# Women what do you think about proposing this to my wife?



## swimminginthegalaxy (Oct 17, 2017)

I am in a sexless marriage for two years. Its a long story that I will post later about. There is no intimacy and she hates affection. So basicaly I touch her or try to. I cuddle her with her never (when i say never I mean it has never happened) cuddling me back. Never initiating a hug or kiss. so on and so forth.

I have started to long to fill the void of being desired and touched. Just an intimate loving hand on my shoulder. So this sets the tone of what my sex life is like, how my needs are long from being met, and the effort put into it.

Regarding the sex part I stopped asking and dont want to at this point because I dont feel that emotional attachment to her at this moment. But I still love her. She says she still loves me. 

Women : I was thinking of asking my wife if I could masterbate looking at her naked. I thought it was better than looking at porn or seeking attention elsewhere. 

What would you think, react, or answer to this question?


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

This is so sad.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

There's really no woman but your wife who would be able to answer how your wife would feel about this.

But my question is...why would you want to do this? What do you hope she would get out of it? If you aren't thinking she will get something out of it then why involve her at all?


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

If your wife doesn't want to have sex with you, it is extremely likely she will have absolutely no desire to pose naked for you to masturbate.

Where is your dignity?


----------



## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

I think she has already lost all respect and attraction to you. I would be willing to bet this request will be disgusting to her. 

Why do you stay in a relationship where your basic need to feel loved and connected to your spouse is not met? You don't have a marriage - you have a friendship. Keep what dignity you have left and don't ask her this question. I would suggest you ask for a divorce instead - and get some therapy to find out why you put up with her treatment of you.


----------



## drewg350 (Oct 14, 2017)

Sounds like she's "checked out" of your marriage. Have you asked her why she doesn't respond to your touch/cuddling/hugs, etc ??? Have you done anything to hurt her in the past, such as cheat on her, abuse her physically/mentally, not shown her love, just to name a few ??? She definitely has a reason for not responding to you. Without much history, it's all just guessing on our part. More background needed.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I can already tell you the end result of your “proposal!”

She’ll get right up and exit the room just as fast as she possibly can, pretty much leaving your “stroking show” to a one-man participatory audience, greatly provided you have a mirror!(Now that’s a rather disgusting image!)

You’d probably be far better off just taking some naked pictures of her and masterbating to them in private!*


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your wife may be looking for you to man the **** up and TELL her you are not putting up with her crap any longer.
You going like a ***** whipped wimp and asking her may you please see her naked so that you can masturbate will make her lose the smallest fragment of respect she has left for you.
Grow a set of balls and tell your wife that you either go to a sex therapist together or you will be going to see a lawyer alone.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Was your wife EVER affectionate.. what happened... Why did you marry this woman?? 

Reading your situation is so sad... what I can not understand is how anyone can still love someone who treats them like that.. I would have resentment to the sky and I would grow to HATE my spouse if they treated me like that, couldn't even touch me.. with zero intimacy..... I would have to leave ....

I can assure you... if she has no desire to touch you.. she doesn't want to watch you... please do not go there...


----------



## Anthony Wellers (Jul 29, 2017)

swimminginthegalaxy said:


> I am in a sexless marriage for two years. Its a long story that I will post later about. There is no intimacy and she hates affection. So basicaly I touch her or try to. I cuddle her with her never (when i say never I mean it has never happened) cuddling me back. Never initiating a hug or kiss. so on and so forth.


This isn't a marriage. I don't know what your reasons are for being together (if you can call that 'together'). I've known a few people like this. In my experience, they were users. They take whatever they need or want and give nothing back. This may or may not be the case here, but I would have checked out long before even getting married.



> I have started to long to fill the void of being desired and touched. Just an intimate loving hand on my shoulder. So this sets the tone of what my sex life is like, how my needs are long from being met, and the effort put into it.


I would get out now and seek that 'intimacy' elsewhere. You're not going to get it from her.



> Women : I was thinking of asking my wife if I could masterbate looking at her naked. I thought it was better than looking at porn or seeking attention elsewhere.


How very thoughtful. It's a shame she isn't as thoughtful towards you, especially regarding your feelings, never mind your baser desires. The idea of masturbating at the sight of her naked body would be appealing and kinky in a normal relationship, but not in this case.

Me, I'd sooner have one of these new Japanese fembot toys than a woman that shows no affection at all.

From what you have told us (and you mention that you will provide more on why things are like they are) my impression is this.

You haven't got a partner in the usual sense of a married partner. If it were me, I wouldn't even get a divorce, just get an annulment. The marriage is sexless so you haven't even consummated it.

