# Wife had an eotional affair and I can't stop thinking about it



## dronelife (Sep 1, 2017)

There is alot to say but i am going with the basics and if you have questions just ask. i am 31 my wife and I have been together 9 years, 3 of them married. backround... she lost her ability to carry children at 19 and we must use a surrogate. 

From the end of april to the beginning of june she had an emotional affair with a rebound reltionship she had before me. He is in prison for the second time. it has been more then 5 years since they have seen eachother. She has been ready to start a family since she lost the abiltity to carry a child.
Our relationship hasnt been the best and has been full of dual standards, rude comments, and an unwillingness to look at the root of the issues(all on her part),at least mostly. this is my first marriage and first real relationship. This is her second marriage and 12th (roughly) relationship. all of which have had some drama and issues early on. 

We have both graduated college , finally bought a house and are pretty finacially stable expcept for the 70k surragacy costs. 
She said she started talking to him because i wasnt showing her the intamacy she wanted and not showing that i care about starting a family. Also she walked in on some "me" time and said i mentally cheated on her do to what i was watching while doing the deed.

Last year I told her after multiple counciling sessions that all i needed from her was to calm down and talk and not call names and yell when she was frustrated. she did not comply, for 6 months whenever she called a name or was rude or condescending i would ask very calmly to please stop and to talk to me, there is no need call names(these are over things like a wet rag in the sink, or a bedroom door being opened or not responding to her call fast enough...ect)everytime the response to my request is "well you shouldnt do this or you know i hve to be up at 5 so why didnt you get that ready faster" there is never any give or uderstanding just complaining. 

So after 6 months i started to hold her less because i was hurt and i would tell her this every time and she would just tell me i needed to change. so after 4 months of not being affectionate everyday she started talking to the is guy again who called her from prison that she has slept with in the past. I found the emails 2 months later saying things like i love yo and i want you in my arms, sending pictures (no nudes), i want to be your everything, your sexy i cant wait to see you. #sloppykissesalloveryouevrywhere. and many more things like that. 
On the day i pulled together 50K i found these emails and confronted her. she justified it saying i wasnt being affectionate like she has been asking. but promises to stop and she chooces me. 5 days later i found she was using a friends email to talk to him and still talking on the phone randomly. asked her if she stopped and she said yes and showed her i knew and she was lying. she has now stopped and am pretty confident she has but now she says she wants to start our family now like this month or i need to get out. I told her i needed more then 2 months to heal but she says she has givin me enough time over 9 years. 
I cant stop thinking about the things that were said to eachother and what could have been said over the phone. is this something i will get over or should i eave like was my originally plan before even the second lie about him. Any advice would be amazing . I know i need to leave but feel so bad hurting her (I know its a ridiculus statement). I dont know how to leave and if i will be making a mistake. I am confused hurt and dont know how to do what i should do.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Run for the hills and don't look back.

She is immature. 
She is NOT marriage material. 
She is not showing she is ready for children, which requires patience and solidarity in your relationship. Oh, and for her to have the decency to not to cheat on you...and not blame you for HER cheating. 

Money be dammed... It's a sunk cost. Your dignity and sanity is worth more. 

Divorce and find a woman who has her stuff together and adores you. 

Have children with this woman at your own peril. She sounds ripe for a crash and burn and you're firmly belted into the passenger seat. 

That's all I've got.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Here's the thing.

She is the one in prison.

No "one" man can please her. Hell, twenty men could not please her.

Her mind is locked up in hell. Her body is out free, looking to get laid by any man that takes her fancy.

It is not you. You are a decent guy married to a tramp, a broken women. Her ovaries are not broken, her mind is.

Her skin is extremely thin. Razor thin.

She is a user. She sees men for what they can give her. And that is sex and ****s and money. In reality, she hates men. she does not want to admit it.I


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Run like hell as fast from her as you can! Your lack of confidence is what's holding you back, but let me tell you that is a terrible reason to tolerate being treated badly and being unhappy. Once you dump her, you'll start gaining confidence because you finally stood up for yourself. Then just take your time and start living your life in a way that would attract the type of partner you want and you will eventually meet her. If you ever run into a woman that is that disrespectful again the magic words GTFO work wonders at stopping it.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Even without the affair I would tell you to leave and not plan a child. 

