# I'm new to this and need help



## 1367 (Feb 24, 2012)

My husband of 7 years (married with 2 dogs, one cat, a house but no kids) just told me on Tuesday that he didn't love me anymore and didn't want our relationship. This came totally out of the blue, and since then he's started spending nights away from our house. 

This type of behavior has occurred once before (he didn't move out, but did say he has fallen out of love) when I wasn't paying enough attention to the marriage, and I worked on it with him and saved things. But this time seems different, as I know there's another woman and I've been paying attention to the relationship.

My husband has only known this other woman (a bit younger than my husband, and I'm sure cute) for less than 2 weeks, and it started with an internet conversation about a topic he's very passionate about. He did help her go through a difficult situation and then since then has been obsessed with "saving" her, as she's going through a difficult period in her life. I was trying to act as a good wife and giving him space to help a "friend" but obviously that was a bad idea, as she turned crazy, contacting him 100's of times a day. I tried to reason with my husband and have him cut off contact, which he did, but I now know that lasted for under a day. At the same time, my husband has been a bit frustrated at work and asked me to see if I can help him find a new job.

Anyways, on Tuesday, I confronted him as he was acting strangely, and that's when he told me he wanted out. I tried to have him come to counseling with me, but he believes that he's "in love" with this person, and that he's never been in love with me in the same way and doesn't want to try to make our marriage work. I asked for more details and he said that I've been a steady average person in his life, and having given him the "highs and lows" that he wants from a relationship. He even said he doesn't care enough about me to do nice things for me, that he's just "going through the motions". But he still says he cares about me, despite not loving me and that he "may be making the biggest mistake of his life", but if it is, it's "a mistake he's willing to make". He also said he doesn't believe that finding this other person is the reason for leaving, and that he looks at the two issues as different issues and he's sorry that he's hurting me but he "isn't sad it's happening".

Prior to meeting this woman things seemed fine, which I know know is obviously untrue. But it seems like an irrational decision made based upon something that won't last. I do know he has been taking medication for bi-polar moods, and I wonder if this more physical and he's addicted to the craziness of this woman and can't see straight.

But either way, my marriage is out the door - he's not staying here. He did come to the house today to help with some furniture and he hugged and kissed my head as he came in, and said he's sorry for what this is doing to me. But he's still going to not stay here.

With all this happening, it's a real wake up call as I now realize I don't have any friends or family that can really help. My family is thousands of miles away and every friend I have is a joint one, who would probably not want to take sides in this matter. And really I'm closest to his family, which makes this even harder as I not only get to deal with him causing these issues, but if this lasts I'm not going to have the "family" I've had for so may years. 

So, I'm in need of advice:
1) What's the right way to react to this information from a family perspective? Do I tell them this is going on? Right now I know one of his brothers should know as he's staying at his house for a few days
2) How do I take care of myself & assets? We have everything jointly and I'm sure he won't do anything rash, but I do not want to pay for anything to do with this other woman.
3) Am I doing the right thing by just letting him leave? It is tearing my heart out, but seems like my only choice.
4) Any suggestions for finding someone to talk to? I'm scheduling time with a counselor, but that doesn't seem like enough.
5) Do you think this marriage can be saved? Or should I just prepare for the end without trying to save it? I really do want to stay with my husband despite all this and believe with some counseling we could get back to being an awesome couple. But he's not willing, and I don't know when I should stop the fight.

Sorry for the length of this, I don't normally post online but needed somewhere to get this off my chest, and hope that I can get some good ideas from people who have been there.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi 1367 sorry you are here. my response to your questions are as follows 
1. I would say yes expose to all your family and friends let them know what is going on.
2.Setup a single acct with just yr name on it and put whatever you would need to maintain the household and yrself in it.
3. Although it might seem counter-intuitive if he needs to leave let him leave no since forcing someone to stay.
4.IC is excellent choice also do things that you like or develop new habits such as exercise, working out, walking, jogging whatever. Also talk to your close friends as they can provide some level of comfort.
5. Who knows the thing is i think is to decide what you want and what you want in a M set and establish boundaries the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over expecting different results. Maybe also seek legal council and serve him with papers although the D can be put off if the situation changes sometimes you have to go all the way and put the M on a cliff before the other party see's the light of day.

Take care of yourself and good luck 
others will be by shortly with their opinions


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## aspiegirl (Feb 21, 2012)

1367 said:


> So, I'm in need of advice:
> 1) What's the right way to react to this information from a family perspective? Do I tell them this is going on? Right now I know one of his brothers should know as he's staying at his house for a few days
> 2) How do I take care of myself & assets? We have everything jointly and I'm sure he won't do anything rash, but I do not want to pay for anything to do with this other woman.
> 3) Am I doing the right thing by just letting him leave? It is tearing my heart out, but seems like my only choice.
> ...


What a rough situation! While I don't think you can stop him from moving out, he also can't stop you from talking to friends and family about what is going on and you need all the support you can get right now. 

I would strongly encourage you to see a lawyer for advice regarding the financial issues, because those things vary depending on where you live. The marriage can only be saved if both of you want to work on it, and you need to get realistic advice from a lawyer for your current situation regardless of what happens between you in the future.


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