# Vacationing without your SO/spouse



## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

***UPDATE 8/31/12 page 4***

Well, I'm not talking about just any vacation, to see family, hang out with your friends...but would you guys be okay with your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend going away to a notorious "party place" (Cabo, Miami, Panama City, Cancun, etc...) with a group of single / unhappily married or attached friends with the sole purpose of partying it up for a week? Especially with alcohol involved? Whether it's for a special occasion or not?

Okay, now that I've asked the question, let me back up a little bit and explain some more =)

I usually take 2-4 vacations a year to see my family in various parts of the world and the US, and my boyfriend normally takes 1 week off a year with his now 8-year old son, and several with his friends/family, before he met me. He and his friends frequented places like the Jersey Shore, Panama, Cancun, and Vegas. We have been together for one year now. He is in his mid-40s and I am 15 years younger. We see each other 4-5x a week, and we stay over in each other's places. He was long-divorced when I met him. We also vacation together quite frequently, mostly on long weekends.

He and I are in a serious relationship and we are considering marriage in the future. 

He sees his son twice a week, and every other weekend, so I see him on the days he's not with his son. He also works 2 jobs 9 months/year so I understand he doesn't have much free time. I encourage him to have some alone time by waiting a few hours to meet up with him on some weekends, and supported him when he wanted to get back into an outdoor sport he loved this summer, even if it meant I was going to see him a little less.

Here is the situation with this: He had taken 3 weeks off from work this summer with the intention of vacationing with first his son, and then me. However, something happened and our vacation was delayed, as I'm going to be in an internship for most of the summer now. So he gave half of his original vacation time to a coworker. Now, he says his ex-wife is thinking of taking his son away on vacation that same week, but nothing is final yet.

He told me yesterday that he is thinking of going on a trip with two male friends, to either Cabo, Cancun, or Panama City, with the purpose of hanging out at the beach and going to clubs and bars, along with lots of drinking, for anywhere from 4 -7 days, during his vacation time. Honestly, that I thought a group of 40-something year old men would want to do something like that was a bit strange. I would think of that as something you do in your 20s/30s at the latest, and when you're single. He now has no idea when he's going to be able to vacation with me and his son.

I know my boyfriend was a big partier and dated a lot when he was younger, so I actually thought that because he was older, he had gotten all that out of his system. He said that he was like that up until he was married in his mid-30s, and he said that the birth of his son actually calmed him down. Even still, he doesn't think highly marriage because of what happened with his ex-wife, as he says. Yet at the same time, he says he loves me and wants to marry me in the future...?? 

Now, I have friends who are younger than me and like to party, but I almost never go out partying or clubbing with them alone. When I go, I bring my boyfriend along. I also highly doubt I would take a vacation with my girlfriends (I normally don't, as I usually take them with my family) with the sole purpose of partying alongside a bunch of singles, without him present for at least part of it, especially with alcohol involved. In fact, I met up with an old friend a few weeks ago, went to a bar with her and got drunk, and I felt really bad because my boyfriend was at home.

I trust him, but I don't believe in blind trust, as I've been shafted by that before. I don't know one of the guys he's going with, and the other guy I've only met once. The friend that I do know, is also divorced, and is the same guy who called his ex-wife controlling because she didn't like him going out to clubs and bars...while he was married with a child at home. My boyfriend sees this friend 1-2x a month when they both have their sons on the weekend. 

Now, I spoke to him a little bit about it last night, when he told me, and I asked him to call me twice a day while he was there, and asked him not to go clubbing. He agreed and said that if his friends want to go clubbing, he's going to suggest they go to a bar instead or he would just say in the hotel. He said they would probably stay out until 3-4AM on some days. Even going out to a bar, I'm a little iffy about, but I see it as being better than going to a club. I honestly wish he had chosen another destination completely to go to with his friends, instead. I asked him if they really needed to go there, and he said "well yeah, we're not going to a family destination, we're going as a group of three guys". 

He normally does what he says he will, but isn't 100% reliable when it comes to calling/texting. For example, the last two times he was out with friends/coworkers, he did not text me back at all or answer his phone, with the excuse that it was too loud or too dark and he couldn't hear/see his phone (I kind of believe that, as he's always had some trouble seeing fine print, and the texts on his phone are small). 

However, in the past, when he couldn't see his phone, he would just text back "sorry I can't see, too dark", and that was the end of that. Or, "sorry I didn't see your texts earlier, was too loud and I couldn't hear my phone" The past few times, nothing at all. He and I used to talk during his lunchtime. Usually, he would call me, but the past few weeks, he's been busy during lunch (confirmed it with his sister and a mutual friend who work with him), and I just hear...nothing. Normally he would text and say "can't talk today, will be busy during lunch". Sometimes I wouldn't even know what happened to him until I text him first, and sometimes he wouldn't even text when he says he will, without any explanation. 

In fact, last year, he skipped their annual trip because he wanted to be with me instead. With all that being said, I feel he is a good person...he is patient, responsible and understanding, and we usually resolve our conflicts with little difficulty. However, this is something we can't agree on, as he sees this as a time to get away from me, his family, work, and his son.

What do I do at this point? I don't want to try and forbid him from going, as I think that would cause problems later on. But I don't want to act okay with him going, and then resent him for it later. If I should talk to him, how should I tell him what I feel without him getting offended? I just don't think it's appropriate for someone who is married or in a serious relationship to be on a vacation like that. Any ideas as to how else we can compromise? Thanks!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

So your boyfriend wants to spend a week in cabo partying with two unhappily married men screaming headlong through their mid life crisis and you don`t know what to do?

I was a party maniac through my twenties into my thirties and dated a lot just like your boyfriend.
If I came to my wife and told her I was thinking about going to Cabo with two idiots for a week of drinking and clubbing the hysterical laughter would shake the house.

No way in hell.
.
Can`t believe he`d even try it but considering the fact that you are ready to allow it maybe he knows what he`s doing.

galian, there is no "compromise" here.
He doesn`t go and it`s that simple, if he even has a problem with that he`s full of **** and up to something.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

galian84 said:


> However, this is something we can't agree on, as he sees this as a time to get away from me, his family, work, and his son.


