# Lost and in dire need of advice



## nwdad (Oct 19, 2009)

My wife and I have had our share of issues over our past 11 years of marriage...Just when I think everything turns around, something blows up once again...She has a "gay" friend (at least that is what I have been told) that I intercepted some rather disturbing communications...It sounds clearly like an online affair, definately not a physical one since he is not in the same state and by her telling me he is gay...This occurred a week ago and I have struggled to put it aside even though I think I actually believe her when she tells me it is nothing...Then we had another fight on Saturday, this one was bad and just kept escalating...She has now informed me that she wants a divorce and that basically everything that is wrong with our marriage is my fault...Sex life is no good, I am not emotionally in touch with her, I am a bad person overall...She actually pulled the bad father card too (I do not agree with that one though - I have my flaws but love my children more than life itself)...I guess I knew we had issues, but figured we would continue to work through them...I know I haven't fully met my commitments to this but am not willing to just throw away my marriage over issues that clearly just need a little work...She seems dead set on it and has not even shed a tear over this...I, on the other hand, am a total disaster...I can't sleep, eat, work, and cannot pull myself together emotionally because my feelings are not remotely the same as hers...I want nothing more in life than to fix this, I cherish my wife and my family more than anything in this world...I am not very close with my family and have nothing else but them...Does anyone out there have any thoughts on how to convince her that all we need is help...All the divorce stories I have read on-line are horrific, our issues are not even close...Should a divorce become necessary, I am terrified of not seeing my kids on a regular basis...My wife talks with her friends in another state on a regular basis, and my gut tells me she would move away...Any advice anyone has would be great, I am at a loss.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

How often did she complain about these things before getting to this point?


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## nwdad (Oct 19, 2009)

Off and on but not on a regular basis - she says she had given up on saying anything long ago...This was news to me.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Is she right? I mean, did she say things and you didn't hear or act?

What kind of person is she in general? Strong sense of moral right and wrong?

It is possible that she is in love with the gay friend even though he's not available. He's an "idea". He's what could be and you're not.

You have to try to get her to put the friend away for a while, say, 6 months, and get into therapy. But so long as he's around, you're going to have trouble convincing her of anything.


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## nwdad (Oct 19, 2009)

My wife is very strong willed, one of the things I love most about her...For the most part, she is right...I thought that I was helping to make things better but she just quit communicating to me that I wasn't...obviously she has an emotional connection with this friend that I just cannot compete with...It is a friend that she had lost contact with for years and just now got in touch...The communication that I read led me to other thoughts...Through facebook she has got in touch with a lot of past friends, but seems to be more in touch with this one...Will therapy actually help such things, I have not been down this avenue before


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

I highly doubt the friend is gay. Usually a spouse will attempt to defend their own actions by "throwing" you off the scent. My own ex did this to me but claimed "we're just friends" and "he is a confidant for me". If she is anything like my ex she will protect her interests in keeping her friendship. Probably will want a seperation, will go see her friend, and you can likely predict what that "gay" friend and her will have for a outcome. 

Sorry to come off with my angle but I don't buy it for a second and I don't think you should either.

Everything you stated with her accusations of your behavior sounds pretty textbook to me with the blame game that a cheating spouse uses when they see greener grass, or what they think is greener on the other side of that fence.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I think you should tell her she was right about the things she was right about and tell her you'd like to try to make it up to her and that you'd like to get involved in marriage counseling with her to see why she has turned to someone else with things that needed to go to you -- if you had been more receptive.

You can't become a doormat. You can't blame yourself. You just have to take responsibility for yourself and your past behavior. And you have to take as much control of the future as you can.

She's going to have to give up the other man, but it is too soon to go there. You have to engage her first.


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