# Enforce a boundary I set or give another chance?



## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

I know I'm not so good with setting boundaries and sticking to them, so I thought I would ask you guys. Last year I caught my H smoking pot in the garage. I've told him before that I can't stop him from doing it but I don't want it around anywhere that our son could be exposed to it. That time, me and my son had come back from a bicycle ride and went to put the bikes away in the garage and there he was smoking that. Fortunately DS didn't notice anything but I was still mad. I told H at that time that I didn't want to have to worry about me or my son going into the garage and finding that again and told him if it happened again, we would be done. Well, caught him again last night - DS and I were going to play some catch and couldn't remember where we left the baseball gloves, so I sent him to look on the front porch and I went to look in the garage. And there's H sitting in his car smoking pot - he jumped and got that panicked look and put it away real fast. I haven't said anything about it yet, need some time to think about it. So should I tell him I know what he was doing and it better not happen again, or stick to what I said the last time and just tell him we're done and its over?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I think it would be completely insane to leave your husband for such a little thing.

Refer to my reply in your last thread for my advice... 

Quick question - do you have your eyes on another man or have been thinking about perusing other relationships? It almost seems like you are looking for reasons to end this relationship (I could be wrong, just the feeling I'm getting).


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I don't quite agree with smoking weed around kids in places where it's not legal. But, for this boundary, you have to realize that the person smoking is at his own home. So, probably you need to be specific about where he can expect privacy, obviously it's not in all locations at his home. You guys need to agree on a 'spot' where he can indulge in his own habit while still respecting your boundary. Does he have a shed or something out back he can call his own? Or can you maybe set something up?

I think it's a good boundary, but it's not quite reasonable because there is no location agreed on. It seems he has tried to stay out of the way, but this is not working for him.

If you can't agree on a specific place, it's going to cause a lot of anxiety for both of you, because of the randomness of 'being caught' and 'having boundary violated.'


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## WaitForIt... (Jan 20, 2013)

Neither. Next time, get in the car with him and hit it a few times. Then, go in the house and wash your hands and use a spritz of body spray. After that, go have a great time playing catch with your DS. 

According to your post, you did not imply or specify that if he was caught again you would leave. Therefore, it would be wrong to leave him over that until you have expressed it as a firm boundary.

How old is your son and is your marriage lacking fun?

This could be an open door to a renewing of your intimate relationship with your husband. And by intimate, I mean in every way. It will bring back a spark And you will have fun together. Not to mention the fun you will have with your son.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

From your last post you set a firm boundary. He falsely agreed and repeated the action. How many times so you let him slide? 

You have a right to feel the way you do about smoking pot in your home and wanting a drug free environment for your child. 

If you decide to let your H do this I suggest you go to counseling to see if there is a way to get past the resentment.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

Actually I did tell him last time that if I caught him doing it again in a place where our son might be able to catch him that we would be through. This has been a recurring issue, and I have made it quite clear several times in the past that kids and illegal drugs don't mix and that I was not going to tolerate this. Personally, I have no problem with pot other than the fact it is illegal, and I have had several family members and friends who have had their children taken away due to drug use. To me, nothing is more important than my son. 

As far as having a place to go to smoke and have privacy, I told him that he can go for a drive or a walk somewhere if he wants to do that, but not in our house or garage. 

And to DoF, I'm not looking for another relationship, I have had lots of issues in this one which you can see if you read some of my other threads, and I am looking for advice so I can try to do the right thing. I basically function as a single mom in this family, and this is just one more issue. I only want to do the right thing for my son and no, if I do end up single I don't intend to get into another relationship and I am not interested in anyone else.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

Mace, your views on pot smoking are very similar to mine. Do some soul searching and figure out if you can fully accept the fact that your husband does this or not. If you cannot honestly accept it . Leave chalk it up to being incompatible.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

I guess you guys are probably right, lots of people smoke pot and its not a big deal. I should probably stop being a b**ch about it and just let it go and let him have his fun.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

mace17 said:


> As far as having a place to go to smoke and have privacy, I told him that *he can go for a drive* or a *walk somewhere* if he wants to do that, but not in our house or garage.


Ok, so rather than doing it safely and privately in his OWN home, you are suggesting he go get stoned and then *drive around?!?!* Are you serious? Great, get high as a kite and go driving.

Or go for a walk and smoke it somewhere in public where he might be seen, reported and arrested?

I think your last post makes the most sense. Stop being so uptight about it. Give him a little leeway with this. Stop going in the garage with your son when you know he's out there.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'm thinking maybe next time marry a man with the same anti-weed views as your own. It's ok to not be ok with weed but it's kinda odd to marry a smoker and expect to be able to restrict his smoking habits. 

Judging by your other threads though,weed is the smallest of your marital issues.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> Ok, so rather than doing it safely and privately in his OWN home, you are suggesting he go get stoned and then *drive around?!?!* Are you serious? Great, get high as a kite and go driving.
> 
> Or go for a walk and smoke it somewhere in public where he might be seen, reported and arrested?
> 
> I think your last post makes the most sense. Stop being so uptight about it. Give him a little leeway with this. Stop going in the garage with your son when you know he's out there.


The problem with the garage is that both times I didn't know he was there. If I had known, I wouldn't have walked in.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

coffee4me said:


> Mace, your views on pot smoking are very similar to mine. Do some soul searching and figure out if you can fully accept the fact that your husband does this or not. If you cannot honestly accept it . Leave chalk it up to being incompatible.


I can accept that he does it, I just don't want it around our home if that makes sense. I guess I just have to get over it and accept it, I'm sure our son will be exposed to it someday anyway.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you tried talking to him, explaining your concerns, and then asking him for suggestions on how you both can deal with the issues? You might get better results if he is part of the solution, instead of mandating your requirements. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

mace17 said:


> I guess you guys are probably right, lots of people smoke pot and its not a big deal. I should probably stop being a b**ch about it and just let it go and let him have his fun.


