# Need Advice/Encouragement



## CrossfireHurricane

I joined just to try to get some perspective or advice. I feel pretty much alone in this...I don't have anyone I can talk to about it, I feel it will burden my family members and friends. It's amazing how similar some of the experiences, patterns etc. that I've read about on here, they could be my life. My husband too is a wonderful person when sober, and he works hard and is a loving person. But he has slowly been ramping up his alcohol intake. We talk about it -more often these days, it seems - and he knows how I feel about it but it doesn't change. He drinks too much, then has a self-pity party about what a crappy husband he is, and why don't I leave him and find someone who won't drink too much, etc., eventually he will hit just the right (wrong?) note and draw me into a stupid argument (who's the stupid one, for arguing with a drunk!)...then the next day he feels bad and will cut back to just a couple of beers. But within a week or two, a stressful day at work or some other trigger will justify (in his mind) another binge. We have children who see this, and it's an unpredictable life (at best). I feel guilty because I allow it to happen, and yet I committed to him for better or worse and I won't just leave and turn my back on him. I think at this point, he is well aware that he's an alcoholic, but not ready to do anything about it. It's just kind of a sad lonely time. We don't see friends much, he is reluctant to go anywhere and would rather drink at home. He has a couple of male friends (neighbors) who will come drink with him, but I don't have friends over because his behavior is unpredictable. And I'm kind of embarrassed. Two years ago, he had a few incidents - a few weeks/months apart - where he became much more hostile (Jekyll/Hyde like) and the 3rd such incident, he called 911 on himself and said he needed to go to the hospital. He would not let me take him and he was so mean (not physically but verbally) I backed down and let him. The police car showed up, the cop talked to him and told me he would take him to the ER. In the morning, I called the hospital and he had not checked in. I was frantic, by early afternoon I was at the police station and found out the cop had dropped him off at the ER, but did not make sure he checked in. He left, wandered around, and woke up someplace outside in the late morning. I was so scared, it was the worst experience of my life. He quit drinking for a while after that (although he would never promise that) but two years later, I feel he is approaching that same place. I love him dearly and don't want to leave. I just really don't know what to do, this is no kind of life for us and I'm miserable, but trying not to show it. I have a good job but today I just stayed home out of feelings of depression and being overwhelmed. I know others have been there...what should I be doing? I feel pretty helpless most of the time, just reacting...


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## Vizion

I have been an addict the better part of my life and have caused alot of damage in my marriage and relationships. I have an awsome wife and she (and God) is why I am here today . and I can tell you are an awsome wife too to your husband. You need to get some help right now. dont let this go any farther. It wont be easy and you will probably have to fight him but its your only choice. THIS WILL NOT GET BETTER ON ITS OWN. It will get worse and thats dangerous. Instead of me suggesting how I would go about it I think you should do you own research. educate youself about alcoholism. medicated treatment is the quickest and least painful way (for both of you)to get right-side-up again but nothing is perfect. Most all the rehabs take the same approach, so first thing, call some of them and stay on the phone long enough for you to understand what is going on and what options are available. I know what he's going through and he has little power over it. He is still the man you know and love underneath this poison and its time to start the healing proccess


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## EleGirl

Find an Al-Anon chapter in your area. They will help you with handling this.


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## CrossfireHurricane

thank you so much for your words of encouragement. it's good to hear from someone who has been there, it gives me hope that maybe we can get past it and he will one day thank me. And more importantly, that we'll have many healthy happy years ahead of us.


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## Cherry

CrossfireHurricane said:


> thank you so much for your words of encouragement. it's good to hear from someone who has been there, it gives me hope that maybe we can get past it and he will one day thank me. And more importantly, that we'll have many healthy happy years ahead of us.


Would your H be interested in an inpatient facility? Or for starters, an intensive outpatient program?


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## Vizion

Good luck Crossfire and I pray this is as painless as possible. Keep us posted on your success


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## TBT

CrossfireHurricane said:


> thank you so much for your words of encouragement. it's good to hear from someone who has been there, it gives me hope that maybe we can get past it and he will one day thank me. And more importantly, that we'll have many healthy happy years ahead of us.


Have no doubt there is hope and like EleGirl said,find a chapter of Al-Anon because you'll get some great support there from people who are going through the same trials.This kind of thing often leaves family members feeling isolated,but believe me its way more common than you might think.Chances are there's a family or two on your block going through the same thing.I'm many years in recovery now and life has way more ups than downs.Life may not always be rosy,but you know what...isn't that the way it is for everyone.Learning to live life on life's terms.Most people can do this without turning to alcohol and other addictions,but I needed some help and to be shown the way.Your husband can find a better way as well,but he has to overcome his fear and most likely shame and reach out for help.There will be someone there to willingly grab hold have no fear.Praying for an easing of your burdens.God bless.


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## endlessgrief

Nearly every word you typed is my life as well. It's crazy how we think we are alone in this, that we suffer in silence, etc. Then we find a site like this and read OUR story over and over and over. 

That incident with the ER would have freaked me out badly as well. You should have beat the sh!t out of him and really made him have to go to the ER.


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## Inabetterplace

Oh my heart goes out to you and your family. I've lived this and like so many your story is our story just different names and faces. Please......please take some good advise and get to an Al Anon meeting. There is no pressure for you to talk just listen until you're ready. You are not alone.


