# If you left a sexless marriage and are unhappy now please post.



## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

I have seen multiple people on TAM who left sexless marriages and are now happy and fulfilled in their new relationships. I'm one, HappyAsAClam, and SamYeager to name a few. I know there are others I can't name off the top of my head. 

So my question is, has anyone left a sexless or nearly sexless marriage and regretted it? Has anyone stayed in one and are now glad they did?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

We I am in the "left and now happier than I have ever been" group.

The flip side is my ex (who was the ND/LD one with emotional issues) was forced into divorce because I left him is also very happy. He was with the wrong person as much as I was. In almost 5 years post separation he has only dated one woman for a few weeks and will probably stay single for a long time to come. But he is happy, he doesn't have to worry about sex or emotional connection any more.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Holland said:


> We I am in the "left and now happier than I have ever been" group.
> 
> The flip side is my ex (who was the ND/LD one with emotional issues) was forced into divorce because I left him is also very happy. He was with the wrong person as much as I was. In almost 5 years post separation he has only dated one woman for a few weeks and will probably stay single for a long time to come. But he is happy, he doesn't have to worry about sex or emotional connection any more.


Unless you've lived a long fulfilling life I cant understand how he could be happy in that life. Just weird. I'm happy for you that you got out.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Good to hear Holland! And good for your x as well. I think I forget sometimes that the LD spouce is probably miserable too.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

My story matches Holland's a lot. My ex-h wasn't a withholder, he just wasn't very sexual and he was a loner. He doesn't date people since we've split, for 11 years now. He is happier being alone. He would have never D'd me (I was the one to leave) but he found out when I left that he was actually happier.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Separating would be so much easier if both parties accepted, gracefully, that they are, afterall, simply not compatible.

Due to children etc my exit plans come into effect in about four years time. 
I would feel so much better if my wife just said 'I think we have grown apart over the years...why not live our separate lives but come together as a family for the children as and when?'...

But its all going to be my fault...I will be the ogre.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

askari, same here. I had to be the bad guy. I'm sure everyone ws sure I was cheating(I wasn't) or was leaving because of sex. Yes sex was a BIG part but there was so much more. There was about 2 or 3 months where my parents really didn't have much to say to me, unless it was to guilt trip me about the kids. To her family of course I was the biggest Ahole on the planet. But you know what? I DON'T CARE! I knew going in, like you, it was all going to be my fault. I accepted that before I ever even talked to my X about splitting. It was worth every minute.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I too am in the "left and now happier than I have ever been" group, due to a vastly improved and frequent sex life.

After I divorced her, my ex was happier too - she was very LD, but after 7 or 8 years found a LD man who moved in, so I assume she's still happier than she was.


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## MotoDude (Sep 15, 2010)

I had always tho my marriage was just like this limited sex and when she want, asked and rejected, rejected, rejected. I stop asking and come down to once a month. When we talk about doing it more she would say we will see....hmmm! 5 years ago I started talking to my married friends and how their wife treated them. The things they tell me made me open my eyes and what I missed all these years. I google and found TAM, I read alot of you guys post....man 19 years of sheity sex and never any BJ's. I talk and tried to fix things...nope, so beginning of 2014 I left and I'm now happier and with a woman that respect me and no schedule for bedroom time, anytime, any place and she will be my fantasy.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

I'm starting to get the feeling the saying "the grass isn't always greener" might be a crock. More accurate would be "the grass isn't ALWAYS greener, but a lot of times it is.

MotoDude, it was actually a resurection of your old post that made me think about this. I've not seen, or don't remember seeing, anyone who left a sexless marriage and ended up miserable.


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## MotoDude (Sep 15, 2010)

Yes- i posted my situation before on others thread. I just like to shared how much more happier I am.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

It would seem to me that this would be very different for men and it would be for women. Men can't leave due to financial reasons and will also forgo any other relationship because what woman would want to date a guy who owes more than half of his money to someone else and who cannot spend money on her. Men have to make the decision if they want no sex and their current situation or no sex and no money. 

Women can leave because they get paid in a divorce and are free to start another relationship without money being an issue. Go ahead and flame away, but this is true and it's also the reason I'm not divorced...yet.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> It would seem to me that this would be very different for men and it would be for women. Men can't leave due to financial reasons and will also forgo any other relationship because what woman would want to date a guy who owes more than half of his money to someone else and who cannot spend money on her. Men have to make the decision if they want no sex and their current situation or no sex and no money.
> 
> Women can leave because they get paid in a divorce and are free to start another relationship without money being an issue. Go ahead and flame away, but this is true and it's also the reason I'm not divorced...yet.


