# frustrated...



## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

ok, sorry to bother, AGAIN, but i need some input please.

i asume that some of you know my story, so i am not going to rehash it, it hurts to do that. 

any ways, i just got notice today that i am going to recieve a bonus for some patents that my company applied for on my work (i and two other people are the only ones on the patents) my problem is that if i telll my wife about it i am afraid that she will insist on spening it on things we don't need (namely getting the net turned back on at home) and that i will not be strong enough to say no. so, i was thinking that perhaps i should just not tell her about it and spend the money on getting caught up finacially (seriously, nothing extra for me or the kids just bills) but i feel like that would be to dishonest...

so i was thinking i would try to say it like "honey, guess what, we finally are going to get out of the hole!!! i'm getting that bonus for BOTH my pattents and it should be just enough..." {big smiles cuz it's a good thing} 

my problem is that i am afraid her response to this will be "sweet!, lets let _____ slide a bit longer and turn on the web." (note not a request, a statement) 

and then i have two choices: A) do it. B) become the bad guy who only thinks about money and doesn't care what she thinks and how she feels....

what do i do? the obvious answer for me is B (refrence my story) but i am affraid that it would set us back, and to be honest the longer i leave the internet off for waht ever reason (it really is financial) the longer she thinks it's of because i don't want to let her on the web....

it's so damned frustrating....


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

Sorry, verry long post.


well, i talked to my wafe and i told her about the bonus. ( decided to tell her as soon as i saw her after work on friday) and it went far better than i had hoped.

(before i tell you the hole story i should tell you this) i do not, at the moment, have my drivers license. i was in a car accident (it was not my fault.. but michigan laws....) i lost my license and due to financial problems and the fact that i previously felt the need to place her addictions and habits above all else, i have not been able to pay that bill and get it back... that's changed

any ways.. i got in the car with her after work and told her "Guess what? i'm getting my license back next month." she asked how in a really excited way and i told her about the bonus and how i planned to use it. she was happy. i was shocked!!!! 

any ways, it started a conversation that lasted all weekend. i told her that i had been ready to call it quits when i started this forum and that i was just fed up, she told me she knew.... she was glad to see that change in me and she was also very apologetic. 

we discussed the things she was doing that were driving me off and she told me that she never did those things... i told her she did and told her when and how she did it. she remembered some of them then (this was going back to my accident mind you) any ways it was a long talk.. in the end, she now realizes just how close her self destructive other personality had come to getting it's way and has asked me to try and fix the budget so she can go back to therapy. (she ended the therapy before, i was going to make that part of the budget for her no matter what) she will be starting therapy in two weeks, i think. and she has also asked me to remove all instant messengers from her laptop and the pc and also to block face book and some other sites when we do get the internet back on, she says she doesn't trust her self now ( she was crying and i held her) the thin i am worried about is that i wonder if it was a show, just ot get me to be more willing to turn it on sooner.. i told her i was going to leave the internet off for a while even when we could afford it again. i have been enjoying us being a family again and i don't want it to stop.. she agreed but i still wonder... 

any ways, as i said, this conversation went back to my acident and before. and i think i have mentioned how it just seemed like she did a complete 180 after my accidnet and she told me that she had been thinking about it and she thought "that my accident made her feel insecure as if i was not able to supply her security if i could be taken" i was floored but i just nodded and keped my face straight, she continued to tell me that she didn't understand that before and she told me i was a strong man for putting up with all the **** she has put me through in the last few years and i thanked her. we discussed a lot more than that too, we discussed the constant sugestive behaviors that would be followed by denial. we discussed the things that i am changing about me. and in the end it went well. but some where in there i also told her thtat if she regressed to where she was, if she started to neglect the kids and toment me again.. she was gone. i told her i loved her, but i could not allow her to torment us an longer.... that was the place she drove me too and i explained it to her and told her i forgave her, but i couldn't handle any more. she actually just apologized and said she was glad to here that i was "sticking up for myself" i thought to my self WTF!!! i have been fighting for two years and all you needed was for me to threaten to kick you out???? (that would not have worked then...) i know that it is a combination of her making changes and me making changes and both of us changing and (i think) growing together again, that is allowing us to actually talk freely to eachother again and still be happy to be around that person after wards. 

