# One sided affection



## alton (Jul 18, 2012)

Been married for 10 months and we're both really happy as far as I can tell. Most aspects of the marriage are great, we still get along like a house on fire, there is still a load of chemistry there and although we've cut down on the sex, we still do it on a regular basis.

The only issue is, as far as non-routine kisses, hugs, emotional chatter, sex and even general playfulness goes, it's almost always instigated by myself. Worse yet, her reaction to my impulsive kisses or affection is often indefference or even irritation (when she's trying to do something else!). None of this was the case up until 4-5 months ago.

As far as problems in marriages go this is probably considered pretty minor but it has started getting to me and is getting me down. Is this just her adapting to how most marriages end up before I have or what? Is this something I should just accept?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Lots of questions... but I would point out the (when she's trying to do something else) comment CAN come from the fact that she is literally busy with stuff. And your not. It's easy to get into the mode of "have to do this and this" and you miss her being playful. 

I'm NOT saying you should do more, but maybe consider WHAT she is doing when you are being playful. What is she doing??


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Alton,
Read the link. This is a very, very common phenomenon. There is a simple approach to it, but you need to be disciplined. 


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html



alton said:


> Been married for 10 months and we're both really happy as far as I can tell. Most aspects of the marriage are great, we still get along like a house on fire, there is still a load of chemistry there and although we've cut down on the sex, we still do it on a regular basis.
> 
> The only issue is, as far as non-routine kisses, hugs, emotional chatter, sex and even general playfulness goes, it's almost always instigated by myself. Worse yet, her reaction to my impulsive kisses or affection is often indefference or even irritation (when she's trying to do something else!). None of this was the case up until 4-5 months ago.
> 
> As far as problems in marriages go this is probably considered pretty minor but it has started getting to me and is getting me down. Is this just her adapting to how most marriages end up before I have or what? Is this something I should just accept?


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## alton (Jul 18, 2012)

Thanks for the link, quite scary how many of those warm partner characteristics describe me, don't like being described as clingy but maybe that's the case? Not sure the wife is quite in the cool department yet.



deejov said:


> Lots of questions... but I would point out the (when she's trying to do something else) comment CAN come from the fact that she is literally busy with stuff. And your not. It's easy to get into the mode of "have to do this and this" and you miss her being playful.
> 
> I'm NOT saying you should do more, but maybe consider WHAT she is doing when you are being playful. What is she doing??


The thing is I've always done these things at the same moments and it used to have a different reaction. I've cut it out when she's genuinely busy as I've not liked the irritated reaction but then even when she's not in any real hurry she's still brushing it off.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

It's good you're here early in your marriage. I'm going to guess that you're on your way to being a "Nice Guy". Probably the less she shows affection, the more you initiate it? Try to push her to want to be more affectionate? Try doing more and more nice things to get it? That doesn't help. 

It's early enough that this hasn't become a really ugly long-term pattern. Stop trying so hard. Stop pushing so hard. Give her some room. Then after she's had time to not feel defensive, tell her what you need.

Also go read: The Book


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## alton (Jul 18, 2012)

I think fortunately at some point I started to withdraw a little rather than carry on pushing more and more. 

I do see the logic behind what you say and what MEM posted. This has definitely opened my eyes a little and I will continue to ease off and give her more space, and think twice before I do some of the things I've been doing. But I'm a little wary about how this ends, what if the end result is we both end up being cool and the affection in the marriage fizzles out?


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

alton said:


> I think fortunately at some point I started to withdraw a little rather than carry on pushing more and more.
> 
> I do see the logic behind what you say and what MEM posted. This has definitely opened my eyes a little and I will continue to ease off and give her more space, and think twice before I do some of the things I've been doing. But I'm a little wary about how this ends, what if the end result is we both end up being cool and the affection in the marriage fizzles out?


At some point you'll want to talk to her about it (unless of course she starts coming around when you pull back). But you don't want to do that when you've been pushing harder and harder. If you do that, it just comes off as needy and critical.


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## jasun (Jul 18, 2012)

Alton, 
Let me start by saying I am in the same boat as you. Any affection at all was always started by me. She is just the type of person that didn't enjoy sex. She also never says I love you unless I said it to her and same with kissing.... It is just who she was. It wasnt like that when we started dating, but we have been married for 5 years this year and it has not got any better. I tried the backing off thing to see if she would come on, so I stopped saying I love you and stopped kissing her to see if she would and she did not. Again, it is just who she is. 

