# House tidying and way wife speaks to me - winds me up



## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Im the first to admit I am possibly not the best in the world. I'm prone to leaving stuff lying around.

Yesterday was not a good day to do so. Wife was ill and had a hard day at work. (Shes been off long term sick, still not great, but going back to work a few weeks ago - so its tough at the moment)

BUT, she calls me from the kitchen, semi-jokingly, "Bob - come here please". I ask her what. She says just come here. I say what do you want.

Turns out I'd left something lying around but it all kicked off into an argument then. She accused me of unnecessarily kicking off when it wasn't said seriously anyway. Of course, I was in the wrong to start with but still....

I hate being spoken to like this feel its disrespectful way to speak to someone. I guess her answer is that if I act like a kid she'll speak to me like one but I dont feel she has this right.

I've told her lots of time she needs to speak to people how she likes to be spoken to. She is the worlds worst for flying off the handle if I say something off to her. I often mention this - saying if I'd just said that to you, you'd be screaming right now!

OK it was a semi-joke maybe but shes got a habit of doing it too much.

But it winds me up so much. Yeh I could blank her and ignore her but that'd just get out of hand. How to deal?

Let it go and just say "Yes Dear, whatever" or make an issue out of it?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I was married to someone who frequently said things in a "semi joking" way. He does it to everyone to get away with criticisms, digs, It's unlikely you'd get her see/admit this.


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## Fitgirl (Jul 30, 2015)

LOL okay Next time just smile and say "yes mommy" .. This embarrassed her into quitting 😆


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

ummmmm.... Joke back? If she is messing with something you left laying around here is an example:

(say you left the blender out after making a smoothie, and when you made it you did not bother to put the top on and now there are little bits of pureed dingleberries all over the countertop)

WIFE: Bob come here right now! Why did you leave this sh!t all over the place in here when you know I am tired and need to use the kitchen?

BOB ANSWER #1: I want to be punished! (said in a sexual way)

BOB ANSWER #2: OMG you look so cute when you get upset that I can not help it!

BOB ANSWER #3: Look, I had one hellacious argument with the blender earlier today, and the blender won. To be honest I was working up the courage to even come back in here to clean it up and put it away. It all started when I was having this crazy sexual affair with the blender, and then it turned on me by being really cruel and it really hurt my feelings. I guess I was being a little to rough with it anyway. I'm sorry.

BOB ANSWER #4: Just wait until you see what I left bedroom! 

BOB ANSWER #5: It was not me! My penis is very angry with you and he did it just being his passive aggressive self. Now I'll clean it up, but you really need to talk to my penis and make things right, because I am getting really tired of putting up with this crap between the two of you!

BOB ANSWER #6: I know, and it was not me. I have the crazy women that break into the house all the time to try and have sex with me, and I got scared and had to run for my life in the middle of making a smoothie. Honey, with me being such an incredibly sex husband in a neighborhood of all these wild women, I am starting to think we should get a guard dog? That might help keep the house clean! 

...I could go on and on! 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

> I was having this crazy sexual affair with the blender



I can see that ending badly....


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Hey man--

here's what I've done in response to this stuff.

Step 1: Pick an occassion where the issue is not "live" (i.e., not when she's just asked you to do something). Then discuss with her that you get the feeling she is pretty annoyed with you about tidiness. Say that you will try to take more initiative to be cleaner BUT you will not be taking orders from her any longer and will not respond if she speaks to you in a disrespectful way.

Step 2: when she inevitably starts with the same behavior, just ignore her. If she gets in your face about it, calmly remind her that you've already talked about this, that you're not going to respond when she does this and just walk away. After the first couple of times of this, you should not even say anything, just ignore her and walk away when she gets in your face.

Step 3: if she is like my wife, she will probably go nuts because you're no longer participating in this back and forth. You've got to just be like a wall-- she can flip out but you're not moving. Eventually, she will realize it is pointless and THEN you may start getting somewhere.

All of the above is easy to say but hard to do.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Thanks all. Couple of ways to deal it seems.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Or, just pick up the stuff you left around. How hard is that?


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Or, just pick up the stuff you left around. How hard is that?


Or, how about she communicate like an adult…how hard is that?


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

OnTheFly said:


> Or, how about she communicate like an adult…how hard is that?