and you know what... she actually initiated love making friday night and didn't want it to end untill we were both ready to pass out some where around 5 in the am.... wow.. and saturday when i woke her up...  ... any ways... i made her a mix cd while she slept (she loves music, she says it is her soul) it was the story of our life together. i woke her with "good morning beautiful" playing in the back ground and i was singing it to her, she cried (and initiated ) ... i played the cd to her soon after that, she wept (again) and smiled and laughed and loved it.... it was 4 hours well spent. (yes, i was up 4 hours before her and no breakfast in bed

in short... we are making progress and thankfully, it is in the right direction.. we are talking again and actualy listening to eachother. i think that by being firm i have regained her respect in and i think that has a lot to do with it... but like nickleback says.."some things gotta go wrong, cuz it's feeling way to damned good" lets hope not but i can't help but fear it... so i just try to make sure i don't give a reason for it to go wrong.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

i also should add. previously, she had told me how controlling i was... well.. guess what... she admitted that it was a cop out and begged me to start taking control of the things i used to and start to run the house again (i have been starting to do these things again any ways but slowly so as to make sure there was no reappearance of the "you're controlling" argument) she told me she needed me to do it and she was tired of having to step in and "make the call" when things needed to be done (i had refused to do it, "i'm not controlling now am i" kind of aditude, wrong i know, but what else could i do, if i did things i as controlling....)

she promised never to let it get to that point again... i told her that all she had to do was give me honesty when i asked her opinion (because i always asked for her input be fore i made a big decision) and she would never feel like i was doning things with out her.... she agreed

WOOHOOO!!!!! she finally took back the controlling label  that actually means more to me then if she were to make love to me every night and every morning from now untill eternity.... i NEVER controlled her and i never would.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

ok sorry, as to the above post.... i should say that i never intended to control. because to be onest, i can see how me running the house hold and making sure things ran smoothly would have seemed as though i was being controlling. i tried to gett her input but, she never wanted to share her opinion so i did what i thought was best and never knew how she felt about it, so, that ment i couldn't consider her feelings in it until after the fact and her feelings were hurt and visible to me... (an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure - this holds true in so many aspects of life, i wish she would have allowed me the opportunity to prevent use an ounce of prevention) 

any ways... onward and upward... she met me for lunch today and it went great. we had some stuff to take care of at the bank since she wants me to handle any and all dealings with any person... (she hates public) and besides that she is, as she puts it, "sh*ty at math" so she picked me up with my daughter in the car and we went to the bank and, of course our finances are still bad.. she got up set, i reasured her that we would make it and we ate luch at taco bell (yes i know, our finances are bad so what are we doing eating out... some times she needs that when our finances get bad, like me showing her that i am confident that it's going to work out....) 

any ways it went great... we were out for two hours and had a wonderful time (good thing my boss is off all after noon) we talked and laughed and she couldn't seem to stop cuddling the hole time we were in the private little corner booth... i loved it, our daughter even noticed, i think.. (or maybe it's just wish full thinking on my part???)

she dropped me off after lunch and i made sure not to say any thing about being late because i noticed that in the past she had taken this to meen "how dare you make me late" wich i never ever implied. when she apologized for amking me late i continued smiling, and asked her "do i look like i'm upset? no, i had a great time, thank you" then i kissed her, tickled my daughters leg and did not say "i love you" i wanted to hear it from her first.. and guess what... she said it, franticly, it was like she needed to hear me say it more then any thing but it's better than nothing (i always make sure to say i love you to her any time i go away form her or my kids... if any thing dose happen, i want that to be my last words to them.) 

any ways... i'm rambling... sorry, i need/crave the release of emotions when i talk on here, it helps so sorry, if i have this in the wrong section but i just need to talk....

