# Post-codependency dynamics



## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

So recently I realized I was codependent WRT my wife’s mental health issues (ADHD, anxiety, irrational fear, learned helplessness) and did the work to refocus my efforts and let her handle the consequences of her choices. So things I used to do before like proactively solving her problems, catering to “her bubble” of likes and dislikes, getting into what she was into and looking for validation all stopped. Instead of hopping in to do the heavy lifting, I just leave it to her. What also was happening was she had zero interest in my likes or hobbies or told me to “have fun.” A lot of disinterest or disappearing if it wasn’t her thing. Plenty of one-sided conversations with her having no meaningful input besides “that’s nice hon.” Suffice it to say I got resentful. 

Since I decided enabling her behaviors weren’t helpful, I took steps to not be codependent. I’ve noticed a significant drop in attraction, not a lot of desire to things I like do with her or romantically pursue her. Now she seems really concerned and she wonders if it’s depression or something else. I’ve moved to more of a “always invited, never obligated” mindset.

Has anyone else recovering from codependency notice their spouse becomes unsettled and anxious now that you aren’t doing those behaviors any more?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Now that you see (and you’re getting stronger), please don’t demonize your wife, as though she’s been the problem all along.

Both of you have played your part - which comes from being broken, imperfect people, who’ve come from broken, imperfect people.

_Help her. _Talk to her about how you’ve grown. Talk to her about the codependent dynamic.

Be patient. Be thankful. Put off self-righteousness.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, that happens all the time. Things change and people react — positively or negatively — to that change.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

@aaarghdub,

Not an answer, but I’m curious about what things you have found helpful in your quest to not be codependent. Counseling, books, videos, etc.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Probably the book “No More Me Nice Guy” and various websites.

Honestly, it was realizing my behaviors and what I wasn’t getting aside from resentment and a lack of growth. So I started doing new things I had put off. Took golf back up with my buddies, started CrossFit, went back to school for my next career. Getting more needs met from people. I didn’t need her validation as much. 

All these things I didn’t do because I was focusing on her small bubble/comfort zone and her abject fear of looking bad/foolish/incompetent. 

The consequence is distance but you can’t force yourself to live in a bubble and stunt your own growth. Or as they say, “don’t light yourself on fire to keep your partner warm.”


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

aaarghdub said:


> Now she seems really concerned and she wonders if it’s depression or something else.


She thinks you're depressed? Or she thinks she is?

I'm guessing it's the former, and if that's the case, you need (if you have not already) to let her know how much you enjoy your own hobbies etc. (edited to add, the golf etc.)



> Has anyone else recovering from codependency notice their spouse becomes unsettled and anxious now that you aren’t doing those behaviors any more?


Yes, that's bound to happen. You're changing a system that was stable. As Minimal said, you both played your parts in it, and now you are changing it.


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