# Intimacy Anorexia



## Cluna2747 (Nov 8, 2020)

I’ve been with my husband for 15 years. Out of the 15 years, we’ve been married 6 years. Out of the 6 years, my husband said he’s been unhappy in our marriage for 3 years. It started after I had a hysterectomy. I gained weight and lost all interest in sex. I was not happy with myself and I felt less of a woman. He always did his best to help me feel good. It was just me. He has talked to me about this issue I had several times but it just never sank in my head. I still had this issue with the hysterectomy side effects. He tolerated it. He would try to kiss me or hold me and because of my issues, I didn’t realize that I had neglected him. Yes, I am intimate with him but not as often and as he put it, it was like a chore. Just recently, 3 weeks to be exact. He was at the property we purchased on a Saturday night. His phone called me. I missed the call, because in some points of the area, there is no signal. On Sunday morning I noticed I had a message from him on my voicemail. I played it back and my heart sank to the floor. He was with another woman. I listened to their conversation and at some point he is talking to her as if there was a thing between them. Then you can tell they are kissing. I called him immediately and woke him up. I made him come home. She did not stay over night because he was on the phone with me the whole time he was driving home. Getting home, I asked him who and what the hell was going on. He sat in silence for a few minutes. I confronted him with the message on my phone. He didn’t deny that there was someone. In fact, he told me that he has mentioned to me before that he was not happy in our marriage and that he loved me but was not in love with me. He confessed that he had been seeing her for two months. He says he’s not in love with her. He then asked me “where do we go from here?”
I told him that he hurt me to the core of my spirit. I trusted him with my life.
He says that he got accustomed to the way we were living and he knows that it was not right to go outside the marriage. He did apologize for cheating on me. But he does not want to work on our marriage. He said that because of my issues, we became disconnected. I cried all night.
I know that God has brought me to my knees to see that I have to change my ways. I see this as an eye opener.
I want to fight for my marriage but he doesn’t want to anymore. I wanted to just leave the house but he doesn’t want me to leave with no place to go. I was going to sleep in the guest bedroom but he said to continue to sleep where we sleep. I don’t understand why, but I have been sleeping in our bed. God has put it in my heart to forgive him and to see this as a time for change and closeness. He has also put it in my heart to forgive this other woman.
I told my husband that I can forgive him but we just need to work on our marriage. He continues to say he can’t give me the chance to try to work it out. But yet, he doesn’t want me to leave and I still sleep in the same bed. He said he stopped all communication with this woman. He said that recently she was told that he was married, but she didn’t care. He told her that he had to take care of what’s going on at home. Since this happened, it has awakened me to want to be intimate as often with my husband, show him the affection he so much wants. He just doesn’t believe that this ordeal has changed me. I do want my husband and want my marriage. I have been intimate with him at least three times and i feel the woman I had suppressed has come back to life. Why can’t he see that? I initiate the intimacy and when he is giving in to me, he tells me that he doesn’t want me to have any expectations. Why can’t he see that this has awakened me deep inside?
He tries to make me think that I’ll be fine and I will get over our marriage with no problems.
I told him that if he didn’t want to work it out then there is no point in staying in the house and be okay. Again, he tells me that he is not throwing me out and he is not giving a time limit to move out.
Is he watching to see if this really changed me and he is not telling me?
And if he wants a divorce, why hasn’t he filed for one?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

So you're saying that your husband pocket dialed you, and left a message, while he was talking to and getting frisky with another woman?

You and your husband both have faults, but that doesn't give him a free pass to cheat on you. If he was that unhappy then he should have divorced you, not found another woman to have sex with. He doesn't get a free pass so you need to stop giving him one. 

I wouldn't believe for a minute that he has called off the affair, they probably just took it further underground. He isn't going to have any interest in repairing his marriage if he's living a fantasy life with his AP. 

I don't know why he's doing the things he's doing. We can speculate until the cows come home but only your husband knows the answers. What benefits does he have to staying unhappily married to you, and continuing his affair? Probably financial, maybe children (if you have them), maintaining the status quo, etc. 

Regardless, you need to stop giving him a free pass and be firm that if he refuses to work on the marriage then it's over. Then follow through. Stop sleeping in the same room. Look up the 180. Lawyer up and do what the lawyer tells you. Do not leave the marital home without talking to a lawyer first. 

If your husband didn't cheat, then I'd be all for you working to prove to him that you are going to put in the work and waiting for him to be ready. That's not your situation though. He did cheat and that changes things. He doesn't even sound remorseful. He sounds like he is totally checked out. If you do decide to "give him time to come around", then you need to put a time limit on it. Say, 3 months. If nothing has changed then it's time to go.

