# Is it a thing now, that you can't let boys babysit children?



## Theseus

My wife has this attitude. Actually, she doesn't want our daughters to sleep over at a friends house, if only a father is going to be there, but not the mother. I think that's ridiculous, but it looks like it's not just her - a lot of people have this attitude. This recent letter (copied from a web site below) really got me steamed. 

Is It Normal Not to Hire Boys as Babysitters? : Free Range Kids

Dear Free-Range Kids: I recently had a strange conversation with a friend. He and I have known each other for nearly 25 years, we are both married (to other people ;-). I have a son who is almost 13, he has a daughter who is 7. I said, “Hey, you know, we four (meaning he and his wife, and me and my husband) could actually all go out together some evening because my son could very easily babysit your daughter!” Frankly, it’s hardly babysitting. She’s SEVEN. Seven-year-olds don’t need a lot of “personal assistance,” they just need someone a little older to hang out with who would know what to do if there were an emergency. I think the biggest problem would be that they stayed up past bedtime, ate too much snack food, and played too much Flappy Birds while we were out.
Now, he has known my son for a long time. He knows what kind of kid he is. However, my friend’s immediate reaction was: “Oh, no, we would never have a boy babysit our daughter.”
What? Did I hear you right?
*“No, my wife would never permit a boy to babysit our daughter. It’s not safe.”*
I know that he and his wife disagree on a lot of issues, so since he is a man, who was once a boy/tween/teen, I was really surprised that he was in lock-step with this bizarre assumption. What on earth? What does he think my son is going to do to his daughter? Is he implying that he thinks my son is a child molester? Or that all “tween” boys are felons?
Is this typical, or just one family’s paranoia? Have you addressed this issue before? (If so, send me the link to your blog post!)
Not sure whether to be bewildered or insulted, so sign me, Bewildered/Insulted Mom

_Dear B/IM: Well, I’d be insulted but not bewildered because we are living in a society beset by worst-first thinking (thinking up the worst case scenario first, and proceeding as if it’s likely to happen), as well as predator panic. So here’s what I wrote about the male babysitter topic a while back. But really what I want to say is how extremely sorry I am that your friends are so blinded by fear they can’t even see what’s in front of them: your son. – L_


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## Malpheous

I've encountered it and found it to be quite narrow-minded and ludicrous. When I divorced my first wife there were a few of my daughter's friends that no longer came around. Through conversations with the parents, etc, it came to my attention that I was apparently not to be trusted because I was a single male. I found it strange since my ex trusted me with our daughter. Her family did as well. The GAL recommended I have full custody. The Judge inquired and was inclined to follow the GAL's recommendation. But I was seen as not fit to have kids come around and hang out with my daughter any more. Now what those same parents weren't aware of apparently, was that when my ex and I were married and the same kids were around, my wife typically wasn't. If she was around she was in an altered state most the time; so basically not there. Now the really funny part is that my daughter's friends always saw me as another 'pops'. So they've stayed in touch over time. When they needed to talk with 'pops' they've contacted me. They've returned now that I've remarried. 

Some people just don't have the social graces of a child. Sad. Sad but true.


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## kag123

I never had a male babysitter growing up, and when I was growing up I had some friends with single moms or divorced parents...that would never be around to hang out when it was their time with dad (and mom always had primary custody). It was just a cultural thing I guess that women were the primary caregivers including babysitting. I honestly always assumed that men/boys just weren't interested in child care when I was younger. 

Then I met my now husband, and to my surprise he took on part time babysitting gigs while he was in college to earn some extra money! His mom is and always has been an in - home daycare provider (runs a center out of her house) and he grew up watching his mom and helping to take care of the younger kids. The kids parents liked him so much that many of them hired him for weekend babysitting when they needed it. 

It was right then that I realized my bias, where it came from and how unfounded it was. He was excellent with kids...better than most moms I'd grown up around. 

Personally, now that I have my own children, all that's important to me when they want to go over a friends house is that I know BOTH parents and trust them BOTH equally. (Or one, if it's a single parent). I think its kind of absurd to think that a father would somehow be less capable of childcare. In fact I tend to see time with men as a kind of commodity for my children...there are inherent differences in the way a man tends to interact with children. Those that my kids have spent time with coddle less, helicopter less, and seem to instill more confidence in them when they are together. I like that they are more matter-of-fact and treat my kids with respect and teach them how to earn it. 

In the case of the OP, I might be reluctant to have a 13yr old babysitting my kids due to his age more so than his gender. But if I knew the kid well and knew he was mature and responsible that would change. A 13yr old you know personally is a lot different than picking a random neighbors kid to babysit. 

It's just bias I think...it's sad but it's going to exist everywhere.


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## Hope1964

My youngest son LOVES babies and kids - always has - but he was unable to get more than a couple of babysitting jobs when he was 13-14-15 because of this bias/prejudice. It's a very sad comment on our society, I think. To follow that line of reasoning, once males reach puberty they should be fed salt peter with every meal and/or be castrated, because that's the only way they'll be able to control themselves.


