# Why Do Promiscuous People Behave the Way They Do?



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Why Do Promiscuous People Behave the Way They Do?

From the article:

*"In my clinical work, I find that a promiscuous individual suffers from low self-esteem and feels that sex is a way to get attention and to feel noticed. Of course, if someone feels smart, happy and loved, they typically will not need to seek out attention in maladaptive ways: They get attention naturally in social environments, at school or at work. In other words, someone with a strong self-esteem gets attention for skills they have naturally or have cultivated — and sexual skills don’t count."

"When it comes to promiscuous adults, they’re promiscuous because a proper self-esteem was not created earlier in life. As they enter their adult years later, they often get stuck in a rut where they keep engaging in the same sexual behavior because it’s familiar and because that is the identity they have developed over the years: someone who sleeps around and gets an emotional high from sexual trysts."*


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Well a better question for me is why anyone idealizes sleeping with a lot of different people. Fact is you get a lot more sex being with a decent partner than being some kind of "player".

It's one of the things I find so contemptuous of the pick up artist groupies. They idealize the legendary player banging a different girl just about every week. Which means he has about 1/7th the amount of sex a person with a decent girlfriend has. 

Not that I believe them anyway. One girl a week would be fifty two in just one year. The top two percent is 30 different partners in an entire _lifetime_. For men, anyway.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> Well a better question for me is why anyone idealizes sleeping with a lot of different people. Fact is you get a lot more sex being with a decent partner than being some kind of "player".


I think it goes back to the low self esteem. They can be mediocre in bed and nobody will be with them long enough to tell them so. They probably have no people skills, so as long as they float from person to person, nobody will have the opportunity to remind them of their flaws.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

People will show low self esteem in various ways. Some show it by always trying to do other people favors so that someone owes them. and variations, thereof.

My low self esteem wasn't evidenced by having sex with different guys all the time. I got the message from my parents that good girls didn't do that. But that good girls were accepting of other things and didn't complain. so my low self esteem was evidenced by the fact that I accepted low treatment in other ways. 

Thanks God, those days are over with.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I understand that there is a rule in dating in which sex should occur on the third date if the woman is truly interested in the guy. I think some women have bought into it. But if they rarely see any guy too many times after the third date, then in a year's time, they could have had sex with 5 or 6 different men. Which sounds like a lot to me.

One thing that I am intrigued by is the possibility that a woman may bed a "10" and then think that she could achieve that for an LTR or marriage. 

I have heard that for easy sex, a lot of men will lower their standards. If the woman involved doesn't know that, she may be turning down perfectly decent guys for LTRs while trying to understand why none of the hot guys are sticking around.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Why Do Promiscuous People Behave the Way They Do?
> 
> From the article:
> 
> *"In my clinical work, I find that a promiscuous individual suffers from low self-esteem and feels that sex is a way to get attention and to feel noticed.*


I find that to be true for people in the Adult Film Industry as well. And yes, its about the money too, but really its more about how they feel about themselves.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Jamison said:


> I find that to be true for people in the Adult Film Industry as well. And yes, its about the money too, but really its more about how they feel about themselves.


Those performers in the adult film industry do seem to be damaged in some way...


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Those performers in the adult film industry do seem to be damaged in some way...


Yes, and low self-esteem can be part of someone being damaged. No not ALL people who suffer from low-self esteem are damaged, but a lot very well may be.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Jamison said:


> Yes, and low self-esteem can be part of someone being damaged. No not ALL people who suffer from low-self esteem are damaged, but a lot very well may be.


Do these performers ever have normal relationships?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Do these performers ever have normal relationships?


I would think there are many who may move on and be able to have normal relationships. Of course that would probably be, after they got out of the industry and got into some counseling to help heal whatever issues they may have had t begin with.


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## camillaj (Aug 3, 2013)

I don't think that's true for adult film performers that they are damaged or have low self-esteem. A lot of them say they are actually doing what they want and are happy and have high self-esteem. Many bisexual femme women only do lesbian scenes because that way they can easily have sex with other hot femme women and they get paid for it as a plus.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

camillaj said:


> I don't think that's true for adult film performers that they are damaged or have low self-esteem. A lot og them say they are actually doing what they want and are happy and have high self-esteem. Many bisexual femme women only do lesbian scenes because that way they can easily have sex with other hot femme women and they get paid for it as a plus.