Judging from your other post it's a big deal to YOU. If you decide to let this go maybe you should go to counseling and see if there is a way to help you with the resentment. 

For myself there is no way I could accept , no amount of counseling is going to make me change my view. I don't care how others live their life everyone is entitled to their lifestyle.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

mace17 said:


> The problem with the garage is that both times I didn't know he was there. If I had known, I wouldn't have walked in.


Can you tell him to just let you know when he's in there then? Or make a little sign on the door  Might be an easier boundary to keep.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

PBear said:


> Have you tried talking to him, explaining your concerns, and then asking him for suggestions on how you both can deal with the issues? You might get better results if he is part of the solution, instead of mandating your requirements.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Boundaries can be thought of as the fence to your yard, or the walls to your home- you build them, you place them according to YOU. So your boundary should be set to include the things that you want in your life, and to exclude the things that you don't. It's a personal thing, your boundaries are your own.

I have a similar boundary as you do with pot. I don't have an issue with recreational use. However, it's illegal and I don't want it in my house. I also would not stay with a regular user. It's just my preference.

My DH likes to use it recreationally, maybe a few years time each year. Our agreement is that he won't purchase or accept more than a 1-time use; in other words, he doesn't keep it on our property (home, yard, car, etc.) He gets it and uses it at the time, and he doesn't smoke it around our child. 

Usually what happens is that he buys some and smokes it outside on the patio (we live in the woods) or, in the winter, in the garage. If our little one is with a grandparent or relative, I might even join him.

However, we came to this agreement together. When I say this, I mean that I expressed my boundary that I didn't want to keep illegal substances in my home or on my property, and I didn't want smoking of any type around my child. My husband and I worked out our agreements to maintain that boundary. I can accept him purchasing or receiving a small amount and keeping it in a safe place for a very short duration- basically from the time that he gets it until the time that he smokes it. That allows him to enjoy his thing. I would not be comfortable with him buying more than a 1-time (maybe, at most, 2-time) amount. I would not be comfortable with him keeping a small stash, in the same way one might keep a bottle of good scotch, broken out only on certain occasions. I would not be comfortable because it's illegal. If it becomes legal in my state, I would feel OK him keeping a small amount in a stash, as long as his usage didn't dramatically increase. 

BTW my husband has his own boundary about smoking cigarettes. His is much harsher- he says he will divorce me if I pick up smoking again. I don't really know if he would, but I am not about to test it! (Also, I really don't ever want to pick up another cigarette again, ever! I am terrible cigarette addict.)

My recommendation to you is to sit down with your husband and try to come to an agreement so that your boundaries are maintained and respected, and he also gets to enjoy his recreation. I would work with him to be specific- he can only smoke after the child is asleep, or in a location where your son never goes.

Your husband wasn't smoking it around your child, or when you and the child were in the house, so I would say he was attempting to respect your boundary. Get clearer/more specific with your agreements and work together and might find a win-win for you both.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

mace17 said:


> I guess you guys are probably right, lots of people smoke pot and its not a big deal. I should probably stop being a b**ch about it and just let it go and let him have his fun.


Personally, I agree

If smoke/smell is an issue, buy him a vaporizer. It's less harmful to his lungs and WAY less smell (but still should be done outside of home or with proper ventilation).

Weed = no different than alcohol, heck, less harmful in general.

As long as it has no direct effect on your relationship. I wouldn't worry about it, if it does, you have a problem and you should deal with it!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

RoseAglow said:


> BTW my husband has his own boundary about smoking cigarettes. His is much harsher- he says he will divorce me if I pick up smoking again. I don't really know if he would, but I am not about to test it! (Also, I really don't ever want to pick up another cigarette again, ever! I am terrible cigarette addict.)


yep, same here, by far the worst addiction in my life (quit year 2000)

Weed, I vaporize ONLY on regular basis (usually weekends, sometimes even during the week).

I enjoy it, it relaxes me and also helps with my chronic disease.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

The thing is this is something we talked about and discussed when our son was born. At the time the agreement was that it was not allowed in the house and the garage was fine as long as it was after all kids were in bed. This agreement has been violated repeatedly, and we have had numerous discussions about it with him usually first trying to deny that he was smoking at all and then finally admitting it and apologizing and promising to stick to the agreement. That's why the last time I didn't even discuss it, just said I know what you were doing, our son was right there too which is not acceptable, and if it happens again our marriage is over. I caught him one other time between then and now, but it was just me and no kids around and I did not say anything. Last night just made me mad because I had no warning, didn't even know he was out there, and I could have easily sent my son to look in the garage instead of on the porch. I guess I could make the garage off limits for my son, but why should I have to do that?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

mace17 said:


> And to DoF, I'm not looking for another relationship, I have had lots of issues in this one which you can see if you read some of my other threads, and I am looking for advice so I can try to do the right thing. *I basically function as a single mom in this family*, and this is just one more issue. I only want to do the right thing for my son and no, if I do end up single I don't intend to get into another relationship and I am not interested in anyone else.


This is an issue, HUGE one.

And I'm not sure if his weed usage relates to this or not, but if you are married and have a husband you shouldn't feel like a single mom.

PS. I know TONS of dead beat weed users that allow it to really effect their life aka "pot heads" or whatever you want to call them.

I also know plenty of responsible ones (I am one as well).

I think it has more to do with the PERSON than actual use, but what do I know.

I can never see myself not be a part of my kids life, but I see plenty of people that NEVER want to see their kids (so maybe its just a person thing).

You have to figure it out, but no, you shouldn't feel like a single mom while married. Regardless if the child is not his....


