# I think I blew it tonight….



## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

OH had an EA with a co-worker, having coffee and chat at work and ‘clicking in’. He still works in the same building with her…
We are doing well at the moment and we had a great weekend alone without the kids.
Today, while he took the kids to a sports tournament and a party I cleaned his car and found:
-a receipt from a coffee shop for two bottles of water
-a receipt from a shop called BIG MODELS
-a broken bit of glasses

I went on the internet and checked the receipts, the water one was from the local shopping centre where he shops, Big Models was from a toy shop ( train models) and when he came back I asked him where this bit from the glasses was. He said his reading glasses were broken at work, so it must have fallen off them.
I did not say anything, he disappeared and came back with his reading glasses that he fetched from work. Then he left really angry. My son started crying, asking if daddy was leaving us.
I really do not know what to think. I am having such a terrible time to regain my trust and he throws his weight around. I wanted to chuck his dinner in the bin, but then I thought, lets not put more oil on the fire.
I tried to speak to him, he does not answer and I sent him a message-‘Sorry for doubting you;.
I have no idea how to fix this and I am sick of him leaving us like this every time something upsets him. Is is my paranoia?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, I'm the wrong person to ask.

Yes, I think you are damaging the relationship by continuing to doubt him on very little evidence. BUT ---

BUT -- he is also acting like a child by leaving and not discussing things with you. Presumably, he knows that he needs to reassure you because of his behavior in the past. I think the focus of your next discussion should be how you both can fight fair.

Couples fight, that's life, but storming out every time? Not good, and not all your fault.

Good luck.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Tiberius said:


> Today, while he took the kids to a sports tournament and a party I cleaned his car and found:
> -a receipt from a coffee shop for two bottles of water
> -a receipt from a shop called BIG MODELS
> -a broken bit of glasses


I understand that infidelity makes a BS paranoid and makes it nearly impossible to trust but what exactly set off your alarms about these items (Other than the two bottles of water)?

Why is your H still working with the OW?
As long as he does you`ll be losing your mind and inviting a 2nd D-Day.

Why does he not seem remorseful at all in his actions when you bring this stuff up?
You can`t get past this unless he`s willing to take a lot of **** for a long time.
He caused the **** so he should either make it right or leave it behind.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He needs to grow up and accept responsibility for his marriage.

You can't do it all, that's not fair.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Guy cheated, right? What is the problem with not trusting him? I would think he would be less defensive in light of what he did. 
Best defense is an offense technique. He turned the tables on you with his reaction, when, in fact, he should be apologizing for having injected the lack of trust inot the relationship in the first place.
You did nothing wrong , at all.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Well, he cheated and he's going to have to live with your suspicions until you move back into your comfort zone in the relationship. He needs to "suck it up" and do what ever it takes to get you there, including changing jobs! If necessary. He was the one at fault he needs to do the work.

That being said, you need to make an effort to put this behind you as well, once you are reasonably satisfied he is doing the right thing.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

"I'm sorry I put you in the position to doubt me at any chance".
That's what he should had said.

How much time since DDay?


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> He needs to grow up and accept responsibility for his marriage.
> 
> You can't do it all, that's not fair.


I agree with this. My therapist said that if he wants to fix trust he should be ready for the occasional bout of "trust issues".

That being said, you need to make sure that you address your "trust issues" in an understanding way.

With that....I think he over reacted.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Over-reacted is the understatement of the day here. His reaction stinks of manipulation, as someone already mentioned in this thread, and if he wants to be a fking three year old about it, thats his problem. He is supposed to be a father for fks sake, what kind of example is that for his kid? Take his dinner and leave it on the porch, have the locks changed, let him sleep in his car or his office for the night. He really cant understand why you would have reason to doubt him? He still works with the OW he had an EA with, what are you supposed to do, get hypnotized and forget it ever happened? You really should consider sending him another text, something along the lines of "I can understand that me checking up on you can be frustrating, but if I flew off the handle every time you went to work because the woman you picked to destroy my heart with still works there, we would never see each other. Grow a pair and face your problems like a man, come home and sit with me, we will discuss it like adults. If I dont see you by 8pm I'm dead-bolting the locks and you can sleep in the car."


