# Wife wants to be alone? What does that mean?



## DEFA17

Hello everyone I will try not to make this to long, so here it goes. A few weeks ago my wife told me that she still loves me loves me as a husband,provider and a dad. But does not want to have physical relations. She said that she is still attracted to me but doesn't want to have sex and feels like we should separate for a while because she feels that she needs to be alone for a while? We have been married for 3 years (together for 7) have 2 beautiful children (5 & 2) I am just so crushed and heart broken right now. This also started about 2 months ago and she just started a new job 3 months ago....Is there someone else? I am a good provider I work days she works nights. I do all the cooking cleaning take care of the kids help with the homework and always spoiling her with flowers and taking her where ever she wants to go....We never have a full out fight just disagreements and never raise our voice at each other. All our friends said that we had the perfect relationship until she hit me with this. I have been trying to give her space to think on what she wants but I am getting more frustrated because I want to talk about it and she doesn't even want to talk to me about it..... what do I do before I explode? I can't live every day like this!!!!


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## Amplexor

The timing of the job change and her telling you she no longer desires you physical intimacy is suspect. It may not be that she is physically involved with anyone but may be emotionally. Have you noticed any change in behavior online or in her cell phone use? Is she secretive or evasive? Are there some core issues in your marriage you can reveal to us? Communication, money, parenting….


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## LoveAtLast

I would be very suspicious. If she wants a separation she is at least contemplating something or someone else. Is she wanting to move out on her own? What about the kids?


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## DEFA17

Amplexor said:


> The timing of the job change and her telling you she no longer desires you physical intimacy is suspect. It may not be that she is physically involved with anyone but may be emotionally. Have you noticed any change in behavior online or in her cell phone use? Is she secretive or evasive? Are there some core issues in your marriage you can reveal to us? Communication, money, parenting….



She has always cleared her call history on her phone everyday so I really cant tell about that ..... and on the core issues question there was never any problems she always said that i am not the best communicator since I don't talk about work with her (I cant I am an attorney) ......the only problems that I can possibly think of is a couple of years ago I was going onto alot of porn sites which I have stopped and she was complaining that I wanted to make love all the time ....which I am a guy so there is always never enough and she is just so beautiful I want to hold her all the time. I am an open book ask me anything and I will answer it


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## DEFA17

LoveAtLast said:


> I would be very suspicious. If she wants a separation she is at least contemplating something or someone else. Is she wanting to move out on her own? What about the kids?


See I always trusted her if she wanted to go out dancing or clubbing with her friends there was never a no ...I encouraged her to go out and have fun.....I think there has to be someone that she is talking to even if nothing has happened yet......and with the kids we talked Saturday night and I agreed if she went to stay with her mom the kids would stay with me since I am the one who picks them up from school and babysitter everyday anyway .....and she also told me that night that she realizes that she can not afford a place on her own since she only make $10 an hour ...so I don't want to be used just for the money aspect of this till she finds what she is looking for.


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## Amplexor

Two items. Porn and communications. It is possible the porn had more of an impact then you think. When a spouse objects to the use of porn many times it is because they feel the porn is desired more then themselves. In many cases speaking from experience here, they may feel that the porn may have been brought to the bed. Fantasizing about it rather then her. On the communication just because you are an attorney doesn’t mean you can’t talk about your day. Office gossip, where you went to lunch and your work in general terms. Also, do you talk to her each evening about her day? Poor communications can leave a spouse feeling unwanted, uncared for and unimportant. I think poor communication is a common weak point for us men in general. That doesn’t mean it can’t be improved and now is the time to work on it. I would appeal to her sense of family and her instincts as a mother and ask her to start counseling with you for the sake of the family. If after some time (and it will take some) she still feels she wants to separate then you can take a look at that step. Why put the kids through this if you don’t need to? Again look for signs that she may be emotionally connected with some one else.


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## DEFA17

Amplexor said:


> Two items. Porn and communications. It is possible the porn had more of an impact then you think. When a spouse objects to the use of porn many times it is because they feel the porn is desired more then themselves. In many cases speaking from experience here, they may feel that the porn may have been brought to the bed. Fantasizing about it rather then her. On the communication just because you are an attorney doesn’t mean you can’t talk about your day. Office gossip, where you went to lunch and your work in general terms. Also, do you talk to her each evening about her day? Poor communications can leave a spouse feeling unwanted, uncared for and unimportant. I think poor communication is a common weak point for us men in general. That doesn’t mean it can’t be improved and now is the time to work on it. I would appeal to her sense of family and her instincts as a mother and ask her to start counseling with you for the sake of the family. If after some time (and it will take some) she still feels she wants to separate then you can take a look at that step. Why put the kids through this if you don’t need to? Again look for signs that she may be emotionally connected with some one else.


Since she started this job we don't get to talk as much as we used to since she is getting home at 11:30pm and I am well asleep when she gets home....I told her that is part of the problem that we are not connected like we used to be....I was working on it staying up and waiting for her to get home but I just cant do it all the time since I am in the office at 5 am. while I was typing this she called me and told me that I am checking up on her now since last night I was driving by her work with the kids from taking her to see their grand mom and put a note on her seat that said that I loved her. I couldn't get her to understand I just wanted to get her to smile .....now I really think that she has something going on at work if she is all paranoid about that.


