# Let me try a different approach...



## Heartbroken in Texas (Nov 12, 2015)

In case you're reading this and didn't read my previous post...
I've been married almost 10 years but separated for a while. Our separation was not like most in that I still saw him for hours EVERY SINGLE DAY and still had sex with him a couple of times a week. My husband has now decided that he wants "space." However, I am certain that he's going through his midlife crisis and has recently started talking to and seeing another woman. I had no idea that this was coming! I am devastated and truly want to save my marriage. 

ALL of the advice that I have received so far tells me to move on, get a divorce and find someone else. Although I am sure that is solid advice and it might even be the best thing for some people....that is NOT what I want. Is there anyone on here that can give me some advice on how to fix this? On how to save my marriage? On how to get him to wake up and realize that he is in a midlife crisis and that he doesn't have to change everything in his entire life (including ME!)? On how to get him to turn to ME instead of HER? I have stood by him through all of his problems as well as his controlling and jealous ways and now he just wants to desert me and have her. I just can't deal with this and I would really appreciate any help that you guys can give me.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Starting another thread doesn't change the facts and advice about what you should do .


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

You have been "separated" for FOUR YEARS! 

You still see each other. Maybe he is finally ready to cut ties. I don't understand why you separated yet spent all this time together.

You need to let him go. It's too late. A new thread does not change that.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

I empathize. The general rule is, you can't make anyone love you if they don't. There is almost nothing you can do to get him back. If you work to be at your best (exercise, meditation, IC, etc.), you will better equip yourself to deal with the situation and there is a small chance that he will find his way back to you. There is a better chance that after surrounding yourself with positive things, that you will no longer desire someone so much who doesn't want you in the same way.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Sixty-eight is exactly right. You can't change another person's thoughts, feelings or behavior. Your only recourse, which could well wake him up, is to show him that you will move on and you won't be waiting around when he wants to scoop you back up again. And you have to show him this, you can't tell him.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Who's idea was separation?


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## Heartbroken in Texas (Nov 12, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Starting another thread doesn't change the facts and advice about what you should do .


I did NOT start a new thread trying to trick anyone into giving me different advice or to change any facts. I didn't change anything! I was upfront right in my title.....Let me try a different approach. While I do appreciate everyone taking the time to comment on my posts, noone seems to listen to me. I DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE. I was simply trying to explain that by starting a new thread so people would quit acting like I'm an idiot for sticking around and perhaps give me an idea that I can try to put my marriage back together. If you have a question, ask me. Don't try to presume that my situation is exactly like everyone elses. If he didn't love me or have feelings for me, then he wouldn't still tell me that he loves me and hold onto me so tight when he hugs me....like he's afraid to let me go. He wouldn't, after not seeing me for 2 weeks, hug me tight and start to cry. He is not just a cheater. He is in the middle of a midlife crisis further compounded by the fact that his daughter just moved out RIGHT BEFORE ALL OF THIS STARTED and thereby leaving him in the house alone. He is lost and confused right now. He is a controlling person, and doesn't know what to trust or what to do with himself right now. I have been on this site for days reading and reading ....and reading. It seems to me that just about everyone that posts about their spouse cheating is told to get away fast and file for divorce. There ARE marriages that actually survive a cheating spouse and some are even stronger than they before. You do not know me but I can tell you that I am not an idiot! I am a well educated middle aged woman that loves her husband. I have a good job and have raised 4 kids pretty much on my own. Whether we were separated for 1 week or 4 years doesn't matter. We were still very much in communication with each other and probably spent more time together on a daily basis and had sex more often than many married couples living in the same house. 

Now, if anyone has anything CONSTRUCTIVE to tell me, I very much welcome your input. If you just want to tell me how stupid I am and how there isn't any hope, I can feel depressed enough all on my own without your help! I do not have my head in the sand. I actually do realize how grim things look for my marriage. I don't have the answers that's why I came here for SUPPORT and other opinions. Can I please get some of that without the criticism?


And, for the person that asked, I was the one that wanted the separation. Things just were not working out trying to blend our children together and it caused a lot of arguing that I didn't want my kids around. I just wanted some peace in my life. The kids are almost grown and out of the house now (the youngest just turned 18). MANY of the problems that we had have just resolved with time because it had to deal with the kids. I always told him that I wanted to stay married to him and never made him doubt that. He changed within a couple of weeks of his daughter leaving. That's why I know he's just trying to connect with ANYONE so he won't feel so lonely and confused. He is resentful of me because he is in a MIDLIFE CRISIS which is causing him to blame everything on ME when the blame mostly belongs with him. He is choosing to focus on all the bad things and trying to forget anything good. He becomes very emotional and tears u p any time that I'm around him. If he still has that much emotion for me, IT CAN'T BE OVER! There has to be a way. Surely someone can help me figure it out.


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## Heartbroken in Texas (Nov 12, 2015)

dignityhonorpride said:


> Your only recourse, which could well wake him up, is to show him that you will move on and you won't be waiting around when he wants to scoop you back up again. And you have to show him this, you can't tell him.