She can't fight fair, she calls names, blows up. It's abusive. She's not healthy. The longer you stay the worse your self esteem will be and the harder it will be to leave. 

Add in the affair and there is just no point even trying to save this.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

She has shown you who she is.

Believe her!

Run!


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Do NOT have a child with her. She is not parent material or wife material. Divorce her and let her have her prison inmate.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Having a child with this woman would be the biggest mistake of your life...second only to your decision to marry her in the first place.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

dronelife said:


> I just dont know if i will find another woman or one that is even nicer.


I have no doubt that you can find someone better than what you're currently enduring. Don't have any kids with her. You will tie yourself to two decades of pure sorrow.

Get out now. No woman is better than spending your life like this.



tx-sc said:


> Divorce her and let her have her prison inmate.


Yes, give her the life partner she so richly deserves.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This is not how you want to live your life. 

Move on.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Drone, I want you to picture a baby growing up in a family where the wife keeps cutting the husband down over and over again in front of the child...what do you think that child will learn from that? She has proven that she will shred you to ribbons or cheat on you....frankly I would rather be happy and alone then live with that....no relationship is better then this...this is the time to grow a spine.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What to do:

Get divorced.

Find a woman that is actually nice to you.

Have a baby with her.

Enjoy your new family.

Your wife SOUNDS like a MONSTER. You'll probably convince yourself she's not that bad and go back to her and have a baby with her so she can screw you out of thousands of dollars and you will basically pay her to sleep with someone else when she divorces you.
Stop the madness. Get out.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Her and her convict affair partner sound perfect for each other.

You, on the other hand, need to love yourself enough to insist on higher-quality partner.

This is the same thing she is doing. She doesn't much care for herself, and it shows in who she seeks out for intimacy (convict).


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

I can only reiterate what has already been said previously, get a new life with a woman that will want all of you, and she will give all of her to you, that has to be worth the hassle of divorce. Your wife is a no user, any woman that goes behind her husbands back to communicate with a guy in prison is not going to be the women that will make you happy and secure, she will no doubt hook up with him when he is released, take the advice here found, it will be to your benefit long term.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

You have more red flags from her than most do. She is not stable at all. She cares only for herself and her needs. If you bring a child into this world its not going to end well for the child. Imagine she boots you out and moves the prison bird in when he gets out. Soon you will have to pay for everything and watch someone else raise your child. The cheating is horrible but the other things about her is worse. Its only two months and she is like get over it. If you don't walk away from her now and quick you will regret it the rest of your life. I would talk to a lawyer like yesterday and start planning the divorce and push it to happen as soon as possible. 

Never have children with a cheater. Its not worth bringing children in this world so they can learn how to be screwed up too. 

They need healthy stable parents. 

Run and start your new life away from her.

Run....


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## dronelife (Sep 1, 2017)

*Wife had an emotional affair and I can't stop thinking about it*

Thank you all for the replies and the guidance. Again sorry for the mis spellings, punctuations and grammar. I will fix it when i figure out how to edit.

A few more peices of information.

1. She has admitted that talking to him was wrong and unjustifiable. 

2. She knows and has made it clear even if i left he would not be the person she would want to have a family with for many reasons.

3. She had giving me a cutoff to when she wanted to have children and when we would start over a year ago. But still doesnt see her emotional affair as a reason to postpone that date. Its i either love her and want to start a family in the house we bought to do so or get out.

4. It has been over 9 years since she slept with him. And it was never serious.

5. She has admitted that he wont be good for her and just enjoyed the way he made her feel.

Long story short is i know now is not the time to bring a child into the mix. But i have no idea what to do with myself if i leave. We have an amazing time together when we get along, she can be the most amazing woman i have ever met and the meanest. I feel i am still here because its what i know and am afraid of making a horrible mistake by leaving, because if she was just nicer and more understanding and less controlling we could have the best life together anyone could want. However i cant even watch a romantic movie with or without her with getting depressed and thinking of the things she said to him. 

