# What do you expect your spouse to talk to you about?



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Simple question really...are there certain things that you expect your spouse to talk to you about? Are there details that are OK for your spouse not to share with you?

How about topics such as -

- what they did at work that day (even if uneventful )
- what they talked about during a phone call you overheard (say you were sitting next to them the whole time and could tell the call was somehow exciting or out of the norm)
- if they had a doctors appt, would you expect to know about it beforehand? Would you expect to know results?
- if they were looking for a new job, applied for a new job, and/or secured an interview for a new job?
- if they ran into a mutual friend or family member out of the norm, would you expect to hear about it? Would it make you upset if they didn't tell you and you found out some other way? Let's say you saw that person yourself a few days later and they mentioned the nice chat they had with your spouse, that you knew nothing about.
- if your spouse made plans with their friends for any type of outing that didn't include you? (Bearing in mind you have kids and would need to coordinate childcare )
- if your spouse was intending to stay late at work or WAS staying late at work and you were expecting them home at a certain time?
- if they made a trip to the store without asking if you need them to pick something up?
- if your kid did something really spectacular, do you expect them to share with you?

These are just a few examples...trying to get a feel for the barometer of what should be expected vs. what is expecting too much.

What about bigger things like their hopes, dreams, fears, career goals, life goals. Do you expect open discussions about all of these things? 

Keeping in mind everyone has a different personality and a different comfort level with sharing personal stuff, what is a reasonable level of communication to expect? What if it appears that your spouse chooses to share more of their life (from the most mundane to the bigger aspirations ) with everyone but you? Do you get upset then? And how would you handle that? To be clear - not talking about an EA with a single person, what if your spouse could talk to any waiter or store clerk about these things just chit-chatting but is a closed book with you.
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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

That would drive me nuts. The whole.. being able to share with a stranger but not with me thing. as far as the other things listed goes... if I want details ill ask... I will let him know I'm curious about the details.... however he does tend to talk about work a lot lol. There are some things he forgets to tell me until a few days or weeks later...
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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

kag123 said:


> What about bigger things like their hopes, dreams, fears, career goals, life goals. Do you expect open discussions about all of these things?


 I feel like this is the essence of being married. In fact, if you used to discuss these things, and you don't any more, it's time to start talking about them again.



> - what they did at work that day (even if uneventful )


Yes, my husband and I spend about an hour each day discussing what we did all day when we were apart. We also (now) touch base at least 1 to 4 times during the day, via text or phone



> what they talked about during a phone call you overheard (say you were sitting next to them the whole time and could tell the call was somehow exciting or out of the norm)


Yes, my H would tell me this unbidden, and I would likewise



> if they had a doctors appt, would you expect to know about it beforehand? Would you expect to know results?


My H sometimes tells me he's got one. I usually tell him after the fact, not because I'm hiding anything but because I don't think about it. If I had tests done, and there was a concern that they weren't normal, I would tell him before and after, he likewise.



> if they were looking for a new job, applied for a new job, and/or secured an interview for a new job?


I would hear every single detail about this, whether I wanted to or not :rofl:




> if they ran into a mutual friend or family member out of the norm, would you expect to hear about it? Would it make you upset if they didn't tell you and you found out some other way? Let's say you saw that person yourself a few days later and they mentioned the nice chat they had with your spouse, that you knew nothing about.


Sometimes my H and I would forget to mention this and would just say, oh I forgot to tell you. But probably, because we do talk so much each day, we'd mention it soon after it happened.



> if your spouse made plans with their friends for any type of outing that didn't include you? (Bearing in mind you have kids and would need to coordinate childcare )


Yes, my H always tells me this stuff. When we first had kids and he wasn't used to coordinating schedules, he might not recall that I didn't know about the outing until the last minute. Another thing that happens is he tells me super far in advance and then never reminds me again, which sometimes is just as bad as never telling me, lol.




> if your spouse was intending to stay late at work or WAS staying late at work and you were expecting them home at a certain time?


This one, not a good track record b/c of the nature of his work. Sometimes randomly must stay late to finish work. Always bad about calling to say he'd leave and then taking as much as an hour to get to the car b/c he'd get sucked into phone calls and meetings. Major, major fights over this one. Still creates issues because of his time management.



> if they made a trip to the store without asking if you need them to pick something up?


Maybe we just have lots of stores that are very close, but we do this all the time and never mention it at all. Occasionally we'll ask if the other wants something.



