# Promised he wouldn't turn me down... and he did



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

*Promised he wouldn't turn me down... and he did UPDATE: found out why*

Not posted for a while so here is what is happening with us...

Had issues with his continuous rejection of me a while ago. Not sexless but only when he wanted it. Rejections cut me deeply and eroded my self confidence sexually and my esteem. I told him I was not going to initiate any more (prior to this I was allways initiating and had no issues at all with doing so.) He said OK.

The issue has come up a number of times. He has really refused to address it in any depth apart from telling me that I should just initiate and he would not say no. He really cannot understand how I just do not trust him to not say no. He has not opted to explore my feelings and see what he can do to help rectify things as he is too busy denying that he ever rejected me in some weird kind of gaslighting thing.

Despite this, we have been getting on pretty well lately. He continues to initiate. I have tentatively experimented with some subtle "hinting" and body language, I guess a safe way of showing interest. It is lost on him. The funny thing is if we see some lady when we are out together doing something similar, he picks up on it right away. When I do it he is oblivious.

Well the other night we were sat together and I said I was going to go take a shower before it got too late. We had been having a good evening in each other's company so I said "I'm gonna go take a shower." "OK." "Wanna join me?" "Um... No. You aren't upset are you?"

I wasn't. It was weird. I *expected* me to be upset but I really wasn't. I guess I was sad. After all this time and everything he said about he wouldn't say no... I gather up the courage... and he says no.

Words can be so empty can't they?

UPDATE: have added more on next page as to why...


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Is this the first time you asked since he said he wouldn't say no?

When was the last time you had sex before he said no? Is that amount of time less/more than normal?

I suspect if you ask him about it he'll play dumb and say "I said no to a shower. You didn't say you wanted sex."


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Is this the first time you asked since he said he wouldn't say no?
> 
> When was the last time you had sex before he said no? Is that amount of time less/more than normal?
> 
> I suspect if you ask him about it he'll play dumb and say "I said no to a shower. You didn't say you wanted sex."


:iagree:

Since he does seem quite oblivious at times, could he have mistaken your invitation as simply an offer to soap up that section of his back that he can't reach?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Ah walking... that sux! Did he really understand that you wanted sex? 
Many men don't get hints...not even ones delivered with a large flashing banner.

So what now?

Are you back to no initiating or ?

Why won't he initiate?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Toffer said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Since he does seem quite oblivious at times, could he have mistaken your invitation as simply an offer to soap up that section of his back that he can't reach?


Ha! No. He knew what I meant, thus the asking if I was upset.

It is not the first time I have asked since, but is probably the first time I have been spontaneous and not waited for a cue from him. The small amount of other times have been when he has indicated first that he was in the mood so I guess I felt good for all systems go on those occasions.

I don't know if I will try again. It feels like a negative situation to keep myself in but then what is the alternative? Another negative situation. I just get so puzzled because how I am now is *so* different to the "me" he has known for years when it comes to sex, yet he claims it does not bother him for me to not initiate any more. I just cannot work out what is going on inside his head.

For a while I thought he liked the tease, the seduction, but like I said, it is lost on him when I try that approach. So many times he has said he didn't realize I was initiating, and said to be blunt about it, but when I am, he turns me down. I feel like I am missing a piece of the puzzle.

It is crazy because it isn't like we have no sex life. It is just allways when he wants to.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

He actually did initiate yesterday. It was what he calls an "early night". It is something we discussed a while ago when we talked about fixed nights.

I don't know if he means to but it comes across as a chore to cross off his list. Sure he appears to be enjoying it and I am sure he does. But there really is no effort. I had suggested massage ( him and/or me, whichever he preferred.) He kinda pretended I hadn't said it? I was stretched outa on the couch and playfully touching his leg with my feet and he pushed me away saying he was too hot, then decided to suggest an early night?

I just do not get him. SOmetimes it is like he wants to walk around in a vacuum untill he wants sex and then all of a sudden he wants to touch me.

I also tried sending him sexy texts. He appeared clueless untill I actually had to explain what I meant! I tried it again the next day and he responded in *exactly* the same way as the day before when he *didn't* get it? It is allmost like he is playing some weird game with me but I just don't get what...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> When I do it he is oblivious.


He's not a stupid man. He knows. 

I've been reading your posts for quite some time. He's NOT oblivious. He's trying to navigate what's the LEAST he has to do to keep you happy. No more no less.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> He's not a stupid man. He knows.
> 
> I've been reading your posts for quite some time. He's NOT oblivious. He's trying to navigate what's the LEAST he has to do to keep you happy. No more no less.


