# Husband thinks I am a Wh0r



## Jellybeanz (Sep 1, 2011)

I'm going to keep this short because i just need help on what to do to make this better.

I have never cheated on my husband, EVER. not even kissing another guy. But I do get attention from men. there have been a few situations that were innocent but i shouldnt have been where i was. again, keeping this short so please dont jump all over the events, i need help on what to do to connect with my husband.

1. we were dating and i had broken up with my now husband. 2 days later i had way too much to drink. went back to a guy's house that i grew up with, he pulled my dress up, i kept telling him no, even tried to leave, and he turned me on my stomach and did it from behind, and pulled out before he finished. I was crying and telling him no, but i was too messed up and not physically able to stop him and get him off of me. I told my now husband about it when i saw him a couple days later, because i couldnt get back with him without telling him about it, because i didnt want to keep that a secret from him, and i felt guilty for even being at the guys house. 

2. a couple years later, we got married, then we had a kid. Eight years ago, i went out to a club with friends, we all went back to an afterparty. i went in to look at a guys guitar collection. we were talking, i laid down on the bed, we were talking, all about my husband, and how things were different and i didnt feel connected with him, and wishing i could get that back. absolutely nothing happened, no kissing, no touching, nothing. but i still shouldnt have been in that room with him. I went home and talked to my husband that night, told him what happened, and how i was feeling, and that we needed to work on our connection. This was EIGHT years ago!!

3. I lost alot of weight over the last 2 years, and i started going to the bar with my girlfriend almost every weekend. I LOVE to dance, he knows that. and of course im getting attention from guys, and im dancing with them. fast dancing, no touching, no going home with anyone, nothing!!! when i come home my friend and i are usually drunk, and we tell him what a great time we had, and he knows i dance, and he knows im not going to cheat on him, and he has said he's secure in our relationship and trusts me and knows it's just dancing and im not touching and when i go out i come home and tell him everything. a couple of months ago, I got my arm grabbed at the bar because i wouldnt dance with someone, and that was it. i ended up talking with my husband. I talked to him, not him trying to talk to me, and i told him that i was so sorry for going out so much, and it wasnt right what i did to him going out dancing all the time, and if it were reversed i wouldnt put up with him coming home telling me he was only dancing and not touching girls, so i shouldnt be putting him through that. I told him it meant alot to me that he knows i love to dance, and he still lets me go because he trusts me so much, and knows that i wont do anything wrong and i would never step outside of our vows. I realized that I wasnt repecting him, even though he is fine with me going out and having fun, it doesnt make it right. I also told him that i am going out because i hear the words from those guys that i need to hear from him. i hear how beautiful i am, the attention and "affection" from them. i dont let them touch, but in my head i'm playing this game that they really do care, and it's my husband saying these things to me. and i enjoy it because i know that nothing is going to happen because i wont let it. But i need him to do these things for me, it's not right to get the attention from others, I need it from him, I WANT it from him. He is the one i want...

So i have been out dancing twice since i came to this realization and admitted these things to the husband, to celebrate things that have happened for friends, but i havent danced with the guys, i spent longer at the house having a few drinks with the husband before we went out, and came home earlier. 

a couple of days ago: I had been complaining for two days was hurting, hot water bottle, tylenol, everything to help the pain and nothing was working. the third night he had to go somewhere to pick something up at a friends house and he didnt rush home, he wasnt gone for an overly long time either though. i sent him a message saying i was in pain, he read it and didnt respond. i sent him a sarcastic txt a little while later sayiing thanks for coming home to help me feel better...goodnight, he replies goodnight. i sent him a message a while later saying i was upset with him, and to sleep on the couch. he comes home about 2 hours later, and wakes me up to start telling me off. tells me he was busy, and dont to even think i am going out anymore, and he doesnt go anywhere, and how i go to the bars and let guys hit on me, and let guys stick their D*&K in me, or lay on the bed with them, Im a bad mom, im a terrible wife, im a WH0R etc... i work 2 jobs, he hadnt worked in over 2 years. when i got my new job, he got mad at me and told me that not everyone has jobs fall in their lap, i worked HARD to get my new full time job in the position i'm in, he didnt congratulate me, instead i couldnt even talk about it, and spent two days on eggshells when i negotiated a spectacular deal. i had already admitted to him that goign out to the bar even though i wasnt touching anyone was wrong. I know it was wrong. Im the one who sat him down to appologize already. so he took the time to actually think about the most hurtful things he could say to me, all because i wanted him home to be with me. i've dont alot for him, i didnt go into the amount of things that i've done for him, because i need advise on how to deal with the way he obviously feels about me for things that have happend over 8 years ago... i dont know what to do. i'm so hurt. everytime we have a tiny agrument he throws dirt in my face, says the most hateful things. I never bring up the past, he's not perfect either, and i've helped him out of alot of situations, and there's been a few situations with him contacting ex girlfriends too, but i NEVER bring it up because it's the past... how do we move forward?


----------



## Jellybeanz (Sep 1, 2011)

*Re: Husband thinks I am a ******

wow, that wasnt short... but i wanted to be open and honest about the situations that i put myself in that he was talking about... he had the right to be upset about them, but 8 years later????


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

*Re: Husband thinks I am a ******

Two parts to your thread.

1. You are playing with fire going to bars, drinking to drunkenness and dancing with strange men. This is not about the love of "the dance". It's about sexual excitement. What husband likes that in his wife? Not me.

2. Your husband's lack of a job. So if the emasculation of you going out to get excited with other men (even if you don't have sex), he can't even provide for you economically either.

Unresolved resentments always get brought up no matter how long they have festered.

Do you really need to go boozing and dancing?

I doubt it.


----------



## Jellybeanz (Sep 1, 2011)

I agree, I dont need to, and I shouldnt need to, and it wasnt about dancing anymore. That's why I approached him and talked to him about it a couple of months ago, because it was something that I did wrong, and he did nothing wrong, and he shouldnt have had to put up with it, and i realized i was on a dangerous path. I just need to know what to do now, how to fix it. I've stopped going out, i know it was wrong... but over 2 months later to say all of these things to me came out of nowhere because i've changed so much in the last 2 months, and i dont know what to do. if i were still going out i would at least have something to change...


----------



## freshstart (Sep 1, 2011)

I agree with michzz and I am a female. I just posted this saying on my facebook page today and it seems to apply to you: Sometimes, finding the love of your life, means changing the life you loved. Also, do you guys have a personal relationship with God? I am not judging but it sounds like you are living a lost life....the only way I know is because I was where you are in my past - partying, the men, the life...and it only leads to destruction. I do applaud you for seeking advice for your marriage. I think you should stop going out without your husband and start incorporating the things you like with the things he likes. Pray that he can move on from the past that you have and that you are patient when he is busy doing things without you. I hope this helps for you.


