# Fell for a friend and now there is non? Just need some advice.



## jaykay007 (Sep 7, 2010)

Well, where to start? I am a 30’s adult, had my fare share of bad luck in relationships but had some good ones too. Been married, divorced the B*** of hell 3 years ago, had a girlfriend a year after and now been flying solo a year since that ended. I am pretty content with my life and how things happened around me. Yet I have a question about a girl that I fell for and her behaviour just does not make sense.

We have known each other for a couple of years, but I would say in the last 6-7 months we became extremely close in friendship. She was flirtatious during this time and in her mid to late 20s. We do live 3 hours by plane apart. BBM during the day, every day, since 6am till 10pm and skype/phone calls some evenings. We were so involved in each other’s life’s it simply became habit. I knew everything of her, down to super personal stuff, even her “womanly calendar”. (Can it get more personal?)

Long story short, she flew down a couple of times to visit me at the coast. We had great times, adventures, always in each other’s faces and enjoying every moment of it, I truly went out of my way to spoil her rotten. BUT, I realised I am now stuck in the “friend zone” but managed to control my feelings towards her since she sometimes gave me the impression she is not interested in anything more. She openly admitted to me, and eventually every day, that she considers me as her “best friend”. I don’t have best friends, only really close ones (and a few) and I did tell her that. Sorry, I don’t believe in that because I can’t place one friend above another. A Friend to me is all or nothing.

I was giving off signals that I really like her more than a friend, gifts, valentines crap, you name it and always great full and accepting but I just didn’t have the goons to tell her. I just never felt the right moment to tell her and I guess I was scare of loosing what we had. She was not like the others, and I never had a real lack in confidence, except this time. Don’t tell me she is so stupid not to sense this? Women are usually sharp at these things, right?

As per ritual she BB’d me early one morning and I obviously responded as usual. She then asked me how I allowed myself to fell in love again after my divorce. I told her it just happens, but pursuing it a matter of personal preference. She then said something that shot right through me. “I have met someone but why does it feel weird telling you about it?”. I thought WOW, here is it now. I let it ripped and tell her is it not because she knows I am into her? She told me she didn’t know I felt like THAT over her and she needs time to think. So I gave her time.

She later responded she don’t want to hurt me and whatnot and that she needs to cut things with me because she does not want to be the person that is responsible for my pain and that she do loves me. I told her short and simple she made her choice clear and I will accept it because she made her mind up and nothing I can say will change that. (not my 1st rejection).

2 days later she send me this massive email praising me, how great I am and adding again she does not want to be the one to hurt me etc. At that moment I could only read “GUILT” for some reason or another. I thought about it for a while and send her an email back basically saying I wish it didn’t have to end like this and I do care for her but I hope the new fellow will love her and care for her as what she deserves and that I really treasure the time we spend together. I was feeling the hurt then but I knew that’s all I can do and that our friendship is lost. I don’t think she will ever look at me with the same eyes again, so I came to the conclusion time to move on.

She removed me from facebook and BBM (because her reason was not to upset me or something). I let it go and stay my distance. She text me a few days later telling me the same story of her not hurting me etc, I responded ‘what’s done is done”. Again 3-4 days later the same time of text again but this time I could read deeper in that message that she actually misses me and I just responded “I miss you too”. I was in a bike accident and she heard somehow. Text me again on how much I mean to her and that she is just glad I am ok. I just responded “I will be ok, but thanks alot”. And now a few days later again I received a text saying she is just thinking of me and hope all is ok. I didn’t respond.

I though she is in a committed relationship, is she trying to mindf** me? I am on this website so probably yes. Is this regret of some sort? Or just guilt?

Yes, it is hard to let go, I know I have to but I am just abit confused at the moment.


