# wifes best friend, morally garbage



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Not sure if I should post this here, but I thought the people that have dealt with infidelity would give me the best insight.
My wife has a best girl friend and she has left her husband this year and taken the 2 girls they have with her and got an apartment. He was essentially blind sided by this, as we all were at the time. A few months have passed and she tells my wife (they have been best friends for 10 years) that she is going to meet up with an old flame from College.
I tell my wife the timing is suspect and she should ask a few questions about this man and see what truth starts to come out.
At first she said to my wife that the OM had left to join the military and as she dated and moved in with her husband the OM contacted her and professed his love for her. She referred to him as "the one that got away". that was a week ago.
Yesterday, she tells my wife that he has been in the military and that he and she have been in contact a few times a year and are very close but have never seen one another in all this time. She also says they have expressed the reason for not seeing one another is they would not be able to trust their behavior if they got together.
I said to my wife, is she dieting now, hitting the gym, buying some new clothes for this encounter she has clearly been fantasizing over for more than 10 years? Wife says no, she is not doing any of that. I told her the reason is, this is not the first time they have met up during her marriage and he knows what she looks like now versus in college. She is 15-20 lbs heavier and had 2 children so she looks more like a mom figure than an attractive college girl she once was.
I told my wife how badly I feel for the H as she has ruined his self esteem, telling him he does not do this or that, and has no identity, no attraction and on and on. Now that I hear about the OM, it all makes sense. She has been comparing her H to him all these years. The H has never had a chance to live up to the fantasy. She also told my wife she realized back before she married her H that the marriage was something she should not do but did anyway. They have been married for 11 years.

I now feel my wife is best friends with a person with very suspect morals and the ability to lie to everyone to get her way.
She has ruined the life of a good man and he still has no idea.

Should I say something to him? To her? ask my wife to stop their friendship and look for a better person to be close to?
I have had issues with this friend before, but never anything like this.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

nogutsnoglory said:


> My wife has a best girl friend and she has left her husband this year and taken the 2 girls they have with her and got an apartment. He was essentially blind sided by this, as we all were at the time. A few months have passed and she tells my wife (they have been best friends for 10 years) that she is going to meet up with an old flame from College.
> 
> Yesterday, she tells my wife that he has been in the military and that he and she have been in contact a few times a year and are very close but have never seen one another in all this time.
> 
> ...


The two red parts contradict.
First part makes it sounds like an email EA but no meet up.
Second part sounds like they did the classic "coffee shop meetup"

Anyway. Yes she is a cheater. EA. Read the thread from Hard to Detach for a comparison.

I would express concern about her cheating friend and tell her her BF makes you uncomfortable and she IS a cheater!

Weren't you the guy with the player neighbor sniffing around your wife? If yes. Keeping him at bay?

As for the dude. Are they D? MAKE SURE HE KNOWS SHE IS GOING!!!! You know full well it is outright PA at that point once she goes. WHAT STATE? If it matters in either alimony, property division, or waiting period TELL HIM TO GET A PI!!!!

For the sake of this man. DO THIS NOW!!!


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## ILMW (May 15, 2013)

Keep bad people out of your life. Cut all ties with this friend. These kind of people are always a threat to marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Ill add. This man is demoralized. If possible be the fire to get this man moving on this. Be the friend that at least gets him to act in his own interests and get that PI to confirm everything.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

If you don't expose it your wife may see that as condoning it...


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I would definitely tell the BH what you know. Your W thinks it's OK to be this toxic friend's confidante. There's no reason that you can't act like the poor husband's friend. Please don't let some notion of twisted honor stop you. It's honorable to tell him, not to keep it from him.

As for the bf, 10 years isn't much when someone is acting like this. Your wife should be alarmed and disapproving all on her own and pulling away from this friend. If she isn't, you should be disappointed and telling her what you would expect of a woman of character.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I would tell her husband. 

So your wife's best friend kept this secret from your wife for 10 years. Doesn't sound like a best friend or a good wife. 

She is trickle truthing your wife. Why? 

You can find honest people of high integrity to befriend. Just my .02
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

OP is in a unique position to NOT let this man hang.

If his marriage is going to end it will end. His wife hooking up with another man in another city might just be the thing to light a fire under his butt and hire a PI. PI evidence of a PA might be the catalyst.

Also, if they are not final D. The soon to be betrayed husband needs to tell soon to be PA cheating wife. "Take this physical and there is NO chance at a reconciliation"

Also.

OP see if you can get him on here.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Why is any of this your concern? The friend has left her husband so exposing makes no sense. Your wife is an adult and unless you two have a veto policy on friends you will come off as controlling if you try to end a 10 year friendship with her best friend.

