# Afraid of Marriage



## Kaykris (Mar 26, 2012)

I need a guys opinion as I know many men go through the same feeling at one point in their life.

My boyfriend and I are both 27, we've been together for 5 and a bit years. I NEVER bugged him about marriage, rarely spoke of it, but when I hit 27 I freaked out that I'm getting old and all my friends are married and kids and I have been with my partner the longest and we're not even moving forward with the relationship. So I talked to him about marriage, he said and keeps saying "I'm not ready yet".....

5 years with someone and you're not ready??!?!?! He says he wants to marry me, just not now, he said he's give his life for me but he won't marry me. We're already common law which is married!!!!! but he won't propose and have that announcement to our friends and family.

I am TRYING not to push but I can't understand, 5 years and you're not ready...... he keeps saying it's a big decision and he's scared of divorce and he doesn't feel like an adult and marriage is so adult like. I told him that I can't wait much longer for him to figure it out, which is the truth. 

I feel like he's using me by not asking me, or he's lying about something but he WON'T TELL ME!

We live together and have been for 4.5 years. Should I make myself more distant to get it in his head that I'm not going to be waiting forever?

help???? What would prompt you to ask your love to marry you? He has fears of commitments, he wouldn't even be living with me or have his job if I didn't convince him to quit a hell job. He's one of those guys who REALLY hates change.


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## Screenp2 (Dec 4, 2011)

Kaykris said:


> He's one of those guys who REALLY hates change.


Nag a smoker to quit and they'll puff in your face just to piss you off. 

Beg a wife for sex and she'll turn you down. 

Push a man into marriage.. he'll turn tail and run before he admits he wants to. 

It took me 5 yrs to propose to my wife and we didn't have kids to her mid 30's. 

Just because all your friends are married and have kids doesn't mean you have to also..


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He doesn't want to marry you.

Now you have some choices to make. Don't waste more time with someone who "isn't ready". You'll waste another 5 years for you two to break up and he'll be married within a year of it to someone else. happens all the time.

I hate to be blunt but when someone says they aren't ready for marriage, it means they don't want to be married to you.

Sucks, but that's what he's saying. Believe him. And make some choices.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

*Dean* said:


> :iagree:
> 
> 
> If you were my daughter, I would help you get your own place and move out.


If I was her, I'd get some roommates and move out. 

Choices and decisions need to be made. But to stay in this HOPING he'll change is the wrong choice.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Like I said in another comment, my opinion of marriage has changed... but I now understand those people I know who actually wanted to have (and most still have it) a permanent committed relationship without a wedding. At the time I didn't understand, I thought marriage was a critical step to life, now I am much less rigid.

Kay, what is important to you about marriage, The Wedding? The public vows? The tradition? These are all valid but before you decide to end the relationship over his wish to not marry you, understand what exactly it is from marriage you need to make the relationship work... whatever you decide be true to yourself, don't worry about what others are telling you that you "should" do or else you will just regret that later in life. Good luck!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If he isn't into marriage, I doubt he wants kids.

Which is what she wants.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Lon said:


> Like I said in another comment, my opinion of marriage has changed... but I now understand those people I know who actually wanted to have (and most still have it) a permanent committed relationship without a wedding. At the time I didn't understand, I thought marriage was a critical step to life, now I am much less rigid.
> 
> Kay, what is important to you about marriage, The Wedding? The public vows? The tradition? These are all valid but before you decide to end the relationship over his wish to not marry you, understand what exactly it is from marriage you need to make the relationship work... whatever you decide be true to yourself, don't worry about what others are telling you that you "should" do or else you will just regret that later in life. Good luck!


I totally agree with this. What is it about marriage that made you freak out when you weren't married after 5 years? Perhaps your boyfriend had a mother like me - I have been telling my kids for a while now that I think marriage is an outdated institution and people really should just live together. If they want a bigger commitment, make one to each other, have a handfasting ceremony or something but don't do the whole legal thing.

My daughter is 18 and moved in with her boyfriend last month. I have told her over and over and over - DO NOT get married till you are AT LEAST 25. If not older. So if she stays with this guy, they'd have been together for 7 years at that point. If he hadn't asked her to marry him by then, I'd think they were being prudent.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I don't think marriage is outdated at all. I do think marriage should not happen at LEAST until 25, but if she wants to get married, she wants to get married.

that's her choice and if he doesn't, then she shouldn't settle for living with someone.

Despite many of the people on this site, marriage is still important and good for many people.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Dean* said:


> It's simple. Marriage is a commitment to each other.


I don't disagree with you on this, it is a choice of committment... so is going steady, moving in together, buying property together, having children together. There are lots of things that we choose to do that make it complicated to just walk away. Further, marriage is no guarantee that the other will not just walk anyhow.