If you are waiting for the day when she 'comes around' or 'opens up' and starts showing some affection, it ain't gonna happen. If it were me, I would end the marriage. Stay friends, yes, but end the marriage. But if you love her that much that you are willing to be unhappy and miserable for the rest of your life, then by all means stay with her if that's what you want.


----------



## drewg350 (Oct 14, 2017)

There's got to be more to their situation than he revealed. Obviously they got married and at some point were in love with each other and there was sex and affection. What changed ???
If she's ignoring you that way, you had to have done something bad in the past. Either that or she's no longer in love with you, and you don't turn her on in any manner. Fill in the blanks with additional history concerning your relationship if you really want some better advice.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

swimminginthegalaxy said:


> What would you think, react, or answer to this question?


While there is nothing wrong with that within the context of marriage, doing that may only serve to exacerbate the situation. Sometimes that can be a good thing as it may help open discussions on the topic as to why your marriage does not have any intimacy. 

So if you do this for the purpose of trying to help improve communication, and understand that it will create negative emotions and reactions in the process... it is much better than continuing to do nothing. Just brace yourself for an emotional storm, and do not fool yourself into thinking that this is the actual solution to your problems. 

Even if you do not do it, you should ask and see what your wife answers about how that would make her feel. What will be important is to pay very close attention to how she feels as it could reveal some of the dynamics causing your problems. Perhaps she is ashamed of her body? Perhaps she really fears feeling used sexually? Perhaps sex is painful to her and she may be open to this idea? ....only your wife can say! 

Regards, 
Badsanta


----------



## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

I think porn would actually be the preferable source of stimulus as there are no emotional connections. From your point of view, no sex but only looking at your wife I would imagine will cause more problems than it would solve (frustration).

So I think the bigger question is why you haven't had sex for 2 years? That might be the better conversation to have with her.


----------



## bmorehappy (Oct 18, 2017)

swimminginthegalaxy said:


> Women : I was thinking of asking my wife if I could masterbate looking at her naked. I thought it was better than looking at porn or seeking attention elsewhere.
> 
> What would you think, react, or answer to this question?


Woman here, used to be in a sexless long term relationship. 

*What would I think?*: that you're super desperate and are continuing to lose your own self-respect
*How would I react?*: lose even more respect for you and subconsciously file this in my mental folder of proof that all you care about is sex and you're so desperate to get it that you're willing to give up your self-respect
*How would I answer?*: either allow my utter disdain to take over and say hell no, or pity you enough to just say yes while disassociating myself during the act 

I will tell you what I wish I could have verbalized to my partner back then: you are doing way more damage by continuing to push for sex/intimacy rather than refusing to accept this disdainful treatment and getting serious about actually dealing with the underlying issues. Each time you push, you're sinking a little lower as a man and subconsciously you're proving to her this terrible stereotype that all men/you care about is sex.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I'm not a woman, but I have to say I agree 100% with @bmorehappy. 

Two years without sex = she doesn't respect you

You tossing off in front of her is pure desperation _which is most definitely NOT going to win you any lost respect._ This additional loss of respect will only make your sex life even more pathetic. 

Your ONLY chance to reel her back in is to not give a crap about her response. It's an unsolvable paradox, but that's how it is. If you have any attachment to the outcome of bringing her back into the fold, you lose. You have to kick her to the curb without emotion or remorse--or hope of her responding. Only if she knows you are absolutely 100% dead serious about living your life without her rather than sacrificing your self respect will she have any incentive to respond. And then she still may not, in which case you must be prepared to accept the end and move on.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> There's really no woman but your wife who would be able to answer how your wife would feel about this.
> 
> But my question is...why would you want to do this? What do you hope she would get out of it? If you aren't thinking she will get something out of it then why involve her at all?


This.


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Gtfo


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

swimminginthegalaxy said:


> I am in a sexless marriage for two years. Its a long story that I will post later about. There is no intimacy and she hates affection. So basicaly I touch her or try to. I cuddle her with her never (when i say never I mean it has never happened) cuddling me back. Never initiating a hug or kiss. so on and so forth.


Sounds as if you are only roommates... if this isn't the marriage you want, one of you will have to accept a change is required.

Acceptance is a hard path at times... it's how we accept that makes it less burdensome.



swimminginthegalaxy said:


> I have started to long to fill the void of being desired and touched. Just an intimate loving hand on my shoulder. So this sets the tone of what my sex life is like, how my needs are long from being met, and the effort put into it.
> 
> Regarding the sex part I stopped asking and dont want to at this point because I dont feel that emotional attachment to her at this moment. *But I still love her. She says she still loves me*.


