# Question for all of you!



## AngieSlay

There may or may not be a “right or wrong “ answer so I guess it comes down to outlook or perception and feelings about this. Question: Do any of you male or female feel that if your spouse looks at another person naked like on porn sites or watches booty shaking with thongs on or guys flexing their greased up muscles .. whatever the case is. When they do this ; Do any of you feel like they are or have cheated on you? Just by looking and getting turned on by it... i don’t want arguments, just opinions please


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Uh, say the original post again? Your first post was edited.


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## happyhusband0005

No


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## Evinrude58

it’s wrong, because it’s lust. I think not cheating since one assumably doesn’t know the porn people, has no intention of actually banging them, and isn’t developing emotions for the porn people.

Its not a healthy for a marriage, particularly if your spouse feels bad about you doing it.
For some it’s addictive. Not cheating to me.


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## Affaircare

Nope because beauty is beautiful. For example, if a gorgeous looking woman walks passed all dolled up in her finest, she IS beautiful, exteriorly. If a dude walks by dressed to the nines, fully groomed, and buff as can be, he IS beautiful, exteriorly.  I would consider it roughly the same as walking past an amazing statue or stunning painting. It IS beautiful, and even stopping to appreciate the beauty is just that. Wow. 

But lingering and rolling over into lust is another thing. To me, lust would be going from "I acknowledge sheer beauty" to "I want that beauty in a sexual way" or "I desire that rather than my own spouse." In my opinion, that's not appropriate. Now I realize the fine line that is visual stimulation. Looking can have a physical response. But if the response morphs away from seeing and getting a little zing, to desiring and acting on that desire (such as flirting or indicating the turn on), then I think that's crossing a line.


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## Angie?or…

I wouldn’t put it in quite the same class as cheating, but I definitely would be hurt, annoyed and offended by it. I think it would be harmful to my marriage and the respect and safety I feel with my husband.


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## BeyondRepair007

The line of what is cheating or not depends entirely on you. No one else.

I would consider porn cheating.
Thats my boundary and if my wife crosses it, then it’s cheating no matter what she (or anyone here) thinks about it.
As long as all this is communicated or understood then there’s no problem.

Some people don’t have any boundaries here, some have very tight boundaries. It’s up to each couple.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

AngieSlay said:


> There may or may not be a “right or wrong “ answer so I guess it comes down to outlook or perception and feelings about this. Question: Do any of you male or female feel that if your spouse looks at another person naked like on porn sites or watches booty shaking with thongs on or guys flexing their greased up muscles .. whatever the case is. When they do this ; Do any of you feel like they are or have cheated on you? Just by looking and getting turned on by it... i don’t want arguments, just opinions please


My wife can look....no sampling the menu.


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## Anastasia6

AngieSlay said:


> There may or may not be a “right or wrong “ answer so I guess it comes down to outlook or perception and feelings about this. Question: Do any of you male or female feel that if your spouse looks at another person naked like on porn sites or watches booty shaking with thongs on or guys flexing their greased up muscles .. whatever the case is. When they do this ; Do any of you feel like they are or have cheated on you? Just by looking and getting turned on by it... i don’t want arguments, just opinions please


Yes.


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## TexasMom1216

BeyondRepair007 said:


> The line of what is cheating or not depends entirely on you. No one else.
> 
> I would consider porn cheating.
> Thats my boundary and if my wife crosses it, then it’s cheating no matter what she (or anyone here) thinks about it.
> As long as all this is communicated or understood then there’s no problem.
> 
> Some people don’t have any boundaries here, some have very tight boundaries. It’s up to each couple.


Exactly. If you’re not at a point where you can express what is truly the line for you then you’re not ready to marry.


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## Diana7

Porn is cheating to me yes. I wouldn't accept it in a marriage Noticing an attractive person in the street isnt porn, it's how we react to that person that matters. If someone stares, leers, ogles or undresses them with their eyes, then to me they have gone too far.


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## Personal

AngieSlay said:


> Question: Do any of you male or female feel that if your spouse looks at another person naked like on porn sites or watches booty shaking with thongs on or guys flexing their greased up muscles .. whatever the case is. When they do this ; Do any of you feel like they are or have cheated on you? Just by looking and getting turned on by it... i don’t want arguments, just opinions please


No I've never felt cheated on by any of my current or previous sexual partners, when they have looked at other people naked etc, and got turned on by that and or have masturbated as well to such things.

