# How can I decrease my libido?



## nickester (Mar 19, 2013)

Hi all,

Not sure if any male has ever wanted to decrease his libido but I feel like I need to. 
A bit about myself:

I'm a 28 yo male with a girlfriend of 2 years. Physically fit and normal looking. In all of my three serious relationships, including my current one, I have always given it my all in the relationship. I would authentically do things for my significant other without any kind of agenda or motive. I show my affection in any way that I can physical and non-physical. For example I'm the type to hold hands, hug, small kisses on the forehead, spontaneously surprise her with my cooking skills, send her cards for various occasions (apologizing, trying to cheer her up), taking her out to events and dinner, helping her with a lot of her own issues... just basically in my mind trying to be the best I can be.

When it comes to anything sexual, I am always the one to initiate. I have tried to initiate directly and indirectly. More often than not, I get rejected. In one relationship, the female would only be interested if she was drunk. She was never comfortable with her body. In the current relationship, she has mentioned that she would be comfortable just having sex once a month. I have tried talking it out with all three females but none of them are every open to discussing that subject. I have asked if I was doing anything wrong? The answer to this is usually "no, there's nothing wrong". The only useful answer I ever received was that I have a higher libido than her.

Over the course of my last two and current third relationship, I have noticed myself becoming very hesitant to initiate anymore. Unfortunately I am slowly growing to become sick of women. This is not to say that I am becoming interested in men but that I'm just tired of what I have dealt with thus far with females. I just don't know what to do. I have looked for ways to improve myself in terms of character, health and physical looks but nothing seems to work. Everyone says that I'm a "nice" guy and i'm starting to hate that adjective. All her girlfriends are so jealous of our relationship because they all see me as being so good to her and are envious that they don't have a similar relationship. But of course they do not know the sexual side of the relationship.

I get strong urges and try as hard as I might not to masturbate but more recently it's becoming frequent that I resort to porn to release my sexual stress. I don't initiate any more; have basically given up on that with her. I wait to see if she makes any advances but it has been about three months and nothing. Yet, when she sees a good looking actor or model on tv or magazine, she's quick to say things like "I'd so do him" in the company of her friends. This has made me feel inadequate and I ask her if there's something wrong about me and she says that it's just her, she doesn't have urges or not in the mood.

I'm just so frustrated because this issue has become a recurring thing with all my serious relationships and I'm trying to find my faults and fix them but nothing is working. I have come to the conclusion that I just have a very high libido and I need to find some way to decrease it in a healthy manner. I feel that by doing this, I may be able to have a happy future with my future wife.

In the end I end up feeling that I'm just a bank, an emotional sponge and just not good enough for females.

I know I've rambled quite a bit but I would love to hear some positive criticism.

Am I doing something wrong in my relationships?
Am I doing too much?
Should I just settle with the idea that in a marriage, I would most likely have to take care of myself (sexually) because most females are just not interested in sex?
If decreasing my libido is the answer, has anyone successfully done so without just waiting for testosterone levels to decline with age?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

1 - Since you have had three serious relationships, you can obviously attract women.

2 - Since all three relationships seem to falter in the sex department, my conclusion is that (a) you attract women who are not sexually compatible with you or (b) you try so hard that these women see that they get a lot of good man without the necessity of sex.

3 - You stop initiating so women see this as acceptance of the status quo.

4 - You view masturbation or reducing your libido, and not solving this with your girlfriend, as solutions.

A fulfilling, intimate sexual relationship is necessary in most relationships. It sounds like it is for you. If that's the case, you must make this point to your girlfriend. Otherwise, eventually masturbation will just lead to resentment and frustration and all those "nice" things you do for her will start to disappear, and your relationship along with them.

Initiate, initiate, initiate. Make her say no. Weeks, months or years from now, when the relationship heads south you don't want her saying "well, you stopped asking for sex." Don't stop.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Nick,

While i agree with Chris on most of his points, I think that the most important one is that you keep winding up with Low Drive (LD) women and you're more of a High Drive (HD) guy.

Sorry but I would lose this one as fast as possible and find someone whose drive more closely matches your own. Thank God there's no kids involved!

If you hang around here long enough at TAM you'll see that your problem is a very common one. Unfortunately, most of the folks here (both men and women0 who have the same issue are married or have kids and can't just walk away. You're lucky because if you can't resolve this, YOU CAN WALK AWAY.

I am nowt aware of many cases here where a LD person changed to a HD one unless there were specific physical issues (hormone imbalance, etc) that had changed them from a HD to a LD.

Guess what I'm saying is that I don't believe that (in most cases) a zebra can change their stripes. Some may suceed in lightening them for a while but they often over time go back to what they are comfortable with.

Just my 0.2 cents


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

Yeah i wouldnt suggest trying to "decrease your libido".
Thats kinda like trying to take the claws off a live tiger. 
I would, however, suggest finding a tiger with similar stripes. As in a partner that is somewhat closer to your own drive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

My formula for reducing libido would be to deal with a partner who sexually rejects you all the time, who may have a low actual sex drive. However if it is a celebrity or status person they would have sex with them. Over time your libido will be reduced.


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## mad6r (Dec 31, 2012)

You can find other ways to burn off that energy you have, i.e. cycling, or running. I used to think the same thing about lowering my libido but I got a bike and started riding for miles and miles. It clears the head and it used up all the extra energy I had.
Good luck!


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Learn some game.

Not to be a jerk but there are ways to subtly coerce sex out of your woman. Like making her jealous of other women, as one example. 

Did all 3 relationships start out with a lot of sex and then it just dwindled? That could be the result of too much comfort in the relationship, which is a result of you being too nice.

Happily Ever After = Entropy Ever After: Your Fantasy Of Getting The Right Girl Redefined! - YouTube


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

High drive women exist all over, we are not unicorns you know 

Maybe its something you should discuss before becoming so emotionally invested in a relationship. I know when I start dating again that a sex talk will come up before we ever get freaky. I'm not getting stuck with a normal drive guy again let alone low/no drive. That's a deal breaker for me and something I'm willing to wait for however long it takes.