P.S. if a moderator thinks this belongs soem where else, then just move it, and please let me know where to find it


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

sorry... i just put that better in my head... it helps me to make sense of the emotions and the thoughts that i am dealing with and also, any one elses thoughts or advice or opinions are of course always welcome and appreciated

even the hurtful and hard to hear opinions, because some times the are the ones you need the most


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

my wife was out of her paxil for two days and got more yesterday. she is now suffering the affects of it re-entering her system after the withdrawals had started, so she was going nuts last night when i got home.

my parents called me at work to let me know that they would be coming over yesterday at around 5:15-5:30 so i called ahead and let my wife know (still no phone at home so i called the neighbor [her friend - the one i can't stand - but sheoffered the use of her phone if i needed to contact my wife during the day so she can't be all bad]) she was glad i let her know in advance but she told me "i am not cleaning the house when they give no notice and decide to 'pop in'" i was ok with that (they called me at 4:00 to let me know) and i told her "don't worry about it. we live there. it's not like the house will always be spotless lol" (i was thinking to my self "they never expect to see any sign that you clean, they'll be extatic to see it looking as good as it does" (i thought it best not to say that) 

when i got home she was so irritable and crabby (our three kids and the neighbor boy all going nuts ion the living room) so i took her out side to sit in the peeace and quiet... they all followed lol.. her and i went back in side and sat on the couch and i held her while she rested and calmed down... it lasted till my parents showed up... she had been calm for quite some time and was just enjoying me holding her 

my parents wound up getting there at around 6:30 ish (i should mention that this is the first time they have seen this house in the 6 months that we've lived there - they were openly rude to my wife and me in our old home even after my dad and i had a nice screaming match with eachother in his dining room that resulted in me telling him to "go F**k himself" and me slamming the door after apoligizing to my mother on the way out) {{{WOW, i should probably have started a hole new thread just devoted to the problems i have with my parents}}} 

any ways.. this was the first time we have had them over in some were around 8-9 months... and my wife used to run to the kitchen and separate her self from them when they came over (i expected her to again) i was very happy to see that this time she didn't!!! she greated them at the door and we both showed them the house and our new puppy (they hadn't seen him yet) and the we sat and talked at the table for almost an hour. my parents didn't say any thing wrong!!! and my wife was very open (that is never how she acts around them) we had a great night even though they got there so late.

after they left i made sure to tell my wife how glad i was that she didn't separate her self from us and actually stayed in the room. i wanted them to act up actually but they didn't. and i think alot of it is due to the fact that they are aware of her MPD and i have told them (my mother) about the side affects of it. but i was hoping they would so she could see for a change that i do and have always stick up for her against them and their criticism. (she thinks i just let them talk bad about her and sinse she used to be hiding in the kitchen she never saw that i was actually sticking up for her and puting them in their place when they opened their mouths. that led to her thinking that we were plotting against her every time we talked and so any time i saw my parents, in her mind, i was conspiring against her with them..... {sigh}) she was really happy when i told her i was proud of her for standing her ground, i told her, as i have in the past, "this is YOUR house, you should never feel like you need here! especially from them! they are my parents and i love them, BUT, i chose you, i married you, i moved away from them to live with YOU. you come first, NOT them." you should have seen her smile, you would have thought i nver told her that before...

