# H hobby = no sex



## SierraRenee (Sep 8, 2014)

My husbands hobby makes him exhausted and not in the mood. He gets up at 3:30 am and comes home at 6:00 pm. He goes two days a week and Saturday and Sunday. We have only been intimate on Monday and Friday nights. I don't want to be a b**** and nag him about it, but I really want him more than 2 nights a week. I told him I wanted sex more than that but he's too exhausted to try when he gets home. Any suggestions please.


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## BucksBunny (Jan 6, 2015)

Edit


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## SierraRenee (Sep 8, 2014)

Bunny he is tired when he comes in the door. Wish we could have some fun before he passes out.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

So does that mean he is gone 4 days per week including all weekend?

Bigger issues than no sex, you have limited quality time together. Sounds like his hobby is more important than his relationship.


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## SierraRenee (Sep 8, 2014)

2 days per week and the weekend. The season is from December to February. In April it will be bass tournaments until September.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

You're going to have to tell him what you told us here.

What about the non-hobby days? Sex on *all three* of those days. Maybe 2x on one of those days?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Bass fishing or taking care of and intimacy with your wife?

Hmmmmm...........?

Sorry buddy, get your prioities straight! Snap out of it!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do the two of you spend anytime together other than having sex twice a week? If so, what do you two do together?


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## BucksBunny (Jan 6, 2015)

SierraRenee said:


> 2 days per week and the weekend. The season is from December to February. In April it will be bass tournaments until September.


Thank you Sierra for coming back and clarifying points, hope you do same for others and you see more information people get more they will try and help. Your talking fishing are you not? Was wondering what hobby took those hours wondered about breeding horses or some live stock or some thing? 

As I said all for a hobby and general a good thing. Was going to suggest if it was a session thing well owes you a lot off “date nights” in off session but he don’t have one to speak of. No b**** but pout and love of my live I am a major hobby to you as well remember me type talk. Again sure do your thing but you got home fire to keep burning as well here?

Other angles given worth running through your head:

Is this hobby new?

Does this fit with his personality, like you know he gets right into a thing and won’t put it down type person?

Is he into sport like a must be a winner type of guy?

Just some questions I would be running in my head.

Hope it works out.


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## marriedandlonely (Nov 7, 2011)

SierraRenee said:


> 2 days per week and the weekend. The season is from December to February. In April it will be bass tournaments until September.


On the water or land based maybe its time to rock his" boat" whilst bass fishing see if your lures are as good as his


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

It sounds like he's treating his marriage as a hobby while fishing is his full time life.

He is an absentee husband, and is choosing to be. Do you have children? If not, please don't, because you'll be a single mother to his absentee father.

Why does he need to go fishing 4 times a week to the point of exhaustion? Can one get addicted to fishing? 

I would tell him he needs to pick ONE season, not every fishing season throughout the year. Or he can cut down to 1 or 2 days a week for fishing. Or he can get a divorce and fish all the time. His call.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

I feel for you Sierra and this subject really gets to me. Women like yourself are willing to do about anything, from sleeping or prancing around nude and they are more concerned with their hobbies? I've read similar posts of men that push their "hot" naked wives off of them because they're in the middle of a video game or TV show, are you kidding me? I think all of the sex deprived guys on here would love to shake some sense into him.
I also agree with norajane, he needs to pick hobby or marriage, but since he already has picked, I guess you already have your answer.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

SierraRenee said:


> My husbands hobby makes him exhausted and not in the mood. He gets up at 3:30 am and comes home at 6:00 pm. He goes two days a week and Saturday and Sunday. We have only been intimate on Monday and Friday nights. I don't want to be a b**** and nag him about it, but I really want him more than 2 nights a week. I told him I wanted sex more than that but he's too exhausted to try when he gets home. Any suggestions please.


Suggestions? Less talking, more action. Figure out your boundaries, and start enforcing them. Get into counseling for yourself to figure out why you're willing to be treated this way.

