# My husband wants to move away but not be divorced



## confusedalonemom (Mar 3, 2018)

My husband has wanted to move for the last few years to another country. I have always told him we would go as a family and I have no issues with living in another country as I have done it before. He has a job now where they asked if he would relocate to another country. He said yes in the next 1-3 years. I was excited and told him how neat it would be for our kids (we have 4) to have this experience growing up. It was than that he informed me he wanted to go alone. He does not want me or the kids there because he is unhappy here with us. "Why would I want to move only to be unhappy in another country." I have known he has been unhappy the last few years in our marriage. I thought it was due to the fact we moved close to my family and he felt our old parenting style took a back seat when this happened. But he ALWAYS said he would go to the country get set up and we would follow him. Until now. 

I asked him if this was the end for him and he said no. He still wants to be married but he does not want to live with us. I said well we can try visits and see how that goes and he flat out said no. He does not want us to visit him. He will visit us. I can not help like this is him living out some fantasy, a fantasy where he doesn't have us and the responsibility to us. One where we can be forgotten until he chooses. He also has not been very faithful in our marriage. I know he cheated on me once in the beginning of our marriage. and once when we came so close to divorce I found out he was on casual encounter ads only a month after I deployed. So a part of me wonders if all of this is his way of being single. if he does not want to be married but can not admit it. 

So my question becomes this, Should I allow him to follow this track and see if he changes his mind or should I tell him it is all or nothing. that he can not just decide when he has a family and when to come and see us. I feel like it would not be healthy for our kids. I have had a hard time letting him go...I have tried over the years and because I truly love him I have never had the heart to leave. What would you do? we have known each other for almost 13 years, we have been married 8 and have 4 kids together....I just need help sorting through this.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

confusedalonemom said:


> My husband has wanted to move for the last few years to another country. I have always told him we would go as a family and I have no issues with living in another country as I have done it before. He has a job now where they asked if he would relocate to another country. He said yes in the next 1-3 years. I was excited and told him how neat it would be for our kids (we have 4) to have this experience growing up. It was than that he informed me he wanted to go alone. He does not want me or the kids there because he is unhappy here with us. "Why would I want to move only to be unhappy in another country." I have known he has been unhappy the last few years in our marriage. I thought it was due to the fact we moved close to my family and he felt our old parenting style took a back seat when this happened. But he ALWAYS said he would go to the country get set up and we would follow him. Until now.
> 
> I asked him if this was the end for him and he said no. He still wants to be married but he does not want to live with us. I said well we can try visits and see how that goes and he flat out said no. He does not want us to visit him. He will visit us. I can not help like this is him living out some fantasy, a fantasy where he doesn't have us and the responsibility to us. One where we can be forgotten until he chooses. He also has not been very faithful in our marriage. I know he cheated on me once in the beginning of our marriage. and once when we came so close to divorce I found out he was on casual encounter ads only a month after I deployed. So a part of me wonders if all of this is his way of being single. if he does not want to be married but can not admit it.
> 
> So my question becomes this, Should I allow him to follow this track and see if he changes his mind or should I tell him it is all or nothing. that he can not just decide when he has a family and when to come and see us. I feel like it would not be healthy for our kids. I have had a hard time letting him go...I have tried over the years and because I truly love him I have never had the heart to leave. What would you do? we have known each other for almost 13 years, we have been married 8 and have 4 kids together....I just need help sorting through this.


Ouch. I can't imagine how painful this must be. 

How do you feel about both of those options? Think about him living as a single man in another country and you living with and raising your children. If you let him do that with no consequences, you're setting a very unhealthy boundary. You're saying "I don't think I'm worth the commitment. I don't think I'm worth your love." Do you feel that way? 

I know it can be scary to set boundaries that may result in someone making a choice we wish they wouldn't... but that's all we can really do. Which boundary will honour YOU?


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

confusedalonemom said:


> My husband has wanted to move for the last few years to another country. I have always told him we would go as a family and I have no issues with living in another country as I have done it before. He has a job now where they asked if he would relocate to another country. He said yes in the next 1-3 years. I was excited and told him how neat it would be for our kids (we have 4) to have this experience growing up. It was than that he informed me he wanted to go alone. He does not want me or the kids there because he is unhappy here with us. "Why would I want to move only to be unhappy in another country." I have known he has been unhappy the last few years in our marriage. I thought it was due to the fact we moved close to my family and he felt our old parenting style took a back seat when this happened. But he ALWAYS said he would go to the country get set up and we would follow him. Until now.
> 
> I asked him if this was the end for him and he said no. He still wants to be married but he does not want to live with us. I said well we can try visits and see how that goes and he flat out said no. He does not want us to visit him. He will visit us. I can not help like this is him living out some fantasy, a fantasy where he doesn't have us and the responsibility to us. One where we can be forgotten until he chooses. He also has not been very faithful in our marriage. I know he cheated on me once in the beginning of our marriage. and once when we came so close to divorce I found out he was on casual encounter ads only a month after I deployed. So a part of me wonders if all of this is his way of being single. if he does not want to be married but can not admit it.
> 
> So my question becomes this, Should I allow him to follow this track and see if he changes his mind or should I tell him it is all or nothing. that he can not just decide when he has a family and when to come and see us. I feel like it would not be healthy for our kids. I have had a hard time letting him go...I have tried over the years and because I truly love him I have never had the heart to leave. What would you do? we have known each other for almost 13 years, we have been married 8 and have 4 kids together....I just need help sorting through this.



