# Husband throwing a fit about our son playing in a sport



## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

My son is a freshman in high school and asked if he could join track. He never participated in school sports before this because my H wouldn't allow it. My H finally agreed to let him run track. Now that practice has started, we found out there is practice every day after school. That means one of us has to pick him up from school after work (he normally rides the bus home). His school is about 15-20 min drive from work and another 20 min drive home. Today our son started telling us about the scheduled meets he'll have to attend. 

My H starts in on his "poor me" drama routine, saying how his life has been turned upside down and he had NO IDEA how much this would involve. He sat with his head in his hands lamenting how much of a hardship this is and starts saying maybe he should just quit school (he's taking an online course and seems to have plenty of time to procrastinate doing that). He's throwing out passive aggressive comments to me basically implying that I'm being lazy by not asking a million questions about the schedule, etc. 

Then he turned on a dime and starts getting mad at me for not scheduling to turn my car in which has its lease ending in 7 weeks. And what did I buy at he store that costed THAT much (he saw a pending charge online in our checking account from the grocery store)? And he's, and I quote, "fresh out of dead parents" to give him an inheritance so I should keep that in mind (I don't splurge on things...just groceries and things my son needs and oh! a birthday present for my H!! Also, I make more money than he does.) The conversation became so convoluted I just wanted to run away. But instead he decided to go to bed early...this is a common passive aggressive thing he does to make a point that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore so he goes to bed. 

Getting back to my son and track, I believe my H cannot stand for anyone else's schedule or needs to be prioritized over his own. So he's being a big dramatic baby about the whole thing. I told my son in private that I didn't want his dad's dramatic behavior to discourage him from participating in track. How do I handle my H when he acts like this? I seriously want to say "You know, if our existence is so much of a burden to you, maybe it would be better if we left ."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

Tell your husband he's not being a man, and because of that you find him sexually unappealing. Tell him that if he behaved like a real man and actively engaged with your son in competitive pursuits, then it would be a huge turn on and he'd get more sex.

Men are simple creatures. Feed the ego, spell out the path to manhood, and reward him with hot sex when he complies.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

How I'd "handle him" is to not handle him at all. I almost wanted to laugh as I read your post because it reminds me so much of my middle daughter. If she gets mad at something, she'll go into a series of getting mad at everything else that happens for the rest of the day. 

I once called her on it when she was in a calm moment. I told her that I'd noticed she would get mad at the whole world when one thing went wrong, and I gave examples. She recognized it, and after that conversation, when I saw it happening, I would tell her to go walk around the cotton field next door until she felt better, but you can't do that with your husband, I imagine. After she moved out, I would simply let her vent and say, "You know you'll feel better soon. You're mad at all this other stuff because XYZ upset you earlier." This often helped her calm down. 

I don't know if this would work well with a spouse, because he might feel you're being condescending, but if you can be sensitive to it and shrug it off as just being the way he copes with frustrations, it may be easier on you to get through the 24-48 hours of his tantrum.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Your husband is broken and because I've been where he is I can relate. Unfortunately. With all my mental issues there was a time when just the thought of having to add that much extra to my day would have made me nuts. I'm easily overwhelmed and don't deal well when things are dropped on me like that. Remember I'm BPD like your husband is.

And when he got overwhelmed his mind began to race and that's when he started with every other little thing that was bothering him. It's like one negative thought triggers another and another and another until he can't take it anymore. HIS only relief is to go to sleep. It's likely the only time his brain has any type of peace.

That said yes your husband is being a big baby about but I don't think he can help it. 

I still think you should leave or at the very least separate while you heal from your codependency. 

Hugs.


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## d4life (Nov 28, 2012)

Your husband is being a complete jerk. It sounds like he is putting his own needs before the family, especially your son. I have always said that sports of any kind is great for kids. They need it! I would tell him to such it up and deal with it. You only have a few short years left of him being at home. Soon enough he will be gone. I would support your son with the positive things he tries to do. 

Just a thought, could your son carpool with someone?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

What is your husband's self centered behavior doing to your son? A young man needs to feel the approval from his father, but apparently that's not going to happen since his father only cares about his own comfort. Seriously, put a dress and Edwardian wig on the man and he'd be Mrs. Bennett!

Good luck to you but mostly to your son.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

Okay, sounds like your husband is completely emotionally immature.

