# Sexless, losing hope



## Jay2013 (May 12, 2013)

Here, a long-time lurker is forced to present herself... hello everyone and thank you for reading my post 

I'm 29 and in a stable relationship with my boyfriend, in whom I have found the love of my life  though not married (so technically not legally member of this forum  but I hope it doesn't matters, our problems are real), we've been together for over 2,5 years now. We've always from the beginning shared that special bed chemistry and passion. He's physically very attractive (frankly, the most handsome partner I've ever had) and a charm to be around, a great person and above all a very generous, skilled lover who knows how and makes sure to please his lady, so the problem is absolutely not the quality of our sex: I always get what I need, the trouble is that lately, I seem to need and want no sex. Over the past months, I have been very stressed out and it resulted in a more or less dead libido, and he himself made a few mistakes (pushing, emotional blackmail and manipulation to get his sex) that broke my trust and damaged our relationship further... and now it's to the point of growing unhappiness, uncertainty and frustration on his side and unhappiness, irritation and frustration on mine. I'm afraid it might eventually destroy our relationship  but unfortunately, I don't see how to break this cycle where it seems he only chases after me and thinks about how to seduce, lure, manipulate or cry me into sex, as if my only value is in being a piece of flesh with a pair of tits and a suitable ****. Please don't get me wrong - I KNOW this is not how he sees me at all; I know men need sex (among other reasons) as an affirmation of the feelings you still have for each other. And I still love him very much and am very much in love with him, and would love to feel the need to manifest my love in the way he instinctively understand the best... I just do'n want sex very often right now. I want to want it, but somehow, I just don't. The females of this board probably understand my side of the story, the utter frustration of being the low-libido partner. With my boyfriend, I've learned to love sex, but nowadays, when we finally do get busy, it just does nothing for me... I still climax easily several times, but beside the purely bodily reaction, I don't feel anything... as if I was anesthetized.

(Or, alternatively, worse: feel used)

There seem to be days spent only by my trying to avoid his endless grabbing (sometimes, I just grow tired of his hands on me all the time, even in non-sexual way... just don't touch me, dammit!), having sex, or fighting about sex... it makes me exhausted and hopeless, just as much as he is, I guess. Also, (the amount of) sex is literally the only thing in our relationship we seem unable to find a consensus about: we have had and solved our fair share of issues, but this damned sex  keeps coming back.

Needless to say, we have tried a lot of different things, but none of them seem to really help in the long run. It always boils down to my conclusion 'who the hell are you trying to kid, you still feel nothing, just.don't.want.sex.period'. It scares me, actually... what is wrong with me?!?

So please, if anyone has an idea of how to 'get my juices flowing' again, please please share.

A desperate lover


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Couple thoughts come to mind.

What birth control are you using?

How would you describe general affection at this point in the relationship and how is that different, or not from before?

How often do you think about sex, dress for sex, prepare for sex? Are you conditioning yourself to avoid sex or are you actively seeking to turn on your libido? Do you ever watch porn or read smutty stories?

How have you been feeling in general? Can't rule out possible medical issues so don't by pass an appointment with your PCP.

I'm not sure I understand this difference you talk about when you say when you do have sex, you climax and enjoy it, but it's not the same? I don't get what you're saying here?


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## Jay2013 (May 12, 2013)

Tnaks for the quick reply 

No birthcontrol, he's had a vasectomy.

We are very affectionate and intimate with each other, even more so than in the beginning, to be honest, because I've always had trust and self-image issues so as I've grown more comfortable around him with the time, I've learned to (dare) show my affection for him more openly and in a more physical way. Though I'm more the indirect kind, a little touch here, come sit on his lap for a while, and he's a horrible cuddle-bear  just can't get enough, it seems he would be glued to me 24/7 and perfectly in his element. Which sometimes gives friction, of course: with the current state of our sex life, his affections tend to lean to 'the one goal' while I shy away from it until it feels like he's literally chasing after me. In turn - gives him the feeling of rejection. yadda yadda. But generally speaking, we are highly affectionate.

