# Valentine's Day snub



## RobQ (Mar 1, 2015)

Not sure if this is the correct forum for my initial post. And my topic is not as serious as some but here goes anyway:

Me? 50's man in a long term marriage in what I know from lurking about here is a HD(me) LD(wife) combination - more on that later. I am overly sensitive and a bit passive aggressive but figure at least I recognize that. Certainly I have faults and weaknesses but among my strengths (so I thought) was of being a good romantic gift giver. I have never missed a birthday, anniversary, Christmas or Valentines Day. Every Valentine's Day for at least 30 years I have given my wife a dozen red roses and a box of high quality chocolates. Perhaps stereotypical but what the heck? Anyway, this year by Friday afternoon (Feb 13) I had my card, flowers and chocolate all ready to go. About 4pm I received a text from my wife stating that if I hadn't gotten flowers and chocolate yet she would actually rather have a nice bottle of wine. 

That hurt me to the quick! (overly sensitive, remember?) I figured not only do I now have to run out and get a nice bottle of wine, she really doesn't want the flowers and candy and probably hasn't for the last 25 years. And so on Valentines Day I gave her a nice bottle of wine with flowers and chocolates. The passive aggressive side of me wanted to put the flowers and chocolates in the trash - where she could see them, of course. Her gift to me? A card and my favorite candy bar.

This still bothers me a month later. Am I being over sensitive?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

That is why for valentines day I always get my wife something that I will enjoy too in case she does not like it. Then I am like, "Woo Hoo!, I'll enjoy these!"

If you played your cards like me, you'd have yourself a portable hammock on your side of the closet. You know, because returning it would just be a pain in the ass.  I am pretty sure she will kick me out of it when she see me enjoying at the beach when the weather warms up...


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Yes, should have just bought a bottle of wine and given all three items. Adjust your purchase the following year based on her reaction after she realizes you don't do these preparations at the last minute...


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

A month later did you have to cook your own steak?.
:rofl::rofl:


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## RobQ (Mar 1, 2015)

anonmd said:


> Yes, should have just bought a bottle of wine and given all three items. Adjust your purchase the following year based on her reaction after she realizes you don't do these preparations at the last minute...


That's what I did do - she got all three. So next year it will be some good booze I guess.


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## RobQ (Mar 1, 2015)

jacko jack said:


> A month later did you have to cook your own steak?.
> :rofl::rofl:


Yes indeed, I doubt she knows the accepted protocol for 3/14


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Don't torture yourself with thoughts that she hasn't been enjoying her gifts from you over the years. Learn from this revelation so that you buy her booze in the future. Kudos to you for always being so thoughtful over the years. You do sound like a sensitive man and this probably makes you over-analyse situations a little - I can be a bit like that myself. Your wife probably isn't - she's not being mean, just a little thoughtless considering how sensitive you are. I've learned that being so analytical in this way means that you need to be a little bit kinder to yourself - don't beat yourself up over stuff so much. And, well done for being such a romantic and thoughtful husband.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Maybe she has loved the flowers and chocolate but after so many years she thought wine would be nice? Sounds like you may be reading a lot into this that isn't there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

doobie said:


> Don't torture yourself with thoughts that she hasn't been enjoying her gifts from you over the years. Learn from this revelation so that you buy her booze in the future. Kudos to you for always being so thoughtful over the years. You do sound like a sensitive man and this probably makes you over-analyse situations a little - I can be a bit like that myself. Your wife probably isn't - she's not being mean, just a little thoughtless considering how sensitive you are. I've learned that being so analytical in this way means that you need to be a little bit kinder to yourself - don't beat yourself up over stuff so much. And, well done for being such a romantic and thoughtful husband.


Agree with this whole heartedly. But I sense that you will have lingering disappointment over this episode. Let's explore why that might be.

From the comments about the candy bar and the steak, my hunch is that you feel she doesn't reciprocate gift-giving or kindness in a way that you feel completely mirrors your effort on this front.

Now, you find out that your standard "go-to" gift doesn't trip her trigger anymore. You have realized that all your effort over the years just may not have been earning you the "husband points" that you thought you had been putting in the bank. This may be the source of your resentment. You have engaged in what is called "covert contracts" in the world of "No More Mr. Nice Guy." You give her gifts trying to curry her favor. You follow the script to the T. And yet, she remains low drive while you are still high drive and left feeling short-changed even after checking all the Hallmark "good husband" boxes associated with Valentine's Day.

Let me tell you. She probably loved the flowers and chocolates the first couple of years of your relationship. Maybe even appreciated them for the decade after that. 

