# i feel nothing for him



## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

What do you do when you feel nothing physical for your husband or spouse? I am not asking for help determining the cause. I am asking what you do about it or what have some of you done about it? I have already tried the 'faking it until you make it' theory. That has not worked. I have had my hormones checked and they are fine. I have also worked on and remedied the pain issue. I don't want to be celibate for the rest of my life and I don't want to cheat on my husband or have sex with him. I have no interest in objects. "Help me if you can, i'm feeling down" The title 'I feel nothing for him' is not totally true. I love him very much, but I love him like a brother not a spouse.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Get a divorce.


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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

Why? I am not agreeing or disagreeing. I just want to know more


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

explode said:


> What do you do when you feel nothing physical for your husband or spouse? I am not asking for help determining the cause. I am asking what you do about it or what have some of you done about it? I have already tried the 'faking it until you make it' theory. That has not worked. I have had my hormones checked and they are fine. I have also worked on and remedied the pain issue. I don't want to be celibate for the rest of my life and I don't want to cheat on my husband or have sex with him. I have no interest in objects. "Help me if you can, i'm feeling down" The title 'I feel nothing for him' is not totally true. I love him very much, but I love him like a brother not a spouse.


Were you ever sexually attracted to him?


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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

Yes. Very much.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Then I'm confused. What changed? And why can't you talk to him about this?

I mean, unless you're having an affair, he is abusive, or he got extremely unattractive since you married, I can't see what changed so radically.


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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

I was told by my therapist to not tell him. However, I had told him and tried to discuss it with him before the therapist's suggestion. He felt hurt and did not discuss it. 
I don't know what changed it. Life, maybe. Me. I don't want to hurt him and am not trying to hurt him. I also have no interest in being a mattress or pretending.


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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

I'm not having an affair, unless day dreaming about John Legend a little bit is an affair.He is not abusive. Both of us look eleven years older, but essentially the same. I can't see what the radical change is either. It makes me sad, extreemely sad. I feel like I've lost a husband who is still right here. It so frustrating and confusing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you were attracted to him before you can get back to that. Dr. Harley has a series of books that address this. Look at the links in my signature block before for building a passionate marriage.


Dr Harley (Marriage Builders) also has a marriage weekend that is supposed to be very good for bringing back those hold feelings. Based on things I've heard from people who have been to it, it's worth the time and money.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It would seem that knowing the cause could help you find the solution.


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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

I have read many of the things written on the marriage builders site and am willing to try them, but because it is a Christian based site my husband will not try any of it.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

explode said:


> I don't want to be celibate for the rest of my life and* I don't want to cheat on my husband* or have sex with him.


It sounds like you're saying you still have a desire for sex...

You want to have sex but not with your husband?

Just looking for clarification...


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## sntdwn2ufrmhvn (May 20, 2010)

i feel the same way you do, although i have many many reasons to feel the way you feel. so for you to feel that way without reason is strange. mine stems from him cheating while i was pregnant, him gaining about 70 lbs in the past 2 years, him watching porn the whole time i was pregnant and ever since then, and eventually i stopped trying...and now i literally feel NOTHING towards him. so yea, if you have no reasons that is what is weird.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

explode said:


> I have read many of the things written on the marriage builders site and am willing to try them, but because it is a Christian based site my husband will not try any of it.


Maybe you can read it and get him to do the things they suggest without him knowing the source. 

There is nothing inherently Chistian about what they teach. :scratchhead:


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## DDC (Jul 16, 2012)

It would be helpful if you shared more information. 
You say that at one point you were attracted to him.
What changed? 


When did you stop finding your husband attractive? 
Did he please you in bed? If so, what's different now? 
Did he please you out of bed? Any change here? 
Did you like sex when it was really intimate?
Did you like sex when it wasn't intimate - when it was just the thrill of first getting to know him? 
If you had to use three words to describe his behavior outside of the bedroom what would those words be? 
If you had to use three words to describe his behavior in the bedroom what would those words be? 
Does dominant or passive better describe him?
What input have you received from your therapist? Has it been helpful? How long have you been in therapy?

Although I sometimes include myself in this group, too many well-meaning posters start telling you what you should do before they have ANY idea what's going on. 

If you're looking for better answers, help us help you.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Has he let himself go physically?

If not, is he crowding you by:
Saying ily too much or
Constantly contacting you by text phone or just always interacting with you in the house or
By being inside your personal space too much, touching you all the time, initiating sex too much?
Complimenting you all the time
Giving in even when he is right?





explode said:


> What do you do when you feel nothing physical for your husband or spouse? I am not asking for help determining the cause. I am asking what you do about it or what have some of you done about it? I have already tried the 'faking it until you make it' theory. That has not worked. I have had my hormones checked and they are fine. I have also worked on and remedied the pain issue. I don't want to be celibate for the rest of my life and I don't want to cheat on my husband or have sex with him. I have no interest in objects. "Help me if you can, i'm feeling down" The title 'I feel nothing for him' is not totally true. I love him very much, but I love him like a brother not a spouse.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

Your husband is not your brother. He did not sign on to be loved like a brother. He married you to love you as a wife and lover and for you to love him as a husband and paramour for life.

Sounds to me like you are either suffering from depression, hormonal problems, or he somehow lost his attractiveness to you. Is he a chronic "nice guy"? Did he gain 300 pounds?

Because if you cannot nail down specifically what it is about him that has soured you towards him, then the problem is with you not him.


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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

O.k. I'm going to try to answer some of your questions. To clarify, I still have the desire to have sex just not with him. I'm not saying there aren't any reasons i'm just not sure what they all are and the ones that were there before ,Well I thought i had those worked out.


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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

DDC, I stopped being attracted to him about 4 or 5 years ago. No, he has never pleased me in bed. Sex was always painful for, what i now know were physical reasons that I have worked hard to fix. I thought that when that issue was gone the attraction would return, but it hasn't.


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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

Spudster neither of us signed on for this. I want a husband not a brother. I am not blaming him. Nothing that I have writtten would suggest that i am saying it is his fault, or deserves or wants this. It is still how I feel. So i'm seeking suggestions of what to do not who to blame.


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## DDC (Jul 16, 2012)

explode said:


> DDC, I stopped being attracted to him about 4 or 5 years ago. No, he has never pleased me in bed. Sex was always painful for, what i now know were physical reasons that I have worked hard to fix. I thought that when that issue was gone the attraction would return, but it hasn't.


So is this the main issue? The fact that sex has never been pleasurable for you? You say you've worked hard to fix this issue (care to share?), but it appears in doing the attraction hasn't returned. Have other lovers pleased you in bed?

The more questions you can answer and relevant info you can provide us with the better we will be able to help you. I know I'd find it helpful for me if you could answer more of the questions I asked in the post above (#16).


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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

i don't have three words for his behavior in or out of the bedroom. Neither of us were sexually active before marriage. Ihad issue that made inserting a penis or tampon or anything inside of me very painful. The physical pain is not an issue anymore. The therapist was helpful with some things but not with this.We can no longer afford to go.


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

explode said:


> Spudster neither of us signed on for this. I want a husband not a brother. I am not blaming him. Nothing that I have writtten would suggest that i am saying it is his fault, or deserves or wants this. It is still how I feel. So i'm seeking suggestions of what to do not who to blame.


You cannot solve a problem without identifying the causes. If you are that ambivelant then be kind and end the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

Thanks spudster. I agree. You can't find an answer without a cause.
My original post was seeking to know what people who have been iin similar or same situation have decided.


