# Reconciling



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

For those of you who have reconciled. What were the biggest hurdles you faced and overcame?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Asking the easy questions today???

First I have to answer with a question, is reconciling ever finished? I'm starting to think not, that it's an ongoing process to keep you and your spouse connected and protect your marriage. Not that a reconciling couple has to spend the rest of their marriage being crushed by triggers and having the heart wrenching discussions that are normal the first couple of years, but kind of an ongoing higher level of attention paid to the relationship and each other. 

Anyway, for me the biggest hurdle I faced was me. My wife was incredible to me after D Day, she made it easy on me to do the right things toward reconciliation. It took me a while though to let the whole thing go enough to really start to move forward, it's how I wound up here looking for help. I just kept obsessing over the whole thing and it wasn't constructive. It's been much better since I've learned to let it go for the most part and move on with life.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

For me so far....seeing the person that I love right in front of me and not recognizing him. Dealing with the triggers and questioning EVERYTHING he tells me in the back of my mind. Coming to understand that this state of agony I feel is here to stay for a very long time.

Cant say Ive overcome any of them yet. I will though.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

None until recently and the triggers from the same time of year are popping up everywhere for me.

He's being understanding, but omg....


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

It's a work in progress. I took a small break from here and I stay away from the coping with infidelity subforum. Just reading those threads would trigger me. Either it will work out or it won't. I refuse to be in "recovery" for the rest of my life. Best of luck.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

calvin said:


> For those of you who have reconciled. What were the biggest hurdles you faced and overcame?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not believing a word he says. I've thought about this a lot lately. He lied so much, and with such a freaking straight face that I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully trust him. And that sucks. I trust most everyone unless I have a reason not to. I trust everyone around me except my H.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Cherry said:


> Not believing a word he says. I've thought about this a lot lately. He lied so much, and with such a freaking straight face that I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully trust him. And that sucks. I trust most everyone unless I have a reason not to. I trust everyone around me except my H.


I am the exact opposite. I dont trust most people. I trusted him. Damnit.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Even though it's early days our R is going well but all the lies he told is one that I struggle with as well.
How he could have looked me in the face and lied to me all those times is a very difficult concept to grasp. 
I know he was deep in the fog and his MLC for a long while and I am trying to accept that this was all part of the process. 
Letting go and trusting him fully is going to be difficult but he is doing all that he needs to do and more to help me, so I think we do have a good chance of making this work
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Bringing down her emotional wall was by far the most difficult. After about a year in R we had fixed the communication, the empathy, the respect issues, the trust issues, became great friends and she ended the EA. But she built that sucker to last. She knew if she opened her heart to me again it would make her vulnerable again and that was hard to do. But we chipped away at it until it was gone. Start to finish R took about 3 years.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

3 years!? Oh wow!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> Bringing down her emotional wall was by far the most difficult. After about a year in R we had fixed the communication, the empathy, the respect issues, the trust issues, became great friends and she ended the EA. But she built that sucker to last. She knew if she opened her heart to me again it would make her vulnerable again and that was hard to do. But we chipped away at it until it was gone. Start to finish R took about 3 years.


************Bang********

Sorry folks CTU just shot herself.....3 yrs!!!


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

hand me the gun please,my turn
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

calvin said:


> hand me the gun please,my turn
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


you'll have to pry it from my cold fingers Calvin. Sorry.

But ya know I saw on here where Beowolf(who is 20yrs post dday) had a trigger at the grocery store. So I think 3 years is probably a conservative estimate.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

This Sept will be 2 years. Sometimes D-day feels like yesterday.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Great
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

calvin said:


