# My Wife Won't Move



## hydro29 (Aug 4, 2013)

My family has an excavation company that nearly went bankrupt when the recession hit. Led by blind faith I took every piece of equipment we had and relocated to North Dakota. Most of this time I've been here alone and my wife, 6 year old son, and 13 year old daughter would come visit as often as the schedule would allow. This last year my whole family managed to stay with me the entire school year and then when summer came they went back to our home in Montana. Now with the new school year approaching my step daughter has decided that she does not want to return to North Dakota because her she does not want to be away from her father, family, and long time friends. Because of this my wife will not return as well. I'm extremely conflicted. This now means that I will not be with my family, especially painful to be without my son. Please understand that the economy has not recovered in Western Montana and the only reason why I and my parents have kept their possessions and homes is because of the work I have created in North Dakota. Our relationship was on a thin thread prior to making the move and this whole ordeal has pushed me over the top. Any help or insight would be greatly appreciated.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Pull the plug on their finances there.

You're making it too easy for them to stay.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

There is no easy answer. 

Either you stay and work in ND and possibly lose your family, but can afford for everyone to live, or, go back to MT without a job and lose everything. 

My initial thoughts are wondering how strong your marriage really is. 

Your wife realizes you have no means of making money in MT and therefore should naturally follow you to ND because that's the only place the family can live as such, regardless of your step daughter's feelings. Families often have to move and it is a sad thing for kids, but such is life. But the fact they refuse to follow you is concerning to me. 

But you're looking for an answer or a solution. 

The only thing I can think of is to have the step daughter live in MT during the school year and ND during school holidays and the summer while the rest of the family joins you in ND. If that doesn't work, then sadly you have to choose between being with your family in MT and make very little money or stay in ND, make money for the family, and rarely see them and any possible repercussions from that.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

so a 13 year old is making the decisions for the fate of your family and marriage. How's that working for you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you the sole support of your wife and your son?

Does the step daughter's father pay child support?

You need to play some hardball here. It's wrong for your wife to think that you have to go off, be without your son and family and then you have to work and support her. But she will provide you no moral support and keeps your son away from you.

What you are being told is that it's important for your stepdaughter to be with her father. But it's not important for you son to be with you.

I agree that your step daughter should stay with her father and then live with you and your wife in North Dakota during vacations, holidays and other school breaks. 

If your wife will not agree to this, the stop supporting her and file for shared custody of your son.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

Personally, when on the horns of a dilemma, I prefer to choose neither. In your case this might mean finding a way, any way, to make money nearby to your family. You may have to move hell or high water to achieve this, and it may be a struggle for a while, but consider this growth experience a gift that the Universe is requiring you to accept, and the Universe thinks you are up to the challenge, rather than something your family is imposing on you.

This may be scary. However... not only would this likely give your family a chance of staying together (when otherwise eventual divorce seems likely) but you could also diversify and discover you can support yourself in more ways than one. That outcome would strengthen you across the board - family, character (self-esteem, self-confidence) and income security.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Tell us more about how the move evolved. Did you discuss it with your wife ahead of time or just tell her what you were going to do and expect that she would support it?

If they stayed with you for a school year, it sounds like she has made some effort to make the move work but it doesn't. Could be your step daughter or it could be that your wife really doesn't want to be in ND either and won't admit it to you. If this was decision made by your family and forced upon her, I can understand her resentment.


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## hydro29 (Aug 4, 2013)

The decision to move was done hastily, but my wife did agree that it was necessary. We never have had one of those "I say what goes" kind of relationships. What you need to understand is that we are not just talking about my direct needs being met. What I do here supports our and my parents mortgage, business properties, and equipment loans. Like I stated before, we were going to lose it all. While we have many looming issues this particular crisis boils down to my stepdaughter. Her father does not make much of a living and he is much more "free" with her then my wife is comfortable with. Her fear is that unless she is there every day, then her daughter will turn into a "***** ****". I use quotes because this is exactly what was told to me. On the contrary, the girl is a sweetheart. While she is thirteen, she is smart and very capable of knowing the difference between right and wrong. She has lived with us since she was four and we have a tight relationship so it does hurt a bit to know that she would rather stay in Montana.


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## hydro29 (Aug 4, 2013)

Sorry. Just read some of the responses. I am the sole supporter of the family. My stepdaughters father does not pay child support.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

hydro29 said:


> The decision to move was done hastily, but my wife did agree that it was necessary. We never have had one of those "I say what goes" kind of relationships. What you need to understand is that we are not just talking about my direct needs being met. What I do here supports our and my parents mortgage, business properties, and equipment loans. Like I stated before, we were going to lose it all. While we have many looming issues this particular crisis boils down to my stepdaughter. Her father does not make much of a living and he is much more "free" with her then my wife is comfortable with. Her fear is that unless she is there every day, then her daughter will turn into a "***** ****". I use quotes because this is exactly what was told to me. On the contrary, the girl is a sweetheart. While she is thirteen, she is smart and very capable of knowing the difference between right and wrong. She has lived with us since she was four and we have a tight relationship so it does hurt a bit to know that she would rather stay in Montana.


