# Wife phone contact with man from 20 years ago,



## Madeofstars (Jan 5, 2018)

In January 2021 a man and former classmate emailed my wife. They then began a secret online and phone relationship. I discovered it in June last year. She said it is nothing, now they talk for anything up to 50 minutes. She says it’s just friendship and that he means nothing to her. He has sent a message in her past inviting her to a town he was staying in, away from his wife. She said it was just a joke.

I found out on Valentine’s Day that he sent a single red rose anonymously. I wrote to him and he told me it is just friendship from the old days. She told him the rose was her Valentine. He backed off for a week, but now he’s back. Anyone else have a similar experience? She seems to need to speak to this man. However she states he is just a friend and means nothing to her.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

I would highly recommend putting a gps tracker on her vehicle and a voice activated recorder under the steering column. You should be able to use Velcro to attach it behind a dash panel. Also hide one inside the house wherever she talks on the phone.

I went through almost the same identical situation with a girlfriend before I met my current wife. She was also supposedly just friends with an old classmate and she claimed nothing was happening. I noticed more phone calls between them, she would leave the room to talk, and anytime I would ask what they talked about, she would say oh nothing serious.

I installed the voice activated recorder and within two days discovered she was banging him in the car. And even with concrete proof, she flat denied they had sex 

But man, I seriously feel for you and I know that sickening feeling inside. But you know inside this ain't no platonic friendship.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Madeofstars said:


> In January 2021 a man and former classmate emailed my wife. They then began a secret online and phone relationship. I discovered it in June last year. She said it is nothing, now they talk for anything up to 50 minutes. She says it’s just friendship and that he means nothing to her. He has sent a message in her past inviting her to a town he was staying in, away from his wife. She said it was just a joke.
> 
> I found out on Valentine’s Day that he sent a single red rose anonymously. I wrote to him and he told me it is just friendship from the old days. She told him the rose was her Valentine. He backed off for a week, but now he’s back. Anyone else have a similar experience? She seems to need to speak to this man. However she states he is just a friend and means nothing to her.


Welcome to TAM @Madeofstars 
I‘m sorry to be the the One to break this to you but your wife is having an emotional affair with this man right under your nose. And you’re letting her.

There is also a very high likelihood that this is a also physical affair. You just haven’t caught her.

Try getting a voice activated recorder and putting it where she makes the phones call.
Check her phone for texts, pictures, videos, exchanged between them.

You‘re not going to like what you find, I can almost guarantee it. So start thinking now about your next step. Will you divorce? Will you accept it and live with an open marriage?


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## jparistotle (Jul 10, 2018)

Madeofstars said:


> In January 2021 a man and former classmate emailed my wife. They then began a secret online and phone relationship. I discovered it in June last year. She said it is nothing, now they talk for anything up to 50 minutes. She says it’s just friendship and that he means nothing to her. He has sent a message in her past inviting her to a town he was staying in, away from his wife. She said it was just a joke.
> 
> I found out on Valentine’s Day that he sent a single red rose anonymously. I wrote to him and he told me it is just friendship from the old days. She told him the rose was her Valentine. He backed off for a week, but now he’s back. Anyone else have a similar experience? She seems to need to speak to this man. However she states he is just a friend and means nothing to her.


Tell his wife. Have your wife tell his wife. There should be no secrets if it is nothing.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

This back alley romance only thrives in secrecy. Expose to the OM's wife (and don't warn your wife).
The emotion and time she spends with him is yours. She's draining your marriage. And to make it worse - it's a fantasy.She doesn't really know this guy.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Madeofstars said:


> In January 2021 a man and former classmate emailed my wife. They then began a secret online and phone relationship. I discovered it in June last year. She said it is nothing, now they talk for anything up to 50 minutes. She says it’s just friendship and that he means nothing to her. He has sent a message in her past inviting her to a town he was staying in, away from his wife. She said it was just a joke.
> 
> I found out on Valentine’s Day that he sent a single red rose anonymously. I wrote to him and he told me it is just friendship from the old days. She told him the rose was her Valentine. He backed off for a week, but now he’s back. Anyone else have a similar experience? She seems to need to speak to this man. However she states he is just a friend and means nothing to her.


Oh my the ol’ “just a friendship“ comment. ********. Your wife is lying. She is for certain in an emotional affair(EA), and if he has been in close proximity you can bet your ass it was a physical affair (PA). Just a friendship does not mean sending roses to someone of the opposite sex.

Contact his wife. Next schedule a polygraph for your wife. She is complicit, too.

PS: search electronic devices for emails and texts. If she has Facebook, check posts and messenger.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My exH pulled that “just a friend” stuff too. They weren’t. Your wife‘s isn’t either. She may or may not be physically cheating but she’s definitely emotionally invested in him (he wants it to be physical, of course, or he wouldn’t be wasting his time and at some point it might). Three in a marriage doesn’t work for most people.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

They are both lying to you.

I would get ahold of his wife and ask her if she knows anything. Especially ask her about him inviting your wife to meet up.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If there was nothing to it then why the secrecy? It's an emotional affair that may well go physical. Probably would have if they lived closer. 
In your place I would say it has to stop immediately or the marriage is over. Then I would make sure his wife knows about it, especially the red rose and the invitation to meet. Dont tell your wife that you are telling guys wife.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Classic affair. Your passive reaction to another man chasing your wife and sending her flowers is dooming you. You clearly haven’t experienced infidelity before so I’ll help you with a phrase that I should have listened to:
You have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. Weakness and fear will cause you to lose your wife. File for divorce abd immediately tell the OtherMan’s wife all you know. If you have a copy of the text “joke” where he asked her to meet up,show it.
If your weak attitude continues, you have zero chance of saving your marriage. She already has feelings for another man. It’s likely over anyway. I’m very sorry.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Madeofstars said:


> In January 2021 a man and former classmate emailed my wife. They then began a secret online and phone relationship. I discovered it in June last year. She said it is nothing, now they talk for anything up to 50 minutes. She says it’s just friendship and that he means nothing to her. He has sent a message in her past inviting her to a town he was staying in, away from his wife. She said it was just a joke.
> 
> I found out on Valentine’s Day that he sent a single red rose anonymously. I wrote to him and he told me it is just friendship from the old days. She told him the rose was her Valentine. He backed off for a week, but now he’s back. Anyone else have a similar experience? She seems to need to speak to this man. However she states he is just a friend and means nothing to her.


Ask your wife if she’s ready to divorce over it.

Then inform _his_ wife.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You’ll likely never stop this. She will just find another way to communicate with him or find a new one. You married a cheater.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

This is called an affair. My ex did something similar.

She's a cheater.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think it’s common for many people to not see texts, FB private messages etc as cheating. I think that could be you, OP - that since your wife hasn’t had sex yet with this guy that there is nothing to be concerned with. But emotional affairs are just as deadly to a marriage as physical affairs. Your wife passing it off as just friendship is to just keep you from pressing the issue.

I’m normally not a fan of getting involved in another person’s life (betrayed spouses telling the other betrayed spouse the truth) but in this case, it might be what stops these advances. But that doesn’t mean your problem has gone away, because the problem isn’t him, it’s your wife and her disrespect of you and the marriage. He is just a symptom of a larger issue and that is what you’ll need to sort out. I hope things get better for you.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Tell her if she must continue communicating with him - she must move and you will file for divorce! If it’s so important to keep I touch with him - she isn’t prioritizing you and the marriage.

she making a mockery of you! Stop allowing it! You’ve been a chump for nearly a year! She thinks she can betray you right to your face. She doesn’t respect you at all!

why have you allowed it with no consequences?