Yes, I have been going to counseling trying to get myself back together. I am normally a strong person that stays level headed and can be depended on in a stressful situation. This has just turned me into someone that I don't even know. I have been walking a lot because it helps me clear my head. I've lost 25lbs in the last 6 weeks. I have been hanging out with some girls from work that I had previously separated myself from because I was allowing my husband to isolate me from everyone. I am about to initiate the 180. My counselor said I should write a letter to him telling him basically that I won't be in contact and if he decides that he wants to work on things then we can discuss them...but that I won't wait forever. And, I won't. It has taken me about 2 weeks to be able to bring myself to even think about doing this. I still have to finish my letter to him. I figure I will give it to him sometime this week. I just don't know how I will ever be able to stay away. It just seems like I am stepping back and giving him the opportunity to put me out of his mind so he doesn't have to remember what he will be loosing. I know that I have to do it, I just don't know where I will find the strength.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Heartbroken, I offer this in all honesty as constructive advice. 

There is nothing that will make an impact on your hb as much as moving on with your life and letting him go completely. 

I know you don't want to divorce, but jumping up and down waving your hands and shouting "pick ME!" will have zero effect. Clinging in any way to him will have the opposite effect. He will only want to tear away from you more. If you shock him in any way, he'll just call you crazy and block you from everything. You'll lose a huge chunk of your dignity in the process because then he can point out how "unstable" you are and justify his MLC-like behavior further. Do you see where I'm going? 

You don't want to divorce, but unfortunately, you can't save a marriage with 50% investment. 

Disregard if unconstructive, but it is my truth.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I am sorry HBinT, whether you are educated or not makes little difference in matters of the heart. If you had loved your H so much why on earth would you have stayed separated for 4 years without getting help, therapy, counselling etc to put things back together. It appears from this post (and your other one) you gave everything to your H, you were available yet he didn't have the responsibility of the day to day of taking care of a family or a wife, you did it for him.

As someone posted here, he wants to move on and it really does not matter what you want. If he is confused as you say then you can treat him like any other WH and do the opposite of what you have been doing, all counter intuitive I know.

GO dark on him, 180 him, no contact, tell everyone (friends, family, etc) he has found someone else and you are moving on. Then please get yourself into therapy, you need it to sort out your thinking and emotions. Work on becoming a better you. I know your heart is breaking as you had got used to the (usual) status quo. However, you were too easily available to him on his terms, you have to stop that now if there is any chance at all.

But as someone said, if he doesn't love you then you cannot make him. Maybe you are in shock and have not really thought this through. Give yourself the opportunity to be in a good, wholesome and loving relationship instead of one which is crippled.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Heartbroken in Texas said:


> I did NOT start a new thread trying to trick anyone into giving me different advice or to change any facts. I didn't change anything! I was upfront right in my title.....Let me try a different approach. While I do appreciate everyone taking the time to comment on my posts, noone seems to listen to me. I DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE. I was simply trying to explain that by starting a new thread so people would quit acting like I'm an idiot for sticking around and perhaps give me an idea that I can try to put my marriage back together. If you have a question, ask me. Don't try to presume that my situation is exactly like everyone elses. If he didn't love me or have feelings for me, then he wouldn't still tell me that he loves me and hold onto me so tight when he hugs me....like he's afraid to let me go. * He wouldn't, after not seeing me for 2 weeks, hug me tight and start to cry. * He is not just a cheater. He is in the middle of a midlife crisis further compounded by the fact that his daughter just moved out RIGHT BEFORE ALL OF THIS STARTED and thereby leaving him in the house alone. He is lost and confused right now. He is a controlling person, and doesn't know what to trust or what to do with himself right now. I have been on this site for days reading and reading ....and reading. It seems to me that just about everyone that posts about their spouse cheating is told to get away fast and file for divorce. There ARE marriages that actually survive a cheating spouse and some are even stronger than they before. You do not know me but I can tell you that I am not an idiot! I am a well educated middle aged woman that loves her husband. I have a good job and have raised 4 kids pretty much on my own. Whether we were separated for 1 week or 4 years doesn't matter. We were still very much in communication with each other and probably spent more time together on a daily basis and had sex more often than many married couples living in the same house.
> 
> Now, if anyone has anything CONSTRUCTIVE to tell me, I very much welcome your input. If you just want to tell me how stupid I am and how there isn't any hope, I can feel depressed enough all on my own without your help! I do not have my head in the sand. I actually do realize how grim things look for my marriage. I don't have the answers that's why I came here for SUPPORT and other opinions. Can I please get some of that without the criticism?
> 
> ...


I'm sorry if I implied you were trying to trick us. I didn't think you were, not at all. 

I agree with the others. You should read up on the 180 and do that. If what I've bold above is true, you should be able to understand why the 180 may be effective. That is my advice if you want to save your marriage.

While doing the 180, don't get involved with anyone else, although it doesn't sound like you're even remotely interested in that, which is good.


