# Dealing with the text messages



## once_bitten (Mar 28, 2011)

My original thread

So, how do I deal with these text messages? Yesterday he kept sending them telling me he loves me and I finally told him to quit saying that. So this morning he texts "Good morning. Just thinking about you and miss you." He was just inside another woman 51 hours ago and this is supposed to make me feel good. He has made it clear that he will do anything to make this work but has yet to clearly define his guilt. He still excuses it every single time which to me is disrespectful and insulting. Not once has he appologized without defending himself. First off, at this point I don't even want to hear his voice or read his words. I made it clear of that. I told him that I wanted at least a week. Hell, I can't put a time limit on this honestly. I may feel the same way in another week. He has been told that I expect him to be a good dad and call his kids but I am not interested at this time. I'm furious, sleep deprived but can't sleep, starving but can't eat. 

Right now I'm ignoring it. Is this the right thing or do I tell him once again that it has not been a week and tell him how to use the little calendar thingy on his phone? 

Why, what gives him the right to think he deserves me to talk to him or listen to him? Two days and I'm supposed to forget about this?


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Well, I guess, if you need time, stand by it. Don't answer them, don't answer his calls. I read your original thread, and I do believe this is way deeper than you realized. If I am correct, you have kids...txt him and say you want no contact unless it concerns them. Of COURSE you can't forget right now, you are in pain...this whole thing is a process, it takes time.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Hang in there. Stand your ground. Make those boundaries clear and set consequences for crossing them. 

*Trying to take my own advice, and it's HARD!


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## TimT (Mar 25, 2011)

Men, especially, are motivated toward the "quick fix" after an affair. It is in their best interest to spend a little bit of time showering you with reassurances and then, once you have stabilized, settle back into their normal relational routine. The thought of having to spend weeks, months, or years building trust and intimacy (and being reminded of their shame) just seems unreasonable. But it's not. If you are ever going to trust him again, it is exactly that long term commitment (enough time filled with the right stuff) that you need from him. Your reaction to his quick fix attempts are understandable. I agree with the advice above that you need to establish some rather wide boundaries and be clear in your expectation that any hope of recovery from this must be firmly grounded in his commitment to long-term effort. If he thinks that's too hard for him... well, then, it probably is.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm sorry you are going through this I know myself the heartache you are living through. 
You are doing the right thing by giving yourself time to regroup, this is a serious problem in your relationship. 
I would start thinking about a plan to correct this. First of all decide if you could find it in yourself to forgive such an act, if you can't ask him to leave and start living your life with self respect. 
If the objective is to stay in the relationship a few things have to happen. 
First of all NO CONTACT for life with the affair partner has to be put into place.........
Second you will need all passwords, totally access to all communication devices he might use......
He will have to be acccountable for his whereabouts at all times.
He will have to be committed to working on the marriage and setting up boundaries so this can never happen again.
Then the two of you work together to fill each others emotional needs........
You don't trust him or believe what he says for now, his actions will have to prove his intent......
I would suggest you two go to MC and IC to work through the trama this situation has caused........
If he isn't honest or trustworthy I think you will have your answer, you cannot work on a marriage if there is a 3rd person in it......
He needs to put you above all else for this to work........
jessi


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