# Is it over?



## shakeitout (Jul 31, 2012)

So a brief history, I've been with my husband for over 11 years, married 9. Shortly before our first anniversary we began trying for a baby without any success. We tried for a year but it never happened and eventually began to take a toll on our marriage. I can admit I was a bit obsessed with the ttc thing and we kind of lost touch for awhile. During this period of time he became close friends with an older woman at work. They became closer and closer and eventually began to have an emotional affair (or so I thought, more on that later). Breaking point was reached and he ended up asking me to leave one night only to come back begging the next day. I took him back on the terms that he cut off communication with his "friend" only he didn't. They grew closer still and eventually I asked who he'd choose if he absolutely had to and he didn't have an answer. After much consideration I ended up asking him to leave and we were separated for a month. The time apart was just what we needed and things were wonderful when we got back together. Just like when we were first married, before ttc and everything. 

After a few years we had 2 wonderful sons and things were still going well. Until he let it slip that it wasn't just an emotional affair, he had sex with her. I was really upset that he lied to me for years and felt that our marriage was built on lies. I wondered what would have happened if I hadn't took him back but if I hadn't I wouldn't have my children so it's something I can never regret. I forgave him and was slowly started to regain my trust in him. 

Fast forward to now. In mid June I started noticing really suspicious behavior. He put a lock on his phone, one of those pattern things you have to draw, which he had never bothered using before. He never let his phone out of sight and seemed to constantly be texting someone. It was odd because he was never big on texting before. The red flags starting going up when he said mentioned something about it being a male coworker of his that he was texting. A coworker who just happened to have a newborn. I thought it was odd that he was texting him that often because who has that much time with a newborn in the house? I eventually went to our phone bill and the truth smacked me in the face. There were tons of texts to a number I didn't recognize. Like almost 900 texts exchanged in a week. I reached my breaking point when he was off work for 5 days straight and spent the entire time texting that number instead of spending any time with his family. I eventually snapped and confronted him about it, showing him the phone bill and asking who he was texting. He denied doing anything wrong and insisted it was just a friend but refused to show me any of the texts. I ended up taking the kids and going to my mom's. 

Of course he came back begging saying he was a horrible father and husband and promising to do better. He said his friend felt awful for causing trouble for us but still insisted they were just friends and it was harmless flirting. I stayed at my mom's for a week before coming home, thinking things would be different but nothing really changed. He was still texting a lot, just not when the kids were up. Basically, once the kids were down for the night he'd pull out his phone and text away, ignoring me completely. Our next phone bill came in and I was enraged! He had almost 4000 texts to that number in a month! I confronted him yet again and we spent the entire weekend talking about it but when I'd check the phone bill the next day I'd see that as soon as I went to bed, the texts to her began again. Sunday morning he forget to log out of his Facebook account and when I opened the page I discovered messages from her (finally a name and age, she's 23 btw). It might have been harmless flirting to him, but it clearly wasn't to her. She's obviously has feelings for him and never once did he try and let her down gently or anything. Once the kids were in bed Sunday night I confronted him for the final time and said that he must feel something for her since he keeps responding to her messages even when he knows it bothered me. I admitted that I was scared that what had happened before years ago would happen again since he was acting the same way he was then. He insisted they were just friends but I'm certain he's just denying his true feelings. Why else would he continue messaging her? 

It ended with me asking him to leave. For now the kids and I are staying in the house and he's staying at his parents. I've left the ball completely in his court. Rather than trying to force him to stop, since I know that would just lead to resentment, I've left it up to him to figure out what he wants. I do still love him and I've never once even thought of being with someone outside of my marriage. I'm just not sure the trust issues can be resolved. He's not even sure why it happened again but I think it has a lot to do with attention from a younger woman making him feel young again. He's adamant that it hasn't went beyond texts and I do believe him but I feel that they were heading down that path and who knows what would have happened had I not discovered it when I did. I do want to try and save my marriage but I'm not sure how. I guess it depends on what he decides to do now. 

Sorry for writing a novel but it felt really good to get this all off my chest with someone who doesn't know either of us. I welcome any advice or suggestions. Thanks for reading.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this..

You cannot make anothe person do anything. But what you can do is to set your own boundaries. If he decides that he wants to come back and recover your marriage there are things that you should require of him.

He has to go no-contect with the OW. This means that he has to write her a letter saying that the affair was wrong and and hurtful to you. So he cannot have any further contact with her. The both of you need to be their when he mails it or emails it.

He has to become completely transparnet... give you all the passwords to his computer accounts, cell phone, etc. 

He has to account for all of his time.


I do not believe that his affair has not gone physical. Few men would engage in that much chat with someone they were not getting sex from. The effort expended has to equal the reward... that's part of what drives an affair.

Does this girl now that he's married with children? One thing that I would do is to get a picture of all of you together as a family and send it to this girl. Ask her why she wants to hurt your children and destroy their family. If she does not know he is married that should send her packing.


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## shakeitout (Jul 31, 2012)

Thank you for the advice. Having him write her a letter is a great idea. I had thought about asking for access to everything if he does come back. 

I just noticed a mistake in my post that I'll have to correct. The messages started in mid June, not a few months ago. I went back and looked over some old phone bills and couldn't find the number anywhere. 

I really doubt it has gone physical. Other than texting, there have been no red flags. He works really long hours, 60+ hours every week and he's never late getting home. All of his weekends are spent with us. There was no indication of a physical relationship in any of the messages I saw. I DO believe they were heading there though. 


She DOES know he is married with children though. It just didn't seem to bother her. In the messages I saw, she says things like "I know you'd be here with me if you could" and talks about how much it sucks that she can't have him. I have thought of sending her a Facebook message just to ask her why but I'm not sure if that would help things or make it worse.


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