# My wife said she wants a separation, and left 5 days later for another man.



## CrushedInNY (May 24, 2009)

This is a long post, please be patient if possible. My wife of 9 years (together for 10 years) Monique left me suddenly last Saturday 5/16. I'm 43 and she's 36. This is my first marriage and her second. In April, she told me that she wasn’t happy with x y and z things, but they were mostly minor, easily fixable things.
I had become guilty of complacency over the years….taking us for granted, not paying enough attention to her, not doing as much as I could around the home, that sort of stuff. I never did anything majorly bad, you know, the classic “what a jerk” stuff….I never hit her or abused her physically in any way (I’m very against men hitting women), never cheated on her, never was irresponsible with our money.
She told me in April 2009 that in 2007 she started feeling indifferent, and then over the next 2 years, it had regressed into falling out of love. I was upset that she didn't sit me down at any point in that long period of time and say "listen, we have to talk, we're in trouble". She did make quick comments here and there over that time period like "I don't want to talk about that whatever thing, it doesn't matter to me, we have our own issues". In hindsight, I wish I would have said "what do you mean?", but instead I chalked it up to her just being moody again.

So from day 1 last month when she tells me what she wants from me to try and help heal our marriage, I was doing those things day after day. This went on for about 4 weeks and then on Monday 5/11, she tells me she’s decided we’re separated with no valid reason attached.
I then hear her on the phone that night, and of course I know her inside and out, and I hear the way she’s talking is “different”. It wasn’t hard for me to figure out that it was a guy and someone who she was thinking of more than a friend. This went on for 2 more days when on Wednesday 5/13 she finally admits to me “I’m not happy about feeling guilty that I have feelings for someone other than you” (I have that in writing). So, I’m a basket case by this point, it continues every night through Saturday 5/16, when at that point it got to be too much for me and I asked her to get off the phone with him after I was out at a friends for 3 hours because I couldn’t handle hearing her anymore on the phone. She said no, so I took the handset from her and hung up the phone. She then jumped in the car, I went out to ask where she was going, she had the front door locked, so I opened the back door and before I had a chance to get in the car at all, she gunned it in reverse and I arched backwards just in time to avoid the force of the back door slamming shut from hitting me.

About 5 hours later at 8am on Sunday 5/17, I get a collect call from her saying “the car is on the corner”, and I say “Ok, and where are you and when are you coming home”, and she says “that’s all I have to say, bye”, and she hung up (I later found out that a co-worker gave her a ride to Albany). Minutes later I check the phone and it was from Albany airport. I’m a total emotional wreck at this point on little to no sleep (I still haven’t slept more than a few hours per day since she said we are separated), so I did some investigating and I discover that she flew one way to reno, nv. I looked on her myspace not expecting to see anything, but there I see a guys profile I didn’t recognize on her friends list, and it says age 36, location reno, nv, and then I knew that was him and that’s where she went. She flew out of state to have an affair with another man, and actually tried to hide it from me that’s what she was doing. 
I then went through 3 days of agony I’ve never felt, in part due to her not calling or e-mailing me, no communication at all. 

Finally on Wednesday night 5/20 she calls and tells me that she’s “in love” with this guy and she wants to stay there with him. She’s supposedly coming back here on 6/6 for “a few weeks to wrap things up” and pack up her stuff, we have to decide who gets what. The bigger problem though financially is the house is in both our names, and she asked me to let her off the mortgage, but I said no because I bring home less than $2,000 per month and the mortgage is $1,300 per month. I as of now don’t have any realistic prospective roommate option to help split the payments with me. So I talked to her again and said the only option I can see is that she’ll have to put her new life on hold and stay here in the house with me as platonic roommates with separate bedrooms, and we’ll have separate bank accounts and keep paying on the house until it sells, which could maybe take a year or who knows how long in this economy. She reluctantly said okay, but maybe for “2 or 3 months”, but I’ll worry about that more in future days. Right now it’s one step, one day at a time. I’ve always been in love with her, I still love her, I don’t know how long it will take me to get over her, and now I’m facing being in the same house with her where she can do whatever she wants and I have no say, and I’d have to act like it’s all fine, like as if she was some casual roommate to which I didn’t care what they did.

She’s not being sensitive at all to the emotional grief / loss I’m feeling, she’s doing things like this update she put on myspace yesterday –
"Monique is home with Alton 20 hours ago from mobile 
Mood:Finally happy" 
We’re both still employed at ********** (but I’m leaving shortly to go work at ****** ******** instead, because one of her April concerns was that she felt both me and her at the same work place had hurt our marriage, so I said fair enough and got another job. I’m about to start there on 6/1 at $12 per hour, a more than $2 per hour cut in pay for me), and everyone there who liked and respected her at ***********, is now disgusted in particular about the part of leaving the state without telling me at the drop of a hat to be with another guy.

She literally bought the plane ticket about an hour after she drove away that night, and she did this when she already had a roundtrip ticket for “visiting her family” on the west coast from 5/30 – 6/6. Work almost fired her for job abandonment, but apparently they decided to hold her job until she returns to NY on 6/6. It’s for the best that I leave ********* since supposedly she’ll be back there the week of 6/7 for whatever amount of time. She literally left with only the clothes on her back, she’s been buying clothes on her CC out there along with other basic necessities.

When I spoke with her this week, she didn’t sound like her at all, way too all over the place sounding mentally, and saying how if the house gets foreclosed that it doesn’t matter, bad credit doesn’t matter, all that matters is the heart is happy and free, etc. She’s never in 10 years been irresponsible about money before.
I know she’s feeling a lot of guilt deep down for doing this horrendous thing to me / us, but she’s not letting herself feel that (yet).
Instead, she’s made up this hurtful excuse about putting it off on me, and she’s telling and texting people that she’s “afraid of me” and how I “tried to grab her out of the car”. When I asked her on the phone a couple days ago about this (I remained calm the whole time on the phone, I knew yelling or whatever would just probably cause her to hang up), she said to me “yes I had to leave the state because I was scared for my safety”. I told her that not only wasn’t I even in the car so no “trying to grab” scenario even happened (or would have happened), she just said yes it would, etc, and I said “look, you’re speculating about what you thought was going to happen, it’s not factual, and in 10 years together, I never hurt you physically, so for you to think now all of a sudden I would become physically abusive towards you, that’s just not based in reality”.

Obviously I’m the one being rational and logical about it, but again, she’s too messed up mentally right now to face reality.
If she had done this anytime in the first 6 years of our marriage, I’d “only” be facing her taking stuff out of the $500 rental, and be gone. But due to the mortgage and both our names on it and I can’t pay it alone, I’m in a world of probable financial trouble now, which is difficult for me to take in at the same time as losing the woman I love.

I've always had abandonment issues from my parents throwing me out on the street as a kid. I was single living alone from age 20 - 33. I got lonely sometimes but I was used to it. Now though, I've grown very dependant on her, at the very least, presense. That's been ripped away from me, I keep waking up after an hour or two in a sweat. Even during the years she was here with me, I'd commonly wake up if she got up before me because I'd sense somehow that she wasn't next to me in our bed anymore. 
But now, I’ve been abandoned in the worst way I could have ever imagined and if I could turn back the clock 10 years and saw this day coming, I probably never would have gotten serious with her. In the last week besides very limited food or sleep, I alter several times a day from an uncomfortable “numb” feeling, to it all hits me again and when I break down, I’ve thrown up twice from crying so hard. It’s been less than 2 weeks since this nightmare started, but it feels like 2 months or whatever.

Note too the sad irony in this which is that she left her first husband of 8 years quickly to be with me, and now 10 years later she’s done it again. Monique was from the west coast and we met online in a Tori Amos chat room, and we went from chatting, to talking on the phone, to her flying here to be with me face to face in a span of less than 6 weeks. After a few days here, neither of us wanted to leave so she never went back. We were literally living together from day 1 that we were in the same location. When she got here to NY state in April 1999, she said she had to know what it would be like to be with me physically, because in her first marriage she said she was always repulsed when she had sex with her first husband. So she said she'd never go through that again and even though we connected emotionally and personality wise, she also needed to know that I would make her "quiver", as she put it, in bed. Fortunately for us, that was the case.

10 years ago when she was here on the phone with her first husband, she’d let me listen as she was telling him “you know I was never in love with you, I loved you as a friend, I never should have married you, and I’m never going to be with you again”. With me though, she said last week “I was in love with you for many years (which I know is true), then I became indifferent, then I fell out of love, but I don’t know what the future holds so I’m leaving open the option that you and I may possibly reconcile in the future”.

I’m unable to put any weight behind possible reconciliation down the road, I just can’t emotionally handle, or want to handle, waiting for the phone to ring 6 months or a year from now and possibly hear her say “I made a mistake, I want us back”. I have to just let that notion go and I need to consider me and her to be done. Of course we have to be legally separated for 1 year in NYS before any kind of divorce would be granted. Since Wednesday night 5/20 on the phone, she has repeatedly tried to convince me to keep the house, and my gut tells me (which is very rarely wrong with her) that she’s not consciously realizing it, but what she’s doing is wanting to keep me and the house to be here for her just in case the day comes if / when she wants us back again, a sort of “back up insurance policy” for her. It seems to me that she doesn’t want me to go back in some crappy low rent apartment, because she wouldn’t want that either. Now that I’ve had a house for a few years, of course I don’t want to go back to renting an apartment, but it’s very likely that’s what’s going to happen sooner rather than later.

I found possible answers to her behavior this week, which I e-mailed to her and she’s not accepting it at all, she laughed at me and said “if that’s what you need to make yourself feel better about this, you go right ahead”.
Some women in their mid 30s in a long term relationship start feeling “old and stale”, and some of them enter a severe case of female mid-life crisis which have specific symptoms. She executed all of the 5 symptoms in the URL below. “Provocation” in particular hit me hard because she was on the phone with this guy, and somewhere mentally in this mid-life crisis, she knew that she was provoking me into some form of confrontation, and by me hanging up the phone, in her mind, it “justified” her leaving, which she then exaggerated into her ugly fantasy about thinking I was going to physically hurt her.
midlife crisis - woman / female | LifeTwo

I talked to a married couple at work who, unknown to me before (they’re both about 40), they were together since mid 20s, and when the wife was 35, she told me herself this week how in a pretty short span of time, was telling her husband that she couldn’t deal with him anymore, etc, and she left quickly to be with someone else. After about 6 months of that, she said she still felt not right emotionally, so she went to a therapist and that’s when she learned about this specific form of severe female mid-life crisis. She then reconciled with her husband a few months later and they’ve been together ever since.

