# You say he's just a Friend ???



## oldfashinhub (Jun 5, 2016)

My wife is hanging out with another man on occasions, and I feel not exactly mentally cheated on, but that it is disrespectful, distasteful, and inappropriate


Ok, this is about 6 times longer than I thought it would be. I hope a few take the time to read and comment. I am prepared for my feelings to be psychoanalyzed, so don’t hold back. This is the first time I have disclosed my feeling on this to anyone outside of my wife.

BACKGROUND
My wife has a brother in his 40s who is married for about 15 years, and they have two girls, 12 and 5. They also have an unmarried male friend also in his 40s who is major part of their life, and in my observations, is with them constantly. My observations are mostly related to witnessing or hearing that he attends with them every major family function, vacation, party, etc. I cannot define what exactly this relationship is or how often he is actually with them. It just seems like he’s with them all the time, because every time I see or of hear about them, he's there. Whenever I see them, I see him. I am really not definitely sure if he is a 100% equal friend of theirs, more his friend or hers, but I think hers. I do see that their two girls to this day are as close and affectionate with this 'male friend' as they are with their own father. Over the years, I have witnessed him assist with the kids when they were both babies with strollers, bottles, diapers, feeding, etc., acting a bit more like a father than an uncle.

So, if I bet some of you will get the impression that he is gay, or on the feminine side, or maybe grossly unattractive, or mentally slow, socially awkward, or even that this is some sort of polygamistic relationship. Well, none of that holds true for the former, and for the later, its highly unlikely and hard to imagine, but admittedly and logically comes to mind. After inquiry to my wife years back, I was told he is effectively a-sexual, but once had a girlfriend. He has his own apartment, but I never hear a thing about dating or any of his other friends. From what I gather, his friends are their friends.
So in my option, this whole thing is just weird, non-traditional, unhealthy, and I can go on and on. I do not dislike the 'friend', as he is smart, friendly, and I get along with him very well. But, I have expressed to my wife for years now that I want to be no part of it. Meaning, hanging out with them AND their male friend, or having my kids view this as normal. He does like his booze, and I have seen him on a few occasions overdo it. Explaining that this relationship they have with the 'male friend' does not sit well with me, numerous times I joked that if her parents were ok with this, then "maybe I should get a female friend to always be with us, because I know you and your parents think it is normal". Further, I would express the dynamic their children's lives had, as if they have two dads. I have also objected to my daughter being at their home, when their 'male friend' is there, even when her brother is working. Her brother's job requires him to not be home for days at a time, and I have learned (by asking my daughter) that the 'male friend' sleeps over their house on the couch. This has also led me to object to my daughter being over their home. I make a point to express my feeling to my kids also, as I feel they should know it’s not the value system I want them to learn from me. My wife disagrees with me 100%, and has my daughter siding with her, my son understands. At times my wife at times visits my brother -in-laws home, and I know without asking or being told that he’s there, hanging out drinking with my wife and other couples. I have had family functions at my home, where my wife’s brother and his wife would attend with their children AND along with the 'male friend' - all coming and going together, causing me to again express to my wife that I just find this strange. It is almost as if he just comes along with them- a threesome.

A LITTLE MORE BACKGROUND
So you now know the background, and there was no way of making it shorter. But unfortunately, I will have to give you a little more as it relates to my own relationship. I have been visiting a beach vacation spot for years now with my wife's family, sharing rental expenses on a house with my in-laws, my sister-n-law's parents, my brother-in-law' family, and yes, their 'friend' was always present the whole time. We would all go to the beach together, 3 couples, their children - AND the 'friend' would tag along. I always expressed my option about this situation, and had just come to terms with the fact that it was what it was, and there was nothing I could do.

A few years back, my brother in law bought a vacation home in this place we used to visit. I visited only once, and yes, the 'friend' was there. I made a conscious decision that I did not want to go any longer. The dynamic of the 'friend' was a constant reason, but I always knew it could never just be my family, and my brother-in-law's family...there would always others crammed in this little house. So, for the past two years, and after I saying that I did not want to go, my wife would visit their vacation home. I would learn, only by asking, that the 'friend' was always present. This annoyed me, as now there where 1 or 2 couples with their children, and then there was my wife and my kids AND the 'friend', in what undoubtedly would appear to anyone unknowing as 2 or 3 couples and their families. I would joke to my wife that he was my 'stand in'. In all my objections, I got labeled by my wife a being narcissistic, and that it wasnt all about me, and that I make something out of nothing.

LAST WEEK
Anyway, this leads me provide what happened recently, and to request opinions on this matter. My wife and I are in our 40s, have been married over 15 years and have a son and daughter. My son had to stay home this weekend for something, and I had some yard work planned. On Friday morning, my wife informed me that she was going to visit her brother-in-law with her mother and our daughter for two nights, and would be leaving on Friday afternoon. I noted to myself that this was the first time I wasn’t invited, and I thought to myself that this showed that my wife did not care what I thought anyway. Something came up, and I was told that the plans were changed to leave early Saturday morning, and her mother was now not going. At 7am my wife and daughter left our house. She didn’t volunteer who was going to be at the vacation house, nor did I ask, as you can guess - I didn’t have to. I only found out after texting my daughter on Saturday night and asked who was there. The answer was what I was afraid to hear, and annoyed me. The facts now were: this overnight visit only included, a married couple and there two kids, a married woman (my wife) and her daughter AND a single guy (the friend).

Before knowing exactly who was there, I went about my yard work on Saturday, but this time the reality of the situation bore down on me like no other time. I was mad, I felt disrespected. I pictured the three kids playing in the sand and ocean, while what appeared to be two couples sat in beach chairs. It would look so much like two couples, wouldn’t if also feel that way? Then, I know part of the routine is that they go to a beachside bar to eat and drink (a lot). Again, I pictures this double date looking scenario, and think of whether my wife’s brother and sister in law would actually be encouraging a relationship between my wife and their 'friend' Then at 11:00 at night, it was hard to not paint that picture of the small 3 bedroom setup at the house, while the kids in there rooms sleeping from wearing themselves out at the beach all day. I am sure the alcohol was poured, as I know that drinking is the big pastime for this group while at this house. Just the four of them.....what a picture. It would be a total embarrassment to explain to anyone where my wife was, and who exactly she was with.

Help me make sense of this. Should I accept this? How do I deal with this? Is it my pure insecure jealously? Am I too old fashioned? Am I just a control freak ,misogynist, male supremist, selfish, overly judgemental ? Should I poll our normal friends for their opinions in front of my wife? I know no one will dare side with me, but will this may let the cat out of the bag and make her see things my way? My wife can easily avoid the situations stated above, so should she? Should I show her this post?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

You are not being controlling or jealous. You have every right not to want you wife with them under those circumstances. What I will say is that if I were in our shoes, I would tell my wife (not ask) that you don't want her to go any where this guy is unless you are with her, period. This is a boundary of yours that she needs to understand and respect. Having said that, you need to think what you are going to do if she says no.



If this had been my wife I would have called her and asked her to come home right away. If she didn't, I would have shown up.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

So,


> for the past two years, and after I saying that I did not want to go, my wife would visit their vacation home.
> 
> LAST WEEK
> On Friday morning, my wife informed me that she was going to visit her brother-in-law with her mother and our daughter for two nights, and would be leaving on Friday afternoon. I noted to myself that this was the first time I wasn’t invited, and I thought to myself that this showed that my wife did not care what I thought anyway.


You chose to remove yourself from the vacation house, and haven't been there in two years. Your wife finally stopped asking you to go. That's all that happened. 

