# Guys - Decode "Manspeak" for Me Please!



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

My husband and I had an actual pleasant, non-confrontational discussion about something Sunday, but it was coded in manspeak (I think he was trying to be sensitive), and even though I asked several questions to make sure I understood exactly what he was saying, I'm still confused.

So I need your help in "decoding" exactly what he was trying to get across.

My husband mentioned that he did not find me "attractive" when I was shoveling food into my face.

I asked him what do you mean shoveling?

He mentioned - when you eat 5 or 6 pudding cups at night or snack on pita chips, or whatever.

I responded that I didn't "shovel" food in my face (I eat very ladylike with my mouth closed, etc.), and that why did it matter if I was eating 5 or 6 pudding cups if I wasn't fat and hadn't gained any weight - why was it an issue?

He then repeated - I don't find you attractive when you shovel all that food in your face.

I then repeated - if I'm not fat and I'm not gaining weight, what does it matter what I eat (apparently it was WHAT I was eating, not HOW I was eating it)?

To which he responded - I want you like you were when I married you. Not fat, not skinny, but in-between, like you were.

I then responded - so you don't think my body should have changed at all after 3 kids and 27 years?

No response.

So - here's the deal.

I'm actually not fat at all.

I weight only 10 lbs more than the weight he married me at.

I actually lost a lot of weight last year due to stress and a medical condition.

I'm wearing the "same size" clothing I was when we married.

My stomach is an issue, a lot of hanging skin from the weight loss and babies - but I am scheduled for surgery for a full tummy tuck next month, which will take care of that issue.

In the meantime, while I shrunk, he grew. Mostly due to inactivity from his TBI and medications he's on. He's gained weight, I haven't.

So what was he referring to exactly?

And why would he be on my case about "what" I'm eating if I'm not fat and not gaining weight? Especially when HE has gained the weight?

Was this just another excuse for why our sex life still isn't back on track or what?

I'm still confused as to exactly WHAT he was referring to.

Any HELP would be appreciated!


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## mr.miketastic (Aug 5, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> My husband and I had an actual pleasant, non-confrontational discussion about something Sunday, but it was coded in manspeak (I think he was trying to be sensitive), and even though I asked several questions to make sure I understood exactly what he was saying, I'm still confused.
> 
> So I need your help in "decoding" exactly what he was trying to get across.
> 
> ...


That's definitely not any dialect of manspeak I recognize. It sounds like he is pissed about something else he finds uncomfortable to talk about, and has focused on something that I personally would not even give a second thought.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

real men do not speak like that to their wives.


thats idiot speak. and it means I'm an ass----


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Good grief - talk about being evasive. I'm not trying to suggest that it is at all a fair comment, but it's possible that he is suggesting that you sit around sometimes, resting and snacking, and he finds this unnattractive. In reality, though, it is possible that at one time, he was busy or wanted your attention, and you just happened to be relaxed. Maybe in the past, you were once high energy, or at least he perceived it, or maybe you were always available for him?

As a guy with a diverse group of friends, this undercurrent seems to come up. Especially when the younger wife is more or less waiting on 'standby mode' for him to want to spend time together, or do something, and then transitions to midlife calm. You hear some guys saying that she's always just sitting and feeding her face. I find it to be a very selfish type of comment.

He should just realize that he's lucky that you haven't taken his approach to health.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> real men do not speak like that to their wives.
> 
> 
> thats idiot speak. and it means I'm an ass----


I really didn't look at it that way and his tone wasn't rude, condesending or anything of that manner.

He was trying to get something across and was trying to be sensitive and not rude about it (that I did recognize).

But I'm unsure as to his point.

Was the fact that I eat 5 or 6 pudding cups as a snack an issue - does he find this unattractive or pigish?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Halien said:


> Good grief - talk about being evasive. I'm not trying to suggest that it is at all a fair comment, but it's possible that he is suggesting that you sit around sometimes, resting and snacking, and he finds this unnattractive. In reality, though, it is possible that at one time, he was busy or wanted your attention, and you just happened to be relaxed. Maybe in the past, you were once high energy, or at least he perceived it, or maybe you were always available for him?
> 
> As a guy with a diverse group of friends, this undercurrent seems to come up. Especially when the younger wife is more or less waiting on 'standby mode' for him to want to spend time together, or do something, and then transitions to midlife calm. You hear some guys saying that she's always just sitting and feeding her face. I find it to be a very selfish type of comment.
> 
> He should just realize that he's lucky that you haven't taken his approach to health.


I could understand that if I did sit around.

He is disabled - can't work.

I work a full-time job, take care of him when I get home, the house, medical appt's, food, errands, bills, etc.

In fact - he once made the comment that whatever my faults were, being lazy wasn't one of them.

I think it has something to do with the 5 or 6 pudding cups - he kept mentioning the pudding cups - weird.

All I know is I quit eating pudding cups in front of him - if that doesn't solve the issue, then I don't know what the hell is up -


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## Voiceofreason (Mar 6, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I could understand that if I did sit around.
> 
> He is disabled - can't work.
> 
> ...


Suffice it to say he not speaking manspeak code, so we cannot help there and you are back to needing him to decode his statement for you. Is he squeamish about pudding?:scratchhead: His statement is just weird and could be easily explained by him if he wished, unless his condition precludes that.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

mr.miketastic said:


> That's definitely not any dialect of manspeak I recognize. It sounds like he is pissed about something else he finds uncomfortable to talk about, and has focused on something that I personally would not even give a second thought.


