# Is there hope for us and what do I do?



## lateralligator (Apr 26, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for 7 years next week. We've been together for 10. We have a son who'll be 3 in a few months. I'm 42 and he's 39.

My husband is a good guy, and I know he loves me which makes all of this so much worse. I respect my husband and don't want to hurt him, but I'm really struggling with our relationship and whether or not I can do this forever if things don't change.

I've tried to talk with him about how I feel - with the TV off . The first few times he just didn't respond and I wasn't ready to go the distance with the the conversation either so I didn't pursue it. 

The last time we talked I finally just straight out asked him if he was happy in our marriage. He said, "Yes, I really am". And I asked him "What if I'm not?" He was clearly shocked. I told him I feel more like his roommate than his wife and that I'd really like to feel like his wife again and not just someone he sits with on the couch at night while working on his laptop (a subject we've discussed before with him working too much OT). That we won't make it spending another year or two like this. 

Our sex life has been pretty slow as well and I told him he's always tired and that it's just depressing living with someone who's tired all the time. I do initiate, but it doesn't matter and have ended up feeling so rejected that I've kind of given up. I asked him if he's just not attracted to me anymore. He again was shocked and just kept saying how much he loves me, but yeah that he admits things have fallen off and he has been tired and lazy. I don't believe he's with anyone else, but who knows.

I tried talking to him tonight some more telling him I know I'm going through a mid-life crisis and that I feel restless. It doesn't help that these other problems in our marriage are coinciding with that. I asked him to look it up online to get an idea of what I was talking about and I think he did, but he didn't ask me anything about how I was feeling or ask to talk about it. There is no one else in this equation other than the two of us.

He also doesn't know how to provide support to me at all. We've been together for 10 years so I clearly don't need a shoulder every minute of my day, but once in a while, I just need someone to tell me things are going to be OK and my husband has never been able to do that for me. Most of the time he just shuts down and usually doesn't say anything. So I'm left to put myself back together when times are tough. Sometimes I wish he'd just step up and take control/take charge of things. I don't even care if he does stuff my way. 

I'm just not sure what this marriage is doing for me anymore. How is it good when you're with someone all of the time and yet you're alone and lonely? I told him if we go on like this, with us both not putting in the work together, that eventually what I feel for him will just die. I don't know what to do for us. I don't want to rip my family apart and I don't want to just give up.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

You two need to get into MC NOW. Your problems are NOT insurmountable. You are feeling the effects of laziness and apathy because you've both been 'coasting' for a while.

MC will help you focus on communication so you can both receive what you need from the other and give the other spouse what he/she needs. It will also help you set goals for your marriage and your life.

You two should also set up some date nights AWAY from the house. Start doing the things you used to do when you were first together...the things that made you want to spend more time with your SO and made you want to get to know each other better.

Speak to your husband about MC and WHY it would be good for the 2 of you...not to BLAME, but to UNDERSTAND and FIX what is currently stale and boring between you two.

Good luck!


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

First of all I find it encouraging that you choose to adress your issues instead of just jumping to the affair solution! My story (and my wife's) is similar to yours, except that she decided differently:-(

I think that it is important, that you keep focus and stick to your "marriage-alert" - tell him, that you really mean serious business, and that you both need to change in order to save your marriage.

He must understand the gravity of your red flag in order to change.

It could be, that you just view your relationship in different ways, so maybe you could benefit from 5 love languages - we had quite some eye openers when reading it together. 

I wish you the best.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

MC and \ or counsellling for yourself might be helpful.
For you, if you are feeling like MLC and restless and not sure what to do with your life. Get out of the rut, and try new things, and I agree with getting your son into some activities.

Your husband might also benefit from reading Married Man's Sex Life Primer. To break his rut and become a little more alpha, as it seems like you are looking for more of an alpha mate. (A guy who takes charge in life, is more aggressive sexually, etc) He's a bit too soft right now, and you are looking for more passion and excitement?

Also keep in mind that since he is happy with the status quo, and you are not, you will have to do most of the work here. If you want things to change, do it gently and lead him along. 

But I would definately start with working on yourself, and finding out what it is you want in life and what you are seeking. (a bit of learning to be happy with yourself and a bit of finding your own hobbies or interests). Best wishes,


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