# Need some opinions please.



## benz699 (Sep 11, 2011)

Early 2009 I noticed that my wife started to act differently. We moved to Florida from NY in 2007 so she would go back and forth to NY with our Daughter to visit her family, which I lived with.

In April of 2009 there was an incident in which she did not come back on the date she was supposed to, she decided to stay 45 days in NY, originally it was a very generous 20 days without my daughter until the day before when she had her brother call me to tell me she wasn't coming back.

She did come back, in June of 2009 I noticed she has been working out a lot, acting more distant etc. 

I installed a key logger and found out she was cheating. I know the mans name and address and I now live back in Staten Island, very close to his house. She admitted she was cheating, would not say for how long or any details at all....this causes me to think about it from that point in 2009 to this very day, which is why I am writing.

To this day I still do not know the details of how it happened, she doesn't want to tell me, she wants to forget it, I'd like to forget it too....but I can't.

So from the time I found out about this until this very day I think about it, resent her for it and feel that she is or would cheat again even though I'm not sure if I should have a reason too.

I can pretty much account for her whereabouts at anytime....one thing that's for sure is she lies about virtually everything and I know this.

I guess basically I need some insight from people who experienced this. I have a 4 year old daughter whom I love and loves me.

I lost my job last august and have been doing odd jobs and collecting unemployment since.

We have had to move back to Staten Island and are living in her parents basement sadly, and I have no say over anything and she treats me badly knowing that I will respect her parents home and not fight back.

We basically have no money except my unemployment, which i freely hand over to her to waste because I am stupid and we have no real bills at this time.

I love my Daughter so much, I love my wife, but feel nothing but hate and resentment towards her. I think every second and everything she does is cheating on me, In reality, I don't think she is right now, but I am blinded.

I don't think I can ever put this infraction behind me.

What should I do? Should I leave her and my Daughter to be homeless and hope someone will take me in? Or should I stay and think of the cheating that i will still think of if I leave?


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

I'm sorry for the bad situation that you are in.

Seems your wife has shown no real remorse nor has she become transparent. Unless she does, you can not heal.

If I were you, I'd find a job as soon as possible and get out of that toxic situation. You said you were living in her parents basement, I think you know they wouldn't let her and your daughter starve.

Perhaps your wife will see the light when she sees how serious you are about not tolerating what she has gave you to deal with. Maybe she will be ready to make the changes when you tell her you are going to walk.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

*"To this day I still do not know the details of how it happened, she doesn't want to tell me, she wants to forget it, I'd like to forget it too....but I can't."*

Of course you can't..you haven't been granted that option. You can't move forward from something you know nothing about. Unless you just walked away. Since you didn't, then you are still going to wake up everyday wondering WTF, until you and your wife hash it all out.

*"I can pretty much account for her whereabouts at anytime....one thing that's for sure is she lies about virtually everything and I know this."*

This is a huge NO-GO! Allowing someone to continually lie to you will never put you in a place of respect. This has to stop.

*"I don't think I can ever put this infraction behind me."*

Not until you either confront her...I wouldn't care if this happens in her parents house or not. In fact...do her parents know of the affair? If not...I would tell them first..and ask for there support.

You are in a tight jam with money right now...do not allow the fear of being on your own to overshadow you. Its your unemployment benefit...not hers...stop giving it away.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Remember that you are not the only one who can choose to walk away from the marriage and make you homeless, so that being the case, why don't you plan an exit strategy? Do you have any relatives that would be willing to give you a place to stay until things improve and you are able to move into a place of your own? You can then send a monthly check to your wife for child support purposes. My point is for you to look for alternatives in order to stop being at the mercy of your wife and her parents. Do this and your self respect will go through the roof for you will no longer be present to tolerate your unfaithful wife's lies and disrespect.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

This is how the rest of your life will be if you accept this. It is your choice. If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would be so accepting and acting as a doormat as you have been? If the OM has a wife then I would expose this to her. I would also think about contacting the OM to get full information and or threaten him with exposure if he does not give it to you. 

Your wife continues to lie, refuses tell you what happened and plays you like a fool. Again this will be the rest of your life if you allow it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

No matter what your ciurcumstances are you do not have to tolorate this crap. I suggest you take the time to gather some hard evidence. 
Yes I know it has already been confronted, but believe me she has taken this affiar deeper underground.

She has had to suffer no consequences, she will not address the issue, it is so clear that she is continueing to cheat on you and you are stuck between a rock and a hard place so you choose to look away. It easier this way. She knows this.
But trust me when I tell you there is proof to be had. She has not stopped, granted she has cooled down but it will start up again and as long as you stay cool and stop accusing her she will for sure slip up again.
That is when you gather the evidence and confront her and expose to all. damage control...preventing you from looking like the bad guy.
This will empower you and it will give you time to get your sh~t together.

basicly you have just begun, there is alot to the BS so read up and learn. 
You may find your self stronger then you think. its all a mtter of time, but the pieces will come together and as it all falls into place you will have a clear understanding on what you need to do next.

