# Hi. Jack. Married 42 years.



## Monstromo

Cheated on by her 4 years into our marriage. She cheated on me with her boss for about a year. I’m fairly sure after that she has never really been attracted to me. She stayed to avoid the shame, her family’s rejection of her. And I was safe, nice, a provider. Not sure beyond tgat. It’s really started to bug me a lot lately.


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## Rob_1

Welcome to TAM.
Now, the big question? When did you found out about?

1.During her affair 
2.Recently after the affair 
3.Or Just recently 

If you found out during the first two, then it means that you swept it under the rug and pretended to forgive her, which is why you're bothered by it now after almost 4 decades.

More details would enlightening us to give you better input.


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## BeyondRepair007

Monstromo said:


> Cheated on by her 4 years into our marriage. She cheated on me with her boss for about a year. I’m fairly sure after that she has never really been attracted to me. She stayed to avoid the shame, her family’s rejection of her. And I was safe, nice, a provider. Not sure beyond tgat. It’s really started to bug me a lot lately.


Welcome to TAM @Monstromo
Unfortunate circumstances though, no doubt.

One question jumps out at me.
You said she stayed for <bs reasons>

But why the hell did you ‘stay’? Why didn’t you kick her to the curb?


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## farsidejunky

When you find yourself avoiding mirrors, it is time to be addressed, even if just with oneself. 

How is your marriage otherwise? Sex life? Her level of respect for you? Does she seem you out for things?

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## Monstromo

Rob_1 said:


> Welcome to TAM.
> Now, the big question? When did you found out about?
> 
> 1.During her affair
> 2.Recently after the affair
> 3.Or Just recently
> 
> If you found out during the first two, then it means that you swept it under the rug and pretended to forgive her, which is why you're bothered by it now after almost 4 decades.
> 
> More details would enlightening us to give you better input.


him. We were married. I think we had awesome life together. Then she became bored and re-enlisted, I was in graduate school.I was going to follow out yo her duty station after I finished that semester. About 3 months. She slept with her boss (Lt.Cdr MSC aboard her ship) within like 2 weeks of arriving at the ship. She was enlisted (senior), he was a senior officer, married. I had zero clue. She came home one Saturday, supposedly was working out with her little ***** friend, I tried to follow them cuz I was suspicious. i didn’t find them. She came home, instant into the shower. Came out with a towel over her breast hiding something. I pulled it off to see her breasts covered with hickies. So I braced her, she got mad. I got mad. I was done with her ****. broken our marriage picture. Told her I was done. Boom. All of a sudden she’s sorry. So it was, youll leave the navy ( you can do that as a woman if you’re pregnant ( his kid, not mine) we are moving from South Carolina back to Idaho NOW. she did. We never talked about it again. But she never really desired me again. Always an excuse. It hurts. I’m just not turned on anymore. I don’t like sex etc. my opinion? she was in love with him. And has never since been attracted to me. I through myself into work, homes, her kid and my kid with her. I was quite successful. I was also disabled out of the Navy. Eventually that caught up to me. Put me in serious surgery in 2019. Fused S1-T4, C4-5-6. I had also busted left femur, both wrists, pelvis and left elbow. Dislocated both knees. Prosthetic right jaw. I’m a mess. So I’m in utah, only place that repairs a spine that messed up. She never really wanted to hear from me, talk to me, support me. Her excuse “oh you can’t telephone the rooms at the VA.“ She had the cell phone, I didn't have one . I know, I’m low tech and old. So her rejection from back in the days she was cheating on me came roaring back. I suddenly wanted to know why she did it. Was I ugly? Was I bad in bed? What? So now we are not too happy. She’s like “you’re the love of my life”. I’m like “sure that’s why you ****ed your boss for a year, and, have never really desired me”


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## Monstromo

Rob_1 said:


> Welcome to TAM.
> Now, the big question? When did you found out about?
> 
> 1.During her affair
> 2.Recently after the affair
> 3.Or Just recently
> 
> If you found out during the first two, then it means that you swept it under the rug and pretended to forgive her, which is why you're bothered by it now after almost 4 decades.
> 
> More details would enlightening us to give you better input.


