# Part of me says I'm messing up...



## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Past few weeks, the wife has spent a few nights over here...one or two a week...she is going to spend tonight here as well so she can take the boy to school early (I have to go in even earlier, and he has to be at school way before the bus would pick him up...)...things are going nicely it seems between us...

Anyways, we always end up sleeping together (although I doubt we will tonight since I'm fighting a nasty cold she gave me)...get romantic, and have a good evening/night together...I love it, it reinforces my love for her and I think she is getting closer to us again...she needs to spend time with the boy and this is how she is doing it...evenings with him, nights with me...

Anyways, this is the part that says I'm messing up...I'm letting her spend time/nights here with me and my son, but she won't committ to MC...she says she loves us, she misses us, but isn't ready to go to MC...am I letting her have her cake and eat it too?...do I need to say no more sleep overs until we start MC???

the boy could spend time at her apartment but won't because he gets bored over there...

am I messing up?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

This is a tough one.

I had the same thing happen. Sex was great when we were separated.

You need to get into MC somehow. It probably doesn't matter if you connect for the next month and then get into counseling. I might wait to push for it. Enjoy the sex and reconnecting. 

Figure out MC soon, but don't stop the good thing you have now. Make sure she is clear that you want MC. If she won't go to MC, go by yourself.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Well, it depends. Do you think you can patch things up without marriage counseling? What is it that you truly want/need to be happy? Is her NOT going to MC is going to bother you to the point where you don't think reconciliation is going to happen? Also, why doesn't she want to go? 

I tried doing the same thing with my husband. I'd go over to his house and spend evenings with him, have sex with him. Go to dinner, go to see bands, etc, etc...try and pretend like all the horrible things that happened in the last 6 months had never happened. Try to rewind the clock to before the summer. 

Result? Sometimes it worked out. Other times we'd have horrible fights. But the one constant was that he was ALWAYS drinking. It always came down to the drinking and as time went on it got worse and worse. He'd deny that this was the problem and instead blame everything on me but deep down I know it's the drinking that was the problem and as long as it still exists there will never be a change for the better. He will always be unpredictable and I will be walking on those proverbial eggshells while holding my breath. The yelling and verbal abuse has beaten me down to the point where I don't even want to have sex with my husband or spend any time with him.

So my decision is: No more intimacy. No more time spent together until he figures out that he's got to get sober. If I continue to spend time with him, to be with him and indeed "let him have his cake and eat it too"..then he'll never have ANY incentive or reason to change. 

So I changed instead of trying to change him. I don't call him except to arrange to drop our son off for the weekend or get water for my work truck (my truck needs water for work and he gives it to me). Basically business matters. I'm cordial and polite and chat in a friendly manner but I keep it short and sweet. No more invites, no more time spent together, even though he's asked to spend time together recently because I know that as long as he has to sit and drink for hours at a time it'll never be right. At best, I'm wasting my time and investing in a fantasy, at worst we have a huge fight and I get hurt, stressed and angry. 

The result is that he doesn't call me and rarely answers the phone when I call him. So we are down to just seeing each other for a few minutes a few times a week. He continues on and there is still no talk of going to rehab as far as I know. My husband will not do either individual counseling or marriage counseling because according to him, I am the problem, not him. 

So..Any real change for the better could take a long, long time..or it may never happen but at least my stress level is down and I am rebuilding both my sanity and my life. 

So that's my line in the sand. He has to get sober before we can move on and until that happens, nothing happens between us. Maybe because I'm not emotionally invested in whether we get back together again I'm not worrying about it. I just want peace and quiet. 

So my question to you is: What's your line in the sand?


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Oh..why do you keep referring to your son as "the boy"? :scratchhead:


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Dan...it does seem like she is eating the cake hmmm...tough situation because of your boy....yeah you have to talk to her and get her to MC 
I'm happy for you ,things are good boy...that's awesome 


sex ahhhhh ....haven't had any in more than 2 months  (not that i felt i want it with so much stress) ..and probably won't have any for a while...


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Well, damn, I want sex! Pisses me off how much I want sex! And I look great too! We had GREAT sex at one time. Now the man can't even get it up.

Stupid husband.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

vivea said:


> sex ahhhhh ....haven't had any in more than 2 months  (not that i felt i want it with so much stress) ..and probably won't have any for a while...


we going to have a competition who has gone with for the longest are we ?



Freak On a Leash said:


> Well, damn, I want sex! Pisses me off how much I want sex! And I look great too!