This is my theory, though it may be a stretch:

I'm relating it to this: Did you know that once a person has a baby, if the parent has any deep down buried feelings surrounding their own childhood and parents, those feelings will bubble up, often uncontrollably, and with a vengeance. These emotions can make people act in crazy ways. That's where emotional maturity comes in to play, it helps you recognize your REAL feelings and appropriately take care of them.

I'm _guessing_ your husband has something suppressed deep down about sports (as you say, he's NEVER been okay with them). He may have had something traumatic happen to him, or had his parents treat him poorly about them; I don't know, but you can find out.

Now that his son is playing sports, he's experiencing those emotions bubbling up in a big way, being emotionally immature, he's not recognizing those feelings, and he's acting out in various silly ways.

Also, the "bubbling up of emotions" happens to anyone who has suppressed feelings about almost anything in life. Once they experience something similar much later that hits close to home, the emotions rise up in an intense way.

Good luck to you, and I'm so sorry for your difficulties


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

While I am not for the extremes that some parents do to have their kids activities their entire life I have to say that to me my son or daughter entering High School is preparing for their life when they leave home. 

I had daughters and I supported them playing softball from when they were five well into High School drill team and so on. Also they both played the violin.

Trust me I worked extreme hours but these things are important in my opinion.

A father who has a son who want to join a sport I feel is obligated to help him with this. During these years is when a boy turns into a man physically and is chock full of hormones. Having a healthy engagement in a sport helpd him, physically, mentally and emotionally. He developes confidence and a work ethic. he can develop many skills that will suit him well as an adult. Like never giving up. 

I have a daugter who teaches High School. I have adopted the High School where she teaches and go to every football game I can. Yes i live in Texas and football is a religion but I will tell you that watching the games feeds my soul. I find it uplifting. Puts things into perspective for me.

A young man who can balance his studies and participate in a sport has a big edge on others. 

I think it is selfish not to support your children within reason in these things. 

I suggest you sit your husband down and tell him you want your son to have this and they you need him to help you make this happen and you would even hope that he would do this in a loving enthusiastic manner.

What a wonderful thing it is for a father to support his son and help him to prepare to be a man. We need to give kids more than our financial support. Time matters.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Let your pansy husband do nothing and enjoy your sons athletic activity with him. Do not do anything to dissuade your son from participating. He will never forget it and always resent it.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> ...there was a time when just the thought of having to add that much extra to my day would have made me nuts. I'm easily overwhelmed and *don't deal well when things are dropped on me like that*...


Mavash you are spot on. In fact, the part I bolded is EXACTLY what he says whenever something comes up unexpectedly. For example, if my son asks if he could be taken to the movie theater to meet his friends, even if it's with 2-3 days notice, my H gets so uptight and starts asking a million questions and says he can't handle these "last minute things" getting dropped on him. Sometimes I have to remind him that no one is dying here.

He is very easily overwhelmed just by normal everyday things. This is a lot of what triggered my codependent behavior early in our marriage...he's too overwhelmed, so I'll make that phone call, I'll check on his mom for him, I'll get the groceries, I'll decline an invitation to a family get-together. I always thought I was helping him. Now I realize I have only enabled him to expect us to live our lives in fear of creating more anxiety for him.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> My son is a freshman in high school and asked if he could join track. He never participated in school sports before this because my H wouldn't allow it. My H finally agreed to let him run track. Now that practice has started, we found out there is practice every day after school. That means one of us has to pick him up from school after work (he normally rides the bus home). His school is about 15-20 min drive from work and another 20 min drive home. Today our son started telling us about the scheduled meets he'll have to attend.


What weird town do you live in? When I attended school, the buses stopped running at 9pm. 




> My H starts in on his "poor me" drama routine, saying how his life has been turned upside down and he had NO IDEA how much this would involve. He sat with his head in his hands lamenting how much of a hardship this is and starts saying maybe he should just quit school (he's taking an online course and seems to have plenty of time to procrastinate doing that). He's throwing out passive aggressive comments to me basically implying that I'm being lazy by not asking a million questions about the schedule, etc.


He doesn't seem to care much about your son. Is this his son as well? Maybe you should divorce this guy and find a man (or woman) who wants to be a father.




> Then he turned on a dime and starts getting mad at me for not scheduling to turn my car in which has its lease ending in 7 weeks. And what did I buy at he store that costed THAT much (he saw a pending charge online in our checking account from the grocery store)? And he's, and I quote, "fresh out of dead parents" to give him an inheritance so I should keep that in mind


Ask if his sisters and brothers included him in their wills, then suggest he kill his siblings. It's not overly far fetched. My work requires that I have death insurance, so I listed my brother as the beneficiary. 