> if your kid did something really spectacular, do you expect them to share with you?


Yes.




> What if it appears that your spouse chooses to share more of their life (from the most mundane to the bigger aspirations ) with everyone but you? Do you get upset then? And how would you handle that? To be clear - not talking about an EA with a single person, what if your spouse could talk to any waiter or store clerk about these things just chit-chatting but is a closed book with you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would feel profoundly hurt and shut out of his life.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I don't think in a conversation with my husband any detail is too small to be shared if he wanted to share it with me. 

We talk about the big stuff (politics, current events, life plans, career plans) and the small stuff (office politics, family drama, friends, plans for the weekend, movies/tv/music....)

Deliberately hiding information is troubling. If he genuinely forgets a detail that's a different story. I look more for a regular pattern in the communication rather than isolated incidents here and there. I also make allowances for my husband's "male" memory. I can remember details very well down to what a person was wearing but he, not so much. 

My answers in bold..

- what they did at work that day (even if uneventful )
*Whatever he wants to share..*

- what they talked about during a phone call you overheard (say you were sitting next to them the whole time and could tell the call was somehow exciting or out of the norm)
*Yes, I would be curious about the call..*

- if they had a doctors appt, would you expect to know about it beforehand? Would you expect to know results?
*YES! This is a biggie for me. I'd be surprised if he made a doctor's appointment on his own though. He usually has to be on death's door before he goes to a doctor.*

- if they were looking for a new job, applied for a new job, and/or secured an interview for a new job?
*Absolutely, I expect to know this*

- if they ran into a mutual friend or family member out of the norm, would you expect to hear about it? Would it make you upset if they didn't tell you and you found out some other way?
*No, wouldn't bother me. *

Let's say you saw that person yourself a few days later and they mentioned the nice chat they had with your spouse, that you knew nothing about.
*No, I wouldn't be bothered. It's not like he set up a secret meeting with the person.*

- if your spouse made plans with their friends for any type of outing that didn't include you? (Bearing in mind you have kids and would need to coordinate childcare )
*Yes, I would want to know ahead of time what his plans are..*

- if your spouse was intending to stay late at work or WAS staying late at work and you were expecting them home at a certain time?
*I'd expect a phone call and at the worst, at least a text and a possible time he might be coming home. *

- if they made a trip to the store without asking if you need them to pick something up?
*No big deal. I don't need to know things like this. I make trips to the stores all the time without asking him if he wants something.*

- if your kid did something really spectacular, do you expect them to share with you?
*Yes! I love hearing about those kinds of moments*


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *kag123 said*: What about bigger things like their hopes, dreams, fears, career goals, life goals. Do you expect open discussions about all of these things?


 This is absolutely PARAMOUNT while dating to learn if a couple is truly compatible for a LIFE of harmony together ......we should be able to spell the answers of the other out & envision ourselves as a happy helpmate while accomplishing hand in hand... on the same page. 

And after the vows, keeping this communication flowing through every season of our lives together as husband & wife. 

This is how it IS in our marraige....Me & my husband have a *willing* Transparency in all things.....there is nothing he can't bring to me (or would hesitate) in conversation... I also feel this freedom with him....both of us run to each other 1st.....

We share......The good, the bad, the ugly, the juicy, the Funny, rumors we've heard, his bad moments at work, even the things the guys talk about....I probably know more about some of those men than their wives do- since I get the locker-room spill......but it all stays between US of course.....

I often share conversations I've had on this forum, asking his opinion on different threads, we entertain the WHAT IF's of life..... We tell each other about FB posts we've read, talk about our friends, Politics, we question each other....discuss things we hear on the news, who we run into , what was said- if interesting, If we heard a love song on the radio ...

We talk about our kids, their friends, thier futures, their love lives, future vacations we want to take, projects we plan to tackle. I schedule every appointment, nothing would ever be hidden related to our health. 

We both ENJOY that the other wants to share. Neither of us are obsessive talkers, I mean, I can easily YAK more than my husband.....but he tells me I am always interesting so he's never had a desire to shut me up or shut me out. 

All this sharing allows us to grow together.... it entertains us.... it challenges us.... it halfs our sorrows-because we have each other to hold onto.... it brings much laughter into our homes...it also sets a good example for our children ....the value of honest heartfelt communication within a marraige.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

There are different levels of detail that people are comfortable with sharing. I think over time, the detail should increase. Rather than respond to the specifics, I'll focus on the generic:



> Are there details that are OK for your spouse not to share with you?


