# Has there been too much damage??



## VeryLost (May 22, 2010)

I, like so many, have reached my wits end. I walk around completely lost with no direction. My husband and I have been married for 5 and a half years and been together for 11 and a half. For eight of those years he was lost in a computer game, Everquest, and I was busy with college for 4 of those. I hurt him by wanting to succeed, so he would, in turn, lash out and hurt me intentionally. This went on for many years, until I broke my back and was confined to bed rest for many months. He said it was boring sitting with me, so he'd play his game in the next room, leaving me alone with movies. 
Two years ago he went through a mid-life crisis, he was turning 30. He wanted a girl 11 years younger, told me he wanted me, the next day he wanted her, the next day me, the next her. I heard how he didn't want a family, after both our kids were already born. I heard how when he just looked at her it was the happiest he'd ever felt. I found a letter he'd written to her telling her how he'd never fallen for anyone like he'd fallen for her. This crap went on for 10 months!!! Finally I'd had enough. I was done. Told him I was leaving. He begged me to stay, said he'd change his selfish ways and spend time with the kids. 
Another year went by and I actually started to hate him. I hated everything about him. I left. Was gone for 4 months. I messed up and involved someone else. My husband swore he'd change and wanted his family back. So I came back to see how long his change would last. Now, no matter what, I just don't feel anything for him. I am angry, but the hate is gone. I don't love him. 
He's moved out in hopes that his absence would just magically cause me to come around. But I am actually just fine without him here. And the thought of Divorce makes me sick.
I'm so lost!! I just don't know what to do!!


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## whiteflag (May 22, 2010)

Simple....If you dont love him anymore, release him to find it someplace else.

Life's too short to be unhappy and "loveless"

Sounds like it's time for both of you to have a fresh start


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

gotta agree... there are wonderful, sweet caring men out there to love you more than some video game... I read your entry twice and didnt see anything nice said about him so I think the truth and direction is already determined in your mind. =) put off procrastination and make your life fabulous again!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## braveheart2009 (Mar 25, 2009)

It's good you eventually left him without further hassle and him making your life a misrey. Marriage is a game to him! I am surprised how many chances you gave him.


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## VeryLost (May 22, 2010)

Thank you all so much. What makes it hard about it is that he keeps promising to be better. He is much better with the kids now. I want to believe him, but I am afraid to. After so many chances, it is hard to accept that he'll change really!


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

I completely understand you. It's hard to trust someone after they've given so many empty promises. Even if they show change, it's hard to tell whether they're going to keep it up or go back to their old ways.
He is much better with the kids now but is he treating you any better too?

Personally I don't believe in promises anymore. Unless he's *showing* change in every aspect of your relationship (not just the kids), leave him. 

My husband refused to show me he loves me and told me to just trust him when he says he does. It was a little difficult at first but eventually I started to trust my own eyes and not his empty words.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I'm confused by your two posts, so I can see that you are confused as you say. I'm not really sure what you want and cannot tell if you know what you want.

You say you don't love him, but you don't want a divorce. So, do you want to stay married without loving your husband?

He has left in hopes to salvage the marriage, but you are fine with him gone, but you don't want a divorce.

You don't trust him, and that's understandable because of so many broken promises, yet you still want to believe he can really change even though he keeps saying he will but doesn't (only with the kids).

That is awfully confusing. What I am most confused about is what any of it matters if you don't love him and don't want to be with him. And, if you don't love him and don't want to be with him, then why not divorce?

I think you do love him. And, I think you need/want him to prove his love for you. I think you want him to win back your love, but I don't believe he knows how, therefore it isn't going to happen.

Have you tried counseling? Have you tried anything at all beyond your own guesses and requests to help salvage your marriage?

Your husband needs to see this movie. Rent it for him and ask him to watch it. If he doesn't watch it or he does watch but does not follow the principles, you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he still just talking with no intention of really changing his behaviors. If he does watch it and begins to make some real effort, then purchase the Love Dare book that accompanies the movie. Get two copies, one for each of you.


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## VeryLost (May 22, 2010)

I AM very confused Susan. Now that he is gone I do not miss him. But when I think of sorting through all the memories we've made over the last 11 years, it makes me sad. But I guess Divorce IS sad regardless. I'm not wanting him to win me back, he has been trying in little ways. But his actions are just pointless and have no effect on me. 
He went to counseling while I was gone. I am looking for a good counselor myself now.
I guess why all this matters is because I just feel like a failure when I talk about divorce. Something this major in my life isn't going to be successful, it makes me pause and wonder if I really have done everything in my power to fix it. But looking back, we've had more downs than ups in our life. I haven't been happy with him for a very long time. So that makes me wonder what the heck am i really trying to hold onto?? I feel crazy.
I will check out that movie for him. Thanks to all for your input.


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

VeryLost said:


> I AM very confused Susan. Now that he is gone I do not miss him. But when I think of sorting through all the memories we've made over the last 11 years, it makes me sad. But I guess Divorce IS sad regardless. I'm not wanting him to win me back, he has been trying in little ways. But his actions are just pointless and have no effect on me.
> He went to counseling while I was gone. I am looking for a good counselor myself now.
> I guess why all this matters is because I just feel like a failure when I talk about divorce. Something this major in my life isn't going to be successful, it makes me pause and wonder if I really have done everything in my power to fix it. But looking back, we've had more downs than ups in our life. I haven't been happy with him for a very long time. So that makes me wonder what the heck am i really trying to hold onto?? I feel crazy.
> I will check out that movie for him. Thanks to all for your input.


 You wouldn't be a failure if you divorced. Everyone has a right to pursue happiness and sometimes marriages throw you curve balls you weren't built to handle. Its not fair to take the weight of the seperation because you have been open about your needs and he has had time with them. Failure would be waking about 20 years from now still unhappy with him and full of regret. why waste time being unhappy? time is a gift and were all dying... personally I want to die madly in love and comfortable with my choice. 
You seem like a strong and intelligent woman so take a moment to collect your life without passing judgement on yourself for what journey you are going to take. Be kind to yourself and you will see more clarity! =)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VeryLost (May 22, 2010)

Thank you lovelieswithin. Great advice there. And you're right, why waste time being unhappy??


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## lisakifttherapy (Jul 31, 2007)

Unfortunately, there can be a time when too much damage has been done. Ideally a couple deals with things as they come up so they don't keep piling on top of each other. But many don't. This is a very personal decision for you - one that you have a right to make. 

If you feel like there's any sliver of hope that you can repair the damage and reconnect, this is always possible (though I would recommend counseling to help).


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