# Complicated problem, what to do...



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Me and my H had an argument about our sex life the other day and I can't work out what to do. There are a few threads entwined in this which makes it a bit complicated.

OK. It started with quality time. QT is my primary love language and we often argue about it as he can be reluctant to dedicate exclusive time to us. He gets it but doesn't always put it into practice.

I see sex as quality time, if you like! Think we should dedicate time to it. This leads onto a real bugbear of mine... his late nights.

I have posted about this before. Briefly, he stays up really late. Atm on a usual night he'll get to bed around 1am. I would much like him to come to bed earlier some of the time so we can have some time together in bed. I have taken to waiting up with him until he comes to bed but what is happening now is I am falling asleep on the sofa, he eventually gets up and goes to bed and I am left waking up in the middle of the night on the sofa! This arrangement obviously isn't working so I am now just going to bed when I am tired.

We are now having sex less and less, a lot because of this. Not to the point that it is untenable, but we have gone from just about every night to 1-2 times a week over the last couple of months.

Also around the time it started waning, or a little before, he said we didn't *need* to have sex every night. I was completely taken aback as I thought we were on the same page with it. I considered it a real bonding experience after his EA a few months ago. The frequency hadn't changed at any point really since we first got together which is why it got me.

When I commented about how his investment in our relationship seemed to have gone downhill recently, and that he'd been really good during our MC sessions a short while ago, and that I felt that I was the one making all the effort, he started saying what about me? How I used to wear sexy lingerie nearly every day and now I never bother.

I pointed out that what on earth was the point of me wearing sexy lingerie as he never came to bed with me to see me wear it! He conceded that yes, he could see my point. Hell I could come downstairs in the evening all dolled up and that *still* wouldn't persuade him to come to bed with me anyway!

Have no idea what to do. The quality time thing is always the same: if I make the effort he might join in. Not guaranteed. He uses it as a bartering tool: if he has big plans of going out that, say, leave me handling all the kids on my own, he'll promise me quality time. Or when I get to the point where I'm fed up of him avoiding quality time, he'll promise it to appease me.

The getting-him-to-come-to-bed-earlier...? I simply *cannot* persuade him. I could promise him all of the good stuff he might ever want: nope, still not happening! I said I didn't expect it every night but maybe twice a week. His excuse covers the quality time bit too: after a hard day at work, he wants to unwind. He's a loner and often just wants his own company. He wants to wind down. He's not a people person on the whole. 

It's all mixed up together and I'm not sure what to do to make it better. I'm worried because we often seem like two ships that pas in the night. He gets sick of me talking about quality time. I feel hurt and deprioritized and wonder what he's actually bringing to the table. I hate to say it but I want more than he is giving me.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

walkingwounded said:


> Me and my H had an argument about our sex life the other day and I can't work out what to do. There are a few threads entwined in this which makes it a bit complicated.
> 
> OK. It started with quality time. QT is my primary love language and we often argue about it as he can be reluctant to dedicate exclusive time to us. He gets it but doesn't always put it into practice.
> 
> ...


Is he really not a people person? When it comes time to hanging with the buddies, it sounds like he's all in.
Someone did ask you before if he really wants to be married. He seema like family is something he suffers through to get to the fun stuff.
I think you excuse a lot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Perhaps go to bed and let him wake you up when he comes to bed?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

He sounds so hurtful in so many ways. He doesn't say it but his actions shows how he is number 1. Why couldn't he go to bed with you and after you fall asleep get up and do his thing. At least half the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I can see what he means about being quite solitary. But conversely he does like to hang out with his good friend. He says he does like my company despite what I think?

I have been amenable to him waking me when he comes to bed. In fact I welcomed it. But our youngest is not sleeping well atm and we both have broken sleep most nights. I am more and more tired and it not working for us as often the youngest wakes before he gets to bed so we don't get that time anyway.

He suggested we could have some time before I get tired. I have tried this though but we both feel uncomfortable as with the littlest getting up at night often means a little face appearing round the door whilst we're still up.

I know I push it more when I feel him resisting which doesn't help either way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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