# Husband hates my brother



## mommaof2n

I'm in a tough marital situation, and it's wearing me down emotionally and mentally.

My husband of 11 years and I have recently had some relationship trouble. We sought counseling, by which I mean that I went, and he joined in a handful of times, and then vowed to never go again. I am still going, alone.

The main problem in our relationship (and there are many) is that he HATES my brother. My brother is a difficult person, not always kind, but has never outright said anything negative or bad to my husband, until recently. (He gave my husband the finger while driving down the road). Basically boils down to the fact that my husband just plain doesn't like him. My family is extremely close, it is just my parents, my brother and I. So you can see how my husband's sudden rage again my brother would really affect my whole family.

Let me preface by saying there was a time where we all got along great, were friends, hung out. Again, different personalities, but we had good times. Then my husband and brother did some work together, and that's when it all changed. At first it was just, your brother is a jerk, he's rude, etc. Now he is saying that I cannot go anywhere with our children (7 and 9) that my brother will be at. So, no grandparents houses for birthdays, holidays, etc., unless I vow to leave before or when my brother and his family shows up. Please remember that my husband has agreed that my brother has never done anything unkind or rude to our children, but that he just doesn't like him, he is a jerk, and he doesn't want our kids around them. 

It has even gotten to the point (today) where he told me that if he finds out that I didn't leave when my brother arrives, he would not "let me" take our kids over there on the next holiday. "He has a right to who our kids are around and what they learn and hear". Apparently he thinks that by being around my brother for a couple hours 3x a year, they are going to become jerks.

Keep in mind - my kids have heard my husband screaming at me countless occasions, belittling me, etc. So it's ok if Dad doesn't it in front of us to our Mom, but god forbid we hear uncle say something that might be rude.

Counselor told us to compromise - I did. I said I would stay home last Thanksgiving, and Christmas morning I would go over there before my brother arrived and leave accordingly. Ended up not being good enough. There is no compromise that will work for him. 

Please help. I'm at a loss. I'm unhappy, and I think my husband is behaving completely irrationally. I'm not looking for a divorce, or a separation. I'm looking to honor his request to not have to be around my brother, but I don't think that means that me and my kids shouldn't. Counselor says that if I give in, it's only a matter of time before it's something else. Looking for some advice.

PS - there are many other issues at play here. My husband is from another country, no family, no friends nearby. He has no social life, even though we have been invited countless times to friends houses for parties. I go alone. Also, binge drinking on the weekends - but "doesn't have a problem because he drinks only once a week".

I don't want to leave him, or divorce him, but I can't live my life feeling like I'm in a prison being told what to do.

Please help.


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## sa58

My wife has an older sister that I do not like very mush.
Mostly because she is a big time gossip and will tell everybody
everything. I do not stop my wife from seeing her. I just don"t 
socialize with her. Your husband is behaving very controlling 
and your counselor is correct if you give in then he will find
something else. You have every right to take your kids 
where ever you want. May be your brother can give you 
an idea what caused the sudden change between them. 
You do not however need to take his verbal abuse.
If your counselor can not help with the problems
then you may have to file for divorce. If the problems 
continue they may only get worse. When you file for 
divorce this may make him realize you are tired of his
behavior and he may try and change. Maybe not!
You and only you can decide how much is enough.


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## ConanHub

Tough one but not much you can do besides putting your foot down (lovingly) and there is a possibility of divorce because he shows no inclination to change behavior that isn't healthy.

I could care less about your brother but I'm referring to his yelling at you in front of the children for example. Your brother can pound sand, he sounds like just as much of a jerk as your husband but he isn't your man or the father of your children.

Your children can see the rest of your family it seems without him being upset so go with that. The other behaviors are troubling however.

There are in laws I didn't want around my children either. Your brother needs to keep his finger to himself. My kids wouldn't be allowed around a jackass that thought it funny to flip me off either.


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## chillymorn69

By your own admission your brother is an ass!

So whos it goingbto be your husband or your brother?

If I had a sister who was mean and unkind I would choose my wife or her.

The best outcome is for your husband to tollorate him for family functions.

I think it a mistake to choose your relationship with your brother over your husband ..and the father of your children.

Is he a good husband/father?


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## StarFires

As long you are not willing to divorce and also not willing to be your own person, there won't be any help for you.

And your counselor is an idiot. There is no compromising to do with a controlling abusive jerk like your husband. You don't compromise being controlled. You either be controlled or you don't allow that crap.

This is not AT ALL about your brother. It's not about choosing one over the other. This is about your husband. It is stupid to say you want to STAY with your abuser.


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## mommaof2n

I'm not choosing my relationship with my brother over my husband! I literally have cut off all communication with my brother. I haven't seen or spoken to him since Christmas(and we live 6 minutes away from each other). I haven't done this to please my husband, but more over because it's too painful for me to try and navigate both relationships right now.


I agree, I would never dream to choose my brother over my husband. That's just ridiculous. However, I feel like this a husband who truly respects his wife would never make her not see her family on a holiday because someone that you don't like might be there.

