# Husband wants a divorce bcause of financial decisions I made...Please help.



## Very_sorry (Nov 7, 2013)

Please be patient with me when you read this post. In order to get to the root of the problem, I believe I have to be completely honest and start from the very beginning.

My husband and I have been together for 7 years but married for 5. I have been working full time for most of the relationship and he was studying. A couple of years ago, he graduated with his degree and wanted to continue on to do his masters. Up until this point, his parents had been supporting him financially. They stopped when he started his Masters. When he started his Masters, I was working full time in a basic role and having to pay for both our daily ongoing expenses, 2 credit card debts and a car loan (mine).

There were some months that I wasnt getting enough weekend overtime and bills were coming in left, right, centre. I made the decision to re-finance the car loan to spare up some cash ($3000) to pay the bills. *Mistake #1:* I didnt speak to him about my decision or tell him about the re-finance. Re-financing generally means a higher interest rate and a loan that would take longer to pay off. I also set up an overdraft on my everyday account so that bills would always be paid and we would never be behind.

Because the interest on the re-finance was so high, I negotiated with a bank a couple of months ago for me to repay the loan at a much lower interest rate. If all goes well, I should be able to pay this off in about 6 months.

*Mistake #2:* My husband has always wanted kids and I didnt see how we could have kids on 1 income. I tried to explain that we were not financially ready to have kids on 1 income and that we should wait. He didnt really want that and I felt like I had no choice but to take contraception without him knowing.

He has since found out about all of this (im not sure how and i dont think that matters anymore). He said that I had ample opportunity to come out and tell him the truth (when he had his suspicions) and I never did. *Mistake #3* Instead I would get cranky, yell at him and just change the topic altogether.

*Mistake #4:* I was expecting some $ back from the government ($2000) a couple of years ago that my husband insisted had to go into a savings account for a rainy day (which is a good idea of course). When the $ finally arrive mid last year, I used it to pay off bills and expenses and didnt tell my husband about it. I kept saying that it hadnt arrived when he asked, thinking that I would scrape the money together sometime in the future. About a month ago, I took out a second smaller loan to cover this amount because I felt very guilty that I had lied to him about this. 

I have never asked for help in repaying my debt and I have never had people knocking on my door chasing me for payment. My husband has since said that he wants a divorce and he doesnt want to have anything to do with me. he works in another city 4 hours away and used to come home to spend time with me on the weekends. He hasnt been home in 3 weeks now and says he has no intention of ever coming home. He has been going over to his parents instead every weekend.

I feel guilt and remorse over everything that I have done. I have tried to apologise over and over and he just doesnt want to hear it. I am not perfect and I made some horrible mistakes. Would I ever do them again ? Definitely not. I have well and truly learnt my lesson now. He says a relationship without trust cannot be called a marriage and that if i had kept so much from him, there would be other things that I would be keeping from him. I dont have any other secrets left that I have kept from him. I dont know what to do and was hoping that people on TAM could give me some advice. Thank you for being so patient and reading my thread.


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## hereinthemidwest (Oct 7, 2010)

A marriage is buildt on trust and respect. It appears you have damaged the relationship from poor choices. Be thankful you didn't have any kids together. Sounds like he's filing for divorce. Live and learn the hard way. Good Luck.


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## Very_sorry (Nov 7, 2013)

I agree that marriage is built on trust and respect and I have made some pretty bad mistakes that I am owning up to. I dont wish to lose my marriage over this and would like to fix this. But if he's not keen, does that mean I should just give up and walk away ?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Fixing the marriage must be a joint decision. This is one choice you can't make without him!


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## hereinthemidwest (Oct 7, 2010)

Very_sorry said:


> I agree that marriage is built on trust and respect and I have made some pretty bad mistakes that I am owning up to. I dont wish to lose my marriage over this and would like to fix this. But if he's not keen, does that mean I should just give up and walk away ?


You can't make him want to continue his journey with you. He feels he can not trust you. I don't blame him nor can you. Saying sorry doesn't take back the ACT. 

lying about money and also taking the pill??? WTH


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## Very_sorry (Nov 7, 2013)

i agree that i cannot make him want to continue the journey with me. and saying sorry cannot take back what i have said and done. i made some stupid mistakes that i shouldnt have and i see that now. I did what i thought was best at the time but i was wrong. I cant imagine a life without him in it. I regret everything that I have done and want to earn his trust again.I cant take away the hurt and the betrayal. The only thing I can do is make sure it never happens again.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you talked to him about WHY you chose to hide those things? And had answers besides "I don't know, but I promise not to do it again"?

C


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## Very_sorry (Nov 7, 2013)

Hi PBEar, yes I have tried to explain without making any excuses. He was really angry and didnt really want to hear what I had to say. Even now, I still try to explain to him why I did what i did, but he doesnt really want to hear it. i dont blame him. i have never once said "i dont know" to any of the mistakes i have made. I was upfront with him on why i did what i did.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what did you tell him about taking birth control behind his back?

C


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## Very_sorry (Nov 7, 2013)

When he asked about my taking birth control behind his back, I would always just deny it. It got to a point where I couldnt take it any longer and stopped taking it completely about 3 months before he found out. I couldnt continue lying to him and I did feel very guilty about what I did. But I guess the damage was already done by then. I dont know how he found out but it really doesnt matter at this stage.


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## triggerhappy (Oct 14, 2012)

Very_sorry said:


> Please be patient with me when you read this post. In order to get to the root of the problem, I believe I have to be completely honest and start from the very beginning.
> 
> My husband and I have been together for 7 years but married for 5. I have been working full time for most of the relationship and he was studying. A couple of years ago, he graduated with his degree and wanted to continue on to do his masters. Up until this point, his parents had been supporting him financially. They stopped when he started his Masters. When he started his Masters, I was working full time in a basic role and having to pay for both our daily ongoing expenses, 2 credit card debts and a car loan (mine).
> 
> ...



He's cheating.


