# Any good advice for a husband who won't let go of the past? t



## alone/7 (Feb 11, 2012)

I feel this is going to be long, but I do hope someone can give me some advice. I met my husband through a friendship Pen/Pal club. We wrote for a year, we both fell in love with each other through our letters which got pretty long, talking about everything and being honest.He even told me about his high school sweetheart/ x-fiance, that they both decided to break it off, because with going to College and all , it would have been to hard on their relationship. This was like 6-7 years before I met him through this penpal club. He said he wanted to find someone special again. and I was the one that filled that spot. He said I was his everything now and I was the one that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He even stated in his letters that it was like his high school sweetheart never exsisted and even tho you never forget your first love, that it was like I was his first love. I came to Texas to meet him and we decided to get married. We now have been married going on 30 yrs. this October and have three children, but we have been through a great sorrow. I did have a miscarriage inbetween our oldest son and our twin boys, but the most sorrowful time was when we lost one of our other twin boy's when they were about 4mos. old. It has been 18 yrs. since then and we were also blessed with a beautiful girl after them that is 16 now. My husband wanted to commit suicide when our little twin boy died, leaving me to greive alone and worry that I might loose my husband also ,while trying to stay strong for my other chirldren. It has hard, but God has been there to pull us through, but to this day, my husband has a hard time to totally let go. I say our marriage is good, but talking seriouslly about our true feelings to eachother is something we can;t seem to do, or he dose'nt want to and sometimes I feel so lonely inside, I just want him to talk to me and if I try, he starts raising his voice other then that, he jokes around with me and buries his stress in the t.v., or sex. I know he is unhappy and if I could bring back his little son, I would, just to make him totally happy again.The reason why I 'am writting this is, back in 2008, I found out, by myself that he was trying to get in touch with his high school sweetheart on classmates .com, but she would never reply back untill 2 weeks ago, when I found a letter from her in the mailbox. My husband usually gets it, but this day I decided to check it. My heart just dropped and I just had to read it and then put it back in the mailbox, cause I don't want him to know , that I know, just yet. I serched to see where he put it and then I found another one with it , hidden in his work truck. I did also find a e-mail he sent out to her this past Dec. saying he was going to write her a letter ,about what has been going on and that he wonders how many kids they would of had. Ha!, he say's he only thinks about her when I bring her up. appairently he is doing this all on his own and lying. Sooo, I guess they have been recently secretly writting to eachother since January of this year. I'am hoping and praying that they just want to catch up on how their lives went and that he just wants to ask for forgivness, because the real story was, he broke it off and she never did nothing wrong, except fall in love with him and for that, he is truly sorry. But in his classmates profile story that I read, He said she was his greatess loss, among loosing his son and if he could of fortold the future, he would of done things differently. I ask myself, would they of had , still included me?. He has given me all I could ever want and tells me he loves me, but I got choked up when one of her letters said that she was sad that he was unhappy. I hope it is only over our son and not me. I would hate to loose him. I guess he also ask her if they could meet, because she said it would'nt be a good time because she is not that pretty girl she use to be and dose'nt like the way she looks now, even tho she is not a wrinlked old hag either. Her first marriage lasted 7 yrs and then she got married again going on 27 yrs, with children from both. She said she has'nt told her husband that they are corrensponding with eachother, cause she dose'nt know how he would react. She has some nice talk like, I always prayed for you to find the right person, if not me and some good advice for my husband, like, you wo'nt know how your wife feels unless you talk to her or that we should watch the movie" Fireproof' togehter. done that in the past, nothing came out of it.but the part I don't like about her, is when she tells him how excited she gets when she receives a letter from him and loves to read it, like she was in high school again, or that he can write to her anytime he wants to and don't stop, because they lift her up.Her last letter stated that she wanted to give him her cell# later on, so they can talk that way and that she always woundered where he was and said for some reason, she feels they will meet again , a day God has already ordained. I don't know if all of this is going to help or hinder our marriage. It sounds like he his running to her now that he found her again and telling her his troubles when I sit feeling alone while he watches t.v. . I kind of hint like I know something, but he plays the dumb game. One night I was crying in the kitchen and he asked me wants wrong but I could'nt come to tell him , for fear he will get mad for getting into his business and leave me. He gets that way.Lately he has been telling me he loves me, either he is feeling guilty, or he wants to make it look like nothing is going on.If they start talking on the phone, I won't know what they are saying.My stomach has been in knots. Maybe I have nothing to worry about and it's all in friendship, I hope. She is 55 disabled with some neck problems and is in somewhat constant pain with fribromialgia and she has a psyclogist/therapist. Her husband is 72 paralized in a wheel chair from the waist down and she said she has to take care of him and he is so weak and in pain. Makes me think if he ever passed away, she would run to my husband, her first love, even more, ha!. I just don't know why he had to start looking her up in the frist place after 26 yrs. of our marriage. He's 58 and I'm 51 and we're still going strong, if you know what I mean. I do love him and why can't he just come out to tell me he wanted to look up her just to see how her life went. I'm more madder that he is keeping it from me. I would ask him to try and go to marriage counseling with me so maybe we can get it all out, but he would probably just get mad. What should I do about all of this? and as his wife, do I have the right to look into his personable business?.when he thinks other wise.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

