# Trying to save the marriage...



## jimbowaits (Oct 21, 2015)

So I'll jump right in. I'm 37, wife will turn 40 s00n. We met about six years ago. Her second marriage, my first. I have health issues. I was in a vehicular accident so a really bad spine and suffer from pain through the whole back as well as chronic debilitating migraines. This was disclosed to her on the second date, so nothing was hidden. Nonetheless, she was very supportive. We go married in 2012, and during the last three years, I've had very bad pain, been to the ER nearly a half a dozen times, and at doctor offices nearly every two weeks. In addition, I lost a parent and cousin. Due to the management of pain, changing of meds (pain management - non-narc), and dealing with the loss of my parent, it was a hard year and a half. The time we originally planned on trying for a kid. Because of the medical issues (meds and such - may effect sperm), managing the affairs of my remaining parent, etc. this was put off until she was around 39, or about 11 months ago. Everything was back to normal, sperm was checked, a-ok. I tried every month to ask to try, first few months, we tried (twice a month for her is a lot. She doesn't seem to like intimacy. Wish I was told this before marriage. She claims she's never in the mood anymore). Then, all of a sudden she didn't want to try. I would still try and ask, but be turned down. We've not had intercourse since early Summer if you can believe. Earlier in the week she went to a OBGYN to discuss her options for becoming prego. Came back blaming me that it's my fault she has to put her body through this. She was perfectly fine two years ago to start trying, but I used my two deaths in the family and my medical issues as a convenient excuse not to try. I said... Seriously... I planned the timing of two of my family members to pass away. One from stroke, the other from alzheimers. I planned to be admitted to the ER and docs. Try all these meds to control pain and try to live a normal life. Seriously? She said, no, but it's just convenient that it all happened during that time frame. I said what about the last year I've been trying to get you to try? She said, it was too late already. She says now if she wants to continue, she has to put her body through this because of me. I said, we can get eggs or a surrogate. She went nuts and stormed out of the room. I do not know what to do. We're seeing a therapist. It's slow going. The therapist seems more concerned about how I am doing managing my medical issues and me than us as a couple. 

I really do not know what to do. I feel our connection has left the building several months ago. We're just roommates, not husband and wife. She disagrees. I feel hatred and resentment from her. I do not want to divorce her, but I think it is coming down the line. 

I am at a loss. I feel I am all alone in life. I do not have a partner. I have a roommate that is depressed, upset with her choices in life and I cannot fix this.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm sorry you are going through all this bull shyt.
I wish I had a magic switch to make it all better but I have to say that she may be not up to the task of continuing a commitment with you.

With that said and the fact that we all know we can't control others...were do you stand on just letting her go?

I mean you can't force this! 

She sounds checked out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm a big confused... is she now saying that she cannot get pregnant? If that's so, she probably had the same problem a year ago.


I see a few things going on.

One is that living with a person who is always ill is very hard. I know that there is not a lot you can do about your back. But I'm sure it's been hard on your wife as well. Sometimes life is just not fair.

It sounds like she is just lashing out, blaming your for her own infertility. Would she agree to go to individual counseling to help her handle all this? Maybe with that she can get to a place where she is not blaming you.

Are you on disability? Or do you have a job?

Does she work?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

One thing I do suggest is it might be time to focus on your issues, let this chick go and once you get in a better place go find a new one.

Again...I just don't think the old lady you have now will stick around while you work on your self...and lets face it, we all know as individuals, we need to be at our best so we can share our best with another.

In short...work on your self and let your old lady come along and reap the rewards down the road or just let her go and find another chick that will reap the rewards once you focus on you to be in a better place.

Again the chick you have now...I don't think she will stick around and wait!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

And one more thing....don't beg and cry for this relationship. Chicks dig confident guys, so the last thing your old lady wants to see is some guy she once loved being pitifull.....the best thing you can show her now is you will get through this with or with out her.


