# Newlywed and unhappy. I am a positive person, he is negative.



## RachelLaura (Dec 15, 2009)

The title of this post pretty much sums it up, but I need some advice and I want to lay out all of the details. My husband and I have been together 3 years and married 6 months. I am 28, he is 29.

He is overall a pretty negative person- very anxious, anal, paranoid and with a very short temper. I am pretty positive, laid back and upbeat. We really couldn't be more opposite in those respects. You're probably wondering what I saw in him, after reading those qualities. He is also fun, outgoing, responsible and very caring and sensitive. Obviously, in the beginning of our relationship, I saw more of his good qualities than bad.

Now, I went into our marriage knowing he had these anxiety and temper issues. I went in knowing I couldn't change him. But I also thought that I could live with thse qualities, and that we actually balanced eachother out. His anal-retentiveness encouraged me to be more responsible where my positive laid back nature helps calm him down. And of course, we were in love.

Well, here I am, at the point where there are days when everything he does and says makes me cringe and makes my blood boil. Very often I have no desire to have sex with him. I am scared I am falling out of love with him. I feel like very often, all he does is complain, whine, ***** and moan. He is on my case constantly about the dumbest things- "Why did you move my socks?" "Why didnt you take the dog out on a longer walk?" Etc etc etc. He is nit-picking me to death. And not only me. We just had a huge blizzard here, and he is *****ing at our neighbors about shoveling logistics in a very unfriendly tone- people be barely know. It is really embarrassing, and we just moved here a few months ago. I want to be neighborly and here he is causing problems with our neighbors. We had had a problem in our old place where our neighbors upstairs made a lot of noise, and instead of dealing with the problem calmly, he stormed up and yelled at them, pissing them off.

He gets stressed about everything and quite often takes it out on me. I tell him I cant be his punching bag. I offered to try to help him figure out stress-coping mechanisms. But fact of the matter is, he comes home from a long day and *****es at me about the dumbest things. I am tired too, a teacher, and am dealing with emotional problems of kids all day long, and I just want to relax. Instead, he is unloading his stress on me at the end of every day. He said its been a problem all of his life- he takes out his stress on people close to him, because he knows they will always be there for him. He is a very aggressive personality, and often times, thinks that sometimes he isn't yelling, when he is. I tell him his tone wasn't nice or rude, and he disagrees.

He is so "stressed out" about everything. When in reality, we are very lucky and have no big stresses right now. We both have jobs, a house, good families, a great dog, and eachother. Thats the way I look at it. He just lets all of these little stupid everyday things stress him out- things most people can handle, but he for some reason cant. I often wonder how we are going to have kids if his stress level is already this high?- stress is going to multiply with kids. I mentioned this to him because he is really ready and excited to have kids. He claims he will be so happy to have kids that it will probably help with his stress. I doubt it.

I am scared that the root of this problem is simply his personality, which I know I cant change. I am scared that I will completely fall out of love with him. I want my marriage to work, but I feel like he is just such a downer. He is a really caring and good person, but I dont want to live my life being dragged down by him. My mother is a big whiner and completely unhappy, and my father is the complete opposite, and has the best outlook on life. I always felt badly that she was griping at him and making him miserable. I learned from my dad and always wanted to have a good attitude like him. And go figure, I marry someone just like my mom.

My husband and I have had a lot of talks. I try to explain to him how its taking a toll on me- all of the yelling and nitpicking. I am not a yeller or one for arguments. I hate it. I told him I cant be his punching bag and he cant take things out on me. He said he wants to try everything he can and that our marriage means the world to him. Quite often, he improves, but then a month later or so, he is back to his old self. I suggested therapy and anxiety medicine. He had been in anger-management therapy in the past and was willing to go to therapy. But he said he did not want to take medicine. He also said he wanted to try to work on the issues himself before going to therapy.

I just dont know what to do, or if this is a lost cause. I will probably suggest therapy soon, because it doesnt look like things are improving. We keep going in cycles. I just want to know if anyone has been here, can relate, or just has some advice for me. Thanks.


