# stuck in a rut



## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I made the choice to leave.

I knew at the time that nothing was going to change and things were spiraling out of control, I myself was spending my days secluded or in bed didn't have the confidence to walk down to the store to buy food for myself, and spent any time I felt pain drinking to shut it up. I couldn't even bring myself to barely care for my animals, I was a mess and falling apart.

My marriage was in even worse condition. We hated eachother, I swear we did. I would have stayed there forever too if he had never made it clear to me infront of his friends that I was less important than them. A lot happened before I left, things that everyone else had said they'd never put up with.

So, I left. I broke, I couldn't take it anymore. Anyways, from feb to july we were in contact. It was constant games. He drained my bank account, caused car insurance to lapse (his car, my insurance) went on a months long drug binge, messed around with other girls, but made it a point to string me along too. I had people call me at work to harass me..people I don't even know. He spent every shift degrading me to my coworkers. Just really unspeakable things that had been going on for at least a year before I finally left.

so it's been 100% no contact since july. its only september. I've spent my time since feb working on myself, who I am, what I like, what I dislike, what I believe and don't believe, etc. I needed to, because i lost all of that trying to be perfect. I wanted to be what he wanted, I wanted to be what made his friends jealous and stroked his ego. I even broke down and asked him if he knew what it does to a person and how it hurts to strive to be better than an artificial high. 

but here I am. I'm doing better, I was so much stronger. I knew I could do it then...that was only 6 months ago. Now with no funds, no car, a stressful home life, I can see where I've improved, and where I'm proud of my growth but I seriously spend every other thought mourning. 

I cannot get myself away from the thought of my stbx. I can't escape it. even in common conversation I reference him for one reason or another. I told myself that its because I spent six years of my life with him. Now people are starting to comment on how i constantly mention him. I spend my time missing the connection, missing what we shared. I tried looking through old pictures..BAD idea. just made it worse.

Logically, I know I made a good choice. But I harbor so much guilt and self loathing for not "sticking it through" even when "it" was all a game in the first place. I remembered the other day, shortly before he asked me to marry him I had asked him if our relationship was all a control game because he knew he could and liked having control over people (something he'd said previously) within that year we were engaged. 

When do I stop thinking about it? Why is it I need to dwell on what was, could have been, and what I "lost" when really in all reality I didn't lose anything? I can't help but worry who he's with, how they're treating him, how he's doing, if he's getting any help..I almost look forward to him returning to this state. 

It's sick, and I know better. I don't want anyone else, I haven't even bothered trying or seeking. 

But it's keeping me from moving forward. I can't help but feel hopeless and lost. every time I try convincing myself I can, I come up with a plan to move forward, and then sink even deeper into this depressed state and do nothing.

is it not pathetic? He moved on before I left and I still can't do more than daily tasks and going to work. wtf?


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

its not pathetic, i'm much earlier on in my separation but can definitely empathise with the feeling that they get over things quicker and easier and it doesn't seem fair...

keep your head up, better things are on the way


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