# How Long Were You In The Fog?



## dopamineaddict

To people who had affairs and left your significant other for the affair partner; how long were you in your fog? I used to think of my affair partner as perfect. I left my husband of seven years for him about three weeks ago. I blamed my husband for our marriage falling apart, I told him I didn't love him anymore, and hurt him tremendously. I am now starting to see my affair partner for who he is, and realize that it was my husband all along who I was in love with. Is three weeks to short of a time to come out of the fog? Should I see if things work out with my affair partner before making any further decisions, or should I go back to my husband and try to work on our marriage? Will my husband even take me back? 

To spouses hurt by your significant other having an affair, how long was it before your wayward spouse started coming out of the affair fog?


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## Lon

dopamineaddict said:


> To spouses hurt by your significant other having an affair, how long was it before your wayward spouse started coming out of the affair fog?


Don't know, she didn't come back for me to find out. She may be in it still, or not, who knows and who cares (not me any more). The fog didn't make her decide to leave, it didn't cause anything, it is simply a consequence. When you start applying reason again, then you will see out of the fog.


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## dopamineaddict

I am so sorry. How long ago did she leave you? Would you take her back if she attempted reconcilliation?


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## OhGeesh

I'm not a big believer in the fog I don't understand why logic doesn't win out over the emotion.

I guess there is a different between a true affair partner and a one night stands!! There is no fog in a ONS............ I can relate to that, but not a trure AP.


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## dopamineaddict

I believe I was in a fog. For some reason, I couldn't see anything good that my husband did. I actually thought I hated him, and that he was the cause of all the problems in my life. I know many people here are going to hate me...but I am only human, and I make mistakes.


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## Complexity

Had your AP met your expectations would've you honestly went back to your husband?


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## dopamineaddict

I thought I wouldn't. I thought our marriage was over. Now, I'm not so sure what I'm feeling anymore. I thought our marriage was terrible, but now I really see that our marriage was terrible since I started seeing my AP in January. Before that I was actually very happy. I honestly couldn't see that until this morning. I was happy in our marriage...I can't explain it.


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## tacoma

dopamineaddict said:


> To people who had affairs and left your significant other for the affair partner; how long were you in your fog?


I`m still in it after 14 years.


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## daisygirl 41

My H was having an EA with a co worker for months on and off. Within 3 weeks of the EA being exposed by OWH, the EA turned PA ans finished! H realised he didnt love her and didnt want her and finished it.

He now tells me he never loved her and that it was all fake. He tought he loved her, but when the fantasy became the reality it just wasnt what he wanted at all.

So no, 3 weeks isnt too soon. If you realise that you have made a big mistake, then stop your A right now and go and speak to your H or write him a letter if its easier. I always told my H, dont ever be too proud to come and speak to me if you think youve made a mistake.

My H came out of his A fog pretty quickly!
All i can say is please dont mess with your Hs emotions. Finish your A first and then see how you feel.


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## bandit.45

Have you talked to your husband? Has he started divorce proceedings?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity

There no harm in asking for forgiveness but since you said that the marriage was great prior to the affair and you made him believe he was the cause of all your grief, he'll harbor a lot of resentment towards you and in fact, will be a little skeptical about taking you back since being good to you yielded him a cheating wife, what's there to make him believe you won't cheat when things actually get bad?


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## jh52

dopamineaddict said:


> I thought I wouldn't. I thought our marriage was over. Now, I'm not so sure what I'm feeling anymore. I thought our marriage was terrible, but now I really see that our marriage was terrible since I started seeing my AP in January. Before that I was actually very happy. I honestly couldn't see that until this morning. I was happy in our marriage...I can't explain it.


First let me say welcome and you have alot of courage to post on this site. Many people have been hurt and will no doubt takes shots at you.

Can you tell your story from the beginning -- not all the details -- but the important ones that made you act and make decisions along the way from being in a happy marriage to moving in with your AP.

Also, what happened this morning to help you see your ex husband in a different light ?


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## morituri

There is no time table for when a DS/WS (disloyal spouse/wayward spouse) comes to his/her senses about the affair. The reason why you are no longer sure of your decision is because reality has intruded upon your fantasy based perception of the OM. Now that that you have been living with him, you see things about him that you were not aware of when the two of you were sneeking around. The rose colored glasses have come off and what you see is not better than what you left. 

What do you want? Do you want to return to your husband? If this is the case then end your affair with the OM and start making small steps at opening a dialog with your husband to see if he still loves you and would be willing to give you another chance. Keep in mind though that if you are not truly remorseful for having betrayed him, then he may not want to take the risk of taking you back.


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## dopamineaddict

daisygirl 41 said:


> My H was having an EA with a co worker for months on and off. Within 3 weeks of the EA being exposed by OWH, the EA turned PA ans finished! H realised he didnt love her and didnt want her and finished it.
> 
> He now tells me he never loved her and that it was all fake. He tought he loved her, but when the fantasy became the reality it just wasnt what he wanted at all.
> 
> So no, 3 weeks isnt too soon. If you realise that you have made a big mistake, then stop your A right now and go and speak to your H or write him a letter if its easier. I always told my H, dont ever be too proud to come and speak to me if you think youve made a mistake.
> 
> My H came out of his A fog pretty quickly!
> All i can say is please dont mess with your Hs emotions. Finish your A first and then see how you feel.



That is exactly how I feel! Like I was in a fantasy! Some negative things happened pretty quickly... on December 23rd I told my husband I wanted him to be more intimate, he told me he would. Then a short while later he was so caught up with work that he forgot our anniversary. It shattered me. But, he felt horrible and tried to make it up to me. Then in January I started an emotional affair. Now that I look back on things...I think my AP could have been anybody! I just had low self esteem and felt like my husband didn't care about me, but now that I look back I realize he really did care about me. He has done so much for me. People forget anniversaries right? He made an honest mistake, and again he felt horrible about forgetting. After that I put up a wall to him. He was trying to make things better...but I just couldn't see it. I thought it was too little to late...


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## dopamineaddict

bandit.45 said:


> Have you talked to your husband? Has he started divorce proceedings?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He has surprised me. When he found out about the affair he told me to decide between him an my affair partner. I chose my affair partner. He told me to leave, and I did. He started divorce proceedings, but then we both decided to wait a year and a half...


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## bandit.45

dopamineaddict said:


> He has surprised me. When he found out about the affair he told me to decide between him an my affair partner. I chose my affair partner. He told me to leave, and I did. He started divorce proceedings, but then we both decided to wait a year and a half...


He agreed to let you humiliate him for a year and a half? No wonder you have no respect for him. He's a cuckold wimp.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt

You are still in your fog. Majorly.

You need to get yourself out of it, if you think you have ANY chance with your husband.


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## dopamineaddict

bandit.45 said:


> He agreed to let you humiliate him for a year and a half? No wonder you have no respect for him. He's a cuckold wimp.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The only reason we aren't divorced is because of financial reasons. He has stated that I am not welcome back and it's over. The marriage to him is only for financial reasons at this time. At least that's what he said...


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## dopamineaddict

MattMatt said:


> You are still in your fog. Majorly.
> 
> You need to get yourself out of it, if you think you have ANY chance with your husband.


Why do you think I am still in the fog?


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## Fvstringpicker

You may as well face it DA, the reason you left your husband for another man, told him you didn't love him and failed to see anything he was doing right is not a fog. You simply lost interest in him. The fact that you're now in "buyers remorse" doesn't mean you were blind to the husband's value. If things would have worked out with your new love, you wouldn't be talking about the fog. You'd be making plans to live happily every after with the new guy. You are where you are because you got snookered by the new guy and you want a soft place to return to.


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## Complexity

dopamineaddict said:


> That is exactly how I feel! Like I was in a fantasy! Some negative things happened pretty quickly... on December 23rd I told my husband I wanted him to be more intimate, he told me he would. Then a short while later he was so caught up with work that he forgot our anniversary. It shattered me. But, he felt horrible and tried to make it up to me. Then in January I started an emotional affair. Now that I look back on things...I think my AP could have been anybody! I just had low self esteem and felt like my husband didn't care about me, but now that I look back I realize he really did care about me. He has done so much for me. People forget anniversaries right? He made an honest mistake, and again he felt horrible about forgetting. After that I put up a wall to him. He was trying to make things better...but I just couldn't see it. I thought it was too little to late...


Wow serious princess syndrome


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## bandit.45

dopamineaddict said:


> The only reason we aren't divorced is because of financial reasons. He has stated that I am not welcome back and it's over. The marriage to him is only for financial reasons at this time. At least that's what he said...


Well it looks like you're screwed whether you are still in the fog or not. One reason we know you are still in the fog is because you are still with your affair partner. There is something keeping you with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dopamineaddict

jh52 said:


> First let me say welcome and you have alot of courage to post on this site. Many people have been hurt and will no doubt takes shots at you.
> 
> Can you tell your story from the beginning -- not all the details -- but the important ones that made you act and make decisions along the way from being in a happy marriage to moving in with your AP.
> 
> Also, what happened this morning to help you see your ex husband in a different light ?


It was a few things that knocked me into a depression I think. I told my husband I wanted to be more intimate, he said he would. Then he forgot our anniversary. I can now see that he felt horrible for doing that, and he was working a lot at the time. Very stressed. In January I started my affair while my husband was trying to make things better. At the time I was annoyed by his attempts. I thought he was being stupid. I now see, I never gave him a chance to make things better. He tried, but I had built a wall around myself. In March my affair became physical. Looking back on things, I think my affair partner could have been anyone who made me feel good about myself at the time. I honestly thought I loved him.

I've been living with him for three weeks, and I honestly have nothing in common with him. He likes Godsmack; I like classical music. I like to read books while lying in bed, and he listens to Godsmack and I can't even concentrate. He rides a motorcycle, brings me to biker bars. He is the complete opposite of my husband, and I thought I liked that...but now I see that we are incompatible. I don't even really like him anymore. What was I thinking! I'm also not physically attracted to him. He is a little overweight and baled. My best friend said I definetly "traded down," but I couldn't see that at the time.

My husband is shy and reserved. However, people still respect him. He is passionate about many things like politics, and he likes to read in the quiet or while listening to soothing music. He also keeps the house neat! My affair partner's house appears that a typhoon has just gone through it. Why couldn't I see this before?


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## dopamineaddict

bandit.45 said:


> Well it looks like you're screwed whether you are still in the fog or not. One reason we know you are still in the fog is because you are still with your affair partner. There is something keeping you with him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am trying to get away from him. My original plan was to get an apartment shortly, but I don't feel that is the right thing to do anymore.


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## MattMatt

dopamineaddict said:


> Why do you think I am still in the fog?


You might want to try to make it with your lover, or maybe you might think about trying to get back with your husband. Sorta, kinda, maybe.

It might be a thick mist now, rather than an old fashioned pea souper fog, but you still seem to have trouble seeing where you are at. At least, from what you have just told us.


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## dopamineaddict

Fvstringpicker said:


> You may as well face it DA, the reason you left your husband for another man, told him you didn't love him and failed to see anything he was doing right is not a fog. You simply lost interest in him. The fact that you're now in "buyers remorse" doesn't mean you were blind to the husband's value. If things would have worked out with your new love, you wouldn't be talking about the fog. You'd be making plans to live happily every after with the new guy. You are where you are because you got snookered by the new guy and you want a soft place to return to.


I understand, and I agree that I screwed up majorly on this one. However, I honestly couldn't see my husband's value at the time. I could only see the negative things.


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## dopamineaddict

MattMatt said:


> You might want to try to make it with your lover, or maybe you might think about trying to get back with your husband. Sorta, kinda, maybe.
> 
> It might be a thick mist now, rather than an old fashioned pea souper fog, but you still seem to have trouble seeing where you are at. At least, from what you have just told us.


I honestly don't even want to attempt to stay with my AP any longer. I am just scared about talking to my husband and being rejected now. I hate the decisions I made and wish I could take them all back. I hate that I hurt my husband...


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## MattMatt

dopamineaddict said:


> I am trying to get away from him. My original plan was to get an apartment shortly, but I don't feel that is the right thing to do anymore.


I think this is what you need in your life, right now
Fog Horn Blast. - YouTube


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## bandit.45

Leave your husband alone, let him divorce you and let him find a woman who understands the meaning of respect and commitment. You obviously do not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt

dopamineaddict said:


> I honestly don't even want to attempt to stay with my AP any longer. I am just scared about talking to my husband and being rejected now. I hate the decisions I made and wish I could take them all back. I hate that I hurt my husband...


Then prove this by leaving your lover. (Yes, yes, I know, easy for me to say this...)


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## dopamineaddict

bandit.45 said:


> Leave your husband alone, let him divorce you and let him find a woman who understands the meaning of respect and commitment. You obviously do not.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are probably right. I should just leave him alone. Should I at least apologize to him, and tell him that all the hurtful things I said to him weren't true? I know he was going through a hard time for the first two weeks, but my best friend has told me that he seems to be pulling himself together now, and that he seems kind of happy again, and has started going out with friends and things lately...


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## dopamineaddict

MattMatt said:


> Then prove this by leaving your lover. (Yes, yes, I know, easy for me to say this...)


I'm looking for an apartment right now, and one of my friends said I could stay with her if I needed to. I just wanted to know if I should talk to my husband...


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## MattMatt

dopamineaddict said:


> I'm looking for an apartment right now, and one of my friends said I could stay with her if I needed to. I just wanted to know if I should talk to my husband...


That might help. Depends how badly he was hurt.


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## TBT

dopamineaddict said:


> I am trying to get away from him. My original plan was to get an apartment shortly, but I don't feel that is the right thing to do anymore.


Why,and can you think of no other options,such as family/friends if as you say you're really trying to get away from him? You really need to take some actions to put the proof to your words.


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## keko

dopamineaddict said:


> You are probably right. I should just leave him alone. Should I at least apologize to him, and tell him that all the hurtful things I said to him weren't true? I know he was going through a hard time for the first two weeks, but my best friend has told me that he seems to be pulling himself together now, and that he seems kind of happy again, and has started going out with friends and things lately...


Since you're still in the fog you wont actually mean it when you say you're sorry.


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## TBT

Late to the convo again.LOL-meaning me.


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## bandit.45

Does your family know of your affair?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dopamineaddict

TBT said:


> Why,and can you think of no other options,such as family/friends if as you say you're really trying to get away from him? You really need to take some actions to put the proof to your words.


I just wanted to talk to others who have gone through the same thing. I made a stupid decision before regarding my husband and the affair and i'm kind of scared to trust myself at the moment...it's hard to explain. I never thought I was capable of doing something like this.


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## dopamineaddict

TBT said:


> Why,and can you think of no other options,such as family/friends if as you say you're really trying to get away from him? You really need to take some actions to put the proof to your words.


I am also looking for an apartment possibly to regroup and think things through.


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## dopamineaddict

bandit.45 said:


> Does your family know of your affair?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My husband told everyone when I left. He said he was trying to work on our marriage, and knock me out of the fantasy or something like that. I hated him for that.


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## dopamineaddict

dopamineaddict said:


> My husband told everyone when I left. He said he was trying to work on our marriage, and knock me out of the fantasy or something like that. I hated him for that.


But, now I think it must have been hard for him to talk to people about this, because he is a very private person. I also think he needed support from friends and family... at least he said he did.


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## dopamineaddict

keko said:


> Since you're still in the fog you wont actually mean it when you say you're sorry.


Should I just get my own place to allow myself to get out of the fog, and then proceed from there. Should I text my husband to see how he's doing? He hasn't been calling or texting me and I am worried about him.


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## TBT

dopamineaddict said:


> I just wanted to talk to others who have gone through the same thing. I made a stupid decision before regarding my husband and the affair and i'm kind of scared to trust myself at the moment...it's hard to explain. I never thought I was capable of doing something like this.


