# Struggling to deal with separation



## Struggling mum (Jul 26, 2015)

My husband told me in February that he isn't happy with our marriage and he hasn't been for about a year now so he wants to go and stay at his sisters house to see if he gets happy being away from me! So he left at the end of April. During this time he was going to counseling to figure things out..

I was being good and I gave him his space!! Yes we did have arguments here and there but other then that I thought I handle things quite well.. First week of July he told me that he's not coming home because I didn't get a job, and when ever he went out I whinged about it... That was his reasons!! 

Yes I struggled to get a job for years!! I became pregnant at 18 and we both decided that I would be a stay at home mum.. Four years later I became pregnant again so same thing I stayed a stay at home mum!! As soon as both kids started school I tried to find work but nothing.. Years passed and I lost more and more confidence in myself!!! I got hung up on so many times and not even given a chance all because I was a stay at home mum!! Anyway I put on weight and basically lost all confidence I had left!! The only thing I got up for in the morning was knowing I had my family!! 

Anyway when he told be he felt like this, I used ever waking minute to do my best to find a job!! I stopped looking locally (cause I still wanted to be there for my kids) and would do anything really!! Finally I got a job and I lost Weight because of all the stress and my confidence is starting to come back but he still wanted to leave!! I told him I only whinged because I was jealous of him going out and that I didn't feel like I deserved to go out because I didn't earn any money!! I mean I didn't even buy clothes unless mine had holes in them and I had no choice... I didn't even buy underwear until it broke or holes in them!!! 

I just don't understand why he still left when I changed what he said was wrong?? Mind u he never help me find a job!! He knew I had problems and never offered to help!! He said he tried once to get me a job at his work but I didn't seem too keen on that idea!! Like come on why would I be happy about all your work friends and bosses find out how stupid and fat your wife was!! And like I wanted to spend day in and day out with u!! But that was the only help he gave!! 

I'm struggling to deal with him leaving and so are my girls!! The youngest is taking things out on her self and started punching her self!! I just don't know if I can handle all the stress!! My girlfriend that I usually talk to is going through a really big thing her self so I don't want to put my burden on her and I usually talk to my mum but she is really stressed at seeing me and the girls so upset that she sends texts to my husband and makes matters worse!! So I'm at a loss and don't know what to do and the stress just keeps building and I think I will explode soon if I don't get help!!


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

The best thing you can do is communicate with your spouse, sadly nothing you say will probably make him come home. He'll probably come home when he's ready, of ever. Its sad your kids are feeling the consequences of this. Just continue to focus on bettering yourself, and do it for you-not him. Once he sees the changes you're making he may realize what he has.
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## Struggling mum (Jul 26, 2015)

Yes I know your right!! It's just hard when he told me what was wrong and I changed it!! If I wasn't willing to change I would understand, but I have!! I just don't know how I can prove to him that I have changed when we don't see each other for long!!!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Well, I can certainly see why he complained about you whining. Your post is basically one long whine-fest about being unable to find a job, gaining weight, and wearing holey clothes. And all the things he should have done to help you. And then more whining about why "he STILL doesn't want me!!! Buy whyyyyyy??"

Go to counseling and work on your communication skills. Whining is ineffective. Learn to speak rationally and calm like an adult. Maybe he will see the positive changes and come back. If not, you will have to accept his decision and move forward without him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

Its probably nothing that you're even doing, its probably issues that he has his self. With me and my husband's issues he tries to put blame on me in a way, I think to make his self feel better about doing something he knows is wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Struggling mum (Jul 26, 2015)

Well happy as a clam (love the name) thanks for the criticism no really thank you!! I don't mean to come across as whinging!! It's hard to put into words especially when u are going through a hard time!! That's why through all of this I have tried to put myself in his shoes and feel how he would!! I know he will be going through hell I mean walking out on your family isn't easy!! I have tried to get him to counseling but things keep coming up and we haven't made it there yet. So we will see..


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Congratulations on loosing weight and getting a job! Your husband sounds unsupportive. Is he giving you money for living expenses? Is he seeing his children? If not then you might have to file for divorce so he will be forced to give you child support. Walking out on his family was easy for him.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

How old are you and how old are the girls? 

Like the post above, I'd like to know if he's contributing financially and seeing the kids.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

A lot of the time there is another woman in the wings. Despite what he says. Always a possibility. Does he have any signs of depression? Weight loss, sleep disorder, negative thinking.....

I would give him space, let him call you if he wants contact. Remove all pressure on him to return, he has to want to be with you or it's not a real marriage.

Are you going for counseling to talk to someone outside the family? A professional therapist can help. Writing out your thoughts and frustrations in a journal every day helps anxiety a lot. Maybe your daughter can do journaling as well. If she is hitting herself she should be seeing a therapist that specializes in talking to young people. Kids often blame themselves deep down for their families troubles and don't tell anyone. 

Is he spending time with his kids? Is he supporting them financially?


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## Struggling mum (Jul 26, 2015)

Thanks for the advice.. Yes he does pay and he sees the kids. He is very good with all that. I have thought about him having someone else, I mean it's always at the back of my mind... his family and myself have thought about him having depression. He lost his dad 5yrs a go. On the day that he passed my husband was meant to go and see him but he couldn't because he was sick and he didn't want to make his dad sick. I don't think he has ever forgiven himself for that and last year anniversary of his death hit him the hardest. He told me that he was going to counseling himself and they did a test to see if he does have depression but I found out that he just lied about going, so hopefully when we go we will find out!!


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