# How to approach g/f's best friends new B/F



## Talk2Me (Mar 22, 2019)

A little backstory. My g/f's best friend has been in a VERY toxic relationship for the past 4 years. This guy is BEYOND a loser. A couple key points:

He's a Meth addict
He has a sexual addiction and has slept with OVER 400 MEN...
See Above, he's gay not straight (I don't care that he's gay just stating he's NOT into women)
She's the only female he's ever been with
He's controlling and mentally abusive
Honestly, he's just a terrible human being

Anyways, we've been trying hard to get her to leave him but she's young and thinks she's in love. He just got back from drug rehab and within a week he relapsed and started using. (At a drug rehab meeting mind you) She started showing interest in a colleague of hers and she invited him out while she was with my g/f getting dinner.

Afterwards, they come back to our house and he's mostly fine. However, I keep catching him STARING at my g/f uncontrollably. Not to brag my my g/f is beautiful and I understand guys look. Anyways, it keeps going on and on. At this point I'm grilling him and catch him every time he does it and he just looks down with the "crap i just got busted again" look. I finally mention something to my g/f and she rolls her eyes at me. 2 minutes later she realizes I was not making it up and she starts getting really uncomfortable. We bring it up to her friend who gets pissed off and leaves.

Fast forward to the next day and we all went out without him. She decides to invite him back over when we get back to our house and it starts up again. Right when I was ready to confront him about it they had to leave so it didn't happen. Next time they are around and I catch him I was planning on pulling him aside and telling him that I'm not OK with it and it's making me angry. He's also making my g/f really uncomfortable about it and it's very insensitive to her friend because they are "dating" kind of.

I'm trying to do this without being too confrontational but I'm also pretty jacked and trained MMA for a long long time with cauliflower ear etc. Obviously, I don't want to fight him or beat him up but I do want him to know that I'm not going to allow him to continue constantly checking her out.

How do you propose I confront him without making him feel like I'm bullying him and so that it doesn't piss off my g/f's friend as our main goal is to get her to leave her current b/f and we're almost there.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You've already said how:

" I was planning on pulling him aside and telling him that I'm not OK with it and it's making me angry. He's also making my g/f really uncomfortable about it and it's very insensitive to her friend because they are "dating" kind of."

Don't yell or get intimidating, just state this above. Tell him the next time he does it, you will say the same thing in front of the girl he is dating. If he does it after that, he will feel a more potent reminder...


----------



## Talk2Me (Mar 22, 2019)

jlg07 said:


> You've already said how:
> 
> " I was planning on pulling him aside and telling him that I'm not OK with it and it's making me angry. He's also making my g/f really uncomfortable about it and it's very insensitive to her friend because they are "dating" kind of."
> 
> Don't yell or get intimidating, just state this above. Tell him the next time he does it, you will say the same thing in front of the girl he is dating. If he does it after that, he will feel a more potent reminder...


I agree. I think I will say to him that when I catch him doing it again I'm going to call him out in front of everyone. My buddies joke and say they check her out all the time but it's different bc they would never act on it and I think this kid would given the opportunity.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

The other thing -- have your g/f call him out and tell him to knock it off, or she will slap his eyeballs out of his head!


----------



## Talk2Me (Mar 22, 2019)

She joked and said she should pull him aside and put her hand on his shoulder and say "I see you staring at me, what are you thinking?" Lead him on for a minute and then cut him right down. She just doesn't want to hurt her friend. She kept saying that she couldn't understand why he kept looking at her that way as she was lounging in her sweatpants and one of my t-Shirts. It's not like she was trying to look hot.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

What happens if you set a hard line?

"He's bad news. He makes you uncomfortable. He makes me uncomfortable. He's using drugs. He's using 'Best Friend'. I don't want him here. I don't want to see him."

I don't know where you are at age-wise, but I can tell you this kind of crap went out the window with me a long, long, time ago. If your GF chooses to still socialize with them, she can choose to do so outside of your home.

You know the old adage: You can't be responsible for someone elses behavior, but you can be responsible for yours. 
Don't suffer fools ... or addicts that stare at your girlfriend.


----------



## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

ummmm your GF needs to find a new BF. problem solved.

