# Is this a HUGE mistake? Am I going to regret this for the rest of my life?



## miscommunication (Oct 1, 2011)

My wife and I have separated. I have felt now for weeks that she was detached and cold towards me. I kept trying to break through that coldness and get to her but she just kept shutting me out. Everytime it happened I just hurt more and more. On Thursday of last week I finally couldn't take the pain anymore and asked her if we were done. She said yes. The pain of hearing her say those words is unbearable, I can only compare it to the pain I felt when I got the call that my father had killed himself. 

I decided to be the first to move out and I did so on Saturday. I've been miserable since then, I thought I was unhappy with her being distant and cold but it's nothing compared to the pain I'm feeling right now. I look back at all the mistakes that I made and all the negatives that she pointed out in me and ask if I was really that bad of a husband. Did I seriously fail her that badly or am I just trying to fault myself? 

I fear that this is the wrong thing to do (I'm actually pretty sure that it's the wrong thing to do, I can feel it in every fiber of my being) and if I will live the rest of my life in regret for not having done more to save my marriage. We are both so strong willed that we wanted to save the marriage (or so we both said) but I think that our biggest failure to each other was that neither of us was willing to admit fault or allow the other to feel validated. 

I'm sorry about the rambling thoughts but I've had very little sleep in the last 10 or so days. I'm exhuasted and missing her so badly. I would welcome any suggestions on what to do, how to lessen the pain, how to come to terms with what we have done (I wanted to say what has happened but things don't just happen.....)


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I'm so sorry, miscomm. I'm glad you are posting here, and I'm sure you'll get some good advice.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The cool thing about being the person that gets dumped is that you will never have regrets over being the one who ended it. 

Relationships are a two-way street. If you are more than willing to try again and restore your marriage, to save it, and she is not, then all you can do is know you did try your best and concede. 

It takes 2. One person alone cannot make a marriage. 

Why did you move out? You don't have to. And some judges will view that as "abandonment." If the home is also yours, I say move back. 

If you like, talk to her about how you feel. Either she will be receptive or she won't. If she's not, then chuck up the loss and spend time by yourself to figure out what things you did that contributed to where this led, as well as what things she did--so that in the future you do not repeat the same patterns.

Good luck either way.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Sorry to see that you are here, but for what it's worth welcome!

How long have you guys been married? Any kids? How old are you 2? 

One thing you will need to learn is that you cannot change or control how she feels. You are no longer a single unit, which means you will need to start taking care of yourself.

You need to eat, to figure out a way to get some sleep to start. Being exhausted and drained of starvation will only fuel the horrible way you feel.

There is much much more but it's a little at a time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Can she be having an affair? When did the problems start and why?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## miscommunication (Oct 1, 2011)

lamaga said:


> I'm so sorry, miscomm. I'm glad you are posting here, and I'm sure you'll get some good advice.


Thank you for the sympathies. And yes I'm sure I will get some advice, just wish I wasn't having to ask for it


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## miscommunication (Oct 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> The cool thing about being the person that gets dumped is that you will never have regrets over being the one who ended it.
> 
> Relationships are a two-way street. If you are more than willing to try again and restore your marriage, to save it, and she is not, then all you can do is know you did try your best and concede.
> 
> ...


I very much agree with you that it is a two person journey. i'm just sadden that she decided she didn't want to be on that journey. 

I felt that I needed to be the one to make that move because otherwise we were just going to continue in that same misery. Plus I need her and myself to both know that I don't need her. I don't need her to survive, but I do want her. She has this perception that only reason I fought for us was because she brought in a paycheck and because she was a possession and for me to lose the marriage was to show a loss of status. Plus the house was in the process of a foreclosure due to our previous separation and the financial bind that had put us in. 

I unfortunately did try to talk to her and express my feelings but it only resulted in a fight. That's part of the problem, when we have legitimate concerns and we try to express them instead of us both accepting that is our perception and as a result our feelings we are both so defensive and go into protecting ourselves and out actions. Regardless of who is right or wrong we are always in the same defensive posture when it comes to our feelings. 

On a side note I find it refreshing that people are posting positively on my post. My wife is on the forum as well and as we all know there are always two sides to every story and I am usually bashed pretty badly by members on her posts. I am usually referred to in rather demeaning terms. I admit I made many mistakes but it wasn't all one sided. I welcome additional thoughts/suggestions.


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## miscommunication (Oct 1, 2011)

UpnDown said:


> Sorry to see that you are here, but for what it's worth welcome!
> 
> How long have you guys been married? Any kids? How old are you 2?
> 
> ...


