# Please help me understand better what happened in my marriage



## anna88 (Dec 10, 2017)

I need the opinions of men here in this group. I have so many doubts and regrets about my failed marriage and I need to find some answers. We are currently in a nasty divorce and custody battle. We have 2 kids, both in our mid 30s. There were a lot of issues in my marriage. He got angry very easily and we had many fights and sometimes he would become verbally and physically abusive. I filed for divorce and restraining order. I got the restraining order from court for 6 months. I was pregnant with our second child. I somehow hoped he will learn from his mistakes and would want to reconcile. He didn't. He found someone else. Meantime he still drags me in court and as he said it, he "will never forgive me for that restraining order". I never asked him to come back, didn't cry, didn't beg, I didn't say anything to him. I try to act ok when he comes to see the kids but inside I am a wreck. I don't know what I want, I just have these thoughts and no one to talk to because they are so private. So, we were each other firsts. He has been the only man in my life. Our sexual life was ok until one point when he started to prefer oral. I didn't enjoy it but I did it for him. He came down on me like 2-3 times a year. But he asked for bjs every other day. I got frustrated, I felt used. He didn't show any sign of affection for a long time: no hugging, no kissing, no holding hands. When I tried to hug him he didn't let me. When we did have sex , I enjoyed it and I climaxed almost each time ( with very few exceptions). But than he refused to wear condoms saying that he didn't get enough pleasure with them. I was on the pill but I felt really bad and had huge mood swings so I stopped them. I asked him to please wear the condom. I didn't want another pregnancy. He refused it so I became really stressed and didn't enjoy sex so much. He asked for bjs instead and somehow I agreed because I was afraid to get pregnant. But he started to ask it more frequently and it became as a duty for me, I started to hate it. Maybe this turned him on, he didn't care I didn't like it anymore. Than he wanted me to swallow and I just couldn't do it. I believe a lot of our problems happened because of our sexual life. He asked for a bj and if I refused he didn't talk with me for days. He would totally ignore me. Than he would snap at something stupid like the food not being good enough, the house not clean enough , than the name calling and slapping, shoving. Now he has this younger woman and he told me that I was never good in bed. My self esteem is so law. I am on survival mode and it's so hard. I have regrets. I am thinking that this woman knows how to satisfy him in bed. I am just so lost. He was very jealous and always accused me of cheating on him. I am thinking that maybe he cheated on me while married. Looking back he became so distant, his phone had a password, but he had access at mine. I am trying to make peace with my past. Please let me know your opinion, thank you so much!


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

Anna88,

I'm very sorry you are in this position. As you know there are many others that have been through some of the same issues you describe.

There is no way for anyone to know what went on in your STBXH mind. There can be many reasons for his behavior. It sounds to me like he was a complete S##t.

You need to realize that it was nothing you did or didn't do. 

I would suggest counseling to help you sort your feelings and get your self-esteem back. It was helpful to me in my separation just to have someone to talk to.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

anna88 said:


> I need the opinions of men here in this group. I have so many doubts and regrets about my failed marriage and I need to find some answers. We are currently in a nasty divorce and custody battle. We have 2 kids, both in our mid 30s. There were a lot of issues in my marriage. He got angry very easily and we had many fights and sometimes he would become verbally and physically abusive. I filed for divorce and restraining order. I got the restraining order from court for 6 months. I was pregnant with our second child. I somehow hoped he will learn from his mistakes and would want to reconcile. He didn't. He found someone else. Meantime he still drags me in court and as he said it, he "will never forgive me for that restraining order". I never asked him to come back, didn't cry, didn't beg, I didn't say anything to him. I try to act ok when he comes to see the kids but inside I am a wreck. I don't know what I want, I just have these thoughts and no one to talk to because they are so private. So, we were each other firsts. He has been the only man in my life. Our sexual life was ok until one point when he started to prefer oral. I didn't enjoy it but I did it for him. He came down on me like 2-3 times a year. But he asked for bjs every other day. I got frustrated, I felt used. He didn't show any sign of affection for a long time: no hugging, no kissing, no holding hands. When I tried to hug him he didn't let me. When we did have sex , I enjoyed it and I climaxed almost each time ( with very few exceptions). But than he refused to wear condoms saying that he didn't get enough pleasure with them. I was on the pill but I felt really bad and had huge mood swings so I stopped them. I asked him to please wear the condom. I didn't want another pregnancy. He refused it so I became really stressed and didn't enjoy sex so much. He asked for bjs instead and somehow I agreed because I was afraid to get pregnant. But he started to ask it more frequently and it became as a duty for me, I started to hate it. Maybe this turned him on, he didn't care I didn't like it anymore. Than he wanted me to swallow and I just couldn't do it. I believe a lot of our problems happened because of our sexual life. He asked for a bj and if I refused he didn't talk with me for days. He would totally ignore me. Than he would snap at something stupid like the food not being good enough, the house not clean enough , than the name calling and slapping, shoving. Now he has this younger woman and he told me that I was never good in bed. My self esteem is so law. I am on survival mode and it's so hard. I have regrets. I am thinking that this woman knows how to satisfy him in bed. I am just so lost. He was very jealous and always accused me of cheating on him. I am thinking that maybe he cheated on me while married. Looking back he became so distant, his phone had a password, but he had access at mine. I am trying to make peace with my past. Please let me know your opinion, thank you so much!


