# Question for women who are bisexual



## lucyloo (Dec 3, 2013)

Are there any ladies out there who are bisexual, and married to men? 

How have you dealt with your sexual orientation? I had a very weird conversation with a lesbian on the weekend and shared with her my bisexual orientation. 

My husband and I have a pretty unconventional agreement in that he allows me to be with women, from time to time, so long as he is kept 100% in the loop. I would say my orientation is bisexual heteroamorous in that I am equally attracted to both sexes but only identify emotionally with men, so I don't seek out romantic encounters with women. 

I think it has happened less than 5 times in our 13 years together, but nonetheless he embraces my sexuality instead of forcing me to suppress it due to his own insecurities. I would give him the same freedom if the roles were reversed. (not looking for comments on the rules in our marriage, I know it is unconventional but they are our rules and I have no desire to defend or argue with someone who doesn't agree, please do not comment if you don't agree). 

Anyway, I was talking to this lesbian and shared with her these "rules" as it was a very friendly and open conversation amongst friends. It turned sour very quickly as she commented "I wouldn't feel my marriage is valid if I felt the need to be with anyone other than my spouse". My response to her was basically what I wrote above, in that they are our rules and I don't defend my choices, and that is her opinion. I thought it was odd she would even tell me that as it was quite offensive.

Anyway, are there any people out there who can relate?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I'm bisexual and we have a monogamous marriage. If you have an open marriage that works, that's great!

I personally don't want to have sex with anyone but my husband.


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## lucyloo (Dec 3, 2013)

Interesting! How do you deal with your bisexuality?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

It isn't something I feel I have to "deal" with. I'm totally sexually and emotionally satisfied by my husband.


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## lucyloo (Dec 3, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> It isn't something I feel I have to "deal" with. I'm totally sexually and emotionally satisfied by my husband.


That is nice to hear!


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## ASummersDay (Mar 4, 2013)

I'm bisexual and in a monogamous relationship with my husband. I don't feel the need to be with anyone but him. For me it's pretty much the same as anyone else in a monogamous relationship, whether gay or hetero. I may see attractive people, male and female, but I don't feel the need to have sex with them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

If an open marriage is working by your rules, great! I just don't see how bisexuality really has anything to do with that.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lucyloo said:


> Interesting! How do you deal with your bisexuality?


I would guess the same way everyone else deal with their sexuality, just with a wider range of options and temptations.


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## violet37 (Apr 8, 2014)

I don't find it odd that she reacted the way we did. I have two long term friends who are lesbians and they are actually very traditional in every way other than the fact they are lesbians. They have zero tolerance for anything but monogamy. What you have is just another version of an open marriage, something that many people in general will have a problem with, regardless of their sexual orientation.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

She was most likely offended that you were trying to relate your inability to be monogamous with her situation. Almost like you were saying that since she was a lesbian, surely she understands your open lifestyle and is a fan of it.


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## lucyloo (Dec 3, 2013)

Tasorundo said:


> She was most likely offended that you were trying to relate your inability to be monogamous with her situation. Almost like you were saying that since she was a lesbian, surely she understands your open lifestyle and is a fan of it.


I guess I didn't really think of it that way, but that's a valid point.


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## lucyloo (Dec 3, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> If an open marriage is working by your rules, great! I just don't see how bisexuality really has anything to do with that.


I guess because I feel and desire more than just one sex, it is something I will never entirely get from my husband, because he doesn't have a vagina. Although I am totally satisfied by him sexually, I am very attracted to women and that is something he has never wanted me to bury. It has always been his idea for me to feel like I can be with women, and he strongly encourages me to do so, although I do on a very rare basis because I desire him so strongly. 

I know it is hard for most people to understand, but honestly I think monogamy, for most, is unsuccessful. I know more people who have been victims of infidelity or are now divorced due to it, than I do people who have successful, monogamous relationships. 

I'm not defending or trying to say that open marriage is the only way to go, it would just be nice if people were a little more open minded to alternative relationships just as they are so blindly accepting of monogamy, only because it has been ingrained in us for so long we think any other way is "wrong".


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Since you don't feel romantic emotional attachments to women it is a much less threatening kind of open marriage arrangement you have. Your husband must believe you are getting an itch scratched but there is no chance you'll be interested in a close emotional relationship with anyone but him.

