# Should I let her go



## Omoiyari1985 (May 31, 2014)

My wife and I were together for 7+ years and married for 3 yrs. I found out May 25th that my wife apparently started having a affair back in Dec due to me not making her feel like she was my everything or even enough. I won't lie from Oct to Jan our marraige was horrible, and painful to be in.

She left me back in Jan. and during that time period was diagnosed bipolar, and suffering from bad anxiety. We reconcilled back in Apr. in which she admitted they had slept together in Feb. but that was it and that they were just really good friends, that had decided that a relationship wouldn't work out between them. It was really unsettling and bothered me greatly because in Feb she had no feelings for me and said she wasn't in love with me, then in March she realized that she loved me and couldn't go on without me in her life. So when I moved back in I was very suspicious and was constantly looking for verification for her bringing me back into her life. If it was for financial support or actually working on our marriage. I never really found anything to make me feel better about the situation but found out that the affair with him was from Dec. and that she was still very much in infatuated with him and the idea of being with him, even while having me around. She consistently tried to delete conversations with him, and deny ever seeing him until she was caught which this went on from mid Feb- Dday May 25th when i finally left, 4 days before my Bday.

My current problem is that I feel pitty for her because she is infatuated with this guy who openly told her he doesn't want a relationship, and she continues to throw herself at him. She has convinced herself that they are best friends, and that she is very important to him. In which I pointed out to her that all the conversations I read they were more her venting and talking about her day and he was just responding to it. Not him reaching out to her, so she is stuck chasing someone and missing someone who isn't even persuing her, to the point that she destroyed the R attempt and now I'm disgusted with her because there were periods were she slept with me one day and then slept with him the next day (supposedly never happened during R) but who knows.

What sucks is during my time of feeling sorry for her I talked to her on the phone more this week since we no longer live together, which kind of pulled me back in closer, but this weekend she is bombing the house for roaches (its a duplex) and decided to go stay at his MOMS house (where he lives) this weekend, which she insists that they are out of town. This is causing me to have bad anxiety which i began having due to me thinking of them hooking up, or her texting him sitting next to me. She CLAIMS she wants to make better decisions she just doesn't know how to do it right now, plus she is in the middle of a manaic episode which she says she doen't think she can eliminate her relationship with him, his mom or her favorite Starbucks (where he works)

I'm trying 180 it is just hard to completely cut someone off especially one who is constantly claiming to be sorry, and that she Loves me. But she won't change right now claiming the maniac episode for her current actions.


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## sammy7111 (Apr 19, 2014)

then leave her shes using you


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Omoiyari1985, if you want her to be a better person later on then you have to drop her like a rock. Maybe she will grasp what she's lost and be better for the next guy. You're in a catch 22 though. If you stay with her then you're just reinforcing her belief that she is the victim. Or even worse making her lose all respect for you. Apparently no one has ever taught her that she's accountable for her actions. She thinks bi-polar is a get out of jail free card but it's not. There is never legitimate excuse for screwing around. Leaving? yes. F*cking someone else? NO.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

She has not give up her affair and gone 100% no contact. There is no possibility for recovery if she does not do that.

Her being in a prolonged manic phase might have a lot to do with her bad choices. But it's her responsibility to manage her mental illness issues.

Two things that might help you right now are to read the book "Surviving an Affair" and using the 180 with her (see the link below).

There is not a lot you can do about her right now. So just concentrate on yourself.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I wouldn't let her go, I would toss her out on her ass. You are clearly plan B. If you have any self respect you will divorce ASAP and never look back. I don't mean to be curt, but you need to be jarred awake. Good luck to you man. You deserve better.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Dude, sorry U here, but if there are no kids involved, then save yourself years of tears and heartache.

It's time to go no contact with her.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

She is broken and using you. 
Listen "SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU".

Whatever feelings she has are not really love.

The level of disrespect and lack of concern for your feelings and healing after her infidelity are an unmistakable message.

Let her go.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

First and foremost, stop feeling sorry for her. She sure as hell doesn't feel sorry for you and she's proved it now how many times?

Your best bet is to end this marriage in which you admitted isn't the greatest marriage and she's lying and cheating on you.

Get yourself a lawyer, have her served and be done with it once and of all. The only thing that's going to happen if you don't is a whole lot more of the same.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You know the right answer to this situation---get your D, and move on--------she will do this to you again, and again---if not with this guy---then with some other guy---the minute she feels insecure with you-------


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Man, open your eyes. You are a full on door mat for this woman. You are option number 2 - a backup plan and a meal ticket, that's all. She doesn't give one shiny f*ck about you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Let her go....
Her concern is getting the OM to love her, when it should be getting in better mental health.