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## clairey83 (Apr 20, 2012)

This sounds quite similar to me...except I'm almost 2 years on from where you're at. I had a friend who was a guy. We were friendly from when I was about 16/17, we worked together for a bit too. Then I moved away, got married and lost touch with everyone from home. Seven years later, I left my then husband and moved home with my 18mth old daughter to start again. One night while moving belongings, I crashed my car. When I put it into the garage to be checked over, I discovered my friend still worked there. So we had a bit of a catch up. He was still with the same girl he was with before I left, and he now had 2 kids; a boy and a girl the same age as mine. Anyway, that was us back in touch again. Shortly after that he lost his job and we ended up workin together again for another of out friends. We got to be great pals again, and I also became great friends with his partner. 
Anyway, a couple of years later, they split. I remained good friends to both of them - altho difficult at times. After 6 months - a year he started to let me know he liked me, thought we'd be good together etc. I kept right out of it as we were good friends, and also I thought he was just after me for easiness. Rather than have to actually go out and start dating again. Anyway, another year after that something bad happened in his life and i was sooo worried about him. Checked in on him everyday with visits, phone calls, texts etc. I was in a relationship at this point although not a very good one and it was ending. That kind of has no relevance other than I was out one night with my friends, my boyfriend at the time was also out and I had asked him to let me enjoy my night with the girls. But anyway, it didn't happen, my night got ruined and I found myself on the phone to Bob to come collect me and take me home. The next day the boyfriend was dumped for his exploits. Over the next month or so I began to realise it was always bob who I called to rescue me, from anything - car trouble, men trouble, broken lawnmower cables - and he always came. 
Anyway, he was back at me that we'd be good together and I was still telling him no. We had such a strong friendship, which was soooo important to me. And I'm awful at relationships, I couldn't bear to risk wrecking our friendship. 
However, one day, listening to Nickelback, if today was your last day, I decided to just go for it! I'd never forgive myself if I never took the chance. 
Anyway, that was almost 2 years ago. If you see some of my other posts, you'll know it's not perfect just now. But I'll never give up, I still can't ruin that friendship!

Obviously I don't know what you're friend is thinking. But I can tell you that good friendships sometimes can be too special to risk by turning into a relationship! I still hope every single day that we never muck this up!

Good luck to you


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She had to know you were into her, especially if you were giving her Valentine's Day gifts.

Her actions have spoken for her: she told you she met someone, deleted you from her Facebook and reaches out to you to put out "feelers." Maybe you boost her ego when she's feeling down.

Advice: move on. If she wanted to be with you, she would be. 

She's with another guy.

End of story.

And for goodness sakes, stop the contact with her. It's only going to cause you more heartache.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Jaykay:

Sorry to hear this. 

I have found that there are woman out there who like to get attention and gifts from men without any intention of having a real relationship with them. 

I think this says something about their personality and personally if I were you I would run because it does not say anything nice. 

This woman needs male attention to feed her ego, but it was really wrong for her to accept gifts and dinners out, etc. She should have paid her own way on friend's only outings and a Valentine's day gift should definitely not have been accepted or expected by her. 

Run.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

To me it sounds as though she does not want to let go of the friendship. If it were anything more (i.e. she realized she made mistake and wants to be with you as more than friends) she would say so because she knows you are into her.


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## intrigid (May 21, 2012)

I read your post and it inspired me to sign up just to respond to it.

I want to commend you on how you've handled this situation. I can't imagine you could have handled it any better than you did. The level of maturity is something that is pretty rare from what I've seen. You're truly setting yourself up for the best possible outcome. Please just keep doing what you're doing. Remember to continue to be nice to her, stay out of the friend zone, and deal with your emotions with grace and dignity.


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## intrigid (May 21, 2012)

I disagree with Angel's advice to ask her to stop contacting you. That lets her off the hook and shifts all the emotional burden of the situation from her to you. It may also be an overreaction given the circumstances. If she's feeling guilty about the situation, then an argument can be made that she kind of brought it on herself by stringing you along all this time.

