# HELP... I’m angry and mad...



## Callingquits

Where do I start... I’ve been married for almost 21 years. I have 3 children and I want a divorce. 
My husband claims to love me and says he will never stop loving me that I am the love of his life... 
my story is LONG sand could be made into a Sunday night movie- 
I grew up very religious and had never been sexually involved with anyone. Got married when I was 20 and things seemed great. My husband was going to school and things were on track for a good life. 
5 years into the marriage my husband started doing drugs.... he says he stared doing drugs because he didn’t feel close me and I spent more time taking care of the kids then showing him affection... he went through rehab, I thought he was better although he 5 years later I ended up finding he was still taking pills and selling them. 
After the intial drug problem I pretty much told him that anytime he wanted sex he could have it, now I realize I’ve set myself up for him to view me as a sex doll. I’ve always tried hard to Please him sexually... but it’s just not me! I don’t like doing the things to him that he wants done. I think I’m the 21 years we’ve been married we’ve made love 2 times. Although we have sex every night- he chokes me and does stuff to me I don’t like even when I tell him I don’t like it.... he still does it. 

He then did a bunch of sketchy investments and we lost everything in 2009 house and cars, filed bankruptcy. 

He’s been fired multiple times “never his fault”
5 years ago one of my relatives had their house robbed all signs pointed to him that he was responsible for it.... he was gone the night it happened, made some sketchy remarks and had reason to rob them. 3 months after that he was aressted for a bank robbery “that he was framed for” once again all evidence points to him!!! He spent 4.5 months in jail, I was going to get a divorce then but didn’t want to hurt the kids.

The last 6 years my husband has not had a job. He says he “takes care of our children” who are all in school full time.... 

I seemed to be ok with that- then a year and half ago I joined a site where you get paid to chat to men. I was making good money... My husband for a year now has been pushing me to do porn, saying look how much money we could make and how many vacations we could take. While he sits home and does nothing to contribute financially. I support my family and yet he would not stop pressing me to do porn!!!! 

There’s so much more but I don’t want to make this to long.... 

I’ve had enough.... I’m tired, I’m worn out, I want someone to love me and take care of me for once. I want to feel safe and protected, I want to be proud of my husband.... I’m tired of making excuses for the man I’m married too!!! 

Please share your thoughts I’m open to hearing them all.....


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## notmyjamie

Callingquits said:


> Please share your thoughts I’m open to hearing them all.....


I'm having so many thoughts I don't even know where to begin. Your husband's drug use is not at all your fault. My guess is that he was using before you ever even married him, it just took a while to get caught. 

Your sex life sounds awful. It's all about him and his desires. Does he ask you ever about your desires? I've done things in bed before that don't make my skirt fly up but it was a give and take thing. Nothing about what you wrote sounds like a give and take relationship...he just takes and takes and takes.

I think you're here looking for permission to file for divorce. I give it to you freely. Please, call a lawyer tomorrow. Your husband is complete dirtbag. After you hang up from the lawyer's office, call to make an appointment with a therapist to figure out why you've stayed with him for so long and to help you gain the strength it will take to leave.


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## Deejo

Helluva of an opening post.

21 years, 3 college aged kids, drug addiction, theft and he's been unemployed for 6 years?

We'll leave the porn out for the time being.

He sounds like a peach. I don't know what there is to discuss other than what your exit plan is.


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## SpinyNorman

I think this site is quick to tell people to bail, but you haven't mentioned anything that sounds worth saving, vs. a LOT that sounds worth running from. 

You mentioned he probably robbed relatives, watch your back in all of this. Your divorce lawyer might be able to recommend somebody who knows about security cameras, guns, etc.


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## MaiChi

Callingquits said:


