# Saw it Coming But Still in Shock



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Hello everyone....first post but I have spent the last two days reading every article in the articles list. Short story, married 24 years to a HIGH POWER, high profile CEO who has a highly dysfunctional childhood. We began our relationship as equals in the employment world and her career skyrocketed and my career (airline pilot) has been fraught with termoil. Both of us are 55 years old and the kids are 22 and 19 and both out of the house. Her parents were a cold and distant japanese PHD father and her mother was a barely functional adult who was verbally abused by the highly functioning father who left the family the day my wife turned 18. As a child my wife who was the only other highly functioning person in the family was told constantly by her father that "you had better grow up and get a good job because one day I will not be here for you." Since she was a child my wife was in the constant position of defending her developmentally disabled sister from bullies at school and trying to cover her mothers domestic deficiencies before dad came home and abused the mother verbally. The dad used to take his meals in the den, alone and there was no physicality to the relationship. The kids were not allowed to watch tv unless it was a national geographic type show and on the weekend. My spouse was VERY close to her grandmother as opposed to her mother. The grandmother was staunchly independent and smart and lived alone since the death of her husband right after WW ll. Those two were thick as thieves. My wifes obsession was/is to be financially secure and she HATES debt! My situation is as follows.......started as an airline pilot in 1990 after leaving the military and then the whole airline industry imploded with a bad economy and things started to improve until 9/11 and things went south again and my earning power suffered. Fast forward to about 4-5 years ago when I was sidelined by a medical condition which kept me out of the ****pit even though I was fine on the meds but the meds were prohibited for flight use. Trying to look at the bright side I was able to be home for the kids who were still around and was able to cook, provide stability, book Drs appointments and just be there for them while she was gone from 430 am until at a minimum 715 pm if not later. This was fine for a while but them the kids went away to college/private high school and there I was, alone for 18-20 hours a day. I went into a slow but steady period of self loathing, depression, mild alcohol abuse and spending excesses to try and find some endorphins in my life. Ebay became my friend. When my spouse came home she was too tired to communicate and did not want to share her day with me as she did not want to re-live it. Eighteen months ago I was away for the weekend doing some work on the distant vacation house we own and I came home and she had moved out and took only her bed, clothes, dresser, and personal items. She had my kids help her load the moving truck with her. She had stated to me about a year prior that "some day I am going to have a meltdown and it's not going to be pretty." I responded "I hope I am not the reason for it and I hope you will let me help you." No further response. She moved into a rental about 45 minutes away and we had NO contact for the next 9 months. In Jan 2012 she moved to another state and took the same position as CEO for the same company. I was served papers on Halloween 2013 and I get the I don't have any feelings for you anymore speech and "I do not even know who I am anymore" speech. That's all I get from her. She wants to move fast and originally I agreed to go uncontested because the division of assets was fair but the alimony proposed by her was pitiful and I wanted to give her the gift of a quick divorce in the hopes of a reconciliation. I have since come to my senses and lawyered up at the insistence of everyone I know. THERE IS NO OM/LOVE INTEREST so let's not waste time going there. Her word is unimpeachable and if she says it is not so then it is not so. We were in separate bedrooms far about 6 months before she left and sexless prior to that about 2 years. WE NEVER argued or hollered at each other. She calls our demise "Death by a thousand cuts." I COULD understand and forgive an affair but the one thing I THOUGHT I could count on is our always being a TEAM even in the face of prolonged adversity. Hence my screen name of Betrayed. I may have sucked for a long time but I always believed in the vow and she seems to dismiss the vows without a care stating it happens to people all the time. I saw and lived with difficulty with her for a long time but I figured we would get through this. I am now successfully off the meds and hope to return to wrk in February or so but it will not be easy because I have been gone for so long. That's all I have left to keep me going. FWIW, my littlle family did spend Thanksgiving together and it was fine and we just spent 5 days together on a western ski trip where we had 3 conversations about us all initiated by me. I get nothing but venom and projection. I have run the standard gamut of mistakes and emotions and feel I am in the initial stages of detachment. I have removed her from my iphone contact list so I will no longer be looking to see her name when the phone rings. I know I will backslide but I am a SLOW progressor in these matters and I do not have much of a support network as most of my friends were her work friends which have disappeared from my life. My only social salvation will be my return to work. My spouse is VERY careful not to display weakness to anyone but she has let it slip a few times that she feels she had been an absentee mother to her kids. I have always told her that your time with them was quality time and you gave them things others could not....ie-paid in full college educations. For quite some time I feel that I have failed her in that we had non traditional roles as husband and wife and I was trying to compete with her as provider and worthy leader of the family. I was seeing my worth through her eyes only and it wasn't pretty. I am now picking myself up, dusting myself off, and trying to move forward proudly with or without her. I feel instead of being my partner and realizing my internal struggle and helping my up and being supportive she just went right around me and views my difficulty as weakness. I have been a survivor all through my life but this has rocked my belief in everything. Thanks for listening........
«


----------



## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Break up your post into paragraphs.

It's unreadable in it's current state.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Agreed. You gotta break this up and perhaps shorten it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I used to make the same mistake


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

There is no shortening of this post without losing meaning......just this once.....


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

The way I see it, you're better off without her.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Thound said:


> The way I see it, you're better off without her.


The common sense part of me agrees with you..........but the other part is having a tough time.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Betrayedone said:


> There is no shortening of this post without losing meaning......just this once.....


Still, it is not readable.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Get glasses people. I had no trouble reading it!

BetrayedOne

Can I make a few suggestions.

"Let Her Go"
It is a plan to help you toughen up. Your teammate flew the coup.

You can only control your actions, your life, your destiny.

Stay lawyered up. Demand everything you deserve in the Divorce. And then a little more.

I believe our actions in life teach lessons. And while you may not have been the "best" husband it does sound like she was a pretty crappy wife.

Why? Because she decided for herself what was acceptable for you, your kids and eventually your marriage.

Your "teammate" as you call her was not much of a team player.

So now she needs to be penalized. Why? To teach her a lesson.

What lesson? That she no longer gets to decide all on her own what is best for her, you, the kids, your family or your marriage.

So in nice terms. Stick it to her. Make her cough up some alimony.

Stop being the "nice guy". It is why she does not respect you.

You want her to respect you a little.

A. Stop talking to her.
B. Tell her to deal with your attorney directly.
C. Get alimony and keep the $$$ until you get your feet back on the ground.
D. Get your darn feet back on the ground. Get off the meds and your butt back in a flight simulator to get your certifications current.
E. Go out and make new friends. 
F. Go out and find new interests. hell go work at a local charity. It is a great way to meet people.

Only you can get yourself out of this mess.

And after the divorce is final and your wife looks down at the check she is writing for you and hen she looks up at you with those confused eyes and says "Why are you doing this tome me?"

You should say this
"You told me that you do not even know who you are anymore and walked out on me, our kids, our family and our marriage. I know who you are.

