# World turned upside down yesterday



## Stacey24 (Aug 20, 2017)

Hello I am new here and am devastated. I have been with my husband for 20 years. 
Yesterday I was looking through my husbands email to look for a quote on some construction that was being emailed to us. I couldn't find it so looked in the deleted emails. I found several emails from my husband to a man planning to meet up for sex (through craigslist). In the emails, he tells them that he is married and this is his first time and that he is doing this and is nervous. The emails were very short and just are you interested and repost if you are. I confronted him and he swears that it is just about sex and that he is not gay and never has cheated on me. He said that he didn't look for a girl because he did not want any strings or feelings involved because he loves me too much. We do not have sex often and that is my fault. We love each other but I have a problem with sex. When I was young I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years that really affected my perception of sex. I understand that he is frustrated but this is just crazy. I just don't know what to do. I went through all of his emails, phone history... and this just started 2 months ago. He said he saw an add on the back of the paper and started looking and it went from that to this. there have been no other calls or emails and I do believe that this is the first time. He says that he doesn't think he would have gone through with it but that he just wants to have more sex. I just don't know where to go from here. He said that this is a cry for help and that he wants our marriage to turn around from here and that he is not gay, only loves me and wants to be with me for the rest of our lives. He told me to delete his email and take all of his electronics... He wants us to get through this. Am I being naive and believe that it was only about the sex and nothing more? I am heartbroken


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Even if it was "just about the sex, nothing more," that's still a huge problem. 

How often do you have sex with your husband? Many of us men on these boards have felt sex starved, but we've never considered cheating as a way of handling it.

Also, the "I just chose a man to avoid emotional entanglement" doesn't wash. Two men can become emotionally involved and there are women, even prostitutes, who will have sex without any emotion. 

I hate to say it, but getting to the bottom of this won't be easy, and may require ouside (possibly costly) assistance.


----------



## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Stacey24 said:


> We do not have sex often and that is my fault. We love each other but I have a problem with sex. When I was young I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years that really affected my perception of sex.


What have you done to fix this? Any therapy?


----------



## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Hello Stacey24. 

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry for the situation you are facing now. It's a common theme here for couples to have one person have a much higher drive than the other. What isn't as common is the cause of your lower drive. First and foremost, have you ever received any therapy for the sexual abuse you experienced? This is a strong step towards your healing process, which is important, whether you wish to recover your relationship with your husband. 

Regarding your husband... It does not matter that nothing actually happened. He took steps that betrayed trust. I do not condone cheating. Cheating is wrong. I had to reread your story a couple of times. I agree. This is a lot to take in. I suppose it's possible that he's primarily straight and just a little bi-curious, but that really isn't the issue. I do believe that's about the sex. I get a sense of extraordinarily extreme frustration on his part. I feel that he does love you and doesn't want to be without you but in a physical sense, he has been in a 20 year prison sentence and simply cannot live with the current situation any longer. He doesn't want to have more sex. He needs to have more sex (there is a difference). I don't say this to add to your current burden, but it is important that you have an insight to the depth of his frustration (It's hard to tell if or how often you and he have ever talked about his need for more physical attention over the course of your marriage). 

Before you can decide what to do, you have to decide what you want. If you still want to be with him, you're going to have to want him too. You also have to want to heal yourself. Please seek help if you have not in the past. You will benefit in the long run. Good luck to you...


