# Unintentionally set off a trigger for BH



## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Having had a baby four months ago, I've been back at the gym for two months to get back in shape for my health (I have only 1 kidney so no wiggle room for any health issues that can be caused by extra weight).

Now that I've lost most of the baby weight, hubby was saying last night that it worries him to see me back where I was physically and that it worries him that I'll seek out validation from someone else (what led to my EA). I can tell by his mood for the rest of the night, this was definitely bothering him. 

What would you as BS' want from the WS in this case? I am definitely open to suggestions on this. I'm making sure I check in a lot more frequently, I send him a copy of my meeting schedule every day, text him during the day.


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## gdtm0111 (Oct 15, 2012)

First I would be happy to see my WS back to pre-baby weight, however for some women I guess that just doesn't happen.

Second being transparent is a good start. I would want my W to be more reassuring. In my case, she has agreed (after talking to her IC) that we really need to see a MC.

Good luck!


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Honestly there is no way to “win”. If you kept the weight, he’d trigger that the OM got the hardbody and he got the muffintop. I’d take the hardbody any day. Thing about triggers is that they will pass. Just keep to the “I’m so sorry those thoughts have to go through your mind. I’m sorry I created this mess.” (Then let him play with your engorged breast)


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

I would rather see my wife getting back in shape at home
There is no need to go to a gym to lose weight or to get in shape or to stay in shape.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> I would rather see my wife getting back in shape at home
> There is no need to go to a gym to lose weight or to get in shape or to stay in shape.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hmm... I'm not sure if it's the 'where' that's bothering him or just the outcome but maybe that's a contributor. I'll ask - maybe that would help.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

gdtm0111 said:


> First I would be happy to see my WS back to pre-baby weight, however for some women I guess that just doesn't happen.
> 
> Second being transparent is a good start. I would want my W to be more reassuring. In my case, she has agreed (after talking to her IC) that we really need to see a MC.
> 
> Good luck!


Thank you - we are in MC and it really is helping overall. I'll definitely put some more efforts in to reassuring him also.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I'm sure where and outcome are both triggers on some level. He may not be fully aware which.

You might try sexting him. Let him see that you've gotten into shape but now you're using it to please him, and that your attention is focused on him. Give him a reason to see it as a bonus.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Can he go to the gym with you and get in shape (if he needs it?)-- 

Now in all honesty, have you had a problem with getting validation from others? Do you seek external ego lifting or do you feel pretty confident in yourself and rely on that for personal pride? 

He might be feeling like he "can't" give you that validation if your tendency is to seek it from others. 

Marriage issues are interpersonal and cause a marriage to be vulnerable but the actual engaging of a affair is really about personal responsibility (which you already know)-- usually there is a personal issue which really needs to be uncovered. We tend to find changes to significant aspects of our personality, such as responsibility, growth, respect, or overall maturity, very difficult to complete. 

The losing weight is a surface trigger for him, what I suspect is he really wants to see the same dedication to exposing the core of your vulnerability and commitment to addressing and repairing that issue as much as you do losing weight.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

daggeredheart said:


> Can he go to the gym with you and get in shape (if he needs it?)--
> 
> Now in all honesty, have you had a problem with getting validation from others? Do you seek external ego lifting or do you feel pretty confident in yourself and rely on that for personal pride?
> 
> ...


He's in decent shape but keeps talking about going to the gym. I'm trying to get him to go with me. 

I think you hit the nail on the head about the vulnerability though. I will have to bring this up later and see what he says.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> He's in decent shape but keeps talking about going to the gym. I'm trying to get him to go with me.
> 
> I think you hit the nail on the head about the vulnerability though. I will have to bring this up later and see what he says.


Good idea encourage him to go with you. I feel so much better hitting the free weights after work


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Tcs- I just wanted to compliment your head on approach to this. You dont sit around and wait for your BH to tell you what to do- you go out and seek it. Good on you! Keep it up.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Should have rocked his world to put his mind at ease 

Honey, this is all for you!

Did we have a small earthquake last night?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Tcs- I just wanted to compliment your head on approach to this. You dont sit around and wait for your BH to tell you what to do- you go out and seek it. Good on you! Keep it up.


a very female way of doing things.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Tcs- I just wanted to compliment your head on approach to this. You dont sit around and wait for your BH to tell you what to do- you go out and seek it. Good on you! Keep it up.


