# Did I do the right thing?



## forgotten1 (Sep 9, 2011)

I have been keeping pretty close tabs on my husband since he had an EA with his ex before me. Mind you this is someone that he hooked up with on facebook, we have been married for 25 years so it had been over forever when he looked her up and friended her. I did question him about who this person was and got the reply that she was someone from the military that he worked with, so I did not make a big deal over it. I found out around November of last year that they had become great friends and crossed the lines of that into a full blown EA it had been ongoing for 1 1/2 years, I confronted them both and took the path of no contact (which took a few weeks but eventually it died out...I think). Fast forward a bit and now there is another girl that he worked with in the military and here we go again. Up until yesterday I had access to his facebook (althought he did not know that I did) and had the code to his phone (once again he did not know that I did). I was able to access conversations between them where she starts out calling him hun, then moves to honey, he returns the favor on the pet names She gave him her number and I think that he is going to a payphone to call her because he knows that the cellphone is in my name and I have full access to all of the information on calls and texts (numbers anyway). So anyway yesterday I dropped by my moms house to jump on the computer to see what he had been up too with her, he had changed his password, then when he set his phone down (which is rare) I checked the code and it was changed too. That really got my mind going into overdrive so I checked her facebook page and noticed it was her birthday yesterday. I then proceeded to check my phone records to see the status of contact only to find out that when I left for work at 5am he got right online and did not get off till it was time for my son to get up at 7am. I left my moms armed with my new information all prepared for his lies once more, and true to form when asked if he was on the internet at all he said no, once he saw that I knew he had been online he threw it all back into my face that he was tired of being accused of cheating on me when he never so much as talks to another woman. I let it drop not wanting to cause a huge fight and have my son get the fall out of his resentment towards me for questioning him about anything. This morning I awoke earlier than normal and so I decided to write him a letter. I outlined much of what I have read on here about becoming open (no secret password, phone locks ect) I also told him that I needed to have him delete her from his facebook and cellphone along with a few others. I went on to say that I knew what he was doing and with whom, even going as far as including lines from some of the letters I had read. At this point when I checked to see if he had deleted her she was still there. I also attached some information about emotional affairs and their signs (of which 99% applies) So after all of this background information I get to my main question was it stupid of me to tip my hand and let him see what I had.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

to start- click the link in my signature about newbies and please read that

now let's take a look at your post and go over a few things, please note that while I call some of these actions mistakes, in no way am I blaming you for your husband's actions but it's good to learn from them




forgotten1 said:


> Up until yesterday I had access to his facebook (althought he did not know that I did) and had the code to his phone (once again he did not know that I did).


mistake number 1

you mishandled the terms of reconciliation in the first affair

while it was good you got no contact established you didn't get your husband to also be completely transparent. He should have freely given you his passwords, in fact it probably would have been best he closed his FB account.



forgotten1 said:


> So anyway yesterday I dropped by my moms house to jump on the computer to see what he had been up too with her, he had changed his password, then when he set his phone down (which is rare) I checked the code and it was changed too.


big old red flag, he's purposely covering his tracks at this point and definitely realizes this is inappropriate behavior.



forgotten1 said:


> once he saw that I knew he had been online he threw it all back into my face that he was tired of being accused of cheating on me when he never so much as talks to another woman.


this is what we call blameshifting and gaslighting
he's following the cheater's script



forgotten1 said:


> I let it drop not wanting to cause a huge fight and have my son get the fall out of his resentment towards me for questioning him about anything.


bad idea

while delaying the argument for children is fine you still need to get this addressed asap



forgotten1 said:


> This morning I awoke earlier than normal and so I decided to write him a letter. I outlined much of what I have read on here about becoming open (no secret password, phone locks ect) I also told him that I needed to have him delete her from his facebook and cellphone along with a few others. I went on to say that I knew what he was doing and with whom, even going as far as including lines from some of the letters I had read. At this point when I checked to see if he had deleted her she was still there. I also attached some information about emotional affairs and their signs (of which 99% applies) So after all of this background information I get to my main question was it stupid of me to tip my hand and let him see what I had.


no actually I think you did the right thing (you asked for transparency)- mostly


you needed to inform him of what would happen if he doesn't

and this is where the 3rd factor that was overlooked in the 1st affair comes into play

you need to inform him that you refuse to live in an open marriage and if he does not establish no contact, be completely transparent and show true remorse then you will have no other option but to leave the marriage

and yes he may decide that he won't comply but at least you won't be wasting any more time with a man who refuses to respect the marriage and you deserve better

and if he does then you can take a more proper path towards R

good luck


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Also, if OW is married or has a BF, find out who he is and expose the affair to him.


----------



## forgotten1 (Sep 9, 2011)

Thanks for the response to my question, it makes a lot of sense. A quick update, when I got home from work yesterday he was storming around the house slamming the doors ect., when I entered a room he would get up and leave the room muttering under his breath. I tried to ask him if he read the article that I attached to the letter...his reply was F You I am not talking to you so leave me the hell alone. And by the way I did as you asked and deleted her from my facebook (he left her teenage daughter and the others that I asked him to remove there) so I guess it will be a huge fight again tonight when I tell him to continue to remove everyone that I need to have removed to move forward and make an attempt to try and save the marriage. Almostrecovered I agree perhaps it would be best to have him remove his facebook account but I already know he would just go further underground and open one under a different name. Lordmayhem, she is not married anymore but at one time she was married to one of his military friends, she served in the same unit as both of them. Kind of an easy girl if you know what I mean and makes no appologies for her actions when she slept with married men while serving. One of the first things she asked my husband in an out of the blue e-mail is "are you a 100% happy in your marriage" then she went on to say oh yeah my ex M just got remarried and the man I was seeing cheated on me and got another girl pregnant so I kicked him out. Then at the end of the e-mail she gives him her phone number and tells him to call her she really would love to get together and have dinner. I let a 3rd party read the letter and give their opinion on it without telling them it was my husband she was writing it too, they laughed and said they got the I am single, I am desparate so if you are not happily married give me a call and we can hook up. LOL I thought yep that is what I got from it too. Sad state of affairs when people set out to destroy others lives with so little regard.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

That email is her totallyl fishing to hook up with your husband. Completely.


To me, it sounds like he is still upset about having to elete her from his FB since he's acting like a 3 yr old throwing tantrums. he should delete all her family too if he's serious.

I am SO sorry you are going through this


----------

