# Is it wrong to "test" wayward spouse



## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

I was wondering if anybody "tested" their WS after Dday? We are not in reconciliation but he is trying to convince me to try. But before I even consider it I would love to be able to test him. Did anybody successfully test their WS? Or if I feel the need to test him is it a sign? I don't think he is dumb enough to cheat again but I could see him break the no contact rule.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I didn't. Don't think it even occurred to me to be honest.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I don't see anything wrong with it. If he wants to get back together, you are calling all the shots.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Hey jelly-bean, 

I'm not positive I'm the right person to be answering this question--after all I'm a FORMER-wayward myself!

But I actually thought about what you are asking, and what sort of caught me was "How?' How would someone "test" a wayward? 

I think what you're saying thinking or asking about would be actively joining some dating site, pretend to be someone else, be dishonest and deceptive, and try to trick them into being unfaithful. I mean...I guess that's the image I got in my head. 

Here's the thing. If you did all that, then YOU would be a person who was flirting online and being dishonest too! I don't see how this could end in a good way. 

For example, even if you built a fake FB page and pretended to be 22yo flirting with your Ex, how could he 'pass' that kind of test? By not friending you? By ignoring your messages? By telling you to buzz off because he's married? Then you'd wonder if he did all that because he knew it was you!

Anyway, does this make sense? I think your trust in his honesty is destroyed. I'm mean demolished beyond repair. I don't see how it would be repaired by you acting in a way that was dishonest and with the intent to trick him. I personally say just call a spade a spade and tell him it's over.


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

Affaircare said:


> Hey jelly-bean,
> 
> I'm not positive I'm the right person to be answering this question--after all I'm a FORMER-wayward myself!
> 
> ...


Yeah I agree. If I feel the need to test him then I don't trust him. And if he passes what does it really change? 

I looked at his phone the other day and he had talked to both women. Nothing sexual, but it bothered me still. He did say he missed them.

I guess I am just looking for an easy way out and really I need to just let him know I will never trust him again and I need that trust in my life. Easier said than done


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

jelly-bean, 

I can make it easier for you. He isn't done being unfaithful in his heart. He may SAY he want you to try, but what he means is "I want things to be the way they were." 

How can I tell this? When someone was a cheater and they are DONE with it, they change...inside. They make the effort to do the hard work of looking AT THEMSELVES and finding out the ***** in their own armor that was a weakness. They find a way to address their own weakness, internally. They find new, healthier ways to deal with the weakness and practice the new ways--maybe not perfectly but they DO IT and keep doing it. And all of this is done because somewhere inside they want to be a DIFFERENT PERSON. 

Here's the one part of your sentence that gives it all away: "... and he had talked to both women. Nothing sexual, but it bothered me still. He did say he missed them." He's not changing. He wants to be the same. He wants the admiration and validation of many/several/other women. He "misses" them! That's not change. 

I do not think my OM was the scum of the earth or wish him ill or anything, but I sure as heck don't miss him! I sure don't talk to him "in a non-sexual way" and expect my Dear Hubby to accept that! NO! I'm DONE and I've come down FIRMLY and DECISIVELY in Dear Hubby's corner. 

Does that make sense?


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

jelly_bean said:


> I was wondering if anybody "tested" their WS after Dday? We are not in reconciliation but he is trying to convince me to try. But before I even consider it I would love to be able to test him. Did anybody successfully test their WS? Or if I feel the need to test him is it a sign? I don't think he is dumb enough to cheat again but I could see him break the no contact rule.


We're working on R and I go through periods of uncertainty, just last night I was looking at his phone since he gave me the code. After I recently started a new thread on TAM-"you cheated...now you're insecure". I started the thread because I was upset and the responses that I got just caused my uncertainty to shot up primarily because I don't want to be a fool again. It still bothers me that I didn't realize anything was wrong with my marriage. Now I know that trusting him irrevocably is never going to be as before so I have to find what I can live with as I try to make the relationship work and it's sad but it's the new normal for me.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

jelly if he is dumb enough to cheat on you again why are you with him?


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

If you tested him, and he passed your test..... Would you really trust him??? I think that is an important thing to ask yourself.

I feel like this phase where you want to, or feel like you need to test the WS, is a phase which will pass. I don't think I would act on it. I feel like trust is better earned over time. And if you choose to trust him, it will be in your own time.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Jelly: I'm rather fearful that "a test" is largely only a more perfect way to have "disappointment beget disappointment!" And "mistrust beget mistrust!"

IMHO, accomplished and brazen cheaters rarely ever change their spots! In lieu of true contrition, they just become so much more adept and fine tuned in being the true masters within the art of cheating that they really are!

That being said, exactly how does one "test" a cheater?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Jelly, it honestly looks as though you did test him and he failed.

You looked at his phone and he is still in contact with OW, and stated he missed them. This is horrible.

I know this probably wasn't the kind of test to which you were referring, but this isn't what a WH does who wants to work on your marriage. His heart and mind are still with them.

