# I don't want a roommate



## Some chick (Apr 24, 2014)

Feeling lost, tired, and confused- I've posted here before. I'm 31, husband is 43. Things have gotten to the point where I am extremely lonely, both physically and mentally. Sex has gradually decreased, it used to be every weekend, now it's 1x a month, sometimes less. It's been over a month currently. There is no cuddling unless I initiate it. We sleep on opposite sides of a king bed so far away that we're unable to touch even with an outstretched arm. There is no meaningful conversation. My husband doesn't plan anything or take any initiative in life in general. I didn't even get flowers for our 5 year wedding anniversary. For Christmas last year, all I asked for was a love letter describing his feelings ( I am completely starved for love at this point). I didn't get it. He is luke warm and apathetic towards life. There is no communication. I have asked him if he's depressed on numerous occasions- he immediately says no and shuts me down. He's a brick wall. I have voiced all of these concerns to him. I've told him verbally, I've written him letters, I've lost it and yelled (not good I know. And not often). It all falls on deaf ears. I've asked to go to therapy (after voicing all these concerns for years) his response is therapy for what? Are you kidding me? He seems to think everything is fine. He is not a dumb man. Highly intelligent actually.


I often find myself on the brink of tears for no reason at all because there is a lonliness deep inside me that is getting to the point where it feels like a physical pain. All of this being said, he's a good person. He'd probably never leave me. He is trust worthy and honest. He works every day. He's financially responsible. He treats our dogs like princesses. He is a decent human being. I often consider leaving, but I wonder what for. What would I be trying to obtain. I feel like nobody is perfect and if I were to find another man, I'd probably be trading some good for some bad. Maybe I could find someone that will cuddle/sex/romance me, but maybe they'd be dishonest or bad with money. I feel like you can't have it all. Am I wrong? I don't know anymore. 

Also, I see what it's like out there- most of the men under 40 want 20 yr olds. I will be 32 in a few months and I worry that I'd have serious trouble finding a good man and may even end up alone forever if I were to divorce.

Despite all of this, I really do still love my husband. I feel like maybe that's part of why this hurts so much- because I am living with someone I love who doesn't love me back- at least not in the way I need to be loved. Maybe he does love me- but it's in his own closed off brick wall way and it's killing me. I don't know how to fix things because I don't think they're for me to fix. I can't force psychical/emotional intimacy. He is not cuddeling and having sex with me because he doesn't feel the desire to. You can't make someone desire you.

I'm not sure what else to say. I have good physical hygiene. I exercise daily. I am not over weight. I'm not sure what can be done on my end and frankly, I'm getting tired of trying. 

I'm not even sure what advice I'm looking for.


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## Some chick (Apr 24, 2014)

I also want to add- another thing that is keeping me from leaving is that this pain I am feeling now will not just magically dissapear if I leave. As I said above, I still love him very much and there is no doubt in my mind that this pain will get drastically WORSE for a long time after we split (if we split). We have a lot of memories together- we've been together since 2010. Sure, maybe the pain of divorce could one day subside and I'd feel better and know I made the right choice- blahblah- but maybe it wouldn't. Maybe I'd end up alone and regretful forever. There are no guarantees in life and leaving him could end up being the biggest mistake I ever made- and that scares me.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I remarried at 35, to a 50 year old man, and we have no issues with intimacy whatsoever. I knew my ex for 13 year so I had a lot of history there as well. The pain was deep at first when we divorced, but over time, I healed. 

Could your husband be gay? 

You say he will never leave you. Are you prepared to leave him in order to seek the love you need? Your needs are legitimate and more than valid, but you need to accept that they cannot be fulfilled by your husband. 

I'm sorry you're in this place. Everyone deserves to have their needs met in a relationship.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Another idea worth considering: your husband sounds depressed. His attitude to life, enjoyment and sex seems to reflect this. He might need treatment/help for this. Is there anyway you could get him in to be assessed for depression ?

