# My feelings are confusing me....Need input



## Timed Out (Aug 11, 2015)

Hello all, 

1st post. 

I came to this sight looking for insight into my situation. Hopefully, I'm posting in the correct spot.

I'm 31 years old and have been married for 6 years. No kids.

Let me start my saying my wife is a great lady who I love very much.

When my wife and I first got married we were both still in the party scene, out on the weekends until bar close etc etc. 
Now having grown older, my interests have changed and so have hers. I like to live a very active, outdoor life style. My wife would rather spend her Saturday perched on the sofa reading a book. I find myself doing most things that I enjoy by myself for the past couple years. At 1st I was OK with this, but the last year or two it has really began to wear on me. I feel like we are growing apart further and further with each passing day. 

We've discussed it and she has tried to appease me, which I commend her for, by coming along on my outdoor adventures but its easy to tell she is miserable, not enjoying herself in the least. I'd rather her just stay home to be honest. It's not enjoyable for either of us at that point.

I know I have very high expectations for marriage, my parents have shown me that such a marriage is possible, and can thrive. 
My wife's parents, Not so much. She says that our marriage is just how marriage is, I completely disagree.

The older i get, The more i feel like I'm wasting my time in my current situation.

Gimmie your insight please....


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I think it's important for each of you to do what you like to do together and seperatly. She is more of a homebody, you enjoy the outdoors. You each can do what you like to do seperatly. Be outside with a buddy. Is she upset that you aren't at home with her? So compromise, one weekend you stay home with her and another weekend you both do something outside. Compromise, that's what marriage is about. It doesn't have to be that she needs to do everything with you or the marriage is over. What if she told you to stay home with me every weekend or the marriage is over? That's what you would be saying to her. You took your vows and to me you would be divorcing over something trivial.

My husband enjoys golfing, I don't, so he goes with his friends. I enjoy swimming he doesn't so I go with our children, friends or by myself. We have mutual interests and separate interests.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> I think it's important for each of you to do what you like to do together and seperatly. She is more of a homebody, you enjoy the outdoors. You each can do what you like to do seperatly. Be outside with a buddy.


Nope! Disagree...

While it is important to have your own interests, the bulk of your time (especially sans kids) should be spent on mutual activities, shared TOGETHER. Otherwise you will find yourselves drifting further and further apart.

I love outdoor activities (hiking, shooting guns and bows, hunting, fishing)... My Ex liked golf, sunbathing, and attending "social functions".

Find some common ground, or you will likely part ways. Just like we did.

20 years, down the drain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Timed Out (Aug 11, 2015)

Thank you HM and HAAC, I appreciate your input on both fronts. 

I see how her parent's marriage is(or isnt), We have discussed how we never wanted to end up like her parents way back when.... Yet here we are.....


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

What about a 3rd kind of activity that both can enjoy more?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Recreational companionship is one of the recongnized emotional needs in marriage.


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

You dont have kids like a previous poster so your situation is not the same. First of all what does your wife think. Is she happy for the marriage to carry on as it is. She seems to do her best to please you and that is something you have to take into account. 
Maybe a trial separation and I mean a real one is the answer. To see if you really miss each other.


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## PHE (Apr 25, 2015)

You are not alone in feeling that you are wasting your time in your current situation....I feel the same way. I've been married for 20 years and to be honest, the way things happened 20+ years ago, I thought it was meant to be but over the past 2-3 years, we are just not getting alone. It really sucks my friend but I am tired of being miserable in this marriage. Your not alone.


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## PHE (Apr 25, 2015)

I see that Happy As A Clam posted....20 years, down the drain....I truly believe that is where my marriage is heading. She says she wants it to work and for us to be together BUT we need to figure out what the problem is between us and every time I talk about us getting help (seeing a marriage counselor) she always says she doesn't think it will help. Talk about being confused (me!)....


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Timed Out said:


> Hello all,
> 
> 1st post.
> 
> ...


Compromise. There's gotta be _something_ that she could do outdoors that she'd enjoy. Maybe riding a bike? Tennis? Golf? Find _something_.