First of all I'm very sorry for the loss of your little boy so many years ago. It must have been a difficult time for you both.

It seems like he is trying to rekindle some form of his past - midlife crisis one might say. He is getting older and thinking about the what ifs. At this stage is seems platonic, but I wouldn't let it go any further. They are both romancising what could have been because they have nothing to base it on but fantasy.

I would absolutely talk to your husband about this. He needs to be open and honest with you and not be hiding his communication with another woman. Tell him you saw the letters. Don't ban him from speaking to her, you understand she is a blast from the past and it would be good to catch up, but no secrecy. If he wants to meet up with her, you go with him. 

It is the beginning of an emotional affair that could lead to something else so this is the point where you want to bring it out into the open and not let it go any further.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

She seems to have a lot more problems than your H. Dont let it ruin your marriage. He is unlikely to go to her. What you should do.
You just have to be a lot better to your H. You cant really blame him. It seems he finds it 'easier' with her. You just have to make things 'easier' between you as well. Argue less agree more etc.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

She seems to have a lot more problems than your H. Dont let it ruin your marriage. He is unlikely to go to her. What you should do.
You just have to be a lot better to your H. You cant really blame him. It seems he finds it 'easier' with her. You just have to make things 'easier' between you as well. Argue less agree more etc.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Your husband is having an emotional affair. You are in very serious waters here.

F-102 posted an excellent summary about how these re-connecting with old flame affairs usually go:


Quote:
Originally Posted by F-102 
It may have gone something like this:

They first start catching up, and it's all "How you been doing? What have you been up to?"

Then it would have morphed into talk about:

What they've been doing since they parted
Their significant others since they parted
Their families
Their favorite music, movies, etc.
Their spouses
You
Your job
How your job keeps you away
How lonely she gets when you're away
How she looks forward to their conversations all the time now
How she loves talking to him
How she gets "bored" talking to you
How you don't always listen
How you're not "perfect"
How you can be so insensitive sometimes
How she wonders if she would have stayed with him
How he understands her
How he knows how to make her feel good
How you fail at this
How you are such an a**hole
How she feels young again
How she hasn't felt this happy with you in so long
How he's a better man than you'll ever be
How she wants to see him again
How they can meet under the radar
How she's thought of leaving you
How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you
How he's her soul mate
How she made a big mistake leaving him
How she made an even bigger mistake marrying you
How they were meant to be together...

