# My fiance hates my family and I am suffering



## mizzmoody (Jan 14, 2012)

My soon-to-be husband hates my family. He is currently in another state and soon to return to be with me, we are getting married this spring. 

For awhile, we lived with my mother and sister while we looked for an apartment. During that time, there was so much drama and stress. 

My mother and sister are active drug addicts, and my fiance is in recovery at this point. He hates them because they have stolen medication from me, and because I have loaned lots of money that I have never gotten back. He feels they are ruining our relationship and taking advantage of me. Most recently there were pills missing from my bottle and he blames them and I think he's right. (I am not an addict, I have an anxiety disorder but rarely take my meds unless I have a panic attack)

He is telling me that it's him or them. That if we are going to be together, they have to be out of our lives completely. My mother and sister are very upset with me and accusing me of choosing a man over my family. 

The thing is, I love him so much and want a life with him. And, he's right, they do take advantage of me and they have stolen from me.

But telling them they are out of my life for good is so hard...but he is insistent this is the condition for our relationship. Being around them caused so many problems for us. 

I have children, so this is hard for me even though I don't want my kids around obvious drug addicts I know they love the kids. 

I choose my fiance, but my family is making me feel like a horrible person and I am wracked with guilt and sadness. How can I break it to them that I am cutting them out of my life forever? 

Should I choose the man I want to spend my life with or my family, even though they are thieves and addicts? They are heaping on the guilt and he is putting on the pressure also. 

I am a mess. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him but I just hate conflict and confrontation  

Can anyone give me any advice or insight on this? How can I not answer the door if they come to our home? I feel so terrible I feel like I am in a lose-lose situation  

On top of it all my youngest son is very sick, he is severely anemic but they aren't sure if it is leukemia or not. I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown. 

I have missed my fiance so much while he's been out of town, but I am dreading the conflict of this issue when he comes back. Am I a bad person for telling him I would choose him over them? That I will cut them out of my life for good? And if so, how do I do that without too much stress and drama? 

I am so confused and depressed...all I know is that I feel really bad about this situation but also that I love him so much and want to spend my life with him. He has said, them or me...does that mean he doesn't love me? Or is he trying to do what's best for himself and me? I don't like my kids around drug addicts either, and I am so proud of my fiance for getting clean and maintaining it. I just don't know how I'll have the courage to break the news to my mom and sister that they are out of my life...they are making me feel so awful about it because they know how he feels, I just havent said the words to them yet that that's what I choose...

Help  

Thank you, 
MizzMoody


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My mother and sister are active drug addicts... what type of drugs are they addicted to?

No you are not a bad person who cutting your family out of your life. It's called tough love.

I have a step-son who I raised from age 12. Last spring he and his wife were living at in my house because he said he could not find a job and they needed to save money to rent a cheaper place to live. So I gave them a free place to stay so they could save. There were rules, behave, no drugs, help clean house and cook means. That's it. The would not help with the house or cooking. And they were always out of it. Then I found their drug stash in their room. It became clear that the both of them, my step-son and his wife, are drug addicts. I kicked them both out that day and put all their things in the yard.

I told my step-son that when he's been clean for 2 years I'll consider having him back in my life. His father takes the same stance.

You might want to look up a chapter of Nar-Anon.. it's for people who have drug addicts in their family.They help you learn how to deal with the addict so that it does not destory your life.


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## lastradas (Oct 14, 2011)

Quite frankly, much more than your fiance, you owe your children that you cut your family out of your life - the sooner, the better. Your fiance is an adult. Your children have no say regarding what environment they grow up in. They don't deserve this. They deserve to grow up in a loving, honest and drug-free environment, something your family cannot offer.



mizzmoody said:


> He is telling me that it's him or them. That if we are going to be together, they have to be out of our lives completely.


I would do *exactly *the same thing.




> My mother and sister are very upset with me and accusing me of choosing a man over my family.


You *are *choosing a man over your family, *rightfully *so. Are they seriously arguing that you and your kids don't have the right to live in a healthy and drug-free environment? That you should happily put up with their destructive behavior?




> I have children, so this is hard for me even though I don't want my kids around obvious drug addicts I know they love the kids.


Yeah well, clearly they don't seem to give a crap about how these kids they so dearly love grow up. Rember, words mean very little when the actions don't match.



> I choose my fiance, but my family is making me feel like a horrible person and I am wracked with guilt and sadness. How can I break it to them that I am cutting them out of my life forever?


I would tell them that I love them and always will but that for your own and your children's sake your are no longer willing to put up with their selfish behavior. I would also tell them to let you know when they become clean because I would love to have them back in my life then.



> I am a mess. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him but I just hate conflict and confrontation


There will be no more conflict once they're out of your life. But you, your children and your husband will have the chance of a healthy, drug-free life.



