# My son's girlfriend is an escort



## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

And he's still with her. And there's a child he 'thinks' is his.

I just want to swapp him upside the head.

They're together 2 years, he's known the whole time, and they have made the JOINT DECISION for her to take 'clients' for the money. She went to Vegas with one last weekend. The whole situation is SO messed up I don't even know what to say. He's 27, she's 22. The child is 1.5 years. He's been going through mental health issues (ya think???) during this whole time. He tells me almost everything - he told me the first time he had sex, he told me when he tried pot and started smoking, he's always been very open. I've been there through three suicide scares and hospitalizations, a move across the country, the birth of what we though was our grandchild who shares a birthday with grampa. I am the one who sits in emergency with him when he's seeing 'the little boy' and cutting himself. But he just told me on Saturday that he's been living with a prostitute, knowingly, for two years now.

I can't fathom that I raised such an......................I don't even know what he is. He's so bloody messed up.

He's in counseling, such as it is in our screwed up health care system. He's on meds. He's seeing a doctor next week for STD testing. I have FINALLY convinced him they need a DNA test (I have thought so from the start) They keep having HUGE fights and he shows up at our door and stays a few days then they get back together. He promised - PROMISED, in huge letters - that he was done having sex with her. That was on Saturday. Guess what happened last night????????

I might just tell him next time the you know what hits the fan that he cannot use us as plan B. I want to. but he's mentally ill. I can't just tell him, sorry buster, you're outta luck with me. If he was physically injured I would take him to the dr and do everything I can. He's mentally injured - abused even, by this 'woman'. but there aren't battered mens shelters. She has actually beaten him up, twice.

What the H E double hockey sticks would you do????


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

They are both adults, and it sounds like there is no deception here. So to me the big question is: does she make him happy? 

If he has mental illness issues, really all he can do is see a professional. That's not something amateurs can fix.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

There has been deception though - she made him keep it from us for two years. He wanted to tell us. He said when he finally did it was a huge weight lifted. She of course is livid.

He says she makes him happy, then she smacks him around. He really does sound and act like a battered woman.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Can his father talk sense into him? He needs a psychiatrist (MD) from what you have written - is he seeing one? This is way beyond any advice you can get here. I'm sorry for what you are going through.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

uhtred said:


> They are both adults, and it sounds like there is no deception here. So to me the big question is: does she make him happy?
> 
> If he has mental illness issues, really all he can do is see a professional. That's not something amateurs can fix.


Does she make him happy? The op said she has beaten him up twice. :surprise:


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

SongoftheSouth said:


> Can his father talk sense into him? He needs a psychiatrist (MD) from what you have written - is he seeing one? This is way beyond any advice you can get here. I'm sorry for what you are going through.


:frown2: His father passed away, my husband and he don't have a very close relationship. Yes he is seeing someone - I don't think it's a psychiatrist because he has his meds monitored by our GP. Thanks for your post.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Unfortunately its been proven that pot smoking can cause mental illness in young men. That may have happen here. As for this relationship, what a mess. She sounds like an abuser and a disaster, and is clearly very controlling. 

However he is 27 so not sure what you can do about it if he refuses to leave her. Maybe once he finds out whether the child is his things may change, but you have to feel for the child either way.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Do you think your son is with this woman because she provides enough drama for him?


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

NextTimeAround said:


> Do you think your son is with this woman because she provides enough drama for him?


Good question. I am not sure.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I was confused by that part of the post. One section seemed to imply that she hadn't harmed him physically. Then there was that final line. 

So, if she has assaulted him, then he needs someone to call the police. 

I'm having trouble separating what the parent is feeling from what is actually happening to the son. 

What particularly confused me was:
"If he was physically injured I would take him to the dr and do everything I can. He's mentally injured - abused even, by this 'woman'. but there aren't battered mens shelters. She has actually beaten him up, twice."

The first few sentences seem to be saying that he was not physically injured but "mentally injured". Mental injury can be real, but it is much more of a judgement call than physical injury. If these are physical attacks, then calling police makes sense. 

If I misunderstood the situation, I'm sorry, its sometimes difficult to decypher what is going on. 






Diana7 said:


> Does she make him happy? The op said she has beaten him up twice. :surprise:


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

What was important was that she tell him. 

But - if she is hitting him, that is a whole different issue. There are a lot of cases of men battered by women, its just not reported as often. If she hits him, that is assault and calling police is a good idea - though bias may make it difficult to convince them. 




Cat Lady said:


> There has been deception though - she made him keep it from us for two years. He wanted to tell us. He said when he finally did it was a huge weight lifted. She of course is livid.
> 
> He says she makes him happy, then she smacks him around. He really does sound and act like a battered woman.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Cat Lady said:


> There has been deception though - she made him keep it from us for two years. He wanted to tell us. He said when he finally did it was a huge weight lifted. She of course is livid.


Not between the two of them there hasn't. I don't blame her for being livid that he told you, it's not your business.

I wouldn't my son in this situation either, but he's 27, there's nothing you can do.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Cat Lady said:


> There has been deception though - she made him keep it from us for two years. He wanted to tell us. He said when he finally did it was a huge weight lifted. She of course is livid.


 You lost me right here. She didn't make him do anything. He did what he thought was best for him and for their "relationship." Perhaps the reason why your son has so many mental health problem is that he feels powerless.

I realize that you are at your wits end. It is terrible to have a child in turmoil. 

I think it would be helpful for you and your family dynamic if you and your husband attended family therapy together to try to get to the bottom of what you can do differently to help, rather than enable your son. There is a disconnect somewhere and it may help if you start with you and your husband, then add your son when the therapist has a sort of handle on the situation. Family counseling can be effective for dealing with issues that are family in origin, which may be the case in your situation. I'm not saying you're bad parents. It is obvious that you are in distress over your son's situation and that you love him very much. Sometimes we all do things that we think are the right thing, but it turns out that it's having a much different effect than we had expected. As a parent of three grown children, I know I have had that happen in my own life, which is why I mention it.




