# Girl I'm dating has herpes



## Cavani09 (Jun 17, 2021)

Hello everyone. So basically it's like the title says. Recently started dating back after sometime off. Haven't dated in a while or even had sex. 3 years in fact. So Met a great girl through a friend Been seeing her a few weeks now and sex has been coming up. 

I enjoy her company she's fun. She recently told me she has herpes. Oral herpes. I don't know much of STDs so I couldn't say much about it. Her last boyfriend cheated on her and that's how she got it. 

Im just stuck I'm not sure what much to do. Being out of the dating world and sex as well I don't want to let my penis make any decisions that I'll regret. 

So I'm looking for some advice. Im really not sure what I should do.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Cavani09 said:


> Hello everyone. So basically it's like the title says. Recently started dating back after sometime off. Haven't dated in a while or even had sex. 3 years in fact. So Met a great girl through a friend Been seeing her a few weeks now and sex has been coming up.
> 
> I enjoy her company she's fun. She recently told me she has herpes. Oral herpes. I don't know much of STDs so I couldn't say much about it. Her last boyfriend cheated on her and that's how she got it.
> 
> ...


Look up about it and what it means and how you can try and avoid it. There is no guarantee that you wont catch it so its will be a risk even if you are careful.


----------



## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

Cavani09 said:


> Hello everyone. So basically it's like the title says. Recently started dating back after sometime off. Haven't dated in a while or even had sex. 3 years in fact. So Met a great girl through a friend Been seeing her a few weeks now and sex has been coming up.
> 
> I enjoy her company she's fun. She recently told me she has herpes. Oral herpes. I don't know much of STDs so I couldn't say much about it. Her last boyfriend cheated on her and that's how she got it.
> 
> ...


OP
Oral Herpes is a common cold sore around the mouth area. 

I think your wires are crossed. 

Genital Herpes is an STD and is very different matter. 

Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

boonez40 said:


> OP
> Oral Herpes is a common cold sore around the mouth area.
> 
> I think your wires are crossed.
> ...


There is one that can appear in the mouth and genitals. I am guessing she was tested so knows what it is and that it is an STD caught from a previous partner.

Just read this.Herpes is the most common oral STD in the United States and is present in more than half the adult population. Many contract the disease as children by getting a kiss from a family member or friend infected with HSV-1, according to the *American Sexual Health Association*. Herpes causes oral blisters and cold sores, which usually heal in 7–10 days, but can break out again at any time. Oral herpes can be transmitted to genital tissue, even when no symptoms are present. Can also be passed on by kissing.


----------



## hairyhead (Oct 30, 2015)

boonez40 said:


> OP
> Oral Herpes is a common cold sore around the mouth area.
> 
> I think your wires are crossed.
> ...


Agreed. I get cold sores on my top lip occasionally. Usually when run-down or when I've been out in the sun a lot.

It's not an STI. Just avoid kissing.

Use Zovirax and it goes away.

Sent from my CPH2159 using Tapatalk


----------



## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

You are entering the dating world again, but say that you don't know much about STIs. It's probably worth you doing some research then.

50% of the US population carries the HSV-1 virus in their system (cold sore version of oral herpes) it can be higher or lower in other countries, but globally its pretty high.
Many people do not show symptoms of this virus.
So you have about 50% chance of dating someone with this, but they and you might not know they have it. You may have it. 

HSV-2 is the genital version and about 12% of US population has it. Again its lower or higher in other countries. 

There can be cross over infections between the two sites, (mouth and genitals) but I'm not up to date on whether HSV-2 can remain as a life long oral virus, or HSV-1 can move and become the life long genital version. Usually it seemed a cross over was a one off.

So you need to find out.

I have had the cold sore virus (HSV-1) since I was 3 years old. It was not sexually transmitted, so even staying away from sex its still possible to get oral herpes/cold sores.


----------



## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

You can get both HSV 1 or HSV 2 on either mouth or genitals. The mouth one is most commonly though HSV 1 but they are really the same virus. Though it's my belief that if you get HSV1 on your genitals you are less likely to ever get another outbreak. Also, you can only get infected if your partner has an active blister and you will see and they will know about it.

Most people have been exposed to this if they have had more than a couple of partners by this I mean 3. It's that common! Most people never get symptoms. It's that common that they don't even test for it anymore unless a blister develops for the first time. Some people don't even get a blister when they contract it so they never know.

