# The New Boyfriend



## Todi

Well, it finally happened. We've only been officially divorced for two months. We have two children (5 & 7.)

I've tried my hand at dating and met a couple of people but came to the conclusion that I needed more time. I assumed my wife would be doing the same, and it didn't really bother me.

Today the kids are dropped off and all they can talk about is "We met Mom's new boyfriend." Then an hour of non-stop filling me in on all the details. His name is dropped and it just so happens to be the guy from my Wife's 1st Emotional Affair 4 years prior.

It all kind of hits like a ton of bricks.

If I'm being honest, I'm a tiny bit irked by who it is. That little bit of history was the initial cracks in the foundation of my marriage which ultimately led to our divorce. Now he's being introduced to my kids so early in a new dating relationship. Seems a bit irresponsible on the XW part.

I know I don't have control over any of that and I hope he's a decent guy for my kids to be around. How have you guys learned to cope with this type of situation.

*The Kids*

As for the kids... I've listened to them about their experiences with the new boyfriend without showing any negative emotion and not probing for details. Just listening. I want to be supportive for them. It must be really hard for them to wrap their little kid brains around it all. Especially so close to the divorce.

*My Feelings*

Floods of different kind of emotions. The most since the actual divorce. I've just barely gotten to a good place with myself about being on my own and figuring all of that out. This feels like a huge assault on the walls I've build in my new personal foundation.

When the following statements come out, it's hard to know how to process...

"Mom's new boyfriend does this. He's so cool... Well, you're so cool too Dad." 

"He gives us piggy back rides. He's so strong!"

"I saw Mom kissing her new boyfriends. All day!"

Just trying to figure out how to cope with this new development. Any tips? Any tips for helping the kids through this new change?

Thanks in advance!


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## GusPolinski

Two months?

It's kind of f*cked up that she's introduced this guy to your kids already.

Then again, I'm guessing she's been seeing him for way longer than two months.


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## SecondTime'Round

Ugh, so hard to process . I have no good advice because I've not handled this well in the past. Just know it's ok to let it bother you because it's not exactly "natural."


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## Mr.Fisty

Sorry, but it takes time to fully detach enough. At first, you will need to try hard by placing focus in other facets of your life. Create ways of knowing less about her new bf unless it affects your children. Find ways of improving your own life.

Realize that she is damage and if pattern is any indicator of future behavior, since her own issues derive from herself, odds are good that she will continue the same behavior.

In the mean time, become the stable pillar figure in your children's lives.


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## GusPolinski

I'd find out everything that I could about the guy, and if anything unsavory came back, I'd be talking to my lawyer again.


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## Todi

GusPolinski said:


> I'd find out everything that I could about the guy, and if anything unsavory came back, I'd be talking to my lawyer again.


Since he was the guy from my XW's Emotional Affair 4 years ago, I already know more than I'd like to about the guy (did a lot of digging back them.) I haven't found anything unsavory though. Which is good, since he's already in my kids' life.

We've always taught our kids that they should come to us if anyone touches them inappropriately or hurts them, or makes them feel uncomfortable etc... I really want to think of an appropriate way to bring this up with them about Mom's new boyfriend. Maybe just reiterating it in general would be enough.


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## GusPolinski

I think my response to everything would be something like...

"Well, he sure _seems_ like a nice guy."


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## SecondTime'Round

Todi said:


> Since he was the guy from my XW's Emotional Affair 4 years ago, I already know more than I'd like to about the guy (did a lot of digging back them.) I haven't found anything unsavory though. Which is good, since he's already in my kids' life.
> 
> We've always taught our kids that they should come to us if anyone touches them inappropriately or hurts them, or makes them feel uncomfortable etc... I really want to think of an appropriate way to bring this up with them about Mom's new boyfriend. Maybe just reiterating it in general would be enough.


It can never be reiterated often enough. I told my kids this over and over and over and over, but it didn't stop my son from NOT coming to me when the older (yet still young) daughter of one of my BFFs touched him inappropriately. I was, frankly, shocked that he did not tell me since I'd talked to both of my kids about it so often! (Maybe because it was another "child"....)


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## Todi

GusPolinski said:


> I think my response to everything would be something like...
> 
> "Well, he sure _seems_ like a nice guy."


That's pretty much the extent of it. Even if the statement hits like a sledgehammer... Hard to have to totally back-seat your emotions like that. You'd think I'd be used to it by now when it comes to the kids. After the divorce, move, new schools, etc...