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## jonas27 (Jul 27, 2009)

Wow- when I read this it felt like I was hearing myself. I have been married less than a year and a half and Im miserable. I know my husband has depression/anxiety problems and I have done EVERYTHING to help him or try and get him help. I have hit barriers every step of the way.
I also knew some of his drawbacks when I entered the marriage but thought my positivity and outgoing nature would rub off. 
Well here I am a year and a half into this and NO progress has been made- things just get worse and worse. My friends will no longer visit my home due to how awkward it is. We sleep in different bedrooms and I feel we are roommates at best. I am always playing the peacekeeper/people pleaser. Its like I am dealing with a child. I will try and bargain with him just to get him out of the house- like what if we went to your favourite restaurant? etc. 
When I was at the same stage you are he would still be somewhat ok. Would still get together with friends occasionally, would still talk about having a family etc.
Now he also picks at everything I do. He does hardly anything around the house but if I do the dishes and he finds a spot on a plate its like he has to nail me on it. He will NOT take any medication and he used to be open to the idea of counselling and now its an absolute no. 
Not every day is a bad day and sometimes we get along great but I just can't take it anymore. For every good/fun day there are at least three bad ones. I feel like he is ruining me and my life. I love sports, going out with friends, having get togethers etc. He doesnt want any of it. So although out of my group of friends I am the only one married- I am always at functions alone cause he would rather stay home. 
I have gone to counselling to get help. I also approched his Father to help me, maybe get him into counselling or have a Father son talk to get him to see the light and nothing has worked.
I hate to say this but I plan on leaving. I know some may find that horrible and think Im a selfish b*tch but I figure Im 27, I have a good group of friends and a great personailty. If I stay any longer I will end up miserable, alone and resentful. I want a family one day and know he is not the right man to Father my children- I want my children to one day see what real love is when their parents truly care for each other. This is not a hasty decision- I have been to counselling and tried everything. I wrote him a letter spelling it out. I have given ultimatums- I have taken a 3 week break when he refused counselling and now I am just done for the sake of my happiness. Life is too short to stay when I know its just not right for me.


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## karilynn (Feb 17, 2010)

So RachelLaura - I am curious what has been happening since your last post? I, too, could have written your post, pretty much word for word as I have had the same experiences and have been married for 1.5 years and together for 4.5. I too, believed that it could all be ignored and shrugged off, so to speak. I have recently purchased a book that helped me put it into perspective somewhat titled How to Hug a Porcupine. I understand now that my husband is a porcupine but am unsure what to do about it.......


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

RachelLaura said:


> I am pretty positive, laid back and upbeat. We really couldn't be more opposite in those respects.


You say you are a positive, laid back person. but i did not get that feeling from what you said here in your other post:



RachelLaura said:


> I am currently teaching in an inner city school and I hate it. The job is making me miserable. I deal with violence, yelling, and fighting on a daily basis. It is sucking the life out of me....My job is eating away at me and making my depressed.


I am not getting the feeling that you are laid back and positive. depressed people are polar opposite of positive. im getting the feeling you are drained, hopeless, and hate where you are in life. you feel stuck, and that's rather pessimistic. there's nothing worse then feeling trapped in a miserable situation; especially if you feel there's a way out. and by that i mean pursuing the childrens book job that you want to do. but you are afraid of how your H will react if you quit your job. I think you are handling that fear by over exaggerating his negativity and building a little resentment towards him. 

so i have to wonder how all these pent up feelings you are having are affecting your H. you havent shared them with him, but rest assured that you send out your negative energy. maybe you even resent him. His nit picking at you, blowing up at the neighbors might be his way of dealing with the unsettling feeling that you resent him. 



RachelLaura said:


> My husband knows how much I hate it, but he doesnt really think my tribulations are a huge deal because hates his job as well.


You arent happy and you dont think your H cares if you are happy. His ways of dealing with stress didnt bother you in the beginning, not because you were 'in love' but because you were happy with your life. You're not happy with your life anymore and you might even feel like he's the root of it because you have told yourself that 1) he doesnt care how you feel and 2) he's stopping you from doing what you really love. That's a lot of negativity.

