# Wife is controlling....help



## woundedsoldier

Hello people,
I am having a problem with my wife and I need some advice. I am 31 and have been married for 8 years. I am a gamer. I love games and computers and I could spend hours playing games or fiddling with my computer. My wife knew this before we got married but it has always been a problem between us. I was in the army for 11 years and I was wounded 2 years ago. I lost both my legs in an IED explosion. Before I was hurt my wife and I were going downhill to the point that we were going to get a divorce. Our marriage has been a rollercoaster but after I got hurt we tried to make things work. We have been better but lately I have been getting really frustrated. The only hobby I like to do is play games and mess around with my computer. I have every game system and a ton of games. You would think I play for hours on end but I don’t. I play maybe like an hour once a week and that’s not by my choice. My wife wants every second to be spent with her. If I touch my computer my wife start nagging me to get off and spend time with her so I do. This happens every day, whenever I want to do something by myself she basically manipulates me to do what she wants me to do and I feel like I am going crazy. She doesn’t do anything by herself. She likes to scrapbook and I have bought tons and tons of scrapbooking stuff for her but she never touches it. I have bought her a piano because she likes to play. Dose she ever play it…..NO. She says he likes to knit so I buy here knitting stuff and she doesn’t use it. Do you see a pattern here? She won’t even drive a car by herself to go to the store. What she says is it is just not fun for her to go out by herself but I feel like that is not a healthy way to live. I feel like she is very co-dependent and it is warring on me. Every time I want to play a game she make me feel like I don’t care about her, that I am putting my game time before her. I can understand if I was playing for hours and hours day after day. But I am not!! I am lucky if I get 30 min of game time a week. So when I want to play a game I ask her if it is ok…..which I feel is stupid. I am not a kid and I feel like I shouldn’t have to ask her permission. Then she will ask “well how long are you going to play for” which bugs the hell out of me. Once again I am not a kid and it feels like the only way I can play a game is by her rules. I feel like if she had it her way I would be attached to her at all times. I don’t drink, I don’t spend hours working on cars, and I don’t hang out with the guys. The only thing I do is play games and I do it because it is a way to escape from all the stress I have. And let me tell you I get pretty stressed out because of what happened to me. I know some people will say it is just a game or that I need to grow up. The way I look at is at least I am at home doing a hobby that is at home. You know….I am not drinking my sorrows away and I am not escaping and leaving home. Am I the one that needs to change or is it her? When I try to compromise with her it doesn’t work…..it’s her way or no way. I would really appreciate your help on this.


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## LucyInSC

No it's not you. Your wife has the problem. In my opinion you should be able to play your games if you want. Not sure why she is so controlling and demanding every second of your attention but she is insecure and afraid of something. Try to keep communicating.


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## GPR

This sounds like a much deeper problem here than just game time. 

I know it can be stressful. I've been there ( and still there ).

To me (I'm not a doctor in any way) it sounds like your wife has some anxiety or depression problems. Honestly, you can try to get her to go out with friends, do other things, but there is a small chance it will work. It's always worth a try, but I doubt it.

Have you confronted her about it at all? Has she given any reasons for it? I honestly could see your accident causing some of these feelings. I don't know for sure, just a guess, but maybe your accident (which if you lost your limbs, it's not a stretch to think that you could easily have died) and the near death has created a feeling in her that she needs to be around you all the time. 

If nothing else, it sounds like she (and likely both of you) could benefit from some counseling to figure out what the issues are here. 

But just so you know, that you are right, it's not normal to be that way, and it DOES create stress, resentment and other feelings on you that wear you down after time.


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## MarkTwain

woundedsoldier-

Very sorry to hear about your legs. It's good that you have written in to remind us how war has real consequences.

As to your gaming... if you want to spend a few hours a week doing that, why haven't you told her that's the way it's going to be? Why seek her permission for something that's not out of the ordinary.

If here controlling behaviour masking something else?


