# Wife is cheating with my friend!



## mvarney

This is embarrassing to say the least but I need some advice on what to do. So My wife is 23 and Im 27. We have a 3 year old daughter who is my life. We have been together for 5 Years and married 2. 

So I catch her in a lie about her staying with her parents cause I called there to talk to her and her mom said she was with a friend. So once I spoke with her she said she needed to talk. She told me she was unhappy and that the relationship isnt working and she went to her friends to clear her head (still not believing this)

(Ive always been here for her...I dont have a temper..I deal will things very positive and she doesnt..shes always mrs negative nancy and I see that she is miserable and she doesnt talk about her feelings with me at all. I suggested she go to a therapist so she can be happy with herself..she never went. Her way of dealing with issues is forgetting them)

So after she said she was unhappy I new there was something motivating this because she never does this. So I start digging into the call records and I find she is talking a friend that I grew up with and have over my house on the weekends and comes on a couple trips with us as he doesnt have much family. I see tons of texts and calls late at night so I confronted her. And eventually she tells me she has feeling for him (blow to the heart) First I am mad then as the man that loves her says we can get through this. She says she wants to work it out and I try and get through the pain of her have feelings for another man. I said she needs to stop the communication with him immediately and she agreed. I also text him and said what he was doing was wrong and that when she told him she had feelings he should have cut it off right there. But nope he plays along and sucks her in by saying he feels the same. 

So over the next few days Im really pushing the fact that we need to talk about things and she just gets angry and says she doesnt want to. Found another message 2 days later and she said she sent it when she was drunk..haha..so that means its ok. At this point I was being really pushy with her and try and get her to talk and realized after reading these threads she needs space and to let her discuss on her own. So I told her this and said I will be here when your ready to talk. Over the next 5 days She continues to totally ignore me...she comes home and I had dinner on the table for her. She goes in the shower and I looked through her phone and that morning she sent a text to her friend that she was going to OM's house tomorrow and I went into shock. She got out of the shower and I immediately confronted her and said I wanted a divorce that I coulnt take it anymore. So she decides to go downstairs and cry all night..I didnt feel bad at all..why should I? So we wake up we dont talk..just a few words...I went to work totally not focused and call her moms house where she was going for the day and asked to talked to my wife.." She went out shopping and to dinner with a friend" her friend. This is what she told me she was doing before I found the text. So even after I caught her she still acted...and I know for sure cause I tracked her phone(I work for company so Im able to do that)

So I tell her Parents the whole situation casue I wanted them to know I tries my hardest and that I love them. They were upset and angry. I asked them when she got back to tell her she needs to stay there til I figure out what to do. Shes ends up popping into the house and I couldnt even look at her. 

So all I did was tell her its over and she just kept saying Im not letting you go like this. Im gonna work this out...Now she is in begging mode telling me lets work this out.. I need our family..its just making me disgusted whenever she speaks...cause shes selfish and is comfortable with me...I need some support on how I can hold my ground with this...All I do is feel bad for her..how can I handle this?

I know my post is all over the place so if you need more details or are a little lost please just ask..thanks for your support


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## DavidWYoung

I am not sure what the question is. You seam to have a good handle on yourself. You understand that your wife is a cheat and can not be trusted to tell the truth.What state do you live in? Can you speak to a lawyer and get some information? Sorry that you are here, it does seem to be a very large club. As I think about it, I have laughed more here in the forum than I ever did with my ExWife.Keep us posted. David


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## mvarney

Im just at the point where Im telling her its over and shes just saying she wants to work on it and that she knows we can make this work...and that Im gonn a throw 5 years down the drain..it hurts me to hear this and its tough to stand my ground and say enoughs enough...shes needs to learn the hard way and its really tough..but I cant be a doormat and be her fall back...I guess Im just looking for on ways to hold my ground and whats worked for others..Thanks again for the supoort


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## mvarney

I live in Massachusetts


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## sweaty teddy

she will always be a cheat .....with your friend......don't need friends like that. time to kick his a$$ and send her packing.


no keep your cool don't want to jepordise your parental rights. 

see a lawyer have papers drawn up for divorce give them to her. even if you want to try to save it make her prove to you she really wants to work on it. but showing her some divorce papers means your totaly serious. then no contact and if she breaks this at all file the papers.


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## MattMatt

OK, so you named your employer and two other people involved. You might like to edit those details out.


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## Kasler

Tell her to move out, and if she tries that work out crap then toss her sh!t on the lawn, and call her parents to come pick her up.


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## mvarney

Just edited..thanks..didnt even realize it


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## MattMatt

mvarney said:


> Just edited..thanks..didnt even realize it


No probs! Just happy to be able to help.

Is there any way your marriage can be saved? Counselling?


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## A++

mvarney, you are still young..

Do yourself a huge favor, move on and find someone worthy of you as well as respects you.

Good luck


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## costa200

Funny how they suddenly realize they "love" their husband when they are about to get kicked to the curb...


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## Kasler

MattMatt said:


> No probs! Just happy to be able to help.
> 
> Is there any way your marriage can be saved? Counselling?


No, he shouldn't do counseling at this juncture. 

Hes already showed her enough weakness at this juncture, and look where it got him.

He confronted, she denied, and then even after knowing he knew she still went out and banged OM anyways.

Counseling after that is BS and will only give her more entitled wayward fog with her consciously or unconsciously thinking "I got away with it."

Kick her ass out for a good length of some time at the very least, gotta be consequences, unless you want to be going through this sh!t again in the future that is.

If you want her to have another affair in the future, act soft, beg and plead with her, and schedule counseling for her if you want to repeat this.


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## MattMatt

Kasler said:


> No, he shouldn't do counseling at this juncture.
> 
> Hes already showed her enough weakness at this juncture, and look where it got him.
> 
> He confronted, she denied, and then even after knowing he knew she still went out and banged OM anyways.
> 
> Counseling after that is BS and will only give her more entitled wayward fog with her consciously or unconsciously thinking "I got away with it."
> 
> Kick her ass out for a good length of some time at the very least, gotta be consequences, unless you want to be going through this sh!t again in the future that is.
> 
> If you want her to have another affair in the future, act soft, beg and plead with her, and schedule counseling for her if you want to repeat this.


This depends, of course, on how good the counsellor is, to an extent.


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## walkonmars

Things don't look good at all. You've been married for only 5 years. You're just getting started. 
What she wants you to do right now is to 'forget it and get past it' to go on as if it's just a little hiccup in the marriage. 

Mvarney, it NOT a small thing. If you're going to remained married to this woman things have to change. And change in a big way. 

By all means see a lawyer and find out what your rights and responsibilities are. I'm afraid you're not going to like what you hear - but at least you'll know. Let her parents know you're seeing a lawyer but don't discuss anything else with them. 

Let this be a lesson for your future. NEVER let a single male friend be around your wife. Her single female friends should be limited to family and co-workers. 

It's good that you share cooking duties - but don't become the 'homemaker' duties should be shared. As of now - and until the issue is settled, cook only for yourself and your child. She can cook for herself (if you let her come back to the house - but legally you can't keep her out). 

Where is your child staying during these troubled times?

If you decide to work it out with her - begin by asking her what she intends to do to ensure she remains faithful. She should mention counseling for herself. Don't attend marriage counseling until you're sure the OM is out of the picture and she is "over him". Unfortunately it's going to take a huge shock to her life to get her to move away from him. The things you're doing now are helpful - don't let up.


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## mvarney

At this point I dont believe councelling will work but who knows we have never been..I come from a rough past and have been through alot so Ive learned how to enjoy life and the smalls things it offers...She comes from a household where she was coddled and everything was done for her. Same goes for our living situation...I am the one who cooks cleans and handles all the responsibilities...Ive just learned to live with that...it doesnt bother me that I have to do it. She shows no appreciation but **** has to get done so I do it..Im just used to it I guess. So now that Ive told her to leave she is looking at the big picture on everything that she will lose besides me. We have never been apart since our relationship started becasue of something like this so its tough for me as well so I have to be firm and hold my ground. Its really hard but I have to do it. But now she has the freedom to do whatever and the wondering I will be doing is gonna make me go crazy. I just feel like im dragging on the innevitable If I decide to try and make it work AGAIN!


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## CH

If you take her back, IF, kick her off that pedestal she's on. Time for the princess to learn how to scrub the floors too.


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## warlock07

She was cheating on you physically. yes, they had sex. How long? You don't know but she also exposed you to all your ex friend sexual partners too. So, get tested for STDs.

Tell her that she needs to confess everything to be even civil with her. 
After she comes clean, confront you (ex)friend before she can contact him to verify the stories.

If you don't have kids, file for divorce and kick her out. The repeated cheating is not worth it if there are no kids. She is not emotionally ready or mature enough for a commitment like a marriage.


> Now she is in begging mode telling me lets work this out.. I need our famil


She will start cheating again once you get comfortable again. Your wife is a princess and a drama queen


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## EleGirl

I'd like to clarify.. you don't have children, right?