That's the real issue. Try not to polarize your relationship into happy spouse/mad spouse. If you logically label yourself optimistic and your spouse pessimistic, then logic follows that all your actions have to be positive, therefore you cannot be pessimistic/unhappy; so logic follows that if you are pessimistic/unhappy it must be the affliction of the pessimistic/unhappy spouse because it could not logically originate from you. It might sound nuts, but that is the delusion you are creating. but that is not the reality of yourself or your relationship. You are dynamic, as is your relationship. You are mad, unhappy, pessimistic, positive, and optimistic and you are afflicting yourself by any one of these emotions on choice. Observe how you feel and own it, instead of labeling and blaming.


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## karilynn (Feb 17, 2010)

Blanca - I enjoy your messages and think you have a lot to offer a panel like this. However, you are always talking about owning our own feelings - taking charge of our own life etc.......I completely do understand that concept, I had many years in therapy with my first marriage (18 yrs) about how to understand that we choose to feel a certain way.....BUT don't you agree that if you are around a person who is constantly controlling, depressed, overbearing, anal, negative and pessimistic....that this is going to rub off? I am all for owning my own feelings and I have become quite good at detaching but I also understand that if a person is around negative people, chances are they will be negative. If a person is around pessimistic people, they will become more pessimistic. Not to mention how much these attitudes drag a person DOWN............I guess I am in the category of believing that it is easier for a healthy person to get sick when they are around a bunch of sick people than it is for an unhealthy person to get well being around a bunch of healthy people....and when I say sick, I mean mentally sick.......in other words - stick with the winners........ Do you agree with this?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

karilynn said:


> BUT don't you agree that if you are around a person who is constantly controlling, depressed, overbearing, anal, negative and pessimistic....that this is going to rub off?


Yes it can rub off and if i hadnt read the other post i would have responded differently. but i think the root of the problem is her growing resentment because she feels stuck in a job she hates and doesnt think he'll support a job change. that's why i think his negativity has become such an issue all of a sudden.


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## lisakifttherapy (Jul 31, 2007)

You've done a good job with expressing your distress level and based on your description of the situation, it sounds like he can benefit from some individual therapy. I understand that he thinks he wants to "figure it out" on his own before that - but sometimes we can't see past our own garbage for that to be effective.

Just because he goes to therapy doesn't necessarily mean he needs to be on meds - but the therapist might make the suggestion for a medication assessment based on his symptoms. If there's a brain chemistry issue - it's not his fault!

Keep asserting your position and if the marriage is in crisis mode, he needs to be very clear on that. Anxiety, depression, etc - doesn't just impact individuals but the relationships they're in. If he gets help for himself, he's also getting help for the marriage. Perhaps you can try from that angle.


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## RachelLaura (Dec 15, 2009)

Thanks for all of the responses. I dont visit here too often, so Im sorry its been awhile. 

I have a few updates. My husband took it upon himself to see the doctor about his anxiety and is on Paxil. He has had less big freak-outs and seems to be doing a bit better. So thats a big positive.

I also did discuss my job situation with him and he was very willing to listen. There is really no update on this. I dont know what Im going to do yet and am still researching my options. To the poster who said I am resentful of him for my job situation, I'm not. I was worried about what his reaction would be, and feeling incredibly depressed and stuck in my job situation, yes. 

I also did state that I am a pretty positive and upbeat person in this post, and then in my other post state I am currently miserable in my job and its affecting me at home. I think that both can be true, dont you?? I really am overall a very "glass half full" type of person, and my husband really is a "glass half empty person." We could ask dozens of people who know us that could probably verify this. That is really what I am struggling with. I think there will always be certain situations in life that can bring us down, or lift us up, but overall we have a certain demeanor. Mine is generally pretty laid back, despite my recent (slight) depression.

The problem I am still unfortunately having is that my husband's demeanor is just such a downer so often. I unrealistically thought the Paxil would help this, but soon realized it will not change his personality- just his anxiety. It wouldnt instantly make him positive. Its really unnerving to me that its just the way he is, and I dont know what- if anything- I can do about it.