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## DDC (Jul 16, 2012)

explode said:


> i don't have three words for his behavior in or out of the bedroom. Neither of us were sexually active before marriage. Ihad issue that made inserting a penis or tampon or anything inside of me very painful. The physical pain is not an issue anymore. The therapist was helpful with some things but not with this.We can no longer afford to go.


Explode. I'm sorry to hear about your physical issues and am glad to hear it sounds like you've gotten them addressed. Without more info on your dynamic and your opinions of him as a man, I don't really have enough info to help you further (not that I don't want to.)


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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

There are things about him I respect and love and things about him that bother and annoy me. We have been married for 11 years that is just how it is or him and me. I think he's talented and creative. He has an o.k. sense of humor. He cares about us( me an our 3 kids) and the world around us. He has a pretty good world view. He is a good parent. If I could go back in time i wouldn't marry him again but i would be friends with him. I wouldn't want to erase having known him. I feel priveledged to know him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How much time do the two of you spend doing things together, just the two of you?


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Obviously ur situation has many issues, and we do not know enough about this physical pain with intercourse aspect. But, ur original question was "has anyone been in similar situation". 

So I will tell you:

about 10 yrs ago, I was COMPLETELY "out of love" with my h. U call your h a possible "brother". I guess I could have used that, or said something more glorified as "best friend". But I had NO romantic feeling or desire for him. And I knew he was (is) a good man. I would say clinically I was pretty depressed also. 

Right now I still have a dozen issues with my marriage, but I can say I do love my h. Yes, this is the same h. 

So, that was my answer. I guess u are wondering if there's still any hope. U and I are obvious 2 completely different individuals. But now u know one woman who can say she felt there was absolutely nothing, but now can feel and has lots of hope for future. (not that you will not soon see my disgruntled posts about h's LD, but to answer ur question, I do care about this man and feel for him. Only when u care do u get mad and frustrated about sex life).


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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

We discuss the bills and take care of the kids. That is it.


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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

Thanks Jennifer 1986. I'm glad things are better for you two,but i'd like to know how, if you know.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

explode said:


> We discuss the bills and take care of the kids. That is it.


Then there is zero hope that you can fix this. That is a prescription for exactly what you are feeling.

A couple need to spend at least 15 hours a week together (without kids, friends, etc) doing date-like things together. 

Adding that to your life will start to rekindle your love for your husband.

Also you need touch, lots of touch from him. Right now sexual would not be a good idea, but holding hands, cuddling, etc.


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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

I can handle the 15 hours, but i do not want to hold his hand or cuddle. Being intentional about doing activities together and spending time just hanging out without the kids is fine. But, being intentional about being physical even non-sexual when the feelings aren't there is brutal.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

explode said:


> I can handle the 15 hours, but i do not want to hold his hand or cuddle. Being intentional about doing activities together and spending time just hanging out without the kids is fine. But, being intentional about being physical even non-sexual when the feelings aren't there is brutal.


How old are your children? Do you touch them? Hug them? Cuddle them? 

How about friends and relatives? Do you do any touching wth them? (non sexual of course?)


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

explode said:


> I can handle the 15 hours, but i do not want to hold his hand or cuddle. Being intentional about doing activities together and spending time just hanging out without the kids is fine. But, being intentional about being physical even non-sexual when the feelings aren't there is brutal.


Then why are you wasting his time? Do you hate him? He could be with someone that loves him and wants to be with him. So could you.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

explode said:


> I can handle the 15 hours, but i do not want to hold his hand or cuddle. Being intentional about doing activities together and spending time just hanging out without the kids is fine. But, being intentional about being physical even non-sexual when the feelings aren't there is brutal.


If you can find touch you are comfortable with it will help things. It will stimulate the release of oxytocin, which will help create the feelings you want.

If you don't do this then the risk you will take is that you meet someone else who triggers a hormonal response, filling you with desire, clouding your feelings, and plunging you into an affair.

We are wired to respond to touch. You can control it or it can control you.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

I feel the same but I know how mine came about. Years of excuses to not have sex and never initiating gradually pushed me away to the point where I didn't want to initiate any more. Then a doozy of a fight recently was the final straw where something snapped in my head that I never want him to touch me like that again. If we didn't have a baby I would have left him this year but as it is, he is a fantastic father and we get along like housemates. Is not remotely what I wanted or expected marriage to be.


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## mattcook (Jul 19, 2012)

Wazza said:


> If you can find touch you are comfortable with it will help things. It will stimulate the release of oxytocin, which will help create the feelings you want.
> 
> If you don't do this then the risk you will take is that you meet someone else who triggers a hormonal response, filling you with desire, clouding your feelings, and plunging you into an affair.
> 
> We are wired to respond to touch. You can control it or it can control you.


precisely right.

Even IF you don't feel like it, and neither does he, IF you cuddle and hold hands, especially naked cuddling, you and he have a chance of building up bonding between you and really being in love in a deep way. Especially if neither of you has orgasm during this time, NO sex is the way to go. Just two weeks of cuddling and bonding.

You can do this if you really want to. You don't feel like it, but it's like going to exercise. You don't feel like that either, but once you're out there for 15 or 20 minutes sweating and working, you feel like continuing a lot more.

It all depends upon what you want to do. If you want to make this work there is a shot at it, BUT you have to do those bonding activities bigtime, steadily, and intensively. 

Fortunately they don't take very long to work, either.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Have you read or tried this:

Dr. David Schnarch, "Passionate Marriage"

Passionate Marriage | PassionateMarriage


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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

sometimes i feel that way also, like I'm waisting his time and mine. But i don't want this. I want my friend an husband back. i want to want and enjoy his touch again. I also think if i end it then i will not be accepting, waiting, and working through the 'for worse' part of for better and for worse.
My kids are 8 and under and yes we touch. My friends are all long distant. My family is near but our contact is limited because of schedules and other things.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

JMHO, because you had trouble with sex in the begining of your marriage with pain it conditioned you to turn off when you guys had sex.

that coupled with him never having giving you an orgasm your subconisious has shut down ....whats in it for you pain and awakward sex.with no orgasm . dosn't sound like fun to me.

I assume you can give yourself one.and you do have a sex drive.

You guys need to start over from scratch....... sit down and tell him you want a do over. Tell him that because of your condition of having painfull sex in the begining of your marriage that you kinda shut down sexually(pain will do that ) and now that you are over that you would like to start fresh and that means putting more effort to date and be a couple. which by the way means teaching and learning what eachother like in and out of the bedroom!

if he balks just tell him that you want your marriage to be all it can be and he has to put effort and understanding into helping it reach the place it needs to be for both of you.and in doing so there is going to be times where both of you need to be outside your comfort zone to meet eachother needs. 

get some books and make it an adventure and damned fun adverture. I know easier said than done but it can be done if both are willing to put forth the effort .


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Marriage counseling..?...


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

explode said:


> We discuss the bills and take care of the kids. That is it.


In your opinion, is this a cause or an effect for what you are feeling now. IMO, this is huge and you need to figure out why this is the extent of your conversations with your husband. I think this is a root cause IMO. What you are feeling is that your marriage relationship was pushed to the side because of the demands for raising kids. You have 3 kids? Most likely it was the arrival of the 2nd kid that began to take away your time from your husband. As a result, you began to distance yourself from him because your connection was "broken". Honestly, both of you failed to realize that no matter how much you love your kids, the best thing you can give them is knowledge that their parents truly love each other as husband and wife. IMO, a strong family is built upon a foundation of love between a husband and wife. Those posters who told you that you still need to spend time with your husband 1 on 1 without the distraction of kids are dead on. The fact that you feel repulsed by this is curious. Marriage is hard work, and if you want to stay in love with your spouse it takes time and effort. Love is not something that appears like in the fairytales where there are only "one true loves" and "soulmates". Those "fairytale" concepts of love are nothing more than initial physical attraction and a little bit of lust mixed in. 