----------



## Jellybeanz (Sep 1, 2011)

the problem is, he was out of work, he stopped paying attention to me, i lost alot of weight, met a new friend, we started going out, i enjoyed the attention, he acted like he didnt care that i was going out, and we started this big spiral. we dont really argue, but that's because we just kind of do what we want. based on both answers, i can see he didnt say anything to me about going out because he was embarrassed and feeling bad about not being able to look after us in his eyes. so i couldnt reassure him that i love him and support him in going to school, and in return i felt like he didnt give a crap about me, and started to pull away as well.. then we would have sex, quite a bit, but it was only sex, no attachment..and i resented him for that... 

about my relationship with him. when i met him i was partying all the time, and he went to church every sunday i did eventually stop partying so much, not completely, and we had a family, and then just the last year i started going out again.. i didnt post this to be told that I'm wrong or that he's wrong for saying what he did. i know i'm wrong, there's no question, he's partly to blame as well for things i havent posted, but I most certainly created the majority of this mess because i decided to go out and look for attention elsewhere.. i'm ready to leave because of this. Because i dont want him feeling this way about me, and i dont want to hurt him anymore.. he deserves better than me going out and enjoying attention from other guys. and i cant be here knowing that my husband views me as a ***** and hates me either.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Jellybeanz said:


> the problem is, he was out of work, he stopped paying attention to me, i lost alot of weight, met a new friend, we started going out, i enjoyed the attention, he acted like he didnt care that i was going out, and we started this big spiral. we dont really argue, but that's because we just kind of do what we want. based on both answers, i can see he didnt say anything to me about going out because he was embarrassed and feeling bad about not being able to look after us in his eyes. so i couldnt reassure him that i love him and support him in going to school, and in return i felt like he didnt give a crap about me, and started to pull away as well.. then we would have sex, quite a bit, but it was only sex, no attachment..and i resented him for that...
> 
> about my relationship with him. when i met him i was partying all the time, and he went to church every sunday i did eventually stop partying so much, not completely, and we had a family, and then just the last year i started going out again.. i didnt post this to be told that I'm wrong or that he's wrong for saying what he did. i know i'm wrong, there's no question, he's partly to blame as well for things i havent posted, but I most certainly created the majority of this mess because i decided to go out and look for attention elsewhere.. i'm ready to leave because of this. Because i dont want him feeling this way about me, and i dont want to hurt him anymore.. he deserves better than me going out and enjoying attention from other guys. and i cant be here knowing that my husband views me as a ***** and hates me either.


Look, you can rationalize and justify all you want to. But basically you are zooming up on full-on cheating and likely a drinking problem if you stay in the way of thinking you have.

Two months are hardly proof of change, especially if your nose is out of joint about it.

I'm not defending any crappy behavior your husband has indulged in.

But your own is enough to destroy your best intentions.


----------



## Jellybeanz (Sep 1, 2011)

michzz you need to stop and read everything that is being said instead of skimming things and try to actually help me understand and do what i need to. i havent asked you to say that he's a bastard for whatever he has done, and im not rationalizing anything. i have already said, i talked to him and admitted that going out was wrong, and stopped because i was on a dangerous path. i am fully aware that i would probably have ended up cheating so i stopped going out!! so far you have alot of opinions but no advice which is what i need. what do i need to do other than not going out, because i have already stopped that two months ago WHEN I ADMITTED TO MY HUSBAND THAT IT WAS WRONG AND UNFAIR TO HIM!! my nose isnt out of joint about anything. this entire thread has been about help to know what else i need to do to make this right.
in the post you quote, i was commenting on my own **** up of misunderstanding what was happening over the last two years and where i went wrong. instead of seeing how he was feeling about being out of work, i got pissy about it and took it the wrong way that he didnt care, when it was the complete opposite, that he did care and was upset about not providing anymore. I'm not saying im ready to leave because of him, i'm ready to leave because of myself, because of what i've done to him, and how he feels because of me, because of what I was doing, and because of where i was headed.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Jellybeanz said:


> michzz you need to stop and read everything that is being said instead of skimming things and try to actually help me understand and do what i need to. i havent asked you to say that he's a bastard for whatever he has done, and im not rationalizing anything. i have already said, i talked to him and admitted that going out was wrong, and stopped because i was on a dangerous path. i am fully aware that i would probably have ended up cheating so i stopped going out!! so far you have alot of opinions but no advice which is what i need. what do i need to do other than not going out, because i have already stopped that two months ago WHEN I ADMITTED TO MY HUSBAND THAT IT WAS WRONG AND UNFAIR TO HIM!! my nose isnt out of joint about anything. this entire thread has been about help to know what else i need to do to make this right.


You know, I do not skim and just because you do not like what I have assessed based on many years of reading such postings as yours, doesn't invalidate my assessment.

I believe you to be both resentful of admitting it was wrong and unfair to him because you feel entitled to something more or other than what your husband offers to you. Justified or not.

My assessment includes seeing your annoyance loud and clear!

I call that having your nose out of joint.

Going forward you must replace the destructive behavior with healthy behavior -- both of you. The mere stopping of destructive behavior that you still want to do is hardly enough.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Stop going to clubs without him. And try to get him to see a counselor for these anger and resentment issues.


----------



## Jellybeanz (Sep 1, 2011)

the problem with your assessment is that you didnt offer anything that could be done going forward. you just keep stating what i've already stated. 

yes i feel intitled to more, i feel intitled to more affection, more of a connection, but it's a circle, and we need to break it. and the first step was me stopping going out to the bar, and instead staying home with my husband. I'm not resentful of admitting anything, he didnt call me on it, he didnt say anything to me about it, I came to the realization on my own, thank God before it went to far. I certainly am angry with myself for letting the situation get to this point. I'm angry that he didnt talk to me earlier instead of me being in the dark and coming to the stupid conculsions in my head about how i thought he was feeling, i'm angry with myself for not sitting him down earlier and asking him why he was acting like he was.. but i can't change it. i am perfectly aware that simply not going to the bar isnt going to make this right. and if you have so many years of seeing posts exactly like mine, i would think that you would have something more to offer than simply degrading and offering no advice on how to move forward. i came here to get advice from people that have been here, i am open to advice, i am not however open to just being degraded by someone who thinks that because they have been on this board for years they can assess a situation without giving help.


