# Stuck in between choosing Husband or Sister



## Blackcatwoman (Feb 11, 2021)

Back story: For New Year's my husband's youngest sister (18yrs old) accompanied us and my family to celebrate. That night she told us when we got home that my SISTER'S FIANCE (29yrs old) was hitting on her multiple times that night and even made some questionably pedophile remarks like "you were so beautiful at 15yrs when I met you, too bad you weren't legal then", and so on. Of course this enraged my husband and I. We were disgusted and let my family and sister know of the incident the next day.
My husband demanded that my family never let my sister's Fiance back around the family, and was even worried for my sister's daughter (10yrs old) to be around the fiance after knowing he made pedophilic comments. My family fully supported us, but made it apparent that they would fully support my sister no matter what she decided to do with her fiance. Either stay with him or not.
My husband made it VERY CLEAR to me that I support him by never being around the family if sister's fiance was around and to make sure we never come near them or vice versa EVER AGAIN. I complied.

Fast forward to present day. My sister decided to stay with Fiance anyway and even decided to continue on getting married this year. My husband is STILL enraged and is now upset with my sister and family who have supported her decision because he feels betrayed that they "let him pass" for what he did. He at first said he doesn't have an issue with me seeing my sister, but, as a graphic designer, I helped design her wedding invitations and once he found that out he said he doesn't know how he could forgive me.

I saw it as helping my sister in that moment, not her fiance. He sees it as I am not supporting his side and that in fact I am fully enabling sister's fiance's behavior. We are waiting to speak to a therapist, but he believes I have completely betrayed him and he doesn't know if he can trust me any more. I am hurt and am trying to be there for my husband AND sister (I am very close to her) I thought I did enough by not being around the family if the fiance was there (found out he never liked the guy all along, either), but my husband said that justice was never served and that I'm not being a supportive wife.

I have no idea what to do and this has been an ulcer in our marriage. Please help.

UPDATE: Since posting this my husband reached out to his mother for advice and she has basically "talked him out of the tree". Speaking sense into him, he realized he was coming off extreme and then proceeded to apologize. We made up. We are definitely still on the same page about keeping my sister's fiance away from us because we don't like the guy. My sister knows this. My husband says he doesn't want to cause any issues between my family and I that could birth a wedge between us. We are still waiting on the counseling to further strengthen our process, but all in all we are on the same page. It is a shame that this is even a reality, but like someone posted below mentioned, my sister made her bed and she has to lie in it. We will be there for her and keep a close on the fkn creep she decided to stay with. Thank you all for your perspectives and advice!


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

If I was in your husbands position I think I would be pretty pissed off as well. Rugsweeping that level of creepiness would also put a strong wedge between me and that entire family. If my wife then pitched in on the wedding for this grade a douche we would have some words I would find it very disrespectful. Never being able to trust again is a little extreme it doesn't sound like you broke the rule he had set regarding the fiance, but I can understand him assuming his rule would automatically also apply to being involved with the wedding in any way. FYI your sister already made her choice between you and her fiance and you certainly didn't win.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

The fiance is a jerk and in no way do I defend him, but designing an invite doesn't enable his behavior.

I don't blame your H for hating the guy but he doesn't get to make you a weapon in his war.


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## Blackcatwoman (Feb 11, 2021)

happyhusband0005 said:


> If I was in your husbands position I think I would be pretty pissed off as well. Rugsweeping that level of creepiness would also put a strong wedge between me and that entire family. If my wife then pitched in on the wedding for this grade a douche we would have some words I would find it very disrespectful. Never being able to trust again is a little extreme it doesn't sound like you broke the rule he had set regarding the fiance, but I can understand him assuming his rule would automatically also apply to being involved with the wedding in any way. FYI your sister already made her choice between you and her fiance and you certainly didn't win.


Absolutely, I can see his perspective on how he found what I did to be disrespectful and I do feel horrible about it. I apologized, but of course, the deed was done and he thought it was the final straw. I am very close to her and don't know how to keep her in my life and also support my husband. He said if he could have it his way, the fiance would "disappear". What should I do?


