# Interesting sexual response from wife



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I've discussed before that I'm the HD in a HD/LD relationship.

In the past my wife has sometimes offered to "take care" of me, while saying that she really isn't in the mood herself. I've generally turned her down because I really don't wan't her to do sex as a chore. 

Recently though I've tried an experiment of saying yes. So far every time she has become so aroused by doing things for me, that she then wants sexual attention - which I happily provide. She seems to enjoy it overall, and forgets how disinterested / reluctant she was at first.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

This is another manifestation of "responsive desire". Accordingly, I would never turn that offer down in your circumstances. I'm happy that it is working out for you.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Women are taught that sex is bad and good girls are not supposed to want sex.
So they rationalize doing it for you rather than wanting it for herself.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Recently though I've tried an experiment of saying yes. So far every time she has become so aroused by doing things for me, that she then wants sexual attention - which I happily provide. She seems to enjoy it overall, and forgets how disinterested / reluctant she was at first.


 @richardsharpe NNNOOOOOOOO! 

This is your moment to tease her and allow her to enjoy wanting you! Tell her she can only have a hug and a few caresses but that she is not allowed to have an orgasm by any means! 

Then you would indeed see an "interesting response!"

>

Badsanta


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Richard,

I'm curious what you think her reaction would be if you pointed this phenomenon out to her. Not in the moment, but over coffee for instance.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I've discussed before that I'm the HD in a HD/LD relationship.
> 
> In the past my wife has sometimes offered to "take care" of me, while saying that she really isn't in the mood herself. I've generally turned her down because I really don't wan't her to do sex as a chore.
> ...


She may have the time she needs to get aroused and feel desire? Don't refuse her offers, view it as foreplay. She may not get aroused each time but that seems to be OK with her.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Fozzy said:


> Richard,
> 
> I'm curious what you think her reaction would be if you pointed this phenomenon out to her. Not in the moment, but over coffee for instance.


This might be interpreted as a confrontation or negative reaction on Richards part. She probably doesn't understand why she responds the way she does. It was an experiment that worked. It's the natural way to find what works.

He should go with it and not talk about it as if it's something unusual. They simply found their groove.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Catherine602 said:


> This might be interpreted as a confrontation or negative reaction on Richards part. She probably doesn't understand why she responds the way she does. It was an experiment, that worked. It's the natural way to find what works.
> 
> He should go with it and not talk about it as if it's something unusual. They simply found their groove.


:iagree::iagree:

If it isn't broken, why "fix" it?

Richard has been looking for a solution for a while now. Now that he's found something that works, i don't see the sense in jeopardizing that.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

The reason I think it COULD be a benefit is if it gets her to understand her own responsive desire. Some folks with RD will put the kibosh on sex right away without letting it have a chance to ignite. If Richard's wife is good about making the offer to help him out a majority of the time, he may want to let things lie. But if that's a minority situation, it could be better for both of them to help her understand her own desire patterns.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I have, but she really doesn't reply except to sort of agree. She has an extremely difficult time talking about sex - I really don't know why. Its clear that she is uncomfortable, repressed etc. She enjoys sex but seems to think its "wrong" even with her husband of almost 30 years. 




Fozzy said:


> Richard,
> 
> I'm curious what you think her reaction would be if you pointed this phenomenon out to her. Not in the moment, but over coffee for instance.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I wish I could understand her emotional discomfort with sex - its clear that she feels sexual desire is somehow wrong. 

The responsive desire is also really strange. In the past on the rare occasions that she gave me a BJ (something I learned later she absolutely despises doing), she STILL got aroused enough to really want sex afterwards.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

That's unfortunate, but at least you have another tool in the toolbox now!

Would you say she's accommodating the majority of the time to where you could put this to use?


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## T2shay (Jun 30, 2015)

obviously she is turned on by turning you on. This happens when you are a giver I am that way too with my husband. While pleasing him and watching him get aroused it is my foreplay.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> Richard,
> 
> I'm curious what you think her reaction would be if you pointed this phenomenon out to her. Not in the moment, but over coffee for instance.


I would not do this. What is the upside?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> That's unfortunate, but at least you have another tool in the toolbox now!
> 
> Would you say she's accommodating the majority of the time to where you could put this to use?


As much as i like to pick on Fozzy, I like where he is going with this. He is advocating to improve sexual self discovery through conversation and by recognizing patterns of behavior that help overcome barriers. 
@richardsharpe I would advise you to continue this course of action but be careful not to "expect" her to respond. She is likely responding well because she knows you are not expecting her to enjoy herself which takes away any performance anxiety she may have in order to make sure she is pleasing you. 