Likewise my wife and my previous sexual partners have never expressed any opinion, that looking at other adults and getting turned on by them. Or that looking at film or pictures and masturbating is a problem either. Also on that, my wife actively encourages me (as have others in my past) to draw pictures of and render paintings of or photograph other women and men (as well as herself), posing nude for me in person as well.


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## maquiscat

AngieSlay said:


> There may or may not be a “right or wrong “ answer so I guess it comes down to outlook or perception and feelings about this. Question: Do any of you male or female feel that if your spouse looks at another person naked like on porn sites or watches booty shaking with thongs on or guys flexing their greased up muscles .. whatever the case is. When they do this ; Do any of you feel like they are or have cheated on you? Just by looking and getting turned on by it... i don’t want arguments, just opinions please


I do not. For me, when I do bother to look at porn, usually I am thinking of how I would like to do what I see with either of my wives. Of course, I can recognized those things we can't do either due to age, or it was just movie fantasy. I'm not sure if any of my spouses look at porn separate from with me, but I don't care if they do. I know where we will be in the end. In bed together.


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## maquiscat

TexasMom1216 said:


> Exactly. If you’re not at a point where you can express what is truly the line for you then you’re not ready to marry.


This here alone could drop the divorce rate like 50%. It might drop the marriage rate a bit too, but that's still all to the good.


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## oldshirt

My world views and outlooks on life and sexuality are quite a bit different from a lot (and I do mean A LOT ) of the other posters here. 

I believe that when we get into a partnership with someone, that means we share our sexualities and work in partnership to meet each others sexual wants and needs. 

That does not mean that we cease to be sexual beings or that we cease to notice and appreciate the beauty and desirability of others. It doesn't mean that now all the other 7 billion people of the world become invisible, sexless droids. 

Cheating is violating mutually agreed upon parameters of the relationship. It doesn't mean that thinking Brad Pitt or Heidi Klume is attractive and appealing is cheating. 

We are responsive creatures that respond to what goes on around us, if we see someone that we find appealing and sexy, our autonomic nervous system will respond to that stimulus whether we are married to someone else or not. We can't NOT be aroused and stimulated by what we encounter in our environment. 

Thinking Zack Effron or Anna Kendrick are hot and sexy is not a choice or conscious decision. Trying to get them into bed or getting into bed with them if they offer, is. 

Again, it comes down to the agreed upon parameters of your relationship on what is and what is not cheating. If you insist that your partner never look at another person and never get a feeling of arousal by the gaze upon another,, you're going to get cheated on a lot because we are simply sexual beings that get stimulated by attractive members of the opposite sex (or same sex if that is your thang). 

The flip side of that is the various forms of consensual nonmonogamy where even actual sex with other people can be permitted but under the terms of agreement within the relationship. 

Regardless whether someone is hetersexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual etc etc At minimum, they are going to be attracted to one degree or another to roughly 50% of the earth's population. It's something every couple is going to have to discuss and work out for themselves on where that line of acceptability will be.


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## LisaDiane

NO. I don't mind if my partner is turned on by other people, as long as he brings that sexual energy and desire TO ME.

I never want to control my partner's sexuality, I want him to be a REAL person with me, and I expect that will always include being turned on by seeing other women and sex acts. I am not threatened by his attraction to other people as long as he always wants ME. And it excites me when my partner is in a very sexual frame of mind and wants to share that with me!!

I lived the opposite, and it's a lonely, barren desert where I felt like I was dying of thirst, and the person who promised to give me water kept it all to himself.

THAT is what is negative and frightening for me in a relationship, sexual selfishness. It's not negative or hurtful (for me) when my partner shares all his water WITH me, no matter where that water comes from.


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## Married but Happy

No.


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## Mr.Married

If my wife gets turned on by such things I’m glad to know she still has a pulse. 

Lookey Lookey … No Touchy Touchy 👀


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## ThatDarnGuy!

My wife and I are very realistic that of course we are going to see other people who are physically attractive.

Hey baby! Look at the milk cannons on that woman walking! 🤣


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## BeyondRepair007

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> My wife and I are very realistic that of course we are going to see other people who are physically attractive.
> 
> Hey baby! Look at the milk cannons on that woman walking! 🤣


My wife tells me all the time "Wow she is really beautiful don't you think?"
I'm not falling for that trap!


