# "Simple" question



## AuraH (Sep 9, 2013)

_I feel that my husband doesn't fill any of my expectations and he feels the same way.
What's to do?_


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Figure out if your expectations are reasonable.

Do not avoid conflict, but be respectful while doing so.

Communicate effectively. That means saying truthfully what you mean, and listening to what he needs, without being defensive. That goes for both of you.

What have you tried so far?


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## AuraH (Sep 9, 2013)

SadandAngry said:


> Figure out if your expectations are reasonable.
> 
> Do not avoid conflict, but be respectful while doing so.
> 
> ...




Do you think is reasonable to ask him to cooperate a little with the house chores and our 13 months old even though I'm a stay at home mother and he works 32 hours per week?
I don't mean cook or even do the dishes (he has never done it), but at least take out the trash, pick up after himself, take care of the baby while I clean or cook and those small things.

Is it reasonable to ask him for family time, eat at the table instead in front of the computer and be more productive some of his free time, instead of spending all of it in the pc or the ps3?
(Wash and clean the car, that hasn't been done in years, for example).

Is it reasonable to expect him to be able to have a discussion under clean terms instead of cursing, yelling, insulting and threatening in front of whomever (including my 11 year old daughter) or wherever?

Do you think I ask too much of my husband when I expect for him to defend our family members even if it means having a talk with his disrespectful mother instead of he telling me to deal with her while he stays behind the computer monitor every time she shows up unannounced?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Yes, that is all reasonable.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

He should be able to cook, clean and do any of the household tasks as well. Not all the time, but sometimes, like a partner. Just because you are a Sahm does not mean you are a servant. Just as his being the breadwinner doesn't make him merely an ATM.


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## AuraH (Sep 9, 2013)

*


SadandAngry said:



He should be able to cook, clean and do any of the household tasks as well. Not all the time, but sometimes, like a partner. Just because you are a Sahm does not mean you are a servant. Just as his being the breadwinner doesn't make him merely an ATM.

Click to expand...

*_Thank you for your response. _

*Figure out if your expectations are reasonable.*
_So, so far, my expectations ARE reasonable._

*Do not avoid conflict, but be respectful while doing so.*
_I do not avoid conflict, on the contrary, I'm the one that always tries to talk things over, while he states that there is too much talking in our relationship and at the smallest argument he would explode._

*Communicate effectively. That means saying truthfully what you mean, and listening to what he needs, without being defensive. That goes for both of you.*
_How to communicate effectively with someone who doesn't want to talk and when I say truthfully what I mean, he accuses me of being disrespectful... so he is the one that you could say is being defensive.
_

*What have you tried so far?*
_Like I said, I am always the one who tries to talk things over, while he acts offended and pushes me away or tells me not to get close to him or touch him, like a child would...
What I am trying to say is that we never get to have a real conversation because he blows up, avoids me, ignores me, etc...
_


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Sorry, he sounds like a maladjusted child. Too much talking in your marriage? Really? maybe you should offer to take sign language lessons...


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## AuraH (Sep 9, 2013)

Philat said:


> Sorry, he sounds like a maladjusted child. Too much talking in your marriage? Really? maybe you should offer to take sign language lessons...


_It is funny you'd say that, since a few times I had told him I was going to learn grunt language, because when I ask him something, most of the time just makes sounds or nods with his head instead of talking back at me.
His excuse for doing so is that men don't talk much and women talk too much...
This is all very frustrating to me, living under the same roof and sharing a bed with someone who is not even interested in sharing anything with me (but the obvious)._


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

AuraH said:


> _It is funny you'd say that, since a few times I had told him I was going to learn grunt language, because when I ask him something, most of the time just makes sounds or nods with his head instead of talking back at me.
> His excuse for doing so is that men don't talk much and women talk too much...
> This is all very frustrating to me, living under the same roof and sharing a bed with someone who is not even interested in sharing anything with me (but the obvious)._


Which of course makes you anything but interested in sharing the obvious, and he can't figure out why the hell not!


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## AuraH (Sep 9, 2013)

SadandAngry said:


> Which of course makes you anything but interested in sharing the obvious, and he can't figure out why the hell not!


