# Should I stay married?



## Mr-Garibaldi

Hello,

I have been a lurker for a few days, and I need some help and advice. Don't pull punches 
!
3 years ago I found out that my wife of 3 years was having an affair. I found out after a friend of mine seen my wife and her lover together at a street dance, just slobbering all over each other. With that information, I confronted her with it. It did not take long for her to admit to it. After that, life was tough. We went to therapy, did a lot of at home exercises, and worked though it. I thought all was ok. We became best friends again, sex was great, life seemed ok.

Until the 4th of July. We were to be at the lake all that week. My wife got a call from "work" and needed to run back into town for an hour, but would be right back. It was early, about 11am, and she is the manager, so I didn't have much of an issue with it. Family would not be arriving until later anyways, so I said go and take care of what you need to take care of.

2 hours had past and I didn't hear from her. by 3 she was still not answering her phone. I was becoming worried. I called the store she manages, and they said she left at 1230. By this time I was very concerned, very worried. At 5 I left for town, not hoping to find an accident along the 25 mile trip. I drove by home, she was not there. I drove by the store, also not there. I drove by our usual hang outs, nothing. On a whim, I went to a bar she likes to stop at with her work buddies sometimes, and found her car there. She was not in the bar. Worry turned to shear terror at that point. I asked the bar tender if she had been there, and she said yes, she was there about 1:00, but left after half a beer. 

By this point I was sick to my stomach, and I don't know if it was more anger then worry by that point. I phoned the lake house and told the oldest child, 21, I would be back soon. I waited in the parking lot, in my truck for about an hour, and she arrived back there, on the back of a motorcycle with some biker ****. They parked, I got out of the truck, and as soon as he saw me he took off quickly. She stood there in utter shock and could only cry. I left her there and went back out to the lake. She didnt come back out, but went home packed some things and went to her sisters house about 3 hours away. 

She hasnt come back yet. She really hasn't talked to me other then to scream at me for spying on her, and how unhappy she was. 

At this point, I am torn to shreds. We have two kids, one hers at 21 and one mine 20. both girls. Mine from a previous marriage, that my wife then passed away. 

I thought all was good. I didn't see any signs. Now what? I cant believe she did this again. Just one day, done. I have asked her why, with no answer. I have told her that I cannot live like this, and divorce would be the only answer. Should I demand counseling, Should I even think it would work? 

The woman is my friend, lover, wife and a mother. I am totally shocked beyond words, and have no idea what to do next. The girls are so upset and angry, they are having a hard time coping with all this, and I cannot give them any answers, only a blank face and a shoulder.

Thank you for listening.


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## *LittleDeer*

I'm sorry you are going through this. Your wife has now shown you that she isn't sorry and will continue to break boundaries and cheat. I think you need individual counseling to help you figure out what you really want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TrueNorth

I am so terribly sorry for your pain and for your children's pain. I can tell you that as a child I saw what affairs do to people and families and I would not wish that on my enemy. It is some of my saddest memories (i was about 5 or 6 when i became aware of it) Please do not take it personally as it has nothing to do with you but with something in your wife. I know that sounds dumb but it truly isn't about you. The fact that you were totally shocked and blindsided and that you said you were best friends and had a good sex life really demonstrates that. And that she has done it before and knew what she was risking this second time. I can tell you with a lot of certainty that it is her. You see, im ashamed to say this but about 11 years ago, I had an affair. We did not have children at that time and had been married about 5 years but living together an additional 4 years (faithful on my part until then but not so for him). I can tell you that I had that affair because I was lonely and needed to prove that i was worthy and attractive. It was inherently a self-esteem thing. We separated for 6 months and went to counseling and "worked it out". And here we are married for 17 years (note I did not say happily). I have been completely faithful, despite being (somewhat) violently accused of having an affair a couple of times. There was absolutely zero basis for this but it came from the fact that we were disconnected i would never ever do that to my family because i know the pain. The fact is, once there are children, an affair is cheating on the whole family. Also, looking at my parents, my father is the guilty one there and it is something in him too. He hasnt changed (he's in his 70's) and he's unhappy (theyre still married 46 years). Anyway, my point is that the damage has been done to not just yourself but also to your children, no matter what age they are. Please just think about what is good for yourself and what message you are sending to your girls. It is not ok and you deserve better. You wouldn't want your girls to experience this but if they did, you would want them to be strong and do what they had to do. I don't usually believe in divorce but am questioning when it is right. Be strong. You deserve to be treated well and respected because ou are worth it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr-Garibaldi

Thank you for your kind comments. I know what my hearts says, stay, work on her and get her back into counseling. When she is good, she is very good. Great mother, wife and friend. But something in her snaps, and she spirals out of control. My logical mind say to go, let it all go. Life is to short for this, I think I deserve more respect then this. If shes unhappy, say so.

