Since the papers have been filed, if you are truly done, get yourself a lawyer. Work out a property settlement agreement & figure out what to do about custody. You both have a lot of decisions to make about disconnecting your lives from one another. Working together after the divorce means not being spiteful . . . making sure the kids aren't caught in the middle & having a plan for the big decisions concerning them. Basically you just have to be civil enough to get through events you both have to attend -- games, plays, graduations etc.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Does he still want to leave your country?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Well, there certainly appears to be passionate support on TAM for both sides.

It comes down to what you want. If you want to D by all means do so.

Be prepared that as much as some are encouraging you to go scorched earth here, so will your H. Go scorched earth I mean. He'll want the kids too. And should. 

And that might be the answer.

Decide what YOU want, either way that's the only way you both can start healing.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

D0nnivain said:


> You two seem to have massive communications problems.
> 
> You can't have a marriage if you don't respect each other. You also need a way to resolve differences. Not everything has to end up in a fight. Sometimes especially about trivial things it's best to bite your tongue.
> 
> ...


Why would she have sex with someone who is divorcing her. That just makes it a booty call.

Agree that with the current situation if he says he wants a divorce get your own lawyer and make it civil and fair.



Strawberry1984 said:


> I apologize ahead if it sounds confusing, there’s so much to the problem, and you’re welcome to ask further in case that it doesn’t seem clear.
> Here’s the deal:
> Husband and I have been married for 4 y (on December 14) and been together for 7 years. We have two wonderful children together, age 3.5 and 1.5. We’ve ALWAYS had lots and lots of problems, everyday fights and arguments, do not see eye to eye on most things, no respect for one another. Yet, we have stayed together though it all, cause we have hope that things will be better. And because we have small children.
> Lately he told me that a therapist we have reached out to are able to take us in. First he went there for 2 single consultations just him. Then I went alone. And then the plan is that we will go together. Now, after my first session he suddenly tells me that he wants this therapy only as a “how do we go about a divorce and the fact that we need to cooperate with shared children” -reason!
> ...


So it is normally panned for anyone to continually threaten divorce. It makes a partnership unsafe. It is also that he says therapy is for working on the marriage but then say it is for working on divorce. Did you two have another fight in between these two events? Perhaps the constant strife has changed his mind on working on it.

Please be aware you can't throw him out of a domicile just because you want to. It would be nice if he left but his name is probably on the mortgage or rental agreement. He seems like he's playing games or not sure what he wants.

Please don't have any more children with this man until or unless you two actually create a stable relationship and a way to treat each other with respect.

Are you sure there are no girlfriends or orbiters (girls wanting to be with him). This is often times a source of 'uncertainty' in troubled relationship. Check the phone bill or the phone for texts, calls or apps. Does he guard his phone or freak out if you look at it?

If he isn't cheating you two have to decide are you going to work on it or not. You can make your own choice. 

What is the source of all the fighting? How do you contribute to this? What can you do to change it? Do you communicate issues without yelling and blaming or is it always acrimonious?


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## Strawberry1984 (Dec 27, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Why would she have sex with someone who is divorcing her. That just makes it a booty call.
> 
> Agree that with the current situation if he says he wants a divorce get your own lawyer and make it civil and fair.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your comment. I got very upset actually how he could try and wake me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me, when he just the same evening have told me he doesn’t believe in this marriage. I got upset for a few reasons actually: 1.we have a toddler who wakes me up at least 5-10 times at night = I do not get a proper night of sleep. So for HIM to wake me up, when I finally sleep, because he has needs is just super selfish! I didn’t get upset when he did it. I only asked him to “stop, I’m sleeping” The very next morning we both stood in the kitchen. by coincidence I stood slightly too close to him. He then asks me if I need to stand this close to him!? I got furious by that comment! The man just woke me up a few hours ago, trying to have sex with me and now he has the nerves to tell me that I’m standing too close to him! I feel like his toy in many ways. Like he completely lost respect for me - which he also says that he does!
You ask if something occurred in between those sessions. Yes, everyday is a constant fight between us. We are in a bad sort of loop where we are bickering non stop at each other. Non stop. It’s so sad. It can start with his angry tone (not necessarily the words) coming out of his mouth which I react on. I don’t like being spoken to harshly! Who does..? Example, he met up with me and the kids at a store. The little one was in her stroller, crying. Then he freaks out kind of accusing me, by yelling in the store “why is she crying?! and she’s too hot, don’t you see!?” (She’s been asleep while I walked around in the mall with the kids). I got so humiliated by my husband screaming at me in a shop, and I asked him to stop. Which he didn’t. I then also got loud and told him, “if you’re so upset by her crying and being hot, then pick her up!” (I myself was in the middle of looking for her water in the nursing bag)
Anyway, it can start if by a minor thing and develop into a toxic mess. He has screamed at me in our apartment while the front door was open and neighbors were right outside “you are ****ed up! I am so sick and tired of you!” And when I ask him to close the door, neighbors are outside I am being told, “I don’t give a ****! Let everyone know how ****ed up you are!” I am lost for words when something like this happens! It’s beyond degrading and humiliating and a complete and utterly lack of respect!!!!!


