# Wife texting, sending naughty pics to ex co-worker 2 hours away.



## PHRoG (Aug 20, 2011)

...not quite sure how I should handle this?

Bit of backstory here. This is a guy she almost had an affair with when we lived in another city about 2 hours away about 3 years ago. It was during the worst parts of our marriage, we sought counseling, which worked wonders for us. We moved away to where we are now shortly after.

I haven't heard/seen a peep from this guy for nearly 3 years...but about 2 months ago he initiated contact with her again. I have yet to say anything about it as I wanted to see what she would do as we have been having difficulties again.

I know she hasn't seen him and judging by the texts, he does all the initiating (texts first and begs for pics). At first she played coy, refusing to send them...but just a few weeks ago he was begging again and she took a pic of her breast, under her shirt while at work and sent it to him.

Since then, he had not contacted her again until yesterday...again, begging for pics. Now, in her defense, she REALLY doesn't seem all that interested in him...her replies to his lengthly texts are often one worded or otherwise very short. It seems like she sent it to get him to stop begging. I could be wrong though.

I'm not the type to lose my temper, hence why I've just been monitoring the situation...but now I'm not sure what to do.

1. Block his number through the cell provider for all calls, pics, text.
2. Confront her with the evidence.
3. Confront him.
4. Continue monitoring the situation.
5. ????

We have been together 11 years, married 5 of those this Oct. with 2 wonderful kids.

We currently are under a great deal of both financial and family stress...however we are working through the financial issues and should have those resolved in the next 60 days. 

Also, I have had to move my parents in recently due to health reasons and being unable to care for themselves. Step-father is bipolar and they definitely butt heads at times.

I feel the need to gain control of the situation.

Advice?

Peace,
Chris


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Nothing personal in this comment dude, but your wife sending a picture of her breasts isn't exactly the same as saying "Go away". 

If she wanted him to go away, she would probably have texted something like "go away". 

If I had a girl who I was truly irritated by I wouldn't send her a picture of my penis. 

Time for a No Contact letter/e-mail if she is truly serious about your marriage.


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## PHRoG (Aug 20, 2011)

Hey Soccerfan73,

I do get that she is willingly participating. 

However, I know her mannerisms and that's the "vibe" I get from her responses to him. She isn't chatty, asking questions, flirting, etc, etc. It's mostly one word responses like, ya, lol, smiley face, etc, etc.

Example:

Him: Hey there! Sitting here drinking a beer, how is your Friday?
Her: Ok
Him: So when are you going to spice up my phone?
Her: LOL
Him: Comon, I'm just sitting here having a beer on my day off. I need something pretty to look at.
Her: 
Him: Pleeeeease.
Her: Can't, at work.

All the conversations are just about that short. No phone calls to the guy at all. Just these short little text conversations every other week or so. 

However, she did ultimately send that pic to him...sooo. =\


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Since you are a man who is able to control his temper here is a suggestion. Use a quiet moment, like at night after the kids are asleep and the two of you are in bed, and *calmly, quietly and respectfully* inform her that you KNOW the the OM (other man) has initiated contact with her and he is trying to seduce her. Ask her how would she feel if the roles were reversed and - as Soccerfan73 said - you were sending pics of your penis to an OW (other woman)? and shut up to give her the time to reflect on your words. If she cares she will acknowledge that her behavior is a betrayal of your trust in her and will take the necessary steps to block him from contacting her. If not and she still continues with it, then you have some serious thinking to do as to whether you want to be part of a one sided open marriage or divorce her to move on with your life without her.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

She needs to be confronted - calmly. Who cares if you don't want her to know she's been monitored. If she 'almost' had an affair with him three years ago, then she knows you have every reason to be concerned if anything unusual started happening in your relationship, from then on. Glad counseling did you some good (my wife would never consider it), but I'm guessing some of the terms you two came to in counseling involved a ton of open transparency on her end, and if she's begun violating that again, it's time to smack it down now.

If I had noticed the emails/texts that were starting to erode my marriage a couple months ago, I may have been able to stop what ended up in me having papers drawn up in the last week.

Quash it NOW. No more texts, no more emails, and get back into counseling, because she has slid back to a dangerous place. Ask her to call him in front of you and tell him to never contact her again in any way shape or form, and that she would be doing the same. "Sorry, but my marriage is more important." Then get her a new phone number and install spyware on it immediately...anything inappropriate, or a peep from him, you smack it down one more time. After that, I'd threaten to walk...I know you have kids and may not want to go there. But at least you'll know where you stand with her, and she with you. Just giving you my outside perspective.

