# Husband upset with my lack of interest



## kwill86697 (Mar 23, 2012)

I've always been primarily uninterested in sex. Don't mind bjs for him but orgasm isn't important for me at all. This frustrates him to no end. We had a long discussion last night and after 28 years of marriage came to the conclusion that I have a VERY puritanical view of sex. My idea of what's normal is so much more narrow minded than his. Anything more than basic missionary is "kinky" to me. He has tried to spice things up with lingerie, restraints, toys but I don't react positively emotionally or physically. My body indicates I enjoy the things he does but my mind gets in the way thinking it's wrong. He gets turned on when I do have an orgasm but it seems to be more work for me than it's worth. He wants me to "pursue" him but I don't feel comfortable doing that - comes off as awkward. Lots of rambling in this post but not really sure where to begin.


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## aw9d (Feb 17, 2010)

Well I can say that you sound a lot like my wife. And its caused us nothing but problems for years and years.

I am huge into sex and want to keep trying new things, toys, lingerie, whatever sounds fun at the time.

My wife on the other hand isn't really into sex. She has her moments where she lets her freak flag fly but that's almost only when she is drunk. Her issue is she is self-esteem issues and thinks she is 'doing it wrong' or is 'gross in that outfit'. It's all in her head and when she drinks, those thoughts tend to go away and she can have fun again. I've told her so many times "I wish you could just take over my brain and see you the way I see you, then you'd know how sexy you really are". 


Honestly, and this may be kinda bad to say, you will have issues with your husband and sooner or later, he's going to go out looking for the sex he wants. Again, been with my wife 10 years, and it wasn't always a rut in the sex dept. But for some reason, her self-esteem took a dump and that's what's keeping her from having fun. It's caused me to go out and look for women, but I never proceed with it because I do love my wife, and I think cheating is just a bull**** excuse. I've never cheated before, but the lack of passionate sex is something that is VERY hard for me to live with.

I'm not really sure if I'm any help but I did want to share what I've been through. Some guys, sex is THAT important.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Where do the puritanical thoughts originate? Have you always been inhibited?

I was very inhibited when I first married. I was brought Catholic and the nuns drummed it into our heads that sex was for procreation.

With the help of my husband and reading about the joys of sex, I have changed. 

We have mutually satisfying sex that is loving. I worked out with my husband how I can be aroused. He has to do it because 

I have spontaneous arousal and desire only once a month and that is not often enough for us to stay connected.

There are two books in my signature that are excellent. They are written by a husband and wife. They explore the emotional aspects of sex for men and woman. 

Also read about male and female sexuality, there are excellent books that you can find on Amazon. It is essential that your husband read them too. He can also select books for you both to read. 

I think it is wonderful that you have the desire to make him happy and you care about how he feels after so many years. You both musty be good people to maintain an emotional bond fro so many years.

You request for help is an excellent sign that you will get what you want. There will be other posters, and you will get some advice. Pick the advice that seems applicable to your situation. 

Keep posting on your progress even if it is uneven. Best of luck to you and your husband.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

So what's the question or the point you're making?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> So what's the question or the point you're making?


She wants to know how she can "make" herself want her husband.

I got nothing.

I feel for your husband.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

I guess if your here, you should feel sad enough to think you've wasted 28 YEARS. Talk to somebody in a counselor, clergy type role about this. Maybe there is a small chance of hope.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You may get some hostile responses because of the experience of some members. 

But I am certain you are resolute enough to wait for more supportive posters who can offer suggestions and not a constant barrage of useless hostility. 

Just know that it is an expression of their pain and not a reflection on you. Please come back and keep posting.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

kwill86697 said:


> I've always been primarily uninterested in sex. Don't mind bjs for him but orgasm isn't important for me at all. This frustrates him to no end. We had a long discussion last night and after 28 years of marriage came to the conclusion that *I have a VERY puritanical view of sex*. My idea of what's normal is so much more narrow minded than his. Anything more than basic missionary is "kinky" to me. He has tried to spice things up with lingerie, restraints, toys but I don't react positively emotionally or physically. *My body indicates I enjoy the things he does but my mind gets in the way thinking it's wrong. *He gets turned on when I do have an orgasm but it seems to be more work for me than it's worth. He wants me to "pursue" *him but I don't feel comfortable *doing that - comes off as awkward. Lots of rambling in this post but not really sure where to begin.



