# Wifes emotional affair, what the hell to do?



## Pjclarke1978 (Oct 23, 2013)

Hi,

After any advice out there anyone can give me?. Kind of at my wits end over the whole thing. I have been married for over two years, what I though was reasonably happy. We had the usual stresses of marriage. Financial, getting to comfortable with each other, things where a little strained a bit, both wrapped up in our own things. Basically after being somewhat suspicious of my wife's activity. I found a number of messages from Face book. Talking about sex etc.

Her messaging a married 52 year old man with kids, 20 years her older. They played in the same darts team. Finding these messages was a total shock to me. So I confronted her, I was in complete shock and in a total rage at the time. I never laid a finger on her as I could never do that. Basically she told me it was an emotional affair and they only met a few times and kissed a few times. She promised she never slept with him and it never got that far. It had only been going on for 5-6 weeks. She was deeply upset and sorry over the whole thing and said she made a massive mistake; it should have never got to that point. She said she was unhappy but didn't feel like she could talk to me.

I kind of lost my rag and didn't come home that night. She went back to her mums to explain the whole thing. Her parents and friends are sure she never slept with this other guy. Basically, over the course of the week, I said some pretty nasty things to her. If I am honest, I can’t even remember any of it.

We did try to get back together, she promised to cut all communications. With other guy, but she said it was really hard not talking to him. I asked her if she still messaged him. She said she did but immediately regretted it. It was kind of like being hurt all over again. She told me she didn’t know what she wanted, as she was confused and she thinks she is depressed. So I told her to go back to her mums to clear her head. That was over a month ago now. 

I have told her I love her and want to try and work this out. I don’t want to throw away our ten years together as I still really love her and can’t imagine being without her. She keeps saying she needs time and she loves me and misses me. But she comes across as so cold. It’s really hard to talk to her. She says she doesn’t know what to say. When we do talk about it, she says she is ashamed over the whole thing and doesn’t know what she wants anymore. Just keeps saying I don’t know and need more time. This of course doesn’t help me, as it makes me feel like she is stringing me a long waiting to see what this over bloke says. 

During this time we spoke in length about what went wrong and why it happened. I can appreciate, I may not have been perfect in the marriage, but neither was she. I always tried to do things for her, do the washing, housework. We both agreed it was the emotional side of the marriage that had been lacking the last few months, physical was never a problem. I said to her basically, this other guy came a long at the right time and told her what she wanted to hear. She didn’t disagree, but as I told her from all these messages, it was plain to see what he was after. She didn’t seem to think that was the case! But she told me everything that went on and how it started as friendship. It then developed into an emotional connection. 

But basically, over six weeks on, I still don’t know what is going on? I don’t want to lose her and I have told her this. All she keeps saying is I don’t know. I need more time. How much time should I give her?. How can I get her to open back up to me? The only way we seem to communicate it via sms, and that is me messaging her. If I don’t message her for days she gets the arse as she thinks I don’t care. All I usually get back are one or two message answers. I have tried asking her if she wants to go out. All she ever says is she will think about it. She says to me she has stopped all contact with this guy, I believe her when she says she never slept with him and still seems really upset. The other day she said she felt ashamed over what happened and wished she could take it back. But she doesn’t know what she wants. 

Basically, I have spent the last two months in limbo, I have no idea what is going on or what to do. She just seems really cold and she used to be so warm. How much time should I give her. 

Sorry for going on, but if anyone has any useful advice. Could you please share? I was looking at getting the Kevin Jackson e-book, but most of his stuff is on you tube anyway. Any advice would be appreciated.

Cheers


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

They kissed. OK.

TAM Army! Turn to.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Pjclarke1978 said:


> Her messaging a married 52 year old man with kids, 20 years her older. They played in the same darts team. Finding these messages was a total shock to me. So I confronted her, I was in complete shock and in a total rage at the time. I never laid a finger on her as I could never do that. Basically she told me it was an emotional affair and *they only met a few times and kissed a few times.* She promised she never slept with him and it never got that far. It had only been going on for 5-6 weeks. She was deeply upset and sorry over the whole thing and said she made a massive mistake; it should have never got to that point. She said she was unhappy but didn't feel like she could talk to me.



