# The trust is gone



## lonelyNdepressed (Oct 21, 2009)

I have been married for almost 7 yrs. and me and my husband have had some problems over the years...when we first got married i was taking care of all the bills and money in the house...but i lost my job and my husband got hurt and was only getting half his pay...we were always behind on the bills..so i started to pay the bills with credit cards and then it got out of control to where i put us in debit...i finally told my husband what was going on and he got mad but i didn't tell him everything and as days went on he found out the rest..he got so mad he asked me to leave and that he wanted a divorce...i got so scared and went to stay with my parents..well after 5 days he asked me to move back home...then a year later i started to get into trouble with the bills again and got behind in them again..this time i didn't use anything to pay them i told my husband and again got mad and threatened divorce...again we worked it out.. 
this has gone on every year for the last 6 yrs..i would get behind in the bills and not know how to tell my husband so i would hide it from him until it got out of control or until he caught me...and each and everytime he threatened me with divorce...the last time this happened he told me that he wasn't theartening me the next time...the next time he was just going to get a divorce...my husband has taken the bills away from me but soon or later i start paying again...Well it happened again and this time i took money from his 401K to try and pay all the late bills...he found out and now has asked for a divorce and in a week we had a lawyer and are having a agreement written up...it's been about a month now and we are still living together till nov.6th...he has said that i am a habitual lier and that how do you have a marriage without trust...i am going to theraphy now to try and work on the fact that i hide and lie about things but i have promised that before and when thing got good again i stopped going....but this time i am getting help..
living with him right now is so hard because he is just so cold to me and is cutting me out of every part of his life...it breaks my heart everytime...we are telling our kids on monday and i am so nervous and scared to tell them..i just wish that he can give me another chance.....


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## Ilovemyfeelings (Oct 20, 2009)

Wow...Do you have ADHD...attention deficit disorder?...This can make you unorganized and put things off for awhile ..and miss things all together.. So did you just sit around and let them be late? or did you take the money and buy cloths, jewelry ect...If this has happen over the years why doesn't HE just take the bills over...CAN'T HE DO THEM?..There no reason for DIVORCE...because you can't pay the bills...I would just take over the money...this is what you call partnership...if one can't do it...then the other must...right?

Good luck


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## lonelyNdepressed (Oct 21, 2009)

no i never spent the money on things like that..it's just that we are 2 really bad overspenders and that at the end of every month we were always short..so the bills would pile up and get way behind because each month we were short and i couldn't catch up..he would take over for awhile but soon or later he didn't want to handle them and then i would take over...he says it's not about the money...it is the fact that i have lied to him so much and that i hid things from him...he feels i am a habitual lier and he doesn't trust me


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

The bills and budget need to be handled as a couple. Especially if you are both over spenders. Ilovemyfeelings is correct, divorce will only exacerbate the financial issues. If you husband is willing and loves you discuss working out a budget together. Get a financial counselor involved to help. Be open an honest with him in everything to try and earn the trust back but he also needs to understand that you were trying to handle the finances.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I'm sorry I wouldn't give you another chance, either. Taking money from his 401K? :-(

You had years to deal with the problem and didn't. Cutting you loose will be better for the bottom line in the long run.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

dobo said:


> You had years to deal with the problem and didn't. Cutting you loose will be better for the bottom line in the long run.


Is this a financial decision or a decision to try and save a marriage. :scratchhead:


Lonely, you've made some big mistakes, learn from them. Your husband is in this mindset because you have failed in the past and hid it. Don't make that mistake again, you are in a zero tolerance situation. If there is still love in the relationship work on the budget and trust together and it may come out OK. Talk to him. Good luck.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I'm sorry but having been lied to about finances for more years than I can say, leaving my husband was the best thing I could have done for my family.