But I understand marriage is important to many people, I am all for it - it is important to me too (even if I choose not to view it the same way after divorce) I am not taking anything away, just realizing that while my marriage was something I put value in, my relationship would have just as rewarding if I had put equal value into the other choices of committment too.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It was so important to me, that I WAITED until I found the one. I was willing to wait until I was old and gray. 

Never get married because you "think" you should. Get married when you KNOW you can keep your vows.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I don't think marriage is outdated at all. I do think marriage should not happen at LEAST until 25, but if she wants to get married, she wants to get married.
> 
> that's her choice and if he doesn't, then she shouldn't settle for living with someone.
> 
> Despite many of the people on this site, marriage is still important and good for many people.


Sure, but she should try and figure out what his problem is and why he doesn't want to marry her. And she should also try and figure out why NOT being married freaks her out. Is it just the commitment thing? Or is it something else? How others perceive their relationship? I know that's one reason why I got married the first time - I felt pressure from family and others who didn't think it was 'respectable' to just live together, and who didn't take our relationship seriously, just because we didn't have that piece of paper. And because he was the one who took my virginity. None of which, if I had been honest with myself, are good reasons to get married.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

*Dean* said:


> Hope, I know your a good person and mother from reading all your posts.
> 
> Everyone is different but 18 is just a little young to move in with someone.
> 
> ...


Thanks!!  Yeah, 18 is young, but I was only 16. I'm ok with it, even though I would rather she hadn't done it. If she'd moved away to college or something I would probably be even more worried, because she'd be all on her own then. With nobody to watch out for her. 

I wish no one had to get hurt ever


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Sure, but she should try and figure out what his problem is and why he doesn't want to marry her. And she should also try and figure out why NOT being married freaks her out. Is it just the commitment thing? Or is it something else? How others perceive their relationship? I know that's one reason why I got married the first time - I felt pressure from family and others who didn't think it was 'respectable' to just live together, and who didn't take our relationship seriously, just because we didn't have that piece of paper. And because he was the one who took my virginity. None of which, if I had been honest with myself, are good reasons to get married.


Actually, I wouldn't waste my time trying to figure out why.

But that's just me. He made his decision and I'd make mine. And leave.

I've done it before with men who didn't want to commit after dating for a quite a while.

I understand your situation too. My family tried that garbage but helllllls no.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Thanks!!  Yeah, 18 is young, but I was only 16. I'm ok with it, even though I would rather she hadn't done it. If she'd moved away to college or something I would probably be even more worried, because she'd be all on her own then. With nobody to watch out for her.
> 
> I wish no one had to get hurt ever


It's good for her. To make choices and deal with the outcomes, good or bad.

It's young and I wouldn't support my kid in it, but I wouldn't say no...she's grown. I just hope my child doesn't play "wife" until she is one. Been there, done that. Never again. I hope at 18, my girls are in school and enjoying their young adulthood.

But...that's just a mother's wish


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## Kaykris (Mar 26, 2012)

that_girl said:


> If he isn't into marriage, I doubt he wants kids.
> 
> Which is what she wants.


I'm indifferent about kids. He wants kids.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

that_girl said:


> It was so important to me, that I WAITED until I found the one. I was willing to wait until I was old and gray.


Wait, I gotta call you out on this, you are being disengenuous - You are NOT old and gray!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Kaykris said:


> I am TRYING not to push but I can't understand, 5 years and you're not ready...... he keeps saying it's a big decision and he's scared of divorce and *he doesn't feel like an adult and marriage is so adult like.*


So this relationship you currently have is not 'adult-like' according to him? What is it, then? Playing house? 

Do you two talk about the future, manage your finances together, talk about children in your future, discuss buying a home together, future career plans? 

If you aren't having those kinds of conversations, then this relationship isn't heading anywhere. Couples who actually intend to be together forever, discuss all of those things and make plans to realize their dreams together. That kind of stuff is exciting for couples who plan to be together forever.



> I feel like he's using me by not asking me, or he's lying about something but he WON'T TELL ME!


Do you think he "loves you but isn't "in love" with you"? Do you think he might find someone else more compatible or exciting than being with you?

If you feel used, that's the beginning of the end. Something in your gut is telling you that he will leave you if something better comes along...you feel insecure without the marriage commitment. 



> We live together and have been for 4.5 years. Should I make myself more distant to get it in his head that I'm not going to be waiting forever?


Is keeping you in his life a priority? If it is not, then nothing will make him propose. Becoming more distant is just going to make him think he's right not to marry you, only then he will say "you two have relationship problems, you are so distant, and why would he marry someone who is so distant.

