# I didn't know I was separated



## IsntLifeFun (Jul 16, 2011)

Been married 20 years, together 21. two young kids. 12 years ago I had an affair without sex. I told my wife about it, and she pretty much ended the affair behind my back I think.
Three months ago I found my best friend from high school after not having heard from her in 16? years. We started talking and catching up, etc. About 5 weeks ago my wife asked if I wanted a divorce. I soon found out why. She had received an anonymous letter at work that claimed that I was 'getting hot & heavy' with someone in a parking lot. It's true that when my friend and I met up we gave each other a good long hug, but that we were hot & heavy is a stretch of the imagination. Regardless, I don't care much about that at the moment.
Two days later (after getting the letter), (throughout a heated debate) she suggested that we get separated but that I should stay home during the week to raise the kids until next year when our youngest is in a full day of school. On the weekends I could do whatever I wanted.
From that moment on, she gave my the silent treatment with a side dish of no touching. Nearly 2 weeks later I actually realized that we were separated. I guess I'm a bit slow on the uptake.
Up until that point I had been seeing my friend from high school (Lynn) about once every week or two. She's been helping me a lot so far, but I don't want to overburden her (so I'll do it here).
I haven't seen Lynn for 3 1/2 weeks. On the upside? my wife is at least civil now.
When she's home she dominates the time with the kids, and that leaves me so incredibly alone. I feel like a ghost walking on eggshells. 
This isn't living, it's existing. I'm not happy, and I don't know what to do. I'm alone.

That's the gist of it. There's more to both sides, but I don't have the energy to think it all over again.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

I'm sorry to say that you brought this on to yourself, and I'm having a hard time feeling sorry for you.

12 years ago, you had an affair? With or without sex doesn't matter and it looks like your wife forgave you for that one blunder!

Now you're associating with an ex friend (and I don't care if she was your best friend, girlfriend or lover) and you want your wife to go on as if it's not a big deal?

I think you'd better get your priorities straight or you're heading into something worse than this separation.

You're alone ... and you're wondering why? You're not only slow but you don't seem to have learned from the first blunder!


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Sorry ILF but I agree with kauiguy. I am not sure what it is you are asking on here. If u are just venting, then great! But i wouldn't expect to get much support on ur actions. I mean, unless there is something else you left out of ur post, you asked for this yourself. Your wife isn't asking for the separation, you gave it to yourself. If u care about having a chance to save ur marriage, it's time to forget about the friend, go to counseling and you better be good at asking for forgiveness and following through - forever, on promises. Otherwise, let ur wife off the hook. It sounds like she has paid enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IsntLifeFun (Jul 16, 2011)

Well thanks for the compassion. As I said I didn't finish both sides.
I didn't want to come off as bashing my wife for all her faults. I guess I succeeded. I have sex maybe 8 times a year for over six years, I have no control over finances, I'm a stay at home dad that does ALL the housework and yardwork with no thank yous or appreciation (I know that's common), I've been there for her w/o support from her family during her cancers & through the eight near deaths she's had (you want hospital tips let me know), and...just forget it. So excuse me if I'm feeling a little alone in light of the commitment I've made. Yes, I'm feeling underappreciated, unloved, and unwanted. I found my friend who I can confide in. Apparently people aren't allowed to have friends of the opposite sex in this society.

So thanks anyway for slapping me in the face when I'm down.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Man, i just type a super long post and accidently hit the delete button. You didnt mention any of that in ur first post. I can understand. The short of it for me:

36 years together
She is diagnosed with incurable but treatable lung cancer
We spend 13 months in and out of hospitals every other day.
She gets well and tells me she wants a divorce.

Yeah, i get u man, and i understand. Will post more later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

IsntLife, I think it is perfectly normal and healthy to have friends of the opposite sex! I think the two posters above thought you were having an emotional affair with your friend. I'm trusting that you aren't. I do see how your wife would be terribly worried however, if you had a past affair. 12 years ago is a long time, things can be forgiven but are rarely forgotten, your wife is probably a little more than scared that you are hanging around this other woman. 