Notice how she used the word "now" when it come to healthy choices? See she is even telling you she is not ready to work on her self now.....how can she work on relationship.

Even her new relationship is doomed along with all the other ones in her future until she wants to become mentally healthier.

On a side note the OM has to listen to a lot of bull crap from a chick just to get laid. You know OM would be gone if your old lady wasn't giving it up. I know your old lady is full of crap when she tells you their not screwing around. The sex is her payment to have this POS in her life. The OM's payment is listening to her talk nonstop!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Healer said:


> Man, open your eyes. You are a full on door mat for this woman. You are option number 2 - a backup plan and a meal ticket, that's all. She doesn't give one shiny f*ck about you.


What are you saying...that a OM that works at a coffee shop and lives with his mommy can't provide for OP old lady?


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

IT's time to say goodbye.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

the guy said:


> What are you saying...that a OM that works at a coffee shop and lives with his mommy can't provide for OP old lady?


Never ceases to amaze - these women that trash their marriages/family for complete and utter losers. Says a lot about the wayward, really.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Continue with the 180.

Also, the 'problems' in your marriage, were they genuine or in part manufactured or exaggerated by her to justify her having a bit on the side? 

Is she having a prolonged manic phase?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

One more thing....no wonder you pity your old lady....she is broken.

If it was me I would take this OM to court for allienation of affection. I bet once he gets served at his mommies house he will drop your old lady in a heart beat.

I mean listening to WW nonstop complaining to get laid is one thing, but is the booty call worth getting dragged into court?


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

I think I don't understand your question.

It sounds like she just does whatever the heck she pleases and doesn't give a damn about you, so I don't understand the thread title ("Should I let her go"? Really? She's already gone, Elvis left the building. "She" was probably never there).

Stop making excuses for bad behavior and just admit it is what it is and that nobody deserves to be treated this way by their spouse... instead of auditioning for the role of codepedent doormat.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

YES Omoiyari1985 you should let her go of your, midn, heart, life forever, to the point where you don't even need to feel pity for her.

you wrote your marriage was horrible from Oct - Dec, this is probably when she began to be infatuated by the OM, she porbably had her already convinced with al teh crap that OMs said to bed MW (your H does not treat you as you deserves, if I were lucky to have you I would try you as gold, bla bla) we have seen this alot in the Forum.

he probably was sleeping with her during this period and when she wanted to something serious with him, he used the classic technique that OMs use to end the affair without them looking as jerks, the classic _"how can you said you want something serious with me if you are still with living/married to your husband"_.

Women WW normally don't leave their husband until the OM have compromised to them, but sometimes they play smart and go for the trial separation (*they don't lose the husband and can try for real with the OM*), so this is what probably happened in your case, but as POS that the OM is, it was in this moment that he went cold with her (*it was cool to him to seduce and bed a married woman but not to have a serious relationship with her*), it was at this moment that she returned to you, but still she is infaututed trying to get him to compromise but now the OM does not want anything wit her (and this are the messages you are now reading).

so yes let her go, You are Plan B and she still want to be with the OM, is just that he will not compromise, so between you and nothing, you are a better choice right now.


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## kat24 (May 10, 2014)

You need to figure out what YOU want. what will you put up with. Is she on meds? If not, i don't know that you can see the true her until she has her disorder under control.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She is treating you much worse than how her OM is treating her. Yet you can't detach. Same thing with her and her lover


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Your question is "should I let her go". 

Let me ask you something - 
Would you date, let alone marry someone who does this? She's not the one you married. Not anymore. What's your answer.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Sorry you're going though such turmoil. But it's kinda classic IYKWIM. In the sense that for many "we want what we can't have". 

You might include yourself in this category. He got his rocks off with her, notched his bedpost and doesn't mind a regular piece that's on call. He's not committed to her at all. She can't have him. So what does she do? Bide her time in a safe harbor (you). 

Are you sure you really want to have anything to do with this woman in any meaningful way? Or are you scrambling because she drifted away from you and you're trying desperately to get all of her back? 

If you simply feel sorry for her, why don't you transfer your sorrow toward a useful end and to someone who truly deserves sorrow. Someone like kids needing help at juvie or people in hospice who could use a helping hand. 

Let go.


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## Omoiyari1985 (May 31, 2014)

Well she is now reaching out to me, giving me all her passwords and stuff. She said she doesn't feel the same for him anymore, because the attention she gets from him is "confusing and negative." 
Her exact words after only a day of me having NO CONTACT "So I'm not asking for marriage, I'm not asking for dating, I am asking you not to file yet and to try to be my friend. I'm not willing to choose them (AP and his mom) over you." 