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## Blackcatwoman (Feb 11, 2021)

SpinyNorman said:


> The fiance is a jerk and in no way do I defend him, but designing an invite doesn't enable his behavior.
> 
> I don't blame your H for hating the guy but he doesn't get to make you a weapon in his war.


Thank you for your perspective. I definitely feel like I am being made into his weapon. He says his justice is me never speaking to my sister ever again because she decided to stay with that creep. I just cannot NOT speak to my sister ever again. She's the closest family I have. I am stuck...


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Blackcatwoman said:


> Thank you for your perspective. I definitely feel like I am being made into his weapon. He says *his justice is me never speaking to my sister ever again *because she decided to stay with that creep. I just cannot NOT speak to my sister ever again. She's the closest family I have. I am stuck...


Nobody tells me who I'm allowed to be friends with, and I don't tell anybody else this. I don't understand people who do and I would tell him to **** off.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Situations like that are black and white to most men, no middle ground. But every man I know who has put their foot down about something like that experiences _what they see_ as people "going soft." Now, looking at this from the outside, I don't think you committed any serious error. As another poster put it, you aren't giving support to the behavior. Your husband needs to understand the practical limits of his anger...


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Blackcatwoman said:


> Thank you for your perspective. I definitely feel like I am being made into his weapon. He says his justice is me never speaking to my sister ever again because she decided to stay with that creep. I just cannot NOT speak to my sister ever again. She's the closest family I have. I am stuck...


You point out that this is controlling abusive behavior, and that lowers your trust in him. He may not intend it to be such but it is what it is. Her relationship to you isn't important. This could be your best friend instead. The question is whether or not you agree with her behavior. Personally, you being there for her now, also means that you will be available if she comes to her senses and leaves the alleged abuser. I was with a woman for 10 years who was emotionally abusive and probably was to our children as well, not to mention neglecting to a degree. But my best friends stayed with me and endured her (although if the situation was like yours they would never expose any children to the other person) so that they would be there when I finally woke up. It took a decade, but I did, and I'm glad they did.

To me, trying to define and control your relationships is as bad as your sister's fiancé. Both are extreme examples of abuse. I assume that save maybe the wedding, that you have made it clear to your sister that you don't want to be near the man. I am also assuming based on your writing, that this is your actual position and not one imposed upon you by your husband. And I find this good. The one exception I might make is if I know he and another will be around any of my younger family members. In such a case I would be next to his side at all times or next to the youngling's side if there was only one. I would not give him the chance to be alone with them.

And for the record, at age 15 for the girl, then he would be a hebephile not a pedophile. Pedophiles are attracted to pre-teens and younger.


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## Blackcatwoman (Feb 11, 2021)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Situations like that are black and white to most men, no middle ground. But every man I know who has put their foot down about something like that experiences _what they see_ as people "going soft." Now, looking at this from the outside, I don't think you committed any serious error. As another poster put it, you aren't giving support to the behavior. Your husband needs to understand the practical limits of his anger...


Omg, you hit the nail on the head about how men see it! He literally said something like "everyone being soft and disloyal". Thank you for your point of view. I felt like I was crazy for a moment, but I now see that he is going more into the extreme. I just don't know how to reel him out of it. He may not be able to if it's me trying to do it, if that makes sense...


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## Blackcatwoman (Feb 11, 2021)

maquiscat said:


> You point out that this is controlling abusive behavior, and that lowers your trust in him. He may not intend it to be such but it is what it is. Her relationship to you isn't important. This could be your best friend instead. The question is whether or not you agree with her behavior. Personally, you being there for her now, also means that you will be available if she comes to her senses and leaves the alleged abuser. I was with a woman for 10 years who was emotionally abusive and probably was to our children as well, not to mention neglecting to a degree. But my best friends stayed with me and endured her (although if the situation was like yours they would never expose any children to the other person) so that they would be there when I finally woke up. It took a decade, but I did, and I'm glad they did.
> 
> To me, trying to define and control your relationships is as bad as your sister's fiancé. Both are extreme examples of abuse. I assume that save maybe the wedding, that you have made it clear to your sister that you don't want to be near the man. I am also assuming based on your writing, that this is your actual position and not one imposed upon you by your husband. And I find this good. The one exception I might make is if I know he and another will be around any of my younger family members. In such a case I would be next to his side at all times or next to the youngling's side if there was only one. I would not give him the chance to be alone with them.
> 
> And for the record, at age 15 for the girl, then he would be a hebephile not a pedophile. Pedophiles are attracted to pre-teens and younger.


