# Feels Like Everything Is Going To Hell



## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

I don't even know where to start. A month ago if someone asked me about my relationship I would have said it was my rock. Now I feel as though a nuclear bomb has gone off in the middle of my life. I don't know what to trust or where to turn, and I have no idea what my future could hold.

My wife and I have been together for ten years (no kids). The first two years were beautiful, idyllic. I would have said we were a textbook example of a perfect marriage. Then we relocated to another city 1500 miles away from home, where my wife had found a new job. My own life was in a shambles at that point and the relationship was really all that I had in the world, so of course I went with her. Once gone I found that I missed my family terribly, my grandfather died while we were out there, and I could not find a job to save my life. I was miserable, and when she suggested that we move back home I jumped at it. 

What follows next is a tale of unintended consequences. We decided to move in with my mother to save money, for her to pay bills and for me to return to school for a graduate degree. Children were born (our nieces and nephews) and we were busy with our family. I was happy to be back with them and overjoyed by the babies. 

During the next four years my wife would hold two jobs. The first was miserable, and she left it for the second. She was fired from the second job for reasons that were within her control; she simply stopped doing what she was asked to do and she lost her job as a result. And after that she simply shut down. She refused to even look for another job and stayed in our room in my mother's house all day, collecting unemployment and playing Zynga games on her computer. This went on for two years.

After the unemployment ran out in 2010 things got really bad. She grew more and more depressed. She still refused to look for work. I graduated with a masters' degree and got a professional job, my first (prior to this I had worked in the service industry). I made enough money for us to move out. And I felt so badly for her situation, and so guilty, I willingly offered to simply pay for everything. I thought that moving into our own place would help her feel better about things. Instead things got worse - way worse. I found a blog she created where she made many very negative and hurtful statements about me and about my family. I busted her; she cried and said she was sorry (I posted about this previously - as a matter of fact that incident is what led to me signing up on this board). That was a little over a year ago. She went back to work on a temporary basis but it ended badly. Once again she refused to do what she was asked to do. Because she was working at my place of employment, her actions made me look bad as well.

We are now on our second year out of my mother's house. She is doing side jobs but does not really have an income to speak of. I recently had a very serious talk with her about our financial situation and how we will be doomed to a life of poverty if she does not return to work. Up until a few months ago she spoke of how she never wanted to work again but after this conversation she agreed it was time. The caveat: she wants to return to the city where we lived before, where I was miserable and which I dislike intensely. She has presented this as a decision she has already made, and she doesn't seem to care about my feelings or desire my input. 

I know that I am codependent; very much so. I know that I made many mistakes in this marriage and that what I once thought was an idyllic and picture perfect relationship has not been that way for a very long time. My wife has been a zombie since 2009 and now that she is reawakening, she is angry and seems to be blaming me for her predicament.

I guess I would just like to discuss my situation. I know I need to make major changes and that it is possible that the relationship will not survive at all. It seems probable that the relationship will have to evolve into something much healthier for both of us if it is to continue. Part of me thinks that a separation is best. I know that she loves me and I love her more than I can possibly say, but I am coming to understand that my love has become twisted with dysfunction, and that I must untangle those things.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hi Nix, Something is seriously going on with your wife, something out of your control, out of your ability to alter in any way. 

Has she been fired for poor job performance and in your estimation, were these expectations she failed to me realistic? I mean she wasn't being treated badly was she? Do you think it's possible she has been self sabotaging the jobs and opportunities because she doesn't want to live wherever you guys are now? Does she have any friends where she is now? Does she get along with your family? Does she have ANY hobbies or interests that keep her busy? She can't be on the computer all day every day, she has to go out at some point right? Does she ever dress up? Does she take care of herself regularly, shower and dress? Are there any groups in your area which might be of interest to her?

She doesn't seem to looking at the marriage as a partnership because she is okay with you leaving a good job to live in a place where you were very unhappy, for something that isn't even a reality-her finding a job she can keep. What makes her think moving to the city is going to make everything all better?

Even without the answers to the above questions, I think it would be very unwise of you to leave your job and move. Wherever you go, you take yourself with you. What ails her here, will ail here there. Until she can identify what is missing in her life, that she can't get where she is, moving is not going to solve her problem.

You mention something about a blog she wrote in which she said some mean things about you, I'm assuming those things were off base? So, there could be depression, there could also be other things going on on top of or worse than a depression. She's been dishonest with you and herself about her unhappiness. Until she has that figured out, you could move to Paris and her happiness wont last.


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## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

Thank you for your reply. I agree that my wife has serious mental health issues. There is more to that than I am willing to disclose here, but suffice it to say that she is experiencing severe and extreme emotional instability, especially now. 

The more I think about and process this situation the more it seems that she has just completely checked out of our partnership and is only thinking of herself. Part of that is probably my fault because I have let her shirk normal adult responsibilities since 2009. 

It angers and upsets me that her response to my request that she find a job to help us have a better life is that she is moving to Las Vegas with or without me, whether I like it or not. Really, do I need to know any more than that? Doesn't that say it all?

I am starting to feel more than shock and disbelief, and the deepest sadness I have ever experienced (except for the loss of my dad). I am starting to be appalled and angry and that is probably healthy. I thought I was building a life with my wife but in reality, I was just dragging her along because it was convenient and easy for her.


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