# Co-parenting disapointments



## bluerunner (Mar 22, 2013)

Hi all, It's been 2 years since EX and I separated and we've had some ups and downs co-parenting our daughter. For the most part I've felt we did a good job but now he is acting weird since he has decided to step up his relationship with his gf(affair partner). He spent Christmas Eve and day with his gf which is fine but he blew our daughter off. Our daughter wanted him to come over for a few minutes to watch her open her presents and he wouldn't leave his gf for 30 minutes. My daughter was crying bc he wouldn't come. It broke my heart. In the past he would have come over even for just a few minutes. I don't understand why it's a problem now!! The gf has 3 kids so I'm sure she would understand. I've told her in the past that I'm no threat to her relationship. I'm never going back to the EX. I just want my daughter to have her father in her life.

I'm so disapointed and hurt that he would put the gf first. He and I just had a conversation and he told me that our daughter would always come first in his life. Liar!!!
Thanks for reading!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Why isn't he having her over to HIS place of residence and having her open gifts there? There's no way in hell my ex would be allowed to step foot in my house, nevermind open gifts together.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Well he is a cheater. Did you really expect him to tell the truth?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Blacksmith01 said:


> Well he is a cheater. Did you really expect him to tell the truth?


QFT,

Now if my ex ever came here he would tell you he loves his kids with every piece of his heart. He would SAY those words.

The reality of his actions is he hasn't seen his children in a year and completely blew off Christmas, birthdays and HS graduation.

When their actions and their words are in conflict-look at their actions.


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## bluerunner (Mar 22, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Why isn't he having her over to HIS place of residence and having her open gifts there? There's no way in hell my ex would be allowed to step foot in my house, nevermind open gifts together.


For the most part we have had an amicable co-parenting relationship. It hasn't been easy but I feel it benefits my daughter if we all get along. Everything was fine, he lived his life, I lived mine and we both coordinated to make sure we put our daughter first until these last 3 days. I did offer to take DD there for a bit bc she wanted to give her a gift but the GF said no. She claimed she didn't want to take time away from my family who was visiting.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

My exHs exGF also prevented him from spending enough time with our kids. She was jealous and insecure. Luckily the kids got through it ok. I'm so sorry your exh missed Christmas. That's really too much. Tell him off. Calmly but firmly. He needs to make this up to your daughter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Omego said:


> My exHs exGF also prevented him from spending enough time with our kids. She was jealous and insecure. Luckily the kids got through it ok. I'm so sorry your exh missed Christmas. That's really too much. Tell him off. Calmly but firmly. He needs to make this up to your daughter.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I had a gf that was like that. She came over one night to watch a movie with us. She wouldn't let my daughter sit near us. I took the gf in another room and told her that she needed to leave now.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Do you have a set custody schedule? If not, it's time to switch to that. He does things with your daughter at his house, you do things with your daughter at yours. You are no longer together so if parenting together, under the same roof, doesn't work anymore, don't do it. Your daughter will adjust.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Blacksmith01 said:


> I had a gf that was like that. She came over one night to watch a movie with us. She wouldn't let my daughter sit near us. I took the gf in another room and told her that she needed to leave now.


That's over the top. My exH exGF was more subtle. She would pout if he wanted to do something alone with one of the kids, even something simple like go out to the movies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluerunner (Mar 22, 2013)

Blacksmith01 said:


> Well he is a cheater. Did you really expect him to tell the truth?


I had hoped that he was telling the truth but obviously he wasn't.


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## bluerunner (Mar 22, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Do you have a set custody schedule? If not, it's time to switch to that. He does things with your daughter at his house, you do things with your daughter at yours. You are no longer together so if parenting together, under the same roof, doesn't work anymore, don't do it. Your daughter will adjust.


We don't have a set custody schedule. His work schedule is very erratic so we take it day by day and it has worked well up until 3 days ago. If we set a custody schedule he will have to get a sitter for DD. I don't want her with a sitter when Im home and she can be with me. I work part time right now so it doesn't make sense to have her stay with sitter when I'm available.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

How much lead time does he have in setting his work schedule, a week or two ahead, or is it day to day?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm sorry to hear that your daughter was disappointed. This will stick in her memory for sure.

One thing I would hope you're aware of, OP, is that your ex made his choices. It was a choice that was not yours to make, but his. He made his bed, etc... Unfortunately your daughter became sad over it, and upsetting children on such a day is a really [email protected] thing to have happen, yet it is the reality, so you must absorb it as such. Life has its crummy moments... How we deal with them is the real test.

What you can do, is make sure that your daughter has a great day with YOU, which is what I'm sure you did. Take the focus away from what was missing and put that energy into reinforcing what she has. If you're trying to encourage her father to have a place in her life, that's all you can and should do. Always leave the door open.... It is his choice whether to walk through or not. You're responsible for being the mom, not the mom and the dad. He's a grown arse adult and will face the consequences and choices in his life... In his own time.

