# I want to apologize to my 1st wife



## hmmh (Oct 12, 2017)

I treated her like trash. Looking back, I don’t know how I could have ever treated anyone that way let alone the woman I called my wife. I made choices during that time that I would never make again. To be honest, for years following our divorce she was out of my mind completely. I have her contact information but we don’t have contact with each other and up until last week I hadn’t seen her in years. I always knew that I hurt her but I didn’t know how bad until our worlds collided again a week ago. She is in a relationship with a man I am friends with (not bothersome, and not someone I see regularly and maybe never now). That man was unaware that she was my 1st wife, or that I had a 1st wife at all. Talking to him, and talking to her what little she would allow, I realized how much I hurt her and how much it still affects her. Even though I’m not that man anymore, I wouldn’t be surprised if that friendship ceases.

I talked to my wife about it, we have a very happy marriage and do not hold back or filter ourselves. Just posting this feels like I’m going behind her back. Sitting up at 6AM, writing as fast as I can so I can get this done and history cleared before she wakes up. Any who, she was very quick to the opinion that my 1st wife needs to get over it (she doesn’t know the full story) and it’s not my place to change that or try and rewrite history. I’m not looking to reignite a friendship with my 1st wife, and frankly I don’t think she would go for that. I do want to apologize to her, however. Not a generic “I’m sorry” in passing, a real apology. I was thinking about writing her a letter or trying to get her to sit down and talk to me (preferably), but like I said my wife is not happy with that decision and we always try and respect each other’s boundaries. 

With the divorce rate being so high, I’m sure some here have been divorced and married again. I signed up for a couple other forum sites but this was the first to send the confirmation email so, here I am. Is this issue something to drop? After all, my wife is the most important person in my life not my 1st wife. I do not like that I'm having thoughts of going behind my wife's back, but also have an incredibly high amount of guilt and remorse towards my 1st wife and want to apologize to her.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

So you think betraying your current wife to apologize to your first wife is a good idea? Emotional infidelity is as painful and as big a betrayal as physical infidelity, and what you're doing right now with sneaking behind your current wifes back like this is the beginning of an emotional affair. Do not hide this from your current wife. If she doesn't know the whole story tell her, and if she still says no then accept that and move on. You may owe your first wife an apology but not at the expense of your current wife.



> Just posting this feels like I’m going behind her back. Sitting up at 6AM, writing as fast as I can so I can get this done and history cleared before she wakes up.


No **** Sherlock, it feels like you're going behind her back because you are.


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## GatorXP (Oct 1, 2017)

hmmh said:


> I treated her like trash. Looking back, I don’t know how I could have ever treated anyone that way let alone the woman I called my wife. I made choices during that time that I would never make again. To be honest, for years following our divorce she was out of my mind completely. I have her contact information but we don’t have contact with each other and up until last week I hadn’t seen her in years. I always knew that I hurt her but I didn’t know how bad until our worlds collided again a week ago. She is in a relationship with a man I am friends with (not bothersome, and not someone I see regularly and maybe never now). That man was unaware that she was my 1st wife, or that I had a 1st wife at all. Talking to him, and talking to her what little she would allow, I realized how much I hurt her and how much it still affects her. Even though I’m not that man anymore, I wouldn’t be surprised if that friendship ceases.
> 
> I talked to my wife about it, we have a very happy marriage and do not hold back or filter ourselves. Just posting this feels like I’m going behind her back. Sitting up at 6AM, writing as fast as I can so I can get this done and history cleared before she wakes up. Any who, she was very quick to the opinion that my 1st wife needs to get over it (she doesn’t know the full story) and it’s not my place to change that or try and rewrite history. I’m not looking to reignite a friendship with my 1st wife, and frankly I don’t think she would go for that. I do want to apologize to her, however. Not a generic “I’m sorry” in passing, a real apology. I was thinking about writing her a letter or trying to get her to sit down and talk to me (preferably), but like I said my wife is not happy with that decision and we always try and respect each other’s boundaries.
> 
> With the divorce rate being so high, I’m sure some here have been divorced and married again. I signed up for a couple other forum sites but this was the first to send the confirmation email so, here I am. Is this issue something to drop? After all, my wife is the most important person in my life not my 1st wife. I do not like that I'm having thoughts of going behind my wife's back, but also have an incredibly high amount of guilt and remorse towards my 1st wife and want to apologize to her.


Well first I would take a look at your motivation...guilt. what you did and who you were was all part of your journey..it happened how it happened and could not have been any other way. 

Sounds like your current wife is aware your ex wasn't innocent...i mean it's good that your taking responsibility for your past actions...this is how we grow. There is nothing you need to fix or set right..sounds like you are exactly where you are headed. Let sleeping dogs lie. You have no need of reinvolving yourself with the ex...sounds like she doesn't want it...your guilt is yours to deal with, study it, understand it,own it. This is yet another opportunity to grow.

So let's not being Fing things up by hiding things from your wife. Your intentions seem pure. There is nothing to hide.

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

What good would apologizing to your first wife do, other than soothe your troubled conscience? 

Live with it as she did, and look on it as a reminder of how not to be with your current wife.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

hmmh said:


> I treated her like trash. Looking back, I don’t know how I could have ever treated anyone that way let alone the woman I called my wife. I made choices during that time that I would never make again.............. Any who, she was very quick to the opinion that my 1st wife needs to get over it (*she doesn’t know the full story*) and it’s not my place to change that or try and rewrite history.