Our is not a perfect marriage. We have our moments, our spats and disagreements, but it never lasts longer then a couple of hours, and we make up, say we are sorry and work it out. 

I concider myself a well centered man, I have my issues, but dont we all. It's my job to have answers to impossible problems. I have none for this. I've looked back at our wedding album, and it all seems to perfect then. It's so surreal now. My girls are really having a hard time with this. The first time she did this, they where in school, and it really had an impact on their performance in school. Now, the 21 year old is in college, and the 20 year old will be starting. This is going to affect their scholastic endeavors.

I have tried to explain to them all of what happened this first time as they didn't know all the details. They are so angry, and I can see it's killing them. My daughter took to my wife very quickly and deeply. She calls her mom, and for all purposes, she is. She right now feels like another mother has left her for no good reason. 

The 21 year old, my wifes daughter wants nothing to do with her. Could care less if shes lives or not. Will not take her calls, respond to her in any way. 

I feel like my wife has abandoned all of us, and I cannot find a good reason. I know I'm not perfect, but we have a decent life, money is always short, but we get by. We dont always get to do what we would like, but that's why we purchased the lake cabin. So we could escape reality once in a while without flying around the country, or expensive vacations. A big lake, a small boat and fishing poles. I though she was happy with it all. And if I ever see this biker SOB I dont know if I can contain the rage and not run the ahole down.

Living small today...


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## BeachGuy

Wow...she really got mad at you for "spying on her"??? Sounds pretty selfish. I agree with *LittleDeer*. You both should get individual counseling to figure all of this out. I'm guessing she wants her cake and eat it too....stay married to you but have flings on the side.


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## survivorwife

Mr-Garibaldi said:


> Thank you for your kind comments. I know what my hearts says, stay, work on her and get her back into counseling. When she is good, she is very good. Great mother, wife and friend. But something in her snaps, and she spirals out of control. My logical mind say to go, let it all go. Life is to short for this, I think I deserve more respect then this. If shes unhappy, say so.
> 
> Our is not a perfect marriage. We have our moments, our spats and disagreements, but it never lasts longer then a couple of hours, and we make up, say we are sorry and work it out.
> 
> I concider myself a well centered man, I have my issues, but dont we all. It's my job to have answers to impossible problems. I have none for this. I've looked back at our wedding album, and it all seems to perfect then. It's so surreal now. My girls are really having a hard time with this. The first time she did this, they where in school, and it really had an impact on their performance in school. Now, the 21 year old is in college, and the 20 year old will be starting. This is going to affect their scholastic endeavors.
> 
> I have tried to explain to them all of what happened this first time as they didn't know all the details. They are so angry, and I can see it's killing them. My daughter took to my wife very quickly and deeply. She calls her mom, and for all purposes, she is. She right now feels like another mother has left her for no good reason.
> 
> The 21 year old, my wifes daughter wants nothing to do with her. Could care less if shes lives or not. Will not take her calls, respond to her in any way.
> 
> I feel like my wife has abandoned all of us, and I cannot find a good reason. I know I'm not perfect, but we have a decent life, money is always short, but we get by. We dont always get to do what we would like, but that's why we purchased the lake cabin. So we could escape reality once in a while without flying around the country, or expensive vacations. A big lake, a small boat and fishing poles. I though she was happy with it all. And if I ever see this biker SOB I dont know if I can contain the rage and not run the ahole down.
> 
> Living small today...


I am so sorry to read your story. You might want to have the moderators move this thread to the "Coping with Infidelity" forum where you will get more answers from people who have "been there".

That being said, it takes two to make a marriage and sadly your wife appears to have checked out. Just keep in mind one thing. The Biker didn't betray your marriage vows - your wife did. For a second time. Then yelled at you for "spying on her" aka "no remorse". It should be HER that you focus your consequences on and not him.


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## thunderstruck

I would start the divorce process today. She has cheated on you twice, and you can't possibly believe a word coming out of her mouth at this point. This latest thing with the biker...she had to know this was going to blow up. "I'll be right back." and then she's gone for 5+ hours? She's either incredibly stupid, or maybe she wanted to get caught. Sorry you're going through this.


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## Shaggy

I would suggest Divorce - she didn't just meet the biker guy that day, she's been having an affair with him for quite a long while obviously. He recognized you even, so he knows she married and he knows what you look like!

There is also the fact that on the 4th she needed to go see him. She left vacation to go be with him and share the 4th with him. 

Have you hired someone to follow her and find out who the OM is? I wonder if he's married and is cheating too? If so you should inform his wife. 

You wife is a serial cheater. In the time between the first incident and this recent one, she's likely had other boy friends - she's got the cheating down to such an art form that she successfully hid it all this time. Likely meeting up while you are at work, and using her work as a cover for going on dates.

Does she work a lot of evening and weekend shifts at the store? Do she ever have to take business trips?