after they left, her and i sat on the couch and talked and cuddled a little then we shared two slices of the chocolate pie i made on sunday (one plate, two forks, two slices) it was great. she was realy tired though. (due to the meds) and we went to bed at 8:30. i sat beside her stroking her hair as she fell asleep and i read my book till about 10:00 then i went to sleep too

now, night like this were the norm before hand... or so i thought.. untill she started to finally open up to me after dropping the "i don't hink i love you any more" bomb. so you can see how i was confused... any ways, i realy do think that it was all due to her MPD, that's not to say that i don't need to fix a lot of things (i do, and i know it, and i have) but being on her meds and being aware of her personalities had made it much better for her to cope with things. and also, we are finding out, that alot of our problems were caused perposfully by one of her personalities... she would tell me things and say she wanted me to do things, then when i was doing them, she would let my wife see that and to her it was like waking up to me.......... and she didn't like that but never said any thing.... so i never knew  oh well, that's in the past, moving beyond that.

i am waiting for the next "big fight" but so long as i keep loving her and including her, the next "big fight" will hopfully be rather small (and that would be huge - in a good way) 

hears to hoping and praying and making it work....


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

damn you've done some serious work on your marriage

you should be very proud of yourself.

and i'm glad your wife sees you for who you are and how lucky she is to have you around.

i wish you many days of peace and grrrrrreat sex! :smthumbup:


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

i guess you could say that i have been working very hard... but to be honest... i think that having the internet off is the big thing... she was addicted to it and used it to shut out every one (me, kids, life) now she doesn't have it.. she is forced to open her eyes and see the she realy never had a reason to shut them.

as for geting over the cheating.. that will take time.. and not having to deal with the whole internet problem (her addition and my trust of her not abusing it) is making it easier for me to show her what she has been missing... she missed alot due to her MPD and now that she is able to some what control it (being aware of it make a hell of a lot of difference) she is able see finaly.. fish i had know the problem 10 years ago when we got married... i would have tried to help her then... and, i would have been better suited to deal with problems she was having when they arose.... oh well... it may not be what i signed up for but i am happy to take on the resposibilities.. i love her too much to not do that... "in sickness and in health" right?


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

oh... and thank you


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

i have been thinking about the internet thing a lot since my last post... i am scared todeath about having it turned back on (still trust issues i think) and to be honest.. i am still waiting for the "i tried but just couldn't do it" speech..... 

i try not to think about hese things because i know it is counterproductive, but it's hard not too. i could make the argument that i am bracing for the "what if" in an attempt to justify my frame of mind but that would be a lie.. and worse it would be a lie to my self.. 

basically... i am scared sh!tless... this is the mother of my children, the woman i love, and the one person i trusted beyond all others. i don't know what i will do if she goes, i don't know what i will do if she stays, i am still so scared and confused that it's hard to function in life... i hide all that though, i keep it bottled in side and try to go on for my kids and for her and for me... but let me tell you, it sure would be nice to be able to go home one night and have that loving caring woman who would have sympathy and understanding for me... just once in a while, not often, but every now and then we ALL need some support... don't we?

any ways... i think i'm done now... just had to type some thing is all...


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

sorry, i guess you guys can see that i am having a bad day emotionally..... 

i am trying to be strong but even the strongest structure can only bare so much......


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

can any one tell me how you go about asking your wife to show you appreciation... i meen, does it realy even show any thing if you tell them you need to see it?

any ways, sorry, like i said bad day...


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Sorry to hear that you are having a bad day.

I would sit your wife down and tell her that you need her appreciation to be shown to you. She may not be understanding any of your needs emotionally right now.

Are you guys in counseling?


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

i guess i should be happy and not worry about little things like needing to feel appreciated... i should just be glad she is still here and being affectionate. but still it would be nice if some time down the road she started to show it....

any ways, sorry i am spending a lot of time thinking as my pc is doing the same... 

it's just so hard some times to carry on and i do alot better when i can be distracted from the bad stuff enough to atleast not think about how much it hurts... there are still times when i think that is would be better if i had actually died in that car accident (she shut me out like i had) and that just makes me feel worse for even thinking it... she needs help, i know that, and i am trying to give it... but there are times when i almost give up, when i almost throw it all away... then i get mad at y self for being selfish and continue to push through the days... the rewards for trying to be the strong one for this woman are few at times, nonexistant at others and plentifull eavery now and then.... and right now i am not sure i have all the strength it takes... she took alot of my strength and i have not had any time t recover from that before we found out the other problems, and threw a few more in there.... 

