# I'm losing my mind



## beggars_banquet (Aug 15, 2016)

I have been married for 17 years and with my wife for 22. We have both over the years helped each other reach our goals of going to school, house purchases and vacations. Getting pregnant was easy once we decided to conceive. 3 beautiful kids later and all intimacy has vanished. I still desire my wife and even tell her I do. I try subtle hints and even try outright how much I want her, bad...but yet she has absolutely no interest in me anymore. This year we had intercourse 1 time and only a few shower hand jobs. I seriously cannot take it anymore. I obviously have to resort to porn and my hands but I want HER. I've asked her to tell me what she wants, anything works for me if she enjoys it. Then I have resulted in accusing her of cheating, mainly because I cannot comprehend how an attractive woman such as her can live life without orgasm. She doesn't masturbate, look at porn, read sexy message boards or anything. While me on the other hand just bought a new fleshlight. Divorce seems imminent at this point but I'd rather die then leave her and my kids.


----------



## beggars_banquet (Aug 15, 2016)

I just started reading the book "Love Busters" and oh boy am I a fool. I need to get on the ball and straighten out how I not only present myself to my wife but also make every effort to be there for her.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

beggars_banquet said:


> I just started reading the book "Love Busters" and oh boy am I a fool. I need to get on the ball and straighten out how I not only present myself to my wife but also make every effort to be there for her.


LOL! ...and the companion book His Needs, Her Needs Here is a quick summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

Begging for sex makes you look pitiful and will get you none. Having a wife who is attracted to you will be more successful. That doesn't mean if you'll just be nice to her she'll have sex with you. If you do that she'll see right through you. It means you have to become that man she fell for again. Here's more on that, Hold on to Your NUTs 

There's more material in the first thread in this part of the forum http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-better-man-better-partner.html 

If things haven't gone too far adrift sometimes it only takes a bit of knowledge and application. Consider it a starting point. She's not happy the way things are either, or she'd be intimate with you. If you take the lead she just might follow if it means a better marriage for her too. 

Best


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Good, I'm glad you are reading Love Busters. After that read "His Needs, Her Needs".

It's all there.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is sex the only problem in your marriage? 

I rather doubt it. What are the other problems.


----------



## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

Neediness is an anti-aphrodisiac. So is responsibility. If she works all day and/or has reaponsibilty for 3 kids, she may not feel sexy anymore. Happened to me! I felt pressure to be a good mom, a good employee, to keep a clean home, to arrange play dates, to do and do... That I stopped being me. I lost touch with me and barely knew who I was when I looked in the mirror.

Some of that pressure was from my husband, but a lot of it came from inside me. My own beliefs and expectations. I felt I was treading water much of the time.

Not sure if any of the above rings true, but if it does, it may help you begin a conversation with her. Is she constantly trying to be super mom to 3 kids? Run a business? Be PTA president? Even if she just has too many hats, too many balls in the air. You get the idea...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Are you sure she has orgasms with you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## beggars_banquet (Aug 15, 2016)

Sex does seem to be the only issue we have. We both work hard at our careers but rarely need to work past 5pm. Our bills are paid, we have savings, 401ks and aren't big spenders (except for me I suppose, I like hobby stuff). The lack of affection, fondness, interest, friendship, sex has spurred resentment. She tells me to just go watch porn. In fact she told one of our marriage counselors that she thought that's what porn was for. ummmm, yeah, OK. I do a ton of chores as does she. After the birth of our 3rd child I got snipped and she actually has an anti-contraceptive ring so there's very little chance of having anymore children. What sucks most is that I feel totally worthless and sometimes ashamed of having sexual desires. I've prayed to rid me of wanting sex but that didn't work. lol ....and yes, she has orgasm with me. I make (made) sure she came before me and if I beat her to it I make sure to finish her off.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

beggars_banquet said:


> I just started reading the book "Love Busters" and oh boy am I a fool. I need to get on the ball and straighten out how I not only present myself to my wife but also make every effort to be there for her.


Before embarking on your quest, figure out why she's doing it. Or not doing it.

The DIY books are generalizing way too much, and mostly focus on the low hanging fruit - the easy cases...

Now, if you're poster boy for what not to do as per book, yea, it may help, but generally speaking you may find that you're Mr. Perfect and still nothing. 

If you need "fixing" do it for you, not because the book thinks she'll fall for it.


----------



## beggars_banquet (Aug 15, 2016)

john117 said:


> The DIY books are generalizing way too much, and mostly focus on the low hanging fruit - the easy cases...
> 
> Now, if you're poster boy for what not to do as per book, yea, it may help, but generally speaking you may find that you're Mr. Perfect and still nothing.
> 
> If you need "fixing" do it for you, not because the book thinks she'll fall for it.


Good point. I honestly think I'm a pretty good guy and would like some love from my partner. Really, if I wanted a roommate I would have stayed single.


----------