You are a selfish woman (b!tch). 

I just helped you find yourself."

Then take the check and walk away.

I guaranty you she will learn to respect you. Especially when she sees you become independent, a great father, a good pilot and happy with a new woman on your arm that wants to be with you.

Life is all about choices. 

Start making your own.

HM


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> Get glasses people. I had no trouble reading it!
> 
> BetrayedOne
> 
> ...


I like it...........HM, I really did/do see your suggestions as my ultimate outcome however I'm a little slow in the pulling my pants up and moving forward department but once I get rolling I gather steam rather quickly! I have come a long way psychologically in the last 2.5 months and like my thread title says, "saw it coming but still in shock," but the shock is beginning to clear and my fangs are starting to emerge. HM, you described my game plan to a "T." Thanks for the reinforcement. BTW-I am going dancing tomorrow with a local meetup group.....No hanky panky but just cultivating friends........


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Good update Betrayed One.

And I think you have pulled up your pants already. 

Have fun dancing tonight.

And get your health under control. As a private pilot I understand the health issues all too well.

Sharpen those fangs. But not to be a d!ck. But to get what you are due. Your "pound of flesh".

I am one of those people that feel if a spouse wants to walk away from a marriage that is ok. But to do it with respect, with open communication (other spouse & children) and with all resources to save the marriage exhausted.

Your wife did not do that. 

IMO she owes you.

HM


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> Good update Betrayed One.
> 
> And I think you have pulled up your pants already.
> 
> ...


I am owed quite a lot if you look at us from a distance.....I went to a LOT of parties where I was just arm candy for her and never received even a "thanks for being there with me tonight." I have been fed BS for so long I should have been a mushroom. It's kind of confusing for me as when I go dancing/out with my meetup group I NEVER have been turned down when I ask someone to dance. I would dance 1 time per year with my spouse at a function and it was very "restrained." I know it was dysfunctional but it was all I knew as it has been 24 years in the making. The work thing will happen but I have to get clear of more of this drama so I do not risk my comeback. Seven week retraining/simulator course is pretty intense and I need to be totally in the moment. There are women out there who like me and seem interested but A -I am not divorced yet and B-I do not want to hurt others by not being available and sincere......typical jumping in too fast stuff. I AM interested, however, in developing friends that might want to hang in there with me for a while. But I digress.....if my spouse had a change of heart and actually put some effort into US, I would be all in UNTIL she signs those divorce papers then it will be no contact forever. The kids are old enough to deal with us as individuals. The only respect she will recognize is to write that check every month for 8 years.........D


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

BetrayedOne

I forgot to ask you last night this question.

What do your children think of this situation?

Has your wife spoken to them at all about walking out on you?

I know you said they helped her move out. So they must have known in advance what their mother was planning to do.....


Just curious.

HM


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Good. HM is great as usual
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> BetrayedOne
> 
> I forgot to ask you last night this question.
> 
> ...


HM....my spouse has polluted my 22 y/o premed genius of a daughter that a man is NOT something that is required or even desired in her life. She loves her daddy but I have talked to her at length about our marriage dynamic and she sides with my spouse BIG TIME and I find it very disturbing. I can see the very same personality dysfunction being developed in my daughter and I WILL eventually tell my spouse about this. I think, that with the passage of time, my daughter will see the flaws in such thinking but it will be because of my trying to keep her in touch with reality. We have already had the "when you are 65 years old and alone in your life" speech. My son, 19, is kind of detached from the whole thing and is a typical, self absorbed teen who is active in his frat and is most concerned about pumping iron and attracting girls. Frankly, I am glad that this is his primary interest and he seems to be ok and has NO opinion about what is going on. My spouse LOVES these kids (to the extent she knows how, which is $) and that connection with them is the only way for me to wield power with her. NO, I don't use this toxic option I just throw it out there to show you how she thinks. I GUARANTEE my spouses conversation with them was very brief and very businesslike and very clinical.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Good. HM is great as usual
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Man, you got that right........I like his style and have been here for a while before I started my tale of woe......


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

I agree with you about both your children.

Your son is in his own little world at college and for now I think that is ok. But be aware. 

When he finally attracts that right girl he will need honest, caring advice about relationships.

Make sure he gets that from you!

Your daughter might eventually become that great Doctor.

Smart, brilliant a real life saver. But a horrible person with no bedside manner what-so-ever!

Is that horrible? Maybe, probably, Yes.....

Why? Because she will be like most lifesavers. She will come to realize that she cannot save every patient.

But worse than that, she will be totally unprepared to save herself from herself.

Quite like, quite like, wait for it..... Her Mother!

I could be wrong. Or I might be right.

But I do hope you will try to spread more of your love over them like any loving father would do.

And in the future, show them what a real, loving relationship will look like.

One more question BetrayedOne, well maybe a two parter.

Has your wife been dating anyone or gone on a date yet?

And do you think in the back of your mind when you become the man you were when you first married her that she would be interested in dating you again???

HM


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Did your wife leave you a note when she moved out?


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> I agree with you about both your children.
> 
> Your son is in his own little world at college and for now I think that is ok. But be aware.
> 
> ...


Funny you should mention a note! I almost forgot about that since it's been 18 months already......It was some kind of lame drivel, very unemotional and middle of the road clinical. I was so pissed when I read it that it really didn't register as significant at the time. It revealed NOTHING to me that was useful or helped me to understand. It has taken me all this time to finally begin to SEE and UNDERSTAND the dynamics of this. Yes, my daughter is on track to become dysfunctional in the relationship department and it is my job to set a proper example. My spouse (not wife anymore as that is a term of endearment) would have no interest in dating the original me as she is more interested in the image of a spouse as opposed to the reality of someone and I can not compete with her in terms of image or actual professional success. One of the very few times I ever lashed out at her was about 1.5 months ago when we were having a heated phone convo and she was monstering all over me like crazy and saying things like "it's always about you, and you're trying to manipulate me," etc and out of the depths of my soul I SCREAMED with everything I had "LET ME BE THE MAN.....JUST ONCE LET ME BE THE EFFIN' MAN!" It was raw and unrehearsed........That shut her up and for a very rare moment she became demure and repentant and it was very revealing to me. Let me make one thing clear. I was NEVER a shrinking violet in our marriage (Marine aviator) and very type A so I never abdicated control of any sort and I always tried to treat her as an equal. Anything else would not have worked with her. My outburst really got her attention and backed her down. Anyway, about her dating.....NO way, no how,,,,,she is NOT interested in any man of any sort. I believe that has not happened and she tells me that has not happened and one of the few admirable characteristics about her is that in the black and white world she tells the truth. I can not even imagine the kind of man she would/could successfully be with as it would require a total makeover of her persona to be successful. I don't know if she has the ability to change that much and if she did whether she could sustain it. I really doubt it. I am actually a better man than I ever was because I feel I have learned about people and relationships and am much more open and accepting than I used to be when I had my rough, "Marine" edges. I feel like I have been under a rock for so long that once I get past this I feel as though a great awakening and sense of enlightenment is waiting for me!