i am venting, sorry

i need to figure things out still... i lvoe her, i will not leave her, i am tryign to be strong, and unfortunatly, i do have the occasional break down... bare with me, i am trying, give me time to process every thing and work through it.... maybe after that, the breakdowns will end... i hope they do...

you know.. she did tell me some thing the other night that really made me feel like she appreciated all that i've done. first she apologized, and then she thanked me for "puting up with" her and told me i was a very strong man to have stood by her through all that she's done.... (huge statment i know) i told her, with a smile, that i love her, and so long as we wind up happy in the end, i wouldn't change a thing.... (not entirly true, but i think she knew that)

sorry to have carried on for so long... i just needed to vent and rant.. you know how it is... 

by the way, what i mean by showing appreciation is to go out of her way, just a little, and do any thing tangible, that says with out words, "thank you and i love you" soemthing physical (no i do not mean sex, but that would work too if it was presented as such) does that even make sense... oh hell i know what i ment.... any ways, thanks for listening, i hope i helped some one get a good nap.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

we were doing counseling, we had to cancel (money) it helped her a lot and it showed me that she realy was the main road block in our marriage allowing me to stop blaming my self so much, and not to mention this forum has been a great help as well.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

i was thinking about this and i feel i should add that my friend and co-worker has been a great help through all this and to make it better he has a degree in psycology so he actually knows his stuff.. 

he has been a great help to me in this


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

as difficult as your situation is, you have to see that your wife is making remarkable strides in healing herself and her marriage, and you are showing remarkable courage hanging on to your marriage.

again, i was in a very similar situation and i know the loneliness, fear, sadness, and just plain "can't take another day of this"-ness.

you've come this far, which shows you obviously want to fight for your marriage, but equally as important is that your wife is fighting too.

as for not being able to afford counseling, take a hard look at your budget; counseling could make the difference netween success and failure, and really, what is that worth in the end.

i know it'd be nice, hell, it would mean the world to you, if your wife made a gesture of appreciation.

but remember she's wrapped up in all of her 'stuff' right now, trying to sort out what happened, who she is, and all of that.

so forgive her for being a little self-focused and again right now that's a good thing because she's self-focused on saving her marriage.

and beside, thanking you for hanging in and telling you how strong you are, damn man, that's beyond wonderful.

hold onto that moment whenever you feel you can't take another step.

and know that with each passing day the odds are more and more in favor of your marriage being righted.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

Thank you Cloud.

honestly, i think i know that but still, it is hard to see it, at times. i mean, the pain and insecurity some times when i am having a weeker moment, can just cast shadows of doubt on every thing and when that happens... 

i know it is f'n awsome that she said what she did and i realy appreciate it!! but waht i am trying to say is: some times, with out a source of frequent support and appreciation (not constant, but a few times a week) it gets hard to keep your "eye on the prize" determination. 

i do realize that her being self focused is great and i am so proud of her for all the strides she has taken (i do make sure to tell her too) 

as for the finances.... we got into a bit of debt. (i was too week to stop her from putting us there at the time) the debt is substantial and if we do not focus all our resources on getting out of debt, then we will be finding a new home again.  i am slowly getting us back into the black but it will be a while before we are caught up enough to afford any thing beyond gas electric and house... 

ok, i blame er for the debt, because she made it. i did tell her know but at the time i was just scared and still in the "any thing for you" phase of the hole thing and wound up bowing down to her wants and placing them above our needs... bad idea, i know... but i am slowly fixing it.

any ways, i have come this far, i do not plan on throwing in the towel because of a couple insecure days (i don't let her see me that way any more, though i do let her know i feel it) i have worked hard for to long to let it go now that she has finally started to work for it. 

