# Resentments



## willienelsonisawestie

Curious question for all of you long timers.

How do you keep resentments from building in your marriage?

Also, when a very important serious issue needs to be decided on, and the two of you are on "totally" different planets regarding this decision................what do you do???

Thanks!


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## AFEH

With resentment I never found a solution for it in my marriage. I concluded that some people just have opposite and opposing views with these things.

For example I’m of a forgiving nature, my wife isn’t. I believe in forgiveness, my wife doesn’t. I think many marriages end over a clash of values and beliefs. It took the “forgiveness clash” 42 years to actually end our marriage but it eventually did.

My wife would have kept on going, living with me while at the same time resenting me. I decided it was seriously two faced behaviour, had enough of it (eventually) and so it was over.

Now I find I’m massively resentful about her lack of forgiving (I forgave her many things). Feeling as I do towards her I can’t even begin to imagine how my wife lived with me while at the same time harbouring resentment against me. 

I think that takes a kind of “special” mind. I just can’t do that stuff, I’m way too open and honest for that.


I hope you do find a way. You might get benefit from and answers to both your questions by attending The Marriage Course - Explore the Marriage Course | Alpha USA. You can see forgiveness is high on the agenda! For sure without it your marriage will eventually be a loveless place to be.


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## anotherguy

willienelsonisawestie said:


> Curious question for all of you long timers.
> 
> How do you keep resentments from building in your marriage?
> 
> Also, when a very important serious issue needs to be decided on, and the two of you are on "totally" different planets regarding this decision................what do you do???
> 
> Thanks!


Yikes... if you find the answers to these 2 - please... write a book or something. 

For resentments... they run the gamut dont they? From putting down the toilet seat to gambling problems to little personality quirks like the little strange noise they make when eating or that they never-never-never do 'x' (or always do it), or seeming stark and neverending obliviousness to somehthing that is important to you. 

All you can do is try and not sweat the little things - dont let the little crap override all that is good about the marriage - and recognize that we are all different and that their motivation may be very different that you realize. I totally agree on the forgiveness point AFEH makes, but I also think acceptance it part of it. Maybe it is just a different way to say the same thing.

Its helpfulto try and get to a place where you can accept the little stuff. At the same time - try and be aware of the little things you do that eat at your partners brain. Its all about - for both of you - compromise and work.

Problem is - by the time the resentment really settles in and hardens - it probably takes just as long to soften it up again. How long has it been festering.. years?

Total conflict on a big decision? Ugh. That is a nightmare - you need to talk it through and make a serious, serious effort to put yourself in the other persons shoes - and not simply try to persuade over and over (and over). You need to work on listening to the other side (its hard overcoming your own perspective on something 'important') to really understand the resistance or fear or motivation that goes against what you believe to be true or necessary. If you both do this - sometimes a path to compromise or mitigation becomes clear - or even if one of you 'caves in', at least there is an understanding of what the concerns are and acknowledgement/validation of the legitimacy of the argument.

if you 'win', be prapared to pay in other ways... and with a big, fat, sincere smile on your face.


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