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## tacoma

it's the "ALL MEN ARE PEDOS!" insanity.

it's why men aren't allowed seats on some airlines next to children.

it's asinine and harmful discrimination.


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## Hope1964

tacoma said:


> men aren't allowed seats on some airlines next to children.


Holy crap, I have never heard of this. Seriously???? That is SO messed up.


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## ScarletBegonias

I wouldn't allow my son to become a babysitter.There's too much paranoia now when it comes to teen boys/adult men around children. It's sad. I'd tell him straight up why I didn't want him babysitting too so he's aware of how insane the world is becoming.


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## soccermom2three

I frequent a hobby board that's mostly women. This topic comes up every once in awhile and I'm always surprised how many women will not let a teenage boy babysit their kids. As a mother of two sons it really makes me sad.


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## DoF

tacoma said:


> it's the "ALL MEN ARE PEDOS!" insanity.
> 
> it's why men aren't allowed seats on some airlines next to children.
> 
> it's asinine and harmful discrimination.


Agreed



ScarletBegonias said:


> I wouldn't allow my son to become a babysitter.There's too much paranoia now when it comes to teen boys/adult men around children. It's sad. I'd tell him straight up why I didn't want him babysitting too so he's aware of how insane the world is becoming.


Yep, and the worst part is that man will no longer advice or help out little boys that have no father figure......due to above.

Personally, I ignore it and just tell them how it is. I don't care. But I already realize it can get me in trouble.


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## Giro flee

I've got four teens in a neighborhood full of young families, we get tons of requests for babysitters.

My oldest child has no patience for children and never babysits. Maybe three younger siblings have him turned off?

I have two sons with absolutely no interest in infants, they may as well be a sack of potatoes. However they both love kids who are at least four years old, kids can play and interact much more by then. I tell people this when they ask these two boys to babysit. They are capable of taking care of an infant but they don't enjoy it. 

My daughter loves kids. Loves babies. She babysits all the time and enjoys it. 

I don't encourage the boys to babysit because of the vulnerable position it puts them in. I have noticed that people are in general not as trusting of young boys around their kids. I've got several friends who never have boys babysit.

For me I have had boys babysit, I've got three boys so they loved the physical play that boys bring. My daughter hated having boys babysit because her three brothers monopolized all of the babysitters time. I never had random kids babysit for me male or female. I always knew them and their families well so I was never nervous about the boys being predators.


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## tacoma

Hope1964 said:


> Holy crap, I have never heard of this. Seriously???? That is SO messed up.





> Four airlines, British Airways, Qantas, Air New Zealand and Virgin Australia, have attracted criticism for controversial seating policies which discriminate against adult male passengers on the basis of their sex. The companies refuse(d) to allow unaccompanied children to be seated next to adult males on their flights, leading to criticism that they regard all men as a danger to children.
> 
> Airline sex discrimination policy controversy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## tacoma

ScarletBegonias said:


> I wouldn't allow my son to become a babysitter.There's too much paranoia now when it comes to teen boys/adult men around children. It's sad. I'd tell him straight up why I didn't want him babysitting too so he's aware of how insane the world is becoming.


It's crazy and gets in your head.

Years ago I was playing 4 Mississippi football in my front yard with my two boys and the two neighbor girls they grew up around.

I was permanent quarterback which meant I played QB for both teams, girls against boys.

This was usually safe until one of my boys fell on his route and I had no one to throw to before the girls got to me.

Rolling around in my front yard with two teen girls on top of me laughing and screaming ecstatically that they "got me".
I almost went into panic mode because the only thing in my mind was "Oh **** the whole damn neighborhood is going to think I'm a pervy old man."

The rules changed to 6 Mississippi two hand touch the next play.
The girls thought I was a spoil sport because they got me but there's no way I could explain it to them.

It's really crappy that freaked me out so much but it did.

This type of thing has happened a couple of times with kids and it pisses me off that the first thing to pop in my mind is "Oh ****!" because I like kids and it takes a lot the fun out of it for me and them.


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## Theseus

tacoma said:


> Four airlines, British Airways, Qantas, Air New Zealand and Virgin Australia, have attracted criticism for controversial seating policies which discriminate against adult male passengers on the basis of their sex. The companies refuse(d) to allow unaccompanied children to be seated next to adult males on their flights, leading to criticism that they regard all men as a danger to children.


And yet if they discriminated in the same way against black people based on crime statistics, I'm pretty sure their whole country would be in an uproar.


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## tacoma

Theseus said:


> And yet if they discriminated in the same way against black people based on crime statistics, I'm pretty sure their whole country would be in an uproar.


So true.


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## Malpheous

Theseus said:


> And yet if they discriminated in the same way against black people based on crime statistics, I'm pretty sure their whole country would be in an uproar.


I'm a man.
I'm a third rate citizen in a country I swore to defend.
It's who I am and that's how it is.
I'm just a lowly man.
Not acceptable as a parent. 
Just as a bread winner and provider. 
I'm a man.


