# What a Christmas...



## Iglesias1970 (Jan 1, 2012)

Hi all, just registered on here today so please forgive me if my ramblings seem a bit disjointed.

A few days ago, 27th december, my wife announces that we're not working out together and she doesn't want to be with me any more. We have been together for 5 years, married for 18 months and it is a 2nd marraige for both of us. W has 2 step daughters who i play a big part in the life of, and the residential care is split 50/50 with W's ex husband. I'm in total shock and devastation at this. Even up until just before Christmas my W and myself had been on ok terms. Things hadn't been brilliant for the past month but i put this down to the stress of me having to find a new job, which now involves me working away from home 4 days per week and my W also starting a new job in the past month.

It seems like a switch has been flipped in the past few days and she has turned into an individual that i really don't recognise or even thought was possible. She brings up almost every disagreement we have had over the past few years and makes out as if it was a full blown war! I am desperately in love with her and can't understand her sudden total coldness towards me and doesn't even want to discuss things.

She has told me everything she is not happy about, all of which i believe have been blown out of proportion to a degree, but that his her view so i'll go along with them with a view to getting things back to the very happy way we were. I've told her i will do my utmost to change the things she doen't like but she keeps saying that i cant change my personality. I don't believe they are total personality changes, more reactions to certain situations, but she sees it in a different way. I've been pleading with her to give us a chance to work things out, this deterioration has been very sudden during a stressful time, but she has no interest saying things wont change and she doesn't want nus being false to each other! I'm at a total loss what to do. She knows exactly what i'm prepared to do yet she won't even look at me or give me the time of day at the moment. We've had an amazing amount of good times over the past 5 years, punctuated with disagreements and arguments like the vast majority of couples. I haven't asked her if she loves me as i dont think i'll be able to deal with the answer if it's a no at the moment. I'm in no way abusive, lazy, a gambler or drinker. She says Yes i'm not in perfect but her feelings to this level have come as an absolute amazement to me. 

For the past 4 days i've done nothing but be as calm as i can but cant stop myself getting upset. I've talked to her about things as much as possible and tried to stay away as much as possible. Until a few weeks ago we would text each other even if we were apart for a couple of hours. Now she won't even respond to my texts.

Any idea at what point i should stop the pleading and just let her be? I'm leaving for work for 3 days in 2 days so there will be a bit of space between us then. DO i contact her whilst away?

Sorry for the ramblings, any help gratefully received


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## jono (Jan 1, 2012)

Just posted a similar tale my friend.


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## Iglesias1970 (Jan 1, 2012)

jono said:


> Just posted a similar tale my friend.


Sorry to hear that. It sucks at any time of year! How you coping? My wife has gone from a lovely, kind personality to being nasty, cold and quite heartless personality overnight. It's really compounding the shock I'm feeling at her decision
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## jono (Jan 1, 2012)

Not coping well. I can only suggest you give her space & try to lay off the texts & phone calls. I'm experiencing exactly the same as you.

My wife also recounts every disagreement we've had blow by blow as substance to her decision.


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## Iglesias1970 (Jan 1, 2012)

jono said:


> Not coping well. I can only suggest you give her space & try to lay off the texts & phone calls. I'm experiencing exactly the same as you.
> 
> My wife also recounts every disagreement we've had blow by blow as substance to her decision.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Iglesias1970 (Jan 1, 2012)

jono said:


> Not coping well. I can only suggest you give her space & try to lay off the texts & phone calls. I'm experiencing exactly the same as you.
> 
> My wife also recounts every disagreement we've had blow by blow as substance to her decision.


Yeah I've been out for a couple of hours and decided that's the way forward. Gonna be hard as even up until Xmas eve we would text each other every couple of hours! Mines doing the same, memory of an elephant all of a sudden! Semms to have forgotten all the good times which far outweigh the disagreements. All the very best
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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Since your wife has taken the stance that her marriage was so awful then do not stand in her way and let her know that if its improtant to her then she sould leave immiediately. With a smile on your face wish her the best and ask her how many boxes will she nned to pack. 

The perseption here is a ficade that you only want the best for her and you will help her move on with out you by helping her pack. Showing her a confidence and control that will make her second guess her choices.

Never beg or cry for your marriage its unattractive and only empowers your spouse to treat you the way they want to treat you b/c they know you will tolorate it.

As hard as it is pull your self up and no matter how hard the facade is, your spouse must see a confident man that will succeed with or with out her and you love her but you will not be her doormat were she can emotionaly abuse you for having such a " terrible" marriage.

perception is everything here and as soon as your W sees you can comfortably and confidently move on with out her and are willing to move this forward as fast as possible by asking her to leave......YES SHE WANTS OUT, THEN SHE LEAVSE and helping by packing her things.

I understand you love your wife, but I can assure you once she see the reality of what she wants and has to do the heavy lifting in moving on with out you in a very timely manner, she will think twice.


