# Should I?



## salina (Nov 23, 2013)

For anyone doesn't know my story, we are in the sixties, married for 20+ years. No children together but we have adult children from previous marriage.
A year ago, after a serious operation for colon cancer, my ex-to-be started correspond with a former mistress whom he had a ten year affair with during his first marriage. I did not know their affair was that long when I married him. Anyway, they carried on by email, and Skype.
I knew about the emotional affair in April, asking him to stop it. He kept on so I filed for divorce. He lied to me and said they were just friends. Last month he went behind my back, flew to her town and saw her. When he was back home, after I found receipts, he confessed they met in his hotel for 3 days but no sex involved. He said they were both old and he could not get it up. I went ahead with the divorce and it be final next week.
I still live in the same house with him until I find a place. I still own half of the house.
Here are my questions
1) should I believe his claim of no sex involved, just talking to catch up for 30 years not seeing each other?
2) should I text the OW and curse her out?
3) should I email her husband to tell him about their hotel meeting? My ex-to-be said OW could sue me for harassing.
4) my ex-to-be fell off a scooter two days ago and jammed his hip very bad. He's ok but cannot walk on left leg. He uses a rolling dining chair as wheelchair to move around inside our house. I already bought ticket to spend Holidays with my sister after next week final at court. Should I cancel the trip to stay home because he's injured?
I guess I still care about him but he hurt me so much. What should I do? Thank you ahead for your advice.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

1) should I believe his claim of no sex involved, just talking to catch up for 30 years not seeing each other? *Hell no!!! even if he IS telling the truth, which is about one chance in a trillion, he obviously wanted to, or he wouldn't have known that he couldn't get it up. The only way to KNOW he couldn't get it up was to attempt it, which is just as bad as going through with it.*
2) should I text the OW and curse her out? *NO*
3) should I email her husband to tell him about their hotel meeting? *YES* My ex-to-be said OW could sue me for harassing. *Bull. You're telling someone the truth.*
4) my ex-to-be fell off a scooter two days ago and jammed his hip very bad. He's ok but cannot walk on left leg. He uses a rolling dining chair as wheelchair to move around inside our house. I already bought ticket to spend Holidays with my sister after next week final at court. Should I cancel the trip to stay home because he's injured? *Good god, NO!!!*


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

salina said:


> Here are my questions
> 1) should I believe his claim of no sex involved, just talking to catch up for 30 years not seeing each other? *NO, he lies*.
> 2) should I text the OW and curse her out? *NO, you will get nothing from here but very short lived relief and you will warn them so she can proactively gaslight her BH (you are a crazy woman), conoct stories in case BH tries to reach you before you do... he deserves better and the chance to make choices as you did.*
> 3) should I email her husband to tell him about their hotel meeting? *Yeah, do it ASAP and without warning anyone.*
> ...


ETA
Just saw Hope1964 toke the lead!


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## brokenhearted2 (Aug 23, 2012)

Tell him to call his mistress and have her come over and take care of him. 

And just because he "couldn't", doesn't mean he wouldn't have... 
If he could have! Was that supposed to make you feel better?!

Go, and enjoy your holiday. And definitely tell OWH. 
Sue you for harassment - really. What a #%^!!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> 1) should I believe his claim of no sex involved, just talking to catch up for 30 years not seeing each other? *Hell no!!! even if he IS telling the truth, which is about one chance in a trillion, he obviously wanted to, or he wouldn't have known that he couldn't get it up. The only way to KNOW he couldn't get it up was to attempt it, which is just as bad as going through with it.*
> 2) should I text the OW and curse her out? *NO*
> 3) should I email her husband to tell him about their hotel meeting? *YES* My ex-to-be said OW could sue me for harassing. *Bull. You're telling someone the truth.*
> 4) my ex-to-be fell off a scooter two days ago and jammed his hip very bad. He's ok but cannot walk on left leg. He uses a rolling dining chair as wheelchair to move around inside our house. I already bought ticket to spend Holidays with my sister after next week final at court. Should I cancel the trip to stay home because he's injured? *Good god, NO!!!*


:iagree:

I would also add that you could tell you STBX that he should consider a nursing home while you are away.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Here are my questions
1) should I believe his claim of no sex involved, just talking to catch up for 30 years not seeing each other?

*Cheaters minimize. He obviously had at least 10 years of practice of deceit during his affair in his first marriage. In the end, it really didnt matter. He should not had gone in any case. Goes to show that even after 30 years, he still looks back on his affair with fondness.
*


2) should I text the OW and curse her out?

*You could, but I dont think she really cares.*


3) should I email her husband to tell him about their hotel meeting? My ex-to-be said OW could sue me for harassing.

