# ex W remarried and immediately told my son he now has two daddies



## Lon

I'm infuriated, but she doesn't know it yet. On Monday she remarried, the new husband has been in her, and my 6 year old son's life, for the past couple years. I respect the guy for the kindness and love he has shown my son, but at times I have felt like my role has been tread upon. I made it clear early on to him that I am an involved father and that my son doesn't need a replacement daddy, and that I'd respect his role as a stepfather in my son's life if he respected mine as his father, and it seemed that for the most part up until now we were in agreement.

This is my week for custody but she wanted him to be part of the ceremony and wedding to which I consented. Yesterday when communicating with her about what time I am picking him up I asked how he was coping with everything, she replied that he has been very good, enjoyed the wedding had fun in limo, and then she told me that she told him "now you have two daddies". She seemed to think this was not only an acceptable thing to say but that I would like hearing this. I do not. I went silent and basically said nothing only that I would pick him up at the time we discussed.

I did not react because I have to choose how, I will have my son today and for the next three weeks as she is going on her honeymoon. I plan to tell her that I have no intention of sharing the title "Dad" with any other man, I have always been my son's dad and always will be. I'm not worried about him having a stepfather too and have no intention of cutting the guy down, but I am concerned because she is dismissing the importance of my son's relationship with me.

I don't know when I should bring this up, right now vs in three weeks when they have custody again. How would other divorced dads on here handle this?


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## IndyTMI

My guess is that your son will still see you as his only father and his step-dad as just that. My guess is that he won't feel comfortable calling his step-dad, "Dad". 
I know my step-son still called me by my first name and I didn't force him to call me anything different. I think you should only be concerned if they are forcing your son to call the step-father something specifically different than how he addressed him before.
Forget about how your ex sees it...it is only important how your son sees it.
Have a little talk with your son and let him know how much you love him and that you are and always be his father.


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## Lon

IndyTMI said:


> My guess is that your son will still see you as his only father and his step-dad as just that. My guess is that he won't feel comfortable calling his step-dad, "Dad".
> I know my step-son still called me by my first name and I didn't force him to call me anything different. I think you should only be concerned if they are forcing your son to call the step-father something specifically different than how he addressed him before.
> Forget about how your ex sees it...it is only important how your son sees it.
> Have a little talk with your son and let him know how much you love him and that you are and always be his father.


That was my initial inclination, pretty much exactly - I will let my son define how he wants to classify his own relationships, and I will talk with him about this, I know that nothing anyone else does diminishes my own relationship with him. However it was the fact that as soon as my ex remarried then told my son he now suddenly has 2 dads that ruffled my feathers. The only reason I feel I need to confront on this is because if I don't then I suspect she may be specifically having him to call her new H "Dad".

Thanks for the relpy Indy


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## LongWalk

He probably won't call the guy dad. He cannot replace you


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## EnjoliWoman

He is young and their relationship could evolve to a close one and it is nice that you think he's an OK guy... But I would want to tell your ex in a very nice way that you were a bit put-out by that comment and that you don't want your son to call him Dad and suggest that you guys all chat with son to come up with a good name for her new husband. 

Should he call this man by his first name, etc.? What does he call him now? If you are "Dad" could he call the man "Dad 2" (I have a friend who does this) or a slang amusing endearment like "Pop" or a combination of "Dad [name]" i.e. Bob Dad/Dad Bob? Or initials like D2 or some such easier to swallow abbreviation? 

I think your son needs to choose something comfortable for him that isn't hurtful to you and at 6 he'll need some guidance from both parents to come up with a suitable way to address the man.


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## WayUpNorth

My XW remarried 3 months after everything was final. Her new hubby and her want the grand kids to call him grandpa. (my grand kids were in grade school then) They won't, and think it's weird.


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## Hope1964

Your ex was WAY out of line to do that. My kids were older when I remarried, and their dad wasn't even in their life any more, but still there is NO way I would have told them they had two dads.

My kids call their stepdad by his first name, and refer to him as their stepdad, not their dad.

At 6 years old, he is definitely old enough to make his own choice of what to call his step dad, and your ex should most definitely NOT be telling him he has to call him dad.