Cat Lady said:


> He says she makes him happy, then she smacks him around. He really does sound and act like a battered woman.


 That's because he is battered. The mindset is probably the same as it is for a woman, especially if he believes the child is his, he may be trying to keep the family together for the sake of his child.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

What was his childhood like?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is this woman the first relationship your son has had?

There really is not anything you can do but to be there for him. It's most likely that this relationship will not last much longer. 

Hopefully he will follow through with the DNA test. But keep in mind that he has a relationship with this child and he might not care if he it the biological father or not.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Paraphrasing that great mid-20th century philosopher William Claude Dukenfield :

There comes a time in the affairs of all men when one must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Cat Lady said:


> There has been deception though - she made him keep it from us for two years. He wanted to tell us. He said when he finally did it was a huge weight lifted. She of course is livid.
> 
> He says she makes him happy, then she smacks him around. * He really does sound and act like a battered man*.


Is he? it is a real thing, and he is not alone.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Cat Lady said:


> And he's still with her. And there's a child he 'thinks' is his.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Pretty Woman syndrome? Some men go through this. It’s just a phase.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

uhtred said:


> I was confused by that part of the post. One section seemed to imply that she hadn't harmed him physically. Then there was that final line.
> 
> So, if she has assaulted him, then he needs someone to call the police.
> 
> ...


Yes she has physically assaulted him more than once. Yes he has called the police on her. She has then injured herself and told the police he did it to her. This is according to my son and I believe him. She also assaults him verbally and emotionally on a regular basis.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

CynthiaDe said:


> I think it would be helpful for you and your family dynamic if you and your husband attended family therapy together to try to get to the bottom of what you can do differently to help, rather than enable your son. .


This is something that we are considering. Thank you.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

sokillme said:


> What was his childhood like?


how much detail do you want? His biodad was a jerk, I left him when son was 3 and dad disappeared. We had a lot of help as I was a single mom for a while, we got a lot of support, groups, help from family etc to get us through. He was 10 when I remarried, he likes stepdad but isn't overly close. Stepdad wasn't involved much with discipline, my dad has been a father figure for all his life. I like to think I was a good mom, I have no issues with alcohol or drugs, a good job etc.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> Is this woman the first relationship your son has had?
> 
> There really is not anything you can do but to be there for him. It's most likely that this relationship will not last much longer.
> 
> Hopefully he will follow through with the DNA test. But keep in mind that he has a relationship with this child and he might not care if he it the biological father or not.


He says he does want to be in the childs life whether or not he's the biological father.

He had a previous long term relationship that ended when she admitted she never wants children.

I guess something I am having trouble figuring out is how do I be there for him and support him when I cannot support the relationship and am in fact vehemently opposed to it?


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

InMyPrime said:


> Pretty Woman syndrome? Some men go through this. It’s just a phase.


It would be SO nice if this is it. I am doubtful though. Some of that may be involved but I think it's deeper than that. I am hoping he is forthright with his counselor and that they can get to the bottom of things.


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## Talk2Me (Mar 22, 2019)

I have friends that are swingers and they are OK with their partners having sex with other people. I guess, it's similar except that she's getting paid for it. Don't be mad at him for hiding it from you as I don't blame him for that. At the end of the day he knows what he got himself into. She isn't hiding it from him and they have a mutual agreement that it's OK for them. I couldn't deal with it personally but some people are totally fine with it. We talk about Pornstars and how they have normal relationships and then go off to "work" and their partners are OK with it. It's a wild world we live in.


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## Talk2Me (Mar 22, 2019)

Cat Lady said:


> He says he does want to be in the childs life whether or not he's the biological father.
> 
> He had a previous long term relationship that ended when she admitted she never wants children.
> 
> I guess something I am having trouble figuring out is how do I be there for him and support him when I cannot support the relationship and am in fact vehemently opposed to it?



Is he the father on the child's birth certificate? If he is and the DNA proves he isn't he's still responsible for that child forever. Either way, it sounds like he is which makes him a stand up guy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cat Lady said:


> He says he does want to be in the childs life whether or not he's the biological father.


One thing to consider is that if they split and he is not the child's biological father, he might not have the legal right to stay in the child's life.

If I were you, I would not tell him this if he not the biological father as it might influence whether or not he stays in this bad situation. 



Cat Lady said:


> He had a previous long term relationship that ended when she admitted she never wants children.


So he broke up because the first woman did not want children. But he's ok with a woman who is a prostitute? Hm...

You say that your son has mental health issues. Does he work and make enough to support himself, his child and this woman? Or is this woman the main support of their family?

Besides pot, do your son and this woman use other illegal drugs?



Cat Lady said:


> I guess something I am having trouble figuring out is how do I be there for him and support him when I cannot support the relationship and am in fact vehemently opposed to it?


You are being co-dependent. That's when you put the needs of someone else's destructive behaviors ahead of your needs and in the process destroy yourself.

You need help figuring out how to stop doing this. Get the book 

*Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself* by Melody Beattie.

Also, you might want to consider joining Al Anon. It's an organization for the family of alcoholics and drug addicts. But it also helps people in a situation like yours in which a family member is sucking the energy out of their family with their bad choices in life.

They manner in which you are 'supporting' your son is actually enabling his bad choices. He could not do what he is doing without you supporting him in a manner that takes the responsibility away from him.

The book and Al Anon will teach you how to be there to support him without you enabling him. It's like walking on a tight rope.