That certainly may be true in some cases. If alimony and child support are involved it will make life very difficult. BUT not all women are materialistic. When I met my wife for the first time, I was driving a 20 year old beat up ass pick up truck that burned oil faster than gas. Didn't phase her one bit. She never once asked how much I made or how much I paid in child support. It just didn't matter to her. She knew I worked, and I guess she knew I made enough to support myself and keep my bills paid and that was all that mattered. We didn't really go out that often but I'd cook her dinner or we'd go to a park. She's told me since that me cooking for her blew her away more than anything i could have done. She'd never had a man even help her cook before much less cook FOR her.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> It would seem to me that this would be very different for men and it would be for women. Men can't leave due to financial reasons and will also forgo any other relationship because what woman would want to date a guy who owes more than half of his money to someone else and who cannot spend money on her. Men have to make the decision if they want no sex and their current situation or no sex and no money.
> 
> Women can leave because they get paid in a divorce and are free to start another relationship without money being an issue. Go ahead and flame away, but this is true and it's also the reason I'm not divorced...yet.


What century do you live in?


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

jb02157 said:


> It would seem to me that this would be very different for men and it would be for women. Men can't leave due to financial reasons and will also forgo any other relationship because what woman would want to date a guy who owes more than half of his money to someone else and who cannot spend money on her. Men have to make the decision if they want no sex and their current situation or no sex and no money.
> 
> Women can leave because they get paid in a divorce and are free to start another relationship without money being an issue. Go ahead and flame away, but this is true and it's also the reason I'm not divorced...yet.


And yet....in this thread, several men have posted that they left anyway and are HAPPIER!! *shocking*

It's not that men "can't" leave, they won't. I realize it's personal choice, but I can't fathom how ppl tolerate living in misery because they can't bear to split assets.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> It would seem to me that this would be very different for men and it would be for women. Men can't leave due to financial reasons and will also forgo any other relationship because what woman would want to date a guy who owes more than half of his money to someone else and who cannot spend money on her. Men have to make the decision if they want no sex and their current situation or no sex and no money.
> 
> Women can leave because they get paid in a divorce and are free to start another relationship without money being an issue. Go ahead and flame away, but this is true and it's also the reason I'm not divorced...yet.



Hey, I want to join the pile on...!!!

I think you are just using this as an excuse.

I divorced, I paid more than half of my money, and I am now happily married to a beautiful woman who enjoys sex with me.

Sure I had to learn how to make do. I had to scrimp and save and be creative with my finances. And I am in a better place now than I was before, while I am still paying half my income. In 10 months that stops and I am going to get the biggest raise of my life. I hope I don't go crazy spending all of that money. 

And she is the one who is not in a relationship - probably because that is the way she likes it.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Women don't get paid to get a divorce grrr that makes me mad. Often they are going from a comfortable married lifestyle to a financially struggling lifestyle, if they were a SAHM previously they have to find work AND often still have the major parenting role.

Yet many of us still go on after divorce to a much happier life.

jb02157 you are making excuses and/or you find comfort in living a miserable life. It is OK many of us have been there. But one day you need to stand up and take responsibility for the **** you have helped to create. Stop blaming women, money etc. If you want to find a happier, more contented life just do it. If you want to keep living a miserable life where everyone else is to blame but you, just do it.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

Holland said:


> Women don't get paid to get a divorce grrr that makes me mad. Often they are going from a comfortable married lifestyle to a financially struggling lifestyle, if they were a SAHM previously they have to find work AND often still have the major parenting role.
> 
> Yet many of us still go on after divorce to a much happier life.
> 
> jb02157 you are making excuses and/or you find comfort in living a miserable life. It is OK many of us have been there. But one day you need to stand up and take responsibility for the **** you have helped to create. Stop blaming women, money etc. If you want to find a happier, more contented life just do it. If you want to keep living a miserable life where everyone else is to blame but you, just do it.



All very good points...


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

There were several thoughts about finances before I took the plunge. I was worried how I would come out. I was worried how my X would make it on her own. I was worried about the kids because there's no way they'd leave their mom to live with me. So I had to worry about how their life would be with her. She's not the best at managing money. And it was a very tough decision jb, but it works out. That's the thing people tend to lose sight of, crap like this always works out. No one is going to die because you D. You might not have the car you want or the house you want, but if you're patient and a little lucky you can have the marriage you want with the woman or man you always needed. I wouldn't trade what I have now for any amount of money.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Holland said:


> Women don't get paid to get a divorce grrr that makes me mad. Often they are going from a comfortable married lifestyle to a financially struggling lifestyle, if they were a SAHM previously they have to find work AND often still have the major parenting role.
> 
> Yet many of us still go on after divorce to a much happier life.
> 
> jb02157 you are making excuses and/or you find comfort in living a miserable life. It is OK many of us have been there. But one day you need to stand up and take responsibility for the **** you have helped to create. Stop blaming women, money etc. If you want to find a happier, more contented life just do it. If you want to keep living a miserable life where everyone else is to blame but you, just do it.


Women do, statistically, come out financially better than men in American divorces. That shouldn't even be a topic of serious debate.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

As many on TAM will attest, the book His Needs Her Needs lays clearly spells out that both men and women have "must haves" in a relationship to be fulfilled by their partner. So while having a sexless marriage may be one reason for divorce and make both parties happy, it is certainly not the only reason. Sex, or lack thereof, may be critically important to some and not others. That's not to say that someone leaving a sexless marriage is wrong. If that's too much for them to handle, then by all means leave. But realize that others have needs that are just as critically important that may not be sexual and that living without them may also be grounds for legitimate divorce.


