# What is respect to a man?



## 40jane (Dec 8, 2010)

I am really confused...heard how important it is for men to receive respect in a relationship:

Disrespectful?

When in a disagreement and a woman continues talking when you ask her to stop? (man will not bring it up ever again)

A man tells his wife he wants to go to sleep and a woman wants to converse? (man unwilling to make time)

He says he doesn't want to have sex and she continues to try? (man rejects wife anyway)

There are ( ) around the other side of the relationship. Just wondered am I totally wrong? Is my behavior disrespectful?

My husband works around the clock, is overly tired, doesn't want to talk, rejects sex and just wants to sleep and told me I am disrespectful. 

I was raised to respect my father and have no problem being under a mans authority but am confused to how wanting to talk, figure out problems or have sex have to do with respect? 

Do men think that their needs (sleep, silence, not wanting to have sex) are a matter of getting respect and more important than their spouses needs?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Your first two examples sound like my H's idea of respect.

I'm learning to see his point and give him that kind of respect...

As long as he can show me the respect of returning to an unresolved discussion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

If this happens every once in a while, then the wife is being disrespectful. She should wait for a better time to talk, sex, etc.

If it happens all the time, then the husband is being disrespectful. He should find time to talk and make love with his wife.


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

He is rejecting you,I thought this post was going the other way,you should always have time for your wife & her needs as well as your sex included very important to make love to one another.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

The first two examples also happen in my marriage.

I'm working on that too...

But I totally disagree that asking for sexual intimacy is disrespect - unless he is sick or something is wrong where he can't participate fully and you keep pushing it, then it appears selfish, not disrepectful.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

SadSamIAm said:


> If this happens every once in a while, then the wife is being disrespectful. She should wait for a better time to talk, sex, etc.
> 
> If it happens all the time, then the husband is being disrespectful. He should find time to talk and make love with his wife.


:iagree:

Should be some kind of balance there.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Is he asking for respect-treat me the way you would want to be treated(i.e.-quit nagging me),
or, is he demanding blind obedience?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Really sounds like he's just ignoring you - I don't actually think its about respect.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i think respect is taking the other persons feeling into account. respecting their boundries and fears. doing nice things for the other person, even when you dont want to.

i think you should build the other person up, not tear them down. your spouse is not your child and i think another part of respect is treating them like an adult.

you should always share your day with each other, its important to download, we all need to talk and vent, and share a closeness with another person.

thats my view...........


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I can remember a few examples in our marriage. 

Many years ago, I wanted to buy an apartment, but at that time my husband wasn't sure about Taiwan's situation and he wasn't sure how long he would stay in Taiwan. He said no. I didn't pursue the topic. Then one year later, he wanted to buy an apartment, he realized that he would live in Taiwan for many years, and he knew how much I wanted a place of our own. We took the action right away. To this day, he is happy that I didn't push him into buying a place, and he is happy that we made a good choice of buying a place. 

While we were buying furniture, I saw a set I really liked, but he thought the price was too expensive, he didn't want to buy it. I cried, (at that time I would still cry), but I walked away with him. A few days later, we saw a similar set in a different furniture store, only the price was cheaper, my husband bought it for us( or me) right away! It's European style, white color, I love it! 

Now I am even better at handling this kind of situation, we go shopping, I see something I like, but he thinks it might be too expensive or not stylish. I just walk away with him no matter how much I love it! 

I usually talk to him in a soft tone even though I disagree with him, I will tell him what's in my mind, but I never force him to do anything.

If he tells me he wants to pursue a hobby, right from the beginning, I say a few negative things, but I don't try to stop him from doing it. When he needs money, I usually let him buy something with better quality!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I think carefully, I realize in many ways I respect my husband's wish and I get a lot of benefit from doing it. 

My husband wants me to keep my long hair, I do it, I get to look pretty.

My husband wants me to keep on going to the beautician regularly, I do it, I get to have beautiful skin! 

My husband wanted me to start wearing comfortable shoes like Birkenstock, I did it. Those shoes are not sexy looking, but they are good for my body. Just read an article says that our feet are our second heart, we shouldn't wear high heels or tight shoes often. 

My husband wants me to wear sexy jeans, I do it, and I feel great getting all the sexy compliment from him. 

My husband wants me to eat more fruit, now our budget for fruit every month is about $ 200(In Taiwan it is a lot, one third of the official lowest income), but it is giving us great health. Through out 2010, I didn't need to take a sick day off. Now a lot of my students are having colds, I sit right in front of them, I am fine. I think my skin also looks better with all the fruit I am eating. Slim for sure. 