My guess is you did not lose feelings for your husband because of bad sex. That can be treated relatively easily so long as both of you have similarly matched libidos. 

Finally, I have to say that I'm concerned that you wouldn't be more interested in the cause of the issue in the first place. Do you feel that it is so utterly hopeless to even try? As others have stated, you don't simply fall out of love without there being a root cause to why. Either you emotionally gave your heart away to someone else or you are angry at your husband because you feel like he emotionally "left you".


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

explode said:


> I can handle the 15 hours, but i do not want to hold his hand or cuddle. Being intentional about doing activities together and spending time just hanging out without the kids is fine. But, being intentional about being physical even non-sexual when the feelings aren't there is brutal.


Then start with the 15 hours. Go on dates, just the two of you so you can reconnect (no kids or bills conversation!). It may be awkward at first since you haven't been spending any time together alone, but start there and see if you can connect with him again intellectually, conversationally.

Something brought you two together, so that's still in there somewhere. When that starts coming out, you'll start flirting again. Look into his eyes, smile. Relax and flirt. Be complimentary - tell him when he does something you admire, tell him his blue shirt looks good with his blue eyes, thank him when he does something for you. He'll pick up on it, and start doing that with you. It will grow from there.

You might want to pick up a couple of old paperbacks on Amazon: "Light His Fire" and "Light Her Fire."


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Explode,

You are getting excilent advice from here on how to reconnect. 

Since the very thought of touching your husband repulses you I agree with starting with just spending time together doing things. One of the most bonding things you two could do would be to take up something together that you would learn together.... dance lessons where you can go out and practice your moves (and practice at home together as well), golfing lessons and practice, suba diving, .. whatever you to can come up with that you can learn together and support each other in learning.

Set aside 1 or 2 hours a high after the children go to bed (no TV). Spend time taking, work on a photo album together of when you dated...something that has you together and gets you talking. 

Then plan something a weekly date, plus a weekly walk inthe park where you can talk about what each of you wants in life, etc.

The idea of cuddling... just laying in bed, being togther, looking at each other and talking..

You can talk this slowly...

At some point touching will become naturural.

What we call love is body chemistry. The 'wild in-love' feeling we get when we first fall in love is one set of body chemistry. It lasts for 12 to 18 months. It's nature's why to bring a couple together to make babies. After that a different set of body chemistry takes over... what we call a more mature love. It's about the body's production of oxytocin. And you can definately influence your body's production of oxytocin.

Here is some reading on the topic.

Oxytocin

The link between the hormone oxytocin and female orgasm, bonding and attachment - happyspouse (Dawn Michael M.A.)


Here is a quote from one of the articles that I think describes what has happened to you.

“While most of us suffer from living in an anti-touch society, women tend feel more touch-starved than men, probably due to the fact that they have more estrogen. A woman who is not receiving enough touch becomes withdrawn and even depressed. In this condition a woman can become strongly, and even violently, opposed to sexual touch. If the situation continues, she may become so withdrawn that she is no longer open to the very touch she needs.

So how do we touch more? Mostly we need to be aware of the need. We need to retrain ourselves and look for opportunities to touch. Even a gentle brief touch has an effect, and the more the better. Learn to walk hand-in-hand or arm-in-arm. When you … watch TV, or sit talking to friends, sit close enough to touch each other. When you're both reading find a way to be in contact with each other ... even sitting at opposite ends of the couch with your feet touching will work. When you are eating together play footsies. Rub each other's shoulders or feet, or give a long massage. Do anything which brings your body into contact with your spouse, and do it often.”


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

explode said:


> There are things about him I respect and love and things about him that bother and annoy me. We have been married for 11 years that is just how it is or him and me. I think he's talented and creative. He has an o.k. sense of humor. He cares about us( me an our 3 kids) and the world around us. He has a pretty good world view. He is a good parent. If I could go back in time i wouldn't marry him again but i would be friends with him. I wouldn't want to erase having known him. I feel priveledged to know him.


You talk about the things you respect and love but make no mention of the things that bother and annoy you. Spill.

I've noticed some spouses on these forums eventually lost attraction due to accumulated resentments. If that's true for you, you should try to find a way to tackle them or let them go. The first step would be to at least acknowledge them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

I have a zero drive (at least for me) W, so it was interesting to read some of this. Sorry, no advice to share. I hope you find a solution, b/c your H will likely not put up with this situation forever.

I may have missed it, but has your H spoken with you about this and how it's making him feel about the marriage?


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

You never answered us about his physical condition (and yours also) . What repells you about him? Did he gain a bunch of weight? Lose his teeth? Does he have chronic B.O.? 

Throw us some bones here .


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

Oh, one more question: have you engaged in an extramarital affair in the past or are you actively involved with another man? 

Its a legit question, so don't get defensive please.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

explode said:


> Thanks Jennifer 1986. I'm glad things are better for you two,but i'd like to know how, if you know.


(1) It took a good 10 years. I hope if your situation takes much less time.
(2) I read all the posts and many gave good advice. So I will not say much in that department. Let me say I understand how you have NO interest and might even be repulsed, and the word "housemates" fully resonates with the feeling I had.
(3) There HAS to be resentment. It can be underneath. You might not even realize it. All the good qualities you say about your h are similar to what I was saying. It goes "this is the most wonderful man, loving father, faithful husband", and there is a HUGE *"BUT"* attached to these...
but I am not in love with him
but I have no desire for him
but we would probably be better off having married different people, even if another guy is not as wonderful (boldface all the above qualities) as my h

And that huge BUT stems from resentment. He may be the most loving father but he was not loving towards me (this was my own interpretation). He may have decent/good sexual "techniques" but he never cared about my satisfaction or was unaware of my dissatisfaction. He was not there when I emotionally cried for help. 

So how did I resolve this? And again it's not fully resolved. One book another poster mentioned "Passionate Marriage" is good. I am finally on chapter 10, for #$&# sake...pretty difficult read. But you have to get out of this "emotional fusion", and learn to be more "differentiated", which is to say you will be less dependent on SO for emotional well-being. It's a tough thing to do. The hurt will not go away overnight, I guarantee you. 

I recommend you search in yourself and find the hidden resentments. It sounds like a strong word, so if you want to use "disappointments" or other substitutions feel free. They are somewhere in there. 

I can elaborate some more if you are interested.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Explode - Find something to laugh at together. Laughter is universally bonding. Do this in conjunction with what Ellegirl suggests.

But, if it were me and my wife would not marry me again if given the chance, I would want to know that.

I am in a mismatched relationship and my great fear is that I am just the wrong person for her. We are perfect on paper, but maybe the spark isn't there. If she wanted sex, just not with me and didn't tell me for years, I would be very angry with her. This is because I spend a disproportionate amount of my time to make her happy. The condition for that is that she loves me in return. If I am making her happy without her reciprocal feelings, then I am a *servant not a partner*.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

explode said:


> ... If I could go back in time i wouldn't marry him again but i would be friends with him. ...


