# A new step........



## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Well. I just wanted to thank BigBadWolf, Deejo, MEM, and Conrad for all the info over the past 1.5 years. Wife is filing for divorce. We are doing it uncontested as we both just don't want to take advantage of each other. Very amicable. I have found a place which I should be moving into in May. 4 kids are hurting, but both of us are dedicated to making our focus on helping them instead of being selfish. In the end, I have made the changes I needed to make. I have become such a better man than I ever could have imagined when it all started. I am thankful for this experience.

Both of us really need to recover from our marriage. We both agree we need to forgive each other, but it is so dang hard when you have to look at each other every day. She wants to come swimming at the new place. We will share the kids on holidays and have the holidays together for now. We are even doing a family vacation this summer which is strange.

Fact is, she can't provide what I need in this marriage. I can't provide her what she needs. Maybe we will have a new marriage together in the future, maybe not. There is love there, but also hurt, resentment. Sometimes what looks like a step back is actually a step forward? 

I am looking forward to stepping out of the battle for a while and just being--------ME. Thanks.


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

Sounds like you are both doing the right thing. Your kids may not understand now but this is what is best for them as well. If you are meant to be together it will happen. Good luck to both of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Dedicated
I don't know about this arrangement. She is divorcing you because she feels that you cannot meet all of her needs.

But she wants to go on vacation and come over and swim at your new place.

NO NO NO. Don't do it. You are falling back into the nice guy trap. Think about it. You are meeting her needs as much as she wants from you. But what do you get in return? 

A chance to be used for vacations swimming blah blah. 

She wanted the divorce then she gets a divorce. You get to heal from this and take your new found skills to a new woman. 

I hope the guys come her and hit you with a 2X4 you need it to knock you out of this fog.

You will never break the bond to her if you are seeing her all of the time. Show her the real new you, escort her out of the door when she comes for a swim. Tell her that you are meeting a woman in a string bikini at the pool and you don't want to be seen with your EXXX. Remember EEXXXX


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Dedicated
> I don't know about this arrangement. She is divorcing you because she feels that you cannot meet all of her needs.
> 
> But she wants to go on vacation and come over and swim at your new place.
> ...


The bond is broken. I really do not care if she comes or not, but I will not deny my children the opportunity to be with the both of us at the same time. In regards to new women........it will be years before I entertain the thought of a relationship. I have been married since 20. 

Some people can be giving people and maintain their identity as a person.......just saying. There is no fog.

If you were able to see the dynamics of the relationship, you would understand much clearer. It is very strange. She has wounds from her childhood that keep her from moving on with her life. She has relied on me for everything for 13 years. I have worked while she stayed home. I don't know how she plans on doing it, but she is going to try to live off child support and her baby sitting money. The support is less than a court would issue as she doesn't want to "rob me of having a life". It is like she is making it hard on herself on purpose. Her self esteem is a joke. She says things like, "I can just be alone for the rest of my life." and "You deserve someone who can love you and loves themself." 

And, she doesn't want to get a job. I don't know. It is just plain weird.

Sometimes, you just can't use the "blanket" reaction for every senario.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Dedicated,
Your Wife is choosing the "self talk of failure". She sets the bar very low for herself and then behaves accordingly and for 13 years you have picked up the slack. 

A few things to think about: 
- Good for you for not tolerating her lack of commitment to you and the marriage. 
- This "I won't be ready to date for years" is ridiculous. 

You need to go out and DATE. Personally I think you should be cautious and selective when it comes to SEX. But you need to start dating. I completely understand that you aren't emotionally ready to get "involved" but what you need to accept is that it will take you a while to meet someone you really like, so you should start that process now. 

Until your W sees you DATING, she is going to believe at some level that you are still an option if she feels inclined to offer you a few small crumbs. Meaning, you remain her easily obtained "Plan B" for the price of a few roles in the hay. Not saying that is correct. But at some level she believes it. 

And this bit about remarrying her. OK, maybe that might happen and even be good. But if you are saying stuff like that to HER, she is thinking you are her Plan B, AND her Plan C. That is actually quite bad for her. The more she believes that will minimal effort she can go back to "Oz", where the Wizard buffers her from all the flying monkeys and evils of the world, the less motivation she will feel to do anything constructive with her life. 




Dedicated2Her said:


> The bond is broken. I really do not care if she comes or not, but I will not deny my children the opportunity to be with the both of us at the same time. In regards to new women........it will be years before I entertain the thought of a relationship. I have been married since 20.
> 
> Some people can be giving people and maintain their identity as a person.......just saying. There is no fog.
> 
> ...


