# Differences in Dealing with Teen Agers



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

My wife and I can't get on the same page when it comes to handling our teenagers.

I know I am supposed to support my wife, but I don't always agree with her. I am away at work and she is home with the kids. When I come home, I find out they have had an argument and my wife wants me to deal with them. I deal with them in my way, and then I am in trouble for not doing what my wife wanted. If she deals with them, and tells them they can't do something, then I support her. But often she will tell them no, but, "Ask your dad". They ask me and I can't see why they can't go to a friends house for a couple of hours, so I say sure. Then the fight is on. 

My wife grew up in a very strict home. Her father was an alcoholic and was always saying mean things to her. If she went out, he accused her of 'being a ****'. He never trusted her when she was a teenager (talking 16-17 years old). I met her in college and when we got close, I remember her talking about her father and crying about the way he made her feel growing up. When my wife did go out, she somewhat rebelled. Her friends were into smoking pot and she did her share as well. She lost her virginity when she was 16 and had sex with maybe 4 or 5 guys in high school. She never really dated anyone, because she wasn't allowed. She wasn't a ****, but she wasn't a saint either.

I grew up with very little supervision. I was the youngest of five kids and my parents had done the teenager thing with my older siblings. At the age of 15, I was pretty much allowed to do what I wanted. I remember being out late at night with friends who had 'snuck out' and just going home because I was bored. My friends wanted to stay out, because they weren't allowed out. I lost a couple of friends in high school because I refused to do the 'pot thing'. I had a couple of serious girlfriends while in high school and did have sex with one girl before graduation. When I was 19 (university) I went through a promiscuous period where I slept with a bunch of girls after my high school girlfriend dumped me.

Our problem is my wife doesn't trust our children and I probably trust them too much. My daughter is 16 and she will ask to go to a friends for a party. I will ask where she is going, who will be there, will there be parents, when will she be home and I accept her answers and will usually let her go. My wife, asks the same questions, but challenges the answers. She will sometimes be in a bad mood and accuse my daughter of being ****ty. Accuse her of doing things that she might be doing, but my wife has no proof of. My daughter has cried and told me that her mother makes her feel like she is terrible. Makes her want to do the things her mother has accused her of.

My wife complains that she always has to be the 'bad guy' and discipline the kids. But she is the one that chooses to be the bad guy.

My wife wants me to be the same as her. 

Why can't she be the same as me? 

My kids ask me something and instead of answering the way I think I should, I think, what would their mother want. I ask a bunch of questions mostly because I know their mother will be pissed if I don't. If it is 2 in the afternoon and my daughter wants to go to her friends house for a couple of hours before supper. I would just say sure, be home by 5. But because I know what her mother is like I ask, "What are you going to do?" "Where are you going?" "Will anyone else be there?" 

I feel like I am giving her the third degree for no reason. Only to appease her mother. 

How do we solve this problem that is causing my wife and I to not get along?


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

When teenagers are 16, most of the "raising" is already over. Hopefully by this time they know how they should behave--all the groundwork should have been established years before. It's only natural they want some autonomy at this stage in their life. Unfortunately the divorce has forced my teenagers to grow up much too quickly.

I consulted with my therapist a lot about autonomy for my then 16 year old daughters. I basically set boundaries, and as long as they respected those, everything is great. My daughters know what those boundaries are--they are clearly defined. For example, both daughters know they must be home by 7:30 every week day evening. If something comes up, they must call me and discuss it. In exchange I don't interrogate them about where they go, who they were with, etc. I don't accuse them of anything or make negative comments. They are at the point in their lives where they need to learn how to make decisions. And I want them to know that my love is unconditional and I'm always there for them. Perhaps something similar can be worked out between you and your wife. Actually agree to some boundaries and allow your children some autonomy within those boundaries. Just doing that will alleviate so much stress and friction in your household. It did in mine.


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I agree with you 827!!! They are good kids and know what is right and wrong. Mostly from what their mother has taught them. She is a SAHM and has been there forever with them. She was great with them growing up.

Once they have become teenagers, she can't let go. She doesn't trust them. When I mention anything like what you mentioned above, I am pretty much told I am an idiot and have no clue.

There is so much stress because she doesn't trust. I am trying to make decisions that she will agree with. But I am never stern enough for her, or if I am, she knows that I am only doing it to suck up to her.

My wife gets in moods. She gets stressed if company is coming over. She gets stressed if we are going somewhere. If the kids are doing something out of the ordinary. If her mom is at our house. All these things make her stressed and in a bad mood. She takes her bad moods out on me and now that the kids are older, she takes her bad mood out on them as well. 

Our last blow up was over a fight she had with our daughter and I didn't back her up. She had been grumpy for a week. Rejecting sexual advances from me for a good 10 days or so. Her mom was coming and our oldest daughter (18) was going on a graduation holiday with some friends. I knew that she was in a bad mood and I was staying away from her. She picked a fight with my daughter about something that happened a month ago between the two of them while I was at work. My oldest daughter was there for the fight and told me how unreasonable mom was with my younger daughter. 

How could I support my wife when I was aware that she was grumpy and being mean to me, and taking her bad mood out on our daughter (confirmed by my oldest daughter)?


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Wow! I honestly think you have more issues than just this one. What your wife doesn't realize is that her behavior is driving distance between her and her loved ones. Although she believes she can't trust the children, she is the one pushing them there. They probably already don't want to tell her things. They probably naturally confide in you--and she probably doesn't like that one bit either.

It's probably about time you told your wife you are ready to have peace in the house. Perhaps counseling should be required for you and the children to remain in the house. It's not right for one person to control everything; and it's time for you to take a stand.

Hope you find a workable solution.


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Thanks ... I really believe we need help from a family counselor. I feel like my wife has a number of issues. She makes me feel like I am the one that needs help.


----------