I think that question depends on why they are not sharing. If she is sharing details with others and not with you, that's a problem. But what she shares may be influenced by how you react when she does share. If it becomes a question & answer, depending on how the questions are phrased, it can lead to defensiveness.

Talking to a waiter or store clerk (chit chatting), even if the topic is "deep" (bigger aspirations), she is free from judgement or subsequent questions. If the topic is personal, it's still short and doesn't affect the relationship with the clerk because there is none.

Do you allow her to just talk? If she says something that bothers you, how do you react? If she "forgets" to tell you something, how big of an issue to you make it?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I would expect my spouse to share everything with me... that's part of marriage.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Elegirl said*: I would expect my spouse to share everything with me... that's part of marriage.


 I feel the same. 

The other day we had old friends sitting in our living room, now mind you, we talk very openly with our friends...known her since 2nd grade & him since our teens. They have shared some of the darkest times in thier marraige with us, we are their most trusted friends. 

The husband was going on about ...what WE SHARE with other people in our lives ....what others KNOW about us... comparing this to the layers on an onion.....

We share so much with acquaintenances (remove a layer), so much with our co-workers (remove another layer), family members (another layer), our close friends (another layer), our children.... then our spouse knowing the *deeper* things that noone else in this world knows, our secrets.... then he added .....

.....and there are some things we just keep to ourselves that NOBODY KNOWS, we don't share it all, it is just reserved for us....not even our spouses.....(he wasn't meaning things he DID, it was more related to things he FEELS, thoughts, etc)... and I piped up..."Honestly, I believe I share it all... with him" looking at my husband across the room....

and he jumped in with a  saying... "Yep, she does"... now this friend wasn't surpised by this by any means... HE's known US forever. But he did say....."that is a very rare thing to find even in Marriage"...and sitting in front of his wife, he admitted she doesn't know every corner of his mind....that deep core in the onion.... it has no bearing on his marriage, his faithfulness, commitment, but some things are reserved just for him. And of course, she was COOL with that. Most are !

I just can't say there is anything my husband doesn't know about me that I have consciously HELD BACK on...even in my feelings. 

But he has made that very very easy to do, God Bless him!

Some may say there is no "mystery" there but ....it hasn't hampered us.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Thanks. This has reinforced to me that I have basically reasonable expectations for what a marriage should be, communication-wise.

My H doesn't talk to me about anything, ever. If I ask questions, even just to try to start a conversation, its met with quick one word responses - "yea", "Nope", "why?"

He's never been much of a talker since day one. In our dating days he was much more open with me, but I missed a glaring red flag before we got married. His mom has always told me he is a closed book. He never shares anything about his personal life with his parents. At the time I could understand this behavior...we were young when we met when parents were still meddling in our business and had that teenage mentality of not wanting them to keep tabs on us all the time. But I think deep down I knew his dynamic was a little different. His parents told me stories of not even knowing that he had applied to go to college until they found the acceptance letter hidden in his room one day a month before the fall semester started. He didn't even tell them when he left for college, just packed his car one day and left. He even studied abroad for a year in europe and didn't tell them until the day before he left that he was going (even though he had planned it for years and knew for months...). 

So, now I am starting to feel like I am shut out of his life too. I have felt that way for a long time but it keeps getting progressively worse. I don't have any reason to suspect there's anything shady going on, but he just withholds everything. Even the most mundane information.

A couple of examples - 

- I called him in the afternoon at work the other day and left him a message since he wasn't in the office. No big seal, except that I literally never call him at work unless its something important. We dont just chat thru our day. At home that evening I just mentioned - did you ever listen to my message? Oh, I didn't get it because I took a half day off of work today to go to the doctor for an eye exam. I have been home since 3:00pm. Just strange. He even told me he asked off of work two weeks ago for this appt (his company is pretty inflexible with leave) and never once mentioned it to me. If it were an isolated incident, sure people forget. But this is common.

- I overheard a phone convo he took with a work colleague last night, in which it was apparent that the colleagues company was going to offer him an interview. When he got off the phone I asked him about it. He said so nonchalant, oh yea I put a bunch of resumes out a few weeks ago. Didn't know he'd been looking, didn't know he had a resume put together. I doubt I would have known about the interview either unless I happened to be standing there when he took that call. It is very likely I would not have known about any new nob he gets until the day before he starts it.

