# Will it ever feel the same again?



## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Yeah, I know it's Christmas. What a time to be dealing with infidelity, regardless of which side of the equation you're on. 

With everything going on this time of year, the busy-ness, the family stuff, the affair memories, the divorcing or reconciling, the kids, the wave of feelings that just hits this time of year, well, it's hard.

I want to feel "normal" again, even though I know that there will be a new normal, and yes, the old normal was obviously not working. Perhaps I hang onto the past, the way that worked for me for so long, too much.

How are you handling the holidays? If you just want to vent here, let's go. Let's commiserate.

Merry Christmas, everybody.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I haven't really gotten my 'holiday spirit' back since he cheated. This is our third Christmas reconciling. The first one was mindbogglingly difficult. Last year was a bit better, and this year a bit more. On a scale of one to ten, with ten being how 'into' Christmas I was before and 0 being the first year afterwards (2010), I would say this year is about a 3 or 4.

I figure that once we have grandkids it'll get better. There's something about having little kids around for the holidays. In the meantime I am just staying low key


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Hey Hope and Hope 
I know what you guys mean,this time last year my wife was fully into her EA with that loser.I knew it just kept telling my self it wasnt true,not possible.
I've always sent out the Chritmas cards,last year none,ditto this year.Just not into it.
The Holidays are especially hard right now,stayed home alone last year.
Almost eleven months into R and it still hurts,even with a truely remorseful wife who's 100% in.
Hang in there,it will all get better,things could be much worse.
Lets give ourselfs the gift of a brighter future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

life changes. I try to focus on the moment and what there is right now. If I dwell too much on the past or future I will short change the here and now.


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## gdtm0111 (Oct 15, 2012)

A week ago I would have told you I was returning all her gifts (her affair was 2 months ago). Since she never told her parents (yes I should have exposed), I had a plan to go along with tonight's plans, then after dinner I was gonna drop the news. I was furious!

For my 4 year old sons sake, I kept my mouth shut last week. I didn't want his Christmas ruined by our issues. Now things seem ok again - they go back and forth.

Ok I think I've vented enough. Thank you


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hardly seems like Christmas. I'm just going through mostions here. Not really doing any decorating. We are only putting up the tree. My sons always do that. 

By next year things should be very different.. don't know what it will be like but it will be different. He should be gone by then.


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## MysticMouse (Dec 17, 2012)

I think we are all going to have to get used to a new normal.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Hardly seems like Christmas. I'm just going through motions here. Not really doing any decorating. We are only putting up the tree. My sons always do that.
> 
> By next year things should be very different.. don't know what it will be like but it will be different. He should be gone by then.


He is there with you now? 

You used to have a lot of details in your profile, but they're not there anymore. Cant remember your whole situation. Sorry.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Spending time with my parents helps, they hated him (for good reason) so we seldom went there. It's nice to visit my parents home without the embarassment of the way he acts. "
He wants me to the house for Christmas eve and day, I will go for the day only. It's too painful to do both. That house has so many horrible memories. And I can spend time with the kids at other places and times.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

MysticMouse said:


> I think we are all going to have to get used to a new normal.


Definitely. I actually like most of my new normal. The holidays are just one residual thing that is just kind of the way things are now.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

First Christmas since separating. The odd thing is, Christmas has always been a big thing with me, whereas my wife got into it, but it wasn't a big tradition for her. So when we split, there was no question that I would have Christmas (with the kids). My wife freely offered this without me asking. Here's the odd thing - my wife, for the past 3 weeks has been asking to have the kids for some portion of Christmas (even though she is taking them on a vacation Dec 31 and over New Years and even though she had them for the week ending yesterday). I had to say no. But the kids want to see her, so she is coming over for dinner tonight (she is going to cook something - that is how badly she wants to see the kids on Christmas Eve).

We're not a religious family, so Christmas is more about getting together and family vs the religious significance. I have been realizing that it was usually me who got the decorations up, stayed up late to watch Christmas movies/specials with my girls, bought the presents, got excited about the hiding/wrapping (usually wrap them up in some funny way), got excited with the kids about Christmas/Christmas dinner (I'm hosting it at my house with Grandparents and Aunts, Uncles, cousins). That's the fun! So this Christmas hasn't felt very different even though my wife isnt involved, which is sad in a way. I still miss my memories of my wife but this holiday season feels pretty good to me. Of course, next year my ex-wife will probably insist that it is her turn to have the kids, which will be a lot tougher.

And New Years will be different without the family. Yeah - that will probably suck...


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Definitely. I actually like most of my new normal. The holidays are just one residual thing that is just kind of the way things are now.


