# Question: If a guy can afford a new convertible, why wouldnt he buy one?



## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Hello, and my title is not really my question,,,sort of.

I recently have had a few conversations, one of the people was my daughter in CA, in which the women expressed the same general feelings. They think it is unfair that a man who has options in the dating world wont settle for one woman, "just because he doesnt have to" some how having options is "unfair".

I was married for 30 years. During that time I was extremely loyal, putting my family first (not complaining at all, that is what I wanted) I worked 70 hours a week for over a decade, only taking time off for family things (think I am a good father, in that all three of my adult daughters call me regularly, see me when they can) to get my business established. Wouldnt you know it that 6 months after I passed the finish line (business all paid for) I discover my xw is having an A with a mutual friend. As such I have been unwilling to committ to another, which has caused more than one upset female. My current gf said, as many have said, that it is unfair that mature men like myself, are reluctant to settle down because they know that they have a lot of options on the dating market. She (and others) have basically said, " Guys are crap, they know that they have a lot of opportunities with multiple women so they are unwilling to settle down, it is so unfair." For me, I think, "I have worked extremely hard all my life to get to where I am, a guy with a lot of flex time, a little money to do with what he wants, not rich by any means but ok, who enjoys the company of women, and they with him, and so not wanting to (and maybe never again) settle down I like to keep my options open, until someone really steals my heart, which I dont think will ever happen again. (I realize that I am broken this way) I dont want to settle, I am truely enjoying my life. The depression from the divorce is all but gone, I enjoy my alone time a lot, dont need another to be happy, to be fulfilled. I guess I am really just a ***** dog if you go by what they say. What say you?


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

As long as the women you are with know you are seeing multiple and won't commit, do whatever you want. 

If they are getting upset maybe you aren't being super clear to them about the situation. You're looking for fwb basically and they should know that. Don't give any impression that it'll go further. 

I've had no issue finding men wanting just one woman though. No matter how much money or how desirable they were. There's many of them so don't be upset if anyone you see decides the fwb thing isn't for them and finds a man who can give them what they want.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I don't think there's anything at all wrong with either a man or a woman keeping their options open. I know plenty of divorced folks of both sexes who are enjoying the single life and have zero desire to settle down again to marriage, or even commitment. There's nothing unfair in that at all. 

What would be unfair is if any of those people were in any way less than honest with their prospective partners about what they were looking for. As long as you let your lady friends know, upfront and very clearly, that you're not looking for a committed (Or perhaps not even monogamous? I'm not sure from your OP.) relationship and are not willing to be in one with them, then they have the option to spend their time with you or not. No harm, no foul. It's stringing people along, being dishonest about your level of commitment, or dangling the prospect of maybe-some-day out for a woman you know wants a relationship with you, that would be unfair. Be fair and honest, and let the women you see decide for themselves if they're interested in what you're willing to offer. Expect the same from them.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Life isn't fair, so too bad for them. No doubt they've dumped or rejected a lot of men when they weren't ready to commit, so the complaint is empty. As men get older (and if they're reasonably attractive and employed), they begin to have more options. It's reversed when younger, and they probably took advantage of that at the time.

Anyway, I think you're right. Enjoy your freedom for now; just act ethically by not leading anyone on. Eventually, you may find someone truly special, or you just want the security of a long term relationship - that's when you can choose to commit.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I've heard that, actually before I left my ex that is all I would hear around TAM, but I still had tons of options, more than the men in their mid 40s- early 50s. 

The men may have more options than when they were 20 but the women's option haven't gone down. Mine actually went up. Way more quality men to pick from now. 

Both genders will be just fine looking for a someone who suits them. There's no need for anyone to settle for less than what they need.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I've heard the same thing as you. Enjoy your freedom and don't commit to anyone unless they are a great fit and make your life significantly better than it is right now.


----------



## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Thanks all for your replies! I want to say, I have been VERY open with my goals and desires, what happens is after a bit, they change what outcome they want, guess I am just to loveable...  

I asked the question because it seems like I ran into a few people all at the same time, that had the feeling that I was unfair, not polite, not a good person, because I didnt see it their way, so thought I would check my feelings to see if I am justified in what I feel.

When I was younger, women all called the shots, not so much anymore, think that is more of the struggle for them.


----------



## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

As long as you are being upfront with your expectations of the relationship, I see no issues with what you are doing. 

