# 32 years later husband says never loved me



## ConnieG

We've been married 27 years, together 32 and have 2 great sons aged 18 and 23. My husband says he wants a divorce that he never felt that "spark" when we married. He says it started out as convenience because he knew I wanted to get married and he wanted to make my happy. He also said that we got pregnant because I wanted kids. He has left me twice, once in 01 and in 07 and said he returned for the boys. He loves his sons. Now we are 6 years later again and he says he needs to find "true love" so he wants a divorce. He says it would be a lot easier to stay if he loved me but he doesn't. 
It hasn't been all his fault-I have not been the supportive wife over the years and dressed like a washerwoman (no offense). Probably no excuse but I was brought up in a home with no dad, alcoholic grandfather and a mom and grandmother who fought constantly and were abusive to each other. 
Now, my husband got a face lift and encouraged me to do so which I did. I have lost weight and never felt better in my life at age 62. We have been having fabulous sex initiated by both of us-there is an undeniable chemistry that was always there but just faded over the years. I love my husband. Even though I have criticized rather than complement him over the years, I have always admired him very much. He is a wonderful man and I don't want to lose him. I feel like I haven't help nurture this relationship over the years and give it the TLC it needed. Is it too late? Any positive advice please!


----------



## EleGirl

He has not left yet? Start doing the right things. Get a complete make over.

If he stays.. good. If he leaves you are ready for your new life.

You cannot undo the past. You can only work to create the future you want.


----------



## cdbaker

Maybe too late, maybe not. Is he firm on wanting a divorce or is he willing to give you both a period of time to commit to making it work 100% before giving up? I think that'd be a great question for him. Maybe he can agree to take 90 days where both of you commit to focusing 100% on the marriage, including MC, with absolutely no outside distractions (such as thinking about meeting other people, meeting with lawyers, etc.).

With that said, are you sure that he isn't already talking to or seeing someone else? If he really has never felt that "spark" that he refers to, how else would he know what he is missing? (That or his assertion of no spark is BS, as I suspect it is)


----------



## ThreeStrikes

"I never loved you" is commonly said by people having an affair.

Is he?


----------



## ConnieG

He says he isn't having an affair and I do believe him. I do know that he has been looking, emailing and video chatting with a well known foreign mail order bride site for 10 months. I discovered it and read all his letters which were filled with BS of true love.... I showed him how he I getting "snowed" by these gals and proved that they get paid $$ for him communicating with "customers". I don't know if he has stopped but I suspect he has since it costs $$ out of our pocket!


----------



## CTU

I hate to say this but you have to get him away from that site and into IC if you want a prayer in hell of saving your M. He IS having an affair. At least ONE.


----------



## ConnieG

Hi Elegirl,

No he hasn't left yet. You are right-as long as he is still in the home I have a chance. People have told me to kick him out but they don't understand that this marriage is worth saving. I told him that his idea of two people giving themselves to each other completely happens for most of us when we experience first love when we are 18 or so. Men and women marry and have reality hit them with kids, diapers, sleepless nights, less sex, finances, etc, etc, etc. Then when their kids are grown all of a sudden they need a new life, a fresh start. I say have a fresh start with the person you started this journey with. Now you actually have time to experience each other all over again just like when you met. You are freer to travel, go places and do things together. The majority of divorces are of those over 50 and that is why. Look on dating sites-there are plenty of 50-60 year old men looking for "romantic love." I told my husband all this and showed him examples of these men. They think the grass is greener elsewhere but I don't feel this is so.

I have gotten a makeover-a facelift that makes me look 20 years younger- I am almost 62. I have lost weight and we work out at the gym together. I bought new intimates and nice outfits and put makeup on. I did this for two reasons-one because I felt he was right about my appearance and 2 I really enjoy shopping now! I like looking my best. My husband has initiated intimacy and told me yesterday that I was his girl. He is spending more time intimately with me and made more effort to please me. Maybe I shouldn't be this hopeful but I agree with the comment from CD Baker that the "spark" comment is BS. I told him that the spark stuff has been drummed into all our heads all of our lives (esp. women) and that our fairy tale is waiting for us. Listen to songs written and or performed by men-they are about a "spark", about infatuation, about unrequited love.


----------



## ConnieG

Hi Three Strikes,

It is a toughie since I don't know his password. I am fighting back however. I am real they are on the internet they are 6317 miles away(look it up and you'll know what site it is. I can dress like them and look great and I do. It's called fighting fire with fire and I am like a ....bride on steriods.


----------



## ConnieG

Hi CTU,
You are right. He is living and dreaming in fantasyland. He has done this before he left in 01 and 07. I would like to take his computer and iPad and dump them in the Mariana Trench. He is a high energy person who is impulsive and impatient on one hand and kind, caring and expressive on the other. 
Now get this- I have been out of work for three months and he is going to hire me to work in his office part-time. Talk about a confusing state of affairs-why would he want me there-he has never shown any interest in me working with him. I am a librarian and a researcher and he has an environmental consulting business so they don't exactly mesh. But now after all these years he wants me in the office!


