# What are your rules and boundaries for opposite sex friends with your spouse?



## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

What are good boundaries to have? I don't agree with banning all opposite sex friends, but some situations make me uncomfortable.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I don't plan to have a "board meeting" with my fiance, even when he becomes my spouse....... although experience tells me to get these matters squared away before marriage by whatever means.

My expreience also tells me that open and honest dialogue doesn't work for me. Maybe I only attract alpha males who only read visuals and behavior.

Anyway, I would like to see transparency with the accounts...... e-mail, phone, FB and others.

For someone who is truly a friend, I have met her. I am always welcomed to any invitation that she issues the household -- from another woman, he will never receive a personal invitation..... if it's work related, i'll take a view to it.....--whether my husband can attend or not. And if I don't like her behavior towards me, him, us, she's history.

and I give that to him.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

My rules are for myself more than anything - my wife works with and socializes almost exclusively with women, her choice.

No one on one contact without someone else there. 100% openness in electronic communication.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

curlysue321 said:


> What are good boundaries to have? I don't agree with banning all opposite sex friends, but some situations make me uncomfortable.


If I had to be black or white about it I would say no opposite sex friends. This is because sometimes when your marriage may be going through turmoil it could easily spark an EA.

Being a guy, I know how guys are.. I have/ had female friends I would nver sleep with regardless. I also live by the rule: Bros before hoes... 

When I was young I was a 'player'... as I got older I didn't like that about me and I changed.. I don't like guys now either who were just like I was.. I am a hypocrit in that way..

Opposite sex friends if you are married can be tricky.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

My boundaries are set by me. They are my limitations on myself. While I am sure my wife would love to set them for me, without a strong belief internally about them, they won’t hold value. However, my boundaries I set DO take into account how I want to preserve my marriage and how my wife might react that would best not be tested.

Also... My boundaries are relationship specific. For example, what I call “redflag women” (ones I am attracted and drawn to) if I can’t ban myself from contact, I have very, very strict boundaries like keeping it entirely professional and bringing up my marriage and kids in a positive light. Non-threatening ones like our elderly neighbor, don’t have boundaries any stronger than normal social courtesies.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

curlysue321 said:


> What are good boundaries to have? I don't agree with banning all opposite sex friends, but some situations make me uncomfortable.


We don't do opposite sex friends. Acquaintances might be okay on a case by case basis but no close opposite sex friends. As much as possible we aren't even alone with people of the opposite sex. Our marriage isn't worth the risk.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

curlysue321 said:


> What are good boundaries to have? I don't agree with banning all opposite sex friends, but some situations make me uncomfortable.


The rule that my husband and I have is that we are not allowed to have one on one time with anyone of the opposite sex, friend or not. If he wants to hang out with a group of friends, then he certainly can. But if he wanted to just get coffee with his female friend, that would not be ok. It is disrespectful to our marriage and we both felt that it was not okay.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

When I worked my wife had no problems with me having coffee or lunch one on one in the workplace canteen with a female work colleague, nor do I with her doing the same in her line or work with male colleagues. If either of us was to socialise outside the marriage or workplace (e.g. office party) I think we would both expect that to be kept to group settings.

There have been occasions in 35 years now, when wife and I have been in different countries for a few days or there have been plays I have wanted to see which my wife has not when I have had dinner or gone to the theatre with another, single woman. This has only been after 15+ years marriage , in circumstances where my wife has known and been friends with the women concerned, has known what was happening, has been consulted well in advance, given an opportunity to object if she wanted.

On all occasions I reckon darling wife has assessed (correctly) that she is much more attractive to me and knows that, whatever my limitations, I am hardly going to risk a marriage to a gorgeous woman for a fling with one who is not!


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

My boundaries are for me. I don't impose rules on him. I expect him to honor the commitment he made to me years ago. My husband has great boundaries even though he hasn't read a single self-help book or visited a relationship forum. I would say my husband has the same boundaries I do.
My boundaries for myself..

