# Side-job money



## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

My wife and I have a long-standing disagreement on side-money. I do really well with my day job; we aren’t struggling and have average bills like most folks. We commingle our paychecks (she does the bills as she’s much better at it). 

Occasionally on my free time I’ll do some side work, on average maybe 3-5 thousand worth a year, but small amounts at a time. She really gets upset with me because I see this as my money to do with, as I like. The truth is she has talents and could do the same but chooses not to (completely up to her). A lot of times I’ll use the money to pay off something that’s irritating me or use it to further the side-career I’m working on. She recently implied she might leave if I didn’t hand over the extra money, which I thought was totally out of line. I told her I’d rather just stop doing the side work. Anyway, that’s where we’re at. I’m just curious as to other people’s thoughts, ideas, strategies, etc.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I dunno, that it your money. Do with it like you want. But if she insists, then stoop as you stated, Why do something if there is nothing in it for you. Especially if she could do the same her self. In my marriage, my ex was super talented and could have had far more money than she made working for some one else. But she refused to do. She always thought getting a "paycheck" was more important than making money. Her loss, she could have enjoyed a wonderful life. Now she works 60-70 hours a week to make ends meet, Oh well at least she get a paycheck every week.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

She's wrong. And wrong to threaten to leave over this. Tell her ok. 

That said, is it worth going to war over this? Why not put it aside for a vacation for both of you. Then use the regular money to buy what you need to further the side career. 

If you are paying off something then that already makes it commingled money. She is complaining you are paying off debt?

Btw, what does she want to do with the money? Maybe she just wants you to listen to her ideas.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

MarriedDude said:


> I was taught when I was very young...that every man must have some money "on the street", like side jobs, that are self financed that make money that no one needs to know about. Taking what you earn and continuing to turn it, building on your little side pile.
> 
> What you are doing is not unusual at all, it would be more unusual if you didn't do this.
> 
> why do you think your wife would make such a serious threat? Over something that sounds trivial....what else is going on?


I'm not sure what the threat is for. I agree it is a fairly trivial thing. But, it's also a principle and ultimately investing this money will lead to more and likely another career. I think she just wants control but honestly, she has control over our account and pays bills as she sees fit.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> She's wrong. And wrong to threaten to leave over this. Tell her ok.
> 
> That said, is it worth going to war over this? Why not put it aside for a vacation for both of you. Then use the regular money to buy what you need to further the side career.
> 
> ...


I think she's complaining because she doesn't have a say in it. Honestly she could do the same and I wouldn't have any issue with her doing with any extra money as she wanted. It's a mystery to me. Worth going to war? No, but she occasionally likes to play brinkmanship.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Threats to leave over this is I think a bit of an over reaction and not respectful of the marriage. However your insisting upon keeping all of the money when she disagrees is not respectful to he marriage either. The way you arrange your finances assumes that the product of either is for both combined. Your wife probably assumed this is was agreed when the finances were set up. You should work to find a compromise on this because without one your marriage will begin to split into hers/mine along with the household chores which she is doing more than you since she is paying the bills. She's working more and you are getting the benefit of the extra money.

In my marriage this would not be tolerated. We are in for a marriage of equality not every spouse for themselves.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

meson said:


> Threats to leave over this is I think a bit of an over reaction and not respectful of the marriage. However your insisting upon keeping all of the money when she disagrees is not respectful to he marriage either. The way you arrange your finances assumes that the product of either is for both combined. Your wife probably assumed this is was agreed when the finances were set up. You should work to find a compromise on this because without one your marriage will begin to split into hers/mine along with the household chores which she is doing more than you since she is paying the bills. She's working more and you are getting the benefit of the extra money.
> 
> In my marriage this would not be tolerated. We are in for a marriage of equality not every spouse for themselves.


