# When do you know it's time...



## Lookingforclosure (Oct 24, 2011)

When do you know it's time to move on? When do you know you can't keep fighting for your marriage anymore and you may have to just let it go? How do you deal with the guilt of wondering if maybe there were something else you could have done? You made your vows to your spouse, are committed to them and thought it was for life, how you come to deal with the fact you may have to move on? How you deal with the pain, despair and the void? How do you survive it all?

Thank you in advance, any advice will be appreciated, anything that may help me cope with the pain I'm going through will help me more than I can say.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

All questions that have varying answers according to the particular situations for each person here, but one thing most of all is dealing with the emotional trauma.
It is so much easier said than done, but I myself, relied on the words of others here who were further along than I was. 
In the present state of extreme emotional sadness and anger and hurt and just feeling out of control,, it helped to hear that others here, having gone thru the same things were ultimately, eventually OKAY.

I went three weeks with extreme depression about it, calling everyone I knew talking like a broken record, and there were a few select friends and family members that were willing to listen and be supportive, this helps tremendously.
After those three weeks, guess what? I had a pretty decent day. Where I didnt have to excuse myself to the restroom to bawl my eyes out. Where I had begun to resolve myself that I too was going to be okay, even if it be by the skin of my teeth.

Then I relapsed into a few more weeks of sadness, and then anger.. all typical but very necessary steps of the healing process.
I kind of like allowed myself to "feel" it. Dont stifle it, dont lose control of course, but let yourself feel it. Having the tearful moments and taking that time to myself, allowed for a sort of a releasing feeling you know? Those moments became less and less, and I ended up have more "good" days during the weeks.
Even remembering the fact that I had a "good" day, began to shine in when I was really feeling down again, and it gave me something to look forward to. Helping the immediate situation.

Come here, read the posts from members past, members present. Realize that you are not alone and that it happens to people all over the world sometimes at a word-for-word similarity to your own. 

And as so many times I have heard in the past, even as difficult as it was to accept and believe in, allow yourself to take to heart the very fact that you will in time be alright, and that it will get better.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

Lookingforclosure said:


> how you come to deal with the fact you may have to move on? How you deal with the pain, despair and the void? How do you survive it all?


I think you just do. Other people, many of them, go through the same and yet they come out of the other side, changed maybe, but generally alive. Emotional pain will pass in the end no matter what the cause. Life is a struggle, yet the human spirit will triumph in the end.

The more practical answer is maybe: fill the void with friends, wild parties, alcohol (in moderation), an exotic holiday, marathon running, skydiving or anything else that takes your mind off it for a while. After a few months the pain will subside into the background for long enough for you to start functioning more or less normally again.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> I kind of like allowed myself to "feel" it. Dont stifle it, dont lose control of course, but let yourself feel it.


I think that is excellent advice. Bawling your eyes out for a few minutes really does make you feel better aftwards for some reason (there's lot of theories about why that might be if you google for them).


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## Lookingforclosure (Oct 24, 2011)

Thank you so much to both of you for taking the time to reply to me, I really appreciate it. I had one of those days where I can barely cope. I'm going through a roller coaster of emotions, sadness, anger, hurt, pain, depression... It helps me to come here and read your words as well as others peoples stories and see that is possible to go through this pain and not only survive but be okay.

I always had a fantastic group of friends that due to my marriage I lost contact with, I'm trying to reconnect with them, I'm trying to find support to keep going. I also tried to talk about it to a few close family members but they don't support divorce or separation, they just added more fuel to the guilt feelings I already have.

My husband has been my life, his problems, his issues, I have been 100% committed to him and our marriage, the vows I made to him were really for life. I have read every book, tried every approach and nothing has worked. I don't want to give up, I don't want to lose my marriage but I have fought for so long that it got to the point where I am emotional drained and physical sick, I think it's time to move but then I'm overwhelmed with feeling of guilt wondering if I really did everything I could, if there were something else I could have done, it drives me to despair and I can barely cope.

All this time I have never allowed myself to just cry and let it out, I have kept it under control, it may be ridiculous but I feel that if I just cry as much as I want and need it will mean I'm moving on but you are right I need to allow myself to "feel" it until now I haven't. I want to get to that place where this moments will become less and less, where I will have "good days".

I'm trying to go back to enjoy and do the things I always loved, I'm trying to get back to that part of myself that has been left behind, to my hobbies and the things I always loved, I'm trying to feel this void with positive things.

