# Can one person save a marraige?



## Biding_Time (Nov 24, 2008)

I suppose this is clearly anonymous so I can divulge more if needed (trying to avoid writing a book) ...

but can a marriage be saved by one person?

Married for 13 1/2 year and have been together almost 18. Happy marriage from my angle (and I would have thought hers) but things ended abruptly 4 weeks ago when I was told it was over, no efforts will be made, you won't talk me out of it.

We have two kids, boy 6.5 and girl 4.5. They don't know.

I'm doing the best I can by staying calm, giving her space, and keeping up appearances for the kids - so far they haven't asked anything beyond why mom isn't in our room any more (said I have a new snoring problem).

She is stone faced on the topic, and even people close to her (not her family as I haven't talked to them in some time, but friends) say she doesn't seem herself. distant cut off, non feeling.

Thoughts?

(will expand if required)


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## Melancholy (Nov 15, 2008)

I'm in a similar position, except my wife packed up my bags and sent me out of the house. She doesn't want to talk or work on things, this is non-negotiable at this point.

Sounds like your wife and my wife are at the same point in their lives, they are confused and are at a crossroad in their mind. My wife told me that she wasn't happy anymore, and didn't have feelings for me anymore. She requested space, but it later evolved to talking about the marriage being over. In her short text messages and voice mails she uses the tone and attitude that it is over (just so I don't get confused and think there is still a chance).

I don't know what to tell you except that you should give her some space and time to work things out for herself. Use this time to work on yourself (exercise, read books, get counseling) and be ready for the opportunity to work things out if it is ever offered.


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## Biding_Time (Nov 24, 2008)

realized I didn't say anything as to the cause ...

no cheating, no abuse, no drinking ... none of the top ten list.

physical issue in our relationship. My libido higher, frustration on both sides causing quarterly arguments and weekly pressure. Made worse by a long term ED issue on my end that (have realized in the last month through counseling) pretty much shattered my self confidence in every area of my life making me put more pressure on this than required.

she says she's done. this topic has broken her. she needs to save herself.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Melancholy said:


> Use this time to work on yourself (exercise, read books, get counseling) and be ready for the opportunity to work things out if it is ever offered.


:iagree:

I don't think there's much to work on within the marriage if one party is totally unwilling at this point. Focusing on taking care of yourself and your children, however, will be a positive for you no matter what ends up happening and it could make her think twice about this decision.


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

The answer to your question would be no. It takes 2. There has to be a reason it's over. you have to find that out before you can save any relationship


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

It seems odd to me that she would be so irrational. i mean, no abuse, no cheating, no anything. and she's not even willing to talk to you about it? its just over? that's just odd to me. I always think there's a reason equal in magnitude to the reaction.


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## Biding_Time (Nov 24, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> It seems odd to me that she would be so irrational. i mean, no abuse, no cheating, no anything. and she's not even willing to talk to you about it? its just over? that's just odd to me. I always think there's a reason equal in magnitude to the reaction.


to answer that I'd have to know what's in her head.

ten years ago when we started talking about kids she did a similar thing. Shut down, no emotion. I moved out, sold the house, and then the fog lifted. (too six weeks)

Now with two kids involved I'm not reacting with anger, and I'm not reacting with trying to talk her out of it.

Just leaving her alone to think about it.

The misunderstanding in it was the physical issue. My ED made me think it was my problem, but one I could manage. that was dumb it was destroying me. But I didn't know she was getting hurt by my trying to fix it. I thought she was annoyed by the topic, not hurt by it. 

Since this has happened I feel so much better about the core issue as I've finally told friends and family about it and nobody is judgemental. Has been a weight lift.

But now I'm in a house ... we try and make it look good but there is no home anymore. 4 weeks isn't a long time, but it seems like a long time.

I want to hang in and give her time but how long can you go in this environment? I guess I'll find out.

You never know what's inside a marriage, but everyone that knows us is shocked and can't believe it. As far as I know that was a small issue within a very happy marriage.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Biding_Time-

I think i get you, but you're going to have to explain your conflicting statements more clearly. You say you have both a higher libido than her, and ED at the same time. Please explain this, and give a history, starting from when it was OK, up until now.

As to your question, I believe one person can save a marriage, but it takes considerable skill.


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## Biding_Time (Nov 24, 2008)

ED ...

is partial ED an answer?

never a problem in teen years and into college. But broke up with a high school girl friend of 3 years. Next time I tried it was a one nighter and it freaked me out. Cast doubt in my mind ever since.

Managable at the beginning in our relationship. Took a dip when we had trouble ten years ago and has been a medicated thing since.

Problem for me though ... felt terrible about myself. If things didn't go well I'd feel it for the entire time between (medication only partly worked, or didn't last long enough etc). Felt I had to make it right. If she said not tonight I'd almost puke (after weighting 8 days or so between). Ended up baggering her about it from time to time. And led to fights every few months.

