# Wife Had an EA and I'm Done



## greyfog (Aug 2, 2012)

So I've got a story to share of my recent experience. I would like to preface this by letting you know that I've been searching Google like crazy at home and work trying to figure out what's going on with current situation, terminology, and ideas or examples of what other people are doing. 

About three weeks ago, my mother-in-law (MIL) came to visit us for 2 ½ weeks. I'm in the military and often get to go to very nice locations. My wife and 17 year old daughter went on my MIL to lots of cool places, wine tastings, tours, etc. while I was working mostly and on the weekend they would squeeze me in to some of the tours to spend time together. Well one day their tour had them out until almost 7PM. I normally get home between 4 & 5. My computer's power supply fried so I had one on order. I arrived home after work and decided to get on the computer for a few and look up some sports, etc. My wife had her facebook account and gmail account open and two chat sessions were open. I don't have a facebook account so I didn't know much about it. My wife created one last September. Apparently, when you chat on facebook via your phone, it automatically posts the chats on your desktop if your account is open. Well there was a more than a friendly chat with a member of the opposite sex going on. She was on a tour bus and messaging this guy. About two months ago she received a message on her phone from a guy and I said who is this?? She played it off and said I'm just connecting with High School freinds and nothing more. My daughter overheard the conversation and said, "Come on dad, it's not like she has a boyfriend or something. Chill out." So I dropped it. But after I read the chat between this guy and my wife, I replied in the chat and told the guy, hey why don't you talk to your own wife that way and not mine. I immediately sent my wife a text with the exact words that the guy used. Something about I wish I was there so you could put your head on my chest or something along those lines. When she got home, she said it's not what you think. It's just friendly flirting. Nothing to worry about. So I went to bed not feeling so hot that night. The next day she says that this guy sent her an email to have me read. It talked about how he's been married for 19 years and that he's always been a flirt and he's known for being the biggest flirt on the block and that I could ask his wife. Additionally, he says that my wife told him that I love to fish and he has a boat and he would love for me, my wife, he and his wife to go out in his boat sometime. He also mentioned that he would love to skype on a Saturday so we could meet our families. And he apologized at the end of the message and said it was "harmless humor" between friends and that they've know each other since before high school. I haven't ever gone into my wife's email, facebook, etc accounts looking for anything but she once again left everything open on her computer the next day. I got up because I couldn't sleep, so I got on the computer and looked in her email account. Once again, I had no idea that when you also get a facebook message that it gets sent to your email account. So I found months of dialog in the trash bin and sent items and a few in the in box. I was heartbroken. When I approached her again and wanted to know what the hell has been going on, she said again, it's just a guy I knew from before high school. I found out that this guy was her prom date in high school and that they actually had a relationship in the past. In the messages she talked about how she’s not so happy in the marriage but she kind of deals with it. In a later email though she asked him to come up with a cover up message stating that their just friends and there is nothing between them and that my wife knows both he and his wife. She told me that she knew both of them but she only actually knows him. She also stated that this will have to be the last email for a while until she gets me settled down and not as upset as I was. There were lots of inappropriate dialog that I would expect between two people in a relationship and not my wife and another man. So, I decided to copy all of the dialogs that I could find into a word document and I forwarded it to everyone in her contact list. This guy is 5,000 miles away so there isn’t any physical relationship yet between them…at least that I know of. I called her dad and let him know immediately (he also received the email) what my intentions were. I said I’m going to divorce your daughter and felt out of respect that I would let you know what I plan on doing. Additionally, I found the guy’s wife’s phone number on 411 and called her on her cell to let her know what her husband of 19 years was doing with my wife. I asked if she wanted the transcripts that I could email them to her but she declined. I told her that I didn’t care whether she wanted them or not but felt the need to let her know what was happening. 

So, I’ve been looking everywhere online for stories, events, and outcomes that are similar to mine. I’m sure many have dealt with similar situations but I have not found any that feel like they cannot and will not accept this sort of emotional affair. My assumption is that if they feel the way I do, there’s no need to post if you already know what you have to do. It’s interesting that I’ve never even heard of the term Emotional Affair but I now use it as if I’m an expert in a few short weeks. My plan is simple. I’m going to dissolve the marriage. I cannot accept this betrayal and I do not want to fix this. Yes, my wife has been rationalizing why she did it but she still doesn’t accept that it was more than what she calls flirting and yes she had plans on continuing the chat, relationship, affair, whatever you want to call it. But when confronted she unfriended him, not blocked, but unfriended him and vowed to make this up by making me the happiest husband alive. I don’t believe it and I know she’s only doing it because of the fear of the unknown of being booted and sent home, where ever that may be. Another final detail, in May she mentioned to her “friend” that if I ever found out about him, I’d kick her out. She was right… Well not to that extreme, I’ll let her figure out where she’s going move her stuff to her location and get her there and we can sign the divorce paperwork in route.

