# Being Taught a Lesson



## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

I need some help understanding this move from my husband. 

1. I mismanaged our financial budget and took the blame

2. My husband decided that I needed to learn a lesson from it

3. So he made me worry about money, told me I had ruined Christmas for our family, and that I had destroyed us. 

4. When in fact he had already solved the problem

5. He doesn't like my mother, yet he texted her to tell her he solved the problem and not to tell me. He also tells her he likes to watch me sweat over the money problems. 

He justifies this because he says he needed to teach me a lesson. He made me feel like dirt, on my birthday, guilted me, harassed me, made me feel like the worst person ever and got enjoyment out of it. But hey, I needed to learn a lesson. 

When I mention this to him, he says to me, "Wonderful, mission accomplished" 

He follows that with, "I would like the active you back, where you wear a bra in the house, and don't eat cheese by the block, and don't wear sweatpants all the time." 

Forgive me.. I am not made out of money and I cannot afford to buy new jeans everytime they rip so I wear them as sparingly as possible, as for wearing a bra, they suck... why would I want to wear one 24/7? I have DDD bra size... I have big boobs.. My bra pinches me in places and it cost 60.00... I would think a guy would want them not in a bra call me crazy. 

I mean... we already don't have sex... I've gone a whole year and a half without anything because my husband is unable to. But he has no qualms about it because I have a Pink toy to help me out. That toy does nothing for me... nothing like being in his arms. He doesn't care. 

His justification for watching me suffer makes me really mad... and I just want to know if my upbringing is just backwards or if this is justified. I did mess up the account but he's not a fourth grader either, he is smart and he could have looked at the list of bills I gave him, the amount of money we have in the account, and he could have made an educated decision. He just didn't. He relied totally on me to tell him when he could. Which I botched. 

Help?


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I think he resents you for some reason. Sounds like a sociopath screwing w u like that. Maybe he is depressed. Why can't he have sex?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

OP, you have threads going back nearly four years. People advised you before you even married him that he was bad news. This relationship seems very unhealthy, quite toxic in fact.

Why are you still in it?


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## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

He was in a car accident and it paralyzed his entire left side.. he is unable to have sex, urinate or defecate on his own.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Yep depressed and gets his kicks making you feel like sheet
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

Hey Happyasaclam, 

I am still in it because I am young and I make mistakes.. and I love my husband, despite everything he does. I am always trying to find ways to improve our relationship. In some ways counseling as helped us a lot... but he struggles to stay with one counselor for too long, especially if that counselor disagrees with him too much. He listens intently during our sessions.. and is extremely discriptive, I just wish he was more like that at home. 

As for my posts, these are things I am unsure are normal or if I have reacted badly... justified I do not know. I need advice on what this is. My husband is a rare breed... only one of him exist. I can't see myself being with anyone else, everytime I think about being with someone else it makes me sad, and I just really love my husband. 

I am willing to work through it.. marriage means fighting for each other.. when the going gets tough.. not tapping out.


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

so he takes out his frustration on you. My advice, LEAVE and I rarely encourage divorce.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Has he every received counseling for his accident and disability? Because of his accident he has lost control over part of his body, and thusly lost control over parts of his life. His reaction to that is to become overly controlling in other areas, he is trying to prove to himself he still has power. Sadly he is using you as his punching bag, he knows he can bully and manipulate you, so he does, he feels powerful by humiliating you. That's just a guess, he could also just be an ass.

The dynamics of this relationship will destroy you, he has no right to "punish" you, that is absolutely childish behavior. He doesn't look at you as his wife, he looks at you as subservient and will continue to abuse his status over you if you allow him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

toomuchlove87 said:


> Hey Happyasaclam,
> 
> I am still in it because I am young and I make mistakes.. and I love my husband, despite everything he does. I am always trying to find ways to improve our relationship.


Then why are you not active, not getting a better bra, wearing sweatpants all the time, and eating cheese by the block (I assume that means overweight)?

Look, he's a jerk and you need to do something about that. But don't kid yourself that you're 'always' looking for ways to improve your relationship when he has this to throw at you.

Without me having to search 4 years' worth of threads, what's really going on in the marriage? And why haven't you changed anything? You've apparently been getting a lot of advice. Have you used it?


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

Financial problems are a burden in a marriage, especially if one of the parties bears all the burden of ensuring the bills are paid and managing the budget. Trying to keep afloat when one party just spends without even realizing what they're doing is so frustrating.

My wife will actually get mad if I pay the bills and we're tight, I'm like "this is what needed to be paid, so I paid it, I'm not leaving us too tight, we just are too tight. If it annoys you that I pay our debts and bills, help me dig out instead of spending".

