# Boyfriend giving lifts to a female co-worker



## Love.xx (Nov 8, 2021)

Hi, I am hoping you can offer me some advice so my boyfriend I found out he has been picking a girl up that he works with and taking her into work. I wouldnt of had a problem with him doing this if he had off told me but I found out another way, he also has her number and they seem to exchange alot of messages through the working day, some asking him if he can pick her up on his way In to work with hearts on the end is that necessary?
X


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

That is a major red flag. I’ve read of a lot of affairs that started just this very way. Some people are ok with Car pooling if everything is up front. But that’s not what happened here. He hid this and is also doing a lot of texting. Don’t be surprised if they’re also IMing and emailing on company time but you won’t see these. I wonder what the odds are that this woman is attractive? This needs to be nipped in the bud ASAP.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Love.xx said:


> Hi, I am hoping you can offer me some advice so my boyfriend I found out he has been picking a girl up that he works with and taking her into work. I wouldnt of had a problem with him doing this if he had off told me but I found out another way, he also has her number and they seem to exchange alot of messages through the working day, some asking him if he can pick her up on his way In to work with hearts on the end is that necessary?
> X


Demand to check his phone. There should be no secrets.
The rule I have is the wife can't delete anything. If she deletes anything, my phone will be locked down.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

jonty30 said:


> Demand to check his phone. There should be no secrets.
> The rule I have is the wife can't delete anything. If she deletes anything, my phone will be locked down.


While the situation sounds problematic, this advice is a little extreme. The OP isn't married. We have no idea how long they have been together, how old they are, what the relationship status is. For all we know, they could be18 and both living with their parents and dating for a month.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Love.xx How long have you been together? Do you live together? How could she get to work otherwise? Should she be encouraged to take a different form of transport?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Livvie said:


> While the situation sounds problematic, this advice is a little extreme. The OP isn't married. We have no idea how long they have been together, how old they are, what the relationship status is. For all we know, they could be18 and both living with their parents and dating for a month.


While I would agree with you, in the beginning of a relationship, I would disagree with you if he has told her that he is serious about her.


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## Love.xx (Nov 8, 2021)

he is 32 and i am 29 we dont live together yet as we have only been together for a few months, we are in a serious relationship and have talked about the future.
when i found out, i didnt tell him that i found out through his messages i just said how does she get into work everyday as i know she doesnt drive and its not on a bus route thats when he said ''she gets a taxi in but i have drove her in a few times also, i didnt mention it as i didnt think it was relevant and its just not came into conversation''
The girl is alot younger than us and the messages are very clean and mostly work related or talking about picking up for work ect, i just dont like the odd message she will throw in with hearts ect he doesnt give that back and no kisses ect but i find it quite disrespectful to be honest.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Tricky situation for sure, overtly he's committed no crime but she seems to be crossing lines with those heart emoticons. 

Could be innocent could be the start of something. Smart move not telling him how you found out. 

All you can do is keep on monitoring and if anything um..comes up.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Your BF is being kind to a co-worker who doesn't drive. Yes, it would have been nice if he told you about this transportation arrangement, but he may have genuinely thought it was no big deal.

The girl may be a bit inappropriate with the heart emojis but young women often throw around the word "love" & all sorts of emojis casually. She may just mean that she loves not having to pay for a taxi. 

Before you lose your mind & scream at your BF, I'd get to know the young woman. Make sure she knows your man is yours. Have him invite her around the next time he drives her to work so you can mark your territory. 

Bottom line if you love & trust your BF, try assuming the best about him before you accuse him of being disrespectful or inappropriate. Do tell him that you are bothered by this but remain calm & open minded.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Let's just get to it..........you already said she's younger........is she hot?


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## Love.xx (Nov 8, 2021)

I just feel like the heart emojies she sends him when asking if he can take her into work that morning are completley unnessesary, she also told him she had curled her hair that morning on one message, why does my boyfriend need to know that? 
he doesnt flirt back in the messages and doesnt give it back but i dont like how he isnt shutting it down i feel like she is slightly over stepping a line here.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Love.xx said:


> I just feel like the heart emojies she sends him when asking if he can take her into work that morning are completley unnessesary, she also told him she had curled her hair that morning on one message, why does my boyfriend need to know that?
> he doesnt flirt back in the messages and doesnt give it back but i dont like how he isnt shutting it down i feel like she is slightly over stepping a line here.


I understand your concern. She just may be expressive.
I tend to do smilies when I'm texting somebody, but I don't mean anything by it. 