Read an article not long ago about how some adult performers are paid top dollar to lie and talk about how wonderful the industry is and they they actually like it. Some later came back and told the truth as far as how they really felt, and it wasn't that they liked it. Some newbies may like it in the beginning, but it rarely stays that way.


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## camillaj (Aug 3, 2013)

Jamison said:


> Read an article not long ago about how some adult performers are paid top dollar to lie and talk about how wonderful the industry is and they they actually like it. Some later came back and told the truth as far as how they really felt, and it wasn't that they liked it. Some newbies may like it in the beginning, but it rarely stays that way.


Link?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

camillaj said:


> Link?


As long as its ok to post a link, some people have posted links for them to get taken down.


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## camillaj (Aug 3, 2013)

Jamison said:


> As long as its ok to post a link, some people have posted links for them to get taken down.


 I would like to read the article you referred to. Why would it not be OK to link it? The first post in this thread has a link to an article.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

SaltInWound said:


> I think it goes back to the low self esteem. They can be mediocre in bed and nobody will be with them long enough to tell them so. They probably have no people skills, so as long as they float from person to person, nobody will have the opportunity to remind them of their flaws.


That sounds like it could be linked to having emotional intimacy issues - they're afraid to be rejected if they get close to a person, so they never get close to anybody long enough to develop a relationship and be rejected based on who they are.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I would think there are people in porn who do have high self esteem, Maybe so much so, that it comes across grandoise and perhaps some Narcissistic tendencies. I would think after awhile they would come down off their sense of high self. JMO.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

camillaj said:


> I would like to read the article you referred to. Why would it not be OK to link it? The first post in this thread has a link to an article.


True, I'm just saying some links can get pulled. 

Former Porn Actress Shelley Lubben: Porn is Not Glamorous and Destroys Lives — “I used to brag endlessly to fans and pornographers about how I loved making porn movies. I lied 100% of the time to 100% of the people” | tobefree


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> My sister has slept with 100's of men.
> 
> Recently there was a lifetime movie that was based on a true story about a woman like this. In her case she was molested as a child which is what I think happened to my sister.


100's??? OMG. I guess it depends on your definition of promiscuous. That's definitely it! Wow.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

What is his definition of promiscuous? 

After my disaster of a first marriage and going through a hellish D, I was so not interested in even considering dating but I was at the peak of my sex drive. I'm I guess rare in that after a short amount of time being alone just brings no release. Or it brings a short release and then I'm immediately as horny as I was before. 

So I don't think in cases like that it has anything to do with self esteem. I did try to find partners who were willing to commit to a purely physical thing but that is difficult to find in a very conservative area.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Jamison said:


> I would think there are many who may move on and be able to have normal relationships. Of course that would probably be, after they got out of the industry and got into some counseling to help heal whatever issues they may have had t begin with.


I can not imagine having a long term relationship with a former porn star...although I'm sure it happens and works out...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

When the author drapes the word 'promiscuous' on anyone with multiple sex partners and further prescribes low self-esteem, I'm not interested in what he's selling.

Do we live in an over-sexualized media driven society in the west? We sure do.

Are people that have more than 4 lifetime sex partners (I believe that is the current mean for females) promiscuous and have low self esteem? I don't think so.

Couldn't avoid the interpretation that Dr. Meyers was pointing his 'analysis' of promiscuous directly at young girls aged 16 to 24. Left a bad taste in my mouth.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I have to agree. There's a lot of judging going on based on his own value system.


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## camillaj (Aug 3, 2013)

Jamison said:


> True, I'm just saying some links can get pulled.
> 
> Former Porn Actress Shelley Lubben: Porn is Not Glamorous and Destroys Lives â€” “I used to brag endlessly to fans and pornographers about how I loved making porn movies. I lied 100% of the time to 100% of the people” | tobefree


I've never heard of her but that's because I was 8-9 years old when she's been performing in 1993-1994, that's soon 20 years ago. I'm sure things have changed since. As I see, that article is only from her point of view and not the all telling truth. She states that she used to lie 100% of the time about her work but now she's suddenly telling the truth 15 years later when she has to sell the book she's writing about the subject? She says there is drug and alcohol users in the industry but so is in any other industry, not exclusive to porn (Hollywood, music industry, athletes, body builders etc...). She mentions the porn work is not fun always and can be demanding, degrading or painful; so can be any other work. In fact I think there is lot more other professions which are more abusive to the workers than porn. There is no mention of low self-esteem or damaged people.

