# Guy asking: Have you been REALLY angry while separated?



## desperateguy (Mar 8, 2012)

My wife (37) and I (39) married 16 years ago. We were both immature. That started some bad dynamics we never recovered from. Through all this we have been very best friends, but as partners it's been very strained, and gotten worse in the last 5 years. We have 2 kids, 6 and 8yo.

Strain was lots of problems. No one huge thing (no drugs, violence, etc). But still great friends.We agreed to a 6 month trial seperation. We had a plan: a few weeks break, then catch up once a week, and slowly work on things. We were still great friends, and supporting each other through the pain leading up to separating. I moved out 6 weeks ago, have the kids on the weekend. 

The plan lasted 24 hours. I've been finding it hard as expected, but dealing. She has gone crazy. She registered on a dating site 24 hours after I moved out, is dating several guys at once, and refuses to speak to me about ANYTHING except the kids. She is spending money like crazy on frivilous stuff (money she doesn't have), but isn't paying the rent, etc. She is basically living of pure raw negative emotions, no rationality. Her parents are super concerned about her as am I. This is NOT her. She is very sweet, has a lot of integrity and morals, and not scheming or malicious. It's purely anger acting out. 

She is incredibly angry with me, blaming me for 100% of the marital problems, and right now is in limbo but hinting at divorce. She is very emotional so that could be transient. She said she loved me, and meant it, just a week before we separated, and said she never wanted to divorce. 

I've made huge progress in improving myself, she's using that against me - "why didn't you exercise before?", etc etc. The whole point of the seperation was to have time apart to sort out our personal issues. Yes, I screwed up a lot, as did she.

One advice a few people have given me is to maintain a constant presence in her life, just remind her I'm still there for her and ready to reconcile. This will piss her off as now she wants NOTHING to do with me. They say to do it in spite of that. How do I do this given how super-sensitive she is?

I literally feel like I am dying. I can't work, sleep, anything. 

How can I maintain a presence in her life when she literally doesn't even want to LOOK at me? When saying "you look nice" results in her flaming me by email? Were you super angry with your H/XH? What could I do? I love her more than life itself.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Are you working together in counselling? It might be a safe place where you can sit down and talk about these things without the fighting and anger. Would she not agree to that?

You have two children here who need to have the rent paid and hopefully mum isn't out dating multiple guys whilst she has them and it's affecting them. If you love her, tell her that. She needs to calm down and commit to working together, through counselling to figure out a way out of this mess. The children are an important factor and try to keep them out of this as much as possible.

If she rants and raves and tells you where to go, there's not a lot you can do right now. If she won't come to the party you can't make her. Let her know you want things to work out but you won't wait forever. A seperation is always a gateway for these things and if she's running around with other guys - regardless of the reasoning - don't stand for it. She's in, or she's out.

Try not to panic, you are working on yourself too so keep doing that, move forward and detach a little. Spend quality time with your children. Being on your own after can be extremely daunting and lonely. Make sure you don't go chasing after your wife and forgetting the problems just to fill the void. I hope you can make it to counselling, and I wish you the best in whatever the outcome is. This site is great for support so stick around and you'll find a lot of people who understand.


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## desperateguy (Mar 8, 2012)

She doesn't even want to look at me - literally. Counseling is out of the question. I could FORCE her to go through various means, but that could do more harm than good. I think?

I'm not hiding anything, I'm really not a terrible person. Yes, I screwed up stuff but there's nothing that deserves this level of vitriol.

She went out and spent about $500 on a tattoo but missed the rent payment. There's been multiple instances like that in the last 6 weeks since she left. She is living on a tight budget. She doesn't have $500 to spare (must less around $2,000 which is my estimate on how much she has frittered in 6 weeks). Probably barely has $50 to spare. She locked me out of one of our savings accounts, I suspect she's milking that to live on although I'm not sure. Unfortunately there's a fair bit in there. 

Pretty sure she's not dating while she has the kids (although I believe she's sexting while she has them), but her behavior is affecting the kids. As time goes on they are more and more happy to see me on Friday, and behaving worse and worse with her during the week. That says a lot. It's not bad enough at the moment for me to take action for the kids sake, but I'm keeping a close eye on it.