THANKS AGAIN EVERYONE!!! 

I have alot to think about and a huge desicion to make.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

*Re: Wife had an emotional affair and I can't stop thinking about it*



dronelife said:


> Thank you all for the replies and the guidance. Again sorry for the mis spellings, punctuations and grammar. I will fix it when i figure out how to edit.
> 
> A few more peices of information.
> 
> ...


You have a amazing time. Remember there is something in her that is missing. In time you will learn its not you. Its her. She will say it you and you will believe it. We all have. It takes a long time to really see that when a person cheats its because there is something wrong with them. There is something in there life they have to work out and often its when they are not with someone. Keep in mind your a place holder until she gets tired of you and her fantasy guy gets out. 

Good luck


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Clay2013 said:


> Never have children with a cheater.


Exactly. It's bad enough to have children and then find out your children's mom is a cheater. It's a hell of a lot worse to have kids with a known cheater.

My first wife was a cheater. I didn't divorce her because I would have never been able to prove she was an unfit mother based on adultery. These marvelous "laws" we
have would have awarded custody to her, and my children would have been subjected to a parade of selfish men in and out of her bed in front of them. I stayed in the marriage because I could, at least, provide SOME good influence and prevent the parade.

Don't go there. Get out now.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*There are other women out there who'd give their eye teeth to have a loving and caring husband like you and who would be more than willing to unselfishly reciprocate that love and care back to you!

Head for the hills! This woman you're with is simply bad news!*


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Like the others have said, get rid of her.

And beef up your standards for the women with whom you choose to have serious relationships.

I judged the guys I dated and married by their past relationships and how they handled them. I decided that I did not want to waste time with men who needed drama. You like being cuckolded, taking care of someone else's children and going back for more (for example)?

I was once dating a guy whose most recent ex had 3 baby daddys AND she cheated on the guy I was dating. He reassured me that it was over with. It was at a time when I had lower boundaries about how much time since the last relationship and well, how many drama factors are they carrying.

After about 2 months of dating, he called asking to borrow my car..... in that tone of voice that "no" was not an option. I asked him what happened to his car and he told that he loaned it to his ex. So invested in the kids, OF COURSE.

Now a little bit more discerning, I think he lied to me because he had a 2 seater sports car that was not very reliable. How was that going to help a parent with 3 young kids? And also she lived about 3 hours away.

My car could have been spirited out of the city to support some baby mamma I had never even met. And since I owned the car, if she had had an accident, I could have gotten sued.

I didn't drop the guy at that moment (I would now), but I did cool towards him and stopped dating after a couple of months.

IMO, if someone wants to keep in touch with an ex, UNLESS you have a court order to do so, I can't be bothered. No amount of having played house with someone else's kids is going to make me take the risk.

You may also want to raise your standards and minimise the aggro.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

*Re: Wife had an emotional affair and I can't stop thinking about it*



dronelife said:


> Thank you all for the replies and the guidance. Again sorry for the mis spellings, punctuations and grammar. I will fix it when i figure out how to edit.
> 
> A few more peices of information.
> 
> ...


Interesting. Try to read this as a disinterested party. 

She cheated nine years ago and was having an emotional affair with an INMATE. 
She has memories and gets depressed, over another man, when she is with you.
She demands you let it all go if you love her.
She cheated and YOU must do what she wants or leave.




Look up emotional blackmail, manipulation, coercion and abuse.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

No way should you pile on $70K (or more) of debt trying impregnate this woman. You'll be paying back that crap ton of a loan, on top of the eventual child support you'll be paying to her and the inmate. Not only will you end up alone, you'll be broke. 

Find a suitable life mate instead and let this one go.

Run for the hills!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You're hoping and praying that she will change... "if only she would ________."
It doesn't work that way and people rarely change unless they WANT to.

The problems you are having with her now.. magnify them at least 10x when you have children together. Children completely disrupt the relationship... that's almost their single mission, so the relationship needs to be rock solid before they even enter the picture.