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I did not mean that you should have had sex with him in that moment when he woke you up but I suspect that your sex life was bad before that. 

If your husband screams at you often & everything is a toxic trigger for you just be done already. Consult a lawyer & move forward with divorce. It does not seem like things are fixable because both of you are so angry & hate-filled toward each other there is no path back together. End it already.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Jesus, your relationship is like a dentist pulling a tooth without anesthesia. Get it over with, expedite the divorce and don't look back because if you do, you can't blame anyone but yourself for accepting disrespect. Moreover, if he already gave you divorce papers, what is he doing in the same bed with you, and why are you allowing it? you two should already be completely separated, even if in-house.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Can you go stay with family for a time? You need to gather a plan and get a place for you and the kids so you feel safe.


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## Strawberry1984 (Dec 27, 2020)

Hi again everyone, 
So things have taken a turn. 
today we have a session at the therapist, our first together. At first I didn’t want to go, as I now understand his agenda. But have changed my mind. The thing is that he is super worried about his finances. He says the past few years this relationship has consisted of 95% bad and only 5% good. He therefor says he will proceed with the divorce. And then we can work on our marriage afterwards. Yes, you didn’t get me wrong! He simply wants a divorce to secure his money cause he doesn’t trust our marriage (well, seems more like he doesn’t trust me!) and therefor he wants the part of the finances covered… I told him it seems to me like that he just came up with a second best solution, since I 4 months ago wasn’t willing to sign a prenup - yes, signing a prenup when things between up were bad and we’ve already been married for 4 years! He says he’ll have to share 50% with me if we won’t get a divorce. He also says that he will always try and help me financially after a divorce, due to us having children together.
I am so confused! I find it repulsing and so degrading how he’s thinking! Especially since he’s a man who’s mantra is ‘money comes, money goes’. And he likes to spend money - I’m the opposite. I’ve always looked after the money and tried for him to also save money. But have been called boring for being that way. 
I am so disappointed in the way he thinks now and by his plan. And I’m quite worried what about if the therapist for whatever reason would see some logic in his agenda, cause the way he’s thinking is a complete NO-GO for me!


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Strawberry1984 said:


> Hi again everyone,
> So things have taken a turn.
> today we have a session at the therapist, our first together. At first I didn’t want to go, as I now understand his agenda. But have changed my mind. The thing is that he is super worried about his finances. He says the past few years this relationship has consisted of 95% bad and only 5% good. He therefor says he will proceed with the divorce. And then we can work on our marriage afterwards. Yes, you didn’t get me wrong! He simply wants a divorce to secure his money cause he doesn’t trust our marriage (well, seems more like he doesn’t trust me!) and therefor he wants the part of the finances covered… I told him it seems to me like that he just came up with a second best solution, since I 4 months ago wasn’t willing to sign a prenup - yes, signing a prenup when things between up were bad and we’ve already been married for 4 years! He says he’ll have to share 50% with me if we won’t get a divorce. He also says that he will always try and help me financially after a divorce, due to us having children together.
> I am so confused! I find it repulsing and so degrading how he’s thinking! Especially since he’s a man who’s mantra is ‘money comes, money goes’. And he likes to spend money - I’m the opposite. I’ve always looked after the money and tried for him to also save money. But have been called boring for being that way.
> I am so disappointed in the way he thinks now and by his plan. And I’m quite worried what about if the therapist for whatever reason would see some logic in his agenda, cause the way he’s thinking is a complete NO-GO for me!


I wouldn't trust anybody's word about helping when they are no longer required to do so.