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

He used you while he got his education and now he's dumping you.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

It sounds like you didn't trust your husband to make sound financial decisions, so you hid things from him instead. Bad on both sides. Maybe you just need to let him go. If you didn't love him enough to be honest and work together on these important life decisions, maybe he wasn't really the right one for you.

Or as triggerhappy suggests, he just used you to pay his way through school and now he's dumping you for someone else. I hope that's not the case but stranger things have happened.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Very_sorry said:


> When he asked about my taking birth control behind his back, I would always just deny it. It got to a point where I couldnt take it any longer and stopped taking it completely about 3 months before he found out. I couldnt continue lying to him and I did feel very guilty about what I did. But I guess the damage was already done by then. I dont know how he found out but it really doesnt matter at this stage.


But what did you tell him about WHY you did that? 

C


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## Very_sorry (Nov 7, 2013)

It's not that I made the decisions myself not trusting him. I was pretty much juggling financial matters on my own and didnt feel like I had anyone to talk about them. Should I have spoken to my husband anyway? Yes I should have, that was a big mistake on my part. I don't believe that he's having an affair. I think he just feels really hurt, betrayed and angry that I have done this to him. I guess the reason I have put this post up in the first place is to get some advice on how to move forward in a positive manner and make positive changes so this doesnt happen again. Am i ever going to do this again ? No I am not. I want to give my husband complete transparency on everything - bank accounts, transactions, etc.


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## Very_sorry (Nov 7, 2013)

Hi PBear, about the birth control, I told him that I took it because with just my working, we werent financially stable to have children. We were living paycheck to paycheck with no savings. I was concerned that if I had gotten sick during the pregnancy and couldn continue working, that would have just made a bad situation worse. I never said I didnt want children ever, I just didnt think it was wise to have children at that particular time. But he wasnt happy with that. All he said was that it would have all worked out and that it wouldn't have been as bad as I made it out to be.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

You made several calculated decisions to deceive your husband on both financial issues and birth control issues. I think he just has simply had enough. 

You need to address your control issues moving forward in your marriage, if it survives, or in future relationships you may have after divorce.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Very_sorry said:


> Hi PBear, about the birth control, I told him that I took it because with just my working, we werent financially stable to have children. We were living paycheck to paycheck with no savings. I was concerned that if I had gotten sick during the pregnancy and couldn continue working, that would have just made a bad situation worse. I never said I didnt want children ever, I just didnt think it was wise to have children at that particular time. But he wasnt happy with that. All he said was that it would have all worked out and that it wouldn't have been as bad as I made it out to be.


You're still not getting it. IMHO, it's not so much what you did (the birth control), it's the LIE about it. So what did you tell him about why you lied to him about it? That's why he feels he can't trust you.

C


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## Very_sorry (Nov 7, 2013)

*Barbados* - If I could ever fix my marriage after this, I dont want to have control over keeping secrets or any other decisions. I would rather just be open and honest about everything that was going on. I have carried alot of guilt with me and I have put myself in my husband's shoes and I would have probably reacted with the same degree of anger if the shoe has been on the other foot.

*PBear* - Yes i hear you, it's about the lie more than the actual act. Honestly, I was just scared to tell him the truth. I told him I lied to him because he had said prior that if he ever found out I was on birth control, that would be a deal breaker for him. I didnt know what else to do and didnt feel i could speak to anyone else about it. I have stopped it now, but it's too late I guess as the damage has already been done and there's no turning back.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what it boils down to now is that when you agree to do something important to him (like not be on birth control), he can't trust that you will honor it. And that you'll just do what you think is right or required without talking to him, and lie about it to him. 

You've got a tough road to travel to try to get him back... Sorry, but that's the way I see it. Apologizing and promising not to do it again won't work, because he knows that in the past, you've promised him one thing and done another. So why would he count on the future to be any different?

C


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## Very_sorry (Nov 7, 2013)

*Re: Husband wants a divorce because of financial decisions I made...Please help.*

Yes he cant trust that I will honor it and he's probably thinking that there are other things that I am keeping from him. I feel like I have hit rock bottom and I can't possibly go any lower. I never said that the road to get him back was going to be easy. At this stage, he's not even interested in talking about this really. But what am I supposed to do ? Just say sorry and walk away from the marriage altogether ? I dont want to do that. I cannot take away what has happened in the past, I can only make sure that these issues dont come up again in the future.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

*Re: Husband wants a divorce because of financial decisions I made...Please help.*



Very_sorry said:


> Yes he cant trust that I will honor it and he's probably thinking that there are other things that I am keeping from him. I feel like I have hit rock bottom and I can't possibly go any lower. I never said that the road to get him back was going to be easy. At this stage, he's not even interested in talking about this really. But what am I supposed to do ? Just say sorry and walk away from the marriage altogether ? I dont want to do that. I cannot take away what has happened in the past, I can only make sure that these issues dont come up again in the future.


To me, it seems your only real hope is to start working at fixing yourself. Most likely through individual counselling. Then don't brag or push that information on him; you can't do this to "get him back". You have to do it for yourself, because that's the only way any changes will stick. When (or if) you get a chance to communicate later, hopefully your "new and improved" you will shine through. 

C


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## Very_sorry (Nov 7, 2013)

*PBear: *Yes i agree with you, that's why I have been seeing a counsellor/psychologist once a week to work through some of the issues that have stemmed from this. Of course I am willing to make the necessary changes to improve myself so that I never do this again. I do worry that it may be too late and I guess I have no one else to blame but myself. I wouldnt be taking these steps if I didnt want this marriage. It would be easier to walk away, which is what my husband is doing. Despite everything, I do value my marriage and my husband and couldnt imagine a life without him in it. He is my whole world.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Very Sorry, I am not excusing what you did, but it also appears to me that your H was expecting an awful lot from you.

1. You had to work and support the two of you while he went to school. He didn't contribute at all (except through his parents) especially when he was going for his masters and before that you were still completely responsible for your own finances.

