# questions about infidelity



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Hi folks, this is my first post and I wish I had never had to look for a site like this but here I am. I have come to believe my wife of 20 years may be cheating on me. I would like to get some answers from people who have commited infidelities. First of is on days you were with you lover how did you act when you returned home. Standoffish or extra loving. Did you feel quilty for what you did or couldn't wait to do it again. If caught in a lie did you react with anger or just down play it. This is a big one, did you have friends lie and cover for you? How did you get to the point of cheating, spur of the moment or a planned thing. My wife denies everything, even when confronted with a lie. Any insight please as to what to look for. Thanks, Cooper


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## Green-Moo (Feb 5, 2008)

I'm afraid every cheater will behave differently & that what you perceive to be suspicious behaviour on the part of your wife could well be down to something very different. If you've already accused her of infidelity then she's probably feeling pretty defensive for a start!


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## losttrust (Apr 13, 2008)

Hi Cooper, well I am not the cheater but the cheated upon one, so here is my insight of this situation for you. As far as I am concern, some woman hide their affaires really well, look at mine for example, she told me that she did after 5 years, if she hadn't I would have never known, now I look at her in a very different light, I try to find clues to these affaires without raising suspicion about me searching for stuff to inculpate her of this.

As far as your wife is concern, just let it go for now and do some digging without letting her know you are doing this. if you are wrong then let is be, but if you are right about this whole thing, just get some proofs of it this way when the time comes to confront her you will have a lot of proof and she will not be able to denied it. Even thout it might be very frustrating at time to do researches and all but sit and wait patiently, she is bound to slip up somewhere and then you will have irrefutable proof.

Just hang tight Cooper


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Cooper here,
I have always put my wife and kids before myself, my wife has always put her wants first. This is just the way things are and I accepted the bigger role without to much complaint. The last year things have gotten worse. Even her family has become upset with her because she has become so detached from the kids and me. Her father shocked me at Christmas by thanking me for sticking it out. I have never once complained to them about our marriage but they can see what is happening. All the signs are there. Trips to the store that should take an hour seem to take four or five. No account for what she does most days( she works around 10 hours weekly) The cell phone never leaves her person, she even takes it into the bathroom with her. Her friends call her the wild woman. She has become openly flirty with other men, I think she is so use to being that way she forgets to turn it off when I'm there. She went out of town for the day last week for a horse show. I checked the milage on her car before she left, what should have been a 220 mile trip showed up as 35 miles on her car. I asked if she drove herself and she said yes. When confronted with a lie she changed her story to she met one of her friends part way and knew I would be upset that she left our car at a gas station for the day so told me a lie. Her friend was already there but she claimed to have driven back and picked up my wife, then brought her back home in the evening and returned to the show. Like 300 miles of driving! The list goes on, is it any life when all you do is try and figure out if you are being lied to! What a mess!


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## losttrust (Apr 13, 2008)

From what you are saying, there is obviously something there, I my opinion someone that has something to hide will make stories and she obvioulsy does. Just try to talk to her and try to be the understanding husband that you are and just speak to her, without acusing her of anything and try to ask her to come clean. If she can't even confess to the thruth, maybe you guy need to seek some kind of marriage councelling, and if that doesn't work, well there is always a seperation for a while. I really hope for you that this non sense on her part stops.

What is the worst thing in this, is the people that get hurt in all of this, you and your family and hers. it really sucks. 

Best of luck Cooper


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

We have talked about our marriage a lot in the last couple of months. She claims to love me, tells me I'm a great father and husband, but isn't willing to "give up her freedoms". Since we have been talking some things have changed. She is home more, her cell phone and internet use have decreased. The problem is after being lied to I keep thinking all she is doing is being more careful. Today we went somewhere as a family. I dropped her and the kids off at the door and went to park the car. I was walking to the building when my daughter called my cell to tell me my wife had left her cell in the car. I walked back to the car to get it and when I turned around here comes my wife. I told her I was getting it and she didn't need to come all the way out here. She claimed that I wouldn't be able to find them when I got to the building. I think she was trying to get to her phone before I could look at it. Of coarse I had to say something about that ,which started a fight , which started her crying and me feeling like a jerk for ruining the day. She says I have to trust her that there is no one else. How do you trust someone you have caught in lies? I actually think she does love me, but the life we have is not what she really wants. If it wasn't for our childern I am sure we would no longer be married. Is it wrong to stay together like this? Does a marriage at this point ever get repaired? Is it worth all this pain? Thanks to all who help, Cooper