Unfortunately for you, "kissed a few times" is a cheater's talk meaning that they had sex. Cheaters tend to minimize what they tell you, the betrayed spouse (BS).

Covert monitoring of her computer, phones, etc may be necessary to see if any ongoing communication.

Voice-activated recorder (VAR), get several and plant one in the car.

You may want to get her to do a polygraph. You may get a last minute confession before the test.


It makes no sense for a married grown-up woman to go to another man's place just to kiss. Several times too?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Cheating is 100% on her. It's her way of checking out. You need to decide in your head if you are okay with that. You need to decide if you want to spend the rest of your married life with that in your head.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

She is having sex with him.

It is plain as day.

Read some of the other threads here, where betrayed husbands post the same nonsense you are posting when they first come here. Sorry, but you have to wake yourself up.

Do you really think she is separating from you and not willing to work on it over an "emotional" connection?

Kissing is physical. Last time I stopped at just kissing was in high school. Your wife is telling you she met up with some old dude just to swap some spit.

By the way, kissing is PHYSICAL.

First rule of cheaters: Cheaters lie. From now on, believe nothing she says about her feelings for you or her affair with old dude, pay not attention to her WORDS, only to her ACTIONS.

You are not going to have a shot at reconciliation until she ends the affair with him. SHE IS STILL HAVING SEX WITH HIM NOW. It hasn't ended. When it ends, she will be ready to come back and try with you.

Your first assignment is contact other man's wife and grown adult children and let them know what is going on. Offer them evidence, if you have any. Don't tell your wife you are doing this.

In the meantime, stop contacting your wife. She takes you for granted. She continues this game because she figures she can always come back to you when she's done with him. The minute she thinks you no longer will be available to her - this might be when you file for divorce, but more likely when she sees you with another woman - she will change her tune.

For now, just tell other man's wife and stop contacting your wife.

If your wife contacts you, tell her you have no interest in continuing as things are. Tell her she can drop other guy, never ever ever talk or communicate with him again, and open up all devices accounts for you to verify, or you can explore other options. Option where she continues sexual romantic physical emotional affair (yes, her affair is ALL four of these) and continues to stay married to you is no longer acceptable to you.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Her affair is not your fault, and never will be. Accept no further blame from her, put your feet down. It wasn't a mistake, it was her CHOICE.

Keylog her computer, start monitoring. Don't ask her anything any further about this affair. Pretend like you took it in stride and you're moving on.

She's still saying she doesn't know? She needs time? "It's hard not to talk to him?"

File for divorce. It can always be cancelled in the process.

Tell her that you won't take any more of her "i don't know, i need time" bullschyte and show her the papers. Tell her it's either him and divorce or marriage with R.

You'll be surprised what she has to say, very very quickly. She will then "know" and she will need no more time.


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## Pjclarke1978 (Oct 23, 2013)

Cant monitor nothing if she has moved out!


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Pjclarke1978 said:


> After any advice out there anyone can give me?. Kind of at my wits end over the whole thing. *I have been married for over two years*, what I though was reasonably happy. We had the usual stresses of marriage. Financial, getting to comfortable with each other, things where a little strained a bit, both wrapped up in our own things. Basically after being somewhat suspicious of my wife's activity. I found a number of messages from Face book. Talking about sex etc.


Reread your post. Saw the bold.

Only 2 years married and she's cheating already! What the heck!

You both should be in the honeymoon stage of the marriage. Except she's cheating with a man 20+ years older. Makes no sense.

I understand UK divorce is very favourable to women, especially if kids are involved. Dont have kids.

Move on. Too early for her to be cheating already. Move on. She has already signaled what she going to be like in the future. Move on. Let her go.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Let me ask this question then:

They just kissed? Two adults, alone in a place. They decided to kiss. They did.

Why didn't they take it any further?

You want me blunt? I would. What stopped them? Do you really believe they just kissed and left it that, what with all that "sex talk"?

Think.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

If you don't have kids with her yet, she's not worth the effort, I can guarantee you that.

If she is the mother of your child or children, then it is worth a shot to try to reconcile.

I don't care how many years you've sunk into this relationship, if you continue, to paraphrase an old cliché, you are throwing good years after bad.