I know I shouldn't stand for it, but what can I do about it? I want her back. She's acting out of emotion, not malice. She WILL regret it herself when she comes down from her anger, she may have troubles forgiving herself. I don't know. I can't throw away 17 years and 2 kids because of 2 months of emotional reaction, albeit an extreme one. Can I? 

I'm doing heaps of work on myself. I sent her an email with a very thoughtfully written list of stuff I was doing and how it would help our relationship (I had female friends proof read it, one said "she would cry tears of joy to get an email like that"). Wife deleted it.

What could make her go from loving me to wanting me dead in 2 weeks? Will she come around? What can I do? I'm looking after myself best I can, my counselor and my friends say I'm doing a great job. But I'm dying on the inside.


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello,

The negativity you are seeing has not materialized out of nothing. You are likely seeing a woman who's emotional needs have gone unfulfilled for a very long time. 

Usually with women this involves the lack of affection and emotional empathy and support. Please keep in mind that most men in this situation have no idea of the magnitude of the problem as they figure they are supportive and affectionate but they do so instinctively with the type of support they would want which does not transmit well to what a woman would want.

Chances are with this new freedom the guys she is dating are offering her the affection and support she was starved for. This sharp change in her emotional context likely drove her to an episode of hypo-mania. 

As to what you can do about it. You yourself not much as she is closed off to any meaningful interaction with you for the duration of the episode. The episode is finite in time so she will come back to something closer to normal, however if at that time she still wants anything to do with you is another story.

In her case she needs the services of a psychologist to diagnose if she is indeed in a manic state. If that is the case medication usually helps with the symptoms. 

I suggest you go to her parents since they are supportive, show them the online definition of hypo-mania and request their help to get her to a specialist to confirm.

I advise against letting the episode subside on it's own as this could lead to unwanted circumstances during the episode such as promiscuous and dangerous sexual activity, heavy debt and generally reckless behavior.

Expect a lot of anger and irascibility when dealing with her that is one of the symptoms.


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## desperateguy (Mar 8, 2012)

Thanks Alex. Perceptive. Yeah I did neglect her emotionally/in affection in some fairly large ways. There are some strong reasons for that, but reasons aren't excuses, and I 100% own up to and accept responsibility for my behavior. Despite the reasons, what I did was still wrong. 

I've spoken to her parents. They completely agree she's lost the plot. The problem is she is not at ALL receptive to getting a reality check - she's lying to all her friends so they won't tell her to get her act together. I've filled in her parents, but they need to tread very lightly. If they say "sort your life out and stop being stupid" she will ignore them and likely sever the relationship, so that's bad for everyone. So they are taking a very gentle approach. Basically she is on a path to self destruction and best I can tell, and pretty much everyone agrees, I just need to let her. Which hurts badly, but it is her choice, even though everyone agrees she will seriously regret it when her sanity returns.

She is seeing a psychologist, but also pretty sure she is lying (or withholding very important information) from the psychologist. So not sure how useful that is. I believe she's on some anti-depressants, but doubt they willl help much with hypo mania (if that is indeed what she has). I read up on it and I'm not 100% sure you are right, but it's certainly not far from it.

She's basically already clocking up debt and is on the road to promiscuous behavior. One problem is she doesn't WANT to change. She WANTS to do what she's doing. Makes it very hard for anyone to help her....


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

It seems that you are right, at this moment in time you can do nothing to help her. So you need to just focus on you and the kids for awhile. And like you said, if you feel your kids are getting caught up in her behaviour and really being affected, step in and take control of the situation. Regardless of the marriage, you are still their father and someone needs to have their best interests at heart.

I know it must be terrible to watch the woman you love acting out like this. She seems to ignore everybody who is trying to help her and is on a downward spiral. You can't force her to listen or get help, so stop trying to drain yourself emotionally to do it. She just may need to hit rock bottom first. Her behaviour does seem a little extreme and I would say she needs professional help. The only way I can think of for her to get it if she won't (in an extreme circumstance) is in a custody battle where you express your concerns and she is analysed (don't know how it works over there, my brother had to go through that with his ex).