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## woundedsoldier

Thanks everyone for helping me out. She has always been like this even before I was injured. When i was in the army I was away a lot. I was injured on my second tour 6 months in on a 15 month deployment. I was stationed in fort Lewis for 6 years and I think with all the training events and deployments I was gone for at least 4 years. So I know it was hard for her. And now that I am not in the army I feel like she is overcompensating for the time that was lost. She doesn’t want me to be gone not even for a day. There are times that I can't sleep and I want to just be by myself. She will throw the biggest fit if I want to stay up while she sleeps. So I have to go to bed when she want to and if I try talk to her about it turn into a huge fight. Mark Twain....I have tried to tell her that that what I am going to do but you don’t understand how big of a fight it causes. I have told her that I’m 31 and I don't have to ask you if I can play a game but she I very good at twisting words and making it seem like I don't love her because I want to spend some time by myself. It is getting to the point that I don't want to be married to her. I have tried to get her interested in things she likes but she NEVER doses them. All she does is complain.


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## MarkTwain

woundedsoldier-

I feel you are mixing up two distinct things. There is what you want to do, and there is her reaction. You can chose what you want to do, but you can't dictate her reaction. So if you play on a computer for an hour, and she kicks up a stink. That's her business. It's different if you wanted to play for 6 hours straight, but you're not.

However, I wonder if she is the way she is now because she feels she nearly lost you in action. My wife hated me working away because she was worried I was a fast and dangerous driver. She hated me being on the roads in case I got killed. Now magnify that by 10 million, and you have your wife's state of mind.

In short, she sounds like she has her own version of PTSD, over what happened to you. I don't think it's right to give her her own way all the time, but what she _does _need is some help to get over it.


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## MsLady

Wow, she sounds very co-dependent. If I were you, I'd let her know that you love her and that you are worried about her inability to enjoy some time on her own doing her hobbies and to let you enjoy yours. Then I would ask her to please go to counseling to address this. She's suffocating you.

Also, get the book "Mating in Captivity" (though there are gentler ones out there you can search out) and you should both read it. It talks about how too much interdependent/co-dependence and enmeshment actually kills passion in a relationship. I read it because my husband used to be like that (well, not nearly as bad as your wife) but he was pretty clingy and it used to drive me crazy. He's really come around in that area as he has seen that us spending time apart doesn't make the world crumble.

It's an anxiety issue and an insecurity issue (both of which my husband suffers from) and it sounds like your wife is there too. She needs professional help.


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## woundedsoldier

Mark Twain......I see what you are saying but she has been like this from the get go. I can remember when we were first married and at that time I was not in the army. I did a 3 year tour and got out that when I met my wife. I remember I was working a Circuit City and at that time my wife was pregnant. She would call me on my cell phone30-40 times a day. I would be on the phone with her for hours and it ultimately made me lose my job. So it has been a problem from the beginning. To MsLady, I have tried asking her to go to counseling but she doesn’t feel like it is a problem. And when I try to talk to her she get really defensive and it turns into a fight. I will look up the book you mentioned though.


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## GPR

I get what you are saying. It's a very tricky situation. It's not easy to explain to your wife that you love that you need to not be around me so much. It's easy for them to take this and run with it into a "you don't love me" kind of thing. People in this type of situation appear to have a talent for being able to manipulate people back into what they want, instead of actually tacking stock in anything that is said. It's a tough thing to do...

I'm no professional, but maybe YOU should talk to one. See if the two of you together can work something out to get her some help. 

Other than that, you are just going to have to attempt to put your foot down. It may cause a fight, but you will have to do your best to stay calm and try to get your point across. No yelling, raising voice. Don't ever attack her or anything like that... just try to put it out there. Like I said, it's not an easy thing to do, and it's not guaranteed to work, but I personally don't know what else to do.


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## woundedsoldier

Thank you for your advise. I will try to talk to her tonight and see what happens.


