# 6 years and I got booted



## andy53 (Aug 27, 2012)

Hi guys and gals
I need advice, I was in a relationship for 6 years and 2 of those was bad, the rest was awesome. We own a house together and about 2 years ago I started a hobby that became such an obsession I put it before everything. Really I don't know where my head was going. she tried to tell me things were not good for a whole 2 years. She shut down and refused to talk to me about it. I guess she used to say I don't listen so whats the point. Anyway I met someone through this hobby and she gave me all the things that boost ones ego, I used to talk to her about my problems and she offered advice, as time went on she said that my partner would never be any different and it was hopeless, then she came onto me and at my weekest point I fell into this relationship. I didnt love her but she made me feel better than at home. Unfortunately she did fall for me and became very obsessive. I tried many times to let her down gently but in the end I decided I needed to work things out at home. Me and my beautiful lady worked out some issues we were having and I returned home to build back what was missing in our relationship. Unfortunately the the lady I was having an affair with went around and saw my partner, telling her god knows what. I came home from work and was confronted, she then booted me out. since then I have foud a rental and started coucelling for what was determined my controlling nature. I have done everything my partner has asked, it is now 3 months in and she will not tell me if we have any chance of reconciliation. Its driving me crazy not knowing. So thats what brought me here. Does anyone have ny suggestions because I don't know what to do.
Thanks Andy


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## chiben (Jun 26, 2012)

You already know that you failed. I dont know what to tell you other then just waiting it out. You might not have another chance though. Even if you though, this might constantly come up in your future relationship with your wife. It might be best to talk to her to see if there is a real chance and if not, move on with your life and let her be herself as well.


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## andy53 (Aug 27, 2012)

Am I asking too soon though as it only been 3 months and this will take a long time for her to heal from the pain, she says its the trust. I have tried leaving her alone lately, I have decided to keep contact at a minimum because I think she needs it?


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## chiben (Jun 26, 2012)

andy53 said:


> Am I asking too soon though as it only been 3 months and this will take a long time for her to heal from the pain, she says its the trust.


I dont think there is a norm for this. Everyone is different. For her it might be too soon. She might never trust you again. Thats a risk you are taking.
Trust is easy to break but hard to fix.


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## andy53 (Aug 27, 2012)

yes I know trust is everything. I love her more than anything and im so remorsful for what I have done to her. I am so confused about what to do if anything at all. I have told her how I am sorry and how I now blame myself entirely for this mess but I know nothing I say matters.


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## chiben (Jun 26, 2012)

andy53 said:


> yes I know trust is everything. I love her more than anything and im so remorsful for what I have done to her. I am so confused about what to do if anything at all. I have told her how I am sorry and how I now blame myself entirely for this mess but I know nothing I say matters.


Just be there for her. Dont push it too much and dont expect anything too soon. If anything is fixed, it will be at her pace. Be also ready for any kind of outcome.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Your right nothing you SAY matters at all. Your words to her are meaningless. Only your actions speak. Your smallest consistent action will be noticed. Get "After the Affair" and have a read. You really have no idea the depth of pain she is in.
Book a counselor for yourself.
Ask her if she would like to do Marriage Counseling. 
Be accountable voluntarily.


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## andy53 (Aug 27, 2012)

Yes everyone tells me to give her time but that is so hard to do. It isnt easy, I try to keep busy but she is in my head 24/7


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## andy53 (Aug 27, 2012)

Ing
I have done all you have suggested, she isnt interested in marriage guidance counselling.


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## andy53 (Aug 27, 2012)

There are other things I did not mention. The minute I moved out she changed the locks, she even put a lock on the letter box. She tells me its because the lady I was seeing knows where she lives and thought I gave her a key, as if I would do that....
Anyway does this mean something else?

Also lately I have been going over in my head things as they were when I lived there. She would come home late from work say an hour late and she said she stopped for a break on the way home because it was a stressful day. She would also get text messages and was careful about me seeing her on the mobile phone. So now I have suspicions on that too....


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## here2learn (Aug 23, 2012)

The ball is in her court. If you want to salvage the relationship, let her know that you will abide by whatever rules/boundaries she sets forth, and be 100 percent honest about the affair. 

But, are you sure you want to salvage the relationship? It sounds like you two have had your share of issues. Six years (only four of which were good) is not that long of an investment in time. Perhaps you can learn from the many lessons here and look to start a fresh relationship?


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

here2learn said:


> The ball is in her court. If you want to salvage the relationship, let her know that you will abide by whatever rules/boundaries she sets forth, and be 100 percent honest about the affair.
> 
> But, are you sure you want to salvage the relationship? It sounds like you two have had your share of issues. Six years (only four of which were good) is not that long of an investment in time. Perhaps you can learn from the many lessons here and look to start a fresh relationship?