For example.... I feel as if I really work hard to organize and keep our house clean. I have no problem taking care of the cleaning. My husband is a slob and I am constantly picking up after him. I feel like if I am doing all of this work around the house to keep it tidy, then he really shouldnt put his 2 cents in about everything unless he starts helping out. If I do the work, he should just be appreciative. He is constantly nitpicking on the way I do things, yet, he doesnt lift a finger to help. 

For instance, he leaves his mail and papers scattered EVERYWHERE. The kitchen table, coffee table, our kitchen counters, etc. I always nicely ask him to put them away somewhere, but it never gets done. I have learned that if I move them myself, he freaks out on me because now he doesnt know where anything is. I am at the point where I would rather leave certain messes than deal with him giving me problems about moving something of his. I have told him countless times that if he does something with his mess, I wont HAVE to move it, and thats really the root of the problem.

He tells me even though he is disorganized, there is a method to his madness. Fine. I'm dealing with it. But we are having company over this weekend and I want the house to be clean. So today, I decided to take all of the papers on the coffee table and put them in a bin in the living room. NO BIG DEAL, right? I told him nothing was reorganized, I just took the papers from one spot and moved them all into one place so they could be put away.

Well, he wasnt happy about this. He picked up the bin, threw it on the couch and dumped all of the papers back out all over the cushions. And in a nasty tone of voice told me he doesnt like where I put the papers- they dont "belong" there. And then left the house to walk the dog- leaving the papers in a bigger mess than they had been in before. Now you think any calm and rational person would instead say to me, "thanks for cleaning, but I dont like the papers in this spot. Can you please move them?" 

I deal with several situations like this per week. I have been thinking about it, and its almost seeming to me like a respect issue. And its not just me. He gets a nasty tone on occassions with his parents and friends. It is so unattractive to me. I dont understand why he chooses to be like this. Its about the dumbest little things that I dont even care to argue about.

I could go on and on, but I just wrote a novel....... thanks for listening.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

RachelLaura said:


> Well, he wasnt happy about this. He picked up the bin, threw it on the couch and dumped all of the papers back out all over the cushions. And in a nasty tone of voice told me he doesnt like where I put the papers- they dont "belong" there. And then left the house to walk the dog- leaving the papers in a bigger mess than they had been in before.


well, i hate to admit this, but this sounds like something i would do. sometimes i talk to my H like he's an idiot child. im actually embarrassed when im acting that way, which oddly enough only fuels the behavior even more. 



RachelLaura said:


> I have learned that if I move them myself, he freaks out on me because now he doesnt know where anything is....But we are having company over this weekend and I want the house to be clean....NO BIG DEAL, right?....Now you think any calm and rational person would instead say to me, "thanks for cleaning, but I dont like the papers in this spot. Can you please move them?"


Why would he thank you for doing something he has repeatedly asked you not to do?? it kind of sounds to me like you are completely disrespecting how he feels. you moved the papers because you wanted to, and thought he should just be ok with it because you wanted it. that's how it sounds. he was pissed, and rightfully so. im not saying how he handled it was right. i freak out the same way and i know its not right. he does need to learn to communicate without being an [email protected]@. but stop moving his stuff. that's only a more socially acceptable, passive aggressive way of being an [email protected]@. he's asked you not to multiple times. so stop doing it. 

i know its frustrating. my H is a slob, too, and it drove me nuts in the beginning. but you've got to learn to let it go. it is no big deal. so treat it that way.

Again, im not saying his freak out episodes are ok. they arent and he needs to work on it. im not saying you should let him off the hook. He should apologize for acting like a child, and you should apologize for moving the papers. this is not a one-way issue. you have you're own things to work on, too.


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## RachelLaura (Dec 15, 2009)

Blanca- you're right, he is justified in being upset when I move his things. I am trying to work on it. Its hard, because I like a clean house and he doesnt care. Sometimes I feel like his messes are borderline really gross- he really is horrible with throwing things away. Balled up tissues, old earplugs, old receipts, dirty socks, random papers- everywhere. To the point where I can't even go clean the dust and doghair and whatever else is underneath it, like the table or dresser.

