# husband disabled my car to manipulate me



## sexy (Jul 29, 2012)

Hi everyone

I have been having some trouble with my immature husband's behavior, and I am hoping someone can answer my questions.

Recently my oldest daughter did poorly on a school assignment. She was not very forthcoming about it, and she didn't seem to be fixing or focusing her attention or concern on this class. I told her to check on her assignment and she said her teacher was going to change her grade due to her turning something in late. This daughter has lied to me repeatedly in the past, so I cannot afford to ignore her. 
One evening I asked her again about her physics assignment grade, and again she told me her teacher was going to change it. I have heard that before, so I told her that if she didn't give me a note or an e-mail or some proof that her teacher was going to change her grade within the next 2 days I would take her phone from her for the weekend on Friday.
I asked her thee next day if her teacher had fixed her grade yet, and she told me no. Friday came and she texted me from her phone a couple of times telling me that she told him about 5 times to e-mail me about the grade change, but he hasn't.
I told her I'd believe when I saw it. Like I said, this daughter has lied to me a lot in the past when it suited her needs.
When I went home I checked her grades on her school web site as well as my e-mail account. there was no indication of any change in her Physics grade or any note from her teacher indicating that he was going to change her grade. I told my daughter to bring me her phone. While I waited for her to bring me the phone, she called her dad (my husband) and told him that I was trying to take her phone from her. He told me not to, and I told him I wasn't going to argue about this with him. I told him i would talk to him at home. I told him that I had already discussed this with her earlier, and she left me no choice.
Well, about 30 minutes later, my husband comes home from work, 30 minutes early, and tells me to give my daughter her phone.  What? I told him that I was not going to do that and that I did not need his permission to punish my daughter or to take her phone.
Keep in mind, he never suggested nicely to me that I give her her phone, he ordered me to do so. I told him that I was not his dog and I did not have to obey him. He got in a shouting match with me and kicked a table as a childish display of his frustration. He almost broke my glass table.
Again I refused to give the phone back until I got confirmation that the grade was changed. The reason I took the phone is that she has given me lip service before promising me that some teacher would change some grade. Then it wouldn't happen and she would still have her phone after knowingly lying to me to keep it. 
well my husband was so angry he went out to my car and took out one of the cylinders so the car would not start. He came back into the house and told me "I just disabled your car." Then he told me that he would not fix my car until I gave my daughter her phone back. 
Seriously? Who do you think you are anyway, GOD?
I maintained my position and told him I would not return the phone because he told me to do so, and that I did not require his permission to parent my daughter or to take up her phone. I kept it. I also told him that he WAY overestimated my burning desire to get out and drive the roads during RUSH HOUR in HOUSTON, TEXAS on a FRIDAY! :rofl: 
I then looked at the school website and realized that the Physics grade JUST (like in the span of a minute) changed and went up. I told my husband that he needed to leave so I could finish my business with our daughter. He refused. I said that I would not address the situation until he fixed/restored the power to my car and demonstrated to me that it will start. He said he would do that as soon as i Gave my daughter her phone back. I told him that this can just go on all night. He saw I wasn't going to budge, and he went out to my car and replaced the cylinder and started the car. I went inside and he told me to give my daughter the phone back. I told him that hhe was not a part of this situation and I would finish the discussion with my daughter when he left. FINALLY he left (about an HOUR LATER) and I looked at my daughter, who was now crying from all the shouting and stress, and said "here's your phone back. Your Teacher changed your grade from a 32 to a 76.
And that ended it. My husband hasn't spoken to me yet, and this fight happened a week ago. Ok. Here come the questions:

1. Were his actions legal? Can my husband legally disable my car so that I cannot drive it until I give him what he wants (don't be cute anybody)? Both of our names are on the car title. 

2 If he does this again can I call the Sheriff's office? And Can the officer write him a ticket or order him to restore the car to working order?

I'm not trying to divorce him over pettiness like this; I just want to send him a message: you can't get away with trying to manipulate me when I don't do what you want.

Keep in mind that we live in Texas so if there are any Texas cops, or family law attorneys on this site I'd really appreciate some answers to my questions.

Thanks Y'all


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

The 1st & 2nd questions that need to be asked are:
1. Why is your daughter running your H the way she is?
2. Why are you putting up with it?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

So you are more interested in making sure you can force his hand rather than preventing such a cluster fvck of family dynamics?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Why are you and your husband not on the same page with discipline?

Why are you putting up with this crap?

How old is your husband? He's acting like a spoiled teenager.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What I see here are two adults acting like children.. and in front of their actual child no less.

Why would you punish your daughter because her teacher did not act according to your schedule? She has no control over her teacher. To punish someone for something they have no control over makes no sense at all. 

Parenting is a joint activity. You do not get to set the rules unilaterally for your daughter. This is something that you and your husband should have discussed together, out of hearing of your daughter. Then you send him away so you can deal with “your daughter”?

You husband was wrong to disable the car you drive. However, it sound like he is more than fed up with your dictatorship and is not sure how to handle it.

Now you want to call the police on him to punish him? Keep in mind that having a police record could lead to him losing his job, not getting promotions in the future and all kinds of problems.

Does he have the right to remove the cylinder of a car he is part owner of? Yes.

It looks like your daughter is exploiting the crack between you and your husband. That’s what kids do. That’s why affective parents talk things through ahead of time and support each other in front of the child.

The both of you are in dire need of marriage counseling and parenting classes.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

I don't believe you handled this properly. 

First of all, I understand that your daughter may have lied to you before. But there were *3* people involved in this situation: You, her and_ her teacher_. As soon as I started to read this, my first thought was, "_Why doesn't 'Sexy' call her daughter's teacher and find out if the teacher was going to change the grade_?" This option was ALWAYS available to you, yet you chose to needlessly take away your daughter's phone. 

Had you contacted the teacher as soon as your daughter told you that the teacher was going to change the grade, this WHOLE SITUATION would have been avoided. 

I hope you apologized to your daughter. 

As to answer your questions, the answers are these: 

1. Were his actions legal? Yes. Like you wrote, it's HIS car, too. Can my husband legally disable *my* It is not *your* car. It is your husband's car, too. car so that I cannot drive it until I give him what he wants (don't be cute anybody)? Both of our names are on the car title. 

2 If he does this again can I call the Sheriff's office? Of course! But you'd be wasting the Sheriff's time.And Can the officer write him a ticket or order him to restore the car to working order? No. See answer to number 1 above.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

sexy said:


> Hi everyone
> 
> I have been having some trouble with my immature husband's behavior, and I am hoping someone can answer my questions.
> 
> ...


Next time he does something like I highlighted call the police. That's as big a non-verbal threat of violence as they come.

ETA: You handled this situation very poorly. You should have contacted the teacher yourself at the beginning. You also need to get on the same page with your husband regarding discipline for your daughter. 

