# My SO bores me. Please help.



## sevenstrings (Feb 3, 2012)

Sorry, this relationship does not involve marriage, however we are both in our mid-late twenties and have been dating on and off since we were 13.

*History:* 

Went to school together since 4th grade
Became good friends in 7th
Dated for a month in 8th, was her first kiss, and my first that meant anything
Dated for another 2-3 months in 9th grade, after which she got sucked into this weird online community that pulled us apart
Didn't talk for 1 year or so
Dated again in 11th grade for 2-3 months, I broke up with her because I wasn't into it, though she was head over heels
She rebounded to some guy that ordered her around and stuck with him for 5 years despite myself and other friends and her family trying to interfere. As a result, we mostly didn't talk for those 5 years.
In the meantime, I had another serious relationship for 2.5 years.
Fast forward to 2008, both of our relationships ended, she looked me up and we went out "to catch up" a few times and quickly realized we were still mad about each other
Dated in paradise for the next 2 years, which included ~75% of her time being spent away at school, so there has been a significant long distance component.
Beyond this point (1.5 years ago now, so we're at around the 3.5y mark), things started to sour a bit. Some things have gotten better, such as her living with me when she's in the country, which she has been for the last 2-3 months, but other aspects of our relationship have begun to sour:

The good:

She is a great person, very giving, considerate, loyal, quite smart, good job that she's fairly happy about (but not her dream of being a programmer)
She will undoubtedly make a fantastic wife and mother, which I adore [even though I'm not well-connected with my family, I want nothing more than to have a tightly-knit household]
Socially we are well-matched. Both fairly introverted, like some of the same kinds of movies (~50% match, though neither is much of a entertainment buff), and share a good sense of humour where we can playfully tell the other to go $%^& themselves, etc.
We are both pleasers, so we like doing things for each other
Physically we could not be more in touch. We know each others' smell, every unique feature of the others' body, and the sex is plentiful and excellent
She's drop-dead gorgeous.

The problem:

Logistics: She has to move once again to somewhere where I am not. Truthfully, my non-interest in moving with her is more of a symptom than a core problem. Situationally, I am also finishing a degree part-time that I hate, while working, and as such have little time to myself.
We are not well matched intellectually. I am very curious, creative, and analytical. Nothing interests me more than someone's ideas. She either doesn't have much in the way of ideas, or has had the will to come up with them and share them beaten out of her by her social esteem. As a result, I engage with my close friends 5x better as we avidly explore each others' thoughts and opinions - I can't do that with her. She expressed an interest in learning how, but it's been 3.5 years of her being immersed with my and my friends (all a very insane, codependent group) and progress has been limited and her efforts feel contrived, though I know she means well.
Similarly, she is very dutiful to friends and family which often prevents her from having real conversations with them, as she is much more interest in preserving idle pleasantries. I am decidedly more of an ***hole, and will do small talk when necessarily but am generally much more intense of a person and don't settle well for shallow banter.
I find her boring to watch. She does not have a strong sense of self, and as a result does not live by her own rules. She is not impulsive or spontaneous, and generally would make an uninteresting character in a film unless she was holding a weapon. If there was a TV show that was her day-to-day life with excerpted commentary from her thoughts, I would not be interested in watching. I am fascinated by the sorts of people who might spend a day rearranging their entire apartment for no apparent reason, and the other sorts of things that people do when they treat the world as their playground.
Interest mismatch. I love music, enjoy travelling without preparation (sleeping on trains, etc.), discussing complex social/business/political issues, fashion, sports and physics. She enjoys fiction, baking, working with her hands, and tending to people.
As a result, sometimes I meet people with these traits and feel a vague attraction to them, which causes me a lot of guilt and discomfort.

Of course, those are the things I find wrong with her. What she finds wrong with me is how I dismiss people (especially my family), how I overanalyze things, and how I can fluctuate between affectionate and critical with little warning. 

Generally, I find her to be a great person but uninteresting, and she finds me to be interesting but often an ***hole. 

Yes, I'll admit that I perceive my way to be superior - I see life as having one chance to experience as many things as vividly as possible, so I want to be constantly stimulated. Her approach to live impresses me and leaves me feeling good about the will of people, but leaves me yawning.