Ist I want to say... Welcome to TAM....I want to appeal to you ..If I can.......it is GOOD you can acknowlege that you have a very PURITAN view on sex... this is a starting point... How badly do you want to change your mindset ? It is a mindset that steals your freedom to embrace this pleasure that your husband gives...and desires so desperately for you to feel ...his passion and yours. When it is one sided, it is near hurtful. 

Are you on any meds to inhibit your libido? A good mix of Dopamine & Testosterone is what = a healthy "driving" wanting of sex. Sometimes meds can interfere with these hormones. 

But then other times, it is more in the mind, our beliefs...Do you want to be free from what is binding you....do you have that desire deep within...or want this all to go away? It is not enough to just want to please him, so he will stop feeling bad... He "needs" your pleasure, your passion.... 

I can tell you, as a women who once suffered with viewing certain acts "as dirty" in the beginning of my marraige, having 0 interest in Bjs, even pushing my husband away when he tried to give me oral (all I could think of was "YUK" -how can he like that- total mind blockage)....I always wanted the lights out, embarrassed of my body ...I was once repressed (although I always orgasmed & loved it!).. I am now so fully awakened.... all of that is past, I can't even believe I was once like that. Blinders ripped off & burned forever. My Awakening story -trying to make sense of my repression- maybe you can relate >>>> click HERE Some sexual guilt links at the bottom.

It does matter to our partners that we are LOVING the act. It is empowering somehow. Enriching, and life giving, take that away....it almost hurts. Please please be patient with your husband ...I know you can not help it, this is so unfortunate, but he also can not help how he feels.. 28 yrs is a long long long time -he must love you very much...I can only imagine his frustration. 

Know there is always HOPE... I feel the answer lies in a sexual education, a new mindset, putting down old thinking patterns, pushing yourself , daring to go along with your husband with a little new variety... What inspires you sexually ...does reading a Romance Novel excite you? 

They say our mind is the largest sex organ..this is a good read... I know I have inspired myself , even after my sex drive has calmed, I continue to inspire myself for alot of sex...it can be done. ....Female Orgasm Secrets: Is a Woman's Sexual Satisfaction a Mind Game? - ABC News


Some good books that might help you on your way:

 The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex: An Indispensible Guide to Pleasure & Seduction 

Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man  (my favorite)

Best Christian resourse Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage 

Reclaiming Desire: 4 Keys to Finding Your Lost Libido 

I found this write up on another forum shorty after I realized what I was missing in my marraige, of course we had a measure of this -but not in it's fullness due to my hang ups, I was so inspired by this, I made a few copies & threw them in some of the sex books I just ordered.....came to learn one of the posters here wrote this- I recognized her writing style...compliments of ThreeTimesALady . 



> *Sex is *desiring him every time you look at him. Needing him to fill that wonderful yearning deep inside you that needs filling & to die for. *Sex is *having breasts that ached to be touched & loved & you can not live without it. *Sex *is waking him up in the middle of the night as you need him & want him & then you find that he wants you just as much & you make love for an hour & get up & have coffee & wonder where the years have gone. *Sex is *finding the thrill after years of a man that can still make you scream & turn you to mush. *Sex is *turning him into a crazy man who wants you more than his own life.
> 
> Now. Love is being able to see some fault in your lover but shutting your mouth for the good of a marriage. Love is having to give & take in a marriage. Learning where to stop an argument when it is not important to win. Winning sometimes can be losing. Love is being able to find in that precious other the boy in the man that you fell in love when you 1st married. Love is being able to go to the sexiest side of you & turn that man into mush after all these years. Love is being able to hear from your lover that if you die first he will follow you as he cannot live without you . Love is the sunshine in the morning when it is cloudy out but seeing him next to you makes your world. Love is being able to say screwing & not being embarrassed plus any other really dirty word in the bedroom as he loves it. The dirtier the better as we all know that ladies do not talk dirty with those wonderful words but we also know as ladies that when we enter our bedroom to our precious that we leave the lady at the door. We then turn into his sex siren. As hot & as sensual as can be. And then we all know that when we leave that bedroom we again pick up the lady. All us ladies must have the two faces of Eve. This makes for a very very fullfilling marriage, full of intimacy and Love. A man would never stray if he has this.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

michzz said:


> Boy, I don't think I read any hostile reactions, where do you get that?
> 
> What I do see is people stating overt, assertive things to do to get over an inhibited sexual response.


may = the possibility of a future event. 

