# Feeling lost..



## SeeJay (Nov 12, 2019)

My husband of 3 years (together for 10) decided to suddenly leave last week. He has clearly hit an emotional wall and cannot take any more. We have acknowledged that there are deep rooted issues in our relationship regarding intimacy and resentment but we have not yet taken the steps to work on these things. Now he has decided that he does not love me anymore and wants space to consider how he truly feels. He is very emotionally unavailable so I was not expecting this but when he said he didn't love me I felt that it was most honest he has been about how he's been feeling. 

He was barely willing to have a conversation to decide if this is a separation or the end of our relationship. He said that in his head this is over and he just doesn't want to see me for a few weeks to see how he truly feels. I agreed that space was probably the right thing for us at the moment and asked if we could reevaluate in a month. This is how we have left it but we have not actually set a date on when this meet up will be. I also asked if we could "check-in" with each other once a week just so that we know each other is physically ok and he seemed reluctant with even this amount of communication. 

Now I'm feeling like I shouldn't contact him at all because I don't want him to think that I'm trying to manipulate him to get back with me. Do I just wait for him to contact me when is ready to talk?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Well your H is out playing, can you explain the issues you and H were dealing with so that we may have a better understanding of your complete relationship with your H.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Do you know the origin of the issue? What is it he can't take anymore? Is that something that you think its possible could change. 

For example if a couple is badly mismatched in their sexual desires, there may be no solution that will make the both happy.

OTOH if its disagreements over chores, or where to live, or someone's drinking, its possible that it is possible to change.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

""""He has clearly hit an emotional wall and cannot take any more. We have acknowledged that there are deep rooted issues in our relationship regarding intimacy and resentment but we have not yet taken the steps to work on these things. """""


Explain the above.


"""""not yet taken the steps to work on these things"""""

Has he tried but you never checked in ..... so he checked out ?????


I would suggest you DO NOT call him. But that is just me. Give him time to cool off.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Give him space. You need space as well to think about things and put you first emotionally.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He is most likely out test driving your replacement.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Don’t listen to negative people. Give your husband the benefit of the doubt. Give him space.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

If this is a sexless marriage, he could just be done. Maybe it is an affair, who knows. I think we need more info from you, but I’d give him the space he needs. Maybe start counseling and after a few sessions, he’d be willing to join?


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## SeeJay (Nov 12, 2019)

Our issues stem from when I had a depressive phase and had to quit work a few years ago, he came to resent me for it as he felt helpless in how to help me. He never told me this until years later and so whenever I had any "low days" he would continue to resent me. He would switch off emotionally and turn cold towards me. I began to feel pressure that whenever I wasn't on form, he would resent me. He runs his own business so he feels that he does not have the capacity to handle the pressure of when I am feeling low and that he feels like he has to pick up the slack. I asked him when he was leaving if it was true that our relationship was a nuisance to him because he only had the ability to focus on work, he said yes.

He also has ED so we have struggled sexually over the years. I have been patient and understand his problems with it but I admit that there are times when I find that it is difficult as I feel like I have to base everything on his needs and his emotions because of his problem. I felt his growing lack of affection towards due to resentment. So whenever he did show me affection it was because he wanted to try initiate sex. Because we lacked intimacy and affection in our relationship I found it difficult to want to have sex with him.

We finally decided to see a counsellor and we identified ways that we could work on the resentment and intimacy issues. As well as me taking more control over my mental health. However, under 2 months later I was forced in to a difficult situation having to be back in touch with my mom (whom physically and emotionally abused me until I was kicked out at 15) as she became suddenly homeless. The experience of being around her hit me very hard and I finally decided to walk away. This was a big step for me and took me time to come to terms with. However, this meant that the focus of trying to work on our relationship fell on the back burner. 

I had recently been doing better and thought that things were ok with us. We still enjoyed spending time together and still had conversations on getting back on track with focusing on quality time together. However, I had a few days where I still struggled with feeling down and could still feel his resentment. Him turning cold towards me and switching off emotionally. I asked him if he was still feeling resentment towards me later when I felt better and this is what started his decision to leave.

I agree that we need space but I do not feel positive about the outcome in my gut so I'm trying to tell myself to move forward with my life. He can be so emotionally closed off that I do not feel like I will hear from him for a long time now


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I understand his point of view and I could understand why he was/is resentful. 

I hope that you have since got a job and are able to be independent from him.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I can relate regarding the ED issue, having dealt with the same thing. Its a tough situation to deal with for sure. 