Thank you for the clarification on the hebephile!

Yes, so we definitely are in agreement that neither of us want to be around the fiance ever again, we both are on the same page about how we feel towards him. I also made it clear to my sister that I didn't want to be around him either, she knows and understands this. But we didn't want it to ruin our relationship. My husband just cannot fathom me being associated with her and cannot even look at me when thinking about it. He feels so strongly I have betrayed him and I don't know how to mend this. He can't see my point of view and whenever I try to explain my side, he thinks I am minimizing the issue at hand.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Blackcatwoman said:


> Thank you for the clarification on the hebephile!
> 
> Yes, so we definitely are in agreement that neither of us want to be around the fiance ever again, we both are on the same page about how we feel towards him. I also made it clear to my sister that I didn't want to be around him either, she knows and understands this. But we didn't want it to ruin our relationship. My husband just cannot fathom me being associated with her and cannot even look at me when thinking about it. He feels so strongly I have betrayed him and I don't know how to mend this. He can't see my point of view and whenever I try to explain my side, he thinks I am minimizing the issue at hand.


This is not up to you to mend this. You are not the one who is being controlling and abusive. Don't get me wrong. Your sister's fiancé is also in the wrong, assuming all you wrote is accurate. The therapist really is your best bet of resolving this. If he can't manage to listen to an impartial third party and will stick to his anger like that, you might be better off without. Love is indeed a strong force in a marriage, but it is not the only factor and a marriage cannot survive on love alone.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Blackcatwoman said:


> Omg, you hit the nail on the head about how men see it! He literally said something like "everyone being soft and disloyal". Thank you for your point of view. I felt like I was crazy for a moment, but I now see that he is going more into the extreme. I just don't know how to reel him out of it. He may not be able to if it's me trying to do it, if that makes sense...


His kid sister is in the mix so it's easy to understand his anger. He probably wants to pound this a**hole into the pavement. On the other hand your sister is in the mix too. Knowing how he feels for his sister I wonder if he'd accept his behavior coming from you if the roles were reversed?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

We had a situation in our family decades ago, that led to an eventual suicide. The person did not want her daughter to stay married to a particular creep, everybody else brushed her off, it led to some serious problems for many many children. She was right, and there were future victims and horrific things happened. And that person who spoke as loudly as your husband couldn’t carry the burden and eventually committed suicide, she tried so hard and felt too responsible.

So many of us wished she had left him.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Your husband is taking this a bit too far. Yeah the fiancé sounds like a creep but that doesn't mean you have to shut out your family or sister just because they didn't do what your husband wants. Way too controling...


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> His kid sister is in the mix so it's easy to understand his anger. He probably wants to pound this a**hole into the pavement. On the other hand your sister is in the mix too. Knowing how he feels for his sister I wonder if he'd accept his behavior coming from you if the roles were reversed?


He is also very much looking out for your sister. More than her own family. 

I’m sorry it had to be said.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

What is alarming to me is that your sister has a daughter quickly approaching the same age that your husband's sister was when the fiance started creeping on her. And no one other than your husband sees the issue with that enough to put their foot down? Seriously!?! It's one thing for your sister to choose to get involved with a creep. It's something else for her to endanger her own child with this guy.

I can see why your husband is upset about the invitations because it's endorsing their marriage in a way. He may even see it as passively enabling child abuse. The law doesn't really care if she's 10 or 15 when she's under the age of consent and it's not any less damaging to her just because she is post pubescent. Harping on whether it's pedophilia or hebephilia is missing the point - a kid is in danger of abuse.

Regardless, he does not have the right to demand that you stop talking to her and it would be more detrimental if you did. Your niece will need your support once this guy starts creeping on her. She will need people like you and your husband. You won't be able to help her if you cut off your sister.