On the flipside, maybe join a book club -- or commit to some other activity that she enjoys -- together.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

My SO and I are similar to you and your wife. He's all sporty and outdoorsy, while I like the outdoors in limited doses. We agree on the beach/water, something we both like. We also both like to read, so that works out at home (or if I had to attend one of his football/softball league games, when he was younger). We still go out on occasion because we like live music, but we make time for drinking/music/dancing in the living room, too - a great way to bond. He doesn't dance, lol, but he'll watch me do it while playing dj. He goes running while I sleep in, or he might wait so we can go for a walk together. He's trying to remind me that I used to enjoy biking, and I'm slowly coming around but I have rules, dammit - must be on a trail and not a city street with cars or it's no fun for me. He will watch Game of Thrones with me, but will do something else if I insist on Greys Anatomy.

My point is, you need some common ground and I can't imagine you wouldn't have ANY common ground at all. You both also need to be somewhat accommodating - no 50 mile bike rides, but a 10 mile ride on a trail might be ok. Maybe read one of those books she likes to read and talk about it together, rather than dismissing reading as an activity.

Try lots of new, different things, too, even things you don't think you'd like as much as the things that you love to do. Maybe you would both like bowling, enough for it to be fun to do it together though you wouldn't otherwise. Maybe you would both like taking a dance class of some sort. Maybe you wouldn't, but it's worth a try. Be creative and don't rule anything out until you've tried it.

This kind of stuff is far less of a problem for us now, than it was when we were your age. He was convinced he needed a sporty playmate during his triathlon/softball/football days, and I told him he'd need to look elsewhere despite being a runner at the time. These days, he'd rather have a sexy playmate who loves HIM rather than a sporty one who would do Everything with him but was primarily looking for a sporty playmate rather than being interested in his mind, too. How's your sex life? How's your conversation?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Not only in marriage, but even in more simple relationships, it's VERY important to have mutual interests. I'm not saying each shouldn't have their alone time/hobbies, but when these overcome the mutual interests, then there's a problem. 
It sounds like you and your wife are opposites. For example, I'm like you. I love being outdoors and I don't know if I could handle being with someone who is a homebody. To me, being inside the walls, is like suffocation. Therefore, it's crucial to me to have someone to do things with or else, I'll end up doing things by myself (which I enjoy A LOT) but I would re-evaluate the relationship with someone who belongs to the other extreme.

I agree with other posters though, that if you want her to do things that please you, you gotta do the same for her. 
There's gotta be a balance between things you do by yourself, things she does by herself and activities you do together. If you end up doing MOST things by yourself, then I can see how this makes you feel like you two are drifting apart and I don't blame you for that. 
One of my exes was the opposite of me. He would never join me in my free time (whether it was running outdoors or going out together to bars/restaurants/clubs, runaway weekends ... and so on). Even when in a relationship with him, I felt single all the time.

I'm afraid the situation in your marriage will not become better. I'm not saying this is a reason to divorce her but you either talk to her and see if she "sacrifices" a bit for you (and you for her) or you accept as things are now (with the chance of getting worse) and live with it. 

Would be interesting to know what she thinks of how you feel.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Hicks said:


> Recreational companionship is one of the recongnized emotional needs in marriage.


Yes, but it has to go both ways. He needs to do recreational activities she enjoys and visa versa. It's selfish to say she isn't doing what I enjoy doing so I'm thinking of leaving, that's why the divorce rate is so high, people divorcing over trivial matters.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> Compromise. There's gotta be _something_ that she could do outdoors that she'd enjoy. Maybe riding a bike? Tennis? Golf? Find _something_.
> 
> On the flipside, maybe join a book club -- or commit to some other activity that she enjoys -- together.


Compromise is the key. Find something that overlaps. I like to climb and I go away on climbing weekends. My wife doesn't climb and is afraid of heights. But she does go on some of my climbing trips. She stays at camp and reads, strolls around and cooks dinner for when we get back. She enjoys that and we spend the evening together. 