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## warlock07

mvarney said:


> At this point I dont believe councelling will work but who knows we have never been..I come from a rough past and have been through alot so Ive learned how to enjoy life and the smalls things it offers...She comes from a household where she was coddled and everything was done for her. Same goes for our living situation...I am the one who cooks cleans and handles all the responsibilities...Ive just learned to live with that...it doesnt bother me that I have to do it. She shows no appreciation but **** has to get done so I do it..Im just used to it I guess. So now that Ive told her to leave she is looking at the big picture on everything that she will lose besides me. We have never been apart since our relationship started becasue of something like this so its tough for me as well so I have to be firm and hold my ground. Its really hard but I have to do it. But now she has the freedom to do whatever and the wondering I will be doing is gonna make me go crazy. I just feel like im dragging on the innevitable If I decide to try and make it work AGAIN!


If you end up reconciling there is a lot you need to do.(Please don't). There is so many wrongs in this relationship. If the dynamic does not change she will for sure cheat again.

What does she actually do in the relationship ?


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## Kasler

EleGirl said:


> I'd like to clarify.. you don't have children, right?


*"So My wife is 23 and Im 27. We have a 3 year old daughter who is my life."*


2nd sentence.


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## jnj express

the only reason she came around was that you put D, on the table, and all of a sudden disneyland, became reality

If for whatever reason, you stay---you HAVE to be HARD, about how you handle this---if you allow her to stay, and she percieves you handled this in a weak, easy manner---SHE WILL CHEAT AGAIN, and think nothing of it, as she already knows you will do nothing

Her nice cushy life needs to end---if she is a SAHM---she DOES all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, and takes care of the child----that is a given, and doesn't even get discussed

She needs to find hobbies, or things to occupy her---NOT OTHER MEN, in fact she is to have NO relations with other men, AT ALL.

She needs to spend all her time with her family---you and the child----and in all actuality---she could get a part time job in a year or so

If you give her the 2nd chance---you set up boundaries---with ACTIONABLE CONSEQUENCES, not words---actions---she understand--there is no privacy in a mge---you can look at anything anytime----she plays this game by your rules-----

The other thing is you two will need to spend, at least 30 min., at least four nites a week, talking about the mge, and how things are going---that way there will be no surprises

Make her sign---a POST--NUP

If she does not agree to all of this---D., will be filed.


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## Acabado

mvarney said:


> She comes from a household where *she was coddled and everything was done for her*. Same goes for our living situation...*I am the one who cooks cleans and handles all the responsibilities...Ive just learned to live with that...it doesnt bother me that I have to do it*. She shows no appreciation but **** has to get done so I do it..*Im just used to it I guess*. So now that Ive told her to leave she is looking at the big picture on everything that she will lose besides me.


Another lazy, entitled princess. And you another nice guy who enabled her. Stop being like this. Stop cooking for her, doing her laundry... do nothing for her. Just stop. Focus on you and your kid.

Talk to a lawyer yesterday, cut finances, protect yourself.
Then protect yourself emotionally (read the 180).
Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this 
The Healing Heart: The 180
No More Mr Nice Guy

I can garantee you she's f0cking this allegued friend from a very long time. The moment she felt entitled to tell you she had "feelings" she was of course banging him for a while already. They gaslighted you. Make some snooping and you will find out.

Now... given you have a young kid nad asuming if it's not an immediate dealbreaker and you want yo wait for a while before making the ultimate decision you need to manage things better. Be very firm, make your demands, non negotiable boundaires to stop you to file asap.
NC letter
Complete transparence on comunication devices and whereabouts
Full disclosure, to your satisfaction.
STD test
Getting rid of enabler friends.
IC for her.

Put the ball in her court. It's up to her to fix this. Tell her to get advice on her own. Many things need to change. She's a lazy entitled princess. This must change. For good. And you must change too.

On her back start making serious snooping, to find out the real extent of this scapade, to monitor and verify the NC, to be sure they don't go underground. Keylogg the PC, spyware on the phone, GPS, VARs.

Sorry man


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## mvarney

walkonmars said:


> Things don't look good at all. You've been married for only 5 years. You're just getting started.
> What she wants you to do right now is to 'forget it and get past it' to go on as if it's just a little hiccup in the marriage.
> 
> Mvarney, it NOT a small thing. If you're going to remained married to this woman things have to change. And change in a big way.
> 
> By all means see a lawyer and find out what your rights and responsibilities are. I'm afraid you're not going to like what you hear - but at least you'll know. Let her parents know you're seeing a lawyer but don't discuss anything else with them.
> 
> Let this be a lesson for your future. NEVER let a single male friend be around your wife. Her single female friends should be limited to family and co-workers.
> 
> It's good that you share cooking duties - but don't become the 'homemaker' duties should be shared. As of now - and until the issue is settled, cook only for yourself and your child. She can cook for herself (if you let her come back to the house - but legally you can't keep her out).
> 
> Where is your child staying during these troubled times?
> 
> If you decide to work it out with her - begin by asking her what she intends to do to ensure she remains faithful. She should mention counseling for herself. Don't attend marriage counseling until you're sure the OM is out of the picture and she is "over him". Unfortunately it's going to take a huge shock to her life to get her to move away from him. The things you're doing now are helpful - don't let up.


Both my wife and child are at her mothers house. Im staying strong ass possible..Im meeting up with her on Sunday and take my daughter for a few nights...Even though its her house to I told her to leave casue I have no where to go...she has her parents..all my family is in another state..she understands for now (hasnt even been 24 hours) thanks for the advice and trust me if she gets another chance she will have to totally change her outlook on life and our marriage. I know I can do better but giving up is hard...I know I will be happy eventually..Thanks for the support


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## mvarney

EleGirl said:


> I'd like to clarify.. you don't have children, right?


I do have a 3 year old daughter...and trust me if I didnt she would have been gone along time ago!!


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## mvarney

warlock07 said:


> If you end up reconciling there is a lot you need to do.(Please don't). There is so many wrongs in this relationship. If the dynamic does not change she will for sure cheat again.
> 
> What does she actually do in the relationship ?


Honestly not much..she still works and provides financially and shes a wonderful mother...but provides little support for me emotionally..shes selfish..but I love her...that little and mean little party of me feels she can turn it around but I dont think it will happen


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## Cold_World

Sorry your here bro.

She is an adult making her decisions, you need to be on the same plane. don't react to her actions make your own. Take control of the situation.

stay strong, her actions don't reflect your manhood. don't let her bring you down or make you feel crazy. From what your saying you are the the whole relationship.

You have not lost 5 years of your life. You have your kid and experience to show. if anything consider your self lucky, you could have found out 15 years later. take it as a life lesson and and fight through it. You sound like a fighter.

you have done nothing to be ashamed off. She cheated not you.
keep your head up and take charge knowing you did right by your kid.


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## The Cro-Magnon

What a great friend OP has.

I wonder how long they give you for castrating someone, or administering a full penectomy....


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## JCD

mvarney said:


> I live in Massachusetts


WOW! Now I'm REALLY sorry for you.


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## warlock07

mvarney said:


> Honestly not much..she still works and provides financially and shes a wonderful mother...but provides little support for me emotionally..shes selfish..but I love her...that little and mean little party of me feels she can turn it around but I dont think it will happen


So you think you enabled her behavior ?


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## See_Listen_Love

mvarney said:


> ..how can I handle this?
> 
> I know my post is all over the place so if you need more details or are a little lost please just ask..thanks for your support


Hi, you did quite OK I think. 

Just maintain a strong face towards her, don't let her see your weaknesses. That is the best chance for her coming out of the fog, If she really shows remorse, later on, give your terms for reconciliation. 

Good luck,


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## alte Dame

What blows my mind is that she actually went ahead and met with the OM after you busted her. People have been calling her entitled, but I don't think that begins to describe the nerve she has to do that and then come home crying to you. That's very cold.

If it weren't for your daughter, I would say that she should be divorced as of yesterday. This is very hard. Very hard & I'm sorry. I agree with the poster above that they've been sleeping together for a while. Sorry.


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## MattMatt

alte Dame said:


> What blows my mind is that she actually went ahead and met with the OM after you busted her. People have been calling her entitled, but I don't think that begins to describe the nerve she has to do that and then come home crying to you. That's very cold.
> 
> If it weren't for your daughter, I would say that she should be divorced as of yesterday. This is very hard. Very hard & I'm sorry. I agree with the poster above that they've been sleeping together for a while. Sorry.


You will need a DNA test on your daughter. Sorry, but, well, that's what I think.


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## Shaggy

Does she work? If not cut off her princess phone that she's using to cheat on you. Also stop giving her money immediately.

As for the guy she is cheating with, you need to personally notify your friends about how he has betrayed you. Exposé him and your cheating wife to them.

You probably fear this will drive her away, but that fact is she already is gone. She already went and had sex with him, likely numerous times, but most importantly after you confronted her. She knew you knew and she still went to him.

Exposé both of them as the remorseless cheaters they are wide and far, post the OM on cheaterville.com so others can know in the future that he is the kind of guy to go after a married mom and break up a family.

Basically you need to go nuclear and bestroy the affair.

When it is good a done you can then think if you want to give her another chance. If you do, it's time to stop being her domestic slave and require her to actually put in work to the marriage and the home. If she is a stay at hone mom, that job includes laundry, most of the cooking, and the cleaning.


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## Shaggy

MattMatt said:


> You will need a DNA test on your daughter. Sorry, but, well, that's what I think.