If you have patience then I suggest you do the same  In my opinion it will be worth the wait.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

There are women out there that love sex. I think you need to do less and work to find someone with a drive more compatible to yours.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Read up on "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Man's Sex Life Primer". See if they're talking about you. Look into counseling to see why you keep making the same mistakes expecting a different response. The problem isn't your libido. The problem is your people picker and relationship maintenance skills. Even a woman who is a sexual freak to begin with can lose interest in the wrong relationship.

C


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And define "high libido". Once a day? Once a week? Once a month?

As far as your current GF, she's apparently interested in sex, just not sex with YOU. She can't be too much clearer on that.

C


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> Learn some game.
> 
> Not to be a jerk but there are ways to subtly coerce sex out of your woman. Like making her jealous of other women, as one example.
> 
> ...


"Nice" is a great thing, but "too nice" over time reduces the sparks. I guess we have to up some "game" to keep the one's we love deeply interested. Alternate some "game" with your niceness and really blow her away.

Also making her jealous to other women is a great way for her to claim her man. You will find it is the fastest and easiest way possible.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Your problem isn't libido, it's that the women you meet decide to stop having sex with you.

I'm thinking you're just not all that good in bed.

Good news is that it's fixable. Start reading about what women like.

You'll quickly realize your shortcomings and how to fix them.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

> I'm a 28 yo male with a girlfriend of 2 years. Physically fit and normal looking. In all of my three serious relationships, including my current one, I have always given it my all in the relationship. I would authentically do things for my significant other without any kind of agenda or motive. I show my affection in any way that I can physical and non-physical. For example I'm the type to hold hands, hug, small kisses on the forehead, spontaneously surprise her with my cooking skills, send her cards for various occasions (apologizing, trying to cheer her up), taking her out to events and dinner, helping her with a lot of her own issues... just basically in my mind trying to be the best I can be.


Sorry OP, but IMHO your relationships probably had normal libidos. I don't think they were attracted to you, or they lost their attraction to you. I have no idea if you are a good or lousy lover as someone else suggested. Chances are your skills in bed are probably not the issue at this point. But c'mon...you're the Hallmark guy, the Lifetime Movie of the week wet dream for the ladies, Mr. Sensitivity himself. Great in movies and TV shows; however, in reality...you're the doormat "nice guy". You sound like the type of guy a girl could sit on the couch with, eating ice cream out of the container in slippers and bath robe, crying while watching sappy love stories. You get the picture? The perfect friend...

That is not what women want. They want a guy to come across as strong, confident, fun and only sensitive to a point. They want a guy that has enough self respect that if a woman is giving him a line of bull, the man calls her on it. I'm not talking about jerks or mean pricks riding Harleys with tats up and down their arms. I'm talking about a guy that lets a woman know that he's a sensual creature that needs love (sex) to be a critical part of a relationship in order to keep a close bond.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Reduce your libido?

That's easy.

Gain a lot of weight very quickly, I'm figuring between 40 to 60 pounds to kick things out of gear. Start drinking heavily and go on a course of anti-depressants.

Guarantee you will decrease your libido. Also pretty much a guarantee that your girlfriend who already doesn't want to have sex with you, will dump you outright.

Or ...
Stop apologizing for your sex drive, get better at conducting a relationship and focus on meeting one or many ... women who WANT to have sex with you.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

Boy oh boy, do I know what you mean. I am a 36 yr old female with a very high sex drive while my 43 yr old boyfriend has a very low sex drive. It's been 3 weeks since we were last together intimately. He walks around like it's no big deal and I'm so frustrated I could burst!

I'm torn on if I want to continue in the relationship because he's not providing a need of mine. I take the toy out of the drawer more than a few times a week but it's not the same as being able to be with your partner. Also, in the meantime, to release my pent up desires, I go to the gym and walk a few miles on the treadmill. It helps.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Sorry OP, but IMHO your relationships probably had normal libidos. I don't think they were attracted to you, or they lost their attraction to you. I have no idea if you are a good or lousy lover as someone else suggested. Chances are your skills in bed are probably not the issue at this point. But c'mon...you're the Hallmark guy, the Lifetime Movie of the week wet dream for the ladies, Mr. Sensitivity himself. Great in movies and TV shows; however, in reality...you're the doormat "nice guy". You sound like the type of guy a girl could sit on the couch with, eating ice cream out of the container in slippers and bath robe, crying while watching sappy love stories. You get the picture? The perfect friend...
> 
> That is not what women want. They want a guy to come across as strong, confident, fun and only sensitive to a point. They want a guy that has enough self respect that if a woman is giving him a line of bull, the man calls her on it. I'm not talking about jerks or mean pricks riding Harleys with tats up and down their arms. I'm talking about a guy that lets a woman know that he's a sensual creature that needs love (sex) to be a critical part of a relationship in order to keep a close bond.


Well there is a small percentage of women who would LOVE to have that guy that they can do and share everything with and **** his brains out and make sure he never leaves.

The majority will get that guy thats really good to them and figure they have it too good, and take it for granted, cheat on him, treat him like crap or what have you.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

January said:


> Boy oh boy, do I know what you mean. I am a 36 yr old female with a very high sex drive while my 43 yr old boyfriend has a very low sex drive. It's been 3 weeks since we were last together intimately. He walks around like it's no big deal and I'm so frustrated I could burst!
> 
> I'm torn on if I want to continue in the relationship because he's not providing a need of mine. I take the toy out of the drawer more than a few times a week but it's not the same as being able to be with your partner. Also, in the meantime, to release my pent up desires, I go to the gym and walk a few miles on the treadmill. It helps.


Where do you live?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Your sex drive is a* beautiful gift*, DUMP the broad who ain't into it..her un interest will only drag you down into HELL itself... then if you ever married such a woman.... temptation would follow you everywhere you go....unless you enjoy the compuer screen to be your daily intimacy. Screw that ! it's no way to live & enjoy life. 