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## captainstormy

I don't have any kids, but i can say that people do automatically think you're up to no good if your a guy who takes any sort of interest in kids.

I grew up a country boy and moved to the city for college. So I enjoy a lot of things like hunting, fishing and camping. Sometimes, I take my friends kids because none of them do those things and their kids are interested.

I took one of my friends kids fishing with me a while back. It's obvious the kid isn't mine. I'm about as white as they come and the kid is black. The looks I often got were insane, and obvious. 

You'd also be surprised about the number of people just randomly walked up and started talking to the kid and just blatantly ask him if he's okay.

Who kidnaps a kid and takes him fishing?


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## ScarletBegonias

captainstormy said:


> I took one of my friends kids fishing with me a while back. It's obvious the kid isn't mine. I'm about as white as they come and the kid is black. The looks I often got were insane, and obvious.
> 
> You'd also be surprised about the number of people just randomly walked up and started talking to the kid and just blatantly ask him if he's okay.
> 
> Who kidnaps a kid and takes him fishing?


Yet if you were female,no one would give you a second glance.


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## mace17

Although I have to agree with most of you here that this is discrimination, I just have to point out an alternate view. I was molested as a child by my father, my daughter was molested by my second husband, and yes I became one of those people that would never allow a man around my young daughter period. Even when I married my current husband, I wouldn't leave my then-14-yr old daughter alone with him. Yes, I realize that is paranoid and discriminating, but both me and my daughter realize that men that will do that kind of thing can be anywhere and anybody, even someone you trust and have known for years. I now have a young son (8) and while I am not quite as paranoid, I am very watchful. I would never let a boy or any male babysit for my children, and I am distrustful and watchful of any males in positions of authority, such as teachers, coaches, etc. I also would never encourage my son to babysit when he gets older because I wouldn't want to put him in that spot. 

So while I do rationally realize it is discriminating, I just wanted to point out that for some people it is a valid fear.


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## tacoma

mace17 said:


> So while I do rationally realize it is discriminating, I just wanted to point out that for some people it is a valid fear.


Just to be clear.

It can be a "justified fear" but it's still not "valid".


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## Theseus

mace17 said:


> Even when I married my current husband, I wouldn't leave my then-14-yr old daughter alone with him.



I can understand your paranoia based on your past. However, I can't understand why you would marry a man you don't trust 100% around your children. 

If I was your husband, I would be extremely insulted and hurt, and I would seriously question whether the marriage has a future.


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## mace17

tacoma said:


> Just to be clear.
> 
> 
> 
> It can be a "justified fear" but it's still not "valid".



That is a much better way of putting it - thank you. And as far as never leaving my daughter alone with my husband, it was more to alleviate her fears than because of a lack of trust of my husband. I know he would never have done anything like that, but I made a promise to my daughter that I would never put her in a situation like that where she would even have a reason to be worried.


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## captainstormy

mace17 said:


> That is a much better way of putting it - thank you. And as far as never leaving my daughter alone with my husband, it was more to alleviate her fears than because of a lack of trust of my husband. I know he would never have done anything like that, but I made a promise to my daughter that I would never put her in a situation like that where she would even have a reason to be worried.


I gotta say, I would still be very insulted if I was your husband. I don't even see how daily life can function that way.

Your husband can't pick your daughter up from school. Take her shopping for a mother's day present. Or for that matter you can't run out to the store to pick up something and leave your daughter with him at home. Or any number of other normal activities.

That's got to frustrate him. I dunno if he can learn to live like that or not, but I couldn't.


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## mace17

It's way in the past now, my daughter is 22 and has her own family. Her and my husband never got along anyway, a couple times I did try to leave to go to the grocery store or something and within 5 minutes they would both be calling me because they were fighting again. So I really couldn't leave the 2 alone together regardless.


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## AnnieAsh

Mace, I am hyper vigilant in the same way. Because of my experiences (touched as a child by a slightly older cousin, a 30 yr old "boyfriend" at 14, and a stepfather who called me his "young girlfriend" from 16 to 21) I would never allow a teenage boy or grown man to be alone with my children. I'd say it is more a flaw in ME than the boy but I just can't help it. 

On the flip side, I don't allow female children outside of a very select number (family and BFFs) to be alone with my husband. Why? Because I want to protect HIM from any whisper of impropriety. I'm also very paranoid about protecting him from false accusations. I had a foster sister who liked to make up things about males in the house just for the heck of it. 

It's a hard way to go through life but...it is my way.


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## Maricha75

One of my sisters was molested by a FEMALE cousin when we were kids. And yet, I would still have no problem leaving my kids with either a male or female babysitter... as long as I knew them well enough to trust them. I never used a babysitter, anyway. My kids have spent the night at friends' houses over the years, but when it has come to babysitting, it was always my parents and my siblings. If I need someone to watch the little ones, I trust my 16 year old nephew, my 13 year old son, as well as my 13 year old niece. I don't pick a sitter based on gender. Either is equally likely to be trustworthy or to turn out to be a molester. You never know, either way. And I refuse to discriminate based on whether the person has a penis or a vagina.