You are correct that she chooses to spend time with her family regardless of your opinion on her family. Since this friend of her brother's seems pretty harmless - you have not said that he's done anything untoward, and actually like him as a person - I don't believe you will ever convince her to avoid her family just because their relationship with their friend makes you uncomfortable.

Show your wife a little respect and trust, allow her to love her family without your sarcastic jokes that serve to ridicule her family and their friend. If you want to be the man sitting in a beach chair watching your kids play on the beach, then be that guy and go to the vacation house with your wife and kids.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

have you thought of just showing up there unexpectedly towards the evening and see what you find? the more you do not get involved the more you are potentially creating an atmosphere where something could happen. In other words, your absence maybe causing something in the future you don't want. Short of getting divorce, you will not get her to change her mind and so you better find a way to get involved.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Unless he made advances on your wife, I'm not sure why his presence bothers you so much considering he is your in laws friend.

What has this guy done to you, other than always being with your brother in law's family? If you getlong with the guy, why does is presence bug you so much?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

All I can say is yes, it's strange.
I wouldn't like it. But you've tolerated it for years. He's done nothing but be consistent.
Deal with it by being there. You don't have to be asked. You're her husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

This is a hard one. I think you are wrong in your assessment of the friend. I have lived this - the BFF of my BFF's husband was a hot guy, but never with a GF and never with a BF. He was at their house always and was an uncle to the girls. His attachment was to his friend, and by proxy his family. It was odd, but most of us believed he actually was gay but couldn't deal with it. (He actually did finally date a man many years later, found it wasn't for him, and went back to being a-sexual)

You obviously don't have any tolerance for people that are different and have made this well known. Your jibe about you getting a female friend that is around all the time was ignorant. 

From what you posted, you are not worried about anything actually happening with the Friend and your wife, you resent the appearance that they are a couple because you are not there. The only reason you aren't there is because you have spent years not accepting a relationship that has nothing to do with you! YOU have alienated someone who is obviously very important to members of your family because you don't understand it. The problem is YOU.


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

Does the friend sleep in the same room as your wife? Same bed? What does your daughter tell you? Do you think she is cheating (for how long?) or do you just don't like the guy or the picture of him and your wife as a couple? Have you ever checked her phone records, emails or similar stuff to find out if and what they are communicating? Are you more upset that your wife is going without you or that the friend is there? 


The situation you have now is the worst, you removed yourself from being at the house, i guess to show your wife that you don't like the guy and her being with him. But your wife does not care so you now have no control whatsoever because you were not willing to lose the marriage. The dynamic of the whole situation seems effed up and you can bet that you are portrayed as the bad guy (and you may well be that).

So you either put the M on the line by issuing an ultimatum (and that basically means having the papers ready if she does not comply with your demands, seems over the top, if you don't want that, continue reading) or you tell your wife that you want to accompany her (tell her shortly before the next trip and gauge her reaction) and gain the possibility to be with your wife and kids and simultaneously have the chance to watch your wife and the friend (you don't have to get drunk or spend too much time with her family, just take care of your kids) or you stay in the situation you have now, not knowing anything and fantasizing about what's unknown to you.


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## oldfashinhub (Jun 5, 2016)

The Middleman said:


> You are not being controlling or jealous. You have every right not to want you wife with them under those circumstances. What I will say is that if I were in our shoes, I would tell my wife (not ask) that you don't want her to go any where this guy is unless you are with her, period. This is a boundary of yours that she needs to understand and respect. Having said that, you need to think what you are going to do if she says no.


I feel that may be a bit extreme, but I may make a similar request when she knows it is only going to be a very small group of only couples.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Do you ever get any weird vibes about him and his interactions with children?

Do you ever feel weird vibes about the energy between him and your wife?

I think this is NOT a good situation regardless of odd-single-guy: Your wife is on vacation, relaxing, drinking and having fun without you. That right there starts associating "the good times" with your absence. Now throw in a single guy her age being there - who knows what that feels like to her but you are right about the picture of two couples that it paints.

My husband won't visit my family with me, so after years of being isolated from them I've started visiting them without him. While visiting and being close to my family that I love, I do often get an earful of how they all think I should divorce him and I have to admit, this comes while I am having a good time without him. I have some relatives that practically encourage me to cheat on him. (I would never do that ever but it does get in my head that I am having a better time without him than I would be with him.)

In your case though I don't know what to suggest because I do think the relationship with this guy sounds a little ...weird. But you are between a rock and a hard place because this is your wife's FAMILY and she LOVES them and no doubt wishes you did too, and by removing yourself from the picture you've created a vacuum in her life. On the other hand it's not fair to expect you to want to spend time with people that creep you out. Or want your children around it.

But if it is going to come down to your wife there without you and your kids exposed to the odd dynamic regardless, or you being stuck hanging out with people you like just fine but find a little...off, I would suck it up and insert yourself back into the picture and make sure your wife has a good time - no sarcastic digs - with you on her vacation, and keep an eye on that guy and make sure he's never alone with your kids. 

You're the husband and the father. If your wife is not going to stop being around those people for you, go and look out for your family.


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## oldfashinhub (Jun 5, 2016)

norajane said:


> So,
> 
> .....I don't believe you will ever convince her to avoid her family just because their relationship with their friend makes you uncomfortable.
> 
> Show your wife a little respect and trust, allow her to love her family without your sarcastic jokes that serve to ridicule her family and their friend. If you want to be the man sitting in a beach chair watching your kids play on the beach, then be that guy and go to the vacation house with your wife and kids.


Norajane, thanks for your post. Its valuable for me to hear points of view such as yours, as its the same thing I have been telling myself all these years. However, I dont see how you conflate my story with my need to "respect and trust" my wife, as I think those are not the issues. You also speak as if allowing her to love her family and also hanging with single men is somehow mutually exclusive. Your man sitting on the beach comment, along with the respect comment is insulting and points to some preconceived notion that I am not a loving husband and present father.


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## oldfashinhub (Jun 5, 2016)

Xenote said:


> have you thought of just showing up there unexpectedly towards the evening and see what you find? the more you do not get involved the more you are potentially creating an atmosphere where something could happen. In other words, your absence maybe causing something in the future you don't want. Short of getting divorce, you will not get her to change her mind and so you better find a way to get involved.


I dont think anything romantic is going on, and I suspect that if I showed up, I would simply find all of them drinking, conversing and laughing together while the kids are doing their own thing


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## oldfashinhub (Jun 5, 2016)

Lostme said:


> Unless he made advances on your wife, I'm not sure why his presence bothers you so much considering he is your in laws friend.
> 
> What has this guy done to you, other than always being with your brother in law's family? If you getlong with the guy, why does is presence bug you so much?


Let me be a bit more concise, I dont dislike him, but dont like him all THAT much, as he gets annoying to listen to. His general presence doesnt bother me. Its his presence with my wife when Im not around in a couples only setting that bothers me


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I am a strong proponent of being honest and direct. Why do you not ask your in-laws what their relationship with this man is. I would also express to them your angst and explain that it feels uncomfortable and awkward to you. Having no in depth knowledge of your wife and her propensities I cannot say with any certainty whether or not she could fall prey to an alcohol influenced tryst.

I would be sure to convey to her your thoughts on the matter and to make it crystal clear that any such incident would be grounds for immediately terminating the marriage, if indeed you feel that way.

I do share your concerns regarding the effect this may have on your children and their view of marriage but how strong a stance you take on this is dependent upon how strongly you feel it will negatively affect them. As their parent you must act in a way that you feel best serves their needs.