I don't care how long they have been friends. meth heads are unpredictable and can be violent. I wouldn't be around this guy for any reason and your GF should tell her friend the same.


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I'd simply tell the best friend that you're sorry but her "boyfriend" is no longer welcome in your home. I would not want an admitted meth addict in my home whether he was staring at me or not. End of story.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I wouldn't have that around me. Period.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I read that as two different boyfriends: the old BF was the meth addict, the new BF is the moron who stares.

Apparently she likes to pick losers. How is it that she can't see the guy staring at her friend? Or does she see it and not care because she's still into the meth addict?


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Talk2Me said:


> I'm trying to do this without being too confrontational but I'm also pretty jacked and trained MMA for a long long time with cauliflower ear etc. Obviously, I don't want to fight him or beat him up but I do want him to know that I'm not going to allow him to continue constantly checking her out.


I figured you were a youngin' and that silliness proves it. When you have to start bragging about how strong you are and how you could beat someone up just because they're looking at your girlfriend, then it really shows your age.

Your girlfriend obviously likes the attention she's getting from creeper boy or she'd put a stop to her best friend bringing him to your house - and he's come over *HOW* many times, now? But she hasn't told her to stop bringing him. I'm sure ONE of you has the guts to tell her best friend that 'creeper boy' is disrespecting you both with his behavior and he's no longer allowed in your house. Why the hell are you trying to come up with foolish remedies for putting this guy in his place? All you* really* need to do is tell her best friend to start taking her pet elsewhere because he has a problem respecting both of you in your own home and you're not going to stand for it.

Problem solved.

Stop petting the drama llama.


----------



## Talk2Me (Mar 22, 2019)

AliceA said:


> I read that as two different boyfriends: the old BF was the meth addict, the new BF is the moron who stares.
> 
> Apparently she likes to pick losers. How is it that she can't see the guy staring at her friend? Or does she see it and not care because she's still into the meth addict?


YES, to be VERY clear they are 2 different guys. The long term bf is a Meth Addict and the new guy is the one with the staring problem.

Her friend has really low self esteem. she's super nice but very naive to say the least. She recently put on 100lbs of fat within 1 year. (not making fun of her or bashing her it's a fact) My g/f worked with the new guy for a few months and said he's a decent guy. The creeper thing is new or she never noticed it before. She said he's harmless and we know it won't be a long term relationship but figure it will enough to pry her away from the Meth head. The other issue is her friend is this kids direct supervisor so clearly not a great situation either.


----------



## Talk2Me (Mar 22, 2019)

He's only been over twice and we want her to leave the Meth addict so that's why we haven't approached him yet. They wanted to hang out with us last night but we declined.


----------



## Talk2Me (Mar 22, 2019)

notmyjamie said:


> I'd simply tell the best friend that you're sorry but her "boyfriend" is no longer welcome in your home. I would not want an admitted meth addict in my home whether he was staring at me or not. End of story.


it is two different guys. The Meth addict is her bf of 4 years. We do not allow him around our house at all. We dislike him and she and he are both very aware of this. He knows we detest him and he knows he isn't welcome around us. We've bumped into the two of them out grocery shopping and we're civil but we don't allow him at our house. I also have a 10 year old son and would never in a million years allow this guy near my son.


----------



## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I figured you were a youngin' and that silliness proves it. When you have to start bragging about how strong you are and how you could beat someone up just because they're looking at your girlfriend, then it really shows your age.
> 
> Your girlfriend obviously likes the attention she's getting from creeper boy or she'd put a stop to her best friend bringing him to your house - and he's come over *HOW* many times, now? But she hasn't told her to stop bringing him. I'm sure ONE of you has the guts to tell her best friend that 'creeper boy' is disrespecting you both with his behavior and he's no longer allowed in your house. Why the hell are you trying to come up with foolish remedies for putting this guy in his place? All you* really* need to do is tell her best friend to start taking her pet elsewhere because he has a problem respecting both of you in your own home and you're not going to stand for it.
> 
> ...


Exactly ... you are in all of these dysfunctional relationships because you CHOOSE to be.

Grow UP!!!


----------



## Talk2Me (Mar 22, 2019)

MyRevelation said:


> Exactly ... you are in all of these dysfunctional relationships because you CHOOSE to be.
> 
> Grow UP!!!