That quite hurts to read. Fact is it has crossed my mind. Then I rationalize with various reasons.

I have at times wished my drive would really drop so I did not have to worry about this dilemma. Truth is it has a small degree but I think that is due to me figuring out that I did not have to equate how much sex we had with how much he loves me. I feel a lot better from just that but I cannot tell you how envious I get when I read stories from the guys here who say they would never turn down their wife, cannot understand guys that do, how they would love it if their wife were to initiate, think their wife is gorgeous/hot/beautiful and can't keep their hands off her, etc... 

I have recently been working on being more healthy and fit. I have been doing a step a week and so far I have stuck with every change I have made, and feel these are valuable, permanent changes. I know I will be looking better for it... then I think I am the only one whose going to tell me that or appreciate it.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> I have recently been working on being more healthy and fit. I have been doing a step a week and so far I have stuck with every change I have made, and feel these are valuable, permanent changes. I know I will be looking better for it... then I think I am the only one whose going to tell me that or appreciate it.


The only one in your marriage... yes. But you won't be the only one to notice, trust me. There are 3.5 billion men in this world.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My husband was like yours and his problem was complicated. At the core of it was he was afraid of me. He felt like he couldn't do anything right because I was never ever satisfied with what he offered sexually or otherwise. And in hindsight he was right.

Like you I read all these stories on TAM and I got bit by the green eyed monster too.

My situation didn't get better until I learned how to appreciate what I had without trying to change him. And this was NOT easy btw.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Did you work that out through MC or was it more between you two?

I have turned over different reasons in my mind again and again. Being honest with myself and looking at what he says, his actions say and the discrepancy between. I have not yet come up with anything.

What you said Mavash about him doing as little as possible is something that has come up previously. I feel there may be a degree of it but I do not think it is the whole story. I feel there is something underlying all this but I just can not put my finger on what it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## steinjeremo (Nov 29, 2012)

Like you I read all these stories on TAM and I got bit by the green eyed monster too.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Bump ^^^^^^^^
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Have you considered outright saying something like... 

"I'm horny", "I want to feel you inside me..", ect....

When saying the above do so while rubbing against him or sitting in his lap and grinding against him... Or do that as a follow up... Ever done any of that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

What sort of frequency are you looking at?

Frequency will definitely affect my desire.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Gaia said:


> Have you considered outright saying something like...
> 
> "I'm horny", "I want to feel you inside me..", ect....
> 
> ...


Yes. Last time I straddled him and did that he said he wanted to eat his dinner first. Kinda ruined the moment lol.

Just been flirty texting him again. Same response, like he does not know what I am doing. Do not know why I am surprised. Direct doesn't work and subtle doesn't work. I'll be damned if I know what *does.*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

WyshIknew said:


> What sort of frequency are you looking at?
> 
> Frequency will definitely affect my desire.


Do you mean what frequency would I like? Every other day would be good. I could live with twice a week if I knew I could initiate freely. Right now we are at twice a week but tge frustration of having to wait untill *he* wants to kills me. It is an awful place to be. I feel so stifled and I can't figure out why he is doing this because it never used to be an issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> Did you work that out through MC or was it more between you two?
> 
> I have turned over different reasons in my mind again and again. Being honest with myself and looking at what he says, his actions say and the discrepancy between. I have not yet come up with anything.
> 
> ...


Oh gosh I've been at this for 21 years. We were largely sexless for the first 7 years. We did a round of MC at that point and that got us to once a week sex. I continued with IC and we'd have good weeks and bad ones settling probably a 2-3 times a week but I still wanted more. I wanted him to WANT ME. I wanted intimacy, closeness, and passion. I could see things were improving so I stuck around and kept trying.

Like you I felt there was just something missing that I couldn't quite put my finger on. I knew I'd emasculated him but I 'thought' I'd fixed that years ago (I hadn't). Then fate stepped in and we had to separate for 3 months (work related) and that forced us okay mostly me to connect without sex. 

It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do but in my vulnerability something in him clicked and all my hard work paid off. He was willing to admit he was scared of me, was willing to let me in, and was willing to let down his walls to let me see the real him.

My story is so long and we are still a work in progress but he does want and desire me now. I can honestly say he was worth the wait.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Gaia said:


> "I want to feel you inside me..",


That one always melts me like butter...



walkingwounded said:


> Yes. Last time I straddled him and did that he said he wanted to eat his dinner first.