2. You were expected to continue to support him and be available to get pregnant. It didn't seem to matter to him that YOU didn't want to yet. He is the one that was dictating this and also that you could not go on the pill, even if it is what you wanted to do - for a while, until he got done with school.

As I said, I am not excusing you, but I also do not think you are the only one to blame here. In my opinion, he is just as much to blame. He is a selfish, self-indulgent man. And he is proving this by being so self righteous and judgmental towards you, shifting all the blame and being so unforgiving.

I know you are hurt, but you now have the chance to find someone that could actually be a partner with you, not just a taker.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The first step is to stop calling them mistakes. These were choices.


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## Very_sorry (Nov 7, 2013)

*JustHer: *I take full responsibility for my actions. At the end of the day, keeping secrets is never a good thing to do. I made a choice to make those decisions without him which was the wrong thing to do. Despit everything that has happened, I dont wish to give up on my marriage. I do want to fix things. I guess I have to start with myself. I didnt get married to walk away when times are tough. I could never do the things I did ever again, but I'm not sure if Im too late. I guess only time will tell.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Sometimes it just is...too late. 

I think it's time to figure out your Plan B.... so that this doesn't crush you too much. Take a breath, step back and realize that he isn't coming back.... for whatever reasons. You've learned alot from this, and you should be able to move on and eventually have a very transparent relationship with him or someone else. 

He may or may not come around. I think you were justified in all the things you did.... even taking birth control. I don't think anyone else should dictate that a woman can NOT take birth control. I get that it's the lies that hurt him. 

All you can do is give him space, let him figure out if he wants to come back or not. I'd stop talking to him about it. Unless he brings it up, then I'd suggest marriage counseling with him.... a third party who can help improve communication and transparency.

I wouldn't file for divorce.... if he wants it, he'll file. If he goes about his business for a long time without filing, then I'd file when it's convenient for me, not for him. 

Take care of yourself, give it some time.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

So this guy isnt contributing financially, wasnt paying attention to the financial state of the marriage, didnt want you taking birth control while he was living off of your income and you remained responsible for taking care of all of the debt.

Have I got that right? And now he wants a divorce?

This guy is doing you a favor.

Talk a bit more about your relationship outside of the context of these events.


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## Tom Tybee (Sep 5, 2013)

yes, what Deejo said.

Your hubby is a "baby" and was not willing to work with you and adult responsibilities. You weren't fully honest with him, but he was not prepared to listen to discussions about adult responsibilities. Don't beat yourself up so much.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Very_sorry said:


> *JustHer: *I take full responsibility for my actions. At the end of the day, keeping secrets is never a good thing to do. I made a choice to make those decisions without him which was the wrong thing to do. Despit everything that has happened, I dont wish to give up on my marriage. I do want to fix things. I guess I have to start with myself. I didnt get married to walk away when times are tough. I could never do the things I did ever again, but I'm not sure if Im too late. I guess only time will tell.


Very Sorry, I understand where you are coming from. It is apparent you dearly love your H. The problem I see though is that if you two do get back together and he doesn't accept his part in this - you take all the blame. That is what the rest of your marriage will be like. Him dictating to you (when you will work, how many kids you will have, etc.) and you taking the blame every time something doesn't go his way.

I think it is admirable of you to accept what you did and own up to it, I am just concerned that he won't do the same.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Your husband has very selfishly made you take full responsibility.
based on your post, I don't like him.


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

You *and your husband *have communication issues, but he has chosen to abandon the marriage rather than work on it. All of the "mistakes" you made are defensible, in fact I personally agree with your thinking.

Your husband's attitude seems to be his way or the highway. You sound like a terrific woman who will have no problem finding someone who appreciates her. Stop blaming yourself, tell him goodbye and do the 180.


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## Very_sorry (Nov 7, 2013)

Thank you to everyone who has shared their thoughts and opinions with me, I really do appreciate it. The reason why I am still holding on / wanting to fix the issue is because despite everything I do take my marriage vows seriously - for better or for worse right ? I still absolutely love my husband and could not imagine my life without him. Throughout this ordeal, I have never once thought that I should pack up and walk away. Im still holding on that I could get through to him I guess - without me constantly bringing up the topic. Some say it's too late..... I have never had an affair, drug problems, addicitions, etc. Does that not matter at all?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

WHY do you love him? How does he show that he loves you?

You haven't talked much about how the two of you interact aside from this issue.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I don't understand why some people in this thread thinks the decisions are defensible -- lying to your spouse about finances is never defensible, unless you have some reason to fear abuse from them over it, in which case the right answer is to get away. Similarly, the contraception decision might be defensible if he was somehow refusing to let her use it otherwise (which, again, would be a red flag and a reason to get away), but if it's just a matter of him wanting it and her not, she has to be a grown-up and tell him that she's not ready and she's going to keep using contraception. No one here is suggesting she should be forced to bear a child, it's the honesty that's the issue. And all the covering up about finances makes me wonder if there isn't more financial dishonesty behind all this, e.g. how did she keep getting into these pinches in the first place? It sounds like a pattern of behavior.


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

No one is saying that lying to your spouse is defensible. The OP and her husband have major communication problems and the OP seems like the type to lie to avoid conflict or confrontation. 

That said, the husband seems like a real azz. The OP is struggling to pay all of their bills and the husband seems nonchalate about it as long as he can continue his education, until there is a problem. At least that's how its being presented here. 

OP, did you tell your husband that you were having issues meeting the bills? This seems the result of compound issues. 1).The husband expects to be supported 2) The OP agrees to support her husband, but is having trouble doing so. 3) husband is nonchalant about finances until there is a problem, then turns critical of the OP even though she is the one paying for everything. 4) husband stupidly insists on getting pregnant even though he is not contributing anything, and they can barely meet their expenses. 5) OP does not effectively communicate with her husband about these issues, and fails to put her foot down about not getting pregnant. Instead she lies about major issues. 6) Husband wants a divorce. 