Grow up???? WTF are you talking about? Seriously.... He's come over twice for a total of maybe an hour and a half. It's not about growing up at all. It's about doing what it takes to get her away from her Meth addict loser bf. Honestly, that's more important to us than some idiot staring at my g/f.


----------



## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

You come here asking for advice on how to deal with a variety of dysfunction and then ignore the advice you sought in every thread you start.

You are in these situations because you choose to continue in dysfunction. You can get out of any of them by simply saying NO and removing yourself or the other person, but instead you wring your hands and gaze at your navel.

Yes ... GROW UP and take responsibility for your own life and choices.


----------



## Talk2Me (Mar 22, 2019)

MyRevelation said:


> You come here asking for advice on how to deal with a variety of dysfunction and then ignore the advice you sought in every thread you start.
> 
> You are in these situations because you choose to continue in dysfunction. You can get out of any of them by simply saying NO and removing yourself or the other person, but instead you wring your hands and gaze at your navel.
> 
> Yes ... GROW UP and take responsibility for your own life and choices.


Why am I in dysfunctional relationships? What are you talking about? I'm happy in my life and I don't have to take all the advice given here. Some of it is good but some of it is horrible like yours. What makes you think you are better than me or anyone else? Get off your high horse.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Talk2Me said:


> What makes you think you are better than me or anyone else? Get off your high horse.


Perhaps you should consider doing the same.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Talk2Me said:


> Why am I in dysfunctional relationships? What are you talking about? I'm happy in my life and I don't have to take all the advice given here. Some of it is good but some of it is horrible like yours. What makes you think you are better than me or anyone else? Get off your high horse.


One thing to keep in mind here on TAM is that this forum is open to the public so you will get all kinds of replies. Some of them will not sit well with you. Your best bet is to ignore those posts.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Talk2Me said:


> Why am I in dysfunctional relationships? What are you talking about? I'm happy in my life and I don't have to take all the advice given here. Some of it is good but some of it is horrible like yours. What makes you think you are better than me or anyone else? Get off your high horse.


Guys like this are known as orbiters. When you date really hot girls you are always going to have guys like this around so you need to accept this as a fact.
First thing is don’t look on him as a threat to your relationship, he’s not. He’s a “nice guy” who thinks if he hangs around long enough he may stand a chance but in reality he doesn’t have a hope in hell of attracting the object of his desires.
Don’t get in his face,you will end up looking like a jerk. 
Remember he’s not a “player” he doesn’t have the game.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Talk2Me said:


> She joked and said she should pull him aside and put her hand on his shoulder and say "I see you staring at me, what are you thinking?" Lead him on for a minute and then cut him right down. She just doesn't want to hurt her friend. She kept saying that she couldn't understand why he kept looking at her that way as she was lounging in her sweatpants and one of my t-Shirts. It's not like she was trying to look hot.


No offense, but your gf's friend NEEDS to be hurt. At least enough to wake up about the types of guys she is drawn to. Maybe ask your gf to find ways to bring this up when they're alone.


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Talk2Me said:


> it is two different guys. The Meth addict is her bf of 4 years. We do not allow him around our house at all. We dislike him and she and he are both very aware of this. He knows we detest him and he knows he isn't welcome around us. We've bumped into the two of them out grocery shopping and we're civil but we don't allow him at our house. I also have a 10 year old son and would never in a million years allow this guy near my son.


That's a relief to hear. I'd still tell her you're sorry but this guy gives off a creepy vibe and you won't be inviting him into your home anymore. Then decline any invitations that include him. If she asks why, be honest. 

I know that's real easy for me to type and not so easy for you to do, but it needs to be done. Just do it and get it over with, you and your wife will be happier for it.

And tell her that whatever well she's been going to find these guys is seriously flawed and she needs to find a new well.

Good luck!!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Andy1001 said:


> Guys like this are known as orbiters. When you date really hot girls you are always going to have guys like this around so you need to accept this as a fact.
> First thing is don’t look on him as a threat to your relationship, he’s not. He’s a “nice guy” who thinks if he hangs around long enough he may stand a chance but in reality he doesn’t have a hope in hell of attracting the object of his desires.
> Don’t get in his face,you will end up looking like a jerk.
> Remember he’s not a “player” he doesn’t have the game.