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## DEFA17

what signs should I look for? Also I never mentioned that she is 10 years younger than me. She is 27


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## Amplexor

If she called just to tell you she feels like you are checking up on her that could be read two ways. If stopping by her place of work is not in your normal pattern then she could read this wrong. Or she may be paranoid because she does have something going on there. If this is a case of an EA then it is very possible she is not even aware how it could be damaging the marriage and her view of you. Since you have seen no activity that an EA exists, don’t over react to this. This was simply a suggestion by me because of the timing in her loss of deeper feelings for you. It might be something or it might not but you don’t have anything to solidly base a conclusion from. As far as what you might look for, the obvious. Being evasive, changes in patterns, spending more time away from the house…. None will likely give you a solid conclusion but look at all the behaviors. At this point she has not given you a true reason whey she feels the need for space. You have a right to know and the two of you should have a calm conversation so she can explain this to you so you can better understand. But also honor her request and don’t dote on her. Don’t continually bring it up. But she does owe an explanation as to why. There is something under the surface here.

OBTW your last post intrigues me. Are you insecure about the differences in your ages?


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## DEFA17

You could say that I am insecure of the age difference. I mean she is beautiful and I know she turns peoples heads as she walks into a room. I just don't know where this all came from and I want to believe in the worse case. All our conversations have been calm since I am trying not to push her away but she keeps telling me that she just needs some space ....If I give her that space i feel that I will go crazy because I feel I need to know what is going on!!!!


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## DEFA17

also I just noticed she took the key of her car off of my key chain!!!


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## voivod

maybe you leaving a note on her seat freaked her out. but it does add to the set of circumstances.


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## DEFA17

voivod said:


> maybe you leaving a note on her seat freaked her out. but it does add to the set of circumstances.


That is exactly what she said that it freaked her out!!!! I used to stop by and put a rose on her seat and a card so I don't know why now it would "freak" her out


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## magicsunset08

She's having an affair or is contemplating one. Been there done that. The problem is if you question her and she has not made the step yet. You will drive her to have an affair. My wife quit having sex with me and told me she wanted to move out and get some space. Come to find out she was ver into a guy at work.. Be the provider and the father. Ask about someone else. I am sorry man. husbands and wives don't quit having sexual relations with their spouse and say that they are still attracted to them. She just is afraid to hurt you. Good luck


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## swedish

At minimum, it sounds as though she is missing an emotional connection with you. If she has felt this way for several months or years she may have filled this void with someone at work. 

It doesn't necessarily mean an affair, but as Amp said, she may be involved in an emotional affair and not even realize it or consider it wrong. 

I do think saying she still loves you and thinks you are a good husband, father, etc. but does not want any physical intimacy is odd. It doesn't mean she's 'getting that elsewhere' but it may mean she is having thoughts about someone else that have pushed her away from you. 

Since she started this job, has she spoken of anyone in particular there? That could be another sign.

I know for me I need to feel emotionally close to my husband for the sexual desire to be there so if she has felt disconnected for some time, she may have just reached the point of not wanting to go through the motions. 

If she does not want to talk pressing the issue may push her further away, but since she has suggested separation, maybe your approach should be from that angle...I've thought about your request for a separation and I'm struggling with the idea because I don't feel I fully understand your need to be alone. If you are feeling something is missing with us, I'd much rather focus on making changes within our marriage so you are feeling fulfilled.

She may feel she has already tried to get you to open up and feels 'spent' at this point, so the more understanding you are of where she is at the more likely she will open up about it.


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## DEFA17

magicsunset08 said:


> She's having an affair or is contemplating one. Been there done that. The problem is if you question her and she has not made the step yet. You will drive her to have an affair. My wife quit having sex with me and told me she wanted to move out and get some space. Come to find out she was ver into a guy at work.. Be the provider and the father. Ask about someone else. I am sorry man. husbands and wives don't quit having sexual relations with their spouse and say that they are still attracted to them. She just is afraid to hurt you. Good luck


Sorry to hear what happened....did you every work it out with her? I asked if there was another and of coarse the answer was no.


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## DEFA17

swedish said:


> At minimum, it sounds as though she is missing an emotional connection with you. If she has felt this way for several months or years she may have filled this void with someone at work.
> 
> It doesn't necessarily mean an affair, but as Amp said, she may be involved in an emotional affair and not even realize it or consider it wrong.
> 
> I do think saying she still loves you and thinks you are a good husband, father, etc. but does not want any physical intimacy is odd. It doesn't mean she's 'getting that elsewhere' but it may mean she is having thoughts about someone else that have pushed her away from you.
> 
> Since she started this job, has she spoken of anyone in particular there? That could be another sign.
> 
> I know for me I need to feel emotionally close to my husband for the sexual desire to be there so if she has felt disconnected for some time, she may have just reached the point of not wanting to go through the motions.
> 
> If she does not want to talk pressing the issue may push her further away, but since she has suggested separation, maybe your approach should be from that angle...I've thought about your request for a separation and I'm struggling with the idea because I don't feel I fully understand your need to be alone. If you are feeling something is missing with us, I'd much rather focus on making changes within our marriage so you are feeling fulfilled.
> 
> She may feel she has already tried to get you to open up and feels 'spent' at this point, so the more understanding you are of where she is at the more likely she will open up about it.


she does talk about other guys at work were she even goes out with them on Thursday nights (that is there Friday night) but her work place is 60 guys and 3 girls so if she is to go out and relax after a week of work it will be with the guys....plus she added 3 of them to her cell phone.....you say not to press the issue which I admit I have been so I should just let her bring it up? I don't want to make her feel that I don't care.....Also I have told her numerous times that I don't understand and her response is that she has told me enough times already. Also claims I don't understand what she is telling me which I don't.