High drive women exist.. and they want to give to their partners, look for one who has Physical Touch at the top of her love languages, this often helps!


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

nickester said:


> Am I doing something wrong in my relationships?


Yup. Sticking with girls that won't screw your brains out.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

nickester said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Not sure if any male has ever wanted to decrease his libido but I feel like I need to.
> A bit about myself:
> ...


If these women aren't running their hands all over your back, shoulders, and arms telling you what a beautiful body you have, then you've got work to do. The goal is to look like Michelangelo's "David." Look it up. You also need to learn about what women like and it's not what they say they like. Stop violating The 16 Commandments.

Take this Dating Value test and see how you make out.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> If these women aren't running their hands all over your back, shoulders, and arms telling you what a beautiful body you have, then you've got work to do. The goal is to look like Michelangelo's "David." Look it up. You also need to learn about what women like and it's not what they say they like. Stop violating The 16 Commandments.
> 
> Take this Dating Value test and see how you make out.


Man, Machiavelli, your talking about NAILING this thing. I would say if he could max that completely out then a large percentage of women would want to run their hands on that body even if his face was not attractive.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

There have been times in my life when I have had to put up with little or no sex:

No partner,
Working away from home,
Partner is unable / unwilling to have sex (physically or emotionally).

I found that heavy exercise (to the point of near exhaustion) allowed me to get to sleep without too much trouble. The longer I had to go without sex the less I crave it (by two - three weeks into a stint working overseas it was not a problem for me) but that soon changes when the opertunity is there.

Inconveniently for me I also found that the medication (Pethidine) that my doctor put me on after I had surgery on my back caused me to loose interest in everything (including sex) so I asked to be moved onto a non Opioid (he gave me Flupirtine) which got things back on an even keel.

Humans can adapt to meet the challenges and changes that face them (a look at the teeth in your jaw tell you that we are meant to eat meat but can "get by" on a vegetarian diet). 

That being said you are young, fit, and have no children so why should you have to put up with just "getting by". If your partner is unwilling or unable to change her ways you may have to change partners.


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## nickester (Mar 19, 2013)

Chris Taylor said:


> 1 - Since you have had three serious relationships, you can obviously attract women.
> 
> 2 - Since all three relationships seem to falter in the sex department, my conclusion is that (a) you attract women who are not sexually compatible with you or (b) you try so hard that these women see that they get a lot of good man without the necessity of sex.
> 
> ...


Chris,

You're dead right on the resentment issue. I've noticed myself becoming more resentful towards my current girlfriend. It just feels like she wants me to do more and more for her meanwhile I get very little in return (in this instance i'm not talking about just sex). In one of my relationships, I was a bit of a tit-for-tat kind of guy where if she didn't do something I wanted, I wouldn't do something for her and she mentioned that even though her contribution might not be equivalent to what I contribute, in the long run, everything balances out. I took that idea and ingrained it and have applied it since that relationship in other areas of my life but now I just feel that things never really do equal out. I'm just hoping for this mystical realm where both partners will actually be partners. I'm not saying it has to be 50/50. I'd be happy even with me doing 60-her 40 but it just feels like I always get trapped into scenarios where its 90/10, me.

So, yes, there is a lot or resentment and I've tried talking it out with my current gf but nothing seems to work. Me wanting to discuss and talk has made me sometimes wonder if the gender roles have switched??? I feel that maybe I should be just nonchalant but then that backfires as well as several posters have indicated. It's just become frustrating to the point where now I have more thoughts of foregoing the idea of marriage.

I have queried a couple of my married friends on the benefit of being married as a male. In my situation I would be the one bringing 90% to the table and 10% brought by the partner (2% of which I can theoretically take care of myself (cooking & children through adoption). 

Please don't take the above paragraph as me bashing females. This situation can just as likely happen where a female brings more to the table than the male.

I guess my question to anyone reading this is... What kinds of benefits do you find in marriage?


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## nickester (Mar 19, 2013)

Toffer said:


> Nick,
> 
> While i agree with Chris on most of his points, I think that the most important one is that you keep winding up with Low Drive (LD) women and you're more of a High Drive (HD) guy.
> 
> ...


Toffer,

Thank you for your response. I get what you are saying and yes I'm glad there are no kids involved at this point. I've joked with my friends in the past about how if I were to go back in the market, I would need to bring with me a questionnaire for the female to fill out on the first date so I can get some questions answered, for example, the desire for sex or level of libido.

All joking aside, how can I tactfully gauge the female's perceptiveness and desire towards sexual intimacy?

Females I have talked to suggest that I go the direct route but from my experience on topics of lesser sensitivity, the direct route only backfires.

For all the talk there is about being yourself and being direct and being open and honest, I'm getting the impression through my own experiences that these paths never really bring forth any fruitful responses or answers. Sometimes I feel that the only way to get to the truth is through deception or manipulation or some other subtly coercive means.

Is this what most males are finding? I ask this of males only because it is usually females that suggest men be open, honest, direct, be yourself, etc.


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## nickester (Mar 19, 2013)

DaddyLongShanks said:


> My formula for reducing libido would be to deal with a partner who sexually rejects you all the time, who may have a low actual sex drive. However if it is a celebrity or status person they would have sex with them. Over time your libido will be reduced.


Agreed on the celebrity comment. My interests have waned a bit but just for my current partner.


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## nickester (Mar 19, 2013)

mad6r said:


> You can find other ways to burn off that energy you have, i.e. cycling, or running. I used to think the same thing about lowering my libido but I got a bike and started riding for miles and miles. It clears the head and it used up all the extra energy I had.
> Good luck!


You know, I have actually been walking a lot (3 mile directionless stretches) recently and it does do wonders to calm and relax my mind.