> Where do I start... I’ve been married for almost 21 years. I have 3 children and I want a divorce.
> My husband claims to love me and says he will never stop loving me that I am the love of his life...
> my story is LONG sand could be made into a Sunday night movie-
> I grew up very religious and had never been sexually involved with anyone. Got married when I was 20 and things seemed great. My husband was going to school and things were on track for a good life.
> 5 years into the marriage my husband started doing drugs.... he says he stared doing drugs because he didn’t feel close me and I spent more time taking care of the kids then showing him affection... he went through rehab, I thought he was better although he 5 years later I ended up finding he was still taking pills and selling them.
> After the intial drug problem I pretty much told him that anytime he wanted sex he could have it, now I realize I’ve set myself up for him to view me as a sex doll. I’ve always tried hard to Please him sexually... but it’s just not me! I don’t like doing the things to him that he wants done. I think I’m the 21 years we’ve been married we’ve made love 2 times. Although we have sex every night- he chokes me and does stuff to me I don’t like even when I tell him I don’t like it.... he still does it.
> 
> He then did a bunch of sketchy investments and we lost everything in 2009 house and cars, filed bankruptcy.
> 
> He’s been fired multiple times “never his fault”
> 5 years ago one of my relatives had their house robbed all signs pointed to him that he was responsible for it.... he was gone the night it happened, made some sketchy remarks and had reason to rob them. 3 months after that he was aressted for a bank robbery “that he was framed for” once again all evidence points to him!!! He spent 4.5 months in jail, I was going to get a divorce then but didn’t want to hurt the kids.
> 
> The last 6 years my husband has not had a job. He says he “takes care of our children” who are all in school full time....
> 
> I seemed to be ok with that- then a year and half ago I joined a site where you get paid to chat to men. I was making good money... My husband for a year now has been pushing me to do porn, saying look how much money we could make and how many vacations we could take. While he sits home and does nothing to contribute financially. I support my family and yet he would not stop pressing me to do porn!!!!
> 
> There’s so much more but I don’t want to make this to long....
> 
> I’ve had enough.... I’m tired, I’m worn out, I want someone to love me and take care of me for once. I want to feel safe and protected, I want to be proud of my husband.... I’m tired of making excuses for the man I’m married too!!!
> 
> Please share your thoughts I’m open to hearing them all.....





Is there no scope for him to also make money chatting to women online? 

You really should be angry and a lot more than you are.


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## Callingquits

Right- why doesnt he get into porn...... he even took me on a surprise Vegas trip to the AVN awards. Adult porn convention to try to pimp me out so I could get into porn..... even when I told him I didn’t wanna be a porn star...... and he said.... I thought it would make you feel sexy and wanted....


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## Spicy

He’s a filthy, disgusting, pig of a man. Divorce him and find REAL love!


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## Marc878

Make a decision lady and dump his worthless ass.

You are your biggest problem right now. Stop!!!!!


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## sunsetmist

Mam, he may say he loves you, but he loves the world more. I didn't read any current redeeming features unless you too have a lack of morals and agree to be pimped. Is the fact that you had a religious background hampering your proceeding with a divorce? 

You are not responsible for his drug habits, theft, irresponsible financial abilities. His actions speak louder than his words. I'd be gone yesterday.


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## Rubix Cubed

I think you've been in this derelicts sphere of influence so long you've gotten used to it. This guy is a leech and offers you nothing, he just wants the free ride. Get a lawyer, protect your assets and boot his ass. There is nothing in this for you, except pain and poverty.


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## niceguy47460

Leave his ass fast and don't look back


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## Callingquits

I think it’s years and years of being manipulated. I’ve tried getting a divorce quite a few times and he’s always turned it on me saying it’s my fault. I end up crying and feeling bad he tells me I will destroy our kids they are 12, 14 and 17. He knows we are getting a divorce, I actually told him in Vegas. And he asked “can we still have sex?” He has tell October to get a job and save up. I’m not gonna lie I’m super nervous to tell my kids. He really portrays the perfect dad and husband. He’s always saying “look how I switched the Laundry I’m a good husband, or be sure to make the bed for your wife when your married that’s what good husbands do!” I’ve told my mom and sister and they both pretty much said “it’s about time!” He told his family and they can’t even believe I would leave him.... I think being the first to be divorced on both sides had held me back.


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## OnTheFly

Did you meet a new guy on the ''chat'' job?


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## She'sStillGotIt

OP, if I had a dime for every adult in a bad marriage who used the *kids* as their excuse for not leaving, I'd be a rich woman. That's really nothing but an excuse to stay right where you are because the thought of actually going out on your own paralyzes you with fear, so you use your kids as your excuse to do nothing. And that's what you're doing when you say, "I don't want to hurt the kids by leaving him."

Do you honestly think it's much better to make them live in the toxic environment you've forced them to live in all their lives? You think having a junkie jail-bird for a father is healthy for them? You think his stupidity and irresponsibility in putting your family out on the street after you lost all your worldly assets wasn't hurting them? You think their mother walking around like a zombie because she's practically being raped every night by an abusive, sadistic, sexual deviant ass-hole isn't hurting them? 