I know some things about this as I have a step son that brings a similar dynamic into my life. I have had a learn that I cannot fix him. I have to take care of myself. He's an adult who has the responsibility for his bad choices and his life. If he comes to me with something reasonable I'll help him if I can. But I'm not going to constantly worry about being his savior.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Talk2Me said:


> Is he the father on the child's birth certificate? If he is and the DNA proves he isn't he's still responsible for that child forever. Either way, it sounds like he is which makes him a stand up guy.


Most states will allow a man to have his name removed form the birth certificate if he can prove that he is not the biological father. Though there are some circumstances, such as if the man has been financially supporting the child, that the state might not allow it. The younger a child is, the more likely the name can be removed.

https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/question-birth-certificate-wrong-name-change-28063.html

Now if the man and mother were married at the time a child is born, that's a different issue as the husband is legally considered the father of a child that his wife gives birth to. Removing him from the birth certificate might not be allowed.

In any case talk to a lawyer when and if the time comes.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

Talk2Me said:


> I have friends that are swingers and they are OK with their partners having sex with other people. I guess, it's similar except that she's getting paid for it. Don't be mad at him for hiding it from you as I don't blame him for that. At the end of the day he knows what he got himself into. She isn't hiding it from him and they have a mutual agreement that it's OK for them. I couldn't deal with it personally but some people are totally fine with it. We talk about Pornstars and how they have normal relationships and then go off to "work" and their partners are OK with it. It's a wild world we live in.


I am not mad at him, I am mad at HER for making him lie about it for 2 years. He wanted to tell me right away when she found out she was pregnant. I am trying to work through this bombshell in my head and figure out what I am going to do going forward. For myself and for him.

And I do not think that he is really that OK with the whole situation. Yes he does know what he got himself into. Yes he is an adult. I know that he has to figure things out for himself and so does he. As a mother he WILL ask me questions and seek advice along the way. I need to figure out what to say and do when he does.


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## Talk2Me (Mar 22, 2019)

Cat Lady said:


> I am not mad at him, I am mad at HER for making him lie about it for 2 years. He wanted to tell me right away when she found out she was pregnant. I am trying to work through this bombshell in my head and figure out what I am going to do going forward. For myself and for him.
> 
> And I do not think that he is really that OK with the whole situation. Yes he does know what he got himself into. Yes he is an adult. I know that he has to figure things out for himself and so does he. As a mother he WILL ask me questions and seek advice along the way. I need to figure out what to say and do when he does.


Did you like her before you found out she was sleeping with men for money?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Cat Lady said:


> Yes she has physically assaulted him more than once. Yes he has called the police on her. She has then injured herself and told the police he did it to her. This is according to my son and I believe him. She also assaults him verbally and emotionally on a regular basis.


I wonder if there are any resources for people with a battered loved one to help?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OK thank you for clarifying. Unfortunately there is deep bias in the justice system on domestic violence an a very strong reluctance to accept the idea that men can be victims - even though many studies show that its quite common.

If he doesn't want to leave there is very little you can do except to provide him a safe place if he does. 



Cat Lady said:


> Yes she has physically assaulted him more than once. Yes he has called the police on her. She has then injured herself and told the police he did it to her. This is according to my son and I believe him. She also assaults him verbally and emotionally on a regular basis.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Cat Lady said:


> It would be SO nice if this is it. I am doubtful though. Some of that may be involved but I think it's deeper than that. I am hoping he is forthright with his counselor and that they can get to the bottom of things.




Trouble is, the more you show your disdain for their relationship, the more you might alienate him and push him towards the opposite decision. Sometimes you got to let them learn from heir own mistakes if they won’t hear you...But don’t listen to me. I probably would freak out just the same in your situation.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> One thing to consider is that if they split and he is not the child's biological father, he might not have the legal right to stay in the child's life.
> 
> If I were you, I would not tell him this if he not the biological father as it might influence whether or not he stays in this bad situation.


He figured this out for himself. My secret (from him) wish is that he isn't the father and it does influence him to get out of the relationship. He claims it won't but he really has no clue. I have no problem with him staying in the childs life if he wants to and can. I will fully support him to do that.



EleGirl said:


> You say that your son has mental health issues. Does he work and make enough to support himself, his child and this woman? Or is this woman the main support of their family? Besides pot, do your son and this woman use other illegal drugs?


He has a great job in a field that he loves, and he's very good at it. He started it a couple of months ago, it's basically his dream job. However, his financial aptitude is about a -100 out of 100. We have offered and done financial planning with him, and with both of them, but he seems incapable of continuing down a good financial path once he starts. As for the drugs, she definitely has a drug problem (cocaine and meth) which is supposedly under control at this point - the child had no adverse effects, but there have been relapses. The pot was when he was a teenager, he is not currently a pot smoker. My son doesn't drink or do any drugs right now, partly because of his meds and partly because of the state of the relationship.



EleGirl said:


> You are being co-dependent. That's when you put the needs of someone else's destructive behaviors ahead of your needs and in the process destroy yourself.
> 
> You need help figuring out how to stop doing this. Get the book
> 
> ...


I know what co dependence is, and I actually attended AlAnon during my first marriage. I can see why you would label me as a co dependent, but keep in mind I just found out about the escort thing 4 days ago, as well as many of the other aspects of their relationship (such as her drug use - that was also dropped on me on Saturday, as well as the paternity question and the extent of the physical violence that's been going on) I do know how to say no to him - I have plenty of experience doing so. The whole mental health issue thing has me in a tizzie though, hence this post - I am trying to figure out how to remain aloof from him as far as the relationship goes but help him when he really does need it, like I have been. If he calls me up (like he has) asking me to take him to emergency I am not going to say no. If that's codependency in your eyes then so be it. I do appreciate your perspective though, so thank you for your posts and the time you've taken to post to me.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

Talk2Me said:


> Is he the father on the child's birth certificate? If he is and the DNA proves he isn't he's still responsible for that child forever. Either way, it sounds like he is which makes him a stand up guy.


oops sorry I missed this

He is on the birth certificate yes. I am not sure what the law says about all of this, if I need to find out I will. He may already know what his legal options are, if so he hasn't discussed them with me yet.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

Talk2Me said:


> Did you like her before you found out she was sleeping with men for money?