 As here2 says, it is not that great an investment in time. 
If she changed the locks right down to the post box, she may be done. She may have had an affair too. You may never know and as harsh as this sounds, it is a consequence of an affair. You lost her


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Well since you are the one that betrayed your spouse I can't tell you I am sorry you are here. You are here because you screwed up. Now, it is time to pay the piper. At this point you have to
A. ACT You spouted I love you, told her you are the only one for me, I'd never cheat on you. Then you cheated on her and had what appears to be a PA. So words me ziltch. Show her you love her. Write a love letter, buy her flowers, take her out to her favorite restaurant, Figure out something she wanted to do but you would never do. You need to show her through actions that you mean everything you say. 
Give her access to every single communications device and computer you use or have ever used. Get rid of this hobby, sell everything and buy her something with it.

Show her that she is one top and that you will never screw up again. 

b) IF she decides to take her back you need to come clean. What you have told us puts the blame on the other woman. That's not what happened. You should never have had a moment of weakness. You're married and trust me if you told us the whole story I guarantee we'd pick it apart like piranha. The reason is there is never a reason to cheat. After all you could have separated or divorced your wife. However no you cheated which means you get no amnesty. You get no reprieve. You cheated on your wife because YOU had an inappropriate long term relationship with someone other than your wife. I am pretty sure you slept with the OW as well. Stop trickle truthing (deliberatively holding information back to prevent or protect whatever dignity you think you have left) and come clean. It is the only way you are going to have a chance. 

Cut all ties with the Other Woman write a no contact letter which spells out the situation. Here are the high points. Tell the OW you relationship was a mistake. Apologize to her for leading her on. Tell her that, after this letter, there will be not more communication from you (stick to this she will come fishing at some point). Tell her that you want to work on your marriage and you are a terrible person.

I would make sure your wife read or knew about the NC letter. 
Good luck but remember when she get mad for no reason. IT IS YOUR FAULT. This is going to take years to get over. IF you have any thoughts that you may not be prepared to deal with the fall out. You better divorce your wife and let her find someone that will treat her like she deserves to be treated.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

andy53 said:


> There are other things I did not mention. The minute I moved out she changed the locks, she even put a lock on the letter box. She tells me its because the lady I was seeing knows where she lives and thought I gave her a key, *as if I would do that....*
> Anyway does this mean something else?
> 
> Also lately I have been going over in my head things as they were when I lived there. She would come home late from work say an hour late and she said she stopped for a break on the way home because it was a stressful day. She would also get text messages and was careful about me seeing her on the mobile phone. So now I have suspicions on that too....


That part I highlighted in bold. That right there is a huge glaring red flag.

As if you would do that? Seriously?!?! *You had an affair*. Of course your wife thinks you would do that. You've already done the absolute worst, most hurtful, deeply painful thing you could do to her. Why wouldn't she think you might have given your affair partner a key to your house?

The problem with being a liar is that people who know you are a liar tend to think you are a liar. 

Your wife thinks you are a liar and that you've betrayed her. Because you have. That you seem surprised and even a little dismissive of her feelings of mistrust for you means you don't really "get" what you've done to her. Maybe she thinks you're as unrepentant and foggy as you sound to me.....


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Andy, your wife is doing exactly what we here at TAM tell people in her position to do.

She is shutting you out and working on detaching from you emotionally. It's for her own mental health. The fact you haven't heard from her or gotten a yes or no response means she is still working through all of this in her head while she works on herself. 

You have no choice but to wait.


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## andy53 (Aug 27, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Andy, your wife is doing exactly what we here at TAM tell people in her position to do.
> 
> She is shutting you out and working on detaching from you emotionally. It's for her own mental health. The fact you haven't heard from her or gotten a yes or no response means she is still working through all of this in her head while she works on herself.
> 
> You have no choice but to wait.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## andy53 (Aug 27, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Andy, your wife is doing exactly what we here at TAM tell people in her position to do.
> 
> She is shutting you out and working on detaching from you emotionally. It's for her own mental health. The fact you haven't heard from her or gotten a yes or no response means she is still working through all of this in her head while she works on herself.
> 
> ...


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## andy53 (Aug 27, 2012)

She wants to talk to me but now time has been specified. So now I wait again to see what she wants to say. It is stressfully
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Ok, everyone seem to avoiding the other post you wrote. Late coming in, secretive with phone and txting. 
Tell her you want to either move back or she sell the house so you can get your money out of it. 
Two yrs and she was ok ?? Or she started somthing. 
Do some snooping dude.

YEAH you screwed up badly, but my money is still my money.
How is the title worded on the docs ??


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## andy53 (Aug 27, 2012)

Yeah I have to stay hopeful until we talk then I will decide what to do. I liove her so much I just need to be sure there is no chance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
Joint owners of house man


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

andy53 said:


> There are other things I did not mention. The minute I moved out she changed the locks, she even put a lock on the letter box. She tells me its because *the lady I was seeing* knows where she lives and *thought I gave her a key, as if I would do that....*Anyway does this mean something else?
> 
> Also lately I have been going over in my head things as they were when I lived there. She would come home late from work say an hour late and she said she stopped for a break on the way home because it was a stressful day. She would also get text messages and was careful about me seeing her on the mobile phone. So now I have suspicions on that too....


