# Sharing to get off my chest. Recent argument...



## y5mgisi (Oct 20, 2021)

Tonight, as I write this, my wife is crying in our bed because she "feels like she can't do anything right"...

I'll try to tell the story. It's snowing here. Her dad lives with us. He's on disability. He's also a general dumb dumb. Her dad announces he's going to the store for smokes. Ok... Whatever. It's snowing and you have a car and I have three awd/4wd vehicles to choose from that I could take and go for you but whatever. (I assume it's because he's afraid to ask me to do it, and that he's been dieing to try out his car in the snow for years now. An 06 Ford fusion...)

My wife looks out the window, sees the snow covered roads.

Wife:the roads are all white. Do you think we should stop him?
Me:I don't know? If he wants to go I guess?
Wife:I just don't know if it's really a good idea for him to go.
Me:I'm finding it difficult to form an opinion on it.

So she goes out and stops him from going and informs me that we'll be going for him.

I think she could tell that I was agitated when she came back in and I was ready to go. 
Now, she thinks I was mad because we had to go to the store. I love driving in the snow. I am one of the ones that prays for snow.
But what really pissed me off was her dad being such a worthless loser and his burden falls on me for one thing, and for another, that she wanted us to stop him but wouldn't ask me to agree with her. Or she just wanted me to read her mind in agreement. When I didn't really agree. Who am I to stop a dude from doing something that had a decent chance of success? Even if it did also have a decent chance of failure. Why do I have be the voice of reason and enforce my will?

So when we got back from the store, and I even took her the long way home so she could se the Christmas lights in the snow, she asked if I was still mad at her.

Wife: are you still mad at me?
Me:why was I mad at you?
Wife:cause I made you go.
Me: why would that make me mad?
Wife: I don't know.
Me: I was mad at you for a minute and I'll tell you why. The thing that made me mad was that I could tell you were asking me to agree with you and I wasn't going to be able to. And I sensed that you were getting upset with me not acting on stopping him while still asking if I thought we should stop him. And that it's our responsibility to insert ourselves in front of your dad and his questionable choices.
Wifecrying)I'm sorry. it just feels like I can't do anything right.
Me: I was really just trying to let you know what it was that had gotten me upset. You don't have to apologize or feel bad.
Wife:well you were mad at me yesterday and mad at me today I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.
Me: no I'm trying to explain that it was like a bump in the day and I'm back to normal now and that you don't have to feel as upset as you seem to right now.
Wifestill crying) ok. I'm sorry.
Me: well I didn't mean to ruin the evening.

And now I'm in the bathroom and she's in bed crying.

Relationships are difficult.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

I made my wife cry on Christmas morning. At least you waited until the day after. 😑

Get out of the bathroom and do your best to make her feel better. And next time if you want to let him go then take charge and tell her that. As tiring as it is as a man, it always seems to end up a disaster in one form or another when you bottle up what you want and let the wife run the show.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It sounds as if your wife feels caught in the middle between you and her dad. You clearly resent him, she loves you both, and is trying to keep you both happy. Not easy to do.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

This is one of the weirdest conversations/tiffs. Y'all need decoder rings to understand one another. Try speaking plainly and do provide input when asked.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Sounds like what you resent is having her Dad around and having to think about crap like this...sounds like it's a frequent issue. I'd not like it either. So just say that..."wife, you need to understand that sometimes your Dad is hard to deal with and so that irritates me. That doesn't mean I'm angry at you, it just means I'm irritated and like most irritations, it will pass. If you dissect it, that only makes it worse. I don't feel it's my place to police your father. He's a grown man and that's just not my job." 

She feels like she can't do anything right because she's stuck between being a daughter and being a wife and that's no easy place to be. I've been there and it's VERY hard. I don't think it's such a horrible thing for a wife to ask her husband's opinion on something and hope he agrees with her and supports her. If you're going to have your FIL live with you and not have it destroy your marriage you will both learn to communicate better. "Wife, I know you want me to agree with you on this but I don't, I understand why you're feeling the way you are and I'm not mad about it, but I just don't feel it's my place to stop him." 

Good communication makes a relationship great. Because when you don't say something, people fill in the blanks with something very negative, it's just human nature.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

y5mgisi said:


> So she goes out and stops him from going and informs me that we'll be going for him.
> 
> *I think she could tell that I was agitated *when she came back in and I was ready to go.
> Now, she thinks I was mad because we had to go to the store. I love driving in the snow. I am one of the ones that prays for snow.
> ...