I suppose we agree, not yet. However, if the past predicts the future, it is likely there will be. Women with the same problem who posted looking for help have been drummed off the site in the past. 

Kind of stupid, in my opinion. There is a lot to learn and a chance to help at lest one man. Maybe many more men, given that there are woman with the same problem who lurk instead of posting. The hostility directed at women asking for help keeps them away.


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## kwill86697 (Mar 23, 2012)

LadyFrog...

Not sure where the puritanical/prudish mindset originates. I went through all the Catholic teachings when younger but am not convinced that my problem is a religious problem. I had parents who provided a stable, upper middle class home. They loved each other but open displays of affection were few and far between. They didn't sleep in the same room for as long as I can remember. I lost my virginity at 16 and had my first orgasm the 2nd time I had sex. I didn't know what it was and thought I was getting ready to throw up! I didn't give oral sex until I met my present husband (I had been married before). I always thought it was gross, etc. Now I don't mind that but he wants so much more. He seems to think it could be a hormonal imbalance. I'm 54 and went through menopause early, about age 45. The lack of interest isn't new since then however. It's been a problem since my first marriage. I'm blessed to have such a patient husband. As a previous poster said, eventually my husband will stray to find the sex he wants and isn't getting at home. I don't want that to happen. Any words of wisdom will be welcome,


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

He shouldn't be pressuring you to orgasm during sex, especially intercourse. This is not always so straightforward for women and it will just make you even more tense. Do you enjoy sex at all, orgasms aside?


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

28 years!!!!!!! And now he wants to teach an old dog new tricks???? Poor guy..... If you love him and care for him, you should thank him profusely for putting p with you and your views about sex for so long.....


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

As others have said, the most important sex organ is the brain. Start by thinking sexy thoughts. Imagine yourself being excited by your husband. If you have any fantasies, indulge them. Be playful and teasing with your husband. A good sexual relationship mean being totally loved by your husband.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi kwill ~

Thanks for posting. It's great that you are trying to improve your marriage. The first step to trying to solve any problem is to admit there is one (often the hardest part). 

What's your relationship with your husband really like OUTSIDE of the bedroom? Do you feel fulfilled, or are there other relational issues lurking that could be impacting your desire for sex?

What's your relationship with your husband like INSIDE the bedroom? Do you feel sexually satisfied? If not, do you have things that you would truly desire in order to be satisfied? Are you like most women who have responsive desires, and your desire for sex happens after you are already aroused and in the throes of it? Do you feel pressured to have orgasms? Do you engage in sexual foreplay? Do you engage in non-sexual foreplay (conversation, bantering, flirting, non-sexual touching, kissing) throughout the day with your husband?

What do you think your husband's mindset is regarding sex? Do you think that it involves more than just a physical connection, but an emotional connection to you as well?

Normally, people come into a marriage with a set of 'things' that they like to do sexually, and what gets done between a couple is actually the intersecting 'left over' of both spouse's 'left overs'. David Schnarch has a good series of articles on this in Psychology Today and his book "Intimacy and Desire" where he states: “_Sexual relationships always consist of ‘leftovers.’ You get to decide what sexual behaviors you don’t want to do, your partner does this too, and together you do what ever is left. This is how normal sexual relationships develop_.”

In a marriage, however, that has a strong foundation - one built on trust, respect, commitment, and mindsets of each spouse giving to the other - the intersecting 'things' that a couple each like to do sexually typically grows and expands throughout the marriage.

In a marriage with a weaker foundation - where there are issues with trust, respect, commitment, more selfish mindsets of the spouses - the intersection of sexual exploration doesn't often grow.

It is YOUR responsibility to try and work through whatever issues may be causing your lack of desire.