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Dedicated,
> Your Wife is choosing the "self talk of failure". She sets the bar very low for herself and then behaves accordingly and for 13 years you have picked up the slack.
> 
> A few things to think about:
> ...


Maybe you are right. Possibly I will feel differently about dating once I get into my place and get settled. It has just been a long road, my friend. Just tired of it all.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Wow. Do you have a shirt that reads "Step here" on the back? Because you are a door mat. Your children need to have a healthy father who respects himself and demonstrates what a man is; not a door mat who hangs around with his ex wife. You can rationalize it all you want, but you are being used. You need to read "No More Mr Nice Guy" and the "man up" posts again because you didn't learn anything, I'm sorry to say.

Good luck to you. You will need it.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Wow. Do you have a shirt that reads "Step here" on the back? Because you are a door mat. Your children need to have a healthy father who respects himself and demonstrates what a man is; not a door mat who hangs around with his ex wife. You can rationalize it all you want, but you are being used. You need to read "No More Mr Nice Guy" and the "man up" posts again because you didn't learn anything, I'm sorry to say.
> 
> Good luck to you. You will need it.


Thank you for the useless post. SO hanging around your ex wife is using 3 to 4 situations over a six month period? Does anyone NOT take things to extreme? I hardly think seeing the ex for a couple hours every 5-6 wks is considered "hanging out". 

My mindset is NOT to be good friends with her, but I do have to coparent with her. You can call it rationalizing or whatever. You don't have all the facts about the dynamic that is going on. 

I don't really care to put all the relationship out there because I don't really have time to spell it all out, and I really tired of talking about it and thinking about it. Just going to move on and start a new chapter. 

I am doing a divorce recovery class at the church. Part of the program is agreeing to not date for the first year. I have quite a big support system in place around me to help me through this and do the right thing in senarios instead of what I want to do. I need to recover for a little while, and who knows, meeting someone who is successful in a career is a very attractive thing after being with a SAHM for so long.

Next time you want to attack someone's fathering ability, their masculinity, and their morality in a post, ask yourself if you have done the research on this particular individual enough to know what you say is true.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

it is best for the children if you remain amicable with the ex, no doubt. but you will be embarking on a new life too, and you have to start thinking about yourself. it takes alot of work, i think you have it figured out for now.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Dedicated2Her said:


> The bond is broken. I really do not care if she comes or not, but I will not deny my children the opportunity to be with the both of us at the same time. In regards to new women........it will be years before I entertain the thought of a relationship. I have been married since 20.
> 
> Some people can be giving people and maintain their identity as a person.......just saying. There is no fog.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry it has come to this, but for her sake and yours only later. It seems like a good plan right now. She has never had to fend for herself. My only warning here is that you might want to consider financially what you are going to do if she changes her mind and decides YOU should be paying alimony. At any time, someone could convince her otherwise. Has she given you a budget, shown you how she is planning to pay her bills on what you've offered and no job? Child support can be adjusted at any time. Just saying you might want to do some math, and help her find a job. Good luck, I hope you are able to emotionally heal


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

DedicatedtoHer,

Will you change your moniker now?

In case you think I'm ripping you, I'm not. I'm in almost the exact same place you are. A stalemate where my wife wishes to keep the ticket to the "Land of Oz" open at her discretion.

MEM's post is correct.

Think about this and pray about.





MEM11363 said:


> Dedicated,
> Your Wife is choosing the "self talk of failure". She sets the bar very low for herself and then behaves accordingly and for 13 years you have picked up the slack.
> 
> A few things to think about:
> ...


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> I'm sorry it has come to this, but for her sake and yours only later. It seems like a good plan right now. She has never had to fend for herself. My only warning here is that you might want to consider financially what you are going to do if she changes her mind and decides YOU should be paying alimony. At any time, someone could convince her otherwise. Has she given you a budget, shown you how she is planning to pay her bills on what you've offered and no job? Child support can be adjusted at any time. Just saying you might want to do some math, and help her find a job. Good luck, I hope you are able to emotionally heal


Yes, we have looked at the budget. We have agreed upon a support number and it is in line with what a judge would order in our state. She has started keeping a little girl during the week that gets her 200/wk in revenue. We will be very close to each other in disposable income.



> DedicatedtoHer,
> 
> Will you change your moniker now?
> 
> ...


HAHA! I might change it, but it is interesting to look at that moniker and see where I've been, where I am now, and where I am going. In regards to dating, etc, I am adhering to 1 Corinthians 7:15. I am letting her go, and I am not called to bondage in such cases. I am called to peace. If that means dating, so be it. If it means just being me for a while, that is cool to. I know this is the right thing because I'm actually kind of excited about it.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Dedicated2Her said:


> I am doing a divorce recovery class at the church. Part of the program is agreeing to not date for the first year. I have quite a big support system in place around me to help me through this and do the right thing in senarios instead of what I want to do. I need to recover for a little while, and who knows, meeting someone who is successful in a career is a very attractive thing after being with a SAHM for so long.


