# confused in my marriage plz help



## FantasyLand (Nov 5, 2009)

I'm satisfied most of the time. I'm used to my life and the way things are but I struggle with happiness in my relationship. I have a boing life... That about sums me up. My situation: I feel like my husband uses me for his benefit and that's all I'm good for. He spends his free time with me. Which is usually while he waits on his buddy to play COD. He texts me and says loving things and spoils me with things when he messes up. Then after I forgive him things go back to normal. 

He says "get me..." and I get it, he returns the favors when I ask just only in his time. Whereas I get up almost immediately and do it. He thinks his buddy is hilarious. "Everything that comes out of his mouth is funny". Ugh yeah ok...he might make me chuckle a bit every now and again. I joke and it's never funny I'm left hanging. I've got to the point I give him a dissatisfied look turn and walk away. He might reply something I just ignore, too late. 

He won't carry long convos with me. Though he steals my topics and phrases and discusses with his friends or family. Even in front of me. I'll be like did u hear blah blah .... He say that's messed up, then get on xbox and tell him all about it and go into opinions or have a laugh about it whatever. 

I like to drink sometimes. He gives me dirty looks when I do. Yet he's a drinker. He's a casual drinker at home with me. Goes to the neighbors and gets wasted forgets about his
Family and stays gone for who knows how long. One time I had to go hunt him down the next morning. I like to drink and have a good time but he won't with me. Another time he was going to be gone a minute (mans time). I knew it'd be about an hour. Well 6 hours later I go to the neighbors hollering at him like an idiot. No I was not nice. 

Sex is no more. He a porn addict (ask him he don't look at it anymore ?) I want it but when it happens I don't enjoy it. I've been rejected to many times. He says I need to be sexy in my head. Well when I am he doesn't care. I've rubbed on his crotch with my behind to get his attention at the computer desk. Nope rejected. I've waited for him and played and told him he better hurry. Nope rejected. Yet I'm supposed to be sexy and or willing when he is ready. 

He can talk about his problems and anxiety for days, however long it lasts. Asks me the same questions about it over and over. I'm supposed to answer them like its the first time he asked. He repeats the question or waits til I answer. Yet my problems, I talk while he goes about his business and rarely gives his advice. And relationship topic area no go. Apparently if we discuss it it is called an argument not a discussion. No matter the tone. 

I know I'm far from perfect. Sometimes my mouth just won't stop and at times I'm lazy and a bit negative. But I think I do him right. His only responsibility is to work and take care of vehicles. He's good at going to work. I wait on him. He asks, I do. Has outings with friends and hobbies. I don't nag him to do things (don't ask him though) if I did more things would be fixed around the house. 

I've been a housewife for 10 years and I'm scared to death. I have 2 kids. I've been with him half my life. My Only partner. Do I stay? He does love me and I him, he's not all bad but his faults are affecting my life and happiness. Marriages have ups and downs, maybe this is just a down. Do I go? What if it's the wrong choice what if I miss him terribly and he moves on. What if I can't support myself and kids. 

I'm scared to get a job. I don't know why. I loved my jobs in the past. I know I need it, for many different reasons. But I can't make that step. Maybe that would help the relationship also. 
I just need someone to talk to and advice from people who've been there. Thanks for any help!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What you describe is a very typical problem in marriage... sadly.

You need to find a job. It's hard but go out there and get one. You have no power in your relationship. He figures that all he needs to do is to support you and he's done his job. So start supporting yourself more.

There are different ways to approach this. Since you are the one who is here, you are going to be the one who is going to have to do the work to initiate the changes in your marriage.

Here is a book that I think would help you to start with. Try what the book says to do for a period of time... say 2-3 months. It does work in many cases.

The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands: Laura Schlessinger

After you read that book, read the following books.

"His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters"

After you have done the things suggested in the "Care & Feeing" book, then ask your husband to read the Love Buster's books and work on what it says to do with you. Once the two of you have eliminated your love busters, then ask him to read the HN/HN book with you and work on that.

