# Changes after time



## Rockygreystone (Sep 22, 2015)

I would like to hear about how sex in your marriage changed over time and what you think caused those changes.

There is that term/joke that the BJ's end once you say I do.

My wife and I used to kiss, deeply and passionatly while we were dating, I really enjoyed that, we havent kissed in over a year besides a peck on the lips hello and goodbye.
I recently voiced how much I love kissing her beautiful lips and I do try but she doesnt
Kiss back, at least not in the way I would like. 
I thought it might be my breath, I am very self aware and always maintain great hygeine, shower twice a day, brush after every meal, mornings, bedtime and right before sex.

I also have a very strong Anal fetish, love butt play and I am very gentle and respectful and non demanding. 
It was almost always on the menu, at least once a week. 
Now it has become a "reward" type of deal.
There is always a build up to it for good behavior on my part without a timeframe, meaning She offers it up but it doesnt really happen, because eventually I do or say something to piss her off and it gets cancelled.

And forget about oral....

I love my wife and have learned to no longer ask or expect the extras and be happy with what I get.
I dont mention it and I try to not resent her for it but Im sure I do on some level.

When we get along we have sex frequently, then we argue/disagree/fight and then its back to square one, we start all over again, sometimes it takes a week or 2 to get things back again.

We dont ever do make up sex..

It gets frustrating, I find it easier to masturbate than to try and fix things.

Thoughts? Experiences ?

Thanks 
RG


----------



## BBF (May 21, 2015)

Ask her: "Are you using sex as a reward?"

If she says "no," then tell her what you want and when you want it because it's a mutual joy of marriage.

If she says "yes," then ask her if she'd just take $ instead. Old joke punchline: "We've established what you are, now we're just negotiating price."


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

How does sex changes after time?

When you have small kids it puts a damper on things. Everyone is busy and focus on child rearing, instead of each other. Family and work, can great affect your sex life. Especially if the kids have tons of activities and from work you come home and is running around like mad. By the time you are ready for bed, you are too exhausted to even kiss goodnight.

Later, years, comes perimenopause and menopause.

Then, also, we are so comfortable with each other, like living with roommates. It all happens.

You should really read this book. Its all the rave here on TAM.

"Mating in Captivity" by Ester Perel. 

She asked the same question, can we have long marriages and still find the erotic in our marriage. Goood luck. You should read it. She is also, on TED TALKS.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Take this with a grain of salt, but it sounds to me like sex (for her, at least) has become the "same old, same old". This is very common in long term relationships, and it's sometimes difficult to extricate ones mind from.

I don't think you mentioned how long you two have been together, but it sounds as though it's been a while, given that you're married. While sex is, or still can be, fun, there's probably no adventure or excitement left, and it's now become just something you do, and is expected almost.

I would say most married couples either wind up like this, or go through periods of their marriage in which this happens.

I love my wife, I love her body, I love sex with her, but I'd be lying if I said it's as exciting as it used to be, and she would tell you the same thing.

I also find that when women get to this point (and they don't ALL, by the way) that sex winds up being exactly how you described - a reward. It's almost a subconscious thing, I think.

As you alluded to, the old joke about BJ's disappearing has some truth to it (and it's not just BJ's). The general assumption among many, many married couples is that sex is -supposed- to decline over time. The husband expects it, and the wife plays into it. I don't know how many times over the years I've heard this joke amongst our married, and even single, friends. It's like it's universally accepted, and people just play into it.

My wife used to joke about it every now and again, but honestly, I read her the riot act. Just because a few of our couple friends played into it doesn't mean she has to. It's not a right of passage or anything. There's no handbook of rules for marriage that states that this is true, or to be accepted.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

With the passage of time while many things never seem to change, nothing will ever be the same. Some couples thrive as the seasons of love change, while others freeze and starve themselves to divorce.


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Years 1 - 3 *I could have sex whenever I wanted. My wife was HD and I was just there. Since she wanted sex more than me, I was fine with whatever. I was a bit LD because she wanted me so much.

Years 3 - 20 *3 kids came along, the first being mentally handicapped. In between taking care of the children, work and worrying about our handicapped child sex became boring and I ended up wanting it more than her which drove me a bit crazy and turned my wife off.

Years 10 - 24 *Kids are growing up and will be leaving. We have come to grips with our oldest who will be living with us till the day we die. We have more free time together and I have been working on myself as a husband. My wife knows my need for sex and has also been working on herself. Sex is now the best I have ever had with any woman and frequency is around twice a week.

It's all a growing/learning process. The most important aspect of this is to stay together and work things out. Listen to your spouse and try to accommodate their particular needs. Change things up and make your marriage a priority. Unless you work on the relationship life tends to get in the way and weaken your bond. Being married is probably one of the most difficult things I have done in my life. However, it is also the most rewarding.

Edit * During years 1-3 I did not need or did not think I needed to learn anything sexually. My wife seemed happy and I thought everything was great. During the years 3 - 20 I think my wife just got board with me. I believe I was a lousy lover and finally woke up at year 20 and started the John Holmes self study program. It worked


----------



## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

my take on the situation you've described is that you've devolved into a situation where sex is your "reward" for being good.

This dynamic is a long term downward spiral because it is inherently unsexy for both of you.

You will grow to feel increasingly demeaned by the increasing number of hoops you feel you must jump through to get your treat.

Your wife will find you increasingly undesireable as you demonstrate to her the increasing desperate lengths you will go to get this one thing.

You need to break this dynamic and de-couple sex from these tests.

Sex should happen organically because your both desire it, not because you have passed some test.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

very nice post ump (bad santa too, very eloquent!)

pray tell, what is 'the john holmes self study program'?


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> very nice post ump (bad santa too, very eloquent!)
> 
> pray tell, what is 'the john holmes self study program'?