Why not start by telling your current wife the entire truth about your previous marriage? 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

hmmh said:


> I treated her like trash. Looking back, I don’t know how I could have ever treated anyone that way let alone the woman I called my wife. I made choices during that time that I would never make again. To be honest, for years following our divorce she was out of my mind completely. I have her contact information but we don’t have contact with each other and up until last week I hadn’t seen her in years. I always knew that I hurt her but I didn’t know how bad until our worlds collided again a week ago. She is in a relationship with a man I am friends with (not bothersome, and not someone I see regularly and maybe never now). That man was unaware that she was my 1st wife, or that I had a 1st wife at all. Talking to him, and talking to her what little she would allow, I realized how much I hurt her and how much it still affects her. Even though I’m not that man anymore, I wouldn’t be surprised if that friendship ceases.
> 
> I talked to my wife about it, we have a very happy marriage and do not hold back or filter ourselves. Just posting this feels like I’m going behind her back. Sitting up at 6AM, writing as fast as I can so I can get this done and history cleared before she wakes up. Any who, she was very quick to the opinion that my 1st wife needs to get over it (she doesn’t know the full story) and it’s not my place to change that or try and rewrite history. I’m not looking to reignite a friendship with my 1st wife, and frankly I don’t think she would go for that. I do want to apologize to her, however. Not a generic “I’m sorry” in passing, a real apology. I was thinking about writing her a letter or trying to get her to sit down and talk to me (preferably), but like I said my wife is not happy with that decision and we always try and respect each other’s boundaries.
> 
> With the divorce rate being so high, I’m sure some here have been divorced and married again. I signed up for a couple other forum sites but this was the first to send the confirmation email so, here I am. Is this issue something to drop? After all, my wife is the most important person in my life not my 1st wife. I do not like that I'm having thoughts of going behind my wife's back, but also have an incredibly high amount of guilt and remorse towards my 1st wife and want to apologize to her.


I am 100% for saying sorry to those we have hurt. I wish that my husbands ex would apologise for the hurt she caused him. I cant understand why you wife would not want this, maybe she needs to be told the full truth of what you did. 
As long as you send the letter and that is it,(I think that is better than meeting) then what has she to worry about?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Nucking Futs said:


> So you think betraying your current wife to apologize to your first wife is a good idea? Emotional infidelity is as painful and as big a betrayal as physical infidelity, and what you're doing right now with sneaking behind your current wifes back like this is the beginning of an emotional affair. Do not hide this from your current wife. If she doesn't know the whole story tell her, and if she still says no then accept that and move on. You may owe your first wife an apology but not at the expense of your current wife.
> 
> 
> 
> No **** Sherlock, it feels like you're going behind her back because you are.


Saying sorry to someone you treated like trash is hardly an emotional affair.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Write a long, detailed letter to your first wife in which you both acknowledge all of your failures and misdeeds as a husband and apologize for them... and then let your _current_ wife read it.

_Then_ send it.

Be sure to mention in the letter that you’re in no way attempting to rekindle any sort of relationship.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I would explain to your current wife your need for absolution from your previous wife and how your previous bad behavior is troubling you. I would then write out a detailed apology for your sins and send it to your previous wife without making any attempt at future contact. 

Personally, I find apologies to be little more than the apologizer trying to allay their angst. To me the best time and the only real way to apologize is BEFORE the offense is committed but that requires more cognition than most individuals have, therefore the need for post incident apologies. The problem with that is that you cannot unexplode a bomb, the best one can do is try to clean up the damage.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

hmmh said:


> I treated her like trash. Looking back, I don’t know how I could have ever treated anyone that way let alone the woman I called my wife. I made choices during that time that I would never make again. To be honest, for years following our divorce she was out of my mind completely. I have her contact information but we don’t have contact with each other and up until last week I hadn’t seen her in years. I always knew that I hurt her but I didn’t know how bad until our worlds collided again a week ago. She is in a relationship with a man I am friends with (not bothersome, and not someone I see regularly and maybe never now). That man was unaware that she was my 1st wife, or that I had a 1st wife at all. Talking to him, and talking to her what little she would allow, I realized how much I hurt her and how much it still affects her. Even though I’m not that man anymore, I wouldn’t be surprised if that friendship ceases.
> 
> I talked to my wife about it, we have a very happy marriage and do not hold back or filter ourselves. Just posting this feels like I’m going behind her back. Sitting up at 6AM, writing as fast as I can so I can get this done and history cleared before she wakes up. Any who, she was very quick to the opinion that my 1st wife needs to get over it (she doesn’t know the full story) and it’s not my place to change that or try and rewrite history. I’m not looking to reignite a friendship with my 1st wife, and frankly I don’t think she would go for that. I do want to apologize to her, however. Not a generic “I’m sorry” in passing, a real apology. I was thinking about writing her a letter or trying to get her to sit down and talk to me (preferably), but like I said my wife is not happy with that decision and we always try and respect each other’s boundaries.
> 
> With the divorce rate being so high, I’m sure some here have been divorced and married again. I signed up for a couple other forum sites but this was the first to send the confirmation email so, here I am. Is this issue something to drop? After all, my wife is the most important person in my life not my 1st wife. I do not like that I'm having thoughts of going behind my wife's back, but also have an incredibly high amount of guilt and remorse towards my 1st wife and want to apologize to her.


1. why do you want to do this?
2. Are you doing this for you or for your ex wife? I suspect it is for you (so a little self serving)
3. Why would you upset your current wife by digging around in the past like that?
4. If you feel guilt for your terrible behaviour, then live with it, it is not right for your wife or ex wife to bear the fall out so you can feel better about yourself/
Sometimes we do ****ty things, and this is the consequence, be a man and live with it.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Do you want to ease your own guilt for your ex wife or for yourself? You know you're doing this for you! Leave the ex wife alone and learn to live with what you did to her. That is your burden to carry for having been terrible to her. She has her own burden to carry from your failed first marriage. 

Nothing you say to her will take away the past. You just want to ease your own burden. It won't do much for your ex. 

Leave her alone and respect your wife's wishes.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Saying sorry to someone you treated like trash is hardly an emotional affair.


He's not saying sorry to someone he treated like trash, he's sneaking around behind his wifes back expending emotional energy on another woman. EA. If this is something he needs to do he needs to get his wife on board with it, not sneak around and hide contact with his ex from her. 