:wave: :ezpi_wink1:


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> :wave: :ezpi_wink1:


Is that a hint mate?  :lol:


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

hahahah Ohhh goodness that makes me think that getting all together is probably not a very good idea lol

or perhaps it is


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I don't know..sounds good to me! 

Now finding a place to get together would be a challenge considering how far apart geographically we are.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

"the boy" has always been my internet nickname for him...we live out in the back woods...kinda red neck title for him...


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

DjF said:


> "the boy" has always been my internet nickname for him...we live out in the back woods...kinda red neck title for him...


Ahh..got it!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Is that a hint mate?  :lol:


I was trying to be subtle, was I


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

vivea said:


> hahahah Ohhh goodness that makes me think that getting all together is probably not a very good idea lol
> 
> or perhaps it is


Na, internet kidding is all good 

(but then again!!!)


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> I don't know..sounds good to me!
> 
> Now finding a place to get together would be a challenge considering how far apart geographically we are.


guess that means I get to travel the furthest


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> I was trying to be subtle, was I


I don't know. Does it really matter?


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> I don't know. Does it really matter?


Na, not really (errr, thread derailed, sorry!)


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Well, that didn't go quit as planned..she came out, we got into a fight, and I asked her to leave...calmer heads prevailed (something new for us) and we sat down and discussed the issues...

--we talked about my drinking, and I was honest and said I had been struggling but had been improving...

--I brought up the fact that it has been 5 months and she hadn't started counseling yet, and that we couldn't start MC until she started that...that I can't take this limbo much more, she needed to get thngs started...she was suppose to call today to set up an appointment for her...

--I told her there were new rules in the house...that you say good night, good morning, I love you and you never walk into a room without greeting the other...she needs to follow them and she agreed!

--there was other stuff, some good, some not so good, some bad...

She stayed the night and I I asked her to spend tonight with me, didn't get an answer...left after saying goodbye this morning, kissed her on the cheek and said I love you...

Haven't talked to her today, but when I got home from work, her stuff was still here...so, we shall see!


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

It was good to get stuff out - bad and all. Hope she stays the night! And I think you have a good thing going on right now, so hopefully it will continue. Perhaps you can work this all out without MC? 

Sex... sigh... I wish... :woohoo:


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

no sex tonight guaranteed...I'm fighting a nasty cold!!!

I'm going to insist on MC before she can move back in (when and if that happens)...I don't want her to move back in, and then have everything blow up again!


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Dan...you're doing really good...you're standing your ground as well....you should....lo-o-ove your house rules 
She needs to make a decision now...you're not asking her much ...just to start the counseling..she needs to at least commit with something..
Hope she makes a step for you...


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Babyheart said:


> Sex... sigh... I wish... :woohoo:


please stop, I may end up frustrated


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

your house, your rules, don't like 'em, stay away.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I wonder why she's so resistant to counseling..either by herself and/or with you? 

I wonder the same thing with my husband. Why so resistant to getting better? To putting his life on track so he can feel better both mentally and physically? What is the problem? He won't do anything to fix himself..not physically or mentally. It's bizarre. :scratchhead:


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> please stop, I may end up frustrated


End up? I AM frustrated. :banghead:

It's probably the thing I miss the most about my husband.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> End up? I AM frustrated. :banghead:






> It's probably the thing I miss the most about my husband.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Do you know what my husband said to me recently? 

"All you think about is going out to have a good time and having sex." 

:rofl: :rofl: Oh well..Just haul me away and SHOOT ME!! :slap: How does the man STAND to be around me?


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

She toook on a second job which I have been asking her to do for ages...I get to retire in 3 to 4 years and it makes her tremendiously jealous that I can do that and she can't...she has worked part timesince the kids were born...now that they are older, I told her to pick up extra hours so she can retire sooner...I will retire when I am 54, get 70% of my annual salary and start another career...or work part time and relax part time...she hates that, but has to learn to deal with that!

but I digress again, the second job has kept her busy the past few months so she didn't have time for counseling...

secondly. last night she threw out that with the grandbaby born and living with her, she was kept busy helping with her...I shot that down because when she moved out with my daughter, they moved away from me helping out daily too...wasn't an excuse...it was a choice they made, deal with it!

