# Wish I Made Love Less Often



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

For those of you that know my story, I am the HD person and my wife is the LD person in our relationship. We go through periods of getting along well vs periods where I just want to leave. Lately, we have been getting along pretty well.

This morning my wife's alarm went off and after a couple of minutes I rolled over to hug her. She pushed me away. The same thing happened yesterday morning.

This morning after she put me off, I was laying there thinking. It is so confusing because when we are affectionate, everything in our lives is better. I don't understand why she puts me off.

I rolled back over to my side of the bed. And I said, "I bet nobody dies thinking that they hugged too much or that they had too much sex." I didn't say anything else. She didn't have a response.

After about 2 minutes, she rolled over and hugged me. We enjoyed a few minutes of affection before having to get up. 

We often talk about getting older. I will be 50 in a couple of years and she is a couple of years behind that. We have friends where one spouse has passed away or has become ill. We talk about cherishing the time we have. But she forgets.

I am glad I reminded her. I am sure she will need reminding again in a few days.


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## joelmacdad (Jul 26, 2010)

My wife is almost the same way. She for sure is not a morning person at all. Stay away until she can get up, brush the hair, get a drink and start the day. I try to oblige that as long as the affection comes later.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

My wife is not a morning person either. She isn't an afternoon or evening person either though, when it comes to initiating affection and/or intimacy.

She rarely if ever initiates affection. I don't like it, but I am used to it. She knows this is an issue. It has to do with her upbringing. She often thanks me for initiating. 

Sometimes, the 'thanks' doesn't occur, without some pain. Here is an example .... 

Early last week we were getting along pretty good. We talked about how soon the kids will be done school. That they will be home during the day. That I should take a morning off and we should spend it together at home. So Thursday came along and she was getting grumpy. I know it is about anxiety of our morning together. Thursday night, I told her we could wait until Monday if it works better for her for our date. She wants to wait (no surprise). Sunday night comes and she mentions something she is doing Monday. I told her .... I have plans for you Monday!. She looked annoyed, but she knew what I was talking about. 

Monday morning came and I stayed home from work. We had a wonderful time together and we (not just me) talked about how we don't do that enough (a couple of times a year).

It would have been so great for her to have said something during the weekend like, "I can hardly wait to have you to myself Monday morning." It would be great if she would do the planning and initiating for quality time together. But that isn't who she is.

I do it and will continue to do it.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I'm sorry, SadSam. I'm female, and I think that's nuts, but that's who she is, apparently.

Every single day brings stress, and problems, and stuff to do. That will never end. But starting the day off with lovemaking makes it all easier for me.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

Not sure I understand the subject line. Did you say you wish you didn't want it more often or are you getting it too much?

My wife sent me a text a couple weeks ago basically saying the same thing about me being a precious gift to hear and not wanting to waste any time with me. Yet here we are making love but a few times a year due to her choice. 

My wife would let me cuddle with her but nothing more. If I try to initiate I get the push off. So we don't cuddle anymore. I can't put myself out there to get all worked up because my love language is physical touch only to get rejected by my own wife. She complains about lack of non-sexual affection and I tell her why I can't do that. It's her choice. It took me just until this past year (married 13 years) to be able to say that to her honestly. In the past I would have cuddled, gotten rejected but not told her that I felt resentful. Now I have that boundary there and feel that since I've told her why that boundary is there and it's her choice to remove it that it is healthy. It keeps me from going in sane.

I wish we made love more often, or I wish I didn't have as much desire.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

What I meant by the title of the thread was ....

When someone is dieing, they would never say, " I wish I would have made love less!" They would always say the opposite.

I am the HD, I would like to make love more.

Just like people would never say ... 

"I wish I would have worked more." 
"I wish I would have vacuumed more" 
"I wish I would have hugged my kids less"

These are things that people think about when they are dieing or sick. 

People need to think about these things now.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

committed_guy said:


> My wife would let me cuddle with her but nothing more. If I try to initiate I get the push off. So we don't cuddle anymore. I can't put myself out there to get all worked up because my love language is physical touch only to get rejected by my own wife. She complains about lack of non-sexual affection and I tell her why I can't do that. It's her choice. It took me just until this past year (married 13 years) to be able to say that to her honestly. In the past I would have cuddled, gotten rejected but not told her that I felt resentful. Now I have that boundary there and feel that since I've told her why that boundary is there and it's her choice to remove it that it is healthy. It keeps me from going in sane.


I am the exact same. My wife will say I can never just hug her. What I told my wife is ...

If we have made love in the past 5 days, I will hug and be physically affectionate without wanting more. I still find this difficult, but I can do it. But once it has been 5 days or so since make love, I find it very frustrating to hold her without trying to escalate it to more than just affection.

My issue is she SAYS she wants more affection (without sex), but she never initiates the affection. This morning and yesterday morning I initiated affection. She pushed me away. Even though she knows we just made love on Monday. I sincerely was just being affectionate (no expectation of sex). I knew that we had to get up in 5 minutes.

I think the reality is she isn't very affectionate ... period. She makes the comment about affection without sex, because she knows I have a hard time with it. It was her way of putting distance between us (can't hug because it will lead to sex).


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

lamaga said:


> I'm sorry, SadSam. I'm female, and I think that's nuts, but that's who she is, apparently.
> 
> Every single day brings stress, and problems, and stuff to do. That will never end. But starting the day off with lovemaking makes it all easier for me.


I think it is very hard for people to understand. 

They probably read what I write and think my wife doesn't love me. That she doesn't desire me. 

What I have come to realize is that she does love me and she does desire me. She just has a mental block regarding affection/intimacy/sex. Once I get her going, she is very loving. The way we hold each other and talk to each other after making love is so wonderful. I know she isn't acting. At this point, when her 'wall is down' she is very loving. I feel how much she desires me and needs me. She thanks me for understanding her and for 'forcing' her to open up.

Her father was an alcoholic and was verbally abusive. He made her feel like a **** when she was a teenager. For things like wearing too much make-up or wearing too tight of jeans. Things that all teenagers did/do.

I really wouldn't be surprised to hear that at some point in her life she was sexually abused by her father or someone else. I have asked her, and she has always denied it, but I wouldn't be surprised.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

The victory for me Sam, was communicating to my wife that lack of sex has an impact on my desire to love her. Due to my co-dependency issues I've only discovered over the last year. I've finally been brave enough to tell her this. For me, her knowing how I feel is leaving the responsibility of our relationship up to her. This is freeing. If she didn't know how I felt, and I got resentful, letting it out slowly in passive aggressive ways, then she wouldn't understand why I was not acting loving to her. 

2 weeks ago in our sex therapists office I was able to share how I can't look at my wife as attractive anymore because she never will permit me to initiate. What's the point in me getting all excited over her body when it always ends in frustration. But it was a huge thing for me to tell her that. 

I'm more sharing my story than giving you any advice. Every situation is different and maybe telling your wife that you can't cuddle or be attracted to her would not be wise. For me, I could only do that sort of communication in a licensed therapists office who can help us work through it.

Back to your point, yes I agree that time lost is never regained. Will my DW ever regret not having sex with me? Probably not because she doesn't value a sexual relationship. But I mourn the loss of this part of our relationship. It comes down to what people maximize in their life those things that are most valuable to them. For my DW it's control. What she is just now realizing is that control she values is suffocating intimacy in our relationship.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

I also use this point when describing the importance of intimacy. You'll never regret making love to your spouse "too much" when they are gone. 

You'll regret a lot of things, but not that.


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