And there is the fact that she has ZERO remorse or guilt. Her only reaction is to blame you for spying. Does that seem like the reaction of someone who is sorry in any way ? Or the reaction of someone who's had a long term lifestyle of cheating secretly and she now realizes she is about to loose it.

Some will talk about a mistake and checking out. I think if you look at her pattern however, she was never in the marriage - she's just been lucky enough and devious enough to hide it from you for years.

---

Get her cell phone records of calls etc. and find the OM. Then expose both him and her.

I assume she hasn't told her family that she's staying with - if she in fact is actually staying with them and not really some guy? You should.


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## Toffer

Not only has she cheated twice on you, this last affair was conducted so well you had no idea and no suspicions. It's obvious she put a lot of work into keeping this underground.

A person who can be this devious does not deserve a second chance.

Get yourself tested for STDs right away and contact your lawyer


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## Shaggy

Get yourself down to the clinic and get tested for STDs today - cheaters do not use condoms, ever. So you are suddenly in a very risk catagory for STDs.

Move money out of joint accounts and stop your pay going into a joint account. I know she is a store manager with her own paycheck, but that doesn't mean she won't make a grab for the rest of the money in the marriage. 

You need to stop seeing her a someone who is just a little off at the moment and realize she is grown woman who has deliberately chosen to cheat on you. She didn't get tricked into.. She didn't do it by accident. She chose to cheat. She chose to lie. She chose to betray. And now she is choosing to continue to cheat and not even apologize for how the choice has hurt you.

So I don't think it's a matter of asking her to get IC and get fixed. She isn't ill, she just is choosing something selfish and nasty.


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## ing

Your kids are adults and this changes the game. She cheated early on, worked through therapy with you and you became best friends.
She knows how much this hurts you. She knows the effects and she knows what she is risking by cheating. Nothing.

I would guess that last time you took some of the blame and forgave her. I imagine that you did little in the way of making her own her own ****. If it hadn't been for TAM many of us would be in the same boat. 
THIS TIME.
Do not beg. Do not plead. Do not call her. Do not be in contact with her in any way. 
Split your finances. Do this now.
Do not agree to MC. 
Do not accept any form of blame.
Expose the affair to family and friends.
Find out who th ebiker dude is. Shaggy is probaly right, she could resist seeing him on a special day. There is an emotional attachment. Bad.
Tell the kids why the breakup is happening. This is not a marital problem. This is an affair which you discovered only because you were going out of your mind with worry.

Do no believe a word she is saying. 
Move to the CWI forum!


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## aug

Mr-Garibaldi said:


> *3 years ago I found out that my wife of 3 years was having an affair.* I found out after a friend of mine seen my wife and her lover together at a street dance, just slobbering all over each other. With that information, I confronted her with it. It did not take long for her to admit to it. After that, life was tough. We went to therapy, did a lot of at home exercises, and worked though it. I thought all was ok. We became best friends again, sex was great, life seemed ok.



My comment is not for OP essentially.

I point out that if one gets married and the spouse is unfaithful so soon, I feel the marriage is doomed.


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## Mr-Garibaldi

Hello my friends,

I've read all your replies, and I am more confused then ever. What is weighing most on my mind and heart is the fact we, ( wife and I ) have worked so very hard at building what we have. Home, vacation property, a small business we both work at part time, her moving up, me moving up, everything. 

We busted our hind ends to get here, and she tosses it into the chipper for what? The first affair was an eye opener to just how fragile life can be. But this time, I would almost like to burn it all to the ground and get me a cabin in the middle of the Montana mountains and never be heard from again.

Perhaps my brain cannot process this kind of thing logically. I could never do this, so I cannot see how some one else can.

A divorce is probably the only answer, or should I say response to this. And at that point I think I would probably just hand her the keys and title to everything and walk. I don't want to fight over stuff! It's just stuff ! I would give it all away to have the trust again.


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## Toffer

Sorry but after two affairs the trust is gone. She has proven herself to be a person who can't be trusted.

Walk away. File. Find a woman who will love you and only tou, not every dirtbag with a Harley


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## keko

Mr-Garibaldi said:


> And at that point I think I would probably just hand her the keys and title to everything and walk. I don't want to fight over stuff! It's just stuff ! I would give it all away to have the trust again.


Seriously? You're going to gift a cheater and a lier with assets? Read your state laws and maybe her affair will minimize what she can get at divorce.


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## This is me

I am pro marriage, but this would be too much breaking of trust for me.

I wonder how many times you did NOT catch her.


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## This is me

Do not give her anything! She cheated not you. Is that the advice you would give a good friend?