Were you, or weren't you mad at her? This flip flopping is probably driving her crazy. She knew you were angry, picked up on it right away and you denied it repeatedly.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

notmyjamie said:


> She feels like she can't do anything right because she's stuck between being a daughter and being a wife and that's no easy place to be.* I've been there and it's VERY hard.* I don't think it's such a horrible thing for a wife to ask her husband's opinion on something and *hope he agrees with her and supports her.* If you're going to have your FIL live with you and not have it destroy your marriage you will both learn to communicate better.


OP, this is a pretty good summary of your wife's situation. How would you feel if the roles were reversed, if it were your mother who was living with you and your wife was stressed? Or if you were in her father's place (which can happen down the road)? You don't mention her father's age or the reason for his disability, but if it includes beginnings of dementia, he isn't capable of making good decisions.

Sometimes we don't get to choose the things that happen in our lives, but we can choose how we respond to those circumstances. In this case, you said that you enjoy driving in the snow. So this was an opportunity to respond gracefully and show some kindness to FIL and wife at same time, doing something you say you enjoy. Try some empathy, you will be FIL's age before you know it, hopefully you aren't dependent on relatives in your old age.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I would have just said straight up that the old man can go to the store under his own free will and it isn’t your job to cage him up (pending his actual ability to do so)


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

y5mgisi said:


> Tonight, as I write this, my wife is crying in our bed because she "feels like she can't do anything right"...
> 
> I'll try to tell the story. It's snowing here. Her dad lives with us. He's on disability. He's also a general dumb dumb. Her dad announces he's going to the store for smokes. Ok... Whatever. It's snowing and you have a car and I have three awd/4wd vehicles to choose from that I could take and go for you but whatever. (I assume it's because he's afraid to ask me to do it, and that he's been dieing to try out his car in the snow for years now. An 06 Ford fusion...)
> 
> ...


from past experience, let me just say this: DO NOT offer to let the old guy drive your fancy 4wd SUVs. He will put it in a ditch on its roof.

Let him crash his own car

that is all


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> I would have just said straight up that the old man can go to the store under his own free will and it isn’t your job to cage him up (pending his actual ability to do so)


Think about what you wrote....

What if he gets in a wreck and gets hurt, or worse?
You will feel some blame, and get some blame from your wife.

She will be beside herself for allowing him to drive!
You will never live it down.

We all get old, some age poorly.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Just to clarify one aspect of this -

OP, were you frustrated that your wife communicated her concern sort of sideways, hoping you'd pick up on her -implying- you should stop the FIL and make the trip yourself? Vs just asking you to do it? Was it her method of communication that made you mad?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

*y5mgisi, *

You call your FIL a loser, I am sure your wife knows your take on him. 

He may, indeed, be a loser in life, but you need not burden your wife with this.

Even if you do not always express your assessment of the man, your wife knows how your feel.

As others have said, your wife feels herself in the middle.

Grit and bear it, take charge, do the proper thing.

Hide your resentment.

I do understand your feelings on this, but this is part of life.

With respect to your FIL, aging makes weak men, the worse.

Your own children, if you have them, will note how you treat your elders.

If his situation gets unbearable, you will need to put him in some Old Folks facility.

I know, the costs are astronomical. 



_L-_


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

y5mgisi said:


> Relationships are difficult.


Yes. 

I told my wife a long time ago her family is not moving into the house with us. I could foresee **** like this happening all the time and I knew my reaction would not be good so I told her straight up, look this is not going to happen.

I said if you need to send money, buy stuff, whatever, go ahead and please don’t tell me about it. This is what she has done and it has worked out great.

Such and so needs to live with us and move in down the hallway, hell no. The only people who are allowed to stay are people I know are guaranteed to leave.

BTW the converse is also true. I don’t want my parents closer than a 30 minute drive ever and definitely not in the house.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> Think about what you wrote....
> 
> What if he gets in a wreck and gets hurt, or worse?
> You will feel some blame, and get some blame from your wife.
> ...


This would be the reason I'd smile and go immediately without further discussion, smiling, happy to go. And get it over with. There was no other choice. And I'd forget about the whole thing five minutes later if not quicker.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> BTW the converse is also true. I don’t want my parents closer than a 30 minute drive ever and definitely not in the house.


