# How Did Wayward Spouse Respond to Exposure?



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

While perusing SI I saw the above question and thought it would be interesting to see what TAM members who exposed had to say on the matter. Fire away folks.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

When I told the fiance of the person who cheated on me… or he cheated with me but I was not even aware he had a fiance… I am still not sure… anyway, when I told her, he came to me all upset and so disappointed in me that I would be so petty and vindictive. That he really thought I was kinder than that period lol


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

I didn't expose her, I just divorced her. I sure as hell didn't want others nosing around in our bedroom matters.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> I didn't expose her, I just divorced her. I sure as hell didn't want others nosing around in our bedroom matters.


 Boo hiss. Didn't you know that you're supposed to send a Facebook blast, multiple letters to human resources, and take out a Billboard???


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Title is a bit misleading because the SI thread is about how the WS reacted when confronted with their cheating by the BS. So basically how did dday go down. I think most people think of “exposure” as telling family, friends, work, billboard on I-93 or social media.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

My wife was walking out the door all dressed up while I was playing with our two small kids. 

I asked her if she did not have an aerobics class tonight. 

She said she was going to dinner and drinks with a friend from her class.

I asked who - she said you don't know HIM (slip of the tongue).

I said "HIM!". Then you are going out on a date. My wife is not allowed to date other men!

She said "We are just friends and he is having a hard time. It's not a date." 

I said "His problems are not our problems, but if you walk out that door it will be our problem and I will solve it"

She said "What do you mean"

I said "MY WIFE is not allowed to date! You figure it out."

She said "Well I have to tell him you won't let me go, so I'll be right back (before cell phones)"

I said "I did not say you could not go. I said MY WIFE is not allowed to date. If you go it will be a date and you need not come back. Your choice. If you decide to stay you are changing gyms."

She stayed, but in that moment my trust in her dropped from 100% to about 80%. From that night on it has been trust but verify.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My ex-husband responded with lots of denial and spin when I confronted him -- as did his AP. Liars lie.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

TDSC60 said:


> My wife was walking out the door all dressed up while I was playing with our two small kids.
> 
> I asked her if she did not have an aerobics class tonight.
> 
> ...


 How long had their EA been going on and did he actually attend her aerobics class?

Well handled, by the way.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

TDSC60 said:


> My wife was walking out the door all dressed up while I was playing with our two small kids.
> 
> I asked her if she did not have an aerobics class tonight.
> 
> ...


It blows my mind when a spouse actually thinks it is okay to go to dinner and drinks with someone of the opposite sex. And then not even TALKING about it (like if it was work related and "had to" be done - though I have never heard of a time when someone "had to" go to a cozy dinner with someone of the opposite sex).


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Bluesclues said:


> Title is a bit misleading because the SI thread is about how the WS reacted when confronted with their cheating by the BS. So basically how did dday go down. I think most people think of “exposure” as telling family, friends, work, billboard on I-93 or social media.



The thead is called "When your spouse was exposed how did they react?" though. 

I think the OP who made the thread should have been more clear.

They should probably use the words caught/discovered/etc to clear up confusion. Exposure to me is when you tell everyone what happened. Not when you catch them cheating and how they react to being caught.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Rubix Cubed said:


> How long had their EA been going on and did he actually attend her aerobics class?
> 
> Well handled, by the way.


He was in her aerobics class. I had met him on a spouse night where the instructor asked that each member bring their spouse or significant other. He did not bring anyone.

I have no idea how long it had been going on. I'm sure they talked before and after class. I don't think they went out together before that for the simple reason that my wife would not be caught dead without her make up in perfect shape or walking around in a public place in her workout clothes. Now in a car in the gym parking lot may have been a different story. But I could not prove anything physical because I was not looking for it before that night.

I watched her a lot closer for a few months after that.

The other thing that set me off was "dinner and drinks". Right after we were married I saw that my wife could not handle alcohol and I had told her "no alcohol if I am not with you" and she agreed. I was taken by surprise that she announced "drinks" in such a calm voice. I was also pissed off by that too.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

I confronted her on a Sunday night once I found proof of who it was. She never said a word, didn't come home that night and by 9:30 Monday morning she had a lawyer and filed for divorce.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> I didn't expose her, I just divorced her. I sure as hell didn't want others nosing around in our bedroom matters.