Lastly, I am very conventional regarding the role of a H and W in a marriage and if you have this much discomfort over this situation I find it rather callous of your wife to dismiss your concerns so easily. I also find it disconcerting that your wife would rather spend the weekend with her sister and her H and "friend" than with you and your son. Perhaps I am a relic from a bygone era but I feel that the relationship between a H and a W and their kids should come first and foremost and all others should fall somewhere down the line in importance.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I'm referring to respecting your wife's love for her family, so that you stop expecting her to not see her brother and her brother's kids. That is what you'd be asking her to do if you asked her to stop being around her brother's friend since this friend is always around. You'd be putting her in a position to choose her family or you, and that's not a corner she will want to be pushed into. I'm suggesting that you trust that her motivations are to remain close to her brother and his family rather than to reject you - because you were the one who ostracized yourself from those family gatherings. 

I'm suggesting that you stop making those sarcastic jokes - you are ridiculing her family, and shows you don't respect her love for them because you're willing to make jokes at their expense, at her expense.

And I'm suggesting that if you aren't comfortable with the idea of your wife sitting in a beach chair watching your kids along with a single guy, you have the power to change that. Go to the beach with her. You were the one who chose not to be there.


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## oldfashinhub (Jun 5, 2016)

Bluesclues said:


> This is a hard one. I think you are wrong in your assessment of the friend. I have lived this - the BFF of my BFF's husband was a hot guy, but never with a GF and never with a BF. He was at their house always and was an uncle to the girls. His attachment was to his friend, and by proxy his family. It was odd, but most of us believed he actually was gay but couldn't deal with it. (He actually did finally date a man many years later, found it wasn't for him, and went back to being a-sexual)
> 
> You obviously don't have any tolerance for people that are different and have made this well known. Your jibe about you getting a female friend that is around all the time was ignorant.
> 
> From what you posted, you are not worried about anything actually happening with the Friend and your wife, you resent the appearance that they are a couple because you are not there. The only reason you aren't there is because you have spent years not accepting a relationship that has nothing to do with you! YOU have alienated someone who is obviously very important to members of your family because you don't understand it. The problem is YOU.


OK...I set myself up mentioning the "I should get a girlfriend comment" what can I say..I admit it was ignorant. BUT, how can you make your comment about "tolerance' ? You dont have enough info about me to make such an assessment. 

I am not trying to shame any ones desire to live the way they want. BUT, you fail to understand - because this involves my wife, this is about me and the way I want to live

I think the opinions so far here seem to evenly be divided by gender.....makes me wonder if the opinions would be the same if the genders were reversed.


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## oldfashinhub (Jun 5, 2016)

rzmpf said:


> Does the friend sleep in the same room as your wife? Same bed? What does your daughter tell you? Do you think she is cheating (for how long?) or do you just don't like the guy or the picture of him and your wife as a couple? Have you ever checked her phone records, emails or similar stuff to find out if and what they are communicating? Are you more upset that your wife is going without you or that the friend is there?
> 
> 
> The situation you have now is the worst, you removed yourself from being at the house, i guess to show your wife that you don't like the guy and her being with him. But your wife does not care so you now have no control whatsoever because you were not willing to lose the marriage. The dynamic of the whole situation seems effed up and you can bet that you are portrayed as the bad guy (and you may well be that).
> ...


INCORRECT: Shes not having an affair.
CORRECT: I am portrayed as the bad guy


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## oldfashinhub (Jun 5, 2016)

WorkingWife said:


> Do you ever get any weird vibes about him and his interactions with children?
> 
> Do you ever feel weird vibes about the energy between him and your wife?
> 
> ...


Thanks for your thought out and logical reply


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

oldfashinhub said:


> My wife is hanging out with another man on occasions, and I feel not exactly mentally cheated on, but that it is disrespectful, distasteful, and inappropriate


That's because it is.

It's all a bit creepy.


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## oldfashinhub (Jun 5, 2016)

norajane said:


> I'm referring to respecting your wife's love for her family, so that you stop expecting her to not see her brother and her brother's kids. That is what you'd be asking her to do if you asked her to stop being around her brother's friend since this friend is always around. You'd be putting her in a position to choose her family or you, and that's not a corner she will want to be pushed into. I'm suggesting that you trust that her motivations are to remain close to her brother and his family rather than to reject you - because you were the one who ostracized yourself from those family gatherings.
> 
> I'm suggesting that you stop making those sarcastic jokes - you are ridiculing her family, and shows you don't respect her love for them because you're willing to make jokes at their expense, at her expense.
> 
> And I'm suggesting that if you aren't comfortable with the idea of your wife sitting in a beach chair watching your kids along with a single guy, you have the power to change that. Go to the beach with her. You were the one who chose not to be there.


There you go again with the beach chair  I did not have the power to change that. I had to stay home and take my son somewhere. The plans where made by my wife knowing this. If I where to go, I would get my own room for my family (like I do every year) and I would not have an issue visiting and hanging out with all of them. (even though I still think its weird) Its been this way for years.

I respect and acknowledge the points made in your first two 'suggestions'. Albeit, I have not ostracized myself from all family gatherings at all. Maybe I gave the wrong impression in my opening post. 

I am trying to balance your points above with my own feelings, but there seems to be no give and take on my wife's end. I do find it curious that you see no need for my wife to show any respect for my feelings. As you also do, she discounts my feelings as being valid or rational. 

With respect to the 'friend', she can easily avoid being in situations like last week, and STILL see her family often enough. The only problem I have is when my wife and/or daughter is there with them alone, or when its just other couples. I have learned to deal with the situation otherwise.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

If I missed it or what ever. Where did your wife sleep. Three bed rooms - two couples and the kids. Did she sleep on the couch?


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## oldfashinhub (Jun 5, 2016)

I thought I would mention -The title of this post (you say hes just a friend) was used to attract viewers, and probably not a great choice. It does not accurately reflect what my dilemma is.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

norajane said:


> I'm referring to respecting your wife's love for her family, so that you stop expecting her to not see her brother and her brother's kids. That is what you'd be asking her to do if you asked her to stop being around her brother's friend since this friend is always around. You'd be putting her in a position to choose her family or you, and that's not a corner she will want to be pushed into. I'm suggesting that you trust that her motivations are to remain close to her brother and his family rather than to reject you - because you were the one who ostracized yourself from those family gatherings.
> 
> I'm suggesting that you stop making those sarcastic jokes - you are ridiculing her family, and shows you don't respect her love for them because you're willing to make jokes at their expense, at her expense.
> 
> And I'm suggesting that if you aren't comfortable with the idea of your wife sitting in a beach chair watching your kids along with a single guy, you have the power to change that. Go to the beach with her. You were the one who chose not to be there.


He was not invited this time. Also had to take care of son.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Sorry, but I am with OP on this one. No problem seeing family but when it starts interfering with the marriage that is when it has gone to far. 

Yes she better start taking OP's feelings into account, HE IS HER HUSBAND. He is the one she will grow old with not the brother and their friend, O unless she never takes his feelings into account. Then he will realize she doesn't give a ship about the marriage and is taking him for granted. Being there done that.


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## oldfashinhub (Jun 5, 2016)

ABHale said:


> If I missed it or what ever. Where did your wife sleep. Three bed rooms - two couples and the kids. Did she sleep on the couch?


its a good question , and I have yet to ask it 

I suspect that a few of the individuals that replied here would probably see nothing wrong if they shared a bed because of the limited room


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

oldfashinhub said:


> its a good question , and I have yet to ask it
> 
> I suspect that a few of the individuals that replied here would probably see nothing wrong if they shared a bed because of the limited room


NO f'en way would that be alright. Would like to know the arrangement. Would hate for your daughter to see them walking out of the same room the next morning if they did, that would not be good at all. I say if anyone slept on the couch, it would have been the friend.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Creepy at best. It seems he's creeped into your marriage as well.

