# No sex in almost 4 months?!



## greenthumb95 (Apr 20, 2012)

Hello all, I am desperately in need of some advice.

You may remember a previous post of mine, located at this url:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/61335-am-i-bisexual-does-my-spouse-suspect.html

Anyways, my wife is pregnant, and we havent had sex in almost 4 months! I know that the first trimester sucks as far as nausea, etc..but she doesnt seem interested at all! Our sex life has always been pretty uneventful ever since we met. 2 or 3 times a month maybe, and she never initiates..well, not never..but rarely. A few times I wasnt in the mood when she did, and she says she is scared of rejection, and thats why she doesnt initiate.

Am i being an ass for wanting sex with my pregnant wife? I know she is tired alot, but I dont know. 

Very sexually frustrated here! 
Any thoughts?


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

I've seen it go both ways. Pregnancy causing a woman's sex drive to go through the roof, and through the floor. Seems like you got the latter.

Just a word of warning.. If things have been historical cool with her, she may be uninterested as long as she's breast feeding and then some.


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## greenthumb95 (Apr 20, 2012)

Wow. Really? If you get a chance, read the posts on the link i put in the original message. That might help too. But yea, i dont know what to do. I would never cheat on her, but I am getting tired of doing things solo.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

greenthumb95 said:


> Hello all, I am desperately in need of some advice.
> 
> You may remember a previous post of mine, located at this url:
> 
> ...


I have not read your previous post, but, let me give you a little bit of perspective here... Because pregnant women can complain all day long about how they feel, but if you've never been pregnant it can be very difficult to comprehend...

(BTW, I am paraphrasing this analogy from a book or possibly a website I looked up while pregnant...)

Imagine you are out drinking. Heavily. An all nighter. You're having a grand time and go home and pass out. The next morning you're not feeling so grand anymore. You're hungry but even the smell of food makes you want to hurl. In fact, after an awesome night like you had, you just might - and do. Th nausea lasts forever. Your head hurts, you feel dizzy and if you had something planned for the day, you cancel. You feel THAT AWFUL. Imagine the most uncomfortable, disgusting hangover you have ever had, (if you even drink, that is), and just imagine waking up like that, with that horrible nausea and food adversion and discomfort - EVERY DAY. For WEEKS or MONTHS on end. Would you feel like getting groovy? Probably not. Add onto that the way a woman's esteem and confidence can sometimes be affected by her changing body, her fears and anxieties, etc. Just *try* to put yourself in her shoes.

Now, this might be quite an exaggeration for some, but this is how my pregnancy felt to me, and it lasted ALL throughout. It got better some days and was way awful on others. There were times I even wanted to offer a BJ to my hubby, but it was just absolutely putrifying to me... And I LOVE giving BJ's!!!

4 months is an eternity without sex, IMO. Have you talked to your wife about HJ's or some other form of cooporative satisfaction? There are many alternative things you can do, even if she just sits pretty for you (maybe even naked?) and watches you pleasure yourself with interest and love...

Sometime during my pregnancy the hormones kicked into high gear and I wanted sex ALL.THE.TIME. Morning, noon and night and every minute in between... I hoping this happens for you and your wife as well... It's A LOT of fun. 

In the meantime, be sensitive to her needs and don't downplay how bad she might be feeling... Just remember that sick, hungover feeling and go get her some tea and crackers. She's sure to be grateful and hopefully just as giving to you when she's feeling better. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenthumb95 (Apr 20, 2012)

You pose some great points. She hates giving BJ's, so that wont happen. But yea, I dont make a point of it because i dont understand how she is fully feeling. I just have really sky high fantasies, and some are towards the same sex. They seem to get worse the longer i go without sex.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I may just have to check out your other thread, I don't want to be presumptuous, but do you think you may have a sex addiction? (I hate using the word "addiction" but you know what I mean...)

Personally I don't find it terribly abnormal to fantasize about the same sex, but I don't know what your specific fantasies are... Also, you can perpetuate unhealthy mindsets if the fantasies are causing you or anyone else any kind of harm, even emotional harm... Again, just going out on a limb a little bit.

What does your wife think about your fantasies? Is she intrigued? Appalled? 

Will read your other thread now. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

She has a LD, 2x to 3x month and usually never initiates sex. 

You initiate sex often and she isn't in the mood and rejects you.

She says its the rejection issue, so she doesn't initiate sex but she already is a LD woman to begin with, so that's nonsense.

And now that she is pregnant, LD to no sex.

After giving birth, I honestly wouldn't expect anything.

You have a healthy normal sex life and wanting sex with your wife isn't a bad thing, pregnant or not.

- Feet
- Hands
- Oral
- Breasts
- Toys

And the list goes on........

She has some issues to get through and in the meantime, I would relieve yourself so you don't get tempted to cheat.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

After reading your other thread I have a few more questions.

How do you feel about your sexual orientation now? Did you ever discuss your feelings and fantasies with your wife? (If so, how did it go)? Are you still currently fostering fantasies about other men, or the man in particular?

