# Patterns of attraction...



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Been doing some self-reflection, and I actually wonder... why has every single 1 month plus relationship I had, was with a psycho woman. They always had a few screws loose, my first was insanely violent, the second was ticked off with society, the third was a strong-woman wannabe, the fourth and firth together were more rather 'f--kbuddies-with-issues', the sixth was just utterly strange, the seventh was incredibly insecure and possessive, the eighth is a stubborn-confused-nymphomaniac, and the ninth (during one of the breakups with the eighth before marriage) had a recognised psycho disorder.

I obviously chose number 8 out of those longer-term relationships (1 month plus, not short-term f--kbuddies)... yet, she's as psycho as the rest, if not more so as she's also smart - madness and genius two sides of the same coin.

The question is... why? Is it because I get bored easily and enjoy "interesting" company? Has my first girlfriend paved the way for future relationships as a psycho lady herself? Or am I also... simply psycho? :scratchhead:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Because you like the drama? You like feeling like you are "helping" them?

Were you raised in chaos? It took a long time for me to settle down with someone "normal"...but looks like even my beloved has deep issues  Life is funny like that.

But as far as "psycho" goes...maybe you just like the "fun" of it all.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Because you like the drama?


Perhaps, I do get bored with "normal" =/



> You like feeling like you are "helping" them?


LOL aye in a way, but at the same time I dread helping them! Like present!



> Were you raised in chaos?


Hmmm, actually yes, was raised on the streets lol
Guess I couldn't really relate to "normal" girls, I never grew up the way they did, my experiences were rather psycho themselves.
Maybe that's it? =O Heh

But isn't this a mind thing?
At the same time I only felt emotional connections to very few, made me rather picky in the past. I only seem to go for women with issues... what gives?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Look to your childhood. It's either drama, chaos, a need to rescue damsels in distress, but there is definately a pattern.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You get scared of "normal" or balanced.

I was there many years ago. lol. I have had my 'bad boys'.

Maybe you, yourself, feel a little out of control so you think why would you 'eff up' a normal chick?

Lolll normal IS boring. But it's a "boredom" that I LOVE now


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I grew up in chaos so I dated nothing but bad boys for years. Wasn't until I saw my own pattern that I made a conscious decision to date (and marry) the nicest most boring guy I could find.

Like that girl I like boredom now. Very soothing, predicatable, calm and peaceful.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> I grew up in chaos so I dated nothing but bad boys for years. Wasn't until I saw my own pattern that I made a conscious decision to date (and marry) the nicest most boring guy I could find.
> 
> Like that girl I like boredom now. Very soothing, predicatable, calm and peaceful.


YES IT IS. It's just what I needed. :smthumbup: However, he is a bad boy in many ways  he's kinky, rides motorcycles, has tats, and loves death metal. So..bad boy, but nice. Perfect.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, the missus most definitely challenges me, no one not even my first could engage me the way she does, does my head in she does! Hell do I like pain? Heh

And yeah, I've always been a "bad boy", but I never thought I would eff up a normal chick, I just didn't see anything in them for long term potential.

The curious thing about the missus is that she's a 'good chick/bad girl' packaged in one with both extremes. One side she's very principled and strong, other side she's manipulative and insatiable. Yet, I fell in love...

My mates once always gave me sh-t:
"You won't fall for someone unless she can kick your a-- in a fight"
"Is she psycho enough for ya? You psycho ----!"

Yet I don't know, perhaps it's a rather unhealthy way to live and date. Perhaps self-destructive... guess I got lucky (I hope), but what if I didn't meet my wife, I wonder what would have happened.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

That's heady stuff and fun for a while. Eventually though you grow up and it's not so fun anymore. That's where you are. Realizing that those challenges aren't so great on a day to day basis. At some point you need rest both emotionally and physically. And sadly she doesn't see that.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, I don't want a challenge anymore.

I want someone healthy and stable.

HOWEVER! I have to get there first myself  It will be ok.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> That's heady stuff and fun for a while. Eventually though you grow up and it's not so fun anymore. That's where you are. Realizing that those challenges aren't so great on a day to day basis. At some point you need rest both emotionally and physically. And sadly she doesn't see that.


I agree. Its all fun and exciting until its draining and exhausting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Apparently, you are attracted to these women or you wouldn't ask them out. I'd probably run for the hills after one date with one of them. Being bored with normal is something that is interesting to me, because I am the complete opposite. I like zero drama in my life. I like to wake up to a sunny day, go to work, come in, relax, etc.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

RD, reckon you have poor personal boundaries and that’s why you take abuse that others wouldn’t. Life/marriage is not all about patience and tolerance, empathy and compassion although they are very fine qualities in a person. But without a mixture of intolerance of certain behaviours then the abuse just goes on and on. In essence it’s what we don’t tolerate that defines who we are in “concrete” terms. We save ourselves from abuse where others cannot save us with our boundaries of intolerance, our N.U.T.s. And people come to know us by our N.U.T.s. as in “He would never for one second tolerate that”.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I don't know... but yes the missus is actually literally a... NUTCRACKER!