Found out about it maybe 6 months into it. Didn’t know it had been for 6 months or so. She led me to believe it was a one time or so thing. Then when we were trying to reconcile, i found she’d been cheating that whole time. Like almost every day. 
It started when she re-enlisted in the Navy. We met in the Navy, she had been cheated on by her husband and divorced


BeyondRepair007 said:


> Welcome to TAM @Monstromo
> Unfortunate circumstances though, no doubt.
> 
> One question jumps out at me.
> You said she stayed for <bs reasons>
> 
> But why the hell did you ‘stay’? Why didn’t you kick her to the curb?


probably cuz I was immature, low confidence and afraid to be alone.
.


farsidejunky said:


> When you find yourself avoiding mirrors, it is time to be addressed, even if just with oneself.
> 
> How is your marriage otherwise? Sex life? Her level of respect for you? Does she seem you out for things?
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


see my reply up above. She has pretty much not been attracted to me since. I was very into work. I was a large sawmill manager. I was somewhat famous for “oh your 200 million dollar mill doesn’t perform? I’ll fix it.” And I did.. time after time. I just lost myself In work. She raised the two kids, hers from the affair (yep) mine from 2 years later. We never talked about it again until I felt rejected again while hospitalized in 2019 serious hospitalized. And I felt she was just totally ready to see me go. Didn’t care. Min fact I felt she liked it.


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## Marc878

Monstromo said:


> Cheated on by her 4 years into our marriage. She cheated on me with her boss for about a year. I’m fairly sure after that she has never really been attracted to me. She stayed to avoid the shame, her family’s rejection of her. And I was safe, nice, a provider. Not sure beyond tgat. It’s really started to bug me a lot lately.


Yep, your were a safe plan B. Not uncommon.


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## Beach123

I’m not sure why you don’t divorce her?


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## Prodigal

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. From what you've said thus far, it sounds like it would be better to be alone than with someone who doesn't care for - or about - you.


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## Monstromo

Marc878 said:


> Yep, your were a safe plan B. Not uncommon.


That’s what I think, plus the fear of the shame with her family.


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## Marc878

Monstromo said:


> him. We were married. I think we had awesome life together. Then she became bored and re-enlisted, I was in graduate school.I was going to follow out yo her duty station after I finished that semester. About 3 months. She slept with her boss (Lt.Cdr MSC aboard her ship) within like 2 weeks of arriving at the ship. She was enlisted (senior), he was a senior officer, married. I had zero clue. She came home one Saturday, supposedly was working out with her little *** friend, I tried to follow them cuz I was suspicious. i didn’t find them. She came home, instant into the shower. Came out with a towel over her breast hiding something. I pulled it off to see her breasts covered with hickies. So I braced her, she got mad. I got mad. I was done with her ****. broken our marriage picture. Told her I was done. Boom. All of a sudden she’s sorry. So it was, youll leave the navy ( you can do that as a woman if you’re pregnant ( his kid, not mine) we are moving from South Carolina back to Idaho NOW. she did. We never talked about it again. But she never really desired me again. Always an excuse. It hurts. I’m just not turned on anymore. I don’t like sex etc. my opinion? she was in love with him. And has never since been attracted to me. I through myself into work, homes, her kid and my kid with her. I was quite successful. I was also disabled out of the Navy. Eventually that caught up to me. Put me in serious surgery in 2019. Fused S1-T4, C4-5-6. I had also busted left femur, both wrists, pelvis and left elbow. Dislocated both knees. Prosthetic right jaw. I’m a mess. So I’m in utah, only place that repairs a spine that messed up. She never really wanted to hear from me, talk to me, support me. Her excuse “oh you can’t telephone the rooms at the VA.“ She had the cell phone, I didn't have one . I know, I’m low tech and old. So her rejection from back in the days she was cheating on me came roaring back. I suddenly wanted to know why she did it. Was I ugly? Was I bad in bed? What? So now we are not too happy. She’s like “you’re the love of my life”. I’m like “sure that’s why you ****ed your boss for a year, and, have never really desired me”


Sorry man but you were just a convenient paycheck. Her AP didn’t want her. She was just a cheap thrill. If he wanted her she’d have been gone. Most married AP’s aren’t looking to get stuck with alimony and childcare and another family to feed.


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## Marc878

Monstromo said:


> That’s what I think, plus the fear of the shame with her family.