I really have a hard time with the "go back in time" thing. I'm talking about what that statement represents, not actually doing it. It just seems like retroactive issue-avoidance. If a person could go back in time to avoid a situation that wouldn't make them any better at dealing with that situation. 

I like to think that by avoiding a situation you just set yourself up to encounter the same situation at another time. If that is true, why not just deal with the situation instead of ignoring it or regretting the choices that led to it?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I know what the problem is.

He is not making you feel loved, happy, special, pretty. Your love bank is empty.

Therefore you have no desire to make him feel good.

Give him the books mentioned, tell him get started on filling your love bank, or to expect divorce papers if he is unwilling to try anything.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

explode said:


> I can handle the 15 hours, but i do not want to hold his hand or cuddle. Being intentional about doing activities together and spending time just hanging out without the kids is fine. But, being intentional about being physical even non-sexual when the feelings aren't there is brutal.


Than just move on. He deserves better than someone who thinks holding his hand or cuddling is brutal. And get some IC, no matter the cost. You need to identify what your issues are.

Good luck.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Explode - since I think my W has these same thoughts, what do you want your H to do? Does he initiate on a regular basis? Do you need him to? I say "need" b/c you don't "want" him. In my case, my W confronts me (usually with anger) when I stop initiating. I think it's a kind of security for her. As in, she doesn't want to have s*x with me, but she needs to know that I'm still coming to her for it.


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## JenniferMarried36 (Jun 28, 2012)

Not trying to give bad advice here but your kids are the most important.

1) Do you still sleep in the same bed? 

2) Is he aware that the chemistry isn't there?

3) I recommend the next time a man approaches you at the mall, a bar, coffee shop, etc. talk it up with him, get to know him. I am not telling you to sleep with him but maybe get his email address and communicate that way. If you end up sleeping with him and feel guilty then you love your husband. If you don't regret the affair then you don't love him.

4) Feeling wanted, desired and lusted after is human nature. Men and women both need it. If you have a lover on the side and nobody knows about it, it may be what you need. Alot of men and women cheat these days. I am not condoning it but I know a woman that meets up with her lover every month and believe me it helps her needs. She has 2 young kids and doesn't want them being separated from their parents but after seeing him she is happier. She would never leave her husband but I know she is alot happier now then before she met him.

Who I am to judge? Maybe her husband is a bad lover, doesn't give her attention or maybe she is bored of the same sex, etc. but I know she is a happier person now than before and since she is happier it makes her a better mother. Sad but true.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

explode, it appears that you have extracted everything you felt you wanted from him in the ten years you have been together. Now you no longer want him. Just what he can provide for you and his(?) children.
In most cases, the courts will side with you and help you bleed him out after the dissolution.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

JenniferMarried36 said:


> Not trying to give bad advice here but your kids are the most important.
> 
> 1) Do you still sleep in the same bed?
> 
> ...


What colossally BAD advice!


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

JenniferMarried36 said:


> If you have a lover on the side and nobody knows about it, it may be what you need. Alot of men and women cheat these days. I am not condoning it but I know a woman that meets up with her lover every month and believe me it helps her needs. She has 2 young kids and doesn't want them being separated from their parents but after seeing him she is happier. She would never leave her husband but I know she is alot happier now then before she met him.


Glad it meets her needs. That's what is important here. Until the husband catches on, everything blows up and there is an acrimonious divorce when there could have at least been an amicable one. 

Fed by the fact that the cake-eating woman is focussed on the lover and neglecting the husband, therefore allowing everything else to go downhill. 

Sorry, but you can't base a successful marriage on selfishness. She is leaving her husband (in a sense) when she takes a lover. She's just lying about it.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

You don't even have to get a book.... excellent article you can share (leave out the religious mentions) top 5 needs of a man, and top 5 needs of a woman, I bet you will find that you are missing his and he is missing yours, it works two ways... our needs to get to sexual intimacy desire are all non sexual needs (kinda funny that way) while a man's number 1 is sex.... His Needs-Her Needs-Our Needs 
Read it and share the information you learned with your husband, communication is and spending time together doing fun things together, purposely flirting, wear something sexy, do something to feel sexy and get him to notice you (all these things at the same time) this is what my dh and I did when we felt like "roomates"... we are well on our way back to where we were a few years ago and loving it! Stronger than ever.... and literally before that on the verge of divorce.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Also dig deep and if you have any individual hang ups seek individual counseling (Like I knew I have anxiety and it wasn't being treated well, so part of my agreement was I sought better treatment).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JenniferMarried36 said:


> Not trying to give bad advice here but your kids are the most important.
> 
> 1) Do you still sleep in the same bed?
> 
> ...


This is such bad advice that I'm stunned. If this is your way of thinking perhaps going to a forum that is for people who cheat would be a better fit for you?

Most people, if they any conscience at all would end up devastated by having an affair... as most WS... they will tell you that the affair ended up causing them so much pain that it was not worth it in the end.

Either your friend in a narcissist/psychopath or at some point the guilt and disgust in herself will hit her hard. She will suffer for what she is doing. She will most likely be caught by her husband. 

Instead of working on herself and her marriage she has chosen to expose herself and him to STD’s. Instead of saving her children’s family she is destroying it. And you are cheering her on?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

JenniferMarried36 said:


> Not trying to give bad advice here but your kids are the most important.
> 
> 1) Do you still sleep in the same bed?
> 
> ...


Great ideas! While we're at it, let's throw birth control and condoms at the kids as soon as they turn 12 so that they too can experience the joys of sex for no other reason that it feels good. And if we really want to be responsible adults and look out for the best interests of our children, we can tell them to just stick to oral sex only so that they don't accidentally become pregnant nor cause pregnancies. All the pleasure, no risk of "ruining your life" by having kids too early... F'n A Awesome!

Of course there will be those nagging little inconveniences that the adults and kiddo's would have to go through in order to maintain this heightened sense of "evolved" living. I'm talking about those little things really when you put them within context of the "greater good" that will come about through being highly sophisticated people that can truly recognize sex for what it really is. What are those little things I speak of? Why, therapy and anti-depressants of course! 

It's tough at first to learn how to be such highly evolved people who aren't chained to such outdated modes of thinking like "responsibility", "duty", "commitment" and "love" and not become sick to your stomach by being racked with guilt and diminished feelings of self worth. But with enough therapy and drugs, we can overcome these Philistine points of views and become truly enlightened...


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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

Thank you everyone for your advice. I don't have anyone to have these conversations with, so i really appreciate your time and effort. Like i said before, i don't want him to touch me so i'll start by building up to spending more time togethr alone. Right it's once a week for about 2 hours. I will try to get to 15 hours, as suggested. 
I don't remember all of your questions but I'll try. my husband's physical appearance is just fine. h ehas changed some but it isn't an issue for me. We have been married 11 years. he has gained some weight,but it matters to him not me. Some times he wears the same smelly clothes for days a ta time and that bothers me.


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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

I have some issues that I know i need counselling for , that would help us but these issues aren't all there is to my lack of desire for my husband. 
Please use whole words. Except for w/o, I don't know what all of the abbreviations are. I don't know how to text.I have never texted in my life and am not about to start. 
I know some of these reasons for my lack of desire for him and am willing and currently trying to find other or all of the answers. However, reasons weren't my reason for the original post, possible solutions was.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

This is a radical suggestion, but may work. Don't know, hopefully others with more knowledge and experience will chime in.

Why not talk to him and set out a timetable for increasing your intimacy. I can see how saying "I don't want you to touch me" is an awkward thing to say, but can you gain additional closeness by working through the problem together? And would it be easier to have the issue out in the open where at least he can support you. 

