# Couldn’t get over it and here I am



## Jhstout

My husband and I have been married for 22 years. On our 10th anniversary I found out he was having an affair and he moved out. After a few months we decided to work it out and he came home. Unfortunately, instead of working on it he decided that it would just be best to forget it and move on. I begged him to go to councilling. I had so many question which he wouldn’t answer and he insisted we could fix it ourselves. As time went on, I got sadder and angrier. He acknowledged that I was hurt and he would just wait me out until I wasn’t mad anymore. I just didn’t know what to do. I’m ashamed to admit it but I threw the affair up in his face all the time, I talked about divorce a lot; I said horrible unkind things. Our marriage was hard for a long time. Finally after I managed to work out my feelings about the affair on my own. I was so excited to tell him but as I’m telling him he turns and says it’s too late. Our relationship is over; he’d known for a couple of months and just hadn’t gotten around to telling me. Honestly, I don’t blame him, I was horrible and now I’m telling him I want to work it out after years of telling him we should get a divorce. I get were he’s at and I don’t blame him. 
Now here is where I’m so confused. I asked him to go to therapy. I figured even if we couldn’t fix us we could figure a way to make it work for our kids. He agreed and even asked if I could help him find a therapist of him own (which I did). But he’s all over the map about what’s going on with us as a couple. He says we are over but he constantly makes references to thing we are going to do in the future; fix the roof (5 years down the road), planning for retirement, etc. When I asked him why he keeps talking about future plans when it’s over he says he doesn’t want to get divorced. He’s says that we’ve lived like roommates for the last few years so we might as well just keep on with that; he “doesn’t need a piece of paper to tell him it’s over”. When I told I did think that was a viable option for me he accused me of scorching earth. And now, for the first time in years he wants to do stuff with me. He’s asked if I would like him to teach me how to knit, just walked up and asked if I would play a video game with him and asks me to watch tv with him. 
I just don’t understand what’s happening. Is he confused about what he wants? Is he just messing with me? I just need someone else’s perspective. Please help


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## jorgegene

He wants to keep you as a buddy while he visits his mistress whenever he wants.

No bueno. Won't work unless you have no self esteem and you should.

'Scorched earth?' No, self respect. Can't have your cake and eat it too. Sorry bub.


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## maryslittlelamb

he wants to keep his money instead of growing a pair and move on properly start from fresh. if you want divorce , get it done behind his back and move out first. he will continue to drag issue if you don't .


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## adegirl2016

Sounds to me like he has decided in his mind it is over, but there are many reasons he may not actually pursue divorce. He wants to keep you around as a friend but pursue other women on the side.


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## hoblob

Go see an attorney. He already did, which is why he’s proposing this complete bs. 
He cheated, buried it, and now has decided to end the marriage.
Tell him to F off


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## Trident

See here's the thing. When everything first broke, and he was out of the house- you had all the leverage to get him to do whatever it took for you to forgive him. 

That would have been the time to lay down the law- counseling and improvement OVER TIME- before you even think about taking him back. Even better would have been to meet with an attorney and at least serve him with divorce papers so he knew you were serious. 

When you agreed to "work it out" with no strings attached it only reinforced to him that he can basically do whatever he wants and he'll get away with it. Sort of an adult version of a kid getting his hand slapped when he's caught grabbing the cookies out of the jar before dinner. 

Not all that much you can do now, except everything I said above. You'd have to come at it from a slightly different angle since time has passed. You go see an attorney, file the papers, maybe even throw in some stuff about how nasty he's been and how you feel physically threatened at times so you want him removed from the house. Then once he's out, you're back in a position to force him to go to counseling and make those positive changes. 

If he doesn't, you're already that step closer to getting this cheating remorseless loser out of your life.

Some attorneys charge for this advice, you're getting it for free!


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