# What am I doing?



## Cindy Lou Boo (Mar 19, 2021)

I met my husband when I was 22 years old, he was basically my first everything kiss, bf, serious relationship. Red flags started popping up a few months when we first got physically together but at that time I was young, naive and I kept putting up with it. Throughout our relationship I was never able to really trust him but I "kept" trying to make it work and of course we got married 5 years later. I really had my doubts when we got married but I just did not do anything about them. Thought now that we are married things will be great and 3 years into our marriage I find out that he was lying for 2 of those years. He got 2 credit cards one of which he told me was only for emergency and other one I did not know even about. Then he lied that they did not have any money on them and turns out together he had 12,000 on them. He then took out a loan to pay the credit cards all without my knowledge. At that time I was ready to leave him but we were about to move, everything was already done for the move and I chickened out besides I had never told anyone else about the lying and sexting and hanging out with other women so when I told my family about the financial stuff they said I should try to make it work. 

Through all this my self esteem has really suffered and lately I don't even recognize myself some days. I used to be a strong person and now I am just a shadow of my previous self. I have next to no self esteem and I gained some weight and honestly I mean I can't blame him completely. I been along for the ride and made these decisions. 

Yet we get along great and superficially things are fine, we do well. He knows me the best prob. We have fun together but there is no trust in our relationship. Until recently I spent a lot of time tracking and checking etc and then he lied about something stupid. I asked him about a bill and he said it was not due yet but it was over due and its like over something stupid and yet its like a switch has flipped. I am basically so over it. On top of that I found a credit care in his drawer when he has been telling me that both of his credit cards our in hour safe. 

On one hand I don't want to get a divorce, we get along great, I am in late 30's, and live in a small town and I would not even know how to date. I have only ever been with him. Now is when our careers are settled or I guess mine anyway and I thought by now we would be buying a house and maybe thinking of kids and its scary to think about not having him in my life. He has been part of pretty much all of my adult life. 

On the other hand its like I can't make myself really feel the love and even care I used to and I don't know how. I have also been kind of mean to him but mostly I can't bring myself to care. 

I basically don't know what to do or what am I doing or what I should do. Sorry for the novel. Any help will be appreciated.


----------



## Cindy Lou Boo (Mar 19, 2021)

Also I should add I don't know if it matters but I recently had a crush on this person at work and I never talked to the person and don't even know their name we work in completely different departments but I have-not really been attracted to another person like for the whole time we been together so this was a new thing for me.


----------



## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

If he is "hanging out with other women" and you have a crush on someone, why do you want to stay?


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

No kids, your career is on track, you’ve lost interest in a husband who’s been lying and cheating for years, AND there’s evidence you’re not dead yet (interest in co-worker).

Why again are you still married?


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Don’t allow yourself to become adulterous. Since you have no kids and are both young, you should just D with dignity. No need to monkey branch or have an exit affair. You will like what you see in the mirror more if you don’t allow yourself to become that type of woman.


----------



## Cindy Lou Boo (Mar 19, 2021)

So Married said:


> If he is "hanging out with other women" and you have a crush on someone, why do you want to stay?


well the women thing was a while ago when we first started dating. I don’t think he is doing it anymore. 


Casual Observer said:


> No kids, your career is on track, you’ve lost interest in a husband who’s been lying and cheating for years, AND there’s evidence you’re not dead yet (interest in co-worker).
> 
> Why again are you still married?


he said he never physically cheated. There was sexing incident and when he sent pictures to other women but it was a while back and at that time he said since there was no physical cheating I was over reacting and I believed him and thought could get over it but if I’m still thinking about it 5 years later




jsmart said:


> Don’t allow yourself to become adulterous. Since you have no kids and are both young, you should just D with dignity. No need to monkey branch or have an exit affair. You will like what you see in the mirror more if you don’t allow yourself to become that type of woman.