Presumably you having sex with other men, or him having sex with other women, is out of the question.


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## lucyloo (Dec 3, 2013)

Thor said:


> Since you don't feel romantic emotional attachments to women it is a much less threatening kind of open marriage arrangement you have. Your husband must believe you are getting an itch scratched but there is no chance you'll be interested in a close emotional relationship with anyone but him.
> 
> Presumably you having sex with other men, or him having sex with other women, is out of the question.


Correct: the key is that I feel no emotional attraction to women whatsoever. When I was single, I dated men solely, as I was after a lifelong relationship with a man. I am interested in women for purely sexual reasons, and it is on a rare basis at that, hence the term for "bisexual heteramorous". 

I guess my point is that the agreement we have avoids so many problems: dishonesty, lying, me hiding the fact that I am bi from him, affairs, infidelity. 

I know it is unconventional and doesn't make sense to a lot of people but it works for us because I can be honest about it and there is zero threat to our marriage at all. 

I have no desire to have sex with other men and same goes for my husband with women. It is just an agreement we have come to that is really successful and has always worked for us in our 12 years together. 

I just thought maybe there were others out there like me, but maybe not as many as I thought.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lucyloo said:


> Correct: the key is that I feel no emotional attraction to women whatsoever. When I was single, I dated men solely, as I was after a lifelong relationship with a man. I am interested in women for purely sexual reasons, and it is on a rare basis at that, hence the term for "bisexual heteramorous".
> 
> I guess my point is that the agreement we have avoids so many problems: dishonesty, lying, me hiding the fact that I am bi from him, affairs, infidelity.
> 
> ...


This really doesn't sound any different than any other open marriage that both partners agree to the ground rules. I'm passing no judgements, because it appears to be working just fine for you.

There are certainly others out there in similar situations, but probably not many, because most people do not want an open arrangement, regardless of the sexual leanings involved.

Myself, I am hetero monogamous. Regardless of the leanings of my female partner, I would not be ok with anything less than complete sexual monogamy.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lucyloo said:


> Correct: the key is that I feel no emotional attraction to women whatsoever. When I was single, I dated men solely, as I was after a lifelong relationship with a man. I am interested in women for purely sexual reasons, and it is on a rare basis at that, hence the term for "bisexual heteramorous".
> 
> I guess my point is that the agreement we have avoids so many problems: dishonesty, lying, me hiding the fact that I am bi from him, affairs, infidelity.
> 
> ...


I don't judge. What two (or more) consenting adults decide to do w/ their genitals behind closed doors is none of my -- or, more importantly, the government's -- business. I'd like to think that most people feel the same way.

I am curious, though...

OP, if your husband were to request that he be allowed to observe -- or perhaps participate in -- your sexual encounters w/ other women, would you consider it?

Conversely, suppose that your husband were to reveal to you that he himself is bisexual, and that he would like the freedom to engage other men sexually. How would you feel about this?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Or, how would you feel if your husband said he wanted to have sex with other women? Would you go along with that?


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

lucyloo said:


> I know it is unconventional and doesn't make sense to a lot of people but it works for us because I can be honest about it and there is zero threat to our marriage at all.
> 
> I have no desire to have sex with other men and same goes for my husband with women. It is just an agreement we have come to that is really successful and has always worked for us in our 12 years together.
> 
> I just thought maybe there were others out there like me, but maybe not as many as I thought.


There have been lots of different types of contracts between husbands and wives in the history of mankind. The mistresses have been everywhere in Europe for instance, and were 'normal' among the elite.

So you are not alone at all. Only in the modern societies the marriages out of love, and relations out of sexual habit, are becoming the norm.

There is no reason why polyamory, or other forms, could not be the next trend in relations.


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## lucyloo (Dec 3, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> I don't judge. What two (or more) consenting adults decide to do w/ their genitals behind closed doors is none of my -- or, more importantly, the government's -- business. I'd like to think that most people feel the same way.
> 
> I am curious, though...
> 
> ...


To answer your questions:

Husband has participated in the past, but that's a whole other topic and one I'd like to leave alone as it is unrelated to this post. 

In my original post I did actually say if the roles were reversed I would not only be fine with but actually encourage him to explore his sexuality as well, so long as he was safe.