There'd be something I'd be eating, but it wouldn't be dinner


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> That one always melts me like butter...
> 
> 
> 
> There'd be something I'd be eating, but it wouldn't be dinner


Ha! Well it sounds crazy... But he really said that. We had some tension building up on the ride home from picking up take out. I decided I would be spontaneous and we got in and sat down and I just pushed ghe food aside and sat on his lap. 

I had this wonderful idea of us being all passionate. But apparently he absolutely had to eat dinner first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Just throwing this out there...do you think maybe he's got an ED problem or something like that, that he's not discussing with you? Sounds like he needs to prep himself before sex, whether that's mentally, physically or what who knows but it makes me think that could be a reason why he's only OK when he's initiating. When you make it obvious you want him and try to take him by surprise, that's setting him up to have to perform...if he's got performance anxiety (for whatever reason), I could see how that could be intimidating to him and morph inti a turn off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

kag was thinking the same thing. My husband had some mild ED issues as well. All mental having to do with me not being safe but still.

I had to take sex off the table for quite a while to take the pressure off. Even now I never initiate he does however our frequency is up so I'm okay with that. I do communicate that I'm available but I'm not pushing and I don't care if we have sex or not. I'm kinda over it. Don't get me wrong I love sex but I no longer NEED it to feel love like I did before. I'm content to just be held, kissed, touched, etc. No pressure. 

It's like what people say sex makes up 10% of your marriage but when you aren't getting it then it's 90% of your marriage.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

kag123 said:


> Just throwing this out there...do you think maybe he's got an ED problem or something like that, that he's not discussing with you? Sounds like he needs to prep himself before sex, whether that's mentally, physically or what who knows but it makes me think that could be a reason why he's only OK when he's initiating. When you make it obvious you want him and try to take him by surprise, that's setting him up to have to perform...if he's got performance anxiety (for whatever reason), I could see how that could be intimidating to him and morph inti a turn off.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for the input kag. I had not thought of this, but I am as sure as I can be that there is no ED. I don't think that is the reason for his behavior. If anything he is the opposite, absolutely no problems even if he's putting me off.



Mavash. said:


> kag was thinking the same thing. My husband had some mild ED issues as well. All mental having to do with me not being safe but still.
> 
> I had to take sex off the table for quite a while to take the pressure off. Even now I never initiate he does however our frequency is up so I'm okay with that. I do communicate that I'm available but I'm not pushing and I don't care if we have sex or not. I'm kinda over it. Don't get me wrong I love sex but I no longer NEED it to feel love like I did before. I'm content to just be held, kissed, touched, etc. No pressure.
> 
> It's like what people say sex makes up 10% of your marriage but when you aren't getting it then it's 90% of your marriage.


Ah yeah how true is that...

He was talking earlier and told me he is stressed during the week. His work day is busy then lots to do around dinner. Kids full of energy especially the youngest and he feels very tired after they are all in bed and it takes him time to wind down. This is why he doesn't allways want to get down to it. He says he prefers the weekend when we have a sitter and it is more relaxed. Which I get and is perfectly valid but he cannot seem to explain *why* he turns me down. I ask the question but he seems to be answering a different question or thinks I am saying something else. Sometimes I actually wonder if I am saying the words out loud because he continually ignores the question in hand and says related stuff which is fine but isn't telling me what I need to know.

He keeps saying he knows I think he doesn't find me attractive but that is not the case so I know he gets that bit.I have tried every which way of initiating and none of them do it. I asked him earlier what does it for him and he started telling me a couple things that *do not*, which is good to know, but when pressed could not tell me what *did* do it for him.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Wow....yeah he is definately skirting around the issue. Try having another serious talk and be sure to say something like... "Honey that is not what I asked. Your beating around the bush, we both know this so please be honest." If he starts going off track again. Perhaps you can get him to see a doc. Mavash does have great advice since she has dealt with something similar. I really hope you get things figured out with your husband walking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> That one always melts me like butter...
> 
> 
> 
> There'd be something I'd be eating, but it wouldn't be dinner


Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Does it always have to be full on, multi position, extended sex session for you?
I don't want to be crude but would you be happy for him to bend you over the table or whatever and 'do' you. Quickies, knee tremblers. And then on the weekend get more into it.

