# When is enough, enough?



## Gigimom (6 mo ago)

Hi all. I’m a first-time poster here but have been reading threads on the page for a while. Reading through the advice given to others has been helpful, as I try to navigate the current state of my marriage. I’ve started seriously considering separation and/or divorce, and was hoping this wonderful community could provide some perspective… because I’m feeling pretty lost in the weeds and confused.

LONG POST ALERT!! My husband and I have been together for 17 years, married for close to 15. We have two kids in middle school. We’ve had MANY ups and downs over the years, including a period of time when we separated for a few months about 8 years ago. Back then, we ended up deciding to get back together (“for the kids”) and he promised to make some changes.

Fast forward: we moved to another state (away from most family and friends) and, for the most part, had been doing well. I have acknowledge that he made a lot of improvements to be a better father and husband. However, I’ve never quite been able to fully let go of the resentments and feelings of betrayal that have endured, because I feel like I’m constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Some context: I’ve always been the primary breadwinner, as his line of work is very unsteady. He is a musician and hasn’t ever really contributed to the main household bills. I’ve mostly been fine with that, as I understand he works hard at what he does and he otherwise contributes to the household (i.e., does laundry, picks up the kids from school, helps around the house). We’ve struggled financially but have been able to manage. Another important piece of info is that, although he has never been unfaithful (that I know of), he has struggled with substance use and drinking in the past… in fact, the time we separated for a couple of months was due to him relapsing and nearly destroying our marriage. To be in this marriage, my one rule is that there needs to be 100% sobriety.

We are now in the middle of a new period of crisis. It started last year, when I got a new job that pays much better but is also much more demanding. This job has required me to travel and to work late nights a few times. He struggles with insecurity and feels I am cheating, when in reality I’ve been really stressed due to my highly demanding job. We’ve had many arguments, in which he claimed I was withdrawing and that I wasn’t invested in the marriage. We’ve also had plenty of conversations where we’ve discussed how stressful my job is.

For the past two months, he’s started disappearing after his music gigs and not coming home until 5:00am. He says he’s been networking and going to music jam sessions to try to land more work, because he wants to advance in his music career. However, here’s the doozy — he NEVER answers my calls, doesn’t let me know when he’s coming home, and essentially disappears for HOURS on end. The first time it happened, I thought he had been in an accident and/or had been mugged or something. Then, I saw it became a pattern. Over the past month and a half, he’s done it at least 10 times. When he comes home, he does not seem to be drunk or “on something”, and he claims he was at the late-night jam session.

He tells me I’m the one who’s CRAZY and that I need to be more supportive. He is constantly acting like I’m this unhinged, controlling, crazy woman who’s made his life a living hell. And he claims I don’t love him and that I’m just trying to get rid of him.

Bottom line: I have wanted to make my marriage work for my kids, because I come from a broken household and know how hard it is. My husband is a good and loving father, but I don’t know if there’s anything worth saving anymore. We’ve had a lot of arguments this past month and were even sleeping in separate rooms, but we “reconciled” last week and decided to try to make it work. Then last night, he went off to work and didn’t come home until 5:00am today.

i am SO SICK of this.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

He's lying. What a peach this H is. Why would you continue with this leach. I know it is more complicated with the kids. Ask him point blank where he is going until 5am and to cut the bull. Could you get a PI to follow him and see what he is up to? get the evidence and then proceed. You will have peace and tranquility after this.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Gigimom said:


> He tells me I’m the one who’s CRAZY


To me, the above is the problem. 

If he said "I've been staying late at jam sessions, and _I understand how that might worry you"_ then that would make sense. _"You're crazy"_ is not a good answer. I'm not saying he should stop doing whatever he's doing, because at the moment I have no idea what that is or why. But at the moment, he's trying to provoke you.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

From the outside, I would guess he’s cheating and that’s why he is painting you as a controlling crazy person who cheats.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

It’s enough when you say it is.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

just a thought may be he is one of these men that thinks the right way to get your attention is to act this way 
some think doing a 180 is the right way to show the other that they don't like the others late nights , a game of tic for tac


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## Gigimom (6 mo ago)

Thanks for the replies thus far and for sharing your thoughts. I have considered doing the 180 to “teach him a lesson”, but it’s so hard to fully dettach. I tell myself I’m going to ignore him for an entire day, but I usually end up picking a fight.