What I find funny is this sentence she wrote (she sure has a sense of humor): _"In fact, because porn stars spend a great deal time in front of the camera and never step out of character, they usually have greater acting abilities than mainstream Hollywood actors."_ :rofl:


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

All good points. And she got paid a hell of a lot more than people who do other dirty jobs that are physically demanding and carry a high potential for being exposed to diseases. 
I wonder what the odds are that a medical professional contracts a serious disease at work than a porn star who uses condoms or only does FF scenes. 

I got paid a little more than minimum
wage to work in a hospital where I was actually attacked by a patient, injured my back, had a patient in the last stages of AIDS who was delerious and peeing and spitting every where. 
Nurses are at risk of needle sticks too. 

I guess it just comes down to the fact that she chose it. Unless she was underage or somehow forced into it, that was her decision and she got paid well for it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

There are people who have a high partner count who really just like and want sex, are healthy, aren't cheating, aren't using people, aren't doing things that are "bad" for them or their partner, etc.

Then there are other people who have a high partner count because they are trying to work something out through sex. Sometimes they are successful at this! Sometimes they are not, and they just cycle and circle through partners without growing. The successful ones will typically calm down the sexual activity once they've worked through whatever the issue was.

I have no shame about my current or prior sex life, or my husband's (which was quite a bit more extensive than mine, but mine was pretty extensive). I don't understand why our culture is on one hand "obsessed with sex" and on the other hand, fearful and judgemental of those who actually HAVE their own fulfilled fantasy sex lives.

As near as I can tell from reading, I have more sexual experience and more varied friendships and relationships than the average poster. I love sex, love talking about sex, I am blogging about sex....there is nothing bad in my life surrounding sex. It is a big part of my life. I'm a sex advocate.

I am not saying people should have more partners. I actually think a couple can work out a sex life together that exceeds the quality and quantity of a multiple partner sex life. But what I am saying is that those of use who have had a lot of partners aren't always damaged or acting dangerously.

I do have friends who have acted dangerously. I know what this looks like. But even that doesn't scare me, really. I don't judge them! I love these friends. Some do porn, strip, even sex for pay. I love knowing people who are sex workers. It is fascinating to see that side of life and the humanity of it.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

camillaj said:


> She states that she used to lie 100% of the time about her work but now she's suddenly telling the truth 15 years later when she has to sell the book she's writing about the subject? [/I] :rofl:


I think its because people change. Some people do decide to get out of the industry. I'm familiar with reading about her cause and her work to help get people out of the industry if they want to. Its a good cause. I guess its kinda like people who were once hard core drug addicts but now want to educate and help people get out of that lifestyle, and if its about money and selling books to educate/help people, I guess it just is.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Our culture is obsessed and afraid of sex because of religion IMHO.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I would define someone who was unhealthily promiscuous as someone who
1. had a reputation who preceded them. For women, that means that no one in the present is aware of those from the past unless you told them. And for men, you don't have to too frequently navigate around "psycho exes." 

2. Do you feel alright with yourself. Especially at a young(ish) age, we test our own boundaries. Yes, I had one or two ONS and a few brief relationships when I was in undergrad but that for me, is not the source of my erstwhile lack of self esteem. 

So men or women who have had quickies, ONS or FBs or FWBs, I would not readily assume that they are damaged in any way. In fact, I think it's a good idea that they have experienced these before settling down. then they won't wonder about them.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Or after settling down and it all went to shït.


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## camillaj (Aug 3, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> All good points. And she got paid a hell of a lot more than people who do other dirty jobs that are physically demanding and carry a high potential for being exposed to diseases.
> I wonder what the odds are that a medical professional contracts a serious disease at work than a porn star who uses condoms or only does FF scenes.
> 
> I got paid a little more than minimum
> ...