I've dated gay men. (Unknowingly). I've dated "Bi" men, and I've dated "straight" men. The way you speak of your feelings, I would venture to say that you may not be as "bi" as you think... It's all a matter of wanting what we can't have. You may get the chance to experience this for yourself in this lifetime, (or maybe not), and you will either discover the fantasy was way more fun and exciting than the real deal... Or the real deal will be everything you'd hoped, and it willk in turn, lead to more thoughts/fantasies/crushes, etc.

You seem VERY concerned with how others see you... Which leads me to believe you feel insecure much of the time. Insecurity can repell women if they sense it, and it seems like your wife most certainly does.

All this aside, have you thought of going to counseling for a little bit to help you sort your feelings? It would also be great in preparing you to talk to your wife about this, and perhaps even the counselor can mediate the disclosure... Just a few thoughts. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenthumb95 (Apr 20, 2012)

Well, the issue now is how many people ive spoken too. We have lost a couple good friends lately who heard rumors, and i confided in her..and now they wont speak to us. 

To be honest, my urges are super strong..stronger than ever. I wonder if thats because of not getting any for 4 months. 

She doesnt know the explicit detail..but we have talked over facebook and text about it. She basically told me that unless i want to leave her for a guy, she didnt want to make a big deal of it, or discuss it.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

greenthumb95 said:


> Wow. Really? If you get a chance, read the posts on the link i put in the original message. That might help too. But yea, i dont know what to do. I would never cheat on her, but I am getting tired of doing things solo.


So did that ever get resolved? I did read your original thread.

I didn't respond to that thread but I did want to say that I do believe there is a spectrum of sexuality. I have a couple of things in my life that I don't admit to. One is that I was sexually abused once by my uncle when I was probably 7 or 8. He coerced me into giving him oral. Can't believe I'm writing this but it is true. At that age, I didn't know anything about sexuality, I just knew it was "weird." I look back and it's strange because I don't feel traumatized by it ... it was just something I did and it doesn't define me ... but I do think it created some confusion for me at a couple of points early in my life.

I had a girlfriend in college who surprised me once with a dildo. I was blindfolded and wasn't expecting it at all. I freaked when it started happening but she convinced me to trust her. What I discovered is that I LIKE to have my prostate "examined." One of the strongest orgasms I've ever had. That in combination with having an incident of sexual abuse by a male during my childhood, I started questioning my sexuality. Why did I like it? Was I gay? Bisexual? I DID wonder what it would be like to have a guy enter me that way. It wasn't logical though ... I am attracted to women. I had never once looked at a guy and felt any attraction whatsoever despite the sexual act I thought about. Well, shortly after college while I was trying to find my first real job, I worked at a convenience store down the street from a gay bar in Charlotte. Not just any gay bar but one frequented by transexuals. Every friday and saturday night the guys from the bar would come into the store on their way home. I was hit on quite a few times. I always just never acknowledged it. One night I had closed up the store and got into my car. One of the regular customers who frequented the bar knocked on my window, scaring the heck out of me. I rolled the window down, asked him what he wanted and then he offered to have sex with me. If I wanted to see what that would be like, that would have been the time. No freaking way, lol. I wasn't even the least bit interested and the thought of doing anything with this guy made me want to gag. I told him he must be mistaken because I'm not gay. Later in my twenties, I worked in Dallas close to an area with a lot of gay bars, clubs, etc. I was married by then but I still got hit on sometimes in that area. Had one guy at a Jiffy Lube in that area who seemed odd because I was having car trouble and he was being extra attentive. I asked him where the bathroom was and he literally walked me to the bathroom and followed me in ... and after an awkward silent second, I said "uhmm, ok thanks ... I need to used the bathroom now ..." He looked at me strangely and left, lol. 10 minutes later I'm smoking a cigarette waiting for my car and he walks over. Starts talking to me about whatever and then asks "so are you married?" Yes. "Happily?" Yes (I was at the time). Well, ever thought about being with a guy? .... and I politely excused myself and went into the office. I guess if I was gay, I would have seen a lot of action in my years.

My point is that fantasy is different than reality. Just because you have had those thoughts does not necessarily mean you are gay or bisexual or will go through with them. You will have to figure that out for yourself. It makes me think of something that happened just today. I am an IT guy and I was troubleshooting a problem looking over the shoulder of a woman I work with. She's not even all that attractive objectively but I was standing pretty close since I'm blind as a bat and I caught her smell ... her hair, etc. I was suddenly aroused and had to take a step back for a second. I had a fleeting thought of her sexually. Hit me like a wave. Now, I am no pervert and would never have an affair. I can tell you that at no point in my life, despite having a thought about what a sexual act might be like, have I ever felt that way around a guy.

There are women who have rape fantasies. These fantasies are about power, surrender, etc. It is far different than the violent reality of rape. Fantasy is not the same as the real thing.