One of my favorite sayings is, you used to be a victim, but now you're a volunteer; and that was never truer than in your case.

The guy basically uses you as a receptical every night while choking you and throwing you around like a rag doll and degrading and abusing you sexually - but that's not *enough* to make you leave.

He becomes a freakin' junkie and has the colossal nerve to blame YOU for his inability to control himself and goes to rehab, but comes out and is still taking and selling pills - but that's not *enough* to make you leave.

He can't hold a job to save his life and is a complete failure as a provider, husband and father - but that's not *enough* to make you leave.

He likely robs a member of your *own family *for the love of God - but even THAT'S not *enough* to make you leave.

He then gets popped for robbing a damned bank and they throw his worthless ass in jail - and again, even THAT'S not *enough* to make you leave.

The loser hasn't worked in years and just expects you (and likely us, the taxpayers) to support his lazy, worthless ass as well as the children he refuses to support - but that's not *enough* to make you leave. 

But the most _*despicable*_ thing of all about him is that he's turned you into a sex worker to support the family that _his_ lazy ass refuses to support. While he sits on his dead can all day doing nothing, he lets you sit in front of a webcam getting pitiful perverts off online for money. And _now_, the pig wants you to do porn because he's not satisfied with the money YOU'RE making and thinks you can make so much more. But that's not *enough* to make you leave.

Because you don't want to_ 'hurt the kids.' _That excuse sounds pretty ridiculous when you factor in the complete **** SHOW you've forced them to live in for years. 

Do you honestly believe that none of the horrifying *dysfunction *I've summarized above has been 'hurtful' to your kids for the last 10-15 years???? Do you really think they're better off growing up with that degenerate you're married to? You're raising kids who will be in therapy for YEARS because you refuse to leave your abuser. 

YOU have a choice. You always had a choice and have chosen to stay. *They* never had a choice and have been forced to live in this completely dysfunctional and unhealthy environment their whole lives. Your job as a parent is to provide a healthy, safe, positive environment for them to grow up in and you haven't done that. I think deep down, you know that as well. You can only use them as an excuse to stay with your abuser for so long before you have to face the fact that it's YOU choosing to stay for you *own* unhealthy reasons.

If you won't do it for yourself, why don't you put your kids FIRST for a change and give *them* a healthier environment in which to grow, OP?


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## She'sStillGotIt

Callingquits said:


> I’m tired, I’m worn out, I want someone to love me and take care of me for once. I want to feel safe and protected, I want to be proud of my husband....


You will never, ever have that with the loser you're married to, OP. 

*Never.*


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## aine

Calling Quits, you are not in a relationship this is slavery. What does he bring to the table, nothing it seems. Start getting your ducks in a row and go see a lawyer. You are earning money, stop financing his life and take care of yourself and the kids, stop doing anything for him. Then tell him you want a divorce, you can survive without him.


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## aine

Callingquits said:


> I think it’s years and years of being manipulated. I’ve tried getting a divorce quite a few times and he’s always turned it on me saying it’s my fault.
> 
> Tell him, yeah it is my fault and your opinion does not matter! Why do you care what he thinks, he is an abusive POS who has no value on you. Do you want your kids growing up seeing this kind of relationship where their father is willing to pimp out their mother? What about your daughters? I end up crying and feeling bad he tells me I will destroy our kids they are 12, 14 and 17.
> 
> If you stay with him, he will destroy all of your lives, this is not healthy environment for anyome
> He knows we are getting a divorce, I actually told him in Vegas. And he asked “can we still have sex?” He has tell October to get a job and save up. I’m not gonna lie I’m super nervous to tell my kids. He really portrays the perfect dad and husband. He’s always saying “look how I switched the Laundry I’m a good husband, or be sure to make the bed for your wife when your married that’s what good husbands do!” I’ve told my mom and sister and they both pretty much said “it’s about time!” Your family can see who he is, why can't you? Perhaps you need some therapy to get yourself sorted mentally and emotionally, start going now. He told his family and they can’t even believe I would leave him.... I think being the first to be divorced on both sides had held me back. That is because they are all probably like him, I am sure his family life was not so good. Anyway, you do not need their permission


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## She'sStillGotIt

Callingquits said:


> He has tell October to get a job and save up.


