# Not Cheating...yet...



## CrazyCora (Oct 5, 2014)

I have been married 8 years. A lot of those years have been rocky. Really rocky. But I love my husband and when I said "I Do" I made a commitment to him and to making this work. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of good times too. We have a lot of fun together sometimes.

The bad times can get pretty bad. Verbally, my husband will take the lowest blows he can. He was also the "scape goat" when he was a kid so now if he feels like you are blaming him for anything he comes unhinged. But that's not the biggest problem for me.

The biggest problem is his weight. Shallow I know. He was never a small guy. He's 6' 2" and built like a lumberjack. I'm good with that. I love my big strong man. BUT... I don't like the extra 50 lbs of soft and squishy he's grown around the middle since we got married. I am a very sexual person but am less and less attracted to him. I'm 5' 7" and 130 lbs. He outweighs me by double. Now, call me crazy, but having all that weight on top of me going to town isn't a lot of fun for me. I've worked really hard to keep myself in shape and not put on a bunch of weight after we got married. I want to look good for my husband so he stays attracted to me. I also want to be in good shape for my 4 yo son. 

I find myself looking and lusting at guys I don't even know. We go to the beach and I'm staring at some guy thinking about how it would be to run my hands over him. And he's not even a guy with 6 pack abs. Just a guy who doesn't have a gut hanging over his swim trunks. It's not like I expect my husband to be a muscle bound gym rat. I just want him not to have folds of fat on his back anymore. 

I recently got rid of FB and quit talking to a really good friend of mine (my best friends foster brother) because I was way too tempted to hook up with him and he was way too willing. I could see where it was going and it scared me that I wanted it to. 

I've tried talking to DH about his weight, I've tried telling him I want him to be around for our son and I worry about his health. I've tried getting rid of the junk food but he goes and buys more. I've tired running with him. I've tried counting calories with him. I've straight up told him that our current poor sex life would improve with weight loss. I've even gone as far as offering bedroom favors for pounds lost. What else can I do??? I know we both want more sex but the honest truth is right now it's once a week because I'm not attracted to all that extra weight and it's uncomfortable for me.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Your thoughts of infidelity are completely normal. Happens to everyone even in happy marriages.

When there is issues, those thoughts are magnified and can be LOT more dangerous.

So keep doing a great job managing your thoughts (seems like you are). Stay away from males and facebook!

You have 2 issues that I see. Your husband's defensiveness and weight.

I suggest you take these head on and have a serious conversation with your husband. 

FIRST, I would recommend setting some "fighting rules". When you guys have a discussion, make sure it is a healthy/.open environment that you BOTH can talk about anything.

Some examples of fighting rules:
No name calling
No anger
No screaming
No defensiveness

etc etc

When you sense or notice any of the below, it's BOTH of your responsibilities to walk away and come back at a later time.

Your goal is to be able to communicate ANYTHING to him (to an extent of course, don't tell him about your dirty thought hehe).

Good luck


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I praise you for getting rid of FB and stepping away from temptation. In that step alone you show your character and worth. 

I don't have a solution for you. People seem to only change when they want to or when they have to......not so much when someone else wants them to. You've already done a lot. I think the remaining options are going to be limited. No matter how this turns out though, keep taking the high road. You will be happy you did in the long run. Best of luck.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

He may not be successful in losing weight, but does he even try? 

The first thing that has to be accomplished is he needs to see this as a problem. If he thinks everything is honky-dory....nothing will happen.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

What kind of hobbies does he like? Is he interested in sports? Dancing? Hiking? Something else that is physical and can get him moving? 

Counting calories and straight up gym work won't last long term because he doesn't enjoy any of it and if the pounds don't move, it only gets worse and makes it harder for him to keep trying. Getting him to do something physical that he enjoys can be a more long term solution to help him lose weight and keep it off. Doing it as a family will also be great for all involved.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

You can't make someone change. It sounds like, your husband won the race (got you to marry him) and is slowly and more surely, "taking off the uniform." My wife sorta did the same, not intentionally, but I would say "not unintentionally." She was blessed with a good figure: tall, slender naturally, narrow waist but feminine hips and nice tatas, lol. Before kids, there were many instances of my trying to entice her to either workout with me, or just take up something like tennis, something active. She was never athletic, so anything requiring coordination like that wasn't "fun," I think she felt under pressure to be able to do it well (in all immodesty, I'm very athletic and take to a lot of sports easily). She never liked working out, she felt insecure she didn't know how to use equipment, etc..., and I found it very hard to be motivating without her interpreting it as criticism. That being said, she always maintained her general figure. Until kids....