We have been to MC, though at the time it was to address our poor communication, which we have improved upon quite a bit. It seems that the openness we learned has led me to realize how bored I am, and that I want out. She on the other hand wants to salvage it.

One one hand, I am quick to give up. On the other, she will hold onto a bad thing forever.

I have read this forum quite a bit over the last few days seeking similar experiences, and have found a few, but none that were quite the same. I've also found that there is a vault of wisdom here that I beg you to share with me.

I love her deeply, and would move with her if it felt right. Am I making a mistake in thinking I could be happier?


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

sevenstrings said:


> Sorry, this relationship does not involve marriage, however we are both in our mid-late twenties and have been dating on and off since we were 13.
> 
> *History:*
> 
> ...


Honestly, if she's that unsatisfying to you, let her go. There is no way to know if you'll be happier with someone else, no guarantees in life. Both of you deserve to be happy, and it's unfair to string anyone along because you fear the unknown.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

People outgrow one another.

Move on. Doing that doesn't diminish any love you have for her, it's just time to go your seperate ways.


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## VeryShyGirl (Feb 18, 2010)

I dated my high school sweetheart for nearly 10 years (from age 17 til 26). Over that time we both grew up and changed. Our interests weren't aligned anymore. What was important to each of us changed. We stayed together a lot longer than we should have because it was so hard to part ways. He was like family to me. I finally broke it off even though it was very difficult. After a rough patch we became better friends than ever. Now I am happily married to another guy and my high school sweetheart is like a brother to me.

Sounds like you know this girl isn't right for you anymore. Gather the courage to break it off and get on with your life. When you find someone who shares your interests you will be much happier and a marriage will have much higher odds of succeeding. I have friends that married early and then divorced because they went through the same growing & changing process. Good luck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you are unhappy with her, move on.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm of the opinion if you have to ask then it's not right and you need to move on.

When I fell in love with my husband I would followed him to China if that's what it took to be with him.

The fact that you are flaw picking also speaks volumes.

Let her go.


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## sevenstrings (Feb 3, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I'm of the opinion if you have to ask then it's not right and you need to move on.
> 
> When I fell in love with my husband I would followed him to China if that's what it took to be with him.
> 
> ...


My skepticism lies in that I am a critical person. (Something I'd like to change, but that's for a different thread.) I'm weak at managing relationships because I don't do very good maintenance throughout.

We've had this talk already and are by-and-large split up. Her argument is that we haven't tried hard enough, and I'm left wondering if I can help her develop the things I'm seeking, at least the ones she's mutually interested in.

This relationship $%^& isn't easy.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I get the impression by your own admissions - "I'll admit that I perceive my way to be superior." - that you aren't going to allow yourself to grow as a couple but rather as individuals.

If that's the case, then yes, absolutely it is best for all concerned to end it.

I bet your wife is coming at it from a different angle and that's why she wants to salvage it.


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## sevenstrings (Feb 3, 2012)

Acorn said:


> I get the impression by your own admissions - "I'll admit that I perceive my way to be superior." - that you aren't going to allow yourself to grow as a couple but rather as individuals.


That is something that I would like to work on though. Maybe idealistic, I don't know. It hurts to feel superior to her (or to anyone, truthfully), and I do see value in her approach - just differently.

For what it's worth, I am an INTP and she is an ISTJ.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

sevenstrings said:


> That is something that I would like to work on though. Maybe idealistic, I don't know. It hurts to feel superior to her (or to anyone, truthfully), and I do see value in her approach - just differently.


Well, this is my point.

Your wife is ideally suited to help expose you to new ideas and new ways of thinking, all while you enjoy a satisfying relationship at the same time. For an INTP, it must make sense on some level that leaving a relationship is not a logical step for someone who wants to expose themselves to new ideas when the partner you are with has those very new ideas.

If, on the other hand, you just feel superior to her and your mind is made up, you'd be doing both of you a favor by dissolving the marriage IMO.

Really comes down to what you want.


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## TwoDogs (Jul 29, 2011)

sevenstrings said:


> Her argument is that we haven't tried hard enough, and I'm left wondering if I can help her develop the things I'm seeking, at least the ones she's mutually interested in.