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## yours4ever

Likewise, I don't trust anyone, regardless of sex, to babysit my child ...unless they are close-family members who has never hurt me or any child...and parents who love children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug

mace17 said:


> It's way in the past now, my daughter is 22 and has her own family. Her and my husband never got along anyway, a couple times I did try to leave to go to the grocery store or something and within 5 minutes they would both be calling me because they were fighting again. So I really couldn't leave the 2 alone together regardless.



Probably because your daughter and your husband never had a chance to bond when she was growing up living under your shadow of paranoia.


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## aug

yours4ever said:


> Likewise, I don't trust anyone, regardless of sex, to babysit my child ...unless they are close-family members who has never hurt me or any child...and parents who love children.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



And how would you really know their secrets? Do they provide in-depth background info/checks to you? Do you do comprehensive security and psychological research on your babysitters?


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## CantePe

I'm a CSA survivor. As long as I know the babysitter well enough, they proven trust worthy over a particular amount of time and treat my kids (3 boys, 2 girls) with respect and integrity ..yeah regardless of gender I'd let them babysit my kids.

I've had male babysitters before. I find this type of mind set very insulting to boys and men. Actually, it is infuriating to me.


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## TiggyBlue

This is news to me, the two teenagers who babysat me where both boys (they were sons of my parents close friends, I don't think they would have left me anyone they didn't know).


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## Miss Taken

My mom was a single mom for a good chunk of my childhood so we had a lot of babysitters. The worst babysitter I ever had was a teenaged girl. At 6 and 8, she let my sister and I play on the road, adjacent to a highway at night after dark. We ended up being picked up by an undercover police officer and my mom got into a world of trouble. I still remember the phrase, "go for it!" and cringe a little because that was her way of saying yes to everything.

I've had two male babysitters growing up. One was irresponsible, but I attribute that more to his younger age (13) which was too close to us girls to take him seriously. The other one was about 17 and the BEST babysitter my sister and I had ever had, hands down whether male or female. He was responsible and fun and actually engaged us girls in outdoor activity/trips as well as motivating and helping us to get the house clean for our mom before she came home. 

Outside of licensed day care programs, I haven't needed a babysitter for my kids. My oldest has a great relationship with his grandparents, uncle and aunt and has gone with them as needed since 2.5 years old. My youngest hasn't needed a babysitter yet but when he does, I'm sure my inlaws will watch him too.

At the after-school program and summer camp this year, my son really bonded well with the male counselors and I felt he was well taken care of. Although family, his uncle (he's a cool bachelor uncle) takes care of him sometimes and drives him up to the cottage for us. He's great with him. He also had a male daycare teacher. We have a family friend, a 30+ year old straight man who is a kindergarten teacher and I know he is great with the kids in his classroom and my kids at social events. 

All of that said, I don't have a bias against male babysitters. If I need one in the future, I would consider a male babysitter for my kids. I do prefer that they're older though and I know their parents well, as was the case with my second male babysitter. My mom was friends with his parents through church and he was great with us kids.


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## BaxJanson

I know that at my church, we have a biannual training program that you have to complete in order to work with or watch over any of the kids. It's called "Reducing the risk" and even the name makes me want to erupt. Men aren't allowed to change diapers, take kids to the bathroom, or be alone without another adult there. I completely understand why they feel the need to do so, but I have always refused to attend, even if it means I cannot work in about 1/2 of the churches' ministries. 

My ex used to nag me to attend, because they needed help in the nursery so badly. I always responded - "They need help so badly that they treat men like criminals-to-be. No." She never did get why I'd be outraged.


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## turnera

Our next-door neighbors hired a 'good Christian boy' from their church to watch their two toddler sons. He ended up molesting them, and then ended up going to prison for it, once he turned 18.


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## richie33

turnera said:


> Our next-door neighbors hired a 'good Christian boy' from their church to watch their two toddler sons. He ended up molesting them, and then ended up going to prison for it, once he turned 18.


My best friend since childhood told me when he was 6 or 7 the next door neighbor, teenage girl, used to molest him when she babysat him. I think this happens with both genders.


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## Catherine602

I'll never forget a thread on this site from a man who took pics of a young teen at a family gathering because he was attracted to her. If I remember correctly, he got into trouble for this activity. More than one male who posted felt that this did not harm the girl and therefore the man was unfairly prosecuted. He had a family after all. 

They also felt that lusting after teen girls was a hard wiring thing that is not under their conscious control. I find that scary that some apparently normal men feel this way. It's better not to start down that slippery slope. Humans are not prewired, we have conscious control of what we do. It's free will and the ability to do good or evil and a moral imperative to protect the innocents among us. 

If you want a target for your outrage, make it the molester's who hide among us. They get our trust and molest 100's of children over their miserable lifetime. They are rarely caught because they are good at grooming the PC parents and the children that they target and hiding in plain site. They are so good that no one believes the child. 

Men can more than take care of themselves. Fathers and mother are equally protective of their children.