My wife was receiving inapporopriate emails and plenty of texts (of which I don't know the content). The fact she didn't reply with "WTF are you sending me this crap for?", and saved the email is enough to knock her out of favor in the trust department. We all know texting/chatting is fun and kind of addictive, but it can so easily go sexual, given enough time and enough frequency of texting, the innuendo creeps in because it's just texting and no big deal. Because it's "harmless". Until she starts getting more excited thinking about that than she does thinking about you. Sending explicit pics of herself to another guy would've been a dealbreaker for me, at the very least as far as trusting her in any way. If a woman truly respects you, she wouldn't give any part of herself to someone else that would hurt you. It wouldn't even cross her mind to do. She still likes this guy, enough to disrespect you by giving some a****** something to be excited about, that she should only be giving to you. Baiting him in just as must as he's doing to her.

Tread heavily. Now. No more monitoring, just action. If she freaks, you know her answer. Sorry to be so blunt, but I'm feeling exactly as you are right now, and have been lied to enough in the past weeks to know I don't have my wife's respect or attention anymore, even though I've confronted her and been as direct as I can in telling her what is unacceptable, and what that would mean. She was able to hide it for too long for me to step in before she made it real.

Good luck, sorry you're in this mess...


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Shamwow hit it on the head. This is not the time for monitoring or a "gee honey maybe this isn't a good thing" type conversation. She sent some other dude a pic of her breast for God's sake. I don't care what the "vibe" is it is completely and totally unacceptable. BTW, based on what you cited above as an example, I read that as playing hard to get but STILL PLAYING!! You're more composed than I am - I'd have gone batsh!t crazy over that pic. Quash it now and quash it decisively.


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## PHRoG (Aug 20, 2011)

That's what I've been thinking. Based on the responses, I plan on having the conversation with her tonight.

I guess I was just thinking with the current stress in our relationship, causing more conflict was the last thing we needed. But, I agree that I can't just allow it to continue. That would be condoning it.

Should I request she text him stating that she no longer wants him to contact her and that her marriage is more important? 

According to the records, he's been the instigator. Maybe a clear/concise message from her would ward him off for good. 

Or, should I contact him and tell him to stay the hell away?

Thanks much for the advice/support!

Peace,
Chris


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You didn't exchange vows with the other guy. You and your wife cannot control the behavior of the other guy. She has to take ownership of her own actions, and change her behavior. She can block his number. She can ignore his messages. She can send a registered letter requesting no contact, and say that any other contact will result in a restraining order and/or harassment charges.

However... She has to want to stop this. And that doesn't seem that she either understands the problem, or she doesn't want him to stop contacting her. Only she knows the answer to that. Marriage counseling to explore her feelings might be in order. Be prepared for painful things to come out, though.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

So how do you know about the texts anyway?

Also if you guys are having a tough time, now was a terrible time to take your parents in.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Has the current stress in your mge., coincided with the sudden re-appearance of her EA partner????

Why don't you send him the following letter, basically stating, that he has caused your mge., problems in the past, and he is now attempting to wreck the mge. again---Tell him if he does not stop, you will sue him civilly for INTENTIONAL INFLICTION OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS---there are also 7 states where you can sue for ALIENATION OF AFFECTION, and CRIMINAL CONVERSATION---all states allow I I E D---send him a registered letter, that he is to stop contact immediately

You can actually pull the elements needed for such a law suit off the internet, and file the lawsuit yourself, you don't have to proceed with anything, but maybe if he is threatened in his wallet---he will get the picture, and leave you alone

You don't have to tell your wife anything about what you are doing., or just tell her you are cutting out a slow growing cancer, that keeps coming back.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

jnj express said:


> Has the current stress in your mge., coincided with the sudden re-appearance of her EA partner????
> 
> Why don't you send him the following letter, basically stating, that he has caused your mge., problems in the past, and he is now attempting to wreck the mge. again---Tell him if he does not stop, you will sue him civilly for INTENTIONAL INFLICTION OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS---there are also 7 states where you can sue for ALIENATION OF AFFECTION, and CRIMINAL CONVERSATION---all states allow I I E D---send him a registered letter, that he is to stop contact immediately
> 
> ...


But if you don't deal with the actual problem (the wife's behavior and reasons for it), you're just addressing the symptoms of the disease, not the actual disease itself.