What advice would we be giving a woman who came here and posted that her husband was secretly contacting his ex and deleting the evidence. What would we be telling her? _This_ is what you want to approve?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

If you are doing something that feels wrong... listen to it.

If you are no longer that person, forgive yourself first... then perhaps when you share with your very present and current wife first your bad feelings of how you were less than kind you can take the steps together to determine if an apology is truly needed.

Honesty first in the present leads to less dishonesty in the future, and less regret of the past.

Practice the good.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Lila said:


> Why not start by telling your current wife the entire truth about your previous marriage?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


This. 

Look, dude. At this point, the apology isn't even about her. It's about you. Alleviating your guilt. Putting your mind and heart at ease.

The more important thing to analyze the situation is, even though your actions may have changed, has your heart?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

If you do insist on making your big mea culpa to your ex-wife, do it in a letter. There is no need to burden her _further_ by insisting on doing it face to face so that she feels compelled to respond to you in the moment. This apology is for you, make no mistake. So don't expect - or worse, insist on getting - any reaction or response from her at all. Send your letter and then don't contact her again. If you run into either her or her husband again, be polite but do not try to talk to either of them about your guilt, apologize in person, or otherwise unburden yourself in any way. Basically, if you insist on apologizing, try to do as little further damage to them as possible.

But first, talk to your current wife and tell her the full truth about the past and about your perceived need to aplogize. Stop going behind her back. If you're doing things you know she won't like, at least have enough integrity to not sneak around and hide it from her. You don't have to do as she would prefer in this situation. But at least respect her enough to let her make her own informed decisions about how she'd like to react to what you're up to.


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## GatorXP (Oct 1, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> This.
> 
> Look, dude. At this point, the apology isn't even about her. It's about you. Alleviating your guilt. Putting your mind and heart at ease.
> 
> The more important thing to analyze the situation is, even though your actions may have changed, has your heart?


This...your guilt and felt need to apologize is based on a set of beliefs that is false. Find truth.

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Do not stir up the ghosts of wives past, because there is nothing positive that can come from it for you and your current wife!

Saying an earnest and sincere prayer to the Heavenly Father asking Him for forgiveness is about all that you do at this juncture!

And provided that you ever accidentally bump into your XW again, then you could call her aside and ask her for her forgiveness! *


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## hmmh (Oct 12, 2017)

It is correct that the desire to apologize comes _partly_ from wanting to alleviate my conscience. I do, however and honestly, think my 1st wife _deserves_ an apology. Not at the expense of my marriage, however. If I have to choose one woman’s feelings, it will always be my wife’s. 

Honestly? I think I would come home to divorce papers if I told my wife the full, un-edited, un-censored story. This is not me assuming all guilt, but I can’t think of anything that my 1st wife did wrong to _me_. For herself she did all sorts of things wrong, not to me however. Most of that time I have completely blocked out. I was a _terrible_ guy. What my wife knows just scratches the surface. 

That plays into the suggestion to show her the letter. I do agree that would probably be best for my marriage, in theory. New facts coming to light, not so much. To have a proper apology to my 1st wife, I think those facts would have to be brought up. I also believe that having openness and honesty in our marriage doesn’t necessarily mean no privacy. 

I do not, however, see a hidden apology as an emotional affair. So, if someone can explain that one to me that’d be great. There is no intimacy or relationship between my 1st wife and I. There would be no ongoing relationship or contact. It would be one letter, not ongoing “emotional energy” spent. I have no desire to have a relationship with my 1st wife. I know that hiding things from my wife is wrong, but calling it an affair? That seems like a stretch.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

hmmh said:


> I treated her like trash. Looking back, I don’t know how I could have ever treated anyone that way let alone the woman I called my wife. I made choices during that time that I would never make again. To be honest, for years following our divorce she was out of my mind completely. I have her contact information but we don’t have contact with each other and up until last week I hadn’t seen her in years. I always knew that I hurt her but I didn’t know how bad until our worlds collided again a week ago. She is in a relationship with a man I am friends with (not bothersome, and not someone I see regularly and maybe never now). That man was unaware that she was my 1st wife, or that I had a 1st wife at all. Talking to him, and talking to her what little she would allow, I realized how much I hurt her and how much it still affects her. Even though I’m not that man anymore, I wouldn’t be surprised if that friendship ceases.
> 
> I talked to my wife about it, we have a very happy marriage and do not hold back or filter ourselves. Just posting this feels like I’m going behind her back. Sitting up at 6AM, writing as fast as I can so I can get this done and history cleared before she wakes up. Any who, she was very quick to the opinion that my 1st wife needs to get over it (she doesn’t know the full story) and it’s not my place to change that or try and rewrite history. I’m not looking to reignite a friendship with my 1st wife, and frankly I don’t think she would go for that. I do want to apologize to her, however. Not a generic “I’m sorry” in passing, a real apology. I was thinking about writing her a letter or trying to get her to sit down and talk to me (preferably), but like I said my wife is not happy with that decision and we always try and respect each other’s boundaries.
> 
> With the divorce rate being so high, I’m sure some here have been divorced and married again. I signed up for a couple other forum sites but this was the first to send the confirmation email so, here I am. Is this issue something to drop? After all, my wife is the most important person in my life not my 1st wife. I do not like that I'm having thoughts of going behind my wife's back, but also have an incredibly high amount of guilt and remorse towards my 1st wife and want to apologize to her.


You want to apologize because you feel guilty right? Suck it up, if you 1st wife has to live with the consequences of your actions you should have to live with the guilt because of them. At least you deserve it. 

You might want to tell you wife though because if this other guy finds out your wife might. What's better she finds out from you or someone else. You are not being authentic, in the end that always ends up hurting you, especially in marriage.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Do you want to ease your own guilt for your ex wife or for yourself? You know you're doing this for you! Leave the ex wife alone and learn to live with what you did to her. That is your burden to carry for having been terrible to her. She has her own burden to carry from your failed first marriage.
> 
> Nothing you say to her will take away the past. You just want to ease your own burden. It won't do much for your ex.
> 
> Leave her alone and respect your wife's wishes.



