# So am I supposed to say I feel bad and pay for you to go next time?!



## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Uggh! So DH is all pensive and distant this weekend. He tells me yesterday that the reason why is because the whole house buying thing is stressing him out and he's basically in "f*** it" mode because usually everything ends up blowing up in his face anyways. Oh and on top of that, he wasn't able to go do his track weekend this past weekend that he had been looking forward to for a few months because he had no money. So am I supposed to feel bad and sad for you because of that?

Let's backtrack here. YOU are the one who had been going on and on through late last year until this March on how we NEED to buy a house and stop renting. I finally get on board, even though I know you have no money and you haven't been able to pay any of your rent as it is. We get a realtor and a lender and have been looking at houses since April. We finally find one and are near closing with it and NOW you are telling me how stressed out you are about it and maybe it wasn't such a good idea?! Why does it ALWAYS come down to this? Every time he is beyond gung ho about doing something and I hear again and again about how great it's going to be, but when it gets down to crunch time all of a sudden it's a bad decision? He got me all hyped up about going to Vegas for months for a business trip where I would be able to go with him but with only a couple weeks to go until the trip he backs out of his position. Good thing I hadn't bought my ticket yet! Tells me how he's going to max out in pay next May (going to make a $13 jump to $36/hr) and how we'll be on easy street then. What do you wanna bet he'll quit his job right before then for whatever reason. I just assume because he is hyping it up so much that it won't happen.

Now he's all glum because he couldn't do his track weekend (which was like $500) because we have to save it for the house. Almost like he expects me to fund it for him because it's one thing he does that makes him happy. However, right before he was all glum about that, he was going on about how he's going to build a deck on the house, and replace kitchen cabinets, and build a pond with a stream, and put in shelving. I nod but don't say a word. I ask him where is all this money going to be coming from since you are currently negative $160 with the bank until pay day? He nonchalantly says "Well aren't we going to use your $10,000 CD for the house like we talked about"? Well that is now $8000 because you needed $2000 for something and I just took another $1100 out to pay for next months rent so we are down to $6900. Gee, maybe YOU could pay for something? I love how you are making plans wiht MY money!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

So you are married and keep every thing separate?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Is this the same guy who took 3 weeks off work because be didn't feel like going in?

Seriously (if it is)... When are you going to realize that until you make a stand, he's going to drag you down into a deep dark pit?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, maybe you should invest some of your money into relationship or financial counselling...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

PBear said:


> Is this the same guy who took 3 weeks off work because be didn't feel like going in?
> 
> Seriously (if it is)... When are you going to realize that until you make a stand, he's going to drag you down into a deep dark pit?
> 
> ...


Ah then it's probably best to keep finances separate.He sounds like a 12 year old in a grown man's body.


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

PBear said:


> Is this the same guy who took 3 weeks off work because be didn't feel like going in?
> 
> Seriously (if it is)... When are you going to realize that until you make a stand, he's going to drag you down into a deep dark pit?
> 
> ...


Yup same guy. Every time I try to speak my mind he talks right over me and tells me to just chill out. Doesn't give me a straight answer as to why he's not going into work and almost seems to think it's funny when I get so upset. Then sees how upset I am and finally tells me something but pretty much lectures me on how he doesn't think he deserves how I'm treating him because he is using vacation time to cover his time. But he isn't using all vacation time. Half of it is unpaid FMLA and it's not planned vacation time anyways. And he is using every bit of it within the first month and won't have any vacation left to last him until it gets renewed next year. Then tells me later that the real reason (not the previous reason or the reason before that) for not going in is because he is stressed out. And you don't think I am??


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Is he still taking a lot of time off work? I thought his change in job roles was going to fix all that?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

PBear said:


> Is he still taking a lot of time off work? I thought his change in job roles was going to fix all that?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He went back last Thursday after his 1 month off stint and is on day 3 of going in. Every single morning I wonder if he's going in or not because him telling me the night before that he is doesn't mean a thing anymore.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Mapper your married to a employed bum. He is not going to change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You can stay with him, buy a house and let him suck you dry financially.

Or you can take action approporate when you discover your husband is more like a child than a man.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I dont know why you would stay married to this man much less buy a house for him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> I dont know why you would stay married to this man much less buy a house for him.


She has said in past threads that she's not getting a divorce. I think he sees her as a source of funds. I don't know what she sees in him.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Really the only option is to believe him when he's showing you that he doesn't want to work. Doesn't feel he has to work. Is completely fine with you bankrolling his lifestyle. And sees no need to change any of this.

No matter how you rant and scream, he's totally fine with the status quo. A little outburst from you every once in a while is probably just fine a price to get to sit at home and play video games in between track weekends. And hey--if you happen to buy a house that you both have title to--all the better for him.

This leaves you with either accepting that this is your life and just put your head down and bust your butt to provide for the both of you, or letting him sink or swim on his own--whether that means a separation or divorce.

Either way, there's no possible way that YOU'RE going to change HIM when he doesn't want to change himself.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Your husband is still in touch with a former girlfriend who gave him herpes (which he then gave to you). 

He refuses to be financially responsible.

What are the positive things you are getting out of this marriage? Help us understand what you are trying to save. We're only hearing the negatives which would make most of us run for the hills.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Mapper said:


> I love how you are making plans wiht MY money!



While I certainly agree with your frustration, I can't help pointing out how ironic it is when women discover the same source of frustration that men have been complaining about since the dawn of time!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I cannot believe you are even staying with this man, let alone saddling yourself with the debt of buying a home "with" him. (FOR him???) 

No offense, but at this point, he isnt your problem, YOU are.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Mapper said:


> ...he's all glum because he couldn't do his track weekend ...Almost like he expects me to fund it for him because it's one thing he does that makes him happy.


Yep, saw this same sort of thing from my STBXH. Early on, while we were still living in different states we planned a big trip together, to another country. Something like a week before the final payments were due to the tour group, he very nonchalantly told me that he hadn't saved enough.

Now I realize what he really wanted was for me to pipe up and say I'd cover him. Massive red flag.

Have you read about narcissism? 

Personally I think you'd be insane to buy a house with (for) this man. It's much better to be alone than be with someone who's just using you. 

My guess is soon he will engineer it so he is unable to work at all. Nothing you do can or will 'make' him work. This scenario is likely to get worse, not better, judging from the other people who posted on my thread and my own experience.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

You almost start to think that his behavior is normal...that that's the way men are or that this excuse for a partner is all you're meant to have.

It's bullsh!t- it is NOT normal behavior.


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## torani (May 6, 2013)

Mapper said:


> Uggh! So DH is all pensive and distant this weekend. He tells me yesterday that the reason why is because the whole house buying thing is stressing him out and he's basically in "f*** it" mode because usually everything ends up blowing up in his face anyways. Oh and on top of that, he wasn't able to go do his track weekend this past weekend that he had been looking forward to for a few months because he had no money. So am I supposed to feel bad and sad for you because of that?
> 
> *Ok so are you upset that he was distant with you and you wanted to be close?? I don't think you should feel bad for him about his pouting all weekend because of track or the house... But I also don't understand why you are angry at him for being stressed out about things? We all have bad days where we get stressed out.. is he not allowed to do that?*
> 
> ...


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