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

Wow, that is very interesting. I wonder if he was schizoid



Faithful Wife said:


> My story matches Holland's a lot. My ex-h wasn't a withholder, he just wasn't very sexual and he was a loner. He doesn't date people since we've split, for 11 years now. He is happier being alone. He would have never D'd me (I was the one to leave) but he found out when I left that he was actually happier.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Encouraging. One of my fears of leaving is that I will be alone for the rest of my life. Sure, I could find someone to have sex with but that isn't the same. So, I have a fear of either being alone or settling for somebody because the sex is great but otherwise isn't a match. I'm not getting any younger. It is encouraging to me that other people have been able to find either what they were searching for or at the very least some level of happiness.

I see a lot of people saying that finances is just an excuse. I can see it both ways. Finances are not a concern for ME personally ... I have lots of stuff and a big house and I don't need any of it. I need a clean place with a roof and a bed. Yeah, it might be a struggle but I imagine that over time, I might be better off financially. Children, however, puts an entirely different perspective on things. It is more important to me to make sure my children can be provided for by both of us and have a stable living environment than it is to get laid. Something I've mentioned in my posts before ... my wife needs to get established in a full-time job making a reasonable wage. If she does that then I have no concern about post-divorce finances and I can leave. She is making progress on that but it is slow-going and is trying my patience on plans to divorce.

The other concern of course is time with my daughters. During my year-long separation, even though I did not entertain other relationships, I was generally happier. I did not miss my wife. It KILLED me not to be with my daughters every day. That hurt. It will be even harder now. It won't always be this way but they are at an age where there is so much going on that almost all of my free time is devoted to them. It is difficult to imagine swinging it in two separate households.

The craziness: Yesterday - My wife happens to be working at the moment at the same elementary school my daughter goes to. I get a last minute notice that my youngest has softball pictures at 6:20pm. My oldest daughter has an orchestra event at 7:00pm. Texts are flying to coordinate this with my wife. I leave work a little early and rush home. My oldest daughter is there but mom and other daughter haven't made it home yet. I'm watching the clock counting down the minutes before I have to leave. I change my clothes and rush to find my daughters softball uniform, etc. They come home and I'm standing at the door with clothes in hand. My wife has chinese food in her hand. My daughter changes right there at the front door, I grab some food and a couple of forks to take with us. We run to the car, food in hand. Make it to the place just as they are getting started. We run up to the field with shrimp rolls shoved in our mouths. Pictures done we run back to the car and scramble over to the orchestra event with about 5 minutes to spare ... giving us that much time to eat as much lo mein as we can get in our mouths, lol. Orchestra event over, the girls still have to finish homework. I have to stop by the store to pick up snacks for yet another thing my girls went to today. My wife takes the girls home, I meet them home with snacks in hand. At this point it is 8:30 and the sun is almost down but I have to cut the grass because I won't have time the rest of the week. Halfway through a bunny falls into one of our basement window wells. I grab the girls and a box and we have a bunny rescue operation. They go to bed and I'm finishing cutting the grass around 10pm by moonlight. I'm sure my neighbors hate me but who cares. At this point all I've eaten is a shrimp roll and a little bit of lo mein and i'm starving, so it's dinner time. Eat dinner and grab laundry from the dryer to put away. Everybody's asleep and I'm still trying to get things done.

Today - More of the same. Youngest daughter softball game at 5:30. Was hoping for a rainout but no luck. I leave work early ... again. Pick up my youngest from American Heritage Girls and have her change in the car. I change my pants and shoes in the car so I can help with pre-game practice. My wife takes my oldest from American Heritage Girls to dance practice. I get home at around 7:30 with my youngest, I feed her and help her prepare for a test she'll have tomorrow. Wife and other daughter get home at 8:15. Oldest daughter finishes homework while I fight with the other one to pick up her stuff and get ready for bed. Put the girls to bed. Wife goes to bed. More laundry. Finally ... I'm writing this.

Those are pretty typical evenings. Unsaid in this whirlwind of things is the time I'm getting to spend with my daughters. I can't imagine managing all this as a divorced couple. Another thing is that it KILLS me that I'm basically celibate with no intimacy whatsoever ... and that I feel like I've missed out on what should have been the best years of my life ... but there is a part of me that feels it would be an entirely selfish act to not be there for my girls the way I am now because I want to get laid. An immoral act. It is this constant nagging background noise in my head telling me it is not the right thing to do. I've gone this long without and the only one it really negatively affects is me so ...


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Hi JustSomeGuyWho,

You know that you are special? I know that self doubt can wear you down. The self doubt is also certainly not helped by being in what is supposed to be a loving relationship.

Yet, you should remember when you were first dating or when you were getting married. In other words, there was plenty about you that was attractive and sought after.

