# Friends with WS who cheated and left you?



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

It seems like most people strive for indifference or avoidance. 

Has anyone ever become friends again with an Ex who has lied, cheated and then left them for someone else? 

And by friends, I don't mean just putting on a friendly face for the kids' sakes.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Why? What's the motivation for doing such a thing? This person would have no integrity and be someone that betrayed you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

If so....what would be in it for you?


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Staystrong,
I am very close with my ex who cheated multiple times. We have 3 children though so it is mostly for them to see that mom made a mistake and we can forgive people of their wrongs. My ex knows we cannot stay married because of all the things that were done. We hang out with our children and go places sometimes. I did the leaving, however, not her so my situation is a little different. 

Most people will not be able to do this because there are too many lingering bad feelings toward a cheating spouse. You really have to be done with her on that level so you can "friend zone" her. Most men have a REALLY hard time being "friend zoned" by their ex-wives while they are getting in on with another dude. 

If you want to be friends with her make sure you go into it with NO expectations. If you are wanting to be friends with her to try to get her back you will be soundly disappointed. If she left you for another man then you can't compete with that. How is your friendship going to develop when she is pregnant with the OM's kid? How will you handle it when she is talking to you about her future wedding plans with OM? Her relationship with the OM will ALWAYS come before you. How does that make you feel?

If you are truly "done" then go for it but if not, avoidance is the best policy for YOUR emotional protection. Do you have children with her? If not, let her go.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

VERY well written. Sad I could only like this one time.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Married in VA said:


> Staystrong,
> I am very close with my ex who cheated multiple times. We have 3 children though so it is mostly for them to see that mom made a mistake and we can forgive people of their wrongs. My ex knows we cannot stay married because of all the things that were done. We hang out with our children and go places sometimes. I did the leaving, however, not her so my situation is a little different.
> 
> Most people will not be able to do this because there are too many lingering bad feelings toward a cheating spouse. You really have to be done with her on that level so you can "friend zone" her. Most men have a REALLY hard time being "friend zoned" by their ex-wives while they are getting in on with another dude.
> ...


Thanks. Good response.

I don't think I could ever be true "friends" with her, no. But that's sort of why I posed the question - because it seems so impossible, but so does "moving on" and everyone says I'll eventually do that, too. 

For me, it's still hard trying to muster up being "friendly" knowing what she has done. It's all an act for me. But if I'm not civil with her, it makes things worse. I'm not even sure what the difference is between civil, cordial and friendly. 

I don't think we would do activities with the kids together, at least not in the short term.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Sometimes we know the answer, we just want it justified. Give Va a hug


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Its sort of like saying has anyone taken a needle and repeatedly stuck it into one or both ears so many times that they bled profusely?

Make new friends.

You can't do any worse.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

The answers here suck but they are true. You are in my nightly prayers. I have a long list, and proud to have it


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Maybe I should put the focus on being "friendly", not being "friends" per se.

Is it a spectrum: civil, cordial, friendly .. with civil being the bare minimum forced show of "respect"?

If I had my way, I would not talk to her at all but yes we have children together. 

I guess what I was asking is do we go through Stages of this with our exes, or do most never talk again unless they have to? That's fine with me, I just know what my STBX suffered as a child because her father left her mother and there was really no kind interaction since then. I'm trying to be friendly with her in front of the kids, but maybe that's not the right lesson? Maybe it's better they know I judge their mom because she's a liar, cheater, etc.?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Pretend you weren't married to this person, you were just friends. In the course of this friendship, s/he lied to you, betrayed you, treated you disrespectfully. Your friendship fractured. Would you readily become this person's 'friend' again? 

Take the marriage aspect out of it. If you were not treated as you would have wanted to be treated by this person (and to a pretty extreme level), why extend yourself to be cut down again? At some point, it's just a no-brainer. 

If you have kids, you do what you have to to make the transition and time afterward as conflict-free as possible. No 'friendship' required to make that happen.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Ok, you posted while I was, lol.

You don't have to be friends. If you are polite, try to solve problems without conflict, and keep yourselves out of each other's lives (try not to do 'family' things together, etc.) your kids will get the idea that you do not respect their mom. 

You don't have to say a word. It will become more apparent as time goes by that you are dealing with her for them only, and have no desire to know about or share her life. Don't ask what she's up to, don't share what you're up to. If she asks, give monosyllabic 'non-answers.' It's tough to establish, but believe me, it can be done.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I personally wouldnt wnat to do anything to colour my kids view of their Mum. Easy to say as i am still mad about her and our split being about us and no an outside influence.

You're right in that the kids will learn lessons from your interactions. I doubt you want to be seen as judgemental, vindictive and the other connotations that would come from it. At the same time you don't want to be seen as weak and rolling over. Civi/cordial, business talk only would be the middle ground.

Sounds like any attempt at friendly would be very false which would be as negative a lesson as the opposite approach.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Okay, good ... it sounds like I am doing things the right way. 

I keep our interactions to the point. So does she for the most part.

Sometimes my STBX and I will start joking with each other, because it's natural for us to do that, and I have to catch myself. 

All I have to do is remember the betrayal and I wisen up.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

If you can get to that way of interacting and it's not painful then that would be fine but without the wound being healed..