I would say poor communication on both sides led to this. The OP lying made a bad situation much worse. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Very_sorry (Nov 7, 2013)

From the very beginning, I made it clear that my salary was just enough to support 1 person, not 2 people. We didnt sit down and discuss it (obviosuly we should have) but his parents told him they werent supporting him, and that I had to do it. So i was just pretty much told I had to do it. Thats why I started taking on whatever overtime there was on the weekends to bring more $ in. So yeah probably poor communication is a big part of this I agree.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Very_sorry said:


> From the very beginning, I made it clear that my salary was just enough to support 1 person, not 2 people. We didnt sit down and discuss it (obviosuly we should have) but his parents told him they werent supporting him, and that I had to do it. So i was just pretty much told I had to do it. Thats why I started taking on whatever overtime there was on the weekends to bring more $ in. So yeah probably poor communication is a big part of this I agree.


Your H is a child and has gone back to the security of mommy and daddy. You were in charge of taking care of him after they dumped it on you and you tried. You made a mistake or two, but we are not talking infidelity, we are talking the household bills.
YOU HANDLED THE PRESSURE TERRIBLY, AND HE WAS ZERO HELP, and was content allowing yo to play the parent role. Now he can't feel safe with you being his mommy and he went back to his real one.
I know you messed up, but I would move on if it was me. He is a baby.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

About the birth control.

You were of course wrong about taking it and lying about it.

However, you have every right to your belief that this is not the time for you to get pregnant. You are not only the sole financial support, but your husband is not even living with you. His expectations that you get pregnant under these circumstances are unreasonable.

Do not ever put yourself in the position to get pregnant when you are not ready to do it.

On this topic, you can apologize for lying about taking the pill. But do not apologize for not wanting to get pregnant under the current circumstances. Instead just get strong and tell him that when the two of you are living together and he is earning a living you will feel secure enough to be pregnant. Until then you are not having a baby.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Husband wants a divorce because of financial decisions I made...Please help.*



Very_sorry said:


> Yes he cant trust that I will honor it and he's probably thinking that there are other things that I am keeping from him. I feel like I have hit rock bottom and I can't possibly go any lower. I never said that the road to get him back was going to be easy. At this stage, he's not even interested in talking about this really. But what am I supposed to do ? Just say sorry and walk away from the marriage altogether ? I dont want to do that. I cannot take away what has happened in the past, I can only make sure that these issues dont come up again in the future.


He is still in school. As soon as he realizes that his parents are not going to support him he will be back so that you can pay his bills. This is a guy who is using you to get through school. After all, he’d have to get a job and put himself through school if he divorces you.

Up until now he has lived 4 hours way. So your marriage has consisted of occasional visits with you working full time to support him and his education dream. I'm not sure what you were getting out of this marriage.

How are his tuition and living expenses being paid? Are you paying for these? Or is he taking out student loans?

Up until now he has left your with 100% financial responsibility to earn the money and to find out how to pay the bills. Your decisions to get the loan and to use the $2000 to pay bills are sound decisions.

Could you have covered the bills without the car loan and using the $2000? To me it sounds like you really had no choice because of the position your husband has put you in.

How much interest has he shown in taking responsibility for making sure that the bills are paid?

If there is any chance of saving this marriage the two of you need to get into marriage counseling. This is not a case of you being the bad guy. You made unilateral decisions about the finances because you have unilateral responsibility for earning the income and paying the bills. There needs to be a balance.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Very_sorry said:


> From the very beginning, I made it clear that my salary was just enough to support 1 person, not 2 people. We didnt sit down and discuss it (obviosuly we should have) but his parents told him they werent supporting him, and that I had to do it. So i was just pretty much told I had to do it. Thats why I started taking on whatever overtime there was on the weekends to bring more $ in. So yeah probably poor communication is a big part of this I agree.


So your husband made a unilateral decision in deciding to force you to support him.

Why is this huge unilateral decision of his ok but you making unilateral decisions to do what you had to do to pay the bills not OK?

Please explain.


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

You are not even living together??? OP, why did you agree to this arangement? What on earth are you getting out of it? If he isn't living with you, how is he meeting any if your needs? Seems like all he does is take your money. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

So, from what I read your husband gets married, still takes money from his parents; has his wife work and apparently handle the finances, and he is mad that you made some financial decisions.

Well, from what I see, you made financial decisions. If he is so responsble, he should have took care of the finances himself. 

Only mistake I see is that you spent money he thought should have been put away for a rainy day. You should not have spent that money without his consent. 

Now, is this reason for divorce? Hell no. Something else is going on here! This is the man that if he loves you should be willing to give his life for you! But, instead he acts like a selfish spoiled brat. Cannot for the life of me understand how his parents would support him once he got married - that’s part of the problem here - he is spoiled and selfish. His parents are partly to blame in my opinion. You married a child.

If he divorces you for this, then he never loved you and you will be better off in the long run. Good luck to you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Aspydad said:


> Only mistake I see is that you spent money he thought should have been put away for a rainy day. You should not have spent that money without his consent.


I agree with your post. However I would like to elaborate a bit more on this way I see this one topic.

It could be argued that she spent the money exactly as he said he wanted it to be spent.

If she needed that money to pay the current bills... then it is already a rainy day.

She told him when they got married that she could not support 2 people on her income. But he unilaterally decided to not bring in any income. He forced her hand as it's unreasonable for him to expect that she put $2000 in savings and not pay $2000 in current bill obligations.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Very_sorry,

How are you doing today? Are you still reading here? I hope so as the more recent replies are very different from the first ones that were given before you elaborated more on your situation.