If you have children together, you can't get her out of your life anyway and for the sake of your kids it's worth it to try.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Aug is right. Absolutely no kids if you ask me.. And start detaching from her.

'cause she already did. Seems like you are not her priority any more.

Let her taste some of her own medicine. Start 180.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Pjclarke1978 said:


> Cant monitor nothing if she has moved out!


Tell other man's wife. You already know enough.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Tell the OM's wife regard less of the outcome of your situation.

Don't ;let them threaten you in keeping this secret.


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## Pjclarke1978 (Oct 23, 2013)

I know full well its not my fault verpin zal. That's one thing I know full well!. I wasn't perfect in marriage, that's both on us. But no excuse for the cheating. I would love to keylog pc etc. But unfortunately, since she is presently staying at parents. Cant do a lot. 

I did something like what you said with the divorce papers, but I told her I got the property/estate agents in to value house. She was proper upset over that!. But as I said to her, you have left me not knowing what's going on. What did you expect me to do?. All I want to know is if its over or not?. If that's the case, I am not going to be the one to do it. Not going to make her life easy!. If its over she has to say it. With regards to the other fella, he has gone back to his wife.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Doesn't she have some mail address which you can look into?


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## Pjclarke1978 (Oct 23, 2013)

Going through the messages, it was mostly him saying all of that. She was just going along for the most part. Either way, totally unacceptable.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Pjclarke1978 said:


> Basically, I have spent the last two months in limbo, I have no idea what is going on or what to do. *She just seems really cold *and she used to be so warm. How much time should I give her.


This is how cheaters act while they still are cheating.

If you have access to her phone bill, look at the number and frequency of calls to other man, also times of day.

Hire a PI to follow her and get some pics next time she "plays darts."


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

You only have to contact other man's wife once, then even if he gets a restraining order, you have no more reason to contact her again anyway.

But really, if you don't have kids, just move on already.


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## Pjclarke1978 (Oct 23, 2013)

Warlock07, i have all the conversations. I am holding on to them for now.

Revenge is a dish best served cold. So I'll leave him to sweat!.


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## Pjclarke1978 (Oct 23, 2013)

Lol he has already threatened me with the restraining order. I have thought about letting his wife know. But at the same time I don't want to do him and wife a favour by getting them together.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

Expose affair far and wide. Family, friends, business acquaintances employers and so on. Cold 180. Become indifferent to your wife. Detach. Let the anger fuel you. Hit the gym. Hit up some younger hotties. If your good looking and physically astute this will be easy. Make her miss you. Then you have the power and can negotiate. Always negotiate from a position of power when dealing with lying cheating wives. 

Let your wife and the senior citizen have each other. You are better than either of them. 

20 years older than her... Gross. 

Good luck. Stay on TAM and vent.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Pjclarke1978 said:


> I found a number of messages from Face book. Talking about sex etc.
> 
> Basically she told me it was an emotional affair and they only met a few times and kissed a few times.
> 
> ...


So, what she wants you and us to believe is that she had a five-six week emotional affair. 

When she kissed him, it stopped being emotional. You say it was plain to see what he was after. They talked about sex, met a few times, but only kissed? We hear that here all the time. It's cheater speak for having sex. Sorry.

Logically she is surprisingly 'ashamed' (her words) for a short EA with kissing. You know they did more. So, up to you if that changes whether you still want to stay in your marriage.

If you don't KNOW if they have finished contact then the chances are their affair is still on-going. This is why she is still 'confused'. 

If you want your cheating wife back you have to end the affair. Where is she. Where do you live. Where is the Other Man (OM). We see often that men have affairs for extra sex (as you saw in his sexts). And women tend to trade sex for attention.

Sorry you are here. If your wife had sex with him (she did) do you still want her back?


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## Emptyshelldad (Apr 29, 2013)

CONTACT THE OTHER MANS WIFE WITH THE EVIDENCE! DON'T DONT DONT threaten your wife with this first. You are in a street fight here bro, and she is gonna cut your bullocks off if you don't act accordingly. We are pro at this stuff by now and soooo many men and women make the mistake off telling their wayward wife that they are going to expose the affair the other mans wife, then your wife calls the other man to warn him, and he tells his wife some song and dance that she believes because she wants to believe her husband is faithful to her. So if you play this right, you can blow this whole thing wide open. But instill say get rid of this chick. This is too early to be having this problem and the large age gap suggests major daddy issues and those will **** with you the rest of the time you are with her.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

She's at her mom's calling him at will. It's safe for her to do it there. As Will Kane said, she's acting cold to you because she's still in deep with the POSOM. If she wasn't she'd be investing time in trying to recoup her marriage. 

