# Goodbye sex and intimacy, hello vibrator?



## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

After a month of hard work cleaning the house, doing laundry, dishes, parenting, etc.. I get a whole 50 dollars! Since the sex life is gone, I'm going to go out and buy a vibrating boyfriend. I'm supposed to spend it on gas for my car and some food (I'm picking up his son today)but I am taking the initiative to take care of myself and my needs.

My husband and I used to have sex all the time, but his interest has diminished. I never thought this could happen to us but it did. I normally initiate the sex but am tired of getting rejected.

Go me.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Interesting approach... you do understand, of course that taking this position will not correct the problems. It can actually make it worse.

If the two of you are simply co-existing, then something has to be done to bring the two of you back together. Otherwise, this will not end well.

If the two of you collectively sit idly by and take whatever comes, then you should save yourself the frustrations and hurt and just part company now.

I am NOT saying that you are wrong and I am not saying that HE is wrong... The two of you need desperately to find some common ground and work from there.

My wife shows up with one of those and I am going to assume that she wants nothing to do with me sexually.

Just my thoughts.

~Moog


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

Well I have to scratch that idea for now. I found out I have only 10 dollars. Joy. R.I.P. marital bliss


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I have a sack full of sex toys, mostly vibrators, and my hubby and I use them sometimes, for fun... but mostly they just sit up on the closet shelf, hidden from view, and get dusty! hehe... I will occasionally use them if he's out of town, which is rare. 

Nothing wrong with getting a vibrator if your hubby is refusing you sex, but, maybe you two could sit down and talk this over? 

The only way things will improve with your hubby is if you talk to him, and tell him your concerns, and let him tell you his.

You two can reconnect, if you truly want to. It's hard to be rejected. I went through a tough period of that, when I was pregnant, not to mention being pregnant makes it even worse , because you're so hormonal and your emotions are that much more impressionable.
Could you try talking to him? Getting this out in the open? It won't help you, or him, if you keep it bottled up inside...


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

I used to do sex education so I am very comfortable about talking sex, he contends he is just not in the mood. I try not to feel the rejection but it is so hard. The lack of intimacy is what bothers me the most. But if I can sexually satisfy myself I wouldn't be so antsy about it.

I have to put my ten dollars towards saving up for a good tool. boo-urns.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

LOL... I hope you find the tool you want! 

but seriously talking to him, seeking therapy, is the only way this will get resolved. And if it continues, without resolution, it will only fester, until it's become an out of control problem


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

I was seriously considering therapy for this. I know he has alot on his plate to deal with and perhaps that is the reason why he's not putting out. Managing my emotions in the meantime will present a challenge. I shouldn't be the only one to initiate sex so I stopped. I understand two wrongs don't make a right but right now I feel so rejected that I'm turned off.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

Chikki Jaxun said:


> I used to do sex education so I am very comfortable about talking sex, he contends he is just not in the mood. I try not to feel the rejection but it is so hard. The lack of intimacy is what bothers me the most. But if I can sexually satisfy myself I wouldn't be so antsy about it.
> 
> I have to put my ten dollars towards saving up for a good tool. boo-urns.


My wife rejected me a lot for quite some time. I found that masturbating helped take care of my own needs. The rejection I will admit will hurt for quite some time. Even though she now knows how the rejection made me feel, I still do harbor some bitterness over the extended period of rejection. I will say that taking care of it yourself is a heck of a lot better than having someone take care of it for you.

I read a book that really helped, called a sexless marriage. It really shed a lot of light on the situation and how both she and I reacted to our sex life. I would suggest spending money on that, and go manual until you can get the good toy!

Oh, and for a little hope for you. My wife and I were having sex about once a month for 2 years. We have opened the lines of communication on both sides, and we are now having sex at least once a week. There have been a few weeks that we have had sex 4-5 times in the last 6 months. I think we still have a long way to go, but that's part of the work that goes into a marriage I think...


