# she's caught-shows her the facts-still tried to lie



## DB in PA (Feb 25, 2009)

OK..I am not all here right now. very emotional day. I have suspected this long distance affair for some time now. I read all the advice and stayed focused and gathered the facts.
Today i broke the final puzzel. I got into her hidden g mail account and what i read between her and him made me puck. The sexual acts they described to each other are only things one does and shares with their partner. I was shacking.
I confronted her with the e mails and she lied and said she did not know anything about it. I corrolated it to phone records, and her PC IE history. She stopped talking and was in shock. 
She did admit it then..then cried and tried to repent to me. Said that nothing physical had ever happened. Even though the most recent e mail "when your back in Pa we can meet between(she named two specific places here)..then described the acts she would do to him.

Now, she say's she does not want to loose me..that she is sorry. that she didn't want to hurt me..but she has very badly.

Now after a couple of hourd she is trying to justify it that it's just the way they"joke" with each other. I have never known any adults to joke in this way.
I feel that they did meet somehow,someplace, but have no proof of that, why else would it have been written. I googled his company and they do have two office in mt state, so it is very feasable that he was here on work and they met.
She says she is willing to go to counsling..she does not want to loose me and wants to make this right. I wonder if this story will change. She has been in bed all day sleeping.

After our initial confrontation I called the other guy..had three numbers from phone records. left three very intense messages. I think one of the numbers was him home phone..wonder what his wife will think if she hears my message after church.
i called the cell number a second time, he picked up, realized who he was talking to, then hung up. I called back and he left it go to voice mail. Invited him to call me if he has any questions regarding my message or demands.

I have blocked his phone numbers from my wifes phone, and his domain names and known e mail addresses from her outlook. Good thing she is not tech. savy.
I also have full control of her hidden g mail account and if he e mails her there, it will go to my account.

Sorry to write a book. Thanks to everyones advice here.
Have I handeled this totally wrong??
DB-very emotional right now and sick to the stomach.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

just because she might have met him, doesnt mean she has done n e thing.
i can vouch for that, being in that position myself on a prior occasion. 
describing sexual acts is more fantasy than actual reality.
when its put on a plate. sometimes women are certainly more reserved than men (my opinion)
i dont think you handled it wrong, because its how you wanted to deal with it.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

DB in PA said:


> Have I handeled this totally wrong??
> DB-very emotional right now and sick to the stomach.


It depends what those "demands" were that you left on the messages.

What is most surprising is that your wife admitted, and then later tried to back-track. Leaving all the morals to one side, you need to try to get to the bottom of why she is so intent on lying...

Is it that she worries that you will hit someone?
Is it that she intends to carry in on?
Is it that she can normally pull the wool over your eyes, based on past experience.

Or none of the above.

You really need to get to the bottom of this if you intend to keep her. If not, then it does not matter.


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## DB in PA (Feb 25, 2009)

Thanks to both of you
Mark - demands were simple - never contact my wife ever again.

and NO - I am holding her accountable - My wife is not thinking right right now - i think she is just so in shock that she didn't know what to do

And - I will wonder and watch to see if she intends on carrying it on - and i told here that if she does, she can pack her clothing in the suv and go be with him..kids stay here!!

and yes, she did pull the wool...with him before with me 2 yrs ago, but i did not have the evidence then that i do now...she was cornered with undenable facts 

Thanks Mark for putting these questions in my mind, i had thought of these already

fact is, unless she commits to the marriage, with all the free web emails, she could easily go right back to him, and him her. 
I am sure right now that his wife knows, and perhaps she will stop it from that end as well

only time and the strength of our counsling will tell...as with anyone in any type of affair

i am trying to be real and know the posiblities are that we may not be able to work this out.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I am concerned that she thinks you are easy to fool. It sounds like your communication has never been that good. My wife and I don't have any secrets from each other....... that I know of


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## findingpeace (Mar 14, 2009)

I feel this is still very inappeopiate behavior for a married person be strong and dont allow it again without reprocautions keep your eyes open good luck


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

DB in PA said:


> Now, she say's she does not want to loose me..that she is sorry. that she didn't want to hurt me..but she has very badly.





> She says she is willing to go to counsling..she does not want to loose me and wants to make this right. I wonder if this story will change. She has been in bed all day sleeping.


You are bouncing to counseling way to soon. You discover that your wife has carried on her second affair with the same guy a multiple year affair, that started 6 months after the last one ended, and 5years after the first one. This time you evidence by her own hand that she met him for sex. So what happens? tears, no confession unless you pulled it out of her. And a couple of hours later she is justifying it to you. A quote from your first post, I think is very telling.

_I also want to get even with him, confront him, but everything i read said not to. Should I get even somehow._

You want vengeance on him. But your wife cries a few tears, bam into counseling, more tears, she agrees with everything you say, promises to stop (at least change e-mails like she did before) and shes off the hook for a couple of more years.

*DB of course she doesn't want to lose you. How long do you think it would take to find another husband that will let her have affair after affair, with the only consequence being that she shed a few, tears, make a few promises and lays low till the next time. Do you understand what a serial cheater is?
*

This woman has ZERO respect for you. She knows you love her and she knows that you want to forgive her. The only inconvenience is a few counseling session and your pain. SHE HAS NOT A WORRY ONE THAT THIS WILL COST YOUR LOVE, LET ALONE YOUR MARRIAGE. YOU HAVE FORGIVEN HER BEFORE. I AM SORRY TO SAY, BUT BASED UPON WHAT YOUR NEW POSTING SAYS. YOU WILL GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO FORGIVE HER AGAIN. 

I hate to see someone do something destructive to themselves over and over again.