I have learned a lot about words and actions this last year and how hope is a double-sdged sword that at times leaves you cut from both edges of the blade... you may want to take some time to understand why you want something so bad you cannot have.

Even if this was a good idea, and I do not believe it will offer you the true relief you seek even if there was cooperation from her, placing your wife in this role without emotional attachment seems to me you will make her no different than porn or attention given elsewhere (unattached sex).

And that is not respectful either.

We all want to be loved, but if our choices come that we would give up the love for ourselves for that need to be loved by others, then the wrong lesson has been taught by both, and learned by both.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

...


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I suspect that if she doesn't want sex, she doesn't want any sexual interaction. 

Its up to you how you want to deal with this. If she used to be sexual, then finding out what changed and fixing it is possible. If she never enjoyed sex, then the odds of fixing things are very low. Divorce if you want. Cheat if you want. Masturbate to porn if you want. I wouldn't blame you for any of those choices. Probably though divorce would make you happiest.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

What do you want, ultimately. Obviously, right now you'd settle for getting laid. But ultimately, what do you want your marriage to look like?

Once you've defined that. It's time to ask your wife for...honesty. Is this what she imagined marriage would be?

How do you picture a husband and wife show affection?
How do you imagine a husband should show his wife love?
How do you imagine a wife should show her husband love?
How do you imagine they should resolve conflict?

What are your thoughts regarding sex between a husband and wife? Should it be tame and predictable? Wild and imaginative? Something to do on a Saturday night? A way to fall asleep easier?

I think you'll find neither of you have the same image of what you want in your relationship with your spouse.

The way you have presented you wife, it is clear that she is an absolute cold fish with no warmth or passion. If this is true, what made you fall in love with a cold fish with no passion?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

uhtred said:


> I suspect that if she doesn't want sex, she doesn't want any sexual interaction.




True.

A woman who doesn't want to have sex is going to avoid affection only because affection always leads to sex.

I used to avoid touching my husband because it always lead to him wanting sex. It never occurred to me that I could get affection without owing him sex. And that's how it felt, if I wanted to cuddle I also had to have sex. So...no cuddle.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

swimminginthegalaxy said:


> I am in a sexless marriage for two years.
> 
> ....So basicaly I touch her or try to. I cuddle her with her never (when i say never I mean it has never happened) cuddling me back. Never initiating a hug or kiss. so on and so forth.
> 
> ...


I am a man. I have been there and done that. It didn't work, she was disgusted. I tried to tell her that I was a sexual being and that I was not ashamed of my sexuality and that I wanted to share my sexuality with her as opposed to hiding it from my wife. I told her I just wanted to be with her when I had an orgasm.

She wanted no part.

She complained that everything to me was about sex. That if she touched me in any way, I would try to have sex with her. I told her that wasn't true and I would prove it, we would not have sex for any reason for 3 months so that she could feel free to touch me without any fear of sex resulting.

She jumped on that idea about no pressure for sex. Of course she really didn't work on touching me in any kind of non-sexual or loving way. And when the 3 months was up, she said she wasn't going to have sex either after that.

Eventually I figured out the problem and changed myself, apologized to her, signed us up with a great sex therapist for marriage counseling. Ultimately our marriage was saved.

You really need to get the book the Sex Starved Marriage by MW Davis and study it. I would also recommend that you read Sue Johnson's book Hold Me Tight to figure out your needs. Then read Chapman's 5 languages of Love. Then read Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy. When you have done all that, you will probably understand that you are part of the problem, as is your wife and you will have some options to try. Ultimately it might be too late to save your marriage or at least the sexual part of your marriage, but you will have options and knowledge about how and what it takes for you to find happiness with or without your current wife.

Good luck


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

...


----------



## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

It's a good idea if your goal is to provoke a confrontation, which in a way is what you need - some conflict to bring out whatever her and your issues are


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Know what feels better than sex?

Self respect.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

These stories are just plain sad. 

For the guys that are in these situations, as long as your wife hasn't completely checked out of the marriage there is a way to fix things. You just have to do two things. First, make it understood that a bad sex life will cause you to end the marriage. Second, be a good enough quality man that you have the ability to easily find someone younger and hotter than your wife. If those boxes are checked then your wife isn't going to play these games because she knows she'll lose. There's no **** test she can pull that will disrupt these rules.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is an even better way to fix this than threatening to end the marriage. Fix the marriage. Most of the time, sex ends because the marriage is so broken that at least one spouse has lost passion for the other. If you fix the relationship, the passion usually returns. 

Just threatening to leave if you don't get sex is not going to fix anything. if someone does not want sex with you, threatening to end the marriage if they don't give you sex will usually make them pull away from you even more.