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## voivod

DEFA17 said:


> Sorry to hear what happened....did you every work it out with her? I asked if there was another and of coarse the answer was no.


okay, i'm gonna ask you a question that my wife asked me awhile back. understand one of my traits was jealousy. and i wore it on my sleeve.

the question was: "have i EVER done ANYTHING to give you a reason to believe i would do anything to jeopardize this marriage?"

my truthful answer was "no." we are separated today (a choice of hers, she's justified, no adultery involved in her choice, and were working on reconciling), and i suppose there's some logic out there that says she's free to date, etc. anyone she wants and do anything she wants. now understand, i'm on a 6 month stretch of a newfound lifetime of sobriety, so there's some clarity in my thinking that i didn't posess before, but to this day she hasn't given me one ounce of a reason to believe she's been with anyone else.

so ask yourself that question.


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## DEFA17

the answer for me would be a strong "no" but her actions of late is not the person I have known for all these years. And it really hurts


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## swedish

Have you heard of/read the book The 5 Love Languages by Chapman? It is interesting that she doesn't believe you understand her and you also say that you don't. This book may shed some light as its base is finding out what makes you/your spouse feel loved. From your post, it sounds as though you do acts of service (helping around the house, with the kids) and gifts (flowers) to show your love but she may be needing 'words of affirmation' or something else and not feeling truely loved even though you are doing what you know to show it.

How are you with affection? Hugging, kissing, cuddling? Complimenting her? If those have been lacking she may feel you don't desire her (coupled with porn this can make a woman feel unloved)

If you have those things covered, I would guess it's just having close conversations...not the daily finances, kids, stuff but the sort of things you talk about when you dated her...For some, knowing their spouse is still interested in them, their hobbies, work, hopes and dreams makes them feel loved.

Just some things to consider.


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## Amplexor

DEFA17 said:


> Also I have told her numerous times that I don't understand and her response is that she has told me enough times already. Also claims I don't understand what she is telling me which I don't.



For her to make this statement speaks volumes about where she is. She has disconnected from you. She feels she has been fighting for the marriage for some time and now she has given up. Self reflection is something you need to take time and do to try and come up with what she is missing. Attention, self worth, loved, admired…. All those things need to be thought about and if you think you know what some of it might be, speak with her about it. Show her you love her by action, not words. They are falling of deaf ears at this point. Listen to her, respect her, be there for her.


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## magicsunset08

She is freaked out because she is having an affair! I was accused of lthe same thing. It is an excuse to put some of the blame on you. That is one thing that has hlped part of my "very slow" recovery, is I see that the pattern is all the same. If I can help someone with the problems similar to mine....I am all for it.


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## DEFA17

swedish said:


> Have you heard of/read the book The 5 Love Languages by Chapman? It is interesting that she doesn't believe you understand her and you also say that you don't. This book may shed some light as its base is finding out what makes you/your spouse feel loved. From your post, it sounds as though you do acts of service (helping around the house, with the kids) and gifts (flowers) to show your love but she may be needing 'words of affirmation' or something else and not feeling truely loved even though you are doing what you know to show it.
> 
> How are you with affection? Hugging, kissing, cuddling? Complimenting her? If those have been lacking she may feel you don't desire her (coupled with porn this can make a woman feel unloved)
> 
> If you have those things covered, I would guess it's just having close conversations...not the daily finances, kids, stuff but the sort of things you talk about when you dated her...For some, knowing their spouse is still interested in them, their hobbies, work, hopes and dreams makes them feel loved.
> 
> Just some things to consider.


I just got the book Friday "for men only" an understanding of how a female thinks and how a man responds to their thinking ....were it seems I was just trying to fix the problem not listening to the problem if that makes any sense..... I tell her all day I love her...always give her hugs and kisses and I love to cuddle......and I will always try to talk to her to see how her day is going.


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## DEFA17

magicsunset08 said:


> She is freaked out because she is having an affair! I was accused of lthe same thing. It is an excuse to put some of the blame on you. That is one thing that has hlped part of my "very slow" recovery, is I see that the pattern is all the same. If I can help someone with the problems similar to mine....I am all for it.


Then what do I do????


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## DEFA17

Amplexor said:


> For her to make this statement speaks volumes about where she is. She has disconnected from you. She feels she has been fighting for the marriage for some time and now she has given up. Self reflection is something you need to take time and do to try and come up with what she is missing. Attention, self worth, loved, admired…. All those things need to be thought about and if you think you know what some of it might be, speak with her about it. Show her you love her by action, not words. They are falling of deaf ears at this point. Listen to her, respect her, be there for her.


I don't know what she has given up on she never talked to me about anything that was bothering her except for she wants me to quit smoking.....I cant figure out what she is missing.....here are something I did for her the last couple of weeks ....she said on the phone that she was hungry so I took 3 hours to prepare a nice 6 course meal for her when she came home at 11:30 pm candle lit dinner where I was the waiter and she gave no reaction ......took her out for a nice dinner and a comedy show that she wanted to see and she was acting like she didn't want to be there...... this Friday we were going out to dinner and a movie and then dancing then at last minute she decided she wanted to go out with her friends so I asked her why and she said that she didn't want to have drinks with me because she didn't want alcohol to play a part in what her feelings might be for me, so I dug in a little more and she said that she just didn't want to have sex with me because of the alcohol and wants it to be on her terms?


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## swedish

DEFA17 said:


> I just got the book Friday "for men only" an understanding of how a female thinks and how a man responds to their thinking ....were it seems I was just trying to fix the problem not listening to the problem if that makes any sense......


That makes a lot of sense...sounds like a good resource. That is one thing my husband and I have learned as well...I am better at saying "I don't need you to do anything, I just need to vent" and he is just there for me, listening and being supportive.

I think this is a fairly common issue.


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## DEFA17

Thanks Swedish but now she doesn't want to talk at all so what do I do? I I really don't want to lose her!!!!