I don't really know what to do, is it possible that this is legit, or she is just covering her tracks real quick, because I was committed to NO CONTACT unless it involved our daughter. Now she is trying to see me today but I told her I have plans.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Omoiyari1985 said:


> Well she is now reaching out to me, giving me all her passwords and stuff. *She said she doesn't feel the same for him anymore, because the attention she gets from him is "confusing and negative." *
> Her exact words after only a day of me having NO CONTACT "So I'm not asking for marriage, I'm not asking for dating, I am asking you not to file yet and to try to be my friend. I'm not willing to choose them (AP and his mom) over you."
> 
> I don't really know what to do, is it possible that this is legit, or she is just covering her tracks real quick, because I was committed to NO CONTACT unless it involved our daughter. Now she is trying to see me today but I told her I have plans.


So she is not comig back to you because of you, but because of what he hasn't done. It sounds like she is not coming back to you but he is letting her go. Big difference.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Omoiyari1985 said:


> Well she is now reaching out to me, giving me all her passwords and stuff. She said she doesn't feel the same for him anymore, because the attention she gets from him is "confusing and negative."
> Her exact words after only a day of me having NO CONTACT "So I'm not asking for marriage, I'm not asking for dating, I am asking you not to file yet and to try to be my friend. I'm not willing to choose them (AP and his mom) over you."
> 
> I don't really know what to do, is it possible that this is legit, or she is just covering her tracks real quick, because I was committed to NO CONTACT unless it involved our daughter. Now she is trying to see me today but I told her I have plans.


File and move forward. She is just keeping plan B in place.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Friends don't do this kind of crap to other friends.

She stabed you in the back, broke a vow and contract, lied and decieved you......and now she wants you as a "friend"????

With friends like that who needs enemies?

Dude she is looking for a banker not a friend.

And another thing, your old lady has to have consequences or she hasn't learned a damn thing from this. Trust me she will do this crap to you again in a couple of years if you let her.

If it was me braking it off with "them" isn't the only thing she needs to do...addressing her mental health would be #2 on the list of keeping her around.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

All together now...1.2.3. "CAKE EATER"


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

YES


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Omoiyari1985 said:


> Well she is now reaching out to me, giving me all her passwords and stuff. She said she doesn't feel the same for him anymore, because the attention she gets from him is "confusing and negative."
> Her exact words after only a day of me having NO CONTACT "So I'm not asking for marriage, I'm not asking for dating, I am asking you not to file yet and to try to be my friend. I'm not willing to choose them (AP and his mom) over you."
> 
> I don't really know what to do, is it possible that this is legit, or she is just covering her tracks real quick, because I was committed to NO CONTACT unless it involved our daughter. Now she is trying to see me today but I told her I have plans.



Notice what she is doing. Once she thinks she is losing control over you, she throws and bone, raises your hopes and dumps you again quoting the exact same text "_*I'm not asking for marriage, I'm not asking for dating*_"


You should reply something similar

"Please do not contact me ever again unless it is related to divorce. I do not want *friends *like you. You already made your choices. "

And block her number


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## Jambri (Mar 19, 2013)

Omoiyari1985 said:


> Well she is now reaching out to me, giving me all her passwords and stuff. She said she doesn't feel the same for him anymore, because the attention she gets from him is "confusing and negative."
> Her exact words after only a day of me having NO CONTACT "So I'm not asking for marriage, I'm not asking for dating, I am asking you not to file yet and to try to be my friend. I'm not willing to choose them (AP and his mom) over you."
> 
> I don't really know what to do, is it possible that this is legit, or she is just covering her tracks real quick, because I was committed to NO CONTACT unless it involved our daughter. Now she is trying to see me today but I told her I have plans.


It's amazing that you even need to post here asking others to help you with a decision you truly should know what needs to be done. The OM being negative and confusing is the ONLY reason she still wants you AS A FRIEND for now. NOT because she wants you herself for anything resembling love. But when he comes back around and becomes Don Juan again you can bet your bottom dollar she won't need your "friendship" any longer. 

And wow how generous of her that she's not willing to choose "them" over the man she MARRIED 7 years ago and promised to LOVE, RESPECT and BE FAITHFUL TO!

I truly feel sorry for you that you lack any self-respect whatsoever.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Nothing has really changed, she wants you to hang around, but is not promising to give up the OM. Being Bipolar, makes this very complicated from just normal cake eating behavior. However, the bottom line is still the bottom line. Until she commits to giving up the other man, there should still be NC from you. You don't have to file for divorce yet, but need to maintain NC, until there is a change in her behavior. 