Better work that one out with your wife. If the shoe was on the other foot how would your wife feel? Or deal with it. 

I've seen this issue creep up ( pun intended) and it's never workable with three.

If I'm not comfortable in a situation I don't go either.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

oldfashinhub said:


> I feel that may be a bit extreme, but I may make a similar request when she knows it is only going to be a very small group of only couples.


Well you know your own marital situation best and only you can decide what you are comfortable with. Your above request is not at all unreasonable and I would hope she would agree to it. I caution you again to think about what your options would be if she doesn't agree. 

I think you need to have a heart to heart talk with your wife and try to make her understand your feelings regarding this guy. More importantly, what kinds of interactions are acceptable to you and what is going to be a deal breaker. It also seems like you will have to participate more (if not all) of these more 'distasteful' family events to keep your wife happy, or you will be just forcing more quality time between your wife and this strange 'friend'.

To be honest with you, when I read the first few paragraphs of your posting, the first things I thought of is that your SIL and BIL are in a poly-amorous relationship with this guy. Either that or your BIL is accepting of your SIL being either physically or emotionally bonded to this other man. I knew a guy involved in one of these "relationships". What are your thoughts on that.



oldfashinhub said:


> ABHale said:
> 
> 
> > If I missed it or what ever. Where did your wife sleep. Three bed rooms - two couples and the kids. Did she sleep on the couch?
> ...


Why didn't you? That would have been one of the first things I would have asked upon her return.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Am I the only one that noticed that she lied about him being there? That it ended up being two couples...

And she LIED to make sure it would happen that way.

I have been in a loveless, sexless marriage for a LONG time. MY GOD. Going to a beach house for a weekend of sunning and partying with a woman who desires me?

I SO envy your wife (in reverse, of course). She must be so happy.

You, not so much.

Did I mention that she lied to make sure it ended up this way?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OP there are a few points to be addressed here:

First of all, every couple needs some alone time vacation together and every family needs some atomic family vacation time together (without anyone else, friends or relatives). Do you and your wife have that ? If not, that is the first thing I would address with her. Vacations where it is just you and your immediate family (to bond together) and then other vacations/breaks where it is just you and your wife (honeymoon style).

Second (and having addressed the first issue), you need to be present in your wife's family activities whether you like this guy or not. She will then see you as a strong and confident partner and I cannot stress how attractive that will make you to her. Also it will send a very strong message to the "friend" that you and her are solid as a rock, not to mention the positive message it will give to your kids that Daddy is always there for Mummy and us.

Third, and this is in general, your wife needs to have more empathy for you and your wishes/feelings and you need to perhaps, communicate better making sure she understands the whys and wherefores for your behaviour. This would only be useful once she gets better at listening and understanding (the empathy bit). You need to work on your communications and understanding of each other and here, maybe, a counsellor can help.

All three of the above have to be addressed in order for this to be properly resolved. If you don't do it, your wife will eventually lose respect for you and fall out of love with you (and may even start to be attracted to other men), your children will lose some of their bonding with you and will start to get used to being without you, her family will look at you as some kind of loser and encourage her to dump you, and the predators will move in.

So, for starters, go take her on a honeymoon type break/vacation and ravage her (while there) a few times. (Look up how best to ravage her although you should know this by now). Then regain your place in the family as the strong, dependable and secure man of the family! Good luck!

PS I would definitely like to know more about the "sleeping" arrangements as you may have a totally different problem on your hands by now!


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

oldfashinhub said:


> I suspect that a few of the individuals that replied here would probably see nothing wrong if they shared a bed because of the limited room


Only 11 posts and you can read some of these idiots already. Good for you.



oldfashinhub said:


> its a good question , and I have yet to ask it



The kids are all on one room. Check.

Married couple is in their own room. Check.

Leaving one bedroom. With a double or larger bed, I presume. Check.

And you never thought to ask? Oh, that's right. You didn't know he was going to be there so it wasn't a question before. Because she lied about it. Your not SUPPOSED TO know. Got it.

Well, be sure to ask daughter before you clue your wife on to the fact that you know loverboy is there. Ask HER where everybody slept.

Good god people! HELP THIS MAN!!!!!


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

My wife had a best "gay" male friend who became "part of" my family for over a decade.

Did you know "gay" guys sometimes do have sex with women?

Did you know that women have emotional affairs with "gay" guys? and the husband suffers for it?

It took me all that time to realize WTF was happening.

Your wife has NO business pullling what she is doing.

Showing up is not the answer. Her NOT being involved is.

If I were you, I'd put my foot down hard and the next time she pulls something like this, I'd drop divorce papers in her lap.

My bet is she will be pissed like nobody's business, then love you to death.
Unless she is already in over her head and in love with this guy.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Sorry but I don't quite understand what the problem is.
You say you find the guy ok but there is something about him you don't like...that he's around a lot. Ok that's annoying at best. You said you know they aren't having an affair.
You say you make sarcastic comments but from what you've said you haven't actually had a serious conversation about this.
I get you are upset you weren't asked to go but between the fact that you always say no and you said you and your son had plans I wouldn't fault her for not asking when she knew you couldn't and wouldn't go.

If he bugs you, which I think is the problem then talk to her. Don't crack jokes. Joking like you do is sending two different messages.

Two me you either have to suck it up and grin and bear it when he's around or not go to any functions where he is. That is if the problem is that he annoys you. If you think an affair etc then opinions would change.




Sent from my iPhone


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Am I the only one that noticed that she lied about him being there?






citygirl4344 said:


> Sorry but I don't quite understand what the problem is.
> You say you find the guy ok but there is something about him you don't like...that he's around a lot. Ok that's annoying at best. You said you know they aren't having an affair.
> You say you make sarcastic comments but from what you've said you haven't actually had a serious conversation about this.
> I get you are upset you weren't asked to go but between the fact that you always say no and you said you and your son had plans I wouldn't fault her for not asking when she knew you couldn't and wouldn't go.
> ...


I guess so.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

DoneWithHurting said:


> Unless she is already in over her head and in love with this guy.


I'm going with "it's just physical". He MAY have to worry about losing her. But for now, it's just a weekend of partying and good sex.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

@GusPolinski. Where is the "SHE'S CHEATING Club" when you need them?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

MachoMcCoy said:


> @GusPolinski. Where is the "SHE'S CHEATING Club" when you need them?


I don't think she's cheating. The larger issue is that she wasn't up front and honest with the OP that the 'friend' was going to be there. One thing I will note is that because the OP's radar is up and he doesn't want his wife around this guy without him being there tells me he's picking up a vibe about this whole thing.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

The Middleman said:


> I don't think she's cheating.


How is it possible you can say that? That implies there is less than a 50% chance. A wife is home 30 minutes late from work with a vague explanation and you've got him running to K-Mart for VARS.

Just ask the daughter where everyone slept.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Perhaps there is nothing wrong. Perhaps he is fine. Perhaps he is not a child molester.

What really matters at this stage is your wife's disrespect for you. 

She knows that this freaks you out and upsets you.

But the only thing she did about it was to turn your daughter against you.

Your wife's actions are wrong.

The friend's actions -if innocent- are not wrong. Why, Because the family give him licence to do whatever he does.

However you said your son 'gets' why you are upset.

