# Guys...Need your help...What does "need my space/want privacy REALLY mean!



## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Ok...I know I'm probably opening Pandora's box but....I just don't understand?!?!?!? WTF don't get freak'n married if you need space/privacy?!?!?!? Yes everyone is an individual and Yes everyone has their own unique identity! But what do you guys expect after you get married?!?!? I almost think that it's a catch all phrase to get back at us for the "emotional connection"!?!?!? HELP!!!!!! Someone please break it down so us women fold can understand?? PLEEEEEEASE!


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## Xander (Oct 20, 2010)

What, you think getting married means you're no longer entitled to need or ask for space?

He has told you plainly what you need. There is nothing mysterious about it.

I need space about twice a week. I love my partner deeply. We have sex frequently, she makes me laugh, she is my favorite person. And when we are apart, I miss her. *But if I don't have a couple of hours of alone time to do whatever I want -- without interaction -- I go crazy.* 

Alone time is crucial to keeping a sense of *self*-fulfillment. And if your relationship stops him from feeling self-fulfilled, then your relationship is in big fat trouble over the long term. 

People who don't understand this try to talk their way around it. They argue that what is good for the relationship is what's good for the individual. That is not true. You have to make tradeoffs from time to time and emphasize different things -- the relationship versus the individual -- at different times to keep things healthy.

What concerns me most is the hysterical tone of your OP. I can see that you're crowding the **** out of him. Stop it. Stop it now, for the sake of your relationship.


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## Well_Spouse (Feb 2, 2011)

Too Much of anything can be a problem. 

I need periods of being alone. Just to sort out what I think/feel and keep my sanity. I have been known to spend hours in a car driving everywhere/going nowhere listening to the piston symphony and sorting out myself. 

In times gone bye males would spend many hours lying in silence waiting for prey to come within striking distance. Perhaps this is some manifestation that men are programmed to?


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i think a little quiet time is good for anybody. i have the time when the kids are in school, and in the weekends they go outside.

i try and take the kids out and let husband have time alone so he can yell at his video games, or play his music as loud as he likes.

i dont think we have had our time so much lately, but a little space is good and ok. just come back to me, and talk about your day, and listen to mine.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Yeah, it's true, everybody needs some alone time every now and then. For me it's when gaming but mostly drawing/painting. For my gf it's not having me around her. Has nothing to do with payback or whatever. Sometimes you just need time away, not be near the one you love so you can appreciate him/her more. Might sound strange but think about it like this: You love your children, they are everything to you. But they also take up all your time and attention and wouldn't you want to be away from them once in a while because they are really working on your nerves?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

It becomes a problem though, when space and privacy become paramount for one partner. Then the other partner is left to wonder - what the hell is wrong with me, why did you get married if all you want is space, etc.

I've experienced the same issue.

I got married because I loved my husband and wanted to BE with HIM. Not because I wanted to be with myself, can do that anytime and could have stayed single and continued to be with myself.

When I became part of our "team," that's how it originally started - he appeared to want to spend time with me too. There was no MAN CAVE back then, we watched TV together, drove to work together (working at the same base), etc. HE wanted to be with ME.

Fast forward to a few years down the road and all of a sudden there is a NEED for space, a NEED for a man cave, a NEED for separate interests, etc. So it left me wondering - what the hell happened? While I understand some need for space and privacy - if your space takes you away from your spouse and the family unit on a regular basis - then perhaps you need to stay single. If your privacy means you are "hiding" things that should be shared with your spouse or things that should be transparent - then perhaps you need to stay single. If you cannot be OPEN, then perhaps you need to stay single.

I believe "that" is the context she is referring to. I'm sure she doesn't mean that they have to be tied at the hip and know and be ALL to each other - that would be suffocating - but also, when you pull back and no longer WANT to share the time or all of a sudden NEED more privacy - that is an entirely different story.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Could mean he's having an affair! Investigate cautiously.


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Xander said:


> What, you think getting married means you're no longer entitled to need or ask for space?
> 
> He has told you plainly what you need. There is nothing mysterious about it.
> 
> ...


I understand that and h has that. He has his "man cave" in the basement full of exercise equipment, tv, vcr/dvd... where he exercises...and "stuff" Must admit it's not 2 hours but it is 5 times a week for about hour 1 hour 1/2. 

