# Should I do NC with my wife?



## FriedEgg (Oct 28, 2009)

As a bit of background, my wife started meeting up with a "friend" 8 months into our marriage, then after we were temporarily apart while I started school, she continued to progress their relationship while taking "space" away from me. When I found notes, texts she sent him that suggested she was having an affair, she denied and swore she wouldn't see or talk with him again. The space from me continued, and she went to the concert with that guy the very next day. 

I realized yesterday that it's not just the lies that make her behavior unacceptable. If the marriage was truly important to her, and her husband finds out she's been talking to another man, even if it IS just friendly (which there's no way in hell it was), she should be happy to cease communication with him...not continue to see him and lie to her husband about it (I caught her in many of these lies, subsequently). She swears she isn't talking to him anymore, and says she wants to work on the marriage. But, she's not willing to move out here yet or take any major steps to fix anything. 

Last week, she said she really wanted to see me. She cancelled the plans she had one night to come see her husband, as she put it. We met halfway, spent the night together in a hotel. She said throughout the time we were together that it felt like the good old times again. But, at the end of the visit, she said she still couldn't move out to be with me because of everything that had happened (she says it's the rumors being spread by her friends about her, but I think she meant her tainting the marriage with her interaction/affair with the other guy). We decided a couple days ago that I wouldn't pressure her to make a decision anymore, and she said she wanted to slowly rebuild things, gradually texting/talking more often, to see where it leads. I agreed.

She sends me a few texts throughout the day while she's at work, and that's it. She says she wants me to focus on my finals, but come on. She had the entire day off yesterday, and sent me a text at like 1:30pm telling me about playing with a puppy. I asked her about it, and didn't get a text response until 8 hours later. I ignored it. If she truly wanted to communicate with eachother more often, wouldn't she make more effort? She sends another text this morning simply saying, "hello I hope you have a great day!". I have not yet responded.

She hasn't racked up my credit cards, said hateful things toward me, or outwardly admitted that she's seeing somebody else. But, all things considered, it seems clear that she no longer cares much about our marriage (even if she sends a few texts here and there to let me know she is at least thinking about me). She hasn't even truly apologized for what I found out she was doing! Before I found out, she was blaming me for all our marital issues and why we weren't having sex, but it was she who was sleeping on the couch every night to talk to this guy. She should be begging me to take her back, and she can't even say she feels bad about what happened.

At this point, I no longer want this middle ground B.S. anymore. I either want her to come back to me to work on our marriage, or I want to move forward without her. Since I cannot force her to make a decision (she says she's not ready to make a decision), I need to back off. Would NC be appropriate? Where I basically ignore any contact from her unless she is outwardly apologizing about everything that happened and truly shows she wants to come out and work on our marriage together? Or, given the agreement we had, should I continue to not reach out to her but respond when she reaches out to me? While this seems more respectful, I sort of want her to feel what it's like to be without me. She gets to have me respond whenever she reaches out to me, and that won't help her get to where she needs to be, I'm guessing. But, is NC more for people who have already split up and just want to move forward? 

Looking forward to your thoughts.


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Yes, you should absolutely go no contact (the other term is a 180 - it's from Marriage busters). You are being kept as an option while she see's how the other thing is going to pan out. It's totally disrespectful, and typical of cheating spouses.

She may not be able to make a decision, but YOU can. You may tell her: "I don't feel honored in this relationship, and clearly something is going on with the other man. You actions have lead me to the conclusion that we need to end this marriage. I'm filing for divorce." Then go dark. If she really wants to make things work, it will serve as a wake up call. If not, you've ended it with some dignity and your self-esteem intact.


----------



## FriedEgg (Oct 28, 2009)

seeking sanity said:


> Yes, you should absolutely go no contact (the other term is a 180 - it's from Marriage busters). You are being kept as an option while she see's how the other thing is going to pan out. It's totally disrespectful, and typical of cheating spouses.
> 
> She may not be able to make a decision, but YOU can. You may tell her: "I don't feel honored in this relationship, and clearly something is going on with the other man. You actions have lead me to the conclusion that we need to end this marriage. I'm filing for divorce." Then go dark. If she really wants to make things work, it will serve as a wake up call. If not, you've ended it with some dignity and your self-esteem intact.


That's how I feel too. The fact that she kept trying to hide their contact with one another suggests that she is still seeing/talking to him. The fact that she is not yet ready to make a decision on our marriage or move out suggests she is trying to see what happens out there and keep me here all along.

