# Petrified of dating again...



## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

D will be final in August...

I am so nervous about dating again. Haven't been with someone other than STBXH in 22 years...

But I am so lonely...I want companionship again. 

I am also worried about my trust issues because of the cheating in my M.

Ugh....maybe I will just die alone!


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## sarcasmo (Feb 1, 2013)

LivingAgain said:


> D will be final in August...
> 
> I am so nervous about dating again. Haven't been with someone other than STBXH in 22 years...
> 
> ...


Nothing wrong with that! Perfectly normal. I'm sure with practice you'll get the handle of it. My D get's finalized in Oct and I'm scared as well, but looking forward to it. Keep an open mind and be vulnerable. Look for warning signs, but take chances. I think it will take more than one date to figure things out, but w/out some amount vulnerability, we are destined to fail. I'm sure my first few dates are going to be horrible, but shake it off and get going on the next one.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I hear you, LA. Dating has not been much of a part of my life -- and wasn't before I got married, either. So I don't even have old experience to draw on, lol. 

After our marriages, it will be a huge change, but from what I hear, it gets easier the more you do it. I've spent a lot of time working on myself, and finding out what I will and will not tolerate from someone. 

Take some time to think about what you are looking for (and not just someone you can trust, lol -- that's a big one for all of us, I think). You will feel a little more confident and in control when you do get out there. 

I think a lot of us fear rejection after the rejection we got from our spouses. It might take time before we see a date not working out as not being personal. But honestly, we're not going to like everyone we go out with, either, so it's all OK.

Do you have other social outlets besides dating? Other areas where you can get used to talking to someone of the opposite sex that aren't date-related? That might help you be more comfortable and confident, too.


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

No other social outlets. I live in a rural area. I do have friends here but all are married or in relationships, so they don't go out that much on their own.

I am not ready to date yet. I am relocating back to my hometown so it doesn't make sense to get involved with someone here.

It just seems daunting to me. I want to go back to dating feeling confident and have fun, not scared and leery of it.

Hopefully in the year or so until I move I can gain confidence and look forward to new experiences and people!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

All normal thoughts. Just feel your feelings and go with the flow.
When you feel up to it, go for it. If you aren't up to it, don't do it. 

Good luck


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## eands (Jun 28, 2013)

After my divorce I didn't date for 18months,............ I went to a friends party met a wonderful man who is now my husband. As they say what"s for you won"t pass you by


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

And anyone with a Sonic Scrwedriver in their avatar is bound to find someone


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Hahaha, Sam -- I was thinking the same thing.


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

LOL

#1 dating must - Must Love The Doctor

<3


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> I hear you, LA. Dating has not been much of a part of my life -- and wasn't before I got married, either. So I don't even have old experience to draw on, lol.
> 
> After our marriages, it will be a huge change, but from what I hear, it gets easier the more you do it. I've spent a lot of time working on myself, and finding out what I will and will not tolerate from someone.
> 
> ...


This entire post, especially the bolded. Right now I'm talking to a few guys from my past because it's "safe" but another part of me says I should really explore the outside world in regards to dating. If it didn't work back in the day - why would it work now? 

I have a job where I interact with the opposite sex all day, but I can't say I'm finding it to helpful right now. I understand the principles of flirting but my confidence is not where it should be. Doesn't help that STBXH tried to destroy it in a million subtle ways. 

Been working out and doing weight watchers - not to be totally shallow but it does help my confidence level feeling that I look like I take care of myself.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Yep , absolutely scared sh1tless , almost feel sick from the thought.
The thing to for me is , it all seems to be dating dating now . l rarely dated when l was single before yet new dozens of girls. Did have a couple of dates but that was it. Never liked them.
l use to , dunno what'lll happen this time but it's already happened like this once already and l haven't even begun.
But l dunno , somehow somewhere l would just meet a girl , we'd click and it'd just go from there.
l never liked wasting time with girls l didn't really like on sight and feel good around straight away so never bothered dating at all really . Use to just wait till l met someone. 
It even accidentally happened once already this time like that. Went out to check out a job , nice girl comes to door , it just took of from there all on it's own.
Don't bloody know anyone at all these days though so l'm scared sh1tless about that angle too. l use to know people. Still , manged to stumble across that first one so hoping that just happens again sometime.

l did however accidentally meet my x in this singles club we were both in just for fun , never expected anything though , but then l met her , knew in seconds l'd marry her too.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

whitehawk said:


> l rarely dated when l was single before yet new dozens of girls. Did have a couple of dates but that was it. Never liked them.
> 
> l never liked wasting time with girls l didn't really like on sight and feel good around straight away so never bothered dating at all really .


