# After 19 years, she left, I fell out of love, she came back. Can’t fall back in love



## lost-lately (Feb 17, 2013)

A


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

No one here can tell you what to do. That's up to you. But we can give you some insight.

You hardly know the OW. During the first 12-18 months of being "in love" our bodies produce brain chemicals that make us feel high and very happy. I'm not saying that the OW is not wonderful. But what you feel for her is mostly the normal human reaction to new love. The euphoria will fade at about the 12-18 month time frame.

It sounds to me like you and your wife have never learned to meet each others needs. Yes you did a lot to help out. But something was missing. And now she's in a good place and either she's not doing the right things or she cannot compete with the fantasy of a new love.

You say that you never really loved your wife and were just comfortable. That alone could have led to a deep depression for her. To know that you were not there with her on so many levels.

Unfortunately, your wife is not here to tell her side of things.

But what I do know is that whatever you do you need to get on board with it 100% with a lot of enthusiasm. If you cannot do that with your wife then let her go. Let her find someone who loves her.

And you can see if things work out with the OW. 

Either way, if you do not learn how to make a marriage work your relationship with the OW will not turn out all that well either.

Get the book "His Needs, Her Needs". After you read that you will know what you need to do no matter which woman who chose to be with. 

of course your wife might just give up on you. The choice is not 100% yours to make.


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

It looks like you tried to fall back in love with your wife but it didn't work. I'd stay stick with the OW for now, can't fight your heart because you will always be miserable regretting what could've been.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Was she seeing someone when she left you?


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## lost-lately (Feb 17, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> Was she seeing someone when she left you?


No she was not. She simply wantet to "find herself", take a step back and find ways, including therapy, to be happy with herself and then, only then she might be happy with her familly (our kids) and me. When she came back, in fact it was a "mission accomplished" because she found what was keeping her from being happy. So besides her flirt and couple of "dates" with that guy from her theather, and that was 7 years prior, she did not see anyone.

Thanks for you comments


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## Angus1985 (Feb 14, 2013)

*After 19 years, she left, I fell out of love, she came back. Can’t fall back in*

Have you ever seen the movie the Bridges of ******* County? It's not like it mirrors your story, but the point of it is similar. I say that you should go with the OW. A strong connection like you're describing is so incredibly important. Going back to the movie the regret that you might feel for not following your heart will eat at you for the rest of your life. And truthfully none of us are getting any younger. You have one life to live make sure it's happy! And is it fair anyway to stay with your wife if you cannot love her?


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

Here's a question for you lost...

If the OW had not come along and rocked your world, but everything else was the same, including your wife moving out and your dating others, would that change your decision right now?

I'm wondering if you can separate this into two separate issues: Your wife's long-term dysfunction and the crappy quality of life and marriage with her, and what you've felt/experienced with this OW.

Looking at them separately, do you feel that you would still be going down the separation and divorce road now just on the strength of what life with her has been?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

lost-lately said:


> No she was not. She simply wantet to "find herself", take a step back and find ways, including therapy, to be happy with herself and then, only then she might be happy with her familly (our kids) and me. When she came back, in fact it was a "mission accomplished" because she found what was keeping her from being happy. So besides her flirt and couple of "dates" with that guy from her theather, and that was 7 years prior, she did not see anyone.
> 
> Thanks for you comments


often when they say they need to find themselves ....it really means they have a romantic interest on the side and want to test the waters .....and then after the newness wears off they find that it wasn't what they thought it would be. and may even realise what they lost was much better than they thought.

and if the sex is better its because they tried all kinds of new sexual stuff with their new friend and when they come back they have some new tricks up their sleave.

I'd be saspicious!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

lost-lately said:


> No she was not. She simply wantet to "find herself", take a step back and find ways, including therapy, to be happy with herself and then, only then she might be happy with her familly (our kids) and me. When she came back, in fact it was a "mission accomplished" because she found what was keeping her from being happy. So besides her flirt and couple of "dates" with that guy from her theather, and that was 7 years prior, she did not see anyone.
> 
> Thanks for you comments


What did she find? Hate to say this but there might more to this stoy here. Ask her aboit it it if you can(she might lie though)..the lines about finding oneself are often found on this forum and more often than, it ends up that the spouse who said that is interested in someone else and moving out was out was actually testing waters..


Also, theater? did she work there? What did she do?


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## lost-lately (Feb 17, 2013)

Anubis said:


> Here's a question for you lost...
> 
> If the OW had not come along and rocked your world, but everything else was the same, including your wife moving out and your dating others, would that change your decision right now?
> 
> ...


