# Ready to Give Up on my Marriage



## BoredWife (Jul 3, 2012)

I've been married nearly 19 years. There are so many things wrong with my marriage and I keep going back and forth on whether or not I'm done with this. It would take me forever to write down even a small part of it. Basically it's this:

--I get snapped at for asking him to do something. I am not demanding. I do not tell him do to it now, but he gets mad and says that I'm springing it on him. I don't think I'm a nag but I have to keep reminding him to do stuff and I end up get snapped at. 

--When he comes home he claims he's exhausted so we hardly ever go out in the evening. We don't have the same days off so the evenings after work are pretty much all we have. 

--He hold grudges forever. Some of his family, some of mine, the next door neighbor, and even some of my friends. It makes life so awkward. 

--He seems to fight me on things that absolutely have to be done. Our house needs some major repairs and he has done zero to find people to fix it. I have been calling them and meeting with them, but then he complains about the bids or waits until the last possible minute to prepare for the workers to come and do things.

--I feel like I'm always walking on egg shells around him. I just can't seem to say anything right. 

--I am finding that I am glad when he goes to the bar instead of coming home from work because when he does come home he sits in bed with a book or in front of his computer or he makes fun of whatever show it is I am watching. He complains that I watch too much TV. He might be right, but he never wants to do anything. 

--I try to talk to him about what's going on with the house or ask him questions about this and that and he won't stick around long enough to finish the conversation. I need five minutes and I maybe get 1. 

I feel like I am living by myself. When we get in big fights I ask him why he's not happy. I never really get an answer. I have asked him if he would be happier if he moved out but he turns that into me wanting to kick him out. He can't afford to pay on this house. If he could I might have packed up long ago and let him have it. I know I don't always do everything right but I don't set out to upset him. I just want him to be happy. That's the reason I asked him if he'd be happier if he didn't live here. 

He needs to grow up. There, I said it. I just can't believe the way he acts sometimes. He's a very smart guy and he can be fun but sometimes he loses his temper and does majorly stupid stuff. 

I know he's always had some issues due to his upbringing, but he wasn't this difficult before. 

One time I suggested that maybe he needs to have his medication adjusted and he got mad at me for that. 

I know, I need to call a therapist. I guess if I can't get him to go (very possible he won't) I should go and figure myself out.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

BoredWife said:


> I know, I need to call a therapist. I guess if I can't get him to go (very possible he won't) I should go and figure myself out.


There ya go.. he may not go at first due to pride and thinking "There's nothing wrong with me" but perhaps eventually he will start seeing his own faults and realize that he may indeed need therapy and/or medication.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Just hang in there bored.. I hope things turn around for the better in your relationship.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Bored,

You also need to take some actions on your own

BTW, constantly reminding him to do something IS nagging. How about a list of chores on the fridge? Are these things you could do to so he could see that you're participating?

Is it possible he is tired in the evenings? I know I am usually too tired to go out if I have to get up the next morning and go to work. What about going out the evenings where he doesn't have to work the next day so he could sleep?

To be honest, your marriage sounds like it's already over unless the two of you decide that you want it to work. I think you need to ask him that. Ask him if he loves you and if he wants to be married still. If he doesn't give you a positive yes to both questions, you have your answer.

Be fair in the divorce so you can both walk away without hating each other


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

You say he wasn't always this difficult. How long has it been this way? Was the change gradual, or sudden? Looking back at the last time you remember him being the old him (for lack of a better term), what life changes occured either just prior or since. Death in the family, a moves, change in jobs, illness - anything like that?

Also, do you have children with him?


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

19 years is the perfect amount of years to put you guys into the shake it up era. Having been at this website now for over a year there seems to be a commonality of Teen year marriages in trouble. Sometimes one or both spouse have hit there 40's and suffering from a degree of a mid life unhappiness. It is a funk that will change.

Therapy is a great idea. Do IC for you and try to do MC if he will.

My advice having been through this and 18 years married, is to find a therapist that you both can agree to working with and if either of you is not happy, keep searching. Your marriage is worth it.

If you both want it you can actually end up with a better marriage than you have ever had, but you have to want it and be willing to make changes. You can only change yourself which usually makes the other change by example.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're married to my husband. I would tell him that something is broken or needs to be done; he looks me right in the face; says not a word; turns around and walks away as though I never even spoke; either goes back to watching tv or goes and works on something ELSE so he's not doing what *I* asked.