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Madeofstars said:


> In January 2021 a man and former classmate emailed my wife. They then began a secret online and phone relationship. I discovered it in June last year. She said it is nothing, now they talk for anything up to 50 minutes. She says it’s just friendship and that he means nothing to her. He has sent a message in her past inviting her to a town he was staying in, away from his wife. She said it was just a joke.
> 
> I found out on Valentine’s Day that he sent a single red rose anonymously. I wrote to him and he told me it is just friendship from the old days. She told him the rose was her Valentine. He backed off for a week, but now he’s back. Anyone else have a similar experience? She seems to need to speak to this man. However she states he is just a friend and means nothing to her.


You can put fear into her that she is about to lose the marriage, but that risks ending up with someone that chose you out of fear and not value.

That’s what happened in my case. Along with the rug sweeping, it’s made for an unhappy, doubt-filled ten years or so. I don’t recommend it.

What I wish I had done was more investigation and surveillance, before alerting them to what I knew. I wish I could talk again to his wife at the time, and face more clearly what she knew about their relationship.

Also in my case, I wish I wouldn’t have taken comfort in the fact he would have in reality been an awful long term partner in real life, considering his hard core alcoholism. She was choosing him, for whatever reason, over me for various things, in the present moment at the time.

What your wife is doing is wrong. Do not be tempted to think she is incapable of being a cheater or a liar. Ask yourself if you can truly believe she has done what you already have proof she has done. If it’s hard to swallow, be on guard that wishful thinking could be very harmful to yourself.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

They say the book “Not just friends” by Shirley Glass has something valuable to say about Emotional Affairs (EAs). I haven’t read it, but you might look it up.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Madeofstars said:


> In January 2021 a man and former classmate emailed my wife. They then began a secret online and phone relationship. I discovered it in June last year. She said it is nothing, now they talk for anything up to 50 minutes. She says it’s just friendship and that he means nothing to her.


Whatever you do, please do not confront her just yet. Based on just these lines above I suspect that she'll deny anything and everything as long as she knows that you have no proof for it. I think she'll even deny it even when she knows that you have proof for it. 

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. Now you need to go into detective mode. You need to start gathering evidence. You need to act complaisant so that she may think that she's got you covered while you are collecting all this information.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I thought about what I would do about this if it happened to me. Given I have read stories about this now forever, hiding the guy and the rose -

I would sit my wife and tell her I am already pissed off because she hid a relationship with a man from her past and kept it secret. Then I would say - "If you cheat on me I will divorce you, you won't get a second chance. I love you with all my heart but it is not enough to allow you to abuse me. You are already acting like a asshole right now. Again I will divorce you and it will be brutal I will not be kind, because you cheated, it will be like died. We won't be friends. We will never talk again, you will forget what I look like. So it's up to you. You want to keep hidden friends that is sending you roses, not defend me and the marriage, OK then I will defend myself."

She knows me, she knows I would not be bluffing. I have never talked to her like that before, because I have never had to. By the way if she told me she wanted to divorce I would have a much fairer take. I will spaceghost anyone who cheats on me. 

I would then get the guy work number and call him, I would ask him where he gets off sending my wife flowers. I would ask to speak to that guys wife. I would ask if she knows he is sending my wife flowers? I would then tell him at some point she will because I will make sure she does. I might even show up at his house. **** that guy, he wants to mess with your well being return in kind.

Finally I would probably leave and go out alone for about a week and let my wife set home alone. I would probably go out with my friends and stuff. Just to remind my wife that I am quite capable of having a nice life without here. I would also be cold.

But then again I am not nice, and I don't care if anyone is bothered by that, even my wife.

I hear the argument about the wife being motivated by fear. I'm cool with that. As we have read here all the time, fear is a hell of a motivator. It will be fear and respect, and I don't care what anyone says, women find that attractive. WOMEN LIKE STRENGTH. One day she will tell you how hot she thought it was. My default my marriage is to be attentive and kind, I have already set that tone. It's OK if when my wife is pushing cheated on me it my wife is scared of the consequence. I got no problem with that.


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## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

Sorry man.
I am agreeing with most of what people are saying except the tracking, lie detector, etc. There is no need for that. It depends on what you want. Do you want to forgive? Can you forgive? It's at least an emotional affair and definitely sounds physical. She is walking all over you. I've been in a similar situation and she initiated divorce, claimed I abused here, yada yada. I uncovered creepy emotional stuff on her phone and I heard the old, "first we're good friends... I was going to invite you out for drinks and the cabin too." 🤣😆 There is always an excuse of why he/she is not at fault and you are with a sociopath.

Trust me, your questions about her motives, your faults, etc. is just garbage. She is cheating!!! If you can forgive, get help like therapy, pastor, etc. If not, then you need to face divorce and get a lawyer. You don't deserve what she is doing regardless if she stops or not. This will only get worse if not addressed and your overall health will decline.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

It's time to DEAL with reality OP.

Like so many on this sub, I've been cheated on too, it's incredibly difficult, disorienting, your life is pulled out from underneath you etc.

As painful and difficult as this is, it will get worse if you don't DEAL with this.

Deal with this aggressively. She will blame you, gaslight you (which she's already done), she will lie to you (which she's already done).

OP, she'd be hurt and pissed off if you were doing this with another lady yet since it's her doing this, it's OK, it's fine, you have nothing to worry about.

That's BS and you KNOW it.

Now what are you going to do about it?


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## recovering2018 (Sep 9, 2021)

OP, I'm sorry this happened.

Based on the way you wrote this, I'm assuming that he lives some distance away and that a physical affair may have been impractical. Either way, she has been cheating on you, at least emotionally.

My feeling is that you don't need any additional proof to choose your path. Secret communications, flowers, and out of town invites are more than enough. You either accept that she has and will have a boyfriend or you don't. If you don't, then she has to agree to complete monitoring and NC (no contact) with AP. If she doesn't agree, then you file for D. And make it clear to her that if she violates NC, you will file.

And if AP is married, definitely tell his wife.

I wish you well.


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## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

You have enough to take affirmative action. I would contact his wife by phone and have a heart-to-heart conversation about what you know and suspect. See if she can provide additional information. Next, have a serious conversation with your wife concerning the extent of the affair. Yes, it is an affair, and you have a right to know what has been going on, including access to all e-mails and texts. Demand to see all her electronic devices and passwords to her social media accounts immediately. Explain to her that you want the truth about the extent of the affair and will turn over every possible stone to find out so she had better come clean. Tell her that you have contacted his wife and that the two of you are in the process of sharing notes so she better come clean now. Finally, ask her if she desires to end the marriage. Tell her that you will do so, yourself if she doesn't come clean. 

She has to undergo counseling to investigate why she decided to jeopardize her marriage. Of course, if she wants out, go see a lawyer. Finally, if the two of you agree to work on the marriage, she must send a NC letter to the AP and apologize to the OMS. But tell her that you will continue to talk to the OMS periodically to check up on whether the two of you keep to NC. Basically, raise holy hell. If she deviates at all, go see a lawyer. Tell her you will do that. Don't put up with one more drop of ******** from her.

BTW, do not go to an MC. Some of them are real trolls. You might find one that sympathizes with your wife's desire to talk to this "friend" from the past and that you should accept her desire to do so. You should take her word that nothing funny is going on. These therapists are out there.


