# To which tomorrow, the Sun responds



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

The battle inside is the rational, logical side of me trying to make sense of all this, and the self preservation side of me that knows better than to try. I wasnt given time to address anything, given time to heal before seeing her parked across the street at her new mans house. I perform all the tasks of the day, going to work, caring for my kid (when shes with me), cleaning, laundry, dinner,,in my new role of single dad and Robot, and yet I feel like I am completely displaced, and keep wanting to stop and say, "Wait a Minute, WTF was all THAT???" The rational logical side of my brain keeps attempting to fit all of these events into even parallel lines that I can process, but when I do process them, it only reveals more layers of this capacity of hers I never knew existed, how ignorant I was of who she truly was, or at least the capacity to become. Oh, the revelation of how much credit I gave her, in comparison to what she truly deserved... Love is surely blind. This revelation of ignorance of mine, leads to greater loss of self esteem for having been so blind, for having been so impotent towards affecting a different outcome for myself in life. Indeed anyone that has ever deemed me controlling, had no idea how little control I had of anything. 
Let me take a moment and guage my gullibility.
Its like waking up from a coma, and never being able to know what happened to put you there.
I know that the only option available to me is to pull myself up by my bootstraps and move on. And I dont spend my time sitting in the closet with the lights off. But there is a bit of a slowness to my step these days, and still a bit of a weight on my shoulders that I cannot identify. How did I end up with the burden, when I was the victim? Is it a self-imposed burden, because the thought of where I am right now as a 40yr old man has me scared sh!tless? My partner in life, my team mate, my closest confidant, has thrust her sword thru my back with a smile on her face, and hurriedly walked away saying, Ive been wanting to do that for awhile...Et tu? Brute'?

I went from married "happy?" family to divorced dankness in such a swift period of time, while watching her pursue this escape with more energy than Ive ever seen her exhaust on any cause. Her having moved on, spending her evenings across the street with her new man, and not the slightest inclination of pause, or reflection, or tact, tends to wash sixteen years of involvement with her in a bath of meaninglessness. I must now subscribe to this thought process that it was never as strong as I thought, again, a reflection on my choice of wife, my choice of marriage, my gullibility. 
I admit, I am still taken aback by the complete and utter instantaneous change of who my wife was, to what she is now. Like I said, deeper consideration of that change, only reveals more wounds overlooked in the past for the sake of perserverance. 
So what am I waiting for? I have no broken bones, I have energy and drive and desire. Why do I feel frozen in time?
It feels like I just allowed a person to slap me across the face with such humiliation, and then walk away without even a whisper of challenge in return. She appears completely unaffected, completely unmoved, even happy now. Why am I not happy now? I should be, I was the "good guy"....right?


Well, its becuase I am not caught up in self-denial, self-centeredness, self-delusion. This marriage DID mean something to me, it, and the resulting family was my lifes dream, and became the most important thing to me, among all my goals and hopes. I bent my wishes and desires out of life to conform to the best benefit of the family. I sacrificed so much. I put so much on the line for this. I lived in constant worry about money, while she spent frivolously. I did without intimacy (sex) for years under the explanation that she was having issues that I needed to be patient for, lest I find myself loving only "conditionally". Oh how so many things in our life were controlled and hinged upon direct deception. This agenda, this "white picket fence dream", where it didnt matter whose name was in the blanks, as long as everything fell into place. 
I was but a paper doll, slapped upon a felt board to complete the picture, and now, its time to make another picture, and the board is cleared.
In her mind shes done nothing wrong. Absolved of all her past actions with the declaration that she hadnt loved me in a long time. How convenient a method to soften the blow of pursuit of another man. She currently appears to be unmoved by any of this. In the position even, to ridicule my inability to bounce back so fast. 
I dont wallow in self pity. I dont pity myself. When I examine our marriage there were plenty of issues that many have divorced purely in reaction to. But her and I had gotten past those, and it gave me a false sense of security in some areas.
But I remember saying before, that It was I that gave in, it was I that changed my needs to suit what she was willing to give, and it was I that ended up with nothing in the end. That dirty ***** put me thru sixteen years of emotional hell, and I like a good little puppy dog took it, for the sake of "Cohesion". Fking moron. 
Its humiliating, and embarassing to entertain the thought that perhaps, she was right. 
Not to cheat on me, but to end this. I just dont want to give her that credit. It would appear then to justify everything shes done, if I were to admit that divorce was truly inevitable.

I want to get over this now. I want to move on, and carry on with my life with as much carefree abandon as she appears to. 
So whats holding me back? Whats causing me to revisit this great painful ordeal? Its as if something inside is saying, I cant believe she got away with doing that. Now, it sounds like I am entertaining thoughts of retribution or vengeance. But I'm not. The first thing I could think of doing was to get away from her. To not see her. To not see what she's doing, or to remotely concern myself with her life. But that is kind of difficult when you find a place to move to, finally get away from them, and they start dating someone that lives across the street from your new house. EVen this is not a concern of theirs. Upon confronting her about it, and the questions it brings from my child, she tells me that what she does should be no concern to me, just as what I do is no concern of hers. 
Little did you know, that I am not doing anything. That I feel like I am caught, suspended in jell-o, as if to await for someone to knock on the door and say, you may go.
Have I been so truly immobilized by this? Must I dwell, and revisit, have a few good days where I dont think about it, and then back to the mineshaft?
I think I am having a problem admitting and accepting that this happened, and accepting where and what I am left with at this moment in life. Sometimes I feel like I am right on the cusp of breaking free of any worry or concern about it at all, and thus begins my new life of my own making. 
I want my happiness to be real, not just a smile plastered on my face for fear of exposing how weakly hobbled I feel right now. Move on! Put her out of your mind! Change your thought processes! Let her go! 
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I am trying. I dont in any way shape or form "want her back".. What the hell do I want then? I just want to wake up from a nights sleep and not start the day feeling like a loser, whose best years and best looks and best parts of me were wasted on someone else to extinction. I have no idea where to begin to rid myself of thoughts of yesterday, and focus on me. God grant me the pathological sociopathy to have nothing meaningful weigh very much in my heart, so that when its gone I can treat it like a simple rain shower to which tomorrow the sun responds..


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Shoo ~ Sometimes when I read your posts it’s like watching and emotionally connecting to a rerun of my marriage/divorce. You would have to reverse the husband and wife roles, as it was HE who cheated, got caught and declared our marriage had been heading this direction for a long time and HE didn’t feel the same towards me any longer.

So many nights I had wished I could quickly turn off the love and feelings of loss for our marriage like he apparently had. I could not wrap my mind around how easy it was for him to move on and to this day I probably will never understand.

Being single again, along with trying to be a parent, will have it’s ups and downs. However I promise you, there will come a day when you'll wake up and that door to your heart where you need to understand all those questions and emotions from your marriage/divorce will finally be shut. You will still care about what happens to your ex, as that IS the mother of your child. The care you will then feel is different. It is more out of wanting the other parent to be alright for your child’s security and sanity.

Hang in there, it is a mighty strange world. Even more so when a Gecko can tell you about all the money you can save on insurance.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Hey Shoo, when your ex wife gets tired of her current AP let me know. I will gladly introduce her to my ex husband.

Just like Toto said: when reading your posts it's like watching a rerun of my own marriage.

I still have many dark days but hoping we will be off this rollercoaster soon.


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