Just MHO.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHRoG (Aug 20, 2011)

Several months ago her phone went off at 1:00AM when I was working. I work at home and often into the early morning. 

She was charging it using the charger on my desk and when I glanced at it, low and behold it was his name. 

So I investigated further (cross referenced records with his number) and this was the second text conversation he had with her.

Now, I'll check her text history every few days when I think about it (she still charges her phone on my desk). She has had 5 conversations at this point (latest one yesterday).

While I agree moving my parents in right now couldn't have happened at a worse time...it was completely unavoidable. 

Long story short, she worked a government job in a remote location and lived on location. Last year she got very ill and was forced to take a medical retirement. She had no savings and almost no retirement...once the retirement became final, she was no longer allowed to stay in her home as she was no longer a government employee. 

They had no savings to get a place and no where to go. So we allowed them to come here and move into my office (we set it up as a studio for them) until he (step-father) could get approved for SSD so they could afford their own place. We just received notice that he was approved, so they should have their own place by end of October.

Peace,
Chris


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I understand the obligation to take care of your parents. It is a hard fact of life however that this could very well be the thing that destroys your marriage.

To me my wife texting a great volume would concern because of establishing an emoitonal question and heaven forbid this might lead to her sending pics of herself. In your case she already has had that foreplay of emotional connection and in a weak moment sent the pic.
I think that one act would have caused me to intervene. Now this guy has no motivation to stop pursuing her. Frankly I would have confronted the guy before this and told him that any further contact was going to be hazardous to his continued well being. And then I would follow up on it. 

I would confront both of them. She must be NC. How easy this would have been if you intervened before she replied with the pic. The longer you wait the worse this gets. I mean each and every day you wait.

There is no doubt that with your parents living with you your marriage is falling apart. if this is a long term situation with your parents you will likely end up living with them without your wife. I am guessing you guys are not freely having a romance right now with each other. Your parents living with you is probably going to prevent that from happening. So your wife will seek her needs elsewhere.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Now this guy has no motivation to stop pursuing her. Frankly I would have confronted the guy before this and told him that any further contact was going to be hazardous to his continued well being. And then I would follow up on it.
> 
> I would confront both of them. She must be NC. How easy this would have been if you intervened before she replied with the pic. The longer you wait the worse this gets. I mean each and every day you wait.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

The OM believes that you don't know what he is doing and will continue trying to seduce your wife until she yields and has sex with him, unless you confront him. Is that what you want? If not then put a stop to it by contacting him NOW and telling him to f*ck off or you will make it your mission to turn his life into a living hell.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Morituri and Entropy are telling you exactly what you should do and NOT WAIT. The longer you wait the more likely it will become physical - it could be happening right now! CONFRONT BOTH!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Agree on the confront asap.


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## PHRoG (Aug 20, 2011)

He texted her not too long ago, we were doing some spring cleaning and her phone went off...was her txt ringtone. She furiously texted back, but she just went to a friends and left her phone here.

I sent him a text, from her phone. Something along the lines of, "I'm only going to tell you this once. Stay the hell away and stop contacting my wife. Period.".

I'll confront her about the texts after the kids goto bed this evening.

Thank you all very much for the support here. 

Peace,
Chris


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Make sure you stay calm and clear when you confront her. She will for sure label you as controlling, counter this by letting her know that you are not controlling and she can make her own choices, but if she can not respect you for protecting your marriage then she can make the choice to leave.

Let her know that you have boundries and they are not ment to control her but to protect you from more hurt. These are boundries that you want set to prevent you from getting hurt again and again and again. She has the choice to respect them and the marriage.


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## PHRoG (Aug 20, 2011)

Awesome advice there guy and you can bet I will. 

One quick question. On her phone, texts appear like an IM conversation. I did not delete my outgoing message and he has not responded at all. However, she may she it before the kids go to bed tonight.

If she did see it, I do not believe she would start anything until after the kids are in bed, but would get her thinking once she saw it.

Part of me wants her to see it (the man up part), another wants to keep control of the situation, delete the message and wait until tonight.

What would you do?

Peace,
Chris


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Leave it, do not hide from this, stand tall with the fact that your protecting your marriage. Deleting it will only take a little more respect away.
What you want is respect and when you calmly stand up to this BS and confront it head on she has no choice but to see a man that wants respect.

Keep in mind this is a marriage and there is no reason for privacy or secrets, and you are simply standing up for the marriage.