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## Heartbroken in Texas (Nov 12, 2015)

Satya said:


> There is nothing that will make an impact on your hb as much as moving on with your life and letting him go completely.
> 
> jumping up and down waving your hands and shouting "pick ME!" will have zero effect.
> 
> ...



I am working on starting the 180 now. My counselor told me to write him a letter telling him that I will no longer contact him in any way, that I want our marriage to work and that I am giving him the space that he asked for but that I will not wait forever. I am having trouble writing the letter (mostly because I dread giving it to him). I plan to give it to him later this week on one of my days off. I have NO IDEA how I will be able to stay away, but I know I have to.

Unfortunately, I have to admit that I have done all of those behaviors. I am certainly not proud of it, but it happened. My feeligs and emotions have been allllllllll over the place and I just couldn't seem to control myself. UGH! One time I'm crying at his house and can't stop, the next time I might be mad and telling him how I don't deserve what he's doing to me. The next time I might be clinging to him just wanting to be close to him. It's so embarrasing. That is NOT how I would normally act. I even know it's wrong when I'm doing it, but yet I seem to do it anyway. It's embarrassing and humiliating. I have got to get a grip! Although, I was so sure the waving my arms around and yelling "Pick ME!" was the one that was going to work. LOL The thing is, every time I try to talk to him (convince him) or "make him see" my point of view, he just looks like he wants to say yes so badly. Like he's just right there, but then realizes what he's about to do and shuts down again. If he didn't give me hope, I wouldn't keep trying. I am definitely going to get the 180 started this week though. 

Thanks for taking the time to respond.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Heartbroken in Texas said:


> I am working on starting the 180 now. My counselor told me to write him a letter telling him that I will no longer contact him in any way, that I want our marriage to work and that I am giving him the space that he asked for but that I will not wait forever. I am having trouble writing the letter (mostly because I dread giving it to him). I plan to give it to him later this week on one of my days off. I have NO IDEA how I will be able to stay away, but I know I have to.
> 
> Unfortunately, I have to admit that I have done all of those behaviors. I am certainly not proud of it, but it happened. My feeligs and emotions have been allllllllll over the place and I just couldn't seem to control myself. UGH! One time I'm crying at his house and can't stop, the next time I might be mad and telling him how I don't deserve what he's doing to me. The next time I might be clinging to him just wanting to be close to him. It's so embarrasing. That is NOT how I would normally act. I even know it's wrong when I'm doing it, but yet I seem to do it anyway. It's embarrassing and humiliating. I have got to get a grip! Although, I was so sure the waving my arms around and yelling "Pick ME!" was the one that was going to work. LOL *The thing is, every time I try to talk to him (convince him) or "make him see" my point of view, he just looks like he wants to say yes so badly. Like he's just right there, but then realizes what he's about to do and shuts down again. * If he didn't give me hope, I wouldn't keep trying. I am definitely going to get the 180 started this week though.
> 
> Thanks for taking the time to respond.


It's because he's trying to decide between you and someone else.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Heartbroken in Texas you are not trying to trick us. 

However I do think you are perhaps trying to trick yourself, perhaps?

Your husband might be severely depressed.

Has he been seen by a doctor?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heartbroken in Texas (Nov 12, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I'm sorry if I implied you were trying to trick us. I didn't think you were, not at all.
> 
> I agree with the others. You should read up on the 180 and do that. If what I've bold above is true, you should be able to understand why the 180 may be effective. That is my advice if you want to save your marriage.
> 
> While doing the 180, don't get involved with anyone else, although it doesn't sound like you're even remotely interested in that, which is good.


Thanks for taking the time to try to help me! I deninitely have NO interest in anyone else. Not at all!! That is one thing I can say for sure is not going to happen. What I said about him hugging me and crying after not seeing me for 2 weeks was absolutely true. And, that's not the only thing he's done like that. I have been at his house and it's hard to even get him to look at me. When I ask why he says it's because if he looks at me, he won't want to stop. I had a doctor's appointment where I got some news that could possibly be bad. I didn't tell him about it until he asked me. When I did tell him, he broke down on the phone. Pretty sure he was having a panic attack and I don't think he's ever done that before. He seems to care, then the next minute the wall comes back down and he shuts me back out. It's very confusing and frustrating for me. He does think I'm trying to push him though and that's not what I want him to be thinking after I leave. That's why I am going to do the 180. For those on this list that have done the 180, did you tell them you were not going to contact them any more, did you write a letter telling them, or did you just do it and not say anything to them at all? My counselor told me that I should write a letter so that he would have it to go back and reread if and when necessary. Also, I hear the term "go dark" on here. What does that mean?? 

Again, thanks for your help.


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## Heartbroken in Texas (Nov 12, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> It's because he's trying to decide between you and someone else.


That's what makes the 180 so confusing for me. She gets to talk to him, see him and grow closer to him while I feel like I'm just going to be handing him over to her. How can he miss me if he doesn't have space from her? I know that I have to do it, I just feel like I'm giving up while she's putting on her A game.


