# Is there any hope or am I fooling myself?



## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

Hello. I've posted in the CDoS forum a month or so ago but I didn't get any replies so I've been just reading other threads and forums and decided to give it another shot here.

Background of my story:
I'm 30, been married for 1 1/2 years, together for 4 1/2 years. My wife started and EA for the textbook reasons that most WS have. The OM lives thousands of miles away on the other side of the country (US) than we live, she met him through her use of Twitter. 

It started about 6 months ago. For the first 4 months I would discover her contact with him about 4 times with a period of a 4-6 weeks in between each discovery. I'd confront her immediately each time instead of monitoring it, so I never had much to call her out on other than her repeated broken promises to stop talking to him. The 4th time we argued, she tried blaming me for her going to OM for support instead of me, I said some mean things, and she drove off to her parents. In a hurry she didn't think to take her computer or PW lock it, I looked through it while she was gone and saw she left her e-mail open. That's when I first saw that they were way passed friendly. She was planning a trip to Vegas to meet up with him, and talked about making it a PA. 
Over the next week, I did some things to stand up for myself which caused her to wake up for the most part. She did and said alot of things that made me feel like she was out of the fog completely. She expressed a desire to R, I agreed to try under certain conditions. Of those conditions, 1 was NC with OM, 2 was no trip to Vegas, cancel ticket & reservation. She canceled to hotel, ticket was non-refundable so I guess thats why I just left it alone. She took steps to end contact with him, and prevent him from contacting her. We spent the next two weeks working on prep for an R, figuring out what issues are important to work on, getting to the bottom of the EA. I came home for lunch one day for lunch on a week she had off from work (week she was planning to go to Vegas) She was taking a nap so I took her phone to do a random check (which she agreed to) and I saw that she had created yet another new account for the chat application (I'm very good at digging through buried files on phones). Once again, I confronted her immediately. She admitted to still talking to OM, claimed it was just about twitter, once in awhile and about his mom who was apparently dying of cancer. 
I had enough, asked her to leave the house for good, shes been living at her parents for a month now. She did end up going to Vegas, I found out later, from her sister, that she was trying to get her mom or her sister to go with her and they were both well aware of our situation and were trying to go in order to keep an eye on her but they ended up not being able to afford the last minute ticket. So she went alone, however I found out later that OM just so happened to be there the same weekend.
I did a 180, stuck with it for two weeks, talked to a lawyer, but stopped short of paying him a retainer. I started to reflect on the prior 5 1/2 months because I feel that everything happened so fast, and it didn't sit right with me that I was mostly acting on pure emotion. I did some reading after she left that gave me a better understanding of things I was doing that were detrimental to EA recovery. I fed into one of her attempts to talk to me and I decided to try and get some answers from her.

Thats the summary. My next post will be my reason for posting


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I'm sorry that you're WW enrolled you into the club that no one wants to join, the BS Infidelity Club. Here are the facts as I see them from your post.


Your WW was in an online ongoing EA (at the time), with an OM, who is allegedly across the country
You confronted her each time she broke NC, which allowed her to continue to gaslight you and deny things
You discovered that she made plans to go to Vegas and bang this OM
You discovered you were in False R because she once again contacted OM and she left the house and did actually go to Vegas
You also discovered that OM went to Vegas too
She is living with her mother

I would bet my mortgage that this has already gone PA. They don't go thru all that trouble to just hug or kiss, which is probably what she would say. Just look at shamwow's thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/29971-wife-travels-lot-sex-life-has-stalled-worried-help.html

You haven't mentioned how long you've been together and if there are any children involved. If not, then the choice is very clear: Kick her to the curb.

She lied, lied, lied, and then lied some more. Now she went to Vegas to bang her OM. So now you're already separated and she's living with mom. She must really be deeply in love (fog) with this OM for her to continue to spit in your face by lying and continuing this affair and giving you the illusion that you were going to R. 

