# I'm interested but she's taken



## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

So I got some very clear signals, flirting from a married woman recently. She's unhappy in her marriage. I'm divorced. We have only met one time in a bar. From what she says it seems like her marriage has no future. We are both parents. She gave me her number. I like her but have not yet called her back. We exchanged a few texts.

I want to act honorably but I also want to see her again. Am I trying to square the circle. Is achieving both of those even possible in this situation?


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

If she will cheat with you, she will cheat on you. Same applies to you too.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Married woman trying to pick up men in a bar. Yeah I'm thinking that's not a good start to a healthy relationship.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

GetTough said:


> I want to act honorably but I also want to see her again.


You can likely accomplish one, but not both.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

GetTough said:


> So I got some very clear signals, flirting from a married woman recently. *She's unhappy in her marriage.* I'm divorced. *We have only met one time *in a bar. From what she says it seems like her marriage has no future. We are both parents. She gave me her number. *I like her *but have not yet called her back. We exchanged a few texts.
> 
> I want to act honorably but I also want to see her again. Am I trying to square the circle. Is achieving both of those even possible in this situation?


But she's not unhappy enough to leave! Just to date and get some on the side. Why?

She's not really THAT unhappy, just bored.
Doesn't have the guts to leave (it's not easy!).
Doesn't want to leave the $$$ or social status of being Mrs. X.
Has some other agenda that she's waiting on first.

You like her, but you've only met/talked ONCE. So, she's someone you can converse with over drinks...doesn't make her RELATIONSHIP material! Especially if she's a cheater.

*YES, you ARE trying to square the circle...and you KNOW it!*


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Just because she "said" her marriage has no future, doesn't mean she's telling the truth.

Stay away from the married women, it's the honorable thing to do.

My ex h cheated on me and married the woman who he was having an EA/PA with. She knew we were married and fought for him. What she didn't know is that he is a serial cheater. She sure got him and he cheats on her. 

If this woman is cheating on her husband, she will cheat on you too. Your better off finding a woman who is single herself.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

I just find that the whole system is inevitably going to cause heartache to people... people have a need to reduce risk, and they do this by overlapping relationships.

People are advised that the best time to look for a job is when they already have a job etc. People overlap their relationships because it has perceived value to them.

I think this is why so many people try to justify and rationalize affairs because what is the alternative really? When you're in a great economic situation with kids, and there may still be some attachment but most love is gone... those of us who take the moral high ground are asking people to throw it all away first, create a big mess first, merely on the hope of finding true love.

It may be the right thing to do, but it doesn't seem very pragmatic to me.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

GetTough said:


> I just find that the whole system is inevitably going to cause heartache to people... people have a need to reduce risk, and they do this by overlapping relationships.
> 
> People are advised that the best time to look for a job is when they already have a job etc. People overlap their relationships because it has perceived value to them.
> 
> ...


Jobs, employment, bill-paying... left-brain logical function

Relationships, sex, love, hate... right-brain emotional function.

While you are correct about "overlap" being more efficient, it often leads to emotional cataclysm.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Ask her to call you when she is divorced.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

You met once in a bar and she already told you her marriage won't work. You like her and want her only because she's an easy lay. You gotta have principals in life and she's a bar tramp.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

just move on. lots of fish in the ocean of sex and love.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

southernsurf said:


> You met once in a bar and she already told you her marriage won't work. You like her and want her only because she's an easy lay. You gotta have principals in life and she's a bar tramp.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm actually looking for more than just an "easy lay" and I must say she didn't come across to me as a "bar tramp" but rather someone who was confused and hurt and feeling that love and life were passing her by...


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## GoingInCircles (Jun 2, 2013)

GetTough said:


> I think this is why so many people try to justify and rationalize affairs because what is the alternative really?


How many relationships are so bad you'd rather be sitting alone in an apartment seeing your kids every other weekend than stay?

In any case, if you're in a "stably detached" relationship you may not not realize how much you want more until you meet someone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> But she's not unhappy enough to leave! Just to date and get some on the side. Why?
> 
> She's not really THAT unhappy, just bored.
> Doesn't have the guts to leave (it's not easy!).
> ...