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## CrossfireHurricane

Thank you to all the wonderful people who reached out and took the time to reply to my post. I did not take the words of advice seriously. My husband has since had several incidents, and he has been lucky so far but I know that luck will not hold out. I let him off the hook for completely quitting, he cut down to 1 or 2 beers a day and was fine, except twice now when he traveled for work, he would get totally drunk and once was escorted off a plane by Port police (at our home airport, after his trip) but not arrested; and this past weekend, attended my company party with me, and nearly was arrested after being cut off at the bar. He was acting like he was having a lovely time, but disappeared from me at the end, and I found him surrounded by employees of the cruise line (the party was held on a boat) and police. He came so close to being arrested, but with the help of a wonderful couple who are good friends, I got him back to the hotel. He still continued to be really horrible to our friends and anyone who would argue with him. By God's grace he stayed in the room with me and spent all day yesterday basically sleeping. He now has told me he will quit completely. But I know it's not that easy. I have found an Al Anon group and will attend on Wednesday. I know we are facing a very difficult journey. But now I am determined. You know they say the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I'm not going to do the same thing anymore, he needs me to be stronger, tougher, and I want him around for a long time. I told him this morning, I feel I may lose him either to killing himself one way or another with alcohol, or if he leaves me because he can't give up alcohol. And I hope and pray there is a third option. That's when he said he would do it. Pray for us, and for me to be strong for our whole family. Thank you again, although you don't know me you all have done so much for me, knowing there are others out there who have experienced it, come through it, and who care. I'll let you know how things go. God bless.


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## itzachicken

WOW...I'm in the exact same boat and feel so much of the same feelings. I don't have much advice since I have reached the point of seriously filing for custody and uprooting the kids over his wild behavior, but I can tell you TAM has helped me tremendously to deal with my issues and keep my anger over the situation in check. Sometimes just venting helps. GOD BLESS.


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## rcgray60

not sure if im in the right place my husband keep doing drugs im at the point im about to leave and im tired of this can someone advice me on a good support


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## CrossfireHurricane

To those who responded to me when I was so down, or who are looking for support, I just want to say, don’t give up. My husband finally got sober, it has been over two months and I can tell he has finally taken it to heart. In the past, he would regret his behavior but would never commit to quitting – he would just say he was going to ‘cut back’, but he has finally realized that is not an option for him. He can’t maintain it, once work stress or something triggers him, he gets drunk again. The way it came about was not great, he was away on a work conference in Las Vegas (just knowing he was going there scared the **** out of me, I had a terrible feeling about it) and on the Tuesday morning of his conference, I got a call at work from a bail bondsman, because my husband had been arrested. It was quite a while before I could finally learn the details, I spent most of that day worried sick but thankfully for all, he didn’t hurt anyone; all he did was dial 911 repeatedly until they sent officers to arrest him. He had been roughed up by some casino staff, probably due to his attitude when they cut him off, and dialing 911 was all he could think of to try to get justice for what happened to him. Of course that was wrong, but in my mind it could have been so much worse…his job was in jeopardy, and I believe that is what finally made him take sobriety seriously. He is getting medical treatment for addiction; he was given a medication to reduce the craving for alcohol, but has not even taken it and so far he is coping well. The first couple of weeks were tough, but now he throws himself into his woodworking and home improvement projects, and seems quite happy. He knows he is lucky, he did not lose his job, only had a few days unpaid suspension since he is seeking treatment, and he did not lose his family nor hurt anyone. I cannot explain to you the feeling of relief. I don’t think I have completely grasped it yet, but now I no longer have to worry about what mood he will be in, will he have had a couple of beers on the way home and try to pick a fight? When I go back and read my earlier posts, the state of mind I was in last summer and fall, I want to cry with relief at how different our lives are now. Please, if you are feeling desperate, call Al Anon and at least get some help for yourself. You are not alone.


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## MariaDroste

It would only help if you talk these issues with someone. Keeping issues with yourself would only aggravate the problem more and draw you into depression. I would suggest you take help from an addiction counselor and see what he advices. Addiction counselors
are very helpful in dealing with such issues. It would help you and your husband to come out of this and lead a healthy life. Check out this http://www.mariadroste.org/what-we-do/trauma-and-illness/.Hope it will help you lot. Keep me posted


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## Ignis

*Why are you playing this game?*

Why are you playing this game with him? You know, even though it seems he is part of a problem, the truth is, you are too. 

You said you wont turn him back, but sometimes the only way to make him change is to free yourself of such burden.

You must understand that he will not get better if you care more about him. He will not get better if you support him. He must fall on the ground and realize (by himself!) that he needs a treatment. He (not you!) must decide for his own life and your marriage.

You must protect yourself, you deserve better. But, do you really believe that?


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## Ignis

itzachicken said:


> WOW...I'm in the exact same boat and feel so much of the same feelings. I don't have much advice since I have reached the point of seriously filing for custody and uprooting the kids over his wild behavior, but I can tell you TAM has helped me tremendously to deal with my issues and keep my anger over the situation in check. Sometimes just venting helps. GOD BLESS.


I agree. Happy for you!


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