I hope you are never faced with this, thankfully our parents are long gone so we are not faced with this. But, when a relative or even a good friend is in dire need, it is difficult to avoid helping if it is within our power to do so. I couldn't live with myself to have one of my kids, grandkids, or other relative living on the street when I live in a house with empty guest rooms.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> Think about what you wrote....
> 
> What if he gets in a wreck and gets hurt, or worse?
> You will feel some blame, and get some blame from your wife.
> ...


Hence the “ providing his ability to do so.”

It is a difficult line to draw ... when you should remove someone’s choice and will. Obviously he is still driving as he has his own car.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

It's so obvious that you're passive-agressive to her due to having her dad living with you two. I mean sooo obvious. 

Why can't you be straightforward communicating what you really feel and think to your wife? are you afraid or something? feel inadequate having heart to heart conversations?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> Hence the “ providing his ability to do so.”
> 
> It is a difficult line to draw ... when you should remove someone’s choice and will. Obviously he is still driving as he has his own car.


Yes.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> I hope you are never faced with this, thankfully our parents are long gone so we are not faced with this. But, when a relative or even a good friend is in dire need, it is difficult to avoid helping if it is within our power to do so. I couldn't live with myself to have one of my kids, grandkids, or other relative living on the street when I live in a house with empty guest rooms.


Yeah I requested that the help comes in the form of money and not an imposition on my time.

Aunt has a crappy vehicle that breaks down and no money to fix it? Buy her one and don’t tell me.

Such and so is going to get evicted and needs X, pay off their debt and don’t tell me or them (they didn’t like that).

All I ask is you don’t mess with my house. I can pay for a bunch of people to not deal with that nonsense. When I was younger I’d get mad about it but now that I’m older I was stupid, it was the best money I ever spent.

Fortunately my own blood relatives can take care of their own end of life care, but I will have one coming up soon and it’s the same plan again, pay for it and don’t tell me how much it costs and then we’re all good!

I understand not everyone can do this and in that case I’m not sure what I would do, I’d probably end up like the OP. Mad at the situation and trying to figure a way out of it.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Rob_1 said:


> It's so obvious that you're passive-agressive to her due to having her dad living with you two. I mean sooo obvious.
> 
> Why can't you be straightforward communicating what you really feel and think to your wife? are you afraid or something? feel inadequate having heart to heart conversations?


I too felt the passive aggressive.

That's saying something cause me and Rob don't agree on a whole lot.

She feels like she can't do anything right. Why? Cause you knew you'd go to the store. You claim to not mind driving in the snow. 
But when your wife reached out to you for help and support you simply refused to provide it and got upset. Situations involving aging parents can be upsetting. 

You are choosing to allow it to create friction with your wife. Why? Cause it's her fault her dad is aging? Cause it's her fault he would go out in a snow storm for something? No, because she cares. Because she believes she can count on you. So you punish her for that. 

You missed your opportunity to strengthen your relationship instead you choose to tear a tiny piece of it apart. If you knew you were going to go then you should have just said "Hey, father in-law, I was heading out anyway, I'll pick that up for you" or something. If you truly think he is capable of driving in a snow storm and getting said item then just tell her that.

Remember she is probably upset and frustrated too. Work as a team not against each other.


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## Uniqueusername (Dec 24, 2021)

gaius said:


> I made my wife cry on Christmas morning. At least you waited until the day after. 😑
> 
> Get out of the bathroom and do your best to make her feel better. And next time if you want to let him go then take charge and tell her that. As tiring as it is as a man, it always seems to end up a disaster in one form or another when you bottle up what you want and let the wife run the show.


I love your response. I couldn’t agree more with you.


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## y5mgisi (Oct 20, 2021)

I really didn't post to get too much advice or go back and forth. The number of assumptions made by folks on here is a little shocking to me honestly.

There is no issues with him driving due to age.
I attempted the line of communication.
I did grit and bear it. Again.
I did better than in the previous 14 years of our relationship by talking about what upset me instead of just continuing to bottle it up.
I mistakenly thought she would understand the thing that made me upset, now that I was no longer upset and explained it in a calm and I think clear manor.