Anyway, I let my husband design me, I don't feel pressured, I am happy. And since I am so accommodating, my husband is happy, he becomes more interested in me, he dotes his love on me, my love is pouring out as I am writing since I know I have a wonderful man who loves me dearly!


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## 40jane (Dec 8, 2010)

greenpearl..if your husband was treating you badly, ignoring you, not spending time with you and rejected you would you still behave in a "respectful" manner? 

I do see the benefits of you following your husband's lead but also wondered if you feel that sometimes you don't have individuality? A voice to be heard or that you are valued? 

It may be in your country this was taught to woman. Do you think this is the case?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

40jane said:


> greenpearl..if your husband was treating you badly, ignoring you, not spending time with you and rejected you would you still behave in a "respectful" manner?
> 
> I do see the benefits of you following your husband's lead but also wondered if you feel that sometimes you don't have individuality? A voice to be heard or that you are valued?
> 
> It may be in your country this was taught to woman. Do you think this is the case?


I don't think I will be respectful towards unloving man. I don't just follow orders. 

If a man is unloving to me, I can sense it, I leave right away. My personality. A man said hurtful things to me, a week later, he found out that he couldn't find me anymore. A man tried to punch me, the second time he wanted to meet, I stood him up. A man actually slapped me, I turned him down no matter how much he begged me later. 

I have my personality, a strong personality actually. I don't allow men to treat me in a disrespectful and unloving way. 

One thing I don't allow my husband to change is what I read, what kind of movies I watch, and what kind of music I listen to. I just told him" I respect yours, but let me have mine, I don't like the kind of stuff you read." He is totally fine with me!


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Sounds like your husband wants his way. I don't see much disrespect in the examples.


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

Unloving is just unloving,you desire more tell him to change or go dont suffer.


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## ChrisInNOVA (Jan 3, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> I think carefully, I realize in many ways I respect my husband's wish and I get a lot of benefit from doing it.
> 
> My husband wants me to keep my long hair, I do it, I get to look pretty.
> 
> ...



Which is exactly why you are on this forum 24-7.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

ChrisInNOVA said:


> Which is exactly why you are on this forum 24-7.


Are you bothered?

There are many happy wives on TAM, I am one of them! Yeah, feel great! 

Our way of living gives good men hope, yes, there are wonderful women, you just have to look closely to find them!


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## ChrisInNOVA (Jan 3, 2011)

Bothered?

Not at all.

Just observant.

How much relationship-ing can you really be doing if you are constantly here?

A lot of people on the interwebs pretend to be something they're not. I just happen to feel you're one of them because your actions and your words don't exactly match up.

Lots of people enjoy using discussion forums & when we have down time @ home, @ work, or while running errands we may talk on the forums. There are other people who park it - continuously sit on the forums (or on facebook, etc). 

Having a relationship means_ spending time together. 
_

Looking at your postings, you are always HERE.

Unless you have figured out a way to manipulate the fabric of time & space itself, _something_ just doesn't add up.


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## 40jane (Dec 8, 2010)

gregj123 said:


> Unloving is just unloving,you desire more tell him to change or go dont suffer.


:iagree:


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

I guess respect means different things to men. My H wouldn't consider your behavior as disrespectful. He never turns down sex. He puts sex before sleeping, and eating.

He feels disrespected if I take advantage of him, or take him for granted. If I push him aside or disregard his basic needs, and emotions. And never embarass him in public, that's a no no.

Next time your H says he wants to sleep, then ask him what would be a good time for him to talk with you.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> Anyway, I let my husband design me, I don't feel pressured, I am happy. And since I am so accommodating, my husband is happy, he becomes more interested in me, he dotes his love on me, my love is pouring out as I am writing since I know I have a wonderful man who loves me dearly!


Although you and your H have a good marriage, your way does not work for everyone. My H loves and wants a challenge. He doesn't want a woman who ask "how high" if or when he says jump. If I were "accommodating" like you my H would be absolutely bored.

I'm glad you have a loving relationship, but I have wondered what would happen if you don't go along with what H says. What if you perceive things differently. Or are you two so in tune that you agree on everything.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I think Greenpearl may be hitting something that I have to learn about myself. . .if a man is not getting love, he won't give respect and vice versa.