Now to say that the marriage is broken and if our spouse will not work with you to fix the marriage, you will leave is a different issue. The focus is on the relationship, not sex. And if you do this, make sure you have a list of books to read through together and a good marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist lined up. Have a plan.

Books? 

His Needs, Her Needs (see links in my signature block below)

Love Busters (see links in my signature block below)

The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide

The Sexless Marriage Fix: Rescuing a Sexless Marriage and Making It All It Can Be Using This Empowering Integrative Approach


----------



## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

Don't do it. I've never heard something so sad.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i would tell her i think i loved her too, but i was a man and need to have sex with a woman. if it can not be her, i will find one that is willing to do it. let that rattle around in her pea brain for a couple of days.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

JayDee7 said:


> Don't do it. I've never heard something so sad.


its not sad. two years of denial will drive almost any red blooded man nutz about sex. this poor guy needs to get laid....


----------



## drewg350 (Oct 14, 2017)

No doubt about it. It seems from reading these posts my wife is normal. She always wanted affection, but when I made the decision to give it to her, than she got upset because I always wanted / expected it to end in sex. So she explained I was driving her crazy looking to get laid like I was 18 again, several times a day. So I started showing her affection, holding her, giving her a massage, playing with her hair, and kissing and hugging her in front of the kids, BUTTTTTTTT I made no attempts to take it further, looking for sex. Guess what happened: she's now all over me wanting sex. She said that now that I'm showing her affection, but not expecting sex in return, 24/7, she's more attracted to me and turned on alot more. It's worked out great. I don't come across "begging" or expecting anything, and I end up getting it. Plus the sex is actually a whole lot hotter, because she's so "into it". I'm learning new things about the female pyschy everyday.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> There is an even better way to fix this than threatening to end the marriage. Fix the marriage. Most of the time, sex ends because the marriage is so broken that at least one spouse has lost passion for the other. If you fix the relationship, the passion usually returns.
> 
> Just threatening to leave if you don't get sex is not going to fix anything. if someone does not want sex with you, threatening to end the marriage if they don't give you sex will usually make them pull away from you even more.
> 
> ...


While I agree with you, usually by time people post on here about sexless marriages going on for years the relationship is so far gone that there isn't much you can do without taking drastic action. Part of being a quality man that can attract better women usually requires a lot of self improvement, which might be what he should have done earlier in the marriage. Basically, the theory is that the guy should be the best person he can be and if his wife still doesn't want to have a sexual relationship with him then he should simply wish her well and move on with his life. It's not really a threat of divorce that should be the motivating factor for her (that sounds like he'd be manipulating/controlling her), but the risk of losing her opportunity to continue a life with the man she married.


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

swimminginthegalaxy said:


> I am in a sexless marriage for two years. Its a long story that I will post later about. There is no intimacy and she hates affection. So basicaly I touch her or try to. I cuddle her with her never (when i say never I mean it has never happened) cuddling me back. Never initiating a hug or kiss. so on and so forth.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Seek attention elsewhere. Or try to find out what’s broken in your marriage to make your wife not desire you.
While I don’t think anything good will come out from your proposal, I find it appalling how most on this thread seem to be judging you for even contemplating that thought. You must be at your wit’s end. No wonder you haven’t returned to this thread.

After my wife gave birth, by about month two or three, I proposed something similar because I was climbing walls. It had nothing to do with self respect but rather, it was a pragmatic decision at the time...She threw it back in my face. Don’t do it. Find out what is causing her to have no desire towards you.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

drewg350 said:


> Guess what happened: she's now all over me wanting sex. She said that now that I'm showing her affection, but not expecting sex in return, 24/7, she's more attracted to me and turned on alot more. It's worked out great. I don't come across "begging" or expecting anything, and I end up getting it. Plus the sex is actually a whole lot hotter, because she's so "into it". I'm learning new things about the female pyschy everyday.


i suspect there is some women's magazine or book that tells them "your horrible husband only wants sex, he is taking advantage of you. You are an idiot if you give it to him" So it is just drilled into modern women's heads, and they react as this.

So....show them some touchy feely stuff, and away you go


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Having hope in a situation like this is foolish and misguided. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Swimming my man, I think I found a picture of your wife on the internet for you to jerk off to.