Now I feel like I'm the one who can't do anything right... So that's awesome. Oh well. Guess it's just another time to add to the list of reasons I should leave, which is simultaneously the list of things that I will tolerate in a relationship.

The amount of stuff that I hate myself for tolerating is enough to make me explore all exit strategies if you know what I mean... 

I can't believe that neither of us are happy, and separating still isn't option...

Anyway. You guys can continue the advice if you want to. Just know that it will fall on deaf ears. Everything you can tell me, I've told myself. And it doesn't make any difference in the things I do. Oh well. Woe is me and whatnot. Self pitty and such.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

y5mgisi said:


> I really didn't post to get too much advice or go back and forth. The number of assumptions made by folks on here is a little shocking to me honestly.
> 
> There is no issues with him driving due to age.
> I attempted the line of communication.
> ...


So....you didn't want any responses...??


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

LisaDiane said:


> So....you didn't want any responses...??


OP wanted responses. He wanted us to say that his wife should be happy that he is willing to go get the smokes. He's expressed that he's proud that he shared his frustration instead of bottling it up. He wants his pat on the back.

Sure bottling frustration isn't good. But he's missing the point. His wife feels his frustration and thinks she is to blame. He hasn't shared in a way that is a team effort. Does dad live with them because she wanted it? Does she feel guilty and this just makes the guilt more? But of course he doesn't care about her feelings. He's all wrapped up in his own which is why neither of them is happy in their marriage. 

He live in the world of I'm right or she's right. She seems to live there too so when he's frustrated with her Dad she feels wrong.


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## y5mgisi (Oct 20, 2021)

Never mind. Thanks. I forgot that I'm a piece of **** for a minute there.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

y5mgisi said:


> Tonight, as I write this, my wife is crying in our bed because she "feels like she can't do anything right"...
> 
> I'll try to tell the story. It's snowing here. Her dad lives with us. He's on disability. He's also a general dumb dumb. Her dad announces he's going to the store for smokes. Ok... Whatever. It's snowing and you have a car and I have three awd/4wd vehicles to choose from that I could take and go for you but whatever. (I assume it's because he's afraid to ask me to do it, and that he's been dieing to try out his car in the snow for years now. An 06 Ford fusion...)
> 
> ...


Of course, if he had gone and being a dumb-dumb, he'd likely have ended up in a ditch, and then you'd have had an even bigger project, but it does sound like either way, you were equipped to handle it. I would just say that if you're going to be responsible for getting him what he wants when he wants, maybe a talk with him is in order so that he can tell you in advance what he will be wanting so that you or your wife can pick that up on your regular trip to town or the store. 

But of course, there's always the chance he just wanted to get the hell out of the house and feels a bit smothered there, but if that's the case, he could be not living there.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

y5mgisi said:


> Never mind. Thanks. I forgot that I'm a piece of **** for a minute there.


Wow. No one is saying you are a POS. What we are saying is you and your wife aren't communicating very well and you both seem very self centric. Which is normal but doesn't make for the best relationships.

So when you and your wife talk you take everything in so deeply with no self reflection?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

y5mgisi said:


> I really didn't post to get too much advice or go back and forth. The number of assumptions made by folks on here is a little shocking to me honestly.
> 
> There is no issues with him driving due to age.
> I attempted the line of communication.
> ...


Wtf??


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why can’t you separate if that would be a better option?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

*@y5mgisi, * 

A few thoughts. First the child/parent relationship is very complex, especially as one becomes and adult and even more so as the roles are reversed and the "adult child" becomes the parents caretaker. You wife is between an emotional rock and hard spot, and you are not necessarily part of the problem, unless you actively become part of the problem.

Second, a married couple knows each other very well and often communicates extremely well. Specifically, a wife can really know how her husband feels, just by his body language, the tone of this voice, facial expressions, etc. When you call your FIL a looser, you really need to expect she knows exactly how you feel about her father, the most important man in her life, until you came around. She will have strong feelings for her father until long after he is dead.

One of the hardest parts of aging is knowing at some point your independence will deminish. A major milestone in that process is when you loose the ability to drive a car. I have had to work with a father (because of my mother's concerns) on disabling his pick-up truck so he couldn't drive it anymore and a FIL who was a functional alcoholic and really should not have been allowed to drive after his wife died and he was deeply depressed. Neither of them lived under our roof, so that helped a lot.