You'll be no worse off.You're already seperated from H and all you'll be doing is leaving a situation you don't want to be in anyway.You'll still be able to get input from others here about your marriage.


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## Anymum

Exit OM's apartment and bed pronto, cut all contact with OM. Go stay with your friend or find a hotel. 

Return to you husband and tell him everything you just said here with an emphasis that OM is in the past. 

If H wishes to pursue the D that is something you can't change, but you can present him with the option of R as well. Do not expect a warm welcome, you may need more than one attempt with your H.

Right now, your H only believes that D is his only option. He has the right to choose a different path if you are truly willing. You have much work to do if that is the case.

Good Luck 
AM


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## dopamineaddict

Anymum said:


> Exit OM's apartment and bed pronto, cut all contact with OM. Go stay with your friend or find a hotel.
> 
> Return to you husband and tell him everything you just said here with an emphasis that OM is in the past.
> 
> If H wishes to pursue the D that is something you can't change, but you can present him with the option of R as well. Do not expect a warm welcome, you may need more than one attempt with your H.
> 
> Right now, your H only believes that D is his only option. He has the right to choose a different path if you are truly willing. You have much work to do if that is the case.
> 
> Good Luck
> AM


I'll call my friend now, and see if I can stay for a bit. I looked at some apartments yesterday ... I just have to pay the deposit etc and one of them that i'm interested is mine. My husband said I could take some things, so maybe I can see how he feels about things when I stop by to pick my things up...


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## keko

dopamineaddict said:


> Should I just get my own place to allow myself to get out of the fog, and then proceed from there. Should I text my husband to see how he's doing? He hasn't been calling or texting me and I am worried about him.


Yes, move out of your affair partners house ASAP. Never contact him again. Give yourself some time to think over what you did and why you did them. When you're ready to have a meaningful conversation with your husband ask him to have a coffee or at least a few minutes face to face.


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## MattMatt

dopamineaddict said:


> But, now I think it must have been hard for him to talk to people about this, because he is a very private person. I also think he needed support from friends and family... at least he said he did.


Of course he needed their support. Usually, he would have confided in his wife, lover and best friend, but guess what? "_Ladies and Gentlemen, doapmineaddict has left the building!_"

What did you expect? That he'd just sit at home and mope, listening to sad songs on the stereo and quietly and decently fade away, so as to cause the minimum amount of inconvenience?

He had to tell someone or he would have gone under.


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## ladybird

morituri said:


> There is no time table for when a DS/WS (disloyal spouse/wayward spouse) comes to his/her senses about the affair. The reason why you are no longer sure of your decision is because reality has intruded upon your fantasy based perception of the OM. Now that that you have been living with him, you see things about him that you were not aware of when the two of you were sneeking around. The rose colored glasses have come off and what you see is not better than what you left.
> 
> What do you want? Do you want to return to your husband? If this is the case then end your affair with the OM and start making small steps at opening a dialog with your husband to see if he still loves you and would be willing to give you another chance. Keep in mind though that if you are not truly remorseful for having betrayed him, then he may not want to take the risk of taking you back.


:iagree:


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## ladybird

The grass isn't always greener on the other side


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## dopamineaddict

MattMatt said:


> Of course he needed their support. Usually, he would have confided in his wife, lover and best friend, but guess what? "_Ladies and Gentlemen, doapmineaddict has left the building!_"
> 
> What did you expect? That he'd just sit at home and mope, listening to sad songs on the stereo and quietly and decently fade away, so as to cause the minimum amount of inconvenience?
> 
> He had to tell someone or he would have gone under.


Ouch. My best friend told me my husband's favorite new song is "Someone I used to Know," by Gotye so he has also started listening to sad music. I asked my best friend if my husband asks about me and she said that he did at first, but now he doesn't any more. She told me I was stupid for letting him go, and that some very lucky woman would get him, because women are looking for good guys, and my husbands a good guy. I was annoyed with her when she told me that. I just wanted her to be happy for me. Now I see she was actually being a real friend. My other friends have been pushing me toward the affair...but they don't really know my husband...


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## dopamineaddict

ladybird said:


> The grass isn't always greener on the other side


The grass on the other side is covered in bird droppings, and is dead. . .


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## dopamineaddict

dopamineaddict said:


> Ouch. My best friend told me my husband's favorite new song is "Someone I used to Know," by Gotye so he has also started listening to sad music. I asked my best friend if my husband asks about me and she said that he did at first, but now he doesn't any more. She told me I was stupid for letting him go, and that some very lucky woman would get him, because women are looking for good guys, and my husbands a good guy. I was annoyed with her when she told me that. I just wanted her to be happy for me. Now I see she was actually being a real friend. My other friends have been pushing me toward the affair...but they don't really know my husband...


What is also interesting is that my best friend and husband are hanging out a lot now. They always liked each other, but he would only see her once or twice a year. Now they see each other almost every day. It feels like my husband is stealing my best friend from me. LOL.


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## TBT

dopamineaddict said:


> My other friends have been pushing me toward the affair...but they don't really know my husband...


If you do get a chance at reconciliation then these will have to go.They're no friends of marriage.


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## Will_Kane

Tells husband more intimacy is needed ... husband working hard to support family, under a lot of financial pressure, forgets anniversary, apologizes profusely, which leads to ... wife's affair. You don't sound very stable.

The marriage vows say "for better or worse."

If this little blip of a problem caused you to have an affair, and "trade down" for your affair partner over your husband, and re-write marital history from a good marriage to a terrible marriage, what's going to happen when you really have a problem in your marriage?

Husband will have to walk on eggshells for the rest of his life for fear that, with one small slip-up, his dear wife will get mad, forget they had a good marriage, and run off and cheat with the first loser she finds.


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## Will_Kane

*It feels like my husband is stealing my best friend from me. LOL. *

Or vice versa.


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## keko

Ditch all those "friends" that supported your affair.


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## dopamineaddict

TBT said:


> If you do get a chance at reconciliation then these will have to go.They're no friends of marriage.


Yeah, that's going to be hard, but I have to realize they didn't have my best intention at heart I guess...


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## dopamineaddict

Will_Kane said:


> *It feels like my husband is stealing my best friend from me. LOL. *
> 
> Or vice versa.


I don't think that's it. My best friend has been dating a guy for five years. Husband and him are very close. Also, my best friend told me that my husband was interested in someone at work, was going to ask her out, but that he felt weird about it because he was still married to me. She also said he has been reading a lot and trying to improve himself and that he wanted to wait awhile before dating again (after the divorce maybe) to get his head on straight, fully get over our relationship, etc. He didn't want a rebound relationship, and he didn't want to potentially hurt anyone because he hasn't completely gotten over our relationship yet. She said that he read somewhere, that it take over a year to get over something like this, and he's willing to wait until the time is right.


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## dopamineaddict

Will_Kane said:


> Tells husband more intimacy is needed ... husband working hard to support family, under a lot of financial pressure, forgets anniversary, apologizes profusely, which leads to ... wife's affair. You don't sound very stable.
> 
> The marriage vows say "for better or worse."
> 
> If this little blip of a problem caused you to have an affair, and "trade down" for your affair partner over your husband, and re-write marital history from a good marriage to a terrible marriage, what's going to happen when you really have a problem in your marriage?
> 
> Husband will have to walk on eggshells for the rest of his life for fear that, with one small slip-up, his dear wife will get mad, forget they had a good marriage, and run off and cheat with the first loser she finds.


Ouch. The truth hurts sometimes. I agree, my thinking hasn't been very stable lately...


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## dopamineaddict

Will_Kane said:


> Tells husband more intimacy is needed ... husband working hard to support family, under a lot of financial pressure, forgets anniversary, apologizes profusely, which leads to ... wife's affair. You don't sound very stable.
> 
> The marriage vows say "for better or worse."
> 
> If this little blip of a problem caused you to have an affair, and "trade down" for your affair partner over your husband, and re-write marital history from a good marriage to a terrible marriage, what's going to happen when you really have a problem in your marriage?
> 
> Husband will have to walk on eggshells for the rest of his life for fear that, with one small slip-up, his dear wife will get mad, forget they had a good marriage, and run off and cheat with the first loser she finds.


I agree, the person I am cheating on is pathetic and lonely. He was left by his fiance about three years ago which really hurt him. My best friend said if he was any kind of person he would have learned from that hurt and wouldn't wanted to hurt anyone in the same way, but he didn't learn...

I am also a loser...


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## iheartlife

Some issues I see reading through your thread.

First, you say you started your EA due to low self-esteem. I'm wondering if you have a history of this from dating and before marriage, of leaving one relationship before it was really over to start a new one. Having an affair due to an emptiness inside you is a recipe for becoming a serial cheater. No other person can fill that emptiness. 

Rather than return to your husband or even calling him right now what I'd do is get my own apartment and start individual counseling (are you in counseling already?--sorry if I missed this).




dopamineaddict said:


> What is also interesting is that my best friend and husband are hanging out a lot now. They always liked each other, but he would only see her once or twice a year. Now they see each other almost every day. It feels like my husband is stealing my best friend from me. LOL.


This sounds like the main reason for your renewed interest in your husband. That, and living with your AP who sounds like less than an ideal guy. When looking for a future mate, FYI, your first tip-off that someone isn't an ideal life partner isn't whether they're a slob, listen to obnoxious music or are fat and bald; it's the fact that they'll get involved with a married person (ew).


----------



## MattMatt

dopamineaddict said:


> Ouch. My best friend told me my husband's favorite new song is "Someone I used to Know," by Gotye so he has also started listening to sad music. I asked my best friend if my husband asks about me and she said that he did at first, but now he doesn't any more. She told me I was stupid for letting him go, and that some very lucky woman would get him, because women are looking for good guys, and my husbands a good guy. I was annoyed with her when she told me that. I just wanted her to be happy for me. Now I see she was actually being a real friend. My other friends have been pushing me toward the affair...but they don't really know my husband...


Either they are not really your friends, or you infected them with your deadly fogging gun... If a person is only given certain edited bits of your story, then any advice they can offer is flawed at best and dangerous at worse.


----------



## dopamineaddict

iheartlife said:


> Some issues I see reading through your thread.
> 
> First, you say you started your EA due to low self-esteem. I'm wondering if you have a history of this from dating and before marriage, of leaving one relationship before it was really over to start a new one. Having an affair due to an emptiness inside you is a recipe for becoming a serial cheater. No other person can fill that emptiness.
> 
> Rather than return to your husband or even calling him right now what I'd do is get my own apartment and start individual counseling (are you in counseling already?--sorry if I missed this).
> 
> 
> 
> 
> This sounds like the main reason for your renewed interest in your husband. That, and living with your AP who sounds like less than an ideal guy. When looking for a future mate, FYI, your first tip-off that someone isn't an ideal life partner isn't whether they're a slob, listen to obnoxious music or are fat and bald; it's the fact that they'll get involved with a married person (ew).


I am not in any type of counseling and I haven't cheated before. I had one long term boyfriend, several short term ones, and my husband so far... and my affair partner. My husband was the only one that I ever truly loved. He really was my best friend, and he really did do a lot for me. I just couldn't see it at the time.


----------



## MattMatt

dopamineaddict said:


> What is also interesting is that my best friend and husband are hanging out a lot now. They always liked each other, but he would only see her once or twice a year. Now they see each other almost every day. It feels like my husband is stealing my best friend from me. LOL.


Oh. Is it possible it might be too late for a reconciliation? She did warn you that other woman would be going after him...


----------



## dopamineaddict

iheartlife said:


> Some issues I see reading through your thread.
> 
> First, you say you started your EA due to low self-esteem. I'm wondering if you have a history of this from dating and before marriage, of leaving one relationship before it was really over to start a new one. Having an affair due to an emptiness inside you is a recipe for becoming a serial cheater. No other person can fill that emptiness.
> 
> Rather than return to your husband or even calling him right now what I'd do is get my own apartment and start individual counseling (are you in counseling already?--sorry if I missed this).
> 
> 
> 
> 
> This sounds like the main reason for your renewed interest in your husband. That, and living with your AP who sounds like less than an ideal guy. When looking for a future mate, FYI, your first tip-off that someone isn't an ideal life partner isn't whether they're a slob, listen to obnoxious music or are fat and bald; it's the fact that they'll get involved with a married person (ew).



Also, I am not jealous of my best friend and husband hanging out. I just think he needed someone to talk to. She is in a long term relationship with a guy that my husband really likes and cares about. That is one of the great things about my husband, he really does love his friends.


----------



## dopamineaddict

MattMatt said:


> Either they are not really your friends, or you infected them with your deadly fogging gun... If a person is only given certain edited bits of your story, then any advice they can offer is flawed at best and dangerous at worse.


I know. I painted a pretty terrible picture of my husband.


----------



## dopamineaddict

MattMatt said:


> Oh. Is it possible it might be too late for a reconciliation? She did warn you that other woman would be going after him...


No, they are like brother and sister. That is what their relationship is like. And again, my husband really cares for and is friends with her boyfriend.


----------



## MattMatt

dopamineaddict said:


> I agree, the person I am cheating on is pathetic and lonely. He was left by his fiance about three years ago which really hurt him. My best friend said if he was any kind of person he would have learned from that hurt and wouldn't wanted to hurt anyone in the same way, but he didn't learn...
> 
> I am also a loser...


He learned a lesson. People cheat. So why shouldn't he?


----------



## MattMatt

dopamineaddict said:


> No, they are like brother and sister. That is what their relationship is like. And again, my husband really cares for and is friends with her boyfriend.


I do hope so.


----------



## dopamineaddict

MattMatt said:


> He learned a lesson. People cheat. So why shouldn't he?


She didn't cheat on him. At least he never said she did. He just said that she ended the engagement for reasons unknown and broke his heart...


----------



## dopamineaddict

I'm packing and leaving before he gets home from work... he gets really upset sometimes.


----------



## dopamineaddict

MattMatt said:


> I do hope so.


I also didn't want to tell my best friend about the affair, because she has always been completely against them. She wouldn't cheat on her boyfriend...


----------



## TBT

dopamineaddict said:


> He was left by his fiance about three years ago which really hurt him.


Or so the cheater seeing a potential affair partner says.Did you believe everything he told you?


----------



## bandit.45

dopamineaddict said:


> Should I just get my own place to allow myself to get out of the fog, and then proceed from there. Should I text my husband to see how he's doing? He hasn't been calling or texting me and I am worried about him.


Your husband is doing exactly what he should be doing: letting you crash and burn like you deserve. If he chased you around begging you to come back you would lose what little respect you have left for him.


----------



## dopamineaddict

TBT said:


> Or so the cheater seeing a potential affair partner says.Did you believe everything he told you?


Yes, I believed everything he told me...


----------



## TorontoBoyWest

Consequences suck don't they?

Leave your H alone. For awhile at least, hopefully for his sake forever. IMO you still have no clue how selfish you are.


----------



## Will_Kane

*I agree, the person I am cheating on is pathetic and lonely. He was left by his fiance about three years ago which really hurt him. My best friend said if he was any kind of person he would have learned from that hurt and wouldn't wanted to hurt anyone in the same way, but he didn't learn...

I am also a loser... *

You are out of the fog. Cheaters who are still in the fog always find something good to say about the other man.

How much of wanting your husband back coincides with:

(1) you finding out that he is no longer pining away for you, he is moving on without you and, thus, he can no longer be your backup plan to go back to in case things with the other man don't work out (it must have been very comforting for you that while you initially were with the other man, you felt that your husband would take you back if you decided to return; unfortunately for you, that situation changed with the passage of time)

vs.