She put on a lot of weight with my first, claimed ice cream was the only thing that settled her stomach.... I was supportive, of course, yet tried to be somewhat a voice of reason. It didn't matter. After kids, she never adopted any sort of routine to try to "bounce back" from pregnancy (agan, I offered, tried to encourage, support, things together, or not together pay for a class, whatever).

A few years ago, she finally seemed to find SOME motivation, a friend had the P90X dvd's. She did it for a while, but she dislikes exercie so much, with any hiccup in the schedule, it's the first to go, and it eventually died off again. It rears up now and again, but for the same reasons, dies off. It's just not something she cares to commit to wholeheartedly. She also doesn't pay a lot of attention to her diet. As a result, she has - with all due respect - the "typical" mom issues: stretch marks, probably 10-15 extra pounds around her middle, not a lot of tone at all.

I'm in a similar situation: is she some obese cow that just ballooned? No, but...I see a lot of women at my gym (fyi, one of whom gave birth to quads, and you'd never know by looking at her now, two years later) and think...gee....that'd be kinda nice.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

That is a good approach you have...keep temptation at arms length. Don't get drunk in any swingin bars, or go on any carribean cruises without hubby coming a long too. You can look, but dont touch!


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

changedbeliefs said:


> Way to veil that namecalling....gee, I almost didn't see it!
> 
> MY 'with all due respect' was precisely to your point, in recognition of the fact that it was largely out of her control. Yes, genetics play a large part in getting them, and not a lot of is effective in reducing/eliminating them. However, that being the case, one might think, "if I'm going to have stretch marks, they're at least going to be on a flat stomach," or similar.
> 
> So let's put this out to the audience: To what extent should a person feel responsible, obligated, motivated, whatever word you want to use, to maintain the physical appearance that attracte their spouse in the first place? We all age: should we go gracefully? Fight it? Say **** it, fat-and-happy baby!? What?


My H just loved me through my overweight period. This was BEFORE having a baby. He got tired of my pity party about my weight and started dragging me to the gym with him (he's a gym rat). He also got a personal trainer for me. When I started losing inches I started eating better. But it took me almost 6 years to go to the gym on my own. 

Ironically it wasn't until I got pregnant that fitness became a priority for me. Never once did he ever make a comment about my weight or what I was eating. Part of the motivation for me was watching trim and fit girls eyeing him while I had a blubber belly. And I also had a knockout figure when we got married.

Our baby is a year old now and I have my knockout figure back. But gosh dies it take HARD WORK to maintain it!

As for feeling obligated I just feel he deserves a wife that looks the best she can


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

changedbeliefs said:


> Way to veil that namecalling....gee, I almost didn't see it!
> 
> MY 'with all due respect' was precisely to your point, in recognition of the fact that it was largely out of her control. Yes, genetics play a large part in getting them, and not a lot of is effective in reducing/eliminating them. However, that being the case, one might think, "if I'm going to have stretch marks, they're at least going to be on a flat stomach," or similar.
> 
> So let's put this out to the audience: To what extent should a person feel responsible, obligated, motivated, whatever word you want to use, to maintain the physical appearance that attracte their spouse in the first place? We all age: should we go gracefully? Fight it? Say **** it, fat-and-happy baby!? What?


I call it like I see it. 

My husband has loved my body through all of the changes that have happened. He has never criticized my body. I have stretch marks across my abdomen and breasts(pregnancy), scars all over my right thigh and hip(surgeries), and I wouldn't call myself model like(stomach isn't completely flat, little pooch), but none of that matters to him. I eat healthy and "exercise" with running after our toddler, dancing, and walking with him in a stroller to the park. If my husband said something to me about my body in regards to stretch marks or something else, I'd pull away. To say I'm 'unattractive' would definitely not motivate me to want to feel sexy for my husband. A guy talking like you have would completely turn me off. 