She will for sure try to complicate it with some denial, and blame shifting, stay on point "it is uneceptable and you will not tolorate it"


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## PHRoG (Aug 20, 2011)

That's what I was thinking...thanks again!

As part of the confrontation and the solution. 

Should I request she call him and explain that he is to no longer contact her, her marriage is more important than him and further contact will result in legal action?

I don't believe she has his physical address, so we can't do a no contact letter.

Peace,
Chris


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In addition, as she tries to minumize the texting, ackwoledge the fact that again you are protecting the marriage and as her husband you confronted him as nececary.

Good job by the way, OM is for sure back peddeling. 

What sucks is she will for sure contactact him apologizing for what you did. That must be addressed and let your W know that is also unexceptable, and if she choose to stay incontact with him then there will be consequences for both of them.
Consequences can include exposure to employer, family and friends if the contact continues. As this may seem controlling it is also your intent to make this thing as inconvient and as uncomfortable as possibly for it to continue.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Yes, she should not apologize for what you did but simply state her continued contact is effecting her marriage and her marriage is to important.
She will no long be responding to his text.

Short and simple and make sure you are witness to this text.


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## PHRoG (Aug 20, 2011)

Awesome, thank you again for the quick responses. I feel confident about tonight. 

Peace,
Chris


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

PHRoG said:


> Awesome advice there guy and you can bet I will.
> 
> One quick question. On her phone, texts appear like an IM conversation. I did not delete my outgoing message and he has not responded at all. However, she may she it before the kids go to bed tonight.
> 
> ...


Um, this is a guy that she almost had an affair with in the past. This time, she sent a picture of her breast. I aplogize if this seems uncaring, but you are still in the dazed mode where you are saying, "PLEASE dont send him a text. That is ... if its not too much trouble. I really don't want you to be labelling me as controlling, you know." Okay, I'm exxagerating, but it will likely continue to be an easy slide for her to get into affairs in the future if you cannot resond decisively and firmly. You don't have to be a jerk about it.

In these situations, I know that you want to show her that you respect and care, but the other guy is being alpha, which is probably the only reason she gets sucked in. Show her some alpha. Expect noncontact. Expect this to be her last ever chance to show you that she is committed to you. If you don't think that she is lucky to be with you, and act like she is lucky to be with you, she won't be as likely to either.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Good point H-
Additude is everything


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

PHRoG said:


> He texted her not too long ago, we were doing some spring cleaning and her phone went off...was her txt ringtone. She furiously texted back, but she just went to a friends and left her phone here.
> 
> I sent him a text, from her phone. Something along the lines of, "I'm only going to tell you this once. Stay the hell away and stop contacting my wife. Period.".
> 
> ...


Hmmm. She furiously texted back. And went to a "friends". Ok.

Do you actually know where she is now? Because maybe she left her phone home on purpose. 

*I would call the friend and ask for your wife and let her know she forgot her phone and that she needs to come on home because you have to talk with her right away.*


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Halien said:


> Um, this is a guy that she almost had an affair with in the past. This time, she sent a picture of her breast. I aplogize if this seems uncaring, but you are still in the dazed mode where you are saying, "PLEASE dont send him a text. That is ... if its not too much trouble. I really don't want you to be labelling me as controlling, you know." Okay, I'm exxagerating, but it will likely continue to be an easy slide for her to get into affairs in the future if you cannot resond decisively and firmly. You don't have to be a jerk about it.
> 
> In these situations, I know that you want to show her that you respect and care, but the other guy is being alpha, which is probably the only reason she gets sucked in. Show her some alpha. Expect noncontact. Expect this to be her last ever chance to show you that she is committed to you. If you don't think that she is lucky to be with you, and act like she is lucky to be with you, she won't be as likely to either.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Hmmm. She furiously texted back. And went to a "friends". Ok.
> 
> Do you actually know where she is now? Because maybe she left her phone home on purpose.
> 
> *I would call the friend and ask for your wife and let her know she forgot her phone and that she needs to come on home because you have to talk with her right away.*


:iagree:


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## PHRoG (Aug 20, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Hmmm. She furiously texted back. And went to a "friends". Ok.
> 
> Do you actually know where she is now? Because maybe she left her phone home on purpose.
> 
> *I would call the friend and ask for your wife and let her know she forgot her phone and that she needs to come on home because you have to talk with her right away.*


I'm 100% positive of where she is right now. My mom went with her (mutual friend)! LOL

No need to rush it...I'm calm and cool. 