He might feel that you are expecting full on half hour/hour long sex but is too tired for that and may appreciate a quickie more.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Just this week my husband and I had an 'issue' that came up (unrelated to sex). I kept asking specific questions and he evaded every one of them however I'm onto him so I knew he was trying to play the shell game. Here look over here then you won't notice I'm ignoring you're questions. He thinks if he does it enough I'll stop asking and move on. Why? He's hiding the truth.

I see right through him so I gently go back to the original question. It took me TWO DAYS to get a straight answer out of him (note I've laid the foundation to be able to do this - I'm SAFE and he's agreed to work on opening up to me) and yes he was in fact hiding something and nothing at all. Oh to him it was HUGE but to me it was not that big of a deal.

Don't underestimate the ability of men to hide parts of themselves from you that they think you won't like.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Wysh, no it doesn't have to be a big sex session. We do not usually manage that in the week. If that were when we had a sitter at the weekend that would be fine.

Mavash, I do think H takes a while to digest stuff. I am not even sure he truly kniws himself the 'why'. Of course I do not *know* that but just from knowing him it could be. Or may be he knows he feels that way ( ie does not like me initiating) but is not aware of the dynamics.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My husband doesn't know 'why' either I just know an excuse when I hear one. I also know when he's trying to avoid. I stay with it and with him wrapped in love while he figures it out.

He's more broken than I ever dreamed he was. I need to be even more compassionate and patient than ever. I learned this week that I do tend to be too hard on him 'sometimes'. I'll work on that.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Wife promised me a BJ and didn't....

Due to a kidney stone I developed a UTI that was resistant to antibiotics....Lasted about 3 months, so obviously no BJ's.....2 months on oral (no pun) antibiotics, they didn't help...Spent 28 days on IV antibiotics, finally got rid of it....

I said, when the Dr. gives me a clean bill of health, a BJ would be nice, to celebeate...She agreed with enthusiasm....Wednesday was the 1 month anniversary of that "clean bill of health" still no BJ....

I think sometimes people promise things of a sexual nature, not knowing their partners are taking them seriously, when they do not mean it...


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

UPDATE...

I think I got it. He is bored.

I cannot post much now but seems things are not interesting enough. I actually have pursued this avenue a number of times but he allways said he thought things were fine. I am relieved to know but the frustration of months of pain still hurts.

He started talking about getting that spark back and this worried me because I did not understand if he was meaning he just didn't feel it for me any more or as in spicing things ip. It is really difficult to have a productiveconversation with the kids about so that will have to wait untill later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

So... It seems he just wanted more excitement. That it was not me per se, but that the process itselfjust did not hold much interest for him. He I think would initiate because he was in the mood, but when *I* did it just did not hold much appeal for him.

Now on this... First I would agree we do do a variation along the same theme most times. I see his point.

Second in my defense I have actually brought up the issue of variety a number of times. Asked him if he would like to do something new, to suggest something or to try xyz. He was the one that said no, things were fine. Se you can see the confusion. I do not know if this was because he did not realize himself or he was worried of hurting my feelings.

On my part, I can look back over the last year or two and say I did drop the effort. I used to make a lot of effort in planning special nights and doing different stuff. It was fun. But we had issues a while ago and I felt quiteh frustrated with his response, and felt like our marriage was unbalanced in terms of effort so I withdrew that effort in our sex life. It never got back to that stage I guess because I harbor resentment over how he handled stuff then (ie he didn't.)

It is a shame he has not decided to pick up the slack himself, I do not know why he didn't decide to address it.

Also I now carry a huge amount of issues about myself from this and I know it is not going to be easy to free myself of them. I really doubt his desire for me and that he finds me attractive. I mean yeah he will have sex with me but he has alluded to finding it difficult at times to separate the mommy me from the wife me. I have allways made the effort to look good and take care of myself so I think this is his issue rather than mine.

So complicated! Any advice or thoughts?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Don't underestimate the ability of men to hide parts of themselves from you that they think you won't like.


QFT. Some women make it their business to change or at least castigate a man who has things in his life that she doesn't approve of. Things that we are perfectly okay with. Things we don't WANT to change.

But as long as it becomes a game of 'Kick the IED' whenever a man reveals ANYTHING about himself, expect these responses.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> So... It seems he just wanted more excitement. That it was not me per se, but that the process itselfjust did not hold much interest for him. He I think would initiate because he was in the mood, but when *I* did it just did not hold much appeal for him.
> 
> Now on this... First I would agree we do do a variation along the same theme most times. I see his point.
> 
> ...


