# How girlfriend deals with ex husband



## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

Her ex husband has been very rude to me and she hasn't said anything to him. I feel that if he is rude to me then she should defend me.
If my ex-wife was rude to her, I would be pissed off and be rude to her and protect her.
What am I missing??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

It's not her job to protect you.

An Overview of the Drama Triangle


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

She also may be watching you, to see how you handle yourself.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18347-fitness-tests.html


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## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

She knows that I feel it's disrespectful not to insist that he be polite OR she should not treat him with respect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Tolerating rudeness from her ex is *your* problem, not her's.

Take it up with her ex. You will_* earn*_ her respect.

Expect her to come to your rescue, and you will *lose* her respect.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

To be fair, he is in a tricky situation. I'm assuming there are children involved or the ex would be a non issue. Can you give examples, details of what is happening? It would help in giving you advice. It may not be so simple but more of a complex problem that the 2 of you need to discuss and come up with a plan to handle together. You don't want to escalate problems and add drama. That said, neither of you should allow disrepect in this situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

Yes, they have a child. He is a cop,, and VERY manipulative if her. She stayed home for 10 years. He makes good money,, she now makes 12$ per hour and he made her sign a divorce with zero alimony,, he got the cars, house, 2 boats and retirements. She is very easy.
She has full custody, yet claims the kid on his taxes.
He always acts like I don't exist, so I sent him a text saying I thought we should have coffee and chat. He had the captain of his barracks send me a message that his phone is Police properly and to never contact him again. 
She did nothing about it and I find that very disrespectful
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

rep said:


> Yes, they have a child. He is a cop,, and VERY manipulative if her. She stayed home for 10 years. He makes good money,, she now makes 12$ per hour and he made her sign a divorce with zero alimony,, he got the cars, house, 2 boats and retirements. She is very easy.
> She has full custody, yet claims the kid on his taxes.
> He always acts like I don't exist, so I sent him a text saying I thought we should have coffee and chat. He had the captain of his barracks send me a message that his phone is Police properly and to never contact him again.
> She did nothing about it and I find that very disrespectful
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you're expecting too much, to be honest. He doesn't want to talk to you. Get over it. And their divorce agreement is between them. She's an adult and presumably had legal counsel before signing the papers. He got the best deal he could.

What was the story about their divorce? How long ago was it before you came into the picture? Are you living with her and their son right now? Many guys (and women) resent a new person stepping into their role.

C


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

What did you want to say to him? What did you want to accomplish? What does your gf say about the situation?
How long have they been divorced? Did she leave him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Seems to me that your gf is a doormat to a controlling, domineering ex hb. While that is between them you should probably consider whether this is something you want to deal with long term, because it's unlikely to change. Personally I wouldn't but that's me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

rep, you set the worth on your pricetag. You have two issues to handle. Don't tolerate him being rude to you and don't tolerate her being ok with it. That's probably what she wants you to do and it's probably why she doesn't want to do it for you. That would be emasculating. She likely wants a man who stands up for himself to her Ex, your Ex, to her, and to whoever else you need to.


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## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

We met after he left her. They were separated. I wanted to get along with him bc they do birthday parties together,, see each other at ball games and I didn't want the tension.
Now, I'm pissed,, so I expect that she defend just like I would her.
If my ex was rude to her,, I'd make my ex life miserable.
I find it "slap in the face"" for her to be nice to him when he is a jerk to me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Seems to me that your gf is a doormat to a controlling, domineering ex hb. While that is between them you should probably consider whether this is something you want to deal with long term, because it's unlikely to change. Personally I wouldn't but that's me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Likely true, however her ex will never be easy to deal with no matter what changes she may have made. Being a cop, having kids complicates things. If she is still not able to stand up to him and assert herself this may not be a relationship you want to pursue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

This may not be the woman for you. She is herself being treated with disrespect. Why you were trying to have a relationship with this guy is beyond me. I guess for the saek of her and the kid.

