# Frustrated husband



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Hey all,

Written here a few times about my marriage struggles over the past few months so I figured I’d come for more advice.

Recently my wife and I had a conversation in couples counseling about splitting of house hold duties as I was the one keeping the place clean, paying the bills, coordinating child care and taking care of our 15 month old son.

My wife agreed that I do the majority of the work and has recently tried to pitch in more which she frames as “taking things off my plate.” All good and helpful.

Past 2 nights she hasn’t been feeling well so she’s gone to bed early. Two nights ago I stayed up later watching TV put dinner away, washed the dishes, cleaned the stove and swept the kitchen. She told me it was appreciated and I said no problem I know you’re not feeling well so I figured this way you don’t have to worry about it.

last night however, I stayed up but didn’t do the dishes. So this morning I’m cooking breakfast for our son and feeding him in his high chair. She came down and sighed at the sink then started loading the dishwasher with an irritated look on her face.

when I asked her what was wrong she started to say that she is “a little annoyed that she woke up to a sink full of dishes and apparently can’t rely on me to do them” so she “has to do them before she goes to bed.”

i responded very confused as we just recently had a talk about her helping out more. I said not for nothing but I do the dishes all the time. “Not the past 2 weeks” she said “I’ve been doing them every night.”

i responded saying okay and I appreciate it. She said “well just like you told the therapist you need help around the house, I also need help around the house.”

i didn’t really know that to say so I said yeah…but even when I was doing it all I didn’t get angry and rude to you about it, I brought it to therapy to see if we could figure out a system to work better as a team.

i don’t think she really liked this as she left for work without really saying much.

however when she got to work she was fine and texting me that she arrived.

i feel like I’m riding an emotional rollercoaster with this woman and it’s getting exhausting.

We don’t seem to make a good team when it comes to resolving conflicts or getting things done and she is only ever satisfied if I burn myself out doing it all.

also, she has been posting things to social media lately about giving your all to something if you really want it to work so that you don’t look back with any regrets that you didn’t do all you could do.”

It’s like she has some victim complex or desire to be seen as someone trying to save her marriage in case things really go south.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I'm not surprised at this, are you?

She's not going to change.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> I'm not surprised at this, are you?
> 
> She's not going to change.


Ive really been trying to give her the benefit of the doubt lately as she has been helping more and even took a new job which she was excited to tell me will help me out because she can bring the baby to my parents in the morning so I don’t have to run around.

just these constant issues are wearing on me.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why should you do all the work at home?

she acts ungrateful. Maybe this isn’t a good match.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Your wife is ungrateful and treats you like a slave. I'm curious, if you were sick for a few weeks and unable to get out of bed, would she look after you, the baby and the house? You do nearly all of that on your own and work too. Just curious if she would lose her temper, get mad if she had to take care of things for a while. 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

FloridaPool said:


> Ive really been trying to give her the benefit of the doubt lately as she has been helping more and even took a new job which she was excited to tell me will help me out because she can bring the baby to my parents in the morning so I don’t have to run around.
> 
> just these constant issues are wearing on me.


She's got to go.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

A lot of things bug you that she does or doesn't do.

Stop trying to change her.
Accept her or leave.

My wife wouldn't sweep the floor to save her life and it pissed me off every time and I would do it. We fought about it over and over.

Finally, I decided for $100 month I could remove all that conflict by hiring a cleaning service.

$100 month to save my marriage over something petty that I was irritated with and so was she.

Money well spent and I learned a lesson.

Stop trying to force her to change.
Live with it or don't. Or find another solution.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This is who she is. She’s recently shown you a little bit of temporary change — only because she wants to stay married — but I seriously doubt that she’s capable of permanent change. You’ll have to decide if you can live with that.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> She's got to go.


What makes you say this in response to her taking on a new job and removing the driving our Son to my parents every morning? That’s one thing I feel like she’s actually being helpful with.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Look up traits of a narcissist and see how many she checks off.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

FloridaPool said:


> What makes you say this in response to her taking on a new job and removing the driving our Son to my parents every morning? That’s one thing I feel like she’s actually being helpful with.


If she's causing so much grief over so long a time, what's your happiness worth to you? 

Married life isn't solely made up of accomplishing tasks. But having a relationship with your spouse that one enjoys to have. Good friends. Good and frequent sex. A spouse one is happy to wake up with.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So I assume you're still working?

If you are this relationship is unbalanced. "Taking things off your plate" implies that housework and kid care are YOUR job and she's doing you a big fat favor to pitch in.

Now let's address the sighing. Sighing is a contemptuous act, so don't respond by playing dumb and asking what's wrong as if you don't know. Tell her that she can sigh somewhere else as you're busy taking care of things while she lays in bed. If dishes don't get done on her majesty's schedule then her majesty can do them herself.

Stop being a doormat. I'm not seeing what she brings to this relationship. Let her other men wait on her and listen to her sigh when dishes don't get done. Time to start standing up for yourself.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> So I assume you're still working?
> 
> If you are this relationship is unbalanced. "Taking things off your plate" implies that housework and kid care are YOUR job and she's doing you a big fat favor to pitch in.
> 
> ...


Yes, I actually work two jobs. One full time and one part time.

she works full time as well.

i think she makes the take things off my plate comment because I mentioned how I have been really stressed and overwhelmed lately as I’m starting to crack under the responsibility of everything.

i asked mainly because I didn’t understand how it could possibly be an issue or what could possibly elicit such a childish reaction.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

FloridaPool said:


> Yes, I actually work two jobs. One full time and one part time.
> 
> she works full time as well.
> 
> ...