There is more of a stigma around HSV2 which is just sad as I say as most people don't even know they have it. One of my close girlfriends told me a few years ago that she had it. She has had two sexual partners and she is in her mid-40s and married for 17 years. Her husband has never shown symptoms they just avoid sex if she has an outbreak which is every few years. She got it from her first boyfriend and no he wasn't seeping around on her just got it from a previous partner when he was 19.

So OP I would say that she is more than kind in letting you know that she has this as most people don't tell. Most people don't tell because they don't get recurrent symptoms and there is so much omg around it and shame because people freak out. It's not HIV and no big deal. If you like her then don't let her super honesty put you off. If you have had sex with a few other people over the years then one of them had HSV (1/2 ) it's just that they didn't tell you. You might even have it yourself, you just don't know without a blood test which in Australia they will no longer do because it's a waste of time.

All the best, it's good to be informed. If you have a sexual health clinic where you are call them or make an appointment. They are more informed than your local GP.


----------



## Cavani09 (Jun 17, 2021)

boonez40 said:


> OP
> Oral Herpes is a common cold sore around the mouth area.
> 
> I think your wires are crossed.
> ...


hey thanks for the reply. she told me thats what she has. oral herpes and she never had any outbreaks or anything like that.


----------



## Cavani09 (Jun 17, 2021)

EveningThoughts said:


> You are entering the dating world again, but say that you don't know much about STIs. It's probably worth you doing some research then.
> 
> 50% of the US population carries the HSV-1 virus in their system (cold sore version of oral herpes) it can be higher or lower in other countries, but globally its pretty high.
> Many people do not show symptoms of this virus.
> ...



most definitely. i really have to get more information on these things. i live in the caribbean. trinidad to be exact.


----------



## Cavani09 (Jun 17, 2021)

m.t.t said:


> You can get both HSV 1 or HSV 2 on either mouth or genitals. The mouth one is most commonly though HSV 1 but they are really the same virus. Though it's my belief that if you get HSV1 on your genitals you are less likely to ever get another outbreak. Also, you can only get infected if your partner has an active blister and you will see and they will know about it.
> 
> Most people have been exposed to this if they have had more than a couple of partners by this I mean 3. It's that common! Most people never get symptoms. It's that common that they don't even test for it anymore unless a blister develops for the first time. Some people don't even get a blister when they contract it so they never know.
> 
> ...


yes i appreciate very much that she told me. for me its not a crazy big issue like other STDs but its still an issue for me since i never had anything like that. other fact is i like being honest and a long term relationship is not what im looking at. so to risk contracting it for something i know i dont want right now seems rough. she's very attractive and is a great girl but its difficult for me to try and pursue anything further taking into consideration how easily transmitable it is.


----------



## Cavani09 (Jun 17, 2021)

ShatteredKat said:


> ya know how to open a browser window and do a search with Google or any other search engine?
> 
> you should give it a try -


 yeah i've been reading up on it and other things as well. sometimes a little personnal experience and other peoples opinions shed better lighting on the matter.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Cavani09 said:


> for me its not a crazy big issue like other STDs but its still an issue for me since i never had anything like that.


Be careful. If it's genital herpes, it's a lifelong commitment. It can be really bad for some people. It will survive the relationship.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Cold sores on her lips or sores on her Jay-jay?? 

Almost everyone has cold sore outbreaks on their lips now and then.

If she has a sore on her lip, don’t kiss her on the lips or have her go down on you until it is all healed up.


----------



## Cavani09 (Jun 17, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Cold sores on her lips or sores on her Jay-jay??
> 
> Almost everyone has cold sore outbreaks on their lips now and then.
> 
> If she has a sore on her lip, don’t kiss her on the lips or have her go down on you until it is all healed up.


she said she never got any sores or breakouts anywhere. on her lips or vagina. she did the test after the old boyfriend told her he had it.


----------



## Cavani09 (Jun 17, 2021)

Sfort said:


> Be careful. If it's genital herpes, it's a lifelong commitment. It can be really bad for some people. It will survive the relationship.


she says its oral. but i've also been reading it can also be genital through sex. this doesnt seem like its something i can put up with really.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Cavani09 said:


> she says its oral. but i've also been reading it can also be genital through sex. this doesnt seem like its something i can put up with really.