i am sorry for yesterday, as i said, i was having a realy REALLLY bad day (emotionally that is) and i needed to vent... (vent is to week a word, waht i really wanted to do was go out side and sccream till i was horse and then scream some more, but i didn't, i probably would have gotten fired if i did that in teh oparking lot at work...) thank you recent for making sure i kept it in perspective during my darker hours.

i can't say how much it means to me to have all the people here to help me through this, it is a great help. 

and there goes another day... so the odds are now what now... no.. don't tell me.... they seem good, so i'll just go with that


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

hoping said:


> Thank you Cloud.
> 
> honestly, i think i know that but still, it is hard to see it, at times. i mean, the pain and insecurity some times when i am having a weeker moment, can just cast shadows of doubt on every thing and when that happens...
> 
> ...


I understand the financial issues, but I urge you to contact some local churches or non-profit agencies in your area. They may be able to provide free or very low cost counseling services to you. Make a few phone calls and see what you find out. I hope today is better for you! We have all be in that wanna scream mood and I encourage you to keep posting here to vent.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

thank you. i will keep posting here to vent 

i will also look around for counselors that we can afford to see.

and i do see it as our debt. no matter who spent the money, we both have to get out of this hole. i am not holding a grudge just stating facts, the money was spent on her addictions (the "games", the net, ect, ect....) any ways, i tried to cancel these things several times only to have her say "if this goes so do i" and as i said, i was still in a place where i believed that was the case.... my bad..

any ways, to day is a much better day. she didn't really do any thing to show appreciation, but she did decide to laugh and have a good time with me and the kids for a few hours yesterday and we both cooked dinner together.... it was a good night  i think, it all has to do with her getting back on her meds and the side affects having to were off over a few days.... it's just that all those feelings of hurt and mistrust are still very raw and it doesn't tae much to send me spiralling back in those pits... but i tend not to fall as deep in with each time, as they are becoming fewer and fewer...  i think that means i am slowly getting over the hurt she caused me and is a good sign?


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

hoping said:


> thank you. i will keep posting here to vent
> 
> i will also look around for counselors that we can afford to see.I would take the approach that counseling is an investment in your future. The financial repercussions of a divorce are much more expensive.
> 
> ...


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

SE, i realixse that counseling is an investment, and it is one that i did make, the problem i have now is that it is either counseling or food, electric, heat, shelter for my wife and kids.. i chose food....ect. we are coming close to getting out of the hole and as soon as we are i plan on starting the counseling again... just a few months out is all 

as far as the bullying goes... i am not aking it any longer... i never even had to say it... i think it was the change in my attitude, she just hasn't thought she could....

also, thank you for the encuraging words!! they are really great to hear.
-------

i do have a question today... and it may seem a bit out of the blue given my last couple posts...

how do you breach the subject of needing to be shown more physical affection with out sounding like all you want is sex? i feel kind of bad saying it but i need to feel that... i am still very insecure about her and us and i need for her to show me that she meens what she is saying.... i need more then just cuddling on the couch saying nothing to eachother during a movie. i need/crave some sort of intamacy.. is this bad? am i wrong? i just feel like i need her to show it more and i don't even know how to start to tell her....

any thoughts?


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

oh, we are not part of any church, niether her nor i believe in "church" as it is represented in todays society. we do believe in god and in christ. but, the corruptions that both of us have witnessed has turned us off to the hole gather on suday with strangers bit of it.... it say to gather and talk with friends and family, we do that. that is our "church" 

sorry for any one who disagrees but i will not argue that point as this neither the time nor the place.

i will add though that i have been giving the idea of going back serious thought since this all started.


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## joevn (Oct 23, 2009)

Hoping: Kukos to you. You have toughness. And smarts (inventors usually are).