What I will say though is that I personally would be extremely disappointed that my spouse was involved with and supportive of a marriage under these circumstances and it would cause some serious marital strife and a permanent dip in my respect for them. Again, entirely because of sister's daughter being involved and the high likelihood of her being abused while no one is advocating for her safety despite knowing it's wrong. You have some hard choices to make about how comfortable you will be if he ever makes a move on your niece knowing that you could have done more now to prevent that from happening.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Blackcatwoman said:


> Back story: For New Year's my husband's youngest sister (18yrs old) accompanied us and my family to celebrate. That night she told us when we got home that my SISTER'S FIANCE (29yrs old) was hitting on her multiple times that night and even made some questionably pedophile remarks like "you were so beautiful at 15yrs when I met you, too bad you weren't legal then", and so on. Of course this enraged my husband and I. We were disgusted and let my family and sister know of the incident the next day.
> My husband demanded that my family never let my sister's Fiance back around the family, and was even worried for my sister's daughter (10yrs old) to be around the fiance after knowing he made pedophilic comments. My family fully supported us, but made it apparent that they would fully support my sister no matter what she decided to do with her fiance. Either stay with him or not.
> My husband made it VERY CLEAR to me that I support him by never being around the family if sister's fiance was around and to make sure we never come near them or vice versa EVER AGAIN. I complied.
> 
> ...


I have to say the truth, I commend you for being brave enough to say something to your family and sister that this situation happened. I think you did the right thing. Most people would not say anything or cover it up so as 'not to start trouble'. 

I am in a similar situation as your husband. I have issues with a sister in law (husband's brother's wife) and, while his family knows what's up, they will not defend me in order to 'have peace in the family'. They could give a hoot about honesty or what's right. But anyway...I can appreciate that YOU did what you did. 

However, I don't think your husband can stop you from seeing your family or your sister if you so choose. I would DEFINITELY not be around the fiancee' ever. But it's hard to control what other people do (deciding to support your sister). You not seeing them isn't going to change anything. They've made their decision. In their mind (and I think it's wrong, but can sort of get it), they don't want to lose their daughter...maybe in their mind they realize she will need support cause her fiancee' is a douche.

I have a funny feeling your sister will wind up on this website sooner or later. How unfortunate that she does not heed this glaring red flag. But it's a bed of her own making, and unfortunately you and your husband care, and the advice of those who care the most is the one that almost never is taken. 

I wonder, did your sister tell you why she decided to go through with it? And what was her response when she found out about what her fiancee' did?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Husband's sister is 18. Not a minor. Heck, we have a poster here who started dating a woman who was 19 and he much older, and they are going to get engaged soon.

Yes the comment that she was "beautiful at 15" is gross, but expecting your wife to never speak to her sister again over this is extreme. 

I think you two should go to counseling for third party help.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Counseling is the only way you guys will figure something out here. It's unrealistic for him to expect you to cut your sister out. 

In his shoes I would never allow that dude around my family - and if he was attending a family event I would not attend, nor have my extended family attend, but I wouldn't stop you from going. I'd be like, so, how is your sister? I think the non-attendance by me and my extended family would send the proper message. 

But your H is going to have to come to this conclusion with help from a 3rd party. It can't be from you - or else he'll feel like he is "losing". 

And geez, you might want to talk to your sister about him. How can anyone know that and still marry him? What did he say when confronted?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

SpinyNorman said:


> Nobody tells me who I'm allowed to be friends with, and I don't tell anybody else this. I don't understand people who do and I would tell him to **** off.


I doubt you play around with pedophile like creeps either. This isn't that cut and dry.

It is very dangerous to allow this creep into the family and it is a knife edge balance to stay in a sister's life that is married to him.

There might be a way through this that isn't as cut and dry from the husband's perspective as well but I would seriously consider leaving my wife if she allowed a pedophile to be any way involved with her or our family.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> I doubt you play around with pedophile like creeps either.


Thank you, that is correct. I would not pal around w/ this guy nor allow him to be near a minor daughter(if I had one). But that's the end of my authority. Part of not being manipulated is not manipulating others.