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

Dancing Nancie, I concur wholeheartedly. My husband just messaged me saying he put more money in my account to go get some gas. I blatantly told him I was gonna go get me a tool with extra batteries. I reassured him that I understand he is dealing with alot of stress and basically adhered to the old adage "if you want something done, do it yourself"

We basically went from 3 times per week to 0. There is definitely something wrong, it's on his end. His problem not mine anymore.

Yes it is better than cheating.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

well, nothing wrong with pleasuring yourself while he works his issues out, or you work out yours. I actually think masturbating can be very healthy, even when both partners are getting it, as long as it's not replacing sex totally. But since he's denying you sex, you have every right to pleasure yourself, it's not like you'd prefer to always have a vibrator rather than him. But, in the long run, you two will eventually have to deal with it. Unless he just comes around. and hopefully he will. vibrator or not, you will still have to try to work through whatever is causing the rift. I hope you can get to a good place again. I would love it if my hubby and I did it three times a week! maybe I should go get my toys out too! LOL....


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

Break them out and dust them off, I'm definitely going to start a collection. I'm fed up with the rejection.  I better get to the store before I pull my hair out.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

;-) it's gonna be okay. But, get your toy ,and enjoy yourself, till he comes around and realizes you need him!


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

Ok, we haven't had sex since March 7. Last night I couldn't take it anymore and started to initiate it, I had clothes off and everything. I got turned down big time. It was 12:30am and the kids were in bed. The excuse? "The kids are in the other room, gross."


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## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

nothing hurts a woman more than being rejected for sex. It makes you feel unattractive, something that makes a woman feel like a woman. I'm so sorry someone else is going through this situation. I know how bad it hurts. It hurts me just to read what you just wrote. Sorry I have no advice, only sympathy, I'm trying to work through it myself. =(


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

bhappy3 said:


> nothing hurts a woman more than being rejected for sex. It makes you feel unattractive, something that makes a woman feel like a woman.


Off topic, but on average I would say men get turned down by their wives/GFs much more often than the other way around. Trust me, it doesn't feel great to us either.

There has honestly been only 1 time in 9+ years that I have turned down my wife, and she cried for an hour. I've always had a huge sex drive so even if I wasn't in the mood I quickly became in the mood because who knows when the next time I was going to get it?

There are times as men, we get rejected enough that we eventually just "shut off" and stop initiating and then the woman thinks we don't find them attractive anymore because we aren't initiating. Damned if we do initiate (get rejected) and damned if we don't (she doesn't feel attractive).


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Chikki Jaxun-

I started a thread that gives my standard view on this situation, to save my fingers. I hope it helps a bit. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ference-between-men-women-who-go-off-sex.html


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

I feel rejected but my self-esteem is intact. I know I'm a hottie. lol. It's St. Patrick's Day,I'm on Spring Break and my cousin and I are going to go out later on and drink green beer. I'm gonna get dressed up and be noticed. I'll be wearing my diamonds proudly.

Happy St. Patty's


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

That link is awesome!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

The super-model comment in the last post was directed at you...


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi Mark, We did the retention thing last night. We had some really good shagging, I guess it lasted maybe 20 minutes , not counting the foreplay of course.

There were a couple times when he was on the verge of finishing, so we stopped and kissed or did more oral.... We managed to quit at the right time. He jumped off me and said "don't touch me don't touch me! if you do I"ll cum"! lol... it was kind of comical for both of us, we were huffing and puffing all while giggling, as we've never tried doing this without him finishing before

He says he feels fine, I don't know if he's got blue balls, or if he's anxious for another round, but I have a feeling he won't turn me down if I ask for it. Actually he never has done that, it's just that I wanted him to initiate.

I think we'll try the retention thing again tonight, or tomorrow night, and see if it doesn't get him jazzed up. 
Just an update, thanks Mark! ;-)


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

Well, its definitely not me. I went out last night and the hot men were swarming. My husband barely spoke to me in 3 days. grrr


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Chikki Jaxun said:


> Well, its definitely not me. I went out last night and the hot men were swarming. My husband barely spoke to me in 3 days. grrr


Is that pic on your profile you???


