# Just Can't See The Future



## InNameOnly

Hello,

Married 20 years to someone 7 years younger than myself. We are in the midst of financial troubles, mostly my fault, but other issues fed into my failings in the marriage, too. Husband is very docile, to the point where I have always had the reins, even when I didn't want them. When things went well, great. When they went bad, it was my fault. Resentment is always denied, but the past is always the first thing thrown in my face when arguing. He stopped apologizing for anything and everything years ago, and when he does say I'm sorry, it's not sincere.

No sex, affection seems to come from him whenever he has done something he can't fix, or forgets some responsibility that requires addressing immediately. Whenever he shows that affection, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop - and it does, everytime. He's not secretive, but he's decided that he doesn't have to tell me things. He says he forgets, or he'll just shrug and say, "what's the big deal?"
No, I don't think he's having an affair. He's not that kind of guy. He works, comes home, goes to work, stays late. I can always have access to him. This is not infidelity. This is someone who just doesn't care anymore, and is no doubt as depressed as I am. The only difference is, he doesn't seem to want to get out of it. He won't tell the truth, he won't find the people to talk to, he won't go to the counselor, and the ones he's been to, he lies to, and then when he's found out, he doesn't go again.

We used to go to church, but I was always uncomfortable, mostly because I'm just not good with longterm interaction with people. Sometimes I just need to back up and have space. Husband would use me to justify his not going, but his wanting me to go was always to be the "mouthpiece" of the family. He followed me around, he was my other half. If I didn't initiate conversation, none was to be had. And when I did, he would stand there, looking judgmental on everyone - including me. He has no poker face whatsoever, but when you confront him on something he's clearly showing, he denies it vehemently. He does not roll his eyes, smirk, talks under his breath, or anything underhanded like that. It's always my imagination.

It's just me and him. He doesn't talk to his family, and I don't have any family to talk with. We have no friends, and noone he trusts to talk to, because they always tell him what he doesn't want to hear from a Christian perspective. He blames me for not being able to "lead". I used to fight it, trying to get the counselor to recognize that he was being manipulated, but it only made me look bad, so I stopped fighting it. I let him lie, and I let the counselor tell me what I needed to do to bring respect back into the relationship. Then we'd go home - me feeling judged and without hope, but willing to try again, only to have my husband fall right back into the leaderless, avoiding, not wanting to make an effort man he has always been.

Outside of prayer, there is nothing I can do about it, and I don't believe in divorce. I won't do it. At my age, 59, I admit to being fearful of going my own separate way, after spending so much of my life not building a career of my own, working only volunteer. I have no confidence, no appeal, no attractiveness, nothing that would make me a choice for anything in today's society and economy. And if I go back to church, it has to be for the sole purpose of realigning myself with God, not for my husband. 

I'm not looking for solutions to my problem, because I've tried them all. I have to sit in this mess I partially created, and try to find peace to get through it. That peace is in God, but I'm so tired of trying to find the right church, the place where I can be myself without having to put on airs. 
I don't even want to talk about my problems. I just want to go, be polite, participate in what I can, and be able to say no when I can't or don't want to, because my experience has been negative when trying to operate ont he same level as the women at church. I'm no longer a Mom, I'm not interested in the same things as most, and I'm just not good at pretending. They're great people most of the time, but I'm not like them.

So, now we're working towards filing for bankruptcy. But again, he's not helping to get this done. He avoided filing taxes for a number of years, and now the attorney says that we can't file until he gets that in. It's like he's sabotaging everything. I even offered our taking the taxes to HR BLOCK to get it done and over with, but he says no. He doesn't seem to get that the lawyer suggested I not work until AFTER we've filed, but it's like he doesn't realize that he hurts both of us with his actions.

I'm not saying that God is punishing both of us. I'm saying his hand is off us because of our actions, and in my case, an unwillingness to be faithful to him even though my husband is doing something else. Getting back to church has to be my first step. Since I no longer have a husband, I have to take my eyes off him and let God be my husband, and anything I do will unto God.


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## EnjoliWoman

File tax returns married but filing separately. If I'm not mistaken you can also file bankruptcy alone. Sign a quite claim deed on the house if you own one. Lead your as if he weren't there - you already are. You'll have to find some peace with either living with him or leaving.

A minister told me upon my waffling about leaving an emotionally/verbally abusive (and occasionally physical) man - "he put the marriage asunder, not you - the bible states 'let no MAN put asunder what God has joined together' in the vows - he has broken your vows, the marriage contract can be amended but if he's not amenable, go forward with divorce without feeling it is not in keeping with the Lord." That brought me a lot of comfort in my decision.

And I'm not particularly religious, yet it felt better knowing my decision was 'blessed' by a member of the clergy.


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