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## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

SRCSRC said:


> You have enough to take affirmative action. I would contact his wife by phone and have a heart-to-heart conversation about what you know and suspect. See if she can provide additional information. Next, have a serious conversation with your wife concerning the extent of the affair. Yes, it is an affair, and you have a right to know what has been going on, including access to all e-mails and texts. Demand to see all her electronic devices and passwords to her social media accounts immediately. Explain to her that you want the truth about the extent of the affair and will turn over every possible stone to find out so she had better come clean. Tell her that you have contacted his wife and that the two of you are in the process of sharing notes so she better come clean now. Finally, ask her if she desires to end the marriage. Tell her that you will do so, yourself if she doesn't come clean.
> 
> She has to undergo counseling to investigate why she decided to jeopardize her marriage. Of course, if she wants out, go see a lawyer. Finally, if the two of you agree to work on the marriage, she must send a NC letter to the AP and apologize to the OMS. But tell her that you will continue to talk to the OMS periodically to check up on whether the two of you keep to NC. Basically, raise holy hell. If she deviates at all, go see a lawyer. Tell her you will do that. Don't put up with one more drop of ****** from her.


I'm not trying to be mean or start a war. OP has enough evidence to get a divorce and move on. If he doesn't, then that's on him or maybe they can work it out. Others and I have put our opinions on here. I highly caution about contacting the wife of cheater, demanding passwords, going through emails, guessing passwords, etc. Your running afoul of breaking laws, getting a no contact order, DV, altercations, trauma for children, etc.
I know because my ex's divorce is almost over. I have followed my attorney's advice on legal issues as best as I can without fireworks. I did see my ex's text because she was dumb enough to lock me out of the phone account. We threatened a subpeona. She thought giving me her password fixed that when she just had to give me access to bills, number records, etc. She didn't know I could see text on the phone account going back like 60 days. That is legal because she gave me the password (access). No one can be forced to hand over private information without discovery or a subpeona. You can't snoop in your spouse's/SO electronic files if they say you can't or you can't prove you know the password or have access.
OP, seriously, get to working on you and move on!! It's a process but life will be so much better. You have way better evidence than I found to peacefully move on! Trust me, if you're really a good guy and catch, you will find someone that Doesn't treat you like an ATM or toilet paper.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

See I disagree as to the method of dealing with this. She gets no options. She doesn’t get asked if she wants to end the marriage. It’s divorce and he should mean it, because it’s the right thing to do. If and only if SHE comes around wearing sackcloth and ashes and Freely GIVES The truth and begs forgiveness, he could maybe (not the smart thing to do with a cheater) back off the divorce.

Any thing other than nuclear bomb, complete IDGAF attitude toward her, and no asking hack crap will provide an opportunity for her to come to a sudden reality that OP is fine and she wasn’t such hot stuff after all.

The only thing asking questions, asking for loyalty, asking for ANYTHING gets is disrespect, disdain, and detachment by her.

Showing the slightest weakness is an error that leads to disrespect and therefore eventual divorce.


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## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

teutonic_metal said:


> I'm not trying to be mean or start a war. OP has enough evidence to get a divorce and move on. If he doesn't, then that's on him or maybe they can work it out. Others and I have put our opinions on here. I highly caution about contacting the wife of cheater, demanding passwords, going through emails, guessing passwords, etc. Your running afoul of breaking laws, getting a no contact order, DV, altercations, trauma for children, etc.
> I know because my ex's divorce is almost over. I have followed my attorney's advice on legal issues as best as I can without fireworks. I did see my ex's text because she was dumb enough to lock me out of the phone account. We threatened a subpeona. She thought giving me her password fixed that when she just had to give me access to bills, number records, etc. She didn't know I could see text on the phone account going back like 60 days. That is legal because she gave me the password (access). No one can be forced to hand over private information without discovery or a subpeona. You can't snoop in your spouse's/SO electronic files if they say you can't or you can't prove you know the password or have access.
> OP, seriously, get to working on you and move on!! It's a process but life will be so much better. You have way better evidence than I found to peacefully move on! Trust me, if you're really a good guy and catch, you will find someone that Doesn't treat you like an ATM or toilet paper.


Better read again my entry. Nothing I suggested is illegal. Not even close. The WW does not have to agree to turn over anything. I am not suggesting that he get this information by force. As for contacting the OMS, how is that illegal in any universe? Finally, where do I say she should get some sort of legal instrument to go NC? Better learn to read before you open your trap.


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## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

SRCSRC said:


> Better read again my entry. Nothing I suggested is illegal. Not even close. The WW does not have to agree to turn over anything. I am not suggesting that he get this information by force. As for contacting the OMS, how is that illegal in any universe?


I said I didn't want to start a war. He can ask her for it and she can turn it over with no coercion. I said he would be running in dangerous territory of legal issues. Contacting the other wife? Demanding passwords and access? Comparing notes with the other wife or she better come clean? The cheater can use that as threats from OP and go for a no contact order. OP is asking for more drama and huge explosions that could get very messy. Has OP been wronged and justice need to be served? Of course, but all these recommendations will cause more harm when OP has enough proof it's over. I'm sorry OP. If she wants to work on herself and win you back to ammend the relationship great.
I'm just saying be cool, rational, and think things through. I came close to doing some dumb things. You don't want a no contact order, police called, court action, etc. Either tell her your ultimatum to end it and work on things or consult an attorney.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

This is at the very least an emotional affair. If this guy is close to your town or her workplace, it will very likely already be a sexual affair. Like everyone else has advised, you need to expose this POS to his wife without letting your wife know. He will dump your wife as he scrambles to save his marriage. I would also expose your wife to her family. After that, watch her actions. If she’s still trying to reach out to OM, serve her D papers because it means she’s completely detached from you.


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## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

teutonic_metal said:


> I said I didn't want to start a war. He can ask her for it and she can turn it over with no coercion. I said he would be running in dangerous territory of legal issues. Contacting the other wife? Demanding passwords and access? Comparing notes with the other wife or she better come clean? The cheater can use that as threats from OP and go for a no contact order. OP is asking for more drama and huge explosions that could get very messy. Has OP been wronged and justice need to be served? Of course, but all these recommendations will cause more harm when OP has enough proof it's over. I'm sorry OP. If she wants to work on herself and win you back to ammend the relationship great.
> I'm just saying be cool, rational, and think things through. I came close to doing some dumb things. You don't want a no contact order, police called, court action, etc. Either tell her your ultimatum to end it and work on things or consult an attorney.


Unless he illegally uses coercion such as force, threats of violence, blackmail or other such nonsense, he has a right to demand the information. She has the right to deny his request. That's it. What I suggest is a normal and much-used response by a betrayed spouse to get to the bottom of what is going on. He is not ready to move on. He does have some information concerning texts/emails. If she wants to save the marriage, she should prove it by being transparent. If she refuses to be transparent, OP has his answer and should then go see a lawyer. That's all I am saying. There is not a hint of illegality or bad advice. It's very typical advice.


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## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

SRCSRC said:


> Unless he illegally uses coercion such as force, threats of violence, blackmail or other such nonsense, he has a right to demand the information. She has the right to deny his request. That's it. What I suggest is a normal and much-used response by a betrayed spouse to get to the bottom of what is going on. He is not ready to move on. He does have some information concerning texts/emails. If she wants to save the marriage, she should prove it by being transparent. If she refuses to be transparent, OP has his answer and should then go see a lawyer. That's all I am saying. There is not a hint of illegality or bad advice. It's very typical advice.


I'm in agreement with that last statement. However, earlier it was mentioned to contact the other wife and compare notes, demand passwords and access to accounts, etc. Others are recommending contacting family. This could get very ugly. It's slightly happened in my ex's requested divorce with what ex has done. It got really trashy and made things worse. 
Cheaters will never admit they're wrong unless there is a motive for them to gain something. Cheaters will hide things. My ex locked me out of cellphone account. I think he should take the high road and move on. OP already has enough evidence. It's just my opinion though. I know the temptations to get even or burn her play world to the ground sound great. It won't accomplish anything though.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Madeofstars said:


> In January 2021 a man and former classmate emailed my wife. They then began a secret online and phone relationship. I discovered it in June last year. She said it is nothing, now they talk for anything up to 50 minutes. She says it’s just friendship and that he means nothing to her. He has sent a message in her past inviting her to a town he was staying in, away from his wife. She said it was just a joke.
> 
> I found out on Valentine’s Day that he sent a single red rose anonymously. I wrote to him and he told me it is just friendship from the old days. She told him the rose was her Valentine. He backed off for a week, but now he’s back. Anyone else have a similar experience? She seems to need to speak to this man. However she states he is just a friend and means nothing to her.