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

The crap that he wanted to meet a male for, I just wanted more sex" doesn't jibe. If people want to keep telling themselves that its the cheating that's bad, not the male on male sex, if fine with me but the record shows that homosexual sex spreads AIDS to the extent it makes heterosexual prostitutes look like pikers, notwithstanding he's at least equally attracted to men as he is his own wife. If it were my sister or sister in law, I rather see their husbands with another woman than a man.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You need to be very careful here and make looking after yourself your number one priority.You only have his word that nothing has happened and as a previous poster alluded to,the chances of contracting hiv are higher in homosexual encounters than heterosexual.You need to make him use condoms if you have sex with him but in your shoes I would be insisting on a full blood screening including hiv and you have to wait a number of months between tests.For what it's worth I think this story about just wanting more sex is bs,he has at the very least some curiosity about gay sex and I wouldn't be surprised if he is actually bisexual.
You need to address your own issues,is their any way you can afford professional counselling.You have kept this abuse bottled up for two long and the last thing you need to be doing is swapping one type of abuse for another.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Stacey24 said:


> Hello I am new here and am devastated. I have been with my husband for 20 years.
> Yesterday I was looking through my husbands email to look for a quote on some construction that was being emailed to us. I couldn't find it so looked in the deleted emails. I found several emails from my husband to a man planning to meet up for sex (through craigslist). In the emails, he tells them that he is married and this is his first time and that he is doing this and is nervous. The emails were very short and just are you interested and repost if you are. I confronted him and he swears that it is just about sex and that he is not gay and never has cheated on me. He said that he didn't look for a girl because he did not want any strings or feelings involved because he loves me too much. We do not have sex often and that is my fault. We love each other but I have a problem with sex. When I was young I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years that really affected my perception of sex. I understand that he is frustrated but this is just crazy. I just don't know what to do. I went through all of his emails, phone history... and this just started 2 months ago. He said he saw an add on the back of the paper and started looking and it went from that to this. there have been no other calls or emails and I do believe that this is the first time. He says that he doesn't think he would have gone through with it but that he just wants to have more sex. I just don't know where to go from here. He said that this is a cry for help and that he wants our marriage to turn around from here and that he is not gay, only loves me and wants to be with me for the rest of our lives. He told me to delete his email and take all of his electronics... He wants us to get through this. Am I being naive and believe that it was only about the sex and nothing more? I am heartbroken


Wow I'm sorry. As a heterosexual male the idea of going to a man because I don't want feelings involved doesn't really jive. He must be bisexual at the very least and in that case I guess there may be some misguided logic to it. He can't say he is straight though if he is looking to men. Also I am not sure why he is so sure feelings won't get involved. Beyond all that, that is the least of your problems, cheating is cheating, the sex of the affair partner doesn't matter at all. 

The thing with people that cheat is they are really good at lying. It's is very possible that this is only the first time he has been caught. You may want to think about a polygraph to make sure you have the whole truth. I know that sucks but it is what it is. Check your phone bill as well. What he is doing isn't just putting your emotional well being at risk but your health as well. There is a big risk with that kind of random (hook up with craigslist ads) lifestyle. You should get tested just to be sure. 

Now as far as the sex thing, that in no way excuses what he did and I am not saying that. But on a side note, you should work on that no matter who you are with. That really is a loss for you! 

I am very sorry this happened to you.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Stacey, I am sorry you are here. I wouldn't not listen to your H's explanations, something seems 'off.' It is very strange for a heterosexual man to see sex with a male, why not a prostitute instead? There is more to this than meets the eye.

Please go and get STD tested and tell your H you want to see a therapist with him to discuss this in a moderated environment. I think you might need a polygraph to really know the truth.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Stacey24 said:


> He said that he didn't look for a girl because he did not want any strings or feelings involved because he loves me too much.


Yes, that's what most heterosexual men do when they're looking for no-strings-attached sex. They have it with a _man_, instead. He's a special kind of stupid using that ignorant excuse, isn't he?



> We do not have sex often and that is my fault.


That doesn't negate the fact that your husband is bisexual.



> He said that this is a cry for help and that he wants our marriage to turn around from here and that he is not gay, only loves me and wants to be with me for the rest of our lives.


Oh Jesus. A 'cry for help' my ass. He's obviously bisexual and too embarrassed to admit it to you. I can understand that. But I'll bet he's more than likely had SOME kind of experience in his past that he'll never admit to you, and was looking for *more* experience.