I feel your pain through your post. Have you considered the possibility your marriage may not work out? I don't say this because I think that is going to happen, I just ask if you are mentally and emotionally prepared for all eventualities.

I truly hope you get that phone call soon when she has calmed down and wants to talk and you can begin to communicate properly. I really hope she doesn't end up doing something stupid in this state with one of these guys and/or money etc that results in a long term effect. If she does, know that it's her decisions. Are you concerned about her mental state, or do you see her behaviour more as lashing out and confused from the seperation?


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

desperateguy said:


> What could make her go from loving me to wanting me dead in 2 weeks?


My only guess would be when you discussed seperation she wasn't actually prepared for it to happen, and maybe thought you wouldn't go. So instead of being mentally prepared, she got very angry when you "left her" - forget reasoning - and began lashing out. I'm hoping the rage will subside soon. The problem with these things unfortunately is sometimes in that moment she may do something she might regret.

If she is spending all the money on tattoos and not rent, you need to address that. Be firm with her, don't keep being overly nice and accessible because that doesn't seem to be working. Maybe you need to change tact.


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## desperateguy (Mar 8, 2012)

Gratitude said:


> I know it must be terrible to watch the woman you love acting out like this. She seems to ignore everybody who is trying to help her and is on a downward spiral. You can't force her to listen or get help, so stop trying to drain yourself emotionally to do it. She just may need to hit rock bottom first. Her behaviour does seem a little extreme and I would say she needs professional help. The only way I can think of for her to get it if she won't (in an extreme circumstance) is in a custody battle where you express your concerns and she is analysed (don't know how it works over there, my brother had to go through that with his ex).


Yep, agreed with all of the above. Oh and I'm not over there. In NSW here 

She is more or less looking after the kids. I've thought about this. She's not doing enough for me to argue a custody case. 



Gratitude said:


> I feel your pain through your post. Have you considered the possibility your marriage may not work out? I don't say this because I think that is going to happen, I just ask if you are mentally and emotionally prepared for all eventualities.


Yeah I have. I hate it, but I have. I'm basically living in hope and expectation that it will work, but being pragmatic and keeping that small corner in my mind - trying to ignore it but not dismiss it - that it might not. Right now I think it's more likely than not that she will come around in time (and that's not just speaking in hope, I do really honestly believe that), but I know there's still a significant chance it's over. It kills me but I do need to accept that as a real possibility. 



Gratitude said:


> I truly hope you get that phone call soon when she has calmed down and wants to talk and you can begin to communicate properly. I really hope she doesn't end up doing something stupid in this state with one of these guys and/or money etc that results in a long term effect. If she does, know that it's her decisions. Are you concerned about her mental state, or do you see her behaviour more as lashing out and confused from the seperation?


She's already done stupid stuff with money. Not sure where she's getting it from. Unfortunately if she has drained some savings she can probably last 6 months at this level of stupidity  The sooner she hits rock bottom the better as far as I'm concerned, but that may stall it. Unfortuantely I think stupid stuff with guys is near inevitable. Best I know she's done some semi-stupid stuff, but she could, and likely will, go further. 

I think it's mostly lashing out. I think there might be some mental issues, but primarily she's living as an animal - pure emotion and instinct, not rationality at all. It's sad. 



Gratitude said:


> My only guess would be when you discussed seperation she wasn't actually prepared for it to happen, and maybe thought you wouldn't go.


No, she knew it was real. No doubt at all. Just wasn't prepared emotionally I guess. 



Gratitude said:


> If she is spending all the money on tattoos and not rent, you need to address that. Be firm with her, don't keep being overly nice and accessible because that doesn't seem to be working. Maybe you need to change tact.


What can I do? It's her money. Sure, she'll run out, but it's still her money. I'm HOPING she runs out. She is unfortunately not great at linking actions with consequences. The faster she's burnt, the faster she learns. If she gets the power cut off, well, tough luck. She needs to learn. 

If it goes to divorce, then I'll argue that the money she has frittered comes off her split. If it reconciles, well, there's an interesting talk there that frankly I have no idea how to proceed with, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. 

