# Purity rings



## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

I would like to know what other people think of these purity/virginity rings that some children are wearing now. 

I find them extremely gross and disturbing. I think that giving children the idea that they are PURE if they are virgins when they get married gives them the ideology that people that do not wait are some how IMPURE. 

I think one of the reason that it bothers me so much is that it gives the impression they are promising their virginity to their parents and not their future spouse.




http://womensissues.about.com/b/200...-rings-virginity-pledges-and-purity-balls.htm


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Well, the people in my church, as a rule, don't wear jewelry except wedding bands/engagement rings. That said, I see nothing wrong with it if that is what these kids are choosing to do. It is their choice to remain virgins until they marry. Personally, that is what I am going to be teaching my kids...abstinence before marriage is preferred. It is something I wish I had waited to do. I won't love them any less if they choose not to wait, but it doesn't mean I will encourage them to have sex before they marry.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

anony2 said:


> I would like to know what other people think of these purity/virginity rings that some children are wearing now.
> 
> I find them extremely gross and disturbing. I think that giving children the idea that they are PURE if they are virgins when they get married gives them the ideology that people that do not wait are some how IMPURE.
> 
> ...


Men as a group, there are always weird outliers, generally prefer new or limited mileage if acquiring previously sexually conquered women. This is especially true for traditionalists. Also, there is some modern social science that seems to indicate greater marital satisfaction among women with fewer previous partners.

The rings are idiotic, though.


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

When I was in high school I remember some girls who were way into that. They were also the school skanks. Pray to Jesus on Sunday, sex in your car with some guy Monday, spreading gossip Tuesday...needless to say, I didn't respect them that much.

I think that waiting til marriage is important for me personally and I hope for my kids, but I also think it's kind of cheap to wear a ring and pretend like that makes you a good person. I think if that's something you value and treasure you don't need to flaunt it like you're a saint or something.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

anony2 said:


> I would like to know what other people think of these purity/virginity rings that some children are wearing now.
> 
> I find them extremely gross and disturbing. I think that giving children the idea that they are PURE if they are virgins when they get married gives them the ideology that people that do not wait are some how IMPURE.
> 
> ...


I agree it's a very odd thing. Where are the purity rings for the boys? Those I've seen have been for the girls. It comes off as an ownership of the daughter's sexuality, but not the son's. Where are the purity balls for the sons? And every time the girl has premarital sex is she "cheating" on her father?


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Well, the people in my church, as a rule, don't wear jewelry except wedding bands/engagement rings. That said, I see nothing wrong with it if that is what these kids are choosing to do. It is their choice to remain virgins until they marry. Personally, that is what I am going to be teaching my kids...abstinence before marriage is preferred. It is something I wish I had waited to do. I won't love them any less if they choose not to wait, but it doesn't mean I will encourage them to have sex before they marry.


That is what is strange about this, I have no problem with the abstinence part, just with the purity/ring thing.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Odd. But I also find it odd to raise children in a religion without giving them a choice. that's just me. I exposed my kids to a lot of religions, my oldest likes to go to church.

Her sexuality is hers. I will expose her to all the pros and cons of sex and stress waiting until adulthood, when she can deal with the consequences of sex, but it's her choice. The ring means nothing. I had a friend in HS who wore one, and she was not a virgin. By far.


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## Earl Dibbles Jr (Nov 1, 2012)

Conjured up by the jewelry makers and diamond companies to sell more rings.

Just like all the other Hallmark holidays.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Coffee Amore said:


> I agree it's a very odd thing. Where are the purity rings for the boys? Those I've seen have been for the girls. It comes off as an ownership of the daughter's sexuality, but not the son's. Where are the purity balls for the sons? And every time the girl has premarital sex is she "cheating" on her father?


I did a thread on this a while back... Me & husband attended one of these "Silver Ring Thing" presentations ....I DO see this as a Money Making thing for the big whigs -absolutely... Was in the back room where all the books was being sold & these silly contracts written up between the kids & their parents - I practically rolled my eyes .... fluff... who would buy this??

I also feel it sets these kids up with unrealistic expectations If you read my thread, I talk about what is taught....... 








http://talkaboutmarriage.com/family...r-silver-ring-thing-purity-ring-movement.html









Our 2 oldest did choose to get rings after the program ... our 3rd son never wanted one. It is awfully cheap silver (both $20 a pop)- both rings broke /cracked a couple yrs later.....neither son replaced them- it is not about the ring for them, or a symbol of pride before others - that "I am better than you" and it sure as heck has nothing to do with some pledge with ME or his dad. 

I had no hand in any of this.... I allow them to go to Youth Group & make their own decisions..they wanted to go that night... (I never attended the one where our oldest got his ring)...

We do, however , talk to our children/teens openly about SEX, more than most parents could likely imagine... I don't want them repressed in any way...I had my fill of that & I wish it on noone. Hate Religion for the merry go round of guilt & shame for touching my boyfriend/ now husband. 

