# Ok, now he hit and kicked me



## whattodo??

I posted last on 9/14/10. I thank those of you who replied, and I am sorry to those who could not follow what I was saying.

My husband and I have had a long, tough road. He has only been violent with me once. That was 8 years ago when I asked him if we could have a child together, since of course, that was part of the plan. Well, since we got married, that plan of his changed. He told me that night that no, he did not want a child. I felt rejected and asked him why not, he said that was never the plan and I made it up in my head. I was so upset and said I didn't know why he wanted to marry me. (He wants seperate accounts, pushes me away, tells me one thing then tells me another.) I threw our wedding picture on the floor, and he called me the "B" threw me and drug me across the floor and left me with a rug burn on my knee the size of a softball. 2 years later we had our daughter (???) and he loves her to death!

The fights and rejected feelings have continued. Some nights we say such hurtful things to each other that I want to be away from him. A few years ago I told him to sleep in the camper because I did not want to fight any more, so I lock him out for the night so he wouldn't confront me.

Last Thursday he said to me that he doesn't even know what to expect from me anymore past 11:00 at night. I asked what he was talking about? He said that I lock him out of the house and turn into some crazy lady. (That was 3 years ago!!, and I was not crazy, I wanted peace!)

Needless to say, I was hurt by that comment. We were over at the neighbor's Friday night having a few beers, and he left early. I went home and there he was, getting ready to sleep on the couch (which we had agreed he wouldn't do anymore). I was upset and said.."look out, here comes crazy lady..." He stood up, pushed me down on the couch and said "Get the F____ away from me". I laughed and he kicked me in the leg. I stood up and pushed him and told him he is not a man if he thinks he needs to hit me. He pushed me again. I bit him in the finger, he pushed me away. I was laughing, (not a good idea) I stood up and he punched me straight in the mouth. I fell, he then kicked me HARD in the behind.

Next day I have 2 loose front teeth and a bruise on my behind larger than a grapefruit. Had to go to the dentist to get my teeth attached strong enough to not fall out ($700 worth).

I told him he best leave. He did. He is out of town on business until Friday.

I know this sounds absolutely crazy, but I don't know what to do. The beginning of my story is on an earlier thread. He is really not a horrible person, and not typically violent. He is a hard worker, makes good money, comes from a good family, my family LOVES him. My Mom knows the situation and is in disbelief that he actually did this to me. I have been trying to work through this and don't know which direction to go. I have been working on an Dr. Phil book which makes sense. I know we are toxic to each other right now, but I have a feeling that it could be different if we quit nagging on each other.

Every day this week I have been trying to figure out to ask him to leave, to work on this or to just move on. Everytime I think I should stay, my teeth start to hurt, I sit down, then my behind hurts because it is so bruised! Those reminders make me want to cry and run!!!

Hope this makes more sense than the last. I get lost with my thoughts trying to condense so many years of issues..trying to just stick to the point, yet give you a general idea of the madness!!


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## misspuppy

"once and abuser, always an abuser".. 

these words ring more true to me now then they did 15 yrs ago.. i will spare you some of the gruesome details, but, will say that my ex choked me to literally minutes of my life... and my ex also followed the same pattern as i am reading from you.. start out nice and then BANG you get married and it all changes ... for the WORST.. first it is the house is not clean, then its leave me alone, then its hitting here and there, then its making me walk to and from work ( in ALL weather, because he works 2 jobs and needs the car more than i do), then its this and that,... before you know it, he is hitting screaming and punching me all the time everyday... i dealt with him doing this to me, because i too, said he NORMALLY does not do this, he is a nice guy good money wonderful family blah blah blah... BUT, i will tell you this, someone will end up in a body bag if this continues, and sadly it will NOT BE HIM!!!!


the reason i say this, is because 8 1/2 years ago i met a man who has NEVER EVER laid a hand on me, pushed me or anything.. the only thing we do is fight like normal couples ( money sex bills, you know, the normal stuff), he has given me a say in our relationship, he is kind loving and i let him do his thing, and i do mine. THAT is TRUE LOVE in a relationship.. THEY NEVER GET BETTER.. the whole "knocking your teeth and kicking you in the butt" is just a warm up for him, GOD knows what is next... let me give you a phone number to call when this happens

*
9 1 1*



im not kidding NO ONE deserves to be treated that way, the fact that every time you sit down on your butt, and feel your face, should def tell you its not going to get better.. kick him to the JAIL HOUSE NOW!!!!!

