# what giving yourself to the other really means when you get married?



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

is the expectation that you should be able to get everything you need from your partner in life if withing the bounderies of what most people would do in the bedroom? or the expectations should be that both partners are supposed to be able to talk about everything and arrive to consensus about what they can put on the relationship. I am talking about once you reach a point in your live where you become more demanding of your emotional needs.

What I would like to know from you guys is what is your take about expectations about how much one should be able to give to the other in the spirit of making the relationship work. 

Is there any answer to this question? because if there is, I would like to know how to apply it to my relationship so I can feel more content with what my wife can give....thanks


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

You mention expectations a lot. You apparently have quite a few.

What _exactly_ are your expectations of your wife?

I found that when I wrote down my expectations of marriage down on paper, they suddenly appeared to be irrational. Sometimes you have to adjust them.

What are your wife's expectations? Are you meeting them?


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## YoungBuck (Mar 30, 2011)

More importantly what are your wifes needs and expectations? When you meet hers to the fullest, that's when you can start worrying about your own. If you had a traditional marriage your vows state pretty clearly what your focus should be as a husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

YoungBuck said:


> More importantly what are your wifes needs and expectations? When you meet hers to the fullest, that's when you can start worrying about your own. If you had a traditional marriage your vows state pretty clearly what your focus should be as a husband.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It seems counterproductive but this is a true statement. I spent years focusing on MY needs, MY expectations, what I wanted and never once considered what my husband wanted/needed. As a result NONE of my needs were met. Once I took the focus off myself and onto making his life better he began to WANT to meet my needs.

Turns out he has needs OUTSIDE the bedroom that have to be met before he will even think about meeting mine in it. Go figure. Now he appears to be game for anything I want and it's fabulous!


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## YoungBuck (Mar 30, 2011)

Cool! I'm glad to hear something like that. An older guy who is friends with my dad gave me some pretty good advice before I got married. He said " marriage is a race for second place." If both people are focused on putting the other first, you will be successful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

YoungBuck said:


> Cool! I'm glad to hear something like that. An older guy who is friends with my dad gave me some pretty good advice before I got married. He said " marriage is a race for second place." If both people are focused on putting the other first, you will be successful.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nice.


what a cool statement


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

marcopoly69 said:


> is the expectation that you should be able to get everything you need from your partner in life if withing the bounderies of what most people would do in the bedroom? or the expectations should be that both partners are supposed to be able to talk about everything and arrive to consensus about what they can put on the relationship. I am talking about once you reach a point in your live where you become more demanding of your emotional needs.
> 
> What I would like to know from you guys is what is your take about expectations about how much one should be able to give to the other in the spirit of making the relationship work.
> 
> Is there any answer to this question? because if there is, I would like to know how to apply it to my relationship so I can feel more content with what my wife can give....thanks


 I think in most relationships, one is more of a GIVER than the other and one is more selfish (wanting what we feel we need & struggling when we don't feel we are getting it-in other words more WEAK minded & pouty). If 2 selfish's marry , this is a collision waiting to happen unless they learn compromise without resentment. 

If 2 Givers marry , they will be mightily blessed. 

I feel there are normal expectations within the marital bedroom, a frequency that enables the other to feel loved & desired, not withering/suffering, to never have comments like "are you done yet", or lay there like a corpse. Show a little enthhusiam. For each to at least try oral , I do not feel is expecting too much, trying some new positions. Life is too short, we should aim to please each others desires. 

But then SOME OF US have unusually HIGH expectations. I can be like this at times, especially during my 8 month saga of LUST. I will fully admit I am the more SELFISH impatient one in my marriage - but at the same time, I am one H of a GIVER too, so I expect alot. I know you are a GIVER and pleaser too Marco, so for us, it kinda hurts if we feel we are not "receiving" as much as we are lavishing on our partners. 

