# Wife makes all of the important decisions. There is no 2 way street.



## philbilly (Oct 19, 2008)

My wife and I get along for the most part except when it comes time to make any major decisions. To make a long story short we talk about a problem. We disagree on the problem. She lets me talk myself out seemingly without putting up a fight then when I am just exhausted she never says a word and the argument is over. Then she just does whatever she wants.

An example of this is when our son started school this fall. I went to public school and she went to private school. We live in a nice school district. We argued about it several times and by argued I mean I argued and she just let me talk myself out. When it came time she enrolled him in private school and paid the first months tuition and later informed me of this. BTW we can't afford private school I honestly don't know where the money is coming from to pay for this. That's another thread. 

When I questioned her about the above she said that this was an important decision and she is not willing to bend on important decisions. And she said that she is unwilling to apologize for doing what she thinks is right regardless of what I think about it. I said so basically I only have a say in unimportant decisions like where to eat for dinner and what to watch on TV. She said "yep" 

This is a story that just replays over and over again in our relationship. She gets here marching orders fro her mother and does what she is told.

Another example is when we purchased our children bunk beds. We both had some reservations about getting bunk beds because the kids could fall out so we made sure to buy one with high rails. We ordered the bed and told her parents about it at my daughters birthday party that next day. Her mother made this big scene where she cried and blubbered and made these accusations that we were knowingly putting our children in danger and how could we do that and on and on. The next day without discussing it with me she called the furniture store and canceled the bed. We lost our deposit. It wasn't very much but still. When i confronted her about this she basically repeated what her mom had said and even started crying herself.

HELP!


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Marriage is SUPPOSED to be a 2 way street! 

If she can't accept making a decision WITH you...tell her she can make all the future decisions without you, too! Ask her when she'll sign the papers! 

She needs to get a grip on mutual responsibilities! And to stick by the decisions you BOTH make, not how the in-laws boo-hoo. 

They had their chance! Now it's yours. Ignore them.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Sounds to me she is a very dominating person. Controls the checkbook, doesn't she? Let's you have your say, but never takes your advice. I know some people that are like that. Although a lot of people think private is better than public schools, you can't go into the poor house putting your child in there either. I know she wants what is best for her son, but she should think hard before she does this. Think.. ok, do I want a roof over my son's head and food on table for him, and clothes on his back, or do I want to waste all this money on a little less kids in a classroom, and hope he has a good teacher, and will learn more. 
There are good and bad teachers everywhere you go. Now a days it is the luck of the draw(so to speak) if you get one.


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

You need to decide if these issues are big enough to make a stink over. AND LEARN FROM THEM.
The next time you and your wife have one of these disagreements, be prepared that she will go totally against your wishes. Let her know what the consequences will be if she does. And follow through.

Marriage is a partnership. Not a one way street.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

dcrim said:


> Marriage is SUPPOSED to be a 2 way street!
> 
> If she can't accept making a decision WITH you...tell her she can make all the future decisions without you, too! Ask her when she'll sign the papers!
> 
> ...


:iagree:

draconis


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

wow this is totally unacceptable. You need to straighten this out.

My wife went to private school all her life, and I went to public school all my life.

She is more reserved and Niave to world point of views, were I am more open and accepting of society differences, she has been sheltered.

We had this discussion for our three children. My wife gave her points to why Private was better, I gave mine to why Public school was better.

We both have excellent jobs, so our different paths came to the same oppurtunities.

she challenged me to an IQ test... She LOST by 10 points :smthumbup:

So much for that elitest point of view of Private schools. 

Our public HS is rated in the top 500 in the country, the private schools in our area do not match up.

I would say depending on where you live and the quality of schools, is a big factor oin which schools. It seems where we live here in GA, the Public schools are more challenging then the private schools that are more religious based.

Your wfe is probably getting the money from her parents.

I would personally match up the scores from the private school your child is attending to the public schools.

While no school is perfect or totallly safe, you ahve to get a good feel from the administrative staff of how things are handled.

I always believed that diversity and real world education is better for a child then just test books.

But what she did to me is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE.


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## KyGuy (Oct 5, 2008)

I just saw this thread. Trust me, from someone who's been there, that you need to rein this in and take control or one day you are going to be one of those spineless, miserable old men who follow their controlling wives around like puppy dogs, jumping to their every command.

