# Help me out please ...



## HisSummerRose (Dec 10, 2008)

I am on a board & it's a CHRISTIAN BOARD ok ... and I am a member there & have been since DAY 1 ok my post count is not that HIGH but still I'm up there & have made some wonderful friends ... & a few of them ARE MALE FRIENDS ... we like to joke around when we send each other Private Messages ... like one that I sent him in was telling him that ...

HIM:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO FOR A RIDE w/ THE COWBOY
ME:
I would love to go for a ride with the COWBOY 
HIM:
OK come on over & hop on & let's go for a ride
ME:
Thanks for the wonderful ride
HIM:
Anytime

And, what I am getting at is a PM {Private Message} suppose to be private and between the person your writting and not any other person or person on the board ...

Ok what I am getting at is that the ADMIN sent me a note today getting after me for the note that I sent along with a picture of a cowgirl ... with just shorts on and holding her boobs and she was not happy with it ... so I sent something back to the admin and told her that it was all in fun ... she thought that I am out right having a affair with this other member that I send notes to and she said that if things do not GET CLEANED UP we both will be banned from the board ... and not only that she will go to my daughter who is also on the board and tell her what is going on w/ this other member ... 

I told her IT WAS KNOWN of my daughter's business of what I am doing ... this is all in fun and we { me & my male friend } are just very close & talk with each other via the phone during his lunch break and just talk about family, work & plans for what we are going to do w/ family over the weekend ... nothing more

So, what do you think ... should we find some place to go and chat online or come up with a e mail address that we can use to share things that we do not want others to find out about ?

Remember this me & my male friend are just close friends. We have never met nor do we live close as I am in Ohio & he is in Florida ... 

Give me some feedback here ?


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

1. If it is a Christian site, I understand the admin telling you to keep the PMs "clean" (and a girl topless holding her boobs isn't 'clean').

2. The admin was wrong to threaten telling your daughter.

3. Getting another "secret" email account to be able to email this guy is getting close to "crossing the line".

I have learned over the years that if what I'm doing online is something I wouldn't do if my wife was right over my shoulder, then I shouldn't be doing it.

Would you have cared if your husband had seen those PMs with that picture?

If the answer is "no, he could have seen it" then why do you need a new email account and not just use an existing one?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Lady Karen said:


> WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO FOR A RIDE w/ THE COWBOY
> ME:
> I would love to go for a ride with the COWBOY
> HIM:
> ...


If my wife had an exchange like that online, I would have a serious problem with it. And the distance and not meeting has nothing to do with it. An EA transcends such things. If I were you I would take a serious look at what it really is. I suspect you are in deeper than you think. And OBTW my wife swore he was just a friend. Guess what, Wrong!


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## HisSummerRose (Dec 10, 2008)

revitalizedhusband said:


> 1. If it is a Christian site, I understand the admin telling you to keep the PMs "clean" (and a girl topless holding her boobs isn't 'clean'). 2. The admin was wrong to threaten telling your daughter. 3. Getting another "secret" email account to be able to email this guy is getting close to "crossing the line".
> 
> I have learned over the years that if what I'm doing online is something I wouldn't do if my wife was right over my shoulder, then I shouldn't be doing it. Would you have cared if your husband had seen those PMs with that picture? If the answer is "no, he could have seen it" then why do you need a new email account and not just use an existing one?





Amplexor said:


> If my wife had an exchange like that online, I would have a serious problem with it. And the distance and not meeting has nothing to do with it. An EA transcends such things. If I were you I would take a serious look at what it really is. I suspect you are in deeper than you think. And OBTW my wife swore he was just a friend. Guess what, Wrong!




Thank you for the feedback on this issue ... as I said my male friend I are just 2 friends and everyone is thinking that it is ah something much more ... but it's NOT so I am thinking of telling this " MALE FRIEND " that we should just break off our friendship and move on ... so thanks again !!!


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I understand it can be fun to be flirty online. Many married people are doing it and getting away with it, but do you really want to be the one that gets caught by your husband? If he knows of all your PM's with your close male friends and approves, then more power to you. If he will be jealous and threaten divorce, then you may reconsider how close you want that Florida guy to be. People have different degress of openness in a marriage. Good luck.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

I'll just put it this way.