I told him I wanted to clean before our company came. We were using to table to eat on, and there were receipts and papers all over it. So I thought to compromise, I could take those papers and put them in a bin just for the time being- and he could take that same pile and put them back on the coffeetable aftewards. Just so I could wipe it. I needed to get under the junk to clean a table that hadn't been cleaned in over a month.

I understand I cant move his stuff, and really, Im trying. But in this situation, it was frustrating that we were having people over, and that I took one pile and moved it to a bin just to wipe off the area- and he could put it right back after the company left. Was I wrong in doing that??


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## chipmunk (Apr 7, 2010)

gosh!!! you sound like me! only thing is im marries for 3 months! gotta go...hope to talk soon!!!


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Is there an area in your home that can be dedicated to him alone and his way of organizing things? A nook somewhere, or even a computer armoire that can be closed when it needs to look "presentable" but could be his safe haven for his things? 

As for the Paxil; it can take as long as 6 months to get the full effect from a/d medications. it is also possible that this med is just not the right one for him. It's common to have to try a couple before the best "fit" is achieved. 

You two obviously have completely different ways of dealing with stress. Have you considered couples counseling? A counselor would likely be able to help you two figure out a way to communicate better than you are currently. Check your health care plan with your employer...schools especially often have an Employee Assistance Program in place where they will offer a set number of counseling sessions free to employees/dependents each year.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

RachelLaura said:


> I understand I cant move his stuff, and really, Im trying. But in this situation, it was frustrating that we were having people over, and that I took one pile and moved it to a bin just to wipe off the area- and he could put it right back after the company left. Was I wrong in doing that??


Well, that is not a clear cut and dry answer. It depends on what you want for yourself. I used to fight with my H incessantly over cleaning. He is so bad he had to ask me how to use the vacuum, no joke. But for me, its very draining to get worked up over a mess. and when i ask myself if this is really worth my emotional energy, I find that its not. and when i look at my H and i think, is this worth losing him over? No, its not. So i can let it go. 

The interaction that you are setting up with your H over the messes he makes will eventually drive you two apart (same as his outrageous outbursts). So to answer your question on whether your actions were right, ask yourself 1) if this is worth your emotional energy and 2) if this is something worth losing your marriage over. If you can answer yes to both of those, then no it was not the wrong thing to do. But if you can answer no to either of those, then you have to learn a couple of new rules. 

And keep in mind, that fighting over the house is notoriously a red herring for deeper problems. Its "safe" to fight about a dirty house. But that is not usually what anyone is fighting about. I gage how much i am repressing by how upset i get over the latest disaster in the bathroom. If i get really upset, i know something else is bothering me.


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## helpneeded (Apr 9, 2010)

RachelLaura said:


> Blanca- you're right, he is justified in being upset when I move his things. I am trying to work on it. Its hard, because I like a clean house and he doesnt care. Sometimes I feel like his messes are borderline really gross- he really is horrible with throwing things away. Balled up tissues, old earplugs, old receipts, dirty socks, random papers- everywhere. To the point where I can't even go clean the dust and doghair and whatever else is underneath it, like the table or dresser.
> 
> I told him I wanted to clean before our company came. We were using to table to eat on, and there were receipts and papers all over it. So I thought to compromise, I could take those papers and put them in a bin just for the time being- and he could take that same pile and put them back on the coffeetable aftewards. Just so I could wipe it. I needed to get under the junk to clean a table that hadn't been cleaned in over a month.
> 
> I understand I cant move his stuff, and really, Im trying. But in this situation, it was frustrating that we were having people over, and that I took one pile and moved it to a bin just to wipe off the area- and he could put it right back after the company left. Was I wrong in doing that??