He has given you his answer. He's going. You don't want him to go. You have a choice of giving him an ultimatum, but if you do, you'll have to follow through on it. Last year he gave up a trip with his friends to be with you. That was LAST YEAR. Sounds like he's feeling secure and comfortable in the relationship, so now he's going to exercise his party muscle more ... without you.



galian84 said:


> What do I do at this point? I don't want to try and forbid him from going, as I think that would cause problems later on. But I don't want to act okay with him going, and then resent him for it later. If I should talk to him, how should I tell him what I feel without him getting offended? I just don't think it's appropriate for someone who is married or in a serious relationship to be on a vacation like that. Any ideas as to how else we can compromise? Thanks!


Tell him, "I just don't think it's appropriate for someone who is married or in a serious relationship to be on a vacation like that." Say what you mean, and mean what you say. You want to tell him a way that won't offend him. Uh, no ... actually you want to tell him in a way that will make him NOT go. If he gets offended, that is his choice. 

You are so concerned about offending him; well, what do you consider what he is planning to do? It sounds like it's offensive to you. There is no way you can compromise your stance. 

Tell him how you feel. Then you will find out just how serious he is about his relationship with you.


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## Mrs Nora Barnacle (May 15, 2012)

My sister asked me to go on a holiday with another female friend when they were both single - somewhere I always wanted to go. I asked my husband and he said no, not appropriate. I didn't go because I respected his feelings but I did kinda resent him for it. However I see his point of view and if the shoe was on the other foot I would be a bit hurt that he wanted to go away without me. I used to be a mad party girl before meeting my husband. The point here is you need to set some boundaries - if he does this before marriage with your blessing you can't expect him to stop after marriage.


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## Cherie (May 9, 2012)

I don't find it strange at all that a guy who is divorced and in his 40's would want to do this, but considering he's in a long term/serious relationship with you, he should consider your feelings and make some changes. Single life and married life aren't the same thing. On the other hand, I don't think that he should have to give up fun trips with friends - Either invite you or go somewhere less party-like. I see no reason why you can't go with the friends and all have a great time.


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

Well, I did talk to him just now, as he called me during his lunch break. First off, I asked him how serious he was about this relationship, and he said "very serious" (didn't ask him much more than that as we didn't have a lot of time).

I don't think he should have to give up on fun trips with friends, either, but I just didn't feel comfortable with him going to such a party-like place, since he considered us to be in a serious relationship. Apparently, he wanted to do this too when he was married, and his ex-wife had a problem with it as well.

Cherie, I suggested to him what you mentioned. He said he didn't invite me because it was a "guys only" thing and the trip is meant to "get away from everyone"...everyone except his friends, I suppose. Then he said he didn't want to bring me along with a bunch of guys...when in reality, I get along very well with guys since I grew up with them. 

I asked him if he would consider going somewhere less party-like, and he said he didn't see why he should, that if he wanted to cheat, he could cheat anywhere he wanted. He then said he NEEDED to get away for awhile, and this is where his friends want to go. He also said that if I wanted to go away to some party place with my girlfriends, he wouldn't say anything...also knowing that I normally don't take trips with my girlfriends.

He said he didn't give me any sh*t when I went on vacations to see my family, and I pointed out that that was different, since I didn't go on vacation for the sole purpose of getting drunk and partying, like he and his friends are. I then said that I never gave him any problems when he took his son on vacation for a week last year. 

He said even if his friends want to hook up with girls, he's not going to do anything. He then went on to say that I was beginning to sound like his and his friend's ex-wives, who they both thought were controlling, and that he thought I was more reasonable, and that I was blowing this way out of proportion.

Yes, I do trust him, but I also know that even the most trustworthy people do stupid things when in the wrong place and the wrong time. I said we will talk tonight and come to a compromise. Now what? He kept on asking what the difference was if he went to some party place or somewhere else. He also said that I should be glad that he's being honest with me, because he easily could have lied.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

galian84 said:


> He then went on to say that I was beginning to sound like his and his friend's ex-wives, who they both thought were controlling, and that he thought I was more reasonable, and that I was blowing this way out of proportion..


You should consider that statement.
You should consider that statement long and hard.

This is a pretty big red flag for me.

Your whole situation is a gigantic flaming red flag of epic proportions.

You`re gonna marry this guy?


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## Mr_brown (Oct 17, 2011)

I have been on vacations without my wife to fairly party friendly places with some of my guy friends... I had some of the best times of my life and I was completely faithful... We went around ate at some nice restaurants saw some sites drank and just had a good time! I loved it and came back still faithful. I let her go out for gno's and girls weekends, why shouldn't I be allowed to do the same. And both of us are aware of the others friends and their debauchery, but we trust one another as we should!


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## Cherie (May 9, 2012)

You're in a tough situation. I can see his feelings too. No one wants to be controlled, but I do think a little respect for the other side needs to come into play here. Do you really think he wouldn't have a problem if you went to Vegas or Cancun without him with a few girfriends who wanted to do nothing but drink & F*** around? If so, then he is definitely more liberal than you.

You could always allow him to go, but make it clear that you are not happy with his choices and it hurts your feelings. Maybe he can make it up to you with a trip for the two of you. You won't know if you can trust him or not in the future years if you don't try now.

Not eveyone sees things in black and white. There can be gray areas sometimes. I've noticed a lot of people on this board are more conservative than me in their views about what is acceptable and what's not - but their relationships definitely seem no better than mine. Sometimes I think we need to limit our spouces less unless we have a reason not to trust.

Good luck to you, sweets.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

This guy sounds like a douche.

Sorry.

He's putting a guilt trip on you for legitimately pointing out valid concerns about this being inappropriate behavior for someone in a relationship? Comparing you to the ex wife? 

I would wager a guess that one of the reasons his first marriage didn't work is because he was immature. Sounds like he hasn't grown up yet.

