# The engagement ring



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

So another thread about a watch instead of an engagement ring brought me to a question and I wondered the ladies opinion. Would you prefer to get engaged first then go pick the engagement ring together or would you rather he pick it out and just get it sized later? I have heard women prefer it both ways and I'm sure some guys have Opionions on it as well. Just curious which is preferred. I would personally learn toward picking it out together so she gets what she wants but some see it differently.
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## vel (Aug 27, 2016)

I think it's pretty personal for every couple. If she's a traditional gal the surprise is part of the package, so having the ring first could be important. Ideally you'd secretly know her finger size already, and have some idea of what she likes to wear. ie; if she's fairly sporty you wouldn't get her a ring with many tiny sidestones (which will fall out) or with the center stone too high set (which will bang into everything).

Though if you're getting ready to propose to her, you should know what she wants better than anyone here!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Constable Odo picked my ring. He was keen on a specific setting. It means more to me that he chose precisely what he thought would suit me. When I look at it, I always think of him. I think that's precisely the effect he was aiming for.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think you should at least look at some rings together so you have an idea of what she likes.

I don't believe in surprise proposals.....I think marriage should have already been discussed so you're both on the same page


To me the idea of a surprise proposal is a little dated in that it assumes women want to get married and the guy is now going to do her the huge favor of marrying her.

But that's just me.

Have you guys discussed marriage?
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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> I think you should at least look at some rings together so you have an idea of what she likes.
> 
> I don't believe in surprise proposals.....I think marriage should have already been discussed so you're both on the same page
> 
> ...


Ohh goodness no. We are comfortable doing what we are doing and can't foresee marriage in the future, least not until my youngest is up and out of the house in 12 years. Was purely a curiosity question :smile2:


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Satya said:


> Constable Odo picked my ring. He was keen on a specific setting. It means more to me that he chose precisely what he thought would suit me. When I look at it, I always think of him. I think that's precisely the effect he was aiming for.


Ok see I like this being a tradional mindset myself. But what would have happend if he picked and you just didn't like it at all? Or is it really more that anything would do so long as the suprise and ring was given?

FYI tell odo hi. Miss his wit here


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> Ohh goodness no. We are comfortable doing what we are doing and can't foresee marriage in the future, least not until my youngest is up and out of the house in 12 years. Was purely a curiosity question :smile2:


So you have discussed it and you're both in agreement?

I'm sure that's the case, I had to ask because so many times on TAM I've seen a guy make that statement only to find out HE was comfortable and was shocked that his gf wasn't.

I do think I remember you saying you guys were in agreement though.
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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> So you have discussed it and you're both in agreement?
> 
> I'm sure that's the case, I had to ask because so many times on TAM I've seen a guy make that statement only to find out HE was comfortable and was shocked that his gf wasn't.
> 
> ...


We have had discussions about what I would need to see for us to look at marriage and she has not made an effort to get there. So we are comfortable where we are at. Unbelievable to me her marriage was far worse than mine so it's not a real priority to either of us.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

My husband picked for me. 
Great choice, he knew my style pretty well. 
I ended up with a beautiful vintage sapphire & diamond ring. 
Still get envious compliments from single girls, they're shocked when I tell them he picked it all on his own! 
It's still a mystery how he got the size correct for my skinny fingers! 

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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> We have had discussions about what I would need to see for us to look at marriage and she has not made an effort to get there. So we are comfortable where we are at. Unbelievable to me her marriage was far worse than mine so it's not a real priority to either of us.


Interesting. Can I be nosy and ask what your issues are?
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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

I picked my own out. My husband really didn't have any clue on what I would want. He wanted me to have exactly what I wanted. He was probably glad that my tastes weren't that fancy. 

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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I did pick my own setting out, hb decided how big of a stone to put in it. 

It's a little fancy but I love it so much I didn't get another wedding band.....I want to wear my engagement ring all the time.

Hb is happy I'm happy and I get compliments on it all the time.
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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

I don't wear a ring and never wanted one. I'd rather have a nice trip than a ring any day of the week.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

wild jade said:


> I don't wear a ring and never wanted one. I'd rather have a nice trip than a ring any day of the week.



I was just using your post as fodder for my humor, @wild jade. This isn't about you at all. 