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## jimbowaits (Oct 21, 2015)

Still love her. I feel guilty on the baby issue. I've offered to take from my medical fund and help with the In Vitro. I do work (she moved into my apt and I pay most of the bills), I just deal with the pain. Been on a variety of different meds. She says that the meds in the past have made me moody at times. Then, when I go into a room with lights off and no sounds, until the pain episode passes, that's wrong too. We're seeing counselling once a week. I was told I need to let her in for my medical issues. She complains that she finds out after the fact. Well, I cannot tell her unless I know first. So, I am not sure how she can learn about it at the same time. Again, the doc. spends a lot of time on me, my medical issues, etc. Every time I divert it back to my wife, she circles back to me. So, I am not sure what to do here. Even my wife said the doc is more concerned about me that us. Not sure how to take that.

Her fertility, at least she and her doc says, is due because of her age. I offered to go with her, she declined. Since last Thanksgiving I was after her for TTC, but after a few months, she gave up on that too. This year, we've been intimate 6 times. Even she doesn't think that is normal, but she doesn't know what to do on that either.

I've stated several times to her about the need for intimacy and a strong connection. She's better then for a day or two, then goes back to a cold distance.


I really do not want to let her go. I love the woman. However, if things do not improve, I will. I really do not want to though. Just two years ago, it was a very strong relationship. Just over time, it's gone down hill.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You are in a plane crash here...put your O2 mask on first and then help the ones you love.

I get you love your wife but from what you posted...its clear she doesn't feel the same anymore.

Love is a two way street and from were I'm sitting you are the only one here that gives a shyt about a marriage ....

You can't control her...I...we don't have a magic button to change that.

At the very least you can show her that you have enough self respect to no longer tolerate being in a unhealthy marriage.

For what it's worth maybe you can show her you don't need her pity but her honesty so the both of you can let go?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm curious....has your wife offered any solution to the current situation as to saving the marriage.


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

Why in the hell would you want to have a kid. You two do not get along, you have serious health problems
please don't bring an innocent child into this mess. 
I suggest you both get a dog and split ways .....


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## jimbowaits (Oct 21, 2015)

the guy said:


> I'm curious....has your wife offered any solution to the current situation as to saving the marriage.


She feels the counselor will help. I am not too sure about that I told her. This is something in her head that she needs to come to terms with. There were no surprises here. Everything was told out in the open. She then said it wasn't only her. Her goal is to fix the relationship and move forward with everything. She admitted that her parents and friends have said she's been distant and cold for the last six to eight months. That's pretty close to when things changed. The relationship was going well until that time when her work stress become very hard. She works about 8 - 10 hours a day (with driving time). 



intheory said:


> I agree with the therapist. You are dealing with a lot physically. And emotionally; you have lost two family members recently.
> 
> I think to have children; the relationship should be in a good, healthy place. Doesn't sound like what's going on here.
> 
> ...


I do not like to give up on things unless there is no hope or choice. She was there for me in my worst times of need. For me to just leave without giving it a shot of reconciliation would not be right to her, to me or us. Our relationship was all that I could ask for up until late last year. Then things turned. I know a lot of her friends became prego and the stress from her work was very very high. She has no outlet for stress. She watches TV until she falls asleep and then goes to work the next morning. She's not getting good sleep. She feels her life is a failure without a child. She feels she made too many concessions in this relationship. The three were moving into my place (I own, she rented). Due to this, she now has an hour commute (temp. the road work will be completed in about a year. This was told to her before her move). She's farther away from her family and friends (25 miles). She put off to have a baby for me. I said, on the first issue, I asked you several times are you sure you will be able to handle the move. She said yes, it is not a problem. I need to do this for the relationship. For the baby, there is nothing I could have done to prevent the issues from happening. I am not G-d. I cannot prevent people from passing away from natural causes. I had to be there to consul my remaining parent who was lost on how to live and what to do. I had not control on my ongoing medical problems. These were all told to you years in advance. She said, yes, but I didn't think it would prevent me from having a baby. I said, why didn't you have a baby with your first hubby? She wasn't happy about that I went there. I said, you know my situation, if that was more important, you had options at that time. I offered to freeze the eggs, you waited on that, etc. I wasn't trying to make her feel bad, but I could only do what I could do.