----------



## Jellybeanz (Sep 1, 2011)

F-102 said:


> Stop going to clubs without him. And try to get him to see a counselor for these anger and resentment issues.


thank you. i didnt know if asking to go to a counsellor with me to try to make it better would offend him further than i already have. I feel that i should see one even if he doesnt, because i obviously have self esteem issues or i wouldnt have done what i started to do...

I stopped going to clubs, but i dont think it's a good idea for me to go to clubs at all. I think I could easily end up with a drinking problem since I've lost all this weight. I have obvious self esteem issues or something going on, to go from food addiction to drinking so much...


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I suggest independent counseling before marriage counseling.


----------



## Jellybeanz (Sep 1, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I suggest independent counseling before marriage counseling.


thank you. I am going to call tomorrow to make an appointment for myself. I will ask him to go see someone too to talk about his issues. We aren't on the verge of a divorce or anything, we both value our family, but I hate that i made him feel the way i did because i was too stupid to see the big picture. i hate that we both misread silence for accepance and approval of how we were acting...


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Jellybeanz said:


> the problem with your assessment is that you didnt offer anything that could be done going forward. you just keep stating what i've already stated.
> 
> yes i feel intitled to more, i feel intitled to more affection, more of a connection, but it's a circle, and we need to break it. and the first step was me stopping going out to the bar, and instead staying home with my husband. I'm not resentful of admitting anything, he didnt call me on it, he didnt say anything to me about it, I came to the realization on my own, thank God before it went to far. I certainly am angry with myself for letting the situation get to this point. I'm angry that he didnt talk to me earlier instead of me being in the dark and coming to the stupid conculsions in my head about how i thought he was feeling, i'm angry with myself for not sitting him down earlier and asking him why he was acting like he was.. but i can't change it. i am perfectly aware that simply not going to the bar isnt going to make this right. and if you have so many years of seeing posts exactly like mine, i would think that you would have something more to offer than simply degrading and offering no advice on how to move forward. i came here to get advice from people that have been here, i am open to advice, i am not however open to just being degraded by someone who thinks that because they have been on this board for years they can assess a situation without giving help.


Your anger is misplaced.

A summarizing of your situation by someone other than yourself is gift.

That it angers you really is not something that bothers me.

If you do not think me telling you to stop wanting to do destructive things and pick healthy behavior is degrading then I can't help you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Jellybeanz said:


> thank you. i didnt know if asking to go to a counsellor with me to try to make it better would offend him further than i already have. I feel that i should see one even if he doesnt, because i obviously have self esteem issues or i wouldnt have done what i started to do...
> 
> I stopped going to clubs, but i dont think it's a good idea for me to go to clubs at all. I think I could easily end up with a drinking problem since I've lost all this weight. I have obvious self esteem issues or something going on, to go from food addiction to drinking so much...


It is absolutely inappropriate to go out to clubs and act like a single woman when you are married. Period. Whether he is meeting you needs currently of not. I think your efforts to seek couseling for yourself are a good first step.


----------



## 1-12-t1 (Aug 7, 2011)

i think ill be the first to say it, i didnt go thru all the posts tho. 
The past... To me, i value sex. Much more then my ex. To me it shows love, passion and loyalty. Its the most you can do with somebody. To me, im a guy, i dont want a high number. I wish i had never even had sex and my next real relationship i am going to wait months, or maybe not even have sex till marriage. My ex had a one night stand months ago, I found out about a month ago. I couldnt deal with it i loved her to death and was planning on marrying her but i couldnt. i couldnt stop replaying the image of another dude in her. I still do care about her and she was the perfect girl for me but she had sex with another dude. thats ground zero a no tollerance zone and we werent even together. my point is is that maybe he just is hurt that it happend. I know i would be. I know you cant change it but that might be where he is comming from when he brings the past up. No its not right but were all human. You are for putting yourself there and he is for being so jealous...


----------



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

You sound very defensive and angry. If that's how discussions are approached in your home (from both sides), no wonder you guys are in stress.
Also, it's like you admitted you were wrong and changed (minus 2 times) and expect all is good. There's a world of jealousy and hurt behind your actions that your H is holding a grudge.
When you went out would you have come home if your H texted he needed asprin? Probably not - he's just paying you back.
Finally, is his role child care while you work? Then he is supporting family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I agree with everything Michzz said. You haven't acted like a woman who wants to be married. Stay out of the bars and out of the path you're on if you want your marriage to work. Your husband is prob pissed because after 8 Yrs the same pattern with you continues. You said you feel like leaving then you say you want. MC.which is it?he more than likely is very resentful of you because of this habitual behavior. As a spouse I can see why he'd be pissed. Resentment sets in place and then the loss of respect comes and you know the rest. Its up to you to show through actions you're committed to the marriage and stop thei destructive behavior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

I applaud you for the self-awareness to realize what you've done is wrong, and to takes steps to correct it. That was a good first step. I think what your H resented was that he doesn't go out that often, and when he did you were bugging him about a headache. He does seem to have issues, as do you, with communicating things that bother him. He lets them all build up and then come out at once. You exhibit your frustrations through single-person behavior, rather than communicate them at all. 

What works best is having the trust and the patience to voice your frustrations in an honest and calm way, without blaming and without getting defensive and bringing up your own issues when someone else brings up theirs. 

Many people avoid conflict, thinking they are keeping the peace, or because they are afraid of offending their partner. But those conflicts come out other ways, as you have demonstrated. And silence or passive-aggressive behavior is much harder to interpret than the simple honest truth. So you both need to work together to embrace conflict, but to use it as a tool to hear each other. You can't be afraid of losing the person or offending them or you will get nowhere.

Finally, if you were raped as you describe, you should report the guy. It sounds like you will need some IC and MC to get over that.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

My assessment: You spent many years not acting like a wife and mother. The fact that you went back to partying after 7 years makes it obvious where your heart lies. Your husband is right to be fearful of being betrayed. It will take a long time with actions reinforced over a period of time where you truly say and act like you want to be a wife and a mother and do not get pleasure out of acting like a single person for him to trust you. You can really only fix your side of the street, and as a result hope he fixes his side.


----------



## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

I didn't read all the replies, but the one thing that seems to be a constant is that you put yourself in positions that could lead to something sexual happening with another man. Its great that you are always honest with your husband after the fact, but it doesn't really help that you continue to choose to do these things.

I am a married man, and I wouldn't want my wife going to bars dancing with strange men. Just doesn't seem right.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I only have one other comment, and it is about where this thread was started. Seems misplaced. Maybe should be moved to a more general section of the site.