There's no excuse for his violent outburst or disabling your car. He's treating you as no better than equal to your daughter if that. You take away her phone for the weekend and he takes away your car for the weekend. You need to have a sit down with him when you're both calm and work this out. Otherwise things will end very badly for all of you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow...soooo many things wrong here. BIG#1...your husband is your daughter's puppet. She should be punished for "snitching" on you to her dad...that was 100% manipulation, and should not be tolerated by either one of you. #2...you should have contacted her teacher. #3...you should have discussed taking her phone with your H, and he should have never, ever taken her side over yours in front of her. 

As for him disabling your car...he needs help.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> What I see here are two adults acting like children.. and in front of their actual child no less.
> 
> Why would you punish your daughter because her teacher did not act according to your schedule? She has no control over her teacher. To punish someone for something they have no control over makes no sense at all.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

This entire situation could have been avoided by you emailing the teacher to check the truth of your daughters claim. 

Secondly, you should have been* com-u-ni-ca-ting* to your husband about what was going on and *to-ge-ther* you both agree on how to deal with your daughter.

If you had done either of the above, none of the rest would have happened.

You need to learn better communication skills as well are parenting skills and marriage counseling to reduce the acrimony caused by terrible communication.


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## sexy (Jul 29, 2012)

I did forget to mention in my previous post that I did e-mail the teacher a day or 2 before I took the phone. I informed him that my daughter told me that you were going to change her grade. I then asked him to give me something in writing that says he is going to change the grade. I allowed 2 days for him to either write me a letter or e-mail me. I did contact him by e mail. I could not contact him by phone as he was not ever in his office available to speak directly to me. this school handles most parent-teacher communications by e-mail rather than by phone. I asked him to call or emails me or even write me a letter in his handwriting that acknowledges that he agreed to change a grade. I asked him for this communication. Like I said he is not ever in his office as he is also a coach, but I did contact him by email.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sexy said:


> I did forget to mention in my previous post that I did e-mail the teacher a day or 2 before I took the phone. I informed him that my daughter told me that you were going to change her grade. I then asked him to give me something in writing that says he is going to change the grade. I allowed 2 days for him to either write me a letter or e-mail me. I did contact him by e mail. I could not contact him by phone as he was not ever in his office available to speak directly to me. this school handles most parent-teacher communications by e-mail rather than by phone. I asked him to call or emails me or even write me a letter in his handwriting that acknowledges that he agreed to change a grade. I asked him for this communication. Like I said he is not ever in his office as he is also a coach, but I did contact him by email.


So you knew that the teacher was not communicating well. But you punished your daughter anyway.


You really do need to apologize to your daughter.

I think that you need to apologize to your husband for you not bringing him into the parenting decisions. Then hopefully he will apologize to you after he's had time to think it through.

And then make counseling appointments for the two of you. IF the two of you do not get on the same page parenting very soon, your daughter will probably spiral out of control.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

sexy said:


> I then asked him to give me something in writing that says he is going to change the grade.


Why would he have to give you something "in writing"? If after receiving your email, and the teacher elected to call you, wouldn't the teacher's word be 'good enough'? If I was a teacher and parent wanted me to give that parent something "in writing", I'd be insulted! After all, if, as a teacher I elect to call the parent and tell them what I intend to do, that should be enough for the parent. 

You still took action before you knew the truth. That was unfair to your daughter.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you punish your daughter for doing the right thing, which your daughter did in this case, then why would she ever feel she could trust to tell you the truth?

When my kids were growing up I had a rule that if they told me a lie or did something wrong, and then they were the ones who came to me and confessed their wrong, they would be punished (with a light punishment) and they would get a chance to make it right. But if I found out before they confessed, their punishment was harsh, and they still had to make it right.

My kids are in their mid 20's now. Even now, with them not being living at home, they still come and confess their wrongs to me right away.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

sexy said:


> 1. Were his actions legal? Can my husband legally disable my car so that I cannot drive it until I give him what he wants (don't be cute anybody)? Both of our names are on the car title.


Yes. Legal. 



> 2 If he does this again can I call the Sheriff's office? And Can the officer write him a ticket or order him to restore the car to working order?


They won't do anything about the car. But they will definitely arrest him if he is violent, breaking things, and putting you in fear of your safety. 


The rule in our house is "Mommy is the Big Boss". Daddy is Mommy's Enforcer. If you come to Daddy expecting a change in Mommy's ruling, you run into an iron fist.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

sexy said:


> 1. Were his actions legal? Can my husband legally disable my car so that I cannot drive it until I give him what he wants (don't be cute anybody)? Both of our names are on the car title.


Yes, his actions were legal. The car is joint property.



> 2 If he does this again can I call the Sheriff's office? And Can the officer write him a ticket or order him to restore the car to working order?


Nope. The car is his. You might as well call the Sheriff and ask them to write your husband a ticket for not putting the toilet seat down.



> I'm not trying to divorce him over pettiness like this; I just want to send him a message: you can't get away with trying to manipulate me when I don't do what you want.


No, you are trying to force him to submit to you. And it appears that's exactly what you got. Good job!

Obviously, the rule in your house is not that you and your husband back each other up when it comes to your daughter. So, I suggest that, when the next discipline issue arises, you and your husband discuss the matter and agree on a course of action that won't degenerate into two adults behaving like toddlers.

Good luck.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

To the OP, whether it was legal or not really isn't the issue. The issue is, he did something in a passive/aggressive manner in an attempt to control and manipulate the situation. Does he normally act in this manner or first time? Personally its not something I would put up with.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

No what I see here is alarming. I would not dream of interfering with my wife's disciplining of children. What she says when I am not there goes and when I come home and the kids try to beg for sympathy I point them to their mother. What he is doing is undermining your ability to parent. Reinforcing bad behavior for your daughter. Kudos to you for standing up for yourself and your parenting. He should not be ordering you to do anything. You are right you are not his property he was not involved with the situation and what he was doing was straight up abuse. Does this happen often?


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> Yes, his actions were legal. The car is joint property.
> 
> 
> Nope. The car is his. You might as well call the Sheriff and ask them to write your husband a ticket for not putting the toilet seat down.
> ...


 Seriously I have four kids do you know how often this bullcrap happens to me. This is what kids do. Taking a cell phone away should not elicit this sort of reaction from the father. The child should feel lucky to even be allowed the use of a cell phone. The child was not being overly punished. The child was not being harmed. There was not reason for his actions. If she had given in it would have let her daughter know that what momma says only matters until I call daddy. 

Now what did the argument turn into. I doubt that it was just about the child and her phone. To me it sounds like there are more underlying issues that led up to this.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Vega said:


> Why would he have to give you something "in writing"? If after receiving your email, and the teacher elected to call you, wouldn't the teacher's word be 'good enough'? If I was a teacher and parent wanted me to give that parent something "in writing", I'd be insulted! After all, if, as a teacher I elect to call the parent and tell them what I intend to do, that should be enough for the parent.
> 
> You still took action before you knew the truth. That was unfair to your daughter.