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## Lon

EnjoliWoman said:


> He is young and their relationship could evolve to a close one and it is nice that you think he's an OK guy... But I would want to tell your ex in a very nice way that you were a bit put-out by that comment and that you don't want your son to call him Dad and suggest that you guys all chat with son to come up with a good name for her new husband.
> 
> Should he call this man by his first name, etc.? What does he call him now? If you are "Dad" could he call the man "Dad 2" (I have a friend who does this) or a slang amusing endearment like "Pop" or a combination of "Dad [name]" i.e. Bob Dad/Dad Bob? Or initials like D2 or some such easier to swallow abbreviation?
> 
> I think your son needs to choose something comfortable for him that isn't hurtful to you and at 6 he'll need some guidance from both parents to come up with a suitable way to address the man.


This is what I'm thinking too, but not sure yet how to approach her on this... atleast with not getting all angry about it.

My room-mate and good friend whom is also divorced actually put a clause into his separation agreement that ensured none of his ex W's partners were ever allowed to be called dad, daddy or father by his daughter.


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## Lon

WayUpNorth said:


> My XW remarried 3 months after everything was final. Her new hubby and her want the grand kids to call him grandpa. (my grand kids were in grade school then) They won't, and think it's weird.


My great grandmother's second husband (whom she married before I was even born) was called Geoff, never great-grandpa, nor grandpa nor dad. He married her not to appropriate her descendants, but because he loved her and wanted her as his wife.


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## Lon

Hope1964 said:


> Your ex was WAY out of line to do that. My kids were older when I remarried, and their dad wasn't even in their life any more, but still there is NO way I would have told them they had two dads.
> 
> My kids call their stepdad by his first name, and refer to him as their stepdad, not their dad.
> 
> At 6 years old, he is definitely old enough to make his own choice of what to call his step dad, and your ex should most definitely NOT be telling him he has to call him dad.


Thanks for your comment Hope, it helps me see clearly that I am not out of line for feeling defensive and protective on this. If I was not in my son's life, well then I would hope this man would want to be his dad. But I am a huge part of my son's life and his one and only dad. I will protect that claim with everything I have because it is the most important title to me in the world.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I really doubt your son at age 6 is going to go from calling this guy whatever he's been calling him all along, to calling him Dad, because the name Dad already belongs to someone. Especially after a couple years. That would be weird. He would resist.


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## Lon

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I really doubt your son at age 6 is going to go from calling this guy whatever he's been calling him all along, to calling him Dad, because the name Dad already belongs to someone. Especially after a couple years. That would be weird. He would resist.


well, to add another possible variable into the equation... there have been a few times (about 4 or 5 times in the past year) where I have heard my son refer to the other man as dad already usually when referring to them as a couple ie. "mom and dad". He usually corrects himself, but when he does he gets quiet and appears awkward (and I have suspected many times that he has been told to not share this information with me).

But on the same token, he has sometimes called me the other man's name by mistake, and even sometimes calls me "mom" then laughs and corrects himself.

So part of this is just the way he adjusts between homes. My worry comes from the idea that knowing my ex, considering they just formalized the marriage that it may now be somehow appropriate for him to take on this new title of dad also. Really not much has actually changed, expect possibly in my ex's head.


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## Holland

OK this would make my head spin off my body and I am a reasonably calm person.

Not going to tell you what to do, this is yours to sort out but from my POV if it happened to me I would put an immediate stop to it. Go to mediation, talk to the ex (without kids around), anything and everything it took to stop this. It is not in the best interests of the child to tell them they have 2 dads or mums. 

The relationship of the Step Parent can be a good one, I had 2 great Step Parents but no one ever replaced the parent. There are boundaries that any reasonable adult should be able to follow. IMHO the SP is there as a bonus adult, part of the support network but they are not the parent. 
I would never discipline my partners children and he would not do that with mine, we have had many discussions around the boundaries and what we believe is best for all the kids. 

Lon I think this is just so wrong. If it has come from a place of thoughtlessness it is wrong, if is has come from a place of being vindictive then it is doubly wrong. I hope you can find a way to make a stand on this, do not let anyone walk over you with this, you are the one and only dad.


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## Ceegee

My kids are older than yours.

I was just imagining my XW telling my kids to call a new husband dad and started laughing. No way in hell they would do that. 

At 6, though? I think it's cruel of your XW to ask this of him.

I see no reason for this that takes S6's feelings into consideration. 

Selfish.


