# Confident Vulnerability



## fredthecalzone (Jan 7, 2011)

So been reading a fair bit on here, and meshing with my own reflections, and here's my thought:

The KEY that everyone is talking about is confidence manifested in vulnerability.

Folks who feel they are worthy of love become confident that who they are is lovable. In turn, they allow that to flow out from them naturally - they display emotion, desire, compassion, etc naturally. They have good boundaries, because they know are decent people who don't deserve to be treated like crap, and know they are capable of being happy and valuable on their own, with or without the devaluer. 

They are also comfortable with imperfection because they value themselves as they are and so are able to value others as they are in the midst of their imperfections. Others don't have to be perfect because they don't need the other to be happy / valuable.

This makes them able and willing to stand up for themselves, but also able to empathize with another, forgive, and see and own their own mistakes.

The disconnected man is not confident of being worthy of love, and so hides behind emotional invulnerability and a facade of strength. Works ok early, but breaks down in marriage.

The nice man is not confident of being worthy of love, and so tries to control through niceness. "She has to accept me if I'm nice!". Me alone isn't enough. So I have to add "niceness" to the equation to make it equal. Desires dies, the woman feels his insecurity, and the respect is gone.

The controlling woman is not confident of being worthy of love, and so does the same things as the nice man or nags and exerts pressure to bring up her security level. After a while, the guy feels smothered and dashes for the door.

I posit (for the sake of argument and discussion) that confident vulnerability is the one key to relationship for both men and women. 

Men who are confidently vulnerable will be strong without being distant and secure leaders while remaining connected and sensitive. Women who are confidently vulnerable will be alluring without being needy and independent without being critical / shut down. 

Hurts / fears / childhood training either shows us we're worthy of love even in our imperfection and helps us to be confidently vulnerable or shows us that parts of us are so bad they aren't worthy of love (usually its some of both). In the places we don't feel worthy of love, we don't manifest confident vulnerability - instead we manifest control in all its forms (neediness, clinginess, detachment, rage, criticalness, fantasizing, the list is endless).

Trick with this is that there's no mental / emotional judo to force this. Trying to do the things that a confidently vulnerable person does without actually being confident is an easily seen through facade. Which is why the only way to make a struggling relationship work is for two people to work on being whole themselves first and foremost and to work on overcoming the blocks to being confidently vulnerable with each other.

Thoughts? Adjustments? Suggestions on how to actually become more confidently vulnerable? (obviously its a spectrum with nobody fully arrived). 

Freddy


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Standard M.O. in virtually any and all failing relationships is blame. It is always easier to blame your partner for what they are, or aren't doing than it is to assess your own contribution and correct it.

You don't usually get the Zen perspective of "I can only change myself and not my partner ..." until after the un-Zen-like sh!t has hit the proverbial fan.

Your insight is correct. It's good. It's valid. Unfortunately it usually just arrives too late.

We have batted around this topic before, here: How About Them Apples


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