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## Catherine602

The increased awareness of molestation and measures to prevent access to children is a good thing. 20-30% of adults have a hx of of CSA or sexual assault. The percentage is probably higher. The numbers for boys are particularly inaccurate. That's a higher % than victims of robbery and assault put together; yet we worry about what can be called trivial insults in comparison. 

Molestation is probably responsible for a high % of female sexual dysfunction. Sexual molestation of boys has an insidious effect as well. They have no outlet for expressing their pain and shame, they are men after all. But alcoholism, drug addiction, inability to form emotional connections are some effects. We should all welcome measures to prevent molestation's negative psychological and sexual harm on men and woman.


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## michzz

I don't think people should feel insulted for parents limiting contact with potential threats to their children--period.

While a person can have utter confidence in their boy not being a molester, or their camp counselor, or their swim coach, or their youth minister, or their favorite uncle, etc.; the sad fact is that a lot of molesters deliberately ingratiate themselves into a situation where they gain access to children.

Some target young children, others target preteens, still others target teens.

So what are you supposed to do with your children? we can't lock them up until they are 18 and then usher them into this big bad world.

A certain amount of risk and trust has to be made between people. And that takes time and energy and may not really work.
But if the worry is that a male can potentially molest one's daughter, then limiting the risk to just female babysitters, it makes sense as a short cut.

can females be rotten people/babysitters/molesters?

I am sure it is true. Is the incident of female molesters far lower than for males? I don't have stats, but my spidie sense is that it is far lower of a risk for that.

But no lower for being a responsible person.


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## turnera

96% of all reported molesters are male. There you go.

• "There are 400,000 registered sex offenders in the United States, and an estimated 80 to 100,000 of them are missing. They're supposed to be registered, but we don't know where they are and we don't know where they're living.
- Ernie Allen, President of the National Center for Missing and Exploited Childrento co-anchor Hannah Storm on The Early Show

• The most serious and chronic offenders often show signs of antisocial behavior as early as the preschool years.
- (American Psychiatric Association, 1994) (was in Juvenile Justice Bulletin: Nov 1998 OJJDP: U.S. Department of Justice)

• Dr. Gene Abel estimates that between 1% and 5% of our population molest children 
-CNN Specials Transcript #454-Thieves of Childhood.

• Nearly all the offenders in sexual assaults reported to law enforcement were male (96%).
- Sexual Assault of Young Children as Reported to Law Enforcement, 7/00, NCJ 182990, U.S. Department of Justice

• Overall, 23% of sexual assault offenders were under the 18 and 77% were adults - Sexual Assault of Young Children as Reported to Law Enforcement,
7/00, NCJ 182990, U.S. Department of Justice

• 40% of the offenders of victims under age 6 were themselves juveniles. A similar proportion (39%) of offenders of victims ages 6 through 11 were also juveniles. For older juvenile victims, the proportion of juvenile offenders dropped to 27%.
- Sexual Assault of Young Children as Reported to Law Enforcement,
7/00, NCJ 182990, U.S. Department of Justice

•Adults were the offender in 60% of the sexual assaults of youth under age 12. Rarely were the offenders of young victims strangers. Strangers were the offender in just 3% of sexual assaults against victims under age 6 and 5% of the sexual assault of victimizations of youth ages 6 through 11.
-Sexual Assault of Young Children as Reported to Law Enforcement,
7/00, NCJ 182990, U.S. Department of Justice 

• 1 in 5 violent offenders serving time in a state prison reported having victimized a child.
-BJS Survey of State Prison Inmates, 1991.

• 2/3 of all prisoners convicted of rape or sexual assault had committed their crime against a child.
-BJS Survey of State Prison Inmates, 1991.

• Acquaintance perpetrators are the most common abusers, constituting approximately 70-90% of all reported perpetrators.
-Finkelhor, D. 1994.

• 89% of child sexual assault cases involve persons known to the child, such as a caretaker or family acquaintance.
-Diana Russell Survey, 1978

• 29% of child sexual abuse offenders are relatives, 60% are acquaintances, and only 11% are strangers.
-Diana Russell, The Secret Trauma, NY:Basic Books, 1986. 

• For the vast majority of child victimizers in State prison, the victim was someone they knew before the crime. 1/3 had committed their crime against their own child, about 1/2 had a relationship with the victim as a friend, acquaintance, or relative other than offspring, about 1 in 7 reported the victim to have been a stranger to them.
-BJS Survey of State Prison Inmates, 1991.

• 3/4 of the violent victimizations of children took place in either the victim's home or the offenders home.
-BJS Survey of State Prison Inmates, 1991.

• Males are reported to be the abusers in 80-95% of cases
-Thoringer, D., et al., 1988.

• About 60% of the male survivors sampled report at least one of their perpetrators to be female.
-Mendel, 1993.

• All but 3% of offenders who committed violent crimes against children were male.
-BJS Survey of State Prison Inmates, 1991.

•The typical offender is male, begins molesting by age 15, engages in a variety of deviant behavior, and molests an average of 117 youngsters, most of whom do not report the offense.
-Dr. Gene Abel in a National Institute of Mental Health Study. 