You have a right to be insulted, but I understand the "in writing" comment. Considering I had to call in the Principal, to get a grade change, I have asked for things in writing myself. Then again, if her writing is any indicator she has a slight problem communicating. I meet with all of the teachers and explain the situation early. Then I never have a problem.

In other words, if your daughter is a liar, you should have met with all of her teachers and explained you'd need things in writing. My child wasn't a liar, but I explain, every year, about the situation and that I'd contact them if they come home talking about a grade change. I then explain that I may need something in writing. All of my children's teachers are happy they have a parent involved in their learning, that doesn't treat them like a glorified babysitter at the beck and call of an entitled parent.

You need to check your priorities and communication skills. Sounds like you three have a huge issue going on that is only going to get worse.


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## Moulin (Jul 30, 2013)

Parenting should be a collaborative effort, meaning for big stuff that you and your husband would discuss and agree on an outcome and then go to your daughter. A united front is much more effective than teaching her how to manipulate the two of you in to fighting.

If you knew the teacher wasn't responding, then it was likely your daughter's story was true. I agree with the posters who state you should apologize for jumping to conclusion. It will teach your daughter that we ALL make mistakes and what to do when we make one.

It really sounds like your family could benefit from some counseling and learning how to communicate better.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

badbane said:


> The child was not being overly punished. The child was not being harmed. There was not reason for his actions. If she had given in it would have let her daughter know that what momma says only matters until I call daddy.


Geez, I'll repeat what I wrote before. This whole situation could have been avoided if the OP had taken measures to seek the truth in the first place. She jumped to conclusions. Her daughter was punished because it was suspected that she was lying. As it turned out, she WAS _NOT_ LYING. 

I've also been in similar situations, and I wouldn't DREAM of "punishing" any of my FOUR CHILDREN before I discovered the truth.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Oh and let me add, you should NEVER punish a teacher for the past problems of your child. Look, I get the dad overreacted, but I'm wondering why he felt it was necessary to teach you a lesson. 

I was on your side, until I found out the teacher talked to you and your child wasn't lying. Yes, you need to keep you word concerning punishment, but not in this case. There was no lying because you contacted the teacher. Your daughter said it was going to be changed, you contacted the teacher, it was supposed to be changed, and she gets punished because the TEACHER didn't write you a letter.

Please tell me you understand how ridiculous that sounds. I don't like when kids play parents against each other, but this is an extraordinary case. I'd react negatively If I'm getting punished for another persons mistake. I disagree with badbane in so much that this sets a bad precedent in punishment. The writing was met by an actual phone call from the teacher. Now, if you believe it was a fake phone call, you drive right down to the school and go meet the teacher.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Oh and let me add, you should NEVER punish a teacher for the past problems of your child. Look, I get the dad overreacted, but I'm wondering why he felt it was necessary to teach you a lesson.
> 
> I was on your side, until I found out the teacher talked to you and your child wasn't lying. Yes, you need to keep you word concerning punishment, but not in this case. There was no lying because you contacted the teacher. Your daughter said it was going to be changed, you contacted the teacher, it was supposed to be changed, and she gets punished because the TEACHER didn't write you a letter.
> 
> Please tell me you understand how ridiculous that sounds. I don't like when kids play parents against each other, but this is an extraordinary case. I'd react negatively If I'm getting punished for another persons mistake. I disagree with badbane in so much that this sets a bad precedent in punishment. The writing was met by an actual phone call from the teacher. Now, if you believe it was a fake phone call, you drive right down to the school and go meet the teacher.


It seems you missed part. She attempted to contact the teacher without success. The teacher has not "talked to her." She found the grade changed on the school website after the big fight started between her and her husband. Her child is a proven liar (read some of her other threads) and she was unable to confirm the story so she reacted as the childs history indicated. In this case the child was telling the truth and an apology is needed but based on the background I don't agree that she acted inappropriately given the knowledge she had at the time.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> It seems you missed part. She attempted to contact the teacher without success. The teacher has not "talked to her." She found the grade changed on the school website after the big fight started between her and her husband.


 No, not mixed up the call and email portion of her post. That is my fault. Sorry, to you sexy.



> Her child is a proven liar (read some of her other threads) and she was unable to confirm the story so she reacted as the childs history indicated.


Then you go to the school. Sorry, we will disagree on this point. I had a trouble child, who was a liar. When crap like this went down, I went to the school and made contact with a teacher. Especially, when punishment is on the line. I never questioned is she was a liar nor if her actions were warranted. I'm talking about being punished for something that is the teacher's fault.



> In this case the child was telling the truth and an apology is needed but based on the background I don't agree that she acted inappropriately given the knowledge she had at the time.


That's fine we will disagree on portions and that's fine.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I don't understand why you punished your DD for her teacher's tardiness in replying to your email...

However, your H's behaviour was inappropriate because parents need to discuss discipline issues privately, never in front of the child, and always present a united front to the child. I take it that this has happened before - otherwise your DD wouldn't have phoned your H for 'back up' from him.

Him kicking the furniture and shouting was also inappropriate, and removing the cylinder from your car both spiteful and childish. 

I suggest MC for you both, because unless you and your H pull together and present that united front to her, you're going to have bigger issues on your hands with your DD when she's older... She's already learning how to manipulate you both. Not good.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> No, not mixed up the call and email portion of her post. That is my fault. Sorry, to you sexy.
> 
> *Then you go to the school. Sorry, we will disagree on this point. I had a trouble child, who was a liar. When crap like this went down, I went to the school and made contact with a teacher. Especially, when punishment is on the line. I never questioned is she was a liar nor if her actions were warranted. I'm talking about being punished for something that is the teacher's fault.*
> 
> That's fine we will disagree on portions and that's fine.


I don't disagree on this point, I'm just unwilling to condemn her for the way she handled it this time. If this comes up again and she doesn't ensure contact with the teacher then I'll come down as hard as you.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

badbane said:


> This is what kids do.


I'm a parent. I know what kids do.



> Taking a cell phone away should not elicit this sort of reaction. The child should feel lucky to even be allowed the use of a cell phone.


You're surprised at a teenager's sense of entitlement? Are you sure you're a parent?



> The child was not being overly punished. The child was not being harmed. There was not reason for his actions.


I agree. Everyone involved acted badly.



> If she had given in it would have let her daughter know that what momma says only matters until I call daddy.


True. And what the OP proved is that what daddy says doesn't matter. Momma is in charge.



> Now what did the argument turn into. I doubt that it was just about the child and her phone. To me it sounds like there are more underlying issues that led up to this.


I agree. I think the OP's argument with her husband is about which spouse should be expected to submit to the other. Right now, it appears that the OP's husband is the one who submits.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Then you go to the school. Sorry, we will disagree on this point. I had a trouble child, who was a liar. When crap like this went down, I went to the school and made contact with a teacher. Especially, when punishment is on the line.


I don't agree that, because the OP's daughter is dishonest, the OP has an increased burden of investigating suspicious stories from her daughter. The logical consequence of being dishonest is that people don't give one the benefit of the doubt.

