# looking for real life opinions, after a lot of reading.



## mtsb26 (1 mo ago)

My ex wife and I are 57/62, respectively. Married 6 years. Separated 4 years ago , divorce final 2 years ago.

Problem was severe financial during the marriage and how to handle.

When she told me she was leaving (no one cheated, no arguments, but very different values /upbringing, how to handle money, build for the future , etc.). Physical attraction has never been a problem. After leaving, she suggested married/living separate, then suggested, we could still date....didn't want either, but now thinking dating might have been a solution.

My circumstances have changed, much for the better. Miss her, still think about her, want to be involved with her and she with me. We're both older and going through all the stuff to meet someone new, first dates, meet the family is not something I want to ever do again.

does anyone have advice on being divorced and yet dating each other, being with someone you know, trust, miss.

Most of the things I've read about ex spouses staying in contact seem to be if they're 20s', 30s' 40s'....what if you're 50/60s' and have no desire to meet someone else.

PS. after 2 years of no contact, sent text and told her she didn't need to reply......she replied anyway.

Does anyone know of others happy, being exclusive and continuing a relationship without marrying again (I don't want to and pretty sure she doesn't want to).


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

mtsb26 said:


> My ex wife and I are 57/62, respectively. Married 6 years. Separated 4 years ago , divorce final 2 years ago.
> 
> Problem was severe financial during the marriage and how to handle.
> 
> ...


Welcome to TAM.
I wont be much help from the standpoint of having any experience here.

Imwould only say that you can be happy with someone from your past. But in some ways it’s harder, there’s lingering memories and hurts from before. But if you and she can overcome that, then best of luck!

I also would caution you to move slowly. Make sure she really is who you want. I’ve only “went back” once in life and it was a huge mistake. I was committing to the memory of who she was, not the girl in the present.

Best of luck to you!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Were you the saver and she was the spendthrift? Or was it the other way? As long as finances aren’t involved there’s no reason you couldn’t date.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

There are lots of stories out there about men getting divorced and then after a few years marrying the same person they divorced. I have an uncle and aunt who did that.

If you do date her, and finances were the issue that caused the marriage to fail, you need to discuss with her the get-go that while you would like to date her, do things with her, and possible take vacations with her, you want to make sure that in any future relationship, finances don't become the problem they did in your marriage. 

If one of you is the spender and the other the saver, you need to figure out ahead of time who will pay for what in terms of dates, restaurants, vacation tickets, expensive concert tickets, etc. If you have a current savings/income disparity (you should know since your divorce was not that long ago), then agree to go dutch or at least agree to a 60/40 split on certain kinds of expenses.

The point is that you get to set boundaries this time. You know her and you know her financial issues, so *set boundaries at the start of the dating.*


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

My 1st is my ex - and she stays that way. Turned out we had some immutable differences.
Religion and housekeeping. Religion - sort of explains itself. The housekeeping? I guess things starting going down hill when she set the kitchen on fire.

If you intend to proceed to "date" - best you bluntly get up front with your differences and find a middle ground. If you and ex still want to see each other afterwards - good luck!


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## lmucamac (4 mo ago)

I don’t have any experience with dating an ex. But I recently remarried (I was widoWed, him divorced). We grew up very differently, have very different spending habits). We discussed this in length before getting married, how we would handle our joint assets and expenses, as well as our individual assets. its an open topic of discussion as we continue to build our life together. I can’t imagine why any mature couple wouldn’t have this discussion before getting married, as we’ve had the experience of maturity and learning from our mistake.

If your circumstances have changed “for the better”, that leads me to believe you were the one mostly responsible for the divorce And now you want a second chance. Either way, learn from your mistakes, get together for a “date”, and discuss all these issues, who pays for the dates, how you’ve both changed since the divorce, and whether or not your willing to compromise and set boundaries, Before the second date, set the boundaries, put it in writing, and give it a second chance.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

mtsb26 said:


> PS. after 2 years of no contact, sent text and told her she didn't need to reply......she replied anyway.


So what did you say? What did she say?

I guess think carefully about what you want. You've been very vague about the problem, but *do not assume either of you will change significantly* at this age.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

It would help to know what the specific issues were that led to your divorce.


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## mtsb26 (1 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Welcome to TAM.
> I wont be much help from the standpoint of having any experience here.
> 
> Imwould only say that you can be happy with someone from your past. But in some ways it’s harder, there’s lingering memories and hurts from before. But if you and she can overcome that, then best of luck!
> ...


Thank you.


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## mtsb26 (1 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Were you the saver and she was the spendthrift? Or was it the other way? As long as finances aren’t involved there’s no reason you couldn’t date.


I was the saver, planning for the future. She was not a spendthrift necessarily, but our marriage/future (after taking care of her only's childs' kids ....her only grandchildren) seemed to be in third place. I came to terms with this before I married her. Can't possibly complain about her wanting to be with them....I knew that going in. It might have been nice for her to show up at 11pm at the second job I took at the fried chix restaurant and tell me she was proud of me.


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## mtsb26 (1 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Were you the saver and she was the spendthrift? Or was it the other way? As long as finances aren’t involved there’s no reason you couldn’t date.