We don't teach FEAR... I am a free thinker, I encourage the same in them ... We DO teach about LOVE, respecting women, looking for compatibility in dating/ their future, possible consequences to their actions. These things....strongly. We were parents who waited... (but would never pass the PURITY TEST of those Presentations - nor would we want too...HELL NO!!)

I am not sure where anyone gets the idea that these rings are only offered to girls... NOT TRUE. What the problem is ... Is BOYS who wear them get made fun of... MEN are praised for their conquests/ Studliness ....this is what girls are attracted too also -it proves by their actions... so what boy in his right mind in todays society is going to go around & display his silver ring with Pride. 

Though I do know 2 who aren't ashamed ... our 2 oldest sons...They dont mind standing out in a crowd - Let the laughter begin. They know who they are & don't define themselves on how many chicks they bang. I think they even like the confrontation of just being different. 

I am not going to diss my own sons for feeling strongly for waiting for 1 woman - to love & cherish & give themselves too .(I see this as highly romantic & beautiful)... IF chicks want to think they are F'n weird...that's fine, cause those women wouldn't be their type anyway. 

Listen.. these kids are in the minority, they are the ones being made fun of in this society of Casual Sex ruling the norm. 

But a young person who has the maturity to restrain his or her Lusts...and wait for the whole package...is this really ugly to others - repulsive , something to make fun of..calling it creepy/ weird ? No one should think they are better... I get that.. but accepting our differences and what we personally *want* out of a sexual relationship (many do not care about LOVE, marriage is the last thing on their minds ).... those who dare wear these rings are saying... "I CARE".

If they are being self righteous about it, I can see the disdain... as the truth is... many who are like this... are very ugly inside...self righteous PRIDE is uglier than a humble sinner anyday.. anyone who has a good heart recognizes this.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think biological urges are pretty strong when teens start dating. This stuff takes place at a time when sex represents an opportunity to become more "adult" at the same time that their brains are going through weird growth spurts that affect their judgment. Parents who think that asking them to make a promise and wear a ring is going to be more powerful than those factors are probably deluding themselves. It gives the parents a false sense of security as their kid's out there with others who are also on the brink of adulthood. 

I'd spend my $$ on birth control rather than a ring.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I did a thread on this a while back... Me & husband attended one of these "Silver Ring Thing" presentations ....I DO see this as a Money Making thing for the big whigs -absolutely... Was in the back room where all the books was being sold & these silly contracts written up between the kids & their parents - I practically rolled my eyes .... fluff... who would buy this??
> 
> I also feel it sets these kids up with unrealistic expectations If you read my thread, I talk about what is taught.......
> 
> ...




This is the type of stuff I am saying that I find odd. If a bunch of old men in suits at a church or CEO's or whom ever else were talking about MY child's virginity....I would RUN in the opposite direction.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Would enjoy to see a test done on the purity of a large number of purity rings users. I bet i would get a good laugh at the results. Ridiculous notion.



> Parents who think that asking them to make a promise and wear a ring is going to be more powerful than those factors are probably deluding themselves.


They are... Totally... 
I can see that when i talk to parents. They haven't got a clue on where their kids are in terms of sexuality. They have this notion that they are these innocent little angels, when almost all are engaging in full sex or variants. Sometimes it gets real hard to contain the laughter when mommies swear that their daughters care nothing for boys when i see them with a new boyfriend every week.

I particularly remember a girl who got in trouble for offering a BJ to a teacher (dude reported it) and her mother saying something along the lines "I know she didn't do it because she probably doesn't even know what oral sex is"... ROFL... This one girl was notorious all over the area for giving BJs like handshakes. Almost cracked laughing there when i heard it. One of my colleagues didn't manage it and the offended look on that mother was priceless.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Would enjoy to see a test done on the purity of a large number of purity rings users. I bet i would get a good laugh at the results. Ridiculous notion.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I've seen that, too, and it frightens me because these kids DO learn from the examples and standards their parents set. Denial sets an example that the child will use when determining what's safe and what isn't - leading to those unwanted pregnancies and other unfortunate results.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Never heard of the purity ring thing until your post. When our boys were growing up they did attend an abstinence till marriage seminar which I as a parent attended as well. During that time, they were asked to make a personal pledge of abstinence. They did so on their own. I had nothing to do with their decision, heck they weren't even sitting with me; they were sitting with their friends. 

In our home, the topic of sex was not 'taboo', but it wasn't normal dinner conversation either. If they had questions or we had concerns, we discussed it at the time. We're pretty sure they didn't keep their promise, but we do know they were listening and did what they had to do to be responsible. Did we like the idea? Not really; but as parents of teenage boys, we'd be stupid to think they weren't at least interested. Our motto to them then: 

If you're going to partake in an adult activity, be prepared to pay adult consequences!!! 

Giving them the opportunity to make their own choice in the matter, is what ultimately gave them the confidence they needed to make the right decisions.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

heavensangel said:


> During that time, they were asked to make a personal pledge of abstinence. They did so on their own.