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## MarkTwain

woundedsoldier said:


> Mark Twain......I see what you are saying but she has been like this from the get go. I can remember when we were first married and at that time I was not in the army. I did a 3 year tour and got out that when I met my wife. I remember I was working a Circuit City and at that time my wife was pregnant. She would call me on my cell phone30-40 times a day. I would be on the phone with her for hours and it ultimately made me lose my job.


To let her make you lose your job sounds like weakness on your part. You have faced life in a war zone and fought courageously for your country, yet you cave in to your wife. It's high time you dealt with this head on. It's not about the gaming, it's something else.


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## Blanca

woundedsoldier said:


> HMy wife wants every second to be spent with her. If I touch my computer my wife start nagging me to get off and spend time with her so I do. This happens every day, whenever I want to do something by myself she basically manipulates me to do what she wants me to do and I feel like I am going crazy. She doesn’t do anything by herself. She likes to scrapbook and I have bought tons and tons of scrapbooking stuff for her but she never touches it. I have bought her a piano because she likes to play. Dose she ever play it…..NO. She says he likes to knit so I buy here knitting stuff and she doesn’t use it. Do you see a pattern here? She won’t even drive a car by herself to go to the store.


That pretty much sounds like my H and I. Not as much anymore, but i do tend to be exceptionally clingy. 

It really helped my H and I to do boundary books together. I still struggle with wanting him to do everything with me, and he still struggles saying no, but its much better now since we are both on the same page. I know he has the right to say no, and its not b/c he doesnt love me. and he knows that when he does say no, that even if i give him a guilt trip, he can walk away from it. and i realize my guilt trip is manipulative. 

so we are still working through it, but at least we are now on the same page.


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## Blanca

woundedsoldier said:


> I remember I was working a Circuit City and at that time my wife was pregnant. She would call me on my cell phone30-40 times a day. I would be on the phone with her for hours


oh man, ya i used to do this. when we first moved, i would call him all the time. and email him. if he didnt pick up the phone, i would freak out. and i mean hysterical. my poor H was so stressed out. he still has PTSD from it all.


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## psychocandy

Yeh. I get freaked if I text my wife and she doesnt reply INSTANTLY. Or if she doesnt put an x on the end of her reply !!!

Is that weird or what?


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## uncharted

Hi Wounded, I only came across the site yesterday in my search on the internet for the exact problem that you are having. I have been a gamer all my life and I have been married for 3 months. I only played game on my console during the evning for a few hours on a Friday & Saturday night. However my wife & i had a fight and the console in now banished forever. No amount of talking will make her see any different. She just does not understand games and thinks im sad for playing them. I dont spend all my time playing them & of course i make time for her, but she just wont come round. Have you sorted out your yet and if so can you let me know how you did it?


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## MEM2020

Thank you for your service to the country. I am sorry you were so badly injured and hope the military is providing well for you. 

Your wife has a serious problem. Games are a totally legit and healthy hobby. Way better than tv. She has a serious mental issue. I truly think if it was me, I would tell her - look I think an hour a day of us doing separate things is healthy and we need to do that. If you really think that is bad, then we have to go to a marriage counselor. It is not optional I am setting up an appointment for both of us. 

She knows she is not playing fair which is why she will fight you so hard on the MC. If she won't go, you should do IC. The T may help you develop coping skills. 




Vicktory said:


> wounded, I know im way late to this party, but man you and I could talk for hours about our similarities - with the controlling, obsessive wife, and not being able to play games.
> 
> Let me know if this is still going on, i'm battling the SAME issue currently. At the very least we could vent to each other.


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## EternalBacheor

"I was in the army for 11 years and I was wounded 2 years ago. I lost both my legs in an IED explosion."

You are a patriot. Anyone who has suffered this type of injury in defense of their county should not have to worry about how much time he is spending playing a video game.


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## keeper

Hey there. a wife here with a bigtime gaming husband. I know this thread is pretty old... But if you happen to come back and read your thread I just wanted to tell you what my husband did and how I reacted. 