I feel like I must do what’s in my heart. I for one am not going to make excuses about how hard it’s going to be, the advantages of having a wife take care of me and my daughter, the conveniences of marriage. No sir, I am done, because that’s what my heart says from the minute it happened. And for those that think I need time to think it over, I take full responsibility for my actions and my decisions and am more than willing to live with myself afterwards.

So what’s the point you ask? I don’t know. Here is some background information on me. I am an introverted person and I do enjoy spending time alone. I’m on my second marriage and have been married for 10 years. I knew my wife for 2 years prior to marriage. We spoke regularly before and after marriage of the repercussions of betrayal or affairs and we both agreed on these terms. I have been loyal from the start until the very end. If you’re unhappy in a marriage one must either decide to get help or end the relationship and not put the other spouse through torment. It takes two to tango, I realize this. By no way shape or form am I suggesting that I am perfect or innocent in this matter. I think all relationships go through cycles of good and bad much like life itself. But how you deal with these bouts of difficulty define who you are and what you will become. 

I’m a simple man, at least I’d like to think so. I don’t ask for much. My wife always complained that I never “wanted” anything for Father’s Day, B-days or Christmas. It’s the way I am but I don’t mind buying her gifts or whatever she wants. I’m sure many people feel like my actions are extreme but I’d like to think that her actions were extreme and mine are just responsible. Could counseling help reconcile this relationship? I think it could possibly but I am not willing to try nor do I want to be reminded every living day of what my wife has done, what she’s capable of or what she’s going to do next. You see once the trust is gone in a relationship, there is nothing left. I’m not in a marriage solely for the convenience and benefits.

My wife has an undergraduate psychology degree. She’s pretty good at reading people. She also has a knack of calming me down or I guess you can say manipulating me. She has told me on many occasions that was only searching for attention. This is why she searched for her High School prom date online and began a relationship. Although she still claims it wasn’t a relationship and there were never any plans to see each other, etc. She enjoyed the words that were being thrown her way and she reciprocated. Even though she will never admit it, it was an EA. It’s been three weeks of this roller coaster ride and I’m ready to get off of it. Excuse my rambling, just looking to vent to people that can relate…


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

More power to you man. It's a deal breaker for you and you will be having none of it. What does your family thinks about this? Have you been pressured either way?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

What happened to your first marriage?

If you have a clear mind of who you are and what you stand for, then dont give that up.

Your wife is not really into this marriage. Why would she need to flirt with her old boyfriend? She knew your position on betrayal and affair, and yet she does not care.


And yes, it was/is an EA. And they planned together to lie to you.


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## greyfog (Aug 2, 2012)

My family has been supportive and have not judged for either side. They all have made sure to ask me if I have given this enough thought, ensuring that I don't make a decision and then find I can't live it. 

During my first marriage, we both married young (20) and it lasted 4 years. We had one child in which I obtained custody. My current wife hated to deal with my ex because of my daughter. She seemed to always hold that against me but there was nothing I could do to change that fact. 

When you're betrayed, you can't help but wonder was this the first time, how long was she feeling this way, etc. As I mentioned before I am an introvert and tend to bottle a lot of feelings inside. My wife thinks that I'm feeling better now that the relationship is ending. Inside I'm heartbroken and it's very hard to work with this going on. Some of my coworkers have noticed a difference in me I'm a private person and don't really like to divulge to others. This is why posted here...it's my way to anonymously let out what I feel. And if someone can gain some insight from my circumstance that's even better.


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

Sounds similar to my situation. Facebook is the devil. I am not a prison warden. I can't keep my wife from contacting other men. I am a good enough guy that she should want to be with me. If she doesn't, I am not keeping her against her desires. I can fight for her but I cant compete with her lies or her heart. Maybe I missed it with your story but my ex mil was as much toxic to our relationship as the OM. At this point my ex, her sister and the mil are all divorcees. Guess I didn't have a chance.


