# Gentlemen how would you feel or react?



## Rgaines (Jun 13, 2018)

Assuming it was your first marriage, and your parents send you a 5 figure check as a wedding gift. The check is made out to Mr and Mrs. (man's Sir Name). Your wife wants to keep her maiden name or use a combination of both names. You have been splitting expenses, however you alone put the entire down payment (six figures, basically all the money you had) on your co-owned home. You also paid for most the wedding and honeymoon. Your wife demands you write her a check, into her maiden name, for half of the 5 figure amount from your parents.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

I would wonder why we got married if the money and names were so important to both of us.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Well I'd probably demand right back that she pay for half of the wedding and honeymoon and reimburse for half of the down payment on the home.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Why are your finances not combined if you're married? I don't get that, for me and my wife it's not mine or hers it's ours.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

If you are sharing expenses, she shouldn't care which account it goes into.

And I would assume this large check was your parents way of helping pay for the wedding.

Bottom line - you're married. What's yours is now hers regardless of where its held. You paid all the down payment on the house - but its still half hers legally.

I think its just bad form on her part to ask her husband to write a check using her maiden name.

I think I would deposit the check. Let her know the money is available if "we" need anything.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

That's a pretty odd way to start the marriage. I guess I tell her that she still owes 1/2 the down payment for the house and 1/2 the wedding expenses. Rather than writing a check for 1/2 of the gift, I'll just apply that amount to the outstanding balance of what she already owes. Then I'd ask her what sort of payment plan she would like to setup to pay back the remaining amount.

As for the maiden name, I wouldn't care at all about that part.

Can you give us more background on your relationship? How long were you dating? What are your ages? How have expenses been managed previously? The big red flag here is that she might view you and the marriage as just a way to finance her desires. While it can be a good strategy for each of you to have separate accounts for fun money, there should be a clear understanding of how much money goes in there. Plus, there should be the understanding that debts get paid first. 

Did you do any pre-marriage counseling? The church often does counseling where they go over issues such as these to help make sure you're on the same page. Maybe that would be a good idea for you to do sooner rather than later.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Rgaines said:


> Your wife demands you write her a check, into her maiden name, for half of the 5 figure amount from your parents.


WHAT? Are you serious? This is no way to have a marriage, at least in my book. 



Tasorundo said:


> I would wonder why we got married if the money and names were so important to both of us.


Exactly. 

In my marriage, what is mine is his, what is his is mine. There is no "your money, my money", its OUR money. Its OUR expenses, our fortunes etc. 

So, do I take it that you all plan to keep separate accounts and split bills? I guess that works for some, to me, it always seemed like a good way to make sure things are in order come time to divorce.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I agree with the others. The gift was for both of YOU. Since , she wants half....then, add up her half of the house payment and wedding cost and if anything is remaining give her that... or hand the girl a bill. 

Its a stupid way to start marriage and if you gonna have seperate finances then, you both better be contibuting equally. 

And both of you need to go see CFP to make sure you are on the same page financially and working towards the same goals.

I can go either way with last name.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

OP, if this is your situation, it sounds like you have been played. I would flat out tell her "NO!" I would explain the house, wedding and honeymoon had already cost you everything you owned (which is idiotic on its own) and that this money was going to start to replenish those funds. I guess though it doesn't matter anyways, because you will probably end up loosing half the house anyways when she sues you for divorce. I hope you at least signed a prenup.
Something tells me there is way more to this story than you let on, though.
As for the last name, that normally wouldn't bother me much, but given the circumstances I would say it was a calculated move on her part. And now she wants half the gift to boot. 
Lawyer up now and hope you can get out of this mess before you loose everything.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I'd react with a divorce. But I'd never be in that situation because I'd have figured out finances prior to the marriage. Either you believe in combining assets or you believe in keeping them separate. If the latter case you should have a prenup and not put premarital assets into a jointly owned home. If she believes that your assets are hers and your assets are hers then you married the wrong woman.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Livvie said:


> Well I'd probably demand right back that she pay for half of the wedding and honeymoon and reimburse for half of the down payment on the home.


^^^for the win^^^


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I would hope I got a prenup.


