# trying to stay faithful



## Mark Spelling (Jun 11, 2008)

I have a wife a two kids. we have been together for 10 years. I still love her and even more now that the kids are in the picture. I am however feeling less and less physically and passionatly attracted to her. When we do have sex it is out of pure physical desire to fullfill my needs rather than an attraction or passion. I find myself looking at other women constantly and in many cases thinking of ways I could venture out without getting caught. I have tried to hint at ways for my wife and I to spice up our sex life. I even have hinted at way she could change her dress or even exercise more to become more fit and I get in trouble more often than I get a positive response. Does anyone have any advice here for me? I do not want to do something that would hurt her or especially my kids. I also dont want to live the rest of my life feeling like i am trapped in a situation that will never improve.


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## Healing (May 30, 2008)

I don't have much empathy for you, maybe because I'm female and I don't understand how you can claim to love your wife and yet not feel like being intimate with her.

Giving birth to 2 children (your children...) plus the ravages of time will mean she can never look the same as she did way back when. Unless she is really "slobbing" it out right now, it saddens me that it seems some men cannot love their wife for who she is. A few extra pounds and some wrinkles, and dressing like a woman her age rather than dressing like a single young female = "gosh, I'm no longer attracted to her"?

Maybe you can help me understand how guys like you think, because as long as I love my husband I will always yearn to be with him and close to him. Sexual intimacy stems from emotional intimacy for me. You make it seem like it's your wife's job to ensure you are sexually attracted to her.... I want to know why men can say they are not sexually attracted to the person they claim to love, who has devoted herself to him and borne his children.

You say, "When we do have sex it is out of pure physical desire to fullfill *my needs *rather than an attraction or passion." Have you considered what her needs are? Why is sex only to fulfill your needs, and not hers? All this crap about attraction or passion, IMO attraction and passion is what you make of it, its all up to you to spice it up. If you really love her and want to please her, you do it as much for her as you do it for yourself. Either gender can be guilty of this of course, it frustrates me when sex is always all about "what I feel like doing" rather than "what my spouse would enjoy".


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## Healing (May 30, 2008)

Sorry about going on a rant, I guess your story hit too close to home for me. 

But I do really want to understand, maybe this is a mars vs venus kind of issue.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

see my long winded reply on the ladies lounge.

Healing, I can see your point, when i met my wife my wife was 4'11" and 98LBS now she is 4'11" and 125lbs (19 years later, we are late 30's)

Men are physically attracted to women, we can't help it. But there is certainly more to it to carry on a relationship, spice is spice and comes in all flavors.

you have to work it out as a couple.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Mark Spelling said:


> I have a wife a two kids. we have been together for 10 years. I still love her and even more now that the kids are in the picture. I am however feeling less and less physically and passionatly attracted to her. When we do have sex it is out of pure physical desire to fullfill my needs rather than an attraction or passion. I find myself looking at other women constantly and in many cases thinking of ways I could venture out without getting caught. I have tried to hint at ways for my wife and I to spice up our sex life. I even have hinted at way she could change her dress or even exercise more to become more fit and I get in trouble more often than I get a positive response. Does anyone have any advice here for me? I do not want to do something that would hurt her or especially my kids. I also dont want to live the rest of my life feeling like i am trapped in a situation that will never improve.


Well, I'd ask you to be honest with yourself, (and us if you choose to)
Something else is missing.
Physical attraction, over time, ends up meaning less and less - in terms of overall attraction to a partner. When someone cites, I'm not physically attracted, or don't think of my partner sexually, I see that as being the canary in the coal-mine. Almost always there are deeper issues, either with the relationship, or one of the individuals in it.

Off the top, there is nothing wrong with fantasizing about other women - from a mental health perspective, and despite protests about respect or valuing your partner. What you _do_ with those fantasies is another matter.


What do you love about your wife?

What do love about your marriage? 

Is there an emotional or intimacy rift between you now?