Indeed, especially a medical profession can be quite damaging to the human mind. I know an older lady who used to work as a medic on an emergency helicopter. They usually get the worst cases. She told stories about where she tried to give mouth to mouth artificial respiration to a dying patient who was bursting bloody vomit from their mouth nonstop all this while trying to keep the patient spilling their guts to the ground from a wound in stomach with her other hand. I'd say she's quite damaged now, she can't even talk about her former work without breaking down. Many doctors have insane working hours and what about surgeons when their patient dies it can't be easy time.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I had male patients say harassing things to me, the African American staff got called racist names by old demented patients, we had patients die, had to safely "take down" children who were physically trying to harm others and were out of control. 
Lots of jobs suck. 

It's just that with sex workers there really doesn't seem to be anywhere to go when they are done. That part of it is dangerous.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

And let's also remember the actors in regular films who get naked because that is their art.

Jennifer Jason Leigh and Len Denham get naked pretty often.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

Simply making a blanket statement that all people with high numbers have been abused is insulting.

I think this is more directed towards women. It's classic **** shaming. I've sadly engaged in this behavior before. But now I know better. If a woman is in full control of her sexuality and wants to share it with me I couldn't care less about her number. If a beautiful woman is crazy about you and stays faithful to you than why worry about numbers?


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

For some people they may feel being with 10 people is
promiscuous, other people may think 3 or more is, anyway
It's just opinions. 

Also if people want to get in the porn business due to high self esteem
or lack there of, good here's a cookie, it's their choice. If people want to
get out of the industry due to a change of heart and to educate others, good, here's a cookie
It's their choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> I have no shame about my current or prior sex life, or my husband's (which was quite a bit more extensive than mine, but mine was pretty extensive). I don't understand why our culture is on one hand "obsessed with sex" and on the other hand, fearful and judgemental of those who actually HAVE their own fulfilled fantasy sex lives.


Hahahahah! Ain't that the truth! 

I don't judge self-styled "players" for having more partners. I judge them for the pretense of having a lot of sex, which they don't. 

And what they have to go through to get it is laughable. With a steady partner, you drop your pants and have sex. The "player" has to put an enormous amount of time and money into it by comparison.

The real cost of that "player" life is time away from your studies in college, or a sport, or work, hobbies, whatever. If that's the way you want to spend your time, fine - just don't pretend to me that you are having a lot of sex, because you aren't. High partner count is not the same thing as having a lot of sex. 

A prostitute, ok - she is having a lot of sex and high partner count. Probably in the thousands over a long career.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Humans are naturally promiscuous. We're just socialized to think it's unhealthy or wrong. IMO, the original post quotes someone with a particular agenda who is ignoring all the biological and anthropological evidence for the true nature of human sexuality.

That said, there are no doubt some people who have a "self esteem" problem who are promiscuous - but I'm pretty sure that there are far, far more people with self esteem issues who are in dysfunctional monogamous relationships.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Or who are repressed.


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## bobbieb65 (Jan 24, 2013)

norajane said:


> That sounds like it could be linked to having emotional intimacy issues - they're afraid to be rejected if they get close to a person, so they never get close to anybody long enough to develop a relationship and be rejected based on who they are.


This describes my husband exactly and I've been dealing with it for 23 years.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*1*. *THEY LOVE * >> the pleasure, the RUSH...they hold the 
Plain Sex view (or Expressive... even the Power view of sexuality....that's its just for FUN, no strings, we are both horny... let's get it on. 

*2*. *Some sleep with the man to WIN HIM to her*... feeling if she does not, he will move on to another willing woman waiting in the wings...and often this does happen! 

I would feel the girls who feel pressured here & do it for these reasons....have a lower self esteem ...in comparison to holding her ground and trusting she has something to offer and if he can't see that.. let him move on... Cause she can find another who will respect her and her comfort level.

*3. **Societal Sexual Peer Pressure*... (Maybe more so in the big cities over smaller Rural Churching towns -like where I grew up)... just seems everyone & their sister is doing it...so if you get a date, this is what "I am suppose to do" - join the real world.. so then you won't get called a D*ck tease, labeled as repressed, Old fashioned, a Prude, called archaic, uptight, some may wonder if you are fruity..and seems being a Good Girl -is not worth anything anymore, but a risk of an uneducated Low Driver who will suck in bed (well actually she won't suck at all!). 

