# No sex in marriage



## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Hi all, I have a few threads here explaining my situation, but I'm very frustrated so I figured I'd start a new one...

My H and I have been talking about Separation or Divorce. It's so hard because the reason is we don't have a physical/romantic relationship. He says he loves me, and I love him too, but I just don't feel romantic feeling towards him. We hug/cuddle, but I have no desire to have sex with him. I feel so dumb, because I'm going to lose my marriage over sex. Note: we are both frustrated and want more out of a relationship, so I understand, it's just...ugh, ya know?!

We NEVER had a very passionate relationship, and it never really bothered me all that much, until recently (getting older, want children, miss romance, etc). My H admitted that it's been bothering him our entire 2+years of marriage, but he just never said anything. REALLY??? I don't know why I'm suprised as we could never talk about anything serious (even when I told him I was falling out of love with him )...Even then, he wouldn't talk to me.

I'm frustrated because I feel like if I would just sleep with him, that he'd be happy. What about my happiness? Sure, I'd still have my home, and my best friend, but what about my feelings? I don't feel like I can just force it...

Is anyone else dealing with this?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I am unclear - you have no romantic feelings and you're the one talking about leaving and you're the one who's bothered by a lack of sex? It kind of sounds like YOU'RE done.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

You and him both are not into having sex? Or one of you wants it but the other doesn't? I'm confused, because in your post you describe it as neither of you having sex or wanting to with the other, correct? 

Is the sex issue the only real issue in your marriage? If so, have you thought about seeing a sex specialist?


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

He wants to with me, but I don't with him. It was enough for BOTH of us to not have this for the last 2+years. Now, it's not enough for either of us.

Sorry for all the confusion, I'll just close this thread. I was hoping to find someone in the same situation.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

bluebeauty said:


> He wants to with me, but I don't with him. It was enough for BOTH of us to not have this for the last 2+years. Now, it's not enough for either of us.
> 
> Sorry for all the confusion, I'll just close this thread. I was hoping to find someone in the same situation.


You don't have to close the thread. Why do you feel you do not want to with him?


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

I should have just put this on my other thread. My H and I are best friends, but we've never had a H/W relationship. When we first got together, there was passion, when we moved in together, things started taking a turn for the worst, always arguing, feeling like his mom instead of his girl. He stopped talking to me, even though I tried everything to get him to open up to me. As long as we didn't talk about "us" we were fine. We started growing apart a long time ago. I even told him it was happening, and he chose to ignore it. I emotionally detached myself...except I still consider him my best friend.

He is trying to talk to me more, but I feel like so much damage is done. I feel like i've been living in limbo for so long. Not holding on to the past, but also not moving forward.

I love him dearly, but I think it's just not the type of love a man and wife should have. Make sense? Just hoping to find someone in the same situation.

I don't want to leave because other than the physical, we have a good relationship, but I don't want to stay because he deserves more, as well as I deserve to have those feelings. I just feel like it's all on me, and it's very frustrating.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Wow you're in a tough spot for sure. Does the good out weigh the not so good, that is something you might need to ask yourself. 

If you feel you deserve more, and you feel he does to, but yet what you deserve and what he deserves isn't something you can both provide for each other, you might need to cut ties. 

I would imagine feeling more like a mom than a g/f would be enough to kill the sex drive right there. Nothing wrong with you both being each others best friend, BUT if you are wanting more from and relationship and he does too that neither of you can provide, you both might not be made for each other in the sense you are wanting/needing.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

bluebeauty,

I am in a somewhat similar situation but not exactly. Do you not want sex at all or just not with him? My wife doesn't care for sex period, not just with me (or at least that is what she tells me).


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> Wow you're in a tough spot for sure. Does the good out weigh the not so good, that is something you might need to ask yourself.
> 
> If you feel you deserve more, and you feel he does to, but yet what you deserve and what he deserves isn't something you can both provide for each other, you might need to cut ties.
> 
> I would imagine feeling more like a mom than a g/f would be enough to kill the sex drive right there. Nothing wrong with you both being each others best friend, BUT if you are wanting more from and relationship and he does too that neither of you can provide, you both might not be made for each other in the sense you are wanting/needing.


Calla - I feel like you're probably right, it just hurts so much. I would say for a long time the good out weighed the bad. I liked playing housewife, but still being the fun g/f/fiance/wife, but it seemed like he transitioned me into a nagging mom/wife by not including me, talking to me, being there for me...

