# I don't want a divorce but I'm just so hurt ...



## NrthStarr (Mar 25, 2014)

I apologize for the long story. I will try to keep it as brief as possible. I just got married to my husband about 6 months ago but we had been together for 3 years prior to that. We also have a 2 year old son together & we are both in our late 30’s. After the pregnancy we started having intimacy issues, all from his end. He seemed to lose interest in sex all together. He swore it was not me, that he was just going through midlife issues. But what started as a disinterest in sex has progressed in the last couple of months to withdrawing all physical affection – hugs, kisses, holding hands etc. He says that he loves me but he doesn’t act like it. Last September we decided to start trying for baby #2 (his idea, by the way). I got pregnant right away but had had a miscarriage. He promised we would try again but for the last 2 months he has backed out when it was time to start trying. Now he has decided he wants to put off trying for a baby indefinitely. He has started therapy because he seems to be suffering from depression. Again, all through this process he has sworn up & down it’s not because of me. It’s because he hates his job, he’s worried about money, he wants to move but we’re stuck in a 2 year lease, his mother passed away and all sorts of things have piled on to create this problem. As much as I want to have a baby I am willing to help him get through this and hope we’re stronger for it when we come out the other side.

Then last night I was messing around on his phone and I found a letter that he wrote to his ex-wife. I’m pretty sure it was his “homework” from therapy that he refuses to tell me about. The letter went a little something like this … “If I could go back in time and rewind the mistakes I made I would. It hurts to know that I will never lay beside the true love of my life ever again.” The letter was very long and I only got to read a few sentences because he was sitting right there and wanted his phone back. I saw that he mentioned me later in the letter but I was unable to read that part.

We haven’t gotten a chance to talk about this yet since it all happened last night – on our son’s birthday when my mom was staying with us. Not good timing for a relationship discussion. But he knows something is wrong because my mood changed in an instant. So I know we’re going to have to talk about it tonight and the thought is just making me sick to my stomach.

His ex-wife is in a loving relationship & pregnant so I know this is not actually something he could act on. That leads me to believe that he was just getting all his thoughts out for therapy. But now that I’ve seen it, it’s burned in my mind. I love him so much but I’m not sure I can spend the rest of my life with someone that wishes I was someone else. I deserve more than to be someone’s second choice. I know that he loves me but apparently not as much as he loved her. The logistics of a divorce scare me (our 2 year lease & other financial concerns) but more importantly the thought of being a part time parent and having to share custody of my son breaks my heart. We are both in individual counseling and probably need marriage counseling too. I guess what I’m asking is – has anyone else been through anything like this? Is it worth it to try to stay & work it out? Or do I just need to get out and move on? I’m scared to throw my marriage away without even trying but I’m just so hurt.


----------



## NrthStarr (Mar 25, 2014)

He didn’t want to talk last night. Just acted like nothing was wrong. I guess that’s ok. I think I would like to talk to my therapist first before I confront him. But I went to bed early last night & he had left his phone in our room charging & he came running upstairs to get it like demon dogs were on his heels. I guess he was worried I would look at it again. 

The more I think about this the more angry I become. He lied to me. When we first got together I asked him what had happened to his first marriage and he told me that they had just fallen out of love with each other. I even told him later in our relationship that was one of my fears – if it happened with her I was afraid that one day he would wake up and just decide that he didn’t love me anymore. It was a LIE that he just fell out of love with her because he STILL loves her. The fact that in his letter to her he apologized to her for his mistakes makes me think that whatever happened in their marriage was his fault & she left him. 

It’s not the first time he has lied to me. He was still married when we got together and he let me think he was divorced. His divorce was finalized last year - an entire year AFTER our son was born. AFTER he had proposed to me. I think he never would have told me if I hadn’t found his divorce paperwork during a move. When I called him on it he said he never told me he was still married when we first started dating because he didn’t think it was important. Then time went on & I got pregnant & it was too late by then and he didn’t know how to tell me.

It makes me wonder how many lies he has told me. I feel like I am living with a stranger. I am uncomfortable around him. Conversations are awkward. At this point I’m almost relieved that he is so disinterred in sex because I don’t even want him to touch me.

Last night I started thinking hard about ways to leave and that really scares me. I love him but I don’t see how I can stay knowing he’s still in love with someone else. Maybe marriage counseling in a start but I don’t see this getting any better.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Cut your losses now. So you'll be a single parent? So what? I left my arse of an ex with a 2 year old and a 5 year old, and we are all fine. From what you said he's having second thoughts and doesn't love you. Besides, if you leave he might decide you have some value; right now you're still there, begging him for his time. That's not valuable to him. And he has a history of lying, which you've put up with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

The LAST thing you should be doing is bringing another baby into your mess. Sounds like you need to get into counseling TOGETHER.


----------



## howdidthishappentome? (Mar 25, 2014)

I was thinking along the same lines as 3x. The silver lining here is that he is dealing with his feelings and issues. Obviously what's coming up is very distressing for both of you and brings up a lot of miserable feelings in you, but it's all very new and unformed and if it's handled right, it could eventually lead you to closeness and understanding that underpin a really great relationship. Of course it might lead down another road altogether, but before you storm off, try to give it a chance to come clear.


----------



## CafeRed (Mar 26, 2012)

I like what whydidthishappentome? said. I'd hate to see you throw in the towel at this point in your marriage. What you saw on his phone was a homework assignment for his counseling session. It doesn't negate his love for you or his desire to be with you. 

However, I'm sure it was hurtful to see those words that he wrote, and I think marriage counseling would be a great idea for the two of you. Honest, healthy discussion could really help clear some misunderstandings and possibly even bring the two of you closer together.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I pray that things get to a positive place so you can move forward and thrive in your relationship.


----------



## NrthStarr (Mar 25, 2014)

Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. I haven’t talked to him about this yet which is a good thing. It takes me a while to process things but once I find clarity it usually sets me down the right path. When I react out of emotion is when I get in trouble. What I have decided to do is to just give it time. Hopefully his therapy will help him deal with his depression and then we can try marriage counseling when he gets his head on straight. His depression is coloring every aspect of his life right now and I hope it’s just preventing him from seeing the love and beauty in our own relationship. I am hoping that he is just clinging to an idealized memory of his ex-wife from a happier time and when he pulls out of the darkness his depression is creating he will see things differently. If not, divorce will be a step we may have to consider in the future but I’m not willing to throw it all away just yet. I have drastically changed my attitude since I have come to this decision and realized that I have to be responsible for my own happiness right now and not let his attitude affect me or my emotional state. One of us has to keep it together for our son. All I can do for him is offer him love and support to get him through the depression and we’ll see where that leaves us when the air clears.


----------



## howdidthishappentome? (Mar 25, 2014)

That sounds very reasonable, both your interpretation and your course of action for the moment. Good luck to you.


----------

