# lost, broken, confused -- husband left 38 days ago



## ejames (Jan 18, 2015)

In December my husband left. We went to a marriage counselor because he wanted to "make us better." To him, that meant leaving. He told me in the appointment that he was leaving. I cried and cried and begged him to stay. I begged for a chance to make things better. I begged for him to go to counseling with me and work on us. He said no....

At the time it felt like it was out of nowhere but looking back, I knew that we were having problems. I remember sitting in the car the weekend before blasting a very sad song that I love, screaming the words and crying my eyes out. My husband is in school (at 30, a late student) and he had a stressful semester. He was starting to have depression issues. He was drinking a lot and I was dealing with my own stuff -- I did not grow up with my father. He left when I was 5 and never looked back. 27 years later, he's back and trying to be a father again... and it's hard as hell to figure out how to act. Often my father will say or do things and I had no idea how to react to it. I was scared to tell him what I was thinking or feeling because I was scared that he would leave again. I would hold anger in and eventually, when it all boiled over, it was usually came out at my husband. I really don't think that it was that bad but he was dealing already down, so he felt like I was pushing him even farther. And his drinking was so out of control that I was honestly scared at some points that he might die from it. Everything was falling apart, I just didn't realize it.

All of those things were bad and probably contributed to the main problem.... we stopped talking to each other. We would say "have a good day" and I would ask what he wanted for dinner, stuff like that, but for months we didn't communicate at all. Honestly, I cannot remember the last time we had a real talk before he left.

So, he left. He's been gone 38 days. For the first few weeks we were talking (really communicating with each other), hanging out, having fun, smiling, laughing, being intimate.... I thought that we were headed in the right direction to get back together but he pulled the break. We would take 2 steps forward and then 10 steps back. Finally he told me that he was not ready for it. He told me that we were moving too fast. He told me that he was confused by all of the old feelings and the all of the new feelings and all of the feelings coming from the intimacy and he couldn't sort them out while we were spending time together.

I asked him if we could date again. I asked him if we could try to start over, put all of the baggage away, stop using the past against each other, and try to get back to the happy relationship that we used to have.... not that long ago.... He agreed but told me that we had to get a separation agreement drafted and signed and we had to go a month with little to no contact. We have no kids, just an adorable fur baby, so no reason really for him to stop by, unless he needs something he didn't take with him. 

We've seen each other twice (once to see a lawyer and once to talk about our individual counseling) and texted twice since the month started. I've got 14 more days before our "first" date. 

We've been together 9 years, 2 days after he left was actually our "dating" anniversary. We've been married 4.5 years. Every day that I'm not allowed to talk to him is such a struggle.

I'm trying to stay strong but this is insanely hard. He keeps saying "I don't love you anymore" and " we have nothing in common." I think that actions speak louder than words and his actions are mostly showing that he loves me. Maybe I'm wrong. I just don't know.

We've agreed to date for 6 weeks but he's made it very clear that it is not his preference. He would much rather just go through with the divorce and get on with his life. He's told me that the only reason that he's agreed to date me is because he cares about me so much. I guess that means something, right? 

I'm just so confused at how we got here. We are 2 people who loved each other so ridiculously much. He was so happy on our wedding day, he was almost crying....and he never cries, ever. Neither of us believe in divorce. 

I'm lost....


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Affair?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Assuming there's no affair...

Have you considered individual counseling for yourself, to make sure that your side of the relationship is cleaned up? If there were things he needed you to work on, and he sees you're actively trying to work on them, it may give him pause to reconsider.

Having said that... Sounds like he's got things to work on as well. And I'd guess that the only reason he's promised to "date" is because he feels guilty for ending the marriage. You say that neither of you believes in divorce, but apparently he does...

C


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## SpunkySpunky (Dec 17, 2012)

First of all, I am so sorry. I was in your shoes a couple of years ago...my husband left me too. I know how you are feeling.


Second, I will ask the above question also, is there any reason to suspect an affair? It would make sense.


Third, you should never beg. It is not becoming and it probably made you look weak and unappealing to him. I begged my husband and I feel like a weak little girl and regret it now. It makes you reek of desperation and it's not attractive. Plus, you are worth just as much or even more than he and and you shouldn't have to beg.

