# How to get my husband to fight fair?



## jesspreder (Nov 6, 2010)

Every time I want to have a discussion about something I'm upset about, my husband can't be an adult about it. He will never just have a conversation about it. He also will never admit he is wrong on anything or apologize. Also, he rages. He will be upset at me about something, hold it in, and then when I get mad at him, he unleashes about whatever I did.
For example, last week, He forgot to feed the dog twice, in the morning, and she chewed something up. I simply wanted to talk about why it happened, and how he could have forgotten to feed her. First, he doesn't wnat to talk about it. (he has a habit of that, he thinks if I think he just needs to cool down, then I'll "forget" about it and we won't fight.) I pushed the issue, and he threw his laptop! Then he went and pretended to go to bed. I sat, talking as he gave me the silent treatment. When he did contribute, he automatically turns our discussion childish, claiming that he's just an ass hole, and a lazy peice of crap and totally being negative about himself. Then he unleashes about how he's mad at me because I never want to help on the farm (thats what he does for a living) He does this all the time and wont actually talk about a problem, therefore we never resolve anything. Then, for a day or so afterwards, hes mad at me for getting mad at him! He will be short with me or not talk to me at all. I have tried telling him that what he does isn't productive, but I think I need a way to show him...other wise he thinks I'm nagging. Ugh, Im tired of never solving problems, and then they build. Its not healthy for him to hold his emotions in until he rages, but he won't listen to me, and I really dont think he'll do councelling. Help!


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

If a man can't act mature, it's difficult for his wife to respect him. 

Then his wife feels that she has to lecture him, and he feels belittled. He feels that he doesn't have the respect he wants from his wife, and he gets even angrier. 

Then his wife feels more frustrated because she wants a man who is mature and dignified. 

It is all going to the wrong direction. 

How can he learn to act mature? How can he learn to be a responsible man? 

Can he learn it from somebody he respects?


----------



## jesspreder (Nov 6, 2010)

I think alot of it is from his family...they work together on the farm...which doesn't help. but they never talk about emotions...even his mom. So then when I want to he really doesn't know how.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

If his parents aren't good communicators, it is very difficult for him to learn how to communicate. 

He learns his behavior from his parents. 

Does he do any reading? 

If he doesn't, then there is no other way for him to learn to communicate?

Does he go to church? 

If he doesn't, he loses another opportunity to learn.

It is good that you are on this forum now, you will learn a lot here. Helping a man become a respectful man is not easy, it takes a long time!

How old are you? How old is he? Please don't mind, it helps us understand you better!


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

It is important to tell our partners what is bothering us. 

It is important to let him know that you are upset about certain things. 

But he doesn't need to be defensive, 

You just want to improve your relationship and make things become more peaceful, what you are doing is right!

But how can he learn not to take it too personally, and start to feel the importance of good communication. 

That, we have to take it slowly.


----------



## jesspreder (Nov 6, 2010)

We are both 26, college educated, want to go to church but cant seem to find the time. I am a teacher with a long commute (1 1/2 hours) and he works 3 jobs....Both of us are stressed, I think sometimes it comes down to his stress relief is sex, mine is sleep!


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

He may be acting childish because he's so frustrated he's about to pull his hair out. I have a very short temper if I dont get sex, too. Im much more amicable without the sexual frustration. All work and no play makes people pissy.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Jesspreder, I think a lot of people respond to “confrontation” in exactly the same way they witnessed their parents behaving. If their parents stonewalled, walked out and slammed doors, ranted and raged, changed the subject, clammed up etc. etc. then that’s how they will respond to confrontation in their marriage.

It is learned but immature behaviour. They behave as a six or seven year old might behave, but they are in an adult body so it’s very confusing. Unfortunately with that type of behaviour very little is actually discussed let alone resolved. Marriage is a lot about good communication, especially as conflicts arise.

What can be done? You both need to learn healthy communication skills, probably more so your husband. Best way is to get yourselves in front of a communication coach, someone who can actually tell your husband what communication is all about and demonstrate it to him.

I think it’s even a bigger problem with people who’ve learnt not to talk about their emotions, especially their negative emotions. Our emotions are a massive part of who we are, whether we deny them or accept them for what they are. Those that don’t talk about their emotions suppress them. And suppressed emotions, although bottled up will come out in various dysfunctional ways.

