# I think I'm loosing interest...



## distraught (Sep 30, 2009)

I'm not sure when the interest in sex started to wan, but I would say in the last 6 months, I'd really rather not have sex. 
There are lots of outside life issues that I'm sure I can attribute it to, but it's starting to distress me!! 
My husband and I are both busy with work and with our 3 teen kids. There never seems to be a moment for just 'us'. We are exhausted at the end of the day. He leads a high stress life with his job, and at the end of the day, he drops on the couch and sleeps until bedtime. I get no face time with him, and when we do make love, I feel it's like we have to, rather than want to. He is not affectionate, so the lead up to making love is a grab and a tickle, and then I'm supposed to be in the mood. I would give anything just to be held and kissed, to be hugged randomly during the day.
Any words of wisdom out there?


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Have you spoken to your husband about your need for just physical touch? In the end it's easy to let life get in the way of a marriage. We'd all like to think that because they are our spouse, they will understand and usually we end up putting them last instead of where they belong (first). If you haven't already done so schedule a time for both of you to just talk about what your feeling. Let him express his feelings, and you do the same. 

As far as making time, make a mom & dad block of time every other day for 1 hour to start. During that hour you both go into your bedroom and the kids are NOT allowed to bother you. At first just lay down together, watch tv, hold each other, talk, etc. You have older kids, so they can take care of themselves for that time block.  

If your worried about them knowing what could be "going on" then don't be. It's natural for a married couple to have intimacy. The best thing you can do for your kids future is lead by example. They will see that you two value your relationship and make time for each other. That will show them the right way to be when they begin to have relationships themselves.


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## distraught (Sep 30, 2009)

Thanks for your input Crypsys. I think things are more complicated than I've let on. We can always find the time if we are willing. Sunday nights seem to be "our" nights, as the weekend has allowed us to relax a bit. 
I have talked to him about the need for physical touch, and I've even showed and told him how I like to be touched when we are intimate. He is either not taking it in, or doesn't seem to think it's important. 
I guess my issue is that I just don't want to make love anymore. I can't seem to get in the mood, or get turned on, or whatever you want to call it. He does nothing or doesn't know how to get me in the mood. Over the years, I have been able to get to that point just because I love him, and I love being intimate with him...but lately I can't get to that point of desire.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

distraught said:


> I have talked to him about the need for physical touch, and I've even showed and told him how I like to be touched when we are intimate. He is either not taking it in, or doesn't seem to think it's important. *I guess my issue is that I just don't want to make love anymore.*


Makes some sense to me. If you aren't getting your engine revved, your not going to want to be intimate. Us guys are like a motorcycle, easy to start the engine and fast off the block. You ladies are like a classic muscle car. It takes some work, some fine tuning and a warm up to get the engine revving. Thing is, once yalls engines are going full throttle, watch out!!

If your emotional needs are not met, your interest in sex goes away. Something I've come to realize is since us guys are generally the simple ones here, it's up to us to do the work. We can more easily give you the touch, the words, etc then yall can just "make it happen". Does that make sense? It may not be "fair" but it is the way it is.

For us guys, sex is a way we bond, and we do get "harmed" without it. But, if a husband wants to avoid the whole sexless loop, he's got to fulfill his partner. If that means sitting and cuddling for an hour every day, then he's needs to do that for her. 

I think you really need to stress why it is that the touch, intimacy, words, etc are important to you. Don't do it when he's already upset, but at a calm time. Explain to him that kind of intimacy for you you is just as important as sex is for him. That if it's provided, you both will prosper. 

What you can do at the beginning on your side as he does a little more of it, "reward" him. As he sees it's getting better or increasing, he will naturally do more of it in response. It's kind of like a basic Pavlovian response.


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## FOOLED (Jan 11, 2010)

Looking at your other post's I begin to wonder what other issues you (and H) are facing.....
Is it the H you are no longer attracted to, or,have you found "outside" interests?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Dis,
My wife taught me this stuff in our first year together 21 years back. Fortunately I listened and learned. 

This is not your fault. Tell your H nicely that he is killing your desire for him - even though he doesn't mean to be. And tell him that if he is ok with not having sex he can keep doing what he is doing otherwise he needs to step up. 

And then he has a choice to make. 

You have just as much right to non sexual physical affection as he does to sexual affection. So I think that means either you both have rights, or neither of you has rights. 

As for spending time together - he needs to be better about that. And YOU need to be realistic about it. If spending time together consists of you engaging in conversation that is mostly not enjoyable to him - guess what - he is not going to want much of that. There is nothing wrong with venting, or talking about the kids. But if that becomes the primary focus of discussion - as a man - he is going to want to be somewhere else. 

Just as my wife has taught me a lot about how to interact with her physically, we have BOTH taught each other a lot of conversational "do's and don'ts" with each other. 





distraught said:


> Thanks for your input Crypsys. I think things are more complicated than I've let on. We can always find the time if we are willing. Sunday nights seem to be "our" nights, as the weekend has allowed us to relax a bit.
> I have talked to him about the need for physical touch, and I've even showed and told him how I like to be touched when we are intimate. He is either not taking it in, or doesn't seem to think it's important.
> I guess my issue is that I just don't want to make love anymore. I can't seem to get in the mood, or get turned on, or whatever you want to call it. He does nothing or doesn't know how to get me in the mood. Over the years, I have been able to get to that point just because I love him, and I love being intimate with him...but lately I can't get to that point of desire.


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