# Dealing with abuse



## sweetmama (Jan 20, 2013)

Without getting into too many details, I do believe I am in an abusive relationship where my concerns are belittling (him telling me I don't do enough around the house, him saying I'm a horrible mother, blaming me when things go wrong, etc.), name calling (particularly referring to me as fat when I was pregnant), and finally, there are some concerns over the intimidation that has happened a few times now. It involves squeezing my face at the temples or sides of my chin and preventing me from either calling police, leaving the house, and him saying, "don't use those scare tactics". Afterwards, he says it's not abuse as there are no marks and also says that "it's the only way I can get through to you" or "it's the only way you will listen."

He has chased me to the car before to try and take it so that "you will lose your job" if I don't make it in that day (thankfully, I was always able to wrestle the keys away).

When I say I want to go to counseling, he says he'll never change. When I say I want out, he says he'll just take the car and that I will have to pay him for the house (which I tell him the court figures out, and I don't have to give him the money upfront).

He says there's no way I'd ever get a restraining order, as they don't just "hand those things out" and that without marks on me, I won't be able to get one. Also, he says, "oh yeah, I just beat you and bruise you up" as if to imply that because he doesn't take it to that level, it's not abuse.

I had seen a counselor in the past who told me that when he put his hands on my chin that time and lifted me up, it was basically him putting his hands on my neck.

There are children we have together which makes it all more complicated.

I honestly think he would see what he stands to lose only if I were gone. But yet he loves his kids so much and I feel like a terrible person if his whole world gets turned upside down. I care about his well being.

He is in denial about himself being a manipulator and I wish he would read just ONE thing I give him on domestic abuse so he could see he has an issue or I wish he would agree to counseling.

He says I am crazy and that the kids are the reason for his stress.

What would you do if it were you? This sucks.


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

I personally don't know if this is considered abuse, but it does not sound like a loving, stable relationship. I would tell him that you will not remain in the marriage unless it is a loving, healthy one. Define for him what loving and unloving looks like to you. Example: loving is when you are kind, etc, and unloving is when you name call, belittle, threaten, intimidate, or put your hands on me in a forceful way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It does sounds like you are being both emotionally and physically abused. Further his trying to get you fired from your job is fiancial abuse. If you do not have a job, then it gives him more control over you.

How much can he really love his children if he mistreats you, their mother? Look at what your children are leaning. If you have any daughters they are learning that this is what marriage is. That they will only have abuse to look forward to. If you have sons... they are learning to abuse their future wife.

Please see counselors that deal with domestic violence and abuse. They can guide you in getting the help you need and to get your husband out of the house. One thing they can generally do is to give you a cell phone that you can hide and use to call 911 for help. That's all the cell phone is for, but it can be an important thing to have.

Or you can buy a pre-paid phone and have just enough prepaid minutes on it to call for emergency help.

You need an exit plan. It's a plan for how you and your children can get out of the house and to a safe place when he abuses you again.. he will abuse you again. And over time the abuse will escalate. That's how abuse works. 

You can search the internet for "domestic violence exit plan". look at some and get your act together.


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## d4life (Nov 28, 2012)

Honey, I don't think you needed to come here to be told that you are being abused. I think you KNOW it. You need to get out if there because that is not a safe environment for the children. 

He may say he loves his kids, but the best thing a dad can do for his kids is to love their mom and he is not doing a very good job of that at all. He is doing the opposite. 

By the way, you can put a restraining order on him. I had to do it years ago to keep an abusive boyfriend of my daughters away from me and my daughter so I know it can be done. (In Alabama anyway)

Just know that people don't change. You need to get away and stay away from this jerk.


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## sweetmama (Jan 20, 2013)

Thank you all for the responses. I had to be somewhat cryptic because in the past, he is the one who mentioned this forum. He said that 1) guys only care about sex and men who compliment their wives are either lying to get sex or they're gay, and 2) that I have no idea how guys think.