Having said that... For lots of married couples, sex twice a week would be rocking. How old are you two? How long have you been married? Do both (or either) of you work? Was he like this throughout your marriage and dating?

C


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## seattle_stranger (Nov 4, 2014)

People, people, people, jeez!!!!! Back off him!! OP: You and your husband are just fine. Communicate with him, that's all. Very simple. Tell him how you feel, don't get upset with him, be understanding to what he tells you, and live happily ever after. Over-analyze, and you both will suffer. It doesn't sound like this has been going on for years, it sounds rather recent, so I highly recommend not obsessing about this. Men need to focus to get things done, and if he's trying to accomplish something *whether or not you understand why it's important to him*, just support him, he will draw closer to you for it. For example, I'm a musician, I write music and I play in serious bands on stage. This requires a lot of time to be dedicated sometimes, and I can tell sometimes my woman doesn't understand why I feel the need to pour so much of myself into something, but instead of resisting or questioning, she supports me. As a result, I feel blessed to have her in my life and I feel insanely compelled to make love to her. If she complained, questioned me, made demands and "set boundaries and enforced them", she'd have a far bigger problem on her hands and you bet I would resent her for it. This is a two way street, as she gets the same kind of understanding, support and courtesy from me. Why? Because we have mutual trust.

I cannot stand how when anyone posts a question on this forum as to why their partner seems to be desiring less sex lately, the responses they get are basically "OMG IT'S ALL OVER GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN!!!!". Can you understand how discouraging and depressing these kind of responses can be to a person honestly looking for help? How can you just assume that "he values his hobbies more than his relationship" when you don't even know the guy? Is everything in your relationship able to be plugged into some mathematical formula to judge the current status of it? Things in life aren't ever that black-and-white. I think it's sick and insulting how so many women seem to think all men are sex-crazed animals, all the time, and if a man DOESN'T want sex, then something must be severely wrong with him, he needs to get help, should be checked out, locked up, etc.. Funny, because the same assumptions apply when a man wants "too much" sex as well. A man wants more than sex than you agree with, then he's a dog, a pervert, and potential rapist. If he doesn't want as much sex as you agree with, then he's off his rocker, probably is gay and/or is hiding something and should be in a straight jacket. That's an extremely unfair, ignorant, sexist, generalized...and quite frankly, a very sad prejudiced assumption against men, which simply screams "I am insecure" and not much else.

Everyone, men AND women go through changes everyday, we fluctuate, we evolve, nothing ever stays perfectly consistent. Just because someone used to want sex 3x a day and now they're down to 1x a week doesn't mean something is wrong, they're having an affair, you are ugly and fat, the marriage is over, divorce is nigh, they'll never want to have sex again, etc.. I know personally, I go in and out of phases where I want sex like crazy, and then other times where I will be rather uninterested, and I know my lady goes through similar fluctuations. It is insanely foolish for anyone to ever assume that someone is going to stay consistently physically attracted to and aroused by you on a daily basis for years and years and years.

Please folks, be a little more gentle when addressing an "issue" in someone's marriage. You wouldn't want people just assuming the worst right off the bat about your relationship.

*zips up flame-retardant suit*

Here it comes. I'm ready for ya. Flame away, ladies.


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## SierraRenee (Sep 8, 2014)

Thanks for all the replies, hopefully I answer all your questions. 

Here's a little more info......he's 49 and I am 50. We have been married almost 20 years. We have 2 kids at home, 22 and 17. 

His hobby now is duck hunting and he's done this about 4 years. He has a lot of vacation days, so he can take off work two days a week. When fishing season starts he normally has a tournament on the weekend and sometimes during the week. He sometimes goes turkey and deer hunting.

We always do something together on Friday nights like dinner or visiting friends. 

During the summer he sometimes will go to our lake camper and we go on the pontoon. I usually go to the lake with family and friends if he has a tournament and that's fine with me. 

