# Recently Seperated



## csmith8092 (4 mo ago)

New to this forum and just found it actually. My wife of 2.5 years has recently decided she doesn't want to be married anymore. No abuse, no cheating from either side. There are normal marriage problems of course. She has been married before and then lived alone for almost 8 years. She has now decided that she is better alone and doesn't want to put work into the marriage to move forward. I moved out 2.5 weeks ago to give her space and just don't know what to do from here. We are both going to therapy separately and I am still willing to try to salvage this marriage.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

What are your ages? She probably got set in her ways living alone for 8 years. No abuse and affairs is a good sign. Do you plan on going to couples therapy together eventually? 

PS - You may want to remove your photo from the avatar if you want anonymity.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

csmith8092 said:


> New to this forum and just found it actually. My wife of 2.5 years has recently decided she doesn't want to be married anymore. No abuse, no cheating from either side. There are normal marriage problems of course. She has been married before and then lived alone for almost 8 years. She has now decided that she is better alone and doesn't want to put work into the marriage to move forward. I moved out 2.5 weeks ago to give her space and just don't know what to do from here. We are both going to therapy separately and I am still willing to try to salvage this marriage.


If you are separated, your marriage won't heal. You both are in IC, which means focusing on what's best for yourself. If you were in Marriage Counseling, then the focus would be on you as a couple.

In your current status you should adjust your mindset... your marriage is over.

If you want to save your marriage then move back in to your house and start working together on the solution as a couple with marriage counseling.

What were the circumstances when she told you it was over?
Were you fighting about something and it came out or was it a sit-down adult conversation or?

What about life now? Are you two still in contact with each other daily or how does that work?
Do you have any kids to co=parent?


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## csmith8092 (4 mo ago)

She is 42 and I am 36. Yes, she is a little set in her ways and doesn't deal with negative emotions well, high anxiety and such. Main reason I left the house was because she was starting to avoid it and find reasons to stay away. I would have to go to couples therapy at some point but she has no interest in it right now and just keeps saying she is done, that she loves me and says I am a good man but no longer in love with me. I spoke to her on Monday in person for the first time since I moved out. Mostly just a check up and how she was doing and what were her thoughts, neither have seemed to change. What has changed is my approach, I am staying calm and trying to listen to her and understand rather than trying to logically explain my thoughts.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

csmith8092 said:


> She is 42 and I am 36. Yes, she is a little set in her ways and doesn't deal with negative emotions well, high anxiety and such. Main reason I left the house was because she was starting to avoid it and find reasons to stay away. I would have to go to couples therapy at some point but she has no interest in it right now and just keeps saying she is done, that she loves me and says I am a good man but no longer in love with me. I spoke to her on Monday in person for the first time since I moved out. Mostly just a check up and how she was doing and what were her thoughts, neither have seemed to change. What has changed is my approach, I am staying calm and trying to listen to her and understand rather than trying to logically explain my thoughts.


Are you sure there's no one else in the picture?

-Staying away from home
-Separating to give "space"
-ILYBNILWY

At this point it doesn't matter I guess, your marriage is over if you don't do anything real to fix it. Staying apart won't fix anything.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

1. Never leave the house. If she’s done, she can leave. Don’t be a supplicating chump.

2. Separation is ********. It’s only a way for her to try out another man or ease into a divorce more conveniently for her.
Nothing improves when living apart. You can give her space while under the same roof.
But she doesn’t want to improve things anyway, she’s not in love with you and and she’s done with you. So what’s the point?
Whose idea was it for you to move out?

3. It’s highly likely that there is another man in the picture. The “I love you but I’m not in love with you“ line almost always indicates that she’s sleeping with another man, or is about to.
Also, outside of abuse or a totally useless husband, women rarely leave a marriage without having something else lined up.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

OP, all the tell tail signs that she found another dude. Start there.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

csmith8092 said:


> She is 42 and I am 36. Yes, she is a little set in her ways and doesn't deal with negative emotions well, high anxiety and such. Main reason I left the house was because she was starting to avoid it and find reasons to stay away. I would have to go to couples therapy at some point but she has no interest in it right now and just keeps saying she is done, that she loves me and says I am a good man but no longer in love with me. I spoke to her on Monday in person for the first time since I moved out. Mostly just a check up and how she was doing and what were her thoughts, neither have seemed to change. What has changed is my approach, I am staying calm and trying to listen to her and understand rather than trying to logically explain my thoughts.


When they tell you they are done, believe them.
Your only play now is to deal from a position of strength.
Get your affairs in order, get a good attorney and file.
Have her served coldly and without notice.
If this doesn't get her attention, nothing will.
If this snaps her out of her funk, drama or whatever and she is willing to do the work to improve herself and save the marriage, then you can ratchet back.
If not, it saves you a protracted stay in Limboland, and you can get your s*** sorted without drama, move on, and find someone who truly wants to be with you.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> If you are separated, your marriage won't heal. You both are in IC, which means focusing on what's best for yourself. If you were in Marriage Counseling, then the focus would be on you as a couple.


I hear what you're saying, but a lot of marriages break down as the result of individual issues. And those need to be addressed first. My ex had emotional issues from her childhood that she carried into the marriage. We went to MC, but it was really pointless since everything stemmed from trust, lack of love, conflict resolution, etc that she suffered in childhood.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

csmith8092 said:


> She is 42 and I am 36. Yes, she is a little set in her ways and doesn't deal with negative emotions well, high anxiety and such. Main reason I left the house was because she was starting to avoid it and find reasons to stay away. I would have to go to couples therapy at some point but she has no interest in it right now and just keeps saying she is done, that she loves me and says I am a good man but no longer in love with me. I spoke to her on Monday in person for the first time since I moved out. Mostly just a check up and how she was doing and what were her thoughts, neither have seemed to change. What has changed is my approach, I am staying calm and trying to listen to her and understand rather than trying to logically explain my thoughts.