I understand that Hope,really do.
Its sad that I'm looking forword to the holidays to hurry up and get over with.
I do believe things will get better.
God,this stuff just sticks in my head.
I also know that there is no where but up,has to be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jet (Aug 25, 2012)

1st xmas since dday....
I am just very very sad. As hard as I try to keep focused on the present, my mind drags me into the past.
I need to keep telling myself I am a great father and my kids are wonderful.

Jet


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

It does get better man. A new normal. She already got used to a new normal, right? She didn't die.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Jet said:


> I need to keep telling myself I am a great father and my kids are wonderful.
> 
> Jet


That is key. Build new memories with the kids and make the best of it.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

calvin said:


> I understand that Hope,really do.
> Its sad that I'm looking forword to the holidays to hurry up and get over with.
> I do believe things will get better.
> God,this stuff just sticks in my head.
> ...


When you count your blessings, Cal, count one of them as not knowing that there will be snow for the next 3 months. Maybe 4.

Amen to the holidays being over. Nowhere but up, my friend.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Hope Springs Eternal said:


> When you count your blessings, Cal, count one of them as not knowing that there will be snow for the next 3 months. Maybe 4.
> 
> Amen to the holidays being over. Nowhere but up, my friend.


Very true man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

For the first time in my life I'm pretty much just doing what I want and seeing the people I want to. 

There will be a veil of disgustingness over everything thats left, of course, but Xmas is coming down to being just another day. November through January is considered a cursed time anyway because that seems to be when my relatives kick the bucket from causes natural and unnatural, with sundry other unpleasantries visited upon us- so no surprises there. 

I'm still really pissed about Halloween, my all-time favorite holiday since I was a kid. Saw my WWs OM that day, and found out about two weeks later she was getting laid by him at the time. 



Good news is my son is almost three, he should be pretty excited to tear up some wrapping paper tomorrow morning. It's a fun age for holidays.


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

Second Xmas since DDay. I have to put something together for the grand kids it is not their issues here it is their Xmas. This year is worst than last, I am more aware more depressed and grieving still. The crying is still everyday, every night as even more issues of lies and broken promises come up. 
No there will never be the old marriage, that contract is broken, null and void. As with any businesses there will be consequences he just don't know the extent of them yet. (Neither do I but they will hit him where it hurts the most, the pocket book) Seems to think he can buy his way out with all the gifts I have been getting and still act the same, talk at me the same have all his little mood swings that upset the house. Walking on eggshells, personal verbal attacks when he's mad just to apologize later as he didn't mean it. We have been in counseling separately, his PC had nothing to say about what he needs to do to change, what a waste of time. My PC (personal counselor offers ideas to help him. Make excuses for his reactions to life.) I'm sick of the excuses it's all written in black and white how can u not know what the boundaries are? Wow I have so much anger in me, it even goes back before we were married. The things I did out of respect for him yet created hardship for me just so he would feel secure. What a crock! and the list goes on. It is all coming back. I never thought about all those things before I just took them to be what u do for someone you love but now if he can do this after I went through all that. Oh heck no. He don't want the divorce now that he wanted then but I think he should have it. Merry Xmas everyone hope u have a safe bright New Year


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

The magic of Christmas returns whe you immerse yourself in it for the kids, then grand kids.

It does get better. It does come back.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

2 months since the D-day, and a month and half since my discovery of STBXW's EA (most likely PA). We were living apart due to career reasons and now I am back to the city where we lived (she still lives here), dated, and got married. It's sad, depressing, and scary.
I am just trying to take each day as it comes and when I go to sleep I think of the whole day and tell myself that this is as good as it gets. I have been lowering my expectations from others for quite some time, and now it is at an all time low. My goal is to have zero expectations from everyone else but myself and in that way anything I get from anyone, even if it is just a smile, will be a gift.
I have also noticed something else. I now smile more than I ever did. May be I am just trying to hide my pain unconsciously and creating a protective wall around myself, but that's what it is. I have become a lot nicer, more laid back, and don't trust people anymore the moment I meet them. I was so naive (I will be 30 next year!) for such a long time, and may be I still am, but at least I got rid of the rose-tinted glasses.
It will definitely get better, one way or the other. The only question is when. And I know the answer- as soon as I unshackle myself from all those memories which were nothing but mirages.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

I am struggling too. My WH wanted to spend Xmas with me and try to rebuild, but on Xmas morning, I woke up steaming mad at all his cheating, lies, prostitutes, sex forums, we had an argument and we went to different houses for Xmas. It's been 4 months since Dday. Absolutely horrible year. I can't wait for 2012 to end. I'm thinking about filing for divorce tomorrow morning... I printed out all the forms and signed them tonight. I guess I'll wake up and see how I feel toorrow.


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