I have a full time job and I work out about 5 times a week so that keeps me busy. 

When I work out I'm never too tired for him. He's about 50 lbs overweight so his hobby makes him really tired and wants to just relax and get to sleep when he gets home. 

Before we married he played softball, was in Jaycees, bowled 4 nights a week and went deer hunting. 

When the kids were young, we have 3, he just went deer hunting occasionally.

He bowls on Thursday nights, I used to bowl with him but my favorite workout class is on Thursday nights so I didn't bowl this year in the league.

I love him very much and I feel we have a pretty good relationship except for him being too tired and I'm ready to have some fun with him.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

No flaming. Yours is a very valid point of view. on the other hand you are adament about cutting this guy slack. But all we can go on is the facts we are given, not the facts we might suppose. Without his point of view, we can only go on what she says. And based on what she says, this is this guys hobby, not his career. As important and meaningful as it might be, sounds like she is being treated like second fiddle. Your situation actually doesn't sound that comparable.


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## seattle_stranger (Nov 4, 2014)

SierraRenee said:


> Thanks for all the replies, hopefully I answer all your questions.


SierraRenee: How much of this have you communicated to him? From what you have explained, it simply sounds like he's doing what makes him happy and he isn't getting any clear indication from you that it's having a negative impact, so he isn't questioning it. Men aren't usually likely to "ask permission", especially if it's an activity that has always been a part of his life. When you married him, you didn't expect him to give up parts of him that he takes pride in, did you? Of course not, and he knows it, that's why he doesn't think going hunting is a problem, because it never was one and you haven't said anything. As I explained earlier, I'm a musician and music can take up a great deal of my time occasionally, and if something important is coming up regarding my music that I know is going to take up my whole evening, I'm very unlikely to ask permission to do it, I'm going to simply tell her what I'm going to do with the expectation that she will say something if she has an objection. If she doesn't say anything, that's my confirmation that she has no problem with it, doesn't have anything planned, wasn't hoping for anything, understands, supports, etc.. If I told her "Hey I'm going to jam on Wednesday" and she said something like "Oh, I was actually hoping we could go do this thing that night", I'm not going to get mad, or argue, or refuse, or anything like that, I'm going to discuss it and either cancel my plan, or come to a compromise with her. 

Me - "Can we do that thing you want to do on Thursday?"
Her - "I would, but I have work that night."
Me - "Alright, let me see if the guys can re-schedule."

Simple as that. I'm not a special case. And again, it's a two-way street, I don't require her to "ask permission" if there's something she wants to do. She simply tells me her intention, and if I have an objection, I'll tell her. If he loves you, he will always be willing to discuss and compromise with you. If not, then OK yes, you two have a problem.


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## SierraRenee (Sep 8, 2014)

He sometimes asks me. I asked him last Saturday if he was going hunting the next day because I wanted to go look for a new car and he said he was going. I should have just told him I really would like for him to go with me but I didn't. I want him to be able to have his hobby and be with me too. I don't want to be a nag.


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## SierraRenee (Sep 8, 2014)

Oh and I did go test drive a few and also went to a boat show they were having with my kids and we met some friends and had dinner. He asked me all about my day when he got home. I think he felt guilty he didn't go with me.


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## seattle_stranger (Nov 4, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> No flaming. Yours is a very valid point of view. on the other hand you are adament about cutting this guy slack. But all we can go on is the facts we are given, not the facts we might suppose. Without his point of view, we can only go on what she says. And based on what she says, this is this guys hobby, not his career. As important and meaningful as it might be, sounds like she is being treated like second fiddle. Your situation actually doesn't sound that comparable.


Thank you. Agreed on the point that we don't have his side of the story so all we have is her statements...however.....I disagree that it sounds like she's second fiddle. I gave my situation as a comparison because of the basic nature of it, the man has a hobby that is important to him and as far as he knows, his wife is in full support of it. She needs to say something to him and unless I missed something, it sounds like she hasn't yet. 