I'm sounding frantic because he has MORE time now than he has ever had before in our 16 (almost 17) year marriage!! Same is true for the privacy!! Says I hover and try to control? No more than he does and it doesn't bother me?!?!? Sooooo again I ask what..why...I just don't get it?:scratchhead:


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> It becomes a problem though, when space and privacy become paramount for one partner. Then the other partner is left to wonder - what the hell is wrong with me, why did you get married if all you want is space, etc.
> 
> I've experienced the same issue.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
Thank you for understanding!!! That's EXACTLY what I mean!!! So, what did it mean for your h? How did/do you get around/deal with it? What does he says it means? (I know soooo many questions!!!)


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Workingitout said:


> Could mean he's having an affair! Investigate cautiously.


Believe you me...Investigate I do!!! Soo many "coincidences" that have made me question him and in general not trust him. I suppose it's a vicious circle because the more he pulls away the more I don't trust him...and the more he pulls away?!?!?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

2sick said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
> Thank you for understanding!!! That's EXACTLY what I mean!!! So, what did it mean for your h? How did/do you get around/deal with it? What does he says it means? (I know soooo many questions!!!)


I knew that was exactly what you meant because I'm in the same situation and have the same feelings about it.

I deal with it by doing my own thing sometimes and not letting it bother me. I will leave him in his man cave and not worry what he's doing and let him worry about what I'm doing . It's hard, especially if you feel rejected, but give him the space and have him seek you out. Or maybe, give him MORE space than he can handle and it will start to bother him! 

My husband says that I get too clingy, want to spend all my time with him, that we have to do everything together, etc. 

Says that when he's on the computer, I don't HAVE TO KNOW what he's doing. If he makes a phone call, it's his business, etc.

What I find funny is: I don't care who he calls and have never asked; I occasionally ask what he's doing on the computer as a means of communication to start a conversation, not to invade his privacy--if I really want to know, I can look when he's not around; I don't have to spend all my time with him and I actually don't. 

I get about 2.5 hrs per night and the weekends/holidays - is it too much to ask that he spend some of that time with me? He has all the time to do what he wants to do 5 days a week since he doesn't work and I do--that is all HIS time, do whatever he wishes; and we don't do everything together because we're not always together.

If you break it down at my house, here it is:

24 hours in a day
7 days a week
168 hours in a week

I work (driving time and actually at-work time) - 55 hours a week

He goes to sleep between 6:30 and 8:00 pm each night. I don't get home until 5:30 pm. 

So I'll use 8:00 pm. I get to see him 2.5 hours per night in a week for a total of 12.5 hours (he is NOT UP when I leave for work so I don't see him in the mornings at all).

There are 48 hours in the weekend.

So - 60.5 hours of his time in a week is available for me. That's out of 168 hours in a week - that equates to me being ALLOWED to have 36% of his time during a 7-day week. That allows him 64% of his week to do whatever the hell he wants and none of that time is tied up with work - he can't and doesn't work.

Add a holiday and we're up to 73.5 hours during a 7-day week available for me.

Hello - I'm smothering him, I'm clingy, he has no space, no privacy, etc. He is only in my actual physical presence 36% out of 100% every week - and that's too much to ask!

He should have stayed single - 36% is not to much for ME to ask.


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## Xander (Oct 20, 2010)

Wait -- he doesn't have a job of any kind? 

If he's home all week and still doesn't want to see you, then something's up. That level of irritability on his part smacks of contempt, which is usually what happens when someone feels trapped in a relationship and fantasizing about another one.

I'm re-casting my vote with the "investigate cautiously" crowd.


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## rotor (Aug 28, 2010)

Is it possible that you could be dealing with an introvert? If that’s the case then the need for space or alone time is perfectly normal. It’s how us introverts recharge our batteries.

Do you know his Myers-Briggs Type Indicator? If you don’t then you might both consider taking one of the many free online MBTI tests. Personally I think every married couple should know this information. It’s a great way to find out why you spouse is… Well, so gosh darned weird. LOL

Type Use For Everyday Life - Psychological Type and Relationships

Below is a somewhat tongue and cheek article on the subject of introversion. All kidding aside it is probably the most accurate thing I have ever read on the subject.



> *Caring for Your Introvert*
> 
> The habits and needs of a little-understood group
> 
> ...


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I knew that was exactly what you meant because I'm in the same situation and have the same feelings about it.
> 
> I deal with it by doing my own thing sometimes and not letting it bother me. I will leave him in his man cave and not worry what he's doing and let him worry about what I'm doing . It's hard, especially if you feel rejected, but give him the space and have him seek you out. Or maybe, give him MORE space than he can handle and it will start to bother him!
> 
> ...