Nope, her new boyfriend didn’t want her. I doubt she cared what her family thought. He’s an officer. A great catch for her.


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## Marc878

Most use the word reconciliation when they just stay together. Like you most experience heartburn longterm.
Most don’t think longterm. They just want them back without thinking about what they got back.


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## jlg07

You should have outed her AND the officer to the Navy -- I am pretty sure BOTH of their careers would have been finished.

You should have also informed his wife.....


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## Monstromo

Prodigal said:


> I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. From what you've said thus far, it sounds like it would be better to be alone than with someone who doesn't care for - or about - you.


I would prefer to be alone. But,she stuck around 42 years and I can’t just cast her out now. I should have done that 38 years ago. Plus we have her son from the affair. I cut that kids cord. I watched him take his first breathe. I taught him math. We talked about girls (not that I knew anything lol) . I helped him with a summer on the Juneau Icefield ( I was on the board of trustees for Foundation for Glacier and Environmental Research) he joined the Navy (like his mom and me) he flies helicopters. He is my absolute hero. And he thinks I’m his dad. Cuz I full filled that role all his life. I’m not raining on his parade. Or Jan and i’s son. Neither of them should have to deal with her love for someone else or my inability to leave her. I was pretty immature. Smart. Accomplished. Going places. But absolutely immature. So I screwed up. But at the same time, would her son have turned out so awesome if I had not been his dad? If he knew his dad was a married man, screwing his married mom, and never cared to even know his birth date?


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## Monstromo

Beach123 said:


> I’m not sure why you don’t divorce her?


Neither am I . I’ve always loved her. I was worried about her son by him. I knew he didn’t care.


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## Openminded

Have you posted this before under another username? It’s very familiar.


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## Monstromo

Marc878 said:


> Most use the work reconciliation when they just stay together. Like you most experience heartburn longterm.
> Most don’t think longterm. They just want them back without thinking about what they got back.


Exactly. I was so shocked I did very little thinking. There was also a “I’m going to win her back” thing going on. I’m more bummed that she apparently stayed, but was no longer attracted to me.


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## Monstromo

Openminded said:


> Have you posted this before under another username? It’s very familiar.


Not here


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## Marc878

Monstromo said:


> Exactly. I was so shocked I did very little thinking. There was also a “I’m going to win her back” thing going on. I’m more bummed that she apparently stayed, but was no longer attracted to me.


Bud the worst thing for a betrayed spouse is to win a ‘pick me dance’.
Now you know why. Does the kid know who his real father is?


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## Monstromo

Marc878 said:


> Bud the worst thing for a betrayed spouse is to win a ‘pick me dance’.
> Now you know why. Does the kid know who his real father is?


No.


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## Monstromo

Monstromo said:


> No.


And his sperm donor was afraid his career as a naval officer would be over, his wife would leave him etc. he has never so much as contacted her since the day we left South Carolina. He had zero desire. It would have ended his career in those days. Dishonorably. He’s a complete loser.


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## Marc878

Monstromo said:


> No.


You are his father no matter what. Just not biologically.


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## Marc878

Monstromo said:


> And his sperm donor was afraid his career as a naval officer would be over, his wife would leave him etc. he has never so much as contacted her since the day we left South Carolina. He had zero desire. It would have ended his career in those days. Dishonorably. He’s a complete loser.


That’s tells you why she came back.


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## Monstromo

Marc878 said:


> You are his father no matter what. Just not biologically.


Roger that. He is my hero. All the things I’m not. Kind, courageous, brilliant.


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## Marc878

Monstromo said:


> Roger that. He is my hero. All the things I’m not. Kind, courageous, brilliant.


You’re not too bad. Better than the POS your wife had an affair with.
She doesn’t deserve you.
Your wife is the real culprit here. A selfish deceitful liar. Sorry you stuck yourself with that.


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## Openminded

Monstromo said:


> Not here


Something very, very similar has been posted here before (IIRC, there was no resolution — just some venting). My suggestion is talk to someone who’s qualified to help and try to let it go. You’re not going to divorce her so the other option is continue to live with it.


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## Marc878

Openminded said:


> Something very, very similar has been posted here before (IIRC, there was no resolution — just some venting). My suggestion is talk to someone who’s qualified to help and try to let it go. You’re not going to divorce her so the other option is continue to live with it.