Lots and lots.

First, some men need to be the initiators. Now, you may not like it, but that doesn't make it any less true. It could be he is one of them

Second, doing kinky porn sex is FUN...when you are with a porn star. Don't know your ages, but for some men of a certain age, doing that with a WIFE is...offputting.

Third, again at a certain age, men run down and aren't as interested. Frankly, I would like sex about every third day or so when I'm with my wife. If I'm overseas, it might be weeks between even masturbation sessions. Also check his testosterone levels.

Fourth. He MIGHT be bored. Or it could be resentment or guilt. You said you had issues earlier this year. A lot of sex is mental so if things AREN'T fixed with you, it will show up this way. And it doesn't matter if you've 'gotten over it'. HE might not have or he might believe you HAVEN'T gotten over it...and he's waiting for that other shoe to drop. Emotionally disconnected men have lower libidos. We had a problem recently and she's going HB and I'm doing LD trying to get over it. It's changing but it was there.

Fifth, some men are uncomfortable with a full on seduction outside of dating...if even then. So expecting him to 'take up the slack' is fruitless.

Six: confidence. If your husband seems mopey or down on himself, he won't respond well to sexual pressure, first for the confidence thing and second because YOU want what he sees as a seriously flawed creature. What is wrong with you that you want him? 

That is off the top of my head.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Just a tiny bit of a thread jack. Women, when you turn down your husband, do you worry about HIS issues? Did you worry about his emotional scarring? Did you worry about how it might foster insecurities in him?

So look to your sexual history for some answers. It might be he's initiated some kinky stuff and not only been shot down, but shot down HARD (Think 'Cold day in Hell if you do X to me again'). So what is his incentive to experiment if he's facing a potentially explosive situation?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

How does he respond to teasing?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Quick post (will post more later in response.)

I rarely if ever have turned him down. Definitely not an issue with that here.

Teasing? I thought he would really like that. But when I have tried it he is oblivious. Funnily it is something ge has mentioned on occasion that he would like. I was wearing a cute above the knee dress earlief and I was picking up after the littley. Thought it might give him a smile as I leaned over but he just said "I think you should change before you go out." So weird seeing as last night he wanted me to tease him...?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

I don't ask anymore. It's been, 42 days and I don't know how many more subtle hints I have. Laying naked beside him isn't enough of a hint I guess.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My husband was bored too.

But I REFUSE to take ownership of that because he never said a word. Not one. Ever.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Thought it might give him a smile as I leaned over but he just said "I think you should change before you go out."


!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok it's official, he's gay


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

JCD said:


> Lots and lots.
> 
> First, some men need to be the initiators. Now, you may not like it, but that doesn't make it any less true. It could be he is one of them
> 
> ...


OK.

First. I used to initiate very frequently and up untill what, a year ago give or take, it was never an issue. I do not *think* it is me initiating that is the key. I think it is/was a symptom.

Second. We are both in our 30s. Kinky porn sex? Hard to say if that is what he wants. Like I mentioned I have asked him if he wants to do xyz and he says no. He does not appear to have any particular desire for kinky, in fact, the things he has mentioned are quite vanilla. But are stuff we either have not done or not done for a while.

Third. His preferred frequency seems to vary. What I can pinpoint though is that during the week his desire does drop and he seems less interested. At the weekends he is more, a lot more interested. He attributes this to being tired and stressed from work and demands of kids.

Fourth. Hmm. I am not sure about this. It is something I have been trying to figure out with him, on his part, if there is anything there affecting his desire.

Five. He is full of "people don't *do* that kind of stuff after marriage." Like, dating, buying cute gifts, spending lots of time together. He says that is for dating and I am deluded to think normal married people do *that*. He also claims to be not the kind of person to show affection like that, but he used to, fact.

Six. I think may be. This has crossed my mind.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> My husband was bored too.
> 
> But I REFUSE to take ownership of that because he never said a word. Not one. Ever.


Oh yeah it is frustrating. It was one of the more obvious answers to the situation that I did address, a number of times, in different ways. He consistently told me he was fine with stuff, he was happy, that he did not want to try anything in particular, etc...




