# Dealing with the wanting to gloat



## Luonnotar (Aug 2, 2012)

Well. I now understand the attack on me yesterday a little better. It's the kids weekend with Dad, and my son just gave me an update on the weekend. Apparently my STBXH was in a foul mood the whole time he was with them because, as my son overheard, the OW only seems to like him when she's drunk. Apparently there was also some discussion of their physical relationship, or lack thereof.
Beyond the fact that I'm horrified that he's having conversations like this in front of our son, part of me wants to laugh my head off. 
BUT I'm worried about what's coming next. When we were dating (ages and ages ago lol) he cheated on me, then dumped me for the other woman. When the relationship fell apart, he came back for me. (yeah, I know. I should have know then, but in my defense I was in my early 20s and thought love could change people.) So I need to prepare for the possibility that he tries to make amends. I cannot take him back. I took him back after the original cheating. I took him back after the gambling. And I was willing to take him back after the recent cheating. But he refused, and then I found out all the other stuff. 
I cannot take him back.
I'm just so glad I have this place to come to for sanity checks. Any advice you have on how to prepare for the possibility of this, I'd love to hear it. 
The problem is, I still love him. But that's not enough, not when he's demonstrated over and over that the only person he really cares about is himself.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Luonnotar:
> Any advice you have on how to prepare for the possibility of this, I'd love to hear it.
> The problem is, I still love him. But that's not enough, not when he's demonstrated over and over that the only person he really cares about is himself.


Start making a list NOW of ALL the reasons you and your children will be better off without him. 
*Off the top of my head I see:*

He's a serial cheater.
He has a gambling problem.
He comes back to you for the regular sex and the meals.
He has NO respect for you, NEVER has! (Think about that..he has NEVER EVER respected you!)
He lashes out at YOU when he's angry about OW he's cheating on you with. How effed up is that!
Discusses his relationship with his Affair Partner in a time/place your children CAN OVERHEAR.
Talks about how he's not getting SEX in a time/place your children CAN OVERHEAR.
That makes him a HORRIBLE father, as well!
He is a PISS-POOR role model as an adult, as a man, as a husband, as a father. Where do you think YOUR SON is learning how to be all of those things? From his jack-ass cheating father, that's who! If women marry men like their fathers, what is your daughter's marriage going to look like in another 20 years? A lot like THIS ONE?
*You have NOT been a good role model either! *

Taking your husband back after SERIAL CHEATING...rugsweeping it, pretending it never happened or smoothing it all over without addressing the problem and DEMANDING some contrition and growth is inexcusable. Is this man SO WONDERFUL that you're willing to let him treat you like crap? Like a cook, laundress, maid, sex worker? Because I don't see anything here that makes him a wonderful husband...not even a GOOD MAN. 

You are teaching your son that it is OKAY to cheat on your wife...she'll just have to accept it, that's how "men" act. You are teaching your daughter that her feelings don't matter...you have to just accept whatever shyt your spouse throws at you, because that's just what marriage is.

Are you so anxious to be married that you'll accept ANY behavior as long as there is a man around? You don't have to answer that on this board, but THINK ABOUT IT!

Are you afraid to be alone?
Are you afraid you can't make it financially?
Are you afraid of the pressure from family/friends to keep the family together AT ALL COSTS?
Are you afraid of judgement from people because you're divorced?
Do you have a script in your head that says you're a 'loser' if you're divorced?
Do you fear going to hell over a divorce?
Just some things to ponder in your OWN heart!

Until you face your OWN fears and understand WHY you accept such POOR DEMEANING treatment and are afraid to DEMAND MORE, DEMAND BETTER, DEMAND QUALITY treatment, you are just going to get MORE of the same shyt. And maybe you're okay with that...but can your kids afford to see you take that shyt? How badly will it screw up THEIR image of you and of themselves?

Please do some SERIOUS thinking. Write things down if it helps you focus. Put aside at least 1/2 hour 3-4 times a week to think about yourself and your needs. You also should be reading some books on setting boundaries. Doing the 180 (when you feel ready) would be VERY EMPOWERING for you, Luonnotar!


----------



## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Luo, change your frame of reference and get out of your head. what would the you of 5 years from now offer you as advice about what to do? That person isn't locked in the drama. Listen there. That's your true self. And that trumps everything and everyone else.


----------



## Luonnotar (Aug 2, 2012)

Thank you Slowly! I definitely needed that kick in the hiney. 
You're right. He's never respected me and I need to learn to respect myself. 
I've made my list (basically copied yours to be honest) and I'm carrying it with me. If he tries to get back together, I know what to say. No. No reason, no explanation. Just No. I can do that. 

What would I do without you guys? My sister tried to convince me that maybe he changed. If he hasn't changed in 30 years, why would he change now?

Just practicing now. No. No. Helllllllll no.


----------



## not.a.fool (Jan 27, 2013)

I would think that reading that list you made over and over would be enough in itself to keep you at bay and away from him. And you need to realize that their isn't a human being out there that is willing to CHANGE for anyone, the only way to CHANGE this situation is for YOU to change it. Walk away with the understanding of yourself that you alone are the key to your happiness and never let a man or woman walk all over you and then come back to wipe their feet, given the problems of his own personal battles with gambling and whatnot, he has a mountain to climb over and your on a molehill...slide on off and come back to the "righteous" way of love!


----------



## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

I would not be asking the kids about him. Dont make them feel in the middle. Just dont talk about him period


----------



## Luonnotar (Aug 2, 2012)

MSC71, I don't ask the kids about him. They talk to me, and I try to change the subject. They are both really upset, because they feel he abandoned them.


----------