We have 2 kids who are almost teenagers, and they can tell when things are tense in the house. I think they would be devastated if we divorced, but I’m sure they’d understand. My youngest child would probably have a harder time with it. That’s what keeps me in the marriage. Some days, I find myself daydreaming about not being married to him anymore… and then other days I find myself clinging to the idea of keeping our family together.

For those of you who have tried the 180 while living in the same house with your spouse, how do you achieve dettachment? How do you avoid the urge to text, call, inquire, etc? And does it work? I mean, I quit smoking 2 years ago (after smoking a pack a day for 20 years), and find that doing the 180 is even harder than that!!!


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

People in the bar business & I'm including musicians in this because of the hours, don't work on a 9-clock. I was 18 when I got my 1st job bartending, long before cell phones. Last call is at 1:30 a.m. The bar closes at 2. We work until 2:30 - 3:00 pm cleaning the bar, breaking everything down, mopping the floor & restocking for the next day. At 3:00 a.m. we'd go to somebody's house for breakfast & a few drinks to unwind. By the time I got home it was close to 5 a.m. The 1st time my parents were angry. But I reminded them that they get off work at 5 pm, go to a bar after work & come home around 7:30 - 8:00 p.m. so the number of hours were the same just the time of day was different. They settled down & understood my point. 

Let's give your DH the initial benefit of the doubt, that he is just jamming not cheating or doing anything bad. (there is still some possibility that there is more to it than that but we'll start from a good place.) I am also assuming that since you probably have to get up to go to work the next day you don't really want a 2 a.m. phone call. Can you compromise & ask him for a text saying where he's going, who he's jamming with & what time he expects to be home? Explain that will put your mind at ease but still give him the freedom to network. Ask if maybe on a Friday or Saturday night when you don't have work the next day can you come watch him play & then go jam. Put the kids with a sitter or arrange sleepovers at a friend's house that night. If he balks at your presence that would make me all the more suspicious that he's playing something other than a musical instrument.


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## Gigimom (6 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> People in the bar business & I'm including musicians in this because of the hours, don't work on a 9-clock. I was 18 when I got my 1st job bartending, long before cell phones. Last call is at 1:30 a.m. The bar closes at 2. We work until 2:30 - 3:00 pm cleaning the bar, breaking everything down, mopping the floor & restocking for the next day. At 3:00 a.m. we'd go to somebody's house for breakfast & a few drinks to unwind. By the time I got home it was close to 5 a.m. The 1st time my parents were angry. But I reminded them that they get off work at 5 pm, go to a bar after work & come home around 7:30 - 8:00 p.m. so the number of hours were the same just the time of day was different. They settled down & understood my point.
> 
> Let's give your DH the initial benefit of the doubt, that he is just jamming not cheating or doing anything bad. (there is still some possibility that there is more to it than that but we'll start from a good place.) I am also assuming that since you probably have to get up to go to work the next day you don't really want a 2 a.m. phone call. Can you compromise & ask him for a text saying where he's going, who he's jamming with & what time he expects to be home? Explain that will put your mind at ease but still give him the freedom to network. Ask if maybe on a Friday or Saturday night when you don't have work the next day can you come watch him play & then go jam. Put the kids with a sitter or arrange sleepovers at a friend's house that night. If he balks at your presence that would make me all the more suspicious that he's playing something other than a musical instrument.


I do agree with many points here, and do wish I could give him the benefit of the doubt. The problem is how the trust has eroded over time and, given his past struggles with substance use, it really bothers me that he would put me in a position that brings me back to those hellish years when he relapsed and we were on the verge of divorce. It makes me feel I should have divorced him back then, when the kids were much younger, than now that they’re teens.

He knows that the disappearing act really pisses me off, but he does it anyway. I told him that, at minimum, he should text me to let me know if/when he’s going to a jam session and/or will not be coming home, but he still refuses to do it. I simply do not understand it. 

And the double-standard pisses me off, too. He thinks he’s entitled to go out all night (for the sake of “jamming/networking”), but if I do the same, I’m a *****. That’s what he accused me of on a recent night when I decided to go out with my female coworkers and stayed out until late to give him a taste of his own medicine (so to speak).