I liked the persona she portrayed to the world. I don't think she knows what her true personality is. I've been told snippets of her previous life before my son met her and she really is really messed up. Taking her at face value I would say that yes, I liked her.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

NobodySpecial said:


> I wonder if there are any resources for people with a battered loved one to help?


This is probably something I should explore. my son is not at the point of utilizing anything like that right now - in fact, if I brought up the subject it would most likely enrage him - but if I have the info ready I can give it to him when he is ready. if he ever is.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Maybe one approach is to stop talking to him / thinking about her being a sex worker. That really isn't the key issue here. The key issue is that she is physically abusing him. Everything else may just be a distraction - I missed the physical abuse in the first post because there was so much else. 

Its possible for some people to have happy relationships with sex workers. Its not possible to have a happy relationship with an abuser. 

Maybe concentrate just on the abuse. Nothing ever excuses physical abuse - nothing.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

uhtred said:


> OK thank you for clarifying. Unfortunately there is deep bias in the justice system on domestic violence an a very strong reluctance to accept the idea that men can be victims - even though many studies show that its quite common.
> 
> If he doesn't want to leave there is very little you can do except to provide him a safe place if he does.


:crying: I know. And I will.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

InMyPrime said:


> Trouble is, the more you show your disdain for their relationship, the more you might alienate him and push him towards the opposite decision. Sometimes you got to let them learn from heir own mistakes if they won’t hear you


Exactly. And I know this - he is SO like this. This is my main concern - how do I still love and support HIM separately from the relationship. This is what I need to figure out.

Sorry that my post yesterday was all over the place. I was kind of typing stream of consciousness stuff.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cat Lady said:


> He figured this out for himself. My secret (from him) wish is that he isn't the father and it does influence him to get out of the relationship. He claims it won't but he really has no clue. I have no problem with him staying in the childs life if he wants to and can. I will fully support him to do that.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


While you might have only found out about a lot of this recently, if you evaluate the way things have been going for some time now my bet is that all that you just found out has influence how they both behaved and how he has been leaning on you.

My experience with this sort of thing is that often times what the crazy that we do not know about it sort of like a poltergeist. It goes bump in the night but we have no idea what it is. We can feel it, but since it's not spoken we ignore it.

When he has called you to take him to the emergency room, has he been so injured that he cannot drive? Could he call an ambulance?


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

uhtred said:


> Maybe one approach is to stop talking to him / thinking about her being a sex worker. That really isn't the key issue here. The key issue is that she is physically abusing him. Everything else may just be a distraction - I missed the physical abuse in the first post because there was so much else.
> 
> Its possible for some people to have happy relationships with sex workers. Its not possible to have a happy relationship with an abuser.
> 
> Maybe concentrate just on the abuse. Nothing ever excuses physical abuse - nothing.


This is an excellent thought. Thank you. I actually felt a lightbulb go on in my head when I read it.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> While you might have only found out about a lot of this recently, if you evaluate the way things have been going for some time now my bet is that all that you just found out has influence how they both behaved and how he has been leaning on you.
> 
> My experience with this sort of thing is that often times what the crazy that we do not know about it sort of like a poltergeist. It goes bump in the night but we have no idea what it is. We can feel it, but since it's not spoken we ignore it.
> 
> When he has called you to take him to the emergency room, has he been so injured that he cannot drive? Could he call an ambulance?


Buried in my original post was reference to 'the little boy'. He sees a little boy, among other things that he hasn't specified. The little boy is the scariest. So no, he isn't able to drive when that happens. There have been times he has also taken himself in.

I am sure that all the stuff I just found out has influenced everyone over the past two years. Him especially. I've known for a while there was more to the story, but didn't push for it. I figured he'd tell me when he was ready to, and he did.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Maybe send him some articles to read about abuse?


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

turnera said:


> Maybe send him some articles to read about abuse?


Maybe. I will have to think about that. Most likely he'd ignore them, or he could get upset. Which maybe is a good thing. If he's upset it means something struck a nerve.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Exactly. It's not your job to make sure he's happy with you. It's your job to be his mother and help him take smart steps.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

Cat Lady said:


> :crying: I know. And I will.


Sorry, but from my perspective, that’s just more enabling this dysfunction to continue.

Young men make mistakes ... I was the poster boy ... but I was forced to accept the consequences of those mistakes and move on. When you do that, you tend to not make the same mistakes again. However, when you enable bad behaviors, they tend to get repeated.

Tough Love really does work, especially for guys.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

Cat Lady said:


> I guess something I am having trouble figuring out is how do I be there for him and support him when I cannot support the relationship and am in fact vehemently opposed to it?


You don’t ... he’s 27 years old. Tell him to call when he gets his head out of his ass.

... and I’m being completely serious. He’s supposed to be a man ... treat him like one.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

MyRevelation said:


> Sorry, but from my perspective, that’s just more enabling this dysfunction to continue.
> 
> Young men make mistakes ... I was the poster boy ... but I was forced to accept the consequences of those mistakes and move on. When you do that, you tend to not make the same mistakes again. However, when you enable bad behaviors, they tend to get repeated.
> 
> Tough Love really does work, especially for guys.


OK, so you are saying that if he decides to leave this drug addicted abusive prostitute, I shouldn't let him stay at our house or help him out?