Don't be intimate with him right now. If he is having an affair, which I suspect(sorry), being intimate with him is just letting him have his cake and eat it too. I also suggest not putting up with an affair(if this is to be true).

I suggest to try to exercise, find some new hobbies, and get a life of your own separately from him. Not only will it make you a more well rounded, attractive, and interesting person, it will prepare you to move on without him as well in the event he will not come back. I also highly recommend individual counseling. 180 like hell.

Plus it will make you a little less stressed/depressed.

Maybe he isn't having an affair, maybe he is just going through some mental stuff right now and he is in a fog from other things...if that is the case...well, it all depends on how long you can put up with this yoyo rollercoaster of emotions.




I really wish I could help you better ,and I encourage you to keep posting it will help keep you sane. And we are all here to help. Welcome to the forum.


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## ejames (Jan 18, 2015)

No physical affair.... but he was/is having what might be considered an emotional affair. 

I'm such a mess. I really am. Today is his birthday and I'm losing my mind. All I want to do it pamper him. Give him lots of gifts. Give him lots of love. Make him a delicious dinner and a yummy yummy cake. Today is going to be hard for me.

He and I are both in individual counseling. He won't agree to couples counseling yet. I'm hoping that maybe while we are dating, he might agree to go. My counselor does couples counseling and told me to bring him if he's willing. Also, we could go back to the other one that we've seen before. 

Other than the mess with him, I'm really happy. I've "fixed" a lot of the problems in my head. I'm trying to clear out all of the clutter of all of the stuff that I never properly dealt with in the past. I'm doing really good. I'm smiling on my own. I'm laughing. I'm trying to have a good life. I'm getting things done. I'm keeping myself busy as much as I can so that I don't have time to think about this. 

I have to get through this, one way or another. I will be fine. I know I will be fine but this is so insanely hard.

All I want is for him to come home and I know that that may never happen. I'm a mess.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

How do you know it's not physical? It very likely is and he's testing those waters before he decides if you're a better deal. Sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ejames (Jan 18, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> How do you know it's not physical? It very likely is and he's testing those waters before he decides if you're a better deal. Sorry.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I guess I know it's not physical because he told me. Maybe he's lying. It's with my ex-best friend.... It's a mess.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

I would not take his word for it, but really, to me at least, an emotional affair can be as hurtful as a physical one...maybe more so. And knowing the person only makes it more of a betrayal.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ejames said:


> I guess I know it's not physical because he told me. Maybe he's lying. It's with my ex-best friend.... It's a mess.


People lie about it all the time because they don't want to look like dirtbags.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Honey, he is most likely in an affair. Since you are not living with him, it will be difficult for you to investigate to confirm an affair. Your best bet would be to hire a private investigator. I know it's expensive, but it will be money well spent. Your marriage can never be repaired as long as there are 3 people in it. Is this ex-friend of yours married? 

If you can't afford a private investigator, could you get one of your friends to stake out his apartment/house? 

I'm so sorry.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Why is it necessary to catch his cheating? Is it required for a divorce in your state or country? Just wondering. Or is it because you want him back?


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## ejames (Jan 18, 2015)

karole said:


> Honey, he is most likely in an affair. Since you are not living with him, it will be difficult for you to investigate to confirm an affair. Your best bet would be to hire a private investigator. I know it's expensive, but it will be money well spent. Your marriage can never be repaired as long as there are 3 people in it. Is this ex-friend of yours married?
> 
> If you can't afford a private investigator, could you get one of your friends to stake out his apartment/house?
> 
> I'm so sorry.



My ex-friend is not married. I agree about not being able to repair a marriage with 3 people in it. She actually removed herself from our lives on Thursday night. She decided that she couldn't be friends with both of us. She decided that she couldn't be in the middle anymore. He is very hurt but I think that it's really going to help us out. 

I can't afford a private investigator. We can barely afford the bills for 2 places. Really, we can't afford them but we're making it work. 




Jane139 said:


> Why is it necessary to catch his cheating? Is it required for a divorce in your state or country? Just wondering. Or is it because you want him back?



I don't think that it's important to catch him cheating, if he is. It is not necessary in my state. It would potentially help if he and I were fighting over stuff in the divorce but we aren't. I could maybe get spousal support but he's currently in school, so that wouldn't really work.

All I want is for us to work this out. All I want is for us to make things work. I think that we can, if he actually lets us try.

I love him so much.


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