# My wife tells me that she doesn't think she is the one for me.



## scfan (Jun 27, 2014)

We've been married almost 15 years with 2 kids, 11 and 7. We are complete opposites. I'm more reserved and she is more of the social one. I don't drink at all and she does. Like I said we are total opposites. sometimes, she calls me a prude. We always thought that is what brought us together. Recently we moved to a new neighborhood and she has made some great friends on the street. I like our neighbors as well but they like to drink a lot. I don't care that she drinks but she has stumbled home more than a few times walking home. We've been to a few parties on the street and as usual, she will drink, sometimes a lot while I drink a soda or water.
Recently she has taken a few girls trips with neighbors. On one trip to the beach, her and one of our neighbors met a guy at the beach who was there with his mother. He takes them out to dinner and buys their drinks. I didn't find out until after she came home that this happened. I got very upset that she did this and didn't tell me. Her excuse was that they told the neighbor's husband and that everything was fine. I was pissed and told her that she pretty muched lied to me while she was gone. I told her that she should be more careful of strangers and that he could have tried to drug them but she told me I was being rediculous.
On this past trip, she took our kids to our home town to see her aunts and grand parents while I stayed home and worked. They were gone for 3 weeks. While she was there, she spent time with her step sister and friends and going out drinking and having a good time. She would text me most days and if she would be going out with her sister, I would always ask her to be careful and not drink and drive. I have to admit, i think I asked her to do that a lot because it seemed like thats all she did. She got perturbed by my constant reminders.
She finally comes home and we have a huge argument. She tells me she needs to get away to find herself. I tell her she has been gone for 3 weeks with little responsibility of the kids because they were being cared for by relatives while she partied. I have been at work and home by myself for 3 weeks. I asked her why she needed more time away. She tells me she hasnt felt like she has been in a right state of mind for a while She tells me she loves me but she doesn't think she is the right one for me. I tell her that she is the right one and I will always love her. She still wants to get away. I asked her if she was in love with someone else and she said no. I asked her what I could do to make her want to stay and she says she doesn't know. She wants to separate and try to sort herself out but she is wanting to go back and stay with her step sister, I tell her that her step sister and friends will be a distraction and she will not be able to focus on herself and she why she wants to leave me and our 2 kids. She wanted to be able to come home sometimes to see the kids and I told her that once she leaves to find herself, she can't come home until she knows if she is coming home to stay. I didn't want her to use the kids as an excuse to leave again if they drive her crazy one day. I know this is probably not a very good background but is anyone else's wife wanting to separate to go "find themselves"? I'm 42 and she is 37 and she seems to be the one with the mid-life crisis. I'm lost. I love my wife and would do anything for her but it doesn't seem to be enough. I'm trying to be supportive but part of me think she is being selfish.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

Start investigating. Sounds like an affair to me.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Okay forget the separation that's bs.
Check the phone records and her emails.
Get some voice activated recorders and put one in her car and a few in the house.
Do you know anyone if she goes back that can go in PI mode and check up on her.
If she leaves the kids stay with YOU!
Sorry you are here have a mod move this thread to the CWI section.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

She's absolutely cheating on you. I'm tired as f*ck right now, but I'll be back in the morning to offer a bit more input.

Really quickly, though... 

What kind of phone does she use?

Does she use a tablet or computer at all?

Do you have user IDs and passwords for her e-mail and social media accounts?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Apparently mine and everyone else's wife says no when they're cheating and u ask them. What she said is what a cheating wife says-- I don't love you anymore, that she needs some space, is not in her right frame of mind, etc. just look for a kik or other type of app on her phone and you'll know.
Very very sorry. It's going to hurt.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> Apparently mine and everyone else's wife says no when they're cheating and u ask them. What she said is what a cheating wife says-- I don't love you anymore, that she needs some space, is not in her right frame of mind, etc. just look for a kik or other type of app on her phone and you'll know.
> Very very sorry. It's going to hurt.


Evin you are right on the money sadly.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Scfan, the previous posters are correct: your wife is getting plowed by other guys. She is running the standard script. Does your wife not work?