You're not happy, and dont know what to do...the first thing you have to figure out is what you want. Do you want to save your marriage? 

Please come back and post. You can vent all you want, and I don't think they were trying to be rude to you. This site is a really great tool to get all your feelings and emotions out in the open, have others weigh in on your situation and get the support you need. It has helped me immensely, it can help you too.


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## secondtime (Jul 18, 2011)

From someone whose lived through a similiar situation, I have to say that I watched my first wife die from cancer and it was hell. Are you afraid to see this happen to yours, so you're sabataging your marriage?

Also from someone whose 2nd wife cheated on him, did she say she wanted to separate because you wouldn't stop seeing your 'friend'? Thats when we separated. It's been hell on the kids. Are you being honest about how you feel about this other girl? Did you tell your wife when you met her again? 

Good for you for being a stay at home dad (I assume you both agrred to this and you're not just unemployed). Has your wife always dominated the time with the kids when she's home to give you abreak, or is this just a recent development? Do you want to save your marriage? How old are your kids?


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I hope he does get back on here. My first reply was in response to his opening thread, it wasn't complete. I hope he didn't get so offended that he misjudges this forum. I do know how it felt being unappreciated; I think we all do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IsntLifeFun (Jul 16, 2011)

A few years ago I counted up the near deaths my wife has had. I came up with 8, from near misses in car accidents (and guardian angels telling her when to move out of the way), cancer, head trauma, miscalculation of meds, MRSA after childbirth, you know.
I hate to be the *******, but I do not want to go through it again. People add up their hours spent in ER waiting rooms, I'm 40 and I can add up a lot more than that. Currently it's precancer melanoma, so she gets body scans and has anything questionable removed. An ovary lump that's being monitered, and a breast lump recently discovered (just a cyst).
When her meds where messed up (no ones fault) and her heart rate was 180 or so, ER wasn't able to do anything, she had to ride it out. I decided to look uo the circumstances...she had a 33% mortality rate. That rattled me. Especially for being the calm level headed person I thuoght I was.

The affair 12 years ago started as an escape that went beyond anything I could have forseen. 
Am I looking for an escape now? IDK, probably. I don't know. Am I sabotaging my marriage? Again IDK. I think now after her separating from me, I would like to try to make it easier for her to find fault in me. 

Finding my friend after having lost touch with her for 16 years gave me relief from being so alone for so long. I finally had someone to talk with during the day. Someone I could unload with. She is my best friend. Yes I understand people get upset that your spouse is supposed to be your best friend. Well, maybe that should tell you something, not only about me but many couples. Lynn is married (2nd time) with 3 kids and lives 90 minutes away. The last time I saw here was 4? weeks ago. Do I have feelings for her? All best friends have love for one another. I was in love with her a long time ago in High School, but that went away. My wife knew about that.
After about 6 weeks of being friends again, my wife told me we we're separated (actually I thought she suggested it, for me to think about it) and she gave me the silent treatment for 2 weeks. that was hell. Then she gave me an ultimatum, no contact with Lynn, or stay separated. 
After two weeks of 'no-contact' with my wife, she made it easy for me to see things. I didn't know how jealous she was. I didn't know how little compassion she had for me. I didn't realize how much control she had over me. And I didn't want a wife that gave me an ultimatum. She assumed everything.
I think of the burning building scenario, who would I rescue, wife or Lynn? I'd rescue my wife. That said I've realized a lot about her and myself. We're moving apart. I just want it to be with as little hurt as possible.

Anyway, how many times can you watch your spouse alomst die before you're allowed to throw in the towel? How can you watch and read about married couples sex lives and know yours falls way short? We've had 4 cars in 21 years, and I didn't get to pick one even when she said I could. I didn't choose the house we're in, I told her it was too small for kids, but here we are. I had a vesectomy so she wouldn't have to get tubes tied. We have even less sex.