_She seems to need to speak to this man. _Whatever the draw she is attracted to him, always has been and she will choose him over you.

_He has sent a message in her past inviting her to a town he was staying in, away from his wife. She said it was just a joke. _*It was no joke. * He wants to bed your wife and she will go to him at the first opportunity.

_she states he is just a friend and means nothing to her. _More than one cheating wife has told the same lie to her husband. *He is more important to your wife than you are. He is her priority, not you her husband.*

Have divorce papers drawn up and tell your wife they don't mean anything. That you will always be married to her in your heart even when you are divorced and she is out of your life.

You can continue to be patient with your wayward wife and accept her lies and excuses. You will be disappointed with the end result. She has already chosen the other man.

The question for you what do you choose? Are you going to keep a cheating wife under your roof or cut her loose and fine a woman worthy of your time and effort?


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

marko polo said:


> _ She said it was just a joke. _*It was no joke*


OP knows it wasn't a joke, the only question is what he's going to do about it.

What his wife said to him about that, that it was a joke was so damn flimsy that no one could ever believe that.

A man wouldn't joke about meeting up with a married lady in another town, when his own wife wasn't going to be there.

These aren't 15 year olds, these are grown adults so OP KNOWS this wasn't a joke.

He also knows his wife lied to him when she said that to him.

Again, the only question is what OP is going to do about this.

OP, ask your wife when lying became OK in your marriage and relationship. Ask her if she's OK with you lying to you since she's now lying to you.

She'll lie to you again and tell you she has NOT lied to you and that's when you call her out on her BS and her lying about the so called "joke" of him inviting her out of town.

Tell her she's not the lady you know and married. Tell her that you're appalled that she could even tell you, with a straight face, such a bald faced lie.

Tell her you know she's not dumb enough to think that man was joking.

OP, do something, please.

Aggressively DEAL with this. It's your marriage for God's sake.


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## Madeofstars (Jan 5, 2018)

Madeofstars said:


> In January 2021 a man and former classmate emailed my wife. They then began a secret online and phone relationship. I discovered it in June last year. She said it is nothing, now they talk for anything up to 50 minutes. She says it’s just friendship and that he means nothing to her. He has sent a message in her past inviting her to a town he was staying in, away from his wife. She said it was just a joke.
> 
> I found out on Valentine’s Day that he sent a single red rose anonymously. I wrote to him and he told me it is just friendship from the old days. She told him the rose was her Valentine. He backed off for a week, but now he’s back. Anyone else have a similar experience? She seems to need to speak to this man. However she states he is just a friend and means nothing to her.


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## Madeofstars (Jan 5, 2018)

Thanks for all the advice. Some of your experiences are so similar it’s shocking. I have confronted her. So much so that she said the lady 6 months have been hell for her. I’m like a bulldog with a bone, I never give up. We had huge argument about valentines. But it ended up an argument about me contacting her friend. She says I made her feel dirty, that I acted like an ugly person and was I going to vet everybody in her life, I said no, only the ones you started in secret. 
Then when I said I would contact his wife, she told me not to go crazy. Funny enough, just after that I hit an anonymous call from someone saying I was overly contacting his wife and he would destroy my business!
She has changed in the last year. Late forties and newpromotion and new place to work in a male dominated environment. I can see the change, even wearing skimpy tops to work only fit for a club. She even absented herself to a hotel at the start of March for two nights and three days as driving 120km both ways was too much. After that she has been far too sweet. She is a very closed person and lacks empathy, but now I see a different woman. She said she just talks to their guy for blah blah entertainment in the car on long trips. She said she would never have accepted the out of town invitation without me as her husband. But when I added her three times before the argument had she had such messsges, she lied and said no. She lies real pretty. One again, thanks to everyone.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Madeofstars said:


> Thanks for all the advice. Some of your experiences are so similar it’s shocking. I have confronted her. So much so that she said the lady 6 months have been hell for her. I’m like a bulldog with a bone, I never give up. We had huge argument about valentines. But it ended up an argument about me contacting her friend. She says I made her feel dirty, that I acted like an ugly person and was I going to vet everybody in her life, I said no, only the ones you started in secret.
> Then when I said I would contact his wife, she told me not to go crazy. Funny enough, just after that I hit an anonymous call from someone saying I was overly contacting his wife and he would destroy my business!
> She has changed in the last year. Late forties and newpromotion and new place to work in a male dominated environment. I can see the change, even wearing skimpy tops to work only fit for a club. She even absented herself to a hotel at the start of March for two nights and three days as driving 120km both ways was too much. After that she has been far too sweet. She is a very closed person and lacks empathy, but now I see a different woman. She said she just talks to their guy for blah blah entertainment in the car on long trips. She said she would never have accepted the out of town invitation without me as her husband. But when I added her three times before the argument had she had such messsges, she lied and said no. She lies real pretty. One again, thanks to everyone.


So what’s next for you then @Madeofstars ?

Are you ready to end this story of betrayal and bs? There’s no need for me to tell you what’s happening because you already know. The next step is to let her go…let her behave however she wants.

Whats next?


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## plastow (Jan 4, 2022)

Madeofstars said:


> In January 2021 a man and former classmate emailed my wife. They then began a secret online and phone relationship. I discovered it in June last year. She said it is nothing, now they talk for anything up to 50 minutes. She says it’s just friendship and that he means nothing to her. He has sent a message in her past inviting her to a town he was staying in, away from his wife. She said it was just a joke.
> 
> I found out on Valentine’s Day that he sent a single red rose anonymously. I wrote to him and he told me it is just friendship from the old days. She told him the rose was her Valentine. He backed off for a week, but now he’s back. Anyone else have a similar experience? She seems to need to speak to this man. However she states he is just a friend and means nothing to her.


tell her if she has to speek to this guy go and see him but you will not accept her back when she wants to return and if she doesnt return then you know you had lost her anyway


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Deliver papers. Refuse to listen to bs. Get out. The only way you should even consider staying is if you are begged and her attitude and behavior totally changes.

what most men don’t understand is once a woman gives her emotions to another man, they evaporate for their husband and they eventually divorce them, only staying married until they figure out how to be set financially.


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## Bounceback67 (9 mo ago)

I agree with BR007, i think your wife is set on a path of destruction. You may have to stand your ground and be prepaired to walk away - Good Luck !


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I would highly recommend putting a gps tracker on her vehicle and a voice activated recorder under the steering column. You should be able to use Velcro to attach it behind a dash panel. Also hide one inside the house wherever she talks on the phone.
> 
> I went through almost the same identical situation with a girlfriend before I met my current wife. She was also supposedly just friends with an old classmate and she claimed nothing was happening. I noticed more phone calls between them, she would leave the room to talk, and anytime I would ask what they talked about, she would say oh nothing serious.
> 
> ...


These replies truly baffle me. Why in the world would you need to put a GPS tracker on your wife's car? a lie detector...? really? GUYS...IF YOU THINK YOUR WIFE IS BANGING SOMEONE ELSE, SHE IS MAKING YOU FEEL THAT WAY. THAT ALONE SHOULD SPEAK VOLUMES TO HER AN YOU AND IF AT THAT POINT SHE STILL CONTINUES HER BEHAVIOR....MOVE ON FOR CHRISSAKES!!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

She is thinking more of how SHE feels than how she caused YOU harm!
Divorce her now!

she isn’t capable of repairing the damage SHE caused as long as she is only thinking of herself!!!!


