# Is it possible for children to thrive after divorce...



## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

if there was a lot of strife in the family due to the bad marriage?

My husband is angry, selfish and mentally abusive. My daughter (11) has severe anger related to this. She has continually expressed that she wants to leave and move in with Grandma (my mom).

Is it possible her anger issues would resolve after being away from him, or would I be in for even worse acting out?

What is your opinion?

I also have a son (15), but I think I would originally leave him with his father (most of dad's anger is directed at me and daughter). He would be a barrier to being able to work on her in the short term.

I need a major intervention, I'm afraid for her future.

Any advice, or experience with this?

TIA


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

No one here has a crystal ball.

Leaving your son behind with an abusive father is a really bad idea. It seems that your husband targets the females in the family with his abuse. Your son has learned this. If you leave him behind he will learn that is a male vs female thing... you will have abandoned your son... another form of abuse.

Perhaps your daughter could go live wiht your mom for a while to see how it works out. Or maybe you can then children could go live with your mom for a while to get a break, see how everyone does.

Could you give some examples of 2 or 3 of the worst things your husband has done when he's abusive?


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## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

He calls names mostly and criticizes.

He has destroyed my property, for example, cut up my favorite shirt once, and another time cut up a jacket I had received from work with the company logo on it that I really liked.

One time when he had one of his angry outbursts, we were on a mini vacation to a place with high cliffs. The four of us were standing there looking out into a range of mountains. The kids were barely close to the edge, and he flipped out yelling at the kids saying they weren't listening about moving back from the cliff (they weren't close). He often makes public displays, cussing and acting like a fool. On the way home, I was humiliated and very upset at how he had acted (A group of women had actually stopped and asked me if my daughter and I were okay after he stormed off in his tantrum). I had said in the truck that I should take the kids to my parents because my dad would be a good role model.

He then said "Yeah, because they're daughter was a druggy ****". I did go through a rough time in my teen years after my mom went to work full time and my parents were volunteer paramedics, but it was completely unnecessary to say that in front of "my" kids.

He hides food for himself, extremely selfish. He has us in $50,000 credit debt and filing for bankruptcy. None of that was my doing. He takes my entire check, but that wasn't enough. He still had to rack up credit debt on top of that. He never thinks of anyone but himself.

He'll say to my daughter "Your clothes don't fit anymore because you eat too much", which will throw her into a crying fit saying he's calling her fat. Anytime he has to give anything (ie...spend money on kids), he throws tantrums. Or he'll say "I can't stand you" when she's acting out, or "I wish I never had kids", etc.

Bottom line, he's a rotten excuse for a human, and I'm embarassed to still be in it after all these years....since 1995. I give people too many chances, and sometimes even make excuses for his sorry ***. I think my family (mom, bro, cousin) who I've shared things with, has given up on me ever leaving, so I hardly discuss things anymore.

I just know if I don't do something about my daughter soon, the teens will be worse.

He's not so bad to our son, but he does manipulate anyone and everyone, so I wouldn't want him around him full time if I were to leave. My son tends to be more like me though. The worst traits he has of him are a little disrespectful and materialistic.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

:slap: And you are STILL with this guy? And you are CONTEMPLATING leaving your son with him? :banghead: 

I thought I was bad letting my 15 year old son live with my STBXH for the past 6 months. My H is an alcoholic but at least he treated my son decently and tried to make things work. When I figured out that his father was back to drinking and neglecting my son I took him back to my house and am now filing for divorce. 

Your husband sounds far worse. At least my H didn't set out to make my son miserable. Your husband sounds like a ticking time bomb that's ready to go off. 

Pack up, get ALL your kids out of there and move out. ALL of you move in with your parents. If they won't take you then go to a shelter. Just GET OUT. End of story. Sheesh. 

Maybe, just maybe, your kids have a chance of turning out all right if you do this NOW. It's all on you. You are their only hope and you have to set an example for them because the only example your husband is setting is a BAD one, especially when it comes to your son. Do you want your son turning out like him? If your answer is "yes" then you are doing a great job. 

Otherwise, you are as much to blame as he is because you are allowing this to go on.


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

-I can tell you without hesitation that your kids will do better getting away from an abusive parent.My marriage ended with my wife getting arrested for domestic abuse on our ten year old daughter- I made the phone call -the women had anger issues that had just spiraled out of control in the last years of our marriage.After she was gone and I put an order of protection against her I was able to really gain clarity of how traumatized our children had really become in her abscence.She filed for divorce and I knew when I made the call that was probably going to be the case but I rationalized I was a father first.3 years later I have the majority of the custody of the child that was primarily abused and I can say that she is definitely doing the best of our 3 children.I'll never forget after court was done with and we started the new parenting schedule how happy she was-kids are worth fighting for.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Of course. Humans are adaptable. They thrive wherever they find love, support and stability. Whether it's in a children's home, a single parent, with adopted or foster parents, with their own two parents, with an older sibling, or at a boarding school or camp. We live in a very strange society where we gauge 'normal' by what's around us. We often lose sight of the big picture that's the world.


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

Ditto-the judge offered in court his insight into the matter that children are not fragile that they are very adaptable and resilent
and thats just it they need that loving environment to do well in what ever form that may take.


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