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I recommend to everyone that you do not hate your ex, this will only cause you further pain, they aren't worth the trouble, If you have children, you need to be cordial for the children's sake. There is no requirement to be friends. I have know a few people who have achieved this level of relationship. There is no way that I could do that, I may forgive you, but I could never forget or trust them as a friend. I guess I'm not that evolved....lol.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

It's not necessarily a sign of being 'evolved' to put yourself in the hands of someone that is untrustworthy. It is self-protection. Nobody owes trust to someone who betrays them. It must be earned back. If they have not put the work into earning it, it's on them, not on you.

Yes, hatred hurts you more than your ex, so that doesn't make sense. But there's a wide span between wise & wary, and hate. 

I can share funny things about our son with my STBXH. We can speak without animosity about our divorce proceedings (for the most part, lol). I don't trust him as far as I could throw him (as my mom used to say), and he is not anyone I would ever consider a friend. I've finally been able compartmentalize aspects of the relationship we have now. I'm no longer hurt over his relationship with OW-now-GF. I don't want him, why do I hurt if he's with someone else? Therefore, I don't have to squelch those feelings of hurt or anger when I see them together. He's a stranger and he's dating someone.

OTOH, he's still the father of my son, and where that's concerned, I let my feelings be known, but I've worked really hard on learning how to present things effectively. He brings baggage about me when we communicate as well. I have to remember that, and learn to not react to him.

It's not something that happens automatically, that's for sure.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I'm inclined to think like VFW, thought I respect what you've been able to achieve AngelPixie. Perhaps it is harder for men to accept?

...

Do we have a choice about whom we hate? 

It seems as though hate is similar to love. 

We are told by our WS's that they could not help falling in love with the OM/OW, or falling out of love with us. 

I almost feel I can't help falling into hate. 

Does that make sense?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I heard the saying that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. I'm inclined to think that's true. By loving or hating someone, you're giving them power over you. It seems that hatred can be a temporary part of the process of falling out of love. In that hatred is hurt, anger, disgust, all of those feelings borne out of the destruction of the relationship. Part of the grieving process. Some people stay stuck there. They never take the power back from their ex. 

I don't think I equate the feelings of hatred from a break-up to feelings of 'love' that a cheating spouse _allows_ to develop. To quote a really old Catholic saying, they put themselves 'in the occasion of sin' and that _was_ their choice initially. People don't have to cheat, they choose to cheat. And that doesn't even begin to touch on the argument that a lot of times, those feelings aren't love; they're infatuation or good old-fashioned lust.

As you go through the phases of the break-up, you will feel all kinds of crazy emotions. I don't think many people are really happy about their divorces. I think a lot of them get to a point where they realized the truth of the situation they were in, and accept that the divorce was the best possible realistic outcome. 

And I was actually agreeing with VFW, lol. My point about being evolved was to disagree with what seemed to be his assumption that we should all be shooting for friendship if we want to consider ourselves evolved, healthy or whatever. After all, those who don't protect themselves don't live long enough to evolve.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

I believe the only reason you are asking this question is because you're too scared at the fact that she will 'hate you' if you don't play nice with her.

That standing up for yourself.

Keeping to yourself.

Not playing the games.

Not placing yourself in situations that are not healthy for you.

Ultimately creating a bigger 'wedge' between you too that cannot be 'fixed' later.

Deciding to become friends with your ex is not something that should be thought about right now.

You also could never become friends with her until you reach total detachment and indifference.

Are you there yet?


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I am definitely not there yet. 

But I'm no longer in the pining-over-her stage. 

However, I'm still in the sick-to-my-stomach stage due to the betrayal, abandonment and all the drama since. 

I'm not scared of her hating me. 

I do have pain over how she views me; I think it's an unfair assessment of me. 

Currently, I avoid contact with her. A few emails about the kids, a moments on Skype before I talk to the kids. 

What does standing up for myself mean at this stage? I set my boundaries, priorities, etc. I can't undo my prior "weakness" in trying to reconcile with a woman who walked all over me. 

She did something awful. 

It's hard to look at her without all that coming to my head. 

It's just difficult when I can't walk away and when I wasn't the one to say GTFO.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

You're going through the phases we all go through, Strong. Keep with it. Keep exercising your boundaries, limiting contact, etc. The next phase is to get through those feelings of how unfair her assessment of you is. Sure it's unfair. But...eventually, in order to heal (for your sake and your kids'), you'll have to let go of how unfair this was; how unjust are her feelings towards you, etc. At some point, it hits you that holding on to that does _you no good_. 

I went through all the same stuff. Most of us here did. To truly move forward, you get to the point where you say, 'Yeah, I don't agree with their recollection of what went on in our marriage. They don't agree with my recollection. It will sort itself out. These things always get sorted out sooner or later. I only have this one life ahead of me. Do I really want to give any more of it to this person who's been sucking the life out of me? No. I want to be happy from now on. I want to be a good parent from now on." And you let that person, and all the crap connected to your feelings on what s/he did to you, *go*. 

It doesn't mean you think what s/he did was OK. It doesn't mean you have to forgive them. It certainly doesn't mean you forget. It means you stop letting those feelings control you. 

It takes time and it takes effort. But it's doable. It just depends on how badly you want it to happen.


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