No matter if it's a hobby or a career, it's important to him and that's what's most important. It sounds like she actually is understanding and supportive of his hobbies, she's simply starved for sex and the easy blame is his hobbies. It could potentially not be his hobbies at all, maybe he's just having a dry-spell, we all get them and it certainly doesn't mean something is wrong, it's just nature. Sometimes, I genuinely don't want to have sex, and I can't come up with any good reason as to why. I can understand why that might set a woman off into over-analytic-land, I know my lady isn't completely immune to that, she _is _a woman. 

Sometimes I wish us men had a general excuse for why we have occasional less-than-explainable mental fluctuations like women can blame pretty much anything on "PMS" and it simply is not questioned. 




> He asked me all about my day when he got home. I think he felt guilty he didn't go with me.


I'm willing to bet he did. Although he may not realize your angst in the sex department, you can guarantee he's not ignorant to your disappointments. You sound like you might be a lot like my lady, where she can be a little too reserved when it comes to saying what she really wants. Like, if she wanted me to come car shopping with her, she would've asked if I want to join her but would've been adamant that I should "definitely go do what you want" while her body language would've made it very unintentionally clear what she really wanted. It's actually pretty cute and just shows that you girls love us, want us to be happy and are just trying to be careful not to upset our balance. If he's anything like me, he wants you to know that you can tell him anything, he wants you to just be up-front and tell him what it is that you want, and don't ever bottle anything up. 

Sit down to dinner with him over a glass of wine and tell him exactly how you feel, that's all. Don't make a big deal out of it, don't make him feel bad, don't make it seem like this has been bothering you so much that you felt the need to post on the internet about it, just tell him straight-up how much you enjoy being his wife, how you are more in love with him then you were yesterday, and the day before, and the day before, and that you think about making love to him all the time. Don't hold back, tell him specifically what you miss doing with him, get dirty, suggest how you want to try new things with him too. I can almost guarantee you'll be having sex that night.


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## BucksBunny (Jan 6, 2015)

Now Seattle apart from ignoring her initiation post and ignoring her whole post history, and all due respect I am sure you are driven and look what I say ok to have a hobby good things but home fire is not burning ok point taken she admit it is ok but another log on the fire at home would not hurt. Your really driven you get up at 3am? And leave your girl waiting at night?

I love cycling and to get out my bed even on a sunny day 1.30 hours before I could ride Subway takes a lot even if I get going and enjoy work to ride and shower there and start my day fresh. I am lucky enough to have met an Olympic champion road racer and a NCAA Lacrosse championship coach they don’t get out of bed at 3AM and leave there home and it’s not a hobby it’s a multi million dollar enterprise to them and you’re trying to say she should try harder? Sorry can’t agree with respect driven what time did you get up to go on stage did you puck your guts out on a sport field this morning to be world class? Eh no and before you came back neither did I and not even an Olympic athlete don’t gets up at 3am and gets wiped out so drop that please on false driven drivel with respect and keep to point if you will please. If you claim to be driven I guess me and you will have to agree to disagree that is all part of rich quilt of life my dear friend.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

SierraRenee said:


> He sometimes asks me. I asked him last Saturday if he was going hunting the next day because I wanted to go look for a new car and he said he was going. I should have just told him I really would like for him to go with me but I didn't. I want him to be able to have his hobby and be with me too. *I don't want to be a nag.*


It's not nagging for you to ask him to come with you. Maybe he would like to be asked. If you told him you valued his opinion and needed his help, he might be happy to help. 

You clearly give him plenty of space for his hobbies. There's nothing wrong in asking him to be there for you, too.


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## BucksBunny (Jan 6, 2015)

Said my piece now focus to Sierra please and help her all we can.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Op, how do you look in camouflage? If you can't beat em join em.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

seattle_stranger said:


> .................
> 
> *Sometimes I wish us men had a general excuse for why we have occasional less-than-explainable mental fluctuations* like women can blame pretty much anything on "PMS" and it simply is not questioned.
> 
> ...


