# How do you set boundaries?



## Venusina (May 13, 2012)

I have been married for 1 year and I dated my hubby for 4 years -on and off-. Since our baby was born 8 months ago and we live in our own house 2 months ago, he's a lot more "down to earth".

We used to fight a lot because N number of problems. I even decided I didn't want to get married just 4 days before. But finally decided to try it... After all, he's the father of my daughter and well...

I am Co-Dependent, and very very jealous.

He did drugs, is an alcoholic (he isn't active anymore), he cheated, he hit me once, he lied and God knows what else.

He's 28 and I am 26.

Everyone is going to wonder WHY did I marry him. I must be insane. I am codependent. I love him. And I never lost hope on him...

Well.

He does not do any of the things I listed above anymore but, and I m happy with my baby and with him because, despite of all the bad things, after being in the rock bottom he actually got up... I can think because I've helped him...

But anyways, that was just a little bit of my story.

In all these years, I never set any boundaries. That's why we have a lot of communicating problems. 

We've been doing pretty good lately. No fights or anything big. 
I think is normal to get mad at each other sometimes? But make no big deals out of things.

Anyways, back to the topic. 

*I don't know how to set boundaries!* I don't want to be aggresive. Or plaintiff. Or bad. _I want to set them with love and make a better relationship everyday.
_
Ideas anyone?


Thanks!


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## Sunshine72 (May 24, 2012)

I'm working on this, too. I do not proclaim to be any type of expert. Hubby and I have gone through problems as well, and I've always had issues setting boundaries. I'm learning that if I speak up kindly when something offends me and explain how it makes me feel without getting overly upset he absorbes it and makes an effort to change the behavior. Sometimes he'll get defensive and seem angry at the moment but when that passes he does show some effort. When he does get defensive I don't fuel his anger. I justlet him have his "moment" and let it go. We seem to be making some progress. I'll be interested to see what the experts have to say. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

There is a book, Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend, that I've seen recommended by two different forum members here, from what I've seen of it it does precisely what you're asking about, it guides you to compromising and setting appropriate marital boundaries with your spouse.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

We all have boundaries. It's the line you draw in the sand. "I won't beat my children." "I won't steal from the employer." "I won't cheat on my spouse."

A boundary in your marriage is a metaphorical wall you put up between your marriage and outsiders that could breach that marriage. 

For example some of my boundaries are...

-A male friend doesn't come to the house for a visit unless my husband is also there.
-My husband knows who my friends are. There aren't secret friendships.
-I don't flirt with any male friend
-I don't talk to male friends about any marital problems.
-I don't bad mouth my spouse to a male friend.
-I don't call or text a friend more than call or text my spouse.
-Any email I write to a male friend can be read by my spouse. My spouse knows my email passwords and I know his. There's nothing to hide. 

I can't take credit for the information below re: boundaries. I read it on another forum a long time ago. I saved it because it's really well written.


A boundary is not defined as "something I don't like."

A boundary is defined as "something I will defend no matter what."

A very common question is, "How do I enforce a boundary? How do I make my spouse stop lying, how do I make my spouse stop dating OP, how do I make my spouse start taking care of our family instead of someone else's?"

The answer is: You don't.

Trying to "make" people do the things listed above is not enforcing a boundary. It's control, it's manipulation, it's laying down demands, etc. etc. etc.

And none of it works.

The answer to the question, "How Do I Enforce A Boundary?" is virtually always the same:

You remove yourself from the situation. You stop allowing the boundary trespasser to have any access to you at all.

This is what's meant by, "You can't control others. You can only control yourself."

You can't "make" your spouse stop lying to you - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

You can't "make" your spouse stop dating affair partner - - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

You can't "make" your spouse take care of your family instead of someone else's - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

Boundaries are for *you*. They are to protect you from people who would do you harm. They are NOT about "making" others do anything. They are about protecting *YOU*.

Castle walls don't make the invaders stop their cruel and destructive attitudes - but they do protect you from their intrusion.

Boundaries are castle walls.

And as far as anger goes, you will find that good boundaries will make much of it go away. Good boundaries really do make RAGE dissipate, because anger + fear = rage. Good boundaries keep you safe, and when you are safe, fear goes away. You will certainly have some righteous anger left, sure, but the RAGE will fade away because there is no longer the fear hanging around to fuel it.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

One of the key steps (I'm codependent too) is to find a safe support person or group. No way on heck could I have set boundaries without support. And no it can't be your husband. 

I second the boundary book by Cloud and Townsend. Awesome read.


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