Wow, I am glad I'm not your kid.

how old are you and how old are your kids?


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

I’m 58

I have a 39 year old D and a 34 year old S and 4 grands.

... and none of us live with the drama and dysfunction you describe.

I also have a 82 year old Dad that would have stuck a foot up my ass if I brought home a prostitute to live and reproduce with at that age.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

MyRevelation said:


> I’m 58
> 
> I have a 39 year old D and a 34 year old S and 4 grands.
> 
> ...


I'd love to not have the drama. I guess it comes with the territory though, when you've raised your kids to want to tell you everything.

You're also a guy, and guys are far quicker to kick their kids' butts than the mothers are.

I will not be refusing to let him move in if he leaves her. but thanks for the advice. :smile2:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you DO let him come home, just make sure it's with rules. He's an adult now and should be expected to abide by adult rules - like paying rent, helping with chores, sharing in groceries, starting a savings account, and keeping a job. Not saying he won't do these things, just that NOT having such rules won't help him.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

Why does he have to move in with you? He’s 27 and has a job, let him work it out for himself.

... and you’re right, a man would handle this differently. Think about that ... what you’ve been doing isn’t working. 

You came here looking for advice ... maybe a mans perspective is what you really need.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

turnera said:


> If you DO let him come home, just make sure it's with rules. He's an adult now and should be expected to abide by adult rules - like paying rent, helping with chores, sharing in groceries, starting a savings account, and keeping a job. Not saying he won't do these things, just that NOT having such rules won't help him.


Just like to add, how long he stays.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

You've mentioned mental illness several times. Can you say what it is? Is it something that is a life-long condition like Autism, or is it something like depression which may improve at some point? If he has some kind of diminished mental capacity, then scenarios like this may be likely throughout his life. Opportunistic people may try to take advantage of him for money or a place to live. But if it's something that he can work through with counseling or medication, then he may see the light on his own.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I'm sorry, I can't get past the fact that he tells you when he has sex... That's just absurd that a grown man would share that information with his Mommy.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Cat Lady said:


> OK, so you are saying that if he decides to leave this drug addicted abusive prostitute, I shouldn't let him stay at our house or help him out?
> 
> Wow, I am glad I'm not your kid.
> 
> how old are you and how old are your kids?


Listen, this is not what he is saying and I don't think you should take it that way. 

What he is saying, and me too, is that 1) we get he has mental illness, 2) we get that you were his one parent, and a single mom for the most part, we get it. 

But sometimes, in situations like this it takes "male attitudes" to actually deal with these things. 

Men actually need someone to kick them in that ass a lot of the time. I have had to do it with my boys, it was done to me, and it works. 

Yes, you are codependent with him, believe it or not. And, no offense, I have never seen a woman that was a single mom, and responsible and a good mom, that was not codependent with a son at some level. 

I am not saying that it does not exist, just that I have never seen it. 

So, at some point, yes you can be there for him, but you also really need to look at "tough love" at some level. 

It may be the only way to get him out of this in the long run. 

But I get what you are going through, there are no easy answers...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Cat Lady said:


> It would be SO nice if this is it. I am doubtful though. Some of that may be involved but I think it's deeper than that. I am hoping he is forthright with his counselor and that they can get to the bottom of things.


He has to feel worthy of fidelity. That could be part of the problem. He may also want to save her, or it could be a combination of that. "I am not worthy of love but if I save her then I would be." 

As strange as it may seem, maybe it turns him on. Some men see other men's attraction to their wives as some commentary on them. In other words "I got the women every man wants to be with me. At the end of the day she comes back to me and I get it for free." 

Granted that is not a fun thing to say but it should be had none the less. 

At the end of the day he is an adult and it's his life. You have limited say at this point.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

turnera said:


> If you DO let him come home, just make sure it's with rules. He's an adult now and should be expected to abide by adult rules - like paying rent, helping with chores, sharing in groceries, starting a savings account, and keeping a job. Not saying he won't do these things, just that NOT having such rules won't help him.


Absolutely.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

wilson said:


> You've mentioned mental illness several times. Can you say what it is? Is it something that is a life-long condition like Autism, or is it something like depression which may improve at some point? If he has some kind of diminished mental capacity, then scenarios like this may be likely throughout his life. Opportunistic people may try to take advantage of him for money or a place to live. But if it's something that he can work through with counseling or medication, then he may see the light on his own.


I forget the exact name, but he has mild depression and something else He is on meds and seeing a therapist. It's going to take a lot of work for him to get through it but he can, if he does the work. He calls me after every therapy appointment and talks about it as much as he's comfortable doing. I just listen and encourage him, I don't get into specifics or try to co counsel him.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

Ursula said:


> I'm sorry, I can't get past the fact that he tells you when he has sex... That's just absurd that a grown man would share that information with his Mommy.


I asked, he answered. And he told me when he had sex for the first time. I think it's great that he's that open with me. It's not like he updates me every time he has an orgasm.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

BluesPower said:


> you also really need to look at "tough love" at some level.


I had a long talk with my sister about this very thing last night. And of course he needs the tough love. All kids do at some point. And since I am still reeling from his revelation I need to hear these things too :smile2:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Do you think your son is with this woman because she provides enough drama for him?


Or because he loves her? We don't always make wise choices over who we love.

I once dated a call girl when I was young.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Cat Lady said:


> I had a long talk with my sister about this very thing last night. And of course he needs the tough love. All kids do at some point. And since I am still reeling from his revelation I need to hear these things too :smile2:


In the UK living with a prostitute is called "Living off immoral earnings" and will get people jail time.

How is the legal situation in the USA?


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> In the UK living with a prostitute is called "Living off immoral earnings" and will get people jail time.
> 
> How is the legal situation in the USA?