Actually, I have told him plenty of times... when he has told me that the single most important thing he wants from me is sex.
I've heard a lot of jokes about guys being "simple" or easy to please, but is it really like this??? 
I'm trying to talk and get something profound out of him and all I get is "I want sex". 
He is happy: Sex. He is mad: Sex. I ask him for something, have to pay with sex.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Here's a little hint...if he feels he has to be paid for chores with sex that means he doesn't think he gets it freely. That's the worst kind of marriage to be in.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

It also means he really hasn't got a clue what drives a woman's desire.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Just leave him now. It won't get any better. I can guarantee that.


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## AuraH (Sep 9, 2013)

MrK said:


> Just leave him now. It won't get any better. I can guarantee that.


_I would have said this was a radical solution if my relationship wouldn't have suffered so much that all left of it are ashes, but I am in no position to take that step at this moment. 
Plus is better to fight and fall than to live without hope... for now._


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## AuraH (Sep 9, 2013)

SadandAngry said:


> It also means he really hasn't got a clue what drives a woman's desire.


_I think he knows, because I have told him. He doesn't seem to care.
Is it normal for a husband to ask a wife: "Can I do you?" (Meaning he will get some and she will not?)
Is it normal that if there is a situation like the baby to take care of or time to cook, he would ask for a "quickie" (even if it is not so quick, but just for him) and if I complain he would either tell me that I really don't want to or that we'll take care of me later?

He is so right when he complains about not getting it every time he wants or me acting as if it was a chore to do it most of the times, but am I wrong to feel this way??? 
Am I the only person that needs the right atmosphere to get in the mood? (A little foreplay, peace and quiet, relaxed surroundings, being clean (as in showering), feeling cared for etc).
_


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## AuraH (Sep 9, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Here's a little hint...if he feels he has to be paid for chores with sex that means he doesn't think he gets it freely. That's the worst kind of marriage to be in.


_He is right. Is not that he doesn't get it freely but more like he doesn't get it as frequent and most of the time I feel like it is a chore.
It is really hard to take care of everything and everyone while he sits in the computer all day because he thinks he deserves to have fun all of his free time... so while he is ignoring me all day, I am juggling chores and the baby and even if he sees me drowning or hears me complaining, he would ignore me and google-search: "my wife whines too much".
So generally, after I cook, feed the baby and do dishes at the same time and finally come to the room for attention, he would joke and tell me: "can I **** you?" or "can you suck me?"
So there it goes, what is supposed to be special, turns into another chore._


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## missmim (Dec 29, 2012)

Do you love your husband or has the situation (you being responsible for so much and his procrastination and in-action creating anger and resentment) to where you would leave if you could?

What do you mean by he agrees with your needs not being met?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Actually, no. All the things you think he should know, he doesn't. Just because you said it, even many times, doesn't mean he was listening. So how then to break through that wall? My wife did it by having an affair. I don't recommend that under any circumstance. Filing for divorce would have been as effective in getting my attention, but without the full on betrayal and destruction of trust.

Maybe it could be easier than that. Does he read? Does he know there's valuable information inside books? Michelle Weiner Davis' Divorce Busting was a revelation to me. Books by Brene Brown, John Gottman were good. Love languages and personality types books have helped us see how the other person thinks in a very different way, and have helped with understanding one another better. Even the sex life has been improved, by reading Slow Sex by Nicole Dadone.

But how to elicit the desire for change from him? It has to be more painful to stay the same than to change basically. You are already there, near the end of your rope, and you will not continue indefinitely down the same path. You can coast for a long time on hope, but that will fade, and your marriage will be ripe for a catastrophe.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

AuraH...I'm not sure we can ever get someone who is selfish to see it in themselves.


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## AuraH (Sep 9, 2013)

missmim said:


> Do you love your husband or has the situation (you being responsible for so much and his procrastination and in-action creating anger and resentment) to where you would leave if you could?
> 
> What do you mean by he agrees with your needs not being met?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_I think that our marriage could be saved if at least basic needs are met... if we both commit to do so and most important, keep our word, something he fails to do because whenever we talk he would agree to anything since one of the requirements is to seal the "deal" having sex.
Then he would just act as usual and forget about what he has committed to do.