If the OP's daughter has a problem with her mother concluding that she is lying, she can be more honest and earn her mother's trust. Problem solved.


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

Wow, I have never in my life seen grown adults act like that. Actually I don't think I've ever seen children act that badly to each other either. 

Petty and needs to be fixed. Y'all need some counseling. 

As far as legality of disabling the car. If his name is on the title it's his car too and he can do whatever he wants to it. If you called the cops about that you would be the one getting into trouble with the cops for wasting their time.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> I don't agree that, because the OP's daughter is dishonest, the OP has an increased burden of investigating suspicious stories from her daughter. The logical consequence of being dishonest is that people don't give one the benefit of the doubt.
> 
> If the OP's daughter has a problem with her mother concluding that she is lying, she can be more honest and earn her mother's trust. Problem solved.


First of all, seeking the truth in all things is not a "burden"; it's an obligation that each of us has so we don't _needlessly_ punish them. 

Secondly, the daughter may have been _attempting_ to be trustworthy, but was doubted and punished anyway. The daughter might very well feel, "I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't." 

If you want to discover what the truth is about this situation, try putting yourself into the shoes of the daughter. Would YOU want to be punished if you knew YOU were telling the truth? 

Probably not. 

I've had parents call me before with the same story; that their child had told them they were coming over to play with one of my children, and that parent had problems with the child lying in the past. To me, that's just good parenting!

Vega


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You have to ask yourself, 

Under what conditions would a father take a daughter's side in such a vehement and destructive way? Even if the the daughter is daddy's Lil girl princess, why would he be so angry about his daughter getting her cell phone taken away?

My conclusion is that Mom has a history of being over the top punitive AND has a history of not including her husband in behavior issues with the child. There must already be a huge amount of anger, mistrust and blaming between the husband and wife to make a father go so over board in defending his daughter, because the VAST majority of men step back and follow Mom's lead particularly with teen daughters.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Vega said:


> First of all, seeking the truth in all things is not a "burden"; it's an obligation that each of us has so we don't _needlessly_ punish them.


You're perfectly wrong. I agree that some quick and easy checking into a story is expected. But, when a teacher refuses to respond to a parent, I disagree that the obligation then falls on the parent to hunt the teacher down and interrogate the truth out of him so that her daughter won't suffer any unnecessary consequences. That's needlessly punishing the parents of dishonest children.



> Secondly, the daughter may have been _attempting_ to be trustworthy, but was doubted and punished anyway. The daughter might very well feel, "I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't."


Sure. But that doesn't mean that every parent has an obligation to believe whatever their dishonest children tell them. That's just foolish.



> If you want to discover what the truth is about this situation, try putting yourself into the shoes of the daughter. Would YOU want to be punished if you knew YOU were telling the truth?
> 
> Probably not.


Of course not. But I would only have myself to blame for my past dishonesty.

There is a child's fable called The Boy Who Cried Wolf. I assume you're unfamiliar with it. In the fable, the boy is dishonest and cries wolf several times to make the townspeople run to help him. After he develops a reputation for being dishonest, the townspeople ignore his next cry, which was genuine. The wolf eats his flock. The moral of the story is not that, when dealing with known liars, we must continue to believe them. It is that a liar will not be believed, even when he speaks the truth.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> You're perfectly wrong.


Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not "wrong". My _opinion_ may be _*different*_ than your opinion, but I'm not "wrong". But thank you for sharing *your* _opinion_



> Of course not. But I would only have myself to blame for my past dishonesty.


Children/teens don't usually think this deeply. Something like this situation can cause a lot of unnecessary shame in their life...something that can take them years to recover from. If the child lives with a parent who is constantly _suspicious_, it doesn't bode well. Heck, I lived with a husband who was very punitive and believed in "shoot first and ask questions later". He is now my *EX* husband. I'll give you one guess what his parents were like while _he_ was growing up...



> There is a child's fable called The Boy Who Cried Wolf. I assume you're unfamiliar with it


. 

You 'assumed' incorrectly. 

Ya gotta look at the big picture. While the daughter may have lied before, she doesn't lie ALL THE TIME. No one lies ALL THE TIME. If my daughter told *me* what OP's daughter told her, I would have told *my* daughter to make sure she was telling me the truth because I _would_ be checking with the teacher. My daughter would have had to be NUTZ to lie to me _knowing fully well _that the TRUTH was only an email away. If my daughter held her ground knowing that I could find out the truth, I would have given her the benefit of the doubt. 

That doesn't mean that I _wouldn't_ have still checked. But I wouldn't have taken action until I knew what the truth was, even if I had to sit in her teachers office for several hours! Heck, I may have even gotten the principal involved if the teacher wasn't promptly responding. Of course, I also would have given the teacher a reasonable amount of time to respond, like a week, before attempting another route. I already understand that teachers are very busy. I've had to wait for up to THREE WEEKS before I got a response from my daughter's teachers before! 

Vega


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Under what conditions would a father take a daughter's side in such a vehement and destructive way? Even if the the daughter is daddy's Lil girl princess, why would he be so angry about his daughter getting her cell phone taken away?


I can think of a few reasons besides "Mom's obviously a Hitler-esque psycho." Top one being:

- Given the whole feel about the nature of the OP and the husband's relationship I'll put one possibility out there - maybe the husband borrowers the daughters' phone from time to time to be up to something he shouldn't be and figures its less likely to be found there than on his own phone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Starstarfish said:


> I can think of a few reasons besides "Mom's obviously a Hitler-esque psycho." Top one being:
> 
> - Given the whole feel about the nature of the OP and the husband's relationship I'll put one possibility out there - maybe the husband borrowers the daughters' phone from time to time to be up to something he shouldn't be and figures its less likely to be found there than on his own phone.


So then the OP can get the phone when her daughter is asleep.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> I can think of a few reasons besides "Mom's obviously a Hitler-esque psycho." Top one being:
> 
> - Given the whole feel about the nature of the OP and the husband's relationship I'll put one possibility out there - maybe the husband borrowers the daughters' phone from time to time to be up to something he shouldn't be and figures its less likely to be found there than on his own phone.


I stand corrected! Obviously that never occurred to me.

When I worked, I dealt with many a parent who were over the top punitive and treated their kids with such disrespect, it just really pushes my buttons!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Vega said:


> Children/teens don't usually think this deeply.


Of course they do. The Boy Who Cried Wolf is one of Aesop's fables. It's told to children. George Washington and the cherry tree is another example of a child's morality tale with the lesson that it's better to be truthful. My children understood from an early age that it's best to be honest.

Of course, spending time teaching children that honesty is the best policy, only to go to inordinate lengths to protect them from any negative consequences of dishonesty, accomplishes nothing. Children learn more from actions than they do from sermons. So, going to great lengths to ensure that they don't suffer any negative consequences only teaches them that dishonesty is a winning strategy in life.



> Something like this situation can cause a lot of unnecessary shame in their life...something that can take them years to recover from.


