# Dealing with the truth about wife's past



## Tom44

I recently learned that my wife's past is not at all as she had described it, and I am struggling with this greatly as I based our readiness to be together on what I thought was true and on who I thought she was. We are talking about separating and even divorce after less than a year of marriage because of all of the residual issues this has caused. 

Quick background: we've known each other as friends a very long time, and were in casual contact- but lived across the country from each other so we were not very close. Both in our mid 40's and both previously married. I knew she was separated from her husband for a while and having issues- and after starting the divorce process she moved to where I live and we started spending time together as friends- who were both going through difficult break-ups. Over the course of telling each other our life stories and getting to know each other- we quickly bonded and fell in love.

Knowing it was way too soon for her- I cautioned her that she needed time and not to make the same mistakes I did when my marriage ended years before. Not to jump in, rebound, etc. because it would never work. She convinced me she was ready to move on because her and her soon-to-be ex were separated and living apart for the last 3 years- and during this time she had two long term relationships which led her to know divorce was the right answer and what she wanted. We got married, and the issues started because we went too fast- and in the past several months I found out that the reality was that she was separated, but repeatedly kept going back to her husband to try to work things out- but that the two long term relationships she spoke of to justify being ready for me were actually 1- an affair with a married man who had no intention of leaving his wife- and just a lot of drunken bar hook ups with guy- including some group sex with him, his friend and random people from a bar. 2- another guy that she knew but picked up in a bar after drinking and slept with a handful of times over a few months- that she now just calls drunken hook ups. All of this was in between time with her husband who had no idea what she was doing. She says she was just lost and confused because her husband had no desire for intimacy - which is why they separated. 

I now feel like the entire foundation of what I based our relationship is a lie- and am struggling greatly to get past not only that- but some of what she did too. I'm not taking a moral high ground or anything- but all of these people are people we both know and are still in her group of friends. 

How do I deal with this and move past it? How do I not worry she will do the same to me as she did with her husband of 20+ years? How can we get back on the same page and not have all of this hanging over us? Any help and insight is appreciated. She is open to counseling, but she really doesn't feel she did anything wrong- and even if so that it shouldn't matter because it was all before we were together. I agree with that, but can't get past what happened and how it happened.


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## Thor

What she did was wrong because she was still married *and* she was leading her husband to believe she wanted to work things out. So, she was lying to her husband and cheating on him. Cheating in the sense he did not know about it and would not have approved of it.

So, as a result she also lied to you. She lied about how she behaves within relationships. She lied about her behavior during her separation, and she lied about the nature of those relationships. She failed to tell you she was the OW to a married man. She intentionally misled you about her value system and her view of sexuality.

I agree this is not an issue of taking a moral high ground on her sexcapades. She had every right to engage in sexual activities, and those activities were not outside of the bell curve.

I would find her un-worthy of my trust. Or to put it in a different word order, she is untrustworthy. She has years of behavior to inform you of that. There is nothing which you wrote which indicates she sees any reason to change. It is very worrisome that she doesn't see anything wrong with what she did _to you_, which was to lie to you in order to deceive you about her true character. You would likely not have chosen to marry her had you known the truth, so she stole your ability to make an informed decision.

I couldn't "get over it" or move past it.


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## Lostinthought61

The bottom line is that you can't know for sure she will not do it again, and even if she tells you she won't even she won't really know she can....as for getting back to the same page, you can't change the past, and if that will continue to haunt you every time you look at her and she feels shame then neither of you will share the same page.


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## BlueWoman

Well if you guys weren't already married, I would advise not marrying her.

But since you are already married, that advice isn't going to work. 

I think only you can decide how much work you want to put into this. If you stay with her, you are going to have let go of the past and take her as she is. 

But honestly, assuming you don't have kids, you might be better off cutting your losses.


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## 2ntnuf

I really hate to bring this up, but for your benefit, read some threads on peri-menopause. Some women do need to do these things to satisfy urges and those urges are quite controlling for them. This desire doesn't usually slow, when present, until they are almost done with peri-menopause and fully into menopause. At that time, you will have to do more in the way of initiating and pleasing gestures to draw the sexual desire out of them. This isn't all cases, but it's not uncommon, either. 