To be fair I don’t want this crush I had to take any affect into my decision. I’m not interested in dating that guy I just thought it weird that I had such intense attraction all physical to another person which I just have not had in a long time. 

i just know that grass is not greener on the other side. I don’t think he is doing the women thing anymore because he keeps saying look at where we live but it’s sad because i have not moved back home near my parents because I know we’ll have issues with him visiting his friends more often and then he used to lie about where he is going and what. He told me he was young and irresponsible and now he is in 30s and he is not like that anymore but it’s like since the whole bill situation it’s like my heart is like shut off from him or something. We are kinda separated in the same house. We are not sleeping in same bed and we are not physical and we used to spend time together but we are not doing that anymore.


----------



## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Cindy Lou Boo said:


> We are kinda separated in the same house. We are not sleeping in same bed and we are not physical and we used to spend time together but we are not doing that anymore.


It sounds like you're headed to formal separation and divorce. 

So given your other issues with depression and weight gain, I would do a hard 180. You already don't spend time together. So focus on you. Work out, prep healthy meals, maybe get your hair done, be involved in social gatherings, hobbies that make you happy, or volunteer. Be civil to him but no more. I would talk to a counselor. What is great is that you see some of the root causes like weight gain are a result of your choices BUT the cheating/sexting is all him. You are NOT responsible for his choices.

Try and fast forward the divorce if you can. Get a lawyer. Talk to them about what will happen to your husband's debt.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Maybe if you get a financial counselor & a marriage counselor and you BOTH work to keep this together it might work but from what you wrote this seems like your burying your head in the sand yet again 

Every single time you have seen a red flag in your relationship you ignore it. You keep going forward with this man & things keep getting worse. You are the only one who can change the direction of your life. You will do that when you are ready, hopefully. Otherwise this will eventually all blow up. He'll finally lose everything & destroy your credit too and one or both of you will cheat. Seems more simple & way less painful to just divorce now.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Rebuilding trust is hard, but when it was never there in the first place... I'm not sure if that's even possible. It certainly won't happen until he starts putting in an effort, which includes fixing his issues. He doesn't seem to want to do that so... nothing will change. 

All of the debt he's racking up, you may be responsible for 50% of it even if it's not in your name. This is something you NEED to talk to a lawyer about. The longer you stay with him the worse off you may be. 

Don't stay in a marriage just because the clock is ticking. All you're doing is wasting even more time or having kids destined to come from a broken home at some point. In a way, they'd be born into an already broken home. 

If you want, go talk to a fertility specialist and see where you stand. They can run tests and let you know if you should look into freezing eggs or embryos (with donor sperm) or not. Sometimes we don't have families the "ideal way" or how we imagined, and that's fine. 

As for finding another human attractive but having no desire to act on it, that's normal! We're human, we're going to notice other attractive humans. I wouldn't let that eat you up but if you're suddenly starting to notice other men, it could be a sign that you're also moving on.


----------



## Cindy Lou Boo (Mar 19, 2021)

bobert said:


> Rebuilding trust is hard, but when it was never there in the first place... I'm not sure if that's even possible. It certainly won't happen until he starts putting in an effort, which includes fixing his issues. He doesn't seem to want to do that so... nothing will change.
> 
> All of the debt he's racking up, you may be responsible for 50% of it even if it's not in your name. This is something you NEED to talk to a lawyer about. The longer you stay with him the worse off you may be.
> 
> ...


but what if I do get a divorce and it’s wrong decision. Right now to all my family and friends were are great. We barely fight, we get along great, he cooks and cleans and takes care of the house and our pets. He is nice to my parents and has helped them out in the past a lot. My family loves him (they don’t know anything about the sexing and the lying; they do know about the credit card and debt). I know he would be a much better dad then I would be a mom. He has a job when we first got together he wanted to go to school for this and that and he just wasted time and nothing came out of it and it was accumulating student loans and he was not even doing well in classes so my career took priority and I told him to stop wasting time and money unless he was serious so he stopped school. He takes me where ever I want to go on weekends. Often we would be watching TV and say or think the same thing. Our relationship would be great if we did not keep coming back to the trust issues over and over. I could learn to trust him if we could go few years without anything major but we have not. It’s like since we been together almost every year there is something or some lie and I guess after the whole bill situation and telling me that all his credit cards are in the safe when he had one in his desk. He keeps saying that it was a mistake. Maybe he did put it there by mistake and forgot about it? But then he did not take out agreement seriously. I know he did not because he promised to go to therapy and he only went 3 times, he promised to keep to this financial plan and put of first 8 months he did not the first 6 and he is still not doing it correctly.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Cindy Lou Boo said:


> but what if I do get a divorce and it’s wrong decision.