John Holmes is the quintessential 1970's porn star which all male porn stars are measured against. A little joke :grin2:

Come to think of it, sex in marriage is like finding and riding a wave. You have to scope out conditions, find the right wave at the right place at the right time and ride the shiit out of it for a long as you possibly can.
You cannot give up trying to find that perfect wave. It's a life long process. If it were easy, I don't think it would be as enjoyable.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

And then you must find that next wave to ride ...


OP sexuality in marriage - or other relationships - often changes with time. For some, it improves or holds relatively steady despite jobs, kids, illness, etc. For others, it's a slow or fast decline, sometimes with temporary plateaus.

My first marriage tanked right after I said "I do." I spent years trying to find out and fix what went wrong - but it wasn't anything I could fix. It was her problem, and she didn't care to change anything. In my case, the best fix for the change was a divorce. Now I have a great relationship and ever-improving sex life. The frequency has ever so slightly dipped over the years, but the quality has continually increased.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Just some random things that impact sex both good and bad in the later years (years 10-20):

• Teenage kids in the house with hormonally exacerbated drama.

• Neighborhood kids ringing the doorbell to come over and visit your kids at random times. 

• Current methods of family planning are discovered to have bad side effects and must be discontinued. 

• The wife is upset over finding a hidden cache of unwashed anal toys you've used for self exploration while moving a bookshelf. 

• Back pain. 

• Discovery of the sexual benefits of ample coconut oil.

• Witnessing horrendous drama unfold with your sibling's marriages that results in the realization that you and your wife have a lot to be thankful for. 

• Discovering how to have multiple and simultaneous orgasms with you wife.

• Getting caught watching porn.

• Convincing the wife to make you some porn.

• You finally learn how to shop for the adult toys your wife really likes as opposed to the stupid ones that make her angry.

• Realizing you both now weigh 100 pounds more than when you married.

• Loosing most of the weight you gained and seeing your own penis again for the first time in years.

• Lack of time from busy daily schedules that now involves extracurricular activities for the kids.

• Christening the new family car with the wife.

...and so on...


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

badsanta said:


> • The wife is upset over finding a hidden cache of unwashed anal toys you've used for *self exploration while moving a bookshelf*.


You should add this to your daily manliness thread. I can't imagine even trying to move a bookshelf while simultaneously performing anal self exploration!


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

One word.......complacency


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Anon1111 said:


> You will grow to feel increasingly demeaned by the increasing number of hoops you feel you must jump through to get your treat.
> 
> Your wife will find you increasingly undesireable as you demonstrate to her the increasing desperate lengths you will go to get this one thing.
> 
> You need to break this dynamic and de-couple sex from these tests.


That is a great way to put it! Excellent post.

As Anon says, when she goes to give you your reward, decline it. (but don't make her feel bad). Tricky to do, but effective if done properly.

I didn't quite have this problem with "rewards", however I did essentially stop asking for sex (or worse yet, getting upset when I was rejected). This has, so far, paid off very well.

They key is to still be the same husband you've always been (unless you haven't been a very good one!) but don't let her see that the lack of sex bothers you. Like water off a ducks back, as they say.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

OP, you are really asking multiple questions.

How does a man change over time as he ages.
How does a woman change over time as she ages.
How do couples interactions change over time.

For the first question, I will refer you to the following article and let you think about the answer. Life Cycle of a Penis - Health & Fitness Magazine - March 2012

For the second question, women's bodies change with time parts sag, weight is sometimes gained, wrinkles, hormone levels change, certain tissue gets more delicate and thinner. For example my wife when we were dating and first married wore a 2 piece bathing suit, aka bikini. Hell would freeze over before my 65 year old wife would wear a bikini in public. Body self image issue are a bid deal with women as they age as are real physical issues.

For the third question I will suggest three reading assignments.

Ester Perel, Mating in Captivity
Leah Kliger & Deborah Nedelman, Still Sexy after all these years.
David Schnarch, A Passionate Marriage.

What I read between the lines is fear on your part that you are on a slippery slope in your relationship with your wife and that "time" is taking its tole. 

If you are really really lucky and live to be 95 you can almost count on getting some form of prostate cancer or something that interferes with what you currently consider a "normal sex life." The problem is that a full and intimate relationship can still occur even if you can't get an erection. 

Just like sex often changes after children come into a marriage, other things change as well. That isn't always bad. Change can bring a new and deeper form of emotional bonding.

Marriage is about constantly renegotiating how you and your spouse interact in a way that is satisfying to both of you.

Good luck.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

brooklynAnn said:


> How does sex changes after time?
> 
> When you have small kids it puts a damper on things. Everyone is busy and focus on child rearing, instead of each other. Family and work, can great affect your sex life. Especially if the kids have tons of activities and from work you come home and is running around like mad. By the time you are ready for bed, you are too exhausted to even kiss goodnight.
> 
> ...


Yep read that book.


Here is a video to get you started on that: Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rocky, 

You and your wife are having some serious marital problems. There is a lot of angry fighting. She told you that she wants a divorce but as a SHAM cannot afford to leave.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...n/291946-argument-almost-becomes-violent.html

In that thread you told us that she sets up dates and you often do not follow through on them. You two spend very little quality time together... meaning that there is very little non-sexual intimacy going on. Few women would want much sex in a marriage with little to no non-sexual intimacy. 

And that's not to put all the blame on you. From your description your wife is angry and is not handling things well at all. 

I think that the question here is which came first... the chicken or the egg?

But, the good thing is that you both can stop this and start over to rebuild if you both are willing to do it.

I like the Esther Perel book for you and for her.

I think that I have already suggested the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". These two books do a good job of describing how marriages end up in the state yours is... and how rebuild.


----------