Why does HE get it, when your wife or daughter don't?

Does he have bad vibes about the friend? Has he seem or heard something that sets his spidey senses tingling?

Ask your son. Talk to him about what is going on with OM. Perhaps pool your resources?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

This whole scenario stinks to high heaven. You have been letting her away with this for too long, time to be a man and tell her no more of this s****. 
Call her out on where she slept
Call her out on her lying and tell her the next time it happens it will be divorce papers

Then start snooping. Put a VAR in her car and in the house to see if you can find any calls

From here on out, she does not meet him in any setting unless you are there.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I know of a case that was very similar.

The chap was everyone's favourite uncle.

Nothing was too much trouble for him.

Nice to the older people in the family, polite, kind and very, very good with this children. 

I think he is still in jail for child sex abuse. Which came out when one of the girls mentioned it to a friend who convinced her to report him to the police. 

It was a horrible case.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

I don't know, I suppose it's just me, but I'm having a real hard time accepting oldfashinhub's OP and subsequent rationalizations at face value.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

syhoybenden said:


> I don't know, I suppose it's just me, but I'm having a real hard time accepting oldfashinhub's OP and subsequent rationalizations at face value.


But exactly the same rationalisations went through the minds of the family I was thinking of.

Yet the children were the ones who suffered sexual abuse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why would the wife want to be the odd one out? Two couples, a stray pseudo uncle and the wife. It would have made me uncomfortable, if I were her. Of course, she took the daughter to give her a reason to be there. Too cozy all around and too weird.

Get the scoop on uncle. Maybe he's into your brother-in-law.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

citygirl4344 said:


> Sorry but I don't quite understand what the problem is.
> You say you find the guy ok but there is something about him you don't like...that he's around a lot. Ok that's annoying at best. You said you know they aren't having an affair.
> You say you make sarcastic comments but from what you've said you haven't actually had a serious conversation about this.
> I get you are upset you weren't asked to go but between the fact that you always say no and you said you and your son had plans I wouldn't fault her for not asking when she knew you couldn't and wouldn't go.
> ...


Here is the problem, this ends up being a two day overnight date between the OP's wife and this other schmuck. I would not allow my wife to go on a date and remain married to her.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Why would the wife want to be the odd one out? Two couples, a stray pseudo uncle and the wife. It would have made me uncomfortable, if I were her. Of course, she took the daughter to give her a reason to be there. Too cozy all around and too weird.


I think you mis-counted. She wouldn't be the odd one out. It's two couples and their kids. She lied about being there with, essentially, a single man. 

And I can count only one bedroom left...

And did I mentioned she lied to her husband about him being there? I'm PRETTY sure I've pointed that out already. Although some of these responses are making me feel otherwise...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I stand corrected. I don't see where she lied? First her mom was going and then she wasn't. At this point it seems redundant to point out that 'uncle' will be there since the couple don't go anywhere without him.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

oldfashinhub said:


> Help me make sense of this. Should I accept this? How do I deal with this? Is it my pure insecure jealously? Am I too old fashioned? Am I just a control freak ,misogynist, male supremist, selfish, overly judgemental ? Should I poll our normal friends for their opinions in front of my wife? I know no one will dare side with me, but will this may let the cat out of the bag and make her see things my way? My wife can easily avoid the situations stated above, so should she? Should I show her this post?


OP, please watch this brief video all the way through. 

I promise you it will answer all of your questions in totality.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9aofoBrFNdg

These "brother from another mother" types are beta orbiters looking for scraps.

It's highly likely they may have had sexual contact in the past. Too comfortable.

Make out or ONS, but remained friends though he's always up for a free lunch.

If you catch my drift... She doesn't tell you about the past because you'd flip your lid. 

She justifies the deceit by saying in her mind, "Well we technically never dated".

You're right to be suspicious. If I were you I'd start digging hard about their past.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Op

It's your in laws friend. They accept him as part of the family. It's thier family. You don't live with them but I'm sure the friend doesn't get invited to everything. You're just not there to see it 

I have in laws that invite all thier friends up to the cabin. The more the merrier. The cabin is supposed to be a place to unwind and relax. And, yes, usually drink. Who am I to say who they can and can't invite. There's all sorts of people there. Single. Divorced. Married. Straight. Gay. 

And yes, I've seen others help out with thier kids. Feed them. Change diapers. It's almost like it turns into a "village to raise a child" mentality up there. I think it's because everyone is just trying to help each other out so everyone can relax the same. 

In my opinion, I think you should just let it go. Don't let your opinion of this guy cloud your thoughts. You may just have to accept the fact that he is always going to be there at major social events. He is part of thier family. And so are you. 

Go. Spend as much time as you can at these events. Accept the friend for what he is. Thier friend. Relax. Enjoy the time up thier with everyone. Make memories. 

in ten years when people get too busy to have these types of get together functions, you'll find you miss them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

naiveonedave said:


> Here is the problem, this ends up being a two day overnight date between the OP's wife and this other schmuck. I would not allow my wife to go on a date and remain married to her.




Yes
But he says a few times that he is sure she isn't having an affair.
His original post reads as being more annoyed that he is around than anything. I wouldn't want my husband going to a weekend with a mutual friend either but that isn't what the op seems to be concerned about.


Sent from my iPhone


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

MachoMcCoy said:


> How is it possible you can say that? That implies there is less than a 50% chance. A wife is home 30 minutes late from work with a vague explanation and you've got him running to K-Mart for VARS.
> 
> Just ask the daughter where everyone slept.


Go back and re-read all my posts on this thread, you'll see where I'm coming from.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

citygirl4344 said:


> Yes
> But he says a few times that he is sure she isn't having an affair.
> His original post reads as being more annoyed that he is around than anything. I wouldn't want my husband going to a weekend with a mutual friend either but that isn't what the op seems to be concerned about.
> 
> ...


JMO, but this is the start of an EA at least, if not a full EA or PA. This is very clearly a date to me, which equals an EA.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

naiveonedave said:


> JMO, but this is the start of an EA at least, if not a full EA or PA. This is very clearly a date to me, which equals an EA.


I don't agree with this. 

Is it WEIRD that the guy is always around? Yes. HOWEVER...the OP has not said that he has ever done anything inappropriate, either to his wife or anyone else present. I honestly DO NOT THINK that there is any kind of affair happening here, whether emotional or physical. Im sure when they go that the wife likely sleeps with her kids, I mean come on people, do you really think she'd be sleeping in the same bed as this guy?? Everyone is getting really over the top here. I just don't smell a rat here, and usually I can. It sounds like he is considered family by everyone, and if he was being inappropriate that he would not be welcome.

Now all THAT said... OP's wife really should respect his feelings on this, and not go if he HE is not able to go as well. She may think he is being ridiculous, but still should respect how he feels about it. 

OP, have you ever had a real discussion with your BIL about this guy, and why he is always with them?


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## oldfashinhub (Jun 5, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> I mean come on people, do you really think she'd be sleeping in the same bed as this guy?? Everyone is getting really over the top here.
> 
> Now all THAT said... OP's wife really should respect his feelings on this, and not go if he HE is not able to go as well. She may think he is being ridiculous, but still should respect how he feels about it.
> 
> OP, have you ever had a real discussion with your BIL about this guy, and why he is always with them?


Your comments are pretty spot on. 

