# Not sure what I want



## mommyto2girls (Nov 12, 2008)

Well here is my story. I met my husband when I was 17 while working at a gas station station (i was still in high school) and he was 20 and he worked for the same company but at a different store. We started dating valentines day of 2001. We moved in together July 25th (my 18th birthday) of 2001. Shortly after moving in together we decided to stop using birth control and just see what happens. We found out in April of 2002 that we were pregnant and on July 6 2002 we were married and we have now been married 6 1/2 years and have two kids 4 and almost 6.

We had a great relationship for a long time until in Sept of 2005 we moved from PA to MT away from everyone I hold close in my heart to be closer with his family. It seems to me this is when all of our problems started. Even now before we moved I didn't want to leave all of my friends and family to move 2500 miles away from them. When we first talked about moving to MT we talked about it a lot and my husband was very understanding of my feelings and then I said we should go but I would like to option of moving back to PA. Then shortly before we were ready to go, I told him I was scared and I wasn't so sure anymore and his response to me at that time was well the kids and I are going so you can either come or stay. It was awful telling my family that we were moving, and I assured them all that we would be back to visit hopefully once a year if not more and they all saw right through that and knew we wouldn't be able to afford that. My husband and oldest daughter actually came out 5 weeks ahead of me and me and my youngest stayed with my dad while I worked and saved money and he came out to MT to find a place to live and a job etc. While we were seperated for those 5 weeks I felt alive and free again. 

Since we moved out in Sept of 2005 My grandfather passed away in April of 2006 (I was very close with my grandparents as they raised me) I haven't been back to visit PA since then, my grandmother passed away father's day 2007 and then my uncle died July 27 2007 and I couldn't afford to fly back for their funerals. I am telling you all of this becuase part of me feels a resentment toward him for making me move the whole way across the country. 

We have had lots of issues since we moved out here.... We moved out here to be closer to his family, which we hardly ever see any of them and when we do he can't wait to get away from them, so tell me again why we moved out here.

I feel like my husband is a bit controlling. If I want to go somewhere I have to ask permission (grocery store, out the bar with a girlfriend) but when he wants to do something he just tells me he is going never asks if I mind or anything and if I do voice an opinion he doesn't care he just goes and does it. I am sick and tired of pretending to be something I am not when I am at home with him, my girlfriend tells me all the time I am like a completely different pereson when he is not around. He keeps telling me I don't respect him because I don't listen to him. LISTEN to him, he is not my parent he is suppose to be my partner in life. I have come to realize that when it pertains to anything raising our children, life issues, his way is the right way and if we don't do as we are told that we don't respect him. He constantly tells me noone respects him. He gets mad at me for having girl talk with his cousins wife he says that he doesn't have anyone to talk to, that I am his best friend and the only person he talks to about our life and doesn't understand my need to talk to someone other than him. At this point I don't feel like I can tell him how I feel, every time int he past that I have tried he has turned the situation around on my and makes it out to be my fault.

I know I have sort of rambled on and on and on but I think I have given enough information to show the picture somewhat. sorry if it sounds somewhat scatterbrained. I just don't know what I want anymore


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## mommyto2girls (Nov 12, 2008)

does anyone have any advice?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

mommyto2girls said:


> I am telling you all of this becuase part of me feels a resentment toward him for making me move the whole way across the country.
> 
> If I want to go somewhere I have to ask permission


Well, i know he can be controlling but if you start working on your attitude first it will be easier to understand him. 

You're going to have to get this idea that he _*makes*_ you do anything out of your head. Instead, ask yourself why are you making yourself do things you dont want to do? He cant make you do anything. Are you afraid of his anger? Are you afraid of displeasing him? 

Just to start, anytime you do something and you feel resentment, its a sign that YOU are making yourself do something you dont want to do. So start there. If you feel resentful, then dont do it. If you feel resentful asking for permission, then dont ask. 

There is a lot to work on, and communicating about where to live is on a bigger scale. You have to start small, with the things you can change right now, to eventually work through the issue of where to live.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Why do you ask permission to go to the grocery store? Is it because he needs to be there to watch your girls? Have you ever just said "I'm going to the store...I'll be back in an hour."? How would he react?


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

"i just don't know what i want anymore" means what? what do you see the options are?


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