It's like he's trying to change now and talk to me more, but I just feel like it's going to keep happening.....

Example - my family is going camping this weekend, he's like "you can go, I might have a party"....it's important to know, I'm 27, he's 29. I'm not sure why he thinks it's perfectly acceptable to not do stuff with my family, and then tell me he's going to throw a party (nowhere in there did he ask if I would come home for it)...


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

frustr8dhubby said:


> bluebeauty,
> 
> I am in a somewhat similar situation but not exactly. Do you not want sex at all or just not with him? My wife doesn't care for sex period, not just with me (or at least that is what she tells me).


Hi Frustr8d - I feel for you. I'm sorry your wife has put you in this situation, just as I feel for my H. 

I think I would want it with someone else who made me feel appreciated, romanced me, and treated like they were lucky to have me.

Unfortuneatly, my probs started pretty much right after we got engaged...like he just assumed he could act however he wanted and I'd always be there.  

What's going on with you and your wife...do you have a thread?


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

He needs to start acting like a man and not a boy. You need to talk about your values, and what you see a man doing when he is being a good husband and what he would like from you his wife.

I myself cannot maintain attraction for a man who is not manly, who does not have good values or doesn't stick by them. I cannot stand being in relationships with men who do no do their fair share and take care of what needs to be done, and I do not find any of that the least bit attractive. Also doormats are not attractive.

A man has to know what his values are and stick to them.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

frustr8dhubby said:


> bluebeauty,
> 
> I am in a somewhat similar situation but not exactly. Do you not want sex at all or just not with him? My wife doesn't care for sex period, not just with me (or at least that is what she tells me).


Frustr8.....

Don't kid yourself, regardless of what your wife says, it's just you.

No offense.

Now, go to marriedmansexlife.com. Read the blogs. Get his book. Maybe that will drive some passion back in your love life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

bluebeauty,

I have several.

alphaomega,

Been there, read that, done that, doesn't change shix.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Syrum said:


> He needs to start acting like a man and not a boy. You need to talk about your values, and what you see a man doing when he is being a good husband and what he would like from you his wife.
> 
> I myself cannot maintain attraction for a man who is not manly, who does not have good values or doesn't stick by them. I cannot stand being in relationships with men who do no do their fair share and take care of what needs to be done, and I do not find any of that the least bit attractive. Also doormats are not attractive.
> 
> A man has to know what his values are and stick to them.


Hi Syrum, I tried to tell myself that I just expected too much from him...we are financially stable which is great, because growing up, my family was not, but the phrase "money can't buy you happiness, but it sure helps" is so true. We've been able to do fun things and enjoy life, but I wanted a partner, someone I could talk to about anything, especially us....he checked out...I thought he would come back, but he only came back after 2+years when I was ready to leave. Now I'm second guessing myself....sighs...it goes on and on..


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

frustr8dhubby said:


> bluebeauty,
> 
> I have several.



I'll check them out, maybe I can help you.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

bluebeauty said:


> Hi Syrum, I tried to tell myself that I just expected too much from him...we are financially stable which is great, because growing up, my family was not, but the phrase "money can't buy you happiness, but it sure helps" is so true. We've been able to do fun things and enjoy life, but I wanted a partner, someone I could talk to about anything, especially us....he checked out...I thought he would come back, but he only came back after 2+years when I was ready to leave. Now I'm second guessing myself....sighs...it goes on and on..


Hi Blue, I'm going to take the opposite side of what Syrum is saying.

It sounds like he was absent for a while and you have a great deal of resentment about his absence. That's understandable of course, and if you are unable to conquer your resentment, you probably should leave.

But it sounds to me like he is somewhat manning up - he's back, he's talking more, he's asking for something deeper, and he's looking for the sex to return too. In other words, he's trying to meet your needs and be communicative about his own. That's not a bad trait in a husband.

It sounds like you are looking for him to create passion, but really, he isn't going to be able to do that if you aren't willing to open up a little for the emotional connection, sex, etc.

In other words, if you can't get over your resentment, you probably should go. If you want to blame him for the lack of passion, you probably should go. If neither are true, HE IS THERE NOW, you say he is doing now exactly what you asked for - talking, emotionally connecting, etc. - he is waiting for you as best he can.