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## nickester (Mar 19, 2013)

Disenchanted said:


> Learn some game.
> 
> Not to be a jerk but there are ways to subtly coerce sex out of your woman. Like making her jealous of other women, as one example.
> 
> ...


You know, I've looked into the topics of game and attempted it unsuccessfully. During my attempts, I often wondered if this is what life would resort to... that being me becoming manupilative to get my needs met and to be honest I just felt dirty and couldn't keep it going (not that it went anywhere). 

As married men, does any one find it necessary to be deceptive or manipulative to get certain things? Is this the reality of what happens in a marriage?


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## nickester (Mar 19, 2013)

MrsOldNews said:


> High drive women exist all over, we are not unicorns you know
> 
> Maybe its something you should discuss before becoming so emotionally invested in a relationship. I know when I start dating again that a sex talk will come up before we ever get freaky. I'm not getting stuck with a normal drive guy again let alone low/no drive. That's a deal breaker for me and something I'm willing to wait for however long it takes.
> 
> If you have patience then I suggest you do the same  In my opinion it will be worth the wait.


haha, I've heard that females with high drive exist but after my experiences I've pushed that idea to the "Ideal world for men" container... which is busting at the seams at the moment


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

nickester said:


> Chris,
> 
> You're dead right on the resentment issue. I've noticed myself becoming more resentful towards my current girlfriend. It just feels like she wants me to do more and more for her meanwhile I get very little in return (in this instance i'm not talking about just sex). In one of my relationships, I was a bit of a tit-for-tat kind of guy where if she didn't do something I wanted, I wouldn't do something for her and she mentioned that even though her contribution might not be equivalent to what I contribute, in the long run, everything balances out. I took that idea and ingrained it and have applied it since that relationship in other areas of my life but now I just feel that things never really do equal out. I'm just hoping for this mystical realm where both partners will actually be partners. I'm not saying it has to be 50/50. I'd be happy even with me doing 60-her 40 but it just feels like I always get trapped into scenarios where its 90/10, me.
> 
> ...


Nickester,

I know what you are talking about these 90%/10% situations. I wish I didn't. Back when I didn't do as much it seemed I was treated better. When you are bending over backwards to please them at every turn, you get them used to this expectation level and they aren't doing much at all to get it. So the other party gets stuck in this pattern of "paying" what they are used to "paying" you, for your efforts and it doesn't balance out.

I don't know how to fix it, maybe stop doing things all together for a while. Going into a new situation, perhaps you have to throttle your willingness to please, and adjust it for the level the partner is willing to go to with you. Otherwise you will feel like the one who always does it with little in return.

And I know you aren't tit for tatting or trying to give to get, but to give give give, and have the friend show no similar effort does take the wind out of your sails.

For the situation you are in, it probably won't kill you to stop cold turkey giving, pull back a bit. And perhaps after not getting that attention without giving anything for it, she will come to you to get it.


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## nickester (Mar 19, 2013)

PBear said:


> Read up on "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Man's Sex Life Primer". See if they're talking about you. Look into counseling to see why you keep making the same mistakes expecting a different response. The problem isn't your libido. The problem is your people picker and relationship maintenance skills. Even a woman who is a sexual freak to begin with can lose interest in the wrong relationship.
> 
> C


I actually stumbled upon "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and boy was I shocked at how much of that book reflected my personality. I need to reread it again to get things to stick a bit better. Maybe reread it a couple of times but the second book you mentioned I'll have to look into. Haven't heard of that before.

I'm coming to realize that my "people picker" skills are not as good as I thought them to be. I actually believed in the idea that your personality usually attracts the kind of person that would be most compatible with you so i held on to the idea of just being myself and letting the chips fall wherever they may but more and more, I'm seeing that I need to manipulate the situation on my behavior to get the outcome I desire. Is this an unfortunate truth that I've missed in the 28 years I've lived so far?


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

nickester said:


> I've joked with my friends in the past about how if I were to go back in the market, I would need to bring with me a questionnaire for the female to fill out on the first date.


I do not think you will need a questionnaire for your first date either. :lol: 

However it does amaze and scare me the speed with which some people (I do not know about you) get into relationships. Surely it is worth starting slow and truly getting to know someone before you start living together / getting engaged let alone before marriage or having kids.

A couple so dates spent fumbling with words might just do us all more good in the long run than spending all our time fumbling with each other’s clothing.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

nickester said:


> haha, I've heard that females with high drive exist but after my experiences I've pushed that idea to the "Ideal world for men" container... which is busting at the seams at the moment


It seems like to get what we need as men, we have to almost just do what we want to do, say how we feel and let the chips fall as they may.

All this over analysis, making sure we are doing right, etc doesn't seem to be paying off and puts us on websites like this.

I seemed to be much happier when I did what I wanted, I treated women pretty good, sexxed them good, loved them, but I did have this ability to cheat and get tied to someone else after so many years of stability.

In effort to not do it to someone again and to ensure my partner is always happy, I kinda fell into a mode like you with the same results.

I feel like if I go back to some of my old ways, but with some limits in place on cheating and putting myself in bad situations, and some minimums on the giving I will be much happier and the woman i am with will be too.


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## nickester (Mar 19, 2013)

PBear said:


> And define "high libido". Once a day? Once a week? Once a month?
> 
> As far as your current GF, she's apparently interested in sex, just not sex with YOU. She can't be too much clearer on that.
> 
> C


For me, high libido is once every other day. I'm even willing to settle for once a week at this point. I know I shouldn't but I become so green with envy when I hear of people going at it multiple times a day.


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## nickester (Mar 19, 2013)

DaddyLongShanks said:


> "Nice" is a great thing, but "too nice" over time reduces the sparks. I guess we have to up some "game" to keep the one's we love deeply interested. Alternate some "game" with your niceness and really blow her away.
> 
> Also making her jealous to other women is a great way for her to claim her man. You will find it is the fastest and easiest way possible.


Can you give me an example of


DaddyLongShanks said:


> Alternate some "game" with your niceness and really blow her away.