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## lonelyNdepressed (Oct 21, 2009)

i understand where you are coming from dobo...but i was always scared that my husband was going to divorce me if he found out and that i was scared to tell him because he had always threatend divorce in the past....i am going to try and talk with him tonight...but i feel like he is so fed up with me that he won't even care what i have to say....but i have to try and talk to him because i can't walk away not saying anything...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Good luck. I don't know what you can do, really. He probably feels like you stole from him. And then the lies and covering up... For me, the 401K would have definitely been the last straw. (I assume this was a loan though, right? You didn't w/draw and take a penalty and tax hit, did you?)


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## lonelyNdepressed (Oct 21, 2009)

he does feel like i stole from...but he has asked me from time to time to take money from his 401K...it's just about 3 different times i didn't tell him i was...WE have withdrawn alot of money from his 401K together but the last months was really bad finacialy and we needed the extra money but again he feels i stole and lied to him


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Gotta say though, that a lot rests on his head. He knew you weren't good at this.

Does he feel any responsibility for where things are? Granted, pointing it out to him probably wouldn't help you much. But if he's at all fair-minded, he has to acknowledge that he allowed this to occur by not checking up and following up on things.


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## lonelyNdepressed (Oct 21, 2009)

see that's the thing he blames this all on me....he says because he knows how much he makes and he knows our bills we should have never had a problem...however if he really did know that then he would know we couldn't afford to do the things we were doing.....for awhile there i was getting depressed when he would get mad and not talk to me that i started taking perscriptions drugs...didn't get addticted but taking more then perscribed and he also got mad about that too..this last time i was soo stressed out that i wwent to my doctor to get a prescription and didn't tell him because i was in alot of physcial pain but knew he would get mad if i got pills for the pain.....see i do have problems but the thing is..is that my husband swears he was there for me during those time but the way he there for me was to tell me that this was my problem and that i have to deal with it..he didn't even want me to mention his name to my therapist because it was my problem not our problem


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Um... may I ask why you want to be married to someone like that? Maybe this is your subconscious way of getting him out of your life because he's clearly a very cold person.

Have you and your therapist discussed how getting out of this marriage may actually be a good thing for you? 

There hasn't been any physical violence, has there? Just from what you're saying, there has been emotional abuse. I wouldn't be surprised if there were physical abuse as well.


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## lonelyNdepressed (Oct 21, 2009)

No i can honestly say there was never any physical abuse..trust me been there done that with the guy i was with before my husband....i know that my husband can be very cold when things are going wrong and i get caught in a lie...but when we move passed it we are really good together...i know what i have done wrong in this marriage and finally getting the help i need...but i fear so much that he just won't give me another chance...it's like the straw that broke the camels back.....that's where i fear wwe are at....because i knew sooner or later enough was going to be enough...but i'm doing really good in threapy and know that i can be more open and honest with him from now on...just afarid it's too late


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

The things you stated to me do not indicate a good husband. At least some of your behavior is directly related to the way he treats you.

Next time you see your therapist, discuss these things. Maybe they'll open your eyes a bit. All you seem to see is what you've done wrong. Your self-esteem is in the basement and I suspect that is not completely about money.


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## lonelyNdepressed (Oct 21, 2009)

no it's definatly not about the money..it's about the lies and the hiding....and this is one of the reasons i am in therapy is because my self esteem is really shot and i seem to be withdrawn and willing to go with whatever my husband wants and that is not the woman he married...i use to be strong and seld assured but ever since i lied and messed up the very first time i just got very withdrawn and nervous about what he was going to do if i messed up again....we were never able to communicate with each other and if he would just sit down and talk things out i think we could work this out..


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## Ilovemyfeelings (Oct 20, 2009)

lonelyNdepressed said:


> no it's definatly not about the money..it's about the lies and the hiding....and this is one of the reasons i am in therapy is because my self esteem is really shot and i seem to be withdrawn and willing to go with whatever my husband wants and that is not the woman he married...i use to be strong and seld assured but ever since i lied and messed up the very first time i just got very withdrawn and nervous about what he was going to do if i messed up again....we were never able to communicate with each other and if he would just sit down and talk things out i think we could work this out..