I really don't even feel like telling her anything right now, but just going dark. Is that acceptable?


----------



## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

If she wants your marriage to work, she'd take the leap and move out there. Sometimes you have to take a chance and make sacrafices for the one you love. She seems unwilling to do that and just wants to ride the fence until the best option pops up. Wow, I sound mean there, sorry.

Honestly, I wouldn't be jumping up to respond to her texts. I'd let her wait for them, like you've been doing. Stop volunteering everything about what you're up to. Essentially, treat her how she's treating you for a while. Maybe it will wake her up, maybe it won't. Maybe you'll have made a decision about what you're willing to live with, or how long you're willing to live in limbo by then.

This is your decision too. She has a choice on whether she wants to work on your marriage or not. You have a choice on whether you're willing to wait or for how long you'll wait.


----------



## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

I have to go with Sanity's advice - which has been pretty solid on these forums. You need to give your wife an ultimatum and then back off.

Get a lawyer and start the process. You will either get divorced or she will come back to you. Either way, she'll get the wake up call she needs.


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

> I really don't even feel like telling her anything right now, but just going dark. Is that acceptable?


Yes, absolutely. For the record, you are handling this exceptionally well. If she wants back in, it will mean transparency, honesty, disclosure, and a hell of a lot of forgiveness from you.

If it's any consolation: It's better that this nonsense started so early in your marriage, when it happens after 15-20 years of being married, kids, mortgage, etc, it's way messier. You deserve a woman that's going to treat you honorably.


----------



## FriedEgg (Oct 28, 2009)

She sent me a text saying she has to talk with me about something. I wasn't sure if it was serious, so I picked up. She wanted to tell me that her brother is going to be taking photographs of the firefighters (in their button-ups) next to her office for some city council meeting. She is going to go with him since he doesn't know anybody there, and the aforemention "friend" is going to be there. She was calling me to tell me about this and ask if it is okay that she accompanies her brother. I acted as if I didn't really care.

She then said she got my text response late last night, which explains the 8 hour gap. I started asking her about her day off yesterday, but maybe my tone was taken as inquisitive. She started asking me if everything was okay. Even though I responded it was, she said she knew me and it seems like I am upset about something. Maybe she thinks I was trying to ask her what she was up to all day yesterday, when in fact I was just curious. I guess I'm not supposed to ask these things...


----------



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

seeking sanity said:


> Yes, you should absolutely go no contact (the other term is a 180 - it's from Marriage busters). You are being kept as an option while she see's how the other thing is going to pan out. It's totally disrespectful, and typical of cheating spouses.
> 
> She may not be able to make a decision, but YOU can. You may tell her: "I don't feel honored in this relationship, and clearly something is going on with the other man. You actions have lead me to the conclusion that we need to end this marriage. I'm filing for divorce." Then go dark. If she really wants to make things work, it will serve as a wake up call. If not, you've ended it with some dignity and your self-esteem intact.


FriedEgg, the above advice seeking sanity has given you is nothing short of golden. I am between that 15-20 year point he spoke of and it is unbelievably "messy". It's almost to the point of paralyzing, because there is so much junk to separate.

Furthermore, you are only 8 months into your union. It doesn't get any better. Trust me. Dear God, my wife was "good" until year 17.
If your wife returns with a contrite heart then maybe you can salvage it. If not...you deserve better. I wish you the best. LIL


----------



## FriedEgg (Oct 28, 2009)

She tells me that she wants to communicate more, but she can't really do anything other than send a few texts and ONE short phone call while she was at work within the last four days. After work is over, she never sends me texts or tries to call me. That story she told me about the eight hour gap between her texts on her day off, I don't believe it. I remember a few months ago she was out drinking with her friends, was supposed to come back at 10p, rolled in at 2a. She swore she tried to call me to pick her up, but I checked her phone and there were no outgoing calls.

If she truly wanted to "rebuild" our relationship, wouldn't she have at least texted me or called on a Friday night? Maybe she is concerned with me studying for finals, but one would think she could at least reach out. I am tempted to take some sort of action, but I'm not sure what to do. Here are a couple options I can think of.

1. Just go dark without any explanation, ignore any contact from her.

2. Call her quickly and tell her I know she's still seeing the other man, and that I refuse to be disrespected in our marriage any more. That her actions are leading me to file for divorce. then go dark.