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Is that pic on your profile you???



lol yeah


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Chikki Jaxun said:


> lol yeah


Well, it's an "open and shut case", as they say in the detective movies.


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

he should open his zipper more.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

You two done flirting now? 

How's the search for the vibrator going? Try putting it on HIS pillow


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

Haven't done the shopping yet. Man, I have never experienced this before in any partner. It's bewildering to say the least. Our communication has been reduced to less than 10 words per day for the last few days.

I feel as though our marriage is taking a nosedive.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Chikki Jaxun said:


> Haven't done the shopping yet. Man, I have never experienced this before in any partner. It's bewildering to say the least. Our communication has been reduced to less than 10 words per day for the last few days.
> 
> I feel as though our marriage is taking a nosedive.


How long will you give him until you exit?


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

I have no idea, it feels as though he gave up on me. This situation is seemingly critical and I am at an extreme loss for words right now.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

Chikki Jaxun said:


> I have no idea, it feels as though he gave up on me. This situation is seemingly critical and I am at an extreme loss for words right now.


I have had moments with my wife when I felt things were at a critical stage, and she just didn't understand where I was coming from at all. Do you think he really understands that you are at your breaking point?


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

I've told him that I miss him, his response "I just go to work everyday, I'm right here" He stonewalls me all the time and its difficult to communicate with him. His sarcasm is extreme and un-called for.

Recently there was a death, one of my daughter's friends died (an 11 yr old). It was devastating and I got no affection from him at all. His 10 yr old son was visiting us during this rough time. My daughter's tears weren't even dry when she told him "my fried died" his response "good". The very next day, my H's son told me that I looked like my H's ex gf. My H just laughed about it. I'm changing the color of my hair tomorrow.

This is getting out-of-hand. We were the perfect couple not 4 weeks ago. I feel lost, alone and neglected.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Chikki Jaxun said:


> This is getting out-of-hand. We were the perfect couple not 4 weeks ago. I feel lost, alone and neglected.


Ah, this changes everything!

When there is a sudden change, something is afoot.


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

I wish I knew what it was.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Get digging!

It could be:
He is having an affair.
He is stressed and having performance anxiety.
He is waiting for some test results in case he has an STD from an affair.
He is depressed, sick, mad....

You name it.


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

He's been coughing so it may be that he's sick but for 4 weeks? We had mad sex when we were barely breathing.

He may be depressed but won't tell me.

I made a beautiful dinner for him last night and he chose to get a BK whopper. He knew I was making dinner too. The kids are staying with their dad for a few days.

I'm just gonna give up for now and wait for him to come around. I've made a hair appointment tomorrow and I'm going out again with friends. No bars just dinner.

Meanwhile, I'm going to get my frustrations out with running as fast as I can and dancing around the house.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Why are you getting your hair done?


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

My son-in-law came to visit last weekend. While he and his dad were grocery shopping they spotted me. The little guy said "we thought you were Denise" (my husband's horrible ex). It kinda upset me because my husband hates that woman. I look nothing like her as she is a ginger with hair dyed black.

He continued by saying "and you got the same sweater as her too" and started laughing. My husband did nothing to stop him as he continued to laugh and point at me.

I'm changing my look asap.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

What a jerk. Put the sweater on his pillow too. you two need to talk.


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

He needs to teach his son some lessons about respect. The sweater wasn't mine it belonged to my cousin, I made sure that my son-in-law heard me tell her that it caused me nothing but trouble.

I'm dying my hair the same color as Jessica Alba and I am gonna get on my stilettos and go to dinner with friends.


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

grrrr...

I finally broke the silence and told him he has to fix his attitude because he's acting like a major jerk.


response: I dont fu$%@#6 care.

