# How do I stop Loving Him?



## kimh (Oct 27, 2013)

Husband of 17 years left me and 2 kids 2 months ago. Filed for divorce immediately. Says he will never return, is like a dog finally let loose off the leash, loves the taste of freedom, doesn't love me, and is doing this for the kids. He said "Get over it, let it go and move on." Looks at me with eyes of hate.

I know that it will just take time, but how do I stop thinking about him? Dreaming that he will want me and our marriage? Wishing that he will come back? In short, how do I accept this and move on? I don't want to love him. There has to be some methods that will help me stop thinking about him. Pls help me... I am so desperate and so tired already.


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

First of all, start looking at him and how he is.. Why would you want to be with someone who would say such horrible things to you? 

He's right about one thing.. He is a dog.. And maybe he got off the "leash" but sounds like he should have been neutered.. 

Even if he stopped loving you, a kind person would have empathy, knowing that he hurt you and that you still had feelings for him.. He wouldn't say "get over it" he'd say, "I'm sorry that I can't be that person for you"

You want what you had.. That illusion, that dream.. And believe you , me.. I get it.. I know that feeling.. But you have to face that the man you THINK you love? Probably doesn't exist.. Hasn't for a long time, if ever.. 

I'm realizing in my own marriage that I made excuses for my H, allowed him to be a selfish, self-centered jerk and told him he was still a good guy, even though he was doing really not good things.. Why? B/c in MY delusion, I hoped he'd wake up, I had faith that he would come to his senses.. Welp, he's just continuing down that same path, and at a faster rate.. 

I had to realize something I knew, but didn't admit to anyone but occasionally myself.. My STBX is a weak coward, who will ALWAYS look for the easy way out.. He cheated, I found out, and he ran away and told everyone that I was a horrible wife.. He HATES being the bad guy, and he's even more angry that I caused HIM to be the bad guy by cheating.. Yup, seriously.. 

You need to sit down, and REALLY think about your X, look at him.. Is he all that great? Doesn't sound like it, from the things he's said to you.. Sounds like he's also a selfish coward who looks for the easy way out.. Sorry..


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

I understand, my ex cheated and left me and my D12 1-1/2 years ago. It's natural that you still have feelings for him, you were together a long time, you loved him up until he left. You can't just shut those feelings off immediately. 

Eventually, you will accept things as they are. I don't know that there's a way to speed that up other than looking at who he is now, what he's become. You'll get angry and that will change your outlook.

What helped me is staying busy, exercising and making sure you get enough sleep. Going through this is brutal. I wish you the best.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

You have a 17 year history with this man. Do not except to wake and know you don't love him, You are human and caring it takes longer than a few days to stop loving someone.
You are not your husband. You actually have feelings. Most importantly you are not alone. We are here to help you, to be with you on this difficult journey.

Realize that your world will be upside down, that you will hurt, but it is normal. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You are going to be fine. 
I think you should familiarize yourself with the 5 stages of loss. You have lost a marriage, a husband, your entire life. It is time to grieve and focus on yourself and children.
Good luck to you


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

I have asked myself that question many times and I am still searching for the answer b/c even though I know who my ex is now, I still love the man that he was and that I thought he would always be. Mine does the same as yours and tells me to move and on and find happiness like he has. It makes me sick that he has turned into this person that cheated on me, then wanted to work on the marriage and then left me again with another OW ... but all of that still doesn't stop me loving him. I will always love him but I have to let him go and that takes a lot of time. I am so sorry you are here and hurting. Lots of love and hugs to you as we all travel this journey.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Two months is a blink of the eye compared to seventeen years. It will take time, a day at a time. And you are likely to experience a roller coaster of emotions. Hope you have family and good friends for support. Don't rule out counseling.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Maneo said:


> Two months is a blink of the eye compared to seventeen years. It will take time, a day at a time. And you are likely to experience a roller coaster of emotions. Hope you have family and good friends for support. *Don't rule out counseling.*


*If I were in your shoes and you have access to it, counselling would do you far more good than harm. Get some recommendations on a good IC, make yourself an appointment and start reclaiming your sanity!

Best of luck to you, my dear!*


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## kimh (Oct 27, 2013)

Thank you so much to all who posted... reading your words have helped to ease the terrible pain that has been weighing me down.

