# 8 yrs Post Divorce still pained deeply..



## NostalgicOne (Mar 24, 2014)

I know it's been 8yrs. but I invested 16 in that marriage and My youth,hopes and every dream I had.

WHEN does it get better?

Im not without a lack of suitors, I get asked to get married again often and am just so not into anyone I have seen. The candle for what I had with ex is always there as he was My ideal partner until he cheated. 

Any insight on how to heal and move on would be great. (He moved on before the divorce even)


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

Moving on os about taking care of yourself, there is a part of you that believes you need him to be while, happy, but it is not the truth. Get in touch with that part, through counseling if you need to, then grieve your loss and move forward. Don't let your life be ruled by his choices. My marriage lasted 28 years, I am 2 years post divorce, and while I am not whole, I am not letting him steal any more joy from me


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## NostalgicOne (Mar 24, 2014)

I'm not financially able to afford counseling. Wish I could but My health has been in a steady decline since divorce and funds are non existent at this time.

I built and funded his career and he makes 6figures now and I am almost dead. Life surely isn't fair.


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

I'm sorry to see that, counseling has helped me enormously. MentAl health parity laws have made it easier to get counseling if you have insurance


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Many state or federally sponsored insurance programs can be obtained for low cost. You will need health insurance no matter what. 

No idea how old you are, or really anything about you. 

You can read online at PsychCentral or PsychologyToday. You can find articles all over the internet about healing and moving forward. You can purchase used paperbacks online, for a song and dance, if you don't mind used. 

Your best bet is to somehow get health insurance and get into counseling. I'd start with that and some exercise, if you don't now. Just a bit of walking is helpful to lift spirits. Any activity will be helpful. 

You will have to keep a schedule and do things in small bites. Make little goals and lists until you can do them without being distracted by your loneliness or depression.

Look on the internet for foods that help relieve depression. There are many. Some, can be purchased for fairly reasonable prices. Eat as healthy as you can.

Start a journal and keep up with it. Start several in word or physically write them in a cheap notebook. Start one with things that bother you. One with things that you accomplished, however small. One with things you would like to do and what steps you need to take to get them done. Keep track of that stuff and soon, you will be able to see that you can do things on your own that make you happy. 

Once again, you need to get into counseling for help. You need insurance. 

You can do it. Just take one small step at a time and keep doing it. You will have setbacks. That's normal. Pick yourself up the best you can. Dust yourself off, and take another step. 

You are worth the effort. Don't stop until you know that.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

NostalgicOne said:


> I know it's been 8yrs. but I invested 16 in that marriage and My youth,hopes and every dream I had.
> 
> WHEN does it get better?
> 
> ...


It will soon be three years out for me and I doubt that five more will change anything as far as marriage goes. The saddest part of some of these failed marriage examples lies with one or both parties not being able to cope with a little adversity in their lives.
Although my marriage exploded at twenty years, the ups and downs of living expenses never seemed to be one of the reasons.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

NostalgicOne said:


> I'm not financially able to afford counseling. Wish I could but My health has been in a steady decline since divorce and funds are non existent at this time.
> 
> I built and funded his career and he makes 6figures now and I am almost dead. Life surely isn't fair.


You have let this affect you way too much. It's been eight years - time to buck up. Health is linked in a big way to emotional well-being. You've got to stop looking backward and pining. You don't have to remarry or find "the one" but you DO have to be happy with the here and now. I know everyone's time frame for healing is different, but you need to let this go and do things today that make you happy. You may even find your physical health improves drastically. 

United Family Services, part of United Way, offers counseling on a sliding scale based on income. When I wasn't working I only paid $7 for an hour-long session. Take care of YOU. No one else will; your ex sure won't. You didn't get alimony? Usually when one spouse puts their career on hold for the other, even when you work, you still get some form of alimony.

Stop seeing him as the love of your life. It was a pipe dream. He was NOT. If he was, he wouldn't have cheated. He doesn't deserve the title or the pedestal you are putting him on.


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## Trojan John (Sep 30, 2011)

I would sincerely suggest that you try any- and everything to get past this. My MIL is almost 20 years past her divorce and it has affected her health and personal relationships to the point that she is almost intolerable after a few hours in her company. She had aged prematurely due to stress and sadness. The empathy that I felt for her these 12 years has slowly become annoyance at her adamant refusal to try to move past it. I get the impression that she is waiting around to die.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

What have you done for yourself in the last 8 years?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Is he out of your life? Hopefully no contact and you are doing the 180.


If he cheated on you, you have him in an ideal place in your mind where he should not be.

Hopefully, someday you can trust and move on.

But do make sure that your new H has your love, and is not second best to your ex H that cheated on you.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

NostalgicOne said:


> I know it's been 8yrs. but I invested 16 in that marriage and My youth,hopes and every dream I had.
> 
> WHEN does it get better?
> 
> ...


It gets better when you WAKE UP and realize your "ideal man" never existed. He was and still is a cheating POS. Why hold a candle to someone who probably never REALLY loved you? You continue to pine away for him when there are plenty of other "suitors" who are almost certainly much better men then him. Certainly no worse.

You've now waste 24 years of your life. 16 because of him and 8 because of you. How many more do you want to waste? Give someone else a chance. I'm not sure why you think there is no one better. You're issues at this point are psychological and you need to figure out a way to let go of this pain. Sometimes you just can't stop bad things from happening but you certainly do control how you handle the aftermath.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

We aren't trying to be mean, although we may sound a bit harsh. We're just trying to get you to wake up to reality and move on. He isn't part of your world anymore. Life can be wonderful and fulfilling and it's a shame to let someone like him take that from you.