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

mace17 said:


> The thing is this is something we talked about and discussed when our son was born. At the time the agreement was that it was not allowed in the house and the garage was fine as long as it was after all kids were in bed. This agreement has been violated repeatedly, and we have had numerous discussions about it with him usually first trying to deny that he was smoking at all and then finally admitting it and apologizing and promising to stick to the agreement. That's why the last time I didn't even discuss it, just said I know what you were doing, our son was right there too which is not acceptable, and if it happens again our marriage is over. I caught him one other time between then and now, but it was just me and no kids around and I did not say anything. Last night just made me mad because I had no warning, didn't even know he was out there, and I could have easily sent my son to look in the garage instead of on the porch. I guess I could make the garage off limits for my son, but why should I have to do that?


To be honest with you, if you have an attached garage I wouldn't even recommend that. Smoke travels FAR (back when I used to smoke it, my neighbors down the street would smell it.....like 100 feet away.....in OPEN AIR).

One of the reasons I vape now (amongst MANY others).

Also has to do with what kind of weed he smokes, but strong stuff.....NO, outside ONLY.

I mean heck, not a big deal if a kid gets a wif or even feels funny, but by accident only and RARELY. Not on regular basis, that would be wrong.

No different than letting you kid get a sip of beer, no big deal and once a year or so only.....

So I think if you just approach it differently and say "honey, I think it's ok if you smoke here and there, but please PLEASE do not smoke in the garage as I'm afraid kids will smell it and feel it. 

I think with your acceptance of him doing it, he will meet that requirement or at least try to be more considerate.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

mace17 said:


> The problem with the garage is that both times I didn't know he was there. If I had known, I wouldn't have walked in.


So this spot doesn't work. He needs his own private spot, and you could be supportive in giving it to him. A shed works nicely, or a man cave of some sort.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

DoF said:


> To be honest with you, if you have an attached garage I wouldn't even recommend that. Smoke travels FAR (back when I used to smoke it, my neighbors down the street would smell it.....like 100 feet away.....in OPEN AIR).
> 
> One of the reasons I vape now (amongst MANY others).
> 
> ...


Originally we had agreed years ago that the garage was fine as long as all the kids were in bed so that way none of them would accidentally go in the garage at a bad time. He hasn't been able to stick to this however.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

mace17 said:


> I know I'm not so good with setting boundaries and sticking to them





mace17 said:


> This agreement has been violated repeatedly
> not acceptable, and if it happens again our marriage is over.
> 
> I caught him one other time
> ...


There is not really a boundary here. Can you call it boundary when you say it, he agrees, he does it anyway and you let it go? 

He does it you get mad, you resent him... Rinse, repeat.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> So this spot doesn't work. He needs his own private spot, and you could be supportive in giving it to him. A shed works nicely, or a man cave of some sort.


Anything within the same structure as living quarters = smell EVERYWHERE

Shed or outside only IMO.

Also, anything inside will smell REALLY bad and will stick (again, if he smokes good stuff).

Heck I have to wrap my weed in like 3-4 ziplocks and vape in 2-3 garbage bags. if not, ENTIRE House would smell like it.

Smoking it, forget it


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I must have excellent ventilation and filters going on in my house. DH can have all 3 of his heaviest pot smoking boys over..puff down on some girlscoutcookie and white widow all night Friday night and the smell is gone by Saturday afternoon.

ETA on another topic,it's so funny when people come to my house and then later find out DH puffs down regularly and I puff down when my ibs flares. They're all "holy balls but your house is BEAUTIFUL!" ROFL yes,bc weed smokers have to live in a skunky hippie den


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I must have excellent ventilation and filters going on in my house. DH can have all 3 of his heaviest pot smoking boys over..puff down on some girlscoutcookie and white widow all night Friday night and the smell is gone by Saturday afternoon.
> 
> ETA on another topic,it's so funny when people come to my house and then later find out DH puffs down regularly and I puff down when my ibs flares. They're all "holy balls but your house is BEAUTIFUL!" ROFL yes,bc weed smokers have to live in a skunky hippie den


Ahhh, can't wait till the kids move out. 

Still vaping though, I can't smoke it anymore.

You find it helpful with IBS? My wife has it but hasn't really noticed it helping.

I have IBD.....


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If you could curtail his usage to the garage only, a simple 'Occupied' sign hung on the door knob would warn you. You could tell your son that the sign meant daddy was doing some deep thinking and don't disturb him.

The fact that he refuses to only toke in the garage is another kettle of fish. He's acting like a child resisting authority. Does he even realize he has a son? What father sits & tokes while his wife has to play ball with the kid?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> He's acting like a child resisting authority.


Authority? NO

I hope it hasn't reached that point in OP's marriage. The day my wife acts like some kind of authority is the day I'm no longer married.



Blondilocks said:


> Does he even realize he has a son?


Well, this is where my concern is too. OP clearly stated that she feels like a single mom.

This is a huge issue IMO and I have no idea if weed plays part or he is just a crappy husband. Regardless she shouldn't feel this way and this should be her primary issue.



Blondilocks said:


> What father sits & tokes while his wife has to play ball with the kid?


Well, for whatever it's worth. I do this sometimes, but when I'm done I get out there and do things with my kids/family and enjoy it THAT much more.

There are times when I just don't feel like playing with kids etc, toke up a bit and man, I'm like a adult child......out there with them having a ball.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

I find the comments on this thread really interesting. The majority seem to adopt the stance that smoking pot is no big deal. The logic seems to be

Mace sets boundary- no dope smoking.
Macehubby- smokes dope.
Recommended outcome- get over it.

And yet.....

Spouse sets boundary- no rubbing genitals on other people
Other spouse- rubs genitals
Recommended outcome- divorce, exposure, biblical punishments

Mace, there are quite a few good men out there in the world. And then there are men who ingest illegal drugs. Or, for that matter, they over-ingest legal ones like alcohol. These men usually have a boatload of other bad habits and behaviors that go along with their drug use.