Well honestly, I know most women enjoy occasional nice words and I wouldn't want him to just make things up or sugarcoat, but I'm not a horrible looking girl and he said, "beautiful is a word to describe models; it's like, unattainable. I hate that word to describe women" and has basically told me I'm not beautiful, not that I exepct to be, but he has no problem pointing out attractive women to me when we're out at stores. He will be really sweet to me... when he wants sex. So as for now, I have decided that after our most recent fight where he put his hands on me, I am not attracted to him enough to allow him to let me "forgive him" through sex.

He doesn't ever give me an outright "I'm sorry" or admit that he's done anything wrong and it's frustrating because I am willing to say that yes, no relationship is perfect and of course I'm to blame for some of it, but I try as hard as I can. I am the one working outside of the home; he stays home with the kids. He could work, but then we'd have to deal with daycare costs for 3 kids and it would be unaffordable. But because my job is less stressful (office job) and his is with the kids, he is CONSTANTLY complaining and saying how much his life sucks and how the kids are doing this or that. I don't mind him venting to me, but he will call me at work, no "hello" -- and just start yelling at me, telling me what the latest things the kids have done to stress him out.

We get out to eat probably once a week just the two of us because I thought that would help. I encourage him to go in the evenings just by himself, so he does (just home improvement store, grocery shopping, whatever). He gets regular exercise by himself.

I am always scared of upsetting him because he has broken/smashed 2-3 computer screens/keyboards, broken personal items of mine, throws the kids' toys out the front door into the street, kicked holes in walls and doors ... and yet, he says there is nothing wrong with this because "they are just things" and "you must just be so materialistic". It always comes back to me.

He says I am selfish for wanting to workout and that I am just trying to get rid of the kids (I take them all with me both to give him a break and because the gym has a childcare center). Before, when I didn't workout, he told me how lazy I was. He even will get super mad if I happen to try and nap on the weekends or something because I am up with the kids at night, yet I let him sleep in every single day because it honestly doesn't bug me.

It's like there's this HUGE double standard in our marriage and he can do what he wants (spends hours on the computer every day and denies it yet tells me I shouldn't be on Facebook and FB is dumb, etc.).

I wish he would be open to counseling so SOMEONE could tell him that there are issues here and they're not all because of me.

To make matters worse, I grew up in an abusive home and while Dad is now out of the picture, he was present my entire life growing up in the house. This is why my counselor says my level of tolerance is WAY TOO high.

I just hate the little jabs. When he goes to do the dishes, he'll make sure to tell me and say, "we know you're not going to do them", yet I do other things when I am home: all diaper changes, keeping the kids dressed (they change their clothes all the time), all laundry, cleaning the bathroom; picking up little things. It's like I'm somehow supposed to help him with the dishes while I am at work and he is here! And then be ready for him all the time when he wants sex, yet he gives me NOTHING to feel that he actually desires me and not just some hole to plug into. Oh, and I have been doing more dishes in the evenings and on weekends to see if that will help and he seems just as quick to criticize me on anything he can. Also, I have found the house is less cluttered when I am home, as I am more likely to pick up things as I see them rather than let the house become a huge mess all day and put it off. I don't mind vacuuming or cleaning up after the kids.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

You know you are being abused and you know that it can also affect your kids or they too can become targets of his forms of abuse.

Staying there with him and cowing down to his brand of abuse is not going to help you at all. He has no reason to go to IC or FC because he has nothing to loose, no reason to change his ways because you are there like a security blanket and you let his abusive words and comments change how you behave. 
Staying there hoping he will just miraculously change is not doing you any good.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different out come.


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

Yea, I would think about kicking him out. Tell him go live with mamma. You shouldnt be taking care of someone so ungrateful
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

While it's usually good for one of the parents to stay home to raise the children, it is not always a good thing.

I do not see your husband being a good influence on the children or really doing anything special for them. How many places does he take them? Do they go to the zoo, museums and other educational places? Or does he sit home with them and surf the internet all day?

It might be best for him to go back to work even if 100% of his pay goes to child care. At least that way he is keeping his ability to get a job. 

What are your plans to separate and divorce your abusive husband?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Get some legal advice. He is being abusive and "not leaving marks" is just his p.o.v. 