I do not want to be the cause of someone's life being ruined. I get that we are living like roommates now (she doesn't see this), but I just wanted to go back to when everything was good and we were both happy. Right now, neither of us are. I do not want to jump the gun and do something foolish. Then again, I would not have a baby unless the relationship improves. It's kinda like a catch-22. There is no way to win at both.


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## jimbowaits (Oct 21, 2015)

intheory said:


> Counseling probably can't hurt.
> 
> Your wife may need professional help in order to come to terms with the fact that she may be childless, ultimately.
> 
> Is adoption an option?


Yep, she feels counseling will help. Some days she's a pleasure to be around, others, it's not. If she/we end up childless, I am not sure this partnership will work out. She's stated this several times.

I've offered up adoption, she looked at me like I had two heads...


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## boltam (Oct 14, 2015)

Hard to believe that two people who get along so poorly that at least one of them is considering divorce would consider bringing a child into the middle of their mess.

Then again nothing surprises me anymore.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why can't your wife go to your doctor appointments with you?


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## jimbowaits (Oct 21, 2015)

boltam said:


> Hard to believe that two people who get along so poorly that at least one of them is considering divorce would consider bringing a child into the middle of their mess.
> 
> Then again nothing surprises me anymore.


Wasn't always this way. Believe it or not we were on the same page and got along like rice and beans. Life/work stress seemed to have turned up a lot for her, as well as personal pressures which changed her. I am not saying I am a saint, I am sure, just like many people, we all have our ups and downs. However, over the past six months mostly down days with a few great up days in between. 



turnera said:


> Why can't your wife go to your doctor appointments with you?


She works 10 - 12 hours a day (with commuting time). She's started to also work a lot of overtime shifts more recently. Says she receives overtime pay. Since she's in the medical field, she's amazing warm compassionate and caring with her patients. Me, not so much. For years, yes. But it seems she couldn't care less. Actually it seems her family (siblings, mom, dad, cousins) care more about me then they do. She shows me the text where they are all asking how I am doing. She doesn't seem to like that. It seems to get on her nerves. I've also offered to go with her to her OBGYN doc meets, but she denies allowing me to go. Her body, her decisions. 



intheory said:


> Unless you guys think that you can civilly discuss these issues, and work out a solution together; you need a counselor. Sort of like a referee; someone who directs the conversations and keeps the discussion within bounds, so to speak.
> 
> I agree with turnera, why can't your wife go with you to some of your medical appointments, so she can see first hand what you go through; and what the doctor advises.
> 
> I hope you got some kind of financial settlement from the vehicular accident that left you with the bad spine and back. Back issues are difficult to live with.


We're seeing a counselor once a week. No break through's thus far. Please also note, I offered to see a counselor back in March, she said she was shocked. Then said no, it's too expensive. I said I would cover it, she brushed it aside. Her parents then recommended she speak to someone, then she went alone. I offered to go, at first she said no, then I said yes, then dropped the counselor. I found a new counselor, and we're now both going. 

I know the issues. She's childless, blames me for this, even though I've spent nearly a year trying to chase her to "try". During my morning period of family loss and medical flare ups, I offered to pay for freezing her eggs. She wanted to clean my sperm, but we never moved forward with that. I offered anything and everything to try and get her what she/we want in this relationship. Nothing works. She's also unhappy she's far from family and friends, not happy with her life, depressed, and unhappy at work. I am trying to be supportive as possible, but it is getting hard. I just try and remember the times when she/we were happy and hope it's going to get back to that point. However, I realize there is a very real possibility this will not happen and one of us will file for divorce. This is my last ditch effort to try and save this relationship. I do not like failure or giving up.. I made a commitment for better or worse, and I love the woman deeply. However, I cannot stay in a relationship that I receive nothing in return. I know I deserve better than that. I feel I have a bit of Nice Guy Syndrome. 