I'm going to infer from your posts that in your gut you know you should not have kids with her, hence you wouldn't have posted in the first place. You know her timeline, and that's her legitimate boundary, so really I think you should just leave and learn to be OK without her. Pining for fantasy rather than the reality is a "fool's errand," as they say.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Didnt you see the red flags? One divorce and 20 other relationships at such a young age?
She is abusive and very disrespectful. She appears to care little for you or the hurt she causes you.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

She is not nice. Obviously if this is your first relationship, you have no idea how being treated nicely feels.

Run like hell and do not have a child with this woman..especially if she is having an affair with someone in prison.

My question is, how long is this man in prison..and when he gets out and you and this woman have a child together..even if you leave, this man will have access to your child if she continues to see him.

Something to think about.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

dronelife said:


> I just dont know if i will find another woman or one that is even nicer. I am confused hurt and dont know what to do.


I don't think it'd be that difficult to find someone nicer.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You my friend are about as naive as they come.

Wake up!!!!!


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## dronelife (Sep 1, 2017)

Update- i have made up my mind and am going to call it quites. Tears just thinking about it. I have to finish uo a remodel of the house which will take me another week or 2. Then i will tell her. How do i do it? She will be crying and telling me i am throwing everything away. Do i cut all contact? However there are things to figure out like ehat to do with the house.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Good decision. 

I hope you will be able to stick to it because she's going to try everything she can think of to manipulate you into staying. And if you aren't really strong you won't be able to say no. Keep telling yourself she isn't what you need. And listen to your brain. It won't lie to you. Your heart will.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

dronelife said:


> There is alot to say but i am going with the basics and if you have questions just ask. i am 31 my wife and I have been together 9 years, 3 of them married. backround... she lost her ability to carry children at 19 and we must use a surrogate.
> 
> From the end of april to the beginning of june she had an emotional affair with a rebound reltionship she had before me. He is in prison for the second time. it has been more then 5 years since they have seen eachother. She has been ready to start a family since she lost the abiltity to carry a child.
> Our relationship hasnt been the best and has been full of dual standards, rude comments, and an unwillingness to look at the root of the issues(all on her part),at least mostly. this is my first marriage and first real relationship. This is her second marriage and 12th (roughly) relationship. all of which have had some drama and issues early on.
> ...



Drone life, sorry you are in this situation but a few things come to mind when reading your story

1. She has way more experience than you of relationships, I am wondering how old are you and how come you were never in a relationship before?
2. Your wife's default position to run to another man when she is not having her needs met by you is very immature and after all her experiences, probably wont change and to run to a convict? :scratchhead:
3. She is a cheater, and she is not remorseful, she is blame-shifting and does not realize the damage and hurt she has caused you. Until she does (if she ever does) there should be no starting of a family starting or any acquienscene on your behalf
4. Ask her how she would feel if you started an affair because of the **** way she is treating you
5. I would suggest you tell her to get IC, you will not have kids with her till she owns her **** and shows some remorse and makes right what she has done. If she refuses to you have to consider leaving her as she is toxic
6 Get yourself IC, to work on yourself to help with your shyness and learn how to stand up for yourself in relationships, she is chewing you up and spitting you out. YOu have take back your power and stop letting her rule the roost.

Frankly unless she is willing to change, I do not see a happy marriage and you would be a fool to bring kids into this.
I know friends who have problems with conception, it puts huge strain on the marriage but a decent wife would not do what she is doing.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

dronelife said:


> Update- i have made up my mind and am going to call it quites. Tears just thinking about it. I have to finish uo a remodel of the house which will take me another week or 2. Then i will tell her. How do i do it? She will be crying and telling me i am throwing everything away. Do i cut all contact? However there are things to figure out like ehat to do with the house.





If she is not willing to own what she has done and own her behaviour then you have to call it quits and walk away. Get all your ducks in a row, see a lawyer, confide in a close friend, tell your family why you are doing this (so she will not rewrite history), sort out your finances, etc. When you have all sorted then give her the divorce papers. Explain to her why, maybe she will learn something from it.


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