# A.Issue.My.Husband.Has



## A.Issue.My.Husband.Has. (Jul 24, 2012)

OK here is the situation. My Dad has a job that he must travel 600 miles for and on his days home he sometimes wont get the call to go back to work for 1 or 2 weeks. My Dad does not have much money as he has to pay my Mom all the child support that he owes still (i'm now 25 years old). And he has rent, groceries, and traveling to and from work to to pay for on top of the child support and the other things he has to buy. So I some times pay for some of his rent, buy him groceries, and drive him to work 600 miles away.

My Husband is not happy about this. He says my Dad owes too many people money, including us. My Husband bought me a bunch of Christmas presents. My Dad called him and asked if he could put his name on a gift and have it from him. He said he had $50 to give my Husband for the favor. My husband gave my Dad a pair of $300. headphones to give to me saying they were $50. my Dad never paid the $50. 

My Husband feels that we owe money on credit cards, mortgage, vehicle loans, and have no savings, investments, education and insurance savings for our Kids. He says we should not be giving to others when we need the money that we work hard for. He feels that Parents give to their Kids and not the other way around when that Parent is a grown Man who is where he is do to the choices he has made in his life and continues to make. If he can afford to smoke, drink, get a job he can afford to travel to, not take public transportation, and visit the Food Bank, then he should lay in the bed he made. 

I disagree he is my Dad and when he needs help I am going to help him. But nothing gets through to my old Husband who is so old fashioned. 

What can I say to my Husband to get it through to him that my Dad is my Dad? I work and if I want to give my money to my Dad that is my business.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

"My Money"???? You are married. Your first obligation is to your husband and to your children. Not your father. If your father still owes child support to your mother for you, that measn he failed to pay her when it was due. Child support is based on income. So I think your husband is right. 

You need to have some savings and investments and see to your childrens needs. It certainly is alright to give a little to Dad if your circustances permit. Sounds like they don't


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

I agree with your husband, you need to put your immediate family first.
Your father still owes your mother child support, you're 25, that should have stopped when you were 18, so if he hasn't caught up by now, I wonder how much longer he has to go. 
Since you're giving your dad money, you're essentially paying for YOUR own child support.
Do you not see a problem with that?
Cut your dad off, he's a grown ass man, you have your own children & husband to care for.

Family shouldn't get an automatic pass for bad behavior by using the excuse of "BUT he's my dad, she's my mother, they're my siblings."
That just enables the family member to continue their behavior & actually does little to help them in the long run.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

A.Issue.My.Husband.Has. said:


> OK here is the situation. My Dad has a job that he must travel 600 miles for and on his days home he sometimes wont get the call to go back to work for 1 or 2 weeks. My Dad does not have much money as he has to pay my Mom all the child support that he owes still (i'm now 25 years old). And he has rent, groceries, and traveling to and from work to to pay for on top of the child support and the other things he has to buy. So I some times pay for some of his rent, buy him groceries, and drive him to work 600 miles away.
> 
> My Husband is not happy about this. He says my Dad owes too many people money, including us. My Husband bought me a bunch of Christmas presents. My Dad called him and asked if he could put his name on a gift and have it from him. He said he had $50 to give my Husband for the favor. My husband gave my Dad a pair of $300. headphones to give to me saying they were $50. my Dad never paid the $50.
> 
> ...


WOW! 

"Mind your own business" Really?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Ah, how hard it must be to let go of a parent who has trained you to enable them!

But really, for your Dad's sake, you must stop. He will never, ever take responsibility for himself if you don't. And yes, he might not take responsibility even if you DO stop enabling him, but that is the risk you must take.

And chances are very, very good that he will simply find someone else to enable him, anyway, so don't feel at all guilty. He has managed to survive this long w/o your support, right? So tell him you are done. You cannot afford it. Otherwise, you will be the one burdening your own kids in the future, and expecting them to dole out $$ to you. Do you want to be that kind of parent? Probably not.

You can still love your dad for what is truly good in him while understanding his faults. Work to get to that point.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

What would your mother say? I suspect she'd agree 100% with your husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Your husband is correct. Your primary responsibility is to your husband, your marriage, your relationship with him, your family with him.

You are enabling your father. You do not need to be his rescuer. Stop. You're not helping him by giving him money this way. You may think you are, but you're not. It's only going to hurt your father in the long run because he'll always have you to be his bank when he needs extra cash. You really drive your dad to a job 600 miles away? Wow. That's a long drive. 
What would be better is to help your dad brainstorm ways of cutting down expenses, maybe bringing in some extra cash other than from you, figuring out if there's a way to lower the monthly support he owes. Those are better for him than a handout. 

Also, when you get married there is no "this is my money." You have a shared life, shared assets, shared debts, shared everything. You can have the attitude of "mind your own business, I'll do whatever I want with the money from my job," but in the long run that's going to breed resentment in your partner and poison the marriage.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Stop creating two threads for each question. I now you're trying to increase the odds of finding some misguided marriage unaware immature persona that agrees with you instead of your husband. But one thread is really enough. If there is such a person he/she will find it.

You seem to have a fundamental flaw in a married person. You seem to have no idea of what a marriage is. That is patent enough in both the questions you placed here.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

He drinks and smokes and you still give him money? He doesn't need help from you, he needs to stop wasting his money a d learn to budget. 
He needs to get a different job or a second job. He's a grown man and is making you feel guilty for paying child support. That's so sad.
Your husband is right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

umm... hello... how old is your dad? you said he's working but he has no money because he owes child support from when you were a kid. he was irresponsible then.. and he's irresponsible now. you're just perpetuating the situation. you're helping him pay his debt that he owes to YOU (and your mom). 

he's taking advantage of you by having you assume his financial responsibilities. he's taking advantage of you and and your hubs is watching.. that's why he has issues.. its not because of 50 bucks. just because he's your dad doesnt make him a good person.. and if you ask me... a dad that did not pay support when he was supposed to and takes advantage of his daughter financially is NOT a good person. even love for your parents isnt unconditional.. if they're bad people.. they deserve to be treated as such.


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