# My husband told me he's not happy- please help!



## happiness101

My husband of nearly 5 years told me last night that he is not happy and hasn't been for almost a year. The long and short of it is he says there isn't a way for hime to articulate his unhappiness. he thinks that while we always knew our personalities were different, it's just taken us the almost 7 years we've known each other to realize how different they really were. Looking back, I can say that things haven't been great, but I've not been unhappy recently. It's almost like we were living as roomates. I suggested couples counseling, he doesn't want to do that. I'm lost- I don't want my marriage to end, I truly love my husband and can't picture my life without him in it. Please help- has anybody gone through this and survived married?

Thank you in advance.


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## COFLgirl

It's difficult to say what is going on with your husband based on what you have posted here. Your husband's response could mean a lot of things and it is very important that you get to the bottom of this. I'm not trying to sound condescending, honestly...it's just that I have been in almost the exact same situation as you...a little over a year ago. My original post would have sounded very similar to yours here.

From my perspective your husband saying that he is not happy could mean several things:

1. He has disconnected from your relationship and has "one foot out the door" so to speak.

2. He is trying to get your attention before he completely gives up.

3. He is having or considering having an affair. (probably hard to hear, I know)

In my case, it was #3 but it was because my husband had pretty much checked out of the marriage beforehand. By the time I got the "I'm not happy" speech... it was pretty much too late. I really hope this is not the case for you and your husband.

On a positive note, my husband and I were able to minimize the damage caused by his affair and have built a stronger, much better marriage as a result. So yes, a happy marriage can be the result but it takes two willing partners to make this work. 

If you can post a little more information, we might be able to help you more.


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## happiness101

Thank you for your response. 
I don't think he is or would have an affair. I think that he still wants to try to have a sucessful and happy marriage, but neither one of us is certain how to accompllish it. He doesn't like to share his feelings with me until he can't handle them anymore. He told me that at the point when he finally does tell me, he says he is never sure how I'll react. After he tells me, he says he ends up feeling guilty ( I'm a very easy crier) and then wishes he had kept his mouth shut. I do have depression, and have been this way since we met, so this is nothing he didn't know. He also expressed that he's been feeling very cynical and angry towards me for reasons he can't explain. For example- I am directionally challenged (driving directions). On a recent trip he got mad that I had us going in circles. When I told him that getting mad at me was not going to make me better at reading a map, he took the map and curtily showed me where we were, etc. He used that recent experience as an example of how his attitude toward me has changed. I just don't know what to do. He's right- personalities don't change, and I now realize that our relationship isn't where it was two years ago. I love him so much and am ready to fight (figuratively speaking) to make our marriage stronger from this experience. 
Thanks again for any advice or suggestions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lola_b

Maybe as a cute gift, and show that there are no hard feelings...get him a GPS unit! Also, pick up the book Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands (for you only to read). He might be acting in a way the book describes and the book is also great at giving tips on how men think/act...I've made it a point to properly care and feed my husband!


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## CarolineMRF

What did you do two years ago that you don't do now?...These are the place in life that you must go back and find...When you forget the happiness of your yesterday's that brought you together, problems will set in...This is the secret of true love...Looking at the boy in the man in front of you and not letting boredom of life set in...I believe in each partnership that there has to be a dominant person who sees this happening and doesn't let it fester...Sure it takes two to tango, but one to lead the dance of life....


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## KeepLoveAlive

I had to chuckle at the map reading thing......sorry, but I am the same way and it took YEARS until my husband finally understood. 

And we've been down that road before too, feeling like roommates, not happy, but not unhappy. It happens in a marriage, but if you don't change it, it can lead to the end of the marriage.

It is good he has expressed this to you. Now instead of fretting over what he said, start taking some action. Find some things you both can do together to rebuild your relationship. Change your routines so you are not in a rut.

Don't become overcome with emotion by what he said.....instead start doing something about it. 

Nina


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## KeepLoveAlive

Yes and buy the GPS, one for each car! Why argue?


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## happiness101

Thanks all for the great words of advice. We actually had a GPS unit with us, but it couldn't find a satellite signal. After that day I told him I wasn't going to go anywhere unless it was working! 
I am going to check out a few books and I'm going to go to a therapist that specializes in relationships (hopefully my hubby will decide to come with me eventually). 
I am trying to lead the way for us to correct this problem ad move on in a happier marriage, but I am not used to having to lead (and can't read a map well enough to get there on my own, lol).