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## survivorwife

Mr-Garibaldi said:


> Hello my friends,
> 
> I've read all your replies, and I am more confused then ever. What is weighing most on my mind and heart is the fact we, ( wife and I ) have worked so very hard at building what we have. Home, vacation property, a small business we both work at part time, her moving up, me moving up, everything.
> 
> We busted our hind ends to get here, and she tosses it into the chipper for what? The first affair was an eye opener to just how fragile life can be. But this time, I would almost like to burn it all to the ground and get me a cabin in the middle of the Montana mountains and never be heard from again.
> 
> Perhaps my brain cannot process this kind of thing logically. I could never do this, so I cannot see how some one else can.
> 
> A divorce is probably the only answer, or should I say response to this. And at that point I think I would probably just hand her the keys and title to everything and walk. I don't want to fight over stuff! It's just stuff ! I would give it all away to have the trust again.


Please. Before you do anything, consult with an attorney. Know your rights. Make an educated decision. I realize that you don't "want" to fight, but sometimes you " have" to, if not for any other reason than to take a stand for what is right and fair.


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## Mr-Garibaldi

keko said:


> Seriously? You're going to gift a cheater and a lier with assets? Read your state laws and maybe her affair will minimize what she can get at divorce.


I just mean I don't want to fight about things, stuff, belongings and would rather just give it all away if it meant saving fighting about it.

In the big picture, none of it means anything. Life and Love are important, A jet ski isn't


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## aug

Mr-Garibaldi said:


> I just mean I don't want to fight about things, stuff, belongings and would rather just give it all away if it meant saving fighting about it.
> 
> In the big picture, none of it means anything. Life and Love are important, A jet ski isn't



Well then, give it to your lawyer who should at least make sure you dont get screwed legally in the future.

I know you're feeling down right now. But dont mess your future up because of her. The best thing you can do for yourself is to become indifferent and move on.


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## Mr-Garibaldi

I will be visiting with an attorney today to discuss this nightmare. I still cannot get through to her, via phone email etc. Her sister has told me that she has quit her job here, and has been looking for one where she is now. 

That just floors me and makes no sense. She worked very hard and long to get the position she has, and in today's economy, she just quits her job? What happened to her? she has some money in savings, enough for 3 months maybe. 

Our finances are all separate, savings, checking, investments etc.. so she cant do much with my resources. Still, I've emailed her and let her know what our options are at this point, therapy of some kind or divorce. She is giving me little choice in the matter other then to wait it out and see what happens, but I have a deep feeling nothing will improve.


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## keko

She already made her choice, twice so far, to seek other men. You need to get the divorce started before her $$ dries out and crocodile tears start to flow.

She's in a fantasy land, and take advantage of getting the divorce done quickly if I were you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TrueNorth

Mr-Garibaldi said:


> I will be visiting with an attorney today to discuss this nightmare. I still cannot get through to her, via phone email etc. Her sister has told me that she has quit her job here, and has been looking for one where she is now.
> 
> That just floors me and makes no sense. She worked very hard and long to get the position she has, and in today's economy, she just quits her job? What happened to her? she has some money in savings, enough for 3 months maybe.
> 
> Our finances are all separate, savings, checking, investments etc.. so she cant do much with my resources. Still, I've emailed her and let her know what our options are at this point, therapy of some kind or divorce. She is giving me little choice in the matter other then to wait it out and see what happens, but I have a deep feeling nothing will improve.


I am sorry for your anguish and pain. I read some posts and it must be confusing and overwhelming for you. People are right away jumping and telling you things you may not be ready to hear and there is bitterness and anger in some of the posts. I dont believe in sugar-coating reality but the truth is you may not be ready to hear it so a good dose of empathy and understanding will go a long way to give you strength and courage. I hope you can find that in people close to you. From the sounds of it, you know deep down inside where this is going (and maybe where it Should be going). It sounds like you would give everything to try to work it out but it truly doesn't look like she wants to even go there. Sadly, it seems she has thrown it all away so do what you can to protect yourself (financially, emotionally, spiritually). You deserve better. Though your finances may be separate accounts, depending on where you live, you may still be responsible for each others' debts while married (or until legally separated at least) So please take that painful but essential step to protect yourself that way. Take good care of yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr-Garibaldi

Thank you for all your kind comments again. I left her a message today on her cell phone voice mail as that is the only avenue there is at the moment. She's still not answering me. I told her that I was at an attorneys today, and have been given a specific direction to follow. 

Nothing, not a word. Does she think I am just telling her this to get a response? I would think that after hearing that from your husband, a phone call would be in order.

I have had a lot of time to think in this big empty house, and looking back, maybe there where signs something was going on, but I cannot pinpoint anything concrete. Perhaps just a feeling or a tickle in the back of my neck. This place has never been so quiet, and it's doesn't feel right.


