# Why am I the bad guy??!!



## rhonda1971 (Oct 9, 2014)

my stbxh has been with another woman the entire time that we have been married. this woman would call me constantly late at night looking for him, he'd come home with scratches on his back, he would go missing for 5 and 6 hours at time (and i could never reach him), never took care of home (but made sure she was taken care of), and then he started not coming home (and i couldn't ever reach him until the next afternoon.

finally had enough and D proceedings has been started and I cut off all contacts. stbxh went snooping around on another public forum that i'm on and found out that i went on a date with someone.

during one of our break-ups because of this woman again. i went on a date with someone. it didn't go anywhere because i was still so hung up on my husband at the time. anyway, he came to my job yesterday and he was all upset about it. he started saying that he couldn't believe that i cheated on him and he has been doing so much to make a better life for us and i was cheating on me. i said, "please!! give me a [email protected]#king break!! all the toture that you and this woman has put me through, i have should have done more than that. then he called me a piece of sh!t because i have him blocked out of everything. he said that i just knew for sure that he'd be contacting me, so i was conceited for blocking him out.

i just let him ramble on while i walked away. 

how did i become the bad guy in all of this??


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## ChristianGrey (Nov 27, 2014)

He got used to the _arrangement_ and felt entitled to it.

What took you so long, esp. with her calling you at nights?!


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## rhonda1971 (Oct 9, 2014)

he tried to make me believe that she was just nuts over him and that she would do anything to break us up. i believed it for long time but started seeing things that proved otherwise.

we have been married for 3 1/2 years and it has been turmoil with her and his nonsense for the entire time. 



ChristianGrey said:


> He got used to the _arrangement_ and felt entitled to it.
> 
> What took you so long, esp. with her calling you at nights?!


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Answer: you're not the bad guy, he's just trying to shift the blame. Don't let him rile you up.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

First off, why would you ask "why am I the bad guy"? I asume you feel guilty for going your own morals and going on a date...that is good. But, you are divorcing him, who cares what he says? Seriously, he is about a big a DB there is from the sound of it. I would not give him the satisfaction of being hurt by his words. I would laugh and not give it a second thought. Thank God you are leaving that situation.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Misplaced anger.

He lives by the double standard rule - it's ok when HE does it. It's NOT ok when you do it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Also, your best revenge would be letting her have him.


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## rhonda1971 (Oct 9, 2014)

absolutely!! Misplaced anger. a piece of work he is. he was also calling me from another number that he has, and i blocked that one as well. i don't need to see or hear his messages about me cheating on him and being a piece of sh!t.



Jellybeans said:


> Misplaced anger.
> 
> He lives by the double standard rule - it's ok when HE does it. It's NOT ok when ou do it.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Unless you guys have kids, you should not be talking to him.

Also, you should not really be letting him effect your emotional state or how you feel about the situation.

Cut him off completely and tell him if he reaches out again you will get a restraining order (again, assuming there are no kids involved here).

You don't need to explain anything to him or answer him anything.

Meanwhile, learn a valuable lesson from all this. You enabled your husband to be with another women while married to you. Chances are high he loved that arrangement and assumed you were ok with it. And you cheating was probably not part of the deal.

Seems to me like there was SEVERE break down in communication and you kind of allowed his behavior to happen.

Don't do that again.....do NOT settle for this type of a men or you will go thru this cycle again. I know it's hard to let go of your loved one......but there are situations when you have to. If not, you become the enabler.

Good luck



Jellybeans said:


> Also, your best revenge would be letting her have him.


The best way to fight your enemy is to ignore them. 

Revenge is coming to him regardless.


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## rhonda1971 (Oct 9, 2014)

yes, you are right!!



Jellybeans said:


> Also, your best revenge would be letting her have him.


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## rhonda1971 (Oct 9, 2014)

no kids involved. THANK GOD!! and yes, this was hurtful lesson. i was just allowing his behavior because i kept allowing him back in my life knowing that he was still dealing with this woman. he would tell lie after lie after lie. i finally started opening my eyes to the bull that i saw early on. i just loved him so much and i don't even know why.

also, he doesn't know how that affected my emotions. only you guys know. i knew in my heart that i didn't do anything wrong nor did i owe him an explanation. i just needed validation on what i was feeling.






DoF said:


> Unless you guys have kids, you should not be talking to him.
> 
> Also, you should not really be letting him effect your emotional state or how you feel about the situation.
> 
> ...


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## rhonda1971 (Oct 9, 2014)

lololololol he is a huge DB!!! 





