# Wife seems to have made a decision



## Leading Man (Dec 11, 2012)

Well it's been a while since I posted here. Thought typing something might give me a little personal therapy.

My wife has been in a EA for about 4 months. I investigated enough to know for sure what was going on. Then early January I filed for a divorce. We're still in the same house. I suggested many times that we should do some counseling and that if she would consider working on our marriage that I would stall the divorce proceedings. So far no progress.

I asked her again today if she was ready to work on our marriage. She said she doesn't know what to do. She loves this other man and she loves me. She says I need to continue with the divorce because I don't deserve to live like this. I know they have kissed and still do. I asked her to be honest with me and tell me if they have gone any farther. I said if they have that would make my decision much easier. She said no, but they have talked about it. He says as long as we are still married, he won't do any more. How commendable! This OM is a quadriplegic. Has limited use of his hands and arms. She says his private parts don't work. I don't know if this is true. So any additional physical intimacy between them is limited to mostly oral. 

It is tough for me to think that 1) she is willing to give me and our family up for the emotional intimacy this man is providing and 2) she is willing to give up a physically and sexually healthy husband for a new man with limited ability to physically satisfy. Did I mention he is 10 years older than me? And 18 years older than my wife. Talk about a low blow to my ego!

I read the other day a thread by Imadeamistake titled "Read my story before leaving." I thought it was very well written. I printed it out and left it my wife's car today. I don't know if it was the right thing to do but it might get her thinking. 

What about the idea of me visiting the OM? I know where he lives. I would like to make it very clear to him that he is instrumental in breaking up a marriage and family that in my mind is not "divorce worthy." Although this could push my wife further away at least in the short term. 

Also, I haven't talked to her family at all about what is going on. They know I filed for a divorce, but they don't know the details. They have the attitude that their daughter/sister has been unhappy for a long time in her marriage and if this is what she needs to do to be happy, then they will support her. What she and her family don't want to admit is that getting rid of her husband is probably not going to improve the happiness factor. What saddens me is that the adage "love must be tough" needs to be applied here by all involved parties to get to the underlying problems. And I don't think that is going to happen by anyone but me. 

I am sincere when I say I am willing to forgive my wife for past mistakes, (posted in previous threads) but this EA/mildPA is where I draw the line. Thus the divorce filing.

As it is with so many marriages, my spouse has many fine qualities, a few not so good attributes, and some issues that are totally unacceptable in any marriage. Maybe if my wife reads the thread I printed out for her we can change the current course of action before, as Billy Squire would say "another one bites the dust." Any thoughts?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

She is fence sitting on his side of the fence. 

Any day she is not with you she is with him, period. Shes either with you or him, not both. The fact that OM is still in her life means she has chosen him a long time ago unfortunately. 

Also, STOP trying to get her to reconcile. That will only make her lose respect for you. If she wants R she should be coming to you. 

You may think this is merely pointless d!ck swinging, but respect and attitude are huge parts of a relationship. 

As horrible as this fact is, abusive husbands rarely get cheated on and are very rarely a plan B, their wives wouldn't even consider it most of the time. 

You wife is fooling around on her fence, cause she knows you aren't going anywhere, despite filing divorce since you come to ask/beg her for R frequently.


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

the OM won't couldn't care less. Best case scenario you get laughed at. worst case scenario he calls the police and you get threatened with arrest for harassment. It happens more often than you'd think.

If your wife cannot make the choice make it for her. throw divorce papers in her face. It's a win win situation. If it wakes her up then great. If it doesn't then you are one step closer to being free of a toxic relationship. It's time to decide if you are happy being a cuckholded husband. I promise you that this nightmare will not end until YOU make it end.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Kasler is right, stop trying to R. As long as she thinks you will be her backup plan you will only be her backup plan. You are enabling her affair.

The minute you turn your back on her and she sees she has lost you THEN she'll be interested in R.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Leading Man said:


> She loves this other man and she loves me. She says I know they have kissed and still do.