It doesn't matter what you want. She wants what she wants and atm it isn't you. After just two years of marriage - count yourself lucky that you found out now rather than later. 

Lick your wounds and move forward. She's out and wants to stay out. Let her. You can only control what YOU do not what she does or what she wants. 

And by all means - tell the the OMW. Don't let this perv intimidate you.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

You could always just merk his (OM) ass. I'm only kidding. No violence. 

I skipped over the part of just 2 years of marriage. 

So, do you have kids or not?

If not. Then this is very, very easy. 

Divorce. No contact ever.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

PJ,

Let the OMW know about this ASAP!

This is the best way to keep him away from your WW and kill the A.

He will undoubtedly throw your WW under the bus in an attempt to save his own worthless a**, and this will show your WW that she is throwing everything away in her life for a POS that views her simply as a piece of a** on the side.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Tell the omw as soon as possible.

She has a right to know if it was the other way around wouldn't you want to know?


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

tom67 said:


> Tell the omw as soon as possible.
> 
> She has a right to know if it was the other way around wouldn't you want to know?



Yeah. Whatever you do, tell the OMW. She deserves too know.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I know you said you've berated her and questioned her intently. But other than words and threats, she hasn't seen any real action from you.

All you've done is threaten, so all she sees is someone jumping up and down and blowing steam. 

There's an expression used on TAM that translates into: "the one that is willing to walk away from the marriage is in the driver's seat". Right now, that's her. 

She told you if you exposed to the OMW, she would walk away from you. How disrespectful is that?

That merely shows that she is supremely confident that you wouldn't dare BECAUSE you want the marriage to work more than she does. 

Is that the kind of marriage you want?

Your problems:

*She flirts (ok flirted) with him

*"Kissed" him (did she say what part of his body that was?) - 

*Moved to mom's

*Is cold to you

*Doesn't sms you unless you initiate

*Threatened walking out on you if you act like a man

Your solution: Don't need to say it b/c you know what it is - but are you strong enough to show that you are willing to walk away?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

If you still have not exposed you don't have a shot.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

tom67 said:


> If you still have not exposed you don't have a shot.


Not exposing tells her you are not as strong as he is. He has threatened you, taken your wife, you cry and beg, and don't seem to get that is why he has her and you don't
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DeusEx (Mar 7, 2013)

Expose to the OMW and the Run To The Hills. Definately not worth staying with her. Trust us, now you say you love her and don't want to lose her, but we a quite a few TAMers here who said the same thing and now thay see that thay can have better. Alot better.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Passionate lip locking, can be more of a turn on than penetration, to some---so whether they had penetration or not---the heavy kissing is way more than enuff

You have fooled around long enuff---tell your wife to make up her mind one way or the other, and to do it now

You might also have someone else---(not you)--point out the reality, of what a 52 yr old man is to a 30 yr old woman---in 5 to 10 yrs---he is not gonna look the same or be the same---while she will be in her prime------also is this 52 yr old man gonna take care of her, if you bounce her out in the street-----------are her parents gonna take care of her---who will take care of her

Actually you should take all her clothes, and belongings to her parents, leave them there, and tell her, and her parents---it does not take 60 days to decide what one wants---either you want your mge, and what goes with it---or you want your soon to be retired, old lover---and all that goes with him

Apply pressure---and please at this point STOP BEING NICE TO HER---and telling her/us/anyone else you love her---that will get you NOWHERE----you may love her, but at this point she does not give a sh*t, and it is not helping, that you come off as begging---GO DARK AND STAY THAT WAY TILL SHE MAKES A MEANINGFUL DECISION---and do not allow her very long to make that decision---its time for you to take this situation into your hands and do what is best for YOU


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Passionate lip locking, can be more of a turn on than penetration, to some---so whether they had penetration or not---the heavy kissing is way more than enuff
> 
> You have fooled around long enuff---tell your wife to make up her mind one way or the other, and to do it now
> 
> ...


