# I am the one who cheated



## yim (Nov 23, 2010)

I was treated bad in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage.
I was so patient and handled a lot. 
I was never satisfied in our sexual relationship
After 20 years of marriage my h became unable to accomplish the sexual relationship 5 years in a row he refused to see a Dr.

I was so patient but he drained me. I was living with him but not feeling alive. He was blaming me for everything even for his inability to accomplish the sexual relationship
I had to handle everything without hearing even a nice word from his side...
I am not trying to justify my actions but trying to draw the situation from all sides.

I fell in love with the person who made me feel better about myself and i felt myself alive The EA turned to PA this affair lasted couple months 
I had experienced the feeling of love and loved it i didn't want to lose it and couldn't give it to my h
I can't explain how it happened but all the love that i carried in my heart got transferred to the second person and i had the second EA and PA that lasted for a year
After this one i decided to not look to any other man outside the marriage 

I never wanted to become a cheater i have so many values in my life and i am committed to my church 

But i lived so much unfairness i needed to do something 
first to feel myself alive 
second to feel guilty and deserving to be mistreated so i can handle more

My h never changed and never tried to do anything from his part and i had no hope to leave a marriage that i suppose to keep for ever to keep the family together.

A year later, I met this guy he is married, my heart woke up and couldn't fight my feelings and it was EA and PA but this one was so much different this person taught me a lot. he opened my eyes and made me see that there is other way to deal with my life and i should not stay in unhappy marriage

I know i wasn't cheating my h i was cheating myself and my values and my commitment to be faithful to my vows

When I realized i can leave my marriage i moved out not to be with this guy i moved out to do what is right for me and my kids
I am still in love with this guy i know he can't be mine but i love him more than words can tell.

Now i am a different person i feel guilty to have any PA with him because this may hurt another woman and why should i hurt her!!
And in my future relationship i would never cheat i would rather leave before allowing myself to do anything wrong
But i can't regret what i did because of the way i was seeing things and because of my culture background 

I wanted to open my heart and talk
and i am open to any opinion


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

Well at least you finally did the honorable thing and left your H, granted it took you 3 PA to do it though. Funny you say that you have values but your actions do not speak to that. You said after the 2nd PA you decided not to look to any other man outside your marriage but you ended up doing it AGAIN, this time it was a married man and of course you only think about the consequence of hurting the innocent woman AFTER the PA begins. 

sounds like you need new values and recommit yourself to your church.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I doubt that anyone who has an affair, including me, feels that it was the right thing to do.

For me, I prided myself on being honest and trustworthy. My occupation requires it and it was how I was raised. never cheated on my taxes, always dropped money in the parking meter.

My affair disappointed a lot of people, but especially me. It was a break in a commitment to myself, my wife, my upbringing.

I think most people look at it the same way. Some may try to justify it, some make the same mistake more than once. None of us are perfect.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

yim said:


> But i can't regret what i did because of the way i was seeing things and because of my culture background


I am really curious what you mean by this?

I only ask because I have done things that I regret, such as getting into a serious relationship too soon after my divorce. Looking back, I see that it was a selfish choice at the time, wanting to feel loved by someone, but not the best choice for me as far as adjusting to life after divorce and the impact on my kids, my job, finances, which all needed extra attention during that time. I also needed to learn to be alone and be happy with that.

So I regret certain choices in my life from time to time, but I also spend time working through the better course and learning, growing from life experiences so that I don't have repeat performances.


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## yim (Nov 23, 2010)

Thank you guys for your reply

In fact now i think the way you do but when i committed the PA's I wasn't in this situation of mind
and the two last guys was both married

My culture where i use to live was: a girl should be virgin when married no sexual relationship before marriage
So expecting PA between married people is not something this awful the awful is committing the act 
And marriage in my culture and religion should be till death and women should take care of their husbands

I was taking care of my h and he was mistreating me even in front of others and yes dblkman i had values and i don't think what i needed was new values what i needed was to appreciate myself the first person i hurt was me i cheated myself.

Back than i had no clue i knew it is my destiny to be with my h till death how can i continue an unfair life? For me it was by accepting love from outside to feel i am alive with a h who doesn't fulfill any of my needs
In life i am very honest i think say and do the same things so no double faces, to not being honest in this situation is not being myself and this feeling hurt me a lot

After we lived a while in another country i learned a new word "I CAN" even my religion allows me to say NO to the unfair life and also allows me to leave this abusive marriage
unfortunately what happened it happened

I am a new person now i have the same values but also i have a high self esteem and self worth and i started knowing what a boundary means and what should be the priorities in my life

Any feed back is welcome

How much should i beat myself for what happened???