*Yes, yes you should. Her husband probably already knows the type of wife he has. It's up to him what he wants done with this additional knowledge.
*


4) my ex-to-be fell off a scooter two days ago and jammed his hip very bad. He's ok but cannot walk on left leg. He uses a rolling dining chair as wheelchair to move around inside our house. I already bought ticket to spend Holidays with my sister after next week final at court. Should I cancel the trip to stay home because he's injured?

*No, dont cancel. Go take your vacation. Your divorce is final next week. Let his OW know she can come and get him, cc her husband.*


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Oh, dear. He had an accident. Be kind to him. Google some local nursing services that will send nurses out to his home to tend to his needs. 

Or why not send a message to his AP via her husband, asking her to come and stay with him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

People in their 60's are capable of having sex. Lots of it.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Oh, dear. He had an accident. Be kind to him. Google some local nursing services that will send nurses out to his home to tend to his needs.
> 
> Or why not send a message to his AP via her husband, asking her to come and stay with him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Seriously, this just adds insult to injury. I agree with Matt. There are agencies like visiting angels that will attend to some of his basic needs. But i would continue with your plans.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

salina said:


> 1) should I believe his claim of no sex involved, just talking to catch up for 30 years not seeing each other? *No*
> 2) should I text the OW and curse her out? *No*
> 3) should I email her husband to tell him about their hotel meeting? *Yes*
> 4) Should I cancel the trip to stay home because he's injured? *No*


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> Seriously, this just adds insult to injury. I agree with Matt. There are agencies like visiting angels that will attend to some of his basic needs. But i would continue with your plans.


It would also be the perfect time to tell him that as a newly single man he should figure something out. These kinds of things are going to happen and he doesn't have the rights that he once did .

Don't try to eat cake while operating a scooter!


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

What's the difference if he couldn't get it up, that's just as bad as having a full out PA.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

someone90 said:


> What's the difference if he couldn't get it up, that's just as bad as having a full out PA.


Yeah. *I* should have thought of that! :slap:

After all, what were they doing to find that he couldn't get it up?

Good spot, Someone90!:smthumbup:


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## salina (Nov 23, 2013)

Thank you all for the advices and comments. Helps to clear my mind. Further details and questions
1) ex-to-be confessed that sex was in the back of his mind but main thing was he wanted to see former mistress one more time before he dies. Then when he saw her but no sex because
A. She's old looking, and she did not like his looks either
B. They just old friends, hug and talk, no body fluid exchanged.
C. He felt no stirring even when they are hugging because she's old and smell bad. That's why he knew he would be able to get it up. 
D. He does not want to mess up her life as she wanted commitment before she leaves husband but he just want affair.

I asked him if that's the case why he stayed in hotel to see her for 3 days. He could say bye after one meeting and go visit his sister and family living 20 miles away. No answer to that.

2) Any legal problem for me if I put her name in cheatersville?

3) if I tell OWH, he may kick her out, my ex may feel obligated to take her in. She would spend all his money and I would ruin inheritance for my stepchildren.

4) we live on an island with limited household help. Our houses has too many stair steps. It looks like he won't be able to walk or climb stairs when I leave. I am worried that he would starve or have another accident when I am away. 

I told him I would take care of him if he cut all contacts OW. He said the relation goes nowhere so it will die soon but refused to send her an email with cc to me, plus let me have access to all his emails. So I told him I won't do any fetching and caring except those tasks normally do by a roommate.

It broke my heart though to see him fumbling to make a sandwich when sitting in a chair!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Thank you all for the advices and comments. Helps to clear my mind. Further details and questions
1) ex-to-be confessed that sex was in the back of his mind but main thing was he wanted to see former mistress one more time before he dies. Then when he saw her but no sex because
A. She's old looking, and she did not like his looks either
*So he stayed three days with an old hag. Lie, lie, lie*
B. They just old friends, hug and talk, no body fluid exchanged.
*So he stayed three days with an old hag. Lie, lie, lie.*
C. He felt no stirring even when they are hugging because she's old and smell bad. That's why he knew he would be able to get it up. 
*So he stayed three days with a smelly old hag. And doesn't his response just make you swoon!!!! What an admirable man. Can't get his Johnson up because his old haggy lover smells, but oh by the way honey she really reeked but I stayed three days.*D. He does not want to mess up her life as she wanted commitment before she leaves husband but he just want affair.
*But he is headed for D over this and he did not want to mess up her life. Man is he the most admirable man on the planet. TIme should make him "Man of the year". Hey honey, let me tell you what happened, I stayed three days with a smelly old hag, did not get my Johnson excited, but I don't want to mess up her life, aren't I a saint and man I should be Time's "Man of the year". *
I asked him if that's the case why he stayed in hotel to see her for 3 days. He could say bye after one meeting and go visit his sister and family living 20 miles away. No answer to that.
*I think he was buying French perfumed smelling prostitutes, drinking Dom Perignon Champagne at $1,950.00 a bottle, and taking walks in the park. If this was the sarcastic me, I would lie and say you know what? Since you have no answer, I will tell you this. I hired a P.I who trailed you. I have pictures of you with a group of transvestites making porn movies*

2) Any legal problem for me if I put her name in cheatersville?