You just can't let go of your abuser, can you?

Are you seeking professional help?


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## 3Xnocharm

Callingquits said:


> I think it’s years and years of being manipulated. I’ve tried getting a divorce quite a few times and he’s always turned it on me saying it’s my fault. I end up crying and feeling bad he tells me I will destroy our kids they are 12, 14 and 17.


So what? Who cares? Let him turn it all on you, if thats what it takes to get the hell out of there. YOU know the real truth of what has gone on all these years, so his spin on thing really doesnt matter in the least. And your kids are well old enough to handle a divorce.. hell, they will probably CHEER when you tell them! Kids KNOW. You arent fooling them. 



Callingquits said:


> He knows we are getting a divorce, I actually told him in Vegas. And he asked “can we still have sex?”


Oh please dear God tell me you are NOT having sex with him still! Havent you prostituted yourself to him enough all these years? Hell maybe that would actually make him leave, if he's cut off!




Callingquits said:


> He has tell October to get a job and save up. I’m not gonna lie I’m super nervous to tell my kids. He really portrays the perfect dad and husband. He’s always saying “look how I switched the Laundry I’m a good husband, or be sure to make the bed for your wife when your married that’s what good husbands do!” I’ve told my mom and sister and they both pretty much said “it’s about time!” He told his family and they can’t even believe I would leave him.... I think being the first to be divorced on both sides had held me back.


Then what happens in October when he still has no job or money? Because he wont. I dont know why you are giving him so long! You better have a plan in place to get his lazy worthless ass out of your home, because he isnt going to meet that goal. 

Jesus girl, you should have left a very long time ago! Permission granted! RUN for the hills!


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## personofinterest

OnTheFly said:


> Did you meet a new guy on the ''chat'' job?


LOL

OP, there is nothing redeeming about your husband. NOTHING

NONE of this is your fault. No normal person would excuse his behavior.

It is time to leave.


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## BarbedFenceRider

Callingquits said:


> Right- why doesnt he get into porn...... he even took me on a surprise Vegas trip to the AVN awards. Adult porn convention to try to pimp me out so I could get into porn..... even when I told him I didn’t wanna be a porn star...... and he said.... I thought it would make you feel sexy and wanted....


I don't even know, where to start with this.....


I take my wife places where she would think that "I" make her feel sexy and wanted. Not the porn industry....Just sayin'


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## Callingquits

No I did not. The guys on there aren’t any better then what I’ve been dealing with in my marriage.


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## Callingquits

I feel bad throwing him out with out a place to go or job. I realize it’s to long.


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## MJJEAN

Callingquits said:


> I feel bad throwing him out with out a place to go or job. I realize it’s to long.


Not your problem.

You need to file ASAP. The longer he's unemployed the better claim he has on alimony. If you wait, you'll be at risk for paying him. Anything you pay him takes away from your kids, so file ASAP.


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## Callingquits

No im not having sex with him. He hasn’t even seen me naked since vegas. And I can’t tell you how happy it makes me that he isn’t even touching me!!! For 20 years I’ve dealt with he groped non stop even in public. Doing something like driving in the car and he has his hands on my boobs nonstop..... even when I ask him to stop.... he doesn’t care. Now that we are getting a divorce I’ve pointed all these things out to him and he says “I can’t believe this I thought i was making you feel sexy and wanted” I said I’ve told you so many times I don’t like it!!! And he followed up with “I thoughtyou were being funny and did like it!”


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## BarbedFenceRider

OP is doing it again....She is defending him. Sorry for throwing him out. And the without a job thing....Really?!


You need to use some of the tools here on the site to get your spine back. And, you will see that you have self worth and peace in your life. You just have to take it. 

Maybe the dude has a smidgen of good in him. But the BAD outway that completely. You need to start the 180 and detach. Find your OWN life and start finding happiness. Forget that "it was 20 years" crap....So what, you have another 20 years to write your OWN story. 

Just a macabre view here....If he THINKS you are good looking enought to due porn movies, most likely you will have NO TROUBLE picking out a good apple when you are free from this leach on your life. And with your sense of good self worth and a straight moral compass, you will do fine.


