# So scared to post, but here goes



## hgrey (Oct 26, 2010)

I'm new here and I wanted to share my story. My dh and I have been married for 11 years. We have 4 kids together. When our oldest was born he wanted me to be a stay-at-home mom, because he felt it was best for us financially. So I was at home a while and he was our sole provider. He is very annoyed that I don't do more here though. I am ok with having to cook dinner all the time, but I really would like some help with doing the shopping some of the times. He HATES to help with that. 
Now, I am working part time because we were in need of more income. I work 3 nights a week and Saturday and Sunday too.
He hates that I work and complains that he can never get anything done because when I am at work he has all 4 of the kids to take care of. He says that I have it so easy during the week because our two older kids are in school during the day.
I still feel the weekend days are challenging because I am taking care of the house, and making dinner, and helping the kids with homework.
So, the bottom line is: we fight. ALL the time. In front of the kids. We just can't have a conversation without arguing over things. And he is very stubborn. I feel like I never have a say in anything.
Our marriage has been broken for a long time. And I am worn out because I have nowhere to turn. I have no close friends anymore. I don't spend any time going out socially. I've tried talking with my mom, but she seems to ignore the problems I have, telling me that it'll be alright, or it'll get better. I can't talk to my only sibling, my brother, because he lives far away and he his quite a bit younger, and it's just hard to open up to him about it. 
I've wanted to leave so badly, but I can't do it on my own. I couldn't support 4 kids on my part time income. And I can't stay with my mom, she doesn't seem to understand. So, we are just here, barely talking because we can't talk without fighting. 
We just had our 11th anniversary and he didn't even say anything or call me from work that day or anything. We have just stopped caring about each other. We are like two roommates living together, taking care of our kids.
Thank you so much for listening. I appreciate any advice very much.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

hgrey said:


> He hates that I work and complains that he can never get anything done because when I am at work he has all 4 of the kids to take care of.


what exactly does he need to get done? 

Did you go back to work for you or was he okay with you going back to work? It kind of sounds like he doesnt want to be bothered with his family and only wants to be responsible for his work.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i sounds like life took over and either of you never talked about what it would entail. working part-time still is like full time, you have to leave, travel time, and the hours or days are not set in stone. 


there is probably something that happened years ago that wasn't talked about. now its the elephant in the room. i dint work, not that i never did, but dint and as long as the kids are young, i prob wont. we didn't talk about that aspect of our lives, and it blew up in our faces. my mom thinks i sit at home like little suzzy homemaker. thats OK by me, i cook, do most of the cleaning[kids do their part] i shop for food, he will go with me, but we dint have a car so guilt sets in and he knows he should help. i also dint drive, he does so he has no choice but to go.


i really dint care, he is not a stickler for housework, either its done or its not, but there better be food. now when he is not working, nope do everything i do.


try and ask him whats really bothering him, ask in a easy going vibe not when you are in bed, or in front of the kids. he will blow up you never listen, do not get mad men dint know "use your words/inside voice" listen to what he says and think about it. say what he said back in the form of a question. he will be annoyed, explain i want to see what you see and where you are coming from, he will answer...do not feed into his anger..very hard i know...he might say something hurtful, but think what he might have felt at the time when this incident happened.


i know how you feel over worked and underappriciated. what if he feels the same way. what could poss be hurting in his little world, remember this everybody is different and his gripe might seem petty to you, but to him its making all the difference. and your complaint could be major to you but seem petty to him.

just keep asking about his day, what funny thing happened at work, tell him about your day. always use words carefully, words are weapons, they hurt and they cut. keeping comm open will help you better understand how he thinks and reacts to situations at work, and how he might be applying that strategy at home.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

4 kids in 11 years means you've been dealing with overwhelming child-care responsibilities for years, and lots of people (women, not just men) find their jobs--no matter how difficult--are preferable to the endless demands (and mess) of parenting. Get some counseling, and get it fast. Go alone if he won't go with you. But really, you are in the most difficult stage of life here, and if the two of you can find a way back to each other now, you will have wonderful years ahead. It's a big "if." But it is a good enough goal that you should--if you can muster the energy--give it a try. Good luck.


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