# Desperate to fix this...



## NavyWife1031 (Jul 25, 2011)

Hello, my name is Kris (former navy myself) and I'm new here. Newly married to a wonderful sailor, just this past May. We've been together 2 years and I love him dearly. We have hit something very challenging in our relationship, first time we hit anything emotionally traumatizing in our time together.
I found some text messages between him and a co-worker of his that were very inappropriate to say the least. Nothing beyond this talk ever happened, but they are still working together which is something no one can change. 
This event surprised us both, because neither of us thought he was capable of ever being the betraying type. 
I have since forgiven him, because I have realized despite this mistake I still love him just the same and is human, but maybe our oh-so-easy relationship needs to learn how to deal with the bad things in life.
Unfortunately he hasn't forgiven himself, and has completely torn himself up over this. To the point where he can't even see that I love and forgive him anymore, because he doesn't feel like he deserves it. I think its a means of punishing himself.

And now he is toying with the idea of separation, regardless of the fact that we love each other. That maybe we aren't meant together, that I would be happier with someone who wouldn't betray me the way he has. 
And I know he is wrong but he is in the Navy on deployment and I can only try to email my feelings which doesn't work that well as anyone can imagine. 
I know that if we give up, even temporarily, we will both regret this and be too hurt to go back afterwards. 

Sorry this is long, but he means the world to me and I will do anything in the world to be able to get him to understand that we are not a lost cause and we can work through this. If anyone has any good advice I would really appreciate it.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

*DO NOT SEPARATE*.

Separation does nothing to heal a marriage. What it does is give the opportunity to the cheating spouse to engage in an affair out in the open because in his mind "separated=single". He has all the benefits of being single and being married at the same time. If things don't work out with his lover, he has good old wifey that he can come back to. We call this kind of spouse a 'cake eater'.

You should not allow him to treat you like his back up option, his second choice or to put your life on hold for months or years for a dubious return.

You have to be tough and tell him that if he leaves you will file for divorce and mean it. Don't be surprised that he changes his tune about separation.

Respect yourself and he will respect you.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

morituri said:


> *DO NOT SEPARATE*.
> 
> Separation does nothing to heal a marriage. What it does is give the opportunity to the cheating spouse to engage in an affair out in the open because in his mind "separated=single". He has all the benefits of being single and being married at the same time. If things don't work out with his lover, he has good old wifey that he can come back to. We call this kind of spouse a 'cake eater'.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Separation is the worst thing either of you could do if you want to repair the marriage. I would ask you to analyze his "self loathing", and to see if there is something more there. I've ready many times on these forums where WS have been unable to forgive their self and it turned out it was a bunch of BS and they were still very much involved in an affair still. I'm not saying this to try and worry you. I'm telling you this so that you are able to consider all things and are not blindsided if this turns out to be the case. If your husband is truly distraught over this and really can't forgive himself, then I would recommend individual counseling for him. I wish you the best of luck.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

My immediate thought was the same as Restless - It sounds like it could be a plan b to continue the affair. I flirted with this just a little post D Day of my affair before I completely removed my head from my a**, and realized what I was doing.


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## NavyWife1031 (Jul 25, 2011)

I don't think he ever went that far into a relationship with her. I think what scares him the most is that he went that far at all and because of the possibility he thinks maybe we weren't right for each other after all. It's hard on him I think because when he was young his father left him and his mother and sister to go start a new family in another state and barely kept any contact until he left that family too and returned to marry another woman and start a business. He hates his father for that, and now he hates himself for getting so close to being a cheating husband himself.
I'm pretty confident that I have a decent head on my shoulders, and I know how strongly I feel that this incident should not ruin us and what we have. He thinks he is defined by this one mistake now, but the man I see everyday is a good man. He has it in his head that he's no good anymore, and basically it's a giant guilt party. But I love him and I'm not giving up, I just don't want him to either....