If she were me it would help a lot to get an apology.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *Do not stir up the ghosts of wives past, because there is nothing positive that can come from it for you and your current wife!
> 
> Saying an earnest and sincere prayer to the Heavenly Father asking Him for forgiveness is about all that you do at this juncture!
> 
> And provided that you ever accidentally bump into your XW again, then you could call her aside and ask her for her forgiveness! *


Our Heavenly Father tells us to say sorry to those we have hurt.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

Lila said:


> Why not start by telling your current wife the entire truth about your previous marriage?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


If he's changed and isn't that guy anymore, I don't think he should get into it at this point. It could cause issues in his current marriage.

OP, if you must apologize, write a letter, keep it short and simple, don't drag up a ton of crap, simply write:

"I treated you poorly and it wasn't your fault, I don't expect a response at all, I just wanted to apologize for my behavior during our marriage."


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

hmmh said:


> It is correct that the desire to apologize comes _partly_ from wanting to alleviate my conscience. I do, however and honestly, think my 1st wife _deserves_ an apology. Not at the expense of my marriage, however. If I have to choose one woman’s feelings, it will always be my wife’s.
> 
> Honestly? I think I would come home to divorce papers if I told my wife the full, un-edited, un-censored story. This is not me assuming all guilt, but I can’t think of anything that my 1st wife did wrong to _me_. For herself she did all sorts of things wrong, not to me however. Most of that time I have completely blocked out. I was a _terrible_ guy. What my wife knows just scratches the surface.
> 
> ...


If you can’t say what you feel you need to say to your ex-wife in as transparent a manner as possible where your current wife is concerned, then you have no business saying it.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

hmmh said:


> It is correct that the desire to apologize comes _partly_ from wanting to alleviate my conscience. I do, however and honestly, think my 1st wife _deserves_ an apology. Not at the expense of my marriage, however. If I have to choose one woman?s feelings, it will always be my wife?s.


Yet you already know your wife's feelings on the subject and you choose to sneak around behind her back anyway. And for what? Its for nobody but YOURSELF!

In guessing it was extreme selfish behavior on your part that wrecked your first marriage. Here you are feeling guilty and instead of just living with the shame and regret you deserve to live with, you are again contemplating taking the selfish path behind your wife's back to sooth yourself. On top of it, you are lying to yourself to ease your own guilt in going behind your current wife's back on this. The big lie being that you owe your ex wife an apology and that you are doing this for her. Clearly you are not, this is all for you, and again your selfish nature is showing up and can cause serious damage to your current marriage. 

You are once again placing the importance of yourself above your marriage. When are you going to break this destructive cycle? Now would be a good time to start. Leave the ex wife alone.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

As much as I agree with trying to get it off your chest, do not betray your current wife's trust to do it. Also, think about the lives you're affecting by attempting another contact; your wife, your ex wife, her new man. Do they all want to be affected by this? Is it necessary?


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

apologizing, if it is sincere and its motivation comes from a desire to bring peace to the other person is never wrong.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> Look, dude. At this point, the apology isn't even about her. It's about you. Alleviating your guilt. Putting your mind and heart at ease.
> 
> The more important thing to analyze the situation is, even though your actions may have changed, has your heart?


Exactly. 
Take care of your today. First recognize that you are indeed sneaking around behind your current wife's back rather than being honest and transparent. That is having a negative impact on your marriage simply because you are bringing negativity into your current marriage.
Evaluate what is in your heart. Think about why you would treat anyone that way and what has changed in your heart to make you aware that it was wrong to do that. 
Clearly the relationship you have with your current wife is not as great as you say it is if you are sneaking around and lying to her, if you are withholding pertinent information from her regarding how hurtful you were to your first wife.
I believe in making amends for wrongs done when it won't make things worse for the person harmed. From what you said, your ex-wife is still hurt and still negatively impacted by how you treated her and perhaps an apology is in order, but certainly not behind your current wife's back. That only compounds your sins.
Absolutely do not try to contact her in person. Write a letter.



hmmh said:


> It is correct that the desire to apologize comes _partly_ from wanting to alleviate my conscience. I do, however and honestly, think my 1st wife _deserves_ an apology. Not at the expense of my marriage, however. If I have to choose one woman’s feelings, it will always be my wife’s.
> 
> Honestly? I think I would come home to divorce papers if I told my wife the full, un-edited, un-censored story. This is not me assuming all guilt, but I can’t think of anything that my 1st wife did wrong to _me_. For herself she did all sorts of things wrong, not to me however. Most of that time I have completely blocked out. I was a _terrible_ guy. What my wife knows just scratches the surface.
> 
> ...


Your wife deserves to know the truth. She married you based on a false image of who you really are. You are still hiding and lying. Your wife deserves to know the truth about who you are. But I think this is a huge can of worms and you might consider entering therapy to work through all this before dumping it on your wife. This isn't an emergency that has to be taking care of right this minute. You can begin today learning how to be more real and to forge a deeper, more honest relationship with your current wife a little at a time and by learning how to truly honor her day by day.

I have a feeling that if your current wife feels truly honored and you are building a warmer, more open relationship with her that she will eventually be ready for all of the truth. Don't take forever, but work to improve yourself and your marriage.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

This seems like it is more about you and wanting to feel like the good guy. Thinking that your apology will help/aid your first wife in any way is pretty self-focused. Wanting to absolve yourself of your sins shouldn't harm anyone else. 

Leave her alone. You can't take back what you did and you shouldn't jeopardize the relationship with your current wife to "fix" the past. Though, as one of the "treated badly" sort, I know one of my biggest guilty hopes is that my husband realizes what he did. Perhaps it's too late to do anything and would only re-open old wounds.