I guess you know where you stand on his priority list.

I know everyone has different opinions on trust. I believe that as a "committed partner" you shouldn't be putting yourself in volunerable positions, especially where mass intoxication is involved, especially where you are the only one in the group NOT single.

The fact that he has an entire group of 40-something guy friends that are divorced and still partying like this speaks volumes to me. Nothing wrong with wanting to.live the party life - except for when you are settling down into a relationship.

Just my two cents.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

kag123 said:


> This guy sounds like a douche.
> 
> Sorry.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

This, listen to all of this

I`ve been a drunken American tourist clubbing in Cancun.
No way I`m doing that married!

Edit:
Unless of course I`m taking the wife.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Nope.

Don't even need to explain.

Just plain "Nope."


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I only read your first paragraph. My reaction is HELL NO.

If my husband even asked to do this, he'd be out the freaking door.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

I just posted a question about vacationing alone.

There is a possibility that I will be going out to Nevada to visit a friend, she lives 20 mins from Vegas. Now, I don't think I am going to get a vacation this year, so I kind of want to go. He's going to California for some thing out there that is all paid for, and while I am incredibly envious and would love to go, I am happy he's going, because it's something that is important to him and makes him happy. And even if I magically was able to go, I'd have no one to watch my children or take them to school, so I wouldn't be able to go anyways. 

I'm not concerned about anything happening and I do trust him, but it sucks because well dang it, I want to do something fun this summer too! Back to the Nevada thing, my kids are going to be with their dad for 10 days in August and that's when I'd go. But I need to talk with him about it and A. See if he wants to come with me and B. If he doesn't, then would it be okay if I go anyways. Nothing is set in stone so it will just be talk for now.

But in your situation, I don't think I'd be okay with that. Even though I trust my S/O, I don't think I'd be okay with something like that, it wouldn't make me feel secure in my relationship and that is a need for me to trust. I don't know how I would handle your situation.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

I don't get the vacations alone thing. I'd much rather take a vacation with other families where the men/women can split up if they want a little time away. I'm not much for drinking, partying, and clubbing so I really don't see a need for seperate vacations. I don't see why I would need away from my wife/kids. This guy may not be as serious about the relationship as you are.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

galian84 said:


> the trip is meant to "get away from everyone"...everyone except his friends, I suppose.


He's going to a party place to "get away from everyone" and he's going with his buddies? Uh, what part of this am I not understanding? Getting away from everyone, IMO, means going somewhere up in the Rockies to camp and hike for a week. Going to a place where people get drunk, cram the dance floor to bump-and-grind, and forget what happened the morning after .... yeah, he is getting away from YOU, while hanging out with a lot of strangers. I hope you aren't buying this.



galian84 said:


> .... if he would consider going somewhere less party-like, and he said he didn't see why he should, that if he wanted to cheat, he could cheat anywhere he wanted.
> 
> He then went on to say that *I was beginning to sound like his and his friend's ex-wives, who they both thought were controlling*, and that he thought I was more reasonable, and that I was blowing this way out of proportion.


Not respecting your side of this, so you are going to keep dredging up this conversation in the hopes of changing his mind. I told you he was going. Something you are choosing to ignore. So, you either like it or learn to live with it. 



galian84 said:


> Now what? *He kept on asking what the difference was if he went to some party place or somewhere else.* He also said that I should be glad that he's being honest with me, because he easily could have lied.


NOW WHAT? ONCE AGAIN ... you either put up or shut up. He is going. He has made that clear. If you have a problem with it, then it's YOUR problem. This is the kind of guy who is going to do what he wants to do. You are already getting that old, worn out you're-trying-to-control-me speech. The next variation of that speech will be you-are-a-nag.


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

tacoma said:


> You should consider that statement.
> You should consider that statement long and hard.
> 
> This is a pretty big red flag for me.
> ...


No, not yet. I would hate to have married him and found out about this later on.


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

Mr_brown said:


> I have been on vacations without my wife to fairly party friendly places with some of my guy friends... I had some of the best times of my life and I was completely faithful... We went around ate at some nice restaurants saw some sites drank and just had a good time! I loved it and came back still faithful. I let her go out for gno's and girls weekends, why shouldn't I be allowed to do the same. And both of us are aware of the others friends and their debauchery, but we trust one another as we should!


Yes, but the difference is, you guys were there to sightsee and eat (I assume). My boyfriend and his friends' sole duty for going on vacation is to get drunk and party. I have no problem whatsoever if he wanted to go explore a city with some friends, take in the sights, and whatnot. My ex-boyfriend used to go away on long weekend vacations with his friends to concerts, and to sightsee, and I always wished him the best, as I wished for my boyfriend to have fun when he took his son on vacation with his family without me last year.

You and your wife know and trust each others' friends, I don't even know one of the guys that's going with my boyfriend. And his other friend...well, only met him once and can't say from that initial meeting. But then again, this same friend is the guy who divorced his ex-wife because he wanted to go out to clubs and bars with a wife and child at home, and she wouldn't let him.


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

Cherie said:


> You're in a tough situation. I can see his feelings too. No one wants to be controlled, but I do think a little respect for the other side needs to come into play here. Do you really think he wouldn't have a problem if you went to Vegas or Cancun without him with a few girfriends who wanted to do nothing but drink & F*** around? If so, then he is definitely more liberal than you.
> 
> You could always allow him to go, but make it clear that you are not happy with his choices and it hurts your feelings. Maybe he can make it up to you with a trip for the two of you. You won't know if you can trust him or not in the future years if you don't try now.
> 
> ...


That's true...that's where part of my dilemma is. I asked him the question that you did, and he actually said he would have no problem if I went to Vegas with some single girlfriends and all they wanted to do was meet guys and get drunk. I found that hard to believe.

He was planning on going on vacation with his son after this, and then with me once I finish my internship. 

Unfortunately I feel like if it gets to that point where there's a reason not to trust, it's too late already :/ Prevention is always better than cure, I always said...I always so no reason to put yourself in a risky situation if there are a million other ways you can achieve your goal.