----------



## Jellybeanz (Sep 1, 2011)

Thank you everyone for the comments and helping me understand what is going on in his head so I can change. I was putting myself in dangerous situations I was acting single I did justify going out because there was no touching and I didn't see it as wrong at the time. We are talking and he still tells me he loves me and I am going to talk to him about it tonight instead of just bottling it all up. He can't know how I really feel when I haven't told him because I'm afraid he will leave if I admit that I he had the right to be mad. I did write him a letter and he has been so affectionate with me but we haven't talked. And the fact that he is so affectionate makes me feel worse because I don't understand how he can still be that way after what I've put him through. Thank you again everyone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeanz (Sep 1, 2011)

ManDup said:


> I applaud you for the self-awareness to realize what you've done is wrong, and to takes steps to correct it. That was a good first step. I think what your H resented was that he doesn't go out that often, and when he did you were bugging him about a headache. He does seem to have issues, as do you, with communicating things that bother him. He lets them all build up and then come out at once. You exhibit your frustrations through single-person behavior, rather than communicate them at all.
> 
> What works best is having the trust and the patience to voice your frustrations in an honest and calm way, without blaming and without getting defensive and bringing up your own issues when someone else brings up theirs.
> 
> ...


Thank you so very much for this reply. You hit on every issue that we are going through and gave guidance on how to handle it. I do have intimacy issues I remember husband wanted to kiss me for longer than a peck and I pulled back and I don't know why. I am going to talk with him tonight and lay it all out there without telling him what he did to make me feel the way I did and that being the reason I went out etc. I'm going to stick to me and my issues and if we start to argue I'm going to end the conversation and tell him we have had enough right now and I will talk with him later
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeanz (Sep 1, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> You sound very defensive and angry. If that's how discussions are approached in your home (from both sides), no wonder you guys are in stress.
> Also, it's like you admitted you were wrong and changed (minus 2 times) and expect all is good. There's a world of jealousy and hurt behind your actions that your H is holding a grudge.
> When you went out would you have come home if your H texted he needed asprin? Probably not - he's just paying you back.
> Finally, is his role child care while you work? Then he is supporting family.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree that looking after the kids was supporting the family and I supported his decision entirely about going back to school. My comment about that feeling was based on the input from the men on how he was feeling. I talked to husband before and told him that he had supported me when I was on mat leave and the years when he made more than me so he shouldn't worry about that, its my turn now marriage is about give and take. I am angry but not with him. I'm angry with myself and the situation. I know there is a world of jealousy based on what he said the other night but I was blind sided and I just wanted to know aside from not going out anymore what I can do to make it better. Thank you for your response it helps me view the situation from his perspective
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeanz (Sep 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I agree with everything Michzz said. You haven't acted like a woman who wants to be married. Stay out of the bars and out of the path you're on if you want your marriage to work. Your husband is prob pissed because after 8 Yrs the same pattern with you continues. You said you feel like leaving then you say you want. MC.which is it?he more than likely is very resentful of you because of this habitual behavior. As a spouse I can see why he'd be pissed. Resentment sets in place and then the loss of respect comes and you know the rest. Its up to you to show through actions you're committed to the marriage and stop thei destructive behavior.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you. I said I wanted to leave because of what I did to him and I don't want to hurt him anymore. I just feel like he sits back and let's me do what I want and I hurt him and I don't want that to continue. He deserves someone who wouldn't do what I've done at all. I don't mean I want to leave because of him at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeanz (Sep 1, 2011)

ARF said:


> I didn't read all the replies, but the one thing that seems to be a constant is that you put yourself in positions that could lead to something sexual happening with another man. Its great that you are always honest with your husband after the fact, but it doesn't really help that you continue to choose to do these things.
> 
> I am a married man, and I wouldn't want my wife going to bars dancing with strange men. Just doesn't seem right.


You are right, its not right for me to have went out dancing with strange men. And justifying it by going home and telling him everything that happened wasn't right. I wish he would have told me off sooner and not just let me keep going out. I'm not saying its his fault at all but I couldn't see that I was doing anything wrong because I didn't want to. I'm trying to fix it. I can only do that with time I guess
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeanz (Sep 1, 2011)

1-12-t1 said:


> i think ill be the first to say it, i didnt go thru all the posts tho.
> The past... To me, i value sex. Much more then my ex. To me it shows love, passion and loyalty. Its the most you can do with somebody. To me, im a guy, i dont want a high number. I wish i had never even had sex and my next real relationship i am going to wait months, or maybe not even have sex till marriage. My ex had a one night stand months ago, I found out about a month ago. I couldnt deal with it i loved her to death and was planning on marrying her but i couldnt. i couldnt stop replaying the image of another dude in her. I still do care about her and she was the perfect girl for me but she had sex with another dude. thats ground zero a no tollerance zone and we werent even together. my point is is that maybe he just is hurt that it happend. I know i would be. I know you cant change it but that might be where he is comming from when he brings the past up. No its not right but were all human. You are for putting yourself there and he is for being so jealous...


Thank you for your point of view. I value sex too and in my own warped way I justified going out and enjoying the attention because there was no way I was going to sleep with someone else. Its wrong and stupid but I can't change the rationale that I had at the time, I can only change going forward. I was a good mother and a good wife for 5 years and the last two I started slipping into who I was 10 years ago. I only went out after the kids were in bed so this is more about me being a bad wife than a bad mother. I don't have a high count of men I've slept with either, neither of us does. I need to start going to church again. Thank you again for helping me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## AltoSax4ever (Feb 23, 2011)

I wish I had some deep, philosophical answer, but I do agree with others that going out can for sure be dangerous. But, doing it as a couple can sure be healthy and fun too!! Building those alone times are so important. I know in my crazy life, that alone time tends to get shoved to the side, but it has to be made in order for that strong bond to remain. Church has also been a great place for me too. I believe that one of the most important things that a church experience can bring is fellowship. Finding people at the same time in their life walk and being able to share those struggles and triumphs. It is sad that we go through these types of issues when so little time is at hand. We could enjoy the up times to the fullest, but be strong together in the low times. Human nature tends to get in the way.

Good luck and definitely keep talking with him.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Jellybeanz said:


> I wish he would have told me off sooner and not just let me keep going out. _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are on a relationship website. Even if people are not in the infidelity section, they are most likely here because they have had trouble in their relationshis. But even if you take a poll here, a slight majority would say that is is NOT OK for your husband to tell you you can't go partying with your friends.