----------



## Loveless17 (Oct 16, 2017)

Are you keeping yourself in shape, dressing professionally (a suit and tie goes a long way , bathe everyday, wearing cologne she likes, providing for her (we need you to have a 6 figure income so we can feel secure and well cared for), taking care of her emotional needs and giving her the times, affection, and attention she needs? If not, figure out ways to do all these things and she will begin to feel attracted to you and sex will eventually happen.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Loveless17 said:


> Are you keeping yourself in shape, dressing professionally (a suit and tie goes a long way , bathe everyday, wearing cologne she likes, providing for her (we need you to have a 6 figure income so we can feel secure and well cared for), taking care of her emotional needs and giving her the times, affection, and attention she needs? If not, figure out ways to do all these things and she will begin to feel attracted to you and sex will eventually happen.


Do the above for about 6 months, more than likely NOTHING will change, then you will know beyond shadow of doubt that it's time to stick a fork in the marriage.

If by chance she comes around, your one of the lucky ones.


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

After two years of enforced celibacy upon you do you really think she is going to lie there naked for you why you spray her with your cum? Where is your dignity?


----------



## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

@swimminginthegalaxy
DO NOT do this for the sake of your self respect
I think there are other issues in your marriage that are manifesting as lack of affection and sex.
How long have you been married?
Has lack of affection and sex been just over the last few years or has it always been there.

When women get to the point of showing no affection and an aversion to sex ......usually means they have checked out long ago.
Has your wife tried to talk to you regarding issues in your marriage....if so have you been receptive or stonewalled?
Does she have any health issues? I’m just playing devils advocate here as your wife turning off affection and refusing sex didn’t just happen overnight......but is by no means acceptable.

Speaking as a woman in a roller coaster marriage of 32 years.....many things could be at play here.....you have to get to the bottom of it.
A few things to consider....

Could her hormones be out of whack....some menopausal women lose their desire...?
Is there somebody else lurking in the background that she could be lavishing affection and sex on…?
Do you treat her with respect....and appreciate her for who she is and what she brings to the marriage…?
Are Kids and household responsibilities draining her....especially if she has no help from you…?

More background info would be helpful to give feedback.

As mentioned there are some great books to read together or a MC or ST maybe the answer.....but first fill us on on “the long story”
Hard to give advice with such vague details.


----------



## Masodipstick (Aug 6, 2017)

swimminginthegalaxy said:


> I am in a sexless marriage for two years. Its a long story that I will post later about. There is no intimacy and she hates affection. So basicaly I touch her or try to. I cuddle her with her never (when i say never I mean it has never happened) cuddling me back. Never initiating a hug or kiss. so on and so forth.


Have you been married for 2 years and it has been sexless from the get-go or is your marriage of longer duration but there has been no sex for the last 2 years?



> I have started to long to fill the void of being desired and touched. Just an intimate loving hand on my shoulder. So this sets the tone of what my sex life is like, how my needs are long from being met, and the effort put into it.
> 
> Regarding the sex part I stopped asking and dont want to at this point because I dont feel that emotional attachment to her at this moment. But I still love her. She says she still loves me.


I have a female friend who I believe is like this. She thinks she is asexual. she likes to be in a relationship because that is more accepted by society and also to a have a male companion to spend time with and attend functions with. I'm wondering if you have never had relations with your wife then perhaps your wife was attracted to you for love and friendship and not sex.



> Women : I was thinking of asking my wife if I could masterbate looking at her naked. I thought it was better than looking at porn or seeking attention elsewhere.
> 
> What would you think, react, or answer to this question?


Firstly, I think you need to ascertain the reasons your wife is disinterested. Is she disinterested in you or just disinterested? At any rate, your needs are not being met and there has to be a discussion to get to the bottom of it as it unfair and unkind for you to have to guess what the heck is going on. You say it is a long story....maybe you should provide more background now instead of later.


----------



## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

Personal said:


> If your wife doesn't want to have sex with you, it is extremely likely she will have absolutely no desire to pose naked for you to masturbate.
> 
> Where is your dignity?


I don't know. Some people do this. It's more exhibitionist than pornographic. A bit weird I know, but some wives are actually switched on by it, even fully dressed. In this situation anything is worth trying so long as she is willing to look. It might kick start something.


----------



## inquiringbrain (Nov 19, 2010)

At this point I'm guessing he wants to at least see a naked woman while he gets himself off, but doesn't want to bring in another woman.

Yes, men can get reduced to this level because the woman who supposedly loves him treats him so poorly.


----------



## inquiringbrain (Nov 19, 2010)

Dignity? Dignity is gone after waiting months and months for a little attention. All the while being expected to meet all her needs, wants, and desires.

Dignity?

At least he's not screwing other women.


----------



## inquiringbrain (Nov 19, 2010)

Oh, this guy is not alone. And, yes, we do ask. They're not honest. 

They still love us, just don't want to be bothered with us. Then they're not sure why we're just not overjoyed happy ecstatic.

The reality is, they don't really care, but expect everything from us.


----------