I feel like I have tried everything to make our relationship a safe place for him to open up and he just doesn't. I am at the point where I feel like I am done trying. I don't have an interest in being roommates and living a one sided marriage. I used to share a lot of myself openly with him but I have cut way back, because he would respond with one word answers or act disinterested. I didn't feel comfortable being vulnerable with him when he reacts that way. I have started taking steps backwards away from being emotionally intimate with him and don't know if we can move forward from here.

I just feel profoundly hurt whenever he shares things with others and not with me. What I know of him these days is only bits and pieces that I catch when he's talking to someone else or by finding clues around the house like open mail or receipts.

Oh, and I have tried talking about this with him. I get no response, except being made to feel that I am annoying him for trying. I have learned that the more I talk, the more he withdraws, so there is no use in trying. If I step back and allow him to come to me, the results are spotty at best. He will usually only talk to me about things that are absolutely necessary like bills or the kids. Even that is not reliable, he will easily make decisions without consulting me at all. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I'm sorry you're going through this.

It sounds like he is a "closed book" only with the people who are supposed to be close to him--parents growing up/family, now you. But he easily talks to people outside his home about things.

It sounds like it's an ingrained default M.O. that's always "worked" for him. But it doesn't work so well if someone's married and thus emotionally responsible to another person.

The problem is that right now it's not working for YOU, and it's still "working" for him; he still gets to do whatever he wants. 

I don't know, maybe letting him know you understand his need for independence and respect his ability to make decisions, and that you would like the same understanding of your need to be informed and respect for that need, might open things up and let him know what's important? 

My husband, too, was used to certain ways of dealing/communicating/operating that had 'worked' for him his whole life, in all kinds of context--just not marriage and family. He's stubborn, but he is gradually capable of adjusting.


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## dwaynewilliams (Feb 1, 2010)

My wife feels it is necessary to talk about any and every thing going on in our heads. I personally don't mind either way. We can talk our we can enjoy each other's company in silence. Both are fine for me. But I do know that it is extremely important to my wife and that is why I cooperate.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> I feel like I have tried everything to make our relationship a safe place for him to open up and he just doesn't. I am at the point where I feel like I am done trying. I don't have an interest in being roommates and living a one sided marriage. I used to share a lot of myself openly with him but I have cut way back, because he would respond with one word answers or act disinterested. I didn't feel comfortable being vulnerable with him when he reacts that way. I have started taking steps backwards away from being emotionally intimate with him and don't know if we can move forward from here.


 I can whole heartily understand your reaction given what you just described of your husband and his ways, to even have a heads up by his Mother...WOW.

This is likely MORE extreme than your husband is....but there is a personality disorder ...with some of his symptoms, many of these men don't even care for sex though. But intimacy/relationships, they just have little use for, they don't get excited. 

Schizoid Personality Disorder - PsychCentral



> *Symptoms of Schizoid Personality Disorder*
> 
> Schizoid personality disorder is characterized by a pattern of detachment from social relationships and a restricted range of expression of emotions in interpersonal settings, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:
> 
> ...


IS he passionate / enthusiatic about anything? Does he respond to praise?


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I can whole heartily understand your reaction given what you just described of your husband and his ways, to even have a heads up by his Mother...WOW.
> 
> This is likely MORE extreme than your husband is....but there is a personality disorder ...with some of his symptoms, many of these men don't even care for sex though. But intimacy/relationships, they just have little use for, they don't get excited.
> 
> ...


Well, I don't think he's quite that extreme.

He is passionate about his hobbies and his career. He went to schoool for 9 years to do what he does (architect) and during his spare time, he is often following blogs and reading up on things to keep in tune with his career. He enjoys gardening, working on things around the house...mostly solitary activities. He's got friends though. In fact, most of the friends we have now (couples) used to be his guy friends before we got together...so he's got a lot of long term friendships. 

Everyone who meets him and knows him would say he is shy and reserved. I always knew that from the day I met him, but for the first few years he would still come out of his shell and talk to me about things. Then it just kind of stopped one day.

It's always just been strange though, how he omits HUGE facts about his life, the plans he's making and so on and then when we find out (usually by accident, rarely because he tells us) he acts as if it's no big deal. I have never met anyone else quite like him in this regard. Eight years in, and it still catches me off guard pretty frequently.

