# need your help



## just40bp (Mar 19, 2011)

Short story Dday July 8, 2008. She never told whole truth, decided to R. Problem, she told me she is going on a cruise w/her mom. She would never go on a cruise w/me. I'm pissed because I used to ask all the time. I called bs and thinking of telling her heck no. Never told me all so no trust. I don't go, you dont go. What do I say, I'm still so hurt by her thought process and seaming to not care what I might feel by her actions. Help please.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Can you sit down her and explain your feelings?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> Can you sit down her and explain your feelings?


Just my two cents, but I agree that you should tell her how you feel - calmly and rationally, with a passive aggressive approach.

If it were me, I would avoid giving ultimatums and painting myself in a corner. You might consider saying something to the effect:

"If you elect to go on that cruise without me, knowing how hurtful that is to me, I'll be disappointed in you more than I can say. I would love for you and I to go, or your mother could go with us, so I am hoping that you will reconsider that decision."

Don't fall into the trap and let her know the consequences of her decision. If she asks, you can tell her I don't know, I'd have to consider it for a while.

If she still goes, you now have an idea how committed she is to the marriage and that's not a bad thing. You'll then have some time to sort out your thoughts. You'll still have the option of doing the same thing you would have done if you demanded she not go and she refused to obey you. All the time while not coming off as such a controlling a-hole in the process.


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## just40bp (Mar 19, 2011)

OK< so we sat down and I explained how I felt. Here is more info on the situation. My wife's mom recently lost her husband to cancer. He was her fourth marriage. She asked my wife to go on this cruise with her and my wife agreed without even asking me how I felt. Well a few years ago I won a cruise that was 10 days long and covered everything by the company. My wife told me she would not go because she was afraid she would get sea sick. I told her there were meds for that but she said no. I gave the trip to the runner up, only right thing to do. So she finally tells me about this trip and I reminded her about her sea sickness and she said she has already seen a DR. about it, and that the plans have been made and she can not get out. I was pissed and let her know. She said she was truly sorry for hurting me but I need to trust her and she is not the same person she was back then. I can tell by her frequent attemps at sex and over compensating that she knows I am mad at her for still going. She left on Thursday for eight days. She also stated that she would not be taking her bikini, which she told me after she had packed that she did have one just incase. She also told me she was leaving her wedding band because she did not want anyone to rob her if she left port and went shopping. When I hit the ceiling and said it must be a no rings no strings cruise she went and bought a cheap cz ring to wear just so people would know she was married. Ok so here is the deal, she started her monthly the day she left. Someone please tell me have I just gone off the deep end here and lost my mind and over reacted to the whole situation or am I being played. I don't know what to think.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Anyone else smell cheating? One of the most difficult places to verify.

No wedding ring??? Red flag red flag red flag.

Too late but if I had money I woulda hired a PI and bought a cheap inside cabin...

Edit 80. Did you verify mom is indeed on the ship?


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

What was mom's response to the infidelity?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

So, she's been nothing but faithful for 5 yrs? If so, the main problem would be the one you pointed out. She didn't bother to confer with you. That was a BIG mistake. 

How is her relationship with her mom? Perhaps she was trying hard to please her? - no excuse but could be an explanation - some children remain childish in their attempts to please a parent. 

also, what was the nature of the 2008 affair? ONS? or a lengthy affair? With who? someone known to you and in your social circle?

I wouldn't automatically suspect chicanery. Not right away anyway.


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## just40bp (Mar 19, 2011)

Don't have pics back from cruise but friended on FB "without them knowing the network that gave away the trip" pics are to be updated daily by the network. I will be looking. Do have a text pic of her and mom on plane to boat. Not much other. So I am not nuts?


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## just40bp (Mar 19, 2011)

Mom said at Christmas that she understands my hurt known from her own past marriages.


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## just40bp (Mar 19, 2011)

I never got to talk with my friend that said he had proof he died a week after he called me. He took his own life and I am not sure that it was not him. After he died she sat in bed and cried for two months. Pretty sure nothing since then and almost certain it was him. But I will never know unless she says so.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> She also told me she was leaving her wedding band behind


 !RED FLAG!

