# The Happiness that Fog Brings



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

GAHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

now that I got that out of my system.

its apparent that in addition to everything else that is difficult with the Fog mechanism, one of the things I find hardly bareable is the complete and utter lack of any PROBLEM with this whole mess according to her own actions and daily routine.

La, Ti, DAHHhh, as if things are so completely normal.
not one singular molecule of discomfort in her.
no step was missed, no stumble

Plans made for the next few months with her girlfriends. whoo hoo!!! Life will be good!

Its hard to deal with this.
Why is it that "I" am dealing with grief and turmoil and gutwrenching heartache??
She appears to have simply just awoke from a long nap, refreshed!!

I know what this is, and I know her time will come.
I was just getting this out there so OTHERS will know they arent alone.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Vent mate, vent.
And OH YES, her time will come.
By the time she realises, you will be stronger, independent and wiser.
She will still be the fool.

Take care


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

shake it off, she's "high" dude. 

she will crash. 

this can not and will not be sustained. 

doesn't work that way. these are laws of nature. 

What goes up, comes down.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

GAHHHHHHhhhh!!!

me too man.

That's fine that it won't last, and she'll crash and be the fool while I still have my values. But how is that a win for me again? I lose my wife, my family is split up forever, I am reduced to a distraught and lonely mess and will never ever be able to completely trust my lover ever again. I am not vindicative nor do I want to be, I just want this all to stop because it feels like I'll be stuck repairing the damage no matter what and the longer this goes on the more damage it will do. I don't want to see her ruin her life, even if I have already decided not to be a part of it any longer.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

And you are free to vent Lon. We all want our pain to stop, each of us. There are no winners in this situation. Trust that you CAN move from a distraught and lonely mess into a strong and independent person. The longer it goes on, the more you will have dealt with. You WILL get through this, Lon.

Best wishes mate

N-B


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Argh its getting messy right now... I told her family my side of things and they have been confronting(?) her about it, she is getting livid with me for making her life a "disaster" and she is threatening to withold her family from me. I had just told her any problems with her and her family are between them, I told her they are my family too and will take some time to detach from that. She asked me to drop my son off at her parents and pick him up before bed since her brother is in town, but I want to have a quick visit with him too, even if its to say my last goodbyes (which it probably won't be). Said I can go if I don't talk about her, I said I'd respect that, no reason I can't show them our text conversation though (not sure if thats useful yet). Gah.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

YES LON, get rid of this idea that you are going to be something less, because your WIFE screwed up. 
Thats giving her wayyyy too much power over who and what you are. Of course there will be emotional pain and hurting. You still seem to respect her as a grown woman adult capable of making her own decisions, so what part was yours in that again?


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

That exactly how my wife acts. She wonders why I get pissed at the very thought of her talking with her g/fs about going out to a club or something for "girls night". She just acts as if nothing happened and that there isn't a care in the world.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> You still seem to respect her as a grown woman adult capable of making her own decisions, so what part was yours in that again?


Not sure I follow the question... the "what part was yours in that" part. You mean I need to let her deal with the consequences of her actions by herself?

I'm trying to be respectful but I realize she is not a grown woman (emotionally or intellectually) and is capable of making her own decisions (just most are the wrong ones at least for the past several months)

Anyway the damage is done already, I'm just trying to get in all the casualty reports.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

I know how you feel. In this situation nothing makes you crazier than listening to her sitting there giggling non-stop at a TV show while you are in the corner feeling like you are dying.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

How do these people go on through life thinking its just dandy to inflict so much heartache on the person they once considered their "everything." I'm at a loss. I guess I should be relieved with my situation... huh...


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Forsaken said:


> That exactly how my wife acts. She wonders why I get pissed at the very thought of her talking with her g/fs about going out to a club or something for "girls night". She just acts as if nothing happened and that there isn't a care in the world.


Supression, Minimizing, Denial and Blame Shifting. All the favorite defense mechinisms of a person coping with an inability to take responsibilty for their actions. 