I think of sex quite often (certainly more than in any other relationship I've ever had), though I have to admit lately with our issues, it's been more because he forces me to think about it, and it's not in a good way. If it was up to me, I probably would have periods of droughts when I don't think about if at all - priorities are different and I don't need it, whereas he does. I am actively trying... honestly, I am. I miss enjoying sex, I want it back. In this respect, our relationship has been an eye-opener for me: he is the man who taught me this body can give something else than pain and loathing, so our lovemaking has during the peak always been a very... transcendental... experience. All that part is missing now; is't mechanical en physical because he wants it, but my desire is gone. I am in love with him, have not fallen out of it. I've analyzed this very well. It's not that I don't want sex with him - if I can imagine sex with anyone at all, it would be him - I just don't seem to want sex. Honestly, I couldn't care less if we had no sex at all... I crave a different kind of intimacy. That is what has changed... he can turn me on physically with the right touch and technique, get me to climax even and yes, of course that is a good feeling - but it does nothing to me psychologically. It doesn't feel as making love, just ****ing. Mindless, meaningless because I don't feel the connection... just another chore. Tragic that I don't feel anything, really. 

As I said, it's been a very stressful year, up and down, but I've hit my stride again some 2 months back... sadly, no real improvement in the sex life department. Just as there haven't been in the previous better periods during the year. I've been monitored by my dr because of other chronic health issues.


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## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

Jay2013 said:


> Tnaks for the quick reply
> 
> No birthcontrol, he's had a vasectomy.
> 
> ...


The numbness and lack of want for affection is a sign of depression. Possibly some hormonal changes, as well. 

Like me, your husband is feeling affection starved. He is probably from a more affectionate family and affection communicates to him that things are okay between him and you. If he feels rejection, it will simply make him want to be more affectionate because things don't feel okay. If he keeps feeling rejection his only option is to either give up (which isn't really an option because it means he is okay with just being rejected and allowing things to not be okay) or become even more clingy.

In my situation, my wife doesn't need much affection at all. I do. I'm from an affectionate family and it means a lot to me. It was how we communicated that things were okay between us. The time when my wife was most affectionate with me was when we had sex. So I came to associate sex with also the time when she communicated things were okay between us and that she was "with" me and "into" me. I craved more sex than I normally would have because I needed the affection component of it more than I needed the actual sexual component.

My wife thought the same thing you did, which was totally wrong. She actually started withholding affection from me throughout the day because she felt it was a turn on for me and since she is lower drive than I am, she didn't want it to lead to more sex. This totally backfired for obvious reasons. I felt like she was not okay with me, which moved me to seek more affection from her. She backed away and I felt rejected. In a panic, I then tried to even be more affectionate, which in turn was a total turn-off for her. She didn't want sex nor affection at that point. What that communicated to me was that she was not okay with our relationship, that she didn't love me nor care about me at all, and she wanted nothing to do with me. 

By withholding affection, she was starving me of what I needed to feel close to her in that non-sexual, intimate kind of way. It wasn't at all that affection was simply my road to sex and sex was simply my goal. Rather, I craved sex because at least I could feel some affection from her during that time -- and maybe in that affection I could sense that she is okay with me and that we are still a team -- that she loves me and still has some desire for closeness with me.

What your husband doesn't realize is what his actions are communicating to you. But you also aren't realizing at all why he is doing what he is doing. You are making the same mistake my wife made. You actually think that your husband wants affection simply to get you into the sack. Your poor husband is stuck like I was. He has no idea what to do. All he feels he can do is continue to do all he can to please you so that you will accept him. His attempts are making you want to reject him, which he feels like a slap to the face. And all he knows to do is try harder to please you (which keeps the crazy cycle going!). 

He loves you too much to back off and give up. His worst fear is that he will simply coexist with you with virtually no affection or sexual intimacy. That is my worst fear with my wife - that we would just do life coexisting in a non-passionate, cold, emotionless marriage without any real connection, intimacy and (to top it all off) without any sex. That would, to me, be the worst marriage anyone could ever have. No romance, no feelings of connection, no intimate moments, no sex, no no no.