• Offenders who had victimized a child were on average 5 years older than the violent offenders who had committed their crimes against adults. Nearly 25% of child victimizers were age 40 or older, but about 10% of the inmates with adult victims fell in that range.
-BJS Survey of State Prison Inmates, 1991.

• 71% of male offenders are under the age of 35.
-Dr. Ann Burges, Dr. Nicholas Groth, et al. in a study of imprisoned offenders.

• 3/4 of sexual predators are younger than 35. About 80% are of normal intelligence or above.
-Profiles from the FBI Academy and the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children.

• Though officially, not considered abuse, the highest incidence of incest occurs among siblings.
-Waterman & Lusk, 1986. 

• Many clinical settings currently are witnessing a dramatic increase in the number of adolescent offenders who have committed sexually aggressive acts against other children.
-Conte, Jon R., 1986. 

• While nearly 70% of those serving time for violent crimes against children were white, whites accounted for 40% of those imprisoned for violent crimes against adults.
-BJS Survey of State Prison Inmates, 1991.

• Inmates who victimized children were less likely than other inmates to have a prior criminal record-nearly 1/3 of child victimizers had never been arrested prior to the current offense, compared to less than 20% of those who victimized adults.
--BJS Survey of State Prison Inmates, 1991.

• Violent child victimizers were substantially more likely than those with adult victims to have been physically or sexually abused when they were children..
-BJS Survey of State Prison Inmates, 1991.

• 50% of reported child molestations involve the use of physical force and child molesters produce as much visible physical injury as rapists-39% of victims.
-Dr. Gene Abel in a National Institute of Mental Health Study. 

• About 14% of child victimizers carried a weapon during the violent crime, compared to nearly 1/2 of those who victimized adults.
-BJS Survey of State Prison Inmates, 1991.

• About 10% of violent offenders with child victims received life or death sentences and the average prison term was 11 years, somewhat shorter average sentences than received by those with adult victims.
-BJS Survey of State Prison Inmates, 1991.

• More than 1/2 of all convicted sex offenders are sent back to prison within a year. Within 2 years, 77.9% are back.
-California Department of Corrections.

• Recidivism rates range from 18-45%. The more violent the crime the more likelihood of repeating.
-Studies by the state of Washington.

• 3 in 10 child victimizers reported that they had committed their crimes against multiple victims: they were more likely than those who victimized adults to have had multiple victims.
-BJS Survey of State Prison Inmates, 1991.

• Like rape, child molestation is one of the most underreported crimes: only 1-10% are ever disclosed.
-FBI Law Enforcement Bulletin.

• The behavior is highly repetitive, to the point of compulsion, rather than resulting from a lack of judgment.
-Dr. Ann Burges, Dr. Nicholas Groth, et al. in a study of imprisoned offenders.

Pedophile and Child Molester Statistics - Yello Dyno


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## michzz

turnera said:


> 96% of all reported molesters are male. There you go.
> ...
> 
> Pedophile and Child Molester Statistics - Yello Dyno


Hence the shortcut's validity, to not let a male babysit. Anyone offended by that has not done their due diligence about the subject.


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## Anonymous07

richie33 said:


> My best friend since childhood told me when he was 6 or 7 the next door neighbor, teenage girl, used to molest him when she babysat him. I think this happens with both genders.


It does happen with both genders. I think when boys are molested, less report the incident, so we don't hear as many incidents from women caretakers. Both genders can do harm to the child. 

As a child, I had 2 regular babysitters who would watch myself and my brothers. One was female and the other male. Both were great and we loved them. I wouldn't have a problem with a man watching my son, so long as I knew and trusted him. That goes for any babysitter! I don't trust sites like Care.com or other sitter finders, but will allow family or close friends to watch my child. 

Sadly, men in general get treated like potential pedophiles all the time. A female teacher can give a hug to a student and no one raises an eyebrow, but if a male teacher did that, people are up in arms. I feel bad that they always have to be on the defense. A good friend is a teacher and he has to be so careful with everything he does, as to not be accused of doing something wrong.


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## NobodySpecial

intheory said:


> Would everyone here be just as likely to hire a teenage girl to mow your lawn? Or, rake up all your dead leaves in the fall? Or, chop a stack of firewood for you?


Nope. My son AND DAUGHTER already do those chores. Though DD is too small to operate the mower yet.


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## Catherine602

Anonymous07 said:


> It does happen with both genders. I think when boys are molested, less report the incident, so we don't hear as many incidents from women caretakers. Both genders can do harm to the child.
> 
> As a child, I had 2 regular babysitters who would watch myself and my brothers. One was female and the other male. Both were great and we loved them. I wouldn't have a problem with a man watching my son, so long as I knew and trusted him. That goes for any babysitter! I don't trust sites like Care.com or other sitter finders, but will allow family or close friends to watch my child.
> 
> Sadly, men in general get treated like potential pedophiles all the time. A female teacher can give a hug to a student and no one raises an eyebrow, but if a male teacher did that, people are up in arms. I feel bad that they always have to be on the defense. A good friend is a teacher and he has to be so careful with everything he does, as to not be accused of doing something wrong.