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## Rgaines (Jun 13, 2018)

I'm not either spouse in this case, I just watched it happen. I also think he is being played. This couple is newly married. He bought a ghouse (which she demanded of him) about a year before they married and put it in both names. They dated/lived together partly while in school and in total for around 5 years. They had a break up for around 6 months in which he was angry that she felt abandoned and she wanted him to come back and buy a house. At the wedding he looked like he was out of his mind in love and lost his head. She never once lost her cool. In fact there are pictures that make her seem like she is looking at a child. Everyone saw how in love he was and commented. How long do people think it will take for him to figure out that he has been played?


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## Rgaines (Jun 13, 2018)

Also I mentioned the name thing because of the possibility that because the check was made out to Mr and Mrs... his name, they may not have had an account that they could deposit it into. But either way, I agree that demanding the money his family gave them, after demanding he put 6 figures into a house down payment that she already half owns was a real act of ....something.... I think though because it was made out to Mr and Mrs it was a gift to both of them, but still something isn't right about it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Yea, he's being played. She sounds a bit narcissistic, honestly. But only he can change his life and situation. If he would rather be with her, than be alone, then that's the problem.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> Yea, he's being played. She sounds a bit narcissistic, honestly. But only he can change his life and situation. If he would rather be with her, than be alone, then that's the problem.


I wonder if you could play a narcissist, meaning use their patterns against them. Once you get how they operate I suspect it would be easy.


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

sokillme said:


> I wonder if you could play a narcissist, meaning use their patterns against them. Once you get how they operate I suspect it would be easy.


It's possible, but if you have an ounce of morality and ethics, it is a bloody hard thing to do and you need realise that you have to follow through with it, and always stay one step ahead

Sent from my HTC_M9u using Tapatalk


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Luminous said:


> It's possible, but if you have an ounce of morality and ethics, it is a bloody hard thing to do and you need realise that you have to follow through with it, and always stay one step ahead
> 
> Sent from my HTC_M9u using Tapatalk


Not saying I would do it but I suspect it could be done. The fallout might be dangerous.


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## Rgaines (Jun 13, 2018)

Hmmm In this case I think they are both 50% on their way to having NPD. Which means, now they they're married they should both start thinking they could have done better and lose interest in each other. It should be interesting to see if it pans out that way.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Rgaines said:


> Assuming it was your first marriage, and *your parents send you a 5 figure check* as a wedding gift. The check is made out to Mr and Mrs. (man's Sir Name). Y*our wife wants to keep her maiden name or use a combination of both names*. You have been splitting expenses, however you alone put the entire down payment (six figures, basically all the money you had) on your co-owned home. You also paid for most the wedding and honeymoon. *Your wife demands you write her a check, into her maiden name, for half of the 5 figure amount from your parents.*


I would think:

1) Your parents understand how expensive a wedding can be and wanted to help with the expenses and that they were nice people who deserve your thanks, even if they are a bit old school

2) Your wife has some huge control/ego issues and you should avoid having children until you see if the marriage should last. Also that something triggered her and she is spoiling for a fight.

3) Get you and your wife to marriage counseling ASAP, this is a huge red flag.

Good luck.


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Not saying I would do it but I suspect it could be done. The fallout might be dangerous.


Hence why there is no halfway or turn around point going up against a narcissist. You're either all in or not. They can smell weakness and uncertainty better than a bloodhound... So I've heard 

Sent from my HTC_M9u using Tapatalk


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Luminous said:


> It's possible, but if you have an ounce of morality and ethics, it is a bloody hard thing to do and you need realise that you have to follow through with it, and always stay one step ahead
> 
> Sent from my HTC_M9u using Tapatalk


I did that for a decade. Not too difficult if you know what you're up against.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

sokillme said:


> I wonder if you could play a narcissist, meaning use their patterns against them. Once you get how they operate I suspect it would be easy.


It's not easy playing their games.  (Not that you should, but I remember dating a guy that I wanted to give a taste of his own medicine lol) They always win, because it comes naturally to them.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Rgaines said:


> Assuming it was your first marriage, and your parents send you a 5 figure check as a wedding gift. The check is made out to Mr and Mrs. (man's Sir Name). Your wife wants to keep her maiden name or use a combination of both names. You have been splitting expenses, however you alone put the entire down payment (six figures, basically all the money you had) on your co-owned home. You also paid for most the wedding and honeymoon. Your wife demands you write her a check, into her maiden name, for half of the 5 figure amount from your parents.


Well... I'm a knuckle dragging and very savage barbarian so I could not have been distracted by a woman like yours enough to marry her. F her? Sure. 