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## greyfog (Aug 2, 2012)

My MIL is actually very easy to talk to. But ever since I met my wife, I've never really respected my MIL. Just small things like emails that she would share with my wife were inappropriate like sexual jokes, etc. Her Aunt would do the same. Something that a girl and her girlfriend would share not your own mother or aunt. My wife, albiet a long time ago, would frequent bars, clubs, etc. with her mother. I don't think it's appropriate for a mother and daughter to spend time in this fashion. Maybe i'm nitpicky but that's how I've always taken it. I talked to my wife about all of these little things when we dated. I don't think i'm very controlling but I never liked when my wife would be very personal, email or hug other males even if they were from her work. I on the otherhand always make a conscience effort to keep conversations with women that I work with professional. I never get down to a personal level. It was always out of respect..this is referred to as having integrity. Trying to do the right thing when nobody is around to see it. 

More info on my in laws...my MIL is divorced and never remarried. My wife's aunt is divorced and her dad married 3 times. The last marriage began by, get this, chatting online while his current wife was already married... I honestly felt shame the first time I got divorced. My parents have been together almost 50 years. But that was a different time. I'm not saying that all 50 years were perfect but I think almost anything can be worked out...almost anything. With 3 out of every 4 marriages ending in a divorce today, I just don't know why we even try. Society is treating marriage as a dating game much like the celebraties often do. I don't think as a child I ever told myself, I'm going to get married as many times as it takes before I find the right one. That's ludicrous...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Buy your wife a copy of "Not Just Friends" and give it to her.

In the years you've been married has your wife ever traveled alone, in the area of the country this guy lives? They could well have met up.

To be honest, it's very rare for a man to put that much time and thought into a woman that he has no hope of PA with. So I don't by the flirting as harmless stuff. Flirting is advertising availability, and you only advertise when you're thinking of selling.


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

Right my parents are working on 45 together. There is definitely less respect for marriage and I get it in many ways it's right. Women and men aren't property and it's unreasonable to think that you could make a commitment for life at a young age with a short courtship. Look how many relationships fail after 10 years when you only married the last year. Maybe marriage shouldn't be for life but first say 5-10 years, then a mandatory year apart to decide if it's it going to go further. I know it's inconceivable. I never imagined my wife and I would split but this time apart we've had allows me to review and understand how much I actually wanted to get out of the marriage.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Go read over in Copy with Infidelity for a lot more EA stories and exBF stories.


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## greyfog (Aug 2, 2012)

Shaggy,

She just started the FB messaging with him at least since April. We moved here in February and we went to the state where he lives and where my MIL lives during Christmas but we were always together for those two weeks. I actually believe this just started but does it doesn't matter to me if it started 6 mos ago or 6 years ago. For me the EA is equal to the PA.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I respect your boundaries. A person with healthy self respect has to have them. So I'm not suggesting your change your plan.

If it's been in April, then I think you caught the affair early on enough that perhaps it didn't go PA, but if they were already writing those things it would have eventually gone PA. 

there is no place for "flirting" online or otherwise by a Married Person. Unfortunately so many people get sucked into it thinking it's only words online and don't matter, only later to discover it really did matter and they've gotten sucked into a full blown affair.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Grey,
If you don't mind, I want to understand something a bit better about you. Did your W generally treat you well? Did you feel like she made you her highest priority? 

Other than this, did she treat you with respect? Or did she push the edge of the envelope?

Did you get the sense she was with you because she really loved you and was attracted to you, or because she generally liked you, and you were a good provider? 

Did she overall seem happy when you were together? Or was she often complaining about stuff/unhappy? 

As for the EA - were there any messages that referred to plans to physically see each other? 




greyfog said:


> So I've got a story to share of my recent experience. I would like to preface this by letting you know that I've been searching Google like crazy at home and work trying to figure out what's going on with current situation, terminology, and ideas or examples of what other people are doing.
> 
> About three weeks ago, my mother-in-law (MIL) came to visit us for 2 ½ weeks. I'm in the military and often get to go to very nice locations. My wife and 17 year old daughter went on my MIL to lots of cool places, wine tastings, tours, etc. while I was working mostly and on the weekend they would squeeze me in to some of the tours to spend time together. Well one day their tour had them out until almost 7PM. I normally get home between 4 & 5. My computer's power supply fried so I had one on order. I arrived home after work and decided to get on the computer for a few and look up some sports, etc. My wife had her facebook account and gmail account open and two chat sessions were open. I don't have a facebook account so I didn't know much about it. My wife created one last September. Apparently, when you chat on facebook via your phone, it automatically posts the chats on your desktop if your account is open. Well there was a more than a friendly chat with a member of the opposite sex going on. She was on a tour bus and messaging this guy. About two months ago she received a message on her phone from a guy and I said who is this?? She played it off and said I'm just connecting with High School freinds and nothing more. My daughter overheard the conversation and said, "Come on dad, it's not like she has a boyfriend or something. Chill out." So I dropped it. But after I read the chat between this guy and my wife, I replied in the chat and told the guy, hey why don't you talk to your own wife that way and not mine. I immediately sent my wife a text with the exact words that the guy used. Something about I wish I was there so you could put your head on my chest or something along those lines. When she got home, she said it's not what you think. It's just friendly flirting. Nothing to worry about. So I went to bed not feeling so hot that night. The next day she says that this guy sent her an email to have me read. It talked about how he's been married for 19 years and that he's always been a flirt and he's known for being the biggest flirt on the block and that I could ask his wife. Additionally, he says that my wife told him that I love to fish and he has a boat and he would love for me, my wife, he and his wife to go out in his boat sometime. He also mentioned that he would love to skype on a Saturday so we could meet our families. And he apologized at the end of the message and said it was "harmless humor" between friends and that they've know each other since before high school. I haven't ever gone into my wife's email, facebook, etc accounts looking for anything but she once again left everything open on her computer the next day. I got up because I couldn't sleep, so I got on the computer and looked in her email account. Once again, I had no idea that when you also get a facebook message that it gets sent to your email account. So I found months of dialog in the trash bin and sent items and a few in the in box. I was heartbroken. When I approached her again and wanted to know what the hell has been going on, she said again, it's just a guy I knew from before high school. I found out that this guy was her prom date in high school and that they actually had a relationship in the past. In the messages she talked about how she’s not so happy in the marriage but she kind of deals with it. In a later email though she asked him to come up with a cover up message stating that their just friends and there is nothing between them and that my wife knows both he and his wife. She told me that she knew both of them but she only actually knows him. She also stated that this will have to be the last email for a while until she gets me settled down and not as upset as I was. There were lots of inappropriate dialog that I would expect between two people in a relationship and not my wife and another man. So, I decided to copy all of the dialogs that I could find into a word document and I forwarded it to everyone in her contact list. This guy is 5,000 miles away so there isn’t any physical relationship yet between them…at least that I know of. I called her dad and let him know immediately (he also received the email) what my intentions were. I said I’m going to divorce your daughter and felt out of respect that I would let you know what I plan on doing. Additionally, I found the guy’s wife’s phone number on 411 and called her on her cell to let her know what her husband of 19 years was doing with my wife. I asked if she wanted the transcripts that I could email them to her but she declined. I told her that I didn’t care whether she wanted them or not but felt the need to let her know what was happening.
> 
> ...


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Greyfrog, if you hadn't caught this it would still be going, and I believe based on how I've come to understand affairs, she certainly was willing to let it escalate further.

When she said she'd unfriend him and make you the happiest H, it wasn't true remorse, she didn't feel like she did anything wrong and is only afraid of losing you as a provider. She may still be in the fog or perhaps she just doesn't respect or even acknowledge your very jutifiable and reasonable boundary on this - you don't have to look any further than the coping with infidelity section of this forum to see how harmful this continuous and intense "flirting" is to a marriage.

You are on the right track with this - you exposed the truth of her actions/behavior in order to kill the affair, and you have a plan that will keep you out of the limbo. Don't give up all hope, keep looking behind you as you follow through, you can always stop a divorce in an instant if she by chance starts to understand the problem of her ways, but if she can't or won't really accept her wrongdoing it really is a sign of disrespect.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> My MIL is actually very easy to talk to. But ever since I met my wife, I've never really respected my MIL. Just small things like emails that she would share with my wife were inappropriate like sexual jokes, etc. Her Aunt would do the same. Something that a girl and her girlfriend would share not your own mother or aunt. My wife, albiet a long time ago, would frequent bars, clubs, etc. with her mother. I don't think it's appropriate for a mother and daughter to spend time in this fashion. Maybe i'm nitpicky but that's how I've always taken it.


Personally i also find that kinda screwed up, yes...



> I talked to my wife about all of these little things when we dated. I don't think i'm very controlling but I never liked when my wife would be very personal, email or hug other males even if they were from her work. I on the otherhand always make a conscience effort to keep conversations with women that I work with professional. I never get down to a personal level. It was always out of respect..this is referred to as having integrity. Trying to do the right thing when nobody is around to see it.