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## Lon

*Re: Re: ex W remarried and immediately told my son he now has two daddies*



Holland said:


> OK this would make my head spin off my body and I am a reasonably calm person.
> 
> Not going to tell you what to do, this is yours to sort out but from my POV if it happened to me I would put an immediate stop to it. Go to mediation, talk to the ex (without kids around), anything and everything it took to stop this. It is not in the best interests of the child to tell them they have 2 dads or mums.
> 
> The relationship of the Step Parent can be a good one, I had 2 great Step Parents but no one ever replaced the parent. There are boundaries that any reasonable adult should be able to follow. IMHO the SP is there as a bonus adult, part of the support network but they are not the parent.
> I would never discipline my partners children and he would not do that with mine, we have had many discussions around the boundaries and what we believe is best for all the kids.
> 
> Lon I think this is just so wrong. If it has come from a place of thoughtlessness it is wrong, if is has come from a place of being vindictive then it is doubly wrong. I hope you can find a way to make a stand on this, do not let anyone walk over you with this, you are the one and only dad.


I think it is mostly coming from a place of thoughtlessness and partly due to a delusional fantasy that her life is. I plan to address this with her head on, and with him too if necessary, and if it escalates i will make a stand.

Thanks to everyone for the replies thus far, i appreciate your opinions and they help clarify this for me.


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## TheGoodGuy

Lon, I agree with everyone here that your child should not be manipulated into having "two dads" or calling another man "dad".

I'll share my side of things. I met my ex when my SS14 was not quite 3. We married when he was 4. My ex had primary custody of him the entire time we were married, so he was with us 80-90% of the time. His dad was/is a good dad, paid child support, and for the most part utilized his visitation. We never said anything to SS14 about him not being his dad, about me being a replacement dad, or that he had two dads. However since he was so young, after we got married he started calling me dad. In many ways I was his dad, ie: I worked, put food on the table, treated him as my own (praise, discipline and all). I never forced it. I didn't ask for it. But for all intents and purposes he was my son too, and I love him like he was mine. 

So although he called me dad, he would refer to me as "my step-dad" when talking to other people, and refer to his dad as "my dad". That didn't bother me at all. I always said that I had two kids, unless people knew that his last name was different than mine, then I would refer to him as my step-son. But whatever our names were, we treated each other like father and son when at home. 

Let me add though, that his dad and I got along pretty well. If there were big decisions to make regarding SS14, we would sit down and talk about it, or at least talk on the phone every now and then. In fact most times I would talk with him instead of Ex, because I have a rational head on my shoulders. 

Anyway, just a slightly different viewpoint. Calling two people dad isn't the end of the world if the child isn't manipulated/coerced/forced unnaturally, and if your situation works to have two fatherly figures in their life. I'm sure it doesn't work like my situation for a lot of folks as well.


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## Lon

*Re: Re: ex W remarried and immediately told my son he now has two daddies*



TheGoodGuy said:


> Lon, I agree with everyone here that your child should not be manipulated into having "two dads" or calling another man "dad".
> 
> I'll share my side of things. I met my ex when my SS14 was not quite 3. We married when he was 4. My ex had primary custody of him the entire time we were married, so he was with us 80-90% of the time. His dad was/is a good dad, paid child support, and for the most part utilized his visitation. We never said anything to SS14 about him not being his dad, about me being a replacement dad, or that he had two dads. However since he was so young, after we got married he started calling me dad. In many ways I was his dad, ie: I worked, put food on the table, treated him as my own (praise, discipline and all). I never forced it. I didn't ask for it. But for all intents and purposes he was my son too, and I love him like he was mine.
> 
> So although he called me dad, he would refer to me as "my step-dad" when talking to other people, and refer to his dad as "my dad". That didn't bother me at all. I always said that I had two kids, unless people knew that his last name was different than mine, then I would refer to him as my step-son. But whatever our names were, we treated each other like father and son when at home.
> 
> Let me add though, that his dad and I got along pretty well. If there were big decisions to make regarding SS14, we would sit down and talk about it, or at least talk on the phone every now and then. In fact most times I would talk with him instead of Ex, because I have a rational head on my shoulders.
> 
> Anyway, just a slightly different viewpoint. Calling two people dad isn't the end of the world if the child isn't manipulated/coerced/forced unnaturally, and if your situation works to have two fatherly figures in their life. I'm sure it doesn't work like my situation for a lot of folks as well.


I do not disagree with your perspective at all, but the big difference is that I am not a part time dad in biology only. I am the provider for my son when he is with me, and his mom is supposed to be when he is with her. I pay child support to enable her to do so (even though it is a 50-50 parenting schedule). And i have made sacrifices in career opportunities in order to live with my choice to not be just a money provider but to be an active father in all aspects of the job. This other man, while i respect that he will be a figure of authority in my child's home and will hopefully continue to show him love and respect is not a custodial parent, doesn't have the responsibility of making choices concerning education or health matters and has no legal responsibility to financially support him. He is a not his dad, he can be the stepdad, when he is expressing an interest in taking on MY role it is putting even more distance between me and my son than his mother has already put there.


