# How to tell him I want a divorce



## Morganpresley24 (May 5, 2018)

Delete


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Have you told him how unhappy you are? Have you suggested he has anger management help?
What form does his anger take?

You will need to get a job that's for sure.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@EleGirl, I think she needs your post about domestic violence and what to do.



Morganpresley24 said:


> I’ve been married 12 years. I’ve been a stay at home mom for 12 years. My husband has a anger problem that is getting worse by the day. I’ve been wanting out since 2014 and I know after the 2 times this week of him going into a rage now is the time to get out . How do I go about it? I have no clue how any of the divorce stuff works especially with me being a sahm and having no money to my name. I’m nervous he will kick me out since he pays the bills and make it look like I abandoned my kids. (We have 3 kids) Do I tell him I want a divorce when the kids are away (in school) or should i do it over the phone? I’m so nervous and I’m scared of how i will get through this financially. Any help would be greatly appreciated.


I hope you come back and read the responses you get. There will likely be some helpful people posting who can give you suggestions. The first thing that comes to my mind is that you are ahead of yourself. If you are afraid to tell your husband, don't tell him. Make a plan.

In order to understand divorce in your state, purchase a book and read it. Get very familiar with divorce in your state. If you own a tablet or other device that you can put a digital book on, that would be a good idea so your husband doesn't see it and get angry. It is okay to hide things from him if he's dangerous, which it sounds like he might be.

Put together a list of your skills and think about where you could work. I understand that it's scary to think about going back to work while your children are still young, but you will be required to get a job. Your husband will have to pay child support and help with childcare, but it depends on various factors whether or not he will be required to assist you financially. 

If you don't have job skills, you might consider going back to school. There might be programs that could help you with that. If you are good with people and like the elderly, you may be able to get a job at a skills nursing facility as a medical assistant. Some of those facilities will pay for your training.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

First thing you need to do is talk to a lawyer.If he tries to kick you out call the cops immediately and if necessary get a restraining order against him.As @Diana7 said you need to get a job and start to earn your own money.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You need to do a little bit of homework. In general, on the internet you can search divorce in your state. You'll get some idea of what the process is, how long it takes, and what the laws are. For example, there may or may not be alimony. Since you've been a sahm for 12 years, in my state you would get 6 yrs of alimony. The idea is you would get some form of job skills, maybe college or a trade, during that time. Your state may or may not have anything like that. Child support is usually very clearly spelled out in the law, and you'll find info on the internet. Specifically, your state's court website will have some very good information on the laws and the process.

You can likely download divorce forms from your state court website. You don't have to use these forms, but they will show you all the information the court will want to see. Assets, debts, income, retirement assets, value of life insurance, ages of your kids, etc etc.

Finally, most lawyers will give you a free 15-30 minute consultation. This is how they find new clients. You can get your basic questions answered about how things usually go for someone in your position where you live. Go to several attorneys to see what the consensus is. Like any profession, some lawyers will tell you what they think you want to hear in order to get your business. If you talk to more than one, you can get a feel for what is likely the real story.

I would suggest you do a little bit of preparation before telling your husband. Download current financial statements from every account you can. Get all the back statements you can, at least 2 years worth. Make copies of at least 2 years of taxes, but more is better. Five years of financial history is probably enough, but that may be a question for the attorney. Get copies of your H's passport, birth certificate, and drivers license. Get your kids birth certificates and passports, as well as yours. Find your marriage certificate if you can. Get copies of titles to the cars and the house. Put all of these things in a safe secure place where he can't get to them. While you haven't indicated he would do anything rash, if you have all of these documents it makes it impossible for him to run with the kids or to falsely claim low income or no assets.

Don't run up debts, and don't hide assets. People will say to stash cash or to hide your jewelry. Ultimately this is not much $ value, and courts will fry you when they find out. It isn't worth the anxiety or consequences of doing this.

Once you've gotten your attorney on board, with his/her advice it will be time to tell your husband. You can do a divorce without an attorney, but since there are kids involved you at the least need an attorney representing your interests who will advise you and then review all the documents. You can use the free court supplied forms, and you can do the legwork of going to the court to file the documents. This will save money over paying the attorney to write things up and to go to the courthouse to file them. But you need to be sure the documents say what you want, and that there are no mistakes or weaknesses. Especially when it comes to the custody of the kids. These documents need to be done properly from a legal wording standpoint so there are no surprises or problems later on.

