# Confused, hurt and scared!



## cpworld (Jul 31, 2012)

My wife just dropped the "I don't love you anymore" bomb on me yesterday. We are on vacation and I sensed problems and forced her to talk about them. I so love my wife of 10 years and do not want to separate. We also have a lovely 8 year old daughter together. She says she need s her freedom at 39 years old. I don't get it!!!


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

I don't know the dynamics of your relationship or anything but I went through something similar to this with my husband... (I just turned 40 in December and we've been together 20 years) I felt the same way as your wife... I felt like 1/2 my life was over and we're still fighting about the same crap we've fought about, been to MC a couple times, I had dumped my whole body and soul into my marriage and raising kids (we have 3)... I didn't feel like I was getting what I needed or wanted out of my husband and felt emotionally disconnected from him... I even felt the "I love you/care about you but not 'in love' with you" deal... After a year and a half and hours upon hours of talking, my husband and I are finally getting on the same page... He is starting to put more effort into the marriage and I'm trying to put the right effort into it while putting some effort into myself (which I am horrible at)... Like I said, I don't know your marriage situation (been good, had troubles in past or anything) but I've felt the same way as your wife because I felt like I wanted something MORE in life... Maybe if you added details if she gave you any... then people could help you better... I wish you luck


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

My wife use the " I want to be free" on me... two weeks later she still isn't back.

Why the hell would she wreck your vacation doing that. You don't JUST fall out of love in one day.. it has been coming for a bit.

She could at least waited until you guys got home.. WTF!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Has she been seeing someone else? I've been where you are now. My husband grew so distant that I finally had to push him for an explanation the day after Christmas 2006. I got the standard explantation, I love you but I'm not in love with you. My world came to an end, or at least I thought it did. Then, in 2007 I had strong proof that my husband had been seen other women as early as September 2006. Everything became a whole lot clearer at that point.


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## cpworld (Jul 31, 2012)

I sensed were were having some problems and thought it was a good time to initiate discussion while relaxed on vacation so I pretty much forced her to come clean. She has been feeling this way since Christmas and she told me she would give it a year before deciding what to do. She says she is not happy and needs her freedom, that she does not love me any more. She admits it is all her fault and I have done nothing wrong. That I am a great father, good man, good husband and good provider.

Over the past year life has been so busy that we never really had time to sit down and communicate, which neither one of us is any good at anyway. Our work schedules are a little crazy and we go several days not even seeing each other sometimes each week. We both have separate social lives and go out apart with friends often. I think we were missing "adult together time".

My job has been stressful the past year and a half and had caused me to be a little low. I am normally fit but have gained a few pounds and have not exercised like I should be doing. She often pointed that out to me. 

I hope I can convince her to go to counseling with me but the problem is we live in Germany and it is difficult to get a tharapist inexpensively. I think we will try a chaplin on post.

I do not want a separation and I do love my wife very much. I love my family and am worried what the fallout would be for my 8 year old daughter.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You should also look hard for the likely other man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cpworld (Jul 31, 2012)

I do not think another man is involved. I asked her point blank twice and I think she would have come clean. I violated her facebook and there were only some flirty conversations with a few folks and when it came down to the wire she said her husband (me) would not share her.

She did mention that she had looked at other men in that way and did not want to do that.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

That is pretty shallow of her to point out your weight. My wife has 45 lbs on after the kids were born and I never made it an issue. I didn't love her for her weight, I loved her for herself.


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## cpworld (Jul 31, 2012)

I think she is more concerned about me being at a healthy weight.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Now you are defending her.... 

Step back and listen to her words...

People marry for better or worse.... not for fat or skinny


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

cpworld said:


> I do not think another man is involved. I asked her point blank twice and I think she would have come clean. I violated her facebook and there were only some flirty conversations with a few folks and when it came down to the wire she said her husband (me) would not share her.
> 
> She did mention that she had looked at other men in that way and did not want to do that.


My husband also denied infidelity for two years. Even with proof in hand, he still denied it. He kept everything well hid in the beginning. 

You may also want to read _The Five Love Languages_ by Gary Chapman. It could be helpful in getting your wife to fall back in love with you again. The book will help you understand why your wife is finding fault with you. Love is blind. People who are truly in love with someone wouldn't be complaining about their weight.


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## workitout (Jan 24, 2012)

cpworld said:


> I do not think another man is involved. I asked her point blank twice and I think she would have come clean. I violated her facebook and there were only some flirty conversations with a few folks and when it came down to the wire she said her husband (me) would not share her.


OP, I was in your position at about Christmas time.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/38807-thoughts.html

There's my thread. Its a pretty good chronological diary of what I was going through, what was revealed, what I thought, etc. Unfortunately, its in the private section so there's some things you'll need to do if you want to view it, but I don't want to seem like I'm selling you something.

The basics were "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." I asked her numerous times, point blank, if she was seeing someone or even considering seeing someone. She always denied it. She didn't come entirely clean, even when I had evidence.