The overwhelming majority of boys are molested by male's. It is not reported because of the social backlash directed against boys by apparently normal men and women for being a victim . 

You are implying that it's only woman who treat men like pedophiles? Mother's and father's protect their children. Besides it's not a matter of being treated like a pedophile its is ensuring the safety of one's children form the evil that hide's among men. I am surprised that some men worry about how they are treated instead of worrying abut the danger to their children by these vile creatures.


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## turnera

NobodySpecial said:


> Nope. My son AND DAUGHTER already do those chores. Though DD is too small to operate the mower yet.


Those were all chores I gave my daughter as she was getting older. I wanted her to be able to handle ALL duties for her someday home.


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## turnera

Anonymous07 said:


> Sadly, men in general get treated like potential pedophiles all the time. A female teacher can give a hug to a student and no one raises an eyebrow, but if a male teacher did that, people are up in arms.


Because, statistically, nearly all molestation comes from men. Sorry, I just follow the stats.


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## NobodySpecial

turnera said:


> Those were all chores I gave my daughter as she was getting older. I wanted her to be able to handle ALL duties for her someday home.


You and I see eye to eye on kids a lot, I think.


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## NobodySpecial

Looking at it from another perspective, I would not advise my son to babysit. One unfounded accusation is all it takes.


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## Convection

NobodySpecial said:


> Looking at it from another perspective, I would not advise my son to babysit. One unfounded accusation is all it takes.


That's the other side of the coin that no one sees.

I take my 4 year-old red-headed granddaughter to the playground and to get ice cream. She and I have a great time and as one might suspect, she has me absolutely wrapped around her finger. I'd cut off my arm before I ever hurt that little girl. Still, that has not stopped people - all women - from walking up to me before, acting all apprehensive with nervous eyes, and asking me where the child's mother is. This angers the bejesus out of me. I agree that these people are busybodies who should mind their own damn business, because I am doing nothing that would warrant some kind of intervention - I am just a 40+ year old man out with a 4-year old. My granddaughter is a very affectionate type and like to hug. Must be because I am a man hugging a child, that I am some kind of predator. (This has happened twice, just for clarification).

Still, would they do this if the girl was out with a woman? Unlikely. I manage to respond calmly to these idiots for two reasons: I don't want to frighten my granddaughter and since I am actively working to manage my anger, it's good opportunity to practice. I still want to go home and hit a heavy bag for 20 minutes afterwards.

I don't disagree that more/most sexual abuse is perpetrated by men. Interestingly, from this study (Child Maltreatment 2012, Dept of HHS), general abuse seems to come more from the hands of women than men (p. 68, Table 5-3), including fatalities of children inflicted by adults (p. 58, Table 4-4). Getting a female sitter is probably less likely to result in sexual abuse ... but the odds of general abuse seem just as high.

I guess it is just a dangerous world out there for children period. That's depressing to think about.


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## turnera

Convection said:


> Interestingly, from this study (Child Maltreatment 2012, Dept of HHS), general abuse seems to come more from the hands of women than men (p. 68, Table 5-3), including fatalities of children inflicted by adults (p. 58, Table 4-4). Getting a female sitter is probably less likely to result in sexual abuse ... but the odds of general abuse seem just as high.


According to that study, more than 80% of the abuse occurred from adults, more than 80% were parents, so we're really just talking about what parents do to their kids (and the rest is probably grandparents). And only 54% were females, 46% were men. So not THAT great of a difference. And realistically, that could be because women do 75% of the child-raising and have more time with the kids.


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## Convection

turnera said:


> According to that study, more than 80% of the abuse occurred from adults, more than 80% were parents, so we're really just talking about what parents do to their kids (and the rest is probably grandparents).


Grandparents is an assumption. There is a category for caregivers, which is all encompassing. How many stories do we hear about day-cares where children are abused or neglected? Too many. Almost 100% female perpetrators.



turnera said:


> And only 54% were females, 46% were men. So not THAT great of a difference. And realistically, that could be because women do 75% of the child-raising and have more time with the kids.


I do agree, the percentages are not normalized for those providing the most care and I also agree the percentages of the perpetrators are about the same. Fair points.

Still, the blanket notion that is pedaled so often in media and pop culture - that your children are safe with women and not with men - is offensive to men, and should be offensive to every woman who knows good men.

I understand minimalizing risk. I also understand that you can't rule your life by fear and you have to approach every situation as it presents itself, with its unique circumstances.