> 3 years!? Oh wow!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Most marriages as badly damaged as mine take years to fully recover. The figure I generally see is 2 - 5 years, but I kept in mind that we were spiraling down for 7 or 8 years before D-Day. You don't bounce back from that in a matter of days or weeks and the sooner I accepted that the better off I was. That is why the word patience is in my signature line. But the R wasn't all hell either. There first few were really difficult but we got out of that panic and high anxiety mode and went on with other parts of our lives. Kids, work, home..... Don't let the time frame scare you, embrace it as part of the process. Who's to say how long yours will take, I'm only referencing mine.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Fan-freakin-tastic news.....The gift that keeps on giving.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Its been 9 weeks since the EA,they did meet up a few times,no nothing phsical,I figured I'd be well on my way by now...sucks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I can unequivocally say that the R we reached was worth every minute of effort.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Trying to make sense of what he said and what I know to be true. HE says that he didn't find her sexually attractive, but he withheld sex from me. He said she was just a friend, but at certain key moments he dissed me and now I know he was with her, ie, the day I returned from a 3 week visit with my family. Knowing that for three months, the two of them talked about me; our sex life. I pointed out to him that I saw that she had once resvp'd for a meetup activity that I went to. What if she had cornered me before I even knew who she was.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Its been 9 weeks since the EA,they did meet up a few times,no nothing phsical,I figured I'd be well on my way by now...sucks.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You might be. There is no set time frame.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

calvin said:


> Its been 9 weeks since the EA,they did meet up a few times,no nothing phsical,I figured I'd be well on my way by now...sucks.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thats about how far we are. End of January. i havent slept an entire night thru since. Not one.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Ok but maybe those who are working really hard at looking at eachothers needs and are also reading on here and reading books and are doing the marriage counseling will have an easier go at R??? Maybe like for some people it took longer because maybe one of the partners wasn't really trying or really 100 percent committed to working on their marriage? I'm looking for hope here..I love focusing on us and the bonding and wanna continue that forever but the part that worries me are the triggers. Also out of the blue sometimes it haunts me and fills me with so much guilt that my emotions are all over the place. Knowing that of course it's haunting and triggering Calvin way worse is scary. So back to the question...3 yrs? really?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> Ok but maybe those who are working really hard at looking at eachothers needs and are also reading on here and reading books and are doing the marriage counseling will have an easier go at R??? Maybe like for some people it took longer because maybe one of the partners wasn't really trying or really 100 percent committed to working on their marriage? I'm looking for hope here..I love focusing on us and the bonding and wanna continue that forever but the part that worries me are the triggers. Also out of the blue sometimes it haunts me and fills me with so much guilt that my emotions are all over the place. Knowing that of course it's haunting and triggering Calvin way worse is scary. So back to the question...3 yrs? really?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*************bang bang*********


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

CantSitStill said:


> Ok but maybe those who are working really hard at looking at eachothers needs and are also reading on here and reading books and are doing the marriage counseling will have an easier go at R??? Maybe like for some people it took longer because maybe one of the partners wasn't really trying or really 100 percent committed to working on their marriage? _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would say this is correct to some extent in our R. Initially my wife was not keen on recovery, but stayed in it for the kids, finances, stigma... But she wasn't fully committed to it like I was because she didn't have much hope it would get better. Also because at the time I didn't understand what an EA was it didn't end for quite some time so a lot of effort was just spinning my wheels. While many steps had to be taken on several fronts, until she ended it and emerged from the fog the the chances of R weren't very good. At a minimum, it delayed the process.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

My wife and I are coming up on two years this August and it's still a work in process for us, but it's a vastly different process than it was a year ago. It levels out as time goes on and progress is made. The mountains become hills, the valleys become plateaus, and the triggers get father and fewer between (however their intensity is slower to fade). To me the important thing was and is to avoid rug sweeping just to reestablish comfort, to keep pushing each other to work on it and deal with it - to keep making progress. 

I believe there is opportunity in every crisis and I try to leave every calamity better than I went into it - this is no exception. I don't ever want to do this again -from either side of the coin, but I want to wring every bit of growth and improvement from it that my wife and I can - individually and as a couple.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

sigma1299 said:


> My wife and I are coming up on two years this August and it's still a work in process for us, but it's a vastly different process than it was a year ago. It levels out as time goes on and progress is made. The mountains become hills, the valleys become plateaus, and the triggers get father and fewer between.


Perfect analogy!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

So Cal, you asked about the worst part of R. What was the worst part about the EA for you?