Now, R is still possible. But it depends on you and what you consider a deal breaker. She has already shown that she will continue to contact OM despite the boundaries you have shown. Well now is the time to enforce those boundaries. This means proceeding with D, you can always put it on hold or cancel it because the process takes quite a while in most places. But will you ever be able to get over the mind movies? 

My opinion, FWIW, is that you gave her a chance at R, and she stomped on it. She's unrepentant and unremorseful. She would put you through another false R if she has the chance to. If you feel a PA is your deal breaker, then so be it. If you can accept that your WW had wild sex with some loser on the internet, then so be it. This OM may not be the last one then, and others may be in your future. It really is up to you.


----------



## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

No kids, thank god. 

Our sex life never stalled the slightest through the whole thing, so what finally got me to start doing alot of reading on WS behaviors during an EA is when I read a chat with OM where she would claim we never have sex. I've seen how some WS stretch the truth, or just invent problems to make their spouse look bad in order to justify their actions, but still don't quite get why she had sex with me and claimed she wasnt to him. I thought WS normally make excuses not to have sex with the BS in order to justify the PA?

Anyways, shes living at her parents house, not just her mom. They aren't happy with her decisions, but they are still her parents.

I have no reason to believe whatsoever it was a PA before I told her to leave the house. Its just not possible because we were together in the same house up until then and she would have had to fly or drive for 3 days to get to him.

Her answers to why it took me telling her to leave, and doing a 180 before she stopped talking to him, and that in hindsite her reasons for going to Vegas were stupid and selfish. 

But you're right, I couldn't live with even the smallest bit of doubt that shes lying about not seeing him in Vegas, because taking it to a PA is a deal breaker. 

The thing I'm unsure about is, before the false R, I didn't know what a NC letter was, and I didn't exactly establish hard consequences for breaking the conditions. Thats part of the reason why I can't believe it didn't go PA in Vegas cause I told her to leave, told her it was over, and separated myself from her, seems like she had good enough reason to justify it. It is however pretty much a deal breaker in any case, cause I don't think I could live with the smallest amount of doubt.

I haven't really discussed with her whats going on, all I said was its over and asked her to leave. I do find myself wondering if there is anything she could do at all to make me take a step back, and wait for her to change, its the reason I haven't filed, and its the reason I planned on remaining separate for awhile. I'm not in a rush to do any thing this year cause its so close to the end, I might as well wait for the holidays.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Santofimio said:


> No kids, thank god.
> 
> Our sex life never stalled the slightest through the whole thing, so what finally got me to start doing alot of reading on WS behaviors during an EA is when I read a chat with OM where she would claim we never have sex. I've seen how some WS stretch the truth, or just invent problems to make their spouse look bad in order to justify their actions, but still don't quite get why she had sex with me and claimed she wasnt to him. I thought WS normally make excuses not to have sex with the BS in order to justify the PA?


That's exactly right. It's part of the general WS affair script, you see it all the time on the different infidelity support boards on the interwebs. 

The general WW affair script goes like this:


Husband has been either emotionally or physically abusive, or both, so she needs rescuing from her hell
Husband is not meeting her emotional needs
Husband is not having sex with her, so is not meeting her physical needs
Husband is emotionally shut off, so she is lonely
Husband is batsh!t crazy or controlling, so she needs rescuing from her hell

The general WH affair script is very similar and goes like this:


Wife is emotionally or verbally abusive, and he needs a shoulder to cry on
Wife is sexually frigid, and is not having sex with him
Wife is batsh!t crazy, so he needs a shoulder to cry on

If you can stand this limbo, then you can wait till after the holidays, its up to you. Just don't have sex with her, not even a booty call. You don't know if she's had an STD passed to her,or if she's prego. Just protect yourself at all times, have a VAR on you if you have to deal with her in person.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your wife is now in a PA with another man.

She went to vegas and had sex with him.

This isn't a fact that will go away with time. This isn't a fact you just ignore and it will go away.

You said it going PA was a deal breaker. She spent a week in Vegas with him. 