I can appreciate your situation, particularly your sense or responsibility for your extended family. What you say kind of reinforces my suspicion that there is some amount of resentment on your wife's part that her life must be drastically changed to accommodate others. I know you think there was no other choice, but are you sure she feels the same way? You say she agreed it was necessary and I dont doubt it, but if there were no other options presented to her what choice did she have? Maybe she didn't anticipate it lasting this long? Maybe she got a taste of ND and didn't like it? I don't know, but I would do a little more digging if I were you to determine if the daughter is really the number one reason she wants to stay. The daughter may simply be a good excuse.

Also, your wife might be right about her daughter's evolution in her absence. 13 is part of a very pivotal time period in a girls life. Lots of good, sweet girls go very wrong in their early teens. If dad is too permissive and there is no counter to that, she could very easily go off the rails. Removing her from the stability of her friends and social status could be equally troublesome. I know, sacrifices sometimes have to be made and chances must be taken but I can understand why your wife might want to keep her daighter's life as intact as possible.

Ultimately, you need to have some open and brutally honest conversations with your wife. What will you do if she absolutely refuses to relocate?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are two children in this mix. Not just the 13 year old. Keeping the son away from his father could also have life-long, bad results.

There is a very good chance, with the economy the way it is, that hydro29 has no other choice. It's either everyone loses what they have and lives in poverty or he works in ND.

I know people here who have been through this. Sometimes there are no options. IF that is truly the case, then hydro29 has no choice. And then his wife is being unreasonable. He is the sole support. 

Also hydro, you have been the sole financial support for your step daughter for most of her life. Her mother seems to be taking this for granted. 

If your step daughter is better of with her mother then staying near her father is unacceptable. Your son needs you too.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> There are two children in this mix. Not just the 13 year old. Keeping the son away from his father could also have life-long, bad results.
> 
> There is a very good chance, with the economy the way it is, that hydro29 has no other choice. It's either everyone loses what they have and lives in poverty or he works in ND.
> 
> ...


I'm not judging the decision to relocate for business, I'm not living his life so I don't know what the options really are. I do know that often feelings have little to do with facts. Maybe the daughter is 100% of the reason for her refusal to move, maybe not. I just can't escape the feeling that there is more to his wife's story than meets the eye. She wouldn't be the first person on the world to resent her spouse's sense of responsibility to his parents. We don't know anything about his wife's relationship with his extended family. If its is not ideal, is it so far fetched to imagine a woman not wanting to uproot her entire life (and that of her daughter) so her husband can make sure his parent's mortgage is paid?

I know all about responsibilities and the feeling of having no choice. Usually, there are many other choices, they are just not attractive choices. Been there, done that. 

I agree that his son not being with dad is a bad thing, but little has been said about his wife's feelings on that. I would be curious to hear their conversations on that.

OP: I'm not blaming you for anything. You sound like a good and responsible man trying to make the best life for your family. Just make sure you really understand your wife's motivation for her decision. The distance is something that should be avoided at all costs. It is never good for a marriage. I strongly suggest you have an open conversation about the entire situation and do your best to avoid asserting that this is the only way and you have no choice, even if you believe it's true.


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## hydro29 (Aug 4, 2013)

If it were just a matter of supporting my immediate family, then I am sure that I could find some way to make it work. But it's not. The financial burdens are substantial when you work in this industry. I really do appreciate my wife's concern over her daughter, but I agree with EleGirl. My stepdaughter has had the advantage of having two fathers while my son only has me. He's an amazing, sharp kid and I desperately want to be a part of his daily life. My responsibilities require that I work long hours and most days of the week. Otherwise, I would push that he stay with me.


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## hydro29 (Aug 4, 2013)

For a little perspective. My wife's parents, aunt, and cousin live in the same town in Montana. She pretty much grew up there, as did I. But this last year, when she and the kids were here in ND, were some of the best times in our relationship. We had hoped that her daughter would grow to like it here as well. Her father was against the whole thing from the start and really pressured her to come back to MT where his extended family lives as well. My wife did find ND to be lonely because I did work long hours and was away. I did manage to make it home most nights but it is a dark cold place.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

hydro29 said:


> For a little perspective. My wife's parents, aunt, and cousin live in the same town in Montana. She pretty much grew up there, as did I. But this last year, when she and the kids were here in ND, were some of the best times in our relationship. We had hoped that her daughter would grow to like it here as well. Her father was against the whole thing from the start and really pressured her to come back to MT where his extended family lives as well. My wife did find ND to be lonely because I did work long hours and was away. I did manage to make it home most nights but it is a dark cold place.


Now we're getting somewhere. Her family is in MT and she found ND to be lonely. The fact that you think the time in ND together was some of the best times in your marriage supports this. You're all she has there, why wouldn't she become closer to you?