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## Ceegee

Lon said:


> I do not disagree with your perspective at all, but the big difference is that I am not a part time dad in biology only. I am the provider for my son when he is with me, and his mom is supposed to be when he is with her. I pay child support to enable her to do so (even though it is a 50-50 parenting schedule). And i have made sacrifices in career opportunities in order to live with my choice to not be just a money provider but to be an active father in all aspects of the job. This other man, while i respect that he will be a figure of authority in my child's home and will hopefully continue to show him love and respect is not a custodial parent, doesn't have the responsibility of making choices concerning education or health matters and has no legal responsibility to financially support him. He is a not his dad, he can be the stepdad, when he is expressing an interest in taking on MY role it is putting even more distance between me and my son than his mother has already put there.



You are not ok with it and you have every right to say so.


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## Deejo

Tough call.
Ask your son what he wants to call him. What has he been calling him? 

At the end of the day, if your ex doesn't respect you, and is a spiteful b*tch, you'll have to decide. I do think it's worth mentioning to your ex, but it may not require a lot of posturing.

"Son told me that you said he now has 2 dads. I appreciate that X loves our son, but I'd also appreciate if you don't encourage him to call X 'dad'."

See where things go from there.

I know of several blended families where the kids refer to both parents as mom and dad. Part of me can see it as a testament to the kids feeling grounded and safe with the family dynamic overall. Usually in those cases, I also know that the kids asked the question.

Have to say, I don't know how I'd respond to this myself. I definitely would NOT be a fan, if ex was encouraging the kids to call her partner/husband, 'dad'. But I also know she wouldn't. Hell I don't think she would change her last name, because she doesn't want it to be different than her children. 

My ex is actually going to be moving in with her boyfriend in about 2 weeks. I'm truly happy for them. I realize how odd that may sound on this board, but we've really both balanced our relationship and moved on from the divorce. He has young kids too. I can understand from a family dynamic perspective it may feel odd that some kids use dad, and the other kids say 'Billy-Ray-Bob' (not his real name).


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## angelpixie

Lon, imo, if you want to let your ex know how you feel, do it right now when things are fresh. It might not make a difference, but it's better than taking a wait-and-see approach and then trying to play catch-up later. 

Your son is still at an age when he wants to please people...and not hurt people. It's quite possible that he'll feel an emotional pressure to acquiesce to his mom if she asks him to call the new guy 'Dad.' He'll think it's something he's supposed to do. It won't be to hurt you or to diminish you in any way. But that doesn't mean it won't hurt, or set up a precedent, or allow Ex to mess up the dynamic for the future. 

I've experienced DS accidentally referring to Chinless and Trampire as Dad and Mom, or 'his parents.' He, too, feels terrible after he's done it. Chinless told me that Trampire said she doesn't want to be a step-mom, and never wants kids of her own. But Chinless has very much made her DS' de facto stepmom. When I want to request a schedule change, _they_ decide it together, as an example. I can't stop Chinless from being influenced by her. She has no legal rights over DS, but she's there and there's nothing I can do about it. Stand your ground. Otherwise, you'll end up feeling like I often do lately: Like it's an open-adoption situation, and I'm the persistent 'birth mother' who's pushing my right to be involved and they are gritting their teeth and allowing it, but wishing I would go away. 

I guess in the end, what I'm trying to say is...even if you 'win' as far as what DS calls him, you'll need to be on your toes after that, too, since she sounds as thoughtless as Chinless.


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## TheGoodGuy

Lon said:


> I do not disagree with your perspective at all, but the big difference is that I am not a part time dad in biology only. I am the provider for my son when he is with me, and his mom is supposed to be when he is with her. I pay child support to enable her to do so (even though it is a 50-50 parenting schedule). And i have made sacrifices in career opportunities in order to live with my choice to not be just a money provider but to be an active father in all aspects of the job. This other man, while i respect that he will be a figure of authority in my child's home and will hopefully continue to show him love and respect is not a custodial parent, doesn't have the responsibility of making choices concerning education or health matters and has no legal responsibility to financially support him. He is a not his dad, he can be the stepdad, when he is expressing an interest in taking on MY role it is putting even more distance between me and my son than his mother has already put there.


You are correct, that is a very different dynamic.



Ceegee said:


> You are not ok with it and you have every right to say so.


