# People who blame others and take no responsibility for their own actions



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

What are your thoughts on people who blame others and refuse to take responsibility for their own actions in anything? 
A person who will not acknowledge that they may be partly at fault for the down fall of a relationship, they won't acknowledge they may 
have hurt another. If a person has tried to explain to them their actions/words hurt them only for that person to not acknowledge it 
or for them to make light of the other persons feelings that was hurt? Are they simply in denial or is it something deeper?
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## Susieatwork (Oct 25, 2013)

My mother was kind of like this. In hindsight, I think she lacked self-awareness and found it very difficult to see herself in a negative light. In some way, it was like accepting criticism and acknowledging responsibility for things would make her a bad person and she couldn't psychologically deal with that. In addition, it's as if denying responsibility would preserve her image when in fact the opposite is true. I find it very endearing when people acknowledge the error of their ways. 

It's a combination of denial (to preserve one's mental image of themselves), lack of self-awareness, and other skewed perceptions of reality. There has to be some sort of psychological disturbance there. 

In my mother's case, efforts to change this behaviour were mostly futile and resulted in much conflict. Most people gave up.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Could be a number of things, immaturity, complacency, denial, or it could be deeper like some kind of mental illness. It is hard to say unless there was specific details.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are so many people like this that it seems to be the norm sometimes. 

When you listen to two people talk about their marriage that failed, generally both will make the other look bad and themselves look good. The lack of empathy and understanding of the other is usually profound.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Blaming, refusing to take responsibility for ones actions, making light of or not even acknowledging someone else's 
feelings... All if these things remind of of a Narcissist or someone with serious entitlement issues. It sounds damaging
and unproductive. It's not a relationship I wouldn't stay In.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Jamison said:


> What are your thoughts on people who blame others and refuse to take responsibility for their own actions in anything?


They are weak, selfish, unwilling to bend, possibly narcissistic.

Not a fan.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I was like this and learned it in childhood. In addition to other forms of neglect my parents did nothing but berate me daily for my flaws. As a result I became blind to my own bad behavior. It was a coping mechanism. 

I believed subconsciously if I wasn't wrong then no one would yell, scream, punish or abandon me. I was completely unaware that I was even doing this. I figured it out in therapy. 

I'm still highly sensitive to criticism but can take it if it's said in love in a calm, non threatening way.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

I am a bit the other way, I tend to be hyper critical of myself and reluctant to blame others if things go wrong.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I was like this and learned it in childhood. In addition to other forms of neglect my parents did nothing but berate me daily for my flaws. As a result I became blind to my own bad behavior. It was a coping mechanism.
> 
> I believed subconsciously if I wasn't wrong then no one would yell, scream, punish or abandon me. I was completely unaware that I was even doing this. I figured it out in therapy.
> 
> I'm still highly sensitive to criticism but can take it if it's said in love in a calm, non threatening way.


For similar reasons, I'm also working on this - non-defensive listening. It's a day to day thing, but I'm learning to sit with the discomfort, and I try not be so reactive.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

My thoughts on someone who exhibits those behaviors is that they possibly have a personality disorder like my ex did/does (NPD) or they simply aren't very emotionally mature/evolved.

Bottom line - unhealthy person to be around and would avoid at all costs.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

My sister was married for 17 years and then had to endue a very nasty divorce. She discovered that her ex H had been having an affair for about 6 years; had most likely paid for his paramours nursing training and had bought a house for the two of them to live in on the household income between the of them. (My sister and exBIL are both medical doctors.)

The divorce was in 2002. To this day, my sister simply says that they never should have married. i don't get that there is any introspection on her part. No looking at what she could have done better; no considering any red flags that she missed.

I remember her even dragging her exH to couples counseling before they were even married. And yet, it appears that she is not acknowledging any mistake that she made or anything that she could have done differently to either change the course of history or to mitigate the mess that their marriage came to.

She's still single and in a relationship that is comfortable but I gather that she is not completely happy with.

But I've come to accept that my sister is too proud to admit that she could have done anything wrong in any situation that didn't turn out well for her.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

My sister is a poster child for the scapegoat finding crowd. Her philosophy in life seems to be "The world would be a happier place-if only everybody would stop f**king with me."

She's been thru so many relationships and even one failed marriage (I was sad to see that, he was really a good guy), and it was ALWAYS the man's fault. Her latest failed relationship is ugly, because "he and his family have nothing better to do than ruin my life!" (actual quote)

Whenever she would find a new BF, she would go on and on about how he was the most wonderful thing on earth and how happy she was. That was the cue for everyone in the family to start placing bets on how long it would be before his name turned into "sh*t-for-brains"...I'd usually win with a bid of 2.5 weeks!

The fact is, she's too stubborn to admit that she can do anything wrong. Whenever something bad would happen (usually her own doing, like the car getting repoed because she wouldn't make the payments, and she can't get a good job because she's a HS dropout or her credit is TERRIFYINGLY low), it's always someone else's fault, it's always someone "f**king with her" it's always the corrupt system out to get her.

