# What do you want your wife to do, but are afraid to ask?



## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Guys, are there things you wish your wife would do, but that you know are "not cool" to ask for because they are deemed sexist or old fashioned or chauvinistic these days? I don't mean sexually, so much, but just day to day things. I'd like to find some new ways to surprise my husband with little things that I do for him as a wife. I've worked really hard (and so has he) so get our sex life back on track, but I want to make him really satisfied outside of the bedroom, too. 

At the moment, and probably for another few years, I am a SAHM, so I already do the bulk of the housework, laundry, kids' schedules, etc. He works at home, so it's not like I can meet him at the door and shepherd him into his man cave with a drink after work. 

Any ideas? I've tried to get him to tell me what he'd like, but he sort of gets the "deer in the headlights" look, like he's afraid that anything he says could blow up and make him sorry he ever mentioned it. So I'm turning the Men's Clubhouse, where you all will be safe from my wrath if you mention anything about a French maid's outfit . . . .


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Not a guy, but I make my husband's lunch, make him treats, make sure I buy him a treat most times I go out, organise dates at home, offer regular cups of tea - 

Basically extra care, mostly around food.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

I'm lucky in that I have never been afraid to ask my wife about something I would like to do / try. She is not the judgmental type, so she will either say OK, or No, not gonna happen. LOL

BTW, most things I've ever had to ask for were OK ! So the few things that she isn't comfortable with is not a problem.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

Nude skydiving?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

GettingIt said:


> ..but he sort of gets the "deer in the headlights" look, like he's afraid that anything he says could blow up and make him sorry he ever mentioned it.


Why do you think that is?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

"can you shut up so I can watch the game?"

I'll never ask that question!

I know if I do she will go find a guy that will listen to her.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Have you been upfront with him about what you want to do that may be out of your everyday routine? It would not surprise me if you surprised him.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

heartsbeating said:


> Why do you think that is?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Two reasons: 1) I think men in our society are ever conscious of what is okay to ask of women and what is not. 2) We had a lot of tension in our marriage for ten years, partly because we don't communicate well. We're both trying to unlearn some responses and behaviors.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

RClawson said:


> Have you been upfront with him about what you want to do that may be out of your everyday routine? It would not surprise me if you surprised him.


There isn't anything in particular I'm looking to do--I'd like some guidance from him, but he is either satisfied or doesn't feel like he should ask . . . He likes it when I bring him lunch while he's working, or offer to take care of the evening routine with the kids so he can relax. If I press him he says it makes him happiest that I take care of myself physically so that sex is hot. Hmmmm. Maybe I'm taking the wrong approach even bothering with wifely duties other than sex. 

OKAY MEN: What do you want your wife to do IN BED, but are afraid to ask??????? 

Is that the question I should be asking?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

GettingIt said:


> OKAY MEN: What do you want your wife to do IN BED, but are afraid to ask???????
> 
> Is that the question I should be asking?


Nothing!
We have learned that not communicating just builds resentment.
So no I'm not afraid to ask for anal but will I get it?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm not afraid to ask her anything. I just already know the answer.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

I'm beginning to think that using the word "afraid" wasn't the right way to go . . . 

Or maybe this is hitting a sore spot with some folks? Anyway, my goal is to try to surprise my husband with some new things he might find very pleasing, but didn't want to ask because he feels it might make me feel he is asking too much. 

At any rate, I brought it up last night and did get some suggestions. I keep thinking that there has to be something he is too shy or inhibited to mention, though . . . 

I want fantasy level stuff here, I guess!


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## CaptainLOTO (Nov 6, 2013)

Once you provided a little more background, that helps...

When you said "2) We had a lot of tension in our marriage for ten years, partly because we don't communicate well. We're both trying to unlearn some responses and behaviors" - I can relate to that and give a possibly insightful answer.

Over the course of your marriage your husband got conditioned NOT to ask for things and after a while, he probably got to the point where his conscious mind doesn't even KNOW what he wants. If he ever has a thought that he really wants something, it's probably randomly throughout the day, not when you ask. When you ask, he's probably been conditioned that actually telling you will just lead down a path of frustration or negativity. (Anyway, that's where my marriage got to.)

So, it's not that he doesn't want anything, he just doesn't know it and when you ask it's like someone erased the chalk board. He knows there was an answer in there until just before you asked the question. The "deer in the headlights" look is that he's stunned that he can't think of anything, when you actually ask. 

So, what would I want... A REAL backrub from someone that is REALLY trying to make me feel good and relaxed. An occasional fun interruption while I'm working from home with some actual conversation (working from home can suck). An intelligent discourse about something that we both feel passionately about. Appreciation for providing for the family (I said thanks for every meal she prepared for 20 years) and I don't think I got thanked once for making us financially secure.

That's my list, but that doesn't mean its his.

If you want the bedroom list - well, we were pretty creative there so, I didn't want or need anything in that arena. I got everything I could want.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

CaptainLOTO said:


> Once you provided a little more background, that helps...
> 
> When you said "2) We had a lot of tension in our marriage for ten years, partly because we don't communicate well. We're both trying to unlearn some responses and behaviors" - I can relate to that and give a possibly insightful answer.
> 
> ...