What type of questions do you need answered Anna?, This isn't a good marriage as you have explained. If your more specific, it will help. Is it should you stay and fight? And what of your past do you need to make peace with?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

" He didn't show any sign of affection for a long time: no hugging, no kissing, no holding hands. When I tried to hug him he didn't let me."

"But he started to ask it more frequently and it became as a duty for me, I started to hate it. Maybe this turned him on, he didn't care I didn't like it anymore. Than he wanted me to swallow and I just couldn't do it. I believe a lot of our problems happened because of our sexual life. He asked for a bj and if I refused he didn't talk with me for days. He would totally ignore me. Than he would snap at something stupid like the food not being good enough, the house not clean enough , than the name calling and slapping, shoving."

"Now he has this younger woman and he told me that I was never good in bed. My self esteem is so law. "

Anna, make peace with your past. 
HE is obviously a controlling, manipulative person. HE wanted oral sex, but never gave it to you. HE didn't show any sort of affection, and yet he "EXPECTED" BJs all the time? I would say that HE is the one who was awful at sex, not you. There are many on this site (read the threads) where a wife won't give ANY oral sex. This is not YOU being bad in bed, so please try to get over that one -- he is saying that to cause you pain, and to cause your to have lower self-esteem. Do NOT let him win that one.

He told you that you were never good in bed -- I can tell you this -- He said this to PURPOSELY hurt you. He slapped and shoved you!??? He is NOT a man. A male who abuses a woman or child is a COWARD. He tries to make HIMSELF feel better for his own inadequacies by taking them out on someone weaker.

You were RIGHT in getting the restraining order -- a "man" who acts like he does should NOT have continuing unfettered access to those he abused. Him saying that he will never forget that is just a way for him to try and intimidate and manipulate you. GREAT that you said nothing to him. Continue to do this. Do what you need to for YOU and your children -- make sure you are financially and physically secure. Stick with the plan that you have with your lawyer. You will be ok, you will make it through, and you will have a better life.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

He sounds like a nightmare and the new woman is just a new victim. Nothing more.


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## anna88 (Dec 10, 2017)

Tilted 1 said:


> anna88 said:
> 
> 
> > I need the opinions of men here in this group. I have so many doubts and regrets about my failed marriage and I need to find some answers. We are currently in a nasty divorce and custody battle. We have 2 kids, both in our mid 30s. There were a lot of issues in my marriage. He got angry very easily and we had many fights and sometimes he would become verbally and physically abusive. I filed for divorce and restraining order. I got the restraining order from court for 6 months. I was pregnant with our second child. I somehow hoped he will learn from his mistakes and would want to reconcile. He didn't. He found someone else. Meantime he still drags me in court and as he said it, he "will never forgive me for that restraining order". I never asked him to come back, didn't cry, didn't beg, I didn't say anything to him. I try to act ok when he comes to see the kids but inside I am a wreck. I don't know what I want, I just have these thoughts and no one to talk to because they are so private. So, we were each other firsts. He has been the only man in my life. Our sexual life was ok until one point when he started to prefer oral. I didn't enjoy it but I did it for him. He came down on me like 2-3 times a year. But he asked for bjs every other day. I got frustrated, I felt used. He didn't show any sign of affection for a long time: no hugging, no kissing, no holding hands. When I tried to hug him he didn't let me. When we did have sex , I enjoyed it and I climaxed almost each time ( with very few exceptions). But than he refused to wear condoms saying that he didn't get enough pleasure with them. I was on the pill but I felt really bad and had huge mood swings so I stopped them. I asked him to please wear the condom. I didn't want another pregnancy. He refused it so I became really stressed and didn't enjoy sex so much. He asked for bjs instead and somehow I agreed because I was afraid to get pregnant. But he started to ask it more frequently and it became as a duty for me, I started to hate it. Maybe this turned him on, he didn't care I didn't like it anymore. Than he wanted me to swallow and I just couldn't do it. I believe a lot of our problems happened because of our sexual life. He asked for a bj and if I refused he didn't talk with me for days. He would totally ignore me. Than he would snap at something stupid like the food not being good enough, the house not clean enough , than the name calling and slapping, shoving. Now he has this younger woman and he told me that I was never good in bed. My self esteem is so law. I am on survival mode and it's so hard. I have regrets. I am thinking that this woman knows how to satisfy him in bed. I am just so lost. He was very jealous and always accused me of cheating on him. I am thinking that maybe he cheated on me while married. Looking back he became so distant, his phone had a password, but he had access at mine. I am trying to make peace with my past. Please let me know your opinion, thank you so much!
> ...