Stop doing the BS denial and looking for a loophole to make it better thing! File those papers and get busy moving on.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You've only been married for 1.5 years. At the 1 year mark, she starts an EA with OM and now at the 1.5 year mark she has had sex with the OM even knowing full well that it would be the deal breaker for you to terminate the marriage. Is there a valid reason why you would want to continue having this woman as your wife?

As the old saying goes 'Actions speak louder than words' and her actions speak volumes about how she feels about you and the marriage.


----------



## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

Thanks for the replies all. It looks like I was fooling myself.

In regards to the holidays, I didn't mean I would be spending them with her. Shes out of the house and I can continue to separate myself from from her. Money is kind of tight right now, and with XMas around the corner, I'd rather wait till after the new year to file.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

For now, do not have any joint bank account, credit cards, loans, etc with her. Remove her or cancel the credit cards and bank accounts.

Secure your assets. Secure and have copies of the evidence.

Do you know who the OM is? If so, expose him to his parents, wife, or girlfriend.


She was only a year into the marriage when she started cheating. Your marriage should had been in the honeymoon stage still. So, if she can cheat now when she's supposed to be in love with you, she'll continue to cheat later.

And dont have sex with her now. If she's pregnant, you wont know who the father is. And a child will this whole thing messier. STD test - your call.


----------



## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

We don't have any joint bank accounts, credit cards. The house is in both of our names and we had previously agreed that whatever happens, I keep the house. I just need to get it refinanced in my name.

I don't know who the OM is personally, but I know his name, number, and address. I've seen no evidence that he has a g/f or wife. Besides that, i don't know what good it would do me to contact his parents. I know my W is not going to see him, she has pleaded that she stop talking to him, shown reflection and understanding that it was wrong, she has shown me she understands the factors behind how she let it happen and that they were wrong. She knows I'm not convinced, so if shes lying its his problem, not mine since I'm not supporting her in anyway right now.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Santofimio said:


> We don't have any joint bank accounts, credit cards. The house is in both of our names and we had previously agreed that whatever happens, I keep the house. I just need to get it refinanced in my name.
> 
> I don't know who the OM is personally, but I know his name, number, and address. I've seen no evidence that he has a g/f or wife. Besides that, i don't know what good it would do me to contact his parents. I know my W is not going to see him, she has pleaded that she stop talking to him, shown reflection and understanding that it was wrong, she has shown me she understands the factors behind how she let it happen and that they were wrong. She knows I'm not convinced, so if shes lying its his problem, not mine since I'm not supporting her in anyway right now.


?? Did she go to vegas? Did she meet him there?


----------



## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

Yes she went to Vegas. Did she meet him there? I'll never know for sure. Part of the reason I'm moving on is because I can't believe she didn't. Given what I know about my wife, its not absolutely impossible that she didn't see him there. Whether she actually did or didn't isn't what bothers me, its never being able to know for sure that is a dealbreaker for me. I don't need assurance that she made it a PA after I told her to leave to move on, I'm fine moving on just based on belief. I have all the assurance I need that it would have turned into a PA if I hadn't did a 180 on her.

My W is horrible at making choices and has accepted that she has major emotional issues and selfish tendencies. Shes not however completely rotten to the core. I do feel like she has started to move passed the guilt & denial and into acceptance. I made it difficult for her to get to that point when I had given her a chance because I was the clingy hurt BS. I don't accept blame for any of her actions, I just now have a better understanding in hindsite that I was better off walking away back then cause I wasn't doing myself any favors by being a doormat.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your assumptions, most probably are correct---She went to vegas---KNOWING IT WAS AGST. EVERYTHING YOUR MGE STOOD FOR---but she still went

He went---you know da*n well what happened

Don't even bother bringing it up to her anymore----she has physically cheated on you, and you don't need any more proof, than what you have

If she WANTED the mge,---SHE WOULD NOT HAVE GONE TO VEGAS----end of discussion, end of mge.