How did they do it on their own if they were asked to do it?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

The idea probably started out with the best of intentions... However, kids are fallible and it's an unnecessary promise to make if you are a practicing Christian. It's already part of the church beliefs to 1) save yourself before marriage 2) don't have sex with anyone but the person you are married to and 3) fornication is bad because it's sex outside of marriage - even as singles. 

This is "feel good" stuff that I think is common among some of the trendier Evangelical, non-denominational churches that are trying to show the parents that "they are doing their all to reach out to the kids"...


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

What it means is if a young person decided they want to have sex they most likely will not go talk to anybody[parents,health care worker ECT] to get info from fear of being judged more harshly which highers the risk of getting prefnant or getting a STD.

I remember back in the 80s Brooke shields was always talked about how she was a virgin and years later come to find out she was not and it was a lie.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

anony2 said:


> This is the type of stuff I am saying that I find odd. If a bunch of old men in suits at a church or CEO's or whom ever else were talking about MY child's virginity....I would RUN in the opposite direction.


I don't see it the same way as you, I don't try to shield my kids ... they wanted to go to this- with their Youth Group...should I have stopped them? It's not a bunch of old men in suits either. They had a Rock concert afterwards - teens having a really good time - with other teens. 

Should parents start pulling their children out of Youth Groups or boycotting this event - just cause?? Just as Christian parents pull their kids out on Halloween or Sex Ed classes...(which I also feel is silly).... I don't fear them getting an earful at any of these places... 

We set the example at home... They know our story, how we handled ourselves as teens in love. 

I don't feel they are ruining their lives being involved in a Youth Group... the majority of teens in our kids's high school are messed up... drugs, broken homes, openly promiscuous, proud & BRAG about it - younger & younger ages... is this all healthy & good? 

We are very pleased with the type of friends they hang with...We throw Large Bonfires/outdoor movies /music / volleyball ... for these youth kids in the summer. I get to hear some of their stories around the Fire..... some have it really tough in school for being different. For not joining in with the partying crowd/ drinking/smoking / sexting, etc. They feel a community with like minded teens. 


I am surely not suggesting that every kid that wears a purity ring is living up to anything...HECK NO! But I wouldn't suggest that every one is "screwing" either...

There is a minority....given a good home, self discipline & morals that abound their hormones -these have a greater chance of staying on course being around other like minded people. Also hanging in groups, not getting off alone is another factor. 



> *costa200 said: *Would enjoy to see a test done on the purity of a large number of purity rings users. I bet i would get a good laugh at the results. Ridiculous notion.


 And this is the sad part  ... it just makes it all FOOLISH and laughable.... 

You see, it has to be much deeper than a ring, being moved by some promise at a meeting & socking down $20.. No, this will not last... It has to be something they believe in deeply......

I would say the silver ring idea fails as often as DIETS do for women, we have good intentions but we can't stick to it, it's going against our baser cravings... My beef is the rediculous expectations they set though, not the notion to "wait" for Love.... Me & my husband did and I do not believe I am naive to feel our children may walk in similar foot steps as us... 

They know we wouldn't judge them if they choose to have sex out of wedlock - but yes, in all things.... *RESPONSIBILITY is #1.* That is drilled into their heads above all - You can choose what you want, but you damn well better be wise about it ! Cause Mom & Dad won't be picking up the pieces.



> *Costa200 said*: I can see that when i talk to parents. They haven't got a clue on where their kids are in terms of sexuality. They have this notion that they are these innocent little angels, when almost all are engaging in full sex or variants. Sometimes it gets real hard to contain the laughter when mommies swear that their daughters care nothing for boys when i see them with a new boyfriend every week.


I see this in the church... Our kids will tell us how so & so got busted for -sneaking to see a BF cause their parents are so darn strict & they can't talk to them. Many parents heads are in the sand. Heck , ours knows I yack about







on TAM - they know who to come too! It's a free flowing topic at our house -joking, bantering, even serious discussions. It's not the norm.... But it's our way.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I don't see it the same way as you, I don't try to shield my kids ... they wanted to go to this- with their Youth Group...should I have stopped them? It's not a bunch of old men in suits either. They had a Rock concert afterwards - teens having a really good time - with other teens.
> 
> Should parents start pulling their children out of Youth Groups or boycotting this event - just cause?? Just as Christian parents pull their kids out on Halloween or Sex Ed classes...(which I also feel is silly).... I don't fear them getting an earful at any of these places...
> 
> ...



This is what went on with our "church youth group" which was a Christian singing group that traveled all over the USA to sing to churches-we were making out in the bus, some of my friends even went so far as having sex on the school bus, swapping partners each week. Do you think that our parents knew about this? No they didn't. This was around 25 years ago. My first 'sexual experience' was with the pastors son. I was 12. His parents talked to him about sex too, they were also very open about sex. Forgot to add: this was the sixth through 10th grade youth group. 