If I were you I would focus on telling her how much YOU enjoy the ways she offers to please you. Be detailed and graphic if she responds well to you telling her about things that way. It should #1 help build her self confidence and #2 desensitize her towards graphic conversations. 

She likely avoids discussing sexual topics as perhaps it has been a source of conflict in the past in your relationship with her AND she does not want to trigger unwanted arousal. 

Best wishes,
Badsanta


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

She is not verbal about sex, she is "feeling" about it. If he pushes her to talk, she may start thinking and in so doing, suppress her natural response. He could easily talk this to death. 

Your wife's repressive thoughts reside in her conscious mind. Her unconscious is your friend and hers. It might be better to avoid talking to the enemy and embrace the friend who is nonverbal but alive and kicking. The only way you can communicate is to try new things and focus on how she responds.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> She is not verbal about sex, she is "feeling" about it. If he pushes her to talk, she may start thinking and in so doing, suppress her natural response. He could easily talk this to death.
> 
> Your wife's repressive thoughts reside in her conscious mind. Her unconscious is your friend and hers. It might be better to avoid talking to the enemy and embrace the friend who is nonverbal but alive and kicking. The only way you can communicate is to try new things and focus on how she responds.


I'll just toss this out there....

The number of times women complain about men not being able to talk about "feelings" = 12,876,567,876,354,947 and rising.

The number of times women complain about men to NOT talk about "feelings" = I have only ever seen it in this thread! 

It is as if this thread if from "tales from the dark side" where women are coming out if the woodworks and saying, "NO, do NOT talk to us about our feelings. Just have sex with us and DO NOT SAY ANYTHING!" 

SOUNDTRACK FOR THIS THREAD:
*Tales From The Darkside TV Theme*
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ax7Su-eVjA

Badsanta


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

:lol::lol::lol:
You are right, this is not appropriate for most situations but I think for this special circumstance it is. He has not been able to draw her out about sex in the past. Trying now may trip up a great leap forward. 

At some point, they do need to communicate but timing and subject matter is important. Maybe wait a few months?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

If she is "Acts of Service", that means she enjoys pleasuring you with sex. It makes her happy and turned on that she is doing you.

Mrs.CuddleBug is the same way and she too is LD.

Now if I turn her down when she is in the mood and wants to please me, she gets very upset. She will try again later on or the next day even more so.

If she turns down my advances, its okay......


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

If I were Richard's wife, I wouldn't want him to talk about anything, but just go with the flow. Drawing attention to her could make her feel self conscious and like she is being analyzed. Let her just enjoy each experience as it plays out.

Maybe if she initiates more frequently, and enjoys herself more, she will bring it up. Then talk about it, but don't go overboard for the same reason I wrote above.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> If I were Richard's wife, I wouldn't want him to talk about anything, but* just go with the flow*.


While I would strongly agree it is important to not bring attention to your woman's *flow*, it is more about how you bring it up. I actually do find when my wife is having her period that if I am considerate that she responds well. I'll ask her if her period is normal this month (as she sometimes complains that they get bad). She will actually thank me for asking and then tell me all about it.

The key thing is I did not accuse her of anything wrong, I just wanted her to know that I am thinking about her and respecting her flow.

Cheers,
Badsanta

PS: Yes I know I am being a jackáss with this response!


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

badsanta said:


> I'll just toss this out there....
> 
> The number of times women complain about men not being able to talk about "feelings" = 12,876,567,876,354,947 and rising.
> 
> ...


It's a different day and age, isn't it? But I think it's more and more common these days to find relationships like this.

For generations, we men were supposed to show emotion and have feelings. Now that many of us do this, it's almost a turn-off for some women. I know it is for my wife... and was for my ex wife.

I say this partially tongue-in-cheek, but most women I've come across in my 40+ years tend to want what they don't have. Whether they have small boobs and want bigger ones, or dark hair and want blond hair. Tall women want to be shorter, short women want to be taller, and on and on. (not all of these apply to all women, of course!) I'm not saying women can't be content with what they have, it's just more apparent with women than it is with men, I find.

But I've especially seen this in relationships, mine included. I'm a do-er and a giver, and I'm thoughtful. My wife told me waaay back in the day that she had only ever been with jerks who tended to be selfish to varying degrees.

So the irony is that these guys, as far as I can tell, got her attention for however long they lasted, until she couldn't take it any more and ended the relationship. But for the year, or two, or three she was with them, she made the effort to please them. With me, it's almost as though she knows the same effort isn't quite required, so she has no problem saying no, or generally not pulling her weight when she doesn't feel like it.