Most counselors are going to advise you to continue living the lie. About all you get out of that is contributing to the counselors bank account or their kids college fund.


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## Lostinthought61

Jack it seems to me that you could have had a lot of time to think about this, and when you could do something about it you choose to do nothing, you took and higher ground and moved on...you id what many men would not do, now you find this bitter taste after all these years later and none of us can blame you at all, look you bailed her out of what could ahve been a bad life for her, so let me ask you, perhaps you shoudl now tell her it's payback and that for the next year or years you will do everything that you want to do and she will say nothing and will go along with everything and anything you want....no questions asked...or you will expose her for the cheater she is.


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## Monstromo

Marc878 said:


> You’re not to bad. Better than the POS your wife had an affair with.
> She doesn’t deserve you.
> Your wife is the real culprit here. A selfish deceitful liar. Sorry you stuck yourself with that.


Like I said. I was immature. Part of it was “**** him, I’ll show him who’s best!” Dumb. Mi know. I didn’t know who it was till,I got angry with feeling rejected in 2019-2020. I was in the hospital for my spinal issues, she thought I was depressed and needed to talk to someone, the way she said it was demeaning and ****ty. So I told her why I was sad. ,I wasn’t depressed. I was sad that I’d missed out in my life on love. I’m 65. I was in hospice at that time cuz they didn’t think I was going to make it out. I reached deep, pulled. I made it out and actually am better than in the last ten years. It was very difficult. So I finally told her how she made me feel. That I didn’t think she loved me etc etc. that’s when I found out when she screwed him the first time,in our home. Who he was. And all the ****ty details. I had to get seriously hard with her over about 2 years to get that out of her. Score? I think she is deathly afraid I’m going to just boot her ass at 71. That the kids are going yo hate her etc. I’m pretty sure her loser lover was actually who she was in love with, not me. That’s why she never wanted sec with me after that. So…I’m bummed that I wasn’t wise enough to know finding a real love is why we are on this earth. That I was just as scared as her that I wouldn’t find anyone else, I’m not attractive. Women have never sought me out. Im skinny, glasses, nerdy and probably too quiet. I’ve never needed other people. I've pretty much been ok to be alone. I like myself. Always have.


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## Monstromo

Openminded said:


> Something very, very similar has been posted here before (IIRC, there was no resolution — just some venting). My suggestion is talk to someone who’s qualified to help and try to let it go. You’re not going to divorce her so the other option is continue to live with it.


That’s my con Las well.


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## Monstromo

Lostinthought61 said:


> Jack it seems to me that you could have had a lot of time to think about this, and when you could do something about it you choose to do nothing, you took and higher ground and moved on...you id what many men would not do, now you find this bitter taste after all these years later and none of us can blame you at all, look you bailed her out of what could ahve been a bad life for her, so let me ask you, perhaps you shoudl now tell her it's payback and that for the next year or years you will do everything that you want to do and she will say nothing and will go along with everything and anything you want....no questions asked...or you will expose her for the cheater she is.


That’s actually exactly where we are. I told her she’s a room mate. I’m not cruel or mean to her and never would be. But we are room mates.


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## Openminded

Marc878 said:


> Most counselors are going to advise you to continue living the lie. About all you get out of that is contributing to the counselors bank account or their kids college fund.


Yes, they likely would advise that but I doubt very seriously that he’s going to leave. Few people later in life are willing to finally get out even when they know they should. It’s very difficult and not many can, or will, overcome the fear of leaving the known for the unknown. I’m very glad I did but it‘s hard for most to rebuild in your 60’s.


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## Marc878

Monstromo said:


> Like I said. I was immature. Part of it was “**** him, I’ll show him who’s best!” Dumb. Mi know. I didn’t know who it was till,I got angry with feeling rejected in 2019-2020. I was in the hospital for my spinal issues, she thought I was depressed and needed to talk to someone, the way she said it was demeaning and ****ty. So I told her why I was sad. ,I wasn’t depressed. I was sad that I’d missed out in my life on love. I’m 65. I was in hospice at that time cuz they didn’t think I was going to make it out. I reached deep, pulled. I made it out and actually am better than in the last ten years. It was very difficult. So I finally told her how she made me feel. That I didn’t think she loved me etc etc. that’s when I found out when she screwed him the first time,in our home. Who he was. And all the ****ty details. I had to get seriously hard with her over about 2 years to get that out of her. Score? I think she is deathly afraid I’m going to just boot her ass at 71. That the kids are going yo hate her etc. I’m pretty sure her loser lover was actually who she was in love with, not me. That’s why she never wanted sec with me after that. So…I’m bummed that I wasn’t wise enough to know finding a real love is why we are on this earth. That I was just as scared as her that I wouldn’t find anyone else, I’m not attractive. Women have never sought me out. Im skinny, glasses, nerdy and probably too quiet. I’ve never needed other people. I've pretty much been ok to be alone. I like myself. Always have.


Me too. I like who I am. That’s a great trait to have. Nothing wrong with that at all.


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## Lostinthought61

Monstromo said:


> That’s actually exactly where we are. I told her she’s a room mate. I’m not cruel or mean to her and never would be. But we are room mates.


 so what does that mean, what kind of arrangement have you imposed with her and does she understand the ramification ?


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## Marc878

Openminded said:


> Yes, they likely would advise that but I doubt very seriously that he’s going to leave. Few people later in life are willing to finally get out even when they know they should. It’s very difficult and not many can, or will, overcome the fear of leaving the known for the unknown. I’m very glad I did but it‘s hard for most to rebuild in your 60’s.


Not saying he has to. 
He can live his life as he pleases. She can be the maid/housekeeper, etc. 
Come an go as he pleases. Do what he wants when he wants. No asking or telling. Just doing.
Why spend money on a worthless counselor. Use it on something beneficial.


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## Monstromo

Openminded said:


> Yes, they likely would advise that but I doubt very seriously that he’s going to leave. Few people later in life are willing to finally get out even when they know they should. It’s very difficult and not many can, or will, overcome the fear of leaving the known for the unknown. I’m very glad I did but it‘s hard for most to rebuild in your 60’s.


Haha. It’s not fear. I’m not the kind of guy that has ever been a fearful. Careful…yes. How do you think I got so physically messed up? I was a patient at NRMC Long Beach for a reason. I have very little fear. I’m a hell of a leader of men. I’ve got the medals to prove it. It wasn’t and isn’t fear that keeps me here. I look at it as kindness for her 42 years. She is the mother of the boys. They love her. They have no clue their mom was a cheater. I’m not raining on their parade. I’m not selfish enough to do that to her or them. And it’s certainly not about fear. I’ve been paralyzed. I’ve been wracked with unbelievable pain. I learned to deal with it. Crush it. Defy it. Deny it. I don’t take opiate pain meds. I’m allergic to them (thank god). I use pain to burn my fire harder, tougher. I use it to fuel my efforts to walk. To step one more step. To walk one more mile. I conquer pain like an enemy. So…don’t ever accuse me of fear.

rant over. Not sorry.


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## sokillme

Monstromo said:


> Cheated on by her 4 years into our marriage. She cheated on me with her boss for about a year. I’m fairly sure after that she has never really been attracted to me. She stayed to avoid the shame, her family’s rejection of her. And I was safe, nice, a provider. Not sure beyond tgat. It’s really started to bug me a lot lately.


So you were marred for 38 years feeling like she never was attracted to you? WHY? Of course you are going to be unhappy if that was the case. Entirely on you though. It was your choice and continues to be. Have you talked to her about it? I am sure she would just tell you it's not true.

As far as your kids, why do you even have to bring up paternity? Why can't you just say she cheated and you never got over it. Let her tell the story. Your kids are adults they will survive you guys not being married. Pretty common. It's your life you only get one. Besides I bet if you dig hard enough you will find there has been more over the years. 

People like your wife to change cold turkey. Nah, they just get better at hiding it.


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## Monstromo

Lostinthought61 said:


> so what does that mean, what kind of arrangement have you imposed with her and does she understand the ramification ?


I live in one room. She lives in another. She’s not real happy about it. Me neither. Probably why I’m posting here looking for a way to vent and maybe a bit of understanding and help.


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## Monstromo

Marc878 said:


> Not saying he has to.
> He can live his life as he pleases. She can be the maid/housekeeper, etc.
> Come an go as he pleases. Do what he wants when he wants. No asking or telling. Just doing.
> Why spend money on a worthless counselor. Use it on something beneficial.