I don't know what he would have been pissed about. We have had a pretty good few weeks, no arguments that day, nothing.

He just kind of casually started the conversation and then ended it.

That's WHY I'm confused...


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I could understand that if I did sit around.
> 
> He is disabled - can't work.
> 
> ...


I wasn't very clear. Eating multiple servings of anything is taken as lazy by some guys. Even celery. Of course, this is BS, but its manspeak. Understanding gives you a BS degree in manspeak, if you like.

Sitting around and being unavailable while doing so can elicit the same types of comments, but rarely kind. It's more of the BS stuff. Maybe MS (more of the same), or PHD (piled higher and deeper) if you want to elevate a degree in manspeak.

Just be glad it wasn't ice cream. Then, you just as well have been wearing the giant rollers and a fluffy housecoat, watching soaps, and ignoring him. Sorry!


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

You could switch to Giga Pudding (Japanese) and only eat one container at a time:










(It's a pretty large tub of pudding.)


-OOE



P.S. It would likely bother me, too. I used to binge, and the thought (or sight) of someone engaging in similar behavior is like fingernails on a chalkboard to me.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

People, this is a man who is overweight, binge drinks, addicted to porn , verbally and physically abuses MWIL. Can we assume that she is indeed not lazy and that he is a bone fide jerk? He has and will always find something wrong with her. I have no idea how she has the patience to stay with this urchin.


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

THAT was a pleasant conversation? He is overly critical, inactive, overweight, unemployed, insensitive, tactless, unloving, and somehow he becomes someone whose opinion you value. It doesn't make sense to me. I used to work with a person like this. The dysfunctional approach to this form of insanity is to try to improve yourself and take his nonsense personally...of course this is impossible because the criticism is unfounded.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Halien said:


> I wasn't very clear. Eating multiple servings of anything is taken as lazy by some guys. Even celery. Of course, this is BS, but its manspeak. Understanding gives you a BS degree in manspeak, if you like.
> 
> Sitting around and being unavailable while doing so can elicit the same types of comments, but rarely kind. It's more of the BS stuff. Maybe MS (more of the same), or PHD (piled higher and deeper) if you want to elevate a degree in manspeak.
> 
> Just be glad it wasn't ice cream. Then, you just as well have been wearing the giant rollers and a fluffy housecoat, watching soaps, and ignoring him. Sorry!


And that's what I was looking for - some decoding help.

I did quit eating any snacks or getting seconds of anything since he mentioned it - weird, but if that keeps the peace, then fine.

I'm trying to get our sex life revived, don't want to do anything that he would find unattractive to derail me!


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Brennan said:


> People, this is a man who is overweight, binge drinks, addicted to porn , verbally and physically abuses MWIL. Can we assume that she is indeed not lazy and that he is a bone fide jerk? He has and will always find something wrong with her. I have no idea how she has the patience to stay with this urchin.


That was part of my point. The sheer selfishness of finding something unattractive in someone who should be regarded as a saint is appalling to the point of being absurd. I could be totally wrong, but it is not unusual to see self-absorbed guys focus on eating snacks as being unnattractive in a woman. MWIL is likely one of the strongest people I've ever met for being able to seperate herself from the kind've emotions most of us would give in to in this environment.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> real men do not speak like that to their wives.
> 
> 
> thats idiot speak. and it means I'm an ass----


:iagree:


Brennan said:


> People, this is a man who is overweight, binge drinks, addicted to porn , verbally and physically abuses MWIL. Can we assume that she is indeed not lazy and that he is a bone fide jerk? He has and will always find something wrong with her. I have no idea how she has the patience to stay with this urchin.


:iagree:



luckyman said:


> THAT was a pleasant conversation? He is overly critical, inactive, overweight, unemployed, insensitive, tactless, unloving, and somehow he becomes someone whose opinion you value. It doesn't make sense to me. I used to work with a person like this. The dysfunctional approach to this form of insanity is to try to improve yourself and take his nonsense personally...of course this is impossible because the criticism is unfounded.


:iagree:

I am astounded that this was a pleasant conversation. Despite his tone or whatever else, he was being really awful.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Brennan said:


> People, this is a man who is overweight, binge drinks, addicted to porn , verbally and physically abuses MWIL. Can we assume that she is indeed not lazy and that he is a bone fide jerk? He has and will always find something wrong with her. I have no idea how she has the patience to stay with this urchin.


Okay Brennan, I love your moxie and your straight-to-the-point attitude.

But, his issues are not just that he's a jerk.

There are medical issues involved and he is not mentally and physically competent - not according to his doctors.

So I do cut him some slack where I might not if it hadn't been for the TBI and prior stroke, etc.

He has improved a lot, slacked way off the porn, slacked off the drinking quite a bit also, has been loving, kind and helpful around the house and in general. There are been improvements and changes - he's not perfect and never will be, but it's evident that he is trying.

I actually didn't take what he said as negative in any sense. I was trying to actually make sense of it, hence this post.

But thanks for watching my back!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Syrum said:


> :iagree:
> 
> 
> :iagree:
> ...


Well then perhaps I'm missing something here - because I didn't take it that way or see it that way - at all.

So I truly don't understand anyone getting upset - I wasn't.