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## happiness101

The other problem I'm currently having is trying to get my husband to explore what exactly is making him unhappy. I asked him to try to write things down or email them to me when they come to mind so that we can work on them. He replied that he told me all of that when he told me he was unhappy in the first place. I was listening to him then, but I was also in a little bit of shock, and can't remember everything he said. any suggestions on how to oppen him up to actively working out why he is unhappy?


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## SusanB

Are there things that your H enjoys that you could also participate in? Maybe have him show you how to read a map, so it appears you are taking an interest in something he knows, and then offer him some "favors" in return?


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## happiness101

He told me during the "talk" that he is afraid to introduce anything new or spontaneous into our reltionship because he can't know how I will react. I might get angry or resent him for offering advice or being better at something than I am. I tried to tell him that he can't assume things like that, and to call me out when my reactio is unwarrented, but he shuts down and then feels guilty for bringing it up to begin with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happiness101

He has also said that he doesn't want to ruin happy memories of things we have done together in the past by trying to do them together now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheMarriageManual

Your issue has a lot of components to it, unfortunately not easy ones.

Let me try to address the first one, your depression, I have many friends with clinical depression and they are all on anti-depressants, not a fan of meds, but they seem to work for them. Your husbands unhappiness, When someone is unhappy we all know that it is up to that person to figure it out, and really there is nothing we can do except offer support. Does your husband have a good relationship with his parents?

If not, the quickest way to change your life is to forgive that parent, because you are half your mom and half your dad, the parent you are angry at is the part of you that you loath as well. I know this sounds so matter of fact, but it is a huge weight off if you can do it. Lastly, your marriage, you love him. I am not here to necessarily promote our book, but we did write a book The Marriage Manual available at http://www.themarriagemanual.com and the part for you is all about how to talk to your husband so he will WANT to talk to you. 

It is a short read and you can find out if you are doing everything right, and if you are, then you will just have to ride it out! Hope this helps and good luck to you!


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## happiness101

Thank you- I will definitely check out the marriage manual. My husband has a good relationship with his parents, and I have said in the past that I love them as if they were my own ( they treat me like a true daughter). I think he might just be scared that our marriage is failing. I am glad ge told me now, as opposed to when it might have been too late. I think the rest of the week will be a indicator of how we can overcome this obstacle.

Thanks again for all the help. I'm becoming a big fan of this website and the forum it offers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happiness101

So- an update, because I don't don't know what else to do!

My husband has told me that in addition to not being happy anymore, he is "emotionally involved" with another woman. I know who the woman is and considered her a friend. (BTW- my husband is technically this woman's boss, they work together) He says he feels a connection to her that he has never felt before and can read her emotionally, and he can't do that to me. This woman feels the same towards my hubby and is divorcing her husband (I just found this out). He spoke of several events in our lives where I may not have been happy, or had sacrificed my happiness for his (In my opinion, anyway). I think he basically is trying to get me to be the bad guy. I told him that until he is happy with himself, we can't determine how our marriage will be affected. I am trying to get him to talk to somebody, on his own, as I am. If we are both happy with ourselves an our marriage is still not working, that's the time to look at the next steps. 
He is now sleeping in another bedroom, and got mad when I didn't want to continue discussing things for a while ( I tried to tell him that I needed some time to process things).

any advice, opinions? how do I get him to seek help for himself? Is my marriage really over? I don't want it to be...


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## Corpuswife

You can't do anything to seek help or want to stay in the marriage. Being emotionally involved with someone lessens the likelihood that he is going to want to work on the marriage. Until that is resolved...not much will change with him and his attitude toward you.

In the meantime, take action on your behalf. Get individual counseling. Read some self help books. Exericise. Go out with friends. Become a more attractive person for you and your marriage. 

You marriage isn't necessarily over. Just take the time to work on yourself. You will know, in your heart, when it's over.


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## happiness101

So he has told me he wants a divorce, and I am in shock. Within a month I went from happy (I thought) to my H is unhappy, to my H is having an emotional affair and is attraced to another woman, to my H wants a divorce. I am not willing to give up so easily. I want him to at least try to work things out. I'm seeing a therapist and would like to have him see one as well, but know that I can't force him to go. I think our marriage is worth saving and need to get him to realize it. I feel like he's taking the easy way out, and that he thinks if we get divorced all of his problems will be solved. He says he's felt unhappy for a while, but hasn't said anything to me... So what may have been a small problem 6 months aga, has now turned into a large one that will not be easy to fix. I don't know. I want my marriage to continue. I truly love him. I just don't know what else I can do...help?


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## Corpuswife

Can you suggest a separation first instead of a rushing into a divorce?