Also a good checklist/road map for your probabilty of recovery of the marriage. Are they there? then your marriage is not.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

If I was in that situation I would just get angrier and angrier to the point of utter hostility toward my wife. Ugh.

Now, mine has been doing that, but we are in R, and healing together, so it's okay. But if it's over, or if the WW is still with the OM, I would be openly hostile if this was happening, and making sure she wasn't having such an awesome time. 

I mean, you know what her "buttons" are, right? Push them.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> How do these people go on through life thinking its just dandy to inflict so much heartache on the person they once considered their "everything." I'm at a loss. I guess I should be relieved with my situation... huh...


it's mind boggling huh?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Supression, Minimizing, Denial and Blame Shifting. All the favorite defense mechinisms of a person coping with an inability to take responsibilty for their actions.
> 
> Also a good checklist/road map for your probabilty of recovery of the marriage. Are they there? then your marriage is not.


my exH's OW wrote me an email last night and all the above (Supression, Minimizing, Denial and Blame Shifting) was in that email and directed right at me. She blamed me for her problems.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Gabriel said:


> I mean, you know what her "buttons" are, right? Push them.


That plays right into the game. You make yourself the bad guy, you give them fog fuel. No can do, don't play that part. 

You want effective? PLANT SEEDS. Plant seeds of doubt, seeds of jealousy, seeds of insecurity, lots and lots of seeds... But do it calmly, ... dig a little hole, drop in a seed.... walk away. You wont see them growing, but in the ripe, fertile soil of a person in a moral sh*t storm... they will grow. lol.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> That plays right into the game. You make yourself the bad guy, you give them fog fuel. No can do, don't play that part.


Yeah that's how I see it, one main reason for doing the 180 is to not play along with their game. I'm not even going to plant seeds, she did that too herself, the only thing I'm going to do is become the strong confident person I want to be (which also happens to be the one she wanted but wasn't willing to stick around for).


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

Give me some ideas of seeds to plant
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

My advice of pushing the buttons is for people whose marriages are a lost cause, and you are just dealing with separating or just about at that point. If there is still hope, and this is going on, its time for a HARD 180! But if you are already in that "it's over, but we have to cohabitate" stage, like Shooboo is, then go ahead and push those buttons. Share the hell, brother.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Lon said:


> Not sure I follow the question... the "what part was yours in that" part. You mean I need to let her deal with the consequences of her actions by herself?
> 
> --- Yep! But of course i realize it has its effects on us too, with as much as weve devoted to it over the years.
> 
> I am in the its over with phase, but really it wasnt my choice until i found out thats what she wanted... Gee, im still so accomodating!


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## Alex2400 (Jun 11, 2011)

I know how you feel exactly word for word what your saying im going through this myself and it only happened about a month ago and it's still so fresh that it kills you inside. 
The way im thinking now it's starting to get better for me, easier what you need is to be is grounded at this point don't let her emotions tangle you up, you see at the moment look at her floating in the air like a plastic bag she spinning all over the place, if you get caught up in her sh!t your going to be floating with her and this does you no good, for you or your children. 

Ok so what you need to do now is to take a deep breath and observe your surroundings, look at her as if she has a circle of emotional bullsh!t around her when your in that circle you cant think clear, your off with the fairies in other words this is a mind [email protected] I found this hard to do but what you begin to realize all the crap that surrounds her, the selfish things she's done what happened to lead up to this point in other words you start to see through her. This is where it gets interesting because this will be the start of your 180 not FOR HER but for you.

I will tell you one thing don’t be spiteful don’t be aggressive toward her this will only justify her reasons a lot more for leaving and doing what she's doing. Remember stay firm you need to start looking from a different angle, Mate I know how this feels and it bloody hurts, the questions I ask myself over and over was "how could she do this to me, I thought I meant more, we have children together, she is breaking our family apart, I know what I can do to make this family good again, do I want a divorce now, don't I" This is all natural thoughts that go over and over in your head. 