Ask yourself, is HE the person that you really want to be with for the rest of your life? There doesnt seem to be any connection or happiness or real love between you. Maybe it would be best to finally just let him go...


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## SeeJay (Nov 12, 2019)

Girl_power said:


> I understand his point of view and I could understand why he was/is resentful.
> 
> I hope that you have since got a job and are able to be independent from him.


I did not rely on him financially at any point. He needed help with his business and I worked with him over the past 5 years to double the size of his business. I am currently working from home in order for him to maintain his space.


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## SeeJay (Nov 12, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> I can relate regarding the ED issue, having dealt with the same thing. Its a tough situation to deal with for sure.
> 
> Ask yourself, is HE the person that you really want to be with for the rest of your life? There doesnt seem to be any connection or happiness or real love between you. Maybe it would be best to finally just let him go...


It has been tough for him. I know that it is probably something that bothers him more than he lets on. As I mentioned, he can be emotionally closed off a lot of the time.

I guess that's what I am trying to figure out now - I feel like I want to try work through our issues to know that we at least tried. I know that he is a good person and we genuinely enjoyed spending time together. But I know that it would not work if it continued the way it was.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

SeeJay said:


> I did not rely on him financially at any point. He needed help with his business and I worked with him over the past 5 years to double the size of his business. I am currently working from home in order for him to maintain his space.


Do you currently work for/with him?


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## SeeJay (Nov 12, 2019)

Tex X said:


> Do you currently work for/with him?


Yes I am currently as this has only just happened. I am looking for other work in order to move away from the business.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Less likely he is having an affair if he has Ed, at least physical affair....but i can see where the mounting stress in your individual and together existence has take a toll on your relationship. It clear that you were smart in walking away from your mother, no less hard for you and i hope you are getting individual counseling for that, but i do see where it may make sense for both of you to work on yourselves before you can work on your relationship, but i do highly recommend that you both sit down with a plan around this separation. if the intent by both of you is to make this relationship work, and that you both love each other, than you need structure, that means you need to keep the lines of communication open with parameters that respect each of your individuals works. But i would also spell out that any dating outside the marriage only defeats those goals


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

SeeJay said:


> It has been tough for him. I know that it is probably something that bothers him more than he lets on. As I mentioned, he can be emotionally closed off a lot of the time.
> 
> I guess that's what I am trying to figure out now - I feel like I want to try work through our issues to know that we at least tried. I know that he is a good person and we genuinely enjoyed spending time together. But I know that it would not work if it continued the way it was.


Ok, thanks for opening up. I do think he is filled with resentment and has fallen out of love with you. He was not strong enough to endure anymore. Even though now you wish to try, possiblity his thought is he has given is all but didn't see you do the same and has the understanding you may have said this before and nothing came if it. I would get legal advice on because you co-worker since the beginning of the business that you may be entitled to some share of it. 

But during this time do go out and seek away for you to survive and support yourself. He may act quickly in his decision. It seems change only occurs at the twelfth hour. And unless HE changes is thoughts, you will go down the road he takes you. I also am wanting to be hopeful, but it has taken it's toll on him.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Not looking so good Mrs. SeeJay. I’m sticking with give him space. Resentment is powerful and not an easy wall to tear down. It’s one of those things that builds a little at a time until it crushes you ....

He may well have called it quits in his mind already. I think only time will tell.

I do wish you best of luck whatever the outcome.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Less likely he is having an affair if he has Ed, at least physical affair....but i can see where the mounting stress in your individual and together existence has take a toll on your relationship. It clear that you were smart in walking away from your mother, no less hard for you and i hope you are getting individual counseling for that, but i do see where it may make sense for both of you to work on yourselves before you can work on your relationship, but i do highly recommend that you both sit down with a plan around this separation. if the intent by both of you is to make this relationship work, and that you both love each other, than you need structure, that means you need to keep the lines of communication open with parameters that respect each of your individuals works. But i would also spell out that any dating outside the marriage only defeats those goals


Actually, someone with ED issues could well have a physical affair, if they have convinced themselves that all of their problems were caused by their spouse. If only they could try it with that cute girl they met on the checkout at Tesco! That lovely woman who works at the library, etc.
@SeeJay, stick with us, we can offer you help, tips, guidance (based on experience in most cases) and a place for you to chill out. We have a Social Space where you can share jokes, recipe tips, favourite cartoons, etc. 

Don't forget to get the help you need from your counsellor and/or your doctor. And check out your legal position with a solicitor, especially as you are working for his business. A solicitor with business issues experience, rather than being one who mainly covers divorce cases, I'd suggest.