Didn't get much from the accident. I receive a lot of injections for the pain since I cannot tolerate the hard meds. Injections are partially covered, doc admin not usually. About half my income goes to my medical issues. Yes, I disclosed this to her as well when we first met. I do not take nor ask for any financial assistance for my medical bills from her.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

jimbowaits said:


> We're just roommates, not husband and wife. She disagrees. I feel hatred and resentment from her. I do not want to divorce her, but I think it is coming down the line.
> 
> I am at a loss. I feel I am all alone in life. I do not have a partner. I have a roommate that is depressed, upset with her choices in life and I cannot fix this.


Please shelf the idea of having children right now. This is NOT a healthy relationship in which to bring a child.

Honestly, you two do not sound very compatible... you haven't had sex since the beginning of summer, and before that it was only twice a month.

You should seriously consider parting ways.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

When people are trying to have babies, they usually "try" several times a week for a couple of weeks each month, before and after estimated ovulation day. Once a month on her part is not "trying." It is no wonder that the fertility window was missed every time. Don't take responsibility for her part, since you were wanting to be intimate.

However, that is all water under the bridge. My advice would be to not try having any children with her, and let her go. You are only 37, you will be fertile for the rest of your life.

Find another woman who is not selfish, and have a happy life and family with her. When you start your family with another woman you will both be grateful that you had no children from this marriage to keep you connected to this woman.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think the real issue here - no offense - is that she married someone she doesn't consider a complete man. It sucks to say it, but subconsciously, women pick a mate who will provide for them, protect them, ACHIEVE things, and my guess is that she feels she got a bum deal, what with your accident. 

Many people THINK they will love through sickness and health but when it comes down to it, that's not really what she wanted. She wanted a 'complete' man who she could live a great life with, make lots of money with and never have to worry about bills, and as sick as it sounds, sometimes women will simply not be able to respect a man who is handicapped.

All the things you describe her doing and saying reflect that attitude. You should be bringing THAT up in therapy.


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## jimbowaits (Oct 21, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Please shelf the idea of having children right now. This is NOT a healthy relationship in which to bring a child.
> 
> Honestly, you two do not sound very compatible... you haven't had sex since the beginning of summer, and before that it was only twice a month.
> 
> You should seriously consider parting ways.


I am considering it. She's not too keen on it. 



IMFarAboveRubies said:


> When people are trying to have babies, they usually "try" several times a week for a couple of weeks each month, before and after estimated ovulation day. Once a month on her part is not "trying." It is no wonder that the fertility window was missed every time. Don't take responsibility for her part, since you were wanting to be intimate.
> 
> However, that is all water under the bridge. My advice would be to not try having any children with her, and let her go. You are only 37, you will be fertile for the rest of your life.
> 
> Find another woman who is not selfish, and have a happy life and family with her. When you start your family with another woman you will both be grateful that you had no children from this marriage to keep you connected to this woman.


I've stated this to her multiple times. I just do not think she likes sex or intimacy. She had issues down there during dating, and I helped with everything and anything I could. Thought I was being a good good boyfriend. You know, sticking by your partner through thick and thin. Others told me why stay. I said a relationship is being there for the other person when there up and when their down. When I bring that up, that was "so long ago". It was only four years ago. I guess that doesn't count.



turnera said:


> I think the real issue here - no offense - is that she married someone she doesn't consider a complete man. It sucks to say it, but subconsciously, women pick a mate who will provide for them, protect them, ACHIEVE things, and my guess is that she feels she got a bum deal, what with your accident.
> 
> Many people THINK they will love through sickness and health but when it comes down to it, that's not really what she wanted. She wanted a 'complete' man who she could live a great life with, make lots of money with and never have to worry about bills, and as sick as it sounds, sometimes women will simply not be able to respect a man who is handicapped.
> 
> All the things you describe her doing and saying reflect that attitude. You should be bringing THAT up in therapy.



