# The inevitable failure



## chiron635 (Oct 27, 2009)

Good morning,

For the longest time, even prior to my marriage, my wife and I have had difficulty communicating effectively. This has been a polarizing aspect of our marriage as it has prevented us from resolving critical issues that have arisen (ie. pls. see my other posts re: inlaws). Our marriage (15 years) has been undermined by ultimatums, false pretenses, denial, singular perspectives and ridiculous arguments that been presented to me in response to issues that I’ve tried to address. A key element to this is has been the lack of support from my wife in trying to collaboratively address and resolve issues, and move on to happier matters. This has included addressing her parents and their controlling, disrespectful behavior towards me, us, and our family. To that point, she recently admitted to reinforcing their negative view of me (which I’m sure they’ve done with her.

There has been long-standing allegation and accusation that I was the catalyst to all of this, however, proof to the contrary came to light when all hell broke loose at the in-laws recently, and the true colours of others were revealed and they could be seen for who they really are. It was very unfortunate this happened, but on the other hand, it pulled the wool away from the eyes of many who have cited me.

Despite all of this, there’s been little effort, other than my own, to try and address/resolve all of this, and restore happiness and harmony within the marriage, family and extended family. Wife doesn’t see that there are problems as her family is content to carry on as though nothing has happened. This has only served to worsen matters, allowing unresolved critical issues to fester unabated. Her response is that there are no problems, and that if I have any, I should fix them. This is exceedingly difficult as it is her attitude/belief that is a pivotal problem. Furthermore, with her being disingenuous with the parents about me, I can’t depend on her being supporting in dealing with them (and she’s not willing to address them directly on our behalf).

Her parents have confirmed their lack of respect for me, and justified this in part by suggesting that I have no self respect. They may be right in the context that no self-respecting person would have continued to subject themselves to, or surround themselves with people who have little or no regard for someone else. It’s tragic that I mean the least to the people who mean the most to me and my family.

This morning, it finally came to a head. She is separating stating that she can’t take it anymore. I’m not taking any steps to stop her as I feel the same way. Obviously, we’re at a critical impasse. I don’t see how this can be resolved other than to separate and part ways. She has long been unwilling to heed what I have to say, to the point of admitting that she doesn’t like it when I’m right about something (I’m sure this has spurred some of the response from her parents). Even when she’s able to acknowledge that something is a problem and that it needs to be addressed, the process halts at that point. There is no further action to deal with it, and make it right. Hell, for the longest time, she refused to acknowledge the word ‘resolve’ when I tried to address matters.

At this point, I’m exhausted from trying to get a response from her in order to deal with anything. This is the first and only real response she’s given me, and it’s to end it. 

F***

I have no idea what my options are at this point. I am not financially capable of packing up & leaving. We have to kids (11 & 7) to support & nurture. I can continue to live in the same house, but obviously need to draw new lines and boundaries in response to this. 

What do I do now?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry to hear that you are going through this.

It sounds like you married into a family who sweeps everything under the rug in a way to keep family 'happy'. So they see you as a trouble maker who wants to pick up the rug and clean up what's under it. 

Rug sweepers and cleaners are not compatible. Your wife is right, since she and her family are not willing to deal in honesty, you have to either follow their lead and not bring up problems around them.. living in a false world.. or you need to divorce your wife.

So what do you do now?

Start by interacting with your wife according to the 180. If you still sleep with your wife, move to another room in the house.

Without discussing this with your wife yet, find out as much about divorce in your state as you can. There will be a lot online. You can also find attorneys who will give half hour to one hour free consolations.

Does your wife work outside the home?


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