Well that's about ironic isn't it?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

My ex went bonkers!
It was one thing to screw my mental state to hell, but who was I to screw up her f buddys life!!
Keep in mind I told him 8 years earlier to "Leave my wife alone!"


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

personofinterest said:


> Boo hiss. Didn't you know that you're supposed to send a Facebook blast, multiple letters to human resources, and take out a Billboard???


My FWW has a nuclear meltdown. I changed my Facebook
Status to single. Posted she had a boyfriend on my Facebook page. ( I am no longer on Facebook as it is a tool for people to hook up and connect with old flames)

I Exposed to my two adult children, POSOMs wife, my parents, close friends, my siblings, her siblings. I did not want her mom to know, but my SIL told her. Mom let her have it with both barrels,too.

Shock n awe was my goal. At the time I wanted to destroy her and POSOM. FWW caught hell from her three brothers and her sister went bat**** crazy on her. My daughter called her mom a f’N ***** right to her face. Mission accomplished. It wasn’t enjoyable forFWW and POSOM after they were outed.

She was in a funk after I got through with her. Exposure is like when Dorothy threw a pail of water on the wicked witch in “wizard of oz.”

Looking back,I have no regrets on exposing. It killed her fling/affair, POSOM who was a coworker and happened to work for a close personal friend was given thirty days to find another job. My wife quit. She looked like a whipped puppy after I got through with her, and told her I was off to Florida.

Thankfully, we are in our 3 1/2 year of R. Life has been good since. Point is if you want to save your marriage in these situations, you must act in a bold fashion.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

StillSearching said:


> UpsideDownWorld11 said:
> 
> 
> > I didn't expose her, I just divorced her. I sure as hell didn't want others nosing around in our bedroom matters.
> ...


Haha, sure is. But going nuclear exposure seems like a lot of work to do for a *****. It might be useful if you see something to salvage.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > Boo hiss. Didn't you know that you're supposed to send a Facebook blast, multiple letters to human resources, and take out a Billboard???
> ...


 Is she still a whipped puppy?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

No, she is doing fine now. So am i


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> My FWW has a nuclear meltdown. I changed my Facebook
> Status to single. Posted she had a boyfriend on my Facebook page. ( I am no longer on Facebook as it is a tool for people to hook up and connect with old flames)
> 
> I Exposed to my two adult children, POSOMs wife, my parents, close friends, my siblings, her siblings. I did not want her mom to know, but my SIL told her. Mom let her have it with both barrels,too.
> ...


It's hard to believe it was that long ago. Where does the time go?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> No, she is doing fine now. So am i


 So the affair is no longer in the deck as the ultimate trump card? Good.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I do agree that exposure can "shock" your spouse out of an affair, or get their AP to leave them. But the whole tell the whole wide world thing plus their employer never made sense to me. For starters telling their employer shoots you in the foot. Good luck getting financial support from an unemployed or under employed spouse. I am not even for exposing to an employer if the AP is simply your spouses personal trainer or knows them through a service they provide at work (no pun intended!). I mean what if they have an innocent wife and kids too? At what point do we accept that its our spouse that chose to do what they did? Regarding exposing to their family. I am sure their family will be apologetic for what happened to the BS, but don't expect them to disown their kid and pretend they don't exist because they cheated. They are probably more likely to reach out to them out of concern and offer support. Parents/friends/relatives forgive for things far more heinous, and those that were in their life before the marriage and the cheating will probably stand by them. I guess I don't feel like exposure is the nuclear bomb that it is made out to be on here. I am sure there exceptions to this opinion though.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

ReformedHubby said:


> I do agree that exposure can "shock" your spouse out of an affair, or get their AP to leave them. But the whole tell the whole wide world thing plus their employer never made sense to me. For starters telling their employer shoots you in the foot. Good luck getting financial support from an unemployed or under employed spouse. I am not even for exposing to an employer if the AP is simply your spouses personal trainer or knows them through a service they provide at work (no pun intended!). I mean what if they have an innocent wife and kids too? At what point do we accept that its our spouse that chose to do what they did? Regarding exposing to their family. I am sure their family will be apologetic for what happened to the BS, but don't expect them to disown their kid and pretend they don't exist because they cheated. They are probably more likely to reach out to them out of concern and offer support. Parents/friends/relatives forgive for things far more heinous, and those that were in their life before the marriage and the cheating will probably stand by them. I guess I don't feel like exposure is the nuclear bomb that it is made out to be on here. I am sure there exceptions to this opinion though.