If I logged into my wife's Facebook for some reason and saw that exact exchange in PMs with a guy, any guy...I would be PISSED!

She would be pissed if it were me too, just FYI.


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

All the above posts are spot-on too, about not doing something you wouldn't want your spouse to see...
however: I think if a site says they have Private Messaging, then it should be private and not visible to anyone, including the Admin. Maybe that's not how sites work, but that's what I would have expected.


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

Just in case anyone's wondering... we don't read private messages here, and don't intent to. As far as I know, vbulletin (the software this forum runs on) doesn't even provide that functionality out-of-the-box. You would have to modify it some kind of way.

From an ethical standpoint, I don't think a forum admin should read user pm's. I can't see any reason why and admin would do this. 

I have had users forward pm's to me, complaining about spam or threats, which is different. When someone complains about a pm, we usually take action by banning the spammer or person who makes the threat.


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## Rattlehead (Apr 28, 2009)

I agree with Chris H & Leadorus. Private Messages should be left private and not read by website administrators. However, I ran a website for about 5 or 6 years that had vBulletin forum software. I was also a member of another site where we created hacks (software modifications) to improve the forum, add new features, etc. I'm not sure if there's one availible for reading private messages, but it wouldn't suprise me. It wouldn't be difficult to create a script with a query that pulls private message info from the database for vbulletin or any other forum software for that matter. 

Anyway, like I said I think its unethical for an admin to read private messages from his members unless he or she clearly states (in the website usage terms) that private messages are not private and can be read by the admin. Unfortunately site administrators do not have to follow this guideline.


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

And in Lady Karen's case, it's even more unethical if the Admin is threatening to tell her daughter about what LK has been posting. That's just all kinds of wrong.

I'd stay off that site and wouldn't trust the Admin there.


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## HisSummerRose (Dec 10, 2008)

Leahdorus said:


> And in Lady Karen's case, it's even more unethical if the Admin is threatening to tell her daughter about what LK has been posting. That's just all kinds of wrong.
> I'd stay off that site and wouldn't trust the Admin there.



Thank you very much ... for what you shared !!! Yes, it is wrong that she go to my daughter & tell her. When I told her the ADMIN that I would take care of things on my own I am going to do just that ... as far as being on the board well I am going to be laying low there for a little while and so thanks for all the notes all !!!


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

yep I am sad to see this other admin abuse her powers, lady karen leave the site and talk to your friend another way.

IF chris read my PM's I would have been banned a long time ago...:rofl:


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

pm or not, it's their board. go back and read the guidelines you checked off on when you signed up/registered. i'm sure there's something in there somewhere. play by their rules or start your own forum.

btw- i'm not saying that a cute little exchange like the one you described isn't cute and fun. and i'm the LAST person to throw stones. just follow their rules. imo


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I'm going to leave the content of the PM to one side.

What I am concerned about is the fact that PMs are monitored. In the Christian community this kind of "apron string" close management of people is called "Heavy Shepherding" I left my fellowship over this. When I look back on what was going on, I would have to call it abuse. But then I was a sucker to let them have power over me. I was only 24 at the time (cute huh? ). 

So many strange things are done in the Lord's name. Maybe that's why he said "Let your yes be yes, and your no, be no".

Just a question... did they say PMs were being intercepted? Did they tell you they were actually going to read all the PMs between members in the forum rules section or anywhere else?


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## HisSummerRose (Dec 10, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Just a question... did they say PMs were being intercepted? Did they tell you they were actually going to read all the PMs between members in the forum rules section or anywhere else?


I found this listed under the rules:


8. Confidentiality Reasonable confidentiality will be respected by Staff and Members alike. Do not share information which could be considered reasonably confidential without the permission of the party whose confidentiality is at stake. This includes the contents of email, private messages, instant messages, members' real names, addresses, phone numbers.


I think that if you want to encourage someone or to write or to call that person ... you have a RIGHT to exchange your information via pm if there is no other way of contact w/ that person ...


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## HisSummerRose (Dec 10, 2008)

all of you have been wonderful and I am glad that I have made some wonderful friends here and each of you have been very - good to me and I LOVE EACH of you for being there for me and helping me when I need it so with that I leave this special little gift ...



PS: You will not be leaving this SITE anytime soon as I have to many good friends here !!!


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