-A male friend doesn't come to my house unless my husband is also there.
-My husband knows who my friends are. There aren't secret friendships.
-I don't flirt with any male friend
-I don't talk to male friends about any marital problems.
-I don't bad mouth my spouse to anyone
-I don't call or text a male friend more than call or text my spouse. 
-Any email I write to a male friend can be read by my spouse. My spouse knows my email passwords and I know his. There's nothing to hide. In fact, quite often, I'll ask him to check my email because I'm feeling lazy. 
-No keeping in touch with old boyfriends

I don't have an issue if he has to have lunch with a female colleague at work. And he has no problems with work lunches if I do it. Generally we take each other to work parties, but I'm not bothered if he goes to an occasional work Christmas party or whatever. It's very rare his workplace has those types of events.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

curlysue321 said:


> What are good boundaries to have? I don't agree with banning all opposite sex friends, but some situations make me uncomfortable.


I think that you not wanting to ban opposite sex friends is a mistake. If you read around the Coping With Infidelity board you will see that may affairs start with Opposite Sex Friends and Mutual Friends of the Opposite Sex. No good can come from others being too close to your spouse. But if you don't want to go down that road, here are some thoughts for you:


Educate your husband on affair dynamics with books like "Not Just Friends".
Set boundaries and expectations between you and him. Clear, verifiable and with her full agreement so he doesn't tell you that you have trust issues or are controlling. Some boundaries could be:


No socializing outside the office, even with you there. They should not get too close on a personal level. I can't stress this enough.
He should not discuss your marriage with her and her marriage with him.
They should not discuss personal problems with each other especially problems regarding you.
You should have unrestricted access to personal and work e-mail, phone and work computer, no questions asked. You dont have to check it constantly, but you must have access.
I'm sure that others here can add to the list but the book "Not Just Friends" is key. If you can't see yourself setting at least this up, you are taking a big risk just not to be called controlling. I don't like your situation at all.


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## AWorkInProgress (Dec 6, 2012)

My husband and I agreed when we were dating that any friend of either of us also had to be a friend to us as a couple. There may be times where either one of us may allow a one-on-one conversation with an opposite sex friend, but that hasn't happened, since most of our friends (single or married) would gladly meet with us both. We also do not do any recreational activities one-on-one or solo in small groups (less than 10) with opposite sex friends. 

This boundary is often questioned when one of us is in the position to enforce it with someone. I guess for some, our boundary may seem extreme or limiting, but I find it actually quite liberating as it does not allow for ambiguity and interpretation.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

trust them unconditionally unless they give you serious reason not too


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

curlysue321 said:


> What are good boundaries to have? I don't agree with banning all opposite sex friends, but some situations make me uncomfortable.


Because of experiences in my marriage, where my husband was not trustworthy around other women, we have both agreed to a situation where there are no opposite sex friends in a private setting. I've worded that badly .. what I mean is that of course if either of us bumps into an opposite sex coworker, or an opposite sex friend from church, by all means chat, catch up, etc - but no getting into a private situation with them, like going for lunch, or texting, or emailing them privately. It all needs to be entirely above board, and never one-on-one. I don't doubt my own behavior, but I have reason to doubt his, and so it's better that we both observe the same boundaries.

For men and women generally, I think that the one-on-one stuff is the dangerous area and, really, why does a married man or woman _need _to be alone with an opposite sex friend? I can't think of any _good _reason. If someone is having troubles, by all means seek help, but from your own gender, or from a pastor, or a family member. 

That's just me, of course.


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## AWorkInProgress (Dec 6, 2012)

It's not really a matter of trust as much as it falls under the mutual respect category for me. We were intentional in how we wanted to honor each other and our coupleship.

My husband and I do a lot activities together in a large social group (couples and singles). There have men that have contacted me "on the side" (email/facebook/etc) with whom I have voiced that I do not have "on the side" interactions with men as I am married. Some men "get it" and are respectful to both me and my husband moving forward. Others, however, have balked when I have stated my boundary. Then, both I and my husband are aware that this person is "unsafe" and we may feel the need to ensure even further distance /less contact if we attend the same event.

None of these boundaries are demanded of either of us. It is how we choose to love and honor each other.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

A short list of our boundaries:

Include spouse in as many activities with friend as possible
Say nothing that you can't say in front of your spouse
No bad talking about either spouse
Minimize alone time
No touching
Don't communiate with them more than your same gender friends or your spouse (includes talk, phone, text, FB etc.)

In addition one needs to respect your spouses gut feelings on a friendship.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> We don't do opposite sex friends. Acquaintances might be okay on a case by case basis but no close opposite sex friends. As much as possible we aren't even alone with people of the opposite sex. Our marriage isn't worth the risk.