And of course, women who abuse drugs usually aren't keepers, either.

Another poster commented that your husband smoking dope is a smaller problem in your marriage from other threads you've authored. If that is true, you should dump this guy as fast as you can.

The fact that you would rather create a thread to get strangers' opinions on whether you should dump him or not indicates to me that you're not going to.

Years from now, when your son gets arrested for smoking dope like he learned from daddy, I bet you'll wish you had.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

NotLikeYou said:


> Mace sets boundary- no dope smoking.
> Macehubby- smokes dope.
> Recommended outcome- get over it.
> 
> ...


Apples and Oranges here

One, has very little to no effect on relationship based on what OP has said.

The other is cheating and has 0 relation to this thread or subject at hand.

Illegal/legal means NOTHING. 

Synthetic Heroin is legal, is that right? Alcohol is legal........crappy food is legal.......bribery aka lobbying is legal........

Legal doesn't mean something is right or wrong, sorry.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

NotLikeYou said:


> Years from now, when your son gets arrested for smoking dope like he learned from daddy, I bet you'll wish you had.


That's the part that bothers me, he has a daughter from his previous marriage and she grew up with him smoking dope all the time around her since his ex apparently had no problem with it. When she was 15, I caught her smoking dope in our house - I told her in no uncertain terms that I am not her parent and I'm not going to tell her she can't smoke dope, but that NOBODY smokes ANYTHING in our house and that it will not be tolerated. She continued to party and smoke and drink (just not in our house) until she got pregnant at 16. I don't want my son to end up like that.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

mace17 said:


> The problem with the garage is that both times I didn't know he was there. If I had known, I wouldn't have walked in.


Doesn't the door have a lock? Tell him to use it.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

DoF said:


> One, has very little to no effect on relationship based on what OP has said.
> 
> .


Based on what she said here. In her original post she said that it makes her feel like he chooses the weed over her and she holds a lot of resentment toward him over it. 

You read the original post and had a long reply about how she should just get over it even thou she said it affects her feelings toward her husband. 

Do you have a suggestion about how she should just get over it?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The other thing I'll add is not to put out boundaries that you're not willing to enforce. Your husband is behaving as a child. And as someone who became the defacto disciplinarian in our marriage, I can tell you that kids NEED to know what their boundaries are, and that they'll be enforced. If not, they keep pushing and pushing to find the limits. Or, if they achieve whatever goal they had in mind, they know they can continue to do those things because you're not willing to enforce your boundary anyway. So basically, your "boundary" ceases to exist, and in fact, it makes you look weak and ineffectual, and your subsequent "boundaries" will be ignored that much quicker.

C


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

coffee4me said:


> Based on what she said here. In her original post she said that it makes her feel like he chooses the weed over her and she holds a lot of resentment toward him over it.
> 
> You read the original post and had a long reply about how she should just get over it even thou she said it affects her feelings toward her husband.
> 
> Do you have a suggestion about how she should just get over it?


When she said weed over her, I didn't get the impression that she gets ignored/effected in the process directly tied to weed.

I've asked if his usage has a direct effect on their relationship, but didn't get a direct reply.

He plays video games and watches TV, many guys do that without smoking weed.

I'm just saying that she should be addressing "lack of involvement/time spent together" issue OR "not being a good father" from PERSON perspective, not "stop smoking weed perspective". 

If there is a direct link between the 2, by all means address the weed issue. I just don't think it relates at this time.

He can simply be a crappy person (surely seems like it).

Don't tell him what to do, just focus on what the primary issue is and if there is a direct link to weed, address it as well.

But just not by "telling him what to do", nobody likes that. She has to find a better way. Clearly, it hasn't worked.

IMO OP has much deeper issues LONG before weed came into play. She married a person that wants 0 involvement with his family.

This is MUCH deeper than weed......trust me on that. Can it be weed? Sure, but I have a feeling even without it he would still be the same old crappy person.

Smoking weed WITH 15 year old daughter is a good indicator of that. I mean heck, I considered letting my daughter try it, but TRY ONLY ONCE and haven't actually done it or will either, maybe few more years. 

Doing on on daily basis etc, no way in HELL. That's rather extreme...and sign of a messed up being. Not a pot head result.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

PBear said:


> The other thing I'll add is not to put out boundaries that you're not willing to enforce. Your husband is behaving as a child. And as someone who became the defacto disciplinarian in our marriage, I can tell you that kids NEED to know what their boundaries are, and that they'll be enforced. If not, they keep pushing and pushing to find the limits. Or, if they achieve whatever goal they had in mind, they know they can continue to do those things because you're not willing to enforce your boundary anyway. So basically, your "boundary" ceases to exist, and in fact, it makes you look weak and ineffectual, and your subsequent "boundaries" will be ignored that much quicker.
> 
> C


PBear, that was pretty much the point of my post. We have discussed this, come to agreements on it, but it never was followed. The last time I caught him, I actually set a boundary and said we were done if it happened again. But I'm pretty sure he didn't really think I was serious, which is why I am wondering if at this point I say hey guess what, I really meant it so get out. Or if I say remember what I said last time....I was actually serious and still am so this is your final warning.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

mace17 said:


> PBear, that was pretty much the point of my post. We have discussed this, come to agreements on it, but it never was followed. The last time I caught him, I actually set a boundary and said we were done if it happened again. But I'm pretty sure he didn't really think I was serious, which is why I am wondering if at this point I say hey guess what, I really meant it so get out. Or if I say remember what I said last time....I was actually serious and still am so this is your final warning.


But you told him already that if you found him smoking that was it, you were done. Now you want to give him a final warning? 