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## lucyloo (Dec 3, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Or, how would you feel if your husband said he wanted to have sex with other women? Would you go along with that?


We've talked about this and he said my sexuality and exploring has nothing to do with a "tit for tat" type of deal. He has zero interest in being with other women. But we've talked about it and it doesn't interest him, so there really isn't any concern there or need for me to dwell on something he has no interest in.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

It sounds like you and your husband chose wisely in each other, because I don't think many people would be ok with this relationship, so kudos to you 

I still don't really see where being bisexual should necessarily warrent special consideration, or a free pass simply because one has an expanded base of attraction. I think your situation simply boils down to an open marriage with specific rules.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lucyloo (Dec 3, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> It sounds like you and your husband chose wisely in each other, because I don't think many people would be ok with this relationship, so kudos to you
> 
> I still don't really see where being bisexual should necessarily warrent special consideration, or a free pass simply because one has an expanded base of attraction. I think your situation simply boils down to an open marriage with specific rules.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I still don't really see how monogamy is the answer for billions of people around the world who are perpetually subject to infidelity and divorce, either. 

I never once said my bisexuality "warrants" me any kind of right to do anything. Everything that has happened in my relationship has been an agreement that has been discussed and agreed upon at length. If a relationship is not about that - honesty and open communication - I'd love to know what is.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

lucyloo said:


> I still don't really see how monogamy is the answer for billions of people around the world who are perpetually subject to infidelity and divorce, either.
> 
> I never once said my bisexuality "warrants" me any kind of right to do anything. Everything that has happened in my relationship has been an agreement that has been discussed and agreed upon at length. If a relationship is not about that - honesty and open communication - I'd love to know what is.


Whether monogamy or open marriage or your case, people in general have not the discipline to hold the agreed upon rules.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lucyloo said:


> I still don't really see how monogamy is the answer for billions of people around the world who are perpetually subject to infidelity and divorce, either.


The arrangement you have with your husband about this does not protect you two from infidelity and divorce any more than a promise of monogamy does for others. It's as likely to happen in your marriage as it is in a monogamous marriage.




lucyloo said:


> I never once said my bisexuality "warrants" me any kind of right to do anything. Everything that has happened in my relationship has been an agreement that has been discussed and agreed upon at length. If a relationship is not about that - honesty and open communication - I'd love to know what is.


If this is what works for you and your husband, then good for you.

If monogamy works for others, then good for them.

You asked for people's input. You already knew that most people do not handle non-monogamous relationships well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lucyloo said:


> We've talked about this and he said my sexuality and exploring has nothing to do with a "tit for tat" type of deal. He has zero interest in being with other women. But we've talked about it and it doesn't interest him, so there really isn't any concern there or need for me to dwell on something he has no interest in.


LOL... nice job skating


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

lucyloo said:


> I still don't really see how monogamy is the answer for billions of people around the world who are perpetually subject to infidelity and divorce, either.
> 
> I never once said my bisexuality "warrants" me any kind of right to do anything. Everything that has happened in my relationship has been an agreement that has been discussed and agreed upon at length. If a relationship is not about that - honesty and open communication - I'd love to know what is.


Very interesting perspective you have. You get the benefit of monogamy in that your husband is monogamous with you, and then you get the benefit of the open marriage that you get to live in having multiple sexual partners. I would hardly think you can't see the positives of monogamy. 

How about my example. My previous marriage was to a "bi-curious" woman who eventually torpedoed the marriage in order to attend to the curiosities. She is now a practicing lesbian, who states these days that she was always gay and just "pretending". Should I have simply celebrated her "sexuality". Incidentally, she also slept with several other people, unbeknownst to me. I should be thankful, I suppose, that she turned down long term emotional relationships with those she slept with in favor of the stability of the marriage with me. 