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Thank you for the response.

And in my opinion your awakening has already begun. It is very evident in your responses.

While you are focusing on you might I suggest you keep the note somewhere.

Keep it around as a reminder of what you had, what you lost and what you hope to gain as you go through this transition.

When you feel you are on a forward momentum and have reached a certain level of personal happiness. Maybe a stable relationship. Or the divorce is settled.

Or you get your wings back.

Take that letter. Say a prayer for yourself, for your Ex and your children. Then burn it.

I guaranty you will feel different. Hopefully, better, lighter and certainly stronger.

HM


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

One other thing.

Your wife is a coward. For all her professionalism and business ethics personally she is a coward.

That is what the note signifies.

I have 3 daughters. I have told my oldest who is a sophomore in college (same boyfriend for 3-4 years) that loyalty and love is something that should never be betrayed.

I told her that if she ever wants to date someone else to be honest with her boyfriend. And break up with him to his face.

She knows how strongly I feel about this subject.

As parents it is all we can do to instill good ethics into our children. Because these current generations learn so little from our mistakes.

HM


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> One other thing.
> 
> Your wife is a coward. For all her professionalism and business ethics personally she is a coward.
> 
> ...


The letter is gone......it repulsed me so much I threw it away instantly. I wish in some ways I had kept it for reflection at a later date. You are spot on about her being a coward.......she knows it and someday I will remind her of it. What kind of woman does this to her family? I ask myself this question every day and I keep coming up empty. I remind you that I was not/am not perfect and I went through a pretty rough patch....but I came home and did not destroy anything other than my sense of self. Instead of helping me up when I fell I feel she stepped right over me, looked at me with disdain, and kicked me in the nuts just for good measure. In many ways she is helping me to detach. D


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Betrayedone said:


> The letter is gone.....she knows it and someday I will remind her of it. What kind of woman does this to her family?


The only way to remind her of it is to live a truly fulfilling life without her.

By the time she is retired I assure you she will fully understand what she gave up.

No doubt in my mind.


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> The only way to remind her of it is to live a truly fulfilling life without her.
> 
> By the time she is retired I assure you she will fully understand what she gave up.
> 
> No doubt in my mind.



And if she does't who gives a flip. 

You'll be better off anyway and won't think twice about what she thinks. 

It's not too late for your daughter to learn about love and compassion. 

As Happy said, you'll move on and find someone. You'll have learned from your mistakes. You'll have learned the lessons needed to find a more suitable partner. 

Take that and teach your kids what it takes to be in a successful relationship. 

Show them the rewards and benefits of being in a truly loving and committed relationship. 

I think you need to first learn how to forgive yourself. You did the best you could with what you knew. You made mistakes just like everyone else who ever lived. 

In a loving marriage, there is supposed to be empathy, compassion and a willingness to forgive. Teamwork. 

She quit. You didn't.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Ceegee said:


> And if she does't who gives a flip.
> 
> You'll be better off anyway and won't think twice about what she thinks.
> 
> ...


AMEN to this........it will be interesting to see how negotiations play out......I am going to contact my lawyer and give him a change of direction.......In the beginning I was of the mindset to take it real easy on her because she wanted to "have a nice relationship" with me and I was MOST concerned about reconciling with her. I turned her settlement offer over to a first lawyer I hired just to review the proposal. She laughed at it, said she it was laughable, said she was unqualified to handle such a high profile case, didn't charge me for reading it and turned me on to a qualified family law attorney. We are currently in discovery and I haven't heard squat for quite some time which is good. I originally told him to take it easy on her and keep it amicable but that ship has sailed and I want her to really understand that her actions are going to hit her hard in the wallet. She also has to resume use of her maiden name which she doesn't know about yet......That one's going to hurt! So much for her early retirement!


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Your writing is fine but paragraphs help. HappyMan is write about glasses. I have them but not biofocals. I have taken liberty of breaking up the text so that I can read it more easily.



> Funny you should mention a note! I almost forgot about that since it's been 18 months already......It was some kind of lame drivel, very unemotional and middle of the road clinical. I was so pissed when I read it that it really didn't register as significant at the time. It revealed NOTHING to me that was useful or helped me to understand. It has taken me all this time to finally begin to SEE and UNDERSTAND the dynamics of this.
> 
> Yes, my daughter is on track to become dysfunctional in the relationship department and it is my job to set a proper example. My spouse (not wife anymore as that is a term of endearment) would have no interest in dating the original me as she is more interested in the image of a spouse as opposed to the reality of someone and I can not compete with her in terms of image or actual professional success.
> 
> ...


So, your wife is too cold and uptight to date. Well, you don't have to follow her lead. Your daughter will have a hard time accepting your future SO, especially if she is warm and understanding. She will mistake the ability to empathize with weakness.

How important is bedside manner for the outcome of treatment? Very. For a physician to succeed a patient must follow instructions out of respect for the doctor's judgment while at the same time feeling comfortable enough to raise issues. A patient intimidated by a doctor's pondus will not always speak quickly about problems for fear of offending.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Your writing is fine but paragraphs help. HappyMan is write about glasses. I have them but not biofocals. I have taken liberty of breaking up the text so that I can read it more easily.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Actually my daughter is quite warm and compassionate in her personality....She has been warped only in her view of men and relationships and the value of men.....She will see me lead by example. I never thought my relationship would degrade to this level. Not a very exclusive club! Feel free to edit my structure at any time....I will try to learn to make it easier.


----------



## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Betrayedone said:


> She will see me lead by example.


We call this here - showing Masculine Mettle. Unapologetically.

From here on out - you do things your way w/o answering to anyone.

You decide and follow through without any reservations.

The old you is DONE.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

take some old clothes, bury them, place a cross

the old you has "gone on"


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Thank you for your support........I feel I am growing and grieving at the same time.........some times I feel at peace and other times it hurts like hell but I feel the shift in momentum.........I go to my knees every day and thank God for the strength to get through the day. It helps strengthen me.......my spouse is not spiritual at all and looks down on me for believing in a higher power. To her it shows weakness. How sad is that?


----------



## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Betrayedone said:


> .I go to my knees every day and thank God for the strength to get through the day. It helps strengthen me.......my spouse is not spiritual at all and looks down on me for believing in a higher power. To her it shows weakness. How sad is that?


Than you are at peace, for God wants his children to be happy. You cannot expect happiness if you are unequally yoked with an unbeliever. When the unbelieving spouse flees the believing spouse, let them go. You can't make them stay and you do not have to insist that they stay.