That’s a bit besides the point though, because as for me at this moment in time, Monique has crossed way too big of a line by initiating a physical relationship with someone else (her and I had sex as recently as this month before she said the separation thing on 5/11), coupled with the unfounded “being scared of me” thing, because she knows how hurtful that it is to me since I’m so against that and have never done it to any female.
So, if she comes here, and it’s a separate rooms platonic scenario, that’s “fine” with me (and I use fine loosely because nothing about any of this is fine), because I am not capable now, nor do I want to, be actively engaged in a marital type relationship with her. That wasn’t the case a week ago when it was “only” some phone based fantasy / plan that she hadn’t yet executed. Now that she has though, it changes everything forever.

I just don’t know what comes next. I can’t rely her for anything now, and if she does come here, I’ve already imagined awful scenarios on her end like maybe when I’m at work during different hours than her, will she pack minimal stuff and smash the TV or whatever, and drive across country in our car to be gone for good? That’s another wrinkle in this, she wanted to buy a new car last year so we’re only 11 months into a 5 year car loan which is $300 per month, and it’s in both of our names, so she could come here and I guess just take it if she wanted to and then I’m left with no car to get to work, etc. Trying to process all that has happened so quickly, coupled with the huge question marks about finances, the house, possible foreclosure, my credit ruined, etc, it’s just too much for me to take all in and it’s hard for me to speak out loud in complete thoughts without losing my train of focus.

Any and all advice / replies to this will be greatly appreciated, thank you for taking the time to read my very long post.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

well my honest opinion - separate rooms , nah dont work. keep her out. as hard as this is. yeh your confused as to everything thats gone on. but you want this over your head for the rest of your natural. no you dont. 
i know its all a mess, but you have alot to deal with mentally and physically with regards to finances. id make a start on sorting accounts out. 
baby steps, one by one. 
when i realised my marriage was near the end. obviously my children were and are my priority - i have put no restrictions on when H can see the boys. he pays maintenance, which has now been established. 
he has moved out - this feels really good.
im taking over the house and im buying him out. 
ive sorted all the bills into my name. 
nothing is simple but it can be organized. like you say and i agree maintain focus. i have , but its because im not prepared to stay in an unhappy one sided marriage.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Dude, I feel your pain!! I truly do! Been there, done that...got the tee-shirt too. 

You need to sever ALL ties to her NOW! Clear any joint accounts, sell the house, get away from her! 

I know it hurts! I still feel the pain myself and it's been a month since I found out. It's hard, especially after 10 years...I know! 

Let her go, get your life together. Please. I so much wanted to drive off a cliff...but I didn't. You will heal and it will take time. 

Hang in there, dude! PM me if you want...I'll give you my phone nr if you want someone to talk to. I know what you're going through.


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## mrslmndz (Apr 14, 2009)

Wow, your wife sounds like my ex its been six months. He is now living with her moved in the next day. He's telling everybody that I am out to get him which I would never do that and he knows it we were together for fifteen years. people tell me its because he knows something bad is coming his way. KARMA, I guess. Well she did it once to her ex... My ex used to say. "you do it once, you will only do it once but if you do it twice it will happen a third time" The other guy can expect the same thing happen to him in the long run or maybe he will do it to her...Just take care of yourself and think of yourself now... Whatever she is doing is cold and well she will not wake up until its toooooo really tooo late... But based on her first marriage she will never wake up. So stay strong and move on...BE SMART


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## CrushedInNY (May 24, 2009)

Update : I e-mailed this to Monique 2 days ago -

"Monique,

I just wanted to say that I hope you’ll work with me to be as fair and civil to each other as we both can be during this life changing period for both of us.
I do not want us to walk away from each other after we’ve resolved matters in NY, as hating each other.
I personally don’t want to carry that negative feeling inside me, it’s already all I can do to not have a nervous breakdown with the loss of you and everything else associated with it, so to add hatred on top of that is too much bad emotion on top of how destroyed I already feel.

I’d never wish you harm, and if the day ever comes for you (and I hope it doesn’t) in which you’re hurt and need help or someone to talk to, I definitely wouldn’t want you sitting there if you wanted to call me, but then you say to yourself instead - “no I can’t call him, he hates me”.
I know you care about me, even if it doesn’t seem that way to me in recent days. So as long as you continue to care about me on any level, then I can do the same towards you, so please do whatever you can to work with me in keeping that as a reality."

She replied to that with -

"i appreciate your efforts in reaching out as a friend. Without wanting to hurt u i still want u to know that im happy. I hope as a friend you can be happy for me. I know that might not be possible."

I didn't reply to her with the following, because I have no energy to battle with her, but my feeling on this is...... be happy for her? Are you kidding me? This so called happiness was achieved how? By walking out on me and destroying me.  I think it's insensitive to say the least that she would e-mail that to me. Why couldn't she reply instead with something more like - "I don't want us to hate each other either, it means a lot to me that you're trying to be so big about this, thank you for that"......or anything along those lines?

Last week 3 days before she left, she wrote on paper to me - "I'm scared to death to see what happens next but I soldier on. That is what you do when **** ****s up, you spring back".

How is she "soldiering on"? She actually thinks this was a "brave" thing she did? How does abandoning your husband of a decade, flying across country to another guy, leaving your job, house, cats, real world responsibilities behind without any warning equal "soldiering on"? 
She hasn't been single a day in her life since she was 16. I'm the one left behind alone and with all of this to deal with. I'm the one who in the last week is "soldiering on". Monique on the other hand, as far as I'm concerned, has done an incredibly selfish and cowardly thing.

Thanks for the replies so far, but unfortunately I still have no choice at this time other than to let her back in the house to split bills with me. I know it's going to be a very uncomfortable / sad thing for me to deal with, but I have no financial choice at this point. Without any other roommate option (so far, and it's not looking too good), then I simply HAVE to have another person helping me pay the mortgage and bills. 
If Monique doesn't stick to her word and do this, then I WILL lose my house to foreclosure within a few months, and I WILL have my credit ruined for at least 10 years.
Monique has chosen to put me in this (what was previously) unthinkable emotional and financial hell, and I just don't have any other options right now.


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

I am really saddened by your story and I hope you can get through this. Though my wife did not do exactly what your wife did, she did leave and treats me like I am an alien and I still dont know what I did. I feel your pain, I am living it as well. I have yet to "know" that she is with someone else, but she lies and I am sure she is. Keep us updated and read my post if you want to see what I have been through.

take care and I will check back soon.


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## CrushedInNY (May 24, 2009)

Thanks Sportsman, I read some of your posts. You know, they say that when you're in pain, that it's comforting to know you're not alone, but I'm not really feeling that. I'm mainly just sad that there are so many other people out there going through basically what I'm going through.

Monique has been gone 2 weeks at this point, and will supposedly be back here in 1 week on 6/6 to do the whole platonic roommates, split the mortgage thing, and I'm still very anxiety ridden about that. Communication between us has been very minimal in the last week or so, and I know it's because she's out west focusing her time and attention on him instead, so she really doesn't want to talk or think about me and us right now, and I guess I can understand that (in some form of dysfunctional way).

Yesterday was my last day at my 5 year, 8 month job, and it was really hard. Lots of people saying goodbye to me and saying how awesome I was, and I got a card that tons of people signed for me.
I came home a blubbering mess and since I associated work with Monique so much, I called her cell and was crying as I left her a message since she didn't pick up just basically saying how hard it was to leave there for the last time, and how I was alone and she wasn't there for that, and how the combination of the loss of her / us and then leaving my job was just so much to take at once now. I told her she didn't have to call me back or anything, and that I just needed to tell her how I was feeling just then.
About an hour later she did call me back though for less than a minute asking me if I was feeling any better yet, and I said yes because after I called her, I was then on the phone with a friend for the last hour. Talking to friends as much as possible has been keeping me somewhat grounded. I thanked her for calling me back even though I had said in the message that she didn't have to and I didn't even ask her to. So, like her best friend keeps telling me, Monique still cares about me deep down even though she no longer wants to be in a marital relationship with me. 

I know there are people on this board who have it worse than me, people who would have gone through what I did yesterday and had an estranged spouse not call them back at all and / or maybe have gotten a rude call back or whatever.

I'm not sure if the below picture of Monique will be visible on this board or not, but I just felt like putting one of my favorite "casual picture in our home" shots on here.
For those of you who have an appreciation for physically beautiful people, you may understand why it's so hard for me to lose her.....even though the emotional / love connection loss of her is what's primarily causing me so much heartache.


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## krmrswy_19 (May 27, 2009)

No offense against anybody but honestly she's not that cute to begin with. Not only that but she has an ugly heart if she would treat somebody she use to love like that. I say that you just act like you dont care about her anymore. I'm going through something similar and if you act like you don't care about the other person, it usually becomes a reality and u really kinda stop caring and second, she may see that as a challege. Either way I say get on with ur life and try as hard as u can to sell the house so u don't have to see her and be hurt every day by her.


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## CrushedInNY (May 24, 2009)

krmrswy_19 said:


> No offense against anybody but honestly she's not that cute to begin with. Not only that but she has an ugly heart if she would treat somebody she use to love like that. I say that you just act like you dont care about her anymore.


No offense taken of course, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Yes, of course she shouldn't have treated / done to us what she did.
At least I could have said "fair enough" if she told me she considered us separated and 5 days later flew to stay with her brother and rebuild her life somewhere else the "normal" way such as get a job, meet someone new after awhile has passed, etc.
As for "acting" like I don't care about her anymore, I'm too honest and blunt of a person to put on a fake front like that.


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

CrushedInNY said:


> No offense taken of course, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
> Yes, of course she shouldn't have treated / done to us what she did.
> At least I could have said "fair enough" if she told me she considered us separated and 5 days later flew to stay with her brother and rebuild her life somewhere else the "normal" way such as get a job, meet someone new after awhile has passed, etc.
> As for "acting" like I don't care about her anymore, I'm too honest and blunt of a person to put on a fake front like that.


I dont agree with KRM, but I understand the mentality. If we can just stop "Caring" like our wives have done it would be easier to let go. I think that was the point trying to be made. Believe me, my wife is beautiful, she will have no trouble finding another guy. It is very hard for me to think of her with another person. I wish I could just say Fu** it and move on but its not that easy..


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Ah if it was just as easy as saying f*ck it....man would that be awesome. If we could shut them out as quickly as they do us life would be wonderful...sigh (dreaming of course or else I wouldn't be living the heartbreaking hell that is my life at the moment)


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## krmrswy_19 (May 27, 2009)

I never said it would be easy, or "a just like that" sort of thing. I am going through the same thing; my husband left me and my daughter for another girl. The mind is a powerful thing and what I'm saying is we need to change how we think about our lives and the dreams we have, and we can make miracles happen and awesome things happen for ourselves. It starts with a thought... I still hurt and I'm not saying that you just think u dont want your spouse and then you wont. I'm just saying that I would ask myself why I'm sad to have a guy out of my life that would leave me and my daughter like that? I just keep telling myself how thankful I am that I didn't waste another eight years with him, or one more day for that matter. Little things like that made me come to realize that I'm better off without him and so forth. That worked for me but everyone is different...