We may need to "daily" reign in some our WILD expectations so as to not overwhelm our partners and also our own minds & hearts & cause us to question our spouse's love for us. This will only work against us, sabotaging our goal of contentment & happiness. 

ANYTHING in life can become an Obsession, especially SEX! 

To have a spouse who deeply "gets us" - understands our deep & sometimes Foolish desires, even when we screw up-pushing a little more when we should be RESPECTING & backing away, if they don't hold these things against us - but wipe our slates clean as we struggle through trying to make peace with ourselves & our wayward desires - this is GOLDEN, and much to be thankful for.

Do you have THIS with your Wife Marco? 

I have this with my husband. And for this, I could not ask for more.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

MGirl said:


> You mention expectations a lot. You apparently have quite a few.
> 
> What _exactly_ are your expectations of your wife?
> 
> ...


A very good self examination that you have done, and it is a very good attitude for us to have! 

People usually want more than they need, if they focus too much on their wants instead of their needs, they are not happy and content with what they have!


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I think in most relationships, one is more of a GIVER than the other and one is more selfish (wanting what we feel we need & struggling when we don't feel we are getting it-in other words more WEAK minded & pouty). If 2 selfish's marry , this is a collision waiting to happen unless they learn compromise without resentment.
> 
> If 2 Givers marry , they will be mightily blessed.
> 
> ...


My wife and I are going through a very nice time in our lives, we still talk about our relationship and things I need from her and she may need from me...for example, affirmation about all my efforts to show her my love...sometimes one would want for the other to understand that showing how you think about the other needs for feeling loved and that you do something about it, go along way.

It is not about sex anymore, but it is about quality of sex...and it is not only about how many positions or foreplay we did, is about feeling that the other is in the moment with you really, really wanting to be there with you...no rejections, and enthusiasm....if one is not there, it is better to skip that day, for another that it will make you feel special...

This is the new thing for me....I think i finally got what I need from my wife to be happy...and it has to do with her ability to make me feel not only loved but special....when you succed in making the other to feel loved and special, then you are meeting the other emotional needs. I mean what else is in life but for humans to go after that emotion that make you feel alive and special in life.....


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> A very good self examination that you have done, and it is a very good attitude for us to have!
> 
> People usually want more than they need, if they focus too much on their wants instead of their needs, they are not happy and content with what they have!


To me is about feeling that the love of my life thinks about me...that she knows what touches my heart and that she makes an effort to touch my emotions hopefully everyday...like I do...it is not so much about sex but is about the thinks that make you feel like you do realize how much the other love you, need you and want you....when this happens, life is beautiful...now how do you do it, you make an effort to think about the other...about what he/she needs to feel loved and do something about it...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

marcopoly69 said:


> My wife and I are going through a very nice time in our lives, we still talk about our relationship and things I need from her and she may need from me...for example, affirmation about all my efforts to show her my love...sometimes one would want for the other to understand that showing how you think about the other needs for feeling loved and that you do something about it, go along way......



Sounds like the communication has come a ways, good for both of you !! 




marcopoly69 said:


> It is not about sex anymore, but it is about quality of sex...and it is not only about how many positions or foreplay we did, is about feeling that the other is in the moment with you really, really wanting to be there with you...no rejections, and enthusiasm....if one is not there, it is better to skip that day, for another that it will make you feel special.


Absolutely.


marcopoly69 said:


> This is the new thing for me....I think i finally got what I need from my wife to be happy...and it has to do with her ability to make me feel not only loved but special....when you succed in making the other to feel loved and special, then you are meeting the other emotional needs. I mean what else is in life but for humans to go after that emotion that make you feel alive and special in life.....


So what is your wife doing specifically now that she was lacking before-that was hurting you inside, just more verbal affirmation -or other things as well? 

You ought to take some time & write out your Marital "story" Marco & think about sharing it in the Successful Marraige Forum. You have been married a long time & have overcome some tremendous sexual struggles, and a disconnect in understanding each other for a long time. 