Yes, this. Because its clear from your wife's reaction to bring caught cheating that she has zero remorse about cheating on you. It's very possible this isn't the first guy, and that you've gotten put on the hook raising one of your wife's flings offspring.


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## FryFish

Ya dude... Get a DNA test... Let your "wife" know you are doing it too.


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## mvarney

Cold_World said:


> Sorry your here bro.
> 
> She is an adult making her decisions, you need to be on the same plane. don't react to her actions make your own. Take control of the situation.
> 
> stay strong, her actions don't reflect your manhood. don't let her bring you down or make you feel crazy. From what your saying you are the the whole relationship.
> 
> You have not lost 5 years of your life. You have your kid and experience to show. if anything consider your self lucky, you could have found out 15 years later. take it as a life lesson and and fight through it. You sound like a fighter.
> 
> you have done nothing to be ashamed off. She cheated not you.
> keep your head up and take charge knowing you did right by your kid.


That meant alot...I just have to stay strong and I will be happy again..I have my daughter and that's all that matters...if she don't come around ill be prepared on what I have to do..thanks again for you words


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## mvarney

warlock07 said:


> So you think you enabled her behavior ?


To a degree..but if she was an adult I wouldn't have had to..I guess it lesson learned..time to move on


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## mvarney

2asdf2 said:


> Do you know the full extent of the affair? (subject to trickle-truth and denial?
> 
> Are you able to see all phone, text, email, chat, f'book, etc. traffic?
> 
> Your earlier posts gave me the feeling that you'd really reconcile. Is that so?


I don't know the full extent but I'm very sure...can't prove the physical but that's not the full reason for all of this...this has happened more than once and I show weakness cause I care..not no more...I'm holding my ground and letting her know I will let her go...and it's probably going to happen as she has too much to change...this will help her in the long run...


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## mvarney

alte Dame said:


> What blows my mind is that she actually went ahead and met with the OM after you busted her. People have been calling her entitled, but I don't think that begins to describe the nerve she has to do that and then come home crying to you. That's very cold.
> 
> If it weren't for your daughter, I would say that she should be divorced as of yesterday. This is very hard. Very hard & I'm sorry. I agree with the poster above that they've been sleeping together for a while. Sorry.


Thank you...you hit the nail right on the head..I appreciate your input and support..


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## mvarney

MattMatt said:


> You will need a DNA test on your daughter. Sorry, but, well, that's what I think.


I can see why you might think that by the little info you are going with but I know my daughter is mine..I might care but I'm not stupid...figured you might see that by my posts..thanks for the input


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## walkonmars

mvarney said:


> I don't know the full extent but I'm very sure...can't prove the physical but that's not the full reason for all of this...this has happened more than once and I show weakness cause I care..not no more...I'm holding my ground and letting her know I will let her go...and it's probably going to happen as she has too much to change...this will help her in the long run...


It's refreshing to see a BH take control of his life. You gave it a shot and gave her an undeserved chance - she blew it.

Too many other BH keep grasping at the vapor of a failed marriage until their nads shrink so much they could run for congress.


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## aug

She's 23. Married for 2 years. A 3-year old daughter that may or may not be yours ('cause you dont know till the paternity test is done).

She got pregnant at 19? By you?

You are way too young and early in a marriage for this type of unfaithfulness to happen. If you stay with her, the next few decades of your life, you'll be living in uncertainty, suspicions and self-doubt.

She has shown her traits, her lack of inner beauty and morals. These issues can not be changed overnight. It'll take decades to reprogram the imprinting and constant work on her part to do so. So far it does not look like it's in her character to do the work.

What's worse is that she's cheating right in your face, with your friend. What are you going to do in the future? Have no friends? 

Way too much sh!t to carry for the next 50+ years. 

And you'll get tried of all this when you get older. And when you do, life is no fun anymore.


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## BjornFree

This is why its best to not get married till you're thirty. You need to leave, otherwise you're likely to spend the next 10 years trying to let go of what happened only to find out that she's doing it again with someone else.

Oh and get a paternity test done.

You don't have to deal with this kind of sh!t when you're 27. Divorce, quick and easy.

In the next decade you'll have built up your fortune considerably, don't want to waste half of that on a cheating wife, do you?


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## Malaise

JCD said:


> WOW! Now I'm REALLY sorry for you.


Yeah, me too...


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## Acabado

More readings
The Man Up and Nice Guy Reference
marduk's Man Up real life story
What NOT to do
Boundaries
Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights


mvarney said:


> I don't know the full extent but I'm very sure...can't prove the physical but that's not the full reason for all of this...*this has happened more than once* and I show weakness cause I care..not no more...


This, along with her entitlement (narcissism) is another reason to DNA your kid, even you are sure he's yours. It will send her the right message.


mvarney said:


> I'm holding my ground and letting her know I will let her go...and it's probably going to happen as she has too much to change...this will help her in the long run...


Right attitude.
Just Let Them Go


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## DedicatedDad

costa200 said:


> Funny how they suddenly realize they "love" their husband when they are about to get kicked to the curb...


I would like to nominate this as QUOTE OF THE MONTH!!!


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## the guy

DedicatedDad said:


> I would like to nominate this as QUOTE OF THE MONTH!!!


I second that


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## the guy

Sorry for the pain brother.

Sorry your wife can not affair proof her marriage. It happened once before now it happened again...it will happen in the future, thats just how she is wired.

I'm sure she had her chance to learn the tools to affair proof her marriage but she didn't so now you are here...so very very sorry.


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## mvarney

2asdf2 said:


> Do you know the full extent of the affair? (subject to trickle-truth and denial?
> 
> Are you able to see all phone, text, email, chat, f'book, etc. traffic?
> 
> Your earlier posts gave me the feeling that you'd really reconcile. Is that so?


Reconciling is possible but she would have to change everything...Shes not strong enough or willing...She just cant accept that she loves someone else besause of her selfish needs...I am letting her go be happy and taking the civil approach. Im the strong one here...Ill be happy again..just will take some time


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## mvarney

Acabado said:


> Another lazy, entitled princess. And you another nice guy who enabled her. Stop being like this. Stop cooking for her, doing her laundry... do nothing for her. Just stop. Focus on you and your kid.
> 
> Talk to a lawyer yesterday, cut finances, protect yourself.
> Then protect yourself emotionally (read the 180).
> Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this
> The Healing Heart: The 180
> No More Mr Nice Guy
> 
> I can garantee you she's f0cking this allegued friend from a very long time. The moment she felt entitled to tell you she had "feelings" she was of course banging him for a while already. They gaslighted you. Make some snooping and you will find out.
> 
> Now... given you have a young kid nad asuming if it's not an immediate dealbreaker and you want yo wait for a while before making the ultimate decision you need to manage things better. Be very firm, make your demands, non negotiable boundaires to stop you to file asap.
> NC letter
> Complete transparence on comunication devices and whereabouts
> Full disclosure, to your satisfaction.
> STD test
> Getting rid of enabler friends.
> IC for her.
> 
> Put the ball in her court. It's up to her to fix this. Tell her to get advice on her own. Many things need to change. She's a lazy entitled princess. This must change. For good. And you must change too.
> 
> On her back start making serious snooping, to find out the real extent of this scapade, to monitor and verify the NC, to be sure they don't go underground. Keylogg the PC, spyware on the phone, GPS, VARs.
> 
> Sorry man


I dont even care enough to do all those things...like people have been saying..Im still young..if I dont get out now its just gonna happens again...thanks for the advice..Im just gonn a stay seperated until she says screw it..lets get the process started!! I have no problem holding my ground when she cries to me and begs for me back...I look at her in disgust and its getting easier by the day (and its only been 3) so in a week im sure ill be looking forward to getting back into the real world and meeting positive people and taking care of my daughter..thanks again!


----------



## EleGirl

mvarney said:


> I dont even care enough to do all those things...like people have been saying..Im still young..if I dont get out now its just gonna happens again...thanks for the advice..Im just gonn a stay seperated until she says screw it..lets get the process started!! I have no problem holding my ground when she cries to me and begs for me back...I look at her in disgust and its getting easier by the day (and its only been 3) so in a week im sure ill be looking forward to getting back into the real world and meeting positive people and taking care of my daughter..thanks again!


If this is your plan, you should see an attorney and/or research your state's family/divorce law as soon as possible. There are things you can do now to protect yourself.

For example do you have joint accounts? If you do, open accounts in your own name now and move half of all money into your name. If your pay check is auto deposited to a joint account, change it to go to the account in your name. With some employers this can take two or more months.

If you are giving her any money make sure it's no more than what the state would order in child support. She can ask the court that you continue to give her money at the level she's had all along.

This is just one example of what you can do. Get a plan and work it.


----------



## mvarney

EleGirl said:


> If this is your plan, you should see an attorney and/or research your state's family/divorce law as soon as possible. There are things you can do now to protect yourself.
> 
> For example do you have joint accounts? If you do, open accounts in your own name now and move half of all money into your name. If your pay check is auto deposited to a joint account, change it to go to the account in your name. With some employers this can take two or more months.
> 
> If you are giving her any money make sure it's no more than what the state would order in child support. She can ask the court that you continue to give her money at the level she's had all along.
> 
> This is just one example of what you can do. Get a plan and work it.


