# Family Issues



## Lrentz (Jul 3, 2015)

Ah I'm not sure I'm allowed to write here about this, but will try since I've always gotten honest opinions here.

I have a little gift giving situation in my immediate family. My parents buy us way too many things. They recently visited my sister out of state and bought me and my kids clothes worth a year or maybe even 2. My sister also sent me a very expensive outfit worth 400. I def did not send her anything that expensive, but put a lot of thought into mine. I did not get a thankyou from her or even an acknowledgment. Just an outfit worth 400 bucks, which I know is sorta beyond her means. She hardly ever even talks to me, yet I got this expensive gift that def blew my gift out of the water. I'm having a hard time what to make of it, but it made me feel guilty and inferior. This also isn't the first time she has done that. She loves to shock and awe with her gifts. Why she can't stick to a gift worth the same amount as mine, I don't know. 

My mom doesn't really expect anything in return from me just that I feel like it's a control thing. I'm the youngest in the family so I am bossed around by them a bit. I feel like I can't buy the clothes that I wanted to buy coz our closets are full now. She also constantly is cooking for us, but my kids don't really love her food, but are forced to eat it coz who wants to waste food. She is also impossible to say no to. Only things she wants is we keep visiting her (atleast twice a week, more in her ideal world) I'm tired of making excuses as to why I can't visit. I feel like it causes me so much anxiety. I mean I have 3 kids and a party time job. 

I feel terribly guilty and like a bad daughter as she was always there for me as a kid and now I am not doing the same for her. Do I just suck it up and be okay with the gifts?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Maybe gift giving is their love language and therefore it's the way they show their love. You don't have to keep them all if you don't like all of them. Sell some or give them away.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Lrentz said:


> Ah I'm not sure I'm allowed to write here about this, but will try since I've always gotten honest opinions here.
> 
> I have a little gift giving situation in my immediate family. My parents buy us way too many things. They recently visited my sister out of state and bought me and my kids clothes worth a year or maybe even 2. My sister also sent me a very expensive outfit worth 400. I def did not send her anything that expensive, but put a lot of thought into mine. I did not get a thankyou from her or even an acknowledgment. Just an outfit worth 400 bucks, which I know is sorta beyond her means. She hardly ever even talks to me, yet I got this expensive gift that def blew my gift out of the water. I'm having a hard time what to make of it, but it made me feel guilty and inferior. This also isn't the first time she has done that. She loves to shock and awe with her gifts. Why she can't stick to a gift worth the same amount as mine, I don't know.
> 
> ...


It’s hard to be sure but I get a sense of control issues here.

The parents are injecting themselves into your life, bossing you around, cooking, giving gifts, and whatever else. But it’s not without a price (you need to comply with their wishes and maintain a high level of visits)

You have 3 kids so I’ll assume you’re a grown woman. 
Start setting boundaries and enforce them. Start, for example, by saying you’ll visit once per week on Saturday. Not more. And don’t accept gifts unless it’s for a specific gift-giving holiday.

Get it out of your head about comparing your sisters gift-giving ability to your own, just be yourself and let the chips fall where they may. You’ll drive yourself nuts trying to keep up with other family members.

And like @Diana7 said, sell off or give away some of those things you don’t want or can’t use. They are yours now to do with what you want. The gift-giver has no voice about what you do with them. Do it with a clear conscious.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> It’s hard to be sure but I get a sense of control issues here.
> 
> The parents are injecting themselves into your life, bossing you around, cooking, giving gifts, and whatever else. But it’s not without a price (you need to comply with their wishes and maintain a high level of visits)


Not necessarily, I am very close with my bestie's daughter, since she was 4 days old, and I like to spoil her. She's a good girl and she deserves it. No control issues here, I just love her, that's all. If i couldn't afford it and could only give a card, it wouldn't matter one iota.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

frusdil said:


> Not necessarily, I am very close with my bestie's daughter, since she was 4 days old, and I like to spoil her. She's a good girl and she deserves it. No control issues here, I just love her, that's all. If i couldn't afford it and could only give a card, it wouldn't matter one iota.


Yea, for sure I get what you're saying. I'm the same way with my gkids.

The phrases from OP "_I am bossed around _" and "_she wants is we keep visiting her_" & "_She is also impossible to say no to _" make me think there is more than unconditional motherly/grandmotherly love at work.

Plus OP said it herself "_I feel like it's a control thing _"

Either way, control or not, OP needs to get a life that is not being managed by someone else.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Lrentz said:


> She is also impossible to say no to.


How so? In what ways have you attempted to set boundaries and what was the outcome?

At a guess, with your last paragraph, it comes across to me that your mother wants you around and perhaps the gifts and cooking are the exchange for that to occur. Perhaps she fears that she's not 'enough' without those offerings. More innocently, it could also be that she loves her family and this is how she demonstrates that. I'm wondering if she has her own social outlets/connections independent of family? Still regardless, if her actions aren't vibing with you and your family, then back to the original question.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Reread your post.

Feelings of guilt, inferiority, control, being bossed around, feel like you can't do what you wanted, kids are 'forced' to eat the food, mother is impossible to say not to, you're making excuses about not visiting, you feel anxiety.

Where is your voice and assertive actions in this? It seems to be missing. And if the dynamic is no longer working for you, what are you willing to do about it? Are you prepared to 'let the cards fall' so to speak? Granted, if you want to change how you respond to your family, how about just starting with a small step. Perhaps it's just voicing one thing and sticking with it. Might feel awkward and strange, yet in the long run, being less agreeable may eventually do you more good than feeling guilty and inferior.


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## Alayna26 (3 mo ago)

Hi, first of all, I should point out that when children are young, the problems are also small, but when children grow up, the problems also become very big. We have to get through these problems by supporting each other.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

I would just tell your sister the gifts are appreciated, but are way too much. Tell her a simple hand written note, framed photo, etc means just as much. Then don't feel guilty about not reciprocating with an expensive gift if she continues to do so. If she's expecting an expensive gift in return, she will eventually stop when she doesn't get it.

But never, ever feel bad when someone else is overstepping their boundaries.


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## Moshe18 (2 mo ago)

What a fantabulous post this has been. Never seen this kind of useful post. I am grateful to you and expect more number of posts like these. Thank you very much.


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