I have a huge urge to shake your hand mate... You're the man...


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## greyfog (Aug 2, 2012)

MEM11363,

My wife did generally make me her first priority. She called her mom almost every day. I will admit that this kind of irratated me but I lived with it. She thought I was crazy to have an issue with it. It wasn't tha I was jealous per say but I think that your wife should spend more time talking to you than others. She is a social butterfly and befriends EVERYONE. I'm an introvert and she is an extrovert. These last two years or so, we have been arguing more often and getting irratated at each other. We had considered some counseling to bring the arguing down a bit probably a year ago but I kind of blew it off. Now understand that these are two separate things. One can influence the other but it is by no means can justify her actions. If a child doesn't like a teacher because they are tough, rude, harsh, would that be a reason for them to bring a weapon to school? Absolutely not. These are choices we make. She was under her full falculties and she mentioned to her online BF that I would kick her out if I found out about him. 

Lon,

My intentions are not to reconcile. I have mentioned to my parents and my wife that if there was a glimmer of hope of reconciliation, it went out the window when she sent the cover up email to her online BF and told him that they wouldn't be able to talk for a while with a little frowny face. I cannot and will not tolerate this from my spouse. There are consequences to all of our choices and actions in life. This is hers. Let me say that I appreciate everyone lending me thier ears on this matter. My mom has been calling me just wanting me to talk about what's on my mind/in my heart to help move along this transition and this forum has aided me more than you can know. Thanks everyone.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

greyfog said:


> MEM11363,
> I have mentioned to my parents and my wife that if there was a glimmer of hope of reconciliation, it went out the window when she sent the cover up email to her online BF and told him that they wouldn't be able to talk for a while with a little frowny face.


I understand this 100% as didn't she also imply to OM that she could control you when she said she had to get you "settled down" before resuming contact.Glad you're doing what you need to do for yourself.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I read this again. 

I agree - she knew she was betting the marriage. 

The getting you "settled down" comment is frightening when read a few times in a row. 

The FB with a prom date she had some sort of physical relationship with in the past - is not innocent and can't be pawned off as such. 





greyfog said:


> So I've got a story to share of my recent experience. I would like to preface this by letting you know that I've been searching Google like crazy at home and work trying to figure out what's going on with current situation, terminology, and ideas or examples of what other people are doing.
> 
> About three weeks ago, my mother-in-law (MIL) came to visit us for 2 ½ weeks. I'm in the military and often get to go to very nice locations. My wife and 17 year old daughter went on my MIL to lots of cool places, wine tastings, tours, etc. while I was working mostly and on the weekend they would squeeze me in to some of the tours to spend time together. Well one day their tour had them out until almost 7PM. I normally get home between 4 & 5. My computer's power supply fried so I had one on order. I arrived home after work and decided to get on the computer for a few and look up some sports, etc. My wife had her facebook account and gmail account open and two chat sessions were open. I don't have a facebook account so I didn't know much about it. My wife created one last September. Apparently, when you chat on facebook via your phone, it automatically posts the chats on your desktop if your account is open. Well there was a more than a friendly chat with a member of the opposite sex going on. She was on a tour bus and messaging this guy. About two months ago she received a message on her phone from a guy and I said who is this?? She played it off and said I'm just connecting with High School freinds and nothing more. My daughter overheard the conversation and said, "Come on dad, it's not like she has a boyfriend or something. Chill out." So I dropped it. But after I read the chat between this guy and my wife, I replied in the chat and told the guy, hey why don't you talk to your own wife that way and not mine. I immediately sent my wife a text with the exact words that the guy used. Something about I wish I was there so you could put your head on my chest or something along those lines. When she got home, she said it's not what you think. It's just friendly flirting. Nothing to worry about. So I went to bed not feeling so hot that night. The next day she says that this guy sent her an email to have me read. It talked about how he's been married for 19 years and that he's always been a flirt and he's known for being the biggest flirt on the block and that I could ask his wife. Additionally, he says that my wife told him that I love to fish and he has a boat and he would love for me, my wife, he and his wife to go out in his boat sometime. He also mentioned that he would love to skype on a Saturday so we could meet our families. And he apologized at the end of the message and said it was "harmless humor" between friends and that they've know each other since before high school. I haven't ever gone into my wife's email, facebook, etc accounts looking for anything but she once again left everything open on her computer the next day. I got up because I couldn't sleep, so I got on the computer and looked in her email account. Once again, I had no idea that when you also get a facebook message that it gets sent to your email account. So I found months of dialog in the trash bin and sent items and a few in the in box. I was heartbroken. When I approached her again and wanted to know what the hell has been going on, she said again, it's just a guy I knew from before high school. I found out that this guy was her prom date in high school and that they actually had a relationship in the past. In the messages she talked about how she’s not so happy in the marriage but she kind of deals with it. In a later email though she asked him to come up with a cover up message stating that their just friends and there is nothing between them and that my wife knows both he and his wife. She told me that she knew both of them but she only actually knows him. She also stated that this will have to be the last email for a while until she gets me settled down and not as upset as I was. There were lots of inappropriate dialog that I would expect between two people in a relationship and not my wife and another man. So, I decided to copy all of the dialogs that I could find into a word document and I forwarded it to everyone in her contact list. This guy is 5,000 miles away so there isn’t any physical relationship yet between them…at least that I know of. I called her dad and let him know immediately (he also received the email) what my intentions were. I said I’m going to divorce your daughter and felt out of respect that I would let you know what I plan on doing. Additionally, I found the guy’s wife’s phone number on 411 and called her on her cell to let her know what her husband of 19 years was doing with my wife. I asked if she wanted the transcripts that I could email them to her but she declined. I told her that I didn’t care whether she wanted them or not but felt the need to let her know what was happening.
> 
> ...


