# Should husband apologize?



## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Let's say that the following hypothetically unfolded:

Husband and Wife enjoy jumping out and scaring one another at random times. Husband jumps out and scares wife, who proceeds to be very scared and shouts, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** You for the next few minutes. Then wife goes into silent mode for the next day. Husband tries to conform wife, tell her he loves her, but is only met with silence.

Wife sleeps in different room that night and then accuses husband over text of cheating on her. Send some random photo from LinkedIn of a girl to husband on his 1000+ connections. Husband is speechless and tells wife there's nobody but her he wants in his life. 

Next day at night, Husband tries to talk to wife, but wife ignores him and puts her earbuds in while he is talking. Husband then says, "Stop acting like a spoiled rotten brat!" unplugs ear buds from phone and asks if they can talk. Wife puts ear buds back in and says wife doesn’t need Husband for anything. Husband walks away and says, stop acting like a B****. Wife proceeds to take ring off and throw it at him, and tell him she wants divorce. Wife blocks Husband on FB messenger.

Husband wasn't angry... just frustrated that Wife wouldn't talk to him and disrespect him with putting ear buds in and turning on music to block him out.

Obviously husband shouldn't call names... but should he apologize?

Mind you, this is strictly a hypothetical situation


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Husband should apologize for what he did wrong. Wife should apologize for what she did wrong.


Why does the wife think the husband is cheating. Does she have a big jealous streak?


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Quite the escalation from just a jump out and scare routine. By all means you should apologize for calling names as that behavior is unacceptable (although her actions are also quite questionable). Does she normally throw her rings and threaten divorce? That would be hard for me to deal with. By nature, temperment and professional life, I require truth. Saying that one wants a divorce, at least to me, would send me to my lawyer.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Wife is passive aggressive. When wife does her PA ****, husband needs to do the 180 on her. Is the wife reliant on husband for anything? Financials? 
Since the scaring games have now backfired, husband needs to stop doing it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that the reason that the scaring games blew up like this is that the wife was festering on the thought that the husband was cheating, or at least being inappropriate with another woman. The big scare brought that to the surface.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Goodness talk about escalation gone wild. How some small like that could be blown out of proportion that much is really sad. They both obviously did things that need to be apologized for. Maybe there needs to be some ground rules in their "scare me" game?


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

I would love to know the wife's side of the story. There's a cultural difference here as well.

It's never really about what started the fight; it's always the under lying issues.


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

grow up.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Both should apologize. Passive aggressive wife likely will not but shouldn't stop husband for apologizing for the scare and the name calling. However, husband should have stopped after wife put earbuds in the second time. Straight 180, should not reward her ****ty behavior. Similarly husband should have responded to wife that if she wants to address concerns about cheating he is more than happy to do so with a proper adult conversation, not over texts like teenagers.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

urf said:


> grow up.


I second that thought. And to echo what most people are saying, does she suspect that you have been messing around?
What brings about an accusation of that nature, when you were doing something that is frankly puerile?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

H should apologize. W needs to address her passive aggressive behavior.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Keke24 said:


> Both should apologize. Passive aggressive wife likely will not but shouldn't stop husband for apologizing for the scare and the name calling. However, husband should have stopped after wife put earbuds in the second time. Straight 180, should not reward her ****ty behavior. Similarly husband should have responded to wife that if she wants to address concerns about cheating he is more than happy to do so with a proper adult conversation, not over texts like teenagers.


This.

Husband did apologize and was trying to talk about the accussations of cheating, when the ear buds went in.

Unfortunately, Husband is reaching the end of his passive acceptance to the childish behavior.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MrNightly said:


> Obviously husband shouldn't call names... but should he apologize?


Whatever she is hypothetically upset about is not going to hypothetically go away with a simple apology which is WHY she is so hypothetically upset.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> I would love to know the wife's side of the story. There's a cultural difference here as well.
> 
> It's never really about what started the fight; it's always the under lying issues.