The only person that you should have any control over is YOU. If any of this bothers you then fine state the boundary but be aware their are consequences. Before you go that route decide now if this is the hill you wish to die on.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I see this as a situation where the exwife always carried the torch for her old boyfriend. "The One That Got Away". Nowadays we seem to call this and EA, but it isn't the searing hot lusty infatuation EA of meeting someone new. It is the simmering longing for something which never quite was.

Now that she has moved out it isn't really the husband's business any longer if she dates someone. I presume they are divorced or that the divorce is well under way. Frankly, this marriage does not sound like one worth trying to resurrect.

My wife carried a torch for one of her exes for many many years. A simple exposure of a planned get together would not be enough to stop things escalating.

I think though that the husband might benefit emotionally from the information that his xw had been carrying this torch for all those years. It might put a lot of pieces together for him, and it might put him at ease.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I get the impression D is not even filed.

This guy deserves closure.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

workindad said:


> I would tell her husband.
> 
> So your wife's best friend kept this secret from your wife for 10 years. Doesn't sound like a best friend or a good wife.
> 
> ...


my thought is she is trickling him into her life in front of my wife first and then will come her other friends, family , and daughters.
She has told everyone including her H that she will be divorcing. Just no one knows what happened and now I am realizing what happened and realizing that her poor H has been dealt this hand since before vows took place so many years ago. Sad..


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Thor said:


> I see this as a situation where the exwife always carried the torch for her old boyfriend. "The One That Got Away". Nowadays we seem to call this and EA, but it isn't the searing hot lusty infatuation EA of meeting someone new. It is the simmering longing for something which never quite was.
> 
> Now that she has moved out it isn't really the husband's business any longer if she dates someone. I presume they are divorced or that the divorce is well under way. Frankly, this marriage does not sound like one worth trying to resurrect.
> 
> ...


your last point is my thought as well. Now that I hear about the OM and what type of guy he is etc.. The years of complaining I heard from her about her H was in fact her wanting to turn her H into the OM. H has lost his identity over the years and always had a given up, defeated, thing about him I never understood, until now..


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Why is any of this your concern? The friend has left her husband so exposing makes no sense. Your wife is an adult and unless you two have a veto policy on friends you will come off as controlling if you try to end a 10 year friendship with her best friend.
> 
> The only person that you should have any control over is YOU. If any of this bothers you then fine state the boundary but be aware their are consequences. Before you go that route decide now if this is the hill you wish to die on.


This man has been in my life, at my kids birthday parties, and the husband of my wife's BF for the last 10 years. When she left him, he called me and was so lost, he had no idea what had happened, had suicidal thoughts and has since been told by her all the things that are wrong with him in her eyes. Now that this has come to light it appears he just was not living up to a fantasy with the OM she had in her eyes. She never even gave her Marriage a chance, nor did she give him an opportunity to change to better meet her needs. I am not worried about dying on that hill as you state it. I would tell my wife first and let her know this is a moral decision and I have to sleep with a clear mind, free of guilt. She may not like it, but she is smart enough to know that I did not create this situation. I just want to do what is right and that is why I came here. Looks like you are in the severe minority, I think I know what I need to do.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

The 2 little girls, may end up getting the most damage out of this

They are seeing their very devoted loving father, ripped apart---and they are seeing their mother preparing to hook up with another man

They have been yanked from what was probably a nice home, and now live in what is probably a dumpy apt.

This woman is trash all the way around----your wife, should not continue on as her friend---and someone needs to have a serious talk with the innocent H----he married her based on what he thought was going to be a wonderful future---and he gets his teeth kicked down his throat---bad situation all the way around


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> The two red parts contradict.
> First part makes it sounds like an email EA but no meet up.
> Second part sounds like they did the classic "coffee shop meetup"
> 
> ...


second part is my assumption that I expressed to my wife. The two of them having an EA I agree is obvious and due to that fact I find it awful convenient he will be in town 2 months post her leaving her H. I think he has been "in Town" before. Can't imagine an EA lasting 10 + years and he traveling the country for military reasons and never trying to meet up. Possible, just highly unlikely IMO. They are not divorced just separated by address only. No marital separation agreement signed or anything. She went to MC with him before leaving but I heard from my W, she admitted it was just for show. She had no interest in working through the issues. We could not get it, it just made no sense. Now it makes perfect sense to me.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think the BH has a right to know all of this. His WW doesn't deserve him. She is so entitled that she appears to have no real qualms about using another human being this way and then regaling the person with all of the reasons that it was justified that he was used.