Yup.:iagree:


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## arbitrator

*Lon: She's a real skank to tell your son something like that! Just have yourself a heart to heart with your son, despite the fact that he's only 6, the next time you have him on visitation and tell him that he'll truly have only one real Dad... and that's you! Then hug him and tell him that you'll always love him!

Trust me! He'll believe you!*


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## Lon

*Re: Re: ex W remarried and immediately told my son he now has two daddies*



angelpixie said:


> Lon, imo, if you want to let your ex know how you feel, do it right now when things are fresh. It might not make a difference, but it's better than taking a wait-and-see approach and then trying to play catch-up later.
> 
> Your son is still at an age when he wants to please people...and not hurt people. It's quite possible that he'll feel an emotional pressure to acquiesce to his mom if she asks him to call the new guy 'Dad.' He'll think it's something he's supposed to do. It won't be to hurt you or to diminish you in any way. But that doesn't mean it won't hurt, or set up a precedent, or allow Ex to mess up the dynamic for the future.
> 
> I've experienced DS accidentally referring to Chinless and Trampire as Dad and Mom, or 'his parents.' He, too, feels terrible after he's done it. Chinless told me that Trampire said she doesn't want to be a step-mom, and never wants kids of her own. But Chinless has very much made her DS' de facto stepmom. When I want to request a schedule change, _they_ decide it together, as an example. I can't stop Chinless from being influenced by her. She has no legal rights over DS, but she's there and there's nothing I can do about it. Stand your ground. Otherwise, you'll end up feeling like I often do lately: Like it's an open-adoption situation, and I'm the persistent 'birth mother' who's pushing my right to be involved and they are gritting their teeth and allowing it, but wishing I would go away.
> 
> I guess in the end, what I'm trying to say is...even if you 'win' as far as what DS calls him, you'll need to be on your toes after that, too, since she sounds as thoughtless as Chinless.


The adoptive parent analogy, i totally get. And it is all just hidden, nothing has been said aloud but i feel like if i don't take some kind of action now it will be even more difficult in the future. I have my son for the next three weeks, and i plan to bring this up with her in person or on the phone before they have him. I can't tell what would be worse, trampire who doesn't really want to be a mother and is doing so begrudgingly, or my ex's guy who wants to be a father and is doing so too enthusiastically. Don't get me wrong, i think the latter is likely better for my son's sake I'm just not willing for that to be at the cost of my parental discretion. The real cause, like you say Angel, is these thoughtless ex's of ours.


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## Pictureless

Lon,

Just my two cents: I was a step-dad in my marriage which has failed. It wasn't the kids fault, but we did argue a lot about them. I wish I knew about TAM back then. Neither I or STBXW had a clue about blended families, boundaries, and roles.

I remember telling the step-kids 3 or 4 times that I wasn't their father and I had no intention of replacing him; kids always listen to your mom or dad. Nice step-dad, right?

Fast forward to MC. Kids HATE their step-parents. They plot to get rid of them and dream of their bio parents remarrying. The MC told my and STBXW that if we allowed the kids (and others) to drive us apart, some day the kids will realize they helped contribute to the destruction of our marriage.

My STBXW's XH remarried, and his wife had her own kids, but their blended family is functioning well because both parents are making an active effort.

What's my point? Here's how it relates to you: I know my STBXW's XH sabotaged my relationship with the kids. It literally occurred overnight. And my STBXW turned out to be spineless. She would let the kids disrespect me and wouldn't take action to correct the behavior. Why? Because she didn't want to lose her kids to the XH. They got into a game and the kids were pawns. I could only take so much corrective action myself before the old "I don't have to listen to you, you're not my father" entered the scene.

Lon, your kids are your kids and they will always love you. ALWAYS. As kids get older, especially boys, they tend to gravitate towards their father. Trust me, your son will not want anything to do with the stepdad during the teen years.

Don't play games and fall for your XW's traps. Be strong and know your kids love you. *Set the example and model what it means to be a mature man: tell your son you love him and ask him to respect his mother and stepdad.*


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## lifeistooshort

Why don't you ask her if when you remarry you can tell your son he has two mommies? Her reaction will tell you a lot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## helolover

Lon said:


> ......and partly due to a delusional fantasy that her life is...



Bingo. She's in fantasy mode. Doesn't mean its your or your son's reality......


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## IronWine29

My older son calls POSOM "Captain Viagra" and will no longer visit my ex's house when he is present. I hope to God my minor son doesn't pick that up.