The point I am making is that you are still that attractive person. You need to accept that you are still that person and that you have simply let your self doubt grow while adjusting to a relationship that turned out not to be a great fit.

Where you go in your life is up to you, it doesn't matter about the years before, you gave it your best and it didn't work out. The only thing stopping you from taking an enormous weight off you heart is you.

I hope you are able to understand this and will open the door to your better life.

Best.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Personal said:


> Hi JustSomeGuyWho,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Edit: I read this and realized I sound a bit indignant ... ok, maybe more than a bit. I do appreciate your response and feedback. It isn't an easy situation for me; I've been carrying around a truckload of pain for quite a long time now. As I said, it is good to hear that people are able to find happiness.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Ok, it took me a second to get over being angry about this one. I am grateful for the response. Let me just say that fear does not influence my decision making process. I am not in this marriage because of fear. I absolutely agree about choices. I am well aware that if I end up alone it will be my fault and nobody else. However, it isn't always clear at the time you are making the choices which path it's going to put you on. If it was, I would be wealthy by now.


I feel for your situation although I've never been in a sexless marriage, I've been there and lost the t-shirt myself. I've been married twice and have children from both relationships, 1 teen boy and 1 younger girl with my current wife plus one adult daughter from my first marriage.



JustSomeGuyWho said:


> We do not loathe each other by any stretch. We were at that point a few years ago and I separated because of it. We are good friends and have a pleasant relationship even if it isn't a sexual one. Our family life is pretty good and our children are happy and well-adjusted. My daughters have a very close relationship with both of us. There is a lot of laughter in this house.


It's great that you don't loath one another, and are pleasant friends, however are really sure that you are? Since as I read it you are unhappy and considering divorce. That doesn't sound like friendship to me. If things were so nice you wouldn't be contemplating an exit.

Also if everything else is great and you both have no care for each other sexually, I can't see why you can't both have other sexual relationships in an open marriage, unless of course you do still care for her sexually? Though it is a problem if you do still feel for your wife that way, I can't see how staying with her under that circumstance when your love isn't reciprocated leads to anything but further resentment from you.



JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I want them to thrive.


So they will get to grow up knowing that their parents don't like each other and are living a life bereft of love and affection. Or that their parents have lived a life of deceit!

In my book a big part of being moral is having the courage and integrity to be honest to those that you love. I wonder whether your daughters will appreciate going into their own adult sexual relationships, having grown up thinking that marriage is either supposed to be sexless or a sham (as exampled by their parents)? I can't see how that's a great way to thrive.



JustSomeGuyWho said:


> "Reveling" in misery?, lol. Hardly. That implies that somehow I take pleasure in my pain which is ridiculous.


Of course someone can take comfort from their pain. We wouldn't have martyrs in this world if people didn't get a high out of it. Pain is natures way of telling you that something is wrong and you need to stop the cause of that pain. Unfortunately there are plenty of people who can find enumerate reasons to ensure that the pain keeps coming. Though that isn't my thing, I know there are people who really enjoy it. 



JustSomeGuyWho said:


> It is difficult to hear someone say that I've chosen to be celibate ... after all, I can't make her have sex with me. Nobody goes into a marriage choosing to be celibate. Of course, it's true at some level but I prefer to think that what I've chosen is to stay in this and fight to bring intimacy back to my life without losing myself (infidelity). It is only recently that I've accepted that it isn't a fight I am going to win. It isn't black and white and there are shades of morality. With children there are always sacrifices and I would in no way categorize them as selfish. You do it for them and you do it out of love. If you took a bullet for your child, would you call it a selfish act? Saying that staying for your children is an immoral selfish act reveling in your misery sounds more like self-justification and excuse making to me than actually staying for your children. All that said, it doesn't mean at the end of the day I am going to stay but it is something that weighs heavily on me.


Of course it's difficult to hear, since marriages aren't supposed to be celibate. I concur that people don't go into marriages intending to be celibate, yet despite that you are still finding reasons to keep living that lifestyle. I understand that some comfort can be found, from telling yourself that a pleasant relationship with their (platonic long term live-in) friend is a noble act. Yet when that platonic friend is supposed to be a wife, there's nothing healthy in hiding the truth from oneself whatever it's shade.

Good luck in the future, I hope your reasons will keep you warm.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> As I said, it is good to hear that people are able to find happiness.


And you are no different.

Do you really think one parent can maintain all those extracurricular activities with 2 girls? If you separate, their mom is going to need your help in taking them place to place and coordinating everything. It is extremely likely you would be seeing your girls more often than a typical divorced dad.

Children are better off with HAPPY parents. Do not assume your girls have no idea about the dynamics between you and your wife.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

My husband did not leave and he is very glad he stayed. I was a low LD wife for over 30 years. It was not a sexless marriage but he was lucky to get it 2 to 3 times a month. And "it" was "hurry up and get it over" sex. After 30 plus years, I had a sexual awakening, dealt with my religious sexual repression issues and for the past 8 years our sex life has been amazing. So yeah - it does happen. I don't think it happens that often - but more often than you think - and way less often than it should! 