Do other women hit on you?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Scfan, the previous posters are correct: your wife is getting plowed by other guys. She is running the standard script. Does your wife not work?
> 
> Do other women hit on you?


He is on the money this is the time to take no prisoners so to speak.

You have to be willing to end the marriage in order to save it.
Keep reading.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Sadly it sounds like she met someone while visiting her relatives. Separating is the worst of the choices for you. She has no intention of “finding herself”. All too often in separations, one goes and has fun and explores a world and one waits. Separating only trains you how to leave to live apart, no really help or work on problems in a marriage.

She sound ready to go chase a fantasyland and wants you to hang around. You can ask her all the questions you want if its an affair situation she will lie. The more you ask the more she would try and cover it up. You will need to start investigating and find answers yourself. Is she constantly texting or hiding her phone since she got home? Does she use facebook quite a bit? 

Yes we are jumping to a conclusion of another man without a great deal of evidence but your story fits almost textbook wayward behavior.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

She only wants space so she can go fool around with POSOM.

It may be one specific guy or she might just be out running around partying with several of them, whether she already knows them or simply looks for a man of the moment.

Regardless of the specifics, fooling around is the ONLY purpose of her wanting to 'get away'.

If she really only wanted time for self-reflection, she would not even have to leave anywhere.

You two could simply work out some alone time and space for her to do that while you took care of the kids.


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## scfan (Jun 27, 2014)

Let me just add to give more background. Let me just say that I have a short temper. I am quick to get angry with my son when he is being a rude or mean to his little sister or to his mother, my wife. I'm quick to anger when someone wrongs me and I am slow to forgive.

She says she has lost some respect for me because of my temper. She brought up one night she got wasted and was acting like most drunk people do and doing crazy things. I told her she was being stupid and she said that this really hurt her feelings. I don't drink. Not because I am a previous alcoholic. I just don't care for the taste. She always tried to get me to drink something and I usually refuse. I'll taste it but I never care for it. When I was young, my parents got drunk a lot and I told myself then that drinking was not for me.

She has an Iphone and yes, she has put a password on it and changed it several times to keep me out of it. I can look at the phone records and she texts a lot. A lot to her friends on the street and a lot to her new friends of her step sister. 

One night she went out with the girls on the street. They went to a restaurant and drank. I know she was there because she posted pictures on her FB page. It got late past midnight and I know the restaurant had closed. I waited for her and she didn't come home until after 1:30p. When she got home she told me she had to sit in the parking lot to make sure she could drive home ok. I asked her why she didn't call me and she said I am typically already asleep. I left it at that. The next day I looked at her phone logs and she spent nearly an hour talking to one of her new friends. I asked her again the next night after the kids went to bed if all she did was sit in the parking lot. She said she texted some. When I confronted her on the phone call she said that it was nothing and she just neede a friend to talk to. I asked her how she would have felt if I called another woman and talked to her for an hour. She said she was sorry and didn't see any harm in it. She has shown me pictures of this guy before. He is 300lb+ bubba. I'm no little chicken either. I'm about 225 but no beer gut or anything. Just slightly chunky.

Do I think she is having sex with other men. No. Not yet at least. Do I think she wants to find someone else who likes to drink and party and who think its ok to smoke weed. Probably. She has told me that she look at other couples on the street and they all seem to have fun and are able to drink. I told her that she knew that wasn't me when she married me. She told me she felt like she changed herself for me when we met and now she is reminded of how she used to be. 

She tells me she loves me and will always love me but I tell her she can't possibly love me when she doesn't know if she wants to stay married and if I am the one for her.

It's sad that we've grown apart but in my mind, we have kids now and what we want doesn't matter anymore. Everything I do, I am doing it for my kids and my wife and now it's like its not enough.


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## scfan (Jun 27, 2014)

I want to talk it out with her but I don't want to talk so much she hates talking to me. She keeps saying she doesn't feel like herself and that she is going crazy. I asked her if she should find a therapist or psychiatrist and she said we can't afford that. I tell her it would be worth it to me but she refused.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Take action. She will never respect words.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Scfan,

Whether or not you *think* she is effing other guys, she is! She is following the cheater's script to the letter, and now she is rewriting your marital history to justify her behavior.