You don't have enough information to make a decision. If it's oral, it's almost certainly not a big deal. If it's genital, it's a different story. I've had simplex (oral) my whole life. As someone posted, more than 50% of the worlds population has oral. With oral, just don't let her give you a BJ if she has an outbreak.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Dated and had sex with someone with the genital herpes virus, years ago. Like many viruses, it is only transmissible during periods where symptoms are present. Being aware, communicating, and taking precautions when necessary are usually sufficient. She caught it from her partner who was cheating on her ... and that was how she found out.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Deejo said:


> Dated and had sex with someone with the genital herpes virus, years ago. Like many viruses, it is only transmissible during periods where symptoms are present. Being aware, communicating, and taking precautions when necessary are usually sufficient. She caught it from her partner who was cheating on her ... and that was how she found out.


She told him that she has no symptoms but that she was tested and was positive so how would she know if she can pass it on it not?


----------



## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

I'd just clarify and make sure it's only oral. If so, I wouldn't kiss her if she had a cold sore or outbreak but it wouldn't stop me from missing out on what might otherwise be a wonderful woman. I know a couple of people who have that and it's no big deal. They just use Valtrex when they have cold sores and avoid direct contact between the area of the sores and anyone else.


----------



## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Cavani09 said:


> she said she never got any sores or breakouts anywhere. on her lips or vagina. she did the test after the old boyfriend told her he had it.


And did the test say that it was version 1 or version 2 of the virus?
It sounds like it's the common HSV-1 one, oral only.

You also have no blisters or sores do you. If you take the test today, there is about a 50% chance you will also show as having this virus lying dormant within you, just like this girl found out.
If you take the test, and it comes back positive, please be as honest with partners as she has been.

And, if you are only wanting her for a short term sexual relationship, like you say, rather than a commitment, then bow out gracefully now. 

But do be aware that, like with this lady, this virus doesn't show visibly on a high proportion of the people it infects, (2/3rds of the global population have HSV-1 and many don't know they have it) so you will never know unless they actually know and tell you, or they have an active case.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Deejo said:


> Dated and had sex with someone with the genital herpes virus, years ago. Like many viruses, it is only transmissible during periods where symptoms are present. Being aware, communicating, and taking precautions when necessary are usually sufficient. She caught it from her partner who was cheating on her ... and that was how she found out.


If it's only transmissable during an outbreak then the bf had to be having an outbreak and she had to have seen it.

So she had to have seen it....did she mention why she had sex with him anyway?


----------



## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

You need more info. Is it just cold sores? How did she get diagnosed?

I started having cold sores in my 30's, during extreme weather or stress. I have to avoid cold air or sun light on my lips. 

I avoid touching anybody with my lips while having a cold sore. I feel it coming so I keep my distance if I feel the tingling sensation around my lips. 

My mother has suffered from cold sores her whole life. I believe I got them from her since my husband has never had one.

We just use common sense and avoid any contact with my lips if I have an outbreak.


----------



## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

According to my doc, I have had hsv1 since childhood. I have never had a cold sore. 

The man that gave me hsv2 had no symptoms. Some people are asymptomatic and have no clue when they are shedding. The old tale of “as long as they don’t have a blister or sore you can’t get it” is not true. I found out the hard way. 

OTOH…I’ve had it for a long time, rarely ever feel anything anymore and to the best of my knowledge, have never given it to anyone. 

Research reputable sites. Knowledge is power. I refuse to sleep with anyone until they do and know the full risk. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

I hate to break bubbles, but there are technically 8 types of Herpes, even if most folks only think about two types. Perhaps a little too much herpes information, but information is good.

If you are just entering the dating pool again, you should get STD tested. Who knows you may already have what she does. You should learn what the different visible symptoms and common symptoms are for various STD/STI's. You should also learn about "safer sex" as there is not completely "safe" from STD's sex. There are some sex acts that are "relatively safe" and some things you can do to reduce your chance of giving or receiving an infection. I will let you google that or go to you medical professional.

Now as to what you should do? That is a question for you to answer. You need to consider how you feel about her, how she feels about you, how you would feel to telling someone else that you have an STD/STI if the two of you ever break and what having an STD/STI would mean to you and your lifestyle and goals.

There are a lot more dramatic STI's that one could get, some can be quite deadly and others after the right medications can just get you banned from ever donating blood in the future.