I don't like the fact that JustSomeGuy is being given flack for staying in his marriage. He is making a conscious choice, and I think others should be supportive, not putting him down for it! Yes, he is sacrificing something important to him - but he is sacrificing it to have something else that is also important to him, something that he has decided is even more important than having a satisfying sex life for now! He is choosing to be in the every day - day to day lives of his children and allowing his children to live full time with both their mother and father. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this choice - and he and his wife are making it work. So why the flack??

Others here have made a different choice - and that is perfectly OK too. Everyone has to make their own choice about what is important to them - what their priorities are and what they can live with and can not live with. And that is different for different people. One way is not necessarily better than the others. Although for each individual - one way is better than the other - and each individual gets to choose what that is for themselves.

Yes, the ideal is that both partners needs, including sexual needs, get met and that they have a happy marriage and raise their children together in a happy home. But the ideal is not always achieved. But to say that men and women can not create a happy home for their children, even if their marriage is not ideal and even when there are serious problems in the relationship is ludicrous. Is it hard to do? Absolutely. But it is possible!! Men and women can put aside their differences and problems - and even sacrifice some of their own happiness and needs - and work together to create a happy home for their children - IF both of them choose to and work really hard to do that. If that is what JustSomeGuy and his wife have done - then why is he being criticized for staying??


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

So your marriage was "hurry up" sex about 3 times a month for 30 years? Mary, your husband is a saint.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> So your marriage was "hurry up" sex about 3 times a month for 30 years? Mary, your husband is a saint.


With the exception of the first year or two and when she wanted children, it was limited to once a month for the first 2/3 of our marriage and next to nothing for the last third of our 21 year marriage. Basically have wasted my prime years.

Not keeping score but simply confirming first hand that it sucks and must have been killing Mary's husband.

I'm glad to see Mary and her husband are now able to enjoy a fulfilling sex life. No worries about the past and just enjoy.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> It would seem to me that this would be very different for men and it would be for women. Men can't leave due to financial reasons and will also forgo any other relationship because what woman would want to date a guy who owes more than half of his money to someone else and who cannot spend money on her. Men have to make the decision if they want no sex and their current situation or no sex and no money.
> 
> Women can leave because they get paid in a divorce and are free to start another relationship without money being an issue. Go ahead and flame away, but this is true and it's also the reason I'm not divorced...yet.


I left an unhappy marriage (not because of the sex but because of other issues) and divorced. I didn't get any financial help from my ex at all and brought up my two children myself from babies. I stayed single throughout this time (I did date, but nothing serious as I didn't want a man in the house while I was bringing up the kids - I thought it would cause conflicts in the relationship and I wasn't ever willing to take the side of a man against my kids).

I'm now in a marriage with a LD husband and haven't had sex in 3 months. Contrary to what you say, I'm the biggest earner in my marriage and neither of us is in a position at the moment where we could afford to rent our own apartments, so we're pretty much stuck with each other. Love each other deeply, but the no sex bit is really taking its toll and spoiling the marriage. Just hoping to be able to sort it out before it goes too far.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> With the exception of the first year or two and when she wanted children, it was limited to once a month for the first 2/3 of our marriage and next to nothing for the last third of our 21 year marriage. *Basically have wasted my prime years.*
> 
> Not keeping score but simply confirming first hand that it sucks and *must have been killing Mary's husband.*
> 
> I'm glad to see Mary and her husband are now able to enjoy a fulfilling sex life. No worries about the past and just enjoy.


Exactly what I was thinking. Give up 30 year's in your prime on the off chance that when you're somewhere north of 50 your wife will want you like you always needed? Sounds like a bad deal to me. Pass.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> Exactly what I was thinking. Give up 30 year's in your prime on the off chance that when you're somewhere north of 50 your wife will want you like you always needed? Sounds like a bad deal to me. Pass.


Oh but he's "very glad he stayed".


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

I Don't Know said:


> So your marriage was "hurry up" sex about 3 times a month for 30 years? Mary, your husband is a saint.


Yes - definitely a saint! And a very "nice guy". He didn't push the envelope very much. I often wondered if he did, what would have happened. He has told me that he really thought most women were like me - so it was just a part of being married.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> With the exception of the first year or two and when she wanted children, it was limited to once a month for the first 2/3 of our marriage and next to nothing for the last third of our 21 year marriage. Basically have wasted my prime years.
> 
> Not keeping score but simply confirming first hand that it sucks and must have been killing Mary's husband.
> 
> I'm glad to see Mary and her husband are now able to enjoy a fulfilling sex life. No worries about the past and just enjoy.


I totally agree with you that it sucked for my husband. While I could not see the forest because of the trees back then - I clearly see what I did to him and to our marriage now. I have lots of regrets and sorrow for what I did. And I take full responsibility for it. I wish I knew how to reach women who are like me - I would give them an ear full. But I have learned it doesn't do any good. They have to figure it out on their own, and sadly many never do. Looking back - I could not blame my husband if he left me - at the time I would have blamed him. I hope I have many years with him to make up for what I did (or should I say didn't do).