Besides, as I previously mentioned, he's about 2-3 hours away and doesn't have a reliable vehicle. Also, due to the texts, I know he's out fishing today and I know where...absolutely no way he could be here!

Peace,
Chris


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thank god.
Right a plan down and work the plan, I'm sure there are things that you want to say, emotion will be high so no crying, its not attractive, and right now you want to be as attractive as possible when you confront.

No begging or cring additude is everything. In my case I treated my confrontation as a businees deal..indifferant if you will. No matter how my wife twisted things the point all ways remaind the same....no contact means no contact, and she could always choose to stay in contact with OM but my wife could also leave the maritial home. 
There was no arguement or dispute, there was only a choice of fact "him or me".


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

PHRoG said:


> I'm 100% positive of where she is right now. My mom went with her (mutual friend)! LOL
> 
> No need to rush it...I'm calm and cool.
> 
> ...


Ok. Cool! I guess you can trust your mom. 

I think you have your work cut out for you, but you are on your way. Getting started on the confrontation is not easy for a lot of folks. It is understandable. 

I wish you well and hope you can make your situation work. What your wife did was wrong. BUT, in the total scheme of things forgiveable. You are in a tough situation on multiple fronts. The answer is that you have to be the best man you can possibly be and balance it all out. If you can do this it is certainly worth the effort. Your family needs you to be that uber Alpha, I am in charge and I am compassionate and I will will lead us through this guy. 

Yes, I think an uber Alpha guy can be motivated through his compassion. So you need to figure out how you can get your relationship to the point where your wife would not be tempted to send a picture. She needs to be strong enough to tell you when a guy like that is stalking her. You have to deal with this together. 

You can do this.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

You did a good job with telling the OM to f off. Protect what is yours.


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## PHRoG (Aug 20, 2011)

Right...I couldn't agree more.

We've been together nearly 12 years now and had our fair share of drama filled arguments. I learned long ago to control my emotions during an argument (thanks to previous marriage counseling).

I too approach them in a business like manner. She'll be home soon, send those positive vibes.

Peace,
Chris


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

PHRoG said:


> Right...I couldn't agree more.
> 
> We've been together nearly 12 years now and had our fair share of drama filled arguments. *I learned long ago to control my emotions during an argumen*t (thanks to previous marriage counseling).
> 
> ...


Goodness.

This is your time. You've got this.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Take a minute to reread your thread before she comes home.
Get a good perspective on were you need to be and focus.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

My prayers and hope are with you my good man. Be firm.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Best of luck, PHRog, I think you're handling this well.
But just remember, him contacting her was sorta HER fitness test...

...and she failed miserably.


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## PHRoG (Aug 20, 2011)

Yeah, I've almost finished reading the fitness test thread and it definitely puts things into a new light. 

I didn't get to confront her last night though. Step-dad had multiple seizures and we had to call an ambulance, kids didn't get to bed on time and I fell asleep before she got back from the hospital.

We have some alone time this afternoon and I plan on doing so then.

I'll keep everyone updated!

Peace,
Chris


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## PHRoG (Aug 20, 2011)

Well, it's done. We went to a little lake not too far away to go for a walk. I just straight up asked her what the deal with the guy was. She acted innocent at first, but as soon as I let her know I knew about the pictures, she owned up to it 100%.

She did read my text to him yesterday and she said she has been worried about it. I asked her how it made her feel and she said that she felt I had every right to do what I did. She didn't want to text/call him "because it wasn't his fault". 

I explained he's a grown man (ex cop actually) and he KNOWS he's intruding on a marriage. Don't even feel bad for him. She agreed and texted him stating that her marriage is very important to her, do not contact her again and she will not respond to any attempts from him to do so. She also deleted him from her phone and asked me to block his number directly via our carrier.

We both agree that our marriage is very important to both of us and absolutely want to reconcile.

I do have a question though. Through reading the forums, I believe this place can be an fantastic resource for us to use while rebuilding things.

Do you think it would be a bad idea to have her join me here on TAM?

Peace,
Chris


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Not just yet, see how thing pan out and make sure you can validate her commitment. When things get better and the R is further along then have her join.

Give it time, you soon might need us again.