You can leave him and share placement of the kids 50/50. You can set it up so you never have to be alone with him while exchanging kids (like in a public place or through a neutral 3rd party).

Maybe--just maybe--if you start legal proceedings, he will finally consent to counseling. But do not "threaten" divorce just to get him to counseling. It's usually better to file and then delay the process, give counseling a chance, but always have the reality of divorce staring him in the face.

The fact that he refuses counseling is big. If you can get him past that, there may be hope. Again, get some legal advice before you do anything. I'd keep quiet about it out of fear of him escalating to more violent behavior.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

You need to get out. If you're not willing to do it for your own sake, do it for your kids. Please.

If I were you, I'd start by calling a local domestic violence hotline or shelter. They'll know the laws in your state and what to do.

Best of luck to you. Stay strong, and don't underestimate the danger you and your children are in.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I investigate domestic violence cases all the time. Not allowing you to leave the house, not letting you call the police, trying to prevent you from going to work....all hallmark signs of abuse and some of what you have described fits very nicely in the criminal codes of all 50 states. Putting his hands on you or raising his hands against you in a violent, threatening, or provocative way is assault in my state and probably your's, too. Not letting you leave the house is "wrongful imprisonment" in my state. He doesn't need to go to counseling. He needs to go to jail. A few nights in the slam will give him a new outlook on life.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

39-13-302. False imprisonment.
(a) A person commits the offense of false imprisonment who knowingly removes or confines another unlawfully so as to interfere substantially with the other's liberty.
(b) False imprisonment is a Class A misdemeanor.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Some of the other things that are domestic violence from your posts are putting holes in walls/doors and breaking things. Abusers use these forms of violence to try to control their victim. The message is that next time it might be you that they kick, hit and break. 

You are living in a dangerous situation and really do need to get out.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Reread your post. I had missed the part about him lifting you up from the floor by your "chin". It's obviously assault and I could make a really strong argument for aggravated assault. I doubt anyone could lift someone from the floor by their chin because 12 lbs of force would break the average neck and you probably weigh somewhat over 12 lbs. He had to have his hand(s) around your neck. That's essentially strangulation. The State recognizes it as a lethal maneuver because the State used to execute people using the same physics. Depending on other factors, I might even be inclined to charge him with attempted murder for that little stunt.


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## sweetmama (Jan 20, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Reread your post. I had missed the part about him lifting you up from the floor by your "chin". It's obviously assault and I could make a really strong argument for aggravated assault. I doubt anyone could lift someone from the floor by their chin because 12 lbs of force would break the average neck and you probably weigh somewhat over 12 lbs. He had to have his hand(s) around your neck. That's essentially strangulation. The State recognizes it as a lethal maneuver because the State used to execute people using the same physics. Depending on other factors, I might even be inclined to charge him with attempted murder for that little stunt.


Not to make excuses for him, but he had me on my tippy-toes. His hands were under my chin, squeezing my face and lifting me onto my tippy-toes.

I agree with everyone's advice. It's just taking that first step that is so very hard. And he's being so nice right now. UGH!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Of course he's being very nice right now. It's called the cycle of abuse.

Take a look at this link. It discusses the cycle of abuse. Being very good is part of it. Abusers have an uncanny ability to read their victim. They know when they need to be nice to keep the victim from leaving and to suck them back in to stay. Then as time goes on and the victim starts to feel safe, they have to up the abuse to keep control over the victim. 

Cycle of Abuse


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

you are being abused and you need to get out. there is no joy here in this marriage. your husband is a manipulator and an abuser. he has a terrible temper. This is the person you're leaving home to raise your kids? you would NEVER hire a babysitter with these qualities. he is a terrible role model for your kids and a hypocritical nasty man. then he wants sex from you? is he joking? how dare he put his hands on you in a threatening way then say that it wouldn't fall under the definition of abuse. so I guess he thinks it OK to treat you this way. How does he discipline your kids? you think he's a great father because he loves his kids, meanwhile he treats you like dirt. like sh*t. like garbage. like a doormat. how did you come to this agreement that you work and he stays at home? I think that's fine and all and I don't necessarily think that it should always be the woman, but something tells me that he's home with the kids because he's incapable of being responsible enough to hold down a steady job. maybe he argues too much, or never gets along with his bosses. maybe he's arrogant and always right.