In many ways your posts could be written by my SO about me. Okay, definitely not the "drop dead gorgeous" bit, lol. 

Over the years we have discovered that many of the things that are deeply meaningful to me don't matter to him, and vice versa. Bottom line, he's rather an artsy bohemian soul and I am (very happily) a pragmatic, sensible, play-by-the-rules type.

He occasionally voices an idea like I've quoted from you, that he can "help me develop" these things. Which just sounds to me like "help me change into more of the sort of woman I really want". 

We end up in really futile discussions over this where I tell him, "This is me -- please just accept me as I am" and he accuses me of being "rigid" and tells me to "be more open-minded", which I find incredibly patronizing and condescending.

I think the best you can do is expose her to new ideas or concepts, see if they catch her interest and she then pursues them on her own.


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## sevenstrings (Feb 3, 2012)

Acorn said:


> Well, this is my point.
> 
> Your wife is ideally suited to help expose you to new ideas and new ways of thinking, all while you enjoy a satisfying relationship at the same time. For an INTP, it must make sense on some level that leaving a relationship is not a logical step for someone who wants to expose themselves to new ideas when the partner you are with has those very new ideas.
> 
> ...


It goes both ways. I am interested in learning how to be a more giving person, because I have (in brief periods of whole-life elation) acted that way and it felt great, so I would love to do that more regularly. However I also seek intellectual fulfilment as a very high priority, and while I haven't done TONS to try to develop her in this area, I've done a fair bit, and to limited avail.

It is heart breaking, because she is so eager to be what I want, but I find that whole idea kind of depressing.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> It is heart breaking, because she is so eager to be what I want, but I find that whole idea kind of depressing.


You want her to do it because she's genuinely interested in doing it, not because you want her to be someone else.... more like you.

Acceptance. She is who she is. You are who your are. There are flashes of change here and there, but at your core you are the people you are and that won't change fundamentally. 

IMO, unless you accept her as is, you won't be able to sustain this relationship. Intellectual compatibility is something I couldn't sacrifice in my relationship either, I understand the need to connect on a deeper level. It becomes problematic because you'll want to seek that with others... it will shut her out of a part of you to a certain extent.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

sevenstrings said:


> My skepticism lies in that I am a critical person. (Something I'd like to change, but that's for a different thread.) I'm weak at managing relationships because I don't do very good maintenance throughout.
> 
> We've had this talk already and are by-and-large split up. Her argument is that we haven't tried hard enough, and *I'm left wondering if I can help her develop the things I'm seeking*, at least the ones she's mutually interested in.
> 
> This relationship $%^& isn't easy.


How about you developing yourself in areas that you need to - you've already admitted that you're weak at managing relationships, you're critical, etc.? Don't worry about trying to develop her - she has to develop and change on her own volition anyway.

Why not look at this break from her as an opportunity to improve yourself - for you, for no one else? Let her have this as an opportunity to work on herself.

They say that the adversity that we encounter in our lives is an opportunity for us to grow and better ourselves. So, take that attitude, work on you, and you may be pleasantly surprised where you can go.

Best wishes.


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## sevenstrings (Feb 3, 2012)

Enchantment said:


> How about you developing yourself in areas that you need to - you've already admitted that you're weak at managing relationships, you're critical, etc. - and not worry about trying to develop her (she has to develop and change on her own volition anyway)?
> 
> Why not look at this break from her as an opportunity to improve yourself - for you, for no one else? Let her have this as an opportunity to work on herself.
> 
> They say that the adversity that we encounter in our lives is an opportunity for us to grow and better ourselves. So, take that attitude, work on you, and you may be pleasantly surprised where you can go.


Absolutely, and it's something I talked to her about. Did not come across as much consolation, and surely seemed cheesy, but there is obviously tons to learn from.

Still, can't help but beat my brain and wonder if that growth is doable without having to split up.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

sevenstrings said:


> I'm left wondering if I can help her develop the things I'm seeking


Don't even go there with this. From your own admission this isn't about her it's about you. Look I feel for you I was once a flaw picker which is how I recognized it. Until you can see the beauty in people that are different from you I suggest you not get married.