As for you, I have no doubt that you will attract men should you leave him - just make sure that you pick the right one if you do leave and seek other relationships.


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## Some chick (Apr 24, 2014)

I've never received any indication he is gay. Probably unlikely, but who knows. If anything I would suspect that somewhere along the way he fell out of love with me. That seems to be the most probable possibility. To answer your question- I am not sure I am capable of leaving. Or even if it would be the right choice. It's a rough world out there and I have very few close friends or family.


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## Some chick (Apr 24, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> Another idea worth considering: your husband sounds depressed. His attitude to life, enjoyment and sex seems to reflect this. He might need treatment/help for this. Is there anyway you could get him in to be assessed for depression ?
> 
> As for you, I have no doubt that you will attract men should you leave him - just make sure that you pick the right one if you do leave and seek other relationships.


I've asked if he's depressed many times. He says no. I would love to get him assessed and treatment, but I don't know how when he's unwilling to admit it.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Sweetie...if he isn't willing to do anything to address the problem (and it's a big one) you only have 2 choices. Either live in a passionless marriage or leave. 

I can promise you that if you stay, it will only get worse and your resentment will build. 

BTDT...I left. I'm on my own now and not quite ready for a relationship but I will tell you what I told myself the most:

Being lonely sucks sometimes, but being lonely in a marriage is HELL all of the time. 

Good luck!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You say you don't want to leave and risk being alone for the rest of your life. Seems to me you're alone now.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Some chick said:


> I've asked if he's depressed many times. He says no. I would love to get him assessed and treatment, but I don't know how when he's unwilling to admit it.


People who are depressed don't always know that they are. The idea is to get him to a professional and ask them to determine if he is depressed (without telling your husband that he is being assessed for depression).


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Several things.

Its not at all unreasonable to expect romance and passion to continue. I'm in my mid 50s and I still dearly love my wife, do all sorts of romantic things with her, and would have passionate sex several times a week if only she were willing.

I don't think its true that men under 40 only want women 20 year olds. As I've aged, the age of women I find attractive has increased as well. Its not that I don't recognize the beauty of a 20 year old, but they seem almost like a child to me. If I were in to casual sex (I'm not) , I could imagine it being fun, but I couldn't imagine any sort of real relationship with someone much younger than myself. I don't think I've ever been seriously attracted to women more than 10 years younger than myself, and mostly I'm interested in women roughly my own age. 

So if you leave, you will have no trouble finding someone else. 


Was your husband always like this, or did it change suddenly or gradually? 

What is the rest of his life like? Does he have a job or hobbies that he enjoys? What makes him happy in life?

Does he have passion (not sexual) for other things in life?

What do you do together for fun?


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Some chick said:


> Feeling lost, tired, and confused- I've posted here before. I'm 31, husband is 43. Things have gotten to the point where I am extremely lonely, both physically and mentally. Sex has gradually decreased, it used to be every weekend, now it's 1x a month, sometimes less. It's been over a month currently. There is no cuddling unless I initiate it. We sleep on opposite sides of a king bed so far away that we're unable to touch even with an outstretched arm. There is no meaningful conversation. My husband doesn't plan anything or take any initiative in life in general. I didn't even get flowers for our 5 year wedding anniversary. For Christmas last year, all I asked for was a love letter describing his feelings ( I am completely starved for love at this point). I didn't get it. He is luke warm and apathetic towards life. There is no communication. I have asked him if he's depressed on numerous occasions- he immediately says no and shuts me down. He's a brick wall. I have voiced all of these concerns to him. I've told him verbally, I've written him letters, I've lost it and yelled (not good I know. And not often). It all falls on deaf ears. I've asked to go to therapy (after voicing all these concerns for years) his response is therapy for what? Are you kidding me? He seems to think everything is fine. He is not a dumb man. Highly intelligent actually.
> 
> 
> I often find myself on the brink of tears for no reason at all because there is a lonliness deep inside me that is getting to the point where it feels like a physical pain. All of this being said, he's a good person. He'd probably never leave me. He is trust worthy and honest. He works every day. He's financially responsible. He treats our dogs like princesses. He is a decent human being. I often consider leaving, but I wonder what for. What would I be trying to obtain. I feel like nobody is perfect and if I were to find another man, I'd probably be trading some good for some bad. Maybe I could find someone that will cuddle/sex/romance me, but maybe they'd be dishonest or bad with money. I feel like you can't have it all. Am I wrong? I don't know anymore.