You need to do a lot of research until you are satisfied with your level of knowledge. You should also, once you have educated yourself, talk to a medical professional and share this information with your girl friend.

Good luck.


----------



## overrnbw (Jun 16, 2021)

There's other women out there, just FYI...


----------



## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> She told him that she has no symptoms but that she was tested and was positive so how would she know if she can pass it on it not?


unlikey she would be tested for hsv1 but if she has never had symptoms then she won't be passing it on. It's only passed on with the shedding of the blister. Also it's tested as a blister so she must have had an outbreak for it to be tested.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

m.t.t said:


> unlikey she would be tested for hsv1 but if she has never had symptoms then she won't be passing it on. It's only passed on with the shedding of the blister. Also it's tested as a blister so she must have had an outbreak for it to be tested.


Sounds like he needs to ask her more about the test and what exactly they diagnosed.


----------



## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Well there you go…so many untruths. This is WHY you need to research reputable sites. 

To add to YAHs post. You have to ask SPECIFICALLY for herpes antibody tests. If you order a standard STI panel, herpes will NOT be included. As a previous poster said, it is SO prevalent that it is not included in a standard STI panel. 

A condom is USELESS for protection UNLESS the preferred OB site is on the man’s penis BEHIND the layer of condom. 

On women, the preferred OB site is near the labia (from grinding) and can even be INSIDE the vagina where you can’t see it (which again is where a condom would offer some protection). I would assume most ladies who have it know exactly where their OB site is. 

Furthermore, you do NOT have to have a blister to be tested. Much like Covid, you can have an antibody test run. The higher your antibody count is, the longer you’ve had it, hence much fewer OBs and the much lower your chances are of passing it on. 

When I had my first OB from hsv2, my doctor tested me with a result of negative. I KNEW I had it. It took 6 months to show up in my antibody stream. I confirmed it after my divorce since I would probably be dating again. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> If it's only transmissable during an outbreak then the bf had to be having an outbreak and she had to have seen it.
> 
> So she had to have seen it....did she mention why she had sex with him anyway?


The CDC claims transmission happens frequently during periods where there are no visible symptoms. For whatever that's worth.

Cavani, like others have said, herpes is forever and your relationship with this woman probably isn't. The fact I ended up not sleeping with a girl who had it when I was younger and willing was a great blessing. I don't think my now wife would have accepted me if I had, which would have changed the entire course of my life for the worse.


----------



## Cavani09 (Jun 17, 2021)

hey thanks for all the feedback. so i talked to her bout how she got it and what it was exactly. said her ex boyfriend got it when he cheated on her. he had genital herpes. she sucked his d*ck and got it. he told her what he had, she never had syntoms or any outbreaks. she did a blood test and it came back that she had oral herpes. 

we never had sex just kissed a few times, so im guessing i'll definitely have to get that checked out, when we did kiss tho she had nothing of the sort no sores or blisters or anything like that. basically why i asked about this was she's a geat girl and i didnt want to just judge and write someone off based on something i didnt know alot about. 

researched herpes and was shocked at its popularity worldwide. seems as though nearly half the population has it. 

truth is i just started back dating and this is not something i was looking at long term and risking getting it isnt what i want. 

follow up question is how do i let her down easy now? i dont wanna be harsh about it and make her feel bad.


----------



## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Cavani09 said:


> hey thanks for all the feedback. so i talked to her bout how she got it and what it was exactly. said her ex boyfriend got it when he cheated on her. he had genital herpes. she sucked his d*ck and got it. he told her what he had, she never had syntoms or any outbreaks. she did a blood test and it came back that she had oral herpes.
> 
> we never had sex just kissed a few times, so im guessing i'll definitely have to get that checked out, when we did kiss tho she had nothing of the sort no sores or blisters or anything like that. basically why i asked about this was she's a geat girl and i didnt want to just judge and write someone off based on something i didnt know alot about.
> 
> ...


There is zero way not to be harsh if you are going to cite that as your reason.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

overrnbw said:


> There's other women out there, just FYI...


Yes, there are, many of whom will have herpes and not know it or not be willing to inform you if they do. 

I would rate this one worth considering for the honesty alone.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

So she got genial herpes in her mouth. Did she not also have sex with him? Because if she got in in her mouth from his ****, she could have gotten it in other places, too.