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## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

Stay strong "CrushedInNY". My wife left me nearly 7 months ago and I know how you feel. We have a small child which makes things even harder. But most important thing for you right now is to stay positive and remember, you will heal.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

CINY:

I've read all your posts on this thread and when done, I thought: "Has SHE lost her freaking mind?"

Then I saw her photo: I thought "She is gorgeous...but apparently has a cold, selfish heart" and "I am glad he posted her photo for the next poor guy, so he can identify her before he gets sucked in by her beauty".

A wolf in sheep's clothing?

When I read what you said about how she let you listen in on a phone conversation with her first ex, I thought:

"Uh, oh. Only a heartless, self centered woman would do that to EITHER the new guy or the ex...how awful; she was using you BOTH for her drama and putting herself into the position as "the center of attention" and the "wanted" woman by two men".

When I read about how she wanted "space" at your jobs....and YOU were the one who had to "leave" a place of 5 years of employment...and it was HER suggestion for "space"? This reason is just too weird, and seems as if she was manipulating YOU.

I am so, so sorry, NY: I think here is something deeply wrong with you wife. She has lost her mind, if ever she had one.

You don't run off and leave your spouse of nine years for some guy...well, I guess some women do, SHE has NOW done it to TWO husbands.

Hmmm.....once a mistake maybe? Twice a habit.

Run NY, Run away from this woman and just think of her jilting as a FAVOR.


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## CrushedInNY (May 24, 2009)

Sandy55 said:


> CINY:
> 
> I've read all your posts on this thread and when done, I thought: "Has SHE lost her freaking mind?"
> 
> I am so, so sorry, NY: I think here is something deeply wrong with you wife. She has lost her mind, if ever she had one.


She didn't come back on 6/6, and she says she's not.
I went from being afraid of how she may or may not mentally breakdown when she got here, into the last 3 days this awful "I'm never going to see her again" empty despair.
Part of me knows it's probably for the best, but I can't say how much I hate that the last day I saw her on 5/16, was that awful night when she sped off in the car.
I wanted to take this time now of us selling the house together to wait whatever amount of days until she calmed down or whatever, and use that time to honor our shared mutual love for all those years....end it with some relaxed positive time together doing "little things" we both enjoyed.

What happened is, on Friday 6/5, the sh*t hit the fan because that was one day before coming back here, and she had been in "disneyland" with this other guy for almost 3 weeks, just using her visa card for everything. Well, I came home from work to a very angry message from her because visa put a hold on her card for late payment. So she told them to take the $1,800 out of the bank, but I had only left $1,000 in the bank in our joint account for emergency cash if she needed it while she was out there. The rest of the money, about $10,000, I moved under my own new account, since she fled the state without telling me, then silence for 4 days, followed by telling me she was "in love with him". So everyone I know told me since we only had a joint bank account, and since she she had no desire to be here anymore, that I needed to protect myself and move all that money since ~I~ am the one in this house with an outstanding mortgage that still owes $144,000+ on it.

I then spent $150 on a lawyer who told me that was my legal right, plus she agreed since Monique left the marriage, home, job, etc that it was the best thing for me to do to insure that Monique wouldn't clean out the bank account for her "new life" with him in Nevada.

As it turns out, my instincts that this new guy had no money and/or financial issues were correct. Monique told me they had no cash to drive the 200 or so miles for the airport trip the next day. I asked her if he had family that could just lend them like $30 for gas money, and she called me back and said "not that it's any of your business but they're all on welfare in trailers, so no, they don't have any cash for us". He apparantly has / had most of his work check garnished and/or held up due to owing so much in back support for all the kids from the previous 2 marriages he had.
So I then called Monique back early saturday morning about 5 hours before she needed to be at the airport, cuz the night before neither of us though of an obvious answer, which was that I could western union some cash to her, so I sent her $100 at her request for gas and food. She then called me back about 20 minutes after her flight was supposed to have left, and claimed she didn't make it to the airport in time.

I then told her on Sunday that I'd be willing to buy her a 1 way ticket for Monday, since she had to be back at work here on Tuesday or get fired. She then told me she'd only do it if I first paid her credit card bills, which were a total of over $4,000. I said no, that I'd split those bills with her after she showed good faith and came back here and worked to help put money into our house. Until then, she has given me no proof that she'd actually come back and I'll be damned if I'm gonna take almost half the money in the bank to pay her CC bills. Luckily for me, she opened both credit cards 10 years ago under her name only on the account and I was just an authorized secondary card holder with the same CC numbers as her. So I spoke to both visa and mastercard and they confirmed for me that if she doesn't pay those bills, that they can't hold me financially responsible even though we're legally married, since only her name is on the accounts.

She blew me off on Sunday about taking me up on me buying her a plane ticket, and instead on Monday she texted her boss at work (she didn't have the guts to call and speak to him), and just texted him that she quits and isn't coming back. She then e-mailed me the same thing about not coming back and asked me to send her some of her work clothes and her laptop because she's looking for a job out there. Since she left on 5/16 with nothing, she just bought some cheap shirts and jeans at wal-mart out there to get by. I agreed to it even though friends here are telling me - "screw her, SHE left, let her worry about how's she's going to get her crap, it's not your problem". While I understand that sentiment, on the other hand, legally speaking everything in this house is joint marrital property so, I think it's better that I just send her one box of clothes and her laptop as a sign of "good faith" in order to maybe prevent her from flying here someday soon and just taking / breaking whatever she wants to here.

I've e-mailed her a lot these last couple of days, including the following - 
“The one sympathy I have for you is that ~I~ know you, and ~I~ know that all these terrible things you’ve done is not the “normal” part of you.
The normal part of you is a warm, caring, giving, nurturing, committed woman, and that’s the Monique that I miss so much.
For whatever reasons, the long dormant irrational part of your personality just exploded suddenly, and that part of you has created mass amounts of heartache and suffering. I know it wasn’t intentional on your part, it’s just a part of inside you that came out which was beyond your control.”

It's worth mentioning that because on the surface, people who don't know her tend to think that at her core, she's some awful selfish person, but she really isn't. She does have a good heart, she just has that one major personality flaw which unfortunately is such a big flaw, that it made this big of a mess.

An old female coworker of ours from 2003 - 2006, who knew and worked with us when we were both in love with each other, was on AIM with me and she couldn't believe this happened because she said -

"KENDRA****9 (10:06:39 AM): Wow does she have any mental health history? I mean this seems so unlike her and she would always talk to me of how the two of you were meant to be together." ..................... and also -

"KENDRA****9 (10:39:11 AM): I cannot imagine what you are going through. I mean if I didn't have kids and my husband left me in the manner she did I would probably kill him. You seem to be handling it very well considering the situation. I think most people would have made the situation violent. That is possibly what she was hoping by telling you in the way she did and then being so open about the relationship so suddenly. Maybe she thought she could get you to hit her or react in another violent way so in her mind she could feel better about what she was doing." 

I then took the above and e-mailed it to Monique along with the following -

"You have to acknowledge to yourself that when women are saying that to me, it has to mean a lot. So yeah, I still believe that ~subconsciously~ (not intentionally on your part) that you were putting me through all that you’re on the phone with him crap because deep down you wanted me to snap…because you know (as do I) that no matter what a girl is doing to a guy, there is never ever a legitimate reason that he can physically assault her, period.
Even with what you went through in the past with others, you were still sitting here with me actually somewhere deep inside your psyche wanting me to hurt you, because you knew that regardless of what you were putting me through, that no reason could justify me being violent to you, so therefore if I did that, you could leave with a clear conscious.
Well, at the end of the day….I won, and so did you, cuz we both knew I never did do that to you, which gives me pride, and ultimately will give you peace of mind in knowing I never attacked you physically. It doesn’t matter that initially you think or thought that I would have, fact is I didn’t, and that’s all that counts.
So I’m proud to tell anyone that after what you did by abandoning us and everything we had together, that I never gave into that level of shame and disgust of violence. You may have taken away from me every shed of any semblance of happiness I ever had, but you can never take that pride from me, and at the end of the day, I’m proud to know that you also know that I never did that to you."


So that's it for now, that's where it stands. I'm just alone and sadder than I ever thought possible. I still love her, and that feeling isn't going to go away anytime soon.


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## krmrswy_19 (May 27, 2009)

I like that you got your point across but if I was you, I would stop writing her all that stuff. You're trying to convince her of things she probably already knows and if I was her, that would just push me away even more. You know in your heart and so does everybody else including her, so why do you need to write her emails telling her those things and then what other people think of her?


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

krmrswy_19 said:


> I like that you got your point across but if I was you, I would stop writing her all that stuff. You're trying to convince her of things she probably already knows and if I was her, that would just push me away even more. You know in your heart and so does everybody else including her, so why do you need to write her emails telling her those things and then what other people think of her?


We say these things because 
A) we're in pain 
B) people like Crushed's spouse and others NEED to see some of the things they chose to ignore
C) Again his spouse and other's need to know they are LOVED, alot of these people are screaming out for more and more people to love them when truely they need to learn to LOVE themselves FIRST.


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## CrushedInNY (May 24, 2009)

krmrswy_19 said - "I like that you got your point across but if I was you, I would stop writing her all that stuff. You're trying to convince her of things she probably already knows and if I was her, that would just push me away even more. You know in your heart and so does everybody else including her, so why do you need to write her emails telling her those things and then what other people think of her?" 



Rhea said:


> We say these things because
> A) we're in pain
> B) people like Crushed's spouse and others NEED to see some of the things they chose to ignore
> C) Again his spouse and other's need to know they are LOVED, alot of these people are screaming out for more and more people to love them when truely they need to learn to LOVE themselves FIRST.


Thanks to both of you for the varying opinions. I have ceased sending Monique "finger pointing" e-mails as of Tuesday 6/16. It was just causing escalating anger back and forth for both of us, nothing was getting accomplished. Yes, she knows what she's done, but still "hiding from most of it" emotionally. Friends of hers that talked to her just days ago, e-mailed me saying that based on what she told them, she doesn't know yet if this is the real deal out there "forever" with him, or if it's just a 10 year itch / fling she needed to get out of her system brought on by depression or whatever. When I e-mailed Monique point blank asking if she considered us over forever (like she did right away with her first husband), she replied with saying she doesn't see herself with me "right now" (nothing like pointing out the obvious since she's not here right now :scratchhead: ) so, I am in a sort of emotional limbo land.