----------



## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

I don't think she would have went if I hadn't told her to leave and did a 180. I know at that point, it was out in the open with her parents and sister what she had been doing. She claimed she was scared and in the shock & denial phase and that she went because she was trying to escape the pain & guilt since couldn't hide it at home. She later accepted how cowardly that was and expressed regret that she let it get the better of her.

But yes, I told her that if she went, I could never believe that she didn't see him, and she went anyway. I guess what she did while she was there isn't the dealbreaker, it seems to me that the dealbreaker was just simply going. 

Like you said if she wanted the M, she wouldn't have gone, end of discussion, end of M. I'm sticking to the 180, and plan on following through with filing for D. I guess I started this thread with the need talk it out so can follow through without spending much time wondering if my mind could change.


----------



## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Take care of yourself. You are doing the right thing.


----------



## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

One thing ironic that happened during everything was a few months ago she was telling me about one of her friends that had caught her B/f texting another girl and how her friend checks his phone when her b/f goes to sleep everynight. I just thought to myself, wow, is she trying to set me up for my own EA? I could have easily related to her friend about WSOs, I'm just not a weak person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You're doing the right thing moving on, and I think for the right reasons too. She went to Vegas knowing it was ending the marriage. She did it with her eyes fully open and without remorse.

This wasn't brought about due to the 180. Even before you did the 180 she was already planning on going. She had the ticket in hand! 

All that changed was that she did it knowing that you knew she was doing it.

And yes, he went there. 

When you file for divorce, make sure you deduct the cost of what she spent on her vegas trip from her part in the final settlement. Get the ticket fare, any clothes, food, etc. that she spent going there.

Then upgrade to a woman who is so very much better than her.


----------



## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

So, I've been thinking about what to do about OM. I mean, my W is losing me, but he hasn't suffered anything for the role he played.

Since my wife has agreed to grant me a divorce, is respecting my wishes to only contact me if necessary, and has agreed in principle to everything I want to keep, I don't want to do anything that could jeopardize that.

So I feel I'm better off doing something about OM after the divorce is final. I was thinking about sending his parents a letter to his parents, informing them of his involvement in the A, with printouts of their chats and some other stuff as evidence. Since he doesn't have a SO, hes not in the army, and I don't know where he works, thats the only thing I could think of.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Post him on cheaterville. Hire a PI or find out about him. You don't know if he has a SO, but I'm betting that he does. Your STBXW probably doesn't know about her. Lots of guys say they're single online.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> I'm sorry that you're WW enrolled you into the club that no one wants to join, the BS Infidelity Club. Here are the facts as I see them from your post.
> 
> 
> Your WW was in an online ongoing EA (at the time), with an OM, who is allegedly across the country
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Post him on cheaterville. Hire a PI or find out about him. You don't know if he has a SO, but I'm betting that he does. Your STBXW probably doesn't know about her. Lots of guys say they're single online.


I'm not gonna spend money on it. I have his number, his address, his parents number, their address. I know both of his twitter usernames, his e-mail, his facebook is open to public view. 

I signed him up for some $9.99/month ringtone things...no I didn't ...ok maybe I did.

Thanks for the cheaterville mention, I've never seen it before.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

jnj express said:


> Your assumptions, most probably are correct---She went to vegas---KNOWING IT WAS AGST. EVERYTHING YOUR MGE STOOD FOR---but she still went
> 
> He went---you know da*n well what happened
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Her going to Vegas was the deal breaker. Sure probably had sex with him. BUT, even if she did not she was deliberately unfaithful.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I have a problem with the one part. If I read this correctly you kicked her out and told her it was over. She canceled the Vegas trip. After you told her it was over she decided to go anyway.

I don't see why you would be able to use anything against her after you told her that. After all she just took you at your word.

How did you know the OM was in Vegas?

Read "His needs Her Needs", evidently just about anyone can be sucked into an affair given the right circumstances unfortunately. 70 to 75% of people polled admit they would cheat if they knew they wouldn't get caught. Cheating has tripled since the internet has become popular. Its beyond me how someone has an online affair but there it is.