Shame from being a habitual liar? What a horrible concept.



> If the child lives with a parent who is constantly _suspicious_, it doesn't bode well.


Again, if the child is a habitual liar, all it proves is that the parent is a reasonable person. I fail to see how a child growing up with reasonable parents is a bad thing.



> Ya gotta look at the big picture. While the daughter may have lied before, she doesn't lie ALL THE TIME. No one lies ALL THE TIME.


So, as long as a child tells the truth SOME of the time, her parents should assume that she is always telling the truth? That's asinine.



> If my daughter told *me* what OP's daughter told her, I would have told *my* daughter to make sure she was telling me the truth because I _would_ be checking with the teacher. My daughter would have had to be NUTZ to lie to me _knowing fully well _that the TRUTH was only an email away. If my daughter held her ground knowing that I could find out the truth, I would have given her the benefit of the doubt.


Let's examine that scenario. Your daughter has a bad grade and faces losing her phone (the teenager's favorite possession). She knows that the truth will ultimately come out and that she will lose her phone. However, she knows that, if she lies to you, she will get to keep her phone for a few more days, or weeks. Also, she knows that being caught in a lie won't harm her reputation with you, because you believe parents are always obligated to believe their children. Your daughter would be foolish to tell you the truth.



> But I wouldn't have taken action until I knew what the truth was, even if I had to sit in her teachers office for several hours! Heck, I may have even gotten the principal involved if the teacher wasn't promptly responding.


Checking up on your child's story is fine and reasonable. Spending your day at the school just so your child (who habitually lies) doesn't face a negative consequence from lying is unreasonable.

The lesson to be learned from The Boy Who Cried Wolf is not that the townspeople should have continued to come running each and every time the boy cried out, regardless of his reputation for dishonesty.


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## sexy (Jul 29, 2012)

Wow, for those who aren't familiar with the history:
Last year and the year before that, I found pot in my daughter's room. It's not mine, she said. This continued. My daughter continued to blatantly lie and be as secretive and sneaky as she could to avoid consequences for her behavior. She continued to smoke weed and cigarettes without our knowledge. She would find opportunities while we were at work, asleep, while she was waiting to come from school, at friends homes, just any time she could get time by herself. We removed her bedroom door because of this. My husband found out about when I produced the evidence (bag of weed and lighter and pipe and cigarettes) and gave it to him. My other daughter had gone by my older daughter's room, and stopped in to look for something and came and got me immediately. She pointed to what she saw that alarmed her. It was a bag of weed and a pipe tucked in among my older daughter's other possessions and hidden fro plain view unless one was looking from the correct angle ( low and on the opposite side or her bed on a bookshelf tucked in between some other junk). She had been seeing both a therapist and a psychiatrist at that time as well for behavior problems and depression. Just this past spring (April to May) Her therapist recommended that we put her in a LTF (long-term treatment facility) for drug use. He recommended a VERY good one, and told me that he knew some of the staff there and some of his clients had used this facility before with remarkable success. Well, my husband was never interested in attending therapy sessions with me and my daughter and he was at work at this time. The doctor (PHD) made a lot of sense and the situation was pretty dire at this time so the doctor and I called up the facility and scheduled the admission for the next day. I had to withdraw my daughter from high school and everything. She continued her schooling at the RTF. This was VERY hard to do. After I got home I told my husband what the doctor and I had done and asked him to take our daughter out to the RTF since she would not fight him and he is the more experienced driver of the two of us. He agreed and took her out to the RTF the next morning while I went to the school and withdrew her from school. My daughter has lied to us FOR MORE THAN 2 YEARS WHENEVER IT SUITED HER NEEDS ALL THE TIME ABOUT EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! DID EVERYONE READ THAT? EVERYTHING!!! She would tell us WHATEVER she thought we wanted to hear just to get her way!!!!! She also used to sneak her (at the time) 17-year-old boyfriend over to our house after she was out of school and we were still at work. One day my younger daughter got home early from school and the boyfriend was there. My younger daughter reported this to me and I told my husband and she got into trouble again. I also asked several of my neighbors and they confirmed my younger daughter's story. I asked my neighbors if they ever noticed that boy or his car there again to text me and they did! I told the boy he was not to come over here again unless he saw my car in the driveway!
OK for those of you who did not know: THAT IS WHY I CANNOT TRUST MY OLDER DAUGHTER!!! HER CREDIBILITY SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE IS A LIAR AND A CHEAT!!!! And I have taken steps to treat her drug problem She is now drug free and has stopped smoking. The boyfriend calls me before coming over and we set up a time when he can spend time with her. My other daughter and my neighbors are still helping to monitor her comings and goings also. 
Now for the E-mail I sent to her physics teacher a few days before I took the phone:

Hello Coach H.
I am Mrs. Y, student X's mother. You have student X in your second period Physics class. Student X told me that you told them that no one fails your physics class unless they just don't show up. That's a big claim to make. . . Do I get my money back if she does?  
I am already worried about student X's Physics grade since it shows a 32 on my automated parent email alert. Student X claims that you changed her grade later because she turned something in late. The problem is that student X has said things like this to me before during the previous year and it turned out to not be true. If you happen change her grade from the 32 that was sent to me, could you please e-mail her grade to me at this address: I listed my email.
Also, if you notice that she is struggling in your class, could you please inform me or my husband by e-mail?
my email address
my husband's email address
Thank you for your attention to this matter. Again, if student X's grade changes from a 32, email me. If it doesn't, I'll know she's lying to me again.

Student X's mom

This is the communication I sent. I feel that I did all that was possible with data and facts that I had. As I said I tried to call him, but he was never available to speak to directly to me. This school relies more on automated communication and direct e-mails than phone calls.

Again, I feel that I did all that I could and made the best decisions I could based on the information and history that I had at the time. when my information changed, so did my decisions. I still think this was an overreaction on the part of my husband and a deliberate manipulation on the part of my daughter. 

My younger daughter heard all of this too.
This morning she told me that she just started her period and didn't want to go to school. I told her that she still had to go, since she wasn't sick or anything. I offered her something (advil or midol) to treat the symptoms (which were mild at best) but she refused them. Then she sa
id that's o.k I'LL JUST CALL DADDY!

THIS IS NOW WHAT MY DAUGHTERS RESORT TO WHEN I DENY THEM WHATEVER THEY BELIEVE THEY ARE ENTITLED TO.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Your daughter is NOT a liar and a cheat. She is a teenager. I think it's important to understand how the brain of a teenager works. Studies have shown that situational integrity is not something teenagers can grasp. To put this simply, they do not see that NOT admitting to something they have done is lying. Which is why parents need to communicate with a teenager in a way that actively teaches the benefits of taking responsibility for their actions.

So instead of asking: "is this pot yours?" To which any teenager is going to say, "oh no Mom I was just holding it for a friend!" the savvy parent will say: "I found drugs in your room. I don't care who they belong to they were in YOUR room and MY HOUSE!" And then your proceed with appropriate consequences, supervision changes, and or drug treatment as necessary.