Sorry if that doesn't help much, but I suppose my message is simply that you can't influence or control others, only yourself. You wrote that you were personally disappointed and hurt. I think maybe what you meant to say was that you were hurt for your daughter? You should not feel personally hurt by him any longer, since you are no longer a couple and it's been a few years. The feeling that he is trying to actively "thwart" you or flaunt his gf is a kind of energy you shouldn't be wasting on him. He fired you from the job of caring a long time ago.

If your daughter is really upset about this, I'd encourage you take her to some counseling, so that she can share her feelings with an objective therapist and learn to process the disappointment. Actively working to help her to process the things that can't be avoided is going to be extremely valuable to her as she grows, so that she doesn't have a difficult time dealing with things like "daddy issues." I don't make light of this at all... It's very real and I've seen it in far too many women that had shaky relationships with their fathers.

And just to reinforce what others have said, cheaters will say anything to preserve their illusion of integrity. What you must always look at are the actions.

I'm also in agreement about setting a schedule. Kids seem to function better with predictable, set schedules until they're old enough to learn to be more flexible. That way, if your ex doesn't meet the schedule for a reason other than a true emergency, you can document it and actually do something (legal) about it.

Sorry this affected your holiday.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

When I first divorced I tried very hard to keep my ex involved with the kids, to the point I found myself making excuses for her and trying to protect her motherly image. I did it for the benefit of the kids, I didn't want them to feel the pain of a walk away parent. After a time I realized it was no longer my responsibility to manage the relationship she has with her children, that's her job alone. 

Bluerunner all you can do is focus on being a consistent foundation in your child's life, don't ever do anything to belittle your ex in your child's eyes but stop trying to force him to be a good parent, tell him one time that you are washing your hands of that job and he needs to step up and make his child a priority, then let him sink or swim on his own. It will break your heart when he doesn't show or cancels plans, but you need to accept you can't control your ex, you can only manage your own relationship with your child.


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## solita.castro (Dec 28, 2015)

I'm sorry you feel that way. Co-parenting is hard. I have 2 boys with my ex and he doesn't really take to his kids but he does to his gf 3 daughters . For example my oldest son asked Santa for a tablet. My ex said I have 5kids to buy presents for yet he bought her girls the games they wanted. I feel bad that my son doesn't have what he wants for his dads

Sent from my HTC Desire 626s using Tapatalk


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## bluerunner (Mar 22, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> How much lead time does he have in setting his work schedule, a week or two ahead, or is it day to day?


Sometimes he knows a week ahead of time but it changes often. Sometimes his work day is much longer or shorter than planned. Other times he has to go to work in the middle of the night.


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## bluerunner (Mar 22, 2013)

Cooper said:


> When I first divorced I tried very hard to keep my ex involved with the kids, to the point I found myself making excuses for her and trying to protect her motherly image. I did it for the benefit of the kids, I didn't want them to feel the pain of a walk away parent. After a time I realized it was no longer my responsibility to manage the relationship she has with her children, that's her job alone.
> 
> Bluerunner all you can do is focus on being a consistent foundation in your child's life, don't ever do anything to belittle your ex in your child's eyes but stop trying to force him to be a good parent, tell him one time that you are washing your hands of that job and he needs to step up and make his child a priority, then let him sink or swim on his own. It will break your heart when he doesn't show or cancels plans, but you need to accept you can't control your ex, you can only manage your own relationship with your child.


I feel like I'm always managing their relationship because I want so badly for the ex to be involved with DD. For the most part he is involved but when he pulls [email protected] like he did over Christmas my heart breaks for DD. I really need to work on letting him sink or swim like you said.


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## bluerunner (Mar 22, 2013)

Satya said:


> I'm sorry to hear that your daughter was disappointed. This will stick in her memory for sure.
> 
> One thing I would hope you're aware of, OP, is that your ex made his choices. It was a choice that was not yours to make, but his. He made his bed, etc... Unfortunately your daughter became sad over it, and upsetting children on such a day is a really [email protected] thing to have happen, yet it is the reality, so you must absorb it as such. Life has its crummy moments... How we deal with them is the real test.
> 
> ...


I was hurt for my daughter, it broke my heart. I was also disappointed that he would let her down like that especially since she was so excited to have him there while she opened her gifts. Santa brought her a violin and she most excited to show him that. She asked him several times(crying) to come over and see her violin and he finally came the next day after she called him again. I guess he was able to get away from the gf for a few minutes. I just don't understand how he can do that DD. But I guess I shouldn't be surprised that he would do that.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I know how much it hurts to see you RR upset like this, and on Christmas.
As others have said, the best and really the only thing you can do for her is to be her rock. She needs that.
He will either step up, or not.


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