(2) you realizing that your husband is actually the better choice over the other man

vs

(3) you truly do love your husband, not just that you realize he is better than the other man


----------



## morituri

dopamineaddict said:


> I don't think that's it. My best friend has been dating a guy for five years. Husband and him are very close. Also, my best friend told me that my husband was interested in someone at work, was going to ask her out, but that he felt weird about it because he was still married to me. She also said he has been reading a lot and trying to improve himself and that he wanted to wait awhile before dating again (after the divorce maybe) to get his head on straight, fully get over our relationship, etc. He didn't want a rebound relationship, and he didn't want to potentially hurt anyone because he hasn't completely gotten over our relationship yet. She said that he read somewhere, that it take over a year to get over something like this, and he's willing to wait until the time is right.


I can relate to this because after I divorced my ex-wife because of her affair, I could not even contemplate the idea of being with a woman again. But after a year and some persuasion from my children and friends, I started dating and found a special lady with whom I clicked in more ways than I ever did with my ex-wife. We're still together.


----------



## WakeUpWS

Dopeamineaddict,


I was were you are at a year ago. It does take a while to come out of the fog. I suppose each person is different. For me, several months - and that was during our reconciliation. I had to live with the burden of the fog, as well as the pain I caused my wife well, even to this day.

The fog has lifted. The pain is still there. The memories, the feelings, all the confusion of the fog - still frightfully present. When I first confessed to my wife of my affair, I only had logic to rely on that the fog was an illusion. I still felt for my AP, I still wondered if I had made a mistake in confessing instead of running off with the AP...but it all came clear after the fog lifted.

In the reverse, while I was in the fog, I knew that if I had ended it, I would have missed my wife. I would have trashed my life for what? A fantasy?

Because, that's what the fog is: fantasy.

Just like you, I started to see the cracks in the foundation of my AP: she didn't like the music I liked - she just pretended to. I don't even think she likes music. She would tell me my daughter would be alright through a divorce and I would think, "How the 'F' do you know?" I had a startling realization while separated from my wife and before I confessed my affair that 'I have my AP person now, but what next?' I mean, really...what was the point of all this again? Was the AP really an equal or better than my wife? HELL NO! She too was a trade-down. I realized I was the problem, not my wife. And I knew, no matter where I went (or with whom I went), I...in all my disgustingly shameful behavior and actions, I WAS THERE. I knew running from my marriage would doom me - AP or not.

So, what I'm trying to get across is right now, you really need to listen to your internal reasoning - cut the emotional crap. Think very hard about what you will miss of your husband, your family, and your friends. Yes, you will lose much more than just your husband. The ripple effect rides far further than you expect. You're caught up in your selfish fantasy, confused, in pain to see what and who you're really hurting.

Unlike you though, I returned after five weeks before my wife knew what was truly wrong. I confessed my affair. The moment I confessed, a huge weight was lifted (and then unfortunately foisted upon my wife) and then the true horror of what I'd done came to light.

If you want your husband back, you need to tell him. Of course, his acceptance of reconciliation is COMPLETELY his choice and you must accept his decision. However, he too (and probably is) in a fog of his own. He probably sees your whole relationship as a farce. A big lie. An illusion. He will be entering into his own dark period soon, if he chooses to take you back. And, this is also part of your burden now: watching him suffer. YOU DID THIS! Accept it.

He will say things out of anger and pain which he probably doesn't mean. Accept it. He will swing wildly from wanting to forget it all happened and be happy again, to terribly depressed where nothing will ever be the same again. Accept it.

Your mission, if your husband chooses to accept R, is to do a thorough soul search. You must know why you did this. You must know how you got to a point of falling so low. You must be honest with yourself. You must be honest with your husband. And, get your a$$ into counseling, pronto! Yes, it costs money, but it's cheaper than divorce and it will help both of you see and deal with the reality of your situation.

My wife have been in counseling every week for over a year now. I have come to the root of my issues. I also attend weekly Alanon meetings. I talk to my wife about my emotional state now. I didn't before. And even after a year, there are those triggers, those moments where she's asking once again, 'how could you?' I ask myself daily as well.

Find a higher power. Find God, in any form you wish to see Him. You are out of control and you need help. Surrender to the fact that you have defects you wish God's help to remove. Get to know yourself better - for you. Your husband will also benefit with a more authentic you.

In all of this, if your explanations start with "you", as in referring to your husband, you're going down the wrong path. This is all you. You need to own this now. You need to accept the consequences. Rebuild your honor and dignity by lifting your head, and to all those you've hurt through this, say "I did this. I was wrong. Forgive me." and accept whatever comes your way.

Yes, you did wrong. You betrayed your husband. But for yourself, hold your head up and be accountable. At least, if you can look everyone in the eyes admitting to what you have done, you can reclaim a bit of honor for yourself.

I do wish you well. Open your eyes. Wake up!

I wrote a song and made a video for my wife explaining myself. I hope you find some light at the end of the tunnel.

Sleepwalking - The Advisors - YouTube


----------



## Halien

Just my opinion here. Because of the nature of your thread, you put a lot of emphasis on how good your husband was, or how he didn't meet your needs while his job was busy, but you don't talk about how you were as a wife before you did what you did to him. Again, that's not what this thread is about, so its understandable. But if you want to eventually win him back, it might be worthwhile to really look yourself in the mirror, and tell him about what you learned through this about yourself. Did you value his needs as highly as your own? Did you give him the benefit of the doubt as a human when he stumbled as a husband? Did you see that your own happiness was something you owned, requiring you to go the extra mile in helping him learn how to meet those needs? Can he ever come to the place where he can really feel like a marriage to you was worth it all, or will he always be looking back, realizing that his one shot of a great lifetime of marriage "just wasn't in the cards"?

I don't mean for this to come across as disrespectful, but when you describe how he has responded to what you did, his philosophical view of it, and the music, he sounds like someone who believed in things that are bigger than life, like the dream of marriage, and how two imperfect people can navigate it together. Unless I'm missing it completely, I'd recommend really stressing these intangible, hard to define dreams that you want to build with him if he gives you another chance. Mean it. It seems like you are focusing more on how you felt at a time in moment, and that is not what he will want to hear. He may need something permanent to grab ahold of if you make your change of heart known. Show him how you want him to live the rest of his life feeling like he is never alone, and you might touch on some strong feelings within him. With the way he initially responded, he sounds like someone who made a permanent decision when he made you leave. Speak the same language, if this makes any sense.


----------



## morituri

I truly hope that DA is packing her stuff and leaving the OM for good. If there is any hope for her to become a better person, it won't be living with the OM or staying in contact with her affair enabling so called friends.


----------



## TorontoBoyWest

morituri said:


> I truly hope that DA is packing her stuff and leaving the OM for good. If there is any hope for her to become a better person, it won't be living with the OM or staying in contact with her affair enabling so called friends.


Mori I respect you alot but you do know who she is sleeping with tonite right?

We can make all the sense in the world to her... she aint leaving one until she is assured of another.


----------



## bandit.45

Yep. She's a tree monkey.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07

Yeah, one more classic case of the woman cheating on her nice guy H with a trashy biker "bad boy" with tattoos who listens to Godsmack. You traded down big time. How did you meet and fall for this clown? You are even scared that he would be upset and move before he comes back ? How did you not realize for a second what you were doing? If you are not happy, there is a decent way to end relationships. 

Can you give a timeline of the affair?

Go live single for sometime before you even think about possible reconciliation.


----------



## dopamineaddict

morituri said:


> I truly hope that DA is packing her stuff and leaving the OM for good. If there is any hope for her to become a better person, it won't be living with the OM or staying in contact with her affair enabling so called friends.


It didn't take me long to leave. I just had some clothes and my dog. I'm at my bf's house now. Just had an interesting conversation with her. I think I am addicted to this message board now though.


----------



## dopamineaddict

warlock07 said:


> Yeah, one more classic case of the woman cheating on her nice guy H with a trashy biker "bad boy" with tattoos who listens to Godsmack. You traded down big time. How did you meet and fall for this clown? You are even scared that he would be upset and move before he comes back ? How did you not realize for a second what you were doing? If you are not happy, there is a decent way to end relationships.
> 
> Can you give a timeline of the affair?
> 
> Go live single for sometime before you even think about possible reconciliation.


I met him through my friends that were pushing for the affair. They all like him and think he's a good guy...


----------



## dopamineaddict

Halien said:


> Just my opinion here. Because of the nature of your thread, you put a lot of emphasis on how good your husband was, or how he didn't meet your needs while his job was busy, but you don't talk about how you were as a wife before you did what you did to him. Again, that's not what this thread is about, so its understandable. But if you want to eventually win him back, it might be worthwhile to really look yourself in the mirror, and tell him about what you learned through this about yourself. Did you value his needs as highly as your own? Did you give him the benefit of the doubt as a human when he stumbled as a husband? Did you see that your own happiness was something you owned, requiring you to go the extra mile in helping him learn how to meet those needs? Can he ever come to the place where he can really feel like a marriage to you was worth it all, or will he always be looking back, realizing that his one shot of a great lifetime of marriage "just wasn't in the cards"?
> 
> I don't mean for this to come across as disrespectful, but when you describe how he has responded to what you did, his philosophical view of it, and the music, he sounds like someone who believed in things that are bigger than life, like the dream of marriage, and how two imperfect people can navigate it together. Unless I'm missing it completely, I'd recommend really stressing these intangible, hard to define dreams that you want to build with him if he gives you another chance. Mean it. It seems like you are focusing more on how you felt at a time in moment, and that is not what he will want to hear. He may need something permanent to grab ahold of if you make your change of heart known. Show him how you want him to live the rest of his life feeling like he is never alone, and you might touch on some strong feelings within him. With the way he initially responded, he sounds like someone who made a permanent decision when he made you leave. Speak the same language, if this makes any sense.


Good advice. I was just talking to my bf, and she told me some things that my husband told her. They were both just sitting back waiting for a train wreck, but they both came to the conclusion that it would be about six months before the train wreck happened. They could both see that my AP and I were not compatible. They have a nickname for him... "****-boy." She says my husband hasn't come up with a nickname for me, but I would deserve it if he did...


----------



## Acabado

Thak's God you left.
Write a NC text, look for a template.
Maybe you should '' inform'' your best friend about everything you are telling us here.


----------



## warlock07

Apologize to him but ask to come back yet.


----------



## dopamineaddict

warlock07 said:


> Yeah, one more classic case of the woman cheating on her nice guy H with a trashy biker "bad boy" with tattoos who listens to Godsmack. You traded down big time. How did you meet and fall for this clown? You are even scared that he would be upset and move before he comes back ? How did you not realize for a second what you were doing? If you are not happy, there is a decent way to end relationships.
> 
> Can you give a timeline of the affair?
> 
> Go live single for sometime before you even think about possible reconciliation.


I met him in January while hanging out with some friends from work. We started talking, and I enjoyed the attention he gave me. We hung out a bit after that. I would tell my husband I was hanging out with one of my other girl friends from work because she agreed to cover for me. 

In March it became a physical affair. 

My husband found out in early may and after I decided I wanted to be with AP, he kicked me out of the house. Told me to leave and he would start divorce proceedings...


----------



## dopamineaddict

Acabado said:


> Thak's God you left.
> Write a NC text, look for a template.
> Maybe you should '' inform'' your best friend about everything you are telling us here.


My best friend has been reading over my shoulder... she'll get caught up soon...


----------



## Acabado

You will need a huge amount of effort to convince him you want back because you got lost and you love him, not because OM was the loser he already knew he was.
Make NO EXCUSES, there are not.


----------



## warlock07

So your marriage ended in your mind while going through the PA? 3 months in, you decide to leave a long term relationship without giving him a chance?

And now, you see the faults in the OM only after living with him for 20 days ? Talk about a reality slap. It couldn't come faster than this.

This might be a little explicit but did you do stuff with the OM that you never did/offered. This seems to be a common theme with cheating wives here and I wouldn't be surprised if you did. I ask because that is just adds another layer of betrayal.

And how old are you guys?(OM, you, H). Any kids?


----------



## dopamineaddict

warlock07 said:


> So your marriage ended in your mind while going through the PA?
> Only now, you see the faults in the OM only after living with him for 20 days ? Talk about a reality slap.
> 
> This might be a little explicit but did you do stuff with the OM that you never did/offered. This seems to be a common theme with cheating wives here and I wouldn't be surprised if you did. I ask because that is just adds another layer of betrayal.
> 
> And how old are you guys?(OM, you, H). Any kids?


No. I didn't do things with my AP that I haven't done with my husband. I think I actually preferred the attention that my AP gave to me, and that being with him actually made me feel special, because he looked up to me. My husband and I were equals, but AP really looked up to me...at first at least. Then I found out about his temper. 

Husband and I are both 33 years old. AP is 30 years old. No kids. Just three dogs. I took one of them and left the other two with my husband. I just found out from my friend that my husband made me take the dog because she is old and incontinent, and he thought that having a dog make a mess on the floor of AP's house would cause some tension and knock us out of our fantasy. It actually worked. It caused several arguments between us. Husband is smart... BF just laughs about it... Hmmm... She laughs about it because they both came up with the idea while out drinking. She didn't think he would actually do it, but he did...


----------



## dopamineaddict

My BF just informed me that my husband said he was sick and tired of fighting for me. He wanted someone to fight for him for a change. If you knew our relationship, he has done some fighting for me throughout. Early in our relationship he drove 1500 miles in 26 hours (with a three hour stop at a hotel) just to be with me. I think I missed that from our relationship...


----------



## warlock07

> Then I found out about his temper.


Well, you moved in with him and he lost respect. I wonder why?

And what was the moment that made you realize the mving in with AP was a bad idea? 
Were you guys arguing a lot? 


And can you afford to move out to a single apartment?


----------



## warlock07

dopamineaddict said:


> My BF just informed me that my husband said he was sick and tired of fighting for me. He wanted someone to fight for him for a change. If you knew our relationship, he has done some fighting for me throughout. Early in our relationship he drove 1500 miles in 26 hours (with a three hour stop at a hotel) just to be with me. I think I missed that from our relationship...



Someone said entitlement. They were right. You took your bf for granted for far too long. Give him a reason to take you back if he wants to. Right now, he has none. In his mind, he is the second choice you will be coming back to, since the AP did not work out


----------



## iheartlife

warlock07 said:


> Go live single for sometime before you even think about possible reconciliation.


Can we bronze that?


----------



## dopamineaddict

warlock07 said:


> Well, you moved in with him and he lost respect. I wonder why?
> 
> And what was the moment that made you realize the mving in with AP was a bad idea?
> Were you guys arguing a lot?
> 
> 
> And can you afford to move out to a single apartment?


I can afford to move into an apartment. I knew things with my AP wouldn't work out when I met some of his friends, and he took me to a biker bar, and when I was trying to relax and read and he started listening to Godsmack and Slipknot and he started headbanging with his tongue sticking out... he looked like an ass... He also started ignoring me and playing some video game on his Xbox all the time.


----------



## morituri

> Husband and I are both 33 years old. AP is 30 years old. No kids. Just three dogs. I took one of them and left the other two with my husband. I just found out from my friend that my husband made me take the dog because she is old and incontinent, and he thought that having a dog make a mess on the floor of AP's house would cause some tension and knock us out of our fantasy. It actually worked. It caused several arguments between us. Husband is smart... BF just laughs about it... Hmmm... She laughs about it because they both came up with the idea while out drinking. She didn't think he would actually do it, but he did..


:lol::rofl::lol::rofl:

The pooch killed the affair. Love it. :rofl:


----------



## cheese puff

also drop your friends they are not good people. they get enjoyment out of seeing your marriage fail. i dont think that is a friend. i know when my WW had a A, she had what i call a cheerleading squad on the sidelines cheering her in to OM arms.I had a hard time getting her to drop her friends, just as you have seen your AP true colors. once you dumb him for good they will start talking bad about you also. that is the reason they cheered you toward the OM so they can talk crap about you.my wife did not want to give up her friends. i told her pick your scum friends or pic your kids its your choice not the kids. the kids want there mom so they can have a happy family. your friends want to destroy your childrens dreams and hopes.