To be true, you don't know what is being said when they are travelling in the car.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Love.xx said:


> Hi, I am hoping you can offer me some advice so my boyfriend I found out he has been picking a girl up that he works with and taking her into work. I wouldnt of had a problem with him doing this if he had off told me but I found out another way, he also has her number and they seem to exchange alot of messages through the working day, some asking him if he can pick her up on his way In to work with hearts on the end is that necessary?
> X


Depending on how your relationship is, for me it would be highly understood that that type of situation is inappropriate. Some people would not care that their partner is picking up someone and taking them here in there to them that’s just some thing that isn’t a big deal. But for some like myself that is a questionable act because it opens up possibilities that shouldn’t be there if he’s in a committed relationship with you. If you’re uncomfortable with it I suggest you say some thing if he values how you feel he will stop doing this sorry for the person Who needs a ride but your relationship comes first. I’m sure she can find someone else to bring her to work.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

At the very least she's using pretty privilege to get free rides to work. The reason a lot of us have issue is because while nothing may be going on now, it's a situation that can easily turn south. What happens when Miss Nocar is short on rent money???


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Love.xx said:


> he is 32 and i am 29 we dont live together yet as we have only been together for a few months, we are in a serious relationship and have talked about the future.
> when i found out, i didnt tell him that i found out through his messages i just said how does she get into work everyday as i know she doesnt drive and its not on a bus route thats when he said ''she gets a taxi in but i have drove her in a few times also, i didnt mention it as i didnt think it was relevant and its just not came into conversation''
> The girl is alot younger than us and the messages are very clean and mostly work related or talking about picking up for work ect, i just dont like the odd message she will throw in with hearts ect he doesnt give that back and no kisses ect but i find it quite disrespectful to be honest.


You’ve only been together for a few months and are not living together, so I wouldn’t necessarily consider this too serious yet. But this is the time to really vett him out. Do not get yourself into a deeper relationship with a guy who may have a wondering eye. If you hope to eventually have children, you want a guy who will put you above others and not harbor secrets like this.


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## Love.xx (Nov 8, 2021)

it feel likes its wrong to me because i know that i wouldnt be messaging a guy from work the way she is knowing he has a girlfriend i have more respect than that, when i said to him i have an issue with it because you never told me about it yourself you have only told me because i have asked you how she gets to work and i asked how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot, he said he wouldnt like it but from the messages i seen lastnight hes still giving her lifts,
i didnt ask him to stop i just said he should of told me.
I dont want him to know i have seen there messages but were do i draw the line here?
my boyfriend does not need to know that you have curled your her this morning, do i keep an eye
on these messages when i have chance.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Love.xx said:


> _*Hi, I am hoping you can offer me some advice so my boyfriend I found out he has been picking a girl up that he works with and taking her into work. I wouldnt of had a problem with him doing this if he had off told me but I found out another way, he also has her number and they seem to exchange alot of messages through the working day, some asking him if he can pick her up on his way In to work with hearts on the end is that necessary?
> X*_


Of *course* he didn't tell you about giving his 'friend' rides to work and he doesn't *intend* to - unless he HAS to. 

Geez, you've only been with him a few months and yet he's *already* lying to you. What a prince.

Don't worry, the* lies *will continue when you ask him why he hasn't shared with you that he's been driving her into work. I'm absolutely shocked that anyone here is actually trying to persuade you to "trust" a damned liar and worse, is advocating that you basically kiss this liar's ass while you go find his young 'friend' and let her know he's your "man." Good Christ, I feel like I'm reading the lyrics to a country western song.

Your problem *isn't* this girl, OP. Your problem is the LIAR who is lying to you. Do *not* swallowl your pride and dignity by going to find this girl and letting her know he's your 'man.' He's 32 freakin years old and is perfectly capable of doing that himself - but the truth is, he doesn't WANT to so why would you humiliate yourself for someone who can't even respect you? Maybe if HE told her that, she wouldn't be a problem for you, would she?

Your problem is the liar you're coupled up with.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

Wow - only dating a couple months and already tracking him, looking behind his back at his messages, and questioning his motives even though you've found nothing - not even a flirt. If was me and found out you were doing this I'd be gone and done with you. He hasn't done anything at all wrong. As a guy.... yikes !


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

People are hot wired to bond emotionally and physically with others. Even though you're not married I think any couple might benefit from reading: "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass. It's based on studies of couples that experienced cheating. 

That way you're on the same page about the importance of boundaries in protecting your relationship as well as avoiding certain behaviors/conversations/situations that place your relationship at risk for cheating. 

And if you're uncomfortable with certain behavior, you'll learn the appropriate terms (as well as why it's reasonable to be concerned) for discussing it.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

The fact that you're checking his phone after only a few months is a big red flag. For everyone involved. It's still the honeymoon stage, it's early for this kind of thing.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You are teaching him how to treat you. A strong woman would just stop seeing him altogether and let HIM figure out what the problem is. I assure you he knows.