----------



## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Livvie said:


> So she got genial herpes in her mouth. Did she not also have sex with him? Because if she got in in her mouth from his ****, she could have gotten it in other places, too.


Stop…just stop. 

Once you get it it has a site preference.

It’s ok to not post if you have no idea what you’re talking about.

Damn 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Stop…just stop.
> 
> Once you get it it has a site preference.
> 
> ...


I'm posting exactly what the OP relayed. HE SAID the woman got herpes FROM her boyfriend's "****". His words. So she picked up his genital herpes, in her mouth. That's what he said. So how am I not knowing what I'm talking about 🤔


----------



## Cavani09 (Jun 17, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> There is zero way not to be harsh if you are going to cite that as your reason.


guess i just have to say it.


----------



## Cavani09 (Jun 17, 2021)

Livvie said:


> So she got genial herpes in her mouth. Did she not also have sex with him? Because if she got in in her mouth from his ****, she could have gotten it in other places, too.


damn. i didnt even think about that. now thats a scare.


----------



## Cavani09 (Jun 17, 2021)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Stop…just stop.
> 
> Once you get it it has a site preference.
> 
> ...


so you cant have both oral and genital herpes? i wasnt thinking too much of the genital because she told me she had oral. but if her ex had genital herpes and she had sex with him would she not also contract genital herpes?


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Diana7 said:


> She told him that she has no symptoms but that she was tested and was positive so how would she know if she can pass it on it not?


Because you can absolutely test positive for either herpes variant, but not be actively shedding virus. Generally, if lesions aren't present, it is unlikely you will pass it on. Don't care what she knows. Would be up to her, but also sounds like she has simplex 1 ... which is primarily oral, but can present on genitalia as well. Explaining how it works to the poster.


----------



## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Cavani09 said:


> so you cant have both oral and genital herpes? i wasnt thinking too much of the genital because she told me she had oral. but if her ex had genital herpes and she had sex with him would she not also contract genital herpes?


There are 2 types. HSV 1 and HSV 2. HSV 1 prefers the mouth and is the most common but can be genital. HSV 2 is generally genital. There are always rare exceptions. 

She may or may not have contracted genital herpes from him. There is no way to tell. She may have always had #1 and assumes she got it from him because he had a genital form. THERE IS NO WAY TO TELL. 

PLEASE do not listen to the previous poster. Once you get either virus, it has a site preference. As in when it is shedding, it will come back to the same area of the body. You do NOT get it on other parts of the body. You have it period. Where it chooses to show itself (or not) is typically the same place. My HSV 2 site is the right side of my outer labia. My XH’s preferred site was on the shaft of his penis. Does that make it more clear?

You really need to do some more research on reputable sites. You can’t trust what some random people on the internet who have never had experience in it or have never researched it from reputable places. 

Your lady’s doctor is the best source. If he tested her then he knows what kind she has and also knows the antibody count to see how long she has had it. Those are things she needs to discuss with him. If she doesn’t feel comfortable doing that, she should at least get her antibody counts and research what they mean. 

Knowledge is power!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

There is an interesting Dan Savage, Savage Love article on Herpes and sharing information about it. You have a pretty brave and honorable girl friend. Dan Savage article on Herpes


----------



## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Cavani09 said:


> Hello everyone. So basically it's like the title says. Recently started dating back after sometime off. Haven't dated in a while or even had sex. 3 years in fact. So Met a great girl through a friend Been seeing her a few weeks now and sex has been coming up.
> 
> I enjoy her company she's fun. She recently told me she has herpes. Oral herpes. I don't know much of STDs so I couldn't say much about it. Her last boyfriend cheated on her and that's how she got it.
> 
> ...


@Cavani09 a male friend of mine started sleeping around when he divorced his wife, and ended up catching herpes. He told me he was embarrassed and said the dr said it's still OK for him to have sex, but not when it's flared up. He said he gets treatment for when it's starting to flare up and knows to avoid sex till it's cleared up/disappeared. He said it doesn't flare up all the time (once maybe twice a year). I told him to wear condoms before he catches something else lol. Especially if he's still going to be sleeping around. She can get treatment for it but don't think it disappears and will always be there, but it can be manageable till cleared. Just avoid sex when flares up. Myself personally couldn't have a relationship with a man with an std. It's good she was honest and told you though. 

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ben Dover.
Ben Dover who?
Ben Dover and I’ll give you a big surprise!


----------

