# Update: Getting Divorced and not Happy



## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

This is my original story:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/15749-wife-moved-out-yesterday.html

Its pretty long and I understand if you dont want to read all of it. 

My wife and I have been separated for more than a year now. Right now the divorce paperwork has us with 50/50 joint custody with no child support. We have had this agreement since she left. I have been served my divorce papers and that is the custody agreement to this date. 

My wife sent me a few emails and said that I should get the house appraised, get a statement of how much money I have in my 401k and my pension. I hated this since I worked my rear off while my wife was in med school but was resolved to pay it because she is entitled by law in my state. I did send some angry texts saying that I know what the law says but she is a doctor and doesn't need to hurt me this way. She left me and is a doctor. Does she need to make me work till im 70 to retire lol. 

I talked to my lawyer and he said that he would defend me but it would cost a good bit a money. He did say that my wife would spend more trying to get it than I would defending it. He also said that he could drag out the process for a while(maybe longer than a year). He did say that she would end up getting something in the end but he wasn't sure if it would be worth much to her after she spent so much to get it. 

After I received the emails there was a good period of time where we didn't communicate. She finally texted me and asked if I wanted to negotiate. I asked her what she was talking about. She said that she was not really interested in the house or retirement. She said she was more interested in some additional time with my daughter. I called her and said that I wanted to know what she was talking about. She wants to keep our daughter every mon, tues and wed. I get every thurs and every other frid, sat, sund. In a two week period she gets 9 day and I get 5. I obviously asked if her intention is to get child support. She says she doesn't need it. 

I schedule a visit with my lawyer. He says that I really shouldn't mess with the custody. We have been 50/50 for a year. Would be hard for her to get more custody but she could try. If she fights for more custody, I am in a custody battle with a mother. She has a better job than me and has more money to fight me. If I fight her she can also still go after half my retirement. That is more money I would have to spend to defend myself. I could just give in and say she can have half the house and retirement but not more custody. That doesn't mean that she will still not fight me for more custody just because she can. 

Option 1: Tell her no. Say I want 50/50 with no child support. She can have half my house and retirement. Im forced to move out. I give up half of the house equity, 401k and pension. I have to pray to god that she doesn't get pissed and start a custody battle for more time with my daughter because I don't have the money to fight her and pay my bills. Possible bankruptcy. 

Option 2: Give in and give her what she wants. Pray that my ex-doctor wife doesn't really care about child support even though she is the domiciliary parent. Pray that she doesn't want to move away from my home town and give me even less time to spend with my child. Only get 10 days a month to spend with my child. 

Seems like i am screwed either way. In a 30 day month(average days in a month) I lose 5 days but don't lose my house and half my retirement. I also lose some parental rights if she is the lead parent. She can legally hit me up for child support at any time. She makes more money than me and wouldn't get much child support only keeping my daughter 5 extra days a month. If she is the lead parent and wants to move, she has better odds at moving away from our home town if the chance occurs. I did ask her if she wanted to move and she says that our hometown is where she wants to stay. On the flip side I could fight and lose everything. My home, half retirement, and still be in the same custody issue if she wins the custody battle. Even if she losses the custody battle, I would spend so much money defending myself I may still lose my home and other assets. 

What should I do? Family tells me to pray about it and only I can make the decision. They lean towards fighting but will not have the cash to support me if I have to to fight. They can lend me some money in the case she just settles for half my stuff but not a custody battle. They don't have the extra cash to pay for a custody battle.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

What she is proposing is the standard Texas EveryOtherWeekend screwjob that most dads get that cant afford to prove to some black robe that he is just as good a parent and should retain at least 50/50 custody in the best interest of the child. Your lawyer is right, but you also have access to half of HER 401K and half of HER pension, and she also gets to keep half of the debt as well. Most judges will see the status quo as it currently is and not want to change and uproot the kids if it is going well. The burden of proof is on your wife to prove you are not a fit parent. Otherwise, she can go suck eggs somewhere. You sell the house anyways, and split the equity after closing costs. 
Tell her you need a statement of her 401K and pension benefits as well, and to file a financial affidavit of all earnings.
How are her hours, hardly 9-5 I bet. So who's going to watch the kid on her "extra time"??
Remember, you are also entitled to half of the marital assets, her retirement, her equity in the home, her valued items, furniture, equity in automobiles jointly purchased with community funds. Dont lay down in fear.
Tell her you are willing to work out an agreement, in a mediation setting, (which the court will require you to anyways), and go from there. 

There may be some ways to negotiate back and forth, but you shouldnt have to settle for less than what you have now, under the threat of litigation from her. Any judge would see through that. How old is the kid? Old enough, or close to the age to file his/her own request of primary conservatorship?

