# Any regrets?



## nxmaurice (Sep 16, 2010)

Hi, first post here;

Been married 12ys, 3kids (12, 10,9). I work (50hrs/wk), wife stays home (nice house/mortgage, mid-class, lots of debt etc. etc.).

She doesn't take care of herself, and does the bare minimum to take care of the house and kids (she's a stay-at-homer). She certainly doesn't make any effort to do anything for me (for example: I do my own laundry/ironing). She sleeps in a separate room, leaves the TV on, drinks soda's into the evening and eats at odd hours - no regular sleep schedule.
She does manage (reluctantly) to get the kids to bed, up in the morning, and off to school and to activities: Always in a mad rush. The kids are also starting to live by her example. She thinks it's all normal and says "no ones perfect".
She sleep alot during the day and spends too much time on the computer.
I have a photo/video library of the continuously messy house going back 5 years. 
Anyway, I find she has very few (if any) admirable qualities and I don't love or respect her anymore. 
We had an argument a couple months ago and we both agreed we don't like each other anymore. I have no interest in going to counseling and have no interest in trying to save the marriage.

I still want to support the kids, (I don't think they see the 'rift') but I don't want to live with her anymore either. I found a nearby apartment and was considering moving out on a 6month lease while still supporting the kids and the house (and her). I would also take one of the kids on a continual basis. I think we can do this amicably. Ultimately, I see us getting a divorce but didn't want to do it 'cold turkey'.

Has anyone else tried anything similar and did it work out? I know I would have periods of regret, but still want to give it a try. 
Any thoughts? Thanks.


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## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

She sounds very depressed. Can you suggest she start IC. 

It also sounds like you avoid conflicts. Have you discussed these issues with your wife yet and how often. What is the real reason you want to leave your family today?


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## calimom82 (Jan 25, 2009)

I have to fully agree with Dennis. Sounds like she may be depressed. Try to remember that it goes both ways. Have you told her that you're considering leaving? Good luck to you both.


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## nxmaurice (Sep 16, 2010)

DennisNLA said:


> She sounds very depressed. Can you suggest she start IC.
> 
> It also sounds like you avoid conflicts. Have you discussed these issues with your wife yet and how often. What is the real reason you want to leave your family today?


Thanks for the reply: What's IC?

What's the 'real' reason? It's a failed-marriage.


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## nxmaurice (Sep 16, 2010)

calimom82 said:


> Have you told her that you're considering leaving?


sort of; I mentioned it as a side note during a recent conversation but we moved onto a different topic before seriously discussing it.


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## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

nxmaurice said:


> Thanks for the reply: What's IC?
> 
> What's the 'real' reason? It's a failed-marriage.


IC is an individual counselor or therapist. I think your wife is very depressed.

As for the comment about what is the real reason, I'd venture to bet you have your eye on wife number 2. Is it a co worker, or someone from your past? Why risk becoming an every other weekend father and spend a huge sum of money for countless years to get away now? Good or bad with kids your age, we just tend to suck it up for more years, unless they is a possible honey or potential honey on the side.


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## NeedSpace (Sep 17, 2010)

I can tell you she is depressed. She is missing something from you so she has let herself go. She gave up, doesn't care because possibly you don't care either. I am sort of in the same boat. My husband gives me no affection or care or thoughts in general. So I gave up on the house. I gave up on myself. I am now seeking therapy and just started depression meds yesterday. Best of luck. My advice is to at least help her get better for the sake of the kids regardless of if the marriage continues or not.


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## Brioli (Sep 6, 2010)

Depression..for sure...be a friend at least and encourage her to get some counseling....it's the right thing to do. Don't give up yet. You would be surprised at how much a women can change with the right support system.


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## nxmaurice (Sep 16, 2010)

DennisNLA said:


> As for the comment about what is the real reason, I'd venture to bet you have your eye on wife number 2. Is it a co worker, or someone from your past?


Wrong and Wrong. And, Wrong of you to assume so. :scratchhead:


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## Brioli (Sep 6, 2010)

nxmaurice said:


> Wrong and Wrong. And, Wrong of you to assume so. :scratchhead:


You need to realize that "WE" don't have all the details.....we can't see the dynamics of the "TRUE" situation....

but based on what you have written...you must understand why this was stated....


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## Brioli (Sep 6, 2010)

nxmaurice said:


> Wrong and Wrong. And, Wrong of you to assume so. :scratchhead:


No offense, but it does seem you are so self focused that you are lacking the ability to empathize with where your wife may be coming from. Most men that do this are doing so to have an excuse to leave...and most of the time....they are leaving because there are other options available to them....you follow me?

Most men, who generally love their wives, generally care 'why' they are behaving in this manner. I'm not saying you don't, because at least you care enough to take the time to post here...but....

Sometimes men are looking for someone else to validate them to the point that "they" are not making their own decisions. I mean, it’s easier to make a decision when everyone you ask for advice agrees....right? I'm saying it's much easier when everyone you consult agrees to move forward with whatever decision you are trying to make...you follow?

I think this poster wants you to honestly answer the question. They are not trying to attack you. They are just trying to help you.

You must be honest and as objective as possible if you want honest and objective answers...the question is...do you?....OR....do you want to hear what YOU want to HEAR?


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## nxmaurice (Sep 16, 2010)

Brioli said:


> You need to realize that "WE" don't have all the details.....we can't see the dynamics of the "TRUE" situation...


Of course you don't , duh!!!
That doesn't mean it's ok for you/her to 'make stuff up' and assume that '_I'm_' the problem (i.e. cheating with a co-worker or someone from my past). Talk about a 'red herring'!!!
The two of you should at least five the person's initial post the benefit of the doubt before jumping to conclusions or don't post anything at all.


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