Go through each of the possibilities - 

Are there relationship issues between you and your husband that need to be addressed?

Are there physical issues, e.g., vaginal discomfort/dryness or medical problems, lack of energy, weight gain, libido-busting medications etc. that need to be addressed?

Are there emotional issues, e.g., depression, anxiety, inhibitions, repressions, etc. that need to be addressed?

Some of the issues you may be able to tackle on your own - with some determination and willpower. Some of them may need some very open communication and assistance from your husband, and some of them you may need some outside, professional help with.

If you tell us a bit more about your current mindset - your thoughts about how you really feel about sex and your relationship right now - I might be able to give you more specifics.

Best wishes.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> How is this helpful? She's looking for insight on how she can change.


I didn't realize every response on TAM is only supposed to be advice. In actuality I am advising her to thank her lucky stars (if she loves her husband) that he has stood by her for so long and been unhappy with their sex life. 

She should devour every suggestions, get every book and see a therapist, and practice 'til she understands her body and mind that sex is a wonderful perk that human's posess. 

If I was her husband I'd be carrying around significant baggage and probably very unhappy. That is why I wrote what I did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> I didn't realize every response on TAM is only supposed to be advice. In actuality I am advising her to thank her lucky stars (if she loves her husband) that he has stood by her for so long and been unhappy with their sex life.
> 
> She should devour every suggestions, get every book and see a therapist, and practice 'til she understands her body and mind that sex is a wonderful perk that human's posess.
> 
> ...


I am sure you have heard of the adage "don't kick someone when they are down"?

It works much better to try and help support and uplift someone when they are down.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The hardest part is that even if she changes he could have some real resentment built up. Her all of a sudden becoming more sexual might not be enough. I think that self improvement is a journey. And it's one that they're going to need to take together if it's going to work. If he's been rejected over and over then he's not going to be in a position to take the first step, emotionally. She'll need to take his hand and start the journey herself. A heartfelt apology would be a good start.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

tacoma said:


> She wants to know how she can "make" herself want her husband.
> 
> I got nothing.
> 
> I feel for your husband.


I suspected that's the point. I suspect it's like jumping out of an airplane.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> 28 years!!!!!!! And now he wants to teach an old dog new tricks???? Poor guy..... If you love him and care for him, you should thank him profusely for putting p with you and your views about sex for so long.....


My, my. I wondered how long it would take one member of the bitter pack of wolves to snarl in this ladies direction. 

I am certain you feel that your unhappy position as a sex-starved man gives you the license to reveal your pathology for all to see. However, in place of finding an easy target for your rage, perhaps it would be better to look at yourself. 

You may very well find the reason that your wife will not have you. I am not sure that there is any remedy, judging by the viciousness of this post but knowledge is power and a reason for faint hope. .


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> The hardest part is that even if she changes he could have some real resentment built up. Her all of a sudden becoming more sexual might not be enough. I think that self improvement is a journey. And it's one that they're going to need to take together if it's going to work. If he's been rejected over and over then he's not going to be in a position to take the first step, emotionally. She'll need to take his hand and start the journey herself. A heartfelt apology would be a good start.


I think yu may be right, but I noticed with my husband and with some of the stories of the men who post here. Men are far quicker to forgive and forget than women. My husband forgave me almost the instance that I came to him and revealed that I was wrong. I had a much harder time forgiving him. 

I would like to encourage the OP to work on the changes and let her husband know in a heartfelt and loving way, that she regrets the mistakes and vows to be a different person in the future.

I don't mean to make generalizations but I have noticed that many women seldom forget but many men can let go if given time and consistent show of change. So please be encouraged by that.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> My, my. I wondered how long it would take one member of the bitter pack of wolves to snarl in this ladies direction.
> 
> I am certain you feel that your unhappy position as a sex-starved man gives you the license to reveal your pathology for all to see. However, in place of finding an easy target for your rage, perhaps it would be better to look at yourself.
> 
> You may very well find the reason that your wife will not have you. I am not sure that there is any remedy, judging by the viciousness of this post but knowledge is power and a reason for faint hope. .