Sounds like you & her have finally climbed "the Mountain" and are now where you both always was meant to be- sexually, emotionally, communicatively. 

It can be a an inspiration for some that it is never too late - if we are committed, love with a passion & continue to persevere even when things are driving us crazy at times, everyone on here knows who you are Marco!! If you are feeling content these days, I think MANY will find amazement in that ! Ha ha


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Sounds like the communication has come a ways, good for both of you !!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


What is different now is that I feel loved by my wife...we communicate and argue but it doesn't get out of hands anymore...we both feel like we have passed that time of our lives....

SA the problem before was that she thought that the most important thing in a family were the children and that the husband should be happy with a wife that gives you, in her view, enough sex....well, before, I was overweight, have not finished my career, etc...so I went along, and the usual, masturbation, lots of porn and more masturbation...sometimes she would do things for me but not before arguing and fighting about them...which took all the emotions away from it....

Anyways, she gets now that if you don't take care of your husband as a couple and lover, I won't be droven to her for too long before something or someone happens that drives me away from her...I have said this before, that the men sexual power when in high gear is too powerful for ignoring once your children are gonne....but the most important thing that changed the dinamics was communication about why for me was such a big deal....i remember like yesterday when sitting in a coffe shop i looked at her and told her with tears in my eyes that she had never made me feel sexy or desire and that was killing me and not permitting me to be close to her....something happened that day tha made my wife to really changed...maybe she saw my heart hurt and couldn't stand that she was causing so much pain in my heart....

I love and desire her so much that it was very conflictive for me having these emotions inside me....pain, love, desire, and recentment....I told her that i wanted to be with her all my life and cheerish her for ever...but I couldn't if I didn't feel close to her....and without she making me feel special and loved that was never gonna happen....so it came down to if you really but really love me and can't live without me, she had to change...I was not going to go back to the same old situation where I didn't have acces to her body or couldn't count on her to do anything special....I remember once that by mistake when I was about to cum, my penis came out and I cum all over her butt....she got mad...I didn't know what to say?...I mean what is the big deal?...it was me after all, the love of her life, the guy who with nothing made someone of himself and like to clean the house, talk to his kids, and let her know every single day how beautiful and intelenget i think she is....she took me for granted...and when i told her that no more....and put my heart out and simpletly told her this is not the life i want....i need to be able to feel close to you and i cant if we are not in the same page sexually.....we need to talk about, and comprimised...and thats what we did


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Once married, getting your own sexual needs met is no longer your problem. That is your wife's problem. Getting her's met isn't her problem, that's your job. If both put their partner first, neither should have serious problems in this area.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

unbelievable said:


> Once married, getting your own sexual needs met is no longer your problem. That is your wife's problem. Getting her's met isn't her problem, that's your job. If both put their partner first, neither should have serious problems in this area.


My husband never masterbated cause he viewed this exactly as stated above ^^^^ and sadly - I was falling down on the job for 19 long years.  He was so darn NICE /passive about it, I really didnt realize I was falling down. I am so NOT like him, I make a huge deal if someone is not doing their job. He is a superb worker cause he only needed a little understanding & boy did he step it up! 

The 1 time my husband masterbated while married, he had a goal to diminish his sperm count some the morning of our "attempted try to conceive a girl " after having 4 sons. Some guy at work told him to do this & would you believe, we conceived our only daughter that very night.  I would have never known this -had we not opened up the sex dialog a few years ago.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> It seems counterproductive but this is a true statement. I spent years focusing on MY needs, MY expectations, what I wanted and never once considered what my husband wanted/needed. As a result NONE of my needs were met. Once I took the focus off myself and onto making his life better he began to WANT to meet my needs.
> 
> Turns out he has needs OUTSIDE the bedroom that have to be met before he will even think about meeting mine in it. Go figure. Now he appears to be game for anything I want and it's fabulous!