I honestly regret not divorcing him years ago, but I feel that, since we’ve made it this far, we should wait it out until the kids are done with school.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

It's good that he isn't coming home drunk. And I wouldn't have any problem with someone making a living off of being a musician. But having a family and not making any real money is a big problem. Also if he has been a musician for your entire marriage and hasn't gotten anywhere, it's because he isn't that good at it and needs to understand this. I had a coworker who sang and played guitar at a downtown bar. He would typically perform for about 3 hours for 150.00 and free beer. He said it wasn't about the money. He just likes playing and said F yeah to free beer 😂. He was normally hammered by the end.

I imagine your husband is mid 30s to early 40s by now. He is getting too old for playing in bars and he really should focus on finding a trade that he enjoys. If he still wants to play a bar gig on the side, I say rock on! But bars are typically looking for younger musicians to bring in the younger crowd.

You obviously still want to make this work or you wouldn't be here. But I can tell that you are nearing the line of leaving for good. I think it's time to sit down with him and tell him exactly what you said in your post. Tell him you love him, want to make this work, but he needs to step up and start bringing in some money for the family and hang up this dream of being a big rockstar. Being out all night until the crack of dawn when you are 22 and single is ok, but married with children is not..... Yes, this conversation will hurt and probably end in an argument. But a divorce and battle in family court will hurt far more.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I missed the prior substance abuse issues & the name calling / double standard. Since this was his second chance which he seems to be blowing, maybe you should divorce.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He doesn’t need to be jamming at 5 am unless he’s raking in the money and an established musician, He seems disrespectful and dishonest.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Gigimom said:


> Thanks for the replies thus far and for sharing your thoughts. I have considered doing the 180 to “teach him a lesson”, but it’s so hard to fully dettach. I tell myself I’m going to ignore him for an entire day, but I usually end up picking a fight.
> 
> We have 2 kids who are almost teenagers, and they can tell when things are tense in the house. I think they would be devastated if we divorced, but I’m sure they’d understand. My youngest child would probably have a harder time with it. That’s what keeps me in the marriage. Some days, I find myself daydreaming about not being married to him anymore… and then other days I find myself clinging to the idea of keeping our family together.
> 
> For those of you who have tried the 180 while living in the same house with your spouse, how do you achieve dettachment? How do you avoid the urge to text, call, inquire, etc? And does it work? I mean, I quit smoking 2 years ago (after smoking a pack a day for 20 years), and find that doing the 180 is even harder than that!!!


Only you can keep yourself in this. The 180 is not designed for teaching him a lesson. It’s for detachment.
People over a certainty age do not change. Stop living on hopium.


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## Gigimom (6 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> Only you can keep yourself in this. The 180 is not designed for teaching him a lesson. It’s for detachment.
> People over a certainty age do not change. Stop living on hopium.


I definitely get what you’re saying, but it’s not even hopium. It’s more like I really wish we could be civil —even just friends— while living under the same roof and remaining married for the kids. I would just want us to respect each other and follow certain ground rules. 

To be fair, I’m not very good at relationships and tend to be impulsive, intense, and not very expressive (of feelings/love). He tends to have a very needy attachment style, while I’m much more aloof. This has created its own set of issues, as he has accused me (for quite some time) of not loving him and/or not “being in love”. Even with this, it’s hard for me to “dettach”, and it’s probably because of childhood trauma / codependency / abandonment issues.

Believe me - if I could practice dettachment, I would! But relationships (especially unhealthy ones) are like an addiction. It took me to 20+ years to quit smoking, and even that was easier than trying to not psycho-text my husband at 5:00AM when he’s disappeared somewhere.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you can’t detach then you stay where you are.
Most people can’t make a decision.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Gigimom said:


> I definitely get what you’re saying, but it’s not even hopium. It’s more like I really wish we could be civil —even just friends— while living under the same roof and remaining married for the kids. I would just want us to respect each other and follow certain ground rules.
> 
> To be fair, I’m not very good at relationships and tend to be impulsive, intense, and not very expressive (of feelings/love). He tends to have a very needy attachment style, while I’m much more aloof. This has created its own set of issues, as he has accused me (for quite some time) of not loving him and/or not “being in love”. Even with this, it’s hard for me to “dettach”, and it’s probably because of childhood trauma / codependency / abandonment issues.
> 
> Believe me - if I could practice dettachment, I would! But relationships (especially unhealthy ones) are like an addiction. It took me to 20+ years to quit smoking, and even that was easier than trying to not psycho-text my husband at 5:00AM when he’s disappeared somewhere.