Your family is definitely right on the "pray" part, but for guidance and wisdom, not out of fear. 
Give yourself some time to breathe too. All this stuff sounds very scary at first, but nothing is set in stone, and the fact that you have already had 50/50 for so long sets a very strong precedent that no judge will want to upset. 
Let your wife threaten all she wants. thats all that is, threats.
Maybe look into consulting with another lawyer as well, I am not liking the nonchalance your current one seems to portray.
You are in a custody battle with a mother that for a year was fine with you keeping 50/50 custody while she pursued her own agenda. Easily seen by a judge. right thru to the coreless core.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Just read your other post. Like MOST PARENTS with new borns, you had a hard time adjusting. Evidently so did your ABSENTEE WIFE that chose to go hang out with her friends instead of help with the baby and set priorities, and THEN go to work only being home 3 days a week. WTF????
I completely disagree with Turnera about you messing up. It sounds like you were just like every other new parent only were having to do it alone with a selfish shell of a woman going thru some mental issues. 
SHE abandoned you and that child. 
Let the judge know.
Call of Duty is a game that many people play, at least you were home with your kid not out boffing some dude like I am almost absolutely sure your wife is.
Her "poor me pity party" martyrdom is a facade, a fake, and is one of the many ways wayward people attempt to get rid of a situation and pursue someone else.
Just another method of blameshifting, but its fakely downing themselves "Im not good enough for you",, When in reality she is exactly correct, only her motives are for entirely different reasons.

Start making a journal of everything you remember, what you pay for, what doctor visits you take the child to, etc. etc. Everything that exposes this empty shell of a "mom" for what she really is.
An Absentee cheating lying excuse of a human being that chose her friends and career over her own family.


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

Thanks Shooboomafoo. The problem is that my wife has nothing of value. She doesn't have a 401k, pension, home, etc.... She just graduated from med school. She makes 15k less than me per year as a intern and has $150k dept in student loans. She has nothing to lose by fighting me and only things she can gain. Her family is wealthy and mine is not. That is where her financial backing would come from in the case she decides to fight me. 

If I fight, every penny of money that I own will go towards that fight. I'll have to cut way back. Right now I have a good balance. Im not saving much(except the money i put in the 401k each pay check). I have a very small cushion. I could afford to pay my lawyer to defend my assets. I can't afford to pay for a custody fight. Legal cost would force me to sell everything i own. Can people get a public defender in a divorce case lol? 

This whole thing sucks. If I fight I could lose everything. All my money, house, half my retirement, possibly lose custody because I can't pay my lawyer to defend me. If I agree to her terms I lose some parental rights and have to trust my wife. I know my wife better than anybody. I was with her for 10 years. It really is coming down to trust. She is asking for 5 extra days a month in exchange for letting me keep all my stuff. She claims she doesn't want child support and has no intention of moving. 

Your opinion of my ex-wife is very similar to some of my family members. They don't have a very good opinion of her but I still blame myself more.


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

Between money and our daughter..... choose your daughter, no question asked. You can make more money later. Your daughter needs you now.

You already have 50/50 with status quo for one year. The judge will keep that unchanged, most likely.

So... it will be very difficult for her to change the 50/50.

You need to document the time you spend with your daughter, and just be a great dad.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

She is earning less than you now, in a couple of years she will leave you in the dust earning wise. In some states you would be entitled to a percentage of her earnings since you helped put her through medical school and getting her license. You made an investment, you should get a return. As I understand it $150,000 in loans grove medical degree is less than 1/2 the average debt of a newly minted MD. Talk to your lawyer, just the threat of going there might give you some leverage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I dont want you to get into a position that you have no place to live, to be with and provide for your daughter during your times of custody. See if your wife will mediate an agreement. This will save you money in lawyer fees and a long drawn out battle in court.
Things such as the house versus 401k and pension can be bartered with. The idea is an "equitable" split. your wife is not going to get half of everything you own for nothing. Nor is she entitled to any more time than you have if there is no proof of you being an unfit parent. The years worth of 50/50 custody already under your belt is such a huge thing on your side. 
Let her have half the equity in the house, but you keep the title, so when you sell it years later, you recover the loss. 
Or heres, half of my 401K, but I keep the house and later on if you ever want to sell it, theres recovery of that loss.
She could buy out your half of the equity in the house, and she can move in, and you go buy a house somewhere else with the funds, or pay off some debt. 
Those material things are all workable, but they have to remain mutually equitable in the eyes of the court or its not going to fly. Shes not entitled to anything more than you are just because shes a mom.


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