That's a risk we all have to take sometimes. What if you stay and it's the wrong decision? What if you leave and it was the best decision of your life? We don't get to know all the answers, unfortunately. Sometimes you just have to make the decision and be prepared to live with it. 



> Right now to all my family and friends were are great.


This really does not matter, at all. It's just an illusion because they don't know all of the problems that are going on. Plenty of people APPEAR to have a great relationship, but no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors. 

Do not stay in a marriage or relationship because your family thinks you should or because you don't want to disappoint or shock people. It's your life to live, and you only have one. 



> My family loves him (they don’t know anything about the sexing and the lying; they do know about the credit card and debt).


So tell them, and see if they still love him. 

Again, it doesn't matter if your family loves the illusion. It's not their life to live and at the end of the day, all they want is a happy daughter. Are you happy? 



> He has a job when we first got together he wanted to go to school for this and that and he just wasted time and nothing came out of it and it was accumulating student loans and he was not even doing well in classes so my career took priority and I told him to stop wasting time and money unless he was serious so he stopped school.


Was that supposed to be a good thing about him? You said all these good things he does (helping out, going out together, etc) and threw this in the middle, but that's not a point in his favor IMO. 

Something to keep in mind... No one is ALL good or ALL bad. Of course he is going to have some good qualities, but do those outweigh the bad? 



> Our relationship would be great if we did not keep coming back to the trust issues over and over. I could learn to trust him if we could go few years without anything major but we have not.


But that's the thing... these issues keep happening and he doesn't seem to want to change. Chances are he won't change until he is given a reason to. Right now he makes promises and doesn't keep them, and he KNOWS you will put up with it. So why would he bother changing? Change is hard and he knows he doesn't have to do it, because you put up with it. 

You need to put your foot down, set a time limit, and tell him in no uncertain terms that if things don't change you WILL divorce, and you HAVE to mean it and be prepared to follow through with it. He needs to understand the seriousness of it. 

If he jumps to action and gets into therapy, gets the debt and spending under control, etc., great but don't let your guard down. He needs to prove that he is making real changes, not faking for a month or three. Anyone can fake change for a few months. If he goes back to old ways, you walk. He cannot have unlimited chances, and make sure he understands that. 

Or he may not believe you, you will have to leave, and he may come crawling back in a month or three when he realizes you were serious. At that point, it will be up to you to decide if you want to take him back or not. Again, it cannot happen without him proving the change is real. 

I know divorce isn't an easy decision, but what you've been doing so far is not working. It is foolish to keep doing the same things and expecting a different result. If you end up divorced because he refused change, then that shows you never would have had the marriage you wanted anyway and it was best to move on.


----------



## Cindy Lou Boo (Mar 19, 2021)

bobert said:


> That's a risk we all have to take sometimes. What if you stay and it's the wrong decision? What if you leave and it was the best decision of your life? We don't get to know all the answers, unfortunately. Sometimes you just have to make the decision and be prepared to live with it.
> 
> 
> This really does not matter, at all. It's just an illusion because they don't know all of the problems that are going on. Plenty of people APPEAR to have a great relationship, but no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors.
> ...


You are right. Also you know I just don’t have the same love and respect I used to have for him in the beginning of our relationship and I think all I feel is resentment now. It’s not fair to him to be married to someone who really just resents him and he has said that much that he has not felt love and care from me for over a year now and I know he is right. I know personally I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about how he might feel and I don’t look at him the same as I used too and sometimes I’m really rude and mean which I need to stop because he is not a bad guy over all and I know he does care about me but for reason he just thinks he needs to lie. I mean idk if it’s because I have always made more money then him or because earlier in our relationship I used to be more insecure and would cry a lot. This is his first serious relationship too but he dated short term before me and maybe we just don’t know how to navigate. I did ask him for marriage counseling but he is not interested because he said that won’t make me trust him which is prob right.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I don’t believe there is such a thing as wrong decisions - only choices. 

