# Is this marriage worth saving?



## TheLoneWife (Nov 22, 2016)

My husband and I are coming up on our first wedding anniversary. We've been together over 6 years now (however, we're both still very young, 24 & 26). We've always had what seemed to be the perfect relationship - in everyone else's eyes. We've fought about the amount of sex that wasn't happening, our stubbornness, and all of the other expected relationship quarrels. A few years ago my husband endured a tremendous loss in his life and has not been the same since. He never dealt with his grief properly and always seems to take it out on me. We've been through rough patches before but these last couple months have been the worst. The spark is gone, the romance seems to not exist anymore, more often than not it feels like we're just roommates rather than spouses. He feels like the superior one in the relationship, he's the one who makes the money and in his eyes does the most around the house, "his" house as he has referred to it multiple times. He does do a ton around the house don't get me wrong, but I believe that I contribute too, keeping the house cleaned and whatnot while furthering my education in order to bring in more money to the household in the long run. He has been fairly controlling in the relationship since becoming the sole earner, deciding when and what of "his" money can be spent. These actions have left me feeling inadequate and unappreciated. He also never wants to spend any time with my family which is now his family and has always treated him as such, he has even gone as far as to treat them rudely sometimes as well as mentioning how much he doesn't like having people over "his" house.. while we were entertaining. All of these little things have built up and I don't know what to do anymore. We have had numerous talks/fights about these feelings recently. He had been having feelings of being under appreciated because of my "lack of contribution to the household" in which he stated we should "cut our losses" if things weren't going to change. After these talks I felt like nothing was going to change and that maybe a divorce would be the best thing for us since we seemed to be unhappy with each other, I had thought I decided I was done. Now he seems to want to try and make things work again, but I don't have much hope for change and almost seem disappointed by the fact that he thinks we can change. I'm afraid that we're just going to end up in the same cycle as always and each time it gets worse and worse. I have a feeling there is someone who can make me happy consistently not just some of the time. I don't know what to do.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

The first question is do you love him? Does he love you? If so I think marriage counseling would be a very good thing for you guys. The good thing is you guys talk about these things. Also it sounds like your husband never truly grieved for his loss. Relationships take work, sometimes it isn't easy. If you have a true love between you don't just give up on it, if both of you are willing to work. Finally what ever you do don't have kids until you get this straight.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Why dont you consider professional help. Sometimes it is good to get an outside perspective when you are both feeling so overwhelmed.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
If you truly feel that there is better awaiting you and that change is improbable to impossible then it would probably be prudent to separate. With that mindset any chance at improvement would most likely fail as a self fulfilling prophecy.


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

TheLoneWife said:


> My husband and I are coming up on our first wedding anniversary. We've been together over 6 years now (however, we're both still very young, 24 & 26). We've always had what seemed to be the perfect relationship - in everyone else's eyes. We've fought about the amount of sex that wasn't happening, our stubbornness, and all of the other expected relationship quarrels. A few years ago my husband endured a tremendous loss in his life and has not been the same since. He never dealt with his grief properly and always seems to take it out on me. We've been through rough patches before but these last couple months have been the worst. The spark is gone, the romance seems to not exist anymore, more often than not it feels like we're just roommates rather than spouses. He feels like the superior one in the relationship, he's the one who makes the money and in his eyes does the most around the house, "his" house as he has referred to it multiple times. He does do a ton around the house don't get me wrong, but I believe that I contribute too, keeping the house cleaned and whatnot while furthering my education in order to bring in more money to the household in the long run. He has been fairly controlling in the relationship since becoming the sole earner, deciding when and what of "his" money can be spent. These actions have left me feeling inadequate and unappreciated. He also never wants to spend any time with my family which is now his family and has always treated him as such, he has even gone as far as to treat them rudely sometimes as well as mentioning how much he doesn't like having people over "his" house.. while we were entertaining. All of these little things have built up and I don't know what to do anymore. We have had numerous talks/fights about these feelings recently. He had been having feelings of being under appreciated because of my "lack of contribution to the household" in which he stated we should "cut our losses" if things weren't going to change. After these talks I felt like nothing was going to change and that maybe a divorce would be the best thing for us since we seemed to be unhappy with each other, I had thought I decided I was done. Now he seems to want to try and make things work again, but I don't have much hope for change and almost seem disappointed by the fact that he thinks we can change. I'm afraid that we're just going to end up in the same cycle as always and each time it gets worse and worse. *I have a feeling there is someone who can make me happy consistently not just some of the time.* I don't know what to do.


1. Seek couples counseling

2. The part of your message that I bolded. It isn't healthy to make someone else responsible for your happiness. It's your responsibility.


----------



## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

You guys are still kids (from where I sit) and have just gotten married. You are both still trying to figure out how to be a human being. Follow the advise of the other posters and seek professional help. 

As for your feeling that there is somebody better out there, look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Do I make him happy consistently or just some of the time?"


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Seeing no signs of infidelity present, this marriage is certainly sustainable through psychological and/or pastoral counseling!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

We live in a throw away society. 

A marriage isn't a crummy spatula from the Dollar Store. We shouldn't toss it in the trash for another one because another one might look like it will be more consistent at its spatula job. It's a marriage, vows were taken. 

No relationship is going to be perfect, massively fulfilling all the time. Effort on your part and his is certainly needed! It has only been a year, and from what I am hearing, these are things that could completely be worked through. 

If you are religious seek counseling there, and/or there is always couples counseling. 

Focus on the good in each other, why you fell in love with him, work through the challenges and it will make you and your marriage much stronger in the long run. All my best.


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

KillerClown said:


> You guys are still kids (from where I sit) and have just gotten married. You are both still trying to figure out how to be a human being. Follow the advise of the other posters and seek professional help.
> 
> As for your feeling that there is somebody better out there, look in the mirror and ask yourself, *"Do I make him happy consistently or just some of the time?"*


I don't agree with the bolded part. You don't make someone happy. You treat them with love and respect and if that makes them happy great. If not then the problem is with them or maybe you just don't work as a couple. No fault with either person, just incompatibility.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I don't get this. The husband makes all the money in the household and the wife is ok with that (of course, I'd like to sit on my ass and do nothing all day to)...BUT goes to say that this is controlling. No wonder this guy wants out. My wife did exactly the same thing.


----------



## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

VermisciousKnid said:


> I don't agree with the bolded part. You don't make someone happy. You treat them with love and respect and if that makes them happy great. If not then the problem is with them or maybe you just don't work as a couple. No fault with either person, just incompatibility.


Please respect the OP and address the OP with your response. It's rude. This isn't a thread for having debates.


----------