I dont know what to tell you bro, but it always made me feel like the girl in the relationship...


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

alton said:


> Been married for 10 months and we're both really happy as far as I can tell. Most aspects of the marriage are great, we still get along like a house on fire, there is still a load of chemistry there and although we've cut down on the sex, we still do it on a regular basis.
> 
> The only issue is, as far as non-routine kisses, hugs, emotional chatter, sex and even general playfulness goes, it's almost always instigated by myself. Worse yet, her reaction to my impulsive kisses or affection is often indefference or even irritation (when she's trying to do something else!). None of this was the case up until 4-5 months ago.
> 
> As far as problems in marriages go this is probably considered pretty minor but it has started getting to me and is getting me down. Is this just her adapting to how most marriages end up before I have or what? Is this something I should just accept?


You sound like me. It was my partner (hubby) that cooled first in the relationship. Some people aren't as warm and affectionate as others and unfortunately for those of us who are in a relationship with one it can really sting when our partner gets back to that norm in themselves where they are not as affectionate as us. I really do think it is a matter of them being busy and not wanting to be bothered or interrupted with affection when they are busy doing something else. To them, there's a time and a place. To us, it should be anytime and anyplace. LOL


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## alton (Jul 18, 2012)

jasun said:


> Alton,
> Let me start by saying I am in the same boat as you. Any affection at all was always started by me. She is just the type of person that didn't enjoy sex. She also never says I love you unless I said it to her and same with kissing.... It is just who she was. It wasnt like that when we started dating, but we have been married for 5 years this year and it has not got any better. I tried the backing off thing to see if she would come on, so I stopped saying I love you and stopped kissing her to see if she would and she did not. Again, it is just who she is.
> 
> I dont know what to tell you bro, but it always made me feel like the girl in the relationship...


Oh yeah, that's one of the worst things, feeling like the girl (no offence ladies!) and feeling needy when all you really want is a bit of balance. The 'I love you' thing rings true as well.

I think if it was just who she was then it would be a little easier for me to accept, but it isn't. She does like all those things or at least she used to. 

She still enjoys sex for example and never really puts up a fight but she doesn't try to seduce me like she used to, she doesn't kiss me in that way she used to that used to let me know she wants it!


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## jasun (Jul 18, 2012)

alton said:


> Oh yeah, that's one of the worst things, feeling like the girl (no offence ladies!) and feeling needy when all you really want is a bit of balance. The 'I love you' thing rings true as well.
> 
> I think if it was just who she was then it would be a little easier for me to accept, but it isn't. She does like all those things or at least she used to.
> 
> She still enjoys sex for example and never really puts up a fight but she doesn't try to seduce me like she used to, she doesn't kiss me in that way she used to that used to let me know she wants it!


I asked her about it and she was always really reserved and didn't talk about her emotions much, and usually when I brought up about her not initiating anything, or for that matter, telling me no to sex, it usually ended up starting a fight. That was really the only thing we ever fought about. 

I would say as long as she is more open, I would bring it up to her and see what she says instead of a bunch of stangers :awink:

If you ever need to talk, PM me.


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## alton (Jul 18, 2012)

Well I think I've gone and made things a whole lot worse.

I went home yesterday and basically had this on my mind, and I'm one of those guys that have their emotion written all over their face. So when the wife got home she knew right away that something was up, and instead of just brushing it off as work stress or something I decided to just say 'it's nothing' which led her to pressure me for about an hour to tell her what it is. Eventually I caved against my better judgement, and I even told her it's better not to go into it, but she still wanted to know. So I told her everything, ranging from what I'm feeling to what I've learned here yesterday.

A defensive reaction would have been bad, but her non-reaction was far worse, it was essentially 'ok, lets go eat dinner'. We basically didn't speak in a meaningful way for the rest of the night and spent most of it apart, which is a big deal as we're always talking and always together. Only thing she did was force me up to bed while I was lying on the sofa, at which point I was quite annoyed with her. 

I don't really understand that reaction at all. I open up to her about how I've been feeling, she knows I'm a little upset, she knows I'm a little annoyed, but she's just trying to carry on like normal? It's left me feeling a little embarrased and exposed, can't even be in the same room as her. 

I think she's just decided to ignore the issue until things go back to normal, which is something she's quite good at. 

Think I'll just go for a swim after work today, can't face her.

