# wife has EA says still loves me



## cnpchris2 (Sep 12, 2011)

This week I began to feel uncomfortable about the communication my wife was having with a co-worker. She was traveling on business with him and seemed to drop off the radar for over 12 hours. In the past I would not have even worried about it but this past month we had to adjust our text plan to cove the amount of texts she was using. Originally I thought nothing of it because she has been working on a side project of writing a book with this person. But when she dropped off the grid for the night.

With my concern I looked at her phone and text records only to find that she would text him throughout the day and talk on the phone during her rides to and from work.(He is not local). I was noticing that instead of times when she would normally be talking to me, she was communicating with him. While she was away I told her I was uncomfortable and was concerned she was having an affair. She denied it. Over the next 2 days I had to wait for her to finish her travel and come home. On the day she came home, I checked her phone and noticed that before she called me to let me know she landed she texted him. 

When she got home I called her on it. She admitted that she had a communication relationship with him but never saw it as anything else. I explained that when you go to someone other than your husband first and are dependent on the communication with him, then you are having an emotional affair. There has not been any sexual content between them. He is married too. After a bit of talking she understood. 

Here is the crux, 4 years ago I lost my job and had a hard time finding my motivation to get another job. She has always been the primary financial contributor to the family. I ended up substitute teaching. After the first year I started looking for a full time job, not with any vigor. About 1 1/2 years ago I actively started looking. During our conversations this weekend I found out that she had deep resentment for my lack of drive after losing my job. During that span there were up and down times between us. The emotional affair has filled a void that she didn't want to get from me, because of the deep rooted resentment towards me.

About 2 1/2 years ago we went through a 5 month period of not having sex. I happened to come across an old girfriend on FB and we started talking. It ended up leading to a sexting/phone sex affair. No emotional connection. One day my wife saw I was getting a text and I over reacted. I grabbed the phone from her. That was my breaking point and I ended it immediately. Until this weekend my wife didn't know it was an affair and thought it was just friends. She was a little hurt but doesn't blame me because she wasn't providing the physical part of our relationship. 

We have 2 children, 8 & 10. My wife tells me she still loves me and wants to raise our children as a family, but at the same time tells me that right now she wants to do it as co habitants. We have talked for hours this weekend. She does not want to stop the EA because of how good it makes her feel. She is not sure about trying to fix us. She says she needs time. My fear is that time will ony give her the opportunity to grow further apart. 

I know that if I didn't get suspicious and confront her, we would have kept on going the with me being happy and thinking that she was feeling better about us because she seemed happier as of late. 

The worst thing about it is she can talk to him to make her feel better, but she is my best friend and now I don't have anyone to talk to about what is going on. I love her so much and have told her that I want her and will do anything to help her fall in love with me again. 

I don't know what to do. My heart is broken.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You will hear this from others too, so please listen.

You must demand she stop the EA immediately or she must leave and you will start divorce proceedings. Her continuing the affair is not acceptable in any way. It in fact will end your marriage, because the deeper it goes the less she will contribute to the marriage. So I do not lightly tell you that you must. Explain it is him, or the marriage.

There is a good chance it has already gone PAby the sound of it.

Get a voice activated recorder and put it in her car under the seat. If she has a smart phone get a spy app to follow what she is texting him. 

Her resentment about the past etc blame shifting, and her telling you to put you marriage effectively on hold, is her telling you that she is choosing him over you already, but if he doesn't work out she might give you a second try. All these red flags are why I say it has likely already gone PA.

You need to tell her, and back it up, that you do not accept putting the marriage on hold, you will not be number two behind him, and if that is what she is choosing, then the marriage is at an end now.

Please do not try to make yourself more appealing to her by showing her how much you care etc. You need to instead show her she is choosing to throw away the marriage.