----------



## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

chapparal said:


> I have a problem with the one part. If I read this correctly you kicked her out and told her it was over. She canceled the Vegas trip. After you told her it was over she decided to go anyway.


She never really canceled the trip, she claimed she canceled the hotel, but somehow she magically ended up staying in the same exact hotel she booked. She said the ticket for the flight was non-refundable so she gave me that reason for not canceling it.

Regardless, all signs point to she was still planning on going during the false R, and still talking to OM.

Besides, we were still legally married, I said it was over in a very understandable state of anger, I didn't hand her divorce papers. Also, I didn't "kick" her out, I was very conscious at the time of the law in my state, I told her I didn't want to be around her and asked her to leave. She started a relationship with another person, and continued it during a false R, she told me with her actions that it was over.

I went back and read the text I sent her, what I specifically said to her the day before her flight to Vegas:
I asked her "Why's all the wedding stuff on the bed?"
She replied "Because you seemed so angry when you told me to leave I assumed you wanted it gone also."
Then I said "Well its probably not the only assumption you have about that day that wrong. So I'm telling you this now, Its over if you go to Vegas because I will never be able to believe you didn't see him there." 

She went anyways, I got stuck in Limbo for the next few weeks. I went back and forth between letting her come over and/or communicating with her, thinking she would do something to change my mind, to becoming very depressed about the realization that I'm only gonna be happy with a divorce. Even if she didn't have sex with him in Vegas or even go to Vegas, shes made it clear to me over the course of this whole situation, and even some events prior to this, that shes doesn't have what it takes to get through this, and shes not the person I want to fix my faults for. I'd rather fix my faults for myself, and whoever I meet in the future.

I know the OM was in Vegas cause his friends left comments all over his FB page that weekend like "Happy Birthday, have fun in Vegas"

Coincidentally both of them, who consistently post at least 2-3 tweets a day with their twitter accounts, stopped posting tweets for that entire weekend.


----------



## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Read "His needs Her Needs", evidently just about anyone can be sucked into an affair given the right circumstances unfortunately. 70 to 75% of people polled admit they would cheat if they knew they wouldn't get caught. Cheating has tripled since the internet has become popular. Its beyond me how someone has an online affair but there it is.


I would never cheat under any realistic circumstances. I'd have to be passed out drunk and raped by a girl to even come close. I know how to keep myself far away from situations where I'd even be tempted. The difference between me and cheaters is they could live with themselves hiding that they cheated, I couldn't.

Its very clear to me how someone has an online fair, they're faults are so easily concealed, and lies are so easily told and believed.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> What I specifically said to her the day before her flight "If you go to Vegas, its over, because I will never be able to believe you didn't see him there." She went anyways.


Yep, that should be the end of it. Just don't go back


----------



## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Yep, that should be the end of it. Just don't go back


I'm 99.9% sure I won't be going back. I can't say 100% simply because I'm a scientist by nature. I'm able to look back and see the difference between how I felt during my first attempt at 180 and how I feel now. During my first attempt at a 180, I would sometimes go out of my way to get her to notice I'm doing just fine without her. Those things I was doing to take care of myself didn't last cause I was doing them to prove a point to her.

This time, everything is for me. I've done as much as I can to block her from even getting a glimpse into my life. 

The only bad habit I have yet to kick, is looking at her Twitter page once or twice a day cause I know I'll read something that reminds me I'm making the right choice.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Is she interested in R? How often does she try to contact you?

You need to get the book "His Needs Her Needs". You need to research your marriage and see what you can do to avoid this in the future.


----------



## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

She doesn't try to contact me really. I'm not interested in an R. If we had been married longer, maybe I'd have better hope for how an R would turn out. But we've only been married since April 2010, and she spent 1/3 of that time (that I know of) lying to me, hiding things from me, and carrying on with another man.