- And then we live with the benefits and consequences of those choices. 

In this case you married young after not really getting out in the world and getting to know how the world works or knowing other people and not grasping the importance of maturity and responsibility in a partner. 

He may have been cute and a fun date and it may have been fun to make out and have sex with, but he lacks basic financial responsibility and faithfulness and now that you are older and more mature and wanting a future home and family, those things have taken on major priority. 

Basically speaking, you have grown up and he hasn’t. 

Your choice now is whether to continue with a man-child that lies and cheats and has to rely on you for a roof over your heads and food on your table. And in the mean time you are losing attraction and respect for him by the day. 

Or you cut your losses and move on without him and make a life for yourself without being bogged down with someone that can’t finish an educational program or keep from racking up credit card debt or make his own money,,,, and have an opportunity to find a more mature and responsible and faithful partner. 

Neither choice is necessarily right or wrong in and of themselves. It is which will be most beneficial for your own well being going forward.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I didn’t bother reading your entire first post or any of the others because it is already obvious...... he is a total loser. Get a divorce and get a life with a new foundation. You can go chase Mr. Hot at work as soon as you drop papers on the loser.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Cindy Lou Boo said:


> On the other hand its like I can't make myself really feel the love and even care I used to and I don't know how. I have also been kind of mean to him but mostly I can't bring myself to care.


@Cindy Lou Boo, the above is what stood out to me the most, and I can tell you that once you start not caring, you generally don't get that feeling back unless you go through a decent amount of therapy, and even then who knows. For another point, stop being mean to him; that's stooping to a level that's just not very good. I know that you've been lied to, and are probably feeling really betrayed. Have you tried talking to him and telling him how you feel? How does he respond?


----------



## Cindy Lou Boo (Mar 19, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> I didn’t bother reading your entire first post or any of the others because it is already obvious...... he is a total loser. Get a divorce and get a life with a new foundation. You can go chase Mr. Hot at work as soon as you drop papers on the loser.


I have no intention to chase him lol




Ursula said:


> @Cindy Lou Boo, the above is what stood out to me the most, and I can tell you that once you start not caring, you generally don't get that feeling back unless you go through a decent amount of therapy, and even then who knows. For another point, stop being mean to him; that's stooping to a level that's just not very good. I know that you've been lied to, and are probably feeling really betrayed. Have you tried talking to him and telling him how you feel? How does he respond?


I do need to check myself when it comes to that and have better attitude. I did try to talk to him and he said that he can’t do anything about that other then try to prove that he won’t lie again but he has been saying that for years and it never works out.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Cindy Lou Boo said:


> Also I should add I don't know if it matters but I recently had a crush on this person at work and I never talked to the person and don't even know their name we work in completely different departments but I have-not really been attracted to another person like for the whole time we been together so this was a new thing for me.


This definitely matters, and that you added it after your first post also matters. As an after though and that you questioned, ‘I don’t know if it matters’.

Would we have read this and responded differently if this was your first post? And then you followed with the info you gave us first??

Probably.


----------



## Cindy Lou Boo (Mar 19, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> This definitely matters, and that you added it after your first post also matters. As an after though and that you questioned, ‘I don’t know if it matters’.
> 
> Would we have read this and responded differently if this was your first post? And then you followed with the info you gave us first??
> 
> Probably.


i just find the crush interesting because I just have not really had a “crush” on anyone in a long long time def before we got married and engaged. Specially someone I have not even talked to or even seen their face as we wear masks at work!


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I think the crush has more to do with this, as you mention your husband was your first everything. Are you shopping around and wondering what you missed out on and then looking for things wrong with him?