Am I allowed to ***** and moan for my predicament, or am I being selfish?
Selfish or not I'm done.

I just need to deal with being alone and the possible (inevitable) divorce, and how to make a living. We both want me to be here during the week for the kids. Everyone tells me to consider the kids. 

Sorry for the length, I'll likely be back. Thanks for not giving up on me.


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## IsntLifeFun (Jul 16, 2011)

PS, Lynn's been good for me and my marriage, although I wouldn't bring that up to my wife. Among other things, Lynn has talked my out of trying to find sexual release from another woman (no one in particular).

I'm really sorry to hear about those with spouses that have/have had cancer. Every time I hear or sense that possibility recurring, my body goes into defense mode. I can feel my insides move, and I tense up to protect from the oncoming information. It'd be nice if it were like tv, cause then it'd be all over within the hour, or House would come up with his weekly miracle cure.

People look at me strangely when I tell them I don't watch the news because it's too depressing. Well hell, walk a year in our shoes and you might understand real pain sitting helpless to do anything.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Oh man, ILF, I can relate to much of your story. The thing is that for me it was that I hurt so deeply for her that I wished I could take her place. I have loved her and she has been my better half since we were both 14 years old. With that said, during her term fighting this terrible disease, there were several time that I felt exactly how you were feeling. In between the prayers, crying, pleading to God not to take her from me, I was lonely and, I was ashamed because I wanted good, healthy female company so I can have some ray of joy if at least for a short while.

But, I would come back to my heart and the pain that I felt deep down inside. The suffering was, well you know, unimaginable if you haven't been through it. As a matter of fact, you are feeling what many cancer spouses feel after an extended period of time waiting and wondering. Even now when she has her follow up visits, I get anxiety and worry. That, after she told me SHE wanted a divorce. For her, it may have been different than your wife because she is healthy enough now to have a life and a healthy sexual relationship. I think she wanted out so she can experience things she never had before. I think she is also coming to her senses about all the people in her life who love her dearly and were sad and hurt for us. She underestimated the pain and resentment of our kids; but they healing from their grieving now.

So, I can't say that my situation went as far as yours for actually finding another woman to talk to during that time (I think I was too ashamed to admit that went through my mind) but now I am thankful that I have one more oppertunity to live and finish my life with her. If it doesn't happen, then I can move on, but at least I tried everything I could - she is worth it when she isn't being a total b****tch! Which was quite often for a while before our date of separation almost 4 months ago.

I can't opine on what you should do but it sounds to me as if your wife has been through an awful lot and I wonder if you have sat down with her and talked about her attitude and demeanor towards you. I know that being near death ill make you very irritated and mad at the world and maybe you were the only one she could release some of tension and pain on. I don't say this is right but then I think after everything you have been through that you can understand her actions. Still I would have a talk with her (if you still care about your M) and lay down some terms and let her know how you have felt all along. I think if she understands (and cares) about losing her supporter/caregiver then she needs to be more caring and affectionate.

How awful and sad these illnesses are. They rob you of your life both physically, mentally and emotionally. Many people don't understand how horrible that is.

I was SHOCKED after all we went through that my W dropped the D word on me. I was SHOCKED. Once I got over the shock - I WAS PISSED beyond words. But I held my own, showed integrity for my kids sake and tried to move on. Yes, we had words but I think we were both under a lot of pressure.

Truth be told, I feel like have become a different person now - a better person. These kind of things are what makes us resilient and enable us to become more understanding human beings on many levels no matter which way we decide to go. I hope the best for you and your W, your kids and Lynn. I understand that you have a life also, and I am sure your wife does too. Part of my wife's grieving for her illness when she was fighting this sickness was for the kids and me. She said to me once during that time that she wants me to lead a happy life, and to move on without her and do whatever I needed to be happy. I sobbed so much that day - I was angry at her for saying that but knew in the back of my mind that it was a possibility. "Cancer changes everything" - you know the tagline. These last two years I have learned how to love deeper than ever. That includes my family, friends, and even strangers in general. That is why I have the quote down below.