3. This "friend" of hers works at the fire department next to the school/healthcare facility my wife works at. The firefighters apparently come over periodically to interact with the kids, etc. I could call his station chief and let him know that one of his firefighters came over and began flirting with my wife, hitting on her, and that they are now having an affair. I could call my wife's work on Monday and tell them something similar. Before I do all this, I could do option #2. 

What do you all think?


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

> 2. Call her quickly and tell her I know she's still seeing the other man, and that I refuse to be disrespected in our marriage any more. That her actions are leading me to file for divorce. then go dark.
> 
> 3. This "friend" of hers works at the fire department next to the school/healthcare facility my wife works at. The firefighters apparently come over periodically to interact with the kids, etc. I could call his station chief and let him know that one of his firefighters came over and began flirting with my wife, hitting on her, and that they are now having an affair. I could call my wife's work on Monday and tell them something similar. Before I do all this, I could do option #2.


I'd do both of these. Really, what do you have to lose? She's already checked out of the marriage, by the sounds of it. The advice I got that I didn't heed early on was to watch ACTIONS, not WORDS. She acts unloving, disinterested, and like she takes you for granted. Sure she may say she wants better communication, but what is she doing to actually communicate better?

You probably don't want to call wife's work. Firefighters are in a position of authority, your wife is not. Telling on her to colleagues doesn't accomplish anything other picking a fight.

Create some stress for the other man. Tell your wife you are done and see what happens. What's the worst that come from it?


----------



## FriedEgg (Oct 28, 2009)

seeking sanity said:


> What's the worst that come from it?


She gets upset, I get to focus on myself, and eventually find myself in a relationship with somebody who's more respectful?


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Ta-da!


----------



## FriedEgg (Oct 28, 2009)

Do I tell her that I'm contacting the station chief when I have my short conversation with her?

Also, in my letter to the station chief, should I implore him to take action and threaten to contact the city hall, council to let them know what's going on in their fire stations?


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

For goodness sake, leave the fire station out of this. You and your wife had marital issues. She took the coward's way out and started having an affair. The OM is not relevant. She either chooses to be married or she doesn't. If that choice doesn't make her come around, all you've done by dragging the FD into it is made your private business public. 

I am not a real believer in dragging "guilty 3rd parties" into a marital problem. The marriage broke down first, so the 3rd party did not destroy the marriage and does not keep a spouse from returning to the marriage. The marriage breaks down b/c of the people in it, and it heals or does not heal b/c of the two people in it. Threats to expose people to job loss means they make their choices (to continue or discontinue the affair) out of fear--and honestly, do you want to be married to someone who chose you out of FEAR?? You are much better off moving on and finding someone who chooses you out of LOVE. If a spouse is too fearful to leave on their own (which is what adults do, leave without running to someone else), do you really want that person in your life? If she ends the affair and faces divorce without any expectation of a future relationship, then she really wants to be apart from you. Many people having affairs are simply too fearful to risk that, but that does not mean the marriage will ever be repaired and happy. When people end up happily re-connected in their marriage, it seems generally to be b/c the cheater chose the marriage over the other person (freely, because they valued the marriage more, not because they feared job loss). That's what you want. Don't settle for less.


----------



## FriedEgg (Oct 28, 2009)

I wouldn't want anybody to come back for those reasons, so you are right. But, this guy is going to a kid's school and hitting on married women! While my relationship with my wife was messed up to the point she allowed it, he is acting in an unprofessional manner. What if he keeps doing it?


----------



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

FriedEgg, what if bank robbers keep robbing banks, or people who are mean to puppies keep pinching their ears? "What if", "what if", "what if". These thoughts will kill you. Unfortunately, neither of us can control the actions of another, so limit you options to what you can do that directly advances your cause.

Here's one sir, "what if" you buckle down for the next week and a half, ace your finals, and then take the actions you need to protect yourself by filing for divorce. It will serve as a wake up. Allow you to regain some respect in her eyes, and let her know that the clock is ticking. It will serve as a strong reminder that she has to "do" something concrete if she wants to stay in this marriage. Most states have a waiting period so it's not like wham/bam instant divorce. In CA, it's 6 months, and since you don't have kids, or likely many assets you could even do it online for cheap. 