I think you make some good points, but maybe she's not a cheater. Maybe she's just testing the waters at this time to see if she can easily find someone else and it's safe for her to leave. Maybe she's wondering if any guy will want a single mom. I'm sure she's thinking long and hard about her life right now, probably on the verge of leaving.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

GetTough said:


> So I got some very clear signals, flirting from a married woman recently. She's unhappy in her marriage. I'm divorced. We have only met one time in a bar. From what she says it seems like her marriage has no future. We are both parents. She gave me her number. I like her but have not yet called her back. We exchanged a few texts.
> 
> I want to act honorably but I also want to see her again. Am I trying to square the circle. Is achieving both of those even possible in this situation?



I sorta went through the same thing. The woman of my affections was separated but not divorced.

I told her to call me when her divorce was final..

In the meantime... I dated... even lived with a girl for 2 years. 5 long years later, she got word to me that her divorce was final...


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Just because she "said" her marriage has no future, doesn't mean she's telling the truth.


I agree, thank you. That's why I'm inclined to tell her I can't see her - if/when she contacts me. However I'd stand a much better chance of dissuading her if I texted her every day for a date lol


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Jobs, employment, bill-paying... left-brain logical function
> 
> Relationships, sex, love, hate... right-brain emotional function.
> 
> While you are correct about "overlap" being more efficient, it often leads to emotional cataclysm.


I agree, ty


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

You said she was flirting with you. Married women walks in bar (alone?) Doesn't know you from Adam, you walk out with her phone number and her future in your hands. Trust me, that women has given her number out a ton and only wants some strange. Don't get carried away and do something stupid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

hambone said:


> I sorta went through the same thing. The woman of my affections was separated but not divorced.
> 
> I told her to call me when her divorce was final..
> 
> In the meantime... I dated... even lived with a girl for 2 years. 5 long years later, she got word to me that her divorce was final...


Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like doing that worked out well for you... which encourages me to do the same


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

southernsurf said:


> Married women walks in bar (alone?)


It didn't quite go down like that... But what you say about her possibly giving her number out a ton could be true, I cannot deny that. I have no real way of knowing how "easy" she is. I do believe that most women have much more complex motivations than men do in this regard, who will often simply want sex. I find it hard to believe that sex is all she is looking for in her life, even if she wanted to hook up that night.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

GetTough said:


> Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like doing that worked out well for you... which encourages me to do the same


PS.. I've been happily married for 20+ years


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

mablenc said:


> Ask her to call you when she is divorced.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Update: I essentially did this.


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## 4thand11 (May 20, 2013)

GetTough said:


> I just find that the whole system is inevitably going to cause heartache to people... people have a need to reduce risk, and they do this by overlapping relationships.
> 
> People are advised that the best time to look for a job is when they already have a job etc. People overlap their relationships because it has perceived value to them.
> 
> ...


I agree with much of what you say. Getting divorced can be scary and many people want the security of another relationship "in the wings" before they take the leap.

Doesn't only apply to married people either... people regularly keep dating someone they are just "meh" about... until they meet someone else, then they dump original boyfriend/girlfriend like a hot potato.

So I'd say in your case she wants to be divorced but is afraid of being alone. You are her insurance plan. 

Of course, a prudent woman in search of an insurance plan might want to have more than one man lined up. For all you know she is putting out similar feelers to other potential husband replacements. Maybe even in the same bar, who knows!

If you really can see a future with her, tell her to get in touch with you if and when she gets divorced. Dating a married woman is a bad idea for a multitude of reasons.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

Thanks 4thand11, I feel good about where I left it with her. I haven't contacted her again since telling her that. It was tough though. Very tempting to encourage her instead. I'm going to be in a tricky spot if she gets back to me in a few weeks. That will be even more tempting because I shall know she is serious. I guess I shall just have to stand my ground and tell her I won't talk to her until she's available.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Imagine if this was your wife, and you were safe at home watching your kids, taking care of the house. What would you think of A. your wife B. the guy that was willing to engage with your married spouse.

Don't get run over by the karma bus.....