Almost every divorce settlement is agreed upon by the spouses. Very few are argued in court for the judge to decide. Mediation is a good avenue if you can both be calm enough. It gets very expensive to have lawyers argue. But be sure you are getting a fair deal. If mediation doesn't work, then don't just give away everything.

How to tell him? I'm not sure since you say he has rages. Ele will have good advice. I think you want to have some support and witness there with you. Probably be ready to take the kids somewhere else for the night. If your parents or a sibling live nearby, maybe take them there for the weekend. Discuss with your lawyer any legal issues involved in taking the kids out of the house for a few days. I would suggest you have a voice activated recorder running when you tell him, for your own protection.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are links to two safety/exit plan info sites.....

http://www.ncdsv.org/images/DV_Safety_Plan.pdf

Safety Planning ? Domestic Violence Resource Center

Below is a safety exist plan that I put together. You can look through all this and take what makes sense for you and make your own plan.....

Call 911 and they will help you get away.

* The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support*
If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

========================================

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps. 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

*Get a support system: *



Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.


Also check into legal aid in your area.


Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Check on sites like Amazon for books about divorce in your state. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.


Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 
If you do not have friends of your own, start making them. Even if you don’t share your situation with them, just having a social outlet for you and even your children will help. One way to meet people is to go to www.meetup.com Search for meetup groups in your area. In most areas they have a lot of things to choose from. You just sign up and go.


*Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. *

If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:

your mail from the ‘safe address’

All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account

Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.

Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 

Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 

Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 

Titles, deeds and other property information 

Medical records

Children's school and immunization records

Insurance information

Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 

Welfare identification

Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions
​*Financial Plan*

Consider getting a job as soon as you can if you do not already have one. This will give you access to money and independence.

*Your safety Plan: *

You need a safety plan just in case you need to leave immediately if things get out of hand. 


Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 

Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.

If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 

Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 

Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 

You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 

Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.

If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 

Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 

Hide an extra set of car keys. 

Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 

Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 

Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 

Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 

Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 

Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.

*After Leaving the Abusive Relationship*


 *If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving the family home: *


Change your locks and phone number. 

Change your work hours and route taken to work. 

Change the route taken to transport children to school. 

Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 

Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 

Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 

Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 

​

 *If you leave the family home: *


Do not leave your children with your abusive spouse/partner. Take them with you. Talk to your attorney and/or the abuse organization counselors to make sure you do this in a way that will not jeopardize your future custody rights. You don’t want to look like you are kidnapping your children.

Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 

Change your work hours, if possible. 

Alert school authorities of the situation. 

Consider changing your children's schools. 

Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 

Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 

Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 

Talk to trusted people about the violence. 

Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 

Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 

Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 

Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.

​ 
Here are some ways you can find out things about your finances and some about how you can start saving money in your own name. I’m not putting them on the open forum because I don’t want to tip off people who are abusers.

Some of this might sound crazy. But you are completely in the dark and these are ways that people I know, even I, got the info we needed so that our spouse could not rip us off in a divorce.

Check his wallet and get photographs of any cards and other info that he has in there to include his driver’s license. Make sure to save them somewhere that he cannot get to, like on the cloud.

If he has a brief case do the same thing to it. Do you have a scanner at home? If not get one. I have a small portable that’s easy to use. That’s all you need. Just scan everything in his briefcase into pdf or jpgs. And again keep that info in a cloud account.

If you do use a cloud account, make sure that it does not create an account on your PC that he could see. There is a way to prevent that.

Does he have a home office or a place at home where he works sometimes? If so search it (often). Check the trash.. (I found out all kinds of stuff about my husband by searching his trash. Like I found letters from his affair partner. That’s how I found out about one of his affairs. I also found receipts and statements showing that he was moving money that I earned into accounts and investments in his and his mother’s name. 

Another thing that you might want to try is to go through the trash from his business if you can get to it. Just snatch the bags of trash out of the trash bin into your car, take them some place where he will not see you go through it and search. I kid you not, you can find stuff.