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## Heartbroken in Texas (Nov 12, 2015)

@;@;@;


MattMatt said:


> Your husband might be severely depressed.
> 
> Has he been seen by a doctor?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, he is depressed and has been for a while. He has been seen by a doctor and been put on antidepressants and at one point he was on antianxiety medicine. They REALLY helped him, but he won't take them. He doesn't like taking medication and just plain refuses. It really helped our marriage when he was on them though.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Then he might require hospitalisation?

He needs treatment but you can't make him take it.

So there seems little that you can do other than what you have done. 

Are there any religious leaders who could be asked to intervene?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heartbroken in Texas (Nov 12, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Then he might require hospitalisation?
> 
> He needs treatment but you can't make him take it.
> 
> ...


They aren't going to put him in the hospital because he's not suicidal.They can't just lock him up and force medicine down his throat just for depression and midlife crisis. Would be sweet if they could though! 

I tried to get him to start going to church with me, but he refused. Not sure if it was because it was MY idea, or if it was just that it wasn't HIS idea. Either way, He doesn't know anyone from church.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Then you are in a position where your options are very, very limited indeed. 

I am really running out of ideas. Sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Heartbroken in Texas said:


> That's what makes the 180 so confusing for me. She gets to talk to him, see him and grow closer to him while I feel like I'm just going to be handing him over to her. How can he miss me if he doesn't have space from her? I know that I have to do it, I just feel like I'm giving up while she's putting on her A game.


Heartbroken, I think you misunderstand the 180. It's not used with the intention of getting him back. It's used with the intention for you to learn to detach and focus on YOUR life.

If you're using it as a "tool" to "win" him back, then I think you need to read all of the points of the 180 again and tell me which one says that it will win him back.

I know you're grasping, but part of your wellbeing is really going to depend on whether you can learn to let him go. If and when you reach that point, he will not really seem all that wonderful anymore, because you'll finally be seeing with clear vision the kind of person he really is. You're pining for what was.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Heartbroken in Texas said:


> They aren't going to put him in the hospital because he's not suicidal.They can't just lock him up and force medicine down his throat just for depression and midlife crisis. Would be sweet if they could though!
> 
> I tried to get him to start going to church with me, but he refused. Not sure if it was because it was MY idea, or if it was just that it wasn't HIS idea. Either way, He doesn't know anyone from church.


I'm not religiously observant any longer, but my mother has unfailingly gone to church every Sunday for her whole life. No matter how bad things are for her at the time, she goes without fail every Sunday because I think it gives her peace of mind. It's the one thing that no one and nothing can take from her.

Go without him, go for yourself. 

ETA: meant to add that if it helps, you should find some support from church leaders or groups. You won't be able to make him go with you, but it may help you to keep active and your mind off of things that just make you upset.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Heartbroken in Texas said:


> Thanks for taking the time to try to help me! I deninitely have NO interest in anyone else. Not at all!! That is one thing I can say for sure is not going to happen. What I said about him hugging me and crying after not seeing me for 2 weeks was absolutely true. And, that's not the only thing he's done like that. I have been at his house and it's hard to even get him to look at me. When I ask why he says it's because if he looks at me, he won't want to stop. I had a doctor's appointment where I got some news that could possibly be bad. I didn't tell him about it until he asked me. When I did tell him, he broke down on the phone. Pretty sure he was having a panic attack and I don't think he's ever done that before. He seems to care, then the next minute the wall comes back down and he shuts me back out. It's very confusing and frustrating for me. He does think I'm trying to push him though and that's not what I want him to be thinking after I leave. That's why I am going to do the 180. For those on this list that have done the 180, did you tell them you were not going to contact them any more, did you write a letter telling them, or did you just do it and not say anything to them at all? My counselor told me that I should write a letter so that he would have it to go back and reread if and when necessary. Also, I hear the term "go dark" on here. What does that mean??
> 
> Again, thanks for your help.


Go dark just means to ignore him. Don't reach out to him. Don't contact him. Act unemotional and business-like if he contacts you.

I would not recommend even writing him a letter. That's still giving him attention.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Heartbroken in Texas, I have been right where you are. I totally get that in midlife crisis, people become confused and then they send confusing messages to their spouses. 

I have spent 7 years dealing with this, and I would recommend looking at some forums on MLC, like midlifeclub.com or midlifedimensions.com if you're religious, or midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com. MLC forums are adamant that MLC and cheating is different from garden-variety cheating, and I'm not taking a position whether that's right or wrong, although intuitively at the time I felt they had a point. Cheating in either situation shares a host of features. One thing the MLC forums recommend is not rushing to divorce if you're not ready for it, but they all do proscribe the 180, although they don't refer to it that way. They call it detaching, but the 180 is the very best list and very best presentation of all the things involved in the practical way to detach. For me for a long time it was a term, and I tried to employ it, but I found the 180 here to be helpful and useful. 

