# What Do You Think? - Part 2



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I need some help/advice.

I got blindsided last night by my husband (or that's how it felt to me) and I'm confused and need some clarification. 

Things have been stable for the last few days and we were eating dinner. My husband started talking about his speech therapy he went to that day and how well they said he was doing. 

I agreed with him that he had made great improvements.

After I made my comment, he said:

"Well good, then you'll feel better knowing I'm in good hands when you leave."

WTF?

I felt like I'd been thrown a curve ball.

I said to him - leave, I'm leaving - you want me to leave?

He said - well, that's all you've been talking about for the last year and a half.

I said - out of everything I've said to you, with all our issues, you only heard the word "leave."

He said - yep.

I was flabbegasted and momentarily stunned.

He then went on to say that he couldn't give me what I wanted and he tried to tell me that, but I wouldn't listen.

I then asked him, well - what do YOU think I want?

He said don't play games with me. I may not be all there (he pointed to his head), but I'm not stupid.

I said - no you're not and I don't think you are, but I want to know if you know what I want versus what you think I want?

I then said - is this about sex? This weekend you proved you are more than capable but for some reason you keep holding back from me and shutting yourself off from me and I just do not understand why exactly as you won't tell me.

He then asked me to just stop and be quiet.

I said - that's not fair, you lobby this ball at me and then expect me to just smile and carry on like you said nothing - well, I can't - I'm hurt and don't understand what you're driving at.

He then looked at me and said - ___, that's one of your biggest problems - you don't know when to be quiet and just shut up (there is a ring of truth to this - I have to admit it).

I then said - look - if you want me to leave and you don't want me anymore - then just tell me so - so I can figure out what to do - make plans.

You've never told me that - you just talk around it and ***** foot around - if you want this marriage to end, if you don't want me anymore and want me to leave - then just tell me - just tell me so I can make some decisions about my life.

I then left the room.

He went to bed.

This morning things are stable and normal (our normal). I fixed him breakfast, he thanked me and kissed me goodbye when I went to work.

This is what I "heard" last night:

- You keep saying you're going to leave, I expect you to leave.

- Since you're leaving, I'm not going to work on anything to fix things so that I don't put myself out there more just to get hurt more.

- I can't (whether it be mental or physical) give you what you want - you can't accept that.

- I don't want you to leave - but I can't stop you - but I can protect myself by checking out, shutting down, etc., so that when you do leave I can take care of myself and not fall apart.

I just started reading the book - How One Can Bring the Two of You Together and I'm finding that my strategies have been all wrong and it's no wonder they aren't working.

I keep staying angry, frustrated, disappointed, you name it because HE won't change like I want him to. I need to accept that HE will not change. I need to change how I react to what he does/says and own my own feelings of anger, frustration, disappointment, etc.

I need to lower my expectations - he's not who he used to be. I need to accept that and take "what" he can give or accept that I can't and leave.

I need to quit talking about leaving. That is making him feel uneasy and apparently, by his own admisstion - it's all he's focusing on - he is hearing nothing else. 

I need help - what I'm doing isn't working.

So what do you think he was "trying" to get across to me last night?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

What I think is that you are never going to bridge the gap between what he thinks, and what you think.

You are looking for something certain, and consistent to latch onto, so that you can feel a degree of certainty, and security.

I don't believe that is ever going to happen.

You aren't happy. He doesn't believe that he can make you happy. 

I think you are both probably emotionally exhausted.

The TBI makes EVERYTHING unpredictable. You don't know what you are going to get from moment to moment - but you want it to make sense. I can understand that.

I just don't know if it's possible given your husband's issues.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

I have read a few of your threads now. You have been with him a long time and it has been a very hard road lately.

It is frustrating cause it seems as if you are the only one trying to keep this marriage together. 

He doesn't seem like he wants to fight for it at all.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

A very hard situation.......

what would it take for you to just give up and leave?

unless you are prepared for this type of relationship the rest of your life I would seriously consider .................leaving for your sake and his it seem like no one is happy.