Lol, this works both ways as well. I don't think anyone could say it better.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

marcopoly69 said:


> is the expectation that you should be able to get everything you need from your partner in life if withing the bounderies of what most people would do in the bedroom? or the expectations should be that both partners are supposed to be able to talk about everything and arrive to consensus about what they can put on the relationship. I am talking about once you reach a point in your live where you become more demanding of your emotional needs.
> 
> What I would like to know from you guys is what is your take about expectations about how much one should be able to give to the other in the spirit of making the relationship work.
> 
> Is there any answer to this question? because if there is, I would like to know how to apply it to my relationship so I can feel more content with what my wife can give....thanks



My x wife didn't think sexual needs were important and she had me convinced that wanting frequent sex was dirty and made me a pig.

It, therefore, blows me over to read other posts here and learn what some wives will do sexually for their husbands because they want to please them. One thread had women getting dizzy and nauseous with BJs, but they did it because they loved and wanted to please their husbands. My x wife would have painted me as lower than dirt had she ever done something that made her dizzy and nauseous. My wife, however, would probably argue that the once every 3 to 6 weeks was her giving in and doing it to please me.

On the other hand, I would have been at her beckon call and done anything she asked at least once. I don't think someone should expect someone to do things that make them extremely uncomfortable. For example, if someone were tied up and abused at some point in their life, then playing around with handcuffs probably wouldn't be something they would want, and it would be totally understandable. But I think people should make a reasonable effort to please their spouse if they really love them.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

That's the beauty of this simple plan. A guy who put his wife's needs first wouldn't tie her up if he knew it made her extremely uncomfortable. The woman, putting her man's needs first, wouldn't be primarily focused on her own comfort. The result would be a loving compromise and both would win.


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## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

In a great relationship I think the giving would be done by both partners, and often. In my marriage I'm the "giver". What I call the "giver" is the person who gives what the other needs. In my case, I give my wife the compliments, the ILYs and do the little things that she needs to feel loved. I know what makes her tick and I provide it even though I don't understand it.

She gives me what SHE wants. I've explained to her that doing things for me and wanting to do things for me no only doesn't make me feel loved, it can actually piss me off at times. A constant stream of "can I get this for you, can I do that for you, what do you need" becomes irritating. I tell her that. She hears, but doesn't listen.

She gives me exactly as much physical touch (which she translates ONLY as sex) as she thinks she needs to, to shut me up. She doesn't think it is important because she doesn't value that type of "love". To her it is just sex and just about anything is more important that that.

And it is, but only to her. For me, I could care less if she ever says "I love you" to me. I will know she loves my by her willingness to show me physical intimacy. Just as I know she doesn't feel loved with sex but with things like:

"I love you."
"Dinner was excellent."
"Thank you for making dinner tonight."
"Thank you for getting me a drink"
"Can I get you something?"

Etc. What I am being forced to do, and mind you I don't like it one bit, is to stop doing things for her, and stop saying I love you.

I will tell you, she is nothing and I'm being tested. This morning she was sitting at her computer desk and asked me as I was walking past if I would put the cable bill with the other bills (About 2 feet from where she was sitting). Normally, I would just grab them and drop them on my way by.

This morning I just smiled at her and said, "You are a funny one!" and kept on going.

I'm tired of going balls to the wall to meet her needs while I sit here having mine met once every few months. For the first time in 14 years I'm not meeting her needs and I can see the emotions play in her. From anger sometimes, to fear others, to indifference sometimes as well. If nothing else it will be an interesting ride.

To sum it up, if both people don't unselfishly give in to their partners needs it will not be a happy marriage for at least one of them. I personally believe that if both partners give in to their partners needs unselfishly that any married couple can have a happy, fulfilling marriage.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

boogsie, i think you are on the right track. sad it has to get to this though. what you (and I) are basically doing is changing our approach to coerce our wives to be more intimate due to their change in desire and libido


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