Same thing with my ex wife, except she pussified me enough that any attraction she once had to me was gone, and she sought out what she was missing elsewhere. She made me that way (totally my fault, of course, I'm my own person) - but that's what she wanted me to be. Until she didn't. Ugh.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

alexm said:


> It's a different day and age, isn't it? But I think it's more and more common these days to find relationships like this.
> 
> For generations, we men were supposed to show emotion and have feelings. Now that many of us do this, it's almost a turn-off for some women. I know it is for my wife... and was for my ex wife.
> 
> ...



My personal opinion is that if I am really in touch with everyone's feelings as a man, but at the same time if I have an *absurd sense of self confidence* about it, the respective pussification effect of being in touch with feelings becomes nullified. 

So if my wife tells me NO towards my sexual initiations, I gladly explain to her that I purposely got myself to enjoy feelings of sexual tease and denial and that nothing makes me more rock hard than her telling "No!" I then beg her to tell me more about how I "can't have it!" This response usually gets her to put her boobs in my face while she tells me that I am a bad boy, and then it gets too graphic for me to continue describing what happens after that.... 

At the same time if I respect the way that she feels then she knows that I am both tuned in and turned on to her just as she is it makes her feel that I accept and love her, and that generally gets a good response. 

She has explained that if she is NOT in the mood that I should NOT push her to feel aroused, but that she does not mind being playful and teasing me. She even enjoys this as long as I do not insist on PIV until she is ready, and she may very well ask me to wait until later that day when she has more free time. In the meantime I acknowledge how she feels AND I share with her how much I enjoy her teasing me!

*....absurd self confidence is the magic key. *I think men become "pussified" when we appear to be in touch with our feelings and we are NOT able to handle them that well.

*BEST: *A man in touch with feelings and has his shît together.
*AWKWARD: *A man in touch with feelings and acknowledging he can't really deal with them. 
*WORST: *A man that can't keep his shît together, NOR does he have a freaking clue about what is going on with everyone's feelings. 

Cheers,
Badsanta


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Alex, remember: no one can "pussify" you or "emasculate" you. *You are responsible for your own triggers. *

AP said that once a few years ago and it has always stuck with me. Empowering.

It is okay to share your feelings with a woman. Just do not make her *responsible* for your feelings.

_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

badsanta said:


> My personal opinion is that if I am really in touch with everyone's feelings as a man, but at the same time if I have an *absurd sense of self confidence* about it, the respective pussification effect of being in touch with feelings becomes nullified.
> 
> So if my wife tells me NO towards my sexual initiations, I gladly explain to her that I purposely got myself to enjoy feelings of sexual tease and denial and that nothing makes me more rock hard than her telling "No!" I then beg her to tell me more about how I "can't have it!" This response usually gets her to put her boobs in my face while she tells me that I am a bad boy, and then it gets too graphic for me to continue describing what happens after that....
> 
> ...


If I understood you correctly, badsanta, you are saying not to take her words personally. And use humor at the same time.

Brilliant strategy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

alexm said:


> It's a different day and age, isn't it? But I think it's more and more common these days to find relationships like this.
> 
> For generations, we men were supposed to show emotion and have feelings. Now that many of us do this, it's almost a turn-off for some women. I know it is for my wife... and was for my ex wife.
> 
> ...




Could have about written this myself about my X wife. One day you wake up and you take yourself off the roller coaster and say no more. My opinion part of the aging process is becoming comfortable with yourself and then only accepting people in your life who add to it and not take away from it. But few years back what you wrote exactly happend to me


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I've discussed before that I'm the HD in a HD/LD relationship.
> 
> In the past my wife has sometimes offered to "take care" of me, while saying that she really isn't in the mood herself. I've generally turned her down because I really don't wan't her to do sex as a chore.
> ...


PERFECT!

You need to double down on this evidence.

What you need to do is tease her more during the act. Extend her time to orgasm longer and longer and longer. This will do two things.
1. She will have a stronger orgasm or more than one.
2. She will come to the realization that "I will never tell him this but I'm starting to like sex and he's pretty damn good at it too."

She may even shiit test you during the act. Ignore it and press on.
Remember, each time make it last longer for her.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

alexm said:


> jld said:
> 
> 
> > If I understood you correctly, badsanta, you are saying not to take her words personally. And use humor at the same time.
> ...


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

alexm said:


> It's a different day and age, isn't it? But I think it's more and more common these days to find relationships like this.
> 
> For generations, we men were supposed to show emotion and have feelings. Now that many of us do this, it's almost a turn-off for some women. I know it is for my wife... and was for my ex wife.
> 
> ...


I was telling my wife about a study in which they'd wired women to report physical response. Then, they told them two erotic stories. One involved a trusted friend and the other a stranger. I told my wife that the women claimed to be more aroused by the friend but.... at that point my wife said "it was actually the stranger". Yep.

