# my husband used me as a job reference



## sadbride

My husband has been out of work for 6 months. He has been using me as a job reference because I am an employed professional. I told him that was a bad idea but he doesn't trust some of his previous managers.

Today I received a call from a potential employer. She asked me 3 questions. For the first 2, I praised his work ethic and said I would hire him. Then, she asked me how I knew him. I said I was his wife. She said she would call the other two references.

My husband is now so mad at me he won't even speak to me. He wanted me to "I knew him when he worked at ... " I think I did nothing wrong and the potential employer needed to know the truth.

Should I apologize?


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## Zzyzx

sadbride said:


> My husband has been out of work for 6 months. He has been using me as a job reference because I am an employed professional. I told him that was a bad idea but he doesn't trust some of his previous managers.
> 
> Today I received a call from a potential employer. She asked me 3 questions. For the first 2, I praised his work ethic and said I would hire him. Then, she asked me how I knew him. I said I was his wife. She said she would call the other two references.
> 
> My husband is now so mad at me he won't even speak to me. He wanted me to "I knew him when he worked at ... " I think I did nothing wrong and the potential employer needed to know the truth.
> 
> Should I apologize?


And I thought my ex-wife was the only one I ever heard of asking me for a reference. I counseled her against it, but she insisted anyway and I said, ok I don't mind helping you, but this is going pretty far because you don't want me to mention being married to you at one point so I will severely limit my responses. By limiting, I meant I would only say the absolute minimum, yes she worked there, that was her salary at the end, I'm done, not another word. Have to tell you I was only called one time, 3 years ago. Goes to show you how often they really check references out there. Last time we talked about this, I pointed out to her how easily my name and phone number could be connected to her through our time together. Haven't heard anything on this since.


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## Lon

Asking your references to lie or omit critical details, particularly when its your spouse is unfair. You did nothing wrong, unless you agreed to lie for him and told him so beforehand. What if you had lied then the potential employer later found out, that would harm your own reputation - it is your integrity at stake not his, a spouse must respect that.


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## Lon

now if it was an EX spouse asking for a professional reference, well then they are just stupid and don't deserve the job.


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## sadbride

I never told him that I would lie for him. I begged him not to use me. He wanted me to say, "I knew him when he worked at ... I knew him when he graduated ... " It implies that I am his friend. I think it's wrong to leave off important information like that.


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## Lon

sadbride said:


> I never told him that I would lie for him. I begged him not to use me. He wanted me to say, "I knew him when he worked at ... I knew him when he graduated ... " It implies that I am his friend. I think it's wrong to leave off important information like that.


Sounds like he has a script of how everything will go in his head, but has a hard time accepting reality or being flexible. A pretty frustrating way to live when it doesn't go as planned. Is this job he is applying for as an author? He should honestly look at careers in creative writing.


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## PBear

I think you're right. Asking you to lie for him would be potential grounds for dismissal. And it's a high risk, especially if it's the kind of job with social/spouse included get togethers. 

As far as answering the minimum, that's pretty standard at large company HR anyway... A lot of companies up here in Canada will simply confirm that you worked there, and for what time period. If they answer anything else, they're afraid of getting sued if you don't get the job, I think. Or sued by the other company, if they hire you based on incorrect information. Easier just to stick with the basics.

C


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## RoseRed

Its absolutely wrong for asking a spouse to be a reference. Completely unprofessional and unethical. The reason... it CANNOT exist as an unbiased opinion.

You have no reason to apoligize... and even if your H begged you... I would have refused. There are many other ways you could help and support him in his job search... this is NOT one of them.


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## WhereAmI

How dare you not compromise your integrity!?!

I wouldn't have done it either. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than lying. I'd do it to save someone's life. Beyond that? Fat chance!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon

WhereAmI said:


> *How dare you not compromise your integrity!?!*
> 
> I wouldn't have done it either. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than lying. I'd do it to save someone's life. Beyond that? Fat chance!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


wow, I read this a couple times in my head and just clicked so strongly - and my eyes perked up as I just started getting all the flashes of times my W asked me to compromise my integrity, and I almost always refused and she got so resentful thinking I was not making her the priority... I am literally shaking as I just figured this out.

e.g.
"you want me to take a sick day so you can go do ____??"
"You want me to tell you beloved relative on the phone that you are not home because you are watching some stupid reality show??"
"You are disappointed at me that I didn't defend you when the neighbor got mad you hit their parked car causing a thousand dollars damage and weren't going to tell them?"
etc...

I'm sure I have many more examples both large and small but I think this has been part of the feelings of relief that go along with detaching from her.


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## Trenton

I would have said he was a good friend. You're hopefully not lying and I think allowing him to get the job would trump having to be completely honest with a stranger.


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## chillymorn

Trenton said:


> I would have said he was a good friend. You're hopefully not lying and I think allowing him to get the job would trump having to be completely honest with a stranger.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## RoseRed

Trenton said:


> I would have said he was a good friend. You're hopefully not lying and I think allowing him to get the job would trump having to be completely honest with a stranger.