Yes, this is the truth.

Most likely, Wife was feeling upset about Husband having a work conversation with a woman. Husband runs a business and occassionally has to deal with women. Wife is rather jealous apparently. 

The bad part, is that Wife will never just have a normal conversation and instead turns it into a fight when she has bad thoughts. There is a very large problem with emotional maturity with Wife.

(Forgive my Wife/Husband style today... I'm pretty unnerved after the this last eposide.... I truly thought when she said she wouldn't do this anymore, she wouldn't do it!!!)


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

badsanta said:


> Whatever she is hypothetically upset about is not going to hypothetically go away with a simple apology which is WHY she is so hypothetically upset.


Agreed.

However, when the response to her upsetness is to name call, throw insults and be rude, and then regress into silence, it is impossible to get to the bottom of anything!

I shouldn't have called her a B**** last night. I know that was an emotional outburst that should have just been better served by walking away.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

MrNightly said:


> Agreed.
> 
> However, when the response to her upsetness is to name call, throw insults and be rude, and then regress into silence, it is impossible to get to the bottom of anything!
> 
> I shouldn't have called her a B**** last night. I know that was an emotional outburst that should have just been better served by walking away.


Well, more often than not a woman will talk when they are good and ready to talk. Best to wait it out. 

Throwing out the B word is hard to recover from.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MrNightly said:


> I shouldn't have called her a B**** last night. I know that was an emotional outburst that should have just been better served by walking away.


If I were in this situation, I would start becoming so passive aggressive, but by being nice! Then once I realize who is who at being an a**, at least I was being nice about it!


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

badsanta said:


> If I were in this situation, I would start becoming so passive aggressive, but by being nice! Then once I realize who is who at being an a**, at least I was being nice about it!


I don't think i understand this comment lol. Sorry.

I need to just step back and breathe. I reacted which I have not done previously. 

I'm going to go rekindle the counseling sessions with my therapist and see if that helps. I really didnt think I would get so emotional again...


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Based on the snippets coming back from you MrNightly, it would not hurt for BOTH of you to get into a little counseling. She has to learn to dial back the childish behavior and so do you. Frankly both of you deserve a paddlin'. Dumbass way to fool around...what if she had an previously undiagnosed heart ailment? She had better learn positive disagreement techniques instead of going straight for the divorce. (I had a client whose wife did this repeatedly, it lost its meaning to her, it was just something she said, until he took her up on it-I have never seen a denial spiral like she took-I didn't mean it...I never meant it...I didn't know it hurt...How could he?...over and over until the divorce was final. He is happily remarried, she is not, she is still trying to wrap her head around what happened)


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

MrNightly said:


> Husband and Wife enjoy jumping out and scaring one another at random times. Husband jumps out and scares wife


This is so odd. Unless you're 6. If so please accept my apology and get ready for beddie bye. And brush your teeth!


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

MrNightly said:


> Yes, this is the truth.
> 
> Most likely, Wife was feeling upset about Husband having a work conversation with a woman. Husband runs a business and occassionally has to deal with women. Wife is rather jealous apparently.
> 
> ...


Uh, there is also a very large problem with emotional maturity with Husband.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

browser said:


> This is so odd. Unless you're 6. If so please accept my apology and get ready for beddie bye. And brush your teeth!


Seriously! My 9 yr old does this and it drives.me.nuts.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Jessica38 said:


> Seriously! My 9 yr old does this and it drives.me.nuts.


Next time pretend to have a heart attack and fall on the floor dead until he starts crying. 

It might not solve the issue entirely but you might get a break for a few days.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Is this how you normally argue, does she say ''divorce'' in the midst of arguments a lot? If so, that's not cool. 

You both should apologize, wait...I thought this was a hypothetical?  LOL Omg.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Yep.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

*Deidre* said:


> Is this how you normally argue, does she say ''divorce'' in the midst of arguments a lot? If so, that's not cool.
> 
> You both should apologize, wait...I thought this was a hypothetical?  LOL Omg.