I hope you will have a talk with him.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

nogutsnoglory said:


> your last point is my thought as well. Now that I hear about the OM and what type of guy he is etc.. The years of complaining I heard from her about her H was in fact her wanting to turn her H into the OM. H has lost his identity over the years and always had a given up, defeated, thing about him I never understood, until now..


During one discussion I had with my wife she suddenly blurted out "You WISH you had married Allison!". (name changed). (Allison was a high school girlfriend, we never had sex, and I have had zero contact with her since we broke up except she attended my sister's wedding.) This was so preposterous a statement it made no sense at all.

My therapist immediately identified it as 'leakage'. This was an accusation hurled at me but it reflected her own thoughts. In this case, my wife was thinking she was wishing she'd married Ass Clown instead of me.

I can't say it brings me closure to know, because I have in fact known at some level all along about her carrying this torch. But your friend I think might get some closure knowing he was up against an impossible standard since the beginning.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

No matter how much she is saying that she's done with her marriage, she has not filed for divorce. So she's still married. 

Her husband does have a right to know that has been going on and that his wife has been having an EA and is planning to meet this guy in person.

To me it sounds like she's pretty sure that things will work out with her old flame. But he's keeping her husband in wings just in case.

Get the book "Surviving an Affair" for him. He needs to know that there are steps he can go through. And if she continues this nonsense with the exflame he can and should move on.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

nogutsnoglory said:


> The two of them having an EA I agree is obvious and due to that fact I find it awful convenient he will be in town 2 months post her leaving her H. I think he has been "in Town" before. Can't imagine an EA lasting 10 + years and he traveling the country for military reasons and never trying to meet up. Possible, just highly unlikely IMO.


I can believe they never saw each other in that time. You are assuming he was as consumed as she was with the EA.

I don't believe my wife saw Ass Clown after we moved from the area 5 years into our marriage. She only saw him only once during those 5 years when we went back to the home town and played a soccer game with a big bunch of high school friends. During the 4 years we dated before getting married I think she saw him twice. So that makes it her seeing him 3 times after we started dating, and then not seeing him at all for 25+ years.

In fact I do not believe she had any emails, phone calls, etc. in that time period. I know she talked about him with a friend numerous times. I know she kept mementos. So there was no reinforcement from his side.

And then he contacted her on FaceBook. With that one message he had her on the hook. I nuked it hard thanks to TAM. He would have happily taken it PA with her, and that was his hope I am sure.

Thirty+ years of no real contact and then blammo with one FB message she is hooked. That shows the power of the fantasy.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

PLEASE TELL ME you are going to let this guy know! Had she filed D then a different story. At that point IMHO once filed she is free AS IS HE.

With no D filed get him to PI the hookup or for that matter find out where it is and get some non-explicit photos for him. IE entering the hotel together. 

Once he knows she has fully given herself over to this POS hopefully he will begin detachment.

Am I wrong in saying that the betrayed man should let wayward wife know ahead that if she takes it physical its over with ZERO chance of R?

Seriously get him over here into TAM if you can.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> PLEASE TELL ME you are going to let this guy know! Had she filed D then a different story. At that point IMHO once filed she is free AS IS HE.
> *Neither have filed. He won't and she can't afford to pay the lawyer the fee yet. He has no real hope for R as she has told him on multiple occasions at this point it is over. I just think he should know he was set up from the word go to fail so he can stop feeling like he did something wrong. Something that he can't identify and I am sure is eating him alive as it would any of us.*
> 
> With no D filed get him to PI the hookup or for that matter find out where it is and get some non-explicit photos for him. IE entering the hotel together.
> ...


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Put yourself in his shoes. Would you like for someone to tell you whats going on? I know that I would. i know the people at my wife's work knew way before I had the first clue. Some of them I called friends, But yet they kept my wife's actions from me. They are just tools for me to use now. I let them know what I want my wife to believe. It is good to have pawns.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Tell him. He needs to know the real score. Its going to be a big hit that she wasted 10 years of his life, but it's also going to open his eyes that the shortcomings she projected onto him weren't true.
In the right state with some hard evidence of an ongoing affair maybe he could get his kids back.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

workindad said:


> I would tell her husband.
> 
> So your wife's best friend kept this secret from your wife for 10 years. Doesn't sound like a best friend or a good wife.
> 
> ...


I don't look at it as keeping a secret. 

I have been married for 25 years. Love my wife and have never cheated. But if our marriage fell apart, I might look to date. And there are a few girls from my past that I was very close to and if they approached me, I might date them again. 

