# Is there any hope at all?



## canuckgirl (Jun 19, 2014)

I have been married 9 years and am in my late 30's. I have a strong sex drive. Its somehow resurfaced after years of low libido due to having 3 young kids close together. But now its back and I have no desire for my husband. I physically shudder when he touches me. I'm repulsed. We've never ever had a passionate sexual relationship to begin with but it was tolerable. I foolishly believed when I married it didn't really matter because when I met him sex wasn't a big deal or priority in my life. My aversion is part because of his habits (always in his grubby work clothes, only brushes teeth once a day, picks nose and puts it in his mouth when he thinks I don't see, farting and burping and not trying to conceal it ever and actually finding it humourous) but alot of it is due to my resentments. I'm in counselling, trying to work through, he will not go to marital or individual I've asked several times over the past 5 years or so. Right now, I reject him frequently till he starts acting like a clingy pawy desperate teenager and then I give in so he will get away from me again. I just lie there and never inititate but yet he still comes back for more! how do I tell someone you don't wanna have sex with them anymore?? its hurtful?? I know what I'm doing is wrong, giving in on occasion but I feel it keeps things semi normal around here and I don't want to hurt him saying I don't want it anymore. What do I do? is there any hope for us at all?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

hmmm, so you neglected your husband for years, no sex, no working on his ... ahem...personal style. Then all of a sudden you are horny again, but repulsed by what he has become?

And you are here for what, a hall pass from us? not gonna happen.

Take him to the dentist. take him clothing shopping. Take him to a lingerie shop and let him pick out sexy outfits for you as a reward for putting up with this stuff. In a non condescending way, figure out how to communicate to him your changed likes and dislikes. 

You were at the scene of the crime (marrying him without any passion on your part) so now you gotta do the time.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I'd be turned off by all of that, too, but the thing is you married him.

People don't really change their hygiene habits. Relationships that never had a lot of sex don't usually end up as being ones with tons of sex. If you had a good sex life previously with him it'd be one thing, but you admit that was never the case.

I don't get why people marry someone they aren't sexually attracted to. What is the point? It's essentially like having a friend...that you don't fck.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

You really need to be honest with your husband - if it's hygiene, have him work on hygiene. If you are repulsed, you've got to tell him.

The cruelty is not so much the refusals or the honesty, it is not working on the problem together. And that starts with communication.


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## canuckgirl (Jun 19, 2014)

wow murphy5 you seem to have us all figured out huh? I'm insulted while you know nothing about me and go on the defense I want a "hall pass" I have no intentions of straying. For the record, I've bought him clothes and taken him to the dentist, he doesn't wear the stuff he gets and its not my responsibilty to bring him to the dentist forever like a child. I didn't neglect him either, my libido was low but he still got it. I tried. I even went on medication for him to increase my libido. Don't judge me when you don't know it all...jellybeans, I understand what you are saying, however our sex life wasn't horrid, it was ok but not knock your socks off sweaty passionate sex, I'd been with really bad guys before, so the not sweaty passionate stuff didn't seem like a big deal when he was hardworking, sane, non abusive, non skirt chasing...all good qualities he still has! but doesn't necessarily equal a good emotional connection either...when I met him the sex wasn't a priority due to recent sexual trauma before I thought I'd never get a drive back...ever...


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

Work on him slowly and be supportive. One issue at a time - don't go nuclear on him. 

Grubby clothes - get him something you like and tell them you got them for him because you think he will look extra sexy in them - you may not be able to control yourself with him wearing it. Stuff like that.



Acorn said:


> You really need to be honest with your husband - if it's hygiene, have him work on hygiene. If you are repulsed, you've got to tell him.
> 
> The cruelty is not so much the refusals or the honesty, it is not working on the problem together. And that starts with communication.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Fact that you reject him and don't want to have sex with him is VERY wrong on your part.

All of the concerns with him should be discussed in serious manner and he SHOULD be working on them.

Tell him how important those things are to you and be honest.

Meanwhile, you need to make sure your husband is satisfied and happy when it comes to sex......or you are risking him cheating or divorce.

You can't possibly expect him to make changes when you are not doing squat to make him happy, can you?

It takes 2 to tango, neither of you are dancing right now.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Canuck,

You have started four separate threads, three alone today. Please stick to one so people know what's going on more easily.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I don't believe you can choose to be attracted. And personally I'm not a fan of duty sex. It's not fun for either side. If my partner turned into a gross pig I don't think I'd be having sex with her either.

I'm not sure what the solution is here. MC would be the best idea in my mind but apparently he's not interested. If you can't bring him to table to start working on your relationship so you can get past the resentment I think it's time to call it a day on this marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I don't believe you can choose to be attracted.