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## GusPolinski

Todi said:


> That's pretty much the extent of it. Even if the statement hits like a sledgehammer... Hard to have to totally back-seat your emotions like that. You'd think I'd be used to it by now when it comes to the kids. After the divorce, move, new schools, etc...


Maybe "accidentally" say "piece of sh*t" instead of "nice guy" every once in a while.

Or maybe...

"Well he sure _*seems*_ like he wouldn't be the kind of guy to cheat on his wife with another man's wife, thereby wrecking two different families."


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## Todi

SecondTime'Round said:


> It can never be reiterated often enough. I told my kids this over and over and over and over, but it didn't stop my son from NOT coming to me when the older (yet still young) daughter of one of my BFFs touched him inappropriately. I was, frankly, shocked that he did not tell me since I'd talked to both of my kids about it so often! (Maybe because it was another "child"....)


Yeah. This is the start of my biggest nightmare come to life. I worried about this as a result of the divorce and was one of the biggest reasons why I tried for years to prevent it.

Losing direct control of the people that come into your kids' lives is hard and scary. Especially when you've experienced the inappropriate stuff as a child or have family or friends that have.

Frankly, scared to death!


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## Todi

GusPolinski said:


> Maybe "accidentally" say "piece of sh*t" instead of "nice guy" every once in a while.
> 
> Or maybe...
> 
> "Well he should doesn't _*seem*_ like the kind of guy to cheat on his wife with another man's wife, thereby wrecking two different families."


haha. If only! =) Those types of phrases definitely play in my head while the Bull **** rolls off of my tongue!


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## Woodchuck

Do you think it MIGHT be possible your wife's first EA was continuous right up till today...


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## SecondTime'Round

Todi said:


> Yeah. This is the start of my biggest nightmare come to life. I worried about this as a result of the divorce and was one of the biggest reasons why I tried for years to prevent it.
> 
> Losing direct control of the people that come into your kids' lives is hard and scary. Especially when you've experienced the inappropriate stuff as a child or have family or friends that have.
> 
> Frankly, scared to death!


Yup.

And, incidentally, the girl I mentioned in my post? Product of her mom's affairs, divorcing and taking up with a boyfriend too quickly who had contact with her daughters. Not saying that's the reason for her daughter's questionable behavior (this is not the only example I could cite), but of course it makes you assume and wonder.


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## jsmart

Sorry you're going through this hurt. Divorce sucks. Especially to find out who it is. I'd bet that it never stopped just went underground. Nothing you can do about that. Just work on healing yourself. Don't rush into dating just because she's already out there. Your time will come but you must be a whole person.

Concentrate on renewing and improving yourself. Push yourself out of your comfort zone to try and do things and meet people that you talk yourself out of doing or interacting with. Make sure you're taking care of your appearance. People want to interact with positive upbeat people. Not saying to be a phony person but make sure your not a downer to be around.


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## Nomorebeans

My divorce was final at the end of July, and my ex moved the woman he left me for down here from another state to live with him a month and a half later. Introduced her to our 13-year-old son, who just learned of her existence in April, two days after that.

I feel your pain. It's definitely too soon after your divorce for your ex to be doing this, and with such young children, besides. Monumental selfishness. It's to be expected that they don't consider our feelings. But it's appalling when they cease to consider what's best for their children.


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## Todi

Wow. Definitely the hardest day since finding out my wife was indeed kissing a co-worker... My youngest daughter (who's 5) hasn't been able to stop talking about "Mom's new boyfriend..." Every little detail.

It's so hard to continue to respond with Neutral comments. WTF couldn't she try dating other guys that didn't ruin our marriage. I can only imagine it would be somewhat easier...

FML


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## EleGirl

Todi said:


> Wow. Definitely the hardest day since finding out my wife was indeed kissing a co-worker... My youngest daughter (who's 5) hasn't been able to stop talking about "Mom's new boyfriend..." Every little detail.
> 
> It's so hard to continue to respond with Neutral comments. WTF couldn't she try dating other guys that didn't ruin our marriage. I can only imagine it would be somewhat easier...
> 
> FML


As hard as it is, you should be glad that your children are talking about this. Why? Because that keeps the lines of communication open if something wrong occurs.


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## Todi

EleGirl said:


> As hard as it is, you should be glad that your children are talking about this. Why? Because that keeps the lines of communication open if something wrong occurs.


Yeah. Over dinner I brought up our common conversation about feeling OK to talk to me or Mom. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable, or touches you inappropriately or anything at all makes you feel strange... You can talk to me about it and it's my job to help you out. I definitely made it as generic as always, but wanted it fresh on their minds.