You will find him smoking again after the final warning because why should he believe you?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thoughts... Make your stand, if it's truly important to you. Everyone has their values, and I can't tell you what your's should be. But if you keep giving him "final warnings", you'll just get more and more disrespected. 

Personally, I couldn't care much less about pot smoking. It's on the same level as alcohol and cigarettes. But if my SO started smoking (for example), there would be a boundary laid out PDQ, and you can bet it would be enforced. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

mace17 said:


> PBear, that was pretty much the point of my post. We have discussed this, come to agreements on it, but it never was followed. The last time I caught him, I actually set a boundary and said we were done if it happened again. But I'm pretty sure he didn't really think I was serious, which is why I am wondering if at this point I say hey guess what, I really meant it so get out. Or if I say remember what I said last time....I was actually serious and still am so this is your final warning.


I will stick to what I said.

Forget about weed and just tell him you are fine with it but he HAS to keep it outside (or whatever you want).

Follow up with your issues with him not spending enough time with your and a child. This is your primary issue.

Tell him if this doesn't change, you are done.

Follow through.....

Why would you want to be in a relationship and still feel like you have no companionship or like a single mother. That's no relationship, sorry.

PS. I also agree with what others have said about sticking to your boundaries. No empty threats, those are worthless.

Again, I just think your threats are coming from the wrong direction (weed).


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

At this point you've given him absolutely no reason to believe that you actually mean "final warning" OR "get out". No boundaries seem to have been enforced with him about money, sex, parenting, pets or anything else. Really, unless you have his bags packed on the porch and a divorce petition in hand, then he's going to weather your outburst and keep on doing exactly what he feels like doing.

I have no idea whether this is the hill to die on for you, but if it is you're going to have to make it an all out war. He simply isn't going to believe anything less. If you aren't prepared to do that, then you might as well just vent here and keep on as you have been.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

DoF said:


> I will stick to what I said.
> 
> Forget about weed and just tell him you are fine with it but he HAS to keep it outside (or whatever you want).
> 
> ...


Maybe I'm a wimp, but this is an easier boundary to enforce, seems more black-and-white somehow. Spending more time, contributing to son's expenses, somehow are more difficult. When I was working 2 jobs, he spent a lot of time with our son. Not by choice and not doing much more than actually being there physically, but he actually spent more time with him than I did. So that's kind of a hard one to put a boundary on. As far as contributing financially, once in awhile when I say something he will throw a couple hundred bucks my way, and then think he's done good. How much is enough?


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

I really appreciate all the comments, guess I just needed to validate that I wasn't just being petty about it and overreacting. I know not everybody agrees with my thinking, but to me it is a valid boundary and I need to stick with it.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

mace17 said:


> How much is enough?


50/50

He covers 50 % of all living expenses and you do as well. If he isn't, it's called Financial negligence on his part....and he is using you.

Unless, he has kids to watch, is cooking....cleaning etc (which I have a feeling he does very little of).

I don't recall reading any of your previous threads but the more you tell us the more it sounds like you have one ****ty man.

But the only thing I will tell you is that he will be as ****ty as you allow him to be.

So he lives in your house and doesn't contribute? That's not even a room mate status, we are talking complete mooching.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

DoF said:


> 50/50
> 
> He covers 50 % of all living expenses and you do as well. If he isn't, it's called Financial negligence on his part....and he is using you.
> 
> ...


In all fairness, he does help with living expenses. The amount he pays is somewhat less than mine, but not so bad. The real issues is that any expenses relating to our son - doctor bills, school fees, clothes, sports, daycare, etc. - he does not help with. I have tried to get him to but he just won't. This makes the total amount of stuff I pay for a lot higher. But just to be clear, he does help out with some of the living expenses. He pays the house payment and our car insurance.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

This is about illegal drugs inside of a house with a child...

this would be non negotiable to me...

If it were my spouse who chose to do it again, it would have been clear that cops would have been called AND divorce. It shouldn't be on the property OR in a vehicle.

I would not be willing to risk being arrested and losing my child to the actions of my spouse. Not sure how that runs in other states but in this one.... ALL go down.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

DoF said:


> Anything within the same structure as living quarters = smell EVERYWHERE
> 
> Shed or outside only IMO.
> 
> ...


That's why I suggested a shed. 
Plus, somewhere OP does not go. 
So if it comes down to it, she has not been anywhere near the stuff, as there could be issues with having kid removed if the dad is busted. 
You'd think given her worries, the H/dad would take the time and make the effort to keep her removed from the illegal activity. This isn't happening, but then again not everyone who smokes weed can retain their ability to think strategically, when it comes to others. Mostly they just want what they want, and once they have it, they want to make sure they still have it. Other's needs become secondary. Dated someone who smoked recreationally, his sense of time and other people's needs and schedules, etc. were diminished. Seemed to correlate with amount that he was smoking, along with his housekeeping abilities and other stuff.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

mace17 said:


> In all fairness, he does help with living expenses. The amount he pays is somewhat less than mine, but not so bad. The real issues is that any expenses relating to our son - doctor bills, school fees, clothes, sports, daycare, etc. - he does not help with. I have tried to get him to but he just won't. This makes the total amount of stuff I pay for a lot higher. But just to be clear, he does help out with some of the living expenses. He pays the house payment and our car insurance.


Balance is still tipped towards you paying more.

Balance it out.

That sounds MUCH better though. You got me scared for a bit (and perhaps I ran with my assumptions) sorry for that.

Add it all up and see what % you guys are at (do some data gathering for few months) and bring it to the table if it's swayed your way too much.

I don't see why he wouldn't pay for anything son related though, that's kind of weird.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

bottom line,weed can be really bad for certain types of people.Ones that let it overtake their entire lives. It sounds like your H is one of those people. 