Thanks for your support, appreciated.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Just off track a bit ... I am in WA back home now, we move around for my husbands work. We spent some years in Coffs Harbour. I see on the news more floods  I remember a few when we were there. Another aussie :smthumbup: Sorry for the circumstances that brought you here though.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

desperateguy said:


> What can I do? It's her money. Sure, she'll run out, but it's still her money. I'm HOPING she runs out. She is unfortunately not great at linking actions with consequences. The faster she's burnt, the faster she learns. If she gets the power cut off, well, tough luck. She needs to learn.
> 
> If it goes to divorce, then I'll argue that the money she has frittered comes off her split. If it reconciles, well, there's an interesting talk there that frankly I have no idea how to proceed with, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
> 
> Thanks for your support, appreciated.


I assume this savings account you can't get access to? If she runs out she'll probably end up at your door. Try to minimise the cash she has access to if it's a joint account.

Also these guys she's 'dating' - which seriously is not good being you only just seperated - do you know anything about them, and if it's serious? That could open up all sorts of complications. That must hurt.


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Very Important!

Anti depressants actually accentuate the symptoms of hypo-mania as the state is the opposite of depression. 

It is unsurprising that she does not want to address the issue. Most people in this state love it. It's the opposite of depression it's a manic high. 

I suggest you speak to a psychologist yourself describing the symptoms and ask for advice on how to approach her. This case is his specialty not ours.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

desperateguy said:


> She doesn't even want to look at me - literally. Counseling is out of the question. I could FORCE her to go through various means, but that could do more harm than good. I think?
> 
> I'm not hiding anything, I'm really not a terrible person. Yes, I screwed up stuff but there's nothing that deserves this level of vitriol.
> 
> ...


First off, see a lawyer and know your rights and options. Does not mean filing for divorce, but you need to protect yourself and your kids because it does not sound like she is. She should not be able to lock you out of your savings. In addition, what kinds of credit cards is she getting and using? You may be liable for that, so figure out how to protect yourself in the event that things really go wrong. Also, are you still on the lease of the place she is living (and not paying rent)? If so, you are on the hook for that money.

You also need to figure out what you want. You say she is on dating sites and dating several different guys right now. Seems like that is contrary to your agreement. If so, what do want to do about that. I think you need to assume that she has had sex with one or more of them. How does that change things for you?

In my mind, dating others is not consistent with working on herself or your marriage. I think you need to take strong steps to make clear your boundaries. You can't control her, but you can control what you will do if she crosses those boundaries.


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## desperateguy (Mar 8, 2012)

Gratitude said:


> I assume this savings account you can't get access to? If she runs out she'll probably end up at your door. Try to minimise the cash she has access to if it's a joint account.
> 
> Also these guys she's 'dating' - which seriously is not good being you only just seperated - do you know anything about them, and if it's serious? That could open up all sorts of complications. That must hurt.


The savings account is in her name so I'm pretty limited in my options. I have some but don't want to discuss in a public forum. 
It's far from all our savings. 

The guys... yeah, it's pretty screwed. She started in 24 hours but denies it's an emotional reaction. I think the hypomania diagnosis might be right.

She's "in love with and ready to marry" one of them, I think she's only met him once! Shows how flipped she is. Fairly sure she hasn't had sex yet, but I realise it's fairly inevitable. Yes, it hurts. But to be honest, what hurts more is that I know she is hurting herself. If sleeping with guys would genuinely help her process, I would buy the condoms for her. But obviously it doesn't help anything, not at this stage, just does harm.

Unfortunately, she is very pretty and quite charming, so all the guys are falling over themselves for her, which is pumping her ego even more. Given I did emotionally neglect her in many ways over the last few years it's just more fuel to her fire. 

I have had a brief discussion with a lawyer, and I THINK I'm ok, but I am increasingly thinking I might need to have a more thorough one.


