# I hate relying on my husband for help.



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

This is a character flaw of mine that I am trying to work through. Its not just my husband, its having to rely on anyone. I hate asking for help. I hate the feeling of helplessness and I do anything in my power to avoid it. When I am forced to ask him for help, I feel stupid and ashamed.

It happened this morning. I left for work and a mile down the road lights are coming on the dashboard - had low air in one of my tires. Got myself to an air pump at the gas station and attempt to refill the tire myself. Everytime I attempt to use the air pump I am actually losing air in my tire rather than filling it. My tire deflated to being totally flat. Now what I thought was going to be an easy fix is turning into a big ordeal, and I am very late for work on the worst possible day to be late, and I freaked out and called my H. He is already halfway to work himself and immediately I felt stupid for calling him, especially letting him hear what a frazzled mess I was. I was so convinced that I was doing something wrong with the air pump and that it was my fault it wasn't working. My knee jerk reaction was to call H to rescue me and I HATE that. I feel so stupid afterwards. He was clearly halfway to work and nowhere nearby so I told him don't worry about it and got up my resolve to take care of it myself. Asked a stranger to help me push the car into a parking space and called AAA. Turns out the valve went bad and had broken which is why it deflated. So it wasn't my fault but still ...hearing the annoyed tone in H's voice and hearing "I am halfway to work, do you really want me to turn around now?" Makes me cringe. 

I do rely on H obviously for some things, we need a combined income to make it work, I couldn't pay the bills by myself. And we do have a fairly standard division of labor where he does the "manly" things like yard work, car maintenance, etc. But I also know how to do those things so if he wasn't around its not like I couldn't do it. I know how to work the lawnmower, and do mow the grass for him when he can't. So I feel ok accepting help when I know its just a courtesy thing and that I can still do it myself if necessary. I can't stand being completely incompetent at something and just totally helpless.

I guess I need to work on this, I don't know. I am beating myself up today for the car incident this morning when I know I shouldn't. I just had that pure moment of damsel in distress this morning and I hate that. 

We are taught as women to pretend to be helpless in front of men, let them be our knight in shining armor, and on the other hand also taught to never be completely codependent on a man, gotta be strong, independent, a cut above. So which is it? I struggle with this dichotomy and I think I've swung a little too far into the independent streak.

I have always been a fierce, go-getter, independent personality from a young age and I have been doing some soul searching lately to try to dial it back a bit and be a bit more...I don't know...stereotypical feminine? But there is a lot of self loathing involved in getting there. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Is there anyone who doesn't hate feeling helpless? 

It sounds like you've got a pretty healthy outlook other than blaming yourself when fate decides it's time to remind you that it's more powerful than you are.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

If that works for you, that works. If it were me it would run off my back like water if the wife called me in the middle of day and told me of her car troubles. You didn't ask for help and I didn't know about it. Hope that worked out AOK.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

kag123 said:


> So it wasn't my fault but still ...hearing the annoyed tone in H's voice and hearing "I am halfway to work, do you really want me to turn around now?" Makes me cringe.


This to me is your problem. If I call my husband for help he jumps at the chance to be my hero. He's never annoyed with me for needing him.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> This to me is your problem. If I call my husband for help he jumps at the chance to be my hero. He's never annoyed with me for needing him.


I almost had the same comment, but I could see a possibility that he was just speaking in the moment. It sounded like he would have been willing if it was really necessary, which I do think is a good thing.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Over the past 9 years I've been working on dialing down my independence with my husband. I used to be all I am woman hear me roar...I don't need no stinkin man. LOL And truthfully I still don't. However I do know it makes my husband feel good to be my hero sometimes. I'm no weakling so I won't be asking him to open jars anytime soon but I do find plenty of times when his help is welcomed. I appreciate him for that and we get on with life. I may not NEED him but he is sure nice to have around so I don't to be alone. Could I deal with a flat tire? Yes. Do I want to? Not really so I call him.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Over the past 9 years I've been working on dialing down my independence with my husband. I used to be all I am woman hear me roar...I don't need no stinkin man. LOL And truthfully I still don't. However I do know it makes my husband feel good to be my hero sometimes. I'm no weakling so I won't be asking him to open jars anytime soon but I do find plenty of times when his help is welcomed. I appreciate him for that and we get on with life. I may not NEED him but he is sure nice to have around so I don't to be alone. Could I deal with a flat tire? Yes. Do I want to? Not really so I call him.


Ditto. 

Although as I'm getting older and am limited by arthritis, I'm finding lots of reasons to appreciate someone who is ok with me relying on him for stuff. :smthumbup:


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

It's hard to describe, I guess.

I am feeling even more self conscious about it after my latest post regarding my husbands job search and many different replies seemed to come to the conclusion that I am constantly emasculating my husband. 

I hear many different "rules" for women - I was raised mostly by my father to be tough as nails, never show your weakness, you are as strong as any man. There was a kind of shame and defeat involved when you had to ask for help. And I took this to heart and maybe to an extreme, almost. Then as an adult I hear - don't emasculate your husband, and feminine traits such as gentleness, a bit of neediness, being coy, catering to your man, feeding his ego - is all a GOOD thing. So I have been fed two different models of what is "right" - should I let him be my knight in shining armor, or should I be more true to myself and never ask for help?