Seriously, your 6-year-old knows you are his father, it doesn't matter what he calls OM. But it is classless and disrespectful of your ex to tell him to call him "dad." I back you on telling her off about it.


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## 2ntnuf

Resources | Parental Alienation Help

Just in case you need it.


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## Lon

*Re: Re: ex W remarried and immediately told my son he now has two daddies*



2ntnuf said:


> Resources | Parental Alienation Help
> 
> Just in case you need it.


Huh, i hadn't really thought of this as parental alienation, since "a new dad" is being added to the mix, not "taking over". But i sure feel like that at some level it has the affect of discrediting the importance of what i have built with my son.


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## melw74

My younger son was 5 when his dad left. 3 years later i met my now husband, after a short while (4 months) I fell pregnant and he moved in....... My son who is now 15 has ALWAYS called my husband by his name, he only has one dad, and he will always only have one dad, but he will also have 1 stepdad who does still treat him as his own, but would never expect him to call him dad, but to be honest, My husband would have felt a bit uncomfortable if my sons ( i have 3 by my ex) started calling him dad.

I have 2 children with my husband, I can honestly say, He would absolutely hate it if another man was called dad by his children..... Hes a great dad, but my ex is a dad when he wants to be, so my husband is always here for my boys if they need him and will give them anything they need just like he does his own.

My husband does not get on at all with my ex, he hates him, but he knows that he will always be their dad.

She should not have said he has two dads, nor should she even think that your child should be calling this other man Dad.


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## 2ntnuf

Lon said:


> Huh, i hadn't really thought of this as parental alienation, since "a new dad" is being added to the mix, not "taking over". But i sure feel like that at some level it has the affect of discrediting the importance of what i have built with my son.


I've been where you are. I did not handle it well. I think you will handle it better than I did. I'm not diagnosing your problem, but I thought, just as you said, there are many similarities. It cannot hurt to read that or try to learn a little to protect your rights and your son. Good luck. I'm wishing the best for you and your son. He needs his daddy, as much and you need him.


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## Lon

*Re: Re: ex W remarried and immediately told my son he now has two daddies*



Shooboomafoo said:


> Just to come right out and say that to you, shows she still looks to get a reaction out of you. Really pathetic, and mind boggling how demented she is. Your boy is going to know who Dad is, despite saying whatever to please Mommy. He's still stuck with her, and has to please, like my D12 does. I bet she knew exactly how this would affect you, and is as low down as it took to say it.
> Disregard, disconnect.


I honestly don't think she even really regards me as anything than a complication or an annoyance. I think her intent was to slide her remark in as slickly as possible so she can then get on regarding her new partner as my son's dad instead of me. That is the delusion i was referring to in an earlier comment, and ever since the curtain was pulled back during her affair at the start of our separation i am amazed at the lengths her mind can go to in order to feel she is in the reality she wants.

And her disconnect is made into a problem partly because her new H seems all too keen on taking on the role. I think having more people who love and care for a child is better than less, but my fear and suspicion is she is trying to make her family into her fantasy version of what she wanted before starting one with me, she is not fully acknowledging the consequence of her choice to leave and divide our family.

I can't just disregard what said to my son and to me, and i feel until now i have been disconnected. But i am not going to barrage her with my emotions either, just going to tell her it bothered me and that i am formality requesting she not instruct my son to call another man his dad, and hope the conversation remains mutually useful after that.


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## 2ntnuf

It's much easier on the custodial spouse, if they only have to cash a check. It's tough on her to have to deal with you and your son, who likely misses you and doesn't want to call him dad. 

I imagine it's tough on the new spouse, not being able to feel like his father or have the influence that you have. Please try to keep it that way by staying a big part of his life, his fun, his education, and his decisions. 

Perspective is what you need. It's tough to keep that going, unless you are a good sized part of his life. Fight for your rights. Never stop. The rewards will come.


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## Lon

*Re: Re: ex W remarried and immediately told my son he now has two daddies*



2ntnuf said:


> I've been where you are. I did not handle it well. I think you will handle it better than I did. I'm not diagnosing your problem, but I thought, just as you said, there are many similarities. It cannot hurt to read that or try to learn a little to protect your rights and your son. Good luck. I'm wishing the best for you and your son. He needs his daddy, as much and you need him.


He will always have his daddy, not worried about that, just worried if there is toxicity at his other home. I certainly don't think it's abusive there, but i don't know if he has the security to talk about his home life with me when he is not with me. Nor does he ever talk about his life there when he's with me, though when he starts to i certainly don't shut it down or restrict him in any way.