*4*. *Past sexual abuse.*.. This article explains...


> Sexual Abuse / Promiscuity / Avoidance | Healing in the Hurting Places
> 
> When someone has been sexually abused at an early age, how they view sex becomes altered. Instead of the loving bond between a man and a woman that we have been designed for, that physical union becomes marred with painful memories. How an individual reacts and copes to being exposed to a sexual relationship before they were mature enough to understand and handle it will vary from person to person. Having been violated, often repeatedly against their will, teaches a child that sex is not about love; it is about being used and often treated as an object.
> 
> ...


*5*. *Sex addiction *- Thought I'd add this... 3 -6% of Americans are Addicts.. this explains how addiction can interfere with your daily life though, promiscuity does not. 
Sexual Addiction vs Promiscuity |


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> Hahahahah! Ain't that the truth!
> 
> I don't judge self-styled "players" for having more partners. I judge them for the pretense of having a lot of sex, which they don't.
> 
> ...


There is likely a perception on this forum that I'm a player... I'm not, but I think that's the perception; and I do know a few. I am good at pick up - at engaging someone's interest and advancing it forward into a dating or hookup opportunity. My reasons for doing so were partly rooted in self-esteem: I wanted to be more than I was. I didn't like being an introvert, being uncomfortable around women - never knowing what to say - and I believed I should be attracting better looking women than I was.

All of that said, I'm not promiscuous as a result of low self-esteem - if I even fit the definition of promiscuous being used (its relative). There was a time I would go try to pick up someone hot just to see if I could. Would I have met someone otherwise? Absolutely. I didn't want to just meet and settle for someone who was "good enough". Ultimately, I wanted to know what I was doing. Secondly, I wanted to level the playing field from being one that I perceived as heavily favoring women and a rare few men. These were the people who really flexed their ability to choose... whereas I, before jumping out there, was stuck with looking around and waiting for the girl who makes eye contact. Once upon a time, I was so bad that when I did get a look, I couldn't hold it... I'd immediately get nervous and look away, in fact darting my eyes around the room as if I was just looking for someone as opposed to having locked eyes on her. It was pretty bad stuff that thankfully, I was able to change.

So promiscuity wasn't my goal. Rising from obscurity and nervousness was my goal. Learning what I needed to know to increase my attractiveness such that I could be a chooser. Controlling and directing the social environment rather than just trying to navigate and survive it and hope I "get lucky". I never "get lucky" anymore. Today I know what I'm doing and luck has nothing to do with it.

In terms of number, I can average 1 woman a week or more if I want to. Its not really worth the effort. Sexual frequency stays high not because I'm jumping from girl to girl quickly, but because I usually see them for a few weeks. Now, if I had to start from scratch and pickup a new woman every week for a ONS - that's going to be a challenge if I don't lower my standards, but that's not how it plays out. In the real world, I'm talking to about 5 girls I'm interested in and not necessarily dating any of them. Should I decide to date one, I'm still talking to the other 4... they are sort of orbiting "friends" that I know are interested in me. If I lose interest in one, or she loses interest in me, new friends usually replace them. Most often, they end up dating someone else before I ever end up escalating. But there's always about 5 I'm talking to. So I don't need to pick someone up to get laid... I just dial up the "friend" I'm most interested in and hang out with her and escalate it. Sometimes that will turn into a hookup, other times we end up dating.

Now that might sound like a player to many here, but no one is getting played. I'm literally just friendly with them all, until I escalate with one; Much in the same manner that I girl is friendly with a guy even though she knows he's interested in her - yet they don't date. I spent most of my teen years as that guy, forgive me if I see nothing wrong with the role reversal. I don't play them against each other. I don't date one then another, then go back to the first. I don't have any arbitrary limit on how long I'll date them before I need to hookup with someone else. It just doesn't work like that. I date until I don't want to date that person anymore. Besides, most really good looking women are used to having several guys pursuing them... all I've done with my dating life is cultivate it the other way around. 