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

For me it was seeing who my replacement was.A so called man who is a womanizer,a player,a liar.This man-child has no plans,no goals,owns nothing.Doesnt own a vehicle or even rent a apartment.He has one bill,cell phone,yet he told he he kept forgeting to pay the bill.This was my replacement.A man-child who told her he loved her after not seeing her since high school,an ex-felon who did 6 years in prison,even tried to escape.This man-child was better than me in her mind.It didnt matter to her we both were in couseling,the kids didnt matter,me working 65 hours a week at the same steel mill for twenty years didnt matter,me being there for her in tragic times didnt matter.Only her ex-high school boy friend, ex-con mattered.I've slaved for your to make sure future needs are met for us and the kids didnt matter.
All the mattered was the man-child,my 
replacement.No future with him she admits,says he is usless and lazy.
My potential replacement is the hardest thing.
She was one of a few women on the side he had.His relationships never lasted.
The thought of who I was being traded in for hurts me to my very core.........I just dont get it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Sorry about the rant,thanks for letting me vent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Now can I borrow you gun CTU? Only take a sec.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

calvin said:


> For me it was seeing who my replacement was.A so called man who is a womanizer,a player,a liar.This man-child has no plans,no goals,owns nothing.Doesnt own a vehicle or even rent a apartment.He has one bill,cell phone,yet he told he he kept forgeting to pay the bill.This was my replacement.A man-child who told her he loved her after not seeing her since high school,an ex-felon who did 6 years in prison,even tried to escape.This man-child was better than me in her mind.It didnt matter to her we both were in couseling,the kids didnt matter,me working 65 hours a week at the same steel mill for twenty years didnt matter,me being there for her in tragic times didnt matter.Only her ex-high school boy friend, ex-con mattered.I've slaved for your to make sure future needs are met for us and the kids didnt matter.
> All the mattered was the man-child,my
> replacement.No future with him she admits,says he is usless and lazy.
> My potential replacement is the hardest thing.
> ...


ouch, yes as much as I can't even believe myself that I even considered this manchild, I can't deny that I got obcessed with him, excuses well heck not really any excuse for my behavior I wanted closure and I got that closure..see I talked about him all through our marriage..yes shame on me. I feel so undeserving of Calvin's forgiveness.. Calvin is and always has been the better man. Heck the OM is no man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Please tell me that no gun is needed. Canttrustu and Calvin, the sad thing is even if you are joking it is not worth it..Both of you have a future to look forward to and we can look ahead to better things..I wanna say don't dwell on the past but if I say that, does it mean I'm rugsweeping?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

calvin said:


> For me it was seeing who my replacement was.A so called man who is a womanizer,a player,a liar.This man-child has no plans,no goals,owns nothing.Doesnt own a vehicle or even rent a apartment.He has one bill,cell phone,yet he told he he kept forgeting to pay the bill.This was my replacement.A man-child who told her he loved her after not seeing her since high school,an ex-felon who did 6 years in prison,even tried to escape.This man-child was better than me in her mind.It didnt matter to her we both were in couseling,the kids didnt matter,me working 65 hours a week at the same steel mill for twenty years didnt matter,me being there for her in tragic times didnt matter.Only her ex-high school boy friend, ex-con mattered.I've slaved for your to make sure future needs are met for us and the kids didnt matter.
> All the mattered was the man-child,my
> replacement.No future with him she admits,says he is usless and lazy.
> My potential replacement is the hardest thing.
> ...


Mine isnt so much who as 'how fast'. It litterally took her a couple of months to wipe away 15yrs worth of real effort, heart ache, good times, bad times and all the in between. Its like she walked in the door and BAM! I was as good as dead in an instant. And the timing was terrible(as if there's ever a good time, right). But we had a sick little girl. Sick as in seeing an oncologist sick. While we are at the hospital she is texting him and thats what he cares about, her plucking his heart strings. Makes me sick just how EASILY I was replaced. All that time I was busting ass to be a good wife. He wasnt interested. Now, Im half gone. He cant get enough of me??? WTF?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> Please tell me that no gun is needed. Canttrustu and Calvin, the sad thing is even if you are joking it is not worth it..Both of you have a future to look forward to and we can look ahead to better things..I wanna say don't dwell on the past but if I say that, does it mean I'm rugsweeping?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yes.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> Please tell me that no gun is needed. Canttrustu and Calvin, the sad thing is even if you are joking it is not worth it..Both of you have a future to look forward to and we can look ahead to better things..I wanna say don't dwell on the past but if I say that, does it mean I'm rugsweeping?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