As for wanting to have sex with him all of a sudden, you're most likely experiencing hysterical bonding and it doesn't last forever.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

* Cluna2747 *

When I was in a sex starved marriage the sex therapist that helped save our marriage, asked my wife what she thought would happen if we never had sex again? After a lot of avoidance my wife finally admitted that we would probably divorce. The Sex Therapist then asked me if I had ever thought of divorce. I said yes, in fact I had looked up the divorce laws in our state and figured out a time line between filing for divorce and having it finalized. I also told them that I had made a promise to myself that by a certain birthday, I would be in a loving sexual relationship with a woman and while I would work to save our marriage, if my wife could not give me the loving sexual relationship I needed, I would divorce her in time to achieve my promise to myself.

You have realized what you did to harm your marriage. What you did was horrible. What your husband did was also horrible and not honorable. Two wrongs don't make a right. You say you want to fight for your marriage and that you are willing to make changes to achieve that. Wonderful.

Unfortunately, your H also needs to commit to changing himself and commit to saving the marriage. If he won't do that you have limited options.

If I were you I would insist that your H and you both get tested for STI's. It really doesn't matter what he says he did or did not do. Then you may wish to tell him that you are committed to trying to save the marriage if he will commit to that as well. If he agrees, then get some marriage counseling from someone who is good. If they don't seem to be doing beneficial things ask for a referral to another counselor. If he won't agree to marriage counseling, get some individual therapy to work through some of your issues with you hysterectomy and feeling of being cheated on. Then I would advise you to get MW Davis book Divorce Busting on ways that some women who thought they were headed to divorce figured out how to rebuild their marriage.

Good luck. As hard as it may seem at some point you will need to get over your anger of betrayal and forgive him otherwise it will be a cross you will have to bear for the rest of your life. Move forward or move on.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

He tries to make me think that I’ll be fine and I will get over our marriage with no problems.

This tells me that he believes you really didn't care about him/marriage by way you have been acting. 

Go to wellness center if your gyn. Does nit feel comfortable with HRT. My wife has been on compounded Testosterone and Progesterone as well as estrodial for 9 yrs after hystorectomy. Dont let Dr tell you that you dont need it. You are replacing what used to be there.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

looks like he has checked out of this marriage. And feeling guilty, he doesn't want to throw you out, but it is pretty obvious he doesn;t want to continue .


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He pushed his balls up the hill in hoping to convince you to be happily intimate.

You declined, so did his hope for a better, intimate future with you.

Once his pushed balls crested the hill, they found themselves hurling downward on their own. There is no getting them back.

Why did he cheat with a woman he had no love for?

Hard to say. He was hard put, needed relief.

He did wrong to you, as his wife, his marriage, his hard fought case, and, of course, to his pointing hard South, moral compass.

Some men will not be denied release. They cheat.

The biological imperative is known to demand that seeds get themselves released and planted. At any moral cost.

OP, you choose to overlook his cheating, most would not.

It is said that, "once a wife is done, she is done".

Husband's can also find themselves being this crispy done. Burned up on the inside.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I have to confess, I am kind of identifying with your H in this. Maybe I can offer some insight from another side. 

My wife has not had a hysterectomy but she has had a variety of health issues and hormonal issues and is post menopausal and on a variety of medications etc etc. 

I can honestly say that she is a completely different person that she was before menopause and meds and hormonal changes. If you have ever seen the old black and white sci fi movie, "Invasion of the Body Snatchers," She is like the people who have be replaced by the pod people that look like their human counterparts and have their memories but are devoid of the emotions and desires and ambitions of the humans they replaced.

Unfortunately hysterectomies can also have similar effects on libido and desire and emotional as well as sexual response. To him, you may be like another woman that has moved into your body and is living with him. The woman that originally connected with him and innately desired him and had an actual yearning to be with him is now gone :-( 

I can also understand his seeming to think you will be fine without him as that is also how I feel in reference to my wife now. I think she would be perfectly happy to be in her own house and she would likely be happy to be with some guy that does not have my sexual appetite and style. She is different person that does not 'click' with me anymore, but she my connect just fine and be much happier with a man with much less libido and sexual interest than me. 

But at the same time, I have no ill will towards her and I would want her to be ok and not suffer any unnecessary angst or discomfort. And while I am heartbroken that the woman that I fell in love with no longer loves or desires me the way she used to, on a certain level I would want her to be happy and content and be with someone that her current incarnation connects with now. 

So I do see where he is coming from with that. My guess is he sees you like I see my wife and feel like you may be better off with someone that you connect with now in your current state.

My guess is he isn't quite to the point of cutting the cord with you quite yet as divorce and moving on to a new life takes time and effort and he simply doesn't want either of you being negatively impacted any more than necessary and is thinking it will be better to just ease into it incrementally over time rather than having everything blow up and each of you are scrambling to move out and find other places right away. 