And why buy another house, another car, two power bills etc etc. I told her I’m not slamming the kids with our ****ty past. But I’m no longer willing to treat her like my wife. Ive come to the conclusion that she lost that from me when she screwed her boss for a year instead of me. And then never really wanted me after that.


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## Monstromo

sokillme said:


> So you were marred for 38 years feeling like she never was attracted to you? WHY? Of course you are going to be unhappy if that was the case. Entirely on you though. It was your choice and continues to be. Have you talked to her about it? I am sure she would just tell you it's not true.


Yep. My decision. I’m not looking for your affirmation.


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## Lostinthought61

Monstromo said:


> I live in one room. She lives in another. She’s not real happy about it. Me neither. Probably why I’m posting here looking for a way to vent and maybe a bit of understanding and help.


but what are you doing to live that independent life beyond your room...are you vacationing alone, are you traveling alone... are you seeing the world or are you keeping within the same prison as your wife? here is the thing Jack, you can punish her or you can free yourself from the chains of committment to a cheater and someone who sees you as a safety net....push yourself to find love, excitement, gratitude, you name it. keep her in the prison not yourself


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## Monstromo

Lostinthought61 said:


> Jack it seems to me that you could have had a lot of time to think about this, and when you could do something about it you choose to do nothing, you took and higher ground and moved on...you id what many men would not do, now you find this bitter taste after all these years later and none of us can blame you at all, look you bailed her out of what could ahve been a bad life for her, so let me ask you, perhaps you shoudl now tell her it's payback and that for the next year or years you will do everything that you want to do and she will say nothing and will go along with everything and anything you want....no questions asked...or you will expose her for the cheater she is.


Not saying I made the right decision. I was a very different person then.


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## Openminded

Monstromo said:


> Haha. It’s not fear. I’m not the kind of guy that has ever been a fearful. Careful…yes. How do you think I got so physically messed up? I was a patient at NRMC Long Beach for a reason. I have very little fear. I’m a hell of a leader of men. I’ve got the medals to prove it. It wasn’t and isn’t fear that keeps me here. I look at it as kindness for her 42 years. She is the mother of the boys. They love her. They have no clue their mom was a cheater. I’m not raining on their parade. I’m not selfish enough to do that to her or them. And it’s certainly not about fear. I’ve been paralyzed. I’ve been wracked with unbelievable pain. I learned to deal with it. Crush it. Defy it. Deny it. I don’t take opiate pain meds. I’m allergic to them (thank god). I use pain to burn my fire harder, tougher. I use it to fuel my efforts to walk. To step one more step. To walk one more mile. I conquer pain like an enemy. So…don’t ever accuse me of fear.
> 
> rant over. Not sorry.


Call it what you wish. Whatever the reason, you chose to eat that sandwich 40 years ago and obviously the clock can’t be turned back now. Vent all you like but I don’t think too many here will view what you did as an act of kindness. Sounds like you’ve found a solution — roommates — so if that works for you then carry on.


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## sokillme

Look man. If you want love in your life, you are not going to find it if you stay put. You really have two choices. Status quo or move on and take a chance. No one on this site or anywhere else, some counselor you pay hundreds of thousands of dollars is going to be able to give you any other choices. That's what you are looking at. You stayed put for 40 some years how has that worked out for you?

No one says you have to tell your kid about his paternity. You don't even have to tell them about the cheating however I would advise against it as it may make you out to be the bad guy. But you can say it was long ago and you just never really recovered. They are adults, they will probably get it.

There is always the possibility your kid will find out, and that may be hell if you guys are both gone. No answers, just questions. Not sure that is right either. At least if you tell him you can do it in a controlled fashion and let him ask you all the questions, assure him that he is still your kid.


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## Marc878

I’ll say this. Life isn’t fair it’s how you handle that unfairness.
Under the circumstances I can see your solution. It may not be perfect but if it works for you it’s really no one else’s business. Having a carefree life with a built in housekeeper/roommate is probably your best solution.


