# What to do with jealousy..was I wrong?



## bsteel (Jul 4, 2010)

I am 65 and have been married 40 years and retired 10. During those 10 years I joined and anxiety forum and chatted with various members. One was particularly interesting and I began talking with him more than others. In a month or so he suggested that I call him, which I did four to six times, talking about anxiety, our lives etc.....nothing of the sexual variety. I knew because of my husband's constant jealousy that he would not understand, but of course he found the email and read them. Although personal at times, never sexual because it was not on either one of our agendas.
That was three years ago. I apologized, stopped talking on the forum, stopped talking in any was with the man, but three years later, my husband still used it to beat me with a verbal stick almost daily and because it is so far in the past and I did everything I could at the time, I'm helpless to come back. It is making me a nervous wreck.
I would divorce him if I wasn't the type of person I am and he is dealing with a heart problems, but I don't know how much longer my body can handle it. I am on valium but does little and each time he brings it up, I die a little. My love for him has dwindled to caring, but I can't leave him sick with no place to go. Any ideas?
b


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Why are you listening to him? 

Tell him enough is enough, validate him first by saying "I know you were upset, and I can understand." Then tell him very clearly that it was years ago and it's time to quit beating a dead horse (Or is that dog?).

Then, do what you say you are going to do. If he brings it up again, don't say a word. Leave the room, even if only for fifteen minutes. Go for a walk, take a bath, do whatever you want. DON'T let him see that it bothers you at all, just leave and come back - if he brings it up again, leave again. If you can't leave, just look at him and say "Really?" and then change the subject. Have some subjects in mind - not to argue, but to distract from the obvious.

At first expect him to try to dig in deeper in his effort to get under your skin about this as it's been working so well for three years now. But stand your ground. Eventually he'll realize that it's a done deal and he'll find something else to bother you about.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Exactly what I was going to say. Tell him that you don't deserve to be talked to like that and if he contiinues you will LEAVE the room, the house, or the marriage, depending on the level of torment he puts out. Be VERY blunt. "Stop, or I am leaving."


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## bsteel (Jul 4, 2010)

Thanks for the input. I do appreciate it. I have tried all of it, leaving the house, even talking about divorce, but we've been together so long, and with him ill, I just can't leave. The problem is, because of his past, I am the ONLY person he loves and this harmless communication with a male is like an A bomb in his head and I can't convince him it was nothing. He thinks I want to be with this person who is 15 years younger than me, I've never seen nor want to ,etc. I can't get him to listen to me and it is beginning to effect me physically very negatively. Having no family near doesn't help. He's even jealous of my love for my siblings. What a mess. I think I'm just going to have to hand in on meds and hopefully somewhere in the future get on with my life. Thanks again for your input. It's nice to know others have problems, some even worse than mine.
b


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Look. You can either ACCEPT how he treats you, or NOT accept how he treats you. It is YOUR choice. You can't make him change. You CAN not BE there for his treatment. If it takes moving into a hotel room for a week, so be it. At least you would have time to get yourself back in shape. Go read some books by Patricia Evans, and see if you recognize yourself. It may help.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

It sounds like he's basically an ******* to everyone and you're the only one willing to tolerate him.

The truth of the matter is that you are in control of this relationship because he is dependant on you and you are the stronger partner.

You clearly want to divorce him. Why not just decide on what you find acceptable minimums of his behavior to put up with, spell them out clearly to him, and if he cannot meet them, divorce him.

And why don't you rejoin that forum again too.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You know if you feel guilty, you can always set up a trust fund so that he always has medical care as he needs it.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

He'll never change, accept it and be miserable, I think 3 years qualifies as enough time to let go of a grudge, or leave and feel guilty but be happy, guilt goes away faster than happiness:smthumbup:


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

YouTube - Jealousy

u could sing about it, might help.


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