We have been together 14 years, almost 15. 

I'm forcing myself to eat. Sleep is hard to come by. I have my boys this week so that is helping to keep me busy.


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## miscommunication (Oct 1, 2011)

UpnDown said:


> Sorry to see that you are here, but for what it's worth welcome!
> 
> How long have you guys been married? Any kids? How old are you 2?
> 
> ...


Sorry left out kids, yes, two boys ages 5 and soon to be 3. I'm going to be 36 next month and she is 32.


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## miscommunication (Oct 1, 2011)

Lifescript said:


> Can she be having an affair? When did the problems start and why?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Problems started a long time ago and if you ask her they started with me. I will give her credit that I haven't always been the greatest spouse/partner but I never would have said I was that bad. It really started to escalate after our first child was born and then just got worse. I've had "poor boundaries" when it came to the relationship and as a result she had no trust in me. That caused problems and it really started to get back in 2010 when intimacy really dropped off. A woman came into our lives (we had previously known her as a neighbor in an apartment complex when she and I first got together). It is scary how quickly it went from a friendly conversation to a sexual affair. I did stop it about 3 weeks after it started (I was feeling pretty guilty and scared of what I was doing). The woman put more doubt into my mind of my wife's fedility and then told me all the right things to make me feel like a man (things my wife wasn't saying, I guess she filled an emotional void I had had for a long time). Shortly after I stopped my affair my wife started one with a man that she had known for about 13 years. There was also issues that continued with my poor boundaries during a portion of that time. I fully committed to the marriage in Sept 2010 but she continued her affair and I was able to hack email accounts and confront in Jan 2011. She wanted to divorce then but decided to work it out and she said was recommitted. She didn't, she kept seeing the other man and in Sept 2011 the other woman (who had since become her best friend) told her of the affair. She filed for divorce then and moved out. It was during this time that I was able to confirm my suspicions and to confront her about the other man. In Nov we recommitted to reconcile and it went great for a bit (or so I thought) but then things started to once more go downhill. I felt like she was constantly looking for a fight and that I couldn't do anything right. A simple comment from me would be interpretted as me being negative and critital regardless of how nuetral I thought the statement was. This usually resulted in me becoming defensive and usually degraded to an arguement. 

I don't think she is seeing anyone else and I want to keep believing that. I wanted to be able to validate that when I wasn't feeling comfortable but part of what she wants is her freedom. She feels like she isn't an adult and that she can't do anything without having to be accountable to me. I understand what she is saying and I don't want to constantly be checking up on her but I wanted her to understand that trust wasn't going to be earned overnight. I also wanted to spend time with her, to rebuild what we had lost. To want to be with each other like when we first started to date. I wanted that level of commitment, investment and attention. That was something she wasn't willing to give to me. That's why I was the one to push the discussion because I was tired of not sleeping at night wondering if she was still trying or just tolerating me. I wanted her to want me as much as I want her. I wanted her to love me as much I love her. 
Sorry, I went off on another rumbling......


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Mine are 6 (D) and 4 (S). My son really doesn't know what's going on, but my daughter has been asking lots of questions. Have you guys told them about what's going on??

As for sleeping, I needed to get a fan for some background noise (plus the rotating breeze is nice) along with putting my TV on a 60 minute sleeper timer to fall asleep to. This probably won't ever change, it was something I used to do before I met stbxw (7 years ago).


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## miscommunication (Oct 1, 2011)

UpnDown said:


> Mine are 6 (D) and 4 (S). My son really doesn't know what's going on, but my daughter has been asking lots of questions. Have you guys told them about what's going on??
> 
> As for sleeping, I needed to get a fan for some background noise (plus the rotating breeze is nice) along with putting my TV on a 60 minute sleeper timer to fall asleep to. This probably won't ever change, it was something I used to do before I met stbxw (7 years ago).


We have told them but I'm afraid they don't really understand the implications. My eldest started to get really upset about leaving our home and said he loved it and wanted to live there forever. That was the hardest thing to hear and I nearly lost it so I had to quickly try to spin it into something fun and exciting. I even took him to the apartment complex that I moved to and showed him the apartment, the pools, the jogging track, the racketball court, work out area and pool table in the club house. I feel like I'm lying to my son in spinning it so that he sees it as something exciting when I know that for me it's all a reminder of the failure of my marriage and break up of my family. 