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## She'sStillGotIt

AngieSlay said:


> There may or may not be a “right or wrong “ answer so I guess it comes down to outlook or perception and feelings about this. Question: Do any of you male or female feel that if your spouse looks at another person naked like on porn sites or watches booty shaking with thongs on or guys flexing their greased up muscles .. whatever the case is. When they do this ; Do any of you feel like they are or have cheated on you? Just by looking and getting turned on by it... i don’t want arguments, just opinions please


Good lord.

Yeah yeah, I know what the bible says about committing adultery if you look at someone with lust. But down here in the *real* world, if someone is going to think their mate is "cheating" on them every time they look at a member of the opposite sex or find them desirable, then that person probably shouldn't be in a relationship because they're not equipped to deal with *reality*. Having to deal with someone like that would make my brain literally explode.


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## AngieSlay

Thanks everyone my feelings get hurt and I get very upset and my confidence gets destroyed I know there are attractive people but my thoughts are like If you need to look at someone else to get turned on or excited then we definitely are not going to work but then I feel guilty for feeling this way and I don't know why


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## BeyondRepair007

AngieSlay said:


> Thanks everyone my feelings get hurt and I get very upset and my confidence gets destroyed I know there are attractive people but my thoughts are like If you need to look at someone else to get turned on or excited then we definitely are not going to work but then I feel guilty for feeling this way and I don't know why


You can always set that as your boundary. “Don’t look at porn or lust over other women”.

You wouldn’t be the first to have that rule, I can assure you.

If your man doesn’t think that’s fair then it’s ok to get another man.
Simple as that.

there probably will be people who say that’s unreasonable. And according to their worldview, it would be. But you are you. Set your own boundaries where you need them to be.

And then… work on your self-confidence. It sounds pretty low and you might want to talk to someone about that. It would be hard to be around a woman who gets her feelings hurt a lot. I don’t mean to berate you, your feelings are yours alone. I’m just saying if you increase your self-confidence then your feelings wouldn’t be hurt quite so easily.


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## D0nnivain

No, looking is not cheating IMO. It's not even something I give a flying fig about. 

That said, you & your SO have to be on the same page about this. There are no absolutes here but you can't force people to change their opinions on the subject. If one party doesn't tolerate this, that person needs to be in a relationship with somebody who agrees it's problematic. When one thinks it's no big deal & they look at porn or go to strip clubs and the other thinks those things are a massive betrayal is where you have problems. Same thing for drinking & drugs. Like needs like. Opposites cause friction that generally can't be overcome.

Your reaction to your SO looking speaks more to your lack of self esteem than your partner's fidelity, IMO: 


> Thanks everyone my feelings get hurt and I get very upset and my confidence gets destroyed I know there are attractive people but my thoughts are like If you need to look at someone else to get turned on or excited then we definitely are not going to work but then I feel guilty for feeling this way and I don't know why


I'll grant you, that if your partner _needs_ to look at another to have sex with you, that's an insurmountable problem but the act of looking, porn or an occasional trip to a strip club for a bachelor party or something like that should not rock the foundations of a solid relationship. If those activities are more important than the relationship or are too often substituted for time together, that again is a problem. 

I kind of get where you're coming from though. I'm flat chested. An EX loved porn where the women practically had basketballs for boobs. It used to make me wonder why he was dating me. I never fully believed it when he said size didn't matter but that isn't why our relationship ended. 

I think you don't feel as secure in the relationship for some reason & that is what makes you react so negatively to the behaviors. If you knew you were the most important person in his life this might not bug you quite so much.


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## April Midnight

.


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## Quad73

AngieSlay said:


> Thanks everyone my feelings get hurt and I get very upset and my confidence gets destroyed I know there are attractive people but
> 
> my thoughts are like If you need to look at someone else to get turned on or excited then we definitely are not going to work
> 
> but then I feel guilty for feeling this way and I don't know why


You feel guilty and conflicted because the thing you say to yourself is not true. Unless you left something out of your posts?

He doesn't "NEED to look at someone ELSE to GET turned on". You've not said that he's dependent - but it's how you feel. I think if you resolve that with a bit of personal CBT, you'll feel a lot better about the situation and yourself. 

Rewrite the thought that's going though your head to better reflect reality - "He occasionally looks at others he finds beautiful, but who doesn't, and he's with me for a reason." or whatever is more truthful for your case. The world is full of beauty.


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