Thank you - I was passive and inactive in this process far too long which only made things SOOO much worse. I also did a lot more damage by being horrible when everything came out so I know there is a lot to be fixed and I don't want to put more work on him. I have days where I wonder why he stuck it out during that time.

CH - yes, I definitely make sure to keep his world rocking - LOL!


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

tom67 said:


> Good idea encourage him to go with you. I feel so much better hitting the free weights after work


You know... One of my best memories of my time during the initial stages of our R had to do with exercise. I couldn’t look into my wife’s eyes back then. She was a liar, TT’ing, and a general nasty person. Any words seemed to lead to an argument. 

Enter the kid’s Wii and “The Biggest Loser” game. No words, no thoughts, just side by side doing the workouts. At those times, I could put the affairs and the spiraling thoughts aside and ‘beat her’ at that silly competition pushing myself to my limits. It helped me feel better about myself when I looked in the mirror. It gave us something ‘non-confrontational’ to do together and complement each other on... Just us, sweating and doing god-awful lunges all night.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

JnaiceJade1 said:


> he is having some self esteem issues himself..........


No he isn't. 

It is a trigger. And she should take his feelings into account. 

Maybe try running around the neighborhood, instead of going to the gym. Try to find ways to not trigger him. They aren't pleasant.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Juicer said:


> No he isn't.
> 
> It is a trigger. And she should take his feelings into account.
> 
> Maybe try running around the neighborhood, instead of going to the gym. Try to find ways to not trigger him. They aren't pleasant.


You are right, it is a trigger and that's why I'm looking for some insight. 

I'll talk to him tonight to see what the pieces are that are causing this. I'm not sure it's the gym itself but more the fact that I'm getting back into shape but I'll find out. The last thing I want to do is make this any more difficult for him.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

It depends on his personality red. For my personality I would need a lot of affection but not just any affection it has to come with a sweet disposition. I am very gun shy and need that anyway. I don't think most guys are that way and don't know why I am either. But it is the only thing that keeps me stable. any lack of that and I get in panic mode. I hate it but can't seem to stop it. I think he would have to be a touchy feely guy for that to apply though.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> Should have rocked his world to put his mind at ease
> 
> Honey, this is all for you!
> 
> Did we have a small earthquake last night?


That was exactly what I was going to say.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Stonewall said:


> It depends on his personality red. For my personality I would need a lot of affection but not just any affection it has to come with a sweet disposition. I am very gun shy and need that anyway. I don't think most guys are that way and don't know why I am either. But it is the only thing that keeps me stable. any lack of that and I get in panic mode. I hate it but can't seem to stop it. I think he would have to be a touchy feely guy for that to apply though.


Hubby is definitely not a touchy/feely guy. For him, he's only comfortable with touch in a sexual context. 

And for those suggesting I jump his bones - not to worry, he's getting a lot of that.  

It just set my mind to spinning a bit when he made the comment about seeking validation so I want to get ahead of this before it becomes a bigger issue or repeats. I hate to see that look in his eyes.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Ask him if he would prefer that you not work out ?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Triggers aren't always rational. Years ago my wife said something, can't remember, what, but it triggered me. I never said anything but I must have had a look about me, as my wife held me and said: "That made you think about OM, didn't it?" I said "yes" and she apologised.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Triggers aren't always rational. Years ago my wife said something, can't remember, what, but it triggered me. I never said anything but I must have had a look about me, as my wife held me and said: "That made you think about OM, didn't it?" I said "yes" and she apologised.


I agree, with me they are not logical most of the time. Most of the time I have no idea what the trigger actually was.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Looooong conversation last night, but a good one. His concern isn't really about going to the gym. He's worried that I won't turn to him for validation and that I'll find someone else. I get that.

So, we talked a lot about how our marriage was then. He had been in a major depression for several years, hiding in his man cave. We spent NO time together, never really talked and had no real relationship to speak of during that period. We both agreed, we're in a very different place and committed to making this work. 

I apologized for making him feel this way and told him that I understood he had no reason to trust what I was saying but that I hoped he would see over time that I was not every going down that path again. 

He was really surprised that I had initiated the whole conversation since I normally go out of my way to NOT bring up any topic related to the EA or anything that might set him off. 

