# Chooses Masturbation Over Me



## Sunnygirl111 (Jul 23, 2014)

I need some sound advice. I have been in an otherwise happy relationship for 3 years. We have lived together for a little over a year. We do not have children. We have a lovely home and no financial problems. When we first started dating we had wonderful sex. Although it was not as frequent as I was used to in former long term relationships I was very happy. We even spoke about it and he stated that to him sex was linked to love and he did not have a high sex drive. I was fine with that. As time went on the distance between intercourse became longer and longer. At this point it is barely every 2-3 months. At first I thought it was all me. Something I wasn't giving him that he desired or that he didn't find me attractive. I now know that he masturbates daily to porn. I have tried to speak about this several times in many different types of communication. Talking, emails and letters. At first he assured me he was just tired or stressed from work. I finally got the courage up to ask if he may have a problem with porn and masturbation because every single article I read seemed to pinpoint us perfectly. The last time we had this discussion he became quite angry and told me of course he masturbated, he is a man and has been doing it for 20 years. At the point I told him I would drop the subject and just accept that our lives together would not involve a lot of sex. Also I want to include that I had informed him on every level that I was hurting and felt un loved and not desired. I am not a prude and understand that masturbation is healthy and normal. But at what point is normal. If you know your partner is un happy and hurt and you continue to do isn't that a problem? I don't know what to do anymore. I try and try not to think about it but I cant stop knowing he is pleasuring himself to other woman and fantasizing about them when all I want his him. Do these situations ever have a happy ending?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

like any addiction, when it starts to damage your personal life, it is tooooo much. Assuming you are a willing sex partner, sounds like he has a real problem.

Some men use porn as a turn on to have better sex with their wives. Some use it to find new techniques to try on their wives.

but if he starts to avoid sex because he is desensitized, that has no purpose. I think the only solution there is to quit, cold turkey for a couple weeks until the sensation comes back.Maybe you can offer him MAD sex as an enticement to go cold turkey? 

If he is watching gay or transgender porn...the issues are a little deeper. He may have married just as a façade, and is really gay. What type of porn IS he watching? That sort of hurdle may be insurmountable.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

In married life, masturbation needs to be secondary to a good, healthy sex life between the man and woman. When a spouse choses masturbation over sex with their spouse, there is a big problem in the marriage.

Your husband would rather has sex with his hand then with you. He might be addicted to porn. He might prefer to have sex only when the focus is on him and does not want all the work of making love to a woman. 

But no matter what his issue is, he is neglecting you in a way that is serious... it's often considered a form of emotional abuse. Look at how much his neglect is hurting you. 

There is no way that you should accept the crumbs he's throwing your way. Instead, I suggest that you find a MC who is a sex therapist. Then tell him that he has a choice, either he goes to the MC/sex therapist with you to fix your sex life or you are filing for divorce. Tell him that you will not live this way. 

A sexless marriage in one in which a couples has sex 10 or fewer times a year. How often are the two of you having sex? How often do you want to have sex?

Here's a link to a book that I think might help you out....

Amazon.com: He's Just Not Up for It Anymore eBook: Bob Berkowitz, Susan Yager-Berkowitz: Kindle Store


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## Sunnygirl111 (Jul 23, 2014)

Thanks for your replies! It is straight heterosexual porn. And he very much knows that I am willing and crave sexual attention.


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## Sunnygirl111 (Jul 23, 2014)

Also less than 10 times a year at this point for sure.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

straight porn, but not interested in your body...that makes little sense. i can see your frustration.

have you ever given him time watching porn, then come into the room, slipped off your clothes, and climbed on his lap? just forced yourself onto him when he was already hard? what would he do then, have the sex and enjoy it, or push you away to look at the screen some more?

Its a contest, and you have all the trump cards...the sexy body, the ability to touch and tease him. Have you ever looked at the porn yourself to learn some new techniques?? maybe he is looking for things a little differently than you do it.


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## Elane (Jul 15, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> straight porn, but not interested in your body...that makes little sense. i can see your frustration.
> 
> have you ever given him time watching porn, then come into the room, slipped off your clothes, and climbed on his lap? just forced yourself onto him when he was already hard? what would he do then, have the sex and enjoy it, or push you away to look at the screen some more?
> 
> Its a contest, and you have all the trump cards...the sexy body, the ability to touch and tease him. *Have you ever looked at the porn yourself to learn some new techniques?? maybe he is looking for things a little differently than you do it.*


No, just no. This is a problem HE has, not her. She isn't turning him down for solo sex watching porn. There is no reason ever to turn your willing, loving partner down to masturbate to other women. I can't believe you are putting this on her.