In regards to my husband, he has some extra weight on him that he could lose. With that said, I have found him attractive no matter what because it's more than just his appearance that makes me love him. The most important thing to me is his health though. I make sure he eats healthy, at least for the most part, and exercises in some fashion. He takes our son jogging in the stroller, plays soccer, and sex burns calories, too. People respond better to love, respect, and appreciation, not criticism, disrespect, and pushing.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OP. I like your post because of your honesty and effort to stop yourself from cheating.

As shallow as your reasons may sound, they are your reasons and you need to be honest with your husband that you need more effort out of him, just reduce the gut, getting back in shape.

I know what it is like to burn with unquenched passion. I feel your pain. I never cheated but had to go through many years of communication and work with my wife. I was not willing to settle and let her know that I loved her dearly but needed more sexually.

If worse came to worse, I would have left before cheating.

let him know how much you are struggling with his extra 50lbs.

If you are willing to love him through it all and work on yourself as well, you should be able to overcome.

You might want to just bite the bullet and try initiating sex very often with him as well as communicating your issues. Men feel more loved and are more receptive and confident when satiated sexually.

Also, you might want to start taking more control in the bedroom. Make him be on the bottom more often and/or try laying on the edge of the bed with pillows underneath while he stands by the side of the bed. He will get great penetration without having to even be over/ on top of you.

If you are willing to give and work as well, maybe your husband will start to respond. 

How is his confidence level? Is he depressed?

A check up might not hurt either. His extra weight might have a medical issue, maybe not but worth a check.

Best wishes.


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## CrazyCora (Oct 5, 2014)

You are probably right about me needing to initiate sex more often. I've fallen out of the habit and I'm sure it's not helping. I want him to feel loved and needed. 

It's not just the look of the extra 50lbs but the health aspect as well. He already has high blood pressure (at age 30) and his family has a history of high cholesterol on both sides. He is also tired a lot more. But, is there anything wrong with wanting to keep having sex with the hunk I married? I work hard to keep myself in shape for him so is it terrible to expect the same? Of course I still love him, if it were all about looks I would have run off with some guy at the gym. Like I said before, I don't expect a body builder.

I have tried to get him to run with me but you guys are right, he hates it. He's never been built for running. And I feel kind of dumb I never thought of hiking once a week (we line in the mountains and he does enjoy it). I've always thought of exercise as running or the gym. With winter coming I guess I need to buck-up and go out in the snow with him. He loves snow and I hate it. But I think you guys are onto something and it will help if I show more interest in physical activities he likes.

I also like the rules about fighting. We are totally doing that!

@changedbeliefs: I understand what you are saying and do not think you were criticizing your wife for the stretch marks. I think we get nowhere with name calling IMHO.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Whatever you have to do to make him "get it", do it NOW...or else that 50 pounds may become 100 pounds.

If that means having yet another talk where you feel like you are in the position of being the bad guy, just do it. Tell him EXACTLY how you feel and don't pull punches. You don't have to be cruel to do this, but most people won't say it honestly ENOUGH. And then the spouse never hears how important this is and ends up even heavier.

The one thing that kinda annoys me about the men and weight gain versus women and weight gain...is that women tend to gain weight in their butts, hips, thighs and boobs, while men tend to gain weight only in their gut. So then when men are saying "hey I don't mind if you gain some weight baby, go ahead it adds to your curves" they usually DO mean it. But women don't typically feel the same because, it doesn't add to a man's curves it just makes him look like a potato. And I'm willing to bet that if women ONLY gained weight in their gut like a lot of men do, men wouldn't be so quick to encourage a little weight gain.

A big gut really is unattractive to most women...and it would be to men, too.


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## JASON56 (Aug 28, 2014)

One thing i will add, i am not sure of his age, but low Testosterone can cause weigh gain and belly fat..

I am 6`3 226 lbs, and at one time i had a bit of a spare tire .. My Testosterone was very low, and have been having injections for over a yr now, i notice now the last month, my stomach is near flat and tighter, my arms and chest have more muscle and the muscle is more pronounced.

My activity level or eating habits , have not changed at all..but having my levels now were they should be, and my body being more defined is a nice feeling..
its something to keep in mind.. T1 levels can drop as men get into there 40s.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

There is nothing at all wrong with how you feel. It's false advertising for a guy to put on a ton of weight after marriage. I am qualified to give this opinion because I gained about 60lbs since marriage.