God be with you in your decision and may you find peace..


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## LADYGAINES

OMG please get out of this relationship. You are taking his abuse to lightly in my opinion because you say he is not a horrible man. Yes he is! Do not downplay having your teeth knocked out and getting kicked. I am afraid for you and anyone who is a victim of abuse.


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## whattodo??

I am sooo sad to hear your story! I sometimes feel foolish even coming here with my crap because I know there are people out there in way worse situations than I!!!

I am confused because our relationship was GREAT the first 2 years together. We dated 5 years and married at 6 years. He never laid a finger on me either until year 7, here we are, 7 years later and he goes at it again. It seems when he really feels the pressure to decide what to do with me, he gets violent, but that has only been twice..

I understand violence is no way ok in a marriage what so ever...and should not be tolerated. He feels really bad. He has been calling me every day to see how I am. He is, however, claiming he had every right to hit me because he was defending himself for me being in his face and for pushing him back. However, he says he is sorry because he did not mean to hit me that hard. 

I am confused because I know if someone pushes me down literally, I should walk away. I was so fed up with him thinking he can be a tough guy like that that I pushed back. I feel guilty for not walking away. And better yet, I bit him right before before he punched me. I feel just as much at fault.

I know he feels really bad because his Dad was abusive to his Mom. He SWORE he would NEVER hit a woman! 

What hurts almost as much is that he is traveling right now for business. He is literally doing that commercial..where the Dad buys a stuffed toy and takes a pic of it and sends it to his daughter indicating the toy is looking for a friend to live with. The toy wants to come and live with my daughter and will once Daddy gets home on Friday. He is writing a story about the toy and taking pictures of it every day and wants me to sharethe toy's journey with my daughter. I have not showed my daughter yet...he is confusing me with this..which I am sure that is his goal! He has not done any thing like this before for my daughter, who is 6, and he has traveled like this all her life! He rarely talks to her when he is gone either. 

Thanks for your insight and for the phone number. I do know what to do, in denial, but do know what to do. The ER dentist has the xrays and I did tell them what happened. It is recorded. As far as the bruise goes, I took a pic (stupid!! but knew I needed to..know how hard it is to take a non ilicit pic of your own ars??)

Trying to make light of this..laugh and cry..laugh and cry....


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## voivod

misspuppy said:


> "once and abuser, always an abuser"..


nothing is absolute, never has a more illogical falsehood been written here than the above.

you've framed it as a great fallacy. the fact remains that once someone commits physical abuse, the propencity is there. but one human CAN strike another and never do it again. it matters how much risk the recipient wants to expose themselves to. I'd understand if the abused exited that relationship. 

but what of the many successful graduates of anger management, anger control, etc. statistically, the odds are against em, but what of the minority who never return to using violence?

a highly supervised, judicially mandated anger control course is in order regardless of how this ends up. i'm just saying never say never...


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## COGypsy

Everything you're saying is pretty much from the textbook about the cycle of domestic violence. First the tension builds until there's finally fight. Afterwards, it's called "hearts and flowers" and of course he's sorry, and of course you can't be mad because he works soooo hard and he's suuuch a good Daddy. He's not *really* that guy that hit you.....

And of course in that whole process, he has to remind you too that it really was *your* fault. He's a good guy, remember? If you hadn't {insert infraction here}, then he wouldn't have had to react the way he did.

Cycle Of Violence - Domestic Violence

It's important to realize too that he *was* a great guy when you met. It's a gradual process to get you to accept this kind of treatment. No one would ever go on a second date with a guy that clocked you for ordering the wrong thing on a first date, right? But comments over a period of time, getting in your space to make you back down during an argument, slamming the wall or breaking a plate to intimidate you....all of that builds up until something something physical happens and then you have all kinds of reasons to justify his behavior *for* him. It's all part of the game.

Read up on the dynamics of abusive relationships some and think too about how you want your daughter to grow up learning how to be treated. Eventually she's going to see more than stuffed toys from Daddy, she'll see that it's okay for him to knock Mommy on her can. What kind of man do you think she'll find for herself?