Don't get me wrong FE, I personally despise divorce, but I hate adultery even more. The advice you've been given about detaching is your only life-line. Trust me I'm a little farther down the road on this thing than you are, and while it's still tough it gets a little easier every day, and for the love of God sisters359 is dead on right about not contacting the F.D.. Put out your own fire sir. LIL


----------



## FriedEgg (Oct 28, 2009)

Okay, I won't contact the FD. I just called my wife and said the following:

"I know you said you want to slowly rebuild things and start communicating more frequently, but what you have been doing isn't going to cut it. Sending a few texts during work, and only calling me once for 5 minutes in the last four days isn't sufficient. When one spouse gets caught doing what I found out, even if you say it happened as you explained, it's up to that person to re-gain the other spouse's trust by being honest, forthright, and fully disclosed. If they respect the marriage, that's what the person needs to do, and you haven't done it. I do not feel honored in this relationship, and it is clear that something continues to go on with the other man and that you are keeping me around as Option B; I refuse to be disrespected like that and deserve much more than what you have been giving me. I think you know I have too high an opinion of myself to accept this treatment any longer. Until you are ready to be transparent, honest, fully disclosed, and ready to start healing from what's happened, I want you to know that I have nothing further to say to you."

She sounded like she was holding back tears and said, "okay", and then we hung up.


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Great job. She's going to stew and wonder what the hell she's gotten herself into. 

I wish that when I'd first found out about my wife I'd said that. It'll be interesting to see what happens next.


----------



## FriedEgg (Oct 28, 2009)

seeking sanity said:


> Great job. She's going to stew and wonder what the hell she's gotten herself into.
> 
> I wish that when I'd first found out about my wife I'd said that. It'll be interesting to see what happens next.


Well, I've known about this for a while (since october), and have been totally waffling in my decisions since then, due to her not meeting her promises. She would fail to do something she promised, like keeping in contact more frequently, or telling me the truth, and if she didn't meet those promises, I would tell her as a result of what she was unwilling to do, that we wouldn't work. Then, she'd start texting me, and we would start communicating and I would see if she was willing to work on it again. This went back and forth a few times.

But, those days are finished. I don't know what's going through her head after our conversation this morning, but I am willing to bet she won't reach out to me anymore. I was firm in my call (but still in a friendly tone, as is my demeanor).


----------



## FriedEgg (Oct 28, 2009)

Day 2 of NC and not a peep from her. I truly don't expect to hear anything from her. Anybody think otherwise and want to place a friendly bet?


----------



## FriedEgg (Oct 28, 2009)

I think I need some support this morning. I'm not tempted to text or contact her at all, so that's not the issue. But, I keep wondering whether she intends to reach out to me. To be honest, part of me wishes she will, even if I won't respond unless she's laying her heart on the line like I asked her to.


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

FE - This is a marathon not a sprint. The fact is, she may or may not reach out to you. It's not knowable, however, the path you were on before ensured your own suffering. 

Probably what is happening is she is intensifying with the OM, since you are out of the picture. Short term that's going to give her free reign in her mind, but what will also happen is that all his good qualities, the things about him she used to justify her affair, will be begin to become less good without the the affair to energize it.

What are you going to do for yourself today? How can you treat yourself well? This backing off is for you to get some sanity and peace, not to manipulate her into coming back.


----------



## FriedEgg (Oct 28, 2009)

I know, you're right. I'm just hurting so badly because of all this. I don't understand how she could just toss somebody she cared about to the side like she has. She was at least sending me text messages to check in with me, so part of me wonders whether she was being sincere in her desire to start rebuilding things with me...talking to eachother without bringing up the relationship. 

I know that makes no logical sense, but I am just thinking out loud. This is the hardest damned thing I've ever been through.


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

It's really hard, and there is no short cut to making it easier. The "if we don't talk about it it will go away" strategy to infidelity doesn't work. It's usually just false reconciliation allowing the cheater to sit on the fence and maintain BOTH relationships. Cheating ends many marriages, and the ones it doesn't end have a similar pattern of transparency, honesty, disclosure and hard work on the part of the wayward spouse. 

This is what needs to happen, and it wasn't:

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity

You may also read some of the stuff here:

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity


----------



## FriedEgg (Oct 28, 2009)

I had promised her a month ago that I would send our Christmas decorations to her. Unfortunately, I decided it would be a good idea to send her a text that simply said, "I am sending your Christmas decorations." That was all I said, and I don't want or expect a response. Now, I feel like poo.


----------