On the other hand. It was a near constant barrage on my emotions and post-divorce barriers that I've erected. Just a really really hard evening. =/


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## dadstartingover

GusPolinski said:


> Two months?
> 
> It's kind of f*cked up that she's introduced this guy to your kids already.
> 
> Then again, I'm guessing she's been seeing him for way longer than two months.


I found out about my ex's affair during a family vacation. When we returned home, she took the kids to go see the OM. Lied about it, of course.

So... nothing surprises me. Two months sounds like a long time!


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## EnjoliWoman

Todi said:


> Yeah. Over dinner I brought up our common conversation about feeling OK to talk to me or Mom. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable, or touches you inappropriately or anything at all makes you feel strange... You can talk to me about it and it's my job to help you out. I definitely made it as generic as always, but wanted it fresh on their minds.
> 
> On the other hand. It was a near constant barrage on my emotions and post-divorce barriers that I've erected. Just a really really hard evening. =/


I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. It sounds like you are doing all of the right things. As I often said about my divorce, the high road can be very lonely. The dialog in your head will just have to do since you can't say the things you want! You can 'say' them here, though! We might even chime in! 

Just keep reminding yourself it's too soon, it's inappropriate and you are doing the right thing. You are taking your time, healing; and when the time comes to date, you'll wait an appropriate amount of time to introduce the kids.

And not to be a downer, but be prepared for the announcement of their engagement. I have a feeling this is being fast-tracked. After all, they are soul mates.


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## chillymorn

ugh!

stay strong! maybe even say .....This is hard for me while you guys are hear talking about moms new boyfriend is off limits. this is our time to spend together. now who wants to wrestle make popcorn and watch a movie.

be a fun dad to be around so when they go home they talk about how much fun they had with you!


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## JohnA

In the end what to say to them and your posw wife and her posm is easy.

With a hug say: I am your father, your only father. You can respect teachers, rabbis, priest, boy scout leader BUT I YOUR FATHER


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## Florida_rosbif

****, I haven't even got to the divorce stage and I can imagine how this would make me feel. 

Chin up man, you knew that this would be coming sooner or later, so it came sooner. My response would be nice big glass of red Malbec.....


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## where_are_we

Ah man. I am sorry. I think that's a bit fast. Also with kids and introducing them so quickly. I think that is confusing for kids. Your kids are still very young.

I have first hand experience with this. When I got divorced the first time - my ex was putting off agreeing to the divorce. We had been separated for about 6 months. Then he suddenly said he is ready to go through with it because he is going to get married again. Two weeks earlier we had met for lunch to talk about the kids and he was begging me to get back together. One of our kids was still a baby at that time. 

My point is, some people just cannot stand to be alone. This relationship may crash and burn. Hopefully your children will bounce back. But, as you say, you can't control her actions.


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## Ynot

I understand how difficult that must be for you. But here is where you can come out the "winner". Don't react when your kids tell you about the new guy. Be the adult, be the responsible parent. Years from now after your Ex's new beau is history your children will remember who was the responsible adult parent and who was the irresponsible adolescent. Time is your friend, use it!
In the meantime, be the best YOU that you know how to be (and work on knowing how to be better)


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## Todi

Florida_rosbif said:


> ****, I haven't even got to the divorce stage and I can imagine how this would make me feel.
> 
> Chin up man, you knew that this would be coming sooner or later, so it came sooner. My response would be nice big glass of red Malbec.....


lol. Been a long time to reply to this, but I just so happen to be drinking a nice Malbec right now! So thought it fitting to reply. =)


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## Todi

BTW. Regarding my original post... The first two weekend were some of the the worst of my life. After that, I look back and am happy to have the band-aid gone. It still mildly sting whenever the kids mention here new guy, but not nearly as much.

I have dated a couple of cool girls, but have yet to introduce anyone to my kids. When I'm with the kids, it's OUR time! We have a lot of fun. One day, I might meet someone special enough to introduce!


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## gulfwarvet

Been there, the new boyfriend is just one more punch in the gut that your marriage is truly over. With time comes acceptance and yeah I had all the thoughts and feelings you are going through.
My ex wifes first relationship was quickly after the divorce and lo and behold they were soul mates and quickly got married. 
What are the chances? And you wonder why so many 2nd marriages fail?
But I'm sure with this guys big paychecks she will stick around unless they fall on hard times and then he will find out quite quickly what he married.
Most important thing is that this guy treats your kids with respect and nothing else matters, you are still Dad, the real one, and believe me your kids know it.


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