But there are ways in which the advice on ANY forum is going to overlap. If your spouse is in midlife crisis and is making noise about being done with the marriage, he may decide he's not as thoroughly convinced about that as he sounds, just as you'll read about cake-eating cheaters who try to keep their spouse as Plan B. Yes, hugging you and telling you he's confused and acting like he doesn't want to lose you and wants to hold on to is a very real issue in MLC. But believe it or not, it is equally possible that while your h feels that way and sends you signals, he could just as easily be involved with someone else. When I landed on the first MLC forum after my h said "I love you but I'm not in love with you," someone wisely said, wait for the next shoe to drop, there's probably another woman. I didn't want to hear it. Not US, I said. He LOVES me, he's just depressed after a horrific physical procedure . . . this will pass. That was 7 years ago. The person was sadly right. 

When any forum tells you that by the time you hear from your h that he's not all in to the marriage and he wants space, he's had a LONG time to process that he's losing his grip on the relationship and has begun "backing out" emotionally and cerebrally for a while, and long before you get a heads up that something is wrong. This comes as a shock, of course, to you, and I definitely advise not making immediate plans or reacting out of emotion and doing something that could affect your life far into the future or for good. But the best think I learned while in the midst of my h's torment called MLC was to NEVER respond immediately, NEVER respond out of emotion, and buy time to decide how to respond, and avoid reacting. 

I don't know you the qualifications of your counselor, but I don't know that I'd advise sending a letter. If it were me, I'd simply employ the principle of no contact, or have a talk with him and say that for your own sake, and until things are resolved, you want to keep contact to a minimum, about finances or the kids. Keep it all about business. My h kept me SO confused for six months after his announcement and many years beyond. First it was the tried and true ILYBINILWY speech, and a few weeks later, he confessed to infidelity. He moved into an apartment and I thought he was going to work on himself and work on his depression, but his apartment was 1.7 miles from the OW, and five months later he moved in with her. But he never let go of me. I got on with my life, lost weight from the stress (and he thought I looked great), but he was nowhere near making a decision between the two of us. When I went to another country this summer for a conference related to my work, it was a clear signal to him I was moving on, and of course, he created some drama to contact me and try reconciliation. His OW has such a hold on him now that it didn't work. 

It is true what they say here, that if you give your guy a taste of the consequences of not having you and the kids and the home fires burning, they have to consider what they're losing. And I assure you I HEAR YOU when you say that you do not want a divorce; neither did I. My h filed 5 years ago, we had an agreement, all he had to do was go to court and hand it in, and he couldn't. He came home the evening after we left our lawyer's office and wanted to dismiss it, and we did. He has since filed again, October 5, but told me he wanted to while my mother was dying of cancer and filed a few days after her funeral. I'm not fighting this one; it is going through. He needs to feel the consequences of living 24/7 with the OW with no escape hatch, MLC or not. You can deliver that by detaching, but you don't do it for that reason; you do it to get strong and protect yourself and most of all remove your heart from the war zone. 

And when people tell you that you can't convince him, no amount of talking will help, you can't persuade him, they're right . . . whether through the deep depression and fog and the supremacy of the dark shadow that lives in him instead of the stand-up guy you thought married, he's not listening. He's at war with himself, and he's staring monster in the face and trying to subdue him. You'll be a battle casualty if you stay in the fray. And this is probably the most wrenching of all; if we lose our influence, our ability to say to our partner, we have a problem, could we consider seeing therapists, both of us, and look into getting you some help for your depression . . . we have lost one of the important features we bring to a relationship. But it's gone now. You can only get it back if HE decides HE's in the relationship. 

Some people go through MLC without cheating, but it is rare. I'm not saying your h has an affair partner. But I AM saying that if your h is in MLC, he's coming out on his own steam and in his own time, and you can't hasten it, prevent it, or influence it. You didn't cause this, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. All you can control is yourself and your responses. And you HAVE TO take care of you. 

You can hope that your h comes through and comes home, and you can hope that there won't be a divorce, and you can hope that things all work out. And I know lots of people who divorced while their h was in MLC, at his insistence, and have reconciled. MLC takes various amounts of time to work through, but most of them take 3-5 years. My h dropped the divorce bomb again at 7 years; dropping the bomb usually happens at replay, about half-way in to MLC. So if he's only half way, I've got 7 more years, and believe it or not, i have known people who have reconciled at 13 years or later. I'm not planning on reconciliation, btw. 