Over the Thanksgiving holiday I had a long talk with my brother. He said he had no idea why my husband was so mad at him (FYI he is not mad at him, he just thinks he is.....(pick an obscenity)). He offered to call my husband and talk to him - try to work it out for the sake of the family

I have 100% told him that he doesn't have to go to family events- my entire family knows where he stands. So I don't give him any grief about that. If he chooses to stay home alone, that's his choice . I don't think that my children should not be able to see their grandparents and only cousin because their dad and uncle are immature babies.

He is a great dad, and 75% of the time a good husband. I'm still here because of my children, and because he has made me feel like all of our marital problems have been my fault, to be honest. Amazing what counseling can do for your self esteem. 

I could go on - abusive, alcoholic dad, mom who was a dishrag, crappy childhood, etc etc. He has said to me in the past, when I told him his husbandry needed work, that I don't know what a bad husband is. Also, this is real life, men get upset and cuss as their wives. 

Again, not choosing my brother over him - simply wanting to be able to see my family with no guilt or bull**** attached. I don't think that's too much to ask?!


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## mommaof2n

StarFires said:


> As long you are not willing to divorce and also not willing to be your own person, there won't be any help for you.
> 
> And your counselor is an idiot. There is no compromising to do with a controlling abusive jerk like your husband. You don't compromise being controlled. You either be controlled or you don't allow that crap.
> 
> This is not AT ALL about your brother. This is about your husband. It is stupid to say you want to STAY with your abuser.


It's neither of those things(not willing to divorce, not willing to be my own person) to be honest. Clearly I"m struggling with it. We've been together 13 years, have 2 kids - do you just walk away because of this 1 situation? My goal is to try to work things out, but it's hard to do when the other person doesn't give at all. That's why I'm here....I'm trying to get some insight that apparently I am not seeing. 

I guess I'm asking if what he's asking (to stay away from my bro) is that out of line? Because I sure as hell think it is. But again, I would be divorcing my husband over seeing my bro 3x a year.....see where I"m coming from? It seems like putting my children through hell because dad doesn't like uncle.....

Clearly I need some clarity on the issue.


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## ConanHub

I don't think he is unreasonable to not want your children around a guy that flips him off.

That said, the other issues are a real concern.


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## mommaof2n

If this was the only thing - but he's been *****ing and telling me about my bro for over a year. Last year he told me (while drunk) that he would physically prevent me from taking the kids to my parents house if my brother was going to be there.

I ended up leaving and staying overnight at my parents because he was being so irrational. After that there was a mea culpa, don't want to lose you, do anything to stay together etc. 4 months later and here we are again. 

I can't take the fighting anymore. Just trying to work out in my life if I can live being controlled so my kids don't have divorced parents, or if I want to start this battle. 

Do you think it's possible that if I stood up for myself (I'm going, deal with it) that he would back down? Is it that I have always just toed the mark, thus thinks he can be so controlling? What happens if I don't go along with his wishes?


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## ConanHub

He has coping mechanisms learned from his country and family of origin that will be hard to overcome.

He needs someone he can trust and respect that can show him better coping strategies.

You don't have to be controlled. Just do what you need to but I really don't see your brother as the big issue. Your brother is an idiot for behaving badly and I honestly wouldn't want my kids around him either if he behaved that way towards me.


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## sa58

I do not think this is about your brother.
This is about how much verbal abuse you 
are willing to stand for. My wife and I have 
had arguments in the past (30+ years together)
but I would and have never cussed at her or 
refused to let her see her family I may choose
not to go to a family function but she goes where
and when she wants. I do not own or control her.
I I even tried to cuss at her or stop her from seeing her 
family I would be divorced. This again is about you and your kids 
and how much you are willing to take. Think about what this 
may be doing to your kids in the long run. Will they grow up
and think this behavior is acceptable?


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## StarFires

Stop making this about your brother. It has nothing to do with him. It's not about putting your children through hell because dad doesn't like uncle. Get the issue with your husband and brother out of your mind.

This is about refusing to be abused and controlled. Yes, you are supposed to leave over THAT. He's just using his hatred for your brother as another means to control you. You left him once - or rather he thought you left him - and he straightened up real fast. All his promises were empty, like you said he started up again just 4 months later. That's the way it goes. But no matter what he makes an issue about, you are not to allow yourself to be controlled. 

Everything you stated about him is abusive. Screaming at you. Belittling you. Blaming you to make you think his behavior is YOUR fault. And now he has escalated to alienating you from your family. All of this, every bit of it, is abuser's MO. He will also escalate to hitting you because abusers always escalate. And he has already threatened violence by telling you he will physically prevent you from taking the kids to your mother's house. The more you allow them to do to you, the more they escalate to more abusive and controlling tactics. And then they apologize when there is a price to pay, such as you leaving, and they make a million promises to do better. You need to read up on abuse because you are the typical abused woman.

