# Infidelity over a year ago, Sex ...meh



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Are both of you in MC? May be the end of your marriage, as infidelity is the stake thru the marriage's heart. Has he answered all of your questions, is he working at being transparent in his everyday life?

Sorry you are here.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Rugsweeping an affair will only push the resentment off to a later date. HE is the one that effed up your marriage. He has to be willing to answer the same questions over & over. You need to realize that n othing you did MADE him cheat. He wants to call it over & done with because he doesn't like the spotlight on his actions.

Hopefully, there will be better posters along to help you out.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'm so sorry about what your facing.

To have food sex, there needs to be a healthy amount of trust and you no longer have trust. On top of that, you still have a great deal of resentment. Resentment is an absolute b"tch to get rid of, but there are steps you can take and with his help the resentment can be lessened and eventually go away.

If marriage counseling is not an option you might want to try Retrouvaille. Google it to find a Retrouvaille in your area. They teach a communication technique that can be very effective.

Secondly, your sex drive has calmed considerably and you might want to figure out what prompted your drive prior to the affair. Was your drive entirely focused on your husband? IOW, his presence and your attraction to him prompted your arousal which prompted your drive to have sex. If you feel that your libido functioned almost independently and you were mildly sexually aroused most of the time, then you might want to seek professional help for just you. Depression and anxiety can kill your sex drive, as can the medications generally prescribed to treat them.

You said you use toys now and you don't like toys. Can you talk a bit more about this? Why do you use toys now? Are the toys for solo play or do you use them during sex with your H? Can you not reach orgasm as easily as you used to? Does your toy usage, or the need to use a toy to get off, make you feel resentment? 

You also mentioned that you feel insecure now because his AP was porn star hot. I think any woman would also have a very hard time reconciling their own sexual attraction when their husband cheats. Have you told your H this? How is he supporting you and helping you to feel more confident in yourself?

Lastly, understand this, while its totally possible to come back from infidelity, it takes a LOT of hard hard work and your husband doesn't seem to be doing his share of carrying this burden. You probably will have to show him the divorce papers before he will start working in earnest. He may be an entitled arrogant ass and thinks this will all blow away, or he may be feeling so ashamed at how much he has hurt you that he just can't face this issue. It only matters so yo can navigate your way through getting him to step up.

Do what you have to do to get him to step up. File. Make plans. You two are playing chicken with each other, waiting for the other to do something. So do something.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Well you are very wise to keep asking for things you need to know. He has to understand the hurt and accept that as a wayward he has to face the fact you need information to heal.

Unfortunately shattered trust is very hard to regain. However, don't be afraid to file for divorce. It may do wonders for you and allow you to get your self-esteem and self-respect back.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

threelittlestars said:


> Anyway.... I don't know how to get over this hang up and enjoy sex again. It might do a lot in making me think i can stay in this marriage better.


Closeness comes with vulnerability, and it is not easy to be fully vulnerable with someone you no longer trust.

If you are determined to heal your relationship, it may be helpful to acknowledge that your husband is not a perfect person and that violating your trust was done out of his weakness. He needs to know that you expect him to be a stronger person moving forwards. He should not be ashamed of his weakness, so that he can ask for your help to become a better man. 

Easier said than done.

Badsanta


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

He doesn't like taking about how he cheated on you and gets mean? He has no right to act that way. He cheated on you and if you had cheated on him odds are he wouldn't be there, so he is lucky you are still there and are willing to have sex with him. You don't owe him duty sex if you don't want to have sex with him then don't. I would have trouble having desire to have sex with my husband knowing he cheated on me and is probably comparing the OW to me in the bedroom. You will never enjoy sex with him the way you use to. I hope you had a STD test before you had sex with him. Since you have children together you can stay and co parent.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