But do you want to put your life on hold like that? If you'll get strong and look out for you, there will come a point when you accept that what you want may not happen, or your h will do something to really hurt you enough that you don't want him back, or you could realize how toxic your married life with someone who could succumb so easily without taking care of himself and seeing to his issues and become strong . . . any number of things could happen. But for now, I want to focus on your current feelings and responses and fears and confusions. You can't save your husband OR your marriage, but if you cling, if you plead and beg, if you don't become mysterious and focus on your own life now that your kids are about to be out of the nest, you won't be attractive to him. But more importantly, you won't be living your life as you could, and you may regret the wasted time. If you get better and stronger and more detached, you'll protect your heart and yourself, and that's a plus. It's okay to step aside, detach, let things unfold, and think of your responses in terms of what's healthy, instead of calculating whether it will bring him back or save your marriage, since that kind of calculation is doomed to fail. You have no way of controlling the future where it comes to your h's process and decisions. You don't have to file for divorce, and you don't have to take active steps to try to wake him up or make him realize what he's losing, but if I were you, I'd make financial plans to be self-supportive in the event of a divorce. One of the primary reasons people fear divorce is the financial situation left in its wake. He's awake; he's awake to the fact that he's not 20 anymore and that mortality is real and the hounds of heaven are nipping at his heels. He's taking some steps to alleviate that pain by ditching what he knows and possibly looking for a younger person or a different environment. So you need to wake up to what you can do to prepare you, and that doesn't mean you have to take steps you're not comfortable with that could end your marriage legally. But if he should do so, you need to be ready.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

HBiT, you have been given some really good advice here in regards to the 180. Do NOT do it to get him back, that should be the farthest thing from your mind. Do NOT worry about him being depressed. Do NOT worry about him not going to church. In fact I would advise YOU to not go to church. But rather I would advise you to discover your own personal relationship with the God you believe in absent the man made shenanigans of organized religion. How? By focusing on yourself, recognizing what you truly value. You are addicted and your addiction is skewing your view of what you want. The only way to find what you want is to find out who you are. You can only do that by breaking contact with him and focusing on yourself. In going so you may come to realize that some one else or someone else's view (religion) is not what you are truly about. Find your own happiness, odds are good that in the end it will be you who wants no part of someone who cannot love you the way you want to be loved. You deserve happiness, find yours. For you!


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Heartbroken in Texas said:


> @;@;@;
> 
> Yes, he is depressed and has been for a while. He has been seen by a doctor and been put on antidepressants and at one point he was on antianxiety medicine. They REALLY helped him, but he won't take them. He doesn't like taking medication and just plain refuses. It really helped our marriage when he was on them though.


I had the very same issue. H was diagnosed by his doctor with depression and paranoia, and the doc put him on anti-depressants, and he did really well. And then he stopped taking them, refusing to believe the problem was physiological or anything else other than just how he "feels." Depression has robbed him of feeling and relationships many times over his life. And when he gets his feelings back (he's bi polar) he has regrets but feels like a victim, like the people he hurt didn't understand him or stand by him. It is a vicious cycle, of abandoning people before they abandon him, which he thinks is inevitable, and then realizing he made a mistake, but not taking responsibility for it. 

I'm not saying your h will do that, but my h already had mental health issues before his MLC hit; not huge issues but regular bouts with depression, that worsened after his physical issues and his onset of MLC. 

Basically, if your h is involved with someone else, he thinks SHE'S the solution to the his problems.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Ynot said:


> HBiT, you have been given some really good advice here in regards to the 180. Do NOT do it to get him back, that should be the farthest thing from your mind. Do NOT worry about him being depressed. Do NOT worry about him not going to church. In fact I would advise YOU to not go to church. But rather I would advise you to discover your own personal relationship with the God you believe in absent the man made shenanigans of organized religion. How? By focusing on yourself, recognizing what you truly value. You are addicted and your addiction is skewing your view of what you want. *The only way to find what you want is to find out who you are. You can only do that by breaking contact with him and focusing on yourself*. In going so you may come to realize that some one else or someone else's view (religion) is not what you are truly about. *Find your own happiness*, odds are good that in the end it will be you who wants no part of someone who cannot love you the way you want to be loved. You deserve happiness, find yours. For you!


THIS! :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

I know this is early for you, and the possibility that finding your way to happiness without your h sounds farfetched and completely incomprehensible right now, but it is worth repeating and reminding you of, to give you a goal to work towards and take your mind (and eyes) off what your husband is doing.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I think you should finish your letter, go to the party store, buy a giant balloon, tie the letter to it, and let it go in a big field or by the sea. 

Then DO everything you wrote you were going to do in it. Don't tell him, just do.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Satya said:


> I think you should finish your letter, go to the party store, buy a giant balloon, tie the letter to it, and let it go in a big field or by the sea.
> 
> Then DO everything you wrote you were going to do in it. Don't tell him, just do.


I think that's BRILLIANT.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You probably didn't realize at the time but separation means most of the time you aren't working on the marriage and can create barriers. Not to mention others becoming involved in the marriage.

Ugh. At this point he's seeing others you have an uphill struggle. He's actually cheating in my opinion.

Ask yourself these questions? Do you actually want him back after his affair? Can you live with that long term? If you can't file on him. 

If you still want him back you have to get him back in the home. Meaning you need to use this time wisely. Make him see what he's missing. If you are together make it as pleasant as possible.

Have specific occasions and make it great when he attends. Plan it well. Look your best. Exercise and dress well. Work on your mind as well as your physical aspects.

Limit contact unless you have something planned. He needs to miss you. Do not appear needy or clingy. In other words he needs to see what he is missing out on.