And OP, why did you say you were willing to accept this kind of sex life? This is not what you want, why are you giving in?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Make your boundary, and stick to it. For whatever reason, he's more into porn and masturbating than you. This isn't going to change until he's forced to. And your resentments and frustrations will continue to fester. They're not going away. They're like a loan with loan shark interest rates.

Maybe another question... Why are you willing to consider tolerating this kind of treatment? He's a boyfriend. You can walk away at any time. Why are you willing to sacrifice a chance at a healthy intimate relationship to be with someone who'd rather be with himself?

C


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Sunnygirl111
I'm sorry you are in a miserable situation. 

I have no objections to porn as such, but I think it is a huge problem when someones uses porn instead of being intimate with their partner. Its much like alcohol - a glass of wine with dinner is fine, but downing a bottle of JD and passing out in the living room every night is alcoholism.

If you think of it as an addiction that may suggest an approach. Very few men would willingly choose porn over a real live woman, so this suggest he really isn't in control. Try to avoid the "porn is bad" "lost of guys watch porn" discussion - it won't go anywhere. Make it clear that the problem is not the porn, but that he is ignoring his girlfiriend. 

Try very hard not to get angry until you really understand what is gong on. He may be feeling pathetic because he can't control himself. If he really is having difficulties with an addition, then you can help and counseling can help. It isn't really his "fault" any more than other addicts are at fault. 

OTOH, it could be quite different. Maybe he really likes porn. Maybe it has made him so jaded that he thinks it represents real life. If porn is what he really truly wants, then there isn't much you can do except ask for a divorce and let him enjoy his imaginary partners.

Even if that last case is true, there is no reason to get angry. Just tell him that you are leaving because you want to be with a man who desires you. Its a completely reasonable thing to expect in a relationship.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

He needs a final and SERIOUS warning. Sit him down and tell him that frequency is a HUGE issue for you and he has not been delivering.

Also tell him that you have a huge problem with his porn addiction as it is now effecting your relationship and he chooses jerking off over you/and in process neglects you.

If it doesn't change SOON, tell him you are ready to walk.

At times, you have to put EVERYTHING on the line to get what you want. And in this case, I would HIGHLY suggest that you do it because your relationship will NOT work long term anyways (trust me on that).

It's not about HIS sex drive, it's about him caring enough to make sure you are 100% satisfied when it comes to intimacy. 

It's it's job #1 for EVERY person in a serious relationship IMO.


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## Sunnygirl111 (Jul 23, 2014)

I have stayed because of love. Yes, he is a boyfriend and not a husband but we own a home together and I deeply love his family. We have had every intention of becoming married once the remodeling of the house was over.
It is hard because every other aspect of the relationship is spot on. And at times I tell myself that no one is perfect. Every relationship has some type of challenge. I was married for 10 years. He has never been married. He had only 2 serious relationships and had spent years as a single and perhaps that is where his masturbation started.
When we first met I didn't even like him because he was always telling stories about strippers and one night stands and I thought he was a man *****. After I realized that was not the case I at least thought he was adventurous in bed. And that was not the case. To quote him "I like vanilla sex". Just goes to show how first impressions can work out. I also want to add that I know he doesn't view porn every time he masturbates, but a lot of the time. He admitted to me when we were moving in together that he wanked it sometimes 2 and 3 times a day. I was shocked but every person is different. He also said he was going to stop doing that once we moved in. At times he can be really open and other times he is like an armored car. He is not aggressive. He almost seems like a shy school boy. He has made comments in the past about someone in a movie "she looks dirty, like someone you would push her face in the pillow and give it to her doggie style". We don't have any variety when we do have sex. I am thinking there may be a Madonna ***** issue at play in his head. He has shown pure amazement at my oral skills but doesn't even ask for that. I have never once turned him down. Never. I want to add this, he had a health scare a few weeks ago and out of the blue to me he said "I quit masturbating a few days ago because I think it is a sin and I want you to know I am really horny". Well sex never came and still hasn't. It was an admission of sorts. At the time I did not push the issue because he was being open and honest and I didn't want to scare him away with questions and acquisitions for fear he would shut down. We are not religious people and do not attend church. And although he watches a variety of porn the most popular reoccurring format is a couple having sex and a barely legal girl walks in on them with curiosity. The older woman verbally instructs the young girls every move as to what to do to the man. The man never says a word and just enjoys the pleasure. I think this says a lot. Perhaps enjoying sexual pleasure he truly desires without seeming creepy by asking for it????? Some thing is at play with that I am sure. The responses I have been getting are giving me courage to seek help. I can't continue with the hope that one day I will wake up and every thing is perfect. We need professional help or I will give up and leave. This is not just going to go away. Hugs and kisses are not enough. It is all so scary.


