# Being Single Again after Divorce



## kclark30 (Nov 6, 2021)

So I've officially been divorced for exactly 4 months. I bought a house in a new town that I had never been to at all to start a new life a little over a month ago. My ex-husband was a narcissist so it's been difficult living alone and being able to do anything I want without feeling controlled. It's been a weird feeling that I haven't gotten used to yet. I work for myself and have my own business and it's been really hard managing it. Sometimes I feel like I am self sabotaging myself by neglecting my customers. I left my marriage that was abusive, there are no kids, I have a nice house and live in a nice town, I had to buy a brand new car, lost 40lbs in the divorce so I'm super skinny now, have a great business, and yet I feel like I don't deserve these things for some reason. If I was an outsider looking in, I would think that I've got everything I need...but I feel so empty inside. I walk 4 miles a day to help work through my feelings. I have a friends with benefits who is also a fellow divorcee so I have a little bit of companionship there. I'm going to start talking with a therapist on Monday about my feelings and new life. Has anyone else experiences these feelings? Should I be doing other things that I'm not already doing? I've had a hard time focusing on things. The most important thing that bothers me is that I have no goals to work towards. I wake up and take my life day by day which is def not me. I have always had goals so that kinda worries me. Has anyone else ever been in this place?


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

I was in similar circumstances after my divorce. Your feelings are normal, and you feel that way because narcissists are emotional vampires. They suck the life right out of you. You just need time, for me it took 3 years and a lot of self care to feel like myself again.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

kclark30 said:


> So I've officially been divorced for exactly 4 months. I bought a house in a new town that I had never been to at all to start a new life a little over a month ago. My ex-husband was a narcissist so it's been difficult living alone and being able to do anything I want without feeling controlled. It's been a weird feeling that I haven't gotten used to yet. I work for myself and have my own business and it's been really hard managing it. Sometimes I feel like I am self sabotaging myself by neglecting my customers. I left my marriage that was abusive, there are no kids, I have a nice house and live in a nice town, I had to buy a brand new car, lost 40lbs in the divorce so I'm super skinny now, have a great business, and yet I feel like I don't deserve these things for some reason. If I was an outsider looking in, I would think that I've got everything I need...but I feel so empty inside. I walk 4 miles a day to help work through my feelings. I have a friends with benefits who is also a fellow divorcee so I have a little bit of companionship there. I'm going to start talking with a therapist on Monday about my feelings and new life. Has anyone else experiences these feelings? Should I be doing other things that I'm not already doing? I've had a hard time focusing on things. The most important thing that bothers me is that I have no goals to work towards. I wake up and take my life day by day which is def not me. I have always had goals so that kinda worries me. Has anyone else ever been in this place?


I agree with @Red Sonja, being in this situation is very much like grief. There’s no prescribed set of guidelines to get back to a normal life, or any timeline to follow. You just have to go day by day for a while…sometimes a long while. 

And self-care is important, it sounds like you’re doing that already. Just try not to over-analyze it. Take things slow, at your own pace, and don’t worry so much about where you think you should be.

If you’re moving forward, and getting your life back on track (which you are) then you’re exactly where you should be.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

I've never been through a divorce, but I have lived a long time. Give yourself some time. You have a lot of good things going for you. Four months is not a long time to adjust to a new life. You'll be just fine.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Sounds like you are looking for your purpose. 

It's terrible you had to deal with a narc. You didn't mention any hobbies. 


I'd say find something that interests you and go do it. 


Get really good at it. Enjoy it. Meet new people while you enjoy it. 


I personally get a lot of satisfaction out of like by helping others. No strings attached. Just doing things for others. It makes me happy to see others happy. It gives me purpose.


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## kclark30 (Nov 6, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Sounds like you are looking for your purpose.
> 
> It's terrible you had to deal with a narc. You didn't mention any hobbies.
> 
> ...


Thanks! I have lots of hobbies...mostly creative such as drawing, painting, weaving, reading, gardening, things like that. The weather is warmer now so I've been gardening. The other creative hobbies have been really hard to get back into for some reason. I can't even focus enough to read a simple book.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

kclark30 said:


> Thanks! I have lots of hobbies...mostly creative such as drawing, painting, weaving, reading, gardening, things like that. The weather is warmer now so I've been gardening. The other creative hobbies have been really hard to get back into for some reason. I can't even focus enough to read a simple book.


Be kind to yourself. It has been 4 months. You have already done an incredible amount! You picked up the pieces, started to build a new life for yourself but don't expect it all to happen at once. However long you were married, that is way longer than 4 months I am assuming so changing your mindset will take time. Pat yourself on the back for the strides you have already made.

How is your friendship circle in your new town? Did you meet anyone you have just friendship (non-romantic) with? It sounds like you could maybe join a few groups in the area or get involved in volunteering? I found that really helped me after my divorce. Like me many of your hobbies are solo things. So maybe since you like walking you could join a walking group? meetup has a lot of groups and it was definitely hit or miss for a few but eventually I found a group for my hobbies and it really nice to have company. Take it slow and maybe join one group, go to one meeting, or volunteer once. If you like it in that group, go back, talk to people. Don't say yes to things you don't want to do. You have been doing that for ages while married, it sounds like. 

Nobody says you have to have it all figured out. Because most people are works in progress. Celebrate the amazing things you have done for you. And the things that need some work, it'll come in time


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

kclark30 said:


> . The most important thing that bothers me is that I have no goals to work towards. I wake up and take my life day by day which is def not me. I have always had goals so that kinda worries me. Has anyone else ever been in this place?


Living day by day in the moment and appreciating the moment is a worthy goal.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

When you evolve beyond that _friend with benefit _relationship, you will again find that happiness.

It will take time for the scars to lose that rough edge, and to smooth over.

Do not jump into a serious relationship, too soon.
You are now vulnerable, feeling lost, in a fog, rudderless.

Ah, but you are not.

You are that pin cushion, awaiting the painful jab that never quite arrives.
A jab that awakens you, taking you back to before, that prison sentence you just got pardoned from.

Time, before, was your enemy, it delivered misery at every moment.

Now? That same time will _rote condition_ you to your new reality.

Keeping busy is your best defense against remembering the past.

The sooner you can think forward, and not looking back, the faster you will be reborn....to some form of normal.
Ditch your old baggage.

You need to begin trusting men, and Mankind, again.
With men, this is a possibility, with Mankind, maybe not!


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