----------



## warlock07

> I was trying to relax and read and he started listening to Godsmack and Slipknot and he started headbanging with his tongue sticking out... he looked like an ass... He also started ignoring me and playing some video game on his Xbox all the time.


This is hilarious!!



> I think I missed that from our relationship...


Good luck in your future relationships then.


----------



## dopamineaddict

morituri said:


> :lol::rofl::lol::rofl:
> 
> The pooch killed the affair. Love it. :rofl:


Yeah. My husband loves her. He never got upset at her when she had an accident in the middle of the night. He would just get up and clean it and tell her it was okay... :-/


----------



## warlock07

dopamineaddict said:


> Yeah. My husband loves her. He never got upset at her when she had an accident in the middle of the night. He would just get up and clean it and tell her it was okay... :-/


How could you leave such a man?


----------



## calvin

dopamineaddict said:


> To people who had affairs and left your significant other for the affair partner; how long were you in your fog? I used to think of my affair partner as perfect. I left my husband of seven years for him about three weeks ago. I blamed my husband for our marriage falling apart, I told him I didn't love him anymore, and hurt him tremendously. I am now starting to see my affair partner for who he is, and realize that it was my husband all along who I was in love with. Is three weeks to short of a time to come out of the fog? Should I see if things work out with my affair partner before making any further decisions, or should I go back to my husband and try to work on our marriage? Will my husband even take me back?
> 
> To spouses hurt by your significant other having an affair, how long was it before your wayward spouse started coming out of the affair fog?


she was forever
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dopamineaddict

warlock07 said:


> How could you leave such a man?


I was being stupid and selfish and didn't think about things like that. In my mind, for some reason, I felt like he didn't love me. He didn't show it enough or tell me enough. I don't know I can't explain it. It's like I became completely blind to how amazing he truly is as a person. When I left I told him that I loved him, but was no longer in love with him, that our marriage was over, but that he was a good person and was a good husband. He told me that made no sense at all. I can see now...he was right...


----------



## bandit.45

warlock07 said:


> How could you leave such a man?


Good guys are easy to leave.


----------



## dopamineaddict

calvin said:


> she was forever
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your affair partner was forever?


----------



## warlock07

dopamineaddict said:


> I was being stupid and selfish and didn't think about things like that. In my mind, for some reason, I felt like he didn't love me. He didn't show it enough or tell me enough. I don't know I can't explain it. It's like I became completely blind to how amazing he truly is as a person. When I left I told him that I loved him, but was no longer in love with him, that our marriage was over, but that he was a good person and was a good husband. He told me that made no sense at all. I can see now...he was right...


Why should it be any different now?

Length of your marriage and your relationship?

edit: Just looked at it. 7 years. The 7 year itch strikes again


----------



## dopamineaddict

warlock07 said:


> Why should it be any different now?
> 
> Length of your marriage and your relationship?


Together 9 years, married for 7. I think I have learned from my mistake. I literally feel sick to my stomach for what I have done. BF has told me that my husband has started smoking again. He smoked for 10 years, and quit for about 4...now he is smoking again. She said he was having panic attacks because he wanted to talk to me, but he decided he wouldn't contact me for anything -- but she was there to talk him down. She agreed with no contact. 

He works as an RN at a nursing home, and he used to talk to me about his day, but he couldn't anymore so he needed to talk to someone so he would talk to my BF and mother. He recently lost one of his patients and took it very hard. She also told me that she has heard that several RN's know what's going on and are persuing him, but he really isn't interested because his head and heart aren't in the right place right now...

She said he was mad because it felt like the weight of the world was put on his shoulders. Taking care of the house, dogs, work, dealing with pending divorce, etc. while I was out "frolicking is a fantasy world."


----------



## bandit.45

Do you have any conception what you did to your husband?

Do you even have the slightest clue as to the horrifying images of you f*cking another man....again...and again...and again, over and over in his mind every moment of the day. At night while you were in bed with that piece of human excrement, gleefully banging away, your husband was laying in his bed tossing and turning with those images burning through his heart and mind?

Do realise how you have destroyed your husband's sense of his own manhood.... when the one person he loved most, who he treasured and thought of as his best friend on earth, turned around and stabbed him in the back?

Do you ever stop to think that he feels like a failure as a man and husband because of what you selfishly did?

Do you ever stop to think about anything?


----------



## dopamineaddict

bandit.45 said:


> Do you have any conception what you did to your husband?
> 
> Do you even have the slightest clue as to the horrifying images of you f*cking another man....again...and again...and again, over and over in his mind every moment of the day. At night while you were in bed with that piece of human excrement, gleefully banging away, your husband was laying in his bed tossing and turning with those images burning through his heart and mind?
> 
> Do realise how you have destroyed your husband's sense of his own manhood.... when the one person he loved most, who he treasured and thought of as his best friend on earth, turned around and stabbed him in the back?
> 
> Do you ever stop to think that he feels like a failure as a man and husband because of what you selfishly did?
> 
> Do you ever stop to think about anything?


My BF has told me that. I can't believe I did that to him. She said that he told her it completely ripped him apart, and that he was slowly picking up the pieces and becoming a different person that he was before. She said he has changed in some way, but she can't explain it. More cynical about things. He asked her why he cared so much about people, including the people at the nursing home. He doesn't want to care anymore. He doesn't want to feel anything. He has also started drinking heavily. Missed a couple days of work...

I know, I am a piece of **** for what I did.


----------



## dopamineaddict

My BF just told me that my husband laughs and smiles and jokes, but his eyes are dead... She says that she thinks somehow I killed his soul.


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## bandit.45

My advice is to give your husband the divorce, and make sure he gets everything of value. Take nothing for yourself. 

Then, you need to stay celibate for the next ten years until you grow up, learn to be self-validating, can handle a long term relationship and actually be a wife to someone.

During this celibacy period, take four or five of those flashing traffic pylons with you wherever you go and set them up around you in a circle, so that no man can unwittingly get close to you and risk emasculation. 

You are a man-hazard.


----------



## warlock07

That is a bit extreme bandit.


----------



## TorontoBoyWest

dopamineaddict said:


> My BF has told me that. I can't believe I did that to him. She said that he told her it completely ripped him apart, and that he was slowly picking up the pieces and becoming a different person that he was before. *She said he has changed in some way, but she can't explain it. * More cynical about things. He asked her why he cared so much about people, including the people at the nursing home. He doesn't want to care anymore. He doesn't want to feel anything. He has also started drinking heavily. Missed a couple days of work...
> 
> I know, I am a piece of **** for what I did.


This is going to sound really trite, and maybe a tad melodramatic...


You killed him. His innocence. The man that you fell in love with and married?


You killed him. 


That. That is what you did too him.


----------



## cheese puff

dopamineaddict said:


> My BF just told me that my husband laughs and smiles and jokes, but his eyes are dead...





dopamineaddict said:


> He asked her why he cared so much about people, including the people at the nursing home. He doesn't want to care anymore. He doesn't want to feel anything. He has also started drinking heavily. Missed a couple days of work......


u seem to get enjoyment out of your husband world crashing and the most life changing moment in his life.


----------



## TorontoBoyWest

bandit.45 said:


> My advice is to give your husband the divorce, and make sure he gets everything of value. Take nothing for yourself.
> 
> Then, you need to stay celibate for the next ten years until you grow up, learn to be self-validating, can handle a long term relationship and actually be a wife to someone.
> 
> During this celibacy period, take four or five of those flashing traffic pylons with you wherever you go and set them up around you in a circle, so that no man can unwittingly get close to you and risk emasculation.
> 
> You are a man-hazard.



Bandit you need to take a deep breath my friend.

You are getting wound up again.


----------



## dopamineaddict

cheese puff said:


> u seem to get enjoyment out of your husband world crashing and the most life changing moment in his life.


No. I'm no enjoying it... I never thought about the consequences of my actions.


----------



## TorontoBoyWest

dopamineaddict said:


> My BF just told me that my husband laughs and smiles and jokes, but his eyes are dead... She says that she thinks somehow I killed his soul.


My above post.

Your BF is right.

You did.

Sucks eh?


----------



## dopamineaddict

BF told me something she said she shouldn't. He was out with her and other friends. They were badmouthing me, except for my husband. He told them to cut it out, because it was just making him angry and didn't make him feel better. He then said that he thought we were going to be a When Harry Met Sally Couple. That "****-Boy" was just a stupid note in the margins that didn't really matter. I think BF sees how horrible I feel and was trying to give me some hope! Do you think it really means anything?

She also laughed at me when I told her about Godsmack. Husband knew AP listens to Godsmack. BF and my husband were both looking at his FB page (the part available to everybody) and saw that he liked Godsmack and they were laughing about it and texting each other for hours about it. He even told her "Wait until he starts headbanging to Godsmack." How could he see all this and I couldn't? He doesn't even know AP!


----------



## TBT

What does your bf think of your chances of R? Does she honestly think your H would be receptive? She must have an inkling at least on where he stands.


----------



## TorontoBoyWest

dopamineaddict said:


> BF told me something she said she shouldn't. He was out with her and other friends. They were badmouthing me, except for my husband. He told them to cut it out, because it was just making him angry and didn't make him feel better. He then said that he thought we were going to be a When Harry Met Sally Couple. That "****-Boy" was just a stupid note in the margins that didn't really matter. I think BF sees how horrible I feel and was trying to give me some hope! Do you think it really means anything?


Do you really think that now is a good time to worry about that?

Don't you have a little self-discovery on your honey-do list first?


----------



## bandit.45

warlock07 said:


> That is a bit extreme bandit.


Don't care.


----------



## Complexity

dopamineaddict you seriously need to grow up. You're a 30 old woman but you have this sense of entitlement of a princess and it's incredibly off putting. You need to mature and stop thinking the world revolves around you and your feelings otherwise the next time you get a little lonely and your husband isn't slobbering at your feet, you'll do the exact same thing again.


----------



## WakeUpWS

dopamineaddict said:


> I was being stupid and selfish and didn't think about things like that. In my mind, for some reason, I felt like he didn't love me. He didn't show it enough or tell me enough. I don't know I can't explain it. It's like I became completely blind to how amazing he truly is as a person. When I left I told him that I loved him, but was no longer in love with him, that our marriage was over, but that he was a good person and was a good husband. He told me that made no sense at all. I can see now...he was right...


Exactly! That's exactly the way I felt. I was so wrong.

The flip side to this thought is that you fell to a point where you didn't think you were worthy of such a partner. That's why you traded down.

Isn't this just a hideous state of mind? That's what I realize happened to me. Thank God she's really all that, and is working it out with me.


----------



## dopamineaddict

TBT said:


> What does your bf think of your chances of R? Does she honestly think your H would be receptive? She must have an inkling at least on where he stands.


She says she thinks he would be receptive to R if I talked to him after AP has been out of the picture for awhile before talking to him. She said that he has read, and knows the statistics about affairs. He also knows how hard it is for someone to get over an affair partner and he doesn't really feel like dealing with that right now. I would have to get over AP without him. But, I already despise AP...

She also says, she thinks I would have to fight for him, because he has said he was tired fighting for me. He wanted someone to fight for him for a change...

I also told my husband that I wanted to be with AP because I thought he was my soul-mate. How could I be so stupid and blind. My husband told my BF that soul-mates are not found...they are made.


----------



## dopamineaddict

Complexity said:


> dopamineaddict you seriously need to grow up. You're a 30 old woman but you have this sense of entitlement of a princess and it's incredibly off putting. You need to mature and stop thinking the world revolves around you and your feelings otherwise the next time you get a little lonely and your husband isn't slobbering at your feet, you'll do the exact same thing again.


I'm never doing this again.


----------



## dopamineaddict

WakeUpWS said:


> Exactly! That's exactly the way I felt. I was so wrong.
> 
> The flip side to this thought is that you fell to a point where you didn't think you were worthy of such a partner. That's why you traded down.
> 
> Isn't this just a hideous state of mind? That's what I realize happened to me. Thank God she's really all that, and is working it out with me.


Thank you. You give me hope that my husband will maybe try to reconcile with me.


----------



## bandit.45

Complexity said:


> dopamineaddict you seriously need to grow up. You're a 30 old woman but you have this sense of entitlement of a princess and it's incredibly off putting. You need to mature and stop thinking the world revolves around you and your feelings otherwise the next time you get a little lonely and your husband isn't slobbering at your feet, you'll do the exact same thing again.


:iagree:


Preach on preacher.


----------



## dopamineaddict

My best friend and I are coming up with ways for me to show my husband I truly messed up, that I truly do love him, and that he isn't my second choice. He has always been the one for me, I was just blind. I am GOING TO FIGHT FOR HIM DAMN IT! Sorry, BF is pumping me up. She said she hoped that we would get back together because we were always perfect for each other.


----------



## Complexity

dopamineaddict said:


> I'm never doing this again.


If a guy in a couple of weeks can wipe out the 7 years of love and devotion your husband gave you, I wouldn't be too certain dopamine


----------



## bandit.45

Complexity said:


> If a guy in a couple of weeks can wipe out the 7 years of love and devotion your husband gave you, I wouldn't be too certain dopamine


You're on top of it tonight Comp.


----------



## bandit.45

Women want bad boys to father their children and nice guys to raise them.

"Bad Boy, Bad Boy, whatcha gonna do? Watcha gonna do when she comes for you? Bad Boy, Bad Boy.....

:rofl:


----------



## Complexity

bandit.45 said:


> You're on top of it tonight Comp.


I've ran into women like dopamine all my life. It's like they're frozen in time, back to their high school days or something. They have this very naive conception of the world and consequently think it revolves around them. I just hope if her husband does take her back, she wouldn't be so selfish and expectant of him.


----------



## Lon

DA, what is it you want to do now, what is your plan, are you asking for advice here?


----------



## dopamineaddict

Complexity said:


> If a guy in a couple of weeks can wipe out the 7 years of love and devotion your husband gave you, I wouldn't be too certain dopamine


I am only human. Human's make mistakes. Mine was particularly huge! I have learned from mine. Now, I just have to move on and become a better person.


----------



## dopamineaddict

Lon said:


> DA, what is it you want to do now, what is your plan, are you asking for advice here?


Yes, I am asking for advice. How should I fight for my husband? BF and I are coming up with some ideas.


----------



## bandit.45

dopamineaddict said:


> I am only human. Human's make mistakes. Mine was particularly huge! I have learned from mine. Now, I just have to move on and become a better person.


No!

Not a mistake. Grabbing an XL shirt off the rack instead of a size L shirt is a mistake. 

You made a cold, calculated, premeditated *decision* to turn away from a loving husband and give your body and heart to an undeserving sh*tbag. 

Until you OWN that reality, you are dooming yourself to make the same stupid, selfish decision to cheat again.


----------



## bandit.45

dopamineaddict said:


> Yes, I am asking for advice. How should I fight for my husband? BF and I are coming up with some ideas.


Hire a mariachi band and serenade him beneath his bedroom window.

Sigh.... f*cking A.......

You cannot "fight" to get him back. Be contrite, be remorseful and tell him you f*cked up and that you will work your a*s off the rest of his life to prove to him you are worth a second chance. But don't expect him to ever be the same again. 

And get your a*s in counseling to figure out why you are so self destructive.


----------



## Acabado

Forward him the NC text (please, short and to the point).
Get rid of any toxic friend, specially enablers and coverers.
Send him and apology email; don't screw up this making it about you, google how to apologize properly and do it from the bottom of your heart. Tell him where you are and what are you going to do (IC?).