Do as I have done. Mine claims she's a Christian. I asked do you want to try another R. She said nope. I said ok, you want the D, you pay for it. She did. She broke the covenant. I will have a scriptural divorce and I can get remarried in the future if I so choose.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Pictureless said:


> Than you are at peace, for God wants his children to be happy. You cannot expect happiness if you are unequally yoked with an unbeliever. When the unbelieving spouse flees the believing spouse, let them go. You can't make them stay and you do not have to insist that they stay.
> 
> Do as I have done. Mine claims she's a Christian. I asked do you want to try another R. She said nope. I said ok, you want the D, you pay for it. She did. She broke the covenant. I will have a scriptural divorce and I can get remarried in the future if I so choose.


You are doing it right........God bless you.....


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> One other thing.
> 
> Your wife is a coward. For all her professionalism and business ethics personally she is a coward.
> 
> ...


It is very obvious to me you know what you are talking about......your advice is gold to me and you have very high morals......very few people in my life are able to impact me so genuinely........thank you


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Tough day today.......kids went back to college after a month winter break......Was nice having the company while it lasted. Went out dancing with a meetup group last night and it was fun. Nice being around people. Lots of praying today.......


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Glad you got out and socialized last night. Keep doing it. Event at times you just dont feel like it.

And as for prayers, tell me what you are praying for.

Do you pray for you, your wife, kids, your marriage?

But only if you feel like sharing.

Sometimes when you think of what you prayed for your plans become clear.

I know mine do.

I will say a prayer tonight that you find yourself in the ****pit, left seat, in control. 

In Control of your destiny......

HM


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> Glad you got out and socialized last night. Keep doing it. Event at times you just dont feel like it.
> 
> And as for prayers, tell me what you are praying for.
> 
> ...


Hiya HM......Yes, it was one of those backwards sliding days. Still have them. I have been praying mostly for my wifes soul and for her to to come back to a place of spirituality. I believe she is empty and is hurting. I KNOW that the more she hurts the more she throws herself into her work. 

I prayed for my kids safe journey back to school. I prayed for the strength to make clear decisions and to stop the pain. I prayed for marriage restoration OR the wisdom to find my new path. Sounds kind of like a hot mess, huh? I'm nothing if I'm not honest. D


----------



## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Betrayedone said:


> Hiya HM......Yes, it was one of those backwards sliding days. Still have them. I have been praying mostly for my wifes soul and for her to to come back to a place of spirituality. I believe she is empty and is hurting. I KNOW that the more she hurts the more she throws herself into her work.
> 
> I prayed for my kids safe journey back to school. I prayed for the strength to make clear decisions and to stop the pain. I prayed for marriage restoration OR the wisdom to find my new path. Sounds kind of like a hot mess, huh? I'm nothing if I'm not honest. D


You sound honest to me! And strong. I'll pray for you too my friend.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Pictureless said:


> You sound honest to me! And strong. I'll pray for you too my friend.


Thank you, sir........I am soooo looking for a sign of progress. I feel stuck right now. Much pain.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

BOne

Being honest with oneself is where it all starts.

And is it a hot mess? Sure it is. You didn't make it, but you contributed to it.

And you will certainly be the one to clean it up.

But life would not be worth living if everything was perfect.

Can I make a suggestion for you as you move forward with the divorce.

I truly think you need to teach her a lesson. Do not make this Divorce easy for her.

But at the same time instead of mentioning R, just let her know that you are praying for her.

And if she ever asks you what your prayer for her is for just tell her that you hope she finds her "self" again.

*Because sometimes we have to let go of the ones we truly love.

Not because they do not love us but because they do not love themselves.......
*
HM


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

HM........."I truly think you need to teach her a lesson. Do not make this Divorce easy for her."
-I do not intend to, just haven't figured out my gameplan yet. Things are going slowly so my gameplan will evolve as things unfold. Believe me, there was a time not all that long ago that I was willing to roll over and take it easy on her in hopes of R. That ship has sailed!
"But at the same time instead of mentioning R, just let her know that you are praying for her."--Somehow, someway I have to convey that message to her. It's difficult to do because she believes in no one but herself and sees faith in a higher power as weakness. Very sad.

"And if she ever asks you what your prayer for her is for just tell her that you hope she finds her "self" again."--She will never ask this, sadly.

"Because sometimes we have to let go of the ones we truly love."--My rational brain knows this, it's the other part that can't let go.

"Not because they do not love us but because they do not love themselves".......Funny, she accuses me of not loving myself and "I can't make you happy" but she can't see it in herself......Would like to fast forward at least one year right now!


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> Funny, she accuses me of not loving myself and "I can't make you happy" but she can't see it in herself......


Does that really surprise you. 👆👆

We very often get blamed by our spouses for what is really their issue or issues.

They have yo blame somebody right? God forbid they look at themselves.

It is this very flaw that helps make them successful as a business leader or doctor.......


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> Does that really surprise you. 👆👆
> 
> We very often get blamed by our spouses for what is really their issue or issues.
> 
> ...


It will be VERY interesting to she if she can or is willing to reinvent herself. If she does not, it will be a long and lonely road for her. I made a list of her CLOSE relatives and CLOSE friends.......they are all just like her. Why could not I have seen this years ago? UGH


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

When I was courting my wife my father took me aside and asked me if I was sure if this girl was the "one".

I asked him why he had reservations.

He said she is reserved and not very affectionate towards you.

I said that she has very high self esteem and is very prim and proper. 

He said if that is Ok for you then so be it.

He then Told me to look at her mother. I asked him why?

He said because that is who she will become in another thirty years.

And my Dad was right on the money. About everything.

Fortunately for me my MIL is very pretty, a great mom and a great wife.

Interesting enough my parents are still crazy about my wife.

Because my wife has become her mother......

All I am say BetrayedOne is that sometimes we get lucky. Sometimes we don't.

But the key no matter what is to stick the landing. The flight might be bumpy even if the sky was cloud free.

But all anyone will remember was the landing and they got there safe.

HM


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> When I was courting my wife my father took me aside and asked me if I was sure if this girl was the "one".
> 
> I asked him why he had reservations.
> 
> ...


HM- your father did you a great service. My spouse became her father, not her mother. Her mother was just someone my FIL married to avoid deportation after the war (he was Japanese). He was unlucky in love but a brilliant educator and had no relationship skills (total autocrat). When you reference "stick the landing" are you talking about my "ultimate relationship outcome?" I believe you are but not sure. D


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Betrayedone said:


> HM- your father did you a great service. My spouse became her father, not her mother. Her mother was just someone my FIL married to avoid deportation after the war (he was Japanese). He was unlucky in love but a brilliant educator and had no relationship skills (total autocrat). When you reference "stick the landing" are you talking about my "ultimate relationship outcome?" I believe you are but not sure. D


"Stick the landing"

In other words, once you see the road, stay on it.

We're here to help you clear the brush.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Total autocrat. Sounds familiar.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Total autocrat. Sounds familiar.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I called her Uncle, kind of the patriarch of her side of the family who I really like and respect.....I was seeking advice from him. He treated me kindly and said "I see a LOT of her father in her" and my advice would be to "prepare to move on." Not what I wanted to hear but I needed to hear it non-the-less. My "problem" is that I have a high degree of LOYALTY in me and it is screwing me to the wall........