I don't see this as a bad idea, though it depends upon the definition of dating. I would urge you to go out and interact with others in group settings, including both men and women. You have been married for sometime, and need to get a feel for your new self while interact with others. Making friends and interacting in social settings will give you the confidence to go forward when you are ready. One on one may be too soon, but doing things with others, that includes women, will be healthy for you.

I would also urge you to reconsider hanging out with your wife. You need to distance yourself and prepare for being single. Being together for a period of time (beyond exchanging the kids) under any circumstances runs the real risk of sending the wrong message. It also runs the risk of giving your kids hope that mom and dad will get back together. While you see it as co-existing for their sake, they may see it as mom and dad taking steps to stay married. Stringing your kids along would obviously be bad, so consider that potential.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> I don't see this as a bad idea, though it depends upon the definition of dating. I would urge you to go out and interact with others in group settings, including both men and women. You have been married for sometime, and need to get a feel for your new self while interact with others. Making friends and interacting in social settings will give you the confidence to go forward when you are ready. One on one may be too soon, but doing things with others, that includes women, will be healthy for you.


Definition of dating----one on one. I'm down with the group thing for the short term. I haven't looked or felt this good since I played college football. I'm excited about the new opportunities. I have a whole new group of friends through this experience. Many of them are divorced and are providing me with some great insight, things they wished they would have done differently, etc.



> I would also urge you to reconsider hanging out with your wife. You need to distance yourself and prepare for being single. Being together for a period of time (beyond exchanging the kids) under any circumstances runs the real risk of sending the wrong message. It also runs the risk of giving your kids hope that mom and dad will get back together. While you see it as co-existing for their sake, they may see it as mom and dad taking steps to stay married. Stringing your kids along would obviously be bad, so consider that potential.
> Today 07:53 AM


I definitely agree, and I am torn on the issue. We will take it day by day and see what happens. The great part of this is that this whole thing has brought me so close to the kids. My kids and I can truly talk openly and honestly about everything.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Your life, your choices, advice is usually going to be colored by the experience of others.

You know what being a doormat is. You get to decide if you are being one or not.

I have done virtually everything you outline with your ex. We vacationed with the kids, we have gone out on family dates.

It isn't about hoping your ex, wants you back. Least not for me. It was about making it clear to the kids that mom and dad are still mom and dad.

However ... I will tell you the flip-side of trying to make everything look 'pretty' for the benefit of the kids... from the perspective of someone that has done it for the last 3 years.

_It keeps the kids hope alive ..._

The more you try to paint the picture that mom and dad get along? The more your children will then wonder why you aren't together.

I'm not telling you it's a bad thing ... I'm just telling you it 'is'.

My daughter asks more questions now about why we can't be together, then she did when I moved out in 08.

Here is a very simple truth that you need to come to terms with about divorce;

Nobody gets everything that they want when it comes to divorce. Everybody gets shafted ... in some shape or form.

Not you, not your ex, not your kids. Everyone will suffer with sadness and disappointment at some point, and at some level, for a very long time.

You'll learn to accept it and work around it.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Deejo did you stop spending time with the kids and your wife?

This might derail a new relationship. I can't see a new love interest going along with vacations with your wife and kids. If it were me I would be gone by the time you came back home. 

How does that work? That is what I am concerned about with Dedicated. He has a wife who is essentially remaining a SAHM with a husband. 

The only thing is, they don't live together. Their lives are still intertwined and she depends on him.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

It's not a winning formula.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Catherine602 said:


> Deejo did you stop spending time with the kids and your wife?
> 
> This might derail a new relationship. I can't see a new love interest going along with vacations with your wife and kids. If it were me I would be gone by the time you can=me back home.
> 
> ...


My circumstances are remarkably similar to his ... right down to the ex-wife that doesn't want to get a job. Not my place to MAKE her get one ... and when it comes down to it, I can't. Nor am I interested in doing so. It's a waste of energy.


Derail a new relationship? Obviously you aren't part of the mid-life-post-divorce-dating-with-kids scene.

I wasn't in a relationship at the time I went away with the ex and kids ... nor would I be remotely interested in pursuing a relationship with anyone that questioned my decision to do so ... have a field day with that one ...