Come on LM. What does she need to do, drive a tractor over you. The trouble with a lot of men is, because of ego, they don't listen to what a woman is saying. What do you think she means when she said, "I (you) need to continue with the divorce because I (you) don't deserve to live like this? Why would she rather spend time with this other guy, as you described him, rather than with you? That’s something you need to think about.
The first thing you need to do is get your head on straight and realize you're threatening to divorce a woman who can't wait to sign the papers. (ever read Uncle Remus, "Please, Brer Fox, please don't throw me into the briar patch.") Wouldn’t it be better to look for wife in someone who actually likes you?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Along with filing tell her family why you are filing and expose to friends also maybe one of them just might talk some sense into her. Stop being afraid to lose her and you might get her back.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

She is leaving you for a quadripalegic?If this is true just wow!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Proceed with the D

Expose this "angel" to her family and friends


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Kasler said:


> As horrible as this fact is, abusive husbands rarely get cheated on and are very rarely a plan B, their wives wouldn't even consider it most of the time.


Have no idea where you are coming from on this ... and for the record, I know quite a few women who have cheated on their physically or emotionally abusive husbands.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Kasler said:


> As horrible as this fact is, abusive husbands rarely get cheated on and are very rarely a plan B, their wives wouldn't even consider it most of the time.


I'd like to know where you get your facts from.

Or does it just "seem to make sense to you" that abused wives would be intimidated into loyalty and devotion?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

How about ending the thread jack and helping the OP?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Why is there an abuse discussion going on--or did I miss something??????

Let her go, as you stated---she is gonna find out when reality hits her---that screwed up, big time

This guy, as he gets older, won't be able to perform at all for her, then what does she do for intimacy-----plis he will grow old very fast right in front of her----with him, her future, isn't very bright---so what is it, does she have a mother theresa complex

You need to just stay with your game plan, but put REALITY SQUARELY IN FRONT OF HER

As of now you go dark on her---and she is to as of RIGHT NOW---start paying half of each and every bill the marital family has to pay-----includung---house, car, all insurances, necessities of life---cut off her CC's---and put all monies in an acct., with only your name on it

If she doesn't work---tell her she needs to get a job.

She needs to see what reality is really like, maybe that will wake her up


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

To the two who posted send me a pm if interested, not gonna derail.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

Leading Man said:


> Well it's been a while since I posted here. Thought typing something might give me a little personal therapy.
> 
> My wife has been in a EA for about 4 months. I investigated enough to know for sure what was going on. Then early January I filed for a divorce. We're still in the same house. I suggested many times that we should do some counseling and that if she would consider working on our marriage that I would stall the divorce proceedings. So far no progress.
> 
> ...


I think you want to save this marriage. What have you done toward that end? Have you exposed their affair? Is this a workplace affair?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sadly his morals also seem to be broken.

Just grease his brakes.

No. I am sorry I even thought that.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

There appear to be many WS's who are too cowardly to do many things. They can't honor their vows. They can't tell the truth. They can't make a decision that would cast them in a bad light.

Your W is wringing her hands because she 'loves two people'? No, she doesn't want to look or feel like a bad person. She's too afraid to admit what she is and what she's done.

I think you should just divorce her. And then make sure everyone knows the truth so that she looks as bad as she is.


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## Leading Man (Dec 11, 2012)

Regarding the "mother theresa" complex, I'm not sure what that means exactly, but if it's kind of like having deep empathy for someone less fortunate, yes she's got that. 

She met this OM at her work at a retirement home. She was working there full time then chose to go to half time since a full time schedule made things tough to be a wife, mother of 3 and a WS all at once. If we divorce, I don't know how her income reduction will be viewed with regard to support. I have a full time job that pays about 15% more than what her full time job paid. Fortunately my job fits very well with the kids' needs and schedule.

I now realize I need to quit suggesting counseling and quit trying to pull her back into the marriage. Work on myself and hope for some favorable outcomes if the divorce comes to fruition.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Leading Man said:


> I now realize I need to quit suggesting counseling and quit trying to pull her back into the marriage. Work on myself and hope for some favorable outcomes if the divorce comes to fruition.


Great. But you should also file for divorce while you're at it. Sitting around waiting for your wife to make a move isn't helping you either.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Tell her to pack and move out. Grow a pair pal...and I mean that in the kindest way, because you really need to show some self respect. 