I've taken to staying really busy with the kids. Yesterday I kept them really busy with dinner, then walking around the jogging track and hanging out by the pool plus went shopping for them (they needed PJs). After getting them to sleep I cleaned the already clean apartment until almost midnight (I also can to a realization, it's so much easier to clean a clean apartment than a dirty one lol). My objective has been to keep as busy as possible in order to avoid thinking of what is actually constantly on my mind.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

It will be hard on them, but you have to think about how much this will open life up to them. There are clearly several downfalls to splitting up a family, but if you and your ex (once the dust settles) can co-parent the children effectively then they will be better off.

I suggest you start looking into your rights when it comes to the children and custody. It's what I did. I checked out a few 'divorce companies' (although I do not plan on using one of them) and got some good insight on how to interact with her and how to protect myself. I also contacted a lawyer to ask for basic advice (he suggested mediation before lawyering up) and I also went to Legal Aid even though I did not qualify but I was able to get tons of booklets / family law information.

Things like joint custody, shared custody, sole custody. Who will have primary physical custody, will you guys be splitting it depending on who lives where and when? (such as if they are with you, you are primary caregiver, when they are with her, she will be).

What kind of schedule are you guys going to do? 50/50, 60/40, weekend only visitation etc. Then you have to think of the rotation, if it's 50/50 (like we are going to hopefully do), then you have to think of 1 week / 1 week, or 2/2/3. Will you guys be able to have it set out once a month or twice a month that you can spent separate time with the kids individually? (giving them that special 1 on 1 time with each parent).

These types of things might be hard to do and the pill a little bitter to swallow, but take it from me, you will feel a lot more empowered about your situation once you have given yourself the knowledge YOU DESERVE to know.

Also, it isn't about 'getting the best of her' in the long run, of course you want the upper hand but being vengeful will not serve the kids any good.

I don't know where you live, but I just finished a 2 part course that is required by the Canadian Government in order to qualify for there supported mediation (and the court will require it anyways if it goes that far).

I highly suggest contacting your government office and sign up for it. I personally already knew 90% of what they told me and everyone else there but it only made me feel more confident about what I have been doing and the knowledge I obtained on my own.


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## miscommunication (Oct 1, 2011)

UpnDown said:


> It will be hard on them, but you have to think about how much this will open life up to them. There are clearly several downfalls to splitting up a family, but if you and your ex (once the dust settles) can co-parent the children effectively then they will be better off.
> 
> I suggest you start looking into your rights when it comes to the children and custody. It's what I did. I checked out a few 'divorce companies' (although I do not plan on using one of them) and got some good insight on how to interact with her and how to protect myself. I also contacted a lawyer to ask for basic advice (he suggested mediation before lawyering up) and I also went to Legal Aid even though I did not qualify but I was able to get tons of booklets / family law information.
> 
> ...


Call me a fool and a hopeless romantic but I'm hoping that she comes to her senses and realizes that I'm not as bad as she has made me out to be. We have agreed to make this a separation for the time being and will not be pursuing divorce right away. Granted I don't expect to wait indefinitely. I've made a commitment to myself to not date or otherwise be involved with anyone until I know without a shadow of a doubt that I have lost all hope of us working out. But I will in the time being work on me so that I get back to that man that I used to be. I gave up so much for her, I gave up friends, hobbies, dreams and desires because she thought they were silly and irresponsible. I now have children so that means some of those dreams won't become a reality plus financially I'm very limited to what I can do but I will at least revisit those dreams. 

As for custody we plan on 50/50. I trust she will be fair and has thus far proved me right. I could make this an ugly situation but I don't want to do that, not only that but she works for a rather large law firm and has extensive legal experience herself. In particular she has over 10 years in family law which could potentially spell hell for me, not that I would just roll over and take it if it went that way but honestly no reason to open a can of worms if we can be civil about it. Like I've mentioned before I still love her very much and I don't want to hurt her.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

Not to pee in your cereal but be prepared for her to turn on you. My wife and I started out all roses and butterflies and then the lawyer worked on her and her OM worked on her and now I may lose everything. I am still fighting as hard as I can and being as nice to her face as possible but behind closed doors I take no prisoners.

Sorry that was so harsh, I just really want you to be safe and don't forget to think about yourself a little.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I wouldn't "Trust" she will be "fair" in a potential divorce. Divorce is not a happy situation. The very facte she is the one who wants out means she does not have your best interests. Stop being naive. 

You say you have made a promise to yourself nto to date anyone during the separation--is she doing the same? 

I think she is just saying she wants a separation so she can bide her time (i.e. string you along). When someone tells you they want a divorce and tell you to move out of your own home, a lot of conviction is happening there.