There is a thread here somewhere that explains some of this. There is a member who might be able to tell you how to deal with her desires and help, so that you are as attractive and meeting as many of her needs as possible. That seems the only likely way to attempt to satisfy her and keep her from straying. This is a critically emotional time in her life. She can't help it and you just have to deal with what comes, or throw in the towel. 

Much of your success will depend on the kind of relationship you have and it looks like she hasn't really lied to you, but hasn't been all that truthful, either. What she did with others, did shape her future. She likely didn't care for what happened, but she doesn't have to do those things she didn't like, only get needs met. 

You will have to observe her closely while doing all you can to meet her needs. Successful completion of those may well land you a faithful woman for the rest of your life. You may have to put up with some cheating and lying, though that's not uncommon either in this age group, for men or women. The alternative might be to date and then not have an interest in marrying anyone as you age.


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## Tom44

Thank you for the responses. Yes- if I had known the whole story accurately I would not have moved forward with getting married. We have no children between us so that is not an issue.

As naive and stupid as it may sound- I do not have trust issues with her thinking she might do those things behind my back because we do not have the same issues in our marriage that led her to that. My trust issues are based on how she is willing to mislead her husband, hide things, and selfishly pursue what she wants to make her feel better. She said she wasn't doing anything wrong because while they were separated and living apart that the agreement was they could date anyone or do whatever- but yet she made sure she blocked him from seeing FB posts of her out at the bars with other guys, etc. I just don't feel like she's the person I married- and need to figure out if and how I can ever respect her and fully trust her character again.


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## Clay2013

I think even if she was separated she sure did not have any respect for herself. Then there is the relationship with a married man. This shows she does not really respect marriage. I think if you stay with her its going to be a difficult marriage. I know people can change but its not something I have seen to often. 

Your just going to have to decide if you can trust her. If not then you need to let her go. 

Clay


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## 2ntnuf

> My trust issues are based on how she is willing to mislead her husband, hide things, and selfishly pursue what she wants to make her feel better.


That's exactly why I posted what I did. At this time, she will be very selfish in meeting her own needs. Add in some misleading information and it could, but not always, spell disaster. All you can really do to be certain is meet her needs as best you can, all of them, and observe.


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## tonedef

You shouldnt worry whether or not you two do not have the same issues she had in her last marriage that led to her cheating, but that issues in general led her to cheating. She rationalized her cheating which is a big character flaw. This time it could be that you didnt take the garbage out enough or left hair around the sink.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tom44

Thank you again for the responses- and I think lack of respect is one of the biggest issues. I'm having trouble respecting her again knowing the truth about her past- and I just don't feel like she's the person I thought I married- even if most other aspects of our relationship are good.


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## turnera

What is she saying about it?


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## EleGirl

Tom44 said:


> Thank you for the responses. Yes- if I had known the whole story accurately I would not have moved forward with getting married. We have no children between us so that is not an issue.
> 
> As naive and stupid as it may sound- I do not have trust issues with her thinking she might do those things behind my back because we do not have the same issues in our marriage that led her to that. My trust issues are based on how she is willing to mislead her husband, hide things, and selfishly pursue what she wants to make her feel better. She said she wasn't doing anything wrong because while they were separated and living apart that *the agreement was they could date anyone or do whatever-* but yet she made sure she blocked him from seeing FB posts of her out at the bars with other guys, etc. I just don't feel like she's the person I married- and need to figure out if and how I can ever respect her and fully trust her character again.


If that was the agreement, then she did nothing wrong. She had every right to block him from her facebook. She was not cheating as it was agreed that both could see others.

It seems that you do not trust her mostly because she had a bit of a wild time and she did not tell you about it.

You have every right to feel anyway you want about her having a bit of a wild time sexually. 

So just make up your mind, either accept her with her past or do not. 

If you accept her with her past, then base your life today on, well... your life today. Is she good to you? Is she faithful? Is she a loving wife? Do not hold her past against her.