Wishing it would be different and it stays the same is hopium.


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## Gigimom (6 mo ago)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> It's good that he isn't coming home drunk. And I wouldn't have any problem with someone making a living off of being a musician. But having a family and not making any real money is a big problem. Also if he has been a musician for your entire marriage and hasn't gotten anywhere, it's because he isn't that good at it and needs to understand this. I had a coworker who sang and played guitar at a downtown bar. He would typically perform for about 3 hours for 150.00 and free beer. He said it wasn't about the money. He just likes playing and said F yeah to free beer 😂. He was normally hammered by the end.
> 
> I imagine your husband is mid 30s to early 40s by now. He is getting too old for playing in bars and he really should focus on finding a trade that he enjoys. If he still wants to play a bar gig on the side, I say rock on! But bars are typically looking for younger musicians to bring in the younger crowd.
> 
> You obviously still want to make this work or you wouldn't be here. But I can tell that you are nearing the line of leaving for good. I think it's time to sit down with him and tell him exactly what you said in your post. Tell him you love him, want to make this work, but he needs to step up and start bringing in some money for the family and hang up this dream of being a big rockstar. Being out all night until the crack of dawn when you are 22 and single is ok, but married with children is not..... Yes, this conversation will hurt and probably end in an argument. But a divorce and battle in family court will hurt far more.


He likes to think that his career didn’t fully take off because I hindered him. He says he always “put me first”. Which is not true!

To be fair, though, he’s had steady work for 20+ years. He’s what is known as a gigging musician. That’s very common in his field (jazz, Latin jazz, soul, fusion). His dreams haven’t been to be a “rock star”. Only to make a decent living.

What I’ve wanted him to see, though, is that it’s not realistic. Jazz and Salsa musicians in NYC could live off of their music careers in the 60s, 70s, 80s… even in the 90s, but that’s all changed. The music and recording industry isn’t the same. Many musicians have to hold other jobs as well.

Anyway, the career choice doesn’t even bother me. It’s the sh*t I’ve had to put up with as a result. Hell, I wanted to be a writer in my 20s, and quickly realized that WOULD NOT pay the bills.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Talk usually gets you nothing. Only actions count.


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## Gigimom (6 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> Wishing it would be different and it stays the same is hopium.


Very true!! What’s the secret to practicing detachment? I feel like I’d have to become a Buddhist monk to achieve this.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Gigimom said:


> Very true!! What’s the secret to practicing detachment? I feel like I’d have to become a Buddhist monk to achieve this.


The way I do it is every time I look at him and feel sentimental, I tell myself it's completely one-sided and he's disgusted and vaguely amused that I feel anything. I tell myself that if I want any dignity I cannot express any feeling and resist the impulse. Over time you build a wall around your heart and eventually you won't feel any more.

But before you do that, understand that I have no intention of ever feeling anything again, so my path may not be the right one for you if you intend to try to have a relationship after this one. Other people may be better able to advise you on guarding your heart in a way that can be undone later.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Gigimom said:


> Very true!! What’s the secret to practicing detachment? I feel like I’d have to become a Buddhist monk to achieve this.


One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. If not then you will linger.
It’s up to you. It’s a choice you make. Stay in this or not.
There is no magic fix. No one is going to do it for you. The Calvary isn’t coming to save you.
You have made this bed by your choice.


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## Gigimom (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> The way I do it is every time I look at him and feel sentimental, I tell myself it's completely one-sided and he's disgusted and vaguely amused that I feel anything. I tell myself that if I want any dignity I cannot express any feeling and resist the impulse. Over time you build a wall around your heart and eventually you won't feel any more.
> 
> But before you do that, understand that I have no intention of ever feeling anything again, so my path may not be the right one for you if you intend to try to have a relationship after this one. Other people may be better able to advise you on guarding your heart in a way that can be undone later.


This is actually very helpful, TexasMom1216. 
If I may ask, has it worked for you in terms of making you detach from your significant other? How has he responded?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Gigimom said:


> This is actually very helpful, TexasMom1216.
> If I may ask, has it worked for you in terms of making you detach from your significant other? How has he responded?