She probably has....millions of times and is tired of it. This is where the WAW issues come into play.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

You just need to call her on it, every single time. She speaks to you like a child you don't play games and don't retaliate because that doesn't do anything but ramp it up. You simply say don't talk to me like a child, I don't speak to you that way and walk away. You take all the power away from the situation when you do that.



And please pick up your stuff that's really annoying.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I would like to hear Bob's wife's side of this story. He's says he's prone to leaving stuff lying around... but I'm wondering how accurate that is. Does he leave the occasional item behind, or does he leave a disaster in his wake?

Honestly, if I was constantly cleaning up after my partner, I would be p!ssed as hell. I'm normally a pretty laid-back person, but this sort of thing would probably turn me into a raging b!tch. Especially considering that I work full-time... and I think the OP's wife works full-time, right? It would make me feel unappreciated, taken for granted. I would feel like my partner didn't care about my needs or feelings. If I had brought it up multiple times, and my partner still wouldn't pick up after himself, I would think that he was purposely leaving a mess to make me mad, out of contempt; or to prove that he was the one in charge, that I couldn't boss him around, that our relationship is NOT in fact equal, and you better shut up woman and learn your place.

She's not asking a lot. Just that you be a grown-up and clean up after yourself. You NOT doing so--after previous multiple requests that you please clean up after yourself--is sending a LOT of negative messages to your wife about your relationship.

Not to mention, as Wolf said, that it's really annoying when your housemate won't pick up their stuff.

Be considerate of your wife and the fact that she has to share space with you, and clean up after yourself. I'm not saying that you take on all the housework or whatever. Just make sure cleaning up after you isn't another chore that SHE has to do. Just do that, and you might see a huge change in her attitude without having to actually talk to her about it. 

Now, if you start acting like a responsible human being and she still has an attitude with you, then you'll need to have a discussion.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Or, just pick up the stuff you left around. How hard is that?


Exactly. Be an adult and clean up after yourself. 

If someone is a habitual slob who leaves messes for someone else to clean up it means they're either a child (which we know you're not) or an adult with an entitlement problem. 

So here's the thing. Your actions are forcing your wife in to one of two roles: your mommy or your servant. Take your pick. Neither one is good. 

Stop leaving stuff around and start cleaning up after yourself and she won't have reason to feel like a mommy or a servant.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

sometimes people disagree about the level of cleanliness that is "normal."

just because someone leaves something lying around does not mean he expects his spouse to clean it up. 

there are some things that need to get done and some things that are really optional. not everyone prioritizes living in a spotless house.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Anon1111 said:


> sometimes people disagree about the level of cleanliness that is "normal."
> 
> just because someone leaves something lying around does not mean he expects his spouse to clean it up.
> 
> there are some things that need to get done and some things that are really optional. not everyone prioritizes living in a spotless house.


That's true. But what do you do when the priorities don't match? For a person who doesn't prioritize cleanliness, how bad does it have to get before they will do something? How long will they leave their junk lying around?

And if someone insists on deprioritizing cleanliness, isn't it just as fair for the other spouse to de-prioritize something that's important to them? As in, I'll do your laundry when I feel like it, or I'll make dinner when I'm done surfing the Internet. 

After all any adult can feed themselves and wash their own laundry. You don't NEED your spouse to do those things, though it would be nice. Same thing with being neat and tidy. Not a need, but definitely a nice to have.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

When I first got married it bugged the hell out of me when my husband left his stuff lying around. He would come home, go the br and undress. Leaving everything is a pile behind the door. I would get angry, demand he picks it up and our evening is ruined. So, I got a hamper, now he puts all of it into the hamper, when its full he takes it and leave it by the washer. 

He hates it when I leave the sink dirty. Over the years, who cares anymore. His mess, my mess, the kids mess. We all join in to clean up when we see it needs getting done. My son leaves dirty socks on his bed. I left his socks on the bed for a few days. Now old boy does it himself.

Constantly reminding someone to clean up after themselves is tiring. It takes less time to clean up after yourself, than, it takes for someone to call you over, remind you and have a quarrel. Spend time loving each other. Clean up after yourself.


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## Icey181 (Apr 16, 2015)

My wife and I are both "neat freaks" to a certain extent, we simply cannot relax if the house is trashed.

