# Looking for opinions



## Mocha Love (Aug 23, 2017)

Hope this finds you well. So I'm the newbie, and here is the situation: 57 yrs young (think positively) , wife 53. If we make it to 9/19/17 it will be 25 years. Four kids, all girls, 23, 20 , 17, and 14. Major MAJOR drama with #3 (the 17 year old) but that is now mostly behind us (Thank God !!). On the surface we should be looking way better than where we are; meaning, no affairs, no addictions, no financial strain, health basically good (I say it that way because the lovely wife did have thyroid/hormone issues, but even those are better now ---- and I'm healthy as can be). We get along ok, agree on most of the kid stuff, but .....she is done. SO done. Meaning, she really wants to be alone . She's worn out, burnt out, and because of all the drama for the better part of 10 years with a kid that was out of control (we finally had to resort to a therapeutic boarding school out of state due to her behavior as she became a danger to herself and others), it all has just blown her up. We have had no sex for 3 years (forget sex, how about some random dates ?!?) She let all her friendships go, no women's bible study, church is gone...... nothing for recreation, all she has wanted to do is stay boarded up in the house and really just stay isolated, watch TV or the computer, and that's that. The 2 girls that are still home have just learned to live with it as have I ---------to an extent. If you were to ask her why has she done this she would tell you: because of some of the actions of the daughter (a couple were pretty public), she feels she will forever be judged and looked down upon by the other moms in the rich and beautiful neighborhood we live in, so she doesn't want to go out. Also, when she went thru the menopause /thyroid/hormone issues, she gained weight, so she would also say she is now the ugliest woman south of the Mason Dixon line . It's not true , and she HAS lost some of it, but it doesn't matter in her mind.

Bottom line, she won't go to counseling, she won't let me send her somewhere for an extended vacation (she says we can't afford it , which is bulls*#t), so it's like she CHOOSES to keep herself in a box. l will tell you , she HAS gotten better physically and does seem less depressed, but the elephant in the room still is very much there , which is , from a relational point of view, she just doesn't seem interested . 

I have hung in because I take marriage vows seriously, I DON'T want to put my younger kids thru a divorce, and I stay busy with a demanding career, exercise , friends, etc. But at the end of the day, I don't think this situation is sustainable. I don't want to sound tacky, but I feel like my best years are in front of me, I've got my health, my looks, good career .... the works, and no one to share it with. SO, I am looking for opinions , thoughts, or whatever , and I thank you reading the story.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

I think you need to consult a professional about this. I think this is beyond what the love and encouragement of a husband can fix.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Would it help her embarrassment if you moved to another area?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She won't go to counseling. She won't let you or anyone else help her.

She simply has given up.

Two suggestions:

1) Move to another town whereby no one knows you, your problem children. You can start anew, with new friends.

2) Do tough love with her. Tell her that you need intimacy, that you are not going to live the next 25-30 years without love, affection. Without doing fun things together as a couple.
Tell her she either gets help, fixes her problems or you are going to file for divorce. And do not back down. 

I suspect, initially, that she will call your bluff, tell you: "Go ahead and leave, see if I care". "All you care about is your ****. Go ahead and find some ***** to screw".

After doing the "180" on her, she will start to engage you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Have you actually sat her down and spoken to her about your dreams for the future? You know when the kids are gone, you can start anew, maybe consider moving, consider MC, something to get her to have hope.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Go find a girlfriend or divorce. That's you're only two options for having a companionship with passion and intimacy. She won't change.

Divorce is scary but sooooooooo worth it! Even if you find a crazy one (like I did), it still beats looking at porn and praying she'd die in a car accident or have a heart attack. Yeah, I used to pray that about my ex wife. Don't have a wife now and don't believe in God. Amazing how you can change in a quick amount of time when you get fed up.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

It sounds like you're dealing with psychological trauma. It will be tough to fix on your own and it's unlikely to just fix itself. Think of her as a vet dealing with PTSD. You can't just tell her "Snap out of it!". This will be a process and professionals will need to get involved.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Is it really aloneness and recuperation she wants or does she want to seek other relationships?

If not the latter, then there is some hope and maybe a separation might do some good.
Or even better yet, why not send her somewhere for extended r/r, like in the woods or somewhere.

The problem is, often when people say this, they mean the want to be 'free' and date other people.

If this is the case, there is probably not much you can do.
Does she still love you?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'm not a huge fan of ultimatums, but if there was ever a time for one to be issued, insofar as psychological counseling is concerned, now is definitely the time!*


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

I imagine she feels she's failed as a mother. Some weight gain may have been eating her way to happiness. Being judged is likely reality - I know how those nice neighborhoods and moms often are. How sad for her. And how sad for you that she can't see what a great husband she has.

I agree, a move would be good. That's what they advise addicts to do and it helps to get them out of their surroundings, out of their ruts.

Something my therapist keeps telling me is just to listen (to my child.) Don't try to fix it. Just listen so her feelings can be heard. What is she feeling? She knows you can't fix it so don't try.

She does need professional counseling.

Despite our best efforts, our kids don't always respond the way we expect. We can't take all the credit and we can't take all the blame. Being a mom is the toughest thing. If there's a support group for xyz, it'd probably help to learn she's not alone. She did the best she could.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If you look at all the probable outcomes from the different options you have at this point, cutting your losses now provides the best hope. In most cases you'll see no (or only temporary) change in her no matter how many things you try. The one possible exception being that you make it a deal breaker and announce your departure before you're so fed up that you'll go at any cost. 

If you try all the standard advice; each time something new fails to work you'll grow more resentful. So when it's finally a deal breaker you'll walk no matter what. If you walk now, she may try to change while you are still willing to give her a chance.


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