no gun needed but Im telling you it wouldnt hurt any more than it does right now.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

wow Cant I am so sorry.. I know it's devistating..this is hard to read but it's necessary for me to see what goes thru your heads.. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

stupid site forgot the sad faces show up as smileys
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Wow cant,thats terrible.So FU up.floored terrible.Sorry to hear that.
No no need for the gun,that would be the easy way out.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> For me it was seeing who my replacement was.A so called man who is a womanizer,a player,a liar.This man-child has no plans,no goals,owns nothing.Doesnt own a vehicle or even rent a apartment.He has one bill,cell phone,yet he told he he kept forgeting to pay the bill.This was my replacement.A man-child who told her he loved her after not seeing her since high school,an ex-felon who did 6 years in prison,even tried to escape.This man-child was better than me in her mind.It didnt matter to her we both were in couseling,the kids didnt matter,me working 65 hours a week at the same steel mill for twenty years didnt matter,me being there for her in tragic times didnt matter.Only her ex-high school boy friend, ex-con mattered.I've slaved for your to make sure future needs are met for us and the kids didnt matter.
> All the mattered was the man-child,my
> replacement.No future with him she admits,says he is usless and lazy.
> My potential replacement is the hardest thing.
> ...


The thing is you will never get it. At least I don't with pidge. (yes my ws is on here too) Little things pop up, like I wonder if she got pissy with him over some little thing or if she used the same pet names with him. I could go on and on.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Christ,its a lot of fun aint it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> The thing is you will never get it. At least I don't with pidge. (yes my ws is on here too) Little things pop up, like I wonder if she got pissy with him over some little thing or if she used the same pet names with him. I could go on and on.


I think that as well. A couple of times my boyfriend teased me about having a muffin top.....while I was seated. Never mind that his EA admits that she needs to lose 50 pounds (before the age of 30, before children, before menopause or any serious sickness......).

Also, I feel that I am more conciliatory, introspective and willing to negotiate. From the messages between them, it doesn't seem like she's any of that. A few times my boyfriend has so pissed me off with snarkey remarks, that I have asked "do you prefer your partners to be feisty instead?" He knows now what I am refering to.

I also noticed that she always needed the last word. So in the last text exchange between them that he showed me, in which she was trying to interest him in attending a concert, she asked "Is it not possible that we can at least be friends or even friendly?" My boyfriend asked me how would I like for him to respond. I said, don't since she obviously needs the last word.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

My H is one of those that will not admit to anything unless he absolutely has to. For instance, he denied sleeping with this woman during our separation... I asked him for almost a year after we reconciled because it simply didn't make sense to me, how he came to meet this woman and why she loaned him a large sum of money when he got in trouble with the law. He would straight face look at me and deny ever having sex with her UNTIL one day he got served with a lawsuit for the money he owed her, I guess he figured it might come out in court so he'd better tell me.

How do you trust someone who can lie to you for a year about something like that?

Ugh... It's been almost a year since he pulled anything stupid and I still have some major triggers at times, and I still check his phone log, I still check his texts, his history, blah blah. It's tiresome.

I had a major trigger yesterday, so this vent is fresh on my mind


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

calvin said:


> Christ,its a lot of fun aint it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It royally sucks especially in the early days, weeks.... But the further you go down the road, the easier it gets, even if progress seems minor. Continue to read and learn. Continue to ask advice of our members. Continue to fight for your marriage and don't quit until there's nothing left in the tank. If someone had told me three years for recovery I would have thought it daunting too. But you do what you gotta do for your marriage and kids. Good luck everyone.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

What do you do when you get tired and feel like your going to lose it,cant go on because you still cant believe this person betrayed you?
Its like being shot by your own point guard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

You do have choices.