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## Monstromo

Lostinthought61 said:


> but what are you doing to live that independent life beyond your room...are you vacationing alone, are you traveling alone... are you seeing the world or are you keeping within the same prison as your wife? here is the thing Jack, you can punish her or you can free yourself from the chains of committment to a cheater and someone who sees you as a safety net....push yourself to find love, excitement, gratitude, you name it. keep her in the prison not yourself


I have done nothing since Covid. I was in hospice when I figured she was simply not caring about me. That rejection brought the DDay back in spades. I was then determined to find out why she did it, when etc. I got my ass out of hospice through sheer will power. I’m fused S1-T4, C4-5-6, fx left femur, both wrists, left elbow, pelvis front and back, both knees dislocated, right jaw smashed and now prosthetic. So travel,is limited to me strapping on a weapon (cuz I’ve always carried one) and seeing how far I can go that day. Talking to new friends I get online. But I can’t drive more than a mile or so. I can walk, or could till I tore a tender, don’t know how in my right ankle. Probably something I stressed when I crashed years ago. So. Nope I’m not living some new free life and finding love. I’m lucky I’m still above ground. But it’s my house and my home and I’m keeping it. I cook. I love cooking. I read a ton. I have new friends and she makes sure the bills get paid. With my money. I’m good with that.


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## Monstromo

sokillme said:


> So you were marred for 38 years feeling like she never was attracted to you? WHY? Of course you are going to be unhappy if that was the case. Entirely on you though. It was your choice and continues to be. Have you talked to her about it? I am sure she would just tell you it's not true.
> 
> As far as your kids, why do you even have to bring up paternity? Why can't you just say she cheated and you never got over it. Let her tell the story. Your kids are adults they will survive you guys not being married. Pretty common. It's your life you only get one. Besides I bet if you dig hard enough you will find there has been more over the years.
> 
> People like your wife to change cold turkey. Nah, they just get better at hiding it.


I’m not expecting her to change.


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## Openminded

Monstromo said:


> I don’t need your affirmation. I’m not here for affirmation. But hey if your here to be nasty…go for it. Your good at seeing life through only your filter, bow out.


I agreed being roommates was a good idea. You seem to have a chip on your shoulder so carry on.


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## Monstromo

sokillme said:


> Look man. If you want love in your life, you are not going to find it if you stay put. You really have two choices. Status quo or move on and take a chance. No one on this site or anywhere else, some counselor you pay hundreds of thousands of dollars is going to be able to give you any other choices. That's what you are looking at. You stayed put for 40 some years how has that worked out for you?
> 
> No one says you have to tell your kid about his paternity. You don't even have to tell them about the cheating however I would advise against it as it may make you out to be the bad guy. But you can say it was long ago and you just never really recovered. They are adults, they will probably get it.
> 
> There is always the possibility your kid will find out, and that may be hell if you guys are both gone. No answers, just questions. Not sure that is right either. At least if you tell him you can do it in a controlled fashion and let him ask you all the questions, assure him that he is still your kid.


I’m 65, a physical wreck. I’m no longer looking for love. I’m saying I am sorry I didn’t find it. Read. Then think.


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## Monstromo

Monstromo said:


> I’m 65, a physical wreck. I’m no longer looking for love. I’m saying I am sorry I didn’t find it. Read. Then think.


Did I say I don’t need your affirmation? Yeah. I did! So I don’t care what you agree with or don’t agree with. I don’t care if you think I’m right. I am looking for understanding and helpful talk. Not *****ing.


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## sokillme

Monstromo said:


> I’m 65, a physical wreck. I’m no longer looking for love. I’m saying I am sorry I didn’t find it. Read. Then think.


What exactly are you looking for then? Is this some kind of warning? 

Love takes courage man. Then and now.


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## Monstromo

sokillme said:


> What exactly are you looking for then? Is this some kind of warning?
> 
> Love takes courage man. Then and now.


What am I looking for? Nothing from you. But you don’t seem to get that. So here: bow out. Get that?


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## Monstromo

sokillme said:


> What exactly are you looking for then? Is this some kind of warning?
> 
> Love takes courage man. Then and now.


Haha, don’t talkmto me about coursge.


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## Marc878

Monstromo said:


> I’m 65, a physical wreck. I’m no longer looking for love. I’m saying I am sorry I didn’t find it. Read. Then think.


Age and health are always a factor. You are correct. You can’t change the past. No one can.
There’s nothing wrong with living within your given situation. It sounds like you’ve had a rewarding career. 
There’s a lot that can’t say that.