It seems to me that he has been very unhappy for a long time (likely a large part due to being under your family's thumb) and he just can't take it any more. As you said, he has been acting unhappy for some time. Now he wants to go some place else, get a lot of no strings attached sex where you can't see him, but come back just enough to still be "daddy" to his kids. I have empathy for his unhappiness, but not his solution. I feel that you should make it clear that you want to help him be happy again, but the course of action he is proposing is not acceptable if he wants to stay married and be a responsible parent. Either you and the kids go with him, or he leaves the wedding ring behind...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

In other words, he's going to keep you as his wife and add a girlfriend (or two). If you're not okay with that, make it clear now.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

No way would I let him go.......Sorry to say but you two may be done. Fix it now or get out. Don't prolong the agony.....It's a waste of valuable time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My take on this is that he does not want to be married any longer, but also does not want the financial hit of a divorce. So him moving to another country without you is a way that he can be single, start a new life and not have the financial hit of child support, perhaps alimony and splitting of assets.

There is no way I would agree to what he is proposing. I would file for divorce now and just end what is apparently not a good marriage.

do you work? If so what percentage of your joint income do you earn.

Do you have much in the way of assets that could be split?

If you don't mind sharing, what country would he be moving to.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

One of my strictest rules in life is to NEVER go where I'm not wanted.

Why on *earth* would you stay married to a serial cheater whose told you many times that he wants out? What did you do every time he said it to you - just pretend not to hear him? Stick your fingers in your ears and hum loudly? A man would only have to make that comment ONCE to me before I'd make his ass history, as quickly as possible. There's no *dignity* in staying with a man who doesn't want you and has been pretty vocal about it. No one needs a man in their life THAT badly - and certainly not one like this serial cheating jerk with his ads on casual hookup sites looking for women to waste their time with his sorry ass. And now, Mr. Wonderful wants to desert his family without taking the financial hit of splitting his assets.

How do you not throw up on this miscreant when you're in his company? He's so repulsive there isn't even a word for how low he's sunk.

But more importantly, HOW much more does this guy have to *disrespect *you before you finally put an end to it?


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

I agree. I wants to stay married so he will not take the financial hit.
He will go to a new country, have a girlfriend, and come back occasionally to visit the kids.

Is this how you want to live?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Your problem is you have no respect for yourself. Because of that, your husband runs over you and does whatever he wants. The next man will do it too. Every man you date or marry will have no respect for you unless you decide to respect yourself. When you do that, you will be able to see reality when it hits you in the face like he has been doing ever since you married him.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> One of my strictest rules in life is to NEVER go where I'm not wanted.
> 
> Why on *earth* would you stay married to a serial cheater whose told you many times that he wants out? What did you do every time he said it to you - just pretend not to hear him? Stick your fingers in your ears and hum loudly? A man would only have to make that comment ONCE to me before I'd make his ass history, as quickly as possible. There's no *dignity* in staying with a man who doesn't want you and has been pretty vocal about it. No one needs a man in their life THAT badly - and certainly not one like this serial cheating jerk with his ads on casual hookup sites looking for women to waste their time with his sorry ass. And now, Mr. Wonderful wants to desert his family without taking the financial hit of splitting his assets.
> 
> ...


All the why's and how's don't matter to a desperate woman because desperate women don't know what self respect is. They tolerate the intolerable to keep him. They allow him to treat them like crap so they can try to keep him. And they ask this board "Should I allow him to....." so that someone will offer a solution to keep him.

So there's really no point in asking all the how's and why's because they don't have answers for that except it allowed them to keep him.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

confusedalonemom said:


> he informed me he wanted to go alone.
> 
> He does not want me or the kids there because he is unhappy here with us. "Why would I want to move only to be unhappy in another country."
> 
> ...


*^^THIS.^^*

Your husband is a cheater and a selfish, self-serving waste of oxygen. So hubs isn't only "unhappy" with you but also his own children. And you need to ASK if you should allow him to go to another country alone? Hell, I'd help him pack and serve him with divorce papers at the same time.

Your husband already has another woman/women/or plans laid out to hook up with other women.

People treat us the way we allow them to treat us. It is time for you to relinquish your doormat status and have the guts to kick this loser to the curb.