For a change, the conversation stayed very calm and positive overall. It ended very, very well.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Looooong conversation last night, but a good one. His concern isn't really about going to the gym. He's worried that I won't turn to him for validation and that I'll find someone else. I get that.
> 
> So, we talked a lot about how our marriage was then. He had been in a major depression for several years, hiding in his man cave. We spent NO time together, never really talked and had no real relationship to speak of during that period. We both agreed, we're in a very different place and committed to making this work.
> 
> ...


Bringing it up when the situation calls for it is stand up. Its what a BS needs. Not to have to lead you by the nose. For you to do the hard work. To pay attention without always having to be told "do this or I need that" sometimes you should ask. It lets us know its on your mind. That youre still working. That you give a darn how he feels without having to have it put in your face. 

Again, good on you.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Bringing it up when the situation calls for it is stand up. Its what a BS needs. Not to have to lead you by the nose. For you to do the hard work. To pay attention without always having to be told "do this or I need that" sometimes you should ask. It lets us know its on your mind. That youre still working. That you give a darn how he feels without having to have it put in your face.
> 
> Again, good on you.


Im gonna give you my H's phone number.

He is doing well. He has come a long way. Just has a long way to go. Its a process. Keep up the good work.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> He was really surprised that I had initiated the whole conversation since I normally go out of my way to NOT bring up any topic related to the EA or anything that might set him off.
> 
> For a change, the conversation stayed very calm and positive overall. It ended very, very well.


That was great. Being proactive is something my wife got from the very first moment and I believe it speeded the healing in a ways I only recognized later but I thanked her many times since. Bringing "it" on her own and respecting me when I told her no. It was this being beyond aviable but willing to put herself in the hot seat what helped us tons long term. It was very brave of you. Keep up doing this way.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

So, just tracking the progress. The last two weeks have been better. We've had a few conversations about the A and even more about our future.

Last night was a rough one in MC. He's having trouble understanding how I went from 'that' person who didn't want to accept blame (I was horrible for weeks after D Day) wanted to end the marriage and call it quits (not to be with the xOM but just to be done with the marriage) to now being completely committed to reconciliation.

I can and have apologized and am continuing to demonstrate that I'm committed but really, it's all just words and such from someone he no longer trusts (and has no reason to at this point). At this point, I'm just continuing to stay the course and keep doing what I'm doing to prove to him that it's worth staying.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

TCSRedhead said:


> He's having trouble understanding how I went from 'that' person who didn't want to accept blame (I was horrible for weeks after D Day) wanted to end the marriage and call it quits (not to be with the xOM but just to be done with the marriage) to now being completely committed to reconciliation.
> 
> .


I can understand that. I felt the same way after DD 4 - I was ready to leave, but this time there really WAS something different. WH said it finally just clicked. He can't explain it, but he finally opened his eyes. I asked him many times why I was supposed to believe him - how can he just go from one extreme to the next....he just said it was and understood why I wouldn't believe him, but at that second, that was all he had and he just wanted time and a chance to prove it.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> So, just tracking the progress. The last two weeks have been better. We've had a few conversations about the A and even more about our future.
> 
> Last night was a rough one in MC. He's having trouble understanding how I went from 'that' person who didn't want to accept blame (I was horrible for weeks after D Day) wanted to end the marriage and call it quits (not to be with the xOM but just to be done with the marriage) to now being completely committed to reconciliation.
> 
> I can and have apologized and am continuing to demonstrate that I'm committed but really, it's all just words and such from someone he no longer trusts (and has no reason to at this point). At this point, I'm just continuing to stay the course and keep doing what I'm doing to prove to him that it's worth staying.


Tell your BH this is why you acted the way you did on dday and for awhile after dday. This is the way all WW are at on dday.

Your BH does not realize that you were addicted to the OM. An affair triggers the same brain chemistry just as any other addiction. You needed to detox from the OM.

You also mentally justified re writting your marital history to justify having an affair was all your BH's fault.

Some WW detox in a day. Some 6 months. Until the WW detoxs from the OM her normal self will not appear.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Business travel next week - this always makes for a tense time between us. Last time was better, I think. I made sure to give him my itinerary and access to see any changes to it. I texted him in the morning, at night and at points during the day when I could. We talked every night while I was gone.

No drinking - no eating dinner in the hotel bar. He's not happy that there is likely to be a 'team dinner' with my coworkers but there's no dodging that one while I'm trying to get a promotion (which BH really wants so we can move back to CA).


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