Yes, I sometime think about giving it another chance.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sorry I am not a man, but
Anna, you have made a lucky escape. A decent man would never treat his wife the way he treated you. He is a bully. He just wants to hurt you with his venomous statements, cause he knows he is the one with limitations. He is an abuser, his new GF is his latest victim. Get therapy and move on, you will find someone who will love you as you are.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

anna88 said:


> Yes, I sometime think about giving it another chance.


Please don't. He is not husband material. Once he hit/shoved you he lost all rights to have you as his wife. Someday you'll be the woman some guy feels over the moon lucky to have in his life. Your husband is not that guy. He is the one who is bad in bed. He sounds like a total nightmare. His physical abuse of you will only get worse with time, as will his complete neglect of your emotional needs. 

Be strong.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@anna88,

What happened in your marriage is that you married a man who is an abuser and who cannot love another person. He's the problem, not you.

If you have a restraining order against him, why is he coming to your house to see the children? You need to talk to your lawyer about making it so that he cannot come anywhere near you, that includes your home.

When I was divorcing my son's father, he was doing things and saying things similar to what your husband is doing/saying. So my lawyer had a stipulation added to our divorce that he was not allowed to even come to my door, much less come into my home. Instead he had to call from his car to let me know what he was there and then my son would walk out to his car. When he dropped my son off, my son would walk from he father's car to my door and I'd let him in. My ex was not allowed to come on my property. 

Since you have a baby, the baby cannot walk to the car. Sometimes, in a situation like this, you can setup supervised pick-up/drop-off of children. This way there is always someone around to make sure that he you are safe and protected from his abuse. Talk to your lawyer about what's available where you live.

The divorce also stipulated that all communication between us had to be via email or written letters. Today adding text message would be ok too (my divorce was in 1996 before everyone used text messages  ) I'm glad that we had the rule because he tried to tell the judge, the lawyers and custody evaluators lies about me. I had all his emails and letters to show them. The letters and emails were full of snide comments, insults, etc... from him to me. After I showed them the emails/letter, my ex started only sending polite and business-like letters/email. He did that because he suddenly realized that the world would finally get to see how mean and abusive he is.

It's normal to think that your husband's new, younger girlfriend will be getting the good side of him. It's even normal to be jealous of her. But the fact is, as others have stated, she's his new victim. Sure, he might treat her good for a while but once he no longer has you to abuse, he will turn his abuse onto her. 



anna88 said:


> Yes, I sometime think about giving it another chance.


Why? Surely you don't want to be abused any more. He's not going to change. You know what he's like now. He's a mean, abusive, violent man. Why would you ever want to have that back in your life?


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## anna88 (Dec 10, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> @anna88,
> 
> What happened in your marriage is that you married a man who is an abuser and who cannot love another person. He's the problem, not you.
> 
> ...


We are using email for communication. At the last hearing in court he brought a fake email as coming from my email address. I don't know how he could have done this. My account is secure, I am changing passwords every other day. Also it has step 2 verification on my phone. So I really don't know what happened. I am afraid he will bring mire and more fake evidence and tell more lies.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anna88 said:


> We are using email for communication. At the last hearing in court he brought a fake email as coming from my email address. I don't know how he could have done this. My account is secure, I am changing passwords every other day. Also it has step 2 verification on my phone. So I really don't know what happened. I am afraid he will bring mire and more fake evidence and tell more lies.