How old are the people replying. Some just assume I am blind and naive....thank you for setting the record straight about some sort of affair. My Wife and Daughter slept in their own room and went to bed together at the same time

No I have not had any discussions with my BIL. Aside from being very awkward, it could create a rift that could just make things worse. As others have posted - who am I to judge

Thanks for all the posts. It is not hard for anyone to guess which ones I agree with and which ones I dont. There were comments asking why I cared a hoot about what it 'Looked' like at the beach and at the restaurant, but no one really touched too much on what if may 'Feel' like to both the friend and the wife. 

I even think I would feel the same exact way if the guy WAS actually family and WAS even married. I mean, in an all couples setting, wouldn't spending days doing things with someone other that your spouse make one feel what it WOULD be like to actually be with someone else? I know at least I would feel that way.


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

I would put a stop to it.
Even if daughter and wife went to bed together, there's nothing stopping her and he to get up in the wee hours of the night when everyone is asleep and do the nasty quietly.

It would be very exciting.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> 
> Lastly, I am very conventional regarding the role of a H and W in a marriage and if you have this much discomfort over this situation I find it rather callous of your wife to dismiss your concerns so easily. I also find it disconcerting that your wife would rather spend the weekend with her sister and her H and "friend" than with you and your son. Perhaps I am a relic from a bygone era but I feel that the relationship between a H and a W and their kids should come first and foremost and all others should fall somewhere down the line in importance.


I agree with this in principle, but as a wife with a husband who "doesn't like" anyone in my family, I can also see his wife's point of view. That's her family who she is already connected to. Asking her to terminate a relationship with her sister that she seems to love because of a friend her sister keeps who "technically" has not caused a problem is asking a lot. 

I think the OP is in the right if he does ask this, but I also think telling his wife she has to choose will not end well for his marriage.
@oldfashinhub - I have an idea: Your wife knows you're issue is the odd omnipresence of weird single guy right? What if you told her you really want to vacation together with her and her family, but that is a buzz kill to you, especially when he's been drinking, and how would she feel about the family going but any time he starts to get on your nerves, the two of you turning in together for the night, or going off alone to do something just the two of you - walk on the beach, whatever? Or even at a family event like a wedding, if he's getting on your nerves, have a code word or sign for you and your wife and the two of you excuse yourselves to talk to others, or sneak off alone, etc. when you're starting to have a bad time. 

If she agrees and you exercise the "exit" make sure that you give her lots of attention and affection and make sure she does not feel judged by you or that you're judging her sister and BIL, for this guy being around. Make sure she has more fun alone with you than she would sitting there drinking with them.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

"Wife, you going on a romantic weekends away with another man is done, or our marriage is done. You including our kids in it is disgusting."

And then walk away. 

She'll be mad. Walk away. Go out with your buddies. Refuse to engage. 

She'll attack you. Say it again, and walk away. 

She will tell you it was all on the up and up. Say it again, and walk away. 

Boundaries. Not threats. Not ultimatums. 

Boundaries.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

oldfashinhub said:


> Let me be a bit more concise, I dont dislike him, but dont like him all THAT much, as he gets annoying to listen to. His general presence doesnt bother me. Its his presence with my wife when Im not around in a couples only setting that bothers me


Honestly, it sounds like you rather dislike him.

That said, I can't say that I'd be overly fond of him either.

I think your "Spidey sense" is trying to tell you something about this guy.

How does he act toward your wife when you're around?

Have you ever walked into a room, noticed that he was talking to your wife, and then observed a change in his behavior, mannerisms, speech, etc when he saw you enter?

Does your wife guard her phone/tablet/laptop, especially on the days before and after she spends time around this guy?


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> I don't see where she lied? First her mom was going and then she wasn't. At this point it seems redundant to point out that 'uncle' will be there since the couple don't go anywhere without him.


Follow me here Blondi. This vacation house is frequented by a lot of extended family on both sides.



oldfashinhub said:


> BACKGROUND
> *My wife has a brother in his 40s* who is married for about 15 years, and they have two girls, 12 and 5. *They also have an unmarried male friend* also in his 40s who is major part of their life, and in my observations, is with them constantly.


This is her BROTHER'S friend.



oldfashinhub said:


> A few years back, my brother in law bought a vacation home in this place we used to visit.


Presumably her brother mentioned above. So far, so good. 



oldfashinhub said:


> On Friday morning, *my wife informed me that she was going to visit her brother-in-law* with her mother and our daughter for two nights, and would be leaving on Friday afternoon.


Unless the OP just confused the relationships, This ISN'T the brother that was having this creepy guy around all the time. Right? So he WOULDN'T have necessarily expected him to be there. Ergo, by NOT telling him, she was expecting he WOULDN'T think he's be there. So unless we had a logic fart on the OP's fault, we have a blatant lie.

And even if he SHOULD HAVE known...



oldfashinhub said:


> But, I have expressed to my wife for years now that I want to be no part of it.
> 
> Explaining that this relationship they have with the 'male friend' does not sit well with me,
> 
> ...



Why do you people fight me all the time? What? the Macho Man is ALWAYS wrong, ergo...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

LOL. Poor Macho.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Everyone is creating drama where there really IS none.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

You're overreacting big time, OP. Smh.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Everyone is creating drama where there really IS none.


there may or may not be immoral activity occurring, but the OP is at least being an adult and stating that he is not comfortable with his wife and the schmuck having any kind of relationship. For me, this would be close to a deal breaker, giving that she lied about who would be there.

Again, this is very close to the OP's W being on a date with another man. I just don't see it any other way. It may be innocent, but it is still a date.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Ask your daughter where everyone slept


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Celes said:


> You're overreacting big time, OP. Smh.


No he is not. He's not accusing his wife of an affair, he's just not comfortable with his wife being around this guy under certain situations. He has every right to feel that way and he has every right to communicate those feelings to his wife and get her understand why. Further, no spouse should be in a situation that knowingly makes the other spouse uncomfortable. You are most likely correct that this is nothing tawdry, but that's not the issue. The issue is a spouse knowingly doing something that makes the other spouse uncomfortable.


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## SouthernViking (May 7, 2016)

i would need to know how much this guy, I'll call him "the creeper", hangs out with the in laws. It's very, very strange to me. Like, a mentally deficient strange. I'm not sure I have ever heard of a family having a tag along like that. I'm thinking the OP is drawing from that kind of feeling and then having his wife spend time with the in laws while he's there adds to that uncertainty.
The OP has reasonable concerns about the creeper and the fact his wife seems ok with it is what is compounding this conflict. Again, I've never, ever heard of this kind of thing before. I have dealt with thousands and thousands of families. 

I would simply tell your wife your true feelings and ask her to not be around this guy unless you are with them. If she doesn't honor that then you have more problems going on than you know.


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## oldfashinhub (Jun 5, 2016)

The Middleman said:


> Celes said:
> 
> 
> > You're overreacting big time, OP. Smh.
> ...


Well said !


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Celes said:


> You're overreacting big time, OP. Smh.


Actually I think OP is one of the only ones posting who ISNT over reacting! lol! He isn't accusing her of any affair, but he has made his discomfort known to his wife.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

SouthernViking said:


> *i would need to know how much this guy, I'll call him "the creeper", hangs out with the in laws. It's very, very strange to me. Like, a mentally deficient strange. I'm not sure I have ever heard of a family having a tag along like that.* I'm thinking the OP is drawing from that kind of feeling and then having his wife spend time with the in laws while he's there adds to that uncertainty.
> The OP has reasonable concerns about the creeper and the fact his wife seems ok with it is what is compounding this conflict. Again, I've never, ever heard of this kind of thing before. I have dealt with thousands and thousands of families.
> 
> I would simply tell your wife your true feelings and ask her to not be around this guy unless you are with them. If she doesn't honor that then you have more problems going on than you know.


