# when does it get easier?



## abbie666 (Apr 15, 2017)

I'm a month into no contact and no plans to get back in touch with him.......he made it very clear that he does not want reconciliation and invented a huge drama to pretend we cannot be in contact.

Our breakup was very painful, ugly and involved a woman 20 years younger than me, a mountain of lies and verbal and emotional abuse.

So, I know it is the best thing for me to move on and forget him as he has been incredibly cruel and deceitful....... but when does the heart catch up with the head and when does no contact help to subdue the pain and the constant images of them both together?

I'm trying to keep busy and to distract myself...but I still struggle to understand any of it and I particularly cannot understand why a man who supposedly loved me for 7+ years, could treat me so badly. Most of all, I cannot understand why I am dwelling so much and miss him.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I hate to tell you this but right now you are really in the early stages. Just stay the course, it gets better but it takes a little while.


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## abbie666 (Apr 15, 2017)

thank you - DDay was mid March and I have tried NC a couple of times since then but only a month ago after him behaving incredibly badly,did I finally accept he was choosing the OW and wasn't coming home.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Have you seeked professional help? Are you on some form of anti depressants and maybe some anti-anxiety meds as well? These may help you through these terrible times. Do you have close friends you can talk to about your huge loss? Are you keeping busy trying to rebuild your life without him or are you sulking alone at home?

If you work, then you may want to get deeper into work. If you don't go out much and you have too much down time, then seek hobbies and single friends to start going out more to distract yourself at this point in your life. You will feel like you are carrying an anvil on your chest for quite a while. Sadly, this is normal, but you must find distractions that will help you forget about this darn weight on Your chest. 

Be patient with yourself. You csn't rush healing, you gotta get through it. When the mind movies come, shift your thojghts to a time when you were happy without him. He is no longer a part of your life anymore, any good memories of the two of you will lead right back to where you are now and the pain will be incredible, so it is best to shut everything that has to do with him out until that anvil gets off your chest.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Seek IC, you will look back and think you are well rid of him.


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## abbie666 (Apr 15, 2017)

I'm in counselling...I've talked and talked to my friends...working hard and taking anti anxiety...but I still wake up each night and the pain in the chest stings with stress. Knowing he is happily moving on whilst I suffering doesn't help .....I KNOW what I should be doing and feeling but it is just still so painful and after a month of NC, I'm hoping that the no new information to obsess over will eventually kick in and help me!

The piece I struggle with is why I'm still upset after everything he has done.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

It does take a while, and it will always be a part of you.
But you can use the knowledge to make yourself better and stronger, and more resilient against the same kind of treatment from other people in your future.

It's good to have safe places to vent. I think it's personally good to keep a journal with your thoughts. Writing them down helps you to process them so they aren't stuffed inside. You may not want to tell people about your deepest thoughts... there are many people who can't keep a lid on your private affairs and will share with others. It's really no one else's business.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Married or LT BF?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I bet part of your issue is that you imagine the ow won some great prize. 

Us women can be competitive this way. 

But the reality is that she won a piece of **** 20+ years older. 

Nobody knows better than you what she got. 

He "chose" her? Well isn't she fortunate.


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## abbie666 (Apr 15, 2017)

lived together, owned a home together


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

abbie,

You wrote, *Knowing he is happily moving on whilst I suffering doesn't help ...*

Take a look at your watch and mark the calendar too, this woman who is 20 years younger than him is going to tire of him usually in two years, and then have a another affair to get away from him. 

Did you expose WH and the OW, if not get to work.

Tamat


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

abbie666 said:


> I'm in counselling...I've talked and talked to my friends...working hard and taking anti anxiety...but I still wake up each night and the pain in the chest stings with stress. Knowing he is happily moving on whilst I suffering doesn't help .....I KNOW what I should be doing and feeling but it is just still so painful and after a month of NC, I'm hoping that the no new information to obsess over will eventually kick in and help me!
> 
> The piece I struggle with is why I'm still upset after everything he has done.


You are still upset after everything he has done because love doesn't come with a shut off valve. It took you time to fall in love with your WH, it is going to take time for that love to go away too. You are doing everything you can. Sadly, you must also mourn your loss. No other way but through it.:frown2:

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? Do you live in a big city? Any kids?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

This is going to take a lot more time than you are giving it. Especially the way this went down which is you didn’t lose something, you didn’t leave something, but rather something was taken from you. That hurts more because you have no control or power in changing it. Trust me I have been there.

It took about 4 years and finally some therapy For me to say without a doubt I was over it and her. 

This will take time. That doesn’t mean you sit around and wait. Start making a plan for your future and execute. The heart will get there eventually.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

abbie666 said:


> I'm a month into no contact and no plans to get back in touch with him.......he made it very clear that he does not want reconciliation and invented a huge drama to pretend we cannot be in contact.
> 
> Our breakup was very painful, ugly and involved a woman 20 years younger than me, a mountain of lies and verbal and emotional abuse.
> 
> ...