I work a day job with a respectable salary, all of which is put into our joint account which she uses to pay bills. This isn't an indication of work-load by any stretch. I'd guess I do more actual work than she does which is irrelevant to me. I also make over twice what she does which is again, irrelevant to me (I mention only for reference) The side jobs I do are on my own time using resources I gain from previous side work. The extra I see as mine. It's completely voluntary, I wouldn't have to do this work at all. By the same token, she is more than capable of doing additional work on her own time in her field (if she made money doing that, I wouldn't care what she did with it) If that clarifies - I may not have been clear.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@FlaviusMaximus--you say that you already make enough money. Have you considered that this isn't actually about the money for her?

You don't NEED to work these extra hours, but you are, and in doing so, you're taking away time from her (and your family, if you have kids). And that money isn't going towards the family or towards shared financial goals, so not only is she (And the family) being set aside for unnecessary labor, she feels like she is being further shut out by you when you don't allow her a say in what happens with that money. So you're taking away time from her, AND your taking away her feeling of equality in the relationship.

As you say, yes, she could do the same as you and do a side gig or two and make some extra scratch. But I would venture a guess that she wouldn't do that, because in her mind, she would be taking away even more time from you and your relationship.

How much time do the two of you spend together, really focused on one another? Do you have regular date nights? Spend time alone together without the kids, that isn't dedicated to chores or the like?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Quit the side work, or let her leave. Your choice. You can just spend the communal money as you wish, and no doubt she'll do the same.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> I work a day job with a respectable salary, all of which is put into our joint account which she uses to pay bills. This isn't an indication of work-load by any stretch. I'd guess I do more actual work than she does which is irrelevant to me. I also make over twice what she does which is again, irrelevant to me (I mention only for reference) The side jobs I do are on my own time using resources I gain from previous side work. The extra I see as mine. It's completely voluntary, I wouldn't have to do this work at all. By the same token, she is more than capable of doing additional work on her own time in her field (if she made money doing that, I wouldn't care what she did with it) If that clarifies - I may not have been clear.


Well, I personally don't believe in having separate finances in marriage. But her threatening to leave if you don't turn over the money is a real head-scratcher. Pretty extreme, considering you guys are comfortable financially. Is there a back story here?

What does she want to use the extra money for?


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> @FlaviusMaximus--you say that you already make enough money. Have you considered that this isn't actually about the money for her?
> 
> You don't NEED to work these extra hours, but you are, and in doing so, you're taking away time from her (and your family, if you have kids). And that money isn't going towards the family or towards shared financial goals, so not only is she (And the family) being set aside for unnecessary labor, she feels like she is being further shut out by you when you don't allow her a say in what happens with that money. So you're taking away time from her, AND your taking away her feeling of equality in the relationship.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the reply - it's thoughtful. We have kids, they are grown (although two still live with us) and she works a fair amount of hours (by choice) so I don't believe the issue is hours away from the family. I really wish I had more time with her, certainly the side work isn't more important than that. My comment on her taking some side work is only to illustrate that she can if the extra money is the issue with her.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

BioFury said:


> Well, I personally don't believe in having separate finances in marriage. But her threatening to leave if you don't turn over the money is a real head-scratcher. Pretty extreme, considering you guys are comfortable financially. Is there a back story here?
> 
> What does she want to use the extra money for?


It's a good question, I'm not sure what or if there is a backstory. The amount we are talking about is fairly insignificant compared to my regular income which is, as I said, put into the bank for her to sort out as she sees fit (I am admittedly not the best administrator of bills). We've never had separate finances as far as are salaries go. But if I do some extra work in my free time, I consider that separate.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> It's a good question, I'm not sure what or if there is a backstory. The amount we are talking about is fairly insignificant compared to my regular income which is, as I said, put into the bank for her to sort out as she sees fit (I am admittedly not the best administrator of bills). We've never had separate finances as far as are salaries go. But if I do some extra work in my free time, I consider that separate.


I would recommend sitting down with her, and asking her to share what her desire is for this extra money. What dream of hers is driving her to pursue this? It's kinda obvious it isn't just the money, so there is some other reason. Ask her to share that with you.

And how long has this been going on? How, specifically, have you responded to her attempts to get these funds in the past?