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## Strawberry1984 (Dec 27, 2020)

jonty30 said:


> I wouldn't trust anybody's word about helping when they are no longer required to do so.


I agree. And who knows if there in the future will be a new “mrs and new children” in the picture who also would vote against him helping his ex out financially…. The whole thing is just became so nasty and rotten with his reason for wanting a divorce. I’ve made it clear that I am attending the therapist in order to try and work on us. As a married couple. Not as a divorced couple. But even if he were to for whatever reason “to change his mind” in this matter…how do I know that he haven’t planned a different way of securing himself - maybe to hide his income/hide his money?! This will probably always sit on the back of my mind…even if we proceed with the marriage as is and not get a divorce


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## Strawberry1984 (Dec 27, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> Jesus, your relationship is like a dentist pulling a tooth without anesthesia. Get it over with, expedite the divorce and don't look back because if you do, you can't blame anyone but yourself for accepting disrespect. Moreover, if he already gave you divorce papers, what is he doing in the same bed with you, and why are you allowing it? you two should already be completely separated, even if in-house.


Your comparison made me giggle a bit…but it’s sad, because it’s true…😔
He won’t move out yet. He haven’t found himself something. I’ve asked him to sleep on the couch. He won’t. Now he’s in our bed but laying at the foot end, like the opposite way than me. 
He is self employed and earns quite well recently. He always speaks about money comes and money goes. And that he’s good financially now. So I’ve asked him multiple times why the hell he won’t just move out? If he has money, and he doesn’t want to stay married to me, then move out. His explanation is the kids. That we first need to come to agreement about them-the setup of how we’re gonna do it in the future after a divorce. Coming up with all sorts of reasons! Please read my latest update in regards to the meeting at the therapist today. What his agenda of therapy is… 😠


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Strawberry1984 said:


> Your comparison made me giggle a bit…but it’s sad, because it’s true…😔
> He won’t move out yet. He haven’t found himself something. I’ve asked him to sleep on the couch. He won’t. Now he’s in our bed but laying at the foot end, like the opposite way than me.
> He is self employed and earns quite well recently. He always speaks about money comes and money goes. And that he’s good financially now. So I’ve asked him multiple times why the hell he won’t just move out? If he has money, and he doesn’t want to stay married to me, then move out. His explanation is the kids. That we first need to come to agreement about them-the setup of how we’re gonna do it in the future after a divorce. Coming up with all sorts of reasons! Please read my latest update in regards to the meeting at the therapist today. What his agenda of therapy is… 😠


The agenda is procrastination.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Strawberry1984 said:


> I apologize ahead if it sounds confusing, there’s so much to the problem, and you’re welcome to ask further in case that it doesn’t seem clear.
> Here’s the deal:
> Husband and I have been married for 4 y (on December 14) and been together for 7 years. We have two wonderful children together, age 3.5 and 1.5. We’ve ALWAYS had lots and lots of problems, everyday fights and arguments, do not see eye to eye on most things, no respect for one another. Yet, we have stayed together though it all, cause we have hope that things will be better. And because we have small children.
> Lately he told me that a therapist we have reached out to are able to take us in. First he went there for 2 single consultations just him. Then I went alone. And then the plan is that we will go together. Now, after my first session he suddenly tells me that he wants this therapy only as a “how do we go about a divorce and the fact that we need to cooperate with shared children” -reason!
> ...


You need to take back control, you have allowed him to dictate all the terms.
Forget about counselling, he doesn't deserve such a gift. Believe that he wants to divorce you and act accordingly, get ahead of the curve on this.
I know you are hurting but you cannot let him simply use you.
Insist he moves to another bedroom, tell him there will be no sex. As far as you are concerned you believe he wants a divorce so you are acting accordingly, no washing, laundry, cooking etc for him. 
Go get a good lawyer and see what your options are
Tell all your family and friends what is happening, please stop hiding this or covering for him. You cannot trust him on any level, he is emotionally abusive.
Get STD tested, he could well have someone else lined up.
Tell him you are done with talking, no more counselling or anything for him. Keep asking him to leave. If he will not act as if he is only a room mate, do nothing for him at all.
Ask your lawyer what you should do if living separately.
YOU can do this. Get the support of your family and friends to carry this through.


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## Strawberry1984 (Dec 27, 2020)

jonty30 said:


> The agenda is procrastination.