I'm going to talk to him once more tonight, when we actually have some more time. If he still refuses to budge, even after I tell him how I feel, then I will take your advice and tell him what you said. And then if his only excuse is that I sound like his ex-wife (aka the "you're controlling me" speech), then it's time for me to take a BIG step back from this relationship.

Also, I found it interesting that my boyfriend won't hang out with females alone because of the fear of temptation. But yet he is totally fine going out partying with a bunch of strangers, with massive amounts of alcohol involved.


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

Just wanted to give an update...spoke to my boyfriend about it and after a big blowup initially and a clear discussion later on, we finally managed to work something out.

I said to him that doing this is unacceptable in a serious relationship / marriage, and he agreed, saying that if we were married / engaged he wouldn't think about going off on vacations with friends alone, period. He also assured me that he doesn't vacation with his friends often even while single, and that the last vacation he went on with them was 1.5 years ago. He also said that when he was married, the most he ever did with his buddies was go out on a guys' night every few months.

So for this time, I told him to go have a good time. He promised he would call every day and would avoid going to clubs, saying that if his friends wanted to go, he would suggest that they do something else, or stay in that night, go to the casino or take a walk. He also wanted me to drive him to the airport, so I could meet the other guy who was going.

It turns out we had some unresolved, deep-buried issues with trust (my part) and communication (his part) as well, which didn't help matters. He also apologized for saying those things, and to his credit, he has never said those things before, even when we have had disagreements / arguments.

I also made it very clear that if this becomes an ongoing issue and that if he did things behind my back, and I find out later about it, that I'm not going to stand for it and will not hesitate to leave him.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

galian84 said:


> I also made it very clear that if this becomes an ongoing issue and that if he did things behind my back, and I find out later about it, that I'm not going to stand for it and will not hesitate to leave him.


Your fiancé is impressive.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I am sorry you took this approach. IMHO, a serious relationship doe not have these types of separate vacations. Period. The pronouncement that your response was controlling and like his ex-wife tells mountains about him. He has done this before while married. 

Good luck. I think you will need it.


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

I agree, KanDo. I wouldn't have had any issue at all if he wanted to go out with his friends for a night, or go on a vacation with his son / family without me. He takes his son for a week every summer and I never have any issue with it whatsoever...I encourage it because he has some time to bond with his son.

He assured me that this is NOT something he would do when he is engaged/married, but I'm not sure if I can believe him, after the way he reacted.

What's particularly concerning to me was not the vacation itself, but the reasons he gave and the way he reacted when I talked to him about it. It was a side of him I'd never seen before, as he's usually pretty calm when we have a disagreement.

The reason I was hesitating re: all your advice is because he's very good to me otherwise. He did agree not to go to clubs and agreed to call twice a day, and he is taking me on a weekend trip for my birthday afterward, then followed by another 10-day vacation for just us a few weeks after that. I also know he took his friend up on this vacation offer because he had a week off work, which originally was for him to go somewhere with me or his son, but it didn't work out. He said that even when he was single, he only went on "guys' vacations" every couple of years.

However, eventually it came out while we were talking that he didn't feel this relationship was "very serious" (by his words) because we were not at that level of commitment yet (engagement/marriage). 

I had even asked him "so, if we were engaged or married, and I didn't want you to go on this trip, what would you do?" And he said "I wouldn't go, I never went away with my friends when I was married. All I did was have a guys' night out once every few months." And he doesn't go out with his friends often at all, maybe once every few months, if that. 

I don't quite know what to make of all this, but with the revelation that I was more serious about him than he was about me, I decided to take a big step backward. I'm going to keep seeing him, although on a not-so-serious / just-dating basis, and am open to meeting other people. 

Would like to thank you all for your responses and comments, really opened my eyes and made me think twice about this relationship and where I stand with him.


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## OneLoveXo (Jun 5, 2012)

galian84 said:


> I agree, KanDo. I wouldn't have had any issue at all if he wanted to go out with his friends for a night, or go on a vacation with his son / family without me. He takes his son for a week every summer and I never have any issue with it whatsoever...I encourage it because he has some time to bond with his son.
> 
> He assured me that this is NOT something he would do when he is engaged/married, but I'm not sure if I can believe him, after the way he reacted.
> 
> ...


You're doing the right thing for sure. He was screaming red flags. Men usually lie when they get super defensive, especially when they are calm during other arguents/discussion.
And just cause a man "agree" not to do something doesn't mean he won't. 
So I am glad you open to meeting other people, he seems a little childish with his actions. 
Whether you end up with or someone else, I wish you all the best!


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

At the age of 40, I think I'd rather take a vacation with my sweetie then go hang with a bunch of guys that are just going to get drunk and hit on chicks half their age. 

One consolation to it though would be that if he's as serious about your relationship as he says he is, let him go and just trust him. He'll not only think you're cool for doing it, but I'll bet he ends up missing you and thinking about you the entire time and not have half the fun he thought he was going to have.

Maybe while he's gone you should plan to have a few girls nights out yourself and you could nonchalantly mention that to him in passing one day. I'm sure that will bother him a little while he's on his trip and make him think of you even more.

I'm not saying that you should put up with this every single year but maybe when he goes this year, he'll realize what a drag his immature friends really are, how gross they look partying it up and hitting on chicks half their age and maybe won't even want to go next year.

Sometimes when you give a little..you get a lot more in return. Hang in there!!


