# I came to terms with separation now she is showing slight signs of affection



## bippy17 (Mar 20, 2012)

Hi Everyone,

After going through alot with my wife and hearing the "I love you but not in love speech" (every guy has to love that one), I've been laying low for the past few months getting settled in my new apt (moved in Mid May), getting my 7 yr old son in a routine to get used to the separation (seeing him 2-3 times a week), learning how to act with my wife both in her presense and over the phone, but I'm back with something I wanted to share with this group in hopes of getting some feedback (as I know this group is the best on advice and next steps 

To make a long story short, I overcame alot to get to a point of realizing my wife checked out. For a long time I was rejected and needed to move on which is why I got my own place and removed myself from a bad situation. 

Now that things have settled down and she, my son and I are more into a separation routine something weird happened on the 4th that shocked the sh^t out of me. She invited me over to spend the day with them at the pool, we had a good day then invited me over for dinner. Back at the house, while my son was in another room, my wife asked me into the kitchen to taste test dinner, when I went into the kitchen she immedietly put the food down and hugged and kissed me like a scene out of a romance movie. Kissed and cried as she hugged me passionetly. I was in shock but went with it and secretly loved it (not going to lie). I was thrown for a loop that you could never imagine since I was very close to 100% relaizing she was over me. Anyway, throughout the night (while watchin the fireworks) she layed next to me resting her head on my shoulder, etc. Similar stuff went on this past Saturday at the house yet again. Flirting and joking with me, etc. We have not spoken one bit about why and how her feelings may have changed (I didn't want to ruin it or make her feel like she was being pressured or possible hear a let down that maybe it was just a thing in the heat of the moment). *Does absense really make the heart grow fonder?? Is that whats happening? Is she seeing me now moving on and it scares her?* BTW, I have not (since day 1) text or call or pest her. 

I feel I am getting pulled back in and scared to death knowing it took so much to get to this point only to now see her feelings come out (a little bit) that she hasn't shown in a very long time. My theripist said to go with it and do not say a word, let her initiate and see where it goes (one day at a time). Don't allow yourself to weaken, don't allow yourself to become too available all the time she calls or calls the next shot, be nice but do not show your whole hand that your dying to get back (even though you may feel that way). She invited me tomorrow for my birthday to have dinner with her and my son.

So thats my update/story, I'm am confused as hell , hope you guys can give me some advice on how to proceed going forward, how to be cautious and how to win her back once and for all. :scratchhead:

Bippy


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

The optimist in me thinks that maybe she is figuring out what she's missing, the pessimist wonders if her exit plan did not work out so she's pushing Plan B (you) with all she's got.

I'd say keep doing what you're doing, as it seems to be working.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

A personality trait often seen in adults who grew up in a chaotic household is "wanting what one doesn't have, not wanting what one has"

Looks like your wife didn't want you when she had you but now that she doesn't have you, the want returns.


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## bippy17 (Mar 20, 2012)

Thank you guys for the replies (means alot). I think there definetly is a little bit (tiny tiny bit) of her missing me (not completly sold yet) but I am so cautious since she really hurt me and my manhood with the "I Luv U but not in Luv" speech. As it would any guy. 

I'm not goint to lie, I loved the flirting (while she was doing it) and kidding around with her right back since it was a nice change to see her do that. However my "Eye of the tiger" side (No lie - I use the Rocky movies to be inspired and be tough through this  says "Be cafeful, be very careful - she wants to know that she still has you waiting in the wings". 

I think all of this goes back to what I learned on THIS WEBSITE (luv this place) months ago when I first came on in that you have to move on for YOU not for her and yes your moving on not to win her back, but to mentally fix things for yourself going forward. However, in doing those things, I think the confidence you follow exudes you and others see that and want to be a part of that and maybe in my case that is whats working. *Is my head thinking right??*

Bippy


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

bippy17 said:


> mentally fix things for yourself going forward. However, in doing those things, I think the confidence you follow exudes you and others see that and want to be a part of that and maybe in my case that is whats working


You are the only person you have any control over. People with self control are widely admired


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## bippy17 (Mar 20, 2012)

I agree so thanks!

One thing I also want to mention is that she has displayed these feelings (just a kiss and leaning on my shoulder) in front of my 7 yr old son who has had a really tough time with the separation (wants us together). During the entire separation she has been very cautious about not giving him any false hope up to this point and just validates his feelings. So for her to display these acts of affection in front of him is a change. Will it continue I have no idea. Maybe the past two times has just been 2 good days and in the heat of the moment. I have no idea what to expect going forward. Maybe I'm just over thinking it all and need to take a deep breath and let things just happen naturally and slowly. No idea.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

bippy,

I think you're doing great and your therapist is right on.

While I would go over for the Bday dinner, I think the next time she calls and invites you for something you decline and tell her "Sorry, I can't. I already have plans" and make sure you go out at that time (even if just to a movies or a friends)

Like you, I would be VERY wary of not in love with you one minute and then flirty with you the next.