So anyways, we spent the evening together watching my son's (Aaron...the boy) basketball game while watching the grandbaby, she didn't spend the night because she would have to drive the baby home late to moma, then drive back out here later...

but we had a very nice evening together...a lot of holding hands, talking about nothing much, but talking...and she did mention she was looking for a MC couples retreat weekend sometime soon for us...wow, caught me off guard!!!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Do you know what my husband said to me recently?
> 
> "All you think about is going out to have a good time and having sex."


And thats what you are doing, thinking about it 



> :rofl: :rofl: Oh well..Just haul me away and SHOOT ME!! :slap: How does the man STAND to be around me?


:shrug:


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Do you know what my husband said to me recently?
> 
> "All you think about is going out to have a good time and having sex."
> 
> :rofl: :rofl: Oh well..Just haul me away and SHOOT ME!! :slap: How does the man STAND to be around me?


ummm...most men of good taste wouldn't be standing!!!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> And thats what you are doing, thinking about it


For now..


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> For now..


jealous - off to the dating web sites I go


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Dammit, quit hijacking my thread dammit...lol...

we're suppose to be drowning in self pity and you both are flirting...quit it now, go get a box of tissues and resume crying...we can't have this drivil you here me!!!

hahahaha...I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself...tired of kissing her azz to come back...

"I was tired of my lady
We'd been together too long
Like a worn-out recording
Of a favorite song
So while she lay there sleepin
I read the paper in bed
And in the personal columns
There was this letter I read:

If you like pina coladas
And getting caught in the rain
If you're not into yoga
If you have half a brain
If you like making love at midnight
In the dunes on the cape
Then I'm the love that you've looked for
Write to me and escape


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> off to the dating web sites I go


I don't think I'll be into the dating website scene when and if I get to the point of formally "dating". The whole thing with emailing and then meeting a total stranger, being checked out like some piece of merchandise online...It's just not my thing. It's all too contrived. 

As much as I talk about missing sex and all, I'm not the type of person to go on a date or two and then hop into bed. Not me. Call me old fashioned or picky or both. It's not how I roll. 

I'm more into doing stuff and meeting people that way. I'm into a lot of different hobbies and activities and I like to be friends with the person I'd eventually get involved with...then things can develop from there. 

Then again, I was friends with my husband for 9 years before I married him. I guess there are no guarantees...

Honestly, the whole idea of "dating" really is a mind blower. I can't imagine doing it anytime soon. On one hand, my husband shows NO signs of improving our marital situation so I think that I can't wait around for him. On the other, I just don't think I'm ready for that sort of thing regardless. 

Oh well...*shrug*. It's a good thing I'm adept at doing stuff on my own because *ahem* there are ways to 'satisfy' one's needs without having a significant other in one's life, if you get my drift.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

DjF said:


> Dammit, quit hijacking my thread dammit...lol...


maybe 



> we're suppose to be drowning in self pity and you both are flirting...quit it now, go get a box of tissues and resume crying...we can't have this drivil you here me!!!


so, only the two choices, anything behind door number 3 ?
(besides, flirting, is good for the heart & ego !



> hahahaha...I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself...tired of kissing her azz to come back...


:smthumbup:


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> As much as I talk about missing sex and all, I'm not the type of person to go on a date or two and then hop into bed. Not me. Call me old fashioned or picky or both. It's not how I roll.


I would make use of the sites to meet people, if female, without the expectation of sex anytime soon.



> Oh well...*shrug*. It's a good thing I'm adept at doing stuff on my own because *ahem* there are ways to 'satisfy' one's needs without having a significant other in one's life, if you get my drift.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

DjF said:


> Dammit, quit hijacking my thread dammit...lol...
> 
> we're suppose to be drowning in self pity and you both are flirting...quit it now, go get a box of tissues and resume crying...we can't have this drivil you here me!!!


:toast: :awink:

YouTube - The Good Life by Three Days Grace- Lyrics

_The good life is what I need
Too many people stepping over me
The only thing that's been on my mind
Is the one thing I need before I die

All I want is a little of the good life
All I need is to have a good time, oh, the good life
All I want is a little of the good life
All I need is to have a good time, oh, the good life
The good life

I don't really know who I am
It's time for me to take a stand
I need a change and I need it fast
I know that any day could be the last

All I want is a little of the good life
All I need is to have a good time, oh, the good life
All I want is a little of the good life
All I need is to have a good time, oh, the good life

Hold on, hold on, I always wanted it this way
(I never wanted it this way)
Hold on, hold on, I always wanted it this way
(We didn't ask for it this way)
I always wanted it this way

The good life
All I want is a little of the good life
All I need is to have a good time, oh, the good life
All I want is a little of the good life
All I need is to have a good time, oh, the good life
The good life_

Freakin' awesome song! :smthumbup: Very appropriate, don't you think? 