For what it's worth, when I do ask my husband for help, he is usually helpful although occasionally it breeds resentment. It truly depends on what it is that I am asking him to do. Womanly chores are seen as emasculating I suppose - I got chastised pretty heavily in my other thread for asking my husband to take on some of the childcare responsibilities while I am working. But I guess calling him for a car repair is supposed to be a good thing? 

I am confused, I dont know how to play this game. I dont even want to play the game. I want to do everything myself, 100% of the time. At the very least trust that if everyone on earth died and I was the sole survivor, I would KNOW how to do everything else myself. Knowing that is impossible, I delegate some of these duties to my H. In my head, why does it matter what it is or how it is split, as long as it's relatively fair for both parties with no one shouldering a large portion of the work while the other is left with nothing to do. And I think there should be a flex involved...when one of us is under a lot of stress or in a tough position with work...the other should pick up a bit more of the slack. But then I heard that he's resentful of this arrangement (based on my other thread) and that I shouldn't ask him for certain things, like extra childcare. The truth is I dont want to ask for anything, ever, period. It pains me to ever ask for help, but to hear from others that I might be making him angry or resentful by having chosen essentially the wrong tasks to break off and ask him to help with, makes me feel worse about myself.

I don't know...hard to convey the issues I have about this...

The car thing just hit me especially hard this morning because it solidified for me that somewhere inside is that weak person who does freak out under stress, which is exactly what I dont want to be.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

My wife relies on me for some things. But I rely on her for things too.

But I have to admit that I do get annoyed being her personal dictionary for decades. Honey, how do you spell "pain in the ass"?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

This is just one man's experience...

My wife would accurately describe herself as fiercely independent. She hates to ask for help - she may even find herself in a predicament like the one you mentioned with the car and specifically not call me for fear of being needy...she'd rather walk miles to get help from someone else. Took me a long time to understand just how deep her fear of dependence runs.

Over time, I started to realize that I was more of a "we" person - I viewed our problems as combined problems, our property as combined property, our needs as our needs, etc. She is more of an "I" person - I am independent, I do not need help, I can do it myself. As a result, I started to feel very needy at times - after all, I was the only one asking for things. 

I didn't even realize I did it, but to "fit" in the marriage, I became more independent. I stopped asking for help too. No one asked for help any more. Turns out we were both perfectly capable of not being dependent on each other. 

Of course, there was always the occasional issue that required help, and we'd begrudgingly ask for it - like you did with the car. And the one being asked would be very resentful - "Oh yeah, you're Mr./Ms. Independence when you want to be, but I'm supposed to drop everything when you don't." Because there is nothing worse as an independent person to not get help from a spouse but have them expect help from you... even though the spouse was never given the opportunity to help in the first place.

We eventually separated from this unhealthy dynamic and it wasn't really that much of an adjustment. After all, we were so independent at that point it didn't much matter.

I find it all very sad. I don't know if I'm right or wrong, but in my opinion, confronting the fear of how you look when asking for help seems like a very very good investment to me. Do not "delegate" things. Just include, and decide things together - no matter how big or small.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

kag123 said:


> I was raised mostly by my father to be tough as nails, never show your weakness, you are as strong as any man. There was a kind of shame and defeat involved when you had to ask for help.
> 
> The truth is I dont want to ask for anything, ever, period. It pains me to ever ask for help


I'm sure your father meant well but I'm not sure he did do you any real favors with these life lessons. This attitude squares up poorly with certain life goals such as a satisfying marriage and an increasingly intimate long term relationship


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> I'm sure your father meant well but I'm not sure he did do you any real favors with these life lessons. This attitude squares up poorly with certain life goals such as a satisfying marriage and an increasingly intimate long term relationship


I was taught to be the same way. In some respects, it served me well. I made it through 10 years of being single and was able to make it on my own. It taught me to never need a man, even though I wanted one. 

I am married and love my husband....but I still don't need a man. I'm never going to feel different. I would love to think differently, but after dating men for 10 years and being so disappointed too many times, I have to be independent. Too many times, men loved me and wanted to be with me, then they dumped me. I learned that I couldn't count on anyone but me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

As long as you don't complain about it later, fine.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

kag123 said:


> I hear many different "rules" for women - I was raised mostly by my father to be tough as nails, never show your weakness, you are as strong as any man. There was a kind of shame and defeat involved when you had to ask for help. And I took this to heart and maybe to an extreme, almost. Then as an adult I hear - don't emasculate your husband, and feminine traits such as gentleness, a bit of neediness, being coy, catering to your man, feeding his ego - is all a GOOD thing. So I have been fed two different models of what is "right" - should I let him be my knight in shining armor, or should I be more true to myself and never ask for help?


I had the same type father. 

Over the years I've learned a key word. Balance. I don't play games and I'm myself. However I did need to learn to ask for help sometimes.