You're still in the most difficult stage when there is a lot of relentless emotional pain. I imagine that it is also difficult for you to sleep and eat. At this stage, remind yourself that this misery won't last forever. After three months, the most intense part should be over and you can actually begin to heal and have moments of actually enjoying life again.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Time and keeping yourself busy really are the only ways through the pain to the healing. I can remember having a lightbulb moment, where I realized that I was the only one keeping myself miserable. I was allowing my ex and his ex wife turned re-wife to occupy space in my head, and I was making myself crazy. I was the only one doing this to myself, and no amount of self torment would have any affect on their lives or change my situation. I found that by shouting "STOP" out loud at myself actually helped me refocus my thoughts away from them. (when alone of course, lol, had to be in my head when I was working) They are horrible, disgusting people, and I am better off without them in my life. You are brand new into this, so be gentle with yourself. You cannot just turn off your love for someone... IF ONLY. You will never get an answer as to WHY, because there is no why beyond the fact that your STBX is selfish.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

abbie666 said:


> I'm in counselling...I've talked and talked to my friends...working hard and taking anti anxiety...but I still wake up each night and the pain in the chest stings with stress. Knowing he is happily moving on whilst I suffering doesn't help .....I KNOW what I should be doing and feeling but it is just still so painful and after a month of NC, I'm hoping that the no new information to obsess over will eventually kick in and help me!
> 
> The piece I struggle with is why I'm still upset after everything he has done.


Oh honey, I can feel your pain. Although my husband didn't actually leave, he also had an affair years ago with a younger woman, and I was devastated, not sleeping, lost 20 lbs (I wasn't overweight to begin with.)

You are doing all the right things. One thing I would suggest is to try to keep NC. My greatest suffering post A was that I have to see my husband regularly...he is one of my triggers. Also that I had to see or hear about the OW through mutual friends.

Can you move away to a new environment where your husband and OW don't live? If you can reduce the triggers, you will heal quicker and not reopen wounds that are still tender.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

The first step for me was to realize that nobody is coming to save me. It didn't matter how much I cried, it didn't matter how miserable I was, it didn't matter how much I wished, no one could do anything for me but me. That was when I took the bull by the horns and began digging my way out of my misery and pain. It didn't happen overnight, but when it did! Today it has not quite been three years since my divorce became final, but everyday I think "thank goodness!" Stay strong and take charge!


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

It will take a while for you to really believe the lousy person that he is rather than the one you thought you knew.

He still gets some of the rose colored glasses rather than the bright sunlight shining on the real person he is and that he could do that.

Hope you get out of the house ownership with him. 20 years younger- he is back in his teenage years? or something. This relationship will not have staying power.


Start doing things to help you feel better about yourself.

exercise helps me. hope you can figure out what helps you, but get past it. I keep drinking the poison of anger waiting for her to get sick, but it only impacts me, not her.

Good luck to you. You will get help in IC and find someone that is real.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

abbie666 said:


> thank you - DDay was mid March and I have tried NC a couple of times since then but only a month ago after him behaving incredibly badly,did I finally accept he was choosing the OW and wasn't coming home.


So my post was probably a downer for you, I wish I could tell you you will be better a week from next Tuesday, but that is just not how it works. The truth is it's the hardest thing I have ever gone through, and I have been through some crap. 

I will tell you what my Mother told me. If you can get through this you can get through anything. Use that. Once you get through it and you will use it to make you strong. Think of it like chemotherapy or boot camp. You just get your head down and get through. But don't wallow in it. Find stuff that gives you joy and embrace that, then save that for your whole life. One thing you learn is you need a broad spectrum of things that make you happy that way you are not too dependent on one thing, that includes your SO. 

It's gonna take a while but each day gets better and easier. Kind of like dieting. Your brain has to relearn stuff. Rest assured though you will get over this.


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## abbie666 (Apr 15, 2017)

Update .... So after everything he has done and said... And nearly 5 weeks into last contact.... He bumped into neighbour in town and said to him "Abbie and I are on a break at the moment and trying to work this through"!!!! What on earth!! It's a bit more that!!


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

He does not want to be seen by the community as the POS he is. So he lies.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

TDSC60 said:


> He does not want to be seen by the community as the POS he is. So he lies.


This.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its very early days, these things take a lot of time to go through. Remember its a bereavement just as if he had died, in fact worse because of the betrayal. 
You wouldn't expect someone whose partner had died to be over it in a few weeks or months would you. 

You have no need to contact him, you have no divorce to go through.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

I am going to address your confusion as to how someone who loved you for 7 years could be so mean.

In my opinion, from experience, this is how a weak man gets out of a relationship. Consciously or unconsciously, it is an attempt to drive you away - to get you to want to leave - so he does not have to pull the trigger or feel the blame. They also start to believe their own rhetoric, which tells them you deserve to be treated that way because you are so awful. Again, shifts blame.

You are better off. He turned on you. He is not an upstanding man. Sorry for you pain. 

As for getting over it: I am guessing that somewhere inside you is a kernel of belief in the lies he told you and the abuse. Maybe you think you could have done something differently and things would have worked out, or if only you were a little more....whatever. And, you probably still believe you lost something worthwhile. No, you didn't.

All the best to you.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

abbie666 said:


> lived together, owned a home together


I'll assume NO kids together?

Be thankful your not married to the POS. You need to get a Lawyer to dispose of mutual assets then move on from him like yesterday. Be honest with yourself... You have been together for 7+ years and marriage was never a really going to happen. 

You ask? When does it get easier? I think you know the answer. When you except that your BF was never going to fully commit and that you knew it was a real possibility he could walk out the door with very little personal damage. 

Do you really want to wait around for someone like him?


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

You're hurt because you want something you can't have: Closure. 

You want to know why he's doing this, and how he can so callously do it. 

But even once you know the truth, that doesn't make everything go away. Then you have to process it, and understand it. Judging from the situation though, I don't think you're going to get that. 


So instead, just move on. It's better to learn how to move on and be able to live your life, than to constantly wonder about the past, and obsess over it. Because you either learn how to let go and move on, or it consumes you.


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## Osito79 (Oct 22, 2017)

When you figure that out can you let me know please?


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