You are not a POS. You are a man put in a really difficult position. You live with three (or more people). (1) A woman who is a wife and daughter, but is struggling to become a caregiver for her aging father. (2) A Father-in-law, who probably views himself as an adult and somewhat independent man who can make his own decisions and take care of himself, but who still has decided that he is better off living with his daughter. He probably has all kinds of issues with his not being able to take care of himself and being taken care of by his daughter. He also probably doesn't like the idea of you being the "alpha male" under the roof where he lives. (3) Yourself. You have demonstrated some negative feelings (your calling your FIL a looser) toward your FIL. You know how important your wife's father is to her, that is why he is living with you. You likely don't want to assume the parent/caretaker role over your FIL, but unless he dies quickly and unexpectedly you will have to assume some of that role at some point in his life.

You need to sit yourself down and so some serious introspection, as it is only going to get worse as your FIL ages. You need to let go of your anger and resentment to your FIL. You need to accept that he is an extremely important part of your wife's life and as such an important part of your life. May I suggest you do some self-hypnosis or affirmations on how grateful you are to the man who created and raised the woman you fell in love with. He helped raise her and shape her views on men. You are filing the emotional space your FIL created in your wife's heart. Yes, in some ways his living under the same roof as you and your W is emotional competition. You need to understand how torn your wife is between the two most important men in her life. Yes, she is crying, of course she is crying, because she loves each of you so very much.

Once you have sorted things out in your mind, ask to speak to your wife. Apologize to her. Let her know how stressful it must be to find herself in the position of transitioning from the child being protected by her father, to becoming her father's caretaker and guardian. Tell her you understand how much it must emotionally tear at her balancing her role as a wife to a man she loves to the father she loves, but now must be responsible for. Let her know that you want to make her life easier and that you are going to try harder to not resent her father living with you.

Good luck. If can't handle it by yourself, then you might want to look at how you & your wife can pay for a retirement home for him to live in or seeking some counseling for youself.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Anastasia6 said:


> You missed your opportunity to strengthen your relationship instead you choose to tear a tiny piece of it apart.


This for emphasis. 

This is exactly how men chip away the love and respect of their woman.

Long time ago in my late 20's I realized this. Ever since, I not only don't get passive-agressive about it, but I learned that if I anticipated and before being asked I would volunteer to whatever task at hand for her or her family that I was gaining points, more and more as time goes by. 
My wife to this day from what I hear from people, always gives a good loving reference about me when asked by friends or relatives of her. 
I'm not saint and I have my character, but I always put my wife and my kids first when it comes to: we have a situation could you resolve it?

29 years since we met and we're extremely happy with each other.

OP should realize and understand that the more you touch your wife's heart with deeds (no just words), the more she will be happily into you.

The more you hurt your partner, the more you erode their love and good will for you.
Listen dude: I'm basically a hardliner, no-nonsense guy, but as hard I probably come across in reality I do balance well in my life and interactions with almost anyone. It just that age has taught me what my boundaries are and I stick by them.

You too should have boundaries within yourself to know when to hold them, and when to fold them with grace.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Young at Heart said:


> …you might want to look at how you & your wife can pay for a retirement home for him to live in…


This.

If the OP hasn’t nope’d out yet. It doesn’t sound like he’s kaput if he can drive around and take care of his own errands.

Even if he’s not retirement age or disabled or whatever you can kick the guy some cash for an apartment. Will likely be doing this in the future myself for one or more family members.


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## y5mgisi (Oct 20, 2021)

Here's one of my other threads for context. The amount of assumptions yall have made tho... We both hate her dad. We wish we could get rid of him. But we haven't been able to for the same reason I haven't been able to get myself to leave after all these years. We'd feel like terrible people knowing that he (or my wife in my case) can't make it on their own.

I've been in hate with my job for years now. Wife quit her job against my wishes less than a year into our relationship. But she got me to stay. Oh well. Her parents moved in when he made them homeless again. And I didn't want them to live in a tent again. They moved in with us when we had our first house. 720sqft. It was supposed to be for up to 6 months while he found another job.

BTW he doesn't have dementia. He just has severe anxiety and severe narcissim and is detachment from reality that is not age related. He's 57.

I've been going to therapy for years now to help with my depression. Not my wife.

I've been reading books on coping with ptsd etc. Not my wife.