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## Callingquits

That’s one of the reasons I’m trying to give him time to get on his feet. I don’t have money to pay alimony to him. I can’t afford to support 2 separate households. I want to stop doing the web cams that I’ve been forced to do and once I quit, I’ll take an income loss. So my thinking is if I’m civil and give him time to save and move, then things in the divorce might go smoother.


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## 3Xnocharm

Callingquits said:


> I feel bad throwing him out with out a place to go or job. I realize it’s to long.


Not your problem. He is a grown man and responsible for himself. Where or how he ends up is completely up to him, and if he doesnt have a damn thing, there is no one to blame but himself for that.


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## 3Xnocharm

Callingquits said:


> That’s one of the reasons I’m trying to give him time to get on his feet. I don’t have money to pay alimony to him. I can’t afford to support 2 separate households. I want to stop doing the web cams that I’ve been forced to do and once I quit, I’ll take an income loss. So my thinking is if I’m civil and give him time to save and move, then things in the divorce might go smoother.


I am pretty positive you wont have to pay alimony, he is capable of working a job and is choosing not to. Now if he was unable to work due to disability or something, then yeah... but I am pretty sure even if you DID have to pay something, it would be very temporary.


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## BarbedFenceRider

Don't count on him saving money....It will be another "I don't know where it all went?" excuses. 

Let him use the salvation army and a half way house. Being forced into sexual situations that you do not want is tatamount to rape.. (Ladies....Tell me I'm wrong here)


Drop him like he's hot! Just for info, what state are you residing in? Legal issues and all.


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## SongoftheSouth

you should be angry and mad. Your man has completely fumbled his responsibilities as a man. Rid yourself of him.


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## Married but Happy

He wants to be your pimp, not your loving husband. It's past time to escape this toxic "relationship."


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## Casual Observer

Callingquits said:


> That’s one of the reasons I’m trying to give him time to get on his feet. I don’t have money to pay alimony to him. I can’t afford to support 2 separate households. I want to stop doing the web cams that I’ve been forced to do and once I quit, I’ll take an income loss. So my thinking is if I’m civil and give him time to save and move, then things in the divorce might go smoother.


Webcams? I was trying to figure out how you were managing to make ends meet, with 3 kids, rebuilding everything after losing it all in 2009, and a husband who's a negative asset. You need a lot more than a divorce. You've gone down a rabbit hole such that the version of you from 20 years ago wouldn't recognize you now. Have you figured out how to get back to where you want to be? Or that might be moving the story too far. Have you figured out who the person you want to be... is? You have either gone into survival mode or adapted to a hugely different lifestyle and standards than the norm.

As for alimony, I suspect at least some of what you've been doing for money is under the table and won't come up as income. Which brings up something else. In a divorce, if he's going to try and prove you have money, income that you haven't paid taxes on could be exposed, creating a significant tax liability.

I wish you the best.


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## MattMatt

Choking. Sorry. That did it for me.

Divorce. And the police as you are a victim of abuse.


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## Callingquits

You’re 100% right 20 years ago I never would of believed how my life has turned out!!! I actually made enough on the webcams to be taxed so none of it is under the table. 
And you’re right I have been in survival mode and I’m not proud of the web cam it’s pretty disgusting..... that’s why I have not let him push me further into other sites.... or porn.


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## Prodigal

Okay, @Callingquits, let me comment on your situation as a spouse who had not one but TWO alcoholic husbands. 

You are not responsible for anyone else. You are responsible for yourself. You are responsible for your children until they reach 18. However, 18 or not, you CANNOT control anyone else's outcome based on their own decisions.

Right now you are playing the major-guilt-card. The thing is, addicts of all shapes, colors, and flavors can play the quintessential victim to the hilt. Your husband is a loser. Your husband is a screw-up. Your husband is an albatross hanging around your neck.

Need I make myself any clearer? Lose the guilt-card. Take responsibility for yourself. To hell with this bum of a husband you have. Why? Because you were given one very short, precious life to live. So quit feeling guilty. BE PROACTIVE. SEE AN ATTORNEY TO GET YOUR DUCKS IN A ROW.

Trust me, because I've had a boatload of experience in this area. Your life will be one million times better the sooner you get your husband out of your life. Seriously.


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## She'sStillGotIt

3Xnocharm said:


> I am pretty positive you wont have to pay alimony, he is capable of working a job and is choosing not to. Now if he was unable to work due to disability or something, then yeah... but I am pretty sure even if you DID have to pay something, it would be very temporary.