I was shocked at the 28 years. I did not mean to come off as crass, more incredulous. Her husband has tried and talked about it and it never really hit home. Do we know the extent of his attempts and conversations? No....

How it can be 28 years astounds me. It is like going sexless for 3-5 years, discussed it, and then finding your spouse has cheated and being crestfallen and feeling betrayed.

But WorkingOnMe is right that she owes him a heartfelt apology.

I hope they do work it out.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> I think yu may be right, but I noticed with my husband and with some of the stories of the men who post here. Men are far quicker to forgive and forget than women. My husband forgave me almost the instance that I came to him and revealed that I was wrong. I had a much harder time forgiving him.
> 
> I would like to encourage the OP to work on the changes and let her husband know in a heartfelt and loving way, that she regrets the mistakes and vows to be a different person in the future.
> 
> I don't mean to make generalizations but I have noticed that many women seldom forget but many men can let go if given time and consistent show of change. So please be encouraged by that.


You're absolutely right:iagree:

There's no evidence that there is any resentment here (let's not talk it up, eh?), but if there is, the OP is more likely to get a positive outcome in her circumstances.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> I was shocked at the 28 years. I did not mean to come off as crass, more incredulous. Her husband has tried and talked about it and it never really hit home. Do we know the extent of his attempts and conversations? No....
> 
> How it can be 28 years astounds me. It is like going sexless for 3-5 years, discussed it, and then finding your spouse has cheated and being crestfallen and feeling betrayed.
> 
> ...


It is difficult to fathom but how many men do you know who have lived like this for many years? I have to wonder why they do. 

Or maybe wondering why is insulting to men. It just shows the loyalty, ability to stand by a commitment and the endurance of love that defines a very fine man. 

This is a quality of men that is seldom celebrated or appreciated for that matter. It should be. I am glad for this forum. 

I would never have seen so many men demonstrate this trait and it has changed my rather warped view of men. 

It represents the very best and the worse of men. The worse because they live a life of desperation to protect their partner from pain. 

That is why he deserves a satisfying loving sex life. He would not have had any problem finding another woman all those years but he did not. 

That has to be an incentive work as hard as he has to change, don't you think?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

kwill86697:
I think you aren't getting the proper perspective on this issue.
Why don't you figure out something you REALLY expect from him either a task or some other thing of importance, then consider how you would feel if he decided to deprive YOU of this pleasure or if not deprive you, just decide to do a half as*ed job of performing for you?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I think it's too far gone. I doubt there's much of an upside to this.


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## Always_Sunny (Jan 31, 2012)

I think you should have your husband come onto these forums so he can learn the 180. It's possible it will take an act from himself for you to want him again. At the least he might find out how much he's being shafted in this relationship.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Instead of thinking of it in terms of being interested or not interested in sex, you might phrase the issue as showing interest in your husband. I'm not crazy about lots of things I do but I am crazy about my wife. I couldn't possibly be happy knowing she's miserable. Likewise, if he places your needs and feelings above his own, he's going to be more understanding and appreciative for the things you are able to do. Nobody changes baby diapers because they love poop. They do it because they care about the wearer. Out of all women on earth, it is your privilege alone to take care of your husband. Any woman out there is capable and a bunch are willing, but he has trusted you alone with meeting those needs.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

kwill86697 said:


> LadyFrog...
> 
> Not sure where the puritanical/prudish mindset originates. I went through all the Catholic teachings when younger but am not convinced that my problem is a religious problem. I had parents who provided a stable, upper middle class home. They loved each other but open displays of affection were few and far between. They didn't sleep in the same room for as long as I can remember. I lost my virginity at 16 and had my first orgasm the 2nd time I had sex. I didn't know what it was and thought I was getting ready to throw up! I didn't give oral sex until I met my present husband (I had been married before). I always thought it was gross, etc. Now I don't mind that but he wants so much more. He seems to think it could be a hormonal imbalance. I'm 54 and went through menopause early, about age 45. The lack of interest isn't new since then however. It's been a problem since my first marriage. I'm blessed to have such a patient husband. As a previous poster said, eventually my husband will stray to find the sex he wants and isn't getting at home. I don't want that to happen. Any words of wisdom will be welcome,


Let your kink out of the bag. Really, who is going to know what you are doing in your bedroom? Who is there to judge? 