So are you happy or unhappy? Tbh you're getting wishy-washy.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> So are you happy or unhappy? Tbh you're getting wishy-washy.


I’m not happy I would say overall.

What gives you the wishy washy impression?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Let her other men wait on her and listen to her sigh when dishes don't get done.


What? I guess the history I read didn't have that. But admittedly it's hard to read.

So yea if there's other men in the picture then OP you're fixing the wrong things.

Get out now.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

She only thinks about herself. She doesn't love you.

Stop wasting your time on this woman.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> What? I guess the history I read didn't have that. But admittedly it's hard to read.
> 
> So yea if there's other men in the picture then OP you're fixing the wrong things.
> 
> Get out now.


Not sure if there’s “other men”

i had written a post at one point about finding out that she continues to follow and like all pics of the guy she dated before me on social media. Occasionally commenting on his posts and liking things like shirtless pictures of him.

I also posted another time when I saw a text conversation on her phone between her and a co worker friend that read “Dr.Epstein complemented the **** out of me this morning and now I’m damp.”


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

re16 said:


> She only thinks about herself. She doesn't love you.
> 
> Stop wasting your time on this woman.


You got all that from this post? lol damn I really am blind to it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The answer to her would be, yes, do the dishes before you go to bed. That’s what adults do — even those who aren’t feeling great. You take care of your responsibilities as you should. She sees all of this as “helping” you and not as something she should have been doing all along.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

FloridaPool said:


> Yes, I actually work two jobs. One full time and one part time.
> 
> she works full time as well.
> 
> ...


I told you. Her highness sees these things as your job so any help from her is a favor.

If you're ready to crack stop doing so much. If her highness is unhappy she can do things herself or hire a housekeeper. You act like a doormat so you get treated like one.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

FloridaPool said:


> Hey all,
> 
> Written here a few times about my marriage struggles over the past few months so I figured I’d come for more advice.
> 
> ...


Are you a SAHD?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

moon7 said:


> Are you a SAHD?


He's not. 

His wife is a selfish narcissistic person who has had the pleasure of him taking care of just about everything in their life.

Of I recall correctly, the way she relates to their child is probably causing some damage to him (the child).


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

FloridaPool said:


> i had written a post at one point about finding out that she continues to follow and like all pics of the guy she dated before me on social media. Occasionally commenting on his posts and liking things like shirtless pictures of him


That’s totally unacceptable for a wife to be doing and disrespectful to you. Your wife is obviously immature based on your original post. I would be concerned that she blames you for being unhappy and looks elsewhere (another guy) for happiness. Not saying it’s happening now, but I would be very aware of the possibility.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

Livvie said:


> He's not.
> 
> His wife is a selfish narcissistic person who has had the pleasure of him taking care of just about everything in their life.
> 
> Of I recall correctly, the way she relates to their child is probably causing some damage to him (the child).


😲

I cant argue with that.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

FloridaPool said:


> Not sure if there’s “other men”
> 
> i had written a post at one point about finding out that she continues to follow and like all pics of the guy she dated before me on social media. Occasionally commenting on his posts and liking things like shirtless pictures of him.
> 
> I also posted another time when I saw a text conversation on her phone between her and a co worker friend that read “Dr.Epstein complemented the **** out of me this morning and now I’m damp.”


I remember these posts and didn't realize this was you. I'd be handing her divorce papers and telling her good luck with Dr Epstein.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Is your wife the one with post-natal depression?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Why should the overwhelming majority of women *STILL* be doing the lion's share of the child-raising and the domestic chores even when they're working full-time jobs?
> 
> It's amazing how it's just expected that women find the time and the energy to be all things to all people, but when a man has to do it, it's a national emergency and we all have to get our crying towels out.
> 
> OP - welcome to the world of most working women. Not all of them, but the majority. The stats prove that it's* still* women doing the bulk of the work - for very little gratitude.


if you notice HE had stated that he had been doing dishes - he was also the one feeding the baby!
So what does SHE do while she is at home?
Does she carry half the load while she is home or does she expect you to do the household stuff too?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Why should the overwhelming majority of women *STILL* be doing the lion's share of the child-raising and the domestic chores even when they're working full-time jobs?
> 
> It's amazing how it's just expected that women find the time and the energy to be all things to all people, but when a man has to do it, it's a national emergency and we all have to get our crying towels out.
> 
> OP - welcome to the world of most working women. Not all of them, but the majority. The stats prove that it's* still* women doing the bulk of the work - for very little gratitude.


Is that a joke, or are you just generalizing your bitterness to a situation that seems to be exactly the opposite. 
Did you actually pay any attention whatsoever to the other posts on this one before spinning off on an irrelevant, non-applicable feminist victim rant?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

FloridaPool said:


> i feel like I’m riding an emotional rollercoaster with this woman and it’s getting exhausting.
> 
> We don’t seem to make a good team when it comes to resolving conflicts or getting things done and she is only ever satisfied if I burn myself out doing it all.


As we say in Al-Anon, "Nothing changes if nothing changes." She's not making sincere, substantive changes. Everyone is still basically stuck in what sounds to me like a generally unhappy marriage.



FloridaPool said:


> also, she has been posting things to social media lately about giving your all to something if you really want it to work so that you don’t look back with any regrets that you didn’t do all you could do.”
> 
> It’s like she has some victim complex or desire to be seen as someone trying to save her marriage in case things really go south.


