# Caregiver Burnout - Spouse



## daveinlight (10 mo ago)

Hello,
In 2015 there was a thread relating to "caregiver burnout" with a spouse, and ultimately, some form of marriage dissolution. I didn't see a concensus on the thread, and thought I'd register and ask current members.

Married 32 years, but she broke with anxiety and depression in 2007. There were childhood issues, but a wall had been built around them. Jealous university colleagues continually attacked, and eventually the emotional defenses faltered. After an initial good start with professional treatment and self-healing, she dissolved into a presence on the sofa, chain-smoking, sleeping, bathroom, and sofa. She had every illness known to man, and eventually became agoraphobic. As the Creator is my witness, I did my best to help, enhance, find a way to get medical care, deal with abuse while getting her showered and presentable.......7 years of caregiving, loving, help, loyalty, support, and living with suicidal threats many times weekly...never knowing what I'd find when I came home from work. She's super-intelligent and highly educated, but gave up somewhere inside. I couldn't develop friendships because I was always needed at home after work. About 7-8 years into this, I'd act out by purchasing something without permission after a particularly urgent threat. I found a therapist who eventually diagnosed "caregiver burnout," Apparently, this is a real "thing," and results in a lessening of joy in life and even a shorter life-span. Eventually, after a second apparent drug overdose, I called the authorities, and after she was released from observation, she was so angry, that she continually baited me into telling her to leave. Eventually, I said, "Okay, go." She moved to her Mom's condo (and her Mom began to register what I'd been dealing with). 

Three years later, she still has not moved to make the separation legal (to keep my health insurance), and things are at a standstill. Reconcilliation isn't an option, but she calls us amicable friends. She asks for cigarette runs, or grocery runs, and any altercation ends in a massive guilt trip from her. I've learned to forgive myself for saying, "go," and there is a lot of manipulation/attention-getting in play. But I need to get on with a life....move away.....and do something enjoyable in these increasingly late years. I haven't worked out the guilt in the notion of abandonment, yet. She has no friends, no one to help, but she should be able to stand on her feet and be a big girl. Despite illnesses of every sort, she bought a car, and takes an occasional out-of-town trip. There is a concert in a nearby city she will go to this weekend. Despite the fact that I still love and care, is this abandonment if I choose to move to another state and live? There is no formal financial agreement (as in "maintenance" with a legal separation). I'd just have two fixed incomes for a while until I found work in a new location. 

Thoughts?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

There's only so much a person can give of themselves until they run out of stuff to give.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"Three years later, she still has not moved to make the separation legal (to keep my health insurance), and things are at a standstill. Reconcilliation isn't an option, but she calls us amicable friends. She asks for cigarette runs, or grocery runs, and any altercation ends in a massive guilt trip from her. I've learned to forgive myself for saying, "go," and there is a lot of manipulation/attention-getting in play. But I need to get on with a life....move away.....and do something enjoyable in these increasingly late years. I haven't worked out the guilt in the notion of abandonment, yet. She has no friends, no one to help, but she should be able to stand on her feet and be a big girl. Despite illnesses of every sort, she bought a car, and takes an occasional out-of-town trip. There is a concert in a nearby city she will go to this weekend. Despite the fact that I still love and care, is this abandonment if I choose to move to another state and live? There is no formal financial agreement (as in "maintenance" with a legal separation). I'd just have two fixed incomes for a while until I found work in a new location. "

So a couple of things here that I see. FIRST, YOU can do the separation -- why are you waiting for her? You need to do this officially so that any financial debt, etc. has a date endpoint so that YOU aren't on the hook for her debts after that time. If you are really done with the marriage, why do a separation and not just go for the divorce? GET the financial stuff in a firm agreement. It's hard to plan out your life going forward without knowing this stuff (a lawyer can help you with that).

Second, you say she asks for cigarette runs, groceries, etc.. This is PURE manipulation on her part. She has a car you said and is even going to a concert that SHE wants to go see. SHE can go get her cigarettes and groceries. If she is an adult enough to go on trips and go to concerts that she does, she CAN stand on her own two feet and be a big girl -- she just wants to manipulate YOU to do this for her -- to keep you on the hook.

Start focusing on YOUR life -- work out, do hobbies, go out to a pub, whatever. You should NOT put your activities on hold so that you can go buy her cigarettes! Start making yourself scarce for her -- it will force her to do things herself instead of you enabling her to play the victim, and will help you detach and move on.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

daveinlight said:


> Hello,
> In 2015 there was a thread relating to "caregiver burnout" with a spouse, and ultimately, some form of marriage dissolution. I didn't see a concensus on the thread, and thought I'd register and ask current members.
> 
> Married 32 years, but she broke with anxiety and depression in 2007. There were childhood issues, but a wall had been built around them. Jealous university colleagues continually attacked, and eventually the emotional defenses faltered. After an initial good start with professional treatment and self-healing, she dissolved into a presence on the sofa, chain-smoking, sleeping, bathroom, and sofa. She had every illness known to man, and eventually became agoraphobic. As the Creator is my witness, I did my best to help, enhance, find a way to get medical care, deal with abuse while getting her showered and presentable.......7 years of caregiving, loving, help, loyalty, support, and living with suicidal threats many times weekly...never knowing what I'd find when I came home from work. She's super-intelligent and highly educated, but gave up somewhere inside. I couldn't develop friendships because I was always needed at home after work. About 7-8 years into this, I'd act out by purchasing something without permission after a particularly urgent threat. I found a therapist who eventually diagnosed "caregiver burnout," Apparently, this is a real "thing," and results in a lessening of joy in life and even a shorter life-span. Eventually, after a second apparent drug overdose, I called the authorities, and after she was released from observation, she was so angry, that she continually baited me into telling her to leave. Eventually, I said, "Okay, go." She moved to her Mom's condo (and her Mom began to register what I'd been dealing with).
> ...


I agree with @jlg07 why aren’t you making the move to legally end this?

I‘m pro-marriage but you’ve already ‘broken up’ and separated. Why keep up the connection at all? It’s not like you’re going to settle differences and be a happy couple again, right?

I know it’s hard when she is so needy and you are so much a rescuer but it should be clear by now that she will survive without you.

End this and move wherever you want.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You should go speak to someone if you are not. She is your wife not your child. She has no right to abuse you sick or not. You have no reason to feel guilty.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

she has some sort of mental issues.
they are not going to get better unless she is in counseling and taking the right drugs.

so why has she not been diagnosed and under treatment from a psychiatrist?

you are suck in limbo, things can not get any better until SOMETHING changes. 
so either make things change, OR divorce her. 

i am assuming there is not sex with this lump on the counch either!


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Sounds like it is time to divorce and move on.


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