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

greyfog, just seconding Shaggy's recommendation of the book, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

You don't have to defend your choice to leave the marriage if an emotional affair is a dealbreaker for you. You are absolutely right, reading that email she send the OM basically signalled that her loyalties were with HIM and that they would just have to figure out how to take the affair underground.

On the subject of MIL, married individuals going out to bars for boys' night out or girls' night out (GNO's) is generally a bad idea. Bars are by definition pickup joints and with alcohol in the mix many stupid things happen. They are fine for a couple to go to together, but otherwise it's just asking for trouble. When you add in the sexual jokes from the MIL and aunt, it wouldn't surprised me if they had an attitude and atmosphere of egging each other on in environments like that. I will let imagination fill in the blanks here. The underlying message, even if never spoken aloud, is that it's okay to have some fun on the side.

It's not uncommon for cheaters to have toxic friends who encourage their behavior--but it's really sad if it's the MIL and her sister. The truth is that if you were to reconcile, that would need to mean an end to GNOs, and new boundaries would need to be drawn up where MIL is concerned. While she might be willing to unfriend the OM (but apparently, not BLOCK him), she almost surely won't do what it takes where her own mom is concerned.

I'm sorry this happened, but realize that not everyone has such clear-cut evidence as you do of betrayal. While it hurts like crazy, better to see it in writing than to always wonder what went on between them.


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## greyfog (Aug 2, 2012)

I do appreciate the views from everyone that has posted. There is absolutely no way that I feel I could reconcile as some of you have stated it’s a deal breaker for me. But I also appreciate the different perspectives just the same. Let me point out that my wife was doing that when we first dated and I don’t know how long before that she had been. But I will say, I voiced my displeasure and not to mention since my wife was always with me and we didn’t live close to her mom, it really didn’t become an issue. And now the MIL is in early 60s. My wife hasn’t gone on a GNO in probably 4-5 years so from that standpoint not much to mention. I’ll say that my wife has been good to me for the 10-12 years we’ve been together. She asked me the other day how I could just throw away the last 10 years. I replied oh, it wasn’t me whose thrown it all away. She kept pointing out that we’ve invested so much together and I agreed but that is of no consequence to me and she doesn’t get it I guess. Is there a level of convenience, security, etc. but I’m not one to stay in a relationship for that. It’s just not worth it to me. I’ve read that some want to stay together for the kids, finances, hell even to just be taken care of. Everything past the point of betrayal and conspiracy to continue the online relationship is a moot point to me but I would like to give you a clear picture. After I mentioned to my wife couple days ago or week ago…time seems to stand still when you go through something like this. The last three weeks seem like it’s been 2-3 months. Anyway I mentioned that she hadn’t blocked the guy and she played dumb and said oh, I didn’t know you could do that or something along those lines. Of course she was lying. But I checked, don’t know why, yesterday and noticed that she had one blocked person and it was him. She also sent an email to this guy stating to never contact her again and that this chatting has destroyed her marriage. She leaves her email open so at this point I don’t believe anything that she purposely leaves in there. Even if it’s true, I don’t care. It’s too late for me. What I don’t understand though is that she had been chatting on facebook with this guy and they both have each other’s email so really blocking him on facebook would trully only a small step. She also has another email account (hotmail) in which she does not ever leave open… I will admit that I have been cold and numb since I found out what has transpired. My wife says how can you just sit there and be so ok with this. Well, I am composed at home but my mind grows tired when I’m at work and not to mention my heart did have an ache that has subsided as every day passes. I have sat down with her a couple of times but the lies that I hear just makes me angry inside. And after all, what’s the point, my mind is set on what I have to do. Do I have to hear why she did it? Or why she didn’t view it as badly as I did and how she never thought it was a big deal because it wasn’t physical and she was only looking for attention? Like I said what’s the point? Well, I just wanted to hear her confess that what she did was cheating, even last night she shrugged it off and said yeah right, I cheated. One of her friends messaged her that they think that this was just an excuse for me to leave her. Ok, you got me, this is a pretty good excuse. But if I was approached and whatever issues were exposed we could have had a chance to fix those problems but once you cross the line, it’s just too late for me. Everyone is different. We all view these incidents in our own perspectives. For some it’s an easy thing to move on from things like this but truly impossible for me. And I don’t feel bad for making my decision because it’s not one that I just randomly came up with. My wife knew the consequences. Here’s her statement to her online BF: ” No, he doesn't even know. He has his own computer and he thinks FB is stupid so he doesn't have an account. If he knew about you, I'm sure he would kick me out, he'd have a fit”