Monique had requested her best clothing and laptop, so I spent $58 shipping it UPS on Thursday 6/18, and yesterday I e-mailed her about what she would like to do about the joint mortgage on our home. Since it's a rational e-mail, hopefully we will start making some progress. I haven't heard from her in 5 days though, so I'll just have to wait and see. Below are excerpts from the long e-mail about our house -

"Hi Monique,

On 6/15 you wrote –

“Put it on the market or i can sign it over or you”

But on 6/16 you wrote –

“Yes i know u need a roomate lots of people do.10 years ago u knew that. That is why u should keep the house and get 2 roomates.”

Can you please clarify whether you want us to put our house on the market or not?
You’ve confused me by saying “put it on the market” one day, but then saying “you should keep the house” the next day.
If you want it to go on the market, then I do know that your signature would be required as well as mine since we’re co-owners.

Please keep in mind that if you decide you want it to be put on the market, that we just have no way of knowing how long it will take to sell.
So IF it doesn’t sell before if or when money runs out, you and I will still face likely foreclosure, no more credit or credit cards for 10 years, etc.
So I’m asking you to please consider / reconsider keeping the option open for what I understand you are choosing so far to not want to do for your own reasons, which is coming back here to work some job wherever (just like I would be) to just bring in enough money to keep the mortgage payments up to avoid foreclosure / ruined credit for both of us until it sells.
You signing the house over to me isn’t an acceptable option to me. I don’t feel that only I should be worried about 10 years of ruined credit when both of us agreed in 2005 to enter into this mortgage together.

I’m not questioning your reasons Monique for why you choose what you choose anymore, I’ve already said all I needed to say to you about my opinions of your choices about what has happened between us up to this point. I’m only asking for some answers about what you want to do with our home, I’m not looking to criticize you on what your answers are or why. I’d like to proceed working our house issue out with you using only rational, non-critical discussion.

I also wanted to mention that in the 3 and a half years that we were paying the mortgage here instead of still renting, that we paid approximately $800 more per month, which = about $35,000 total (about $10,000 per year).

Of course the main point in owning a home and paying out all that extra money every month in a mortgage is because it’s an investment, rather than just “throwing money out the window renting”.
Remember how we used to talk about after 10 years or so, we’d be paying less here monthly in our mortgage, as compared to people renting apartments due to how the cost of living would eventually surpass what our fixed mortgage amount is.

Lets say this was happening in 2012, 3 years from now instead. The economy and housing market could very well be in good shape at that time, and unlike right now in time when Eric A from C.B. Realty has told me that this house is only worth what we paid for it…..in a few years it could be worth more than $200,000, and since both of our names are on it, we could both theoretically walk away in a few years with a profit of $50,000 or more if we sold then ($25,000 each).

If we sell now though, we’ll only break even, and that extra $35,000 we paid out in the last 3 and a half years would have been essentially for nothing.
So from strictly a financial point of view, it doesn’t make sense to sell now (other than avoiding possible foreclosure of course).

If somebody I knew who seemed even remotely sound financially, wanted to move in here tomorrow (which still could theoretically happen at any point in the future), and was splitting the mortgage with me (basically paying your half), I’d be more than fine with it. I in no way want you to feel “forced” to be here paying on our mortgage too if you don’t “have to”. If somebody else can do that other than you, that would be fine. I really would prefer if possible that you’re not “stuck here” feeling like you have to do this, and then you’d maybe be feeling unhappy throughout the process. I don’t want that for you, if you don’t want that for you, honestly.

I don’t know yet if we can do something like both of us working here and paying the mortgage for a relatively short time, having the house on the market, but then taking it off the market if I were to get a solid roommate, so then you could go back out west if you chose to.
The point to that again being in keeping this investment instead of it just being a $35,000 luxury we both had for these few years.

I’ve joined online dating sites a few days ago even though I’m not yet ready emotionally for it. However, it could take months (or more, or less?) for me to meet and/or click with anyone.
I haven’t corresponded with anyone yet. I figured though, leave the option open for me since if I were to meet someone, be in a solid relationship for months, and they live in an apartment somewhere locally paying rent, then maybe she could move in here, sort of like what bob and roz did after being together awhile.
From my standpoint being in a house, if you’re a single woman who is looking for someone, I look pretty good “on paper” (no jokes please about some poor woman having to “put up with me”, j/k ;-) ) since I’m co-owner in a house with a wife who has removed herself from being in the marriage actively. 

If you have any other ideas or points of view other than what I’ve presented in this e-mail, please feel free to let me know.
If you don’t have any other ideas, then is there anything in this e-mail in which you agree with and/or choose to do?"


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## CrushedInNY (May 24, 2009)

Okay so she wrote me back a few hours ago and only said this -

"You can keep the house or not. If you dont want it sell it. Nothing confusing about that. I am sure there is someone in the world for everyone. I hope things work out for you."

I then replied - "If I choose to sell, you have to agree though and sign the papers, are you okay with that?"
As for "nothing confusing", I was just referring to you saying "sell the house" one day, but then "keep the house" the next day. I figured whichever one you want (if you have a preference) is valid since both of our names are on the mortgage, that's all. I was just trying to be considerate."

She then last replied with -

"yeah typing on a computer helps"

What she means by that is it's a pain to type and send e-mails on her phone, since she doesn't have a computer and/or her laptop yet. Still though, it sure seems like she's avoiding on purpose answering the question of whether she will sign the papers for putting our house up for sale. 

I'm at a loss for what to do anymore with her, she's just not communicating well with me at all, she seems to be acting like her entire life before 1 month ago just doesn't even exist, and she's just trying to wash her hands of everything. It's not that simple though when a stilll legally married couple have both of their names on a house mortgage.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Stop talking to that women, go no contact with her now. Get yourself an attorney and file for divorce now! Empty all joint accounts and get yourself a new acount at a diferent bank. Let your attorney handle her from now on. She left you, let her suffer the consequences.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

sirch said:


> Stop talking to that women, go no contact with her now. Get yourself an attorney and file for divorce now! Empty all joint accounts and get yourself a new acount at a diferent bank. Let your attorney handle her from now on. She left you, let her suffer the consequences.


Totally agree with Sirch. The attorney can deal with getting a response about the house.


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## CrushedInNY (May 24, 2009)

sirch said:


> Stop talking to that women, go no contact with her now. Get yourself an attorney and file for divorce now! Empty all joint accounts and get yourself a new acount at a diferent bank. Let your attorney handle her from now on. She left you, let her suffer the consequences.


The joint accounts were moved under my name only after she originally flew out of state without telling me, to be with another man, and then didn't contact me at all for 4 days.

I did meet with a lawyer in early June and she told me that it was best that I was holding on to the money, since she fled the state and was telling me and others that she was "in love with him" and didn't want to be here. The female lawyer actually commended me for never hitting her, and there being no record of domestic violence between us. She said most guys would have lost it and became violent, and then also broken or burned her things, which I didn't do either, it's beneath me. Burning her clothes isn't going to make me feel better or fix our financial problems.

Since Monique has not returned to see out her joint financial responsibilities with me, I'm using that money towards her half of it, and keeping track of the dollar amounts. 

As for divorce, NY is the toughest. You have to be legally separated for 1 year first, followed by divorce. The lawyer said I would win based on "cruel and inhuman treatment", but it would cost $800 for the separation, followed by 3 - 4,000 for the divorce. I don't have that kind of $$$ to spend.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

More advice you don't want to hear, SPEND IT! Have your attorney start doing whatever it takes to dissolve your marriage.


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## CrushedInNY (May 24, 2009)

sirch said:


> More advice you don't want to hear, SPEND IT! Have your attorney start doing whatever it takes to dissolve your marriage.


I'm waiting for the lawyer to call me back to set up an appointment.
Monique says she's filing for divorce in Nevada. I looked it up, and yes, she can file for divorce from any state she wants. Nevada only requires 6 weeks of being there to file a divorce.

HOWEVER, where I'm lost right now (I know this is what a lawyer is for, but I'm just REALLY curious to get an answer now), is that Monique claims the following, these are her words in an e-mail to me -

"You just need to tell me if you want to do it the easy way or the hard way. If you and i file jointly its fast and easy and cheap. If you contest it you have to fly here and nevada law will divide everything in half no matter what. If you dont show up i win. So you see i win no matter what." 

I can't find anywhere online that says that even though she CAN file in Nevada, that Nevada divorce laws would apply to a New York marriage / divorce. ALL of our marital property is here in NY, always has been for our 10 year marriage, so it just doesn't make any sense to me that Nevada laws can dictate our divorce. Let alone that I'd have to fly to NV for any reason. NV is a community property state, I found that online, but NY isn't. So Nevada divorce law says that if we didn't agree on who gets what, then Nevada would spilt everything 50/50, but again, how can Nevada laws apply to everything being New York based which has different divorce laws? :scratchhead:


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## CrushedInNY (May 24, 2009)

I'm not doing well emotionally at all.
I met with a lawyer here for 1 hour two days ago.

Monique is filing for divorce now in Nevada, and if I contest it, I will legally have to go to Nevada from here in New York to be in a courtroom with her. I can't say how much I DON'T want to have to do that. I'd rather never see her again as compared to seeing her one more time only, and that being in a courtroom. I spent weeks here, I guess in denial to a degree, thinking she'd come around rationally and if not come back here to work on our marriage, then at least come back to work and save our house from being foreclosed and ruining our credit for 10 years. But she's so irrational since she left, that she actually has e-mailed me saying she doesn't care if the house gets foreclosed. 

The lawyer here told me it's not worth the thousands it would cost me to do a New York divorce, since our financial and property assets are so little (other than the house). Monique wants $5,000, about half the $$$ that was in the bank before I moved it under my name. The lawyer told me that any judge would most likely by far would NOT award her the $$$ due to Monque's name being on the mortage too, so she's financially responsible for paying half the mortgage every month, but she hasn't been. Instead, I've been paying it and keeping track of her end of the $$$, and so far she's up to $2,000 spent on things which are in her name too as well as mine.

Monique is also dragging her feet signing the paperwork to put the house on the market, and since it's in both of our names, I can't put it up for sale without her signature too. The only way I can float this $1,300 mortgage is IF I find a full time job paying at least $15 per hour, which is not easy at all to find in this area, PLUS I'll need a roommate to split the mortgage with me. Locally I tried with everyone I even remotely know and nobody needs a place now, so it looks like I'll have to post on craigs list or something and interview strangers. Even with that though, the house can be on the market for sale and then taken off the market if I have a roommate, but, Monique is also threatening an estate sale if I don't give her the $$$ and everything else she wants. She can do it too I found out, so how many strangers would want to move into a house under those circumstances? 