And yes, he would just ask for sex for himself stating he knows I don't want to do it._


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## AuraH (Sep 9, 2013)

SadandAngry said:


> Actually, no. All the things you think he should know, he doesn't. Just because you said it, even many times, doesn't mean he was listening. So how then to break through that wall? My wife did it by having an affair. I don't recommend that under any circumstance. Filing for divorce would have been as effective in getting my attention, but without the full on betrayal and destruction of trust.
> 
> Maybe it could be easier than that. Does he read? Does he know there's valuable information inside books? Michelle Weiner Davis' Divorce Busting was a revelation to me. Books by Brene Brown, John Gottman were good. Love languages and personality types books have helped us see how the other person thinks in a very different way, and have helped with understanding one another better. Even the sex life has been improved, by reading Slow Sex by Nicole Dadone.
> 
> But how to elicit the desire for change from him? It has to be more painful to stay the same than to change basically. You are already there, near the end of your rope, and you will not continue indefinitely down the same path. You can coast for a long time on hope, but that will fade, and your marriage will be ripe for a catastrophe.



_I would never cheat on him.
But I would love to know more about your experience if you don't mind.
Did you acted this way too?_


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## satrap (Nov 9, 2013)

You have a problem. A big one. In my case, to give something of a contrast, my spouse does a lot for me and the family, and due to the combination of our personalities, etc. I have still cooked up an incredible amount of resentment towards her. Recently, I've been wondering whether it's completely justified or just half justified. My point here is that even in a decent marriage scenario, there can be underlying fissures that wax and wane over the years. What you have is not a decent scenario at all. I know the choices are stark and unpleasant, but that's marriage (and divorce)


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## Gamerrr (Dec 1, 2013)

I get any freely? ask my ''wife'' when was the last time she gave me any freely.how you like a wife that when you go outside she start demaning to stop looking at another women when you are not? every 5 seconds. how you like a wife that trows a fit just because theres women at the place i work how you like a wife that gives alittle warning eeverytime you go to work to behave like im so pervert that i want to screw the world? how you like a wife that checks your cell phone every 5 minutes that when the cell phone rings she comes running to demand to show her whos calling ? and theres more she aint no victim here trust me.


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## Gamerrr (Dec 1, 2013)

how you like a wife that all days whines for every little thing like i hate this city lets move somewhere else (easy to say she doesnt work)whine whine whine is to hot in this city theres too many adult places like its my fault ha!please the only way to get any with this woman its to beg for 5 days straight.this woman is obsessed with controling my everymove that you have no idea trust me its beyond words what she does and im the bad guy sureeeeeeeee cant go to work without the little warning everytime cant go outside without being treat like a pervert cant play a video game because if theres a female character in it even if theres no sex or nudity she trows a fit.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Why does your husband only work 32 hours a week? That's barely full time. How are your finances?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AuraH (Sep 9, 2013)

tennisstar said:


> Why does your husband only work 32 hours a week? That's barely full time. How are your finances?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Barely making it, which is part of the problem. 
Since I can't work because I don't have a green card, he seems to think that I have to take care of everything else, including picking up after him and our now 13 month old.
I posted all about it here some time ago, while trying to reason with him but things got so bad that they closed the thread and he got banned from the forum, we are still dealing with that among our many other problems. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/117802-what-fair.html

There's not an argument in which he doesn't rub in my face that I'm living under his roof, tells me this is his house because he is the one paying the rent, his this and that... he is very possessive with everything and cares too much about material things.
_


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## Gamerrr (Dec 1, 2013)

wow what a superstar haha 32 hours? haha keep watching disney chanel better haha


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## Gamerrr (Dec 1, 2013)

finances are this woman buying crap on ebay all day long those are the finances.


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## AuraH (Sep 9, 2013)

Gamerrr said:


> I get any freely? ask my ''wife'' when was the last time she gave me any freely.how you like a wife that when you go outside she start demaning to stop looking at another women when you are not? every 5 seconds. how you like a wife that trows a fit just because theres women at the place i work how you like a wife that gives alittle warning eeverytime you go to work to behave like im so pervert that i want to screw the world? how you like a wife that checks your cell phone every 5 minutes that when the cell phone rings she comes running to demand to show her whos calling ? and theres more she aint no victim here trust me.


_I thought we agreed to post here to get different point of views that could help us with our issues and you are exaggerating like it is a joke.
You don't get any freely?
I wonder if someone would agree with you and consider fair that you can only help me by taking out the bathroom trash while you demand for frequent sex from me every time you feel like it. And not even that you could follow through, because you got what you wanted while I had to argue with you about the pile of dirty diapers in the bathroom bin and the unbearable stench, while you ignored me for days until you wanted to be intimate again and like a child came to me to tell me that you had taken out the garbage so I had to give you sex.