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Yeah. He is cheating. The let's separate business... so he can be with ow and you won't know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

NavyWife1031 said:


> I don't think he ever went that far into a relationship with her. I think what scares him the most is that he went that far at all and because of the possibility he thinks maybe we weren't right for each other after all. It's hard on him I think because when he was young his father left him and his mother and sister to go start a new family in another state and barely kept any contact until he left that family too and returned to marry another woman and start a business. He hates his father for that, and now he hates himself for getting so close to being a cheating husband himself.
> I'm pretty confident that I have a decent head on my shoulders, and I know how strongly I feel that this incident should not ruin us and what we have. He thinks he is defined by this one mistake now, but the man I see everyday is a good man. He has it in his head that he's no good anymore, and basically it's a giant guilt party. But I love him and I'm not giving up, I just don't want him to either....



The only advice I can give you, is that you need to be very cautious going forward. He may not have gotten very deep into a relationship with the OW, but that doesn't mean he's not a little interested to see if it could be something more. Besides, a lot of us were surprised to see how far our spouses affairs had gone. Here's an example that pertains to you. My wife's mother has cheated on every husband she has ever been married to and that's 9 marriages. My wife has always said that she didn't want to be like her mother, but she cheated on me almost 6 years ago. 

There is a lot of sage advice on these forums. It's not meant to upset you, but merely to help you during this and hopefully show you all the signs that a spouse is still involved in an affair, which yours may or may not be. None of us can know that for certain. Only you can find that information out by digging. I still hold to my original reply. If he is truly eaten up with guilt and remorseful, then he needs to seek an individual counselor to help him with his grief.


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## NavyWife1031 (Jul 25, 2011)

RestlessInGeorgia said:


> The only advice I can give you, is that you need to be very cautious going forward. He may not have gotten very deep into a relationship with the OW, but that doesn't mean he's not a little interested to see if it could be something more. Besides, a lot of us were surprised to see how far our spouses affairs had gone. Here's an example that pertains to you. My wife's mother has cheated on every husband she has ever been married to and that's 9 marriages. My wife has always said that she didn't want to be like her mother, but she cheated on me almost 6 years ago.
> 
> There is a lot of sage advice on these forums. It's not meant to upset you, but merely to help you during this and hopefully show you all the signs that a spouse is still involved in an affair, which yours may or may not be. None of us can know that for certain. Only you can find that information out by digging. I still hold to my original reply. If he is truly eaten up with guilt and remorseful, then he needs to seek an individual counselor to help him with his grief.


Thanks for this. I have been digging, I can even check his txt messages and phone logs from my computer now and I have his password to everything and I haven't seen any indication that he has continued it. I do know he thinks that maybe because he was able to ever begin developing feelings for someone else scares him into thinking we might have made a mistake getting married, and he doubts his feelings about our future. But we both love each other, and I know that if we do separate it will only destroy us. I don't want this to happen, and I don't know if he will do the counseling thing. He is gone until the middle of next month and I know there is no one he can talk to on the boat. I just want him to see what I see, that we aren't lost yet...


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

NavyWife1031 said:


> Thanks for this. I have been digging, I can even check his txt messages and phone logs from my computer now and I have his password to everything and I haven't seen any indication that he has continued it. I do know he thinks that maybe because he was able to ever begin developing feelings for someone else scares him into thinking we might have made a mistake getting married, and he doubts his feelings about our future. But we both love each other, and I know that if we do separate it will only destroy us. I don't want this to happen, and I don't know if he will do the counseling thing. He is gone until the middle of next month and I know there is no one he can talk to on the boat. I just want him to see what I see, that we aren't lost yet...


It's good to hear that you haven't found anything. That's always a good sign. You mention he's on the ship right now. Do they have a chaplain or counselor on the ship that he may be able to speak with? I thought the Navy required at least a ships counselor for sailors that may have emotional issues, while out to sea.


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## NavyWife1031 (Jul 25, 2011)

They are on a DDG so no, they share a chaplain who will SOMETIMES come on board for a short period of time but only on longer deployments and they are only out for a month doing all that fleet week junk on the coast and coming back. I wish there was one though, but I've already looked up all the numbers at the Fleet and Family Center so maybe when he gets back we can see someone together. I just hope they are open on weekends, the ship would never let him off during working hours for any kind of appointment (even if it was life or death lol)


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