My wife can get free college through my work. At home. Nope. Do any of the tree people that live with me do anything to bring home any money? Nope. It's all on me. We had to sell our first house before we were ready so that we could buy the bigger house once it was clear they weren't leaving.


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## y5mgisi (Oct 20, 2021)

New member into. 35/m. Married 14 years. Want out but...


Just another depressed guy here. No one needs to reply to this but I'm just going to try to use this as a way of possibly working through this myself by getting some of this off my chest in a reasonably safe place. So here's the short-ish version... When we met, she was 19 and I was 21. I knew...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## y5mgisi (Oct 20, 2021)

I make less than our bills are every month. No one can be bothered to help me out there. When I say I'm overwhelmed and want to quit my job, my wife says I'm scaring her because it will take away all that she has now. Why do I keep replying... Lol why do yall keep replying?? Lol I'm wasted time.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

y5mgisi said:


> Here's one of my other threads for context. The amount of assumptions yall have made tho... We both hate her dad. We wish we could get rid of him. But we haven't been able to for the same reason I haven't been able to get myself to leave after all these years. We'd feel like terrible people knowing that he (or my wife in my case) can't make it on their own.
> 
> I've been in hate with my job for years now. Wife quit her job against my wishes less than a year into our relationship. But she got me to stay. Oh well. Her parents moved in when he made them homeless again. And I didn't want them to live in a tent again. They moved in with us when we had our first house. 720sqft. It was supposed to be for up to 6 months while he found another job.
> 
> ...


Best thing you can say for your sanity is bye all, sell house, purchase your freedom. Remember William Wallace? 

FREEDOM !!


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

y5mgisi said:


> New member into. 35/m. Married 14 years. Want out but...
> 
> 
> Just another depressed guy here. No one needs to reply to this but I'm just going to try to use this as a way of possibly working through this myself by getting some of this off my chest in a reasonably safe place. So here's the short-ish version... When we met, she was 19 and I was 21. I knew...
> ...


So get out. Hand your wife divorce papers. Evict the parents. It was nice of you to take them in. I have taken in both my mom and my MIL and my nephew and my daughters friend at various times. But I wouldn't do any of it, if it was going to cause issues with my husband.

However if you are going to stay married then you should work on your communication with your wife. You should work on being happy and if you can't do that married then get divorced. Staying in a miserable relationship isn't the way to go.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

y5mgisi said:


> I make less than our bills are every month. No one can be bothered to help me out there. When I say I'm overwhelmed and want to quit my job, my wife says I'm scaring her because it will take away all that she has now. Why do I keep replying... Lol why do yall keep replying?? Lol I'm wasted time.


That is sad and I can understand your frustration. However, no one has to purchase a $400k house. Some how you went from a 720 sq. ft. house to a monster mortgage. Put the house up for sale and file for divorce.

If you want to stay married give your wife the option of getting a job to help out. Are you sure your FIL's only issue is narcissism? or could he be bipolar as well. It's admirable to want to help people. I too help people. It's normal to then feel unappreciated and taken advantage of (been there still doing that) but again if it is becoming a marital issue then cut them loose. You have choices. 

I have my MIL with us cause otherwise she'd be homeless. Was it wise probably not. Does me or my husband enjoy it. Definitely not. But it's something we do together and it brings us together it doesn't tear us apart. We have a long list of things we have weathered in our marriage that probably would effect others. But doesn't really phase us. It's just a phase that we will weather together and come out the other side.


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## y5mgisi (Oct 20, 2021)

I'm the one that communicates. I'm the one who introspects. I'm the one that's had all my friends systematically stripped from me. I have to work overtime at a job I hate to pay for Christmas presents for a guy I hate. I have no money left over for me to go after my passions.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

y5mgisi said:


> I'm the one that communicates. I'm the one who introspects. I'm the one that's had all my friends systematically stripped from me. I have to work overtime at a job I hate to pay for Christmas presents for a guy I hate. I have no money left over for me to go after my passions.


So do something about it.
Instead of sitting for a year or 14 years and stewing. DO something.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

y5mgisi said:


> Never mind. Thanks. I forgot that I'm a piece of **** for a minute there.


Stop this...no one said that. You aren't helping yourself at all thinking like this.

I believe if you would stop feeling powerless (because you are NOT), then you would see you actually have options and you wouldn't be frustrated and lashing out.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

So what are your passions?