Most marriages DO NOT utterly crash, burn, and explode. Most of them just quietly collapse into ruin. I see that a lot around here. There are some pops and bangs ... but in very few cases, do you just utterly write the other person off and walk away. That just isn't how it usually rolls. Nor should it ... if you have young children.

If there are kids involved then you are ALWAYS going to have some level of invested interactions with your ex ... presuming that you still want to parent your kids. That's just how it goes. 

I'm not advocating that anyone decide to vacation with their ex and their children. But for the record, we had a great time. We got to watch our kids, laugh, smile, play and enjoy it as a family ... didn't matter that we weren't a couple and didn't sleep in the same room. 

Point is ... you get to choose. You get to choose what is right, and what works for YOU and your kids. If you want to make it right for someone else ... well that's up to YOU too.

The reality of most of the post-divorce relationships that I am familiar with, where kids are involved is that interaction with, or time spent with an ex at b-day parties, gatherings, plays, events ... is a given.

I'll be attending my daughter's ice-show right along with my son, the ex and the boyfriend in 2 weeks. Were I to choose not to go, whom would I be serving?

My kids are doing pretty well in the scheme of things. But we are definitely 'winding down' on the doing things as a family part of our divorce journey.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

KanDo said:


> Wow. Do you have a shirt that reads "Step here" on the back? Because you are a door mat. Your children need to have a healthy father who respects himself and demonstrates what a man is; not a door mat who hangs around with his ex wife. You can rationalize it all you want, but you are being used. You need to read "No More Mr Nice Guy" and the "man up" posts again because you didn't learn anything, I'm sorry to say.
> 
> Good luck to you. You will need it.


He may have an epiphany moment around your words in 20 years time when he looks back on this chapter in his life. But there’s no guarantee.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Deejo said:


> The reality of most of the post-divorce relationships that I am familiar with, where kids are involved is that interaction with, or time spent with an ex at b-day parties, gatherings, plays, events ... is a given.
> 
> I'll be attending my daughter's ice-show right along with my son, the ex and the boyfriend in 2 weeks. Were I to choose not to go, whom would I be serving?
> 
> My kids are doing pretty well in the scheme of things. But we are definitely 'winding down' on the doing things as a family part of our divorce journey.


To me, I see these activities as fundamentally different than taking a vacation together. As you note, your choice is to attend with your ex and her boyfriend, or not get to see your daughter's ice-show. I certainly think that being mature and civil for these things is a must. Vacationing seems different. If I were in a long term relationship, and my significant other wanted to go on such a vacation without me, but with her ex, I think that would be a deal-breaker for me. Clearly it works for you, so God Bless, but I just don't know how I could do it.

While this is a bit off topic, I hope that this type of discussion is useful to the OP as he works through how he wants and needs to manage his own situation.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> To me, I see these activities as fundamentally different than taking a vacation together. As you note, your choice is to attend with your ex and her boyfriend, or not get to see your daughter's ice-show. I certainly think that being mature and civil for these things is a must. Vacationing seems different. If I were in a long term relationship, and my significant other wanted to go on such a vacation without me, but with her ex, I think that would be a deal-breaker for me. Clearly it works for you, so God Bless, but I just don't know how I could do it.


I agree with this. The key of it is that I will not be in a long term relationship in June after moving out in May. I have not committed to any other "family vacations".



> It's not a winning formula


I know. I'm not choosing it, but I have no choice in the matter. I have to make the best of it for me. Truly, the past 1.5 years have been hell. You would think I would be upset looking at apartments, but I was really excited. I will just do my best to make the best of a really garbage situation. She needs to work, but I can't make that choice for her. I just have to "kick the bird out of the nest".



> This might derail a new relationship. I can't see a new love interest going along with vacations with your wife and kids. If it were me I would be gone by the time you came back home.
> 
> How does that work? That is what I am concerned about with Dedicated. He has a wife who is essentially remaining a SAHM with a husband.
> 
> ...


Yeah. It is BS to the upmost degree. I won't be vacationing with the family if I am dating someone. I'm not happy about all this, but I have done everything that can be expected of someone to try and salvage this relationship. I can't be responsible for her decisions and her actions. All I will say is I refuse to manipulate and I will try to approach everyday as a new day. If it leads my wife back towards me, fine. If it doesn't, that is fine too. I will not pursue. I will not seek friendship. However, I will be the dad I can be and that includes being a person who treats the other coparent with respect and the love of Christ.

Regardless of whether she files or not, I am moving out in May. She hasn't done it yet, and I am curious as to whether she really will. If she doesn't, I will file a legal seperation and move out with a 12 month lease on an apartment. I need my time. If she wants to engage with me about reconciliation, she can date me. I don't believe in divorce, but I refuse to be in bondage anymore.


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