RachelLaura, I don't think you can disown your feelings. Also, your husband's behavior is certainly not justified. If he cannot clean the house, the least you can do is help you keep it clean. He seems to have behavioral issues and not just emotional/chemical issues. As an adult he needs to take responsibility of certain things, which he obviously isn't. I know it is a tough decision but you need to set timelines for yourself. If things improve, good and if not, you have to move on. Forget having a loving relationship with a person who is so self-absorbed. It is like you are constantly giving and not receiving anything back. If he is taking steps to overcome his anxiety/emotional issues, you should definitely support him and see if that helps. Not that his personality is going to change radically, but atleast if he can be happy and stop nit picking, people around him can be happy. If he is on the right meds, his anxiety will come down and he'll be more relaxed. Check with your doctor if he can supplant the paxil with a wellbutrin during the day. Paxil - i think helps with serotonin(anxiety, sleep) while wellbutrin helps with dopamine and epinephrine (which helps in keeping your moods up and jovial)

In case you are wondering, I am a guy and am speaking from experience. Hope this helps..

Good Luck.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Wow when i read your post and felt like you are posting a page of my life i said to myself i won't reply i will see what others post as reply and was smiling when i read about chipmunk and karyline who share with us the same experience but for me the difference is i've been dealing with my H for 28 years and he always refused therapy or admitting he has issue he was blaming me that everything is because of me
Looking back i regretted all my wasted life with him and all the hurt i lived with my kids
we are separated since 4 months but still leaving under the same roof for financial issue
By the way i am teacher too and now i am working with kids with challenging behavior i can understand the way you feel 
My H too is negative aggressive mean rude person ..... he set me apart of so many people and friends because of his rude and mean behavior
For me it's extremely hard now throwing 28 years of marriage but i can't handle anymore i am now living in confusion between staying or leaving i can't do any more effort to keep my marriage with my positive personality and great attitude and patience and... i got to a point if i didn't say enough i could be now in a very strong depression losing everything in life including ME

Anyway for your husband accepting therapy is really positive thing i don't think too that he will change but he might learn how to communicate and act when facing issues 
I agree with you to not have kids before having clear view of how the future will look like


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## karilynn (Feb 17, 2010)

Hi everyone: I just want to say RachelLaura that I totally understand what you are saying. LVS it is nice to hear your perspective also although a little scary. My husband does the same thing with the papers - its really weird. He also gets very upset when they are moved so I gave him his own drawer to put his crap in but they are still everywhere. I'm not a clean freak so its not a deal breaker for me. My H has been on an antidepressants for awhile now. I truly think his behavior is chemical in nature and possibly somewhat learned. His dad has the same tendencies. Yes, he offends people quite often, pushes people away, no one comes to visit cause they don't know what he's going to say but then he can be the total absolutely TOTAL opposite - charming, funny, lots of fun and like a kid at heart. I have often wondered about him being bi-polar. He is trying, I have spoken to him numerous times about his attitude and it has gotten much better towards me and when he is home around the family. I know that I can not change him. His core person is not going to change that much and if anything, I have read that negative people actually get worse as they age.

So what I am saying I guess is that marriage is a constant question of how much can you handle? How much are you willing to give of yourself to be a part of this relationship? I ask myself this all the time. At this moment in time, I am doing pretty good just trying to be healthy for myself and my kids and I can ignore H when he gets on my nerves. I have become very good at detaching over the years. Of course - I don't believe that this is what marriage should be all about. I think that personally we got married for the wrong reason, we were both trying to do the right thing......my H is my friend and I probably do love him somewhere under all the resentments........but the biggest thing right now is that I don't want to hurt him, and I do love my kids, and I do love being in a family unit SO for right now, I am willing to do whatever I have to do to just get through the day. I am just not willing to go there right now with a divorce and all the chaos and fighting and all that stuff. 

At some point, this will probably all change - once I finally get completely honest with myself and have the guts to do something about it - but for now, I will stay. This is not the healthiest point of view - but its what helps me survive. I really do wish you the best!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Does he exercise regularly?
Does he eat healthy?
Is his blood sugar ok? 





RachelLaura said:


> The title of this post pretty much sums it up, but I need some advice and I want to lay out all of the details. My husband and I have been together 3 years and married 6 months. I am 28, he is 29.
> 
> He is overall a pretty negative person- very anxious, anal, paranoid and with a very short temper. I am pretty positive, laid back and upbeat. We really couldn't be more opposite in those respects. You're probably wondering what I saw in him, after reading those qualities. He is also fun, outgoing, responsible and very caring and sensitive. Obviously, in the beginning of our relationship, I saw more of his good qualities than bad.
> 
> ...