How do you break the cycle? Not by withholding affection, that is for darn sure! Try this. Try giving him more affection without the dark thinking behind it that it is only going to turn him on and lead to sex. Instead, tell him with touch that you are proud of him. Tell him through touch (and verbally) that he is okay and that he doesn't need to worry -- that you really think you are on the same team and you respect him. Put him at ease. Come up behind him and run your fingers through his hair or give him a neck massage. Not in a sexual way, but just in a reassuring way. He needs to know you are okay with him, and this will actually calm him down and make him less clingy.

Of course, this might lead to the bedroom because he will be feeling incredibly connected to you if you do this. Don't panic. Just go with it, because it is like someone who is really thirsty suddenly getting a huge bucket of cool water. His affection anxiety will suddenly been quenched and it will free him up to actually not have a bunch of anxiety about sex, too. He is worried about you not being into all his efforts sexually. He is worried that you don't care about him, love him, respect him, etc. You need to calm those worries. You have the power to do that. Instead of focusing on yourself and how you hate all of the stuff he is doing, focus on calming your husband's worries. Take all of that stress off of him. He is super stressed and anxious. He can't think straight because he is starving -- and starving people don't think straight. They do desperate things. They steal and try to manipulate. They do whatever they can because they are desperate. 

Lighten it up for him. Use affection as a connection to show him you do care for him and you are on the same team. And when it comes to sex, reassure him by doing some pleasing on him that he is okay and that you enjoy seeing him pleased. You might not be that into it right now, but that isn't the goal. The goal is to get your husband to unwind and get out of his desperation cycle. It is to reassure him. He is feeling very insecure right now. I know that is a turn-off. Insecure, desperate men are not at all a turn on. But your goal is to get him past that. You actually have the power to do this, to get him out of his funk -- and it would probably be quite empowering for you to do this and see the results! 

What will happen? He will gain confidence. He will not be as clingy. He will feel like things are okay between you and will want to improve in other areas of his life because he will not be so utterly obsessed with the state of his relationship with you. He is obsessed right now and he can barely focus his energy on anything else. It is like a fire burning in the room that he needs to put out or everything else will burn up. He will drop romance, hard work, drive to succeed -- everything just to try to put that fire out!

Help him put it out and allow him to focus on other aspects of his life with you together. Only when this happens will some of your own needs be met, too. You have the power to help him and yourself in the process by helping him to become a better, more secure and confident man. I hear from other ladies that it is much more fun to have sex with a man like that!


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## Jay2013 (May 12, 2013)

First of all, thank you so much for your reply! I see I haven't explained myself clearly (understandable, this is such a complicated and painful matter), so to clarify: I don't withhold affection at all - not even sexual affection - I never did. I just don't CRAVE sex anymore/at the moment, and his seeming lack of willingness to give me some space is ruining my love for him, which in turn would ruin the relationship. Then of course, he feels my lack of enthusiasm and it translates as lack of love/desire for him (which I understand), and yes, makes him uncertain, rejected, unloved... all the things I would never wish him to feel. Then it makes me desperate and worthless, seeing how I fail to make happy the one person I love... and obviously, sex is an important part of a healthy relationship and I miss the joy of it, therefore I'm seeking help. 

I'm very sorry for the difficulties you and your wife had to deal with, but please don't estimate my views are the same. I am very affectionate with him and show him my love for him through touch, cuddling, and other nonsexual kinds of intimacy, but it just doesn't seem to come across, it is not enough when he sees I don't desire him sexually the way I used to. I know how it works for him, and I never thought he THINKS I'm just a ****able object - the trouble is that he makes me FEEL that way with his constant chase and pressure, and I can't really change that. It is a vicious circle indeed as you describe: shying away leads to alarm (are we still ok?) leads to more chase leads to more shying away leads to more pressure and affection turning ever more sexual leads to downright panic and FEELING the only thing everything's about is sex. I KNOW he loves me, and I know he needs the sexual affection as a way of confirming we're ok, and showing his love for me. I know how important this part of the relationship is for a man, because of the way he feels for me. I see that I cannot convey that I still love him more than anything, when on a subconscious level, the message he reads is 'something's wrong' when I don't want sex as often anymore and seldom enjoy it. 