I'm wary of the "jealous" tip. I've seen it backfire on others where the person forced to become jealous completely withdraws from the relationship.


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## nickester (Mar 19, 2013)

totamm said:


> Your problem isn't libido, it's that the women you meet decide to stop having sex with you.
> 
> I'm thinking you're just not all that good in bed.
> 
> ...


I thought about this a lot during my current relationship and I know if I ask directly, I will never get a honest response. The way I gauge the quality of the sex is by the amount of bloody scratches my back receives and to be honest, they hurt like hell... then again even the scratches could be fake :scratchhead:

So aside from taking some pill to make my nether regions exorbitantly large, what are some things I can read up on regarding what women like (aside from the usual magazines like gq, maxim, etc)?


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

nickester said:


> Can you give me an example of
> 
> I'm wary of the "jealous" tip. I've seen it backfire on others where the person forced to become jealous completely withdraws from the relationship.


She knows she "got" you, so she doesn't have to change anything. Some women don't like sex, and some women won't give sex or little as possible so they feel in control.

I was trying to word things so you realize, that she knows she "got" you, but you have to find a way to "hook" her so she wants to do the right thing to hold on.


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## nickester (Mar 19, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Sorry OP, but IMHO your relationships probably had normal libidos. I don't think they were attracted to you, or they lost their attraction to you. I have no idea if you are a good or lousy lover as someone else suggested. Chances are your skills in bed are probably not the issue at this point. But c'mon...you're the Hallmark guy, the Lifetime Movie of the week wet dream for the ladies, Mr. Sensitivity himself. Great in movies and TV shows; however, in reality...you're the doormat "nice guy". You sound like the type of guy a girl could sit on the couch with, eating ice cream out of the container in slippers and bath robe, crying while watching sappy love stories. You get the picture? The perfect friend...
> 
> That is not what women want. They want a guy to come across as strong, confident, fun and only sensitive to a point. They want a guy that has enough self respect that if a woman is giving him a line of bull, the man calls her on it. I'm not talking about jerks or mean pricks riding Harleys with tats up and down their arms. I'm talking about a guy that lets a woman know that he's a sensual creature that needs love (sex) to be a critical part of a relationship in order to keep a close bond.


Your last paragraph is something I've read about but never really knew how to implement. Any tips? Maybe I just need to sit down with pen and paper and study movies by Clooney and Pitt and the likes.


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## nickester (Mar 19, 2013)

Deejo said:


> Stop apologizing for your sex drive, get better at conducting a relationship and focus on meeting one or many ... women who WANT to have sex with you.


Good point... just wish I knew how


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

DaddyLongShanks said:


> My formula for reducing libido would be to deal with a partner who sexually rejects you all the time, who may have a low actual sex drive. However if it is a celebrity or status person they would have sex with them. Over time your libido will be reduced.


how true this will take care of itself in about 20 years


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

nickester said:


> Your last paragraph is something I've read about but never really knew how to implement. Any tips? Maybe I just need to sit down with pen and paper and study movies by Clooney and Pitt and the likes.


I was thinking about this myself. Be that guy they want to screw his brains out. He might not be the nicest guy.

I personally think some of your traits of taking care of your woman balanced with being that guy that they want to screw his brains out will intoxicate a female beyond what she thought was possible.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

In_The_Wind said:


> how true this will take care of itself in about 20 years


You'd have to be able to really ignore someone for the rejections to not affect you.

Over time, the rejections will strip your confidence in your sexual ability, yourself as a man and your sexual desire.

I'm not saying it cannot come back, it can - but someone has to want to "feed" it.

I'm starting to think it's not an option for someone to be able to play with this part of me.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

nickester said:


> Good point... just wish I knew how


You do it by going out and doing it. What's funny is sexual desire after you from other females can sometimes get the female you are with interested.


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## nickester (Mar 19, 2013)

DaddyLongShanks said:


> Nickester,
> 
> I know what you are talking about these 90%/10% situations. I wish I didn't. Back when I didn't do as much it seemed I was treated better. When you are bending over backwards to please them at every turn, you get them used to this expectation level and they aren't doing much at all to get it. So the other party gets stuck in this pattern of "paying" what they are used to "paying" you, for your efforts and it doesn't balance out.
> 
> ...


Actually you just reminded me of something. Just recently I thought of the different levels we put ourselves into. For example.

Individual 1: 
Stage 1- Type to always do things before being asked, wash dishes, laundry, do chores, fix car, paint, whatever have you. No one says anything encouraging and life just goes on...

Stage 2- Individual screws up and forgets something and partner/parent has to scold/remind him to do something that he normally does without any requests. Now people see him as someone who is irresponsible, a negative character, any negative adjective here.

Individual 2
Stage 1- Type to never do anything. Lazy bum. Always has to be asked, pleaded or reminded, scolded to do something. Considered to be a person with negative attributes early on in his life.

Stage 2- Suddenly decides to become proactive and do things. Now all of a sudden everyone forgets about his past and exclaims how wonderful he is.

I was Individual 1 growing up with siblings. I was never applauded for the things i did right but if i ever forgot something or did something wrong or got lazy, my good credit never accounted for anything. In fact it was completely forgotten and get the new label as being the bad child whereas the sibling decides to be a little better but in the eyes of others, he is soooooooooooo much better that the sibling who grew up and knew what to do to begin with.

Any way, I've realized this works in relationships as well. You're better off being the bad kind of guy in the begining of the relationship (as long as you are able to get into a relationship and have a girl like you). Then you wisely use the tactics of Individual 2 above and slowly and I mean very very slowly show your good side. Now all of a sudden, your partner finds you even more attractive/loving/blah blah blah.

Is that the key to a happy married life????


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

At 28, every other day isn't "high drive". . At least, not to me!