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Betrayedone said:


> Yes, I called her Uncle, kind of the patriarch of her side of the family who I really like and respect.....I was seeking advice from him. He treated me kindly and said "I see a LOT of her father in her" and my advice would be to "prepare to move on." Not what I wanted to hear but I needed to hear it non-the-less. My "problem" is that I have a high degree of LOYALTY in me and it is screwing me to the wall........


Reaching out to her family is a big mistake.

Blood is thicker than water.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Conrad said:


> Reaching out to her family is a big mistake.
> 
> Blood is thicker than water.


Yes, I understand......I really did not expect much from the interaction. It was also a "happy new year, remember me?" conversation. It was also a way for me to say goodbye to them.........


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Betrayedone said:


> Yes, I understand......I really did not expect much from the interaction. It was also a "happy new year, remember me?" conversation. It was also a way for me to say goodbye to them.........


Make it the last time.

You won't miss them.


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Reaching out to her family is a big mistake.
> 
> 
> 
> Blood is thicker than water.



Still good to true to yourself and remain civil. 

Disordered people burn a lot a bridges.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Ceegee said:


> Still good to true to yourself and remain civil.
> 
> Disordered people burn a lot a bridges.


Agreed, but 99% gain nothing but heartache by reaching out to their "confidantes" in the families of the disordered.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Yes BOne.

The outcome of your marriage is clear.

There is nothing you can do to save it.

That choice was taken away from you by your WAW.

WAW=Walk Away Wife

She planned this for awhile. She was just waiting for your son to hit college.

It is common on TAM.

Read BigTones thread when you have time.

The real key is focusing on you now.

Get your physical health back.
Get your mental health back.
Get a job.
Finish the divorce with a good outcome for you.

And then just have a coparent relationship with her.

We know you care about her. That is normal.

But remember just how much care she had/has for you.

Finish the divorce and move on. Find a great woman. They are out there.

Then determine what your relationship with your Ex will be.

You are in control of you.

HM


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> Yes BOne.
> 
> The outcome of your marriage is clear.
> 
> ...


Roger that.....I probably won't have much to say until/unless I backslide and when proceedings begin to happen. Maybe I will, who knows? I HATE every trip to the mailbox....waiting for the poison documents, etc.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Betrayedone said:


> Roger that.....I probably won't have much to say until/unless I backslide and when proceedings begin to happen. Maybe I will, who knows? I HATE every trip to the mailbox....waiting for the poison documents, etc.


Why wait for them.

Ask her where they are.

Then turn it into poison for her.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> Why wait for them.
> 
> Ask her where they are.
> 
> Then turn it into poison for her.


interesting......possible, hmmm


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Betrayedone said:


> interesting......possible, hmmm


Drive it.

Take leadership in your own life.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Betrayedone said:


> Roger that.....I probably won't have much to say until/unless I backslide and when proceedings begin to happen. Maybe I will, who knows? I HATE every trip to the mailbox....waiting for the poison documents, etc.


Make the effort not to backside.

Be aware of it. If it starts to happen, put a stop to it.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

God and life gives us what we need.........I have a date Thursday with a seemingly nice, educated, lady. It has been 18 months since spouse left. I feel I am ready.


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

good for you man, good luck, is time to reagain your game


----------



## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

betrayed one, I read the first and the final pages of this. All I can say is it sucks when you realize that you and your spouse are not even in the same ballpark when it comes to goals/values/being on the same team. good for you for moving on! Enjoy your date!


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Enjoy your date. Any updAte on the paperwork?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> Enjoy your date. Any updAte on the paperwork?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi HM, I called my atty yesterday and said WTF, over? What is our status? He says no financial paper work disclosure statements back from her camp yet but they still legally have time. My atty seems kind of docile and I am somewhat invested in him monetarily but I am giving him just a little more rope but I am watching him like a hawk. I told him my amicable previous stance is no longer on the table and she needs to feel the pain. My atty goes from you should be able to get X amount to "these things are hard to predict." My return to work is also likely to be a factor in alimony amount. If I was smart I would wait until this was all over but I can not take being off anymore and Monday I have a pow wow with the FAA doc and expect to be back in the pipeline very soon. Date yesterday-----lunch date with a tall, fit, educated blond lady who is also in the health care management field! Why me? I'm a little gun shy about power women, if you know what I mean. She was very nice but hard to read. We were going to get together tomorrow as well but 4-6 inches of snow is expected so we are on hold. I told her she should come over tonight and stay the weekend and then the roads will be clear by then!! No such luck but bonus points for balls! I'm going dancing locally tomorrow night and I usually do well there so I'm trying to put together a dinner afterwards with one of those ladies.......I'm trying man........

Oh, BTW, last week I was in FL with my best friend. We go to televised car auctions together about twice a year. He happens to be the husband of my spouse's right hand lady/best friend at the place they both worked at previously. How weird is that? He's my best friend and she's my spouse's best friend. Anyway, he says to me when he got home that his wife was pimping him for info about how much of a hard ass I am going to be on this divorce(goes directly to my spouse). He tells her nothing and is my safe person.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

BOne

Keep using your [email protected]!

On your dates and your STBX.

I think going back to work is great. ANd while I agree with sticking it to her I think going back to work, being independent financially, having a social life and generally being happy without her shows her and your family just the man you truly are......

Have fun dancing and stay warm.

Look forward to hearing you get your flight status back online.

HM

PS
I think you will find out more things about your wife after you guys are divorced.
She is certainly not the same woman you married.
Maybe you should pump your friends wife for info just to get everything in the open.

You might be enlightened.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> BOne
> 
> Keep using your [email protected]!
> 
> ...


I would be quite surprised if there was OM but at this point it wouldn't even bother me. I would laugh my azz off because I could not even comprehend the type of man who could be with her. Honest.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

It might not be another man.

How far away did she move from you?

And did she have to move for work?


----------



## bagdon (Jun 7, 2013)

Betrayedone said:


> the one thing I THOUGHT I could count on is our always being a TEAM even in the face of prolonged adversity. Hence my screen name of Betrayed. I may have sucked for a long time but I always believed in the vow and she seems to dismiss the vows without a care stating it happens to people all the time.
> «


I know exactly how that feels!

Praying for your life and your family BOne. Keep taking good care of yourself.

Oh, and Semper Fi! from a former marine bro. We both know that God's promises are real and He is Faithful. Know that!


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> It might not be another man.
> 
> How far away did she move from you?
> 
> And did she have to move for work?


She bought a condo on the 33rd floor in pricy mid town Atlanta.....cash. She chose to move there.....I was away for the weekend 18 mos ago and came home and she was gone......I am in Illinois. No decent woman does this. I am finding strength and peace. This site has helped me immensly.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

bagdon said:


> I know exactly how that feels!
> 
> Praying for your life and your family BOne. Keep taking good care of yourself.
> 
> Oh, and Semper Fi! from a former marine bro. We both know that God's promises are real and He is Faithful. Know that!