If i am a person you know, after you read my story what do you think?
Do you forgive my acts? Do you still trust me?
If you are a guy would you fear marrying me???


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

yim said:


> How much should i beat myself for what happened?


It sounds as if you've done enough of that.


yim said:


> If i am a person you know, after you read my story what do you think?
> Do you forgive my acts? Do you still trust me?
> If you are a guy would you fear marrying me???


Everyone has a past. The only thing that matters is how you are today. I would go as far to say there is less risk with someone who has made mistakes and learned from them than with someone who has not made them at all. (See below)



yim said:


> I am a new person now i have the same values but also i have a high self esteem and self worth and i started knowing what a boundary means and what should be the priorities in my life
> ???


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## yim (Nov 23, 2010)

swedish said:


> I am really curious what you mean by this?
> 
> I only ask because I have done things that I regret, such as getting into a serious relationship too soon after my divorce. Looking back, I see that it was a selfish choice at the time, wanting to feel loved by someone, but not the best choice for me as far as adjusting to life after divorce and the impact on my kids, my job, finances, which all needed extra attention during that time. I also needed to learn to be alone and be happy with that.
> 
> So I regret certain choices in my life from time to time, but I also spend time working through the better course and learning, growing from life experiences so that I don't have repeat performances.


I guess my last post did answer your question in fact if i don't have regret for what i did i wouldn't post it here 
but i can say if i go back in time with the same circumstances and same way of thinking i would do the same.

But in my way of thinking right now as i said i would never cheat i would leave nothing would justify cheating and i would never stay in an unhealthy relationship.

Even if i go back in time and i have my way of thinking now, also i would leave no matter what i have to pay as consequences of leaving a marriage in my country i would do it and not let myself pay the consequences of cheating myself

Hope i am not confusing you and i was able to clarify my thoughts and you are able to understand what i meant


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Yim:

Time to move on, simple truth is an affair is an affair and is wrong, you have said so as well. 

What you must do is build your self esteem and start looking after yourself. Under no circumstances must you ever see or contact the OM or in your case OM's.

You said you are in love with the OM, not so this is affair and fog talk, accept this I am not making this up. 

This will be tough but to break this pattern you have to practice honesty, honesty in everything you do and say. 

I would normally advise you tell the OM's wife you had an affair, why? because she deserves to know her husbands a cheat and they can then work on their marriage. This must happen at a point in time. It causes you to feel the affect of your dishonesty and forces you to think of future consequences. 

The processes is inherent, you can't be taught to be honest you have to practice it in your every day life, words actions and deeds. You are then conditioning yourself that in a future relationship you do not repeat you failing.

Look after yourself and thanks for coming to the forum


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What really matters is what you do now, moving forward. If you truly will never contact the OM again, then you can stop beating yourself up and move forward. However, if you keep in contact with this man, when he is still married, you have not really learned from your experience.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future.

Lyn


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## yim (Nov 23, 2010)

I am thankful for all your posts and for your understanding and advice

The OM is a coworker but the chance to see him at work is rare i am not in contact with him since a while nor in contact with any other man 

But I can't just decide to stop loving him because each time i think to take him out of my mind and stop loving him i feel loving him more

Physically i walked away but emotionally i am still not ready

I don't see it wrong it is not going to hurt anyone and i don't feel i am not honest if i just loved him
It will come a day i will let him go of my mind i don't know when but i know it is going to come

What do you think?


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## yim (Nov 23, 2010)

I need help in certain points. The divorce will be final soon and i am going to be available for other men i am scared i need to brake the chain because i got attached easily to certain type of men what makes me pick the wrong ones for me i can tell the three men were controllers and manipulated me same like my h so i am attracted to this kind of men 

I know i am working on my self and i got improved a lot. but when i can know that i am ready??
Any advice?????

I just need to feel confident i might not want to be with other man but this should be my choice not because i fear something


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> I know i am working on my self and i got improved a lot. but when i can know that i am ready??
> Any advice?????


The only way you will be ready is when you stop fantasizing over the OM, The day that happens is the day you go to meet new men. Any other day they will be tarnished by the thoughts you have of him. 

In the interim get yourself sorted out, work hard, stay focused, get a new hobby, palates, yoga , keep busy.


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