Regardless, if you had a daughter or a sister who was treated like this, you'd want her out. You were raised in an abusive home so you know how bad this is for your kids. Do whatever it takes to get out. Don't take this anymore. you've had enough of this abuse. NO MORE! don't make anymore excuses for yourself or for him why you should stay. 

You're worried about him? That's very selfless of you but now it's time to think about yourself and your kids. Think and worry about him from a distance. With his history of abuse of you, he'll be lucky to get any visitation with the kids. Start this year off right and make your exit plan NOW!!!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

You are being abused. He isn't going to change. He is probably going to get worse. He has a huge sense of entitlement and he is the lord and ruler of his domain. You are his little servant there to do his bidding, not a real human being. Your kids are better off not living in a home like this and they need to know that putting holes in walls, throwing things, screaming and yelling and name calling aren't acceptable. 
You keep talking about what he tells you about divorce and the law. First of all he doesn't know jack sh:t and second, even if he did why would he tell you the truth? He has a toy to play with and he doesn't want to lose his toy. You are the toy. 
Thus is a really good book about abuse: 
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men:Amazon:Books

Please read it. He's doing this because he's a selfish arrogant controlling person who is dehumanizing you. 
Please talk to your counselor about resources to help you get out safely, get legal help. Talk to your friends and family about what is going on. Secrecy is dangerous for you. Many women have died because men would rather see them dead than have to lose them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

SweetMama, I agree with the other posters urging you to leave your abusive SO. Normally, leaving by itself would be sufficient. Yet, because you both have young children and likely will end up in a custody fight, I strongly recommend that you speak with a psychologist -- by yourself for a visit or two -- to obtain a candid professional view on what it is you and the kids are dealing with. 

My main concern is that, if your descriptions of his abuse are accurate, he likely has strong traits of a personality disorder (PD) that can be passed on to one of your kids through abuse or genetics. Significantly, a 1993 Canadian study found that nearly all of the male spousal batterers have a full-blown PD and half of them have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). See Roger Melton's summary of the study at Romeo's Bleeding - When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong -- Health & Wellness -- Sott.net.

I therefore suggest you read my description of BPD traits to see if they sound very familiar. My post is in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, I suggest you speak with a psychologist about it. I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, SweetMama.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Hands (plural) under the chin, lifting someone's weight onto their tiptoes. That would mean both thumbs over or on both sides of the trachea, carotid arteries under the thumbs? Sound about right? Hard for me to imagine an innocent or harmless way of suspending someone by their head during an argument. If I treated a convicted felon that way in prison, I'd be fired, sued, and charged....and properly so.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

I'd be taking steps to leave if I were in your situation. What you descirbe IS abuse.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Hands (plural) under the chin, lifting someone's weight onto their tiptoes. That would mean both thumbs over or on both sides of the trachea, carotid arteries under the thumbs? Sound about right? Hard for me to imagine an innocent or harmless way of suspending someone by their head during an argument. If I treated a convicted felon that way in prison, I'd be fired, sued, and charged....and properly so.


My son's father did this to me a few times. It can hurt. Left no bruises but I sore for a few days.


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## thalia (Feb 4, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> You are being abused. He isn't going to change. He is probably going to get worse. He has a huge sense of entitlement and he is the lord and ruler of his domain. You are his little servant there to do his bidding, not a real human being. Your kids are better off not living in a home like this and they need to know that putting holes in walls, throwing things, screaming and yelling and name calling aren't acceptable.
> You keep talking about what he tells you about divorce and the law. First of all he doesn't know jack sh:t and second, even if he did why would he tell you the truth? He has a toy to play with and he doesn't want to lose his toy. You are the toy.
> Thus is a really good book about abuse:
> Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men:Amazon:Books
> ...


I second that book. It's one of the things that helped me remain strong with my decisions about my own abusive relationship. To see it spelled out so clearly, like someone had been following me around writing down the things going on in my life. I knew then this wasn't going to just end or get better if I didn't do something drastic.