Sadly,those are the last people who recognize they have issues with their chosen substance. 

Dh likes to toke it before he does yardwork and chores. I'd be on the couch zombiefied with the xbox controller in my hand if I smoked before anything got done for the day. See the difference though? Knowing what you're capable of handling is important.

If his habit is SO important that he can't quit or stop doing it when kids are present he needs to get help.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Confusing to me. Were you aware before you married...? If so, it's not a deal breaker, and therefore unreasonable to threaten him. 

If the garage as agreed is not working out as is, try having him text you he's there and when finished so you both can accommodate your innocent son. 

Get creative and positive about his illegal? habit. Agree protecting child is the priority and work out alternatives supporting that goal.

Geesh...


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> That's why I suggested a shed.
> Plus, somewhere OP does not go.
> So if it comes down to it, she has not been anywhere near the stuff, as there could be issues with having kid removed if the dad is busted.
> You'd think given her worries, the H/dad would take the time and make the effort to keep her removed from the illegal activity. This isn't happening, but then again not everyone who smokes weed can retain their ability to think strategically, when it comes to others. Mostly they just want what they want, and once they have it, they want to make sure they still have it. Other's needs become secondary. Dated someone who smoked recreationally, his sense of time and other people's needs and schedules, etc. were diminished. Seemed to correlate with amount that he was smoking, along with his housekeeping abilities and other stuff.


Can't really disagree with anything you said here.

But I still think it comes down to a person themselves. 

Don't get me wrong, the "pot head" stigma comes from REALITY. I've seen it myself with plenty of people. 

If you remove pot, inconsiderate of others behavior will still be there.

Heck, I have few people in my family that don't drink or do pot or anything.......and they are even more inconsiderate/careless than what you described.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

DoF said:


> Balance is still tipped towards you paying more.
> 
> Balance it out.
> 
> ...


If you do the math and just use monthly bills like electric, cable house, water, car, phone, etc. I pay about 51% while he pays about 49% so that's not too bad, although he does make more than I do. When you add in the kid expenses though, it gets a little more unbalanced. That's why I've been working 2 jobs for while now.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

mace17 said:


> If you do the math and just use monthly bills like electric, cable house, water, car, phone, etc. I pay about 51% while he pays about 49% so that's not too bad, although he does make more than I do. When you add in the kid expenses though, it gets a *little *more unbalanced.


 I will take your word for little and tell you that you have NOTHING to worry about on this end AT ALL.

Focus on time he spends with you (primary issue it seems?). Relationship is ALL about companionship, and seems like you get very little?

Maybe try to get closer to him yourself. Ask him to play the game with him or watch TV with him but in return, ask if he would consider doing things that you enjoy as well (after you take the initiative, not the day off....give it a week or 2).

You have to get creative and meet him half way/compromise yourself. But he should as well. Marriages are also all about compromise as much as they are about companionship.

I think boundary only applies to things that are so severe that relationship cannot recover from and are complete deal breakers.

You might want to rephrase that with him a bit. You really don't want him to get confused and think that this kind of behavior will be acceptable if he was to go off with another woman etc. 

I would think you would probably agree that smoking weed and sleeping with another person are on a whole new level.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

That's weird he doesn't want to help his kid.
But if the kid is older maybe he has an opinion that the kid should have a job and take care of his own expenses.
I know I started working when I was 10 watching other kids and a newspaper delivery route. Then as soon as I was able got a work permit and jobs where I was paid on W-2 so could participate in taxes and Social Security system, etc.

Different people do have different opinions about supporting kids who have reached working age. 

I did not support my son his Sophomore through Senior years of college. However, once he graduated I don't mind gifting him money (he would never ask) or giving him odd jobs. But even when he got support from his dad (or rather, from his dad's employer) I made sure he got a job and didn't have just stuff and spending money from a place where he would feel just entitled to it.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> That's weird he doesn't want to help his kid.
> But if the kid is older maybe he has an opinion that the kid should have a job and take care of his own expenses.
> I know I started working when I was 10 watching other kids and a newspaper delivery route. Then as soon as I was able got a work permit and jobs where I was paid on W-2 so could participate in taxes and Social Security system, etc.
> 
> ...


I do agree with you about kids learning the value of money, however our son is only 8 so not quite working age however I do give him small jobs to do around the house to earn money. Let's just say that I paid the entire hospital bill (what was left after insurance) from when he was born without any assistance, while making about half of what H was at the time.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Yeah, I'd have to guess that things are a good bit more than a "little" unbalanced with you paying half of your joint expenses and all of the child related expenses. I hear kids are pretty expensive. My friend refers to her daughter sometimes as the 2nd house payment, once lessons and day care and school uniforms and all of that are paid for.

Did your husband want to have your son? Or did he make it clear that this would be all on you from the beginning?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why are "kid" expenses separate from the rest of the expenses? It is his son too, right?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wait, so THIS is a bigger issue, a bigger dealbreaker for you than the fact that your husband is a sh!tty enough father to NOT pay for any of his own son's expenses, spend any time with him or help you out in any way with him???? Where are your priorities?? I hope this IS a dealbreaker for you so that you will FINALLY do the right thing and leave him! Even if it isnt for the reason it should be.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

COGypsy said:


> I hear kids are pretty expensive.


Kids are as cheap or as expensive as you want to make it.

In my experience, they are pretty cheap actually. The estimates of "1 million" I've seen are just absurd....

If you spoil them and buy them every little toy....send them to private school......pay their way thru life once 16.....yeah.

I see parents buying 8 year old ipads.....16 year old new cars/paying insurance and EVERYTHING.

It's crazy, then they wonder why the kids won't move a finger and are lazy.......because you didn't teach them to be responsible and work for their own sheeet, that's why.