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

I Don't Know said:


> Exactly what I was thinking. Give up 30 year's in your prime on the off chance that when you're somewhere north of 50 your wife will want you like you always needed? Sounds like a bad deal to me. Pass.


I am not advacating staying for this reason. It seldom happens. I am not sure why it happened in my case. If someone stays in the marriage like mine - they should stay for reasons that are important to them - like JustSomeGuy is doing - not because they hope and pray their spouse will change - especilly when they show not signs of ever changing. 

You asked a question and I answered it for my situation! Sorry you do not like my answer!


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Oh but he's "very glad he stayed".


He is happy with our marriage now - and glad he stayed around for the sake of the kids. He made the right choice for himself based on what was important to him at the time - his children. He had no expectations that I would ever change and was resigned to that fact. 

Yes he lost 30 very precious years of having a happy and frequent sex life. And that is 100% my fault! I own it - I can't change it now - I would if I could!

Again - no one should stay in their marriage thinking this will happen. Most often it does not! One should make the decisions about staying in or leaving their marriage very carefully and based on what they need out of life to be happy. My husband did that and decided he needed to live with his children and be in his children's daily life even if he had to sacrifice his sexual needs! Well - those needs are now being fully met and some!

Sorry if that dissappoints some of you!!! :scratchhead:


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

mary35 said:


> Yes - definitely a saint! And a very "nice guy". He didn't push the envelope very much. I often wondered if he did, what would have happened. He has told me that he really thought most women were like me - so it was just a part of being married.


I thought that way too for 12 years. I get it.



mary35 said:


> He is happy with our marriage now - and glad he stayed around for the sake of the kids. He made the right choice for himself based on what was important to him at the time - his children. He had no expectations that I would ever change and was resigned to that fact.
> 
> Yes he lost 30 very precious years of having a happy and frequent sex life. And that is 100% my fault! I own it - I can't change it now - I would if I could!
> 
> ...


If it works for him, great! I think WOM (if I'm wrong correct me) and I just wonder if he's as happy about it as you think he is. I hope he is. If so, I'm extatic for him!


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

JustSomeGuy,

Sympathize with your story as I'm in a similar situation. We're in our late 40's with two little ones. Wife is asexual and would be happy the rest of her life with no sex. We also don't have a whole lot to talk about aside from the kids, so we're not much more than roommates that share a bed. I also have thoughts of how much I really don't like being around her due to her nagging and immaturity, which is not good (you say that the two of you get along good, which is awesome). However, like you, I'm afraid to leave for several reasons - 1) kids - although mine are little (yours are a bit older), it would be rough juggling kids as divorced parents. We already have a great sitter, and if we split up, we would have to sell the house, and who knows where each end up 2) friends - I have a lot of friends that like her and include her as part of their group. That dynamic would change drastically 3) related to kids - if I'm not there, I'm not sure what my wife would be teaching them and saying about me. She's very immature, and I like to think that I maintain some control of what goes on. If they're with her, I can see her saying to them what an a-hole Daddy is, etc.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Mary,

Great story - if I may ask, what were your issues (you mentioned religious sexual repression, but not sure what that means)? If you'd rather not say, no problem. I'm happy that you were able to overcome these issues and get your sex life back on track. 

Based on what I hear from my wife and her friends (and also from my male friends), a lot of women seem to be just like you were and how my wife is now. Little to no sex, and if there is sex, it's like the description of how you were in the past (hurry up and finish). One close friend of hers has sex all the time, and she's held up as a freak show (which says all that you need to know about my wife).


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

What you're seeing is a self fulfilling prophecy. Or what we call groupthink in psychology 

Those that match the herd's objectives are made part of the herd and made to feel 'normal' while everyone else is a 'freak'


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm similar to Holland as well, though my ex did want sex but not any kind of emotional connection. He wanted me to shut up, spread em for a few minutes until he got his, and then go away. I also forced him into divorce but 9 years later he seems pretty happy with his life. He's still single, has had some women but can't seem to keep them around long. I think he has booty calls here and there but mostly hangs out with neighbors, his three dogs, and his sister who lives with him (I love his sister, only one in his family that was ever nice to me). He sees our boys regularly and according to them seems pretty happy. I was as poor of a match for him as he was for me, and we even get along well these days. Once the relationship was removed he's quite a funny guy.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

john117 said:


> What you're seeing is a self fulfilling prophecy. Or what we call groupthink in psychology
> 
> Those that match the herd's objectives are made part of the herd and made to feel 'normal' while everyone else is a 'freak'


Yep, that's a perfect description. This woman is one of my wife's best friends, and she's a good person (trustworthy, etc). I'd love to have her be the guardian of our kids (that's another story). She just loves sex and somehow that means she's a freak. From my perspective, if for some reason she came onto me, I'd certainly think about fooling around with her (and note that I have never considered cheating on my wife). She's not what you would call a hottie, but is above-average looking. The thing that's attractive about her is that she's confident about herself and she's confident about her sexuality, and that's hot in my book.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Women do, statistically, come out financially better than men in American divorces. That shouldn't even be a topic of serious debate.