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## Shaggy

Have you changed the locks?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TrueNorth

Mr-Garibaldi said:


> Thank you for all your kind comments again. I left her a message today on her cell phone voice mail as that is the only avenue there is at the moment. She's still not answering me. I told her that I was at an attorneys today, and have been given a specific direction to follow.
> 
> Nothing, not a word. Does she think I am just telling her this to get a response? I would think that after hearing that from your husband, a phone call would be in order.
> 
> I have had a lot of time to think in this big empty house, and looking back, maybe there where signs something was going on, but I cannot pinpoint anything concrete. Perhaps just a feeling or a tickle in the back of my neck. This place has never been so quiet, and it's doesn't feel right.


Yes your house will feel very empty and lonely for a little while but try to make it into your own haven. Make it YOURS right now. Move furniture around or take down some things or put up some new things. Even just changing bed sheets and pillows to new ones may help. It's those baby steps that make you stronger. And if you can, try not to have expectations from her. That is very important She won't call you because she's ashamed. She knows that what she has done is so wrong on so many levels. And don't beat yourself up on the signs. The life you thought you had wasn't real because she was living a lie (I'm sorry that is harsh) but you have done NOTHING wrong. Take those baby steps to let her go. And find solace when you need it but don't wallow. That just makes it worse. I've been reading on my front porch on my new chair that I put together myself. That was empowering in itself. And when I'm outside, I truly stop and breathe the fresh air and take in the sound of wind in the trees. Very cleansing for me. Find something like that for you and it will restore yourself, even if it's just a little while. But mostly know what you are doing is right, and trust you will be ok. Be well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr-Garibaldi

TrueNorth said:


> And don't beat yourself up on the signs. The life you thought you had wasn't real because she was living a lie (I'm sorry that is harsh) but you have done NOTHING wrong. _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then it was one of the best lies ever perpetrated by a woman. I can be obsessed sometimes with earning a living, and I know in the big picture, that was sometimes a sticky point in our relation ship, but if she has been doing this for God knows how long, How, Where, When ? Yes, sometimes she would have to run to the store for an alarm response, or stay an hour or two later because an shift employee didn't show, but I never think she was gone longer then normal ever, or some sudden change in plans seemed out of the ordinary. When was there time? Everything was normal as it has been. No weekend trips with friends, not nothing.


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## Shaggy

Then she's been using work and shopping trips to cover herself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Posse

Mr-Garibaldi said:


> Then it was one of the best lies ever perpetrated by a woman. I can be obsessed sometimes with earning a living, and I know in the big picture, that was sometimes a sticky point in our relation ship, but if she has been doing this for God knows how long, How, Where, When ? Yes, sometimes she would have to run to the store for an alarm response, or stay an hour or two later because an shift employee didn't show, but I never think she was gone longer then normal ever, or some sudden change in plans seemed out of the ordinary. When was there time? Everything was normal as it has been. No weekend trips with friends, not nothing.


Based on her behavior, I would bet that you are going to have to accept that you likely will never get the answers to those questions. 

Her behavior has shown you everything you need to know about what to do, however.


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## TrueNorth

Mr-Garibaldi said:


> Then it was one of the best lies ever perpetrated by a woman. I can be obsessed sometimes with earning a living, and I know in the big picture, that was sometimes a sticky point in our relation ship, but if she has been doing this for God knows how long, How, Where, When ? Yes, sometimes she would have to run to the store for an alarm response, or stay an hour or two later because an shift employee didn't show, but I never think she was gone longer then normal ever, or some sudden change in plans seemed out of the ordinary. When was there time? Everything was normal as it has been. No weekend trips with friends, not nothing.


I just wanted to say I am un-registering from this site and wanted to wish you peace and healing first. Some of the comments to my personal posts and other posts i have read have been insensitive and judgmental and just really negative and wo needs that? While most have been fine, there are a few, that if I was feeling shaky, would make me feel so horrible. I actually showed my counsellor the threads to my own posts and she was appalled at the judgemental mentality and insensitivity from responders. (she has Masters degree and she is very experienced). Her comment was that some people judge and comment by making assumptions when they do to know enough of the situation nor are they qualified to. So under her strong suggestion, I will un-register and rely on God, myself, my friends and family who love me and my counsellor to provide me with guidance, support , encouragement and even a kick in the butt when needed. May you have the same. Take good care of yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr-Garibaldi

Posse said:


> Based on her behavior, I would bet that you are going to have to accept that you likely will never get the answers to those questions.
> 
> Her behavior has shown you everything you need to know about what to do, however.


I fear that you are correct on both matters.


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## Mr-Garibaldi

Hello,

I got a message from her today on my voicemail. It was short, she said " I got your messages, I have read them, do what you feel you need to do and let me know."

Huh? That's all she can say? Is this some game to make me feel guilty about taking the path that must be? I have not called her back yet or anything because I don't know what to say to that! Her voice was very cold and unfeeling, like some teenager saying "yeah whatever".