Actually, does this loser honestly think he won't be on the hook for SOME kind of child support for the kids he's refused to support for the last how many years, now? See, you were willing to pick up the slack FOR this lazy degenerate and feed and clothe the kids he REFUSES to support while the parasite lived off you. But once you finally rid yourself of him, does he just assume his financial responsibility ends there?

Because in most cases with men who are capable of working but refuse to, the child support offices will simply use his last known job income as a base to assign an approximate amount that he COULD be earning if he weren't so worthless. And they'll assign a monthly amount of child support based on those proposed earnings that he'll be liable to pay, regardless of whether he wants to work or not. What a self entitled piece of ****.

I predict a rosy future for this loser. He'll always be dodging the authorities, have his license taken away, he'll always be in arrears for thousands of dollars, have multiple warrants out for his arrest, he'll never have two pennies to rub together or a legal asset to call his own because child support will be sure to put a lien on it (or Hoover it up if he ever files a LEGAL tax return). It's more than likely he'll just stay under the radar and expect others to support him, or work under the table so he doesn't have to send you money to support his kids.

But you go ahead and 'feel bad' for a grown ass man who thinks it's fine to pimp his wife out because he's too damned good to put in an *honest* day's work to support his family. You go ahead and continue pandering to him and feeling 'bad' for him. One day you'll SEE what a complete piece of **** he is and then you'll wonder why on earth you wasted one scrap of empathy on him.

*ETA*: And don't worry about Laughing Boy fighting you for custody or you not being able to see your kids for 50% of the time once he's gone. I doubt he can adequately provide a suitable home for his kids to live in when he's living in refrigerator boxes under bridges, or couch surfing at a friend's house once you're rid of him. Besides, kids are a buzz kill for lazy ass-holes like him, the LAST thing he wants to do is be responsible for their care and welfare.


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## BluesPower

Callingquits said:


> You’re 100% right 20 years ago I never would of believed how my life has turned out!!! I actually made enough on the webcams to be taxed so none of it is under the table.
> And you’re right I have been in survival mode and I’m not proud of the web cam it’s pretty disgusting..... that’s why I have not let him push me further into other sites.... or porn.


Listen, I want you to re-read this to yourself a 1000 times... 

If you don't get away from him a future post may say, "yeah I did some porn to make money but I did not do that anal gangbang at least..." 

See how that works. 

You have to get him away from you and re-evaluate your life at ever level... 

The way that he has brain washed you is REALLY THAT serious...


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## Faithful Wife

4.5 months prison sentence for bank robbery?


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## Diana7

MattMatt said:


> Choking. Sorry. That did it for me.
> 
> Divorce. And the police as you are a victim of abuse.


That was my thought.:surprise:
You had a man who was forcing you to do things that you hated, even though you repeatedly told him not to, isnt that classed as rape? Choking you? Good grief, even without the drug taking and drug dealing and robbery and laziness, that's more than enough to have ended this marriages years ago.

You may not want to tell your children but surely they are seeing a bad role model. 

In your position I would have asked him to leave ages ago, he is an abusive man with nothing to offer. 

Please don't do the webcam stuff, or the phone stuff, its demeaning for a women.


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## Faithful Wife

I'm pretty sure the prison sentence for *bank robbery* is going to be more than 4.5 months.


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## Callingquits

You would think it would be longer right..... but it wasn’t!


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## sokillme

Callingquits said:


> Where do I start... I’ve been married for almost 21 years. I have 3 children and I want a divorce.
> My husband claims to love me and says he will never stop loving me that I am the love of his life...
> my story is LONG sand could be made into a Sunday night movie-
> I grew up very religious and had never been sexually involved with anyone. Got married when I was 20 and things seemed great. My husband was going to school and things were on track for a good life.
> 5 years into the marriage my husband started doing drugs.... he says he stared doing drugs because he didn’t feel close me and I spent more time taking care of the kids then showing him affection... he went through rehab, I thought he was better although he 5 years later I ended up finding he was still taking pills and selling them.
> After the intial drug problem I pretty much told him that anytime he wanted sex he could have it, now I realize I’ve set myself up for him to view me as a sex doll. I’ve always tried hard to Please him sexually... but it’s just not me! I don’t like doing the things to him that he wants done. I think I’m the 21 years we’ve been married we’ve made love 2 times. Although we have sex every night- he chokes me and does stuff to me I don’t like even when I tell him I don’t like it.... he still does it.
> 
> He then did a bunch of sketchy investments and we lost everything in 2009 house and cars, filed bankruptcy.
> 
> He’s been fired multiple times “never his fault”
> 5 years ago one of my relatives had their house robbed all signs pointed to him that he was responsible for it.... he was gone the night it happened, made some sketchy remarks and had reason to rob them. 3 months after that he was aressted for a bank robbery “that he was framed for” once again all evidence points to him!!! He spent 4.5 months in jail, I was going to get a divorce then but didn’t want to hurt the kids.
> 
> The last 6 years my husband has not had a job. He says he “takes care of our children” who are all in school full time....
> 
> I seemed to be ok with that- then a year and half ago I joined a site where you get paid to chat to men. I was making good money... My husband for a year now has been pushing me to do porn, saying look how much money we could make and how many vacations we could take. While he sits home and does nothing to contribute financially. I support my family and yet he would not stop pressing me to do porn!!!!
> 
> There’s so much more but I don’t want to make this to long....
> *
> I’ve had enough.... I’m tired, I’m worn out, I want someone to love me and take care of me for once. I want to feel safe and protected, I want to be proud of my husband.... I’m tired of making excuses for the man I’m married too!!! *
> 
> Please share your thoughts I’m open to hearing them all.....


Um then ****ing divorce his ass! Pretty simple.


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## SongoftheSouth

Faithful Wife said:


> 4.5 months prison sentence for bank robbery?


Wondering about that myself. How could it be such a short sentence ?


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## Callingquits

SongoftheSouth said:


> Wondering about that myself. How could it be such a short sentence ?


He got a really good lawyer. He hadn’t had any offenses so the judge went way easy gave him 6 months he gotcout early on good behavior. So 4.5 months in jail.


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## EleGirl

The fact that you did not leave him years ago pretty much indicates that you are so beat down that you cannot think straight. I'm not trying to be mean... just being real here.

You need a support system there in real life that can help you break away from this guy, ASAP.

You are in a abusive relationship. The sex life you describe is frightening. Him now trying to push you into doing porn just adds to the level of "scary". He's been using you for some time now to support him, for an outlet for his sick sexual proclivities. Now he wants to push you into the thing that will finally completely destroy you... doing porn. And when you finally fall apart completely he'll move on to some other women he can treat this way.

I'm going to post what's called an 'exit plan'. You can customize it to your own situation. Make your plan and then work it one step at a time. Then one day not so long from you, you will have reached the very last stop.... serving him divorce papers (figuratively you 'walking out the door and never looking back').

The first and most important step is to call the domestic violence hotline and make an appointment with an organization near you. They will help you navigate your way out of the hell you are living in right now. Do not try to do this alone. Also, there could be legal issues that they can help you figure out such has how to record the abuse and how it can help to mitigate any alimony obligation in your divorce. 

You need a lwaryer too. Find the best one in your area.

Ok, I'll post the exit plan next.


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## EleGirl

Call 911 and they will help you get away.

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

========================================

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps. 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

Get a support system:


* Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling. 

* Also check into legal aid in your area.

* Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.

* Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 

* Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:

*** your mail from the ‘safe address’

*** All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account

*** Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.

*** Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 

*** Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 

*** Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 

*** Titles, deeds and other property information 

*** Medical records

*** Children's school and immunization records

*** Insurance information

*** Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 

*** Welfare identification

*** Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions

Financial Plan

Consider getting a job as soon as you can if you do not already have one. This will give you access to money and independence.


Your safety Plan: this is so that you can leave immediately if things get out of hand.

* Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 

* Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.

* If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 

* Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 

* Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 

* You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 

* Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you. 

* If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 

* Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 

* Hide an extra set of car keys. 

* Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 

* Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 

* Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 

* Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 

* Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 

* Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate. 

After Leaving the Abusive Relationship 

If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving: 


* Change your locks and phone number. 

* Change your work hours and route taken to work. 

* Change the route taken to transport children to school. 

* Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 

* Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 

* Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 

* Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 

* If you leave: 

* Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 

* Change your work hours, if possible. 

* Alert school authorities of the situation. 

* Consider changing your children's schools. 

* Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 

* Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 

* Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 

* Talk to trusted people about the violence. 

* Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 

* Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 

* Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 

* Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.


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