Get a key to his car. Make one if you need to. Then search it often. Search every cranny. Again I found all kinds of info that way. My then husband was hiding papers in the well where the spare tire and tools go. When he traveled, I drove to the airport, found his car in long-term parking and searched it. He was using his car to hide things while he traveled.

Get online and order his credit report. It could lead to all kinds of info on accounts he has.

Search the court records for any law suits. If he has a business, it might have been sued and he might have had to disclose financial info. Here where I live there is a website for the state of New Mexico where we can search on a person’s name to find all court cases of any kind… to include if they were sued, arrested and charged, divorced, etc. I’m sure that New York has something similar.
Make sure that you take an inventory of everything of value in your home. Take photos of everything. And do a walking inventory through the house. That way he cannot hide or dispose of things of value during a divorce.

=========================================

Now about money

Then open bank accounts in your name only. Use an address other than your home address. Also do electronic statements, etc. so that there is no paperwork for him to find. You can open a bank account with as little as $25.

If at all possible, every time you go to a store, get out cash. Even if it’s $10. I know a woman who did this. She’d get out between $40 and $60 with every purchase. It added up… to thousands over a few year period. Make sure that you throw away the receipts before you get home or keep them where he cannot find them. Do not put them in your home trash.

Go through your house and sell anything that you can. Just tell him that you are wanting to simplify your life and declutter. List things on craigslist and sell it. Put the money in your bank account.
Here is a link to a thread about evidence gathering.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I posted "safety/exit plan info above"

You are not near ready to tell him that you want a divorce, not if he is abusive. There are things that you need to put in motion first. We can help you out here some some support and advice. So I have some questions for you.

Could you please descibe these outbursts your husband has. Does he yell at you? get in your face? break and/or throw things? put holes in walls? beat on a table? Does he put his hands on you in anger, or twist your arms, put is hands on your throat? 

Does he do these things to your children as well?

Give details so that we can determine the level of anger and/or violence.

What access do you have to money?

Do you have friends or family who can give you emotional support?

He cannot kick you out of your house. It's your legal residence. You have as much right to be there as he does. If he tries to kick you out, call the police. He could end up with a restraining order so that he cannot go near you and the children.

There is more but this is enough for now. I'll add more once you have replied to my above questions.


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## Morganpresley24 (May 5, 2018)

Delete for safety reasons


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Has he ever hit you or otherwise physically manhandled you?

What you describe is considered domestic violence. 

The message of him putting holes in walls, ripping down doors, etc. is that this time it's the wall/door, be careful because next time it just might be you. You should be afraid of this man, very afraid.

I'm a gun owner and have no problem with people owning guns. I keep a couple loaded in my home at all times. Just wanted you to know that guns don't freak me out. But there is no way your husband should have guns, or be carrying. He is way too volitile.

Does your husband act like this at work? or when shopping or other wise in public? I'll bet now. I'll bet that it's all reserved for you when there are no outsiders around. What that tells you is that he has 100% control over his anger, violence adn outbursts. He does these things because he wants to do them. And he does them because they serve a purpose for him. The purpose is to control you.

This is why you do not tell him right now that you want a divorce. Once you tell him that he will escalate the violence to try to gain control over you again. The most likely time for a woman to be killed is when she tries to leave an abusive husband.

Instead you need to get a plan in place and work it. Get a support system and set things up. That said there is one thing you can do it you want to get him out of the house immediately.... call the police. 

First call the Domestic Violence hotline I posted in the above post. They will help you find an organization near you that can give you some help. Talk to them about you calling the police about what has gone on. Call them while he is at work and show the police the damage he's caused in his violent outbreaks. Ask them to give him a restraining order and keep him away from you and the children.

It is your job to protect your children, so do it.

The domestic violence support organization probably has a list of lawyers who will help you pro bono (meaning free). See what other help they can give as well.

Why is your husband working two jobs? Do you all need the money? You have told him to quit one job, but can he realistically?

Do you and he own the house you live in, or is it rented?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

He sounds about ready to flip. The verbal abuse would be enough to get out ASAP. Do you have family nearby that can help you and the kids? You can seperate first to get out of the abusive situation if there is not enough money to file for divorce. A consultation is a must though.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Have you actually read what people here have been telling you? Especially Elegirl's posts????


You have a lot of homework, fact-finding, planning and preparation to do before giving any hint of wanting a divorce here. 