She thinks she's pretty independent. It rare she let's me help her with any of her own bills. Though, I pay most of the other ones and all of the big ones. She does contribute some money each month. Maybe she doesn't like it that she makes more money than me (doesn't bother me). Maybe she thought things would be financially easier when she moved into my place. I can do what I can do. I never showed myself as a rich person or a man with means. Actually, since I had massive medical bills (no debt) since we started dating, this shouldn't of been a surprise. We have a session on Monday. I will bring it up. I am sure it should be an interesting reaction. She's usually very calm cool and collected with the therapist. 




intheory said:


> You're not responsible for her working 10-12 hour days. You're not responsible for the nature of her work commute. In fact, she is choosing to work OT, and add to her own stress and tiredness.
> 
> The fact that it bothers her, that her own family shows interest and concern about your wellbeing; is a real eyebrow raiser. Which may tie in with turnera's post. I know it's horrid. But many people really have no intention of staying through thick and thin, richer and poorer, sickness and in health. They just repeat that stuff on the wedding day; without giving it much consideration.
> 
> ...


She blames me for the commute because she sacrificed by moving into my place. By her mind, she did me and us a favor by moving in. She was doing it for the relationship.

I know her family likes me. However, if given the option again, I do not think she would take me again. In fact, I think she thought I was just good enough to settle down with and get married. It's okay she doesn't want to be included with my medical issues. However, then don't tell me that I do not give you enough information about them. I do not blame her for her thinking (if that is what she's thinking), but it is what it is. Funny how life throws us curve balls every now and then. I can honestly say that I've always tried to be the best boyfriend/fiancee/husband I could be to her. Am I under extreme pain when a 4 day migraine or spinal cord problem acts up. Yes. In response, all I do is go into a dark room by myself and wait for it to pass. There really isn't anything else I could do. I do ask her to lower the TV or her iPad music when I am going through this, but apparently I do not ask the correct way. And, of course, when she used to blast her iPad music at 6am in the morning when I am sleeping or fighting a medical outbreak, that is wrong too. Not sure.

I agree on the child raising with the night wakes, burping and diaper changing. You are right to say that a baby cannot make the relationship better. I know this. I guess, she just wants an child so bad, she'd have one with anyone I guess. She did say, during the time of my medical flare ups and parent passing, that she was considering a sperm donor. I said to her you do what you need to do. She never went through with it as we now know. I really do not know what she wants...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jimbowaits said:


> She thinks she's pretty independent. It rare she let's me help her with any of her own bills. Though, I pay most of the other ones and all of the big ones. She does contribute some money each month. Maybe she doesn't like it that she makes more money than me (doesn't bother me). Maybe she thought things would be financially easier when she moved into my place. I can do what I can do. I never showed myself as a rich person or a man with means. Actually, since I had massive medical bills (no debt) since we started dating, this shouldn't of been a surprise.


Not at all what I meant.

I meant that psychologically, subconsciously, deep in her bones, you don't measure up as a 'man' any more because of the accident. You could be a millionaire and it may not be enough to attract her. She may be daydreaming about some guy on a horse...

Of course, that's a ridiculous thing to do to you, since none of this is your fault, but it is what it is.

The only other way I've seen women react this way is when there's another problem going on and they've lost respect for the man or else she's detached from him because of an issue she has with him. What I mean is, these things don't just occur in a vacuum.


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## jimbowaits (Oct 21, 2015)

First off, thank you both again for your responses. Truth is, I really have no where /no one else to vent to. So I do appreciate it.



intheory said:


> As a nurse, she should be fully cognizant of the agony that spinal issues involve.
> 
> And I have found nurses to be some of the most unsympathetic, hard-baked people I have ever met. But they have to be. In order to function and meet the needs of patient after patient; they have to be matter-of-fact and businesslike.
> 
> ...