Use the church. They have services that will help you two pull together. I'm an analytical guy and I know about doubts regarding organized religion but don't let that deter you from using what they have to offer.

Write her letters, multiple letters. In some of those letters, drop hints in the letter ..."remember how you commented one time that you appreciated me doing XXX? That made me feel really good and those memories help me when I'm frustrated or have a hard day. I thought about it the other day and it helps me smile and so I want to thank you for that..."

That ought to let her know over time that her appreciation is important to you. No women want to marry to a stoic, stony man all the time. Be tough when occassions call for it and be a f*cking cold hearted executioner when you need to in order to protect your family. But when the armor plating doesn't need to go on, show her (and only her) your vulnerability and feelings and desires as a human being. And one of your needs (all men's needs) is to be appreciated and thought of as her knight in shining armor.

Have you read the book "The Wedding" by Nicholas Sparks. You may find many similarities with what you are facing.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

thank you. i will read that book and i will see if any of the local churches have any services that i can take advantage of. and as i said in response to your other post, i was inspired and i was going to do that today. (i was even going to use pen and paper as most of my previous letters were typed and i wanted this one to "feel" more personal) 

thank you for the reply, every bit helps to keep me going.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

oh and as for the hard exterior, i use that only when needed and i do make sure to lower it when i am dealing with her... my biggest problem was that i never put it up with her....


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Why not just tell her - I don't feel loved without sex - I need you to make the effort to have sex with me. 

And then explain that there is no substitute for this. And that it can't be linked to spending money on the net, etc. She has to do it, to be loving. If she wants to link it to anything you better be able to put up a cold hard exterior and tell her that even attempting to link those two things is not acceptable. 

Is she working? If not, and you are in so deep, why does she not work part time?










hoping said:


> oh and as for the hard exterior, i use that only when needed and i do make sure to lower it when i am dealing with her... my biggest problem was that i never put it up with her....


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

On the money front - what even slows you from saying - I am not going to trade stability for our kids - which is what these bills represent - for internet access. And I resent even being asked. 

She responds well to firm/strong behavior. Give her more of it. If she asks that question, and you use your brains and balls she will end up apologizing. And when she does you can graciously accept but don't go overboard. 

And I do bet she is holding out on you sexually because you are not spending the way she wants. And that is super dirty pool. I would not tolerate that and don't think anyone should. 














MEM11363 said:


> Why not just tell her - I don't feel loved without sex - I need you to make the effort to have sex with me.
> 
> And then explain that there is no substitute for this. And that it can't be linked to spending money on the net, etc. She has to do it, to be loving. If she wants to link it to anything you better be able to put up a cold hard exterior and tell her that even attempting to link those two things is not acceptable.
> 
> Is she working? If not, and you are in so deep, why does she not work part time?


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> Why not just tell her - I don't feel loved without sex - I need you to make the effort to have sex with me.
> 
> And then explain that there is no substitute for this. And that it can't be linked to spending money on the net, etc. She has to do it, to be loving. If she wants to link it to anything you better be able to put up a cold hard exterior and tell her that even attempting to link those two things is not acceptable.
> 
> Is she working? If not, and you are in so deep, why does she not work part time?


MEM,

I actually had this talk with her this weekend. It went well. i made it very clear that it had nothing to do with me getting any "extras" turned back on and that they would be staying off regardless, so that we could ensure a stable home for our kids. at least for the time being. she accepted this and she was understanding. she did say that she can't really understand my need (since she doesn't share it) but she doesn't need to, she just needs to understand that i need it. :smthumbup:

we had a good weekend though, we took the kids trick or treating and had a blast then we all sat around the fire place when we got home and had a great family time (kids jokes and stories and those silly child hood day dreams:rofl: ) and sunday we all went out and did yard work.