...get the picture?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Emotional Affair Signs Checklist
•The ‘cheater’ keeps their ‘friendship’ secret from their partner.
•They therefore don’t share or talk about calls, texts, etc. that they receive from their friend, with their partners.
•They do all they can to hide those calls and text messages.
•When confronted by a partner, they deny any wrongdoing and may accuse their partner of being silly, of looking for something that doesn’t exist.
•They can even become aggressive when being quizzed about their friendship.
•Their responses are often centered around things like “he’s/she’s just a friend,” “he’s/she’s a good listener,” “it’s only about work,” etc.
•The cheater looks to spend more and more time out of the house with their friend.
•The cheater actually looks forward to spending time with their friend rather than with their spouse or partner.
•They tell their friend things that they don’t even share with their spouse / partner.
•Cheaters spend less time having meaningful conversations with their spouse.
•They are less interested in sex with their spouse or partner.
•They can sometimes behave in ways with their friend that they would never have done with their spouse or partner.
•They conjure up reasons to give their friends gifts.
•Cheaters can suddenly become more critical of their spouse or partner, e.g., the way they dress, the way they look, etc.


Read more: http://www.emotionalaffairsite.com/...motional-affair-signs-checklist#ixzz1mGTOdprD


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Cant agree with the last poster. You have nothing to worry about. Even if he has a bit of a EA it wont harm you.


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello,

I may have a few comments that would help in your situation.

Firstly I would like to congratulate you on keeping a positive emotional cycle in your relationship over the long term especially when faced with such challenges. Statistically speaking you and your husband are solidly above the curve.

Regarding the issues you are currently facing: 

You see him generally upset and you naturally wonder that if he where to talk about his problems he would feel better. This is a very common misconception women have because they as women do feel better when sharing their problems. Men usually do not have the same emotional outlet and they usually share problems only if they need advice to fix them. As such most men feel good when they are able to handle the problems themselves and what they desire from their partner is trust in their problem handling abilities, thus attempts to get him to talk can be interpreted as mistrust on your part. 

Now if you want to help him to feel better here are a few pointers on how to properly support your partner emotionally as a woman. Please look for ways relevant to your own relationship to express: 

*Trust* –You trust his skills in dealing with his problems. You respect and trust his judgment and his abilities.
*Acceptance* - he needs to feel that he pleases you. He needs to feel you accept and appreciate him for who he is and not trying to change and improve him. 
*Appreciation *– he would like to feel that you are grateful for the love and respect he shows you, that you are grateful for his providing for you and not that routine daily activities are no longer worthy of appreciation.
*Admiration* – you admire his victories and his displays of skill 
*Approval* - you approve of him as a person and of his behavior. 
*Encouragement* – you encourage him in a positive way to grow and evolve in skill and status, especially when he experiences setbacks


Regarding the communication with the long time ex there are several possibilities that come to mind. 

The most likely one is that while your relationship is still positive, the trials and challenges you have naturally build up in his mind a rosy picture of what might have been with the other woman. Now in reality if he hypothetically was to have chosen the other woman in the past chances are he would have had a worse quality relationship that he now has, he may even be aware of that but nevertheless the "what if" scenario in his mind most likely drove him to seek her out. 

If that is the case there is a strong possibility that his interest is benign and will not manifest inappropriately.

There are other factors which may impact his behaviors such as the middle age crisis. Even though it may set in at any age he is still past the edge where it usually does set in. If however this is the major factor there would be a higher possibility that his interest would be more than benign. 

Either way it would benefit your relationship if you would discuss the subject and bring it out in the open. 

It is a sensitive subject though and it needs to be handled carefully. I suggest you approach the issue along the lines of: 

- have a calm, cooperative tone of voice. Avoid any negative emotional energy like blame, anger or sadness.
- be supportive working on the assumption which is most likely true that he is following a benign curiosity in a what if scenario and allow him to continue 
- be confident in the strength of your relationship and in your capacity to fulfill him emotionally and therefore non threatened by the communication eh has with the ex, this if done right will result in him feeling very attracted to you because of it, you want to avoid the feeling of fear that he will get mad an leave you, this makes you act needy and desperate and that is a major turn off for males

Please keep in mind that the above notions are based on generalizations of male female behavior and may not apply to you. take from them what you need.


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