After an affair, wanting to reconcile is something that you really have to want for it to have a chance at all. Your body is telling you that you aren't into this reconcilation at all. I think that it would be a good idea if you took a couple of days to really think about what it is you want and what has to change if you want to continue to save the marriage. He should want this as much or more than you do and doesn't seem he is putting all that much effort into it. How is he giving you assurance that he's not going to do this again if he's already gotten away with it?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think people are wired differently. Some just really can't forgive an affair. There is no blame - the fault is entirely with the person who had the affair, but I think that someone who can't forgive shouldn't stay married. Life is too short to spend it with someone you can't truly love and trust.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sorry you are here and it sounds like you are the one trying to make the marriage work again though your WH is the one who cheated. I would arrange to have a one on one with him - send the kids to your parents, sitters, etc.
Tell him exactly how you feel, how you don't see him the same way anymore, you love him but you are not sure you can forgive him. tell him you do not trust him and that he hasn't done anything to show any remorse, no testing, no counselling. tell him you need time to think through things and you don't want sex with him for the time being. Tell him he has to agree to MC otherwise nothing will change and you may well have to end the marriage. Tell your family and friends, this is not your shame, this is his and let him deal with the fallout. There have to be consequences. It appears in your case there were none, he has to feel the pain and the possibility of losing his family. I know you love him but your actions must be counterintuitive. Act as if you are prepared to lose him. He should be doing all the running.
Go see a lawyer and start doing the ground work. I suspect your WH is hoping you will get over it and things can continue as normal. He needs a 2x4 up the side of the head to realise his M is in crisis. Some cheaters are either too dumb or too scared to do anything. What ever you do , do not rug sweep this.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

What are the consequences for him failing to live up to what he agreed to do?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

He's the one who made this mess. He should be carrying the burden to fix it. Unfortunately the betrayer can never fully comprehend what they've done.

You'll never fully recover but to get to a better place is probably 2 to 5 years if it's possible.

The one thing every couple should do is read His Needs, Her Needs together. Sounds like he's the classic Rugsweeper though. 

You need to figure out what you want long term. Sex is based on emotion and infidelity is the worst destroyer of emotions.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

So you've got a lot more issues to deal with than just the affair.

Let me ask you something, if you weren't 70 pounds over weight would you be dealing with these marriage issues differently? How is your self confidence informing your feelings about saving your marriage?

BDSM is not like ice cream-in that it's a fun treat to have, it's more like...coffee. If it's a part of you, it needs to be present regularly. Without its presence, you feel unfulfilled. This doesn't mean you have to suck it up an strap on your leathers, it just means that there is a serious fundamental mismatch here that won't go away no matter how the affair is dealt with. Personally, a submissive husband would turn me off completely. So I can certainly see how you've lost attraction toward your husband.

In the beginning, you felt cherished by him but now you don't. His lack of effort in fixing this marriage is making you feel even LESS cherished. This feeling of being cherished by him was the foundation of you loving him in return. Without that foundation, your return love has only one thing on which to stand, habit. Do not mistake the habit of being married to this man as love. 

You started to need toys to get off because the emotional component of sex was gone. With his admission of being a sexual submissive you felt the emotional distance created by NOT being turned on by him. He became someone different, someone that didn't match you anymore. The symbiotic connection was no longer present and your body follows your mind. With your mind no longer being totally in the game, it took a lot more for your body to override the emotional disconnect. It's also highly likely you felt HIS emotional disconnect because he needed something that you couldn't really deliver, sexual dominance.

Let's skip to the end now.

You and your husband no longer live in the same plane of existence. There is a great emotional disconnect caused by two key reasons the biggest being his affair.

There is nothing you can do to make him not be a sexual submissive. He is submissive and as a submissive he needs a dominant and this is not you. 

There is nothing you can do about healing from his affair except being willing to heal. The hard work comes from him and he isn't doing it and you can't make him.

Your weight gain is something you can alter but losing weight will not effect the two key reasons for the emotional disconnect.

Your lack of sex drive is your mind/body connection telling you to back off. Listen to your mind body and begin the painful and lengthy process of divorce.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

threelittlestars said:


> When i found out about his cheating and his BDSM cheating. I just can't even go there with him. *I don't want to give him his damn fantasy! *I don't like how BDSM makes me feel.* i NEVER DID*. i have always felt out of my element.... If I'm dominant does he not realize I want to castrate him?
> 
> So I got into using toys around the time he confessed to BDSM interests. I don't know but i wasn't getting off nearly as much then, and i needed and orgasm. I have a aqua sake, it died last week. fell in water. RIP. and i have a real skin life like dildo.... No vibration. It sucks.
> 
> *Currently i am about 70 lbs over weight and feel disgusting naked...* And I'm just sexually frustrated too!