You lit the fire and held her feet to it by insisting she admit to something every one already knows is true...which by passes and clouds the real issue...she brought drugs into your home and that means she is doing said drugs. 

Particularly with a strong willed child, it's vital to bypass something to get to the very meat of the vital things.

We teach strong willed kids to lie when we consistently put them in situations that require lies. Is this your pot? Did you leave the wet towel on the bed? Did you take money out of my purse? These are all questions to which the parent already knows the answer so why ask the question? 

You know the answer so address the issue. No pot in my home, no drug use either. Stop leaving wet towels on the bed it makes everything wet and musty. You are not to ever go into my purse ever without my permission. You will work off that 10 dollars this weekend and bring me what you bought.

We teach respect by giving respect. You insisted on respect but didn't mention an apology when you discovered she had been truthful all along. That creates an atmosphere of extreme hostility. 

For your own sake, Sexy, get into family counseling so you and your H learn better ways to parent together.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Your daughter is NOT a liar and a cheat. She is a teenager. I think it's important to understand how the brain of a teenager works. Studies have shown that situational integrity is not something teenagers can grasp. To put this simply, they do not see that NOT admitting to something they have done is lying. Which is why parents need to communicate with a teenager in a way that actively teaches the benefits of taking responsibility for their actions.
> 
> So instead of asking: "is this pot yours?" To which any teenager is going to say, "oh no Mom I was just holding it for a friend!" the savvy parent will say: "I found drugs in your room. I don't care who they belong to they were in YOUR room and MY HOUSE!" And then your proceed with appropriate consequences, supervision changes, and or drug treatment as necessary.
> 
> ...


Her forcing the child to admit do doing something wrong is not the issue. You honestly think that by changing a question into a statement you are going to make a difference. No you aren't respect is given to a child when that child earns respect. The mother of the child who is in the house every day dealing with said child is telling us that the child has lost credibility. I think that is the main thing that is the problem. If you try to sit down with a teen and have a heart to heart you will waste a lot of time. They will listen but as soon as they are around friends and people that encourage her behavior they will have a much more dramatic effect. If I were her I would sit her down and explain to her that she has lost credibility. Tell her that, until that Credibility is back, situations like the one that went down between her, the father, and the teacher won't happen. Explain to her that until the credibility was there the child will have to prove herself. Give the child ways to prove herself through chores, and tasks the get her heavily involved in making the household better. Find out if she is in contact with any toxic friends and try to create distance between them as best as possible. When drugs are involved things are complicated. You need to have her drug tested. Get a hair test done. This is to determine whether or not she has been doing just weed or if she has moved onto other drugs. It is vital that you don't just blow this off as she is smoking a little weed. You don't know that. And if she has been doing other drugs you need to do everything in your power to get her to agree to go to a rehab program. The earlier you intervene the more likely she is to not relapse. 
Frankly the lying, skipping out on school, grades dropping, associating with people you don't approve of, confirmed drug use outside of medical reasons, and manipulation are Gigantic red flags. You need to focus on finding everything out about your daughter you can. I still don't understand why the child is allowed to have privacy after being caught with drugs. There would be no cellphone, no door, and no friends outside of school until after the hair test came back. Even after that she would only be allowed to go to school, then to school oriented extra curricular activities and then back home.


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## sexy (Jul 29, 2012)

Thanks Bad,

That is basically what we are doing. We have in in a rehab program; we have had her tested; She is seeing medical professionals about her drug use. We are doing all these things. This thread was never intended to be about drog use and how to better assist DD with rehab. Believe me! Those bases are being covered. She even got an 87 on her last physics test!!!!! I'm so proud of her; and before y'all tell me unnecessarily to tell her how proud I am-that base is covered.
Really, I never intended this thread to grow into something about the best way to raise your wayward drug-using teen, I just wanted a couple of questions answered. I think too many people made false assumptions thinking that I purposely tried to manipulate this situation to get my way. Really, WHAT POSSIBLE REASON WOULD I HAVE TO MANIPULATE ALL THIS TO GET MY DAUGHTER'S CELL PHONE FOR 2 DAYS!!! THINK PEOPLE! I just took the actions I took based on the data I had, and my husband WAY overreacted!!! I expect him to overreact again when my older daughter becomes upset again. He never had a dad who stayed with his mom. He's a product of abuse and divorce and lived with his mom after age 7 or so. His father was abusive. He never had a dad that backed up his wife's decisions. I diid, but I don't think that makes me a power-hungry blood-thirsty d--k-wielding mom. I'm not trying to win here, I just think I don't need permission to parent. I don't insist he get permission from me; Why would I seek permission from him. 
I merely want to know if his actions were legal in case he does it again. I can inform of this. He usually backs down if he thinks what he's doing is illegal. Yeah, I know, but he thinks that his word should mean everything and mine doesn't mean as much.
I didn't cause this. He doesn't realize that I am doing what I think is best in every situation that comes my way. and that's just what happened! the decision came my way to me not to him, so I did what I thought was best, and just because he would have done it differently does NOT authorize that type of overreaction.

At any rate folks, Thanks


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> Sexy said: That is basically what we are doing. We have in in a rehab program; we have had her tested; She is seeing medical professionals about her drug use. We are doing all these things. This thread was never intended to be about drog use and how to better assist DD with rehab. Believe me! Those bases are being covered. She even got an 87 on her last physics test!!!!! I'm so proud of her; and before y'all tell me unnecessarily to tell her how proud I am-that base is covered.


Sexy, I think the problem is that we didn't realize the seriousness of what you're actually dealing with here - hence some of the unhelpful / critical replies you've received.

I think one of the main difficulties you're facing is that (possibly because of his past) your H doesn't know how to be a parent and, rather than supporting you, he's automatically siding with your children - thus exacerbating the problem. Other than counseling, I don't see a way around this.


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## sexy (Jul 29, 2012)

Thanx Cosmos. truly that is my assessment also, but you know the old saying. . . You must want to change. THAT is my problem. He doesn't want anything to do with counseling, he doesn't want to see that he is part of the problem, and divorcing him wouldn't accomplish anything but give me more problems. My kids are teens now. They probably won't live here forever. He is gone more than he is here. He just wants to that HE is the chief boss, and I cannot consult him (nor should I have to) for every decision. Whenever I bring something up, he has ti take the opposite position automatically, as if I could not do any decision making without him. My younger daughter did not want to go to school today because she began a period. She has had a period for about a year or so now, so its not a big deal. I told her she still has to go to school. I told her since she wasn''t sick or had a fever or something more severe, she had to go to school. She told me, that's o.k. I'll just call Dad.
This IS a problem.
Its just like having a third teenager with my husband. But I don't feel that situations such as the original one warrant all of this overreaction.

Thanks for your post.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

It's a pity your H won't go for counselling... There are probably control issues emanating from his own abusive childhood, and seeing his own children being disciplined is like a red rag to a bull for him...

