# IDK Where to Turn



## Sooner Girl (Jul 17, 2008)

Hi, first of all i will apologize in advance because i've never done this forum thing and it took me 10 minutes to figure out how to post this message. No, I am not that old I just use my computer for other stuff. 
I really need some advise. I have been married for 12 years, 2 children. My marrige is pretty much over. My husband is a very mean drunk, and i stopped communicating with him after about 2 years ago. i tried for years and i couldn't take the verbal abuse any more so i avoid him as much as possible. i have stopped being so angry with him and i am still here mostly for our youngest son. i love my husband and i wish he would stop drinking but he won't. he has thrown me out of the house in the middle of the night many times with my son and we spend the night somewhere else until he calms down. he only brings in a little bit of income and he is not motivated to find a better job. my salary takes care of us but it is tough. 
he and my son just left for an all expense paid 10 day vacation to red river new mexico. my father in law is paying for the whole trip. this was all planned with out me and i only found out about it 2 days ago. needless to say we have not been on a family vacation for years becuse while i can support us there is not extra money for very much. I won't bore you with more details of our relationship because i thing you get the picture. My husband barely speaks to me, won't answer my phone calls until he gets drunk then he wakes me up not matter what time it is or what day of the week and he yells at me for usually an hour or longer. he tells me what a terrible wife i am and what a terrible mother i am and why he hates me etc.......oh and why don't i want to be with him is usually his final tirade. i have stayed at first because thought i could help him stop drinking and becuase part of me does still love him but i can see now that he only sees me as a meal ticket. i am so pissed that his dad is taking him on a 10 day trip i can't even see straight. i am mad becuase i have been the sole support of this family for many years working my butt off 50 hours a week or more and his family knows that yet he gets a free vacation something i would kill for. i was not invited and i understand this is a "guy trip" however it doesn't ease the pain of being left here to work and clean up after him. 
I need advise about what to do. I want to leave or at least 90% of me wants to leave. Our children are 10 and 18 so they are old enough to see all the problems and they have seen him yell at me so many times i know damage has been done. i don't have any extra money that will allow me to get out of this situation. i need someplace for myself and my son to live. Our oldest daughter is going to college in the fall so she will be living at school most of the time. What can i do without money for a deposit and an attorney? he won't leave our house and i am fine with that. i don't want it anyway. any advise on how i can get out?


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## Sooner Girl (Jul 17, 2008)

*Look No One Will Even Talk to Me - I am a loser.*

Geeeeezzzzzzz, ok it is confirmed no one likes me - great forum. this is why i don't do these things. ok my life sux. feeling much better now. thanks guys!


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## Sooner Girl (Jul 17, 2008)

*I can do this all night.*

I will just post to myself. Where do i live - Oklahoma or as i like to call it Oklahomaphobia. They have a wickid aversion to anyone that is not white, hetro, and you must go to church at least 2x a week to be accepted here. I like to irritate these kind of closeminded people. 

Where do i work - a big insurance company, marketing group health insurance - so when you complain about your benefits at work think of me. 

What hobbies do i have - i like to be outside doing anything, fishing, boating, sitting, reading, can't think of any more outside stuff at the moment

Why are you here - my relationship life sux, but the rest of my life doesn't suck. Luckly i can compartmentalize my life into nice little sections that work for me. I love life, I am happy other than this current situation, but i know i will find a way out and no one is going to make me unhappy 24 hours a day ever. i might get depressed for a little while but i have a lot to be thankful for, my helath, my kids, my pets, my limbs are all attached, i can hear and see, i still look good, yep i said it, men still ask me out, no i don't go i will not cheat on anyone, ever. 
i have a great sense of humor and i love it, mabey i am not such a loser after all...........i will get my siutation fixed soon somehow...i will be stronger and better for it and i will never make the same mistakes i made this time. i have learned a lot from my situation and as long as i can say that i know i will be a stronger person for having gone through this. life is too short to be unhappy for very long. 

oh, i think we should kill the person that invented those smiley things i friggin hate them worse than i hate katie corick (however you spell her name)


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## bigerk (Jul 18, 2008)

soonergirl,

I just joined the site and noticed your unanswered post. I might not be much help but I thought I'd respond to let you know someone cares. How 'bout I give you my opinion and you can give me yours ok.