He brought a fake email? Do you mean that he brought a fake email printed on paper? If that's what he did, it's easy to create a file that looks like an email.

If it was not just a print out of something that looked like an email, what did he show in court?


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## anna88 (Dec 10, 2017)

I know how he is, but somehow I still hoped he could change. I think people can change if they want to. But he chose not to try and work on our marriage. It hurts to see how quickly he moved on. And now everything he does is try to make my life miserable. He says nasty things about me to our son and fights me in court to win him and leave my daugheter with me. I cannot agree to this, I don't want my children to be sepparated. This woman takes care of my son when he visits his father ( every other weekend). I don't even know her.


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## anna88 (Dec 10, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> anna88 said:
> 
> 
> > We are using email for communication. At the last hearing in court he brought a fake email as coming from my email address. I don't know how he could have done this. My account is secure, I am changing passwords every other day. Also it has step 2 verification on my phone. So I really don't know what happened. I am afraid he will bring mire and more fake evidence and tell more lies.
> ...



Yes, it was a fake email printed on paper. I


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

anna88 said:


> I need the opinions of men here in this group. I have so many doubts and regrets about my failed marriage and I need to find some answers. We are currently in a nasty divorce and custody battle. We have 2 kids, both in our mid 30s. There were a lot of issues in my marriage. He got angry very easily and we had many fights and sometimes he would become verbally and physically abusive. I filed for divorce and restraining order. I got the restraining order from court for 6 months. I was pregnant with our second child. I somehow hoped he will learn from his mistakes and would want to reconcile. He didn't. He found someone else. Meantime he still drags me in court and as he said it, he "will never forgive me for that restraining order". I never asked him to come back, didn't cry, didn't beg,
> 
> I didn't say anything to him. I try to act ok when he comes to see the kids but inside I am a wreck. I don't know what I want, I just have these thoughts and no one to talk to because they are so private. So, we were each other firsts. He has been the only man in my life. Our sexual life was ok until one point when he started to prefer oral. I didn't enjoy it but I did it for him. He came down on me like 2-3 times a year. But he asked for bjs every other day. I got frustrated, I felt used. He didn't show any sign of affection for a long time: no hugging, no kissing, no holding hands. When I tried to hug him he didn't let me. When we did have sex , I enjoyed it and I climaxed almost each time ( with very few exceptions). But than he refused to wear condoms saying that he didn't get enough pleasure with them. I was on the pill but I felt really bad and had huge mood swings so I stopped them. I asked him to please wear the condom. I didn't want another pregnancy. He refused it so I became really stressed and didn't enjoy sex so much. He asked for bjs instead and somehow I agreed because I was afraid to get pregnant. But he started to ask it more frequently and it became as a duty for me, I started to hate it. Maybe this turned him on, he didn't care I didn't like it anymore. Than he wanted me to swallow and I just couldn't do it. I believe a lot of our problems happened because of our sexual life. He asked for a bj and if I refused he didn't talk with me for days. He would totally ignore me. Than he would snap at something stupid like the food not being good enough, the house not clean enough , than the name calling and slapping, shoving. Now he has this younger woman and he told me that I was never good in bed. My self esteem is so law. I am on survival mode and it's so hard. I have regrets.
> 
> I am thinking that this woman knows how to satisfy him in bed. I am just so lost. He was very jealous and always accused me of cheating on him. I am thinking that maybe he cheated on me while married. Looking back he became so distant, his phone had a password, but he had access at mine. I am trying to make peace with my past. Please let me know your opinion, thank you so much!


Quit worrying about your ex.

Your ex-husband is a piece of trash. He’s an abuser and don’t believe anything he stated. You dared to tell him no and that’s why HE made the marriage fail. You can never satisfy a taker.


Don’t you dare risk your life going back to this terrible man.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

anna88 said:


> I think people can change if they want to.


This can happen, but like you wrote “if they want to.”

He doesn’t want to. Look at all of his actions since he decided to end the marriage.


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## anna88 (Dec 10, 2017)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> anna88 said:
> 
> 
> > I think people can change if they want to.
> ...


Hell broke loose.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

anna88 said:


> Yes, I sometime think about giving it another chance.


*Don't even think about doing it! You have way too much to lose!