I do not send my children anywhere that anyone is going to convince them to follow a religious dogma of virginity...because that CONTRADICTS being a free thinker...especially if it involves a Christian rock group singing before, after, or in the middle because just like a TV commercial tries to convince my children that eating sugary cereal is good for them and having a specific toy is somehow going to magically make them happy, I have to guard my children from the PIED PIPER. In this case, the pied piper would be someone else thinking for my children instead of them deciding for themselves what is moral. 


You might want to do some research as to why "pure" and "virginal" was such a good thing in the past...here. It had nothing at all to do with being moral or saving yourself for your spouse.


Please understand this is not an attack on you or your beliefs. This has nothing at all to do with you or your sons choosing to do this.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

I would have thought the presence of such a ring would act as a challenge to a certain class of guys and would make the girls a 'target'


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

It just means your children will be less likely to tell you the truth or seek your help when t comes to sexual activity for fear of disappointing you. Sad really.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> I would have thought the presence of such a ring would act as a challenge to a certain class of guys and would make the girls a 'target'


They do. Actually just using the ring makes girls more attractive for a wide range of boys.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

anony2 said:


> This is what went on with our "church youth group" which was a Christian singing group that traveled all over the USA to sing to churches-we were making out in the bus, some of my friends even went so far as having sex on the school bus, swapping partners each week.


 I can't even imagine this, absolutely ZERO provision was given then.

Ok, me & my friends* DIDN't* behave like this.... so what should we do about this ??? I hear you .... you hear me ... I believe your story. Should that nullify my experience ? Should what you have seen = every youth group across the country - all young people sticking their hands down their pants on the buses & heaven forbid sticking it in !! 

Whomever was in charge of your young people - did a SH** job...even with the best of leaders, kids will DO what they want to do.. (I'm not stupid)....but if 95% of them are acting like what you just described here ....the Leadership is a JOKE.......they are lacking poorly in influencing others to see the value in living honesty, having some self restraint ....likely pathetic examples themselves -just as their Chaperoning was. 




> Do you think that our parents knew about this? No they didn't. This was around 25 years ago. My first 'sexual experience' was with the pastors son. I was 12. His parents talked to him about sex too, they were also very open about sex. Forgot to add: this was the sixth through 10th grade youth group.


 My Pastor's sons were nothing like this, very respectable young men . I am sorry for your story, but not every Youth group and church = offspring like this. 



> I do not send my children anywhere that anyone is going to convince them to follow a religious dogma of virginity...because that CONTRADICTS being a free thinker...especially if it involves a Christian rock group singing before, after, or in the middle because just like a TV commercial tries to convince my children that eating sugary cereal is good for them and having a specific toy is somehow going to magically make them happy, I have to guard my children from the PIED PIPER.


 And you are free to shield your kids from whatever you like... 

I hardly agree with everything the Church Teaches ....:rofl: I could write a freaking book on my issues with religious dogma, and I have a grand enjoyment debating religious people, 75% of them do not know their own Bibles nor where any of these Doctrines even came from.... I always have FUN with that !! I teach my kids this as well. THey are not fundamentalists by any means. I want them "well balanced" as you do your own children. 



> You might want to do some research as to why "pure" and "virginal" was such a good thing in the past...here.


 I looked at your link. Correlating Historic Virgin sacrifices to why some want to wait till they are married for Romance & true love - I can't say this sits with me well. But interesting book .... If I had it , I would read it. History of what mankind has done in the name of religion IS DISGUSTING & beyond repulsive to me....I have similar books on my shelf and I do NOT turn a blind eye. I ENJOY informing christians of their own historic past..if you want someone to stir the pot, CALL ME !! One such book on anti-semitism I have on my shelf is >> Our Hands Are Stained with Blood:  .

Had I lived hundreds of years ago...I know one thing, my ass would have been burned at the stake... I have WAY MORE IN COMMON with Heretics with a







. 

But still....Unfortunate at it is... many in this secular society today - do not recognize the beauty in waiting for Love...this is stomped on in the name of "sowing your wild oats" " we all need some experience!"... so when it comes to the most intimate act 2 people can ingage in -expressing the height of Love in all it's emotion & beautiful vulnerability.... we just throw this away... A shame the church is one of the few still holding on I guess... but yeah.. burn all the religious dogma with it....I'm on board with you there !!! You have no idea how much. 

I don't like hypocrites anymore than you do, believe me... remember my thread here >> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...s-why-people-lie-how-much-acceptable-you.html ....but those can be found everywhere in every segment of society, it is not *all *concentrated within the church.

I do get that much of your disdain is stemming from being mercilessly hurt, something ripped from you - at a very tender age by the hands of those you were taught to TRUST..... so you have painted many with a broad brush here. You were innocent -they were vile, deceitful, wolves in sheep's clothing. 

Such wolves hang many places....one can also find them in this wonderful thing we praise..."casual sex" . 



> *anony2 said*: Please understand this is not an attack on you or your beliefs. This has nothing at all to do with you or your sons choosing to do this.