Oh, my. This is not good.


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## just40bp (Mar 19, 2011)

OK, so lets pull the infidelity off the table how should I react to this, I am so mad I want to leave but my kids have no clue that any of this is going on. And I just cant see doing this to them. Should I leave when she returns.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

I don't understand why her and her mom had to go on a cruise without you. Why could you not go with them?

Her fourth husband died, so she has to go on a cruise alone with your wife? Makes no sense.

I have known many married people who died? The widows and widowers, to the best of my knowledge, never went on a cruise (to celebrate?) afterward.

Why would your mother-in-law want it this way this knowing your past problems with her daughter, your wife? Why would she want to cause trouble in her daughter's marriage? Why would your wife want to cause trouble in her own marriage>

The whole situation seems very, very odd to me.


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## just40bp (Mar 19, 2011)

Mother in Law won the cruise for two, I was not informed in time or even asked to go. By the time I knew I would not have been able to go due to work.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

I was brought up to believe that when you get married, your primary responsibility is to your spouse.

I honestly don't see what is so important about this cruise. It's not a life or death situation. Faced with the choice of a cruise with my mother or staying behind with my wife who I cheated on, I would tell mom to find another cruise partner and mom could spend all the time she wants with me at my home or hers, with my wife. My wife is number one.


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## just40bp (Mar 19, 2011)

I have no clue why my wife would want to cause trouble in our marriage but she could care less when it comes to involving me in a getaway.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

just40bp said:


> Mother in Law won the cruise for two, I was not informed in time or even asked to go. By the time I knew I would not have been able to go due to work.


.
You know this for a _fact_, or is it what your wife told you?

ETA- Did you confirm this with your MIL?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Could you give us some background on the previous infidelity and how you 2 handled it?


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## just40bp (Mar 19, 2011)

Yes I know for a fact she won the cruise.


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## just40bp (Mar 19, 2011)

On previous infidelity wife swears she never had an affair. I have lots of trips she has taken and not been where she said she would be, also have places and receipts, but without the hard proof and her not admitting to me or mc I cant get her to budge. She would not stay in MC and will not go back. Its a waste of her time. Her words. My words then I am a waste of your time. She walked off.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

1. She really doesn't care too much about you.

2. She really thinks you won't leave her.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> 1. She really doesn't care too much about you.
> 
> 2. She really thinks you won't leave her.



:iagree::iagree:

Have to agree with this.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Just what are you trying to save here? I'm with WK, she doesn't give a sh!t about you. I would suggest filing and start giving even less of a sh!t about her.

Life's too short for this.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I'm all for r but you have every right to be p!ssed. I see zero respect from her end.


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## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

Marriage is a privilege, not a right. You don't have to prove anything to divorce.


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## just40bp (Mar 19, 2011)

Honestly, I am just so tired of the hurt I want it over.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

i am confused! You say you are in R, yet she hasn't admitted anything, won't give you any details, won't continue with MC...

This does not sound like R to me -but more like you are just living with a rug sweeping wayward wife. What exactly was D day to you as it sounds like you don't even know what really happened yet, and just are living with a lot of suspicions - which after almost 5 years - no wonder you are tired of it and wany it over. Thats a lot of rug sweeping years!!


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

A woman that cries for 2 mo's over her lover, but won't comfort her hubby is no wife my man.

You are being played !!

have you read that long list Chapparal post about what a ws can expect, an do ???

Read it. ndd if she is not doing these things, Bro, you are NOT in R.

If I was you, I would txt her that you will be seeing a lawyer to start the D., and her clothes will be packed for her to take to her mom's when she return.

DAMNNNNNN, woman ttell you she taking a trip to one place, but ALWAYS end up somewhere else, then lie about it.

Can I ask, how can YOU explain to yourself this bull enough to stay ???


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

You need to file for divorce, but if you do make sure you stick with it. Inform your wife after you've already filed so she has some time to absorb. Actually I don't see any reason why you shouldn't just have her served. Show her the same amount of respect she's shown for you. Which is pretty much nothing.