Please get a ride from a handsome younger dude and get him to send sweet messages with hearts.

you aren’t wrong for being upset. You’re being wrong for not giving consequences for his behavior. It doesn’t matter if he’s cheating or he’s not, what matters is it bothers you. If he really liked you, he’d fix what he’s doing that bothers you within reason, and this is most definitely within reason to stop the rides and the messaging.

if you’re labeled as “controlling”, so be it. I see it as having reasonable boundaries and screw what anyone else thinks on stuff like this.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Love.xx said:


> Hi, I am hoping you can offer me some advice so my boyfriend I found out he has been picking a girl up that he works with and taking her into work. I wouldnt of had a problem with him doing this if he had off told me but I found out another way, he also has her number and they seem to exchange alot of messages through the working day, some asking him if he can pick her up on his way In to work with hearts on the end is that necessary?
> X


Was he giving her these rides before you two became a couple? If this is a long established situation, he might not have thought to say anything, because he doesn't view her as anything other than a co-worker. Now if this started up after you two entered into a committed relationship, that becomes a different story. Which brings up another point. Did you two agree to be exclusive? Despite what some others might tell you, this is not an obvious step. For some dating is a process for deterring a LTR, which means the field stays open until the LTR is established and agreed upon.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Love.xx said:


> i just dont like the odd message she will throw in with hearts ect he doesnt give that back and no kisses ect but i find it quite disrespectful to be honest.


That presumes that she knows about you and him. If neither of them are seeing the other as more than co-worker and friendly, then he may not have mentioned you to her and thus she can't know that it affects you.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This isn't a great start to a relationship.


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## damo7 (Jul 16, 2020)

Some people are ok with behaviour like this - I am not one of them. Plus the fact he didn't tell you about it is a red flag, innocent or not.
Someone that was ok with this would not be the one for me, so I would dump them and move on to find one of the many people out there that have decent boundaries and common sense.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The big issue is the fact that he didn't tell you. So why didn't he tell you. Was it because he knew you wouldn't like it and would react badly, or was it because to him it's no big deal. Only you can decide that. 
I know people who have given regular lifts to people to and from work, (car sharing), and it was perfectly innocent. Just a way for both to save money and save wear and tear on their cars. Sometimes one didn't have a car so payed the petrol money of the driver. 

The trouble to my mind is the fact that he didn't tell you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Love.xx said:


> Hi, I am hoping you can offer me some advice so my boyfriend I found out he has been picking a girl up that he works with and taking her into work. I wouldnt of had a problem with him doing this if he had off told me but I found out another way, he also has her number and they seem to exchange alot of messages through the working day, some asking him if he can pick her up on his way In to work with hearts on the end is that necessary?
> X


One of the worst things to do. May start of without any intentions but more often than not leads to something else.
he may be flattered and his ego stroked by the attention of a younger woman, which is treading on dangerous ground.
I would observe for now, but don't let your guard down. If there is a sudden change in his behavior, hiding messages etc. then you know it has moved to another level.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It's one thing to help out in the event of an emergency (car wouldn't start etc); it's another to become a quasi chauffeur. One only does that if they really, really like the person.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

D0nnivain said:


> Your BF is being kind to a co-worker who doesn't drive. Yes, it would have been nice if he told you about this transportation arrangement, but he may have genuinely thought it was no big deal.
> 
> The girl may be a bit inappropriate with the heart emojis but young women often throw around the word "love" & all sorts of emojis casually. She may just mean that she loves not having to pay for a taxi.
> 
> ...


I agree with you, I've gotten a ride home with a male co-worker. We're close friends, that's true, but I can assure you I have no physical attraction to him what so ever. Maybe OP can calmly ask bf to let her know if he's giving co-worker rides to and fro work.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Love.xx said:


> I just feel like the heart emojies she sends him when asking if he can take her into work that morning are completley unnessesary, she also told him she had curled her hair that morning on one message, why does my boyfriend need to know that?
> he doesnt flirt back in the messages and doesnt give it back but i dont like how he isnt shutting it down i feel like she is slightly over stepping a line here.


Re-read this. SHE is over the top, yes. But HE isn't taking the bait. Try being happy that your guy is not flirting back instead of being all upset about something he can't control, namely her behavior. 




Love.xx said:


> i didnt ask him to stop i just said he should of told me.
> I dont want him to know i have seen there messages but were do i draw the line here?


In addition to the spying this is also where you went wrong. If you see something in your relationship that you don't like it is incumbent on you to speak up. Communication requires you to make your voice heard. Slinking around snooping on your BF & then being all upset because of something he doesn't even know you are upset about is unfair. Your BF is not a mind reader. 

