# Wife no longer loves me



## johnbob (Jul 13, 2011)

This is my first post. I guess I'm hoping to find some advice or other people who are going through the same sort of thing

My wife and I have been together for 7 years. About a year ago she told me that she no longer loves me. We have both remained faithful and tried to work things out as well as build the romance up again.... But things seem to slowly be getting worse..... All the romance has gone and we seem to be nothing but roommates. 

The whole situation is taking a massive toll emotionally but I can't seem to just give up because I still love her. I understand that I can't make her love me again... But the other option of separating is very scary. 

In some ways I think she is just waiting for me to give up and move on....

Any help or ideas would be appreciated


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She's still there, so there's some attachment. The feeling of love does change with time, not necessarily worse, but definently different. Since she told you her feelings but she's still there, it would seem to suggest that she's merely telling you that she feels something is missing. If she told you she didn't love you in a letter from three states away, I'd be more worried. Sounds like she might want to fix whatever is broken.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

What about a weekend retreat geared towards couples looking to renew that spark?


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## chantiq72 (Apr 1, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> She's still there, so there's some attachment. The feeling of love does change with time, not necessarily worse, but definently different. Since she told you her feelings but she's still there, it would seem to suggest that she's merely telling you that she feels something is missing. If she told you she didn't love you in a letter from three states away, I'd be more worried. Sounds like she might want to fix whatever is broken.


I agree with this. I sort of think that you're my husband. We're in the same situation. I sort of told him that I don't love him anymore, but I'm still with him. Probably what I meant to say to him was "you're really drive me crazy, and I want you to change and fix all the mistake that make me resent you" but instead the "I don't love you anymore" that came out from my mouth.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Guess what, almost all married couples will "fall out of love" at one point or another. One of the tricks to a long lasting marriage is persevering through the times when you aren't "in love." That is what committment is all about. Here is some helpful research from:
Linda J. Waite, Don Browning, William J. Doherty, Maggie Gallagher, Ye Luo, and Scott M. Stanley, Does Divorce Make People Happy: Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages (New York: Institute for American Values, 2002) 148-49.

_How many unhappy couples turn their marriages around? The truth is shocking: 86 percent of unhappily married people who stick it out find that, five years later, their marriages are happier, according to an analysis of the National Survey of Families and Households. Most say, they’ve become very happy indeed. In fact, nearly three-fifths of those who said their marriage was unhappy in the late ’80s and who stay married, rated this same marriage as either “very happy” or “quite happy” when interviewed again in the early 1990s. 

The very worst marriages showed the most dramatic turnarounds: 77 percent of the stable married people who rated their marriage as very unhappy (a one on a scale of one to seven) in the late ’80s said that the same marriage was either “very happy” or “quite happy” five years later. Permanent marital unhappiness is surprisingly rare among couples who stick it out. Five years later, just 15 percent of those who initially said they were very unhappily married (and who stayed married) ranked their marriage as not unhappy at all._

In other words, be patient, keep working on the marriage and at being a great husband and things will hopefully work out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree. It's not a point of finding what makes you happy every single day. It's a point of finding what makes you happy in the long run.

I recommend that you go buy the book His Needs Her Needs, by Harley. Read it this week. Share it with your wife. It's a whole new way of looking at your marriage.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Riverside makes a great point. Any fool can act loving when they feel loving. Nobody needs a marriage certificate for that level of commitment. Those who have been married 50 years, didn't feel loving every day, they didn't feel horny every night. They just kept in the game regardless of what their emotions were telling them to do.


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## for better or for worse (Jul 4, 2011)

This is the true test in a relationship i think, if you can make it through these hard times, then nothing can stop you. But BOTH people have to want to fight for it, no matter how hard it gets. That's the only way it will work.


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## johnbob (Jul 13, 2011)

Thanks everyone for the great advice and support. Because you are actually the first people outside my marriage who I have told this to (and its been a long while since the issue first began) I feel much stronger than before. As hard as it seems right now, I will continue to work at things.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

I can help. 

What you are asking for, to build up romance between a man and woman, that is well and good. 

But not to beat around the bush, for that is a waste of time, we should understand when we speak of "romance", or discuss "romance", we are merely speaking and discussing SEXUAL ATTRACTION between a man and woman.

And this is good to understand. Because sexual attraction itself is possible to understand. For it is merely the language of actions and behaviors that communicate to the opposite sex very specific truths about ourselves.

And of course, with any language, it is necessary to understand the grammar and structure of the language before it is useful to put together the letters and words and phrases and sentences and paragraphs and stories, all of which paint the picture of the message or idea or truth which we wish to convey. 

So as a man, writing to this forum that your woman is just roomates with you, no romance, and you are paying a terrible emotional toll and facing the fact that seperation may be a reality, take notice of these things.

And take heart, because this forum, has testimony from MANY other men who have been exactly where you are now! They have travelled this very road, and know the successful ways and the not succesful ways. 