Go out to the world at large and ask the same question, and a HUGE majority of people would say it's controlling to not want your wife to "go out dancing". Especially if you never even "touched" anyone. He never thought he COULD stop you. He was thinking he was being a good husband by staying home with the kids while you unwound with your friends.

A few years ago, my wife went through a post partum party spree where she got to the point where she was going out every other weekend. In total, she only went out 7 or 8 times. She had lost weight and looked great. And instead of showing off that new body with me she chose to flaunt it at hookup joints.

Now, I will admit my wife was a little sneakier than you were. Never told me where she was going, never a discussion of her nights. Never even gave me a warning. Said "we're going dancing" and I was watching her newly toned ass walk away before the words even hit my brain.

But I'll bet she never "touched" anyone either. I really didn't think she would. But do you know what my nights were like while she was gone and I was home with the kids? The pain in my gut was like someone jusk kept kicking and kicking and kicking. Knowing she was partying with god knows how many single men. Flirting, dancing, drinking, slow dances. It killed me. To this day it is effecting our relationship. 

My advice? Your husband sounds like I would be if my wife took it to the extent you did. With me it was short lived and I am still not over it. Put together how long this went on. How long did you look for the attention of strange men and NOT your husband. How long did you put your selfish desires above his needs as a husband? How much pain did you put him through over how long a time. And the FREQUENCY of this activity. Put the shoe on the other foot. How would you feel if he did that?

I don't mean to pile on, but although you sound like you know you made a mistake and want a do-over, you also sound a little dismissive of what he's going through right now. Kind of a "I talked to him about it, I said I'm sorry and I see where it was wrong, but get over it already". He may never get over it. I never did. I don't know how you make it right with him, but that kind of an attitude won't do it. 

My wife never admitted what she did was wrong. Never apologized for putting me through that, even after one of her "dancing partners" called her to set up a date (that little fight is what ended her s.l.u.t.t.i.n.g career). I actually felt bad that our fight made her stop going out. Can you believe that? She hooks up with some stranger at a meat market and I FEEL BAD because SHE felt like she had to stop. I felt guilty for causing her to stop doing something she loves. Do you see how men are programmed to allow this to happen? 

Even after it was over, I put up with the pain of my experience FOR YEARS because men were not allowed to have a problem with their women going out. Even if they were going out to places THAT EXIST FOR PEOPLE TO HOOK UP FOR SEX!!! When I finally had to bring it up to her YEARS LATER because the pain was not going away, she claimed she doesn't even remember. I have no closure and my relationship with her will never be the same. I'm guessing your husband doesn't have closure either. Understand he is in pain. Understand how he feels and adjust your "apology" accordingly.

That's my advice.


----------



## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Marriage Counseling would help.
MrK----think about it for you too; it may help.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> Marriage Counseling would help.
> MrK----think about it for you too; it may help.


My wife checked out of my mariage a long time ago, hence her desire to lose weight and party with strange men. Nothing has changed except for her desire to go out. She doesn't care. She wouldn't go. I know not to even try any more.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

*Re: Husband thinks I am a ******



michzz said:


> Two parts to your thread.
> 
> 1. You are playing with fire going to bars, drinking to drunkenness and dancing with strange men. This is not about the love of "the dance". It's about sexual excitement. What husband likes that in his wife? Not me.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Does not excuse your husband's behavior. Your husband sees your behavior as disresepctful and feels you are rubbing his nose in it. It was a trigger for him.

BUT, your actions are unfaithful and for sure risky. You keep putting yourself into situations. You were raped earlier on it seems. You keep putting yourself at risk. Very unhealthy married or not.

You are married though. You are seeking other mens attention. You are having needs met by other men. That is risky and unfaithful behavior. It is very disrespectful


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jellybeanz said:


> I agree, I dont need to, and I shouldnt need to, and it wasnt about dancing anymore. That's why I approached him and talked to him about it a couple of months ago, because it was something that I did wrong, and he did nothing wrong, and he shouldnt have had to put up with it, and i realized i was on a dangerous path. I just need to know what to do now, how to fix it. I've stopped going out, i know it was wrong... but over 2 months later to say all of these things to me came out of nowhere because i've changed so much in the last 2 months, and i dont know what to do. if i were still going out i would at least have something to change...


He had an outburst because it was eating him inside and there was a trigger. Not defending him.

Where was he if he was not working?


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jellybeanz said:


> the problem is, he was out of work, he stopped paying attention to me, i lost alot of weight, met a new friend, we started going out, i enjoyed the attention, he acted like he didnt care that i was going out, and we started this big spiral. we dont really argue, but that's because we just kind of do what we want. based on both answers, i can see he didnt say anything to me about going out because he was embarrassed and feeling bad about not being able to look after us in his eyes. so i couldnt reassure him that i love him and support him in going to school, and in return i felt like he didnt give a crap about me, and started to pull away as well.. then we would have sex, quite a bit, but it was only sex, no attachment..and i resented him for that...
> 
> about my relationship with him. when i met him i was partying all the time, and he went to church every sunday i did eventually stop partying so much, not completely, and we had a family, and then just the last year i started going out again.. i didnt post this to be told that I'm wrong or that he's wrong for saying what he did. i know i'm wrong, there's no question, he's partly to blame as well for things i havent posted, but I most certainly created the majority of this mess because i decided to go out and look for attention elsewhere.. i'm ready to leave because of this. Because i dont want him feeling this way about me, and i dont want to hurt him anymore.. he deserves better than me going out and enjoying attention from other guys. and i cant be here knowing that my husband views me as a ***** and hates me either.


Two years is a long time to be out of work. Even in these tough times. You find something to keep engaged while you look for work.

If he had been out of work I would have another take on this. Men usually define their value by their work. Women define much of our worth by our ability to be aloha and provide.
When men are out of work they tend to shut down for a number of reason. This includes sexually and emotionally. 

So a wife seeking other men's attention is a BIG DEAL.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jellybeanz said:


> michzz you need to stop and read everything that is being said instead of skimming things and try to actually help me understand and do what i need to. i havent asked you to say that he's a bastard for whatever he has done, and im not rationalizing anything. i have already said, i talked to him and admitted that going out was wrong, and stopped because i was on a dangerous path. i am fully aware that i would probably have ended up cheating so i stopped going out!! so far you have alot of opinions but no advice which is what i need. what do i need to do other than not going out, because i have already stopped that two months ago WHEN I ADMITTED TO MY HUSBAND THAT IT WAS WRONG AND UNFAIR TO HIM!! my nose isnt out of joint about anything. this entire thread has been about help to know what else i need to do to make this right.
> in the post you quote, i was commenting on my own **** up of misunderstanding what was happening over the last two years and where i went wrong. instead of seeing how he was feeling about being out of work, i got pissy about it and took it the wrong way that he didnt care, when it was the complete opposite, that he did care and was upset about not providing anymore. I'm not saying im ready to leave because of him, i'm ready to leave because of myself, because of what i've done to him, and how he feels because of me, because of what I was doing, and because of where i was headed.