> It is very dangerous to allow this creep into the family and it is a knife edge balance to stay in a sister's life that is married to him.
> 
> There might be a way through this that isn't as cut and dry from the husband's perspective as well but I would seriously consider leaving my wife if she allowed a pedophile to be any way involved with her or our family.


I don't see how the 2 sisters being in touch presents any danger to the H's house. It sounds more like he (understandably) doesn't like the guy and is just trying to (unjustifiably)conscript her into his war.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

SpinyNorman said:


> Thank you, that is correct. I would not pal around w/ this guy nor allow him to be near a minor daughter(if I had one). But that's the end of my authority. Part of not being manipulated is not manipulating others.
> 
> I don't see how the 2 sisters being in touch presents any danger to the H's house. It sounds more like he (understandably) doesn't like the guy and is just trying to (unjustifiably)conscript her into his war.


Keeping regular relations with a close relative married to a creep often allows the creep in as well.

I've seen it happen first hand.

I see both sides so I hope they can find a way through.

The creep needs kept away.


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## Blackcatwoman (Feb 11, 2021)

maquiscat said:


> This is not up to you to mend this. You are not the one who is being controlling and abusive. Don't get me wrong. Your sister's fiancé is also in the wrong, assuming all you wrote is accurate. The therapist really is your best bet of resolving this. If he can't manage to listen to an impartial third party and will stick to his anger like that, you might be better off without. Love is indeed a strong force in a marriage, but it is not the only factor and a marriage cannot survive on love alone.


Thank you for affirming this. I know this is such a muddy, messy situation that will need a lot of work in, but UPDATE! He spoke with his mom last night and she sort of talked him down the tree. He realizes he went pretty extreme (and I understand why) and he has apologized for being controlling in the manner of me not being able to see my sister. All in all, we still agree we don't ever want to see the fiance again because we hate the guy. But it seems like we're definitely on the same page now and will still be seeing a therapist soon. Thank God!


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## Blackcatwoman (Feb 11, 2021)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> His kid sister is in the mix so it's easy to understand his anger. He probably wants to pound this a**hole into the pavement. On the other hand your sister is in the mix too. Knowing how he feels for his sister I wonder if he'd accept his behavior coming from you if the roles were reversed?


I really wonder too! I think so...he is stubborn and loyal to a fault at times.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Blackcatwoman said:


> Thank you for affirming this. I know this is such a muddy, messy situation that will need a lot of work in, but UPDATE! He spoke with his mom last night and she sort of talked him down the tree. He realizes he went pretty extreme (and I understand why) and he has apologized for being controlling in the manner of me not being able to see my sister. All in all, we still agree we don't ever want to see the fiance again because we hate the guy. But it seems like we're definitely on the same page now and will still be seeing a therapist soon. Thank God!


You need to set a firm boundary with your sister.

Just because she enjoys the company of a creep, doesn't mean you or your family will tolerate it.


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## Blackcatwoman (Feb 11, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> We had a situation in our family decades ago, that led to an eventual suicide. The person did not want her daughter to stay married to a particular creep, everybody else brushed her off, it led to some serious problems for many many children. She was right, and there were future victims and horrific things happened. And that person who spoke as loudly as your husband couldn’t carry the burden and eventually committed suicide, she tried so hard and felt too responsible.
> 
> So many of us wished she had left him.


Jesus!! That is horrible and I am so sorry to hear that!! I can understand how such things escalate... that's the thing. I don't support my sister, I love her , but not her fiance and she knows this. So does my husband. However, my act of designing the invitations messed that up for me and now here we are. We do worry for my niece, but all we can do is keep a close eye and mention any BS that comes about because my sister still chose to be with her fiance...yuck.


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## Blackcatwoman (Feb 11, 2021)

bobert said:


> Your husband is taking this a bit too far. Yeah the fiancé sounds like a creep but that doesn't mean you have to shut out your family or sister just because they didn't do what your husband wants. Way too controling...


I do agree that it is controlling, but I understand it is his anger towards the guy and my husband's view of us which he thinks is forgiving the fiance for his actions. He did speak to his mom last night and knows now that isn't the way. We are both on the same page now, thank God. But we still do not support my sisters decision in continuing to stay with that creep.