:iagree:
:iagree:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Pjclarke1978 said:


> Hi,
> I have told her I love her and want to try and work this out.


What the hell did you do that for?

From what that tells me is " go phuck around and do what you want, I will alway be there for you"

My point is with out consequences bad behavior contiues.

Next time try telling her that It will be very hard to love a women that I have to share, so sharing you is not an option.

And don't except being labeled controling cuz she can do what ever she wants, and if she chooses you then with that comes boundries that have to be respected and their are consequences for when those boundries are crossed.

You gatta have boundries or you will continue to get mind phucked by your old lady. You have ever right to protect your self from the emotional torture that is heading your way. Hell you have every right to provide the protection for the marriage...at the end of the day its your old lady that has to make the choice to except this protection.

See, it will always be her choice, just like it will always be your choice to share your wife or not.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

PJ you have gotten great advice in both your threads.

It is time for her to put up or shut up and you have to expose there is nothing he can do to you he might try but come on man are you going to take this without a fight?


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Pjclarke1978 said:


> Lol he has already threatened me with the restraining order. I have thought about letting his wife know. But at the same time I don't want to do him and wife a favour by getting them together.


He's a pvssy
Listen to the exposure advice


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Pjclarke1978 said:


> Cant monitor nothing if she has moved out!


 This is why she has not moved back. She can now continue the affair free of interference from you. Right now she is letting the other man court her. She does not know him well enough to leave you for him yet, so she is getting to know him better. Her not moving back shows that she has no remorse. It is amazing how she has turned this around on you. She cheated and yet you are the one awaiting her decision about staying in the marraige. BTW, most men that remarry in their early 50s marry a women in their 30s, so the age gap is not working against him here.



Pjclarke1978 said:


> I did something like what you said with the divorce papers, but I told her I got the property/estate agents in to value house. She was proper upset over that!. But as I said to her, you have left me not knowing what's going on. What did you expect me to do?. All I want to know is if its over or not?. If that's the case, I am not going to be the one to do it. Not going to make her life easy!. If its over she has to say it.


 Getting the house appraised is not doing “something like” filing for divorce. The fact that she responded negatively to it was because she feared that you were filing for divorce. Once she figured out that you believe that “If its over she has to say it”, she knew that she has all of the power and that she can take her sweet time deciding if she wants you or the other man.



Pjclarke1978 said:


> With regards to the other fella, he has gone back to his wife.


 I am sure that the other man has told his wife the same thing about your wife. That your wife is now out of the picture, as she has gone back to you. This is what cheaters say when they get caught and want to continue with the affair, as they take the affair deeper underground. 

Your wife and the other man are no longer in high school. As adults, if they have romantic feelings for someone they do not stop at a kiss. They may or may not have had intercourse, but they certainly did more than just kiss. And for the record, oral sex is sex.

The odds of saving your marriage increase with your willingness to end it. Take the power away from your wife by filing for divorce and meaning it. It is not a sure thing that she will come back to you, but the longer that you let her decide, the lower your odds. Divorce takes time and you can always change your mind if your wife does the work needed to change your mind. Do not stop the divorce too easily or she will think it was just a bluff. Make her work for it. If she is not truly remorseful and does not want to do the work to save it, then it is better that you find out now so that you can move on with your life. She cheated not you. Cheaters blame shift by trying to hold their spouses to a standard of perfection that they do not hold themselves to, because they want you to fail to rationalize their cheating. Never buy into this. Remember that each of you are 50%-50% responsible for the marriage, but that the cheater is 100% responsible for their cheating. 

I am sorry that you are here. Be well and good luck.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Pjclarke1978 said:


> Lol he has already threatened me with the restraining order. I have thought about letting his wife know. But at the same time I don't want to do him and wife a favour by getting them together.


 If his wife does not even know about the affair, then you cannot say that he has gone back to his wife. Going back means that she found out and they are working things out. The other man's wife not knowing, and your wife not moving back with you as she decides, confirms that the affair is still on.