I would not get your hopes up.


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## miscommunication (Oct 1, 2011)

I want the kids! said:


> Not to pee in your cereal but be prepared for her to turn on you. My wife and I started out all roses and butterflies and then the lawyer worked on her and her OM worked on her and now I may lose everything. I am still fighting as hard as I can and being as nice to her face as possible but behind closed doors I take no prisoners.
> 
> Sorry that was so harsh, I just really want you to be safe and don't forget to think about yourself a little.


Thank you for the harsh words. I do need someone to keep me "grounded" as I'm not really in the fight her stage right now. Neither one of us can really afford to be in a legal battle type situation but you are right she has already backed out of the 50/50 split for the kids health insurance.


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## miscommunication (Oct 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I wouldn't "Trust" she will be "fair" in a potential divorce. Divorce is not a happy situation. The very facte she is the one who wants out means she does not have your best interests. Stop being naive.
> 
> You say you have made a promise to yourself nto to date anyone during the separation--is she doing the same?
> 
> ...


She has made no promises to me and although I would hope that she wouldn't already be on the prawl I can't control that. Just like she is not able to control if I decide to date. I am probably being very delusional in thinking that this true separation will make her see me in a different light and appreciate me. I would hope that it would help me appreciate her more as well since she feels that I was not living up to her expectations. My main reasoning for not dating is that I'm still very much in love with her and I see it as being a complete insult to my own feelings and to her if I was to just start looking even if it was with no intentions of anything serious. I want to give her the chance to come out of the fog and see me for the real person that I am. Again I'm sure that's just me being in denial (I'm very familiar with the emotional cycle of loss/grief). But if she does come out of that fog I want to be able to with confidence tell her that I waited faithfully (something I didn't do in the marriage). I wish she could say the same and that if it was to happen we could easily pick up the pieces of a broken marriage/family and put them back together. We shall see right? I will keep posting as things happen.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I wouldn't "Trust" she will be "fair" in a potential divorce. Divorce is not a happy situation. The very facte she is the one who wants out means she does not have your best interests. Stop being naive.
> 
> You say you have made a promise to yourself nto to date anyone during the separation--is she doing the same?
> 
> ...


Well - let's just get it all out in the open. Miscommunication and I are married.

I am more than fair. After working for 10 years in family law, I have seen the horrible things spouses do and say in a custody battle. I don't want that battle. It's stupid. Wastes time and money and ends up hurting the kids in the long run.

He didn't mention that I am not paying half of the health insurance because I have more bills to pay than he does. We make about the same amount of money, it's covered through his employer, Texas law does not require me to pay it, I'm not requesting any child support whatsoever, and I'm having to pay joint debt because he refuses.

I'll be happy to answer any questions that are posed... maybe you guys could be our marriage counselors.

If I'm wrong, so be it. If he's wrong, I hope he can see that.

I also didn't ASK him to move out. I began looking for other residences and he promptly packed up his stuff and left. I left 2 days later... but I'm the one having to pack and clean the balance of the house.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

listen i know all about that feeling of desperation, look at my prior threads, i you want reconciliation then you have to know its not going to be over night & it def takes both parties. im learning that if i rush it im only pushing her further away, i'm the last one on here to be preaching trust(look at my threads & the advice given) i'm trying hard to eat/sleep etc. struggling but trying, im 2 mos in & trying to cope my self. i just wanted to tell you im in the same hell as you & i'm sorry, i'm 43,5 kids & 13 yrs. i'm learning to leave her the heck alone & let her come to grips with it herself, anyways just wanted you to know i'm here with you


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

Lifescript said:


> Can she be having an affair? When did the problems start and why?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nope. I'm not having an affair. I'm just tired of being accused of doing so. I'm tired of wondering if he is. I don't want to be in a marriage where I am either forced to monitor my spouse or am forced to be monitored. That's not a marriage. 

There is no trust in our relationship and I only recently learned that there really never has been from either side. There's very little respect for either person there either. Based on things that he has said and done, I don't believe he loves me either.

So if there is no trust, respect or love... what are we doing?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Did you guys join this forum with the intention of working things out together?


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Did you guys join this forum with the intention of working things out together?


I joined the forum first... when after a year of complete misery, I was looking for help. The day I was supposed to go see a marriage counselor, I found out that he had another affair - this time with my best friend. So then I came to the forum for help with coping and moving on during my divorce.

After marriage counseling, conversations with friends, etc., I decided to try to reconcile. I had told him I joined this forum and that it helped me. So he joined.


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