I just couldn't figure out what he was getting at.

And trust me - if you think that was awful - then you should see/hear the really awful things since his TBI - that was nothing!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Voiceofreason said:


> Suffice it to say he not speaking manspeak code, so we cannot help there and you are back to needing him to decode his statement for you. Is he squeamish about pudding?:scratchhead: His statement is just weird and could be easily explained by him if he wished, unless his condition precludes that.


And that might be the whole issue.

With the brain damage from his TBI, sometimes he doesn't make sense (or only to him).

This may have been one of those times and I just should have let it pass like I have others...I dunno.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Sounds more like TBI speak and yes, you should let it go. He'll find a different way to tell you if it is an important issue.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> Sounds more like TBI speak and yes, you should let it go. He'll find a different way to tell you if it is an important issue.


Thanks.

I don't think people realize (unless they've experienced it), what a TBI and brain damage can do to a person.

It can completely change who they were and in a lot of ways - that's exactly what happened to my husband.

Doesn't give him an excuse - but hey, can you blame someone for acting weird and in an unconventional or unrecognizable manner whose brain has been scrambled and doesn't work right?

I can't - if you knew him before and knew him now, you'd understand more why I am still here with him.

It's no different than if he'd had an accident that took away his ability to walk or move. His accident took away his mental competence. It's something he didn't cause and not his fault. So you have to temper that with who he was, who he is and who he can be after the injury.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Okay Brennan, I love your moxie and your straight-to-the-point attitude.
> 
> But, his issues are not just that he's a jerk.
> 
> ...


Yes, but you said he had issues even before his TBI!
Next time he tells you he wants you to look like you did 27 years ago tell him you want him to look like he did 27 years ago, before his injury, before his weight issues, before his unemployment, before his drinking, before his porn, before his beating you up, before his emotional abuse. See what he has to say then.
The dude deserves to be eating your shoelaces for dinner tonight.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I know a woman who had rectal cancer. She happened to smoke. Her oncologist told her it was because of smoking. Her response was "Doc I didn't smoke out my ass."

That's kind of the approach I would have to this too.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i think it could be 1 of 2 things...
either the TBI or
maybe because of the way he sees himself now, seeing you eat like that makes him see himself like that more? if that makes any sense. maybe like holding a mirror in front of him.
i think you either need to attribute it to the TBI and let it go or explain to him that you need to understand WHAT he is saying and the only way for you to is for him to explain it more.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> .
> 
> I'm trying to get our sex life revived, don't want to do anything that he would find unattractive to derail me!



Perhaps he's just looking for something to justify him not finding you attractive....giving him an excuse to derail your efforts so far?


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> i think it could be 1 of 2 things...
> either the TBI or
> maybe because of the way he sees himself now, seeing you eat like that makes him see himself like that more? if that makes any sense. maybe like holding a mirror in front of him.
> i think you either need to attribute it to the TBI and let it go or explain to him that you need to understand WHAT he is saying and the only way for you to is for him to explain it more.


This "man" beat her in to a concussion. Skull fracture and all. Pummeled the living hell out of her. ER. Do we REALLY care what he has to say? She also said he had violent tendancies prior to his TBI. A major porn addiction, binge drinking and many other things. This "man" is a class A a$$hole, brain injury or not. I know she loves him, she just doesn't love herself more. 
I hope after your surgery you say "hot damn" and get rid of the bum. A "man" who says your eating habits are disgusting to him? Eating pudding is disgusting to him meanwhile he beats the sh!t out of you, screams at you, tells you you are worthless, tells you you made him hit you, views porn often and makes you feel bad that you do not look like them, continues to make you feel worthless yet tied to him and at the end of the day, you stay? TBI be damned, you said was like this before. 
If I told you that getting Lime disease was brought on by parasites, would you believe it? Your husband is front and center.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

He is projecting and trying to take you down a peg because you are becoming too confident. The tummy tuck, weight loss looking better. He knows when you become more confident he will look less and less attractive and you may leave him. he sounds toxic and you would certainly be justified in leaving him, he does not appreciate you. 

Just keep working on your self and the next time he trys to knock you down smile and walk away. Keep shovel eating what you want however you want it's your house make yourself comfortable. Or if you feeling particularly annoyed tell him the look of his fat azzzz when he stands up makes you want to vomit. 

Don't listen to me I am not a nice person. 

Seriously, he is trying to upset you and keep you unbalanced. . Besides why do you need to decode a man like him? You are taking care of him, that's more than most people would do with a jerk don't waste time decoding, he is already getting more than he deserves. 

Besides a man should never pass judgement on his wife. You seem to have not set bounderies as to how you want to be treated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

What I want to know is how you eat 5 pudding cups and snack on these foods like this and don't gain weight. Is there a diet I don't know about because this sounds pretty good!

Besides that, I think he was just expressing an emotional hiccup. Most likely he wishes things were like they used to be for him and for you before 27 years, TBI and 3 kids.

I would suggest getting him to find hope for the future again. My honest opinion is the tummy tuck, the pudding, his own weight issues and his problems with all of them are more likely out of a continued mourning from inside him where he used to feel more successful, in control, healthy and confident. 

I imagine his medical condition, behaviors/words have taken a toll on you as well. Your confidence and hope for the future also needs to evolve into something more than longing for a past that is never coming back no matter what surgery, size you are or strange conversation you have.

