# pathetic new life



## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

So I dropped the boys off at their dad's place this afternoon. My husband wanted to talk about some bills that are due soon but I wasn't in the mood to talk about it. This past week, my husband texted me and asked me to help him with a few things. I happily did it for him. Then when I talked to him on the phone, he made me feel like I was doing something behind his back or something. I was just trying to be nice and help him. Anyways...that put me in a pissy mood. He could tell something was wrong when I dropped the boys off...I told him what was bothering me. I also told him that he doesnt have to worry about me anymore...because I am not his problem anymore. He got mad and said that was very mean of me to say. Needless to say, I left after that mad and he was mad as well. I came home and took a shower to a quiet house...it is lonely. I can't handle any of this anymore. The feelings of sadness. The feelings of anger. The feelings of being so overwhelmed. The feelings of being alone. All my girlfriends are telling me the same thing....that I need to love me....then everything will fall into place. Problem is....I dont love me. And I don't know how to reverse that thought. My friends all say that I need to stop beating myself up over the situation. They say it is not all my fault....even though I will take the whole blame. They say that my husband is the one that made this decision to leave and want a divorce. So therefore it becomes his problem...not mine. How and when will I be able to get past this? I don't know how much more I can take.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

neither of you need to blame each other or accept the blame...it was both of you, the couple, that created the situation...sure, each of you made bad decisions, but a marriage takes 2 to make it work and 2 to make it fall apart...

so dump some weight off your shoulders...relax...or try to relax...

Become the best MOM you can be, devote everything you can into that...love yourself as mom first, then start working on Denise...it will take time, more pain...but eventually it will get better...eventually!


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

The beginnings of the divorce and separation process is the hardest in my opinion. Even if both of you are at the point where divorce seems to be the only option it is still a huge change. Accept the fact that some days are better than others for now, but if it continues that way seek professional help.

Try and work on the things that will separate you from him, tie up loose ends as quickly as possible. Seeing each other or having to talk to each other daily just draws things out. And as you see any little drama like showing hurt feelings does no good at this point. And yes, we all know how hard it is to rise above, I've been divorced two years and still get frustrated when talking with my ex, but I always handle it like a business and stay professional. 

Idle time is a killer in the beginning, try to stay busy, exercise, find a project, meet up with friends, crank the radio up LOUD. Do something nice for someone else, take mom to the store, maybe tell the neighbor how much you've always admired their flower beds. As parents many of us (like me) build our lives around our kids and we get kind of lost when they're not there, when in reality that's not being the best parent. How do you teach kids to be independent if we as adults don't show them by example? I watched my ex sister in law one time reduce her daughter to tears by going on and on about how sad she will be while the daughter was at dads, that does nothing but damage the kid. 

If talking directly to your estranged is to hard right now tell him lets keep it to e-mails and text for a time. Don't fight or argue in front of the kids ever, they love you both. Things will get better and easier, heck my guess is you will come to a point where you look forward to that quiet time when the kids are gone, and there's nothing wrong with that.


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## Lonely720 (Sep 19, 2010)

DJF is brilliant!


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Lonely720 said:


> DJF is brilliant!


I wish...caused a lot of pain , suffered some...had an affair with a best friend who was suffering from cancer...alcoholic...I can't paint a pretty picture...

but I know a lot about placing blame and I've learned a lot about accepting it...if you place it all on another or accept it all, you'll get lonely quick...


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

Thanks for the advice.


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## hopemom (Dec 22, 2010)

Maybe it would help if you were just polite, say thanks for the offer, but then say you are all set. My H told me just 2 weeks ago he wants out, confirmed it today, but won't talk about how this will actually go. I told him thanks, but I could handle a problem with the printer today and he actually said "don't be like that, let me help while I am here". I have to start protecting myself now. And you know what, I did it. He just sits there all smug


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

I hate smug...it's the worst of the worst...


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## hopemom (Dec 22, 2010)

He is in total control, and while I must say, I am pretty in control over most things in our life together, this is petty and mean, part of me feels like he has earned it a bit, but God, this is awful.


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## pirouline (Jan 23, 2011)

Cooper said:


> The beginnings of the divorce and separation process is the hardest in my opinion. Even if both of you are at the point where divorce seems to be the only option it is still a huge change. Accept the fact that some days are better than others for now, but if it continues that way seek professional help.
> 
> Try and work on the things that will separate you from him, tie up loose ends as quickly as possible. Seeing each other or having to talk to each other daily just draws things out. And as you see any little drama like showing hurt feelings does no good at this point. And yes, we all know how hard it is to rise above, I've been divorced two years and still get frustrated when talking with my ex, but I always handle it like a business and stay professional.
> 
> ...


good advice....its the start of week 2 of my husband leaving me...guess i'll use the time to put on some angry music and clean my bathroom or something....he probably got frustrated with my lack of cleaning skills...so i need to work on that...


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## Talias (Dec 22, 2010)

W and I talked today...her decision is not "final", but she's "leaning" toward divorce. I have lost my mind. I'm the one who made the bad decisions, I'm the one who drove my marriage off the cliff. Maybe there's a chance for her to "lean" the other way? God, I hope so! We've been together over ten years, and I spent so much time crying today, it felt like I was going to implode. I know she reads the forums on here, so she'll probably see this. With that in mind, I'm not writing this just so she'll see it. I love her and the kids very much, and will remain hopeful that we somehow survive this. However, at least 80% of what she said revolved around non-reconciliation, so my chances are pretty slim. Here's hoping!


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## pirouline (Jan 23, 2011)

She reads the forums? Hmm ow that got me wondering mine does too..but i ihighly doubt it....its day 1 of week 2. And i am going insane! I found the something he was looking for and texted himif he needed it..no reply yet....gaaaaaad i hate this...i am feeling the same u were talias...like im about ready to implode!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hopemom (Dec 22, 2010)

Can you do something to distract yourself, workout, read, talk to a friend? I have been in limbo for a month now, have found that working out and reading have really helped.


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## pirouline (Jan 23, 2011)

Dude left me with three kids and no car...althogh its not like i can drive anyway....i think im gonna try tp get the kids in bed early so i can sleep too....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Talias (Dec 22, 2010)

As far as distractions go, I work and play my guitar. I've also started a blog recently. I've been getting things off my chest. That seems to help some, but it's still to early to tell how much. I'll be going to see a counselor soon, just waiting on the referral to get back to me. My blog is linked on my profile, if you want.


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## Talias (Dec 22, 2010)

Well, here's my update: Went to my first counseling appt on Wednesday, and then found out this weekend that DW is done. No reconciliation. Period. I wish everyone better luck than mine.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Talias said:


> Well, here's my update: Went to my first counseling appt on Wednesday, and then found out this weekend that DW is done. No reconciliation. Period. I wish everyone better luck than mine.


I was told via email that he was done, this was on Friday, he's not discussed anything since. I am so hurt and confused by it all 

Until he sends me the papers I remain in hope xx


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