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## Rob_1

I still can't understand OP type of men. They clain to be courageous, without fear, with honor, and yet they may be all that with other men or with themselves, but when it comes to women these men have no self respect, no dignity, no self worth. 

Just imagine, this is the biological antithesis of what mother nature intended for all men: that of ensuring that the offspring is theirs and not one else. In other words the ultimate cuckolded man raising another man's child.

Then we have the ultimate self sacrificing "white knight" Lancelot protecting his cheating lady so that she does not get in any danger. I can understand this behavior from a teen or early twentysomething inexperienced male, but to live with that sword stuck through your heart basically all your life is nothing but a buffoon tragic-comedy. After all these years living in nothing but excuses, he's now "somewhat" hurt???? Really?

I could be the ugliest Quasimodo in this world, and I wouldn't care one bit. I would rather live the rest of my life alone (not lonely) than sleeping with and feeding the enemy. 

Moreover, that child has a right to know who his biological father is, if anything for later in life medical reasons. Instead we have a couple of cowards hiding the ugly truth. No wonder why they deserve each other.

I understand that OP doesn't give a **** about anyone's opinion, but since this is a forum where any member can give his opinion I'm giving mine so that other people looking for advice ser everything that's wrong with this OP and they don't fall into the same trap, and hopefully, at least they gather some input in how to have self respect, dignity, and self worth.


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## Beach123

I’d sit the adult child down and lay out the facts.
With dna testing done by so many now it’s bound to come out at some point. 23and me has revealed a lot of cover ups through the years. 
I would think your adult child deserves that truth - at the bare minimum. 
yep, that will also expose your wife’s infidelity - and that is HER history to deal with, not yours.

start laying out some truths so your kids have correct info about their past.


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## SongoftheSouth

NM didnt realize how long ago this happened


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## jlg07

Beach123 said:


> I’d sit the adult child down and lay out the facts.
> With dna testing done by so many now it’s bound to come out at some point. 23and me has revealed a lot of cover ups through the years.
> I would think your adult child deserves that truth - at the bare minimum.
> yep, that will also expose your wife’s infidelity - and that is HER history to deal with, not yours.
> 
> start laying out some truths so your kids have correct info about their past.


Not only would he be devastated finding it out if YOU haven't told him, there may be medical issues that will crop up and he needs to know about this.


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## Beach123

It will come out eventually. You may as well be the one to bring the truth out into the open.

it’s hers to deal with when that truth is revealed.
I’d comfort the son - not your wife.


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## ConanHub

@Monstromo

Hope you come back and I appreciate your story.

It seems good guys get screwed far too often and I'm sorry your dipstick wife apparently never realized what she had with you.

Send her here buddy.😈


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## ABHale

Why in the hell did you stay with her?

Why didn’t you blow the POSAP’s career up?

It’s no wonder she lost all respect for you. She got pregnant during her affair and you pretend it never happened. You have done this to yourself. You are the one that stayed. You are the one, I assume, that knowingly raised another man’s kid as your own. Why would your wife have any respect for you when you don’t have it for yourself.


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## ABHale

Monstromo said:


> And his sperm donor was afraid his career as a naval officer would be over, his wife would leave him etc. he has never so much as contacted her since the day we left South Carolina. He had zero desire. It would have ended his career in those days. Dishonorably. He’s a complete loser.


Then you should have. You were acting like a loser when you left with your tail between your legs.

Also, this has nothing to do with the AP. Your wife was the one that made vows to you to be faithful.

You chose to stay with a cheater that had another man’s child.

Now your butt hurt because your wife has proven that she doesn’t give a damn about you by her actions. You have told us that you knew she was no longer attracted to you. Yet, you chose to stay.

You made the bed your in now, suck it up or divorce the person pretending to be your loving wife.


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## *Deidre*

Welcome to TAM!

Understand that while it may seem offensive at first, most people here just want to help. Your opening post resembles many spouses who come here looking for a way out or how to better cope. But if you have your reasons for staying, I’d just be curious to know if you follow any particular belief in God? My grandmother who passed away a few years ago stayed in a toxic marriage, and I think much of that had to do with her faith and believing that divorce wasn’t an option at all.


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