Thank-you again to all who have been so kind as to read my post and take time out of your own lives to respond. I truly appreciate your kindness and generosity of spirit. Blessings to each of you.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

I am going thru the same thing. i love my husband, i loved the man he was when i first married him. i had dreams of the man he could be if he just pulled his head out of his a$$. i am still married but he has checked out of the marriage a long time ago. he is waiting for me to make the decision. he does nothing to make it work. he stayed out all night again, and i am sitting here wondering if he will come home now. 

i am tired of being hurt everyday by this man, i am tired of feeling alone, unwanted and unloved. but the kicker is I still love himi. and i stupidly have hope that he will change even thou for the past 4 years he just increasingly get worse.

i have issues letting go. i am not a quitter, i do not give up. i am the type of person who still has all the baby clothes and toys from all 5 of my children, youngest is 8. and i cant just let go. i also believed that you could work thru anything if you loved a person enough and if you keep talking. well. i am living example that does not work. i cant fix my marriage alone and he doesnt seem to care what he is doing is hurting me and the kids. 

i finally realized just recently that it is not my fault and i am not to blame no matter what he says. i also realized by reading other people posts that i can noti fix him. he is an alcoholic and pa. i just have to figure out how to stop loving him so i can divorce him and move on with my life.

if you find any answers please let me know. i still trying to figure it out. it is nice that i can get online and see that other people have the same problem i have. not that it makes me happy. i hate it and it hurts and i hate to see someone else going thru it but it also helps reading other people answers and suggestions and knowing that i am not alone.

i wish the best for you. i think you will be okay once you "get over it" sorry there are no other words for that. you are probably better not being with a toxic person like that. i know it is hard and i wish i had something better to say to make it better.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Kimh, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's not easy, that's for sure. As someone mentioned, it's going to be an emotional roller coaster - some days will be good, some days will be bad. You're going to have to go through all the stages of grief, and you're going to have to do it on your own time table. Don't let anyone try to rush you through it, and don't try to deny your emotions. If you need to cry, just cry. It will help you get the frustration out, and just remember that the tears will stop eventually.

Focus on taking care of yourself. As a mom, you're probably totally focused on your kids and how they're handling it too, right? That's good, because they need you, but don't forget to take care of yourself. You can't take care of your babies if you don't take care of you first.

I've found that reading self-help books has helped me a lot. For you, I would recommend Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife's Guide to Recovery and Renewal: Vikki Stark: 9780986472107: Amazon.com: Books to start.

And remember, you didn't do anything to cause him to leave. Assuming there were problems in your marriage, of course both parties contribute to that. But HE made the choice to leave, and that's due to HIS issues, not you. Remember that. And ask yourself if you really want a man who would do that. You deserve better than that.

*hugs*


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## kimh (Oct 27, 2013)

MrsVain, I am so sorry that you are going through this as well. Being angry at him is much better than when I am so down b/c I love him.

Right now, I am trying to "capture" every thought of him and banish it before it has a chance to get a place in my mind. I try to replace it immediately with something else - song lyrics, counting backwards, reciting the alphabet (I am a a Kindergarten teacher  Its hard, but it is working, and I think it will get easier with time. I have to do this, b/c thoughts that stay in my mind bring me down, and I can't afford to do that b/c of my kids. They need a strong, positive mom. If I find anything that helps, I'll be sure to let you know. 

FeministInPink, you will never know how much your words mean to me. I struggle with his leaving being my fault, b/c my mom and sisters think that all of this is my fault, and that I caused him to leave (my dad is supportive). He blames me as well, saying that I kicked him out -which I didn't. I guess that is just another way of him shifting the blame to someone else. Thank you again.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Most of us here heal by using the 180. Please try to work on yourselves. It will accelerate your journey to what your new life will be.

A word of caution. Be careful what you wish for. I was so devastated when my WAW left. As I did the 180 and worked on myself, I met a wonderful woman and we fell in love. The curveball came 14 months after D-Day when my WAW wanted to R, and I had done such a good job of moving on, I realized I was not in love with my WAW anymore. I tried for several weeks to try to get that feeling to come back but I fear it is gone for good. Now, I am back to getting torn apart because I love my wife but I am not in love with her and I do not want her to have to endure the pain I had to when she left. What a mess!

I am not telling anyone to do anything, just don't be surprised at how these awful tradgedies can somehow get worse.

Be careful friends,
Stretch


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## kimh (Oct 27, 2013)

I am new to all these acronyms - what is a the 180, and what is WAW? Thanks, Kim


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

I am not sure on the WAW - other than he is referring to his ex-wife or soon to be ex wife.

Below is the 180 - and just so you know WS is the wayward spouse (the cheater or low life who left the marriage) and BS is the Betrayed Spouse. Contrary to what it says below this is not just a way to get the WS back but a way to move on and build yourself up so that you can have a better future.

THE 180's:

180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)

So here's the list:

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
No frequent phone calls.
Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
Don't follow her/him around the house.
Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
Don't ask for reassurances.
Don't buy or give gifts.
Don't schedule dates together.
Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
Don't be overly enthusiastic.
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."


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## GingerAle (Oct 13, 2013)

Sorry to hear that. The list above is perfect. Really try to implement each suggestion. After a while it wont be so raw. Time really heals pain.

GINGER


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Walk Away Wife WAW
Reconcilliation R
D-Day the day they tell you they are leaving or done
Other Woman or Man OW OM
Piece of sh!t pos
daughter age 11 D11

Hope this helps,
Stretch


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