Thanks Bags....I would ask that you do one thing.....Your story is so compelling and uplifting that I would ask that you mentor others on this site and give others the benefit of your experience. Others need you.....Uh Rah


----------



## "joe" (Aug 19, 2013)

i haven't read the entire thread yet, but:



happyman64 said:


> One other thing.
> Your wife is a coward. For all her professionalism and business ethics personally she is a coward.


this.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Betrayedone said:


> She bought a condo on the 33rd floor in pricy mid town Atlanta.....cash. She chose to move there.....I was away for the weekend 18 mos ago and came home and she was gone......I am in Illinois. No decent woman does this. I am finding strength and peace. This site has helped me immensly.


No decent spouse does that.

And talk about planting new roots. Very strange.

Continue to find strength and peace. 

Life will get better. 

And when you do replace her please do it with a total hottie that is prettier, nicer, lovelier and honest.

I would add younger because that will make her think twice but I do not want to sound like a complete "revenge" artist.... 

Enjoy the game today.
HM


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> No decent spouse does that.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



To this list of qualifications I'd add the desire - not just willingness - to show you love the way you want to be loved.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Her behavior repulses. 

Don't worry about work effecting alimony. 

You ought to be half owner of her place in Atlanta.

Do you think your WAW is a lesbian?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

WAW=Walk Away Wife

or maybe she is a 

WAW=Work Aholic Wife

My guess is she suffers from NPD.

Time will reveal all.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

All you guys are spot on in your observations and I will settle for nothing less than you want for me in future relationships. I have been putting up with so much crap for so long that it became normal for me. MOST of the time, though, I was alone.....either being on the road for my job OR even when I was home because she puts in 18 hour days. NPD? That's one of the few I don't know what it means. Narcissist personality disorder? I am no expert but I don't see this as likely. What I would say is more likely is some form of depression. Maybe I was her depression? She functions well at work, period. She spends ZERO time doing any form of introspection. She is a brilliant person in many ways but there is a HUGE void in her where interpersonal skills and family values should be. On a side note...I went out dancing with a local group last night and was a blast.....I was not turned down once.....Had a late dinner then continued to dance. Had lots of fun conversations with a half dozen nice women. You know what's interesting? The more exposure I get, which is not a super lot, it's almost like there is a vacuum around me and people are drawn to me. Very interesting and something I'm not used to. It's kind of like how you wanted things to be dating wise when you were younger but never really happened unless you had something irrisistable about you is now happening to me very easily and often. Got home at 2 am.....whew.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Her behavior repulses.
> 
> Don't worry about work effecting alimony.
> 
> ...


Yea...timeshare, I like it. I think she is very asexual but not lesbian. Didn't start out that way 24 years ago, though. I know my sex rank went down slowly as time went on and her career skyrocketed and mine suffered. Fact.. Take that to the bank. I saw it, caught it, stopped it, and started to turn it around. Her opinion of me means nothing to me anymore. Zip, zero, nada........I feel like a coldfront has come through and blown all the haze and stench away and left me with cool, clear skies and unlimited clarity and visibility...........


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Betrayedone said:


> Yea...timeshare, I like it. I think she is very asexual but not lesbian. Didn't start out that way 24 years ago, though. I know my sex rank went down slowly as time went on and her career skyrocketed and mine suffered. Fact.. Take that to the bank. I saw it, caught it, stopped it, and started to turn it around. Her opinion of me means nothing to me anymore. Zip, zero, nada........I feel like a coldfront has come through and blown all the haze and stench away and left me with cool, clear skies and unlimited clarity and visibility...........


Make certain you claim 50% of her current place in legal papers.


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Betrayedone said:


> All you guys are spot on in your observations and I will settle for nothing less than you want for me in future relationships. I have been putting up with so much crap for so long that it became normal for me. MOST of the time, though, I was alone.....either being on the road for my job OR even when I was home because she puts in 18 hour days. NPD? That's one of the few I don't know what it means. Narcissist personality disorder? I am no expert but I don't see this as likely. What I would say is more likely is some form of depression. Maybe I was her depression? She functions well at work, period. She spends ZERO time doing any form of introspection. She is a brilliant person in many ways but there is a HUGE void in her where interpersonal skills and family values should be. On a side note...I went out dancing with a local group last night and was a blast.....I was not turned down once.....Had a late dinner then continued to dance. Had lots of fun conversations with a half dozen nice women. You know what's interesting? The more exposure I get, which is not a super lot, it's almost like there is a vacuum around me and people are drawn to me. Very interesting and something I'm not used to. It's kind of like how you wanted things to be dating wise when you were younger but never really happened unless you had something irrisistable about you is now happening to me very easily and often. Got home at 2 am.....whew.



Fun isn't it?

Get used to it. 

It snowballs.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Conrad said:


> Make certain you claim 50% of her current place in legal papers.


Oh yes....no stone unturned.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Ceegee said:


> Fun isn't it?
> 
> Get used to it.
> 
> It snowballs.


Still very new to me. You say to expect an increase in activity? This is not a "sexual" event for me but I find the greatest reward has been just quality people who are willing to TALK to me and be interested and laugh with me. I swear, I equate what is happening to me as similar to an inmate who has been in long term solitary confinement on the verge of going mad who is suddenly released into a minimum security, club med type institution.....It's that dramatic for me. :smthumbup:


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Betrayedone said:


> Still very new to me. You say to expect an increase in activity? This is not a "sexual" event for me but I find the greatest reward has been just quality people who are willing to TALK to me and be interested and laugh with me. I swear, I equate what is happening to me as similar to an inmate who has been in long term solitary confinement on the verge of going mad who is suddenly released into a minimum security, club med type institution.....It's that dramatic for me. :smthumbup:



It may not be sexual to you but it may be to them. 

Doesn't really matter. 

They are interested.

Does wonders for the self esteem and confidence. Then they become even more interested. Hence the snowball effect. 

You'll probably find that your range has increased too. 

I'm 42 and have dated women between the ages of 28 and 45. 

The 28 year old was hotter than a hot August afternoon in Texas but was dumber than a sack of rocks. 

Doesn't matter though. Just have some fun (whatever that means to you) before settling. 

Soon enough you'll be wondering why you put up with what you did for so long.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Ceegee said:


> It may not be sexual to you but it may be to them.
> 
> Doesn't really matter.
> 
> ...