Maybe she is being honest, but if you spend enough time reading around here, you'll find that *those words usually mean that she's cheating on you.*

Its important for you to know that you're not alone. You're in a place where other people have experienced what you're going through. I rarely checked into the site as I worked on improving myself, but I'll keep my eyes on the thread. People will be there for you.


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

With you giving more details, I can still relate... I didn't have anyone on the side or anything... I just wasn't happy and didn't feel connected with my husband.. He works out of town for 2 weeks at a time (used to be a month at a time) and he comes home for a week... We also had different social lives becuase I have friends that I want to see/ he doesn't like people... The connection just wasn't there anymore... I think you are right, you need some date nights... communication (my husband wasn't very good at communicating through emails)... We are getting better at going on dates, even went to dinner with another couple then went to a movie by ourselves, went for walks and getting better at communicating "affection and flirting" through emails since it's our only means of communicating for 2 weeks at a time....


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## cpworld (Jul 31, 2012)

I am fairly confident there is not another man but my wife says she is becoming interested in other men in general. She denies it but I think she just wants to go out and have a good time. 39 years old, can it be a mid-life crisis? She is giving up a lot for what ever her reasons not to mention the harm it will do to our daughter.

Strange she has never been shallow before about my weight.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

She is looking for something.. 

My wife had only been with two men in her life... mine said I want to be free..and then left

She might be having a midlife meltdown and wants to "try" out other men. I know my wife had said she was curious herself years ago.

Who knows.. we could be WAY off here but she is giving you hints..


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

cpworld said:


> I do not think another man is involved. I asked her point blank twice and I think she would have come clean.


You think wrong. As do most betrayed partners.

If you do nothing else, open your mind to the possibility that there is someone else.

Also realize that you cannot force someone to change the way they think and feel. You stated a couple of times that you don't want the marriage to end, that you still love her, you're concerned about your child and the effect that will have. None of that matters.

It's about what SHE wants. 

There's not much you can do but there's a whole bunch you can't.

Don't do the begging, pleading thing because that's like shooting yourself in the foot.

You can get yourself in shape, not just because she wants that but it's good for you too. And you can start doing some snooping.

And stop asking her questions. 

That's your homework for now.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

lovingsummer said:


> ...and I'm trying to put the right effort into it while putting some effort into myself (which I am horrible at)...


To me, this speaks volumes.

When one doesn't take care of his/her self, one isn't happy...and tends to feel that their spouse isn't doing enough. They may not be. But I wish that people would put their all into making themselves happy before divorcing, as in many cases, this could have a domino effect and really improve marriages.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

cpworld said:


> I do not think another man is involved. I asked her point blank twice and I think she would have come clean. I violated her facebook and there were only some flirty conversations with a few folks and when it came down to the wire she said her husband (me) would not share her.
> 
> She did mention that she had looked at other men in that way and did not want to do that.


Right, because if she WAS seeing someone she would have told you? :sleeping:


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## coachman (Jan 31, 2012)

She is either having an EA or PA. 99.99% guarantee.

She's following the classic script. You are in for a world of pain ahead my friend.

Buckle up and prepare for the worst.


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

MyselfAgain... you are so correct in my situation... Do you read minds???  I feel like that was a big problem of mine (my husband was not doing all he could either so it was a bad time) I was 39 years old, I had done SO much for my marriage and my kids... to try and make for a "happy family"... boy did that bite me in A$$ when I got to be 39... I was miserable, exhausted, wondering if this is all life is suppose to be... the whole 9 yards... I didn't want my husband, kids, family period... I just wanted to RUN far and fast... thankfully, my husband had enough patient to bear with me through my meltdown... I didn't want another man... I wanted myself... I wanted to be happy, I wanted others to care about my happiness the way I cared about theirs... I rarely did anything for myself, bought anything for myself, etc.... I completely lost "me" I had no idea WHAT would make me happy... It's been a long and very bumpy road over the last couple of years but I am learning (sound so stupid to me to say this at 40) to give myself some love, do some things for ME, keeping a "Life is good" journal in which I make myself write down all the POSITVE things I did for the day and the positives my husband's done because I was only leaning toward the "that poor SOB can't get a damn thing right"... He has really been trying to work on the things that I said I needed from him.... I'm halfway through my "40" year it's been better than turning 30...


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## cpworld (Jul 31, 2012)

kindi said:


> You think wrong. As do most betrayed partners.
> 
> If you do nothing else, open your mind to the possibility that there is someone else.
> 
> ...


Got it. Will get into shape, quit asking questions and move forward. Still want to try and go to a counselor together when we are both back home in Germany.


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## cpworld (Jul 31, 2012)

827Aug said:


> My husband also denied infidelity for two years. Even with proof in hand, he still denied it. He kept everything well hid in the beginning.
> 
> You may also want to read _The Five Love Languages_ by Gary Chapman. It could be helpful in getting your wife to fall back in love with you again. The book will help you understand why your wife is finding fault with you. Love is blind. People who are truly in love with someone wouldn't be complaining about their weight.