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## Very_sorry (Nov 7, 2013)

Hi everyone, I have been faithfully reading all your comments everyday and I'd like to say thank you to all of you for them. I think I should clairfy a couple of issues. I was financially supporting us for about 18 months while my husband did his masters. during this time, we were living together in a rental unit. In april this year, he got a permenant full time job in a city 4 hours from where we are now. He would work there Mondays-Fridays and drive home Friday night to spend the weekend with me. Since this unfolded, he has been going back to his parents every weekend instead of coming home to me. I miss him terribly but dont want to force him to come home right now if thats not what he wants. I would just like to say that I still want this marriage very much and I dearly love my husband. I would never lie to him ever again but at this stage I would just like to know how to bring him back as he keeps saying he wants a divorce. The other issue that my husband has with me is that he says i;m always cranky, stressed, rude, say hurtful things to him which was true. I guess i am a worrier by nature and cant really take things easy. I have been seeing a counsellor to handle some of these issues. I dont know what to do now. I cant force him to come back if he doesnt want to. But i miss him. Hes my husband. I have never asked for any help to pay off my loans - I have always done it all on my own.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How many long term boyfriends did you have before you met your husband?

What caused those relationships to end?

If your husband wants a divorce, does he expect you to file and take care of all the arrangements?

He has a job now. How much is he making in comparison to you?

Is he contributing to your household expenses?

Do you pay the cell phone bill? Check and see the numbers that he calls. Order a call log from the service provider.

How old are you?



> he says i;m always cranky, stressed, rude, say hurtful things to him which was true. I guess i am a worrier by nature and cant really take things easy.


Why do you think you are so anxious?


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## Very_sorry (Nov 7, 2013)

I had just 1 long term r/ship (3 years) before my husband. That relationship ended when I met my husband. 

I guess if he expects a divorce, he will file and take care of the arrangements ?

I earn alot more than he does, probably because i have been working alot longer than he has.

He has never contributed to the household bills as he was never working. When he got his job and moved, he paid for all the expenses at his other place and I took care of all the expenses for here.

I am 29. I believe i am anxious as I am worried that we will run out of $ and have no savings and will not be able to get out of this as we cant really rely on anyone but ourselves.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Very_sorry said:


> I had just 1 long term r/ship (3 years) before my husband. That relationship ended when I met my husband.
> 
> I guess if he expects a divorce, he will file and take care of the arrangements?


If you want to wait for him to file then do that. 

Once he files for divorce you will be served with the divorce. Then you will have about 30 days to respond. You will then need to hire an attorney to represent you.

Alternative ways to do this is for the two of you to use a mediator or to do the divorce yourself.




Very_sorry said:


> I earn alot more than he does, probably because i have been working alot longer than he has.
> 
> He has never contributed to the household bills as he was never working. When he got his job and moved, he paid for all the expenses at his other place and I took care of all the expenses for here.


Did he show you everything about his finances? Do you have access to all of his accounts? Does he ask you before he spends any money and pays any bills?


Very_sorry said:


> I am 29. I believe i am anxious as I am worried that we will run out of $ and have no savings and will not be able to get out of this as we cant really rely on anyone but ourselves.


Have two homes does not make much sense. 

How long has he been working/living in the city he moved to?

Was there every any plan for you to move with him?


How long have you been married?


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

The only thing you can do at this point is to keep doing what you are already doing. Give him his space, and keep working on yourself. If you are cranky, learn how to be more positive. When he finally does want to talk to you, try to be more upbeat. The thing about worrying all the time, you exert a lot of energy, but never solve the problems.

As for your finances, just keep plugging forward with your own bills and doing the best you can. Don't worry about his finances, he is a big boy and can take care of the that himself.


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## Very_sorry (Nov 7, 2013)

I have been working on myself, making a big effort to not get angry, to not react, to stay calm, think positive and all of that. There have been setbacks since this unfolded and I have just been trying to think posiitive things and keep calm most importantly. 

I am now just trying to make sure that my husband can see that I am not a bad person and that I am capable of change. He doesnt believe that I can change. I guess thats because my past actions have dictated that, which is not good.

I really do care about my husband and my marriage and I do not want a divorce. I really just want to work this out and move forward in a positive manner. If I didnt think I was capable of change, I would not be sitting here trying to make all these improvements.


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## Very_sorry (Nov 7, 2013)

I honestly do not believe that my husband is cheating. I know that I have said time and time again that I want to save my marriage but I also have my deal breakers. If I thought that my husband was cheating, or in trouble with the law or had some sort of addictions, I wouldnt stay in this marriage. I would pretty much just pack up and leave.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Very_sorry said:


> I honestly do not believe that my husband is cheating. I know that I have said time and time again that I want to save my marriage but I also have my deal breakers. If I thought that my husband was cheating, or in trouble with the law or had some sort of addictions, I wouldnt stay in this marriage. I would pretty much just pack up and leave.


Do you have access to his cell phone bill? If you do see if he has been calling and texting one particular number a lot.

Otherwise, it sounds like you have no access to anything of his. He has not lived with you for months. That was his first step of moving out. Now he's finalized it by staying at his parent's house on weekends.

Why does he come back to your town on weekends? Now that he says he wants a divorce, why doesn't he stay in his place in the other town?

All you can do right now is to get on with your life. Work on being the best person you can be.

By the way, you did not answer my question.. has he shared everything about where his money goes, his bills, etc now that he has an income? Could you please answer this?


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## triggerhappy (Oct 14, 2012)

The bottom line is that the things you lied about aren't that big enough of a deal for him to want to divorce you over. You're supporting him 100%, so what does he care how you pay the bills so long as you're paying them? and about the birth control pills.... it's your body, your decision. Here you are drowning in debt, and on top of it all he wants to impregnate you, the sole provider. I wonder how he would've handled it if you wanted to leave work to care for your child. He doesn't seem like the type of guy that would gladly shift financial roles so readily. He seems selfish. What I could see happening after you had a baby is him dumping you, after he's graduated school, leaving you stuck with debt and bills to pay and a child to support, while he goes on to start a brand new life and career.. 


He was OBVIOUSLY looking for an excuse to dump you. It seems kind of dumb to dump someone because they were paying F N bills.


He sounds like a real tool.


God, what the F happened to real men?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Very_sorry,

How much of the debt you are dealing with stems from the time that he was in school? How much of that money went to support him, his tuition, etc?