To be frank, you guys seem pretty disconnected. Your wife is threatening to leave over this, and you don't even know why she wants the money?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Would you say that your wife is controlling, or is this an isolated thing?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your wife complain about the time you spend on your side work?


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

BioFury said:


> I would recommend sitting down with her, and asking her to share what her desire is for this extra money. What dream of hers is driving her to pursue this extra bit of money? It's kinda obvious it isn't just the money, so there is some other reason. Ask her to share that with you.
> 
> And how long has this been going on? How, specifically, have you responded to her attempts to get the money in the past?
> 
> To be frank, you guys seem pretty disconnected. Your wife is threatening to leave over this, and you don't even know why she wants the money?


I agree it isn't just the money. It may not be the money at all. We are a bit disconnected, and a conversation would be a good first step.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Does your wife complain about the time you spend on your side work?


No, she never has. She works a lot of hours (her choice) I think mainly to fill up time. She does deal with depression. Most of the time, the great majority of time I spend on my side work is when she is at work. There really isn't any conflict there I am aware of.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does she get money to spend on herself?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Side jobs, much like my football officiating, is the money of the person who goes out and procures it!

With absolutely no equivocation!*


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Thanks for the reply - it's thoughtful. We have kids, they are grown (although two still live with us) and she works a fair amount of hours (by choice) so I don't believe the issue is hours away from the family. I really wish I had more time with her, certainly the side work isn't more important than that. My comment on her taking some side work is only to illustrate that she can if the extra money is the issue with her.





FlaviusMaximus said:


> I agree it isn't just the money. It may not be the money at all. We are a bit disconnected, and a conversation would be a good first step.


It sounds like the two of you really need to talk about this. There's disagreement about the money issue, you're saying that you wish you had more time with her, and you're also saying that the two of you are disconnected. It does seem pretty extreme that she would threaten to leave over a few thousand dollars a year, when you are already financially comfortable. I really do think that the money complaint is a surrogate complaint for something else.

How long have your kids been grown? Some couples feel that they've lost their connection over the years while they were focused on raising the kids, but you can find it again.

I would suggest that you maybe take that extra cash and set it aside for now, rather than spending it. Focus on re-connecting with your wife. You might want to do some MC--you guys aren't really communicating, and MC could really help with that, and help you get to the root of what's really bothering her. And then maybe you can take that extra cash from your side gig, and you could take her on a trip or do something romantic. Invest it in your relationship.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

I agree, you should seriously consider going to counseling together.

Equally as important, you should purchase and read these books:

1. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work - John Gottman
2. His Needs, Her Needs - Willard Harley
3. Love Busters - Willard Harley


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

BioFury said:


> I agree, you should seriously consider going to counseling together.
> 
> Equally as important, you should purchase and read these books:
> 
> ...


I agree with the book suggestions, especially His Needs Her Needs.

I think you two are at a place where there is work to be done, and repairs to make, but you haven't yet reached the point of no return. You want to fix the problems before they become unfixable.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What are her top needs in life? Do you meet them? 

What are the things that bother her the most? Do you continue to do them?

You would know this stuff once you read His Needs Her Needs.

In it, you'll also learn that you can rarely stay in love with each other (which, of course, includes wanting the other person to be happy; i.e., letting the other person spend his own money or, conversely, wanting to spend that money on his spouse) unless you are spending at least 10 hours a week together with the electronics off, not doing chores, basically DATING. Not necessarily dates, more like having a cup of coffee together; doing a jigsaw puzzle together for a few minutes every few days; going for walks and just talking; going to a car show or a craft show...dating. Are you?


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Money is the root of all evil. It's a fact. It's a necessary evil, but it is. The reason I say that is because it's not about the money, but about why. This money means nothing to your family (assuming that's true), then why does it bother her? Is she a control freak? Maybe. But does that make sense? Does it makes sense that she needs to be in control regardless of what's going on and if not, she leaves?