And he may also be feathering his nest with this OW or even looking for someone else while this is going on. 

You will have to decide what is and what is not acceptable to you in regards to living with him while he searches for someone else.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Cluna2747 said:


> . Since this happened, it has awakened me to want to be intimate as often with my husband, show him the affection he so much wants. He just doesn’t believe that this ordeal has changed me. I do want my husband and want my marriage. I have been intimate with him at least three times and i feel the woman I had suppressed has come back to life. Why can’t he see that? I initiate the intimacy and when he is giving in to me, he tells me that he doesn’t want me to have any expectations. Why can’t he see that this has awakened me deep inside?


What you are describing here is a classic case of "Hysterical Bonding." You can look it up for further info and definition etc. 

But in a nutshell it is a deep and instinctive response in an attempt to reestablish a sexual connection within a relationship when one has strayed. 

It can be intense (hence the term 'hysterical') but the catch is it is only temporary. 

And often times when the Hysterical Bonding comes to end, everything falls into the abyss. 

Like some of the other posters have already stated, I think you H has checked out. 

It's not a simple equation of "she hasn't had sex enough with me lately, so now that she is putting out, all is well now." 

It's not like that. He may see you as a different person now and has checked out of the relationship and you could lay him like tile 5 times a day for the next 3 weeks and it won't change anything. It's kind of like someone that has put on 100lbs over several years. They are not going to lose all that extra weight in a matter of weeks no matter how many hours a day they work out or how much they starve themselves. It took years and years to put on and it will likely take a year or more to take off. Same principle here. 

My recommendation is to see if he will enter into professional marital counseling with you and see if a professional can help offer some therapies and such to address this.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Young at Heart said:


> * Cluna2747 *
> 
> 
> 
> You have realized what you did to harm your marriage. What you did was horrible. What your husband did was also horrible and not honorable. Two wrongs don't make a right.


That's too harsh. 

She did not choose this and her response and the changes that she underwent were not intentional. 

Often times the doctors won't even address the issues that will occur with a hysterectomy and won't take proactive steps to address it or treat it unless the patient herself comes forward and asks for help. 

she may not have even been made aware that this could happen. The medical community itself bears some accountability for this. 

Attraction and desire and libido etc are not choices. It's not something that we ourselves can consciously determine. 

She even indicated that she DID try to meet his needs and did try to engage in sexual relations with him.... he simply missed her innate desire and passion that she used to have prior to her surgery.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> That's too harsh.
> 
> She did not choose this and her response and the changes that she underwent were not intentional.
> 
> ...


But there are many women and men who do not care and think there is nothing wrong, and their spouse just needs to accept that. Problem is it is wrong to force that on a spouse just because the other spouse will not go get fixed what is off, ie. drop in hormone lwvels due to hystorectomy or menopause or Low T in men.

As a person whose LL is physical intimacy at about the 3rd day mark i start to go off the rails and feel like im drifting apart emotionally from my wife. If she does not catch it i feel like she does not care. Usually if i have not initiated by 3rd or 4th day she does now. If she had not qent to Dr then we probably qould not remain married as i would feel abandoned emotionally and be very resentful by that time. Thankfully the Chief Oncologist at the Baylor Women's Cancer Center started her on HRT immediately. Said the body produced it before so it needs to be replaced, testosterone, progesterone and estrodial


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Some women get neutered by hysterectomy, some men by prostatectomies.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Some women get neutered by hysterectomy, some men by prostatectomies.


Sadly some choose to remain that way and refuse to seek any help to possibly change their situation.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

The problem here for your relationship is TRUST -- your husband doesn't trust in the changes you are showing him. The lack of sexual intimacy meant something more than just SEX for him, I believe - he may have looked at it as though you didn't care about HIM and his needs anymore on a fundamental level. So he doesn't just want sex from you, he wants to be CARED about, he wants to feel like a man who is with a partner who is attracted to him and thinks HE is special. He felt REJECTED by you...and being rejected by the person you love and want is excruciatingly painful - as you are seeing now for yourself.

And after all the time you spent focused on your own needs and brushing his aside (and I understand why), he no longer TRUSTS in your feelings for HIM. And that trust is VERY difficult to rebuild once it's gone...I'm sad to say that. 
Also, the fact that you expect him to snap back to you after three times of having sex makes me wonder if you are even now focusing on what HE needs from you to restore that trust - it's going to take ALOT more than three times. He's not looking for SEX...he's looking for a stable connection and true desire.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Cluna2747 said:


> I told him that he hurt me to the core of my spirit. I trusted him with my life.