I know this is a marriage forum - but it's going to take a strong commitment from both of you to rebuild things. 

My Ex paid a lot of lip service to doing the right things - and I wanted things to work out so badly that I willingly believed a lot of lies.

And I just about made myself sick trying to figure out how to save "our" marriage by myself.

You can't fix it alone...


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

calvin said:


> What do you do when you get tired and feel like your going to lose it,cant go on because you still cant believe this person betrayed you?
> Its like being shot by your own point guard.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you figure this one out- let me know?


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

I dont need the gun,a slingshot will do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

The answer is to keep moving forward. With or without them.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

nice777guy said:


> The answer is to keep moving forward. With or without them.


I prefer with. Thats what makes it so hard. Walking away would be so much easier (?) on one hand but so much more hollow on the other.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Walking away isn't easy. And it takes time. You don't just pack a suitcase and walk out the door.

But - to use your metaphor - if she shot you and isn't willing to help you close and care for the wound - you're better off without her.

Does she seem remorseful at all about any of the damage she's done?

Maybe I should read your story a bit closer before I give you any more advice...


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Hows it going for you today Calvin?


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Pretty good Cant,you? My WW is doing a great job,really trying hard,it still sucks tho.God I could just imagine how hard it would be if the WS only made a half-hearted attempt at R or didnt try much.Even with a WS spouse who is doing all they can to make amends it still pretty damn rough
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I know. My H is just now getting it I think. The fog has totally lifted. Halleluya!!(sp?) He wants to leave his job and move past it all.(He still works w/her)and its murder for me(and him im sure). I really hope he learned something here as this is his one shot. I cant/wont do this again-ever. This is worse than anything I could ever have imagined. Its unexplainable. Ive tried to friends who havent experienced it but I can tell they cant comprehend it and I understand b/c neither could I before it happened. Its...I want to say devastating but I consider the death of a child devastating so I will say gut wrenching. A brand of pain Ive never before experienced and hope never to again.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Yep,told my WW one shot deal,she knows that has even said she does'nt deserve this shot.You could'nt pay me enough to go through all that again.She's been back home 10 weeks and about a month ago finally came all the way out of the fog
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

calvin said:


> Yep,told my WW one shot deal,she knows that has even said she does'nt deserve this shot.You could'nt pay me enough to go through all that again.She's been back home 10 weeks and about a month ago finally came all the way out of the fog
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yeah, she seems totally with it. Seems like she 'gets it'. Im seeing that in my H now. Thank God. What a miserable couple of months. Dday was end of January or so and I feel like he just now, REALLY gets the gravity of it. Like he understands why I cant eat, or sleep. He is just now starting to understand triggers. When I wake up after nightmares he just throws his arms around me and says "Im so fvcin sorry" and he means it. I can hear it. There is pain in his voice.When this all first started(dday) he was still in the fog and it was like talking to a wall. And the denial, OMG!


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

I hear you Cant,my WW would'nt admit to any blameshifting or history re-writting until about a month ago,God I can still remember WW screaming at me how much better the OM treated her,she could'nt see he was a player and a womanizer who took advantage,its getting better but still sucks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

yep. My H told me how "young,thin and powerful" she is! I still have that text from him. She is 7yrs younger than me, I wore a size 6(now a 3) so its not like I am a cow, and I think he realizes I can exercise some of my own power. I threw my phone from one end of the house to the other. What a nasty thing to say to your wife. It still makes me wanna punch him.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> I hear you Cant,my WW would'nt admit to any blameshifting or history re-writting until about a month ago,God I can still remember WW screaming at me how much better the OM treated her,she could'nt see he was a player and a womanizer who took advantage,its getting better but still sucks
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The OM didn't have to deal with the day to day sh*t that happens. Mortgage payments, running a household, children. They had the luxury of living in a make believe world. Easy to be prince charming when none of the crap splatters on you.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Watched the movie Fireproof today and it reminded me how Calvin tried so many things to try to get me plugged back in and I rejecting him so many times just like the wife in that movie did. Cried at the end
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

joe kidd said:


> The OM didn't have to deal with the day to day sh*t that happens. Mortgage payments, running a household, children. They had the luxury of living in a make believe world. Easy to be prince charming when none of the crap splatters on you.