Do you really still think this is all about her daughter? Have that conversation and it is critical that you tell your wife to be 100% open and honest about the situation. She may feel guilty that she doesn't want to be away from her family, friends and home. Perhaps if you give her explicit permission to open up, she will. At least you will then know exactly what you are dealing with. If I had a nickel for each time my wife agreed with me only to tell me later that she didn't, I could be on the beach in Hawaii right now.

I wish you good luck. I am sorry you find yourself in this situation.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

I will be the Devil's advocate here. Your parents and son need you more than your stepdaughter needs her bio father who doesn't even pay child support. I don't care what the reason is but if you cannot take care of your children then probably you should think twice about not using protection. 

Your stepdaughter and wife are being selfish. Stop being the doormat. You are the provider for the family, where's your pride?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hydro29 said:


> For a little perspective. My wife's parents, aunt, and cousin live in the same town in Montana. She pretty much grew up there, as did I. But this last year, when she and the kids were here in ND, were some of the best times in our relationship. We had hoped that her daughter would grow to like it here as well. Her father was against the whole thing from the start and really pressured her to come back to MT where his extended family lives as well. My wife did find ND to be lonely because I did work long hours and was away. I did manage to make it home most nights but it is a dark cold place.


I too think that your wife being lonely in ND is a large part of this. If she were happy there she probably would tell her daughter that she has to do what is best for the entire family.

But your wife is an adult. Loneliness can be solved. There are things like trips home, relatives/friends visiting, joining or starting a play group, getting out and meeting people, cell phone with unlimited minutes. The list of what your wife could do to integrate herself and your family into the ND community are endless.

Do your parents help any with the work you are doing now? Are they involved at any level? If not perhaps they could get involved more and take some of the load off of you.

You should not be saddled with having the entire financial responsibility for your entire family.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

:iagree:

You are on a roll ELE.

Sometimes there are no good options. Good pickup on it being more than the stepdaughter.


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## Is It Just Me (Sep 8, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Do your parents help any with the work you are doing now? Are they involved at any level? If not perhaps they could get involved more and take some of the load off of you.
> 
> You should not be saddled with having the entire financial responsibility for your entire family.




I would like to know the answers to this as well.

Why are you financially responsible for adults in your family? 

If they are mentally/physically incapable of providing for themselves, perhaps some governmnt disability assistance might help to take the burden off of you, which could possibly lead you to going back to Montana.

If they can work, but are choosing not to, perhaps this is the right time for you to start setting boundaries with them and let them know that your first responsibility is with your wife and children, not them.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Is It Just Me said:


> I would like to know the answers to this as well.
> 
> Why are you financially responsible for adults in your family?
> 
> ...


Not surprising if his parents or grandparents started a company that was the livelihood of generations of his family members, and that his mom and dad have passed the baton to him to keep the company running.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I agree with the comment that said it sounds as though you are allowing your 13 year-old stepdaughter to call the shots here. No doubt it is tough for her but this is a situation where everyone is having to make sacrifices, it seems, so I do not see why she rules the roost. If you put your foot down with her, there is a good chance that she will make new friends in ND and then be happy.

Unless you see yourself returning to Montana in the near future.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> What I do here supports our and my parents mortgage, business properties, and equipment loans.


Are you an only child? Do other siblings/relatives work at this company? How did it become your sole responsibility to pay your parents mortgage? How old are they? They don't get SS? Where are they living? How big is this house? If they die, will the house continue to be your responsibility? Are you also paying all the taxes and maintenance? What kind of shape is this house in?

I realize these are difficult questions to ask, but this is something that needs to be addressed. You should be saving for a college fund for your son at this point, and making sure that -you- have money for retirement, lest you find yourself in a similiar situation. It may be time to seriously consider how being solely responsible for your parents well-being is going to work long-term. 

I agree with others, your wife may feel a certain amount of resentment about the situation, and is using her daughter's concerns as a way to avoid saying she feels the same way. 

The emphasis here is on "possessions and homes" - things, rather than the family unit. Do your parents really -need- to continue living in the home they are in? Or could they move somewhere with less costs? Is them keeping the home more emotional than logical? What are these possessions that are being worked so hard to keep? (The bank isn't going to come take your used clothes or photo albums away, they have no real resale value.)

Also - if the economy is still bad where your wife is living now, which is why you can't move back, what are the real chances you'll be able to sell your house for them to permanently move? 

In the end, how much is this business making, with the equipment costs and the business property upkeep? Have you had an accountant look into that? I mean - from the look of it, it sounds like things are barely making it work. Is it possible this business isn't feasible? Is it time to sell perhaps and look into another line of work?


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

hydro29 said:


> Sorry. Just read some of the responses. I am the sole supporter of the family. My stepdaughters father does not pay child support.


This hits my WTF button with a hammer. So your hard earned money is good enough to use, spend and live on, but you the provider are not good enough to be with? I mean come on! 

Tell your wife she either comes up and moves to be with her husband or she can find another husband to live off of.


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