Back in September my husband and I went camping up at Lake George, one of our favorite places that we loved to go. It was during the brief time when he was "better" after rehab (in August) and before Round 2 in October. We were alone (no kids) and had a GREAT time. It was one of the last good times we had. 

At one point we were driving the boat we rented around the lake and I'd had a few beers in me. We went and got homemade pie at our favorite bakery and was driving back and I started singing this song. He told me I was crazy but he still loved me. 

It's amazing that we had times like that as recently as late last year. Now it's all gone and he doesn't seem to care or miss it. Really bizarre. :scratchhead: It's like the pod people came and kidnapped my husband and dropped this really horrid alien that looks like him in his place. :wtf:

Sorry for the thread hijack Dan.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> I would make use of the sites to meet people, if female, without the expectation of sex anytime soon.


Fortunately I meet a lot of people in my variety of activities and hobbies. 

In the past, even if I didn't have my husband with me, I gave strong signals of "Married, not available". I was never unfaithful..never strayed. 

But a lot of things have changed in my life and that could change too. We'll have to see.

I'm not going to go on forever praying and hoping that my husband gives up his addiction to the bottle, which is AS BAD IF NOT WORSE than another woman IMO. Eventually I'll have to make a decision but for now, I'm willing to give him some more time.


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## JMB (Mar 5, 2011)

I feel in this type of situation, there are unsolved feelings. I know I left because there was no way I ever wanted to be intimate with the person i chose and lived with for 27 yrs. So, I feel, if I were to go back occasionally and have intimate relations, I would then need to rethink what it is I want. If I wanted to sleep with my ex, it'd be because I still loved him. So, I'd ask yourself if maybe, there are solvable issues, outside being in love or not. Not loving someone is not fixable, but the rest may be


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> and she did mention she was looking for a MC couples retreat weekend sometime soon for us...wow, caught me off guard!!!


 This is great news. I hope she is now interested in MC. Hopefully the weekend would go well and she would be willing to commit to it.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

I think a lot of great things are going on...and a stalmate on others...

She is willing to accept changes I have made...but not ready to make changes she needs to make...thus the reason she hasn't seeked out counseling on her own...it's easier to blame me rather than to accept responsability for her own failures...

but the time we do spend togehter is more tender, there is love there...


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

DjF said:


> I think a lot of great things are going on...and a stalmate on others...
> 
> She is willing to accept changes I have made...but not ready to make changes she needs to make...thus the reason she hasn't seeked out counseling on her own...it's easier to blame me rather than to accept responsability for her own failures...


Seems a common thing 



> but the time we do spend together is more tender, there is love there...


awwwww, there may be a path forward after all


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Dudes, I FOUND my song!!

YouTube - Theory Of A Deadman - So Happy

Put the bottle down, finally got somethin' to say
Take another look around and find someone else to play
Needless to say.. That you've got problems
There's no f*ckin' way.. that I'm gonna solve them
It's never the same.. Every time you slip, then you fall down, down, down

Ever wonder what I been thinkin' about ?
I been thinkin' bout throwin' you out

I'm so happy about you ..I'm fed up, so get up and get out
I'm so happy now we're through..I'm fed up, so get up and get out
I was so afraid, now you're gone away
Sent you packing, look who's laughin' now
I'm so happy that I feel this way
I'm so happy that I threw you away

Put your problems down and pick up what's left of the pain
Take a good look at yourself and see who's really to blame
Needless to say.. That you've got problems
There's no f*ckin' way.. that I'm gonna solve them
It's never the same.. Every time you slip, then you fall down, down, down

Ever wonder what i been thinkin' about ?
I been thinkin' bout throwin' you out

I'm so happy about you..I'm fed up, so get up and get out
I'm so happy now we're through..I'm fed up, so get up and get out
I was so afraid, now you're gone away
Sent you packing, look who's laughin' now
I'm so happy that I feel this way
I'm so happy that I threw you away

I'm so happy about you..I'm fed up, so get up and get out
I'm so happy now we're through..I'm fed up, so get up and get out
I was so afraid, now you're gone away
Sent you packing, look who's laughin' now
I'm so happy that I feel this way
I'm so happy that I threw you away


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