I suggest being honest with him. Tell him this arrangement isn't working for you anymore and you will be making plans to move out within a few months. And then move out and move on with your life. Pushing or manipulating him to marry is a bad idea.


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## Kaykris (Mar 26, 2012)

Thanks all for the replies.

I want marriage because it signifies another part in my life, moving to the next level of life, buying a house, settling into careers, building a life on solid foundation.

He honestly DOES want to marry me, he's told me over and over and SHOWS it, he is committed to me 150%, he's the best! But he can't take the plunge, he can't gather some guts and take the plunge. He's the best boyfriend ever, he's smart, committed, loving, responsible, fun. I know he wants to be with me, we've had our ups and real downs and we've managed to work through everything. I'm willing to wait to a degree, but I don't want to also ruin a GREAT relationship on a ring.

See what I mean? Great relationship, but there are differences right now that I feel should be more towards marriage then staying in limbo. I feel he needs a slight shove (his friend saying something or maybe one of them getting married) then he'll feel it's more the right time.

p.s. he wouldn't move in with me until his friend moved in with his gf, then that day he's like "lets move in".

He's complicated and so am I. I just wanted some advice on things that I can do to help EASE his mind into marriage.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Lon said:


> Wait, I gotta call you out on this, you are being disengenuous - You are NOT old and gray!


Right, because I found someone before I got there. I was 33 when I took vows. Well above my friends who were married in their mid 20s/early 20s and divorced or on their 2nd marriages by the time I was on my first. 

I found someone that I could honestly take those vows with. That was huge because with other men, I knew I couldn't keep the vows. So I didn't take them.

And I said that. I said I was willing to wait. Not that I had it written in blood. So what did you call me on, exactly?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Kaykris said:


> Thanks all for the replies.
> 
> I want marriage because it signifies another part in my life, moving to the next level of life, buying a house, settling into careers, building a life on solid foundation.
> 
> ...


If he wanted to, he would.

You don't want to talk a man into marrying you. He won't last.


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## Kaykris (Mar 26, 2012)

norajane said:


> So this relationship you currently have is not 'adult-like' according to him? What is it, then? Playing house?
> 
> Do you two talk about the future, manage your finances together, talk about children in your future, discuss buying a home together, future career plans?
> 
> ...


Honestly he's not a bad boyfriend, hes GREAT. He's literally afraid of marriage, there's no underlining problems. He's not very good with decisions


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## Kaykris (Mar 26, 2012)

It is JUST like he's just not that into you with jennifer Aniston and Ben affleck.

Except he says he wants to marry me, just not now, he needs time to get his head around the idea.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

that_girl said:


> So what did you call me on, exactly?


Calling yourself old and gray when you are not.

It was a compliment. And your wisdom counts tremendously on this thread.

Kay, sounds like you know what you want and value, and have communicated it, though whether or not he really got the message is hard to tell. Perhaps he is the one who doesn't think "marriage" is important and is being passive about this or else is just afraid to lose you because he likes the relationship the way it is. You say he wants to marry too, but sounds an awful lot like he is still unsure.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> Thanks!!  Yeah, 18 is young, but I was only 16. I'm ok with it, even though I would rather she hadn't done it. If she'd moved away to college or something I would probably be even more worried, because she'd be all on her own then. With nobody to watch out for her.
> 
> I wish no one had to get hurt ever


Then how would they ever learn?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Lon said:


> Calling yourself old and gray when you are not.
> 
> It was a compliment. And your wisdom counts tremendously on this thread.


Ohhhh! Well, thanks.

But, in my head, I thought you were being snarky. lol my bad.

I actually told myself when I was about 28 that if it took me until 50 or 60 to find my true love, then it would take that long. I would never settle again, like with bfs I had had. No way.

It was very liberating and relieved a TON of pressure from myself and family. I just shrugged it off. I was not going to have the "starter marriage" everyone seems to have in my family. And MAN they made comments. Rude ones. When I turned 30, it was just the talk of the town....so rude. But I guess the joke's on them. I'm not paying alimony or bent by a previous divorce from my 20s. i saw enough of that growing up and did not want it.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

"Starter Marriage"

very apropros term.


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## Kaykris (Mar 26, 2012)

UPDATE

We're engaged! And the funny thing is HE'S the one talking about setting a date to get married, not me.


Turns out that he thought being engaged meant you got married right away, he didn't know you could wait a bit and that it is a promise to marry. My guy is so innocent!!! Once he found that out he asked me to "engage him", oh he's such a dork, but I love him.

He told his parents last night and we're telling mine tonight.

My ring is perfect, mainly because he picked it :O)

So very happy, well worth a 5.5 yr wait.:smthumbup:


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