First, answer these questions, it will help to draw a bead on exactly what is needing to be done, rather than staying mired in some guessing game:

How was your dating with your wife before you were married? 

What kinds of things did you do together? 

What kinds of things did you do by yourself, or with only other men?

What kind of man would you describe yourself seven years ago as?

When you say "romance", or think of being "romantic" with your woman, what things come to mind? 

And do these things that come to mind concerning "romance", do they excite you as a man yourself? Or do they come to mind because you assume that is expected between a man and woman?

Let us first identify these things!

And then, take the time to read the testimony of other men, who learn and discuss among themselves concerning sexual attraction, what works, and what does not work, and what to start doing, and what to stop doing.

So that you as a man, can begin to effectively communicate to your wife the truths about yourself that she is missing and craving, to light the spark of sexual attraction to the roaring flame!

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ats-attractive-my-wifes-input.html#post181910

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


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## iya12 (Jul 12, 2011)

I guess it's good to pursue your wife again. Start doing that little things again that made you fall in love before. Let the spark start again. It's effort, I know. But it's worth it. 

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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

What do you feel you are lacking that your wife is missing, seeking specifically ?

Is it that you need to man up -been too much of a nice guy, or the opposite, too distant and she needs more emotional from you, or is it a lack of communication skills, expressing your needs & wants effectively, silent treatment , built up resentment - etc? 

I like this book to revive the passion - Amazon.com: Kosher Adultery: Seduce and Sin With Your Spouse (9781580627924): Shmuley Boteach: Books


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

My wife says she doesn't love me. She said she was leaving but now she says she's thinking of leaving but hasn't decided. I think this is all because she isn't getting what she wants in our relationship and what she wants is to be able to act like she is single. I'm not sure how this is going to work


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I continue to challenge women on this board to tell of their experiences faling out of love with their husbands then falling back in love later. I don't get too many takers. A lot of "hang in there, you can make it work". Not a whole lot of "it happened to me and now we are so much happier".

Sorry to be negative, but it seems like you took to all of the former advice w/o looking for any of the latter. So go ahead. Hang in there. But also start to defend yourself against the hurt that's going to happen when she doesn't come back. Even if Riverside's study wasn't 25 years old, I still wouldn't believe it. Just look at what the internet has done to interpersonal relationships. Why should I stay with this balding, fat money controlling freak with his regular flatulence when all of these cool guys on the internet want me. Screw that.

Are my wife and I "happier" than we were 2 years ago? Sure. But two years ago my world came crashing down. We stayed together for the kids so we tolerate each other now. Talk a little. Sometimes laugh. Does she love me anymore than she did 2 years ago? No.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I have regained the intensity of love that I had for my husband when we were first married. I never stopped loving him but my love greatly diminished and was almost extinguished. 

We had a great relationship before children. The first baby he changed. He became more distant, would not help with the extra work of having a baby. 

When I asked and nearly begged him for help I got a lecture on how inefficient and disorganized I was. He refused to talk about why he changed or to listen to why I needed his help. 

We both work full time and I bring in nearly as much money as he does. I almost left about 3 yrs ago. I loved him basically but did not love the person he became. 

What saved us was that I happened to come upon a books on relationships and realized that he felt left out because I feel madly in love with our babies. He, of course, he missed his wife. Easy to realize now but difficult to see when i was living it and did not understand.

There are many reasons, this is what I have heard from friends, relatives and acquaintances - 
*Stops being nice and attentive after the wedding bells, it's like he does not need to do that anymore. 
*Gets involved in sports, friends, hobbies, work and has little time to spent with wife. 
*Pays attention only when he wants to have sex, spends less time on foreplay, less warm up time. 
*Has unreasonable expectations of sexual performance from wife *Does not take on a fair share of domestic duties, is resentful when asked to do anything but will not take the initiative,
*Expects wife to be a mother and pick up after him, wash his clothes, cook, take care of kids, clean house, go grocery shopping, remember important dates, take care of all Drs appointments including his. 
* Does not take her concerns seriously
* Ignores the many "little" things that concern her if they seem to be no big deal to him
*Says hurtful things and does not apologize and acts as if it's no big deal.

These are what I remember, there may be more. I am just giving you the female side since you asked I am certain men can make an even longer list.

Men and women think differently and sometimes we don't take into account how the other person sees the relationship. If on partner stops doing the things that are important to the other and discounts the needs as trivial, that seems unloving. 

Do you recognize any of the above in your relationship? Of course it takes two and I don't know your grievances. Sounds like you think she just suddenly fell out of love without just cause. 

But you must have played some role. If you think you didn't then that may be at lest one problem.


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## johnbob (Jul 13, 2011)

Thanks to all the new posts. You have all given me something (more) to think about. I do have a lot of questions I need to ask myself while, in turn, continuing to ask those questions to my wife. At the end of the day... I want her to be happy more than anything...If that's with me or on her own... well.... I guess time will tell.


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