Me, too. I was never a big dater and then I got married and then got divorced.


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## sarcasmo (Feb 1, 2013)

whitehawk said:


> It even accidentally happened once already this time like that. Went out to check out a job , nice girl comes to door , it just took of from there all on it's own.


Yeah. That was my wife you met at the door, a$$hole!!  Just kidding!!!


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

I've met two people now that were either celibate for about 6 years or fresh out of a long term relationship. The one that was celibate had less drama about it but as soon as the intimacy barrier was crossed it was like they were a teenager getting it for the first time and you could barely keep up. The one fresh out of a 13 yr marriage likes the fantasy of just dating and casual sex but when I showed up the first time fantasy became reality and she got really nervous and realized she wasn't as ready as she thought. 

I think in the majority of cases you're just worried about either rebounding into something and settling or having another bad relationship. Seems like a few people I've known have turned to friends with benefits situations because they get a little jaded about life and figure that's the only point of anything is just screwing. It's a phase that passes though. 

Just my 2 cents no one asked for.....lol


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

You should date with no expectations. Do it to be social, to get back in the groove. Just go with the flow. Don't go with the Intention of finding the "one".


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## Sincererlytrying (Oct 31, 2012)

We're separated now. Let me tell you that a little dating really improved my sense of well being in the last 2 months. After the marriage dissolved and I moved out, having a nice looking woman show interest, smile at me, flirt, remember details about me, and kiss me like I haven't been kissed in years is awesome. 

It ended up not lasting very long, but it was good. Now I know it won't all be bad.

It helps that I'm a 44 yo professional working in a large organization, implemented the 180 last fall, lost 25 pounds (BMI is now 21.5), and exercise to the point of being in the best shape of my life. 

Work on yourself, practice flirting and socializing and it will start to happen naturally. It's very different than when I was in college and met the STBXW.


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

LivingAgain,
There's nothing wrong or unusual with being nervous about dating once you are single again.

There was one piece of advice that served me very well in my own D and afterwards... "It takes time, usually a couple years, to get clear of the wreckage of your (former) marriage. Promise yourself you won't make any life decisions (like remarry) until you know inside yourself that you are 'clear' [of the aforementioned] as you will feel quite different about things then vs. today"

I took that to mean that I would be a work in progress for a while, and I was. 

The trust issues and loneliness that you feel now aren't going to be the same in a couple years. Likely they will be much better (but there's no guarantees in life). What you can take from it though is to tell yourself "this too shall pass", and take things day by day with the attitude that in time you're going to be ok and even better inside your own head and life again. It's process nearly all who D go through, and it means you'll get through it too. It amazing how much your perspective and situation can change, but I can't show it to you - you just have to have faith and go forward through it yourself.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

LivingAgain said:


> No other social outlets. I live in a rural area. I do have friends here but all are married or in relationships, so they don't go out that much on their own.
> 
> I am not ready to date yet. I am relocating back to my hometown so it doesn't make sense to get involved with someone here.
> 
> ...



Think of dating like one would have in the 50s, or what was portrayed on tv.......make it all about fun and getting to know someone, having fun, him wooing you etc.
Don't rush the sex (or allow it to be rushed) - it changes the dynamic and you might want to get the book by Steve Harvey Act like a Lady think like a man..some invaluable information 
can be gleaned. 
Notice things, like does he open your car door, is he completely attentive to you or does he go on about how awful his EX is or is he checking out the waitress or better yet make it something to do like miniature golf or lighthearted

I live in a College town so the majority to date here are too young for me to bother with, but the eye candy is nice lol 

My hair stylist (48) just finally had her 2yr long divorce finalized and is being a Cougar with a 21 yr old Mexican Waiter she met having dinner one eve.......SMH lol to each his or her own I suppose but I just can't personally wrap my brain around having sex with someone I'm old enough to be their parent....Male or Female it's creepy and rarely works our except in the fantasy lives of Rich and Famous lol


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