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## mcmel (Jul 20, 2011)

For better or for worse... rememeber those words? Apparantly not if you're wallowing in self pity when your wife has had cancer. What is wrong with you? Your partner in life, mother of your children and supposed-to-be- love of your life has gone through so much and all you can think about is how much time you've wasted supporting her by being in the ER with her???? My goodness. If you're this selfish about her being, in your words, "near death", I can only imagine how selfish you are with everything else... 

How much time has she spent supporting you? Did you work before you had kids? I imagine there's a reason she's working and you're not. Call me old fashioned, but it sounds like there's something a little fishy there... were you not able to keep a job? Unwilling? If you just wanted to be a good Dad, kudos to you - but in my experience, most men would rather be out in the work force providing for their family. 

You get no thank yous for being a spouse and parent? You poor thing! How many thank yous have you given her for working? How much appreciation do you show her for eaning a living so that you CAN stay home to raise your children? You do all the house work and cleaning? She works... 'nuff said - it's a wash. For many many many years, when one person works and the other doesn't, the person working handles the finances. Get over yourself. 

I'm so sick of hearing men who hit a certain age and realize they're not where they thought they'd be say it's their partner's fault. Did she hold a gun to your head to stay at home? Did she put your heart into the other woman's hands? 

If the first cheating epsiode was so long ago, I would think there's something more than a super long hug or an anonymous letter to make her think you're cheating! How much quality time do you spend with Lynn vs. your wife? Your kids? 

You feel alone being home all day with 2 small children? Then you must not be doing it right. I'm a stay at home Mom and my family are my friends.

You've only had sex 8 times in 12 months with 2 small kids, her being sick and you being completely selfish in everything else? You should cound yourself lucky. The fact that you talked with Lynn about going else where to "release" yourself is SICK. Have you tried talking with YOUR WIFE??? Do you talk like this to her with the kids around???? 

It sounds like you need to really figure out who you are and what you're all about. To me you sound entitled and whiney. Please do everyone a favor - don't punish your wife and kids for your own, internal personal issues. And quit blaming everyone else. ONLY YOU ARE RESPONISBLE FOR YOU.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

ILF, mcmel's comment is certainly a little heated, and to a point I can understand why. Recently you came into contact with a woman from your past, and even though it may not be romantic or sexual there is a bond and you have become invested in that relationship and it excludes your W. Since that recontact your marriage has been undoing, your W is rightfully feeling threatened and you need to realize your feelings for Lynn, even though they may not be sexual, are enabling you to withdraw your work on your marriage.

You really do need to decide if you want to be in the marriage or not and only you can answer that question, but the problem is your judgement is being partially affected by this emotional bond with this "new" woman in your life. It is great to have a friend who supports you, but does she really support your marriage or is she an enemy and enabler who would enjoy seeing you walk from it in order to get more time with you to herself?

Get some IC, minimize or competely stop contact with Lynn until that attachment is not clouding your judgement and decide if you really want to remain married - it sounds like your W is ready to call it quits if you do, so unless you are going to be a proper H set her free.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Lon said:


> ILF, mcmel's comment is certainly a little heated, and to a point I can understand why. Recently you came into contact with a woman from your past, and even though it may not be romantic or sexual there is a bond and you have become invested in that relationship and it excludes your W. Since that recontact your marriage has been undoing, your W is rightfully feeling threatened and you need to realize your feelings for Lynn, even though they may not be sexual, are enabling you to withdraw your work on your marriage.
> 
> You really do need to decide if you want to be in the marriage or not and only you can answer that question, but the problem is your judgement is being partially affected by this emotional bond with this "new" woman in your life. It is great to have a friend who supports you, but does she really support your marriage or is she an enemy and enabler who would enjoy seeing you walk from it in order to get more time with you to herself?
> 
> Get some IC, minimize or competely stop contact with Lynn until that attachment is not clouding your judgement and decide if you really want to remain married - it sounds like your W is ready to call it quits if you do, so unless you are going to be a proper H set her free.