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## 2ntnuf

Ah yes. The parental alienation starts. That is due to your ex, not wanting you to know what she is doing. She doesn't want you to be a part of her life. She does understand, or will, that your presence is a detriment to her new, happy marriage. 

My suggestion is to take some parenting classes or counseling with someone who can guide you through this. I know parenting classes will help. Counseling may be in order for you and your son to find it easier to discuss things with little fear and open up dialogue. He is afraid, or he would discuss things. He doesn't want to lose you or his mother and he doesn't know how to handle that, so he is going with what he is told to do, hoping for the best. 

Remember, he lives under the rules of his parents and must conform to be happy. Counseling is in order for him and you, in my opinion. What you are going through is very similar to what I went through. I only learned about what was going on too late.


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## hereinthemidwest

Sad...Your Son knows who is Dad is. To ease your heart, I would call every night your son wasn't at your home with you. I be a thorn in your ex w house. Without them knowing of course.  I call 2-3 day/night just to hear his voice. And In a couple years buy him a small tablet and face chat nightly. 

Some of my biggest healing moments was sitting at my computer and just reading this forum. You are not alone. Not to be Bible pushing. Hope this brings you comfort. Look up James: Chpter 1 verse 2-4


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## angelpixie

I second HITMW about keeping in touch with your DS when he's not with you. Chinless and I still call DS or have him call the other parent nearly every night, just to say good night and wish him a good day at school the next day. Sometimes the call is only a minute long, but that's actually something we've never fought on from day one. I think it would really mean a lot in your relationship with your DS. Mine was a few months shy of his 9th birthday when I moved out, and I know your DS is even younger.


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## Lon

*Re: Re: ex W remarried and immediately told my son he now has two daddies*



angelpixie said:


> I second HITMW about keeping in touch with your DS when he's not with you. Chinless and I still call DS or have him call the other parent nearly every night, just to say good night and wish him a good day at school the next day. Sometimes the call is only a minute long, but that's actually something we've never fought on from day one. I think it would really mean a lot in your relationship with your DS. Mine was a few months shy of his 9th birthday when I moved out, and I know your DS is even younger.


My son is a lousy talker on the phone, he has no patience for it and usually blurts a goofy sound then runs away. I usually try to phone him once or twice on the weeks he is with his mom, but i think both myself and my ex dislike unsuccessfully running after him with the phone only to have him go silent and refuse to talk.

I like the ipad idea to facetime with him a lot, because he is also getting into some of the game apps and it would be good motivation for him to actually want to talk, but he doesn't own his own yet, and I've been paycheck to paycheck for too long now to be able to get him one.


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## angelpixie

Yes. That's a problem if he doesn't like to talk on the phone. I hope you can get the ipad idea to work. How about skype on a regular computer in the meantime? I know he's pretty young, and that might require help from your ex to set it up, though.


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## Lon

*Re: Re: ex W remarried and immediately told my son he now has two daddies*



angelpixie said:


> Yes. That's a problem if he doesn't like to talk on the phone. I hope you can get the ipad idea to work. How about skype on a regular computer in the meantime? I know he's pretty young, and that might require help from your ex to set it up, though.


My house is going on market very soon and once it sells my finances will become much more managable, i want to get him his own tablet with a data plan so that he can communicate with me no matter where he is. He is starting to get good with technology now so i think it would be a good learning resource for him too.


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## 2ntnuf

This may sound crazy. Is it possible to record yourself on your computer, talking to him in a short video, maybe reading him a short children's story and load it onto some storage device and send it to him in the mail? You can send it return receipt requested for a pretty small fee. I know, it probably won't be long before your house is sold.


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## Lon

*Re: Re: ex W remarried and immediately told my son he now has two daddies*



2ntnuf said:


> This may sound crazy. Is it possible to record yourself on your computer, talking to him in a short video, maybe reading him a short children's story and load it onto some storage device and send it to him in the mail? You can send it return receipt requested for a pretty small fee. I know, it probably won't be long before your house is sold.


Actually I upgraded my phone recently and have my old smartphone that i can use for this purpose. Not the best screen or fastest connection on it but i can set it up to Skype with him and install some kids apps for him. I think this will work!


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## Conrad

Lon said:


> Actually I upgraded my phone recently and have my old smartphone that i can use for this purpose. Not the best screen or fastest connection on it but i can set it up to Skype with him and install some kids apps for him. I think this will work!


It's a fantastic idea.

He'll take to it like a duck to water.