It might be easier for him to endure a long period of no touch followed by sexless touch if he knows what is going on and sees something is being done about it.

Just a thought.


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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

I haven't ever had any affair and I don't want to. If we end up getting divorced that wouldrip my family apart on its own. Adding something like that into the mix and into our lives would make it 10 times moe awful. I'm not judging anyone , because I haven't walked a mile in thier shoes, but fortunately, infidelity hasn't been an isuse in our marriage.


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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

We were in therapy together and I was in therapy alone, but we can not afford it any more. We couldn't afford it then and were getting to the point of not being able to pay our mortgage, so therapy had to stop.


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## Immortalrh (Aug 8, 2012)

Explode,

I can't say I understand exactly what you are going through, but the fact that you are wanting to work though it and it looks like your H wanting to work with you sounds like a good start.
I pray it works out for you.:smthumbup:


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Explode,

Answer this for me...what is different in the way he conducts himself day to day now, versus when you met him and fell in love with him?

What's his daily routine now, versus then?

Does he have any hobbies now? Then?

Did you feel like you had to work to keep him then, but don't now?

Has he fallen into a pattern of kissing your butt, doing all kinds of house chores, giving you massages to try and relax you, trying to romance you because that's what you've asked for? When he didn't necessarily do all of these things before?

I'm going on a hunch here. A hunch that you were attracted to him once, and no longer are. You no longer are because you KNOW he's not going anywhere. Instead of confronting you on your "crap" like maybe he used to (listen to me here, that's not a dig on you, we all give each other a certain amount of "crap" in marriage), he now just shrugs it off, accepts it, and tries to do even more things now (house work, cooking dinners, sending flowers, etc.) to make you feel "good" and "kiss your butt" because that's what either you told him or he believes?

Explode...how would you feel right now if you saw a woman flirting with him (not him flirting with her, but rather her flirting with him)? Jealous? Or would you not care. How would you feel if he started to pull away, to a point where you even thought he may leave? Scared? Not care?

I'm genuinely curious here. We see this so much on this forum (and elsewhere in life). I really feel that when either party stops requiring that their partner fulfil them, and treat them well, and just accept the small, bad things, that these things snowball. And respect and desire is lost. Can that be it? Truthful answer requested. Think about it. Do you feel like you no longer need to "chase him" or "please him" in order for him to stick around like maybe you did at the beginning of the relationship? Again, not a dig on you at all. My belief is it has more to do with him not seeing this, and giving you what you NEED, a man that you have to work a little to keep, instead of the lapdog that you know is never going anywhere and is constantly underfoot, despite the fact you kick him and forget to feed him from time to time?

He obviously sounds like a great husband and father. BUT, is he giving you what you need to feel attracted to him and respect him on an attraction level? 

I ask this, because we see so often the advice is to "do more", and it yields no results for men. Now here, in you, we have the woman at the other end of this story. The one that no matter what he does, you're not attracted, and may even be feel repulsive towards him sexually. He's a good, solid guy. Why are you not attracted to him? That's a serious question. My belief is being a "good solid guy" is not enough to maintain a partners attraction. Now, yes, you should feel lucky to have such a guy, but what can he do to re-attract himself to you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

donny64 said:


> Has he fallen into a pattern of kissing your butt, *doing all kinds of house chores*, giving you massages to try and relax you, trying to romance you because that's what you've asked for? When he didn't necessarily do all of these things before?


Like so many, you make the assumption that house chores are women's work and men should not do them. The issue is not that if a man does house chores his wife will not respect him. The issue is that women do not like or respect a man who waits on them with the expectation that it will buy sex.

Women do like/respect and are attracted to men who pull their own weight and take care of their crap. Doing housework won't get a man laid. But doing his part to take care of the household (which includes his share of housework) will gain a man respect and attraction from his wife.

This is an important distinction.

Likewise, a husband meeting his wife's needs can be a huge turn on for a woman, as long as he is not doing it to buy sex. A woman can tell the motivation from a mile away.

Have you ever read the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters"?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

ElleGirl
"Likewise, a husband meeting his wife's needs can be a huge turn on for a woman, as long as he is not doing it to buy sex. A woman can tell the motivation from a mile away."
OK, then. If he's going to be denied "sex" or anything else which he thought matrimony would bestow upon him, what should he expect to get in return?
In the traditional marriage where the husband was the sole financial provider, it usually fell on his spouse to provide solution for the daily household tasks. 
If they both work, then obviously they should be SHARED.
Once the "new" wears off it should be up to BOTH to rekindle whatever is missing.


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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

Well Donny64 our situation is a little of the opposite. When we were first married we both worked and went to school. WE both cleaned house, did laundry, paid the bills, etc. Now he is the only one with an income. I am a full time stay at home mom. I do all of the household chores. I am fine with doing most, since I am at home,but he will not do anything. He doesn't even reach across the table to get his fork at meal time. We have 2 special needs children and i have to make 3 three seperate dinners most nights because of that. So gettting everything to the table can get kinda crazy each night. He can see or hear me trying to get all of the meals cooked and manage the kids, while our youngest will literally sit on my foot so i have to walk back and forth across the kitchen with her on my leg and he will not help unless or until I am screaming nad crying.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

explode said:


> Well Donny64 our situation is a little of the opposite. When we were first married we both worked and went to school. WE both cleaned house, did laundry, paid the bills, etc. Now he is the only one with an income.* I am a full time stay at home mom. I do all of the household chores. I am fine with doing most, since I am at home,but he will not do anything. He doesn't even reach across the table to get his fork at meal time. We have 2 special needs children and i have to make 3 three seperate dinners most nights because of that. So gettting everything to the table can get kinda crazy each night. He can see or hear me trying to get all of the meals cooked and manage the kids, while our youngest will literally sit on my foot so i have to walk back and forth across the kitchen with her on my leg and he will not help unless or until I am screaming nad crying.*



Well, I think what you wrote here is important to know. Having special need kids, house bound, and lack of empathy from your husband is taking their toll with you. You cant get away from this environment for a rest, or do you?

Low sex drive is probably your body defense mechanism to stop you from having another child.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

We were watching Hope Springs and my wife commented that the Meryl Streep character seemed entirely normal in every aspect of her feelings toward her husband and her her marriage in that after a while you shouldn't want or expect to feel or want or desire anything and life is simply a series of chores, duties, obligations and habits. And that the ending - I won't spoil it, seemed forced and stupid. 

So feeling nothing is, according to her, precisely what is supposed to happen.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

hookares said:


> explode, it appears that you have extracted everything you felt you wanted from him in the ten years you have been together. Now you no longer want him. Just what he can provide for you and his(?) children.
> In most cases, the courts will side with you and help you bleed him out after the dissolution.


Wow, I wish there was a "dislike" button here sometimes. Very presumptuous.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

explode said:


> Well Donny64 our situation is a little of the opposite. When we were first married we both worked and went to school. WE both cleaned house, did laundry, paid the bills, etc. Now he is the only one with an income. I am a full time stay at home mom. I do all of the household chores. I am fine with doing most, since I am at home,but he will not do anything. He doesn't even reach across the table to get his fork at meal time. We have 2 special needs children and i have to make 3 three seperate dinners most nights because of that. So gettting everything to the table can get kinda crazy each night. He can see or hear me trying to get all of the meals cooked and manage the kids, while our youngest will literally sit on my foot so i have to walk back and forth across the kitchen with her on my leg and he will not help unless or until I am screaming nad crying.


