# Agreed to in house separation, advice needed



## jandres6 (May 24, 2013)

I came to the conclusion recently that reconciliation was not going to happen. I delivered this to her at a joint counseling session we attended after I spent 2 weeks vacation alone with the kids. We agreed to an in house separation until I graduate Nursing school in April. This is to keep the kids in a "stable" household. 

Even though its over she continues to lie to me about what she is doing. We have three kids (15, 14 and 9). She also continues to neglect the kids when I am at work ... out with the OM.

I don't care about her being with him (much), what angers me is the lying and child neglect. She wont even make the time to tell the kids we are giving each other space, I think still not living in reality. 

I guess I am looking for advice on how to make her own it and not neglect the kids when I am not able to be there with them. I am happy to fill in any gaps in my story as warranted. Not sure if I can make to graduation this way.


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

The household isn't very stable if she isn't holding up her end of the bargain! Is there a way to have her leave? Cause that's the first thing I would have done. If she refuses to stop seeing the OM she needs to at least respect you enough to leave the house. I think you are beyond giving each other space. She is disrespecting your marriage, marriage in general, by behaving that way!

You can't force her to do anything, especially if she hasn't already. A separation should mean real separation, and just you knowing about her being with the OM and allowing that to happen is just not right!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jandres6 (May 24, 2013)

I dont care if she is with him. Divorce is imminent. If I could do it now I would but there are financial constraints. However, you are right. There is only so much I can stand and I knew this going in. The only ground rules were treat each other with respect and kindness. We both struggle with kindness but I was close. The respect aspect she doesn't understand. I am ready to blow it all to hell.


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

Well now, y'all chose this lifestyle, blowing it all to hell would be detreimental. I would just talk to your kids, tell them what is going on, ask them to take care of each other while you are not at home. Don't let your wife see that you are bothered by her a**hole behavior. Just power through this as a family, excluding her! If she wants to act a fool, let her. But don't let her see your feathers ruffled. I am the oldest of 5 kids. When my parents started really going through hell, I was taking care of my siblings when my dad was at work because my mom was court-ordered to be there when my dad was at work, but she never came over. There was a real sense of family unity once we were all informed, and we stuck together to help each other out. So while your wife may not want to participate, there are still 4 of you. If you have to, cook some meals on a day of the weekend when you are off, and freeze or put in the fridge and teach them how to make it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You can't. She'll do whatever she wants to do, and you no longer have influence on her, unless you're willing to split everything up now. And even then to be honest, you're probably talking about months of processes anyway. 

Seems your best bet is to document her neglect, especially if you're going for custody, and making sure the children are taken care of as much as they need.

C


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## Corso (Jul 16, 2013)

Be careful is all I can say, you may think you know someone but that can change quick.

My wife and I agreed it wasn't working and we would be civil and live in the same house until we figured out what steps we need to take going forward.

First few days were fine although uncomfortable, I slept on couch she slept in bedroom, I went t go out to a church meeting one night, and I guess she thought I may have been going to see someone else.
I was outside the church when she came driving by. I got home and there was all kinds of wedding stuff laid out trying to make me feel guilty.
I didn't react and she just lost it. I took the verbal abuse for that night. Next day I got an apology followed by a conversation that she thinks the marriage is salvageable, I disagreed, she went off again.

From that point it was just all uncomfortable, one day she is yelling at me and another day wants a hug. Crazy stuff.

Then one day I was just being scolded and called all kinds of things right in my face when we were discussing finances and I broke my calmness for the first time in 2 weeks and let her verbally have it.
I went to leave and she broke something of mine and went for something else that wasn't mine to break and I grabbed her hand and told her to let it go, well she had a scratch and now I'm going to court for a filed Protection from abuse claim.
Which is full of lies, so just when you think you really now someone, things can get ugly quick

Moral of story, be very careful even though things may be going some what smooth, it only takes one thing to make things extremely difficult.
I thought I could just take the lashing out at times and kind of shrug it off and I did for a while, I did lose my temper finally and yelled back and was upset about that and wanted to leave, and then that happened.

so now I have a mess.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Could you be more specific about how she neglects the kids? Is she actually neglecting their needs or just not doing things you feel she should? It might help to separate this; if you feel they are in danger then don't leave them with her. Otherwise, her parenting is not really your business. I don't think my ex really does anything with our kids when he has them but they are safe and fed so it's not my business.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Could you be more specific about how she neglects the kids? Is she actually neglecting their needs or just not doing things you feel she should? It might help to separate this; if you feel they are in danger then don't leave them with her. Otherwise, her parenting is not really your business. I don't think my ex really does anything with our kids when he has them but they are safe and fed so it's not my business.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

This is a hard one to accept but is true. I don't trust my H to keep our kids out of danger, so he doesn't have them alone. I made a rule on that one. I also don't like the way he manages day-to-day conflict with them, but that's NOT something I feel like I can control, so I just have to let it go. It's really, really hard to see a spouse (or Xspouse I'm sure, though I'm still married) model behavior that you think is detrimental to a child, but unfortunately, it's out of your control. 

You're kids aren't too small though, and there's a lot you can do to empower them to take care of themselves. My mom worked nights 3 days a week starting when I was 15, and I started cooking dinner for our family those nights (even though they were school nights). She'd leave me a recipe and the ingredients I needed, and the rest was up to me. It was GREAT for me--by the time I got to college I could cook pretty much anything. And clean up properly.


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