RandomDude said:


> !!!!!!!!!!!
> Ok it's official, he's gay


Haha well I am sure he isn't. But it is weird. The littley was playing at the table and I was wandrering round picking up toys. The night before he had actually told me he liked a little glimpse, a tease. So I go and do it and... What? Not the reaction I expected! What he says and what he does are so contradictory.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

walkingwounded said:


> Oh yeah it is frustrating. It was one of the more obvious answers to the situation that I did address, a number of times, in different ways. He consistently told me he was fine with stuff, he was happy, that he did not want to try anything in particular, etc...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


What was his situation with EA and where does that fit with changes in him? Is she at work? Wonder if during week she's top of mind and weekends she is more back burner. What are specifics re: her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> So... It seems he just wanted more excitement. That it was not me per se, but that the process itselfjust did not hold much interest for him. He I think would initiate because he was in the mood, but when *I* did it just did not hold much appeal for him.
> 
> Now on this... First I would agree we do do a variation along the same theme most times. I see his point.
> 
> ...


I'm not going to defend your husband here, because I don't know him to say he's me, but I'll give you my run down on the 'I'm bored' segment of my current relationship.

This played out just under a month ago for me. Now I know you said you were trying different things with your husband,m so what I'm saying here isn't a rundown of what you and your husband are going through, only my own personal mindset as being 'bored' so maybe you can see how a guy thinks if he's bored.

I had been getting bored for some time. I'd say for 3-5 months by this point. I DID very much still enjoy sex with my fiancee, but it's that I wanted to do different things. Hop on, hop off sex can be great in itself if there is passion and desire there, which there was, but sometimes you want more. It's like driving your Ferrari around, but only going back and forth to work in it. That's great and all, but sometimes you just want to go for a rip down the highway at twice the legal speed limit too 

So I would suggest the odd thing different from time to time (mostly basic stuff as well, like a BJ or her on top or doggy-style, maybe a few other basic things as well). She would always say things like "Not tonight, but we can do that another time." Problem was, another time never came. After a while I started to view sex as a toss up. Do I want to have sex or do I want to go watch TV? Honestly, that started going through my head.

Most of the time I would have sex, simply because I know it sucks to get turned down (as I have been repeatedly) and I didn't want to do that to her. Plus once we started I'd get into it. It was just the initial start up.

That was until a month ago. We hadn't had sex in about 3-4 days I think and I was in the mood one day at work, so I sent her an e-mail. I pasted into it a bunch of images saying "I want you", "I'm horny" Let's have sex" etc. Literally dozens of them I looked up, and it must have taken me 1-2 hours (it was a really slow day at work, lol). She got it and replied back with "Gee, are you horny." Which I knew meant she wasn't really to interested. I replied back with something along the lines of "Yes I am, perhaps we can solve that problem tonight  ). I never got a reply back and she ignored the subject all night, acting as if I had never sent an e-mail. And damn if I'm going to come asking about it when i know if she was in the mood she wouldn't have forgot at all.

So I was a bit ticked. Then the next night we are driving around doing stuff. I had just finished a rather busy day at work and the reason we were driving around is I was looking for a part time job to go on top of my full-time job since we needed money, so i wasn't really all that happy as it was, not mention I was a bit ticked about getting turned down the day before after I went out of my way with the e-mail. So we stopped, and grabbed a few movies and as we get back in the van to go home she asks if I'd like to "play first" before we watch the movies.

I thought about it for a second and said no.

Now if I get told no by her, that's usually the end of it. I don't pry much because I'll get the usual "I'm just not in the mood" line. But because I turned her down, I got the "why" question. I said "I'm just not in the mood" to which I got asked a few times "Why not?"

Now my fiancee has this really uncanny gift of knowing when I'm not being completely forthcoming about what I'm saying, so she knew there was more to it and she pried, and pried until I told her that I was getting bored with sex.

I was unaware that sexual boredom was code words for WWIII, but all hell broke loose in our home for a while after that. She didn't want me near her, she cried, she locked herself in the bedroom and then hid herself in the bathroom, and it took two hours before we could actually talk about it.

She started to question if I still found her attractive, if we should just cancel the wedding and break up, everything. She reacted the way I'd have expected her to react if I said I was having an affair, not just bored.

Now I don't know how you react to your husband when he gives you bad news sexually, but my experience explaining sexual issues to women in my life (had similar issues with my ex-wife as well) has not bode well. I find women take sexual rejection far harder then men, especially if it's an issue of boredom. I believe there is this preconceived notion that men are just happy to get what they can and when they can and are always ready, and if theya ren't then something must be broken, whether its him or the relationship.