And I think it is completely fair to be concerned about women since before we got married you agreed to try to get a normal schedule and behind my back specifically asked your boss ONLY TO CALL YOU FOR NIGHT SHIFTS while leaving your wife and kids alone all night because "you feel you work less time that way". And what you promise me? Do you have any idea what it feels that not only you lied and don't care, but that you rather let your woman sleep alone and spend the nights out?

And don't even get me started on how secretive you are while I give you complete access to everything of mine.
Tell me something, are you saying that you can freely search and read all of my family emails and check my cellphone, ask me for access to my Amazon account, eBay and absolutely everything while I have to get your permission to ask a question? To want to know who texted you so I would be informed before your mother about your change of schedule at work like it happened the other time? 

Can you please carefully post your concerns in a proper manner, meaning our biggest issues?

_


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## Gamerrr (Dec 1, 2013)

keep trying to control everything control freak aint gonna happen ever.and your little inverse physcology dont work on me never did bye.


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## Gamerrr (Dec 1, 2013)

biggest issue is i wont summit to your crap that simple.


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## Gamerrr (Dec 1, 2013)

the day i want someone my everymove i hire a cop


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## AuraH (Sep 9, 2013)

Gamerrr said:


> finances are this woman buying crap on ebay all day long those are the finances.


_Really? Are you gonna get all Jerry Springer again? Is that what you are here for? Wasting your time, mine and the people here?
So if I make a purchase I buy crap but not you, right? 
Be thankful is not your money, because you wouldn't spend a dime on me even if I had holes in my underwear while you spend your beloved money in new clothing because you're too "busy" to wash the pile of dirty clothes you've had for one whole year in your closet's floor.

Is this how you are going to get advice out of people?
Would you be a civilized adult for once and step up for this?_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sh!t just got real....


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## AuraH (Sep 9, 2013)

Gamerrr said:


> biggest issue is i wont summit to your crap that simple.


_Is call MARRIAGE, is call RELATIONSHIP, but since you were raised the way you were, MACHISTA, you seem to think you can treat me as your slave and ask everything out of me while I get nothing, right?
Your biggest problem is thinking that sharing like a normal person like every other husbands do with their wives is "submitting"... You have huge issues.

Keep making a fool of yourself, like if it was the first time.

It is simply impossible to try to reason with somebody that can't even show some respect in a simple conversation without being disrespectful, abusive and completely ignorant. 
I ask you nicely to stop acting like a caveman already._


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

sounds like you two have serious issues and your husband is a disrespectful jerk. I think talk of separation or divorce is in order. He sounds immature and lazy and that won't likely change. 

And gamer, 32 hours a week is sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AuraH (Sep 9, 2013)

tennisstar said:


> sounds like you two have serious issues and your husband is a disrespectful jerk. I think talk of separation or divorce is in order. He sounds immature and lazy and that won't likely change.
> 
> And gamer, 32 hours a week is sad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



_I'll tell you what is sad. That my husband deliberately chooses to be unhappy which of course, makes us all miserable... and why? Because he is so "MACHO" (don't really know the english term) that he is incapable of dealing with not only the many issues that this marriage has, but the many issues he himself has as you and everyone could notice.
I haven't been able to get a normal response from him EVER! 
He acts like a child and won't admit it, he has a problem with anger, he can't control himself while we have the smallest disagreement and he always has to be right and won't ever admit when he is wrong. 
Everything he does wrong, he would try to generalize or normalize it, like the dirty way he reacts when having an argument, with yelling, and insults, and threats that makes you think he enjoys cursing and nasty behavior. ("All couples fight").
Or him being so incredibly messy. ("All men are messy").
Or his lack of communication skills. ("Men don't talk").
And so on..._


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## AuraH (Sep 9, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> AuraH...I'm not sure we can ever get someone who is selfish to see it in themselves.


_You are so right.
But the only thing I have left to do is try._


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## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

This relationship is not healthy for either of you or your children. 
Have you two done anything to better your relationship? Or has this been something ignored again until now?
AuraH, you are also choosing to be miserable by staying in this relationship. I don't mean to be mean at all, but there gets to be a point that you have to do something about it. 
Gamerrr, you seem to act entitled and that you are doing your family this huge favor by working 32 hours a week. Get a second job, support your family, become a better person.