I guess the trouble is that it's been going on for too long now, and I've really become very wary and defensive about the whole thing... (I am in that vicious circle, too). It's one thing to have sex when you don't really want it, but completely other when you feel emotionally blackmailed or abused and manipulated into it. It is as if you're being raped - and doing it to yourself. You get damaged, and the relationship gets damaged as well. As I said before, he has made his fair share of mistakes that have damaged my trust and enjoyment of sexual affection with him. I think combined with the fact that I myself don't need SEXUAL affection to feel the connection, at least at the moment, and all the other stress factors from outside of our relationship, I kind of ran away from the issue. Thank you for the wake up call  I've always been the one to work via positive motivation instead of repression (the positive spiral), so I'll try to just suck it up  with renewed vigor... and hope for the best. I've been trying to do just that, but don't seem to break the circle... we still have sex relatively often (which is probably the reason why it's me posting this thread and not him  - sorry, couldn't let that one pass) so it doesn't show directly, but things are just not right on the inside. Feeling there is no other option than to comply with his extraordinary needs in order to avoid drama/pain/worse does damage over time and is not a happy place for me and our relationship to be. 

I love this man very much, and I know he loves me, we want both equally desperately to make it work but indeed, it's hard not to lose the view of the forest for all the trees when you're standing right in the middle of it.

I wish you the best of luck and strength with your wife.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

He's doing something that is turning you off.

Even though he is handsome, charming, sex used to be good, you have been together for a long time, he has turned you off.

Now, your man needs and craves you sexually in a way that you as a woman cannot understand.

But the bottom line is two things need to happen. He has to start acting differently so you don't feel he is using you for sex and you also have internalize the concept of gaining your own personal fulfillment through giving.

Now, marriages have a way of forcing couples to work this issue out and you are not marriage.

Whereas a dating relationship has a different purpose, which is to determine if this is the man you want to marry. After 2.5 years, with no kids and you are experiencing this issue so early, I would say you should move on.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Just one observation / comment.

As you are in a long term relationship with a man who has had a vasectomy does this mean that you have accepted that you will never have children?

If not this could be a subconscious trigger for distancing yourself from sex, your partner could be picking up on this without even knowing it. Even at 29 you could just be hearing your body clock ticking a bit louder than before.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

While hes not around try to think if sex everyday. Masturbate often. Use toys if you have them. Put some real work time into thoughts and feeling of sex and it will come back to you. Even watch some porn if need be. Think of it like going to the sex gym.


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## Jay2013 (May 12, 2013)

Ok, that sounds fair (two things to happen), thanks 



Hicks said:


> Now, marriages have a way of forcing couples to work this issue out and you are not marriage.
> 
> Whereas a dating relationship has a different purpose, which is to determine if this is the man you want to marry. After 2.5 years, with no kids and you are experiencing this issue so early, I would say you should move on.


We're both childfree and I have never wanted children, so my estimation is kids won't be an aspect in my possible decision to leave in the future (means for me, there is no pressure to leave to find the right man, marry, start a family, yadda yadda). I'd like to see that it is the relationship with this man that we can make work  I won't flee at the first sign of trouble, married or not. He is the love of my life. 

(No, not my first, yes, I have experience relationship-wise, no, not as naive as I sound  and yes, 100% sure it's worth the effort)


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

What two things? Read romantic novels.


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## Jay2013 (May 12, 2013)

Wiltshireman said:


> Just one observation / comment.
> 
> As you are in a long term relationship with a man who has had a vasectomy does this mean that you have accepted that you will never have children?
> 
> If not this could be a subconscious trigger for distancing yourself from sex, your partner could be picking up on this without even knowing it. Even at 29 you could just be hearing your body clock ticking a bit louder than before.