The kids are coming home soon, this has to stop NOW>


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

The kids aren't coming home until later today. Last night we had a huge argument. We haven't gotten like that before. He slept on the sofa I never to to sleep until 7am this morning. I demanded that we talk before this gets too far.

Well, we are not breaking up (phew). He is stressed out from work and experiencing burn out. His **** attitude toward me is intolerable. I told him "I betcha you don't talk to your friends with that same attitude." He basically walked away. He is going out of town this weekend (w00t). I hope the absence is gonna make his heart grow fonder. I'm going out again tonight.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

I don't think either of your away time and hostility towards each other is going to 'help' your marriage. 

Try approaching him with out attacking him.


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

I had to get hostile with him. It worked, I got laid today big time. Apparently, he is suffering from what he says a "midlife" crisis, I have no idea what that means but I hope he is willing to talk about it. 

I went out again last night and had a blast, he was with me earlier but started acting like a total jerk so I went home, threw on a super hot outfit and stilettos and headed into town. My self-esteem is rockin.

When I came home last night he wanted sex but I refused him, he became a little mouthy but I ignored him. Today all he could do was stare at me, we went to town and had a few beers, he definitely noticed me because other men were too. He was very proud to have a hottie on his arm ad I feel more appreciated.

I also made sure he knew his performance was stellar today and that I look forward to a bang session everyday. He concurred. I mentioned "retention" saying I was gonna hold back on my orgasm, he asked me what it was and I told him that holding back orgasms make it ten times better. I know its for men but I brought it up as I was riding the bologna pony.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

huh... wonder if it is for women too? I figure he owes me about 300 O's right now... i want them!


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

He could have even looked at me and I would have had one. He is being so good now, he's holding me, caressing my leg and stuff. This new hair really works.

My tough love works


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Chikki Jaxun said:


> When I came home last night he wanted sex but I refused him, he became a little mouthy but I ignored him. Today all he could do was stare at me, we went to town and had a few beers, he definitely noticed me because other men were too. He was very proud to have a hottie on his arm ad I feel more appreciated.


What made you turn him down?


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

^^he was drunk. Although I was intoxicated too, I just wanted to play hard to get. It worked like a charm. When we hung out during the day, I had workout gear on, no glamor at all. When I got home, I was all glamored up and feeling pretty good. This must have turned him on, so I took my power and played hard to get.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Well you need to stay on top of him, as it were!


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

Roger that, as far as performance goes, I am taking over so he doesn't have to worry. I don't know much about midlife crisis but if it has affected his perception on how he is in the sack, I will definitely stay on top of him.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Do you like it when you have to initiate to get sex?


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

I don't like initiating sex all the time and told him so. This time he initiated it, I'm gonna keep the sexiness going. I hope he can't resist. 

He is taking me out of town for my birthday this Thursday and has been talking about taking me to the Dominican or somewhere warm..we'll see.

While I'm out of town this week, I'm hitting the lingerie shop.


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

snix11 said:


> Do you like it when you have to initiate to get sex?


I don't like to initiate all the time and haven't bothered since the last jump. Today is my birthday and last night I waited for him to initiate but it was a failure. 

Why do some men not initiate even if they know their women are willing to give it a go?


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## findingpeace (Mar 14, 2009)

well t does soud like your under appreciated getting your intamicy back is very important have you tried to talk to your husband and ask him why his sex druve isnt what it use to be and that you would like to have sex more see what he says cominication is very important to prevent youe problems from getting worse


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## SweetBillyV (Mar 28, 2009)

Yeeeehaw!


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

Since we talked about the sex and the reasons why he was losing his mojo, the sex has been great. I haven't been online for a while because I was too busy in love again. 

He took me to his hometown to meet his best friends and I feel so frikkin loved its unreal. 

btw I haven't bought that vibrator yet, but I think I will someday adn teach my husband how to use it on me. w00t.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Chikki,

You just answered your own post.

You go girl, trust me us men love it.


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