I was the saver, planning for the future. She was not a spendthrift necessarily, but our marriage/future (after taking care of her only's childs' kids ....her only grandchildren) seemed to be in third place. I came to terms with this before I married her. Can't possibly complain about her wanting to be with them....I knew that going in. But It might have been nice for her to show up at i11pm at the second job I took at the fried chix restaurant and tell me she was proud of me. She seems to be happy with her life, I'm very happy with mine. I'm glad she had the guts to say this isn't working. But financially, those problems are gone now. I miss her, but I did become a "stick in the mud", "kill joy" because of the finances (we both did bankruptcies.....really pretty dumb to get married in those situations).

I miss my friend and confidante, pillow talk about problems.....I miss her physically, and now I have the finances to have fun, dinners, movies, day trips to funky places we both liked (things I sweated out when we were married). 

It's basically a FWB but ramped up a notch (no family events.....private and quiet, limits and rules, she calls the shots on when/where. I'm happy with that. I don't want to "date" (as she termed it) anyone else.

I promise all of you, I've got a thick skin....don't hold back....let er' rip. And many thanks and a holy Christmas to all of you.


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## mtsb26 (1 mo ago)

lmucamac said:


> I don’t have any experience with dating an ex. But I recently remarried (I was widoWed, him divorced). We grew up very differently, have very different spending habits). We discussed this in length before getting married, how we would handle our joint assets and expenses, as well as our individual assets. its an open topic of discussion as we continue to build our life together. I can’t imagine why any mature couple wouldn’t have this discussion before getting married, as we’ve had the experience of maturity and learning from our mistake.
> 
> If your circumstances have changed “for the better”, that leads me to believe you were the one mostly responsible for the divorce And now you want a second chance. Either way, learn from your mistakes, get together for a “date”, and discuss all these issues, who pays for the dates, how you’ve both changed since the divorce, and whether or not your willing to compromise and set boundaries, Before the second date, set the boundaries, put it in writing, and give it a second chance.


 Who pays is not an issue anymore, so that's why I'm considering this and setting boundaries I absolutely want.


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## mtsb26 (1 mo ago)

Laurentium said:


> So what did you say? What did she say?
> 
> I guess think carefully about what you want. You've been very vague about the problem, but *do not assume either of you will change significantly* at this age.


Her reply was very generic and safe and kind, but within 45 minutes. Mine was just that I think about her often and hope she is happy and doing well, but need her to know that I'm sorry for the mistakes I made, and just needed her to know that and no need for her to reply. "And not changing at this age" is what I'm hoping for. We're separate, apparently happy and like things as they are, but maybe a little more.


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## mtsb26 (1 mo ago)

Laurentium said:


> So what did you say? What did she say?
> 
> I guess think carefully about what you want. You've been very vague about the problem, but *do not assume either of you will change significantly* at this age.


I was the saver, planning for the future. She was not a spendthrift necessarily, but our marriage/future (after taking care of her only's childs' kids ....her only grandchildren) seemed to be in third place. I came to terms with this before I married her. Can't possibly complain about her wanting to be with them....I knew that going in. But It might have been nice for her to show up at i11pm at the second job I took at the fried chix restaurant and tell me she was proud of me. She seems to be happy with her life, I'm very happy with mine. I'm glad she had the guts to say this isn't working. But financially, those problems are gone now. I miss her, but I did become a "stick in the mud", "kill joy" because of the finances (we both did bankruptcies.....really pretty dumb to get married in those situations).

I miss my friend and confidante, pillow talk about problems.....I miss her physically, and now I have the finances to have fun, dinners, movies, day trips to funky places we both liked (things I sweated out when we were married). 

It's basically a FWB but ramped up a notch (no family events.....private and quiet, limits and rules, she calls the shots on when/where. I'm happy with that. I don't want to "date" (as she termed it) anyone else.

I promise all of you, I've got a thick skin....don't hold back....let er' rip. And many thanks and a holy Christmas to all of you


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

mtsb26 said:


> I promise all of you, I've got a thick skin....don't hold back....let er' rip. And many thanks and a holy Christmas to all of you


TAM is not known for holding back, so don’t worry about that.

But if you keep copy/pasting your answers you might get some flack about it. From me. Quit it.

Basically it sounds like a trap but it might not be. Watch your step and move ahead slowly. You’re going to have to live with the outcome so don’t be blinded by the positives.


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

I agree. It does sound like a trap.

She may hold onto you untill she starts seeing someone else(if she isn't already) and then drop you..


If it's not a trap, this feeling of contentment and satisfaction is only temporary and fleeting.


You'll want more eventually...


You already want more, but settling for less and whatever she is willing to give you....

In hopes that she'll remain in your life.



She won't...


I honestly think that exes should just permanently leave each other alone...

On the romantic level...

if co-parenting needs to be, it should strickly be about the children.

If having to remain in contact for business and financial dealings, it should strickly be that.



Alot of exes want to return because it doesn't work out with anyone else, and you're their reliable option in which will always be open to taking them back because of their feelings still .....

You become their "safe" optional.... untill they get bored or find someone else.



...and codependency.


I think this is a case of comfortability and codependency....

Not compatibility..

I don't feel like this is going to work out for the best.


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