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Madeofstars said:


> Thanks for all the advice. Some of your experiences are so similar it’s shocking. I have confronted her. So much so that she said the lady 6 months have been hell for her. I’m like a bulldog with a bone, I never give up. We had huge argument about valentines. But it ended up an argument about me contacting her friend. She says I made her feel dirty, that I acted like an ugly person and was I going to vet everybody in her life, I said no, only the ones you started in secret.
> Then when I said I would contact his wife, *she told me not to go crazy*. Funny enough,* just after that I hit an anonymous call from someone saying I was overly contacting his wife and he would destroy my business!*


WOW, just WOW! I do not have words to express what I'm thinking about this. First of all it's really not up to her to dictate to you whether to go "crazy" or not. But by telling you "not to go crazy", she's protecting the other man's interests at the cost of trashing yours. Just by that one sentence, she showed to you where her loyalties lie.

What does that man thinks that he can make such threat about destroying your business and get away with it? I think he may bank on getting inside information from your wife in order to facilitate that. I'd strongly suggest that you start protecting your business books and accounts from your wife. Keep all that under a lock and key at a location where she does not have access to. Do not divulge any information to her.



Madeofstars said:


> She has changed in the last year. Late forties and newpromotion and new place to work in a male dominated environment. I can see the change, even wearing skimpy tops to work only fit for a club. She even absented herself to a hotel at the start of March for two nights and three days as driving 120km both ways was too much. After that she has been far too sweet. She is a very closed person and lacks empathy, but now I see a different woman. She said she just talks to their guy for blah blah entertainment in the car on long trips. She said she would never have accepted the out of town invitation without me as her husband. But when I added her three times before the argument had she had such messsges, she lied and said no. She lies real pretty. One again, thanks to everyone.


Honestly, you are seeing all the information here. You are just not connecting the dots. In other words, you are not seeing the Forest for the trees.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Send his wife a rose but send it with your name on it and a note explaining the situation.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Asterix said:


> But by telling you "not to go crazy", she's protecting the other man's interests at the cost of trashing yours. Just by that one sentence, she showed to you where her loyalties lie.


@Asterix is right and brings up a very important distinction which shows where her loyalties lie.

You should just dump her, but if you need more evidence, VAR in car will get it.


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## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

Madeofstars said:


> Thanks for all the advice. Some of your experiences are so similar it’s shocking. I have confronted her. So much so that she said the lady 6 months have been hell for her. I’m like a bulldog with a bone, I never give up. We had huge argument about valentines. But it ended up an argument about me contacting her friend. She says I made her feel dirty, that I acted like an ugly person and was I going to vet everybody in her life, I said no, only the ones you started in secret.
> Then when I said I would contact his wife, she told me not to go crazy. Funny enough, just after that I hit an anonymous call from someone saying I was overly contacting his wife and he would destroy my business!
> She has changed in the last year. Late forties and newpromotion and new place to work in a male dominated environment. I can see the change, even wearing skimpy tops to work only fit for a club. She even absented herself to a hotel at the start of March for two nights and three days as driving 120km both ways was too much. After that she has been far too sweet. She is a very closed person and lacks empathy, but now I see a different woman. She said she just talks to their guy for blah blah entertainment in the car on long trips. She said she would never have accepted the out of town invitation without me as her husband. But when I added her three times before the argument had she had such messsges, she lied and said no. She lies real pretty. One again, thanks to everyone.


I have said contacting his wife will cause more drama. It will. I know it may sound good and feel good but it won't produce good results. I would consult with an attorney. There is little chance of fixing this and I agree with the ridiculous response of lie detector, gps, etc. You already have enough evidence for moving on. So move on! It's up to you. Good luck OP!


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## JWakk (Sep 14, 2020)

Madeofstars said:


> In January 2021 a man and former classmate emailed my wife. They then began a secret online and phone relationship. I discovered it in June last year. She said it is nothing, now they talk for anything up to 50 minutes. She says it’s just friendship and that he means nothing to her. He has sent a message in her past inviting her to a town he was staying in, away from his wife. She said it was just a joke.
> 
> I found out on Valentine’s Day that he sent a single red rose anonymously. I wrote to him and he told me it is just friendship from the old days. She told him the rose was her Valentine. He backed off for a week, but now he’s back. Anyone else have a similar experience? She seems to need to speak to this man. However she states he is just a friend and means nothing to her.


They always say it's nothing but if so why keep it secret. This needs to be snipped now because it is already way out of hand, Tell her goes or you do and really mean it as she is just keeping you around to see if he will commit to her if not she will just keep you around. You need to shock her out of her fog and if she doesn't stop get the divorce papers in action you can always stop it later but show you mean what you say if she doesn't care you will soon know.


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## JWakk (Sep 14, 2020)

teutonic_metal said:


> I have said contacting his wife will cause more drama. It will. I know it may sound good and feel good but it won't produce good results. I would consult with an attorney. There is little chance of fixing this and I agree with the ridiculous response of lie detector, gps, etc. You already have enough evidence for moving on. So move on! It's up to you. Good luck OP!


You cannot back down from this contact the HR and out them contact the guys wife he is scared of that thats why he threatened you simply tell your wife he is ruining your marriage so your going ruin his and divorce her once you get evidence these arrogant people make me want to throw up. Act don't contemplate show you have guts and will not tolerate disrespect people will only walk all over you if they think they can get away with it just don't let them. Your wife is Evil as she has probably told her lover you won't have the guts to tackle him.
My wife once asked me about her having a boyfriend I said yes after I sign the divorce papers and the next day I was sharpening a knife really well she said what are you doing and with an evil smile I said it will be handy for some throat cutting. I admit I am an aggressive Basta** and would not think twice of sorting these kind of cheater out just for the pleasure of it.
and I really would not care about consequences either, free board and lodge no bills to pay sounds good to me.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Yes, I agree with Beyondrepair. What next ?

1) She has changed. You acknowledged this

2) She is allowing an old flame to re-enter her life

3) She is blameshifting and blaming oyu.

Are you willing to accept this ?

Do you have access to her electronic devices and phone records ?

How close does this guy live ?

What consequences can you bring to her right now and I swear it should be swift and harsh

Asterix is right. Go dark with your business, lawyer up and lay down the law with her. Get access to everything and watch. Put a polygraph on her in a couple of months if she continues contact.

I wouldn't HR yet unless he is in a superior position because it could cost your wife her job and you a lot of alimony.

But good God, go on the offensive already


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Send his wife a rose but send it with your name on it and a note explaining the situation.



yes Matt. This Exactly !!!


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> Deliver papers. Refuse to listen to bs. Get out. The only way you should even consider staying is if you are begged and her attitude and behavior totally changes.
> 
> what most men don’t understand is once a woman gives her emotions to another man, they evaporate for their husband and they eventually divorce them, only staying married until they figure out how to be set financially.


agreed bro


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## Seemedlikefun (Nov 9, 2021)

Madeofstars said:


> Thanks for all the advice. Some of your experiences are so similar it’s shocking. I have confronted her. So much so that she said the lady 6 months have been hell for her. I’m like a bulldog with a bone, I never give up. We had huge argument about valentines. But it ended up an argument about me contacting her friend. She says I made her feel dirty, that I acted like an ugly person and was I going to vet everybody in her life, I said no, only the ones you started in secret.
> Then when I said I would contact his wife, she told me not to go crazy. Funny enough, just after that I hit an anonymous call from someone saying I was overly contacting his wife and he would destroy my business!
> She has changed in the last year. Late forties and newpromotion and new place to work in a male dominated environment. I can see the change, even wearing skimpy tops to work only fit for a club. She even absented herself to a hotel at the start of March for two nights and three days as driving 120km both ways was too much. After that she has been far too sweet. She is a very closed person and lacks empathy, but now I see a different woman. She said she just talks to their guy for blah blah entertainment in the car on long trips. She said she would never have accepted the out of town invitation without me as her husband. But when I added her three times before the argument had she had such messsges, she lied and said no. She lies real pretty. One again, thanks to everyone.