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## Amplexor

It is likely she has been telling you for some time what she needed but you missed it. Similar to how my marriage go into the condition it was in last year. While gallant and romantic the preparation of the meal is not what she is looking for. It is whatever the core problem that she sees or perceives in the marriage she’s looking for. Something in the communication is broken and she’s quit trying to address it. Again, self reflection is required. While the dating and spending time together is nice, it is probably the a deeper core issue. Respect, support, self worth… that she seeks. Some one in her work group is likely providing that for her.


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## swedish

I agree with Amp....you need to figure out what she has been missing from you then commit to making those changes. 

It sounds as though doting on her at this point may be too little too late in her mind. She may actually find your kind gestures annoying at this point.

Let's assume what she is missing is an emotional bond...someone who is interested in her day and supports her feelings (being sympathetic if someone bothered her at work today, etc.)

Then what you do from there is let her know you recognize that you haven't been there for her in this way and you realize how this must have made her feel and that you are commited to making changes to become a better husband, father....beyond that it's doing it...rehashing over and over will just stress her out more right now.


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## DEFA17

Amplexor said:


> It is likely she has been telling you for some time what she needed but you missed it. Similar to how my marriage go into the condition it was in last year. While gallant and romantic the preparation of the meal is not what she is looking for. It is whatever the core problem that she sees or perceives in the marriage she’s looking for. Something in the communication is broken and she’s quit trying to address it. Again, self reflection is required. While the dating and spending time together is nice, it is probably the a deeper core issue. Respect, support, self worth… that she seeks. Some one in her work group is likely providing that for her.[/QUOT
> 
> Then I guess there is nothing that I can do then


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## DEFA17

swedish said:


> I agree with Amp....you need to figure out what she has been missing from you then commit to making those changes.
> 
> It sounds as though doting on her at this point may be too little too late in her mind. She may actually find your kind gestures annoying at this point.
> 
> Let's assume what she is missing is an emotional bond...someone who is interested in her day and supports her feelings (being sympathetic if someone bothered her at work today, etc.)
> 
> Then what you do from there is let her know you recognize that you haven't been there for her in this way and you realize how this must have made her feel and that you are commited to making changes to become a better husband, father....beyond that it's doing it...rehashing over and over will just stress her out more right now.


I told her the other night I am there for her if she needs to talk and her words were "yeah right!"


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## swedish

Okay, so she is saying loud and clear that she no longer believes in what you say you will do and that says to me that's because that's exactly what she feels you haven't been doing. She feels you haven't been there for her emotionally.

Keep reading that book (and the 5 love languages if you decide to pick that one up) and as you do, find specific things you can relate to where you have negelected her in the past and tell her what you read...and that you are enlightened...and follow it by changing how you interact with her.

If you really want to reach out to her, you will need a lot of patience...giving up at this point will only reinforce to her how little you care to make real changes.


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## DEFA17

swedish said:


> Okay, so she is saying loud and clear that she no longer believes in what you say you will do and that says to me that's because that's exactly what she feels you haven't been doing. She feels you haven't been there for her emotionally.
> 
> Keep reading that book (and the 5 love languages if you decide to pick that one up) and as you do, find specific things you can relate to where you have negelected her in the past and tell her what you read...and that you are enlightened...and follow it by changing how you interact with her.
> 
> If you really want to reach out to her, you will need a lot of patience...giving up at this point will only reinforce to her how little you care to make real changes.


I finished the book and told her about the things I found wrong what I was doing and apologized for not listening and for not making her my #1 priority ( work to make sure we were financially stable) and I feel like I am pushing her away because I want to talk about it


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## DEFA17

also she started to read the book and said that it was useless because she feels she is in the minority of feeling the way the book is portraying female thoughts and actions ....while the book is based on research and a lot of surveys


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## Amplexor

There is plenty you can do for her. But first you need to find out what it is that she is missing. Just because she may have turned to some one else for those need does not mean she cannot return to you as her emotional center. You may find that once you understand what she is looking for the smaller thing in life will mean more to her then the dinners and dates. Swedish is right, the doting and dinners are not what she is looking for and will likely drive her further away. When you told her you were there for her and she said “yeah right” says she’s heard this before. You need to get to the core need/want she is missing. Ask her how you can improve for her and the family. Only when you understand the need can you address the problem. If you make changes in yourself be sure you can live with them for the rest of your life. And when you’ve made them, don’t expect her to come bounding back. It will take time and a steady commitment for her to recognize and understand you have changed.


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## DEFA17

Thank amp I just need to try to find out what she is looking for ....but should I give her some space for a couple of days before I approach her with this since I have been on her for a while?


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## Amplexor

Yes, by all means respect her wishes and give her some space. Spend a couple of days to think about what it might be. Be empathetic to how she might feel. Think back on conversations or arguments you’ve had in the past and see if that gives you some insite.


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## DEFA17

I'll try that


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## DEFA17

update: last night on the phone she tells me she loves me and wants to talk when she gets home .....I stay up and wait for her then she tells me to forget about it she doesnt want to talk .....what is up with that?


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## Amplexor

Confusion. Be there for her and be ready to talk when she is ready. For now just give her a little space for a couple of days. She will likely bring it back up. Don’t push but be sure to show her you love her with your actions.


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## DEFA17

Amplexor said:


> Confusion. Be there for her and be ready to talk when she is ready. For now just give her a little space for a couple of days. She will likely bring it back up. Don’t push but be sure to show her you love her with your actions.