Yes they have a kid together but doing things together as a mini family would creep me out. YMMV.

It is easy for me to say but I think I would yell her what your boundaries are as it pertains to her EX. If your boundaries are crossed ... move on. This sounds like a long painful road you are on.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I assume this is a different woman :

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...683-jelous-when-she-goes-out.html#post1271587


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

She's never stood up to him before, so why are you suddenly expecting her to grow a spine and do it now just because your feelings are hurt by him not wanting to talk to you? It would be nice, but I don't think it's likely?

How long have they been separated? Divorced? What were the circumstances? And are you living with her and their son?

C


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## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

I'm not expecting miracles. When he calls her,, I don't think she should be so nice when he is so rude to me, again,, if my ex was rude to her,, I'd naturally be rude to my ex bc I'd be pissed.
Isn't that normal???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

rep said:


> We met after he left her. They were separated. I wanted to get along with him bc they do birthday parties together,, see each other at ball games and I didn't want the tension.
> Now, I'm pissed,, so I expect that she defend just like I would her.
> If my ex was rude to her,, I'd make my ex life miserable.
> *I find it "slap in the face"" for her to be nice to him when he is a jerk to me*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:
Your right to be angry at (or dissapointed in) her and angry at him rep. I would be too. She's got put her big girl pants on whether she's passive or not. You have to let her know this. I know things are complicated when kids are involved so and you have to choose the better way to deal with it but either you or her or both of you will have to shut down her Ex thinking he can get away with this.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

rep said:


> We met after he left her. They were separated. I wanted to get along with him bc they do birthday parties together,, see each other at ball games and I didn't want the tension.
> Now, I'm pissed,, so I expect that she defend just like I would her.
> If my ex was rude to her,, I'd make my ex life miserable.
> I find it "slap in the face"" for her to be nice to him when he is a jerk to me
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is a slap in the face. He is controlling, manipulative and disrespectful yet he left her? She continues to allow disrespect and is "nice" to him. She cant take care of or defend herself nevermind you.... She isnt emotionally strong or healthy enough and cannot be a good partner to you...or anyone else at this point.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> This may not be the woman for you. She is herself being treated with disrespect. *Why you were trying to have a relationship with this guy is beyond me. I guess for the saek of her and the kid.*
> 
> Yes they have a kid together but doing things together as a mini family would creep me out. YMMV.
> 
> It is easy for me to say but I think I would yell her what your boundaries are as it pertains to her EX. If your boundaries are crossed ... move on. This sounds like a long painful road you are on.


Kids and stepkids do throw new dynamics in there. I always got along with my Ex's husband because he treated my kids right and I was nice to my wife's Ex because I was his son's stepdad. Then again neither were condescending or disrespectful toward me and that's a good thing because I do not have a passive personality. It would have gotten very ugly very fast.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm sorry, but this is their dynamic. It's not likely to change. Either get over it, or draw a line in the stand about what you expect and stick to it. She's apparently used to a guy who is the dominant partner in the relationship, and with you sitting back and expecting her to defend you, she's deferring back to him as the dominant person. This may not be the relationship for you.

C

Edit to add... That's my amateur shrink take on it...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Thundarr said:


> Kids and stepkids do throw new dynamics in there. I always got along with my Ex's husband because he treated my kids right and I was nice to my wife's Ex because I was his son's stepdad. Then again neither were condescending or disrespectful toward me and that's a good thing because I do not have a passive personality. It would have gotten very ugly very fast.


Getting along is one thing. But indeed the picture this guy paints is more than this.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

rep said:


> Yes, they have a child. He is a cop,, and VERY manipulative if her. She stayed home for 10 years. He makes good money,, she now makes 12$ per hour and he made her sign a divorce with zero alimony,, he got the cars, house, 2 boats and retirements. She is very easy.
> She has full custody, yet claims the kid on his taxes.
> He always acts like I don't exist, so I sent him a text saying I thought we should have coffee and chat. He had the captain of his barracks send me a message that his phone is Police properly and to never contact him again.
> She did nothing about it and I find that very disrespectful
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So you want her to stand up to a man that in the past bullied her to such a point in the past that she gave up her settlement rights?