Those who feel it is "unfair" are most likely upset that they were not selected by someone _they_ had determined to be a viable dating candidate.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's absolutely your life to live as you choose. If other people don't like it -- too bad for them. I'm older than you and a female but there's no possibility I will ever marry again or even have a serious relationship. I prefer casual dating and I make sure anyone I date knows that up front. If they don't like that then I'm not the person for them to spend time with. 

Sounds like your gf is still unhappy you won't advance the relationship.


----------



## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

Feel no guilt, you have done nothing wrong here apart from the right thing, you were a family man but in the modern world we inhabit some wives don't think this is enough, **** them all, you do what your gut tells, you have been hurt, healing might never happen, go for what you need not what others want from you.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Formally known as Hoosier said:


> Thanks all for your replies! I want to say, I have been VERY open with my goals and desires, what happens is after a bit, they change what outcome they want, guess I am just to loveable...
> 
> I asked the question because it seems like I ran into a few people all at the same time, that had the feeling that I was unfair, not polite, not a good person, because I didnt see it their way, so thought I would check my feelings to see if I am justified in what I feel.
> 
> When I was younger, women all called the shots, not so much anymore, think that is more of the struggle for them.


Everyone still calls the shots. If a woman doesn't want a no strings attached she simply says no and moves on to the next. We haven't lost any power. 

IMO you feeling as though this makes you somehow more "shot calling" or powerful in some way isn't a very healthy mindset and could be leading to the women being confused about your true intentions. 

If you seem to enjoy a woman falling for you and then being able to say no to her, even unintentionally you may be giving mixed signals and leading them on. Just saying you don't want a relationship but then acting in ways that counter that are going to lead to people being upset. Or the whole 'I don't want commitment unless it's with the right woman" thing well, if you continue to date and have a relationship with her she's going to assume you think she's the right woman. You left the door open for mixed signals. 

It's not a woman thing or that we don't call the shots or that you're too lovable and they just fall for you. Everyone needs to be super clear about what a relationship is and isn't. Any maybes or we'll sees or if you really treat me good and I fall for yous are crappy IMO. 
Telling a woman this is strictly a NSA relationship that will never amount to anything more, have at it. Everyone gets to make their own choices.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Formally known as Hoosier said:


> Hello, and my title is not really my question,,,sort of.
> 
> I recently have had a few conversations, one of the people was my daughter in CA, in which the women expressed the same general feelings. They think it is unfair that a man who has options in the dating world wont settle for one woman, "just because he doesnt have to" some how having options is "unfair".
> 
> I was married for 30 years. During that time I was extremely loyal, putting my family first (not complaining at all, that is what I wanted) I worked 70 hours a week for over a decade, only taking time off for family things (think I am a good father, in that all three of my adult daughters call me regularly, see me when they can) to get my business established. Wouldnt you know it that 6 months after I passed the finish line (business all paid for) I discover my xw is having an A with a mutual friend. As such I have been unwilling to committ to another, which has caused more than one upset female. My current gf said, as many have said, that it is unfair that mature men like myself, are reluctant to settle down because they know that they have a lot of options on the dating market. She (and others) have basically said, " Guys are crap, they know that they have a lot of opportunities with multiple women so they are unwilling to settle down, it is so unfair." For me, I think, "I have worked extremely hard all my life to get to where I am, a guy with a lot of flex time, a little money to do with what he wants, not rich by any means but ok, who enjoys the company of women, and they with him, and so not wanting to (and maybe never again) settle down I like to keep my options open, until someone really steals my heart, which I dont think will ever happen again. (I realize that I am broken this way) I dont want to settle, I am truely enjoying my life. The depression from the divorce is all but gone, I enjoy my alone time a lot, dont need another to be happy, to be fulfilled. I guess I am really just a ***** dog if you go by what they say. What say you?