OMG!!! You ARE me!!! With the exception of my h works and I stay at home. It's tooo funny because he works on a base so he ACTUALLY has even more privacy and space because NO one can get on without prior consent. Also he is now going out of town every third week from mon-wed. I really don't know HOW to give him more space except to leave him...which I hope is not what he wants?!?!?! I suppose it's just because we have been married for so long and he is 46 (soon to be 47) and probably going through some sort of mid life crisis?!?!?! 

He too says that I'm crowding him on the computer but like you I'm just asking him for asking sake....so I guess you're right....maybe I just won't ask?!?!? But I think it's sort of sad to not communicate and will cause even more space between us. I'll try!!!! I guess it can't hurt.:smthumbup:


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Install keylogger and review cell phone records. 



2sick said:


> Ok...I know I'm probably opening Pandora's box but....I just don't understand?!?!?!? WTF don't get freak'n married if you need space/privacy?!?!?!? Yes everyone is an individual and Yes everyone has their own unique identity! But what do you guys expect after you get married?!?!? I almost think that it's a catch all phrase to get back at us for the "emotional connection"!?!?!? HELP!!!!!! Someone please break it down so us women fold can understand?? PLEEEEEEASE!


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

im sorry i misundrestood. MW, that sounds like the short end of the stick and most unfair...2sick, sorry if you are in the same boat as well.


i had a theory a few years ago, my husband are on the younger side of age [early 30's] and we spend a lot of time together. he works close to home, and i go to his job before he gets off, and we walk home together.

we go to the store together like 99% of the time. we are always together. my MIL dosent spend that much time with her husband, and a few other folks i talked to [who are about 10+ yrs our senior] also said they dont spend that much time together.

a lot of people told us, when we were younger, ahh, you'll grow out of that, watch, when you get to our age, you wont want to spend that much time together..

my h and i do have a friend who does whatever he wants, and spends no time with his wife he is actually about 7/8 years younger than us, and he just says well boys nite out, bye. or will leave on a mans weekend, and leave his wife home with the kids.

he asked me if my husband could go, and i said ohhh i wanna go, and he said no. he asked my husband if he wanted to go[ my h was standing next to me the whole time] my husband said we go together or not at all. 

this confused our friend, and he laughed, and didnt invite us anywhere again.

is it a mentality, that when the ring goes on...men think thats it, no need to talk or spend time with them...????

to me this is very bizzar. i too got married to hang out and leave the house together, and to talk at home, watch movies with, and cook together.

?????????????????


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Pandakiss said:


> im sorry i misundrestood. MW, that sounds like the short end of the stick and most unfair...2sick, sorry if you are in the same boat as well.
> 
> 
> i had a theory a few years ago, my husband are on the younger side of age [early 30's] and we spend a lot of time together. he works close to home, and i go to his job before he gets off, and we walk home together.
> ...


PK I'm with you!!!! Yes individuality is important but there is a reason why you get married. But it does seem tooo common that after a certain amount of years guys turn back....Sad to say my h and I were close like you and your h early in our marriage...but I guess the magic number for those men who don't leave after the seven year itch is the ten year need my space!! Who knows?!?!?! I find it bizarre too, I don't think I'll ever get to that point unless I'm ready to leave.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I knew that was exactly what you meant because I'm in the same situation and have the same feelings about it.
> 
> I deal with it by doing my own thing sometimes and not letting it bother me. I will leave him in his man cave and not worry what he's doing and let him worry about what I'm doing . It's hard, especially if you feel rejected, but give him the space and have him seek you out. Or maybe, give him MORE space than he can handle and it will start to bother him!
> 
> ...


I know this isn't your thread, but there is something up with your husband. I'm assuming there is a serious reason why doesn't work, but he is treating you very badly, he has a lot of space.
What he is saying doesn't add up, and the computer and phone call issues are very suspicious. he is hiding things from you clearly.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Don't know if this helps, I may not be married, but I can guess that I would not want the man in EVERYTHING I do. I told the last guy I was with, if I did not have my best friend to talk about certain things in certain ways.... without him... I probably would have castrated him in the first month. I am not the same person in ever situation, no one is. Everyone needs time in their own space. Not a bad thing. My ex enjoyed the shoting range with his bro on occassion. I did not mind hearing about it, but had absolutely no interest in being there, neither did I enjoy being around to watch him act like 18 year old, sitting a garage having a few beers with the neighbor boys (and neither did their wives). I went to his house a few times and ended up sitting upstairs reading a book quietly while he played downstairs with one of a million projects on his own. 

Not sure what your man means by "space and privacy", but I know I do enjoy my own, and plan on continuing to after marraige. Though if that "space" involves crossing certain lines, well.... That's another story for sure


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