# Anxiety in social situations when I am with my wife and there are other men



## 888n (Jan 13, 2014)

So much so that I try to avoid going to events where my wife can interact with other men. Its so bad that i get anxious at walmart or while sitting in a car with my wife in traffic.

I trust my wife, but I can't get over the feelings, even if I can control them, it makes it hard for me to have a good time.
It can be any man (non-family) really, I always have to convince myself that its OK and nothing will come of it. I should not have to do that every single time. Because I know this logically, and they are only talking about the groceries.

We spoke to a therapist and she described it as hyper vigilance, the wikipedia article describes it very well : Hypervigilance - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I love my wife, we've been together 4 years and have 2 kids, and I want to fix this part of me so that we can have a a better life together. I completely trust her. 

I think a part of it has to do with the fact I was raised in a closed society, where the men do all the talking. Trust me that is not what this is about, I believe in equal rights and that my wife is doing everything right. 

Another thing that could be causing all this is the fact that 4 years ago, right before we got married, my father died at 60, which is also when I found out that my mother had an affair for 15 years, which my father was aware of the whole time.

I will be seeing a psychologist this week to find a medication plan.

Anyone else experience anything like this? Have you used meds to alleviate the anxiety?

Will appreciate any kind words.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Hi, 

That you took action to come and post here is the first sign of a change for the good in your life, congrats on that.

First I would advise to take all the advice with an open mind, you will need to act on things, to your choice, that may go against all you have believed about yourself, about reality untill now.

Do not question these possible changes rational, because your thinking is probably flawed. Just try out for some time things, and see what works and what does not. Keep what works and then try some other things, and keep repeating the process.

You will get what you want out of life after some time, and after a lot of work. It maybe hard, but you can do it.


Second, I would say you could do some weightlifting, and running a couple of times a week. The best life changers I know because they are non-threatening superchargers of your energy and self image that work without question. You need to flip a switch to start doing it. It is a choice. 

If it is in your line, you could also take up a martial art that builds your confidence. The physical contact with others will learn you how to be more confident in your emotional/mental attitude towards other men AND women.

Now, if you take this medicine without questioning, I am sure you will be OK. Not only for this problem you see here, but for the rest of your life!


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Are you worried that other men will make a move on your wife? If so, is it because you don't trust her...or would you be afraid to confront them?


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

hyper vigilance, heightened awarness they mean the same.

Your flight or fight programme is kicking in. Anxiety of this type (which is what it is) is frequaently caused by a situation in your life that has caused you to thin the issue through and to ascertain how it should or could be handled. IN many situations people with these traits will see the issue (starting the problem) then, in their conscious and thenn in their sub-conscious they will run the issue throiugh and ook at what happened, even if they dont have al the facts, why it happened and then they will try and seek a resolution, a plan to stop it. 
It actually doesnt matter that the pissues was not directly yours your brain didnt like what it saw, heard or felt and now seeks to protect. 

To explain simpely; When you have a fright i.e. driving and you take a coner to fast and lose control for a moment when youve recovered control of the car you stomach wil turn over and youll feel sick and shakened. This is the adrenaline firing upi the reaction process of your body and brain - to survive.
Net time you hit that corner your brain will make you aware that the last time you have a fright-fight situation. Youll adjust your driving to make the turn safer. It might be several times that this occurs but then the brain agress the threat is now over.

In your situation it might be that the issue of your mother, the shock that this woman you place on a pedestal has in fact broken the trust and vision you had of her. Your brain now starts to see the issue as a threat, even though its passed it actually current in your knowledge. You now see any approach o your wife in that manner, a threat. Yes you trust her, but you dont trust the guys, then the flight or fight mode switches on. You run a number of contingencies through your heard, even in a sub-conscious manner. What if they do this, that or the other. You are watching for that corner where you needed to take action to stop a crash.

When these events hit there is a trick that can be used. Redirect your thought process. It takes practice and does work with some time to keep the practice going. Youll need to focus full on the here and now, consider listening fully to the sound of your breath in and out, try and block out any distraction, just focus on the breath. This, with practice will help ease the defense mode your seeing.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

OP, if you are still reading, maybe check this out:

DailyOM - Overcoming Jealousy by Mali Apple & Joe Dunn


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

888n said:


> Its so bad that i get anxious at walmart or while sitting in a car with my wife in traffic.


That is low self esteem. Has nothing to do with her. It's your fear that you won't pass the muster if she compares you to someone else. THAT is what you need the therapy for.



888n said:


> I think a part of it has to do with the fact I was raised in a closed society, where the men do all the talking.


This meant that you grew up not HAVING to trust a woman to have good judgment, as she had no rights. So you never had to be in a situation where the woman was an equal. Do you practice doing that now?


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

888n said:


> So much so that I try to avoid going to events where my wife can interact with other men. Its so bad that i get anxious at walmart or while sitting in a car with my wife in traffic.
> 
> I trust my wife, but I can't get over the feelings, even if I can control them, it makes it hard for me to have a good time.
> It can be any man (non-family) really, I always have to convince myself that its OK and nothing will come of it. I should not have to do that every single time. Because I know this logically, and they are only talking about the groceries.
> ...


Hypervigilance is common on the part of someone who has recently uncovered an infidelity by his/her SO. You don't indicate that this has happened to you directly--perhaps you have internalized your father's position?


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