Now my opinion. She should have to win you back. Not just say she is sorry. And winning you back does not entail her remaining living with you like normal. Until she convinces you that she won't do it again. I mean that she has to convince you that she actually loves you. NOT YOUR SECURITY, NOT YOUR MONEY, NOT THE FACT THAT SHE CAN TRUST YOU AS A BABY SITTER. NO! THAT SHE ACTUALLY LOVES YOU. AND THAT SHE WILL DO ANYTHING TO RESTORE THAT. SO FAR ALL THAT HAS REQUIRED OF HER IS TO SAY SHE IS SORRY AND CHANGE HER E-MAIL. THINK FOR A MINUTE. IF YOU ARE SO READY TO FORGIVE AND FORGET. JUST HOW MUCH DO YOU THINK THAT TELLS HER THAT YOU VALUE THE MARRIAGE? YOUR MARRIAGE IS ONLY WORTH TO HER WHAT IT IS WORTH TO YOU. 

IF YOU VALUE IT SO CHEAPLY THAT A FEW TEARS AND APOLOGIES ARE SUFFICIENT. JUST HOW VALUABLE IS IT?

I WOULD BOOT HER A$$ TO HER PARENTS OR TO A FRIENDS AND MAKE HER CONVINCE YOU, THAT SHE WANTS TO BE IN THE MARRIAGE FOR MORE THEN SECURITY AND A CUDDLE. AND I AIN'T TALKING WEEKS.

THIS IS MY OPINION. ONE OF MANY. BUT IT IS MINE.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You have to look beyond your pain and fear about what she has done and if it will end your marriage. I know it is painful, but to treat this like it is a bad disagreement, does not give it the proper weight. I do not think that this is easy. And I know that this will be harder on you then her (because she doesn't love you like you love her). But to do anything less is cheap grace.

You need to blow the lid off this completely. You need to broadcast e-mail this to everyone you know. She needs to be shamed (because that's what it is SHAME ON HER) for cuckolding you by another man. 

A personal observation:

Damn, I don't understand why people (not just you DB) are so willing to cheapen themselves and their worth to avoid short term pain, only to sacrifice long term meaning to their life.


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## DB in PA (Feb 25, 2009)

infortheduration- I greatly appriciate your feelings on this.

I have posted here because I am aware that I have been taken advantage of...I do not want to have it happen again. I know that I cannot see straight right now. The counsling was for me, if she wants to come she can.

Perhaps this counsler can give her the undenying facts in such a way that she will see. Perhaps he will make me see.

I have posted here for this advice- I said that- i can take and want the truth. I do need to see it the way a freash set of eyes will. i do not want to repeat history. I cannot and will not let that happen.

I have not forgiven her. I do not think that i will. I have told her life will be different....the trust is gone..i will not be fooled with this again. I told her that it will be a long time to fix this,,if it can be fixed. That she needs to explaine why she would have done this.. that this cannot and will not be brushed away as a minor fight.

I will not be sleeping with her for a long time- if that ever happens again. I don't know.

I will not lower myself and have revenge sex. I am a good person and am better than tha.

Thanks for your posts and taking the time to read and give me your perception of my sistation. I greatly appriciate your honesty and candor.
DB


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

DB in PA said:


> i
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That is my point exactly. You are looking for an explanation. There is no explanation. There is no amount of massaging the facts. You will literally have to forgive her or dump her.

Also, no amount of a counselor talking to her will effect her. She has a completely different moral basis then you do. You will not cheat because of your personal character. Because of the damage you would do to the man you look at in the mirror.

Your wife doesn't care what she sees in the mirror. She just puts a little blush on and some lipstick and she's good to go. She cannot sympathize with your pain. She looks at everything from a selfish self centered position. When she cries, it is done because she got caught, not because she hurt you. When she says "I don't want to lose you" WHAT IS THE FIRST THING OUT OF HER CAKE HOLE......"I". Nothing about your pain. Only negotiation to limit damage or consequence to her.




If I may, I am going to give you a scenario. You say that you will be not be sleeping in the same bed. And that there will be no sex...... My friend. MEN JUDGE THE CONDITION OF THEIR MARRIAGE BY HAVING SEX. WOMEN JUDGE IT BY COMMUNICATION. Your wife knows this. The first thing she will do it try to break you down to have sex with her. She is a devious woman. She knows if she can get you between her legs, she will have won. That is just a fact. She will show you every type of contrition. But will she mean it? She will wear you down with I'm sorry's and It will never happen again. That's why I suggest that she leave. If she is there. She has lost nothing. She does not have to evaluate her actions. All she has to concentrate on is getting you to screw her. 

Next, you want to take her to your counseling sessions. Bad idea. Why? Because all you will be doing there is showing her how much pain she caused you and what she needs to say for you to forgive her. And for that matter, how little it will take.

Do you think after a 1 1/2 affair that she is going to all of a sudden stop contact with him? Not going to happen. As far as it goes. She still gets to have both of you. She just needs to bury the affair deeper. She can go to the frigging library and use their computers. "I am just going to the library hun, to check out some books on healing your marriage. KISSES".

*Lets forget about dumping her. What becomes the most important thing is. Can she convince you that she loves you? *

How can she do this? It's not by spreading her legs. It has already been determined that she will pretty much do that on her own. The only way is by you coming from the position that as it stands the marriage is over. Finished. Because it is. Your marriage is dead. DEAD. The only hope is in making a new one. You don't want the old wife you had. She is a cheating skank. You have to have a new wife. One that loves you desperately. One who will climb any mountain and ford every stream (to quote the sound of music) to prove her love. That is not the woman you have.

Now what concrete measures can you do. Kick her out. Close all joint bank accounts and credit cards. Or say they're lost, and then put the new ones in a safety deposit box. You need to pull ALL emotional and financial support. You do the bills, and give her an allowance.


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