He has more than displayed his true colors! Why on earth would you ever want to go back to hopelessness like that?*


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## anna88 (Dec 10, 2017)

arbitrator said:


> anna88 said:
> 
> 
> > Yes, I sometime think about giving it another chance.
> ...



My mind keeps replaying our happy moments.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anna88 said:


> Yes, it was a fake email printed on paper.


Did you lawyer suggest anything that you can use to prove that it's a fake email?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anna88 said:


> My mind keeps replaying our happy moments.


Make a written list of the bad things that he did. Then when your mind starts to reply the happy moments, read the list. Over time this will train your brain to not think about happy times with him.

A person is only as good as the worst things that they do. He's not really the person who you had happy moments with. He's the bad guy who is mean and abusive. Abusive people pretend to be nice when it suits their purpose. And they will turn on a dime to be mean and abusive to get their way.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anna88 said:


> Yes, it was a fake email printed on paper.


How do you access your email account, via cell phone or via computer over some internet provider?

He might have tapped into your service somehow. Is he very computer literate? would he know how to do this?

Also, he could have put a keystroke logger on your computer or cell phone. There are ones that will send everything you do on the device to a website. If he has done this, he will see your email password every time you type it.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

anna88 said:


> Yes, I sometime think about giving it another chance.


Don’t. 

The answers you seek aren’t with him. You will find them yourself when you’ve been away from him long enough and have healed enough to see them.


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## anna88 (Dec 10, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> anna88 said:
> 
> 
> > Yes, it was a fake email printed on paper.
> ...



No, we are still trying to find a solution.


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## anna88 (Dec 10, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> anna88 said:
> 
> 
> > Yes, it was a fake email printed on paper.
> ...



He is computer literate. But doesn't have access on my phone or computer.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s abusive and he doesn’t want to change. He did you a tremendous favor when he moved on. Remember that, because one day he may get tired of her and want to come back. You may be tempted to try again but don’t. That would be a huge mistake. 

I posted on one of your other threads some time ago that you need to work on you. So what are you doing to rebuild your life?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I'm female, but I want you to think from my perspective. If y'all were each other's first, you have nothing to compare him to--good or bad. He may or may not have cheated during marriage, but how would he think you were bad in bed if he had no one to compare you to--'til now. 

You are jealous of his new, young girl. You are still young, but he has undermined you physically, mentally, emotionally. He sounds very selfish to me. Do you not see the meanness progression? You could never have danced fast enough to please him--it is all about him.

Remember the happy times, but do not forget all the others. Read about the classic cycle of abuse and apply to your situation. Do not think of this situation as winner and/or losers. Think of victim/survivor--you were his victim, but are rising above the pain and becoming a survivor. It is not easy, but you can do this. Set a good example for your children. Do not let his threats (like to take your son) derail your progress.


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## anna88 (Dec 10, 2017)

Openminded said:


> He’s abusive and he doesn’t want to change. He did you a tremendous favor when he moved on. Remember that, because one day he may get tired of her and want to come back. You may be tempted to try again but don’t. That would be a huge mistake.
> 
> I posted on one of your other threads some time ago that you need to work on you. So what are you doing to rebuild your life?



I am busy with the kids so I have little time for myself for the moment. I am so stressed and also have these depressing thoughts and regrets and they are slowing me down. Things still need to be done so I push myself everyday to make the necessary for my kids.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

anna88 said:


> Yes, I sometime think about giving it another chance.


No never give the abuser another chance, he should have never been treating you or your children like the, and that the reason for the RO. Spare yourself and your children the pain, and the many sleepless night that would come. He doesn't deserve you, because you're even thinking of this. He's out any YOU and your children need a better life 

Best 
Tilted


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## anna88 (Dec 10, 2017)

sunsetmist said:


> I'm female, but I want you to think from my perspective. If y'all were each other's first, you have nothing to compare him to--good or bad. He may or may not have cheated during marriage, but how would he think you were bad in bed if he had no one to compare you to--'til now.
> 
> You are jealous of his new, young girl. You are still young, but he has undermined you physically, mentally, emotionally. He sounds very selfish to me. Do you not see the meanness progression? You could never have danced fast enough to please him--it is all about him.
> 
> Remember the happy times, but do not forget all the others. Read about the classic cycle of abuse and apply to your situation. Do not think of this situation as winner and/or losers. Think of victim/survivor--you were his victim, but are rising above the pain and becoming a survivor. It is not easy, but you can do this. Set a good example for your children. Do not let his threats (like to take your son) derail your progress.