But let me ask you a tough question: "How much thought goes into giving a person the same thing, year after year after year?" The hallmark of romance is thoughtfulness. At some point, giving the same thing year-after-year is the opposite of romantic. It's duty driven and delivers a message contrary to the true notion of romance.

Believe me, I'm no Don Juan. But I do know that a good marketer has to try to learn and understand their audience. The good news is that she's trying to reach out and give you some breadcrumbs to communicate to you that some creativity in gift - giving would have more of an impact than just re-hashing some retailers' vision of romance yet again.

I encourage you to think about the other gift occasions that you've "never missed." Do you follow gift formulas there, as well? You may view this as a wake-up call to put some fresh thinking into future gifting opportunities. Sometimes, the thought behind a gift is more meaningful than the price tag used to acquire that gift.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MarriedTex said:


> Agree with this whole heartedly. But I sense that you will have lingering disappointment over this episode. Let's explore why that might be.
> 
> From the comments about the candy bar and the steak, my hunch is that you feel she doesn't reciprocate gift-giving or kindness in a way that you feel completely mirrors your effort on this front.
> 
> ...



That's a really great point. You don't actually have to know anything about your partner to do the same thing every year. Not that I'm knocking flowers and chocolates, especially dark chocolates.


Speaking for myself I never get my hb the same thing, I just think about what he needs that he won't think to get. This year I got him an ice pack specifically for the knee, since we're both runners and he's been having knee problems. He loves it and puts it on after every run.

The year he got his new car I got him a license place frame for his favorite college football team; it went on the car within 5 minutes. Small gifts for sure but he says I've given him the best gifts he's ever gotten precisely they're thought out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RobQ (Mar 1, 2015)

doobie said:


> Don't torture yourself with thoughts that she hasn't been enjoying her gifts from you over the years. Learn from this revelation so that you buy her booze in the future. Kudos to you for always being so thoughtful over the years. You do sound like a sensitive man and this probably makes you over-analyse situations a little - I can be a bit like that myself. Your wife probably isn't - she's not being mean, just a little thoughtless considering how sensitive you are. I've learned that being so analytical in this way means that you need to be a little bit kinder to yourself - don't beat yourself up over stuff so much. And, well done for being such a romantic and thoughtful husband.


Thanks for a good analysis of the situation doobie.


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## RobQ (Mar 1, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> That's a really great point. You don't actually have to know anything about your partner to do the same thing every year. Not that I'm knocking flowers and chocolates, especially dark chocolates.
> 
> 
> Speaking for myself I never get my hb the same thing, I just think about what he needs that he won't think to get. This year I got him an ice pack specifically for the knee, since we're both runners and he's been having knee problems. He loves it and puts it on after every run.
> ...


I get it about the same thing every year - I guess I thought that was the deal with Valentines Day. In fact when I bought the roses the young woman florist said "somebody is very luck!" I will know better next year.

Certainly I haven't been so predictable with the other gift giving days. 

Will have to let it go. Anyway I am off the hook for gift giving until August anniversary.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

I purchased nothing for my wife this Valentine's Day. It was the most liberating day of my marriage. I look forward to Mother's Day when I'll buy her nothing again.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Rob,

This is the perfect vehicle to improve your marriage. 

Tell her you're glad she was honest about what she wanted and that you'd like to know if you have any other misconceptions about her likes/dislikes. 

Don't make that conversation about you - make it about her.





RobQ said:


> Not sure if this is the correct forum for my initial post. And my topic is not as serious as some but here goes anyway:
> 
> Me? 50's man in a long term marriage in what I know from lurking about here is a HD(me) LD(wife) combination - more on that later. I am overly sensitive and a bit passive aggressive but figure at least I recognize that. Certainly I have faults and weaknesses but among my strengths (so I thought) was of being a good romantic gift giver. I have never missed a birthday, anniversary, Christmas or Valentines Day. Every Valentine's Day for at least 30 years I have given my wife a dozen red roses and a box of high quality chocolates. Perhaps stereotypical but what the heck? Anyway, this year by Friday afternoon (Feb 13) I had my card, flowers and chocolate all ready to go. About 4pm I received a text from my wife stating that if I hadn't gotten flowers and chocolate yet she would actually rather have a nice bottle of wine.
> 
> ...


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

There can be a certain element of "check the boxes" to the typical red roses and chocolates for Valentines. Especially, if your wife isn't much for red roses. I'm not, personally. Which means that telling my husband over and over what my favorite flowers were and that while red roses are pretty they don't make me melt, just wasn't sinking in. He was busy checking the roses-and-chocolates box, rather than really paying attention to _me_. He was buying the stock gift he would have bought any woman. 