 And I appreciate that you said this.. but you know ...the truth is... I even feel hesitant to speak (well not really)...just how my sons are in this society, because immediately people think I am a FOOL parent and I am ever so sure - they conjure up some awkward fat geek with glasses who mumbles - and this is why they ain't getting laid. Just isn't always the case.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

After having looked at a few of them, you would have a hard time convincing me that they are nothing more than some kind of a marketing gimmick by the jewelry industry strictly to accentuate sales!

After all, we've lived so many years without them being around. Why, then, is their presence/existence so important now as compared to yesteryear?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

anonim said:


> How did they do it on their own if they were asked to do it?


You can ask someone to make a pledge, but it doesn't mean they are obligated to do so. Most of the time, things like this are done in such a way that it does not draw attention to anyone who does or does not make such a pledge. This is much like how, in my church, there is a slip in the pew, along with the tithe envelopes, where you can fill out a prayer request...rather than speaking up in church. 

Sure, parents are there. But, I don't think that necessarily means attention is drawn to the child if he or she did/did not make the pledge. I would think it would be left up to the child to tell mom and dad... I could be wrong, though. But my point is that while they may be asked, they aren't REQUIRED to make the pledge.

And, I wouldn't ask my children to make such a pledge to their dad or me. If they are choosing to do so, then it is between God and them, and no one else. I can only teach just so much, including church beliefs. Ultimately, the choice is theirs, I know.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

anonim said:


> How did they do it on their own if they were asked to do it?


It was a stadium full of teenagers attending the seminar. When the speakers were through with the program they asked those present who were willing to come forward to make the pledge to do so at that time..... About half of the teens did; while the others remained seated. 

What I meant is: I played no part in coercing them to do so.... it was strictly their decision on whether or not they went forward.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I can't even imagine this, absolutely ZERO provision was given then.
> 
> Ok, me & my friends* DIDN't* behave like this.... so what should we do about this ??? I hear you .... you hear me ... I believe your story. Should that nullify my experience ? Should what you have seen = every youth group across the country - all young people sticking their hands down their pants on the buses & heaven forbid sticking it in !!
> 
> ...


I do not think you are a fool for teaching your sons what you want to teach them. That is your choice totally and none of my business and I would not even be discussing you or your sons had you not brought them up because I have no problem with you or your sons, I just think the ideology of purity/rings is creepy and gross. I can separate the action from the actors. 



I do have lots of pastor's son/daughter stories regarding sex, stealing and even drugs. One of my school friends was caught having sex in the pastors office with his son. They were around 13-14 at the time. A daughter of one pastor that I know was going underneath the pews and stealing out of women's purses while her father was in the pulpit. This same girl went on to be a drug abuser. People often referred to her as the daughter of Satan and demon possessed....(looking back, I think she might have been considered autistic or add/adhd in today's lingo).


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Our 3rd son thinks silver rings are stupid, Yah for him ... never wanted one, didn't feel coerist to get one at the Presentation in the slightest. And you know what, his views on sex is pretty much the same as the other two. 

I was sitting in the Dentists office with him a couple weeks ago, he recently dumped his cheerleader GF he had for 7 months - because she was showing signs of wanting another boy, she was basically being disrespecful to him, speaking out of 2 sides of her mouth. 

I asked him that day... was he sorry he had those 7 months with her, if he could do it all over again...you know what he said to me.... He said "NO".... then uttered something about "wasting his 1st kiss". Then looked at me and said "I'm not a player Mom " . 

Ya know, as young as they are, I am very proud of their maturity. It's not about some stupid silver ring... it's about how an individual views Love, Life & the desire to share it all - ultimately with one very very special person.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My mom (a strict born-again evangelical Christian) FORBID me to have sex :rofl:

If I asked about it, she assumed i was having it.
If I talked about it, it was hushed up (EVEN NOW THAT I'M MARRIED!)

I didn't lose my virginity until my early 20s because of ME. Not because of her. Although she put fear into me about sex, which...wtf. I had many sexual issues that I had to work through because of my mom and her Christian values.

I won't forbid my children to do anything of that sort. What is that about? Make choices, live with the choices you make. Educate, educate, educate. My 13 year old is educated and is very smart. Hopefully she'll make wise choices (i'm sure she will, she is cautious). My little one...well, she'll make me go gray, I'm sure :rofl:

My mom gave me a virginity ring. I wore it because it was pretty. But I didn't buy into the 'saving until marriage'. I saved until I was in love...which was early 20s.

But I was a weird kid. I remember at 7 when my mom became a Christian, and she just made me become one, and she was SO PROUD when I said I had asked Jesus into my heart..blah blah...but even at 7, I knew I didn't believe it. I thought my mom was a bit out there...and Christianity wasn't for me. I'm not saying I hate the religion. I find Jesus, himself, to have been a man most people should strive to be like. I just never believed the bible or anything like that. I just didn't. And I knew that at 7ish years old. I just said I did to shut my mom up. 