This sheds a lot of light onto your situation. If he won't even reach across the table in order to get his own fork, there is no wonder that you are feeling distant from him. You are the primary caretaker for the kids AND for your husband, so it seems. Who ever takes care of you?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

> Originally Posted by explode View Post
> Well Donny64 our situation is a little of the opposite. When we were first married we both worked and went to school. WE both cleaned house, did laundry, paid the bills, etc. Now he is the only one with an income. I am a full time stay at home mom. I do all of the household chores. I am fine with doing most, since I am at home,but he will not do anything. He doesn't even reach across the table to get his fork at meal time. We have 2 special needs children and i have to make 3 three seperate dinners most nights because of that. So gettting everything to the table can get kinda crazy each night. He can see or hear me trying to get all of the meals cooked and manage the kids, while our youngest will literally sit on my foot so i have to walk back and forth across the kitchen with her on my leg and he will not help unless or until I am screaming nad crying.






aug said:


> Well, I think what you wrote here is important to know. Having special need kids, house bound, and lack of empathy from your husband is taking their toll with you. You cant get away from this environment for a rest, or do you?
> 
> Low sex drive is probably your body defense mechanism to stop you from having another child.


Yes, I agree. Looks like the smoking gun is here for all to see now. OP, if you didn't know it already, this is clearly the reason why you have no physical attraction to him anymore. You feel like you are all alone and you have special needs kids on top of everything else. With special needs kids, both parents need to be "on" if both are at home because it can be a tough road to travel down if you feel you are alone in dealing with the special needs kids. 

You don't need to reconnect with alone time with the husband. the first thing you need is to get him to help you out around the house more and dealing with the kids. He starts pitching in and giving you some much needed rest along with talking to you like an adult and treating you like a woman then your feelings will come flooding back rather quickly IMO. Of course his change would have to be permanent though.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

explode said:


> Well Donny64 our situation is a little of the opposite. When we were first married we both worked and went to school. WE both cleaned house, did laundry, paid the bills, etc. Now he is the only one with an income. I am a full time stay at home mom. I do all of the household chores. I am fine with doing most, since I am at home,but he will not do anything. He doesn't even reach across the table to get his fork at meal time. We have 2 special needs children and i have to make 3 three seperate dinners most nights because of that. So gettting everything to the table can get kinda crazy each night. He can see or hear me trying to get all of the meals cooked and manage the kids, while our youngest will literally sit on my foot so i have to walk back and forth across the kitchen with her on my leg and he will not help unless or until I am screaming nad crying.


OMG...I've been following a while. Now you finally opened up on your problem. You are over whelmed, my heart goes out to you. I know your situation, my sister has two special needs children. I belive you would do good to read EleGirl's comment to you. You both need together time (15 hours per week). I know that sounds so crazy with all that you have on your plate. But if you think that this is a marriage worth saving, try it. You need family, friends, paid help, day care, any thing that gets you there. It will work. You post shows you are a strong person, one that does what she has too, and plays the cards she's been dealt. Good luck to you and your family.

Add; I don't know how much he helps get you both time together, but he better.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

I often wonder why people just make assumptions, most likely they are projecting their own situations. Donny64 almost came out hostile making accusations. I hope OP's recent new info make people stop making such comments. 
I stand by my suggestion your resentments need to dealt with. Yes, you have many reasons to have resentments. Being overwhelmed does not help either. Just trying to carry on your duties and not thinking does not help. Telling yourself h is the breadwinner and a good guy does NOT help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RiverCountry (Aug 9, 2012)

I have the same problem. We got married at 19. We are best friends, but I have lost attraction to him over the years. We have been married for 25 years. Our kids are grown. We work together. He is pretty controlling, demanding a lot of my time. For many years after we married and were raising our kids, I abandoned my friends because of family and him and never got time for myself and with friends. Since our kids are now on their own, I have started to reconnect with my friends. He is very jealous of this, and gives me a hard time either before or after I spend an evening or day with some friends. This is not new. He has been a very jealous and controlling person since almost the day we met. I was just too young and stupid to realize it. Then, we had kids and our time was occupied with them and we were able to keep busy. He thinks I am having a mid life crisis because I want to spend time (maybe 1 time a month) with my friends. Its hardly that as every woman knows that we need "girl time"...He just is bothered with it because he cannot control what I am doing and be there seeing what is going on. He doesn't admit it but I always get 100 questions when I get home about what we did, where we went, etc...he thinks if we go out for dinner and drinks that we are "man hunting"...its amazing, because that is usually the last thing on our minds! I feel he treats me more like a daughter than a wife. I have told him this. It doesn't register. One moment he will be nice and rub my back, fix me breakfast, etc...and then the next minute be controlling and bring up past problems, etc...he doesn't allow me to talk to certain people, because he's afraid they will hit on me, if they are male. He tries to analyze each of my friends and give me his opinion on them. He's very gossipy, which I am not. In my younger years, I worked in public accounting and myself and other employees (male & female) had to go to client locations...he would not allow me to ride in the same car as a man. He made me drive myself. It was embarrassing, because I was the only employee that had to do this...I had to make excuses to my co-workers as to why I had to drive separately. he just has a complex that I will cheat on him and he cannot move on. The moral of my story here is that because of all this, I cannot be attracted to him sexually because I don't feel like a lover....just a friend (or daughter in some cases...lol). I just want to be myself and I feel like I cannot. I am not trying to be selfish or unfaithful...just need a little breathing room or freedom, but he takes it as I must be going to see other men. there is alot more to this but too much to type at this moment. Any suggestions out there? I am not sure his attitude is "fixable", as he comes from a family history or major divorce and unfaithfulness. He just has a complex and wants to do anything he can to control it from happening to him, but really its just pushing me away...yes, I have expressed this to him as well. We have both made mistakes in our marriage, but he keeps letting the past affect us today and its just really turning me off and pushing me away from him. I feel stuck.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

RiverCountry, You should pick one of the forums and start you own thread. Its too confusing to mix different OP's threads.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

JenniferMarried36 said:


> Not trying to give bad advice here but your kids are the most important.
> 
> 1) Do you still sleep in the same bed?
> 
> ...


:wtf: 

*What needs? Her needs to give her husband an std?*

I really cannot believe you posted that in a forum called Coping With Infidelity.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jennifer1986 said:


> I often wonder why people just make assumptions, most likely they are projecting their own situations. Donny64 almost came out hostile making accusations. I hope OP's recent new info make people stop making such comments.
> I stand by my suggestion your resentments need to dealt with. Yes, you have many reasons to have resentments. Being overwhelmed does not help either. Just trying to carry on your duties and not thinking does not help. Telling yourself h is the breadwinner and a good guy does NOT help.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We make assumptions based on what we are told.

If someone makes further posts explaining the situation in more detail, then we can adjust our input, accordingly. 

Which has happened here, IMO.

We now see that explode is having many more problems. If he husband is as unattractive as he sounds (smelly clothes, not even willing to pick up his own fork, etc) then maybe that might explain part of the problem.


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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

I don't have low sex drive. I have no sex drive for him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hookares said:


> "Likewise, a husband meeting his wife's needs can be a huge turn on for a woman, as long as he is not doing it to buy sex. A woman can tell the motivation from a mile away."


I was responding to a person who made a statement equating a man doing housework to be butt kissing. There was no qualification of when it would be considered butt kissing, thus it appears he meant that a man should not be doing housework..ever. 


hookares said:


> If they both work, then obviously they should be SHARED.