I could then see myself telling a buddy, "Yeah, I am dating this girl that I dated back in high school. I always had a thing for her. She was kind of the one that got away. Should be fun to see her again."

Doesn't mean that I was keeping a secret from my buddy for years. Doesn't mean that I was seeing her before the marriage ended either.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Is your wife starting to put some distance between her and her friend? This is not the best friend for your marriage.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

I think your main concern, OP, was this woman being friends with your wife.

In addition to exposure, which I DO think is a smart idea and would help light the fire for this man to go through with D, I would talk with your wife. I might say something like this:

"I've been thinking about what you told me about [WW] and her "friend" and it's really been bothering me. God forbid you and I were to ever be in [WW] and [BH]'s situation, I would hope that we could continue to be completely honest with each other. I don't feel she's being honest with [BH]. He's a good friend of mine and he deserves to know about this."

It's not an outright "she's an awful friend and you shouldn't hang out with her", but it starts a conversation. And it lets her know that you don't condone keeping secrets where infidelity is concerned.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

SadSamIAm said:


> I don't look at it as keeping a secret.
> 
> I have been married for 25 years. Love my wife and have never cheated. But if our marriage fell apart, I might look to date. And there are a few girls from my past that I was very close to and if they approached me, I might date them again.
> 
> ...


what if you had been staying in touch with her for the entire marriage, multiple times a year and had admitted to one another through the years that you can't meet due to it most definitely going physical..?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Oh, goodie! She might well be planning on Plan b-ing her poor husband. Wheeee! Won't THAT be fun for him, folks?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

No need to say anything right now.

If it's true then the fantasy man will be showing up soon and your wife's bf will start seeing him. That she carried the torch will be obvious and whether they've seen each other in the last 11 years will be a topic of discussion.

If it's not true then you will just be starting rumors.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

BWBill said:


> No need to say anything right now.
> 
> If it's true then the fantasy man will be showing up soon and your wife's bf will start seeing him. That she carried the torch will be obvious and whether they've seen each other in the last 11 years will be a topic of discussion.
> 
> If it's not true then you will just be starting rumors.


I would not tell him they have seen one another as that is my assumption only. the rest is concrete. She has been talking to him a few times a year for their entire marriage. She has told him they cant see one another during that time as they would be physical. She has always wished she married him and not the H. That is all confirmed information. 
I hear you though. I just do not want him wallowing with no knowledge any longer..


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

If you're not afraid of it coming back on you, I'd go ahead and tell the husband. Unless he's dense as a cubic yard of concrete, he likely knows something is up.
All my life I've seen these guys marry women and know they were not her first choice. What do these guys think is going to happen when their first choice starts coming back around. Like my grandma used to say, "if she don tink you hung da moon Mon Sha, you better forget her and find you one dat does."


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Oh boy this is a sticky situation all around, I don't recommend as of yet of to do anything because it is hearsay. 

This is your wife's best friend, no one is perfect by all means but you have to be careful when addressing this, first off I think your wife needs more information to dial in the situation of what is going on. If your wife feels that her friend is lying to her and is seeing other man then your wife should have a talk with her because a least if she warned her friend or told her upfront that what she is doing is wrong and if her best friend STILL decides to see OM then take it from there. DON"T expose don't say anything just yet until you know for sure from your wife because chances are the moment the husband catches wind of it it ruin a rare chance for your wife to find out more info. I think you should go talk to your wife first before you do anything so she won't be blindsided as well. Talk to her first and see where you wife is mentally and proceed from there.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

krismimo said:


> Oh boy this is a sticky situation all around, I don't recommend as of yet of to do anything because it is hearsay.


You could drop some big hints.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

So the wife has the kids and has already moved out, gotten an apartment, and shes hitting it up with an old flame.
WOW THIS SOUNDS FAMILIAR... especially since it happened to me!
Except I was the one to move out, so the kid could go to the same school, and ended up figuring she had an interest in this old boyfriend for a long time. Moved him in 3 months after I moved out after 13 years together at that house.

Your friend is going to know something must have been up throughout their marriage, just as I drew that conclusion. The OM being an old friend, Im sure your friend has heard of him.

The dude has to be suffering immensely though. To come up and "hey, did you know your wife wanted to boink homeboy from college THIS WHOLE TIME??",, wouldnt be cool.
You need to be there for moral support for this guy, and let him lean on you.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

If you were directly dealing with the situation it would be one thing. But your wife is the one in the middle.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Work on your old lady and get her away from this bullcrap. 

Once your marriage is protected then you can worry about the betrayed husband.

You can't control your wife, but between you and me...phuck that friend of hers and the horse she road in on!


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