Point is, ring or no ring, it has to come from WITHIN the person to do whatever it is the parent/church is asking them to do. Or else it's just lip service. I gave lip service for 17 years. Omg. Youth groups and church services where I'd rather have driven a rusty nail into my eyeball. Just to keep my mom off my back. By 24, I was like, ENOUGH! And I now live my life for me. 

I dont' want my kids to give me lip service. I want them to make choices and stand by them. My older daughter goes to the Baptist church here in our neighborhood and LOVES it. That's awesome. That was HER choice.

I got pregnant at 22. I had graduated college and was living on my own. But I wasn't married. I never felt so shunned or devalued than I did from my mom's church that we'd been attending for 15 years. I knew people my age were having sex...but I guess their 'sin' didn't show like mine did....so I was ignored and that's when I left the church for good.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> You can ask someone to make a pledge, but it doesn't mean they are obligated to do so. Most of the time, things like this are done in such a way that it does not draw attention to anyone who does or does not make such a pledge. This is much like how, in my church, there is a slip in the pew, along with the tithe envelopes, where you can fill out a prayer request...rather than speaking up in church.
> 
> Sure, parents are there. But, I don't think that necessarily means attention is drawn to the child if he or she did/did not make the pledge. I would think it would be left up to the child to tell mom and dad... I could be wrong, though. But my point is that while they may be asked, they aren't REQUIRED to make the pledge.
> 
> And, I wouldn't ask my children to make such a pledge to their dad or me. If they are choosing to do so, then it is between God and them, and no one else. I can only teach just so much, including church beliefs. Ultimately, the choice is theirs, I know.


This is my point Maricha, if the pledge is between "God and them", then why would the parents be giving them the ring?

Example: I made a pledge to my husband when he asked me to marry him...my husband gave me a ring (engagement), then when I made a vow the day that we got married, again, my husband gave me a ring.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I just made a pledge to myself to NOT be a HS statistic about sex. I wanted to be an adult and in love. And I kept my promise....TO MYSELF.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

Virginity is just a concept.

We don't have virginity for other things like driving a car, playing video games, wearing clothes, raking up leaves etc., so I think that this concept of virginity represents something else.

I think it represents the social and resource based consequences of becoming pregnant, becoming a parent before you are ready for it, of controlling what other people think of you (i.e. being judged as a wh0re, slvt etc.)

You don't want your child to be thought of as a 'slvt', to be treated 'as a wh0re', to become pregnant at 14 years old or to be a parent at 15.

I guess some people/institutions believe that they can influence children away from these outcomes by having them pledge to remain virgins until marriage. By preaching abstinence. By denigrating those that behave/believe differently or contrary to this.

Edit:

I dont believe in any gods, so my perspective might be different than some of the other people here but I dont think promising anything (including 'virginity') to anyone other than yourself is a good idea, simply because you might change your mind later on. 

Life changes you. Your experiences change you. How you feel now might not be how you feel in the future, and when you bind yourself to someone else's promises, you can get hurt (them and yourself)

The best thing you can do is to teach them how to make wise decisions.

*TLDR; Saving yourself because of someone else is stupid. If you want to have sex, then have sex. Just use birth control. Conversely, if you dont want to have sex then dont. Just be aware of your choices and why you make them.*

edit #2 :

As far as purity goes, what is virginity? How do you view people who get raped or molested? Do you consider them virgins?


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

that_girl said:


> I just made a pledge to myself to NOT be a HS statistic about sex. I wanted to be an adult and in love. And I kept my promise....TO MYSELF.


we are all statistics or no one is.

if someone is counting how many times you had sex in high school, then they are also counting how many times you didnt.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

anonim said:


> Virginity is just a concept.
> 
> We don't have virginity for other things like driving a car, playing video games, wearing clothes, raking up leaves etc., so I think that this concept of virginity represents something else.
> 
> ...


This is an excellent point.

Should I not start driving until I find the right car? Should my parents give me a ring to keep me from driving until I am in love? lol


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

anonim said:


> Virginity is just a concept.
> 
> We don't have virginity for other things like driving a car, playing video games, wearing clothes, raking up leaves etc., so I think that this concept of virginity represents something else.
> 
> ...


Regarding the religious portion: I think that's the thing... I see it differently because I AM a Christian, and this is one of those things I believe strongly about. Did I wait? No, I did not. And I wish I had. I wish I could go back and live that part all over again, and that my husband had been my first. But he wasn't, and I can't undo it. It is still something I feel very strongly about. However, it's not so strong that I would ostracize my child if he or she chooses not to wait until marriage. It won't make me love them any less.

Regarding rape or molestation: I do get where you're coming from regarding that. The survivor (I learned NOT to call them victims from the last discussion on this topic!) had no say in it. The survivor didn't make the choice. So I do not view it the same way as one who chooses to remain a virgin until marriage, and is able to follow through. The choice is taken from the survivors. It is not TAKEN from someone else who has not been violated.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

anonim said:


> edit #2 :
> 
> As far as purity goes, what is virginity? How do you view people who get raped or molested? *Do you consider them virgins?*


I can't answer that. Truthfully, if the survivor still considered himself/herself a virgin because the choice was taken away, I would support that thought. Then again, I can say that here, but I really don't know how I would act/react in real life. 