You are holding all the cards here. He is looking to you to decide what you want. It's up to you to figure that out, he can't help with that. Just my two cents.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Hard to know which came first, the chicken or the egg. If you have been withholding sex for over 2 years, I'm not surprised that he's not anxious to spend time with you. Why would he? If you know of his needs and you refuse them, you have positioned yourself as his abuser and enemy. That's not his choice, but your's. You characterized your relationship with him as "best friends" but I can't imagine watching my best friend starve when I had an endless supply of sandwiches. Doing so wouldn't make me much of a friend. He doesn't complain? Perhaps his actions are his form of protest. I doubt he's the one odd human being on earth who loves rejection. Your question is not whether to leave the marriage or not. You made that choice over 2 years ago and you make it again every time you choose your feelings above his. Choose a side. If the goal is to remain married, be a wife and insist that he be a husband. If you wish to be a resentful single woman, free him and carry on with your plan.


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## camel74 (Aug 15, 2011)

hi there,

am in a very similar situation with my wife - we have been together for 15 years, married 12.

am considering separation at least - maybe divorce. but she 'breaks down' at the very mention of it - manking me feel guilty


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Hard to know which came first, the chicken or the egg. If you have been withholding sex for over 2 years, I'm not surprised that he's not anxious to spend time with you. Why would he? If you know of his needs and you refuse them, you have positioned yourself as his abuser and enemy. That's not his choice, but your's. You characterized your relationship with him as "best friends" but I can't imagine watching my best friend starve when I had an endless supply of sandwiches. Doing so wouldn't make me much of a friend. He doesn't complain? Perhaps his actions are his form of protest. I doubt he's the one odd human being on earth who loves rejection. Your question is not whether to leave the marriage or not. You made that choice over 2 years ago and you make it again every time you choose your feelings above his. Choose a side. If the goal is to remain married, be a wife and insist that he be a husband. If you wish to be a resentful single woman, free him and carry on with your plan.


Hi unbelieveable - just like anything there is 2 sides to every story, like I said we never had a lot of passion, but we were always very emotionally connected. I tried to repair it for a long time, to keep the emotional connection strong, so the physical could fall into place.

I will continue to post on this site, but this is a harsh reminder that you have to take the good with the bad.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

camel74 said:


> hi there,
> 
> am in a very similar situation with my wife - we have been together for 15 years, married 12.
> 
> am considering separation at least - maybe divorce. but she 'breaks down' at the very mention of it - manking me feel guilty


Hi camel - whats going on with you and your W?


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## Cradock (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi,

sounds so familiar... but also the situation me and my wife had was a little different: I was the one trying to communicate all the time, trying to make things work as best as I could (making mistakes also, I admit). And yes, sex was one big negative part of our relationship. 

I mean, when we were in high school it was great. After we moved in together (5 years ago) things got worse. Like we had some periods of even 4-5 months without making love. I was always interested, feeling attracted to her, always wanting and creating atmosphere and all that, but it just didn’t worked. She was always unsure about herself and it didn’t matter how much I tried – I mean getting naked and foreplay was ok for her – but many times going further than that was too much for her – either saying to stop and just hug her or it was hurting her and it was over quickly. And believe me I was gentle, attentive and tried it all. Was she feeling emotionally disconnected all these years and was I refusing to see that ? Maybe... In the last 5 years rarely we had sex monthly - also even fewer months when we had sex more than once. And I know she was very frustrated about this all the time – she often cried about this – I always had patience and being there for her and telling that I understand her. But this was a subject she always avoided talking about.

Didn't help. This and some other negative aspects (communication, trust, me becoming unsure and needy - things like that) and now we're living separate since June. Also the "best" part is that she cheated on me and now she's with the OM. Guess divorce will happen soon enough... and we're married only for a year. I'm still hoping for a miracle - I know, not the smartest thing to do, but hope dies last...


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Cradock said:


> Hi,
> 
> sounds so familiar... but also the situation me and my wife had was a little different: I was the one trying to communicate all the time, trying to make things work as best as I could (making mistakes also, I admit). And yes, sex was one big negative part of our relationship.
> 
> ...


I'm really sorry she cheated on you. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you.  Thats the thing I don't get about myself, it's not like I have someone else in mind and thats why I don't feel that way.

