# How long before your next relationship/sex?



## RisingSun

After your separation or divorce, how long did you wait before having sex with someone else? 

After my first separation, I met someone new after seven months and we dated for two months. Very little sex, as I felt I was cheating on my ex. My ex then wanted back in, so I broke up with my gf and took eight months to date my ex and make sure I wasn't plan B, and this included time in MC. Now... guess what? Turns out I was plan B and she left again 5 months ago.

This time I want to make sure I heal up so it doesn't mess with my next relationship. I am looking forward to dating and having sex again, but am not ready yet. Not sure when I will be. This latest separation is not even 5 weeks in yet.


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## SecondTime'Round

RisingSun said:


> After your separation or divorce, how long did you wait before having sex with someone else?
> 
> After my first separation, I met someone new after seven months and we dated for two months. Very little sex, as I felt I was cheating on my ex. My ex then wanted back in, so I broke up with my gf and took eight months to date my ex and make sure I wasn't plan B, and this included time in MC. Now... guess what? Turns out I was plan B and she left again 5 months ago.
> 
> This time I want to make sure I heal up so it doesn't mess with my next relationship. I am looking forward to dating and having sex again, but am not ready yet. Not sure when I will be. This latest separation is not even 5 weeks in yet.


My story is a bit similar to yours.

The first time, waaaayyyyyy too quick. Like, just a few months and it was a total rebound relationship, my self esteem was not good and my choice of dating partner at that time proved that loud and clear!  

This time, I haven't had sex since December (with my ex, on vacation) and I moved out in June (took a while because I bought a house). So, while we've been broken up since early 2015 and just roommates, I've technically only been on my own and really beginning the healing process since June. I have no plans to even think about dating until maybe spring of next year. I still have a lot of emotional healing to do and once again my self esteem needs a lot of work. My picker also needs some serious refinement so I am in no rush.


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## Married but Happy

It was about 5 weeks after I moved out - a lasting relationship took longer to find. 

We did an in-house separation for a few months at her request, but there was no doubt I was leaving (I'd even started the process of buying a condo to live in). The marriage had been over for years, so once we made the final decision to split, I started OLD almost immediately.


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## Ynot

I ended up in a relationship about 4 months after my divorce was final and within 6 months of when we separated. I was so desperate to find any validation of who I was that I jumped in even though there were obvious red flags that started popping up almost immediately. Ironically the first red flag was how forward she was. What I took as a sign of who I was, was really a sign of who she was. As time passed, I began to realize that I was just another prop in her own attempt at recovery. The relationship lasted about three months and flamed out rather quickly after a period of mutual codependency.
Looking back there was no way I was ready at that point, and she certainly wasn't either. I learned a lot about myself and my marriage from it though, so I definitely do not consider it wasted time.
Since then, I have casually dated but haven't really pursued anything with anyone. I feel as though I may just now be getting closer to wanting to now. It has been over a year since my divorce and I have become much more comfortable with who I am and what I may want moving forward. I still have my moments, but in general I am feeling much more optimistic about me and my future.
Overall, the past year as made me realize exactly what it means to be gentle on yourself.


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## Satya

It seems to be different for everyone. 

I waited 2 years, no dating, just working on me. Honestly those 2 years flew by and I was too busy to care about relationships. 

I still went through a couple relationship failures after those 2 years, but my outlook after they ended was pretty healthy. It helped that both guys were upstanding men, just not compatible with me and my desires.


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## Dude007

Ynot said:


> I ended up in a relationship about 4 months after my divorce was final and within 6 months of when we separated. I was so desperate to find any validation of who I was that I jumped in even though there were obvious red flags that started popping up almost immediately. Ironically the first red flag was how forward she was. What I took as a sign of who I was, was really a sign of who she was. As time passed, I began to realize that I was just another prop in her own attempt at recovery. The relationship lasted about three months and flamed out rather quickly after a period of mutual codependency.
> Looking back there was no way I was ready at that point, and she certainly wasn't either. I learned a lot about myself and my marriage from it though, so I definitely do not consider it wasted time.
> Since then, I have casually dated but haven't really pursued anything with anyone. I feel as though I may just now be getting closer to wanting to now. It has been over a year since my divorce and I have become much more comfortable with who I am and what I may want moving forward. I still have my moments, but in general I am feeling much more optimistic about me and my future.
> Overall, the past year as made me realize exactly what it means to be gentle on yourself.


And MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, BEING ALONE ISNT BAD????!!!! Why even think of the next SO, just let it come naturally....DUDE


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## RisingSun

Dude007 said:


> And MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, BEING ALONE ISNT BAD????!!!! Why even think of the next SO, just let it come naturally....DUDE


I hear you. I'm still getting used to being alone this round, but managed it last time she left. I am looking forward to someone new, eventually, but I'm not in a rush. Mainly curious about the experiences of TAM members.


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## Dude007

RisingSun said:


> I hear you. I'm still getting used to being alone this round, but managed it last time she left. I am looking forward to someone new, eventually, but I'm not in a rush. Mainly curious about the experiences of TAM members.


Get to the point where you don't need anyone, then she'll pop in your life like magic...DUDE


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## Ynot

Dude007 said:


> And MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, BEING ALONE ISNT BAD????!!!! Why even think of the next SO, just let it come naturally....DUDE


Exactly. It took me long time to realize that. Even though I had read that the ability to not be afraid of being with just yourself was the true sign of a healthy person. That is a fear that has driven me for most of my life, I just never realized it.
In fact I would say the fear of being alone is probably the greatest fear each of us ever faces.


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## EnjoliWoman

Hm. Well I'm pretty used to be alone and no one has magically popped into MY life! 

I jumped into a rebound as well around the 5/6 month mark of having left. I didn't keep in touch tho he did reach back out many years ago. The three main men I dating in the 10 years since, I had healthy break-ups with and remained friendly with. 

I'm content alone, yet afraid I'll always be alone. But happier alone than with ex!


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## MRR

While I agree with Dude in general about being alone, I did not do that at all. I met someone right away, was interested and we dated 6-7 months before I realized that I was not ready for serious. 

Yes it sounds awful, but it took that rebound relationship in order for me to learn in real life. I am not saying go out and seek it, but it happens and it happened to me. I think the important thing that also happened for me is that I did NOT get married again right away. ( I may not ever but a lot of people thought her and I were going to end up married).


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## Dude007

In fact I would say the fear of being alone is probably the greatest fear each of us ever faces.

And why do you think this is?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene

Ynot said:


> Exactly. It took me long time to realize that. Even though I had read that *the ability to not be afraid of being with just yourself was the true sign of a healthy person*. That is a fear that has driven me for most of my life, I just never realized it.
> In fact I would say the fear of being alone is probably the greatest fear each of us ever faces.


i think there is a lot of truth to that


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## Pluto2

There's the old wives tale that you should wait four months for every year of the relationship from which you are trying to recover.

So I'll be looking at the summer of 2024 to hit the dating circuit! :rofl:


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## Dude007

Ynot gets this sheet!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dude007

"There's the old wives tale that you should wait four months for every year of the relationship from which you are trying to recover.

So I'll be looking at the summer of 2024 to hit the dating circuit! " 

Hence the phrase my ex ruined my life!! Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2

Dude007 said:


> "There's the old wives tale that you should wait four months for every year of the relationship from which you are trying to recover.
> 
> So I'll be looking at the summer of 2024 to hit the dating circuit! "
> 
> Hence the phrase my ex ruined my life!! Dude
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It sure doesn't feel like my life is ruined. Feels better than ever.

Or it did until you brought it up. Thanks for killing my buzz Dude.


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## Dude007

Keep the wine flowing and you will be just fine. Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round

I do think you need to be OK with being alone, but it's not the be-all, end-all. I'm an introvert and I love being alone. I'm very independent. But I still don't feel emotionally healthy enough for a relationship yet.


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## Ynot

Pluto2 said:


> There's the old wives tale that you should wait four months for every year of the relationship from which you are trying to recover.
> 
> So I'll be looking at the summer of 2024 to hit the dating circuit! :rofl:


Old wives tales are still just tales. Work on yourself and don't worry about how long it takes. If you are true to yourself I am sure that old wives tale won't apply. I guess if you sit around and wait for time to heel you it might be true.


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## RisingSun

SecondTime'Round said:


> I do think you need to be OK with being alone, but it's not the be-all, end-all. I'm an introvert and I love being alone. I'm very independent. But I still don't feel emotionally healthy enough for a relationship yet.


I'm a bit of an introvert. I liked it when my stbxw was away overnight at a work meeting. I loved the freedom of making myself whatever I wanted for supper and watch anything on the TV. But that was knowing she'd be back, and I always missed her when she was away.