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

This is not the healthiest thing to do, but it worked for me. Twice it was suggested that my wife go on vacation with the girls without me. Once with a group of cousins (some married some not) to Vegas and once with a group of girlfriends (4, 3 single) to Jamaica. Almost identical scenarios both times, the ladies talked about it with her in those tones people take when they are fishing to see how you'll react but aren't really talking to you. With the cousins I answered b4 she did. I said "If she gets to go to Vegas without me, I get to go to Thailand or Amsterdam without her. My wife let out a fake laugh and then went stoned faced and said "I don't think so". The second time, with the friends, I guess she learned from the first time b/c she shut things down b4 I was able to do my schtick. Galian84, I don't remember reading, but did you ask your bf how you going somewhere like Jamaica with a bunch of single friends (and without him) would go over? If he doesn't care, that pretty much tells you what you are worth to him imo.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

No


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Galian,
I think you handled this well. I was a bit put off by his comment that he could have just lied to you about their destination. That is a scary response. As for his ex wife, if you can get some truth syrup in him, (3-5 drinks) you could seed that conversation with a fictional couple you used to know where the husband was really controlling. Then ask him "what was the best part of hour marriage? And the worst? Was there stuff you resented having to give up?




OTE=galian84;810946]I agree, KanDo. I wouldn't have had any issue at all if he wanted to go out with his friends for a night, or go on a vacation with his son / family without me. He takes his son for a week every summer and I never have any issue with it whatsoever...I encourage it because he has some time to bond with his son.

He assured me that this is NOT something he would do when he is engaged/married, but I'm not sure if I can believe him, after the way he reacted.

What's particularly concerning to me was not the vacation itself, but the reasons he gave and the way he reacted when I talked to him about it. It was a side of him I'd never seen before, as he's usually pretty calm when we have a disagreement.

The reason I was hesitating re: all your advice is because he's very good to me otherwise. He did agree not to go to clubs and agreed to call twice a day, and he is taking me on a weekend trip for my birthday afterward, then followed by another 10-day vacation for just us a few weeks after that. I also know he took his friend up on this vacation offer because he had a week off work, which originally was for him to go somewhere with me or his son, but it didn't work out. He said that even when he was single, he only went on "guys' vacations" every couple of years.

However, eventually it came out while we were talking that he didn't feel this relationship was "very serious" (by his words) because we were not at that level of commitment yet (engagement/marriage). 

I had even asked him "so, if we were engaged or married, and I didn't want you to go on this trip, what would you do?" And he said "I wouldn't go, I never went away with my friends when I was married. All I did was have a guys' night out once every few months." And he doesn't go out with his friends often at all, maybe once every few months, if that. 

I don't quite know what to make of all this, but with the revelation that I was more serious about him than he was about me, I decided to take a big step backward. I'm going to keep seeing him, although on a not-so-serious / just-dating basis, and am open to meeting other people. 

Would like to thank you all for your responses and comments, really opened my eyes and made me think twice about this relationship and where I stand with him.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

Thanks again for your responses 

After some of the responses I got from him through the last month, the vacation itself doesn't even bother me anymore. 

He compared me to his ex-girlfriends once, saying that they always let him go on vacation with his friends, and that he loved them more for it. To which I asked, "then why did you tell me so many times that you never loved them, and if they were so great, why did you break up with them?" To which he had no answer for.

I even pointedly asked him if by "getting away from everyone", he meant getting away from me, his son, and his family. He said yes. He sees his son 2-3x a week and feels a need to get away from him. This worries me. 

He also said he couldn't understand why I had this problem, that other couples he knows and works with wouldn't have this issue. So I told him "Then ask them, if their SO went to them and said they wanted to go on a vacation to get away from you and the kid(s), you think they would be okay with that??" Again, he really had no answer for that.

He also gave me this long speech the other day about how we need to save money. I told him not to go on this vacation and opt for a night out with his friends instead, if he wanted to save money...you don't go on vacation to save money. To this, he kept saying "I NEED to go. I MUST go on this vacation to clear my head," I don't know, maybe someone can give me a different viewpoint on this, but I found this response rather odd.

I said to him....look, if you wanted to go on this vacation because you happened to have a week off, in which you were unable to go somewhere with your son, or me, and your friend suggested you go hang out, and you had extra money to spare, then go ahead. THEN he said "Oh yeah, that's the reason," o_o

I think I made the right choice in taking a step backward in this relationship...one of the reasons I originally fell in love with him because he seemed to have his priorities on straight, but I'm not so sure anymore...


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

Been awhile so I thought I'd pop in here and post an update =) Well, for those who are still reading this.

Boyfriend is going, no matter what. Interestingly enough, I met his friend, the one who he's going with. Very friendly guy, made an effort to get to know me. We got along fabulously...he is about 6 years younger than my boyfriend, and one of his closest friends (as they are both single dads and often hang out with their sons together). My boyfriend kept pushing the vacation...friend didn't seem like he was too enthusiastic about it, and just kept saying "yeah we'll figure it out." In fact, he seemed more interested in the weekend trip they were taking with their sons in August, and the one my boyfriend and I were taking, than the one they were taking together. Later on, found out it was because his friend was worried about money, and he said he felt bad because they'd been talking about it for a long time. The day ended without any definite plans still, and the trip is supposed to be in 3 weeks. 

Funny thing is, my boyfriend's on some kind of saving money-kick and he's booked 3 vacations.

So you know what I did? Planning a trip to Vegas with of my girlfriends from high school, before I go away with him. Not to spite him, but I saw it as a good opportunity to hang out with this girl (and potentially her friends) as I haven't seen her since May, and also a good opportunity to take a trip before I begin working full-time. And yes, she is single and had just broken up with her boyfriend recently...and is a partier. 

When I brought it up to my boyfriend, he wasn't too happy and got paranoid that other guys might be going, and started saying I should be saving my money instead.

Was it the healthiest thing to do? But nothing else worked, short of breaking up with him, that is.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

I am on the fence with this. When my husband and I had been dating for nearly a year, he went on a vacation for three weeks(for his brother's wedding). Yes, it was to be with his brother etc, but he got there three days before the wedding and his brother and parents left the day after the wedding. He was then alone, in his home town for 2.5 weeks, without me. He was around seeing exs, old friends, partying, and just having a good time with anyone and everyone. 

I was stuck at home, waiting for my next year of school to start. Would I have liked to go with him? Absolutely. Was I upset that he went? Absolutely not. Did I worry that something was going to happen? Absolutely not. I knew that even though I wasn't there, he wasn't going to cross the line. He was 1000+ miles away, but that didn't stop him from still being in love with me. 