oh and i almost forgot. during that talk we had, she told me again that she was sorry for being the way she was and how glad she was i didn't give up on her. and how much she loved me  that was friday night. and yesturday (sunday night) she walked up behind me while i was working on the pc and leaned around to kiss me passionately.... i was surprised, she hasn't done that in years!!!! i pulled her into my lap and kissed her back then asked with a smile "what did i do to deserve that" and she just smiled and said "I love you" then kissed me again... it was wonderful. she sat in my lasp for a few more minutes while i worked with my free arm then she got up kissed me and went to her lap top to play a game.... (may be i should have followed, but i didn't want to seem desprate(?) or some thing)

any ways it was a great weekend, i truely think she is trying now, i am just wondering how long it will last or if it's genuine at all even. (i pray that it is)

i love this site and the people here, you all are so generous and caring to offer up such great support to total strangers. i hope that i will be able to do the same for some one else. thank you


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

I positively would have turned the computer off! I think it is really important to give your spouse undivided attention. The computers in my opinion can be very dangerous to your relationship just as it can to any of ours. Sure it is good to have "me" time too but I think with what I have read with your situation, pc's would be off 24/7 for me. I do think that moment you had with her was a nice sign from her and you should take it and run with it. Its the positive energy you need to fill your love tank up. 

I think you should read a book if you haven't already called the Five Love Languages. I keep hearing two significant languages in your comments that don't sound like their being met totally and that is why when she gave you some affection this weekend it lit up your spirits so much. Also, I would read the Love Dare too. You could try using that with your wife and see if it helps as well.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

thank you. i actually think it was a good thing that i did not pursue her at that particular moment. but, i did want to 

i will look into those books... i have a list going of the ones i need to look up and read.. i am going to the library this week to look.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

I talked to my wife about seeing if the local churches could offer any couseling services for us... her response was "are you sure we still need it? i thought we were doing good?" and " i want to go back to the other therapist when we can afford it, but, i don't want to start over again with all my 'issues'" (she hates talking about her MPD, i need to keep reassuring her that she is not "CRAZY/LOONEY" and that this, though not normal or common, is soem thing that can be helped and does not make her a freak) and "I hate churches, No way"

so... that option is out... lol that's alright though.. in a few weeks we will be fnancially stable again, so no worries


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

It's been a few days since i talked to her about church counseling and i guess she was right, we are doing pretty good i think. that is to say we are having far more good times then bad and she is and has been being more productive with her self. she also seems to feel a lot better about her self and me and the kids. 

but just to day i was reminded again that the wounds are still VERY MUCH there. we were in the car and she made an innocent comment and it struck the right nerve... she said some thing like "I'll love you forever for this" (i had just bought some thing at the gas station) and then she added "not that i didn't already love you forever" instantly, i wanted to calmly reply "just like you did during all those affairs?" (i can be quick with my tongue at times, but thank god i was quicker with my mute button and said nothing, THANK GOD!!) i just smiled though and said "i love you too" (beucz i do)

basically, i learned this today: i still have a lot of work to do on my self. because, she has been trying, and so have i. she hasn't slipped, she hasn't done any thing to cause me to be upset, she trying to do the things she used to neglect, (both as a mother and a wife) she has been trying so hard in the last month and i just still need to heal. i am NOT over it like i thought i was, BUT, i am finally on the road to recovery.

other than that, i have been thinking of her all day, i can't wait to get home and see HER and the kids. that is a feeling that forthe last year i had been faking... i'm not any more  well, i never faked it about the kids  lol

any ways.. this is getting long just had to say soem thing... thanks for reading


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Hi hoping:

I read all of your thread! You come along way...it seems like you are on a positive path. 

As far as counseling....if you have a local university call the psychology or counseling department (degree programs) ask if they have a place where there interns go to get hours. Many of these places are free. They are MS or Doctoral candidates.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

Thank you CP! i will do that ASAP 

yes we seem to be on a positive path.. no tsure how long it will last, but, i am enjoying it while it lasts and trying to make sure i do what i can to make it last. not much else i can do


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