If your husband had any fears that you'd react negatively to him saying he was bored, that would be justification in my book for not saying much. I do think he should have told you, but if he feared facing the firing squad of questions and a barrage of emotional shrapnal, it make sense to me.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Gaia said:


> Have you considered outright saying something like...
> 
> "I'm horny", "I want to feel you inside me..", ect....
> 
> ...


 I have tried the I'm horny with my husband and he just gave the a dumbfounded look, Like i am not supposed to say stuff like that. Sigh


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

kag123 said:


> Just throwing this out there...do you think maybe he's got an ED problem or something like that, that he's not discussing with you? Sounds like he needs to prep himself before sex, whether that's mentally, physically or what who knows but it makes me think that could be a reason why he's only OK when he's initiating. When you make it obvious you want him and try to take him by surprise, that's setting him up to have to perform...if he's got performance anxiety (for whatever reason), I could see how that could be intimidating to him and morph inti a turn off.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 I was also thinking about an ED issue. My husband has ED and he avoids sex like the plague! 

Men usually won't admit they have an issue with their unit. They feel like less of of a man.. They are embarrassed. 

To get it out of him what the real problem was was like pulling teeth. I thought it was me and it wasn't.. So maybe this is what is going on with your husband.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> I'm not going to defend your husband here, because I don't know him to say he's me, but I'll give you my run down on the 'I'm bored' segment of my current relationship.
> 
> This played out just under a month ago for me. Now I know you said you were trying different things with your husband,m so what I'm saying here isn't a rundown of what you and your husband are going through, only my own personal mindset as being 'bored' so maybe you can see how a guy thinks if he's bored.
> 
> ...


kingsfan, I just wrote a reply to you but lost it. Will try to sum up.

Hearing sexual boredom sounds something like "I don't want to have sex with you, so I don't find you attractive. However we all know men are sexual creatures so I still find other women attractive, just not you." I can really relate to how our fiance reacted, only those feelings too over me over a course of months rather than in that instant when he told me.

I can see we both contributed. I take responsibility for resentment stopping me putting myself out there like I used to. In my head I felt vulnerable from past issues and did not feel comfortable, allmost like why does he deserve my all when he cannot give it elsewhere? I cannot answer for him.

H is confusing. He says something then later something contradictory. I do remember him bringing this up a while ago. He said a lot of things like sex was not that important to him, and that he did not get an emotional connection, it was "just sex." He went back on all of this and said that was not what he meant at all, however they were his words at the time.

Then again the other day after we talked he got all into thinking of an idea he wanted to do, which was basically some clothes he wanted me to wear that were teasing and showing a glimpse. He really liked it and got into the idea. Great I thought!

As I mentioned earlier up the thread, the next day I was picking up after the littley. Had a cute above the knee dress on. Thought he'd like a peep so was leaning over. He had the complete opposite reaction and told me I needed to change before I went out? WTF? So now I am supposed to be some kind of mind reader and know when he wants that and when he does not because it changes?

So am clearer but not clearer *shrugs*


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> kingsfan, I just wrote a reply to you but lost it. Will try to sum up.
> 
> Hearing sexual boredom sounds something like *"I don't want to have sex with you, so I don't find you attractive. However we all know men are sexual creatures so I still find other women attractive, just not you." *I can really relate to how our fiance reacted, only those feelings too over me over a course of months rather than in that instant when he told me.
> 
> ...


On the bolded, perhaps you are right. That said, men feel the same way too when we get rejected. I know it's different in your relationship, but on a whole, men get rejected a lot more than women. When I get turned down, it hurts a fair bit too, and I get turned down weekly.

Many men here note that the women they are with had a great sex drive in the beginning of the relationship, usually the first six months to two years. Then it dies down. That happened with both my ex-wife and my current fiancee. I, like many other men, take that to mean "You once found me attractive, but now you don't."

Is that true? I don't know. My fiancee says she does find me attractive, but then will turn me down to play a game of cards on the computer. When our relationship first started, she could have been in the middle of the flu and if I asked, she'd have said yes in a heartbest (and no, I never did that just giving an example).

I don't know what women expect from men when the sex goes from daily and exciting for the first few years to only one position, one or two times a week with plenty of rejections. Why are we, just because we're men, supposed to maintain a strong desire for a women whose sex drive has gone from 60 mph to 10?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Well my H says he is not bothered about the very few times I have said not right now. He says he does notctake it personally and I should be the same. I do not know if other guys are mostly like that or like you.