Apparently this is not obvious to a lot of men. I’ve known men who refuse to do any house work even when their as a job outside the home. I’ve even know many men who will not do any housework even when they do not have a job and their wife is the sole income earner.

Again the person I was responding to did not clearify that there are times when it is only right that a man take responsibility (not help but take responsibility) for his fair share of housework, cooking, etc.


hookares said:


> OK, then. If he's going to be denied "sex" or anything else which he thought matrimony would bestow upon him, what should he expect to get in return?


If a man or women is denied sex by their partner they should divorce their spouse if the spouse will not work to repair the situation.



hookares said:


> In the traditional marriage where the husband was the sole financial provider, it usually fell on his spouse to provide solution for the daily household tasks.


Less than 50% of marriage today are traditional marriages. And even in traditional marriages there is a time when the husband still has responsibility for some housework. Both husband & wife should be in 8-10 hours a day working at their job… in a “traditional” marriage the man would work outside the home. And the woman would work inside the home. But after 10 hours of work, 5 days a week, then anything else that has to be done in the house, yard, with kids is equally the responsibility of both spouses. A SAHM does not have a 24/7 work schedule while her husband works 8-5, 5 days a week.


hookares said:


> Once the "new" wears off it should be up to BOTH to rekindle whatever is missing.


I agree that both should work to rekindle and keep the relationship healthy. I have no idea why you are talking to me in a way that sounds like you think I would disagree with this.

Yep, and now that we Explode has given us the core problem we know that her husband needs to get off his arse and start giving her some support. So yes HE needs to do what is necessary. Until he does, there is not really a lot she can do. Her not feeling like having sex with him is very understandable.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

explode said:


> Well Donny64 our situation is a little of the opposite. When we were first married we both worked and went to school. WE both cleaned house, did laundry, paid the bills, etc. Now he is the only one with an income. I am a full time stay at home mom. I do all of the household chores. I am fine with doing most, since I am at home,but he will not do anything. He doesn't even reach across the table to get his fork at meal time. We have 2 special needs children and i have to make 3 three seperate dinners most nights because of that. So gettting everything to the table can get kinda crazy each night. He can see or hear me trying to get all of the meals cooked and manage the kids, while our youngest will literally sit on my foot so i have to walk back and forth across the kitchen with her on my leg and he will not help unless or until I am screaming nad crying.


Finally, after many pages we have the reason you feel as you do. How long has this been going on?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

explode said:


> I don't have low sex drive. I have no sex drive for him.


I'm not surprised at all that you have no sex drive for our husband. You are exhausted. He does not take responsibility for those things that you should be. 

You have children clinging to you ... this alone is enough to make a person feel like they have nothing left to give at the end of the day.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

explode said:


> I don't have low sex drive. I have no sex drive for him.


well after reading your post about how overwhelmed you are I can understand your lack of desire for your husband....


with that said theres always TWO sides to the story.
I would like to hear your husbands side . He is most likley just as overwhelmed as you. You guys have a rough situation 2 special needs children must be crazy hard to deal with lots of emotional and finanical hurdels. even families without special need children have a difficult time adjusting to what a family life style should be like.

Its easy when your over worked to look at your partner and think damn I wish he would help more here or there ....why am I the only one to have to do these things while he gets a free pass.

and he might be think simaliar things like why am I the only one to have to go to work everyday and be the sole suporter everybody else has two incomes and with special needs children we really need it now more than ever.Or he might be thinking I work all day and give my all for the family and she don't even desire me or apreiciate me or my efforts. 

not saying this is your exact situation just trying to illastrate a point.

I really think your problem is more about comunicating and understanding eachothers needs and to not taking eachother for granted.


OR i can be way off base and your married to a selfish jerk who just don't care.and hes married to a self rightious woman who thinks she dose everything.

answer me this when your child is hanging on your leg and if you asked nicley...hey honny could you please occupie her for awhile as I cook dinner for our family. what would he say. did you ever ask him or do you think he should just do it.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

unresolved.


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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

This makes me want to cry. We have our issues, both of us. I have asked him,but if i don't ask every single time he doesn't do it. I hate this now, because i feel like he's being made the monster and he isn't. I really think he is tired and oblivious.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

explode said:


> There are things about him I respect and love and things about him that bother and annoy me. We have been married for 11 years that is just how it is or him and me. I think he's talented and creative. He has an o.k. sense of humor. He cares about us( me an our 3 kids) and the world around us. He has a pretty good world view. He is a good parent. If I could go back in time i wouldn't marry him again but i would be friends with him. I wouldn't want to erase having known him. I feel priveledged to know him.


 
Nevermind i see it


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

explode said:


> I haven't ever had any affair and I don't want to. If we end up getting divorced that wouldrip my family apart on its own. Adding something like that into the mix and into our lives would make it 10 times moe awful. I'm not judging anyone , because I haven't walked a mile in thier shoes, but fortunately, infidelity hasn't been an isuse in our marriage.


Ok Found it sorry..


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You're a wife who hasn't been acting like a wife..probably for quite a while. That must mess with your self-image. I'm a cop and if I just quite doing my job but still kept collecting my pay, I'd feel lousy about myself. If you can't have sex for him, how about doing it for you? So you can at least have the satisfaction of knowing that you're genuinely being what you've been telling the world you are and not being a fraud. If he's smelly, hop in the shower with him and make sure he gets clean. I can't imagine he'd mind. 
Quite a while ago, I was married to a woman who was turned out to be a real battle axe. She also let her appearance seriously go. I had zero interest in having sex with her but when I agree to do a job, I do a job. I never turned her down or made her feel unattractive. I didn't do it cause I was turned on but because if I refused her, I would have been a piss-poor excuse for a husband. I would have been less than I expected of myself. She had lots of faults but she was still a human being with legitimate needs and feelings.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Hate to answer a question with a question but why is it that overwhelmingly on this site there are far more women than men that feel nothing for their husbands? Is this a fairytail "spark" thing I'm hearing so much about?

In a long term relationship its inevitable that there will be times when the romance is dead. So you fight through it.

In life...everything can be related back to football. Being a great team has nothing to do with how you win. It's about how you act when you lose. Do you fight through it or give up?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

explode said:


> This makes me want to cry. We have our issues, both of us. I have asked him,but if i don't ask every single time he doesn't do it. I hate this now, because i feel like he's being made the monster and he isn't. I really think he is tired and oblivious.


No he's not a monster. But he needs to work with you to fix things in your marriage. You are overwhelmed and need him to support you more. If he's just tired then you need to help him out more too.

The two of you need help. Your feelings about things are much clearer now. It's much easier to solve a problem if the source of it is known.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sinnister said:


> Hate to answer a question with a question but why is it that overwhelmingly on this site there are far more women than men that feel nothing for their husbands? Is this a fairytail "spark" thing I'm hearing so much about?
> 
> In a long term relationship its inevitable that there will be times when the romance is dead. So you fight through it.
> 
> In life...everything can be related back to football. Being a great team has nothing to do with how you win. It's about how you act when you lose. Do you fight through it or give up?


Well, there are a fair number of women here whose husband feel nothing for them. These are women whose hubands refuse to have sex with them, refuse to do anything like dates, or spend any time with them. Do you think that these men also believe in a "fairytail spark thing" too?