----------



## Cindy Lou Boo (Mar 19, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> I think the crush has more to do with this, as you mention your husband was your first everything. Are you shopping around and wondering what you missed out on and then looking for things wrong with him?


i think shopping around is one of the things that makes me not want to pursue separation or divorce. I have single friends and dating sounds like a miserable experience at least from what they tell me and our problems and fights pre date the crush by years.

i don’t want this crush thing to really have any affect on my decision. Like I said I found it interesting but the guy is not someone I would pursue even if I was single for multiple reasons.

i like being married and having that security and having a partner I just wish I was not spending half my life being a detective. I recently discontinued the apple notifications because it was bad for my mental health. I was constantly going to the app to make sure that he was home. I feel like the latest set of lies over stupid things just made my anxiety so much worse.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

There's nothing wrong liking the security marriage brings. But when you're married to someone who doesn't give you that security, then you're in the WRONG marriage.


----------



## Cindy Lou Boo (Mar 19, 2021)

I guess in truth I wish I could just go back in time and not have to make this decision at all


----------



## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Cindy Lou Boo said:


> I guess in truth I wish I could just go back in time and not have to make this decision at all


What’s your fear about leaving?


----------



## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Sounds like you've shown him he can do whatever he wants and you will go along with it because you're scared. Imagine how scared you're be if you're 40, no kids and have gained even more weight. Take care of yourself first, you can't control him, only yourself. 

Don't get me wrong, I get it. Small town, you've only known him, it's all very comfortable. Do you want to be comfortable or happy? If all you want is comfort then stay, you already have that.

Ever consider moving to a larger city?


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Cindy Lou Boo said:


> ... I wish I could just go back in time and not have to make this decision at all


You're an adult. Life throws all of us curve balls. Like it or not, tough decisions need to be made. I'd suggest you not regress into childhood by wishing for things that simply aren't possible. Sorry.


----------



## Cindy Lou Boo (Mar 19, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> What’s your fear about leaving?


that I’ll be alone for rest of my life and I’ll be 80 and have to die alone with no one to help me make my decisions. I have lost pretty much all my close friends over last 10 years.


Al_Bundy said:


> Sounds like you've shown him he can do whatever he wants and you will go along with it because you're scared. Imagine how scared you're be if you're 40, no kids and have gained even more weight. Take care of yourself first, you can't control him, only yourself.
> 
> Don't get me wrong, I get it. Small town, you've only known him, it's all very comfortable. Do you want to be comfortable or happy? If all you want is comfort then stay, you already have that.
> 
> Ever consider moving to a larger city?


yes next year in going to start looking for jobs in a major city. Once my contract is up here




Prodigal said:


> You're an adult. Life throws all of us curve balls. Like it or not, tough decisions need to be made. I'd suggest you not regress into childhood by wishing for things that simply aren't possible. Sorry.


I know but he makes me feel like I’m uprooting our life for no reason because I’m being emotional and over reacting and this is no big deal.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Cindy Lou Boo said:


> ... that I’ll be alone for rest of my life and I’ll be 80 and have to die alone with no one to help me make my decisions.


So the price you'll pay for all this "security" it to have a man crush your soul. Got it. You are making major life decisions based on what-if thinking, NOT what-is. It will hold you back every time. Hey, I walked out on my alcoholic husband after I got a cancer diagnosis. He had boozed his way out of yet another job. We had no health insurance. I had no job (2009 economy had tanked). But I left. Heck, I'd RATHER die alone in a ditch than be with someone who didn't give two craps about me and spent all his days drinking himself into oblivion.

And, even if you stay with this loser, you could still die alone. I enjoy life. I live alone. I am cancer-free 10 years after going though rigorous chemo. I had a good job. I have a retirement plan. I live a darned good life. And why? Because I made the decision to be true to myself and live the life I was supposed to live. All based on WHAT-IS and NOT WHAT-IF.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Cindy Lou Boo said:


> *I know but he makes me feel* like I’m uprooting our life for no reason because I’m being emotional and over reacting and this is no big deal.


So you don't actually "know" squat since you followed it up with a "but." And he "makes" you feel whatever. Can you see how you have a victim mentality? Nobody on god's green earth can "make" you feel anything. You choose to feel as you do. As long as you choose to wallow in victimhood, you will remain in your situation. Which is fine if that's what you choose to do. Your life. Your choice.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You realize the fear of not being alone is not a good reason to stay? What makes you think he won’t die just before you when you’re staring down 80 and then you’ll be alone anyway? You can’t plan for that sort of thing.


----------

