# I want to leave him but..



## dance (Jun 24, 2011)

I’m looking for that ray of hope.

I can’t take it anymore.

I can’t stand looking at him, I can’t stand his voice, I can’t stand being next to him.

Everything he does and doesn’t do puts me in a bad place.

When I talk to him, he talks like a child and replies to everything with, “Why?”

When I look at him, he is either sleeping or playing video games.

When my babies are crying, whining, or even laughing, his reaction is, “OMG! JUST SHUT THE ----UP ALREADY!”

He doesn’t want to do anything with the babies. Or even me.
We haven’t had a date night in who knows how long.
It’s mostly for financial reason and I understand that, but he doesn’t even want to do the “free” stuff
Like taking a walk at a nearby trail or going to the park or swimming.

He has no social life which he uses against me when I want to go hang out with my friends. (Yet he has no problem talking to his ex girlfriend –also his first love- that he’s been with for 2 years. I’m pretty sure he would take the time to see her if she didn’t live out of state.)

And when he does “allow” me to go, he makes me take the babies with me, which is fine by me because I don’t trust him with my babies.

When I come home from school, my babies are crying and he’s sitting there playing games on his phone, headphones in his ears. When I ask him why he’s just ignoring them, he snaps at me, “I couldn’t hear them!” What if they had gotten hurt? What if they were dying…and he couldn’t hear them..
It really just breaks my heart.

Now that school is out and I’m home all day with the babies, I just want a grown up to talk to, but he can’t even carry a conversation.

His replies are:
Okay.
Oh really?
Cool.
I don’t know.

He says it because of work. But is all the neglect and negativity towards your wife and kids necessary?
I understand that it is physical labor and that he gets exhausted. It also doesn’t help that he works grave yard shifts but is it enough excuse to behave like this?

I tried communicating with him. But it always ends up the same way, him blaming me for everything. It’s my fault that he is negative, that he is angry, that everything in our lives are as messed up as it is.

He says the only way to change things is if I change. 

And I’ve tried that. I tried changing myself to his terms. I pushed all my hatred and anger away and tried to be that wife he would like to come home to. But it’s the SAME thing with him. No matter what I DO, he’s on his ass, ignoring me, ignoring his babies, playing his video games.

I can only take in so much of this cycle and it only brings me to a darker place.

I’m naturally a happy, positive, goofy, always-laughing kind of girl.
I only think about the happy things…
But when my husband is around, I see his face..his angry, “I-hate-my-life” face, it just drains the life out of me and I become this depressed girl.
I’ve been thinking about committing suicide a lot lately as well. He makes me feel like I have nothing to give to the world, that my existence means nothing. He makes me feel so low.
The only thing preventing me from committing suicide is my babies. And the fear of how much it would hurt..lol
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I want to leave him, but if there’s anything I can do to save my marriage, I’ll try it.

But please don’t recommend marriage counseling. It was the first thing I suggested when things started to really get at me and he got furious with me. Saying that I’m the stupid psycho one that needs therapy and not him…

Thank you for taking the time to read this.


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## Dr. E (Jun 24, 2011)

It appears that you are the only one that is interested in having an adult relationship. Your husband is either unwilling or uninterested in working on your marriage, or he thinks that things are good the way they are. Also, it sounds as if there may be some control issues (i.e., And when he does “allow” me to go..., “OMG! JUST SHUT THE ----UP ALREADY!”, etc.) and he speaks to you with little respect. You and your children deserve better than that! 

Instead of trying to change yourself to suit his requirements, why don't you focus on changing your life for the better. Your responsibilities lie with yourself and your children and that should be your #1 priority.


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## dance (Jun 24, 2011)

Dr. E said:


> It appears that you are the only one that is interested in having an adult relationship. Your husband is either unwilling or uninterested in working on your marriage, or he thinks that things are good the way they are. Also, it sounds as if there may be some control issues (i.e., And when he does “allow” me to go..., “OMG! JUST SHUT THE ----UP ALREADY!”, etc.) and he speaks to you with little respect. You and your children deserve better than that!
> 
> Instead of trying to change yourself to suit his requirements, why don't you focus on changing your life for the better. Your responsibilities lie with yourself and your children and that should be your #1 priority.



emotionally, I'm ready to leave 80%. That other 20% are holding onto memories of what once were.

But this is the present, and I want a divorce.

But I won't have anywhere else to go..


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

This is a ticking time bomb that's waiting to happen. I think you know it and everyone else who have read your thread knows it.

I'll say it one more time. When only ONE of the couple is trying to resolve a problem, it is NOT going to work ... and the end result is a separation or a divorce.

Pretty soon, the bad situation that you're in will out weigh the good memories that you have. It's just around the corner and I think that you're well aware of that.

Venting is just one of the first steps in getting there. Everyone looks for help, but the bottom line is that it's up to the couple to make it or break it.

This is the bond that has to stay together and work things out, but when the bond is broken .... it becomes a hopeless situation.


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## onepotatotwo (May 17, 2011)

Dance, I can completely relate... My H drains the very life out of me too. He's controlling and manipulate like your H too.
I also reached the point where the very sight of him makes me furious...He is always so critical, angry and just plain negative and mean that I can't stand the sight of him. 
I've tried being supportive, understanding...tough love...all the tricks..but nothing works to make him "happy"...you know? 
Where did I hear that expression "...they could ruin a wet dream..." That fits my H to a T. 
I used to hang on to the happy times, but the emotional abuse among other things, has been sooo overwhelming it really makes the happy times seem like too few and far between. The Horrorpops have this song called Emotional Abuse...The lyrics are soooo fitting to this kind of relationship. I don't want to be treated cold and often left alone--I deserve better than that! 
It's so true! We get accustomed by them, to put up with their little pouty hissy fits and all the punishment...My H is the king of punishment....he loves to punish me for things that I'm not even at fault for! 
I don't have any comforting words of advice, just that I can totally relate to where you're coming from and I've finally said enough and am filing for divorce. I can't imagine living the rest of my life trying to please someone who willl *never* be pleased--or even happy...
I hope you can find peace in your life however you can get it.


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## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

Don't beat yourself over his faults - think of the kids, get a divorce. For their sake.

LOL, look who's talking.. you should read my last thread. I know how hard it is to make these decisions...


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