I think there's a conflict between what many women would like to want in the bedroom and what they actually want (or need). Also, I think some women can often separate what they want in a lover from what they want in a husband and be okay with that. Unfortunately for the husband, he's usually not okay with it.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I've discussed before that I'm the HD in a HD/LD relationship.
> 
> In the past my wife has sometimes offered to "take care" of me, while saying that she really isn't in the mood herself. I've generally turned her down because I really don't wan't her to do sex as a chore.
> ...


Great 180 Richard! You said yes.

I have a much different perspective for you to consider.

Sexual pleasure/response is mostly mental. 

Could it be that when your wife doesn't feel like she needs to be the one receiving, that she no longer feels under pressure to perform? Could in such a situation, she find herself just "enjoying' sex with her husband because it isn't threatening to her in any way? Watching someone you love become aroused, knowing that you can pleasure your spouse is pretty hot. So hot that it can be arousing.

I would suggest 2 things.

First, is there anything you have been doing differently when she is arousing you? Have you been more verbal than before? More explicit in your comments? Have you looked into her eyes more while it happens (a typical bonding ritual)? What in your response is different if anything?

Second, have you been reinforcing her new behavior in a positive way? You really should, but not in a way that makes her self conscious.

Again congratulations on your 180. Keep it up and figure out small mini-180's on it that may allow you to make it even more intense.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

jld said:


> Alex, remember: no one can "pussify" you or "emasculate" you. *You are responsible for your own triggers. *
> 
> AP said that once a few years ago and it has always stuck with me. Empowering.
> 
> It is okay to share your feelings with a woman. Just do not make her *responsible* for your feelings.


Oh, I know! That's why my next sentence was: "She made me that way (totally my fault, of course, I'm my own person) - but that's what she wanted me to be. "

100% full responsibility on me. At the time, I just thought I was doing what one was supposed to do. I've learned, trust me.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> Could it be that when your wife doesn't feel like she needs to be the one receiving, that she no longer feels under pressure to perform? Could in such a situation, she find herself just "enjoying' sex with her husband because it isn't threatening to her in any way? Watching someone you love become aroused, knowing that you can pleasure your spouse is pretty hot. So hot that it can be arousing.


*

Well, Dr. Psych Mom sounds like she agrees:

3- Women go into sex expecting and wanting the focus to be on their pleasure.

Au contraire, women generally do not want the primary focus of the sexual encounter to be on their pleasure. Instead, I hear female clients share frequent fantasies of being with men who are overpowered by lust and desire. In fact, the most common female sexual fantasy is rape. If a woman feels like her partner has the sole goal of giving her an orgasm, it is quite a lot of pressure and can make her feel self conscious and awkward. This does not mean that women do not want to enjoy sex; but, they have to feel that their partner is enjoying it at least primarily because he finds her so attractive sexually that he feels urgent desire for her. Women do not respond well to a man who is trying to use various “techniques” in order to be a better lover. This makes us feel like a sudoku puzzle you are trying to solve.

This is not what I generally hear here. But I suspect that there's something to it.

What Men Think about Sex Versus Reality - Dr. Psych Mom

If true, this is going to be a problem for those guys that really want their wives to want it as much as they do.*


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

remember that with women foreplay is everything. This may be why she gets in the mood, you are pushing just the right buttons in the correct order. Keep up the good work, and one day you may even have a HD wife on your hands!


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

alexm said:


> Oh, I know! That's why my next sentence was: "She made me that way (totally my fault, of course, I'm my own person) - but that's what she wanted me to be. "
> 
> 100% full responsibility on me. At the time, I just thought I was doing what one was supposed to do. I've learned, trust me.


Quoting this why? 'cause hell yeah this needs to be stamped on every doorpost and forced signed reading before dating and marriage.

We contribute to "make her happy", "provide a home", "be a great husband/dad", give up things in our lives that bring us joy and happiness to provide because we're told that's what good _partners_ do and because we value the _other_person's_ happiness.

and then we find we're dealing with passive manipulators, "gift prostitutes" who need to be bribed/bought to even realise they are in a relationship with a man (as opposed to her* child), and that her side of the relationship is actually just every thing about how she sees herself and what she wants.

* her - because how often do you see guys catching "baby fever" or going gaga offer small children (without the likelihood of being investigated/arrested).

Actually, I asked my ex-wife many years ago when things were in the first year and communication was ok, and before the bribe level reached more than we had; "What is it that you think I'm thinking when I go down [oral] on you? I'm curious". She thought about it a moment; her honest answer :- "gee how lucky I (meaning me) am that's she lets me do this".
Image if a guy thought like that towards the reverse roles....