Good luck


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Yeah it is.

But I think I've figured out what "I" need to do with it.

My expectations of what I need/what are based on the old marriage - pre stroke/TBI. Those really aren't realistic anymore as we are facing a whole new set of physical and mental issues.

I need to quit expecting him to change and work on my reactions to what happens.

Adjust my expectations to what I'm actually dealing with than the dream of the past.

This is what I've had extreme difficulty with - I want what I had, but it's never going to happen, not with what's going on now and the aftermath of his TBI.

So I need to decide what I can live with, and still be happy and learn to accept what he "can" give instead of a dream of what I want him to give.

He, nor I created the TBI situation - but it is what it is.

I haven't dealt with it in the right way.

I keep holding out that things will go back to what they were - but that's not ever going to happen, but while I know that intellectually, I haven't reconciled it emotionally so that my expectations are based on what my situation is NOW, not what it was THEN.

I think if I can do that, for myself, I can be at peace with what I have and be happy to accept what he can give.

I know what I am doing is working against me - so it's time for a new strategy.

That strategy is:

- I have to assume that HE won't change - ever.
- I can only change how I "choose" to feel about the situation and what I "choose" to accept.
- I have to change my reaction to what I'm faced with. If I continue to expect the worse - that's all I'm going to see and/or get.

I'm working on that now, it won't happen overnight - but I'm going to take each day one day at a time and quit worrying about the future. If I can put one foot in front of the other and make each day as peaceful and as happy as possible FOR ME, that will reflect in how I manage my stress which will relieve stress from him.

We'll see how it goes.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Yeah it is.
> 
> But I think I've figured out what "I" need to do with it.
> 
> ...


Amazon.com: Awareness: The Perils and Opportunities of Reality (9780385249379): Anthony De Mello: Books


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## [email protected] (May 3, 2011)

I think he needs to hear you say. I'm not leaving, I don't want to leave. I want to be hear with you.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Amazon.com: Awareness: The Perils and Opportunities of Reality (9780385249379): Anthony De Mello: Books


Come on AFEH, you think I'm not living in reality?

Trust me - I am - but my reality is a bit skewed with ALL the factors involved.

This is not just me - dealing with an a$$hole.

There are "real" issues here - most not his fault, some his fault.

The trick or key for me, is determining WHAT he can own and what he can't own and that's where I have a disconnect and find it difficult to ascertain.

But believe me - I exist in this marriage in reality - maybe not the one I want - but I do actually recognize "what" the issues are - whether mine, his, TBI, etc.

What I don't have is the proper skills to deal with them, and this is where I struggle. This I'm working on - it's hard - put yourself in my "exact" shoes with everything you know - it's not that easy.

But thanks - I will check it out.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> The trick or key for me, is determining WHAT he can own and what he can't own and that's where I have a disconnect and find it difficult to ascertain.


I think this is the crux of the matter. What he can and can't own, may never be 'static' enough for you to be able to count on, and I don't blame him either.
Still comes down to what is going to work for you - and the problem is, you can't bank on what works one day, working the same the next.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Come on AFEH, you think I'm not living in reality?
> 
> Trust me - I am - but my reality is a bit skewed with ALL the factors involved.
> 
> ...


Well I’m here to tell you you don’t “know”. You think you do, but you don’t. I know you haven’t got it by your response.

I recommended that book on Awareness for a specific reason. But you wont know the reason until you buy it and read it!

You haven’t even got your foot on the first step of the ladder! Why? Because you are fighting the heck out of Acceptance!!! Read the book and you’ll get it. You will have the Epiphany moment, Light Bulb moments that you are seeking and really need!

Look. Your H has PTSD. Some get out of it, some don’t. Those that don’t become “Victims”. They make themselves Victims. YES. They make themselves Victims! Your H has a very well tuned “Victim Mentality”. Research the term.

And buy another book! “Emotional Intelligence” by Daniel Goleman. It’s a best selling ground breaking book. And guess what, it has a whole chapter on PTSD! The Emotional side of it.