The medication felt like cheating. I never took myelf off the hook for what's a pretty normal thing.

so my libido was higher, partially due to simple man/woman difference I'm sure, and partially due to trying to gain intimacy and make myself feel better.

Stupid once you figuere it all out. but I didn't see it.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Women have a higher libido than men, but women more easily suppress it, so it appears to be lower. When women get in touch with their animal side, they are formidable.

So do you thing you ED was psychogenic, rather than physical?


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## Biding_Time (Nov 24, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Women have a higher libido than men, but women more easily suppress it, so it appears to be lower. When women get in touch with their animal side, they are formidable.
> 
> So do you thing you ED was psychogenic, rather than physical?


I would think so ... not to the bottom of that yet though.

Part of the process I would guess.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

So are you saying that your ED also upset her? Can you explain the sort of thing that happened?

Also, can you tell me how many times you normally ejaculate per week?


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Melancholy said:


> I'm in a similar position, except my wife packed up my bags and sent me out of the house. She doesn't want to talk or work on things, this is non-negotiable at this point.
> 
> Sounds like your wife and my wife are at the same point in their lives, they are confused and are at a crossroad in their mind. My wife told me that she wasn't happy anymore, and didn't have feelings for me anymore. She requested space, but it later evolved to talking about the marriage being over. In her short text messages and voice mails she uses the tone and attitude that it is over (just so I don't get confused and think there is still a chance).
> 
> I don't know what to tell you except that you should give her some space and time to work things out for herself. Use this time to work on yourself (exercise, read books, get counseling) and be ready for the opportunity to work things out if it is ever offered.



Melancholy,

Man your story sounds so much like mine.. My wife of close to 16 years asked me to move out a month ago.. said she didnt love me anymore and hasn't for some time... it blindsided me to say the least... I have been devistated this past month.. in email conversations she told me the same things its over and she has no plans on trying to make it work... get on with my life and that she hates me.... I know exactly what you are feeling and I am sorry. I know how hurt I am and can only guess your feeling the same....check out the post "Should i give up"

Biding_time. 

I feel for you friend.. your wife sounds just like mine.. I think mine had a midlife crisis or something.. 3 days before she kicked me out we had planned on getting her 30000$ worth of plastic surgery for her self esteem.... dang glad i didnt sign anything before she gave me the boot...I have granted my wife wish and have only contacted her about the kids.. and she has done most of the contacting.. Give her space that she asks for and like everyone said work on yourself. I am just getting to the point of acceptance that in deed it may be over.... I hold out hope because I still love my wofe very much... were not divorced until the judge says so........ so there still is time..
as long as there is not another guy... in my situation i dont know.... not sure if i want to know either.....

best wishes to you both...... your in my prayers for strength for all of us....


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## Biding_Time (Nov 24, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> So are you saying that your ED also upset her? Can you explain the sort of thing that happened?
> 
> Also, can you tell me how many times you normally ejaculate per week?


No she was always understanding about it ... but she wasn't a forward person, or one prone to compliments ... kind of added to the inadequacy around the topic.

Second question ... not sure how that applies ... but once? I don't know.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Biding_Time-

Internet ink is free...

There is something odd about your story, it is as if you have left so much out that it does not really hang together properly. I don't know if you are clear (in you own mind) about exactly why you think your wife left you, but I think I speak for everyone in saying that you have not made it clear to us.

Perhaps you could have another go at explaining?


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## Biding_Time (Nov 24, 2008)

well I can try again ... didn't think I was being vague.

Her side - she's done. she's broken. she feels I took the physical side of our relationship and made it her fault. Asked her for more and more, was never satisfied. Ended up making her feel like it was her problem, and not something I was going through. She has to be out of the relationship to save herself and be a better mother to our two kids. 

My side - nine out of ten times the issue would come up it would be very calm. No fight at all. Me just asking for a little attention. Compliment me once and a while, slap on the rear when I walk through the room. Every few months or so it would end up in a discussion (we didn't really fight) where dumb things were said "maybe you're not attracted to me", or my all time best "are you gay?". But for the most part I was just looking to get her to help me get some self esteem back.

common friends / family - they see a sad issue within a great marriage that was let to get out of control. don't know anyone that wasn't shocked by this a month ago. 

misunderstanding - was never put to an ultimatum or a dire warning of any kind. We were both annoyed by it, but I honestly thought I was managing the ED thing and how it effected me, and she was nuiscanced by the ongoing talk about it. didin't know it was effecting her as well. have understood since that this stupid thing was almost destroying me. Getting it off my chest has helped me a lot already both to friends and family and a therapist. 

