# When the ex cuts you off from their family



## Hobbes18 (Jul 21, 2020)

Hi. I am ending a very toxic marriage to a high-conflict individual. We have been together nearly 15 years, married 11, 2 kids. In this time, I formed relationships with my stbx's huge, warm, loving, accepting family that mean a lot to me. They were supportive during the better part of the separation, but now my stbx has demanded that I have no contact with them. This was the last fear I had expressed in a moment of vulnerability and therefore used to hurt my feelings (stbx's pattern of behavior), but now it is my new reality. I doubt my stbx has even told the family about this demand, but I am not willing to risk a rage session with kids in the mix and I have kept my distance. I realize they are my stbx's family and support system and I need to lean on my own during this difficult time. I am extremely grateful for my children's extended family and try to focus on that positive part. However, this is more painful than deciding to end the marriage as by the time I did that, I knew it was the right choice. I am experiencing a sadness, loneliness, and void that is a first for me. I am used to my vulnerabilities being weaponized in my relationship and can usually brush it off, but this one is really getting to me. I'm in IC, but I'm using that time to get to the root of my contribution to the deterioration of the marriage in the hopes of forming healthier relationships in the future. 
My questions are these: How did you deal with losing your "second family" in divorcing your spouse? Were there any particular healthy coping mechanisms that really helped you transition to your new life? Anyone else in a high-conflict situation who has experienced something like this (division, exclusion, likely smear campaign/permanently damaged friendships)?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I have not been in that situation, but I'm glad you accepted that your relationship with his family is over because that is how it needs to be. He may not have done it for the right reasons, but it will make things less complicated in the long run. 

If you are without friends or family for a support system, then I suggest you get in therapy so you can have someone to talk to. You might want to join a church or a club of some sort or a Meetup group. It isn't easy to make new friends. When your kids are young it's easy to make Mom pseudo friends who will trade off play dates and what not, but those aren't always genuine friendships. 

What is your relationship with your family or do you just not have one? I'm sorry you're having to adjust to so much all of a sudden. What about friends?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I’m sorry your STBX made the choice that he did. The only thing that helps is time. There’s no timetable for dealing with loss — it takes as long as it takes. In the meantime, focus on building a new life for you and your children. It won’t be the same as the old life, obviously, but that doesn’t mean that it can’t be an excellent one.


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## Hobbes18 (Jul 21, 2020)

I do have friends and family, but none have been through something like this. This is one reason it feels so isolating. I'm "losing" a group of people I've called friends/family for 15 years because I finally decided to get out of a hellish marriage, not because I wronged them individually. My family has always decided for themselves whether or not to maintain individual relationships with exes and we have not judged each other for the choices or tried to sway anyone in a different direction. This may be why accepting my situation is so hard, although at some point I will reach a place of radical acceptance. 
My stbx is an unstable person and extremely difficult to deal with. His family has been a link to sanity if you will, and to have no contact with them is not only painful, but a little scary with kids in the mix. I still have to have a "relationship" with him because of the children. To not have the family connection to buffer this intense relationship is tough. I worry that my kids will see "sides," and how that will affect them. I know I won't be hanging out with his family without him anymore, but abruptly going no contact after 15 years something I am really struggling with.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

All lives are different. Spent most holidays/special times with in-laws, then divorce and no more. Doesn't mean kids didn't see them. Rather bravely, I think, but of necessity, started to build a new life-knowing old one would never be the same. Sad for my loss, but blood is thicker than water. It was their loss too.

BTW: Years later, my MIL sent me an apology through the kids. "I'm so sorry, now I undersand." She had to live with him for a while......


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does his family know about the problems that have led to you filing for divorce?


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Slavery has been abolished, ergo he doesn't own his family. Maintain a relationship w/ them as you see fit. Chances are they realize he's a jerk, if not, you don't want them anyway.


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## Hobbes18 (Jul 21, 2020)

"Does his family know about the problems that have led to you filing for divorce?"

(Sorry, I don't know how to quote. Any tips are appreciated).

They know of some issues, such as his substance abuse. But I am sure they are not fully aware of the extent of his mental health issues. He has never stayed in therapy long enough to get an accurate diagnosis. On my side, years of being on the receiving end of his instability reduced me to a resentful, critical, angry mess. I realized that no amount of work I did on myself was going to stop his toxic behavior so I made the very difficult decision to get out. I never spoke ill of my spouse to his family or filled them in on the ugly details. I tried to focus on what positives there were. Overall, I am in a much better place and at one point one of his family members commented that they could see this.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

(Press “Reply” to single-quote or press “Quote” to multiple-quote)


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Hobbes18,

My exH was diagnosed bipolar and borderline personality disorder, and he was abusive, so I identify with what you are going through. Like you, I was close with his family, and losing our marriage and family was painful enough without losing all the extended family too. But my experience was twofold:

1) Good, bad or otherwise, they are HIS family and thus, even though they knew he had cheated, they didn't want to get into the middle of it. After all, he was their son, brother, etc. So don't be surprised if they ae completely aware of all that he's done, and they essentially "take his side" anyway. Sometimes blood is thicker than water. 

2) Although they were his family, they never, ever did "hate" me (although I think at times my exH may have). What we all agreed to do is to continue to be kind and considerate to each other, to continue to "stay in touch" until things settled down, and after that we decided if we wanted to continue to engage or not. For example, I am still "friends" on FB with most of his family and we share things like birthdays, celebrations, etc. We aren't "close" but we never cut each other off either. We still say "Happy Holidays" and yet it is just civil and kind--not deep friendship.


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

20 years after divorcing my X I am still the favorite in X’s family. His father on his deathbed asked if I was coming. His mother treated me as a daughter the whole 20 years we were married and still does. 

The X tried to tell me to go no contact with his family because they weren’t accepting his new partner (OW) and it was my fault. MIL was my after school babysitter and he told me to no longer bring the kids to her. Well that didn’t go down well with grandma at all!

The X is still miserable, nobody likes his AP even after all these years.

If you have a great relationship with the in-laws keep it up, especially for the sake of the children.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Hobbes18 said:


> "Does his family know about the problems that have led to you filing for divorce?"
> 
> (Sorry, I don't know how to quote. Any tips are appreciated).
> 
> They know of some issues, such as his substance abuse. But I am sure they are not fully aware of the extent of his mental health issues. He has never stayed in therapy long enough to get an accurate diagnosis. On my side, years of being on the receiving end of his instability reduced me to a resentful, critical, angry mess. I realized that no amount of work I did on myself was going to stop his toxic behavior so I made the very difficult decision to get out. I never spoke ill of my spouse to his family or filled them in on the ugly details. I tried to focus on what positives there were. Overall, I am in a much better place and at one point one of his family members commented that they could see this.


It sounds like you aren't going out of your way to make him look bad, good for you. When people are too anxious to make someone else look bad, I have to wonder about their motive. If it comes up in conversation, I give it more credibility.


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