You pegged it, Captain. Our dynamic was one in which he avoided conflict at all costs. We had a major reconciliation nine months ago and our relationship has rebounded to better than it was even before our troubled years. We are both highly aware of our "conditioning" and it is something we've talked about. He is having an especially hard time overcoming it with certain triggers, and I always try to keep that in mind, but I do think I tend to push it to the back of my mind since we've been so much happier. I wish it didn't have to be this way, but I also understand that it's really not something he can control. 



CaptainLOTO said:


> So, what would I want... A REAL backrub from someone that is REALLY trying to make me feel good and relaxed. An occasional fun interruption while I'm working from home with some actual conversation (working from home can suck). An intelligent discourse about something that we both feel passionately about. Appreciation for providing for the family (I said thanks for every meal she prepared for 20 years) and I don't think I got thanked once for making us financially secure.
> 
> That's my list, but that doesn't mean its his.


Right again. Those are all things he's hinted at. In short, I think he'd like to be the focus of my sole attention more often. We have three young kids, so I always felt drained of all mental energy by the end of the day, which contributed to our problems. Learning how to relax and put aside my own stresses so I can be present with him is something that I've learned to do. I've been terrible, really terrible, in the past about not thanking him/showing appreciation for what he contributes. I think he's felt undervalued for all his hard work because for years how much he worked was a point of contention between us. He always seems so pleased when I express gratitude to him now. Going out of my way to find out things I can do for him now is something that is helping me heal from those bad years. 



CaptainLOTO said:


> If you want the bedroom list - well, we were pretty creative there so, I didn't want or need anything in that arena. I got everything I could want.


I'm always interested in bedroom lists. Despite our marital issues, we have pretty explosive sexual chemistry and "creativity" hasn't been a problem. If he asks, I'll do it. It's just a matter of getting him to ask.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

My W does special things for me; gives me "snack packs" to take to work, always with a little note in there with it. She makes up matched sets of work clothes for my work seek and hangs them out for me. Things like that, little extra touches. 

I go home for lunch, a 15 minute drive each way, and I bring her notes at lunchtime.

What would I ask her to do? I guess I should ask this, since it would be cool. Answer the door naked when I come home from work, drop to her knees (or hands and knees) and go for it. That would put a smile on my face for days. The kind of things that make you really want to come home quickly!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

OK, some ideas in bed.

1) Do something totally different. It doesn't have to be crazy wild weird stuff. If you've never given him a strip tease, do one. Get some sexy underwear and a cheesy feather boa or a long silk scarf. Use the boa/scarf as a prop to wave around and slide around your body so that you can stretch out the time you spend slowly peeling off the layers and wiggling partially nude in front of him.

2) Get a blindfold and one of his neck ties. Tie him to a chair blindfolded. Or simply tie his wrists to the headboard of your bed. And then proceed to touch him etc.

3) You could add to the blindfold game the requirement that he tell you what he wants you to do next, or tell you where he wants you to touch him next. The idea is for him to have to communicate with you want he wants.

4) Another twist is to have a quiet meal with him alone, and make sure he has a glass of wine before eating so that he is relaxed. Then get him talking about some sort of romantic sex fantasy scenario. You could start by offering you saw something on tv or you read an article that said men fantasize about sex in the shower or some other such thing. Use it as a springboard to get him talking. Then do that fantasy thing for him.

5) Tell him you want him to groom your lady parts. You get a nice glass of wine, put on some music, and then find a way to recline relaxed while he gets to work with the scissors, razor, etc.

6) Give him a good massage. You can end it with sex, but make the massage real. Do it with you dressed (in something hot), him naked. Coconut oil is perfect, btw. It may be solid at room temp but it will liquify at body temp. Warm some gently (you don't need very much, maybe 1/4 cup) in a small bowl before you start. It smells fantastic and it makes the skin incredibly soft and supple. And it is totally safe if ingested....


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Thor said:


> OK, some ideas in bed.
> 
> 1) Do something totally different. It doesn't have to be crazy wild weird stuff. If you've never given him a strip tease, do one. Get some sexy underwear and a cheesy feather boa or a long silk scarf. Use the boa/scarf as a prop to wave around and slide around your body so that you can stretch out the time you spend slowly peeling off the layers and wiggling partially nude in front of him.
> 
> ...


These are great suggestions. We actually do use coconut oil quite a bit in bed, but for Christmas I got him some massage candles. He gives me awesome massages, and I want to return the favor. I should run out and find a new set of sexy underwear to go with the candles maybe? He's loves me in sexy underwear. I didn't want it to seem like a gift for me, though. 

He loves to watch me take a long bath in our garden tub. He'll pull up a chair and bring the wine, LOL! Perhaps I'll see if he's interested in some post-bath grooming. He likes to wash my hair, too. I just have a hard time relaxing enough for a bath very often. I'm thinking I should do it for him more often.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

GettingIt said:


> I'm beginning to think that using the word "afraid" wasn't the right way to go . . .


No, your word choice was fine. 

My wife dresses very, very well and I like it a lot. If I were to request something, it would be that once in awhile, she put the same effort into cleaning up and dressing up for me that she does for everyone at work. 

But the potential for a request like this backfiring and being spun negatively is huge....


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

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