I can still remember in our dating days...the first time he ever brought me home to meet his family, they had NO IDEA I was coming. I had assumed he had made plans ahead of time with his family - I was coming for dinner after all. It became apparent the moment I walked in the door though that they had no idea who I was, no idea their son had been dating me (for almost a year, no less), and certainly no idea he was bringing a guest to dinner that night...there was no place setting for me at the dinner table! I was so embarassed by that, but luckily his family was very gracious and kind and played it off nicely. Still...awkward!! I don't even remember what his explanation was for it back then, he played it off though as something like oh they must have forgot or miscommunicated, again acting like it was no big deal.

I also remember when we got engaged. He never told his parents he was planning to propose to me or that he bought a ring. I thought they knew. I figured he would have shared that information with them. We came to their house one day with a ring on my finger and they caught glimpse of it, and again it was apparent he never said a word to them about it (or even that he had thought of marrying me, or that we were serious about each other?!). They were shocked. A GOOD shocked, but still definitely was never spoken about beforehand. I remember that I was expecting them to be excited, and kind of having that "we had been waiting for you to share the news" thing going on, and instead I got to watch them digest the pure shock of having heard the news for the first time. It was awkward!

He talks to coworkers all the time, he talks to his friends when we go out - so long as I am not standing anywhere near him. I have become the enemy so it seems. I am not sure what I did to get here, but I can tell you that I have tried a heck of a lot of different things to dig us out of this hole, and it doesn't seem to matter what I do or don't do. 

When I try to discuss it with him, he denies that he does this and he acts like I am making a big deal out of nothing. I have thought about MC or therapy for him but he has absolutely no interest in sharing his life with a therapist, and if he won't talk to them, what is the point in going. They wont help him unless he wants the help.

After this past week, I have pretty much emotionally checked out of the marriage. I am tired of fighting a losing battle. I am tired of taking it personally. I know I am a good person and I do my best to be a good wife to him, but this is just not something that is important to him I suppose and he just doesnt.get.it.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Has he told you he's unwilling to go to MC with you?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My husband used to talk to everyone but me. It used to upset me but now I see my contribution to the problem. He used to talk all the time when we were dating but since we were so different he felt I 'shot him down' when I had an opinion different from his. Also I was selfish and didn't really care. It wasn't until after he withdrew that I wanted him back emotionally.

And yes he was brought up in an emotionally void childhood home which didn't help matters.

Oh and he's also a scorpio and an INTJ personality type. Both are very closed until they trust you.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> My husband used to talk to everyone but me. It used to upset me but now I see my contribution to the problem. He used to talk all the time when we were dating but since we were so different he felt I 'shot him down' when I had an opinion different from his. Also I was selfish and didn't really care. It wasn't until after he withdrew that I wanted him back emotionally.
> 
> And yes he was brought up in an emotionally void childhood home which didn't help matters.
> 
> Oh and he's also a scorpio and an INTJ personality type. Both are very closed until they trust you.


I don't know. For years I have been operating under the assumption that its me, I must be doing something wrong that makes him not want to talk to me. I have spent so much time trying to be introspective and trying various behaviors and nothing that I have tried has made it any better. I am tired of blaming myself and letting his shutting me out affect my feelings of self worth. There are a lot of people in my life who have told me I am easy to talk to and who open up to me freely so how can I be so easy to talk to yet my own husband doesn't think so. 

I know I am at fault somehow since no problem in a marriage is purely one sided. I wish I knew what I was doing wrong so I could work on it and fix it. He wont tell me. In order to have these types of conversations that would fix things, he would first have to be willing to talk to me period...which he has no interest in doing.

I just talked to him regarding the latest two items I mentioned above. Same response as always - I just didn't think to tell you and sorry.

I tried to turn it around and ask him how he would feel if I took steps towards a major life change without consulting him (finding a new job) and he only found out by accident from overhearing a phone conversation. He said "I guess I would be surprised but would just shrug it off."

He doesn't think its important. It doesn't interest him. He doesn't think that things need to be discussed. He doesn't think its a big deal at all if I operate selfishly within the marriage and start making my own decisions without speaking to him. He just doesn't care.