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## AuraH (Sep 9, 2013)

Gamerrr said:


> the day i want someone my everymove i hire a cop


_Why don't you hire the one that came over last year because of that huge argument we had? Remember? Just days after the baby was born and even though I had a C section, I got home and started taking care of everything right out of the hospital without any rest and no help from you whatsoever? _


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## AuraH (Sep 9, 2013)

H30 said:


> This relationship is not healthy for either of you or your children.
> Have you two done anything to better your relationship? Or has this been something ignored again until now?
> AuraH, you are also choosing to be miserable by staying in this relationship. I don't mean to be mean at all, but there gets to be a point that you have to do something about it.
> Gamerrr, you seem to act entitled and that you are doing your family this huge favor by working 32 hours a week. Get a second job, support your family, become a better person.


_I have, but he is not interested or pretends not to be, because that would make him less of a man... 
I am the one doing the talking, trying to work things out.
I suggested going to talk to a Pastor that was willing to do it, but he refused.

You are right. I am choosing to be miserable, but my actual situation won't allow me to do much more.
I don't know anyone and I can't work because I don't have a green card. We got married and we have to file while we are married and that is the only way to do it... that or file for VAWA, that too could get me the green card, but lucky for him I am not that kind of person and I chose to still try to work things out, I always have.
He assures me that he loves me, but he treats me this way and avoids sharing with me, talking and behaving like normal married couples because he calls it "submitting" to me.
He doesn't understand his role as a husband and constantly compares to me or acts competitive or like if he was envious, saying totally ignorant things like I shouldn't expect more just because I am a woman. Or why should he carry more bags only because he is a man... I can't believe it, I have never seen something like this.

But the point is that we have so many issues to resolve which is impossible to do while he won't admit his wrongdoing.

For example, EVERYONE here has agreed with me that he is acting disrespectful, and even called him a jerk, and he will ignore it and act as if he doesn't care and will keep doing it because he wants me to believe THIS IS NORMAL WHEN HAVING A FIGHT.
So instead of realizing this and calm down to try to have a reasonable conversation here, he probably will go on and on with the "I won't submit to you" stupidity or bring whatever other thing to be disrespectful about it, like a child._


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Why is it that you are married gamerr? If it is so horrible to be with your wife, why are you there?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

AuraH said:


> Do you think is reasonable to ask him to cooperate a little with the house chores and our 13 months old even though I'm a stay at home mother and he works 32 hours per week?
> I don't mean cook or even do the dishes (he has never done it), but at least take out the trash, pick up after himself, take care of the baby while I clean or cook and those small things.
> 
> Is it reasonable to ask him for family time, eat at the table instead in front of the computer and be more productive some of his free time, instead of spending all of it in the pc or the ps3?
> ...


All of your requests are reasonable. Have you asked him to do these things and if so, what is his reply? Does he know how to, or does he want to try to be a father and husband, or do your feel he is truly stuck in his own world and meeting his own needs? If you have been here for any length of time you will see that your feelings and your desires are very common. You will also see that your husband's desires and what he does with his time is very common among men as this is much of what the ladies on here complain about.

Again, I don't mean to step on any toes here....I have seen some wonderfully involved dads and husbands but I have seen alot of just the opposite too, my husband is one of them. With time with the lack of involvement, the lack of engagement, the lack of support and lack of pleasure spent with one another the marriage becomes nothing more than us ladies in a position as care giver and we never get the enjoy the companionship of our husbands for more than a roommate. This really is no way to live so if you can some how make sense with your husband and help him see how important it is for him to be a part it is best for you both. Otherwise, it is too easy for you to start building walls around you to protect you from further hurt.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

AuraH said:


> _
> You are right. I am choosing to be miserable, but my actual situation won't allow me to do much more.
> I don't know anyone and I can't work because I don't have a green card.
> 
> ...


Don't tell yourself that you are choosing to be miserable. I read from your post and replies that you are trying very hard. Your thought process is logical. Don't let his issues lead you to believe that your thoughts and tries aren't good, they are. 

If he is unwilling it leaves you with little choice, a choice I have had to make and this is sad because it makes the marriage dissolve. You have to stop thinking of him, wanting anything different from him, expecting anything from him (that is if he truly is unwilling), and you have to start thinking about you, what you want and you need to find a way to make yourself independent. Yes, you can get a green card. Take those steps. Don't be your husband's servant, don't wait on him hand and foot. Start making a life for yourself. If you don't want to cook, don't cook. You see what I'm saying? Think of you.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Gamer. She WILL leave you if you don't shape up. Do you want that? She's more than half way out the door now. Maybe more. Here's what you have to worry about bud. When she STOPS nagging you . Because then you know she's gone. Good luck when that happens. It's been 4 years for me (since I found out about it anyhow). 4 Years of hell living with a woman that doesn't love me any more. 