I agree with the others. I'd get myself tested.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Your husband is at least bisexual and he has learned that prostitutes cost money, but men will get him off for free. 

Your options seem to be leave or continue not having sex with him (to protect yourself from whatever STD he might contract) and turn a blind eye when he gets it elsewhere. I don't recommend the blind eye approach, but to each her own.


----------



## Anthony Wellers (Jul 29, 2017)

How far back do these emails go? Have you logged the dates to see if there is some pattern?

If there are a few emails within a few days of each other, it could have been 'a moment of weakness' (or whatever other people want to call it). If they were over an extended period of time, then I WOULD be worried.

Also, try to think back (or check any records or journals, facebook posts, anything) and jog your memory over whether you think there was any other unusual activity on his part during these times, like going out with little explanation, or any kind of suspicious activity. Even coming home and being especially or unusually nice can be a warning sign.

I would err on the side of caution on this one. Like others have said, get the tests done. If he refuses, well.....

As for your own problems, the dislike of sex because of past experiences, this a major hurdle. But I think finding out for sure whether he has cheated would take priority. If it turns out that it was just passing curiosity (and it does happen with some people), then, and only then, look at sex counselling.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm sorry, but men who aren't getting any and are heterosexual do not reach out to other men for relief.
He's probably in denial or just doesn't want his world to come crashing down through divorce.

My husband for years tried to deflect his own insecurities by claiming that he thought *I* was bisexual. Fighting with him over that was enough to throw me off the "scent" of what he was really up to.
Turns out that he wanted to be a woman and once he finally had the courage to tell me, he went all gung-ho and I was just a millstone burdening his identity journey.

So... people are capable of projecting and coming up with any number of garbage excuses to gaslight and distract you from the actual truth.

If it walks and talks like a duck...


----------



## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Stacey, there are two serious issues here. One is his planned infidelity. Bad enough.

The other is the fact that he might be gay. I was in a sexless marriage for many years and can honestly tell you that the thought of doing something with a man _never crossed my mind_. The thought repulsed me. I would rather remain celibate. He needs to be honest with himself and with you.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

I agree hes at least bi but most likely supressing his sexuality his whole life.

Go to therapy for yourself. See a lawyer


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

The thing about the so called bisexual is most desire the same sex greater than they do the opposite sex. Whatever relationship they are in, and especially with the opposite sex, is never going to satisfy them. Politically correct or not, I'll submit they are among the most notorious serial cheaters (equal to straight out male homosexuals. I think females have much much less proclivity toward promiscuity). Bi's are much more destructive because of the damage they do to there opposite sex spouse and kids when they fall off the wagon and their charade is exposed. Save yourself a lot of future misery and ditch the guy.


----------



## Stacey24 (Aug 20, 2017)

Hi again.. Thanks for all of your emails. I looked through all of our phone records online and there are no phone calls to unknown numbers. I am very good with computers and he is not. I was able to access all of his activity. He browsed for about a month to these sights but only wrote the 2 messages that I was speaking of. I really appreciate your suggestions that I help myself first and that is exactly what I am going to do. I am going to see a counselor to help myself. It has been awful feeling this way about sex for all of these years and I don't want this anymore. As for us, I just don't know. I honestly do believe him and might regret it, but all of his history online does show what he has told me is accurate. I will take it day by day but if there is ONE more online search... it will be over. Maybe counseling will be an option as well. It is so hard to throw away 20 years, but I will not be made a fool of either.


----------



## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

Talk is cheap and online talk more so, his chatting it up online may just be his idea of Porn. You should look at the sites he is one and Email him make it look like and old chat, set up a meet and then see if he follows thru....catch him redhanded or find it is just fantasy


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

David51 said:


> Talk is cheap and online talk more so, his chatting it up online may just be his idea of Porn. You should look at the sites he is one and Email him make it look like and old chat, set up a meet and then see if he follows thru....catch him redhanded or find it is just fantasy


Porn is a collection of moving pixels on a screen, not conversation and interaction with another person from which an emotional connection -- or worse -- could prospectively be formed.