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## itgetsbetter (Mar 1, 2012)

She may be in a lot of pain too, and this could be her way of self medicating. I dated a lot of guys and did some crazy and dangerous stuff after my ex and I separated. I just couldn't accept my life had imploded so badly, and getting lost in men and drinks and craziness made me feel better somehow. I guess it stopped me from focusing on what was left of my life, and let me just be the "good time girl" instead. Has your wife ever used sex as a mean of self-medicating her in life? I have somewhat of a history of it, but most people in my life had never known. I think seeing "the way I acted" freaked them out. I hope she sees her way out of it soon...especially if she plans to keep her children emotionally healthy. You can only hide this kind of thing so long. 

BEST wishes to you.


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## desperateguy (Mar 8, 2012)

Yes, I suspect there's truth in your "self medicating" comment and "life imploded so badly". 

That's one of the worst parts of it. She's never been with anyone except me. As a person, she has a very high personal moral code (not saying anything about you here, no rights/wrongs/judgements) so she will almost certainly seriously regret this when she "comes down". I know I might have a mess to clean up. It sucks. 

She's using all sorts of rationalisations, but ultimately, that she isn't telling any of her normal friends (who in general have a similar moral code to her) and is in fact going out of her way to avoid them and in some cases lying to them, says a lot about what is going on for her. They all know it's not her, and even if sleeping around WAS the right thing, 2 weeks after separating from a 16 year marriage is NOT the time to be making that decision. 

So what happened to you? Did you come down?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

desperateguy said:


> The savings account is in her name so I'm pretty limited in my options. I have some but don't want to discuss in a public forum.
> It's far from all our savings.
> 
> The guys... yeah, it's pretty screwed. She started in 24 hours but denies it's an emotional reaction. I think the hypomania diagnosis might be right.
> ...


You do need a more thorough consultation. You have the potential to be on the hook for a lot of money that she is spending on other guys. Protect yourself (and by extension your kids).

You also need to face the reality that you don't know what she is doing. She goes out of her own, and you don't know when she is coming back. Be certain that she is not telling you or anyone else the truth. 

You also really need to think about the statement above in bold. Are you really willing to let her sleep around, while married to you, to "help" her and her marriage? Why don't you deserve better than that, as a man and a husband? I love my wife but there are no conditions where I would ever help her sleep with someone else. I deserve better, and would give her a divorce if that is what she needed, so that I could find happiness for myself. You may have some issues her that you need to work on as well.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

desperateguy said:


> She's using all sorts of rationalisations, but ultimately, that she isn't telling any of her normal friends (who in general have a similar moral code to her) and is in fact going out of her way to avoid them and in some cases lying to them, says a lot about what is going on for her. They all know it's not her, and even if sleeping around WAS the right thing, 2 weeks after separating from a 16 year marriage is NOT the time to be making that decision.


Have you told these friends or family of hers what she is doing? One of them may be able to reach her in a way that you cannot.


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## desperateguy (Mar 8, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Are you really willing to let her sleep around, while married to you, to "help" her and her marriage? Why don't you deserve better than that, as a man and a husband? I love my wife but there are no conditions where I would ever help her sleep with someone else. I deserve better, and would give her a divorce if that is what she needed, so that I could find happiness for myself. You may have some issues her that you need to work on as well.


It's a tough one. I take your point. Yes I have issues. We all do. Nothing excuses what she is (probably) doing. But then I need to look at the bigger picture. Is it worth throwing away 16 years and living with my two kids because she has an extreme emotional reaction? (and I married her knowing she was emotional). I honestly don't know. Maybe that does say stuff about me. I have spoken to a few people about this. I think it comes down to individual believes, values, and a bunch of things I probably can't think of. Or maybe I am just being stupid. Although some others don't think so. Doesn't mean you are wrong either!


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> You do need a more thorough consultation. You have the potential to be on the hook for a lot of money that she is spending on other guys. Protect yourself (and by extension your kids).
> 
> You also need to face the reality that you don't know what she is doing. She goes out of her own, and you don't know when she is coming back. Be certain that she is not telling you or anyone else the truth.
> 
> You also really need to think about the statement above in bold. Are you really willing to let her sleep around, while married to you, to "help" her and her marriage? Why don't you deserve better than that, as a man and a husband? I love my wife but there are no conditions where I would ever help her sleep with someone else. I deserve better, and would give her a divorce if that is what she needed, so that I could find happiness for myself. You may have some issues her that you need to work on as well.