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## Mr-Garibaldi

TrueNorth said:


> I am sorry for your anguish and pain. I read some posts and it must be confusing and overwhelming for you. People are right away jumping and telling you things you may not be ready to hear and there is bitterness and anger in some of the posts. I dont believe in sugar-coating reality but the truth is you may not be ready to hear it so a good dose of empathy and understanding will go a long way to give you strength and courage. I hope you can find that in people close to you. From the sounds of it, you know deep down inside where this is going (and maybe where it Should be going). It sounds like you would give everything to try to work it out but it truly doesn't look like she wants to even go there. Sadly, it seems she has thrown it all away so do what you can to protect yourself (financially, emotionally, spiritually). You deserve better. Though your finances may be separate accounts, depending on where you live, you may still be responsible for each others' debts while married (or until legally separated at least) So please take that painful but essential step to protect yourself that way. Take good care of yourself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you for your kind words. I would rather have people tell me in blunt hold no punches terms whats what. There is way to much touchy feely gooey garbage flowing in society as far as I'm concerned. No one seems to be able to just tell someone the way it is without having to beat around the bush for days before kind of getting to the sugar coated truth. You know? Hey, if I got bad breath, then just say, Hey, you got some bad breath there, need a tick tack? Harsh maybe but you know what the problem is.

And you are right, I suppose I would give everything up to go back to the beginning and start over, knowing what I know know.


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## Mr-Garibaldi

This is me said:


> Do not give her anything! She cheated not you. Is that the advice you would give a good friend?


No. I would probably tell a friend to let her run, and keep everything you worked hard for.


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## keko

Mr-Garibaldi said:


> Hello,
> 
> I got a message from her today on my voicemail. It was short, she said " I got your messages, I have read them, do what you feel you need to do and let me know."
> 
> Huh? That's all she can say? Is this some game to make me feel guilty about taking the path that must be? I have not called her back yet or anything because I don't know what to say to that! Her voice was very cold and unfeeling, like some teenager saying "yeah whatever".


Agreed, trying to put the blame on you.

If you don't feel comfortable talking to her, send text or emails.


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## sandc

The woman you married is no more. Mourn her and then move on. You found her, you can find someone better. Take some time, get yourself squared away, then move on. **** happened. It wasn't your fault.


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## Mr-Garibaldi

Hi Kind People,

I got a text message from my wife today. It says " _I'm sorry that I have not been talking to you. I need time to figure all this out for myself, and time to figure out what is wrong with me. I know you are hurt, and that I broke your trust. I don't know if you can ever forgive me or if I can forgive myself. I don't want a divorce, but if that is your only solution, then that's what I will have to live with._

Ok, I'm fairly intelligent, but what is this? MY only solution? The more time that passes, the angrier I am getting, and I hate to say it, but the more hatred that is building up for her.

Would the solution in the first place to have been *NOT* take off with some biker ahole ? To *NOT* been sleeping around for who knows how long?? So the other solution for me is to what? Just chalk it up to another of lifes "gotchas" and go bake a cake all happy and smiles? Is this what she is asking?


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## EleGirl

So after you discovered her latest affair she says that she has been unhappy for some time. Did you ask why she did not just tell you that instead of having an affair?

I'm sorry to say, but chances are that the two affairs you know of are not the only ones she has had. Rembember that the first was discovered by accident. This latest one because she apparently did not care enough hide what she was doing. Not showing up for a family vacation is pretty overt behavior.

In between the two discoveries she just hid her cheating well.

I would not trust her at all if I were you.


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## keko

Mr-Garibaldi said:


> Hi Kind People,
> 
> I got a text message from my wife today. It says " _I'm sorry that I have not been talking to you. I need time to figure all this out for myself, and time to figure out what is wrong with me. I know you are hurt, and that I broke your trust. I don't know if you can ever forgive me or if I can forgive myself. I don't want a divorce, but if that is your only solution, then that's what I will have to live with._
> 
> Ok, I'm fairly intelligent, but what is this? MY only solution? The more time that passes, the angrier I am getting, and I hate to say it, but the more hatred that is building up for her.
> 
> Would the solution in the first place to have been *NOT* take off with some biker ahole ? To *NOT* been sleeping around for who knows how long?? So the other solution for me is to what? Just chalk it up to another of lifes "gotchas" and go bake a cake all happy and smiles? Is this what she is asking?


Sounds like she got dumped. :rofl:

You're looking to deep into what she may be wanting. Its simple, she wants you to be her back up plan while she goes whoring around.


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## Mr-Garibaldi

Another text message last night at 3:30 am:

_"hi, i know its very late but i couldn't sleep. i hope you're getting a good nights rest. i really think we should set up a time to talk. i have been giving whats happening some good thought and i know our marriage has some real problems, but it think if we got some good help it can be saved. i know the pain your are going through and i am not trying to minimize that. i know you are contemplating divorce and i understand why. call me if you want to talk tomorrow, or at all. just know i do love you very much and i never intended any of this to happen. _

Yikes... The more time I spend here, and a couple other support groups, the more I can see whats happening here. And the more I want to put all this behind me and end it so I can move on with my life. This is all affecting my job performance, my home life with the kids and friends, and sleep. 3-4 hours a night is not cutting it.