My wife shares some of these same traits with your husband. The differences is that my wife likes to hold hands in public, say "I love you" when we go to sleep, and have good quality sex once per week. Like your husband, she is trustworthy, but also has no interest to discuss romantic ideas or sex. I don't mention anything on our wedding anniversaries because I know that she doesn't remember it. Therefore like you, I also go back and forth between being content and discontent.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

This is why people have affairs. Leave him before you go that route. Once you're sick and tired of being sick and tired, you'll pack your important crap and leave, and go buy more new crap. He won't change unless you show him you're serious and his actions have consequences. You need to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. This is when you go find an apartment and start living life for yourself. Tell him once separated, you're dating and looking for the intimacy and passion you've been craving. If you find someone better that will meet your needs, you'll leave him. See what his reaction is. That will tell you everything you need to know.

I've been there, done that. I'm much happier after finding someone I connect with and want to have mind blowing sex daily with.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

@Some chick, your husband is happy with the relationship. As humans, we generally aren't great with empathy. He is happy and doesn't see that you are unhappy. He might hear your words, but he doesn't actually understand the situation. 

You've asked him to do couples' therapy. Have you let him know the depth of your sadness? I know it can be very difficult. You have to open up and be vulnerable to someone who is already demonstrating a lack of care towards you. This lack of care is hurting you, even though it is not his intention.

I think that one thing that many of us do is, we wait far too long to really let our spouse know the true situation. This can be true for men or women, IMO. We struggle and try to do our best, holding out, until we've gone too far and there is no turning back. Only then do we start talking about divorce. 

Don't get me wrong: talk of divorce should only occur when it is an actual possibility. But in your case, you are heading towards divorce, cheating, or long-term, deep unhappiness. You are too young to give up your entire life to deep unhappiness. This is the time to start the conversation.

You will be doing your husband a good thing, if you can tell him plainly that you are deeply unhappy, and that as much as you love him, you think divorce may be on the horizon if things don't change. Do it *now*, while you still love him, and if he takes the opportunity to change, you will still stay with him.

I had to do it in my marriage once. I told him that I was having this conversation now because I loved him and I truly did not want to divorce. I wanted to do everything possible to avoid it, but that without change, I could not continue to stay in the relationship. My H was angry and resentful for a while, but he did make the change, and we've built a whole new and much improved life since then. It's been nearly two years and I think we are stronger now than at any other point in our marriage so far. 

If you have to leave, you are still young! You don't even have any kids, right? I married my H when I was 37, and my H is just about a year younger than I am. Don't let fear guide your decisions. It is wise to evaluate the risks, but know that your risks of life-long solitude are very, very low. My 70 year old widowed mom has found love, she is happier than I have ever seen her! There is no age limit for love.

But maybe a frank conversation, in which you truly make clear the risk of divorce, will wake your husband up. You see this all the time on just about any marriage forum: "She told me she was unhappy, but I thought she was just nagging, or it was her time of the month" (you see if from women, too, who didn't realize the depth the husband's unhappiness, usually regarding sex.) But then, they realize the depth of the problem, and many do go on to make permanent changes. 

Give him that opportunity. If he doesn't respond well, and you have to leave, you'll know that you did everything you could. At the same time, being clear and upfront now gives you the best opportunity to stay together and have a better marriage.


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## LivingInAMistake (Aug 8, 2017)

I feel like I'm on the opposite end of what you're going through. I was there, but I left, and now I'm with the "someone that will cuddle/sex/romance me, but [is] dishonest or bad with money." 

