# Why do I always think about all the negative stuff when I'm with my husband?



## problemsneverend (Apr 11, 2009)

We have been married for 12 years and together for 17 years (I"m 33 and he's 37). We have 3 healthy and beautiful children. Every marriage has money issues etc. but I can't put them aside. I get so stressed about the bills being late, the stupid 4 family house we own that is falling apart and tenants aren't paying the rent, super mortgage that we pay (3200/month), cars are falling apart, kids need clothes etc. - is all I can think about when we are together. It's just started affecting our sex life which has always been healthy. Recently my husbands health has really been getting to me. I think about him dying of a heart attack (family history) because he is overweight and prediabetic and he will start working out and loosing weight but then put it all back on. I'm a health nut, workout, run, and our kids live a healthy lifestyle. I suggest we do things together but he thinks everything is stupid. We tried walking together but then I have to workout later because he walks like a turtle and doesn't even sweat - but if I mention that then we end up fighting. Maybe I'm just going thru some kind of mid-life crisis. 

ANY advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## blindsided (Nov 29, 2008)

I don't know if my answer will be what you are looking for, but here goes:

I used to always get really stressed about our finances, too. Married 27 years, three kids, and seems like we will never get out of debt......

After my husband's affair last summer, I find myself looking at things a lot differently. He lost his job recently, we are probably facing an out of state move, our house will never sell in this market, even if it didn't need repairs (which it does). 

I have been amazingly calm.....because I keep thinking how different my life COULD be right now. He confessed to his affair, I have forgiven him, and we have an even better marriage than before. I never knew how much I missed him!

We have each other, we have three wonderful children, and I know the rest will work out SOMEHOW. Might not be the way I planned it, but there will be a resolution. 

I think you may be letting the financial stresses seep into the relationship with your husband. Guess the upshot of my post is to count your blessings, do the best you can with what you have, and remember.....even if everything goes down the tube regarding houses, cars, etc.......those really are just THINGS, and in the grand scheme, not nearly as important. 

I wish you luck.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

problemsneverend said:


> We have been married for 12 years and together for 17 years (I"m 33 and he's 37). We have 3 healthy and beautiful children. Every marriage has money issues etc. but I can't put them aside. I get so stressed about the bills being late, the stupid 4 family house we own that is falling apart and tenants aren't paying the rent, super mortgage that we pay (3200/month), cars are falling apart, kids need clothes etc. - is all I can think about when we are together. It's just started affecting our sex life which has always been healthy. Recently my husbands health has really been getting to me. I think about him dying of a heart attack (family history) because he is overweight and prediabetic and he will start working out and loosing weight but then put it all back on. I'm a health nut, workout, run, and our kids live a healthy lifestyle. I suggest we do things together but he thinks everything is stupid. We tried walking together but then I have to workout later because he walks like a turtle and doesn't even sweat - but if I mention that then we end up fighting. Maybe I'm just going thru some kind of mid-life crisis.
> 
> ANY advice would be greatly appreciated.


I tend to be negative, too. It is good that you are happy with the kids. I feel every part of my life is a failure, marriage, kids, sex, money, health, moods, etc. I don't think this is a mid-life crisis. A lot of people here are going through similar struggles.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

problemsneverend said:


> ANY advice would be greatly appreciated.


Yes. Get the sex sorted. A lot of people are having financial strain right now, and it's a real libido killer. Finances are stressful at the best of times. Sex is a great stress buster. And it's free, as long as you don't get pregnant


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## GoodGirl (May 8, 2009)

It sounds to me like you are not connected to your husband right now. You are stressing over these issues possibly because you feel you are fighting these battles alone. When we marry we have an expectation of finally I no longer have travel this road alone. When we feel left adrift and alone it heightens our fears to an exponential level. mark Twain is right one of the quickest and surest ways for a married couple to reconnect is with sex.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

problemsneverend said:


> We have been married for 12 years and together for 17 years (I"m 33 and he's 37). We have 3 healthy and beautiful children. Every marriage has money issues etc. but I can't put them aside. I get so stressed about the bills being late, the stupid 4 family house we own that is falling apart and tenants aren't paying the rent, super mortgage that we pay (3200/month), cars are falling apart, kids need clothes etc. - is all I can think about when we are together. It's just started affecting our sex life which has always been healthy. Recently my husbands health has really been getting to me. I think about him dying of a heart attack (family history) because he is overweight and prediabetic and he will start working out and loosing weight but then put it all back on. I'm a health nut, workout, run, and our kids live a healthy lifestyle. I suggest we do things together but he thinks everything is stupid. We tried walking together but then I have to workout later because he walks like a turtle and doesn't even sweat - but if I mention that then we end up fighting. Maybe I'm just going thru some kind of mid-life crisis.
> 
> ANY advice would be greatly appreciated.


Those things you mentioned are super stressors... maybe time to think about selling the 4 family house since its a major source of stress.
Thats what I would do.
You'd have not only less sstress but more free time with not worrying about the house falling apart and mortgage.

Doesn't sound like a mid life crisis to me, sounds more like 
house problems.


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## jilted (Apr 4, 2010)

This post is pretty late to an interesting thread but here goes anyway.
problemsneverend - to your statements:
"Maybe I'm just going thru some kind of mid-life crisis. "​that's funny 'cause you're really quite young.
Big house/mortgage and bum tenants that hopefully you have gotten rid of. Don't put up with missed rent payments. Take action on that immediately. Our payments are similar but we try to keep the rents rolling in. Your husbands health, he does need to do something. A brisk 20-30 min walk daily at a minimum would do a lot of good and stay away from the junkfood. The sex is marriage maintenance and lately I have realized a key indicator of marriage health.

I really hope things have improved for you.

Personally, I like what GoodGirl says. It's about connecting. 

The part that's killing me is infrequent sex and very little affection. I for years have excused it as ' oh, that's just the way she is ' but it's now it's finally really getting at me and my excusing it let a lot of habits and resentment build. I will need to start a separate thread for this so I'm not hijacking this but I want to know informally and anecdotally about realistic frequency of marital sex.

Sensitive: "It is good that you are happy with the kids. I feel every part of my life is a failure, marriage, kids, sex, money, health, moods, etc. I don't think this is a mid-life crisis. A lot of people here are going through similar struggles."​ Very true about these all being typical stressors but they're not failures until something completely falls through. I worry a lot too about all these things and that's kindof holding me back from really living life. Your life isn't a failure. Think of past successes and all the good.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

problemsneverend said:


> We have been married for 12 years and together for 17 years (I"m 33 and he's 37). We have 3 healthy and beautiful children. Every marriage has money issues etc. but I can't put them aside. I get so stressed about the bills being late, the stupid 4 family house we own that is falling apart and tenants aren't paying the rent, super mortgage that we pay (3200/month), cars are falling apart, kids need clothes etc. - is all I can think about when we are together. It's just started affecting our sex life which has always been healthy. Recently my husbands health has really been getting to me. I think about him dying of a heart attack (family history) because he is overweight and prediabetic and he will start working out and loosing weight but then put it all back on. I'm a health nut, workout, run, and our kids live a healthy lifestyle. I suggest we do things together but he thinks everything is stupid. We tried walking together but then I have to workout later because he walks like a turtle and doesn't even sweat - but if I mention that then we end up fighting. Maybe I'm just going thru some kind of mid-life crisis.
> 
> ANY advice would be greatly appreciated.


You're a worry wart. It's normal for women, but there are ways to cope with this kind of behavior. To validate the actual issues, and to invalidate ones that aren't necessary. Kind of like OCD therapy. So I would seek the help of a personal therapist if I were in your situation.


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