There is no need to defend your relationship here or elsewhere. What works for you two, works. But to insinuate that to question the relationship from an outside perspective is tantamount to insult, AND THEN to continue on to denigrate monogamy... well now that's a whole 'nother ball of wax. If you want others to keep their opinions to themselves, perhaps you should practice what you preach. Or let others prattle on about their ways and their superiority, and don't let the guilt of society not accepting your standards bother you.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lucyloo said:


> Are there any ladies out there who are bisexual, and married to men?
> 
> How have you dealt with your sexual orientation? I had a very weird conversation with a lesbian on the weekend and shared with her my bisexual orientation.
> 
> ...





lucyloo said:


> I still don't really see how monogamy is the answer for billions of people around the world who are perpetually subject to infidelity and divorce, either.
> 
> I never once said my bisexuality "warrants" me any kind of right to do anything. Everything that has happened in my relationship has been an agreement that has been discussed and agreed upon at length. If a relationship is not about that - honesty and open communication - I'd love to know what is.


The sentence I bolded in your opening post hold an aire of superiority, and paints those who would not be OK with letting their bisexual spouse sleep with other people of the same gender in a very negative light. This does suggest that you feel that since you are bisexual, you should be allowed that freedom, that it's a special circumstance. Personally, I don't think there is anything special about bisexuality or homosexuality compared to heterosexuality. Just boils down to attraction to different parts is all.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I do also find it somewhat dangerous, r at least self defeating in a way, and perhaps this is also why your lesbian friend was upset with you. One of the biggest hurdles gays have been working to overcome in search for equality is the mindset some people have that they are deviants. That they can't control themselves. That they are little gay rabbits wanting to bang anyone, anything at any time of their own gender. It really came off as if you were suggesting that your bisexuality was the reason you couldn't be monogamous, when in reality, you are simply not a monogamous person...has nothing to do with being bi.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lucyloo said:


> My husband and I have a pretty unconventional agreement in that he allows me to be with women, from time to time, so long as he is kept 100% in the loop.


I don't think this is "traditional" as per most marriages but what you are describing is essentially an open marriage and there while not the majority, are not uncommon. 

I have swam in the lady pond before but like you, have never been with a woman romantically/in a relationship. I personally am not into romantic relationships where it's a free for all-where each can sleep with whomever. It is not something that I would be into. I had a partner propose this once, an open relationship and I declined. But, if it works for you and your husband and you both have agreed to it, then there is nothing wrong with it as far as your own marriage goes.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> I think your situation simply boils down to an open marriage with specific rules.


This is it.



lucyloo said:


> I still don't really see how monogamy is the answer for billions of people around the world who are perpetually subject to infidelity and divorce, either.


Just because something works for YOU and your relationship, does not mean it should or does work for someone else. 



EleGirl said:


> The arrangement you have with your husband about this does not protect you two from infidelity and divorce any more than a promise of monogamy does for others. It's as likely to happen in your marriage as it is in a monogamous marriage.


Nailed it. Anyone can cheat at anytime.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

lucyloo said:


> We've talked about this and he said my sexuality and exploring has nothing to do with a "tit for tat" type of deal. He has zero interest in being with other women. But we've talked about it and it doesn't interest him, so there really isn't any concern there or need for me to dwell on something he has no interest in.


But as you said, you feel monogamy doesn't often work. So how will you feel when you husband does come upon a woman he would like to be with. Are you OK with his exploration of his sexually with someone else with or without your approval or knowledge?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, if you are happy in your marriage and your arrangements work for you and your husband, why do you seek out validation from your friend or others?

Seems like, perhaps you have some concerns or issues with it?

If you are happy, live on, who cares what other people think.


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## lucyloo (Dec 3, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> The arrangement you have with your husband about this does not protect you two from infidelity and divorce any more than a promise of monogamy does for others. It's as likely to happen in your marriage as it is in a monogamous marriage.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You're right!


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## lucyloo (Dec 3, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> LOL... nice job skating


This thread isn't about my husband being with other women, so I don't know why people continue to bring it up. As I have said, and will say again, he has zero interest in being with other women. That just happens to be his current preference. This was not the case in the past, and as I alluded, we shared some experiences together.