OP, are red roses your wife's favorite flower? If not, figure out what is and give her those next time. It will show you're paying attention to _her_, rather than to some stereotype of what women "should" like. That's bound to be appealing to her.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

RobQ said:


> That's what I did do - she got all three. So next year it will be some good booze I guess.


And next year don't be passive aggressive- tell her what YOU want for Valentine's Day.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

If you have a tendancy towards sensitivity my guess is it is compounded by insecurity within the marriage if you are also struggling with sexual incompatibility. 

Pull back from the gift giving and shows of affection if they are simply setting you up for an emotional rollercoaster an over-reliance on her for your own sense of self worth. Not permanantly or out of passive aggressive spite but just when in doubt take the mininalist option. 

Work on your own identity. Shows of devotion can be endearing but also self-defeating and seen as needy. If you are oversensetive and or insecure you are probably not great at distguishing between the two.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

RobQ said:


> I get it about the same thing every year - I guess I thought that was the deal with Valentines Day. In fact when I bought the roses the young woman florist said "somebody is very luck!" I will know better next year.
> 
> Certainly I haven't been so predictable with the other gift giving days.
> 
> Will have to let it go. Anyway I am off the hook for gift giving until August anniversary.



Don't think for a minute that flowers and chocolates aren't awesome, they are! Maybe she just decided wine would be nice.

Don't worry so much. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Well as much as It disturbs me when people _*order*_ their presents. I often ask what they are interested in and I keep my Amazon wish list populated. 

I do smell a bit of a love language conflict. Your wife is pretty smart, she just didn't handle the timing well. She knows you express love by giving gifts. She figured out a way to combine your language with hers. She asked you to spend some time with her drinking the gift you bought for her. Can you do as well? Next year ask her out for a Valentines Date. You can plan that as easily as you plan a gift. Then she will know the schedule.

MN


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Not that it matters but, I loath Valentines Day AND Sweetest Day.
In the 25 years I've known my wife, to the best of my knowledge I have never given her a gift on those days. I don't need some creative corporate marketing suit telling me when I need to give my SO a gift and or what it should be. F$ck em.

Like I tell my kids, "at our house, everyday is Christmas."


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Really!? You are upset because she merely asked you to get some wine if you hadn't already gotten a gift and then actually contemplated throwing them in the trash so she could see them? Dude!, Man up a bit. You should have been happy she told you what she wanted. And I suspect she enjoyed the bottle of wine with you. Get a grip and stop perseverating on something so trivial a month later.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

RobQ said:


> This still bothers me a month later. Am I being over sensitive?


Yes. Way too sensitive. Be glad she's willing to tell you preferences like this, because a lot of us have to play guessing games.

Besides --- Wine goes with chocolate like beer goes with pizza.


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## RobQ (Mar 1, 2015)

KanDo said:


> Really!? You are upset because she merely asked you to get some wine if you hadn't already gotten a gift and then actually contemplated throwing them in the trash so she could see them? Dude!, Man up a bit. You should have been happy she told you what she wanted. And I suspect she enjoyed the bottle of wine with you. Get a grip and stop perseverating on something so trivial a month later.


The problem was that I got this message about 4pm on Friday. She knows I seldom get home on Fridays until 7pm or so. Perhaps is she let me in on this little tidbit a few days or a few years earlier it would have been a bit more helpful.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Going against the crowd here, OP it would upset me and TBH she comes across as very insensitive.

IMO as the receiver of a gift you should be humble and happy that your spouse went out of their way. Putting in an order for a particular gift is crass and really if she likes wine that much she could have got you a bottle to share for VD.

There is nothing wrong with flowers and chocolates for VD, it is sweet and loving.

Will go a bit OT here but you mentioned the HD/LD issue, sounds like you are being set up for lots of resentment building up while she gets to sit back and not be a giver, just a taker and one that orders her own gifts at that. Not good, not balanced and a resentment implosion in the making.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

I think you're being sensitive.

My mind immediately went to: bottle of wine = she wants to have sex with you. And then, that she wants something you both can share on V Day.

Maybe she let you know a little late. Tell her that. And if you would like a gift on V day tell her that too.


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## justfabulous (Feb 9, 2014)

I'd be curious to know whether the two of you shared the bottle of wine that night, and if so, did you make love that evening?