However, we have different definitions of "clean," and this has created issues in the past.

The big blow up a while back was over the bathroom; she feels the need to hand-scrub just about every inch of the bathroom, down to the backside of the toilet bowl/legs, on a weekly basis.

I do not.

One week I knew she was having a tough time of it so I cleaned the house top to bottom, to my standards.

When she came home she looked around…

And then proceeded to yell at me about the bathroom as though I was a child, demanding that I clean it to her standards.

The end result of that conversation was me telling her that the bathroom was now her responsibility and that I was never going to touch it again.

Just this last weekend we were doing some summer cleaning and she asked, "Why don't you clean the bathroom anymore?"

A simple, "You know why, I got the office," put it away. She did the bathroom, I cleaned the office.

It comes down to this.

1) Do not be a slob. Pick up after yourself and do not trash the place.

_but_

2) Recognize that adults have differing senses of "clean" and that, if one person wants something done a certain way, they are welcome to do it themselves.

If you are leaving stuff around the house for hours on end, you need to stop that.

Otherwise, you should have a mature talk about house hold chores/responsibilities and different standards.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I'm not your employee but if you need to treat me as one put your demands in writing. thanks.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I'm wondering if the semi-joking way she said it is because she was trying to head off another argument.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I think there are more important things than arguing about something left lying around where its not supposed to be? My husband is not the tidiest person in the world, but i love him just the same, if there is something lying around that i am not happy with i just pick it up. Life is to short to argue about a dirty sock or plate left somewhere. The more you nag the worst it will be.

I used to find that things left around bothered me, I used to threat about it and it made me missrable and unhappy. I expressed my concerns to hubby and teens and things got a BIT better. Now i do not get to upset if things are not to my liking there are more important things to worry about.

If i looked around my home there are more than a few things that would probably piss me off if i look for them, but i cant really bothered just to cause an argument.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Update on this. Had an argument about it this weekend. Bit of background - she works part-time, shes not 100% well, we now pay for a cleaner once a week. I work full time, long long commute so I'm very tired BUT I do VERY VERY well out of it. So it pays for holidays, nice things, etc.

Occasionally, she works weekends and I look after kids. Not great but I get to spend time with kids which is cool.

This weekend gone she worked. Yeh I kept the place tidy - in all honesty it was ok. As well as can be expected with a 2 year old.

She came home monday and spent 2 hours cleaning. It was not good enough for her. Made herself ill over it because she overdid. Of course, it was my fault for not doing good enough job. I said I didnt agree with her actions etc but her attitude is if she wants the house clean I do as she says....

Now, feel free to agree/disagree but heres what I think....

There are tons of things taking up our time. She WANTS to work but its tough for her, as is looking after our kids. I get that. I work long hours, long commute - but we get a LOT of money out of it and she does spend it a lot so shes happy with that.

Something has got to give IMHO. You can't have it all. Her getting all OCD over it and making herself ill is just nuts if you ask me. Yeah I will do my best but, like I said, you can't have it all. Working, illness, kids means its not possible to have a showhome standard house all the time. She might like to have that but she doesnt seem to understand that my opinion is different...

I just think that sometimes she needs to look at the bigger picture here.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

It is nuts but her idea of clean and your idea of clean if different. She should be spending that time relaxing and having family time. There is nothing you can do about it, just let her clean and don't feel guilty that you don't clean up to her standards.


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## Bitteratwomen (Jun 21, 2014)

2 different ideas of cleanliness. If you are not cleaning the way she likes it, then that is something she needs to figure out how to deal with, unless you're just a total slob. It'd probably be easier for her to clean how she likes it rather than argue with you for not doing it her way.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Thanks all. I agree. The thing is and she's said this - 
there's no compromise it's clean or not clean. She decides not me is what she said lol. 

Last weekend I just said ok think what you like but I disagree but I'm not arguing about it. She was not happy but didn't know what to say.

Can be very stupid and immature sometimes can my wife. I often say to her if I said 10% of the things you say to me and I ignore every day we'd be having a screaming argument every day.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Bitteratwomen said:


> 2 different ideas of cleanliness. If you are not cleaning the way she likes it, then that is something she needs to figure out how to deal with, unless you're just a total slob. It'd probably be easier for her to clean how she likes it rather than argue with you for not doing it her way.