Bob


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I understand he has medical issues in which there are a few things he can't help. 

However, he comes across on some things as a game player. Its like a game. Things are good, then they are not, based on what he said, what he didn't say, what he did what he didn't do, how you reacted or how you didn't react etc. I'm sure its very frustrating, to not know how to act or react sometimes. I still say there are many things he can help and those things are what seems like a game. What I mean by game is, I do think SOMETIMES he does things or doesn't do things, says things or doesn't say things to get a rise out of you, to confuse you and throw you a curve ball. WHY? I dunno after all he has mental/medical issues. 

I do think you have and will continue to learn ways on how to deal with things etc, him I'm not so sure.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

The things he can help, I'm not sure you will ever really know. I think you might spend a good part of the rest of your marriage trying to figure that out. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that, just that I doubt you will ever really know, unless he decides to tell you or decides to stop playing the victim role.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

trey69 said:


> The things he can help, I'm not sure you will ever really know. I think you might spend a good part of the rest of your marriage trying to figure that out. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that, just that I doubt you will ever really know, unless he decides to tell you or decides to stop playing the victim role.


He doesn't realize it - but he has made himself a VICTIM out of what's happened.

It's probably why he's so self-focused - because he feels sorry for himself and so everyone else needs to also.

I hear ya - I just don't know what I'm going to do about it (yet).

Thanks.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Jamison said:


> I understand he has medical issues in which there are a few things he can't help.
> 
> However, he comes across on some things as a game player. Its like a game. Things are good, then they are not, based on what he said, what he didn't say, what he did what he didn't do, how you reacted or how you didn't react etc. I'm sure its very frustrating, to not know how to act or react sometimes. I still say there are many things he can help and those things are what seems like a game. What I mean by game is, I do think SOMETIMES he does things or doesn't do things, says things or doesn't say things to get a rise out of you, to confuse you and throw you a curve ball. WHY? I dunno after all he has mental/medical issues.
> 
> I do think you have and will continue to learn ways on how to deal with things etc, him I'm not so sure.


I agree. He's not, as they say "in it to win it." Just me.

And it's becoming more obvious every day that love is not enough anymore.

I'm just torn in what to do that's best for us both.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Well I’m here to tell you you don’t “know”. You think you do, but you don’t. I know you haven’t got it by your response.
> 
> I recommended that book on Awareness for a specific reason. But you wont know the reason until you buy it and read it!
> 
> ...


Thanks for the references. I will definitely look them up and add them to my extensive "trying to fix my marriage" library - but it just may be too little, too late.

I do "know" the reality of what I'm dealing with - intellectually at least.

But "getting it" emotionally and taking action - whole different story.

Intellectually, I know:

- That I don't deserve this.
- That he is "damaged goods" at this point.
- That he may love me, but really doesn't give a s**t.
- That he can't or won't give me what I want or need.
- That he is depressed.
- That he has a drinking problem.
- That he is addicted to porn.
- That he isn't the husband I used to know.
- That he isn't the husband I need.

I got it - I know it - taking action - harder than I thought.

And so I'm just "existing" right now and trying to figure out what "I" want to do.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Well I’m here to tell you you don’t “know”. You think you do, but you don’t. I know you haven’t got it by your response.
> 
> I recommended that book on Awareness for a specific reason. But you wont know the reason until you buy it and read it!
> 
> ...


Oh, BTW - I am in a weekly PTSD support group for spouses to learn "how to deal" with the issues it represents - have been for almost a year now.

We discuss the physical and emotional side of PTSD - it perfectly explains why he is how he is - BUT - that doesn't "help" me deal with it.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> We discuss the physical and emotional side of PTSD - it perfectly explains why he is how he is - BUT - that doesn't "help" me deal with it.



Do they offer ways to help you deal with it? I would think a support group such as that offers ways on how to deal with things like that. If not, then perhaps if he has a PTSD doctor/therapist can help you?


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