Poor communication skills and bottled up emotions are very unhealthy and a bit like a time bomb waiting to go off.

Bob


----------



## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

It sounds like from the way his family is, he just never really learned how to show emotion or discuss issues as they come up in a relationship so maybe part of it is that he just doesnt really know how, and also maybe was given the message that anytime you discuss a problem is negative?

when I was growing up my mom was (still is) like this..she never knew how to show emotion, very good at work and practical things but didnt know how to show emotion, talk about problems etc. It is very frustrating to me because anytime i show any emotion, or try to bring up some issue, she would not know how to have a fair exchange or discussion- she would either say "everything I do is wrong I suppose" or she would simply walk away, or she would start to busy herself with a task and say to leave her alone. It is a real intimacy blocker, whoever the person is, that is doing that sort of thing.
Since I am more of an emotional person, and she is more practical and refuses to show or discuss emotion, problems, we really are not able to be very close...we are cordial but I have had to learn to let go of my need to have a mom that would be real emotional and demonstrative of feelings, affectionate etc. I always wanted a mom I could be close to and share my feelings and problems with. I had to let that go.
since he is your husband its different in that way, it wouldnt be good for you to let it go completely the way I had to do with my mom...
but i think it falls somewhere in the middle....you should talk to him and try to not expect the same response back that you feel you would need- in other words, aim for better communication/ closeness with him, but realize he will probably never be able to at the level you'd hope for (but who knows, maybe with time, he could)

Sine he seems to equate any mention of a problem with personal attack, try to preface your requests or statements more from your end of thigns-- i.e. instead of saying "why did you forget to feed the dog? Look what happened, she chewed that thing now...why did you forget?" instead of that say it more like "the dog wasnt fed earlier and she chewed something,..can you remember next time?"
it makes someone less defensive if you dont use 'you' statements...such as "you always do such and such" or "why dont you ever do xyz?"


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Did he act like this in the beginning - when your sex life was good?




jesspreder said:


> Every time I want to have a discussion about something I'm upset about, my husband can't be an adult about it. He will never just have a conversation about it. He also will never admit he is wrong on anything or apologize. Also, he rages. He will be upset at me about something, hold it in, and then when I get mad at him, he unleashes about whatever I did.
> For example, last week, He forgot to feed the dog twice, in the morning, and she chewed something up. I simply wanted to talk about why it happened, and how he could have forgotten to feed her. First, he doesn't wnat to talk about it. (he has a habit of that, he thinks if I think he just needs to cool down, then I'll "forget" about it and we won't fight.) I pushed the issue, and he threw his laptop! Then he went and pretended to go to bed. I sat, talking as he gave me the silent treatment. When he did contribute, he automatically turns our discussion childish, claiming that he's just an ass hole, and a lazy peice of crap and totally being negative about himself. Then he unleashes about how he's mad at me because I never want to help on the farm (thats what he does for a living) He does this all the time and wont actually talk about a problem, therefore we never resolve anything. Then, for a day or so afterwards, hes mad at me for getting mad at him! He will be short with me or not talk to me at all. I have tried telling him that what he does isn't productive, but I think I need a way to show him...other wise he thinks I'm nagging. Ugh, Im tired of never solving problems, and then they build. Its not healthy for him to hold his emotions in until he rages, but he won't listen to me, and I really dont think he'll do councelling. Help!


----------



## jesspreder (Nov 6, 2010)

yes, but we were in college and didnt have any "real" issues to fight about...the only times we fought were when we had been drinking and I blamed it on the alcohol. now that i think about it the sex stuff started my last year of college, his first year out. not sure if there's significance there or not...


----------



## Almostthere (Oct 31, 2010)

Is this something you can really live with for the rest of your life? What happens when something truly major happens that you need to talk about? If he is throwing things is there a chance that next time it will be at you?

If you cant live with it give him the option , counselling or seperation.
If you can you have a hard road ahead of you. He wont change without help and without a reason too. The thought of you leaving may be that reason.
Some counselling for you might be good at this stage too, although we cant change our partners we can learn the best ways to react to their behaviour.
Good luck.


----------