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## unbelievable

A guy that hits his wife isn't a "great guy", no matter how much money he makes or how much your family adores him. I'm wondering how many of these assaults and ugly arguments are alcohol related. Doesn't excuse it, but if that's part of the problem, you might just avoid starting arguments if either of you has been drinking. If he hits you, call 9-11.


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## whynotme

Hi Whattodo,

I have posted on here before about my situation. I understand what you are going through. It is so easy to be in love with the good side of him. I had one like that, too. He pulled a bunch of crap on me after we got married, to the point that I walked out on the marriage after the first 6 months. I know how hard it can be to leave, even when you know you should. I stayed another four years and it was a big mistake.

We had been married for two years when he told me he wanted to punch me in my face during an argument. Even though it took me another two years to leave, I never felt safe around him again after that. He didn't actually punch me but he abused me with his words and his awful displays of temper and rage.

Please, please leave. I wasn't actually hit but I might as well have been. I am right there with you. Your sore behind and your sore teeth are trying to give you the wake-up call.

Please make your plans now. He will only get worse. This man can lay hands on you and justify it later because you bit him in self-defense? He is the worst kind of person. You have to get yourself and your family away. No matter who in your life loves him, you are the one getting hurt here. You are the one who is subjected to and has to live with abuse. Being a good provider means nothing when he does not respect your person. And if he can do this to you, one day he will think he can do anything to you. You don't want to see that day.

Best wishes to you and a safe exit plan.

-WNM


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## HM3

Whattodo,

You have to leave. Your relationship with your husband is not healthy - for you or your daughter. Your little girl is going to grow up watching her mum being abused, what messages do you think she will be getting? You also don't know when your husband might start the abuse on your daughter. For both your sakes, please leave.


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## whattodo??

Thanks everyone for the advice.

I know what needs to be done, but none the less, it is hard to leave. The unknown is scary, and having to raise a child alone is scary. However, after being to the dentist and they expect that I will need a double root canal from the abuse says enough to me to know that it is a dangerous situation and no matter how "nice" of a guy he is, we cannot be together. One tooth is definitely dying and the other one is questionable. Two more are crooked and the dentist expects they may go back to normal. I wanted to cry the last time I was in the dentist's office, and the assistant said "you are such a beautiful girl with such a beautiful smile, why did this have to happen to you". The teeth even have cracks throughout them now. SOOOO sad!! 

I have much support from friends, family and neighbors. They are concerned for me and want me to ask him to leave as well. I know it is the right thing to do, even though I am scared!

Thanks again for the comments and responses!

Whattodo...


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## whynotme

U R awesome!!!!!

I wish you the best.

-WNM


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## justme86

if a man hits you once, that one too many times. just b/c he may not be "typically abusive" he's still abusive. please leave this "man" (really stupid boy), for you and your daughter's saftey! do you really want your daughter growing up thinking this is how a man treats a woman? please get help, and please get away from him!


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## sbbs

Leave now. Leave now, leave now, leave now. Get the hell out of there.

*COGypsy* nailed it. You're in the typical cycle of domestic abuse. Get out of there. For your sake and for your daughter's.

Your family might adore your husband, but they adore you more. Talk to them and ask them to help you. Unless they're really dysfunctional, they will. So will your friends.

Good luck to you. Let us know how you are.


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## akcroy

Get out of there, at least for your daughter's sake. If your husband really cares about her, you two might be able to come to a reasonable exit strategy.


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## sbbs

I disagree with *akcroy*. DO NOT consult your husband on how you should leave or how you should divide up your stuff. The most dangerous time with an abuser is when you're leaving.

Find a way to get the heck out of there without his knowledge. Your friends and family can help you come up with a plan, and they can help you pull it off. Of course, your husband will find out soon enough. But the more time you have between when you leave and when he finds out you and your daughter are gone, the better off you are.


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## marriedyoung

You need to leave him honey. You're a strong person with a good support network round you, you can do this.

I know voivod said that because he's done it now he might not ever do it again, but I think if that were true he'd have shown some remorse, been shocked after he did it, something! He didn't, he'll do it again.

Get out while you can xx


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## sbbs

:iagree:

Get out of there. Run--don't walk.

He's an abuser. He'll do it again. Leave. Leave safely, but leave.


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