I don't think I would stop my husband from going on the trip that your boyfriend is going on, however, I would be a little hurt that I wasn't invited. I would feel low on the priority list.

That being said, my husband and his partner scuba dive. Every year for Florida Lobster season, they go diving. Last year it was Vero Beach, this year it is going to be the Florida Keys. All of the men going, bring their wives. We don't exactly get a lot of time with them, however it's just being there. The wives have a girls vacation, the men have a boys vacation, but every night we are back in the hotel/cabin, sleeping in the same bed. We get the togetherness, and the alone time all in one, and I would suggest it to anyone.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I know a lot of married couples who seem ok with separate mini-vacations, such as GNO's to Vegas... I know I'd be uncomfortable with that if I was remarried.

As for me, my ex and I often went on trips separately, and I disliked it but never complained much, especially if she would ever take our son with her (so I could have a break because I rarely had time alone in my house) but that rarely happened. Instead what usually happened is we'd have a family vacation planned to see relatives (mine since she didn't really care to visit with hers) but then at some point she'd cancel her plans to do something else, so I'd have to take my son alone, get worn down being a single travelling parent while she'd have a staycation at home and party with her own personal friends.

Sometimes she'd plan a trip but it was always at a time where it wasn't convenient or feasible for me to be able to go (ie after she spent a load of money on some piece of junk she wanted, or on short notice when I couldn't get away from work).

Thinking back I wish I'd have done it diffrently, all those missed opportunites for family time - though she always hated it and had so much resentment when we travelled as a family because she claimed she had to do all the hard work of taking care of our son, packing, planning, yadda yadda - which was false, it was work for both of us to plan and implement. The last great memory I have of us as a family, and last time I enjoyed being with her intimately was barely a month before her affair on a family trip to West Ed Mall, and I am so glad I have that memory because I can't think of any pleasurable vacations we had before that...


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

galian84 said:


> Been awhile so I thought I'd pop in here and post an update =) Well, for those who are still reading this.
> 
> Boyfriend is going, no matter what. Interestingly enough, I met his friend, the one who he's going with. Very friendly guy, made an effort to get to know me. We got along fabulously...he is about 6 years younger than my boyfriend, and one of his closest friends (as they are both single dads and often hang out with their sons together). My boyfriend kept pushing the vacation...friend didn't seem like he was too enthusiastic about it, and just kept saying "yeah we'll figure it out." In fact, he seemed more interested in the weekend trip they were taking with their sons in August, and the one my boyfriend and I were taking, than the one they were taking together. Later on, found out it was because his friend was worried about money, and he said he felt bad because they'd been talking about it for a long time. The day ended without any definite plans still, and the trip is supposed to be in 3 weeks.
> 
> ...


Okay, your BF is definitely driving this trip. He has some plan for when he gets there that his friend isn't too excited about. I'd say that maybe your BF is feeling a little caged in his relationship with you and wants to run around a little bit. Please don't get me wrong, you sound like a wonderful person and I agree with you, he should not be going. 

Now you tell him that you want to go to Vegas with the girls and out of the blue he's worried guys will be going? It's Vegas dude, the guys are all there! The fact that he's worried about guys being there and he's trying to discourage you tells me for a fact that women are involved in some way shape or form on his Cancun trip. Strippers or whatever.

Again, you sound like a really nice person and your demands are not unreasonable. If I were you I would definitely re-evaluate this relationship. Not saying break up but maybe see it more realistically. Maybe dial it back a bit.

Also, why did he get divorced?


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

Thanks for your responses  He got divorced because he said he didn't have enough time to get to know his ex-wife, as he married her after 9 months of dating. He said it was because she pressured him, and then after marriage, she became controlling and jealous, and they could not get along. He said it didn't help that she hated his family, and they hated her.

As far as the Vegas thing, I had told him we might be going with a group of her friends, in which there may or may not be other guy friends of hers in the group. He said he didn't mind if it was an all-girls thing. I'm not sure if there were other reasons that his friend wasn't enthusiastic about going, but he said money was a big part of it and he couldn't really afford two vacations back-to-back. In fact, yesterday, he called my boyfriend saying he had booked the 4-day trip with their sons, which is in August, but nothing about their vacation.

I'm fine with separate vacations, to be honest, I have taken 3 vacations so far with my family, and without him. I'm planning a 2-week trip without him at the end of August with my friends and family. My boyfriend and I take most of our vacations together, though.

My boyfriend is now saying he just wants to go to a resort to relax for a few days. I told him if he wanted to do that, it was fine, but I was NOT fine with him going to party with single friends for a week!

He has told me he's felt stifled before, because he works 2 jobs and spends nearly all his free time with me or his son. And if it wasn't with us, his family would need him for something. He very rarely goes out with friends, and when he does he usually brings me along. And I think this summer, he's had to babysit his son even more because his son is no longer in summer school (like he was last summer). So, understanding what it's like to have NO space whatsoever, I've tried to give him a little breathing room by seeing him later at night, and seeing him every other day instead of nearly every day. He has seemed a little happier since he has time to chill out by himself and play some sports twice a week.

Then again, he kept assuring me that this won't happen every year and that he never vacationed with his friends while married, and this won't happen if we were engaged/married. 

I still do want to take a step back from this relationship, but admittedly I don't really know how :x My last 2 relationships before this were both long-distance, and I haven't had a face-to-face relationship since high school. What do I do? Just see him less? Contact him less? See other guys?


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

galian84 said:


> Thanks for your responses  He got divorced because he said he didn't have enough time to get to know his ex-wife, as he married her after 9 months of dating. He said it was because she pressured him, and then after marriage, she became controlling and jealous, and they could not get along. He said it didn't help that she hated his family, and they hated her.
> 
> As far as the Vegas thing, I had told him we might be going with a group of her friends, in which there may or may not be other guy friends of hers in the group. He said he didn't mind if it was an all-girls thing. I'm not sure if there were other reasons that his friend wasn't enthusiastic about going, but he said money was a big part of it and he couldn't really afford two vacations back-to-back. In fact, yesterday, he called my boyfriend saying he had booked the 4-day trip with their sons, which is in August, but nothing about their vacation.
> 
> ...