And especially not when it occurs via sites, apps, or services that exist primarily to facilitate said illicit interactions.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Stacey, you need to see a psychologist. You need to address your problem of withholding sex. Woman here, 37 years married (first marriage for the both of us) and neither has cheated. Sex is very important in a marriage. However, your husband has bisexual tendencies. You might need a marriage counselor as well. I don't think that your husband's action warrants a a divorce, but you'll need to address the lack of sex issue.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Stacey24 said:


> Hello I am new here and am devastated. I have been with my husband for 20 years.
> Yesterday I was looking through my husbands email to look for a quote on some construction that was being emailed to us. I couldn't find it so looked in the deleted emails. I found several emails from my husband to a man planning to meet up for sex (through craigslist). In the emails, he tells them that he is married and this is his first time and that he is doing this and is nervous. The emails were very short and just are you interested and repost if you are. I confronted him and he swears that it is just about sex and that he is not gay and never has cheated on me. He said that he didn't look for a girl because he did not want any strings or feelings involved because he loves me too much. We do not have sex often and that is my fault. We love each other but I have a problem with sex. When I was young I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years that really affected my perception of sex. I understand that he is frustrated but this is just crazy. I just don't know what to do. I went through all of his emails, phone history... and this just started 2 months ago. He said he saw an add on the back of the paper and started looking and it went from that to this. there have been no other calls or emails and I do believe that this is the first time. He says that he doesn't think he would have gone through with it but that he just wants to have more sex. I just don't know where to go from here. He said that this is a cry for help and that he wants our marriage to turn around from here and that he is not gay, only loves me and wants to be with me for the rest of our lives. He told me to delete his email and take all of his electronics... He wants us to get through this. Am I being naive and believe that it was only about the sex and nothing more? I am heartbroken


WOW!

He definitely has homosexual tendencies at least.

He is also a cheater.

He very well could be going a little crazy for sex if you are denying him.

You can do something about the third point and it might help him with the first and second points but those are totally on him.


----------



## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

I agree with a lot of what was said. In truth you probably only found a piece of what has been goin on. In the emails did his story seem slick? Any I don't knows or I never did this before? If not he probably had his story down and rehearsed. The others are right in that if you want to save the marriage therapy is probably a must. Even then though you will have to put away your demons that will linger long past therapy. The demons of thinking "is he really where he says he is?". That's a tough road. Good luck.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

A man that is heterosexual doesn't look for another man to have sex with.

I personally think he's gay and has likely tried his whole life to hide it.

This is NOT over.

You are very foolish to rugsweep this.

Your husband is eventually going to find himself a dude to play with. Just a matter of time. He could infect you with hiv. But likely something. 

Your husband was looking for gay sex (man in man is gay sex, let's face it.
The urge isn't likely to just go away. You're really in for some trouble.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

a link for you- hopefully it helps you deal with your own feelings - https://forgivenwife.com/unbearable-lessons/


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

You need to take a hard line on this. He lied, was planning to physically cheat, and worst still possibly endanger your life. Who knows what he would of bought home sexually. Visit a divorce lawyer find out your rights then file. You can always change your mind later but he needs to know there are consequences for his actions or you will most likely find yourself in this situation again with him.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

he sounds like he is "Bi Curious". Probably as a result of watching sissy porn or gay porn and masturbating to it. 

Would he have gone thru with a gay hookup, or was it all a fantasy? Who knows. Usually people just talk a big game but never go thru with it..

But you have learned that your marriage is heading towards rocky shoals, and it appears to be because you are not giving your husband enough sex. So if you DO want your marriage to be repaired....the sexual part is what needs to be addressed..

there are PLENTY of bisexual people out there who choose to never cheat with someone outside the marriage. they just suppress those thoughts and feelings, and supplement them with good married sex. but it takes two to tango.

it might NOT be too late to put this toothpaste back in the tube. but you need to satisfy him sexually to do it. Along with satisfying his needs, you can discuss hard boundaries on your relationship that YOU need for the marriage to proceed.