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## Zora (Aug 2, 2010)

RachelLaura,
If I could only jump in a time machine and go back to where you are now,I would.
My husband acted pretty much like yours, but I love this guy, so I decided to take it.
Personally I don't think it helped either of us.
I can see our children acting the same way now and it makes me sad(genes or learned behavior??).
I read a book, "Will Our Love Last", and the author says that people have to really look at their spouse, hopefully before they marry.
There are certain things you see as normal, everyone does it, like cleaning off the table before you have guests over to eat on it.
Apparently this is not the case with your spouse.
The book also refers to other aspects of your life together and asks you to be honest with yourself and decide if you two are really compatible.
I ask you to think about these things in order to prevent possibly years of unhappiness for you and your spouse and any innocent children.
I have gotten used to my husband's antics over the years and therapy has trained me to let the little things go and not take the insults personally. 
Is this a happy life?
-Zora


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

Not to be a bigger downer, but I too got in a similar situation. We are divorcing. However where your husband is outgoing in a negative way - Mine is an introvert to the max. He's practically a hermit. If it weren't for me, he'd have zero friends. Then he chooses to blame me that people don't like him because I'm probably too assertive at times. Yet, I have lots of friends. Most of which I'm afraid to bring around him because of his ill or fake nature. I don't know what to tell you. I wanted so badly for my marriage to work. Even though the divorce was initiated by him, once we talked about it and decided it was for the best, a weight was lifted. I knew that my life would no longer be hinged to his, and well, I could stop being the person he wants me to be, and be the person I want to be. I always thought we compliment each other well, but it was because I was too accommodating. That is no way to spend the rest of your life; accommodating someone constantly just to make them happy. So whatever you do... DON'T DO THAT! You lose yourself, and it eats away at relationships around you that you have now. I went from having tons of friends to having almost none. Eventually I "put my pants back on" and stopped skirting around like his little dog. It eventually turned our marriage up-side-down and now we don't get along much at all. So good luck to you in whatever you decide to do. Just know that I still love my husband very much and will be ending my marriage civilly, and happily. We'll still be the best of friends (considering I'm the only one he's got) and we'll be okay after our marriage is over. I know it. Life goes on after divorce, and I'm sure many people in this forum will agree with me.


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## AmberLouise (Nov 3, 2011)

I don't know what to say. My husband is also a negative person. and After dealing with his sh*t for the past 8 years is making me a worse person. I Love going to movies, out to eat. Being stupid and crazy with my friends. And now I've lost all of my friends because he has an issue with all of them. And as bad as it seems it was easier just not to go out with them then to go out and then fight with him about it. I even had to censer the stories i tell him about my sisters because he's so judgmental that if he knew the truth about some things he wouldn't want me hanging out with them either. 

I am unhappy with where i am at. I'm a stay at home mom with NO friends. I'm trying to start a business but have no money to stick into it. and i have very little support from him. He thinks it's just so easy but when i talk to him about what i have to do he doesn't put in his two cents. I was working and going to school but he always had an issue that i had to work with another man. or that i had to work with a girl and with all our weird joking he thinks i'm a secret lesbian. So yes of course he has trust issues. but 8 years should be more then enough for him to get over it. 

Another issue is that his whole family is the same way. adn they all live about 8 blocks from us. so i don't think he's going to get any better. and what's worse is that our boys are becoming negative too.

Another thing that keeps going through my head is that i would feel so bad for him if we were to break up. I feel like he couldn't find someone else that would make him happy. He so badly wants to be in a relationship that he falls in love with who ever shows him attention. He's only dated 3 people. including me. And his first GF he was with for 7 years. she constantly cheated on him. and Was awful to him. he didn't leave her until he met me. When we were younger we did break up for a while. and during that time he started to see another girl. he basically moved in with her and her two kids after a few weeks. and almost opened a huge loan for her to get a car. People take advantage of him all the time and i would hate to see him end up not being happy. so some times i think that his happiness is better then mine.


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