If you do this at all, take the advice of those above me and write a letter that you show to your current wife before you send it. Do not force your first wife to see you in person just so you can feel better now that you've realized what an ass you were in the past.


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

@hmmh

What did you do to her that requires an apology?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Write a letter and show it to your current wife to see if she is OK with your sending it to your ex. 

The letter basically needs to say:

I wish to apologize for the terrible way I treated you. I do not ask or expect you to forgive me, I just wanted you to know that I have realized what a terrible person I was and that I will do my best to never behave like that to anyone in the future. You don not need to respond to this in any way, I just wanted you to know.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

Personally, I don't see anything "wrong" with the need to apologize to someone that is a big part of your past. Making atonement is good for the heart, mind and soul, IMO. 
As some others have said, sure the main reason most likely is about YOUR need...but is it necessarily a selfish kind of need? YOU really know that answer to that one.
What will you gain...and what do you think it will do for your ex wife? Sounds like some type of closure, for both of you may be the goal. 
Your current wife...is she usually jealous about most things or just THIS one thing? 

I can concur that if you do make contact with the first wife, then your current wife needs to be aware of it...and be okay with it. 

Is there a way you can fully understand your own need to apologize? Would it somehow make you a better husband in your current relationship? 

I'm tossing up a lot of questions at you....but I think they are the ones you ask yourself to find the ultimate truth about your motives. If your motives are truly good for everyone, then pursue it (only if current wife is on board though). If your motives are not so pure/unselfish, then do everyone a favor and let sleeping dogs lie. 

Btw, I have a first ex husband...and have no desire to speak or see him ever again. If I ran into him under the circumstances you described for yourself, I would probably just walk away/avoid him. Interesting that you have an interest in apologies. Were you a much younger man than you are now?


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## GatorXP (Oct 1, 2017)

VibrantWings said:


> Personally, I don't see anything "wrong" with the need to apologize to someone that is a big part of your past. Making atonement is good for the heart, mind and soul, IMO.
> As some others have said, sure the main reason most likely is about YOUR need...but is it necessarily a selfish kind of need? YOU really know that answer to that one.
> What will you gain...and what do you think it will do for your ex wife? Sounds like some type of closure, for both of you may be the goal.
> Your current wife...is she usually jealous about most things or just THIS one thing?
> ...


I won't say there isn't value in it..its part of all the 12 step programs. You are way off the mark though in thinking of hiding it tho. You would be better off working on that flawed thought process

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

hmmh said:


> Honestly? I think I would come home to divorce papers if I told my wife the full, un-edited, un-censored story. This is not me assuming all guilt, but I can’t think of anything that my 1st wife did wrong to _me_. For herself she did all sorts of things wrong, not to me however. Most of that time I have completely blocked out. I was a _terrible_ guy. What my wife knows just scratches the surface.


So you have “managed your image” with your current wife, married her under false pretenses and therefore she has no idea who you truly are. This is what happens when you withhold important information (and lie) about your past. And don’t use “privacy” as the excuse because your current wife had a right to know what happened in your first marriage in order to make an informed decision about her relationship with you. Leave your ex-wife alone, it is clear from her behavior when you happened upon her with your friend that she does not want any contact with you. That is a normal reaction to ones abuser.

The best you can do is come clean with your current wife or pray that she never finds out about your deception from an outside source.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I have a perspective from different sides. 

It was a relief to divorce my first wife, and it was an admission of sorts that I made huge mistakes that affect us our whole life. While in some educational classes to effect change in myself, I was basically told to do something as amends. 

Now, having gone to confession many times as a child, I didn't feel this was too difficult. I simply admitted to myself that I'd made mistakes and made a donation to a charity. While that was all it was suggested I do, I still felt guilty and rightly so. I asked this educator what he thought about me offering an apology to my first ex. He thought about it and told me to do what I thought was best with full disclosure to him as I proceeded. 

I didn't want her. I wasn't intending on doing anything except making amends, but I did not know what that meant or should look like. I simply went to her or called, I can't remember thirty years or more later, and apologized, telling her the major things I did which I believed were wrong. She was confused. I could tell she didn't know what to think. I felt it was a waste of time for her and simply alleviated some of my guilt. 

This was wrong. I believed I must ask forgiveness and then make true amends through taking responsibility for my actions, and correcting my actions while helping in any way possible to make the offended's life better, easier, or help in any manner they would allow. 

That is also incorrect, in my opinion, today.

Before my second marriage, I sat down and told my then SO about my previous marriage. I had paperwork in a box, uncovered and unhidden, in the bottom of the closet of our bedroom. I never told her she couldn't look in the box. She asked a few times what was in it and I told her to look and see. 

When she made no comments to me, I sat down and talked with her to let her know. I showed her the paperwork and what I'd answered when filling out the lessons. I told her who the person was that I'd been seeing. I was still going to classes when we met, though with less regularity since I'd been going for eight years or nine years previously. 

Edit: I even took her to where I was going and introduced her to the educator. Seriously, I did this because I loved her and wanted the best chance possible. ee.

I'd done the work, but simply liked the comradery and the exposure to other's stories which I believed cemented the improvements in my life by burning things into my memory.

We talked. She read some of it. She asked questions. I answered and offered more, but not without her approval. She knew as much as she wanted to know. I told her she could know more by asking me, if she wanted. I told her I would never hide anything from her. I told her the box with my papers would always be there and never hidden or locked away. 

She seemed okay with all of that and we moved on with our lives. 

In the end, she accused me of never telling her, even though I was gone for the same amount of time on the same day of the week with the same mileage on my odometer and gave her all of that information. Don't believe someone when they tell you they didn't know. They know, but don't want to bring up personal decision they may be chided over. 

My second wife hurt me deeply and owes me an apology. At least, that is what I thought. 

