# Marriage help



## Kaneman (May 27, 2018)

I have been married for 12 years today and now I messed up I got up set I needed to go home and change I was soaked in rain and had to get ready for work she wanted to go to food store I made her upset of all days todayon my anniversary she’s calling me controlling toxic and abusive (not physically) and is trying to get me to leave I have been working with a therapist for a while trying to figure myself out I started lexipro for my anxiety and I still messed up I want to work it out not call it quits it has been up and down over the years but I am trying to change what can I do


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

You message is not very clear. Sounds like you are struggling, but I can't understand why. Best of luck to you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Kaneman said:


> I have been married for 12 years today and now I messed up I got up set I needed to go home and change I was soaked in rain and had to get ready for work she wanted to go to food store I made her upset of all days todayon my anniversary she’s calling me controlling toxic and abusive (not physically) and is trying to get me to leave I have been working with a therapist for a while trying to figure myself out I started lexipro for my anxiety and I still messed up I want to work it out not call it quits it has been up and down over the years but I am trying to change what can I do


You post is hard to understand. Punctuation and full sentences are your friend when you want to communicate with people.

So I'm going to ask you some questions to clearify...

Were you out with your wife today when you got wet from the rain? You were soaked? I mean were you really soaked? Were you cold from the rain?

Why doesn't your wife care that you were soaked? It's not selfish or controlling to not want to go shopping when you are soaking wet. Instead it's selfish and controlling of her to turn this around on you and make you into the bad guy.

So it's really important to know this. Were you really soaking wet?


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## Kaneman (May 27, 2018)

I am sry my head is spinning right now. I had a soaking yet shirt. I also have a ileostomy witch i have a bag on my side. So getting wet is something i dont like to be. She had to go food shopping for a picnic stuff and i have to be at work at 230. This all happen at around 1230pm. I was affraid i was going to be late because i needed a shower and dry cloths, i was not even sure how long we would be food shopping forso i started getting worried and then it all happen, she got mad i got mad she said the hell with it and went home. Now i am in the dog house where she trying to make me leave but not really forcing me. She said she is done with me being toxic


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## Kaneman (May 27, 2018)

And aslo has told me to leave her alone she does not want to talk to me anymore


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## Kaneman (May 27, 2018)

It pord rain while we were getting into the car at our walmart so trying to get my youngest son into the car my shirt and back of my pants got some wet but my shirt was soaked yes


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you only have on car?

Could she have dropped you off at your house to get ready for work, gone shopping and been home in time for you to go to work?

She cannot kick you out of your home. It's your legal residence as much as it is hers.

Does she go off the handle like this very often?


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## Kaneman (May 27, 2018)

When I get upset yes. We both have our own therapy to work on our problems but today she just said I’m done. She has befor but we talked it out and that’s y I am on anxiety meds now. To try and calm me down when I get all up and worried about things. But now she won’t even answer a txt or anything I am worried


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## Kaneman (May 27, 2018)

It is my fault I made her mad by saying angrily that I needed a dry shirt and we don’t have time I was going to be late and I needed a shower


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you at work right now?

How many times have you texted her since you left the house today?


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## Kaneman (May 27, 2018)

Yes


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## Kaneman (May 27, 2018)

Couple time one to tell her I found this forum to talk to people for some help and just a bit ago to see if we could talk now


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Kaneman said:


> It is my fault I made her mad by saying angrily that I needed a dry shirt and we don’t have time I was going to be late and I needed a shower


Do you only have one car?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Kaneman said:


> Couple time one to tell her I found this forum to talk to people for some help and just a bit ago to see if we could talk now


I'd say to let it go for now. Give her time to cool down.


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## Kaneman (May 27, 2018)

Ok I will.


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## Kaneman (May 27, 2018)

And no we have two but it did not start raining will we got into Walmart we don’t live close either about 15 miles away


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Kaneman said:


> And no we have two but it did not start raining will we got into Walmart we don’t live close either about 15 miles away


Does that Walmart have groceries?

She could have gone shopping after taking you home. 15 miles I a bit of a distance for grocery shopping, but it's doable.


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## Kaneman (May 27, 2018)

Yes sit does I didn’t even think of that she could have.........


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you were already in Walmart and the rain started while you were in Walmart, why couldn't she get the groceries she needed while you were in Walmart, before you went out in the rain?



Kaneman said:


> Yes sit does I didn’t even think of that she could have.........


Apparently she did not think about this either. That's on her.


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## Kaneman (May 27, 2018)

I know she likes to shop at a store called save a lot kinda like a cheaper version of Walmart foods


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

I can see how she would be irritated as hell and think you are being a selfish jerk. By insisting on going home without stopping for groceries you added 30 miles of drive time to her day, probably at least 40 minutes. 

Were you aware of the grocery store stop when you headed out for the day or did she throw that out after the fact? Would you have had to shower anyway if your shirt didn’t get wet? I ask because my husband does this to me at times and it makes me mental. We have a plan of doing A, B and C. Then he freaks out after getting A done and says we don’t have enough time to C or even B and I am left fuming. Because I have to find another time to do them myself. If he hadn’t agreed to get those things accomplished with me in that timeframe then my expectations would be different and I wouldn’t be disappointed. 

On the other hand, he is usually correct that we didn’t have time for it all. But his delivery sucks so instead of sounding logical he sounds like a giant selfish ******* who doesn’t care about me, my time or my priorities on what needs to be accomplished. His anxiety comes out as attacking. It is beyond draining and sometimes I reach a boiling point.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Kaneman said:


> It is my fault I made her mad by saying angrily that I needed a dry shirt and we don’t have time I was going to be late and I needed a shower


Okay, to begin with you don't have the power to make anyone else mad. Stop beating up on yourself. SHE is responsible for how she responds to you.

Please understand you are only responsible for your own feelings/emotions. How she reacts to your behavior is hers to own.

I can hear the anxiety through your post. Do you think she is saying she's done just to hurt you? Has she done this before?


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## Kaneman (May 27, 2018)

Yes a couple times but it feel different this time and having to go to work at 230 when I was trying to make things ok didn’t help. I couldn’t talk long she just said ur late go to work we need the money


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## Kaneman (May 27, 2018)

And yes I knew she had to get food but I didn’t even think of it being at Walmart I was just worried about the time. I had the kids at the McDonald’s in the Walmart while she shopped for a few odds and ends and constantly keeping my left eye on the time


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## Kaneman (May 27, 2018)

I can say that one thing that stuck to my bones and I cant shake off is the fact she said this is the worst anniversary ever . I had planes to go let her pick out a ten year band seeings how back then we didn’t have the money. But that went to **** and this all happen


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