:iagree:

I know you may not want to think about this, but it's very good advice. You should never tolerate your wife sleeping with any guys. It shows a complete lack of respect for you, whatever her reasons, whatever the circumstances. You're waiting for her to come around, but does she deserve it? Don't you deserve better? Don't set yourself up to be a doormat.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I say spend MORE time with your kids. If you reconcile with her, she will see that as a strength. Either way, with the way Mom is behaving...the kids need one SANE parent.


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## desperateguy (Mar 8, 2012)

SunnyT said:


> I say spend MORE time with your kids. If you reconcile with her, she will see that as a strength. Either way, with the way Mom is behaving...the kids need one SANE parent.


I'd considered this, and not dismissed it. But I am struggling with it as well. I never understood why so many guys only spent every second weekend with their kids. Now I get it.

I work fairly long hours during the week. Kids arrive 6pm Friday and leave about 2:30 Sunday. So where is my time off? My "weekend" is Sunday evening. Friday and Saturday nights, the peak social nights, are tricky.

But I am considering options. And the kids are being affected by her behaviour. Not badly, but they are definitely reacting negatively to her.

Maybe I am being a doormat, I don't know. I certainly don't like it. But I just can't give up on this relationship this easily.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

The children may not act out with you because they do not feel safe enough to do so--do not assume that the way their behavior is deteriorating has anything to do with her dating. Kids will act out when parents separate and they are most likely to do so with the parent they trust the most not to reject them for it. Get them into counseling, no matter what happens between you and your wife, because if your assumption is to blame her for your kids's normal challenges, they are going to have a rough time of it. Also, think about having them 50/50--even if it means career sacrifices. They will get to know and trust you better if you play a bigger role in taking care of them. 

Good luck.


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## desperateguy (Mar 8, 2012)

sisters359 said:


> The children may not act out with you because they do not feel safe enough to do so--do not assume that the way their behavior is deteriorating has anything to do with her dating. Kids will act out when parents separate and they are most likely to do so with the parent they trust the most not to reject them for it. Get them into counseling, no matter what happens between you and your wife, because if your assumption is to blame her for your kids's normal challenges, they are going to have a rough time of it. Also, think about having them 50/50--even if it means career sacrifices. They will get to know and trust you better if you play a bigger role in taking care of them.
> 
> Good luck.


Hmmm, it's interesting advice, not something I'd considered. I don't believe this is the case here - I think they trust me fine (obviously I'm not terribly impartial). They are VERY happy to see me on Friday. I've been going out of my way to be supportive and open, but not be a pushover parent as well. I don't want daddy's house to be the "fun party house". That might work short term but isn't a good long term plan for anyone. They are confused. I think they are seeing a counselor soon via school. 

The only thing I can think is they are subconsciously picking up on my wife's instability. Best I can tell from the bits and pieces I can pick up their routine is more or less the same as it was when I was there. 

My son in particular doesn't understand "why mummy won't talk to daddy". He thinks it's strange. Also they were promised stuff at the time of separation my wife and I had agreed to (eg the four of us having dinner once a week, etc) which haven't eventuated, when asked I just say "your mum doesn't want that anymore". I don't want to blame her or make her the bad cop, but I don't also want to lie to them. It's REALLY tough to know where to draw the line. I'm certainly not wanting to poison them against her, but I do want them to know what's going on. The problem is with kids, what level of truth are they ready for, and is appropriate? It's tricky.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

desperateguy said:


> It's a tough one. I take your point. Yes I have issues. We all do. Nothing excuses what she is (probably) doing. But then I need to look at the bigger picture. Is it worth throwing away 16 years and living with my two kids because she has an extreme emotional reaction? (and I married her knowing she was emotional). I honestly don't know. Maybe that does say stuff about me. I have spoken to a few people about this. I think it comes down to individual believes, values, and a bunch of things I probably can't think of. Or maybe I am just being stupid. Although some others don't think so. Doesn't mean you are wrong either!


Why isn't the real question "is it worth it to her to throw away 16 years and a happpy family so that she can act out and get some strange?" 

