# Need Help Moving On



## IOBits (Apr 30, 2013)

I'm in a fairly difficult situation where I think I just need a few suggestions on how to make the logistics of separation and/or divorce work.

My wife and I have been married for over 11 years and have 4 kids with each other, ranging from 10 years old to 18 months old. Throughout the marriage (and a lot of this has been looking back on things after the big event), there has been a lot of verbal abuse going both directions. Things like yelling and telling each other what they should be doing. This led to a lack of trust and then to a lack of communication. I would end the yelling matches by taking a time out and not coming back to it for days, when it was already too late to address the issue. This was bad, I know now.

Anyway, after a few physical affairs and, I suspect, a couple of emotional ones as well, all over the course of about 6 years, she has demanded a separation. Upon discussion (weeks) she actually wants a divorce in the end as well.

I am trying MC, but end up going by myself most of the time. It has helped me to see the mistakes I made during the marriage, and I have changed many of the things that I feel contributed to the problems. She has not been invested in trying, though, as she has been detaching over the space of the 6 years and has now "reached closure" as she describes it. I'm not changing for her, although I have hoped that she changes her mind. I am changing because I know the attitudes and actions that I have taken would be damaging to any family dynamic, and that they need to be changed. I am willing to discuss some of those actions if they seem relevant.

At this point, however, I am stuck. I want to move out, but I also want to retain joint custody of my children. Ideally, I want 50% custody, but I work about an hour away from home in a job that doesn't have very flexible hours.

1st problem is that we had some credit problems last year due to some medical bills that weren't paid and went to collections. I think they're still in collections, so I understand that we could probably get those "taken care of" with the proper agreements with the agencies. However, that has prevented me from finding an apartment, so I don't think I have anywhere to move to without going back to live with my parents.

Since I work an hour away from where we live right now, I would also need to get day care for 4 kids, 2 of which are in grade school, with the 3rd starting this fall. Is having 4 kids in day care (2 in all-day and 2 in after-school) even feasible? What are some ways to repair credit enough to find a place to live? I know I need to get out, but fulfill my parental responsibility, but I cannot seem to figure out how to get out to give the space that is needed to progress in any direction in my situation.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

First off, I just wanted to say that you that this would get more responses if it was in the coping with infidelity section. 

Also, I wanted to point out that it seems like you think this is your fault or something. That her cheating is because of you. Well, just so you know, you're W has betrayed you. Sounds like she's treated you like a doormat this whole time. Using your fighting as an excuse to cheat. And since she has taken it upon herself to start the separation/divorce process because she's blameshifted all your marital issues onto you, well....I say good riddance. 

My advice is that you ignore her now as much as possible (hard to do with kids involved), and go talk to a lawyer about what your best options are. It would be best if you stayed in the house and your W left. Since she seems to be the one with the issue of being married and keeping faithful. I would ask your lawyer what you can do about her infidelities in relation to custody. 

You're W is a lost cause. She has betrayed and abandoned you now. Start working on your self esteem. Do things you like to do. Hobbies...whatever. 

About your money situation. Could you find somewhere to live that doesn't involve a credit check? Like renting a small house or basement suite? A lot of private investors won't check your credit when renting out a home.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You will always be their dad but I would for medical reasons I would DNA the kids.


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## IOBits (Apr 30, 2013)

tom67 - I have no intention of letting my kids not be a strong part of my life. I love them too much to let her be the only care-giver.

somethingelse - maybe it was subconciously telling that I focused on the marriage itself, I am dealing with that... I'm more looking for how to move on, and I am grateful for the advice. I can start looking in that direction.

I'm also worried about the cost of child-care... The wife has been a stay-at-home mom and I've been the primary breadwinner since we had our first child. I don't even know how to budget for child-care. I guess the best thing is to check around with some friends and see what my options are?


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Do you mean diapers, food, clothes etc? Daycare costs?


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## IOBits (Apr 30, 2013)

Daycare costs, mostly. I am trying to decide if I want to do the 80/20 thing where I have them every other weekend from Fri-Sun, or if I want to try the 50% thing. As far as the attention and the participation in my kids' lives, I'd love to do the 50% split, but I'm just not sure I can afford the day care or nanny costs of it.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

IOBits said:


> Daycare costs, mostly. I am trying to decide if I want to do the 80/20 thing where I have them every other weekend from Fri-Sun, or if I want to try the 50% thing. As far as the attention and the participation in my kids' lives, I'd love to do the 50% split, but I'm just not sure I can afford the day care or nanny costs of it.


How much is daycare where you live?

In Canada the government subsidizes daycare costs if you make under 50,000 annually.

I'm not sure where you live, but if I was you I would look into it. 

Where I live daycare charges 850 per child per month


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

How close are your parents? closer to work or further away? could you make that move so they could help with daycare? 50% is the minimum you should/will get in custody, more in some areas if you can prove the long term infidelity. Which you will need to do as she's a stay at home mom (sahm). Is the medical bills the only thing your really behind on? or your constantly tight for money? Do you own the home, sell it upon divorce? Thought about a possible bankruptcy? 

I'm sorry your here, but are you sure the kids are all yours, you said she's cheated for at least 6 years, but you have kids in that age range. So the bigger question, why did you keep having kids if you knew she was a serial cheater (don't answer that). 

Don't leave the house, at least not yet, as some states consider that abandonment and you lose a lot of power come custody time.
When the time comes, maybe look into craigs list under rooms for rent till you get back on your feet. Also a lot of private renters there that can give you more options.

Good luck, sounds like you are in for a wild ride.


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## IOBits (Apr 30, 2013)

Parents are close, but I don't think are in a capacity to help with children. My sister-in-law might be willing to help, but she has a newborn, so I'm just not sure. Both are within the same city.

We're all in Northern California, where I've heard estimates for day care are about $1000/mo/child.

The family thing is difficult because that means actually bringing them in on the situation, which they are blissfully unaware of right now since I've been trying to get all of the issues worked out for years, just not using effective tools until it was too late for those tools to work... Maybe it's just pride that's keeping me from involving them at the moment, because they're definitely close enough to help. My parents are in their 60's, though, and not in the best health.

I've heard the warning about abandonment before. Does a separation agreement tend to counter that, or should I really talk to a lawyer to get that straight?


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

a legal separation is basically a non finalized divorce in most areas. all the bills/debts/etc have to be agreed upon, im also not sure but some states require a separation period before the divorce is granted. So definetly contact some legal advice. There might even be some .gov website that has some information you can browse online and get a head start.


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## IOBits (Apr 30, 2013)

Thanks all. I'll work on these things and get back to everybody.


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