This is a 100 step process and you are almost on step 2. 

Start thinking about what you are doing and start learning about what getting a divorce actually entails and what your rights and responsibilities will be. 

One of the first steps will be getting a lawyer that works with high-conflict and potentially violent divorces. 

This may seem like a unique and unsurmountable ordeal to you, but divorce lawyers deal with this all day, every day, day in and day out. 

Get a lawyer. Explain the circumstances and explain your objectives. Then do what your lawyer says. 

Don't say anything to your husband until all your ducks are in a row and you are instructed to do so by your lawyer.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

In the planning that you need to do, you need to consider the best interest of your children. You have to protect them from their father.

I was married to a man who was abusive and violent. We had a young son. When my son was 3, I saw a lawyer who advised me to move out to an apartment (leaving the home I owned with my husband). She told me to take my son with me and not tell my husband. Then she and courts would deal with him, and is abuse and his violence.

Well that's not exactly what happened. He has money and so he got an attorney to call an emergency court hearing the next day. It was in the judge's chambers. I told the judge that I moved out with my son because I feared for our safety. My husband put on a good act and said that I made up all the that I had said about his abuse the violence.

The judge asked me if I had ever called the police. Well guess what, I never called the police like a lot of victims of abuse never do. So the judge said that I had no proof that he had abused me or our child. So the judge gave my husband 100% custody of our child. She said that I made an unacceptable unilateral move by taking our son and moving. She also said that since he was just finishing medical school, that the divorce filing would be sealed because we could not have those things said about a doctor. Yep!

With that I stopped the divorce and moved back in with my husband and son. It took me 4 more years to build a case. I also waited for that judge to leave because she is a nutcase. Never wanted to see her again. When I left the 2nd time, I had done all the things in that exit plan. What took so long was that I had to wait until my then husband agreed that I could move out with our son. Eventually he did agree.

But keep in mind that I was not living with the frequency of violence that you are living with. My husband was a doctor and used that as an excuse to stay away for days at time. If I believed what he told me, he put in more hours at the hospital than any other doctor has ever done. LOL It was peaceful when he was gone.

You have a much more immediate problem than I did. You need to get in set up a support system with the dv support organization, a lawyer, your friends and family. And then work your plan one step at a time. And one day the last step you will have to do is to end this marriage.

Also, call the police. They are your protection at this point.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> This is a 100 step process and you are almost on step 2.
> 
> .


Having your husband served is going to be somewhere around Step 94. 


If someone's spouse is a good, decent and cooperative person that is also probably pretty dissatisfied with the marriage and will likely be agreeable to the divorce and likely to be cooperative and collaborative, then it is probably OK to discuss it with them early in the process in hopes that both can work together to make it as amicable and cooperative as possible and save some money on lawyers and mediators etc. 

But if someone is controlling, domineering and volatile and high-conflict, then it is usually in your best interests to get a solid plan in place and get all your ducks in a row and pull the trigger before they really know what's going on so that you are already gone and in a safe place with No-Contact Order and police protection in place when they are served. 

People like this do not magically become decent and cooperative when they are told you want to divorce them.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

MorganPresley24, please listen to EleGirl!

My experience with divorce was run of the mill amicable without children and no domestic violence issues. What I posted is a practical approach to the nuts and bolts of the general legal process of divorce. But your situation is quite different. Your husband is dangerous to you and your children. Your first priority needs to be assuring your safety and your children's safety. The outcome of the divorce in terms of finances is definitely important, but safety is much more important.

Use the support services Ele is telling you about. They should be able to help you with getting the legal help you'll need in the divorce, too, but most of all they will help you get out safely.

I think it would not be wise to go on your own to a lawyer about divorce without first talking to the domestic violence people and/or the police.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

If you call your husband on the phone and tell him you want a divorce things are going to get much, much worse. 

Telling an abuser that you want a divorce will not get you a divorce. For one thing, you don't have to tell him. You simply do it. For another, if you warn him he is likely to retaliate. Abusers abuse. He won't suddenly let you go without a fight and right now he's got all the power.

Making a plan is you building your power to get free. Little by little you work a plan to free yourself and your children from the violence and destruction they are in.

