# Help from those with success!



## Mom2DecBoyz

Does anyone else not have a thing in common with their spouse anymore?

We've been married for 10yrs and I don't think we had much in common before, but lately it's been horribly obvious. We don't like the same tv shows, activities, books, we don't even like to talk about the same things. Honestly, there is NOTHING we have in common but our kids.

I do love him and wish it could work, but I'm starting to have serious doubts. I'm only 41 and keep thinking about the next 20-30 yrs with nothing to even talk about except our kids or what the next vacation might be.

Is it possible to keep a marriage going with this situation?? Any advice on what to do to fix the problem?


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## Trenton

Mom2DecBoyz said:


> Does anyone else not have a thing in common with their spouse anymore?
> 
> We've been married for 10yrs and I don't think we had much in common before, but lately it's been horribly obvious. We don't like the same tv shows, activities, books, we don't even like to talk about the same things. Honestly, there is NOTHING we have in common but our kids.
> 
> I do love him and wish it could work, but I'm starting to have serious doubts. I'm only 41 and keep thinking about the next 20-30 yrs with nothing to even talk about except our kids or what the next vacation might be.
> 
> Is it possible to keep a marriage going with this situation?? Any advice on what to do to fix the problem?


If you've never had anything in common what brought you together? Figure that out and you'll find out what you had in common.

Another possibility is to try to find new things that you do have in common. Is he willing to explore this? Try going out of your norm comfortability for both and experiment with ideas. It's possible that there are many things you have in common but neither have dared venture there.

Also, I think many feel like you. I feel like you somewhat. I'm 36 and when there's even a little unhappiness in a relationship and you're reaching or at middle age I think it is normal to take stock in what you have and look around to see if there are greener pastures.


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## Threetimesalady

What did you do before marriage?...You must have had some common ground that you shared that you both enjoyed....I always wonder why people think once they marry that everything will work out...We really don't like the same programs and a lot of the same food...Yet these are minor things...We love traveling, sports and love to make love...I am to him all that I ever was as he is to me....I guess this is part of our common enjoyment...


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## LonelyNLost

This is so hard, but please know that you are at a very common juncture in your marriage. You need to rediscover why you fell in love. Figure out how to show love for the other in their love language. You need different things, but it doesn't mean that you are different people than the ones who married 10 years ago. Life puts a strain, and it's up to you to pull back together. Create new interests together, get away. Make it a rule to spend a certain amount of time together without talking about the kids or jobs or bills.


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## Advocado

You say you have nothing in common and mention things like TV and books but I'm wondering if you share common values and principles, life goals etc. If you do, I think you can survive not liking the same shows, sports etc and may well get over this glitch.


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## ChrisInNOVA

You had something in common when you got married. You were compatible. Like many couples you have not worked to maintain your compatibility.

Why not seek ways to do that?


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## Mom6547

My DH and I had little in common at first, but that was largely because I was boring. I branched into things he liked, and we both tried new things. Now we have things we do together and things we are different on. I will never be as into weight lifting as he, for example. And he will never be into dance at all. But we overlap on a lot of outdoor activities. We watch a lot of movies. No tv.

Could you try new things together? Maybe make a game out of it. You each put some activities on a folded index card. At the next free time slot, you pick one out of a hat and do it?

Just a thought.


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## OhGeesh

Everyone is different. My wife and I don't have the same interests I just love to be with her and her me. We've been married for 13 and together for over 18 and still say "I just want to be with you it doesn't matter what we do".

Watching HGTV, Food Network, is fine as is going out for dinner or drinks. Our common interest is each other. Like you at this stage in the game with 3 kids most of our free time is focused on them. Our breaks we treasure and they are our own usually just getting to watch a movie, drink some wine, and of course have sex.....until they get older we just don't have as many date nights anymore.

Hope you guys find something


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## goldie623

We have been married now 31 years. All of our children are college educated and in graduate school, and we are happier than ever. I would suggest two things both depending on the severity of your situation.

#1: is a book, His needs Her needs by WILLARD HARTLEY. Excellent book. He is a counselor and in his practice through seeing thousands of couples identified the 5 most common things men need, the 5 most common things women need. 
Amazon.com: His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage (9780800719388): Willard F. Jr. Harley: Books

The book is OUTSTANDING. It really opens your eyes men and (women) about what your partner needs. You cant provide it if you dont know what it is. 

The second thing if your marriage is going bad, but this is a WONDERFUL program for any marriage. It is called Retrovaille. It is sponsored by the Catholic church but is really non-denominational. They teach you HOW to communicate. 

Marriage help program for couples.

I am not preaching, we have read the book and we have gone to Retrovaille. I can say that we have grown tremendously from both. I care about every marriage, and believe it is the foundation of our society--families are that is. Your marriage can be successful if you give it a chance. Be patient and get the book immediately. If you cannot afford it, go to the library. If you still cant, PM me and I will loan you my copy. Retrovaille asks for a donation. IF you cannot afford it, they will let you go anyway. 

If you have questions, ask away. I can't wait to celebrate my 50th. Only 19 short years away! MS


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## saralee123

I just celebrated our 27th anniversary, and I would say things are so much better now than 10 years ago. When we were so busy raising the kids, our relationship fell to the wayside. We decided to do something about it. I am sure almost all marriages could use some professional advice. I have heard good things about Retrovaille also, but we found great help from a book called Divorce Busting, and then worked with one of the coaches at the Divorce Busting Center. What insights and techniques we learned to both get what we needed in the marriage! Now that the kids have moved out and on to college etc., we still have each other. What a gift!


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## LGSL

I kinda wish this were our only issue!  Not to sound mean, just that it really could be worse. I think it's fixable and if you have other foundational stuff working - respect, trust, etc. Why throw it away when "boredom" is something you can fix by creating some common interests together?


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## Rough Patch Sewing

Please do not take this as an accusation, but is your husband upset about the lack of things you share in common.

That is a sincere question. If he is fine with the place your marriage is at then perhaps you may need to just try to find interest in what he likes. Every engaging activity has a lot of nuances that can be shared. Perhaps he will try to like some of the things that you like if take the lead and ask him to tell you about his interests. You do not have to make it your new favorite activity, but you can show interest and listen to him just because he is excited about it.

My wife thinks that I am crazy, literally crazy to think about and do some of the things that I enjoy or are of interest to me, but she bares with me and listens. When she does, oh man, do I feel great about life and who I am as a person.

A little bit of sacrifice can have a huge impact in your marriage.


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## BigToe

I agree with saralee123. My wife and I have been exclusive partners nearly 30 years and things are definitely better NOW than I remember them at our 10 year anniversary.

You have ten years together and it is worth staying in a committed relationship if "not having anything in common" is your only real issue.

Don't sweat the small stuff. Having the same taste in music, movies, tv shows, and books just means you are both "unique" and being different is likely what attracted you together in the first place. Consider "valuing" those differences rather than looking at them as a detriment. What's important is that you both love each other, respect each other, and communicate with each other openly and honestly.


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