You were curious about CL and your wife caught you. I am sure that could influence her attraction to you. If she has a question in her mind that you are not attracted to her (for whatever reason) then yes, that will affect her attraction to you. I don't know what to tell you except that you need to be honest with yourself and be honest with her, either way. You aren't doing her or yourself any favors otherwise. Maybe some private counseling that specializes in sexuality might be in order so you can find the answers you need.

I do think if you were gay or bisexual you would know it. I have a brother who is gay and he knew it since he was young. Heck, we all knew it, it just took time for him to admit it to himself. Figure that out. If you aren't gay, great. If you are, great. If you are somewhere in between, that's fine too. Just be honest with her.


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## greenthumb95 (Apr 20, 2012)

The only thing that has been resolved about the original thread is that , well basically nothing. I mean, my wife and i have nevre really talked about it, but over text and social networks. I have told so many people, or asiked for advice..ive lost count..and lost friends.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

I don't think it's reasonable to expect sex to be spontaneous and effortless during pregnancy. Some ladies don't find their own bodies attractive it all during pregnancy and have a difficult time feeling sexual.

Pregnancy is a wonderful time and a great time to bond with your wife. I always wanted to have sex with my wife when she was pregnant. The changes that her body was going through were so incredibly exciting. Sex worked both ways. Just spending time close to her, showing her love and affection, and getting to know her changing body reassured her that she was incredibly sexy and often led to sex, and having sex led to us bonding very deeply.

If you can find a way to show her that you love her, and love the changes that her body is going through then you can work on creating opportunities for intimacy. It may not happen overnight, or at all, but at least you will be working towards re-establishing intimacy after she has the baby.

Best to you both during this wonderful time


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## greenthumb95 (Apr 20, 2012)

pplwatching said:


> I don't think it's reasonable to expect sex to be spontaneous and effortless during pregnancy. Some ladies don't find their own bodies attractive it all during pregnancy and have a difficult time feeling sexual.
> 
> Pregnancy is a wonderful time and a great time to bond with your wife. I always wanted to have sex with my wife when she was pregnant. The changes that her body was going through were so incredibly exciting. Sex worked both ways. Just spending time close to her, showing her love and affection, and getting to know her changing body reassured her that she was incredibly sexy and often led to sex, and having sex led to us bonding very deeply.
> 
> ...



I agree with all you have said. I find myself more and more attracted to her the farther along she goes in pregnancy. Thats what makes this so hard.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

greenthumb95 said:


> The only thing that has been resolved about the original thread is that , well basically nothing. I mean, my wife and i have nevre really talked about it, but over text and social networks. I have told so many people, or asiked for advice..ive lost count..and lost friends.


Well, if you've lost friends over that then they weren't good friends to begin with. Some people are just idiots. I don't think it is healthy for your relationship to sweep it under the rug. I really do believe that if there is a question in your mind then you need to consult a counselor. There is no shame in that at all. You will make more progress, I believe, than random advice from the internet.

That said, the lack of sex could be entirely related to her pregnancy. No question. It might not be and no matter how much she says it is "ok", actions speak louder than words.


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## greenthumb95 (Apr 20, 2012)

With the freinds, we were super close with them..i confided in the wife of the couple on how to approach my wife with my issue..and then she got mad because of the position in put her in. Now, we havent seen or spoken to them since sept.

The husband wont speak to me either.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

greenthumb95 said:


> With the freinds, we were super close with them..i confided in the wife of the couple on how to approach my wife with my issue..and then she got mad because of the position in put her in. Now, we havent seen or spoken to them since sept.
> 
> The husband wont speak to me either.


Does your wife know why they are now giving you the cold shoulder? They must have given her some reason.


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## greenthumb95 (Apr 20, 2012)

No, she doesnt know. I am assuming that is why they are giving the cold shoulder.


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## greenthumb95 (Apr 20, 2012)

I am so torn on what to do. HELP


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

greenthumb95 said:


> I am so torn on what to do. HELP


I wish I knew what to tell you. I've had sex with my wife maybe 5 times in the last 5 years. I'm no expert. I think with pregnancy you just have to go with the flow. Don't give up communicating with her. Focus on her and the child the two of you are bringing into this world. She is mommy and nothing is more important to her right now than that. Stay involved and don't focus so much on the sex for right now; she may have wild swings in her sex drive. You want to be there for the good times.


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## greenthumb95 (Apr 20, 2012)

I agree with you, and I am trying to as best i can, its just frustrating. I mean, even before she got prego, our sex life was pretty boring, and happened once or twice a month..but yea. idk.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

greenthumb95 said:


> I agree with you, and I am trying to as best i can, its just frustrating. I mean, even before she got prego, our sex life was pretty boring, and happened once or twice a month..but yea. idk.


I can identify with frustrating and it sounds like something the two of you need to work on ... but with pregnancy, all rules go out the window. I do think if you are attentive to your wife's needs right now, there are a lot of intimate (non-sexual) moments that can be had that can build to more sexual moments later on. Your needs are not her priority right now.  You cannot compete with a baby. What you can do is share in the experience and that I am sure, she is more than happy to do with you. Perfect bonding time.


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