I cherish the days he's gone so that I don't have to be on eggshells and can just relax. 

Went on for more than 30 years until this year. When I finally told him I'm ready to move out. Unless he starts going to therapy for his negativity and anger (in the past, when I suggest it, he pretends I didn't say anything). 

He went to his second therapy session yesterday. 

Because I held to my boundary. You need to figure out your boundaries.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

BoredWife said:


> I've been married nearly 19 years. There are so many things wrong with my marriage and I keep going back and forth on whether or not I'm done with this. It would take me forever to write down even a small part of it.


Just wondering but is there anything about this guy you are OK with?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And did you happen to run into an old friend lately? An old male friend?


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## BoredWife (Jul 3, 2012)

Thanks to all of you for your advice and understanding. 

We don't have human children but do have cats. We'd have to figure out what is best for them. I'd gladly keep them all but he loves them, too. That's one thing I have always loved about him, he loves cats and they love him. Even unfriendly cats will often be friendly to him. But I feel like even that cats aren't getting enough time from him anymore. 

He has always been what I would call a negative person. He has anger issues, and once he gets mad at someone, he pretty much severs the relationship. It's not always some big horrible thing that causes this to happen. It's one thing for him to have problems with a few people but there seem to be more and more all the time. I can be negative, too, but I want to be happy and like to be happy. He's moody and sometimes he'll describe himself as content, but he doesn't say he's happy. 

Nothing major has happened to him lately. He got out of his career a few years ago to do something that he likes. He has to work weekends and that is hard on me. He's more of a loner than I am so he'll go out on his days off and do stuff on his own. I take time off on his days off from time to time and we usually do something, but sometimes he gets mad at me for whatever reason and we end up doing nothing. 

I do not expect him to go out every night. Once a week or once every few weeks would be fine. He can pick when but there again is a problem. He won't commit to a "date". There are many times he goes out after work to take pictures of historical stuff so he's certainly not too tired on those nights. The other nights he usually goes to the bar. So the nights he actually does come home after work he's always "too tired". It makes me feel bad. It makes me feel like he doesn't want to do anything with me, he'd just rather be off by himself. I grew up in a non-drinking family so I admit to not understanding why the bar is so relaxing for him. Couldn't he come home and have a drink and relax? Maybe watch a movie together and relax? We haven't watched a movie at home together in over a year. He can pick the movie. We have plenty. I think it's been at least a year since I got him into a movie theatre. I've become very independent and I go out and do a lot of things by myself. Things I thought he liked to do but won't do now. 

He used to be what I would call a happy drunk, but now when he drinks he gets more difficult and belligerant. I am not sure why that changed. He doesn't feel compelled to drink all the time nor does he drink every day so I don't think he's an alcoholic. He usually stops at three beers. 

He seems to have no interest in participating in getting the house fixed up. I have to take all the initiative. I work full time, too yet he seems to think that because I work at home a lot I can also clean the house and do everything else when at home working. He does his share of cleaning but he gives me zero credit for things I do other than cleaning like bills, keeping the bank accounts up to date, etc. All that takes time and he acts like it is nothing. I get tired, too. I have dealt with health issues from the day I was born. I am actually doing better than I used to, but I still have those days where I am super tired and don't get my weekend cleaning done but I generally try to make up for it by doing a little cleaning ever day after work. He'll blame me for the lawn not being mowed because he thinks that he has to do the the house cleaning. I have offered to hire out the lawn work so he doesn't have to do it but he doesn't seem to like that idea. If I tell him I'm finishing up the cleaning during the week it doesn't sway him. He goes into a tizzy and starts having a fit over where the vacuum is. It's not like he is a clean freak. Far from it and he never cleans the tub or shower. They are two of the hardest and most exhausting things for me to do and I can have a clean bathroom and kitchen but if I didn't get to vacuuming the living room he acts like I haven't done a thing. He has even complains that I clean the kitchen and bathroom counters too much. 

I'm going to stop for now. There is just so much. Thanks in advance.


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## BoredWife (Jul 3, 2012)

turnera said:


> And did you happen to run into an old friend lately? An old male friend?


No. I have enough going on in my life than to complicate it like that. I would never do that anyway. I am loyal to a fault sometimes. I don't even want to think about getting out of a relationship and going right back into another. 