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## y5mgisi (Oct 20, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> So do something about it.
> Instead of sitting for a year or 14 years and stewing. DO something.


So many of you have never considered killing yourselves because of the mess you made and being so broken that it feels impossible to change anything.

I ****ed up big time. I'm in a permanent limbo of my own doing. I get that I let this all happen. It's no one's fault but mine and I agree with that.

How do so many people not understand that kind of thing. "just leave"... Yeah no ****! Any one under the sun with a half way level head on their shoulders would have left years ago. I on the other hand, am so ****ed up about what to do and what I've done with my life that I'm paralyzed with confusion. So yeah. I'll just put the house for sale and say bye. Good idea!

I know I'm being a **** but geeze... No sympathy for a broken 21 year old that got his first real relationship with a 19 year old and married one year later. I was broken. I didn't know what real relationships were. And she knows how to manipulate... And she's broken too. So I ****ed up. And now I'm a stupid fking retard that wants to kill himself as a way of allowing myself to get out of this life I so foolishly made for myself! I hate myself so much for what I've done, but still find it impossible to leave her because I don't think she could make it without me.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Just flat out tell your wife and her dad that you are negative on bills each month and they BOTH need to get a job and chip in. If they do not, you will be forced to sell the house and anything you can get after that will NOT have the room for them. Give them a month and if no action, contact a real estate agent and get moving on that.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

y5mgisi said:


> So many of you have never considered killing yourselves because of the mess you made and being so broken that it feels impossible to change anything.
> 
> I ****ed up big time. I'm in a permanent limbo of my own doing. I get that I let this all happen. It's no one's fault but mine and I agree with that.
> 
> ...


Thing is you aren't 21 anymore. You've had 14 years to figure this out. Killing yourself is the cowards way out. And if you are worried how divorce will impact her then read up on what suicide does to the one you leave behind.

No. I have great sympathy for you. But sympathy isn't really what you need. In your other thread you are talking about quitting your job and divorcing. So which is it? You are going to keep going not changing anything? or your going to quit your job and divorce?

You know there are things in the middle. You say you love her and she has good qualities. You say you both hate her parent but don't want them to be homeless. So how about you put this $430k house on the market. Buy a much smaller one and get a tiny house that you put in the backyard for the parent or even better on their own small lot. Some of the tiny houses are a cheap as $10k. Then you tell you wife that it's time for her to get a job or you will be divorcing her that it isn't fair for you to carry the whole burden. She can cry like she did when she got the Kmart job but then don't 'fix' it for her. Just empathize. Let her know you too hate your job. Having parents with mental illness is very hard on children. I'm sure it's hard on her. She may never be able to completely let them go. But that doesn't mean they have to physically live in the house with you. You say your FIL is on disability. Well that should be enough to pay utilities and groceries.

Mostly you have to start taking ownership of your choices. She doesn't make you..... She tries to get you to... and you do it the whole time resenting it. Learn to say no.

Frankly this you prefer to be alone 90% of the time isn't relationship material. You were living the good life at 21. You seem to focus on 15 years ago and think that if you weren't where you are that you'd be back there. Life moves forward. YOU need to move forward. YOU need to figure out what you will and won't do and then you need to stick to it. 

Also make better money choices so in the future you have more life choices. In one post you have a $400k house and 3 or 4 cars. Don't buy so much. Do you live in California? Are you on the spectrum?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

y5mgisi said:


> So many of you have never considered killing yourselves because of the mess you made and being so broken that it feels impossible to change anything.
> 
> I ****ed up big time. I'm in a permanent limbo of my own doing. I get that I let this all happen. It's no one's fault but mine and I agree with that.
> 
> ...


If you want sympathy or understanding, you need to explain your struggles better in your opening post.

When you post in a confusing, self-pitying way, no one can tell what you need or want.

And @Anastasia6 gave you some GREAT ideas to get you on track with what it sounds like you want in her post #45.
Will any of those help?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Well, you didn't explain any of this in your opening post. So, I take back what I said because although correct does not applies to you in this case, and instead I will tell you that it is obvious that you have mental and coping problems and you need professional help, like yesterday. 

You need to come to a Jesus moment and decide what is it that you're willing to tolerate and what not. Once you do give everyone your immediate decision and **** them if they aren't happy. 