Sadly, he's teaching your girls how to manipulate by undermining your authority as a parent. As far as your children are concerned, it's my guess that divorce would exacerbate the situation further and probably result in parental alienation syndrome.

As things stand, I think you could probably do with the support from either a family counselor or a parenting group in order to find a way around your H's negative input - because as you said, it's as though you're rearing 3 teenagers, rather than 2.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your husband wants to be the boss? Let him. Every single time the kids want something, to go somewhere, anything - tell them to call daddy and ask him. I guarantee he'll be sick of it in a day.

Still trying to figure out what the big deal is if the kid has her phone taken away. My mom would have put me on restriction for life if I had pulled 1/100th what your daughter has.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your husband wants to be the boss? Let him. Every single time the kids want something, to go somewhere, anything - tell them to call daddy and ask him. I guarantee he'll be sick of it in a day.

Still trying to figure out what the big deal is if the kid has her phone taken away. My mom would have put me on restriction for life if I had pulled 1/100th what your daughter has.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

I will say that your stance makes sense given her drug use. I don't know what stage she is in about her rehab. But getting back to the point about your H. Did your husband enable your daughters behavior before her rehab. I am curious as to whether or not your H is terrified that if you parent the kid that she might relapse. If you remember the show "Intervention" lots of time going through drug abuse there is a parent or family member that is afraid to do anything negative for fear of losing the kids sobriety. I do agree that when things settle down that you do explain that you are sorry for how things went down. That because her actions in the past has ruined her credibility that for a while you can't just take her at her word. Tell her that it will come in time but for now the best thing she can do is just deal without her phone or punishment. And the times she does tell the truth and takes the punishment without being disrespectful. Then do something to reward her something small. Something that reinforces that behavior. IT is not surprising and I would not be surprised if there are more fights and arguements like this. and I am sorry but if you had backed down it would have sent wrong message to your daughter. But next time things get heated one of you needs to walk away and put things on hiatus until you can calmly and rationally examine the situation. I would also make sure that you and him are getting MC. Your situation isn't a normal one. IT isn't something that everyone is going to just get. So please the best thing you and your H can do is find a way to mantain stability confront situations without eruptions. Your husband wasn't really being passive aggressive. His actions fall into the abrasive type of aggressive personalities. Which is where him actively in front of you threatening to disable the vehicle and then doing so. Which is not a healthy way for someone in a marriage to behave. If he had just simply disabled the car and waited without confronting you and then trying to bargain with you to get her phone back. Most of the time these passive aggressive behaviors stem from childhood issues. So more than likely if he doesn't actively seek to change he won't. Getting a third party councilor involved is your best bet to learn how to help him and yourself understand how to communicate without triggering the negative responses that you have had in the past. I am also assuming this isn't the first time he's had outbursts like this?


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I would have gone the the school and talked to the teacher first, before anything else.

Discipline is very important. If they have no consciences they will continue to do whatever they are doing. I would have conformed rather or not your daughter was lying by talking to the teacher first.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I stick by my initial assessment. Your daughter did nothing wrong. You actually punished her because her teacher did not respond the way you wanted him to in a timely manner. Not cool.

It sounds like there will be not counseling for how to co-parent. The best thing that you and your husband could do is to learn how to co-parent.

Rehab is usually a huge waste of money. Very few kids stop doing drugs in a rehab when they are told to go. They just learn how to hide the drug use better.

This is why you and your husband need to learn to be on the same page.


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## oregonmom (Jan 6, 2012)

I am going to approach this from a little different angle.

I think it the drugs/rehab is a big piece of this problem. Not only do teenagers lie, bigger than that, addicts lie. About everything. All the time. It's no surprise that she lied about everything while she was using.

How has she been doing since she got out of the rehab? Has she still been lying? It seems like she is doing much better. Boyfriend is calling and only coming over when you say ok, she got a good grade on her latest test. If she is doing better now and showing that with her actions, you need to let go of the past some. Otherwise, she is not seeing any rewards for her current good behavior and she won't see a reason to keep it up. Does that make sense? You do have to still keep a close eye on her, but you also need to show her she can regain your trust by doing the right thing now.

This was not all her fault, the teacher had a huge part in this. I understand why you didn't trust her, but her teacher responding to you was out of her control. She did all she could in the present time. Sure she just could have turned it in on time to begin with, but she's not perfect and it seems like she did her best to rectify the situation.

I agree your H is a problem here too. It's too bad he didn't participate in the counciling, he should have. You guys need to be collaborating on this stuff. It is just multiplying the problem that he is allowing you two to be put against one another. I do think you are being a little unfair towards your daughter though, and it sounds like he is relishing the role of being the "good guy". I think if you became a little more reasonable, that would take his power of the good guy away.

Just a few things for you to think about, hope it helps.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

badbane said:


> Her forcing the child to admit do doing something wrong is not the issue. You honestly think that by changing a question into a statement you are going to make a difference. .



I don't think you read my whole post or maybe I wasn't as clear as I thought.

There are HUNDREDS of issues with this family. I picked 1 the original issue she posted about. Calling her daughter a liar with a long history of lying, then finding out the daughter DIDN'T in fact lie but had IN FACT be truthful and yet Mom had so over blown the whole damn issue she now couldn't back down and safe face.

I stand by my post and everything in it. I see that you disagree. Thats okay, this is a public forum not a chorus.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I stick by my initial assessment. Your daughter did nothing wrong. You actually punished her because her teacher did not respond the way you wanted him to in a timely manner. Not cool.
> 
> It sounds like there will be not counseling for how to co-parent. The best thing that you and your husband could do is to learn how to co-parent.
> 
> ...


Having worked for an urban non profit I can tell you rehab for teens is a complete waste of money. What really needs to happen is the get the whole dysfunctional family into rehab!

However, if any of my family ever ended up with a drug problem, I would take them out of school, leave the community with them and rent a cabin in some forgotten woods completely cut off from society for 9 months.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Having worked for an urban non profit I can tell you rehab for teens is a complete waste of money. What really needs to happen is the get the whole dysfunctional family into rehab!
> 
> However, if any of my family ever ended up with a drug problem, I would take them out of school, leave the community with them and rent a cabin in some forgotten woods completely cut off from society for 9 months.


Yep. I agree on this. The issue is not one 'bad' teen. The issue is a very broken family.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

Actually, I have seen many people come out of rehab and live a drug *free* life. But those are people who do REAL drugs like coke, heroin, etc. But c'mon, this is marijuana we are talking about. First of all, we were all in high school. Half the class smoked weed daily and a lot of them went to college and made something of themselves. I know plenty of big people in businesses, firms, govt, etc. that smoke weed all. the. time. The only thing is that.. it's illegal.. for now, anyways, unless you live in certain states. 

You said your daughter is 17? Well, my thoughts are is that she is probably dying to move out when she gets the chance and she will most likely freely smoke weed (that has no harmful effects) as much as she pleases. Even cops don't care unless it's a significant amount.

