# inequality in parenting



## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

I understand that mothers do a lot for their children and it seems to be widely accepted that dads aren't as involved even if they stay on the family. But I thought we were getting past that.

and yet I don't think my husband has once given our daughter a bath....I always do bedtime. I had to reinforce that her daddy loves her (when our daughter said "I love you" he said "thanks"...the next week our daughter said said"daddy doesn't miss me because daddy doesn't love me").
I know it is hard with him away at school. He came home for thanksgiving and we went to his parents and I played with out daughter as my husband fell asleep on the couch watching old movies.

I have said that it is like I am a single parent...he gets mad at me if I say that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

Temporarily, you really are like a single parent, but he could do things to be more involved.


----------



## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Skype - when he is away at school he can certainly still TRY to form a connection with her.

You don't get back these early years. Daddy is the first man a girl falls in love with - and the one she gauges all her future male relationships.

He needs to work on this. and THanks to I love you from your own child? 20 lashes with a wet noodle to him. A simple I love you too honey or whatever term of endearment he has for her!

Good Luck H30!


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Unique Username said:


> Skype - when he is away at school he can certainly still TRY to form a connection with her.
> 
> You don't get back these early years. Daddy is the first man a girl falls in love with - and the one she gauges all her future male relationships.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I can't remember my father ever so much as touching me, let alone kissing me or telling me that he loved me. Come to think of it, I can't even remember one kind word from him, so had no reason to believe that he so much as cared... 

Lots of men in my life paid for my father's indifference towards me, as I grew up believing that men didn't have feelings and treated them accordingly.

OP, your H needs to be made aware of how his attitude towards your daughter will impact on her.


----------



## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Cosmos said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Lots of men in my life paid for my father's indifference towards me, as I grew up believing that men didn't have feelings and treated them accordingly.
> 
> OP, your H needs to be made aware of how his attitude towards your daughter will impact on her.


Powerful and simply stated. Wish reading it would make a difference for my H, but he's mostly a wall.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

This father WOULD LOVE to have an equal share in parenting all his (5) kids but for lots of men (myself included) it is just not possible.

The reasons for it are many fold and vary from case to case but here are a few:

As the primary (previously sole) breadwinner I am at work at least 50 hours a week where as my wife is at home (1st as a SAHM now works from home).

When they were babies they were breast fed and I do not have the equipment for that task (though I did some night feeds that my wife had expressed).

With the girls once they got to 4-5 neither they nor I were comfortable with me bathing them / washing their hair.

When I was working shifts I did some off the "school runs" but now I leave for work before they wake and get home as they are eating their tea.

I do consider myself lucky that I see my children nearly every day and can help them with their homework, share their experiences (good and bad), spend time together but I know that they have more time / do more things with my wife.

It is just the way it is in many households.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

When my daughter was born, this was my dream of how I wanted our daddy/daughter relationship to turn out:












Yet this is how the dream has turned out:









>.<


So it takes a while to reach this:









In the end you shouldn't really push your husband to express his love language for your daughter according to yours; in other words, tell your daughter daddy loves her as he's working to provide for her, to get her gifts (or whatever love language he uses)


----------



## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

On of the big pet peeves I have is reading "once the child goes to school there is nothing much to do" - so NOT true.

There is homework, there is still bathing, there are sports and after school activities and then overnight trips, there is teaching how to navigate friendships, the change in the type of relationship with the opposite gender, there is fighting peer pressure with respect to your family's opinion on drugs (I seem to be in the growing minority that thinks pot is not a cure all for all diseases and a great coping strategy for life's problems) and your family's opinion on drugs, then there is homework again and dropping them off at daycare 7:30 to 6:00 does not address these issues.

There is A LOT for parents to do after the golden years of diapers and toddlerhood, and it is hard work and not fun. It requires sacrifice and patience and not everyone is cut out for it and not everyone choses to prioritize it.

With all the talk of infidelity about leading to divorce, there is a silent reason many share, and it is how the other parent was with the children.

As for dads, I have a friend who thinks she is a single parent because her husband works and travels and she does all the aforementioned tasks by herself. IT PISSES ME OFF.

No, you are far from a single parent, a single parent makes the money and has responsibility for *every single aspect *of the household including paying for shelter, food and clothing as well as providing love and emotional growth as well as tending to see the work of the child is done i.e. socialization and learning. There is no one even to run ideas past and get validation from when you make decisions.

That is why traditionally there was a division of labor, staying at home with the kids and giving them a bath when you are exhausted and getting them into bed and making sure their needs are met IS WORK, albeit rewarding work.

At a certain age, I was not comfortable with the dad of 2gals bathing them either Wiltshireman.

I get mad too H30, take on being the sole breadwinner and figuring out childcare when you can't take time off of work to meet the needs of the kids on vacation, THAT is a single parent.

Enjoy your husband and your children, both are precious.

And if you are a mom working and doing all the aforementioned things above, know there is a difference between employment to "supplement" the household income and have something for yourself and being solely responsible for the household income.

Look at each bath as a blessing, the time I spent "single parenting" while I was married was the happiest time of my life, I hope you can work things out.


----------



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I believe that a father's connection with his child deepens BECAUSE he spends time with the child -- reading stories, bedtime, bathing, going to the park, whatever. Especially time alone with the child, because mothers can tend to have the urge to control and mediate all the time with the child. 

Why is your husband in school so far away? Why can't he go to school closer to home or, alternatively, why can't you live closer to him? The very fact that he sees his child so little is going to lessen the bond between them.


----------