Just keep an eye out for a month or two, it is common for things to go deeper under ground.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

PHRoG said:


> Well, it's done. We went to a little lake not too far away to go for a walk. I just straight up asked her what the deal with the guy was. She acted innocent at first, but as soon as I let her know I knew about the pictures, she owned up to it 100%.
> 
> She did read my text to him yesterday and she said she has been worried about it. I asked her how it made her feel and she said that she felt I had every right to do what I did. She didn't want to text/call him "because it wasn't his fault".
> 
> ...


Later. Not now. It is too early. She has to go through withdrawal first. Your work starts now. Great job so far BTW.
I suggest you use TAM to help you get the relationship back on its feet. be aware WSs back slide. It is normal. So be vigilant and strong.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

That's great Phorg. Focus on R and talking. Strongly suggest MC. WOrk on what made her vulnerable to this.


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## nada (Aug 20, 2011)

morituri said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> The OM believes that you don't know what he is doing and will continue trying to seduce your wife until she yields and has sex with him, unless you confront him. Is that what you want? If not then put a stop to it by contacting him NOW and telling him to f*ck off or you will make it your mission to turn his life into a living hell.



Can he sue OM for sexal haressment, or is that just for TV? It could be bad for his W and OM as well as OMs employer. Just a thought?


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## nada (Aug 20, 2011)

PHRoG said:


> I explained he's a grown man (ex cop actually) and he KNOWS he's intruding on a marriage. Don't even feel bad for him. She agreed and texted him stating that her marriage is very important to her, do not contact her again and she will not respond to any attempts from him to do so. She also deleted him from her phone and asked me to block his number directly via our carrier.
> 
> We both agree that our marriage is very important to both of us and absolutely want to reconcile.
> 
> ...


If I am a bit cynical - do you REALLY trust her entirely? If I was OM, I would change tactics and perhaps lay low for a while, change phone number og communicate in other ways - email, FB or other ways. 
If I were in your situation, I would consider installing spysoftware on the computer (and cellphone) without her knowledge.

Rgds
Nada


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Don't ask her to join. If she sees the advice you've been given (keylogger, spyware, VAR, etc...), she can more effectively go underground. You will most likely be monitoring her electronic activities, and you want her where she can be seen.


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## PHRoG (Aug 20, 2011)

Yes...I do trust her. I don't believe we could work on the marriage if I didn't. 

That's one reason why I want to bring her here. Reading about intimacy and defining the interactions between us has helped me better understand our relationship. I'm hoping she can find the same value here...but I do agree I can see issues with asking her to come here.

To be completely honest, I really did not feel all that threatened by the OM. I feel there are quite a few reasons why I wasn't.

1. He's a ********* with absolutely zero class.
2. He's 3 hours away.
3. He has no transportation.
4. I own guns, he now knows this. 

Also...I asked her what she was thinking when she sent it. She knew it was wrong, so she had to have some line of reasoning to submit to his request. Her response, "I figured, what the hell, I'm never going to see him, so I threw him a "bone".".

As I said previously. I didn't get the "vibe" that he was a real threat...there was no hot and heavy texting, nothing to show any kind of sexual desire or intimacy at all that I could tell. All the dots connect, so I really have no reason to speculate otherwise. To me, it honestly felt like she felt sorry for him.

I believe it's other issues in our marriage that are causing most of the angst and this is nothing compared to them. From reading here, I see we are both making big mistakes in several ways. 

Here's a breakdown from my point of view.

1. Intimacy issues. She claims to not have (nor ever had) any fantasies and is having trouble seeing me in an attractive light.

2. I've had my own bouts with depression recently. Mostly due to not having control over my own life right now.

3. We're under extreme financial stress. Because I've had to turn away new work, I don't have funds coming in. I feel like I'm not doing my job in the family, which throws me into depression.

However, my lack of income is part of her request. We decided I would be a stay at home dad for the rest of the school year and then summer to save on daycare expenses. Then she got garnished which put us into the position of having just barely enough to NOT having enough. Left with little choice, we are now going through Chapter 7 BK.

4. The financial stress and depression restricts us from doing the fun things we enjoy (like no county fair for us this year). Which makes her see me as less of a man, etc, etc.

5. Lack of attention to me. It's nearly impossible for me to get any real amount of time with her alone. When we go to bed, the magic glowing box (as I call the TV) hypnotizes her.

If anything...I'm thinking maybe she was fitness testing me. She isn't one to leave her phone behind and she does know how to delete messages. So maybe in some way, she wanted me to stand up to the OM.

Oops, this is turning into a book...LOL!