I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but things have ALREADY gone south. Honestly, this marriage just sounds like a bad match. Maybe it can be salvaged, but I truly doubt it. With all her posturing and breast-beating about how she's "trying" to save the marriage .... well, I call b.s. on that. What you see is what you get. And, until you see it for what it actually is, you'll remain stuck and frustrated. Your life. Your choice.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

FloridaPool said:


> Hey all,
> 
> Written here a few times about my marriage struggles over the past few months so I figured I’d come for more advice.
> 
> ...


Your problems with your wife are not over who does what chores.

In Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy, the three biggest problems that Nice Guys face are (1) being co-dependent and needing their wife's validation to feel good about themselves, (2) Covert contracts principally about chores, (3) lack of Getting a Life and being proud of their accomplishments.

I think you might be a Nice Guy and that is not a complement. Once upon a time I too was a Nice Guy, until I got my act together. 

At your next marriage counseling session, ask your counselor about Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy and ask if you seem to be co-dependent and needing your wife's validation? Ask if you battle about chores with your wife and your ending up doing almost all the chores is really a set of covert contracts with your wife, where you are hoping that if you just do X, she will rejoice and give you Y (Sexual desire, love, praise, affection) in return?

Good luck, and I would suggest you get a copy of Glover's book.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Young at Heart said:


> Your problems with your wife are not over who does what chores.
> 
> In Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy, the three biggest problems that Nice Guys face are (1) being co-dependent and needing their wife's validation to feel good about themselves, (2) Covert contracts principally about chores, (3) lack of Getting a Life and being proud of their accomplishments.
> 
> ...


We’ve already established all this in his prior thread or the one before that. 
Unfortunately it doesn’t appear that he is taking any real action or done anything significant to improve himself or take control of the situation. I believe he was already reading NMMNG, but it doesn’t sound like he’s actually absorbed any of it..


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> We’ve already established all this in his prior thread or the one before that.
> Unfortunately it doesn’t appear that he is taking any real action or done anything significant to improve himself or take control of the situation. I believe he was already reading NMMNG, but it doesn’t sound like he’s actually absorbed any of it..


That was my take. I scanned the post history and sure the wife is way out of line but OP seems like a whiny self-centered simp to me. Others have said I am wrong about that, but my opinion hasn't changed and this OP is more of the same.

OP grow a set and do something about it or learn to love it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Words vs. actions. If that’s your wife’s best shot she should remain single once this marriage is done.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Words vs. actions. If that’s your wife’s best shot she should remain single once this marriage is done.


If what’s her best shot? Trying to help out more around the house and getting a job closer to home so she can bring the baby to my parents before work?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

FloridaPool said:


> If what’s her best shot? Trying to help out more around the house and getting a job closer to home so she can bring the baby to my parents before work?


Complaining after two weeks of having to do the dishes that you don’t help her with them.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

She's still doing ******** like you described in your opening post.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

FloridaPool said:


> If what’s her best shot? Trying to help out more around the house and getting a job closer to home so she can bring the baby to my parents before work?


You say you're frustrated. You say you're exhausted. You say the two of you don't make a good team, particularly when it comes to conflict resolution.

So what do you wish to accomplish here? If you're just here to vent, that's fine. Vent away. But you complain about her behavior(s), then you seem to defend her when anyone points out she sounds like an entitled princess. Perhaps you can see why folks are a bit confused here.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> You say you're frustrated. You say you're exhausted. You say the two of you don't make a good team, particularly when it comes to conflict resolution.
> 
> So what do you wish to accomplish here? If you're just here to vent, that's fine. Vent away. But you complain about her behavior(s), then you seem to defend her when anyone points out she sounds like an entitled princess. Perhaps you can see why folks are a bit confused here.


Yeah I can understand that. I guess it’s because I’m conflicted in a lot of ways.

struggling alone for so long combined with the stuff about her ex and the doctor at work really caused me to withdraw emotionally and form resentment that has made it hard to be close to her or enjoy being with her.

i brought a lot of my concerns to her attention since then and she talks a good talk but I’m just worried I’m the one screwing it up because I’m so closed off I’m not allowing us to succeed because I’ve already filled my mind with resentment and have no room for love.

she often says that she is trying to just be happy together again and be in love like we used to but I’m not letting her in and how she won’t keep begging forever if I don’t want her.

then I worry about giving up a marriage and breaking up my young family only to find out I made a mistake. That maybe we could have recovered.

It sucks too because my friends and family love her and her family adores me so it will be hard on multiple levels.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

It's okay to be conflicted. At this point, all you can do is work on finding ways to alleviate the resentment. I don't think you're necessarily "screwing it up." Granted, we're only getting your side of this, but it sounds like you are really doubting her sincerity when it comes to her efforts to improve and change.

This may be salvageable. Then, again, it may not. I don't think it's constructive to indulge in what-if scenarios. What if you end the marriage and you realize somewhere down the line that was the wrong decision? What if you decide to end the marriage and it ends up being the best decision? What if a meteor comes screaming out of the sky and obliterates you? I mean, c'mon. What if thinking can drive you nuts. How about focusing on what IS? At least it worked for me when I needed to decide whether or not to leave my marriage. Doesn't mean every choice I made along the way was perfect, but we don't live in a perfect world.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Let me ask, how do you expect the marriage to recover when she doesn’t respect you and treats you like poop?
How can that happen?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Drop your hopium pipe. You act like doing most of the work will get you something. 
It has. A whole lot of nothing.
Do you really think a marriage counselor is going to fix this for you?
All you’re going to accomplish is contributing to their kids college funds.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

FloridaPool said:


> Yeah I can understand that. I guess it’s because I’m conflicted in a lot of ways.
> 
> struggling alone for so long combined with the stuff about her ex and the doctor at work really caused me to withdraw emotionally and form resentment that has made it hard to be close to her or enjoy being with her.
> 
> ...