Thanks for the advice..I will definately look into it...the good thing I must say is that we dont have savings..we are a young couple who have high taste..we make ends meet but live pay check to paycheck...her parents are on my side on this one and shes daddies little so he will be paying for the attorney...Im already ok with just taking things I need and letting her have the house..we have an interest only loan as this was a only a temp move so there is no equity in our house...I have a business thats in my mothers name and I manage so Im safe here...already looked into that...also I have evidence of cheating that I would only use if she wanted to try and get nasty...I want to deal with this civally as possible as long as she is willing to when she knows Im not coming back...She knows Im a great father and I cant see her trying to pull her away but obviously I am ready for anything..once again thanks for the support!


----------



## EleGirl

I don't know what state you live in so some of the following might differ a bit in your state, but....

One thing to consider is that in many states any debt she makes is also yours. So it's divided 50/50 at divorce. At this point you have no idea what she will do. She's in selfish mode. The chances of her driving up a lot of credit card debt is pretty good. So filing soon is wise.

Or check to see what the laws in your state are about separation. For example in California the day a person says that they want a divorce is the date of separation even if they continue to live together.

My SIL old my brother that she wanted a divorce on 6/1/2010. He did not move out until 10/8/2010. She tried to use the later date for the date of separation because it was financially beneficial to her. He had emails form her starting on 6/1/2010 showing that she told him that she would file for divorce. The court decided that the 6/1/2010 date held. He got a better settlement because of it.. for example she was not able to have him take 50% of a large debt she made between the two dates. He also got credit for all of the community funds she used during that time.

Her father might pay for the attorney but don't be too surprised if she asks the court to have you pay her attorney fees. She can put down that her dad gave her a loan but that she has to pay him back. My SIL did the same thing. 

Knowledge is your friend


----------



## EleGirl

Another point I forgot to mention. Many states are now no-fault. Adulty does not affect divorce in many states.

Also in many states if you can both agree on the terms of the divorce it's a fee of $135 and takes 24 hrs for the judge to sign. I got a divorce (IN New Mexico) in March. That's all it took cause he signed the papers in agreement. I drew them up myself.


----------



## mvarney

EleGirl said:


> I don't know what state you live in so some of the following might differ a bit in your state, but....
> 
> One thing to consider is that in many states any debt she makes is also yours. So it's divided 50/50 at divorce. At this point you have no idea what she will do. She's in selfish mode. The chances of her driving up a lot of credit card debt is pretty good. So filing soon is wise.
> 
> Or check to see what the laws in your state are about separation. For example in California the day a person says that they want a divorce is the date of separation even if they continue to live together.
> 
> My SIL old my brother that she wanted a divorce on 6/1/2010. He did not move out until 10/8/2010. She tried to use the later date for the date of separation because it was financially beneficial to her. He had emails form her starting on 6/1/2010 showing that she told him that she would file for divorce. The court decided that the 6/1/2010 date held. He got a better settlement because of it.. for example she was not able to have him take 50% of a large debt she made between the two dates. He also got credit for all of the community funds she used during that time.
> 
> Her father might pay for the attorney but don't be too surprised if she asks the court to have you pay her attorney fees. She can put down that her dad gave her a loan but that she has to pay him back. My SIL did the same thing.
> 
> Knowledge is your friend


thanks for the input...im gonna speak to a lawyer early next week...hosnestly I wouldnt mind dropping some cash to end this...i can always get money back but not my sanity


----------



## Chaparral

go to dadsdivorce.com


----------



## mvarney

So heres a little update on how things are going....if you read my entire thread you would no that my wife cheated with my long term friend...well a few months back while my wife was at her parents this friend and I went out to the bar and met up with a couple friends at the bar. One being a girl that works in the same building as me. Well my friend that is now cheating with my wife decides to tell her that we went out to the bar and met up with this female. All we did was have a couple drinks and we went on our way. Well now my wife is totally flipping the script and now calling me a cheater and telling me I cheated 6 months ago with this female which never happened. She said she was going to prove that I went to the bar with this female...so I told her to call me and I told her exactly what happened and of course didnt believe that. Now she is calling me the cheater and totalling putting the blame on me. I know I should have been honest with her in the beginning about going to the bar but shes not the easiest to understand that I need to go out with friends as well. Either way I was wrong and theres no justification so Ill stop here with that. 

And she is now trying to kick me out of the house. This sh*t is crazy!! just venting


----------



## tom67

No she's gaslighting let her move back in with mom and dad.


----------



## mvarney

tom67 said:


> No she's gaslighting let her move back in with mom and dad.


Shes not going to mom and dads...shes going to OM house!! so disgusting...keeping sane is tough right now...thats for sure!


----------



## SadSamIAm

mvarney said:


> So heres a little update on how things are going....if you read my entire thread you would no that my wife cheated with my long term friend...well a few months back while my wife was at her parents this friend and I went out to the bar and met up with a couple friends at the bar. One being a girl that works in the same building as me. Well my friend that is now cheating with my wife decides to tell her that we went out to the bar and met up with this female. All we did was have a couple drinks and we went on our way. Well now my wife is totally flipping the script and now calling me a cheater and telling me I cheated 6 months ago with this female which never happened. She said she was going to prove that I went to the bar with this female...so I told her to call me and I told her exactly what happened and of course didnt believe that. Now she is calling me the cheater and totalling putting the blame on me. I know I should have been honest with her in the beginning about going to the bar but shes not the easiest to understand that I need to go out with friends as well. Either way I was wrong and theres no justification so Ill stop here with that.
> 
> And she is now trying to kick me out of the house. This sh*t is crazy!! just venting


What does all this matter. You guys are divorcing. Who cares what she is saying as long as you know the truth. Make sure you tell her parents the truth.

This friend of yours is a great guy ..... Not!


----------



## cantthinkstraight

mvarney said:


> Im just at the point where Im telling her its over and shes just saying she wants to work on it and that she knows we can make this work...and that Im gonn a throw 5 years down the drain..it hurts me to hear this and its tough to stand my ground and say enoughs enough...shes needs to learn the hard way and its really tough..but I cant be a doormat and be her fall back...I guess Im just looking for on ways to hold my ground and whats worked for others..Thanks again for the supoort


Not to sound cold, but 5 years is nothing.
Trade the 5 years in for a happier and less stressful rest of your life.

You don't deserve this treatment.


----------



## MattMatt

mvarney said:


> I can see why you might think that by the little info you are going with but I know my daughter is mine..I might care but I'm not stupid...figured you might see that by my posts..thanks for the input


Thanks. I take your point. But that doesn't mean that you should not get a DNA test done on your daughter and an STD test done on yourself.

*Not because you think your daughter is not your own, or that you think you wife has given you an STD but to show your wife that this is where her bad behaviour has brought your marriage. That you cannot trust that she hasn't got a history of being unfaithful and that you cannot trust her not to have brought an STD test back to you from an affair partner with an STD.*


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

mvarney said:


> I am the one who cooks cleans and handles all the responsibilities...Ive just learned to live with that...it doesnt bother me that I have to do it. She shows no appreciation but **** has to get done so I do it..Im just used to it I guess.


Cut this crap out! If you divorce and remarry don't ever ever ever become the maid in the relationship. I'm speaking from experience. I spent four hours a week cleaning the house for twenty years and it went unappreciated. Yes, her girlfriends were envious and thought that I was a great catch but she never respected the work that I did at home. I did all this, in addition to bringing home a six-figure salary and allowing her butt to be a stay-at-home mom for eleven years.

Remember:

YOU DON'T GET LAID BEING THE MAID!


----------



## mvarney

MattMatt said:


> Thanks. I take your point. But that doesn't mean that you should not get a DNA test done on your daughter and an STD test done on yourself.
> 
> *Not because you think your daughter is not your own, or that you think you wife has given you an STD but to show your wife that this is where her bad behaviour has brought your marriage. That you cannot trust that she hasn't got a history of being unfaithful and that you cannot trust her not to have brought an STD test back to you from an affair partner with an STD.*


I agree....but we are done..shes not willing to stop talking to this OM...if something happens..i will be sure to get it done


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Your wife isn't worth your time or energy. She will always lie and cheat on you. I was married at your age. My ex h cheated and cheated and cheated. After 2 years and finally solid proof I immediately left. He begged me to stay and promised to change. We also had a child together. I filed for divorce. 5 years later I met the most wonderful man and we have been married nearly 13 years. My ex h 18 years after our divorce still cheats on his current wife.:/

Your better off without her and file for divorce. Your wife is only using you and I'm really very sorry.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

JCD said:


> WOW! Now I'm REALLY sorry for you.


Isn't Massachusetts one of those states that have lifetime alimony? Thank your lucky stars that you found out about her cheating ways now before your marriage became long term.


----------



## TRy

mvarney said:


> Shes not going to mom and dads...shes going to OM house!! so disgusting...keeping sane is tough right now...thats for sure!


 This is the same other man (OM) that falsely told your wife the you cheated on her 6 months ago. Wow is he playing your wife. He actually convinced her that it is alright that she cheated on you; of course she wanted to be convince. When asked how he was so successful in conning other people, a con man said that it is easy as long as you find people that want to be conned. She wants to believe that you cheated.