There are certain times, durring financial stress, lack of sleep or whatever, that I have felt needy and wanting attention. My husband gives me plenty of attention, but at those times, if he were to start a football game, or turn on the TV I would react sadly and I would think he didn't want to spend time with me.

He began getting me interested in gaming, and watching him play. He asked me to come lay next to him, and tried to talk to me about the "cool" stuff he was doing. He told me about a few xbox360 games we could do together, and bought me a controller, and we play them now as a stress relief together. THere's some pretty cool multiplayer games such as 1 vs 100, and even some girly games you could get her. 

There are still times when I feel he plays too much. But he makes compliments and notices things like my new toenail polish color, asks about my day and lets me talk before he "logs on". Communication is key! The way you speak, the tone of your voice, the choice of words you use. It can totally flip a woman's perspective, because women tune into details. 

I really hope everything turns out okay! There's a great book called The DNA of Relationships that you could read together... and they make controllers in PINK!


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## uncharted

Hey people,
Firstly thank you very much for your very helpfull insight Keeper.
I wonder should I get my wife to read this.
Anyway, we went to a counsellor last night to discuss "My problem". My problem according to my wife is that i spend too much time on gaming. Too much time is maybe half dozen hours a week.
We went to the counsellor & she told him that this would end our marraige & that I was addicted to gaming.
Two things happened then, the counsellor totaly focused on my and my problem & also likened playing games to a form our "electronic heroin"
The resuly of the session was that my wife was extreamly happy with it.
You know this whole thing for me has got worse because she has forbidden me ever to play it again. It makes me feel resentfull of her because I believe she treats me like a child. Of course the counsellor did not pick up on this.
Keeper, she refuses point blank to try and understand games and would never sit down with me to play them. I have taken her on holidays, weekend trips etc & I just ask for a few hours of me time, to play some games..Now there was one weekend that I did spend more time than I should of & I realise that, and I have tried to come up with a comprimise since, but no joy.
However as a long time gamer i feel i must hang up my controller in order to keep my controlling wife.


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## LadyEm

Does your wife have any girlfriends?

Years ago, before I met my husband, I had been engaged to a man. I was very similar to the way your wife behaves...I constantly had to go everywhere with him, call him, etc etc. I never realized my issue until a girlfriend approached me and shared her concern.

Sometimes it's more difficult to tell her she has a problem; she'll most likely disagree. Try a different approach. Most people become codependent due to childhood incidents or traumatic experiences. In my case, I had a difficult time getting along with my parents, so when I met my ex, I became overly attached. So, try having a regular discussion about childhood experiences. Try discussing things, together, about traumatic experiences. Don't focus on getting her to reveal issues by herself, you'll probably have to be a part of it as well. If possible, buy a book about codependency, or read an article online together; don't hand it to her and tell her it's what she needs to hear. Although she's the one who needs the help, she'll be less likely to realize it alone.

My husband is a gamer himself, and he began at a young age when his dad became very sick. It was his way of coping and escaping, similar to your situation. Try making plans in advance to spend time with her, after you get your game time in. Like, "I'll play for an hour, then we can go out together."

So sorry you've been dealing with this. Good luck.


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## Critter

I just thought that I would bring up a different idea as to why your wife is acting this way. My husband likes to play Xbox. I never used to mind it when we were dating but he always stopped his game if I ever came over in order to devote all of his attention to me. When we moved in together, I began needing him a lot more than I ever did when we were dating. He would play Xbox at his leisure and leave a little time for me here and there. But the thing is, that when he was doing things with me, he never devoted all of his energy and emotion into our time together. I still felt very unfulfilled even after spending hours with him or going out to dinner with him. You see, women need to connect completely when doing things with their significant others in order for it to be considered "time spent together". You (or my husband for that matter) just being in the room or doing something simply because she wanted to doesn't always cut it. We want to know that you love us enough to put all of your energy into something that means a lot to us. It's just the idea that you want to that excites us and keeps us fulfilled and happy.
I still don't feel connected to him and I find myself despising his hobbies (hunting, fishing, gaming, etc.) because he devotes all of his emotion into them instead of into me and our marriage. Maybe your wife is feeling the same way that I am about it. You might try talking to her and letting her know that you need your own time to enjoy your hobbies, just as she does but assure her that she has all of you no matter what activity you are engaging in that doesn't involve her. Sometimes, a little reassurance is all it takes. 