None of my kids have phones....latest gadgets.......if they want them, they can work for it and by it themselves/pay services etc.

I just don't believe in ANYONE appreciating things that they don't work for and pay for themselves.


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## veryconfuzed (Apr 29, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Wait, so THIS is a bigger issue, a bigger dealbreaker for you than the fact that your husband is a sh!tty enough father to NOT pay for any of his own son's expenses, spend any time with him or help you out in any way with him???? Where are your priorities?? I hope this IS a dealbreaker for you so that you will FINALLY do the right thing and leave him! Even if it isnt for the reason it should be.


I totally concur with this. Why did you choose weed rather than this bigger issuse to set boundaries with him? Doesn't make any sense. 

As for boundaries. When I tell my husband - do this or we are done. He usually does what I want. We almost divorced twice. First time we had pregnancy scare. The condom broke and he just said we are done (WTF, right?). Condom is our only birth control. He did say he does not want kids before we married. I want to have at least one. But, I agreed to what he wants.

So I left, long story short, I told him since he is the one who does not want kids, I told him I will only go back to him if he has vasectomy. And he did. So we are back together.

The 2nd time, I left because I caught him looking at sex ads. I told him it bothered me to the core. That he gets an STD test, or we are done. He did get the test and he is clean thank God!

So we are back together. When I tell him to do those things, I really meant what I said everytime. Especially the STD test, I am deathly afraid of STDs so I am more than ready to walk out of the marriage if he didn't get the test.

I think you should confront him on the bigger issue than weed smoking.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

DoF said:


> Kids are as cheap or as expensive as you want to make it.


As long as my friend can still do our spa week every year, I have zero interest in the expenses or really most things having to do with her kid. I do remember how she was surprised at all the little expenses though, which along with her need for two jobs to support half a house and an entire child, leads me to suspect that OP is minimizing the fiscal imbalances in her marriage.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

veryconfuzed said:


> I totally concur with this. Why did you choose weed rather than this bigger issuse to set boundaries with him? Doesn't make any sense.
> 
> As for boundaries. When I tell my husband - do this or we are done. He usually does what I want. We almost divorced twice. First time we had pregnancy scare. The condom broke and he just said we are done (WTF, right?). Condom is our only birth control. He did say he does not want kids before we married. I want to have at least one. But, I agreed to what he wants.
> 
> ...


Yep, in my house it was out of control anger... so my boundary was seek professional help or risk divorce with me... his choice.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Opinions about pot usage aside, your husband lied to you--repeatedly. Perhaps he even had no intention of adhering to the agreement.

This is your boundary, and you've discussed this boundary with your husband--whether or not others think it's a silly boundary is immaterial. It does affect you and your marriage when he lies and breaks your trust. I think that is what this is about more than the pot usage--you can't trust him and you know it. 

I don't think this is any different than threads where a poster is uncomfortable with their spouse taking a trip without them or being in touch with old love interests or lying about their sexual past. *I* think those are controlling behaviors based on insecurity, but it doesn't matter what *I* think--the issue causes real distress for the poster, thus needs to be addressed with the spouse. When an agreed upon boundary is violated, you absolutely are justified in enforcing the boundary. I don't care if it's for Facebooking old boyfriends or for toking where you promised not to or for wearing your wife's underwear to your mother-in-law's dinner party.

If this is a boundary that your husband can't live with, then he should grow a pair and tell you, "Honey, I'm sorry I led you to believe otherwise, but you can't put limits on when and where I get stoned. Choose." 

If you're not going to reinforce your boundary or work out new parameters that you both can live with, then I don't think you can expect him to change his behavior. 

He sounds like a real keeper.  Tell him to put down the joint and go play with his son.


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## WallaceBea (Apr 7, 2014)

Tell him next time you catch him smoking weed you are going to call the cops on his ass.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

Well, we talked - or rather I talked and he didn't say anything. I reminded him of what I had said the last time this thing happened, and told him this just is something that I will not tolerate. All he said is ok it won't happen again. And I said that's what you said last time too. I also told him how I felt about a lot of the other issues, how I felt like a single mom. He didn't have really anything to say, except at one point he said he didn't want to discuss this. I basically made the point that since I am functioning for the most part as a single mom, what good reason do I have to let this incident go and keep him around. He didn't talk to me the rest of the evening and got up and left this morning without saying a word. Guess we'll see what happens from here.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

mace17 said:


> Well, we talked - or rather I talked and he didn't say anything. I reminded him of what I had said the last time this thing happened, and told him this just is something that I will not tolerate. All he said is ok it won't happen again. And I said that's what you said last time too. I also told him how I felt about a lot of the other issues, how I felt like a single mom. He didn't have really anything to say, except at one point he said he didn't want to discuss this. I basically made the point that since I am functioning for the most part as a single mom, what good reason do I have to let this incident go and keep him around. He didn't talk to me the rest of the evening and got up and left this morning without saying a word. Guess we'll see what happens from here.


Lack of communication and discussion is a NEW issue to add to your list.

If this doesn't change either, your relationship won't last.

Think of this as a step back....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

DoF said:


> Lack of communication and discussion is a NEW issue to add to your list.
> 
> If this doesn't change either, your relationship won't last.
> 
> Think of this as a step back....


I kind of disagree on this being a step back. Pretty much any change is progress in a situation like this. The only thing that isn't is ignoring the problem and hoping it goes away. And I doubt the inability to communicate is new. But who knows...

OP, you didn't answer the question about WHY he feels he shouldn't be contributing to "kid expenses". So I'll ask again... Why?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Or you could hit a few with your hubby. Do the body spray thing. Then clean your house. For like......three hours!