I'm at the end of my rope here, I just don't know what to do anymore. All I see in my near future is foreclosure, the house gone, me with ruined credit for 10 years, and lots of landlords just for renting an apartment do credit checks, so I may well have lots of trouble just renting a cheap apartment.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I'm so sorry for you, but at the same time, I see you did this to another man--her first husband. What did you expect? She demonstrated then that she was too selfish for marriage--I will not condemn her all around; each of us has strong and weak points. But clearly, she had no qualms about leaving husband #1 in exactly the way she has now left you. PLEASE get the help you need to get through this AND to help you develop the selfesteem that will prevent you from making this mistake in the future with another woman. First and foremost, stop any relationship that seems to be developing or has already developed, the moment you find out someone is married. That is only one small level of protection, but it's an easy one. I hope your heart ache heals and you find your way to true happiness.


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## CrushedInNY (May 24, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> I'm so sorry for you, but at the same time, I see you did this to another man--her first husband. What did you expect? She demonstrated then that she was too selfish for marriage--I will not condemn her all around; each of us has strong and weak points. But clearly, she had no qualms about leaving husband #1 in exactly the way she has now left you.


Actually there were key differences between her first husband and myself. When she married him at 18, it was so he could get military benefits, she only thought of him as a friend. She spent literally years telling him that she wasn't in love with him, that she wanted a boyfriend, etc. Her best friend and family also confirmed for me that was the case, but yet he chose to spend years with a woman who felt that way about him. Also, their divorce was filed, signed, and finalized weeks before she came to NY to be with me. Monique and I weren't even in the same physical location yet before she was divorced. With me and her though, she left me when we weren't even legally separated, let alone divorced.

Myself though, I saw NONE of this coming up until the end. As late as only 3 weeks before she left, she was lying to me and saying she loved me and wanted to be with me. Her best friend and family also confirmed for me that unlike her first husband, all they heard from her for 8 - 9 years was that she was in love with me and that we were made for each other. So, if she had been telling me for just weeks, forget about as long as months or years, that she loved me as only a friend and wanted to have a boyfriend, then I would have been the one saying we need to split up, work together to sell our house first, etc. 
Monique didn't give me the "respect" that she gave her first husband because at least he knew where he stood, but she lied to me about her love for me (at least in the last year or so).


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I think you are splitting hairs on the way she treated each of you. You said she left her first husband quickly to be with you-- and later you say HE lived with her knowing how she felt, but the truth is, SHE stayed with him until she found someone else (you). That's the point I'm trying to make--more about her than anything else, and a warning sign you missed. I'm truly very sorry and there are lots of people who make the same mistake, thinking that the first/previous partner was the problem and YOUR relationship with this person will be different. But that person often keeps making the same mistakes and/or repeating the same behaviors, as Monique has done. I'm just trying to warn you, that's all. Yes, she has ditched you quicker, but the pattern is still the same. And since she's obviously a liar, how can you be sure she wasn't lying to her family/friends about her feelings for you? If she gave them the same line about you that she did about her first husband (oh, i don't really love him. . . ) then she looks like an idiot who made the same exact mistake twice. Her BEHAVIOR says, she didn't love YOU that much, she loved what she got from being married to you--probably your devotion. She probably ate that up for a while and then needed to get it from someone new, another challenge, another worshipper, who she'll dump when his worship stops satisfying her. You are so much better off without someone like this in your life, and I hope you will get counseling to help you see it. Best of luck.


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## CrushedInNY (May 24, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> I think you are splitting hairs on the way she treated each of you. You said she left her first husband quickly to be with you-- and later you say HE lived with her knowing how she felt, but the truth is, SHE stayed with him until she found someone else (you). That's the point I'm trying to make--more about her than anything else, and a warning sign you missed. I'm truly very sorry and there are lots of people who make the same mistake, thinking that the first/previous partner was the problem and YOUR relationship with this person will be different. But that person often keeps making the same mistakes and/or repeating the same behaviors, as Monique has done. I'm just trying to warn you, that's all. Yes, she has ditched you quicker, but the pattern is still the same. And since she's obviously a liar, how can you be sure she wasn't lying to her family/friends about her feelings for you? If she gave them the same line about you that she did about her first husband (oh, i don't really love him. . . ) then she looks like an idiot who made the same exact mistake twice. Her BEHAVIOR says, she didn't love YOU that much, she loved what she got from being married to you--probably your devotion. She probably ate that up for a while and then needed to get it from someone new, another challenge, another worshipper, who she'll dump when his worship stops satisfying her. You are so much better off without someone like this in your life, and I hope you will get counseling to help you see it. Best of luck.


You bring up an interesting point of view, and you may indeed be right, so I thank you for your insight. Nobody else I know personally has mentioned the possibility of what you said.
I still think though that she should have told me what she told her first husband, because if she did, we could have at least sat here together as platonic roommates waiting until our house sold. My financial disaster right now is just as important to me as the emotional heartache I'm going through.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

CrushedInNY said:


> I still think though that she should have told me what she told her first husband, because if she did, we could have at least sat here together as platonic roommates waiting until our house sold. My financial disaster right now is just as important to me as the emotional heartache I'm going through.


Oh, I am definitely not defending what she did, just trying to show the pattern. She absolutely owed you a LOT more than what she gave you--hence, my conclusion that you are better off without her. She is extremely selfish and sounds very narcissitic. No happiness down that road, long term.

My husband is obsessed with finances right now and I'm trying to make the financial impact as little as possible. We do not want to put our house for sale in this market, so we plan to refinance, get the mortgage down enough for one person to handle most of it, and find the least expensive apt. for the other one of us, depending on where the apt. is. The kids will stay in the house while he and I take turns being there with them. This is only until next summer, when we will put the house up for sale regardless of the market at that time. I'm willing to wait, but not forever. She owes you $$$ toward the mortgage, if her name is on it, but the hassle of collecting might not be worth it. I hope it works out better than you expect. 

Oh, and beware if she tries to come crawling back after finding out what a loser she has run to. Make up your mind before hand whether you would even consider it or not and under what circumstances. Sounds like she is going to be totally broke and that will put a huge strain on the new relationship, and you may start to look pretty good again. Be prepared.


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## CrushedInNY (May 24, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> Oh, I am definitely not defending what she did, just trying to show the pattern. She absolutely owed you a LOT more than what she gave you--hence, my conclusion that you are better off without her. She is extremely selfish and sounds very narcissitic. No happiness down that road, long term.
> 
> My husband is obsessed with finances right now and I'm trying to make the financial impact as little as possible. We do not want to put our house for sale in this market, so we plan to refinance, get the mortgage down enough for one person to handle most of it, and find the least expensive apt. for the other one of us, depending on where the apt. is. The kids will stay in the house while he and I take turns being there with them. This is only until next summer, when we will put the house up for sale regardless of the market at that time. I'm willing to wait, but not forever. She owes you $$$ toward the mortgage, if her name is on it, but the hassle of collecting might not be worth it. I hope it works out better than you expect.
> 
> Oh, and beware if she tries to come crawling back after finding out what a loser she has run to. Make up your mind before hand whether you would even consider it or not and under what circumstances. Sounds like she is going to be totally broke and that will put a huge strain on the new relationship, and you may start to look pretty good again. Be prepared.


Once again, I find myself reading your words and nodding up and down in agreement. I think you are a wise woman, so thank you again for your time and insight. 
I'm glad for you that you and your husband collectively have the responsibility to try to work things out in the way you described. Yes, I've already thought of the possibility (and others have pointed it out to me too) that she may come crawling back to me after the other guy doesn't work out as she hopes. Considering how awful his financial situation is, it may just not. I'm almost sorry to admit though, that at this point, if I get a phone call like that from her, I'd probably still say okay BUT, only with extensive counseling, both maritally and individually, before I'd even consider hopping back into marriage and/or our bed together. There's no way at this point I could forgive and forget, because anytime she'd be on the phone or on the computer, I'd be wondering what she's doing or who she's talking to, and a marriage without a trust is no marriage at all.


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## CrushedInNY (May 24, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> I think you are splitting hairs on the way she treated each of you. You said she left her first husband quickly to be with you-- and later you say HE lived with her knowing how she felt, but the truth is, SHE stayed with him until she found someone else (you). That's the point I'm trying to make--more about her than anything else, and a warning sign you missed. I'm truly very sorry and there are lots of people who make the same mistake, thinking that the first/previous partner was the problem and YOUR relationship with this person will be different. But that person often keeps making the same mistakes and/or repeating the same behaviors, as Monique has done. I'm just trying to warn you, that's all. Yes, she has ditched you quicker, but the pattern is still the same. And since she's obviously a liar, how can you be sure she wasn't lying to her family/friends about her feelings for you? If she gave them the same line about you that she did about her first husband (oh, i don't really love him. . . ) then she looks like an idiot who made the same exact mistake twice. Her BEHAVIOR says, she didn't love YOU that much, she loved what she got from being married to you--probably your devotion. She probably ate that up for a while and then needed to get it from someone new, another challenge, another worshipper, who she'll dump when his worship stops satisfying her. You are so much better off without someone like this in your life, and I hope you will get counseling to help you see it. Best of luck.


I was looking through old archived sent e-mails tonight, and I found this e-mail from Monique to her mom from July 2008, just 10 months before she left.......

"Haha, I stay because he’s cute and I like him. Life is life… at least it’s not life with Robert. Blech. I don’t think I remember what you mean by me going to his friends houses with him. Frank doesn’t have friends really. I work, I see people at work all the time. Robert didn’t even like it when I worked because I would get restless and want to leave. Frank isn’t perfect, but neither is anyone. I love him though. I actually think he’s probably the most suited for me person on the planet, but I don’t know everyone on the planet. There are just things I wish he felt different about, like meeting you guys.

Monique"

So was she lying to her mom or not? I don't know, but I thought it was interesting that I ran across this since you touched upon the subject.


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## CrushedInNY (May 24, 2009)

I'm waiting on divorce papers from Monique now, she supposedly filed them a few days ago. There was no communication between us for close to 2 weeks, things got even uglier in e-mail. On July 9th I dug deeper online to see what I could find out about this guy she's with, because he pissed me off a day earlier when he actually e-mailed me and said "I won, sign the papers". We had no communication prior, and that's just a lowlife thing to say to me. So, I found a court document online of him from 2002 where a 1 year restraining order was filed against him for domestic violence by some woman he was with at the time. That really set me off after all of Monique's BS after she left me of having to "flee for her safety" from me after 10 years together of me never physically hurting her. I sent the domestic violence link to her and 2 days later she e-mailed me back nastier than ever denying that he hits women, and she called me scum for "trying to take away what she loves", and she also said - "Alton would like you to please come to Reno to contest the divorce he has a suprise for you and if you don't come his jersey friend would LOVE to come deliver it in person." 
Great, threats, that's just wonderful. 