But it also goes the other way. Do things with her that she likes. You need to compromise as well. You can do many thing separately but you each need to accommodate the others interests in some manner.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

norajane said:


> My SO and I are similar to you and your wife. He's all sporty and outdoorsy, while I like the outdoors in limited doses. We agree on the beach/water, something we both like. We also both like to read, so that works out at home (or if I had to attend one of his football/softball league games, when he was younger). We still go out on occasion because we like live music, but we make time for drinking/music/dancing in the living room, too - a great way to bond. He doesn't dance, lol, but he'll watch me do it while playing dj. He goes running while I sleep in, or he might wait so we can go for a walk together. He's trying to remind me that I used to enjoy biking, and I'm slowly coming around but I have rules, dammit - must be on a trail and not a city street with cars or it's no fun for me. He will watch Game of Thrones with me, but will do something else if I insist on Greys Anatomy.
> 
> My point is, you need some common ground and I can't imagine you wouldn't have ANY common ground at all. You both also need to be somewhat accommodating - no 50 mile bike rides, but a 10 mile ride on a trail might be ok. Maybe read one of those books she likes to read and talk about it together, rather than dismissing reading as an activity.
> 
> ...



Great stuff, Norajane. I gotta admit that when my wife and I were young, we did more things separately, aside from going out to bars and clubs on weekends.

Once we had kids though, everything changed. My wife and I compromised and I became a big fan of swimming because my oldest daughter was a swimmer. My wife became a big fan of football and basketball because both my boys play those sports. Go figure.

Our whole family will go fishing down at the beach some weekends or to a football game as surprise, surprise, once my wife learned the game from watching our kids play, she actually liked it.

I have grown as well. My wife and I enjoy going antiquing together. Imagine that. If you had told me that I could spend a Saturday with my wife shopping for antique Bedside Nightstands or Buffet Tables, I would have laughed in your face. But you know what, I actually enjoy it and not just because my wife does. I enjoy it because it's something we both kind of like and we can do it together and we enjoy each others company.

You would be surprised at some of the things and activities that you actually might enjoy, OP, if you just gave it a chance and had an open mind. 

My wife and I were lovers when we got married but over the years, we have become best friends. I think that's how it should be.


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## Timed Out (Aug 11, 2015)

Thank you all, I truly appreciate all the insight and i agree with most all aspects that have been mentioned.

To be fair, She does try to do things I enjoy, but a bike ride or hike always turns into, "its to hot", "or there's to many bugs." Always something and like i said above, it's not fun for anyone at that point and i honestly find myself wishing she would have just stayed home. 

I'll certainly admit, I don't care what the activity is, as long as its outdoors. I can enjoy an afternoon on the farm fixing fence just about as much as I can a nice 10 mile hike.

It kills to me say, but I've just quit trying with the outdoor activities. 

I do partake in her activities some. She really enjoys cooking and I'm a big fan of eating so that works out well Just kidding, I have no qualms jumping in the kitchen and making a nice meal together, I actually enjoy it. She says she does too. 

In reality, we are room mates who get along pretty decent right now.




On another note, 

Yesterday, I picked her up from work and she walked out with a new fairly attractive male employee. The twinkle/spark in her eyes was something I've not saw in a long time. And to be honest, I strangely didn't feel anything but happiness that it occurred. And I'm not totally sure why I didn't feel at least a little anger.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Timed Out said:


> In reality, we are room mates who get along pretty decent right now.
> 
> On another note,
> 
> Yesterday, I picked her up from work and she walked out with a new fairly attractive male employee. The twinkle/spark in her eyes was something I've not saw in a long time. And to be honest, I strangely didn't feel anything but happiness that it occurred. And I'm not totally sure why I didn't feel at least a little anger.


She sparkled probably because someone was paying attention to her and appreciating her (instead of finding her lacking because she doesn't do x or y or z). Do you still flirt with her? Tell her she's beautiful and sexy? Do you still go out on dates and laugh and talk and connect? Are you affectionate with each other? Do you compliment each other often, even about little things? Do you even _notice _the little things she does for you that you could compliment her on? Or do you only see where she falls short in your eyes?

It sounds like you're pretty detached right now.