I’m sorry. I’m not quite sure what you mean. Do you mean that his agenda is trying to postpone the divorce. Sorry, I’m not Native American🙂
When I wrote “what his agenda is” I meant that to me it’s quite clear what it is. He’s trying to protect his money. He/we didn’t make a prenup when we got married. The way I see it, he’s trying to get a divorce through, and then to do his desired prenup and then to maybe start all over with me again!!!!


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Strawberry1984 said:


> I’m sorry. I’m not quite sure what you mean. Do you mean that his agenda is trying to postpone the divorce. Sorry, I’m not Native American🙂
> When I wrote “what his agenda is” I meant that to me it’s quite clear what it is. He’s trying to protect his money. He/we didn’t make a prenup when we got married. The way I see it, he’s trying to get a divorce through, and then to do his desired prenup and then to maybe start all over with me again!!!!


Procrastination means to keep putting something off that needs to be done.
If somebody wants to do something, they will do something. The more they want to do it, the more quickly they will act.
If they don't really want to do something, they will procrastinate or keep putting it off. In this case, since it may be about money if he wanted out enough, he would have signed a financial agreement with you.

He may be in a war of wills with you to try and get you to bend on the financials in a way that is favourable to him.
He may be hoping that by keeping you from moving forward with your life that you'll sign anything to get rid of him.

If he won't move the process forward, you move the process forward.


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## Strawberry1984 (Dec 27, 2020)

jonty30 said:


> Procrastination means to keep putting something off that needs to be done.
> If somebody wants to do something, they will do something. The more they want to do it, the more quickly they will act.
> If they don't really want to do something, they will procrastinate or keep putting it off. In this case, since it may be about money if he wanted out enough, he would have signed a financial agreement with you.
> 
> ...


Thanks for explaining. He wants to sign a financial agreement with me. That was the topic under last huge fight we had; that he gave me an ultimatum; divorce or I’ll sigh a prenup stating what’s mine is mine and what’s his is his! I contacted several lawyers who all adviced me NOT to sign! which I obviously didn’t do. He didn’t divorce me back then. Now it seems like he’s again setting an ultimatum; either we get a divorce and start from scratch. Or we just get a divorce! Yes sounds so far out! How do we go on from here? At this very moment I’m waiting with him for our first therapy session! I don’t feel like there’s anything to say in there on my end!


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Strawberry1984 said:


> Thanks for explaining. He wants to sign a financial agreement with me. That was the topic under last huge fight we had; that he gave me an ultimatum; divorce or I’ll sigh a prenup stating what’s mine is mine and what’s his is his! I contacted several lawyers who all adviced me NOT to sign! which I obviously didn’t do. He didn’t divorce me back then. Now it seems like he’s again setting an ultimatum; either we get a divorce and start from scratch. Or we just get a divorce! Yes sounds so far out! How do we go on from here? At this very moment I’m waiting with him for our first therapy session! I don’t feel like there’s anything to say in there on my end!


You can still proceed with the divorce without signing anything and let the courts handle it.
Some men just have to think they've won, so you could give in a bit from your side, just to see if he will accept a bit of compromise from you and proceed with the divorce.
I just looked it up Denmark does allow one partner to proceed with the divorce if the other partner is not cooperative. Tell him that you will proceed without him if there is no agreement before going to the judge.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Strawberry1984 said:


> I will just add that in between him asking for a divorce, he has several times tried to wake me up in the night to have sex with me! Refused him both times, finding it so degrading! He even told me he wouldn’t mind having another child with me “anyway, we need to cooperate until the kids are 18 years old” or he’s saying” we are anyway in this ****!”


Can you say "roller coaster ride". This guy is not normal.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I remember your other thread. You two really need to divorce. He doesn't like living in your country nor your little bitty apartment. He doesn't like your family in his face all of the time. You refuse to accommodate him on any level. Cut him loose. Try to find another Dane who understands your culture.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

See an attorney before signing anything!

Any father should be obligated to support his kids monthly with money. For him to even think it’s his choosing is ridiculous.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Stop trying to push a rope. You just go in circles. Let him go and free yourself.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It sounds like you aren't taking his wanting a divorce seriously and are dragging your feet, and so I'm sure someone told him sometimes going to counseling together made it easier to communicate this stuff with a mediator there. 