If I was to give something like a nice trip as an engagement gift, I'd make it a his and her's:




To Portland, OR










To Portland, ME











> :surprise: :laugh:


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> Ok see I like this being a tradional mindset myself. But what would have happend if he picked and you just didn't like it at all? Or is it really more that anything would do so long as the suprise and ring was given?
> 
> FYI tell odo hi. Miss his wit here


I will. 

And yes, I would have been happy with anything. Just my personal preference. It's the fact that it is a thoughtful gift that the person I love chose more than whether I prefer it. I know there are many women that want to have a say in what is on their finger, and that's perfectly fine (and I think pretty much the usual for most women) but for me, every single piece of jewelry I own was given to me by a friend or family member. I wear them because they remind me of the person. I have never bought myself nice jewelry. I make simple earrings and bracelets with beads, when I need something quick that matches an outfit. The expensive things were all gifts as I'd never think about buying them for myself.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Either way works. If he picks it, it's special because it was his choice alone. If both choose one together, it's special because it was a joint decision. Most people would find the positive rather than the negative I think. Negative being either he didn't pick exactly the style she would've or it wasn't a surprise.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

The Constable got a winner.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I'm with lifeistooshort that the proposal shouldn't be a surprise and the couple should look at rings together to get an idea of what the recipient's preferences are.

I also don't like the idea of the big surprise proposal because it implies we women are just waiting around to get married and men are giving us a big gift by asking for our hands in marriage.

If I ever were to get married again, I don't think I'd like an engagement ring at all. I think I'd like it to be a natural matter of course that we should be married, because we love each other that deeply and want to vow before our loved ones and God that we will honor each other until death do us part. And then I'd like us to both wear wedding rings that we pick out together to symbolize that for the rest of our lives. 

But I'm 51 and bitter. You might want to ask a twenty-something who has never been married instead.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I don't think I proposed at all. I think second ex and I just talked about it as a matter of fact. I read a letter I wrote at the wedding, telling everyone how we met and how wonderful she was, before the ceremony. I was told I never asked her mom. Her dad was long gone. I asked at the wedding. I felt guilty about that. I messed up there. Though, she knew. It wasn't a secret at all. I can't remember how we or I picked out the ring. I think I did, but I'm not certain. I couldn't afford the one carat she would have liked.  Okay, that last sentence was a bit of sarcastic humor. The rest was and will be serious. I promise. I think. No, I promise. 

I think the ring should be a surprise to some extent. I mean, if the guy hasn't done his homework to know what you would like, if you haven't discussed marriage at length prior, or if you have no clue that he is going to ask soon, you probably shouldn't get married.

I think the surprise comes in the timing of asking. You know he is likely going to ask, after all the talking, dating, etc., but you don't know what day it will be coming. That's enough of a surprise. 

If you want him to pick it out with you and he wants to surprise you with the ring, you probably shouldn't get married. 

Okay, that's my serious response. Back to comedy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree that a proposal should not be a surprise. This is a joint decision. Proposing out of the blue really puts her on the spot. Plus you could be left holding a very expensive ring.

As for the ring, I suggest going shopping together, just looking at rings. That way you know what she likes and her ring size. Then either be together when you buy it. Or if you are going to propose as a sort-of surprise (sort of because you have already discussed getting married), then you know what she likes, so you can get her a ring that fits that style.

Sure it’s very romantic for the guy to pick the ring. But there are some really gaudy or ill designed rings out there. It would be awkward to get an engagement ring that you really hate or that does not fit your lifestyle (look at post above about sports and rings with small stones). 

Think of it, swapping genders. A friend of mine married recently. She got him a ring too. He was picker than she was. He wanted a ring with a diamond, but was very particular about the medal, etc. It had to do with his hobby. She wanted to get him the ring that he really wanted.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I agree that a proposal should not be a surprise. This is a joint decision. Proposing out of the blue really puts her on the spot. Plus you could be left holding a very expensive ring.
> 
> As for the ring, *I suggest going shopping together, just looking at rings.* That way you know what she likes and her ring size. Then either be together when you buy it. Or if you are going to propose as a sort-of surprise (sort of because you have already discussed getting married), then you know what she likes, so you can get her a ring that fits that style.
> 
> ...


