# How do you decide that divorce is the option to take?



## Keith123 (Jun 3, 2016)

When do you know for sure that divorce is the option you want to take? Especially, with little kids? I have a long story but I can’t seem to walk out the door and not have my kids full time anymore even though I know I’m sacrificing some of my own life and happiness. I can’t seem to clearly decide to not be with them everyday and not put them to bed every night so as to not be around their mother. Can’t figure out what to do.




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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

That is a very hard place to be. I put up with a lot in order to be with my kids. I focused a lot of attention on them as my wife didn't want to interact with me. She had threatened to keep them from me if we divorced. Once the kids got old enough to know that dad would never just walk away from them, I gave wife ultimatum to either talk to MC about her issues or I would leave. 

Some people will say leave, it's a hard decision you have to make. I took my kids hunting, fishing, snowmobiling & to a lot of baseball games. 2 of 3 are out of house, I've had my cell ring @ 2 in morning when one of them needed advice & time from me. They turned out AWESOME. You do end up giving up some of your life, and things could have been different, but for ME, I think I made the right choice.

Wish I could give you more...

One more thought, this doesn't mean you can't work on yourself in the mean time. Go to gym early or late, get in best shape you can be, work on being the best person you can be. You haven't said what issues are with wife, so not able to give further suggestions.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Keith123 said:


> When do you know for sure that divorce is the option you want to take? Especially, with little kids? I have a long story but I can’t seem to walk out the door and not have my kids full time anymore even though I know I’m sacrificing some of my own life and happiness. I can’t seem to clearly decide to not be with them everyday and not put them to bed every night so as to not be around their mother. Can’t figure out what to do.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


What is going on that you don't want to be around their mother? Is there any way to fix it?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

My first husband cheated on me with all the accompanying gaslighting and blameshifting. For two years I went to therapy specifically to try to "fix things that were wrong with me" and tried to do marriage counseling to fix the marriage, but whilst I changed quite a bit and learned a lot, he did not change, would not change, refused to change. I came to learn that I had little or no self-esteem and he was abusive, and no I don't throw that word around lightly. He didn't ball up his fist and hit me so abuse never entered my mind, but he did kick our dog, throw things at me (like dishes), punch the wall right by my head, threaten me with knives and cast iron pans, choke me on the floor, grab me so hard I got bruises, and push me into walls and out doors....plus all the typical yelling, swearing, screaming and raging. 

In addition, from the marriage counseling that I attended, I learned that he was the exact opposite Myers Briggs personality from mine, and our Love Languages didn't match, etc. Now my personal opinion is that even if two individuals are opposites, they can still make a fine marriage IF THEY BOTH COMMIT TO IT. I was willing to try to work on getting his message but I also hoped he would want to work on getting my message, and he had no desire whatsoever. 

So after two years of trying to fix things all by myself, and after about a year of separation where he would not go to counseling or change in any way or stop being unfaithful...I made the decision to file for divorce. The marriage was dead--killed by him--and I just made the legalities match. 

I tell you all this because I think it is important to exhaust every avenue that you think is reasonable. Have you been to counseling? Have you taken the time to look at what may need addressing on your side of the street? Have you done all you can to build love and then keep the love fires burning? If you can honestly look yourself in the mirror and say you have done all you can do, then it may be time to consider divorce If you can not look yourself in the mirror and say you've done all you can do for as long as you can do it--then go address what needs to be done. Learn how to be a healthier man, father and husband. Learn about love and personalities and Love Languages. Once you are a better version of yourself, I think the day will come that you say to yourself "I can do no more and now it must either be her pitching in or file." And there ya go!


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

*channeling Jeff Foxworthy*

If you find yourself on an anonymous Internet forum asking strangers for advice, you’re probably ready for a divorce. 


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Keith123 said:


> When do you know for sure that divorce is the option you want to take? Especially, with little kids? I have a long story but I can’t seem to walk out the door and not have my kids full time anymore even though I know I’m sacrificing some of my own life and happiness. I can’t seem to clearly decide to not be with them everyday and not put them to bed every night so as to not be around their mother. Can’t figure out what to do.
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


*Keith: You sound just like I did when my first bipolar XW had me served with divorce papers when I was on my back in a hospital bed being told that I needed a quad bypass surgery in order to survive! 

I knew that there was cheating going on with her but didn't realize the full extent of it until sometime later! The only reason she wanted primary custody of my sons was to keep from paying out child support herself. 

I stayed in the house with her and my sons up until time for surgery, so as to be there to deflect any of her mental rants and tirades that she wanted to exercise toward both of those precious sons of mine!

I know what it is that you're going through, Brother!*


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Keith123 said:


> When do you know for sure that divorce is the option you want to take? Especially, with little kids?


When you realize that you will be better off on your own, in your own home with your kids part time rather than being under the same roof full time.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

It was a very hard decision as I loved and cared about my ex-wife dearly. At the suggestions of others I VAR'd her at her office, car and handbag. Everyone thought she was cheating, but I couldn't find evidence. I did find evidence about lies and deceit against me. She was was just staying around until she's ready to leave. She also blocked me from going to our to the therapist. Offer family intervention, declined. Religious help, declined. Read books about us, declined. Talk about us, declined. Her therapist told her that we should do a trial separation. As soon as mentioned it, I pushed for it, but she really didn't want it. After she finally left, I filed for divorce. However, with one caveat, I sent her a letter stating my reasons. She had a chance for reconciliation, but she never replied to my message. She never saw it coming. I do recall, on one of the VARs, she expected me to come crawling back and plead for her love; similar to her 1st husband. I do not crawl or beg any person. Marriage or relationships shouldn't be about power. Love equally and fairly.

I refuse to stay in a one sided, one love, no sex marriage where my spouse and her parents were against me. Which, I find it real funny, as when all of them were in need of help over the last few years, who helped them? Me. Disgusting. No honor amongst thieves I guess. I do not know if I can trust like that again. I went through pretty low moments. I will never marry again. I will, however, consider family and a domestic partnership.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

oldshirt said:


> When you realize that you will be better off on your own, in your own home with your kids part time rather than being under the same roof full time.




And better FOR your kids. 


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I could never have left my children unless it was because of serious abuse or adultery. If it was serious abuse I would have taken them with me. For their sake please work on your marriage, get some good counselling, read helpful books, do all you can to improve things. I have seen so many children completely devastated when one parent left. In the end, do you put them first or yourself?


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## Overwhelmed in NE (Sep 20, 2013)

I have come to my decision finally because my kids are no longer happy. He is miserable and taking it out on them. My kids have asked for a new dad or for us to leave. He sets the tone for our home, and its not a good one. I feel like the kids and I are drowning, and its him that is dragging us down. We tried MC and he quit within a few months...he knew I wasn't happy and he made his choice in my mind. I have stayed for the kids, probably longer than I should have. The pros no longer seem to outweigh the cons, divorce will make my life harder in managing the kids and work. But we have a chance to try to be happy. Hopefully when he has the kids he will do fun things with them and that will replace their current memories.


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## travelking (Jun 4, 2014)

This is the worst place to be. I'm there now my wife is making it her mission to be a side chick to a married man wanting to leave her family to be with a man that is not leaving his wife. It truly hurts and for me I've experienced every emotion you can imagine (just read my posts). My motivation to reconcile is 95% my kids since I don't want to put them thru this and enjoy putting them to bed every night. But at some point you must find your own happiness. I'm still on the fence as I write this. No easy answer to this


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