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## Shaggy

She is going with the classic serial cheaters defense of "I'm a broken person and I never meant to hurt you. Please feel sorry for me, not angry at me. I need time to figure out why I'm like I am."

Basically this is an appeal for sympathy for her cheating. It's also an attempt at continuing to have her freedom to continue to date OM - that's what the time to figure things out means. Just like she didn't leave the marriage for the guys she was cheating with, she doesn't want you to kick her out of the marriage.

See, it was all working for her so well. She got to have nice home, family etc, and she got to have her affairs.

Now things are messed up for her and she's trying to figure out how to keep the train rolling along like it used to.

If you do talk to her, record it if you can. You'll likely be in such an emotional state that you'll miss things the first time and you'll want to play it back to hear just what she says.

When you do talk to her - expect her to lie and to down play everything. 

Do ask her - what specific things she is doing to deal with her problems.

Do tell her - that if there is any future you will require a polygraph from her and STD tests

Do tell her - she will have to come completely clean on the # of men and how long she's been cheating, including their names and contact information. - and you will make no promises on what you will do with that information.
---

I will warn you however that she's had a double life and she's liked it - so the likelyhood of this being a False R is high and that she will try to lay low but start back up is very high.


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## 67flh

mr,you guys talk,work it out==till she cheats AGAIN,she's shown her colors,how much more disrespect can u handle? i might be able to forgive a ons, but never cheating 2x's...lawyer up cowboy


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## Shaggy

Mr-Garibaldi said:


> I got a text message from my wife today. It says " _I'm sorry that I have not been talking to you. I need time to figure all this out for myself, and time to figure out what is wrong with me. I know you are hurt, and that I broke your trust. I don't know if you can ever forgive me or if I can forgive myself. I don't want a divorce, but if that is your only solution, then that's what I will have to live with._


My translation:

Since I've been gone I've been able to be with the OM all the time and I'm finding it not as much fun as would like. I've found that scumbags that would cheat with another man's wife are scumbags. Oh, and I've found that those guys don't actually want me around all the time, they just wanted dates with sex.

Oh, and she's finding it hard to pay all her bills and is running out money and people she can mooch from.


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## Mr-Garibaldi

Shaggy said:


> My translation:
> 
> Since I've been gone I've been able to be with the OM all the time and I'm finding it not as much fun as would like. I've found that scumbags that would cheat with another man's wife are scumbags. Oh, and I've found that those guys don't actually want me around all the time, they just wanted dates with sex.
> 
> Oh, and she's finding it hard to pay all her bills and is running out money and people she can mooch from.


This is what I am beginning to think. She quit her job here, and as far as I know with the tidbits of information I get from her sister, she only has a weekend job there, and I am sure it pays nothing. So money is probably tight. She had about 2k in checking when she left, and that don't last long.

I have also been looking at the cell phone records since she left, and have noticed, that the number to this biker ahole dirtbag, have been mostly outbound texts and calls. I looked this afternoon, and see that 4 calls where made TO the number for 1 minute, Voicemail, with no Incoming calls, And 18 sent text messages with 1 reply.

And it may look like the biker ahole dirtbag is either ignoring her, or could care less. But looks are deceiving.

I know I am only causing my own hurt by looking, but I need to know what she is doing or up to. In a way, I feel like I AM spying on her.


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## Wazza

Reconciliation is possible if both sides are sincerely committed to it. The risk you are taking is that if you put everything into it and she is not committed your heart gets broken all over again.

On the other hand, trust is always a risk.

Noone can tell you what to do, but my advice, as one who has been cheated on and successfully reconciled, is be up front about the need for truth and for her to be accountable. And being accountable means accepting that you are watching, or as you put it, spying. By definition you can't be up front about how you spy, because if she is lying to you, being up front tells her what to conceal.

The fact is that if you reconcile, there will always be a part of you waiting for the next "uh-oh" moment. It's been over 20 years since my D day and it's a lot better, but I still worry. But I theorise that if you don't reconcile, you will wonder the same in your next relationship anyway.

With your current wife, you now have a list of behaviours to watch for next time. 

The other thing if you decide to reconcile is, at some stage in your hurt you may meet someone else, be drawn to them, and risk an affair of your own. Be very aware of that.

My wife is a thoroughly decent person who, at one time, made some very bad choices and behaved out of character. As time passes I become more certain of that....at the beginning I had nothing except the belief that she hated me but I could make something work for the sake of the kids. And there will be people reading this who think "Once a cheater always a cheater...she's just gone underground and he hasn't caught her again yet." I think they are wrong, but I may be deluding myself. Still, right now things seem good. If she can fool me for 20 years all I need is another 20 to 30 to see me out


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## Shaggy

If you have the # for the biker POS then see if you can find his name and if he is married/girl friend and expose the affair to her.

that will certainly seal the break between them!