As for a way out, do you have family in the area? You might ask to stay with family for a spell until you resolve the issue. Have you and your husband been through counseling? If you still care for him and think there's a chance he'll change, try it. Maybe you leaving temporarily will light a fire under him and open his eyes. If you think he really doesn't care if you stay or leave then do whatever you can to leave. That's no way to live if he doesn't care for you anymore. You have to leave. If he's not bringing in any income he will not be staying there alone long. He can't pay the bills alone right? Yeah it will be hard but it's nothing you can't do because you've already been through hell and it only gets better from here. Does that make any sense? if it doesn't then I apologize. Just my opinion.

Now for me.

I'm considering divorce myself but for different reasons and I guess I'm in the same situation as you but with different circumstances. I'm a 37 yr old male and been married to the same person for 14 yrs. When we got married we were dirt poor and we both inherited her credit card bills so it was tough. we managed to get through that ok. But about 4 years later, it reared it's ugly head again. This time to the tune of $20,000. At that time she was handling the bills and i was oblivious. I'm a cheap husband i don't spend alot so it never crossed my mind that this was happening. So then I took over the bills and money handling and put her on an allowance. That lasted for a little over a year when she got fed up with it. Things were going smooth financially and we were on a budget but she got depressed because she felt useless because I was handling everything. So, slowly she got back into the chore of handling the bills and finances. I eventually let go of it and kept an eye on the bank statements for awhile. Things seemed normal. She got another job and a big raise and things were good. We were raising 2 kids in a little house we bought. Our house was nearly paid for we were fine financially so i thought. 

On May 12th, I came home from working nights and found a letter on the kitchen counter. basically the letter said that she couldn't keep hiding it form me any longer. We had a grand total of $58,000 in credit card debt. She had made the comment that she knew our marriage was over. I just stood in the kitchen, in shock, trying to fathom what I had just read. Our happy little life was being torn apart. I had put my trust in her and she let herself do it again. Upon reading that our marriage was over all i could think about was saving the marriage and sparing our kids. i called her and told her to come back. I then told her that it was going to be alright and we'll get throught this. So I spent the next few weeks working out a plan to fix this problem. luckily we had enough equity in our home that we were able to pay off all of the high interest debt. 

So, everythings back to normal and the finances are in order and most all the bills are paid. we've got plenty of money coming in and things should be good except for one problem. i can't trust my wife anymore. I can't even look at her without resenting the hell out of her. I'm not the kind of person to lay down the law because I don't want to hurt her feelings. but now I don't talk to her much anymore and she's getting the feeling that I don't love her anymore. Right now I feel like running away from all this and just being alone. That way I don't have to deal with anyone but me. Anytime I bring up the fact that she's overspending at times she gets defensive and we get into an arguement. I feel like if I let things go on this will definitely happen again. I just want to leave. What should I do?

Eric

P.S. Sorry so long winded.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

ok i just come across this thread. and yes i read your mails. 
my hubby of 13 yrs has always enjoyed his drink. yes he had mood and aggressive tendencies (not physical). but he has been diagnosed with depression. as a family we were all aware of his nature, but eventually he gave into himself and sought advice. 
he is on medication which has made him one person, no longer the jeckyll and hyde person.
he has had periods where he hasnt drunk ( 6 months when dad dies)
3 months after a one night stand . i accept n e thing in moderation, but when its in excess ( well its a lonely life). and who cops it, is u.
after the last quest he did (one night stand) april08.
his drinking stopped and the past 4 weeks , i have seen a pattern emerging . we have been having family bbq's. but my brothers' bring the beer and we have more in the fridge. then it has been back to long haul drinking. so i came onto this site yesterday and came across the thread ."what is an alcoholic".
well instantly i felt that i was right, my hubby is an alcoholic. strange to say it. but he drinks everday. ok not drunk ever night. but doesnot know when to stop.
well again last night , i got of the net and phoned my mum, she listened and i was suddenly strong again. 
yes i really do love my husband.
but you know what ,i simply cannot take this uptake of drink again.
i have never said that b 4. but i simply felt really good. that i had done all i could in this marriage. yes i love him, but i cant have him.
i just accepted it. 
i went to my room and told him i was leaving , i slept on the settee and in the morning just told him, no more. 
i gave him an ultimatum - me or the excess drink. 
he actually chose me. but i have no fight in me n e more to take another bout of that alcohol fuelled issue. i have been dealt those cards to many times b 4 . now i have taken the stand.
i do not mind drink in moderation - not a problem.
but even drink issues among those on the forum are different from eachother.
i wouldnt worry for your moment of attorney, simply getin out is your goal at the moment. you are keeping him. when you dont keep him, your money is better n e way.


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