Nonetheless I guess I have given her a lot of freedom only to have to clamp down on some from time to time, she exploits any weakness I have. Also, for a man being intolerant of getting raped 3-4x a day however is equivalent in today's society that he is an "unappreciative lucky bastard"... sad really.

The N.U.T.S. I have enforced are not trampled on, the missus realised this last year when it comes to her trying to get me to bend knee and threw an army at me (literally; our friends, family, counsellors, all on her side). I stood my ground. Sex however, is a different issue. It wasn't until now that I'm protecting my ballsacs (literally this time too).

I just find a strange that if I actually met someone who is a normal good girl, I'm not attracted. If they are nuts or psycho however, I go "hmmmm, interesting"... what gives? :scratchhead: If I do break with the missus, it could be a sign this pattern has to break.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Has my first girlfriend paved the way for future relationships as a psycho lady herself? Or am I also... simply psycho? :scratchhead:


Probably "Mommy Issues". It would explain why you picked your first girlfriend.

Someone once said that you become involved with those who will push your buttons... so you can discover and work to improve those "buttons". 

I think it's accurate in a psychological sense.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You're addicted to chaos.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> Wasn't until I saw my own pattern that I made a conscious decision to date (and marry) the nicest most boring guy I could find.
> 
> Like that girl I like boredom now. Very soothing, predicatable, calm and peaceful.


I love this. 



RandomDude said:


> I just find a strange that if I actually met someone who is a normal good girl, I'm not attracted. If they are nuts or psycho however, I go "hmmmm, interesting"... what gives? :scratchhead:


You are addicted to drama. You probably need chaos and turmoil to feel good on some level, even if it's adversely affecting you. Perhaps you thrive on it, or you feel you need that edge in order for your life to feel "normal." The thing is, it isn't normal and it's very unhealthy. I agree with the other poster who said it sounds like you have poor boundaries which is why you have let your wife walk all over you and treat you the way she has, letting all of her needs get met while you suffer. It's toxic.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Heh still I got married to a psycho. Nonetheless I'm lucky she has some sane parts to her. As for my tolerance for abuse, it's just the sex, I didn't expect to have to enforce boundaries in this manner. I never expected her to turn out to be a selfish nympho.

Her spoiled behaviour last year however and previously due to lack of boundaries though, was a different matter, and I was definitely simply too nice. Once she showed her bad side of trying to get me to bend knee I clamped down a lot - hurt her yet made her realise there's a limit of how far I can be pushed. Yet she still seems to ride around my fortress for a ***** in the wall. Difficult to handle at times.

But yes... I somehow ironically prefer this to having a nice boring good girl. I also seem to be able to be more empathic to psycho women, yet I can't even relate to good girls. I kept ditching them in the past within days or weeks because they bored me lol. 

I don't know... However it has come the point in my life that I like the fun but when it's tedious like now (sex issue going on for YEARS), it definitely does get toxic. Some games are fun, others just hurt. We're now approaching our 30s too.

EDIT: Actually... come to think of it, looking back, a few good girls - were frightened of me being a man who came from the streets and all that. Some tried to mummy me though which I hated, don't like them trying to change who I am. A lot judged me, probably another reason why I kept going for psychos, because they unlike good girls - judged me for my present not my past.

Heh this self-reflection is interesting...


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Maybe that self-reflection is a road you want to go down in your IC... It seems to me that you and your wife have a pretty well established cycle of "fighting and fvcking". Sex is the band aid or the distraction for everything. Should she actually participate in therapy and work on resolving her issues, that dynamic is going to change dramatically and you're going to have to adapt to a lot less drama too. Either way, I really hope you guys get this stuff resolved before your daughter gets old enough to think that relationships are supposed to be like yours is....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I wonder if how you refer to a "good girl" is the same as Deej and I were talking about in another thread about "nice guys."

The jist was that nice guys aren't the same as doormats. People can be nice and not a doormat. So are youreferring to the doormats as "good girls?" Because they are different things... a woman who is healthy and stable and accountable --is that was a "good girl" is to you?



COGypsy said:


> Either way, I really hope you guys get this stuff resolved before your daughter gets old enough to think that relationships are supposed to be like yours is....



:iagree:


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Heh any "normal" girl is a good girl to me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok. So would it be safe to say you are not attracted to healthy, emotionally/mentally stable and mature women?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, the missus at first seemed healthy, emotionally/mentally stable, and mature -> with a history ("normal" people don't have histories like me or her lol), and a bit of an adventurous rebellious spirit, which I was attracted to - she was complex. But I guess I bit off more then I could chew however, she's more manipulative than I expected her to be. A real joy when she's on my side, a pain in the ass when she starts annoying me however.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Jellybeans said:


> Ok. So would it be safe to say you are not attracted to healthy, emotionally/mentally stable and mature women?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wait ... are you suggesting women like that exist? :FIREdevil:


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

^ :rofl:


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