I've since lost almost 40lbs but it hasnt made any difference. So I'm asking...are you absolutely sure that the weight loss would have your libido return? I'm not skepticle because I don't believe you, I'm skepticle because I think there is more to it given your EA.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Changed - 10-15 pounds isn't a huge amount. yes, it's enough to be squishy in places but barely enough to change the size clothing she wears. To stay within a 10-15 pound range of the size she was when married is really really tough.

Cora - yes it has to be up to him and it has to be for the right reasons. Based on the family history could you talk to his doctor, then get him to go for a check-up and have the doctor prescribe weight loss? Then you have an ally (his doctor) and the reason is focused mostly on health. Plus thyroid and testosterone can be checked to rule out other issues.

My ex would grab/measure/weigh me to try to shame me. It wasn't until I was tired of trying to do it to impress someone (even post-divorce) when I discovered my previously normal BP was inching upward that I focused on my health. Because I'd always been healthy until then - just not fit. Being told I wasn't sexy made me want to have sex even less.

Small changes maintained for 6 weeks to form a new habit before adding another small change. Never total deprivation - figure out a way for him to have SOME of what he loves, even if it has to be a small quantity. Get him to switch from an unhealthy snack to a healthy one. Take a 30 minute walk after dinner as a family every night. Get him to give up sugary drinks. Bit by bit you can help him implement change. Maybe if you see him keeping up the small changes you'll be patient enough with the weight loss. And lots of positive feedback and very little criticism. Let his Dr. be the one to criticize. Also have the doctor insist he comes back once a month or in two months to make sure he is making progress.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

JASON56 said:


> One thing i will add, i am not sure of his age, but low Testosterone can cause weigh gain and belly fat..
> 
> I am 6`3 226 lbs, and at one time i had a bit of a spare tire .. My Testosterone was very low, and have been having injections for over a yr now, i notice now the last month, my stomach is near flat and tighter, my arms and chest have more muscle and the muscle is more pronounced.
> 
> ...


that, or also very likely, thyroid issues - they can cause fatigue, slow metabolism, lower sex drive.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Yeah...the couple of times my husband told me he found my weight unattractive, I binged for a week afterward. The thing that he did that actually helped me lose weight was taking over cooking dinner. 

Are you the one that plans meals, shops for groceries and cooks? if you took more control of that it might help. If you are already doing that, where is he overeating? Pinpoint the source of the problem. Too big portions? Too many carbs? Not enough veggies?


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## Time4Joy (Dec 13, 2012)

If hubby is a fat slob and has an out-of-bounds potty mouth during arguments that's all on him. Don't tell me he can't lose weight or be civil. Are aliens in control of his mouth?

I'm 68. As a nice guy, i thought intimacy problem with wife of 4years might be due to weight/vigor. Hit the gym. Cut out alcohol. Started eating right. Trimmed off 35 pounds. After nine months Now a33 in waist/44 in chest and got my 16 inch arms back. 170 and 5'10". Working out 5 days a week. oh, still working 50 hours a week. Kiddos gone. Out to dinner at least 2-3 nights a week. I know we're not facing the same pressures as other couples.

It's helped some in the sack, but wife so LD that I need a defibrillator and not vibrator. Still we're up to 3x a week and I'm moving her slowly past the night of the living dead. (see thread"my wife's favorite position is corpse.)

But I digress. The point is if hubby stays unattractive and obnoxious you have choices.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

CrazyCora,

Your husband has lost your respect. That is very harmful to your relationship.

You should book MC. There you should talk about your feelings. It is not superficial to want a healthy attractive spouse. In MC you can say that you see other men who are looking good and think, yes, my husband can look like that.

Also, in MC you can say that you understand that you cannot change your husband but you can change yourself. You will not enable him to live an unhealthy lifestyle. You will not enable him to ruin your sex life without knowing that it is happening.

Is there a CrossFit gym in your town?

Can you book a personal trainer for your husband? 

If you look at YouTube, there so many people, both men and women with before and after pictures.

It is very important that you are somewhat blunt in MC because men are great deniers.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Whatever you have to do to make him "get it", do it NOW...or else that 50 pounds may become 100 pounds.
> 
> If that means having yet another talk where you feel like you are in the position of being the bad guy, just do it. Tell him EXACTLY how you feel and don't pull punches. You don't have to be cruel to do this, but most people won't say it honestly ENOUGH. And then the spouse never hears how important this is and ends up even heavier.
> 
> ...