I often do let her get on with it. Make yourself ill not my problem.

But then she tries the guilt thing to start an argument. I've been in work come home to this mess.

Then I get I hate this house, it's a **** hole, it's a mess etc. Really winds me up I work hard and we've got a lovely house. She comes from a council estate and I often think go back there then darling.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It sounds like you could have a house cleaner every day and your wife would still be bonkers over the cleanliness. Tell her that if this is the way she is going to be, then you won't be doing anything around the house and you don't want to hear a word about it because she is making you miserable.

You could always cut your hours to spend more time cleaning but that won't work because she doesn't like the way you clean. She had to have known this about you before marriage.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

badsanta said:


> ummmmm.... Joke back? If she is messing with something you left laying around here is an example:
> 
> (say you left the blender out after making a smoothie, and when you made it you did not bother to put the top on and now there are little bits of pureed dingleberries all over the countertop)
> 
> ...


BOB ANSWER #7: Yes dear, I'll pack my stuff and get out.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> It sounds like you could have a house cleaner every day and your wife would still be bonkers over the cleanliness. Tell her that if this is the way she is going to be, then you won't be doing anything around the house and you don't want to hear a word about it because she is making you miserable.
> 
> You could always cut your hours to spend more time cleaning but that won't work because she doesn't like the way you clean. She had to have known this about you before marriage.


Yes shes always been like this. Wants it all sometimes does my dear wife. Wants money to spend, wants me home doing DIY, looking after the kids....

Not helped by her mother. She is excessively tidy. Really really OCD. Her childhood was like this. Her mother thinks of her house a shrine to cleanliness. She one interest - keeping her house clean as possible. Shes got rooms in the house (now she lives alone) that she doesnt use - no-one is allowed in there deffo not to sit down. One room has a TV in there that doesnt work even but it looks tidy.

I guess with this upbringing its no wonder!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

With that upbringing, it's a wonder that your wife isn't a pig. Whatever happened to girls not wanting to grow up to be like their mothers?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

bob1471 said:


> Let it go and just say "Yes Dear, whatever" or make an issue out of it?


I requested something of my husband the other day. He conveyed his response with a certain look in his eye combined with an eyebrow raise. It was a simple gesture that communicated that he wasn't going to do the thing and made me realize I was asking too much. A few seconds taking in his body language, I couldn't help but laugh... he laughed too. We moved on.

Words, body language, tone, actions, all that stuff is communication. When she's hollering for you, depending on her tone, why respond? Let her come to you. When she does, tell her if she wants to talk to you, she can come and talk but don't be hollering. It's a start in communicating to her how you wish to be treated.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

bob1471 said:


> Im the first to admit I am possibly not the best in the world. I'm prone to leaving stuff lying around.


If there's simple stuff you can do, such as not leaving stuff lying around, then take care of that.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

I don't know.
I sort of get it and her cleaning. Sometimes it just feels like an uphill battle. I spend all day cleaning and then someone walks through the house with shoes on. I stare at the floor and sigh and my H says what? He doesn't get it. He doesn't SEE it. It's a level of OCD.
Just let her do it.
You have a cleaner..maybe get the cleaner to come in twice a week instead. Might help your wife a bit...I'm the type who would probably clean before the cleaner gets there and sounds like she would too...but I think she might appreciate it.
And if you leave stuff around then make an effort to put it back. 
I get her going off about the house being a mess..welcome to my life when I get home from work. No it's not a disaster but not to where I want it.
Just let her rant and rave. Walk away.
Try not to take the stuff she says seriously: it's the craziness talking when it comes to having a clean tidy house.
That's my two cents.