IDK, I don't see anything wrong with going up to him and calmly saying 'you're here because we've invited you here; you know you're being rude and I don't like it. Either change your ways or you won't be welcome back.'


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Talk2Me,

Just to be clear, Meth-head BF#1 is out if the picture and Staring-guy is BF#2. Your GF would like her best friend to not have an excuse to go back to Meth-head, but since discovering that Staring-guy is gawking, she feels uncomfortable and you feel like defending your lady.

Here’s my thought: if you go over to Staring-guy and tell him to knock it off or else, you come off like a control freak or like you are possessive. If your GF does it, I think she would send a better message—namely a) she does not want or appreciate his stares, and b) she won’t hesitate to stand up for herself, you, and the relationship.

So have her shut him down and shut him down pretty hard (no uncertain terms). Let him know she’ll just talk to him and request that he stop now, but that if he chooses to ignore the request she will call him out on it in public. And if he chooses to ignore it after that she will call in reinforcements (you) and it will be dealt with Mano-e-mano


----------



## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Find better friends.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Talk2Me said:


> She joked and said she should pull him aside and put her hand on his shoulder and say "I see you staring at me, what are you thinking?" Lead him on for a minute and then cut him right down. She just doesn't want to hurt her friend. She kept saying that she couldn't understand why he kept looking at her that way as she was lounging in her sweatpants and one of my t-Shirts. It's not like she was trying to look hot.


I agree with AffairCare that it will not come off well if you tell this guy to back off. Also, he can take it as you protecting your turf. But so what, you are not her and she has not told him to jump in a lake. A real creepy guy will take that as her still being someone he can pursue.

If he's approached, it should come from her. But what is suggested in your post here would be a disaster. If your gf leads him on for a bit, he will take it as that. And even if she then shuts him down, he can tell the girl he's dating that your gf came on to him. That could end the friendship between the two women.

She just has to let him know that she's only interested in you.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Also, if your gf wants to help her friend, she should be encouraging her to do things to lose that weight. Gaining 100 lbs in one year is a HUGE red flag. What happened to her that turned her life upside down a year or so ago? 

Perhaps instead of encouraging her friend to date a creep dweeb, your gf could help her get on a good diet (see Dr. Bern Keto diet) on youtube.com and can get her doing active things that do not include a date.

What sort of activities do all like to do? Check out meetup.com. It's a site that has all kinds of things people can do. Here were I live there are hundreds of things to choose from, many of the active things that would help the friend improve her health and meet new people, and hopefully a much more emotionally healthy guy.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

x598 said:


> ummmm your GF needs to find a new BF. problem solved.
> 
> I don't care how long they have been friends. meth heads are unpredictable and can be violent. I wouldn't be around this guy for any reason and your GF should tell her friend the same.


:iagree:


----------



## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Maybe she Should go back to Meth-head.

Those extra pounds will just melt off.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

turnera said:


> IDK, I don't see anything wrong with going up to him and calmly saying 'you're here because we've invited you here; you know you're being rude and I don't like it. Either change your ways or you won't be welcome back.'


It would only give him encouragement if the op did this. He would feel that the girl is into him but her boyfriend is trying to block him. 
I don’t mean to come across as some kind of Casanova here but I was lucky enough from a young age to have really hot girlfriends. Just as hot girls learn to deflect unwanted male attention, guys who date hot girls learn to accept that other men will find their girlfriend attractive. 
It’s like dating a hot woman who works in a bar. A lot of male customers are going to try it on with her. She has to learn to deflect them without being rude and the boyfriend has to realize that part of her job is to be nice to the customers. 
Unless the op thinks his girlfriend is attracted to this loser then he either does nothing or else let’s his girlfriend handle it. Anything else is self destructive. 
I think that a lot of the op’s concerns here stem from a lack of self esteem.


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Him coming to your house and ogling your gf is your business, "breaking them up" is not.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I would also leave it alone. It seems like confronting him is the protective, manly thing to do, and in some cases, such as intentional rudeness or sexism it would be understandable, but not for this. He seems awkward and a bit pitiful. Your GF might feel a need to tell him to knock it off, but unless she wants other people to fight her battles (and that's a red flag), she should do it for herself.


----------