Sounds kind of like a poly relationship, TBH.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

What man is going to be alright with their wife being in a cabin with another man looking like their a couple. Never fails for some people to down play a woman's actions. She lied by omission. She's already poisoned his daughters mind against her father. She left her son, who is not feeling to good about the situation but takes the daughter, who will probably cover for mom.

Accusations of intolerance are way off. A man can't disagree about anything without being called intolerant. OP did not making any anti-gay comment but the tolerance police are condemning OP not even looking at the situation. All they see was a comment he made that they disapprove of. His wife can be screwing this guy but all that matters is a comment OP made. 

The situation is not kosher. OP, you need to be present with your family. This guy wants to be a 3rd wheel, that's his problem but don't give him an open by not being there. Also, maybe you can make different plans with just your family.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Sounds kind of like a poly relationship, TBH.


I agree. Mentioned that back on page 2.


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## sfd'swife (Oct 21, 2013)

How about a compromise? I think it's time to have a heart to heart with your wife. I think it's so important for you and your wife to stay close to her family. I also, however, think your wife needs to respect your feelings about this man and go see her family when you are with her. It sounds like its gotten to the point where she knows how you will react so she avoids letting you know he will be there. Please be careful asking your kids questions about this man and putting them in the middle. This is something you and your wife need to come to terms on. She needs to understand how upsetting this is to you (and yes, it is a little weird) and you need to understand how important her family is to her.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

3Xnocharm said:


> Actually I think OP is one of the only ones posting who ISNT over reacting! lol! He isn't accusing her of any affair, but he has made his discomfort known to his wife.


She doesn't have to be ****ing the guy to make it be disrespectful and boundary crossing.


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## SouthernViking (May 7, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Sounds kind of like a poly relationship, TBH.


Yeah, I'm trying to rationalize this but it ain't happenin'. When do you NOT feel like an awkward third wheel!?!? Answer: When you're part of the drivetrain. The trike, the training wheels, the side car. When you're IN the family. He's either a vital part of that family either for the hubby or the wife or both, or....he's living out his own needs through them which, is just plain weird (psychological weird).


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Go with your guy. It's usually right. End of story.

I can tell you right now wifey deciding to hang out with a guy alone like that is way out of line and definitely not normal for married woman to be doing. Does not matter if he's old, fat, whatever.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

jdawg2015 said:


> Go with your guy. It's usually right. End of story.
> 
> I can tell you right now wifey deciding to hang out with a guy alone like that is way out of line and definitely not normal for married woman to be doing. Does not matter if he's old, fat, whatever.


Hey J, um "guy" or "gut".

The way it reads makes for a good laugh. I hate auto correct.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

It is strange for the guy to be around all the time. The thing that struck me was when her brothers kids were younger he was there like he was the father as well, changing diapers and all. I would really hate to say what everyone is thinking. I don't think it is OP's wife he is hooking up with. When she is there with them it keeps the rumors down, it becomes two couples and not a threesome.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

ABHale said:


> It is strange for the guy to be around all the time. The thing that struck me was when her brothers kids were younger he was there like he was the father as well, changing diapers and all. I would really hate to say what everyone is thinking. I don't think it is OP's wife he is hooking up with. When she is there with them it keeps the rumors down, it becomes two couples and not a threesome.


Hmm, food for thought.

My mischievous nature would have me aching to do a little surreptitious DNA check into BIL's offspring.


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## Venessa Hodge (Jun 1, 2016)

Sit and talk to your wife that you are not liking it and this is absolutely wrong. This will help.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

My take is the BIL, his wife, and his buddy are in a three way bi relationship. 

The OP's wife is a typical entitled, ignorant twit who would not be able to recognize when she is being groomed by a man who wants in her pants. 

The OP's gut has been screaming at him not to trust this guy....for years. I am a firm believer in the power of intuition. If his gut tells him something is off with this wierdo "uncle" then there is something wrong. 

I do have a serious problem with these loser, hanger-on types like this friend of the brother in law, who have no life, no ability to live a life for themselves without assist, and so have to cling to the one person in the world who accepts them and live their lives in constant orbit around that person. It is weird and creepy and unnatural. I can completely understand why OP distrusts this guy. 

And his wife lying about where she was going and what she was doing that weekend is bullsh!t too. She isn't helping matters and is actually making the gulf that exists between her husband and her family even wider. So she needs to be called on it hard.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

syhoybenden said:


> Hmm, food for thought.
> 
> My mischievous nature would have me aching to do a little surreptitious DNA check into BIL's offspring.


Oh yeah... That would work.....not. 

"Hey nieces and nephews! Come here! Want to play a game? All you have to do is open your mouths and let me swab the inside of your cheeks with these creepy probe-looking q-tips, and then I will give each one of you a piece of candy...":grin2:

Yeah. That would go over well.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

A popsicle stick will gather DNA too.


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## PersonInSpace (May 19, 2016)

Wow, this is a really tough situation. 


I'll say this, I'm extremely lucky that my wife would pick up on this as extremely weird just as I would and we would feel the same way about it. I find it so supremely weird that not only is there a married couple that has this "abnormality" attached to them and the think it's normal, but that you also have a wife that thinks it's normal and her parents think it's normal. 

Even if this guy is not a threat to you, your wife, your kids or anyone else's kids, it is extremely abnormal. Made only more difficult by the fact that you actually like and get along with this guy. 

Your wife and your in-laws have to understand that this is a dynamic you aren't comfortable with because you've never seen it before. I mean heck who has? You are naturally going to be uncomfortable with a relationship so close to yours that doesn't resemble anything else on earth.

The other part is it seems no one is skeptical and asking the obvious questions, and that is dangerous. Not trying to make you paranoid, but this sounds like the classic story where everyone is just trying to place nice guy and be accepting and you're the only critical thinker of the group.


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## PersonInSpace (May 19, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> My take is the BIL, his wife, and his buddy are in a three way bi relationship.
> 
> The OP's wife is a typical entitled, ignorant twit who would not be able to recognize when she is being groomed by a man who wants in her pants.
> 
> ...



Boom. This 100%.


Any normal person would realize eventually they are loser with no life of their own and would be ashamed to hang onto this "family" long term. They would become depressed and reclusive. This guy sounds A-OK being #1 weirdo. It shows the rational part of his brain doesn't work and that is dangerous.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

bandit.45 said:


> My take is the BIL, his wife, and his buddy are in a three way bi relationship.
> 
> The OP's wife is a typical entitled, ignorant twit who would not be able to recognize when she is being groomed by a man who wants in her pants.
> 
> ...


Alternatively, do a "sex offender search" on the dude. Could he be playing long game, cozying up to family to get access to the kids? Certainly something isn't right. I don't know how those searches are done, but my guess is that Google could guide the way on this.


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## PersonInSpace (May 19, 2016)

Another thought: What does your family think? Do you have siblings, cousins, parents or anyone you can talk to on your side? Sounds like your world is a lot like mine where most of your life is lived in your in-laws world. I call it "Playing only road games". You need some people in your corner.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

The friend has been in this family's life for at least 15 years, so it's not like the family hasn't had time to get used to him and whatever unusual arrangement they have. No doubt they all think it is unusual, but they accept it since the brother and his wife seem to want it this way, so the family has accepted it since they don't want to cut ties with their son/grandchildren/brother/nieces. 

No one has been harmed by this friend over all that time, so it seems TAM is being a bit chicken-little about him being a sexual predator, suddenly grooming people for cheating, blah blah the sky is suddenly falling after 15 years of this!