You need to stop denying it and just let him go. Get yourself an attorney, not a counselor. Don't stay where you're not wanted. Face reality. It's over. I'm very sorry this is understandably hurtful to you, but you can't make something so just by wishing it. Please take care of yourself and get an attorney and make plans to support yourself.


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## Strawberry1984 (Dec 27, 2020)

Hi everyone,
And thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I’ve read each of them and I really appreciate that there are strangers out there in cyber world who are willing to spend time giving another stranger their perspective on things.
Anyway, today we had a very long talk/discussion.
To make a long story short, we are extremely different. We discussed some of the area where we don’t see eye to eye.
One of the topics;
He’s a spender, I’m a saver. I’m conservative moneywise and careful. I need to feel financial secure. He loves having fun, having and giving a good/fun time, he is self employed and working hard for his money (it’s finally starting to go well for him financially, after years of struggling) and he’s therefor saying that he also want to enjoy the hard work by buying fun stuff…like, a new big electric car (the car he looked at coats approximately 122.000 usd (!) and/or a motorcycle for his bday and/or a Rolex for 60.000 usd!!!!
Mind you, that we live downtown, right next to busses, trains and a subway! He’s working from home! There’s no need for a car and he even admits that! But he just wants to be able to drive outside of the town on the weekends or go on roadtrips with the kids (and me).
We do not need a car! It’s completely insane! Neither does he need a Rolex or a motorcycle! There’s something wrong with his attitude towards money in my opinion. Anyway, when speaking of shared accounts/split finances today, I suggested that we should put all our money into one pot and pull out what’s needed for rent, household, reoccurring expenses etc! And then as well take out the same amount each as some kind of “allowance’. We thereby get the same amount each to use how we please. In my opinion that’s how a family structure should look like; as a unity. We build a family together, we share kids together, we both contribute in different ways to keeping the wheels of our family running, so it should also be fair by splitting it like that. He doesn’t agree at all! Just the thought of the word having an ‘allowance’ destroys it for him. He wants an account for all reoccurring expenses, based on how much each person earns. Now, he earns much more than me, and will therefor put more into the shared account. But he still says that if he think it makes sense to buy big thinks, he will do so, by using money from his own account. I obviously don’t think it’s fair! Instead of saving money, he wants to spend because he wants to have fun and spoil himself. He will be able to afford himself expensive things, I can’t and also won’t. I have a goal of earning enough so we can buy something. He said he’ll be able to do both; having a fun like, while also save up for a place (!!!?). He says he want to control his own hard worked money and won’t feel controlled by me and looked over the shoulder in regards to “what have you now bought?/why are you even considering buying that!!?!”

What’s your perspective on this?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Strawberry1984 said:


> Hi everyone,
> And thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I’ve read each of them and I really appreciate that there are strangers out there in cyber world who are willing to spend time giving another stranger their perspective on things.
> Anyway, today we had a very long talk/discussion.
> To make a long story short, we are extremely different. We discussed some of the area where we don’t see eye to eye.
> ...


122.000Krone car is not a bad price to pay.
But a 60.000 watch is insane.
I bought a 1030Krone Casio watch which is quite nice, but not too expensive

Your long-term styles may be just too different.
You'll always be financially insecure and he will feel too restrained.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

These are miles apart in terms of personal styles and goals.
What is your plan moving forward? Can you stay in this situation and feel safe or is this a deal breaker for you?


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## Strawberry1984 (Dec 27, 2020)

jonty30 said:


> 122.000Krone car is not a bad price to pay.
> But a 60.000 watch is insane.
> I bought a 1030Krone Casio watch which is quite nice, but not too expensive
> 
> ...


No, not 122.000 kroner, but dollars!!! He wants to buy a car for 122.000 dollars and a Rolex for minimum 60.000 dollars!!!!


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Strawberry1984 said:


> No, not 122.000 kroner, but dollars!!! He wants to buy a car for 122.000 dollars and a Rolex for minimum 60.000 dollars!!!!


He's insane.
I'd rather put the money to work.
That's potentially 7.000/yr he could earn without working for it.
In a few years, if he put away his money on some blue chip stocks, he wouldn't have to work again.


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## Strawberry1984 (Dec 27, 2020)

Beach123 said:


> These are miles apart in terms of personal styles and goals.
> What is your plan moving forward? Can you stay in this situation and feel safe or is this a deal breaker for you?