So stay quite, investigate and gather, then a time will come when you will be able to blow the lid off of her cheating. Making her to finaly face the reality of it all.

Thats the point she has not suffered enough to face the reality of it and she continues to be empowered as you sit idlely by.

Change this and get out there and live. work on your self b/c no one else will you must fix your self first then you can fix other things like your marriage.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Sometimes here @ TAM I feel like I'm on the wrong planet. Gather evidence? For what? If your spouse is cheating you're done. It's over. I truly cannot fathom this reconciliation thing after he or she gets all naked and slippery with someone else. If someone stabbed you would you give them another chance? I wouldn't. And it's not even hate or anger - it's just....you're done. They decided for you. They need to go.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Sometimes here @ TAM I feel like I'm on the wrong planet. Gather evidence? For what? If your spouse is cheating you're done. It's over. I truly cannot fathom this reconciliation thing after he or she gets all naked and slippery with someone else. If someone stabbed you would you give them another chance? I wouldn't. And it's not even hate or anger - it's just....you're done. They decided for you. They need to go.


Personally, I agree with you rld, as that's the stance I've taken with my WW. I felt it coming ...I gathered evidence (didnt know for sure yet and she was lying and not admitting anything...) confronted her and tried to give her chances to not do it, not break our deal breaker. She broke the deal. I'm gone. it is that simple for me.

But I don't have kids, as OP does, always makes one take a serious pause I would imagine. He will do what he needs to, whetherthat be a serious R (with her committing to massive transparency and hard work) or he'll walk and make his life better without her. Money will come, just gotta set it aside and stop covering her budget as long as she is not working either. I would also talk to get parents (vaguely) about the affair, as to why you are considering leaving. Doing it for "you", not to hurt anyone. They should understand that...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Sometimes here @ TAM I feel like I'm on the wrong planet. Gather evidence? For what? If your spouse is cheating you're done. It's over. I truly cannot fathom this reconciliation thing after he or she gets all naked and slippery with someone else. If someone stabbed you would you give them another chance? I wouldn't. And it's not even hate or anger - it's just....you're done. They decided for you. They need to go.


It is interesting how we all have different dealbreakers. For some, infidelity is something they are willing to work though, for some it's not. Just as for some, a sexless marriage is something they wouldn't tolerate, and for others they would stay in the marriage. 

Different strokes for different folks.

OP--if you feel you cannot move past her infidelity to restore your relationship with her--if you feel you will always resent her and don't see that changing in the future, my advice is to let her go. It is unhealthy to both of you to stay in a relationshp where you feel resentful and unable to give or receive 100% from your partner. 

Decide what you truly want. If it's to stay with her, you will have to accept this happened and try to move through this with her. If you cannot fathom doing that or aren't willing to or are too hurt by it, cut ties. 

Get a job. Stat. And plan your next step.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Sometimes here @ TAM I feel like I'm on the wrong planet. Gather evidence? For what? If your spouse is cheating you're done. It's over. I truly cannot fathom this reconciliation thing after he or she gets all naked and slippery with someone else. If someone stabbed you would you give them another chance? I wouldn't. And it's not even hate or anger - it's just....you're done. They decided for you. They need to go.


Look I get the feeling and I will never tell anyone who feels this way to go ahead a try R anyways, but some of us can get past infidelity (if the ws does what is necessary), why can't you accept those who can?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you talked to her parents? Do they know what she did? Maybe you should start there. Maybe they will help you get their daughter in line or, at the very least, start giving you a little more respect for what you're enduring.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Sometimes here @ TAM I feel like I'm on the wrong planet. Gather evidence? For what? If your spouse is cheating you're done. It's over. I truly cannot fathom this reconciliation thing after he or she gets all naked and slippery with someone else. If someone stabbed you would you give them another chance? I wouldn't. And it's not even hate or anger - it's just....you're done. They decided for you. They need to go.


Runs,

Quite right. Some people do take this stance and for good reason; dealing with the pain that comes with healing the marriage is a daunting task. Not everyone is up for it or even wants to bother. I can see your point..it would feel like you were on a different planet...because you are. 

Yet..others want to try and make it work. Whatever the reasons. Maybe they have lot to lose if they simply walk away...maybe they are trying for the kids...maybe they can see the real person that their spouse can be (which was my case) and want to reconcile on a solid foundation, ie "start all over."


Either way its really just the decision they made, I support each. Although I lean in favor of trying to save the marriage...I still recognize that some people just don't want to, which is fine.

I would however ask, what harm comes from trying?


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