Gawd almighty....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Leading Man (Dec 11, 2012)

I did file for divorce on January 4th, 2013. I did say on more than one occasion if this is what she wanted to do then she should leave. I can't get her out of the house. She feels she has the advantage in the court system that I would be the one forced out. In WI, I think she may be right.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Leading Man said:


> I did file for divorce on January 4th, 2013. I did say on more than one occasion if this is what she wanted to do then she should leave. I can't get her out of the house. She feels she has the advantage in the court system that I would be the one forced out. In WI, I think she may be right.


But you don't KNOW that to be right. You need to check for yourself. Remember she will not shoot anything straight so it is unlikely she would tell you the truth. 

Q~


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Throw her crap out on the lawn. Do it every day and let her pick it up until she can't take it anymore. She'll leave eventually.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

She is cake eating. This needs to stop. 

Are you sure he is a quadriplegic? Or is this an eloborate lie? 

I think you need to remove yourself from the equation. Make it clear you do not want her. Have her go to him for everything. Once she really sees how limited he is due to his disability, she will be begging to R. But until you force her hand, she will continue to have her needs met by both you and OM. She needs to realize OM can only meet her needs on an emotional level.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Leading Man said:


> We're still in the same house. *I suggested many times ... that if she would consider working on our marriage that I would stall the divorce proceedings*. So far no progress.
> 
> I asked her again today if she was ready to work on our marriage. She said she doesn't know what to do. She loves this other man and she loves me. She says I need to continue with the divorce because I don't deserve to live like this.


I don't know if you are following advice you received on this forum about filing for divorce, but if you are, you are doing it wrong.

If she KNOWS you will stop the divorce at her request, in her mind, she has plenty of time to continue getting the best of both worlds. She will wait until the day before the divorce is final and then tell you she wants to work on the marriage, knowing that you will stop the divorce for her. Then, after the divorce is stopped, she will start back up with the other man.

What you have to do is to start detaching from her, talk to her only about the divorce settlement and custody issues. Like you are separated or even divorced already. Sleep in separate bedrooms. It's OK to say good morning, good night, but that's about it other than the divorce settlement and the kids.

What you are doing is driving her towards the other man. She is doubting her future with the other man, otherwise she wouldn't even hold out hope for you. She has very serious doubts. But you are so easy and willing, she doesn't have to fully commit to you until the divorce is about to be finalized, you told her you are willing to reconcile whenever she says so. If that's not what you said, I guarantee you, that's what she heard.

Sit her down without the kids and have a talk with her. Tell her that you've reached the end of your rope, that she has one day to decide, you or him. No decision means him. It it's you, then she ends all contact with him now and forever, quits her job, and lets you do whatever you feel you need to do to verify that she has ended contact and maintains no contact. If she chooses him, or she makes no decision, tell her that maybe she can "win" you back after the divorce, but you no longer can go on in limbo this way. If she doesn't choose you, you WILL get divorced. Why is this so scary for you, it's where you're headed anyway? 

Tell her you love her, that you will work on improving your marriage and work on improving whatever legitimate faults you have, and you expect her to do the same. Tell her you want to go forward with her and have a better marriage than ever, but she's strung you along for four months already and you just can't live with the uncertainty any longer. Give her 24 hours to decide.

If she doesn't choose you, then let her family know all of the details. Usually I would recommend calling them to tell them directly, but since they think so poorly of you, that you are the cause of their daughter's unhappiness and they are just glad she is getting away from you, I would recommend that you write them a one-page letter, no lengthier than that. Tell them that she has cheated on you with other man, that she refuses to end the affair, and that is why you filed for divorce. Give them other man's name and where he lives and that she knows him from being his nurse. Tell them you love your wife and that, although you have faults, so does she, and you did not deserve to be cheated on. Ask for them to use their influence with your wife to convince her to end her affair and work on her marriage, if nothing else, for the sake of the children.

Write the same letter and email it, Facebook message it, or mail it to other man's close family and close friends. Tell them that your wife told you she still loves you, but that she also thinks she loves the other man, and that the affair is hurting your innocent children, who deserve to grow up in a family with both parents. Ask them to influence other man to do the right thing and end the affair.