Gotta get the kids motivated!

Peace,
Chris


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Throwing him a bone .... not good answer IMO. But it was better than idunno I suppose. My sending pictures of her private parts should not be "what the hell". It matters. I know you know this.

This same attitude is what has some folks on web cams having virtual sex with one another. What the hell ...

I say WTF!? That's cheating.


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## PHRoG (Aug 20, 2011)

Oh absolutely! I probably should have mentioned that I made it quite clear that it was NOT ok, even to just throw him a bone. 

It's not a good answer no...but I do believe it's a honest one.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Be careful you're not rug sweeping. You need to deal with this completely and totally now. The two of you need to talk about it, rehash it, and crawl all the way through it as many times as it takes until you're both totally at peace with it. Even if it didn't get to a full blown EA this time it still takes a lot of work to process something like this. 

I wouldn't drop my guard yet either. Affairs are hard to kill, whatever need she was starting to fill by sending that pic will creep back into her mind again sooner or later. You need to inspect what you expect for a while. You can help control this by communicating and working through her issues together. That way the two of you can identify those needs and address how she can get them met inside the marriage.

I also wouldn't show her this site yet either, maybe in the future, but you need it to be just yours right now. There is benefit in it - my wife is here (full disclosure - I'm the wayward) and she has said it's really helped her to understand how I've progressed by reading my post.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Imo I think you nipped it in the bud before this guy put enough pressure to meet her. Face it he had enough game to convince her to send a pic. It was a matter of time before it went to the next level.

I think its really healthy to acknowledge some of the problems in the marriage and working on them. Right now affair prevention is everything.

Again you still need to keep an eye out, this is very addictive behavior, its like a drug, it will be hard for her not to do this in the near or far future.

Thats way I suggest you wait before she signs up, just give it a few and see how she adjust to the marriage repairs.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

PHRoG said:


> 1. He's a ********* with absolutely zero class.
> 2. He's 3 hours away.
> 3. He has no transportation.
> 4. I own guns, he now knows this.


Sorry but you have the wrong attitude! It is one of naivety. Doesn’t matter if he has no class ….. to you. Doesn’t matter if he’s 3 hours away ….. to her. Doesn’t matter he has no transport …. to anyone!

Gave him a bone. That’s because she’s training him!!! 

Your #4 is just pure bravado. That’s all it is.


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## PHRoG (Aug 20, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Sorry but you have the wrong attitude! It is one of naivety. Doesn’t matter if he has no class ….. to you. Doesn’t matter if he’s 3 hours away ….. to her. Doesn’t matter he has no transport …. to anyone!
> 
> Gave him a bone. That’s because she’s training him!!!
> 
> Your #4 is just pure bravado. That’s all it is.


AFEH,

Yeah...I was being a bit ****y. Makes me feel a bit better I guess. I can't deny that I don't fantasize about causing him pain...emotional or physical. Nothing wrong with that. 

That aside...I just do not see him as a, or the real threat to our marriage.

I don't say this as a means to sweep the situation under the rug. I'm still wary and I'll still pay very close attention to things. 

However, I'm responsible for all things technical in the home. I run my own IT business and there isn't anything she could hide on our network, I can monitor all traffic. 

The OM doesn't own a computer, or have online access. He isn't on her Facebook. I think 'the guy' hit the nail on the head about nipping the OM situation in the bud quite early. It only became a possibility due to other issues in our marriage.

I'd rather focus my attention on the other areas lacking in our relationship than dwell on the EA with the OM.

Peace,
Chris


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Tell ya what-send him a picture of your junk! That oughta stop him!


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## PHRoG (Aug 20, 2011)

F-102 said:


> Tell ya what-send him a picture of your junk! That oughta stop him!


I can't say I didn't consider something along those lines. We had absolutely FANTASTIC makeup sex that evening. I wanted to take a pic of her afterwards, completely spent and absolutely glowing...then send it to him. 

Peace,
Chris


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Forget him, don't waste the mental time. Don't let him control your life and thoughts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nada (Aug 20, 2011)

PHRoG said:


> I can't say I didn't consider something along those lines. We had absolutely FANTASTIC makeup sex that evening. I wanted to take a pic of her afterwards, completely spent and absolutely glowing...then send it to him.
> 
> Peace,
> Chris


Why not take a pic of you and send to him:smthumbup::rofl:

Makeups sex is usually better than the one before makeup.

Good luck man
Nada


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