Had dinner last night with a nice 60 y/o lady....I'm 55 but am very trim, v shaped even, work out regularly, dress nicely, smile a lot and am not afraid to dance....Lots of dancing. Might go tonight, even. I met some people last night that want me to come to the same place next week to join their group after yoga class. Hmmm.....These are things that I would rather be doing with my spouse but that ship has sailed. You know it's been at least 10 years that we danced together? Then it would be only like one dance. Sad. I haven't experienced the range of age you speak of but I am only just getting out there. I have given age of a potential mate much thought and although I take everyone I meet at face value I THINK someone near my age offers the greatest chance of success. I don't know, I'm just rambling on this. The attention is nice....I am so NOT used to it. On my way out last night some ladies called me over and started chatting me up.......we sat there for an hour. Just nice........Thanks for the encouragement.......


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

I had a long conversation with my 22 y/o daughter tonight. She gets it....She really does. I finished by saying to her that I could not even possibly imagine the kind of man who could be with my spouse, especially in her current state. I was trying to assign perhaps physical,mental, personality traits that my spouse would be attracted to or vice versa............My daughter said "he would have to be a mind reader to have a chance." I laughed my ass off and was nodding in agreement. Out of the mouthes of babes..........


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Having a rough day today folks.......Nothing in particular, I guess, just having feelings of lonliness, weakness and a desire to reach out.....which I don't think is the right thing. The lawyer stuff is just beginning to escalate which is going to drive a bigger wedge between us. I know my situation is hopeless....BUT some part of my heart, not necessarily my brain would like things to be good between us but it is not going to be. I just see a path of destruction in front of me......lawyers getting rich. Help, please.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Betrayedone said:


> Having a rough day today folks.......Nothing in particular, I guess, just having feelings of lonliness, weakness and a desire to reach out.....which I don't think is the right thing. The lawyer stuff is just beginning to escalate which is going to drive a bigger wedge between us. I know my situation is hopeless....BUT some part of my heart, not necessarily my brain would like things to be good between us but it is not going to be. I just see a path of destruction in front of me......lawyers getting rich. Help, please.


BOne

You are right. Reaching out to her is not an option.

How many times has she reached out to you? To talk freely, openly, honestly.......

When you get those feelings reach out here or to a friend.

Because you need to remember one thing.

Your wife walked out on you.

And she did it in a very cowardly, hurtful way IMO.

Sure the lawyers will take more as this divorce heats up.

But ask yourself one question.

Does she deserve a amicable divorce? Do you feel you deserve anything from your wife? Any compensation?

If it was me I would go legal just to see if my wife has any feelings left at all?

So stop thinking of her and your marriage. She is not.

And focus on yourself, your kids and your career.

HM


----------



## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

It's a strange feeling when even after all they have done and all hope is lost that you still have a part of you that wants them. I've come to the conclusion that the only answer from here on out is you've got to find a way to move forward. It's the only answer and the only thing you can do. Find a way to move forward and find yourself again.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> BOne
> 
> You are right. Reaching out to her is not an option.
> 
> ...


I know, HM, I know the answers to all of your questions....The brain knows nothing but pure logic. I know for a fact that most of this nonsense emotion will come to a screaching halt when I get my azz back to work.....All those wheels are in motion and my part has been fulfilled for now. FAA approval comes next, hopefully without any glitches. It's CRAZY, because I have stuff on my social calendar this weekend and I SHOULD be stoked about it but I find myself in this crazy funk. I warned you guys that there would be days like this. I am going back to divorce care class starting on Monday. I only completed the final 4 sessions after BD last October so I have unfinished business there. I love those people as they are so honest and give a lot of themselves. I am having difficulty being STILL. This is odd because most of my life I have been alone. My own house in the military, 4 days in a row in my own hotel room for my job, and being alone for most of my marriage even when I was home because she was at work 18 hours a day SOoo having trouble being alone NOW is confusing me. It is uncomfortable for me now and I don't know why.........


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

ICLH said:


> It's a strange feeling when even after all they have done and all hope is lost that you still have a part of you that wants them. I've come to the conclusion that the only answer from here on out is you've got to find a way to move forward. It's the only answer and the only thing you can do. Find a way to move forward and find yourself again.


Absolutely, I get it. Every work you speak is the truth. I wish my heart was as cold as hers....It would make moving on very easy........


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Whew......got through another day....That was a close one......


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Betrayedone said:


> I know, HM, I know the answers to all of your questions....The brain knows nothing but pure logic. I know for a fact that most of this nonsense emotion will come to a screaching halt when I get my azz back to work.....All those wheels are in motion and my part has been fulfilled for now. FAA approval comes next, hopefully without any glitches. It's CRAZY, because I have stuff on my social calendar this weekend and I SHOULD be stoked about it but I find myself in this crazy funk. I warned you guys that there would be days like this. I am going back to divorce care class starting on Monday. I only completed the final 4 sessions after BD last October so I have unfinished business there. I love those people as they are so honest and give a lot of themselves. I am having difficulty being STILL. This is odd because most of my life I have been alone. My own house in the military, 4 days in a row in my own hotel room for my job, and being alone for most of my marriage even when I was home because she was at work 18 hours a day SOoo having trouble being alone NOW is confusing me. It is uncomfortable for me now and I don't know why.........



It's confusing because it's not being alone that's uncomfortable. What's uncomfortable is knowing that you're alone because one particular person doesn't want to be with you. 

Use that as fuel to get you through this. 

It's something you can't control so forget it and focus on what you can control.


----------



## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Betrayedone said:


> Still very new to me. You say to expect an increase in activity? This is not a "sexual" event for me but I find the greatest reward has been just quality people who are willing to TALK to me and be interested and laugh with me. I swear, I equate what is happening to me as similar to an inmate who has been in long term solitary confinement on the verge of going mad who is suddenly released into a minimum security, club med type institution.....It's that dramatic for me. :smthumbup:


Amen! This is true for me too. It is very dramatic to have people interested again.

Sorry to hear about your lonely day. I get it. This week was a bit rough...maybe something in the zeitgeist? I ended up booking a ton of events and upping the exercise. It helped.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

CeeGee, I think you're onto something there.....the rejection by one person. Makes even less sense that that one person is even more dysfunctional than I am. Makes no sense at all. Again, the heart sometimes overrules the head. I have a date tonight and a date tomorrow.....I hope that I will be able to shift my focus and give these people my best, full, genuine attention. It will be good. BTW, I am 3/4 through the book Awareness........I get the message but I find it a difficult, somewhat confusing read. I don't know what I am missing here but perhaps I am so far away from being "awake" that I am not aligned with its message.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Fenix said:


> Amen! This is true for me too. It is very dramatic to have people interested again.
> 
> Sorry to hear about your lonely day. I get it. This week was a bit rough...maybe something in the zeitgeist? I ended up booking a ton of events and upping the exercise. It helped.


Yea Fenix...seems like something was in the air for us yesterday. The weekend activities have just arrived just in the nick of time. I feel like my lawyer status and my marriage status is in such a state of limbo and I got weak and felt out of control.