Hopefully at this point you have consulted with a few attorneys to have an idea of which one will best suit your needs. You should also be well into securing your business as can best be done legally. Access and secure all important financial documents, family heirlooms and change the passwords on any shared accounts. Freeze your credit, and do a deep dive into any financial transactions done on shared banking and credit card accounts. Check your home network for an unknown device connecting to the WiFi. She may have a burner phone that she is using or may get one moving forward. What will serve you best moving forward is information that can protect you from the clueless alien syndrome that your wife is displaying. Look it up, you can thank me later!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Madeofstars said:


> In January 2021 a man and former classmate emailed my wife. They then began a secret online and phone relationship. I discovered it in June last year. She said it is nothing, now they talk for anything up to 50 minutes. She says it’s just friendship and that he means nothing to her. He has sent a message in her past inviting her to a town he was staying in, away from his wife. She said it was just a joke.
> 
> I found out on Valentine’s Day that he sent a single red rose anonymously. I wrote to him and he told me it is just friendship from the old days. She told him the rose was her Valentine. He backed off for a week, but now he’s back. Anyone else have a similar experience? She seems to need to speak to this man. However she states he is just a friend and means nothing to her.


Cmon man, we’re just friends is the biggest lie told. Anytime it’s secretive it’s at the least an emotional affair. If it’s a problem for you it’s a problem for your marriage.
It’s obvious your wife does as she pleases. 
You are only a chump if you allow it.

You are wasting your time talking. They don’t care. Now if he’s married you should have informed his wife. Please don’t tell your wife what you’re doing.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Madeofstars said:


> Thanks for all the advice. Some of your experiences are so similar it’s shocking. I have confronted her. So much so that she said the lady 6 months have been hell for her. I’m like a bulldog with a bone, I never give up. We had huge argument about valentines. But it ended up an argument about me contacting her friend. She says I made her feel dirty, that I acted like an ugly person and was I going to vet everybody in her life, I said no, only the ones you started in secret.
> Then when I said I would contact his wife, she told me not to go crazy. Funny enough, just after that I hit an anonymous call from someone saying I was overly contacting his wife and he would destroy my business!
> She has changed in the last year. Late forties and newpromotion and new place to work in a male dominated environment. I can see the change, even wearing skimpy tops to work only fit for a club. She even absented herself to a hotel at the start of March for two nights and three days as driving 120km both ways was too much. After that she has been far too sweet. She is a very closed person and lacks empathy, but now I see a different woman. She said she just talks to their guy for blah blah entertainment in the car on long trips. She said she would never have accepted the out of town invitation without me as her husband. But when I added her three times before the argument had she had such messsges, she lied and said no. She lies real pretty. One again, thanks to everyone.


Yep, it’s not your job to help hide whatever’s going on. What you’ve done is tip them off. They’ll be working hard at covering for each other. And will take it further underground. Sorry but you didn’t accomplish much. 

You didn’t need to confront her. Hell man, she knows what she’s doing. The only thing I’ve seen that has any
chance of stopping an Affair. Is exposure to the other spouse. 
Right now you seem to be afraid. Worst thing you can do nothing. You also don’t know how far this has gone. 
Like a lot you have trouble making decisions. All that’s does is put your wife and friend in control.

No one can make you a chump except yourself.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Madeofstars said:


> Thanks for all the advice. Some of your experiences are so similar it’s shocking. I have confronted her. So much so that she said the lady 6 months have been hell for her. I’m like a bulldog with a bone, I never give up. We had huge argument about valentines. But it ended up an argument about me contacting her friend. She says I made her feel dirty, that I acted like an ugly person and was I going to vet everybody in her life, I said no, only the ones you started in secret.
> Then when I said I would contact his wife, she told me not to go crazy. Funny enough, just after that I hit an anonymous call from someone saying I was overly contacting his wife and he would destroy my business!
> She has changed in the last year. Late forties and newpromotion and new place to work in a male dominated environment. I can see the change, even wearing skimpy tops to work only fit for a club. She even absented herself to a hotel at the start of March for two nights and three days as driving 120km both ways was too much. After that she has been far too sweet. She is a very closed person and lacks empathy, but now I see a different woman. She said she just talks to their guy for blah blah entertainment in the car on long trips. She said she would never have accepted the out of town invitation without me as her husband. But when I added her three times before the argument had she had such messsges, she lied and said no. She lies real pretty. One again, thanks to everyone.


Actions. Words just get you nothing but more lies.


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## Madeofstars (Jan 5, 2018)

Marc878 said:


> Actions. Words just get you nothing but more lies.


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## Madeofstars (Jan 5, 2018)

I’ve listened to them and frankly their conversations are so boring it’s beyond the pale. In fact, the chats are so mundane it’s as if they speak just for the sake of speaking. If she’s playing away from home then it’s the different town. There she visits three times a week as part of her duties. At the start of March she stayed in a hotel for two nights. Very unusual behaviour. About 10 days after she came home a rash developed on and around her breasts. She would not go to a doctor. A week ago she began to suffer with what she termed a bladder infection or UTI. Her self medication did not work, but stil she would not go to the doctor. The itching in her genitalia increased, as did her all round discomfort. Still no visits to a doctor. Now all of a sudden she has declared that she will visit s gynecologist, but in another town. I know I think what she believes she has caught.
I think she’s cheated with not the idiot I’ve heard on the phone. It’s someone completely unknown if and unspoken about by her. Someone not only online or on a phone. She has put a PIN code back on her mobile because she has new bank payment system, or di she says, and a pin on her laptop. Just how do I catch her out? And don’t tell me to talk to her. That’s a waste of good oxygen.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Madeofstars said:


> I’ve listened to them and frankly their conversations are so boring it’s beyond the pale. In fact, the chats are so mundane it’s as if they speak just for the sake of speaking. If she’s playing away from home then it’s the different town. There she visits three times a week as part of her duties. At the start of March she stayed in a hotel for two nights. Very unusual behaviour. About 10 days after she came home a rash developed on and around her breasts. She would not go to a doctor. A week ago she began to suffer with what she termed a bladder infection or UTI. Her self medication did not work, but stil she would not go to the doctor. The itching in her genitalia increased, as did her all round discomfort. Still no visits to a doctor. Now all of a sudden she has declared that she will visit s gynecologist, but in another town. I know I think what she believes she has caught.
> I think she’s cheated with not the idiot I’ve heard on the phone. It’s someone completely unknown if and unspoken about by her. Someone not only online or on a phone. She has put a PIN code back on her mobile because she has new bank payment system, or di she says, and a pin on her laptop. Just how do I catch her out? And don’t tell me to talk to her. That’s a waste of good oxygen.