Hi LonelyNdepressed,

Yes it is all about the money!!!!!...because he has put you in making the choices and decisions. If you both are NOT making enough MONEY to have FUN...then clearly this is his fault too...HE CAN NOT BLAME you for this snowball effect. This was going to happen NO matter what...and NOW you have become the LAIR????...PLEASE...to me....HE set YOU up...and he wants to make you feel bad...because HE has a problem too..."overspending" and NOT knowing how to budget.

There are some STATES that YOU can run get a DIVORCE IN A FAST TIMELY MANNER...then there are some states that make you wait a year....lol. and where I'm from...it's cost a pretty 
penny....sorry just talking off me head here..

You both NEED help! Learning how to deal with money...since you are NOT making enough to enjoy life...YOUR NOT a LIAR..you just didn't want to GET IN TROUBLE...so he stuck 
U in that fear based situation...and HE knew you were going to LIE!!!..... YOU didn't have a choice...because he was going to get upset NO matter what...

this is THE communication ....where there is FEAR about the finances...IF you have FEAR...THEN WHY NOT LIE?...

He's a LIAR TOO...for going out and OVERSPENDING too...

What does he say to his self, when he DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO DO THINGS???? ...he lies to him self...and spends money he doesn't have...

NO...you guys are NOT good for each other...because you both can't trust one another...sorry...HE GOT you in a mess...THAT HE put his own self IN....

good luck


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Why are you so scared of him? 
What hs stopped you guys from developing a budget and sticking to it?
Have you ever seen financial advisors?
Were you always bad with money?
Do you earn your own money?
What do you want to happen?
Does he love you?
Do you love him?


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## lonelyNdepressed (Oct 21, 2009)

I'm scared because everytime something went wrong he threatened me with a divorce and i don't want that..

We never develpoed a budget because he felt he knows his finances but never want to contiune to do the bills.

We have both been bad with money...it's just he doesn't hide the fact he spends and i try to cover up the fact that we didn't have the money

i did earn my own money...not as much as him but i did have a job...just lost it 3 weeks ago...you know when it rains it pours

i want another chance with my husband but he feels that enough is enough

I think he loves me but he's so blinded by anger that he doesn't feel love for me right now

i love him so very much


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You say every time something went wrong he threatened divorce... Do you mean anything that went wrong could trigger this threat? Not just about money?


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## lonelyNdepressed (Oct 21, 2009)

well that was the only problem we ever had was the money issues


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Really?


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## lonelyNdepressed (Oct 21, 2009)

Yes....why??


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I don't know, but it surprises me that all of this would be caused by a single issue.


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## lonelyNdepressed (Oct 21, 2009)

Now you know how i feel...i know i made mistakes in this marriage but to get a divorce..i don't feel i deserve that...the problems we have can all be worked out but my husband has had enough... 

i spoke with him last night and told him that i was going to threaphy and looking for a good paying job so can contribute more to the family and to just hold onto the divorce papers and that if something else went wrong then to fine sign them....i told him i'll even keep sleeping on the couch until he feels he can trust me again...and to just think about it..

he said "what you don't think i thought about this before i decided"

i said well you said you decided that night you saw the account that you were going to divorce me...and to just think about it


i mean he found out and then told me to have a lawyer in 4 days....i feel because he said the last tiime that the next time this happens he was just going for the divorce...that's what he's doing...i think he found out alot of information fast and made a split second decision


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

And there are no signs that anything else is going on?


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

I must admit I think living under the threat of divorce continually is a emotional abuse -


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## lonelyNdepressed (Oct 21, 2009)

I know what your getting at dobo...and i believe there is no cheating or anything going on....it has crossed my mind...but my husband is a good family man and wouldn't do that...beside i snoop...

the last year me and my husband were very happy and in love....we were getting close again...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

LOL! You made me laugh with the "besides I snoop" comment. A lot, in fact.

Good to hear there is nothing else going on.

Did you ask him if he'd go to counseling with you?


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## lonelyNdepressed (Oct 21, 2009)

When i was going to my therapist in the past he never wanted me to mention his name because it was MY problem not his or ours...my therapist wanted to meet with him but he wouldn't go because of like i said...