Wow, thanks for your insight. Your question is good and my answer is, If my wife never left and I never met other women, particularly this one that I fell in love with, I would not be in this situation. I would simply fully appreciate who my wife became, how she found joy and happiness and is such a great person (now) after her therapies and her time alone. I was with her through thick and thin and although it was often a rough ride, I hung in there dreaming of better days. Those "better days" came along after she left and after I fell in love with another woman. Now, no matter how good and great she is and has become, I feel I have so much resentment that I can't appreciate it at all. In fact when we were back together, every time she wanted to approach me, kiss, hugs, take care of me, I preferred her keeping her distance (OUTCH, not good for getting back together and rebuilding you would say). 
So, yes, if I never met that woman, I'd be simply delighted of the way my wife is back and how she is with me. In fact, she is 10 times better than when I first met her almost 20 years ago. 

The problem here, even though the answer is clear to the question you returned me is that I cannot "erase" that OW. She is in my mind, heart and soul all the time. It's painful when I am not with her. It would be so simpler and easier if I could "erase" this and move on rebuilding with my wife as everything seems right and perfect but even I try very hard, I can't take her off my mind. 
I can't FAKE it and simulate as if she never existed. That's what makes this so difficult...

I just realised that I didn't answer precisely your great questions although I elaborated a bie more.

So, for yor first pertinent question "If the OW had not come along and rocked your world, but everything else was the same, including... would it change my decision right now. Absolutely! I would not even be in this situation, I'd be ALL IN with my wife and rebuild with all my heard and mind!

For your 2nd question: I think it's impossible to seperate them because I can't make it disappear and can't even simulate it. The feelings are there and I can't fake it or act as if they were not.

For your 3rd question: 

NO, I would not. At least I don't think so. To be honest, before she left after that rocky 7 years ride of me supporting her in her depression, every day I was wondering WHY I was stille there. So I guess it was a question of time before I would have left because I could not stand it anymore. However, if she had shifted before I would have made that kind of decision, I was still open to make it work with her. In fact, I was ALL IN and devoted to her and fully supporting her even if it was all 1 way with absolutely nothing in return. So if she did improve and I would have felt at least something going better it would have kept me hanging in there to eventually reveal a new wife (better and improved). So, for this question to, NO, I would not be in this dilema... I'd be invested with my wife.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Pehaps i need to get my self a tin foile hat ,or something. I dont know. But i cant help my self ,with my ability to see boogieman 
at every corner. With that said. 

Don´t you find it slightley odd. That your wife, really startded to treat you like crap nomather what you did.And you surlley upped the antie. Exactley seven years ago? A hint! After suposedly dumping ,the only wee kissed a few times OM?

You wrote

*-My wife had a depression during 7 years where I stood by her and gave all I had in a “One way relationship” Giving and caring with nothing in return, she only showed me resentment, carelessness..
-After 7 years of supporting her, she left
-I met another woman, fell deeply in love and connected like never before (it was mutual)
-My wife decided to come back after 5 months*

* my wife had the apartment’s lease ending in the next month and told me “I want to come back with you. I realised that I always loved you but could not see it and now I know that I love you, that you are the men of my life”*

Seven years of crap treatment, moves out.And one month left on the lease :she all of the sudden realise she always loved you?? Really?? And why is she so cool with the fact,knowing you´r hart i some else where??

What happend?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Do BOTH of you a favor, and get out of this unhappy union and go with your heart to the OW.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Jonesey said:


> Pehaps i need to get my self a tin foile hat ,or something. I dont know. But i cant help my self ,with my ability to see boogieman
> at every corner. With that said.
> 
> Don´t you find it slightley odd. That your wife, really startded to treat you like crap nomather what you did.And you surlley upped the antie. Exactley seven years ago? A hint! After suposedly dumping ,the only wee kissed a few times OM?
> ...



Her affair probably burned and crashed. The fantasy hit reality and couldn't sustain. The OM probably dumped her. The backup H who should be waiting for her like a puppy finally moved on.


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## gbonham77 (Feb 21, 2013)

she cheated on you, you have the right to leave her. tell her what you want


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Her affair probably burned and crashed. The fantasy hit reality and couldn't sustain. The OM probably dumped her. The backup H who should be waiting for her like a puppy finally moved on.



Sadly ,what you wrote it point´s at that direction


OP how are thing´s??


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