# The elusive female orgasm



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hi guys, I have a question about female orgasms, and I'm positive that it's been covered here already, but am not sure where to find it. I'm 39, almost 40, and can orgasm no problem on my own. I use a vibrator but also need a lot of clitoral stimulation whether that's part of the vibrator, or rolled up blanket, just having something there is good. However, I've never orgasmed with a man. It's never really bothered me because I enjoy myself anyways. But, I'm with a new partner now, and have shared this information with him. He's fantastic, and tries different things to help me along, but it's a no-go for me. The sex is by far the best I've ever had, and I *really* enjoy the ride, but I'm getting frustrated with not being able to make an orgasm happen. In the past, I've been one of those women who've faked it, and none of my partners have known the difference. This man does; he's very intuitive, and he very much wants to get me there. He's suggested that it's all mental, and that once I break through that mental barrier, it'll happen more often. I just don't know how to break through it. Any suggestions?


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

From the way you describe it, it is a mental block, in my opinion. Some women have a hard time relaxing enough to just let it happen. Can you incorporate the clitoral stimulation into the LM session?

By the way, it is never a "good" thing to fake orgasms, in my opinion. As a man, I don't want my partner to fake it. If she does, it's not only cheating me, but it's cheating her, too. If I don't know she's not getting there, how will I know to make the extra effort? How can I learn to help her get there if I don't know?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You trained yourself to orgasm in one or two ways. You will need to learn some new things now. I agree that it has a lot to do with you learning to relax enough when you are with him to be able to accept what he's doing and let it take you over.

I assume you are not talking about him only wanting you to orgasm with PIV. Only about 25% of women can orgasm via PIV.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Are you using a vibrator with him? I think some women need that to O. 

I agree with others - never fake. Much better to try to help him learn what works for you.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

And to relax, I need to feel safe. 

A stranger who expects sex (someone I hardly know), isn't going to illicit that safety.

It takes time and a lot of patience.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Luvher4life said:


> From the way you describe it, it is a mental block, in my opinion. Some women have a hard time relaxing enough to just let it happen. Can you incorporate the clitoral stimulation into the LM session?
> 
> By the way, it is never a "good" thing to fake orgasms, in my opinion. As a man, I don't want my partner to fake it. If she does, it's not only cheating me, but it's cheating her, too. If I don't know she's not getting there, how will I know to make the extra effort? How can I learn to help her get there if I don't know?


We've actually tried incorporating that, and it's still a no-go. I do tend to be fairly tense, generally though. Maybe I just need wine… :-D

I do know that it's not good to fake them, and I don't do that anymore. With this current man, that's not an option anyways, he's way too perceptive.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> You trained yourself to orgasm in one or two ways. You will need to learn some new things now. I agree that it has a lot to do with you learning to relax enough when you are with him to be able to accept what he's doing and let it take you over.
> 
> *I assume you are not talking about him only wanting you to orgasm with PIV*. Only about 25% of women can orgasm via PIV.


That's correct; we've tried different things/positions, and using a vibrator. And, he's aware that it takes more than just PIV to make a woman orgasm.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

I'll just say this. My wife NEVER has an orgasm without oral, and quite often a LOT of oral and sometimes I even have to switch back and forth between oral in intercourse but again she only orgasms in the oral phase. Even with oral I've had to develop the perfect technique to get her to orgasm. I have read that some women never orgasm. In short I don't think you are that unusual.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

My first SO was in the same boat, being able to have clitoral but not vaginal orgasms. It became habit for me to perform oral on her so that she could "get hers" before I got mine. All SOs since have been able to have both, and we either peak together or her early and me a few positions later.

I recently heard a discussion where a 37 yo woman was talking about how great her new boyfriend was in bed, and how he was the only man that had ever brought her to vaginal orgasm. She said that he had an unusual shaped penis (curved strongly down rather than up, or straight) and that while she was skeptical when she first saw it, it hit all the right spots. Perhaps her vagina was at an unusual angle as well, and she just needed the right tool for the job. My first wive's ex-husband had a similar downward-dog penis and she said it was difficult for them to get a comfortable angle for her.

Everyone knows that penis's come in different sizes and curvatures. In my experience there is a lot of variation in Vaginas as well. Placement forward or back, angle, depth, tightness. I've had a partner that had regular sexual activity and always felt very tight. And I've had sex with a bigger hipped lady that very rarely had a partner, that felt like I was in a coffee can and I couldn't orgasm despite trying for some time. I think there is a correct shape key for every lock. The question is how do you find it?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Ursula said:


> That's correct; we've tried different things/positions, and using a vibrator. And, he's aware that it takes more than just PIV to make a woman orgasm.


are you able to orgasm in his presence? for instance, if you were to use a vibrator, while he is not "inside" you, then can you orgasm? if not, then im sure your man is probably very correct. if that were the case, it DOES sound like a mental thing. 

but, if it is only during PIV that you cannot orgasm, then it probably also has something to do with the way if feels. 

for the first six or so years of our marriage, my wife was not able to have an orgasm during PIV. what worked for us was me laying on my side, while inside her, with her using a vibrator on herself. i basically would lay there and not move. it took a while at first, but after she had managed to O that way several times, she started being able to have orgasms from PIV alone. 

i would basically ask her to tell me, verbally, about her most erotic fantasies while she used a vibrator on herself. i would basically just lay there, not moving, but caressing her to help her relax. the mental imagery she brought up let her get passed whatever it was that was holding her back. 

at first, my wife tried faking it too. but i could tell the difference...