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

Well from another guy's perspective, I definitely would never turn my wife down vs. porn. I watch porn sometimes only because my wife does not like sex. If I knew that I could approach her for sex when I felt the need, I would absolutely always take that route first.

This is definitely an issue that he needs to admit, and start taking responsibility for. In my opinion, until he can correctly prioritize he really should not be allowed to watch porn because he's obviously doing so irresponsibly. I can understand him saying he just wants a quickie, but I think that should be equally possible with sex. Do you think it's possible that he's doing this at times when you are in fact unavailable? Like the kids are around, or something like that? Or is this 100% truly a situation where he could right there and then have sex, but chooses porn instead?


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

Also to add to that, is it possible he feels that when having sex with you, even a quickie, there is a requirement for both of you to have an O and get off and everything like that? Are you ok with him literally coming in for a quickie, getting his fix and leaving you unsatisfied? Because it's likely that's what he's wanting in those certain situations... and therefore is avoiding the extended time necessary for both of you to be satisfied.


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## Sunnygirl111 (Jul 23, 2014)

He will do this 5 minutes after I leave the house and 30 minutes before I get home from work. We can have 2 straight days together and I know he will masturbate in the shower because he has no alone time. We have no children.


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## Sunnygirl111 (Jul 23, 2014)

I think quickies are fine and needed in relationships if you are both secure. I have told him that I would prefer a quickie to what he is doing any day.


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

Sunnygirl111 said:


> He will do this 5 minutes after I leave the house and 30 minutes before I get home from work. We can have 2 straight days together and I know he will masturbate in the shower because he has no alone time. We have no children.


Got it, ok... well that's not good. What about my other post? I mean in terms of expectations. Are you OK if sometimes, the sex is purely for his benefit? I can just see that is maybe what he's looking for... doesn't make it right, but at least it's a step forward to understanding the situation.


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

Sunnygirl111 said:


> I think quickies are fine and needed in relationships if you are both secure. I have told him that I would prefer a quickie to what he is doing any day.


Well then you are being very accommodating and he literally has no excuses at this point, that I can see. How are you so aware of exactly when he's doing it? Is he just freely leaving his browser history un-erased?

It's tough to make a recommendation as to how something like this can be resolved. Communication is everything, but if he is stubbornly holding his point and not willing to understand your perspective, then clearly something more needs to be done. But what? I don't know. Just from a guys perspective, I cannot understand it... and certainly wish my wife had this level of desire, I would be happy to never watch porn again!


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

This whole porn situation is out of control. Intimacy is an important part of the relationship and picking porn over you is NOT okay. You have to put your foot down. Fix this problem, or I am leaving.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

My ex had the same issue - preferred to masturbate to porn than have sex with me, and he did it pretty much on a daily basis. MC said it was because he doesn't know how to relate to people in general. 

The fact that your H said he thought masturbating is a "sin" is a red flag. That would make me think he has some real sexual hang-ups in general. But please don't settle for this. Don't even think about marrying this guy unless and until you are sexually satisfied. Sounds like you pretty much told him you're okay with the situation. You aren't. You need to tell him the truth - that this isn't okay with you. 

I don't think you need to worry too much about whether this is porn "addiction" or not. What's wrong here is that you are not getting what you need. If you were completely satisfied and he were wanking it twice a day to porn, it wouldn't matter. 

One thought: you could say "Well, you seem to be satisfied with masturbating to porn. I want to have sex with an actual person so if you don't want to, I think I'll go find someone who does."


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You are not married. You have the ability to walk away and I suggest you do so. It will save you and might wake him to the fact he has a problem.


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