There was a lot of other ugliness in that e-mail, but then silence after it, which was mainly for the best. The only thing that bugged me was I've been trying to find a home unsuccessfully for 2 of our 4 cats, so I e-mailed her asking if she would fly back to take 2 of them, but no reply. I said I could have a friend take them to the airport so her and I wouldn't even have to see each other, but still no reply. I can understand not discussing "us" but since we still have outstanding shared things here, lines of communication need to be open for those topics. After days and days of no reply, I then saw that she went into my own my space account, she knew the password, I hadn't changed it since she left. Even though her and I are no longer on each others buddy list, and have private profiles so that we can't even see each others pages, she logged into my account anyway and deleted all the pictures of her and us together. 

So after that, I sent her the below e-mail because I figured it would get her attention, and it did.....

"WHY and WHAT is your motivation to try and “erase” our history of how you felt at the time about us?
You can’t change your true feelings from 2006 by deleting comments and removing pictures in 2009 of you and us.
You should apologize for logging into my accounts and doing that, and also apologize for the way you left me coupled with lying to me about loving and wanting me 3 weeks before you left while at the same time you were already sneaking behind my back setting up your new adulteress relationship with Alton. It won’t be difficult for you to just apologize for all of that.
If you don’t apologize either by replying to this or calling me to say it, then I’ll seriously consider uploading video online of us from 1999. I think you know the video I’m talking about, it was the only time we made that specific type of video of us."

Now, I'm not actually going to upload video online of us having sex. However, her just knowing that I could if I wanted to, and her worrying about that, is enough for me. She's kicking herself right now because it was her idea 10 years ago to do video of us in bed. She wrote me back quickly, no apology, and only said - "You are not authorized to display any pictures of me without my approval. That is also the case with any video. I don't suggest that you upload and or display photos and or video of me on the internet without my permission. I will sue you."

Sue or not sue, doesn't matter to me since I'm not going to do it anyway. She then got on yahoo messenger with me briefly the same day, but that didn't get me anywhere either......

"thenybg : if you didn't need the MC for divorce papers, then why haven't I gotten them?
monique : because i was filing for a waiver to not pay 300 bucks
monique : and they denied me
thenybg : so I don't have them cuz you haven't actually filed them yet?
monique : i did yesterday
thenybg : ok so if you didn't lie about the MC, that's not the same though as you saying you haven't lied about anything.....you were already communicating with alton in late april, but at the same time telling me you loved and wanted to be with me, but 3 weeks later you were with him and then calling me 4 days later telling me you were in love with him
thenybg : something in there isn't true
thenybg : and I'm sure sadly that the untrue part is about you still loving me in late april
thenybg : look I know there's no "fixing us" at this point....all I'm asking for is just a little bit of sorrow and apology for how we ended, so that we can move on easier without further anger betwen us
monique : of course it's sad how it ended. I didn't want it to go like that at all, but you have to see your part also, you were/are scary and I I had to go where I felt safe. 
monique : please stop making it scary and bad, you have the ability to make it better and you keep choosing instead to continue torturing me"

I'm just still blown away that she refuses to apologize for anything after 2+ months of being gone. The fact that she still defaults to me being "scary", and also saying she felt safe going to a stranger 3000 miles away who could have done anything to her when she got there, murdered her in her sleep, who knows, is just completely unrealistic. She obviously is still in such denial about how terrible it was in the way she left me, that she just doesnt want to / can't face the guilt. I think it's starting to slowly catch up to her though since she's so desparate to "erase" us that she even feels the need to delete pictures of us from my own my space account. 

Originally weeks ago she said she would be putting in the divorce papers that she wanted $5,000, which I told her no way to since she wasn't paying on her half of the mortgage, and I told her the lawyer I talked to said it was almost a guarantee that a judge wouldn't award that half of the $$$ in the bank to her for that reason. So, the one piece of good news I got from her on yahoo messenger was this -

"monique : when the divorce is final, you will have to give me money anyways, i only asked for 2 grand, you will see in the papers when you get them"

I'm assuming she talked to legal aid or whoever and they told her the same thing about the $$$ and her end of the mortgage, etc. So, what I think she's doing now is asking for 2K only, because she knows how much I don't want to have to fly to Nevada for a contested divorce and stand in a courtroom with her. It would cost me close to $1,000 in plane tickets, hotel, etc, so I think she knows I'd rather just give up an extra thousand or so by just agreeing to it and having the divorce be uncontested. 

Finally, even though I made it previously clear to her that if she flew here to get the cats, that there was no need for us to see each other, and also that I didn't want to have to go see her in a courtroom in Nevada, she still said this in yahoo messenger -

"monique : it is clear you are desperate to talk with me/see me
monique : you are trying to hurt me and get me to come back any way that you can and I just can't keep playing the games with you."

I'm at a loss there for logic. Is she so messed up emotionally that she actually wants me to want her, even though she doesn't want me anymore? :scratchhead:


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

"I'm at a loss there for logic. Is she so messed up emotionally that she actually wants me to want her, even though she doesn't want me anymore?" 

The reason you are at a loss for LOGIC is because you are trying to deal LOGICALLY with a nut job, Crushed! 

It is very difficult when sane to talk to an insane person. Truly. It feels rather like trying to nail jello to the wall. You have the right size nail  you have the right size hammer  but the darn stuff won't hold together so you can make a cohesive LOGIC statement: jello nailed to tree.

STOP communicating with HER. 
Communicate with a sane person: your attorney. That is what you are PAYING him/her for!

Of course she wants you to want her even though she doesn't want you! She is a nut job, it is her job to do insane crap and think irrational things. 

She is sucking you in, and YOU seem to keep trying to get sucked in! STOP IT. Or you are going to become a nut job too! 

(Am concerned she has a new guy who is PROVEN nut job, and dangerous. Stay away from HER as HE may be dangerous. Lots of nut jobs out there, Crushed!). 

If you want to rid yourself of HER cats, MAIL them to her LAWYER, via YOUR LAWYER! :rofl:

FED EX MEEEEOOOOWWWWW


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## CrushedInNY (May 24, 2009)

Sandy55 said:


> "I'm at a loss there for logic. Is she so messed up emotionally that she actually wants me to want her, even though she doesn't want me anymore?"
> 
> The reason you are at a loss for LOGIC is because you are trying to deal LOGICALLY with a nut job, Crushed!
> 
> ...


Yes, but unfortunately for me I've always had a weak spot for when I feel I've been unjustifiably wronged. She's done so many wrong things to me throughout all of this, but the one aspect I said above is the one thing I keep coming back to the most. It makes me so angry and still negatively affects me everyday, and I'd feel better if she would just tell me that she's sorry for what she did and that she knows it was wrong.

As for her being with a guy who has a history of hitting women, that's out of my control. She made the choice to go be there with him, and still be there with him. While I don't wish any harm on her in the form of him hitting her, if it does happen, she let herself be in that situation. As for him being dangerous to me? Whatever. I have enough cliched male ego in me that more than once I've thought about being face to face with him and how much I'd enjoy getting into it with him. It's not gonna happen though with them being 3000 miles away. I really don't think I'm going to see Monique ever again for the rest of my life.


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## CrushedInNY (May 24, 2009)

I need to get out of this house, this state, everything about here. I can't find anyone here who I even remotely know who is looking for a place or roommate right now. I feel like I'm seriously going to have some form of emotional breakdown very soon if I don't leave. I don't want her or our marriage anymore, but the ghost of her, I see her everywhere in this house, when I go food shopping, etc. I see the woman who was so good to me for 9 out of 10 years, but she's gone now forever.

I have a friend down south where the cost of living is a fraction of here in NY state which is out of control. We were on craigslist and there are apartments and houses there for rent which are literally 50% or more less expensive than NY state.
He looked at a house rental for me today 20 minutes away from him for only $450 per month, plus the minimum wage down there is the same as here. The house is kind of run down / old he said, he's e-mailing me pictures shortly, but it's in a good neighborhood. I'm probably going to have to take it regardless. Our still legally joint mortgage is $1,300 per month. I'm going to run out of saved up $$$ 3 months from now if I don't leave. So the plan is to get me the place down there secured this week, and then I'll leave NY at the end of August. The real estate guy is gonna talk to the bank about a short sale, which messes up credit but doesn't actually ruin it for 10 years like a foreclosure does. Regardless of whether a short sale happens, or foreclosure instead, I HAVE to leave here. Just getting through 1 more month here will be pushing me to the brink of sanity. 

The thought of packing up and taking whatever will fit in a u-haul, driving almost 1000 miles, scares me but not as much as staying here does. My thoughts of death in the last week have been the worst they've been since right after she left. I need to leave here to literally survive both emotionally and financially, and I want to survive for the most part, so I'm trying.


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## CrushedInNY (May 24, 2009)

CrushedInNY said:


> Originally weeks ago she said she would be putting in the divorce papers that she wanted $5,000, which I told her no way to since she wasn't paying on her half of the mortgage, and I told her the lawyer I talked to said it was almost a guarantee that a judge wouldn't award that half of the $$$ in the bank to her for that reason. So, the one piece of good news I got from her on yahoo messenger was this -
> 
> "monique byerly : when the divorce is final, you will have to give me money anyways, i only asked for 2 grand, you will see in the papers when you get them"
> 
> I'm assuming she talked to legal aid or whoever and they told her the same thing about the $$$ and her end of the mortgage, etc. So, what I think she's doing now is asking for 2K only, because she knows how much I don't want to have to fly to Nevada for a contested divorce and stand in a courtroom with her. It would cost me close to $1,000 in plane tickets, hotel, etc, so I think she knows I'd rather just give up an extra thousand or so by just agreeing to it and having the divorce be uncontested.


That lying bi*ch! I got the divorce papers, and yeah, she asked for $2,000 BUT, she "forgot" to mention that she also requests that I take over the Visa card which is in HER NAME only and is owed $5,000 on it! That's $7,000 total, I don't have it, I can't pay it, so now it's gonna be a contested divorce. I can't say how much I hate her now.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

she is a nut. certifiably, i'd bet, if you could get her to sit still long enough for an evaluation. and who knows, that might be coming in the pending court proceedings. although divorce courts tend to be "wham bam thank you ma'am" events. i'd hope she'd show her true self in court and a judge with some scruples (ha!) would send her off to be evaluated. pipe dream.

you'll do better without this basket case. does that help your mental state? prob. not.

btw, i'd document the veiled threat of the guy who would "take care of you" and i'd buy a defense weapon. and learn how to use it. your safety is worth more than that scumbag's life.


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## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

I'd suggest you get some help such as counseling.


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## CrushedInNY (May 24, 2009)

Well, I arrived in South Carolina a few days ago. On the upside, it's nice to look around an apartment and not see her "ghost" around me. The job hunt is on now. 

