# Help



## Sobetrayed (Jan 14, 2008)

I have just verified that my wife has been having an affair on and off emotional and physical for 12 years the problem is we have been married for 11. We have 2 wonderful children and I do not want them to grow up in a broken home. (This is what she has told me) She started her relationship with her boss 12 years ago right before we met and included Im told one night of sex. She met me and they stopped any romantic contact for 4 years but became close friends and confidents (they have the same personalities we are extremely different) the relationship would ebb and flow during the next 5 years including her boss having another affair with a married women that was discovered and almost cost him his marriage. About 2 years ago my wife tells me that they began getting closer again and included lying to me, secret dinners and legitamate business trips. I caught her in lie last year when I hired a PI to follow them to a dinner. The observed flirting and romantic gestures but no smoking gun. They followed her to his car where they could not see in. She has told me this weekend they were kissing and thats the last time they have don it. We were in counsuling at the time and quit because she had told the same lie to the therapist. Since then there has been an uneasy truce with little trust until the other day where I taped a phone conversation saying she lusts for him and and wanted to kiss him that day . I confronted her immediatly and she came clean although I think a little surgar coated. She says she loves me and there is know choice between him or me. She called him the next day to break it off and I actually called him Who I know and told him to stay away from my wife. He appologized and promised it was over too. I did let both know that if I sniffed one inappropiate thought or deed between it would be ugly and I would give all my evidence to his wife. He does not want adivorse because he could loose millions. The good thing is he now lives in Zurich Switzerland and is in the US only a few weeks a year and my wife has a new boss. Sorry to be so long winded but my therapist had surgery this weekend and I have no sessions for a couple of weeks. My wife has agreed to start counseling again and I am trying to find a new one as I write this. Will somone tell me that we can work this out or I am I living on Mars.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Anything can be worked out *IF* both parties are willing to try to do so.

It is certain that you do but where is she?

How is your sex life and other intimate things around the house?

Can you truely forgive and forget over time or do you and will you always bring up her affair?

When did you first find out about all this?

draconis


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## Sobetrayed (Jan 14, 2008)

She is a very practical, hard working Type A peronality. I would be lieing to say our sex life is to my likeing but I might be a little more eager than a normal person but would say 3 to 5 time a month. She is not really what I would consider aromantic but we have our moments where this thing feel great between us. She says she is committed and we are going to start counseling but this is the begining so who knows how commited she will be but I do think she wants to make things better. It started about 9 years ago she told me "John" tried to kiss her and and wanted to have an affair. I think she was looking for my reaction and somthing at that time did happen. This came out of left field but I now know that at that time she was not happy because of lack of maturity and respect I was giving her at the time . Things got better we had a child and things were wonderful. We had a second child and things started to go down hill. She was becoming more distant and getting closer to John. 2 years ago I was thinking more was going on than met the eye. Although I found a lot of clues (phone records, emails, and attitude) There was no smoking gun. I started catching her in alot I lies and as my 1st letter state got the detective and found her out but she told me it was just an emotional affair. As stated before things were at a truce but neither of us happy. The conversatin I recorded Friday not only shoked me to my soul but she was saying things that I wanted to but rarely heard from her. She said that she was relieved that a knew and that it was over and stress of the affair on her too much. I could go on for days but I have to get back to reality. I would hope that it is normal for a person to be all consumed with this happening only a few days before. I have asked her so many questions and she has told me that some just do not have any answers. What do you think.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Well, 13 years ago I was in your shoes. My first wife was cheating on me and although I knew the relationship was under pressure I did not know she was cheating until I walked in on them.

It took me months to get over it, always had butterflies etc and I lost so much weight I became really sick.

So what you are going through isn't unusual. Infact, I would say you are handling it better then I did.

I really don't think the affair was because of your marriage as it started before you met and just continued on through it. The real pressure is on her. Can she really change and does she love you enough to do everything reasonably to save the marriage.

As far as the sex goes if you are happy with it fine. Keep in mind that the average couple has sex 3.5 times a week. Not happy couple the average couple, and this is in every modern survey. But again you have to figure what is good for you and ask her if it is enough on her end.

The problem with her affair is that she shared time, energy and emotions between two people. In the end it hurt your marriage. If she can commit that energy all to the marriage chances are you'll be fine in the end.

I would ask her to live a transparent life at least for some time. It would give you a piece of mind anyways. 

I wish you the very best.

draconis


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## Sobetrayed (Jan 14, 2008)

Thanks I will let people know how things are going. We have our 1st therapy session at 6 tonight.


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