I never thought about this before but it is probably true. Im trying to picture my H with a pot belly and I just cannot imagine it. So I don't know how I would react to it. To be truthful I dont even like it that he has bulked up (on purpose). I prefer his leaner cut with less muscle definition. I cant say it is unattractive I just like his leaner look better.


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## CrazyCora (Oct 5, 2014)

sinnister said:


> There is nothing at all wrong with how you feel. It's false advertising for a guy to put on a ton of weight after marriage. I am qualified to give this opinion because I gained about 60lbs since marriage.
> 
> I've since lost almost 40lbs but it hasnt made any difference. So I'm asking...are you absolutely sure that the weight loss would have your libido return? I'm not skepticle because I don't believe you, I'm skepticle because I think there is more to it given your EA.


Okay it's like this. I can start out the day wanting to have sex with my husband. So I text him at work and tell him so. All day I'm looking forward to putting our kid to bed. But when it comes down to naked time it's kind of a let down. When your gut is the most prominent thing on your body it is a bit of a turn off. I WANT to have more sex with my husband (we're currently 1-2 times per week). The problem is I am lusting after guys with a more trim waistline. Not because I hate my husband or want to be rid of him but because I want to run my hands over a man who keeps in shape. I may be over sharing here...

I do most of the cooking in our house and I cut out the cream, butter, tons of cheese, etc a couple of years ago. I count calories (for the most part) so it's important to me that we have good foods on hand or I go off the deep end and eat all the sugar I can find. The problem is that hubby doesn't always eat the lunch I packed him (opting for fast food with the guys) AND he will run by the grocery store after work and grab Mountain Dew and Doritos and bring them home. Drives me batty!!! Like you guys have pointed out, he has to WANT to change. But I really want to help him want to 

I am thinking that MC might be a good idea. More for someone to mediate so things don't get ugly than for really amazing advice. I want to stay with my husband and not do anything to screw that up. I married him because he's a really great guy and I do love him. I just want to be able #1: To be attracted to him again and not have him die of a heart attack at age 50, and #2: To give my opinion on things without him thinking I'm telling him he is wrong and getting angry and defensive as often.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Whoa! Imagine if a man wrote this, my wife has gained a few pounds, and I am now looking at other women; I have told her about 100 times to lose weight and told her she is now unattractive and not sexually appealing but it doesn't seem to help. We'd have a 100 you are beautiful, he should accept you the way you like, he's borderline abusive, you deserve better posts.


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## CrazyCora (Oct 5, 2014)

Its 50 lbs, not a few. We are still having sex. It's not like I think he's a fat slob and won't sleep with him. I was just being honest and looking for suggestions to help in my marriage. Your summary of my OP is quite skewed. If you are just going to criticize don't bother posting please. I'm not trying to belittle my husband. But tell me, do you never check out someone besides your spouce? Maybe you just don't admit it.


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## Marriedand40 (Aug 19, 2013)

CrazyCora:

You are absolutely right in your rants. Coming from a man, your husband is super selfish. He has gotten to the point of a sexist attitude if you ask me. "I'm the man, when I want sex I get it" type of mentality and "My wife doesn't tell me what to do, etc, etc." When he has a gorgeous fit wife who does all the cooking and cleaning and alot of parenting, he better realise what he has. When you tell him that guts aren't sexy he better lose it ASAP! He is very lucky you haven't cheated on him. Big stomachs are the number one turn off for both sexes, it's not attractive people. I wear a 32 inch pant and I want to get to 30 to 31 in waist. A man can forgive a bit of a stomach if his wife had children, we aren't that shallow but it is easier for a man to get in shape than a woman. I can't imagine how awful that must be for a big fat guy to be thrusting away at you. What enjoyment is that for you? If I were you I would ground him from sex until he starts being a real man and learn to appreciate having an incredibly sexy wife. My wife is 10 to 15 pounds overweight and it does affect our sex life. Facts are facts, if one person can work out and be fit, there isn't any reason why the other person can't either. We shouldn't have to cuddle our partners. Life is too busy and too short for that.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

About women and childbirth...