I don't know what to tell you. I wish I could go back but if I was there again, I would feel that same emotional pain that's so bad it's physical. However, I feel it now anyway. 

My husband had similar confusing behaviours. Turns out he was hiding something. Your husband sounds depressed. He may be intelligent, but maybe he's just uncomfortable with mental health matters. If I could go back, I would help my previous partner deal with their issues (being emotionally blocked) and try to love him through it to a solution. We should have not been so gentle with each other's feelings and communicated more. We barely had sex once a month and he would not cuddle me at all nor kiss me with an open mouth. I used to just nuzzle up between his shoulder blades as he faced the other way, and that was the extent of cuddling. I am also fit and attractive and take care of myself. My ex was also highly intelligent. Sometimes, you just can't get through.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Find a female primary care physician. One that will work with you.

Tell her about your husbands lack of interest in sex and intimacy.

Tell her to prescribe [one months worth] of testosterone gel for you. Do not try to have your health insurance pay for it. Will not happen.

When Rip van Dinkleless is asleep, rub one packet a day on his exposed whatever.

If his mood and desire changes [and it will] you will know the answer.

Do not take this or perceive this as another SCM funny boner post.

I am seriously serious. Yep.

As you have written, he is the perfect husband except he is passionless...

I would not wish that life on anyone. You are too young to be in forced chastity.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

LivingInAMistake said:


> I feel like I'm on the opposite end of what you're going through. I was there, but I left, and now I'm with the "someone that will cuddle/sex/romance me, but [is] dishonest or bad with money."
> 
> I don't know what to tell you. I wish I could go back but if I was there again, I would feel that same emotional pain that's so bad it's physical. However, I feel it now anyway.
> 
> My husband had similar confusing behaviours. Turns out he was hiding something. Your husband sounds depressed. He may be intelligent, but maybe he's just uncomfortable with mental health matters. If I could go back, I would help my previous partner deal with their issues (being emotionally blocked) and try to love him through it to a solution. We should have not been so gentle with each other's feelings and communicated more. We barely had sex once a month and he would not cuddle me at all nor kiss me with an open mouth. I used to just nuzzle up between his shoulder blades as he faced the other way, and that was the extent of cuddling. I am also fit and attractive and take care of myself. My ex was also highly intelligent. Sometimes, you just can't get through.


:frown2:

Ouch!

Lingering feelings for one's Ex?
............................................................................
Problem:

Our life's transmission has forward, neutral but no reverse. No going backward.
Study the road ahead. Avoid dead end streets. You have no reverse.
Easy said....hard to do.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

You are so very young so don't feel like you can't do something because your in your 30's. You are not happy and it WILL get worse if you don't find a solution. He seems very comfortable. I would offer marriage counseling and if he refuses then you need to go yourself!! It may take just a few sessions to figure out what is going on. He may feel the same but doesn't want to 'rock the boat'.


I have a roommate and didn't do nothing about it.. I honestly thought it would get better but here I am years later with kids. He refuses counseling but I continue for myself. I thought he was gay, maybe a co-worker he liked but it was none of that. I now know that he has anxiety but also he is just comfortable in our marriage. Not sure he is capable to feel emotions. I have sent articles and emails to him and he doesn't give me anything back. So either i have to except this and continue to be lonely in our marriage or get myself together and move on.


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## kettle (Oct 28, 2016)

I wish I had a good answer for you. My wife and I have a similar age gap. It gets rough at time to be sure. We are two very different people and we will see what the future holds.
Sexually we are different. I go through periods where I want a lot and other times once a month seems to much. In saying that I seem to be far kinkier than my wife. She wont even wear lingerie for me. 
I have just read No More Mr Nice Guy and I dont know if my marriage will survive the exercises it talks about. I dont know if that book would help your husband or not. Perhaps worth a try.
I would not blame you for divorcing. I think marriages with large age gaps are difficult to navigate. Obviously there are many marriages that are successful, but I think for the majority there is an extra layer of difficulty.
As for your age there are many men that would date you.


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