*I'm going to play devils advocate here... *

Your husband has a kink/fetish that you do not like, and he likely feel ashamed and unaccepted in the relationship. You feel you are disgusting and overweight, so you ALSO make yourself feel ashamed and unaccepted in the relationship. 

You should be able to be 200 lbs overweight and your husband will still love you as long as you love yourself. Also odds are your husbands kinks/fetishes will subside when you remove the shame associated with it. You just have to learn to love and accept him as imperfect as he is.

regards,
Badsanta


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> There is nothing you can do to make him not be a sexual submissive. He is submissive and as a submissive he needs a dominant and this is not you.


Listen and heed these words.

He is what he is, and unless he decides to make it unimportant, it will never be unimportant. It drove him to find fulfillment outside of your marriage. 

If you are going to stay in a sexually mismatched marriage, and yes, I do know what that entails, one of you has to accept the sexual reality of the other and decide to be OK with it. That means he has to either forego his submissive side, or you have to decide to perform in the BDSM world. Neither of you is required to do so, and neither of you is broken for being unable to well and truly accept that which is not in your nature.

But be sure, there is no other way, and you are not guaranteed success even if you try. It is not a failure to be unable to bridge a gap this wide.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Cletus said:


> That means he has to either forego his submissive side, or you have to decide to perform in the BDSM world.


Tie him down (with saran wrap), make him tell you how wonderful you are, and perhaps that will motivate you to show him what he can not have! Unwrap him and make him take you out on a date!

Part about being dominant is that YOU do what YOU want to do, not have him tell you what HE wants done to HIM!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

threelittlestars said:


> Yes i have had Three STD tests over the course of a year.... I tested myself for all of them. I would have preferred he get tested to spare me the embarrassment... But nope.


I'm a bit confused, in your profile you mentioned he was cheating "online" and then in this thread you mentioned she was a "cam girl."

*Perhaps he did not get an STD test because his activities were limited to the internet? Or has he told you otherwise?*

Badsanta


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

threelittlestars said:


> I take exception for blame in HIS choice to step out of the marriage.


I was not blaming you, and I don't think I sounded like I was, but I understand why you would be defensive about it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

@threelittlestars, no one is placing any blame on you.

You do not have to defend yourself for not being interested in his kink. It's okay to NOT be kinky. There is nothing wrong with nonkinky sex. 

What we are trying to say is, as @Cletus already stated, the mismatch in your marriage is unsustainable, regardless of the affair. One of you must accept and be okay with NOT being yourself. That is unsustainable, IMHO.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hmmmm your story is certainly taking on a brand new look with all of these new details you slowly and painfully trickle out.

Now BDSM is not a kink but a lark and you're both seeking larks to reignite the spark.

Why would either of you suggest something that neither of you are interested in? I don't understand how either of you came up with the idea of cross dressing to reignite the spark.

I now point you back to my first post in your thread.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

threelittlestars said:


> Am i doing something wrong here in the forum asking for help? Is there some sort of outline I'm supposed to follow? :|


Perhaps you've heard this one:

======================
A man is sent to prison for the first time.

The first night there, after the lights in the cell block are turned off, he immediately sees his cellmate going over to the bars and yelling, "twelve!"

The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.

"Why are you guys just yelling numbers?" He asks his cellmate. "What's so funny about random numbers?"

"Well," says the older prisoner, "They're not random. It's just that we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know all the same jokes. So after a while we just started giving them numbers and yelling those numbers is enough to remind us of the joke instead of telling it."

Wanting to fit in, the new prisoner walks up to the bars and yells, "SIX!" But instead of laughter, a dead silence falls on the cell block. He turns to the older prisoner, "What's wrong? Why didn't I get any laughs?"