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

In the simplest terms, the guy sounds like a compete a-hole.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I was plenty paranoid after catching my H in his affair after DD#2. (For some reason, I wasn't paranoid ENOUGH after DD#1--well, lesson learned.) But because my FWH had ended the affair and was sincerely working toward R, he has been extremely patient. He realizes why I ask certain questions and he just patiently answers them.

Do you have a copy of the book, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass? There are entire passages that explain the vigilance and difficulties resuming trust that betrayed spouses endure for quite a long time after discovery.

I don't think that you had much evidence of anything, but I also don't see anything wrong in asking. I suppose I wouldn't use a very accusatory tone unless I had hard evidcence, but regardless, your H needs to get to a point where he understands hypervigilance and post traumatic stress. It's a normal human reaction to be once burned twice shy (insert appropriate numbers here as needed). He needs to accept it and live with it--he needs to own the fact that he caused it.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

For some reason I was thinking again about your thread. I guess I was reminded when I asked my H if I could look through his cell phone, something I haven't done in weeks. (I monitor the bill, so I don't really need to do this, but now and then I do it anyway.) My H didn't say a peep, he had changed the password slightly and gave me the new one without hesitating.

Then it occurred to me--if your husband was genuinely sorry and remorseful for what he did--after all this time--then your asking him these questions should make him SAD, not angry. Sad that he wounded you so much that the trust has been severely damaged. The fact that he doesn't see it that way means he really isn't sorry about what he did--he's still just sorry he got caught.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

You didn't blow it. He's just being childish. Let him cool off and approach him gently when you gauge him to be in a good frame of mind. Reassure him in your love for him, reassure him in the fact that you depend upon and honor him, and then gently tell him that he really needs to work on being cooler in his interactions with you, even when those interactions are unpleasant. *Especially* when the interactions are unpleasant, because that's when true character is shown!

He is the leader of the family, and you all take your cues from him. If he's not being a good leader it hurts the family. Tell him that you need him to be stronger. If he knows your intentions are noble, which they are, then he will see more clearly the fact that he needs to step up his game. If he feels broadsided or if he feels dishonored, he will be angry and communication will shut down temporarily.


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

Tacoma, he is working with the woman in the same building, not in the same office and the chance of him finding the same type of job is virtually nil. We will have to sell the house; kids to change school, change country etc. if he leaves the job.

I think he does not feel remorseful because according to him they only met for coffee and chat at work. He feels that he has very few friends he can talk to and now I have taken a friend from him.

I told him that my behaviour is as a result of what he has done and his reply was-‘Yes, it is always my fault.’

MattMatt, I think you nailed it, I do it all.

BigLiam, the problem is that he does not think he has cheated….

Acabado, it is almost 3 months since my daughter caught him talking on Skype with her.

Wiigirl, I told him that on the road to recovery there will be setbacks.

Paladin, you are right, the hardest thing is the fact that they still work in the same building( there are around 200 workers in total there).I wish I can get hypnotized every morning when he goes to work so that I do not think about them. And he got Karma last night, left the dinner here, came back with a takeaway that upset his stomach all night.

Iheartlife, I got the His Needs, Her Needs but I can not get Not Just Good Friends as Amazon does not deliver this book where we live. I will ask family to send it to me from the UK. 
As I mentioned earlier, he does not seem to understand that all that is happening is as a result of his actions.

Last night he came and realized that I had changed the Admin password. By the way, it is the same password he put in when I asked for transparency( my wife is so and so)and I asked him to change it several times because it is very disrespectful. Last night I figured out how to do it myself. He had taken the hard drives out of both computers in rage, because he thought I did a spiteful thing-locking him out of the computers. All he had to do is ask me for the new password……..


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Btw, you can read a lot of Not Just Friends via the google books link in my signature (see my posts above for the link)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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