# Wife's affair ended 15 yrs ago Hurts bad



## brokenheartedman (Apr 17, 2010)

I just found out my wife had an affair that ended 15 years ago when she was fired. That is the only reason it ended. She was actually giving them the only thing that was special between us. Oral. She had never even done this till we got together and that what makes it hurt so bad. She was doing this daily for almost 4 years. She seems to be truly remorseful but I am not sure I want to continue because I feel the only reason there have not been more is because of no opportunity. There have been other online EA's through the years so this has me concerned. 
Part of me wants to stay but in my heart I think it is over.


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## hurtbyher (Nov 19, 2009)

Wow I feel for ya. The 15 yr ago thing is bad. What kind of pearson was she them? I am sure much younger and probably not thinking right at the time. If she had been good since I would say try to forgive. The continuing EA's means she is still at it. That makes things harder in my opinion. I know the hurt you are feeling. It is very painfull. If you love her and she loves you. Talk about it. Tell he you need her total attention and any contact what so ever would result in you leaving for good. She needs to be open and honest. She needs to share her passwords to her internet sites and emails. She should be ok with this. If not she is still hiding it.. Good luck I wish you well.


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## brokenheartedman (Apr 17, 2010)

The part that makes me sick is that I kissed her when she got home after doing this. She says she has changed but I have heard that before. She says she has always loved me but that is not the kind of love I want or need.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She's a sex addict. Count your losses and move on.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

So sorry to know what you're going through. 

You indicate why the affair stopped, but do you know the reasons why she started the work affair 15 years ago. I think another important factor is how recent were the EAs and again why did she go down this route?

Arethe reasons for the affairs things that have been fixed or can be fixed in the future and do you think you will eventually be able to rebuild the trust? 

Once you have explored all this I think you will be better placed to know whether or not to end things now, try to save the marriage, or have a trial separation.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Advocado said:


> You indicate why the affair stopped, but do you know the reasons why she started the work affair


Not sure if I made myself clear in my earlier post but I was thinking along the lines of why someone would even think about going outside the marriage. For example if someone is unhappy with their marriage, or maybe resentful about something, justifiably or not, they may be open to taking up the opportunity of having an affair/seek out an affair. On the other hand if they are contented at home they are unlikely to seek out an affair, and are likely to successfully resist if someone were to pursue them to start an affair. 

If it is possible for you to be clear about why she went outside the marriage, you can hopefully assess if that "risk" is still present. 

So I'm going on the theory that she would not have strayed if she felt happy at home. (Please note that is not to say you are necessarily to blame if she wasn't contended with the marriage.) Of course my theory could be totally wrong! Some women are just not "one man women" and some men are just not "one women men" in which case no matter the state of the marriage, they will look elsewhere.

I too wish you well.


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## brokenheartedman (Apr 17, 2010)

Even though she said she had feelings for one of them once she was fired there was no more contact between them. 
Since that time she has only had one other time she kissed someone but has had trouble with EA's on the internet. 
Part of me wants to run and part of me wants to stay but when I think of staying I get sick and think that then I let her get away with it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Does she want to stay married to you?

If so, tell her that you will stay with her on one condition: you continue to have access to ALL her online activity, as well as her phone/text records, whenever you ask for it.


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## brokenheartedman (Apr 17, 2010)

She really wants to stay married but the act she did with these men daily is something that she had only done with me prior to this so it makes it even harder. Since she learned how to do this with me and then used it against me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The point is, YOU have the control here.

You can tell her that she either agrees to your requirement of total transparency, so that you can learn to trust her again, or you will divorce. Period.


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## brokenheartedman (Apr 17, 2010)

Even though part of me wants to stay I don't know if I can live with the thought of what she gave away and for how long it lasted. I told her life would not be better without her but I don't know if it will be better with her either. The memories will kill me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then leave.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Doesn't anyone think it's important to find out why she isn't content and satisfied within the marriage? If I was in your shoes Brokenheartedman I'd want to know. I don't think I could contemplate staying with someone if I didn't know, but that's just me.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

brokenheartedman said:


> She really wants to stay married but the act she did with these men daily is something that she had only done with me prior to this so it makes it even harder. Since she learned how to do this with me and then used it against me.


I'm thinking would it make a difference to you if she had had an affair but had not carried out that particular act, and did she consciously know how much doing that in particular would hurt you. 

It's difficult when we share an experience with someone that we ourselves hold very sacred and they don't feel the same way, but I guess that what is sacred to one isn't necessarily sacred to the other person. Maybe there is something she holds as sacred which you do not. Please don't get me wrong as I'm NOT saying if it was not sacred to her then it was alright for her to do it. But just pondering if this was a conscious decision on her part to hurt you, or was it just part and parcel of the affairs anyway.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Doesn't anyone think it's important to find out why she isn't content and satisfied within the marriage? If I was in your shoes Brokenheartedman I'd want to know. I don't think I could contemplate staying with someone if I didn't know, but that's just me


I think this is EXTREMELY important - if just for the knowledge that you gain in order to avoid it in the future. It should be a primary focus of any work done.


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## brokenheartedman (Apr 17, 2010)

All she can remember is they used to go to lunch and even though I warned he she always said she felt safe with them. The one she had feelings for she can't remember why but they started kissing and then the kissing became more intimate. One day while kissing him she felt to see if he was as excited as she was and when he was she just did it without thinking. After that it just became a habit. The other she said she did just so he would not talk if he found out about the other.

Now all she can say is she is sorry and that she has always loved me which is hard to believe. She says she don't want to live without me. I told her now that her fun is over and she is older she is ready to settle down.
She is wanting to be intimate all the time but it is hard for me at this time. I tell her it is just guilt for telling me and not real because this is not her normal personality.

All she wants to do is stay in bed. She truly hates to talk about it because she says it makes her sick to think about what she did.

I think she was able to compartmentalize or whatever it is called in order to keep all her lives separate.

If she had ended it after the first time it would be easier for me I think but since it lasted so long and only ended because she was fired that scares me.

There was not contact with either man after she was fired.
The only other trouble we have had was one other instance of her kissing someone else and I told her that showed she did not learn from her mistakes. That was 12 yrs ago.


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## brokenheartedman (Apr 17, 2010)

Advocado
She said the same thing you did that it would have been easier for me to take if it had not been for what she was doing with them. When I think about the number of times she did this with them it makes me sick.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That was 12 years ago...that you know of.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

brokenheartedman said:


> All she can remember is they used to go to lunch and even though I warned he she always said she felt safe with them.


If this was closest I could get to why my spouse had started an affair then I would fear for the future I'm afraid. I was expecting to hear something like she wasn't happy within the marriage, felt resentful towards you, wanted to punish you for something, whatever because of x, y or z. Although nothing justifies going outside for sex, at least there would be something concrete that you both might work on fixing (or if it was 12 years ago you might be aware that the issue(s) had indeed been fixed. 

I don't know if you yourself can think of any possible reasons :scratchhead:but from what I see here it seems to me you have nothing to go on to make changes for the future, to make sure the same conditions do not exist again and potentially lead to another affair.

Apart from the above, I'm wondering why you felt it necessary to "warn" her.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

brokenheartedman said:


> She said the same thing you did that it would have been easier for me to take if it had not been for what she was doing with them. When I think about the number of times she did this with them it makes me sick.


I think most would agree that you have every right to feel sick and extremely hurt by what has happened and it's very early days yet - I think you are still somewhat in shock and cannot really believe it which is understandable. 

I'm guessing it will take a very long time but somewhere down the line you need to get to a place where you move on from this immense hurt re the oral. Only you will know when you are ready so don't feel rushed.


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