Work on yourself first.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

sevenstrings said:


> Still, can't help but beat my brain and wonder if that growth is doable without having to split up.


This might be doable but you won't know until you try. YOU have to do the work and hope she is still there when you are done. Until then you have to let her go. It's not fair to her to be with someone who finds her "boring". She deserves better than that.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

You must be completely insane to give her up. I can't help but feel as strong sense of narcissism from you. Infact I fear that if you marry her, all you'll do is project your sense of "superiority" and belittle her constantly. Don't break her down mentally because you have problems of your own, not everyone should strive for your acceptance.

do you honestly see these as problems? if you genuinely do then you got to cut her loose and let her find someone who'd appreciate her for who she is which I'm sure she won't have trouble finding.

_# We are not well matched intellectually. I am very curious, creative, and analytical. Nothing interests me more than someone's ideas. She either doesn't have much in the way of ideas, or has had the will to come up with them and share them beaten out of her by her social esteem. As a result, I engage with my close friends 5x better as we avidly explore each others' thoughts and opinions - I can't do that with her. She expressed an interest in learning how, but it's been 3.5 years of her being immersed with my and my friends (all a very insane, codependent group) and progress has been limited and her efforts feel contrived, though I know she means well.
# Similarly, she is very dutiful to friends and family which often prevents her from having real conversations with them, as she is much more interest in preserving idle pleasantries. I am decidedly more of an ***hole, and will do small talk when necessarily but am generally much more intense of a person and don't settle well for shallow banter.
# I find her boring to watch. She does not have a strong sense of self, and as a result does not live by her own rules. She is not impulsive or spontaneous, and generally would make an uninteresting character in a film unless she was holding a weapon. If there was a TV show that was her day-to-day life with excerpted commentary from her thoughts, I would not be interested in watching. I am fascinated by the sorts of people who might spend a day rearranging their entire apartment for no apparent reason, and the other sorts of things that people do when they treat the world as their playground.
# Interest mismatch. I love music, enjoy travelling without preparation (sleeping on trains, etc.), discussing complex social/business/political issues, fashion, sports and physics. She enjoys fiction, baking, working with her hands, and tending to people.
# As a result, sometimes I meet people with these traits and feel a vague attraction to them, which causes me a lot of guilt and discomfort._


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

sevenstrings said:


> It is heart breaking, because she is so eager to be what I want, but I find that whole idea kind of depressing.


Yes, it is depressing that you can't just accept her and love her the way she is, yet she's eager to be what YOU want.


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## sevenstrings (Feb 3, 2012)

Complexity said:


> You must be completely insane to give her up. I can't help but feel as strong sense of narcissism from you. Infact I fear that if you marry her, all you'll do is project your sense of "superiority" and belittle her constantly. Don't break her down mentally because you have problems of your own, not everyone should strive for your acceptance.
> 
> do you honestly see these as problems? if you genuinely do then you got to cut her loose and let her find someone who'd appreciate her for who she is which I'm sure she won't have trouble finding.


Yes and no on this one. Do I see "her way" as inferior? Yes, but I don't judge her for it, I only describe it as superior/inferior because I enjoy being my way more. I don't think I'm better than her - in fact, I will readily admit that I am worse.

I do exhibit some narcissistic behaviour, but the subtle difference is that I don't believe I am special, or that people should strive for my acceptance. Au contraire, I feel quite bad that she feels okay doing so.

I describe myself as an ***hole in the sense that I am straight-forward with people. This is not the same as belittling her, as I do anything but. It sounds like you've been in or around that kind of relationship. This is not that. What I'm afraid of is detachment as I more easily connect with people outside our relationship, leaving me feeling obligated instead of excited to spend time with her, rather than them.

A large part of me agrees that I must be insane to give her up, as she is truly a spectacular woman. I absolutely love her for who she is, I just don't know how to interact with her in a way that satisfies me.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

The two of you are incompatible, and no amount of rationalization will change that fact.

You can stay with the course, knowing this is all there is, and accept the truth of it. You will grow further and further apart the longer you are together, or you can let her go. Free both of you.


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