Yeah, maybe see him less, contact him less. I wouldn't date other guys until you talk to him about it first. It just sounds like that whenever his responsibilities start weighing on him he wants to escape. I know that feeling too. But a man will not try to escape when responsibilities get heavy. 

I think you need to think about what you want from this relationship. Do you just want some casual fun dating? Are you looking for a serious long-term relationship or marriage? Does your current BF fit in with your goals? Those are just rhetorical questions. Give it some thought. Maybe while you're in Vegas baby!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

In a committed relationship, I wouldn't find the sort of of vacation your BF is planning with his friends acceptable. I would let him know how I felt, then take a step back and re-evaluate the relationship based on his decision. 

How you handle this is important, because it sets a precedent for what you will and will not tolerate in the future - despite his reassurances that this won't happen every year or if you were engaged/married.


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

Been contacting him less for sure, don't text him as much as I used to. We talk everyday that we're not together, but he's the one to initiate the calls.

Definitely see him less than before. We used to see each other nearly everyday, and now it's down to every other day on average.

He said he agreed that this vacation wasn't appropriate for serious relationships / married couples. But he said that since we're just boyfriend / girlfriend and not living together, he thought...why not? Now I'm hearing that he wants to go to a resort instead for 4-5 days instead of a whole week. 

I do know that I want a serious relationship...I've always been a serial monogamist =) He's said many times that he wants to get remarried eventually as well, and he said I'm the only girl he's met that he's considered marrying, since his divorce 4 years ago. He said he doesn't know when he'll be ready for remarriage, but he says he does want it eventually.

I'm not ready for marriage or even engagement at this point in my life...I'm not financially independent yet and want to wait until I am, and have been for awhile before I can commit to someone.

I get that feeling from him too...that he wants to escape when responsibilities get heavy. Just for that fact, I am no longer sure where this relationship is going because that's not a quality that I want in a future husband. I can understand him working hard and then wanting to take a short, relaxing trip by himself with some friends, but I can't justify wanting to run away with his friends to party, in a locale known for partying.

It made me wonder, if I ever married him, and he has the responsibility of taking care of a family, and possibly more kids, will he be able to handle it? Or will he just try to escape when he doesn't feel like taking care of his family?

On one hand, I almost want him to go just to see if I can truly trust him...see if he would take advantage of my trust, and try to do it again in the future. On the other hand, I don't want to set a precedent that this type of behavior is okay with me.

How else could I have dealt with this, short of breaking up with him? Or, since we are "just" boyfriend / girlfriend who don't live together, and since it's going to be only a few days and most likely at a resort now, should I just let it slide this ONE time? I already told him that if he abuses my trust, I'm not sticking around.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

galian84 said:


> He said he agreed that this vacation wasn't appropriate for serious relationships / married couples. But he said that since we're just boyfriend / girlfriend and not living together, he thought...why not? Now I'm hearing that he wants to go to a resort instead for 4-5 days instead of a whole week.
> 
> I do know that I want a serious relationship...I've always been a serial monogamist =) He's said many times that he wants to get remarried eventually as well, and he said I'm the only girl he's met that he's considered marrying, since his divorce 4 years ago. He said he doesn't know when he'll be ready for remarriage, but he says he does want it eventually.
> 
> I'm not ready for marriage or even engagement at this point in my life...I'm not financially independent yet and want to wait until I am, and have been for awhile before I can commit to someone.


Okay, so you two aren't really that serious it sounds. From what you say it sounds like one step above casual dating, kind of going steady. The really I don't see how you can put constraints on him to not go since it doesn't sound like he is marriage material from what you say. He isn't ready and neither are you. By the same token he has no right to get jealous that you are going to Vegas. He says he won't be partying with women, you can tell him that you won't be partying with me. There, everybody's happy right? 




galian84 said:


> It made me wonder, if I ever married him, and he has the responsibility of taking care of a family, and possibly more kids, will he be able to handle it? Or will he just try to escape when he doesn't feel like taking care of his family?


Ding ding ding! Give the lovely lady a prize! This is exactly what I was hinting at in my previous posts. Here's what will happen. You will get married and in time have a kid or two. The responsibilities will start piling up and he'll want to bail off to... somewhere... to "clear his mind." You'll remind him that he has responsibilities. He will tell you that you are just as controlling as his ex-wife was. You will continue to (rightly) demand he live up to his responsibilities and then you will become ex-wife #2.




galian84 said:


> How else could I have dealt with this, short of breaking up with him? Or, since we are "just" boyfriend / girlfriend who don't live together, and since it's going to be only a few days and most likely at a resort now, should I just let it slide this ONE time? I already told him that if he abuses my trust, I'm not sticking around.


I dunno... it sounds like you should just keep the relationship light and fun. You're not ready to be married, he is obviously still dealing with his own issues. Just enjoy the relationship for what it is, which appears to be nothing serious. If you are looking for something serious, maybe you should think long and hard about whether it's worth continuing to date him. 

You don't know me and I don't know you but reading in between the lines of what you've written... if it were me I'd tell him to go enjoy his time away and maybe in the future when he's ready for a serious commitment he can look you up. If you are available then you guys can start up again. But no matter what he does or tells you, you need to make up your mind as to what you want. He'll tell you whatever it takes to not lose you. You evaluate whether he's the right guy or not.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He resented his wife, he resents his son, he resents... well, pretty much everything, it seems.

He may be older than you, but is he more mature? Possibly not.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

He is acting like his relationship with you is very casual. If he would say no to this type of vacation if he was engaged but not in his current position with you, you are very low on his list of priorities as he doesn't remotely care that it upsets you.

I would suggest to him that you're considering dating other people since he's not serious about you. If he doesn't care you know exactly where you stand and should stop wasting your time with him and if he gets upset tell him that he needs to make a decision then - inappropriate holiday or you.