That's the only part I don't understand. How did he hurt you? You weren't having sex or being affectionate at all. There was no intimate relationship, so how was he unfaithful to you? There wasn't anything to be faithful to

I'm sorry to sound insensitive, but it's something I've always wondered about. Every woman who refuses to be intimate with their husband ends up hurt and feeling he betrayed her when he has an affair. The first thing they cry is "He cheated on me!" but how is that cheating? I don' t understand how that is defined as betrayal. There was no physical relationship, so what did he betray? How is it cheating? How can you say you "trusted him with your life" when that essentially boils down to trusting he would spend his life without sex ever again? You're not the judge, you don't get to sentence him to life imprisonment. But since you did, how is it betrayal for him to refuse the life sentence?

How is it that women think it's okay to be neglectful and then claim they didn't realize they were neglectful? You weren't having sex or being intimate. How is that not neglectful? How did you not realize you weren't having sex or being intimate?

I understand you don't want your marriage to end, but I don't understand how he hurt you. Put into proper perspective, he didn't do anything to you. You did it to him. The only thing I fault him for is not getting divorced before being with other women even though I get that he needed to be with someone. It's nice though that he's being gracious about the divorce.

He's right, you know. You will be fine. It's just hard to accept right now, but it gets easier and you will be okay. I realize you hoped someone might have some suggestions that will help you to change his mind, but I doubt anything will change his mind. You might want to see your doctor or a therapist to help you get through this extremely difficult time. There are medications they can prescribe in low doses. Try not to reject that suggestion because it really can help.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Cluna2747 said:


> He would try to kiss me or hold me and because of my issues, I didn’t realize that I had neglected him. Yes, I am intimate with him but not as often and as he put it, it was like a chore. Just recently, 3 weeks to be exact.


I probably should not be commenting on this thread due to being somewhat triggered and biased , but I want to say this to see if it adds some perspective from the other side - 

I want to be with someone that has an innate desire and attraction and wants to be with me - even during the days and times we aren’t having sex.

I know men are often portrayed as horndogs that only care about getting their rocks off and that they will be fine if they get tossed a bone now and then and are able to get their penises into a vagina.

But that is not how most normal, average guys actually operate. 

It’s heartbreaking to try to kiss the one you love to have her reflexively stiffen up, turn her body away and turn her cheek,, then after a few moments of thought about it, give a quick shallow smack like you’d kiss you distant aunt that wears too much nasty perfume at Christmas. 

It’s heartbreaking when it’s a chore for someone to love you and touch you. 

And for me, at least, having someone think 3 weeks is “recent” is tantamount to not wanting to at all. 

Some people are perfectly ok with a marriage being a domestic partnership and legally recognized roommate arrangement without any passion or desire or sexual intimacy. 

Others need that passion and intimacy in order to be in an exclusive domestic partnership. 

I know this isn’t what you signed up for or would have chosen, but your H sounds checked out but yet willing to work with you to make it as peaceful less destructive transition as possible.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> It’s heartbreaking to try to kiss the one you love to have her reflexively stiffen up, turn her body away and turn her cheek,, then after a few moments of thought about it, give a quick shallow smack like you’d kiss you distant aunt that wears too much nasty perfume at Christmas.
> 
> It’s heartbreaking when it’s a chore for someone to love you and touch you.


IME, it was mix of heartbreaking and disorienting the first time or two it happened in my marriage. After that, it became more and more informative, enlightening. 

It brought the sort of knowledge I could not allow myself to evade, even if I had wanted to.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

PieceOfSky said:


> IME, it was mix of heartbreaking and disorienting the first time or two it happened in my marriage. After that, it became more and more informative, enlightening.
> 
> It brought the sort of knowledge I could not allow myself to evade, even if I had wanted to.


I think there is almost nothing worse than feeling lonely WHILE married (or in a relationship)...it's soul-sucking and trust-destroying.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Well first of all, I was cringing every time you said you wanted to do something but he said not to so you just went along with it. Good grief. He's not the boss of you. And he's a cheater. 

the other thought I had is that your doctor gave you the hysterectomy without giving you hormone replacement? Your desperation that is making you want to have sex with your husband right now is not going to last. 

He is now enjoying variety sex with all the perks of having a wife take care of him so he has no reason to want to change or work on anything. Unfortunately since you haven't even stood your ground on the most simplest small issues I don't see you standing it on this either. Unless you get a backbone, he's just going to do whatever he wants to do and stay with you for as long as he wants to and feel free to leave if it reaches a point where he meets someone he'd rather be with. 

Sorry to be harsh, but you are just letting somebody kick you around here. I think you should put yourself into counseling and then if he ever wants to join you, fine.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

Honestly as someone who lived in a sex starved marriage, I dont blame your husband. I never cheated but to constantly be put off sexually and having to force your spouse to want to have sex is miserable. I spent 16 years in hell without sex. I didnt cheat but I can totally understand your husband finally throwing in the towel and moving on. You want to live in a sexless state great. But dont get another person involved in your dysfunction.


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