In other words, it's not man speak...it's your relationship speak and you're best able to decode it.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

MWIL,

To a degree, I think I understand some of your motivations for trying not to let the TBI influence your decisions. For the first few years I knew my wife, you would never know that she was bipolar. Even now, as I think of those years, it brings tears to my eyes. I stayed true to her for those few years, when she was the most incredible person I knew. What I didn't know, however, was that her parents had her in an extremely emotionally controlled environment, one that a husband could never replicate, and wouldn't want to. Maybe to some degree, you see within him the hidden person within, the one you fell in love with. I hope you are not offended by me saying so.

That said, in my current job, I am a fixer of intellectual talent. I read people, and it is a big part of my job taking very intelligent, but currently dysfunctional professionals, and getting them back on track. I make a lot of money doing so. Although I lead technical people who develo new technologies in the auto industry, gradually, other groups started sending their 'defective' personalities to me, and most can learn to function well. So, I have the unique job description of being a technical talent leader. I just can't help but wonder if when a person's response follows predictable, and common behaviors of dealing with resentment, if you can still call this a TBI deficit. 

See, my wife is bipolar, and says some hurtful, manic-driven things that are part of her disease. They're just not normal. But she also uses alot of woman-speak to deal with her resentment. Its easy for her to lash out instead of dealing with the reason she wants to hate herself. Some mental processes are normal, some are not. Bipolar, and maybe TBI, affect regions of the brain, but not every thought process. TBI does create a mental evirpnment of confusion, and maybe anger, though.

As Brennan said, its just not fair to yourself to lump everything into the TBI realm. Especially things that can be fixable, and normal resentment-speak. He can learn, even now, that such comments will only hurt.

Either way, I don't want you to be offended. I wish you well.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Trenton said:


> What I want to know is how you eat 5 pudding cups and snack on these foods like this and don't gain weight. Is there a diet I don't know about because this sounds pretty good!
> 
> Besides that, I think he was just expressing an emotional hiccup. Most likely he wishes things were like they used to be for him and for you before 27 years, TBI and 3 kids.
> 
> ...


Thanks Trenton.

I have pretty tough skin and when I put something out here on TAM, I expect to get honest-no holds barred advice which I can choose to listen to or ignore or take bits and pieces that I feel are justified in their intent.

But some don't appear to quite understand what truly happens to someone who has had a severe TBI, and his was severe. He couldn't walk, talk or even swallow when it first occurred.

Others in my shoes do understand and are going through similar or even worse issues, but those that have never experienced a loved one whose brain has been damaged and scrambled just don't get it.

Sure - my husband had issues before the TBI - don't we all.

But the issues I deal with now, post-TBI "pale" in comparison.

Just for the sake of those that think I believe myself not worthy of someone who would act and treat me better, let's lay out a few changes.

Pre-TBI - sure he had a temper, but had NEVER, EVER raised a hand to me (25+ years). And, has not raised a hand to me since the well-known incident of December 2010.

Post-TBI - voluntarily joined an anger management group and has regular counseling sessions to control his anger when it ramps up and has been successful most of the time.

Pre-TBI - identified as straight in his sexual orientation.

Post-TBI - now identifies as bi-sexual and guess what - doesn't even really understand why.

Pre-TBI - drank a few beers here and there to wind down after work.

Post-TBI - started drinking heavily, included straight alcohol combined with beer - due to the loss of control, extreme anxiety and depression brought on by the TBI. Doesn't make it right, but not unusual with what happened to him.

Pre-TBI - talked normally, walked normally, physicality normal for a man his age.

Post-TBI - stutters when he talks, walks with a gait and needs aid if on his feet too long, physicality not normal - hands shake when doing manual dexterity type tasks and frequently falls because his eyesight was affected and peripheral vision is shot.

Pre-TBI - could do anything and do it quickly, mind like a steel trap.

Post-TBI - cannot remember what day it is sometimes, cannot do anything quickly, what used to take 10 minutes can now take an hour or more.

Pre-TBI - we had a sex life.

Post-TBI - dismal at best. Not only does he suffer ED from lack of feeling due to the TBI, but suffers from depression and ED issues also aggravated by medications. This has had a deep psycological affect on him, more than even I realized.

Pre-TBI - yes, he liked porn. I knew it, not a problem - not the focus of his life/day.

Post-TBI - now a porn hound. Ramped up tremendously, probably due to inactivity, inability to work and go places and his inability to perform sexually in a pre-TBI manner.

So yes - I've dealt with enough isues to choke a horse. I cannot deny that there have been times that I have wanted to choke him, slice my own wrists or just run away and hide and pretend that he never existed. Plenty of times...believe me.

But it always comes down to - who he WAS prior to the TBI and who he IS now. The TBI was not his fault, he did nothing to cause it - it just happened. He is not the same - mentally or physically. Is he to blame for that? Hell no. Does he have some responsibility for trying to help himself post-TBI - sure.

And he has. He makes all his doctor appointments. He (voluntarily) got into counseling, joined a PTSD support group, an anger management group, a depression group and meets regularly with two counselors - one for his PTSD and one for other issues. He takes his medications. He fought for and has received additional therapy for cognition and speech. He has come a LONG way from where he started and each and every few months I see additional improvements.

