# Wife upset over social activities



## No1-2Talk-2 (Nov 16, 2010)

I’ve got so much to go through I am not sure where to start or how long this post will end up being so I apologize if its long and rambling.

My wife and I have reached the crisis stage in our marriage (20 years). The first sign of trouble is when she asked me 2 years ago to stop going out to bars “with the guys”. Then it escalated to “I don’t want you going out without me” and finally she now gets mad at me if were out with friends and I am not right next to her all night giving her undivided attention.

This all culminated in her asking me to leave the house after we had a fight about what we were going to tell “my friends” if we ran into them about why we were no longer hanging around them. She said I was more concerned about explaining things to them and their feelings than I did for her feelings. I basically have given up any social activities that she does not initiate. 

Almost all other aspects of our marriage are normal. We don’t fight about money, or kids, or work, or sex. If she is the center of my attention everything is fine. We go away on the motorcycle for a long weekend just us together and there are never any problems. Introduce a few other friends and something will always set her off.

She’s told me that her problems are because “my friends” don’t treat her well. So ok, let’s look for couple friends where we both get along. We went out with one of these couples last Saturday night to grab dinner and drinks. We went to a local sports pub because our friends are smokers and they could smoke inside. About an hour into the night I get the business. Not even sure what I did because in fact we were all 4 sitting so close to each other that we were using her stool as a foot rest.

I’ve always been around. I was a good father and raised our kids. I did not work late hours. I was always home for dinner. I never played golf all day on Sunday and left her at home. I never took off on the motorcycle without her. In 20 years of marriage I’ve only been on one “guys” vacation and that was a motorcycle rally that my son went with me.

I’ve done everything that she’s asked. I stopped any “boys activities” whether it was going to a bar or just to the neighbors house for a beer and the football game. I’ve stopped accepting any invitations (not that we get them anymore) to neighborhood get-togethers with our group of friends. And after last Saturdays meltdown with the one couple I now can’t seem to do anything but stay in the house.

We’ve tried individual marriage counseling and that turned into an hour long session of all the things I do to make her sad. After that hour each week we ended up worse than better. Recently we started a PAIRS class. This is a group class that gives you tools that are supposed to strengthen your relationship. We’ve only been to one weekend of the 7 so its too early to tell but she told me she does not feel comfortable in a group setting and does not like that others are sharing their problems and hopes that I am not sharing our problems with the group (many activities break us into small discussion groups).

Personally I believe she has started to experience some severe self-esteem issues. About the time we started having problems she had lost her job due the economy. Her ex-husband is an ex because he ran around on her (at bars) and ended up with a girlfriend. Additionally she has mentioned sexual abuse when she was younger. So I see the filters that are influencing her.

I’ve tried to carefully broach this with her but that just sends her into a complete emotional tail spin. The only explanation she has is that it’s all my fault. I changed by “going out all the time”. And I will admit that I went through a period were I was out a bit more than normal but to hear her explain it this happened every weekend. Many of these activities were couple activities that she would not attend. While it was happening she would say she was not feeling well. Now she’s saying that was her excuse because she did not want to go.

When I talk to her about this she says it took a lot of time to get here so its going to take a lot of time to get her “happy” again. 

I know this is just my side of the story and I’m sure she has a very different one. Every 2-3 days now I do something wrong that gets her upset. I don’t know what to do or where to turn.


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

My ex-husband cheated on me a lot; once with a stripper while I was 5 mos pregnant with our oldest. So, I know all about trust issues. 

There are times I begin to think my boyfriend might cheat. But when that happens, I look at the situation. I look at how long we've been together, and how he's never cheated, never lied, never done anything that could make me doubt him. I look at the way he's planning and working toward our future together, and how very, very different he is from my ex. And that's enough for me to know that asking him to change what he does is unnecessary, because the doubts in my head are unfounded. I work through them and they go away. 

If she's not able to do that, I would think that indicates a rather major problem. Be it low self esteem, depression, or who knows what else, if she can't trust you because of what someone else did, it's something she needs to deal with. 

What really concerns me though is that this seems to be a sudden change after nearly 2 decades together....if it had been this way since day one, I would think it was trust issues. But this sudden change makes me wonder if something triggered some trust issues. I know you say you've done nothing, but I wonder, has there been any point where you worked late without letting her know, or stayed out later than you intended without a phone call, or anything that seems small to you but could have been big to her? Or maybe more likely, did anyone you guys know suddenly find out their spouse was cheating on them around the time she started making these demands? 

Another thought, is since you've been together 20 years, I'm assuming you guys are at least late 30s, early 40s? If so, perhaps she is beginning to go through menopause? I know that wreaks havoc on the hormones, which could make things like this happen. 

That's all I can think of at the moment. I hope you get it figured out so you guys can get back on track.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I think that by limiting your time away from her, you "reward" her for her behavior. And each time you do go out, she complains again and you reward her again by not going out as much.

This is her problem, not yours (except by default of being her husband). I would tell her that you will continue to go out and she will need to talk to a professional to help cope with that. Be supportive in doing this.


----------



## Needhelp911 (Nov 14, 2010)

It sounds like she has a lot of resentment towards you. It sounds like you did a lot of things to make her sad unknowingly and she didn't voice her opinion. She expected you to know and she held it in. When you say every 2-3 days you do something wrong and she gets upset, I don't think you are doing anything wrong, I think she still feels upset about the other things you do so anything you do will not be right unless you two resolve the underlying issues. 

I agree the ex-husband, and child abuse may have impacted her self-esteem.

How about taking her out without her asking you. Or surprising her for a day somewhere special. She has no job, so maybe you can encourage her to do something she likes. Ask her what hobbies she would like to have. It sounds like you are awell-rounded individual and she is struggling with staying well-rounded after losing her job as well as her past. Her job probably helped make her feel secure and now she doesn't have anything to keep her mind busy so she's thinking a lot. I think she needs some hobbies and something that interest her. Once she finds a hobby, you should sit down with her. You could talk about going out with the boys again,but only during the day so she doesn't think something is up. And when you are out with the boys, text her or call her often, with I love you, I miss you, and I can't wait to see you again. This will make her feel secure. 

Do you and your wife go to church? Maybe you can find some church friends that she will be comfortable with.

I hope this helps...



One more thing, how does your guy friends treat her? How come she doesn't like your group of friends? How do you treat her around them? Does she have a problem with the way that you treat her when you are around your friends?


----------