I can understand this reasoning, however I cannot reconcile this with ones personal strength of character and integrity. 

IMO, for example, If I ask my H if I look fat in these pants... if he lied to me to spare hurting me feelings is understandable, what would hurt me more is his disrepecting me personally that he would think I would not be able to handle the truth.


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## Prodigal

If you feel you were compromising your ethics, by all means make it clear to hubby that you REFUSE to be used as a reference from now on.

On the other hand ... the economy sucks, big-time. That is a fact. People are desperate, and he may be coming from that perspective.

My estranged husband used me as a reference to get a job as a math tutor at the local two-year college where he lives. I never received a call. However, my husband DID tutor me when I was taking college-level math, so I would have given him a good reference on that count. Had he referenced me as a former employer ... no, I would not have gone along with it.


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## Trenton

RoseRed said:


> I can understand this reasoning, however I cannot reconcile this with ones personal strength of character and integrity.
> 
> IMO, for example, If I ask my H if I look fat in these pants... if he lied to me to spare hurting me feelings is understandable, what would hurt me more is his disrepecting me personally that I would not be able to handle the truth.


Nah. I don't get your reasoning.

It's supposed to be you and him against the world, not him against you while you throw him under a bus.


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## sadbride

So we stayed mad at each other until I left to go to a party. I was in a car accident. I was ok, but I spent several hours in a police station.

My husband was worried about me and sent supportive texts all through the little ordeal.

I think he was wrong to have used me as a reference when I told him not to. I said the wrong thing. Ultimately, I agree that I should have stated that I knew him in a professional context before we got married. I think we were both in the wrong. We'll survive this but I hope it doesn't happen again. 

I appreciated everyone's thoughtful posts. I liked to read the people who took my husband's side. You guys made me understand his point of view. I also appreciate the people who backed up my point of view. I like this forum. Thank you to every poster here.


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## Trenton

sadbride said:


> So we stayed mad at each other until I left to go to a party. I was in a car accident. I was ok, but I spent several hours in a police station.
> 
> My husband was worried about me and sent supportive texts all through the little ordeal.
> 
> I think he was wrong to have used me as a reference when I told him not to. I said the wrong thing. Ultimately, I agree that I should have stated that I knew him in a professional context before we got married. I think we were both in the wrong. We'll survive this but I hope it doesn't happen again.
> 
> I appreciated everyone's thoughtful posts. I liked to read the people who took my husband's side. You guys made me understand his point of view. I also appreciate the people who backed up my point of view. I like this forum. Thank you to every poster here.


That's really great! Glad you're OK and that things are better with the hubs. 

It really is a personal thing which is why it helps if couples have similar value systems.


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## RoseRed

Trenton said:


> Nah. I don't get your reasoning.
> 
> It's supposed to be you and him against the world, not him against you while you throw him under a bus.


I'm sorry.. its NOT me and him AGAINST the world... it is and should be together WITH the world... NO ONE should ever be coerced to or comprimise their truth, their faith, their beliefs, their values or their morals. This is why it is so important for couples to fully discover each other BEFORE they get married. 

My H and I are christian, if he all of the sudden recanted and wished to partake in satanic practices, do you think I should surrender my truth as a christian, just so that I'm with him against the world? Silliness!


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## TwoDogs

RoseRed said:


> Its absolutely wrong for asking a spouse to be a reference. Completely unprofessional and unethical. The reason... it CANNOT exist as an unbiased opinion.


:iagree:

If I learned that a job candidate had used a spouse as a reference, it would cost them the job offer. If you can't find objective professional references to speak to your value and performance, I don't want you working for me.


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## sleeplesssomewhere

What if you lied and then later on they found out? I can't even imagine trying to hid the fact that you are his wife because what if they ended up connecting you and him later at a work party or some other way. On applications I filled out in the past it usually says something like References Other Than Family Members so that would automatically exclude you.


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## RandomDude

> Today I received a call from a potential employer. She asked me 3 questions. For the first 2, I praised his work ethic and said I would hire him. Then, she asked me how I knew him. I said I was his wife. She said she would call the other two references.


:rofl:

Anyways in response to your poll, I answered other. You're not exactly wrong as professionally it's not good to lie - I wouldn't. But it's obvious it's not really a good thing for him lol.

If my wife wishes to use me as a reference I would be honest and professional, and looking at an employers' perspective (she has worked in my restaurant to help out from time to time) she's quite a decent worker, good initiative and work ethic. I would be honest with her flaws as well. However if she has never worked for me I wouldn't say that she has, but that's just me.


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## BluJ

chillymorn said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:


Totally agree, helping him get the job and helping your family budget is a hell of a lot more important than lying to a stranger, especially if you know he will do a great job. Family first - always!!!!!!


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