I honestly don’t know how to feel at this point. Things aren’t simple, as we have two small children together. My personal biggest wish is for us to live happily as a whole family. I don’t feel like we should get a divorce. I think it’s a big mistake on both sides. We ne we ever worked on our many problems. We always tried to “fix” them ourselves, but obviously we have prove me each other time after time that we don’t know HOW to fix them. So we went to therapy. What makes me sad is that felt like we (he) is gaveling up without a fight. Without actually working on us. 
Finacually, our outlook on money, are miles apart!! I don’t think it is normal to look at his business as HIS. ITS OURS.Abs therefore big financial purchases should be discussed. To say that he won’t be controlled by me or any one in his to spend his hard earned money is in my world selfish!!!


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## Strawberry1984 (Dec 27, 2020)

jonty30 said:


> He's insane.
> I'd rather put the money to work.
> That's potentially 7.000/yr he could earn without working for it.
> In a few years, if he put away his money on some blue chip stocks, he wouldn't have to work again.


I agree. In general what upsets me is his mindset about money. We don’t have any financial security. We don’t “owe” anything as a couple. We live in a small rental. He says he is willing to move out of town and buy a house in the suburbs. But I know that he’s the type of guy who’s ALWAYS on the hunt for his next big purchase. He likes to buy things. And expensive things! He earns money now and therefor feel’s entitled to SPOIL himself as he puts it!


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Strawberry1984 said:


> I agree. In general what upsets me is his mindset about money. We don’t have any financial security. We don’t “owe” anything as a couple. We live in a small rental. He says he is willing to move out of town and buy a house in the suburbs. But I know that he’s the type of guy who’s ALWAYS on the hunt for his next big purchase. He likes to buy things. And expensive things! He earns money now and therefor feel’s entitled to SPOIL himself as he puts it!


Maybe he's uncomfortable about holding onto money. 
Do you have an understanding of his background that might at the root why he thinks he has to spend money as fast as he makes it?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Strawberry1984 said:


> I apologize ahead if it sounds confusing, there’s so much to the problem, and you’re welcome to ask further in case that it doesn’t seem clear.
> Here’s the deal:
> Husband and I have been married for 4 y (on December 14) and been together for 7 years. We have two wonderful children together, age 3.5 and 1.5. We’ve ALWAYS had lots and lots of problems, everyday fights and arguments, do not see eye to eye on most things, no respect for one another. Yet, we have stayed together though it all, cause we have hope that things will be better. And because we have small children.
> Lately he told me that a therapist we have reached out to are able to take us in. First he went there for 2 single consultations just him. Then I went alone. And then the plan is that we will go together. Now, after my first session he suddenly tells me that he wants this therapy only as a “how do we go about a divorce and the fact that we need to cooperate with shared children” -reason!
> ...


Girl, you need to take back your control and not let this POS walk all over you. I suspect he has someone else lined up and he wants to testdrive the new woman and have you as a back up plan, somewhere cosy to land. You need to burst that bubble and act like you mean it.

YOU pack his **** and move it to the front doorstep. if he wont leave, tell him to sleep in the basement or spare room. Lock your bedroom door every night.
Stop doing his laundry, making his food, do nothing for him. He wants to be free then you tell him you are free which includes you not doing anything for him.
Do the 180, no communication about anything except the kids. Believe that it is over and you act accordingly.
Go and get STD tested
Tell one or two close friends/sibling so that you have the support
Get a lawyer to advise and next course of action.
Start to go out, do things for yourself, gym, a mothers club, etc
Are you working?
The go and see an attorney
BTW, your H is an abusive bully, youd be better off without him


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

aine said:


> YOU pack his **** and move it to the front doorstep. if he won't leave, tell him to sleep in the basement or spare room. Lock your bedroom door every night.


I don't know if she can do that in her country, but here in the US she can't without legal repercussions. Is as much his place of dwelling as hers, his bedroom, just as hers. If she can't stand him in the same bedroom and he's not willing to move out of the bedroom, and or out of the house she can move herself (it's a rental so no an issue to contest in a divorce). Otherwise; if neither will give in, then status quo it is. 

To her own detriment she stated: 



Strawberry1984 said:


> I don’t feel like we should get a divorce


She's been stalling the inevitable. Plus it doesn't seem that she has retained a lawyer yet. Foolish.


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