> I told my son in private that I didn't want his dad's dramatic behavior to discourage him from participating in track.


Do the exact opposite. Get VERY involved in his track stuff and make it some kind of bonding activity between you and your son. Your husband will feel left out and he might kill himself to deal with the loneliness. He may have listed you as his death insurance beneficiary.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> I always thought I was helping him. Now I realize *I have only enabled him* to expect us to live our lives in fear of creating more anxiety for him.


Yes to your whole post. What helped me to heal was quite frankly my husband did NOT enable me. Nope not one bit. No he wasn't some brilliant psychologist he just flat out didn't have the time to deal with me so he didn't. He went on about his life as best as he could married to me and let the chips fall where they may aka he let me deal with my anxiety and I hit rock bottom. I'm just grateful he did this BEFORE we had kids. I can't even imagine what type of parent I would have been had I not gotten help first.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: Husband throwing a fit about our son playing in a sport*



Viseral said:


> Tell your husband he's not being a man, and because of that you find him sexually unappealing. Tell him that if he behaved like a real man and actively engaged with your son in competitive pursuits, then it would be a huge turn on and he'd get more sex.
> 
> Men are simple creatures. Feed the ego, spell out the path to manhood, and reward him with hot sex when he complies.


This is the worst advice I've ever seen.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

You cant tell a growing boy not to play sport, wat is his problem with it? Does he want his son to grow up a vegetable?


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

This is pretty ridiculous. There are plenty transportation alternatives if you look for them, carpools, city bus, etc. Is his objection really the tome constraint on him or something else? I'd just make it happen.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hell I can't imagine if I was in my teens and my mates went "hey, let's have a game of soccer after school", and I had to reply "I can't, my dad won't let me"

WTF! Seriously =/


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Also, track isn't really a sport.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Waking up to life said:


> My son is a freshman in high school and asked if he could join track. He never participated in school sports before this because my H wouldn't allow it.


Too bad we couldn't mix your husband and mine up in a big vat and even them out! My husband and I had a big argument recently about sports where he was (negatively) comparing our kids to his sister's who do sports every season all year round. We have 8 kids and are just as far from the school as you. You can imagine the complications... There have been days I drove 150 miles chauffering them places. I limit them to one team sport annually in the same season and they can do something like dancing or snowboarding seasonally or year round if its only once a week. 

We do carpooling with other families when possible but there are not always many or any in our remote area in the same sport.

Just wondering if your husband may be like mine in that the whole "son in sports" thing is triggering him regarding some of his own unresolved childhood baggage? Kathy Batesel's 5 why's helped me with my husband to get to the feeling and then to suggest that he was making his son (the "worthless wuz" one) feel the same way his daddy made him feel (rejection).


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Make sure your son get's his learner's permit as soon as your state allows and get a cheap car for him to use. My kids senior years were always jam packed with activities (since they could drive themselves).


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> *I told my son in private that I didn't want his dad's dramatic behavior to discourage him from participating in track.* How do I handle my H when he acts like this?


I think you've gotten solid advice in this thread, so I have nothing to add except that the bolded was awesome. Keep the encouragement up. Teenagers need this kind of support from their parents, and even though you are the only one cheerleading he'll appreciate it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Whatever you do, do NOT let him quit track because his dad is being a whiny baby! My daughter was in competitive cheer for seven years, and I had to fight for her constantly! He dad whined and moaned and groaned for having to take her TEN MINUTES to practice when she stayed with him. When her stepdad and I were married, I had to fight with him too because he whined about the time it took. I sacrificed as a single mom to keep her in that very expensive, very time consuming sport because she LOVED it, and she got so much out it! And I am so glad that I did, not only because of how much participating meant to her, but because she sees that I have her back at all times.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

When I was a kid, I was in Cub Scouts, and I LOVED it.
I quit after less than a year.
I wanted to learn to ski.
I was told to forget it.
I wanted to join a young model builders club.
I, again, was told to forget it.
I wanted to play the sax in the school band.
There were so many activities that I wanted to do.
I couldn't.
Why? Because Mom and Dad were always stressed and "didn't have time to fool with me." (Their actual words)

As far as my daughter:

She plays lead viola in the school orchestra.
She sings in the chorus.
She will be trying out for the musical.
She is in dance classes.
She wants to go for poms next year.
She is in a kid's "brainiac" camp in the summer.

