# New Poster...what the heck do I do now?



## dolcis1 (Apr 28, 2014)

Hi all. A little background info, then I'll cut to the chase. I am a male alcoholic and addict for several years. I've been married for a few years. We've had good times and bad - most of the bad times have been as a result of my addictions. We do not have children. I've been through several rehab treatment centers, both inpatient and outpatient. I've also been hospitalized as a result of depression, complicated by drug use.

In recent months, the marriage has taken a turn for the worse. My wife and I no longer live together. We see each other once a week or so, and we communicate daily. But, this is obviously a shell of our relationship in the past. We are in marriage counseling, but honestly, it's hard to say whether or not it is helping. My wife's family is extremely unsupportive of our marriage. They have made veiled threats to my wife, that if she continues the marriage, they will cut her out of their lives. I no longer feel in love with my wife. Needless to say, this is a huge elephant in the room, along with my addictions.

It saddens me to say, I don't find my wife attractive anymore - I haven't in quite some time. Not just from a physical standpoint...intellectually, emotionally too. As my disease has progressed she has increasingly attempted to control everything - my treatment program, finances, who I hang out with. The list goes on and on. I know this behavior is out of love. But I have a difficult time accepting it - instead, I resent it. And I believe that her codependent behavior, and my reaction to it is akin to pouring fuel on the fire (as it relates to our strained marriage).

About a month ago, I was hospitalized. It was there that even more trouble started, little did I know. I was admitted in a unit which consisted entirely of women, except for me. One of the women I instantly connected with. I was attracted to her physically, but I felt deeper than that. In the few days I was there, I felt like I had known her for years. We connected on so many levels...I was shocked. But the reality was, we were in the hospital, and I'm married. Under the circumstances, I didn't feel that it was anything I would act on. Upon my discharge, we hugged, but didn't exchange any information...so I thought that would be the end of it.

Immediately after my stay in the hospital, I was referred to the care of an intensive dual diagnosis rehab. The day I had my intake appointment, I was surprised to see the person I outlined above was also there. During the time I was in the program, our relationship continued with friendship and eventually lots of winks and flirting. We eventually exchanged numbers and began texting and talking outside of treatment.

After we were both discharged from the program, we started hanging out together. In short order, we were kissing, touchy feely, the whole nine yards. Before I knew it, we were having sex - passionate, intense, amazing sex - nothing like I've experienced with my wife. While all this is going on, the feelings I had in the hospital (that we knew each other for years) has not been lost or soured. If anything, it's gotten stronger. I've been able to tell her things that I've never been able to be honest about before. I feel like she's my long lost best friend.

Now, I do have a conscience. And, I'll admit, I knew what I was doing was wrong, immoral, against all of my values. It was eating me up. And, it was eating her up too. She's going through a divorce - one that is nearly finalized. She has several children in what was her 1st marriage. During the affair, we quite often had "what are we doing" conversations. Something had to give.

Just the other day, the inevitable ultimatum came - leave your wife, or this can't continue. In a way, I was relieved. I couldn't live with myself if the affair continued much longer. On the other hand, this brought forth a huge decision, which could dramatically effect my life, and others' lives as well. I have to be honest, I am so crazy about this person that I was strongly considering leaving my wife to pursue a relationship with her.

Today, my decision was dramatically complicated by a conversation with my mistress that after an argument with her ex husband, she was out using drugs and having physical contact (to what extent I don't know) with other women and men. All the while, she was sending me steamy messages indicating her desire to be with me. I told her that her statements were at odds with her behavior (if you want me, then why are you with other people). Not surprisingly, she reminded me that I have a wife, and therefore, she is not "mine." Basically, the writing was on the wall - this behavior is a possibility until I leave my wife. Needless to say, this has given me serious pause. I'm still crazy about her, but now I can't help but wonder if this behavior really will stop if I leave my wife and devote myself to her. On the flipside, do I tough it out in a marriage for which I have nearly lost hope? How (if at all), do I tell my wife about the affair?

Before anyone comes out with the bleak predictions on rehab romances...I am aware, and I don't need to be preached to about it. Having said that, I do realize that it's a big factor in this situation.

The question is, what on God's green earth do I do now?  Your thoughts and advice is truly appreciated.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

In my opinion, cut your wife lose, and this other woman. Everything in your life sounds pretty toxic right now. I'm not saying rehab romances never work out, but two people with addictions in a relationship is bound to be hard and unhealthy. Also part of what you may be feeling is a fog that you are both in because you both found each other in similar situations in the same place. She doesn't sound well right now, and any recovery you might be in might be destroyed by her. You need to take care of you and focus on getting better, not going from one relationship to another right now.


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## ecotime47 (Apr 3, 2013)

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing so openly with us. 

I understand what you're going through. Things haven't been good at home for some time and then you meet someone that makes you feel alive again. I get it. It's not easy.

What is the right thing to do? You made a lifelong commitment to your wife. It sounds like she has stuck with you through a whole lot of hardship and pain. I think you owe it to her to continue with counseling and see if you can work things out.

Given your history, I think it's important for you to recognize destructive behaviors. Chasing after this other woman certainly sounds like another destructive decision. They are ultimately unfulfilling and leave you worse off in the end. 

I"ll be praying for you today.


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

The program suggests to avoid making any major life decisions the first year of sobriety. Right now the chemicals in your brain are so out of balance and will be for the next several months. Who knows how you will feel about your wife in a year? The ow is nothing but a drug replacement. The love chemicals are one in the same. The ow is already self destructing. She will take you down with her. You can't save her.


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