She told me that she wants to talk to me but doesn't know where to start....so I told her to take her time and figure out exactly what she wants to talk about and I will be there when she is ready to talk and I also told her I will really listen this time...lol


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## swedish

One thing I would suggest is to hear her out and not get defensive. There may be things you don't agree with but bringing that up at this time might make her withdraw and think you don't understand how she's been feeling. I would guess this is not an issue as it sounds asthough you have a mature, respectful relationship but thought I'd toss it out there anyway!


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## DEFA17

It is just so hard to waiting for her I just want everything how it was .......I wants that smile ....the look she used to give me ....my heart jumping or skipping a beat when we kissed........ On ta good note though I just found a support group in the phoenix area that is for men in my position...so hopefully that we be a help meeting is Monday night ....I wish it was tonight !!!


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## Melancholy

DEFA17 said:


> It is just so hard to waiting for her I just want everything how it was .......I wants that smile ....the look she used to give me ....my heart jumping or skipping a beat when we kissed........ On ta good note though I just found a support group in the phoenix area that is for men in my position...so hopefully that we be a help meeting is Monday night ....I wish it was tonight !!!


Def,

Can you send me that info? I live in the East Valley and I could really use a support group.


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## Guest

magicsunset08 said:


> She is freaked out because she is having an affair! I was accused of lthe same thing. It is an excuse to put some of the blame on you. That is one thing that has hlped part of my "very slow" recovery, is I see that the pattern is all the same. If I can help someone with the problems similar to mine....I am all for it.


Sorry but your giving bad advice. At what point do you know and think it is appropriate to assume to know for fact that her actions are "She is freaked out because she is having an affair!" Just because you lived it doesn't mean it's true of every situation.

To the OP, I thought my wife was also having an affair and I had strong evidence of it. So I dug deep enough to know she wasn't having a physical affair. Now an emotional affair is a whole other story. However, the reaason my wife went to the place she is at now is because of me and my actions. I drove her out of this relationship and perhaps your spouse is reeling the same way.


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## DEFA17

Jason said:


> Sorry but your giving bad advice. At what point do you know and think it is appropriate to assume to know for fact that her actions are "She is freaked out because she is having an affair!" Just because you lived it doesn't mean it's true of every situation.
> 
> To the OP, I thought my wife was also having an affair and I had strong evidence of it. So I dug deep enough to know she wasn't having a physical affair. Now an emotional affair is a whole other story. However, the reaason my wife went to the place she is at now is because of me and my actions. I drove her out of this relationship and perhaps your spouse is reeling the same way.


I have been digging and digging and can only find calls I hate to admit this but I even went to the extent of paying someone to follow her to and from work for a work week....I knew deep inside that there was no one else because she was never that type of person .........but why is she still deleting all of her text messages every night? What does she have to hide? And I still cant really figure out what I did wrong


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## DEFA17

Melancholy said:


> Def,
> 
> Can you send me that info? I live in the East Valley and I could really use a support group.


I just sent it in a private message to you I am on the east side also in chandler


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## Guest

Def, From the words of my wife. "Because your snooping and trying to control me". My wife went to visit a guy friend from a video game in Chicago. Never told me, hid the fact she was calling him and not letting me know. I found the cell minutes, of course I would its part of my cell pacakge, and confronted her. She said she had dinner with him, his wife and two kids. Of course I didn't believe it and jumped down her throat that she was lieing and cheating etc. Well, after digging pretty deep, her friend's wife gave birth to their second son in April and appears to love his family a great deal. is my wife having an emotional affair by having a friendship with the opposite sex? Absolutely! is she cheating on me. No! The point is she went to someone else for emotional support. My wife's situation is unique in that she hasn't had a friend other than me in 20 years. She lost her mother 10 years ago. She doesn't speak to her family so she is literally alienated. 

Is that your wife? I wouldn't know. But I do know that every single person accused her of a affair just as Magic did. I was the only one who knew her well enough to know better. Yet I let comments like that stew in me until I kept beating a dead horse with her. It caused me to do even more verbal damage to her which is the absolute last thing I needed to be doing. 

The good news is she said she loved you and wanted to talk. If you really start looking into the mirror and finding out what she doesn't like, and start fixing it, you might come out of this in a positive light. I've spent the last month not trusting my wife and wasted a month of doing this the right way.


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## DEFA17

Jason said:


> Def, From the words of my wife. "Because your snooping and trying to control me". My wife went to visit a guy friend from a video game in Chicago. Never told me, hid the fact she was calling him and not letting me know. I found the cell minutes, of course I would its part of my cell pacakge, and confronted her. She said she had dinner with him, his wife and two kids. Of course I didn't believe it and jumped down her throat that she was lieing and cheating etc. Well, after digging pretty deep, her friend's wife gave birth to their second son in April and appears to love his family a great deal. is my wife having an emotional affair by having a friendship with the opposite sex? Absolutely! is she cheating on me. No! The point is she went to someone else for emotional support. My wife's situation is unique in that she hasn't had a friend other than me in 20 years. She lost her mother 10 years ago. She doesn't speak to her family so she is literally alienated.
> 
> Is that your wife? I wouldn't know. But I do know that every single person accused her of a affair just as Magic did. I was the only one who knew her well enough to know better. Yet I let comments like that stew in me until I kept beating a dead horse with her. It caused me to do even more verbal damage to her which is the absolute last thing I needed to be doing.
> 
> The good news is she said she loved you and wanted to talk. If you really start looking into the mirror and finding out what she doesn't like, and start fixing it, you might come out of this in a positive light. I've spent the last month not trusting my wife and wasted a month of doing this the right way.


good advice All of my "friends" have told me that she is cheating on me and I beat myself up every day. All I really know is since we got a new house I have been concentrating on everything but her!!!!! I am trying to bring the romance back doing all the little things I have done in the past and it just seems like there is nothing there in her actions towards me but she speaks that she loves my so it is very confusing


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## Guest

My wife said I broke her soul. Maybe your wife's is as well. All I know is I did enough damage verbally to make her healing process not only difficult but possibly impossible. 