I also suggest you quitely investigate the real reason your W has so suddenly decide to leave the security and stablity of a man that she choose to marry so many years ago. You may have been replaced. Either way your ability to show her a calm and controled alpha male that is confident in letting her go and helping achieve her goal in ending the marrige will empower you and leave your wife scratch her head....wondering if its the right choice for her and believing you will not be waiting around while she does what ever and with whom ever.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Your wife is a powerbroker right now, she knows she holds the spades to your happiness. Go into 180 mode and reclaim some of your power back. Start to think about self protections, your phsycial and mental well being as well as financial issues. I know ofthat I speak as 10 almost 10months ago I was dumped and in the worse way possible...won'tgo into that sad sotry ;o( But I got good news for you, things do get better and sometime they get better with the current mate ;o) Just be sure to gather your stength and put on the best face possible. Always have something to do...even if it is just going to the mall or movie or bookstore. Look and smell good as you come to and fro and let her get a grasp of what she will be missing if she loses out on you. I will be praying for you, and wish you the best in 2012 ;o)


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## Iglesias1970 (Jan 1, 2012)

Well a bit of an update. Went out for a drive last night for an hour to have some thinking time away from the house. Decided that I would take some of the advice on here and put on facade of being ok with her decision rather than the continuous pleading and crying. Kept that up this morn and w asked why I was so happy and she wasn't happy about her decision. Told her I'mnot happy but have accepted her decision and her unwillingness to attempt any reconcile and I've done all the pleading I can. Went out for the day to the football and had a text off her saying that she hopes I enjoy the match, with 2 x's at the end!! Found it really hard but didn't reply, we usually send each other at least 10 texts per day! Came home this eve and w looked really sad and fed up. It really hurt me to see her that way but I kept up my facade and asked about her day etc. she kept asking why I was being so nice when she is so nasty and is wrecking people's lives. I said that i don't want to see her sad and we should help each other through this. I stupidly then said it should be me that's cut up not her and that she should be relieved now that everything is off her chest and she has made her decision. She then stormed off saying she doesn't know what she wants, doesn't want to wreck people's lives. Even more stupidly I cracked and followed her asking if she was having second thoughts. I then got the now standard response of 'stop talking to me, I don't think it will work'. Why oh why did I follow her? God this is hard!!!
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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Don't be hard on yourself. The 180 is no piece of cake so it's normal that people fall off the wagon a few times before they can do it without even thinking about it. Get up, dust yourself off, and get back on that 180 pony.

BTW, you did a pretty good 180, for a newbie.


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## jono (Jan 1, 2012)

Yeah you ****ed up. Experienced the same thing. I am having doubts etc as to my decision. The minute you tell them you still love them, still want them, they go back into rejection mode


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

If you did not get a copy of the 180 process:

The Healing Heart: The 180

Not easy at all...it is working. Be strong.


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## Iglesias1970 (Jan 1, 2012)

morituri said:


> Don't be hard on yourself. The 180 is no piece of cake so it's normal that people fall off the wagon a few times before they can do it without even thinking about it. Get up, dust yourself off, and get back on that 180 pony.
> 
> BTW, you did a pretty good 180, for a newbie.


thx for the kind words. Every time i think i'm gonna crack from now on maybe i should log on to the forum to find the resolve to stick with it
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## Pathfinder (Jan 1, 2012)

Log on and spill your emotions, this place is saving me at the moment. The 180 isn't easy, I know. I just want to grab my wife and hold her and be an idiot but I always say in my mind 180, 180, 180. You have to maintain your focus. Remember whatever you feel on the inside must not affect what you project, a happy and confident person. Fake it until you make it. I am doing the 180 for 3 days now and my danger is not getting excited when I see a response. I am busy processing letting go and life after this. That is what the 180 is for...YOU! To help YOU get yourself together and give you the best chance to survive and move on. If your spouse comes back, awesome! If not well you still have this new outlook that will help you get stronger every day. We are all here for you
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## Iglesias1970 (Jan 1, 2012)

morituri said:


> Don't be hard on yourself. The 180 is no piece of cake so it's normal that people fall off the wagon a few times before they can do it without even thinking about it. Get up, dust yourself off, and get back on that 180 pony.
> 
> BTW, you did a pretty good 180, for a newbie.


thx for the kind words. Every time i think i'm gonna crack from now on maybe i should log on to the forum to find the resolve to stick with it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Iglesias1970 (Jan 1, 2012)

jono said:


> Yeah you ****ed up. Experienced the same thing. I am having doubts etc as to my decision. The minute you tell them you still love them, still want them, they go back into rejection mode


hello mate, sorry to hear you fell of the wagon also. Take it one day at a time i suppose. Working away for 3 days now so at least i'm not at home with her so hopefully less easy to crack. All the best.
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## Iglesias1970 (Jan 1, 2012)

Pathfinder said:


> Log on and spill your emotions, this place is saving me at the moment. The 180 isn't easy, I know. I just want to grab my wife and hold her and be an idiot but I always say in my mind 180, 180, 180. You have to maintain your focus. Remember whatever you feel on the inside must not affect what you project, a happy and confident person. Fake it until you make it. I am doing the 180 for 3 days now and my danger is not getting excited when I see a response. I am busy processing letting go and life after this. That is what the 180 is for...YOU! To help YOU get yourself together and give you the best chance to survive and move on. If your spouse comes back, awesome! If not well you still have this new outlook that will help you get stronger every day. We are all here for you
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi, thanks for the advice. How soon into the situation did you start the 180? I'm struggling with the total change in my wife's personality and the speed it has changed at the moment. For example we always hold hands in bed and fall asleep holding hands. Even up to 2 weeks ago. But now she wont even be in the same soon as me and can hardly speak to me. And she's the one who has out of the blue decided to split with no intention of attempting to make it work. Gee i'm confused!
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## Pathfinder (Jan 1, 2012)

The truth is with women, things don't just happen. There are warning signs and little indications and that's why I pay special attention to what is going on around me. I have been in this for 3 months now but she says it has been building for nearly a year. I don't care, in all that time she could have said something but she didn't, she let it fail or maybe I was too deaf. It aint over til its over! Remember that but at the same time you shouldn't hold out hope because trying to control her now will just drive her away. My wife also withdraws into herself, she has never been affectionate but of course now she ignores me but that is starting to bug her because she isn't used to me ignoring her so she is coming to me. My advice is not easy but it is sound. Follow that 180 like your life depends on it. Maybe she just needs time to process things and she won't be able to figure out if she has feelings for you still if you are bombarding her. Give her space, 180 the hell out of it and she will come to you if its meant to be otherwise she will leave and although you cannot stand that thought, ultimately it will be best for both of you. Just concentrate on fixing yourself and get out her way
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## Pathfinder (Jan 1, 2012)

And another thing about contact. My wife and I communicate almost hourly. That started to dwindle, now I have 180 and don't contact or talk unless she starts. She is entering that phase of WTF, you ignore me and I will ignore you back. Its very hard because everytime my phone goes my heart leaps but I must tough it out because I know the next phase will be all her wondering WTF is going on in my life that is so important that I no longer run after her. When that hits I will know for sure. She will either retreat and leave me or start pursuing me. That's why it is so important to follow the 180 so hard, if you fail, dust off and go hard again but keep going until you are whole again
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## Iglesias1970 (Jan 1, 2012)

Pathfinder said:


> Log on and spill your emotions, this place is saving me at the moment. The 180 isn't easy, I know. I just want to grab my wife and hold her and be an idiot but I always say in my mind 180, 180, 180. You have to maintain your focus. Remember whatever you feel on the inside must not affect what you project, a happy and confident person. Fake it until you make it. I am doing the 180 for 3 days now and my danger is not getting excited when I see a response. I am busy processing letting go and life after this. That is what the 180 is for...YOU! To help YOU get yourself together and give you the best chance to survive and move on. If your spouse comes back, awesome! If not well you still have this new outlook that will help you get stronger every day. We are all here for you
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi, thanks for the advice. How soon into the situation did you start the 180? I'm struggling with the total change in my wife's personality and the speed it has changed at the moment. For example we always hold hands in bed and fall asleep holding hands. Even up to 2 weeks ago. But now she wont even be in the same soon as me and can hardly speak to me. And she's the one who has out of the blue decided to split with no intention of attempting to make it work. Gee i'm confused!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Please keep in mind the purpose of the 180. It's not to change her mind, it's to put you in a better place to move on. It MAY change her mind, but that should be a bonus, not the reason for doing it.

If you don't understand this, you run the risk of multiple setbacks and frustrations, and you may just end up disappointed in the end. Your current regression happened because you thought you saw a crack in her armor, because you're doing it to try to change her. If you were doing it to change you, you wouldn't have carried about that crack, and it would have continued to expand on its own, if it was going to.

C
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## Iglesias1970 (Jan 1, 2012)

PBear, Pathfinder - many thanks for the reply. If i'm being honest with myself the reason i am doing it was to hope that she changes her mind. I'm still too shocked and raw at the moment to acknowledge the fact that i will have to move on. I acknowledge things about myself that would need to change but i'm not in a position yet to admit the marriage is over. So maybe the 180 isn't right for me quite yet?


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## Pathfinder (Jan 1, 2012)

Believe me I know what you are going through. I know the idea of losing your wife terrifies you but believe me when I tell you she is just as scared and confused as you are and right now if you push her you WILL LOSE HER. Show her you can be strong, confident and that you can man up. I made the mistake you are making and it cost me dearly. Brother! Give her space to heal a bit and she will come to you in her own time. It will make her feel safer and maybe things will come right. If you stay the same and don't change then what are you telling her other than maybe her decision was right
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