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## hereinthemidwest

Great Idea. Skype! Also record yourself reading childs story. So he can listen to YOUR voice while going to sleep. I know what you mean about the phone. I have a beautiful granddaughter who lives away from me. But I will not let her be raised without knowing ME and that I deeply love her. I even now got her excited to come to the phone. I started mailing here coloring books ect. Cheap stuff from the dollar store. Don't give up on trying to talk to him on the phone. He's small and thats how they learn. PRACTICE MAKES 
PERFECT.


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## Lon

Update: well i confronted her and she actually seemed very understanding of my concern, said that they have never and would never instruct him to call the other man dad, she said that sometimes he calls them "mom and dad" but usually corrects himself right away, and mostly uses the man's first name when addressing him. I am satisfied she told me the truth and i am glad i spoke up with her just so we both have a mutual understanding about this issue. I don't foresee this being a big problem. So thank you all for your words of advice and support!


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## Pictureless

Lon said:


> Update: well i confronted her and she actually seemed very understanding of my concern, said that they have never and would never instruct him to call the other man dad, she said that sometimes he calls them "mom and dad" but usually corrects himself right away, and mostly uses the man's first name when addressing him. I am satisfied she told me the truth and i am glad i spoke up with her just so we both have a mutual understanding about this issue. I don't foresee this being a big problem. So thank you all for your words of advice and support!


That's showing (modeling) for your son what a *real man* does! I'm proud of you!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Deejo

*Re: Re: ex W remarried and immediately told my son he now has two daddies*



Lon said:


> Update: well i confronted her and she actually seemed very understanding of my concern, said that they have never and would never instruct him to call the other man dad, she said that sometimes he calls them "mom and dad" but usually corrects himself right away, and mostly uses the man's first name when addressing him. I am satisfied she told me the truth and i am glad i spoke up with her just so we both have a mutual understanding about this issue. I don't foresee this being a big problem. So thank you all for your words of advice and support!


I was hoping for this very outcome. Glad for all of you.


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## Lon

*Re: Re: ex W remarried and immediately told my son he now has two daddies*



Pictureless said:


> That's showing (modeling) for your son what a *real man* does! I'm proud of you!!!!!!!!!!!


He wasn't witness to any of this conversation, so it wasn't directly role modeling for him. It was over the phone after his bed time. I'm just glad she was reasonable about this, if she chose to be delusional instead the outcome would be different. I still don't trust that she is not somewhat prone to delusional fantasy from time to time but atleast i feel now that alienating me from my son is not a conscious goal for her.


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## DTO

Lon said:


> I'm infuriated, but she doesn't know it yet. On Monday she remarried, the new husband has been in her, and my 6 year old son's life, for the past couple years. I respect the guy for the kindness and love he has shown my son, but at times I have felt like my role has been tread upon. I made it clear early on to him that I am an involved father and that my son doesn't need a replacement daddy, and that I'd respect his role as a stepfather in my son's life if he respected mine as his father, and it seemed that for the most part up until now we were in agreement.
> 
> This is my week for custody but she wanted him to be part of the ceremony and wedding to which I consented. Yesterday when communicating with her about what time I am picking him up I asked how he was coping with everything, she replied that he has been very good, enjoyed the wedding had fun in limo, and then she told me that she told him "now you have two daddies". She seemed to think this was not only an acceptable thing to say but that I would like hearing this. I do not. I went silent and basically said nothing only that I would pick him up at the time we discussed.
> 
> I did not react because I have to choose how, I will have my son today and for the next three weeks as she is going on her honeymoon. I plan to tell her that I have no intention of sharing the title "Dad" with any other man, I have always been my son's dad and always will be. I'm not worried about him having a stepfather too and have no intention of cutting the guy down, but I am concerned because she is dismissing the importance of my son's relationship with me.
> 
> I don't know when I should bring this up, right now vs in three weeks when they have custody again. How would other divorced dads on here handle this?


I made it clear that I expected my ex's new H to know his place, and I put him in it the one time he tried to talk down to me.

Now he minds his place and won't even look me in the eye. Not the optimal way to go. But, IMO my child only has one dad and nobody has the right to compete with me for that homor.

You need to tell them both that your son has only one dad and that dad is you; If she continues to elevate her new H as your equal, you will haul into court to answer for damaging your relationship with your child.

And this is something you must enforce. There is no good reason for her to be minimizing you in your child's eyes. In fact, I can't think of any reason other than she wants to create some distance between the two of you (unless she's completely oblivious to the impact of her behavior, which seems unlikely).


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