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## lucyloo (Dec 3, 2013)

ET1SSJonota said:


> Very interesting perspective you have. You get the benefit of monogamy in that your husband is monogamous with you, and then you get the benefit of the open marriage that you get to live in having multiple sexual partners. I would hardly think you can't see the positives of monogamy.
> 
> How about my example. My previous marriage was to a "bi-curious" woman who eventually torpedoed the marriage in order to attend to the curiosities. She is now a practicing lesbian, who states these days that she was always gay and just "pretending". Should I have simply celebrated her "sexuality". Incidentally, she also slept with several other people, unbeknownst to me. I should be thankful, I suppose, that she turned down long term emotional relationships with those she slept with in favor of the stability of the marriage with me.
> 
> There is no need to defend your relationship here or elsewhere. What works for you two, works. But to insinuate that to question the relationship from an outside perspective is tantamount to insult, AND THEN to continue on to denigrate monogamy... well now that's a whole 'nother ball of wax. If you want others to keep their opinions to themselves, perhaps you should practice what you preach. Or let others prattle on about their ways and their superiority, and don't let the guilt of society not accepting your standards bother you.


Well that happens to be your experience, one that is unique. Sorry it did not end well for you. 

And you're right, perhaps I did come off as though I was denigrating monogamy, that was not my intention. Your last line hit the nail on the head: 

_Or let others prattle on about their ways and their superiority, and don't let the guilt of society not accepting your standards bother you._

For some reason, I've felt the need recently to "open up" and be more honest about who I am as a person with my friends and others around me. This has been coming back to me more negatively than positively. I guess it just surprises me that most still struggle with the unconventional. So what do I do...continue keeping it to myself? I have for 15 years...I guess it's no big deal to keep doing so.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lucyloo said:


> So what do I do...continue keeping it to myself?


That is up to you. It is your life. So far, you have chosen to keep it to yourself and that is your choice--whether to keep doing so or not.


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## lucyloo (Dec 3, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> The sentence I bolded in your opening post hold an aire of superiority, and paints those who would not be OK with letting their bisexual spouse sleep with other people of the same gender in a very negative light. This does suggest that you feel that since you are bisexual, you should be allowed that freedom, that it's a special circumstance. Personally, I don't think there is anything special about bisexuality or homosexuality compared to heterosexuality. Just boils down to attraction to different parts is all.


That was not intended to come off as superior at all....it is generally the reaction we have observed, with wives expressing interest in being with women (being bisexual I have a lot of friends with the same orientation, both single and married) and more often than not the male is very threatened. It is an insecurity that their wife will "leave them", and I guess that is warranted because it does, and can happen. 

No, I don't think I deserve a special circumstance because of my sexuality. But I also don't think I should bury a part of who I am. I liken my sexuality to any other aspect of my personality. If my husband didn't embrace it, we likely wouldn't work as a couple.


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## lucyloo (Dec 3, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> I do also find it somewhat dangerous, r at least self defeating in a way, and perhaps this is also why your lesbian friend was upset with you. One of the biggest hurdles gays have been working to overcome in search for equality is the mindset some people have that they are deviants. That they can't control themselves. That they are little gay rabbits wanting to bang anyone, anything at any time of their own gender. It really came off as if you were suggesting that your bisexuality was the reason you couldn't be monogamous, when in reality, you are simply not a monogamous person...has nothing to do with being bi.


You're totally right and not the first person who has pointed this out to me. I guess my thinking was that because of all the hurdles gay people have had to overcome - maybe they would be more accepting of alternative/unconventional practices? 

That was really the only reason I was surprised by her reaction...not because I think gay people can't keep their hands to themselves.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lucyloo said:


> But I also don't think I should bury a part of who I am.


Nobody is saying you should bury it. 

Do what works for you. But do not assume that what works for you may work for others or that your way is somehow better (which is kind of how your post comes across, eventhough I know you said you did not mean it that way--it reads that way).


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## lucyloo (Dec 3, 2013)

Abc123wife said:


> But as you said, you feel monogamy doesn't often work. So how will you feel when you husband does come upon a woman he would like to be with. Are you OK with his exploration of his sexually with someone else with or without your approval or knowledge?


Well to date in our 13 years together this has never been an issue...so I don't really know how this is relevant.


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## lucyloo (Dec 3, 2013)

DoF said:


> OP, if you are happy in your marriage and your arrangements work for you and your husband, why do you seek out validation from your friend or others?
> 
> Seems like, perhaps you have some concerns or issues with it?
> 
> If you are happy, live on, who cares what other people think.


Because I am human and want to feel like I can relate to someone, I guess? 