There may be someone else, there may not be. My gut tells me there isn't. But always be aware of that as a possibility.

I think your wife just got used to living alone....doing everything she wanted to do, when she wanted to do it. No stress, no worries. And married life is all about sacrifice, dealing with issues that pop up, etc. So she would rather be by herself than married. It sucks for you, but it doesn't sound like there is much you can do...except....give her space. Make yourself scarce. Don't call and check up on her. Go no contact. Your only real hope is that she misses you. And she can't do that if she's seeing you and you're calling her.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

SCDad01 said:


> I hear what you're saying, but a lot of marriages break down as the result of individual issues. And those need to be addressed first. My ex had emotional issues from her childhood that she carried into the marriage. We went to MC, but it was really pointless since everything stemmed from trust, lack of love, conflict resolution, etc that she suffered in childhood.


Individual issues can and should be fixed, but you have to weigh the cost on the marriage.

Example: My wife has a lot of issues from childhood SA & abuse, I have issues from..well..I do.

We both have issues that affect our marriage now. But we have both learned to deal with those issues, and we're happy as it is. Plus we are both older. So we collectively decided rather than each of us focusing on fixing ourselves individually, we would focus on fixing what is needed for our marriage to be better and stronger, at the cost of knowing that we're still broken people and would remain so.

That obviously won't work for everyone, but it's what worked for me.
And our marriage is better for it.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

SCDad01 said:


> I hear what you're saying, but a lot of marriages break down as the result of individual issues. And those need to be addressed first. My ex had emotional issues from her childhood that she carried into the marriage. We went to MC, but it was really pointless since everything stemmed from trust, lack of love, conflict resolution, etc that she suffered in childhood.


I don’t have a lot of confidence in marriage counseling in general, but separation is never an effective solution to improve a marriage. 

You’re either married or you’re not, and you can work on your own issues under the same roof as husband and wife.

Separation is just counterproductive ********, usually initiated to allow one spouse the freedom to test out a new partner or to ease their way in to divorce at their convenience.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

She's done being married. 

Why would you want to be with someone you had to force to want to stay with you?


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

DudeInProgress said:


> I don’t have a lot of confidence in marriage counseling in general, but separation is never an effective solution to improve a marriage.
> 
> You’re either married or you’re not, and you can work on your own issues under the same roof as husband and wife.
> 
> Separation is just counterproductive ******, usually initiated to allow one spouse the freedom to test out a new partner or to ease their way in to divorce at their convenience.


I agree. Like they say, "separation is preparation"


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

csmith8092 said:


> New to this forum and just found it actually. My wife of 2.5 years has recently decided she doesn't want to be married anymore. No abuse, no cheating from either side. There are normal marriage problems of course. She has been married before and then lived alone for almost 8 years. She has now decided that she is better alone and doesn't want to put work into the marriage to move forward. I moved out 2.5 weeks ago to give her space and just don't know what to do from here. We are both going to therapy separately and I am still willing to try to salvage this marriage.


2.5 years. Let her go. She’s gone anyway.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

csmith8092 said:


> She is 42 and I am 36. Yes, she is a little set in her ways and doesn't deal with negative emotions well, high anxiety and such. Main reason I left the house was because she was starting to avoid it and find reasons to stay away. I would have to go to couples therapy at some point but she has no interest in it right now and just keeps saying she is done, that she loves me and says I am a good man but no longer in love with me. I spoke to her on Monday in person for the first time since I moved out. Mostly just a check up and how she was doing and what were her thoughts, neither have seemed to change. What has changed is my approach, I am staying calm and trying to listen to her and understand rather than trying to logically explain my thoughts.


Cmon man, you shouldn’t have married her in the first place. Wake up to reality.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Take her by the hand and to a dark area in the house.

Bend at the waist, move closer to her.
Look carefully.

I suspect her pilot light, that little flame near her burner, went out, and went cold.

It could be another man, or it could be she ran out of natural gas.

Depression is a flame and spark killer.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I used to avoid the house when I still lived with my ex.

No other dude, just didn't want to deal with his phony playing dumb crap and his pestering me.

It's not always another dude.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You are like many guys that come through this place. The wife is obviously finished with them but they cling to desperate hope trying to convince themselves that it is otherwise.

These situations almost always play out exactly the same. Dude …. She is done with romantically loving you. With that said she may however drag you through life by a thread while consuming your resources and waiting for Mr. Right to come along. If Mr. Right doesn’t come along you will just continue the charade until you are old, useless, and showing up here to complain about your bitter resentment and cold wife.

There are plenty of those guys here as well. They all convince themselves that they aren’t one of them because “fill in the blank with bullchit”. They do things like stay married to a woman that cheated on them for years, cheated multiple times, they raise affair babies, work until they are almost dead while wife is out spending money, apologizing to the cheating spouse for not being “what she needed”, and all kinds of other things that make people cringe when they read it.

The biggest issue with being one of those suckers is that they can’t even act upon it. The only action most of them take is complain and whine about it while the remaining suckers suck that trash down and swallow it. The swallowers say things like “ Our marriage is so much better now”.

If someone isn’t an asset to your life ….. get them out of your life PERIOD.

Don’t be a whiny batch or a swallower.

Hold your head up high and act like a man. Tell her thank you for the good times that you did have and then GTFO !!!!


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