If I was in your shoes, however, a spanking would be the first order of business.

Learn how though first.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> Yea, he's being played. She sounds a bit narcissistic, honestly. But only he can change his life and situation. If he would rather be with her, than be alone, then that's the problem.


A bit? That is quite an understatement.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

You have chosen poorly!

Return the check and divorce. Cut your losses.

When someone shows who they really are believe them!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Under most state laws, that gift by your parents for a down payment on a home, is primarily meant for you!

As such, if a divorce ever occurs, your wife is going to have to relinquish that portion back to you! 

I found out about that from my lawyer in my first divorce! Have your attorney confirm that for you!!*


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *Under most state laws, that gift by your parents for a down payment on a home, is primarily meant for you!*


*

How would the downpayment on the house be handled? Typically in a divorce, there is a 50% split in assets added *after* the marriage. The assets the spouse had pre-marriage stays theirs. So if the downpayment had just stayed cash in the bank, it would stay his after a divorce. But if he puts it into the house, is it still considered his pre-marriage asset? Or would she get 1/2 the equity in the house?*


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## Rgaines (Jun 13, 2018)

wilson said:


> How would the downpayment on the house be handled? Typically in a divorce, there is a 50% split in assets added *after* the marriage. The assets the spouse had pre-marriage stays theirs. So if the downpayment had just stayed cash in the bank, it would stay his after a divorce. But if he puts it into the house, is it still considered his pre-marriage asset? Or would she get 1/2 the equity in the house?


Good question.
In this instance they put the deed in both their names as tenants in common with rights of survivorship. They did that around a year or so before they married. I think they needed both salaries for the mortgage. However the down payment was entirely his money. It would be interesting how a divorce court would look at that. On the one hand he gave her the money by putting the deed in both names prior to marriage, but on the other hand he did intend to marry her and have children. They don't have children yet. If they did that would change the situation also. If they had a child in public school that would change the situation even more.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

wilson said:


> How would the downpayment on the house be handled? Typically in a divorce, there is a 50% split in assets added *after* the marriage. The assets the spouse had pre-marriage stays theirs. So if the downpayment had just stayed cash in the bank, it would stay his after a divorce. But if he puts it into the house, is it still considered his pre-marriage asset? Or would she get 1/2 the equity in the house?


*I'm in Texas. The County Court Judge presiding over our divorce case said that since a monetary gift for a homes down payment was bestowed by my parents, then that gift is treated as if given to their child. Per the judge, my XW had to fork all that back over to me!*


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

How would I react,... hmmm... I think I would probably take a Bex and have a good lie down.


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## Bilbo115265 (Apr 24, 2018)

Like everyone else make her pay her half


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

I don’t agree with @arbitrator. Most states will view the wedding check as marital assets. Unless there’s a legally defensible prenuptial agreement assets on both sides of the line are marital. In the case of divorce, the longer the marriage the stronger the marital assets argument becomes.


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

Rgaines said:


> Assuming it was your first marriage, and your parents send you a 5 figure check as a wedding gift. The check is made out to Mr and Mrs. (man's Sir Name). Your wife wants to keep her maiden name or use a combination of both names. You have been splitting expenses, however you alone put the entire down payment (six figures, basically all the money you had) on your co-owned home. You also paid for most the wedding and honeymoon. Your wife demands you write her a check, into her maiden name, for half of the 5 figure amount from your parents.


Man or woman. Return the check to your parents. Using his surname mome and dad don't trust you. I say return it and have folks put it in a irrevokable trust for you to draw upon, but up to a limit because you don't want your spouses to convince you to cash it in for a care, vacation, or a business, franchise, or just because. The other reason is because if you go south you spend all the money or inheritance early. Believe me it will be gone. 

Another reason: have the folks give you that money as an inheritance, better yet, it is safer for them to buy a high priced life insurance policy or whole life with that five/six figures. When they die, life insurance proceeds specifally to you are not marital property, unless you live in a community property State. See a lawyer. 

DO NOT ACCEPT THE MONEY. LET HUSBAND AND YOU EARN IT... PEOPLE DON'T APPRECIATE GIFTS ESPECAILLY MONEY, GREED TAKES OVER AND THE RUSH TO SPEND IT ALL TAKES OVER. 

If you and spouse get pissoffed att each other, the first intinct is divorce, and the money is gone hidden, the lawyers and jugde will never find it. I know where a good spot to hide it.