After time and thinking about this, I don't want one. She can apologize to God, if that is what she has in mind or is her belief. 

She can only dredge up more pain and harm by apologizing, since it would feel very patronizing. It would only be sincere, if she made amends for her actions. Those would also feel patronizing. It is wrong to do that, in my opinion. It only harms the victim more and clears the conscience of the guilty. 

If you want to hurt/harm her more, then go ahead. That's my opinion. I don't recommend it.

Good luck, though I take this to be a bit of a troll post that isn't about you, but about your wife's ex whom you are quite angry with and want revenge of sorts. I only posted what I did, because I know others will look at this thread for opinions. I think they should have as many reasonable and different opinions as they can to help them decide what to do and understand from more than their own perspective, which is what you are doing. 

Check your anger with a counselor. It's going to eat you alive and ruin what you have.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Let. It. Go.


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## a_mister (Aug 23, 2017)

If you were really as bad as you say, there's a good chance your ex-wife will simply view your letter as a manipulation tactic and that old wounds will be re-opened. Why risk causing all this drama in her relationship, your relationship, and your friendship with her SO?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Look I really don’t know if you should or shouldn’t do it. The factors that your current wife could be hurt shouldn’t be just overlooked.

However as someone who was treated like crap in marriage I would have loved to get an apology. Some recogniztion that she did wrong from her would have gone a long way to help me at some of my darkest points. So as someone who was in your x wife’s position it may be the right thing to do.


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## hmmh (Oct 12, 2017)

It is a valid point that my wife could learn details from someone else, which is the last thing I want. That would be terrible for her. I am friends with my 1st wife’s new boyfriend. We are not close friends, but we talk online a few times a month and see each other a couple times a year in a group of friends. He was unaware that I had a 1st wife, as I have no friends who knew me during that time period. He could talk to my wife if he felt obligated to. He’s a shy, quiet man and I can’t see that happening but it’s possible. We haven’t had contact since running into each other. It’s something that hadn’t crossed my mind yet and a valid point. The last thing I want is to hurt my wife.

I honestly think an apology would help her. It’s not a selfish decision. When I was married to my 1st wife I didn’t admit to most things that I did and dismissed her feelings left, right and center. Those that I did claim, I didn’t care at all how she felt and basically rubbed some things in her face. Each time we separated I denied, denied, denied and convinced her otherwise. Everything was blamed on her. I ruined a good portion of her life. I have a feeling that just hearing me claim everything that I did wrong, with no excuses would help. It’s not about me trying to look like a good guy, there is no way I could word a letter to my 1st wife and still look like a good guy. 

The only reason I don’t want my wife to read what I’d have to say is because I don’t want her to know that side of me. That person is long gone, I don’t want her to be afraid of me doing those things to her or sabotaging our family. She knows who I am now. I don’t know how I would tell her and sustain our marriage. 

My intention is not to hurt anyone by doing this. I love my wife and she is the most important person in my life. We are partners in this journey and I want to always take her feelings into consideration. I do not want to hurt my 1st wife by bringing up things from the past or opening old wounds. That is not my intention at all, and it’s rather disgusting to think that. If I thought she had moved on and all was well in her life, I would probably feel more obligated to let it rest. I don’t think it has anything to do with the man my 1st wife is seeing. 

Doing it in person seems more, well… personal. I doubt I could ever get her to agree to that. I will talk to my wife about it again, and if she agrees, write my ex a letter. My wife is not normally a jealous person, no. 

I did not con my wife into marrying me under false pretences. I am the man today that I was when I met her and married her. People change. What occurred in my first marriage has not happened outside of that marriage. Losing my 1st wife is honestly what made me change, for myself. My wife knows who I am, who she married and who she shares a home and family with. Do not try and make this seem like I have been abusing her in some way all this time.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

As a woman who was treated terribly, and tossed aside like a piece of garbage by her ex, from my perspective, the worst thing you could do is contact her now.

I have no desire whatsoever to hear from my ex, except maybe so I could slap him across the face hehehehe.

If I never see or hear from him again it will be too soon.

Let it go, let it go, let it go.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with frusdil .....

I divorced my son's father in 1996. It was final on Christmas Eve. Great Christmas present to myself!

I've hardly seen my ex in all these years even though we shared custody of our son who is now 28 and doing great.

My ex was a mean, cheating, abusive piece of work... I'm being nice here.

Last year I had a very bad medical problem that landed me in the hospital for 2 months. Well my ex started leaving messages for me on my cell phone. I did not check my messages for about 3 months so I got the messages he left 3 months late. I ignored them. 

Then came the letter. The apology. He gave no details in the letter. What he said was basically that he knows he mistreated me and he mad bad decisions. He's sorry for it. All he knew at that time is that he was profoundly unhappy and so he did wrong things to try to get away from that. And he's sorry.

And then he went on about how we needed to be able to get along because our son was graduating with his master's degree and surely one day he would get married and we needed to both be able to share these times with our son.

He said that while he would like to hear from me, he did not expect an answer.

It's been about a year since I got that letter. It's in a letter sorter on my desk... just sits there. What on earth am I supposed to do with that 20 years later... 28 years after he started the destruction of our family and our son's youth?

The letter just sits there and once in a while I run into it when I'm looking through papers and then it confuses me some more. Right now, just thinking about it confuses me once again.

Don't write her. It's not going to help her. Writing it is all about you trying to come to terms with your own guilt. Leave her alone. She's put things in perspective after all this time. All a letter is going to do is to confuse her and drudge it all up.

And for the love of Pete, not's expect her to sit there with you and read the letter and talk to you about it all. Geez. What?

We tend to use the word 'closure'. People want 'closure'. It does not exist. There is no magic to make what you did ok. It's our burden to carry. Don't 'apologize' and dredge it all up for her.

Plus, you put all that in a letter and you can bet her husband is going to read it. And then they are going to tell other people about it. And it's going to come full circle back to your wife.