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## losttrust (Apr 13, 2008)

I were to tell you that in fact you can go right ahead and trust her, then I would be lying to you. When one of the fundamentals of marriage is compromised, the whole thing becomes compromised, She says she loves you, but how much does she? if she loves you this much and then she should come clean and stop making excuses and that "Freedom" that she wants to keep so much has to be given up (to a certain extent, we all need some space and freedom) Her marriage, kids and all that is attached to these 2 come first. Myself I have a man group, what is that? well I bunch of us gather once a month and we go to a set restaurant and we go have some beer together, watch what ever sport there is on TV and we talk about guy stuff, we do that once a month and it is MY TIME alone no wife, so this way I have some freedom. My wife has showed up to one of those just to see what it was all about and left, this way she has piece of mind.

But as far as breaking up your marrige for all of this, maybe you guys need to seek councelling, this may alleviate a lot of issues, like trust. If you wish to talk about what ever Cooper just add me to your private buddy and I will give you my personal e-mail so that you can talk to somebody about what ever, it is always nice to have someone to talk to that has been there. Let me know.

In the mean time hang in there


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I understand that people need alone time. My wife and I both have hobbies that give us time apart. She has her horses, she is involved in endurance riding which is usually a three day event when you include travel time. I am involved in trap shooting and bicycling. We have good friends as a couple as well as our own friends. The time apart has also become one of our issues. Her hobby takes priority over everthing else. If I have plans to go trap shooting and the basement floods I cancel my plans. She on the other hand will say good luck with that as she walks out the door. Yes it happened!! She is not a drunk but most activities with her friends seem to involve drinking. I am not a drinker and have got to the point where I just don't like being with her when she is drinking, but I am also afraid of not being there because people do stupid things when they drink. Losttrust, thanks for your offer, I have a good bunch of friends I can talk to, and some have been thru the same things. It's nice to be able to post a problem here and get several points of view. Thanks to all. Cooper


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hi Cooper!

I'm in your spot. My husband and I have been together 24 years and I know he is having an affair. He denies it. Before he moved out he told me so many lies he couldn't even keep them all straight. He would take expensive vacations alone or with the guys. He would have "boat night" at least one night weekly and find an excuse to be gone two weekends out of the month. In addition, he had another wardrobe; most of the clothes were party(bar) clothing. He also started wearing an expensive watch and sunglasses. He stole money from our business and opened separate checking and brokerage accounts. A private e-mail account was set-up. Someone was text message him many times during the day and he would answer them while trying to hide what he was doing. Our business deteriorated and he really didn't care. An e-mail was presented to him where he told his brother about spending his b-day with XXX at a resort. And finally to top it off, I found an empty condom box under my truck seat (after he borrowed my truck). There have been other things, but that's just the most obvious examples. He was presented with ALL of those things and more. I'm sure the affair has gone on 18 months, but he still DENIES it!


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

To 827 - To fix a relationship it takes 2. And both need to acknowledge that something isn't working right to "fix" it. If your husband is not willing to acknowledge that there is a problem ( the other woman) then you 2 can not work on the marriage.

However, you can work on you. YOu can go see a therapist to help sort out your feelings - hurt, anger, fears, etc. Find something that makes you happy - look back at something you used to do before you met your husband that brings back memories & do it. 
If you can better yourself & make yourself feel good - it will help your battered self esteem. ( which I am sure has taken a hit) But remember this not about you - don't blame yourself ( I know it sounds silly & will be difficult not to do now) But trust me - he has made some very poor decisions but you are not to blame. 
Who knows what your husband is looking for - he probably doesn't know. But you can be damn sure what he found in the other woman won't last & is only a temporary band aid to his issues. If he doesn't get to the root of why is got involved with someone else - those same issues will resurface later. 
Good luck on the weeks/months ahead - keep us posted


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## tryingtotrust (Jul 16, 2007)

Cooper,

I too have been where you are in your marriage. Almost immediately after my husband and I married the problems began. He was(and still is) a cold person. 