I apologized.

Yes, we both have growing up to do.

She is very childlike in many things, and loves to "jump" out and scare people... my two kids (11 and 13 this year) love to joke around with her like this on a regular basis. Some may think it's dumb, so be it. It's been a fun way to laugh together in the past.

Yes, she brings up divorce every fight now. I just came home and all the photo's of us are taken down from around the house. I'm going to ignore it and watch the KU game!


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

MrNightly said:


> I apologized.
> 
> Yes, we both have growing up to do.
> 
> ...


I've only got one piece of advice. If this goes all the way to divorce and if you end up inside a courtroom, do not play the "Boo!" game by hiding under the defense table. It will not go over well with the judge. 

Just trust me on this one.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

I'm going to print off annulment papers and hand them to her tonight.

I'm so over the abusive games she plays then expects me to be ok when she comes out of her fit. 

I also want to ensure she doesn't run away with the baby who is due in a month. I'm probably need to fight for full custody.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

MrNightly said:


> I'm going to print off annulment papers and hand them to her tonight.


You're going to try to get an anullment based on the fact that she scares too easily and is a sore loser?


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

browser said:


> You're going to try to get an anullment based on the fact that she scares too easily and is a sore loser?


Nah... not because of that.

Ive written plenty about it in another thread. 

I love her but I'm not willing to be abused like this for the rest of my life


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

MrNightly said:


> I'm going to print off annulment papers and hand them to her tonight.
> 
> I'm so over the abusive games she plays then expects me to be ok when she comes out of her fit.
> 
> I also want to ensure she doesn't run away with the baby who is due in a month. I'm probably need to fight for full custody.


I think her behavior is bordering emotionally abusive, to be honest. Threatening divorce, silent treatment, etc...it's emotionally taxing, and you don't deserve it. You tolerate it, so she keeps it up. I think you should simply have a talk with her saying that you both need to do better at showing each other love, and that if it doesn't change, then maybe divorce should be discussed. It's weird the things we get used to in a relationship, thinking they're normal, just to keep the peace.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

*Deidre* said:


> I think her behavior is bordering emotionally abusive, to be honest. Threatening divorce, silent treatment, etc...it's emotionally taxing, and you don't deserve it. You tolerate it, so she keeps it up. I think you should simply have a talk with her saying that you both need to do better at showing each other love, and that if it doesn't change, then maybe divorce should be discussed. It's weird the things we get used to in a relationship, thinking they're normal, just to keep the peace.


Well that's the thing. We do talk. Every time she comes out of hiding. And this last time she agreed to not do it anymore. 

Well, that didn't last and she broke her promise. 

I'd love to sit down with my wife and have a heart to heart, but we only get to do that when she permits... and then why even bother? She isn't going to keep her word! 

I'm thinking I should just move to New Zealand and forget this entire life. I've obviously been a complete and utter failure at it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

MrNightly said:


> Well that's the thing. We do talk. Every time she comes out of hiding. And this last time she agreed to not do it anymore.
> 
> Well, that didn't last and she broke her promise.
> 
> ...


Sounds like you're in what seems to be an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship.  

I don't know what advice to give other than, once the pain of staying is worse than the thought of leaving, you'll leave. Unless she changes and starts treating you better, but it sounds like she runs the show, and likes it that way. And you let her. 

Sorry you're here in such a situation. It saddens me that quite a few of you here are in controlling, abusive marriages and have tried to make it seem normal for yourselves, but love doesn't throw wedding rings back at you, threaten divorce every other argument, and give silent treatment after apologies have been made. I get that once kids are in the picture, it gets harder to leave, but your kids are learning bad marriage behaviors from these consistent episodes. Arguing and conflict resolution is a normal part of healthy relationships, but then there's abuse...and that's what it seems like you're dealing with.


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