# Anger and Sex



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

OK it has been about 9 weeks since D day and I discovered that my wife was having an EA that turned into a PA that lasted about 6 months.

I am seeing a marriage and family therapist. My wife has done everything I have asked. We have done a no contact letter and we have been talking and working on things. I have been checking the phone records, cell records, car mileage the works. For the most part she is trying hard to fix things. Sometimes she wants to jump ahead and talk about her issues with me but we are still working through what happened. She does take the blame

My anger is subsiding in that I am not walking around 24 hours a day ready to break something or someone but I am still having trouble with not thinking about my wife with another man it comes up based on some triggers, like her cell phone just seeing her on the phone, me driving by a hotel and so forth. I vacillate from being repulsed by the thought of sex with my wife or even her touch to the other extreme and I feel this strong passion. I assume the passion is to prove to myself I am the dominate male and to mark my territory. I know that sound pretty primal. Is this normal will it get any better? Is there anything else I can do?

I know I love my wife and I know I want to stay with her but if this is going to be this way forever I am not sure I could deal with it.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

You're definitely in the anger stage. How long it lasts will depend on you and mostly your WW, since she has to do the heavy lifting. As long as she continues to be remorseful, comforts you through your triggers, is completely transparent, is accountable for her whereabouts, you will begin to heal. The hypervigiliance will begin to fade IF you don't find anything. 

The thing is, you're ONLY just over two months out from DDay. It takes *on average 2-5 years to heal from the betrayal*, and that's with both partners working hard at it.

Sorry to say, it's a long ride yet on the emotional roller coaster. There is no quick fix or pill that you can take to make it magically go away. 

R is difficult at the best of times. Are you up for it?


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

mhike,

hang in there...it sounds like your WW and you are doing things the right way. Your anger will begin to get less and less. Try and stay positive.

It's not going to be this hard forever...each day you are working together as a team is one day closer to full recovery.

God Bless


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I agree with Lord Mayhem and want to add some things.

First off, I commend you on trying to save your marriage, as you have been through a hell even worse than mine (my W didn't get physical with the OM, just emotional).

We are 4 1/2 months past DDay. I still check her email and cell phone call logs almost every day. In the beginning when I checked I was bracing myself and totally emotional. Now it's just business and it takes 30 seconds. So you may be checking up on her actions for a very long time, but it will feel more like checking your bank balance, or your voice mail. It becomes routine and not painful, provided there is nothing fishy. Just don't get caught up in every little thing. Double check the no-contact, but don't question everything you see. You will go nuts.

For awhile there I was checking every # I didn't recognize on the cell phone logs. It was exhausting. After awhile, I stopped that and just checked for the OM's #, let the others alone. Same with email. Don't go reading everything - just make sure no emails to/from the OM, then log out. Reduce your time and energy looking.

Regarding the sex part. I had the exact same thing. In the beginning, knowing my W was in love with another man, I just wanted to throw her out of the house. But then we went through this intense phase of sex. I mean, it was like 9 nights in a row, which is a LOT for us (usually 1-2 nights a week). I can relate to that, but since your W went physical with the OM, I can't intelligently comment on that part for you. Only you can decide what to do. Did you and your wife get tested for STDs? Was her sex with the OM protected? That would be my first order of business. If unprotected, she endangered your health by then having sex with you also.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

She told me it was protected and I went out a couple of days later and had myself checked.

The sex has been average. I am not sure what is going through her head before during or after sex but after we have sex I lay awake for the next several hours, images of her and him, was he better, is she enjoying our sex or faking something and then back to images of him and her.

This morning on the way to work I drove past two hotels from the same chain I know the stayed at. I went nuts and since I am writing this you know it has not passed.

I was told to write a letter to him and bring it to therapy. Boy did my emotions go all over the place.

Any women out there that might want to give me insite to what my wife maybe thinking?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

You probably won't want to hear this but I could never get over the physical part. Some say emotional is even worse, and when it comes to ending the affair, I think emotional ones are tougher. But at least in that case you can revert to the bedroom and know it's just the two of you in there. No mind movies.

I pray for your situation. You should really think about how you want to proceed. If you are certain you want to at least try to stay married, my advice would be to tell your W that these images are killing you, and that while you want to work things out, it will take a long time to get over what she did, if ever.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

We have talked about these mental images and she knows it is in part to graphic text messages that I read.

I really wish I could understand what she is thinking before, during or after sex.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

mahike said:


> I really wish I could understand what she is thinking before, during or after sex.


ask her


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

One thing I've learned is NONE of the emotions you're experiencing now are going to be forever... such a rollercoaster, it's crazy. 

I went through a similar stage at about the same time out from DDay, you can read up here about this 'hysterical bonding' (yes it is very primal). 

You might not want to hear it, but this was then followed up by a long period (about a month) of not wanting to be with her sexually at all... I wouldn't describe it as repulsed, but more like a distant avoidance of any encounters, because I knew the triggers to follow (or even *during* the act) are really painful - so painful that it's a questionable proposition whether the sex was _worth it_... Ick.

Like the advice here says, _communicate_... tell her what you're feeling and experiencing; let her help you work through it all. I didn't and I think it was a big mistake.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> ask her


This is one area for 29 years she will not discuss. It has been a problem since day one of our marriage. I did ask her and her response is I am wondering what you are thinking. Which I told her.

Is she enjoying our sex, was it better with him and so on which she responded like you would expect.

