# Marriage Communication and Financial Imbalance - Really need advice



## ArizonaLost (Mar 22, 2010)

We have been married/together for over 10 years. For the majority of those years, my spouse has been working on an artistic project. It is a passion, and my spouse is talented. However, there is no financial payment for the project until it is finished. And even then, we're not sure what the payment will be, or if it will be there at all.

For much of our time together, I have supported us financially. My spouse has brought some income into the relationship, but it has been sporadic and limited. She does something now, very part time, but the income, for instance, does not even cover a portion of the monthly housing payment. My spouse doesn't feel it necessarily to do most jobs, as they distract and take time from the passion/art, and has turned down several opportunities that could have led to positive, steady income. 

My spouse does work very hard at the art. But, of course there's not income from it - yet. I have urged my spouse to find work, just to gain an income, while working on the art project. However, they see this as an either/or situation. Either do the art, or some kind of job that they don't want to do, and then has no time for art. (Even though I have pointed out countless examples of other individuals who balance both, as most artists do).

All of this is putting a real strain on our relationship. I work constantly, and my income barely covers our expenses. I don't buy anything "fun", nor am I able to put any money into my own business (my own "passion/art" I suppose), thus keeping my successful business from growing. Thus, my own career is flatlining. I'm forced to watch every nickel, and we have nothing for savings.

I love my spouse, but I am at a loss on how we can continue. I'm not a "money" person, and for years, this has gone on, and I've tried to make it work, and tried to be supportive. But I'm out of patience. Plus, I only get to go around once in life, and I am working 24/7, and not advancing the way I should, having to do things work wise that I don't want to do just for the money. And I reap no "fun" benefits from my income, as there's just enough, barely, for our bills. And we have no children yet.

It has affected our relationship in terrible ways. In my spouse's defense, there are no shopping binges or anything like that. However, I am now in a position where I am scrutinizing every expenditure. My spouse spends far more on a monthly basis than I do, and much of this is probably "normal", but in our case, given that I spend nothing on myself, it seems crazy to me, and each time the credit card is used, my hackles are raised. And I hate this about myself. I hate that I have become this way.

I'm at my wit's end. I feel like it's beyond the money now, and is about my spouse taking advantage of me. I feel used. We actually have a good relationship, outside of the finances, which makes this even harder. However, this financial issue is like a cancer on our relationship, and it has grown into a huge tumor.

We have discussed it many times. Nothing really changes. I get depressed and don't walt to talk to my spouse for days at a time. I believe in my spouse and the art, but I feel like this has gone on long enough.

What should I do? I thought marriage would be a partnership, but our relationship feels very one sided in the financial arena. I feel like I need to do something to get through to my spouse that this is killing our relationship/marriage. I can't talk to friends about it. I don't know anyone else who has been in this kind of situation. And it just seems embarrassing. I am in need of help. Thanks for any advice.


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## Hopeful&Doubtful (Aug 24, 2008)

I can offer much advice as I find myself in the same situation. I have been taking care of my spouse for over 15 years. My spouse is following his dream of being a musician leaving me carring the load. Over the last couple of years I have become so resentful because I feel like I am being used and I wonder do him stay in the relationship because he know he was getting a full ride. As of recently, he have decided to open his own business but that is not making any money that can be contributed to our family. I am struggling to make ends meet and I am at a point were I don't know if I want to stay in the marraige. I wish you all the luck and hope I can benefit from any advice that you may receive.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would cut off all funding for anything but groceries, medical, and utilities. If she wants money for her art or anything else, she can get a job and pay for it. Tell her that you are at the stage in the marriage where you have to start putting that money you would have let her spend into a retirement fund and a fund for children's college.

It's one-sided because you _allow_ it to be, and because she's willing to take from you. That means it has to be _you_ who makes the change.


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## mc75 (Jan 23, 2011)

I know this is an old post, and I hope things worked out as I find myself in a similar situation. 

I have recently found some books useful for an artist who hasn't quite understood how to support oneself (and has been enabled in this): Careers for Creative and Unconventional People; Refuse to Choose; and The Renaissance Soul address those who see art and earning a living as an either/or. Simply letting my partner read these has helped. And the good old Your Money or Your Life has a chapter on how each partner's different view on money can affect a relationship.


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