Purchase Not just friends, by Shirly Glass and the 5 love languages.

Some insight into BSs.

*Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners*. 
The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand. 

*YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT*. 
They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible. 

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent? 

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?” 
The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse? 
Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.) 
But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery. 
So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts: 
What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event. 

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal. 

You can be a positive influence on their recovery. 
Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue. 
Your first mission is to learn. 
Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through 
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time. 
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.” 
Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly. 
*SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTION*S 
*DISBELIEF*: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.) 
*SHOCK*: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives. 
*REALITY*: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help. 
*CONFUSION*: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.) 
*PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS*: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.” 
*CRYING*: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.) 
*SELF-CONTROL*: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial. 
*NEED TO KNOW*: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it. 
Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful. 
*WHY*: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again. 
*INJUSTICE*: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.” 
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?” 
A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.) 
*INADEQUACY*: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more. 
*REPEATING*: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again. 
*IDEALIZING*: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner. 
*FRUSTRATION*: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others. 
*BITTERNESS*: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal. 
*WAITING*: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life. 
*EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT*: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking. 
*TRIGGERS*: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating. 
Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are. 

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again. 
It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time. 
*SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS? *
Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly. 
This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means *NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER. *
*GET INTO THERAPY*: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it. 
*APOLOGIZE*: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. 
*REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER*: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them. 
*HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING*: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency. 

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately. 
The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time. 
*SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM*: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again. 
*PHYSICAL CONTACT*: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want. 
*SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME*: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too. 
*LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT*: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you. 
*HERE’S A GREAT TIP*: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.” 
These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect 
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most 
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components: 
A statement of gratitude. 

An expression of your love. 
An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain. 
An admission that you caused their pain. 
An expression of your sense of shame. 
A promise that it will never happen again 
Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own. 
*SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS? *
HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care 
for others. 
*COMMITMENT*: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life. 
*SEEKING*: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They 
begin exploring new involvements. 
*PEACE*: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future. 
*LIFE OPENS UP*: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy. 
*FORGIVENESS*: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always. 
Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


----------



## bryanp

If the roles were reversed would you realistically want to be with him? I doubt it. You have humiliated and betrayed your husband and left him in the worst possible way. This sounds like it is all about you.


If you really love him then leave him alone and allow him to move on and find another woman who can truly love and respect him since you clearly cannot.


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## Acabado

Fight for him, ask for a chance, be humble, woe him, **** his brains up.


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## dopamineaddict

bryanp said:


> If the roles were reversed would you realistically want to be with him? I doubt it. You have humiliated and betrayed your husband and left him in the worst possible way. This sounds like it is all about you.
> 
> 
> If you really love him then leave him alone and allow him to move on and find another woman who can truly love and respect him since you clearly cannot.


I am at least going to tell him how I truly feel. How I screwed up. How he did nothing wrong. It was me that screwed up. I realize now that I screwed up. I think, at least in a small way, that will make him feel a little better. BF told me the effect this had on my husband, and I have to try to make him better in whatever way I can. I have to try to make it as right as I can. If he doesn't accept me back, I am okay with that. I will respect his wishes, but I have to at least try to make him feel a little better, don't I?


----------



## Lon

dopamineaddict said:


> Yes, I am asking for advice. How should I fight for my husband? BF and I are coming up with some ideas.


You fight to be with your H by giving him room, respect his wishes and make yourself a better person by going to IC, dealing with your need for validation to feel of worth, and you show your H you will always love him by telling him you made a bad choice, that you love him and want to rebuild the marriage.

Then you go about your life living well, learn some self-respect, be honest and transparent with yourself and those you love, make yourself available to him but don't pursue him, just hope he comes for you.

You should set a timeline that you reasonably can live by yourself without wanting to find another partner and when that time comes and if you get the opportunity let him know that you are moving on with your life because even though you hoped to rebuild with him you respect his decision to live with his principles and appreciate him not sweeping this under the rug by simply taking you back unless he was sure that is what he really wanted.

Also prepare for him to not be there to help you through your own ordeal, he may just want to move on and find someone else without ever looking back at you, and if you truly love him you will let him go with your blessings and hope he has a happy future with a different spouse.


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## bandit.45

dopamineaddict said:


> I am at least going to tell him how I truly feel. How I screwed up. How he did nothing wrong. It was me that screwed up. I realize now that I screwed up. I think, at least in a small way, that will make him feel a little better. BF told me the effect this had on my husband, and I have to try to make him better in whatever way I can. I have to try to make it as right as I can. If he doesn't accept me back, I am okay with that. I will respect his wishes, but I have to at least try to make him feel a little better, don't I?


Then quit talking about it and do it.


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## dopamineaddict

bandit.45 said:


> Then quit talking about it and do it.


I can't right now. He's at work. I want to talk to him face to face tomorrow when he gets off from work.


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## bandit.45

dopamineaddict said:


> I can't right now. He's at work. I want to talk to him face to face tomorrow when he gets off from work.


Be prepared for rejection..... ugly rejection.


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## warlock07

Soulmates? Oh my god!!! 










You gave up your 9 years relationship for a 4 month fling? And you called him your soul mate?

If I were your H, I would be questioning your mental competence and emotional maturity before getting back with you. 

How did the d-day happen? Were you lying to him a lot before the discovery or were you lying through omission?(There is a difference). Was there a lot of trust broken over a couple of months through your lies or was it an accidental discovery on the D-day and you chose the OM when offered a choice?


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## MattMatt

dopamineaddict said:


> It didn't take me long to leave. I just had some clothes and my dog. I'm at my bf's house now. Just had an interesting conversation with her. I think I am addicted to this message board now though.


Oh, another new board addict? Hello from one recent board addict to another.


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## MattMatt

dopamineaddict said:


> I met him through my friends that were pushing for the affair. They all like him and think he's a good guy...


He might be a really nice chap, but he is not your husband.

Your friends pushed for the affair because you lied to them about your husband.

You fed them a load of rubbish, and they fell for it. Their advice was merely an echo of what you told them, which wasn't true, was it?

It might be worth apologising to the friends you mislead.


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## morituri

DON'T pressure him. Act contrite and remorseful BUT NOT expectant of him giving you a second chance. Tell him that you do not deserve a second chance for what you did to him. Tell him he deserves to be loved by a woman who would never do that to him. And leave by telling him how very sorry you are for the devastation you caused him.


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## MattMatt

By the way, DA, if some of us here seem harsh it might just be that we are remembering the hurt when our apparently faithful spouse cheated on us.

We see the images again, remember the hurt again. For some of us it happened many years ago, but for others here those hurts are recent.


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## bigtone128

dopamineaddict said:


> What is also interesting is that my best friend and husband are hanging out a lot now. They always liked each other, but he would only see her once or twice a year. Now they see each other almost every day. It feels like my husband is stealing my best friend from me. LOL.


My wife left me for another guy at work and it is amazing how many of her friends beriended me after she left...but it really affirmed me because I was devastated by my STBXWs actions. I will say this.....I would never take her back after the way she conducted herself and we were married 26 years and have two kids together BUT if you cared about him (like you say you do) you could tell him the truth, I would love to have my STBXW apologize, tell me I did nothing wrong, that she was taken by a player, etc...It would alleviate me somewhat and might create some positive feelings for her for a friendly relationship in the future (because of our two children) but I would NEVER take her back........I have seen her true colors...........


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## bigtone128

cheese puff said:


> also drop your friends they are not good people. they get enjoyment out of seeing your marriage fail. i dont think that is a friend. i know when my WW had a A, she had what i call a cheerleading squad on the sidelines cheering her in to OM arms.I had a hard time getting her to drop her friends, just as you have seen your AP true colors. once you dumb him for good they will start talking bad about you also. that is the reason they cheered you toward the OM so they can talk crap about you.my wife did not want to give up her friends. i told her pick your scum friends or pic your kids its your choice not the kids. the kids want there mom so they can have a happy family. your friends want to destroy your childrens dreams and hopes.


My STBXW had friends posting on fb "go girl" "you're beautiful" "you deserve it" all posted to urge her on in the affair.....which told me she must have bad mouthed me something terrible to her friends..I have spoke to one of her lady friends (who is now a dear frined of mine) who said "her friends only fed her with the information she was feeding them and what she wanted to hear" so I don't fault her friends anymore.......only her!


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## BrokenMan

@bigtone128 - my WW also bad-mouthed me something rotten to her friends, and family. When she was trying to reconcile with me, she asked me not to be too hard on her friends and family, as they were only reacting to the rubbish she'd fed them. I appreciated her accepting responsibility for that.

To the original poster, in my opinion you should give your husband some space. Not only did you cheat on him and destroy his manhood, but you absolutely chose the other man over him; you moved in with the bloke!

Have you pointed your husband in the direction of this forum? Maybe if you do get in touch with him to apologise/show remorse/ask for forgiveness, perhaps you could tell him about this place so he can come and read some posts and hopefully get some advice and help?


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## ArmyofJuan

dopamineaddict said:


> To people who had affairs and left your significant other for the affair partner; how long were you in your fog?


Once the affair has turned into a "real" relationship it usually dies after the honeymoon stage is over (you get out of the fog). I'd say 3-6 months is common.



> I used to think of my affair partner as perfect. I left my husband of seven years for him about three weeks ago. I blamed my husband for our marriage falling apart, I told him I didn't love him anymore, and hurt him tremendously.


Very common, you were addicted to the high from the A and your brain attempted to justify what you were doing because you were in denial. You want to believe you are doing the right thing so you bascially lie to yourself.



> I am now starting to see my affair partner for who he is, and realize that it was my husband all along who I was in love with.


Of course, someone who would pursue a married woman is going to have low morals and there's no such thing as someone who's "perfect". What you see in the AP is an illusion.



> Is three weeks to short of a time to come out of the fog?


I think so, you will be tempted to go back because its still fresh. Every time I see someone break up like this they always end up going back at least once.



> Should I see if things work out with my affair partner before making any further decisions, or should I go back to my husband and try to work on our marriage?


If you are having doubts already then it won't work out the the AP, no chance. Only 3% of affairs last past 2 years and that's under idea situations. You have a better chance at winning the lotto than working out with the AP.



> Will my husband even take me back?


Ask him.



> To spouses hurt by your significant other having an affair, how long was it before your wayward spouse started coming out of the affair fog?


2-4 months in my case (we had 2 false Rs).

You did pretty much exactly what my wife did and we had similar issues. I ended up taking my W back from her exit affair but in all honestly I wouldn't do it again if I had to go back. 

You took a gamble and lost. Learn from this and move on.


----------



## RWB

It all depends, I guess...

When caught, my wife was immediately ashamed of herself. My grown children knew a few hours before me. They contacted her and were very disgusted, pissed is an understatement... told me to "kick her to the curb". She tried to justify for an hour or so and finally just realized that she was just wrong in her selfish actions. I remember asking her... If our marriage was so broken, so bad, why did you sneak around cheating vs filing for divorce. Nothing but confusion in her response. 

While she continue to lie for a few days about the details regarding years of affairs, the "fog" was gone within 24 hours. I think it has to do with her entire fantasy world crashing down from all directions. The only person in the world that seemed to cared about her was her AP, now a source of pain, who was nothing more than a serial cheater himself, she saw him for the first time as what he really was and it reflected back on herself. I asked her... "do you need me to drive you the 2 hours to your precious love, he's now all yours, no-one here needs you or cares anymore." There was no begging or pleading from any of us. Harsh reality that she had dodged for years was no longer shadowed.


----------



## dopamineaddict

ArmyofJuan said:


> Once the affair has turned into a "real" relationship it usually dies after the honeymoon stage is over (you get out of the fog). I'd say 3-6 months is common.
> 
> 
> Very common, you were addicted to the high from the A and your brain attempted to justify what you were doing because you were in denial. You want to believe you are doing the right thing so you bascially lie to yourself.
> 
> 
> Of course, someone who would pursue a married woman is going to have low morals and there's no such thing as someone who's "perfect". What you see in the AP is an illusion.
> 
> 
> I think so, you will be tempted to go back because its still fresh. Every time I see someone break up like this they always end up going back at least once.
> 
> 
> If you are having doubts already then it won't work out the the AP, no chance. Only 3% of affairs last past 2 years and that's under idea situations. You have a better chance at winning the lotto than working out with the AP.
> 
> 
> Ask him.
> 
> 
> 2-4 months in my case (we had 2 false Rs).
> 
> You did pretty much exactly what my wife did and we had similar issues. I ended up taking my W back from her exit affair but in all honestly I wouldn't do it again if I had to go back.
> 
> You took a gamble and lost. Learn from this and move on.



If you had it to do over again you wouldn't take your wife back? If your relationship with her not any good any longer? Or, do you mean if she cheated on you again you wouldn't do it again?


----------



## Sara8

dopamineaddict said:


> I believe I was in a fog. For some reason, I couldn't see anything good that my husband did. I actually thought I hated him, and that he was the cause of all the problems in my life. I know many people here are going to hate me...but I am only human, and I make mistakes.


This is typical. Cheaters always rewrite the marital history to make the faithful spouse feel bad and to make them feel responsible for the cheater's bad behavior. 

Three weeks is not too short of a time. Once you two got into a real relationship instead of a dating relationship, you really got to see each other for who you both are. 

Most affairs are fantasies. Most people have affairs because they are unhappy within themselves. 

They blame the spouse for everything wrong in their life. 

When they wake up often it is too late. The faithful spouse is long gone.

My cheater spouse told me he hated me too. Prior to being outed he acted like everything was fine. 

Now, he does not want the divorce. 

I don't know if your husband can forgive you. Some can.


----------



## cheese puff

you never get your old wife back no matter how much you want to give him back his wife you are not the same wife he had. i maybe crazy and in need of major IC, but i have found my self looking at photos of my wife before the affair and said to myself thats my wife.


----------



## dopamineaddict

I talked to my husband when he got home from work at 7:00 this morning. I was waiting in the driveway and expecting him to ignore me or yell at me when he saw me, but he just said "Hi," and invited me in when I told him I wanted to talk. He looks so different. Lost a lot of weight, and he really didn't have the extra weight to lose. I can see what my friend meant when she said his eyes are dead. What have I done?

Anyway, I told him everything. How I was being selfish and stupid, and that he did nothing wrong. That he was a great husband, and that I really do love him. I told him that AP is nothing compared to him, etc. It was like my husband had a wall around him during the first portion of the conversation. He just kept saying "That's nice," and "okay," and "I really need to get some sleep now."

I apologized, and asked him if he would like to go to sleep, and I would come back and talk later, and he said "No. Go on." So, I just spilled everything. 

After about an hour of me talking, and him listening -- he didn't interrupt me once. He started talking and joking about completely different things. He talked about work, my BF, the dogs, etc. God I miss talking to him. I told him I knew about why he gave me our old incontinent dog, and he just smiled. Then he asked for her back. He said he would take better care of her than I would, and that she had done what he wanted her to do. 

Then he asked me why I was telling him all this, and I told him it was because I realize how much I hurt him, and that I wanted to try to make it a little better if I could. He seemed kind of annoyed by that a little. Then I told him, that I really do love him and if he could find it in his heart to give me another chance I would spend my life making this up to him.

He said our relationship was ruined. It was over. We couldn't save it. It had the smell of my AP all over it. But, he thought we could start from scratch and try to build a new relationship and see where it goes from there. We may end up friends, married again, or we may end up going our separate ways. He just wants to take it slow. We are going out on a date tomorrow night.


----------



## dopamineaddict

cheese puff said:


> you never get your old wife back no matter how much you want to give him back his wife you are not the same wife he had. i maybe crazy and in need of major IC, but i have found my self looking at photos of my wife before the affair and said to myself thats my wife.


