# Anger Overtaking Me.



## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I currently have another Post...when to know to let go...if you would like some background information on my situatio n. I wanted to post this seperatly to get some expanded advice and to ask if there is any others feeling these similar emotioins...esp towards their children.


I'm turning into someone I no longer know and I hate it. I talk to my friend and on here about how I don't understand how he could walk out on his family just like that, how he could leave me and esp. the kids. But now I don't even know who I am. I am so angry one minute e, and the next minute I can't stop thinking about something that I should do to get us back together. I feel, no I know, that I am taking it out on the kids, I yell far far to much and they are sooo young, they have no idea. I am so angry to my family. I get jealous when they are happy, and when they can go out and do things and I can't bc I have to be with the kids. I argue with my mother all the time about how I raise them and she always is reminding me of how she raised three kids and then i'm always snapping back saying at least you had a husband helping you. My dad told me last week that he loves my kids but he sometimes thinks that they would have been better off adopted. That tore me up.

But if I'm being honest I don't know if I was ment to be a mother. And even as I type that I'm crying it hurts to say it, and it sounds so selfish. But I really hate him!! I hate him for leaving me, I hate him for leaving me with two children that a lot of the time, pretty close to 100% percent of the time, I feel incapable of caring for. Yes they are always fed and clothed and dry, but it is so hard for me to just hold my daughter, so hard for me to just get on the floor and play with my son. I am constantly thinking about how somedays I wish I was in my H's shoes, that I wish I didn't have these two responsibilites, that I wish I could just do what I wanted. Most of the day I feel like my life is over. That sounds horrible and dramatic but its true. This isn't how I wanted my life to go. Not just about the divorce but the fact that I am responsible for them for the rest of my life and I am now taking care of them alone, with no emotional, physical, or financial help from their father. i HATE HIM! But worst of all I'm jealous of him.

I won't go into detail but it has been since Feb since I have been touched...in any way, a hug kiss anything! But now I can't even image just squezzing someone's hand. If someone even just brushes against me in a hallway i feel like my skin is burning. Its so difficult for me to hold the children

I feel horrible for writing this, and posting it. I just need some advice, some perspective. I just want to heal and put this behind me but its been months and I still feel ripped up n'inside and I can feel the hate overtaking me and I don't want that. I don't want to be bitter and I want to be able to love my children like most mothers do. I don't want to take this out on them.


----------



## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

You are not alone. I have a lot of anger issues too. One minute I am fine and the next I think I would REALLY enjoy punching my a-hole of a H in the face!!

It sounds like you are a great mother. God obviously wants you to be a mom and has great plans for you. It's just that you haven't exactly found out what plans those are yet. Do not doubt your abilities!

I get the "no touch" thing. I feel like there is a 20' razor wired wall around me. I don't know how I could ever be so open and loving to anyone. I'm so worried that the next person I meet (if there is a next) will up and leave me too without any warning. 

Hang in there. Feel free to vent your feelings here, however dark they are. We understand.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Hate him....but don't give him the energy to dwell in the anger stage for too long. He doesn't deserve it.

Go talk to your minister Ash. Keep talking to him. Gain the peace that you need. Last time you spoke with him he gave you some good advice. 

Do you go to counseling on a regular basis. I know you have your hands full but you need to release your anger and resentment in a healthy way. 

One day Ash...you will find love again and someone to hold your hand. You can't imagine that now because so many other emotions are flooding through your heart. You are young, smart and loyal. Your children will not keep you from feeling love from another man. 

Look at life through your childrens eyes. It's unfair to them to lose a dad and have a mom resent them. You know this intellectually but the anger is fierce. Direct it at your H. Write him a nasty letter (send or don't send). Tell him he's a loser azz. 

He deserves the anger. Go talk (weekly) to a minister or counselor and vent Ash. 

I'm glad you come here to share....