Good luck to you


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Heartbroken in Texas said:


> @;@;@;
> 
> 
> MattMatt said:
> ...



What marriage?! A marriage is two people who love each other and live together in the same house. Ohh! Are you referring to this GF/BF arrangement where you see him all the time and screw him occasionally but when he goes to bed alone and wakes up alone and yearns for a woman to cuddle with during the night he is SOL. 

Maybe he is not in MLC. He may just be done...end of his rope and he no longer wants to hold on to it. His emotional display may have been him coming to terms that this "arrangement" is slowly killing him and he is letting you and the Hell/limbo he had of your "marriage" go.

THIS IS YOUR CHOOSING. I do not believe in separation, you are either all in or all out. I would have filed and replaced you 3 yrs and 9 mo. ago.


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## Heartbroken in Texas (Nov 12, 2015)

TeddieG.....That had to be the LONGEST and the best response I have seen written on this forum. Thank you SO MUCH for taking the time to write to me. As I was reading it, I actually FELT like you had been exactly where I am. As far as my husband goes, he IS cheating on me. I found that out within a week or so of his declaration that he needed "space" to work on himself and take care of some things. He denies it and says they are just "talking." Well, whatever. They talk for hours every day and he goes down to see her (she lives about 4 hours away) every time he has a day off work. I have been going to counseling by myself and have been doing lots of reading and trying to work on myself. I'm not crying every single day and I don't just stare at the wall all day long anymore. I still don't have any motivation to get up and do much of anything, but I am trying. I've lost 25lbs so far (having problems eating and sleeping) and I walk about 5 miles 4 times a week. I'm hoping to eventually start to feel better, but I'm just not there yet. I'm still incredibly lonely and feel empty and numb inside. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I know that eventually it will get easier and that scares me because it will mean that I'm actually moving on without him . I am having trouble figuring out why he thinks SHE is the answer. I mean, she is the complete opposite of what he likes. He doesn't like tattoos...she has one. He doesn't like women that drink because his EX was an alcoholic....she drinks. He hates facebook because that would mean someone is spending time communicating with people that aren't HIM...she does facebook. She has LOTS of friends and family that she hangs out with....he would hate that because it would make her to hard to isolate. I just don't get it, how can he even be remotely interested in her? Ugh! 

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciated your response.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Heartbroken in Texas said:


> TeddieG.....That had to be the LONGEST and the best response I have seen written on this forum. Thank you SO MUCH for taking the time to write to me. As I was reading it, I actually FELT like you had been exactly where I am. As far as my husband goes, he IS cheating on me. I found that out within a week or so of his declaration that he needed "space" to work on himself and take care of some things. He denies it and says they are just "talking." Well, whatever. They talk for hours every day and he goes down to see her (she lives about 4 hours away) every time he has a day off work. I have been going to counseling by myself and have been doing lots of reading and trying to work on myself. I'm not crying every single day and I don't just stare at the wall all day long anymore. I still don't have any motivation to get up and do much of anything, but I am trying. I've lost 25lbs so far (having problems eating and sleeping) and I walk about 5 miles 4 times a week. I'm hoping to eventually start to feel better, but I'm just not there yet. I'm still incredibly lonely and feel empty and numb inside. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I know that eventually it will get easier and that scares me because it will mean that I'm actually moving on without him . I am having trouble figuring out why he thinks SHE is the answer. I mean, she is the complete opposite of what he likes. He doesn't like tattoos...she has one. He doesn't like women that drink because his EX was an alcoholic....she drinks. He hates facebook because that would mean someone is spending time communicating with people that aren't HIM...she does facebook. She has LOTS of friends and family that she hangs out with....he would hate that because it would make her to hard to isolate. I just don't get it, how can he even be remotely interested in her? Ugh!
> 
> Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciated your response.


Heartbroken, this is what I mean about the shadow. My h has two boys who in their teenaged years turned into thugs and thought the rapper culture was cool. One of them has outgrown it, but I swear to you my h sounded like them and acted like them. If you can find the stages of midlife crisis on the Internet, the ones by Hearts Blessing, which is on the DivorceBusting.com forum but also on a website Hearts Blessing built herself, you'll see that they go through this period of rebelling and rejecting everything in their life that smacks of the kind of life they had before the MLC broke. 

That WAS a long post but it is a summation of all I've learned about MLC and how to respond. In my case, I was lucky to get two hours of sleep in a given night but I would get up and go to work and push myself through the day. But one thing that WILL help is to try to avoid observing what he's doing and with whom, and focus on yourself. If you watch what he's doing or see how he's interacting and with whom, it will just hurt you. My h finally hurt me ultimately and finally after 7 years at my mother's funeral, after being a stand-up guy for most of it; but no sooner was my mom in the ground than he was responding to texts from the OW, who had hacked his email and saw the email from h's mother sending condolences about my loss. Don't compete with this woman; don't even try. Your h will love it and it will just keep you on the roller coaster, and you need to detach and get off and see to yourself and your own needs. Monster is when he's mean and nasty and will hurt you for getting in the way of his "happiness" with OW. Don't let him. Even IF Monster is not your h, you'll find on midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com that it is monster who is in love or lust with the AP. Steer clear, and stay on track. You can do this.