I spent the last 6 months blaming myself for stuff that she made me believe I was guilty of, and trying hard to make up for it. I bent over backwards trying anything I could to get her to feel safe opening up to me. I did the 40day love challenge for her (not knowing she was in an EA). Anytime I attempted to discuss my problems with her, I prefaced it with "Look, I'm not innocent, I know I have faults I need to work on, but we need to work together, no more outsiders" All I got towards the end was "I see you're trying 110% but I just don't feel a connection" I've learned how to be a better husband, its just too bad she treated me like doormat. 

What I need is to start healing, living better, and moving on. I cant look back and reflect on this mess if I've only just begun to put it behind me.

I know what I did to make her unhappy to start with. I know what I have to change about myself, and how I am as a person. I know which books I'm going to read.

I don't know if you meant it this way, but I don't want to end up with a Bachelor's in "how to avoid your wife cheating on you", I'd rather get a PHd in how to love yourself and your wife. I can only pray at this point that I'm able to not bring any of the mistrust from this marriage, into any future relationship.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

There is no room here for R. Move on.

Let her have a looser that needs to pick up wmen on the Internet and have them fly in to meet him.

Must be a real catch if he can't score a local squeeze.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

Maybe this will give you an Idea how she is. She had a dog before we got married. I took care of him for awhile after we separated and she finally took him for good last Wednesday. She left almost a full bag of his dog food at the house, so since her parents live by my parents, I asked her thanksgiving day if she wanted me to drop it off cause it was on the way. I have no use for it, so I'd rather give it to her than throw it away. 

She said "ok, text me when you're leaving or just drop it off on the porch if you'd prefer to go that route"
Her parents dining room window looks out onto the porch, and I just want to avoid an awkward situation where they see me and invite me in
so I said "I'd prefer to go the leaving it on the porch route if its possible to do that without being noticed"
She replied "Fine. Leave it in front of my car"
I replied "I sense a tiny bit of attitude?"
she replied "What do you expect, its Thanksgiving and I have nobody to share it with"
She later apologized for it. But how easily she forgot that I didn't have anybody to share it with either, and why that is.

She's been that way the whole time I've been trying. She could never stop herself from doing something she ends up regretting and apologizing for. She may genuinely be sorry and remorseful at times for what she did, but it never sticks with her long. Shes sorry for as long as it takes to turn me back into a doormat so she can pretend like nothing ever happened cause that's her way of dealing with guilt.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You definitely can upgrade from her. There are much better catches out there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Santofimio said:


> She doesn't try to contact me really. I'm not interested in an R. If we had been married longer, maybe I'd have better hope for how an R would turn out. But we've only been married since April 2010, and she spent 1/3 of that time (that I know of) lying to me, hiding things from me, and carrying on with another man.
> 
> I spent the last 6 months blaming myself for stuff that she made me believe I was guilty of, and trying hard to make up for it. I bent over backwards trying anything I could to get her to feel safe opening up to me. I did the 40day love challenge for her (not knowing she was in an EA). Anytime I attempted to discuss my problems with her, I prefaced it with "Look, I'm not innocent, I know I have faults I need to work on, but we need to work together, no more outsiders" All I got towards the end was "I see you're trying 110% but I just don't feel a connection" I've learned how to be a better husband, its just too bad she treated me like doormat.
> 
> ...


If you stay here for awhile and read the threads you will want more than a bachelors, more like a Doctors and armor plating. LOL Admitted, but its an education nobody wants but everyone needs. 

Start out by looking up all the statistics on infidelity , adultery, cheating, divorce etc. People come here all the time and literally know nothing about what is going on in their own marriage.

From what I have gleaned, the three books most recomended are "Love Busters", "His Needs Her Needs" and the "Five Love Languages".

And what it seems to me is that men and women have such different perspectives, communication is nearly impossible. Thus,communication or disintegration. I promise you, if you think you've got it figured out, your going to be let down.


