# She cut me some slack...go figure



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I'm a happy cat. I got to see my kids tonight. Custody is strange, it's sort of like taking my kids on a date. We go places, eat food, and then big smoochies at the end.

She actually let me pick them up at the house, and came out and spoke to me. TRO be damned. She was adamant about knowing when I'd be back with the kids. Who knows, maybe she had a date as well. I could honestly care less. "Sorry, for stretching that thing all out for you guy." "Sort of like making love with a warm sleeping bag." "I'm sorry." "My bad."

From our conversation today, it sounds as if she's willing to let me have partial custody every weekend. This is awesome. I could see by the look on her face that she is finding my absence a whole lot harder than she'd originally figured. Well in my defense, I did try to tell her. 

Here's an interesting development. My sophomore/sax player/piano player/clarinet player wants to study the martial arts with me. He says he's "a little tired of music"... and "wants to train with his Dad." 

I'm torn on this one. I realize what he's really saying is he wants to spend time with me. I can also tell he is harboring a great deal of anger over this divorce. It's not directed at me, but that is of little consolation. I'm sure that's the other reason why ex-wifey is lightening up on the TRO...damage control. 

A bi-product of our unhappy union, was that my son has seen me channel a lot of negative energy into my martial arts training. I've discussed it with him on an occasion or two hen he asked, and explained to him the difference between destructive and constructive coping methods. I guess he wants to be constructive. Good for him.

On the downside, if I say yes and he drops his music, my soon to be ex-wife will likely look at this as a threat. I don't think it'll be too much of a leap for her to think that I'm trying to get him into Annapolis or something. Actually, I did suggest it once, the kid is brilliant and a natural leader, and what a sh*t-storm that touched off. 

Anyway, I'm sure that'd she'd use that to curtail my exposure to the kids. So, I guess for now the answer will be no. Still, some serious training would help him tremendously as a young man, and I honestly think it would go a great way in balancing him as a person. Here's the hard question for any honest parent...Whose needs come first; his needs or my needs? 

LIL


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

your kids needs always come first in my opinion but that is just me


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

So you'd teach him then and risk loosing your access to the other kids? I'm just not ready to risk it.

LIL


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

LIL,

I understand your dilemma. You want to give your son something he truly wants and would definitely gain from, but are afraid your stbx wife would prevent you from seeing your children any further, or at least limit your visitation with them. I am not sure why it would be a threat, though. Is it the idea of teaching him violence, or is it the idea of him spending even more time with you than she wants him to? Anyway, I agree that martial arts is a good thing. I even tried to get my youngest step-daughter interested at one point in time, but I couldn't get her interested in anything other than dancing like some ghetto-sl*t. She was a follower, not a leader.

From what I remember, your stbx wife cares very much about what other people think of her. You may be able to convince her to be the one to decide he should train in martial arts with you. You could probably guide her in the direction that her son and others would view her as a good parent, or something. Maybe just say something like "Our son mentioned that he would like to train in martial arts with me. I figure it might be alright with you, because you're a good parent and always want what best for your children.", or something like that. Forgive me if my suggestion of what you could say to her is lame, as I am not very good at this sort of this thing, but my husband was very good at it. He called it "planting seeds." Orinarily, I would never suggest that anyone use manipulation, and that is what this is, but in your case your wife has been playing an unfair game of hardball with you. Maybe, just a little manipulation to make things go in favor of your son's needs is not a bad thing. Hell, this time manipulation, or "planting seeds," will be used for good rather than evil.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

crisis 1008, in her mind there isn't a difference between capability and capacity. For instance I have a great physical capability for violence, but an extraordinarily limited capacity to apply it. To me that is the creed of a true man. To her it's still a threat.

I know that didn't make a great deal of sense, so let's contrast that to a typical gang banger. He is not well trained or disciplined. He has little to no moral constraints, ergo he has a great capacity for violence. 

However, because he is unskilled his capability for violence is greatly limited. That is why 4 year old get accidently shot while sleeping in their beds by stray bullets. My wife is unable to differentiate between the two. I am not.

I used to playfully argu with my wife that she is equipped to be a prostitute, and yet she is not. To me it is a parallel argument. To her it is not. She does not understand the idea of humility, or constrained power. I am a sheep dog and not a wolf. 

I am honestly a lot happier without my wife. This has been my greatest surprise. I am not dating nor will I until I am released from the marriage, but she doesn't share my sense of honor. That is fine though, I do what I do because it protects me. 

In time she will learn this lesson too. I just suspect that it will just be a little more painful for her to aquire this wisdom then it was for me. This is fine as well, provided she eventually learns. I really can't help her much now. She will have to swim back to shore by herself.

I am trying to operate in good faith, which is difficult given her treatment of me thus far. However, a little suffering and a court hearing is a small price to pay if it helps me guide my kids along a better path. 

We are pretty much polar opposites of each other. When we met, I was in the military and she was a "free spirit" in college. I am even more "hardened" then I was then, and she is even more "permissive" then she was then. It is like we have returned to our base states +50. Yet another thing I don't understand about life. 

Anyway, I will tread lightly for the moment with the intention of "inserting" my son into a training with me sometime this summer after his older brother leaves for the Army. I really think it's best that I "boil this frog" slowly.

LIL


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