I think to each his own, I wouldn't let it bother me. There are women who have been through similar, my aunt is one of them, although she is dating the same guy for many years, she says she will never get married. My mum is the same, she says men her age only want a maid! >


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

You had a 30 year relationship go down the tubes. Right now, you feel like playing the field. So what? Have fun and be honest. If they call you crappy, oh well. Remember, there are men and women out there who go into relationships thinking they can change the outcome or the people they are dating. They tend to say bitter things like "that's why women are tramps" and "all men are dogs." It can be true, until you apply it to the entire gender. Then it is bitterness. Unless you are acting this way, don't listen.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

IMHO, I see no value in marriage for a man in your position. its a piece of paper that has no value in real life except to take half of you ****.

they see security and power once you marry half of everything is theirs. and they will leverage it to the max....no thanks.

enjoy yourself.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

The only thing we owe anyone else is honesty, outside of that there are no other obligations. Also despite what some of the women are saying, in fact for probably the first time in your life it is you who is calling the shots. Because now you understand that you do not need a woman. The fairy tale has been exposed for the lie that it is. Good for you! I have had similar experiences. Yes, there are some women who desire commitment. Hopefully they will find a man willing to give it to them and vice versa. But there are also many of us who have been thru the hell of divorce after a long time marriage that simply want nothing further to do with the institution.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

As far as I am concerned, all that is required is honesty. If you want to date multiple women, that's fine as long as you don't make them think you have different intentions. 

As long as no one is harmed and no one is deceived, anything you want out of dating, as long as you recognize that some desires will reduce the number of interested women. 

Women are free to date on not date you based on your honest indications of your desires.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Marriage and commitment are not the same thing to me. I'll never get married but that doesn't mean I wasn't looking for a committed, life long relationship. 

If I tell someone I don't want to get married it doesn't mean I'm saying I'm not going to commit or have a serious relationship


----------



## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

There is nothing wrong with being honest and saying you want company but not exclusive commitment, these days it is fairly standard. As long as you are honest upfront then any woman you date has the choice to enjoy your company or pass and go to the next.

I don't quite understand why you think this is such a gender specific thing and why men have more options than women. this is absolutely not the experience I had or my friends around me. Women have plenty of options and trust me many post divorce women want fun not another full time relationship. 

I had more than enough options and TBH all the power. Being mid 40's, full financially self sufficient (much higher assets than most of the men in the age group I was looking for, 50 plus), attractive etc then I had my pick of who I would have as a FWB. Of course not wanting to meet Mr Amazing meant I actually did  Yeah I thought I wanted to play the field for years but when you meet the right person life changes.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

MrsHolland said:


> There is nothing wrong with being honest and saying you want company but not exclusive commitment, these days it is fairly standard. As long as you are honest upfront then any woman you date has the choice to enjoy your company or pass and go to the next.
> 
> I don't quite understand why you think this is such a gender specific thing and why men have more options than women. this is absolutely not the experience I had or my friends around me. Women have plenty of options and trust me many post divorce women want fun not another full time relationship.
> 
> I had more than enough options and TBH all the power. Being mid 40's, full financially self sufficient (much higher assets than most of the men in the age group I was looking for, 50 plus), attractive etc then I had my pick of who I would have as a FWB. Of course not wanting to meet Mr Amazing meant I actually did  Yeah I thought I wanted to play the field for years but when you meet the right person life changes.


I actually think that as you learn from your experiences you come to the conclusion that only you can make you happy and anybody else that happens to come along for the ride is by your choice (ie power). Regardless of whether it is a man or a woman, as you experience life you start to understand you really do have control over your own happiness. Sadly some people never learn this lesson and bounce from relationship to relationship settling for whatever come their way.


----------



## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I have always been able to afford a convertible since I was 18 and yet never bought one. There were two reasons why. The first is that I lived in a place that had short summers. My current reason is that I live in Florida and we get rain just about every day for half of the year. My wife and I would go into a store and come out to see the ground wet from a shower. It would just be a hassle to have to close the toe every time we went indoors.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Formally known as Hoosier said:


> I asked the question because it seems like I ran into a few people all at the same time, that had the feeling that I was unfair, not polite, not a good person, because I didnt see it their way, so thought I would check my feelings to see if I am justified in what I feel.
> 
> *When I was younger, women all called the shots*, not so much anymore, think that is more of the struggle for them.


 Were these people all women or did you get that same viewpoint from a man as well?
I'd say ,why are you worried what anyone else thinks? Sounds like people who shouldn't be involved are trying to guilt you into a serious relationship when you aren't ready/looking for one. Screw 'em their opinion shouldn't matter to you.
As for the bolded, TRUTH!


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Ynot said:


> I actually think that as you learn from your experiences you come to the conclusion that only you can make you happy and anybody else that happens to come along for the ride is by your choice (ie power). Regardless of whether it is a man or a woman, as you experience life you start to understand you really do have control over your own happiness. Sadly some people never learn this lesson and bounce from relationship to relationship settling for whatever come their way.