I do agree with Lon on most of this. You need to decide whether it's Lynn or your wife.

But I also understand how difficult it is to go through what you are going through. I did everything that Lon said on here and the other poster, I am and always have been committed to my marriage and my wife. I think though, like I said before, unless folks have been through this with their spouse, they can't understand - I've been on both sides. There is a reason that statistics show for divorce rates higher among certain cancer patients; anyone can go online and see the reports as to why. And woman are 6 times more like then men to get divorced (with cancer). Basically, you have to be willing to make changes in many instances with respect to intimacy, sex, physical attraction, change of life patterns. Many of your hopes and dreams are impacted, so you have to adjust to giving them up. There are many caregivers out there that are willing to alter and readjust their lives for their SO (as I am/was because I LOVE HER, it's that simple) but there are those that cannot deal with this gigantic sacrifice and loss - so they separate or leave their spouse. I do not condone abandoning your loved one, never, but after knowing what I know, I cannot bring myself to criticize anyone who does not want to give up whatever there is left of their happiness to live in grief, because that is what cancer patients and their spouses have to do on many occasions. For those of you on here that didn't quite get it the first time here it is again - the tagline for this illness is "CANCER CHANGES EVERYTHING."

I know this sounds cruel and insensitive, like I said, this isn't me and it never will be, but I can completely understand the amount of sacrifice this takes. Imagine taking an unhappy, unaffectionate marriage, add the fact to it that you know it more than likely will never change, add the work and caretaking that goes into it, no sexual relationship (almost nonexistant at best you can hope for) and then decide to stay in it. Now this is not true for all cancer nor for everyone, but is the case with several types of cancer. It takes more courage and sacrifice than most people will ever know or can imagine.

With all that said ILF, you need to make a decision and not cheat or string your wife along. What she has faced is far worse than whatever it is you have faced, I am sure you know that, but decide on what it is you want to do. If your vows mean anything to you and you can come to terms with the life you have and the hand you and your wife have been dealt, then you can work to make changes in your relationship where you two my be able to find some joy again. I also know the emotional and mental strain of not being able to make long term plans, you feel like you can't have any dreams for your future, everything looks hopeless, but you know what - anything is possible with help and grace of the Lord.

BTW, my W also severely broke her knee in 2004 (split her kneecap in half, the upper part of her knee was up in her thigh when I met her at the ER), that injury also was a life changing accident. Dealing with the court system for workman's comp for over a year, etc. It was another traumatic event for us. I am saying this because you mentioned multiple injuries and near death occurrances over the years. Yeah, I know, when it rains it pours. Believe it or not, some people have it worse so be thankful you are both still alive.

I sure wish cherokee would get on here and contribute some of her thoughts.


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## IsntLifeFun (Jul 16, 2011)

Wow, I really had no idea that this forum was for bashing people that have made choices they don't approve of.
Especially coming from apparently perfect people who seem to know a lot more about my own situation that I do. And I don't want anyone's [email protected]#king pity! 

I am not here to spell out everything for any troll with a vendetta that comes along. Go handle your own life instead of feeding off of others!

As for the cheating accusation...when the hell did I say I was cheating! having a friend to confide is not cheating! If it were then everyone on this forum is cheating.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

ILF, no need to get overly defensive, if you disagree with someone's opinion on here either voice your disapproval or ignore it. Nobody on here is perfect, in fact we are all here for selfish reasons - we are here to try to validate ourselves either to grow or to find strength in ourselves. I don't think any (well, most) are here to attack you, and I think most are genuinely giving advice based on our own experiences and hoping it works out better for someone else.

If you disagree with me, what then is the reason you really came to post here? You said you were not happy, and so people here have offered you various advice. Ultimately you can't change anyone but yourself, so if you want life to change then only you have the ability to make it happen.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Simmer down, everyone. LOL. 