It's common for people in your situation to respond in frustration by telling the other person to go away. The way I see it, we do this out of altruism. We never really think about it in so many words, but this is what's going on in our mind: "I'm already an emotional wreck, so if I tell her to leave me alone, then I have to deal with the cold and bleak knowledge that she'll never contact me again, but at least she'll have the freedom to pursue her new relationships guilt-free. At least one person will come out happy."

But doing this is just a mild form of self-destructive behavior. A time will come when you regret doing this, and at that point your only options will be to lick your wounds and wonder what might have been, or contact her again and risk facing her anger or just ending up right back in the friend zone.

In a nutshell, keep putting the ball back in her court. Because who knows? She might end up doing something with the ball that you haven't even imagined.


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## jaykay007 (Sep 7, 2010)

I really appreciate the advice for all of you. 

And Intrigid, thank you very much for your kind words. Well, I guess life is just too short to mope about these things, rather choose to learn from it. I think my problem was perhaps that I gave too much from the beginning, and not leaving some mystery and being straight forward from the get go when I realised I feel the way I feel. What can I say, I know now!


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Hard to believe you'd end up in such crappy dynamics after going through a divorce. You should've seen it coming from miles away. 

You showed your vulnerable side to someone you shouldn't have. 

And word of advise: don't ever pretend to want to be friends with a female. It just can't happen. We're men. Getting into their pants is the first and foremost thing on our mind no matter how we want to twist reality. Some people are ashamed to admit this. I don't know why? It's nature playing its normal role. Guys basically want to f-u-c-k every woman they might even remotely have a chance with. That's how it is with our species.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

She screams cake eater to me. Don't communicate with her anymore unless she has a change of heart.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

I just realized I didn't answer your question. I think she wants to get a response out of you and that's why she is constantly texting you saying the same things over and over. She wants you to play into it and say how much of great catch you are and that she's making the wrong choice type of thing. 

Like I mentioned before, move on.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

I think she is probably looking at you as a good '_*backup plan*_'. It is difficult to imagine that she had no clue inspite of valentine's day gifts etc. Really, it is not that difficult to understand these things. 

I have a best friend who is a girl however I have never had this kind of contact even when I was single. I did however have this level of contact with my husband when we were dating. So I think the level of contact you had was more than what 'best friends' have. However she didn't admit to having those kind of feelings.. therefore makes me think you were probably her 'backup plan'. She probably wants to still keep in touch with you for the same reason as well. 

In any case, I think what you are doing is right. Save yourself from the heartache and stay away. Look for someone who can be your friend as well as something more.. Till you get this lady out of your mind it will be difficult to look for someone who would see you as a friend+more. So I would advice you to move on as well. Goodluck!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

JK007----You know its really sad----IMHO---you are the really NICE GUY, the guy that the girl confides in, and wants to be friends with, but never beyond that----your heart is aching, you are in love, and she doesn't even know it----what does she do---she falls for the PUA, the BADBOY, the guy with the line-------how many really, truly nice guys, and girls out there, just get their hearts stomped on-----it is hard to read some of these situations, cuz it is so sad.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

1) There is no "Friend zone" (please dont make me explain why) 

2) If a female is interested ever (than there exists potential either in present or the future) 

3) If she ever liked you and was physically attracted to you and had an emotional attraction, than you have a chance with her. It would be best to remain friends with her if you wish it to potentially happen in the future, and for the meantime drop your interest in her somehow. And find other women it will get better and easier to move on and she could just remain your friend.

4) Her constant contacting you and wishing to have you in her life to me signifies that she is more interested than she led on. However there existed or exists conflicting interests and she cannot make her mind (which is a problem in a way) to throw it all aside and choose you. 

5) At the same time her cutting you from her FB contact is very odd and she is expressing guilt in doing that. 


I do no not know what to tell you. Some Women are very smart and good when it comes to reading people and if they like you and you show it to them they will not make it a big deal (as some do) and will go along for the ride. 