What feels awkward at first is usually just because it is new. Once you do it a few times, it becomes easier. Talking dirty for instance. Just memorize a few lines, and say them with conviction. After a few times it will seem easy. You know, fake it till you make it.


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Married 10 years. About to turn 59. He is 52. We have sex regularly but admit he initiates more mostly because I'm worn out working full/time and then for his business. He wants threesomes. Wants to take me to lesbian bars to watch me get picked up. Lastnight I fell asleep watching TV by 9:30 and then he complains our sex life is vanilla!

When I'm rested I give him more of what he wants but the threesome and lesbian thing I've told him I don't think I could do that. He watches porn at night Is this normal for our age?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Coorection: I'm about to turn 50! He is 52
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

kwill86697 said:


> I've always been primarily uninterested in sex. Don't mind bjs for him but orgasm isn't important for me at all. This frustrates him to no end. We had a long discussion last night and after 28 years of marriage came to the conclusion that I have a VERY puritanical view of sex. My idea of what's normal is so much more narrow minded than his. Anything more than basic missionary is "kinky" to me. He has tried to spice things up with lingerie, restraints, toys but I don't react positively emotionally or physically. My body indicates I enjoy the things he does but my mind gets in the way thinking it's wrong. He gets turned on when I do have an orgasm but it seems to be more work for me than it's worth. He wants me to "pursue" him but I don't feel comfortable doing that - comes off as awkward. Lots of rambling in this post but not really sure where to begin.


It really comes down to do you want to be the type of wife that provides emotinional fulfillment to her husband. If you are not that type of wife, then no further action is required. If you want to be that type of wife, think about meeting his needs rather than in terms of what this does for you.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

wifenumber2 said:


> Married 10 years. About to turn 59. He is 52. We have sex regularly but admit he initiates more mostly because I'm worn out working full/time and then for his business. He wants threesomes. Wants to take me to lesbian bars to watch me get picked up. Lastnight I fell asleep watching TV by 9:30 and then he complains our sex life is vanilla!
> 
> When I'm rested I give him more of what he wants but the threesome and lesbian thing I've told him I don't think I could do that. He watches porn at night Is this normal for our age?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Start a new thread. this is Kwill's show. we need more background on your situation to even comment.


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## zaliblue (Apr 26, 2011)

OP, 

Maybe you should step out of your comfort zone a little. It's okay to be a little freaky If you're not sure of how to come on to your husband, maybe watch a porno? I can understand where both of you are coming from. I have never had this problem personally, because I am a pretty forward person. However, I know that everyone is different. And, don't worry about the people that are rude....at least you are trying to fix the problem.....Good for you I think the main thing that we have to understand is that all your husband wants is to be able to satisfy you....Even if you have expressed to him time and time again that orgasm is not important to you, he still interprets that as that he just isn't doing something right, which really hurts his ego....If there is something that he isn't doing right, tell him. I am sure that he would not mind correcting it to satisfy you. Men are really hard-headed creatures....and they also have self esteem issues...Imagine if for some reason your husband wasn't interested in getting an orgasm...It would probably hurt your feelings....I think that you should either consider faking ....or just talking to him and trying new things! Good luck!


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

We all know that stealing is wrong...but what if you have no money and are starving...???

We all know adultery is wrong...but what if you arent getting 'it' at home?

IF Kwills husband ended up being 'fed' elsewhere lots and lots of people on here would place the blame squarely at his feet.

I won't reach 28 yrs of marriage. Once the children are 15/16yo, I'm out of it. This is the only life I have.

Kwill - sex is VERY important to a man...you really must try to make more of an effort otherwise the chances are that your husband WILL, sooner or later, wander....

