# Separation confusions??



## Dustysmom (Aug 3, 2012)

Hi there,

Ok so my husband and I are separating. We have been married almost 7 years and have been together 12 years. We have 1 child. There have been some things he has said to me that confuse me. He says that right now he does not want to be in this marriage and doesn't love me anymore but doesn't know what the future holds? What does this mean? Does this mean he needs some space but could possibly consider reconciliation? I still love him very much and want to work at our marriage. At this point he does not want any councelling. But if I have to move on some day then I want to know that the door to this marriage is closed. He says that he still wants to be friends meaning going for coffee or going to a movie. So I am getting mixed signals and just don't want to hold onto any hope. 

Any help would be great.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

It means your his backup plan. Chance are he has another women. You need to find out if he is having an affair. He is testing the waters to see if it works out with her

Expose the affair if it exists. Read up on the 180 here and do it regardless. No begging for him to come back. He wants out. Show him what it's like without you.

Your hub is exhibiting classic behavior of a spouse that is in an affair.


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## Dustysmom (Aug 3, 2012)

I don't know a 100% but I am 99% sure he is NOT having a affair. He just doesn't have the time. He works alot and I know this because it reflects in his paycheck. I have asked him and he says there is no one else.


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

It's amazing how these things follow a script. You get waylaid by your spouse saying he needs space. It's not you, he just doesn't feel the same way anymore. If you could leave that would be great. Otherwise he will go someplace to figure himself out. There isn't anyone else as far a you know. You are in shock and heartbroken and willing to give him whatever he needs to get through this and get your family back together. Then you find out there was someone else all along, probably weeks before the big speech. It's likely too late to save your marriage. There probably was no saving it once the OW showed up anyway. This will take months before you feel worthy again and maybe years before you feel normal again. These spouses are just awful people and they think they are doing you a favor.


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## Dustysmom (Aug 3, 2012)

I am pretty sure he is NOT having a affair. I mean I am not a 100% but he is home all weekend and comes home right after work. I am not sure where he would find the time. So another woman is not the problem. He has been very stressed financially. He has this plan to separate and get shared accomodation or he has said to live in his car and pay off all the debts so we can both start off with a clean slate. I have not been working since my maternity benefits ended but have been looking for a job for the past 8 months with no success. So money is a big stress for him right now. I think he sees us separating as the only solution to fix that.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Dustysmom said:


> I don't know a 100% but I am 99% sure he is NOT having a affair. He just doesn't have the time. He works alot and I know this because it reflects in his paycheck. I have asked him and he says there is no one else.


I thought my STBXH didn't have time either as he always would leave and come home at the exact same times. His whereabouts were always accounted for...or so I thought. 

Then I found out he was having an affair with a co-worker. And, they primarily had sex while they were _at work_.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Dustysmom said:


> I am pretty sure he is NOT having a affair. I mean I am not a 100% but he is home all weekend and comes home right after work. I am not sure where he would find the time. So another woman is not the problem. He has been very stressed financially. He has this plan to separate and get shared accomodation or he has said to live in his car and pay off all the debts so we can both start off with a clean slate. I have not been working since my maternity benefits ended but have been looking for a job for the past 8 months with no success. So money is a big stress for him right now. I think he sees us separating as the only solution to fix that.


When you separate you have TWO households to pay for...even if one of the households is his vehicle. For most couples, living separately does not improve your financial state.


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

Yeah he will "live in his car" for you... Like leaving you and living in his car would be the best thing for you with all that financial stress he has to overcome. He may be living out of his car but he will be sleeping somewhere. Why can't he sleep on the couch? It can't be because he wants to be unaccountable, right? He is making space for someone else in his life.


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## Dustysmom (Aug 3, 2012)

Well he is a truck driver not long haul he is home every night. I really truly believe there is no one else.

As for the financial problems I have told him the same thing but for some reason he thinks it would be easier and faster to get it paid off this way. Right now we are still living together but are waiting until the end of september to move (that' when the lease is up) he says then he will live and sleep in his car if it means getting the debt paid off. I am going to live with my parents.