*None, if you tell the truth. Also if you post her picture and if the picture is from her FB or belongs to her, the worse they can do is remove it. I have the XOM on cheaterville and used his picture from his FB. I have no legal right to it, but no one has complained and it still remains up.*

3) if I tell OWH, he may kick her out, my ex may feel obligated to take her in. She would spend all his money and I would ruin inheritance for my stepchildren.

*Then proceed with caution. Seek legal advice. It would be one thing for me to say, to hel* with him, her etc, but, you do need to look at the big picture. Keep in mind that she could move in with him after the D or at any time, so that would not change the outcome if she moved in with him. This is my approach to life, so take it for what it is worth. I would never pay for my kid’s college or grad school. I did pay for tech school and my youngest son has a great job. I always told my wife that I would pay for a tech school but not college. I paid for my own college and grad school education, even though my parents wanted to pay for it. I love my kids, but other than having my oldest son's needs taken care of (he is special needs), I think inheritances are way over rated. I will get one when my mother passes, but frankly I don't care. But my views are mine and I tend to think kids need to do as much on their own as possible. When my youngest moved back home after living away for 5 years, I had no problem with it. He is now on his own again. But there are certain things in life more important than inheritances*4) we live on an island with limited household help. Our houses has too many stair steps. It looks like he won't be able to walk or climb stairs when I leave. I am worried that he would starve or have another accident when I am away. 

If he is a grown man, talk to him about his options. Nursing home, a home aide, or have him stay with a family member. Don't allow this situation to manipulate you or guilt you out of going. The two of you can figure out an option where he is taken care of. Heck, let him stay in a hotel with a nurse.
I told him I would take care of him if he cut all contacts OW. He said the relation goes nowhere so it will die soon but refused to send her an email with cc to me, plus let me have access to all his emails. So I told him I won't do any fetching and caring except those tasks normally do by a roommate.
He is playing you. By his actions you mean nothing to him.

It broke my heart though to see him fumbling to make a sandwich when sitting in a chair! 




Of course it does, you are a compassionate person. 

My wife cheated on me for years. This past April she came clean and repented. Then on July 6th she got sick. It has gotten worse. The past two days she is either in bed or on the couch rolled up in a ball in pain, vertigo, nausea, etc. She is pitiful. She says I am the only person showing her compassion. She had recent visits with two idiot doctors one and ENT and the other a neurologist. I won't go into the long details of those visits. We are in the process of setting up appointments with a group of other doctors. I should be home with her, but I just can't bear being around her all the time. No sex, very little conversation as she is very ill. I made dinner last night and will more then likely be doing more and more. I wanted to go to Scotland and take a few other trips, but can't, as she can't travel and I don't want to go by myself. I thought things would become better down the road for us, but this turn of events in her health has put everything on hold. If she has what I think she has, there is no cure and it will be a life of chronic illness and it will only progress in a negative way.

Life is not fair. I know what I wrote above had quite a bit of bitterness in it, as I responded to your questions. If the option is not to get him in a nursing home or get a care giver to come to the house, then your only option is to stay. It is a miserable situation. If you are dead serious on D, then proceed with it and once it is final, move on and don't look back. 
__________________
This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

He is your husband
He claims he is old and cant get it up, so there was no sex

you know if this is true or not...does he have ED problems with you?? You dont have to answer that, but I think you get my point...

AND...even if it is true, would he have banged her if he could have??

His first response wasnt "i wouldnt do that, I am married" ...his first response was "I COULDNT do that, I cant get it up"...huge difference and it shows you where his prioroties are imo


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Please tell the OWH. 

He deserves to know. When it happened to me, everybody else knew, but me.

Tell him today.

And he needs to make his own sandwich. He made this mess. Find someone that will be true to you.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

salina said:


> after I found receipts, he confessed they met in his hotel for 3 days but no sex involved.


 Sex or no sex, he slept with another women in a hotel room for 3 days. 



salina said:


> He said they were both old and he could not get it up.


 He just told you that they were naked in bed in a hotel room, and that no matter how much she stroked and sucked on it, he could not get it up. Even if you believed him, he can hardly claim that their relationship was platonic and that they were "just friends" catching up. What he admits to is cheating behind your back, with the lies and deception associated with most affairs.


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## salina (Nov 23, 2013)

Thank you all again for the comments especially Thorburn who is so sarcastic!
My exTB finally had X-ray in ER. No broken bones just bad sprain on his leg at the groin area. He moves around better but acting mean as a rattlesnake as I offered no help, no catering to his infirm state other than small chores as a decent roommate would.
I keep my schedule and will have a trip soon after the court date. If needed, he knew now how to call ambulance on his own!

I determine to have nice holidays!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all!


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