Pretty obvious she is a cheater and caught an STD. Not much else to talk about, except to get yourself tested.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You only need enough proof for you.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Madeofstars said:


> I’ve listened to them and frankly their conversations are so boring it’s beyond the pale. In fact, the chats are so mundane it’s as if they speak just for the sake of speaking. If she’s playing away from home then it’s the different town. There she visits three times a week as part of her duties. At the start of March she stayed in a hotel for two nights. Very unusual behaviour. About 10 days after she came home a rash developed on and around her breasts. She would not go to a doctor. A week ago she began to suffer with what she termed a bladder infection or UTI. Her self medication did not work, but stil she would not go to the doctor. The itching in her genitalia increased, as did her all round discomfort. Still no visits to a doctor. Now all of a sudden she has declared that she will visit s gynecologist, but in another town. I know I think what she believes she has caught.
> I think she’s cheated with not the idiot I’ve heard on the phone. It’s someone completely unknown if and unspoken about by her. Someone not only online or on a phone. She has put a PIN code back on her mobile because she has new bank payment system, or di she says, and a pin on her laptop. Just how do I catch her out? And don’t tell me to talk to her. That’s a waste of good oxygen.


She’s bringing home possible diseases now, I think you know what you need to do, but you’re afraid to move forward with a divorce. Staying in a toxic marriage is worse than the upheaval a divorce will bring. And it will bring some upheaval but in my opinion, that’s the best route. I wouldn’t waste anymore time on playing PI. All that is doing, is delaying the inevitable. That’s just my advice, fwiw.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Pretty obvious she is a cheater and caught an STD. Not much else to talk about, except to get yourself tested.


You may hastily want to get yourself tested to see if you caught something from her. Not make it a secret from her just do for your own health.
Even if haven't been sexual with her.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

As for trying to find out what she's up to -- put a VAR (voice recorder) in places in the house where she may talk on the phone. You can do the same in her car. You MAY catch her talking to someone...

You could also just hire a PI. Of course if she's got the clap, she won't be doing anything for a while.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Madeofstars said:


> I’ve listened to them and frankly their conversations are so boring it’s beyond the pale. In fact, the chats are so mundane it’s as if they speak just for the sake of speaking. If she’s playing away from home then it’s the different town. There she visits three times a week as part of her duties. At the start of March she stayed in a hotel for two nights. Very unusual behaviour. About 10 days after she came home a rash developed on and around her breasts. She would not go to a doctor. A week ago she began to suffer with what she termed a bladder infection or UTI. Her self medication did not work, but stil she would not go to the doctor. The itching in her genitalia increased, as did her all round discomfort. Still no visits to a doctor. Now all of a sudden she has declared that she will visit s gynecologist, but in another town. I know I think what she believes she has caught.
> I think she’s cheated with not the idiot I’ve heard on the phone. It’s someone completely unknown if and unspoken about by her. Someone not only online or on a phone. She has put a PIN code back on her mobile because she has new bank payment system, or di she says, and a pin on her laptop. Just how do I catch her out? And don’t tell me to talk to her. That’s a waste of good oxygen.


Dude, are you completely powerless in your marriage?
Take control of your situation and stop being a passive doormat.

You need to assert your expectations and boundaries for your marriage. 
TELL your wife that she doesn’t get to have secret friendships with other men and that it will discontinue immediately. 
TELL your wife that you expect honesty and transparency in your marriage and that you expect access to her devices, and vice versa. She needs to share her phone pin with you.

Tell your wife that you’ll be going on with her to her doctor appointment. You are her husband, you have every right to know what’s going on with her health.

If she has a problem with any of this, you don’t have a committed wife and you don’t have a marriage. Then you’ll need to proceed accordingly.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Hire a private investigator OP.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Just file for divorce.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Second that @ABHale.
I'd be running for the hills.
Sounds as if she's got narcissistic tendencies, very common in cheaters, ask any psychologist. 
Sense of entitlement. And her attitude??? Breathtaking. 
Can't win with those folks and they're not worth it anyway. 
Best to hand them off to someone else. Maybe the rose guy. 
Personally, the rose thing would be enough for me to walk.


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## Madeofstars (Jan 5, 2018)

********** said:


> Second that @ABHale.
> I'd be running for the hills.
> Sounds as if she's got narcissistic tendencies, very common in cheaters, ask any psychologist.
> Sense of entitlement. And her attitude??? Breathtaking.
> ...


Last night huge row. She had the cheek to ask if I have got anyone interested in me, or hot for me!
I told her about her secret friend and the other messages from guys at work sending ”romantic “ photos they took themselves of boring rubbish. I’ve tried to talk to her for months but she keeps on squirreling things away until she had her one private little life separate from me and hidden from view. She claims I’m sexist and that she is free. So now she can be free. Enough. No more women, no more relationships. End of. Feel like I’ve wasted many years on a manipulative, cold calculating women, so cold she recently said she sometimes wished she hadn’t had children. I give up.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Madeofstars said:


> Last night huge row. She had the cheek to ask if I have got anyone interested in me, or hot for me!
> I told her about her secret friend and the other messages from guys at work sending ”romantic “ photos they took themselves of boring rubbish. I’ve tried to talk to her for months but she keeps on squirreling things away until she had her one private little life separate from me and hidden from view. She claims I’m sexist and that she is free. So now she can be free. Enough. No more women, no more relationships. End of. Feel like I’ve wasted many years on a manipulative, cold calculating women, so cold she recently said she sometimes wished she hadn’t had children. I give up.


You don’t understand.
It’s not the women, it’s YOU.
It’s YOUR passiveness and unwillingness / inability to set and enforce boundaries and expectations that enabled this situation.

Women respect and are attracted to strong, confident men who have boundaries and lead the relationship. Women despise and disrespect weak, passive men, and almost always treat them badly.

You don’t need to swear off women, you need to fix YOU.


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## Madeofstars (Jan 5, 2018)

DudeInProgress said:


> You don’t understand.
> It’s not the women, it’s YOU.
> It’s YOUR passiveness and unwillingness / inability to set and enforce boundaries and expectations that enabled this situation.
> 
> ...


My passiveness? If you had witnessed the argument in February the word passive would not come to mind. The contact I had with her online contact was not exactly passive LOL. If by weak you mean intelligent and trying to understand her, then yes. I’m not a knee jerk aggressive person, but she has pushed and pushed. If I’m passive why does she say she’s lived in hell with my attitude snd questioning since last June?
I put everything together and something is not right. But I’m dealing with a highly intelligent and resourceful woman, not a moron who is my chattels. If by listening and watching quietly you mean passive then yes. The problem is I trusted her, and she has abused that trust. She went outside the marriage snd she broke the rules for months before I cottoned on. I’m not weak, more a dog with a bone that never lets go. And now it’s finished. As for further relationships, I’m upset and and angry and plain let down. I need to get through a break up and run a business and fight for everything tooth and nail with her. She knew the boundaries as a married person, she chose to push and break them and not give a damn.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Madeofstars said:


> My passiveness? If you had witnessed the argument in February the word passive would not come to mind. The contact I had with her online contact was not exactly passive LOL. If by weak you mean intelligent and trying to understand her, then yes. I’m not a knee jerk aggressive person, but she has pushed and pushed. If I’m passive why does she say she’s lived in hell with my attitude snd questioning since last June?
> I put everything together and something is not right. But I’m dealing with a highly intelligent and resourceful woman, not a moron who is my chattels. If by listening and watching quietly you mean passive then yes. The problem is I trusted her, and she has abused that trust. She went outside the marriage snd she broke the rules for months before I cottoned on. I’m not weak, more a dog with a bone that never lets go. And now it’s finished. As for further relationships, I’m upset and and angry and plain let down. I need to get through a break up and run a business and fight for everything tooth and nail with her. She knew the boundaries as a married person, she chose to push and break them and not give a damn.


It sounds like you’re finally over this and ready to move forward. Good on you.

So what’s next? Do you have a lawyer? Go file for divorce.