> Can anyone give me any advice or insight on this? How can I not answer the door if they come to our home?


Easy one. Don't open the door. If they decide to camp out, ignore them. They'll get tired eventually.



> On top of it all my youngest son is very sick, he is severely anemic but they aren't sure if it is leukemia or not.


And even under these circumstances you are seriously considering exposing your child to this environment??? That would be incredibly selfish on your part.



> [Am I a bad person for telling him I would choose him over them?


No, if anything it demonstrates emotional health and good judgement.



> And if so, how do I do that without too much stress and drama?


You need to establish ground rules. Plan out what to do when they come to your house, when you run into them. 

When you break things off with them, be as explicit as possible. Tell them what you are going to do if they try to contact you. And stick to it. As soon as you don't stick to it, they will try to use that against you. Remember, you owe that to your children!! 
If your children are old enough to know what's going on, it's going to hard but it's even more important to stick to your guns to not confuse them. They won't understand that one time it's okay to talk to your family when they wait in front of your house and one time it's not. 




> He has said, them or me...does that mean he doesn't love me? Or is he trying to do what's best for himself and me?


The latter!!! It's common sense that no healthy relationship can grow in such an environment. Plus, why would you want a former addict in an environment that fosters addiction? That's just plain crazy.



> I just don't know how I'll have the courage to break the news to my mom and sister that they are out of my life...they are making me feel so awful about it because they know how he feels, I just havent said the words to them yet that that's what I choose...


It'll be very tough and I don't think that there is anything to make it easier. You just need to remember that in order to have a healthy relationship and for your kids to grow up in a healthy environment, this is the *only and the right thing to do.*
And it's not like you want them out of your life just for the heck of it. You can tell them that once they provide you with hard evidence that they are clean, you'd be more than happy to integrate them back into your life.


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## mizzmoody (Jan 14, 2012)

Thank you all sooo much! I feel so much better now, it's still going to be a hard road but your replies have given me strength...I've always been the type not to rock the boat but this time I know I have to stand up for what I know is right...blessings to all!


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Tell your family: "I can't afford the guilt trip. You take it instead."


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## capricorngirl_99 (Feb 7, 2012)

I believe that you did the right thing and that you have nothing to feel guilty about. First of all, you owe it to your children to make sure that they grow up in a safe, loving environment and not around drug users. Secondly, the reason that your fiance hates them is the way that they have treated you. He really loves and cares about you and doesn't want to see you hurting. Third, you owe it to yourself to cut yourself free of an abusive relationship from your family. They have done nothing but abuse and hurt you and nothing else. I am proud of you for what you did and it gives me the courage to stand up to my controlling mother. Just don't allow them to guilt trip you anymore because you have done nothing wrong in my book .


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## sfj (Jan 15, 2012)

A lot of addicts have issues with control. The same is true for "recovering addicts". Just because somebody has given up drugs and is in "recovery" doesn't mean they have turned into perfect saints. A recovering addict can still be a control freak. I would seriously consider why your fiance is asking you to cut your family out of your life. Nothing like a recovering addict having NO compassion for others who are in the same boat they were once in... sorry but this is a red flag to me.

I'm not saying that you should tolerate bad behavior in your presence, around your children, or in your home. You should not tolerate it at all, and be crystal clear about that, but cutting your family out of your life completely is extremely harsh, imo, and is not a decision somebody else should be making for you.

To me it looks like you need to learn how to establish boundaries with all the people in your life, including your fiance. He has no right to give you an ultimatum concerning your family. He can chose to stay away from them, and that is HIS right, but to tell you "it's me or them" is pure BS, imo.


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## Mimi10 (Feb 27, 2012)

Well I think it probably will be healthier to spend a small amount of time with your family until they get the help they need. However, it is not your fiancée place to make you leave your family. To me that's a form of control rather than love. My husband tried doing that and I know how hurtful and wrong it was.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Just because he's your fiancée doesn't mean he's right, or that he's not an ass. Personally, I'd take this as a sign of how you'll be treated if you don't do things "his way". Ask yourself if you'd like to be treated the way he's treating your family.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

In regards to your addict family:

"At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It's not like you're giving up and shouldn't try. It's just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours would eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be yours."

I don't remember where I found the quote, but it applies. It's about detaching from their issues and problems - addictions. It's not you who can fix them, they don't want to be fixed (yet or never for some). The only people who can fix your mom and sister is your mom and sister.

Your children, your family deserve better than their problems and addiction life style. You cannot help them, you will not help them but you can help yourself and your children and spouse by removing yourself from mom and sister. They are dragging not only your relationship down and into chaos\danger but YOUR CHILDREN.

Practice detachment, look up detachment 101 on google.


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