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## sweetmama (Jan 20, 2013)

Uptown said:


> SweetMama, I agree with the other posters urging you to leave your abusive SO. Normally, leaving by itself would be sufficient. Yet, because you both have young children and likely will end up in a custody fight, I strongly recommend that you speak with a psychologist -- by yourself for a visit or two -- to obtain a candid professional view on what it is you and the kids are dealing with.
> 
> My main concern is that, if your descriptions of his abuse are accurate, he likely has strong traits of a personality disorder (PD) that can be passed on to one of your kids through abuse or genetics. Significantly, a 1993 Canadian study found that nearly all of the male spousal batterers have a full-blown PD and half of them have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). See Roger Melton's summary of the study at Romeo's Bleeding - When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong -- Health & Wellness -- Sott.net.
> 
> I therefore suggest you read my description of BPD traits to see if they sound very familiar. My post is in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, I suggest you speak with a psychologist about it. I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, SweetMama.


Looked up BPD. It doesn't really fit him. He has no vices, no addictions, no impulses (would never steal or do anything harmful such as drugs)... he has never tried to self-harm.

He has said, when he gets angry, that certain things set him off and that I know what those things are and push him. Yet, I do NOT like provoking him so I (so to use the old cliche) walk on eggshells around him.

It is sometimes mind boggling how he can go from so calm to so angry. It makes me mad because he does all these great things with the kids (loves taking them for bike rides and walks), can talk about our favorite music together, when he's in a good mood will talk about my hobbies and interests... we have a good time at night talking after the kids are in bed... it's just that his actions done in anger make me so mad. WHY? My counselor says he has no stop point (I don't think that's the term he used... stop gap?).. anyway, he has no ability to control himself once he is mad.

I have never thrown and broken a plate, for example. I don't have that kind of a temper, where he does.

Thank you, all of you, for your help. I know what I should do but I keep thinking about things... like this past summer when he said that our son's year end preschool program brought tears to his eyes -- he didn't tell me at the time, but told me another day. He's a good guy but makes some terrible, terrible choices when mad. I keep hoping that once the kids are older, he'll be less stressed, but I have no idea for sure.

Whomever asked about the job... yes, he quit working 6 months before our oldest was born. He wanted to get projects done around the house and then be a SAHD. Prior to that job (which lasted 2 years), he had 2 years of no employment because he could afford to do so (money from childhood, settlement from accident, enough to cover his half of the bills), worked 2 years before that, and had 2 years off before that. He got bored at his jobs but now doing the SAHD thing, he misses working. However, I think he thinks the grass is greener because I know he would miss being able to go outside whenever he wants the way he can now. He has this thing with not being pent up indoors and couldn't handle an office job, no way.

Not a great work track record and I would feel terrible if he had a felony/misdemeanor/abuse thing on his record because if things don't work out for us, I DO want him to be able to get a job because I do care about him making it after. He would still be my kids' dad after all.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

sweetmama said:


> Looked up BPD. It doesn't really fit him. He has no vices, no addictions


Neither did my BPDer exW. The vast majority of BPDers are high functioning people who have no drug addictions.


> He has never tried to self-harm.


It is rare for a high-functioning BPDer to self harm (e.g., cutting). This trait is commonly seen in the low functioning BPDers. As I noted above, the vast majority of BPDers are not low functioning so you should not expect to see self harming.


> He has no impulses.


Really? Don't you think that a man who can flip -- in a few seconds -- from loving you to screaming at you has a lack of control over his impulses? Don't you think a man has an impulse-control problem when he has "...broken/smashed 2-3 computer screens/keyboards, broken personal items of mine, throws the kids' toys out the front door into the street, kicked holes in walls and doors"? It sounds to me like your H has lots of impulses and very little control over them.


> I do NOT like provoking him so I (to use the old cliche) walk on eggshells around him.


Significantly, the #1 best-selling book -- targeted to abused spouses of BPDers -- is called _Stop Walking on Eggshells._


> It is sometimes mind boggling how he can go from so calm to so angry.


