# Really thought we were in a good place



## mightygirl (Aug 30, 2015)

Hello All,

Wow, just wow. Where to begin? In Dec 2012 I found out that my H was having an A. I'm not sure how to classify it - there was phone sex, emotional conversations, etc. I have never been able to prove whether an actual physical act took place and it was long distance. At any rate, it had been going on for about 2 years. Needless to say, I was devastated. We had 3 children (one of which was 6 months old). I confronted him, and he swore it would never happen again. We went through a very difficult year of MC (at my demand, he wanted to rug sweep), boundaries, etc. 

Most of the year was a false R as he resisted transparency and basically was more worried about the damage to his reputation with others than the damage to our relationship. I had threatened divorce and even went to a lawyer, kicked him out for a while, etc. By the end of 2013 I honestly thought that he made a breakthrough. He was showing remorse, transparency, etc. We moved (we are military) to an overseas duty station and I thought were in a much better place. 

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago. I went to make a call on his phone (he can get free long distance on his work phone), began dialing the first few digits of the number I wanted, and the number of the OW came up in his phone. I checked the call records and there was a call from her lasting 48 minutes (while I was back in the US visiting family) and another missed call from May. 

I am stunned. I was very clear that I would not tolerate this ever happening again. I have not confronted him and honestly do not know from a logistical standpoint how to handle this (being overseas). 

The funny thing is that he has been treating me so well. Things have been great. Part of me wants to believe that it was a few calls just he made out of curiousity and that he regrets doing it. But I know that I am fooling myself to believe this. There must have been many emails exchanged before the call. 

Any advice?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I think you know exactly what to do. 

Maybe you want some validation from strangers? .... So okay.. 

Divorce him. He's not marriage material and you gave him a chance to work on the marriage the first time. False R, threatening divorce, yet you still hung in there hoping he'd shape up. 

He's shown you exactly what he wants... So give it to him. 

I'd suggest not giving him another chance so he can go jerk you and your kids around. 

BTW, I doubt he was never remorseful, he just went underground and learned to be fake with you.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

He certainly hasn't shown he respects you.

Just my hunch.
He was in the process of calling you overseas, same thing happened, punched in the first few digits, her number popped up as a suggestion, and he thought (with little restraint, you know, wife is away) what could it hurt to resume what was taken from me.

Bite his fing head off.


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## mightygirl (Aug 30, 2015)

gouge_away said:


> He certainly hasn't shown he respects you.
> 
> Just my hunch.
> He was in the process of calling you overseas, same thing happened, punched in the first few digits, her number popped up as a suggestion, and he thought (with little restraint, you know, wife is away) what could it hurt to resume what was taken from me.
> ...


This would not be possible. He was issued this phone when we moved here 1 year ago. It's a work phone with an overseas number. There is also no possibility that she would ever have the number without him giving it to her.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Is it a smartphone? Every time I get a new phone it carries over contacts from my Google services account, this happens automatically when I first sign into the phone during setup.


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## mightygirl (Aug 30, 2015)

gouge_away said:


> Is it a smartphone? Every time I get a new phone it carries over contacts from my Google services account, this happens automatically when I first sign into the phone during setup.


It's not a smartphone. He's never owned one.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

I'm sorry

I don't know what to tell you.
I took one month after realising it was a false reconciliation to get finances in order, secure a dwelling, and seek legal advice.

I followed through with my word and filed.

Every situation is different, for example you don't have any proof that PA happened, neither did I, but I have no doubts.

Do you think he is capable of a PA?
Do you think he is capable of a R?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I made it very clear to my former husband that I would forgive him as long as it never happened again. Did that stop him from getting back in touch (or remaining in touch -- I don't know which) with the OW? Hardly. Like you, I thought we were in a good place. Nothing ever changed as to how he treated me. I found out completely by accident. 

The second time I wasn't as naive about the odds as I was the first time. When I told him I was divorcing him he was totally shocked and didn't want to end the marriage. He wanted the security of family and the excitement of the OW. Your husband does too. 

Remember: Some cheaters change but many do not.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

They don't change until they FEEL the consequences. 

Just like children. 

You have to let him have it. All of it. He knew what would happen. And did it anyway. You make a life of misery for yourself if you don't follow through on your conditions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Hi Mighty girl.
Sorry about your husband.
One thing that I wish I had done before making the decision to leave my wife was ask her one simple question.
"What do you want from us?"
I'm not sure it would have changed anything, but at least I might have had a better perspective of what she was thinking.
Personally, I'm sure the response would have been very selfish and if anything it would have helped me move on from her without the fog of uncertainty.
So, ask him. And see what he says.
If he says he wants you, you only need have him explain why on earth you would stay with him.
Sorry, but if there is one thing I have learnt is that cheaters very rarely have it in them to change. 
I'm not sure you can back down on your condition without allowing even more lying and rug sweeping.
I say D. Or at least proceed serve him papers to show you are serious. There is a very slim chance he is willing to change, but it sounds very very slim.
Good luck.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is his OW military, too?