I was in a marriage for 18 years, and our sex life was at best, once a week. Then it dwindled off over the last 5 years or so, till it got to once a month or 6 weeks. Always very vanilla. The lack of intimacy (not just sex) was a major factor in me deciding to separate at 42 years old. I started seeing a woman who had also been in a sexless marriage (she stopped initiating, and at the end the had gone for two YEARS without sex). We met on a site focussing on "adult relationships", and both of us were looking for a "friend with benefits" type of relationship. Well, the sex was incredible! And fairly quickly, we fell in love. 

That was more than two years ago, and our sex life is still incredible. It's slowed down a little, to 4 or 5 days a week. But considering we don't live in the same city, I think that's pretty good. . So there ARE women out there who like sex and intimacy. You just need to find one, and work at maintaining that relationship. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nickester (Mar 19, 2013)

Wiltshireman said:


> I do not think you will need a questionnaire for your first date either. :lol:
> 
> However it does amaze and scare me the speed with which some people (I do not know about you) get into relationships. Surely it is worth starting slow and truly getting to know someone before you start living together / getting engaged let alone before marriage or having kids.
> 
> A couple so dates spent fumbling with words might just do us all more good in the long run than spending all our time fumbling with each other’s clothing.


Wise words indeed


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

nickester said:


> Good point... just wish I knew how


Start by acknowledging that what you think makes you great in a relationship ... isn't working.

If the No More Mr. Nice Guy stuff resonates with you as strongly as you indicated, then it makes perfect sense that you think learning game, pickup, or social dynamics makes you evil and manipulative.

It doesn't and it needn't.

You think there is something inherently wrong and dishonest about it. 

Simply based upon the question you asked, you are framing the context of your relationship by looking to please your partner rather than looking to please yourself.
Says a great deal about your perspective.

I strongly urge you, whether uncomfortable or not, to find a way to change your perspective.

'Do the same things, get the same results.'

If you don't like your results, your easiest option is to change what you are doing.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Take a look at this:

Understanding Your Husband's Sexual Needs - Focus on the Family

Read it first to get some ideas as how you can structure the conversation you want to have with your girlfriend. I'm not a big fan of showing this to her only because Focus on the Family sometimes brings up negatives when mentioned. Plus the article could just be construed as male BS.

But I think it's worth reading so you have some of the key points as to why you want "a fulfilling, intimate sexual relationship", not "sex", with your girlfriend.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

nickester said:


> Your last paragraph is something I've read about but never really knew how to implement. Any tips? Maybe I just need to sit down with pen and paper and study movies by Clooney and Pitt and the likes.


Read No More MR. Nice Guy.

That is all the tip you need.

And stop looking for external approval.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

PBear said:


> At 28, every other day isn't "high drive". . At least, not to me!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm 41 and my GF gives it to me twice a day if I want it. And I do.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Also, check this out.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

nickester said:


> As married men, does any one find it necessary to be deceptive or manipulative to get certain things? Is this the reality of what happens in a marriage?


I cannot advise strongly enough against this. 

There is a huge difference between respecting yourself and refusing to accept poor treatment vs. being deceptive/manipulative. 

If you want to be treated better than your girlfriends treat you then stop accepting girlfriends that treat you that way. This is not rocket science. Nor is it "game". 

It's pathetic for a man to be thinking how he has to trick other people into liking him or doing things for him. Refusing poor treatment is not a trick. 

I'm 54 and getting laid at least once a day by a beautiful 24 year old athlete. I don't have to trick her into that or pretend to be someone I am not. But I did have to dump people that treated me badly.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

nickester...you haven't really made this clear: are you SO madly in love with your girlfriend that you plan to marry her?

And if not, why are you still with her?

And if so...PLEASE do NOT marry a woman whom you are sexually incompatible with!!! It is a recipe for divorce!

There are plenty of high drive women out there. How do you find her? Well first thing's first: dump the current girlfriend, clean, clear, and simply break. Do NOT be swayed into sticking it out. She is not going to up her sex drive, ever.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> Nor is it "game".


Game, in it's essence, is simply understanding a woman's needs and what builds attraction in women.

There is no reason to be manipulative or try to be someone you are not, it's more about understanding a woman's physiological reaction to male traits and behaviors.

Essentially it's about being confident and assertive. 

As a "Nice Guy" letting it all "hang out" is extraordinarily repulsive to a woman. Being needy and not setting boundaries clamps a vagina shut faster than you can say "please baby".


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> Game, in it's essence, is simply understanding a woman's needs and what builds attraction in women.


Respectfully, the term is used in different ways by different people. But it is most often associated with the "pick-up artist" literature, and in particulare a book by name "The Game" which contains all of that misogynistic, manipulative tripe like "neg theory" where you insult women with "back-handed complements".

I had occasion to read both that book and a lot of other material from this repulsive literature because I had an acquaintance that swore by it. He was a manipulative, nasty person who got what he deserved from women - which is to say old, bitter, and alone. Just like the author of that book, who calls himself "Mystery", and who hated himself so much that he was _suicidal._ In his own book!

That is distinguished from the material often recommended on this site, which for practical purposes has no difference for being attractive to people in general. Men also do not like men who are doormats. I do not see this term "game" being applied on this site to anywhere near the extent I see it in the pick-up artist literature. But it is possible you are using it in the general sense of just being a confident, self-respecting person.

The pick-up artist literature fans SAY that they mean the same thing when what they really mean is being an offensive, misogynistic prick. 



> There is no reason to be manipulative or try to be someone you are not, it's more about understanding a woman's physiological reaction to male traits and behaviors.
> 
> Essentially it's about being confident and assertive.
> 
> As a "Nice Guy" letting it all "hang out" is extraordinarily repulsive to a woman. Being needy and not setting boundaries clamps a vagina shut faster than you can say "please baby".


I'm the one who said not to be manipulative or someone you are not, and I explained already that respecting yourself and setting boundaries was what got you women who treat you decently. 

"Nice guy" is the misnomer for doormat, so I do not understand why you are saying the same things I have but are acting like you have an insight that I do not.