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
not so easy. She doesn't want me to take longer, and after a while wants me to give her an orgasm and get done. She doesn't find a very slow build up to be fun. 





UMP said:


> PERFECT!
> 
> You need to double down on this evidence.
> 
> ...


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I'm OK with pretty much anything in bed that doesn't involve other people. My wife claims to have no fantasies, no particular interests, nothing special that she wants. If she really is interested in other men, she hides it extremely well. (she finds other men visually attractive but I don't think she wants sex with them).




Buddy400 said:


> I was telling my wife about a study in which they'd wired women to report physical response. Then, they told them two erotic stories. One involved a trusted friend and the other a stranger. I told my wife that the women claimed to be more aroused by the friend but.... at that point my wife said "it was actually the stranger". Yep.
> 
> I think there's a conflict between what many women would like to want in the bedroom and what they actually want (or need). Also, I think some women can often separate what they want in a lover from what they want in a husband and be okay with that. Unfortunately for the husband, he's usually not okay with it.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
you would think so, but my wife is unusual. She likes a little foreplay, but not much. I really do know what I am doing - including all the romance, touches, etc long before there is any actual sex. 

She largely partitions things into "sex" and "not sex". "not sex" is anything not involving genitals. She loves "not sex". kisses, hugs, romantic walks holding hands, back rubs. foot rubs, cuddling naked in bed.

Sometimes she wants "sex". When "sex" starts, she enjoys it but doesn't want it to last too long. 

"non sex" seems to have no effect whatsoever on her level of interest in "sex".



happy2gether said:


> remember that with women foreplay is everything. This may be why she gets in the mood, you are pushing just the right buttons in the correct order. Keep up the good work, and one day you may even have a HD wife on your hands!


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> not so easy. She doesn't want me to take longer, and after a while wants me to give her an orgasm and get done. She doesn't find a very slow build up to be fun.


Correct, that is the way with most masturbation aids.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> you would think so, but my wife is unusual. She likes a little foreplay, but not much. I really do know what I am doing - including all the romance, touches, etc long before there is any actual sex.
> 
> She largely partitions things into "sex" and "not sex". "not sex" is anything not involving genitals. She loves "not sex". kisses, hugs, romantic walks holding hands, back rubs. foot rubs, cuddling naked in bed.
> ...


The more I read your posts, the more I see the similarities between your wife and mine.

This thread reminds me of the time when my wife, a few years ago, basically bluntly told me that she doesn't want sex to be long and drawn out ("long", according to her, is pretty much anything over 10 minutes, or even 5...)

So even though I thought I was doing all the right things for so many years, it turns out she'd actually rather have short, passionate sex. Just as the link somebody posted in this thread mentioned, not all women want a guy who can last forever, nor do they want/need crazy amounts of attention paid to them - they actually want a guy who can't control himself (for lack of a better term) and is excited by HER, her body, etc. and can get off quickly (but not TOO quickly) because he's so turned on.

I suppose it's logical and makes sense, but most of us men are told from day one to pay attention to their partner, make sure they're getting lots of attention, take it slow, etc etc etc.

Hell, early on in the dating stage, my wife complimented me on this very thing. She said her ex, as well as previous partners, were quick shooters and didn't really pay any attention to her.

The first time we had sex was super passionate, and probably a solid 45 minutes. She had 5 or 6 O's, several of them through oral. She made a point of telling me, immediately afterwards, that nobody had ever gone down on her that much, or that well before, and she was in her early 30's at the time.

Nowadays, she'll sometimes push me away from oral sex and wants to get right to the main event. When there is oral sex, it's often one O, and then I'm not allowed to go down there again.

So in 8-ish years, she's gone from "OMG, a guy who lasts longer than 2 minutes and gives oral sex!" to "You're taking too long, and I don't need so much oral sex!"

As the linked article insinuates, I suppose boredom sets in eventually, and it's more about getting off then it is about exploring and taking one's time.

I find this sad, as I'm not done exploring


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> not so easy. She doesn't want me to take longer, and after a while wants me to give her an orgasm and get done. She doesn't find a very slow build up to be fun.


So what?
My wife did the same thing. Baby steps my friend, baby steps.
Each time try to extend by just a couple minutes. When she says "let's get it over with", or whatever line she uses, take a minute or two extra and make it worth her extra time.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

alexm said:


> The more I read your posts, the more I see the similarities between your wife and mine.
> 
> This thread reminds me of the time when my wife, a few years ago, basically bluntly told me that she doesn't want sex to be long and drawn out ("long", according to her, is pretty much anything over 10 minutes, or even 5...)
> 
> ...