"You didn't tell it right."
==========================

Your problems are unique and new to you, but not necessarily to the world, and we've heard variations on the same themes for years. You're not doing anything wrong, but we sorta already know where this is all headed.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

threelittlestars said:


> I know a lot of people like variety, but i feels very hard to transition.
> 
> 
> *He seemed so eager to try something that would work* but was i could tell cross dressing wasn't his thing and it really wasn't mine.





threelittlestars said:


> He said at first he thought he liked it cause of the taboo, i guess it lost its appeal when that wore off?



You husband is likely OVERSTIMULATED by porn and is seeking "novelty" as his primary form of stimulation. Since your more grounded, this incessant search for any and everything new is starting to tax the relationship beyond its limits.

If you want to test my theory, ask you husband if he wants to try an induced nocturnal emission. Don't tell him how it works! You wake up while he is asleep at about 5am and place his hand in a bowl of warm water! 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Your so called "husband" did not give a rat's a$$ about your emotional health when he cheated on you, so it begs the question why should you want to be married to such a heartless douche?


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

threelittlestars said:


> Im not religious. I am not a prude either, I'm just an exclusive person. I wanted to be with one person this life... and unfortunately i fell in love with a virgin.


When I met my wife I was NOT a virgin, and I had experienced what it is to have a sexually active relationship based on lust. It can be exciting, but then after the orgasm is over, the person next to you appears about as appetizing as yesterday's left over slice of pizza. You know you can eat more, but you know it is not going to make you feel good. 

When you are with someone you love, after the orgasm is over, the pleasure does not stop as the bonding and feelings of closeness continue to last. 

So I had enough experience to realize that sex is fun, but it is nothing to mess around with. It is only both physically and emotionally fulfilling in a loving and stable relationship. Pursuit of just the physical pleasure is inherently selfish and empty, and in my opinion I rather just masturbate than seek out another person in the event I have a hormonal urge for something more.

Speaking of which, do you and your husband's views on masturbation reconcile? Do you view masturbation enhanced with porn as a form of infidelity? 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

threelittlestars said:


> I think porn can be be unhealthy however. I distain the market and devaluation of women as objects and i don't support it, but hey, *I can't impose my morality on everyone.*


*
But you CAN tell your husband to stop doing something that hurts you!*

At the same time you may hope that he becomes more mindful towards you and finds healthier ways to relieve tension in the marriage that rebuild trust and closeness between the two of you.

Badsanta


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## tdeck (Feb 21, 2016)

He has told me EVERYTHING! This I know because most of it the answers were UGLY and I wish I hadnt heard them. I keep saying to myself...I shouldn't even know....I shouldn't even know. I'm kind of even mad at him for having a clean conscience. Why tell me now!?


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Sex is all about emotion and trust can/will screw up emotions. Rule 2-5 years for this to be worked out if both are trying.

He can't comprehend what he's done or is in denial. You will not just get over it.

Some can never get over it. 

If this is the case what do you want? What's your plan? Do you have one?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

My marriage is unconventional. My wife and I had similar problems. We solved them by inviting a women we both knew since we were kids, into our marriage and bed. Seems that my wife was having fantasies about women and not men anymore. She does not like penetration so sex with a woman was a solution for her. She learned she is bi in her 40's. With a woman around, we had sex a few times a week. There was something for both of us to enjoy. I made peace with the fact that my wife is not that into male body parts and needs a vibrator to get he best orgasms so she uses BOB, her battery operated buddy. Now she looks forward to sex. We also are into chastity play which allows my wife to control when and how we have sex and even when I get to orgasm. She can have orgasms every day while I kiss and fondle her, without doing anything for me. It may sound strange but it works for us. We made it work as we did the rest of our marriage by not living our marriage as others told us to.

Communication is the key though. Find out why and fix it. I found out that my wife did not enjoy penetration for medical and other reasons so we cut that out. She learned that she is no good at using her hand on my penis and fixed that. We talked every week to see what was working, was not working and what needed to be tweaked. Now my wife controls our sex life and I am at her disposal whenever she wants sex. I do not have an orgasm of course, but I am with her and assist her as required. She is having the best orgasms of her life and many more of them too. I get an orgasm anywhere form 1 to 4 months and enjoy the constant sexual tension and teasing I get. We found something that worked for us and I suggest you do the same and be darned about what others think. All those who called us perverted are divorced once or more times and not living as nicely as we are after 40 years of marriage.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

He isn't remorseful so it is a sham.