Without warning to the other man or your wife, you need to tell the other man's wife right now. The sooner that you do this, the more likely that he will throw your wife under the bus as he tries to save his marraige, if for no other reason than he does not want to lose 1/2 of of his stuff. Do not worry about the false threat of a restraining order. He has no grounds. Besides, to even apply for one he would have to tell both the court and his wife about the affair.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Jesus dude, quit acting like you know what the hell you are doing and call this man's wife NOW!

One freaking phone call and thing entire thing ends right now!

Oh, and tell her your wife confessed to sleeping with him. Let them disprove it if it's actually true they didn't.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

3putt said:


> Jesus dude, quit acting like you know what the hell you are doing and call this man's wife NOW!
> 
> One freaking phone call and thing entire thing ends right now!
> 
> Oh, and tell her your wife confessed to sleeping with him. Let them disprove it if it's actually true they didn't.


Well you can lead a hose to water...eh you get my point.
:slap::banghead:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Pjclarke1978 said:


> Hi,
> 
> After any advice out there anyone can give me?. Kind of at my wits end over the whole thing. I have been married for over two years, what I though was reasonably happy. We had the usual stresses of marriage. Financial, getting to comfortable with each other, things where a little strained a bit, both wrapped up in our own things. Basically after being somewhat suspicious of my wife's activity. I found a number of messages from Face book. Talking about sex etc.
> 
> ...



You've been married for 2 years and have had ups and downs like most marriages. Normal.

Then she starts chatting with this much older guy, 20 years older and it becomes an emotional affair EA. They even kissed a few times.......that could be talk for they had sex. But if this was only an EA, there would of been no physical contact!!!

Now she doesn't know what she wants?!

And she was still communicating with this other man???

Sounds like she is still seeing him.

I would contact your lawyer and have the divorce papers drawn up.

I also would call this other man's wife, in a calm manner and tell her, her hubby had an EA and kissed and more with my wife. That would end it all right there!!!

If you trust her and do nothing, she will continue to chat with this other man and make more excuses and she doesn't know what she wants, etc.

Your wife seems to do whatever she wants and gets away with it. Be the man, strong, call this other man's wife and tell her everything.

Hope everything works out for you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Tell the darts team. Why? This may not be the POSOM's first or only example of infidelity with a fellow darts team member.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Tell the darts team. Why? This may not be the POSOM's first or only example of infidelity with a fellow darts team member.


 Good call. Also, by telling the darts team the OP may learn new facts from some of the team members that already know about the affair.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

They just kissed = they had sex !


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Sorry you didn't get to hear what you want to hear, this is going to take cousage and work. Or you can just file divorce nd put the place up for sale.

Btw, why the hell is she out at bsrs playing darts without you, that's your main problem.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You absolutely need to tell the OMW. It is morally incorrect not to tell her, in my opinion. She has the right to have this information. Would you want some stranger deciding whether you should have vital information about your marriage?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> You absolutely need to tell the OMW. It is morally incorrect not to tell her, in my opinion. She has the right to have this information. Would you want some stranger deciding whether you should have vital information about your marriage?


For the life of me I'll never understand why this seems to be such a torturous decision for some to make. Doesn't make any sense. When did doing the right thing for yourself (and others at the same time) require so much nail-biting internal debate and anguish?

Damn


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

barbados said:


> They just kissed = they had sex !


Just my two cents on this: Kissing does *not* always mean sex. It will usually lead to sex eventually depending on a lot of things, but not always. My WW had a year long affair with someone 15 years her junior (my WW was 50) from her work. It started as a EA of course, and after a month or so the POSOM suggested they meet after work "to talk". They meet at a large park nearby in a remote, romantic pavillion. After a few minutes of "talking", he kissed her. She says it surprised her and she left. But......the "ice" had been broken. She told him she didn't think they should she each other again. But the OM was very patient and my WW continued to text with him. Of course this whole thing was a huge boost to her self esteem and she could not get that kiss off her mind even though she vowed she would never do it again. Fast forward two months and by now they are texting thousands of text a month, most of a sexual nature and she finally broke down and had sex with him. But it took about 3 months or so, if I would have caught her during that time obviously she would have told me they "only kissed". So it is possible. Maybe not likely, but possible. Don't underestimate the power of kissing on a woman, and though the goal of the OM is usually always sex, it doesn't always happen, at least not right away.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> Sorry you didn't get to hear what you want to hear, this is going to take cousage and work. Or you can just file divorce nd put the place up for sale.
> 
> Btw, why the hell is she out at bsrs playing darts without you, that's your main problem.


