# My parents and her parents



## brianj.wagner (Jun 28, 2010)

I'm coming up on my first anniversary of my first (and hopefully only!) marriage and we have no children together or separately. That might only be important simply to note my lack of marital experience.

I know not everyone has to like their in-laws. In fact, I'm sure most people really don't in general. For example, my wife does not particularly enjoy my family's company. She H-A-T-E-S my brother's wife to be (for a few valid reasons, but others are just plain catty), she is not fond of my brother just because he is marrying her, and my mother tries to play family police all the time and my wife isn't used to that, took it as offensive and now has a bit of a sore spot for her, but they play nice. All-in-all, the idea of my wife spending time with her in-laws (my family) is less than exciting, understandably. But such are the woes of marriage, and she understands that. She understands that my family is still my family, and on occasion she is willing to suck it up and make the trip (we live several states away) because she knows its important to me, which it is.

Now my relationship with her family is different. I am very easy-going. I can get along with anyone. Her parents and family are also very easy-going and tend to let the chips fall where they may. They do not police the family, they are not bitter for those of us who chose to move away. They are happy when we are happy. They always understand if we forget a birthday, can't make a trip (an even farther/more expensive trip), or anything. They don't have enough emotional investment into our relationship to really cross me that would have me upset at them. They are basically harmless, giving people. So, I do not experience apprehension to visit them, other than it costing a LOT of time (driving) or a LOT of money (flying).

Now comes the dilemma: In August, my family plans an informal family get-together. Something like a family reunion but not labelled that. Its just a fun event my mother likes to put on to try and rope everyone in. My wife and I discussed our attendance this year just last weekend, and we concluded that for such a short period of time, it would not be worth the time to drive or the money to fly, as we would only really have 1.5 usable days there for me to enjoy my family and for my wife to drink just enough to keep a calm buzz about her, because of her discomfort of being around my family. I agreed with this assessment, as we have a much larger vacation plan this year, so we are trying to save paid time off as well as money. The stance was objective from her and I thoroughly agreed with the conclusion; just wasn't worth it. 

Today I get a text from my wife with the proposition of a road trip this upcoming weekend. This is common as we like to explore our state that we moved to on a whim. I thought she was going to say lets go to the beach which is like a 2 hour drive, so I said "sure where to?" The trip ended up being to her hometown which is 1200 miles away (vs my hometown which is 700 miles away). Her family is doing a full-fledged family reunion; they do it every year. This one is landmark because it is the 100 year anniversary of it, which is truly impressive. A few weeks ago, I overheard her on the phone with her cousin saying that even if we weren't living this far away that it did not interest her much, as she does not have much in common with her greater family. She admitted to me in the text message conversation that it is primarily to see our one and only nephew, who is starting to talk in broken sentences, and expressed some interest in seeing his aunt (my wife). This melted her heart and sparked the road trip idea. I also have confirmed that this trip has nothing to do with the reunion, and would have been her idea to go and see the nephew with or without a reunion taking place (it is a long weekend, after all).

So, would I be overreacting to be completely hurt by this? Unwilling to take time off of work or money to fly for my family 2 months in advance, but your (our) nephew says "auntie" in a sentence and suddenly we pull out all stops? Yes, I know that my family is not her idea of a good time, but neither is driving 1200 miles for 1 useful day then driving back, for me. Not to mention we had offered to pay for this nephew and his mother to travel to see us a few months back via airplane, but she (the boy's mom) politely declined.

Of course the answer is "sit down and share this with her, and talk about it." Yes, I'll get to that. But as soon as I mention it, even show any restraint on going for any reason, she a) calls the trip off, or b) goes alone. The end result for me, whether I say something or not, is that it is important to her to see her family, and her dearest nephew, and that is important enough for me to stand by her side when doing so. I would not let her go alone, that would be awful of me. I have quite a bit of confidence that she will reciprocate in the future about visiting my family, even if I have to remind her what I did to see hers. 

So should I be so offended? Do I bother saying something or just put a smile on my face and keep my mouth shut? No matter what, she will drive to see them. It can be a) with me, happily b) with me, silent treatment "because I don't want to go" or c) by herself and angry at me, calling her girlfriends the whole way telling them how awful I am. Like I said, either way, shes going.

Maybe I just answered my own question, because A seems to be the best scenario.

So maybe my question is: am I being too soft? am I being taken advantage of? should I swallow this and get over it?

Thanks.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The point is, she has to medicate herself to be around your family. She is completely comfortable around her own family. One means torture to her, one means good time spent. You can't fault her for that.

That said, it sounds like this is going to be ongoing, so it behooves you to sit down and find a decent resolution you can BOTH be ok with. 

fwiw, if she blows up at you for even mentioning this issue, you are being manipulated, and you need to nip that in the bud, NOW, because she will continue to do that more and more, because it works! If she calls it off, she will use that against you in the future. If she goes alone, you're setting a really bad precedent. Plus, it doesn't show great mature skills, if that's how she learned to deal with adversity.

When you say no matter what she will drive to see them, I see a bigger issue: her happiness is paramount in your marriage, and she will always get what she wants. Do you really want to keep things this way?

