# Getting a bit sick of the deteriorating sex lives...



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

...of many posters who later have come into dire straits with their relation.

Way too many posters have a line in their first post like "our sex life hasn't been great since ...xxx..., but really bad in the last ...xxx... months or so".

How is it possible that the most important measure of a good relation is so very very neglected in society?? 

It looks like the 'Frog in the boiling water' story. If you would have to agree on the start of a relation that you will abstain of sex, NOBODY would want to marry or date. But if you gradually over time have your relation abstaining of sex people seem not to notice...or be able to make a big enough problem of it.

I think the thermometer of good sex should be applied as a formal indicator. And not tabooed away because of all kinds of social constraints.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I consider sex to be the essential glue that keeps a couple bonded. Without frequent application, the relationship falls apart. 

There are so many stressors in this life, that there needs to be at least one consistent and safe act or process or whatever you wish to call it, that adults in relationships can turn to, to forget all of that for at least a few moments and just enjoy each other. I consider sex to be that act. It is like a balm. 

When I'm tired, stressed, overworked, and my husband comes to me and I reject his advances, I'm telling myself I'm choosing the stress over an opportunity to de-stress and bond with him. When I realize that I am saying no to this opportunity, I change my mind and my context, and I engage like the Enterprise. 

Compatibility and respect plays a huge factor in couples wanting sex. Attractiveness, too, but for me personally attractiveness is more than skin deep. I am attracted to personality and personal values. Constable Odo frequently jokes with others that we are on two disparate planes in terms of looks, and we are not in the same league. I disagree, because to me, we are precisely on the same plane of existence and values. There has never been man I've known who complements me so. This turns me on like nothing else and I want to bond with him more because of it. 

So, I think there are too many personal factors involved to completely dissect the issue of sex less marriages. I know that I have been in one in the past and that if I never want to return to that experience, then I have to play an active role in preventing its occurrence.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Satya said:


> There has never been man I've known who complements me so. This turns me on like nothing else and I want to bond with him more because of it.


Eloquently worded! I absolutely relate with this feeling (about Batman, I mean ha ha).



Satya said:


> So, I think there are too many personal factors involved to completely dissect the issue of sex less marriages. I know that I have been in one in the past and that if I never want to return to that experience, then I have to play an active role in preventing its occurrence.


Your whole post was brilliant to read. With mention to MEM's post about laughter in another thread, it captures simply the beauty and importance for healthy relationships. Thank you both for such wonderful posts!


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Satya said:


> There are so many stressors in this life, that there needs to be at least one consistent and safe act or process or whatever you wish to call it, that adults in relationships can turn to, to forget all of that for at least a few moments and just enjoy each other. I consider sex to be that act. It is like a balm.


This is brilliant. This is how couples should view sex, but unfortunately often do not.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

See_Listen_Love;16766210
How is it possible that the most important measure of a good relation is so very very neglected in society??
[/QUOTE said:


> It's because not everyone in a relationship doesn't consider sex as the most important measure of a good relationship.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Yes, sadly this is key. For many people sex is not seen as important. 



Chris Taylor said:


> It's because not everyone in a relationship doesn't consider sex as the most important measure of a good relationship.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

If you're so sick of hearing about the bad sex lives of other people, then don't read about it.

I'm sure if they could do something about it, they would.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

See_Listen_Love said:


> ...of many posters who later have come into dire straits with their relation.
> 
> Way too many posters have a line in their first post like "our sex life hasn't been great since ...xxx..., but really bad in the last ...xxx... months or so".
> 
> How is it possible that the most important measure of a good relation is so very very neglected in society??


Because some people compartmentalize. As if sex were THE thing, and neglect the many other feelings and interactions that make people WANT to have sex. Like love. Appreciation. Comradery. Attraction. No it is just shut the hell up and f me.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I blame it on kids. Kids wreck havoc on life. 

I'm starting to believe men were created to boink as many women as possible, pregnant them to keep the world rolling, and then move on the next one. Ha.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

See_Listen_Love said:


> ...of many posters who later have come into dire straits with their relation.
> 
> Way too many posters have a line in their first post like "our sex life hasn't been great since ...xxx..., but really bad in the last ...xxx... months or so".
> 
> ...


Apologies that you are sick of us moaning about our deteriorating sex lives. 
If you have the solutions or answers, I would love to hear your thoughts. 
Life isn't so black and white, because every person is born into this world with a unique set of circumstances. 
While sex can be easy for one person, it can be extremely difficult for the next person to navigate. The reasons vary greatly, unfortunately sometimes people just refuse to negotiate or believe they have a problem which makes it unfixable. 



Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I think we just hear about this problem more because we now have the internet....but I think the problem has always existed in relationships. It is just that people would not or could not divorce as easily in the past, so we didn't see the fall out from the sexual problems, either. (Though we do know that many people just discreetly had affairs rather than leave, in the past, and now, too).

Therefore, I think it is good that people are talking about it a lot and others may be reading about it, even if they don't have that problem. The problem itself needs to be held up for all people who are in or who want to be in serious relationships to know about...even if it doesn't affect them at this time, it might someday.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I agree with the original post. When we fail to stop and check when a serious indicator like sexual frequency pops up, then the underlying problems, lack of dishwashing or whatever, don't get addressed, and don't get fixed. If it helps you to see the deterioration of sex life as an indicator or symptom, instead of as a major problem go ahead it should be a flashing red "you are going to die" light on your dash board. And if you don't pay attention to the indicator your relationship will die.


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## NoEasyWayOut (Oct 26, 2016)

browser said:


> If you're so sick of hearing about the bad sex lives of other people, then don't read about it.
> 
> I'm sure if they could do something about it, they would.


Agreed. Many times "bad" sex lives are due to physical or mental problems without easy solutions. Take Viagra (lots can't because of health problems), take estrogen (increased cancer risk)...


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

NoEasyWayOut said:


> Agreed. Many times "bad" sex lives are due to physical or mental problems without easy solutions. Take Viagra (lots can't because of health problems), take estrogen (increased cancer risk)...


I think it's most often because one of the two parties is no longer interested in sex with their partner.


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## NoEasyWayOut (Oct 26, 2016)

browser said:


> I think it's most often because one of the two parties is no longer interested in sex with their partner.


I'm not disagreeing with you. This is probably the case in the majority of relationships. I only wanted to comment that as we age, issues do arise. 

In an ideal world, couples would discuss physical problems but sometimes they are too embarrassed. The reason for their lack of sex isn't always revealed or solutions explored.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

See_Listen_Love said:


> How is it possible that the most important measure of a good relation is so very very neglected in society??


Because not _everyone_ in society believes that sex is the "*most important *measure of a good relationship". 



> If you would have to agree on the start of a relation that you will abstain of sex, NOBODY would want to marry or date. But if you gradually over time have your relation abstaining of sex people seem not to notice...or be able to make a big enough problem of it.


By contrast, if you proposed at the very beginning of a relationship that you expected sex 3 times a day every day, and that the frequency NEVER dwindles, no matter what, many people wouldn't marry or date, either. 



> I think the thermometer of good sex should be applied as a formal indicator.


A formal indicator of _what_? People obviously can have great sex, but no matter how good the sex is--whether they're married to each other or not--does not indicate that the rest of the relationship is "good". They break up for reasons other than sex.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> Because some people compartmentalize. As if sex were THE thing, and neglect the many other feelings and interactions that make people WANT to have sex. Like love. Appreciation. Comradery. Attraction. No it is just shut the hell up and f me.


My point is that the quality and frequency of sex in the relation* 
is the thermometer of* 
Love, appreciation, comradery and attraction AND time for eachother, communication, feeling safe, feeling free with eachother.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

MrsAldi said:


> Apologies that you are sick of us moaning about our deteriorating sex lives.
> If you have the solutions or answers, I would love to hear your thoughts.
> Life isn't so black and white, because every person is born into this world with a unique set of circumstances.
> While sex can be easy for one person, it can be extremely difficult for the next person to navigate. The reasons vary greatly, unfortunately sometimes people just refuse to negotiate or believe they have a problem which makes it unfixable.


The problem is that the persons ending up on TAM with their partners straying away of them
DID NOT
come here to moan about their sex life when it could have helped to repair the underlying causes.

In other words, my complaint is not about the moaning, but in contrary about the not making a problem of it, and there not looking at what is really the problem.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MrsAldi said:


> Apologies that you are sick of us moaning about our deteriorating sex lives.
> If you have the solutions or answers, I would love to hear your thoughts.
> Life isn't so black and white, because every person is born into this world with a unique set of circumstances.
> While sex can be easy for one person, it can be extremely difficult for the next person to navigate. The reasons vary greatly, unfortunately sometimes people just refuse to negotiate or believe they have a problem which makes it unfixable.
> ...


:wtf: people in Ireland, Britain and Belgium have sex lives?

Why wasn't I told about this?  
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

See_Listen_Love said:


> My point is that the quality and frequency of sex in the relation*
> is the thermometer of*
> Love, appreciation, comradery and attraction AND time for eachother, communication, feeling safe, feeling free with eachother.


Amen! This is how I feel about sex 100%. It's why it's a big deal for me in my thread. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/346642-gf-doesnt-want-me-touch-her-butt-all-sudden-wtf.html


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