I'm sorry. Are you and your wife still together?


----------



## keko

Good news, but just as he said take it slow. You are still not over your affair at this moment. Also apologizing with words without actions dont mean a thing, you have to show him how much you f'ed up and sorry you are.

Where are sleeping now? I hope you left AP yesterday...


----------



## dopamineaddict

keko said:


> Good news, but just as he said take it slow. You are still not over your affair at this moment. Also apologizing with words without actions dont mean a thing, you have to show him how much you f'ed up and sorry you are.
> 
> Where are sleeping now? I hope you left AP yesterday...


I left my AP's house yesterday and am currently staying with my best friend.


----------



## keko

Change your phone numbers, emails, anyting that OM can use to contact you. You need to drop him off right away and never contact him.


----------



## dopamineaddict

keko said:


> Change your phone numbers, emails, anyting that OM can use to contact you. You need to drop him off right away and never contact him.


I was just thinking about that. AP keeps calling and leaving messages, and has been texting me nonstop. I am working on my No Contact letter. I've also bee receiving texts from my friends who pushed me toward him, but I am just ignoring them at the moment. I have other things to work on right now. I will change my phone number later today...


----------



## keko

dopamineaddict said:


> I've also bee receiving texts from my friends who pushed me toward him, but I am just ignoring them at the moment.


Once again, these people don't have your best interest in their hearts. They're not your friends, nor your marriage's. You need to send a NC letter and go dark on them as well.

Prepare yourself for the constant fishing attempts AP is/will make. Also at the first bad response from your H, you will seek to go back to your OM. Keep that in mind not to fall back into your old habits.


----------



## Lon

dopamineaddict said:


> I talked to my husband when he got home from work at 7:00 this morning. I was waiting in the driveway and expecting him to ignore me or yell at me when he saw me, but he just said "Hi," and invited me in when I told him I wanted to talk. He looks so different. Lost a lot of weight, and he really didn't have the extra weight to lose. I can see what my friend meant when she said his eyes are dead. What have I done?
> 
> Anyway, I told him everything. How I was being selfish and stupid, and that he did nothing wrong. That he was a great husband, and that I really do love him. I told him that AP is nothing compared to him, etc. It was like my husband had a wall around him during the first portion of the conversation. He just kept saying "That's nice," and "okay," and "I really need to get some sleep now."
> 
> I apologized, and asked him if he would like to go to sleep, and I would come back and talk later, and he said "No. Go on." So, I just spilled everything.
> 
> After about an hour of me talking, and him listening -- he didn't interrupt me once. He started talking and joking about completely different things. He talked about work, my BF, the dogs, etc. God I miss talking to him. I told him I knew about why he gave me our old incontinent dog, and he just smiled. Then he asked for her back. He said he would take better care of her than I would, and that she had done what he wanted her to do.
> 
> Then he asked me why I was telling him all this, and I told him it was because I realize how much I hurt him, and that I wanted to try to make it a little better if I could. He seemed kind of annoyed by that a little. Then I told him, that I really do love him and if he could find it in his heart to give me another chance I would spend my life making this up to him.
> 
> He said our relationship was ruined. It was over. We couldn't save it. It had the smell of my AP all over it. But, he thought we could start from scratch and try to build a new relationship and see where it goes from there. We may end up friends, married again, or we may end up going our separate ways. He just wants to take it slow. We are going out on a date tomorrow night.


From everything OP has written about her H, I am really beginning to like the guy, I feel horrible for him to suffer these losses (the loss of trust, the loss of his marriage and hopes and dreams, the loss of his dignity, the loss of the woman he loved and committed to).

To the OP, you said when he asked you why you were telling him everything you said its because you realize how much you hurt him... as a betrayed H I guarantee you have no clue how much. Don't say you realize how much, because that is an empty statement to him coming from you, and just voided everything else you had to say in that conversation.

The fact that you are trying to understand how much you hurt him DOES go a long way, and that you can admit that you did hurt him does too, just don't make presumptions about how he feels because right now you two are in completely different universes.


----------



## dopamineaddict

Lon said:


> From everything OP has written about her H, I am really beginning to like the guy, I feel horrible for him to suffer these losses (the loss of trust, the loss of his marriage and hopes and dreams, the loss of his dignity, the loss of the woman he loved and committed to).
> 
> To the OP, you said when he asked you why you were telling him everything you said its because you realize how much you hurt him... as a betrayed H I guarantee you have no clue how much. Don't say you realize how much, because that is an empty statement to him coming from you, and just voided everything else you had to say in that conversation.
> 
> The fact that you are trying to understand how much you hurt him DOES go a long way, and that you can admit that you did hurt him does too, just don't make presumptions about how he feels because right now you two are in completely different universes.


Good advice. I don't realize how much I hurt him, and what he's going through to the full extent. I just realize I hurt him, and am trying to make it better. I'll be more careful in later conversations with him.

Everyone like my husband. He is just one of those people. He is very shy around new people and it takes people awhile to get to know him, but once they do they really like him. My BF always jokes that my husband likes everybody. I think he truly does. I remember once years ago my BF and I were complaining about a mutual guy friend of ours. He was a guy very concerned with his looks, who talked all the time! Sometimes he would wear you out talking. My husband was in the conversation too, and his response was "Really? I like talking to him!" My husband very easily overlooks a person's flaws and will dig until he finds something good about a person, and he'll focus on that aspect of the person instead of what he doesn't care for about them. I don't think he does this conciously, I just think it comes to him naturally.

The only person he can't stand, is one of my friends who was kind of the ring leader of pushing me toward the affair. He has always says that she is fake, and that I should be careful around her. He told me he got this from the way she laughs at his jokes. I think he defined it as a fake kind of laugh. He just couldn't find anything positive about her I guess. She is married with two kids.


----------



## bandit.45

Ask yourself something... What does it say about you when you seek to hang out with toxic, trashy friends? 

Like minds attract. 

You need to get into intensive counseling and work on overhauling your ways of thinking, your personal boundaries and your attitude towards relationships, because right now all those aspects f your life are for sh*t.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lon

Yes, we have established that your H is a quality man that a person would be foolish to discard like you did.

What I really want to see for the sake of his marriage, is a woman who truly respects that for herself, not because others think she is a fool for not loving him, or because he is a prize. What I still have yet to hear from you is true desire for him, and true sadness that you sacrificed a life of growing old together. You know your H is a great person but are you really sexually attracted enough to him to want to keep fanning the flames with him?

because of what you've shown from your actions I doubt it, many on here doubt it and from your H's response I think he doubts it too. So we know why you want another chance to be in your H's circle of trust, what is in it for him? Now that your old marriage is toast, what reason would he want to choose you to build a new one with? You have shown to be a greater risk to him than the random chance of meeting someone new, so your H is wise to keep you away, and its why I suggest just focussing on yourself for you instead of trying to "fight" for your old marriage.


----------



## ArmyofJuan

dopamineaddict said:


> If you had it to do over again you wouldn't take your wife back? If your relationship with her not any good any longer? Or, do you mean if she cheated on you again you wouldn't do it again?


I took her back out of desperation; I had to compromise my dignity to take her back after her EA turned PA. I took her back 3 times and that's at least twice more than I should have.

If I knew then what I know now I most likely could have stopped it from becoming a PA which would have made taking her back much easier. My marriage is better than before ironically because of this but I will never have her on a pedestal again. We will always have this cloud over our relationship and while she is happy as can be, I sometimes ask myself if it was worth the cost.

If she even flirted with another man today I would leave and never look back.

That being said I wish you luck. Whatever you do DON’T EVER THINK ABOUT GOING BACK TO THE OM. You will regret it for the rest of your life.


----------



## akashNil

dopamineaddict said:


> It was a few things that knocked me into a depression I think. I told my husband I wanted to be more intimate, he said he would. Then he forgot our anniversary. I can now see that he felt horrible for doing that, and he was working a lot at the time. Very stressed. In January I started my affair while my husband was trying to make things better. At the time I was annoyed by his attempts. I thought he was being stupid. I now see, I never gave him a chance to make things better. He tried, but I had built a wall around myself. In March my affair became physical. Looking back on things, I think my affair partner could have been anyone who made me feel good about myself at the time. I honestly thought I loved him.
> 
> I've been living with him for three weeks, and I honestly have nothing in common with him. He likes Godsmack; I like classical music. I like to read books while lying in bed, and he listens to Godsmack and I can't even concentrate. He rides a motorcycle, brings me to biker bars. He is the complete opposite of my husband, and I thought I liked that...but now I see that we are incompatible. I don't even really like him anymore. What was I thinking! I'm also not physically attracted to him. He is a little overweight and baled. My best friend said I definetly "traded down," but I couldn't see that at the time.
> 
> My husband is shy and reserved. However, people still respect him. He is passionate about many things like politics, and he likes to read in the quiet or while listening to soothing music. He also keeps the house neat! My affair partner's house appears that a typhoon has just gone through it. Why couldn't I see this before?


Are these important decisive points to choose between the two?


----------



## skip76

dopamineaddict said:


> I was just thinking about that. AP keeps calling and leaving messages, and has been texting me nonstop. I am working on my No Contact letter. I've also bee receiving texts from my friends who pushed me toward him, but I am just ignoring them at the moment. I have other things to work on right now. I will change my phone number later today...


i have refrained from posting on your thread mostly because i am tired of dealing with these cheaters that ruin their lives and then can't figure out what happened. i had to say something now that you have asked your husband back. i thought that was a bad mistake and you should have left him alone, you heard how great he was doing. you couldn't even be alone for a friggin day without running to him. you just left OM house yesterday and now are asking for him back. do you expect him to deal with the thoughts he will have for the rest of his life. he used to be the enemy, now your "friends" are the enemy. you can't own up to anything with them just like you did to your husband. take some responsibility and face someone. you have to learn to deal with consequences to your actions. you even ran away from OM while he was at work, not that he deserves anything but just showing you how you are. i hope your husband realizes he is way too good for you. if he does take you back you can look forward to a life of misery as his pain will never subside and most likely get worse as he ages. the questions, the triggers, the lies, the sex, it will never end because there is no good answer to any of those except that his wife is a *****. it is easy to look at you like that when you are separated but that is hard to swallow if he takes you back and you are still his wife. no one wants a ***** for a wife. i am sure people will come running telling you how you are not horrible just made horrible decisions blah blah but the reality is you did something that changed your life forever. sure maybe, i doubt it, but maybe you can change but it wouldn't matter to me and i hope it does not matter to him.


----------



## iheartlife

skip76, you raised the points that concern me as well.

The tipoff from the very beginning was having an affair just to satisfy low self-esteem.


----------



## akashNil

dopamineaddict said:


> ... Now I see she was actually being a real friend. My other friends have been pushing me toward the affair...but they don't really know my husband...


How would they know if his wife herself doesn't know?


----------



## warlock07

> The only person he can't stand, is one of my friends who was kind of the ring leader of pushing me toward the affair. He has always says that she is fake, and that I should be careful around her. He told me he got this from the way she laughs at his jokes. I think he defined it as a fake kind of laugh. He just couldn't find anything positive about her I guess. She is married with two kids.


This is even worse than cheating. And you are just as fake as your friend or even worse. So don't delude you are something special. 

3 weeks back , OM was your soul mate and now your H is perfect human and there is nothing wrong he can do either. Stop looking at people through perfection glasses. Stop being so fickle.

Couple more things:

He will hit the anger phase soon. He will be disgusted with you and your presence will remind him of both you and the AP having sex. He will withdraw often. Are you ready to deal with it?

He will look at you through the betrayed eyes from now on. Things won't be the same they were. Until the exposure, he had you up on a pedestal. Now he will look at you as the woman that cheated on him and left him without even giving him a chance after being together for 9 years. He will never totally trust you again or look at you the same


----------



## warlock07

> How did the d-day happen? Were you lying to him a lot before the discovery or were you lying through omission?(There is a difference). Was there a lot of trust broken over a couple of months through your lies or was it an accidental discovery on the D-day and you chose the OM when offered a choice?


I asked you this in an older post. Can you answer them?


----------



## one_strange_otter

I agree with everyone that the OP sounds like she's very emotionally immature. And somewhere in the thread I realized she was just leaving the AP house today and the thread started yesterday? yeah, someone's got issues owning up to their problems. Funny how it's total strangers that gets people to realize their issues but your own real life friends and family can't do anything for you. On top of that a lot of this just reads like a script. Like someone wrote it for a made for tv movie about "the fog". Either way I'm thinking the OP's husband did everything TAM usually teaches us. Tell them to make a choice then kick them out of they don't choose you and go no contact. The only thing he did wrong to me was not following through on the divorce filing.


----------



## dopamineaddict

warlock07 said:


> I asked you this in an older post. Can you answer them?


I was lying to him. I told him I was going to spend time with my friend (the one he doesn't care for) because she agreed to cover for me. I would also use work or excersise as an excuse. I was absent from the home a lot, and I was growing distant from my husband.

I still don't know exactly how my husband found out about the affair, he won't tell me. But, I came home one day and he looked kind of sick, said he wasn't feeling well, and was kind of wandering all over the place. Finally, he was lying in the bed, and I went in to see if he was okay and he asked me point blank, "Are you having an affair?" I said, "No." He said, "On your mother's life, are you having an affair?" I said "No." Then he said "Then who the hell is [AP's name]" I said "Oh, that's just a guy I know from work. He hangs out with several of the other people i've been hanging out with lately." Then my husband looked me in the eye and asked "Are you having an affair?" Again, I said "No." My husband said "You're lying." I think he could tell from my eyes that I was lying. 

After my husband stared in my eyes, and said nothing for awhile, I finally confessed, and I told him the affair didn't end our relationship, that we ended our relationship and as far as I was concerned, our marriage ended four years ago. He told me that I had to make a choice, the AP or him, and he would give me some time to think. He then took off his wedding ring, threw it in a drawer in the nightstand next to the bed, and went into the guest bedroom where he stayed for the rest of the day.

The next day my AP and I were so freaked out about how my Husband found out that instead of going to work we both called in sick and just stayed at his place. I received a text from my husband that said "You seem to have made up your mind, you can pick up your things today."


----------



## keko

dopamineaddict said:


> The next day my AP and I were so freaked out about how my Husband found out that instead of going to work we both called in sick and just stayed at his place.


I don't know whether to laugh or get angry to this.


----------



## one_strange_otter

I'm clapping for your husband. He did everything he was supposed to. Immediately went no contact, didin't grovel or beg, gave you the choice. I like this guy. Sounds like he has his head on straight. Too bad you lost him because of your selfishness and ego. 

makes me wonder if he wasn't on TAM already getting the CWI newbie speech in another thread. I can imagine Bandit and others giving him marching orders maybe a month ago about GPS, keyloggers, VAR's and PI's. He had to have known somehow. We should check our threads to see if any guy has posted about suspecting his wife is cheating with some loser metalhead posing as a bad ass biker.


----------



## GTdad

dopamineaddict said:


> I received a text from my husband that said "You seem to have made up your mind, you can pick up your things today."


My admiration for your husband just went up a notch.

Frankly, I think you need to leave your husband, your AP, and men in general alone and spend a good long time getting your head screwed on straight. I strongly recommend therapy.


----------



## one_strange_otter

keko said:


> I don't know whether to laugh or get angry to this.


IKR? This is one of the things that makes me feel like the OP is living in la la land or just completely clueless about the world around her.


----------



## Looking to heal

Is this thread for real ?

Seems made up to me.


----------



## one_strange_otter

Looking to heal said:


> Is this thread for real ?
> 
> Seems made up to me.


I can't decide either.  OP isn't flaming anyone really. Isn't getting defensive. But does seem to be following a script to me. Then again all the CWI stories are basically the same anyway. Maybe if you've been on here more than a month you've heard it all and they just start blending together.