I've unintentionally emasculated my husband because I acted as if he served no purpose to me except for sex. Yeah that went over real well. NOT! 

What I've learned is neither model is 'right' what you want to aim for is somewhere in the middle.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I had the same type father.
> 
> Over the years I've learned a key word. Balance. I don't play games and I'm myself. However I did need to learn to ask for help sometimes.
> 
> ...


Intellectually I understand there is a need for balance, but in practice it is difficult for me to decipher what is a good trait vs a bad one. And I feel right now like I am failing to achieve a good mix. 

This has been weighing on my mind a lot lately.

We just bought our first house in Jan. Before that we always lived in apartments. We decided to put in a very large garden in early spring. Neither of us have any experience tending to even the most basic yard/plants, so needless to say we got in a little over our heads.

I have learned a lot while tending to the garden. I have not yet mastered the art of continually tending it like I should. I have streaks where I am great and I water it every day and fertilize. Then we get busy and we go a few days in between and everything starts to wilt and the plants show their damage. Every plant has its harvest period...and I am guilty of tending to the most needy plants first...for example overlooking the cucumber plants that are not yet producing in favor of the zucchini that are growing so fast I can barely keep up with them. One day seemingly overnight the garden is overflowing with weeds. I go out there to pick them all out and it's a tedious process. I scold myself for having not been on top of it as they came in instead of letting them takeover. I pick them little by little each time I tend the garden. Then the thought occurs to me, why not do something to try to prevent them in the first place? So I spend an hour in the weed killer aisle at the store completely overwhelmed by the choices and don't know what to buy.

Its a good metaphor for my marriage. I try to tend to it, I am guilty of being overwhelmed and sometimes overlooking portions that are not screaming for attention. I try to do preventative maintenece but a lot of times I feel like I don't know what I am doing or what the right solution is. Some days we've got a lot of zucchini going right, but the tomato plants are on the other side wilting and have some kind of fungus on them. No matter what combination I try it seems like I am still no closer to achieving balance or feeling in control.

Then I turn on HGTV and they make it look like the easiest thing in the world. Sigh. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

On this topic where I started was by reading/studying about men. How they think, what they want, how they view their wives, etc. I studied personality types as it related to MY marriage. I looked into our dynamic (controlling, independent woman marries passive, doormat guy). I read about how passive men lead or attempt to lead. I studied my husband and began to apply what I'd learned to him. Total trial and error. I tried the submissive thing and went too far that direction too. I resented saying yes all the time when I really wanted to say no or at least voice my opinion.

It's taken me years to find this balance but I think I've finally got it.

Oh and I've given up on being in control. Total myth. The only thing I can control is me and my reactions.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

What did you read to understand your husband better? 

We have the same dynamic - independent strong willed (read: b!tch LOL) woman meets passive doormat classic "nice guy".

Maybe this is a common combination?

I have to say that we complimented each other nicely in the beginning. He admired me for my confidence and determination (his words) and I admired him for his ability to remain calm, cool and collected all of the time. As time goes on though the personality divide deepens. H is a non-talker. He can literally go days without speaking anything of significance , beyond one word answers to questions. I have to pry all conversation out of him with a crowbar. Most of the time I can only take guesses at what he is thinking or feeling, and I am sure half of the time I am guessing wrong. I am straight forward, brutally honest, a bull in a china shop so to speak. So I do the talking and he does that not talking. Except that I want to hear him speak to me. I have tried all tactics I can think of to open him up, understand him better, make sure I am not steam rolling him. I have tried to be the ultimate submissive wife and as you know, that didn't work either.

I would love to understand him more.

I am just now, at 28 years old, starting to understand the art of subtlety. The older I get the more I realize I have so much left to learn. I am studying my husband like those nature documentaries where they sit in a camouflaged tent and observe for weeks without disturbing the animals. Only I am still scratching my head and not getting it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

I strongly suggest you read: Florence Littauer - Personality Plus.

It explains quite well the different personality types and the dynamics that arise from that. 

It may help you a great deal in understanding.

Furthermore make a commitment to personal growth. You don't really expect that psychological pathways built up for years during childhood would be rewired fast do you?

Keep at it and you will reap the rewards.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

kag123 said:


> What did you read to understand your husband better?
> 
> We have the same dynamic - independent strong willed (read: b!tch LOL) woman meets passive doormat classic "nice guy".
> 
> ...


My story is similar. And yes I think this is a common dynamic. B!tch marries passive man.

I've read so much about this and much of it spiritual/religious. Would that offend you? Just wanted to know before I made recommendations. I'm no bible thumper but I am spiritual and on my path I did need to address men's desire to lead their wives.

Where we are now is more balanced. I'm nicER and he's less passive. We've got a ways to go but I know I'm on the right path. He's definately happier now that I'm letting him have more control. I'm happier because I know how to speak my mind without coming across as a b!tch. It's all in learning how to communicate with a passive man. They do spook easily which is why they stop talking. Women like us overpower them and they give up.


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