I'm in Canada, no clue what it is here. I have never heard of that though.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Cat Lady said:


> *I am not mad at him, I am mad at HER for making him lie about it for 2 years*. He wanted to tell me right away when she found out she was pregnant. I am trying to work through this bombshell in my head and figure out what I am going to do going forward. For myself and for him.
> 
> And I do not think that he is really that OK with the whole situation. Yes he does know what he got himself into. Yes he is an adult. I know that he has to figure things out for himself and so does he. As a mother he WILL ask me questions and seek advice along the way. I need to figure out what to say and do when he does.


But she didn't make him lie, she asked him to keep their relationship and their business between the two of them. There's things in our marriage that I've asked my husband not to discuss with his parents, it's just none of their business. We are adults. Marriage is between TWO people.



turnera said:


> Exactly. It's not your job to make sure he's happy with you. *It's your job to be his mother and help him take smart steps*.


At 16 yes. Not at 27.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Or because he loves her? We don't always make wise choices over who we love.
> 
> I once dated a call girl when I was young.


You probably liked the sense of danger that came with it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cat Lady said:


> *Buried in my original post was reference to 'the little boy'. He sees a little boy, among other things that he hasn't specified.* The little boy is the scariest. So no, he isn't able to drive when that happens. There have been times he has also taken himself in.
> 
> I am sure that all the stuff I just found out has influenced everyone over the past two years. Him especially. I've known for a while there was more to the story, but didn't push for it. I figured he'd tell me when he was ready to, and he did.


Your son sees a little boy and some other things? Is he schizophrenic? Sometime people who are bi-polar also hallucinate like that.

How old was he when he started talking about seeing this little boy and other things?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

frusdil said:


> But she didn't make him lie, she asked him to keep their relationship and their business between the two of them. There's things in our marriage that I've asked my husband not to discuss with his parents, it's just none of their business. We are adults. Marriage is between TWO people.
> 
> 
> 
> At 16 yes. Not at 27.


I am 500% in agreement with this... except for the battery issue. I wish I understood better how loved ones can intervene in a battery situation, if they can effectively.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

frusdil said:


> At 16 yes. Not at 27.


Beg to disagree. My mom was still my mom when I was 55, still offering advice and telling me what she would do in my situation. You don't give up that job at any age.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

turnera said:


> Beg to disagree. My mom was still my mom when I was 55, still offering advice and telling me what she would do in my situation. You don't give up that job at any age.


Hopefully she does not/did not insert herself into your marriage. That's a no go. Period.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, but that's not what I was talking about. I was talking about offering advice.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So did he always have these mental issues, or did this all start when he started seeing this trainwreck of a woman?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

turnera said:


> Beg to disagree. My mom was still my mom when I was 55, still offering advice and telling me what she would do in my situation. You don't give up that job at any age.


My mother insists upon giving me so much useless advice, I try to avoid her now.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> Your son sees a little boy and some other things? Is he schizophrenic? Sometime people who are bi-polar also hallucinate like that.
> 
> How old was he when he started talking about seeing this little boy and other things?


Probably about 24 or 25. He hasn’t been diagnosed with bi-polar or schizophrenia. In fact his current therapist ruled out bi-polar.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> So did he always have these mental issues, or did this all start when he started seeing this trainwreck of a woman?


He was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, like so many other kids that age. I’ve wondered since if he doesn’t have a sensory issue. But the major symptoms he has now all started when he started seeing her.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

My son has ALWAYS given me a lot more info about himself than I would even consider asking for. I didn’t ask for this revelation on Saturday - he decided to tell me. That’s just the way he is, it helps him process things to talk about them. One reason I am SO glad he’s seeing a therapist because I most certainly am not!! So for those of you telling me to mind my own business, I do.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

wilson said:


> You've mentioned mental illness several times. Can you say what it is? Is it something that is a life-long condition like Autism, or is it something like depression which may improve at some point? If he has some kind of diminished mental capacity, then scenarios like this may be likely throughout his life. Opportunistic people may try to take advantage of him for money or a place to live. But if it's something that he can work through with counseling or medication, then he may see the light on his own.


Other than the fact that Autism is NOT mental illness, this is a good set of questions.

One cannot expect a person with a mental illness (one serious enough to be medicated) to process and act the same as a fully functional tough adult.

You can go commando on him, but if he has an actual mental illness, especially Axis I, he ISN'T going to be able to fully care for himself.

That is why it is important to have ALL the information, not just "a guy sleeps with a prostitute."


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Cat Lady said:


> He was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, like so many other kids that age. I’ve wondered since if he doesn’t have a sensory issue. But the major symptoms he has now all started when he started seeing her.



Ahhhh....that changes things. I wonder if his mental distress is a result of her drama and being abused by her.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

turnera said:


> Beg to disagree. My mom was still my mom when I was 55, still offering advice and telling me what she would do in my situation. You don't give up that job at any age.


Parents of adults should always be there for their kids of course. There's a big difference between being asked your opinion and for your advice, and just barging in and giving either unsolicited.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cat Lady said:


> Probably about 24 or 25. He hasn’t been diagnosed with bi-polar or schizophrenia. In fact his current therapist ruled out bi-polar.


There are several mental health issues that usually show up in the late teens through the 20's.

My nephew, who is schizophrenic did not start manifesting the mental health problems until he was in college. By his early 20's he was hallucinating and seeing and hearing people who were not there. For example this happened in about 2010. He told me that he was having discussions with my father (his great grandfather) who died in 1970.

At one point his physiatrist said that while he was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, it was also possible that he is bi-polar since extreme cases of the mania phase of bi-polar manifest with psychosis. So it looks just like schizophrenia.