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Ash I spent the entirity of last weekend writing a hate letter to my H - - I was weeping uncontrollably most of the time when I wrote it - I will never ever send it - heck I don't think I will ever read it - but I think I am learning to get my anger out - because I am a whole load lighter this week...keep venting to us - you will find a very willing set of ears - I know I speak for a few of us on here when I say "we aren't too fond of your H either"....


on a practical note: if you can try to make 'little' decisions...and if you can try to avoid thinking about the future in a negative way - if you can't think about a positive future just hang in the present - cope with day to day stuff - 

Now I also think that you guys (your mum, dad everyone ) could benefit from some family counselling - I wish I could send my counsellor over to you - she is a family therapist and I can just hear the sorts of useful things that she'd be saying to you about your situation - 

it is tricky on so many levels - very complex - 
but number one for you is your precious relationship with those beautiful babies - (do you have any photos you can post ? ) understand if you don't want to (protecting your privacy etc.) 

I remember reading once - "If you want to know how strong you are start looking after something living - something that you need to keep alive"...

Through taking care of your kids your inner strength will develop - and grow - 

I will keep saying this for as long as you need to hear it - you are ana amzing young woman Ash and you have so very much to offer - and what goes around comes around - your future will be beatiful, strong and bright because you are - and those children will be part of that beautiful future....

your H - he has nothing


----------



## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Thanks for the advice all of you. I guess I just need to take it one step at a time.


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Ash,

Listen to Knortoh. You can't think of everything at one, you've got to break it down into small pieces or it is overwhelming. Believe I do that at times and that crushes your spirit.

Also, you can do this and your children will love more for being there for them. They will, trust me.


----------



## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Thanks FA. Yes both you and K are right. I know I just am the type of person that wants everything fixed right away! I like answers I hate leaving loose ends. And I just feel like this divorce was just one mangle of loose ends.

Someone told me that until you know you have done everything you can keep trying...then once you know you have done everything you can to let it go

A few weeks ago I would have told you that I had done everything that I can

Now that last week I received my divorce papers and signed them...I feel like I havent done nearly enough

As far as the counseling K and CW I am going throu my health insurance which is a hassle right now bc their is a waiting list. I may have to buck up and pay out of pocket I just don't know if I can afford that right now, so I might just wait until my name comes up.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Understandable that you have doubts now - totally understandable - it will take serious time Ash - 

even one session with a really good therapist will give you some confidence - 
can you out all the favours for this? I have been under extreme financial duress as well and my counsellor only charges me a tiny amount...she is very socially minded...so if you can find someone perhaps you can arrange to 'pay later' or something like that -


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Ash: If you have a University in your area...call the counseling or pyschology department. They often have interns that have clinics for free of charge. They are Master or Doctoral level students. Just an idea to save money. 

Also counselors do probono work...they don't advertise this but it's common. Call a recommended one and ask if they know of any counselor that do sliding scale rates. She/he just might bite!

It really would be beneficial.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Yep my counsellor charges me next to nothing!


----------



## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I need to look into that...but other than a university and such what are some sugguestions about finding a good counselor. I'm a little apprehensive only bc I know Im in a fragile state, so I want to make sure whoever i go see is willing to work as hard as me to make it work


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Try to get a referral from someone. Don't be ashamed or prideful about going to a counselor if you've never been. I was before I went, but looking back I wish I would have gone to a counselor years ago.

I would check all the universities like CW said, Penn, Villanova, etc. There are a lot in that area. Talk with people you know. You might be surprised at how many are gong through issues as well.


----------



## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

You can do this Ash. You deserve the support and self-care.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

You'll find someone who is right for you...and you will be doing it for you - I think of my counselling sessions as a wonderful chance to learn something about myself - about life - about the world..it is not that counsellors have the answers or tell you what to do ..they just help you get to where you need to be so that you know yourself what to do - so that you can trust in yourself....


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Yes referrals.

Also, if you don't click after a few sessions move on. Also, if the counselor starts talking about her life on a regular basis...don't bother. Unless it has something to do with your issues then it's unprofessional. 

Ask around to friends....


----------