Depends on how you expose>!


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

ReformedHubby said:


> I do agree that exposure can "shock" your spouse out of an affair, or get their AP to leave them. But the whole tell the whole wide world thing plus their employer never made sense to me. For starters telling their employer shoots you in the foot. Good luck getting financial support from an unemployed or under employed spouse. I am not even for exposing to an employer if the AP is simply your spouses personal trainer or knows them through a service they provide at work (no pun intended!). I mean what if they have an innocent wife and kids too? At what point do we accept that its our spouse that chose to do what they did? Regarding exposing to their family. I am sure their family will be apologetic for what happened to the BS, but don't expect them to disown their kid and pretend they don't exist because they cheated. They are probably more likely to reach out to them out of concern and offer support. Parents/friends/relatives forgive for things far more heinous, and those that were in their life before the marriage and the cheating will probably stand by them. I guess I don't feel like exposure is the nuclear bomb that it is made out to be on here. I am sure there exceptions to this opinion though.


All of these things can potentially happen.

However, what others besides the wayward spouse to really has very little bearing on anyting. Additionally, it gives you the full truth on exactly where you stand with these people.

If affairs or something to be proud of, they would be carried out openly. Exposure capitalizes on that fundamental truth.

And if it has the unintended consequence of driving the wayward spouse away, the betrayed spouse will ultimately be better for it.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Depends on how you expose>!


This is also true.

Calling your wayward spouse a cheating ***** or ******* is the wrong way to go about it.

However, something to the effect of, "It is with great pain that I have to acknowledge that my wife / husband is in an inappropriate relationship with X. Please be in prayer for our family as we set about to recover from this. Thank you in advance."

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> This is also true.
> 
> Calling your wayward spouse a cheating ***** or ******* is the wrong way to go about it.
> 
> ...


You wax far more diplomatic than I sir. However, I never called my FWW a ***** or **** or any derogatory name as I exposed.
Not my style......now my daughter......ouch....she is a pistol and daddy’s girl. She let her mom have it in extremely colorful language that could make me blush.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

You can call them whatever you like. Most of them were attention *****s so the truth hurts.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> He was in her aerobics class. I had met him on a spouse night where the instructor asked that each member bring their spouse or significant other. He did not bring anyone.
> 
> I have no idea how long it had been going on. I'm sure they talked before and after class. I don't think they went out together before that for the simple reason that my wife would not be caught dead without her make up in perfect shape or walking around in a public place in her workout clothes. Now in a car in the gym parking lot may have been a different story. But I could not prove anything physical because I was not looking for it before that night.
> 
> ...


What was her attitude towards your after you put the kabosh on her EA? Did she change gyms?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

The Middleman said:


> What was her attitude towards your after you put the kabosh on her EA? Did she change gyms?


Oh yeah she changed gyms.

For a few months I made some surprise visits to the new gym during her new aerobics classes just to check the parking lot to make sure she was actually going there and to make sure OM's car was not there. As I said this was before cell phones and I had the only email address at the time. So it had to be face to face contact or over the house phone if anything was going on. "EA" was not a term I was familiar with at the time. I don't even think the phrase was coined then.

It really hurt me that she thought that behavior was OK and she saw that. She became very clingy as I withdrew into myself afterwards and would call me at work. I saw this as very suspicious like she was verifying how much time she had free. I had a very flexible work schedule so on occasion I just hoped in my car to drive past my house to see if she was there or if someone else was there. Eventually I stopped all that but kept an eye out for changes in her behavior.