Has your son told his counselor about him seeing the "little boy" and anything else that he hallucinates?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

frusdil said:


> Parents of adults should always be there for their kids of course. There's a big difference between being asked your opinion and for your advice, and just barging in and giving either unsolicited.


My mother has template for dispensing advice. If you mention having a bad experience with something, then her advice would consist of "Why don't you stop doing that."

So I mention in a phone call as I am always looking for the most innocuous conversation pieces, I told that I went to play tennis outdoors in February and I guess that's what restarted my cold.

So, my mother says "Why don't you stop playing tennis?" not stop playing tennis in the cold or outdoors in the winter time, it's just "stop playing tennis" full stop. A couple of decades ago, I would have arisen to the challenge and point out the positives of tennis, exercise, a sport to derive personal satisfaction from; a way to meet new people; get out in the parks. But I decided that's the bait that she loves and gives her carte blanche she'll make some additional negative picayune remark to see how I'll respond. 

This time around I just moved on to another topic and then she came back with "Oh, well, what do I know about tennis." I did not respond to that remark at all.

How much do you want to bet that if I were to ever say, "I sprained my ankle walking" that she'll say "Maybe you should stop walking."


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> Has your son told his counselor about him seeing the "little boy" and anything else that he hallucinates?


Definitely. He’s told every one that he’s had, plus the emergency doctors and his GP.


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## SecondWind (May 10, 2019)

Your situation is heartbreaking. I have no advice for you, just sympathy.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I was wondering about his financial situation? What kind of job does he have? Does he have a lot of assets? You might not like her being an escort, but at least she's working. I guess that's a good sign in that she's not totally taking advantage of him.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

SecondWind said:


> Your situation is heartbreaking. I have no advice for you, just sympathy.


Thank you


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

wilson said:


> I was wondering about his financial situation? What kind of job does he have? Does he have a lot of assets? You might not like her being an escort, but at least she's working. I guess that's a good sign in that she's not totally taking advantage of him.


Just started a great job that pays great. No assets.

You know, if he was really OK with what she's doing, and she wasn't slapping him around, and she didn't keep telling him how much child support he'd have to pay if they split every time they fight, I might agree with you.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Cat Lady said:


> I asked, he answered. And he told me when he had sex for the first time. I think it's great that he's that open with me. It's not like he updates me every time he has an orgasm.


I'm sorry, I still can't wrap my head around that. I'm not a parent, but to me, that's a boundary that you just don't cross. I don't ask my Mom or Dad when they have sex, and I expect that same respect. If I were asked, they would be told that my sex life is the business of me and my partner, period. Don't get me wrong, I think it's fantastic that you guys are super close; not many can say that about the relationship they have with their parents. I sure can't! I just think there are some things that should be kept private, no matter how close we are to our parents.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Cat Lady said:


> I guess something I am having trouble figuring out is how do I be there for him and support him when I cannot support the relationship and am in fact vehemently opposed to it?


I would say that you just be there for him the best that you can. He’s a grown adult, so you can’t really control him, as much as you’d probably like to. I’ve been controlled by my folks for most of my life, and they forced me to break up with a guy I was dating years ago, Super-nice guy, but they didn’t feel we were a good match because our outer appearances were different. I lived with them yet and had to abide by their rules at 22 years of age. I’m 41, and to this day, stuff like that has affected our relationship, and not for the better. I would recommend a different approach if you want to maintain your close relationship with your son.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

Ursula said:


> I'm sorry, I still can't wrap my head around that. I'm not a parent, but to me, that's a boundary that you just don't cross. I don't ask my Mom or Dad when they have sex, and I expect that same respect. If I were asked, they would be told that my sex life is the business of me and my partner, period. Don't get me wrong, I think it's fantastic that you guys are super close; not many can say that about the relationship they have with their parents. I sure can't! I just think there are some things that should be kept private, no matter how close we are to our parents.


I was approachable about sex as I raised him and the questions came up. I was raised in a very religiously repressed household where sex was labelled vehemently shameful, so perhaps I went a bit the other way, but I have always answered questions as they came up (in a truthful manner, age appropriately) and never ever told him he 'shouldn't be talking about that' like I was. This is basically how it is now that he's an adult - if he tells me something or asks I answer. the ONLY reason I asked specifically if he had had sex with her the one night this week was because we had had a huge long discussion about the fact he could have STD's and that until she proved to him in writing or with the dr in person that she isn't infected, and he got the all clear, he needs to not be having sex with her, and he had agreed. I wanted to know if he'd thrown that agreement out the window, and he had. The fact that the question was about sex was secondary - it was a question about something relating to his health both mentally and physically. nothing whatsoever sexual about it.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

Ursula said:


> I would say that you just be there for him the best that you can. He’s a grown adult, so you can’t really control him, as much as you’d probably like to. I’ve been controlled by my folks for most of my life, and they forced me to break up with a guy I was dating years ago, Super-nice guy, but they didn’t feel we were a good match because our outer appearances were different. I lived with them yet and had to abide by their rules at 22 years of age. I’m 41, and to this day, stuff like that has affected our relationship, and not for the better. I would recommend a different approach if you want to maintain your close relationship with your son.


I have never and will never try to control him. I would never 'make' him break up with someone!!! I can see why you'd go there by default from what I wrote, but that isn't and never will be the case. I can however have my opinion about the people he is seeing, and after two years I am allowed to decide I do not approve of and in fact am opposed to this relationship. And IF he asks I will tell him what I think. He won't ask though because he knows what I think and doesn't want to hear it.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

NextTimeAround said:


> My mother insists upon giving me so much useless advice, I try to avoid her now.