Needless to say, we don't always see eye to eye.


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## Susieatwork (Oct 25, 2013)

Wiltshireman said:


> I am a bit the other way, I tend to be hyper critical of myself and reluctant to blame others if things go wrong.


Is this a function of growing up with someone like the one the op described? For me, I am highly sensitive to criticism - part of the reason for this is that I am hyper critical of myself and always worry about 'performing' at a certain level. I also have a tendency to engage in self-blame for things where others should be held responsible.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Susieatwork said:


> Is this a function of growing up with someone like the one the op described? For me, I am highly sensitive to criticism - part of the reason for this is that I am hyper critical of myself and always worry about 'performing' at a certain level. I also have a tendency to engage in self-blame for things where others should be held responsible.


I've done both. I'll beat myself up AND blame others. Sometimes I take the blame for everything and other times I'd take ownership of nothing. It varied depending on who, what, when and where. 

These days I take responsibility for my part in EVERYTHING. Nothing is in my life that I didn't allow. The hard part is learning to forgive myself for being less than perfect.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

My father had a little rule of thumb he passed on to me, and it's a good question: 

What are the chances that it's always somebody else's fault, and what are the chances that you've played a role in your problems? If the same things keep happening to you with different people, you have to ask what the odds are that it's *always* somebody else's doing, because you are the most common denominator.

He always told me that if you could answer it honestly, you'd be less full of crap than otherwise.

SH


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

F-102 said:


> My sister is a poster child for the scapegoat finding crowd. Her philosophy in life seems to be "The world would be a happier place-if only everybody would stop f**king with me."
> 
> She's been thru so many relationships and even one failed marriage (I was sad to see that, he was really a good guy), and it was ALWAYS the man's fault. Her latest failed relationship is ugly, because "he and his family have nothing better to do than ruin my life!" (actual quote)
> 
> ...


I hate to say this but people like your sister usually end up alone in older years with nobody really wanting nothing to do with them. It's sad.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Sanity said:


> I hate to say this but people like your sister usually end up alone in older years with nobody really wanting nothing to do with them. It's sad.


This is my mom, and I work very hard so that hopefully my future will be different.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

minimalME said:


> This is my mom, and I work very hard so that hopefully my future will be different.


My mom once said to treat your kids right because they usually pick the assisted living facility.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Sanity said:


> I hate to say this but people like your sister usually end up alone in older years with nobody really wanting nothing to do with them. It's sad.


Explain to her her tendancy. Also ask her to smile more, and look on the positive side of life more. There are enough negative Nancies and Debbie downers to fill the negative world's requirements.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Sanity said:


> I hate to say this but people like your sister usually end up alone in older years with nobody really wanting nothing to do with them. It's sad.


My sister is in this category. She stopped talking to me over a year ago. She's not completely alone yet but she will be. I guarantee it. It's what my family does. They push people away either by force or because they are emotional vampires.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Only reason I won't die alone is because I think I will die prematurely. My mental issues have mental issues and that doesn't bode well for aging. The crazy people in my family are dying in their 70's these days. I figure I'll be right there with them.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

The other thing to remember is that taking responsibility for something bad happening doesn't mean that you deserved what happened.

No one deserves to have their wallet stolen, but I think we can all agree someone who doesn't put their wallet deep inside in their purse, preferably in a zippered pocket and so on.... will have less of a chance of having their wallet stolen.

Same with relationships, there are agreed on upon ways to protect oneself from being used and so on....


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Susieatwork said:


> Is this a function of growing up with someone like the one the op described? For me, I am highly sensitive to criticism - part of the reason for this is that I am hyper critical of myself and always worry about 'performing' at a certain level. I also have a tendency to engage in self-blame for things where others should be held responsible.


 Thinking back my mother was a "blame shifter" but I do not think that influenced me as strongly as my father being a very logical man who taught me to be responsible for my words and deeds.

This has been reinforced over the years by training and management course where you are encouraged to "Take Ownership" of problems and to "Personally Drive Solutions". These fit well with my mind set. 

I am a firm believer in personal responsibility and I know that on occasion other people have taken advantage of my better nature and shifted their blame / responsibilities on to me. I think I have gotten wiser to this recently and I try to no longer accept them doing so.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Sanity said:


> I hate to say this but people like your sister usually end up alone in older years with nobody really wanting nothing to do with them. It's sad.


You don't have to hate to say it, Sanity. It is true. I am certain that she will be the main character in my "50 smelly cats" analogy.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> What are your thoughts on people who blame others and refuse to take responsibility for their own actions in anything?


*My thoughts are that they eventually become losers.* Not only my thoughts but I have seen it in real life. Now to be clear I am talking about people that have that attitude all the time and for years.

They can get by for a while with that attitude but it will eventually make them a loser. *The best thing that other people that are normal can do is to be able to detect those losers and stay away from them.*


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