InstlifeFun: Have you been served with separation/divorce papers? Either way, my advice is to find a job so you can have a source of income.

Your wife was probably upset because she was told you were having an affair with the HS friend and you still stayed in touch with her (I think anyone would prob feel upset).


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## mcmel (Jul 20, 2011)

Actually, I believe he is speaking to me... "12 years ago I had an affair without sex."... YOU said you were cheating. "The affair 12 years ago" Or are you going for a Bill Clinton defense? Cheating is cheating. Heart. mind or soul. Ask ANY woman. 

And YOU asked for any "troll" (I like to think of my self more as a wood nymph) to respond when you posted. 

And YES, I DO disapprove of your life style of quitting your commitment to your wife and kids (by loss of commitment to your wife). 

I'm sorry you feel bashed. If you don't want to feel that way, don't be a pinata. You're bringing it on with your own actions. Same as what your wife is responding to. 

I tend to get protective of the weak, and attack the offenders. I have no vendetta. Forgive me for standing up for someone you yourself said is ill.

And I DO NOT PITY YOU DEAR SIR, I feel sorry for you. Sorry you're in denial, sorry you seem to think more of your self than your family and sorry you feel the need to get validation from strangers for something you obviously know is wrong:
"Selfish or not I'm done." , "Am I looking for an escape now? IDK, probably. I don't know. Am I sabotaging my marriage? Again IDK. I think now after her separating from me, I would like to try to make it easier for her to find fault in me." 

Look in the mirror, not at everything else but.


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## secondtime (Jul 18, 2011)

"Lynn's been good for me and my marriage."

Really? Since you so vehemently deny that there's anything goin on between you two, I think you need to look up the definition of Emotional Affair.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

IsntLifeFun said:


> Wow, I really had no idea that this forum was for bashing people that have made choices they don't approve of.
> Especially coming from apparently perfect people who seem to know a lot more about my own situation that I do. And I don't want anyone's [email protected]#king pity!
> 
> I am not here to spell out everything for any troll with a vendetta that comes along. Go handle your own life instead of feeding off of others!
> ...


If this is directed at me - I never said you were definitely cheating, what I said was "cheat OR string your wife along." You are doing one or the other.

And really? The only one on this thread so far that understands and sees why you would need the support of another woman, and you are implying that I am a cheater? Why did you come on here then if you are going to be agonistic towards varying opinions - and some, like mine, in empathy of your situation.

Man, don't make me mcmel your azz!

See, now I am just trying to lighten up the thread a bit. :rofl:


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

IsntLifeFun said:


> Well thanks for the compassion. As I said I didn't finish both sides.
> I didn't want to come off as bashing my wife for all her faults. I guess I succeeded. I have sex maybe 8 times a year for over six years, I have no control over finances, I'm a stay at home dad that does ALL the housework and yardwork with no thank yous or appreciation (I know that's common), I've been there for her w/o support from her family during her cancers & through the eight near deaths she's had (you want hospital tips let me know), and...just forget it. So excuse me if I'm feeling a little alone in light of the commitment I've made. Yes, I'm feeling underappreciated, unloved, and unwanted. I found my friend who I can confide in. Apparently people aren't allowed to have friends of the opposite sex in this society.
> 
> So thanks anyway for slapping me in the face when I'm down.



OK take it for what its worth...

Do you have a career? How would you support your kids if your wife actually passed away? Get back to work if you can, sort out your feelings for your "old friend" and begin to develop some self worth. Seriously, you sound just like an under appreciated house wife. Is that how you view yourself?


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

IsntLifeFun said:


> Wow, I really had no idea that this forum was for bashing people that have made choices they don't approve of.
> Especially coming from apparently perfect people who seem to know a lot more about my own situation that I do. And I don't want anyone's [email protected]#king pity!
> 
> I am not here to spell out everything for any troll with a vendetta that comes along. Go handle your own life instead of feeding off of others!
> ...