The biggest problem you have is waking up to reality. You seem like you want this to be your fault so you can maybe fix it or not make a decision.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No one can tell you 100% how you will feel if you divorce her. That uncertainty is what keeps people in dysfunctional marriages. What I see is a woman who talks a lot about making things work but whose words and actions don’t align. Two weeks and she’s already complaining that you aren’t helping her enough with her share? No.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Quoted
*Two weeks and she’s already complaining that you aren’t helping her enough with her share? *

Notice it is HER share! That means it is HERS to DO.
It is not for YOU to do it for her! She is so spoiled she expects you to do yours AND hers!

I’d just tell her bold faced - I’m not doing mine and I’m also not doing yours!
Do NOTHING! Let HER figure out how hard it is being ONE person doing the work for two people!

she will need to do it all anyway when you leave her (which you should) - for you - in a new household nothing would seem very different - you’re used to doing the work of two people.

let some other dude put up with this spoiled brat!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

She’s been treating you terribly for so long this is normal for her!

you want to keep begging her to be a decent wife/mother to your child? She is just a huge roadblock to your happiness! It’s like pulling teeth to get her to participate on a decent level.

after looking at the consistent pattern of your threads - divorce her! You should never have to beg someone to be decent, kind and generous to you when they claim to love you!

love doesn’t look like what you’re living through! She is selfish, self centered and lazy. Let her figure out how to care for herself - try and get custody of your son - I’m not sure she would actually make effort to take care of him!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

FloridaPool said:


> You got all that from this post? lol damn I really am blind to it.


I know people like to feel as if their situation and story is somehow different, special, unique, and in the specifics, it may be. However, the broad story you tell here is exactly the same as the one countless others have told countless times. When one reads the same story over and over, it is pretty easy to know how it ends.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> Two weeks and she’s already complaining that you aren’t helping her enough with her share?


What stood out to me was that she keeps referring to it as "helping him out." Implying that all of this is actually HIS job and she's doing him a favor by taking care of the home she lives in. That attitude to me is a HUGE turn off. Seems really selfish and entitled.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

She still sounds depressed and not able to cope to me.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Or this morning for example. I woke up to the sound of the baby crying and her making lots of noise in the kitchen.

i come downstairs and see she is trying to feed him something he doesn’t want. She has an egg on the stove and a waffle in the toaster as well.

as soon as I round the corner she says I can’t do this I have to get ready for work, there’s a waffle in the toaster because he won’t eat anything I made! Then she stormed upstairs.

i noticed the egg was burning so I turned off the heat and started feeding him waffle.

few minutes later she comes down and just stares at the egg. I said was that for you or the baby? It was burning so I turned it off.

She says it was for him but it’s fine and she slam the pan down on the stove and goes to make a new egg.

i kept saying dont worry about it I’ll make a new one just get ready for work. She kept insisting and I was tired of the negative energy so I just said please go, I’ll take care of the egg it’s too early for this I just woke up.

she proceeded to burst into tears and said “just go?!” Okay I’ll go, I’ll leave for work and maybe if everyone is lucky I won’t come back. Everyone have a wonderful day because I’m just gonna go and she slammed the door and left for work.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

FloridaPool said:


> Or this morning for example. I woke up to the sound of the baby crying and her making lots of noise in the kitchen.
> 
> i come downstairs and see she is trying to feed him something he doesn’t want. She has an egg on the stove and a waffle in the toaster as well.
> 
> ...


Good lord. Hang in there man.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Good lord. Hang in there man.


She needs help (as in pills), not her husband coming to TAM complaining about it. She is clearly not coping.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> She needs help (as in pills), not her husband coming to TAM complaining about it. She is clearly not coping.


She refuses to take them. She took herself off of the prescribed medication without consulting her doctor and will not listen to either me or our couples therapist when we encourage her to start back up.

also has made no real effort to do individual therapy. She called once but never got a call back and I keep telling her to try again.

nor does she want to take the therapists suggestion to do other things to boost her mood like go to the gym or go for a walk. I just told her the other day to go and said I’ll watch the baby take your time…nope.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

FloridaPool said:


> She refuses to take them. She took herself off of the prescribed medication without consulting her doctor and will not listen to either me or our couples therapist when we encourage her to start back up.


Then, when she does all this, you should mention it. I know it will be like dropping a nuclear bomb, but she needs to understand that she is damaging the family and the marriage with her actions.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

FloridaPool said:


> Or this morning for example. I woke up to the sound of the baby crying and her making lots of noise in the kitchen.
> 
> i come downstairs and see she is trying to feed him something he doesn’t want. She has an egg on the stove and a waffle in the toaster as well.
> 
> ...


That sounds like an overwhelmed, struggling, or depressed parent. I've had almost the same interaction with my wife, many times.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Then, when she does all this, you should mention it. I know it will be like dropping a nuclear bomb, but she needs to understand that she is damaging the family and the marriage with her actions.


I told her today that she needs to find another way to deal with it because her frustration is damaging to our marriage as well as my son and I.

i told her that it creates tension and stress in the house and I cannot continue to live like that because I come home to destress.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

FloridaPool said:


> I told her today that she needs to find another way to deal with it because her frustration is damaging to our marriage as well as my son and I.
> 
> i told her that it creates tension and stress in the house and I cannot continue to live like that because I come home to destress.


What did she reply?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Good lord. Hang in there man.


NO!!! For god's sake, STOP trying to hang in there when you have nothing to hang on to...!