Look, you need to support each other. he needs to get a job. You need not be seeking other men's attention. You said you stopped. Good deal. BUT what you did does not magically gop away. Things must recover. You lost his trust. For all he knows you have cheated on him.

Before you were married you were drunk with another man and he raped you. He had no right to do that an all I am going to say is please do not put yourself in these kind of situations. You did not deserve to be raped. BUT, you were putting yourself at risk and by doing that you were acting unfaithful.

Dies your husband know about the incident?


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ARF said:


> I didn't read all the replies, but the one thing that seems to be a constant is that you put yourself in positions that could lead to something sexual happening with another man. Its great that you are always honest with your husband after the fact, but it doesn't really help that you continue to choose to do these things.
> 
> *I am a married man, and I wouldn't want my wife going to bars dancing with strange men. Just doesn't seem righ*t.


Right. This in itself would be a deal breaker for me.


----------



## NWKindaguy (Sep 2, 2011)

sounds like jealousy is getting to your hubby, both job wise and attention. 1st, if he really wanted to work, he could find something, anything. 2nd, if he wasnt so insecure he wouldnt try to make you feel insecure by calling you names. You guys need counseling or end it.


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

NWKindaguy said:


> sounds like jealousy is getting to your hubby, both job wise and attention. 1st, if he really wanted to work, he could find something, anything. 2nd, if he wasnt so insecure he wouldnt try to make you feel insecure by calling you names. You guys need counseling or end it.


Sounds to me more like resentment over his wife's behavior. She's acting like a SINGLE woman going out "dancing" EVERY weekend!!!! Married women do not do this. Nightclubs are for single people, unless a married couple goes as a married couple. Bottom line. She took advantage of her doormat husband. And it seems that she lacks in the mother department. Poor *unemployed* Dad sitting at home every weekend with his kids (kudos to him!!!) while wife is out wanting to be single again. She needs to grow up and be home with her family; be a mother and a wife. Her husband is now full of anger and resentment and frankly I don't blame him.

I love to dance, too, but I'm not clubbing it every weekend. We dance in our living room!!


----------



## Jellybeanz (Sep 1, 2011)

MrK said:


> You are on a relationship website. Even if people are not in the infidelity section, they are most likely here because they have had trouble in their relationshis. But even if you take a poll here, a slight majority would say that is is NOT OK for your husband to tell you you can't go partying with your friends.
> 
> Go out to the world at large and ask the same question, and a HUGE majority of people would say it's controlling to not want your wife to "go out dancing". Especially if you never even "touched" anyone. He never thought he COULD stop you. He was thinking he was being a good husband by staying home with the kids while you unwound with your friends.
> 
> ...


Thank you, this was the best possible answer that I could have asked for and exactly what I needed and hoped for when i asked for help. I read your post so many times that i could probably recite it word for word. I was very angry when i first posted this thread at him for bringing it up a. 8 years after the fact, and B. 2 months after i had that conversation with him on my own. You're right, i was being dismissive and almost had that attitude of i appologized, im not going out so what's your problem. and the reason is that i didnt understand those emotions that you described that he was feeling when i did go out. I honest to God didnt think he cared that i was going out, because he didnt say anything. you sound so much like him that i would have misread you too. I'm sorry that your wife didnt appologize, i'm sorry that you still have resentment... I'm going to do everything that you mentioned that you would have needed to get beyond it, and things he deserves to hear from me. i surprised him yesterday with dinner and a movie and a sitter... we went out, we talked, we laughed, i kept telling myself to pretend this was a date, that we werent married, that we were trying to connect and make that impression to go further in a relationship.. i just kept remembering what we were when we were happy just 3 years ago... I feel like a completely different woman today. Im not crying all the time, I'm not feeling sorry for myself because i feel like a failure in his eyes, I just keep telling him i love him. and he keeps telling me... we went to dinner, he brought my niece home and asked me to put on this little outfit he got me last year for valentines day, which i only wore once, and i did and had candles when he got home, and we actually connected, it wasnt just straight to sex... i fell asleep in his arms lastnight, and for the first time in months i slept so sound, and it's fantastic. we are spending the day together as a family, we're laughing, we're happy... Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for taking the time to share your feelings and your situation with me without just judging and telling me to stop, because I needed more, i needed to understand how he was feeling. I'm still going to see a counsellor. i do have personal issues. i dont know how to deal with the attention from other men. i was big all my life and now i'm a slender and attractive woman, and i was sucking that up like a bar ***** because i never had that before, God, so much time wasted.. again thank you. I dont feel like i want to leave because i'm not good enough for him anymore, and i love to dance so we can dance together at home with the kids. I'm so lucky to have him, he's so good looking, it's not like he's not attractive, and i dont kid myslef, there are other women in line that would take him in a heart beat. I'm just blessed that he didnt go anywhere, that he values his marriage vows, and that he will work with me, he will be patient with me. And you're right, if he would have tried to tell me not to go out before, I wouldnt have listened becuse i felt i was doing nothing wrong just because i wasnt touching... stupid. I will remember your answer when i am debating going out, becuase that temptation will be there, like any addict.... i need something to refer back to in order to remember how it affect other people. I'm going to ask my husband if he will write me a letter and tell me how it made him feel, becuase i need to hear it from him.


----------



## Jellybeanz (Sep 1, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Look, you need to support each other. he needs to get a job. You need not be seeking other men's attention. You said you stopped. Good deal. BUT what you did does not magically gop away. Things must recover. You lost his trust. For all he knows you have cheated on him.
> 
> Before you were married you were drunk with another man and he raped you. He had no right to do that an all I am going to say is please do not put yourself in these kind of situations. You did not deserve to be raped. BUT, you were putting yourself at risk and by doing that you were acting unfaithful.
> 
> Dies your husband know about the incident?