Thats exactly what I told my H. SHE wasnt putting up with REAL life w/him and he w/her.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Just never get it though,OM doe'nt have a vehicle,or a apartment or house,God he owns nothing,rents a room,I wonder how that would have worked out,I know it would have lasted
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

In affair happy land even being destitute is wonderful - vomit.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Just like being a controlling b*tch is sexy____barf.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

On THIS subject......our official R (him being completely and totally away from her is about to begin. No work, no email, no phone calls nothing). So now the real work will begin in the R after May 8(his last day). What was THE most important first step after the fog lifted and all contact was broken?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> On THIS subject......our official R (him being completely and totally away from her is about to begin. No work, no email, no phone calls nothing). So now the real work will begin in the R after May 8(his last day). What was THE most important first step after the fog lifted and all contact was broken?


spending time together- 10-15 hours a week, not TV watching 

openly talking with each other- being able to talk honestly without getting defensive and being able to say the hard stuff


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> spending time together- 10-15 hours a week, not TV watching
> 
> openly talking with each other- being able to talk honestly without getting defensive and being able to say the hard stuff


I will find the first part of that much easier when Im not feeling like Im sharing and thats gonna be SAWEET!!!!!


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Getting all the details and asking the hard questions,fog kind of evaporated slowly,that was the hardest for me,she still hung on to him being a 
nice guy,doesnt see it that way now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

from my story in my signature



Almostrecovered said:


> As the 2 week period ended I finally told my wife that "I'd give the marriage a shot". I reiterated the ground rules about her affair (NC, transparency, etc) and then added that we would try the following instead of MC-
> 
> Spend 30 minutes a day of just us talking alone.
> We would talk calmly
> ...


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

he's not holding on to anything like the idea of her being anything other than what she has proven herself to be. I think he is well aware of the fact that she was fictional. He doesnt feel any attachment to her now I dont think. He has been away from her for almost a month. The fog lifted pretty quickly once he wasnt with her everyday. He has been working from home. But that still means communicating w/her via email and phone calls. But I see all of them. and have been present for phone calls. So Im sure he has been on the up and up. She has fished a few times but he just ignores her.

So I havent been able to even really start forgiving him b/c she is still 'in my face' so to speak. Now that he has quit his job to rid us of her, I think we can begin moving forward soon. Its what I hope for. 

My next question is about the paranoia? Or whatever you wanna call it. The constant thought that he will/might/could do this again. How do I put that in a place that allows me to keep my eyes open and not be naive but still allowing him to earn the trust back? I guess how do I get the soundtrack of "once a cheater,always a cheater'" out for long enough to let him try and prove otherwise?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> My next question is about the paranoia? Or whatever you wanna call it. The constant thought that he will/might/could do this again. How do I put that in a place that allows me to keep my eyes open and not be naive but still allowing him to earn the trust back? I guess how do I get the soundtrack of "once a cheater,always a cheater'" out for long enough to let him try and prove otherwise?


well you can try but the paranoia is probably going to get to you anyways

your best course is transparency and to verify- ie. snoop

snoop until you're bored, the more you verify he isn't doing anything the more you regain trust


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Almostrecovered said:


> well you can try but the paranoia is probably going to get to you anyways
> 
> your best course is transparency and to verify- ie. snoop
> 
> snoop until you're bored, the more you verify he isn't doing anything the more you regain trust


^^^ Yep. It's been a year since my H's last incident. I snoop/ask/ask some more, etc. If he get's aggravated about it, I inform him that he did it, he made me not trust him, he lied to me, he betrayed me and if he wants this marriage to work, he just has to deal with it, otherwise BYE... He's asking me what more he can do to prove to me that he's not fvcking around... I'm still thinking about it.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Yes. He has volunteered all access. All passwords. GPS, VAR, FBI....lol
He really is trying but its something thats gonna take some verification over the long haul for me. And me looking where he least expects it. Ive done it before and he still doesnt know it.


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