If you follow this path your are contemplating, you are going to end up hurting your current marriage. 

Let it go and handle this on your own. Go get into counseling to handle your own guilt.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

@EleGirl, flick a Bic. It'll take care of that self-serving letter for ya real quick.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

frusdil said:


> As a woman who was treated terribly, and tossed aside like a piece of garbage by her ex, from my perspective, the worst thing you could do is contact her now.
> 
> I have no desire whatsoever to hear from my ex, except maybe so I could slap him across the face hehehehe.
> 
> ...


And yet many would benefit greatly from such an apology, and it may help them to be able to forgive which would also greatly benefit them.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

In this situation, ulterior motives could be ascribed to the letter writer. He didn't feel the need to offer an apology until he saw the ex with a friend of his. The apology could be construed as an attempt to manage his image. Which he does with his current wife.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Satya said:


> What good would apologizing to your first wife do, other than soothe your troubled conscience?
> 
> Live with it as she did, and look on it as a reminder of how not to be with your current wife.


I call BS on all who proffer, recommend silence.

More Silence of the Lambs. :|

I am not saying that OP gets down on his knee while the flag gently waves, while carried by, No.
....................................................................................................................

What I am saying is if one did wrong, serious wrong in the past and never admitted it.....
Never admitted Wrong is a wound in the fabric of life.
Never admitted wrong is Karma's spring, wound another turn. Waiting to unwind in the future...this life or the next...against your life or another you hold dear.

Do you hear me, Dear?
.....................................................................................................................
And you will atone for this wound, this tear, this bit of ripped flesh that you rent in haste, maybe malice.
When the day of 'tit for your tat' arrives, you will not know that intonation, the reason that timbre layed you so low, so wistless....despondent.

Despondent you gave unto her, despondent you get in return.
.....................................................................................................................

What? You are so weak, weak kneed, that once, 'Sorry' rolls off your trembling lips...
Is uttered so strongly that an emotional affair blooms large, so quickly, from the tear soaked soil at your bare feet?

I think not. 
Forget the letter. 

'MyFace' would loom large in 'HerFace'.
I would let out all that steam. Yes, guilt laden steam.

She would get the wet waft of ShameFaced. :crying:

And forever more she would be so much relieved on the Faceof It. :smile2:
The remainder of her life would be lightened. She would be made a Martyr...her own guilt washed, her feet washed of OP's dirt.

THIS is a trifle, a burnt offering for a women whose very hide was scalded by OP's continual marital combust.
...........................................................................................

How dare any man or women deny her THIS. 

Her due. 
OP's pentinance, Forever Due.

Justly Said'


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## GatorXP (Oct 1, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> I call BS on all who proffer, recommend silence.
> 
> More Silence of the Lambs. :|
> 
> ...


OMG
OP has admitted the wrong to himself. It is not his job to facilitate forgiveness for the offended. Especially at the expense of his current wife. And still not his job regardless. 

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

In the ex's mind, the OP is a lying, gaslighting, abusive POS and always will be. She has no doubts about this as that is her personal experience with him. She couldn't care less that he has changed his ways and his new wife is the happy recipient of a changed man. She couldn't care less that he is, now, regretting how he treated her. She most likely wouldn't piss on him if he were on fire. I imagine she most ardently wishes that he would drop off of the face of the earth and never contaminate her line of vision gain. 

Have the decency to leave the woman alone and deal with your demons on your own dime. If she should ever approach you for such an explanation, then you can unburden your soul. Until then, man up and carry the load you created.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

GatorXP said:


> OMG
> OP has admitted the wrong to himself. It is not his job to facilitate forgiveness for the offended. Especially at the expense of his current wife. And still not his job regardless.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


Thank you for responding; Resplendent, Not. 

Yet, another.
..........................................................
Yet, another non-believer:

What is in the past remains in the past....logic.
Logic that remains in the Dark, in the Cave.

Such is this logic:
If I know not something, if I see not something, if I feel not something....if does not exist.
This atonement debt.

The balance scale has many tills, many trays, not just two. 
The Resultant Tillt is 'What's Due'.
If that appliance centers, becomes 'bubble' level. You are balanced, you are True, Truth be told.

If not, you remain in the Red, a Redfaced Fool.
Worthy of courtship with the Red Haired Queen. That vengeful, lovely Lady who has by now, received the scent, the location of that ghost...SunCMars.

Oh, take note, @GatorXP, @Spicy knows your Noam-de-Plume.
Oh, don't ask, she won't tell.
Oh, ooh, a warmhearted Lady, she be.

Now, @Hope1964, @Blondilocks....these Ladies. Close to their ample bosom, their cards lie. 
I can only lay a..........guess. Most of their cards, I surmise get stuck under their skin....I cannot help myself. 
I do this. Get under their skin. But being older and mature, they just brush me off. 
Oh, my...taking some of their skin with me.
They had better wish, a Warlock, I not be. For the skin and the nails, a magic potion can be.

@turnera? She is too easy. I can see her cards from her posts and from the reflection and sparkle in her eyes. She is something that I sense, a women in need of something. Something only Freedom can deliver.
@alte Dame… a lady with intelligence and a sense of humor. A gift to any man. And she can process my gibberish into a manageable hole….whole.
@xMadame….fearless, lives under her own rules, she has a strong back. A good lady to have your back, in a battle, in a foxhole.

@3Xnocharm...her day is coming. The delineation? The Date and your Fate is up this Ghost's sleeve.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> In the ex's mind, the OP is a lying, gaslighting, abusive POS and always will be. She has no doubts about this as that is her personal experience with him. She couldn't care less that he has changed his ways and his new wife is the happy recipient of a changed man. She couldn't care less that he is, now, regretting how he treated her. She most likely wouldn't piss on him if he were on fire. I imagine she most ardently wishes that he would drop off of the face of the earth and never contaminate her line of vision gain.
> 
> Have the decency to leave the woman alone and deal with your demons on your own dime. If she should ever approach you for such an explanation, then you can unburden your soul. Until then, man up and carry the load you created.