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> ” No, he doesn't even know. He has his own computer and he thinks FB is stupid so he doesn't have an account. If he knew about you, I'm sure he would kick me out, he'd have a fit”


There you have it then. She knew the consequences, she knew what she was doing was far from ok. She disregarded all that and still went on with it.

Then, when confronted she sent that email basically claiming she would tame you down and later continue the behavior.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Grey,

It may be helpful (for you) to sit down one last time and talk to her about these things.

When she says everything is "different" now, you can ask to look at all correspondence - right now.

Phone
Facebook
Email
Hotmail

All of it.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

greyfog said:


> My wife hasn’t gone on a GNO in probably 4-5 years so from that standpoint not much to mention.


But I think you say they go on multi-day trips together? Somehow I doubt that they have a prim little early dinner and then go to bed after a little tv. But that is neither here nor there now.





> She leaves her email open so at this point I don’t believe anything that she purposely leaves in there. Even if it’s true, I don’t care.
> 
> *****
> 
> She also has another email account (hotmail) in which she does not ever leave open…


Well, there you have it. You KNOW she has a second email account that you aren't privvy too. What more is there to know?

Even though you are so sure about divorce, you seem to feel a need to justify yourself. Are you sure you're not more conflicted? That's okay, too. But again, you don't have to justify this choice. She has broken her marriage vows, no doubt about it. And no, she is not behaving in a trustworthy manner, and right this minute you'd have to have your head screwed on backwards to think otherwise.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

What have you done so far?

Have you spoken to lawyers? Have you filed a divorce action?

Have you separated your finances from hers? Have you remove yourself from joint bank accounts, loans? Have you remove her as beneficiary from your insurance?

Just curious how far along you are in terminating this marriage.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Do you have a keylogger on her computer? Maybe her other email has also blocked OM? Knowing this will remove any doubt you may have.


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## greyfog (Aug 2, 2012)

Aug,

I contacted some lawyers but haven't hired any. The state of Florida allows for a simplified dissolution of marriage petition which means if we agree on everything ourselves, we can sign the forms, get them notorized and show up to court without a lawyer. That's the plan right now. I'm giving her time to find a job stateside, figure out what she wants to take and ship her stuff to wherever she wants. All of these things are like dominoes unfortunately. I'm just giving her a little time. As far as joint accounts, we don't have any. We don't have any credit cards that we share. I only have a car loan that her name is on and we just sold a house recently that we were both on. Financially, as far as shared bills, is easy. It's goint to depend if she wants to attack my pension and investment accounts. She hasn't pointed to that yet but it's definitely an option for her.

Keko,

I tried installing 3 different keyloggers and they all gave me issues. On one occassion you couldn't even type because the lagg time was so bad. On other occassions they would error out and the screen would show up, which wouldn't be a good thing. But at this point, yeah I might be curious, but it's not going to change anything. Would anything surprise me...nope. She still swears up and down that she wasn't cheating and that she didn't look at it that way. She's lying. It only helps my decision easier if you ask me. Don't get me wrong, this is an easy decision but a painful one at the same time. I think even if your relationship is bad and two people are at each others throats, ending a relationship is still a hard thing to do. I read so many posts where you read the pain people go through, regardless of uniqueness of the situation. 