You do not honor the abuser's controlling and demeaning requests. You don't even entertain them. You do not try to compromise with the abuser's controlling and demeaning requests. Find yourself and different therapist because this one is idiot. Some are good but some are terrible, and you got yourself the worst kind. S/He and your husband are the ones who deserve to be together.


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## FalCod

Tell your husband and brother to grow up. They both seem pathetic.


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## ILoveSparkles

ConanHub said:


> I don't think he is unreasonable to not want your children around a guy that flips him off.
> 
> That said, the other issues are a real concern.


I disagree. That is an adult issue and the husband is trying to control when OP sees her family - if her brother is there she had to leave? The kids probably want to see grandparents, cousins etc. Why should they miss out on family time because two adults are having a hissy fit with each other?


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## ConanHub

ILoveSparkles said:


> I disagree. That is an adult issue and the husband is trying to control when OP sees her family - if her brother is there she had to leave? The kids probably want to see grandparents, cousins etc. Why should they miss out on family time because two adults are having a hissy fit with each other?


The brother seems to have escalated it and he is the only family member OP's husband doesn't want his kids around.

Any moron stupid enough to flip me off isn't going to be allowed around my kids either.

I would probably feed the dumb ass his finger myself but that approach isn't for everyone.


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## frusdil

Your husband is the problem here OP, not your brother. Of course your brother shouldn't have flipped the bird at him, that was childish and wrong but good god, get over it man. Or at least get him to apologise, accept it and move on.

I can't stand my inlaws. Would rather hang with an ebola ridden monkey than spend time in their company. The feeling is mutual. I would not however, not allow my children around them. You don't involve children in adult issues.

The exception to this, would be if they were running me down either to or in front of my children. In that case, it'd be the last time they'd see them. But I can't see that happening, as much as I can't stand them, they are good grandparents and they wouldn't do that.


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## NobodySpecial

I agree with the issue being your husband's, and that is not my default position. It is badly exacerbated by the fact that he has rejected marriage counseling. If he did not like the therapist, then get a new one or whatever. But issuing dictates is a No Go.


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## arbitrator

*Before rendering a judgment one way or the other, I would like to know more specifics about any of the other incidents that your H had with your brother, other than the "finger episode."*


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## Yeswecan

Let me ask you, who do you wake up to everyday? Your brother or your H? What really precipitated the falling out between your H and your brother? 

I understand you wanting to have your kids knowing their uncle. But if the uncle is an issue of sorts then perhaps it is best not spending any time together is the only resolve. What is the real issue between your brother and H? Further, would your brother somehow belittle your H when your kids are present(H not present)? 

I can assure you my W and I have family we do not associate for various reasons. We do not let our kids associate for various reasons. We are only asked to love them....we are not required to like them.


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## dreamer2017

Dear Momma,

I’m sorry you are facing these unfortunate circumstances. I agree with Conan; your husband shouldn’t accept any indecent responses from your brother. That being said, underneath this pain and agony, I believe the true internal challenge you are facing (if you believe it or not) is choosing a life between your family (parents and brother) and your husband. I know that is a very hard choice, but your primary family (husband and kids) comes first. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be allowed to visit your parents and brother whenever you desire. I also believe your husband has developed some bad habits that shouldn’t be a part of your life. I think you and your husband should invest in a good marriage counselor before it’s too late and before wrong choices are made.

Best,
Dreamer


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## ChargingCharlie

dreamer2017 said:


> Dear Momma,
> 
> I’m sorry you are facing these unfortunate circumstances. I agree with Conan; your husband shouldn’t accept any indecent responses from your brother. That being said, underneath this pain and agony, I believe the true internal challenge you are facing (if you believe it or not) is choosing a life between your family (parents and brother) and your husband. I know that is a very hard choice, but your primary family (husband and kids) comes first. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be allowed to visit your parents and brother whenever you desire. I also believe your husband has developed some bad habits that shouldn’t be a part of your life. I think you and your husband should invest in a good marriage counselor before it’s too late and before wrong choices are made.
> 
> Best,
> Dreamer


This is so true. I can't stand my wife's sister - she's a drama queen and a mooch who's constantly running her mouth about things she knows nothing about (which is most things). Nobody can stand her, but my wife is deathly afraid of upsetting her, and will give her what she wants (such as money) so that she's happy. My wife really thinks that she has a responsibility to do whatever her sister needs, even though her sister is a grown woman in her late 50's. It's not our fault that the sister can't keep a husband or a job, or can't resist spending whatever money she makes. 

There comes a point where you have to put your husband and children first, and let your siblings know that they're now down on the totem pole a notch.


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## MattMatt

@mommaof2n Have you ever mentioned what a jerk your husband is to your brother?

Has your brother witnessed him being a jerk toward you?

If so, then your brother is -in his own way- probably trying to look out for your interests.

Why did he flip your husband off? Was it deserved or not?

And your husband *is* an abusive, control freak jerk, with alcohol issues.


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