# Passive aggressive in-laws



## darshanice (Jun 5, 2013)

My husbands parents have always never liked me but they will never come out and say it, however confronted my father in-law about his behavior he told me what he thought. He said he believe i'm cold uncaring, and selfish. He went on to say that he didn't understand why his son wants to be with me and finished it off by saying he feels resentment when ever we're all together. That was roughly four months ago. Two months ago we moved to a new state and city for a fresh start. My in laws are in town for the weekend I haven't spoken to them since that "talk". I can still see the expression on his face and hear every word. My in-laws and husband seem to have forgotten but I will never forget. Before that talk I never thought they hated me I just thought we had nothing in common. I mean I'm a twelve something and they're in they mid 60s. I was such a fool to not see the signs. I mean in three years I have never been invited to family lunch or holidays. They never talk to me directly they always to to me through him. Hearing that stuff hurt but it opened my eyes to their true feels. Today they seemed surprised, but indifferent that I didn't want to go out to dinner with them. I can't see myself acting like a family knowing how they really feel. However I don't want my husband to feel like he's in the middle. What should I do?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Don't bury this "talk" they had with you. Confront them. Tell them EXACTLY why you don't want to go to dinner with them. Ask them WHY they said what they said, and exactly HOW you are supposed to FORGET it.

You don't need to have a great relationship with your in-laws to have a happy marriage, although it DOES help. Bottom line, your husband needs to be on YOUR side, defending YOU, not THEM.

Don't p*ssy-foot around with this. Tell everyone exactly how you feel and why. Especially your husband. You are not married to THEM; you are married to HIM. He needs to have your back.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you been married?

How old are you and your husband?



darshanice said:


> My husbands parents have always never liked me but they will never come out and say it, however confronted my father in-law about his behavior he told me what he thought. He said he believe i'm cold uncaring, and selfish. He went on to say that he didn't understand why his son wants to be with me and finished it off by saying he feels resentment when ever we're all together. That was roughly four months ago. Two months ago we moved to a new state and city for a fresh start. My in laws are in town for the weekend I haven't spoken to them since that "talk". I can still see the expression on his face and hear every word. My in-laws and husband seem to have forgotten but I will never forget. Before that talk I never thought they hated me I just thought we had nothing in common.


Be careful what you ask for, you might get it. You asked for too much information. 



darshanice said:


> I mean I'm a twelve something and they're in they mid 60s.


What does “I’m twelve something” mean?
And what does it have to do with their age?



darshanice said:


> I was such a fool to not see the signs. I mean in three years I have never been invited to family lunch or holidays. They never talk to me directly they always to to me through him. Hearing that stuff hurt but it opened my eyes to their true feels. Today they seemed surprised, but indifferent that I didn't want to go out to dinner with them. I can't see myself acting like a family knowing how they really feel. However I don't want my husband to feel like he's in the middle. What should I do?


Well you could go with your husband just as support for him. Or you can do what you are doing. 

Did your husband remind his parents of what his father said to you?

There is no rule that his parents have to like you. Generally the rule is that people need to just treat each other civilly if they don’t like each other.


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## darshanice (Jun 5, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> Don't bury this "talk" they had with you. Confront them. Tell them EXACTLY why you don't want to go to dinner with them. Ask them WHY they said what they said, and exactly HOW you are supposed to FORGET it.
> 
> You don't need to have a great relationship with your in-laws to have a happy marriage, although it DOES help. Bottom line, your husband needs to be on YOUR side, defending YOU, not THEM.
> 
> Don't p*ssy-foot around with this. Tell everyone exactly how you feel and why. Especially your husband. You are not married to THEM; you are married to HIM. He needs to have your back.


The thing is I thought everything was fine. Like I know I don't have to love the in laws. I was always nice and respectful towards them. But when that happened it made me feel like all this time your guys didn't like me. You would smile in my face and act like everything was fair. Then you would talk about how I'm not a good addition to the family. Because we never had a bad exchange. I mean it wasn't like we were buddy's, but nothing was wrong, no one was rude or hurtful. It was just a casual hi and bye exchange between us. I have no idea were that stuff came from. And that's whats bothering me. Its like they decide on their own that I was the biggest B*tch in the world.


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## darshanice (Jun 5, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> How long have you been married?
> 
> How old are you and your husband?
> 
> ...


I mentioned the age because before the talk, in my eyes that was why we were not really connecting. I assumed they didn't talk to me because we had nothing in common.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

darshanice said:


> I mean I'm a twelve something and they're in they mid 60s.


What did you mean you are a "12 something"? Was that a typo?

You can't be married at 12 years of age. At least not in most countries.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You confronted and were told the truth. Granted, it's a heavy truth but that's why you shouldn't ask questions you aren't ready to hear the answer to. He could have been more tactful about it but he wasn't. Now you have to decide whether to ignore them forever or try to straighten things out and go forward. It's up to you.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Have you spoken to your husband about how you feel? Your husband should be supporting you in this. If you have done no wrong to your husband, HE should confront his parents WITH you to try and resolve it. You shouldn't be alone in this.


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## Granada (Jul 24, 2014)

I have to agree with the previous posters. Don't ask questions you're not ready to hear the answers to. You are your husband's choice, his family doesn't HAVE to like you, although it's nice when everyone gets along. 

Learn to play smart. Putting your husband in the middle of this mess is just going to backfire on you in the long run. Your husband will respect and appreciate you more if you go along and be civil to them, especially when he realizes that they aren't treating his wife as well as they should. Besides, it's possible that looking at your mature, sensible attitude, your in-laws may come to change their opinion of you, they'll get to know you better and perhaps come to like or even love you. Even if they don't change, you can hold your head high knowing that your behavior was beyond reproach.