----------



## mvarney

TRy said:


> This is the same other man (OM) that falsely told your wife the you cheated on her 6 months ago. Wow is he playing your wife. He actually convinced her that it is alright that she cheated on you; of course she wanted to be convince. When asked how he was so successful in conning other people, a con man said that it is easy as long as you find people that want to be conned. She wants to believe that you cheated.


Its sad to say but your right...and its crazy how Im sitting here believing that I did something wrong...I know I just need to leave her...but these emotions are crazy..one minute Im like screw her Ill be happy..next minute Im like what did I do wrong...then I dont even think about it...


----------



## warlock07

The OM is playing both of you against one another for his own benefit. Wow, a wolf in sheep's clothing. Probably tell her parents so that they look out for her..


----------



## mvarney

warlock07 said:


> The OM is playing both of you against one another for his own benefit. Wow, a wolf in sheep's clothing. Probably tell her parents so that they look out for her..


Her parents kinda pushed her away for what she is doing...they are disgusted by her actions...my big concern now is for my daugter...


----------



## TRy

mvarney said:


> Its sad to say but your right...and its crazy how Im sitting here believing that I did something wrong...I know I just need to leave her...but these emotions are crazy..one minute Im like screw her Ill be happy..next minute Im like what did I do wrong...then I dont even think about it...


 For a cheater any evidence that you the cheated on did wrong (no matter how weak) is good enough to convict you, yet when you confront the cheater with evidence against them they always expect the benefit of the doubt that they do not give you. You cannot win if you play their game because they do not want you to win. Also, cheaters try to hold their spouses to a standard of perfection that they do not hold themselves to. Having a drink with 2 other guys and 1 girl is not at all the same as her ongoing affair; imagine if you had confronted her with similar evidence and only this evidence, she would have laughed in your face as to how weak it was. You have nothing to feel guilty about, so stop the feeling guilty thing right now.


----------



## mvarney

TRy said:


> For a cheater any evidence that you the cheated on did wrong (no matter how weak) is good enough to convict you, yet when you confront the cheater with evidence against them they always expect the benefit of the doubt that they do not give you. You cannot win if you play their game because they do not want you to win. Also, cheaters try to hold their spouses to a standard of perfection that they do not hold themselves to. Having a drink with 2 other guys and 1 girl is not at all the same as her ongoing affair; imagine if you had confronted her with similar evidence and only this evidence, she would have laughed in your face as to how weak it was. You have nothing to feel guilty about, so stop the feeling guilty thing right now.


Makes total sense...I think I just need to print off this whole thread and keep it in my back pocket all the time....cause right when I start reading it I feel better...Thanks for the support TRy


----------



## warlock07

Make sure your friend's circle know about this scumbag friend ?


----------



## mvarney

warlock07 said:


> Make sure your friend's circle know about this scumbag friend ?


Oh they do....I PM'd like 50 through facebook last night...then this morning is when she accused me of cheating with the girl we saw at the bar when I was with my friend the OM.Coincidence huh..


----------



## alte Dame

MV- Your W's rational thinking process is off. She went off and had sex with your friend knowing that you knew, and then thought somehow that she could come home crying and make it OK. This is definitely a very effed up way of thinking. Really. It seriously makes a reasonable person sit up and say WTH.

Don't let her latest brain twister about your drinks at a bar make you doubt yourself. There's no equivalency there. Not in any rational universe.


----------



## tom67

Let her parents and friends know where she is staying. That pos former friend out him to his parents and workplace screw him!


----------



## mvarney

alte Dame said:


> MV- Your W's rational thinking process is off. She went off and had sex with your friend knowing that you knew, and then thought somehow that she could come home crying and make it OK. This is definitely a very effed up way of thinking. Really. It seriously makes a reasonable person sit up and say WTH.
> 
> Don't let her latest brain twister about your drinks at a bar make you doubt yourself. There's no equivalency there. Not in any rational universe.


I believe this is why I dont really cry over the situation...I get disturbed and angry but not really any tears unless shes around. I ask my self how a human being is capable of doing this....she really is a very sick human being and I hope down the road she can find a cure for her disease...and be happy for my daughters sake


----------



## alte Dame

mvarney said:


> I believe this is why I dont really cry over the situation...I get disturbed and angry but not really any tears unless shes around. I ask my self how a human being is capable of doing this....she really is a very sick human being and I hope down the road she can find a cure for her disease...and be happy for my daughters sake


I would seriously worry about her having any kind of custody of your daughter.


----------



## tom67

She needs a court ordered psych evaluation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mvarney

So I come home tonight from work..and as I pull in the driveway the W walks out the door and gets in her car and drives off while our daughter is upstairs...walk into the house and make up all over the bathroom counter and a receipt on the table showing purchases for all new underwear..bras and lingerie....this woman is totally crazy...or should I say child...I really hope she wakes up for our child's sake...I could care less about what she's doing...she's a straight moron....hopefully I can post some positive things real soon...always thanks for the support..without this blog I would be lost


----------



## tom67

I hope finances are separated. It's bad now but it will get better I'm over 2years past dday just takes time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

Collect the new bras and underwear and dump them in the trash on way to work tomorrow.

Oh and clearly she's at OMs house. I think you should start speed dailies his phone and cell phone, and don't forget to post on 
FB a check for your wife


----------



## mvarney

tom67 said:


> I hope finances are separated. It's bad now but it will get better I'm over 2years past dday just takes time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We have no savings..house has no equity...she can have everything besides minor things I need...I'm 29... This is get out of jail free card...my only concern is my child..and the fact I'm gonna have to deal with here when she finally wakes up and smells the coffee!!


----------



## jim123

mvarney said:


> So I come home tonight from work..and as I pull in the driveway the W walks out the door and gets in her car and drives off while our daughter is upstairs...walk into the house and make up all over the bathroom counter and a receipt on the table showing purchases for all new underwear..bras and lingerie....this woman is totally crazy...or should I say child...I really hope she wakes up for our child's sake...I could care less about what she's doing...she's a straight moron....hopefully I can post some positive things real soon...always thanks for the support..without this blog I would be lost


Pack it up for her and throw her out. File the D and be done. Start moving on. Do the 180. You have to file to have control.

She is trying to make it look good for her. Do not let her. Expose to everyone.


----------



## JCD

Shaggy said:


> Collect the new bras and underwear and dump them in the trash on way to work tomorrow.
> 
> Oh and clearly she's at OMs house. I think you should start speed dailies his phone and cell phone, and don't forget to post on
> FB a check for your wife


Nah. Drop them off at her parent's house. Drop her other stuff at his house and let him explain to whomever he is with.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Lowe's sells locks...


----------



## mvarney

Little update...Im doing alot better than I thought....So now that my wife has totally flipped this around on me...she is doing ridiculous things to try and piss me off...not working..180 is in full affect...So I come home last night and she has a bag on the table open...I look inside and its Lingerie she bought for the OM to throw in my face...who cares SICK PATHETIC HUMAN BEING...and too top it off I come down stairs in the moring after sleeping in the spare bedroom and her purse is on the counter wide open and guess whats on top...Emergency Contraceptive...I started laughing that she would bring it to this level and disrespect me....Shes making this easier and easier on me everyday...figured some would get a laugh from this one...I post more comedy as it comes.

For myself I will be moving out to an apartment early January so I wont have to look at this animal anymore..THANK GOD..the end


----------



## MattMatt

mvarney said:


> So heres a little update on how things are going....if you read my entire thread you would no that my wife cheated with my long term friend...well a few months back while my wife was at her parents this friend and I went out to the bar and met up with a couple friends at the bar. One being a girl that works in the same building as me. Well my friend that is now cheating with my wife decides to tell her that we went out to the bar and met up with this female. All we did was have a couple drinks and we went on our way. Well now my wife is totally flipping the script and now calling me a cheater and telling me I cheated 6 months ago with this female which never happened. She said she was going to prove that I went to the bar with this female...so I told her to call me and I told her exactly what happened and of course didnt believe that. Now she is calling me the cheater and totalling putting the blame on me. I know I should have been honest with her in the beginning about going to the bar but shes not the easiest to understand that I need to go out with friends as well. Either way I was wrong and theres no justification so Ill stop here with that.
> 
> And she is now trying to kick me out of the house. This sh*t is crazy!! just venting


Your 'friend' set you up.


----------



## mvarney

MattMatt said:


> Your 'friend' set you up.


Hope he did...Ill message him in a few months and tell him thanks for the get out jail free card 

Im still am upset for my daughters sake but any woman who has a bond with a man and can be that cold..disrespectful..and just plain raunchy..you can have her buddy!!


----------



## JCD

MattMatt said:


> Your 'friend' set you up.


Make it an absolute iron clad part of the Divorce proceedings that having a 'boarder' of any kind who spends an overnight (male or female) will be grounds for the cancellation of something (aliomony, mortgage payments, etc)

Pick a spare room, put a new lock on it, sleep there. Toss out her new lingere. She feels NO sense of loss. She KNOWS she is rubbing your nose in it. Go take a picture of the lingerie and contraceptives and send to her mother. See how she wants her reputation with her MOM to be.

WHEN she complains, tell her "We can do this amicably or not. YOU are choosing to be an absolutely ROTTEN human being to me. YOU are not invulnerable. Think very hard before you want to start the War of the Roses. I would prefer not but I won't live like this."