Im guessing since your wife is with the OM she doesnt want to reconcile? My H says he doesn't think seperating will help because we like spending time together, that's not the problem. I'm hoping we don't skip straight to D, but maybe it's for the best. It seems seperation often leads to D. On a side note, my sister seperated from her husband for a few years, they both dated other people, now are talking about getting back together. Marriage is the most complicated thing I have EVER done.


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## Cradock (Jun 29, 2011)

bluebeauty said:


> I'm really sorry she cheated on you. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you.  Thats the thing I don't get about myself, it's not like I have someone else in mind and thats why I don't feel that way.
> 
> Im guessing since your wife is with the OM she doesnt want to reconcile? My H says he doesn't think seperating will help because we like spending time together, that's not the problem. I'm hoping we don't skip straight to D, but maybe it's for the best. It seems seperation often leads to D. On a side note, my sister seperated from her husband for a few years, they both dated other people, now are talking about getting back together. Marriage is the most complicated thing I have EVER done.


Well, we both tried to make it work one way or another. But from one point she checked out from the relationship, I guess. Maybe she gave up fighting? Or maybe we developed in a "best buddies" relationship and nothing else (you know, the missing physical/romantic part) - from her point of view. Maybe she felt that marriage is too much for her and wants to live her life another way (she's 24)? I'm still wandering what exactly happened in her mind and heart, and got no straight answers yet.

Learned that it needs two to make things work... the hard way. I saw my mistakes, really wanted to be a better man, make her happy and fight for what I feel. But it really didn't matter for her once she made up her mind. It's been a month since I talked the last time with her. I really don't know what she wants... or what she feels.


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## sqazm (Sep 3, 2011)

bluebeauty said:


> I'm really sorry she cheated on you. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you.  Thats the thing I don't get about myself, it's not like I have someone else in mind and thats why I don't feel that way.
> 
> Im guessing since your wife is with the OM she doesnt want to reconcile? My H says he doesn't think seperating will help because we like spending time together, that's not the problem. I'm hoping we don't skip straight to D, but maybe it's for the best. It seems seperation often leads to D. On a side note, my sister seperated from her husband for a few years, they both dated other people, now are talking about getting back together. Marriage is the most complicated thing I have EVER done.


I just wanted to chime in and say I am in a very similar situation but S or D is still very far away from me as an option. 

My wife and I (me 28M, she 21F) have been together for a little over 3 years, married last December. We were that "perfect couple" that would make you throw up at how cute we were together. We moved in together about a year ago. Since then, everything seems to be on the decline. These days, sex is very infrequent - once a month at best, and when we started dating it was really only once a week even. We don't talk a whole lot, the passion has died (I understand we're out of the honeymoon phase, but damn...), we seem to be very different in a lot of ways, especially in our sex drives...But I know I will always want to be close to her, regardless of what happens. I just don't know how we can continue this way and be together till the end of our days. A relationship is not meant to be like this. 

On the upside, we have counseling scheduled for next week. So hopefully that will help. Like you, I feel like total garbage for even thinking about being without her just because of our lack of a physical relationship. But to me, this is equally as important as the emotional connection. Just saying I Love You and cuddling is not enough. 

I'm sorry I can't offer you advice, but maybe it helps to know you aren't alone in this ****ty situation. You are totally right about marriage. This is by far the most complicated and most difficult relationship I've ever had with another human.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I am in a very similar situation. We have been married just over a year and had sex 3 times. ONE of those was on our honeymoon. I do want sex....just not with him anymore. I've grown to resent him so much for shutting me out this way. He's slept on the couch since December and continues to blame me even when I beg him to come to bed. So, I've just quit begging. Now I could care less if he comes to bed in some ways. My h and i were also good friends before marriage and I do not find him attractive (physically). I thought our friendship and the love that resulted from that would be enough, but it isn't.

It sounds like you do love your h. Maybe you need to see a dr? Are you turned on sexually by other people? How about past relationships?


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## dustydusty38 (Sep 21, 2011)

bluebeauty said:


> Hi all, I have a few threads here explaining my situation, but I'm very frustrated so I figured I'd start a new one...
> 
> My H and I have been talking about Separation or Divorce. It's so hard because the reason is we don't have a physical/romantic relationship. He says he loves me, and I love him too, but I just don't feel romantic feeling towards him. We hug/cuddle, but I have no desire to have sex with him. I feel so dumb, because I'm going to lose my marriage over sex. Note: we are both frustrated and want more out of a relationship, so I understand, it's just...ugh, ya know?!
> 
> ...


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