Seriously, she is an adult who is now making bad choices. She has choosen to separate, she has chosen to start dating, she has chosen to physically meet at least one of them, she has chosen to break off contact with you, she has chosen to spend money on herself rather than her children. Being emotional does not give her an excuse to be selfish at the expense of you and her kids. 

Two honest questions: 

1. What would her response be if you were the one acting like this?

2. If you did that to her, and then she just took you back after letting you get it out of your system, how much respect would you have for her?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

desperateguy said:


> I work fairly long hours during the week. Kids arrive 6pm Friday and leave about 2:30 Sunday. So where is my time off? My "weekend" is Sunday evening. Friday and Saturday nights, the peak social nights, are tricky.


Seriously consider getting this changed. Right now, you are the babysitter allows her to have her kids during the weekday ands till party on the weekends. In essence, you are enabling her to continue to live her lifestyle with little or no short term cost.

Make her lifestyle inconvenient, such as by making her responsible for the kids on some weekends, forcing her to get other child care arrangements or not giving her money. This may help wake her up or make her face others (her parents or friends) that she goes to for assistance. Hopefully, these people are friends of your marriage and will speak to her about her behavior.

It is a difficult line to draw between getting time with your kids and not unabling her behavior. I don't pretend know where or how best to draw it or how best to protect your kids. But do consider that short term discomfort for them may be better in the long haul if it snaps her out of it and saves your marriage (I liken it to setting a broken arm - a necessary pain to heal).


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## The Lonely Stoner (Aug 3, 2013)

RDL said:


> Hello,
> 
> The negativity you are seeing has not materialized out of nothing. You are likely seeing a woman who's emotional needs have gone unfulfilled for a very long time.
> 
> ...


All of the above is true. A new man can always give your wife the type of energy you can't. Even if she turns down the first few men, she will still realize that she enjoyed the attention. But she turns it down because she feels it would be wrong. 


But there will be a time when she is mad at about you about something. If a desirable man makes a move on her then she will justify hooking up with him because you "did" her wrong (it is crap, but true) and your marriage is over just like that. 

A woman who is out in the workplace is a constant target. If she is not filled with the Holy Spirit then she will be filled with other men sooner or later. It is easier for a wayward woman to run and hide from her mistakes (taught to her as a child) and start a new relationship in which she falsely thinks she can bury the past and ride off in the sunset with her new man.

But no. That us unlikely. Those same problems will start to surface in the new relationship soon. 

Specifically speaking, I watched my wife destroy relationship after relationship during our time together. From old friends, to family and church members. I tried to tell her that I felt she could handle things differently. But she refused and eventually alienated every person she knew.

When it came time to handle our "relationship" problems (ie her wanting to quit our marriage), she treated me the same way she had them. It was really painful to live through. Everything I warned her against in her dealings with people she ended up using on me. 

A year later, I have a much better understanding of the mechanisms at work in a woman's head. It's scary stuff. Men tend to think marriage is a culmination event. But there is NO time to relax. Your wife's needs are constantly evolving and changing. She is a FULL-TIME job in and of herself. Especially one with mental or emotional problems. If you have any children the problems become magnified. I still don't know what really started the demise of our marriage. But I do understand why it crumbled. And I can take that valuable knowledge with me anywhere I go. 

My wife has shown no outward signs of remorse, guilt or sympathy. She has been nothing but angry & dismissive the whole time. The devil has a firm grip on her soul. I am hopeful that she gets herself together. I miss her everyday but she ended it and I must move along and try to salvage myself and my frame of mind. I wasn't trying to be away from my family at all. But losing your wife means losing your family by default.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

she wanted the separation to get some strange. separation is never a good idea if you want to stay married. She has chosen to bail, I suggest you lawyer up and give her freedom, so you can regain your sanity.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Maybe some other options...
Read MMSLP
Sign up on dating site. 
Ask her out on a date
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

I agree with Q tip. If she's dating so should you. You might meet a woman that will help you answer your question about whether "throwing away" 16years is worth it. My guess is you can meet a woman that does not have the emotional problems your wife does. Then it will take you about 10 seconds to decide to throw those years away, and no one will blame you.


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