# How to gain trust again?



## INguy (Dec 21, 2010)

I found out my wife of three years cheated on me with her daughters father. They were never really together and I never thought it would be with him or for the matter, anyone. We had been going through a rough patch, I was emotionally not there, I felt really disconnected from life. I went to counseling and and was prescribed Zoloft (work wonders ). And I guess she turned to him for what I was not giving her. 

Just looking for tips on how to trust again. Anyone out there with some tips, I would love to hear them. It's been a rough week and now we have the the holidays. 

We have decided to stay together and work this out. She agreed to go to marriage counseling and do whatever it takes to make this work. I want to believe her but it's so difficult now.

Thanks.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Only time will rebuild trust mate, and even then the memory will always be there. Once trust is stained, always stained, it'll never be solid for the rest of your life.

It's something I also have to live with my wife as I cheated on her years ago.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My W is doing this, and it is really up to her to regain the trust.

1) you have all her pass words, emails, cell, bank accounts

2) she is forthcoming with who is contacting her, good or bad

3) she contacts you before and after work informing you were she is

4) no more "girls night out", she needs to be with you or work, period. 

5) You need 100% of her free time, no long phone conversations with friends. She should be conversing with you and reconnecting.

6) She needs to show you alot of affection and sex.

7) she shouuld open up and talk about her cheating and why she stepped out side the marraige.

8) you need to show her a confident man that will not tolorate her past behavior.

9) both of you need to set new boundries in your relationship

10) forgive her 


These are the things that got my trust back. It took 10 months, but I still stay keep track of her comings and goings. My wife brings her reciepts home, and even her work receipt from her cash drawer (she's a bartender). This reassures me when she started work and when she finished, with regard to when she left home. 

She calls all the time, and we constantly go out together, she is always around me when we are both not working, agian even then she reports in(breaks & lunch).The biggest help in regaining her trust is the fact that she is home all the time with me and the kids. 

Watching her reconnect with the family is showing me she's back. I find little thing in her purse that indicate her commitment to the marraige, like card that have versus or sayings, that talk up temptation, marraige, husbands, love, and family stuff. 

When I ever fall into those dark thought I force them out and replace them with the positive things she is know doing, like sex'-) and all the house cleaning. Back in the day the house was trashed.
Now she home with me and the kids, its awsome.


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## INguy (Dec 21, 2010)

Thanks for the reply. 

It just sucks that this guy will be in our lives as long as we are married. It's going to be so hard to trust that she and him will not do this again. 

Glad I found this forum.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Why, dude there has to be no contact what so ever for this to work.


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## INguy (Dec 21, 2010)

the guy said:


> Why, dude there has to be no contact what so ever for this to work.


She has a daughter with him. They never married, just dated and she got pregnant before we got together. She's my step daughter. 

Not sure how to go about them not seeing each other. And, they started flirting via text messages. I just assumed they were talking about their daughter.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

the guy said:


> Why, dude there has to be no contact what so ever for this to work.


Oh that's a definite alright...

Already any woman that even LOOKS like the girl I cheated on my wife with makes her all jiddy! Only time she ever feels threatened really, a puncture in her confidence that I've still been trying to help her patch up... bah!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

INguy said:


> She has a daughter with him. They never married, just dated and she got pregnant before we got together. She's my step daughter.
> 
> Not sure how to go about them not seeing each other. And, they started flirting via text messages. I just assumed they were talking about their daughter.


That's... complicated, always more complicated with kids involved.
:scratchhead:


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## INguy (Dec 21, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> That's... complicated, always more complicated with kids involved.
> :scratchhead:


Tru dat hommie.

Just found they make an android app that allows for tracking via gps and makes all texts, calls, web history and emails available. That will be a must download.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Well then, I suggest that all contact with regards to visitation should now go through you (your emails, text, and so on). I think this is fair, considering. What about pick ups and drop offs? It suck you have to involve your self with the kid, but there are always consequences to cheating. What do think?

Again, new boundries.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

That GPS is an awsome idea, many do it to catch the cheater, post a new thread and you will find the best one. Alot folks have used them and they will tell you the best one to get


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## INguy (Dec 21, 2010)

I like the ideas. 

He just texts when he's outside, he stopped coming in, now I know why. Tons of things to think about. 

I can't bring myself to tell my family or friends, it's nice to vent online.

Thanks man.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Have you contacted OM and let him know that her cheating is NOT going to effect the relationship and that the both of you are working on the marriage, and that you would appreciate that he not interfer with our wedding vows.Also let him know that as a honarable man he should respect their marriage.

I assume you didnt take her away from him?


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## INguy (Dec 21, 2010)

I haven't contacted him personally. I texted him from her phone and told him that I knew everything, he just said "wtf". She also told him via texts that we are going to try and work on repairing the damage. 

He texted her and said he didn't think it was appropriate for my wife to come to his families Christmas eve gathering. She said she wouldn't go before he said it but I just want the child to think everything is normal. 

And I didn't take her from him. They broke up and we got together after that. 

Just hard to not have them communicate. I'm loving the spying app ideas.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya the GPS is the best bet in our sittuation. Don't forget, post the question.

I quess the text is good enough, but my thinking was more of a man to man kind of thing. Some thing that raise your comfort level. 

Whats your take on him going through/contcting you for visitation?

Its sound like alot of BS to go through, both for you and him, but remember consequences, both for her and him.

The main thing here is a healthy marriage. Prevent those "rough patches" and give her what they all need (attention) and it sounds like you might have a good shot on trusting.

Did the list help?


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## INguy (Dec 21, 2010)

Yes, it all helps. 

I'll give some thought about the visitation thing, not sure I want any contact with him though. 

Thanks again.


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## danavince (Nov 19, 2009)

Remember that your original question was about learning to trust again. They gps spying gear may be fine for now, but in the long term, it is not a basis for trust. Do not get that stuff behind her back, then you will betray her trust. If you are going to put a gps tracker, let her know. She needs to be transparent with you and give you access to her phone, email, etc, but it can't stay that way forever. Even with all that stuff, there are no guarantees, there never were. Trust is a choice, it is a gift you give your partner. She has to do the work to show you that it is safe to make that choice, but ultimately, it is you who has to make it. It's a difficult journey, but I am discouraged by some of the posts here. You can overcome it, I have seen a lot of couples use it as a tool to grow their marriage together. If you go to counseling together, you can learn a lot about yourselves and each other and use this as a growing experience. 
As a consequence of her actions, your wife will temporarily give up her right to privacy, but this should be done together as the two of you rebuild your marriage, try to avoid the temptation to "spy" on her. This will further break down your marriage. 
I know this is a painful and difficult time, seek quality marriage counseling. Warm wishes, Dana (a marriage counselor).


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I agree with Dana, counselors help, it hard to find the good one. And marraige builbing is the main thing her, but when you get sh*t on, you don't want it happening again. The "fool me once" kind of thing.

Spying is such a dirty word. Tracking is better. I propose that tracking your W were about will protect her and you. Dana makes a good point about the W being on baord. Thats up to you

I spied on my W b/c she had secrets, I invaded my wifes secrecy. As far as her privacy, I always knock before I enter the bathroom when she is on the toilet. But for now and it has lessened as time goes by, I check on her. And so far, she has been a staight shooter and has given me no reason to doubt her loyalty.


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## INguy (Dec 21, 2010)

wow, thanks a bunch all. It all really helps. I really appreciate it.


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