I guarantee it will never be as spotless again!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

mace17 said:


> I know I'm not so good with setting boundaries and sticking to them, so I thought I would ask you guys. Last year I caught my H smoking pot in the garage. I've told him before that I can't stop him from doing it but I don't want it around anywhere that our son could be exposed to it. That time, me and my son had come back from a bicycle ride and went to put the bikes away in the garage and there he was smoking that. Fortunately DS didn't notice anything but I was still mad. I told H at that time that I didn't want to have to worry about me or my son going into the garage and finding that again and told him if it happened again, we would be done. Well, caught him again last night - DS and I were going to play some catch and couldn't remember where we left the baseball gloves, so I sent him to look on the front porch and I went to look in the garage. And there's H sitting in his car smoking pot - he jumped and got that panicked look and put it away real fast. I haven't said anything about it yet, need some time to think about it. So should I tell him I know what he was doing and it better not happen again, or stick to what I said the last time and just tell him we're done and its over?


Not something I would put up with.

But here is the deal. If I felt that way I would not have married them.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

mace17 said:


> Well, we talked - or rather I talked and he didn't say anything. I reminded him of what I had said the last time this thing happened, and told him this just is something that I will not tolerate. All he said is ok it won't happen again. And I said that's what you said last time too. I also told him how I felt about a lot of the other issues, how I felt like a single mom. He didn't have really anything to say, except at one point he said he didn't want to discuss this. I basically made the point that since I am functioning for the most part as a single mom, what good reason do I have to let this incident go and keep him around. He didn't talk to me the rest of the evening and got up and left this morning without saying a word. Guess we'll see what happens from here.


Clearly he doesnt give a damn, so why do you? Move on, already.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Clearly he doesnt give a damn, so why do you? Move on, already.


At this point, I agree.

It doesn't feel like it will get better......and he is just inconsiderate.....careless.....

Time to find someone that will communicate with you/spend time with you and your child.

Communication, Companionship and Compromise is what you have missing completely.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

DoF said:


> At this point, I agree.
> 
> It doesn't feel like it will get better......and he is just inconsiderate.....careless.....
> 
> ...


I think that is the root of the problem, even my therapist has said he seems to be extremely selfish. He has had lots of excuses why he doesn't pay for stuff, like when I mentioned baseball fees, he said "well I knew you were taking him to sign up so I figured you had it covered". And when I asked him why he never comes to our son's baseball practices, he said that the parents really don't need to be there, most of them don't sit there anyway, and I'm always there so he doesn't need to be. I told him that actually yes most of the parents are there and while I know I really don't have to be there, it shows my son that I am interested and care about what he is doing.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

mace17 said:


> I think that is the root of the problem, even my therapist has said he seems to be extremely selfish. He has had lots of excuses why he doesn't pay for stuff, like when I mentioned baseball fees, he said "well I knew you were taking him to sign up so I figured you had it covered". And when I asked him why he never comes to our son's baseball practices, he said that the parents really don't need to be there, most of them don't sit there anyway, and I'm always there so he doesn't need to be. I told him that actually yes most of the parents are there and while I know I really don't have to be there, it shows my son that I am interested and care about what he is doing.


That's not a father. His kid is a toy to him, not something you have to work on/put in time and be responsible about.

And you are correct. Most parents stay at practice (and few do drop off but usually when they have things going on/busy).

I attend each and every practice and game and show my son support.

He has a lot of growing up to do.....immature, childish, irresponsible and not supportive. 

You and your child deserve WAY better. Heck NOTHING/NO MAN is better than what you have today.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Smoking is one issue, yes. The far bigger issue is your son. Why would you tolerate that?


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

Openminded said:


> Smoking is one issue, yes. The far bigger issue is your son. Why would you tolerate that?


I read a lot on this forum, and the general consensus seems to be that divorce is very hard on children and that parents are better off working out their issues. 

I make sure my son is loved, taken care of, and supported, and it seems better than the alternative. 

Although in my other thread the general opinion was that I should leave him. He is not abusive, just.....not really involved or supportive for the most part.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

mace17 said:


> I read a lot on this forum, and the general consensus seems to be that divorce is very hard on children and that parents are better off working out their issues.
> 
> *I make sure my son is loved, taken care of, and supported, and it seems better than the alternative. *
> 
> Although in my other thread the general opinion was that I should leave him. He is not abusive, just.....not really involved or supportive for the most part.


Its NOT! He is living in a house with a man who is supposed to love and support him, who instead ignores and resents him. You cannot seriously think that YOU are enough for your son while in that house with your husband. You my dear, are completely delusional.  Stop making excuses just because you want to be married instead of doing the right thing.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Children are perceptive. They know when things aren't right. Your son will see that. Certainly, working out issues is better but it takes two willing participants for that. And he doesn't sound willing.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Confusing to me. Were you aware of the smoking before you married...? If so, it's not a deal breaker, and therefore unreasonable to threaten him. 

If the garage as agreed is not working out as is, try having him text you he's there and when finished so you both can accommodate your innocent son. 

Get creative and positive about his illegal? habit. Agree protecting child is the priority and work out alternatives supporting that goal.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

After I talked to him last week, and after a very emotionally chilly week, yesterday H starts being very nice to me. Needless to say, I was rather suspicious of his motivation, but he claims he realizes that he screwed up and he doesn't want to lose me. Between all the other things going on the last 2 days, we haven't really had a chance to talk about it, but I don't know what to think. In the past, when he's started being like this it was because he hadn't gotten laid in several days and was trying to suck up, once he got what he wanted he went right back to his original ways. 

I don't know if I should relent and give him another chance and see what happens, or tell him I don't believe it this time and he's had too many chances already. He actually stayed at the volunteer signup for baseball that I was in charge of and helped me clean up when it was done, and that is very unusual. 

I just don't know what to think - how can you tell when they really mean it?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

When it continues no matter how you react....


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Consistency over time shows you whether he means it or not.


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