# I need help....am I a bastard?



## PHE (Apr 25, 2015)

Before I start, first let me say this....my wife and I have not been getting along so well for various reasons and our relationship is not the "cohesive" relationship that it once was and its not because of any infidelity or anything like that its just because of life and family issues.

With that being said, it is Memorial Day Holiday weekend and today (Sunday) was supposed to be our "Holiday" together due to the fact that both of us have to work tomorrow. This past Friday, my wife bought cookout food items for our holiday today, she even went so far as to text me last Friday and ask what I wanted to eat for today.

So, here is my problem. She bought all of this food for our "Holiday" together today and yesterday she informed me that one of her friends wanted to meet today. Here's is my problem with this, she has been gone all day without a word. At 5pm, I finally sent her a text and asked if she was still there and she replied yes (by the way, it is an hour drive away). I replied "I guess this means we are not eating together today?" She replied with "We can have a late dinner". 

Really? This has really upset me and quite honestly I am mad about it. Am I a bastard for feeling this way? Am I being selfish? I just don't understand why she would go thru all of the trouble of texting me to ask what I want, buy the food and then be gone all day.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Need more context, man.

But ya, I'd be pissed.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

No.. you are not a B_____ for feeling let down and upset over her not keeping her word to you.. you were led to believe you & she would spend the day together, it was your Holiday time..and she chose to spend it with another.. . 

At the very least...she could have called hours before , telling you what is happening.. asking if she could stay longer.. giving you the heads up...that would be considerate...if it's ok that you have this late dinner.. or wanting to make it up to you.. this would have made all the difference I bet??

If you are a B____ for this... so would many others in a similar situation..

Upon reading the title of this thread.. I was sure thinking of something worse than this ! Look...you're just a husband looking forward to spending time with his wife . I'd think you'd be worse if you didn't care to do that!!... I hope she will realize, on her drive home, how she let you down.. and wants to make up for it ..


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## PHE (Apr 25, 2015)

Thanks for the replies. I feel a bit better about it now. It's just one if those...I really just don't understand things but....life goes on.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I'd go on with the dinner without her. Perhaps there's something going on with the friend you don't understand -- maybe there's some kind of emergency.

At any rate, I find it's best to just go on with my day when people bail on me, my wife included.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I am a bastard and no, you're not one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> I am a bastard and no, you're not one.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:lol:

I think you have a right to be upset. What was she doing with this friend? Was she drinking all day or something and lost track of time?

I think anyone would be annoyed.


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## PHE (Apr 25, 2015)

Nope, nothing going on with the friend. In fact, when we were talking about it this morning, she said she has known about this meeting for a few days now so again, if she knew, why go thru all of the trouble knowing she wasn't going to be here. My thought is she did it on purpose.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

I'd be mad too.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Well, I would be upset if a friend did that to me...I would definitely be upset if my significant other was so inconsiderate. 

Even if there is something going on with the friend that's big...well that warrants and phone call and an apology. Initiated by her. I mean, life happens that interfere with your plans, but based on what you are describing your wife is being rude and inconsiderate. 

Not sure what you can do about it, though.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Pretty heartless in my book. The two of you had a 'date' sort of planned out and she goes somewhere else for the entire day??

That's dead wrong.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> Pretty heartless in my book. The two of you had a 'date' sort of planned out and she goes somewhere else for the entire day??
> 
> That's dead wrong.


:iagree:

it makes me mad, and it didnt even happen to me.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> I am a bastard and no, you're not one.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


* Greatly reminds me of a tenured history professor I had while in college whose opening day line to his classes were, "There's only one bastard in this classroom and it's not you ~ don't even think about pi$$ing me off or you'll reluctantly find out just how much of a bastard I can be!"*


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

PHE said:


> Before I start, first let me say this....my wife and I have not been getting along so well for various reasons and our relationship is not the "cohesive" relationship that it once was and its not because of any infidelity or anything like that its just because of life and family issues.
> 
> With that being said, it is Memorial Day Holiday weekend and today (Sunday) was supposed to be our "Holiday" together due to the fact that both of us have to work tomorrow. This past Friday, my wife bought cookout food items for our holiday today, she even went so far as to text me last Friday and ask what I wanted to eat for today.
> 
> ...


Not sure if this is a "thing" in your relationship, but in some circumstances the worst response to this would be one that sounds needy and pleading for her attention. Not that you shouldn't respond to this in some kind of way but you have to do it from a position of confidense and strength.

The fact she felt free to blow you off like there would not be any consequences that she would care about might indicate you a doormat thing going on, but as others have said, this needs more context.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Hey Scrambled....your avatar shows FRIED eggs, not scrambled!!! 
;-)

I agree with all of the posts, PHE, you are not a bastard! ConanHub IS though!!

I would be pretty peeved too. Even if your wifes friend was having 'issues' etc and you wife needed to spend time with her, she has a mobile phone, why didn't she ring you to update you?

I think I would also have just cooked and eaten alone - 'Sorry, I was hungry'. Although I wouldn't make such a big thing of it I would certainly let her know that I was not happy, and that the least she could have done was keep you in the loop.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Misplace your phone. 
Eat all the food. 
Watch a funny movie. 
Fall asleep. 

Basically carry on and enjoy life without her and don't be clingy and mopey.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I would not let someone ruin my day and have that much power over my emotions. Instead, I would alter plans and invite friends, family, or go find something else to do, other people to be around with. It is not worth the negative emotions over.

Also, I would detach emotionally as a response. If someone has little regard for the relationship, it is not worth over extending yourself to make up their half of the responsibilities. It is not retaliation, it is about not wanting to feel pain and hurt. It is simply better to alter your expectations from your partner's actions and behavior, than expecting and being let down if the expectations are not met. Given enough of that situation occurring, the relationship is no longer viable as it stands and you then have a choice to make.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Is the friend male or female?

Is the friend married or unmarried?

Where did she go?

What kind of meeting?

Is this friend a friend to your marriage?

How long have they known each other and how do the know each other?

Has she dropped you like this before?


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

If the shoe were on the other foot...THEN you'd be a bastard.

For Sure!


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

:iagree::iagree:
Absolutely!


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Is the friend male or female?
> 
> Is the friend married or unmarried?
> 
> ...


All excellent questions.


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## Vorlon (Sep 13, 2012)

Like others indicated. Do not put your life on hold for her. She is not showing you the same courtesy. 

IMHO: She is showing you and your marriage a level of disrespect and neglect that does indicate you have real problems in the marriage. Maybe not huge at this point but your losing that deep connection and commitment to each other that is needed to hold a marriage together. 

Basically she had plans with you but something better came along so you were pushed aside with nary a second thought. Not good. This should be a wake up call for the both of you or else its just a matter of time until it all crumbles. I may sound a bit dramatic here but it is this type of relationship neglect that leads to looking across the table one night and realizing you don't know the other person and your not even sure you like them anymore let alone love. 

I would cook up the food...eat it and then go the movies or some other hobby by myself or with a real friend. Your wife was fully aware she wasn't going to spend the day with you. Frankly she really didn't care how you felt about it and she felt nothing about it.

Then in a few days its time to sit down and discuss the state of your relationship and if your both willing to work on it before it goes down the drain.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Feeling upset about this is a natural response, IMO. Because that was quite a "dis" on her part. 

How you react to those feelings could make you needy, but having them doesn't. 

What happened when she got home?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

hmm, I smell a rat.

keep quiet and keep your eyes open.


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