I don't try and torture my wife about it, I do get upset and bring it up to her, but when she runs us into the red without even looking at what she's spending or how much we have in that particular account it is quite irritating. All it takes is 30 seconds to look at the account, realize we have $2700 in there and $2450 in outstanding bills, so you can't buy $500 in groceries right now.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What this is: is your husband being a mean, sick jerk. You say you are young so do you want to go the rest of your life with a mean husband, no sex and (I'm guessing, here) helping him to urinate & defecate?

I'm sorry, but for someone so physically messed up he doesn't seem to have a care that you will dump his sorry butt. Does he really think women will line up to take care of him & his daughter? 

Does he ever show any gratitude for all that you do?

Take back your power! You are not a child and do not need to be taught a lesson. What's up with your mom going along with his sick sh!t?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

You are his scapegoat for all that's went wrong with his life. Do you have any idea why you have such low self esteem to tolerate this? You may need to start with counseling for yourself


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

He is a bully and you are a victim, this is no way to live life, it is dysfunctional and will ultimately destroy your physical and emotional health.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

How long had you been married when he had his accident?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

As a reminder, though, he doesn't OWE you gratitude. He SHOULD be grateful, but don't sit around waiting for it. Set up your boundaries and consequences and live your life according to them. No matter what he does.


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## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

I have used much of the advice given to me. Recently I had told him enough was enough and I was tired of being treated like dirt, but somehow he always finds a way to make his behavior seem like it makes sense. 

The sad thing is, this whole deal is one sided and I have tried to get him to come on here anonymously without me knowing his info or mine and chat to others about how he feels, because I am sure if he heard it for himself his perspective would change. But he won't, he thinks I am the one that needs help not him. I am not saying I don't have issues or flaws because I do, but I have tried to not argue, I've stopped calling names and getting angry with him. 

Now with the budget being taken over by him, he still thinks its me that is messing it up. He spends money left and right and gives me 140.00 budget to work with. I told him I was done being his whipping boy, and he laughed. He gets mad and tells me not to bother coming home and I told him that he is abandoning me with words like that. He says it isn't, but I say it is. My husband is coniving and extremely smart, dedusive, almost like a Sherlock Holmes in a way except with more Jackass added on. 

I can't outsmart him and I have never been able to except by accident. Our lives are one constant Mind Game... I never know what I am doing wrong or when I am going to do it. Simply disagreeing with him or repeating myself seems to bring us into a fight. 

He doesn't realize how immature he is, he considers me the immature one, a brat that needs to be taught lessons, and get things through my head. Until a counselor tells him that relationships don't work like that he will keep doing it. He manages to make sense to the counselors, and it is one big merry go round of incidents. 

Honestly, I simply have no one else to talk to. I can't talk to my mother, everyone has told me to leave her out of my relationship so I am. I can't talk to my friends, because then he is one big ass. 

I am active, its just when I come home I want to sleep in, and do school quietly and relax. My husband wants me outside working, inside cleaning house, doing laundry, dishes, cooking, stuff like that. I don't wear a bra in the house because he is always pulling at it, and thats his "Take it off" thing... then when I do it, he is like, "I don't mind, but whoever is coming over" now its a want you to wear a bra everywhere all the time. As for my weight, I have gained weight... dealing with five years of depression has made me sad and not outside riding my horses all the time, or mucking manure or anything like that. Plus. I am scared to go out in the pasture with my husbands Devil Mare, she bit me on the back last year and I still have the scar. Its numb where she bit me now. He doesn't care, he likes her he won't sell her and he laughs and gets mad at me because I won't go out into the pasture. 

When we moved up here, we have four horses... now we have ten. Because my husband wanted foals, and bred the horses while I was gone and said "Oops it was an accident" 

I like lounge pants, they are warm, and soft and nice when its snowing outside like it is right now. I put my jeans on if I need to, I have a shoestring budget and if I rip my jeans, I don't have any to wear. I have one pair of jeans right now, all the others have holes. I'll wear those outside, but in -5 degree weather would you want to wear jeans?

If I don't eat he gets upset, if I eat too much he gets upset, every time I put like a cracker in my mouth all I hear are sighs, but he buys hamburger helper and veggies, pasta, and barely any fruit or anything. SO my only option is to eat as little as possible and hope that it makes him happy. 

I love him for him, why can't he love me for me?


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## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

Hey Blondielocks, 

My mom actually didn't go along, but he asked her to. She told me about it and showed me the texts between the two of them and he got pissed off that she showed them to me. Then said my mom went behind his back and blah blah blah.


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## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

Hey Blondilocks, 

we have been married for five years, and his accident happened last february. He is actually getting to the point where he doesn't have to use a catheter as much, but he still needs help getting in the shower sometimes. He has one good leg still.. but nothing is happening physically for us. 