You WANT life long protection. don't bother witha prenup ever. or if you have one void it. If you have a homee or he has a home prior to marriage. move out until the house is sold buy a new one in both your names. if you don't one party will not be as committed to the marraige. By not having a home in both youe names is a mistake. Do not buy a home over $300,000 or less. you don't need it and the joneses or future workmates will not care.


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

davidmidwest said:


> man or woman. Return the check to your parents. Using his surname mome and dad don't trust you. I say return it and have folks put it in a irrevokable trust for you to draw upon, but up to a limit because you don't want your spouses to convince you to cash it in for a care, vacation, or a business, franchise, or just because. The other reason is because if you go south you spend all the money or inheritance early. Believe me it will be gone.
> 
> Another reason: Have the folks give you that money as an inheritance, better yet, it is safer for them to buy a high priced life insurance policy or whole life with that five/six figures. When they die, life insurance proceeds specifally to you are not marital property, unless you live in a community property state. See a lawyer.
> 
> ...


buy a home under $300,000 never spend more than that.


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

Davidmidwest said:


> Man or woman. Return the check to your parents. Using his surname mome and dad don't trust you. I say return it and have folks put it in a irrevokable trust for you to draw upon, but up to a limit because you don't want your spouses to convince you to cash it in for a care, vacation, or a business, franchise, or just because. The other reason is because if you go south you spend all the money or inheritance early. Believe me it will be gone.
> 
> Another reason: have the folks give you that money as an inheritance, better yet, it is safer for them to buy a high priced life insurance policy or whole life with that five/six figures. When they die, life insurance proceeds specifally to you are not marital property, unless you live in a community property State. See a lawyer.
> 
> ...


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## UndecidedinNY (Jul 11, 2013)

If you don't have a join account, then I would not do this. And tell your (VERY kind and generous) parents to in the future only give gifts directly into an account for your children that your wife doesn't have access to. You joined lives, but she still acts single (her own account, her own spending, etc)... she already has her name on a house you paid for, and you paid most of the expenses to marry her, and she wants to have half the gift money to spend as she wants too? If you are paying all the expenses, keep it all.

I'm a mom of two boys, and I'd be ok with them getting an annulment if they told me this. And I wouldn't ever gift them any money that she would have access too.


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## Rgaines (Jun 13, 2018)

UndecidedinNY said:


> If you don't have a join account, then I would not do this. And tell your (VERY kind and generous) parents to in the future only give gifts directly into an account for your children that your wife doesn't have access to. You joined lives, but she still acts single (her own account, her own spending, etc)... she already has her name on a house you paid for, and you paid most of the expenses to marry her, and she wants to have half the gift money to spend as she wants too? If you are paying all the expenses, keep it all.
> 
> I'm a mom of two boys, and I'd be ok with them getting an annulment if they told me this. And I wouldn't ever gift them any money that she would have access too.


In this case it was a wedding gift, check made out to both of them. She didn't have access really but he wrote her a check for half. Found out that three weeks later, for her birthday he spent all but the last thousand dollars of the amount he was given, at the jeweler's for a gift. Makes me wonder what a fly on the walls of that house would have witness in those few weeks. I don't think they'll be getting any more gifts like that for a long time...


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## AKA Broken Arrow (Feb 19, 2016)

I don't think I've ever written my wife a check for anything! Together for 30 years.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Rgaines said:


> In this case it was a wedding gift, check made out to both of them. She didn't have access really but he wrote her a check for half. Found out that three weeks later, for her birthday he spent all but the last thousand dollars of the amount he was given, at the jeweler's for a gift. Makes me wonder what a fly on the walls of that house would have witness in those few weeks. I don't think they'll be getting any more gifts like that for a long time...


It's clear that he doesn't care about any of these money issues. It's been an interesting thread for discussion, but you definitely should not get involved with any of it. It doesn't sound like you are, but there would be no point and would likely backfire in a big way. This is one of those times that he has to learn the lesson for himself. 

Is there any reason he should be so financially submissive in the relationship? Is there a great difference in attractiveness? Was he inexperienced with women? Is she an exotic dancer? etc? It's natural to want to give presents and support your spouse, but it seems like he's just handing over everything like he's under a spell.

I have a feeling we'll see a thread in the near future--maybe even from him--about how they're getting divorced and she's taking everything. Maybe they'll make it work, but it sure sounds like they're getting off on the wrong foot for a lifetime together.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

This lady must have a magic *****, or mouth. Or both.