This daily loneliness sucks. "Freedom" and the autonomy is nice, but it is a bit much. I don't want another relationship because I don't want to be alone. Rather, I'm looking forward to a new relationship when I'm ready and at peace with my myself and the pain of this bloody separation... and only with a woman I connect with. That will happen someday. Until then I'll work on the zen aspect of being at peace and happy with oneself. Not much of a choice, eh?


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## Ynot

SecondTime'Round said:


> I do think you need to be OK with being alone, but it's not the be-all, end-all. I'm an introvert and I love being alone. I'm very independent. But I still don't feel emotionally healthy enough for a relationship yet.


The two don't go hand and hand. But the fact that you are healthy enough to be alone means that you are on your way. Way too many of us are so afraid of being alone that we don't bother to get healthy enough to get into a relationship. But we do anyways and end up repeating all of our past mistakes, over and over and over again and again. Take your time, you will know when you are ready, you are already more than half way there!


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## Dude007

Am I the only damn extrovert on this thread??!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round

Dude007 said:


> Am I the only damn extrovert on this thread??!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You keep things lively!!


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## Wolf1974

I refused to be like my X and date while we were going though divorce, hell she was dating while we were married so definitely different philosophies. One week after divorce I was in bed with other women. Mostly to mask pain and hurt from the betrayal. I have never been afraid of being alone but I needed distraction so dating was what I did to not think about it. Obviously not something I would recommend and I regret my time doing that. After I finally figured out that no amount of sex was going to make me feel better about what happened I sought help and got healthy again, And I think that is the key...for everyone the right time is different. Just make sure you are healthy and ready to date is my only advice.


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## RisingSun

My stbxw said she had "feelings" for a female friend of hers. I found out about this when she told me she was leaving out marriage. She delivered that news with a smile, oblivious to the pain I was feeling facing the end of my marriage. Later she said the feelings were not reciprocal, but that the made her realize what she should be feeling in a relationship. Yup, that's my ex... romanticizing and equating the highs of a new love interest with what should be sustainable reality. Frack. I would not be surprised if she was getting her needs met since she left not five weeks ago, as really, she was done with me months earlier and dropped me like a hot potato. Again. This is the second time she left to continue the external search for happiness... but I digress.

What's worse than being alone is being alone in a marriage, and what is how I felt. Why she wanted to reconcile after leaving the first time, who knows... I suppose I was her plan B. 

Not that I am bitter. *cough*


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## EnjoliWoman

I think I'm in the middle - not extrovert or introvert - and I'm fine being alone. There are just some things I miss about being in a relationship. Vacations/trips together being one of the biggest.


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## bkyln309

Im an extrovert!!!! My marriage was long dead and sexless so I started sleeping with someone only 2 months after the divorce was final (we were separated before that but wouldnt date until the ink was on the paper). In fact, I am still dating that person. I am not sure this is a permanent relationship but it works for both of us at the moment. I dont consider him a rebound at all. The sex is great. He is a great guy and I am not ready for another marriage.


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## sixty-eight

I think i'm in the middle, maybe a little more to the extroverted side.

In a dead marriage, separate rooms, having to push him along to physical separation/divorce at a turtle's pace. I won't date until I move out, but i don't think its a question of being ready or healing for me. His faults are so egregious, that it's effectively killed all the love(and sex) for some time now.

I think i'll probably wait a year after we move out to date. If i commit to waiting until the official divorce, stbx husband will drag his feet even more, and it already is a 5 month/avg process in this state with a mandatory 90 day cooling off period. I'm looking forward to taking back my life, i'm not waiting for bureaucracy when there's no chance of reconciliation.

My goal is not to jump right back into the dating pool, i just want to surround my kids and i with healthy people and try to find a new normal. Dating someone great is more important to me than the timeline. I anticipate Mr.68 to be dating someone(s) new quickly, if he's not already. Doesn't bother me as long as he keeps to the agreement about no SO's around the kids until the divorce is official.


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## joannacroc

Probably a wise instinct to wait until it's right - it's tough to gage that in terms of time, but I'd say when that sort of panicked loneliness and desire to connect that comes after having your heart broken again is gone, maybe you're ready to get out there again? 