Thank you so much for your view, great answers that help me to not feel like a complete piece of sh*It. I know i was wrong, i was so much worse than him because he just didnt talk to me about things, he wasnt putting himself in sitations that i was, and he wasnt leaving the house to get attention from other women. I dont feel that he was 100% innocent for where the relationship ended up either, and I'm not willing to take 100% of the blame.. 95% sure, and that's what i mean by i dont think that gives him the right to just call me whatever he feels like. he was out of work, then he went back to school part time, then there were issues where he wasnt looking very hard for a job, I took on 3 jobs to support the family, because he wanted office work and when a placement agency called him for a factory job he said no, i was mad, i was VERY mad. then he turned down another job because it was night shift and he doesnt want to work nights or weekends. He didnt send out resumes because he was waiting for ME to look over his resume and made adjustments for him. which i did. he would look on job sites and say there were only 2 jobs there, but then i would come home and send out at least 10 resumes from his email at night. He wants to start at the top of the ladder because he now has an education in a field, but it doesnt work that way. it took me almost 10 years to get this awsome position that i am in now, and i worked like a dog to get there. so i resented him for his lack of initiative and urgency to find and take whatever job they offered. I would work at mcdonalds if it put food on the table for my kids. me being a bad mother, noone will ever in a million years convince me i acted like a bad mother because i didnt. i went to work, i came home, i brought treats for them, i take them places, i buy them anything, i have went without things to buy for them. I spend every wakign minute that im not at work with them, it's not just about buying them things. we do things together, we hug and i tell them they are my best friends..what i was doing wrong was in my relationship with my husband. i was going out after the kids were in bed. and the next morning i was always up around 8 with them. mind you yes i was sometimes hung over and we would ahve a movie day, but i made popcorn we put blankets in the living room and we were together. he does know about the incident that happened before we were married, and i never did resolve that issue with myself because it was a guy that i knew for years, literally my first boyfriend when i was 6. i was alot younger when that happened, early 20's and everyone was going that i knew, bad judgement and thought i knew it all, like so many people at that age. What i was doing at 30, there's no excuse for it. i was putting myself in dangerous situations, i could have been killed or raped or god knows and i know better. When that guy ended up grabbing me by the arm a few months ago, that was when it just all came crumbling down in my head, and i knew i had to stop. i started having feelign about stopping before that, but i wasnt ready i guess. I can feel my own views and my own feelings about myself are so much different today than even when i originally posted this thread. I was feeling used, i would come home from the bar and my husband would have sex with me, even if i was telling him no, and i was crying, he still did it anyway, and that wasnt right either... but i can see that he had no respect for me, and he figured if i was going to act like a w.h.o.r.e. he was going to treat me like one... doesnt make it right, and that's why i was getting defensive at the poster that was only making comments and not helping me understand what to change, and how to go about it. This is the internet, there's always more to situations than is put forth, and that is the reason i dont just jump on people and judge them. thank you for taking the time to help me understand and change our relationship, for giving me a starting point to work from.


----------



## Jellybeanz (Sep 1, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> Not to sound harsh but you are doing an awful lot of blame shifting. You say sorry and admit to wrong doing but, they are always followed with a BUT. Maybe you aren’t literally saying the word “but”, but it is there is the undertones of your words.
> 
> *“i still shouldnt have been in that room with him. I went home and talked to my husband that night, told him what happened, and how i was feeling, and that we needed to work on our connection. This was EIGHT years ago!!”*
> 
> ...


thank you, it doesnt sound preachy at all, it sounds like exactly what i needed to hear. You're right, i was trying to make him feel bad. I just didnt expect what came out of his mouth when he got home, and it messed me up pretty bad. But in the end it's the best thing that could have happened because here I am, with tons of answers, and suggestions and now i actually understand what is going on in his head so that we can work together to move forward. I can also see how angry i would have been to have a conversation with him when i originally posted this thread, we wouldnt have gotten anywhere. i would have been pissed that he was bring this up now, and felt that he had no right to hold it against me because it was so long ago. and then i felt like i did everything wrong and he had no part in the mess and i felt like garbage, and that i shouldnt even be here anymore because he didnt do anything wrong and i am such a terrible person, and he would have the right to call me whatever he wanted and hold it against me forever because he did nothing wrong, and that's why i was feeling like leaving, so that he could move on and be with someone who wasnt a low life piece of trash. But, I know now that we need to work together, he did contribute to some of this, it wasnt just me, i'm not putting the blame on him, i should never have went through that door to the meat markets leaving him home alone, i am no way making excuses for that, and i am in no way downplaying his feelings towards me for that. it was just the path that i chose when things were getting bad between us and it was so very very wrong. But i can only prove to him, and stop going out, and both of us need to work on this relationship and our interaction with eachother. and i feel like i'm not wrong to want him to speak to me like a human being, without snapping and belittling me either. We will be ok i think. I have such a better understanding of myself and my own attitude now, through the help of most of the people who commented. Thank you again, i really do appreciate the help, and the self awareness that you provided, that so many of you did. I was sooo angry when i posted this thread, i couldnt approach the situation properly.


----------



## Jellybeanz (Sep 1, 2011)

southern wife said:


> Sounds to me more like resentment over his wife's behavior. She's acting like a SINGLE woman going out "dancing" EVERY weekend!!!! Married women do not do this. Nightclubs are for single people, unless a married couple goes as a married couple. Bottom line. She took advantage of her doormat husband. And it seems that she lacks in the mother department. Poor *unemployed* Dad sitting at home every weekend with his kids (kudos to him!!!) while wife is out wanting to be single again. She needs to grow up and be home with her family; be a mother and a wife. Her husband is now full of anger and resentment and frankly I don't blame him.
> 
> I love to dance, too, but I'm not clubbing it every weekend. We dance in our living room!!


I am responding because of the mother statement. No i wasnt going out EVERY weekend, I have went out 14 times tops in the last two years. I usually work weekends at my part time job. No i am not lacking in the motherhood department. My waking hours are spent at work, then at home with the kids, going to movies or the park or getting our nails done together, etc. He wasnt a doormat, nor was he a complete victim here in this relationship. He went out too, he went to the movies or to the pub to watch UFC or shoot pool, things that a married man can do without feeling guilty. When i went out the kids were in bed and he was here renting UFC on the big screen. He was unemployed since april of 2009, his EI ran out a year later, and then he started a course pârt time, but the kids were in day care full time. He got 100 a month plus daycare paid for. He didnt take a part time job because he didnt want to work evenings and weekends, so i took a part time job working evenings and weekends on top of working monday to friday 8 to 5. the day his schooling ended all money was cut off for him. i paid for full time day care for a month and a half until i was literally on the verge of a breakdown so he could search for a job, in that month and a half he turned down two jobs because he didnt want to work nights, and he didnt want to work in a factory. I didnt call him names when he turned down job offers,or when i come home from work to do laundry, dinner, dishes and house work. instead i was trying to pick up extra shifts to pay the bills. I still have two jobs and he is working part time. i dont ever call him names because im working 50+ hours per week while he works 25. had no business in a bar, I am 100% guilty there, but I am not a bad mother, and he isnt an innocent doormat who deserves to be justified for calling me names and given kudos for being home with the kids when i went out. i was wrong for going to the bars and need to work on my relationship with my husband, but needing to grow up is not one of the things i need to work on doing i can assure you.