Write basically the same letter to the other man.

If your wife gets angry, tell her that you are fighting for her and fighting for your marriage, and all you are doing is telling the truth; tell her since she doesn't want to be with you anyway, you are done covering up for her and you are finished living a lie with everyone thinking the divorce is for some other reason than her unfaithfulness. All you are doing is telling the truth.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

LM she's chosen already loud and clearly, she chose him over her family. 

So she cut back her hours so that she could have more time to continue the affair. You should see about using her full time Salary in the divorce paperwork , not the part time she will try. After all would 
it wouldnt be ok for her to quit working all together and have you at her to take carepf the OM would it?

Do not let her take you to the cleaners to enable her cheating.

Have you exposed it to friends family and the kids as well as the home she's at?i gotta think that caregivers are not allowed to gave romantic relationships with patients,


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

Leading Man said:


> as Billy Squire would say "another one bites the dust." Any thoughts?


Did he? I thought that was Queen.
I thought Billy was "The Stroke"- which is what you will be doing with hot young babes while your wife is off cleaning up the slobber from OM.


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## Leading Man (Dec 11, 2012)

My bad you're right, Queen not Billy Squire.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Abusive does not equal alpha. Most abusers ARE alphas but not all alphas are abusers

Good relationships balance male alpha and beta qualities. Alpha attracts her. Beta helps hold her. 100% of either won't last usually.

Anyway. Above are right. Proceed with D and go hard 180. You drastically need to up the alpha.

How old are you?


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> Abusive does not equal alpha. Most abusers ARE alphas but not all alphas are abusers
> 
> Good relationships balance male alpha and beta qualities. Alpha attracts her. Beta helps hold her. 100% of either won't last usually.
> 
> ...


Alpha/Beta won't work with a broken person. If you want to wake her up, just file for divorce.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

John2012 said:


> Alpha/Beta won't work with a broken person. If you want to wake her up, just file for divorce.


He already did file divorce. And by upping alpha I mean go hard 180 and stop asking her to reconcile. She will or she won't She needs a reality slap harcore.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Tell her to pack and move out. Grow a pair pal...and I mean that in the kindest way, because you really need to show some self respect.
> 
> Gawd almighty....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The next time she leaves the house put her stuff on the street tell her family and yours that she is having an A with this POS. Where wife is very deep in the fog. With her Dad saying wtf and her stuff on the lawn that is a hughe wake up call.

Get you money devided up as well. Cancel her Credit Cards.

Do not think it over do not talk it out get it done. Man of action


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## Leading Man (Dec 11, 2012)

I just turned 44, wife is 36. Reality slap would be 1) judge orders her to leave the home 2) judge grants me at least 50% - preferably 70% or more custody 3) judge decides she has the ability to work more, therefore no maintenance. I've been asking other divorcees and lawyers and have not acquired any really useful advice yet.

It wouldn't be so bad if she would just leave. Split asset values equally, she work hard at her job, me at mine, she visit the kids as often or infrequently as she desires, and she go on to live her life anyway she chooses. It pisses me off that she makes these choices and then is willing to remove me from the kids lives up to 50% of the time at such fun and formative years. Three boys 14,10,and 5.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

John2012 said:


> Alpha/Beta won't work with a broken person. If you want to wake her up, just file for divorce.


Wow again golden nugget. 

These things need to be god dammed sticky..


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

What is your Lawyer saying ? Each state is different

Take a day off and go to family court and listen to what the judges have to say. Your allowed to sit in as it is open to the public, usually.

LM trust me you need to be stronger then even you want to. Please trust me. I'm loosing my wife and kids because I was weak in the beginning. The more this drags out the nastier she will become and its her actions now that will define if you will ever take her back. 

If I was stronger in the beginning I do believe she would have thought differently. But instead she became cruel and insensitive to me and my feelings. It is those acts and actions that will make impossible for me to forgive her if she ever does want to reconcile. 

You don't want to be in that position where your dignity and pride are fighting from getting your kids back. I know it tears at me every day.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Hardtohandle said:


> Take a day off and go to family court and listen to what the judges have to say. Your allowed to sit in as it is open to the public, usually.


This is really interesting, good advice.


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