If he does not respond to all of that you are doing to have to destabilize your marriage. That means to tell him that either he reads the books and works on the, and goes to MC with you, or you are leaving him .

here is an article and a thread for you to read. I think you might learn something from these.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/253361-why-women-leave-men-they-love.html


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ele nailed it. Until you become independent enough to leave, I'm afraid he won't notice. Sorry us men are such brick heads sometimes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FantasyLand,

If you want help with your issues, you need to post here and respond to those how are replying to you. Otherwise we assume that the person (you) has just posted and left, never to read what we are saying. Be involved in your thread and keep it going.


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## FantasyLand (Nov 5, 2009)

Thanks for the replies. I will look into the books and try to order soon. I read
The article the first few paragraphs teared me up. Exactly how I feel. The last part got me though. I don't want five minutes. I need more. I've had the five minutes and it's not progressed past that. 

I've told him bluntly what I need and want and he either doesn't do them or does it for a while. He told a friend in a relationship struggle "you told her you don't like it when she does that. She continues to do it so you can either say nothing and live with it or accept she doesn't care about how u feel about it and let her go." I think about this often. That's exactly what I do. I accept the things he does. Keeping doing for him the things I hate while I get little back in return. He is well aware of my feelings and continues on with his ways. 

I don't know how to change it. I guess you're right a job would give me more independence. I know that is what I need also. If I could just get up the courage.


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## FantasyLand (Nov 5, 2009)

Aaaa. I just seen the thread replies. I can see his side in this to. I just read a little of the first reply and it made me think of myself and husband. Interesting. Also sounded like my last post. Just wanted to share I'm reading the thread now.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

There will come a point where being without him is better and you will get that job just to escape. I suggest creating a social circle that can help you get your foot in the door.

If you want real change, you will need the courage to leave him. Usually loss is a great catalyst.


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## FantasyLand (Nov 5, 2009)

Maybe I shouldn't have read that thread lol. Some interesting points though. Thanks for your reply Mr. Fisty. Sometimes I feel like I am at that point. I don't want to though. 

I'm going to order the first book tonight and hopefully it will give me a little direction. I think my husband would be willing to try the books with me also. Thanks for all your help! I'll let you all know how it goes.


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## FantasyLand (Nov 5, 2009)

Well as a sit here and reread the article I debate whether to send it to him. As I read I realized that I also have not gave him my five minutes. I've become resentful and not only not offered mine but rejected his many times as well. 
As I debated to send the article I decided to wait until I get my books (ordered all 3). I haven't offered him his unresentful time. So I'm going to try and rethink and take advice from the books, do the steps and hopefully he won't feel as defensive when I approach him for change. He has listened to Dr. Laura in the past (on his on accord!) so I think this may be something he would accept. 

I like writing out my thoughts as I figure this thing out. If my double and triple postings is unacceptable please let me know...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think you need to read *The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands *before mention it to him.

Then decide if these are ideas/thoughts that are better kept to your self.

The other two books are definitely something that you both have to read and work on.


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## Lalaland (Mar 11, 2015)

Hello, 
If I know one thing well that is that life is too short to be unhappy! I have been in school full time to get my BA for 4 years while my husband has worked and supported the family. I didn't work and felt unappreciated and unsupported in the meanwhile. Like my only being was to wait on him and our children when I was done with all of my homework and studies. One thing that men forget after some time is your worth. You should get a job so that your every thought and breath isn't all about him and the children. You will create new relationships with co-workers and have something to do with your time other than just being a house wife. Even if you dont get a job it's very important that you have your own life. Find something to do in the community. I have opted to skate every Tuesday Night in my community where I have made new friends and have other connections with people. Some of them I have made bonds with and we often speak on the phone or go to lunch. It's a big world out there so be happy! Don't let life pass you by! If your husband loves you he will come around. If he doesn't you will grow further and further apart. Whats meant to be will be!!!


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