Sometimes LD women like to have a glass (or three ) of wine to help put them in the mood before sex. I've heard men here say that bothers them because they feel like their wife has to be drunk to have sex with them. Maybe that's the case for some, but for a lot of women, a drink or two just helps her relax sufficiently, shut her mind off, and be able to just let go and get into it. A lot of times women who are low drive are that way because they feel stressed, preoccupied, pulled in too many directions, etc. So a drink just helps them mellow out and get back in touch with their sensual self. That's not a bad thing. So, in anticipation of your evening together, your wife may have thought a few glasses of wine would be nice to set the mood for what would come later. In which case, she was actually thinking ahead and had sex on her mind. Now, if you _didn't _have sex that night, I guess that wasn't it...

I'm not low drive, but during a phase in my life where I was building a business and was continuously over worked and stressed, I used to like to have (perhaps even _need_) a glass of wine leading up to sex to get me back in touch with my sensual self. It helped to shut off all the chatter in my mind, relax me after a long day of work and enable me to shift gears so I could really focus on what was happening between us and get into it. This didn't in any way indicate that I was dreading being with my husband, far from it. I wanted to be able to leave the worries of he day behind so I could be fully present in the moment with him. 

Maybe this is why the thought of a bottle of wine came to her at 4pm that evening? She was starting to anticipate having sex that night, she wanted to be in the right mood since it was Valentines Day, and the idea of sipping a glass of wine to get into a relaxed, sensual state seemed really appealing. Only you know whether that theory might fit, but figured I'd throw it out there. 

~~~

Apart from that, whether that theory fits or not, are you being too sensitive? I wouldn't say that. I understand your feelings and I think they're valid. Some guys wouldn't be bothered by this, and other guys would have a similar reaction to yours. Neither is right or wrong._ But I also think you need to just let it go now._ If you are having trouble with that and if its still really bothering you, then maybe you need to examine whether there is _something deeper beneath the surface _that has caused this particular incident to touch a nerve. Sometimes when "small" things like this bother us, its actually indicative of a larger issue that's been buried. All the more so if you are wondering why you are so bothered. 

I do agree that your wife could have found a sweeter way to communicate that preference to you. I also agree that placing an order for a gift is somewhat abrasive, unless specifically asked; and if she's going to do that perhaps she should also put a little more thought and effort into her VDay treat for you. Many women would love for their husband to be thoughtful enough to bring them roses and chocolate, especially after 30 years. A lot of women get nothing on VDay. So she may seem somewhat unappreciative. But MEM also makes a great point that this is an opportunity to open up the doors of communication, and its a positive indicator that she feels secure enough in the relationship to let you know her preference. Some spouses keep little things like this to themselves and then develop resentment because you didn't read their mind. So, to sum it up - I think your feelings are perfectly valid, but you've given them time to run their course, now its time to let it go -- or at least examine what else might be going on below the surface if this continues to bother you.


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## Nemo9nemo (Aug 16, 2013)

Op, I think you're sweetest HB on earth. I don't get it how some wf would not appreciate your thoughtfulness , maybe after years of same giftings, she perhaps should've suggest what she prefers for next occasion. My HB is the opposite, the most insensitive man on earth, he didnt even have birthday gift or card for my 40th birthday,after 15 years together, I turn 40, I think that's my biggest birthday ever as I seriously feel old at 40 while I feel nothing much in life I've accomplished even though Ive a good career and good part time job. 
One time I told HB not to hide away my vase but instead put some flowers in.guess what?? It's been 5 months ago since I said that, my vase is still empty and I haven't been bothered myself to place in flowers. I think you do great, maybe just need to check out with your wf what gifts she like


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## RobQ (Mar 1, 2015)

just fabulous,

Thanks for such a detailed answer. Sadly no, there was no sex after wine on VD eve - I am quite certain that was not her plan. The wine was added to the wine rack. And for those who want to know it is a Cakebread Savignon Blanc (a favorite of hers dating back to a Napa Valley vacation)

Typically we only have sex in the morning - her preference again. She goes to bed early with a book as was the case that evening. I think the wine just makes her sleepy!!


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Rob, how frequently do you and your wife have sex? Are you content with that frequency? I know you started a thread about a VD snub, but we all know this is deeper than that. You are being too shy to ask what you really want to ask. Stop beating around the bush and ask away.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

RobQ said:


> Not sure if this is the correct forum for my initial post. And my topic is not as serious as some but here goes anyway:
> 