Good luck.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

kwill86697 said:


> LadyFrog...
> 
> Not sure where the puritanical/prudish mindset originates. I went through all the Catholic teachings when younger but am not convinced that my problem is a religious problem. I had parents who provided a stable, upper middle class home. They loved each other but open displays of affection were few and far between. They didn't sleep in the same room for as long as I can remember. I lost my virginity at 16 and had my first orgasm the 2nd time I had sex. I didn't know what it was and thought I was getting ready to throw up! I didn't give oral sex until I met my present husband (I had been married before). I always thought it was gross, etc. Now I don't mind that but he wants so much more. He seems to think it could be a hormonal imbalance. I'm 54 and went through menopause early, about age 45. The lack of interest isn't new since then however. It's been a problem since my first marriage. I'm blessed to have such a patient husband. As a previous poster said, eventually my husband will stray to find the sex he wants and isn't getting at home. I don't want that to happen. Any words of wisdom will be welcome,


You've gotten lots of good advice here on how to improve your libido.

One more piece of advice: just start being sexual with him. Adopt an attitude of "love is an act". You might find that your desire follows from simply stoking the fire a bit. On the other hand, it might take years of work to resolve your issues.

So, tell him that his sexual satisfaction is a priority to you. Then, let your actions match your words. If needed, persist until he gets that you are serious about this.


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## kwill86697 (Mar 23, 2012)

Just an update. I'm trying to "spice things up" for the sake of our marriage. I went to the library and checked out a couple books by Laura Berman. He's being as patient as he's able to be and I'm trying to be more "intimate" with him (more attention paid to him, rub shoulders, cuddle when I come to bed). We're going through a really bad time so the stress is high. He's trying to get a job and I work a retail job so lots of nights I'm not home till after midnight. I'm dealing with my mother in a nursing home and not doing very well and 2 adult daughters living at home. Hubby needs some meds he has had success with for his moods but it's cost prohibitive. Hopefully I can make his mood a little more positive. It's a win for all involved...if he's happy, we're all happy.

I appreciate all the support I've received from this site. Thanks to those who provided comments/support.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

kwill86697 said:


> Lots of rambling in this post but not really sure where to begin.


In addition to the advice here, google is your friend. I'm not quite sure what all your husband is up to but there are some really good sites out there where frank discussion of all things sexual is the norm. This is not one of them.

I actually don't have a clue where my hangups started either. I've always been generally fine with other people enjoying themselves in whatever way worked for them. But *I* didn't do such things. For me, the thing I had to learn was to take (and I'm quoting my therapist friend here) "The Big Bug-eyed Taboo" out of the word "kinky" and look at things a bit more objectively. Yes.. humans like sex. Yes... humans are very creative. Yes... humans have applied a lot of creativity to sex over the ages. It's kind of obvious when you look at it like that. I used to see the word "kinky" as some dark thing that crazy people who didn't care about long term relationships did. Now I think of it more as "the word we use to describe people not laden with a gajillion sexual hangups". For me it was all very shocking. I saw it as "shock therapy" and so I stuck with it.

I could say lots more but again, probably not a good idea here. Your exploration is your own of course. Our's was instigated by Carol not me and it has turned out to be very good for our marriage. Fair warning. I've been labelled some pretty harsh things here. Carol... the alleged victim... thinks that is pretty humorous in a sad sort of way.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

kwill86697 said:


> Just an update. I'm trying to "spice things up" for the sake of our marriage. I went to the library and checked out a couple books by Laura Berman. He's being as patient as he's able to be and I'm trying to be more "intimate" with him (more attention paid to him, rub shoulders, cuddle when I come to bed). We're going through a really bad time so the stress is high. He's trying to get a job and I work a retail job so lots of nights I'm not home till after midnight. I'm dealing with my mother in a nursing home and not doing very well and 2 adult daughters living at home. Hubby needs some meds he has had success with for his moods but it's cost prohibitive. Hopefully I can make his mood a little more positive. It's a win for all involved...if he's happy, we're all happy.
> 
> I appreciate all the support I've received from this site. Thanks to those who provided comments/support.


While I am a bit late to to this, I wanted to add my encouragement to you on addressing this. It does show you love your husband.

One "contradiction" that stood out a bit is that you consider your view of sex "puritanical" yet have no problem with bjs. With the number of posters who complain about either having to give them or not recieving them, you are certainly ahead of a number of women. That is a kink, if you will, that you have gotten into and accepted. Use that as spring board to look into other things that you can do to expand your experiences with your husband. In a sense, realize that you are not starting out but rather are continuing the journey. That may help you in getting through this.


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