----------



## Looking to heal

Seems too quick to agree and do what people suggest.

I think this isn't a real thread.


----------



## Looking to heal

Tip Off is that there name is Dopemine Addict.

One that so familiar with it so soon after being caught up in things...

And why addict ?


----------



## warlock07

I feel sick to my stomach after reading the last post. You ran and hid with AP after the D-day?

To be honest, I don't think you shouldn't be a relationships until you sort yourself out. You want to get with H for your own reasons but will only end up hurting him much worse if you don't change. Initially you mentioned the affair was because of the resentment of forgetting your anniversary. Now you mention that you thought that the marriage was dead for 4 years. Maybe there are genuine issues in the marriage that makes both of you incompatible with one another even if he is a genuinely nice guy. 

You said your friends pushed you towards an affair. Can you tell us how this happened? Were you complaining a lot about your husband to these friends and they decided to hook you up with this guy? And you went along with it?


Funny thing they say about cheaters "If they cheat with you, they will cheat on you". AP learnt it the hard way. But what did he expect? I am not sure how your H can forgive you. You just threw him away like trash. 9 years of memories I guess.


----------



## dopamineaddict

Looking to heal said:


> Tip Off is that there name is Dopemine Addict.
> 
> One that so familiar with it so soon after being caught up in things...
> 
> And why addict ?


It's real. I was wondering if it was too soon too. I have been reading a lot about affairs and the "affair fog," for the past couple of days. I like my user name. Don't know why. I am reading other boards now trying to see if anything in them sounds familiar.


----------



## dopamineaddict

warlock07 said:


> I feel sick to my stomach after reading the last post. You ran and hid with AP after the D-day?
> 
> To be honest, I don't think you shouldn't be a relationships until you sort yourself out. You want to get with H for your own reasons but will only end up hurting him much worse if you don't change. Initially you mentioned the affair was because of the resentment of forgetting your anniversary. Now you mention that you thought that the marriage was dead for 4 years. Maybe there are genuine issues in the marriage that makes both of you incompatible with one another even if he is a genuinely nice guy.
> 
> You said your friends pushed you towards an affair. Can you tell us how this happened? Were you complaining a lot about your husband to these friends and they decided to hook you up with this guy? And you went along with it?
> 
> 
> Funny thing they say about cheaters "If they cheat with you, they will cheat on you". AP learnt it the hard way. But what did he expect? I am not sure how your H can forgive you. You just threw him away like trash. 9 years of memories I guess.



I've been arguing with my husband a lot since January, and I kept telling him that I have been unhappy for four years. He asked me why I didn't tell him, and he wanted examples as to why I wasn't happy. I kept coming up with one example.

My husband doesn't really argue most of the time. When he gets upset he just gets really quiet and needs time to be left alone to think and work things out in his head. He has always told me this, but I have always felt like he was shutting me out for some reason. The good thing about this is that he only usually needs to be alone a short while (maybe 10-30 minutes) and then all is forgiven. He has always apologized to me after these moments, but it was just his way of handling being upset.

Well, the example I used was one time about four years ago I was so upset with him I was walking with my BF around a college campus talking and crying I was so upset.

I gave my husband this example and he thought it was the dumbest thing he ever heard. The fact that I could think of one moment in time that I was unhappy four years ago really didn't prove that I was unhappy. But, I insisted that I had been unhappy for four years -- but it wasn't the truth. I mean, it really is one of the only examples I can think of. How dumb is that... again, he was right.


----------



## bandit.45

Are you really 32 years old? Because you don't talk like a 32 year old. I could swear I was reading the thoughts of a high schooler. You seem to lack maturity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07

Emotional intelligence


----------



## dopamineaddict

dopamineaddict said:


> I've been arguing with my husband a lot since January, and I kept telling him that I have been unhappy for four years. He asked me why I didn't tell him, and he wanted examples as to why I wasn't happy. I kept coming up with one example.
> 
> My husband doesn't really argue most of the time. When he gets upset he just gets really quiet and needs time to be left alone to think and work things out in his head. He has always told me this, but I have always felt like he was shutting me out for some reason. The good thing about this is that he only usually needs to be alone a short while (maybe 10-30 minutes) and then all is forgiven. He has always apologized to me after these moments, but it was just his way of handling being upset.
> 
> Well, the example I used was one time about four years ago I was so upset with him I was walking with my BF around a college campus talking and crying I was so upset.
> 
> I gave my husband this example and he thought it was the dumbest thing he ever heard. The fact that I could think of one moment in time that I was unhappy four years ago really didn't prove that I was unhappy. But, I insisted that I had been unhappy for four years -- but it wasn't the truth. I mean, it really is one of the only examples I can think of. How dumb is that... again, he was right.



The reason why I ran and hid with my AP was because we were both worried that someone from work had told my husband about the affair. We were trying to figure out who it could have been. Our jobs were hanging on the line. I asked my husband if someone had called and told him, and he just said he didn't know. 

I told my husband this when I went to pick my things up, and he said that we were both smart. Two people having an affair trying to hide it at work, both calling in sick on the same day to hang out trying to figure out who outed us.


----------



## dopamineaddict

bandit.45 said:


> Are you really 32 years old? Because you don't talk like a 32 year old. I could swear I was reading the thoughts of a high schooler. You seem to lack maturity.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I am really 33 years old.


----------



## Complexity

bandit.45 said:


> Are you really 32 years old? Because you don't talk like a 32 year old. I could swear I was reading the thoughts of a high schooler. You seem to lack maturity.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She's for real alright!. For some reason 2/3 of the women I've dated are starkly reminiscent to her. With people like dopamine, their naivety and innocence is very, very endearing, but their other-side, the "princess" side her husband has been exposed to....it just becomes a nightmare. 

Dopamine, it's pretty clear your husband is going to take you back, you however desperately need to mature, I can't stress this enough. Even nice guys like your husband have limits.


----------



## Bellavista

My husband had an affair 11 years ago & left our family for the other woman, who lived in another country. He intended to divorce me, marry her & move her to the small town we moved in. In Australia you have to be separated for 12 months before filing for divorce. I moved 5 hours away with the kids because there was no way I was going to stay & see him with someone else.
The point of this story: On the day he was due to sign the divorce papers he called me and said he could not go through with it, he had ended it with the OW & would I consider taking him back. We had been married for 14 years prior to the affair. During the separation time, I had had a lot of opportunites to examime my behavior & see what mistakes we had made. (Like me telling him to leave if he was not happy, I was not changing.) Dumb!
We agreed to work on our relationship and to discuss all of the things that lead to the affair & breakup. Both parties need to be honest & open in this, not to blame the other parties involved & accept responsibility for their actions.
It was 4 months after this before I moved back to the town where he was & we moved back in together. As the betrayed partner, it is not easy to trust again, it takes time, effort & open communication to make it work. Even now after so many years, I get flashbacks, but we are able to work through that together.
Your husband will probably go through a range of emotions, the stages of grief. 
Do not expect R to be an easy & quick process, however, if both parties are committed to the relationship, it can be done. If you do decide to R, DO NOT look back on your time with the OM & decide you were happier then, you were not.


----------



## warlock07

OM and you work at the same place?


----------



## dopamineaddict

warlock07 said:


> OM and you work at the same place?


Yes. I started spending time with people from work, and met him through them. My friend pushing me toward the affair also works at the same place...


----------



## bandit.45

dopamineaddict said:


> Yes. I started spending time with people from work, and met him through them. My friend pushing me toward the affair also works at the same place...


Quit your job. Today....

You cannot bee truly free from the OM if you do not. And it will send a message to your husband that you are serious about reconcilliation.


----------



## dopamineaddict

bandit.45 said:


> Quit your job. Today....
> 
> You cannot bee truly free from the OM if you do not. And it will send a message to your husband that you are serious about reconcilliation.


I'm a teacher. I already signed my contract for next year, and I'm off for the summer...


----------



## cheese puff

it will not work if you dont quit your job. you will be back in his arms in no time.


----------



## Surgeon

I wish this thread had more responses to people in the fog. :/


----------



## dopamineaddict

cheese puff said:


> it will not work if you dont quit your job. you will be back in his arms in no time.


Really, because I can't stand my AP after seeing his true colors. I really don't want to have anything to do with him anymore. It would be very hard to quit right now...


----------



## keko

dopamineaddict said:


> I'm a teacher. I already signed my contract for next year, and I'm off for the summer...


If things go well between you and your H, by the time school starts again you'll be drawn back into the affair.


----------



## warlock07

When you apologized your H forgave you, didn't he?


----------



## dopamineaddict

warlock07 said:


> When you apologized your H forgave you, didn't he?


Yes, I think he did...


----------



## dopamineaddict

keko said:


> If things go well between you and your H, by the time school starts again you'll be drawn back into the affair.


But why? Sorry I am not trying to be difficult, just trying to understand.


----------



## keko

Look for ways to transfer school's or loopholes to get out of the contract, that is if you really want to show your H you've changed.


----------



## cheese puff

a month ago you could not stand your husband look at you now.


----------



## warlock07

dopamineaddict said:


> Yes, I think he did...


So the OM will apologize and promise to make changes


----------



## dopamineaddict

keko said:


> Look for ways to transfer school's or loopholes to get out of the contract, that is if you really want to show your H you've changed.


I work at a private school so I can't transfer. I'll try to find loopholes. I could just tell them I had an affair, but I think that would ruin my chances of getting a job somewhere else.


----------



## dopamineaddict

warlock07 said:


> So the OM will apologize and promise to make changes


OM would have to change everything... I don't care for anything about him.


----------



## dopamineaddict

cheese puff said:


> a month ago you could not stand your husband look at you now.


I see your point. Am I really that stupid though? Can't I control myself now that I have made the mistake once and have seen how stupid it was?


----------



## keko

dopamineaddict said:


> I could just tell them I had an affair, but I think that would ruin my chances of getting a job somewhere else.


Correct. It seems someone at work tipped off your husband, and that person(s) could report you to the school administration. Start planning your answer's incase you do get reported.

Also who else in school knows of your affair, that you know of?


----------



## warlock07

dopamineaddict said:


> But why? Sorry I am not trying to be difficult, just trying to understand.


First you were in love with your H. Then you were in an affair with the OM and hated your H and marriage for 4 years. Then suddenly in 3 weeks you hate your OM and love your H more than anything. Your emotions are too fickle and it won't take much to change them again. You were attracted to the OM at some point and that contact with him is not good at all.


----------



## dopamineaddict

keko said:


> Correct. It seems someone at work tipped off your husband, and that person(s) could report you to the school administration. Start planning your answer's incase you do get reported.
> 
> Also who else in school knows of your affair, that you know of?


I only know of three other people besides me and my xAP who know...


----------



## Bellavista

dopamineaddict said:


> I'm a teacher. I already signed my contract for next year, and I'm off for the summer...


The issue here that I see is:

If you & husband do attempt to reconcile, there will be times when it is tough, no question.
If you still have access to the OM, you will start to look at him & say, well, it wasn't so bad, why didn't I give it a chance..
There is now an emotional connection between you & OM, it will not go away overnight, maybe not for years. All it will take is an argument with hubby before you leave for work, a tough day in school, a shared glance with the OM & voila, you are back in his arms again. 
You need to look at your options job wise, as well as changing as much as possbile of your contact details for R to have any chance to work. Nobody ever said it would be an easy road & sometimes the consequences of our actions are way beyond what we would ever think.


----------



## keko

dopamineaddict said:


> But why? Sorry I am not trying to be difficult, just trying to understand.


You will run into him at some point, he'll tell you a few romantic lines and before you know it you're on his bed again. Add in some problems in your marraige, stress from work, other problems, etc. and it becomes even easier.

Also we have read many WSs that hate the AP then when they run into each other everything is back to affair fantasy.


----------



## bandit.45

dopamineaddict said:


> I'm a teacher. I already signed my contract for next year, and I'm off for the summer...


Any way you can get out of it?


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## dopamineaddict

warlock07 said:


> First you were in love with your H. Then you were in an affair with the OM and hated your H and marriage for 4 years. Then suddenly in 3 weeks you hate your OM and love your H more than anything. Your emotions are too fickle and it won't take much to change them again. You were attracted to the OM at some point and that contact with him is not good at all.


I am trying to figure things out right now about how to leave school. It's going to be hard though. Nobody is really hiring, they usually do their hiring before the summer...


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## keko

dopamineaddict said:


> I only know of three other people besides me and my xAP who know...


Now multiply that number with 5 = most of the school staff knows it. Things like this are always passed around in a work environment


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## dopamineaddict

Bellavista said:


> The issue here that I see is:
> 
> If you & husband do attempt to reconcile, there will be times when it is tough, no question.
> If you still have access to the OM, you will start to look at him & say, well, it wasn't so bad, why didn't I give it a chance..
> There is now an emotional connection between you & OM, it will not go away overnight, maybe not for years. All it will take is an argument with hubby before you leave for work, a tough day in school, a shared glance with the OM & voila, you are back in his arms again.
> You need to look at your options job wise, as well as changing as much as possbile of your contact details for R to have any chance to work. Nobody ever said it would be an easy road & sometimes the consequences of our actions are way beyond what we would ever think.


I don't ever see OM at work though. I only met him through mutual friends. We work in completely different departments, and the only way I would see him is if I really sought him out.


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## warlock07

dopamineaddict said:


> OM would have to change everything... I don't care for anything about him.


He will promise to change everything. He will keep sending you flowers and love notes, begging for a second chance while your husband, still recovering from your betrayal will be distant and stand offish. OM will start looking good again. Then you will again turn to him for support.

I read atleast a couple of affairs that resumed like that. There was a poster her a few days earlier. She was a nurse and OM was the doctor I think. Affair restarted in a month or two.


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## warlock07

Is your H fine with you working with the OM?


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## dopamineaddict

warlock07 said:


> Is your H fine with you working with the OM?


We haven't talked about that yet. I imagine at some point if we do decide to get back together there will have to be a serious conversation. I am trying to figure out my work situation. I'll figure it out.


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## MattMatt

dopamineaddict said:


> I was just thinking about that. AP keeps calling and leaving messages, and has been texting me nonstop. I am working on my No Contact letter. I've also bee receiving texts from my friends who pushed me toward him, but I am just ignoring them at the moment. I have other things to work on right now. I will change my phone number later today...


What is there to work on?

Try this for your NC letter

_"Dude, we are through. Sorry, but I can't have you contacting me any more. Leave me alone. Do not write me, do not email me, do not text me, do not phone me. I do not love you."_

Something like that.


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## Lon

So this bad ass biker metalhead OM works with OP at a private school? DA, is he a teacher too? What does he teach, shop?


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## MattMatt

Lon said:


> So this bad ass biker metalhead OM works with OP at a private school? DA, is he a teacher too? What does he teach, shop?


Apparently not everyone who works in a school is a teacher. And didn't she say he works in a different department?

I am thinking wannabe bad boy, maybe an accountant or something similar?


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## Acabado

I can't to help to wish someone expose that married ''fake'' friend who encouraged and covered OP to follow with this, living vicariously at the bare minimun, if not a cheater herself.


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## Anymum

dopamineaddict said:


> I see your point. Am I really that stupid though? Can't I control myself now that I have made the mistake once and have seen how stupid it was?




Yes, you absoultely can learn from your previous bad decision(s) and make positive changes in yourself as you move forward.

Note, that does require effort.

Also, you said you would need to seek out OM. Remember, he can seek you out as well. You need to tell him to stay away and follow up with admin if he does not.