P.S. - WHAT DO YOU LOVE ABOUT THIS MAN???? SERIOUSLY.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

StarFires said:


> All the why's and how's don't matter to a desperate woman because desperate women don't know what self respect is. They tolerate the intolerable to keep him. They allow him to treat them like crap so they can try to keep him. And they ask this board "Should I allow him to....." so that someone will offer a solution to keep him.
> 
> So there's really no point in asking all the how's and why's because they don't have answers for that except it allowed them to keep him.


It sounds like you have a lot of judgement towards this woman you really don't know. Have you ever considered why you feel such strong emotions about her? Maybe there's a wound there... Regardless, it would be nice if you could show more kindness towards people who are hurting.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

He’s unhappy with you where you are.

He also says he would not be happy with you there, do whatever is making him unhappy is doing so in both places. The common denominator is you. If you go with him, he is escaping everything but you.

I’m very, very sorry about you situation. This is all so Dr Seuss:

“He does not want you here nor there,
He does not want you anywhere!”

Your financial state is an obvious concern, but you also said you didn’t want to divorce because of the financial hit he would take. Don’t you worry one bit about his financial state!!! If this comes to divorce, you make sure you put yourself and your kids in the best possible position, no matter what it does to him.

I also find it disturbing that he wouldn’t want to take the kids. What a wonderful opportunity for them! It’s bad enough being a louse of a husband, but to deny such to your children is an extra level of awful.

Tough position for you and one nobody should ever have to face. Be strong, build your support network, and don’t let a man this lacking in moral character dictate the terms of your life or even your marriage.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

purplesunsets said:


> It sounds like you have a lot of judgement towards this woman you really don't know. Have you ever considered why you feel such strong emotions about her? Maybe there's a wound there... Regardless, it would be nice if you could show more kindness towards people who are hurting.


Number 1, you don't tell me how to post.
Number 2, your post was just as judgmental as mine. So check yourself.


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

It’s absolutely all or nothing in this scenario. What he is envisions is a life WITHOUT you and your children. That is what deadbeat men get when they LEAVE THEIR FAMILY. Only he gets to claim it’s because of a job, thus in his mind he maintains his honor. If he loved you and wanted you and his kids in his life he would be making plans for you to move as well. I cannot imagine purposefully moving to another country and demanding my family NOT come with me. not only that, not even come visit me. It makes no sense.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If he abandons you then I don't see you have any option but to end the marriage. He will carry on cheating of course, and more freely than before. I cant believe you are even considering letting this happen and going along with it, especially as he has already cheated at least twice.
He is an awful man who is effectively abandoning you and his own children.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

I'm so sorry you are hurting like this. I just can't imagine a husband and father wanting to do this to his family and being so brazen about it. You asked what would we do. Unless a person has been in a like situation, they can only tell you what they THINK they will do. You also asked for help sorting this out.

I can't help but think that there are circumstances involved that are giving you hesitation about what to do. Such as, do you fear financial devastation? Are you a Christian and feel that you should not divorce no matter what? Do you fear what your family will say/do? Do you fear being single with 4 kids?

Can you just list out your reasons for being willing to accept this situation from him? Do you think you really love him now, or do you think you are being influenced by who you THOUGHT he was before he started treating you so poorly?

I'm not necessarily asking you to post the answers on this forum, but rather I'm suggesting that you examine his behavior to see if you truly want to remain with him. Also, can your support yourself and kids? I'm just wondering if he is planning to abandon you financially as well. 

Again, sorry you are going through this.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm so sorry this is happening OP, it must be so incredibly painful 

I honestly think the writings on the wall though - would you really want him to stay back with you and the kids because you gave him an ultimatum? Or take you all with him under those conditions?

Wish him well, file for divorce and move on. You and your kids deserve better.


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## tom72 (Nov 4, 2017)

Use this time to make plans for a life without him, get all the ducks lined up

Have him served 2 weeks before he goes


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> *My take on this is that he does not want to be married any longer, but also does not want the financial hit of a divorce. So him moving to another country without you is a way that he can be single, start a new life and not have the financial hit of child support, perhaps alimony and splitting of assets.*
> 
> .


If it was just financial, this doesn't make sense. Would he not be supporting his family any longer if he moved?

I agree he wants to have the single life away from his family.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

manwithnoname said:


> If it was just financial, this doesn't make sense. Would he not be supporting his family any longer if he moved?
> 
> I agree he wants to have the single life away from his family.


Who knows, he could just cut them off. He'd be in another country and she could not do anything about it.

Or they might have significant assets and he does not want to let her have 50% of them.

From what I've read here on TAM and in other sources, a fair number of men will stay in a mad marriage because they are think that in divorce they will have to split the marital assets and maybe even pay alimony and child support.


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## Todd Haberdasher (Apr 23, 2017)

It's possible he just really values his personal space. Living with other people is hell, no matter how much you love them. I would say that being in another country takes it to extremes, but maybe that's just how he ensures you won't be popping in at a time outside of his choosing.


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