There are some things my husband does right and there are special things about him, but his attitude about everything just seems to be so bad lately. We don't listen to each other very well. I admit to having a problem with that. I'm guilty.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, I wasn't suggesting anything. It's just that, even when you run into someone you used to know, that grass starts looking greener, you know?

Not knowing more, it sounds like he is dissatisfied with how his life turned out. Many many men simply want a wife to replace their mother; sounds like that's what you got - the role of making his life easier, while he expends no effort.

Now, before you throw it all away, there ARE things you can TRY, to see if you can shake up this marriage to be what it used to be before his disillusion stepped in.

First, have you read His Needs Her Needs?


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

BoredWife said:


> --I get snapped at for asking him to do something. I am not demanding. I do not tell him do to it now, but he gets mad and says that I'm springing it on him. I don't think I'm a nag but I have to keep reminding him to do stuff and I end up get snapped at.


How are you asking? My gf's former room mate had a certain way of bringing up problems. She would do it in a way where the natural response is to fight against her just to prove a point. Example: The kitchen is dirty and my gf wants to clean it. Room mate says something like "I told you a million times. You should clean the kitchen."
She's trying to show control, and cleaning the kitchen would be like following orders instead of doing something we already planned on doing. Result? We're not cleaning this kitchen. Let it stay dirty for a while longer _just to piss her off_.




> --When he comes home he claims he's exhausted so we hardly ever go out in the evening. We don't have the same days off so the evenings after work are pretty much all we have.


If he doesn't want to go out, he would be doing you a favor by going out with you. Have you done any favors for him that would justify this? I would guess the answer is no. If he wants to be alone, the only favor you can really do for him is to leave him alone.




> He seems to fight me on things that absolutely have to be done. Our house needs some major repairs and he has done zero to find people to fix it. I have been calling them and meeting with them, but then he complains about the bids or waits until the last possible minute to prepare for the workers to come and do things.


Procrastination is a very strong indication of mental problems. He might be depressed. He might be stressed out. 




> --I am finding that I am glad when he goes to the bar instead of coming home from work because when he does come home he sits in bed with a book or in front of his computer or he makes fun of whatever show it is I am watching. He complains that I watch too much TV. He might be right, but he never wants to do anything.


Chronic boredom is a serious problem. People with this problem can often turn to alcohol, illegal drugs, gambling, or other risky behavior. Get him on some antidepressant drugs or something. If he's already on drugs, then try switching to another drug.




> I know he's always had some issues due to his upbringing, but he wasn't this difficult before.


What issues? 




> One time I suggested that maybe he needs to have his medication adjusted and he got mad at me for that.


What type of medication? If he's on antipsychotic drugs, that would explain every single thing you posted. Psychosis seems to be tied to dopamine in some way, so antipsychotic drugs reduce dopamine activity. Dopamine is also responsible for having a reason to be alive. Food, sex, drugs, music, and games are all enjoyable because they release large amounts of dopamine. When dopamine is blocked, nothing is enjoyable. Food is bland, sex seems pointless, all music sounds the same, games seem like a waste of time. 



> I grew up in a non-drinking family so I admit to not understanding why the bar is so relaxing for him.


Alcohol is a GABA drug which is vaguely similar to prescription drugs given to people who have anxiety problems. People will always seek out the drug that makes them feel normal or better. Being attracted to alcohol is an indication that he has anxiety problems.



> Couldn't he come home and have a drink and relax?


He might feel ashamed that he enjoys being drunk.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

We need more background.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think Toffer hit the nail on the head and it doesn't need much more than that. 

If you want him to step up to the plate, then just go ahead and do things your way - without his input, since he doesn't often give it. When he doesn't like the results, you can invite him with genuine joy (rather than blame) to take more initiative.

It might take a while, and to speed things along, what I personally would do is make some decisions that I knew darn well would not be quite what he wanted, but wouldn't be harmful, either. I wouldn't wait around, and I wouldn't criticize or nag him to do things. I'd just go hire someone and pay for it using his credit card. I'd be willing to give him money to cover part or all of the cost, but I'd let him see it on the bill or tell him about it. It doesn't take long to get the point across without complaint or nagging this way.

And the whole process would have me feeling happy and carefree until he complained.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My therapist told me to hire people to take care of the issues husband refused to be responsible for.


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