I agree with others in that it looks like he used you to get through his MA/MS. Now that he has his masters he does not need you anymore. He has his own place and his own income.

All the things he says are a smoke screen to justify him leaving you.
I had the same thing happen to me some years ago.

My son’s father is a physician. I supported him through medical school and residency. He came out this with absolutely no debt at all. The month he finished his residency he announced that he was divorcing me.

What I have found out since is that most marriage end in divorce when one spouse gets a higher degree. This is especially true when one spouse supports the other financially through their degree. It’s just very common for these people who use someone else to achieve their education goal and then to dump them. One of the main reasons is that once they have their degree, they feel superior to the spouse who put them through school. They now feel that they married ‘down’.

I’m sorry that this happened to you. I know how rotten it is since I went through it.

Please stop apologizing for you did to pay bills that were over your head. And stop apologizing for protecting yourself from getting pregnant when it was, in reality, a very bad time to get pregnant.

If there is any chance at all that you can get him back, this apologizing and begging is not going to get him back. If you stand up to him and stand by the reality that he is downright lucky to have a woman who paid his bills and supported him you might have a chance. Why? Because if you do this you are showing him that you are a woman of value. 

To be honest, he does not deserve a loyal, hard working woman like you.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

triggerhappy said:


> The bottom line is that the things you lied about aren't that big enough of a deal for him to want to divorce you over. You're supporting him 100%, so what does he care how you pay the bills so long as you're paying them? and about the birth control pills.... it's your body, your decision. Here you are drowning in debt, and on top of it all he wants to impregnate you, the sole provider. I wonder how he would've handled it if you wanted to leave work to care for your child. He doesn't seem like the type of guy that would gladly shift financial roles so readily. He seems selfish. What I could see happening after you had a baby is him dumping you, after he's graduated school, leaving you stuck with debt and bills to pay and a child to support, while he goes on to start a brand new life and career..
> 
> 
> He was OBVIOUSLY looking for an excuse to dump you. It seems kind of dumb to dump someone because they were paying F N bills.
> ...


I guess,I should have divorced my wife many years ago with her hiding,massive credit card debt from me.If your husband
wants a divorce let him do the work and pay for it.

He has never grown up as he has lived off of you and 
his mommy and daddy all these years.I wonder if you did
get pregnant and he had to pay child support,would
he divorce you.

You are responsible,hard working and giving.Many 
decent males would love to have a lady like you.

Your husband is not marriage material IMO as
marriage has many ups and downs.Your husband
couldn't even care about your finances and left
it all on your shoulders.You don't need him as
you have been doing it all on your own.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

Veryy-Sorry,

If I were you, I would do a full credit check on your husband and you. Hopefully, yuo have his social security number. For all you know, he has ran up debt without your knowledge.

From what you have said about your husband, I do not trust him at all. 

I truly am sorry for what your going through. As someone else said on this thread, you have to just keep moving forward - just make sure you do it with your eyes open.


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## Very_sorry (Nov 7, 2013)

Hi there, I do not have any access to any of his accounts as he really wasnt earning $ until april this year. The government here pays for the study loans in advance and you pretty much start paying them back over a period of years when you start working. The only loans i took out were for ongoing expenses, not school fees. The total of the loans came up to $7,000 which I have been paying off every month without relying on anyone. I have never missed a payment at all. I guess my husband does have a higher degree than I do but I believe the reason why I am earning more than him is because I started working years earlier than he did. I have been in my industry for nearly a decade now.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

I only read the opening post, but here is my opinion:

Overall, your husband is feeling insignificant and sidelined in the important decisions of the house. I don't blame him for that, but since we only have your side of the story, it appears that he would be making bad financial decisions anyway (IMO) and perhaps you two are not very financially compatible.

What you call Mistake #1 -was not really a mistake, imo. The refinance was a smart decision, as you will get a tax benefit for deducting your mortgage interest, whereas you do not get to deduct interest on a car loan. In addition, if you pay more towards your refi loan and pay it off quicker that will be the best thing.

Mistake #2 and #3 - You should have been forthright with him about not wanting kids. He deserves to know that (every person does). It is cruel to withhold that information in order to keep someone in a relationship with you, when you both want different things out of life. We do not live forever, and you both need the time to move on to what you really want in life.

Mistake #4 - I also feel that paying off bills with the extra money was a sound financial move. Any financial adviser will tell you to use your money to pay off your debt before spending it on anything other than the essentials to survive. Once you are debt-free, then you can spend it. 

Again, I think you were being financially smart, and he was not. Your intentions seem to be to get out of debt, rather than taking on new debt. Perhaps you two are just not compatible in that area. He also probably needs a reminder that once you divorce, all assets and all debt is divided in half. So even if only your name is on the debt right now, it will be redistributed and he will still be responsible for half of it, and then he can decide on his own what he thinks is the best way to pay it off.


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## Very_sorry (Nov 7, 2013)

I do honestly feel like I have made us financially "incompatible" as I was never upfront and honest with him. Even now, I am still hoping that we can fix this and move forward. Do I ever intend to make financial decisions in the future without him ? No i dont. Do I want to keep secrets from him? No I dont want that either. I dont want him to feel insignificant and sidelined. if he had done that to me, I believe I would have been beyond mad too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Very_sorry said:


> Hi there, I do not have any access to any of his accounts as he really wasnt earning $ until april this year.


So he has been earning for about 6 months. He has not shared anything about his finances with you. But he wants you to let him tell you what to do with your finances? 

This is a classic case of him feeling that what is his is his and what is yours if his.



Very_sorry said:


> The government here pays for the study loans in advance and you pretty much start paying them back over a period of years when you start working.


I don’t know what country you are in. Here is the USA it works the same way. Did your husband take out student loans when he was in school?



Very_sorry said:


> The only loans i took out were for ongoing expenses, not school fees. The total of the loans came up to $7,000 which I have been paying off every month without relying on anyone. I have never missed a payment at all. I guess my husband does have a higher degree than I do but I believe the reason why I am earning more than him is because I started working years earlier than he did. I have been in my industry for nearly a decade now.