This OP has been a doormat.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> "Nice guy" is the misnomer for doormat, so I do not understand why you are saying the same things I have but are acting like you have an insight that I do not.
> 
> This OP has been a doormat.


Nice guy essentially equates (to me) a man who is afraid of conflict, thinks he needs to give to receive and mostly fears women (and inherently thinks he is bad, has toxic shame).

I have no opinion that I hold any insights that you do not, I am simply explaining _my_ position.

Like anything else, there has to be balance. PUA's by nature do not respect women or themselves. They are shallow and not looking for a real relationship in earnest. Misogyny is the name of the game.

With that said, game is a way for LDV men to appear to have HDV. But the info is useful when applied in moderation because it explains what gives women "tingles".

OP, read MMSL and run the MAP for a more balanced approach to this idea.

Game is for a low quality man trying to appear high quality. The ultimate goal should be to become a high quality man, but like I said, there has to balance. 

The video I posted in my earlier response explains this in detail.

I do not think that making your woman jealous of other women is necessarily a good idea in an LTR, but getting attention from other women will do much to boost your confidence and dating value, and help you to understand that the relationship you are in is not the only one available to you.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> PUA's by nature do not respect women or themselves.



I would say we agree - but as I suspected you actually _favor_ this stuff. 

You linked to "The Sixteen Commandments of Poon" for example. 

Manipulative tripe like never say I love you first. Flirt with other girls with the intention of making your own girl jealous, and keeping other girlfriends in order to make her jealous.

What's wrong is *Bad intentions*

By definition _manipulative_. Your intentions are deceptive with both girls. They are both just objects to attain ends. Not people with feelings you should respect. I disagree.




> With that said, game is a way for LDV men to appear to have HDV. But the info is useful when applied in moderation because it explains what gives women "tingles".


So just be manipulative part of the time and a decent person part of the time?




> Game is for a low quality man trying to appear high quality. The ultimate goal should be to become a high quality man, but like I said, there has to balance.


THANK YOU!! I strongly disagree, but it confirmed my suspicion that "balance" to you means being a creep some of the time. 




> I do not think that making your woman jealous of other women is necessarily a good idea in an LTR, but getting attention from other women will do much to boost your confidence and dating value, and help you to understand that the relationship you are in is not the only one available to you.


Strongly disagree. Manipulating people is wrong, period.

This confuses cause and effect. If you are hardworking and thereby successful, are a decent person with self-respect and confidence - then people in general will like you. Men and women both. 

You do not trick one woman into a fake dating relationship in order to appeal to another. That is being a manipulative jerk.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Why would you want to decrease it now. Age will be enough to do that for you. I want my drive to stay consistant for the next 20 years and then it can shoot down hill.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> You do not trick one woman into a fake dating relationship in order to appeal to another. That is being a manipulative jerk.


Nope. It's just giving them what they respond to and love.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> Game, in it's essence, is simply understanding a woman's needs and what builds attraction in women.
> 
> There is no reason to be manipulative or try to be someone you are not, it's more about understanding a woman's physiological reaction to male traits and behaviors.
> 
> ...


We're talking about known approaches and styles that do work and trigger emotions, and not doing some things that you may not be aware of that have a negative effect.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> I would say.......





> Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is Healthy
> 
> March 21, 2013 by CH
> 
> ...



Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is Healthy | Chateau Heartiste

Of course I favor this stuff. I've been using your approach for 40 years and all it got me was an unfaithful wife.

Good luck.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Beta male or mostly alpha predominant is what lost you your wife?


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

DaddyLongShanks said:


> Beta male or mostly alpha predominant is what lost you your wife?


Both.

I was too beta, OM was alpha.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> Both.
> 
> I was too beta, OM was alpha.


And if you where too alpha she would have cheated on you with someone more beta.

What qualities do you think would have given you a better chance against this guy who got your wife?


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Not only is this a threadjack but I've already answered every one of your questions in my previous posts in this thread.

end threadjack


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> Of course I favor this stuff. I've been using your approach for 40 years and all it got me was an unfaithful wife.
> 
> Good luck.


heh. You have no idea what my "approach" is/was. 

I didn't have an "approach" to "attract women" because I didn't need one. When you are a high achiever you attract women, no matter what you are doing. Sports, academics, theater, art, politics, business - successful people have the problem of making the right choices from both the women and men who approach them, not how to attract them. 

You can do six minute miles in your 50's if you just get off your duff and train. All of those things like confidence, vitality, etc. stem from ability. You don't need deception to trick people into thinking you are confident when you ARE.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Not interested in your hostility my friend. 

Nor do I share your interest in threadjacking.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

back to the op.


time to move on you will not be happy with a person who isn't sexually compatiable with you.

JMHO.


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

Dude cant you see that the situation in your relationship is toxic to you and is changing you but not for the better!

Lots of good advice above, but never, never, never apologize for being who you are that is a sure road to being trapped in a bad relationship down the road.

Trust me if this is how it is with this girlfriend now time will not be kind to this relationship.

Let her down easy, she can NEVER be the woman you need her to be, no matter how hard she tries for now, if you buy that you will feel like you had a bait and switch happen some years from now.

Later.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Really? 

That is good to hear!

....but is your drive only high for "hot" guys....movie star good looks etc...or for a "normal" guy who takes care of himself, is healthy, successful but not a "Shades of Gray' billionaire with dark and mysterious properties....

Being a normal to higher drive guy (once a day would be ideal...twice a day better some days)...I dont require a "hot" woman to become aroused...first of all I have a baseline level of arousal most of the time (except at work where it seems to just go away ...which is appropriate!...thank goodness)...

Realistically for age 46 I describe my wife as a 6/10....a little younger than average looking, not overweight, healthy....

...and I find her presence to just be arousing...even when I'm PO'd at her.....

I dont know if "high drive" hetero women experience it that way...I read a study recently that suggested that women in a state of higher sex drive actually become MORE PICKY about the man they desire...