This is how my wife and I handle this issue as well. Actually she is the one that brought this up even before we got married and I quickly agreed. You and my wife must think alike Mavash.


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## emma83 (Jan 7, 2013)

I wouldn't do what I wouldn't want done to me.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

emma83 said:


> I wouldn't do what I wouldn't want done to me.


I got rid of all my male friends. So I don't go out with men one-on-one. I do not even have any guy friends on FB. So I don't do what I don't want done to me, but hubby doesn't share my feelings.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Easy really

"Don't like her?" Ok I'll refuse friendship with her
"Don't like him?" Ok I'll refuse friendship with him

Works for us, our social circle is intertwined and we both have full control of each other's social choices, whether male or female.


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## Leading Man (Dec 11, 2012)

I am a simple man. I agree with Emma83. In any situation, take 30 seconds and think if the roles were reversed, would you be OK with your spouse being in your situation. If not then rethink what you are doing/about to do. Quite simple really.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

curlysue321 said:


> I got rid of all my male friends. So I don't go out with men one-on-one. I do not even have any guy friends on FB. So I don't do what I don't want done to me, but hubby doesn't share my feelings.


Perhaps you should turn the tables a little and find a male friend and start friending male friends on Facebook ..... and see what happens. Nothing nefarious of course .... just to get a reaction.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Racer said:


> Also... My boundaries are relationship specific. For example, what I call “redflag women” (ones I am attracted and drawn to) if I can’t ban myself from contact, I have very, very strict boundaries like keeping it entirely professional and bringing up my marriage and kids in a positive light. Non-threatening ones like our elderly neighbor, don’t have boundaries any stronger than normal social courtesies.


Yes, that is a good point and exactly how I behave.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

curlysue321 said:


> What are good boundaries to have? I don't agree with banning all opposite sex friends, but some situations make me uncomfortable.


I work in an office and my wife works from home. I do not go out to lunch with any female coworkers unless it's a department type thing. I also make it a point to not get too close, emotionally wise, with any of my female coworkers. Those that have come to me with personal issues I refer to others (politely, of course). The two times I have gone out to lunch with a female coworker (I walked thru resumes thru and they were hired and wanted to take me out to lunch as a thank you) I fully informed my wife and she had veto power. 

My wife is a bit more naive about men and how they slyly prey on women. She has more interaction with men as a result of her job and the various writing groups she belongs to. It has caused one serious issue and she is more careful now.


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## librarydragon (Aug 20, 2011)

Couple friends...OK. Opposite sex friends...NOT OK. EVER. 

What could I possibly need from an opposite sex friend that I can't get from female friends and my husband?


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

since i've always been a tomboy girl since childhood; it's easier for me to befriend a guy than a girl.my boundaries are for me ,like many other posters said before.

- no flirting. no sexual talk. it's okay if they ask me:'is it normal for girl to do this/that during sex?'. as the question doesn't involved me in it, that's okay.but if the question becomes : 'do you like,BJ, stopandmakecoffee?', that surely will end our friendship.

- no too much seeing each other, and thankfully there are social media sites. most of my friends either live in another continent or another states, each one is busy with their own lives. when seeing a 'friend' becomes an urgent emotional need, that's just wrong.and never see each other in private setting. for a woman to do this in here, that's huge red sign on her face. hang around with many people in public, that's fine.

- texting is fine. but what is it for? what's the topic? if the topics are : 'im cooking A, and i don't know what to do with this.help?'.that might be a long back and forth texts and i allow it. also with 'how to talk to a girl during a fight' -yeah, i got this a lot. them with their girlfriend(s). but that's it.after the storm has passed, no text.

- not sending cards/gifts on special days. that's one of the reason we have Twitter. mention and 'happy birthday' is enough.but if i had to, and in Asia it means courtesy, it becomes STBXH's business to.the card always said 'from Mr.Stopandmakecoffe & family'. his name, not mine.

- chat/message is fine. talk about random things.politics,sport, funny memes, movies.they're friends, we share the same interests.as long the interest is not to each other.most of my friends work in the same field, that means working in front of the PC like 10-12 hrs a day.you got bored. so you chat. after 5 mins of chatting&coffee, you go back to work. no one's angry because the other one's saying 'TTYL.busy' or 'BRB'

- no physical contact like holding hands or kiss. i wouldn't , i wont. my friends don't suit my type for a partner, both physical and emotional. hence, they stay as friends for years without growing any interest in me and vice versa.