He doesn’t know. I’m doing this because I want to prepare for the inevitable. It’s helping. It’s pretty painful for me, because I love him. But I know he’d be happier if I stepped back so I’m bracing myself for that.


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## Gigimom (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> He doesn’t know. I’m doing this because I want to prepare for the inevitable. It’s helping. It’s pretty painful for me, because I love him. But I know he’d be happier if I stepped back so I’m bracing myself for that.


Must be very difficult for you, especially if you still love him. I wish you the best and hope you can find healing.

In my case, I feel like I love him, but am not IN love. It comes and goes. I never had dreams of a fairytale marriage, but I did want to avoid becoming a divorce statistic.

I will try to do as you suggested above.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Gigimom said:


> I do agree with many points here, and do wish I could give him the benefit of the doubt. The problem is how the trust has eroded over time and, given his past struggles with substance use, it really bothers me that he would put me in a position that brings me back to those hellish years when he relapsed and we were on the verge of divorce. It makes me feel I should have divorced him back then, when the kids were much younger, than now that they’re teens.
> 
> He knows that the disappearing act really pisses me off, but he does it anyway. I told him that, at minimum, he should text me to let me know if/when he’s going to a jam session and/or will not be coming home, but he still refuses to do it. I simply do not understand it.
> 
> ...


It is very rare to find a gigging musician who doesn't take advantage of the opportunity to cheat that gigging affords them.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

If I was writing a fiction novel 'd have a hard time coming up with a bigger loser character than your husband. The guy even picks the worst genre of music possible to earn money.

Whatever your doubts about how good at relationships you are, you can do better than this.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Gigimom said:


> Thanks for the replies thus far and for sharing your thoughts. I have considered doing the 180 to “teach him a lesson”, but it’s so hard to fully dettach. I tell myself I’m going to ignore him for an entire day, but I usually end up picking a fight.
> 
> We have 2 kids who are almost teenagers, and they can tell when things are tense in the house. I think they would be devastated if we divorced, but I’m sure they’d understand. My youngest child would probably have a harder time with it. That’s what keeps me in the marriage. Some days, I find myself daydreaming about not being married to him anymore… and then other days I find myself clinging to the idea of keeping our family together.
> 
> For those of you who have tried the 180 while living in the same house with your spouse, how do you achieve dettachment? How do you avoid the urge to text, call, inquire, etc? And does it work? I mean, I quit smoking 2 years ago (after smoking a pack a day for 20 years), and find that doing the 180 is even harder than that!!!


It is about being mindful and in the moment, not letting your emotions get the better of you. Simply take it one 10 min block at a time. Put a list of the 180 in front of you at work to remind yourself when you go to grab the phone, etc. You can do it


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Gigimom said:


> To be fair, I’m not very good at relationships and tend to be impulsive, intense, and not very expressive (of feelings/love). He tends to have a very needy attachment style, while I’m much more aloof. This has created its own set of issues, as he has accused me (for quite some time) of not loving him and/or not “being in love”. Even with this, it’s hard for me to “dettach”, and it’s probably because of childhood trauma / codependency / abandonment issues.


The problem is 2 sided. He's disappearing but you're not giving him reasons to come home or even give you what you want, a text about his location & activities. 

You have to be somewhat OK at relationships. You have sustained this one for this long. 

Candidly if my DH told me he didn't feel like I loved him I would ask what specifically he needed from me in order to feel loved & to know I am in love with him. Then I would set about giving him that. In contrast your response was to invalidate his feelings & double down on being inexpressive. When was the last time you did something nice & loving for your husband? Have you tried something as simple as placing a love note in his instrument case ? If he got regular flirty supportive notes, he might come home The notes don't have to long or poetic. Simple "knock 'em dead"; 
"break a leg"; "I love you"; "you're awesome" could go a long way toward repairing what's wrong. 

Before you do anything impulsive, read 2 pop psychology books by Dr. Laura Schlessinger _The Proper Care & Feeding of a Husband_ and_ the Proper Care & Feeding of a Marriage_. Some of the ideas in both books are antiquated drivel & almost misogynistic but at ground both books are about appreciating your spouse for who they actually are & expressing that appreciation to them so the feel secure & confident. Do not treat these books like some sort of bible but do read them & see what resonates with you. 