Believe me, at first, she was very attentive and supportive. Things started to change after she moved it. Granted, it was a bit harder for me, as this was the first time I lived with another person, but I've slowly adapted. It's still different, but trying to manage. However, as her work has gotten harder and she's been working on harder and more critically damaged patients, she'd become more desensitized. It's funny, she says in therapy that my blood family doesn't understand the pain and struggle that I have to go through every day, but here, she doesn't either at times it seems. Two weeks ago, at our session, she wanted the therapist if there is a way for me to better handle my pain and "mood". I then said, have you been in extreme pain for 15 + years? Do you know what it is like to deal with not being able to move, pain in the head so bad that your eyes are literally popping out due to the migraine that will not end for two days straight? She said no. I said I wish I could change everything, but I cannot. I'd sign a deal with the devil just to have a normal life. Then the therapist chimes in with my pain issues. We're actually now going back and forth with the spinal cord issue. I think (so does my wife) that he doesn't believe my on my spinal cord. I got very defensive and both of us where going back and forth. It was become real intense. I then said, would you like me to bring in my scans for you to review? Ironically, my wife chimed in and got in the middle. Stating she's reviewed the scans and the damage is pretty bad. There is no need for James to bring in the scans. It's true what he said.

Good stuff right. LOL.



turnera said:


> Not at all what I meant.
> 
> I meant that psychologically, subconsciously, deep in her bones, you don't measure up as a 'man' any more because of the accident. You could be a millionaire and it may not be enough to attract her. She may be daydreaming about some guy on a horse...
> 
> ...


I just think she's done. Checked out. And when the therapist asks, so if things do not change, your are out? She says yes. But, when we discussed at home, I said, since you say you want out, I think we should explore this. She then says, what. I'm not leaving or going anywhere. ??? I'm not confused.. I said, I want to work with you on this relationship and get to a better place. I'd do just about anything here. She then says, except for the last two years in having a baby with me. I said, I am sorry that my family deaths and my medical issues have got in the way of that. This was not my fault. This was told to you. You had the option to leave and just focus on yourself and your needs. You decided to stay. In addition, for the last year, I've nearly begged you to have intimacy and to start trying, you, each time declined. I even have an app that tells me the best times to try, she still declined. She went quiet. No response. Last Monday, was also a bit intense. At the end, I told the the therapist, since my wife was mute on the issue, that we live separate lives. No more connection. No more intimacy. It's a broken relationship. So, now we're having one met during the week for both of us and she (the therapist) is meeting with us one on one as well this upcoming week. She (the therapist) after hearing this, what do you two want me to do. James says one thing, you (wife) say another. Two different versions of the same issue. I then said, well, two different people, two different ways we look at the situation. If we were on the same page, we would not need your help in getting to a common ground. I also said, since you do not know what to do, are we hopeless. She said no. It's obvious both of you are trying to work on this, so there is hope. I am not too sure about that. If the lack of intimacy and connection continue, I will probably file. I do not want to, but, if there is no connection and no intimacy, there's no reason to be married. It will hurt, and I may be very upset due to the loss of my marriage, but it would be easier than being married to a woman who secretly is disgusted and resentful to me. I am still holding out hope we can right the ship though. It's really her who needs to decide what to do. I know the resentment is deep because of the medical issues and family issues which she believe caused her not to become prego during that 1.5 year timeframe when I was in bad shape.


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## jimbowaits (Oct 21, 2015)

intheory said:


> I'm glad you have the self-respect to be willing to end this relationship if you are treated poorly.
> 
> If your wife leaves you over the pregnancy/baby issue, I wonder what will happen if she can't get pregnant with a sperm bank or another guy; seems she will be in the same boat. Perhaps that's why she doesn't want to leave.
> 
> ...


You make a very good point. Maybe that is why she will not leave on her own, and that is why she has no interest in intimacy, but does have interest in IVF. She now thinks the lack of intimacy is due to the fact she admitted she's depressed about her life.

I've brought that up about her age at 38 as well. She said the docs said she was fine. Who knows. She won't let me see the doc with her. As of right now, any sort of baby making is off the table until we're able to fix OUR issues. If not, we're going to have to part ways. If we're able to make progress, I am all for that. However, like I told her, I think it is too late and she's already out of the relationship; she just doesn't want to admit it to herself as of yet. Crazy situation, that is for sure. The kicker is I am the one who feels guilty it seems.


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