# Can things really change after 11 years?



## Leigh27 (Jan 11, 2009)

I've been with my husband for 11 years. I'm only 27. He's a great guy and I love him. No one would ever know we're having problems. We had a 3 year old, and a house we wouldn't be able to afford if we split, and unfourtunatly lots of debt that we racked up when the economy started to downward spiral. The fiances have not been an issue though, just stating the situation. We're very civily trying to work out our issues and he's trying really hard to do what it takes but I just dont know if I want to be with him anymore. Can u really fall in love with someone all over again. I feel like for years and especially the last 6 months he doesn't even want to be around me. He goes out all the time and when he's home he's distant. I just want more. I want him to want to be around and spend time with me but u can't force that. I just keep thinking of all the things in the past that made me so unhappy and I don't think I can get over it (nothing serious no cheating etc.) I want more. I don't want to wake up one day and realize I've been in a 25 year friendship and want more. I'm too young not to have real relationship love and too old to stay quite any longer. He knows all this and we're doing lots of things to try and make it work but I just don't see how any of that will make either of us happy. He'll be giving up a large part of his freedom to spend time with me trying to work things out which he says he really wants to do, and I feel like even if he did everything and wanted to be around me I'm not sure if I want him to be around anymore. We're great friends, is it too much to ask for to have that and passion? He doesn't even know me anymore, he's said in the past specifically that several of my conversations about things I like and do don't interst him so we dont talk about it. He says he wants it to work but I feel like I'm forcing him to do these things I want. And I don't think I want someone I have to force to be around me. He's says he loves me and I've just gave him too much space and freedom and he's right. But idk it's just been so long like this and I want more. I shouldve spoke up about alot of issues a long time ago but I can't turn back time and this is how i feel. Can it really work? Can after 11 years you form a brand new realtionship? We're so different, and become more and more different over the years. What do I do or is there anything I can do to make it work? Is it even possible? Please help!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

ive only been in my relationship for three years. 11 years is a long time to be with the same person day in and day out. i dont know whats going to happen to my H and i, but i can only imagine things will change a lot. im sure we will both be a lot more mellow. we havent hit that point yet, so i dont know for sure, but i would imagine it comes and goes in cycles when you are together for that long. 

i think you ought to stick it out. these feelings you are having seem very natural to me. i fully expect to have them myself.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

If I didn't know any better, I would swear that you are my wife running under a different name on here. I am the husband in the exact situation that you are in. My wife, however came to me and "broke up" with me. This is the way that I was able to see the errors of my ways.

Let me start by telling you that this is NOT an uncommon problem, and the short answer to your question is "Yes". 

Spouses become distant for any number of reasons. In my self-reflection, I found that the stresses of the household pushed me into not wanting to be in the house. There was a great deal of tension and my attention turned to other things. I was away from the house for 35 to 40 hours a week (NON WORK RELATED). 

So let's examine...

It doesn't matter WHO you are with. This WILL happen every time! My wife had been reading romance novels and fell in love with the idea that there were men out there that would just have undying love and affection with no effort whatsoever. 

In this situation, the grass ALWAYS looks greener on the other side, and you could find someone new which would make you feel better (for a while) but before long, you would be back in the same boat all over again. I have said it over and over again. LOVE is NOT TRUTH. Love is a variable that can change in the same fashion as anger, excitement and happiness. TRUTH is not a variable and can never be changed.

That said, What was it that drew you together in the first place? What was it that you loved in one-another so much that you made a life-long commitment in front of God and Family? 

I don't think anyone gets married for "right now". The words "Good times and bad", "Sickness and health", and "Death do us part" are not just phrases that are thrown in to take up time and to give the preacher something to talk about. These are promises that have been made to each other.

That said, Yes, you can have your marriage back and it can be better than ever. Love doesn't "happen" it is something you have to build, block by block. When you stop building, it starts to weather and erode. It takes constant care and attention.

For me, it was the thought of losing my wife. The one person that I place on a pedestal higher than anything else. I had just forgotten how to show her that she was still standing "on high". 

Maybe it would help to read my story and see how it progressed along. Maybe you should print it off and show it to your husband. Maybe that will be enough of a wake up call to make him go into action. Use your judgment, but I am telling you that it can and does go from bad to wonderful.

here's my story: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...n/3372-my-wife-doesn-t-share-my-feelings.html

Good luck and keep us posted!

~Moog


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