Glad i made you laugh...look i'm going through a divorce i gotta make sure i'm not getting screwed

I may not want this divorce but i have to protect me and my kids


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

What are his plans in terms of the kids? 

Has he moved out of the house?

Get yourself a lawyer and find out what the rules are where you live. Be prepared.


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## lonelyNdepressed (Oct 21, 2009)

the day he told me...he told me that he spoke to a divorce lawyer and that he wanted a divorce and that i needed to have a lawyer in 4 days or him and his lawyer were going to take me to court and hit me hard and fast...still trying to figure out what that means....
well a week later we meet with a mediator and settled on an agreement

oh yea...what i found out is that he had a free consultation with this lawyer and didn't even give her a retainer...so really he didn't have a lawyer yet...just spoke to someone



me and the kids are moving out in 2 weeks but i had until december...but i have to leave it's just too hard staying here with him and him being so cold as he's being

he gets the kids 3 weekends out of the month

that's another thing i gave up alot in this divorce..i didn't screw myself but gave up alot..first he expected me too

second i didn't want to break him finacially because then i wouldn't get anything out of him for my child..i'm going through that problem with one of my kids and i knew that if i took everything i was intitled too i would hurt him...i only took a little and already going to hurt him...cause i know what he makes and i know how much this house costs us each month 


so if i found out something was going on with another woman...trust me i would contest that agreement and hit him hard and fast...lol


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You and the kids are moving out? What kind of man is he? He should be moving out.

Why didn't you get a lawyer? Someone to fight for you? This man is treating you horribly, even given what you did. And the kids, too!!!

I really do not like your husband.

There is something else going on... someone else. Something.

Is that mediated agreement signed in blood? Can you have a lawyer look it over?


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## Ilovemyfeelings (Oct 20, 2009)

lonelyNdepressed said:


> When i was going to my therapist in the past he never wanted me to mention his name because it was MY problem not his or ours...my therapist wanted to meet with him but he wouldn't go because of like i said...
> 
> Glad i made you laugh...look i'm going through a divorce i gotta make sure i'm not getting screwed
> 
> I may not want this divorce but i have to protect me and my kids


All because of MONEY....that's sad....sorry but a smart person would work on this...NOT give it all away over MONEY...BUT you two need help...and you need help NOW with yourself esteem...he has made you feel like a failure and a liar...


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## lonelyNdepressed (Oct 21, 2009)

Dobo i gave him the house because the house is over mortgaged and too expensive....i could not afford it and can't sell it right now i wouldn't get anything for it...so let him deal with it..

trust me i'm coming out of this better than he is..the mediator went over everything and i got the better deal...


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## lonelyNdepressed (Oct 21, 2009)

I want to know how my husband can just go from loving me one day to hating me the next because i made a mistake...i understand that i made alot of mistakes in this marriage but to hate me as much as he does right now i can't understand...

I love him soo very much...this is hurting so much how he can just cut me out of every part of his life as if he doesn't care about me at all..


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## Ilovemyfeelings (Oct 20, 2009)

lonelyNdepressed said:


> I want to know how my husband can just go from loving me one day to hating me the next because i made a mistake...i understand that i made alot of mistakes in this marriage but to hate me as much as he does right now i can't understand...
> 
> I love him soo very much...this is hurting so much how he can just cut me out of every part of his life as if he doesn't care about me at all..


Because men are taught to NOT feel or have emotions...so the best thing for him to do is hate you....

my husband decided to love me up until Aug. of 2009....so what did I do different in 2009 ....nothing...lol...

they are SELFISH....


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## Stephanaie (Aug 24, 2010)

I think that it's very sad that your husband threw you under the bus over and over again. He washes his hands of any responsibility when it comes to paying the bills yet he continues to pass the buck to you, KNOWING FULL WELL that you have issues keeping up....not to ignore the fact that there has to be REASONS that you fear telling him stuff.... He can pretend you're the only problem in the realationship all he wants but someone need to get this dude a mirror.
You're better off without him! And if you're still with him, lean in a little closer so I can knock you in the side of the head


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