Even if that were true...what is happiness worth?


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## Ditch (Apr 16, 2014)

daffodilly said:


> And yet....in this thread, several men have posted that they left anyway and are HAPPIER!! *shocking*
> 
> It's not that men "can't" leave, they won't. I realize it's personal choice, but I can't fathom how ppl tolerate living in misery because they can't bear to split assets.


With the unstable economy, who knows about social security, comingled assets in 401k and Roth401k, life insurance, savings, couldn't afford the house on my own, other stuff that would go bye bye, I take care of "things" myself. We are "friends" but no benefits. So I bought my self motorcycle and go for rides. But the cuddling and massaging that continued from me for quite a while has now stopped. No sex in 6 months, and once in the last year. At 55yo, I will accept what is, doesn't mean I like it. I have thought about a affair, but haven't taken that step, yet.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Ditch said:


> With the unstable economy, who knows about social security, comingled assets in 401k and Roth401k, life insurance, savings, couldn't afford the house on my own, other stuff that would go bye bye, I take care of "things" myself. We are "friends" but no benefits. So I bought my self motorcycle and go for rides. But the cuddling and massaging that continued from me for quite a while has now stopped. No sex in 6 months, and once in the last year. At 55yo, I will accept what is, doesn't mean I like it. I have thought about a affair, but haven't taken that step, yet.


Spot on. Not worth the effort right now to have to deal with splitting money, the house, my business (my partners and I have an agreement in place if someone divorces, but I don't really want to have to get them embroiled in this), not to mention the most important of all, the kids. Maybe I'll get to the point where I can't deal with it anymore, and that may come sooner rather than later. Like Ditch, if I get the urge, I take care of myself.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

The problem is the longer you let it go the more expensive it is to extricate yourself and the less time you have to recover what you lost.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> The problem is the longer you let it go the more expensive it is to extricate yourself and the less time you have to recover what you lost.


Problem is I didn't start realizing this until the kids came along, which was a few years ago, and when we were already about 10 years in. We didn't have a crazy sex life, but once the kids arrived, it's been shut down, and all of her other issues (insecurity, immaturity) have come to the fore as well (or maybe having kids has made me more aware of what's going on). 

If she was this way when we were dating (or, more precisely, if I would have been more aware during that period) I wouldn't have married her (i.e., if I knew then what I know now.....)


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

In any case use the remaining of your time wisely to extract the most possible benefit from the marriage with the least amount of inconvenience for you and the maximum surprise and inconvenience possible to your soon to be ex.

Some people understand no other way.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I like this john


For a couple of years I read so many books to improve my marriage. I thought if I could fix my part, my wife would do the sane....she did nothing....

Now I no longer try. No more effort. I do all I can to be a dad. I no longer care if we have sex or not. It's not worth the effort. The sex I get from her isn't worth it anymore. It not all that good anyway. 

Why is it that the husband has to be the one to make all the changes?


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Because we're MEN and we get things done, dammit!!!

Ok. Just kidding. I think in general the person who has the problem is the person who will try to fix it. The other just goes along without a care in the world and wonders why you think it's such a big deal. 

I say change as much or as little as you want. Most of the time it won't make a damn bit of difference. Unless your spouce has a come to Jesus moment, they will just keep on doing what they do.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Even if the come to Jesus moment has been encountered that often reinforces the self perceived martyrdom aspect of the withholding spouse. 

Such come to Jesus moments are akin to ejection seats in military aircraft, by the time you need to use them you've lost the aircraft. If it takes a come to Jesus moment to convince your spouse to see things in a more objective way you have more troubles head of you...


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> Most of the time it won't make a damn bit of difference. Unless your spouce has a come to Jesus moment, they will just keep on doing what they do.


I think that's an important point. Simply talking about it is often not enough. They have to know it's a deal breaker...or simply...from their point of view it's not. 

Best case scenario if you begin divorce proceedings is that your spouse finally clues in and makes the changes necessary to keep you engaged and it gets called off. Second best is you find a way to successfully co-parent and each find partners you are compatible with.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

john117 said:


> Even if the come to Jesus moment has been encountered that often reinforces the self perceived martyrdom aspect of the withholding spouse.
> 
> Such come to Jesus moments are akin to ejection seats in military aircraft, by the time you need to use them you've lost the aircraft. If it takes a come to Jesus moment to convince your spouse to see things in a more objective way you have more troubles head of you...


I agree, if it happens as a result of threat of divorce, it's forced and is just going to cause more problems. There are a few LD spouces who got it on their own. Not many and I wouldn't count on it happening, but it has happened. IF (big word ) that's the case, it could work out.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Correct - the path used to arrive at the decision is as important as the decision itself. If the path is repeatable without stress you're ok. But if you have to threaten doomsday every week to get lucky, then eventually you run out of doomsday weapons...