----------



## lifeistooshort

I totally get why you don't want to kick him out, but I worry that by sitting back and letting him make the decision by himself you're devaluing yourself in his eyes. He knows you're waiting for him so you inherently have less value while he weighs whether he can do better, which is exactly what he's doing now. By kicking him out you'd force him to make a tough decision, which may not end how you'd like, but if he came back you'd have a much better shot. If he knows that you'll move on if he's going to dither and that other men want you, you become a much more valuable prospect. Just something to keep in mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WorkingOnMe

Most men crave admiration and respect. Good sex can't overcome the lack of these things. Especially when the sex is a recent thing. Does he have resentment from past years of low/bad sex? Resentment for the criticism and lack of support?


----------



## Twistedheart

Easier said by me than actually knowing but i'd be willing to bet there have been multiple affairs over the years. Just my opinion and analysis. Sorry for your situation.


----------



## mablenc

ConnieG said:


> He says he isn't having an affair and I do believe him. I do know that he has been looking, emailing and video chatting with a well known foreign mail order bride site for 10 months. I discovered it and read all his letters which were filled with BS of true love.... I showed him how he I getting "snowed" by these gals and proved that they get paid $$ for him communicating with "customers". I don't know if he has stopped but I suspect he has since it costs $$ out of our pocket!


:scratchhead: What you describe *is* cheating..


----------



## Emerald

ConnieG said:


> We've been married 27 years, together 32 and have 2 great sons aged 18 and 23. My husband says he wants a divorce that he never felt that "spark" when we married. He says it started out as convenience because he knew I wanted to get married and he wanted to make my happy. He also said that we got pregnant because I wanted kids. He has left me twice, once in 01 and in 07 and said he returned for the boys. He loves his sons. Now we are 6 years later again and he says he needs to find "true love" so he wants a divorce. He says it would be a lot easier to stay if he loved me but he doesn't.
> It hasn't been all his fault-I have not been the supportive wife over the years and dressed like a washerwoman (no offense). Probably no excuse but I was brought up in a home with no dad, alcoholic grandfather and a mom and grandmother who fought constantly and were abusive to each other.
> Now, my husband got a face lift and encouraged me to do so which I did. I have lost weight and never felt better in my life at age 62. We have been having fabulous sex initiated by both of us-there is an undeniable chemistry that was always there but just faded over the years. I love my husband. Even though I have criticized rather than complement him over the years, I have always admired him very much. He is a wonderful man and I don't want to lose him. I feel like I haven't help nurture this relationship over the years and give it the TLC it needed. Is it too late? Any positive advice please!


Stop blaming yourself. Your husband is trolling for a younger mail-order bride at the same time re-writing your marital history claiming he never loved you.

Good grief - you even went under the knife to please him. Dear, if you look 42 as you claim & love sex, you will have no trouble finding another man.


----------



## cdbaker

Couldn't agree more with what Lifeistooshort said above. You are naturally devaluing yourself by sitting and waiting for him to make up his mind on whether he wants you or not, after he has already expressed that he feels confident that he can do better and has been actively searching for someone else. Whether he has actually succeeded in having an emotional or physical affair or not (For the record though, I feel quite confident that he has succeeded) is irrelevant, because you have already caught him 100%, without a doubt, TRYING HIS BEST to have an affair! The reality is that you have a husband who has openly requested a divorce, has left you multiple times already, who is and has been actively searching for other women. To wait for him to just change his mind would be folly, and that is putting it lightly.

The "nice things" you describe of him above are just that, "nice things," not signs of committed love. Certainly he does feel love for you, in the same way that I have a fondness for the wallet in my back pocket because it was my very first wallet and has lasted me close to twenty years. Even when I replace that wallet before too long, I'll still always have a fondness for it that is worth more than the $20 that was probably paid for it. But I will replace it, because I believe that there are better wallets out there that I think will better meet my needs.

So yeah he loves you, you are "his girl", and he doesn't want to hurt you or see anything bad happen to you. Even so, he very clearly has every intention of replacing you. If you want to try to change his mind, you do have a few options that you aught to consider. At this point, just waiting and doing nothing will lead to only one conclusion. (Barring a miracle/outside influence 1-in-a-million scenario)


----------



## P51Geo1980

WorkingOnMe said:


> Most men crave admiration and respect. Good sex can't overcome the lack of these things. Especially when the sex is a recent thing. Does he have resentment from past years of low/bad sex? Resentment for the criticism and lack of support?


:iagree:

Lack of sex and lack of admiration and respect from my wife have killed my marriage. She doesn't get it - it's all about her. OP, you need to ask your husband about this and you need to LISTEN to what he tells you and not make it about you.


----------