I say solicitor, because, based on the fact that, like me, you spell counsellor with two, rather than a single s, I suspect you are in Britain or Eire?

I could be wrong, as Australians, Canadians and various Commonwealth folks spell it counsellor. So if the latter is the case, see a lawyer!


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Actually, someone with ED issues could well have a physical affair, if they have convinced themselves that all of their problems were caused by their spouse. If only they could try it with that cute girl they met on the checkout at Tesco! That lovely woman who works at the library, etc.


Agreed. The inability to work out the intimacy issues, and especially her rejection of sex when he tries to initiate it (doesn't matter if there are good reasons for the rejection or not; the context here, the ED, makes a huge difference in likeliness of outcome), is going to send his heart in the direction of any woman that inspires arousal. 
@SeeJay is in a tough position because I think the only way she can save this marriage, assuming there's something here to save, is to find a way to accomodate his sexual desires without it dehumanizing her. If she's truly in love with her husband, she may have to see sex as part of his "treatment" much the way she likely had to be treated for depression through pills and therapy. It's not a "fair" choice, I get that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I would suggest couple's counselling, but they were in couple's counselling and he decided to vamoose from the marriage which, as they both work for his business was very unhelpful of him. So, at present, I don't think that would be helpful. Though individual counselling for @SeeJay might be worth exploring.

@SeeJay, if he's reluctant to have a weekly check in, how the heck does he expect you to be able to help run the business? Or might he have a replacement lined up?

Where is he staying? Is he staying with anyone? 

Does he have issues he hasn't disclosed to you?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You obviously can’t save a marriage when you’re the only one trying. Give him the space he’s asked for and continue on with your life.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

SeeJay, understand something about emotions and the human psyche. The thing is that nobody likes being left. When a person breaks off a relationship or marriage, the other person feels kicked to the curb. That event causes a whole whirlwind of very confusing, but extremely affecting, hormone activity....all because the psyche has been bruised. The psyche, among other things, is that portion of your subconscious mind that stores and protects the great and deserving person you consider yourself to be - this is the ego, which is defined as "the most basic part of the personality." When the bruise to the ego occurs, your system floods with excessive amounts of the hormones that normally control anxiety, energy, sadness, happiness, excitability, etc. At the same time, the one hormone, serotonin, that ordinarily stabilizes you, decreases to insufficient supply. 

When a person gets left, it kicks off all this chain reaction of hormone activity, which, in turn, causes overwhelming, and often uncontrollable, feelings of sadness and dejection because it makes them feel someone thinks less of them - less wonderful, less worthy - than they think of themselves.

All of this happens regardless of the circumstances. Even if you didn't love the person and didn't want to be with them, all of this would still happen if they showed you signs of disinterest. And, this happens even when you should let the person go - and that's what I think is happening in your case. You acknowledge that your husband was emotionally unavailable, and you tell us of how he could never be there for you in any kind of supportive or understanding way. So I say good riddance to bad rubbish and hope you will think about it in more objective terms and realize he didn't really serve you very well in his role as husband although I know it's hard to do that right now due to him being the one who left. 

Resentment over your mental health issues? Rubbish! He thinks he's perfect. It's that ego thing. So he thinks he deserves someone who is perfect, so your imperfection is what he couldn't deal with. That was his problem, but he couldn't admit to that. He blamed you instead. He is just as flawed as he thinks you are, even more so.

And seriously, you cannot possibly cause a man to have a physical problem like erectile dysfunction. He blamed you for that too, but it's ridiculous.

The fact that you think you - thinking your mental health issues caused him to be the unsupportive and emotionally unavailable person that he is - are to blame. But you didn't cause that, so you are not to blame. You can't CAUSE a person to be who they are any more than he caused you to have the color hair that you have, or the color of your eyes, or your height, or your shoe size, or your mental health issues. His own character flaws and emotional imbalance are what shaped his own personality.

So you're sad that he left and blaming yourself, but you are honestly better off without him and the pain that he caused you.

Please keep your promise, if only to yourself, that will take more control over your mental health. Have you seen a doctor? Are you on medication? If not, and until you can get to a doctor, you can take St. John's Wort to help you through this tough time of separation, but please get to a doctor as soon as possible.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Less likely he is having an affair if he has Ed, at least physical affair....


And a lot of the time, the ED is situational. He has it in his current marriage but that's largely because of the very poor state of their relationship. That DOESN'T mean he'd have it outside the marriage. That's just the reality of the situation.

I also think the OP will come to discover that his last couple years of "ED" and him moving out had *everything* to do with someone else.


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