# True?



## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Good Morning,

I wanted men’s advice on this: My guy has been a little pissy... at some things back home (ex and his kids ) it’s some crap that’s happened up there, and for about a few days, he says his drive or desire for sex is not there..... now, for me- I want to get close and feel him and connect. But he’s there but distant. I’m trying to be supportive and not talk about it. Is this normal? I thought sex was a stress reliever? I just miss him and his touch. Not so much the PIV.
Thoughts?
Sue


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

He might be going through a bout of anxiety. I know when I have my anxiety flares up, my drive goes down or is affected big time. Ex stress is definitely an anxiety trigger for me so it might fit the bill.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Hmmmm....how old is your guy? Asking because I am early 40s and while most would consider me high drive still. I have noticed some changes in myself. When I was in my 20s I don't think any tragedy or stressful event would impact my libido. But as I have aged...when it comes to my ex and my kids back when we were all in the adjustment period, I did have some bad days. On a bad day "things" would still work if I tried to have sex, but my head my wasn't in it. So rather than go through the motions with my partner (which would be unfair and noticed), I'd just say I'm not really in the mood. Which honestly was a first for me. I had two serious girlfriends after my marriage. The first would literally flip out if she didn't receive her Vitamin D supplement over me feeling stressed/sad about my divorce. I don't think it was about sex though, I think she didn't like that I had and still do have a strong emotional connection with the mother of my children and obviously my kids. 

My second girlfriend post marriage handles it completely different, she acts like its no big deal, and then cuddles up with me on the couch or the bed, which more often than not leads to her getting what she wanted in the first place. If this isn't his normal behavior, I'd say give it some time. But if it becomes his new normal, you'll have to address it.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

H


ReformedHubby said:


> Hmmmm....how old is your guy? Asking because I am early 40s and while most would consider me high drive still. I have noticed some changes in myself. When I was in my 20s I don't think any tragedy or stressful event would impact my libido. But as I have aged...when it comes to my ex and my kids back when we were all in the adjustment period, I did have some bad days. On a bad day "things" would still work if I tried to have sex, but my head my wasn't in it. So rather than go through the motions with my partner (which would be unfair and noticed), I'd just say I'm not really in the mood. Which honestly was a first for me. I had two serious girlfriends after my marriage. The first would literally flip out if she didn't receive her Vitamin D supplement over me feeling stressed/sad about my divorce. I don't think it was about sex though, I think she didn't like that I had and still do have a strong emotional connection with the mother of my children and obviously my kids.
> 
> My second girlfriend post marriage handles it completely different, she acts like its no big deal, and then cuddles up with me on the couch or the bed, which more often than not leads to her getting what she wanted in the first place. If this isn't his normal behavior, I'd say give it some time. But if it becomes his new normal, you'll have to address it.


He’s 43. This is the first time this happened. Sometimes we exchange sexy pics, and he said Wow!!!! Nice! But when I asked if we were gonna sext later- he then said he hadn’t been like that lately, as he’s been a little upset over things happening back home.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Sue4473 said:


> He’s 43. This is the first time this happened. Sometimes we exchange sexy pics, and he said Wow!!!! Nice! But when I asked if we were gonna sext later- he then said he hadn’t been like that lately, as he’s been a little upset over things happening back home.


Thats right around the age it happened to me, not saying we're the same, I can say that as time went on my response to those stressors don't impact me as much anymore.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

ReformedHubby said:


> Thats right around the age it happened to me, not saying we're the same, I can say that as time went on my response to those stressors don't impact me as much anymore.


That’s good. I tried not to take it personally, as I think that’s what us women do... he was receptive to my pics, so hopefully he will start to feel better.


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## .339971 (Sep 12, 2019)

It could be anything, but he could just be depressed or even anxious as already pointed out and he just isn't willing to talk about it.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Sue4473 said:


> *I thought sex was a stress reliever?* I just miss him and his touch. Not so much the PIV.
> Thoughts?


The relationship between stress and sex can get complicated in my opinion. Some people can get performance anxiety, especially if the notion of pleasing the other person becomes problematic. That can lead to someone feeling inadequate for a partner (when the other is wanting more), and then sex becomes a source of even more stress. 

Ironically stress can also play a very positive role in sexuality. In a long term relationship it can be challenging to get an adrenaline rush during sex as is common during the early days of a relationship. If you can manage marital stress in just the right way, it can become a new and immensely more powerful source of adrenaline rush during intimacy. Finding ways to do that is of course easier said than done.

Ask your husband if it stresses him out when you ask for intimacy? If he says yes, then ask if you could try something different so that the responsibility of your pleasure is your responsibility... suggest that you two just snuggle and engage in mutual self pleasure as you each desire it while allowing the other to observe. Set a rule that touching each other is just limited to a hug and that you can only touch yourselves for pleasure. 

That will get interesting and may reveal some new dynamics. The main point being that your husband can experience your pleasure without being responsible, and you can do the same. This will reveal any problems that one of the two may be having with performance anxiety. 

Now that is not necessarily good advice and it very well could make your problem worse (especially if the experience serves to validate him feeling inadequate). Generally speaking couples that can comfortably self pleasure in front of one another find it to be a very positive experience that later improves everything else. It is about shifting the responsibility of pleasure so that it can be shared with the other person. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Most guys are usually laser-focused on whatever at the time. Sex, hungry, fix this broken thing, knock out to-do list item, play with kid, talk to wife, back to another broken thing, sports, sex, start BBQ grill.... you get the point. 

Also, most guys have the “nothing box” where mentally they zone out and aren’t mentally working on something. It occurs multiple times during the events above. This is where the laser is turned off and we let it cool down. This concept is foreign to women as their brains are going 24/7 even when surfing Facebook.

Now that being said, when the laser is left on something for a while it overheats and this is what you’re getting from a man. Something happened with his ex that is REALLY bothering him. Likely something that hit a raw nerve not healed after they split. It’s something he’s trying to fix in his head but can’t or is worried about what will happen of which he has little control. I experienced something similar over a tax situation that was a nightmare that turned out to be no big deal. Ruined a vacation because it was all I could think about with the constant fight or flight response going on.

If my wife would have approached me saying she didn’t feel connected and want some romantic gentle touch it would be strange as your husband making sexual innuendos after you just had an unpleasant appointment with your GYN. You’d be like... “I just found out I have _fill in the blank_ and you want sex... WTH?”

Yes its normal and you will need to forgo the “I wanna feel connected” part until he can verbally unloaded it. So perhaps set the stage to let him unload. I would bet that afterwards, he’ll feel better and feel like expressing himself like you are hoping for.


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