That is exactly how BPDers (i.e., those having strong BPD traits) behave. As I said above, they will flip in seconds from loving you to hating or devaluing you -- and will flip back just as quickly. One reason for this is that they do black-white thinking, wherein they categorize everyone as "all good" or "all bad." And they will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just a few seconds based solely on a minor comment or infraction. Indeed, this emotional instability is the key hallmark of having strong BPD traits.


> It makes me mad because he does all these great things with the kids (loves taking them for bike rides and walks), can talk about our favorite music together, when he's in a good mood will talk about my hobbies and interests.


While a BPDer is "splitting you white" (i.e., perceiving you to be "all good"), he will treat you wonderfully and be very easy to love. Indeed, two of the most beloved women in the world (Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana) were both BPDers -- if their biographers are correct.


> My counselor says he has no stop point (I don't think that's the term he used... stop gap?).. anyway, he has no ability to control himself once he is mad.


The lack of emotional control -- resulting in emotional instability -- is the key hallmark of BPD. Because a BPDer's emotional development is frozen at the level of a four year old, he never learned how to regulate his emotions. Indeed, a substantial share of the psychiatric community has been lobbying for twenty years to change the name of this disorder to _Emotional Regulation Disorder_.


> I have never thrown and broken a plate, for example. I don't have that kind of a temper, where he does.


Actually, you behaved exactly like him when you were four years old. And, if you had had the body strength of a full grown adult, you likely would have been throwing plates. The temper tantrums and hissy fits you threw at such a young age is exactly what you are seeing in your H.


> He's a good guy but makes some terrible, terrible choices when mad.


Generally, BPDers as a group are good people. Their problem is not being "bad" but, rather, _unstable._


> It's like there's this HUGE double standard in our marriage and he can do what he wants


Because BPDers are very emotionally immature, it is common for them to use one set of rules for themselves and another set for everybody else. Like young children, BPDers have a strong feeling of being entitled to things.


> I keep hoping that once the kids are older, he'll be less stressed, but I have no idea for sure.


If he is a BPDer, his attitude toward the kids likely will get worse, not better. HF BPDers typically do quite well in handling young children because the kids are so fully reliant on them that the parent has no fear of abandonment or engulfment. That changes, however, when the kids reach puberty and start having a mind of their own.


> He will call me at work, no "hello" -- and just start yelling at me, telling me what the latest things the kids have done to stress him out.


As I said, that will get much worse when the kids become teenagers if he has strong BPD traits.


> He is in denial about himself being a manipulator....


The primary reason a BPDer is so controlling and manipulating is that his greatest fear is abandonment. His other great fear is engulfment (which occurs during intimacy).


> He says I am crazy.


This attempt to control and manipulate you by making you feel "crazy" is common among abusive people having strong traits of BPD, Narcissistic PD, or Antisocial PD. But, by far, this "crazy making" behavior is most common among the BPDers. Indeed, it is so common that the ex-partners and ex-spouses have given it a name: "gaslighting." Of the several dozen PDs listed in the Diagnostic Manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds.


> he says he'll never change.


If he is a BPDer, you should BELIEVE him. It is rare for a high functioning BPDer to be willing to seek therapy. And, even when they do, it is rare for them to stay in therapy long enough to make a difference.


> I wish he would be open to counseling so SOMEONE could tell him that there are issues here and they're not all because of me.


I don't know whether your H has BPD traits at a strong level. I've never even met the man. I do believe, however, that you are capable of spotting the warning signs (i.e., the red flags) if you take time to read about them so you know what to look for. 

I also believe that you likely will obtain a candid professional assessment of your H's behavior if you go to a good psychologist who is not treating your H. Just tell the psych what behaviors you've been observing for many years. I am recommending you see a psychologist because, if your H actually has strong BPD traits, marriage counseling likely will be a waste of time until he's had several years of therapy to address his more serious issues.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

If & when you decide to leave, be very careful.

Leaving an abuser can be very dangerous.

Oh & stop expecting him to change into Prince Charming. He's a mess & you are co-dependent on him.