Where we sit - were always great friends in what I assumed to be a happy marriage. she saw this as so much that it is done and it can't be looked at. No changing minds, no counseling, that's it. no fighting at all right now, just trivial kid related chatter. I'm leaving her be to think as another "it's over and I won't change my mind" conversation is the last thing I need.

hope that clears things up


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Biding_Time said:


> hope that clears things up


Slightly, but it still seems muddled!

So anything I say might be completely off beam if I have misread the information. 

From what I read, it seems as if you had a mental leaning towards ED, that was triggered by her more than it would have been triggered by someone kinder, and more sexually demonstrative. If this is the case you might be best off letting her go.

You need to really work on yourself though. Several issues seem so twisted together in your mind, that your words are a mess. You need to get to know yourself better. Nervousness and ED can largely be dealt with by using mind over matter, with a few little tricks thrown in.

The fact that you thought the marriage was OK,and she didn't speaks volumes. It shows a total lack of communication, and perhaps denial on your part - all the more reason to work on yourself.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Biding_Time said:


> ten years ago when we started talking about kids she did a similar thing. Shut down, no emotion. I moved out, sold the house, and then the fog lifted. (too six weeks)


some women have a very long memory. she shut down and you just up and left? How'd you two get past this? did you talk about it? she could be afraid you're going to leave her so she wants to be the one that leaves this time. 

why'd she shut down when you started asking about kids? that seems odd to me too. what happened that caused her to shut down? usually when someone shuts down and checks out emotionally its because they feel very threatened and go into self preservation mode. something about that conversation made her feel extremely vulnerable. 



Biding_Time said:


> Problem for me though ... felt terrible about myself. If things didn't go well I'd feel it for the entire time between (medication only partly worked, or didn't last long enough etc). Felt I had to make it right. If she said not tonight I'd almost puke (after weighting 8 days or so between). Ended up baggering her about it from time to time. And led to fights every few months.


I can understand this leading to her wanting to leave. Just reading it makes me tired. Im not saying its your fault, or that she should want to leave, just that i can understand how high the tension in the relationship must have gotten. 

and what do you mean you "baggered" her?


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## Biding_Time (Nov 24, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> From what I read, it seems as if you had a mental leaning towards ED, that was triggered by her more than it would have been triggered by someone kinder, and more sexually demonstrative. If this is the case you might be best off letting her go.
> 
> You need to really work on yourself though. Several issues seem so twisted together in your mind, that your words are a mess. You need to get to know yourself better. Nervousness and ED can largely be dealt with by using mind over matter, with a few little tricks thrown in.
> 
> The fact that you thought the marriage was OK,and she didn't speaks volumes. It shows a total lack of communication, and perhaps denial on your part - all the more reason to work on yourself.


I don't want to put this on her. I think if she was a little more demonstrative, or if she initiated more it would have helped for sure. But then I have friends that wish their wives spent less money, or didn't nag them. I think every marriage has a zit or two.

If I had recognized that I needed to deal with this once and for all on my own her reactions to things wouldn't have been so severe. But late at least as it stands. It hurt my self confidence to an extent that I was just a mess, though no one else could see it. Just talking about it now has lifted a lot of weight and that confidence is coming back.

Good marriage? I don't want to speak for her, but I honestly don't think she thought the marriage was bad at all. I think this issue needed to be dealt with, but I also think she's making it more than it is ... 

When we seperated 10 years ago for six weeks it looked pretty bleak. Then the fog cleared, she went back to being her and things were really good since. Back then a counselor felt the kids thing triggered her to go back to when her dad left their home when she was nine. "All things end, since he wants kids I may as well end it now". was that diagnosis correct? I don't know but she seems to have shut down again the same way.

I'm a good person. If she would have told me in certain terms that this was deal killer things would have changed. I'm not one to leave anything in my relationship to fester - I honestly thought I was working my way through this on my own.


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## Biding_Time (Nov 24, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> I can understand this leading to her wanting to leave. Just reading it makes me tired. Im not saying its your fault, or that she should want to leave, just that i can understand how high the tension in the relationship must have gotten.
> 
> and what do you mean you "baggered" her?


I think I answered the rest up above ... 

People close to her think she has put up a wall. Made up her mind and is gonig forward with that unemotionally. Someone close to her says talking to her on the phone is like talking to someone else. She hasn't let herself feel any of this.

The word should have read "Badgered" not "baggered".

And to give myself some credit this didn't happen every time. But if I felt insecure I'd ask her if she was interested, she'd say no ... I'd ask again later that night ... she'd say no. It was tedious for both of us.

But there was also a lot of contstructive dialogue ... it wasn't a fight or a badger every time by a long shot. At one point I suggested a "Tuesday Night Date" where I wouldn't have to ask, and she wouldn't have to say no. That worked quite well for a while.

hope that clears things up.


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