There are a lot of things I have been working on over the years that I know are important to him, that I could live without. I know affection and sex are important to him. I make a very pointed effort to be affectionate and to initiate sex frequently, at least once a day if not more. I could go weeks without touching anyone and be perfectly happy. I do it for him. I never tell him this, because I don't want it to seem like I am throwing this back in his face. But it all feels one sided. I give and give and give and try to improve myself (the reason I came here in the first place....I can tell you he would never think to read a forum or a book about marriage) and he coasts along as usual.

He told me regarding MC - "He would go if I felt I needed it, to support me, as long as he doesn't have to talk to the counselor." What would the point in that be? And I find that so offensive. He is basically saying, in so many words, that any problem we must have is my problem and he has no part in it.

I am just done. Done doing all the work and heavy lifting while its apparent he doesn't think its necessary to treat me like anything more than a roommate who has sex with him.

I don't know what to do. We have two small kids and it's not easy to walk away from this marriage. I know I can't live the rest of my life with a husband that I have no emotional connection to. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

We tend to talk about everything. There really aren't any things off limits for us. We have always been this way, and wouldn't settle for anything less.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

How frustrating, kag.

If I were you, I would spend some time really thinking about what I want and need, and what I can't live with and without. I'd work it out in my own head if these are personal boundaries that aren't being respected. Then I'd figure out a way to say to him directly what I need and want, and what I'll choose to do if he doesn't want to work with me. And if it's true for you, I'd say that I don't feel like having sex with him when you find out he's not sharing something important with you--not that sex is currency, but the point is that right now this is only YOUR problem. It's not a problem for him, he's not complaining. When you draw and enforce a boundary, you take care of yourself and it becomes the other person's problem. Not having sex would be a problem for him, I'm guessing.

If you really and truly are thinking of walking, then he needs to know. It's fair to him to know that there are consequences to his choices, and it's fair to you that he be honest with you when you ask "Are you willing to adjust/work with me about this? What are you willing to do?" If the answer is "nothing," and you've decided what your next course of action is, then follow through. But that's why I say figure it out in your mind first what you need and want to do.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

kag123 said:


> Simple question really...are there certain things that you expect your spouse to talk to you about? Are there details that are OK for your spouse not to share with you?
> 
> How about topics such as -
> 
> ...


Personally, i dont believe there is a limit to communication with your partner.
You are bonding and learning something new all the time!
What better way to know whos hands your life is in


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

what do my wife and i talk about? absolutely nothing !!! she has NO friends except work friends, if i meet her for dinner that's all she talks about(she got a high position job),she gets home and immediately gets on the phone to her work friends,yes i've checked all female. then she wonders like last night when she blew up on me cause i never talk to her...dah i don't give a happy sh!t about your job.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

67flh said:


> what do my wife and i talk about? absolutely nothing !!! she has NO friends except work friends, if i meet her for dinner that's all she talks about(she got a high position job),she gets home and immediately gets on the phone to her work friends,yes i've checked all female. then she wonders like last night when she blew up on me cause i never talk to her...dah i don't give a happy sh!t about your job.


See, and I don't really understand this POV. 

I try to make sure there is balance when I talk with my H. I know he doesn't want to hear me go on and on about work (I also work in a high stress job with lots going on) but there are times when I wish I could share it with him to get his perspective since he is also career minded and would offer an objective take on it.

I could listen to my H talk about his job all day. I love to hear about the parts of his life that I am not really a part of.

My H only really wants to talk freely if its a fluff topic that has no bearing on either of our lives, like a news story or the latest video game coming out or something to do with baseball or football. I can oblige him and talk about these things to share some common ground, but when there are many glaring issues in our marriage that he gives me the cold shoulder about its hard to want to discuss fluff topics with him.

I often feel like I cannot let loose and forget about major discords in my life until I feel like they are somewhat settled.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

You sound kind of like me and my H. I'm in a constant state of wanting MORE talk and conversation, and I think he's content with the level we have. I just posted about this last night. I felt like he blew me off and didn't support me when I was really excited about something in my work. TIcked me off.

It's ok with me, because those times we do talk I more deeply I really appreciate and connect to him, and I let him know-- without words--how much I appreciate it.

There has to be a give and take. Maybe like my H, yours never learned how to connect with people close to him in a family, even though it's easy to make small talk with friends or strangers.

Try reading the book "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About it," I think the author is Stosny. It opened my eyes to some reasons why some men clam up or shut down, and why some women have a hard time with it. It really helped me handle things with my husband better--and no, he didn't read it. Like yours, he's not inclined to seek out advice or books (until and unless the marriage is on the line).


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