You seem to lack the most basic impulse all living things: thst of self preservation. Find it and put yourself first, then those that you're willing to help. 
Just *****ing about it will not take you anywhere. Your choice and your choice only. No one can do it for you, but YOU.


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## y5mgisi (Oct 20, 2021)

Thanks I guess. I should have been more clear in my first post and specifically stated that I'm not looking for advice. Just to get it off my chest. Now I feel even more stupid and worthless than before I posted. Can't you see that if I hate myself enough to consider killing myself that I do view this all as my fault? I feel helpless becwmy brain doesn't seem interested in allowing me to follow the suggestions you all have set out. I have thought of every idea and more on how to make this work out. 
At this point I feel so stuck and trapped and can't believe what I've done to my life that I just can't even figure out what I'm supposed to do for me anymore. Am I supposed to stay because love is the most important thing in the world and any amount of suffering on my part is ok because it's all for love? Am I supposed to put myself 1st like they say in all the books? I'm pretty sure at this point I'm just going to stay forever and just attempt to throw the rest of myself away and just be Mr Perfect. 

I might try to write up a whole long story about everything on the computer instead of my phone. But what's it going to do? Just show everyone all the ways that I have already killed myself metaphorically and all the ways I've been tossed aside? Tell everyone that I know I need to leave but can't get myself to do it? Bottom line, I hate myself, and mostly the entirety of my life. I just don't want her to have to suffer and hurt. So I guess I'm going to likely stick around and learn my lesson on repeat. I know I can't stop with the woe is me stuff. 

Lastly, please understand that virtually any advice you can give, I already know. And already ignore. It's me that I hate the most. Not her.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

y5mgisi said:


> ......Can't you see that if *I hate myself enough to consider killing myself* that I do view this all as my fault? *I feel helpless* becwmy brain doesn't seem interested in allowing me to follow the suggestions you all have set out.
> 
> ....*At this point I feel so stuck and trapped and can't believe what I've done to my life* that I just can't even figure out what I'm supposed to do for me anymore. *Am I supposed to stay because love is the most important thing in the world* and any amount of suffering on my part is ok because it's all for love? *Am I supposed to put myself 1st* like they say in all the books? I'm pretty sure at this point I'm just going to stay forever and just attempt to throw the rest of myself away and just be Mr Perfect.
> 
> ...


A few thoughts. I lived through my wife's brother committing suicide and a co-workers spouse. Suicide destroys more lives emotionally than just the life of the person that dies. My father-in-law also threatened suicide after a number of heart attacks. He didn't, he died of another heart attack. Just talking about suicide is a huge red flag.

I realize you don't want advice and you have done individual therapy. You also see to understand a lot. Yes, venting and journaling are great therapy. By all means vent to a sympathetic group. Are there any support groups you might be able to join to get the empathy and support you need and are not getting from your family? Some companies Human Resource departments have emotional support counseling options. Not sure what your firm might offer and you probably would have gotten help if it were available.

I am sorry you are feeling so bad and sad. There are others who have faced equally as horrible circumstances. There have been others in war-zones that have faced worse. I tend to be an optimist and feel that while much of life is a veil of tears and a struggle, there is the hope for better times to strive for.

Again, I understand you feel like you are trapped, but there are inspirational stories all around this world of people who have pulled themselves out of poverty and dead ends to lead very satisfying lives. Is there something in life that you find joy in that is not expensive? If so what is it? Can you do more of it?

It sounds like your most immediate problems are financial, and family, with work also on the list. Do you have any religious minister or priest who you can talk to. At times when I felt down and really upset (not a much as you), I have talked to a priest, confessed my sins and evil thoughts and had the priest offer forgiveness and God's love. I know it sound corny, but talking to real people in such a setting can be emotionally cleansing. They may also have some resources to help your family members become better with and better understand money. Perhaps asking them to participate in some free financial resources might be a way for you to feel a little less burdened. Maybe a weekly listening to say a Dave Ramsey podcast could help your family members understand that they are part of the problem. I am not recommending this for you, as you have said you don't need anything, I am recommending it for your wife, FIL, etc. Financial Ministry resources

Good luck. Things are hard for many because of the whole Covid pandemic. I hope you find some happiness.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Just admit you were young and dumb when you decided to follow the herd into matrimony. 

By divorcing, you allow your wife to grow up and become a full-fledged adult. That is a gift.


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