I am in constant turmoil everyday dealing with my feelings about the situation as is I am sure you are. Even last night when she insisted on playing her video game til 2am and knowing she had lied about her phone conversations, I got upset and dug more crap up for her. Was I wrong, yes. Did I tell her I thought she was wrong in her self approval of her actions, you bet. 

The problem is though, it got me no where except deeper in the hole. Every time I try to reason with her, she pulls away. So our two girls are maybe both pulling away from us because we are causing it. I want to do anything possible to save my marriage to the person I know I should be with, as I am sure you are feeling too. We have to fix ourselves and let them see our changes. I dont know if your wife is still in the house with you but put all your efforts into figuring out what it is that is causing her to go down this path. If it's you, then yo uknow what you got to do.


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## DEFA17

Jason said:


> My wife said I broke her soul. Maybe your wife's is as well. All I know is I did enough damage verbally to make her healing process not only difficult but possibly impossible.
> 
> I am in constant turmoil everyday dealing with my feelings about the situation as is I am sure you are. Even last night when she insisted on playing her video game til 2am and knowing she had lied about her phone conversations, I got upset and dug more crap up for her. Was I wrong, yes. Did I tell her I thought she was wrong in her self approval of her actions, you bet.
> 
> The problem is though, it got me no where except deeper in the hole. Every time I try to reason with her, she pulls away. So our two girls are maybe both pulling away from us because we are causing it. I want to do anything possible to save my marriage to the person I know I should be with, as I am sure you are feeling too. We have to fix ourselves and let them see our changes. I dont know if your wife is still in the house with you but put all your efforts into figuring out what it is that is causing her to go down this path. If it's you, then yo uknow what you got to do.


Yes she is still in the house with me. Her mom called up last night and wanted to try and help and get in the middle of it she said that she doesn't know what her daughters problem is said that she told her that I do not do what she asks of me....So I asked her what do I need to do and her response was that I never shaved my go-tee and that I play on a pool team 1 night a week ......so I shaved off the go-tee last night and since I was the captain of the team I called the co-captain and told him I had to quit for family reasons.....I doubt it will work but we will wait and see


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## voivod

well, you asked, she told you, and you took action. i see nowhere that you are at fault in her words. now the proof is in the pudding. live right by her from this point on, stay ahead of the curve with her, and i think problem solved, right?

but i can't for the life of me see where a goatee and a pool league is a hindrance to a relationship, but ha! i'm no expert!

your first post said:
>>>>>"But does not want to have physical relations. She said that she is still attracted to me but doesn't want to have sex and feels like we should separate for a while because she feels that she needs to be alone for a while"<<<<<<

all for a goatee and 1 night a week pool league???


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## DEFA17

voivod said:


> well, you asked, she told you, and you took action. i see nowhere that you are at fault in her words. now the proof is in the pudding. live right by her from this point on, stay ahead of the curve with her, and i think problem solved, right?
> 
> but i can't for the life of me see where a goatee and a pool league is a hindrance to a relationship, but ha! i'm no expert!
> 
> your first post said:
> >>>>>"But does not want to have physical relations. She said that she is still attracted to me but doesn't want to have sex and feels like we should separate for a while because she feels that she needs to be alone for a while"<<<<<<
> 
> all for a goatee and 1 night a week pool league???


I cant either for the life of me but I guess it is worth the try...lol


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## Amplexor

There are obviously deeper issues then the goatee and pool games. It is likely she just have those issues to the MIL to keep the more personal reasons to her self. Doesn’t hurt to try thought. The goatee will grow back and the friends will welcome you back. Good luck.


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## DEFA17

Thanks I will try anything at this point ....I just got off the phone with her and we still tell each other "I love you" but she just said that she feels forced to say it....I said that i was sorry she felt that way but I also did not dig into it further was that the right move? I am trying to give her the space to figure things out.......Did I just srew the pooch?


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## voivod

no. you're telling her how you feel. if she says it to, you did not MAKE her say it. SHE said it. leave it at that.


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## swedish

I think that was the right move...digging into it would not be giving her the space she's asking for.


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## DEFA17

voivod said:


> no. you're telling her how you feel. if she says it to, you did not MAKE her say it. SHE said it. leave it at that.[/QUOTE
> 
> I am just hoping it is not just saying it out of habit


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## DEFA17

swedish said:


> I think that was the right move...digging into it would not be giving her the space she's asking for.


How much space should I give? How long or is it just a wait and see how long it takes her?


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## voivod

DEFA17 said:


> How much space should I give? How long or is it just a wait and see how long it takes her?


space is relative. but i've suggested before that you offer, out of respect for her, to move out, live with a relative or get a hotel room or apartment. just offer, see what her reaction is. it's not game playing. you're exploring options for her space. maybe her reaction tells you where her head is at.


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## Leahdorus

I sort of think that you might try a week or so living somewhere else (friend, relative) for a couple reasons. 1) it gives her the "space" she's asking for, 2) it will give her a taste of what life could be like living on her own and could help her make a decision about what is *really* important to her, and 3) it can give you a chance to work on things for yourself and clear your head a bit.

I would recommend backing off any talk about the marriage and fixing things. As others have said, show with actions, not words. It will take some time (could be months, or more) but over time, you will feel stronger and it will get easier. No matter which way things end up going, you'll have put in some quality work on yourself, which can only help in the long run.

