# I'm So Sad and Angry....



## stepswork4me (Mar 21, 2011)

My wife and I've been together for almost 9 years and married for 3 1/2. She's moving out this week and I just feel lost. We fell in love quickly, had sex 3 months into the relationship, and she moved in with me 6 months into it. Things have been good for the most part, at least I thought so, for most of our time together.

We've held each other and cried more over the last few days than I think we ever have. We still love each other and are going to try to work things out, but I'm really fearful of us not having anytime together really hurting our hopes. I work 3rd shift and rarely get to spend time with her already. 

From what I'm getting from her, we don't have sex enough and haven't for a long time. She resents me for feeling unwanted and I don't know what to do to make my libido raise. I've just changed my diet, quit smoking, and started taking a supplement to help with my testosterone production within the last week to help on the physical side. The emotional side is a mess too, though. She's distant and there is no holding, kissing, or anything else. I just can't get into it sexually without the emotional connection or some loving prelude.

Sorry to unload.... I'm just lost, sad, and angry.


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

Welcome aboard Steps. The TAM family is very supportive and I feel sure they will help you sound out your emotions.

May I ask what your sexual relationship was like prior to the decline? Was it ever more prevalent?

I agree that desire comes first, but sometimes just breaking the routine can help. There is a book called "The Sex Starved Marriage" that I would recommend you read. The book gives you both perspectives ( hi and lo libido) and some ways to understand them.

Good luck!


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## stepswork4me (Mar 21, 2011)

Oak said:


> Welcome aboard Steps. The TAM family is very supportive and I feel sure they will help you sound out your emotions.
> 
> May I ask what your sexual relationship was like prior to the decline? Was it ever more prevalent?
> 
> ...


When we first got together our sex life was great! 3 years in my desire for sex with her decreased and I found myself looking at a lot of porn. I'm a recovering drug addict, so I addressed it in my step work. Somewhere around that time we took her crazy teenage cousin into our home and sex got even stranger having a kid in the house. It made me nervous. She lived with us for two years and it almost killed my wife. The kid had serious mental and emotional issues. At the end of it, my wife accused me of being gay because we only had sex about once a month. Almost three years ago, we put the girl into states custody and have tried to heal our relationship since. We ended up moving and the only employment I could find was 3rd shift which gave us very little time together, made me tired all the time, and limited our sex again. I just can't get into it so I'm trying to do what I can to raise my libido naturally. I'm really careful with meds because of my history.

Thanks for listening


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

Hmm well first off I want give you a disclaimer for IC (individual counseling) as you have a complex background. It would probably help if you are not doing it already. A lot of times it is available through work free of charge.

That said, ALL of the reasons you mentioned are certainly once that would could cause a drop in sex drive: stress, family in the house, moving, time in the relationship, adjusting sleep patterns. They all can factor in. 

If you were looking at porn though, it sounds like you still felt some physical desire just not for your wife. Did you address all these concerns with her about your discomfort with sex? Are you physically attracted to her?


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## stepswork4me (Mar 21, 2011)

We've talked it to death, if that makes sense. I am physically attracted to her. I do, however, resent her anger, distance, expectations, push to bring the kid in, push to move.... I feel like it's her way or no way.... Like I said, it's hard for me to be physically there with so much disconnect. The only time in my life when sex was just a physical act was when I was drunk or high. I haven't drank or drugged in almost 11 years and have only had monogamous relationships since.

We're both gonna seek some individual counseling.


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## stepswork4me (Mar 21, 2011)

Well... she's not moved out yet and I'm struggling not to break down in tears every time I think about it or look at her. She'll be home in a bit and is bringing home dinner.... SIGH.... I'm taking a personal day at work. I haven't slept and can't go supervise and direct a bunch of guys in this condition.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

stepswork4me said:


> We've talked it to death, if that makes sense.


Stop talking about it then, talk about other things, let things try to settle down a little.



> I am physically attracted to her. I do, however, resent her anger, distance, expectations, push to bring the kid in, push to move.... I feel like it's her way or no way.... Like I said, it's hard for me to be physically there with so much disconnect.


gotta try and let go of the anger etc. Maybe she just wants her alpha male back.



> We're both gonna seek some individual counseling.


good move, blast out all you want in IC, but at home, keep it calm, don't get baited into things you are sure will lead to more discontent.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you been through a physical to rule out anything to that regard? Can you suck it up and give her what she wants, to see if by doing that it re-kindles the emotional side? And I mean that in a supportive way... Basically, are you willing to put aside your hurt feelings to try to break the impasse.

What have you done to try to raise your testosterone levels? Again, getting tested to see if there's an issue there, or if the problem is between the ears... There's been a number of posts in the Man's Forum dealing with that, including a number of natural suggestions.

C


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

PBear;279609
What have you done to try to raise your testosterone levels? [/QUOTE said:


> had that test, mine were normal to just above normal, didn't help with the low sex drive though


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