As for the original post regarding the rings...really, I guess the idea really doesn't hit me because we don't wear jewelry in our church, except engagement/wedding rings... and not everyone wears those either. The so-called purity ring doesn't keep anyone "pure" any more than a wedding ring keeps anyone faithful. It's a choice each person has to make for him/herself.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Did I wait? No, I did not. And I wish I had. I wish I could go back and live that part all over again, and that my husband had been my first.


The grass may not be greener. What do you imagine would be different if your husband was your first? Is it the way that you imagine he thinks about you? His jealousy/insecurity?



Maricha75 said:


> Regarding rape or molestation: I do get where you're coming from regarding that. The survivor (I learned NOT to call them victims from the last discussion on this topic!) had no say in it. The survivor didn't make the choice. So I do not view it the same way as one who chooses to remain a virgin until marriage, and is able to follow through. The choice is taken from the survivors. It is not TAKEN from someone else who has not been violated.


I am unsure of what you are saying here. Do you mean that you consider a survivor of rape/molestation the same as a virgin? Or that they dont have virginity to give?



Maricha75 said:


> The so-called purity ring doesn't keep anyone "pure" any more than a wedding ring keeps anyone faithful. It's a choice each person has to make for him/herself.


This.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

In this case purity/rings are we offering up virginity as a dowry of sorts and is that not like saying my child is so homely I have to pay you to take them?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

anonim said:


> The grass may not be greener. What do you imagine would be different if your husband was your first? Is it the way that you imagine he thinks about you? His jealousy/insecurity?


My husband doesn't harbor any jealousy in that regard. I had two partners, one time each, before him. One, I was 15. The other, I was 19. Both of them, I wish I had not had sex with. It is all me, how *I* feel about it *myself*. I am the only one my husband has ever been with. As you say, the grass may not be greener, but it doesn't invalidate my feelings about it. My _personal_ view is that it is a gift to save for the person you marry, whether you are a man or a woman. again, my PERSONAL view on the subject. It's not your view, that's fine for you. But it is mine and my husband's, and is what we intend to teach our children. Yes, we will teach them about sex and birth control, etc. But we will still teach abstinence until marriage above that. Again, our beliefs, our children, our choice.




anonim said:


> I am unsure of what you are saying here. Do you mean that you consider a survivor of rape/molestation the same as a virgin? Or that they dont have virginity to give?


I mean that if a survivor views himself/herself as a virgin, I will agree with him/her....which I thought I clarified in the post right after the one you quoted. I don't think that a survivor should have to believe that their first "sexual experience" was when they were violated. Maybe that makes me a hypocrite. I don't know and frankly, I don't care if it does. God forbid such a thing were to happen to one of my kids. I wouldn't want them to associate the "first time" with an experience like that.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> As you say, the grass may not be greener, but it doesn't invalidate my feelings about it. *Not at all am I attempting to invalidate you, I think you have the right to your beliefs.* My _personal_ view is that it is a gift to save for the person you marry, whether you are a man or a woman. *Interesting. why is it a gift in your view? what are you giving them?* again, my PERSONAL view on the subject. It's not your view, that's fine for you. But it is mine and my husband's, and is what we intend to teach our children. Yes, we will teach them about sex and birth control, etc. But we will still teach abstinence until marriage above that. Again, our beliefs, our children, our choice.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

anonim said:


> Interesting. why is it a gift in your view? what are you giving them?


Well, as I stated before, my religious beliefs play a large part in my views. Because of this, I see it as a gift, something special for the man I marry...something no one else has received from me. In my view, it is giving myself, my whole self, to him and him alone, never giving to anyone else. Yes, he is the only man I have been with since we met. I still feel that he should have been the ONLY man I have ever been with. But, he wasn't... and there is nothing I can do to go back and change that. All I can do is hope my children don't make those same mistakes.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

that_girl said:


> *Point is, ring or no ring, it has to come from WITHIN the person to do whatever it is the parent/church is asking them to do. Or else it's just lip service. * I gave lip service for 17 years. Omg. Youth groups and church services where I'd rather have driven a rusty nail into my eyeball. Just to keep my mom off my back. By 24, I was like, ENOUGH! And I now live my life for me.
> 
> *I dont' want my kids to give me lip service. I want them to make choices and stand by them*. My older daughter goes to the Baptist church here in our neighborhood and LOVES it. That's awesome. That was HER choice.


 And I agree with every word of that. :smthumbup: My kids are too "contrary" to give me lip service, little chips off the old block, they speak their minds, I wouldn't want it any other way. I encourage them to blissfully express their views of opposition in our house...we all enjoy the debate. 