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## Heartbroken in Texas (Nov 12, 2015)

Divinely Favored said:


> What marriage?! A marriage is two people who love each other and live together in the same house. Ohh! Are you referring to this GF/BF arrangement where you see him all the time and screw him occasionally but when he goes to bed alone and wakes up alone and yearns for a woman to cuddle with during the night he is SOL.
> 
> Maybe he is not in MLC. He may just be done...end of his rope and he no longer wants to hold on to it. His emotional display may have been him coming to terms that this "arrangement" is slowly killing him and he is letting you and the Hell/limbo he had of your "marriage" go.
> 
> THIS IS YOUR CHOOSING. I do not believe in separation, you are either all in or all out. I would have filed and replaced you 3 yrs and 9 mo. ago.


Really? Did that somehow make you feel better? If you knew me or my husband, you would realize what a completely asinine and uncalled for response that was! I moved out of the house because he was emotionally abusive to me and my children. I was trying to give him time to work on himself because I didn't want to divorce him. I knew he had problems and I was willing to stand by him through them, but not at the expense of my kids and my own sanity. When HE was having a hard time, I reassured him, held him, comforted him and was always there for him. I allowed him to isolate me from my friends and family and listened while he constantly accused me of lying and looking for other men....all of which was completely something he made up in his own head and was never anything that I was doing. We always did what HE wanted to do and had to listen to his negative comments constantly. I TRIED to move back in 3 times over the course of our separation and even asked once for him to move in with me. I have been the only person working on our marriage while he blamed me for everything when it was his own fault. I have listened to him tell me how wrong I am all the time and daily criticism. If I had ANY self confidence at all, I might think that I deserved to be treated better than he treats me, but unfortunately I guess I don't. If there has been anyone mistreated in our marriage, I can assure you that it was NOT HIM!!!!! So, while I do so appreciate you taking the time to give me such great insight into my life and marriage, next time don't bother!


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Your husband sounds an awful lot like me. I would have occasional flings and then feel awful about it. My wife handled it very differently than most on here would. She did what people in this forum would refer to as rugsweeping, but when I look at our situation its not that black and white. She has basically decided that even though I am flawed she will love me anyway. Like you she doesn't want anyone else and has made that clear. I wish she didn't take that approach.

I say this because if I had any fear that I would lose her, I would never stray at all. Losing her wouldn't be worth it. Based on what you describe if you really want him back, I agree that he has to think he is going to lose you. I know you don't really want to leave and that's fine. But I would recommend that you at least bluff like you are ready to move on with your life. Trust me, he will drop that other woman in a heartbeat and come back home.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Heartbroken in Texas said:


> Divinely Favored said:
> 
> 
> > What marriage?! A marriage is two people who love each other and live together in the same house. Ohh! Are you referring to this GF/BF arrangement where you see him all the time and screw him occasionally but when he goes to bed alone and wakes up alone and yearns for a woman to cuddle with during the night he is SOL.
> ...


I did not see you post about him being abusive before separation....only trouble with kids blending. Thats what I took as why you separated from him was kids not getting along. You had not mentioned all the attempts to get back together.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Your OP had none of this info. If this is the facts of the matter, you should have left his abusive azz.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Divinely Favored said:


> Your OP had none of this info. If this is the facts of the matter, you should have left his abusive azz.


I tend to skim posts and didn't see where it said he was abusive. I would agree that if he is abusive that she needs to move on.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

Heartbroken in Texas said:


> Yes, I have been going to counseling trying to get myself back together. I am normally a strong person that stays level headed and can be depended on in a stressful situation. This has just turned me into someone that I don't even know. I have been walking a lot because it helps me clear my head. I've lost 25lbs in the last 6 weeks. I have been hanging out with some girls from work that I had previously separated myself from because I was allowing my husband to isolate me from everyone. I am about to initiate the 180. *My counselor said I should write a letter to him telling him basically that I won't be in contact and if he decides that he wants to work on things then we can discuss them...but that I won't wait forever. And, I won't.* It has taken me about 2 weeks to be able to bring myself to even think about doing this. I still have to finish my letter to him. I figure I will give it to him sometime this week. I just don't know how I will ever be able to stay away. It just seems like I am stepping back and giving him the opportunity to put me out of his mind so he doesn't have to remember what he will be loosing. I know that I have to do it, I just don't know where I will find the strength.


It seems like your therapist has given you some solid advice.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

OP,

The title of this forum is "Coping with Infidelity", not "Accepting Infidelity".

If you want the best *chance* to avoid divorce, then your husband can't feel that you are a "anytime he's ready", plan B option. He must be emotionally moved to regret losing his wife for cheating on her. And the best way to do that, is by immediately starting the process of the very thing you want to avoid the most. It may be counter-intuitive, but that's just the way it is.


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