But it's clear she's not going to respect you until it looks like YOU'RE the one who doesn't need HER. Because everything I'm reading says she's the captain of the ship and your hanging on barely with a rope and a blow up floater.. You need to get that garbage out of her head pronto.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Jasel said:


> You need to file for divorce, but if you do make sure you stick with it. Inform your wife after you've already filed so she has some time to absorb. Actually I don't see any reason why you shouldn't just have her served. Show her the same amount of respect she's shown for you. Which is pretty much nothing.
> 
> But it's clear she's not going to respect you until it looks like YOU'RE the one who doesn't need HER. Because everything I'm reading says she's the captain of the ship and your hanging on barely with a rope and a blow up floater.. You need to get that garbage out of her head pronto.


:iagree::iagree:


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Does your wife work? Do you pay all the bills?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

just40bp said:


> My wife's mom recently lost her husband to cancer. He was her fourth marriage.


I'm going to guess that your mother-in-law doesn't have much respect for the sanctity of marriage. My wife's parents are the same way. Marriage is great, as long as it's convenient. When it stops being convenient, it's time to move on to the next spouse.



just40bp said:


> She asked my wife to go on this cruise with her and my wife agreed without even asking me how I felt.


That shows you how much she considers your feelings.



just40bp said:


> Well a few years ago I won a cruise that was 10 days long and covered everything by the company. My wife told me she would not go because she was afraid she would get sea sick.


Sure. What woman wants to go on a romantic trip with a man she's not into?



just40bp said:


> So she finally tells me about this trip and I reminded her about her sea sickness and she said she has already seen a DR. about it, and that the plans have been made and she can not get out.


Life is all about priorities. She's showing you hers.



just40bp said:


> I was pissed and let her know. She said she was truly sorry for hurting me but I need to trust her and she is not the same person she was back then. I can tell by her frequent attemps at sex and over compensating that she knows I am mad at her for still going. She left on Thursday for eight days.


She said she was truly sorry ... and then she left. I'm sure she was sorry. At least, as sorry as someone can be without actually changing their plans.



just40bp said:


> She also stated that she would not be taking her bikini, which she told me after she had packed that she did have one just incase.


Didn't take her bikini? That was awfully nice of her. You must feel loads better knowing that she will be forced to strut her stuff in a one-piece or a bikini bought on the ship.



just40bp said:


> She also told me she was leaving her wedding band because she did not want anyone to rob her if she left port and went shopping.


Is this cruise to Somalia?



just40bp said:


> Someone please tell me have I just gone off the deep end here and lost my mind and over reacted to the whole situation or am I being played. I don't know what to think.


Nope. You're not overreacting. There are a few possibilities. First, she and her mother are looking to get out and have some fun with some men on a cruise. It's a Girls Night Out for a week on the high seas! What happens on a cruise ship, stays on a cruise ship. You know her mother better than we do. So, you can tell whether she is someone who would encourage her daughter to cheat, or at least not work to prevent it. That will determine how likely this scenario is.

Second, she's telling you the truth. She wants to get her mother's mind off her husband's death and you're just not important enough to her to change her plans.

If you really want to reconcile, then you need to work to set your boundaries. It seems the others are right. You just swept the affair(s) under the rug and now you've spent 5 years in agony. If you want to get serious about moving on, then either file, or tell her she answers a polygraph or you file.

Good luck.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Phtlump, she decided to take the bikini at the last minute. "Just in case"


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

just40bp said:


> *Honestly, I am just so tired of the hurt I want it over.*


Dear just40bp,

I've read all of your threads and what is quite clear is that your wife has absolutely no respect for you. But why should she? You take all of her sh*t so she just dishes out more -- and you take that, too!

You have a decision to make. Do you stay with her for the sake of your children and suffer all of the disrespect and indignities, or do you say, "I've had enough," and file for divorce?

It's your decision; it's your life. How do you want to live it?

Good luck.


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