As for you, your daughter is 17, not 12. Honestly, I would hate to be your daughter. In this situation, it seems that your H is fed up. Your daughter is almost in college; this is what teenagers/college kids do. You are doing yourself a disservice this late in the game. I get it, that if she was doing hard drugs, there'd be concern, but quite frankly, millions of people smoke weed and cigarettes. 

What's going to happen is that she is going to end up resenting you. The minute she gets out of the house, she will not come back, unless she needs money - and that is because she can't stand you. 

You've done what you can do, but it's about that time she lives and learns. And if you want to be in her life in a couple years - you need to start UNDERSTANDING your daughter.

And as for calling the police - they'd more than likely arrest your husband because now-a-days if the police get called for something dumb, someone is getting arrested. There would be a whole scene outside in front of your neighbors. He'd be charged with DV, more than likely. You'd have to post his bail the next day. Then, you would have to not testify when you meet with the DA so then the DA will drop the case. Then, you have to get his mugshot removed off of tons of webpages which costs 100's of dollar and file a motion to clear his name with an atty. All because you wanted to teach him a lesson for backing up his daughter and not agreeing with you; not cool. COPS DO NO COME TO HOUSES TO CITE PEOPLE, SOMEONE IS GETTING ARRESTED DONT BE STUPID


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

wise said:


> Actually, I have seen many people come out of rehab and live a drug *free* life. But those are people who do REAL drugs like coke, heroin, etc.


You seem to have missed the operative words… 


EleGirl said:


> Rehab is usually a huge waste of money. Very few kids stop doing drugs in a rehab when they are told to go. They just learn how to hide the drug use better.


Few people get anything out of rehab when they are forced to go. When they go on their own because they finally have come to the conclusion that they need to turn their lives around, then yes its far more likely to work.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

badbane said:


> No what I see here is alarming. I would not dream of interfering with my wife's disciplining of children. What she says when I am not there goes and when I come home and the kids try to beg for sympathy I point them to their mother. What he is doing is undermining your ability to parent. Reinforcing bad behavior for your daughter. Kudos to you for standing up for yourself and your parenting. He should not be ordering you to do anything. You are right you are not his property he was not involved with the situation and what he was doing was straight up abuse. Does this happen often?





Vega said:


> Geez, I'll repeat what I wrote before. This whole situation could have been avoided if the OP had taken measures to seek the truth in the first place. She jumped to conclusions. Her daughter was punished because it was suspected that she was lying. As it turned out, she WAS _NOT_ LYING.
> 
> I've also been in similar situations, and I wouldn't DREAM of "punishing" any of my FOUR CHILDREN before I discovered the truth.





Anon Pink said:


> You have to ask yourself,
> 
> Under what conditions would a father take a daughter's side in such a vehement and destructive way? Even if the the daughter is daddy's Lil girl princess, why would he be so angry about his daughter getting her cell phone taken away?
> 
> My conclusion is that Mom has a history of being over the top punitive AND has a history of not including her husband in behavior issues with the child. There must already be a huge amount of anger, mistrust and blaming between the husband and wife to make a father go so over board in defending his daughter, because the VAST majority of men step back and follow Mom's lead particularly with teen daughters.


I'd quote a few more, but I'll stick with these for now. OP, your daughter is a teenager, something in an unquoted response from AnonPink that's important for you to learn about. I encourage you to read up on teenage brain development. 

I read up on it because my stepdaughter is EXACTLY like your daughter! I nearly left my husband a couple of times because he was too "on her side" and I wasn't about to participate in watching her life get flushed down the toilet. 

But... having said that, let me talk about some other stuff, too.

You're feeling mistrustful and anxious about her behaviors, with good reason. He's not feeling responsive enough to put a stop to what's going on. You are both teaching her HORRIBLE examples of how to treat a significant other! Why? Because you're all engaging in power struggles. 

I would encourage you and your husband to sit down and agree that your relationships with each other and your daughter are important enough to nurture. With that in mind, agree to no more than SIX hard rules for her, and let those rules have predictable consequences that she will not like. Firm, fair, and consistent application of the rules and consequences will achieve a great deal AND help keep peace in your home. 

It's important for both of you to support the other parent FIRST. If your daughter is being physically or emotionally traumatized, that's a different story, but losing a phone for a few days is NOT traumatic! There should not be interference there, but it is important to discuss things privately, preferably BEFORE administering consequences. 

Also, fix the core problem. The situation you got into wasn't about the teacher being late. It was because your daughter failed to hand in her assignment on time in the first place. That's NOT the teacher's fault! 

My suggestion for appropriate rules for a teen might be something like:

1. You will not use drugs. If you use drugs, you will be placed into treatment or ____ (get kicked out, be grounded to a parent, have your room searched weekly, etc.)
2. You will maintain a B average at school or face (X consequence). _ I don't encourage you to keep close tabs on individual assignments, because it's a losing battle and if you have an umbrella rule like this, your child is more likely to find success and feel more valued...all while learning valuable time management skills. Right now, you are working harder on her school work than she is! _
3. You will complete your chores each day or __________.
4. You will answer questions truthfully or __________. 

Your husband and you have a duty to demonstrate teamwork and responsibility, which includes refusing to participate in her pitting one against the other. 

I would strongly encourage you to attend Al-Anon meetings as well.

If all else fails, disengage. Let your husband take 100% responsibility and watch the magic happen. Tell him you trust him to raise her well and then STOP parenting her. I did this with my stepdaughter, and I would do it with my own children if my spouse was behaving the way your husband is. Mine is similar to your guy, but recognizes the problems at least. Still, he cannot bring himself to "be mean" to her, which means she manipulates and is horrible about some things. I no longer even speak to her except a bare minimum and will continue to stay disengaged until she's older and moved out. I do not feel like my life is out of control, and there is no reason for power struggles between him and me.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

There's a lot of "my" in your post.

Is this your daughter and his step-child? or is this child both of yours?

Is the table yours or both of yours?

You already know the vehicle belongs to both of you so don't refer to it as yours.

Did you mail the teacher? I never wait for my daughter's teachers to email me. I don't have to wait. I have their email address handy.

You made a unilateral decision to take away the child's phone. Where's the co-parenting here? 

You both have some growing to do.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

I am just going to say that this thread was how to deal with the Husband not the daughter. This thread is nowhere on topic and she wants advice on how to deal with him. I am pretty sure the OP is not even paying attention to this thread anymore because it has turned into a debate over how she should deal with her child.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

badbane said:


> I am just going to say that this thread was how to deal with the Husband not the daughter. This thread is nowhere on topic and she wants advice on how to deal with him. I am pretty sure the OP is not even paying attention to this thread anymore because it has turned into a debate over how she should deal with her child.


She was given many responses saying that he's an owner of the car and can legally do whatever he chooses to the car. She was also advised that calling the police would not get her what she wants, most likely.

It was also suggested that in dealing with her husband, MC, and parenting counseling is in order because they both need to learn how to co-parent.

She got plenty of responses that addressed these topics.


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