I certainly don't break up with women to avoid attachment or because I underperform in bed. IMO, that kind of comment is just an immature desire to knock me off the horse someone thinks I'm on. I got attached to a girl with BPD and probably had the worst sexual performance of my life during that relationship... and I STILL miss her and that mess. lol Despite my experience, I'm still performance minded with a fair share of performance anxiety and insecurity. They don't go away, and I just keep it to myself and nobody knows or cares. Nobody needs to know every little thing that goes through my head... and its generally better that way.

I have no idea how many women I've slept with in my life. I don't keep count. I don't care. More than 50 and less than 100? I'll also never claim to have more sex than a married couple with a very active sex life, and its definitely more effort than rolling over and saying "wanna have a go?" lol. I go a couple weeks without here and there. Most often though, I'm dating someone and I'm getting 3-5 times a week just as I desire, or more... with occasional multiples in a day. So sex comes in bursts - Dating a few weeks and you're having frequent sex as most typically do when dating. Then a couple weeks single where you might have a hookup, you might call up your fbuddy or maybe nothing at all before trying out the next relationship. Still, I'd wager I'm having more sex than the average married couple, at least according to Kinsey. I'm nowhere near the apparent TAM average though.  (starting to be disappointed by always being below the TAM average in everything )

I'm more of a serial dater than a player... except that I'm fine not having a girlfriend. On taking too much effort and time... yeah, sometimes it does. lol Its not so much the money as it is the amount of conversational time and joint activities. I'm okay with making some hobby sacrifices for this time... but I'm not cool with nagging that I have independent hobbies (see EX wife). But most of the girls I date are in college and also working, so they often have less time than I do.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> There is likely a perception on this forum that I'm a player...


On this forum the standout feature is cheating. 




> Learning what I needed to know to increase my attractiveness such that I could be a chooser. Controlling and directing the social environment


"Controlling and directing the social environment" sounds so dramatic, and is the kind of grandiose stuff you hear in this arena. 



> In the real world, I'm talking to about 5 girls I'm interested in and not necessarily dating any of them.


That's not including your wife, I take it. 



> I certainly don't break up with women to avoid attachment or because I underperform in bed.


Leaving out that you are married in this story is kind of a huge red flag, isn't it? The ex girlfriend wrote in here, I understand that would be the bipolar girlfriend, to indicate you still live with your wife, and had no intentions of getting divorced.

You did acknowledge in that thread you lied to the girlfriend by saying you were single. Who knows what the truth is at present, but deceiving both a wife and girlfriend for that length of time takes a tremendous amount of resources and dedication. Daily "controlling and directing the social environment". You always have to be on your toes thinking up lies, evasions, diversions, lies to cover up the lies, etc. 

Breaking up with that girlfriend had to do with the untenable situation, so ironically yeah it didn't have to do with fear of attachment or underperformance. But there are issues for sure. Who knows what the truth is at present, but a reasonable person would have a wee bit of doubt that we're getting it.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> "Controlling and directing the social environment" sounds so dramatic, and is the kind of grandiose stuff you hear in this arena.


Grandiose? If you say so. I'm the center of my social group. If there's discussion of going out, and I don't go, odds are no one goes. I'm not reacting to what others are doing when I'm out. Others are reacting to what I'm doing. When someone speaks, guess who they are looking at? In any social group its easy to spot the person directing the flow of activity.

I'm grandiose? haha thanks. 

If you think that's grandiose, you should see my pimp hat.



Wiserforit said:


> That's not including your wife, I take it.


Contrary to the words of a former affair partner of OVER a year ago who literally regularly ends up in the hospital for mental issues (borderline personality disorder), I am NOT married.




Wiserforit said:


> Leaving out that you are married in this story is kind of a huge red flag, isn't it? The ex girlfriend wrote in here, I understand that would be the bipolar girlfriend, to indicate you still live with your wife, and had no intentions of getting divorced.
> 
> You did acknowledge in that thread you lied to the girlfriend by saying you were single. Who knows what the truth is at present, but deceiving both a wife and girlfriend for that length of time takes a tremendous amount of resources and dedication. Daily "controlling and directing the social environment". You always have to be on your toes thinking up lies, evasions, diversions, lies to cover up the lies, etc.
> 
> Breaking up with that girlfriend had to do with the untenable situation, so ironically yeah it didn't have to do with fear of attachment or underperformance. But there are issues for sure. Who knows what the truth is at present, but a reasonable person would have a wee bit of doubt that we're getting it.