Than cancel and have the credit cards reissued, some in her name and some in yours. Or better, cancel any JOINT credit cards and remove her name from YOURS. If she wants to spend more than Queen Vickie spent on pies, it's HER debt...and make that clear the first time she comes to you about her credit card being declined.


----------



## mvarney

JCD said:


> Make it an absolute iron clad part of the Divorce proceedings that having a 'boarder' of any kind who spends an overnight (male or female) will be grounds for the cancellation of something (aliomony, mortgage payments, etc)
> 
> Pick a spare room, put a new lock on it, sleep there. Toss out her new lingere. She feels NO sense of loss. She KNOWS she is rubbing your nose in it. Go take a picture of the lingerie and contraceptives and send to her mother. See how she wants her reputation with her MOM to be.
> 
> WHEN she complains, tell her "We can do this amicably or not. YOU are choosing to be an absolutely ROTTEN human being to me. YOU are not invulnerable. Think very hard before you want to start the War of the Roses. I would prefer not but I won't live like this."
> 
> Than cancel and have the credit cards reissued, some in her name and some in yours. Or better, cancel any JOINT credit cards and remove her name from YOURS. If she wants to spend more than Queen Vickie spent on pies, it's HER debt...and make that clear the first time she comes to you about her credit card being declined.


We have never had joint anything..we got married fairly young so this marriage is not your standard streotype of a marriage...She doesnt want my debt and I dont want hers..she happy with going joint custody..when she wakes from this childish fantasy..reality will smack her in the face and she will be lost..and I guarantee it..and so dont her parents!!


----------



## Malaise

You will be well rid of her.


----------



## 3putt

mvarney, if this has been covered then I apologize. You need to start a journal time-lining everything your WW does. Include dates and times of events, durations, lingerie purchases, birth control, time away from her child; anything she does that is true and accurate. Don't embellish one bit (me thinks you won't have to). Judges love good documentation as it shows responsibility and WILL help you when custody decisions are rendered. Start as far back as you can remember as well and go from there.

Sorry you're having to deal with this.


----------



## warlock07

Don't let her instigate you into doing something stupid. Ignore her. Don't engage her. She will soon start escalating stuff to get some reaction out of you. The contraceptives and the lingerie are just a start.


----------



## EleGirl

mvarney said:


> We have never had joint anything..we got married fairly young so this marriage is not your standard streotype of a marriage...She doesnt want my debt and I dont want hers..she happy with going joint custody..when she wakes from this childish fantasy..reality will smack her in the face and she will be lost..and I guarantee it..and so dont her parents!!


In most states it does not matter if you did not have joint anything. She can still as the court to divide all assets and liabilities (yours+hers) 50/50.


----------



## MattMatt

mvarney said:


> Hope he did...Ill message him in a few months and tell him thanks for the get out jail free card
> 
> Im still am upset for my daughters sake but any woman who has a bond with a man and can be that cold..disrespectful..and just plain raunchy..you can have her buddy!!


Not good. He set you up in order to give your wife ammunition against you.


----------



## JCD

3putt said:


> mvarney, if this has been covered then I apologize. You need to start a journal time-lining everything your WW does. Include dates and times of events, durations, lingerie purchases, birth control, time away from her child; anything she does that is true and accurate. Don't embellish one bit (me thinks you won't have to). Judges love good documentation as it shows responsibility and WILL help you when custody decisions are rendered. Start as far back as you can remember as well and go from there.
> 
> Sorry you're having to deal with this.


Pictures.


----------



## MattMatt

I think you should print this off for your wife as "Emergency Contraception":-










Hope nobody is offended by this!


----------



## 3putt

JCD said:


> Pictures.


I would highly encourage this as well.


----------



## happyman64

And throw her and her crap in the guestroom.

Put a sign in the door "Cheaterville".


----------



## mvarney

EleGirl said:


> In most states it does not matter if you did not have joint anything. She can still as the court to divide all assets and liabilities (yours+hers) 50/50.


Well mine are a lot more so split away .. She just young an oblivious to life...she's acting like she's 16 living under daddies roof..when I'm gone and she has to pull out the big boy gloves..mow the lawn..shovel the driveway..maybe it will hit her then..but by that time I will feel bad but be laughing in her face on the inside


----------



## JCD

mvarney said:


> Well mine are a lot more so split away .. She just young an oblivious to life...she's acting like she's 16 living under daddies roof..when I'm gone and she has to pull out the big boy gloves..mow the lawn..shovel the driveway..maybe it will hit her then..but by that time I will feel bad but be laughing in her face on the inside


Don't women always tell us men that suppressing our emotions is harmful?

So be true to your inner voice...


----------



## mvarney

So she messaged me last night in total anger cause Im letting her friends and family know everything she is doing. She states.."STOP TALKING ABOUT ME WITH MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND STAY OUT OF MY LIFE" What you mean the life you started 2 weeks ago...this is the only part that is hard for me right now to understand..its like shes a totally different person...its is unbelievable!


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## PreRaphaelite

mvarney said:


> So she messaged me last night in total anger cause Im letting her friends and family know everything she is doing. She states.."STOP TALKING ABOUT ME WITH MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND STAY OUT OF MY LIFE" What you mean the life you started 2 weeks ago...this is the only part that is hard for me right now to understand..its like shes a totally different person...its is unbelievable!


Send her this message:

/ignore.


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## alte Dame

It must be like the twilight zone to have someone shift personalities so completely in such a short period of time. It sounds very childish, though, like a prolonged tantrum. Does seeing her act out this way help you to break from her emotionally?


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## mvarney

alte Dame said:


> It must be like the twilight zone to have someone shift personalities so completely in such a short period of time. It sounds very childish, though, like a prolonged tantrum. Does seeing her act out this way help you to break from her emotionally?


It definately helps with the emmotion..its the confusion thats effecting me...I feel as if this is a bad dream and Im just awake while its happening...TWILIGHT ZONE describes this the best. She wants me to play the game and Im trying to do the exact opposite. Im trying to be very careful with everything I say so she dont create another story and start to torture me even more...


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## jim123

File before you move out. Ask for custody. Make sure it is a Family Law practice and they have a pretty good inside PI. Get yourself to an IC.

Take care of yourself and your child.


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## mvarney

jim123 said:


> File before you move out. Ask for custody. Make sure it is a Family Law practice and they have a pretty good inside PI. Get yourself to an IC.
> 
> Take care of yourself and your child.


Dont have money for Lawyers and PI...shes as well as I wants to handle without lawyers...we will see if that happens..we spoke briefly on what we wanted and thats joint custody..Her parents are aweome people and helped us alot..daycare..financially when we needed it...and she is a good mother...just a piece of **** wife...


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## Wolfman1968

EleGirl said:


> I don't know what state you live in so some of the following might differ a bit in your state, but....
> 
> One thing to consider is that in many states any debt she makes is also yours. So it's divided 50/50 at divorce. At this point you have no idea what she will do. She's in selfish mode. The chances of her driving up a lot of credit card debt is pretty good. So filing soon is wise.
> 
> Or check to see what the laws in your state are about separation. For example in California the day a person says that they want a divorce is the date of separation even if they continue to live together.
> 
> My SIL old my brother that she wanted a divorce on 6/1/2010. He did not move out until 10/8/2010. She tried to use the later date for the date of separation because it was financially beneficial to her. He had emails form her starting on 6/1/2010 showing that she told him that she would file for divorce. The court decided that the 6/1/2010 date held. He got a better settlement because of it.. for example she was not able to have him take 50% of a large debt she made between the two dates. He also got credit for all of the community funds she used during that time.
> 
> Her father might pay for the attorney but don't be too surprised if she asks the court to have you pay her attorney fees. She can put down that her dad gave her a loan but that she has to pay him back. My SIL did the same thing.
> 
> Knowledge is your friend


Good advice, and these are concrete examples of why it is critical to see the attorney *immediately* in these situations.


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## Wolfman1968

mvarney said:


> Dont have money for Lawyers and PI...shes as well as I wants to handle without lawyers...we will see if that happens..we spoke briefly on what we wanted and thats joint custody..Her parents are aweome people and helped us alot..daycare..financially when we needed it...and she is a good mother...just a piece of **** wife...


I strongly advise against not having even SOME level of an attorney's advice.

I have always been amazed at the kind of viciousness that SUDDENLY emerges during the final stages of a divorce from the person whom you once thought you could love forever and share a life.


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## kenmoore14217

GET AN ATTORNEY!!! You can pay for it on a monthly basis, however what you gain will outweigh what you will pay.


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## mvarney

Wolfman1968 said:


> I strongly advise against not having even SOME level of an attorney's advice.
> 
> I have always been amazed at the kind of viciousness that SUDDENLY emerges during the final stages of a divorce from the person whom you once thought you could love forever and share a life.


I agree and will speak with an attorney...and I hope she doesnt turn into that..luckily like Ive said previously..we make the same money..im fine with moving out of the house and taking minor possessions..material things mean nothing to me..I will ahve those back..we have no savings and I have more debt...the only thing that she can really hurt me with is trying to take my child..but her selfish ass is gonna want to see OM alot so Im sure me having my kid wont be an issue..Child support Im ok with


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## JCD

PreRaphaelite said:


> Send her this message:
> 
> /ignore.