I have surgical scars you could play tictactoe on. two c-sections, a post-natal abdominal surgery, open heart surgery and 3 repairs for a heart cath gone bad.

I gave birth to the babies my husband wanted, and had to have other surgeries to survive.

I walk, do yoga, and eat healthly. I will never look like I did a few years ago.

You do remember that "in sickness and in health" thing right?

No one ever stays looking the same as time goes on. No one.


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## JASON56 (Aug 28, 2014)

You cannot make another person into something you want...and people do change, you will not be the same mentally or physically, years from now..
50 LBS is not a huge amount for a 6 ft 2 guy...and there are other ways to have sex beside him on top...
I think you need to turn the tables, how would you feel if your husband felt like cheating because of something he didn't like.
for better for worse, and there will be many low points in a long turn marriage..


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

How to Tell Your Husband/Wife That They Are Getting Fat: 8 Steps

I actually disagree with this article on the point that I think you SHOULD make a huge point out of the attraction issue. It is really mostly about the attraction, because if it didn't turn you off you probably wouldn't even care that much.

I would be totally turned off by my hubby if he gained 50 pounds, and he's a sex god!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> How to Tell Your Husband/Wife That They Are Getting Fat: 8 Steps
> 
> I actually disagree with this article on the point that I think you SHOULD make a huge point out of the attraction issue. It is really mostly about the attraction, because if it didn't turn you off you probably wouldn't even care that much.
> 
> I would be totally turned off by my hubby if he gained 50 pounds, and he's a sex god!


Most of the time when I hear people say that the reason they want their partner to lose weight is for "health" reasons, I call BS in my mind. I think you are spot on here FW...it's about physical attraction, and people, both men and women, have been shamed about admitting that it IS about attraction because they are afraid of being called shallow. I'll just say it...if my wife gained 50 pounds, it would turn me off, and the health aspects of it would be secondary...because she'd still likely be healthy with even that weight gain.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> Most of the time when I hear people say that the reason they want their partner to lose weight is for "health" reasons, I call BS in my mind. I think you are spot on here FW...it's about physical attraction, and people, both men and women, have been shamed about admitting that it IS about attraction because they are afraid of being called shallow. I'll just say it...if my wife gained 50 pounds, it would turn me off, and the health aspects of it would be secondary...because she'd still likely be healthy with even that weight gain.


Agree. I couldn't imagine my GF + 50 lbs. would be a deal breaker. 

Staying in shape, for most of us, is hard work and doesn't get easier with age. Op talk honestly to your husband and see what he needs to help him loose the weight and try and be supportive of his plan. We'll be honest but leave out the wanting to rub your hands on other men part.


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## CrazyCora (Oct 5, 2014)

If I had gained 50lbs I could totally understand if my husbands eye wandered. Thoughts don't HAVE to turn into actions. However, it scared me that I was having these thoughts. It's not like I can't walk out the front door for fear I'll jump the first guy I see.

Let me also say my husband has psoriasis. Big, red, dry, blotches on his body. Sometimes, if he's been sick with a virus (cold, strep, etc) they can get really bad. I DO NOT hold this against him. It doesn't bother me at all. It's genetic and there is nothing he can do about it. Mostly I feel bad that he is self conscious about it when he is in a bathing suit. This, to me, is much the same as stretch marks, scars, birth marks, things that nothing can be done about. Weight gain can. 

I talked with hubby about this last night. Even told him that my eye had wandered. I tried really hard to let him know that I love him and still want him but am worried that he will continue to gain more weight if we don't change our lifestyles and eating habits. After a very long discussion we went though the house and got rid of all the "junk" food. He promised that if I make him a lunch he'll eat it and I promised to make healthy meals that actually taste good. We are also doing a "Biggest Loser" type competition with my best friend and her husband. Winners get the Losers to help with one home renovation project.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

CrazyCora said:


> If I had gained 50lbs I could totally understand if my husbands eye wandered. Thoughts don't HAVE to turn into actions. However, it scared me that I was having these thoughts. It's not like I can't walk out the front door for fear I'll jump the first guy I see.
> 
> Let me also say my husband has psoriasis. Big, red, dry, blotches on his body. Sometimes, if he's been sick with a virus (cold, strep, etc) they can get really bad. I DO NOT hold this against him. It doesn't bother me at all. It's genetic and there is nothing he can do about it. Mostly I feel bad that he is self conscious about it when he is in a bathing suit. This, to me, is much the same as stretch marks, scars, birth marks, things that nothing can be done about. Weight gain can.
> 
> I talked with hubby about this last night. Even told him that my eye had wandered. I tried really hard to let him know that I love him and still want him but am worried that he will continue to gain more weight if we don't change our lifestyles and eating habits. After a very long discussion we went though the house and got rid of all the "junk" food. He promised that if I make him a lunch he'll eat it and I promised to make healthy meals that actually taste good. We are also doing a "Biggest Loser" type competition with my best friend and her husband. Winners get the Losers to help with one home renovation project.


Way to go Crazy C!!! You rock! Too bad more people aren't as honest about what is going on inside them. You just showed a great amount of love for your husband and family!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CrazyCora (Oct 5, 2014)

I can't say he took it well at first and I can't say that there will never be backlash from it. But posting my concerns to people I don't know kinda helped me figure out how to say it to my husband without sounding like "Hey, fatty. Lose weight or I'm gunna hook up with someone else". A couple of people here took my posts that way and it made me have to figure out how to say what I was feeling a little better. 

I told him about me looking at other guys because I thought maybe that might be the only way for him to "get" what a serious problem this was for me. He did ask me outright if I had cheated on him and I was able to tell him NO with my head held high. I did confess that is why I deleted my FB page though.

Hopefully he'll really want to make some changes to his lifestyle. I also told him that I would try really hard to join him in activities he enjoys. I've been pretty selfish that way. I need to pay more attention to his wants.


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## GrannyMildew (Aug 15, 2013)

Hello Cora... After being married 40+ years and keeping my frame at below 110 pounds my entire adult life and exercising, I found you CAN NOT control anyone else's weight.

When I married hubby he was around 150 pounds and by his late 30 's balooned up to over 250. It took a massive heart attack and emergency quadruple bypass at age 45, to wise him up to his poor junk eating with no exercise. Add on top of that BOTH his parents died in their 50's. So part was genetics.

He is the youngest of 4 boys and the ONLY one who has had major health problems. 

He is down to 185, 15 years post bypass and now is on the transplant list. 

They have to get scared on their own to change unfortunately

RALLY sucks to be the spouse who goes through all the trauma with them though.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

CrazyCora said:


> I recently got rid of FB and quit talking to a really good friend of mine (my best friends foster brother) because I was way too tempted to hook up with him and he was way too willing. I could see where it was going and it scared me that I wanted it to.





CrazyCora said:


> I talked with hubby about this last night. Even told him that my eye had wandered. I tried really hard to let him know that I love him and still want him but am worried that he will continue to gain more weight if we don't change our lifestyles and eating habits. After a very long discussion we went though the house and got rid of all the "junk" food. He promised that if I make him a lunch he'll eat it and I promised to make healthy meals that actually taste good. We are also doing a "Biggest Loser" type competition with my best friend and her husband. Winners get the Losers to help with one home renovation project.





CrazyCora said:


> I can't say he took it well at first and I can't say that there will never be backlash from it. But posting my concerns to people I don't know kinda helped me figure out how to say it to my husband without sounding like "Hey, fatty. Lose weight or I'm gunna hook up with someone else". A couple of people here took my posts that way and it made me have to figure out how to say what I was feeling a little better.
> 
> I told him about me looking at other guys because I thought maybe that might be the only way for him to "get" what a serious problem this was for me. He did ask me outright if I had cheated on him and I was able to tell him NO with my head held high. I did confess that is why I deleted my FB page though.
> 
> Hopefully he'll really want to make some changes to his lifestyle. I also told him that I would try really hard to join him in activities he enjoys. I've been pretty selfish that way. I need to pay more attention to his wants.


Did you happen to tell your husband that it was your best friend's foster brother that you were eyeing? And that he was "way too willing" to participate? If not, you should... _this guy is no friend to your marriage, and *your husband deserves to know that*._


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## CrazyCora (Oct 5, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Did you happen to tell your husband that it was your best friend's foster brother that you were eyeing? And that he was "way too willing" to participate? If not, you should... _this guy is no friend to your marriage, and *your husband deserves to know that*._


Yes. I told him why I got rid of FB. Not that I "just got rid of it".