And OP. There are two sides to every story and we got a little from your prize of a husband. You take the first step: tell him you will get over the hyper jealousy and slow down on the nagging if he will work with you on his issues. 

Gamerrr. She WILL leave you. She may not leave the house and family, but she will leave you emotionally. Like my wife. I WISH she left me physically. My life would have crashed and burned, but I'd be with someone who loves me now. I don't think your wife has the balls to physically leave. And trust me: going to bed beside a woman who hates me (but I STILL love to this day) is the worst punishment I could have EVER received for my "crimes". I think it's already too late for you. But it looks like she's giving you a chance. Take it.


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## Gamerrr (Dec 1, 2013)

it is horrible being with this woman you cant even go take a dump when this woman start knocking on the door just because i have my cell phone in my pocket can you believe that sh1t? please this woman askinng for things when she doesnt even give me my human right of peace of mind. fidel castro has nothing on this woman enough said.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

So why are you there? Answer the question.


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## Gamerrr (Dec 1, 2013)

she wants to force things and make me pay if i dont cooperate.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

That's not an answer to the questions. Why are you married? What should a marriage be like? Are you satisfied with things as they are?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Don't type a word about your wife, I'm not asking about her. I'm asking you, what do you think?


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## Gamerrr (Dec 1, 2013)

because i care about her and i thought things would change afterwards but no.things just got worse. she only cares about her needs what she wants, how she think things should be, i should be, she doesnt care about my needs or anything i do cant even say 1 good thing about me ask her...and as i said before the most important thing i need is peace of mind not sex.


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## AuraH (Sep 9, 2013)

SadandAngry said:


> So why are you there? Answer the question.


_I think he was traumatized in some way in his childhood or they teached him wrongly because he has various issues, but mostly he would have a defensive attitude towards everything and everyone. He is very secretive with his life and his things. He doesn't like to share anything, objects, feelings, thoughts. 
He is territorial and loves pointing out that this is his house, his car, his computer, etc.
When in an argument the first thing he would do is play mean villain and say he doesn't give a dam, he doesn't care, he doesn't want me, and everything to demonstrate that he doesn't need me or anybody.
He claims that he doesn't need or cares for me cleaning or cooking or nothing, what I do is worthless while any insignificant thing he would do he needs to be praised for.
Don't have, don't care, don't need...
He finds comfort in hurting and belittling me by saying he doesn't want me, that he is sick of me, and all sorts of "macho behavior" he displays to demand respect (according to him) making a fool of himself because at the end I just have to open my legs and he will give in.
He is very homophobic and seems to feel less of a man if I expect him to do chores. He has NEVER ever cleaned or cook, not even bathe our 13 months old, because since he pays the rent, it will be abusive of me to expect help from him.
I want him to submit to me, I want to order him around, I want to control him and he will never ever let me, etc. _


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## Gamerrr (Dec 1, 2013)

point proven.


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## Gamerrr (Dec 1, 2013)

keep disrepecting me woman keep forcing sh1t ha poor little wife


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## Gamerrr (Dec 1, 2013)

this woman thinks becasue she cooks she deserves the univirse hahahahahahahaha please if i wanted someone to cook for me i hire a maid


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## AuraH (Sep 9, 2013)

Gamerrr said:


> point proven.


_
How so?
Somebody wants to know what are your thoughts, and how you expect our marriage to be, please speak up and say what you think about helping out a little in the house and spending less time playing and such_


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## Gamerrr (Dec 1, 2013)

idont want sh1t with you thats the problem idont sh1t with someone that would talk about me like that get in your dam head IS OVER


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## AuraH (Sep 9, 2013)

Gamerrr said:


> this woman thinks becasue she cooks she deserves the univirse hahahahahahahaha please if i wanted someone to cook for me i hire a maid


_
More like a slave, since you expect me to do absolutely everything including the baby and picking up after you. And don't forget putting up with your mother's rude commentaries and lack of manners while you hide from her._


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## AuraH (Sep 9, 2013)

Gamerrr said:


> idont want sh1t with you thats the problem idont sh1t with someone that would talk about me like that get in your dam head IS OVER


_
I talk to you like that? Really?
And there we go, same old same old._


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## Gamerrr (Dec 1, 2013)

Is over say what u will.nothing gonna change that fact dear talk more about my mopther please?


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## Gamerrr (Dec 1, 2013)

is over norah.