Is she married or engaged?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mightygirl (Aug 30, 2015)

Openminded said:


> I made it very clear to my former husband that I would forgive him as long as it never happened again. Did that stop him from getting back in touch (or remaining in touch -- I don't know which) with the OW? Hardly. Like you, I thought we were in a good place. Nothing ever changed as to how he treated me. I found out completely by accident.
> 
> The second time I wasn't as naive about the odds as I was the first time. When I told him I was divorcing him he was totally shocked and didn't want to end the marriage. He wanted the security of family and the excitement of the OW. Your husband does too.
> 
> Remember: Some cheaters change but many do not.


This is him, exactly. I found out completely by accident. I had finally stopped looking for things. I felt like I didn't have to check anymore.. and then... BAM!!! And my husband will not want a divorce - who doesn't want both a wife and a girlfriend? He adores the kids and will probably accuse me of destroying the marriage. I am prepared for that to happen.


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## mightygirl (Aug 30, 2015)

Remains said:


> They don't change until they FEEL the consequences.
> 
> Just like children.
> 
> ...


And this was a mistake I made the first time. I told very few people (3 to be exact) and told them to keep it confidential. My thinking was that it was better since he wanted to R. He was furious that I told anyone. He got away too easy last time.


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## mightygirl (Aug 30, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Is his OW military, too?
> 
> Is she married or engaged?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She is not military. And she is single as far as I know (but this is just what my H has told me, so it could be a lie).

My big predicament is that I do not know how to handle this being overseas. I don't think that I can just leave, take the kids and go back to the States with them. I can't find my own place because I am sponsored to be here by my H. I will have to consult the legal office on the Base to find out what my options are.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

IMO the fact that he contacted her again would show me.

1. He has no remorse.
2. he has no respect for you or for your marriage.
3. he isn't respecting the boundaries that you put up.

An 48 mins that's a long phone call.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

If he missed a call from her in May, he can't control her--it is "conceivable" that she was fishing to reconnect. But a 48 minute call is NOT a mistake and there is absolutely, 100% no excuse for that contact. NONE. 

Speaking as a formerly Disloyal person, my advice would be to go to the legal office on the base and tell them EVERYTHING. Do not worry about "his reputation" or what may or may not happen to him--them the the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. And if HIS ACTIONS cause him to experience painful consequences that harm his position or tarnish his "image" it is the fact that HE COMMITTED ADULTERY and then reconnected with his mistress--not the fact that you chose to tell the truth. Telling the truth is ALWAYS the exact right thing to do. 

Find out your legal options, and since you're overseas, find out how you might be able to get appropriately relocated back here to the States. Get your own bank account, begin finding who will help and get your support network in place. Then make up your mind and FOLLOW THAT COURSE OF ACTION. 

If it were me, I would figure out how to get myself and the kids back on US soil and close the door forever. Serve him and be done. If HE wants to save the marriage, let him prove it to you by admitting what he did to his superiors himself, facing the consequences without blaming you, going to counseling ON HIS OWN to work on his lack of moral fortitude, and acting in a way that HEALS YOU. If he won't do all that by himself without you "helping" him or "reminding" him--then he doesn't mean it. Close the door to your heart and don't look back. 

I know that sounds so harsh, but either he's willing to look at himself and do the HARD WORK to repair the damage HIS ACTIONS did...or he's not. And if he's not, then HIS ADULTERY crushed the vows, not you telling the truth!


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## mightygirl (Aug 30, 2015)

Affaircare said:


> If he missed a call from her in May, he can't control her--it is "conceivable" that she was fishing to reconnect. But a 48 minute call is NOT a mistake and there is absolutely, 100% no excuse for that contact. NONE.
> 
> Speaking as a formerly Disloyal person, my advice would be to go to the legal office on the base and tell them EVERYTHING. Do not worry about "his reputation" or what may or may not happen to him--them the the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. And if HIS ACTIONS cause him to experience painful consequences that harm his position or tarnish his "image" it is the fact that HE COMMITTED ADULTERY and then reconnected with his mistress--not the fact that you chose to tell the truth. Telling the truth is ALWAYS the exact right thing to do.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this, Affaircare. It's very much true. My concern does not lie with him and his reputation. My concern lies with my children. Oh how I wish I would have found this out one week earlier when I was in the States. I would have stayed. The thought of yanking my kids out of school and moving them halfway across the world on a moments notice breaks my heart for them. My H is due to retire next summer. We were set to begin a new chapter in our lives. Part of me wonders if I should just lay low until then. It would be a much cleaner break. Since we would be moving back anyway, it might be easier for the kids. I just don't know.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

mightygirl said:


> She is not military. And she is single as far as I know (but this is just what my H has told me, so it could be a lie).
> 
> My big predicament is that I do not know how to handle this being overseas. I don't think that I can just leave, take the kids and go back to the States with them. I can't find my own place because I am sponsored to be here by my H. I will have to consult the legal office on the Base to find out what my options are.