Nah.

"Own what you did."


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## the guy

mvarney said:


> ...and she is a good mother..


"Good mothers" don't do this crap to there kid!!!!!

"Good mothers" don't do this to there kid's father!!!!!

"Good mothers" focus on the family unit not some POS home wrecker that sleeps with married women!!!!!


I know how this plays out brother, you guys get 50/50 with the kid, but MIL spends more time with the kid, while this "good mother' goes out and parties with OM.

I suggest you keep OM away from your kid by getting it court ordered, I know money is tight, but you don't need some OM around your kid. while he is trying to get into your kids mom's pants.

SHE IS NOT A GOOD MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## mvarney

JCD said:


> Nah.
> 
> "Own what you did."


"Own what you did" ?..dont understand that one


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## the guy

Send her a messege that is..not responding at all, but JCD is saying go a head a respend by telling her to own her sh1t..or quote own what she did.

See JCD is telling to respeond to her...."you" meaning your WW


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## the guy

This good mother crap hit a sore spot for me, the sh1t my chick was doing not to me but to the kids sucked,,,if I can vent for a momnet and be forgiven for the thread jack......

I can remembr my wife not coming home to to my younges to school. if it wasnlt for me buy him a car and stop depending on my fWW he would have nevr finishe HS.

Then my daughter was left floating in the wind will going thru a LTR with her HS sweet heart and the break up when she was going to college. She went away and my old lady was never there for support. It was me that talked to her in the middle of the night when she was crying , wanting to come back home.

These to acts happen close together and may have been the straw for me.


the fact is when a spouse is in the affair fog there is no way in you can say "she is a good mother".

In your case my biggest concern would be the effect OM has on my kid, cuz it appears you chick is history.

Some POS touching my kid cuz there mom is so blind for hate for you and in love with him is scary.... do a back round check on this SOB...your kid is counting on you!!!!!!!!!!!


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## the guy

geez, I know I can't spell but damb I'm so emotional my last post was jacked up......

Thanks for letting me vent on your thread,


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## mvarney

the guy said:


> This good mother crap hit a sore spot for me, the sh1t my chick was doing not to me but to the kids sucked,,,if I can vent for a momnet and be forgiven for the thread jack......
> 
> I can remembr my wife not coming home to to my younges to school. if it wasnlt for me buy him a car and stop depending on my fWW he would have nevr finishe HS.
> 
> Then my daughter was left floating in the wind will going thru a LTR with her HS sweet heart and the break up when she was going to college. She went away and my old lady was never there for support. It was me that talked to her in the middle of the night when she was crying , wanting to come back home.
> 
> These to acts happen close together and may have been the straw for me.
> 
> 
> the fact is when a spouse is in the affair fog there is no way in you can say "she is a good mother".
> 
> In your case my biggest concern would be the effect OM has on my kid, cuz it appears you chick is history.
> 
> Some POS touching my kid cuz there mom is so blind for hate for you and in love with him is scary.... do a back round check on this SOB...your kid is counting on you!!!!!!!!!!!


I know how you feel man...I really hope she doesnt start neglecting our child to feed her ego with this jacka$$....I think about the OM being around my kid and it makes me ill...but i know Im gonna have to deal with that eventually..fortunately and unfortunately this OM was a child hood friend and I know for sure hes not a criminal...Hes been around my kid alot since hes been coming over and hanging out (Also obviously trying to bang my wife) and hes not a mean person but obvioucly a huge PIECE OF SH*t for doing what he did..and my Wife of course...STILL BLOWS MY MIND!! Hope everything works out in the end brother


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## Shaggy

If you've know the OM for so long then you also know his family and people that he knows. Use the to shame and humiliate him. This guy is a walking piece of trash that went after a married woman. Expose it to every person in his life, make it impossible for them to be the happy couple - make it humiliating for them to socialize as a couple when everyone knows they are cheating scum.


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## tom67

Shaggy said:


> If you've know the OM for so long then you also know his family and people that he knows. Use the to shame and humiliate him. This guy is a walking piece of trash that went after a married woman. Expose it to every person in his life, make it impossible for them to be the happy couple - make it humiliating for them to socialize as a couple when everyone knows they are cheating scum.


 yes tell everyone in your circle of friends
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67

Make life a living [email protected] for him he deserves it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mvarney

So now my W and her co-workers/friends are harrassing this girl I met out at a bar with OM for a couple drinks like 6 months back. What is this woman thinking in her head...she really wants to believe something happened with us..which it didnt..she messaged me yesterday while I was out with a friend (finally after going crazy in my house) and said she just wanted me to be honest about the girl so she could have some closure...CLOSURE..you mean a justification on why your BANGING MY FRIEND...


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## the guy

Focus on OMW. Your damage control is weakening and your WW is getting stronger. 
Can you see that this all damage control on your WW part. You need to get a few steps ahead of WW by going dark on WW and contacting OMW.

Stop engaging your WW and showing your cards.


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## LoveDr

Counseling will not help at this point. The best thing for you to do now would to be to finalize the divorce and put yourself back on the market


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## walkonmars

She wants "closure"?
Tell her to hold an aspirin with her knees - that's the kind of closure that will do her the most good.

Tell your friend to file a grievance.


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## mvarney

the guy said:


> Focus on OMW. Your damage control is weakening and your WW is getting stronger.
> Can you see that this all damage control on your WW part. You need to get a few steps ahead of WW by going dark on WW and contacting OMW.
> 
> Stop engaging your WW and showing your cards.


Im not engaging at all...Im just venting here...minutes after they were sending messages to her facebook the female friend told me she was being harrassed..and I said ignore it..it will make it worse if you respond..she agreed...I never said anything to my W about stopping or why she was doing it..about 8 hours later the W messaged me and said " Im surprised your little girlfriend didnt say anything to you yet" (She already did hours ago) All I replied with is I dont care...shes trying to get a reaction from me and I havnt given her one...its hard but I havnt and I can tell its pissing her off...everyday she tries pushing my buttons with something...


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## mvarney

the guy said:


> Focus on OMW. Your damage control is weakening and your WW is getting stronger.
> Can you see that this all damage control on your WW part. You need to get a few steps ahead of WW by going dark on WW and contacting OMW.
> 
> Stop engaging your WW and showing your cards.


And OM doesnt have a W....Ive already contacted his close friends..I dont know how to contact his family...and by conversations we've had about his family in the past. They wouldnt give a **** anyways


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## walkonmars

"meh" 
your answer to anything not dealing with your daughter.


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## alte Dame

mvarney said:


> So now my W and her co-workers/friends are harrassing this girl I met out at a bar with OM for a couple drinks like 6 months back. What is this woman thinking in her head...she really wants to believe something happened with us..which it didnt..she messaged me yesterday while I was out with a friend (finally after going crazy in my house) and said she just wanted me to be honest about the girl so she could have some closure...CLOSURE..you mean a justification on why your BANGING MY FRIEND...


There are several things going on here, in my opinion:

1) She's trying to deflect, i.e., create a false equivalency to justify what she's doing. This is common for people who've acted really badly & are lying to themselves to deal with any shame that attaches to them.

2) She's going into HS girl gang mode in which she enlists her friends to gang up on the target to intimidate her. Your W is very seriously immature, I think.

Don't let this psyche you out - it's a form of gaslighting.


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## 3putt

Decorum said:


> This may be how om isolated your wife from you so he could bang her.
> I dont want you to break nc or 180.
> 
> But you could always say, "nothing happened, thats just a lie om told you so he could bang you, looks like it worked"
> 
> But maybe that is not "meh" enough
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then offer up his and her polygraph tests to see just who is doing the lying here.


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## mvarney

walkonmars said:


> "meh"
> your answer to anything not dealing with your daughter.


Please rephrase so i understand what your saying


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## the guy

Right on I can understand we all need to vent...just let us know next time so we don't give you a hard time 

It sound like your wife is setting you up. One way or another she is trying to get you.

I suggest you get a VAR and keep it on you at all times...it will help protect you from false accusations whe it starts to get really nasty....


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## mvarney

Decorum said:


> This may be how om isolated your wife from you so he could bang her.
> I dont want you to break nc or 180.
> 
> But you could always say, "nothing happened, thats just a lie om told you so he could bang you, looks like it worked"
> 
> But maybe that is not "meh" enough
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ive already said that one...I said give me proof that I cheated on you with her..The only thing she has is a message between him and her saying that " (From OM) " He stayed with her when I went home and the next morning he texted me and said...We went back to my house and fooled around but we didnt fu*k.....LIKE HE DIDNT EVEN SAY I HAD SEX WITH HER....and her response was "He probably didnt tell you he had sex with her becasue he would have felt like an *******" Its like he was lieing and throwing me under the bus..but let her make the assumption that I had sex with her....I really feel like Im in highschool right now...can the FOG really be this bad?


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## 3putt

the guy said:


> It sound like your wife is setting you up. One way or another she is trying to get you.
> 
> I suggest you get a VAR and keep it on you at all times...it will help protect you from false accusations when it starts to get really nasty....


Just in case you missed it the first time.


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## walkonmars

mvarney said:


> Please rephrase so i understand what your saying


"meh" = "whatever" 

in other words - don't let her think she's getting to you. You don't engage her in any conversation at all - unless it has something to do with your daughter.