Yeah, we were told. It just turns out that the advice only applied to the first year of the relationship.

It seems as if many women are into sex like men are when they're in "new relationship" mode. Then after that, they're mostly just into self validation of their attractiveness ("I drove him so crazy that he just couldn't help himself") or enjoying sex for the pleasure it gives their partner (that is, of course, if they are care about their partner's pleasure). Then often later in life, their libido comes back with a roar before dying out completely.

This is confusing to guys because we tend to always think about sex the same way.

If you're married to someone who's genuinely interested in your happiness, this can all be worked with. If you're not, then it's gonna be a problem.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Buddy400 said:


> Well, Dr. Psych Mom sounds like she agrees:
> 
> *3- Women go into sex expecting and wanting the focus to be on their pleasure.*
> 
> ...


Thanks for the interesting article you linked to. I think that there is a lot to it. I would also point out that the following point is country to what many at TAM think.



> 6- Also, I should engage in a lot of foreplay, all the time, because women want this.
> 
> Some do, and others prefer to just start having sex pretty soon into the encounter. For many women, having sex is what gets them into the mood to have more sex. Additionally, your wife thinks you’ll be disrupted in the middle of sex (e.g. by young kids waking up, etc), often a long elaborate sexual episode can make her anxious. Moral of the story: don’t assume your wife wants a long drawn out sexual experience every time. Ask her, or see how she responds to something more, say, to the point.


As for my experience, some of the hottest sex I have had with my wife is when I have been very horny and obviously aroused to her. When my erect member is something she can't ignore. It is kind of an obvious he finds me attractive to her and when I really loose it, it is almost like she feeds off of my arousal and it inspires her to be more sexual. I think that might be the point you were trying to make.

I also know that sometimes my wife for a variety of reasons just knows that an orgasms isn't in the cards for her, but that she still wants sex. On those days/nights, it is more about her pleasuring me with her body and watching me orgasm in her arms, knowing she can rock my world with her body. On those times, she only wants enough foreplay to get lubed up and nothing more. 

So, yes, based on my experience those men who feel that sex must only involve lots of foreplay and a focus on the woman's pleasure while they keep themselves from getting too excited do miss out as do their wives. I am not saying that you shouldn't pleasure your wife as often as she wants, it is just sometimes she may wants something different.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I've discussed before that I'm the HD in a HD/LD relationship.
> 
> In the past my wife has sometimes offered to "take care" of me, while saying that she really isn't in the mood herself. I've generally turned her down because I really don't wan't her to do sex as a chore.
> ...


This is great, man!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

My husband has a hard time believing that I want to have sex even when I know I am unlikely to orgasm. If he decided not to have sex with me, I'd feel defective and it would hurt. 

I tell him beforehand so he will relax when I make it all about him. If your partner tells you that she wants to have sex just for you, believe her and don't refuse. It's not pity sex or a duty if her attitude is loving and open.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
My situation is interestingly different. My wife will start by claiming a lack of interest in sex, but is willing to do something for me. (usually a HJ). Doing that pretty much always gets her so aroused that she wants sex and an orgasm. 

In the past my response to "I'm pretty tired, but if you really want I can do something for you", was basically "no thanks" Who wants uninterested sex. Now I've started saying yes because I've found that even though she starts out uninterested, she always does want it after a bit. 


I think I mentioned that this is true even when on my birthday she gives me a BJ (she recently told me she really hates doing that so I've stopped it). The thing is, even doing something she can't stand get her so aroused that she wants sex afterwards (this is why I hadn't realized how much she disliked doing it in the past).








Catherine602 said:


> My husband has a hard time believing that I want to have sex even when I know I am unlikely to orgasm. If he decided not to have sex with me, I'd feel defective and it would hurt.
> 
> I tell him beforehand so he will relax when I make it all about him. If your partner tells you that she wants to have sex just for you, believe her and don't refuse. It's not pity sex or a duty if her attitude is loving and open.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Had a similar experience where my partner will do everything to avoid sex, and then starts enjoying it nearly half of all times....



richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I've discussed before that I'm the HD in a HD/LD relationship.
> 
> In the past my wife has sometimes offered to "take care" of me, while saying that she really isn't in the mood herself. I've generally turned her down because I really don't wan't her to do sex as a chore.
> ...


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I wish I could understand her emotional discomfort with sex - its clear that she feels sexual desire is somehow wrong.
> 
> The responsive desire is also really strange. In the past on the rare occasions that she gave me a BJ (something I learned later she absolutely despises doing), she STILL got aroused enough to really want sex afterwards.


I guess the mind and desire are two different things....