Observer said:


> First off, why would you ask "why am I the bad guy"? I asume you feel guilty for going your own morals and going on a date...that is good. But, you are divorcing him, who cares what he says? Seriously, he is about a big a DB there is from the sound of it. I would not give him the satisfaction of being hurt by his words. I would laugh and not give it a second thought. Thank God you are leaving that situation.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

The only appropriate response, besides silence, "being called a pos by you is rich". Say hi to your cheap wh0re for me".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rhonda1971 (Oct 9, 2014)

i love it!!



lifeistooshort said:


> The only appropriate response, besides silence, "being called a pos by you is rich". Say hi to your cheap wh0re for me".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DoF said:


> Also, you should not really be letting him effect your emotional state or how you feel about the situation..


Easier said than done. This is a man she married, not some random dude she went on 2 dates with. It hurts. Anyone in her situation would be hurting and would feel all kinds of nerves/feelings with everything she's been to and when he calls her blameshifting her. 

She is human, after all. You'd have to have ZERO feelings in order to not feel the slight tinge of *something* in that situation.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Easier said than done. This is a man she married, not some random dude she went on 2 dates with. It hurts. Anyone in her situation would be hurting and would feel all kinds of nerves/feelings with everything she's been to and when he calls her blameshifting her.
> 
> She is human, after all. You'd have to have ZERO feelings in order to not feel the slight tinge of *something* in that situation.


I understand that. I was referring to "setting your state of mind' more than actually "ignoring".

Noticed when you set your mind to something, it's hard to penetrate that (as you practice etc).


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## rhonda1971 (Oct 9, 2014)

yes, i see. he certainly cannot handle it.



woundedwarrior said:


> Cheaters can't handle when the tables are turned on them or even if they think they could be? We used to antagonize a co worker over this. He would go out to bars, while his wife was out of town on business, dance and "make out" with other women and didn't consider that cheating. We would tell him not to worry, his wife was probably doing the same thing while she was gone. This would throw him into a tirade. One time he even accused her when she got home. Needless to say, she finally divorced him.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

rhonda1971 said:


> my stbxh has been with another woman the entire time that we have been married. this woman would call me constantly late at night looking for him, he'd come home with scratches on his back, he would go missing for 5 and 6 hours at time (and i could never reach him), never took care of home (but made sure she was taken care of), and then he started not coming home (and i couldn't ever reach him until the next afternoon.
> 
> finally had enough and D proceedings has been started and I cut off all contacts. stbxh went snooping around on another public forum that i'm on and found out that i went on a date with someone.
> 
> ...


Because he is a jerk. I could use stronger language but not sure what is acceptable on the site. It is good that you are divorcing him. That just shows you are making the right choice. I would make it pretty clear he is not allowed at your job anymore. Completely inappropriate.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He's a jerk who is now out of your life. You win!!!

You learned a valuable lesson.

If he bugs you again see if you can get a restraining order against him for stalking you.


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## rhonda1971 (Oct 9, 2014)

very inappropriate!! he is so unreal. and i don't even believe any of his fake emotions. i think it's all just a game to win be back and do the same thing again. he is never leaving that woman. with that woman in and out of my marriage like that, i felt tortured!! but i only have myself to blame for that part. i allowed it.



Pooh Bear said:


> Because he is a jerk. I could use stronger language but not sure what is acceptable on the site. It is good that you are divorcing him. That just shows you are making the right choice. I would make it pretty clear he is not allowed at your job anymore. Completely inappropriate.


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## rhonda1971 (Oct 9, 2014)

yes, i know!!!

you know there are moments when i start to feel a little compassion, (i don't know why lol) but then i start to think about everything that he has put me through and i straighten up and get back on the right path lol. i have to admit, this has not been an easy task but each day that goes by i get stronger and stronger.




EleGirl said:


> He's a jerk who is now out of your life. You win!!!
> 
> You learned a valuable lesson.
> 
> If he bugs you again see if you can get a restraining order against him for stalking you.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

rhonda1971 said:


> very inappropriate!! he is so unreal. and i don't even believe any of his fake emotions. i think it's all just a game to win be back and do the same thing again. he is never leaving that woman. with that woman in and out of my marriage like that, i felt tortured!! but i only have myself to blame for that part. i allowed it.


Stop blaming yourself and start living. Good luck! :


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## rhonda1971 (Oct 9, 2014)

:iagree::iagree:


Cobalt said:


> Stop blaming yourself and start living. Good luck! :


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