Just wondering...high drive in general..or only for the top 10% of guys....






MrsOldNews said:


> High drive women exist all over, we are not unicorns you know
> 
> Maybe its something you should discuss before becoming so emotionally invested in a relationship. I know when I start dating again that a sex talk will come up before we ever get freaky. I'm not getting stuck with a normal drive guy again let alone low/no drive. That's a deal breaker for me and something I'm willing to wait for however long it takes.
> 
> If you have patience then I suggest you do the same  In my opinion it will be worth the wait.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Please do tell what "site" that was? Did it focus on your city/geographic area or? 

I'm clueless enough to not know how to meet actual new people online who might be in the same area....facebook?




PBear said:


> At 28, every other day isn't "high drive". . At least, not to me!
> 
> I was in a marriage for 18 years, and our sex life was at best, once a week. Then it dwindled off over the last 5 years or so, till it got to once a month or 6 weeks. Always very vanilla. The lack of intimacy (not just sex) was a major factor in me deciding to separate at 42 years old. I started seeing a woman who had also been in a sexless marriage (she stopped initiating, and at the end the had gone for two YEARS without sex). We met on a site focussing on "adult relationships", and both of us were looking for a "friend with benefits" type of relationship. Well, the sex was incredible! And fairly quickly, we fell in love.
> 
> ...


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## nickester (Mar 19, 2013)

Deejo said:


> Start by acknowledging that what you think makes you great in a relationship ... isn't working.
> 
> If the No More Mr. Nice Guy stuff resonates with you as strongly as you indicated, then it makes perfect sense that you think learning game, pickup, or social dynamics makes you evil and manipulative.
> 
> ...


You make a good point. Didn't even realize that my idea of learning game, pickup etc as you mentioned resonates well with what is written in No More Mr. Nice Guy. It goes to show that you an outside perspective can really open your eyes.

Your statement on looking to please oneself struck a chord with me and since reading that albeit it being only 2 days, has actually given me a bit of ease in life. See, I'm more of the time to "do the right thing" even if it is not something I favor or care to do. Not saying that I'm going to go out and do "the wrong things" but life is a bit easier doing things that make oneself happy. I need to keep this in mind on a daily basis as my perspective has been out of wack for the last 20+ years.

Thanks!


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## nickester (Mar 19, 2013)

Disenchanted said:


> I'm 41 and my GF gives it to me twice a day if I want it. And I do.



Nice! I'll have to learn the ropes from you :smthumbup:

You also mentioned: 

"Stop looking for external approval"

I do unfortunately even though I don't notice it. Need to be more aware of my thoughts and learn to curb/eliminate that behavior.


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## nickester (Mar 19, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> There is a huge difference between respecting yourself and refusing to accept poor treatment vs. being deceptive/manipulative.


I respect this statement a lot and it's something I have been trying to work on (in vain unfortunately).

Its embarrassing for me as a 28/m to say that I still have issues with this.


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## nickester (Mar 19, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> nickester...you haven't really made this clear: are you SO madly in love with your girlfriend that you plan to marry her?
> 
> And if not, why are you still with her?
> 
> ...


As it's often said, "it is a complicated situation" but yes I do love her very much. 
I'm taking it slowly as i don't want to jump into marriage but at the same time, I'm of the opinion that I shouldn't jump ship just because I find one or some issues. I don't know if that's the right philosophy to have in a matter like this but I guess it's something I picked up in my life time.

That is to say that I don't want to be someone who just gives up on someone. But whether or not it applies to this topic of frequency of sex, I don't know. Still trying to figure it out.


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## nickester (Mar 19, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> heh. You have no idea what my "approach" is/was.
> 
> I didn't have an "approach" to "attract women" because I didn't need one. When you are a high achiever you attract women, no matter what you are doing. Sports, academics, theater, art, politics, business - successful people have the problem of making the right choices from both the women and men who approach them, not how to attract them.
> 
> You can do six minute miles in your 50's if you just get off your duff and train. All of those things like confidence, vitality, etc. stem from ability. You don't need deception to trick people into thinking you are confident when you ARE.


Not to discount your success or measure of therfore, but I was raised with this philosophy and it has yet to bring forth certain fruit.

I am a high achiever but I am not alpha in my tasks. I am skilled and a hard worker which bring success to my career but when it comes to the relationship scene, my social skills or lack thereof has limited me greatly. I guess that's one of the reasons why I end up with the type of females I end up with... maybe. 

Just my experience


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## nickester (Mar 19, 2013)

Madman1 said:


> Dude cant you see that the situation in your relationship is toxic to you and is changing you but not for the better!
> 
> Lots of good advice above, but never, never, never apologize for being who you are that is a sure road to being trapped in a bad relationship down the road.
> 
> ...


You're right, I need to stop apologizing for being who I am.


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## nickester (Mar 19, 2013)

b.blue said:


> maybe being busy with any activities will make your mind not thinking about sexual things


haha, yep that's what I've been doing. Sometimes I wonder if I should have gone into another field of work, say medicine, where I have a legitimate excuse for being completely drowned with work on a daily basis and not have the time or desire to think about anything sexual... but then again this would just suck the life right out of me and my youth and age will just pass by rather quickly.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

nickester said:


> Not to discount your success or measure of therfore, but I was raised with this philosophy and it has yet to bring forth certain fruit.


That's because you deny yourself decent women by sticking with poor ones:




> I'm of the opinion that I shouldn't jump ship just because I find one or some issues. I don't know if that's the right philosophy to have in a matter like this but I guess it's something I picked up in my life time.


Then you have nothing to complain about. 

You can't change poor choices by refusing to change poor choices.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Everyone who is responging to you is just guessing because you have not answered the most important question in your case, which is:

WERE ALL 3 OF THESE GIRLS HIGH SEX DRIVE WHEN YOU MET THEM AND THEN THE SEX FIZZLED?

Or were they not interested in sex even in the beginning of your relationship.


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