Yep, that's how I did it, if I remember right. I did that with all of the jewelry I bought her. Sure, I messed up at times, but who doesn't? The effort was there all the way. 

You see, no one can know you, if you won't let them. All you can do is try. It should have been a warning to me when I got her something that she really didn't care for much at all. Don't you think?

That was my fault.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Interesting. Can I be nosy and ask what your issues are?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Course I have talked about them here before. Basically she wants a divide between parenting and our relationship. In other words she doesn't want my input, help, or discipline, which I do anyway occasionally, of her son. This doesn't have anything to do with me mind you It comes from her being abandon by her husband and left to raise him on her own. She is extremely protective of him because of this and doesn't want input for anyone how to raise him. Unfortunate because I can see somethings missing. 

At times it's more like roommates living togeher than a family unit. We have tried to address the issues but at the end of the day she is comfortable with the way things are as am I. But I have made it clear that marriage would be off the table so long as we had these barriers. If they can't be consciously corrected then it will correct itself once all the kiddos are gone. Either way we are happy with how things are .


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I agree that a proposal should not be a surprise. This is a joint decision. Proposing out of the blue really puts her on the spot. Plus you could be left holding a very expensive ring.
> 
> As for the ring, I suggest going shopping together, just looking at rings. That way you know what she likes and her ring size. Then either be together when you buy it. Or if you are going to propose as a sort-of surprise (sort of because you have already discussed getting married), then you know what she likes, so you can get her a ring that fits that style.
> 
> ...


I like the shopping together thing. When I was engaged I asked then that's exactly what we did. I thought it was great as I don't think I have great taste in these things


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Wolf, 

Stay far away from that. Good lord that's what happened with my second ex an me to some extent. I couldn't say a thing to the daughter, so I said it to my ex. She did little once in a while and nothing most of the time. She defended her daughter, but gave me no consolation for my own feelings. 

I must say, I expected her to defend her daughter. When her daughter was wrong, I expected her to do something, since those were the rules she laid out and I agreed to them. 

It will rip you two apart. You will feel disrespected. You will know your place in her heart is lower than her ex. You will know you come last in the home. Few of your opinions will matter as time goes on. Once started and agreed to, the poison filters through all the organs and kills all good with the bad. 

Run away! Run away!


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

In my first marriage, it was the traditional he picked it out scenario. I never liked it, but I loved it because of what it meant.

My second marriage we didn't do anything traditional, and we picked it out together, but irony be as it may, we both picked the exact same one. So it wouldn't have mattered if he picked it out without me.

Different situations for very different marriages, each was right for where I was at during that time in life.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> The Constable got a winner.


Thank you, that is very kind.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

If you think you have good taste in such things and know what she likes, then you may do well. I worked in a jewelry store for years and my husband picked out the most awful setting. I really couldn't stand wearing it. I know I'll be beaten to death for that, but it's true. It was so ugly as to almost be embarrassing.
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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I'm very pragmatic and non romantic. I'm also very picky with clothes and jewelry. I wouldn't be happy if my BF picked the ring for me. We'd go together. 

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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

We went together as I wasn't planning on proposing at that exact time. We went to mall jeweler. They were running some strange promotion (early Cinco de Mayo?) where all employeyes were wearing sombreros and ponchos while serving Cheetos. We should have ran. It was a bit traumatic at the but makes for a great inside joke now. 

Otherwise I think would have picked something I thought was nice but would have been ok with us exchanging it together.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> Wolf,
> 
> Stay far away from that. Good lord that's what happened with my second ex an me to some extent. I couldn't say a thing to the daughter, so I said it to my ex. She did little once in a while and nothing most of the time. She defended her daughter, but gave me no consolation for my own feelings.
> 
> ...


Yeah maybe I just have good foresight but I can see these problems your talking about and want no part of that. From what I have seen and read here few and far between are those blended families that actually can transition into just a family. Maybe just too many variables to overcome. Guess that's why I'm content where we are at. This works! Why mess with that


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Spicy said:


> In my first marriage, it was the traditional he picked it out scenario. I never liked it, but I loved it because of what it meant.
> 
> My second marriage we didn't do anything traditional, and we picked it out together, but irony be as it may, we both picked the exact same one. So it wouldn't have mattered if he picked it out without me.
> 
> Different situations for very different marriages, each was right for where I was at during that time in life.