Takes two and he shyt the bed but won't clean up.

I don't see this working.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

TLS,
sounds like a bit of a mess. You should take the focus of your H and help yourself. Take yourself away some place to have time to think about what YOU want out of life. You married so young and have probably changed a lot since then.
Start keeping a journal to record your thoughts about your life, your marriage, your H, your kids, what you want,etc. You seem to have spent your whole life wrapped around your WH who has taken you down a path you do not want to be on, he has also betrayed you, lied about it, etc. 
So these are all separate issues
1. what do YOU want to do with your life, where do YOU want to be?
2. What are you going to do about his cheating, what are the consequences? (From TAM you know the routine)
3. Your WH shows no sign of being remorseful, helping you, it is all about him, this is not tenable. He destroyed the marriage with his porn, proclivities, cheating without caring about how it affected you. You can leave him you know, you sound young still and could meet a man who will cherish you. Your WH is so immersed in his world that he cannot 'see' you.

When you have sorted out your thoughts somewhat, then go see a counsellor. Get yourself to a balanced place then start making decisions about what you want to do. YOu have control over your own life. Rightfully your H should be doing this, but if he is not going to then you take your life back.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I have a feeling a lot of the advise you have received is off target do to the nature of BDSM. Your husband is it the SM or the BD that really interest him? You said he changed two years ago. Did he get a big promotion? Did something happen in his life. I've read often SM is outlet for deep seeded insercurity. For sub/button the pain becomes a spur to push further for example professional and the success in that area triggers a need for ever increasing pain. For a Dom/top the success in inflicting pain becomes a focal point in building self-esteem that enables sucess in other areas. As success is achieve it triggers a greater need to inflict more pain. 

TruthHurts used the term Power Play. In any event when it reaches an extreme sex is rarely involved. Read @RideofmyLife thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/privat...icking-up-pieces-after-om-suicide-threat.html. Her husband had a need for extreme play with him as a sub several times a week. She much less so (as a sub) and engaged in it once a week. Neither of them felt comfortable meeting each others need and I believe she felt very uncomfortable allowing her husband to meet her needs as it would throw off the dynamic of everyday life. Under extreme pressure from him she agreed to open the marriage up and to the schedule I outlined. Well she developed feelings for her AP and the husband freaked. At one point attempting suicide. They are attempting to reconcile but at this point idiot boy is pushing to open the marriage again. 

Read her thread, perhaps PM her. You are not just dealing with sexual issues at this point. Sex might be the symptom not the problem.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I broke my post up due to length. In conclusion read her threads and with her post in mind try to figure out what he hopes to get. Either post it or PM RideOfMyLife. I found her to be remarkable open and straight forward. Ask het to read your tread and answer any questions she might have. I don't think this will solve your problems but you will gain insight and discover different approaches. 

Remember do not go down any path you don't understand, feel comfortable with, and want to. That is the biggest lesson from RideOfMyLife threads.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

It hasn't even been a week. You are putting way too much pressure on yourself.
You are right that it isn't healthy to be thinking about someone else while having sex with your husband. If you can't have sex with him without doing that, then take a break. Let him know that you need a break to work through the issues that his infidelity have caused. Do not downplay the fact that he hurt you deeply. It doesn't have to go physical to be cheating. He cheated. Let that sink in and work through it. When you're going through hell, don't stop, keep going. Don't give up, but give yourself time to process all of this. It's hard and I think you are expecting too much of yourself.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

What you are feeling is perfectly normal. It's part of the grieving process. Feel your feelings and work through them. You don't have to act on them or let them overtake you. It's okay. You are doing much better than you think you are.
Your husband crying and feeling horrible about all this is also part of the process. It's okay. If he feels like crying, he should cry and let it out, as long as he is not blaming it on you.
You do not need to feel guilty. Let that go. Own your feelings, including feeling guilty, process through them and let go.
Based on what you have told us about your husband's issues, he could benefit from sexual addiction counseling. I recommend he read Patrick Carnes book, Facing the Shadow. http://www.amazon.com/Facing-Shadow...8-1&keywords=patrick+carnes+Facing+the+Shadow
I hate to tell you this, but until your husband has gotten this under control, you cannot trust him. He has been acting out for a reason. If he's going to be healthy, he needs to talk to someone who understands and can help him. He has to face it and work through it.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