That's really all I was after. While the responses have been really positive, constructive and helpful...it made me realize that in fact I am a minority and should realize that what works for me doesn't work for everybody...neither is right/wrong or better than the other. And I never intended to come across as "better than", so I apologize if I did. I was really just looking for people who might have been in similar situations, that's all.


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## lucyloo (Dec 3, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Nobody is saying you should bury it.
> 
> Do what works for you. But do not assume that what works for you may work for others or that your way is somehow better (which is kind of how your post comes across, eventhough I know you said you did not mean it that way--it reads that way).


Well that was not my intention and I apologize to anybody else who felt the same way.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lucyloo said:


> That was not intended to come off as superior at all....it is generally the reaction we have observed, with wives expressing interest in being with women (being bisexual I have a lot of friends with the same orientation, both single and married) *and more often than not the male is very threatened. It is an insecurity that their wife will "leave them"*, and I guess that is warranted because it does, and can happen.
> 
> No, I don't think I deserve a special circumstance because of my sexuality. But I also don't think I should bury a part of who I am. I liken my sexuality to any other aspect of my personality. If my husband didn't embrace it, we likely wouldn't work as a couple.


For me and my monogamous nature, it's not about feeling threatened or insecure...more like I am just not good at sharing. In fact, I don't like sharing at all, emotionally or physically. I'm selfish like that.

I also think that using words such as "threatened" or "insecure" in such a pejorative way is not helping you here. It reeks of dismissal, which in turn leads to the sense of superiority many of s a re feeling from you. To call someone insecure, or suggest that they are threatened, simply because they have a strong counter view to yours is actually a bit offensive.

As I have said before, I think you did a great job in selecting a partner for yourself. This bodes well for your future.


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## lucyloo (Dec 3, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> For me and my monogamous nature, it's not about feeling threatened or insecure...more like I am just not good at sharing. In fact, I don't like sharing at all, emotionally or physically. I'm selfish like that.
> 
> I also think that using words such as "threatened" or "insecure" in such a pejorative way is not helping you here. It reeks of dismissal, which in turn leads to the sense of superiority many of s a re feeling from you. To call someone insecure, or suggest that they are threatened, simply because they have a strong counter view to yours is actually a bit offensive.
> 
> As I have said before, I think you did a great job in selecting a partner for yourself. This bodes well for your future.


I really think this all comes down to perspective. I used the terms "insecure" and "threatened" based on an example I shared - what I have myself in fact observed over and over again based on women who are in my exact position and have spouses who are not ok with them exploring their sexuality. 

Does that mean that is the case across the board? No. Nor do I think anybody in this thread is insecure or threatened because they are monogamous. Those terms were shared based on my personal experience. I am sure there are an infinite number of reasons why people choose to be monogamous.

And yes, I do believe I am very lucky to have the husband I do, for far more than just this arrangement.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I don't understand that if a bi sexual woman marries a man, just because she's bi she should have the right to go sleep with a woman just to get the urge out of her system.

I was married twice and I saw really good looking women and wouldn't mind climbing between the sheet with them because I found them sexy doesn't give me the right to go off and have an affair with them.

Now if the husband doesn't care or mind is a different situation but just because you bi isn't an excuse to have a free pass when the urge comes on.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lucyloo said:


> You're totally right and not the first person who has pointed this out to me.* I guess my thinking was that because of all the hurdles gay people have had to overcome - maybe they would be more accepting of alternative/unconventional practices? *
> 
> That was really the only reason I was surprised by her reaction...not because I think gay people can't keep their hands to themselves.


And see, many gays have faced the assumption that they ARE more open and accepting of alternate lifestyles simply because they have different attractions than others. That is why being gay has been paralleled with pedophilia, bestiality, and other alternate lifestyles.

As a whole, they are no more or less open or closed than hetero sexuals. Why do you think some of us have been fighting so hard for gays to have the equal right to monogamous marriage? Because gays have the SAME feelings and desires in relationships that heteros have. They truly aren't any different.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I guess I find this confusing:



lucyloo said:


> While the responses have been really positive, constructive and helpfu*l...it made me realize that in fact I am a minority *and should realize that what works for me doesn't work for everybody...neither is right/wrong or better than the other.