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Betrayedone said:


> CeeGee, I think you're onto something there.....the rejection by one person. Makes even less sense that that one person is even more dysfunctional than I am. Makes no sense at all. Again, the heart sometimes overrules the head. I have a date tonight and a date tomorrow.....I hope that I will be able to shift my focus and give these people my best, full, genuine attention. It will be good. BTW, I am 3/4 through the book Awareness........I get the message but I find it a difficult, somewhat confusing read. I don't know what I am missing here but perhaps I am so far away from being "awake" that I am not aligned with its message.


It makes sense because you are/were emotionally connected to her. 

Work on breaking that connection. 

Realize that, in a world with billions of people, being rejected by one ain't no big thing.

Also realize, she has freed you to find a person(s) who can give you the things she couldn't/wouldn't.

Most don't get the full effect of Awareness on the first read. I read it the first time from beginning to end and felt 100 times better. I still go back to it and read bits and pieces. Particularly about charity - it's where you'll learn about the #3's we talk about here so often. That was my biggest weakness in my marriage and the source of my resentment.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Ceegee said:


> It makes sense because you are/were emotionally connected to her.
> 
> Work on breaking that connection.
> 
> ...


Lots of redundancy of the message in the book. Parts of it are perfectly comprehensible to me.....others not so much. I don't know if I will be able to revisit it. I like MMSLP LOTS more!:smthumbup:


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Betrayedone said:


> Lots of redundancy of the message in the book. Parts of it are perfectly comprehensible to me.....others not so much. I don't know if I will be able to revisit it. I like MMSLP LOTS more!:smthumbup:


MMSLP much more practical and less esoteric.

Read as much as you can; use what works for you.


----------



## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

What is MMSLP?


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

AFPhoenix said:


> What is MMSLP?


A book by Athol Kay (TAM member).

Here's the link on Amazon. 

Amazon.com: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 eBook: Athol Kay: Kindle Store


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

I am reading Awareness right now and will finish it. Trying to be open minded until I'm finished.....I want to be "awake."


----------



## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Also if you are religious the bible has many stories in it about overcoming setbacks and achieving victory over rejection.

I'm with you my friend. No matter how we get past this trial, we will both be better in time. That is for sure!


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Pictureless said:


> Also if you are religious the bible has many stories in it about overcoming setbacks and achieving victory over rejection.
> 
> I'm with you my friend. No matter how we get past this trial, we will both be better in time. That is for sure!


I told you pictureless....I'm not that far from you in this.....thanks for the pat on the back.....


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Had a date tonight that was set up loosely last week.....didn't even know if she would show.........she showed. Good time, nice lady, great connection. Great conversation, we will see each other again......Life gives you what you need when you need it. I'm convinced........Thank you, God.....


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Betrayedone said:


> Had a date tonight that was set up loosely last week.....didn't even know if she would show.........she showed. Good time, nice lady, great connection. Great conversation, we will see each other again......Life gives you what you need when you need it. I'm convinced........Thank you, God.....


Amen!!!


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

.......had my second date with a "fixup" but certainly not a fixer upper.......Keeping things in perspective but definitely enjoying each others company and already have a series of events planned together. The fact that I have examined my "faults" and have made improvements to myself and done the requisite study and reading has honed me into someone I like and she appreciates. It's really eye opening how easy it is for us to believe our self worth is what our significant other says it is or is based on how they treat us. Guilty as charged. Self improvement and confidence is a wonderful thing. It works.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Betrayedone said:


> .......had my second date with a "fixup" but certainly not a fixer upper.......Keeping things in perspective but definitely enjoying each others company and already have a series of events planned together. The fact that I have examined my "faults" and have made improvements to myself and done the requisite study and reading has honed me into someone I like and she appreciates. It's really eye opening how easy it is for us to believe our self worth is what our significant other says it is or is based on how they treat us. Guilty as charged. Self improvement and confidence is a wonderful thing. It works.


While the positive feedback feels good, keep Zillard's message in mind. It's very easy to drift into pleasing behavior. This will now be a life project for you (to avoid this).

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/86433-z-58.html#post7060153


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Conrad said:


> While the positive feedback feels good, keep Zillard's message in mind. It's very easy to drift into pleasing behavior. This will now be a life project for you (to avoid this).
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/86433-z-58.html#post7060153


Read his entire thread into the wee hours last night. I get it.......On another note, last night began a new 13 week session of Divorce Care class. I only attended the last 4 session of previous class as that's when my BD occurred. It's always sad to see a fresh crop of people who are in pain but THIS TIME I am able to help these people as a quasi mentor and tell them all the things they need to hear to help them heal. It feels good to see the difference in them from the beginning to the end. Things are looking up......I hope there's not a crash along the path. Learning to be healthy without being dependent on someone else. As Frankie said, "I'm doing it my wayyyy."


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Betrayedone said:


> Read his entire thread into the wee hours last night. I get it.......On another note, last night began a new 13 week session of Divorce Care class. I only attended the last 4 session of previous class as that's when my BD occurred. It's always sad to see a fresh crop of people who are in pain but THIS TIME I am able to help these people as a quasi mentor and tell them all the things they need to hear to help them heal. It feels good to see the difference in them from the beginning to the end. Things are looking up......I hope there's not a crash along the path. Learning to be healthy without being dependent on someone else. As Frankie said, "I'm doing it my wayyyy."


You're on the road now.

Stay the course.

There will be some emotional bumps, but no crash.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Conrad said:


> You're on the road now.
> 
> Stay the course.
> 
> There will be some emotional bumps, but no crash.


cool.......I can see colors now, not just black and white. Had a discussion today with my therapist/friend and we talked about new events. He seems to think my actions and thought process is healthy. I do too. Only negatives now is the divorce process I'm in. I don't trust my lawyer but I need to get through discovery and give him enough rope to hang himself. After discovery a decision needs to be made.


----------



## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

Betrayedone said:


> cool.......I can see colors now, not just black and white. Had a discussion today with my therapist/friend and we talked about new events. He seems to think my actions and thought process is healthy. I do too. Only negatives now is the divorce process I'm in. *I don't trust my lawyer* but I need to get through discovery and give him enough rope to hang himself. After discovery a decision needs to be made.


Leading your lawyer to suicide doesn't sound good. 

Find the lawyer you can trust but also make sure your demands are reasonable. 

My understanding was you are keeping the family house. How you can demand 50% of your wife new apartment? It should be 50/50 not 75/25.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Aerith said:


> Leading your lawyer to suicide doesn't sound good.
> 
> Find the lawyer you can trust but also make sure your demands are reasonable.
> 
> My understanding was you are keeping the family house. How you can demand 50% of your wife new apartment? It should be 50/50 not 75/25.


.....there is another house....a vacation house on a lake....that's the wildcard. I initally agreed to allow her to have that to herself but I may want 50% of that as I do all of the work and maintenance which is a great value to her. Plus I like to use it in the summer and the winter. If she gets the lakehouse free and clear I would be entitled to 50% of the condo most likely. All values are about equal for each property.


----------