If you hold her past against her, get a divorce now an move on.

Do not stay with her in this no-man's land where you will hold her past against her forever.


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## Nucking Futs

Tom44 said:


> relationships she spoke of to justify being ready for me were actually *1- an affair with a married man who had no intention of leaving his wife*- and just a lot of drunken bar hook ups with guy- including some group sex with him, his friend and random people from a bar. 2- another guy that she knew but picked up in a bar after drinking and slept with a handful of times over a few months- that she now just calls drunken hook ups. All of this was in between time with her husband who had no idea what she was doing. She says she was just lost and confused because her husband had no desire for intimacy - which is why they separated.





EleGirl said:


> *If that was the agreement, then she did nothing wrong.* She had every right to block him from her facebook. She was not cheating as it was agreed that both could see others.
> 
> It seems that you do not trust her mostly because she had a bit of a wild time and she did not tell you about it.
> 
> You have every right to feel anyway you want about her having a bit of a wild time sexually.
> 
> So just make up your mind, either accept her with her past or do not.
> 
> If you accept her with her past, then base your life today on, well... your life today. Is she good to you? Is she faithful? Is she a loving wife? Do not hold her past against her.
> 
> If you hold her past against her, get a divorce now an move on.
> 
> Do not stay with her in this no-man's land where you will hold her past against her forever.


She was an OW for a cheating man. I have trouble reconciling that fact with your statement that she did nothing wrong.


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## EleGirl

Nucking Futs said:


> She was an OW for a cheating man. I have trouble reconciling that fact with your statement that she did nothing wrong.


What I meant is that she did not cheat on her husband. 

Yes she was an OW.


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## Nucking Futs

EleGirl said:


> What I meant is that she did not cheat on her husband.
> 
> Yes she was an OW.


And yet your post excuses her for everything she did. This is something I've noticed quite a bit lately from you and several other female posters. You seem to have developed the opinion, and are pushing it vigorously, that no man should ever object to anything a woman has done sexually. Is that the attitude you intend to display?


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## turnera

Tom44 said:


> she and her soon-to-be ex were separated and living apart *for the last 3 years *- and during this time she had two long term relationships which led her to know divorce was the right answer and what she wanted. We got married, and the issues started because we went too fast- and in the past several months I found out that the reality was that she was separated, but repeatedly kept going back to her husband to try to work things out- but that the two long term relationships she spoke of to justify being ready for me were actually 1- an affair with a married man who had no intention of leaving his wife- and just a lot of drunken bar hook ups with guy- including some group sex with him, his friend and random people from a bar. 2- another guy that she knew but picked up in a bar after drinking and slept with a handful of times over a few months- that she now just calls drunken hook ups. All of this was in between time with her husband who had no idea what she was doing. She says she was just lost and confused because her husband had no desire for intimacy - which is why they separated.
> 
> I'm not taking a moral high ground or anything


First, YES, you ARE. Whether you want to admit it or not. That would be a good first step, admitting YOUR feelings. If you try to fix this pretending you're some saint, you will make wrong - and damaging - decisions.

Second, was seeing a married man wrong? Of course. And she needs to come to grips with that in therapy to SEE why it was wrong and not just say she did something wrong.

But it will behoove you to try to see the psychology behind what she did. What she did - trying to get her husband to DESIRE her again, trying to prove to herself that she IS desirable by getting other men to sleep with her - while being separated (discarded), is completely normal for a human being. In fact, most of the time here on TAM when it's a MAN being discarded by his WIFE, people here are cheering him on to go sleep around to get his ego back. Why is it wrong for a woman to do it?

If your 'real' issue is that you are still hanging around these guys as friends, then just call it what it is - YOUR ego feeling bruised that other men, who you have to see, have been with your wife. 