OP doesn't like it, and he doesn't have to, but if he asks his wife to stop seeing her family because he is always there, it won't go well. If he tells her she is not to see her family if this guy is there and OP won't go with her to see family regularly because he is annoyed by this friend being around, that also will not go well for him.



> BACKGROUND
> *My wife has a brother in his 40s who is married for about 15 years, and they have two girls, 12 and 5.* They also have an unmarried male friend also in his 40s who is major part of their life, and in my observations, is with them constantly. My observations are mostly related to witnessing or hearing that he attends with them every major family function, vacation, party, etc. I cannot define what exactly this relationship is or how often he is actually with them. It just seems like he’s with them all the time, because every time I see or of hear about them, he's there. Whenever I see them, I see him. I am really not definitely sure if he is a 100% equal friend of theirs, more his friend or hers, but I think hers. I do see that their two girls to this day are as close and affectionate with this 'male friend' as they are with their own father. *Over the years, I have witnessed him assist with the kids when they were both babies with strollers, bottles, diapers, feeding, etc., acting a bit more like a father than an uncle.*


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## oldfashinhub (Jun 5, 2016)

Norajane, 

In large part, I agree with all you said in your last post. Especially your "wont go well for him" points.

Yes, 15 years have past, and we are all used to him as a constant, but this is my take - he is a man, and he undoubtedly has 'thoughts' and apparently no outlets aside from maybe himself, and with my daughter entering puberty, it would be irresponsible and foolish not to be on guard....dont ya think? 

With respect to the vacation home visits....This whole exercise of creating this post and seeing opinions and doing some hard thinking has made me realize that I should give in a bit and walk back my decision to avoid visiting the vacation home all together just because I think it is a freak show. But summer is here, and I can go at least once. What if my wife wants to go more than that, especially when my son is at sleep over camp. I work, she does not. I am curious of your opinion. If I do offer to go when I can, do you think my wife should respect my wish, and not go when I cannot, therefore avoid being in the type of dynamic that upsets me? 

I will be having this talk soon with my wife, and I know she wont want to have to ask if he will be there because this topic is the "unspoken" among her family, and will lead to some sort of conflict. Do you think she should bring it up for the sake that it is an issue that bothers her husband? It seems my wife would rather take the path of least resistance (pissing ME off), than confront the topic by telling her brother that I dont want her going to the vacation home if the 'friend' was there. Or better yet (to cover me), telling him that she is the one that feels uncomfortable. And then there's the fact that I dont want my daughter sleeping at their home if the 'friend' is there. Just think, my wife then would be the one making HIM chose between the brother's family or his friend. Strange indeed, eh? 

Obviously, and I think most here understand that I am not trying to make all this more than it is. it is not a show stopping issue that would be the cause for separation. However, it is creating huge resentment on my part.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

My main question to you is why have you developed so much resentment over this? It seems like you are looking for a reason to...what? Feel slighted in some way? This guy is not impacting your marriage except that you suddenly want to create waves over his presence, even though he's been a part of everyone's lives for years and years. Nothing has ever happened with this guy in 15 years except that he's around, yet you suddenly can't stand it anymore. Why? If you feel some uncertainty in your relationship, you should discuss it and gain clarity with your wife, but this guy has not done anything to be the source of your anxiety, except in your own mind. You have not said one single thing that he has done that is untoward, except for his presence in a non-traditional family set-up. You know he has become like family to your in-laws, one way or another, and he isn't going anywhere. So why do you, now, want to make it a struggle/difficult for your wife to stay close to you AND her family, which she obviously wants an intends to do?

ETA: As far as why it won't go well if you push your wife to make some kind of decision between you and her family, I say it won't go well because pushing people into corners never goes well.

It's your dog or me!
It's your mother or me!
It's your motorcycle or me!

That NEVER goes well. It's a terrible approach if you want to achieve some kind of amicable agreement.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

norajane said:


> My main question to you is why have you developed so much resentment over this? It seems like you are looking for a reason to...what? Feel slighted in some way? This guy is not impacting your marriage except that you suddenly want to create waves over his presence, even though he's been a part of everyone's lives for years and years. Nothing has ever happened with this guy in 15 years except that he's around, yet you suddenly can't stand it anymore. Why? If you feel some uncertainty in your relationship, you should discuss it and gain clarity with your wife, but this guy has not done anything to be the source of your anxiety, except in your own mind. You have not said one single thing that he has done that is untoward, except for his presence in a non-traditional family set-up. You know he has become like family to your in-laws, one way or another, and he isn't going anywhere. So why do you, now, want to make it a struggle/difficult for your wife to stay close to you AND her family, which she obviously wants an intends to do?
> 
> ETA: As far as why it won't go well if you push your wife to make some kind of decision between you and her family, I say it won't go well because pushing people into corners never goes well.
> 
> ...


Plus!

It's your weirdo pseudo Uncle or me! 

Actually, that sounds reasonable.


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## oldfashinhub (Jun 5, 2016)

Come on, be real, You sound so pompous. She can go and visit her family daily if she wants. Obviously, the only real issue I have is with my wife spending overnight stays at their vacation home or my daughter being alone with the 40yo asexual...and the real resentment only started after the last visit that only included 4 adults. 

It would be nice if you actually answered my questions to you in addition to your pontificating. None of your posts have created any dialog or reflection as mine have, and that's very telling about you. 

Anyway, I think this topic has been exhausted


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

norajane said:


> The friend has been in this family's life for at least 15 years, so it's not like the family hasn't had time to get used to him and whatever unusual arrangement they have. No doubt they all think it is unusual, but they accept it since the brother and his wife seem to want it this way, so the family has accepted it since they don't want to cut ties with their son/grandchildren/brother/nieces.
> 
> No one has been harmed by this friend over all that time, so it seems TAM is being a bit chicken-little about him being a sexual predator, suddenly grooming people for cheating, blah blah the sky is suddenly falling after 15 years of this!
> 
> OP doesn't like it, and he doesn't have to, but if he asks his wife to stop seeing her family because he is always there, it won't go well. If he tells her she is not to see her family if this guy is there and OP won't go with her to see family regularly because he is annoyed by this friend being around, that also will not go well for him.


So then what he needs to do is set firm boundaries with her, clearly spell out his expectations, so that if she was to stray then she knows exactly what he will do to protect himself. And then he needs to follow through. 

I agree he cannot control her nor can he forbid her from having contact with her family, and by fiat, this guy. All he can do is control what he will do and how he will react in response to any cheating.

The biggest issue I see here, at the moment, is that she lied to him about it. That is not cool.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

oldfashinhub said:


> Come on, be real, You sound so pompous. She can go and visit her family daily if she wants. Obviously, the only real issue I have is with my wife spending overnight stays at their vacation home or my daughter being alone with the 40yo asexual...and the real resentment only started after the last visit that only included 4 adults.
> 
> It would be nice if you actually answered my questions to you in addition to your pontificating. None of your posts have created any dialog or reflection as mine have, and that's very telling about you.
> 
> Anyway, I think this topic has been exhausted


Set your boundaries and stick to them. Don't try to control your wife. You can't. Just be ready with a plan in case your worst fears are proven.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

---


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OP, was this ever resolved with your wife ?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

manfromlamancha said:


> OP, was this ever resolved with your wife ?


Bump for this^


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The OP hasn't been here since June 2016. Curiosity may go unsated.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> The OP hasn't been here since June 2016. Curiosity may go unsated.


Never hurts to ask.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> The OP hasn't been here since June 2016. Curiosity may go unsated.


Never hurts to ask, especially if he gets email notifications.


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