He sounds extremely immature and is testing his boundaries with you. Already comparing you to exes and saying his friends SO's wouldn't have a problem with it is to make you doubt yourself and feel guilty.

Trust yourself and stop wasting your time with him..too many red flags for sure.


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

Thanks all! It has definitely helped a ton to get an outside view on this issue =) Definitely stepped back in the relationship a bit. Don't see him as much, don't call/text him as much, and I stopped talking about the future with him and where we were going. I guess I thought that was the way a girlfriend should act...didn't really know any better. I guess that's my inexperience showing...and I thought that we were serious than we really were.

Anyway, both of us are happier. Definitely going to keep this fun and light in the meantime, and see where it goes later on, seeing as how I'm not ready for marriage, anyway. If in the future, I am and he still isn't, and still has no clue when he will be...then I think it may be time to let him go. Think I will give it another year or so until I'm settled in my career.

BTW, he told me to go have a good time in Vegas and to keep in touch with him.


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## Victorias (Jul 8, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> He has given you his answer. He's going. You don't want him to go. You have a choice of giving him an ultimatum, but if you do, you'll have to follow through on it. Last year he gave up a trip with his friends to be with you. That was LAST YEAR. Sounds like he's feeling secure and comfortable in the relationship, so now he's going to exercise his party muscle more ... without you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I've always believed that if you want to vacation without your SO its because your not with your soul mate (true love). With that said TELL him how you feel!! If he still decides to go without you then you see the whole picture of what your life would be like if you stay with him (you being second choice). Don't be someones second...find your first choice (that would be the man who treats you like his first choice).


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## Victorias (Jul 8, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> He has given you his answer. He's going. You don't want him to go. You have a choice of giving him an ultimatum, but if you do, you'll have to follow through on it. Last year he gave up a trip with his friends to be with you. That was LAST YEAR. Sounds like he's feeling secure and comfortable in the relationship, so now he's going to exercise his party muscle more ... without you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I've always believed that if you want to vacation without your SO its because your not with your soul mate (true love). With that said TELL him how you feel!! If he still decides to go without you then you see the whole picture of what your life would be like if you stay with him (you being second choice). Don't be someones second...find your first choice and that would be the man who treats you like his first choice.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Victorias said:


> I've always believed that if you want to vacation without your SO its because your not with your soul mate (true love). With that said TELL him how you feel!! If he still decides to go without you then you see the whole picture of what your life would be like if you stay with him (you being second choice). Don't be someones second...find your first choice and that would be the man who treats you like his first choice.


Sounds like cheater talk to me. If you want to bounce around from realtionship to relationship looking for your one true love, do it before you marry someone.

Also what happens if you never meet your one true love, or what happens if they are your true love but they don't measure up? What if you marry your one true love and they die too young, do you get to have a new one true love?

Maybe consider that there is no such thing as ONE true love, only true love. But IMO don't be fooled into thinking that is the same as unconditional (or blind) love or else you are on a path of continual disappointment - instead make your love for yourself true, and the everything that follows will fit into place.


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

Has been awhile, so another update here...

My boyfriend ended up going to Montreal with his friend for 6 days. Didn't mind that so much as he called everyday, but it still gets to me that up until a few days before his friend confirmed the hotel, he was still holding out hope that they would go to Cancun/Panama/DR. 

I did go to Vegas and also to Houston for a week without him to visit my friend and my dad, and had a great time in both places. My boyfriend suddenly got concerned while I was in Vegas and called me several times...and he's been nicer to me ever since I got back. Maybe it's because I'm now keeping a little bit of distance from him.

He and I talked recently and he still wants to go on those types of vacations with his friends 1-2x a year until he wants to get engaged / married. Which as far as I'm concerned, isn't anywhere in the near future. He actually told me once that it might be 2, 4, or even 10 years before he feels he's ready to get married again. He's talked a lot about engagement and my meeting his son in the past couple months, but he's never made any plans.

In that note, I'm considering moving away within the next 6 months - 1 year. For once I started thinking about myself (though maybe it's a little late...I'm 28 now) and my dad's convinced me to move to be with him in Houston for several years, save up some money, as the cost of living there is low and jobs are plentiful, and then go from there. I may or may not take him up on his offer, but I'm planning on applying to jobs in several states, including the one I'm in now, and see where I get the best offer. 

Moving away is also a chance to finally leave my mother / family, who I suspect have NPD in varying degrees (not clinically diagnosed, of course, but all of them have at least 50-90% of the characteristics, and I have about 90% of the characteristics of a daughter with a narcissistic mother / family)...but that's another topic in itself.

If I move, I'm not sure what will happen with my boyfriend. Chances of him moving with me are very slim, as he's reluctant to leave his son (who's 9...so it'd be 9 more years before he would even consider a move), which is understandable. With that said, his son's mother may be moving as well next year to somewhere 2-3 hours away from my boyfriend. My boyfriend has no plans to move to be closer to his son, even if it means he's going to see his son less. 

He also wants to get a job at a new place, but again, no plans, just talks about it. He would be able to get a job easily wherever he wants, no problem, as his occupation is in high demand, but I doubt he will. It's now that I realized he may very well be set in his ways and doesn't want to change, even if he says he does. 

I do love him, but I realized now that just love may not be enough to hold this relationship together in the long-term. However, if by some miracle he does move with me (again, doubtful) and/or get his act together, then maybe it was meant to be.

So there you go...finally thinking about myself for a change!


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## freddiescarponi (Nov 9, 2012)

What a sick and miserable, entirely self made situation!

I would just say, use protection & have a good time and maybe test for STIs when you get back.

This is exactly why I choose to stay single and pay for sex. Platonic companionship can be had without all this BS if you take sex out of the equation.

Depriving someone a good time all because of some warped social construct that equates monogamy with level of love is just poisonous and sad.

Also haven't any of you ever heard about the saying familiarity breeds contempt? It's true. The more alone time you have, or the more time spent with others; the longer and better, richer any relationship will be.


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