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## sharkeey

mvarney said:


> Ive already said that one...I said give me proof that I cheated on you with her.


She's the one who cheated yet you're the one defending your actions. 

You've got her exactly where she wants you.


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## Malaise

sharkeey said:


> She's the one who cheated yet you're the one defending your actions.
> 
> You've got her exactly where she wants you.


He 's right 

You will never win responding to her like this.

This sounds like something from junior high.

Ignore her and concentrate on what you know she did.

She's blameshifting and deflecting, don't fall for that crap.


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## Shaggy

Suggestion - offer her a family polygraph.

Same questions, you both take them.

1. Have you had cheated on your spouse since you got married.
2. have you had sex with XXXX (insert name of the person here)
3. Are you currently having sex with XXXX
4. Do you plan on having sex with XXXX ever again
5. Has XXXX had sex with you


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## Acabado

mvarney said:


> So now my W and her co-workers/friends are harrassing this girl I met out at a bar with OM for a couple drinks like 6 months back. What is this woman thinking in her head...she really wants to believe something happened with us..which it didnt..she messaged me yesterday while I was out with a friend (finally after going crazy in my house) and said she just wanted me to be honest about the girl so she could have some closure...CLOSURE..you mean a justification on why your BANGING MY FRIEND...


Your wife and OM are pathetic. Shameless way to gaslight, deflect the attention and play the victim dragging that girl and the coworkers... Shame on them.
I'm ashamed of her... and it's not my wife!


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## mvarney

Decorum said:


> Im sorry that was hard for me to follow. Not your fault.
> But suffice it to say you did not fool around with this woman from the bar, right?
> 
> And yea "meh" is an explative of disinterest.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not at all..I work in a mall and she works here too..shes like one of the dudes...she had a boyfriend at the time and know him as well...but I cant say anything to my W without her just saying im lieing so i dont say anything at all...let her believe what she wants...Im not gonna sit here and defend myself when I have nothing to defend..Yes I was wrong for lieing in the first place and Im kicking myself in the ass on that one..


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## mvarney

Acabado said:


> Your wife and OM are pathetic. Shameless way to gaslight, deflect the attention and play the victim dragging that girl and the coworkers... Shame on them.
> I'm ashamed of her... and it's not my wife!


And whats funny and I will reiterate this from earlier postings...her best friend who she has been talking to alot since this happend who is also married is in the same situation...unfortunately her A partner cut ties and went back to the W and they are just feeding eachother...as sick as it sounds I cant wait til she snaps out of it (if she even does) and comes begging for me back....and just laugh in her face...ONLY if its after the Divorce is over though..gotta be careful


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## TRy

mvarney said:


> The only thing she has is a message between him and her saying that " (From OM) " He stayed with her when I went home and the next morning he texted me and said...We went back to my house and fooled around but we didnt fu*k.


 So her affair partner saying that you cheated is her only proof? LOL that is rich. It is not like he as any reason to not tell the truth or anything. Besides, he only told her this after you caught them so she cheated on you before he told her this lie.

Conference call her with her parents on the phone and tell her that you will take a poly to prove that you are telling the truth, but that she needs to take a poly too, so that you can find out the full extent of her cheating. Tell her that you have the poly booked already (have it booked only a few days out). Tell her that her not willing to take the poly is proof enough who is telling the truth.


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## JCD

If you aer sure she cheated, why waste money with a poly? Why do you need to prove your character to the wife? Why do you need to prove your character to her friends?

If you are done with her, get a divorce and be done. Have you actually packed her crap and dropped it off at the OM or her Parent's house? Do so. Make her have to carry all that crap back to the house where you changed the locks.

Set her back on her heels. I hope you took care of the money situation.

I would suggest you pick up another cheap cell phone with a different phone number and start to use that. Send that number only to your work and your closest friends and family. Tell them not to share it. Make HER work to even be able to talk to YOU.

It will a) drive her crazy, and b) make it harder for her to give you her ration of crap. 

You seem rather wobbly here. Please stop that.


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## warlock07

Her best proof that you cheated on her is something that a guy who she was cheating with told her(without any proof) ?

You soon to be ex wife is stupid.


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## tom67

warlock07 said:


> Her best proof that you cheated on her is something that a guy who she was cheating with told her(without any proof) ?
> 
> You soon to be ex wife is stupid.


Go cold on her it's not worth your time. What did the friends say once you exposed him?


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## mvarney

tom67 said:


> Go cold on her it's not worth your time. What did the friends say once you exposed him?


Some of his close friends (not really mine) were on his side saying what am I gonna accomplish by exposing him..I totally just disregarded anyone who was backing him up..the others were appalled and couldnt believe it as he never seemed to be this kind of person growing up..Im sure some of them contacted him after I exposed and said something to him because the next morning is when he decided to tell my W i cheated..Thats when **** hit the fan...


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## Shaggy

So you exposed the OM and your wife's affair and her response is that the real issue us that you cheated based on the word of the OM?

Your wife knows you didn't cheat. She's just using this known lie to blame shift,


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## Kronk

I can't believe how soft some of you dudes are!
She cheated FFS. Throw the b!tch out, go and see your buddy and knock him the fvck out, turf her stuff out on e lawn and move forward with you and your kid.
Stop crying over spilt milk and go get yourself another bottle :smthumbup:

Life really is simple


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## warlock07

Your wife will be dumped and dumped real bad.


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## Malaise

warlock07 said:


> Your wife will be dumped and dumped real bad.


I'm sure what she and Om have is true love, a love for the ages, a love...


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## sharkeey

Kronk said:


> I can't believe how soft some of you dudes are!
> She cheated FFS. Throw the b!tch out, go and see your buddy and knock him the fvck out, turf her stuff out on e lawn


Yeah go break the law and go to jail because, heck, they deserve it.

/ sarcasm off


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## mvarney

So Just a little update..been a few weeks since I posted. Things are definately looking and feeling better for me. I moved out officially on Jan 1st and moved in with a co worker in an apt down the street from my WW...so I could be close to my daughter. I have completly done the 180 even though my goal is def not R. I am just trying to handle this as civally as possible. We havent moved forward with divorce yet as we are still both transitioning with our new lives. She is still seeing other man regularly which is not a shocker to me..but Im letting her be happy. We have had 50/50 with our daughter and believe it or not sat down and made a schedule together that works for both of us. 2 days with me 3 with her..3 again with me so its working out and doesnt seem to be affecting our daughter. If she wants to see one of us we live litterally 60 seconds apart so it works out. As for me Ive been going out and meeting new people on the days I dont have my daughter and am realizing how unhappy I was even before the A. I have come to the conclusion this was all for the best and I have pretty much moved on besides a few minor flashbacks that happen. Other than that everythings peachy!! She has shown signs of regret but it seems fake..like she wants to know I care in the slightest bit..not feeding into her games..staying with the 180 and becoming happier by the day..I want to thank everyone who has given me advice during this process..If I didnt find this blog things would have went totally different I guarantee it..Thanks again


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## happyman64

All I will say is good for you. Your wife needs to grow up and she cannot do that being married.

Work on you. 
Be the best man and Dad you can be.
And find a woman that is worthy of you and your daughter.

One question for you? What do her parents think of your wife now?

Stay in touch.

HM64


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## mvarney

Her parents were not happy with her decision one bit..they hate other man and would never allow him in there residence. They know that cant control there daughter in her decision making but can say whether he can come to there house. I am still and will always be very close to them..they helped me move my stuff out and even gave me some furniture for my new place. My daughter stays there quite a bit when we work so Ive been picking her up and staying for dinner a few times. My relationship with them will never change besides we wont be spending holidays together which probably makes me sadder than actually losing my wife..I feel the only difference between now and when I was living with her is the fact I live somewhere else..we were disconnected for quite some time prior to this so the transition was much easier. Thanks for the words of support..


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## MattMatt

Kronk said:


> I can't believe how soft some of you dudes are!
> She cheated FFS. Throw the b!tch out, go and see your buddy and knock him the fvck out, turf her stuff out on e lawn and move forward with you and your kid.
> Stop crying over spilt milk and go get yourself another bottle :smthumbup:
> 
> Life really is simple


Yeah, and when his buddy has him jammed into jail for assault, what then?


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## happyman64

That is what I thought.

Do yourself a favor. Never lose that connection with her parents.

Grandparents die when they think they will lose access or time with their grandkids.

Keep doing them right and they will do you and your kid right.

And their daughter will never hear the end of it till they die!

And that support my friend is priceless......


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## Malaise

happyman64 said:


> That is what I thought.
> 
> Do yourself a favor. Never lose that connection with her parents.
> 
> Grandparents die when they think they will lose access or time with their grandkids.
> 
> Keep doing them right and they will do you and your kid right.
> 
> And their daughter will never hear the end of it till they die!
> 
> And that support my friend is priceless......


HM is right

Her parents will tell her, in subtle and not so subtle ways, that she screwed up. They will continue to snub OM, driving home the message yet again. They will mention, or your child will, how you spent some time with them, how well and happy you are (with your new woman). 

And I'm sure you'll be indifferent to her, doing the 180, but I'm also sure you won't mind if she squirms a little after a bit.


----------

