# Unmotivated Husband



## kaj215 (Oct 10, 2012)

When I met my husband, I was in graduate school full time and working 2 part time jobs in order to keep myself afloat. He had recently purchased a condo, leased a new car and had a very good full time job. It was a relief to find a man who had it together. About 6 months after we got engaged he got laid off. At first, he was unmotivated to look for jobs, but that didn't last long. He didn't really get many bites, but then his old employer wanted him back but to perform a position a little lower than he was previously doing.

We knew we'd have to be moving in the next year or so and he would need to find a new job (my job relocated and we decided since my job paid better and I love my job that I would keep mine and we would move). He got a job 2 months before we moved and he moved over to the new area before I did. However, that only lasted for 10 months or so and he got fired. That was over 2 months ago. Since then he has maybe applied for 5 jobs. He keeps giving excuses "I don't want to go back to school/take tests" (he only has a high school diploma) "I don't want to work weekends" "I'm not interested in this" "I couldn't apply because the computer wasn't working/the system wasn't working/the internet went down" etc. I finally found (yes I found) him a job that he seemed interested in...but he won't apply. Every time I bring it up he gets defensive and snaps at me. I don't want to fight but I don't know how to motivate him.

When he got fired I told him I wouldn't be mad as long as he was applying and that I didn't want it to turn into what it did last time, which was him playing video games constantly. He told me it wouldn't...and that is exactly what happened.

I just don't know what to do anymore and need help!


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## braveheart2009 (Mar 25, 2009)

How about making suggestions to him print out some jobs about video games/producers/artists. Some pay good money.


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## kaj215 (Oct 10, 2012)

braveheart2009 said:


> How about making suggestions to him print out some jobs about video games/producers/artists. Some pay good money.


Worth a shot. But since he gets frustrated at our computer when he has a problem accessing the Internet and all you new to do to fix it is close out and reopen the program, not sure how well that will go over
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

wow.

I say he needs to stop the video cames and wise-the-eff-up. If he had an offer to go back to his prior place - even at a cut in position and pay - he should be all over it. He should be saying 'Thank you Sir - may I have another!'.

The thing is - being employed is far - far more attractive to a future employer than having a powerful world of warcraft character. You need to remind him that the the longer he its on his ass - the harder it is going to be. A great job is simply not going to fall into his lap. He will be able to use his current work as at least as a stepping off and reference point for the next position.

And - obviously - he needs to do a good job. References from prior employers matter. He cant be a bitter, angry 'just do what is necessary' d!ck. He should be superman.

---

I was unemployed once for 9 months or so. It can be freaking debilitating... and his snapping at you does not surprise me in the least. I wouldnt snap, but I can understand how scary it can be and how your self-worth can be wrapped up in your job. It is something to keep in mind. Hurt and fear and all that emotional baggage can leak out as anger if you just are not even sure what you are feeling except an internal mess.

I kept busy by doing things around the house.. painting.. fixing things. It makes you feel useful and worth while. Its important. Escaping into a video game is a disaster in the making.

You also say 'like last time'... this is a trend?

(oh.. 'video game designer' is every gamers fantasy, and they all think they would be great at it. Dont hold your breath or encourage that unless he has serious talent that leans in that direction. Artist. Technical Whiz. Greative genious. 'Ive played thousands of games' doesnt count for much.)


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## kaj215 (Oct 10, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> wow.
> 
> I say he needs to stop the video cames and wise-the-eff-up. If he had an offer to go back to his prior place - even at a cut in position and pay - he should be all over it. He should be saying 'Thank you Sir - may I have another!'.
> 
> ...


He worked his way up in a company for 10 years and then the economy sank and he got laid off. Pretty much sat around for 5 months and they asked him to come back and he did. Then we left the state, moved due to my job relocating, that was wen he got another job, worked 10 months and got fired. 

It just hurts that he doesn't seem to care about how this affects me too and not even try for both of us and the future family we want to have (though sometimes I also wonder if he is serious when he says he doesn't want kids. It was something we discussed before we got married and we had a plan and now he keeps saying no kids but then says he is kidding. Sometimes)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

He needs counseling.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Couple things more...

'constantly' looking isnt good either. Really it doesnt help. But, looking at the job hunt as at least part time 'work' is important. He should pick.. say 3-days a week and use that time as serious work time.

Finding a place to help with his resume. Finding a headhunter and meeting with them if that would work for him. Dont rely too much on the jobsites - those are the jobs with 5,000 applicants in a single day. There are also, I have no doubt, networking and jobfairs and the like. Its something - but even as he has 'extra time' now, he still needs to try and devote, on a schedule, effort on it somehow. It will actualy make it easier and it will delineate job hunting time and effort from everyting else. Full time every day 6 days a week doesnt always yield much more would be my guess - and the rejections - or worse - no response at all - do take an emional toll.

Let him know you understand how annoying and stressful it is and suggest maybe that he would feel better by getting something accomplished. (Uh.. hard to say that withourt it sounding like an accusation, I know) Let him make figure out what he wants to do... if its put up a new mailbox today... fine. Scrape, prime and Paint the hallway - awesome. Change the oil ithe car and the lawnmower. Anything. Encourage him. Tell him that it may provide a _useful_ outlet.


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