Yes i just skimmed through the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman and there are many things I can do to fill my wife's emotional tank. I wished I have read this book 8 months ago to begin refilling my wife emotion tank.


I am also trying to keep to the 180 list but these two clash in may ways.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

coachman said:


> She is either having an EA or PA. 99.99% guarantee.
> 
> She's following the classic script. You are in for a world of pain ahead my friend.
> 
> Buckle up and prepare for the worst.


Maybe the OP is being naive about his wife, but at a minimum she is having at least 1 EA if not more. He said so himself...



> I do not think another man is involved. I asked her point blank twice and I think she would have come clean. *I violated her facebook and there were only some flirty conversations with a few folks and when it came down to the wire she said her husband (me) would not share her.*
> 
> She did mention that she had looked at other men in that way and did not want to do that.


That clearly points to highly inappropriate, crossing boundaries communications with other (assumed) men on FB. The EA, although maybe not a classic "monogamous" one, is clearly going on right now.


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## cpworld (Jul 31, 2012)

Ok now I figured out there is another man, at least at the EA level. Should I confront her? I found out by snooping on her ipad and she uses a made up facebook account they share.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

No don't confront her just yet.

Can you go through the messages to figure out if PA happened?

Try to go through her other personal items to gather more evidence, so when you do confront her she won't have a chance to deny or minimize anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cpworld (Jul 31, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cpworld (Jul 31, 2012)

Confronted and she admitted to an EA. said it was in the past but I see a current one going on and am sure it is a PA. Got real mad,, cooled off and we talked. I don't expect working this out now so separation is a definite. Just have t keep it together long enough t work out the details for our daughter's sake. **** this a lot to deal with!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

That sucks  I was hoping she was just feeling like I was... No affair, no other man... just needed to put my priorities back in order and include myself as one of them... I'm truly sorry that it didn't turn out that way... I wish you the best and hope you stay on TAM for support.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

So how many guys in total? Gather more proof incase she tries to bad mouth you, you'll use them to clear your name.

How much would adultery effect the divorce in your state?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cpworld (Jul 31, 2012)

Got the proof it is a full on affair, confronted and the W admitted. That's the end!


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## cpworld (Jul 31, 2012)

cpworld said:


> Got the proof it is a full on affair, confronted and the W admitted. That's the end!


We talked all night. We have a plan to stay in our house together for my daughters sake and for financial reasons. I am taking a job in another city and will be gone 4 nights per week. I am committed to make this happen. I feel I am doing the right thing. I'm hurting big time though. Plus still hanging on to a reconciliation in the future. Sounds stupid but I still love my W very much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

It doesn't sound stupid at all, I would crushed (as most people are/would be) if I found out my H was having an affair. This is the person you love, trust, depend on and she just gave you an emotional "backhand"... I'd say read through this forum for ideas on how the grieving, picking yourself up and dusting off process goes. Take care of yourself.


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## cpworld (Jul 31, 2012)

lovingsummer said:


> It doesn't sound stupid at all, I would crushed (as most people are/would be) if I found out my H was having an affair. This is the person you love, trust, depend on and she just gave you an emotional "backhand"... I'd say read through this forum for ideas on how the grieving, picking yourself up and dusting off process goes. Take care of yourself.


Thanks for the support. I am working the 180 list and plan to see a counselor when I get home. This is by far the toughest thing I have ever experienced. I an devastated, crushed and just plain sad! I will get better but it will take a long time.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Any idea how long this has been going on?


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## cpworld (Jul 31, 2012)

She says A few months. Started as a fling and My W says she loves this guy. He is also married and is leaving his wife. I really can't imagine it really working out ( and of course hope it dosent). I am praying she comes back to me in 6 mo a year whatever. I do love her.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

wtf is wrong with people these days.. do vows mean nothing anymore?


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

Sadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> wtf is wrong with people these days.. do vows mean nothing anymore?


I am wondering the same thing. My STBXH always said stuff like "I read two books, did xyz to improve the marriage" etc, but all he needed to know was this 
"For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, til death do us part"


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## cpworld (Jul 31, 2012)

I brought this up and my W's reply "I loved you when we got married, we just drifted apart". I didn't drift anywhere and with a little work I know we could improve our marriage significantly. My W is being so selfish


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## cpworld (Jul 31, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cpworld (Jul 31, 2012)

Hurting bad. Still two days till my W and daughter fly back to Germany. I go back a week later. Anyway am trying to salvage our vacation for my daughter so am spending all day with my W. tomorrow is my Grandmas memorial service and we have to keep it together. Tough times!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

Wow... talk about overwhelming. Sorry to hear about your Grandma  I hope everything goes "ok" for you during all this. Deep cleansing breaths... and repeat... ALOT!!! Hang in there


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## cpworld (Jul 31, 2012)

I survived the day and taking my W and daughter to the airport to return to Germany tomorrow. I have another 9 days here to visit family and friends. Hope I can relax a little more with the W gone. Still hurting but working the 180!


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