# Suggestions for dealing with loneliness?



## Kassi (11 mo ago)

My husband moved out early December, we are currently proceeding through the divorce process. Our marriage had gotten progressively worse for several years. We tried marriage counselling. It helped, but was slow and expensive. There were problems with alcohol, porn, emotional unavailability (on both sides), intimacy, resentment (on my side), and just gradually viewing him with increased resentment and distaste. Eventually, my general dislike showed through, though I tried to hide it and be a good wife. We had a big fight about finances (which wasn't really the problem), and he figured out that I was deeply angry and resentful. So he moved out. We have a daughter, she is 5. I hope we can somehow reconcile and build something new together. But I don't want what we had back.

Does anyone have any tips for dealing with the loneliness of divorce? I'm in Texas, and my family is on the West Coast. I have a couple friends locally, they are kind, but busy with family life. My coworkers are courteous, but we are not close. Other than my daughter, I don't get much human interaction, and very little physical touch. I miss my husband, but I'm not sure if I miss him, or just having a person to share my days with. Its been a few weeks since the last time I got a hug from anyone who isn't in kindergarten. How do grown ups make friends?

I reread my post, and it sounds angry. I'm more confused than angry. I'm just starting to add words like "alcoholism" and "denial" to my narrative, and they are difficult words to fit in. But, the drinking has largely stopped, since he doesn't want to risk custody. Divorce is confusing. I think everyone on this board knows that. But, my primary question is still about how to increase my limited social circle.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Kassi said:


> Does anyone have any tips for dealing with the loneliness of divorce?


DO things, keep busy. I hit the gym, daily. I volunteered at my church. I worked, a lot. I joined a couple of bible classes.

Anything to keep myself from having free time so I couldn't just sit and think about my situation.

Time heals, but it takes time of course.




Kassi said:


> But, my primary question is still about how to increase my limited social circle.


Volunteer, join a bible class, take a class for fun. None of these things need to be things you'd do necessarily at other points in your life. To me, it wasn't the class itself or what the bible class topic was for that class, it's that I was doing things, I was out with people and not sitting alone lost in my own head.

The people you'll interact with over the next several months don't have to be folks you'll end up being life long friends with, though that may happen with one or two, who knows?

I just wanted to be doing things. I went to ask our pastor what were the things she wasn't able to find any takers for? I did some of them, just to be doing things, to get myself out of the house and from being alone.

Before long, time had passed and things became easier.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

The key to combating loneliness is keeping busy. My suggestions: 

1, Get a new hobby you enjoy 

2. Consider a pet

3. Work overtime or get a side hustle. Everybody's hiring so why not work a 2nd PT job & sock the money away? 

4. Volunteer somewhere doing something you enjoy 

5. Get involved in your HOA or Church 

6. Check out your alumni associations 

7. Exercise

8. Use technology to Zoom or facetime far away friends & family 

9, get involved in a business or industry group 

10 join a bookclub 

11. play a sport 

12, become a "regular" somewhere


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

A lot of relationship books talk about Getting a Life, which are code words for getting active. Exercise is especially recommended, as it is an anti-depressant. Most working people when they hear exercise, say they don't have the time. The key it to work it into your life. You have a 5-year old. Take her for walks, even if it is raining. Or go for a walk within a shopping mall. When the weather is nicer either get her a bicycle or one of those protective bike seats that fit about the rear tire on a bike and a good MIPS helmet. Take her on short hikes or go walking in parks. There are lots of couch to 5 kilometer run training programs that start out walking. Most of the charity 5 k's I have competed in have "kid's runs and often allow kids to walk/jog with their parents. Many even allow jogging strollers. 

Since you say, you would like it if you could get your marriage fixed, may I suggest you get and read the book by M.W. David Divorce Busting. It will give you some ideas on how you can change your life, do 180's and other things that might save you marriage. However, ultimately you can't save it by yourself, your husband will need to work on repairing things.

Good luck to you.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

single mom raising a five year old is going to have a hard time.
maybe consider moving back to CA, so mom and dad can spell you once in a while with the kid? with everyone LEAVING CA, it should be relatively easy to find a job there.

One thing that helps a lot is bonding with other parents of five year olds! is there a way you can volunteer at the school to develop new friendships with the parents there? 

Are there any local kind of "playdates" groups in your area, where your kid can meet others, and simultaneously you can meet other moms?


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## Kassi (11 mo ago)

Talker67 said:


> single mom raising a five year old is going to have a hard time.
> maybe consider moving back to CA, so mom and dad can spell you once in a while with the kid? with everyone LEAVING CA, it should be relatively easy to find a job there.
> 
> One thing that helps a lot is bonding with other parents of five year olds! is there a way you can volunteer at the school to develop new friendships with the parents there?
> ...


Unfortunately, per our current agreement with the courts, moving closer to my family is not an option. I have to stay within 50 miles of our current county. I was previously working part time with a long commute (1.5 hrs each way). I have increased my hours at work, the hours are flexible, but the commute is substantial. I am currently looking for a full time job close to home. Which makes volunteering at the school tougher, though, I agree this is a good idea.

Maybe I need to figure out how to stay in my current position a little longer so I can make time to volunteer in her classroom. Money will be tight. Starting next month I just get child support. But it might be worth asking for some financial help from family in the short run. Its a thought.

Play dates during the summer are absolutely doable, though it is hard to find time during the school year. She is in after school care until 6 pm, and with dad every other weekend. That is an interesting perspective. Instead of trying to fill the time when I don't have her with grown-up time, instead build my social life around her. I would be spending time with people I have more in common with that way.


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> The key to combating loneliness is keeping busy. My suggestions:
> 
> 1, Get a new hobby you enjoy
> 
> ...


i think this is a fabulous way to start, not to mention exciting. You have to put this behind you which is not going to be easy, but engaging through these activities will provide you with a lot of support, and a new social circle perhaps. So you can start on a new leg of your journey of life.


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