I believe what you need to do is be switched on don’t let her take control at moment she's on cloud nine but always remember this ‘what goes up, must come down’ and when that time comes who will be the one grounded staring at her when she falls, “you” and when that happens your going to be in a mentally sound state of calm and when she sees your the strong one who has direction only then she will realize the mistakes.

The thing you need to realize, nothing you do or say will change that frame of mind of hers, she isn’t going to listen to a word you have to say you’re the last person she will take advice from eg I tell a child don’t take the cookie from the jar that’s right in front of you and leave the room what’s most likely to happen the child will take a cookie because you said to them not to. Think of this what ever you say she will have a mentality of “screw him, I’ll do what I want”
It’s good mate remember you need to be the positive one here don’t get swept up with all the BS and don’t give her the satisfaction and reason for doing what she’s doing, you cant keep thinking the way you are. I will give some advice join the gym get pumped, go nuts release that aggression not only will you physically see changes in yourself you will feel better about yourself to.

Hang in there!!!


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## Alex2400 (Jun 11, 2011)

Oh another thing I'm not sure what kind of music you like and maybe this isn't your cup of tea but for some reason I relate to a lot of these songs and I just feel like this guy knows exactly what I'm going through, it's weird. Youtube a song 'The Perishers - My heart' this is only one of the songs and they have 2 albums which I can really relate to called 'Let there be morning & Victorious' there great albums.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I dont know what I would do without being able to just unload some of these thoughts in my head. I dont know how I can express in an adequate manner the appreciation I have for the responses.
My wife insists that she is not talking to "the OM" anymore, but that now the problem is mine because I will not believe her. I realize that it doesnt matter much at this point in the game, but when I see her take her phone outside and have those private conversations, whether shes talking to another man, or just a girlfriend, the sinking feeling still occurs. It triggers me something fierce, and Im right back at square one. 
Yesterday evening I thought I was at a better point. Coping with the idea of the divorce, past the sadness (somewhat), and starting to look forward to moving on with my own life, but then something triggers. 
It wouldnt be so bad if I wasnt stuck here in this house and having to live with her. The good side is that I get to be with my kid fulltime, but still, watching my stbxw flutter thru life like without the slightest discomfort about any of this, really makes me question myself. Well, maybe there IS something about me I am not recognizing that has contributed to this. Aside from her affair.
Without even a place to move to yet, nor financing established for it, I packed my first box last night. Its not the easiest thing to do, but its necessary. 
I think I am on my own rollercoaster, and just having a hard time to keep it together.
Listening to a lot of Eddie Vedder's Ukelele songs, mixed with a few Alice N Chains. I going to go check out your youtube recommendation.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

@Shooboo - I think she's pulling a FOG 180 on you. A lot of DS seem to pull off some kind of 180 when they are going to D. I don't know if its because they are trying to convince themselves that they will be fine after it's all said and done and that they feel they have done nothing wrong. Or maybe they know they have made terrible choices and are just trying to hide from their guilt and the pain they have caused. 360 FOG?

Go check out Eminems song "25 to Life", that might make you feel better. Also keep rockin the Alice in Chains, I love the unplugged video/album.


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## Alex2400 (Jun 11, 2011)

@Forsaken, I to have hit up all the eminem albums as well during my time the song that let me vent some anger was 'KIM' this one relates to a stage I was feeling.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

1st off, a song suggestion of my own. YouTube - ‪Peter Bjorn And John - It Don't Move Me‬‏ The lyrics say a lot. Their song second chance is also good.

On the wife front, I agree with much that has been said here. Be calm, even tempered and always in control around her. Also, be aloof and do not give any more info than you have to. 

She has known you for a while and is secure in her idea of what you will do in situations. You need to unbalance her. When you are a mystery and she can no longer predict where you will go, will realize how far out in the field she is. Then she will have to decide if she can find her way back or find a new field to plow.

Q~


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I wake up to this one..

YouTube - ‪You **** Me To Tears‬‏

I am the point where if I even think of my Ex in any way other than a person I casually know. I physically gag and a real shudder runs down my spine.

She keeps trying to be friends. Replay the song above until I get over the gaul of it.

I am aiming for indifference ..


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