So true. I love my alone time. My house to myself. My single freedoms. Anyone who I would be with had to be better then my love of being on my own. And that's a tough order. I'm a severe introvert so I didn't need to be around people. I've had all the kids I want, have my own money and life. I just don't need anyone. 
I could be single forever and be happy. 

I've known so many people who just need someone. Anyone.


----------



## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Formally known as Hoosier said:


> When I was younger, women all called the shots, not so much anymore, think that is more of the struggle for them.


Women called all the shots when you were younger only because _you allowed it_.

I don't observe one gender struggling any more than the other in the dating world. For people that do struggle, it's likely because of their expectations and/or attitudes.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> So true. I love my alone time. My house to myself. My single freedoms. Anyone who I would be with had to be better then my love of being on my own. And that's a tough order. I'm a severe introvert so I didn't need to be around people. I've had all the kids I want, have my own money and life. I just don't need anyone.
> I could be single forever and be happy.
> 
> I've known so many people who just need someone. Anyone.


I agree with you, my quiet time is precious. At this point in my life I say the only way I could ever be married again is if we lived in a duplex, she has her side and I have mine, and even that may be to much for me! lol

To answer the OP's question. As a single person you can spend your money how you chose, and do as you wish when you wish, as long as you're honest with the people in your life what you do is your business, if they don't approve that's their issue, not yours.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

There's nothing wrong with living life the way you want. 

Just don't paint an illusion for the women you date. Be honest and upfront. Women who are sensible and want a committed relationship will steer clear of you.


----------



## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

"women who are sensible will steer clear of you"...............lol


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Formally known as Hoosier said:


> Thanks all for your replies! I want to say, I have been VERY open with my goals and desires, what happens is after a bit, they change what outcome they want, guess I am just to loveable...
> 
> I asked the question because it seems like I ran into a few people all at the same time, that had the feeling that I was unfair, not polite, not a good person, because I didnt see it their way, so thought I would check my feelings to see if I am justified in what I feel.
> 
> When I was younger, women all called the shots, not so much anymore, think that is more of the struggle for them.


This has been my experience as well. I also know for me personally dating is much easier now than when I was younger due to more confidence and money. I have heard on more than one occasion I am afraid of commitment which is not true. I just evaluate things on a risk vs reward system and marriage is just a gamble I am unwilling to take at this time. But commitment to one woman has never been an issue for me, I actually prefer it. But I won't rush a commitment and I'm also perfectly fine just dating and having fun or being single.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Formally known as Hoosier said:


> "women who are sensible will steer clear of you"...............lol


You missed the contextual part of the quote: "...and want a committed relationship."


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Sounds a lot like Men are a commodity. Whenever a man takes him self out of the market, it is unfair to the women. Staying single, playing the field, MGTOW, It's all an affront to women because it is one less choice on the shelf.

The other side of the coin is that these women have invested time and emotion into what they had hoped would be a relationship, only to be cut off before the finish line. That is unfair. It is unfair if he leads her to believe she has a chance. But, it is also unfair if he tells her upfront that he has no intentions, because no matter what any man says, every woman secretly believes that she will be the special one that can get the commitment. 

While honesty is admirable, it frequently doesn't override preconceived notions.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Mr. Nail said:


> Sounds a lot like Men are a commodity. Whenever a man takes him self out of the market, it is unfair to the women. Staying single, playing the field, MGTOW, It's all an affront to women because it is one less choice on the shelf.
> 
> The other side of the coin is that these women have invested time and emotion into what they had hoped would be a relationship, only to be cut off before the finish line. That is unfair. It is unfair if he leads her to believe she has a chance. But, it is also unfair if he tells her upfront that he has no intentions, because no matter what any man says, every woman secretly believes that she will be the special one that can get the commitment.
> 
> *While honesty is admirable, it frequently doesn't override preconceived notions.*


It's not enough to be honest with your words but also honest with your actions and behaviors. 

Do you monopolize any of these women's time? ie Regularly encouraging them to stay the whole weekend at your place.

Do you bristle when a woman is not available when you call or when you ask her for a date?

Do you get annoyed when it's revealed that she was out with another man?

Do you privilege one or more of your dates with information about the other women that you date?