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## crystalandmatt412 (Jun 10, 2008)

I'm going to agree with Healing on this one. When I met my wife, I honestly did, and to be COMPLETELY honest, still do think that she's the most beautiful woman I've ever met. Now, I tell her this on a daily basis. Even when times where would women think they look the absolute worst (first waking up, sick, out of the shower, etc)...she is always still the most beautiful things I've laid my eyes on. She is constantly fixated on her looks and feels that she has lost a lot of what she thinks she had when we first met. I'll tell you this...if you truly love someone...they will always be as beautiful to you in your eyes no matter what changes go on. I don't care if my wife gained weight because of children, wanted to completely stop working out...nothing. I will always hold her where I always have...as #1. Once you get over the mentality of her satisfying YOU, maybe you can think this way. Make her smile. Give her compliments. When I do that stuff for my wife and she smiles...there isn't a better feeling in the world.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

crystalandmatt412 said:


> I'll tell you this...if you truly love someone...they will always be as beautiful to you in your eyes no matter what changes go on. I don't care if my wife gained weight because of children, wanted to completely stop working out...nothing. I will always hold her where I always have...as #1. *Once you get over the mentality of her satisfying YOU, maybe you can think this way*. Make her smile. Give her compliments. When I do that stuff for my wife and she smiles...there isn't a better feeling in the world.



I understand where you are coming from Matt, and that kind of love and acceptance is the ideal everybody hopes for - but for many people, it isn't reality. There are just too many factors.

Context is everything. If your wife suffered from low self-esteem, or negative body image, how _you_, or anyone for that matter, perceive her will have little impact, even if she were drop-dead gorgeous.

This takes me to your statement about the notion that Mark should focus on her feelings above his own. I interpreted the statement as selfishness. 

Here is my thing ...

All relationships are fundamentally selfish. Peel away high ideals, poetry, and rationale. You become involved with someone because you _desire_ something from them. They spark something in you based upon their, looks, behaviors, or interests. 

You stay with them because you _get_ something from them; love, sex, money, reassurance, companionship, fulfillment, a country club membership, bingo partner ... whatever.

Plenty of folks may take issue with that view, and find it callouse, but that is my story and I'm sticking to it.

The formative seed of virtually every relationship issue stems from someone not getting what they want, or not getting what they _think_ they want. I don't include abuse, or substance related problems. That is another animal. 

So, after that rant, my point simply is, I don't think there is enough information on the table regarding Mark's sexual disinterest in his wife. 

I would also point to my own experience. I fell into a depression related to work, money, and home-life. I gained over 20 pounds. I didn't feel good about myself, consequently, my wife pulled further away from me as well.
When I came out of it, hit the gym, lost the weight and found my self-confidence again, guess what? My wife started complimenting me, and flat out said ... "You were fat and unhappy. I like you much better this way."

That is my contrast with Mark's situation. While I never doubted that my wife loved me, she most certainly didn't _want_ me, which at the time, only compounded my issues. I wanted her, physically and emotionally - and got nothing for a very, very long time.


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## jumper21 (Jun 18, 2008)

I completely understand where you are at. I am a male that is having physical attraction issues with my wife as well. This has lead me into a position where I am contemplating divorce as well. 
We have two kids, married 9 yrs. She doesn't laugh anymore, and I could tell that we both are not having any fun or have had fun in the past 2 or 3 years. 

Many of you say we are shallow, but this is my perspective. Is it fair to call me shallow when she is the one who has changed. She went from 120lbs (5'3") to 165lbs. Would i have been attracted to her if she had been 165... probably not. Imagine if something in your spouse had changed by 30%. Something that you felt strongly about... religion, political view, sexual experience, anything that is important. Not fair to blame Matt. She's the one that changed. 

My issue is not the just the physical weight, but it's also her attitude. I love my wife and if she asked me to change something... like my obsession with sports, I would because it really mattered to her. I've discussed this tough topic with her, but her actions hasn't changed. These two are my issues. I know she could lose the weight, but she CHOOSES not to. That to me is selfish as well.