She had no obligation to you at that time. She didn't even have an obligation to TELL you who she'd been with. Perhaps you can deal in therapy with the fact that she felt she had to 'spin' (lie) what happened during those three years so that you would still want her, and find out why that is - something in her FOO? Or something she sensed in YOU? (Example, my first fiancé demanded to know all my sexual past, so I told him; and he proceeded to USE it against me in horrible horrible ways; so when I started dating my current husband, I flat out refused to TELL him of my past because he started doing the exact same thing as my first fiancé.)

I'm not dissing you, just saying you're all ready to jump on HER for this, but you're not looking at yourself at all. And no man is an island.


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## 2ntnuf

Tom44,

Basically, when we don't have the same kinds of experiences in our pasts and we find out, it's tough to take because we don't understand. It's pretty much impossible to understand the ins and outs of it, but it is possible to accept her for who she is. Her past made her who she is because she was changed by what she learned or experienced. 

If you want to change your perspective, you will have to work with a counselor, probably with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, but I am not a doctor. You will have to ask one, if you desire to look into it.

The only other way I know is to experience those things yourself. If you and her are not in an open marriage, you will have to cheat or separate to get that experience. 

Is it worth it? She doesn't understand you, any more than you do her at this point. You will have to change, since she can't go back to where you are. Good luck and don't be ashamed of it bothering you, just don't take it out on her. See a counselor for help.


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## SamuraiJack

Tom44 said:


> How do I deal with this and move past it? How do I not worry she will do the same to me as she did with her husband of 20+ years? How can we get back on the same page and not have all of this hanging over us? Any help and insight is appreciated. She is open to counseling, but she really doesn't feel she did anything wrong- and even if so that it shouldn't matter because it was all before we were together. I agree with that, but can't get past what happened and how it happened.


First thing you have to do is seperate what's what.

Okay the sex thing doesnt sound too appealing the way you tell it. But you are going to have to leave that out of the equation since it was before you and she has a mind of her own.

So the whole thing boils down to basic trust.

While I can certainly agree that it's in the past, she DID hide (maybe trickle truthed?) it from you and I can see how that might cause a lot of distress and make you question everything else.
Its not a good foundation to build on.

If you two are up for it, I think it's time to go see a marriage counselor and really work through it. In her mind she may not have done anything wrong but I'm sure it will come up in the sessions. If nothing else as a concern you express.

Remember you are trying to rebuild damaged trust.

if there is actually a good side to this, it's that I have seen couples grow together over much worse stories than this.

good luck!


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## turnera

And please try to keep in mind the double standard, which all women are all too aware of - men can go out and screw as many women as they want, and they're just doing what God intended. But when women have sex with more than one or two men, well, they must be sl*ts. YOUR woman KNEW this, knew that you would think this, and thus did not tell you. To be honest, MOST women 'clean up' their past for exactly this reason. The OW issue is indeed an issue. But not telling you or trying to put a better spin on it? She was protecting herself. It's what woman do, because of the double standard.


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## tech-novelist

turnera said:


> And please try to keep in mind the double standard, which all women are all too aware of - men can go out and screw as many women as they want, and they're just doing what God intended. But when women have sex with more than one or two men, well, they must be sl*ts. YOUR woman KNEW this, knew that you would think this, and thus did not tell you. To be honest, MOST women 'clean up' their past for exactly this reason. The OW issue is indeed an issue. But not telling you or trying to put a better spin on it? She was protecting herself. It's what woman do, because of the double standard.


Does the double standard make it acceptable to lie?


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## happy as a clam

Divorce.

Never mind the sex with multiple partners. She lied to you. Repeatedly.

Game over.


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## turnera

technovelist said:


> Does the double standard make it acceptable to lie?


That depends on the person you feel you have to lie to and how their actions contribute. And if it's necessary for protection.

It's easy to stand high in the clouds and say anyone who lies is evil or immoral or wrong. But in the real world, women ARE subjected to that double standard and are punished for it. and in the real world people lie all the time, for all sorts of reasons, large and small, but usually because of the known or perceived reaction of the other person. And if there's one thing women have learned over the tens of thousands of years they've been dealing with it, it's how to protect against that double standard.


