# How do I get passed it???



## Enough!!! (Feb 1, 2010)

My Husband and I have been married now for 14 years, we have 3 children together.
For the past 7 months or so, my husband has been spending an incredible amount of time on the computer...porn, facebook etc... you name it.
I could see this becoming an issue, but didn't know how to fix it... without telling him outright to cut back.
Anyway, one of his past flings (from before him and I, and was only a sexual thing) found him on facebook, she constantly contacted him, asking why he would reply etc.
One day we had a minor argument about his time on the computer, and I asked him to spend more time with me and the kids... I have needs too.. you know!
He stormed out!
I later discovered that he went to this girls house and spent the night with her. He didn't confess, I just know him so well that I could tell something was up. When I asked him, I guess I just wasn't prepared for the answer. I was completely devastated. I still am. He says he loves me, and that it was the worst mistake of his life. What I don't understand is this... he says that he cheated because she made him feel wanted and needed. She is a professional after all. She was aware he was married, and when I confronted her she made it quite clear that marriage means little to her, as she has several married men on the go at the moment? WTF??? So tell me, how could someone like that make you feel special?
I was there, and I was always alone, I went to bed alone, I got up alone. I begged for his attention... and he cheated because HE felt lonely...again WTF?
I love my husband very much, more than I realized. And I do accept part of the blame. I was lonely too, but I never cheated. In some ways our marriage is stronger than ever, but I have my demons to deal with now. I don't trust him anymore. We were enjoying regular sex, cuddles etc and still told each other daily that we loved each other, before the fling. Now when he says it, my ears hear it, but my heart does not. I don't know how to knock this wall down that I have built to protect myself. It is stopping me form enjoying what we have now.. and it's all because I just don't believe!
He says he's sorry. But they are just words. The "fling" wasn't an accident, it was something that he made happen, started as text messages etc. There has been so many lies, how can he expect me to believe him now.
Now, being 4 months since I found out, I have been doing my best to fix "my wrong doings", by being more attentive, and loving and affectianate etc.
But I just want to feel at peace... I'm losing sleep , as I constantly worry. I thought I had low self esteem before... this has made me question myself as a woman, and my own selfworth. I worry I am pushing him away with my constant need for re-assurance. The problem is, when he does tell me he loves me... I don't hear it.
Any advice on how to get past the pain, and allow my babe back into my soul. I have never questioned my security in my marriage until now, I never realized how much I depended on that security. I miss the warm fuzzy feeling I used to get when he held me in his arms. Now, when he holds me, it petrifies me, Can I depend on these arms to hold me forever, or am I setting myself up for more heartache?
I just want to believe... no more pain!


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## MrP.Bodybig (Jul 21, 2009)

get rid of internet


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I know EXACTLY how you feel. My H had his affair back in June 2008. I didn't find out until Halloween 2009. It had long been over by the time I found out, so there were steps I didn't have to take, like insisting on no-contact, it had been 18 months since they had talked anyway. 

I will tell you this. The pain doesn't just disappear. It hurts and it hurts a lot. You feel like someone stabs you in the heart everytime they say "sorry" or offer up some lame excuse. My H tells me constantly that he "only wants me" and the first thing that pops in my head is "yeah, now you do since you already went out and found some strange". 

All I can tell you, is that he needs to make the effort to constantly reassure you that you are what he wants, he effed up bigtime and knows it and that he will spend the rest of his life being the man you deserve. And slowly the pain will start to wither. But everyone has their own pace


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

DITTO to Dawn - I know EXACTLY too. It's been it's been 3.5 months since I found out about my H's affair. (it ended then too). Like she said, it hurts and will continue to do so but it gets better. Mind over matter I guess. Like you, I realized how much I loved my H after the fact and I too was to blame in some ways. I make a conscious effort daily to not go back to bad habits that made him feel unloved, etc. Most days I do really well and the A is in the back of my mind, other times I have BAD days where that's all I can think of and get sad all over again. 

Like your H, he knows he F-d up royally & will spend the rest of his life making it up to me, per se. I know he loves me but it just seems different sometimes. You can get through this and make you marriage even better. It's not easy and it takes work but you can do it. Find ways that you guys can spend time together and he doesn't find comfort online. Make sure YOU are sending him flirty texts throughout the day - that not only be fun but makes him feel playful and wanted by you. I make sure to do that now and it really helps to feel connected through the day. Also, our line of communication is so open now. We discuss things alot more. 

Good Luck to you!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What has HE done? Do you have all his passwords? Do you have a GPS installed in his car? Has he taken a polygraph? 

If you just accept him and take him back and he doesn't have to 'do' anything to prove his word, he will just have another affair.


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## Calypso (May 11, 2009)

Sounds just like my story so I know how you feel. It's been over a year and a half now since I found out. I still have some trust issues, and I sometimes find it hard to believe that he loves me. I mean I know he decided to stay with me and work on our marriage. I just think that it's going to take time for me to be confident that what he says is true. Specially after all the lies he told me even after I had proof of his A.

I try to take things one day at a time and I can say it's 100% better then a year ago. But, I still have my ups and downs and once in a while I have a really bad day. He picks up on it quickly and tries extra hard to make me feel better. When I get a negative thought I try and push it away and replace it with a postive thought. Once in a while it just don't work but, most of the time it does. He tells me it's a new day and a new beginning.

It will come in time specially if he is open and honest with you at all times. Talking and keeping the communication open between you will make the biggest difference in your relationship. We talk more now then we ever did before and he likes to cuddle now which is a big plus for me. I wish you two the best of luck.


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