# 3 months..when does it look up?



## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

February 24th, I left. It took a very good friend to light the fire and push me to function but I needed it because where I was and where things were in my marriage there was no going up we weren't going to resolve anything, and it was constant cut throat war.

Shortly later we discussed that we both had things we individually needed to work on with ourselves, and things we needed to but *could* work on for our marriage and that we thought we could do it, separation was the best route for us.

what I didn't know the day we had that conversation was that the day after i left he emptied my bank account, bought a substantial amount of drugs and has been on a binge since. But needless to say, while I continued to move myself and my life forward for ME I also allowed the hopes and efforts towards fixing our problems to continue.

I'm working hard to do things for me. I have come leaps and bounds..the change is so profound thus far that it's even evident in my pets. They're happier, perkier, more relaxed, and even my princess baby of a cat's coat health has improved (mind you I feed one of the highest quality foods available and spend my spare time researching everything to better their lives) I can now decide I want to do something and go do it. Thursday I'm going to drive to another state to see a concert for my favorite band..where, before I left, I would not have it in me to walk down the street to the store I was absolutely terrified to do anything myself and would just sit inside until he came home and then hide in the office in front of my screen until I could manage to sleep. I've lost weight BUT I eat. I don't look like a zombie anymore, I can relax and not be on edge. 

The problem is when I'm alone or when the slightest thing offsets my day I lose it. It's like I live on the edge of what I can handle and anything will set me off. I still can't make sense of why he's done what he's done, says what he says, or why things had to go the way they did. As if that is not enough to eat at me, for 3 months the promise of "I love you" and "I want my wife" have been thrown at me in between persistant insults and arguements mixed in with sexual relationship only to confirm my fears ultimately.

I went from the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, to the wet hole until he found a new one. Mentally. I've accepted this, and I'm doing everything I can to convince my emotions of the same. But its been so up and down. Ever since last wednesday when I twice found myself randomly bursting into tears for NO aparent reason ( I was completely alone and singing with the radio..a happy song at that) every time I turn around Im just sunk into this hole.

I know that I have needs that need to be met, I know what my boundaries are, and I know that I can't support what he's doing to himself, the path he's walking, and the way he behaved for the past year or more. I know this absolutely. At what part do I get to have the rest of me catch up to that?

Monday we spent the day together and it was wonderful. wednesday he came over wasted on who knows what sort of combination, made a complete embarassment of himself and me infront of my siblings yelled that it was over, and stormed out. To spend his next shift with my friends bragging about his episode, bragging about his drugs, and bragging about a date he has saturday and his sexual hopes for the evening.

SO here I am. with my morals, boundaries, aspirations, and slowly growing self worth, respect, and esteem. Every time I turn around something else is done or said to just dig into my skin and make me hurt. I'm sure at some point my skin will toughen but when? There's no longer any contact. I'm not in hiding, I do still go to work and see friends and at this point even if he tried again I cannot let myself give in and refuse to..but that in itself hurts. I'm just wondering how long it takes for it to feel better and that sinking feeling to go away I guess.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

(((Hugs)))

What you are feeling is completely normal. Some days I feel like I am taking 2 steps forward, only to take 4 steps bacK the next.

Your husband has a serious problem, that only he can decide to fix or not. You are very smart to detach from this situation so he can't drag you down with him.

I know it hurts. I know your sad. Are you in counseling for yourself? If you aren't already, I would suggest you do. It can do you a world of good.

Be proud of yourself for the changes that you are making. It's hard to do.

I would suggest you not sleep with him anymore. Is it honestly helping you feel better about yourself? You are worth so much more than that. Love yourself enough to know that you deserve better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

I think you gotta go the NC route and look into counseling for yourself.

You left on Feb 24th for a reason, but continuing this contact that results in very turbulent outbursts (on his part) is not healthy. Your needs or not, I think you may wanna consider NC for a bit.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

By needs I meant what I need from his side of the marriage. Like, when I asked him what he needed from me as a wife his response was "to love me" where as I have defined needs that really, in all honesty, aren't even that grandiose.

NC is hard. I can refrain from calls and texts and so on, but we work together. It's already cost me hours and pay not being able to work with him and another source of employment is difficult because i don't have my own transportation, that was his. I can't get a car loan quite so easily either due to his debts attached to my name and really all I have is my knick knacks and clothes and pets. I don't even have a bed to regularly sleep on.

I left because it was the only option available to give the marriage some sort of chance staying would not have changed or helped anything except to make it worse..it just eats me alive still that there's nothing I can do and everything he does is to spite me. Im losing another hour tonight because we were scheduled to work together again for an hour and after his latest boasts and digs, I can't possibly look at him.

I'd just like to get my head together.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Oh wow, working together must be very difficult.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

you know, it wouldn't be so bad because I can handle being professional if it wasn't that every other employee in the building and customer was dragged into the middle of it.


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