Could be as simple as she's lonely or as sneaky as "Let's see if he'll come when I call" so that she knows your still a good fall back option.

Have you started to go out with anyone socially at least? What about friends? What has she been up to since the separation and did the two of you agree on any boundaries regarding dating others?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

The affection she displays is not the same if you were actually there. People get on each other's nerves, don't meet the other's needs, etc... So the short time you two are together is different than when you were living together and will probably be different if you get back together.

And displaying affection in front of your son is a good thing as long as it doesn't set the unrealistic impression that you two will get back together.

Why did you leave to begin with? Have the issues that caused that changed at all?


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## bippy17 (Mar 20, 2012)

Thanks Toffer and Chris. I agree to make myself "busy" next time I get an invite (if that happens again as she is very unpredictable and does not show her feelings at all even if at the very few times she may be weak). I have no clue whether she has seen anyone since separation and no we have not spoken about the dating thing at all. It seems like nothing has occured on that front but I put nothing past anyone at anytime. So who knows. We left off on that topic months ago saying that if that becomes an issue (where we wanted to date someone) then we would discuss it but she or I never brought it up again. I on the other hand (being the rejected one and pushed aside cause she "lost the feeling") have met a few woman for coffee, spoke to many on the phone and one was a complete stalker. I continue to talk with a few and keep the lines of communication open, keep myself busy and not sit around waiting for her to "Invite me over" again. All this based on my therapist suggestions. 

At the end of the day, I want to be back home with my wife and kid, but not at the expense of just because she missed me a little bit for a day here and there. I am in my apt until the end of Nov (took a 6 month lease) and not going anywhere even if anything miraculously changes for the better. I do not want to be someone's fall back option, I agree.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

I quickly read some of your other posts. It does look like you're her fallback. She went exploring.

Make sure she gets STD tested before you two get back together, if that's what you want.

Also, what's to prevent/stop her from repeating her actions in the future? What has she done to show that she knows the cause and is working hard to solve her issues?

If she learned anything, it is the next time she'll be more prepared.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Grass wasn't greener?


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## bippy17 (Mar 20, 2012)

Update: I confronted her about the "Kiss" we had on the 4th of July. I tried to just let it go but it was messing with my head and I needed answers as to why she did it. I figured the sooner I found out "where we stand" (what is going on in her head) the sooner I would understand where it all came from. 

So, this past Friday night, I dropped my son off back home after having dinner with him. When I went into the house (seeing her and wanted to touch her), I went over and kissed her (could not help myself), the lips tell everything as I sensed the kiss was not with the same passion as the 4th of July kiss. This made me want to know more what was going on.

She said the 4th of july kiss was just something she wanted to do after having spending a nice day with me. Thats all. Something she felt like doing at the time and nothing more. Her feelings are still the same and if she could flip a switch to get the feeling back she would (said it would be a hell of alot easier). Ughh, immedietly the feeling of rejection was happening all over again for me. I wanted to kick myself for allowing myself to be weak and let her play with my emotions all over again. All of this just for a 10 second make-out session in the kitchen. 

I put in too much work up to this point for her to pull me back in again and then just blow it off like "My feelings are the same and the kiss was just in the heat of the moment thing". 

Also, she said she missed "hanging out with me". What a joke. I said "I'm not a hang out guy" I'm your husband and I am not waiting for you anymore. She said she understood. Basically telling me go do what you have to do. 

So, there you have it, she did this even though not thinking it would mess with my head and then have my 7 yr old son see us being affectionate and giving him false hope that we could be moving in the right direction. I guess im the idiot for being pulled in not reminding myself that she is all messed up in the head.

After speaking with my therapist yesterday, where my therapist said she needs to miss you and initiate anything going forward. I'm like yeah what "when she is good and ready?" What am I supposed to do let her initiate and then say it was just in the heat of the moment? Unreal. Things should not be this hard - haha. Anyway, my wife doesnot love me anymore the way a wife should a husband. I learned she is my son's mother and thats it. I cannot allow myself to become weak in front of her. I'm the idiot but will forgive myself and hopefully learn from this mistake. 

I am going back to what worked in the past (right back to the beginning) which is making it all about me and my son. Not putting anymore stock into anything she says or does. Continuing to work on what I want to do and not wasting my energy on trying to figure out what she is thinking or where she is. It doesn't work and not going to bring her back any time soon or ever for that matter.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sorry man, I was afraid of that.

Go hard 180 on her and just spend time with your son now. Go completely dark. No calls, no texts, no eamils unless they are about your son. No more time with the 3 of you "acting" like a family. Right now you're not.

You may also want to take the bull by the horns and file. Seems this one's done.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Agree with Toffer. You need to do the 180 and take the bull by the horns.

She is using you as her support, the "Nice Guy" if you get to independent of her she will try to drag you back because she knows you are emotionally invested in the family whereas she wants to keep you around as the FAIL SAFE.

Sorry, don't put any hope into a future with her.

Be a Good Father, file for Divorce who wants to be treated as the fallback.

Good Luck


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