----------



## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

I'd rather learn how to maintain love for myself and love for someone else. You can do everything in your power to stop them from cheating, but still not make yourself or them happy. I realize the reality is, people cheat, I learned the hard way.

I'll just have to do a better job finding someone like me that will communicate when there's a problem & work hard to resolve it, and figure out how to avoid making that person unhappy in the first place.


----------



## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

You don't have kids, and your W cheated so early in your M that it is probably wise to D her. Divorcing after years and with kids is so much harder, as you should know. 

However, if you entertain the 1% chance of R with her by off chance, I want to mention that there is Polygraph you can demand on her to prove that she did not sleep with OM in Vegas. It costs about $500. Just to let you know.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Santofimio said:


> I'd rather learn how to maintain love for myself and love for someone else. You can do everything in your power to stop them from cheating, but still not make yourself or them happy. I realize the reality is, people cheat, I learned the hard way.
> 
> I'll just have to do a better job finding someone like me that will communicate when there's a problem & work hard to resolve it, and figure out how to avoid making that person unhappy in the first place.


You're still missing the point.


----------



## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

chapparal said:


> You're still missing the point.


What point am I missing? Hit me with it, use a sledgehammer if you have to.


----------



## lpsscc (Oct 31, 2011)

I know you really are not considering R but if you are in the slightest look around this site and read the threads where the H admits the W had an EA/PA in the first few years of marriage, forgave them and was paid back 20 years later with another EA/PA.

Just FYI.


----------



## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

Something just dawned on me. She is under my insurance and I have seen the explanation of benefit payments from my STBXW's first three visits to the therapists, but I have yet to see an explanation of benefits from the last two or three visits that she claims to have went to. One of them was supposed to have been right after the big D-Day and this supposed visit resulted in her wanting to R. The details she gave about this supposed visit leads me to believe it did occur. But she supposedly had a follow up visit post-false R after I discovered she was still contacting OM, and I suspect this one never took place.

I'm not really dwelling on it, thank god. But I still feel like calling my insurance to find out. Mostly out of curiosity, not with intent to bring it up to her ever.


----------



## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

I figured out how to get EOB online, and discovered that she didn't go to the follow up visit with her therapist post-false R. Oh well, happy to say It doesn't bother me at this point, was just interesting to find out since I had once had doubts.


----------



## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

Just updating as a sort of journal at this point or in case theres something another person can take from it.

I submitted all the paperwork to the lawyer today so he can get started on the document to file. I talked with him for a couple mins to just ask a few questions. Whatever impression he got from my questions prompted him to ask "Is everything alright? You seem like you're in a rush to get this done?"

I thought about it for a second and I told him yes, I am anxious to get this over with as quick as possible and it’s because everything is alright that I'm anxious. It is quite a relief to have been able to turn the corner finally and start looking forward positively. 

I can only hypothesize how I got to this point from where I where I started a month ago, which I would label as moving forward negatively. I honestly still felt depressed this same time last week, dwelling on a few things I did early in the marriage that I felt guilty about, dwelling on losing the things we shared that I enjoyed. Who knows, maybe I had to beat myself up to the point where I had no choice but to fight back and win.

Where I'm at today; I have a really good understanding of what boundaries of mine I ignored well before we even got married and I'm comfortable with lesson I've learned thus far. I’m starting to learn more about my boundaries overall, and how to fix some that I’ve allowed to be crossed & lived with. I look forward to learning even more about myself. I've already begun making some changes with my inner-self and thinking about/planning changes I want to make in my life. I've started the process of re-connecting with some old friends, and engaging more with friends that I've kept the whole time. I'm doing all of this at a very patient, one-step at a time pace and not overwhelming myself like I've tended to do in the past. 

I’m still maintaining my boundaries with the opposite sex until the D is final as a favor to myself. Although I have no desire to go looking for, or be open to, a relationship for a long time, I’m looking forward to at least being free from my boundaries to engage/interact with females on a more personal level if the moment strikes.


----------