He is not only threatening to take my son. He does everything in order to win in court. I am afraid he will keep opening file after file.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

anna88 said:


> We are using email for communication. At the last hearing in court he brought a fake email as coming from my email address. I don't know how he could have done this. My account is secure, I am changing passwords every other day. Also it has step 2 verification on my phone. So I really don't know what happened. I am afraid he will bring mire and more fake evidence and tell more lies.


All you need to do to cover yourself is have your phone audited and all text from your personal phone, to disprove the ass.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

anna88 said:


> I know how he is, but somehow I still hoped he could change. I think people can change if they want to. .


You are just seeing the beginning of rage and hate towards you and your children. Abusers don't change their strips they just devour the current meal and move on to the next kill ( sorry Anna) but this is real anger and rage in him. He needs his but kicked by a man. For his come to Jesus moment!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anna88 said:


> He is computer literate. But doesn't have access on my phone or computer.



If he does not have access, then why do you change your password so often?

The term "computer literate" is a vague term. Is he a software engineer, computer scientist, IT professional, etc... or does he just know how to use things like Microsoft office applications, email, etc?

I'm asking because the level of experience and training a person has makes a huge difference in what they can do to hack into someone's system, email accounts, etc.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anna88 said:


> He is not only threatening to take my son. He does everything in order to win in court. *I am afraid he will keep opening file after file.*


What do you mean by that, "opening file after file"? Do you mean make more and more claims and filings to the court?

If he has more income and money than you do, you can ask your attorney to ask the court to make him pay your legal fees. That way, when he goes after you in court, he will be paying twice as much. That often gets the person with more money to stop using the courts for this sort of nonsense.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tilted 1 said:


> All you need to do to cover yourself is have your phone audited and all text from your personal phone, to disprove the ass.


Yes... and Anna can also have her email account and her husband's email accounts audited if he's claiming that she sent emails that she did not send.


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## anna88 (Dec 10, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> anna88 said:
> 
> 
> > He is computer literate. But doesn't have access on my phone or computer.
> ...




He is an IT professional.


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## anna88 (Dec 10, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> anna88 said:
> 
> 
> > He is not only threatening to take my son. He does everything in order to win in court. *I am afraid he will keep opening file after file.*
> ...


Yes, he threatened to make more claims and filings to the court.


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## BigbadBootyDaddy (Jun 18, 2018)

Photoshopping an email, it has been done before.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

Besides dealing with the legal ramifications of your divorce, the other important thing you should work on is understanding why you thought any of his behavior was OK. What inside you makes you think that his entitlement and anger issues are something you should expect from someone or are acceptable in a relationship?

I've done a ton of introspection since my separation and I think I've identified some of the things in my psyche that made me tend to accept someone that wasn't compatible with me, to unconsciously encourage bad communication and behavior patterns, and to stay in a relationship that had run its course. I don't think that this kind of thought process will necessarily help much in your current interactions with your ex except being able to identify where you are accepting treatment that isn't appropriate. Being confident in your interactions and not having a victim mindset or tone of communication *might* help a little bit in dissuading your ex from aggressive behavior.

Conscious Uncoupling by Katherine Thomas has been useful to me in asking the right kinds of questions to myself to identify my role in what happened and (presumably) avoid the same thing in the future.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Don't worry about your ex. You most definitely don't want anyone who is willing to hurt you physically. And it's very likely that his recollection of the events is different than yours. So, just protect yourself and live your life.

As far as your sex life goes, if you don't like oral and don't really see it as something you will do in future relationships then you need to own it, get comfortable with it, and just move on with life. Might that choice be a deal breaker for someone down the road? Sure, but that's life.

Understand I'm not being flip about this. Lots of folks have standards that turn people off; I know I do. For instance, I've decided that me and any future wife are going to keep what we had before separate and not be subject to alimony. She'll be well cared-for while together and protected in case something happens to me. But as a matter of principle I won't surrender huge chunks of my wealth to someone who did zero to provide it, and I won't ask someone else for it either. Also, I don't want to provide for someone who isn't with me and I don't want it from anyone else.

I know that will turn off some potential good partners. But that's just the way it is; I own my preferences and won't sweat it if my ideals chase someone away.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Closing thread. Resurrected zombie by a spammer. 

@anna88 please contact a Moderator if you come back and i like to have it reopened.


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