FloridaPool said:


> Or this morning for example. I woke up to the sound of the baby crying and her making lots of noise in the kitchen.
> 
> i come downstairs and see she is trying to feed him something he doesn’t want. She has an egg on the stove and a waffle in the toaster as well.
> 
> ...


How many of these situations are you going to post here before you actually TAKE the advice that you are being given by most of the posters who respond to you? 
WHEN are you actually going to SEE and ACCEPT what she is showing you...?

THIS is who she is. EVERY SINGLE TIME. She is totally self-centered and entitled, and she only ever cares about how SHE feels and what SHE wants, and she cannot cope at all with not getting her way, even when it's something insignificant.

You don't trust her, because your mind is WISELY recognizing that she IS NOT trustworthy...AT ALL. Your heart won't let her in because deep down you know that she doesn't care about you. You should never trust people who treat you like this...and you shouldn't give them second (and third, and fourth, and tenth) chances, because THEY NEVER CHANGE.

The only reason everyone "loves" her is because they don't know the real "her", and they don't have to depend on her as a partner.....because she is NOT partner-material and cannot be depended on. 

You are NOT a "team" in a marriage -- you are the single parent of two toddlers. SHE is more disruptive and difficult than the actual baby!

She only seeks her own immediate gratification, and falls apart when she can't have what she wants immediately...that's what you are witnessing, her throwing "poor me!" temper tantrums when she can't get her way, even with her own baby.

If you ever want to be happy in your life with your child, you are going to have to SEE her for who she is and BELIEVE what she is showing you about herself.

She will NEVER change. This morning is going to be the rest of your life with her.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> What did she reply?


She kinda played the victim and said “well I’m sorry I’m causing everyone so much stress and negatively impacting everyone’s lives.”

i responded I understand you get frustrated with him not eating things but you have to find a different way to react and think about how it effects others.

She said you’re right and said she has been trying and doesn’t know how to change her reaction. I told her to think about it today and we will discuss when she’s calm.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

FloridaPool said:


> said she has been trying and doesn’t know how to change her reaction.


She knows how to change... she doesn't want to.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

FloridaPool said:


> Or this morning for example. I woke up to the sound of the baby crying and her making lots of noise in the kitchen.
> 
> i come downstairs and see she is trying to feed him something he doesn’t want. She has an egg on the stove and a waffle in the toaster as well.
> 
> ...


Why are you still here, several threads later posting the exact same stuff? 
A couple threads ago, it seemed like you were getting it, or starting to get it. Apparently not. 

Do you actually have the intent and capacity to make changes and improve your situation?
Or are you just here looking for us to validate your misery while you complain impotently about your wife, but do nothing to change anything. 

Your situation is 100% on you at this point. It’s not your wife, this is your fault for continuing to passively tolerate the situation. 
It seems like you haven’t learned anything after multiple threads here on the exact same problem, or any of the books you’ve supposedly read.

You can either continue to wallow helplessly in your victimhood while complaining about your wife and your crappy situation - or you can do something about it. It’s a choice, and it’s yours. 

If it’s the former, just let us know. Include a disclaimer that you just want to complain and wallow but aren’t willing to actually do anything significant to charge things.
Some folks will still engage with you, but many are more interested in engaging with OPs who are actually willing to take action to help themselves.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> Why are you still here, several threads later posting the exact same stuff?
> A couple threads ago, it seemed like you were getting it, or starting to get it. Apparently not.
> 
> Do you actually have the intent and capacity to make changes and improve your situation?
> ...


Only choice at this point seems to be divorcing her and that’s a big life change in still grappling with.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

bobert said:


> That sounds like an overwhelmed, struggling, or depressed parent. I've had almost the same interaction with my wife, many times.


I've had it too. Most posters here seem to think she is some kind of ungrateful, spiteful biatch, but to me it sounds like she is still suffering with post-natal depression and she is not coping. The best course of action would be trying to convince her to take her medicines again. Or maybe he could try and talk to her doctor. She needs help.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> It's okay to be conflicted. At this point, all you can do is work on finding ways to alleviate the resentment. I don't think you're necessarily "screwing it up." Granted, we're only getting your side of this, but it sounds like you are really doubting her sincerity when it comes to her efforts to improve and change.
> 
> This may be salvageable. Then, again, it may not. I don't think it's constructive to indulge in what-if scenarios. What if you end the marriage and you realize somewhere down the line that was the wrong decision? What if you decide to end the marriage and it ends up being the best decision? What if a meteor comes screaming out of the sky and obliterates you? I mean, c'mon. What if thinking can drive you nuts. How about focusing on what IS? At least it worked for me when I needed to decide whether or not to leave my marriage. Doesn't mean every choice I made along the way was perfect, but we don't live in a perfect world.


"What if thinking can drive you nuts. How about focusing on what IS"?

This is so good!! Thanks!!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Most people say they want to change things and they might actually mean it. But few do because the work involved is more than they’re willing to do. So far she talks a good game but that‘s it. You’ll have to decide how much time you’re willing to give her.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Openminded said:


> Most people say they want to change things and they might actually mean it. But few do because the work involved is more than they’re willing to do. So far she talks a good game but that‘s it. You’ll have to decide how much time you’re willing to give her.


It’s not just about HER changing. It’s about HIM leading the relationship and creating a new reality and structure and expectations for her to operate in. 
HE needs to operate differently as well, that’s where it starts. 
Unfortunately, I’m not seeing it anywhere here.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

LisaDiane said:


> NO!!! For god's sake, STOP trying to hang in there when you have nothing to hang on to...!
> 
> 
> How many of these situations are you going to post here before you actually TAKE the advice that you are being given by most of the posters who respond to you?
> ...