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## Catherine602

Convection said:


> That's the other side of the coin that no one sees.
> 
> I take my 4 year-old red-headed granddaughter to the playground and to get ice cream. She and I have a great time and as one might suspect, she has me absolutely wrapped around her finger. I'd cut off my arm before I ever hurt that little girl. Still, that has not stopped people - all women - from walking up to me before, acting all apprehensive with nervous eyes, and asking me where the child's mother is. This angers the bejesus out of me. I agree that these people are busybodies who should mind their own damn business, because I am doing nothing that would warrant some kind of intervention - I am just a 40+ year old man out with a 4-year old. My granddaughter is a very affectionate type and like to hug. Must be because I am a man hugging a child, that I am some kind of predator. (This has happened twice, just for clarification).
> 
> Still, would they do this if the girl was out with a woman? Unlikely. I manage to respond calmly to these idiots for two reasons: I don't want to frighten my granddaughter and since I am actively working to manage my anger, it's good opportunity to practice. I still want to go home and hit a heavy bag for 20 minutes afterwards.
> 
> I don't disagree that more/most sexual abuse is perpetrated by men. Interestingly, from this study (Child Maltreatment 2012, Dept of HHS), general abuse seems to come more from the hands of women than men (p. 68, Table 5-3), including fatalities of children inflicted by adults (p. 58, Table 4-4). Getting a female sitter is probably less likely to result in sexual abuse ... but the odds of general abuse seem just as high.
> 
> I guess it is just a dangerous world out there for children period. That's depressing to think about.


If you were approached by men, would it make you feel better? My view is that this is about children not adults. In this situation, your minor discomforts at being vetted by women mean little compared to the extra sets of "busybodies" eyes. 

With respect to your grandchildren, - don't you see your primary grandfather role as their protector? Would it not be wiser to leave your gender-war amour at home?


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## NobodySpecial

Catherine602 said:


> If you were approached by men, would it make you feel better? My view is that this is about children not adults. In this situation, your minor discomforts at being vetted by women mean little compared to the extra sets of "busybodies" eyes.
> 
> With respect to your grandchildren, - don't you see your primary grandfather role as their protector? Would it not be wiser to leave your gender-war amour at home?


This is one of the weirdest posts I have ever read. In what way were these people vetting him? And by what right? Simply being female? They were being rude and obnoxious. I hardly think the poster to whom you replied was igniting the gender war. I would think the busybodies were.


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## Maricha75

How about not being approached at all? The child, or children are not in distress, so why approach?


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## NobodySpecial

I wonder about this molestation thing. I was molested as a child. And did not say anything until a couple of years later. I cannot even understand why myself. I have discussed and continue to discuss the topic with my kids. It is a balancing act between protecting them, teaching them to protect themselves and not scaring them needlessly. It seems to be working. I do discuss the guilt and the shame that molesters try to foist on their victims in order to maintain silence.


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## Miss Taken

I still feel that if my mom picked any man or teenage boy off of the street to watch my sister and I, odds were in favour of us being safer with them than our stepfather. 

I don't doubt that some babysitters, male more but also female abuse or molest kids in their charge. I am also aware that more sexual abuse occurs in the home and/or within families than it does from babysitters. 

After considering this thread more, I do think I'd be hesitant to let my oldest son babysit anyone but his baby brother. Not because I think he's a rapist to be, but because of the paranoia of others and the potential for false accusations. Just as people worry about their daughters being abused, we have to worry about sons being falsely accused. It's sad.

I think children benefit from having both male and female role-models. For all of the dysfunctional men I was unfortunate to meet in my childhood, the positive ones who were role models to me did more good than any of the harm I faced at the hands of bad ones. I am thankful for all of those good men that positively influenced my life to counteract the bad, just as I am the good women that helped shape me, teach me and helped me grow.


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## borninapril

Quite an interesting read having gone through all of this thread. I don't think I'd mind having a young man watch my children, luck enough I have a teenage stepdaughter to do it and by the time she old enough to be gone my youngest will be able to watch herself.

However I also have a an interesting take on this as I was a living in nanny of sorts in the early 90's for about two years (btw I'm male). I was taking care of a younger boy and girl (both under the age of 5) and really don't seem to recall running into that many problems. Just the typical "your a guy and you do what?". After that I was a para for several year for a school specializing in children with disabilities. Again I got a lot of parents who would look at me strangely but after a while would be ok with it. But any time you see a male in a typically non male role people tend to take a second look. In my late 20's/ early 30's I worked in a assisted living center (or Nursing Home) as a CNA to make extra money. Even then you would have family members wonder why you were working there, but most time the staff would like having a male around in case of a resident needing help with something.


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## borninapril

Quite an interesting read having gone through all of this thread. I don't think I'd mind having a young man watch my children, luck enough I have a teenage stepdaughter to do it and by the time she old enough to be gone my youngest will be able to watch herself.

However I also have a an interesting take on this as I was a living in nanny of sorts in the early 90's for about two years (btw I'm male). I was taking care of a younger boy and girl (both under the age of 5) and really don't seem to recall running into that many problems. Just the typical "your a guy and you do what?". After that I was a para for several year for a school specializing in children with disabilities. Again I got a lot of parents who would look at me strangely but after a while would be ok with it. But any time you see a male in a typically non male role people tend to take a second look. In my late 20's/ early 30's I worked in a assisted living center (or Nursing Home) as a CNA to make extra money. Even then you would have family members wonder why you were working there, but most time the staff would like having a male around in case of a resident needing help with something.


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