# Just can't get off the fence.



## Gonna (Jul 22, 2019)

Hello to all. Long time listener first time caller. 

Married 22 years. DS20 DD19 DD17 DD13. 

Not perfect, both of us flawed, but still together. I wouldnt call it a happy marriage for me, but I cant seem to break away either. Even after her having multiple emotional affairs, no respect for relationship boundries that she imposed, a long affair with painkillers and an ongoing affair with kratom, a complete lack of interest in or enthusiasm for sex,(though I do get plenty of chore sex, as she feels guilty for using sex as a means to control the relationship in the past, in her defence) and no ability to comunicate without a fight we are still married. My tendency to drink, coupled with my impulsive personality, and my higher than average sex drive isnt helping

Its the perfect picture of toxic codepentancy, two people, at least one miserable, slowly poisoning each other in some kind of horrible war of attrition damned to end in a cataclysm that leaves all in its wake hollow, bitter, and cynical. I am stunned as the next guy we got this far. 

It's to the point that I wish she would have had a pa, it would make it an easy decision. Or if I have an affair and get caught she can leave me. Or if we were both better people. If i was a better person. The gray area is what hangs me up. What does it take to push someone too far or pull them back into your heart. Its like she has found that line of what I will suffer and gives just enough to check the boxes and make it look good on paper, but no more. 

Or perhaps the kids are why I suffer it, but I've only got a bit over four years left of that as a glue. What then? 

Wow! I'm fun! After reading back through all that, it sounds like I may be in more trouble than an internet forum is rated for. Oh well. 

Please forgive me being so vague, my wife absolutely hates when I look at internet forums, and she knows I have read here before. Dont want to stir the pot, so to say. 


Gonna.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Gonna said:


> Its the perfect picture of toxic codepentancy, two people, at least one miserable, slowly poisoning each other in some kind of horrible war of attrition damned to end in a cataclysm that leaves all in its wake hollow, bitter, and cynical. I am stunned as the next guy we got this far.


Sounds like my marriage... :laugh: Another 5 years and you will be free to go? Or are you planning to try and fix it? Seems a bit desperate to me...


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

I'm not inside your marriage, but looking from the outside I see a lot of pain and distance. From here it looks like your wife has issues with addiction or lack of ability to self control. ADHD? You may be the same. Whatever the cause, you are both using substances to cope and numb the pain. 
Not to sound like its ok, but I know many people who stay because of the kids. Doesn't make it right but they stay. When kids reach 18 that's when most folks make their move. But I have to wonder, what example is being set for the kids going forward? How much of a favour are you really doing them in this situation? Addicted mom, co-dependent dad.
You are both in a lot of pain. I can't speak for your partner, but you are looking for answers. Have you thought about counselling for yourself? Addiction counseliing for co-dependent partners? Your eyes may be opened and you will gain some personal insight and strength to move forward
One step at a time. One moment at a time. Just to feel that you are moving in a right direction is sometimes enough.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

I notice you didn't actually ask a question. Maybe step 1 is to figure out what your question really is. All you did was dump all your stuff on our lawn and then step back. 



Gonna said:


> If i was a better person.


Well, that's something you can work on, without needing her cooperation. Stop with the drinking and the impulsivity. Take a look at your childhood, if you haven't already, and figure out where you learned to be codependent.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It may be you still want it to work.
Or, only you know.

Do the what if thing, imagine your life without her, what would it look like?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

you should not be surprised or feel bad that you are agonizing and undecided about this. marriage is no small thing.
we are engrained to believe and think (rightly so) to fight for marriage to the last ounce of strength we have (till death do us part).

only you and your wife can decide when that marital bridge is forever broken. continue your journey with strength, resolve and discipline.
get your personal act together in order to see and think clearly. if not for your marriage, for your kids, yourself and for your future.

peace and happiness to you.


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

You sound certain that your wife has only had emotional affairs. 

Multiple emotional affairs. 

How do you know they have not progressed to physical affairs?

- How did you learn of them?
- What information have you gathered about them and how did you gather it? 
- Does your wife know that you know of them?
- what has she done to make amends for cheating? 
- Have you strayed outside of your marriage?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your wife having multiple emotional affairs is more than enough grounds to end this, you dont need to wait for her to have a physical affair. EA's are every bit as damaging to a marriage, it shows your partner's utter lack of respect for you. I can feel your misery just by reading your words. Work on your own side of that fence you are sitting on.. cut out the drinking, and get yourself into therapy. It wont fix what SHE does, but it can help you get to a place where you are healthier and realize that you deserve better, and eventually knock you off that fence.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Your wife is obviously a broken person. You cannot heal her.

She has used drugs and endearing words from men to cope with her, likely depression.

Hate her not, heal her not, harbor her not, not for the long haul, the long journey ahead of you.

Make detailed plans, slowly release the guy ropes and prepare to sail away.

Keep on good terms with the daughters four.

Go in peace, leave in sanity. Leave her insanity behind.

Just Sayin'



KB-


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

What is Kratom?

https://www.drugs.com/illicit/kratom.html


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## Gonna (Jul 22, 2019)

What does it take to either push someone away or draw them back into your heart? It seems as though she will do the bare minimum to find a catharsis and the counter act it with a bit emotional abuse to maintain a balance. Its this limbo that kills me. 

Eas? Some confessed, some discovered. No actual evidence one way or the other about pa. I dont trust her enough to tell me the truth. I cant be to specific but when we had the "talk" at the beginning of our relationship she set some boundries in place, and i agreed, and for ten years proceeded to break em all. If I said anything I was being controlling and abusive. Took the whole ten years to get rid of a friend of hers who no respect for her own marriage and even less for ours. 

I have resolved to curb drinking, hasent helped yet, time to try something new. Wife is in anger counciling, but I dont see any light at the end of the tunnel. Nothing is changed. I did about six months of ic, but i fear I might have been a bit much for her, she retired after about twenty sessions with me.

I guess I am looking for outside perspectives, and I got em. Nice to know I'm not the only person in this situation. 

Looking ahead five years I see only two possibilities. We are together or we aren't. I would love to just go, guess I just need to find my courage to do so. 


Gonna.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Have you straight up asked her to explain why she chooses to remain married to you?

Have you had the courage to make it clear to her why you want to dissolve the marriage?

Its human nature when faced with choosing between 2 options, one has pain with which you are familiar. The other has pain with which you are unfamiliar ... therefore your brain rationalizes that it must be worse. So ... you continue to choose the pain you know.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Gonna said:


> I guess I am looking for outside perspectives, and I got em. Nice to know I'm not the only person in this situation.
> 
> Looking ahead five years I see only two possibilities. We are together or we aren't. *I would love to just go, guess I just need to find my courage to do so. *
> 
> Gonna.


It really is okay to want out. Coming to the realization that THAT is what you want is your very important first step.


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