My ex-wife used to vehemently complain about lack of respect towards her. . .well, I never felt loved. Maybe subliminally I didn't respect her, not sure.

Anyway, I have often been suspicious of one partner crying "Disrespect!" as a way of throwing the other partner off the trail.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

4sure said:


> Although you and your H have a good marriage, your way does not work for everyone. My H loves and wants a challenge. He doesn't want a woman who ask "how high" if or when he says jump. If I were "accommodating" like you my H would be absolutely bored.
> 
> I'm glad you have a loving relationship, but I have wondered what would happen if you don't go along with what H says. What if you perceive things differently. Or are you two so in tune that you agree on everything.


I agree that what works for us doesn't work for others because we have different personalities. 

It is interesting that my husband always tells me: If you say jump, I ask how high!

Please don't think that there is no challenge from my part, there is a lot of challenge, when we discuss about human life and living, I stand on my ground firmly, it only turns out that he has to agree with me quite often. He respects and loves my mind! 

I give him respect he wants, I get love from the man I respect!

Your last sentence is true about our relationship too. My husband and I agree a lot with the way we want to live. We both like simple life, we both are loners with friends(only people who meet our standards we feel close, not many in our real life), we both like wisdom, but neither of us like the hypocrite side of some religious people! We both live according to Bible standards, except sex!!! Both of us have a strong sense of responsibility towards life, we don't like to cause others trouble. We are givers in our families, we are not takers. 

After experiencing so much pain in my past, finally I find the man who clicks with me, it wasn't easy. But the reward is wonderful!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

4sure said:


> but I have wondered what would happen if you don't go along with what H says.


There haven't been many cases like this! 

If you talk about how to dress up myself, I totally let him design me, he is the one who is looking at me all the time, so I let him dress me up. 

For food, I eat spicy food, he doesn't. So I haven't cooked any spicy food, I don't want him to get sick. I try to cook dishes we both like. He eats fish, I don't. I don't cook fish. Both of us have to understand each other and respect each other's wish! 

He grows a goatee, I like his goatee, but his mother doesn't like it, witnesses don't like it, they view it rebellious. I felt pressured to make him shave off his goatee, he just won't, and if I mention it, he doesn't like it! I just stopped. I don't want to get him upset over small things like this! 

Money issues, he says no separate account, so I get to be in charge of our money. I always have his trust, I don't spend money irresponsibly, I set budget we are both happy with, and we stick to it. Every week, he gets to have a lot of pocket money! Spoiled in this way! I whined a few times that I couldn't buy things I liked, but I realized he was right, I am an impulsive buyer, I always regret what I have just bought, so I don't mind him stopping me from buying anymore. But when he thinks the stuff I like is a good price and high quality, he encourages me to buy it right away! 

His wish is not too much for me to accommodate, in return, he accommodates me all the time. He goes shopping with me all the time. I get to do many things I like, he just takes me here and there! He says he follows me like a puppy!


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

ChrisInNOVA said:


> Which is exactly why you are on this forum 24-7.


Why are you on these forums at all? I'm just curious. We're all here to give input and share. Why tear another to discount their point?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

ChrisInNOVA said:


> Bothered?
> 
> Not at all.
> 
> ...


Ha ha ha, 

Thank you for asking! I didn't notice this post of yours since you were on my ignore list! 

I am on TAM constantly because I HAVE TIME.

I work four hours a day, cleaning up my apartment everyday takes me 15 minutes, cooking takes me 30 minutes, no kid to look after. And while I am on TAM in the morning, my husband is sleeping, he sleeps late. While I am on TAM at night, my husband is in the same room reading. We don't have TV, only Internet, and TAM is the only forum I go to, so loving this forum since I don't see many rude people here! 

Why do I need to bother to answer you?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

If my husband asks me to jump, not only "How high?" but also "How to?" I would ask. I don't just follow his order blindly.

A clear instruction must be given to me, so I know how to make him happy.

I believe greenpearl is simply an understanding wife but she doesn't follow her husband blindly. 

She knows how to strike the balance when there's a conflict.

In the beginning, I also suspected her husband wasn't nice to her and she loved her husband blindly with a low self-esteem....

After asking her many questions about her marriage life, (she was nice to response in details), I must say, her marriage is peaceful & her sexual life is very active. They enjoy sex EVERYDAY in their own ways, which is pretty cool in my views.

I'm kinda enjoy reading her views & writing style, which is clear & sincere, easy to read & easy to understand.