Plus, you'll totally lose her respect for being so easy to control.

Your opinion matters. Speak up! Set boundaries! Tell her that she is NOT the master of the house, and that if she is going to treat you as a second-class citizen, she can expect no cooperation from you on any matter. Then follow though if you have to.

I have a thread in the "Going Through Separation" section called End It... Or Worth Saving. Read through it and you'll see how my situation changed from my wife being in control, to me wrestling control and how our situation has changed. Things are not resolved yet, but I feel much better having taken control instead of letting her direct the course of events.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You didn't say what kind of private school and who paid for it. Was it a parochial school and her mother paid for it in secret?

I attended Catholic parochial school for 8 years, hated the arbitrary rules. However, when i then went to public high school I don't think I learned a new thing for two years. 

And as far as being sheltered from the world goes, I didn't experience that. My family's experience was more than the church community.

But back to the point, the lack of cooperation and shared goals in your marriage, for both of you. 

You should address it better with counseling. Your wife has discovered an effective method, controlling finances and ignoring your wishes. 

Maybe you ought to stop putting your paycheck money in an account that she controls - not to start WWIII. But for a time, to show her that she should respect your marriage vows. You two are a team, not dictator and serf.

Might have to assert yourself a bit more and not fear the consequences of growing a pair.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Mich...allot has to do with the two area's in which the schools lie.

Also we are talking my wife went to school in the 80's, far different then now, her education was great, but when propostioned for a menage a trois in college, she had no idea, what they were talking about, then horrified when she found out.

it's the intangles that make a worldly education different. I take my kids to NYC once a year to get a view of the greatest city on earth, they learn more about society in 1 day there, then they do a year in georgia.

But back tot he topic...it really depends on both schools, I just know my public school here is far better then any of our private schools, Up north it is a different story, the catholic schools had to compete for top talent and they made better strides in math and science then some public school systems.


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## philbilly (Oct 19, 2008)

It's not really a question of whether or not it is a good school.I like the school. They have a good track record plus it is a catholic school so my kids will get some religious education. It's just too damn expensive. We are poor people and we already pay crazy high taxes because we live in a good public school district.

Anyways none of this matters anymore because I don't want to pull him out of this school and start him all over again at a new place. 

The real question is how do I save our relationship without beig a giant woosbag. The night after I made the original post we got in an argument about this very subject because I was so fired up about it.

It ended in her telling me that she doesn't regret her decision and she won't apologize for doing the right thing. I said that "you only come to me for the little things. The big decisions you make on your own without me" She denied that. When I came up with examples of course she had excuses for everything. We basically got nowhere.

She's basically willing to live with me resenting her and her making all of the decisions. For now I'm getting by but I can't take this forever. Divorce is not and option. I would be way worse off with out her. That and I lover her very much.

I either have to stop caring that I am a giant woosbag or she has to change. I don't know how to get it through to her how serious this is or how bad it's hurting me. She is really a caring, loving person but she can also do no wrong and never says I'm sorry.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I think you need to get MIL (mother in law) out of the picture. 

I had issues with my meddling MIL, too. When my H let me know she was coming to visit (without evening asking me) i bought an airline ticket for the same time that MIL was going to be in. I left him a note outlining what id needed from him in regards to getting his mom out of our marriage. I let him know that he was going to have to choose who he wanted in his life, and if he couldn't follow the outline i made, then he made his choice and i wasn't coming back. 

Since you have kids that wont work exactly, but you need to make it very clear what will happen if she continues to be her mom's puppet.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

If divorce is not an option, then I suggest you get used to the idea of being a doormat, real quick. 

Or simply move out and live on your own for a while. You don't have to divorce to move out. 

This isn't a marriage. I'm not sure what it is (possibly some kind of security blanket for her), though.


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## Kyle Mannert (Dec 11, 2014)

not a very good one to give advise. A bit of background...was it always this way? Did you know this about here going into the marriage? What does her parents marriage look like (she is bound to be the same unless she has a desire to change), what do your parents look like? What was it about here that attracted you to her? What was it about you she liked? Hit the basics if you can and get some counseling. Control is just a symptom. It should not be my way or her way as a wise man takes wise counsel. It should be a team effort.


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