Try doing things with her that YOU have suggested or planned on your own. She might surprise you and be happy to engage in another activity while you are gaming. 

On another note, it may be that she has a heavy codependency on you. But I wouldn't always draw that assumption at first. Do some investigating. GOOD LUCK!


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## Critter

Ok, let me just say I know that there are some of those clingy types out there and they are just not to be helped unless it is professionally. They will need to work through their own issues before their husbands (or wives) can even begin to do anything to help the issue. Those are not the types that I am referring to.

What I mean by what I said is that, sometimes, you could be engaged in an activity and still not make a connection with your wife on the level that she needs. I'm referring to an emotional level, which I know if touchy for guys. Women want to feel like you WANT to be at the grocery store with them, and want to help them with a craft project, or whatever it is that your wife likes to do or asks you to do with her.

I feel this way about my husband right now. Even though he spends time with me (mostly it is doing things that I have suggested (or begged) him to do, such as going to look at houses, taking the dog for a walk in the park, etc.) I don't feel like he really wants to be there doing those things and he is just trying to appease me so I'll shut up and leave him alone. Now, regardless of whether or not he is thinking that he acts distant, or in a hurry to be finished with the activity and I am left feeling very unfulfilled; like it was just another one of his chores. At least PRETEND to want to do it. I mean, I have to PRETEND that I like watching football and hog hunting in the swamp because he enjoys me tagging along for those types of activities. 

So, maybe it is that wounded's wife feels like he is not emotionally engaged in the activity that she feels is important to her so she is not getting enough and therefore resents him for being so intent to play computer games and dedicate his passion to his own hobby rather than to his wife. Does that make sense? I know my husband doesn't understand so maybe I'm just talking jibberish! 

In response to the comment you wanted explained; It is a very satisfying feeling for my husband to come to me and suggest going to yard sales(which requires him to get up WAAY too early and look at a bunch of junk that he cares nothing about - and yes, I know how he feels about it, but still want him to tag along) just because I have been saying how it would be fun to go some time. 

Instead of me having to initiate the activity, he listens (in theory) to what I said a week ago and acts on his own free will to do something that he doesn't want to do just to make me happy. Sometimes, it's just the though that counts. 

Maybe your wife doesn't want you to urge her to call her family, and doesn't care about the camera you bought her unless YOU suggest going out with her to take photographs sometimes. You don't have to go every time. Just now and then to keep her happy and to keep the bond strong between you. Believe it or not, most women WANT their husbands to know what they are doing in their free time. It makes for some conversation, and it makes us feel cared about. Try asking her if she has taken any good photos lately and ask to look at them and listen to her tell you all the gory details of apertures and focus and film, even though you don't care, it makes us feel special rather than you just buying us some expensive toy and pushing us off on our friends. I promise you that we do this for you on a regular basis...I can guarantee you that there is NOTHING enjoyable about washing you dirty underwear, worrying about what to cook for dinner every night but we put on a happy face and usually don't even say anything about it. And the reason is to appease you guys. See what I'm getting at? 

And maybe it would be good to suggest you both getting together with some mutual friends (married couples, even) and having dinner instead of telling her to go off and do something on her own with her friends. 

In your defense, I don't think it's fair for any wife to require you to be at her beck and call 6.5 days out of the week. It's all a matter of using your time, together and apart, wisely. You can have time together where you are doing your own things and just the company is comforting, but make sure that before you put all your focus on those times that your wife is satisfied and fulfilled for the most part. Please don't let me mislead you...we aren't always going to be happy. There will always be something, welcome to the real world. But women need to feel mostly fulfilled to sustain or your marriage will just fall apart. Trust me, I'm working on that one right now.