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## IWantGreatMarriage (May 20, 2014)

I admire your honesty Cora...honesty is almost always the best policy.
Hope you both keep your promises to each other


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I understand your feelings. I am in your same situation. My husband was military and had to stay under a certain weight. When we met he was 29 and you could see his abs, I found him very attractive. When he retired he started gaining weight. He now looks like he is 7 months pregnant. I have tried to get him interested in dressing better and taking care of himself but he doesn't seem to have the interest himself. My husband outweighs me by a good 80 lbs. I, like you, have kept myself up and still get guys coming up to me in the gym trying to create conversation. I know what you mean about when how it is to have this hug fat man on top of you. It is a turn off to say the least.


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## CrazyCora (Oct 5, 2014)

intheory said:


> Cora,
> 
> It sounds like you have made some good progress with your competition to lose weight with your friends.
> 
> ...



What scares me even more than him keeping this weight on is him gaining more. He has put most of this weight on since his job changed a year ago. Like I said, he's never been a small guy, but when he started a job where he is sitting most of the day he gained weight quickly. If I'm feeling this way now at 50lbs I'm pretty sure I won't love 100 extra lbs. My goal in being (maybe overly) honest with him was to, hopefully, get him to lose weight by changing his habits. But it was also to maybe keep any more weight gain at bay.

The lashing out is...well...That is why I say there may be backlash from being so honest with him. There is a good chance it will be brought up in our next fight. Some things I have learned to just let go and let roll off my back. This is going to have to be one of those things. I did it and I guess if he wants to yell at me for it later we'll just work through it.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Physical attraction is paramount to healthy life of intimacy. Some people place a higher value on the visual imagery of their partner...and this is totally normal. Don't let anybody shame you in to thinking otherwise.

I am in your husbands boat but I side with you. 

My fear is though...is that you've already reached a point where you are lusting over other guys. As a women your desire is much more easily satisfied if you were to go that route.

I think this is danger zone material. Its one thing to lose attraction for your partner. Its entirely another to start lusting after very attainable alternatives.


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## CrazyCora (Oct 5, 2014)

sinnister said:


> Physical attraction is paramount to healthy life of intimacy. Some people place a higher value on the visual imagery of their partner...and this is totally normal. Don't let anybody shame you in to thinking otherwise.
> 
> I am in your husbands boat but I side with you.
> 
> ...


Which is why I cut ties with the one person whom this was actually a possibility with. He was the only "guy" friend I had. I know that I got too close so I am conscious about it. Most days I am at home with my son. If I go out in the evenings it is always with my husband.


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## Marriedand40 (Aug 19, 2013)

Cora:

How is your husband's diet going? Is he acting more like a real man yet?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

CrazyCora said:


> Which is why I cut ties with the one person whom this was actually a possibility with. He was the only "guy" friend I had. I know that I got too close so I am conscious about it. Most days I am at home with my son. If I go out in the evenings it is always with my husband.


Good

Until your current relationship is settled and done with, do not go after other guys.

besides, any guy that wants a married woman is most likely NOT the guy you want to begin with.

right? RIGHT!

Talk to your husband from a "health" perspective but also be honest about how his weight turns you off and makes him less attractive to you.

he should take #1 concern seriously. After all you both want to live a long time.

he should take your 2nd concern even MORE seriously. After all he wants to stay in best shape possible for his lovely wife...right?

Keep at it, give him time, if you see no progress drop the hammer and tell him you are thinking about divorce.

Niether after that = serve him papers if this is a deal breaker to you.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Get him the book Married Man Sex Life Primer. By Athol Kay. You read it too.

Diet, exercise and hormone levels are required for him.

With exercise with free weights including squats, he can make a dent in his weight in under two months. Within 6 if he dedicates himself 3 times a week, you'll have a new man!

His total T should be between 700-900, Free T 20-25, Estrodoil 20-30. Find a doctor who understands hormones. Most have no clue and will say is is in some normal range. He can get custom made testosterone if needed for like $36 per month from a compounding Pharmacy. 

Research can be found at www.lef. Org.


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## Nexxtlife (Oct 26, 2014)

I could have written this exact post. I feel the same and now I'm depressed about it. It's really affecting my happiness and marriage. I would love to find a solution but my H has no energy or desire to even try to lose weight


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