She is also badmouthing you to her circle of party friends, to paint you and your marriage in a bad light.

Sorry fella.

Does she work? Are you supporting her while she lives the single girl, party life?

Time to go into PI mode. Do not talk to her about her partying life right now. Let things simmer down, while you gather intel. 

Put a VAR under her car seat. Find out who she is talking to.

Get a GPS tracker for her car. Find out where she goes on her nights out.

Check phone records. Find out who she is texting. If you can figure out her password, great!

I would suggest you ask the mods to move this thread to the "Coping with infidelity" subforum.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Chase her and talk about it constantly and she will leave.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> Chase her and talk about it constantly and she will leave.


You make that sound like a good thing.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm with the others. You need to turn her statement around to get the truth. It's not that she's not the one for you, it's that you're not the one for her. And if she hasn't boinked someone already, I'd bet my paycheck it will happen in the first week of your "separation". So if that's a dealbreaker for you, plan your path accordingly. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

She says she loves you, but there is no love in her actions. I think you are on target so far, but you know if she moves out that all bets are off. She originally married you precisely because of you were stable, didn't drink, worked hard, etc. Now she is at a time in her life when she is lamenting her youth and wants to recapture those days, shedding her mother and wife role for the excitement of party girl. She wants to visit the children and then go back to the party, leaving you (steady freddie) behind to keep things going on the home front. 

If she does move out you need to be prepared to open a new bank account and move your paycheck there. Split finances and protect your portion, along with credit cards, etc. Start checking out attorneys and schedule appointment upon her departure. You don't have to file, but you need to know your rights.

In the meantime, you need to work on you. If you have temper issues fix them. Don't excuse your own behavior as just the way it is, you can change as well. If you are being to short with the children, change. If you are not helping around the house, change. You can't make her go to counseling, so I think that I would withdraw from her. You can't nice your way back into her heart. Don't be mean, rude, short, but look to do things with you and the children. Exercise will help with the stress and make a healthier you. If you are into cooking then start, if you are, try new healthier recipes. Look to come out of your shell with others, I don't mean that you need to join in the drink, just be open meeting others and broaden your horizons. Be yourself, but be a more interesting you.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Do everything that you can to save the marriage but remember to *BUILD YOURSELF UP every which way you can!*



You are in for a very rocky year and you need to protect yourself and start planning for a life without your wife; just in case. I am not saying that you and her will not save the marriage but you need to get stronger even if you both save the marriage because she is ripe for the fog and for hurting you big time!


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

tell her when she leaves to go find herself you will divorce her to find yourself......on top of other women! or under! or to the side....maybe even in the middle!


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Op,

I'm sorry to say this, but the other posters are correct. She finds you boring and is longing for the excitement and passion of a new relationship. Her envy of other couples just means that she is not satisfied with you. Either she has already found someone else, or she is looking for another type of man. It's clear that she would like you to be someone you are not.

I don't see any indication in your posts of hard proof that she has already physically cheated, but if she hasn't she most likely will try to very soon.

I assume some of your past temper issues have caused resentment. This is understandable, but it doesn't justify the drinking and partying.

Other posters in the CWI section will give you good advice on how to save your marriage, if this is possible. I truly hope so, because you have children. Divorcing with children is such a mess and if the foundation between the two of you is solid, maybe you can fix things.

Good luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with putting a VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car. Use adhesive backed Velcro to secure it in place so that it does not slide out. Most cheaters think that their car is a secure mobile phone booth. Leave it in there for a few days. See what you get.

Do not confront her right away if you get anything on the recorder. Come here and do some brain storming first . You have to have solid evidence before confronting her.

If she goes out of town to find herself, cut off all money. Do not fund an affair for her.

If she stays in town and continues to party, cut of her funds. She can get a job to support this kind of lifestyle. For one thing she will be working and tired, so partying will move down some on her list.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

As Conrad and Mavash used to say: give defiant people what they want.

She needs to grow up. Do you want to be with a woman who wants to booze?


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