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## Mr-Garibaldi

Shaggy said:


> If you have the # for the biker POS then see if you can find his name and if he is married/girl friend and expose the affair to her.
> 
> that will certainly seal the break between them!


I have already done this. I know who he is, where he works, lives, bar hangouts etc. Not married, no kids. 

I have given much thought about exposing this dirthole for what he is to his employer, and spread the word around town and this isn't a big town. 

But, why. What will it prove? But I have thought about putting the information out there on a couple of websites that reports cheaters.


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## keko

If its a small town then most likely "everyone" but you knew your wife's been screwing around. There shouldnt be much need for exposure except for the people that directly ask you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

Mr-Garibaldi said:


> I have already done this. I know who he is, where he works, lives, bar hangouts etc. Not married, no kids.
> 
> I have given much thought about exposing this dirthole for what he is to his employer, and spread the word around town and this isn't a big town.
> 
> But, why. What will it prove? But I have thought about putting the information out there on a couple of websites that reports cheaters.


The purpose of exposing is to have people put preasure on him to end the affair.

It sounds like this will not work. There is no wife who are tell him to end the affair or move out.


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## Mr-Garibaldi

After some very hard thinking and talking with family and friends, I have decided that this garbage cannot go unanswered, and unpunished. I am filing for a divorce from her by the end of the week. 

It breaks my heart to have to do so, and I never thought that this would ever get to this point. My attorney has all the information needed and informs me that this should be fairly simple as there is no minor children.

I don't deserve to be lied to and taken advantage of as I have been. I have a big heart and a giving attitude that looks like got the best of me.


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## keko

You know soon she'll be coming to you begging to take her back. Will you be able to resist her?


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## Mr-Garibaldi

keko said:


> You know soon she'll be coming to you begging to take her back. Will you be able to resist her?


Yes. I have some good support here. It's not that I need it, but I have the habit of letting my wants over take my needs. 

I will not put the kids through it again or myself. And there will be an again, and again and again until someone pulls the stop cord. 

There is to much to overcome to go back. To many lies and to little trust that will never be able to be restored. And if there isn't 100% trust, then it will never work. This is what needs to be done.


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## This is me

MG. Sorry to hear you are going through this. I wish you the best and much better days are ahead.


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## Corum

I just found this thread, but I applaud your courage OP. 
It is so very hard to do the right thing sometimes - but it must be done.
Stay strong and true to yourself.


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## Mr-Garibaldi

Hello there,

I informed my wife that I would be filing for a divorce by friday. Since she will not answer the phone when I call, I had no other choice but to send an email and a text message. Thats not exactly how I think it should be done, but how else can I contact her. Seems like a cowards way out of facing her, but it is what it is I guess.

She texted me back about an hour later, with only three words,
"thanks for nothing"

It's like the person I knew died, and this one took her place.


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## Corum

Mr-Garibaldi said:


> Hello there,
> She texted me back about an hour later, with only three words,
> "thanks for nothing"
> 
> It's like the person I knew died, and this one took her place.


You should be glad you will be giving her nothing - no more of yourself. And yes - the person you loved is probably long gone. 

Everyone says this because it is true - you can find better.


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## Mr-Garibaldi

Thanks everybody for all the advice and kind thoughts. I will do what I have to do and divorce this woman and rebuild yet once again. Perhaps I will find someone better, perhaps I wont. And today, I just do not care at all. 

These past 2 days have been very draining, and I think the realization is sinking in past the rage and sorrow. I feel like the past few years have been so much of a waste. Wasted time, wasted energy, waster life.


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## Mr Blunt

> By *Mr. Giribaldi*Thanks everybody for all the advice and kind thoughts. I will do what I have to do and divorce this woman and rebuild yet once again. Perhaps I will find someone better, perhaps I wont. And today, I just do not care at all.
> 
> These past 2 days have been very draining, and I think the realization is sinking in past the rage and sorrow. I feel like the past few years have been so much of a waste. Wasted time, wasted energy, waster life.



*Now that you have made the decision stay firm*. She may make another emotional play to get back in with you if she finds out that her life would be better by using you. She may just not contact you much at all or she may contact you to try and blame you.

In any case your situation can be like a broken arm. You will be in pain for weeks and be out of commission for a while but in several months you will heal and wonder why you ever took so much crap off of her. *Millions of people have been through divorce and came out ok or better and so can you.*

*Remember, you have two daughters that respect you!!*

You will find out that this breakup of relationship is not the end of your life at all. If you handle this right you will come out a better man that is more self reliant in many ways including emotionally. *You will find out the in order to have a good life you do not have to depend on a woman or anyone else. That is extremely freeing and satisfying*


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