Go and get the book No More Mr. Nice Guy, and read it, and see what you think.


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## brianj.wagner (Jun 28, 2010)

turnera said:


> it doesn't show great mature skills, if that's how she learned to deal with adversity.


Absolutely true.



turnera said:


> her happiness is paramount in your marriage, and she will always get what she wants


This is also often true.

I understand that this has to be stopped SOONER than LATER, or it will continue throughout my marriage. Sadly, I believe that salvaging that point in this exact scenario cannot be done without safety issues (i.e. she will drive herself while being upset the entire trip). I am so far deciding to swallow this for now and put on a happy face. I think I ought to have this discussion after the trip.

I'm going to look into that book; even my wife tells me I'm too nice. For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted everyone to be happy all of the time, and many times that has blown up in my face, if not every time. Yet I continue to postpone harsh truths for momentary bliss.

Does it matter that she has announced that she is willing to go on her own not due to my quest for fairness but rather in respect for the short notice in regards to my work schedule? She has more or less said "I understand if you can't go or don't want to go. I am comfortable going by myself, but it would be nice if you came with me."

And to your point about being manipulated, I believe there is a fine line that I walk. Perhaps that is a line delivered by people that are subject to manipulation... but in past experiences, she has always returned the favor. From seeing a movie she wanted to see, or buying a new pair of shoes that she wanted, she always returns her selfishness for my own selfishness; we will watch something that I want to watch, or I will do/buy something nice for myself.

I've made informal (informal as in I haven't made any flight or hotel reservations) travel plans for November to return to the place I went to college for a weekend of who-knows-what, by myself. My wife and I discussed me using miles/money for that and we are both 100% comfortable with the cost and cause. It is expected that she will want to go on a little trip of her own for whatever reason whenever, so maybe this is her trip, and she just wants me to come with her because it is my nephew as well, who I love dearly, and the safety/boredom issues.

Does that change anything or make me sound like less of a pushover?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yes it does. Not so bad. It originally sounded like she was walking all over you. 

The point is, if you don't have good communication in your marriage, you will go downhill fast. I've always said you should be ech other's best friend. And what do you do with your best friend? You tell him/her everything! That's what best friends means. If you can't tell her everything, you will go in separate directions, so much so that you no longer even recognize each other after 10, 20 years, because you have stopped sharing and started hiding your thoughts.

What you describe sounds a lot like fear of rejection on your part. I would look into books on that.

Also, regarding the being nice: women NEED their men to be strong. Not mean or aggressive, just strong. Know what they want, don't give up what they want just to please someone unless there's a good reason. Women start resenting their men if they can no longer respect him for being strong. That's how affairs start, all too often.


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## brianj.wagner (Jun 28, 2010)

It is relieving to hear that I am not a lost cause, but I am and have been aware of the dangers of trying to make everyone happy all the time, especially in my marriage. There have been a few cases where I had to decide whether to make my family (mother, mostly) happy, or my wife happy, at least I thought of it that way. I delayed pulling that trigger for months and it ended poorly for everyone; nobody was happy. When we all sat and discussed it, it turned out that had I just addressed it when it was an issue, nobody would have been "unhappy". One side had to get their way, the other did not, and that was inevitable, but it was something that would have gone away in an hour, and everyone could have moved on.

Since then, my wife and I more thoroughly discuss our intentions in regards to seeing our families (with the exception of this little trip, of course) and how that impacts our time and financial budget. I have held my ground successfully against both my wife and my family upholding that very joint decision. My strength mostly melts in regards to my wife, as it probably should, to a point. I have learned to hold my own when it comes to my family (who is bitter that we moved away in the first place, so almost every discussion is an attempt to make me feel guilty), and how to deflect the guilt entirely. I am strong when it comes to other things that affect her in regards to poor customer service or a transaction that may have went poorly. I am strong at work when there is more work than hours in a day; I have no problem saying "no". It is just hardest to tell my wife "no". As I hope I have implied, I've told her no before, plenty of times. But to me, I feel like me saying "no" here is like saying "no, I don't want you to see your family, thats ridiculous."

I know for an absolute fact if I sat down with her tonight and said "I change my mind--in August I want to go and see my family", she would take a big gulp and say "okay, lets go for it". So, tonight when we both get home from work, I am going to tell her "okay, lets go for it". 

I'm also going to try to find that book on audio so I can listen to it during my long drive.

I really appreciate your advice--your guesses and inferences are spot on, which is kind of creepy, to be honest  but it makes your advice more relevant. 

After reading your last post, my anxiety to have this discussion with my wife has plummeted, and now I will just look forward to the time we get to spend together in the car.

It doesn't mean I've forgotten to address my thirst for world peace! My world, anyway.

Thanks again!


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## catherinebell (Jun 30, 2010)

Protecting children from any danger is every parent's responsibilities. You should build safety environment around your children and make sure they grow up in friendly secure lifestyle. It's your job to fill their basic need and provide all necessities to support their growth. Besides the safety, you should also need to concern about what they learn due to their attitudes.

Huntsville Single Mom


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