If you take a week or two and are living somewhere else, call your son every night to say good night and chat (I can't remember how hold he is) and plan a weekend when you can visit with him. I would not go out of my way to help your wife with anything during this time. Let her experience life "on her own." I think it will be an eye-opening experience for her. She really needs to stop talking to TOM if she doesn't want to get divorced. I'm not sure she is clear on that concept.


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## DEFA17

Leahdorus said:


> I sort of think that you might try a week or so living somewhere else (friend, relative) for a couple reasons. 1) it gives her the "space" she's asking for, 2) it will give her a taste of what life could be like living on her own and could help her make a decision about what is *really* important to her, and 3) it can give you a chance to work on things for yourself and clear your head a bit.
> 
> I would recommend backing off any talk about the marriage and fixing things. As others have said, show with actions, not words. It will take some time (could be months, or more) but over time, you will feel stronger and it will get easier. No matter which way things end up going, you'll have put in some quality work on yourself, which can only help in the long run.
> 
> If you take a week or two and are living somewhere else, call your son every night to say good night and chat (I can't remember how hold he is) and plan a weekend when you can visit with him. I would not go out of my way to help your wife with anything during this time. Let her experience life "on her own." I think it will be an eye-opening experience for her. She really needs to stop talking to TOM if she doesn't want to get divorced. I'm not sure she is clear on that concept.


I would do that the only problem is that I get the kids after school and she doesn't get home from work till 11:30 PM what will happen with the kids? If I could figure that out I would do it!!!


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## DEFA17

voivod said:


> space is relative. but i've suggested before that you offer, out of respect for her, to move out, live with a relative or get a hotel room or apartment. just offer, see what her reaction is. it's not game playing. you're exploring options for her space. maybe her reaction tells you where her head is at.


problem is it is the Holiday season I have family flying out to see the grand kids and they are staying at my house for the week.


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## voivod

hey, just looking for a reaction from her. i'm not saying move.


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## DEFA17

voivod said:


> hey, just looking for a reaction from her. i'm not saying move.


oooohhhhhh.....OK I see where you are going with that. I should do that in person instead of over the phone right?


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## voivod

DEFA17 said:


> oooohhhhhh.....OK I see where you are going with that. I should do that in person instead of over the phone right?


yes, in person. almost in passing. but have a financial plan ready, with money set aside for deposits, etc. might even be more effective if you ask to borrow money from her to get set up.


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## Leahdorus

DEFA17 said:


> I would do that the only problem is that I get the kids after school and she doesn't get home from work till 11:30 PM what will happen with the kids? If I could figure that out I would do it!!!


Well, if she doesn't dump TOM and get with the program with you, then you're going to have to figure it out sooner or later... Unfortunately, divorce is not cheap. There are extra costs everywhere: 2 homes/apartments, 2 sets of everything, childcare costs, etc.

In this situation, I would recommend a babysitter to cover the evenings until your wife gets home. Maybe you still pick up the kids from school and get them dinner and ready for bed, but then a sitter comes and stays til your wife gets home. Yes, it will cost money. There are always costs (not always monetary) when it comes to divorce or separation. 

I wasn't suggesting doing this for a long time, just a week or two, but it would be a good taste (for both of you) of what is to come if she doesn't make a decision.

Have her start thinking through all the logistics of what it will be like if this is the path she wants to take (the not giving up the other guy).


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## DEFA17

voivod said:


> yes, in person. almost in passing. but have a financial plan ready, with money set aside for deposits, etc. might even be more effective if you ask to borrow money from her to get set up.


she has 2day off from work so I will probably bring it up when I get home after the kids go to bed


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## DEFA17

Leahdorus said:


> Well, if she doesn't dump TOM and get with the program with you, then you're going to have to figure it out sooner or later... Unfortunately, divorce is not cheap. There are extra costs everywhere: 2 homes/apartments, 2 sets of everything, childcare costs, etc.
> 
> In this situation, I would recommend a babysitter to cover the evenings until your wife gets home. Maybe you still pick up the kids from school and get them dinner and ready for bed, but then a sitter comes and stays til your wife gets home. Yes, it will cost money. There are always costs (not always monetary) when it comes to divorce or separation.
> 
> I wasn't suggesting doing this for a long time, just a week or two, but it would be a good taste (for both of you) of what is to come if she doesn't make a decision.
> 
> Have her start thinking through all the logistics of what it will be like if this is the path she wants to take (the not giving up the other guy).


good idea with the babysitter....I still need to find out if there is a TOM


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## DEFA17

here is an update over the weekend I just wanted to tell everyone thank you for all the advise I think it worked in some ways....on Friday we had a nice long talk (4 hours) we agreed that we would do a trial separation where she is going to her moms while I have the kids during the week and she has them Friday and Saturday .....She thanked me 4 times for actually listening to her ...during the conversation I asked her if we can still respect each other and let each other know what was going on she asked what did I mean by that and the answer I gave her it looked like I just stabbed her in the heart and twisted the knife......I told her If I started to see someone I will have the respect and tell her . I told her there is no one but just in case I want to be open with her...... The next day it seemed things started to change with her. She came out 4 times the next day just telling me that she loves me and asked me 3 times If i was serious about seeing someone else!!!!! I told her I wasn't looking but if something happens it does I told her I cant wait forever for her to make up her mind if she loves me and wants to be with me or not.....she then called me yesterday and said that she wasn't sure if she like the idea of us separating said that she thinks she wants to stay together I told her that when she is definitely sure that she wants this to work to let me know and we can talk about it.....do you know how much that hurt all I wanted to do was say yes come home lets be a family again....but she didn't say that she wanted it to work she said that she wasn't sure I want a deffinate answer!!! was that wrong of me? ....Also since I didn't have the kids Friday and Saturday I went out with friends both nights and my next door neighbor told me he saw her drive by at least 4 times each night that he saw.....So why would she be wondering where I am and driving by?