Has there been areas where he has backslid and failed to progress properly - sure. His drinking got out of control, but he has actually begun to get a handle on it and it has decreased dramatically and his goal is to stop altogether - I hope he does.

He still views pornography, but that has also dramatically decreased. He is trying, at least, and now (just within the last couple of week) understands my issues (he discussed them on his own with his counselor).

He has begun to be less critical and demanding of me, now understanding the stress that I've been under. He has apologized for the stress he has caused and has indicated to me that he is aware of it and is trying to change things.

He has been more loving, more helpful (volunteering to help with things he can do), less involved with himself and more involved with us.

Pretty much NOTHING I've experienced with him post-TBI is unusual, according to his neuro-psychologist. The brain is very complicated and when it's damaged and tries to rewire and work around the damaged areas, there are consequences. People have personality changes, behavior changes, changes in sexual behaviors, speech, emotions, affect, etc. His doctor has not been shocked by anything that has come forward post-TBI and the doctor is aware of everything - I've held nothing back.

Testing has showed that his affect has been affected tremendously. This inhibits his ability to feel empathy and become bothered by the emotions of what he experiences or of those around him. He is aware of it and actually does reach out, even though he doesn't feel like it, when he knows it's needed - but it is difficult for him, because it doesn't "register" like it would for those of us considered normal.

So - I actually do love myself (now), didn't for a while there as I didn't have the skills to deal with what I was experiencing - I have them now. I am in regular counseling and two support groups myself - I'm not alone - I'm in groups with others going through the same things, and worse and some not as bad. Each brain reacts differently based on the type of damage and where it occurred.

So while it may seem as if I'm making "excuses" for his behavior - and maybe I am - there are reasons he is like he is and it's not because he got up one day and decided to be an a$$hole and jerk and all-around no good bum to his wife.

He wasn't perfect before, but who is. But what I got now - whew is all I have to say. I'm doing the best I can with the hand I've been dealt - so is he, for the most part.

I love him and cannot just walk away for something that happened that wasn't his fault or mine.

Now, do I stay forever for someone who doesn't help themself? No. But he is helping himself and trying. As fast as I think he should - no, but I don't live in his body and head and truly don't understand how his brain now works. So I'm trying to be patient, helpful and supportive. Is it hard - you damn right it is - the last 2+ years since his TBI have been the worse of my entire life - I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy if I had one.

But who knows what the future holds. But I know, for me, I'm doing the right thing, what I should do as his wife and the person who loves him and that helps me sleep at night.

For others, the choice would be different. But maybe not - until you walk a mile in my shoes and experience and live with what happened, you never know what choice you would really make when faced with the same situation, you can guess all day long what your choice would be, but when it hits you right in the face, you may find that choices change.

But I do appreciate everyone's support and comments and advice in trying to support me and let me know that I am a good person and deserve better. Sure I am and sure I do - but - I'm in a very complicated situation that has no easy answers (at least not for me).

I do my best and will continue to do so and will continue to expect support from my TAM buddies as I've received in the past.

Thanks again!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

The difference between women and hookers is that when a hooker tells you it's $50 more for anal, it doesn't mean that she's unsure of your commitment to your relationship and she feels vulnerable but not too vulnerable she just wants you to prove it. It means it's $50 more for anal. Men 'get' hookers on that level.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Trenton said:


> What I want to know is how you eat 5 pudding cups and snack on these foods like this and don't gain weight. Is there a diet I don't know about because this sounds pretty good!


You can if you eat nothing else.

My eating habits have gotten weird since last year.

I'll skip breakfast, eat no lunch, then eat 5 pudding cups and maybe a salad for dinner.

So I don't eat regular meals and sometimes skip a few and just eat snacks. I used to feel you had to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner because that's what you do.

I now eat when I'm hungry.

That's how I do it - maybe not very healthy - but hey, I get to have my cake and eat it too!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Brennan said:


> The dude deserves to be eating your shoelaces for dinner tonight.


Okay - that was funny.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> I know a woman who had rectal cancer. She happened to smoke. Her oncologist told her it was because of smoking. Her response was "Doc I didn't smoke out my ass."
> 
> That's kind of the approach I would have to this too.


I get the analogy, but don't quite get what you're saying.

Can you decode this "manspeak" for me?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> i think it could be 1 of 2 things...
> either the TBI or
> maybe because of the way he sees himself now, seeing you eat like that makes him see himself like that more? if that makes any sense. maybe like holding a mirror in front of him.
> i think you either need to attribute it to the TBI and let it go or explain to him that you need to understand WHAT he is saying and the only way for you to is for him to explain it more.


Sometimes that's a challenge because I don't think he knows what he is saying at times.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> He is projecting and trying to take you down a peg because you are becoming too confident. The tummy tuck, weight loss looking better. He knows when you become more confident he will look less and less attractive and you may leave him. he sounds toxic and you would certainly be justified in leaving him, he does not appreciate you.
> 
> Just keep working on your self and the next time he trys to knock you down smile and walk away. Keep shovel eating what you want however you want it's your house make yourself comfortable. Or if you feeling particularly annoyed tell him the look of his fat azzzz when he stands up makes you want to vomit.
> 
> ...


Maybe, but he may also not be truly aware of how things are coming across - maybe, maybe not.

Do I have a lot of boundaries, no, never have and probably never will.