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

T2shay said:


> obviously she is turned on by turning you on. This happens when you are a giver I am that way too with my husband. While pleasing him and watching him get aroused it is my foreplay.


my partner isnt a giver. (i am) so what wud turn her on?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> If I were Richard's wife, I wouldn't want him to talk about anything, but just go with the flow. Drawing attention to her could make her feel self conscious and like she is being analyzed. Let her just enjoy each experience as it plays out.
> 
> Maybe if she initiates more frequently, and enjoys herself more, she will bring it up. Then talk about it, but don't go overboard for the same reason I wrote above.


After she becomes comfortable with the new activity, and it has been going on for a while, you can gently and playfully make a comment or ask as question here and there to open up the conversation and get her to process her feelings with you.

Don't make it a big deal, or make her feel pressured that the new norm is an expectation. Just let her know that you enjoy it as much as she does.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> After she becomes comfortable with the new activity, and it has been going on for a while, you can gently and playfully make a comment or ask as question here and there to open up the conversation and get her to process her feelings with you.
> 
> Don't make it a big deal, or make her feel pressured that the new norm is an expectation. Just let her know that you enjoy it as much as she does.



After experiencing something similar with my wife, I would just say @richardsharpe that there may be merit in NOT talking to your wife about this. Here is the reasoning...

If she says or indicates that she is "not in the mood" when she offers to give you a HJ or whatever, then you actually have to be *respectful* that that is the way she actually feels at that moment. Having a conversation that she eventually reacts otherwise will likely come across as *disrespectful* towards how she feels.

If you do want to talk with her about it and explore her responsive desire more, I would do so by making compliments in the form of questions once she has become aroused and try to work that into extended foreplay for her. You may also wish to delay or prevent your orgasm so that you can join her once she begins to respond. 

A question to ask once she is aroused might be, "do you enjoy driving me crazy for you?" This should indirectly allow her to tell you about what is happening with her responsive desire while at the same time remain respectful that she may have not been in the mood earlier.

Out if curiosity have you had any conversations with her on this topic yet?

Badsanta


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

It is not uncommon for women to become aroused by the process of pleasuring her husband. She doesn't feel mauled or used, but realizes that her touch is appreciated and wanted by her husband. Feeling needed and desired while being respected and not pushed to perform is a turn on.

I hate the term, "duty sex" because it implies that the person giving it gets no enjoyment out of it. Even if I don't have an O after initiating sex for my husband's sake, I feel fulfillment that I had a part in bringing my husband pleasure. He feels better in general when he has sex.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

This might not go over well here, but "A woman has the prerogative to change her mind." That is what is happening with responsive sex drive. She really doesn't feel like having sex at first, but is willing to please her husband because she loves him. During the process, she changes her mind. (Actually, her sexual organs become aroused, she realizes that it is happening, and she decides to follow through with her mind and obliges her sexual organs.)


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think "duty sex" often refers to something other than just not having an orgasm. Its more about whether the person is enjoying themselves (orgasm or not) or whether it feels like a "chore" to them.






IMFarAboveRubies said:


> It is not uncommon for women to become aroused by the process of pleasuring her husband. She doesn't feel mauled or used, but realizes that her touch is appreciated and wanted by her husband. Feeling needed and desired while being respected and not pushed to perform is a turn on.
> 
> I hate the term, "duty sex" because it implies that the person giving it gets no enjoyment out of it. Even if I don't have an O after initiating sex for my husband's sake, I feel fulfillment that I had a part in bringing my husband pleasure. He feels better in general when he has sex.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I think "duty sex" often refers to something other than just not having an orgasm. Its more about whether the person is enjoying themselves (orgasm or not) or whether it feels like a "chore" to them.


Using that definition, I've engaged in duty sex while my children were young, I was exhausted and stressed, had a nursing child still, and my husband seemed like just one more person wanting to climb all over me and suck on me. Seriously, that is how I felt, for a couple of years.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I'm sorry to hear that - yes that is what I would call "duty sex"/ 



IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Using that definition, I've engaged in duty sex while my children were young, I was exhausted and stressed, had a nursing child still, and my husband seemed like just one more person wanting to climb all over me and suck on me. Seriously, that is how I felt, for a couple of years.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

That was while nursing the 4th child after nursing a total of 8 years. I was also a little overweight and felt motherly, not sexy. Plus the children were always knocking on the door or I was worried what they were up to when they were quiet. Husband wasn't so worried about it. I just wanted sex to be over...or not at all. I had so much work to do, I felt I was wasting precious time that I could be doing something productive. Husband "helped" around the house, but not in a way that he felt the pressure of it all, he just did the things that he liked to do, and didn't notice the rest that needed to be done. It was like having 5 children, not 4 children and a grown husband.
Enough of my story.