I have a feeling that the things you say are rubbing her the wrong way. She knows you were "*seeing*" this lady, yet you are surprised she thinks you might have given her a key?

Don't minimize what you've done. It's a big deal to her even if it's not to you. Also, you know all of the facts, she does not.

It also is not going to help that you were/are so sympathetic to the lady you were "seeing," so worried about letting her down easy, but you failed to show much concern about what it would do to your significant other.

Like Rowan said, you don't seem like you get it.


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## andy53 (Aug 27, 2012)

I am committed to do whatever she asks of me. This isn't about me it's about healing her pain because without fixing that then we have no chance to move on. I know what I did and nothing I say will make anything difference nor should it. Only my actions and her wanting to do anything for the future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

Stop playing world of warcraft, just kidding. Whatever your hobby was, you need to quit it. Show her that you have taking steps to reform your neglectful behavior. 

Have you met with this OW? Have you had sex with her? Try everything you can do win your girl back, but it looks like she is the type that has no tolerance for cheaters. You might be SOL on this one, but keep trying if you want 

My recommendation, bounce. Take a break from relationships and go to the gym, and get your mind off it. Then get back into dating and don't go for a relationship right away and just enjoy life a little. How old are you?


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## andy53 (Aug 27, 2012)

Well its been a while since I was here.She tells me she just can't believe me when I say I am sorry and I can be committed to her again any time time soon. We have nearly no contact, she is really suffuring with what I did. I want to help her learn everything about what happened but she isnt asking so I guess she isnt ready. One thing I know I will do anything she wants me to do. I want her to trust but I don't know if or when that may happen. The very person I wanted to love and protect was destroyed by me and my stupidity. I try to leave her be as much as I can because she needs lots of time to heal and reflect on what has happened and what she wants to do in the future. I am really scared to lose her but I know I must wait to see. She is a beautiful kind women and I hate myself for what I have done.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

andy53 said:


> Well its been a while since I was here.She tells me she just can't believe me when I say I am sorry and I can be committed to her again any time time soon. We have nearly no contact, she is really suffuring with what I did. I want to help her learn everything about what happened but she isnt asking so I guess she isnt ready. One thing I know I will do anything she wants me to do. I want her to trust but I don't know if or when that may happen. The very person I wanted to love and protect was destroyed by me and my stupidity. I try to leave her be as much as I can because she needs lots of time to heal and reflect on what has happened and what she wants to do in the future. I am really scared to lose her but I know I must wait to see. She is a beautiful kind women and I hate myself for what I have done.


Andy - Might be harsh, but read this:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/40052-understanding-pain.html


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

have you checked to see if she is in IC ?? Will she go to MC with you.

I still say check to see if she is crying on some dude shoulder.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Ok, I reread your stuff again. Everyone is saying she needs time. 
NOT I, she is playing you as the backup. Coming home late, txt msg, careful with the phone, all cheaters behaviours. Everyone is concentrating on just you, but I see it as she stopped talking during your obsession as finding someone to listen and be with.
Thats why she changed the locks. She didn't want you coming in unannounced and catching her in the act.

What you need to do is start investigating. You are doing all she asked, so she knows you're not going anywhere if this dude don't work out.
I can see your guilt is keeping you from seeing her as that type, but you was suspicious yourself. 
I bet her friends know, thats why they telling you to give her time.

If you like being played, then just keep on doing what you are doing.

Since you have no access to her stuff, you may have to rent a car an follow her or sit and watch a few nights.

Dude, its time to grow up and smell the coffee. Your whole post sond needy, so I know she knows it to, and is using it.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Andy,

If you truly are suspicious that she may have been having contact with another man or is now do yourself the favor and get her tailed. End the questioning once and for all if you can afford it.

As far as winning her back goes, you have no choice but to wait. I appreciate you are trying to give her space but I would be careful with that as well. You don't want her to feel as though you are over it because you clearly are not.

I will never understand how a person can love someone so much and betray them so badly. I don't get it and I never will. Good luck to you Andy. You are going to need it.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Andy, tell her she is going to have to start paying your rent since you have a house and can't live there.


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## andy53 (Aug 27, 2012)

I want to have faith and trust in her, I can't follow her around. That feels wrong I will wait a little longer before I make any more contact. I know it's huge for her and it takes time to heal. It's only been 3 months. When I am ready I will ask her if there is anyone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

We tell them to detach, not separate. This woman see you are serious, otherwise, why would you spend good money on IC.

But its your dime dude.
If you are so guilt ridden that you don't want to see how shady she was acting before you moved, it on you.

Do you really expect her to admit she sleeping with someone ??
Are you REALLY that that, oh never mind. 

Ok do this at least, tell her you would like to have your equity out of the house since it looks like she is moving on.
I bet she turn THAT around on you and make you feel guilty for asking.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Are you and she on the same cell phone plan ??
If so check what #'s she calling and txting the most. Then you call an se if a dude answers.

If she is screwing around will you take her back ??


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