But I have put my foot down on a few things that have not been breached - such as: any physical violence, a deal breaker and it hasn't occurred since the incident in December. A sexless marriage - won't do it and he now knows it - he is working on it, slowly but working. Binge drinking - also a deal breaker and he knows it now and has also been dealing with it, slowly, but dealing with it.

So I have established some, and maybe I'll work on others.

Thanks.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

surfergirl said:


> Perhaps he's just looking for something to justify him not finding you attractive....giving him an excuse to derail your efforts so far?


Maybe - don't know.

I've backed way off after speaking to my counselor a couple of weeks ago and getting to the heart of some of his real issues on the sexual front.

But like I've said, my self-esteem and confidence are ramped way back up, so things aren't affecting me like they did before.

I'm about to have my surgery, so watch out then!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I get the analogy, but don't quite get what you're saying.
> 
> Can you decode this "manspeak" for me?


Men are simple to understand. We mean what we say with as little BS as possible. Husband is repelled by watching his wife eat (ok that's a little weird but so be it) he means "When I watch you eat it's pretty off-putting." It doesn't mean he hates you. It doesn't mean he thinks you're a mall rhino who smells. It means "Great god damn woman, what are you doing scarfing down all that at one sitting?"

And I can say this because I find compulsive behavior infinitely irritating too. Tell him "So don't look".


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Halien said:


> MWIL,
> 
> To a degree, I think I understand some of your motivations for trying not to let the TBI influence your decisions. For the first few years I knew my wife, you would never know that she was bipolar. Even now, as I think of those years, it brings tears to my eyes. I stayed true to her for those few years, when she was the most incredible person I knew. What I didn't know, however, was that her parents had her in an extremely emotionally controlled environment, one that a husband could never replicate, and wouldn't want to. Maybe to some degree, you see within him the hidden person within, the one you fell in love with. I hope you are not offended by me saying so.
> 
> ...


And I'm not.

Thank you so much.

And I agree that EVERYTHING is not to blame on the TBI. But, as his doctor has indicated, you can't pick and choose what it TBI related and what isn't - you have to deal with the entire package as it is.

And I am...slowly and maybe not in the manner others would - but I am.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Men are simple to understand. We mean what we say with as little BS as possible. Husband is repelled by watching his wife eat (ok that's a little weird but so be it) he means "When I watch you eat it's pretty off-putting." It doesn't mean he hates you. It doesn't mean he thinks you're a mall rhino who smells. It means "Great god damn woman, what are you doing scarfing down all that at one sitting?"
> 
> And I can say this because I find compulsive behavior infinitely irritating too. Tell him "So don't look".


That I understand and that was part of my take-away from it too.

So I don't eat 5 pudding cups in front of him anymore.

Problem solved (I hope)!


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## Zulu (Apr 16, 2010)

Just read this thread now. Loosly translated... maybe there is some lost in the translation, but he probably wanted a BJ.... or he was saying that you don't initiate sex or dress as sexy as you used to, he was probably saying that he misses the was it was in the old times with regard to the sex.


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## AbsolutelyFree (Jan 28, 2011)

I can't comment on the backstory or all the other discussion in this thread, since I have't kept up on it.

'Shoveling food into your face' is a really bad choice of words, though. It sounds coarse and insulting. 

I guess I can understand the basic message of what he meant -- He was communicating his feeling that you should be more careful about what you eat. Whether or not this is justified/correct, I don't know.

It sounds like he didn't put much thought into how he thought you might respond to his words, either. He just said them, you asked a followup question and he wasn't able to answer it, which to me says he just blurted out his feeling without thinking it through at all.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

AbsolutelyFree said:


> It sounds like he didn't put much thought into how he thought you might respond to his words, either. He just said them, you asked a followup question and he wasn't able to answer it, which to me says he just blurted out his feeling without thinking it through at all.


And that may be the simpliest answer of all...thanks!

I'm not losing any sleep over it - was just confused.


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## Johnny (Jan 29, 2010)

MWIL,
I understand from your posts, that you had a strong feeling, that your husband was trying to get a message accross, but you could not understand it.
My impression is, that he might have tried to say something important but didn't have access to the appropriate words. Brain-injured people somtimes have pre-verbal thoughts but cannot translate them into words because of damage in the speech area. I remember a guy who due to a stroke had only two sentences left, he could express. The first was "you are d**n right", the second "Oh my God". So he used the first one to say "yes", and the second to say "no". He had no other means of communication left.
The fact that your husband kept using the same phrase when you asked him to explain what he meant makes me think that he might have had something specific on his mind, but just could not "translate" it properly. If that is the case he hopefully might be able make himself clear on another day

Good luck, Johnny


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

This is not "manspeak". He's just being an idiot and from the sounds of your post he might be insecure and hate himself. A man who loves his wife and finds her attractive should want to basically eat her up ike pudding and ask for seconds and thirds.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> The difference between women and hookers is that when a hooker tells you it's $50 more for anal, it doesn't mean that she's unsure of your commitment to your relationship and she feels vulnerable but not too vulnerable she just wants you to prove it. It means it's $50 more for anal. Men 'get' hookers on that level.