I can see this. I would think much is different in the second marriage including the wedding and all that goes into it


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> Course I have talked about them here before. Basically she wants a divide between parenting and our relationship. In other words she doesn't want my input, help, or discipline, which I do anyway occasionally, of her son. This doesn't have anything to do with me mind you It comes from her being abandon by her husband and left to raise him on her own. She is extremely protective of him because of this and doesn't want input for anyone how to raise him. Unfortunate because I can see somethings missing.
> 
> At times it's more like roommates living togeher than a family unit. We have tried to address the issues but at the end of the day she is comfortable with the way things are as am I. But I have made it clear that marriage would be off the table so long as we had these barriers. If they can't be consciously corrected then it will correct itself once all the kiddos are gone. Either way we are happy with how things are .


I have a question, lol...just curious....as you know, I am a very involved stepmum, and relish my role in my girls life (which comes with the blessing of both her parents). I spend more time with her than either of her "real" parents...I do everything for and with her - doc appointments, dentist/OT/Physio/Specialist etc. and I discipline her too when necessary and enforce/follow through.

I also love her with all my heart - and she loves me too.

How would you feel, as the dad, if you met a woman who wanted to be that involved in raising your daughters with you?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

frusdil said:


> I have a question, lol...just curious....as you know, I am a very involved stepmum, and relish my role in my girls life (which comes with the blessing of both her parents). I spend more time with her than either of her "real" parents...I do everything for and with her - doc appointments, dentist/OT/Physio/Specialist etc. and I discipline her too when necessary and enforce/follow through.
> 
> I also love her with all my heart - and she loves me too.
> 
> How would you feel, as the dad, if you met a woman who wanted to be that involved in raising your daughters with you?


I would love it. I definitely take more advice on my daughters then I am allowed to voice advice about her son. To me I look at it as my GF has been this age girl before and knows what she is going through she has a frame of reference. 
Example...
My X was well endowed and developed early. So my 10 almost 11 year old started to show in the chest. my GF came to me and said I need to buy these training bras? Maiden form something right? I had no freaking clue what these things are. So my GF ordered a few online for her and showed me the difference. I value her opinions on the matter cause she understood this better. She doesn't see this the same way with her son, hence the divide.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> I would love it. I definitely take more advice on my daughters then I am allowed to voice advice about her son. To me I look at it as my GF has been this age girl before and knows what she is going through she has a frame of reference.
> Example...
> My X was well endowed and developed early. So my 10 almost 11 year old started to show in the chest. my GF came to me and said I need to buy these training bras? Maiden form something right? I had no freaking clue what these things are. So my GF ordered a few online for her and showed me the difference. I value her opinions on the matter cause she understood this better. She doesn't see this the same way with her son, hence the divide.


Awesome 

And you're right...sometimes dad's have no clue about bra's and things for their daughters, lol. In our case, my SD got her first period while she was with us, she was only 11. I know my husband was REALLY glad I was here, lol. I've always been really open with her about it all, and so has her mum so she wasn't phased at all. I had a starter kit here all ready for her, and we went through it together. 

I did feel for her mum - SD's her only child and daughter, and that's a HUGE milestone in a girls life. SD and I rang her straight away and told her, and I told SD that I would happily take her to her mum's if she wanted to see her, but she was perfectly happy to stay here with me, lol. I think hubby would have handled it like a champ if I hadn't been here but he was sooooo glad I was!! Rofl


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> So my 10 almost 11 year old started to show in the chest. my GF came to me and said I need to buy these training bras? Maiden form something right? I had no freaking clue what these things are. .


:rofl: :rofl: 

Oh man, that would have been hilarious watching you try to navigate the bra shop! Bahahahaha!!!


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Wolf1974 said:


> I can see this. I would think much is different in the second marriage including the wedding and all that goes into it



So tremendously true. Hard to believe any of the same "players" were involved it is all so different!


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## SadDaisy (Sep 16, 2015)

Mine was a total surprise, a beautiful marquis diamond.
Many years later the marriage fell apart. 
I still have the ring. What am I supposed to do with it now?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I'm recently engaged, and he asked me to marry him (without the ring) and then we went e-ring shopping, afterwards. It was special to look at rings together and I think it's an individual decision that each couple makes, depending on the situation.


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