> Me? 50's man in a long term marriage in what I know from lurking about here is a HD(me) LD(wife) combination - more on that later. I am overly sensitive and a bit passive aggressive but figure at least I recognize that. Certainly I have faults and weaknesses but among my strengths (so I thought) was of being a good romantic gift giver. I have never missed a birthday, anniversary, Christmas or Valentines Day. Every Valentine's Day for at least 30 years I have given my wife a dozen red roses and a box of high quality chocolates. Perhaps stereotypical but what the heck? Anyway, this year by Friday afternoon (Feb 13) I had my card, flowers and chocolate all ready to go. About 4pm I received a text from my wife stating that if I hadn't gotten flowers and chocolate yet she would actually rather have a nice bottle of wine.
> 
> ...


I haven't read the other replies, but I imagine mine might echo some others:

30 years of the same gift every year. Enough said.

It IS actually romantic when you think of it, but at the same time, people do want to have a little change. Mix it up. It's thoughtful, but it's not THOUGHTFUL, if that makes any sense.

Every Valentine's day for the last 30 years, she knows exactly what she's getting. Some people DO like that, many do not. And to her, perhaps she's seeing it as you just going through the motions, same as last year, and the year before that, and 1989...

Honestly, it took her 29 years to say something, which is impressive. That's about 27 more years than my wife would have taken to say to me "Seriously? 3 years in a row?!?"


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Rob, how frequently do you and your wife have sex? Are you content with that frequency? I know you started a thread about a VD snub, but we all know this is deeper than that. You are being too shy to ask what you really want to ask. Stop beating around the bush and ask away.


Plan9, you're definitely on to something here. Resentment oozes through all of Rob's posts: He's a good guy that dutifully gives gifts, with consistency through the years and creativity when it is called upon.

Yet, his wife's response is disappointing to him. He gets a candy bar, no sex and a seeming lack of appreciation for his efforts on V-Day. It bugs him a month later, possibly, because it's a microcosm of the larger relationship. He gives, he gets muted response from her - mostly on her terms (i.e. sex in the morning.)

I hate to go back to the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" well, but it seems that Rob may be engaging in what that book calls "covert contracts." He gives gifts dutifully and expecting to be treated with kindness in return. Nothing astonishing about that, of course. The problem with covert contracts comes when nice guys make silent deals (inside their own heads) saying to the effect "if I do something for her then she will be nicer to me and show that she loves me." The problem, of course, is that his expectations are never actually communicated to the wife. When the wife fails to read husband's mind and fails to execute on the terms of the covert contract, the nice guy husband gets mad and resentful.

That's what we have with Rob. He's fed up that he hasn't gotten the return he expects from his covert contract investments. 

Rob, let us know if this sounds about right. If so, we can delve more deeply into a discussion of nice guy characteristics and how they can harm a relationship.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

RobQ said:


> Sadly no, there was no sex after wine on VD eve - I am quite certain that was not her plan. The wine was added to the wine rack.
> She goes to bed early with a book as was the case that evening. I think the wine just makes her sleepy!!


Well, so much for my interpretation. You are right she can buy her own presents. Oh, I'm just angry at that response. Of course now she can look at the bottle every day and know you cared enough to take special orders. 

Surprise her with something different next year. 

MN


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Yeah, I'd say that you really being over-sensitive here. At least she told you what she wanted. My wife won't tell me a damned thing and makes me guess what she wants. That pisses me off.


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## RobQ (Mar 1, 2015)

Again, thanks for all well thought out replies.

I think there may be something to the "covert contract" idea. So perhaps what I will do is simply tune down the gift giving. The next one for us in anniversary in the summer. Usually would be a big ticket item - jewelry perhaps. Will downstage this next gift and see what happens.

In my defense, it would seem that flowers and candy are the traditional VD gift. I don't give the same thing on other occasions.

The majority seems to think I have been oversensitive. So I will just let it go!


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Rowan said:


> There can be a certain element of "check the boxes" to the typical red roses and chocolates for Valentines. Especially, if your wife isn't much for red roses. I'm not, personally. Which means that telling my husband over and over what my favorite flowers were and that while red roses are pretty they don't make me melt, just wasn't sinking in. He was busy checking the roses-and-chocolates box, rather than really paying attention to _me_. He was buying the stock gift he would have bought any woman.
> 
> OP, are red roses your wife's favorite flower? If not, figure out what is and give her those next time. It will show you're paying attention to _her_, rather than to some stereotype of what women "should" like. That's bound to be appealing to her.


:iagree:

I actually HATE roses. My favorite flower is daisies, which you can get a bouquet of at the dollar store for about $3. Way cheaper, smell better, and much prettier, IMO. 

I think you are way overthinking this. I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt your feelings. She was just being honest, in that she felt like a bottle of wine this year. Let it go.

Next year do some digging and find out if there is something special she would like, before you buy your gifts.


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