My mindset has always been if she is interested in another man, then we will divorce and she can have him. I told her that I loved her enough to want her to be happy but not enough to share her affections with another.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

One Eighty said:


> Even though this whole thread is off topic from what the OP intended it to be (Read down for his second post on the first page) still, I can't read the below and not call Bullhockey!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Exactly. I cannot imagine keeping the AP's spouse in the dark - despicable.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

TDSC60 said:


> My mindset has always been if she is interested in another man, then we will divorce and she can have him. I told her that I loved her enough to want her to be happy but not enough to share her affections with another.


This is kind of the whole point here...

At this stage of life, 54, anyone that choses to be with me needs to want to be with me, no half measures, no half anything. 

If you don't want to be with me or YOU are not contributing to MY happiness, oh well, you are gone. 

I hate to sound so cold about it but that is where I am at. If you do not adore me, love me, want to **** me all the time, then there are plenty others that do...


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

BluesPower said:


> I hate to sound so cold about it but that is where I am at. If you do not adore me, love me, want to **** me all the time, then there are plenty others that do...


I know. It goes against my "grain", my upbringing, my little church boy who is still alive inside me. But, damn it all, that's how I'm beginning to think about it.

And, I'm finding little common sense that actually disagrees with it. I'm scared of these thoughts. They're not "me". Something got broken. I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than live like this.


To answer the thread question, she responded quite angrily when I called the POSOMs wife and told her. She was devastated when I told my mom and dad, she had pulled the wool over their eyes. Her own family was not in the least surprised. I found out she had a long history of promiscuity before me, she had blamed her ex for leaving, but I learned that quite possibly, he was cheated on, too. Her sister was shocked to hear me blame him for their troubles.....

Interesting what you find out......


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

TJW said:


> I know. It goes against my "grain", my upbringing, my little church boy who is still alive inside me. But, damn it all, that's how I'm beginning to think about it.
> 
> And, I'm finding little common sense that actually disagrees with it. I'm scared of these thoughts. They're not "me". Something got broken. I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than live like this.


I have tried to follow your situation, so I don't know all of it. 

But let me tell you, if you are not happy, and it is not you, GET OUT.

Even if you think you will be alone, which you will not, it is better, I promise. 

Now I don't expect everyone to have the attitude about all the running around that I had, and I don't necessarily say that it is right for everyone... I get that...

But what I can say is, with my current GF is the single most amazing woman that I have been with and that my life is great. I suspect that we will get married this year or next, just working out details. 

But even if I was alone it would be better than living with my ex wife and we were not sexless. 

But being with someone that loves you with all her heart is the best thing in life, and if you ever get there, you will think so as well...


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

For me it comes down to knowing your own worth and value. And being honest with myself.

If a woman cannot see that and appreciate it, then I don't want her.

I cannot stand liars. I don't care why they do it. I don't care what lies they tell themselves to justify it.

If my wife had tried to hide the truth or had been dishonest in any way, I would not have given her the chance to stay married to me.

Whoops. Kinda went off on a tangent from the original topic here. Sorry.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> It's hard to believe it was that long ago. Where does the time go?
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


Man you are spot on FJ. Three and one half years ago I was a lost soul. Thankfully, I found this site and the good people like yourself who gave me the impetus to get my head out of my rectal cavity and take action. I remember a few of your 2x4sLOL Life is good!. It has been said “Time flies like a winged arrow.....fruit flies like stale beer.”


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

TDSC60 said:


> For me it comes down to knowing your own worth and value. And being honest with myself.
> 
> If a woman cannot see that and appreciate it, then I don't want her.
> 
> ...


TDSC60, I bet deep down you are a teddy bear.:wink2:


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Had her served while with her lover. 

She had meltdown and couldn’t figure out how she lost her husband, family, professional reputation, and job so quickly. Within a month she was in psych hospital as I moved on with my life.

As ****ens wrote, “it was the best of times, it was the worst of times”


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> TDSC60, I bet deep down you are a teddy bear.:wink2:


I am too old to play games.

I try to be compassionate and help those who need it.

If lied to, I cut that person out of my life.

If someone attempts harm to me or a family member in any way- Teddy turns Grizzly.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

> If someone attempts harm to me or a family member in any way- Teddy turns Grizzly.


I absolutely feel ya on this one.


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