----------



## Jellybeanz (Sep 1, 2011)

NWKindaguy said:


> sounds like jealousy is getting to your hubby, both job wise and attention. 1st, if he really wanted to work, he could find something, anything. 2nd, if he wasnt so insecure he wouldnt try to make you feel insecure by calling you names. You guys need counseling or end it.


HI,

thanks for your input. I was very angry over him not working, but not at first, not when he lost his job and went back to school. I supported him fully in that and encouraged him. Him and i got into a few arguments because he said things to me as i advanced in my career, about jobs just falling in my lap, and he didnt even say congratulations when i got my new job, he actually started talking over me about a show he had watched on tv that day. that hurt me. so you know, i do feel that i am valid in having some of the feelings i had towards him and the situation. i dont think i was right to go to bars, i should have went to a movie or signed up for a dance class for that matter if i truly wanted to dance... so thank you for recognizing and saying that i dont need to lay down and be treated like dirt and listen to being called names because i went out and danced with other guys. I was wrong, I have admitted that and i`m working my butt off to make that right. We are both working on respecting eachother, we were both wrong in different ways. We will be going to councelling, we dont want to end it. 

take care, and thank you again.


----------



## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

The best way to make things better is to work on yourself. You are looking to external things (attention from men) to make yourself feel good. When you require this type of external validation, that usually means you are not tapping into your interal resources to make yourself feel good. This low self-esteem and feeling bad about yourself needs to be fixed in order for you to permanently stop doing things to fill the void inside of you. Your husband can't fill the void. The men at the bars cannot fill the void. Only learning how to love and accept yourself will fill the void.

Your husband seems like he's feeling resentful. It will take time for this to change. Once trust is broken, it takes a long time to be restored. You say you understand that your behavior is wrong, but the mere fact that you seem to want to snap your fingers and make it all better makes me wonder if you realize just how destructive your drinking and going out was to the marriage. Be prepared to work a LONG time on this before your husband learns to trust you again.

I strongly believe that psychologists are the best type of therapist you can see. They have more training and can help you with your issues so that you can see results sooner. Good luck!


----------



## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

michzz said:


> Look, you can rationalize and justify all you want to. But basically you are zooming up on full-on cheating and likely a drinking problem if you stay in the way of thinking you have.
> 
> Two months are hardly proof of change, especially if your nose is out of joint about it.
> 
> ...


hmmmm


----------



## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

ManDup said:


> I applaud you for the self-awareness to realize what you've done is wrong, and to takes steps to correct it. That was a good first step. I think what your H resented was that he doesn't go out that often, and when he did you were bugging him about a headache. He does seem to have issues, as do you, with communicating things that bother him. He lets them all build up and then come out at once. You exhibit your frustrations through single-person behavior, rather than communicate them at all.
> 
> What works best is having the trust and the patience to voice your frustrations in an honest and calm way, without blaming and without getting defensive and bringing up your own issues when someone else brings up theirs.
> 
> ...


I am happy someone else has spoke on what I have been thinking of. Not only where they not together at the time that she went over to the friends house but she was clearly RAPED and that I feel may play a part in the way she has been behaving. For him to throw that up in her face like that was just cruel.


----------



## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Jellybeanz said:


> I am responding because of the mother statement. No i wasnt going out EVERY weekend, I have went out 14 times tops in the last two years. I usually work weekends at my part time job. No i am not lacking in the motherhood department. My waking hours are spent at work, then at home with the kids, going to movies or the park or getting our nails done together, etc. He wasnt a doormat, nor was he a complete victim here in this relationship. He went out too, he went to the movies or to the pub to watch UFC or shoot pool, things that a married man can do without feeling guilty. When i went out the kids were in bed and he was here renting UFC on the big screen. He was unemployed since april of 2009, his EI ran out a year later, and then he started a course pârt time, but the kids were in day care full time. He got 100 a month plus daycare paid for. He didnt take a part time job because he didnt want to work evenings and weekends, so i took a part time job working evenings and weekends on top of working monday to friday 8 to 5. the day his schooling ended all money was cut off for him. i paid for full time day care for a month and a half until i was literally on the verge of a breakdown so he could search for a job, in that month and a half he turned down two jobs because he didnt want to work nights, and he didnt want to work in a factory. I didnt call him names when he turned down job offers,or when i come home from work to do laundry, dinner, dishes and house work. instead i was trying to pick up extra shifts to pay the bills. I still have two jobs and he is working part time. i dont ever call him names because im working 50+ hours per week while he works 25. had no business in a bar, I am 100% guilty there, but I am not a bad mother, and he isnt an innocent doormat who deserves to be justified for calling me names and given kudos for being home with the kids when i went out. i was wrong for going to the bars and need to work on my relationship with my husband, but needing to grow up is not one of the things i need to work on doing i can assure you.


 Nicely done. I read between the line along time ago but it seems that everything was sole focused on you and what you did or did not do and not the entire thing and what both or you did wrong or do better.


----------



## DanG (Aug 10, 2011)

sexuallyfustrated said:


> I am happy someone else has spoke on what I have been thinking of. Not only where they not together at the time that she went over to the friends house but she was clearly RAPED and that I feel may play a part in the way she has been behaving. For him to throw that up in her face like that was just cruel.


Unless he was trying to say that her recent men-attention-getting-behaviors really don't show that much more progress in her attainment of a *worldly* understanding (grown up) that those behaviors could lead to similar outcomes.

This statement concerns me:
" I said I wanted to leave because of what I did to him and I don't want to hurt him anymore. I just feel like he sits back and let's me do what I want and I hurt him and I don't want that to continue. 
He deserves someone who wouldn't do what I've done at all. I don't mean I want to leave because of him at all."

This is a variation on "I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You." I may have missed it in your writings, but I don't think I have seen where you wrote that you were In Love with your husband. Are you??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Ok i'll say it and it is not meant in a mean way.

I can tell you what his problem is... IT is because of what happened 8 years ago. You were drunk and went home with some guy and had sex with him, because you were to drunk to fight him off. So he thinks you are out drinking it might happen again or already be happening... Stop going out to bars without him. You can still drink at home and still have fun...


----------