I make damn good and sure that I take her to these activities (work schedule permitting) when I can, and I damn well MAKE TIME to see her concerts/recitals/club presentations/etc.

Why? Because my daughter has a father who has her back, who supports her and encourages her, and makes her a priority in his life-not a father who treats her as a burden and a source of constant trouble.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

ShawnD said:


> What weird town do you live in? When I attended school, the buses stopped running at 9pm.





Drover said:


> This is pretty ridiculous. There are plenty transportation alternatives if you look for them, carpools, city bus, etc. Is his objection really the tome constraint on him or something else? I'd just make it happen.


Just wanted to point out that not everywhere has public transportation, and not all transits/buses/etc are out/open past 5-6pm. When I was in school, our town didn't have ANY buses except the school buses, and once their routes were run, they parked for the night... unless their bus was chosen for "away" games/meets. The town I live in now is about 20+ minutes away from any town that actually HAS city bus/transit... and even those are done running by evening. I'd say her best bet is to see if any of the parents of the track team live near them and are willing to give him a lift home...or set up a schedule where you switch back and forth with them. But definitely don't let your husband's attitude kill the boy's spirit.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

When he does that just start pulling your hair out and look around like you are terrified and say THE SKY IS FALLING"!!!

He will probably say something like "whatever smart a**) and slinker away...


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: Husband throwing a fit about our son playing in a sport*



dallasapple said:


> When he does that just start pulling your hair out and look around like you are terrified and say THE SKY IS FALLING"!!!
> 
> He will probably say something like "whatever smart a**) and slinker away...


lol perfect.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I know men like this. They are simply too selfish to put in the effort and always seem have a lame excuse. It's sad for the kids and later in life these men usually regret what they did. Both of my son's participated in sports and it was a ton of work for 12 years. Sometimes I grew tired of the politics, but it eventually pays off one way or another. My son took up track in HS and now he's on a Division A track team in college. Track is a great sport for those who can't swallow team politics and the people in the sport tend to be really positive and intelligent. Its a nice crowd for your son to be around.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: Husband throwing a fit about our son playing in a sport*



Enginerd said:


> I know men like this. They are simply too selfish to put in the effort and always seem have a lame excuse. It's sad for the kids and later in life these men usually regret what they did. Both of my son's participated in sports and it was a ton of work for 12 years. Sometimes I grew tired of the politics, but it eventually pays off one way or another. My son took up track in HS and now he's on a Division A track team in college. Track is a great sport for those who can't swallow team politics and the people in the sport tend to be really positive and intelligent. Its a nice crowd for your son to be around.


I know women like this too...oh, an track still isn't a real sport.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Drover said:


> This is pretty ridiculous. There are plenty transportation alternatives if you look for them, carpools, city bus, etc. Is his objection really the tome constraint on him or something else? I'd just make it happen.


I just noticed ... ROT ... That is hilarious.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Drover said:


> I know women like this too...oh, an track still isn't a real sport.



Good point. I should have said "activity" but it makes him happy and has led to big opportunities.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Drover said:


> I know women like this too...oh, an track still isn't a real sport.


I think the kid in our district when I was in school who took a javelin to the noggin would disagree. No pansy-ass football players ever had to dodge flying spears.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

ShawnD said:


> What weird town do you live in? When I attended school, the buses stopped running at 9pm.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


LMAO ShawnD!:rofl: Thanks for a good chuckle today! As for the bus situation: he can ride the school bus to and from school, but he can only ride it home if he leaves school right away. We live in a rural area, so city buses don't even come close to going out to his school or our house. For him to get home from practice, someone has to go pick him up. 

There is a kid who lives down the road from us who's also in track who wants to carpool with us. I reminded my H of this when he was getting all "poor me". It just started this week, so I figured once we got a better idea of the schedule, I'd call the kid's dad and arrange a carpool schedule. 

What's sad is that as my H was questioning my son about every little detail, he kept asking what time he thought the meets would be over with so we'd know when to pick him up. My son asked me later if that meant we weren't ever planning on going to his meets and watching him run. I told him of course we (I) would go to every one we could. When I played basketball in 7th and 8th grade, my parents almost NEVER attended my games. Even the ones hosted at my school which was literally 5 minutes from home. They'd drop me off and pick me up for every game. The only one they went to was the very last tournament game in 8th grade. I'm not doing that to my son.


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