On that note, I try not to be needy, because it isn't really fair for him to get nothing out of it, but I've been watching and learning about how disabled people can still enjoy sexual feelings and I have been trying to study that to get better at giving him some kind of pleasure..


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Is your husband mobile? Isn't he paralyzed on his left side? It seems that if he can go to the grocery store that maybe he can be more helpful around the house.

You don't have to do what he says. You can wear ear plugs so you don't have to listen to his bullsh*t. When you stop dancing to his tunes is when you can start to take control of your life. Right now, you're just a puppet on a string. Wear a bra or don't wear a bar. It's none of his damn business.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

toomuchlove87 said:


> I need some help understanding this move from my husband.
> 
> 1. I mismanaged our financial budget and took the blame
> 
> ...



Lets see 

1) You did something foolish - and complain the you had to suffer the consequences from your actions.

2) You aren't taking care of yourself physically and you're complaining that the person you've contracted a life of sole physical commitment from is concerned because you are letting yourself go physically (diet and body care). Especially since with a DD+ size you'll be tucking them into your knickers in 10 years time.

3) You're not actually made for him watching you suffer. You're in denial and blaming him because you want someone to blame.

4) Sweatpants are hideous things especially on large women. use them only when working out or doing physical work (eg gardening, carpentry, moving furniture).

5) How would you rate yourself "on the market" of available women today? If you aren't keeping decent care of yourself physically, then why should your partner care either.

6) If you don't have kids, leave go find yourself another fish.
You really need to get out and clean up your act, show some self respect.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you read this book yet?
FREE - Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That" Read Online


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

toomuchlove87, it sounds to me like your husband is trying to teach you a lesson.

The lesson he is trying to teach you is that if you have low self esteem, you will find people in life to help you think badly of yourself, and fill you with bitterness and resentment.

Perhaps this will make sense to you in the future, when you find yourself really bitter and resentful.

In the present, it looks like you're still learning the lesson. But then again, if this has been going on for 4 years now....

Leonardo da Vinci once observed that there are 3 types of men (people)- those who see, those who see when shown, those who do not see.

You don't see the problem, here, with how you are being treated. Other commenters have helpfully pointed out the problem, and you still don't see it.

It seems you are one of those who does not see at all.

Which is why you find yourself exactly where you are at in your marriage.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

His behaviour is vindictive and juvenile. 

I really don't care if someone is in a wheelchair. Or half paralyzed. That's no excuse for being a ****.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You have a problem with how he treated you over the budget incident because he was being cruel. What he was doing to you is the exact definition of cruelty. He caused you mental suffering, and he enjoyed it.

It doesn't matter how much you love someone, you can't fix cruel. You know it. You've come here to vent because you know he won't change. You'll have to deal with being treated like this for the rest of your marriage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Or you could just leave and TEACH him to respect you. And maybe THEN he might become a decent partner. But he will NEVER become better as long as you stay there and accept being treated like a piece of sh*t.

Please read the book I linked.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Toomuchlove87 you mention in your post how much you "love" your husband. Can you explain why? Post after post people point out your husbands faults in the way he treats you, you are miserable and he enjoys keeping you that way. What is there to love about your husband or your current life? Is this what you dreamed of as a young girl? If you met your husband today would you fall in love with him all over? Do you respect him or fear him? 

Let's say for what ever reasons you do believe you love him. Is the relationship good for you? Part of being mature is recognizing things that are bad for us regardless of what we think we want. Your relationship is like smoking or drug addiction, you know it is bad for you, you know it is killing you emotionally and physically, yet you "love" it so you keep up the same habit knowing fully well it is bad for you.

In a nut shell you shouldn't be posting questions trying to understand your husbands actions, your questions should be about yourself and trying to understand why you have such low self esteem that you would love a man who treats you badly and why you accept being miserable as a way of life.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

toomuchlove87 said:


> I have used much of the advice given to me. Recently *I had told him enough was enough* and I was tired of being treated like dirt, but somehow *he always finds a way* to make his behavior seem like it makes sense.


As an example, tell me what the point is of telling him 'enough is enough' - when you then DO NOTHING?

You say that, he ignores it and does what he wants anyway...

You saying enough is enough and then LETTING him have it his way anyway is worse than pointless...it's HARMFUL because you then proved to him that you're a doormat, too weak to respect yourself, too weak to leave, that basically you're just a whiner. And men like him easily ignore whiners. All bark and no bite, you never DO anything about your unhappiness, you just whine about it. 

Until YOU are ready to respect yourself, protect yourself, CHANGE for yourself, _he has no reason to_. Because HE doesn't HAVE to change. All you do is whine.


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