Up until now I have been trying to convince him to stay which I think is making him angrier. After reading up on the 180 I think I am going to try this method now and after we separate. See if it works.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Sleeping in his car = code for stayin at ow's place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dustysmom (Aug 3, 2012)

Ok maybe there is another woman but I really don't think at this point that there is someone. He's never secretly texting or talking on the phone. So if he is he's doing a really good job of hiding it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

The fact that he is so adamant about "sleeping in the truck" seems like a red flag to me. Why can't you both move into your parents' house?


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

By the way, a cheater tends to do as much as possible to keep suspicion low. Remember...many on this site have spouses that have been cheating for YEARS before they found out. 

Just something to think about.


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## Dustysmom (Aug 3, 2012)

We can't all stay at my parents. There just isn't enough room and plus he doesn't want to stay there. He says that right now he wants to be alone and see what the future holds. Lets just say for arguements sake he is NOT cheating why would he be saying all the things I wrote in my first post.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Dustysmom said:


> We can't all stay at my parents. There just isn't enough room and plus he doesn't want to stay there. He says that right now he wants to be alone and see what the future holds. Lets just say for arguements sake he is NOT cheating why would he be saying all the things I wrote in my first post.


Exactly, see how hard it is to believe? NoNE of these waywards are going to tell you they are leaving for someone else. By nature they lie and cover up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

Dusty, your story sounds so similar to mine. My STBXH is even still wearing his wedding ring whenever I see him. I'm sure he puts it on before he knows he'll see me or the kids. I also can't find evidence of OW but I'm actually almost positive there IS one. I can't believe for a minute that he'd just throw it all away and leave me and his kids over anything else. 

But how do we find out? My STBXH is trying to get me to agree to some terms in divorce that would not be good for me. He has made all kinds of threats letting me know I better not contest. His cell phone is paid by his company so I can't see that anymore but watched it before and didn't find anything. He's no longer living here so I can't bug computer or phone, no access. I want to know if there is OW so I can expose so it's not easy for him. So far, it's been real easy because he's made me out the 'bad guy' to everyone, even exaggerating and doing the history rewriting.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

OP, there is only one reason someone says that stuff, and it is b/c they are involved with someone else. I know you want to believe that isn't true, but if he is a truck driver (locally), he has plenty of opportunity to cheat, esp. during his breaks/lunch time. 

No one who is really unhappy and just wants out will say things like that. You would know what it is that makes him so unhappy if it was you causing his distress. You'd be on here saying, "I know I made mistakes and. . . " But clearly he is NOT (yet) putting it on you--he's doing the "I need space [to cheat], and who knows what the future holds." 

A person who has really tried to remain married despite being unhappy--and who is NOT cheating--will start with something like, "I just can't do this anymore. . ." A very different story unfolds, and you would be reminded of things that have always bothered him but you down played their significance, and you'd be reeling b/c this things really were important to him and you ignored them and you'd know you were playing with fire and just got burned. Again, that isn't the story. 

So, slip a voice activated recorder in his truck, under the seat. Or follow him one day, if that is possible. A person who wants to cheat will figure out how--where there is a will, there is a way. 

Do you check the credit card statements? MIght be a clue there if it is something he is responsible for doing. Also check phone records for regular calls--even short ones--to numbers you don't know. Give that number a call and see who answers. Ask for your husband by first and last name and see what happens. Maybe nothing revealing, but maybe otherwise, too. Can't hurt.


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## Dustysmom (Aug 3, 2012)

I have checked cell phone bills and text history and nothing. I have even checked his actual phone and have found nothing. Following him well that would be hard he works like 12 hour days and drives in the downtown core.

There are problems that have been going on for awhile, things he has asked me to change or do different and yes I have ignored them. I want to change but at the same time I am not sure how to prove it to him. I don't want to be in his face all the time. It seems to make him angrier. He has said many times that he just can't do this this anymore and that he's just not sure he wants to be married. So what do I do now?


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Dustysmom said:


> He has said many times that he just can't do this this anymore and that he's just not sure he wants to be married. So what do I do now?


You let him go. You can't control what he does, how he thinks, or (obviously) where he lives. 

Go NC (no contact) with him, except for communication about your child or other important--financial, legal--matters. 

All you can do otherwise is work on yourself and take care of your child.


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