What sort of money do you spend out of the normal bank account? Anything on stuff you like to do? I think the issue isn't about the money, it's that she feels that things may be hidden on her. I disagree with separate accounts and side job money is your own when one person can not account for any of the spending. Maybe you are going to tittie bars or spending it on smack. Maybe you gamble. Maybe it's on a girlfriend. My point is that while none of this may be true, any of it can be true. Most people feel insecure. It's a natural thing. Hell, when you feel secure, that's when **** tends to hit the fan. She probably doesn't like not knowing what you may or may not be spending the money on. I can understand that completely and it's a little obtuse for you to not.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Does she get money to spend on herself?


I didn't see OP answer this and that was my question.

When the "regular" paychecks are combined and the bills paid off, does she have money she can spend on herself? If not then it's an unfair situation in the marriage. Yes she could get a side job. I assume you would still expect clean clothes, a clean house, kids kept in line and food on the table, right? Does she get an allowance for doing those things? Probably not.

But if there is money left over in the weekly/monthly budget, why not make sure she has some to spend?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Chris Taylor said:


> I didn't see OP answer this and that was my question.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




He already said he does more of the housework than her. She works to fill up the time, which implies there is money left over. She handles all the finances too.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I bet it has nothing to do with the time gone for the side work but more about how he spends the money. Since the wife handles the finances she probably sees practical ways that extra money could be used for the benefit of the family, and it bothers her he considers it HIS money instead of family money. 

Or another thought...is it possible your wife is ticked off because you aren't making enough side money to help with the bills but are always willing to do side jobs for pocket money? My point being she sees you work just enough side jobs so you have your spending cash, but if you worked more side jobs that would be more money to go into the family budget. I know you said you are doing OK financially but maybe your wife sees the opportunity to be doing better, she sees your limited side jobs as you being selfish and only wanting to work enough for personal spending money, she's thinking you should be working more side jobs to put your family in the comfort zone financially. 

Just some thoughts.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The wife may be working extra hours to ensure she retains the job. Older workers can fear being let go because of ageism.

The problem as I see it is your attitude about the money. It's MINE! A conversation about how this money would be spent needed to be had at the beginning of the side ventures. Now, it is a sore spot with her. How does she know you're not using it finance a divorce, gambling, drugs, or spoil some tart? How you're using the money is important.


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

I would say that's your money. It would be different if your side projects affected her negatively (like e.g. she had to watch the kids while you were off doing the side projects) - but if you are doing it in your spare time and all other joint work is done, joint bills are paid - it's yours. 

To me it sounds like a control issue.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Just a thought: You said she was much better at paying bills which (I assume?) means she's got a better financial head than you. Some people may earn more than their partner, but that doesn't necessarily mean they're better at spending, investing, etc.

I think 1 of 2 things is going on:

1. She doesn't like HOW you're spending "your" money.
First of all, I don't think that this is your money. It sounds like you combine everything else so as a wife I'd find it pretty strange if you were suddenly territorial over extra cash. If you always had separate finances (or some separate finances) it wouldn't concern me, but I find your desire to keep this all to yourself... Curious. I wonder if she does, too? Can you really blame her for not being happy under this circumstance? 
Second of all, what exactly are you spending this extra money on? Tool? Booze? Food? Toys? There's a possibility she just thinks there's a smarter/better way for you to be spending it. Maybe she doesn't even want it for herself, but she'd rather you spend it in some more "productive" way. I'm not saying her way is the right way, but maybe she sees this extra 4k/year as vacation money... Or financing a new car, etc. My husband could spend money on dinners, clothes, toys, etc. whereas I'd rather upgrade the car or go to Europe. Have you considered trading off who gets to make the final decision as to how that money is spent each year? This could be a glorious compromise. Every other year we switch off on our tax return and money from his side job! (He does roofing, builds decks, etc.) Whose ever turn it is gets the final vote as to what it's spend on. Last year my husband bought a snowblower (we don't even have a driveway as of yet... It's a shared lot we don't even shovel, lol), but this year it's my turn and we're going to Paris. 
I think you should ask her how she'd like it spent, just to see where her head is at and if you can come to a compromise.