Make a point to tell your husband I love you every day, especially every time you part or even hang up the phone. You will be shocked at what some nurturing will do for your relationship.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> The way I do it is every time I look at him and feel sentimental, I tell myself it's completely one-sided and he's disgusted and vaguely amused that I feel anything. I tell myself that if I want any dignity I cannot express any feeling and resist the impulse. Over time you build a wall around your heart and eventually you won't feel any more.
> 
> But before you do that, understand that I have no intention of ever feeling anything again, so my path may not be the right one for you if you intend to try to have a relationship after this one. Other people may be better able to advise you on guarding your heart in a way that can be undone later.


I hope things work out however you think is best for you. I didn't know there was that much grief going on.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Gigimom said:


> To be fair, I’m not very good at relationships and tend to be impulsive, intense, and not very expressive (of feelings/love). He tends to have a very needy attachment style, while I’m much more aloof. This has created its own set of issues, as he has accused me (for quite some time) of not loving him and/or not “being in love”.


Jeez, I don't understand why people cannot figure this stuff out before they marry and make babies together.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Gigimom said:


> He likes to think that his career didn’t fully take off because I hindered him. He says he always “put me first”. Which is not true!
> 
> To be fair, though, he’s had steady work for 20+ years. He’s what is known as a gigging musician. That’s very common in his field (jazz, Latin jazz, soul, fusion). His dreams haven’t been to be a “rock star”. Only to make a decent living.
> 
> ...


You certainly don't appear to be an idiot. But come on now, open your eyes and think about this for a minute. Where have you ever heard of a jazz gig playing that late into the night? My wife and I go down to Bourbon St in New Orleans at least once a year which is the Jazz capital. Those Jazz concerts are over by 11 or 12 at the very latest. Even the heavy rock bands with packed bars are done by 1 or 2am.

As far as him blaming you for his so called career not taking off. Well that is a load of 🐴 💩. He was doing this well before the two of you even met..... Next time he has a gig, just ask where are you playing tonight? Then call the business and ask how long the live music will be on for the evening.


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## Gigimom (6 mo ago)

aine said:


> It is about being mindful and in the moment, not letting your emotions get the better of you. Simply take it one 10 min block at a time. Put a list of the 180 in front of you at work to remind yourself when you go to grab the phone, etc. You can do it


Thank you!


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## Gigimom (6 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> The problem is 2 sided. He's disappearing but you're not giving him reasons to come home or even give you what you want, a text about his location & activities.
> 
> You have to be somewhat OK at relationships. You have sustained this one for this long.
> 
> ...


You’re right. I certainly have neglected to express feelings of love —or even kindness, sometimes— because I’ve been absorbed in the day-to-day. I realize his love language is MUCH different than mine.

I have to admit, this will be difficult. I feel like we’ve done so much damage now and I’m so angry, that I can only double-down on my resentment rather than show weakness. I know, it’s a character flaw. But I feel he should be the one to apologize, make a grandiose gesture… and then I’ll make an effort. I don’t know how to turn into a loving wife when I feel all this resentment.


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## Gigimom (6 mo ago)

Diceplayer said:


> Jeez, I don't understand why people cannot figure this stuff out before they marry and make babies together.


That’s a story for another time!


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Gigimom said:


> You’re right. I certainly have neglected to express feelings of love —or even kindness, sometimes— because I’ve been absorbed in the day-to-day. I realize his love language is MUCH different than mine.
> 
> I have to admit, this will be difficult. I feel like we’ve done so much damage now and I’m so angry, that I can only double-down on my resentment rather than show weakness. I know, it’s a character flaw. But I feel he should be the one to apologize, make a grandiose gesture… and then I’ll make an effort. I don’t know how to turn into a loving wife when I feel all this resentment.


If you are too angry to make the effort & he is too hurt, you are at a stalemate & nobody will make the 1st gesture. This will get worse until it all falls apart. You are the one here asking for advice so don't think of you making the 1st move as weakness. It takes strength & courage to effectuate change. When you keep score & say things like "He has to make a grandiose gesture" & then you will make an effort is the opposite of healing. He won't make that gesture because he thinks you have one foot out the door already so there is no point. 

Do you want to be right or do you want to be married? If you want to divorce keep doing what you are doing. If you want to try to save this, somebody has to make an effort & since you are the one here asking for advice, that has to be you.


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