Grow up, get a pair and don't stand shaking behind a woman that already has been abused by this guy. 

And TBH if my partner sent my ex a text to have a coffee and a chat I would not be thrilled unless I had agreed to it upfront.
As for the ex saying that the phone is police property and not to contact him, well that is a perfectly reasonable response, he has no interest in coffee and chatting to you, why are you making this an issue between you and your GF?

Sorry but you sound way out of line and your expectations are not realistic.

SO and I have an agreement that we each discipline only our own children, so if mine were ever rude to him it would be my job to deal with it and visa versa. But we are adults, if his ex were rude to me I would deal with it and if my ex were rude to him then he is big enough to deal with it. Honestly if my partner came to me all sooky that my ex didn't want to have coffee and a chat with him then he would lose some respect from me.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Sounds like you are having some testicular problems.

Are you sure you aren't the rebound for this woman because she was with a hard-a$$ for so long she wanted to see if the grass was greener on the other side?

I imagine, especially if she's acting nice to him and he left her, that she's still attracted to him. It's going to be hard to make her attracted to you when you are asking her to save you from her ex.

Women who enjoy being dominated aren't going to stay engaged for long with a beta guy.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My ex h is/was very rude to my husband. I have nothing to say to my ex h, so i never did say anything of his horrid behavior. He was looking for a reaction. He acts worse then a little child.

My husband could care less what my ex h said. He knows my ex h is a jerk and is abusive. Plus he can stand up for himself.

Thank goodness our daughter from my ex h together is grown, i don't need to hear how worthless I am or what a bad psycho ***** I am or every other negative name calling. It's nice to have him out of my life for good!


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

rep said:


> I'm not expecting miracles. When he calls her,, I don't think she should be so nice when he is so rude to me, again,, if my ex was rude to her,, I'd naturally be rude to my ex bc I'd be pissed.
> Isn't that normal???
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Perhaps she is "nice" to him because he is the father of her children and she is attempting to keep her life relatively calm by not creating drama. I'm sure that she, of all people, knows what sort of man he is. She appears to be opting for peace in her life, or as much of it as she has control over.

But you see, you are not part of that particular family dynamic. You are an outsider as far as their "relationship" is, just as he is not part of your relationship with her, and THAT is the way it should stay. There is no reason for you to expect to have a friendly relationship with her ex, however I would agree that there is a certain amount of mutual respect that should be acknowledged.

The thing to consider is whether creating more drama (calling out her ex for his rude behavior) is worth the fight. What could possibly be the outcome? Will he suddenly be nice to you, or will a confrontation about his behavior make things worse for all concerned? You see, it appears that she finally has a relatively calm life with you and her children, and she does not wish to pick a fight with the father of her children.

What will "rudeness" get you (or her)? Have you considered the result if she (or you) where to address this with him? Will it make things better, or worse? Before you (or her) do or say anything, always consider the end result you want versus the end result you might end up with.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> Perhaps she is "nice" to him because he is the father of her children and she is attempting to keep her life relatively calm by not creating drama. I'm sure that she, of all people, knows what sort of man he is. She appears to be opting for peace in her life, or as much of it as she has control over.


I am with other posters, I would not expect her dynamic with her former husband to change. She has been conditioned to act a certain way with him and that will most likely not change. You have an unrealistic expectation of her. Until she decides that she wants to change, it will not happen.

The guy is a cop with a big head, good luck deflating that.



survivorwife said:


> What will "rudeness" get you (or her)? Have you considered the result if she (or you) where to address this with him? Will it make things better, or worse? Before you (or her) do or say anything, always consider the end result you want versus the end result you might end up with.