I like DEEJO's experience. I agree there are times that we are not at our best... but blatant disregard of your spouses desire does not help as well.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

Mark Spelling said:


> I have a wife a two kids. we have been together for 10 years. I still love her and even more now that the kids are in the picture. I am however feeling less and less physically and passionatly attracted to her. When we do have sex it is out of pure physical desire to fullfill my needs rather than an attraction or passion. I find myself looking at other women constantly and in many cases thinking of ways I could venture out without getting caught. *I have tried to hint *at ways for my wife and I to spice up our sex life. I *even have hinted *at way she could change her dress or even exercise more to become more fit and I get in trouble more often than I get a positive response. Does anyone have any advice here for me? I do not want to do something that would hurt her or especially my kids. I also dont want to live the rest of my life feeling like i am trapped in a situation that will never improve.


I would stop short of saying I am in a similar situation, but I guess it would be close. I would not cheat on my wife, as that would end my marriage, and so it's not an option. You are using the word hinting quite a bit. How can you honestly say your wife knows to the extent of your desires if you are not telling her what your needs are? You need to tell her about how important it is to you and go from there. You should not however tell her you look at other women etc... If you feel as though you have exhausted all avenues and she will not accomodate you, then you can make your decision to separate. In the meantime, I would say masturbate...


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## jumper21 (Jun 18, 2008)

Dancing Nancie said:


> I would stop short of saying I am in a similar situation, but I guess it would be close. I would not cheat on my wife, as that would end my marriage, and so it's not an option. You are using the word hinting quite a bit. How can you honestly say your wife knows to the extent of your desires if you are not telling her what your needs are? You need to tell her about how important it is to you and go from there. You should not however tell her you look at other women etc... If you feel as though you have exhausted all avenues and she will not accomodate you, then you can make your decision to separate. In the meantime, I would say masturbate...


 I laughed so hard at your last comment. No cheating on wife or spouse at all. My father did and it's something that I wouldn't do. I have not only hinted had confessed to her that I have a problem with her weight. She just doesn't want to put the breaks on her eating habit. It's her addiction, I think. She won't admit it, but I've seen her eat and it's only going to get worse. She just can't stop.
That is I think the big cause. She works out like crazy so I know if she put the breaks on eating, she would lose tons pretty quickly.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

Well your first mistake was telling her she was overweight. I made this mistake one time, and that was almost 6 years ago. I still hear about it from time to time during heated arguments. Whether or not you were thinking it was constructive, it most certainly wasn't. Women think about weight differently than men do. If I was told I was overweight, I would look at what I was doing and try to change it. Women may think it, but they certainly don't need to hear it from the ones they love.


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## jumper21 (Jun 18, 2008)

You're absolutely right. Its been a battle since that statement. BUT it was supposed to be, let's get everything out on the table, type meeting. I mean... I thought there were no rules, other then coarse words. Male logic says, if you don't want to hear what could possibly be said, we shouldn't do those meetings. 

So now what do i do?


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

Well I would ask her how it affected her. Then I would appologize and say that you didn't mean to say it to hurt her etc... 

When my wife has expressed interest in losing weight I try to be as involved as possible. The only way to atone for mistakes is to show by action what you really meant. For example: My wife's favorite diet is the weight watchers. The basis of that diet is to weigh your food, and keep track of everything you eat by a point system. She would pick out what we would have and I would cook, and weigh out her portions etc... 

Even though I have done these things, it still comes up when she is really mad at me. So you have to accept that women may forgive but the don't forget...


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## jumper21 (Jun 18, 2008)

I agree. I think the difference we have is in the mindset of the wife. My wife just is anti and will not put any effort in eating less. She'll exercise and I think that is what keeps her from gaining but she can eat and will eat every opportunity. I tried cleaning the pantry and cooking. and to no avail she has found ways to satisfy her hunger.

I think that part will need to come on her own through other means.


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## Triton (Jul 8, 2008)

As a guy , this is wild. I love my wife of 16 years , and yes I sometimes feel the same way. But to lose everything. Man, that is deep. Use your imagination with the lights out. For, me I am walking Viagra without using it-thank God for porn and my imagination- on wet and dry days. Cheaper to keeper her.


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## jumper21 (Jun 18, 2008)

Hilarious! That is where I'm at as well. Kids are the main reason why we're still together. If we didn't have kids, we would have been done way back. 
I'm stuck for now but can't stop thinking about how to make it work or if moving on is worth it....


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