Sent from my iPhone


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Everyone has their own standard to what they think is clean enough. I personally get very stressed out when I walk into my house and it's messy and unorganized. And when I come home or wake up and the house is clean and organized the way I like it... It's hard to explain but it's the best feeling in the world, it's like the best way to start my day. Just an insight to what her thinking maybe, I'm not trying to disagree with you. When my house doesn't seem organized and clean, I feel like I am scattered brain and not put together. 
You just need to talk to her about it and try to understand how she feels. Don't just disagree with her. This issue is more emotional to her than you realize so try to express to her that you get how it makes her feel. (That goes a long way!). Talk to her. However she needs to understand that her standard of cleanliness can not be expected by you. Tell her to pick a couple things that bother her the most and do those things for her.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> Everyone has their own standard to what they think is clean enough. I personally get very stressed out when I walk into my house and it's messy and unorganized. And when I come home or wake up and the house is clean and organized the way I like it... It's hard to explain but it's the best feeling in the world, it's like the best way to start my day. Just an insight to what her thinking maybe, I'm not trying to disagree with you. When my house doesn't seem organized and clean, I feel like I am scattered brain and not put together.
> You just need to talk to her about it and try to understand how she feels. Don't just disagree with her. This issue is more emotional to her than you realize so try to express to her that you get how it makes her feel. (That goes a long way!). Talk to her. However she needs to understand that her standard of cleanliness can not be expected by you. Tell her to pick a couple things that bother her the most and do those things for her.


I have am certainly far cleaner than most. I like the place to be clean.

My wife would have said that she did the housework in our marriage and she believed it. She did not _actually do_ the housework. The breakfast bowl was normally there on the table when I got back from work, but her belief that she had cleaned it up was genuine. 

I had a bonus at work and went to spend the money on a dishwasher. My then wife was concerned. She thought it very kind of me, but as I was clearly very tried and needed a rest, should I not spend the money on something that would make my life easier. We agreed that I would stop doing the occasional bit of help with the dishes for a while. A few days later, the kitchen was covered in dirty dishes and we bought a dishwasher.

My ex-wife is not unusual in this. In my experience, one partner of often completely delusional about how much housework they do. In the UK, it is almost always the woman, but I have seen this vary in different countries.

The problem is, we cannot tell on a thread how much housework a poster or their spouse do. I would come back after a couple of days, and be angry that the house was a complete ****hole and she would be bewildered. 

So, it could be he is actually doing nothing and she is being taken advantage of. If could also be that she is utterly deluded. Either way, I have no suggestions. 

What I had expected of my wife is that she would do the basic cleaning; dishes, picking laundry off the floor and that I would do the shelf cleaning etc. The OP is actually doing this stuff (I suspect that he is), then your advice is very good.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Apart from the cleaning issues I think you both need to read the 5 love languages. Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships? One Language at a Time.. Often in a marriage the actual argument is a straw house for other issues. 

You need to move closer to your work. Yea, smaller home, etc but you are not in the house enough. My folks moved so Dad had a 15 minute commute. He would roll out of bed at 7:50 AM, shower, shave, dress and be at work at 8:30 where he was a purchasing and audit dept. It made a huge difference in the quality of life for his children and wife. My dad had his faults, was very poor about helping with house work, but he was truly king of the hill on things that really mattered to my Mom. 

I attendet a pre-caan work shop while engaged. I remember one couple in particular, bob and Nancy. They walked up to the podium hand in arm. They spoke about issues like this one and how they found compromises. At times they would poke fun at themselves, never at their spouse, and both would look at each other and grin. They left hand in hand. The moderator stepped up to the podium and spoke about the need for perspective. He closed by saying "Nancy and Bob never expected Nancy would go blind. Care for each other, work on the issues but keep in mind to be have perspective.". No one in that room had any idea she was blind.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

@EleGirl once again an elegant 2x6 to back of the head. Can't help but remember the old V8 commercial: "I could have had a V8".


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

bob1471 said:


> I often do let her get on with it. Make yourself ill not my problem.
> 
> But then she tries the guilt thing to start an argument. I've been in work come home to this mess.
> 
> Then I get I hate this house, it's a **** hole, it's a mess etc. Really winds me up I work hard and we've got a lovely house. She comes from a council estate and I often think go back there then darling.


In my experience, the conviction of oppression regardless of reality is stronger in the UK than generally. 

That moves me to think nothing can be done.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> You just need to talk to her about it and try to understand how she feels. Don't just disagree with her. This issue is more emotional to her than you realize so try to express to her that you get how it makes her feel. (That goes a long way!). Talk to her. However she needs to understand that her standard of cleanliness can not be expected by you. Tell her to pick a couple things that bother her the most and do those things for her.


I like this. Good ideas here.....


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