Two wrongs don't make a right.

Keep something else in your mind, she was married to an LEO. They tend to be a close knit group and will cover each others back. This guy may be rude and sometimes cross the border between good and bad. Who are you going to call to help you out if there is a problem with him? I am not saying it is right, but other LEO's will be hesitant to interviene unless there is a life threatening situation. 

My read on this: Is this relationship worth the battles you are going to have to deal with? I suspect that no matter how wonderful she is, there is a lot of baggage you are going to have to handle. Being on the bad side of those enforcing the law can be difficult. 

There are lots of available women in the world with a lot less drama and baggage. You do not have to be the knight in shining armor. I would have to say thanks, but no thanks.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

As a BS to a walk away cheating wife, i have more than my share of anger. My X, knowing she has wronged me in so many ways, knows to some extent how angry i am about the whole situation and moreover how she and her mother handled it. 

I frankly dont know how i will handle her new man when she has one. I would like to think i can be civil, he maybe had nothing to do with it, but im not sure i will be . She seems now to shy away from any and all confrontation with me, because she just doenst want to engage in the discussion because she knows how wrong she was. So, I can see her shying away from confrontation in the future too if I were to attack her new man...she doesnt have a leg to stand on .....so like she has done so far, she just walks away. I think I would engage the guy because she nor anyone from her family have engaged me, so do you represent someone who actually listens?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Just ignore the guy and stop getting so bent out of shape about what some guy you hardly know said to you or didn't say to you.

Seriously you've got more important things to be concerned with.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

*Re: Re: How girlfriend deals with ex husband*



Garry2012 said:


> As a BS to a walk away cheating wife, i have more than my share of anger. My X, knowing she has wronged me in so many ways, knows to some extent how angry i am about the whole situation and moreover how she and her mother handled it.
> 
> I frankly dont know how i will handle her new man when she has one. I would like to think i can be civil, he maybe had nothing to do with it, but im not sure i will be . She seems now to shy away from any and all confrontation with me, because she just doenst want to engage in the discussion because she knows how wrong she was. So, I can see her shying away from confrontation in the future too if I were to attack her new man...she doesnt have a leg to stand on .....so like she has done so far, she just walks away. I think I would engage the guy because she nor anyone from her family have engaged me, so do you represent someone who actually listens?


Do you have kids with your ex?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

rep said:


> Yes, they have a child. He is a cop,, and VERY manipulative if her. She stayed home for 10 years. He makes good money,, she now makes 12$ per hour and he made her sign a divorce with zero alimony,, he got the cars, house, 2 boats and retirements. She is very easy.


She’s playing the act of a victim. Why do I say this? Because he cannot MAKE her sign anything. She signed it willingly and then is now blaming him.

Some day she will be saying similar things about you if you stick around. This is her act. She a person who makes herself a victim. 





rep said:


> She has full custody, yet claims the kid on his taxes.


Does he pay child support? Did she sign anything giving him the right to claim them every year on his taxes?




rep said:


> He always acts like I don't exist, so I sent him a text saying I thought we should have coffee and chat. He had the captain of his barracks send me a message that his phone is Police properly and to never contact him again.


I don’t get this. Do you want him to be your good buddy? He has no reason to acknowledge your existence. You are the boyfriend. Boyfriends come and go. Even if you marry her, he still does not have to acknowledge you.

It might be nice if he was at least respectful but he does not have to.



rep said:


> She did nothing about it and I find that very disrespectful


What do you expect her to do? You are a man. It’s your job to defend yourself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

rep said:


> We met after he left her. They were separated. I wanted to get along with him bc they do birthday parties together,, see each other at ball games and I didn't want the tension.
> Now, I'm pissed,, so I expect that she defend just like I would her.
> If my ex was rude to her,, I'd make my ex life miserable.
> I find it "slap in the face"" for her to be nice to him when he is a jerk to me


Had the divorce been filed yet when you met her?


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