Your husband is not going to admit that he is a violent man or an abuser. He is going to lie and tell the judge that you are a liar and you are crazy. Without any proof of your claims you are likely to end up out of the house without your children and you will be branded a liar. This will give your husband free reign to turn your children against you and things will be much worse than they are now.

This situation calls for some serious planning and preparing in order for you and your children to be safe. If you jump into telling your husband that you want a divorce before you have a clue about what you are doing you will be putting yourself and your children into further danger. This isn't a simple situation with a reasonable person. This is a dangerous situation with a dangerous man. Wake up and deal with it on that level.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I'm not sure if we will hear from the OP again or not. 

Her posts are bringing back some memories I have of a few abused women I have known in my personal life. 

The people I knew seemed to have a sense of magical thinking and weren't really grounded in reality at all. Like the OP, they seemed hyperfocused on just one singular aspect of the whole picture and seemed to lack any kind of grasp of just how multi-faceted and multi-phased the whole thing would be. 

A particular incident that this is triggering is a woman I knew who's husband was a drug addict/dealer and career conman who never worked an honest day in his life. 

He was controlling and abusive and had violent destructive rages at the most insignificant things just like the OP's H. 

This gal was a next door neighbor and close friend of a coworker of mine and I did know her a bit myself. 

One day she and my coworker came to me to discuss her "escape plan." Her plan was to do something or not do something in the house that she knew would set him off. However instead of being inside the house she would sit out on the front steps of the house and would stay outside so that his rage would be outdoors in earshot of the neighbors. 

The neighbors would call the police, the police would come and arrest him and take him jail. 

While he was in jail she would pack up some clothes and the kid and go to a friend's house. 

He would be mad she got him arrested and he would file on her. She would sign papers. Divorce would be peaceful and cooperative. 

She and son would live happily ever after.

She was serious and really thought that this would be what would happen. 

When they told me this "plan", I of course just sat there with my mouth hanging open for awhile :-O

Then I proceeded to explain all of the holes and inadequacies and all of the delusions and downright craziness of this plan. 

The first question that I asked which resulted in a complete deer-in-the-headlights look was - "what if the neighbors don't call the cops?" ........ complete silence with crickets chirping in the background. 

Well anyway, they decided to move forward with this grand scheme of escape and happily ever after. 

She left the cupboard door open or whatever it was that was supposed to trigger his rage and she sat out on the front steps waiting for rage and the call for help from the police -

- and he didn't notice or didn't care about whatever it was she did. No rage. No yelling. No calls to the police. No arrest. No escape. No divorce. 

From there it was status quo and business as usual. 

These people do not think straight. They have been abused and manipulated and brainwashed so much, they do not have a working sense of reality. They have no concept of how the system works or what really takes place in getting away from a tyrant and how a marriage is dissolved ( and this gal I was talking about had been divorced at least once before but she was still clueless)

Morgan reminds me of that woman I knew. Hyperfocused on one detail of a large and multi-faceted issue and process. Not hearing what others are saying. 

I think she read Elegirl's post and the suggestions of lawyers and secret bank accounts and thought, "..Oh that will make him mad..." and she stopped reading and stopped thinking about it and hung the idea up right there. The realities and the steps needed to make one safe and to get away from a controlling abuser were too much and did not fall in line with her magical thinking of a perfect line to say that would transform him into a decent and cooperative person and that would make all this badness dissipate into thin air.


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## Morganpresley24 (May 5, 2018)

Thanks for all the advice. He has brought up separating before and told me he would support me forever and wouldn’t make it hard on me if I wanted to leave him. I’m 50/50 on believing him because I do know deep down he wants to do good he just has some major issues from an abusive childhood he grew up in . He’s getting a big bonus at the end of May that will pay off all my debt and save us about 900/month in payments so I feel it’s smart to stay for that. I haven’t contacted a lawyer yet because I don’t think he will fight me for custody-I think he will pay my way and the kids way for a few months if I agree to take care of them all summer so we don’t have to pay someone to watch them while we both work. I do think he will make me move out to an apartment because he won’t want to leave our home that he pays so much for. That’s fine with me if I move out -I would probably go stay with my mom. The reason he has a 2nd job is we went to a Dave Ramsey class and we have spent the last year trying to get out of credit card debt . 