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## Blackcatwoman (Feb 11, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> He is also very much looking out for your sister. More than her own family.
> 
> I’m sorry it had to be said.


Hey, I totally get it. And frankly, I agree. I was more thinking that no one would want the fiance around anymore, and honestly I know that's true. But what my family and I are making sure of is that my sister knows we are there for her and we aren't shutting HER out. She knows we could care less about her fiance.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Luckylucky said:


> He is also very much looking out for your sister. More than her own family.
> 
> I’m sorry it had to be said.


Maybe, but that would depend on whats best for the sister, the family backing off and losing contact, or having a connection and keeping a closer eye on this creep?


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## Blackcatwoman (Feb 11, 2021)

nekonamida said:


> What is alarming to me is that your sister has a daughter quickly approaching the same age that your husband's sister was when the fiance started creeping on her. And no one other than your husband sees the issue with that enough to put their foot down? Seriously!?! It's one thing for your sister to choose to get involved with a creep. It's something else for her to endanger her own child with this guy.
> 
> I can see why your husband is upset about the invitations because it's endorsing their marriage in a way. He may even see it as passively enabling child abuse. The law doesn't really care if she's 10 or 15 when she's under the age of consent and it's not any less damaging to her just because she is post pubescent. Harping on whether it's pedophilia or hebephilia is missing the point - a kid is in danger of abuse.
> 
> ...


YESSS!! I think more than anything that is our BIGGEST concern!! We sort of thought it strange when my sister didn't harp on that like we thought it would. I hate to say this, but when the pedophilic comments came to surface with my family, they couldn't fathom the fiance saying such things. My thoughts...IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK! Fiance has been in my sisters life for close to 8yrs off and on now. He has been around her daughter that long. My sister and her daughter's father (a diff man) HAVE spoken to their daughter about sexual abuse (everything under that umbrella term) for a while now because her father takes that seriously and so I am trying to make sense as to why my sister didn't think...I think truly my sister doesn't believe it would happen (God forbid) because they have educated their daughter so much that if it did, she would tell her first hand. I just don't know...
Husband and I both stand together against the a**hole no matter what.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Luckylucky said:


> We had a situation in our family decades ago, that led to an eventual suicide. The person did not want her daughter to stay married to a particular creep, everybody else brushed her off, it led to some serious problems for many many children. She was right, and there were future victims and horrific things happened. And that person who spoke as loudly as your husband couldn’t carry the burden and eventually committed suicide, she tried so hard and felt too responsible.
> 
> So many of us wished she had left him.


This is quite vague, but I doubt that avoiding the marriage would have reformed the child molestor. If you have reason to believe someone does these things, warn the parents you know and report anything illegal that comes to your attention.



Luckylucky said:


> He is also very much looking out for your sister. More than her own family.
> 
> I’m sorry it had to be said.


I would guess the sister is making a mistake, but she didn't ask me so I would butt out of her life.


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## Blackcatwoman (Feb 11, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> I have to say the truth, I commend you for being brave enough to say something to your family and sister that this situation happened. I think you did the right thing. Most people would not say anything or cover it up so as 'not to start trouble'.
> 
> I am in a similar situation as your husband. I have issues with a sister in law (husband's brother's wife) and, while his family knows what's up, they will not defend me in order to 'have peace in the family'. They could give a hoot about honesty or what's right. But anyway...I can appreciate that YOU did what you did.
> 
> ...


Thank you for saying so, we definitely were not going to stay quiet about it. There's just no way we weren't going to let them know what happened. My sister deserves the truth and yet yes...she still chose to stay with the creep.
When I let my sister know, me sister was bawling and outraged!!! She even called him up on the phone right in front of me to "let him have it". She spoke in such absolution I was convinced that this was the last straw and that she FOR SURE was going to leave him! She stayed with my mom the following few days to think straight and when she went back home to "talk it out" with him...the next thing I knew was that she decided to stay with him.
BTW, when her fiance was confronted, he denied it all. He said he would never say or do anything and tried to cover his a**. Disgusting jerk.
You are right, about the advice bit. We tried and have always been there for her when she has gone up and down with her fiance for years. We are tired of it, definitely hate the fiance, but she is my sister and that relationship i can't let whither.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

@SpinyNorman i have to be vague, police and courts eventually involved. Legal reasons.