Didn't realize hookers weren't women. Don't even get me started on men who patronize them.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Brennan said:


> Didn't realize hookers weren't women. Don't even get me started on men who patronize them.


there are women who patronize them too


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

No one knows for sure what he really meant but him, and I don't think there is any "manspeak" about it. However I'll take a guess. I don't think the food shoveling comment was in reference to you being fat. I think he simply didn't find it attractive that you were eating the way you were eating. period. His mindset and the way he sees things might be a little different than yours, especially with all the medical issues he has. Since you felt he was trying to be nice and sensitive about it then thats probably all there was to it. I do think the word "Shoveling" was the worst part of what he said, that could have been worded differently if he really felt the need to make a comment.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Hookers are hookers. I wouldn't lump them together with wives, girlfriends, cuddlebuddies, or other.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Sanity said:


> This is not "manspeak". He's just being an idiot and from the sounds of your post he might be insecure and hate himself. A man who loves his wife and finds her attractive should want to basically eat her up ike pudding and ask for seconds and thirds.


And I think that's part of it too.

I down think he likes himself very much and what has become of him due to the TBI and his other issues that are not related.

He once said to me a few months ago that he had self-esteem issues (and that I did too), we just dealt with them differently - maybe this is what he meant.

He tries to act confident, strong, etc. But I know deep inside he is anything but. Maybe that describes me too.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Hookers are hookers. I wouldn't lump them together with wives, girlfriends, cuddlebuddies, or other.


And some of those act like hookers too - HA


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Jamison said:


> No one knows for sure what he really meant but him, and I don't think there is any "manspeak" about it. However I'll take a guess. I don't think the food shoveling comment was in reference to you being fat. I think he simply didn't find it attractive that you were eating the way you were eating. period. His mindset and the way he sees things might be a little different than yours, especially with all the medical issues he has. Since you felt he was trying to be nice and sensitive about it then thats probably all there was to it. I do think the word "Shoveling" was the worst part of what he said, that could have been worded differently if he really felt the need to make a comment.


Yeah - that's where my mind is going to.

Maybe the way I was eating the pudding vs the pudding itself.

I dunno - sometimes he comes up with crazy things or says crazy things that he can't express properly, doesn't mean and half the time doesn't even remember he said.

I've learned to filter out most of what is said and take it with a grain of salt and for the most part, I've been successful - but sometimes (as in this case), he says something way off the wall and it leaves me wondering exactly what the hell he meant.

I get SOOOO many mixed messages that I never know what to actually take in or what to leave behind.

Good example: he has a touch issue since the TBI. It's gotten a LOT better than it was, but there is still an issue - so I try not to get too touchy-feely as it physically makes him uncomfortable.

So when we go to bed and watch TV, I usually don't reach out much as it's uncomfortable for him, I let him do the reaching. Well last night he says (as he is turning over to face the other way) - come on over here, you don't have to lay miles away from me when we're in the same room. Caught me off guard. Normally this is an issue, but not last night.

This is why I don't know whether I'm coming or going most of the time because his comfort level changes and his thoughts change very rapidly and what was "good" yesterday is "bad" today and so on and so forth.

Feel like I'm on a merry-go-round that won't stop and let me off most of the time.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> there are women who patronize them too


Leave it to okeydokie to point out the other side!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Let it go. My wife eats EVERYTHING mixed in with salad and chopped up. Steak, salmon, lasagna, everything. It's weird. I don't care. People are weird.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Johnny said:


> MWIL,
> I understand from your posts, that you had a strong feeling, that your husband was trying to get a message accross, but you could not understand it.
> My impression is, that he might have tried to say something important but didn't have access to the appropriate words. Brain-injured people somtimes have pre-verbal thoughts but cannot translate them into words because of damage in the speech area. I remember a guy who due to a stroke had only two sentences left, he could express. The first was "you are d**n right", the second "Oh my God". So he used the first one to say "yes", and the second to say "no". He had no other means of communication left.
> The fact that your husband kept using the same phrase when you asked him to explain what he meant makes me think that he might have had something specific on his mind, but just could not "translate" it properly. If that is the case he hopefully might be able make himself clear on another day
> ...



Yep - it's called Ataxia - a condition they have confirmed that he has.

They say it's like the computer in his brain knows exactly what he wants to say, he just can't get it past his mouth.

Happens all the time.

He gets extremely frustrated when he can't get his thoughts out verbally. Sometimes he just gives up or he will look to me to finish it for him - 99.9% of the time I can - we've been together a while, but sometimes I can't and he gets even more frustrated.

So I definitely understand what you're saying. I'm used to the thought-interruption type process, this one just threw me - guess he couldn't quite express "exactly" what he was getting at and this was the .1% time that I couldn't figure it out either.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Let it go. My wife eats EVERYTHING mixed in with salad and chopped up. Steak, salmon, lasagna, everything. It's weird. I don't care. People are weird.


I have let it go.

I simply don't snack or eat pudding in front of him anymore.

It wasn't all the big of a deal, I just couldn't get it and I thought maybe one of you could decode what he was trying to say.

But it's not the focus of my life or anything I'm losing sleep over.

Thanks.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I'm late coming in on this one but I believe men are pretty clear in what they say and what they mean. I'm kind of a foody and I'm kind of turned off watching people eat junk food. I've felt this way about my dh sometimes but I just don't look I'd never say anything. He's also overweight though so that changes things. If he were thin I might not care so much.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Going back to the original "manspeak" question. Here's what I see:

He stated his feeling "I don't find it attractive when you...." 

You, tell him he's wrong for feeling that way by being defensive.