There are probably some other markers that suggest that you want more ...... even when you say that you want less.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

When I was dating, I was pretty clear about what I wanted and expected from my next relationship.
I'd watch men's actions and through those, would be able to tell pretty quickly whether he was looking for something long term as well or just "Ms. Right Now."

Very, very often, men I dated would say they wanted a long term, committed relationship, but they did not live like that's what they wanted. I think that in a way they were struggling to accept what they really wanted. Or maybe they were saying what they knew a woman like myself wanted to hear. They couldn't be honest with themselves, perhaps due to pressure on them from friends, family, peers... to be married. They couldn't be honest with me... and as my avatar says, truth has no agenda. I'm only taking a guess as to the reasons.

I'd been married once before so I knew precisely what I wanted after coming out of that relationship. A lot of men I dated ran from me scared... not literally, but I was ghosted a LOT. I never took it personally and I actually appreciated that they steered clear of me. I was aware that a man who seemed to like me would likely connect his enjoyment with the level of "fun" we had together on dates. Careful men would listen to my stories and enjoy telling me about themselves (reciprocal communication). I met many upstanding men while dating, I met some confused men unsure of what they wanted (but still upstanding), and I met some real works in progress that either wanted a woman to cook/clean for them (like mommy used to do) or simply for sex and fun times ("bouncy castle" dates). I didn't judge any of them for what they wanted, but I stood up for what I wanted, too... and if the two wants didn't match well enough, I'd say thanks for the good times and bow out with the most grace I could muster.

I simply do not believe in wasting anyone's time, and that includes my own. Sometimes we are in a phase of our lives where all we want is sex and fun times. It's too soon to get "serious." There's nothing wrong with that, provided your date understands that's the end goal and there isn't anything to be expected beyond that. Yes, many women will hope that IF they are awesome enough (women are very astute at molding themselves to meet men's desires) then the man will want her in his life indefinitely. I have a problem with this reasoning from women, because IMO it is the exact wrong way to go about finding a compatible man. Either be yourself or stop trying to date, but don't twist yourself into a pretzel and play the pick me dance... don't compromise on the things you need so that you can "get" a man in your life.

Some men will change when they find a good woman, others will most definitely not. My decision was to find a man who already knew that a long term relationship was what he wanted. I would call him a "ready man". Otherwise, being with an uncertain man would be an enormous gamble for my emotional state... not to mention my self-respect. I wasn't interested in risking my future on a hope. I needed something more substantial than that.

I value that there are all sorts in this world, but what really irks me is when someone is used as a guinea pig so the other can figure out "what they want." Figure that out first before you start dating. I think that will allow you to more easily find what you really want. That's really all I would ask of anyone who is trying to engage again in relationships. Figure yourself out and then live by what you want.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Mr. Nail said:


> While honesty is admirable, it frequently doesn't override preconceived notions.


If someone has preconceived notions or delusional expectations, that's not my problem. I try to provide honest information and even repeat it (in various ways) if it seems the message isn't received, but I have no further obligation. I will take myself out of situations where I am expected to behave in a manner contrary to my interests and stated objectives.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

@FormallyknownasHoosier

Here'e a song for you:


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

IMO unless you find a 10 that's loaded what would marriage get you?

Nothing!!!!

Has the OM kicked the bucket yet?


----------



## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

He has not kicked the bucket yet, but as time goes by I like that idea of him being alive even better! I have had zero contact with the OM, the last time I saw him was July 2011, when he put his arm around me and a tap before he went home for the evening (over visiting, I just didnt realize at the time how familiar he was with the place..lol) he has hidden since then. I know her, she resents him and he may or may not know it. He does not allow her to have a cell phone, they have no land line, no internet, live in the country, so he is keeping his eye on her and I know that bugs him! They are perfect for each other, both are probably miserable, I do not know and that suits me just fine.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Formally known as Hoosier said:


> He has not kicked the bucket yet, but as time goes by I like that idea of him being alive even better! I have had zero contact with the OM, the last time I saw him was July 2011, when he put his arm around me and a tap before he went home for the evening (over visiting, I just didnt realize at the time how familiar he was with the place..lol) he has hidden since then. I know her, she resents him and he may or may not know it. He does not allow her to have a cell phone, they have no land line, no internet, live in the country, so he is keeping his eye on her and I know that bugs him! They are perfect for each other, both are probably miserable, I do not know and that suits me just fine.


Hagaha well she is a cheater and we all know they can't be trusted. >


----------