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## tech-novelist

turnera said:


> That depends on the person you feel you have to lie to and how their actions contribute. And if it's necessary for protection.
> 
> It's easy to stand high in the clouds and say anyone who lies is evil or immoral or wrong. But in the real world, women ARE subjected to that double standard and are punished for it. and in the real world people lie all the time, for all sorts of reasons, large and small, but usually because of the known or perceived reaction of the other person. And if there's one thing women have learned over the tens of thousands of years they've been dealing with it, it's how to protect against that double standard.


In other words, you think it is acceptable to lie to one's spouse to "protect against that double standard". Thanks for clarifying that.


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## turnera

If he's abusive, absolutely. And therapists agree.


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## Nucking Futs

turnera said:


> If he's abusive, absolutely. And *therapists agree.*


And they're wrong to do so. If the spouse is abusive, _leave_. If they're too abusive to be honest with they're too abusive to live with.


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## EleGirl

Nucking Futs said:


> And yet your post excuses her for everything she did. This is something I've noticed quite a bit lately from you and several other female posters. You seem to have developed the opinion, and are pushing it vigorously, that no man should ever object to anything a woman has done sexually. Is that the attitude you intend to display?


You are crossing a line here...


In my posts I was only addressing the OP's question 



> How do I not worry she will do the same to me as she did with her husband of 20+ years?


She did not cheat on her husband. 

You apparently have a reading problem. I clearly stated that he had every right to feel as he does and that whatever he does, it's his choice.

Now exactly how is that: "You seem to have developed the opinion, and are pushing it vigorously, that no man should ever object to anything a woman has done sexually."



Elegirl said:


> You have every right to feel anyway you want about her having a bit of a wild time sexually.
> 
> So just make up your mind, either accept her with her past or do not.
> 
> If you accept her with her past, then base your life today on, well... your life today. Is she good to you? Is she faithful? Is she a loving wife? Do not hold her past against her.
> 
> If you hold her past against her, get a divorce now an move on.
> 
> Do not stay with her in this no-man's land where you will hold her past against her forever.


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## EleGirl

Nucking Futs said:


> And they're wrong to do so. If the spouse is abusive, _leave_. If they're too abusive to be honest with they're too abusive to live with.


You are right. If he thinks less of her because of what she has done in the past.. if she is afraid to tell him the truth because he is abusive... she needs to leave him.

No one should stay with a spouse who looks down on them. It never ends well.

And if he does look down on her, as he has said he does, he should leave her. 

It goes both ways.


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## Youngster

OP sorry you find yourself here, clearly this is troubling you. Generally speaking the past should remain in the past. In this case, your wife's lying and past indiscretions clearly outweigh this.

The sex she had and her relationships are for the most part her business. The fact she didn't disclose any of this to you is troubling. What bothers my the most however is that she was a OW. 

Let me say this again.....SHE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED MAN.

All this double standard talk is BS and has nothing to do with the fact she was a OW. Of everything you listed this shows who your wife is and what is the biggest problem. She has no respect for marriage, hers or others.

As far as the lying goes, according to some posters you should just write that off. I mean, being that she's a woman and with the double standard thingy she's incapable of telling the truth.

A lot of folks wouldn't blame you for pulling the plug on the marriage. If you want to save it insist she gets IC and you both need MC........good luck!


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## Nucking Futs

EleGirl said:


> You are crossing a line here...
> 
> 
> In my posts I was only addressing the OP's question
> 
> 
> 
> She did not cheat on her husband.
> 
> You apparently have a reading problem. I clearly stated that he had every right to feel as he does and that whatever he does, it's his choice.
> 
> Now exactly how is that: *"You seem to have developed the opinion, and are pushing it vigorously, that no man should ever object to anything a woman has done sexually."*


To address the part in bold, I was referring to the position you've advocated on multiple threads. And that's all that I'm going to say since



EleGirl said:


> You are crossing a line here...


it now appears that disagreeing with you may subject me to a ban. So congratulations, you win the debate by fiat.