Glad your experiment with your wife is working out. Keep accepting her offers to pleasure you, and enjoy what she shares with you. BadSanta seems to have a lot of good advice on the psyche of women. He baffles me on how patient and understanding he is in order to get his needs met. His wife has a real jewel.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Well RichardSharpe, your wife sounds exactly like mine. I tried a number of things and talked my head off... but in the end her inability to think or talk about sex directly has prevented her from acting.

I learned a great deal from TAM and reading books recommended here. My attitudes haven't changed about my needs but I have completely changed my perspective on what her actions mean.

The whole responsive desire is spot on. I don't even try anything else, she ramps up rapidly once her hands are on my junk. So be it - I now know where the keys to the ignition are 

Also - 4 "facts" to keep in mind (talking majority of women here not all) 

1 - most women juggle many roles throughout a marriage and often in a single day 

2 - sex isn't nearly as important to them as it is to you

3 - fatigue will make sex a way, way lower priority for most women, whereas most men will wake up if the opportunity arises

4 - many women hate the idea of their man jerking off to porn

Women who don't match this profile aren't like your wife and mine so the fact that this doesn't represent all women isn't really relevant.

This is a toxic mix for sex in marriage if the H doesn't take corrective actions. This is where understanding your spouse and being a man intersect.

In my case I knew my talking wasn't working and I learned the above about my wife. So I took a risk and flat out told everything (50%  ) about my need for daily sex and the amount of porn I watched to satisfy this need. The reason I did this was because I came to understand my W better - she definitely didn't want to NOT meet my needs. This is a subtle but important thing. From then on she told me to wake her up every night and we'd play.

This is NOT duty sex - that term mischaracterizes her motivations. While she may not need sex, she wants to please me as my W. So it's not even about sex

The next point is the RD aspect. Though she is tired and uninterested, once she starts she is rapidly having fun. And I insist on snuggles and nonsexual touch To reinforce the emotional connection for both of us.

Another point has to do with her roles and self image. I tell her CONSTANTLY how amazing and sexy she is. It's completely true but she didn't believe it at first. This is a big point - she doesn't see herself as a sexual person the way you see yourself so you have to recondition her to think that way. She's a mom, daughter, sister, niece, boss, etc. and that's what she wants. I want the sexual nymph too but that will take a long time to instill.

Anyway - we are still working on so much because I want an amazing sex life with her, but these things have really improved my attitude toward her and helped me be patient and not misread her actions. 

One other thing. I saw a sex therapist separately, then told her and she went to one session with me. That is where I learned of my emotional need for sex and it helped my wife understand this too. I now see that she has never had a girlfriend to talk about sex with and never experienced a healthy married role model as her parents divorced when she was young and never sought out another partner. So I recently asked her to go see the sex therapist alone and just talk about anything - me, sex, marriage - whatever. She will do this for me and not her because she isn't comfortable with it and doesn't see it as a problem. And that's ok - it's one of my needs that she explore this with a woman. Again I don't want to control the dialog but I told the therapist my issues via email and said follow Ws agenda if she ever calls.

You can't control or change her, but you can understand her better, be clear with your needs, and directly ask her to do certain things if they are important to you. If you have a healthy marriage - and it sounds like you do - then she'll probably cooperate if it's put in terms she understands.

Good luck and wish me luck too 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Well RichardSharpe, your wife sounds exactly like mine. I tried a number of things and talked my head off... but in the end her inability to think or talk about sex directly has prevented her from acting.
> 
> I learned a great deal from TAM and reading books recommended here. My attitudes haven't changed about my needs but I have completely changed my perspective on what her actions mean.
> 
> ...


Excellent post!
I think many men (including myself) get tripped up with the "she does not want me like she used to" or "she never initiates".
Well, it's probably true.
Instead of giving up, be the guy that can get her going.

My wife is the same way. However, now I take pride in seeing a woman who does not want sex, who ends up having sex and can clearly see her fully enjoying sex.
That is very gratifying.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Well RichardSharpe, your wife sounds exactly like mine. I tried a number of things and talked my head off... but in the end her inability to think or talk about sex directly has prevented her from acting.
> 
> I learned a great deal from TAM and reading books recommended here. My attitudes haven't changed about my needs but I have completely changed my perspective on what her actions mean.
> 
> ...


So many things to like about your post TheTruthHurts. Patience and understanding is so important. Also accurate decoding of behavior. 

Women who get warmed up after they get started are not LD. Like me, they enjoy sex as frequently as their HD husband the only difference is that they need a warm up and don't spontaneously think of it. LD seems to be a misnomer.


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