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## Blackcatwoman (Feb 11, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Husband's sister is 18. Not a minor. Heck, we have a poster here who started dating a woman who was 19 and he much older, and they are going to get engaged soon.
> 
> Yes the comment that she was "beautiful at 15" is gross, but expecting your wife to never speak to her sister again over this is extreme.
> 
> I think you two should go to counseling for third party help.


We are still waiting for the counseling. Thankfully we have gotten on the same page since I posted this.


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## Blackcatwoman (Feb 11, 2021)

Gabriel said:


> Counseling is the only way you guys will figure something out here. It's unrealistic for him to expect you to cut your sister out.
> 
> In his shoes I would never allow that dude around my family - and if he was attending a family event I would not attend, nor have my extended family attend, but I wouldn't stop you from going. I'd be like, so, how is your sister? I think the non-attendance by me and my extended family would send the proper message.
> 
> ...


Definitely! I understand his position, I do. What was tough was that I was caught in the middle between my sister and husband and didn't know how to properly be there for either of them in this crazy situation. 
All in all, we are both on the same page now since I made this post. He realized he was being extreme but we still agree we won't be around the fiance ever again. I could care less about the guy. What a disgusting douche.

And if I had a penny for every time I spoke with my sister about her fiance....phew! She knows how we feel about him and that she deserves better. She is all hippie and spiritual with him and thinks that he has changed. When the guy was confronted he denied it all, of course, and tried to cover his own a**.


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## Blackcatwoman (Feb 11, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> You need to set a firm boundary with your sister.
> 
> Just because she enjoys the company of a creep, doesn't mean you or your family will tolerate it.


Absolutely! And we did this one day 1. She knows we don't want him around ever again and don't want to be around if he is. My family is more supporting however...for her sake so that she doesn't distance herself.


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## Blackcatwoman (Feb 11, 2021)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Maybe, but that would depend on whats best for the sister, the family backing off and losing contact, or having a connection and keeping a closer eye on this creep?


YOU HIT IT! EXACTLY RIGHT! Our family ultimately chose the latter. Unfortunately we tried the 1st option out years ago and she distanced herself (she was with some other jerk- pretty bad track record she's got) and that didn't end well. So we decided stay close and keep and eye out, just as you said.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Luckylucky said:


> @SpinyNorman i have to be vague, police and courts eventually involved. Legal reasons.


Understandable, don't make legal trouble for yourself. But it isn't clear how applicable the two situations are.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

Blackcatwoman said:


> YESSS!! I think more than anything that is our BIGGEST concern!! We sort of thought it strange when my sister didn't harp on that like we thought it would. I hate to say this, but when the pedophilic comments came to surface with my family, they couldn't fathom the fiance saying such things. My thoughts...IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK! Fiance has been in my sisters life for close to 8yrs off and on now. He has been around her daughter that long. My sister and her daughter's father (a diff man) HAVE spoken to their daughter about sexual abuse (everything under that umbrella term) for a while now because her father takes that seriously and so I am trying to make sense as to why my sister didn't think...I think truly my sister doesn't believe it would happen (God forbid) because they have educated their daughter so much that if it did, she would tell her first hand. I just don't know...
> Husband and I both stand together against the a**hole no matter what.


I'm very relieved to hear this. Please tell niece's father about what the fiance did if you have not already and talk about your concerns. It's unlikely that niece will tell your sister first if and when it happens but she probably will tell her dad given he's been involved. 

It's terrible that it has come down to this and that you can't do anything to stop the marriage but at least ev everyone is aware, talking, and on the lookout. Statistically speaking, this is a high risk situation and your sister, despite educating your niece, may not have her best interests at heart when the time comes if she is already defending him and denying the possibility.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

SpinyNorman said:


> This is quite vague, but I doubt that avoiding the marriage would have reformed the child molestor. If you have reason to believe someone does these things, warn the parents you know and report anything illegal that comes to your attention.