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Good advice from the ladies.

Only thing I have is this. My wife Os from oral easily. PIV almost exclusively while on top.
We stumbled upon this early in our relationship. I asked if she would like to be on top. to "ride". Being quite inexperienced the both of us she said she didnt really know what to do. I simply said "well move till it feels good"  Her go to way for PIV orgasm to this day. Sometimes takes her awhile but is usually a big one for her. I dont know about all men but for me it has the added bonus of not being very stimulating for me so I can last quite a long time with her on top. So her O is usually assured and can try something else as well.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Love, mutual trust, and feeling safe are all integral parts of being able to share an orgasm with a loving partner!

This, without equivocation, is "learned behavior!"*


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## SoFlaGuy (Nov 28, 2014)

I'm lucky, my wife is very orgasmic, she can come from oral or PIV, though I usually use my fingers to help her along. Her favorite is her on top riding, grinding me. Sometimes we'll put the vibe between us while doing this.


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

Ursula said:


> Maybe I just need wine… :-D


That's actually not a bad idea since alcohol does lower inhibitions. Your inability to orgasm with a partner seems to be a learned behavior due to over-training your body's responses through masturbation, as Elegirl mentioned, in addition to a mental block. 
If you do try the wine stick with one glass, otherwise sensitivity will decrease, defeating the whole purpose. (try the wine)

Something that sometimes helps me cross that threshold (for the fifth time >) is to think about how amazingly strong and beautiful your body truly is in those moments of bliss, and how much your guy _*absolutely loves*_ it too. No need to feel intimidated. He sounds like a keeper, congrats and good luck


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Ursula, 

I have a kind of crazy suggestion. I myself can fairly easily to orgasm, I think, but what got me there was really being curious and trying different things. For example, I have several different kinds of orgasms, not only clitoral. Thus, I get it you guys are trying different things...and it's conceivable it may be just a matter of finding the combination to your lock and you'll go insane! For example, I deeply enjoy face-to-face positions for the intimacy but to really drive me wild, the more spooning style or doggy styles hit me better. Thus...if you guys try some things out and you can say "Well this tends to be better..." then keep experimenting in that style. It may be just that sort of finding the key. 

On the other hand, it sounds a little like you got "used to" stimulation in a certain way (vibrator or blanket) and since that worked for you, that's what you did. Now the trouble is that with a partner that isn't getting you there because it's not what you're "used to." It may just take longer to get there if you do it a way that you're not "used to"....and it may be that if you were to give it a go with yourself in a way that's closer to the way you like it with a partner, that you'd get closer to getting there. Does that make sense? 

Maybe right now you're "used to" using a vibrator clitorally, going at it for 5 minutes, and peaking. Well...use the vibrator inside, and it may take 20 minutes and THEN you'll peak. Or maybe turn it upside down and it will take 10 minutes... The point being that you trained yourself to enjoy these two ways, there are more than two ways....maybe train yourself to be patient and wait for it...or train yourself to also enjoy other ways.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If you can make yourself O with a vibrator, maybe see if you can do it in his presence while he watches. 



Ursula said:


> That's correct; we've tried different things/positions, and using a vibrator. And, he's aware that it takes more than just PIV to make a woman orgasm.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Are you saying you've never had an O in the presence of any man? For instance just giving yourself one with a vibrator in front of him? If not that would be a good place to start. You'll have to take all the pressure off yourself first though and just bring out the vibe you prefer best using yourself and play with it in his presence without trying to get off at first. Just have it there and use it on yourself and let him enjoy watching you with no expectations of getting off. Over time hopefully you will get comfortable enough to get off. Then with more time hopefully you'll be able to find a way to let him hold it for you and also incorporate it into intercourse.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I am not sure if or how often you still might be using the vibrator. But perhaps if you laid off that for a while it might restore some sensitivity to the area. If you use a vibrator fairly often, perhaps you have released too much of your sexual tension?
I know men are often told to lay off masturbating too frequently because it kills desire, desensitizes the area and/or trains that part of the body to only react to certain stimulus.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Ynot said:


> I am not sure if or how often you still might be using the vibrator. But perhaps if you laid off that for a while it might restore some sensitivity to the area. If you use a vibrator fairly often, perhaps you have released too much of your sexual tension?
> I know men are often told to lay off masturbating too frequently because it kills desire, desensitizes the area and/or trains that part of the body to only react to certain stimulus.


i have heard that too, but i think its more psychological than anything else. i masturbate enough that if it were a problem, i wouldnt be able to enjoy sex with my wife. i do think that when people are alone and masturbate, it frees up their mind to go wherever they want to go. then, when with their spouse, they cannot let their mind go there because they are worried about performing, how their partner feels, etc.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Faithful Wife said:


> *Are you saying you've never had an O in the presence of any man? For instance just giving yourself one with a vibrator in front of him?* If not that would be a good place to start. You'll have to take all the pressure off yourself first though and just bring out the vibe you prefer best using yourself and play with it in his presence without trying to get off at first. Just have it there and use it on yourself and let him enjoy watching you with no expectations of getting off. Over time hopefully you will get comfortable enough to get off. Then with more time hopefully you'll be able to find a way to let him hold it for you and also incorporate it into intercourse.


Yup, that's what I'm saying. I've always viewed masturbation as a solo act, and I think that maybe I just need to try stimulating myself in other ways, and figuring out what works. We did try something new last night, and I will say that the closest I've come is with him. I'm not sure if it's just due to his sheer size and ability to hit areas others haven't, or what, but the whole experience is fantastic, other than the fact that I can't seem to *quite* get there.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Ursula said:


> Yup, that's what I'm saying. I've always viewed masturbation as a solo act, and I think that maybe I just need to try stimulating myself in other ways, and figuring out what works. We did try something new last night, and I will say that the closest I've come is with him. I'm not sure if it's just due to his sheer size and ability to hit areas others haven't, or what, but the whole experience is fantastic, other than the fact that I can't seem to *quite* get there.


in this case, your sexual fantasies are your best friend. 

if you can focus on something that REALLY turns you on, in his presence, you might just be able to let yourself go enough to forget that he is there. or, at least, get to the point where his presence doesn't get in the way. 

worked for my wife at least.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I can only orgasm when I’m on top or when I’m literally jumping a mans face. They can never make me orgasm, I have to use their body (penis, tongue) and make myself orgasm with it.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

My wife can't orgasm without clitoral stimulation. If you've read anything about her you know she was a mystery to me for several years after we got married. She faked orgasms. She was very good at it. It was tough to tell, but I was sure I was right when I noticed it. I doubt I could always tell.

Vibrator use. I have read, although I have no idea about the accuracy of the information, that long time vibrator use can cause you to become less sensitive to manual stimulation. So maybe use the vibrator a little less. That's just an idea.

My wife uses a vibrator, and I have not noticed an issue.

Oral sex was mentioned. My wife absolutely loves having cunnilingus performed on her these days. Probably better than a vibrator.

The faking orgasms thing was tough for Mary to understand. When I said it was just more lying, she said okay she would stop, but don't expect her to have an orgasm then, and she didn't need one. I told her that was fine, and I didn't need one either. Two nights of that and she was pretty upset.

She agreed to work with me towards a solution that worked for both of us. Now she happily has orgasms before I do. I will never know where my wife got the idea simultaneous orgasms was something I cared about. She also believed I would be upset that she couldn't orgasm from just my penis in her vagina.

My wife had built up this whole scenario of how sex was supposed to happen, including expectations I supposedly had about sex. She couldn't possibly live up to the scenario she imagined, and I have no idea where she got the ideas from, and for over 6 years she never said one word to me about these expectations I supposedly had of her which she was failing to live up to. She actually held a grudge against me because (in her mind) I had these unrealistic expectations of her.

This is all just part of what I learned from my wife in the year after she had an affair. The list goes on and on and on. Yes, she had good reason to live in her own world. I just wish I had been a part of it sooner.

Anyway, I can't help but wonder if you set yourself up in some vaguely similar way, thinking you are failing some expectation on the part of the man you are with, when in fact that man does not have that expectation at all. That could lead to a lot of stress.

Please be well.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> You trained yourself to orgasm in one or two ways. You will need to learn some new things now..


i agree. if what you are doing is not working, you need to try some NEW sex techniques.

For instance:
buy some velcro handcuffs, and have your partner restrain you while making love

try more stimulation with some not too aggressive nipple clamps to use during sex

buy him a battery vibrating **** ring, so his penis moves in some new and interesting ways

Have him try to bring you to orgasm by only playing with your nipples and breasts...no touching anywhere else. It will take a good 15 minutes, but many women can do this. And even if you do not fully succeed, you will be so turned on that normal PIV sex THEN will probably do it.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

and there is always Furry sex:

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipe...).jpg/1200px-Otakuthon_2014_(14850728278).jpg


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