Best of luck


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

synthetic said:


> Hard to believe you'd end up in such crappy dynamics after going through a divorce. You should've seen it coming from miles away.
> 
> You showed your vulnerable side to someone you shouldn't have.
> 
> And word of advise: don't ever pretend to want to be friends with a female. It just can't happen. We're men. Getting into their pants is the first and foremost thing on our mind no matter how we want to twist reality. Some people are ashamed to admit this. I don't know why? It's nature playing its normal role. Guys basically want to f-u-c-k every woman they might even remotely have a chance with. That's how it is with our species.


:scratchhead:

Its possible to have a purely platonic relationship with females unless you are naive. With that said id say we seek our own interests obviously but at the same time so do females when making male friends. In very close friendships between opposite sex both sides have a physical attraction to one another typically. Is it any wonder that so many people begin dating after having been friends?

The amount of times i dated friends of mine in the past and the amount of times i have seen people who were friends, date or hook up or end up marrying is ridiculous. Also if you were solely interested in getting in girls pants it would be best to just hit up strip clubs, bars, clubs, and escort services 24/7. But at the same time friendships with girls you like can work to your advantage (if you care for more than sex) you can move on past a girl by meeting other girls, and than find out later that girl you used to like may come around to you again or come to you first time. It can work to your advantage 

for me however i no longer have female friends i had 1 but she seemed to have different views. I had to end it recently cause it could threaten my marriage.



Love Song said:


> I just realized I didn't answer your question. I think she wants to get a response out of you and that's why she is constantly texting you saying the same things over and over. She wants you to play into it and say how much of great catch you are and that she's making the wrong choice type of thing.
> 
> Like I mentioned before, move on.


Yes id advice him to move on UNLESS

She truly liked him and had feelings for him before and was willing to make something happen but he did not step up. In that case more than likely she would be willing to start something. But if this is simply he likes her and she has never returned any feelings to him than its best he moves on. Than again she may want him to profess his love again in order for her to justify falling for him and leaving the other guy.


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## jaykay007 (Sep 7, 2010)

WOW, so many things starting to make sense. I am a bloody "nice guy", yes, I googled it! I treat woman with respect and perhaps with too much of it and if I am interested in someone I give way my genitals, place her on that pedestal and I can imagine it will get boring, gets to predictable, same pattern and trying to buy love and affection. You know, three of my friend told me not to long ago, “Dude, you are giving way too much”. I can understand that statement now more clearly than ever. I can see how the dynamic of my failed marriage came to light. But that said, I am also a dude who loves to live in the danger zone. An Adrenaline junky, high speed superbikes, taking chances with death on my doorstep because that’s the only way I know to push my limits. Putting what I love here, second!

I can be bad-ass if that’s what woman seeks. But I will not be my true self then, so who will I be lying to? You know what; this girl will blow over like the ones before. I was the one that broke up with my last girlfriend because she was perhaps giving me too much and not enough space. So, my interest blew out of the window, which lasted only 2 months so I have no regret and I am sure she will be okay. I see a two way street here. 

Maybe, my recent so called “best friend” was just not meant to be.


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## Going Mental (Apr 8, 2012)

Hey jaykay007, you riding motorbikes is enough to put you in the bad-ass category....don't sell yourself short!! Never fails to amaze me how many really nice gentlemen ride motorbikes. You just need to look beneath the leathers & helmet at the person 

Sounds like to me her re-contacting you is her hedging her bets (back up plan whatever). I'm wondering if play hard or not at all might be the the only 2 options.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

I read a website one times about couples that where friends that had gotten married and how they were worried about ruining their friendship,so I saw NOW send her a text telling her you miss her, love her and want her in your life no matter what the outcome is,you just want her and if she writes back she is ALL IN then she wants the same and if not you know its over. You have nothing to lose.

If she does write back get a plane ticket get there and get a room lock the door and don't come out for a long time.


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