Because then you later go on to say:



lucyloo said:


> I know it is hard* for most people* to understand, but honestly I think monogamy, *for most,* is unsuccessful.
> 
> I'm not defending or trying to say that open marriage is the only way to go, it would just be nice if people were a little more open minded to* alternative relationships*





lucyloo said:


> I still don't really see how monogamy is the answer* for billions of people *around the world





lucyloo said:


> _Or let others prattle on about their ways and their superiority, and don't let* the guilt of society* not accepting your standards bother you._
> 
> I guess* it just surprises me that most* still struggle with the unconventional. So what do I do...continue keeping it to myself? I have for 15 years...


It just seems hard to believe that you have realized that you are the "minority" when you make mention of how most people don't do as you do and/or use all the other terms you did. it seems you have "buried it for 15 years" as you said because of the fact that you feel you are a minority; it is not like it is some big realization or something.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

lucyloo said:


> Because I am human and want to feel like I can relate to someone, I guess?
> 
> That's really all I was after. While the responses have been really positive, constructive and helpful...it made me realize that in fact I am a minority and should realize that what works for me doesn't work for everybody...neither is right/wrong or better than the other. And I never intended to come across as "better than", so I apologize if I did. I was really just looking for people who might have been in similar situations, that's all.


It may be what works for you, not everyone is going to accept it as being just fine. If you ask or bring it up, others will voice their opinions. 

Most people view marriage as a commitment to their spouse and think monogamy is expected. That is not what you think and you are coming across as viewing those not agreeing with your choice as not being enlightened. If you ask or tell others about your lifestyle, don't expect everyone else to think that not being monogamous is morally fine. Most vows include the "forsaking all others" whether you are heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual. 

It is what it is - you and your husband have an arrangement that works for you but don't expect all others to think it is morally OK.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Abc123wife said:


> It us what it is - you and your husband have an arrangement that works for you but don't expect all others to think it is morally OK.


:iagree:

Live and let live.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

Consider the approach you are using. If your partner wanted monogamy, to you, that would be "burying" yourself. I can't remember if you stated specifically or not, but it sounds like your partner is being monogamous to you, unless he's "invited" into bed with you and your extra partners. He has urges as well, whether you want to believe him or not, he simply chooses to ignore/suppress them. That is absolutely his choice, but recognize that it is society "burying" his sexuality as well. In his case, for YOUR benefit.

If we measured the "goodness" of all things by the percentage of people that satisfactorily performed them, there would be a very small list of "good" things in the world. As a species, we humans tend to have a great many failings, not the least of which is comprehending others and having empathy for their situations. Monogamy is an ideal, to most a good one, whether or not 4 out of 5 of our neighbors fail miserably at it. So is schooling for inner city schools, even if a high percentage of them fail out of it. So is honesty, even if so many of us lie on occasion. See what I'm getting at?


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Lucyloo, I am just a little curious after having looked at a few of your recent posts. I got the impression that your husband was fine and accepting of your arrangement, but you post about what might be considered verbal abuse and state "The icing on the cake was when he discovered the packaging from a bikini I purchased for an upcoming girls only trip to Las Vegas. I purchased a thong bikini, something I have owned and worn before plenty of times in the past. I elected not to show him, as I knew he would lace into me about what a "*****" or "****" I am. Sure enough, he brought it up and said only porn stars wear thongs and that I'm such a ***** for even wanting to wear one. I'm a faithful wife, enjoying my body, and feel every right to wear what I choose to. I am not gallivanting around naked, nor am I looking for attention."

So are you sure he doesn't have any issues with your hookups with females? And in your post, how are you defining "faithful" wife? Do you only consider sex with other men as being unfaithful, but as long as you only have sex with other women outside your marriage, you are being faithful?


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## lucyloo (Dec 3, 2013)

ET1SSJonota said:


> Consider the approach you are using. If your partner wanted monogamy, to you, that would be "burying" yourself. I can't remember if you stated specifically or not, but it sounds like your partner is being monogamous to you, unless he's "invited" into bed with you and your extra partners. He has urges as well, whether you want to believe him or not, he simply chooses to ignore/suppress them. That is absolutely his choice, but recognize that it is society "burying" his sexuality as well. In his case, for YOUR benefit.
> 
> If we measured the "goodness" of all things by the percentage of people that satisfactorily performed them, there would be a very small list of "good" things in the world. As a species, we humans tend to have a great many failings, not the least of which is comprehending others and having empathy for their situations. Monogamy is an ideal, to most a good one, whether or not 4 out of 5 of our neighbors fail miserably at it. So is schooling for inner city schools, even if a high percentage of them fail out of it. So is honesty, even if so many of us lie on occasion. See what I'm getting at?


