# Having a hard day



## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

It's a little over two weeks since d-day and mostly things have been going well. I truly believe that finding out about my w's affair may have saved us. 

However, I am having a hard time because I am going out of town for two days on a field trip w/my son and I can't shake the thought that either he will try to make contact again or that she will because I'm not here. We have had a stressful few weeks and I know that he was her go-to for venting and emotional outlet. 

On top of that, I know that her preferred method of contacting him was through yahoo chat, which I can't see and don't have any way to trace. She has assured me that she is not going to contact him ever again and he has also said that but I can't get the thought out of my head. Any sage words folks, or is this just one of those 'leap of faith' kind of things?

Any help is appreciated.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Keylogger. You are at a vulnerable stage in things and breaking no contact is very common. If you want to know how committed she is right now, install a key logger on her computer.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

It's her work computer and I don't have access to install a keylogger. So looks like i'm stuck w/leap of faith time.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

StrugglingMan said:


> It's her work computer and I don't have access to install a keylogger. So looks like i'm stuck w/leap of faith time.


I wish I had words to confort you. I was supposed to go out of town this past wkend but changed my plans due to that same fact. It's so upsets to be made to feel like this and I wish better for you as I do myself......Good luck


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

hmmm.

I'm not sure changing plans is the best method. I realize that this is normal, and emotions and trust are at an all time low right now...plus mix in a bit of paranoia into the mix....and life just sucks even more right now.

I wouldn't change plans. If they contact this weekend, they will contact next weekend too. Things won't change any differently over a weekend as far as repairing your marriage. Either they do, and will commit to the NC clause, or they won't, in which case it didn't matter anyways. 

If you change your plans because of your DS, then you will always be caught in that web of theirs. You need to work on yourselves. Be yourselves right now. Get stronger. Lose that negative enmeshment and lack of independence you have right now.

Go out! Have fun! Make it for you! Let THEM sit at home worrying about things for once. Let your DS know that you can still function in this life without them if that is they path they want to take.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I know exactly how you feel. it is hard as hell. I have not had to leave yet other than my typical day job but even going to work sucked bad at first. All you can do is be open and honest with your wife and take the leap of faith.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Strugglingman - I COMPLETELY relate to your post. My WW went on a girls trip 3 weeks after dday - something planned long ago. It's a long story. She was gone for 6 days!! Just came back last night. 

If she reaches out and breaks the NC it will be one of two reasons.

1) she isn't done with the affair and is still going behind your back, or

2) she truly believes in working on the marriage and she wants to 100% close the door without hurting you, so she'll do it when you are not around.

Some will say #2 is a crock of s***. But I disagree. Some people need to wash their hands, once and for all, on their terms. And here's my thoughts on this. Let them. Tell your spouse that you WANT her to have one last call or email with the OM (but not in person). Tell her to sit down, think about all the things you really have to say, then let it all out. Then say, very firmly, that because of this concession on your part, you are now at a zero tolerance policy. One more contact after that and you have a lawyer lined up to begin the separation. Tell her that if she does it again after that, you will assume she has chosen the affair/OM over your marriage and she is ready to accept all the ramifications.

Then if she breaks it again, dump her. See, you can't live your life spying around. Let her get out all the final words, then set your final boundary. If she wants to keep breaking the boundary then the marriage can't ever be saved, and you move on with your life. But if she keeps it then, then you know you have a wife that really is serious about reconcilation.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Try being married to an airline pilot only to learn of an affair w a F/A that had been going on for almost a year . Dinners in Europe together, stroll in european cities late at night. Long lay over in city around the world, not to mention world class hotels room ready available,(on company dime) as well as pubs to stop into.... this is my new reality... this is what my husband and I use to do together for 28 years, that is,until 3 weeks ago... he says the affair is over,


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

Ouch. Sammy 3 your situationis a tough one & hits many triggers. I'm sorry.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

52flower said:


> Ouch. Sammy 3 your situationis a tough one & hits many triggers. I'm sorry.


I agree, total sympathy there. Wish you a strong recovery


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## findingmyway (May 25, 2011)

try a voice activated recorder or two they are cheap and can be checked easily after the fact with you out of the house you may be surprised at what is said even if they comunicate via chat normaly.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

fwiw, I completely disagree with the "one last conversation".
Her feelings getting soothed in lieu of attention to yours are not the primary focal point -- yours are. And certainly any of his needs for proper closure etc. must mean absolutely nothing. She needs to choose with clarity. If she's in, you're in (although yes it's totaly hard to make a leap of faith). If she's not in, you're not even in discussion.

Re: yahoo chat, she CAN at least do you the service of working to demonstrate whether yahoo chat is even installed on her computer anymore, and show you when the program was last accessed... small consolation, but even the attempted demonstration of compliance -- and concern for your worries -- will matter.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

What 2XL said times 3.

You really think this may have saved you guys??? Are you viewing this as her way of doing a favor of some sort for you or your marriage?


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

@workingdad:

No, she did me no favors, believe me. What I mean by it saving us is that we have been in MC for over two months and we were getting absolutely nowhere. She was completely closed off and even though we loved each other we could not connect. 

Finding out about the affair broke down those walls. She was closed off because she was feeling guilty and ashamed and she was still in an EA with the guy. So there was a third party in our MC and we would have ended up divorced. Finding out put all the cards on the table and has allowed us to talk through a lot of the problems that led her to his bed and let us find ways to be there for each other.

I don't know if this makes any sense or if I'm just being naive, but knowing the truth and getting to the source of all the troubles will allow us to stay together. I am still reeling in incredible hurt, but at least now we can talk about it and work our way through it.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

It makes sense to me. As much as he hurt me by having the A and broke our vows, trust, etc. I think it did save our marriage. Let me rephrase that, the A per se, didn't save our marriage. The A allowed us to communicate, which we hadn;t been, go to MC, which he never would and allowed us to fix "US" and our marriage. 

The A was just a really, really horrible way to bring all our problems to the surface and deal with them. As the MC called it - "the horrible, wonderful thing that happened to our marriage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So what is SHE doing to prove to you that she's not cheating while you're gone?


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

She did a good job of keeping in touch w/me by phone through text or call. As soon as I got home she voluntarily gave over her phone for me to check calls, texts, im's, e-mails etc. 

She is trying. It's going to be harder for me next week when she is out of town on business but she has said she will do anything I ask to make me feel more comfortable.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds good. Don't forget to make time to sit down and discuss it, once a week. And leave the rest of the week for good times.


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