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## Rgaines (Jun 13, 2018)

wilson said:


> It's clear that he doesn't care about any of these money issues. It's been an interesting thread for discussion, but you definitely should not get involved with any of it. It doesn't sound like you are, but there would be no point and would likely backfire in a big way. This is one of those times that he has to learn the lesson for himself.
> 
> Is there any reason he should be so financially submissive in the relationship? Is there a great difference in attractiveness? Was he inexperienced with women? Is she an exotic dancer? etc? It's natural to want to give presents and support your spouse, but it seems like he's just handing over everything like he's under a spell.
> 
> I have a feeling we'll see a thread in the near future--maybe even from him--about how they're getting divorced and she's taking everything. Maybe they'll make it work, but it sure sounds like they're getting off on the wrong foot for a lifetime together.


He is better looking than she is. They are both professionals with the same degree and work in the same place. She is the tattooed type, he is the collegiat looking one but he is clearly better looking although he has been putting on a few lbs. She seems to have a drinking problem her mother is/was an addict / alcoholic. He has an ailment that probably made him think lesser of himself and shocked him prior to moving back in with her and buying a house in both names. However it isn't an ailment that stops him from working, or wanting to have children or anything else. She is far from an exotic dancer, not even a head turner. Not at all. He really has been acting like he is under a spell though. 

He always did care about money, and you're right if anyone says anything to him he will defend her, although prior to buying that house he had left her and actually hated her. I had thought I was seeing the narcissist / borderline dance when they split up. Both personality types not necessarily disorders and the types are interchangeable as people can have both types in their personalities. I am beginning to see her as the more dominant narcissist now though and possibly intentionally getting back at him for leaving her once. When he left her it was not for another women. He left her to save money and get away from her. He had simply had enough.

I hope you're right. I hope he wakes up before he wastes his life.


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## Rgaines (Jun 13, 2018)

Middle of Everything said:


> This lady must have a magic *****, or mouth. Or both.


HAHAHA I have said the same thing. Called it a Golden V......


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Well I'd probably demand right back that she pay for half of the wedding and honeymoon and reimburse for half of the down payment on the home.


This here is what I would propose to my spouse if I were in your situation.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

sokillme said:


> I wonder if you could play a narcissist, meaning use their patterns against them. Once you get how they operate I suspect it would be easy.





Luminous said:


> It's possible, but if you have an ounce of morality and ethics, it is a bloody hard thing to do and you need realise that you have to follow through with it, and always stay one step ahead


I did, about a year ago. My STBXH was a self-described narcissistic *******. He played me throughout the marriage, but ended up getting the final surprise during our first couple's counselling session. He thought that we were there to work things out; I was there to ask for a separation, and later, a divorce. So yes, you _can_ play a narcissist.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Rgaines said:


> Good question.
> In this instance they put the deed in both their names as tenants in common with rights of survivorship. They did that around a year or so before they married. I think they needed both salaries for the mortgage. However the down payment was entirely his money. It would be interesting how a divorce court would look at that. On the one hand he gave her the money by putting the deed in both names prior to marriage, but on the other hand he did intend to marry her and have children. They don't have children yet. If they did that would change the situation also. If they had a child in public school that would change the situation even more.


Aren't you the original poster? Why are you writing about the situation in the third person?


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## Rgaines (Jun 13, 2018)

Ursula said:


> Aren't you the original poster? Why are you writing about the situation in the third person?


Neither post is actually in the first person. The post was made to check if the opinion I had was the average opinion.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Rgaines said:


> Neither post is actually in the first person. The post was made to check if the opinion I had was the average opinion.


Ah, upon going back to read your original post, no, it's not in the first person. That makes sense. When you reply to others in the third person though, it sounds like you're talking about a friend, or another couple that you know. It makes it very confusing and just plain odd!


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

A little late to this but I'd say this goes above you but back to the person's writing the check. Did they (you may have to ask them) intend for it to go only to you or did they gift it as a joint gift for both of you? If it is for both of you it would be like stealing to not share the gift between both of you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Ursula said:


> Ah, upon going back to read your original post, no, it's not in the first person. That makes sense. When you reply to others in the third person though, it sounds like you're talking about a friend, or another couple that you know. It makes it very confusing and just plain odd!


He is talking about a friend...


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