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## EleGirl

Nucking Futs said:


> To address the part in bold, I was referring to the position you've advocated on multiple threads. And that's all that I'm going to say since


I believe that women and men should be held to the same standard in terms of sex and sexuality. If you disagree that there should be one standard for all people... well that's your choice.



Nucking Futs said:


> it now appears that disagreeing with you may subject me to a ban. So congratulations, you win the debate by fiat.


No where did I threaten to ban you. I have no idea why you seem so angry with me..


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## Nucking Futs

EleGirl said:


> I believe that women and men should be held to the same standard in terms of sex and sexuality. If you disagree that there should be one standard for all people... well that's your choice.


I don't disagree with one standard for both women and men. However, standards are individual. My standards are different from your standards. As long as I live up to the same standards I hold others to I see no reason for criticism. However, in thread after thread we see men who have low numbers being criticized by members here for having a problem when they find out their wife lied to them about having higher numbers.

However, in reading back over this thread to see where it says the OP holds himself to a different standard I see that some of the posts I had in my head coming from you were actually posted by Turnera. I apologize for my error.

Btw, if you're wondering about that same thing I'll save you some time: nowhere.



EleGirl said:


> No where did I threaten to ban you. I have no idea why you seem so angry with me..


There is a difference between a regular poster saying "You are crossing a line here..." and a mod saying it. I perceived it as a threat.


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## EleGirl

Nucking Futs said:


> I don't disagree with one standard for both women and men. However, standards are individual. My standards are different from your standards. As long as I live up to the same standards I hold others to I see no reason for criticism.


The same goes for anyone… Any should be able to express their individual standard here as long as it’s done respectfully. I was criticized/called out for expressing my opinion. What I did say was twisted to support the criticism.


Nucking Futs said:


> However, in thread after thread we see men who have low numbers being criticized by members here for having a problem when they find out their wife lied to them about having higher numbers.


I agree that no one should lie to the person that they are going to marry about their sexual past. If they don’t want to talk about it, then say so. If they do want to talk about their past, then talk about it truthfully. Then let the chips fall where they may. If a guy wants to dump a woman because he thinks less of her for her past, he is doing her a favor. It will most likely hurt her, but that’s life.


Nucking Futs said:


> However, in reading back over this thread to see where it says the OP holds himself to a different standard I see that some of the posts I had in my head coming from you were actually posted by Turnera. I apologize for my error.


That’s right. I said that he has the right to whatever standard he has.


Nucking Futs said:


> Btw, if you're wondering about that same thing I'll save you some time: nowhere.


I have no idea what the above refers to… 


Nucking Futs said:


> There is a difference between a regular poster saying "You are crossing a line here..." and a mod saying it. I perceived it as a threat.


I’m sorry if my wording bothered you. However, even a mod has the right to stand up for themselves when being accused of something they did not do or say.

Plus… if I was going to ban you I would have.


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## Nucking Futs

EleGirl said:


> The same goes for anyone… Any should be able to express their individual standard here as long as it’s done respectfully. I was criticized/called out for expressing my opinion. What I did say was twisted to support the criticism.
> 
> I agree that no one should lie to the person that they are going to marry about their sexual past. If they don’t want to talk about it, then say so. If they do want to talk about their past, then talk about it truthfully. Then let the chips fall where they may. If a guy wants to dump a woman because he thinks less of her for her past, he is doing her a favor. It will most likely hurt her, but that’s life.
> 
> That’s right. I said that he has the right to whatever standard he has.


Good, we are in agreement.



EleGirl said:


> I have no idea what the above refers to…


It refers to the followng: "...in reading back over this thread to see where it says the OP holds himself to a different standard..."



EleGirl said:


> I’m sorry if my wording bothered you. However, even a mod has the right to stand up for themselves when being accused of something they did not do or say.
> 
> Plus… if I was going to ban you I would have.


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## EleGirl

Nucking Futs said:


>


Why frown?


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## larry.gray

turnera said:


> In fact, most of the time here on TAM when it's a MAN being discarded by his WIFE, people here are cheering him on to go sleep around to get his ego back. Why is it wrong for a woman to do it?