Aldo help end the affair by exposing it. Tell the company they work at, find out if he has a wife or gf. Yeah she will be mad, but for certain her affair will not end unless you take action, and it will kill your marriage if it doesn't end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Oh and there is no book bring written. The 12 hours was them hooking up. She could have easily texted you, but she was busy with him,

I'm not trying to hurt you, I'm trying to get you to realize just how bad it is and how strongly you need to act here. This man is stealing you wife and family, you need to go to war and not accept any continued contact at all with him. And you need to monitor and watch because they will take it underground.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> You will hear this from others too, so please listen.
> 
> You must demand she stop the EA immediately or she must leave and you will start divorce proceedings. Her continuing the affair is not acceptable in any way. It in fact will end your marriage, because the deeper it goes the less she will contribute to the marriage. So I do not lightly tell you that you must. Explain it is him, or the marriage.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Yes. When she dropped off the grid is was most likely to be intimate.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I thought more about your post. 

Please read the other experiences here because your wife is following the cheaters handbook to the letter. Btw, if she still loved you etc as she claimed she would end the affair when you confronted her. Instead she told you she was choosing it over you, and that she was putting the marriage on the back burner. Common, there is no way her terms are acceptable. It's past tine to show her you are no ones fool and to call her out. Don't be afraid to loose her. At this point she is already out if marriage, you need to play hard ball and show her what she is loosing, and by doing everything you can to kill the affair through exposure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Yeah bud. She basically told you that she will continue the affair but keep you around as a roommate because it is convenient for her. How is that looking for you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

cnpchris2 said:


> The worst thing about it is she can talk to him to make her feel better, but she is my best friend and now I don't have anyone to talk to about what is going on. I love her so much and have told her that I want her and will do anything to help her fall in love with me again.
> 
> I don't know what to do. My heart is broken.


I'm sorry for your pain...actions always have consequences...and there is always a reason for them...

no use trying to dissect what happened first, when... just the "why" is all that counts..

with your sexting affair, of course non emotional... doesn't mean it doesn't hurt the other spouse, you being less than enhusiastic about regaining employment... speaks to a person, be it man or woman on either side of the situation that you are not ambitious,.. if you are not ambitious for yourself... you aren't going to be ambitious about anyone else. The respect value for a person plummets when it seems one is being lazy...

So.. she's pissed... and resentment has to get sorted through...and that takes time and space.

She talks to the OM,,, cuz you aint there for her emotionally.. you want that back.. you prove yourself to her... that you feel YOU are worthy for her attention. Confidence is oh so sexy on both sides of the coin! You show her your amazing self.. it will definately pique her interest!

So... you can either fight for her by showing your brilliant, sexy, intelligent, ambitious whole being... she did marry you and loves you for a reason, you gotta re-ignite that!

Or you can demand for her to end the friendship, and either she will grovel back to you (would you ever respect a groveling spouse??) or she will get even more pissed and tell you to f$%k off and deal with worse results than co-habitation. 

She needs to hear from you openly, honestly in love, how you feel... and so does she... its all about communication.

Its all about how you know and understand her deep core personality and how best approach a solution.. this is where a MC is an awesome resource!!


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## Voiceofreason (Mar 6, 2011)

If she has not already washed her panties from her trip, you can find out if she slept with him by having them tested....


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

There are red flags all over the place in that this want PA. 
I suggest you stop tolorating this by asking her to leave. Do this will let her know you are serious and that until she can commit to not contacting OM she is not welcome b/c you will not share her.

The big thing here is you have this unconditional love for her you have empowered her to continue. This kind of love is unhealthy and the only way out of this mess is to give her the perseption that you are confident in moving on with out her and you will succeed no matter what.

Until you show this confidence and can commit to moving on with out her she will continue, but if you can show some tough love and show her the reality of what it will be like when you are no long around by distancing your self she will continue to hurt you.

You may find it a little less painfull when you do stand up and empower your self by excepting that if she continue you will move on.

You are forgeting the power that you have. She has told you that she wants to stay married to you, so let her know that in order for the marriage to continue then there will be No book , no contact with OM and there will MC...

So please stop begging for your marriage, show some confidence, and prepare your self to be move on with out her.

She will kost likely label you as controlling, you are not, you can not control her, she has the choice to stay married to you and respect the marriage or she can leave to be on her own. Her choice.

With out this tough love approach, she has it made and will never stop this unhealthy behavior. Sure she is happy but you are not. If you want to be happy you first have to do things for your self. Again you can't control her so stop trying to make her happy by sitting by while she sleeps with OM. You can control what you do, so stop tolorating her BS by showing the strenght that you can move on.


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