# Bound!



## honeybee79 (Oct 16, 2013)

Hey everyone, I am new here. I've come on this board to gain some perspective, share in some conversation with people who may be in similar situations.

I cannot discuss my issues with my marriage with anyone because I am very private and respect my husband a great deal. I just don't feel right sharing our life to people who know us. 

My husband has a LD and he also has Aspbergers. his LD is probably 100% attributed to his aspies. Sensory stimulation is very hard for him to handle. He cannot handle being touched by people however loves to have me touch him, I am the only person he can tolerate to touch or be touched by. 

It is very typical of the aspie person to be able to appear normal enough in the beginning of relationships in terms of sex, some can for some reason bring themselves to appear almost normal in that sense, but I guess as the pheromones or whatever die off their ability to maintain a normal healthy sexual relationship dies too.

We've reached this stage. Sex has become a compulsory mechanical dog and pony show and I've pretty much reached my wits end on being able to deal with this. 

I hate to type this but sometimes I feel like he is using his disorder to avoid having sex all together. He cuddles me, kisses me, plays with my hair, rubs my body (pretty much all the things that turns me on) and yet it goes no where.

I used to initiate, which meant sex 3 times a week or 2 times and a BJ for him, but now I am just fed up and frustrated. I feel like what's the point, he is obviously not stimulated by me sexually, so why force the issue. When he senses my frustration he will initiate and if I leave it up to him it will be 2x month provided all the circumstances in our life are perfect that month. 

Maybe he just isn't sexually attracted to me. I often wonder if I am that bad that he's just turned right off. But if that were the case I wouldn't have men and women flirt with me and tell him all the time how lucky he is to have me. If he wasn't sexually attracted to me why would he rub me, kiss me, cuddle me?

Our issues have just started to surface this past year. Our first year of marriage was crazy, I was a super horn dog and wouldn't take no for an answer, but we both just blamed my high drive on my peak and always attributed my desire to being unreasonably high and his normal. After a while I was like, ok, come on now, this is not right, and I slowly stopped initiating and testing it out to see. About 6 months ago I said enough is enough and started to confront him because things just didn't seem right. 

Also, I should mention he never wakes up hard, he never has a hard on when we are in bed, I have to touch it or whatever for a bit to get him hard and he will even turn down sexual acts with a hard on. Is that common for men, or is that just specifically related to men with LD? I was married before and my ex was hard 24/7 especially if I was around, showed any skin or touched him in any way, even hugs. He was 47 so we can't blame age. 

I feel so bad for him, for me, he's gone so far to say that since he knows he cannot meet my needs that he's ok with me being with other people. That makes me scratch my head. Why the hell would he want that? I certainly don't. If am going to start screwing people for the sake of having sex, why the hell did I get married? 

Anyhoo, blah blah blah right! I just really need to vent and start some communication on this issue. Its affecting my self esteem so bad that I honestly feel like the ugliest, vile woman sometimes. I used to feel so sexy, and beautiful. 

Thanks for listening.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

How old is he? Lack of morning erections is often a sign of low testosterone and often manifests as lack of libido or interest in sex. I hope you figure this out, but I have no experience of Asperger's so have little insight to offer.


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## honeybee79 (Oct 16, 2013)

He's had his testosterone checked it came back normal. He's in his early 40's. I even thought about viagara but that doesn't create desire. He has no sexual desire, very little sexual desire, and its mainly desire to have sex with to please me not because he wakes up and says "I want to #$%^ my wife today".


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Sounds like a truly LD man to me. I have known/heard of many of them. The AS definitely doesn't help the sitch.

I'm sorry but when someone tells you they just aren't that sexual, they usually know themselves and you should believe them.

When he says he wouldn't mind you getting it elsewhere, this just sounds like AS behavior...since he likely does not have the emotional attachment that others do have.

I am sorry you are here. I wish there was a magic pill for LD but there is not.


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## honeybee79 (Oct 16, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Sounds like a truly LD man to me. I have known/heard of many of them. The AS definitely doesn't help the sitch.
> 
> I'm sorry but when someone tells you they just aren't that sexual, they usually know themselves and you should believe them.
> 
> ...



Thank you! I appreciate the comment. Its so funny because up until this marriage I never even dreamed a man could be so disinterested in sex. I've always attracted equal to or higher than myself sexual partners.

I guess divorce or cheating/opening my marriage is inevitable if I ever desire to have a healthy sex life again. And, of course I will be viewed as the bad guy, abandoning my husband to fulfill my own selfish sexual needs. I don't want to abandon him. He doesn't deserve that because he is wired differently. Ugh!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

honeybee79 said:


> He's had his testosterone checked it came back normal. He's in his early 40's. I even thought about viagara but that doesn't create desire. He has no sexual desire, very little sexual desire, and its mainly desire to have sex with to please me not because he wakes up and says "I want to #$%^ my wife today".


"Normal" may mean within a "normal" range, but that could still be very low. The range is about 200 to 1000; (ng/dl), and anything less than 500 or 600 usually results in symptoms of low libido. 700 is the usual level for normal libido and function.


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## honeybee79 (Oct 16, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> "Normal" may mean within a "normal" range, but that could still be very low. The range is about 200 to 1000; (ng/dl), and anything less than 500 or 600 usually results in symptoms of low libido. 700 is the usual level for normal libido and function.


Thanks! I was not aware of this, next time I go to the doctor I will ask further. I know the doc he saw said "your testosterone levels are fine and not the cause for your low drive" and his prostate was fine too.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

He is unwilling/unable to satisfy your sexual needs for reasons undetermined but probably due to the complexities of Aspergers.

That's never going to change, he's as much as said go do what you gotta do.

If you won't have sex with other men while married, and you can't go without sex for the rest of your life, (or at least, _satisfying_ sex) then you might just have to get unmarried.


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## honeybee79 (Oct 16, 2013)

lenzi said:


> He is unwilling/unable to satisfy your sexual needs for reasons undetermined but probably due to the complexities of Aspergers.
> 
> That's never going to change, he's as much as said go do what you gotta do.
> 
> If you won't have sex with other men while married, and you can't go without sex for the rest of your life, (or at least, _satisfying_ sex) then you might just have to get unmarried.


Right, he loves me so much he doesn't want to lose me, our life we built, he doesn't think he can be who he's become without me. He was a mess up until we started dating and got married. Completely turned his life around and has become high functioning in so many ways. He's willing to let me have my cake and eat it too so to speak just to stay married with me. Perhaps his aspies prevents him from feelings of jealously, or whatever but I have hard time seeing how I could do that. I guess I've never really examined that possibility because I've always been a devoted person.

I don't want to divorce him, do people do that? Divorce over lack of sex? That's like saying its ok if a partner became incapacitated for whatever reason and couldn't have sex again that their partner leave them. Maybe that is ok? What do I know? Hence why I have to start talking about this. I am really clueless in this department. This is a problem that has managed to stump the s*** out of me.

I wonder what other people do with mismatched drives?


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