So you are being financially responsible. You took out loans to support the two of you while he was in school. But now you are stuck with that debit. This is very mean spirited of him.



Very_sorry said:


> I do honestly feel like I have made us financially "incompatible" as I was never upfront and honest with him. Even now, I am still hoping that we can fix this and move forward. Do I ever intend to make financial decisions in the future without him ? No i dont.


Would you please stop beating yourself up about this? Your husband decided on his own to go to school and put all of the financial burden on you. You did what you had to do to keep the bills paid so that he can finish school.

When he got his job, did he did not include you in financial decisions, did he? He does not have you on his accounts. Now that he’s settled in his job, he looked for any excuse he could find to dump you.


Very_sorry said:


> Do I ever intend to make financial decisions in the future without him ? No i dont. Do I want to keep secrets from him? No I dont want that either. I dont want him to feel insignificant and sidelined. if he had done that to me, I believe I would have been beyond mad too.


He made the decision to continue his education on his own.

He keeps his finances secret from you.

Why are you not upset at him for having secrets from you and him making decisions without you?


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## Very_sorry (Nov 7, 2013)

*EleGirl:* In all honesty, at this stage, Im not sure it matters whether or not he has kept his finances a secret. I feel so bad and guilty about everything that has happened and thats why I keep beating myself up. I think deep down, I feel like my husband would have never done the things i have done. He has always been an upfront honest man and says it like it is. At this stage, I am beyond terrified that I am going to lose my marriage over this. It would be easier to just walk away from this altogether and say its over. I still value my husband and my marriage. I love him dearly and he is my whole world. I cant force him to do anything or change his mind. This is beyond stressful for me as my husband chooses to go home to his parents instead of coming home to me to talk about what has happened. I understand that I have to give him time to come to terms with what has happened, but I am worried the more time that goes by, the worse it's going to be for us. I am not sure how to go about coping with this. I can't imagine a life without my husband in it. I just want to be a better wife and have an open honest relationship with him and not keep any secrets. I want to be an open book.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Very Sorry, if it makes you feel better, write him a letter. Keep it simple and to the point, but state how sorry you are, how much you love him and that you would like to have another chance. After that, there really is not much else you can do.


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## Vaya Con Dios (Aug 20, 2012)

Very_sorry said:


> *EleGirl:* In all honesty, at this stage, Im not sure it matters whether or not he has kept his finances a secret. I feel so bad and guilty about everything that has happened and thats why I keep beating myself up. I think deep down, I feel like my husband would have never done the things i have done. He has always been an upfront honest man and says it like it is. At this stage, I am beyond terrified that I am going to lose my marriage over this. It would be easier to just walk away from this altogether and say its over. I still value my husband and my marriage. I love him dearly and he is my whole world. I cant force him to do anything or change his mind. This is beyond stressful for me as my husband chooses to go home to his parents instead of coming home to me to talk about what has happened. I understand that I have to give him time to come to terms with what has happened, but I am worried the more time that goes by, the worse it's going to be for us. I am not sure how to go about coping with this. I can't imagine a life without my husband in it. I just want to be a better wife and have an open honest relationship with him and not keep any secrets. I want to be an open book.


Sometimes things are just 'over' and nothing can be done.
I read your initial post and TBH I think you handled your situation well.
You list mistakes 1-4..I don't see any mistakes you were just being pragmatic.
Lying about birth control is obviously a no no,

It's your life you shouldn't have to lie.
In this case it was the right decision.
Just her...has made a good comment you should listen to the advise.
I really hope you find the answers you need.


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

triggerhappy said:


> The bottom line is that the things you lied about aren't that big enough of a deal for him to want to divorce you over. You're supporting him 100%, so what does he care how you pay the bills so long as you're paying them? and about the birth control pills.... it's your body, your decision. Here you are drowning in debt, and on top of it all he wants to impregnate you, the sole provider. I wonder how he would've handled it if you wanted to leave work to care for your child. He doesn't seem like the type of guy that would gladly shift financial roles so readily. He seems selfish. What I could see happening after you had a baby is him dumping you, after he's graduated school, leaving you stuck with debt and bills to pay and a child to support, while he goes on to start a brand new life and career..
> 
> 
> He was OBVIOUSLY looking for an excuse to dump you. It seems kind of dumb to dump someone because they were paying F N bills.


Fully agree... He uses that as an excuse and masks the real reason why he wants a divorce...

However, he doesn't want to look like a bad guy - so, he is putting blame on you...


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> So this guy isnt contributing financially, wasnt paying attention to the financial state of the marriage, didnt want you taking birth control while he was living off of your income and you remained responsible for taking care of all of the debt.
> 
> Have I got that right? And now he wants a divorce?
> 
> ...


this is an over simplification.

she should have comunicated that she was not comfortable with the possibility of have children and the true state of their finances. and that if it continues they would be having trouble. 

to just good along for the ride and then in hind sight say what you said is just as wrong.

its called blame shifting.


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## Very_sorry (Nov 7, 2013)

So, moving forward, what do you reckon I should do ? Just forget about it all and just walk away ? Or try to save this marriage no matter what ? I dont want to shift the blame to him or me or analyse why he hasnt disclosed certain things to me. Blame shifting is the last thing I want to do. I genuinely dont believe that matters anymore if we want to move foreard. Whats that saying again, causes not culprits ? Is there no hope for us to move forward in this ?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

lay it all out there.

tell him you want to talk about your marriage and the possibility of saving it.

write down the things that ...in your mind caused you to act the way you did.

explain that you want an open honest relationship where both partners communicate and compromise to find a solution that is best for your long term goals.

act remorseful for your indiscretions and ask for MC so he can also put his best foot forward to building a strong marriage.

if he is stubborn and refuses to try not much more you can do.

can I ask why you want to save the marriage? not to sound flip but what is the reason you want to try so hard?

what do you love about him?

are you just scared of being by yourself? If he doesn't start being open with his earning and showing good faith in healing your marriage I would call it a day.

all you can do is apoligise and put it out there for him. if he is interested in staying married he wil respond and try if not there is your answer.