Is you wife on medication and is she taking it correctly?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Omoiyari1985 said:


> Well she is now reaching out to me, giving me all her passwords and stuff. She said she doesn't feel the same for him anymore, because the attention she gets from him is "confusing and negative."
> Her exact words after only a day of me having NO CONTACT "So I'm not asking for marriage, I'm not asking for dating, I am asking you not to file yet and to try to be my friend. I'm not willing to choose them (AP and his mom) over you."
> 
> I don't really know what to do, is it possible that this is legit, or she is just covering her tracks real quick, because I was committed to NO CONTACT unless it involved our daughter. Now she is trying to see me today but I told her I have plans.


You are mostly going to get people here telling you that you have to not consider reconciliation with your wife because that's just not macho enough.

This is your life. You need to decide what you want to do with your life. If you want a divorce, then do it. But divorce here is not your only choice. If you want to give reconciliation a try then do it. But do it wisely.

Get the books “Surviving an Affair” and “His Needs, Her Needs” written by Dr. Harley. 

She has to end all contact with the OM and his mother NOW.

She has to move home now. 

She had to give you access to all her accounts.

She has to agree to MC with you and work through the “His Needs, Her Needs” book with you. 

Those are just a few of the things that have to happen.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Set the cheater free, that is the only way to cure it. Cheating is fun. Drifting like a turd in a toilet (without a BS for support and stability) is eye opening.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

she apparently is suffering from something very serious. It sounds to me like she is too sick to love like a normal wife would. I.e. she is not capable of being what you need in a wife. Have compassion on her perhaps, but I don't think a happy marriage with her is achievable.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Omoiyari1985 said:


> Well she is now reaching out to me, giving me all her passwords and stuff. She said she doesn't feel the same for him anymore, because the attention she gets from him is "confusing and negative."
> Her exact words after only a day of me having NO CONTACT "So I'm not asking for marriage, I'm not asking for dating, I am asking you not to file yet and to try to be my friend. I'm not willing to choose them (AP and his mom) over you."
> 
> I don't really know what to do, is it possible that this is legit, or she is just covering her tracks real quick, because I was committed to NO CONTACT unless it involved our daughter. Now she is trying to see me today but I told her I have plans.


This happenes all the time.

The Betrayed husband does the 180/no contact thing and the ww comes gushing back.

Nature abhors a vacuum and so does a WS. 

She had balance pining over OM and staying with you.

You upset her balance.

Is this love, hell no.

This is needy desperation.



If you would not have pulled away she would have spoon fed you "hope" and waited for how ever long it takes.

Its actually cruel.

I have seen ws's do this in a false "R" for a very long time while the BS waits for the "feelings" to return.

Can this realization of loss lead to genuine remorse, yes. If a person is a good person to begin with.

If they are a broken, selfish, self-serving individual? I repeat Hell no.



You have to assess the risk.

The problem is that what she is saying is exactly what your wounded heart wants to hear.

How can you know? Consequences and time!

You have lots of time!!! Is it worth the effort to you?

It will not be easy for you. Many do not think it is worth it. It is your call.



You can file and if she can prove herself stop the process.

Some remorseful WW's have agreed to a divorce an to try to save the relationship afterward.

Just being her friend is a very bad idea, she betrayed you and you are in danger of letting your heart cloud your judgment.

Do you think she is counting on that?


What she is really asking of you is what we call "Rug Sweeping" here.

If she wants to show remorse and wants to reconcile then the work is ON HER!!!

Will you be right back here in 2 years?

Will she change enough? Can she?

Ignore her tears and her pleading and begging.

What is she willing to do?!!!



I think she is still in selfish mode, but she may come out of it.

You need to judge, what will it take for you and what will be required of her?

Is she the kind of person with the right character that can turn herself around? Some are, some are not!

Believe me if it get to that point you can get a lot of help right here.

I wish you well, but do NOT be desperate!!!!

It is your life that matters now, not hers!

Take care!


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> You are mostly going to get people here telling you that you have to not consider reconciliation with your wife because that's just not macho enough.
> .



Sexist much?

FWIW, I would tell any married person--male or female--to consider the behavior and work on blatantly codependent doormat behavior in themselves if they were displaying that in reaction to this type or horrifically bad, non-loving, cruel and abusive behavior from their spouse.

She doesn't love him. Where's the empathy? 

What else is there to consider here?