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## AuraH (Sep 9, 2013)

Gamerrr said:


> is over.


_Get a pair_


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

AuraH said:


> _I don't know anyone and I can't work because I don't have a green card. We got married and we have to file while we are married and that is the only way to do it... _


If you have been in the US for more than 13 months (since your baby was born), you should already have filed for family-based permanent residence and would have been eligible for an EAD (work permit)...if your husband is a US citizen.


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## AuraH (Sep 9, 2013)

Steve1000 said:


> If you have been in the US for more than 13 months (since your baby was born), you should already have filed for family-based permanent residence and would have been eligible for an EAD (work permit)...if your husband is a US citizen.


_This is true, but do to finance issues we haven't been able to do so.
I also have to file for my daughter.
Ever since I got here things have been down hill._


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Ok, there's an answer to one question. You are there, because deep down, you say you care for Aura. Focus now, there were other questions. What do you think a marriage should be, in general, for both people? Are you satisfied with your marriage as it is? How do you feel about the current state of your marriage. Again, please stick to the questions, I'm not interested yet in your rants about who's fault it is, and the horrible things you put up with specifically. And Aura, I'm asking gamerr, not you, please don't answer for him. You both need to chill the hell out a bit. I know married life is stressful, and you both seem fed up, but you choose how to react, so relax a little bit, ok?


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## Gamerrr (Dec 1, 2013)

sure as hell not everything shes saying about me. not the way she treats me. 50/50 i work and help with some things and she cooks and wash dishes. take care of our son mostly because right now he needs more of her than me.i help in the house just because i not a clean freak like shes is then i dont and im dirty.she likes to control everylittle detail while i dont do that and i dont like that because i dont do it im not that way.a marriage should be like heaven but this aint no heaven.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Marriage is a give and take relationship. Clearly neither of you understand that. Both of you seem pretty entrenched in your views with neither one wanting to show "weakness" and give in a little.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense, but you two aren't solving anything by airing your dirty laundry in here. If you actually want to fix things, find a local counselor. If money is an issue, there are places that offer sliding fees, or community services. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AuraH (Sep 9, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Marriage is a give and take relationship. Clearly neither of you understand that. Both of you seem pretty entrenched in your views with neither one wanting to show "weakness" and give in a little.


_What is "weakness"?
I'm the one trying to talk things out while he is busy being cynical, insulting and belittling.
Do you know how it is trying to reason with somebody that acts like a cave man yelling, cursing, spitting on the carpet while you talk?
Deliberately not paying attention by not even taking away his eyes out of the computer or setting the ps3 controller aside?
I sit by his side and he would lean the other way and act like an idiot telling me not to come close to him or touch him!
Since we never get anywhere talking, we decided to come here to neutral ground and he still doesn't cooperate.
He doesn't want to talk to a Pastor and whenever somebody would take my side in any way, he would say that is because is a woman, or because is a man slaved to another woman like me, and so on..._


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## AuraH (Sep 9, 2013)

PBear said:


> No offense, but you two aren't solving anything by airing your dirty laundry in here. If you actually want to fix things, find a local counselor. If money is an issue, there are places that offer sliding fees, or community services.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_I DO want to fix thing, I am the only one stating it, but sadly, money is a huge issue here and even if it wasn't, I really don't think he would go.
The one free person I found, which was a Pastor, he didn't want to go either.
He agreed to talk here in an adult manner, but he has been avoiding it too._


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## AuraH (Sep 9, 2013)

SadandAngry said:


> Ok, there's an answer to one question. You are there, because deep down, you say you care for Aura. Focus now, there were other questions. What do you think a marriage should be, in general, for both people? Are you satisfied with your marriage as it is? How do you feel about the current state of your marriage. Again, please stick to the questions, I'm not interested yet in your rants about who's fault it is, and the horrible things you put up with specifically. And Aura, I'm asking gamerr, not you, please don't answer for him. You both need to chill the hell out a bit. I know married life is stressful, and you both seem fed up, but you choose how to react, so relax a little bit, ok?


_I am sorry, I was multitasking and didn't get to see he had responded to you. I didn't mean to answer for him like it seemed. 
I am just too frustrated, I swear I am totally desperate here trying to get something out of this! I am constantly humiliated while trying to get him to understand things he doesn't want to see and while at it, he behaves like a jerk yelling me he despises me, he doesn't care about me and asking me to leave his house._




Gamerrr said:


> sure as hell not everything shes saying about me. not the way she treats me. 50/50 i work and help with some things and she cooks and wash dishes. take care of our son mostly because right now he needs more of her than me.i help in the house just because i not a clean freak like shes is then i dont and im dirty.she likes to control everylittle detail while i dont do that and i dont like that because i dont do it im not that way.a marriage should be like heaven but this aint no heaven.