Great perspective!!

I never really looked at my husband having to "bury" his urges since he is attracted to women and has full access to me at all times. I don't want to get into the details of our "agreement" any further than I have already shared but suffice it to say he is taken care of - having been present and participated at almost all of my exploits...so I don't really think he is complaining or unhappy with our agreement at all.


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## lucyloo (Dec 3, 2013)

Abc123wife said:


> Lucyloo, I am just a little curious after having looked at a few of your recent posts. I got the impression that your husband was fine and accepting of your arrangement, but you post about what might be considered verbal abuse and state "The icing on the cake was when he discovered the packaging from a bikini I purchased for an upcoming girls only trip to Las Vegas. I purchased a thong bikini, something I have owned and worn before plenty of times in the past. I elected not to show him, as I knew he would lace into me about what a "*****" or "****" I am. Sure enough, he brought it up and said only porn stars wear thongs and that I'm such a ***** for even wanting to wear one. I'm a faithful wife, enjoying my body, and feel every right to wear what I choose to. I am not gallivanting around naked, nor am I looking for attention."
> 
> So are you sure he doesn't have any issues with your hookups with females? And in your post, how are you defining "faithful" wife? Do you only consider sex with other men as being unfaithful, but as long as you only have sex with other women outside your marriage, you are being faithful?



I am certain the bikini issue was completely outside of the bisexuality issue because my being bisexual never came up in our conversation. He simply does not have a problem with it. The problem is the attention he is concerned I may get from men when wearing it, attention I am not seeking or looking for. 

I am a faithful wife to him based on our arrangement, rules and guidelines we have set in our marriage. My being with women falls within what is allowable in our marriage, including him being welcomed into these pursuits as well. I don't seek, look for or have relations with men. Everything and anything I do or have done with women has been discussed at length and he has always been 100% in the know.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

What is the thinking on introducing STDs into your family. That is very much a real risk. Some cannot be cured and some can be fatal. Marriage does have its commitments, but whatever...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So as long as your husband doesn't have any emotional connections you're alright with him satisfying wishes that you don't want to provide with someone else? Or is your arrangement another of the selfish one way street types we always hear about?


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I do think that sexual orientation is on a scale as Kinsey theorized it to be and I think I lean mostly towards straight. I can appreciate the female form but don't ever want to perform cunnilingus on another woman... nor do I want to spend much time looking at or touching other woman's nether regions... God bless my gynecologist, I know I couldn't do that all day lol.

However, I did spend a lot of time in the LGBT community when I was younger - as an outsider and mostly because the one and only Gay bar in town didn't card and I was an underage, rebellious teenager who wanted to drink. ETA: Talk about a fun and safe night out. Everyone new I was straight, there was no worries about being harassed by men and the women knew I wasn't interested. So I have a lot of friends from that time who are Gay, Lesbian or Bisexual and not one of them is in an open relationship or for those who got married, (I'm Canadian), marriage.

Like others have said and OP has concurred, her desire for open marriage has nothing to do with being Bi. As a weakly related example, I look at racial preference. Some people prefer to date/marry strictly within their race. I on the other hand, have no such preference and have dated both within and outside my race and am attracted to attractive people from any background. However, I couldn't say that this attraction was the cause of my choice for being in an open marriage if I was in one.

I think OP is in an open marriage because she wants to be in an open marriage. The why's don't seem to matter. If hubby is okay with it, then I'm not judging. I know I'm just too sexually possessive though for it to work for me though.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Q tip said:


> What is the thinking on introducing STDs into your family. That is very much a real risk. Some cannot be cured and some can be fatal. Marriage does have its commitments, but whatever...


This would be my primary concern with this arrangement as well......not that I would ever agree to it to begin with. 

But still, how do you protect yourself? And is it even worth it/enjoyable when you actually do?

List of STDs is long and some only require a kiss.....


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