Thanks  but don't worry, that is absolutely no reason to distance myself from sex, quite the opposite, actually: it is the reason why I was able to let go of the subconscious fear of getting pregnant first, then learning to enjoy sex itself. I have never wanted children and have my very strong rational arguments why better not do it, so eliminating the risk to begin with is all the better for me. I can't use hormonal contraception, which made it always the more difficult to relax when it came to sex.


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## Jay2013 (May 12, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> What two things? Read romantic novels.





Hicks said:


> But the bottom line is two things need to happen. He has to start acting differently so you don't feel he is using you for sex and you also have internalize the concept of gaining your own personal fulfillment through giving.


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## Jay2013 (May 12, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> While hes not around try to think if sex everyday. Masturbate often. Use toys if you have them. Put some real work time into thoughts and feeling of sex and it will come back to you. Even watch some porn if need be. Think of it like going to the sex gym.


Thanks for the advice  I know it should work... works... that way, but how long should it take to see the results ?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Please don't wait on him to act differently. You cannot control other people's actions. Take control of your actions and his will follow. Wait on him and you will be here in 6 months saying the same things.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

My wife saw results in 3-4 weeks. But i was also running the MAP on her without her knowledge.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Wow this is very complex set of issues!

That "transcendental" climax has disappeared and missing that makes sex feel mechanical and obligatory. Is it safe to assume that in the beginning, when sex was transcendental, it was always transcendental? Can you go back and remember the first few times when that transcendental experience became a tad illusive?

I hate to sound like and old fart here, but having been married for 28 years I can unequivocally state that relationships go through ups and downs and it is hopelessly unrealistic to expect that each sexual, or even most, encounters will deliver that transcendental connection. I equate that type of feeling as being associated with the new romance high feeling and it is natural and normal for that to slow down, then pick back up, then slow down, then pick back up...

Is it possible that as this high began to ebb, you felt it and resented its absence? Is it possible that the resentment is fueling your lack of desire?

The other piece of this puzzle might be that you felt used. That his needs continue to be met by you, but your need to feel that romantic high has gone unmet? So how can you get that need met? While you are in the midst of this crushing cycle of meeting his needs, reassuring him through physical touch, accepting his physical touch becomes little more than a chore since you continue to mourn the loss of the new love transcendental high sex once brought, how can you separate you unmet need from resentment?

I would ask this, do you honestly think it is realistic to have the new love high throughout your life?

If what Ive been saying strikes a chord with you, it seems that your relationship is going through the settling phase. A time period all long term relationships go through, yes every single one! Here is where the rubber meets the road. Here is where you both find out what your made of because here is where relationships continue to find ways to stay together, or they end. End and then the pattern begins again with a new love that will also settle.


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## Jay2013 (May 12, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> Please don't wait on him to act differently. You cannot control other people's actions. Take control of your actions and his will follow. Wait on him and you will be here in 6 months saying the same things.


Which is exactly why I'm here  

I know you can't wait for someone else to change. Most likely, they won't anyway, but you can always work on yourself, change your views. I want this relationship to work, so I'm trying 1. to understand how he/man works as a sexual being and 2. seek advice and tips as to what can I myself do to get myself back to where I was wanting and enjoying physical intimacy as well.

Thanks for the estimation, I'll get myself to the sex gym  would you care to explain what you mean by 'MAP'? Newbie...


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Anon is right, there are ups and downs. I've been married 20 years and have had plenty. But don't let that deter you if you want to put your work in to fix things faster. As far as him wanting your just for sex remember that's your prospective and you can change that.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

MAP is the Male Action Plan to better myself to become a higher sex rank. (Work out, make more money, alpha traits) become the man i was before marriage. To make my wife want me more sexually. You know 1-10. Sounds like you man is a 9 or so. He may not need to MAP.