These EA/PA never work out. It's the way to help fill the void or whatever unhappiness they feel. Once the newness of this relationship is over and he figures out HER flaws then he may wake up a bit. They aren't always rational at these times. 

A separation would give you both time and space. He doesn't need to be around you with another woman present in the relationship. Set firm boundaries with him. Don't appear needy and work on yourself. It's not easy but you appear more attractive this way.


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## COFLgirl

(((happiness101)))

I'm very sorry for your pain, BTDT myself in a very similar situation a year ago at this time.

I second what Corpuswife mentions above. These types of relationships (meaning whatever your husband is pursuing with this OW), rarely, if ever, work out. This is happening very likely because of something within your husband that he will need to address. He is projecting all his unhappiness onto you and your marriage and thinks that this other person or another life is what will make him happy.

Happiness only comes from within...and your husband has to realize this for himself. Leave him alone. Ask for a separation instead of a divorce and go from there. I know it seems counter-intuitive but you can't force your husband to work on your marriage if he is not willing. Take care of yourself as best you can and figure out what you want to do. Forget him for now.


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## sue_lim_wa

Well i think this whole thing is very simple.

If you become negative, hostile, or critical or do anything that withdraws communication or discourages it, or the same with sexuality since guys regard sexuality as a continuaton of other sharing and communication ... 

THEN

Most guys will simply say "ok, we hav ruled out talking about X topic forever ... since that is a problem" 

if it is an issue of sex

they will respond with 

"ok so we ahve ruled out joy or pleasure in that aspect of sexuality forever since she used it or linked it to approval or a power game or something conditional"

pretty soon

he has lots of topics that are on his "banned list"
and 
no longer regards sexuality with you as "emotionally gratifying" even if he still ****s you hourly ... as you took the "love/joy" out of it with some conditionality of ANY kind ... 

Guys are very "unconditional or nothing" kinds of animals.

build up the "banned list" in their heads and hearts and eventualy there is nothing left that they find joy or solace or peace in ... and the equation for them is just stress of avoiding all the time the "banned list" ... and little joy... ergo .. not happy pretty fast once you start down that pathway.

Sounds to me like you are FAR down that pathway.

Learn from it and let him go.

Undoing this with a guy is nearly impossible ... 

From his perspective it is like russian roulette ... would you want to do sex with him if everytime there was a 1 in 6 chance the chamber would be loaded and you would get your brains blown out ? That is EXACTLY how guys feel about going back 
to a "trust position" after they have put a topic or activity on the "banned list" for good cause ... 

CLose up your life, move on and try to do a good cold blooded assessment of your actions for letting this happen ... DONT make it his fault as that is a good way to have a repeat, make it YOUR fault for not figurin out positive ways to enable communications and sexuality unconditionally so that this would not occur or result ... 

Forgot the marriage, screwed already ... no way back.

Move on, try not to do this again.

Susan


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## Voyager

I'm so sorry you find yourself here, Happiness101.

Are you sure his 'emotional attachment' has not turned physical?

Your situation sounds much like my story with a reversal of genders. Though in my case it took my wife seven more years to find the courage to tell me she was unhappy. During that time she had a series of one night stands while away on business trips. It wasn't until she felt an emotional connection that she finally let me know that she wanted out of the marriage. Even then I did not know about the affairs. I discovered that later. A year and a half later we are still together and seem to be on the right track for repairing the damage that has been done. 

I'm just using my story to illustrate what could be. Since your husband has difficulty telling you how he feels and is afraid of your response, there may be much more to the story than he is telling you. 

You do need to protect yourself here. Get some counseling. Build up your emotional strength. You will have to be confident in yourself in order to get through this. No matter what he says, his actions are his own, you are not to blame for them. Sadly, you also have to be concerned about STDs. 

I'm not a believer in separation as a tool for saving a marriage. I don't think it would have worked for us. In fact, that was one of the boundaries I set: we had to live together and work on the marriage together. Ultimately, though, our turning point came when I expressed my remorse over the end of our marriage but would prefer that over the continued unhappiness we were both suffering. The 'Let them go' thread sums it up pretty well.

Again, I am so sorry you find yourself here. I found a lot of support on-line. Writing my experiences, hearing others' experiences, even offering advice to others helped me get through the most difficult thing I've ever done. I hope it will help you, too.


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## I'm me

This thread is from 2 years ago and sadly the last post she made above is the last post she made in this entire forum.


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## Voyager

Oh, good heavens. I didn't even notice that. :slap:


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