I don't mean hang in there for the M  but hang in there protecting his mental state so he can rapidly give her the boot. 🤣🤣🤣


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> She needs help (as in pills), not her husband coming to TAM complaining about it. She is clearly not coping.


She does, or something. H should planning and execute the big D as quick as he can.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

FloridaPool said:


> Only choice at this point seems to be divorcing her and that’s a big life change in still grappling with.


You'll be much better off if you do. Yes it will be hard, but at the same time life will get a lot better quicker than you think. The mental strain will ease up as soon as you two separate.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Since she acts incapable of managing the child one her own - she should look in to living with family for a few years. 
you try and get as much time with the baby as possible. Especially since she can’t be bothered to get the baby up and figure out what to feed it so that he/she actually eats.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Didn’t she volunteer to let you have the baby if you split up? Take her up on it.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Didn’t she volunteer to let you have the baby if you split up? Take her up on it.


Yeah she did back when she came to me in April about not being happy in the marriage because I “ditched” her to put all my focus on the baby.

just the other day she said she realizes now how much I did for her post pregnancy and how me taking care of the baby and our home was to help her. She blamed her post partum for not realizing it before.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

She won't take medication. She isn't in IC. Sounds to me like she may be less than forthcoming and honest with the MC. I'm starting to think she's manipulating you. Granted, she'll apologize for some of her bad behavior, but she reverts to it the minute she thinks you're going to stick around. Drop so much as a hint you've had enough, and she starts pouring on the appreciation.

Yes, divorce is difficult. But so is staying in a marriage where you admit you are "frustrated." What's developing is a scene that will play out over and over again. This is your life. It won't change until you get sick and tired of this nonsense.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> She won't take medication. She isn't in IC. Sounds to me like she may be less than forthcoming and honest with the MC. I'm starting to think she's manipulating you. Granted, she'll apologize for some of her bad behavior, but she reverts to it the minute she thinks you're going to stick around. Drop so much as a hint you've had enough, and she starts pouring on the appreciation.
> 
> Yes, divorce is difficult. But so is staying in a marriage where you admit you are "frustrated." What's developing is a scene that will play out over and over again. This is your life. It won't change until you get sick and tired of this nonsense.


Tonight she made dinner then lied and said she wasn’t hungry and was going lay upstairs until we were done eating so we could “eat in peace and enjoy our dinner.”

am I a bad person for being sorta interested in a girl I met through a mutual friend? She knows I’m married and we are just friends at this point but our mutual friend said to me last night “she really likes you and wants to date you, the balls in your court.” She said she understands I’m in a difficult spot but her friend called her excited about me spending 10 minutes talking to her when we ran into each other the other day in town.

She treats me really well and we have great conversations that are engaging and interesting. She also basically raised her two nieces and loves children.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

FloridaPool said:


> am I a bad person for being sorta interested in a girl I met through a mutual friend? She knows I’m married and we are just friends at this point but our mutual friend said to me last night “she really likes you and wants to date you, the balls in your court.”
> 
> She treats me really well and we have great conversations that are engaging and interesting. She also basically raised her two nieces and loves children.


Nope, don't do it. If she's interested in a married man then she isn't a good person to choose for a partner. 

If you want to date other women, go for it, but do it as a single man - not a married one.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

bobert said:


> Nope, don't do it. If she's interested in a married man then she isn't a good person to choose for a partner.
> 
> If you want to date other women, go for it, but do it as a single man - not a married one.


Well yeah I don’t plan on dating her now. She doesn’t want to date me until I figure things out anyway just told our mutual friend that she could see us being good together if circumstances were different.

i think our mutual friend is just trying to make me feel better that there are other women out there interested in me that would treat me well.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

FloridaPool said:


> Tonight she made dinner then lied and said she wasn’t hungry and was going lay upstairs until we were done eating so we could “eat in peace and enjoy our dinner.”
> 
> am I a bad person for being sorta interested in a girl I met through a mutual friend? She knows I’m married and we are just friends at this point but our mutual friend said to me last night “she really likes you and wants to date you, the balls in your court.” She said she understands I’m in a difficult spot but her friend called her excited about me spending 10 minutes talking to her when we ran into each other the other day in town.
> 
> She treats me really well and we have great conversations that are engaging and interesting. She also basically raised her two nieces and loves children.


Thoughts and desires don’t make you a good or a bad person, actions do.

Cheating on her will most likely blow up spectacularly and only serve to make everything worse. It’s a very bad idea.
You’re not wrong for thinking about it, you’re not wrong for wanting it, I would strongly advise not taking action on it at this time.

That said, if your wife (on top of everything else) is also not sleeping with you, and forcing you into a celibate marriage, then there might be some nuance there.
If that’s the case (I don’t remember what your sexual dynamic is and I’m certainly not going to hunt back through all your threads to figure it out) - you could always tell her that you will not be a celibate and you will be having sex. You would prefer that it be with her, but she gets first right of refusal, not sole custody.
As long as you’re upfront and above board about it, it’s a viable approach.
However, I really don’t think you’re capable of pulling that off at this point. I’m pretty sure you’d just end up stepping on your own ****, ****ing it up and making everything worse.
So, I guess we’re back to, just don’t.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> Thoughts and desires don’t make you a good or a bad person, actions do.
> 
> Cheating on her will most likely blow up spectacularly and only serve to make everything worse. It’s a very bad idea.
> You’re not wrong for thinking about it, you’re not wrong for wanting it, I would strongly advise not taking action on it at this time.
> ...