Did you have a no contact agreement in place? if not, why not?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

jelly-bean

I have thought of this before, testing the WW to see if she can be truthful, then I thought about it more. I have come to the conclusion that this is the leap of faith I took, when we began dating twenty seven years ago I took that same leap of faith. I had no guarantees then, just like now, only now I take that leap with someone who is capable of cheating. It's much harder to take that leap now then back in the day. However, if I need to test my WW, I've already lost. This would mean that I am unable to trust again, that I'm unable to get past this affair. When her OM wife made contact with my WW she immediately told me. When that same number called her back after three minutes my WW answered again. This time it was the OM. Why his wife didn't call I'll never know, but again she immediately told me. 

That is what she should do if either of them make contact. So my WW was tested and she passed as she reported both phone calls to me. While it can be done to test my WW, I don't think it would be in my best interest to test her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I wouldn't say that it's wrong, per se, but you should be aware that -- depending on how you choose to go about said testing -- it could backfire on you.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

jelly_bean said:


> I looked at his phone the other day and he had talked to both women. Nothing sexual, but it bothered me still. He did say he missed them.


There's part of your answer right there, he continues the contact other women.

At first I thought your idea was good, but then if you're actively trying to putting him in a situation where he would be up to no good...perhaps, you would be just as much to blame as he is. 

The main thing here is that you don't trust him andmore and when that's gone the marriage usually gone to.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

jelly_bean said:


> I was wondering if anybody "tested" their WS after Dday? We are not in reconciliation but he is trying to convince me to try. But before I even consider it I would love to be able to test him. Did anybody successfully test their WS? Or if I feel the need to test him is it a sign? I don't think he is dumb enough to cheat again but I could see him break the no contact rule.




There is another way to look at testing someone (WW, WH, or anyone on any matter)...

It's called Setting them up. You can set someone up to pass or to fail any test. Especially someone you know really well. The problem becomes, since you set them up....what does the "test" really tell you? 

Only that you were able to push someone to make a poor decision. Which is probably not what you are looking for. 

If he is all in with you -you would know it, you could feel it in every interaction. The all in "Test" is the only one you really need to do and it's happening everyday. 

How is he doing? Feel right? or Feel not-right?


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## PBDad (Apr 13, 2015)

Interesting Q. Test them to see if they do exactly what they've proven capable of..

Outcomes: 

1) He does not take the bait. - Theres always next time though.
2) He takes the bait and shows you what he'll do again. Just like last time.

No matter what, your doubt will always be there. Confirmed or not. Not a pleasant mindset to live with.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Me thinks that when you have to come to the point where you have to "test" anyone, the writing is already on the wall.


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

I do not have a non contact agreement as the OW works for us. The woman he had sex with was about 6 weeks after we separated. Still debating if that is cheating or not. But I have been very clear that contact with her would be hurtful and hard for me to accept.
I know my marriage is over but I am not strong enough to tell him to be honest I am scared of him cause he can be violent. I live in fear that my weakness will lead to alive of misery with a narcissistic cheater.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In my case the test my old lady had to take were more about how bad she wanted the marriage versus if she'll cheat again.

Being bent over the work bench and getting spanked was a good test in her submission. Yielding to the fact that she had to be accountable for her time with turning in receipts and being tracked like a parolie would test any ones resolve to stick with a complete distrusting @ss whole like my self. Couldn't get rid of her no matter how hard I tried (back in the day).

But that's just me I'm wired different then most.

In general the best test is filing for divorce and before it finalizes will the way ward say screw it and act like a teenager or do the heavy lifting to prove they are worth a second chance and hope the divorce gets withdrawn.

These days I see more threads were the wayward goes off rather then having such a degree of remorse that they have the submission to save the marriage.

Kind of like "thier divorcing me anyway so I'll keeping phucking or will phuck even more people" mentality versus cleaning up their mess and making shyt right.

Granted there are a few threads were the way ward would go thru hell to stick around, but the betrayed are one and done.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

If you have fear of violence then get help immediately


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

jelly_bean said:


> I live in fear that my weakness will lead to alive of misery with a narcissistic cheater.


Phuck that!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

In the very early days after D-Day, before I went on the internet to look for infidelity support forums, I tested my fWW. What I did was I used a caller ID spoofer (Spooftel), and called her several times using the OM's phone number at work and her cell phone, but she wouldn't answer. But I was still angry at the time anyways.

But as Gus says, this could backfire on you because you could reignite the affair. The days after NC has been established is crucial, because one or both of the affair partners will probably start fishing because the addiction of the affair is so strong. I'd only recommend this if BS is in the investigation stage of trying to find proof of the affair.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

jelly_bean said:


> I was wondering if anybody "tested" their WS after Dday? We are not in reconciliation but he is trying to convince me to try. But before I even consider it I would love to be able to test him. Did anybody successfully test their WS? Or if I feel the need to test him is it a sign? I don't think he is dumb enough to cheat again but I could see him break the no contact rule.


I did.
I typed a letter, that was meant to be from OM and wanted to meet at a hotel put it on her car at her work.
It was a about a week after dday.

She past the test
she came straight home and showed me the letter.

Did it help me? Yes, a little


I did it because I didn't want to go through a false R


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## tonygunner007 (Apr 24, 2015)

Testing him may backfire. If you look within yourself and decide that you can't go on with him, then just break it off.


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