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## Amplexor

This is very much an example of Dobson’s theories in “Love Must be Tough” While I would caution anyone from trying to “bluff” their spouse about moving on, being honest that you are ready to move on if needed jolted her. If she is ready to work on the marriage then welcome her with open arms. If she is not continue to show her you are OK in all of this. That you want the marriage to work but it takes two to improve it. If she isn’t willing to work for it, you are ready to move on. I like what I am hearing here DEFA17. Proceed with caution and care. Good luck.


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## DEFA17

Amplexor said:


> This is very much an example of Dobson’s theories in “Love Must be Tough” While I would caution anyone from trying to “bluff” their spouse about moving on, being honest that you are ready to move on if needed jolted her. If she is ready to work on the marriage then welcome her with open arms. If she is not continue to show her you are OK in all of this. That you want the marriage to work but it takes two to improve it. If she isn’t willing to work for it, you are ready to move on. I like what I am hearing here DEFA17. Proceed with caution and care. Good luck.


I can say that I am not bluffing I just wanted to let her know I can not wait and go though this pain forever ....trust me I want to work this out ....It is just so hard to give her the space she requested ....if She told me yesterday that she was 100% into working it out I would of had her back in a heart beat....but she has only been gone 1 day and since she is with her mom ( I know how she can be and is on my side in all of this telling me her daughter is being stupid right now) she will not let her go out and party while she watches the kids so This might be a good reality check for the wifey....


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## Amplexor

DEFA17 said:


> I can say that I am not bluffing I just wanted to let her know I can not wait and go though this pain forever ....trust me I want to work this out ....



Sorry DEFA17

Didn't mean to imply you were bluffing. I know you are sincere in your direction. Just warning others not to bluff. Glad her mom is still in her life as a guiding force. Good luck


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## Melancholy

Def,

Sounds like good news. I'm still searching for a strategy that will work for me. That's good you guys got the 4 hours to discuss your relationship and feelings. I haven't had that opportunity and I wonder if I would be overstepping my wife's "space" if I pushed for it.

Unfortunately for me, I'm to afraid of the answer my wife would give me if I requested to see other people at this point in time. I have already imagined the 2 possible anwers: "Go ahead, I already have." or "Go ahead, you *%$#[email protected] %$#[email protected] ^%[email protected]"

Def, if you are going to go out on weekends, I need to go with you!


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## DEFA17

Amplexor said:


> Sorry DEFA17
> 
> Didn't mean to imply you were bluffing. I know you are sincere in your direction. Just warning others not to bluff. Glad her mom is still in her life as a guiding force. Good luck


thank you for the wish of luck


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## DEFA17

Melancholy said:


> Def,
> 
> Sounds like good news. I'm still searching for a strategy that will work for me. That's good you guys got the 4 hours to discuss your relationship and feelings. I haven't had that opportunity and I wonder if I would be overstepping my wife's "space" if I pushed for it.
> 
> Unfortunately for me, I'm to afraid of the answer my wife would give me if I requested to see other people at this point in time. I have already imagined the 2 possible anwers: "Go ahead, I already have." or "Go ahead, you *%$#[email protected] %$#[email protected] ^%[email protected]"
> 
> Def, if you are going to go out on weekends, I need to go with you!


that was what I was worried about also when I said it!!! sHOOT ME AN EMAIL ABOUT THIS WEEKEND !!!


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## DEFA17

I know it has been a while since I last wrote but here is an update we agreed that she is to leave to her mom's for a week or so to try to get things straight in her head. She took all her things last night .....I really didn't think it would hurt as much as it does after all this that we have been going through.....just feels empty inside now....I feel now with the hurt I have that she is gone and I dont know if i want her back because of the pain she has put me through


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## Lonelyspouse

Hi.

My wife of 30 years is doing the exact same thing to me. She said she needs her space, and is getting her own apartment. She locked all our joint bank accounts to make sure she has the money. She says she never loved me, and we have not been intimate in years, and even before that it was rare. She said she feels like a piece of meat. She does not want me to touch her in any way, wants me to leave her alone, won't speak to me at all. I am in pain. I cried for a week after she told me. I lost it completely. She has found a place and is leaving in a few days. My heart is broken. 

I read your entire thread, and you have given me a glimmer of hope. Perhaps after she is alone for a while, she may realize how good it is to be part of a loving family, rather than alone. I can only hope. It is so hard to love someone so deeply who is ready and eager to walk away from you forever.


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## MattMatt

Lonelyspouse said:


> Hi.
> 
> My wife of 30 years is doing the exact same thing to me. She said she needs her space, and is getting her own apartment. She locked all our joint bank accounts to make sure she has the money. She says she never loved me, and we have not been intimate in years, and even before that it was rare. She said she feels like a piece of meat. She does not want me to touch her in any way, wants me to leave her alone, won't speak to me at all. I am in pain. I cried for a week after she told me. I lost it completely. She has found a place and is leaving in a few days. My heart is broken.
> 
> I read your entire thread, and you have given me a glimmer of hope. Perhaps after she is alone for a while, she may realize how good it is to be part of a loving family, rather than alone. I can only hope. It is so hard to love someone so deeply who is ready and eager to walk away from you forever.


Hi. You have reactivated a long-dormant thread.

You need to seek legal advice* immediately*. 

You must contact your banks and regain control of the joint accounts.

Report her actions to the bank fraud department on the toll free numbers that are provided.

And look at this. She might be cheating on you http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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