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

JustARandomGal said:


> Yes because we're all materialistic b*tches who bail at the slightest issue in a relationship.
> 
> 10 years of marriage, 5 years of which I've been turned down more times than I can count and we've had sex a whopping three times.
> 
> ...


*applause applause*


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

JustARandomGal said:


> Yes because we're all materialistic b*tches who bail at the slightest issue in a relationship.
> 
> 10 years of marriage, 5 years of which I've been turned down more times than I can count and we've had sex a whopping three times.
> 
> ...


I was merely trying to point out the difference that men face in a divorce that doesn't seem to be brought up in here. I never said that all women bail at the slightest sign of trouble. I'm just trying to point out the financial considerations that men face and do have a huge impact on what they will decide to do. A lot of times their hands are tied and they are forced to continue in the marriage even though they may not want to.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> I was merely trying to point out the difference that men face in a divorce that doesn't seem to be brought up in here. I never said that all women bail at the slightest sign of trouble. I'm just trying to point out the financial considerations that men face and do have a huge impact on what they will decide to do. *A lot of times their hands are tied and they are forced to continue in the marriage even though they may not want to.*


When I graduated from college I was in a state of limbo that summer as I was trying to get accepted into the Navy's nuke officer program. I had to figure out how to get by while I was waiting for that to get worked out. Ended up staying at a friend's apartment in one of the worst neighborhoods in town, sleeping on the couch, chipping in for rent. We worked part-time jobs for awhile but there wasn't enough consistent work. I got a minimum wage job as the night cashier at a gas station within walking distance of the place I was staying. I lived off of bread and ramen noodles. In early fall a hurricane came through and my apartment was without power for a month. Twice I had to beg to keep my job because my register kept falling short ... turns out that manager was later arrested because she was the one with her hand in the register. Neighborhood was so bad, I got robbed at gunpoint ... twice. Nearly 25 years later, I can still feel the gun pressed against my rib cage.

BEST TIME OF MY LIFE

Obviously I've had this argument with myself before about the financials. I don't need much but children do make it difficult. I won't argue that there is a lot to consider BUT I will argue with your assertion that a man's hands are tied and they are forced to continue marriage. That simply isn't true.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Well, so far I haven't seen anyone who's worst fears were realized when they ended their marriage. Everyone is different and if you need to stay then stay. But I think most people immagine it to be worse than it is.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> Well, so far I haven't seen anyone who's worst fears were realized when they ended their marriage. Everyone is different and if you need to stay then stay. But I think most people immagine it to be worse than it is.


I think that's very often true. It appears many people would rather stay in a situation they know then take a chance on something new that could potentially be even worse. Fear is a great inhibitor. 

Then of course there are those who hedge their bets by 'sampling' something new while holding on to what they know at the same time...in case it doesn't work out.


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## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

askari said:


> Separating would be so much easier if both parties accepted, gracefully, that they are, afterall, simply not compatible.
> 
> Due to children etc my exit plans come into effect in about four years time.
> I would feel so much better if my wife just said 'I think we have grown apart over the years...why not live our separate lives but come together as a family for the children as and when?'...
> ...




Post of the year:iagree:


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Trickster said:


> I like this john
> 
> 
> For a couple of years I read so many books to improve my marriage. I thought if I could fix my part, my wife would do the sane....she did nothing....
> ...


Were do you get your sex from if it's not from the wife? I know what you mean that it can literally not be worth the effort.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

jb02157 said:


> It would seem to me that this would be very different for men and it would be for women. Men can't leave due to financial reasons and will also forgo any other relationship because what woman would want to date a guy who owes more than half of his money to someone else and who cannot spend money on her. Men have to make the decision if they want no sex and their current situation or no sex and no money.
> 
> Women can leave because they get paid in a divorce and are free to start another relationship without money being an issue. Go ahead and flame away, but this is true and it's also the reason I'm not divorced...yet.


Not if she makes more than he does.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

OMFG I can't wait to be divorced...happy or unhappy, I just want to be divorced. I know I will be ecstatic the day it is complete.

I've stayed in a sexless / loveless marriage for 10+ years... I'm not wasting another day doing this, no way.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

srthsrtj said:


> But its all going to be my fault...I will be the ogre.


You don't choose divorce to win a popularity contest. If you're worried about what everyone around you is going to think you're better off staying silent in a miserable marriage.

Sometimes you have to take chances and rock the boat to be happy. As they say...we more often regret the things we don't do than the things we do.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

long_done said:


> OMFG I can't wait to be divorced...happy or unhappy, I just want to be divorced. I know I will be ecstatic the day it is complete.
> 
> I've stayed in a sexless / loveless marriage for 10+ years... I'm not wasting another day doing this, no way.


You WILL be happier. Looking into the sexless troll of a wife you had saps your motivation. At least being single if you are sexless it is because you choose to be. You choose to be because you haven't found a sex partner.

Congrats.


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