While I've heard a few men cheer going and getting laid to feel better, I've yet to see one suggest going out and banging a married woman. 

You're taking it too far - hence you're making a strawman fallacy.


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## Dogbert

Tom44 said:


> and in the past several months I found out that the reality was that *she was separated, but repeatedly kept going back to her husband to try to work things out*- but that the two long term relationships she spoke of to justify being ready for me were actually 1- an affair with a married man who had no intention of leaving his wife- and just a lot of drunken bar hook ups with guy- including some group sex with him, his friend and random people from a bar. 2- another guy that she knew but picked up in a bar after drinking and slept with a handful of times over a few months- that she now just calls drunken hook ups. All of this was in between time with her husband who had no idea what she was doing.


I found this very telling about her trustworthiness in general.

If she had not done this and simply continued no contact with her ex-husband, until the divorce papers had been finalized, it would be a non-issue, thus no affair. But since that is not the case, she was simply a cake eater who was looking for the right guy to latch on to.


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## Idyit

OP, I did not read into anything you've written that you intended to use information about your wifes past to shame her. Nor did your words come off as abusive.You came across as needing some input, not angry. Even now you are questioning how or if you can reconcile what you're feeling. 

I can't tell you much more about how to reconcile your feeling than others have. Get some counseling of your own and if appropriate do some MC.

What I can say is that I get your confusion and angst. I read that you were attempting to back off and give her more time. To not become a rebound. She chose to misrepresent two long term "relationships" as her resume of stability. Now you must be reconsidering that stabiity..and honesty..and trustworthiness.

There is a bit of debate here on TAM about what/when/who should know something about one's sexual past. Your case does not in any way fit this argument. You were robbed of the opportunity to make an informed decision and now have to consider your sunk costs.

Get your head on straight through input and counseling, then make an informed decision about your future.

~ Passio


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## alexm

turnera said:


> And please try to keep in mind the double standard, which all women are all too aware of - men can go out and screw as many women as they want, and they're just doing what God intended. But when women have sex with more than one or two men, well, they must be sl*ts. YOUR woman KNEW this, knew that you would think this, and thus did not tell you. To be honest, MOST women 'clean up' their past for exactly this reason. The OW issue is indeed an issue. But not telling you or trying to put a better spin on it? She was protecting herself. It's what woman do, because of the double standard.


I get that there is a general double standard about these things, but I'm not so sure they're as prevalent as some think.

I'm pretty sure I would never admit to a new partner that I had group sex, let alone group sex with at least one married person. And I can't imagine my wife would be any less perturbed about having had group sex prior to our relationship than I would be if she had.

I asked her, totally off the cuff once, way back when we were first dating. I asked because I was interested, genuinely and truly, and nothing more. At that time, I did not inquire about that sort of thing in order to form an opinion on her, honestly. Had she said yes at that point, it wouldn't have bothered me in the slightest. I don't know why, other than we weren't quite that serious at that time. I was a very open person, so things like that didn't bother me. My wife is not an open person, so it has de facto changed me and how I view things like that. Go figure. Now, I wouldn't dream about asking somebody something like that, and I likely would dread the answer. I also understand full well now that any answer to questions like that may very well be lies, so there's no point to asking things like that in the first place.

It's a tough thing to do - get to know somebody like this. I would assume that the majority of people on earth who have an... interesting... past are not going to truthfully answer questions about it, and probably for good reason. Does it justify lying? I don't think so, personally, but that's their prerogative, isn't it?

For all I know, my wife has had group sex, has been an OW, hell, she may have even cheated on one or more of her partners. How the hell will I ever know unless it comes out at some point? These are things that she'd never tell me, especially when asked point blank. So I now know - don't ask these questions, you'll never be satisfied with the answer, no matter what the answer is.

And more importantly, be aware that most people aren't perfect angels and that things tend to come out over time anyway. Like has happened in OP's case.

There's really NO way around this type of thing.


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## turnera

In a perfect world, alex.

In MY world, everyone I know expects the woman to be more 'virtuous' than the man. And looks down on those who aren't.


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