# Living in limbo



## Inadaze (Nov 16, 2010)

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I appreciate any suggestions and/or advice. I apologize in advance if I seem to ramble. It's very hard to keep my thoughts clear as I write it all out.
H and I have been separated for almost 5 months due to infidelity. This was his second affair in our marriage that occurred over a 16 year period. I found out about the second affair in Nov 2010 and reluctantly decided to give it one more try. Then in March found out he was still having contact with the OW when my 16 year old daughter mentioned that "dad has a secret cell phone" (he says contact by phone only and had not seen her in person, but whatever!). He left the house at that point in May and has been living with his dad since then. He comes by 1-2 times a week to do things with our daughters (16 and 11) and we meet once a week for dinner to discuss whatever. 
In the beginning, these dinners were arranged so that we could discuss the girls and also decide what we were going to do in regards to our marriage. I wasn't sure if I wanted to try counseling again or if we should just end it. 
Sometimes I get the impression he wants to try and other times I think he wants to just end it but is afraid of hurting me and the girls even more. It seems if he wanted to stay together he would be begging for forgiveness and doing whatever he can to come back home. He isn't doing that at all, but confuses me by asking me to go out on "dates" with him. I always say no and suggest doing things as a family with our girls instead.
I think of wanting to end it but can't picture myself saying the words. I can't picture myself ever trusting him again, I don't want to go through this pain again and I certainly don't want my girls to think it's okay for a spouse to treat you this way. We have been together so long that I feel like even though we are living apart, this limbo is better than really being alone. 
I also catch myself making excuses for him like; "He has such low self-esteem", "Our marriage had problems that were shoved under the rug", etc. 
I think I wish he would just say he wants a divorce so we can move on and I don't have to say the words. Does that make me a coward?


----------



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I know it totally sucks being in limbo land. It is a horrible emotional rollercoaster. I know, I am living it too.

I know one thing for sure, until he/you REALLY and I mean really get into serious counselling and face, once and for all, ALL the issues that have torn your marriage apart, you will continue to live in misery.

He has to come completely clean about the OW, make amends and of course make a committment to cut the OW off forever and recommit himself to your marriage.

IMO he owes it to your kids as much as to you, you are not the only one hurting. Your kids will hurt from this for the rest of their lives. Make no mistake about it.


----------



## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

Inadaze said:


> I think I wish he would just say he wants a divorce so we can move on and I don't have to say the words. Does that make me a coward?


Yes, sort of but yet it can't be easy. Your husband isn't going to pull the plug because men who have affairs are often conflict avoidance and cowardly themselves. 

Maybe if you can be strong and show him that you will not allow him to sit on the fence anymore then he will come around but until you do, you are in limbo. He is using your limbo to his advantage and that should piss you off. 

You have more strength than you know.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't know if it makes you a coward but if you are wanting him to say he wants a divorce so that limbo will end and you can get on with your lives, it sounds a bit passive-agressive.

Why not take the initiative and file yourself and tell him you are done.

Limbo = SUCKS. 

To me, there is no greater hell on Earth than LimboLand.

You guys are doing the back and forth. Sorry to sound crass but what it comes down to is: etiher sh!t or get off the pot.

If you are certain you will never trust him again and aren't wanting a marriage with him AND he has done nothing to end the affair and/or work on earning your trust back and restoring the marriage, you have your answer.

It takes two to make a marriage work. All or nothing.


----------



## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

I can identify with how you're feeling..my H and I were separated for most of last year, due to his EA and some other issues. For some reason, he could never come out and call it what it was...it was always "we were just friends"..right. Then why was I not included in their little texts, phone calls(cell phone and the home phone..he would leave work early on Fridays and she would call him at home), etc.
At first, I got most of the blame..it was "you never talk to me", etc. Then he got some counseling and he changed dramatically.
We still have a few issues to work out, but we've gotten back together, because we talked about it and decided that we love each other too much to give it up.
I hope that the two of you can decide soon what you want to do with your lives, because it isn't fair to any of you.
Wishing you all the best.


----------



## Inadaze (Nov 16, 2010)

Thank you all for the great advice. This site has been so helpful and such a great support.


----------