2. She feels lazy, inferior and not as ambitious in comparison.
It doesn't sound like you spend too much time on these side jobs so I don't think it's an issue of not spending enough time together. (Unless you're choosing to work on your anniversary, lol.)
I admit, my husband's side jobs can make me feel lazy. He doesn't do if often, same style as you, but it makes me WANT to contribute more. I feel like if he's going to be spending Saturdays working I should, too. He just re did my mother's entire basement and I just sat there thinking I wish I could help. (I tired to hammer one floorboard in and cracked it so was immediately whisked away, lol.) I talked to my husband about this and he told me if I want to get a side job for myself he'd support it. It hasn't happened yet, but when we buy our home in the next year or so, we've agreed that I'm to have an entire room devoted to a small business. Nothing crazy, but I'd like to sell products I personally believe in/use (Scentsy, Cruelty-Free products - especially cleaning products... Those are littered with animal testing) hair extensions, etc. I'm also a certified Nail Technician so I'd like to do nails on the side at my convenience. I do my own nails weekly so having a space devoted to this isn't even wasteful if I don't bank a lot of money.) The idea of it has made me feel more equal. More worthy. Maybe it's silly, but I just wanted to contribute.

That's just my input! Update us. Hope everything works out, .


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> She recently implied she might leave if I didn’t hand over the extra money


My thought is that this statement quoted above is the only thing that matters at this time. 

It's like saying "how do I fix this hangnail" oh and by the way I've got an elephant standing on my foot but I'll deal with that another time.

There are some big problems here and it's not the money from the side job and how you spend it.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> My wife and I have a long-standing disagreement on side-money. I do really well with my day job; we aren’t struggling and have average bills like most folks. We commingle our paychecks (she does the bills as she’s much better at it).
> 
> Occasionally on my free time I’ll do some side work, on average maybe 3-5 thousand worth a year, but small amounts at a time. She really gets upset with me because I see this as my money to do with, as I like. The truth is she has talents and could do the same but chooses not to (completely up to her). A lot of times I’ll use the money to pay off something that’s irritating me or use it to further the side-career I’m working on. She recently implied she might leave if I didn’t hand over the extra money, which I thought was totally out of line. I told her I’d rather just stop doing the side work. Anyway, that’s where we’re at. I’m just curious as to other people’s thoughts, ideas, strategies, etc.


The way it would work for my marriage - and a previous SO relationship - since the side job removes me from my spouse but is interesting to me, SHE is the one who is giving something up. Therefore, it seems completely reasonable for me to hand the bucks over to her - hopefully she'll use it to hire some contractors or whatever to do work she is presently doing, thus freeing up time for us to be together more.


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

FeministInPink said:


> @FlaviusMaximus--you say that you already make enough money. Have you considered that this isn't actually about the money for her?
> 
> You don't NEED to work these extra hours, but you are, and in doing so, you're taking away time from her (and your family, if you have kids). And that money isn't going towards the family or towards shared financial goals, so not only is she (And the family) being set aside for unnecessary labor, she feels like she is being further shut out by you when you don't allow her a say in what happens with that money. So you're taking away time from her, AND your taking away her feeling of equality in the relationship.
> 
> ...


This is the issue! My husband also works side jobs to bring in extra money that we do not need to pay bills. The money often goes to buy "fun" stuff that we wouldn't purchase otherwise. My husband gets excited when he knows he has a job that might bring a couple thousand in and we will discuss what to do with it...put some in savings, I get a new purse, he gets some hunting gear, kids get a new game or something. It's something we look forward to. If he took that time away from us AND also took the money for himself I would feel disrespected.

I would suggest you talking about your side jobs with your wife, letting her know what you expect to make and asking her ideas on what to do with the money. If you need to purchase equipment for the side job (as my husband has to do) just tell her...I need to purchase a new -whatever- with the money from this job but the next job we will have some extra money.


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