Hey, me too! I can only handle being called stupid for not agreeing with her unsolicited advice so many times before I no longer pick up the phone. And she doesn’t give that advice just once; I’ll hear it 6 or 7 times.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

N/A


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Cat Lady said:


> I was approachable about sex as I raised him and the questions came up. I was raised in a very religiously repressed household where sex was labelled vehemently shameful, so perhaps I went a bit the other way, but I have always answered questions as they came up (in a truthful manner, age appropriately) and never ever told him he 'shouldn't be talking about that' like I was. This is basically how it is now that he's an adult - if he tells me something or asks I answer. *the ONLY reason I asked specifically if he had had sex with her the one night this week was because we had had a huge long discussion about the fact he could have STD's and that until she proved to him in writing or with the dr in person that she isn't infected, and he got the all clear, he needs to not be having sex with her, and he had agreed.* I wanted to know if he'd thrown that agreement out the window, and he had. The fact that the question was about sex was secondary - it was a question about something relating to his health both mentally and physically. nothing whatsoever sexual about it.


Ah, that makes much more sense then, and as long as you worded it as a concern about his health instead of "hey, did you have sex with her?", then that's understandable.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

last night 10 pm when I was sound asleep she texts me that my son has left the city and has no plans to come back. I see this at 3:30 am and of course shoot out of bed wide awake. Call him and her repeatedly no answer. He finally texts me at 5:30 am he's fine and is headed back to the city. I don't know how much more of this crap I can take. Why the EFF does she feel the need to send me these messages?? She's done it before and every time it happens I am convinced he's finally done it and taken his life. Every time he is fine. Yes yes I know don't check my phone when I wake up in the middle of the night but I do like to know what time it is. I also have other relatives who may need to call me with legitimate issues. This same scenario with slight variations has played out repeatedly, every 4-8 weeks for the last two years and I am SICK OF IT. I mean, is she trying to make ME crazy? Suck me in? Freak me out? What??? 

I have no idea what even happened. No explanation from either him or her. Haven't asked for one, just told him to call me if he wants to talk which so far he apparently doesn't. I am going to have to go see someone about all of this I guess. A counselor. Just the thought of finding one and paying for it exhausts me. I don't have the time or the money for this.

Just had to rant no need to reply unless you have some magic solution to somehow get this woman the heck out of mine and my sons lives.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Cat Lady said:


> last night 10 pm when I was sound asleep she texts me that my son has left the city and has no plans to come back. I see this at 3:30 am and of course shoot out of bed wide awake. Call him and her repeatedly no answer. He finally texts me at 5:30 am he's fine and is headed back to the city. I don't know how much more of this crap I can take. Why the EFF does she feel the need to send me these messages?? She's done it before and every time it happens I am convinced he's finally done it and taken his life. Every time he is fine. Yes yes I know don't check my phone when I wake up in the middle of the night but I do like to know what time it is. I also have other relatives who may need to call me with legitimate issues. This same scenario with slight variations has played out repeatedly, every 4-8 weeks for the last two years and I am SICK OF IT. I mean, is she trying to make ME crazy? Suck me in? Freak me out? What???
> 
> I have no idea what even happened. No explanation from either him or her. Haven't asked for one, just told him to call me if he wants to talk which so far he apparently doesn't. I am going to have to go see someone about all of this I guess. A counselor. Just the thought of finding one and paying for it exhausts me. I don't have the time or the money for this.
> 
> Just had to rant no need to reply unless you have some magic solution to somehow get this woman the heck out of mine and my sons lives.


Its not hard, block her number. If you want to know the time, get a clock.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

It may not be easy, but it is simple.

Block GF number and tell son you aren’t interested and don’t want to hear anything about their relationship, until he’s dumped her for good.

Then, go live your life and don’t worry about him ... he’s a grown man.

If he wants to call and chat ... fine, but make it clear you don’t ever want to hear her name or anything about her again.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> You probably liked the sense of danger that came with it.


No. I fell deeply in love with her and I only found out about her occupation after we started dating.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

She's trying to 'cut the apron strings'. One of mum's sayings. 

She wants you to stop hovering over him and let him live his life. He's probably feeling similar to how you feel. It's a tough breakup to deal with for mother and son. 

'A son is a son until he takes a wife. A daughter is a daughter the rest of her life.' - not sure of author, mum told me

I know he isn't married. Kinda' sorta' the same thing, I guess.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Cat Lady said:


> I mean, is she trying to make ME crazy? Suck me in? Freak me out? What???


She's using telling you to manipulate him. First, it's embarrassing to him. Second, by involving you and threatening to involve you further she can make him come to heel.

Is prostitution illegal where you live? If so, I'd be damn tempted to tell her that you'll go to the police, her landlord, and CPS with news of her prostitution and drug habit if she EVER involves you again.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

2ntnuf said:


> She's trying to 'cut the apron strings'. One of mum's sayings.
> 
> She wants you to stop hovering over him and let him live his life. He's probably feeling similar to how you feel. It's a tough breakup to deal with for mother and son.
> 
> ...


Thing is though, I don't hover over him. I become involved when he comes to me. He didn't contact me about the other night at all. Only she did. Same thing has happened before and she knows it drives me batty.



Diana7 said:


> Its not hard, block her number. If you want to know the time, get a clock.


I have blocked her number before but it doesn't make any difference - she then uses facebook messenger, another cell phone, I don't even know how she does it but she manages to get through. At least this way I know it's her when she contacts me. 



MJJEAN said:


> She's using telling you to manipulate him. First, it's embarrassing to him. Second, by involving you and threatening to involve you further she can make him come to heel.


I think this is spot on. I just wish my son could see it.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I sure would be tempted to turn her in for prostitution, if it's illegal where you live.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

2ntnuf said:


> I sure would be tempted to turn her in for prostitution, if it's illegal where you live.


The cops here don't really seem to care too much about it, but it's a thought. I have no proof though, only what my son has told me which won't get me far.


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