Maybe when women find themselves feeling this way they are more likely to look for a solution and that's why they are here... whether they are the one who feels no attraction or desire for sex or they are the ones whose husbands are no longer attracted to them adn no longer want sex?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

explode said:


> This makes me want to cry. We have our issues, both of us. I have asked him,but if i don't ask every single time he doesn't do it. I hate this now, because i feel like he's being made the monster and he isn't. I really think he is tired and oblivious.


This is the cross parents must bear when special needs kids are involved. I have a son that is high function autistic. For the most part, you wouldn't know he had it. However, it can be real hell dealing with him especially now that he's in his teenage years. My wife and I will hit our limits; however, we are there for each other and each of us are willing to "take over" when the other hits that wall while dealing with our son. You can't afford for one of the parents to lose themselves in a "fog" of depression while the other parent has to do the majority of the work to deal with the house and the special needs kids. I'm sure your husband has felt shame, regret, anger, depression, sorrow - a whole slew of emotions - over why he was so lucky to have 2 kids with special needs. I get it. However, you have to push past those emotions and continually find the positives in life that makes your family special. He needs to basically get over himself and be willing to work with you as a team to keep your family stable and moving forward. No, your husband is not a monster, but I think he is overwhelmed and doesn't know how to handle the kids. This puts you in the untenable position of having to deal with it all. At least that is what it looks like.

Search deep within yourself and ask yourself this question: If all of your kids were born "normal", do you think your relationship with your husband would be different? My guess is yes it would be and you would be in love with him if you had a normal family. Because your family is not normal, your husband is trying to escape into his own little world and is leaving you there to pick up the pieces. That not only builds resentment but it also causes you to "rewrite history" to the point where you probably feel that you never loved your husband. The reality is probably different and that at one time you felt true love for the man. But things changed with the kids and he "checked out" mentally.


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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

I wrote in my original post that the intent of that post was just to find out, from some folks who are going through the same thing or something similar, what they have tried. What has or hasn't worked for you. That's all. Thanks to everyone who took the time to respond with the intentions of helping. I don't think anyone can fully cover or even really break the surface in sharing all of the nuances and variables that go in to making a relationship what it is. However, without those things you can not fully understand the reasons behind the problem(s). That is why I was just seeking some suggestions based on your experiences.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

We have to justify every action (or inaction) to ourselves. The more you don't have sex with your husband, the more often you must convince yourself that he is undesirable. The more you have sex with him, the more desirable he will become to you. Whether I will dread going to work or eagerly anticipate it is entirely my choice.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

If therapy(IC, MC, or Sexual) is not working, coupled with his adamant refusal to participate in it, then there are not many options left on the table for you.

Would it remotely be out of the question that he might not be engaged in an extramarital affair of some kind?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Ask your husband what magic potion he uses to convince himself to daily trot off to work so he can help support a woman who feels nothing for him.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Well, there are a fair number of women here whose husband feel nothing for them. These are women whose hubands refuse to have sex with them, refuse to do anything like dates, or spend any time with them. Do you think that these men also believe in a "fairytail spark thing" too?
> 
> *Maybe when women find themselves feeling this way they are more likely to look for a solution and that's why they are here... whether they are the one who feels no attraction or desire for sex or they are the ones whose husbands are no longer attracted to them adn no longer want sex?*


This is a fair point that I hadnt considered.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

Looks like the division of labor is a major issue here. Something that might be best served with a thread of it's own in another section. It's a tricky one. How do you get a husband to help you out when he's already exhausted himself? And how to make sure it doesn't taper off after a while?

I'm assuming you've already talked to him about it?


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Like so many, you make the assumption that house chores are women's work and men should not do them.




Ele,

Nothing could be further from the truth. I've said many times on these forums that the guy should be doing his fair share around the house, and if he isn't, that's on him and he needs to step it up. 




> The issue is not that if a man does house chores his wife will not respect him. The issue is that women do not like or respect a man who waits on them with the expectation that it will buy sex.
> 
> Women do like/respect and are attracted to men who pull their own weight and take care of their crap. Doing housework won't get a man laid. But doing his part to take care of the household (which includes his share of housework) will gain a man respect and attraction from his wife.
> 
> ...


The rest of what you said I agree with. Being maid and butler to a woman, and increasing these activities (if he's already doing his fair share, and all other things being equal) is not the way to go. We see it very often. A woman treats a man badly, or witholds sex, or has simply lost attraction for him...men who are reportedly "good men" otherwise, and he tries to do "more" in the way of GIFTS. Gifts being kissing butt, cooking dinners, cleaning the house, all in some vain hope that since this is the excuse she used (i.e. "I'm tired, if you'd do more, maybe I'd be in the mood more often") that she'll "come around". And then it never happens. Pretty soon the guy is handling everything, while she is taking advantage of it and does not appreciate it, and there is STILL no sex. 

My point is this....the man of the house should be doing equitable work in the house. Not MORE than that out of some frustrated hope that he'll get sex out of it because she "thinks" that's what she wants. It's b.s. It's an excuse. And the guys who fall for it actually lose attractiveness in the eyes of their mate. 

House chores are just that...chores. To be shared. Not to be used for bartering for sex or as a "gift" to reward bad behavior on her part. I think most women can see right through these "gifts" given in order to "buy" affection, and they lose attraction for their mate as a result. 

I think if more men "got that", they'd be happier. I've tried it the other way (doing too much), and failed. But, in the time I've been with my W, I do my fair share. If she's having a bad day or week, I'll step it up. If she's being snarky or unappreciative, I back off (I'll still do my part, but no, there will be no "extras"). I also NEVER buy gifts or flowers because I screwed up, or because we had sex. NEVER. I can't stand the prevailing sentiment that seems to be there when a woman gets flowers at the office....."oh, what did he do wrong now?", or "you must have done something REALLY good for him". I'll never do it as a "sorry" or as a "reward" for any particular act. She'll get them for no other reason than I love her and she treats me well on a day in and day out basis, and I just want to do something a little special for her sometimes. The only "reward" she gets for treating me well is my treating her very well in return. If she's not treating me well, I damn sure am not going to "step up" my efforts, because I am already doing enough. I will step them up just out of appreciation at times. Believe me, I cook my fair share of dinners, and likely considerably more than my fair share. The day she starts treating me badly is the day that stops.


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## WEDDING_PLANNER1964 (Aug 14, 2012)

My wife and I went through a similar phase a couple of years ago. We mended things after a TERRIFIC night 4 summers ago. A friend of mine got a hold of MDMA (ecstasy) and told me that my wife and I should have an intimate night together and just talk about the problems in our marriage. We did it and it was the best thing we ever did. We talked through all of our problems within the first hour of taking the drug and spent the rest of the time just wrapped in each other, exploring each others bodies. It was like restarting our relationship and it was like all of those feelings that you have at the beginning of a relationship, the excitement, the not wanting to let go of each other, it all came back in the matter of a couple of hours. From there on out our relationship has been amazing. We have a deep understanding for each other, and the special bond we share that life has a way of grinding down, has been restored and built much stronger.

Not condoning drug use to fix your marriage, but just saying it did work for me.

Also, you could try having a threesome with him and another man if he would be interested. Not all men are open to sharing but it can be a FANTASTIC and erotic experience.

Cheers Mate


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

WEDDING_PLANNER1964 said:


> . We mended things after a TERRIFIC night 4 summers ago. A friend of mine got a hold of MDMA (ecstasy) and told me that my wife and I should have an intimate night together
> 
> Also, you could try having a threesome with him and another man if he would be interested.


Boy. Let's see how many people concur with the brilliance of the advice.


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