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

I can relate to your pain, it is horrible and unbearable and with economic suffering on top of it there seems like no end in sight.

Yet, I meet so many woman who oddly describe someone who either cheated on them, treated them without respect or flat out abused them etc. as the ideal man.

Write that down, my ideal man cheated on me. Is that your idea of an ideal man? No, you said he WAS your ideal man UNTIL he cheated on you. That doesn't make sense, if he had been your "ideal" man then odds are he would not have cheated on you and left you to age struggling in health and poverty. Case closed.

He NEVER was your ideal man. It was either a con, you seeing him as something he was not or both. Happens all the time.

So often for reasons noble and not noble women idealize a man who just flat out does not deserve it, often these men put on airs but for whatever reason the image held of the man is only an illusion.

You have to begin with examining why you continue to romanticize him as something he never was and never will be and why you spend your time pining away for the loss of an illusion. Grieve the loss of youth, grieve all of the lost dreams that were dependent with him or another man attached and learn to live a happy life with yourself. Get a job, eat better like people have posted so you can feel good about yourself and spend more time doing things that facilitate a positive feeling of self-worth and less time thinking about how a man, a real one, a mythical one, one in the past or one in the future can make you happy.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

NostalgicOne said:


> I know it's been 8yrs. but I invested 16 in that marriage and My youth,hopes and every dream I had.
> 
> WHEN does it get better?
> 
> ...


Hello. 

You do not know me, and I do not know you. I do understand what betrayal feels like when you feel like you finally found a "good" partner. No matter how many offers you get. You question whether or not you can move forward. 

There are two services that are often very affordable. I have begun taking advantage of both. The first, a church therapist who excepts donations. The second is many university's offer free counseling as long as you are not suicidal. 

I have taken advantage of both and it has helped. I still do not know when I will focus on the time to date again, much less marry. I personally would like to do both, but I also wouldn't mind inventing bacon topped, bacon crusted, bacon filled pie. 

Thanks for reading. I hope your fortunes change.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

OK. So 2 things you said...

1)"The candle for what I had with ex is always there as he was My ideal partner until he cheated." 

Guess what, an ideal partner doesn't cheat on you. The fact that you would even write that sentence tells me that you have a misplaced and incorrect perception of who your ex is.

2) "I built and funded his career and he makes 6figures now and I am almost dead. Life surely isn't fair."

As many of us know on this board life isn't fair. Sounds like as above, you are living in the past and holding onto things that you need to let go of.

The only way you are going to move on from all this is to let it all go...the fear, the hurt and start a brand new chapter right now.

Easier said than done but you need to look forward not backwards.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

My ex mother in law was widowed at he age of 46. She pined her loss until she died at the age of 83. She used to tell me that keeping busy was the only antidote to her loss. 

Don't compare your life to his, you have had choices to remarry, but you are waiting until if or when you find someone worth that step. You aren't willing to settle, just to 'have someone', that is brave. 

It is painful to remember the good times, I think many of us feel that way. Those memories are harder to take than the bad ones.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

I have a bit of a different suggestion.

I ended a marriage that lasted over 21 years and although I had very little grief over that, I met a new guy shortly after I got separated that I knew pretty quickly was extraordinary.

I'm not the irrational, emotional type. I didn't believe in love at first sight or the concept of having soulmates or any other such nonsense but that's pretty close to what happened.

So my reaction was fear-based. I don't like uncertainty...I like taking calculated risks...I like feeling independent...I like knowing I can walk away. My immediate reaction to him...especially once it started getting serious, was to try extract myself.

When he asked me why I was doing that, I really couldn't answer the question for obvious reasons. So I spend a week exercising hard and taking some long walks to figure out what was going on...finally I had an epiphany.

You have come to accept that the only constant in life is change. Every relationship you have will end. Every single one. At some point, if you don't die before your loved ones...everything becomes a memory. The key is to maximize the good ones and find a way to prepare for the future but live in the moment. And life is good....its wonderful and thrilling even when you're having a hard time.

There may come a day when I can't make my partner happy. But regardless, I love him so much that I want his happiness even more than I want my own....and although I'll continue to try to make him happy, if it doesn't work out, I'm strong enough to let him move on.

I simply came to realize that even if my partner walked out on me tomorrow....how could I feel anything but completely grateful for having had the opportunity to spend even a minute in his company? I actually feel better just knowing that he's on the planet, even if he isn't on it with me. And that helped me let go of the fear that I might have to mourn him one day for whatever reason. I know one day, for whatever reason, he won't be in my life anymore...and that's ok...when it changes, I'll remember my life with him with joy.

I know this might seem very difficult but celebrate the good times you had with your ex. No relationship has ever lasted forever. They all end....all of them. Celebrate your memories and find ways to live in the moment. Life is a gift, don't waste it. Time is the one thing you can't get back.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

NostalgicOne said:


> I know it's been 8yrs. but I invested 16 in that marriage and My youth,hopes and every dream I had.
> 
> WHEN does it get better?
> 
> ...


Hi NO

Do you still see your ex-spouse? If so, that is probably one of the reasons why you feel unable to move on perhaps? If you have children with him then it would be difficult not to see your ex at all. So I do sympathise if that's the situation.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Excellent post, Nikita!!!

:iagree:


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