Since I last posted about a month ago, I actually had (at one point) changed my mind and was going to agree to the divorce and let her Visa CC be switched over from her name to my name, just to get this all over with.
However, she lied to me yet again when she e-mailed me after she talked to Visa and told me that they were sending me paper work to sign and then for her to sign, then the account would be closed and be in my name. When I got it though, I read it and what it actually said was that first I had to be added to her account as a joint card holder first before she could take her name off of the card. So, I e-mailed her saying no way, not in this lifetime. Obviously the last thing 2 people do when divorcing is enter into any joint financial agreement together. Her Visa card has a 14K limit on it, so 9K is still available since she stopped using it once she got it up to 5K. It was obvious to me that since she knew, but didn't tell me, that I'd have to be on the card jointly with her, that she was gonna go out and max out the card right away spending 9K, then take her name off it, leaving me legally stuck with the card being at 14K instead of 5K. She wrote back to me....this was a few weeks back....and said "If you contest the divorce I'll never speak to you again, don't even e-mail me, I won't reply, I'm blocking you". So that was that, no communication since which is fine with me. I sent the court and her my contested divorce papers, to which in the section of "wife shall receive the following debts", I listed - "all individual credit card accounts under wife's name". 

It was 2 weeks ago that she and the court got my divorce papers, but I haven't heard a word yet. I did notice that the address I sent her the papers certified mail with a return receipt, that it was signed for by somebody else, so I have no idea if she got them or not, I didn't know the name of the woman who signed for them. The woman at the Nevada court told me on the phone though that it's not my problem to chase her down if she doesn't provide me with her correct address.

So the divorce sits in limbo for now, and also our house in NY is on the market for sale, but the bank will only allow 3 months with no payments before they'll likely start foreclosure proceedings. So we have until 11/1 for it to sell, and if not, there goes our credit ruined for 10 years plus our existing CC's will be turned off. On a related note, once I knew I was leaving the house and NY state for sure, I asked her to actually move back into the house with her scummy "boyfriend" so that they both could work there and keep paying the mortgage until the house sells to avoid foreclosure since 2 people working can swing the mortgage (unlike me alone when she left me). She said no and I couldn't figure it out since they're living in poverty in a trailer in Nevada. Then I found out that since he's been sued for so much back child support, and still owes so much, that he's basically a prisoner of the state and would be arrested if left Nevada. Oh joy of joys this loser who she hooked up with.


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## chinUp (Sep 15, 2009)

it seems to me this guy was talking through her and advising her to get the most money out of you in the quickest easiest fashion.

If she is allowing this (i hope you are certain she has no mental illness) do not show any leniency. Just because you love a woman does not make them a saint. 

PLS...if you do get back together *i can understand the mind says its a bad idea but...you just cant help it*(remember keep your finances seperate from now on so you are not at all in the same situation again if she does a runner)

Realise she must have known what you would or atleast have some idea what you must be going through with all the legal obligations.

tbh i want her to crawl back as you said , and for you to get some pay back against these 2 individuals...*sorry if it sounds harsh just my thought though


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## CrushedInNY (May 24, 2009)

I've been in S.C. for just over a month now and applied for many jobs online and haven't even received replies to come in for interviews. This is some really scary sh*t. I'm going to have to go down to unemployment with my resume and see what they can do for me.
I was going to go there a week ago but I've spent the last few weeks in divorce related papers hell.

I found out that I have a good chance at getting a Nevada judge to release jurisdiction from Nevada so that the state of NY can divide our property and assets instead. That would be MUCH better for me since NY isn't a "no fault" state, unlike Nevada which is. Monique even rubbed it in my face through e-mail over the summer that Nevada "doesn't care who did what to who". It's just not right that she should get half of everything after what she did. As I've been informed several times, a NY judge will primarily care about one main thing, which is the fact that she walked out on an outstanding $143,000 house mortgage, from a 10 year marriage with no domestic violence on record. She SHOULD be judged on that and held accountable.
So, TWICE in the last few weeks, since I don't have $$$ for a lawyer, I've filled out and sent the Nevada court a motion to release jurisdiction. They rejected it BOTH times, once for some missing legal codes, 2nd time for "improper formatting and wrong type of paper" (yes, seriously).

On 10/6, Monique went to the court for an "order to set", for trying to get a date set for divorce trial, since she REJECTED my contested divorce offer. I looked on the court website with our case #, and it shows that the judge set a date on 12/3/09 for a "case management conference". From what I looked up, it appears that the purpose of that is so the judge can get us to agree on who gets what (I THINK and hope I can appear via telephone). Rather than the court having to deal with a divorce trial over our measly property and assets, by the judge setting a CMC, it seems that they just want to get us out of their hair.
That's good for me, worse for Monique because she wanted this over in August, and now she knows she has to wait at least another 2 months to see anything. Still though, I spoke to the court and they let me know that I have up until 12/3 to submit "correctly" my motion for jurisdictional removal. If it gets moved back to NY, Monique won't want to fly 3000 miles to be in a non no fault state, just like I don't want to fly 3000 miles to be in a no fault state.

Monique hasn't made any contact with me since mid-August when I let her know I was contesting the divorce over what I explained awhile ago about her Visa card. She blocked me from everything, her e-mails, facebook, etc. I know that's for the best though.
I put as my facebook status message tonight - "Alone for going on 5 months now, the most lonely time of my life. How can one be so cold as to leave the other one alone, when they themself were too scared to be alone??"
I'm just not making it through this nearly well enough on my own. This apartment is a mess, I hardly unpacked anything. I have no desire to, this isn't my home. My HOME is 800 miles away and I had to leave it due to the situation that Monique put me in. Nobody has even LOOKED at our house, let alone bought it. I'm going to have to go to therapy if I can find somewhere that either does sliding scale or free. No job yet, no insurance, I have no $$$ for expensive therapy. This is still all so overwhelming for me everyday, easily the worst time of my life by far.


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## CrushedInNY (May 24, 2009)

I'm losing it all.....our house gets foreclosed next week, and the case management conference where the judge divides what we had when she abandoned out marriage, house, 4 cats, etc also happens next week. I finally found a full time job that i'm over qualified for at only $8 an hour. I can't survive on that , let alone pay her anything in the divorce settlement, so I still need to find NOW a part time job and work 60 hours a week just to live hand to mouth with rent, bills, car payment, food. And i'm bothering with this why? 6 months of takimg all this day to day, alone, no family, what;s the point? Right, there isnt any.


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

CrushedInNY said:


> I'm losing it all.....our house gets foreclosed next week, and the case management conference where the judge divides what we had when she abandoned out marriage, house, 4 cats, etc also happens next week. I finally found a full time job that i'm over qualified for at only $8 an hour. I can't survive on that , let alone pay her anything in the divorce settlement, so I still need to find NOW a part time job and work 60 hours a week just to live hand to mouth with rent, bills, car payment, food. And i'm bothering with this why? 6 months of takimg all this day to day, alone, no family, what;s the point? Right, there isnt any.


I know exactly how you feel, and I am not going to say it will get better because that is not what you want to hear. My divorce is still not final and my ex is getting meaner and meaner. She did this, and she thinks she has the right to demand, decide and act like a freaking bit** because it suits her. My only happiness comes from the fact that my son does not want to be near her, today is Thanksgiving and he refused to visit. My girls also prefer to be with me so that makes me happy. She will take no responsibility for her actions, everything is someone elses fault. I hear your pain and I understand it. If you would like to talk in person or IM let me know. Maybe talking with someone who is also going through some craziness will help you..


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## CrushedInNY (May 24, 2009)

Our divorce was final as of 12/28. There were 2 case management conferences in the 1st and 2nd week of December, and fortunately for me I was granted permission at the last minute to "appear in court" via speakerphone. So I was on the phone while Monique was in the courtroom with the judge. That was the first time since last summer that I had heard her voice or had any contact with her, so I was really nervous, but I held it together. We debated back and forth a bit about who was going to get what, but I held my ground and refused to take over her $5,000 in debt credit card, and all I was still willing to do was offer her $4,000 @ only $100 per month, which was only 25% of our assets.
That was what I offered her when I contested the divorce in August but she refused it. So I was taking a gamble because if we didn't come to an agreement in the case management conference, then an actual divorce trial would have been set. I was also glad to hear the judge, even with Nevada being a "no fault" 50/50 split state, ask us what happened when she left. Monique spoke first, and then I spoke and kept it brief and to the main point. That being that she is co-owner of a house and mortgage with $144,000 owed on it, in which she walked out without warning, bought a 1 way plane ticket on the spot, never came back even though I encouraged her to come back to live up to her end of our house responsibility, and also that she fled from a 10 year marriage in which there was never any domestic violence. 
I know she hated having to stand there silent, in front of a judge, while I said all that. So I believe that she gave in and accepted my $4,000 offer because she didn't want to have to possibly go through all of that again in a court in a divorce trial.
So all in all, I couldn't have asked for a much better outcome in the divorce financially speaking. 

In other good news, while the bank did indeed foreclose on the house at the end of November, last week the PMI company that holds the mortgage insurance on the house, called me about wanting to work with me (us) about saving it. So, they requested certain documentation from me to prove that I (we) are a "hardship" case financially. It's in review right now and it looks very likely that they will approve it. If they do, the bank told me when I called them that they will abide by PMI's decision and actually reverse the foreclosure! Also, PMI told me they would take the 6 months of delinquent monthly payments and apply them to the back end of the loan to be paid off many years from now, as well as give me a couple of months to get my act together again after I'd be moving back into my house. 
On the scary side though, it'll cost me about $1,000 for the uhaul and gas to drive 800+ miles back to NY, and I have less than $2,000 to my name with no income (I lost that ridiculous job I got in November). So, I'm looking at arriving back in my home with maybe about $500, which is insane. I'll have to go to local social services right away and apply for emergency assistance, followed by taking the first job(s) I can get, doesn't matter what they are. Plus I'll also need 2 roommates to split the monthly $1,300 mortgage payment 3 ways, so I'll have my work cut out for me, I'll advertise on craigslist, etc looking to interview strangers to be roommates if I have to.
Last summer, I was so emotionally out of it that I was going insane in our house alone. Now though, time has done what time does well, and has helped heal a lot of that, so now I'm actually excited about hopefully being allowed to go back into my house again.


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## CrushedInNY (May 24, 2009)

It's over. PMI denied me going back into my house, I'll never see it again. I haven't felt nearly this dark in many many weeks.


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Sorry to hear this. I've read your story and mine is only 4 months along (compared to your 8) but it's like deju vu. I think my wife read the same book your ex did.

-- erasing history
-- lies
-- cheating immediately
-- feeling afraid of us when we did NOTHING to warrant it (restraining order in my case)
-- actually feeling like they are the victim

I pray I do not lose my house and it really frustrates me to see what she is doing to our kids. 

Hang in there brother. PM me if you need to vent.