Yes, legal affairs is your first step. You obviously won't be the first to be looking at divorce while a dependent overseas (probably one of many actually). The uncertainty of it all was the most difficult part for me. Once I took the first step, I felt that I could handle anything and I did. It's not an easy road but it can be done and life on the other side can be very good. 

Some people do stop checking over time (I did) but the truth is a second round of cheating can happen years (even decades) later. That was true in my case. I have no idea how long my ex-husband remained in touch with the OW. I think it was probably sporadic during the 30 years between DD1 and DD2 but I don't know for certain. He never admitted to anything I didn't have absolute proof for and totally downplayed even what I could prove. 

Cheaters have a strong sense of entitlement. When they don't want a divorce they pull out all the stops. Be prepared. Many people end up staying because they think it's easier than dealing with divorce. It isn't. It'll definitely be tough but keep telling yourself you can handle it -- because you absolutely can.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

1. Get tested for STD's and continue this every six months for a while.
2. If you D you will typically receive about 1/2 of his military retirement, this is something I would check with legal. Whether you do it now or wait till his retirement, depending on the length of marriage, this is money you might be able to bank on in the future as you make your decision.
3. Since he is close to retirement I would cautiously move forward with exposing. As a guy with 40 years of military experience I would say that exposing him for adultery in the military can go several different ways. It can be ignored or it can be a reason for punishment under the military code. If punishment if dished out it could affect his retirement and I would not counsel you to move in that direction as it will affect your portion of his retirement.
4. Many events in life do not happen at appropriate times. You move overseas, get your kids in school and wham!! 
5. Whether you are religious or not I would recommend finding a chaplain to talk to about this. But find a good one. First, a chaplain is under a full confidential rule. A conversation with a chaplain can't be shared with anyone and I mean everything and anything.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

mightygirl said:


> She is not military. And she is single as far as I know (but this is just what my H has told me, so it could be a lie).
> 
> My big predicament is that I do not know how to handle this being overseas. I don't think that I can just leave, take the kids and go back to the States with them. I can't find my own place because I am sponsored to be here by my H. I will have to consult the legal office on the Base to find out what my options are.


Yep, go to the legal office and call OneSource; they have access to a lot of information and resources. 

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  he doesn't deserve you!


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## mightygirl (Aug 30, 2015)

Thorburn said:


> 3. Since he is close to retirement I would cautiously move forward with exposing. As a guy with 40 years of military experience I would say that exposing him for adultery in the military can go several different ways. It can be ignored or it can be a reason for punishment under the military code. If punishment if dished out it could affect his retirement and I would not counsel you to move in that direction as it will affect your portion of his retirement.
> .


Yes, I really have no interest in exposing him and having it harm his standing in the Military. At this point he is not going to promote and messing with his retirement would hurt me and the kids as much as it would hurt him.


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## intuitionoramiwrong (Mar 18, 2014)

Was it just her number in his phone, or was it her name as well? How did you know it was her?


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## mightygirl (Aug 30, 2015)

intuitionoramiwrong said:


> Was it just her number in his phone, or was it her name as well? How did you know it was her?


It was just the phone number. After the first A, I had written it down. Back then, the contact info had been listed in his phone as something different than her original name. So when I went to make the phone call a few weeks ago and that # popped up, it immediately looked familiar. I went to where I had written it down and verified that it was the same #.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

•2 year affair that ended in 2012.

•While going through a _false_ reconciliation he fought transparency.

•By the end of 2013 you thought he was making good on the R by being more transparent.

•Early 2015 a missed call from his former affair partner, he failed to disclose, yet left the number logged into his call history.

•No other calls have been left in his call history up until mid/late 2015. 48minutes, while you were away back home.


Looking at the second and last bullets. I think you need to get his call history from the phone company. From 2013 to now, he may have been deleting the incoming and outgoing calls from his history.


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## mightygirl (Aug 30, 2015)

gouge_away said:


> •2 year affair that ended in 2012.
> 
> •While going through a _false_ reconciliation he fought transparency.
> 
> ...


Believe me if I thought that there was a way to do this I would. The only way is to go through his Command. I'm not sure I am ready to do that at this point.


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