Here's an example:
One of my hobbies is knitting, I have a biweekly knitting group that I go to. My husband knows when I will be gone and for how long and that is a perfect opportunity for him to jack up the AC, strip down to his boxers and play xbox for 3 hours straight. I'm fine with that, and I don't ever say anything to him about it. Sometimes he even goes out for beers with the guys. I get my time, and he gets his. But I don't want to come home and have him ignore me for the rest of the night because he is in xbox land. I think it is his responsibility to monitor his time with video games just as I don't stay out all night at my knitting group. See what I'm saying? Please let me clarify further if you don't. 

Also, I felt like I needed my husband more when we moved in together because I wanted to share that time that we had always lost by living in separate homes with him and get to know him more during those times. I guess it's just me, but I wanted to get to know him better and I needed to feel a closer connection to him if we were going to have to be around each other forever.

Please ask me more questions. If I can help you understand your wife more I would be delighted. just wish my husband would get one here and read up on it!


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## Critter

Vicktory, after reading your post, I want to say that I am in no way harping on you or any other guys for being gamers or having their hobbies and wanting to participate in them. I just thought I could help you understand why your wife might feel resentment towards you or your hobby because she is not being fulfilled completely.

I think Keeper said it best when she said "There are still times when I feel he plays too much. But he makes compliments and notices things like my new toenail polish color, asks about my day and lets me talk before he "logs on". Communication is key!"

Her husband notices her and THEN goes to play his games...it's all about give and take!


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## uncharted

Hi Critter & Vicktory,
What a very interesting post. Vicktory I feel like im your double. My wife just blankly refuses to allow me to play console games. Basically its either the games or the marraige. Now thats the option I have. Its very black & white. Of course I will choose my marraige because I love my wife and want to make a life with her. However i am in a position where she will not talk about it. Don't get me wrong, I have played it for too long sometimes and for that I have told my wife I am truely sorry for not spending time with her. I go for walks with her, I go shopping with her & we go our for dinner together. We watch movies together etc. But she will not allow me to play games. I think i have been put in an unfair position to choose between the games and the marraige cause she knows I will choose the marraige.
We have gone to a counsellor as described earlier in the thread, & she was delighted with him.
We are going to another counsellor next week so I will try and make my point of view known. The problem I have is that if I decided to build model trains, she would at some point ban me from doing that. Its her way or no way.
You have made for very good reading Critter. I understand that we may not be fulfilling each others needs. So I must change that right now. 
I dont go out to bars drinking, I dont go to football games, I don't go off to parties with my mates, all I ask is for a bit of "me" time to enjoy something in the comfort of our home.
But by forcing me into this decision i feel is very unfair.
Anyway I will wait till we see the counsellor, however she says that when we go I better not say anything that will make her feel uncomfortable. So there is no way i will get a fair trial on this. She does not want me to talk about her needy personality.
I will keep you updated..


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## Critter

uncharted, I am sorry that your wife has put you in that situation. I don't mean to demean her but it seems like she has some insecurities of her own that she must work out before she will be comfortable with you doing your own thing or having your own time. I admit, I get this way something, but then I have to remember that he needs his time too and when he says he is going to do something on his own, I don't mope around waiting for him to be done, or come home, I just make it into some ME time. I'll go shopping with my mom, or meet up with some friends or even go to the bookstore and drink coffee and read books.

Those things are not for him to suggest that I do though, I have to make the decision on my own not to whine about the situation and to, instead, make the best of it. It is your wife's responsibility to find another activity while you are doing your own.

I hope that my posts don't make you feel like it is your fault that she is so needy. That's not what I was getting at AT ALL! I just thought I would help shed some light on a woman's perspective of the hobbies/gaming. I don't have a problem with those things at all, as long as I don't feel neglected because of them. See what I mean? Give and take.