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## dumped4another (Dec 16, 2009)

It's a cruel world, man. My W looks like a saint compared to yours. Crushed, I, like many more people here I'm sure, are praying for you. Don't give up hope. You've come a long way and been through the deepest parts of hell. You've been more than a gentleman in handling this. You still have your dignity self-respect. I've been reading your story for the past hour and I'm sick to death for ya. You can only go up from here. I don't know about your religious affiliation, but maybe it's time to turn to the man upstairs, if you haven't already. I'm not a bible-thumper, but what I do know is that while it may not seem God is always there, He is always right on time. If you need someone to talk to, let me know. And PLEASE, hang in there. It's gonna get better. You can count on it.


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## dumped4another (Dec 16, 2009)

Hope you're doing okay, Crushed. You are in my prayers, brother.


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Crushed
I am sorry for all the things that you are going through, I am having similar negative happenings in my life. I can't seem to get out of this hole. I hope and pray for both of us..


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## CrushedInNY (May 24, 2009)

Positive update -
I got a new job as of February 1st. After the first week of training, I've been on the phones taking inbound calls since 2/9 with only 1 day off so far a week ago. Last week I did 60 hours in 6 days, this week I did 62 hours in 6 days, so nice time and a half OT pay. 
There are about 1000 employees there, and I had been trying to get hired there for months and finally got an interview at the end of January. This literally came last minute as I have less than $400 to my name and 2 maxed out credit cards. Pay is bi-monthly so my first check is on 2/22, second check on 3/5. 
As for the psycho ex, she married trailer trash guy a week ago. 
She went from her 1st husband, to me weeks later, then from me for 10 years, to him less than 24 hours later, now she marries him less than 2 months after our divorce. She needs a psyche evaluation, she's insane. No dating various people or being single / independent, she has a severe codependence on men. Plus only an idiot would marry her knowing her history of her first 2 marriages, so okay fine, they can have each other!


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Congrats on the job !!


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## sickrick (Dec 5, 2010)

sirch said:


> Stop talking to that women, go no contact with her now. Get yourself an attorney and file for divorce now! Empty all joint accounts and get yourself a new acount at a diferent bank. Let your attorney handle her from now on. She left you, let her suffer the consequences.


i have to agree with this guy here... im 42yrs old.. 3 days seperated from my 3rd wife. however, my second wife used to like to throw her girl parts around town... when i "felt" that i had been done wrong, it was over and i moved out. Keep in mind, this was my trophy wife. Infatuation is a poison. quit being a "pretty face sucker" get on with yourself. its tainted now. it will never be the same. as much as you want it to be..... it will not. my mother told me after the "trophy wife" experience... as i sat on her bed whimpering to her about my destroyed life... she said "time heals everything"... and im here to say... she was right. its big boy time. get your head out of your ass and get your **** on the table. its on dude... learn to enjoy your freedom... i myself was a moron for 3 marriages... im done... <pulls head out of ass> ahh.. i can breathe.... and thanks for your post... i still had my head in my ass when i started reading your post... i feel better now... i can do this again... im ok... you can be ok to.... **** that broad.. let her have her trailer trash broke ass welfare baby makin ass casino hustling <probably jail time doing> boot licker... let her have it man... screw her problems.... worry about you now. let him pay for that ass since hes stickin it... sorry about the language.... but as i said... its big boy time.... good luck brother.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Crushed, wait a minute. There are people who can help you! Don't do anything stupid dude. Pull it together! You don't have to be alone tonight. C'mon, are you kidding? She isn't worth the misery your going through. Give us on here a chance, you can vent and we will answer. Everyone on this thread has been scr**ed around with by their SO. They just aren't worth it. 2 years is a long time but it isnt forever. Can you call somebody tonight, a friend? Man, i am really worried about u dude. Let us know u are alright.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Crushed I have just read the entire thread. Did not realise until a couple of pages in that it began in 2009. You sound in a bad way. You used the forum before, use it again, keep posting. People on here will support you to find a way forward, little steps at a time. You have coped with so very much you are obviously a very strong and resiliant man with huge potential. don't let her be the end of you!


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Crushed, please come back! I don't know you from a whole in the wall and I care about you! We all care about you. Your ex wife is a cruel heartless woman who put you through hell and back -but she is nothing but a piece of sh*t and a piece of sh*t is not worth your life! She is NOTHING compared to you.

From reading all of your posts on here I can tell you are a really great guy who deserves MUCH more than what has been bestowed upon you. It is my firm belief that you will reap the rewards of all your hard work, honesty, and integrity. This is not the end for you. 

I know you have drastic money problems which seem like they can't be solved but I promise you they can. I know people who have had to go through the same money problems before. Bankruptcy is a harsh and cold reality but bankruptcy and no money is not the end of the world!! You CAN make it through this. 

2 years seems like a long time but like brighterlight said, it is not forever. You have plenty of life left to live Crushed! Some people get everything in life, and some people get sh*t on at every corner. The majority of us on here are part of the exclusive club who get sh*t on at every corner. 

Please don't let somebody who deserves nothing in life be the one to take yours away from you. You are so much better than that. Like I said I don't know you from a whole in the wall but I am worried about you, I care, and I will pray for you. Please come back on here and give us an update or something. I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I am so sorry...I hope to hear from you soon.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

If you do what you are talking about, she wins. 

Don't let her have the power over you.

Recharge your batteries, come back stronger, it will eat her up to see you succeed without her without a care.


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## MyTwoGirls (May 31, 2011)

If I can bounce back from my ex suddenly leaving to be with another guy after 17 yrs of marriage then so can you..throw in 2 daughters 11 and 13 and the fact she opened a secret bank account and had rented another house leaving me homeless for 3 weeks..they have since bought a country house and are living together, you can also bounce back from your situation..my ex went to the state of Washington for 'work' for three days after telling me she 'needed space' but I noticed on her Facebook she had a guy friend who lived there..found out after she moved out he would stay at her place here when I had the girls for my week..it has been 15 months from the separation and divorce of February this year and all the lies in between..there are people who have had worse things happen and not so worse in terms of a relationship breaking down..maybe you are coming face to face with your own guilt about how things were in the marriage and you need to confront those issues to move on..I'm not blaming you I'm just saying that when the pain continues to linger you need to not only forgive the other person but MOST importantly is you forgive yourself..mostly everyone on here has been through every imaginable emotion you can think of and they battle everyday but you must see a positive light at the end of the tunnel..FORGIVENESS it is a tough thing to do for some BUT I believe it is the MOST important element in becoming a happy human being again..at least for me it has worked so far and I am forced to battle the demons trying to bring me down everytime I go to pick up my daughters...instead I look at it as at least my daughters cannot wait until it is time for my week with them..turn a negative thought into a positive and you will find out is is easier than you think once you start forgiving her and yourself.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Crushed, I read your OP and the first page or so, then saw your update today. that's a long time to be holding in all that anger. I related so strongly to the lead up to your separation, though my W didn't go "quite" as batshyt crazy. You are right to be angry that she trampled over you as if you had no worth, it sucks, its hard rejection and it steals from you the future you had set out for.

It is hell, but the only one that can get you out of it is you - whenever you dwell on the things she's done it makes you sad, angry, hateful, depressed so the obvious solution is to not dwell on those things. Easier said than done, but all of us who are finding happiness again after our losses have started the detachment process, and it starts with very, very small gains but eventually will start to snowball for you.

Start by doing something that you DO have control over, what's one LITTLE thing in your life that is bothering you right now (ie dirty dishes, unfinished item on a to do list, a friend you want to reconnect with) take control over it, do it, enjoy the satisfaction of getting it done then do something else. I like the suggestions of others to just spend some time on this website, I think a lot of us would like to get to know you and even learn a thing or two about your crappy experience. Also, don't be making physical threats, it will get you in further legal trouble, and don't use real names of the people who have hurt you because there isn't really any benefit to - you are trying to get it off your chest, but when you start letting go her life will become completely unimportant.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Guys, i hope we hear from him soon!

Crushed, we hope to hear from you dude. We care, let us know how you are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

brighterlight said:


> Guys, i hope we hear from him soon!
> 
> Crushed, we hope to hear from you dude. We care, let us know how you are.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know a couple people have PM'd him but no response yet. Does anyone know his name?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thegreatsideswipe (Jul 18, 2011)

Mike188 said:


> I know a couple people have PM'd him but no response yet. Does anyone know his name?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Frank Chase | Facebook

Frank Chase 100 percent

proof: http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?uid=104331892969731&topic=5


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

No one has heard from him yet I guess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Kind of odd that the facebook name is identical to the american poet Frank Swift Chase which is on Facebook as his name. Anyway it does seem like the message to monique in there does seem to be the same monique he talked about. Still wish we would hear from him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

no one has heard from him yet...?


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Nothing yet?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GJI36 (Jul 26, 2011)

NY.. I just spent the last 2 hours reading this thread. I went thru the same thing man. Its been a little over a year. I am sorry to hear about your house. Like you I was left with everything... house , bills, I couldn't make ends meet. I managed to get it together somehow. My anger drove me crazy, had a restaining order against me from her which I talked her out of. later she dropped it. Picon line , face book of her hugging himkissing him,, I even ran into them in a local bar where i live and lost it on this guy for 20 min . Less then a year later she was living with the man I sold her car to. Saw at her xmas party's that she worked with and went from me 36 no kids to a man 42 with three kids who is loaded. Stay strong man, I got to the point that I decided I cant let that B*itch ruin my life. Get help, although I am one who never thought in a million years I would seek help and have someone try to tell me what I should be doing or how I need to let it go.. I went and it helps believe me. Your talking to a guy that doesnt even take asprine when i have a headache. Life is to short .. I know you been thru alot.. I never participate in forums like this instead just read them but your story hit me. Start living for yourself. Get yourself out there. I know its not easy but try. You will meet amazing people and one day as I hope will look back and say WTF was I thinking. I as with all of us are here for you man seriously...


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

I don't think it was a good idea to post a pic of her on here. First shes not that good looking and second it may open him to to some legal issues for defamation.


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## DSlethal (Apr 9, 2013)

As you have seen you aren't alone on this. My situation was quite similar, my ex wife is a nurse who thought the grass was greener with a married Dr from her work.
Difference was I had a 3 and 4 year old boy that I had to come to grips with that they wouldn't be in my life everyday anymore. So take the pain you have and times it by 1000. 
Once these women check out, they've checked out. Come to this reality as soon as possible. Two, keep your chin up and aim higher. You are loyal and a good man. This was something 
I didn't know was impossible for women to find. I hit the dating world scared because I married my high school sweetheart. I realized quickly that loyal men in their 30s are rare, very rare. 
Get out there and find a loyal loving woman, and choose better this time. You do have the pick of the litter because you have what every single woman out there is looking for, loyalty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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