Yeah no intention to cheat just it’s nice having such a pretty woman who I get along so well with to talk to. At this point we just enjoy each other’s company and conversation.

though I do sometimes get frustrated I can’t pursue more.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

FloridaPool said:


> Yeah no intention to cheat just it’s nice having such a pretty woman who I get along so well with to talk to. At this point we just enjoy each other’s company and conversation.
> 
> though I do sometimes get frustrated I can’t pursue more.


Which will greatly increase the temptation and opportunity and propensity to cheat. Be advised.

You’re not handling your current situation effectively as it is, and you want to add additional complications into it?

Put your focus on improving yourself and your leadership / management of your marriage, and leave the rest for later.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Worry about sorting your marriage. That should be the only thing on your mind. Especially if this is the same person you mentioned before. And if it’s a different person then that’s two you are interested in. A sure way to find trouble.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

FloridaPool said:


> Yeah no intention to cheat just it’s nice having such a pretty woman who I get along so well with to talk to. At this point we just enjoy each other’s company and conversation.
> 
> though I do sometimes get frustrated I can’t pursue more.


EA’s are fun and seem harmless until you look back and realize how deep you are in. Stop talking to the other woman until you resolve the situation with your wife.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Worry about sorting your marriage. That should be the only thing on your mind. Especially if this is the same person you mentioned before. And if it’s a different person then that’s two you are interested in. A sure way to find trouble.


Nah, same person. The more we talk I’m like holy cow you understand me/want the best for me and this is so easy. Meanwhile my wife manipulates me and makes me feel like a crazy person and that I can never keep her satisfied.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

FloridaPool said:


> Nah, same person. The more we talk I’m like holy cow you understand me/want the best for me and this is so easy. Meanwhile my wife manipulates me and makes me feel like a crazy person and that I can never keep her satisfied.


What you're saying right now is exactly what I would expect from someone neck deep in an emotional affair. You’re finding everything right with the other woman and everything wrong with your spouse. That exactly how it goes.

Stop it. Resolve the situation with your wife.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

FloridaPool said:


> Nah, same person. The more we talk I’m like holy cow you understand me and this so easy. Meanwhile my wife manipulates me and makes me feel like a crazy person and that I can never keep her satisfied.


You are asking for trouble by maintaining contact with her. It’s very easy to end up in an EA even when you never intended that to happen. Especially when you know this one’s interested in you. And you’re interested in her.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> What you're saying right now is exactly what I would expect from someone neck deep in an emotional affair. You’re finding everything right with the other woman and everything wrong with your spouse. That exactly how it goes.
> 
> Stop it. Resolve the situation with your wife.


And by resolve I take it you mean leave her?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

FloridaPool said:


> And by resolve I take it you mean leave her?


Whatever resolve means...leave her or fix your marriage. Others on here have said leave her, I’m less convinced. But get rid of the other woman while you work it out.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

FloridaPool said:


> And by resolve I take it you mean leave her?


Why are you so insistent on the only two options being leave her, or do nothing and just continue to take it like a passive chump?

Some of us have been repeatedly offering you a third option, which is to improve yourself, and start leading your marriage and start setting expectations and boundaries. 
There is so much you could be doing from a position of strength and leadership, and you’re just not.
Sometimes that actually works in transforming a sub-par marriage into a good one, and sometimes it doesn’t. 
But even when it doesn’t save the marriage, it leaves you in a much better position for moving forward.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

FloridaPool said:


> Meanwhile my wife manipulates me and makes me feel like a crazy person and that I can never keep her satisfied.


Look, here's the thing: WE KNOW. We know you're miserable in your marriage. We know your wife manipulates you. But here's something to consider: Nobody can manipulate you unless you allow it. No one has the power to make you feel "crazy" unless you choose to feel that way. And WE ALL KNOW that your wife isn't happy and sounds like a bit of a PIA.

Okay? Got it? We know all this. So, as I previously mentioned, if all you want to do is vent, then that's okay. But after a while all the folks here who are giving you some pretty decent advice will just wander off and leave you alone to vent.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> Look, here's the thing: WE KNOW. We know you're miserable in your marriage. We know your wife manipulates you. But here's something to consider: Nobody can manipulate you unless you allow it. No one has the power to make you feel "crazy" unless you choose to feel that way. And WE ALL KNOW that your wife isn't happy and sounds like a bit of a PIA.
> 
> Okay? Got it? We know all this. So, as I previously mentioned, if all you want to do is vent, then that's okay. But after a while all the folks here who are giving you some pretty decent advice will just wander off and leave you alone to vent.


Oh I get that and I think it’s because I’m opening my eyes to a selfish, reactive woman who I no longer envision as a life partner. I would also like to have a second kid at some point and don’t want to do so if this is how pregnancy and stress of children effects her and our relationship.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Look, here's the thing: WE KNOW. We know you're miserable in your marriage. We know your wife manipulates you. But here's something to consider: Nobody can manipulate you unless you allow it. No one has the power to make you feel "crazy" unless you choose to feel that way. And WE ALL KNOW that your wife isn't happy and sounds like a bit of a PIA.
> 
> Okay? Got it? We know all this. So, as I previously mentioned, if all you want to do is vent, then that's okay. But after a while all the folks here who are giving you some pretty decent advice will just wander off and leave you alone to vent.


When we keep telling you the same things over and over and you don’t leave and bring up this other woman over and over, it begins to sound like you are looking for someone to support you starting an affair with this other woman. I know you’ve said that’s not your intent, but can you see where it might seem that way?