I’m listening to everything everyone says . Although he calls me stupid I know I’m a smart girl and I have been planning leaving him for awhile. I don’t have access to the money so that’s the biggest issue for me. I also know how to talk to him and I’m trying to decide which way to go about telling him . If I convince him this is all his idea I think the outcome with be much much better. When he isn’t raging he is normally very calm and will talk to me without going crazy . I think he wants out also but won’t admit it. He’s mentioned us separating more than once and how it would be better for both of us so it’s not like this is going to be out of the blue to him. My biggest issue is money . I have no idea how to pay my own way with 3 kids if he does decide he doesn’t want to pay for us. I don’t want to be tied to him in any way but what other options do I have at this moment?


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> First thing you need to do is talk to a lawyer.If he tries to kick you out call the cops immediately and if necessary get a restraining order against him.As @Diana7 said you need to get a job and start to earn your own money.



All great advice Andy The only thing to add is

Get Family support ASAP

55


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Morganpresley24 said:


> I’ve been married 12 years. I’ve been a stay at home mom for 12 years. My husband has a anger problem that is getting worse by the day. I’ve been wanting out since 2014 and I know after the 2 times this week of him going into a rage now is the time to get out . How do I go about it? I have no clue how any of the divorce stuff works especially with me being a sahm and having no money to my name. I’m nervous he will kick me out since he pays the bills and make it look like I abandoned my kids. (We have 3 kids) Do I tell him I want a divorce when the kids are away (in school) or should i do it over the phone? I’m so nervous and I’m scared of how i will get through this financially. Any help would be greatly appreciated.


*Do you have any relatives nearby that you and the kids could stay with until you got on your feet?

As far as telling him, please consult with a good family lawyer first! Then, since he historically has a history of abhorrent, violent tendencies, I would leave with the kids and then either tell him by phone or have him legally served! 

If you do choose to do it in person however, make sure that you have several people/witnesses there with you! After all, there is safety in numbers!*


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I'm glad you came back and I hope you stick around and read people's posts and really let their advice and insights sink in. 

I still have grave concerns that you are not seeing the realities of the situation fully however. 

I am going to address a number of things you said in bold below.





Morganpresley24 said:


> Thanks for all the advice. He has brought up separating before and told me he would support me forever and wouldn’t make it hard on me if I wanted to leave him.
> 
> *He is controlling, domineering abusive and manipulative. Those are character issues and part of his being. That means that he also lies and will also say things that he thinks you want to hear one minute and will do the exact opposite the minute he thinks something else will be to his benefit.
> 
> ...


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Having your children exposed to that type of anger, violence, and abuse on a regular basis can cause them some serious issues in life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Morganpresley24 said:


> I have no idea how to pay my own way with 3 kids if he does decide he doesn’t want to pay for us. I don’t want to be tied to him in any way but what other options do I have at this moment?


Do you understand that he has no choice but to help support his own children? This is why you need a lawyer.

The way it works is not that he pays the bills and maintains control of the money. Instead the court will order him to pay you spousal support and child support until the divorce is final. After the divorce you will get child support from him and most likely rehabilitative spousal support so that you can get some job training and get a job that will pay enough to help support your children.

If you do not get a lawyer and get things put in place legally he will screw you over. It is very common for abusive men to make promises like they will support you even if you split... saying that makes them feel better about themselves. But they do not mean it . Your husband does not mean it. My ex said it and he did not mean it either.

If you split with the idea that he is going to support you, what you are doing it giving him complete control over you. After all, you have to do whatever he says so that he will pay your bills and maybe give your some money? Or is he going to do your grocery shopping too?

Who does your grocery shopping right now? You or him? Do you have any money to spend at all?


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## kekkek (Apr 5, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> I'm glad you came back and I hope you stick around and read people's posts and really let their advice and insights sink in.
> 
> I still have grave concerns that you are not seeing the realities of the situation fully however.
> 
> I am going to address a number of things you said in bold below.


Fantastic post, with such detailed and wise advice. I hope OP will take it to heart.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Which of the suggestions you have received here are you going to start with? Are you going to buy a book on divorce in your state and read up about it on state websites or are you going to continue wondering how this is all going to magically fall into place and you will be rescued somehow without having to make a plan and be responsible for yourself and your children?


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