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. She's a known Bad Risk. Time is precious. Don't waste your life on somebody who would do these kind of things to you.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)




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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TimeHeals said:


> Sexist much?
> 
> FWIW, I would tell any married person--male or female--to consider the behavior and work on blatantly codependent doormat behavior in themselves if they were displaying that in reaction to this type or horrifically bad, non-loving, cruel and abusive behavior from their spouse.
> 
> ...





TimeHeals said:


> Sexist much?
> 
> FWIW, I would tell any married person--male or female--to consider the behavior and work on blatantly codependent doormat behavior in themselves if they were displaying that in reaction to this type or horrifically bad, non-loving, cruel and abusive behavior from their spouse.


What you would tell both men and women is not necessarily what others do.

Here on TAM, when a wife had cheated a man is almost never supported to try for recovery. They are told to divorce her, not other options. They are told that they need to man up, and all sorts of things indicating that they are a weak man if they don't. When a man cheats the wife often gets advice and support for trying reconciliation first.



TimeHeals said:


> She doesn't love him. Where's the empathy?
> 
> What else is there to consider here?


I have empathy for the OP. But it’s not place to tell him that the only choice he has is to get a divorce. Many people do recovery their marriage even after situations like this one. I’ve seen it over and over again. Not only recover their marriage but go on to have a good marriage.



TimeHeals said:


> The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. She's a known Bad Risk. Time is precious. Don't waste your life on somebody who would do these kind of things to you.


That’s your attitude. It does not reflect reality. 

Most people who cheat are one time cheaters. IT happens at a time of crisis in their life. They never repeat. 
Some people believe that there is no forgiveness or redemption in life. Others believe that a person who does wrong and right it and that a marriage can be repaired even after infidelity.

I think that giving the OP information of different options and letting him make up his own mind on what he wants to do with his life it the best way to go.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

EleGirl;9008378 said:


> Most people who cheat are one time cheaters. IT happens at a time of crisis in their life. .


You, of course, will publish data from longitudinal studies to support this wild unsubstantiated claim. I'm not biting on the rest of your sexist rant, but I do suspect your sexism influences your advice.

Most people who cheat, in my experience, have low empathy, are very self-centered generally speaking and have entitlement issues, so even if you spackle over the cheating, life with them is difficult in most cases, but when you are dealing with their spouse who is displaying codependent behavior, it's complicated by the fact that the codependent spouse is likely an expert at rug-sweeping and reacting to the bad behavior of their abuser, often by trying to smooth things over.

The OPs particular case is also complicated by his former partner's diagnosed mental condition (she's not behaving like a partner, so let's call her former) which is likely persistent.



> _Most people who meet criteria for bipolar disorder experience a number of episodes, on average 0.4 to 0.7 per year, lasting three to six months. Source: Angst J, Sellaro R (2000). "Historical perspectives and natural history of bipolar disorder". Biological Psychiatry _


Read that and think about it. If a bipolar episode and not taking meds becomes an excuse for infidelity (rationalization) or is used to downplay the abusive behavior (minimization, denial), then recurrent infidelity is likely. I should note, however, that most people who are diagnosed with bipolar disorder do not use their disorder as an excuse to abuse their spouse or to be unfaithful. Many of them are responsible, take their meds, are faithful, and do not abuse their spouses. There are comorbid character issues--at the very least--at work in this particular case.

One study published in 1975 which is often cited in discussions about bipolar disorder and infidelity found that among people with bipolar disorder who were unfaithful, 29% of them cheated 10 or more times! Admittedly that study is dated, and I have questions about what conclusions can be drawn based on the screening methodology, (mostly in terms of comorbid pathology), but I think it serves as a useful check on expectations when dealing with somebody who has been diagnosed as bipolar and who is also cheating.

The marriage contract has been broken, the OP doesn't owe her anything. He's not her father, she's an adult, and the reward for tolerating the abuse is probably more abuse. He was supposed to be her partner. That's the vow they both took, that's what the legal contract states, but that's not what is happening.

She's a known bad risk. Thank goodness no children are involved. That might not be the case in episode #2 or #3, and then you have the joy of passing along possible FOO issues to children and possibly having a disordered freak messing with you for decades. Heck, if he had children, it might be a good idea to have them DNA tested to determine paternity

I don't understand why anybody would suggest somebody being abused attempt to reconcile with somebody whose actions are consistent with those of an unrepentant abuser..

It's doubling down on a bad investment. Sometimes, you have to know when it's time to cut your losses.

If your own son asked you, would you recommend he marry a woman he was dating if she behaved this way? Why or why not?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

If he does not get his head on straight I think his spouse is going to continue to make a chump out of him.

From his absence I fear that he has made sausage of his self-respect and his WW will be grilling it to serve on a bun with mustard and ketchup to some OM.


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