Thank you so much for giving me hope that is possible to survive this emotional pain and emotional trauma and be okay, that there's a future where it won't be always like this, that it will get better. I'm very grateful for your words. I really need them.


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

I am right there with ya, maybe a little further down. EA 2 years from the W and many issues prior and since. I said that same thing so many times and wanted to so many times. Then one day I noticed I stopped caring what if we did and I think that's when I knew. It was almost something I looked forward to. She knows indirectly that is what I want but we still need to sit down to have a real talk (I am away for work right now).


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

I mean this most sincerely and I am not trying to be flip but you will KNOW when it is time.

Trust me. I put up with crap, limbo, tears and heartache for almost three years. 

Suddenly, your heart, brain and sense of logic will work together and give you your answer.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Lookingforclosure said:


> When do you know it's time to move on? When do you know you can't keep fighting for your marriage anymore and you may have to just let it go?


When the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving.


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## Lookingforclosure (Oct 24, 2011)

I'm so grateful to all of you for taking the time to reply to me. 

I'm looking forward to be able to find some sort of closure. I have been having this almost outside body experience where I'm just going through the motions, I feel numb and detach. Is like I seeing someone else than myself going through all of this, I don't recognize myself anymore. 

2yearsince, I'm so sorry for what your going through, I cannot imagine the pain you must have been feeling. My husband has not been involved in any EA or PA that I know of, we have many issues between them his endless flirting and inappropriate behavior towards women even in front of me. I have tried everything to solve/fix the most different issues, read all the books, used all different approaches, made changes, I spend all the time doing things for him, with him or about him, he has been my world, nothing has worked, all my efforts have been ignored. My husband knows what is going on but either tries to rug swept it or takes the approach that everything is fine. Lately I have starting to feel that I don't care anymore, I feel I'm detaching, the feeling scares me and I try to hold on and send the feeling away as I want so desperate to make it work, then there's the guilt that I find so hard to deal with.

VeryHurt, Little by little I think I'm getting there. I have put up with it for almost now as long as you did. The lies, gas light, limbo, hurt, pain... the emotional trauma that engulfs every aspect of my life daily is beyond what I can describe. I have been fighting it really hard but I think they been trying to give me that answer for a while now, I think I have just been fighting them to hard to not listen.

Prodigal, this is such a precious quote, I will keep it in mind and carry it with me. I'm already at this stage.

Thank you so much to all of you for your insight, for sharing and advice, I'm really grateful, this week has been so hard, only reading your posts and know that I'm not alone and that it's possible to eventually be okay has kept me going and with strength to keep getting up in the morning. Thank you.


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

Remember this: People fight because they care. THe day you give up on fighting him/her and you resign to fate is the day you know it's time to move on.


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## h0pe (Oct 29, 2011)

aston said:


> Remember this: People fight because they care. THe day you give up on fighting him/her and you resign to fate is the day you know it's time to move on.


Uh huh. This sounds true. I am at the place now that I really am ready for it to end. Living with the emotional abuse and bullying for 15 years (no kids) has worn me down. 

Out of the blue my husband will strike out verbally at me. Its truly like walking on eggshells around him. We dont have any type of marriage anymore in any sense of the word, its just a living arrangement for convenience I think.


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## Hopeeternal (Oct 28, 2011)

I am in the early stage of this. W and I have had problems for a long time, and I can take the blame for that since I was consumed by my business. We fought, we distanced ourselves, we said angry and hurtful things. Six months ago or so I had to let go of my struggle to keep the business alive. It is failing and there is nothing I can do. I felt FREE to start working on our relationship again, as I always told her I would. This past Monday I found out about her EA. Now I cannot function. I cry at the darnedest times, I am an emotional wreck! She is not sure if she wants to continue the marriage, she feels nothing for me. I am trying very hard to make it work but I am the only one working at it. I have set a deadline for myself (and communicated this to her). If things are not better by January I will move on. I can't say that the next few months are going to be easy emotionally for me but I am going to try. If it still fails I will know that I DID DO everything I could have done and I CAN move on without any guilt. It does not mean I will be okay when I do move on...I will still be a wreck, but time heals everything.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

aston said:


> Remember this: People fight because they care. THe day you give up on fighting him/her and you resign to fate is the day you know it's time to move on.


This is true. The opposite of love is indifference.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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