You do, it is called *being male*


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

The guy spends 4 days a week 15 hours a day away from the family on top of holding down a full time job? Do the kids know what he looks like?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I was going to ask a question but you already answered the question in previous post which was going to be; 'did you know this when you married him?'.

The answer is no. You said he has been doing this for 4 years and you've been married 20 years, so this is something relatively new.
Two outdoor hobbies that he has taken up 4 years ago with a vengeance. 

Also you say he is 50lbs overweight. 

Ok, I know about passionate hobbies. I was an avid harley rider before when I was a bachelor. I rode all over the country on my 1960 chopper low rider. Every vacation, every weekend I was gone. Then I decided to get married, and guess what? My wife doesn't nag me. But guess what? When you get married you have to be willing to give up your life for your spouse. Your spouse is not your hobby, she is your life. I know it's easier for me to say, I haven't been married that long. But I swore to myself that "i'm getting married, so my wife will not take a back seat to anyone"
Someone married twenty years will say "Yah, easy for you to say, wait 20 years from now!" Maybe so. That doesn't change what is right to do. Now I content my self with day rides and If I go on trips, I always offer for her to go with me. I never want her sad.

SieeraRene is hurting, otherwise she wouldn't be here.

Sorry, I don't buy it. Try another hobby where you can lose 50 lbs. and be home for your wife.


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## Rubicon (Jan 13, 2014)

This isn't a hobby. Hobbies are things we do in our spare time. If you start putting off important things in your life to "manufacture" spare time. Your an addict, not a hobbyist.

Tell hubby you need a sex life and if he's going to continue to make a conscious choice to ignore your needs so he can selfishly indulge in his pass time then you can find it elsewhere and he will only have himself to blame. See you in divorce court, I'll let you keep your dingy.....

Now, just look at the amount of time you seem to think this guy sits still waiting for a fish to bite. exhausted huh? Very tiring I guess trying not to doze off in your little boat...... Wonder what he really does with all that time???

No interest in Sex?, excuses to be away from home and the family for extensive lengths of time?.....

Are we sure this shouldn't be in the "Coping with Infidelity" section?


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## SierraRenee (Sep 8, 2014)

We talked last night about him cutting back on hunting so we have more time together and he agreed it was time. I told him I wanted to become his first priority. He said he understands and is going to plan a vacation for us in March. Thanks for all your help. I will keep you updated if there are changes. 

He went hunting this morning so hopefully he listened.


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## seattle_stranger (Nov 4, 2014)

Holland said:


> You do, it is called *being male*


So, with that logic, females are the model of emotional stability?


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## SierraRenee (Sep 8, 2014)

I don't feel the talk really helped any. This morning he didn't go hunting. He watched tv all morning and hardly said two words to me. I went to work out at noon. He's been on the phone with his buddies discussing their hunting plans tomorrow and whose going to be there. Now he's watching a movie with our daughter and has hardly talked to me all day. Ready to give up.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Did you make an effort to engage him? 

C


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## SierraRenee (Sep 8, 2014)

Yes, pbear. I asked him if he wanted to go work out with me. Also, some friends came over to plays doms and I asked him to play but he said he would rather watch a movie. He watched a movie with our daughter while we played.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

It almost sounds like resentment building on his part, for regulating his hobbies? Kind of like a parent that tells their child to turn off the TV and go outside to play, and all they do is sit on the front porch.
Maybe it's just me, but I've always thought a spouse should want to spend time with their other and not have to be told to. The fact that he wants to be gone so much means marriage has become the hobby and hobbies have become the marriage?
I bet if you gave him the green light to be gone 7 days a week with his buddies, he would be all over it? You can't make someone do something, they have to want to, or it's an empty gesture.


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