I'm not sure I totally follow but I would suggest that you definitely limit your contact with Lynn. Do not have sex while separated because it can complicate things. As for your wife, I don't know if she wants to work it out or not. On the one hand she's jealous on the other she doesn't seem to want to be with you. In some states separation starts when you stop having sex. So keep in mind if you're headed for divorce it can be a factor. If she's withholding intimacy, you have grounds for abandonment.

All that said, if she seems to want to stay together get help. Better to work through your problems and save your marriage than to let it die. If it's headed for divorce then be sure you understand what that means for you two and for anyone else in your life, friend or lover.


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## secondtime (Jul 18, 2011)

Ha. What are the chances, I googled his name to see if he hit any other boards. And I felt bad for him. Now I feel bad for his wife. WTH 

From :

Newbie Poly - Polyamory.com Forum

I'm 40 and have been married for quite a while now. We're recently separated. My wife wont tolerate the idea of polyamory (it's what cheaters tell themselves).
My friend Lynn of 20 years realized we are and always have been in love. She's married to Steve. She loves him but no one wants to hurt anybody. She finally got up the nerve to tell him about us and our feelings. He took it relatively well compared to how most people are taught to react. 

So we all got together to share feelings and anxieties. That was a long day! But extremely productive. Steve realizes that Lynn wants to be with us both, and will be unhappy if that can't happen, and we'd both be unhappy w/o her. He also wasn't deluded that because of our feelings, it'd eventually lead to Lynn and I making love.

We talked about jealousy, and from what I read jealousy stems from some fear, anxiety, or insecurity. Steve had some problems when Lynn gave me affection. I know Steve and Lynn were holding back from me, so I told Lynn that I'd rather face that now than have it become a bigger problem later. You know what? When they were affectionate, at first it was a little hard for me, but I reminded myself that that doesn't mean she loves me less or there is a competition and that I know when she is with me, she really is with me.
That made it ok, better than ok, it was good. I didn't have those fears & insecurities. I told Steve about them too, which I think helped him too.

We moved inside to the couch, and sat some more, and gradually let ourselves be more openly affectionate, kissing, caressing, and holding. We nodded off a few times against each other, and eventually we all went to bed...the same bed with Lynn in between. We all woke up the next day...and all of us were the happiest we'd been in a long time.
---
I'm pretty sure I'm poly myself, because I generally have little problem with jealousy, and of most the girls I've fallen in love with, I still do. I understand loving more than one person at a time. It's easy for me. I've been fighting with myself my entire married life because of it too. Being raised believing monogamy is the only possible way (and a wife that reinforces that, despite her own 'mistake' before we met). With that idea and carrying around the guilt because of it...that's not life, it's existing.

Well, here I am. We haven't classified ourselves yet (primary/primary, primary/secondary). We'll play it by ear. We're all new and planned on taking things slow..until we ended up sleeping in the same bed...um that wasn't expected, but it was welcomed by all of us. Now we're all wondering was that a dream? Did all that really happen?

So, hi everybody.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

secondtime said:


> Ha. What are the chances, I googled his name to see if he hit any other boards. And I felt bad for him. Now I feel bad for his wife. WTH
> 
> From :
> 
> ...


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Well, I doubt he'll be back. We'll see. :nono:


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Dayum, Second Time! Clearly you are harnessing the spirit of Peter Falk. Your sleuthing abilities are amazing.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Why do you get to do whatever you want on weekends? lol doesn't she needs a break too?

You got yourself into this situation....sorry, but you did. You're lucky your wife didn't toss you out on your arse.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, ew. Just saw that 2nd post from the OP. Serves you right then.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

That's why I never posted a second reply. I just had a feeling that there was something more to his thread than met the eye.

And he was really trying hard to find people here to side with him and justify his actions.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

The whole situation is just eeewww. Using his wife's illness as justification. How on Earth can someone have the audacity to ask when he can throw in the towel after dealing with his wife's cancer is beyond me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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