_Ok, so not everything is how I say it. Then you say it, please.
Our son is 13 months, he is not a newborn and even if he was, plenty of fathers change diapers, bathe and feed their babies.
They also carry them without complaining they are too heavy and don't expect that the mother should do it the whole trip. Only you feel the weight?
Also, please be more detailed about the things you say you help me with while I just cook and do the dishes, because the other things are taken care by the Cleaning Fairy, I asume.
Asking you to take care (as you said you would) of the pile of dirty smelling clothes you've had in your closet for a whole year makes me a clean freak?
Littering the front seat and foot space on the car and me having to sit in the back ever since our son was born and me asking you to take care of it makes me a clean freak?
Never ever cleaning or washing the car and me wanting you to do it, makes me a clean freak?

I would like for people to tell me after how many days you should take out the bathroom trash. (Poop diapers, pooped toilet paper).
Is it too much to keep the doors from the closet closed? (Specially if there is a foul smell from 1 year dirty clothes coming from it?).
How much time does a regular person need to pick up something they dropped? (Paper, food).

I will stop here. Just a couple of sample questions._


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

AuraH, How long did you two know each other before getting married? Did you live near each other or was it mostly a long-distance relationship?


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## AuraH (Sep 9, 2013)

Steve1000 said:


> AuraH, How long did you two know each other before getting married? Did you live near each other or was it mostly a long-distance relationship?


_We met online in 2007 and in person in 2008. 
It was a long distance relationship. 
I came to the US to get married on 09/11._


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

AuraH said:


> _We met online in 2007 and in person in 2008.
> It was a long distance relationship.
> I came to the US to get married on 09/11._


I am guessing that you came on a K-1 Visa and therefore had to get married within 90 days. Before that, did you only meet one time in person for a couple of weeks?


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Get rid of this POS as soon as you can manage it and build the life you deserve. He will not change, he doesn't know how to treat a human being let alone a woman.


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## AuraH (Sep 9, 2013)

Steve1000 said:


> I am guessing that you came on a K-1 Visa and therefore had to get married within 90 days. Before that, did you only meet one time in person for a couple of weeks?



_I did come on a K1 Visa, but we meet various times in between before I came here and spent time together. 
We had plenty of issues but at least back then he would admit his wrongdoing and apologize. 
I really thought that a lot of our problems were because he was insecure and because of the distance, being apart and jealousy and that as he promised everything would change when we finally got to be together, but on the contrary... everything has gotten incredibly worse and all he does is justify his behavior. He has gone backward, he has gone from being rude to being ignorant to acting like a caveman and soon he will act like an animal out of instinct...
It sounds horribly offensive, but I don't know how else to put it.
He just enjoys being alone in front of the computer or the PS3. He doesn't have any meal at the table with me anymore. Eats right there. He mainly just moves from the bed to the computer chair and to the couch for playing and back to the computer and so on. Bathroom and the bed to sleep.
He can't control himself even if my daughter is here or if we are in a public place, he would make a scene and throw a tantrum wherever and say whatever.
He passes gas like he is alone in the apartment, burps, doesn't use a fork to eat but leans the plate to his mouth... and so on and he doesn't seem to care about how I feel about his lack of manners or control._


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## AuraH (Sep 9, 2013)

Horizon said:


> Get rid of this POS as soon as you can manage it and build the life you deserve. He will not change, he doesn't know how to treat a human being let alone a woman.



_The sad thing is that he can't even see it.
I don't if is a childhood thing, if the saw this behavior and think of it as normal, if it is out of stupidity or what, but he really seems to think that the way he behaves or expresses himself is normal.
"Couples fight all the time".
His lack of boundaries and empathy are impressive, he doesn't know when or how to stop and a small disagreement turns into the nastiest thing you can image because he can't control his anger and would try to just hurt, humiliate and get things to the next level in merely seconds. 
He cannot tolerate constructive criticism (if the term is correct).
He would never open up and have a heart to heart conversation, like if it will make him weak or less of a man to do so.
I am his wife... I have stay in a situation that other would have run from and still he doesn't see me as a part of him and the only intimate thing I get from him is sex._


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