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

GetTough said:


> It didn't quite go down like that... But what you say about her possibly giving her number out a ton could be true, I cannot deny that. I have no real way of knowing how "easy" she is. I do believe that most women have much more complex motivations than men do in this regard, who will often simply want sex. I find it hard to believe that sex is all she is looking for in her life, even if she wanted to hook up that night.


Women are just as or possibly even more capable of NSA sexual hook ups, even married women. We are not so complex, if we want sex we just go and get it.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

Holland said:


> Women are just as or possibly even more capable of NSA sexual hook ups, even married women. We are not so complex, if we want sex we just go and get it.


I just wonder if they would so often have sex with people they wouldn't even consider a relationship with.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

Thumper said:


> Imagine if this was your wife, and you were safe at home watching your kids, taking care of the house. What would you think of A. your wife B. the guy that was willing to engage with your married spouse.
> 
> Don't get run over by the karma bus.....


Yes, I'm with you. I actually think that marriage is somewhat artificial given the legal and religious overlays, even though I would be happy to marry again because it is romantic and beautiful. But the pain of losing someone you love is real.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

GetTough said:


> I just wonder if they would so often have sex with people they wouldn't even consider a relationship with.


Yes it happens all the time.

There are so many other women out there, do the best for yourself and wait until you find a woman that is available, physically and emotionally, that is if you are wanting more than a ONS.


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## talin (Apr 25, 2012)

I would have said: "Call me when the divorce has been filed and you're no longer living under the same roof"

That's bare minimum however be aware that people going through divorce are usually in a very bad place and the first person they get involved with is probably nothing more than a rebound which is most likely going to fail.

As far a waiting for the divorce to be final?

A contested divorce can take years. No reason to wait that long.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

Holland said:


> Yes it happens all the time.
> 
> There are so many other women out there, do the best for yourself and wait until you find a woman that is available, physically and emotionally, that is if you are wanting more than a ONS.


I agree that is the ideal


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

talin said:


> I would have said: "Call me when the divorce has been filed and you're no longer living under the same roof"
> 
> That's bare minimum however be aware that people going through divorce are usually in a very bad place and the first person they get involved with is probably nothing more than a rebound which is most likely going to fail.
> 
> ...


I think that is reasonable.


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

GetTough said:


> those of us who take the moral high ground are asking people to throw it all away first, create a big mess first, merely on the hope of finding true love.
> 
> It may be the right thing to do, but it doesn't seem very pragmatic to me.


That's because you are afraid to be alone. Such people always need someone to be with them.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

GetTough said:


> So I got some very clear signals, flirting from a married woman recently. She's unhappy in her marriage. I'm divorced. We have only met one time in a bar. From what she says it seems like her marriage has no future.


Script: Every cheater says this: they are unhappy in marriage, marriage has no future/is sexless/needs aren't being met/pity party. 



GetTough said:


> *I want to act honorably*


Then you already know what to do. Stop texting her and flirting and imposing on her marriage.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Script: *Every cheater says this: they are unhappy in marriage, marriage has no future/is sexless/needs aren't being met/pity party.*



This is exactly what my WS told the OW and she figures he is fair game because of that.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

Suspecting said:


> That's because you are afraid to be alone. Such people always need someone to be with them.


I'm not sure how you arrive at that conclusion.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> ... and flirting and imposing on her marriage.


I don't believe I ever did that, and I'm not communicating with her.


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

GetTough said:


> I'm not sure how you arrive at that conclusion.


You said it's not pragmatic to you to leave someone or in your words "throw it all away" before you have a new love interest ready. That means you are afraid to be alone. This is also the usual way how cheaters do it.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

Suspecting said:


> You said it's not pragmatic to you to leave someone or in your words "throw it all away" before you have a new love interest ready. That means you are afraid to be alone. This is also the usual way how cheaters do it.


I think a lot of people in unhappy marriages would prefer to be alone than be with their spouse.

A person can be ok to be alone, and still just prefer to make a less risky choice. If a person has a choice between A and B with A being riskier, just because a person would rationally choose B, doesn't necessarily mean they are afraid of A. It might just make more sense to them from a utilitarian perspective to choose B.

If you choose the bagel instead of the donut, does it mean you are afraid of the donut?


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