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> When we keep telling you the same things over and over and you don’t leave and bring up this other woman over and over, it begins to sound like you are looking for someone to support you starting an affair with this other woman. I know you’ve said that’s not your intent, but can you see where it might seem that way?


I can see that but I think it’s more so i lack a conviction in my decision to stay or go. I may end up dating that other woman in the future I may not but she has opened my eyes to the fact that there are potentially better matches out there.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

FloridaPool said:


> Oh I get that and I think it’s because I’m opening my eyes to a selfish, reactive woman who I no longer envision as a life partner. I would also like to have a second kid at some point and don’t want to do so if this is how pregnancy and stress of children effects her and our relationship.


If you run away from this problem you'll run away from the next one with a different woman.

And you will have another problem down the road unless you learn how to lead a marriage.

Stay or go it's your choice. But you're going to have to lie in a bed you made at some point.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you’re going to end it then do it because it just doesn’t work and not because you have someone else waiting in the wings. Start by not being in contact with her (and tell your friend to stop mentioning her).


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> If you’re going to end it then do it because it just doesn’t work and not because you have someone else waiting in the wings. Start by not being in contact with her (and tell your friend to stop mentioning her).


Well yesterday was our anniversary. I got her flowers and a card. She got me a card and mailed a tray of cookies/strawberries to my office.

after work she was going to cook meatloaf as we had nothing planned. I spoke with my father on the way home and he said “you gotta go out for your anniversary, I’ll watch the baby.”

so I texted her and said hey, scratch the meatloaf…my dad is watching the baby I’m taking you out tonight.

she agrees then 20 minutes later calls me crying because she didn’t have time to go home and change and “wanted to look pretty for me.” I told her don’t worry about it you're always pretty to me.

she went on and on about having to go in her scrubs and how I was dressed up from work. I said hey I’ve got running clothes in my car I’ll put them on so you don’t feel under dressed. No dice so we went as is.

dinner was going okay until I talked about being stressed with a lot to do at work. She tried to tell me maybe I need to find a new job and how she will help me update my resume. I said thanks but I like my job I’ve just been stressed lately and can’t focus. She said she understood but went virtually silent for the rest of the meal.

i asked her what was wrong and she said “I just miss the baby I want to go get him” I said come on,we never get out together let’s enjoy ourselves, my dad is watching him he’s fine. She insisted and her attitude didn’t improve much so we left shortly after.

well when we get back to my dads he starts talking about how watching the baby on Fridays is tough on him and he suggested we reach out to my mom. He suggested we offer her an extra $100 a month to pick up Fridays. (I hadn’t told my wife I started paying my mom $200 a month so she could watch the baby and not go back to work part time.) mostly because it wasn’t worth the inevitable argument and finding child care is hard enough.

when we get home my wife is crying again. I ask her what’s wrong and she goes off on a tirade about how dare my mom ask for money, who does she think she is, etc. She says “I’m not sending him to your moms anymore on Tuesday/Thursday.” And I’m not taking that new job on Monday, I’m going to stay home and watch him because your mom is ridiculous asking for money.

She says we will put him in daycare if we have to. i said no. No we will not I’m not putting my son in Day care and my mom is barely asking for anything $200 is nothing compared to the cost of daycare. I also said and you have to take that job it’s a good opportunity and it will screw us over if we lose an income.

She says and we’re not going to that birthday party for her cousin this weekend! I don’t want anything to do with her.

i tried to calm her down saying she’s over reacting and she says “oh I’m always over reacting, I’m so difficult to have a discussion with” “go have a discussion with a lawyer then.”

i said something about this being a simple solution and she goes “I can’t solve anything, I can’t make anything right, not our relationship, not anything…I’ll just kill myself. I told her to stop but she kept repeating it and eventually stormed off to bed.

all of this was while I was trying to dress our 1 year old for bed so I finally told her to leave the room because I didn’t want him to be exposed to that talk or her yelling.

this morning I let her have it. I told her that I cannot stay in a marriage like this. That I deserve a loving and respectful partner. I told her that what she said was unforgivable and that I would never threaten her with divorce on our anniversary.

i told her I have come to the conclusion that our marriage is incredibly unhealthy and I love her enough to want her with whoever makes her happy because this clearly isn’t working.

I told her that she does not think of me at all when she says things like that and doesn’t consider how her words make others feel. She agreed and said she truly doesn’t when she’s that upset.

We didn’t talk all day today until lately she’s been texting me saying she’s called a therapist and just wants her family back. Saying she’s going to work on herself and hopes we can fix things and move forward together. She kept saying she loves me, how she appreciates me loving her even though she is “difficult and so tough to love” and I don’t even want to respond.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

FloridaPool said:


> Well yesterday was our anniversary. I got her flowers and a card. She got me a card and mailed a tray of cookies/strawberries to my office.
> 
> after work she was going to cook meatloaf as we had nothing planned. I spoke with my father on the way home and he said “you gotta go out for your anniversary, I’ll watch the baby.”
> 
> ...


“_and I don’t even want to respond._”
But you will. Or did already.

I agreed with your wife up to the kill herself part.
Sorry, I’m just not a fan of FP, I’m bowing out.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

FloridaPool said:


> Not sure if there’s “other men”
> 
> i had written a post at one point about finding out that she continues to follow and like all pics of the guy she dated before me on social media. Occasionally commenting on his posts and liking things like shirtless pictures of him.
> 
> I also posted another time when I saw a text conversation on her phone between her and a co worker friend that read “Dr.Epstein complemented the **** out of me this morning and now I’m damp.”


This is the exact same story as a new poster, Davesantana23.

Exact.


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