You talk about having too much self-respect to flirt with a guy you know has a BF but a). you don't know that she knows you exist and b). you don't seem to have enough respect for your guy, your relationship or yourself to open your mouth & talk about what you found or how it makes you feel. 

In your shoes I would be way more direct. I'd say something like 

Honey, I have a confession to make. I snooped in your phone. Sorry. I now know how loyal you 
are & I am so grateful for that. But here's the thing, I really don't like how she's acting. 
Can you please tell her to dial it back & knock it off with the emojis?​
If you take ownership of the bad thing you did -- snoop -- he's more likely to take steps to curb her behavior once he understands how you feel about it.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> It's one thing to help out in the event of an emergency (car wouldn't start etc); it's another to become a quasi chauffeur. One only does that if they really, really like the person.


Hate to break it to you, but carpooling has been a thing for decades, whether it's only two people or a bunch of people. I gave a ride to a co-worker for a few years until I moved to somewhere that I would have to go out of my way to provide her a ride. She had a disability that prevented her from getting a license. She had to use taxi's for a while after I moved.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

maquiscat said:


> Hate to break it to you, but carpooling has been a thing for decades, whether it's only two people or a bunch of people. I gave a ride to a co-worker for a few years until I moved to somewhere that I would have to go out of my way to provide her a ride. She had a disability that prevented her from getting a license. She had to use taxi's for a while after I moved.


When people carpool there is generally a form of reciprocity or payment. Hate to break it to you. We invented carpool lanes.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

When possible I gave rides to a coworker for years (shaved at least 30 minutes off her public transport commute). We eventually wound up in the sack.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Years ago (before texts and emojis), I would give a female co-worker a ride home if we worked late. She lived in a tough neighborhood and was really helping me out by staying late so I felt it was the least I could do. I had told my wife I was doing this and she was OK with it and also felt it was the right thing to do. Conversations in the car were casual, personal as opposed to work-related. Two things happened. First, the co-worker started getting feelings for me. At that point I decided that the rides had to stop.

The second was more bizarre. She always rode in the front seat and while she was in the car one night her earring fell off and ended up on the carpet in the rear seat area. I found it a few days later and gave it to my wife and she said it wasn't hers and where did I find it. I told her and the crap hit the fan. "WHAT WAS SHE DOING IN THE BACK SEAT???" I explained it as best as I could but not sure she fully believed me.

Even worse, I gave it to my co-worker the next day and she told the office busy-body about where I found it. Eventually the entire office thought I was having an affair with the co-worker.

Sometimes it doesn't pay to be nice.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

CharlieParker said:


> When possible I gave rides to a coworker for years (shaved at least 30 minutes off her public transport commute). We eventually wound up in the sack.





Chris Taylor said:


> Years ago (before texts and emojis), I would give a female co-worker a ride home if we worked late. She lived in a tough neighborhood and was really helping me out by staying late so I felt it was the least I could do. I had told my wife I was doing this and she was OK with it and also felt it was the right thing to do. Conversations in the car were casual, personal as opposed to work-related. Two things happened. First, the co-worker started getting feelings for me. At that point I decided that the rides had to stop.
> 
> The second was more bizarre. She always rode in the front seat and while she was in the car one night her earring fell off and ended up on the carpet in the rear seat area. I found it a few days later and gave it to my wife and she said it wasn't hers and where did I find it. I told her and the crap hit the fan. "WHAT WAS SHE DOING IN THE BACK SEAT???" I explained it as best as I could but not sure she fully believed me.
> 
> ...


Sad but true. When two people of the opposite sex spend a significant amount of time alone, even when it is something as innocent as a ride to work, the increased likelihood of one or both becoming attracted is too great a risk in my opinion. In an emergency, sure, but regularly and without informing your SO what you are doing is a total no go in my book.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

CharlieParker said:


> When possible I gave rides to a coworker for years (shaved at least 30 minutes off her public transport commute). We eventually wound up in the sack.


And the altar.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> The fact that you're checking his phone after only a few months is a big red flag.


100% agree with this.

While I personally wouldn't like him giving lifts (other than on the odd occasion if needed) to the same female co-worker every day, the reality is you two aren't in a serious relationship. You're not living together, you're not married, you're only a girlfriend. That's what dating is for. To see if you're compatible with someone.

In this situation I would simply tell him how uncomfortable it makes you feel, that he does this. If he then continues to do it, the ONLY thing you can do, is call it off with him.

The fact that you are checking his messages is the bigger issue here imo.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> And the altar.


True dat. But not too worry, it won't last.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Evinrude58 said:


> ... A strong woman would just stop seeing him altogether and let HIM figure out what the problem is. ...


No, a passive-aggressive woman would do that. A strong woman would tell him exactly what is bothering her.


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