Iheartlife,

I don't think I mentioned that my MIL and wife go on multiday trips, if i did it was inaccurate. All of the multiday trips that she's gone on i've usually been with her. I'm beginning to understand that there is a level of excitement when people secretly do things. The potential of getting caught arouses the brain, much like gambling. You could lose all of your money but you have a chance of winning x amount. Of course in each case the emotional bad feeling outweighs the temporary good feeling one can have. And then the act becomes more habitual in an attempt to get that same feeling. I've also read that cheating, EA or PA, can happen in any type of marriage be it a happy or struggling one. We're all susceptible. None of us are perfect, far from it. All of us don't get everything we want, the way we want it, when we want it, how we want it. But that is not an excuse to choose and EA/PA. I guess i'm reitterating what we all already know. 

Conrad, 

I've looked at her facebook (still have access), her gmail, her phone is international so she can't call or text without enourmous fees to the states. The only account I haven't seen is the hotmail, nor have I asked to see it. The point is she probably has smartened up and cleared everything and is probably deleting her sent messages, trash bin, etc. What aches most of us in this simular situation is that you begin to wonder how many times or how many situations has she been in to where this happened in the past. That's something i'll never know and probably for the best. You never know what you partner is doing at work either in person or via work email accounts. My guess is that there were any contacts that she thought I may disapprove of at home, she probably did them at work. I hate to paint this horrible picture of my wife across our whole marriage because I only know of this one incident but I have to say it makes you wonder. Trust is not only the foundation to a relationship, it's everything in a bond between a man and a woman.  You go to work with a sense of security because of this trust. You count on this trust when you go through hard times. You come home expecting it to be there. When you know it's gone, everything that you do is affected and it shows. 

I can't say this enough but thank you for helping me cope with this significant life event that i'm going through. Me being here on this forum expressing my deepest feelings are something I've never done or imagined I could do. I think i've mentioned before, i'm usually a very private person but the anonymity certainly makes it possible.


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## greyfog (Aug 2, 2012)

Iheartlife,

You're right, it does seem as though i'm trying to justify my actions. Is there doubt, yes there is. But all I have to do is reread the dialog between my wife and the OM and i'm back on track. It's just as I mentioned previously that my therapy is releasing my feelings to a group that knows where i'm coming from. Yes, it's nice receiving reassurance that i'm doing what i should do but that's now why i'm here. If there is another perspective i'd like to listen. I found myself in a few posts earlier when someone hinted toward reconciliation that I responded with a "no chance of that happening", but don't let it stop you from saying what's on your mind.

I've made my decision. I know it was mostly an emotional one, at first, so no i'm trying to remove all doubt so I want to look at the situation from each angle and ensure that I see the same outcome. It's for my sanity and not to justify it to anyone else.


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## greyfog (Aug 2, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Grey,
> 
> It may be helpful (for you) to sit down one last time and talk to her about these things.
> 
> ...


I've attempted several times to go over the messages that i archived. I will admit that each time I got angry as I read them aloud and she would practically dismiss the statement and say it was just chatting or flirting or whatever. She enjoyed the playful banter between the two. The only email message that I found was the cover up email. Other than that most of the contact was throught facebook. I can't tell you of any more emails because I found none, but I do acknowledge that this doesn't mean there were none. The contact on the phone was always through FB since we're overseas. I would immediately see crazy charges on the phone bill if there were calls or text messages between them. 

I think there is a possibility that she is remorseful at this point but it no way definitive. Afterall, she did plan on contacting him again. And there was an acknowledged cover up between the two so i'm sure it would be ok for her to block him from facebook and send the "don't ever contact me again" email and i'm sure he would understand the situation...just wait until this blows over. The chats never insinuated a planned physical meeting since there are 5000 miles between them but you could feel the tension in the messages such as after a comment from the other male,"don't make me go pop on an airplane and come over there and sweep you off of your feet", my wife responded with, "I won't because you're married so that definitely won't happen but the thought sounds lovely." This is just one small example of the many pages of dialog between them. Everything happens in this life for a reason, my friend. The man upstairs has a plan for all of us. As much as I wasn't excited to see my MIL, it was a blessing in disguise as I wouldn't have accidentally found the message the way I did...


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