I was not raised by strict religious parents ...I do believe that would be a Prison unto itself .. I know a girl who cuts herself & left home before she Graduated to get away from parents too overbearing.....I can only imagine how I would have handled that ... My Step Mom was rough on me but not religiously...I must admit this was a huge plus.  

I asked my boys in the car one day if they would like me to be like some of the parents of their friends....they gave me this look of horror & said ..."OMG Noooo, we wouldn't be able to do annnyytthhhhinngggg"!!" 

They went on a little bit...it was rather amusing... and our oldest told me once one of the greatest gifts I have given him in life is challenging him to THINK, and he added -if I was like alot of Christian parents, he would not have gotten this. Then he added I prepare him for atheists. Nice one. 


I take these as compliments. 

We can not chain our kids minds & souls, it only causes a rebellion that often turns such children into the Parents themselves of the utter opposite - they will be vehemently against how they were demanded to conform. Never wise.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Purity rings are sex education for the young. 
And intended to be the sex education that the ultra-conservative want. And similar to the sex education I received in high school. Which was worthless...

It consisted of "Wait till marriage." And if that didn't work, scare the kids with pictures of STD's. 
Nothing like birth control, or contraceptives was taught. 

And this approach doesn't work today when sex is shoved down our throats in TV shows, ads, stories, movies, etc.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

anony2 said:


> This is my point Maricha, if the pledge is between "God and them", then why would the parents be giving them the ring?


In this christian movie Courageous (2011)  that I went to see with our 2 oldest , there was a scene where the Father was giving his daughter a purity ring ...found it here >>> (Promise Ring) Dinner with daughter scene from Courageous - 

I found it very sappy & just overblown christiany ...... I remember afterwards , I was saying to my boys.. "OMG, that was just TOOOOO MUCH, not realistic" -overblown, bla bla bla ...I was basically making fun of it.. and they were telling me how they loved that scene! Go figure, our house is twisted. 

I feel very few fathers & daughters have a relationship like that portrayed in that movie, I can see where it would get sticky if she finds herself going over the edge with a guy, the guilt - with daddy's heart shaped ring on her finger. The intent of the meaning behind it - is Love & concern for your daughters future though, wanting her to find a good man, in the movie, she was falling for users- & quickly learned what Jerks they were. How often does this happen in real life. 

I did enjoy that movie & it's message but some scenes were clearly "over the top".


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Maricha75 said:


> The so-called purity ring doesn't keep anyone "pure" any more than a wedding ring keeps anyone faithful. It's a choice each person has to make for him/herself.


Ha ha ~ Isn't that ever the truth of the matter !! :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I have two Christian college-aged sons. I have no idea if they are "pure" or not, although I expect that they still are. If not, I still love them just as much as if they were. They need not ask my permission to do it, just as my parents didn't request it of me.

When they are ready to cross that threshold, that is their choice. They have been schooled in making the right choices about love, the feelings of other people, and the practicing of safe sex when and if that time ever presents itself.

But in any event, I want them to know that I am here to counsel them and to lend them a shoulder to lean on. Unlike my Dad, I will not "break their plate" if they fail to comply and impregnate someone. But if they do, then I will live up to my promise to help them, but only as long as they emotionally and financially aid the future mother of their child!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I see it differently now that I have a child in my house who technically is capable of getting someone pregnant. I'm not sure that the focus is really on virginity, but on "please don't get pregnant or get someone else pregnant". Because of they knew for sure their child wouldn't get STDs or have a baby why would they really and truly care?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

diwali123 said:


> I see it differently now that I have a child in my house who technically is capable of getting someone pregnant. I'm not sure that the focus is really on virginity, but on "please don't get pregnant or get someone else pregnant". Because of they knew for sure their child wouldn't get STDs or have a baby why would they really and truly care?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because we teach our kids to treat other people with respect and not willingly set out to hurt other people. IF my sons just used girls like glory holes banging them & leaving them -always a ready rubber in their pocket so they can swing it out & roll it on...... well, 1st I'd think the girls were stupid for giving it up to them anyway... but too often....emotions get in the way. 

I just wouldn't want to have sons like that, breaking hearts all over the place. Men will say anything to get in a girls pants when he is "feeling it".


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> ...willingly set out to hurt other people. If my sons just used girls like glory holes banging them & leaving them...emotions get in the way.
> 
> I just wouldn't want to have sons like that, breaking hearts all over the place. Men will say anything to get in a girls pants when he is "feeling it".



All that I can really say is that if my two offspring choose to go that route after the way that I've so dilligently worked and tried to raise them up in the best Christian manner that I know how, then while they may think that Dad might be just some big-hearted "old fart" by comparison, I would not hesitate, in the least, to make their lives as miserable as I could, in order to teach them yet another invaluable lesson in life.

And the last time I looked, I think that they richly referred to that as "tough love!"


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> *The so-called purity ring doesn't keep anyone "pure" any more than a wedding ring keeps anyone faithful. It's a choice each person has to make for him/herself.*


:smthumbup:

Finally,
The nature of the original argument becomes clear......


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