Thanks Jasun, appreciate it.


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## jasun (Jul 18, 2012)

alton said:


> Well I think I've gone and made things a whole lot worse.
> 
> I went home yesterday and basically had this on my mind, and I'm one of those guys that have their emotion written all over their face. So when the wife got home she knew right away that something was up, and instead of just brushing it off as work stress or something I decided to just say 'it's nothing' which led her to pressure me for about an hour to tell her what it is. Eventually I caved against my better judgement, and I even told her it's better not to go into it, but she still wanted to know. So I told her everything, ranging from what I'm feeling to what I've learned here yesterday.
> 
> ...


That sounds all too familiar... Every now and then we would talk about why she was not affectionate and she would say "It's just who I am"... I know how you feel about opening up to her to get an under whelming response. You tell them something and like you said, a no response is way worse. 

I probably say "GD" more then a Christian should... She would always tell me I need to stop saying and one night we were arguing about the above issue and I said "GD" and she told me to stop saying that and I told her "It's just who I am..." She didn't like it very much, but I think I made a small point... It might be who we are, but that doesnt mean people can't work to make the relationships work.... There is compromise... there has to be. You might not get what you want all the time, but she has to give some back to you.... I think I would have fainted with excitement had she ever initated sex with me... It is something that never happened. I would be ok with her not wanting to on any given night, but it was always a one way street. 

I'm sorry the conversation didn't go as planned with your DW and even worse, I can't say "But now you know how she feels...." because you don't know...

All I can say is don't be passive aggressive and sulk... if she asks what is wrong, come out and tell her... or better yet when you see her ask her about how what you told her made her feel because you didn't feel like her reaction told you anything... 

Maybe her no response was because she didn't know what to think... maybe she needed sometime to think about it.. Maybe not... 

I know that you don't want to have this conversation because you are afraid of where it will end up... but you have 2 choices... Go down that rabbit hole or stay where you're at...

Good Luck Man.


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## alton (Jul 18, 2012)

Thanks Jasun.

I don't really want to initiate a talk because I know what direction it will go down, she'll clam up. For as long as I've known her she's never been able to talk openly about emotional stuff. 

Will take your advice about not sulking though, she already knows how I feel so I don't need to posture. Just hope she doesn't decide to just ignore it.


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## jasun (Jul 18, 2012)

I think your wife is related to mine.... One way i found that mine opens up more (as childish as it sounds) is via e-mail... 

To be 100% honest, she told me this week that she was not in love with me anymore and not happy in our relationship anymore... I knew I needed to talk to her but know how those talks go, So I sent her a lengthy e-mail yesterday to which she replied... I had a good conversation with her that way... I think it is easier for her not face to face... 

Doesnt mean it went the way i wanted it to go, but she opened up more that way then she would have if we would have talked.. I would have got a lot of "I dont know" head shakes...


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## alton (Jul 18, 2012)

Ouch, sorry to hear that man. For what it's worth I've always believed you can't fall out of love with someone, it's just other emotions getting in the way. The PM offer is open to you too. 

Funilly enough, for Valentines day she accidently bought one of those cards that have a big sheet of paper inside where you write a long letter. So she had to fill that in... it was amazing, she's never verbally told me anything close to the things she wrote. So the email thing might work, but I'm wary of making this a bigger issue than it is so don't want to do anything too out of character. 

I think I'm going to play it cool for now and see how it goes. She's aware of how I feel so I'll just give her a little space and hope she processes it.


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## alton (Jul 18, 2012)

Couple of interesting develepments since I started this thread. 

The good news is that I've learned if I'm more selective with when I show affection she'll respond in exactly the way she used to. In other words I've learned to realise my previous expectations of her dropping whatever she's doing just because I'm feeling playful is unrealistic and unfair, while if she's free she'll give me what I need.

The bad news is a result of a little experiment I decided to understake. About a week ago I decided to stop initiating sex to see if the wife would pick up the slack and to my dissapointent, she hasn't. I don't think we've ever gone longer than a week without doing it and even then it's usually out of our hands. Without wanting to go into too much detail... it's not like she doesn't enjoy it or she doesn't get into it when I initiate it.. she does, very much so. So why is it she can't start it up?

The flaw in my little experiment is that circumstances for the last week and for the next couple of weeks mean by the time we're alone together we're both pretty tired. But even then I would hope it doesn't go on much longer.


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