# In a Bad Place Lately



## OnMyOwnat50 (Jan 28, 2013)

In a bad place the past few days. Well, I guess it has been a week or so, and it started with me finding out my STBXH had bought a house and let the married OW move into it. STBXH not currently living there. Still at his brother’s 50 miles away, where he has been living since we split 11 months ago. Thought it would be easier by now. D21 texted me last night to tell me STBXH had finally texted her. He had ended their last text exchange a week ago by saying “Have a good life” because he was mad that she doesn’t support his relationship with the OW. OW and STBXH started an EA three years ago this month. Been off and on since then depending on how things were going in their marriages.

Conversation between D21 and STBXH got me all riled up because he was trying to justify his relationship with OW, telling her it's complicated, and bringing up me and the fact that I have had dinner/drinks with an old boyfriend, and asking how my relationship is different than his. Doesn’t grasp the difference between me having dinner/drinks on occasion (beginning about 5 months post separation) with an old friend (who is also soon-to-be divorced) vs him, two weeks after our separation, going after the same married woman he had an EA with about two years previously. Can’t get it all out of my head. Don’t know why I care about whether the OW is manipulating him again. Twice this woman started a relationship with STBXH and twice she broke it off to work on things with her H. Wish people weren’t so evil. My sister knows of the OW because they used to work at the same place (same place my STBXH works), and she says based on what she knows of her, she is manipulative enough to convince him to buy a house in her town (with promises of a future together), one hour from where they work and 50 miles from his closest relative or friend just to try to prove another point to her H, who is still fighting to get her back….and my STBXH is stupid enough to believe they can really make their relationship work…and desperate to find someone (told D24 at a wedding they attended in late May that he was so afraid he was going to be alone the rest of his life). 

Of course I don’t want their relationship to work. Not for myself (although it makes me sad) but for D21 and D24. They have both made it clear that while they will always love him and want him to be a part of their lives, their contact with him will be limited because of the OW. Would they be happy if he had a relationship with someone other than a woman who is married with 3 kids (2 still at home) --- yes. But they can’t forgive the OW or STBXH for getting involved when they were both still married (3 years ago and off and on since) and that they both apparently cared so little about how their actions would affect their kids. D21 and D24 have made it clear that if there is a family event for the holidays or something, that if OW is with their dad, then they won’t be there. STBXH is a passive-aggressive, never really close to his daughters, so D21 basically says he hasn’t been a part of her life for 21 years, so she just tries not to think about her future without him in her life. D24 wears her emotions on her sleeve. Angry and hurt, sad about the future relationship with her dad, sad that he is not a man she can respect, but also trying hard to maintain whatever limited relationship she can with him…but also afraid on the other hand that if things don’t work out with the OW that he will fall into a deep, dark place and try to kill himself. 

How do I stop thinking about a man that I have been with for 30 years? How do I stop letting his actions affect me? Why is this hitting me so hard 11 months after our separation and 15 months after I told him I wanted a divorce? 

I feel like I have taken ten steps back the past couple weeks….


----------



## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

I would say you need to try to focus on yourself. Your comments are very much focused on the the lying cheater.

It is really up to him to manage his relationship with the girls, not you.

By the way, I thought it was pretty cool that you renewed your friendship with an old friend. Expanding your social life is going to be so very important to your healing.

Be strong,
Stretch


----------



## OnMyOwnat50 (Jan 28, 2013)

Thanks, Stretch. You told me the same thing when you responded to my initial post, and I agree, I need to start focusing on myself more and much less on my STBXH. I'm trying. The old friend...that hasn't turned out too well, but it was nice while it lasted!


----------



## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

If you have some time, read through the Life after Divorce thread about Dating after divorce, expectations. I think I may have seen you comment over there. The Anchorman, DeeJo, lays out an interesting way for us to look at our new relationships. That sweet intensity and thrill, even if short, can be an esteem builder if put in the correct perspective. So the old friend, "Did you think you were going to get married or something?" Just some lighthearted joking about how messed up we are. Let's laugh at ourselves and learn and enjoy the experience if we can.

Just jibberish,
Stretch


----------