Some man, in some life...

Some man needs to pull down your bloomers and paddle the hell out of you.
Lighten up, Kid! :smile2::smile2: :grin2:


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Some man, in some life...
> 
> Some man needs to pull down your bloomers and paddle the hell out of you.
> Lighten up, Kid! :smile2::smile2: :grin2:


*sigh* If I wanted a purse dog, I'd get one.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> *sigh* If I wanted a purse dog, I'd get one.


So would it be a really little dog in a regular purse, or a regular dog is a really big purse?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> *sigh* If I wanted a purse dog, I'd get one.



Now, TAMMERS

This is a cut. A really, really deep one.

But, it is a start and a new beginning for us two.
---------------------------------->>>>>--^^^^^

Let us see where this leads to, three, forlorn.
..................................................................

If you really think about it:

It is the littlest dogs that bite.
Is the littlest dogs that that grossly hump the most.

My Red Dog fur 'was' straight and true. Every other dimension being medium.
Read the script, not the hype..or the yips.
....................................................................

Back to topic: 

I want this guy to apologize to his EX Wife....I do.
She deserves it. She may not acknowledge his genuflecting gesture. 
Say it for her, say it for himself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SunCMars said:


> Back to topic:
> 
> I want this guy to apologize to his EX Wife....I do.
> She deserves it. She may not acknowledge his genuflecting gesture.
> Say it for her, say it for himself.


First off, you posts here are crossing the line.. the bit about bloomers is not acceptable. I'll take care of it tomorrow because right now it's after 1am and stupidly looked on the forum and saw this. I need my sleep.

Now back to the topic.

While you might want him to apologize, my experience is that it hurts to receive such an "apology" more than it will ever help her. As someone else said, this is about him trying to clean up his image with this male friend of is. It has nothing to do with actually apologizing and making anything right. What is telling is the timing, that this did not seem necessary to him until the ex's current husband realized that the OP is his wife's horrible ex.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> First off, you posts here are crossing the line.. the bit about bloomers is not acceptable. I'll take care of it tomorrow because right now it's after 1am and stupidly looked on the forum and saw this. I need my sleep.
> 
> Now back to the topic.
> 
> While you might want him to apologize, my experience is that it hurts to receive such an "apology" more than it will ever help her. As someone else said, this is about him trying to clean up his image with this male friend of is. It has nothing to do with actually apologizing and making anything right. What is telling is the timing, that this did not seem necessary to him until the ex's current husband realized that the OP is his wife's horrible ex.


A heart felt apology is nearly always helpful for the one who was hurt.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> A heart felt apology is nearly always helpful for the one who was hurt.


Have you ever considered writing greeting cards for a living? Such nice, superficial nonsense is the normal fair. You'd do well.

LOL... Some actions are so horrific that a 'heart felt apology' will never help. 

It's amazing to me that you cannot even allow a person to express their own feelings and experiences. Instead you find a need to correct me and tell me that my real life experience is just wrong. 

Perhaps you have never had anyone do anything horrific to you, but some of us have. There are things that can never be made right, not even by a 'heart felt apology'.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Have you ever considered writing greeting cards for a living? Such nice, superficial nonsense is the normal fair. You'd do well.
> 
> LOL... Some actions are so horrific that a 'heart felt apology' will never help.
> 
> ...


I have had terrible things happen in my life, traumatic and devastating, so yes I know what I am talking about. It doesn't take away what has happened, but it helps many to forgive and move on which is very freeing for us.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> I have had terrible things happen in my life, traumatic and devastating, so yes I know what I am talking about. It doesn't take away what has happened, but it helps many to forgive and move on which is very freeing for us.


Will you please stop dismissing the experiences of others. It's arrogant and can be downright cruel.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> I call BS on all who proffer, recommend silence.
> 
> More Silence of the Lambs. :|
> 
> ...


I call BS on any man or woman who has a discussion with their spouse and decides an old flame holds a higher priority in their life. Being blunt, it sounds like jealousy reared its ugly head.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Looking up....flat on my back.

I am properly shot down.

But, unlike others...

My below-the-surface sweetness overpowers *bitterness.

*That, which gains at every blow.

Mine is sorrow, for me, for All.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Hmmh- write the apology letter and send it to yourself. Read it EVERY day for a year.

Leave your ex alone and send affirmations/prayer/ shoutouts her way - everyday - and hope your buddy is a better man to her than you ever were.

Go be the man you say you are NOW- to your current wife -unless you want her to Become a member of your ex- wives club.


.


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## a_mister (Aug 23, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I have had terrible things happen in my life, traumatic and devastating, so yes I know what I am talking about. It doesn't take away what has happened, but it helps many to forgive and move on which is very freeing for us.


This is fair, but other people have different types of boundaries and don't necessarily experience this the way you do. Not everyone cares what problem people from their past are thinking or feeling. They simply want the other person gone, period, and receiving a letter from that person, no matter how well-meaning, would be treated as an annoyance at best, harassment at worst.

The OP has mentioned that his ex-wife doesn't allow much contact and hasn't had anything to do with him for years. There's likely a reason for this. It's in his best interest to respect that she hasn't expressed any interest in his ideas about their marriage, which is over and will continue to be over.


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## Tiggy! (Sep 9, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> While you might want him to apologize, my experience is that it hurts to receive such an "apology" more than it will ever help her. As someone else said, this is about him trying to clean up his image with this male friend of is. It has nothing to do with actually apologizing and making anything right. What is telling is the timing, that this did not seem necessary to him until the ex's current husband realized that the OP is his wife's horrible ex.


:iagree:
Sometimes all any contact years after the event does is open old wounds.
OP do you know if your ex wife is aware you're are casual friends with her current bf?
If she is aware she there's a good chance would see through your apology.


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