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## sweetmama (Jan 20, 2013)

Uptown and Emerald: thank you for your replies. This is definitely scary, but if someone close to me can get out of a REALLY bad situation after 25 years, that should be motivation enough for me.

I will read up more on BPD, specifically as it relates to the abusive relationship. I had heard of the term in the past but never knew what it was.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Make sure you're working on your plan to leave, too.


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## Graceemay (Feb 18, 2013)

thalia said:


> I second that book. It's one of the things that helped me remain strong with my decisions about my own abusive relationship. To see it spelled out so clearly, like someone had been following me around writing down the things going on in my life. I knew then this wasn't going to just end or get better if I didn't do something drastic.


I have not read the book but I am considering buying it.... Does it talk about all the different forms of abuse? My husband is verbally abusive to me but others don't seem to see it and think I am crazy. My mom keeps telling me what a good man he is.... she just doesn't see what I mean... He is a good provider to me and my 3 children. Do you think thats why they can't see what I am going through??? Any advise would be helpful. When you said you did something drastic, what did that mean? I do love my husband.... just don't know how to "fix" things so we are both happy.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Sweetmama, I feel for you. Been there, done that. My ex broke his hand on my face when he put my teeth through my lip... while I was pregnant. Oh, and all this ON Mother's Day! And believe it or not, he wasn't as violent as the man who came after. 

Anyway, I understand how hard it is to take that first step. After all, you know that there's nobody else in the world that can make you feel like the most important, precious woman that exists on earth. Of course, that only happens after an abusive episode. The rest of the time, he knows exactly which buttons to push to trigger your guilt, fear, and anger, and he uses them liberally. 

Like most young women, you've probably been taught to believe the best about people, especially when they seem sincere. You've also learned to try to be fair and honest with others, so when he blames you for his actions, you find yourself thinking that there's some truth to the accusations. 

These things keep women in relationships that are unhealthy long after they should leave! To be fair and honest, I've learned that there's NEVER just one abuser. Both people are abusive when a relationship has this stuff going on. Neither one respects boundaries well. However, it's nearly impossible to learn how to change it if you're still engaging with someone who won't change, and your guy is very directly telling you he's not going to.

One thing I found very helpful to me in learning how to get rid of these dynamics from my life was learning how to set and keep good boundaries: How to Set Boundaries and Be More Assertive

Another thing I discovered was that I was that my craving for excitement (and avoiding boredom) attracted these people into my life. I had to learn to recognize that "boring" people weren't necessarily boring, and could bring serenity to my life to replace that excitement.

Your guy sounds VERY dangerous to me. I encourage you to sock away some money before you try to leave. Also find out about what domestic abuse shelters exist in your area. They're very good for preventing abusers from gaining access to their victims. Stop trying to change him, or trying to get him to read stuff, etc. This is just adding criticism from you that fuels the fire. Make sure you have a safe place to go in an emergency, and get yourself a pre-paid phone as someone else mentioned. NEVER let him cut you off from your social circles!! The more isolated he can get you, the harder it will be to escape. 

I agree with your counselor when she (he?) says you tolerate too much. However, I disagree with your counselor a little bit, too. Pay close attention to those eensy-weensie seconds that signal the shift from calm to angry. MANY abusers like your husband go from calm to SUPER calm. Studies have shown that their blood pressure drops and they become very focused and determined. They are not "out of control" at ALL. They are quite conscious about what they are doing and it's 100% about gaining power and control while stripping you of yours. If you watch carefully, you'll see him flip that switch for a fraction of a second. His posture will relax, he'll take a calming breath, look directly at you and then away, and then BAM! It's on.




sweetmama said:


> It is sometimes mind boggling how he can go from so calm to so angry. It makes me mad because he does all these great things with the kids (loves taking them for bike rides and walks), can talk about our favorite music together, when he's in a good mood will talk about my hobbies and interests... we have a good time at night talking after the kids are in bed... it's just that his actions done in anger make me so mad. WHY? My counselor says he has no stop point (I don't think that's the term he used... stop gap?).. anyway, he has no ability to control himself once he is mad.


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