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

I just need a good women who appciates a good husband!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

gregj123 said:


> I just need a good women who appciates a good husband!


Some men take appreciation a great deal when appreciation doesn't work at all for some men.

Just some satistics:

Appreciation works very well for men who are Leo, Aries, Sagittarious. 

They can't live without compliments from their women.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Trenton said:


> Why are you on these forums at all? I'm just curious. We're all here to give input and share. Why tear another to discount their point?


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I'm here to share and learn from others as well because I don't work and I have too much time!! (I also have a live-in maid to do all the housekeepings.)

This forum is the best relationship forum I can find on the internet.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

ChrisInNOVA said:


> Bothered?
> 
> Not at all.
> 
> ...


Nah, you have many different types of relationships, but they eventually boil down to a few things such trust, respect, boundaries and feeling loved. How you fill in the rest is up to you.

She just happens to be more on the serving and understanding side. He seems a bit more headstrong but understanding and respecting her needs. If that works, than it works. Just saying that green, while being a lovely woman, could never be my type. I'm also a somewhat serving guy, so I need someone who's more "dominant" for lack of a better word. Lots of girls would not like me for being "soft" but my gal likes it. She enjoys being treated as a princess. That does not mean that me and green don't have clear hard boundaries and we might actually defend them harder as we allow more.

About being on the forum 24/7

She could just have the pc on, check mail and forum, do stuff and come back 2 hours later to check again. You don't need to be hitting F5 all the time to reply often


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Draguna said:


> Nah, you have many different types of relationships, but they eventually boil down to a few things such trust, respect, boundaries and feeling loved. How you fill in the rest is up to you.
> 
> She just happens to be more on the serving and understanding side. He seems a bit more headstrong but understanding and respecting her needs. If that works, than it works. Just saying that green, while being a lovely woman, could never be my type. I'm also a somewhat serving guy, so I need someone who's more "dominant" for a better word. Lots of girls would not like me for being "soft" but my gal likes it. She enjoys being treated as a princess. That does not mean that me and green don't have clear hard boundaries and we might actually defend them harder as we allow more.
> 
> ...


Now I am going to cook, I will leave my computer on! 

Draguna

People are happy when they feel they are doing meaningful things. I feel what I am doing on TAM is meaningful, I try to provide as much as I can, sometimes I might cause people pain in a way I didn't intend to, but I am here trying to support. This world needs more loving people! 

On TAM, there are a lot of people who come to seek advice and help. I feel bad that I can't do much, I am reading a lot about human life so I can be more of help. I am always happy to see loving people here trying so hard to help others. My help is trivial, but it is meaningful!


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Sorry to bump the thread, but respect is something which comes up from time to time in our relationship (always him saying I don't respect him, which belies the cussing etc he obviously considers is ok to mete out to me) and intrigues me no end. Is it a certain personality type who's more likely to regard respect as critical? I'm sure we all consider we deserve respect, but in exactly what form? Obedience? Trailing around after? Or simply treating them the way you would wish to be treated - which is what my mum taught me (though she didn't label it respect!)


For what it's worth, I have a feeling my OH would agree with this:


4sure said:


> (SNIPS)
> He feels disrespected if I take advantage of him, or take him for granted. If I push him aside or disregard his basic needs, and emotions. And never embarass him in public, that's a no no.
> .


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

People who overreact tend to see disrespect in many actions.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Conrad said:


> People who overreact tend to see disrespect in many actions.


Interesting - did I mention overreaction?
It's just that that would be VERY perceptive; he's precisely that - highly sensitive and has an indescribable tendency to overreact to the slightest stimulus (up to and including loud noises, even when made by his 8yo son)
Very interesting - however how does that relate to disrespect?
Is it that they are viewing anything that grates with them as 'obviously done to cause harm or offence or upset' and therefore disrespectful of them?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Its possible to be "overly" perceptive, and read motivations into actions that are not there. It indicates insecurity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Suspicion may play a role, but it's not only that.

It's "owning" the emotions of another.

So, when they do "something" you don't like, it feels insulting instead of just wrongheaded.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Sorry I didn't read all of these posts but the thread title immediately made me think of this highly praised book. I think it is true men want "RESPECT" above all, and women want LOVE more so, a difference in the sexes and our needs. 

Amazon.com: Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs (9781591451877): Emerson Eggerichs: Books


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Funny this:
my H says respect is "letting someone have their own opinion."
and yet he cannot give that to me.
Amazing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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