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## Jay2013 (May 12, 2013)

I hear no old fart, Anon Pink  just a very realistic person with first-hand experience. I'm realistic enough to know the passion will go up and down... it's very much under the influence of the life that might intervene, which is precisely what happened here. I landed in the middle of a very stressful and difficult period bordering on depressed and sex was the last thing on my mind > he didn't respond by backing off a little but demanded the same (for me as the low-libido partner insane, and given my state of mind AND physical shape back then, impossible, really) frequency of sex > I have assertiveness and saying no issues, so I basically pushed myself just as hard as he pushed me in order to avoid worse (big big big mistake number one) > it basically broke me. I started to refuse more often, which he was not used to and wasn't prepared for > he responded a few times in a very wrong manner that damaged my trust and enjoyment of sex (big big big mistake number two) and from there on, we're kind of hanging mid-air. He's stopped forcing me, but obviously the longer it takes, the more sex-starved he is... and the more often we fight about sex, and I feel the pressure again, and lose even the slight interest in sex I have sometimes... then we talk it out, confirm we still love each other and want to make it work, I feel more loved and respected, there is a little window for me to get my sex drive up. Slowly it climbs, too slow apparently, because he gets impatient, the way he touches me becomes more sexual, I feel pressured, shy away... downward spiral 

I'm not, well not entirely  a hippie flower-child. Of course our sex was not always that highly spiritual experience, I wouldn't expect or need it to. I think our problem is more the broken trust than anything else. I feel he has never given me enough time to 'recover' from that, and that for me to desire sex with him again, that is the first thing that I need to do. 

I see I need to give more explanation. The situation really is complicated. We have a long-distance relationship, live 3.5 hours travel apart. Generally, we've been seeing each other about every 1.5-2.5 weeks, mostly for about 5-7 days at a time. In practice, it means we live together for about the half of every month. Of course it contributes greatly to the sex-starvation aspect... he IS sex starved after two weeks of not seeing me even when everything goes well, but I am not so much... never had been (it works different for a woman), and when I'm stressed out and overworked on top of it, the sex just naturally shuts off. We've had plans to move in with each other for a few months and finally, we've found a suitable apartment so I'm moving at the end of this month. My hope is that it should help with the issue, because we will finally be able to find our rhythm without the need to literally cram 3 weeks in 5 days of time, but the again, it brings a whole new set of worries and uncertainties. I'd like to be a step ahead and just... get working on this problem. We have been through the acceptance-stage already and settled the big question  so I think that's not the issue.

I thank you very much for your reply  it has given me a lot of food for thought, especially the bit on running around him to ensure his needs are met... I am aware of the problem and am working on it, but... yonno


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## Jay2013 (May 12, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> MAP is the Male Action Plan to better myself to become a higher sex rank. (Work out, make more money, alpha traits) become the man i was before marriage. To make my wife want me more sexually. You know 1-10. Sounds like you man is a 9 or so. He may not need to MAP.


Thanks for the clarification. And way to go, you :smthumbup:

He's excellent in the looks/shape department. See, this is really strange. Now that he's not here and I know there's no risk of sex, I can feel the butterflies in my stomach just thinking of him as he comes out of the shower in the morning with just the pants on and his beautiful sixpacked torso... honestly, most of the time, I feel the desire when I think of him. It's only that when he's actually here and we can have sex, it shuts down. 

Make more money is a problem but hopefully solution should be nearby. Remains a worry, though, especially because I'n not entirely financially independent and the relationship with my parents who have been helping me out has recently crashed and burned, so I have a lot of anxiety regarding financial security.

(Very prominent) alpha traits were not what I fell for in the first place, but I understand. He is every bit the same man he was when I met him, and I'm still smitten with him.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Like I said he may not need to MAP. But you need to go to the sex gym...ASAP.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Jay2013 said:


> I can feel the butterflies in my stomach just thinking of him as he comes out of the shower in the morning with just the pants on and his beautiful sixpacked torso... honestly, most of the time, I feel the desire when I think of him. It's *only that when he's actually here and we can have sex, it shuts down. *


AHA!!!!!