:iagree:

It sounds like the sexual attraction was never really there.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> I'd be turned off by all of that, too, but the thing is you married him.
> 
> People don't really change their hygiene habits. Relationships that never had a lot of sex don't usually end up as being ones with tons of sex. If you had a good sex life previously with him it'd be one thing, but you admit that was never the case.
> 
> *I don't get why people marry someone they aren't sexually attracted to*. What is the point? It's essentially like having a friend...that you don't fck.


I think in large part it's because it has been drilled into peoples heads that marriage is about more than sex, that sex isn't a big deal, that love is more than just sex, that they are shallow if they aren't attracted to someone...and people actually believe that crap...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think that's :crazy:

Seriously. In my mind, SEX is what separates a romantic relationship from a friendship. 

What difference is a friendship/acquaintanceship from a sexless situation? 

If I am with someone, I want them to bang me silly. That's what make it so special/different from any other relationship.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> I think that's :crazy:
> 
> *Seriously. In my mind, SEX is what separates a romantic relationship from a friendship. *
> 
> ...


Mine too. The sexual chemistry between my wife and I, that we BOTH feel, and have from the moment we first laid eyes on each other...a huge reason why we got married in the first place...we wanted to corner the market on each other


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon Canukgirl
It may be possible to fix this. Talk to him. Right now he wants sex with you. You want sex with a neat dashing man. He can be that man. 

It IS possible for people to change their style. You need to approach it delicately but it can be done. Heck tell him you have a James Bond fantasy and you want him impeccably dressed in a suit and to pretend that you are a Russian agent.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> Mine too. The sexual chemistry between my wife and I, that we BOTH feel, and have from the moment we first laid eyes on each other...a huge reason why we got married in the first place...we wanted to corner the market on each other


That's what I am saying. WHY wouldn't anyone want that in their marriage? Seriously??? What's the POINT? Lol.

Especially when it lasts so long. When you find that kind of chemistry, you are a lucky SOB. And you are even luckier if you make them your partner. IT's rare to find someone you have that with when it isn't a fleeting thing, you know?

Good for you, Sam!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

canuckgirl said:


> wow murphy5 you seem to have us all figured out huh? I'm insulted while you know nothing about me and go on the defense I want a "hall pass" I have no intentions of straying. For the record, I've bought him clothes and taken him to the dentist, he doesn't wear the stuff he gets and its not my responsibilty to bring him to the dentist forever like a child. *I didn't neglect him either, my libido was low but he still got it.* I tried. I even went on medication for him to increase my libido. Don't judge me when you don't know it all...jellybeans, I understand what you are saying, however our sex life wasn't horrid, it was ok but not knock your socks off sweaty passionate sex, I'd been with really bad guys before, so the not sweaty passionate stuff didn't seem like a big deal when he was hardworking, sane, non abusive, non skirt chasing...all good qualities he still has! but doesn't necessarily equal a good emotional connection either...when I met him the sex wasn't a priority due to recent sexual trauma before I thought I'd never get a drive back...ever...


So what changed? I assume his habits have not changed that much. So you had sex with him before, but now, in your own words, "physically shudder when he touches me. I'm repulsed." What is different now versus then?

Also, is it his physical habits or is it the emotional connection? If he changed all his habits, would you be attracted to him then?


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## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

I think the problem is that you never loved your husband, OP. I can relate because I dated some guys who I didn't care for (short time). And there was always something fundamentally wrong with them - no sense of humor, too short, too tall, too goofy, not able to goof around, stupid jokes, etc,etc... In reality, there was absolutely nothing wrong with them. I just didn't care for them and eventually they started getting on my nerves. 

Your husband is exactly the same as when you first met him! And you still managed to make 3 kids with him somehow.  Only back then the memory of a-holes who treated you poorly was still alive. And compared to them, your husband looked like a knight in a shiny armor. Now that memory faided... 

I think you need to work on your appreciation of what your husband is for you. 

I am in a hurry so typing fast - sorry if it's coming out wrong. But I guarantee you 1000% that if you divorce him and go back to dating, it will be much worse than it was provided you have 3 kids. After getting hurt really badly by other guys, your now husband will start looking like that knight again. But being a honest, caring man as he is, he may be already off the market. 

Good luck! Love CAN grow from respect and appreciation!


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> I think in large part it's because it has been drilled into peoples heads that marriage is about more than sex, that sex isn't a big deal, that love is more than just sex, that they are shallow if they aren't attracted to someone...and people actually believe that crap...


Kind of like saying life is not all about food. That is true...there is more to life than food...much more. How long is your life going to last without food though?


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