In the UK it would have been an old-fashioned, traditional pub, so not like the kind of bars I saw in California in my brief but happy visit.

I wonder if this is her first affair?

PJ, you deserve answers.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Tell the darts team. Why?


To make it difficult for her to see them again. Hopefully they will ostracize her (and him) and she will no longer be welcome.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> To make it difficult for her to see them agai., Hopefully they will ostracize her (and him) and she will no longer be welcome.


And, as I pointed out, to ensure he doesn't get the chance to do it again.

Not entirely sure I agree with mixed sex dart teams.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Dude, exposure won't drive her to him, she is already there. Unless I miss my mark she has been having sex with him all along. She has convinced her family she is not, so her lying is not just to you. Affairs operate best in the dark, exposure brings it to light. By telling the OMW, you hopefully get an ally and he has consequences for his actions. Many times he will abandon their affair partner as it is just too much trouble. Your wife then realizes that she was just the flavor of month and starts to come out of the fog of the affair. 

In the meantime, you need to talk to her only about financial or legal issues, unless she is ready to give up her boy toy and come back home. Additionally, if she comes home, she needs to be transparent with all media and devices. It is fine to trust, but you also need to verify as she has a poor track record with the truth. Also you need to consult with an attorney, you don't have to file, but you need to know your legal rights. If exposure to OMW has little to no affect, then I recommend that you file. 

Emotions are obviously high for you and need to be dealt with as well. Exercise is good for relieving stress and makes for a healthier you. Spend time with friends and family, hobbies, etc to help keep your mind occupied. You may also want to consider counseling.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

3putt said:


> For the life of me I'll never understand why this seems to be such a torturous decision for some to make. Doesn't make any sense. When did doing the right thing for yourself (and others at the same time) require so much nail-biting internal debate and anguish?
> 
> Damn


They shoot the messenger.

If only OP could be aware of how much of a burden will be lifted from his shoulders with a single phone call.

I'd say he's in shock, but with his other thread quite some time earlier, one has to wonder as to his motives and thoughts.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

PJ's probably still is in shock to an extent.

PJ, let Cheaterville take the strain out of outing them. There's even an app there to let you automatically email the link to people.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Years earlier..

I was in fact as reluctant as OP to call other man's girlfriend. The dominating thought of mine was "She will think me weak.. Not even able to hold possess of a woman.. what kind of man is he?"

What I didn't know then was that the choice was not mine, but hers. She took away my manly pride, not me. She would have to suffer the consequences, not me.

If only I had TAM in my inventory 9 years ago.

There, a drunken confession for ya folks. OP, take notice. Act now.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> And, as I pointed out, to ensure he doesn't get the chance to do it again.
> 
> Not entirely sure I agree with mixed sex dart teams.


I played in a mixed darts league for years. We never had that problem. Of course, all of our spouses and significant others were also there all the time as well. It's the way we did things. 

As couples.

Now we're getting back to the difference between integrated lifestyles vs. independent lifestyles in a marriage. If this had been a mutual outing, chances are we wouldn't be having this discussion, and he would be a much happier hubby right now instead of experiencing what he is.

Boundaries.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

You have to give her time? The minute she went outside of the marriage is also the choice of not being you. I live with the hell everyday of my wife choosing another man.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Pjclarke1978 said:


> Warlock07, i have all the conversations. I am holding on to them for now.
> 
> Revenge is a dish best served cold. So I'll leave him to sweat!.


 WRONG! Revenge is better when served cold only if your the only one that knows. She knows that you know about it and so does he, and by sitting and doing nothing, your giving this bum all the time he needs to come up with a good cover story to tell his unsuspecting wife. 

If you have the evidence. Give it to her. let him threated you with a RO. That has about as much value as a bucket of warm spit. He thinks that telling you that will scare you. Call his bluff and I promise you that you will hear the fireworks coming from his house just by opening a window in your home.