- never owe money to a friend. yes during this terrible time i receive so many offers.they want to help.but i say no. it's a slippery slope. i better go run back to my mama.

i guess every person is different, and so are they rules.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

"For men and women generally, I think that the one-on-one stuff is the dangerous area and, really, why does a married man or woman need to be alone with an opposite sex friend? I can't think of any good reason. If someone is having troubles, by all means seek help, but from your own gender, or from a pastor, or a family member. "

The occasions when I have been one on one with an opposite sex friend have been:

1. My best friend got married on a Caribbean island. Wife and I went. The children being very small, my wife dashed back home straight after. It being very much cheaper for me to stay full week, I did (airfares). An old female friend was also staying for the week. We met up for lunch and dinner. We could have eaten separately, i do not doubt, but that would have been rather unfriendly. We were fifteen years into our marriage and wife knew in advance this was likely to happen, was entirely comfortable with it.

2. I love Greek tragedy, my wife hates it (it gives her nightmares). When my daughters were much younger, there were a series of Greek tragedies produced in our town. I wanted to go, wife did not. She suggested I go with another old female friend who we knew was interested in Greek drama. I could have gone alone but I enjoy theatre less on my own and it was nice for our friend. 

Now my daughters are older I would probably go with one of them.

So, I agree that this is not something normally to be encouraged but there are occasions when it makes sense.
I am sure the marriage has to be strong first, though. If not, then it would be dangerous.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Our boundaries are rather simple: we both have OS friends. One of my best friends is a guy I know who lives in Texas. My husband and I have both had situations in the past that lead to us getting to know a lot of people of the OS. My husband was on an all-star cheer team in high school, and then on a nationally renown collegiate cheer team in Texas, so he knows a lot of girls. Many of them are friends. 

My brother is in the military, so I know a few guys from his days in the DEP program. I also took/take swing dance classes and know a fair amount of guys. Considering my husbands interests in cheer and my interests in dance, it's unrealistic to expect that we're never going to have friends of the opposite sex. Our boundaries, however, are that, as long as things don't cross the line we've set for ourselves, then the friendships are fine. We don't go have lunch alone with a member of the opposite sex. But we'll text now and then, or get together in groups, etc.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

I wish my husband and I had set boundaries for this, but we never did.

He likes attention and seeks it out, and socializes and works with other people who constantly seek attention (actors). I asked him a while back not to leave XO<3's on women's Facebook pages, he probably stopped for a while but then started up again.

He has one female friend he's known for years who I cannot stand. He knows I can't stand her but would never end the friendship (not that I specifically asked him to). All he said was, "thats' ok, you don't have to like all my friends." He also confides our issues to her, and I have now asked him to please not talk to friends about our marital problems.

He's also gone out for drinks or dinner with female friends, including ex-girlfriends, several times on his own. I don't think he ever asked me if I was okay with it. I didn't object because then I become the jealous wife.

I think any boundaries I asked for I would just be made to feel paranoid and unreasonable. 

I don't think I realized how unhappy I was with all of this until I read this thread.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Me & my husband has never had a discussion about our friendship boundaries in all of our years.... when I came to this forum (at that time 19 yrs together)... I seen so many threads on this, I realized it IS a huge problem for many marriages...

With us, we have always just been so darn awful transparent with each other, it's just never been an issue... 

When we met, his friends became my friends.... my friends/ his friends. We do nearly everything together anyway... He wouldn't care if I talked to one of our guy friends on the phone - he wouldn't care if they were my FB friends either, which many are....and I have always felt the same with him. Freedom in this area. 

If one of us runs into a friend, or had a FB chat, we just share all the details...we ENJOY that. It's always been our way. 

There is like some internal law written on my heart ... I would KNOW I was doing something wrong - if I went over a certain boundary with another.... this would bother my conscience...as I don't feel I could do anything to trample what we have....It's important to take everything to our partners at the "Seed" stage - so if something is missing in the marriage, you work that out together hand in hand...honesty at every turn....so we're not tempted to get any "emotional" fulfillment from another - a Opposite sex friend. 

There is nothing I can't talk to my husband about, or anything he can't bring to me, this causes us to be even closer... having that freedom. 

Everyone is capable of being attracted to the opposite sex, being married doesn't cancel this out..


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