Hard to say about the sex frequency dropping and whatvit means because I have not felt lile that about H. I suspect H would say the newness has worn off, couples don't maintain that frequency after marriage. He says stuff like that a lot.

I asked H about the Sunday dress incident and he went crazy. Flipped out at me. Says this situation is crazy. That I am unbelieveable. Said lots more but things are very frosty right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> I suspect H would say the newness has worn off, couples don't maintain that frequency after marriage. He says stuff like that a lot.


This scares me for you. Newness wearing off is generally code for he's just not that into you which brings me back to first thing I said to you. He's trying to find out what's the least he has to do to keep you happy. He may not want you all that much but it's not a dealbreaker.

I'm HOPING that this is all a lie to cover up his own ED issues. You know blameshifting. If he makes it something else then he doesn't have to own the problem.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> This scares me for you. Newness wearing off is generally code for he's just not that into you which brings me back to first thing I said to you. He's trying to find out what's the least he has to do to keep you happy. He may not want you all that much but it's not a dealbreaker.
> 
> I'm HOPING that this is all a lie to cover up his own ED issues. You know blameshifting. If he makes it something else then he doesn't have to own the problem.


Well he says he has a lot to remember of things he needs to do every day/week to keep me happy. The funny thing is he does do some of these things but not all. Yet he makes out like it is a huge burden.

IMO he asked or I offered these things as ideas. The way he talks you would think it was crazy to actually show he likes me or make an effort.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> Well my H says he is not bothered about the very few times I have said not right now. He says he does notctake it personally and I should be the same. I do not know if other guys are mostly like that or like you.


That's different than from what I was saying. For men like me, I'm referring to regular, enthusiastic sex at the beginning, only to drop off to semi-regular sex and a 50% (or higher) rejection rate. "A few times" seems to imply you rarely turn him down. I get rejected weekly.



walkingwounded said:


> I suspect H would say the newness has worn off, couples don't maintain that frequency after marriage. He says stuff like that a lot.


That's just an excuse. Lots of men will stop opening doors for their wife, pulling out chairs, holding hands, etc. (and women will stop doing things for their man as well, goes both ways of course). These things don't require a lot of time or effort really, they just get neglected as the person gets comfortable in the relationship. By nature, people only work as hard as they feel they have to in order to achieve something. He doesn't need to have sex often, and he clearly doesn't want to, so he's not going to have sex often.



walkingwounded said:


> I asked H about the Sunday dress incident and he went crazy. Flipped out at me. Says this situation is crazy. That I am unbelieveable. Said lots more but things are very frosty right now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would refrain from asking about incidents like these because you didn't actually specify what it was you wanted with the dress. You sent signals which he didn't catch, but you never said "do me" or something. LD people like your husband will just excuse themselves of all blame in incidents like that, claiming they didn't know. Unless you say " do me" they'll say "we'll I just thought you had on a short dress, I didn't know you wanted to have sex."

It's a fight you won't win. Either be 100% direct or don't bother arguing it.



walkingwounded said:


> Well he says he has a lot to remember of things he needs to do every day/week to keep me happy. The funny thing is he does do some of these things but not all. Yet he makes out like it is a huge burden.
> 
> IMO he asked or I offered these things as ideas. The way he talks you would think it was crazy to actually show he likes me or make an effort.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This should be a more telling sign than any sexual issue. If it's a burden to do nice things for your spouse, then what does that say about the marriage?

For my fiaancee, I do a lot of things, from buying her flowers, to opening doors, to telling her I love her to hauling crap up from the basement to shovelling out her car from three feet of snow. I do lots. Some of it I don't really want to do but I don't look at it like a burden, I look at it like things I can do for er to make her happy. 

To me a marriage will be 100% successful (barring something from the outside killing it like bankruptcy, death, etc.) if each person views the other persons wants as something they need to give them. That's how I view things for my fiancee.

Your husband seems to only want to give you what you absolutely need, and only is doing it to shut you up. Doesn't sound like love to me.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> That's different than from what I was saying. For men like me, I'm referring to regular, enthusiastic sex at the beginning, only to drop off to semi-regular sex and a 50% (or higher) rejection rate. "A few times" seems to imply you rarely turn him down. I get rejected weekly.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That last part... You have articulately explained how I feel and what I have tried to explain to H I think he feels, or at least how he comes across.

The funny thing? Since we argued and I backed off? He just can't do enough for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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