It's not about reforming the offender because research shows that reforming is difficult and unlikely. It's about not bringing any kids within 500 ft of the offender and putting anyone with children on alert. I think it's pretty clear from Lucky's post that precautions were not taken, concerns were denied and rugswept, and victims suffered. Lucky's family member may have even been "helping" the offender by bringing more access to children and covering up for them. Unfortunately that is common behavior and people who do that will always fall back on how they "didn't know" despite having been seen observing the abuse first hand and bringing children to a remote/private place to be left alone with the offender.

Even with reporting, justice can be slow and difficult. Especially if there's a group of family members to vouch for the offender and let their own kids around them. Then you're just working with hear say which isn't enough. It's not hard to avoid detection for long periods of time when all they have on you is one or a few people's word without any evidence.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

nekonamida said:


> It's not about reforming the offender because research shows that reforming is difficult and unlikely. It's about not bringing any kids within 500 ft of the offender and putting anyone with children on alert. I think it's pretty clear from Lucky's post that precautions were not taken, concerns were denied and rugswept, and victims suffered. Lucky's family member may have even been "helping" the offender by bringing more access to children and covering up for them. Unfortunately that is common behavior and people who do that will always fall back on how they "didn't know" despite having been seen observing the abuse first hand and bringing children to a remote/private place to be left alone with the offender.
> 
> Even with reporting, justice can be slow and difficult. Especially if there's a group of family members to vouch for the offender and let their own kids around them. Then you're just working with hear say which isn't enough. It's not hard to avoid detection for long periods of time when all they have on you is one or a few people's word without any evidence.


I agree w/ most of this, though some of @Luckylucky 's situation isn't completely clear. But OP maintaining a relationship w/ her sister isn't the same as leaving minors alone w/ a suspected offender and I did recommend warning parents of minors who know the fiance.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I will let you know from my experience, your family will poison your relationship with your husband. You will allow this by not standing by his side on this. Your sister married a pedophile and you supported it with your actions. He actually went after his sister yet you still was part of their wedding. Your sister chose to marry a pedophile. Damn, that is sick.

Is it really a question of who to choose?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You do realize birds of the feather flock together. Your sister is condoning her fiancés actions and behavior. She is staying with this creep and is putting her own daughter in danger possibly.

Your reaction is to design the wedding invites. WTF


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## Akeath (Mar 9, 2017)

Right now everyone is wringing their hands to varying degrees, and that isn't really going to help anything, just make yourselves feel less to blame if something happens.

If you haven't already, you should be able to easily look him up and see if he's on the sex offender registry. If he is or if he's not allowed around kids then you need tot take steps to protect your niece, up to calling cps to keep him away from her. You should also get a back ground check done (you don't have to tell anyone about this unless you find something) to see if he's had any accusations or court appearances that are related to this issue. Get it done before the wedding. You need to find out if this was a stray comment or if he's had a pattern of sexually abusing others. If you don't find anything, great. If you do, then that is information that your sister needs to know about before getting married, and that anyone else in the family with kids also needs to be aware of so they can protect them.

You should also talk to the counselor about warning signs of abuse to look out for with your niece and other children and how best to support your niece and sister and be a safe haven if they need one.

Hopefully if your husband sees that you are being responsible and taking his concerns seriously he will feel more heard. You can still be close with your sister - but at the same time you need to keep an eye on the situation and know enough to tell if you are seeing signs that something really bad is happening so you can stop it if it comes to that. For whatever reason your sister isn't putting your niece's well being foremost here. Niece can't take care of herself, so she desperately needs someone present in the family to look out for her.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Blackcatwoman said:


> BTW, when her fiance was confronted, he denied it all. He said he would never say or do anything and tried to cover his a**. Disgusting jerk.
> You are right, about the advice bit. We tried and have always been there for her when she has gone up and down with her fiance for years. We are tired of it, definitely hate the fiance, but she is my sister and that relationship i can't let whither.


So, he has no remorse, she bought it, and has had problems with him for years? So many red flags ignored. She'll be on this site soon enough, asking "why did I marry him when I knew". It's amazing what insecurity will make you settle for.


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