Next thing you do is tell your wife that if she can't make her mind up, the you'll do it for her and file for divorce and have her served. First Class Wakeup Call! But IMO I would tell her to go live with gramps not to come back. She's doing nothing but stringing you along and setting you up to be "Plan B" and the good ol' fall back guy. Call her bluff too. Put the responsibility where it belongs, with her and Grand Pap. (Yikes! I called him Gramps. He's in his early 50's and I'm 66)


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Will she set up MC with you?

If she will not, then file for divorce. she is holding you hostage.


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

3putt said:


> For the life of me I'll never understand why this seems to be such a torturous decision for some to make. Doesn't make any sense. When did doing the right thing for yourself (and others at the same time) require so much nail-biting internal debate and anguish?
> 
> Damn


Because people that don't want to get divorced think it is too risky to do that.


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

HarryDoyle said:


> Just my two cents on this: Kissing does *not* always mean sex. It will usually lead to sex eventually depending on a lot of things, but not always. My WW had a year long affair with someone 15 years her junior (my WW was 50) from her work. It started as a EA of course, and after a month or so the POSOM suggested they meet after work "to talk". They meet at a large park nearby in a remote, romantic pavillion. After a few minutes of "talking", he kissed her. She says it surprised her and she left. But......the "ice" had been broken. She told him she didn't think they should she each other again. But the OM was very patient and my WW continued to text with him. Of course this whole thing was a huge boost to her self esteem and she could not get that kiss off her mind even though she vowed she would never do it again. Fast forward two months and by now they are texting thousands of text a month, most of a sexual nature and she finally broke down and had sex with him. But it took about 3 months or so, if I would have caught her during that time obviously she would have told me they "only kissed". So it is possible. Maybe not likely, but possible. Don't underestimate the power of kissing on a woman, and though the goal of the OM is usually always sex, it doesn't always happen, at least not right away.


Some people are way to shy or inexperienced to jump into sex. They are completely taken by an EA in the beginning, and they can go a long time on the power of just and EA. I have heard of people being infatuated with somebody, but not sexually attracted to the person.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

ok im a little late here but what everyone is telling you is GOLD!! file for D man you can always stop it later but with no kids this early into the marriage i would D and run. she had sex with him, i mean really what 2 adults are only going to meet up to make out?

i know you want to R with her and that is your right if thats the case you still have to be willing to lose it all to save it. women like strong alpha men and by giving her time you are showing the complete beta side.

i would text her telling her hope her and her grandpa are happy together you wont stand in the way and only to contact your lawyer when she has a question about the D. and TELL THE OMW YESTERDAY. he will dump your wife to save his arse they always do.


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## Pjclarke1978 (Oct 23, 2013)

Did forget to mention, the whole darts thing. She goes with her dad, few family friends. This is where she met this guy. He is a brother of one of the players. They didn't know whole thing was going on. I am mates with two of these guys. They were in shock as much I was when I told them. The bloke she cheated no longer goes to darts. This I know for a fact!.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

3putt said:


> Jesus dude, quit acting like you know what the hell you are doing and call this man's wife NOW!
> 
> One freaking phone call and thing entire thing ends right now!
> 
> Oh, and tell her your wife confessed to sleeping with him. Let them disprove it if it's actually true they didn't.


3putt, you are simply brilliant!


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## Doyle (Mar 6, 2013)

Nice idea mate.

Mind f++k or what.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> In the UK it would have been an old-fashioned, traditional pub, so not like the kind of bars I saw in California in my brief but happy visit.
> 
> I wonder if this is her first affair?
> 
> PJ, you deserve answers.


I'm sorry, I thought they drank and had fun in pubs:slap::slap:


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Chaparral, I know you are tongue in cheek but the truth is the UK pub culture is a central reason for the misery of life in Britain for many. For the working class the pubs are alcoholic pit stops, where they destroy their health and marriages.

My mother is from there and none of my drinking relatives has had it better. My cousin, a wealthy farmer, had a dozen dogs locked in cages smeared with excrement the last time I was there. He did not have time for his animals because he played darts and got drunk. He is good guy and proclaims that he has happily remarried on FB. I love him and hope it is true. He still writes about dart and beer.

PJ,
Of course you should contact his wife.


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