Wonder if it makes a difference what your sex life was like during marriage as to how long you wait to date vs. getting into a relationship? Mine wasn't great and nearly a year after we parted ways, I feel like I'm ready to date casually again and have gone on a series of first dates, then a couple with someone I felt a connection to - he seems lovely but it's harder to trust your instincts when you've been burnt before, you know? Do you feel like if you met an incredible person right now, you'd be bringing the best of you to the table? If not, maybe wait a bit.


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## happy2gether

I married for the first time at 18, divorced before my 19th birthday. I was in a relationship before the divorce was final, but NOT until after the first court date. We were fighting over custody so I kept it under cover until it was final. 

If anything happens between me and my current wife, been together 21 years, I do not believe I would actively look for anything for a long time.


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## Holland

I didn't even think of dating for 12 months post separation, it didn't really occur to me at the time. I spent that year getting drunk with my sister, wallowing in my own misery and doing lots of reading and learning about myself, life, relationships blah blah.

One morning I woke up and felt healed so I started OLD, had a great time, met some interesting men, had some good sex then I met my SO and we started what has become the best relationship of my life. 4 years down the track we have blended our families, have a great life and are very much in love.


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## bmichael

Separated 2 1/2 years ago. Divorced 1 1/2 years ago. I haven't gone on a single date and I haven't had sex with anyone besides my ex-wife in my entire life. The end of my marriage felt completely soul crushing that it has taken forever for me to heal. I'm still not sure I'm at that point since my ex-wife is constantly in my life since we have six kids together. She began dating 2 months after we separated.


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## RisingSun

Certainly is a mixed bag or stories and responses. To those of you still hurting, hope you work through things and get to move on. We only have so many summers left, after all.

This is my second separation from my stbxw and it's been six weeks. We had not been having much sex or any kind of intimacy for months, and I miss that. Not so much with her, but with someone I'd feel connected to. I know that will happen eventually. Still a lot of healing and growing to do first, and that is ok. I'm sure things will work out in time.


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## joannacroc

RisingSun said:


> Certainly is a mixed bag or stories and responses. To those of you still hurting, hope you work through things and get to move on. We only have so many summers left, after all.
> 
> This is my second separation from my stbxw and it's been six weeks. We had not been having much sex or any kind of intimacy for months, and I miss that. Not so much with her, but with someone I'd feel connected to. I know that will happen eventually. Still a lot of healing and growing to do first, and that is ok. I'm sure things will work out in time.


I think when you find someone you're connected to, it'll happen, but you need to be in the right place to do that. 6 weeks is such a small amount of time to give yourself to heal, and it sounds like you understand that you're still on that journey. It has taken me about 11 months to feel ready to actually want to be with someone again. Even then, we see so many folks on this forum jumping into a new relationship before they're ready that I'm anxious not to rush things in case things aren't what they seem. I'm sure you feel some of the same anxieties given your double whammy of an experience. Hang in there. It does start to feel better and better when you get some time and distance from the ex. Good luck and God speed!


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## Nomorebeans

I'm going to be an outlier and say that right now, I don't care if I ever have another relationship. I'm still pretty annihilated by my ex's cheating after 27 years (at least that I know for sure about) and leaving me for someone he had spent all of 11 days with.

It doesn't help the healing process that I have to see and/or talk with him quite regularly because we have a 13-year-old son.

So, definitely not ready. But that's easy to say when I haven't met anyone new who's about my age, give or take a bit, who's available for dating and who I feel interested in enough to date. I do think if I met that man tomorrow, I might hesitate anyway, though. Our divorce was final at the end of July - he moved out in May. I don't foresee feeling ready to try my hand at dating until at least next May.


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## Dude007

Nomorebeans said:


> I'm going to be an outlier and say that right now, I don't care if I ever have another relationship. I'm still pretty annihilated by my ex's cheating after 27 years (at least that I know for sure about) and leaving me for someone he had spent all of 11 days with.
> 
> It doesn't help the healing process that I have to see and/or talk with him quite regularly because we have a 13-year-old son.
> 
> So, definitely not ready. But that's easy to say when I haven't met anyone new who's about my age, give or take a bit, who's available for dating and who I feel interested in enough to date. I do think if I met that man tomorrow, I might hesitate anyway, though. Our divorce was final at the end of July - he moved out in May. I don't foresee feeling ready to try my hand at dating until at least next May.


I think Cougars come out about early summer generally. DUDE


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