He restates his feeling.

You continue to be defensive and thereby tell him he's wrong for feeling that way. So he's trying to communicate but being punished for it. And as a result he feels like he can't win because the game is too skewed to rules he doesn't understand. 

Communicate. But only the right way. 

I've had this happen countless times. Wife (or counsellor for that matter) asks for my feeling about something, as I struggle to articulate it, she interrupts and tells me I'm wrong for feeling that way, usually because it isn't what she wants to hear. 

If you asked me my thoughts on something and then got defensive and attacked my position, I would feel annoyed. My view is, don't ask, if you don't want the answer.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

seeking sanity said:


> Going back to the original "manspeak" question. Here's what I see:
> 
> He stated his feeling "I don't find it attractive when you...."
> 
> ...


I agree.

But - I didn't ask anything.

He just started talking and began with....I don't find you attractive when...

I actually didn't tell him he was wrong for feeling this way - I needed to understand WHY eating 5 pudding cups for a snack was unattractive.

I find lots of things he does unattractive, but would I just blurt them out and say...hey.

I did forget to point out that I did tell him he needed to worry a little more about what he eats and less about what I eat (he is overweight, I'm not).

He did agree and said I'm a fat f**k, I know it. What has that got to do with it?

My point was - make sure your own backyard is clean before you start *****ing about mine is all.

I think he was just picking and not picking well - so I didn't get the gist of what he was trying to say - except he apparently doesn't like to watch me eat pudding - no problem - not eating it in front of him anymore. :smthumbup:


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Hey - I'm not saying he's right in this and it seems like a stupid thing to say to your wife, I'm just answering your question about manspeak. You are not sticking to your original question.

I often make an effort NOT to say what I feel because it spirals exactly into the mess this whole thread is describing.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

seeking sanity said:


> Hey - I'm not saying he's right in this and it seems like a stupid thing to say to your wife, I'm just answering your question about manspeak. You are not sticking to your original question.
> 
> I often make an effort NOT to say what I feel because it spirals exactly into the mess this whole thread is describing.


And I wasn't attacking you either - just responding.

I hear you and agree with most of what you said.

I just didn't "invite" what was said to me - it just came out of the blue (which happens a lot with him).

Don't NOT respond - if I didn't want to hear what people had to say I would have remained quiet.

Doesn't mean I have to agree or disagree - but the differing opinions and inputs do help.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> And I wasn't attacking you either - just responding.



Here's the thing, you aren't responding so much as being defensive and justifying yourself. I bring it up because it may be part of a larger dynamic that is making communication more difficult between you and your husband.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

seeking sanity said:


> Here's the thing, you aren't responding so much as being defensive and justifying yourself.


funny, i havent gotten that message from her.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

seeking sanity said:


> Here's the thing, you aren't responding so much as being defensive and justifying yourself. I bring it up because it may be part of a larger dynamic that is making communication more difficult between you and your husband.


And I really hate to say this - but this is a typical male response to someone wishing to impart "the whole story" not just their view of what they believe the story is.

As you will note, you stated that I was telling him he shouldn't feel that way - never said that during the conversation and didn't post that here.

He can feel however he wants to feel - but guess what - so can I.

His feelings are not more important than mine and vice versa.

When you come out with a blanket statement and don't follow it up with facts or "why" you feel that way - what am I supposed to do - just take it on blind faith, when I have no idea what you are referring to and just accept it and move on?

I, as a woman, don't have the right to ask for details?

That's basically what you're saying in a nutshell.

And because I wish to have details to "understand" his point of view - that means I'm defensive and justifying myself?

When you "dismiss" our right to question the things you say - then you "dismiss" us - this is how it feels to me. When I say something to my husband and he asks for more details, I don't shut down, feel I'm being punished, etc., I give him answers. Why is it so difficult for men to do the same - it's what they expect - why can't I expect it either?

But thanks for the comment - I do appreciate it - but this last remark wasn't on point (not to me).


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

I'm going unsubscribe from this thread. I'm not trying to invalidate your perspective or dismiss you. I'm trying to point out how your communication might be hurting your relationship. You insist on being defensive by saying I have a male response (duh) and implying that a male response is somehow bad. 

Yes, you have a right to ask for details. But you aren't asking, you are defending. Asking would be, "what do you mean by that?" "What about that makes you...?" Defensiveness is justifying your behaviour. 

Another perfectly valid response would be: I find that insulting. I find that hypocritical. You don't have to tell me those things. I don't want to hear it.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

seeking sanity said:


> I'm going unsubscribe from this thread. I'm not trying to invalidate your perspective or dismiss you. I'm trying to point out how your communication might be hurting your relationship. You insist on being defensive by saying I have a male response (duh) and implying that a male response is somehow bad.
> 
> Yes, you have a right to ask for details. But you aren't asking, you are defending. Asking would be, "what do you mean by that?" "What about that makes you...?" Defensiveness is justifying your behaviour.
> 
> Another perfectly valid response would be: I find that insulting. I find that hypocritical. You don't have to tell me those things. I don't want to hear it.


And I heard you.

But I find the "way" you stated it to be dismissive and insulting. Your male response was bad to me.

I asked those very questions.

The perfectly valid response is not how I am. Two wrongs don't make a right. Those statements would have put him on the defensive, which would have further erroded the conversation.

But I appreciate your input.


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