In regards to SM I do not think you want to go there at all. In regards to BD I found out after divorce many women at times enjoy the sense of restraint but not bondage, if you want examples PM. My examples are very PG but might be bettered handled though PM or if you wish in will post them.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

threelittlestars said:


> Okay, today I'm feeling ready to burst. I need to confess that right now (today) i WANT MY OWN AFFAIR. Not revenge. i don't want him to know about it. I want the excitement he had. I want to feelings he got... i want to feel free and beautiful again. But I also know Affairs are an escape. They are insanity.... i FEEL INSANE TODAY. Don't worry. I know I'm feeling confused, and stupid, SELFISH AND GUILTY. i just really am not enjoying being myself today. I don't like that i want to have an affair. I don't like this at all. I feel even wanting it and thinking it are crossing a major line inside of me. I don't like who I have become.
> 
> I just need to go in to a dark room and cry.


{{{hugs}}}
Again, this is normal. Sharing how you are feeling is good and healthy.
You have been badly hurt. You want to feel desired and beautiful. Your husband had made you feel inadequate. I would recommend not dwelling too much on the idea of having an affair. You are a woman of integrity and women of integrity do not have affairs. So you aren't going to do it, but that doesn't mean you don't feel like it! Of course you feel like having an affair. I don't know if most people in your situation do, but I would say a lot of people in your situation do feel that way. Many of them carry it out. 
If you are looking to meet that need of being desired, you can find that tonight in practically any bar, but that man would not cherish you and love you. That is what you need, but your husband has smashed that and you are feeling lost and alone. Finding a shallow relationship with another man will not fulfill you. It would probably make it much worse.
Try to find some things to do that will build you and nurture your soul. Can you plan the trip to Iceland? That might soothe and calm you. You need to find things that soothe and calm you. I doubt that your husband can do that for you right now, since you are so upset with him.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Your thoughts about a RA are normal and attempt to heal. But it will not heal and you will not feel normal. There is a thread currently active on RAs. Take the time to read it as it may help you cool down.


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## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

I don't know if you're still updating this thread, but kink is something that can really muddy the waters. Whether you and your husband work out, or not, your husband would benefit from joining the local kink community in your area. It sounds like he's really confused about what he wants and they can help him figure it out. There are beginner classes, educational meets, and play parties where he can experience different things without having to be in a relationship, or sexual with anyone. My husband got to experience electric play at one party and really enjoyed it. And the community is really supportive, at least they were in our area. Have him check out Fetlife to get started. 

That being said, you don't appear to enjoy bdsm at all and I think going vanilla for a while is definitely best. If you do heal a bit more in your relationship and want to support him, you could attend some educational events, just to learn more. There's a lot of info and most people get it wrong if they don't know about the lifestyle. For instance, not all tops are dominant or sadists, just as not all bottoms are submissive or masochists. 

Good luck to you. And feel free to PM me.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Getting involved in kink that you cannot express with your spouse is harmful to the marriage. Involving other people, besides your spouse, in your sexuality degrades the marriage and is a betrayal of trust.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

threelittlestars said:


> Fetlife is something he has been involved in FOR YEARS without my knowledge. It may have helped HIM, but it helped destroy US...so...forgive me I'm a bit negative about that community. he also hooked up online with a few from there....but thank you for the suggestion. I might PM you in the future.


Being involved without your knowledge is rather poor form.

My wife and I have had a profile with some of our sex pictures (without our faces being shown) on Fetlife for around to 2 years now. Yet I have to say since the discussion groups seem rather pedestrian compared to here, we've both found the site pretty boring, to the point neither of us have logged on there for around a year until today.


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## Audrey1 (May 2, 2016)

Wow. I hope you the best.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Both of you need therapy together, it would help heal both of you. It has done wonders for friends of mine... 

He needs to man up and go.


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