Of course it is great with you. No the sex with him was very straight forward and it was just OK. 

I am sure she is not telling me everything that is going on in her head and I am sure even if the sex with him was the best ever she would not be honest with me.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

mahike said:


> This is one area for 29 years she will not discuss. It has been a problem since day one of our marriage. I did ask her and her response is I am wondering what you are thinking. Which I told her.
> 
> Is she enjoying our sex, was it better with him and so on which she responded like you would expect.
> 
> ...



well you are going to have to break the cold hard truth to her

your sex life is very important to you and how she feels and what she wants or likes MUST be communicated for you to bond and have better sex

you also have to start getting nothing but truth from her- even if that truth may hurt. You can't bury your head in the sand about problems. Not all problems can be solved either but you can't try unless you know what the problem is.


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## Ithamar (Sep 23, 2011)

Big Boy, Mahike

It happened to me as well. Above all, it wrecked not only my emotions but my physical health. My body broke down and gave in to a very serious illness but all through I prayed I didn't go mental. Could have happened. After 3 months sharing the same bed and sleeping - or was I? - through the nights staring up the ceiling followed by another four and a half years living in the same house but, this time, in separate rooms, I threw in the towel.

The problem was, each of us wanted the other to begin the D process. I couldn't take it anymore as we both faked a perfect relation in church and with peers and friends.

It hurt a lot and the imaginations of what they did was the killer inside me. How I got over it, only heavens knows. Good enough for me, she confessed it was the first time they did it. Good for me because immediately, we ended sexual contacts. I could not imagine myself in there where some crook had been.

I knew immediately she came back home at 10pm and all nervous, fidgeting like never before and talking to me as though digging out a conversation that something happened. And when bed time came, I followed upstairs and asked her point blank if they were having sex. It was so abrupt a question that she didn't prepare a lie for and since I was staring right into her eyes, she had no choice and time to formulate any get-out response but to accept. And the response was "It just happened".

I went over it and I can tell you in all honesty, "Get Out" of your marriage immediately.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

M-
Me and Mrs. the-guy have spent alot of time talking about this exact same thing.
This is just my opinion and I'm am not putting word into your wifes mounth, she should be doing this, but here it goes

My wife tells me;
I was was never ever in my wifes thought until after the sex. It all starts out how wonderful it feels to be out and having a good time and when the kissing starts it feels good. 
Its a very selfish act and the only thing in a cheating spouse mind is how good *she* feels and what *she* is getting. It is all about what the cheater is getting. It has nothing at all to do with you. The cell is off and the night is all hers with no regard for reality.

The sex is good or bad at that point there is no turning back, they have put them selves in the back seat of some car or in some hotel room and now feel there is no way out, there are into deep. A choice they make for them selve, it easier then pushing some guy off and running away. its there fualt for letting it get this far so they just go with it.

Then the sex is over, end of the night if you will, in my case the next morning comes around. Then the thoughts of reality come in to play and some feelings of guilt come in to play but as the cheating spouse solbers up, its more about covering the track and coming up with a believable story and the hurt they have caused is no were near as important as the effort to not get caught. More selfish behavior,see?

Yes there is this "walk of shame" as the WW head out of the motel door or through some strangers living room infront of roommates, and that again is another selfish behavior. The "walk of shame" that revolves around *them selves* and how they are looked at the next morning. 

All these feeling the WW has, her attempt to cover up her lies, her perception other have of her as she walk out a motel door. Its all about her the WW, it has nothing to do with you, you are the furthest thing from her mind b/c she is only thinking about herself. 

Yes there is a small part or guilt but its washed away by what she will tell you in order not to get caught.

There my be a little voice in the back of her head that tells her that she should stop as she drives home or while she searches for her car the next morning.

But then the cicle start all over again with the selfish behavior of how good it is to be out having fun all the way down to several hours later to how they will cover all this up.

See you aren't even thought off once until it all over and she has found her car.

I have also talked about the deals when OM and the night is over and her reality of her real life when its out in the light of day.

Well in my wifes case she just blocked it out of her mind, erased it from her mind until night fall. Your WW like mine are great at compartimantelize there lives. (tough word I hope you get it).

As far as the sex act goes I have seen enough porno to know what goes on, but there is a few details I got and the one that caught me was the the style of OM versus my style. I'm rough , my wife didn't go down that road with the OM. she got enough of the hair pulling and butt spanking from me, her deal was soft and slow.

Yes we talked about protection, were most of it took place and even sizes. it all been address talked about and readressed several time. Right now 20 month later its not so much the details as much as it just happened the act of infidelity in general is a painin the but.

My wife has finaly realized why I wanted to know so much of the details. She now enjoys the time I take and the tenderness I *sometimes* show when we f~ck. I still can use some work on how to make love but I find it hard, it seems i keep reverting back to my old habits of taking a "rough ride" if you know what I mean.

But with the information I gathered from my wife I have also found what turnes her on. So I'll continue to meet her needs as she continues to meet mine.

Grnated my veiw on sex is different then most, but what I hope you get out of this is the simple fact that you had nothing to do with your W choices. You where never in her thoughts as she only though about her self and what made her happy IMHO. 

I do how ever get triggers and I find that I will not let my WW choices define who I am and how I behave, I diserve good things from here on out. I will not let this negitive b~llsh~t bring me down. I have to much going right now to let this beat me.


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