----------



## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

Maybe you should dress up like a man purchase the proper equipment and try some "Role Reversal Sex" with your husband. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Stacey24 said:


> Hello I am new here and am devastated. I have been with my husband for 20 years.
> Yesterday I was looking through my husbands email to look for a quote on some construction that was being emailed to us. I couldn't find it so looked in the deleted emails. I found several emails from my husband to a man planning to meet up for sex (through craigslist). In the emails, he tells them that he is married and this is his first time and that he is doing this and is nervous. The emails were very short and just are you interested and repost if you are. I confronted him and he swears that it is just about sex and that he is not gay and never has cheated on me. He said that he didn't look for a girl because he did not want any strings or feelings involved because he loves me too much. We do not have sex often and that is my fault. We love each other but I have a problem with sex. When I was young I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years that really affected my perception of sex. I understand that he is frustrated but this is just crazy. I just don't know what to do. I went through all of his emails, phone history... and this just started 2 months ago. He said he saw an add on the back of the paper and started looking and it went from that to this. there have been no other calls or emails and I do believe that this is the first time. He says that he doesn't think he would have gone through with it but that he just wants to have more sex. I just don't know where to go from here. He said that this is a cry for help and that he wants our marriage to turn around from here and that he is not gay, only loves me and wants to be with me for the rest of our lives. He told me to delete his email and take all of his electronics... He wants us to get through this. Am I being naive and believe that it was only about the sex and nothing more? I am heartbroken


OK... let's get this straight in our minds:

He is going to have extramarital sex with a man.

But that should not worry you, because he isn't having extramarital sex with a woman.

And it is only sex, so do not worry about that, either. 










Oh, yes! There it is! His arguments are on page 48 of the Cheaters' Handbook...


----------



## RooKittie (Sep 26, 2017)

I am sorry you are dealing with this. I won't go into detail on your post but I am in the same situation, only my husband has been 'seeing' a man for sex for years. I am working on leaving him but my situation is very complicated. Seek an attorney. Don't put yourself through this.


----------



## csulk22 (Oct 3, 2017)

I'm currently going thru the same thing. But sex wasn't an issue for us..even tho he blamed me for him wanting to get some on the side. Those girls on Craigslist and Backpage are prostitutes. If he said that he never met up with them..sorry to say but if your gonna put effort into that obv you did.


----------



## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

something really rubs me raw with the OP's post. I am going to going against popular opinion here.

I think it is unbelievably hypocritical of the OP to come here and dismiss her lack of sexual desire for her husband. She "feels bad" about it...but has DONE nothing about it. 

Did he let here down by soliciting for sex? Sure. she is all outraged, "if this happens ONE MORE TIME I'm out" were her words, yet she has dismissed HIS needs, admittedly for years.

I'm sure the fact it was with a man stings even worse....how humiliating for the OP.....yet he probably has to go to the office and listen to the single guys talk about how much they are getting from their hot girlfriends and he goes home to a frigid woman. And she is offended.

OP....want to know why you are so upset by this? Because you dont have to look in the mirror this way. Instead of acknowledging your participation and blame in this and accepting any responsibility for your treatment of your husband....you can get on the podium and judge and and not deal with YOUR issues.

he could have left you years ago and didnt. All this did was expose the giant gaping hole in your marriage that you helped dig. get over yourself.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

x598 said:


> something really rubs me raw with the OP's post. I am going to going against popular opinion here.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I agree. Desperate men do desperate things. My guess is she’s still not ****ing him either. She wants things to change but only on her terms. If celibacy isn’t an option then what are you going to do OP?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Ultimatum time!

Either he enthusiastically embraces joint marriage counseling with you or you embrace seeing a good family lawyer to explore your legal rights and to start the divorce filing process!*


----------