Thats your link. Explore that more. Be detailed and specific. How does it shut down? an you feel it leave or do you simply recognize it's no longer there? is there anxiety associated? is there resentment disguised as tension or agitation?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This is a gift! You've found out, before marriage, that you're not sexually compatible. If you get married, neither of you will be happy over the long run. It's time to move on. If he doesn't have the guts to do it, then you should do it yourself. For his own good.


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## Jay2013 (May 12, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> AHA!!!!!
> 
> Thats your link. Explore that more. Be detailed and specific. How does it shut down? an you feel it leave or do you simply recognize it's no longer there? is there anxiety associated? is there resentment disguised as tension or agitation?


Yes! I know  I had that eureka-moment of revelation right when I posted that message, have been thinking about it ever since and I think I know how to tackle this. We've talked about it yesterday evening and it seems we have a strategy, so I'm crossing my fingers. 



WorkingOnMe said:


> This is a gift! You've found out, before marriage, that you're not sexually compatible. If you get married, neither of you will be happy over the long run. It's time to move on. If he doesn't have the guts to do it, then you should do it yourself. For his own good.


Can only sexually compatible people make a relationship work? How do you quantify capability; where is the line between 'too little' and 'enough'? 

No two people are absolutely 100% compatible. You'll have to learn to work around the differences, or take off for someone else. Or is sexual compatibility so drastically different than other possible differences you discover and have to deal with as you go? If the other person is worth it, I think you shouldn't give up what you have too easily... and he's worth it. I've never met anyone as compatible with me as he is, and I refuse to run at the first sight of a challenge... thank you for the insight, undoubtedly you know what you talk about and yes, I know this is a major problem and it won't be easy, but frankly, I won't give up the man who I'm convinced is the love of my life 'just' because of 'stupid' sex. Call me foolish or downright stupid, but I need to know I've done all I could - we'we done all we could - before I give it up. The more that I am convinced it was for the major part a very unlucky chain of coincidences and a few poor judgement calls from the both of us that got us into it. We know better now and we'we always learned from our past mistakes, so I do have the faith we can resolve is.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sorry, I've seen how this story ends. Eventually sexless, bitter, resentful.


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## Jay2013 (May 12, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Picture just an ordinary guy walking out of the shower - not hot, just ordinary - with just a towel wrapped around him but otherwise being your current BF as a person.
> 
> Still feel those butterflies?


Yes I do. Of curse I do! Part of the great attraction/compatibility between us is the fact that I admire and love him for the person he is in the first place. I fell in love with him for his charming and playful personality, then came to truly love him when I discovered how caring, loyal and intelligent he was. Honestly, his personality is probably the thing that makes him so attractive to me, much more so than his physique. 

I kind of figured, 2.5 years together = probably not just a fling of a schoolgirl smitten with mr. Handsome (but then again, of course, you can't know me). Physical attraction is a part of libido and just like the birthcontrol check, one of the first things that come to mind with libido loss - has he gotten out of shape since you've been together? Which is why I mentioned it several times. No, I have not stopped desiring him because he's no longer physically attractive to me. But absolutely no to basing our relationship on the physical attraction only . I love HIM, want HIM. If it was just the looks, I would have packed it long ago, because the acceptance-stage of a relationship is no walk in a park. While he's handsome, he's not the only handsome man in the world... but just one man is him


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## LB (May 16, 2013)

Hi, I know I am joining this topic a bit late but just want to say a big thank-you to eyuop, I am 100% with you, you could have been writing about me and my hubby. :iagree: It was a real eye opener to see things from the the other side even though I do actual know how he feels deep down, sometimes a person just doesn't take the time to think about how the other person is feeling as you are so wrapped up in your own feelings that you end up in a vicious negative cycle. Thanks again. I popped my hubby a message after I read your post saying how sorry I am for being so grumpy and a b%$ch and that I will definately be trying harder. :smthumbup:


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