And don’t let anyone, including her or yourself, blame you for this mess. Everything wrong in a marriage can be fixed if it stays in the marriage and both are willing. If one decides to break the vows, it’s done.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Madeofstars said:


> Last night huge row. She had the cheek to ask if I have got anyone interested in me, or hot for me!
> I told her about her secret friend and the other messages from guys at work sending ”romantic “ photos they took themselves of boring rubbish. I’ve tried to talk to her for months but she keeps on squirreling things away until she had her one private little life separate from me and hidden from view. She claims I’m sexist and that she is free. So now she can be free. Enough. No more women, no more relationships. End of. Feel like I’ve wasted many years on a manipulative, cold calculating women, so cold she recently said she sometimes wished she hadn’t had children. I give up.


You have your answer. You need to file for divorce. You appear to be in a loveless relationship and she is suffering from “cranial-rectal inversion”....head up her ass. I am not a proponent of divorce, however, in this situation you have no alternative.

PS: Work on yourself. Read “Grow A Pair” by Larry WInget and No More Mr. Nice Guy. I sense as I do many posters on this thread self esteem issues. Work on yourself to become a better, stronger, take no ****, sort of fellow. Good luck.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

@Madeofstars No you're not passive at all the way I see it. It's always such a shock for BS because their world gets turned upsidedown. So it's kinda hard to follow the 'What to do if you're being cheated on' manual iykwim. 
Trickle truth only makes it worse. Cheaters rarely reveal everything immediately which would be so much easier for BS, not that cheaters care about that.

My warnings bells went off when you said early on that she didn't have empathy. Her other actions, including the latest confirmed my suspicions there were narc tendencies. I'm wondering how the marriage was before this.

But none of that matters.
Believe it or not, it's good that she pulled her latest stunt saying she's 'free' and all that rubbish cos it reveals who she really is. She has made it easy for you to walk away. Imagine if she was acting all remorseful etc but still lying about everything which so many cheaters do. It just makes it harder to leave.

Sure, you feel very negative about relationships now. That's just a reaction.
You're still young, there are plenty of good women out there.

Focus on getting the best outcome possible in the divorce. You have kids I think?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I think you have misunderstood.

When you found out you should have put a end to the affair by demanding the truth. If she refused and her cheating was a deal breaker then you should have filed for divorce. You knew she was cheating.

If cheating was a dealbreaker then you should’ve talked with her and laid everything out. If she lied about there even being an affair then you should of just ended the conversation and filed for divorce.

You knew exactly who she was, you have lived with her long enough to have known what the probable outcome would have been. You just refused to believe who she really was. She showed you her true self and you couldn’t recognize the person you married any longer. So you sat by waiting to see your wife again and she never showed herself, because she was no longer there. This new person emerged that wanted her freedom to do what ever she wanted. It didn’t matter who or what was in her way. She has seen the movies, read the articles about women standing up for there happiness and sexual freedom. It didn’t matter that she was in monogamous relationship, her partner should understand and given her his blessings so she could find her happiness. There are so many articles out there saying how great it is to be a hot wife and the benefits for the relationship.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Madeofstars said:


> My passiveness? If you had witnessed the argument in February the word passive would not come to mind.


You still don't get it. Being able to get into a row with the woman doesn't mean that you are not passive. Passiveness is the allowance of a particular behavior to continue festering while you're not strong enough, nor have the balls to give immediate consequences to the behavior. Nagging, asking, getting angry, yelling, recriminating, are nothing but useless projections of one's weakness, while being passive to the actual problem. 

If I were to find that my wife has a "secret" male friend, my response would immediately be to go to my computer, print the divorce file from my local county government, fill some of it and going to her with the papers and give them to her. I would tell her: these are a draft of the actual divorce papers, which will be shortly served to you. I will not remain married to a woman that has secret friends and disrespect my boundaries. Enjoy your new freedom, no need for secret friends, they all can be in the open now.

I have sufficient pride and self respect to be a weak beta dude that all he does is ***** about it, demanding **** to a woman that shows that she has not respect for you. ACTIONS, actions is what gets you out of the disrespectful relationship in which you are stuck in. Not *****ing about it.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Madeofstars said:


> My passiveness? If you had witnessed the argument in February the word passive would not come to mind. The contact I had with her online contact was not exactly passive LOL. If by weak you mean intelligent and trying to understand her, then yes. I’m not a knee jerk aggressive person, but she has pushed and pushed. If I’m passive why does she say she’s lived in hell with my attitude snd questioning since last June?
> I put everything together and something is not right. But I’m dealing with a highly intelligent and resourceful woman, not a moron who is my chattels. If by listening and watching quietly you mean passive then yes. The problem is I trusted her, and she has abused that trust. She went outside the marriage snd she broke the rules for months before I cottoned on. I’m not weak, more a dog with a bone that never lets go. And now it’s finished. As for further relationships, I’m upset and and angry and plain let down. I need to get through a break up and run a business and fight for everything tooth and nail with her. She knew the boundaries as a married person, she chose to push and break them and not give a damn.


Yes, your passiveness in tolerating questionable / bad behavior and allowing it to continue.
Your a passiveness in tolerating a history of lying to you. 
Your passiveness in allowing her to remain in contact with this man after finding inappropriate messages. 

Yes, that’s passive and it’s a failure to set / enforce boundaries so that problematic/unhealthy dynamics don’t take root in the first place.

Just because you argue with her and get angry does not mean you haven’t been passive in your marriage. 
You seem to have a pattern of tolerating far too much, not setting boundaries and not taking sufficient action to avoid (or at least greatly reduce the likelihood) of situations like this.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

OP, the guys above are right about the passiveness, cos I said it was possibly due to the shock of it as BS s aren't prepared.
But looking back again at her answers, she fobbed you off every time as if you are a fool with 'just a friend'. Even the rose thing which would be a dealbreaker for me, Valentine huh!
And telling you that you're crazy if you contact OM's wife (I would sure like to know if I was OM's wife - I mean who wouldn't & OM is putting her health at risk).

There's zero sign of remorse & I mean zero and she doesn't even want to stop. Strange how so many betrayers show the same narcissistic personalities, look it up on YouTube.
All this means is that you discovered another side to your wife which was there all along.

I wouldn't even put energy into finding out more. You have enough intel as it stands. I'd put my energy into getting out of it ASAP & go see a lawyer immediately.
Don't let her treat you like a fool for a moment longer. Keep silent i.e. gray rock her. Silence is a great weapon & waywards hate it. They're much more blase when you shout at them & try to get the truth - at least that was my experience.
So stand up for yourself, grayrock and lawyer up.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Madeofstars said:


> No more women, no more relationships.


Understandable you feel this way. That will change. You just chose poorly. Learn from this mistake.


Madeofstars said:


> need to get through a break up and run a business and fight for everything tooth and nail with her.


Good plan.


********** said:


> Sure, you feel very negative about relationships now. That's just a reaction.
> You're still young, there are plenty of good women out there.


This


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Rob_1 said:


> You still don't get it. Being able to get into a row with the woman doesn't mean that you are not passive.* Passiveness is the allowance of a particular behavior to continue festering while you're not strong enough, nor have the balls to give immediate consequences to the behavior. Nagging, asking, getting angry, yelling, recriminating, are nothing but useless projections of one's weakness, while being passive to the actual problem*.
> 
> If I were to find that my wife has a "secret" male friend, my response would immediately be to go to my computer, print the divorce file from my local county government, fill some of it and going to her with the papers and give them to her. I would tell her: these are a draft of the actual divorce papers, which will be shortly served to you. I will not remain married to a woman that has secret friends and disrespect my boundaries. Enjoy your new freedom, no need for secret friends, they all can be in the open now.
> 
> I have sufficient pride and self respect to be a weak beta dude that all he does is *** about it, demanding **** to a woman that shows that she has not respect for you. ACTIONS, actions is what gets you out of the disrespectful relationship in which you are stuck in. Not *****ing about it.


BINGO!


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