I suspected he was internet cheating on me. He had no interest in sex, always said that he had things on his mind. Whenever I would talk to him about how it made me feel, i ended up feeling like i was needy. I was not that way before we married. I went from happy, confident, independent to insecure, unconfident and paranoid.

I decided to look for evidence that he was not just "working" on the internet. He was very good at covering his tracks. He would always have 2 or 3 tabs open on the computer so that if i walked by, he could close one out without me being suspicious. I found charges to our joint bank account for an online dating website(sexdepravedwives). That was when I lost it. I researched and found out that it was purchased from our computer with his credit card. He also had 3 or 4 email addresses which i checked and found some very disturbing things. Even with all this, I confronted him and he denied it, freaked out, told me i was paranoid and needy. Again it was all turned around on me. We are still together, and the computer is still a big issue for me. I just have to learn to cope with it if i'm going to stay with him.

Sounds like your wife doesn't appreciate what she has. I wish so many times that my husband would show me some concern. If i get hurt or get sick, he couldn't be bothered to try to make me feel better. When the garbage piles up, i'm the one to take it to the dumpster. I have a pinched nerve in my back and he never, ever asks how its doing, even though he knows it bothers me. 

Just wish that women like your wife would understand how lucky they are.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Any more I have come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter how much you do for your spouse, they are either commited to the marriage or not. I am just not the kind of person my wife wants to be married to. She knows I have made her life easy, given her much more than she could ever have managed on her own. She tells me I am a great husband and father. These things may make her respect me but not love being with me. Our differences have made me lose respect for her which makes it hard to stay in love with her. Cooper


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

to Tryingtotrust - why do you want to stay with your husband? has your husband given you any indication that you should trust him again (verbally or more importantly - in his actions)? you mentioned that you need to "learn to cope" if you want to stay with him. But I am asking you , why do you want to stay? It doesn't sound like you have had a happy marriage thus far? Are there any children involved? Ask yourself - is this the relationship & the man I want to spend the rest of my life with? 
By your husband turning things around & making you feel guilty because he is not "man" enough to admit to you or maybe himself -that he is not happy & to do something to fix it or move on. 

My husband did the same thing when I questioned/accused him of an affair - he said I had it all wrong & misunderstood. Then I felt awful & guilty for questioning him. He turned it back on me & never took responsiblity for his actions. But things still didn't sit right for me, so I kept looking & eventually found out more info. It took me digging for more information for 2 more months before the truth finally came out. I am not sure what he thought denying it would bring expect for a little more time for him to decided if would continue with the other woman, what he would tell me. I just wish he would have come out staight forwardly & told me he was so unhappy - so I could have changed the way things were before they got so bad. But I had no clue this was coming. 
I wish he would have had the integrity to come & tell me the truth & either decide he wanted to work on the marriage or leave. But none of this - I'll stay married & keep in contact with the other woman in the meantime, until I decide.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Ask her to leave - or let her know you are leaving. Nothing changes if nothing changes. She is comfortable with your discomfort - apply some of your own. Worse thing that happens is you speed up the time table for what is going to happen regardless.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

To Believer: Thanks for the kind words! 

I don't want to highjack Cooper's thread here, so I'll start another thread. I could use some input....


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## Pups (Jun 1, 2008)

Hire a detective and get your proof. Simple.


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## Pups (Jun 1, 2008)

Hire a detective and get your proof. Simple.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

To Pups: I did hire a PI. That's actually kind of funny when I look back to that meeting. After I presented everything to the PI, he jokingly told me I didn't need a PI. He told me I needed a lawyer! He was able to pull more information for me though.  I haven't had my spouse "tailed". That part of their service gets soooo expensive.


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## Pups (Jun 1, 2008)

Do it yourself. My husband tailed his exwife years ago. It worked.


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