I have to say there does seem to be some fundamental differences in you guys and maybe the gap is just to big to overcome them for your marriage to work.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Very_sorry said:


> So, moving forward, what do you reckon I should do ? Just forget about it all and just walk away ? Or try to save this marriage no matter what ? I dont want to shift the blame to him or me or analyse why he hasnt disclosed certain things to me. Blame shifting is the last thing I want to do. I genuinely dont believe that matters anymore if we want to move foreard. Whats that saying again, causes not culprits ? Is there no hope for us to move forward in this ?


I don't think you understand what people are trying to do here. We are not talking about blame shifting.

If you do get back with your husband you two are going to have to completely remake your marriage. It was not working as it was. So now you need to determine what will need to change. If you take all the blame and only look at your own issues here, a reconciliation will not work.

Realizing that he too has being keeping financial information secret tell us that that there is a problem with financial transparency in your relationship. You BOTH have not been open about finances. Any fix to your marriage that works is going to have to include both of you being 100% transparent and working together on your finances. It might mean a joint account where the two of you put all of your income and then all savings and bills are paid directly from that joint account.

See you never have to say anything to him about him not being financially transparent. All you need to is to present a solution that includes both of you being transparent and working together.

The topic of birth control is a different issue of course.. I need to get to work this morning so I don't have time address it further here at the moment.


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## ebsis1971 (Nov 4, 2013)

Hi,
i am very sorry that you are going through this. i can only imagine the pain that you are experiencing.

please, please stop blaming yourself. this is not your fault in no way. could he have gotten a part time job while going to school? did he ever once ask you how you were making out with handling everything on your own? did you have to cook and clean as well?

i agree with the others when they say that this is in no way grounds for divorce. this is a little extreme when all you were trying to do was keep yours and his financial situation stable.

maybe he is not cheating but he is showing all of the signs that he is just not wanting to be in this marriage anymore. When you love someone you fight for them. when there are problems, you work through them. running is not an option.

he really needs to grow up. it would be great if you guys could work this out but if not, i feel like this may be a blessing to you.

stay strong!!


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## DeusEx (Mar 7, 2013)

I thinlk OP has a problem with her self esteem since she bashes herself so much for such reletevely small lies(we saw far worse lies here) and needs to seek help to boost it up. 

From your posts I don't really see how are you benefiting from this marriage. From what I see he used you financely to go through his school and wanted you pregnant so you would stay with him for the kid in case things went bad for him. And now when he has a job he doesn't have to rely on you compelety and feels pretty comfortable(and probabbly very proud for supporting himself for the first time in his life). And now he has a 'valid' reason for dumping you and making you the bad guy...uh... girl... whatever.

You may say you still love and care for him, but we the 3rd party can see your situation clearly(from what you posted) while you are seeing it throuh a fog(affair fog, marriage fog, etc.). People who are in a marriage fog see their SO as almost perfect human beings who would do no harm to them and always be there for them until proven otherwise(mostly by the same SO). And IF you do divorce him after the fog has lifted you will realise that those were really stupid and little reasons for divorce. I know that none in my family nor me would divorce for such little things.


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## Feeling-Lonely (Nov 13, 2013)

If the OP is around can you tell us how did it work out? Did you go through with divorce? I have to admit I think he is not being honest here and possibly have other woman. I know you lied but he wasn't helping you (both of you) financially and didn't seem to be interested. 

I have not lied but have kept some info about my student loans to myself and I think I have right to do it since we have separate finances. My loan is in a different bank overseas and I have not discussed small details about the interest increasing due to my not graduating but transferring my credits to college here.

He knows about 95% of the info and I have about $3.00 that I will have to pay extra now when things have changed. 

The loan is small, I have more than half of the loan money set aside and I just bought a car, so I am in a pretty good shape financially. 

This post made me think if not telling is the same as lying.. 
I would definitely tell him if it was his concern, I pay bills and buy food and my student loan is from my past and I want to deal with it myself.


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## CouldItBeSo (Mar 11, 2013)

Very_sorry said:


> Please be patient with me when you read this post. In order to get to the root of the problem, I believe I have to be completely honest and start from the very beginning.
> 
> My husband and I have been together for 7 years but married for 5. I have been working full time for most of the relationship and he was studying. A couple of years ago, he graduated with his degree and wanted to continue on to do his masters. Up until this point, his parents had been supporting him financially. They stopped when he started his Masters. When he started his Masters, I was working full time in a basic role and having to pay for both our daily ongoing expenses, 2 credit card debts and a car loan (mine).
> 
> ...


Basically you have been paying his education up to masters and this is how he thanks for it... He sounds like a user to me. Your "mistakes" are not that bad to divorce over especially since you were the one who paid for everything. Have you though about that maybe he was planning doing this the whole time after he graduated?


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## The Grey One (Dec 9, 2013)

Seems to me that he's been taking advantage of you, letting you take care of him (the same way his parents were), and now that he's soon to graduate, is taking the excuse to leave.

That said, you were anything but honest. You lied to him, deceived him, and cheated him out of what he wanted (ie: taking BC without telling him).

Neither of you are really in any sort of good place here. If you two are willing to admit that neither of you have been doing the marriage thing right, then perhaps, just perhaps, you'll be able to make it work.

The #1 thing is that he needs to know about major things, the same as you do. Your job might be to manage the money, but he should be in the loop when you need to do things like take out/refinance loans.

By not keeping him in the loop, you allowed him to think everything was fine, when clearly you were struggling. He may have agreed and understood that children weren't feasible while he was in school, if he had've known the state of the finances. Instead, by not keeping him in the loop, you put yourself in a situation where you had to deceive him in order to keep him out of the loop.

Lying, hiding and deceiving never make things easier. As hard as a conversation is going to be to have, it'll only get harder if you try to avoid it.


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