Best wishes
AM


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## morituri

DA please consider paying your 'friend' back by one day approaching her husband behind her back and telling him how his wife knowingly encouraged you to have an affair and provided support for you in lying to your husband about your whereabouts so that you could meet up with the OM to have sex. Inform him so that he can see what a POS (piece of sh!t) he is married to and to keep his eyes and ears open just in case she is cheating on him. If she later finds out that you told her husband and that now her husband doesn't trust her, perhaps she will think twice about attempting to destroy another marriage by encouraging another vulnerable friend to have an affair.


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## Acabado

> Also, you said you would need to seek out OM. Remember, he can seek you out as well. You need to tell him to stay away and follow up with admin if he does not


Exactly, NC means a NC arrangement. Play different scenarios; he can try from different phones (be ready to hung up once you know who is), he can try thourgh third parties (be ready to tell them to back off, you don't want to hear about OM ever again), he can try F2F...


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## bandit.45

Lon said:


> So this bad ass biker metalhead OM works with OP at a private school? DA, is he a teacher too? What does he teach, shop?


That's hilarious.

At least when my mom abandoned us, she had the wherewithal to leave my dad for a real outlaw biker. He was a Hell's Angel or Bandito... can't remember which.

I mean, come on dopamineaddict.... if you were going to destroy your marriage and cheat on your husband, you should at least have gone whole hog and got a real honest to goodness criminal to bang. 

The only thing I can't stand more than a low-down tattoo infested cheating partner is a cut-rate one, who acts and dresses like a bad guy but who is really a puss-ball underneath.


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## bandit.45

And yes...I'm being facetious.


....don't care.


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## Dollystanford

dopamineaddict said:


> I told my husband this when I went to pick my things up, and he said that we were both smart. Two people having an affair trying to hide it at work, both calling in sick on the same day to hang out trying to figure out who outed us.


your husband sounds awesome

when he's divorced you send him my way would ya


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## TorontoBoyWest

Dollystanford said:


> your husband sounds awesome
> 
> when he's divorced you send him my way would ya


Me thinks there is a line up for DA's H. Odd that she wants to jump the vine back into his arms no?

This is like Juicer but better. DA's H has no roid issues. No issues at all apparently.

DA just realized her H is at the top of the pending free agent list.


Got a little scared me thinks. Serves her right. The OM sounds like a primo choice. Excellent work DA.


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## TBT

dopamineaddict said:


> I don't ever see OM at work though. I only met him through mutual friends. We work in completely different departments, and the only way I would see him is if I really sought him out.


I attended a private school and all the teachers and staff knew one another no matter what their department.Have they really gotten that big?


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## bandit.45

TBT said:


> I attended a private school and all the teachers and staff knew one another no matter what their department.Have they really gotten that big?


Agreed.... that's horsesh*t.

Betcha he's a janitor.


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## MattMatt

TBT said:


> I attended a private school and all the teachers and staff knew one another no matter what their department.Have they really gotten that big?


Depends. I live near a private school and it is absolutely huge. Employs groundsmen/women, teachers, accountants, marketing department, an army of cleaners, housekeepers, support staff, nurses, bursar's office, sports staff, secretaries/admin staff, bus drivers, etc.

They can be absolutely huge concerns, covering many acres of grounds.


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## MattMatt

bandit.45 said:


> Agreed.... that's horsesh*t.
> 
> Betcha he's a janitor.


Yeah, but he is only resting, as he intends to get a job as a whatever it is just as soon as such-and-such happens.

But it wasn't his fault. Then he comes out with lots of rubbish that makes DA feel sorry for him and THEN the POS pounces and DA gets her mind messed with until she thinks up is down and down is up... Now she wakes up on the floor and her husband is nowhere to be seen when she needs someone to pick her up because she woke up on the floor of her APs house, if you see what I mean.

(I think I just got a little overdrawn at the Analogy Bank, there  )


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## TBT

MattMatt said:


> Depends. I live near a private school and it is absolutely huge. Employs groundsmen/women, teachers, accountants, marketing department, an army of cleaners, housekeepers, support staff, nurses, bursar's office, sports staff, secretaries/admin staff, bus drivers, etc.
> 
> They can be absolutely huge concerns, covering many acres of grounds.


I never realized,as all I seem to hear is how people are competing for spots for their children in schools with limited enrollment.The school I attended had 600-620 students which covered grades 1-13* at the time.The grounds were big though,with various athletic fields and indoor hockey arena.Ah well,live and learn.


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## dblkman

I am going to take a different approach here DA, in the midst of all the criticism being thrown at you right now (some good, some not so good) I commend you. As a HUMAN we all make mistakes no matter how small or large that mistake is, it however takes courage to sit here and take the lumps that some of the members are giving you. Unfortunately there are some members on TAM that have been hurt beyond belief and it comes out in their posts, I am one of them that has survived an affair, my ex left with kids, got to another state and realized a month later that it was a mistake and tried to come back. Unfortunately she never owned up to what she did so it was NOT an option for me. 

It sounds like your H is a great guy and you realized that a little late, but I can somewhat sense the sincerity in your posts and you realize your mistake and is trying to make amends. I commend you for not only posting your story but also replying to some of the most difficult questions TAM members have asked. I personally have never posted my story but during my previous marriage issues I found this site to be most insightful. 

If you are truly sincere I pray you are able to get your H back. There are many marriages that have strengthened over this issue


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## Racer

My R is somewhat like you are trying for. Starting over, dating. I consider her more like a girlfriend. It’s different this time though. That dead inside thing I get. He’ll snap out... but it will not be the same anymore. 

As I can best describe it... Before she started looking over that fence... I call it ‘my yearning’. Its overwhelming positive feelings about my spouse. Just watching her sleep and knowing this goddess loves me was enough. The deep rooted romantic in me was strong... I believed in the dream of it all. It was pride in her and myself for landing such a great woman.

This is what she slowly killed inside me. I no longer take pride in my spouse or the marriage. The scars, pain, and wounds will heal over time with or without her... the vision of ‘who she is’ has changed. No matter what you do, your past IS part of how we see you. The pride is gone.

If I could offer you any real advice. Work very, very hard on yourself. Rebuild your severely tarnished image. DO NOT fake it or create a false perception because you are already suspect. I can deal with mistakes, but am less than tolerant of ‘fake’. Be someone your husband can be proud of again. Do not give up. Find your strength and continue to grow (with or without him)... I bet if you can look in the mirror and feel proud about the woman looking back at you, your husband would feel the same. And make damn sure he knows what changes you are doing and your innermost thoughts.... Give him new things about you to think about rather than bikerboy.


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## moxy

dopamineaddict said:


> Should I see if things work out with my affair partner before making any further decisions, or should I go back to my husband and try to work on our marriage? Will my husband even take me back?


If you are even asking those questions, then please leave your ex husband alone. You don't sound sure about who you want and you're going to hurt him again. You seem mostly concerned with securing your relationship before you make a move and that kind of indecision is not good. You need to figure out what you want on your own. He deserves to be with someone who wants to be with him not just be with him while it's kinda fun and no one else is keeping her entertained well enough.

Edit: Later in your thread, you say that you realized that your marriage was good before you started cheating and you found fault with it only after your infidelity kicked in. I think you sound really unsure of what you want. If you try to reconnect with your husband, please make sure you are totally honest about how you feel, try to find the reason you chose to cheat, so that you won't do it again. If he takes you back, don't ruin it by being dishonest about things; transparency is very important -- even if it means telling someone what they don't want to hear, honesty is better than lies.


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## BigLiam

dopamineaddict said:


> Ouch. The truth hurts sometimes. I agree, my thinking hasn't been very stable lately...


For some reason, I rather doubt your thinking has ever been stable.


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## BigLiam

bandit.45 said:


> That's hilarious.
> 
> At least when my mom abandoned us, she had the wherewithal to leave my dad for a real outlaw biker. He was a Hell's Angel or Bandito... can't remember which.
> 
> I mean, come on dopamineaddict.... if you were going to destroy your marriage and cheat on your husband, you should at least have gone whole hog and got a real honest to goodness criminal to bang.
> 
> The only thing I can't stand more than a low-down tattoo infested cheating partner is a cut-rate one, who acts and dresses like a bad guy but who is really a puss-ball underneath.


As an ultra alpha, I have had to kick many a pussball's arse.:banhim::allhail:


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## BigLiam

dopamineaddict said:


> I work at a private school so I can't transfer. I'll try to find loopholes. I could just tell them I had an affair, but I think that would ruin my chances of getting a job somewhere else.


Please tell me you are not teaching beyond preschool level. Our poor, poor youth...

This has got to be fake.:sleeping::bunny::toast:


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## keko

I think teachers were second after nurses in extramarital affairs from a few surveys online.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stuckmick

well said, Bravo!


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## Vanguard

dopamineaddict said:


> To people who had affairs and left your significant other for the affair partner; how long were you in your fog? I used to think of my affair partner as perfect. I left my husband of seven years for him about three weeks ago. I blamed my husband for our marriage falling apart, I told him I didn't love him anymore, and hurt him tremendously. I am now starting to see my affair partner for who he is, and realize that it was my husband all along who I was in love with. Is three weeks to short of a time to come out of the fog? Should I see if things work out with my affair partner before making any further decisions, or should I go back to my husband and try to work on our marriage? Will my husband even take me back?
> 
> To spouses hurt by your significant other having an affair, how long was it before your wayward spouse started coming out of the affair fog?


Your relationship with this man will never blossom into anything but sorrow, because the relationship was born out of sin. I'm sure it may seem exhilarating but a love born out of infidelity is not love. It's selfishness.


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## MrArachnid

dopamineaddict said:


> I believe I was in a fog. For some reason, I couldn't see anything good that my husband did. I actually thought I hated him, and that he was the cause of all the problems in my life. I know many people here are going to hate me...but I am only human, and I make mistakes.


A mistake is taking a wrong turn.....or needing an eraser.....what you described is betrayal. If I were him....it would take you on your hands and knees in our yard yelling at the top of your voice how wrong you were to betray me, have an affair and beg me to take you back and make it work......and make sure the entire neighborhood can hear you do this....then maybe.


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## Headspin

dopamineaddict said:


> No. I'm no enjoying it... I never thought about the consequences of my actions.


Why did'nt you ?

I'm having this thing with my wife now I've forgiven her 4 times (yeah yeah stupid I know) each time its married men with kids etc and I asked her what about the appalling consequences of your actions 

no answer 

I say there must be a point when you have to get hit with "OMG this will destroy my husband my kids my AP 's wife and their kids"

There must be.

I cant believe anybody does not get at some point get this question raging through their skulls. 

I s'pose that's the difference right there- if they attach no gravity to such actions then they'll certainly feel little or no guilt about it 

This aspect still makes me so so angry


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## bandit.45

Headspin said:


> Why did'nt you ?
> 
> I'm having this thing with my wife now I've forgiven her *4 times *(yeah yeah stupid I know) each time its married men with kids etc and I asked her what about the appalling consequences of your actions


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## Headspin

bandit.45 said:


>


Course stupid from me _but_ as we all know (even those amongst us that say we should never ever give a 2nd chance) love does not quite work like that.

If actually you have had a great life together and as dopamineaddict admits in reality it really has been a very good marriage, that is very very hard to throw away.

That is where I have had my problems in my marriage. Outside of her "fog" which are relatively short periods, my marriage and she admits it when honest, has been "mostly fantastic" 

When a marriage is, in truth, not good and gradually getting poorer consistently over a lebgthy time you both know it is right to end it and often that is a relief to all concerned.

I can relate to whats been going on here especially the bad mouthing, the seeming hatred of the H in order to justify the terrible infidelity, the outside "friends" bad influences that have help encourage the affair, bad choice of true friends. 

For me the WS's need to rewrite 'history' in order to justify is exactly what my wife has and is still doing and is the main source of my inner rage that has not abated for nigh on two months

Unlike dopamineaddict my wife although deep down knowing how appalling she's been will not really acknowledge the gravity of her actions, even now looking to somehow justify them a sense of "you made me do it" still prevails with her 

The only hope here for dopamineaddict (and her husband) is that there is a sense of her fully understanding just how wrong she has managed to get this and it does seem she is realizing this

She does seem immature and selfish which is part of her problems but at least she is making a positive move.

Unfortunately the downside dopamineaddict is that even if you R and repair nomatter what you do it will never ever be quite the same again and speaking as somebody who has given chances to a WS, if not impossible, it will be a very difficult road ahead.

The deep truth is that cheaters are prone to cheat again it is written in stone and whether you can beat that law and get back on track remains to be seen


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## bigtone128

Headspin said:


> Why did'nt you ?
> 
> I'm having this thing with my wife now I've forgiven her 4 times (yeah yeah stupid I know) each time its married men with kids etc and I asked her what about the appalling consequences of your actions
> 
> no answer
> 
> I say there must be a point when you have to get hit with "OMG this will destroy my husband my kids my AP 's wife and their kids"
> 
> There must be.
> 
> I cant believe anybody does not get at some point get this question raging through their skulls.
> 
> I s'pose that's the difference right there- if they attach no gravity to such actions then they'll certainly feel little or no guilt about it
> 
> This aspect still makes me so so angry


Truth is they dont care about you!! THAT'S WHY THEY DO IT!


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## NextTimeAround

Lon said:


> So this bad ass biker metalhead OM works with OP at a private school? DA, is he a teacher too? What does he teach, shop?


Yeah, I think so. Here's a youtube video of him (sort of)

Grease Greased Lightning Official Video HQ - YouTube


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## NextTimeAround

dopamineaddict said:


> I was lying to him. I told him I was going to spend time with my friend (the one he doesn't care for) because she agreed to cover for me. I would also use work or excersise as an excuse. I was absent from the home a lot, and I was growing distant from my husband.
> 
> I still don't know exactly how my husband found out about the affair, he won't tell me. But, I came home one day and he looked kind of sick, said he wasn't feeling well, and was kind of wandering all over the place. Finally, he was lying in the bed, and I went in to see if he was okay and he asked me point blank, "Are you having an affair?" I said, "No." *He said, "On your mother's life, are you having an affair?" I said "No."* Then he said "Then who the hell is [AP's name]" I said "Oh, that's just a guy I know from work. He hangs out with several of the other people i've been hanging out with lately." Then my husband looked me in the eye and asked "Are you having an affair?" Again, I said "No." My husband said "You're lying." I think he could tell from my eyes that I was lying.
> 
> After my husband stared in my eyes, and said nothing for awhile, I finally confessed, and I told him the affair didn't end our relationship, that we ended our relationship and as far as I was concerned, our marriage ended four years ago. He told me that I had to make a choice, the AP or him, and he would give me some time to think. He then took off his wedding ring, threw it in a drawer in the nightstand next to the bed, and went into the guest bedroom where he stayed for the rest of the day.
> 
> The next day my AP and I were so freaked out about how my Husband found out that instead of going to work we both called in sick and just stayed at his place. I received a text from my husband that said "You seem to have made up your mind, you can pick up your things today."


this really bothers me. Even when you knew he had details of the truth, you still thought you could continue gaslighting him. 

My fiance did that with me, ok, 2 years ago. I had my finger on the truth but no hard evidence, and he still denied it.

How much of that is a character flaw that won't go away?


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## Robert22205

I don't dislike you at all ...I just see you as a deeply confused/troubled individual that your husband is better off without.
I understand your husband considering giving you another chance if there were children involved.
But why bother now? Is it because you can't find anyone better at the moment? You only get 3 strikes in baseball.

You didn't appreciate him, your decisions & behavior were selfish, deceitful and cruel. You treat your dog better than your husband. 
Your posts sound self centered and focused on yourself. If you truly honestly love him, you'd set him free to find someone that is not as deeply confused/troubled as you. 

Does he read your posts?


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## sokillme

He might have but that was 6 years ago.


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## lifeistooshort

This thread has been inactive for 6 years.

Time to close it.


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