Do the right thing. Put your relationships, not your ego, first.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Openminded said:


> You confronted and were told the truth. Granted, it's a heavy truth but that's why you shouldn't ask questions you aren't ready to hear the answer to.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I often respond to TAM posters by saying, "If you don't like the answers, don't ask the questions."

Okay, they don't like you. So be the bigger person. Treat them with respect.

In fact, if you REALLY want to drive them nuts, kill them with kindness.

You would be absolutely amazed at how you can neutralize an enemy with shows of kindness. Trust me. It really works.

Love your enemies. They won't know what to do and will end up looking like a$$es.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

Your husband should step up and put a stop to it. I had a similar situation with my family and wife years ago. They need to know that you are a package deal and if they treat you poorly - they lose your husband.

Your husband shouldn't be in the middle - he should clearly on your side.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

darshanice said:


> The thing is I thought everything was fine. Like I know I don't have to love the in laws. I was always nice and respectful towards them. But when that happened it made me feel like all this time your guys didn't like me. You would smile in my face and act like everything was fair. Then you would talk about how I'm not a good addition to the family. Because we never had a bad exchange. I mean it wasn't like we were buddy's, but nothing was wrong, no one was rude or hurtful. It was just a casual hi and bye exchange between us. I have no idea were that stuff came from. And that's whats bothering me. Its like they decide on their own that I was the biggest B*tch in the world.


If you thought that everything was fine, why did you ask your FIL what he thought of you?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

My MIL did not like me when I married her son because we did not have a big CATHOLIC wedding. 

My husband and I decided to marry at city hall and buy a house instead. We were not religious. 

I can't please everyone so I just act like myself. After a few years she liked me very much.

You should talk with them. Tell them you want a peaceful relationship and you will do your part but you will not compromise the person you are.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I'm guessing you might take a while to warm to people. What you may consider polite, they might consider cold. They obviously expected you to make a much greater effort to get to know them initially and were very put off by your distance.

Your FIL seems quick to judge, and harsh when he takes a dislike to someone. The only way for him to change his mind about you is through interacting with you in some way.

Understandably you wouldn't feel comfortable around them now. You would feel that it would be opening yourself up to more hurt and humiliation. I certainly wouldn't want to. Give yourself time. You don't have to jump back into it yet.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *darshanice said*: My husbands parents have always never liked me but they will never come out and say it, however confronted my father in-law about his behavior* he told me what he thought. He said he believe i'm cold uncaring, and selfish. He went on to say that he didn't understand why his son wants to be with me and finished it off by saying he feels resentment when ever we're all together.*


the Father in Law feels *resentment* when you ALL get together ?? For the life of me, can you explain WHY he might have said these awful things to you.. DID you and your H have some difficulties in the past & he shared his problems with his parents, have you been disrespectful to your H in their presence.. I just can't imagine anyone saying THIS without some reason.. Unless they are Psycho critical on EVERYONE, tactless and no one else would like them either [email protected]#$

Can you pin point ANYTHING that could give him THIS impression of you? just trying to understand..

And also.. I assume you shared what your FIL said to you - with your Husband.. what was HIS reaction.. has HE talked to his parents about it? I do feel , if this is utterly unfounded, your husband should be OUTRAGED by this.. and say something to his parents ! If you & him are Kosher.. then you need to face life together head on...

If you have given off "distance" vibes before them..(maybe it takes you a while to warm up to people , you are introverted , don't  much) yet this is really NOT your personality, they just ASSUME ,and have not given you the benefit of the doubt.. then by all means.. I feel you need to push through this.. if you love your husband.. and allow for them to see this other side.. though this will take courage on your behalf.. because anyone would be greatly hurt to hear comments LIKE THAT.. Oh my! I feel it would be easier to handle if there was actually some truth to it.. to be honest.. then you have something to work on.. and show you are a good woman -and adore their son.. 

I learned just last year something at Christmas time I never knew.. my H's sister didn't like me all too well when we started dating, I could feel it, but didn't really know why, she didn't like many people so I didn't think much of it, like -"well, that's just how she is , why take it personally".. so anyway.. here she seen me wearing a







necklace one day.. and she assumed I was bad news, that I was a pot smoker and going to corrupt her brother.. I laughed so darn hard hearing this.. Really [email protected]#$ ...Heck it was me who got him to quit smoking ! Although I did try pot once.. she completely miss judged me.. as time went on.. she realized I wasn't a bad influence on him.. ha ha 

But who knew!

How long have you been with your husband - meaning been around his family ? People can get the wrong impressions.. and it just takes TIME for the real person to emerge... 



Granada said:


> I have to agree with the previous posters. Don't ask questions you're not ready to hear the answers to. You are your husband's choice, his family doesn't HAVE to like you, although it's nice when everyone gets along.
> 
> *Learn to play smart. Putting your husband in the middle of this mess is just going to backfire on you in the long run. Your husband will respect and appreciate you more if you go along and be civil to them, especially when he realizes that they aren't treating his wife as well as they should. Besides, it's possible that looking at your mature, sensible attitude, your in-laws may come to change their opinion of you, they'll get to know you better and perhaps come to like or even love you. Even if they don't change, you can hold your head high knowing that your behavior was beyond reproach.*
> 
> Do the right thing. Put your relationships, not your ego, first.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If your husband doesn't know about the talk you and your FIL had, you should tell him.

IMO your husband should then inform his family that your his wife and they will treat you with the respect you deserve.

The last thing you want to do is get as low as them. Maybe they have no manners but that doesn't mean that you should give your manners up.

Remember what the Godfather said. "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer" or in this case you in laws.


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