I've told the story a dozen times on here with 100% consistency: I cheated on my wife as a cop-out over fear of the dramatic changes that divorce entails. I didn't actually go looking for an affair at first... I fell for a seductive young woman. Full of resentment, I felt no guilt. If my wife wanted to be indifferent to me, fine, I'll get what I want elsewhere. The room mate lifestyle might not have been enough to drive me to divorce, but it definitely opened me up to cheating... something Id had numerous prior opportunities during my marriage to do and always avoided. I eventually met up with borderline girl (not just bi-polar)... borderline is a whole different animal that occasionally loses touch with reality entirely. Look them up.

Borderlines are notoriously charismatic during the "honeymoon" period. I fell in love with her and lied to her while I sorted out what I had gotten myself into and what the hell I was going to do... tell the truth and maybe she leaves AND I'm divorced; I came here, out of desperation really, and from the prompting here I put myself in therapy. I'm glad I did, because prior to that I had placed the blame of losing my wife largely on the heads of my children. Like everyone, I initially blamed my wife for driving me to cheat. No, it is all on me for not having left sooner. While I was in therapy, everything blew up; but neither of the women left me - they fought and I was out of control... indecisive and weak. I eventually decided to leave my wife... and then discovered the dark side of my girlfriend. In spite of it, a part of me is still in love with her.... that's how strong the spell is. She was abusive and a nymphomaniac cheater - karma enough? After much mess and emotional difficulty, I left her.

A month or so later, still seeing my kids, my ex and I continued talking and decided to go to counseling together and see about reconciling. During counseling, I came to the conclusion that things were too far gone... and I had nothing but resentment for her left. Everything about her had become warped into something negative in my mind. She agreed, and didn't know if she could ever feel the same way about me after all the cheating, but wanted to try. I was done, and I'd spent enough time being weak and indecisive. I have been legally divorced for a year now. My friends and I are in fact planning my one year "divorcery" or whatever the latest name is they're giving it. 

I regret having cheated on my wife. I regret having lied to my borderline girlfriend. I'm not sure why I did either, except fear of loss, change and weakness. If I had it all to do over again, I would have left my ex years earlier and I never would have met the other girl. I won't be surprised if I continue to be stalked and insulted for the next couple years... nor will I be the first of her exbfs to receive that treatment. My deception, although lengthy, wasn't particularly masterful nor did it take considerable effort. My girlfriend lived over an hour away. I saw her once or twice a week and occasional weekends and faux business trips over the course of 3 months until everything came out. When it came out, I moved out.

What you believe is entirely up to you. You're a random anonymous person on the internet who is an inconsiderate d!ck to a whole host of people here... people here with problems looking for help, so I don't have any value for what you say or believe. What I've posted here is my counterpoint for others here, whose opinions and beliefs I actually do value, who keep reading your drivel about me.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Why Do Promiscuous People Behave the Way They Do?
> 
> From the article:
> 
> ...


In my opinion (as a highly sexed female who may be overqualified for the term "promiscuous") this is logical but incorrect. It's true of SOME people, but certainly not all. In fact, some studies have shown interesting, very different results: 

The PromiscuousÂ Personality - | - Science of Relationships

Turns Out, Getting Slutty on the First Date Can Actually Lead to Marriage


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Why Do Promiscuous People Behave the Way They Do?
> 
> From the article:
> 
> ...


*

Ahem. This ! As you said it.
Also,keep in mind that what is promiscuous to you may not be promiscuous to another person. A certain number of lovers may sound scandalous for someone, but may be sound normal and reasonable to somebody else. 
The enjoyment of sex is also a factor to consider. HD people are more open to ONS and no strings attached sex just to have their needs taken care of. A lower drive person would just refrain and deny their need at all until they found someone for long term. 
Neither is wrong. People are different. Promiscuity is not the same for all- unless it's prostitution, which is a different story...*


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