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## Critter

Just wanted to reference another post from the Men's Clubhouse entitled "Advice for men: How to get more sex from your wife". This is a good one in my opinion. Even if it doesn't help in the sex department, it could help your wife feel a bit more connected to you and fulfilled.


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## uncharted

Hi guys, yes she does indeed have insecurities. I mean she is a very demanding person. Its black & white with her, her way or the high way. At work I would normally go to the christmas party, which means a night away from her with my work buddies. We get a flight and we stay at a hotel and have some beers and a wee bit of fun. Now she told me that if i go then we will end up having seperate holidays. So that is the choice I have to make. Of course I dont want seperate holidays from my wife so I must choose not to go to the christmas party with my work buddies. 
She is also the type of person who must ensure that the house is spotless. She cleans it pretty much every day. I mean it is shining. But I dont mind that, thats just the way it is. It was always ok cause I could get away on my own for a bit and play some games.
She wants to go walking every evening and she visits someone out of her family pretty much every day. If I dont go with her then she tell her family "oh he is at home locked away playing his games".
But if i don't do wjat she likes the she mocks me to her family.
When I try to talk about her demanding ways she get so defensive and throws it back to me. I try to stay calm but its hard. The conversation never gets finished because she is right and always raises her voice to ensure she is heard.
No problem in the sex department and we are very open minded people.
I sure am seen by the counsellor as the bad guy. Its not like i want him to take my side, but as I was never at a counsellor before in my life i was un sure of how it works. 
I thought that after the sessions we would both realise that we both have wants & needs and that we should be able to compremise so that we both get something out of it.
Luckily at the moment there are no kids involved.
Im seriously wondering how to salvage this marraige. I mean how can we be happy if one partner is demanding the other partner do things that they don't like??
The playstation was something I really enjoyed relaxing to. But I know that if I were to choose a different hobby then down the roads she would demand that i not do it because it takes up too much time. Sometimes i feel like screeming. It feels like im walking a tight rope with a noose around my neck. Im screwed either way.
I try to do everything I can to please her. I do all the DIY around the house, do all the gardening, I go to the shops with her, we go for drives together, we go out for meals together & we go for a beer together, i help to clean the house.
Am I unrealistic as to ask her for those few hours "me" time. How many hours "me" time is a person allowed?


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## Critter

Uncharted, FIRST: I suggest that you find a different counselor. Just because they have the title doesn't mean they are a good doctor or psychologist or whatever. A good counselor should be the middle man and will not side with either party. This is only making things worse for you two. 

SECOND: and sadly, you will not be able to make her realize her controlling ways by telling her. Especially if you have already tried to mention it and she got defensive. The ball is in her court and it is her responsibility to realize it on her own in order to fix it (if at all). 

Maybe you should suggest a separation. As manipulative as it sounds, it might open her eyes. Don't just sit back and take what you view as abuse from her. You are the only one who can control the outcome of your own situation. But right now you are allowing her to control you. I understand that you love your wife and that the idea of a separation might make you worry. But if she really wants to be with you and respect you as her husband, she needs to see that she can't treat you that way anymore and she has to step up and change her attitude. 

If you want a change, you might have to take drastic measures. If you want to be with your wife and have a happy marriage, you have to stand up for it and not let it be one sided. NOW!

As vicktory said, when you have children, they will view you as their equal and that it the last thing that you want. This issue should be resolved before you even talk about having children. If she is not willing to change or compromise and you are miserable then maybe this was just not meant to be. One day she might see the light and realize that she was wrong for treating you that way but she may not. It may be best to let her find someone else who likes the abuse and wants to be miserable forever.

I know that sounds harsh and you might still be able to talk with her about it if you try really hard and are persistent. 
Hang in there. Things will get better for you no matter what. Just remember, you are the only one that controls what happens in your life!

Good Luck!


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