Since she's a reader, I'm going to guess she might connect through more intellectual pursuits (rather than the physical, outdoorsy pursuits). Do you connect on that level? Share an interest in politics, astronomy, puzzles (like mystery novels or movies), charities/causes? Do you engage her mind?


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## Timed Out (Aug 11, 2015)

norajane said:


> She sparkled probably because someone was paying attention to her and appreciating her (instead of finding her lacking because she doesn't do x or y or z). Do you still flirt with her? Tell her she's beautiful and sexy? Do you still go out on dates and laugh and talk and connect? Are you affectionate with each other? Do you compliment each other often, even about little things? Do you even _notice _the little things she does for you that you could compliment her on? Or do you only see where she falls short in your eyes?
> 
> It sounds like you're pretty detached right now.
> 
> Since she's a reader, I'm going to guess she might connect through more intellectual pursuits (rather than the physical, outdoorsy pursuits). Do you connect on that level? Share an interest in politics, astronomy, puzzles (like mystery novels or movies), charities/causes? Do you engage her mind?


Great points Norajane, Yes i certainly could do better on the compliments department. Affection now days is just going through the motions, on both our parts.

We still share our fair share of laughs, usually based around our yellow lab though. 

Our interests when it comes to things like politics usually end up in a fight. We rarely share the same views. 

And yes, you are very right, I am detached and have been for awhile now. I've just kinda been doing my thing, and her doing hers.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Timed Out said:


> Great points Norajane, Yes i certainly could do better on the compliments department. Affection now days is just going through the motions, on both our parts.
> 
> We still share our fair share of laughs, usually based around our yellow lab though.
> 
> ...


This is not good that you are detached and there is a coworker that puts a sparkle in her eye. You need to start doing similar things that you did when you were dating. Compliments, fun things etc. They dont need to be the exact same things because you both have changed. In short you need to start dating her again. If you were single what would you do to get to know your wife? You need to start getting to know her again and have fun doing it. Forget about the outdoors for now and find her interests and passion an partake in it with her. You need to be proactive with this or you may one day discover that she detaches or worse.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

meson said:


> Compromise is the key. Find something that overlaps. I like to climb and I go away on climbing weekends. My wife doesn't climb and is afraid of heights. But she does go on some of my climbing trips. She stays at camp and reads, strolls around and cooks dinner for when we get back. She enjoys that and we spend the evening together.
> 
> But it also goes the other way. Do things with her that she likes. You need to compromise as well. You can do many thing separately but you each need to accommodate the others interests in some manner.


Harley says you should be spending at least 15 hours a week together doing 'dating' stuff, things that both of you enjoy. With no kids, I would up that to 20+ hours. That's how you stay in love. Outside of that time, you can then find time to do the other things that make each of you feel refreshed. What's needed is a discussion and an agreement on OTHER things you can do together.


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## Timed Out (Aug 11, 2015)

Thanks Turn. Insightful to say the least. I've got about 19.9hrs of "us" stuff to come up with....


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Hello, Timed out. 


Do you know what you want? Have you thought about your relationship's future and how you envision it? Do you want the tools to get it? 

Turnera is right on with Dr Harley's method. 

Here take a look at what a marriage looks like. A few of these might give you a better and direct insight, than the pick and peck method of posting. From these tools, you can decide what you want and how you would move forward...

His Needs, Her Needs

A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts


The 5 Love Languages

Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships? One Language at a Time.


Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men 

8 Tools That Will Change Your Life | The Art of Manliness

Best


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## Timed Out (Aug 11, 2015)

Thanks Anchor, 

You are right, At this point, Im not sure what I want. I feel like i've tried and tried to make things work and be happy. There's something deep inside though that tells me that will never happen. Maybe I'll never be happily married, no matter what? 


I'll be reading through these all shortly.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Marriage requires effort and maintenance, just like biking. Good and happy marriages don't just "happen."


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Timed Out said:


> Thanks Anchor,
> 
> You are right, At this point, Im not sure what I want. I feel like i've tried and tried to make things work and be happy. There's something deep inside though that tells me that will never happen. Maybe I'll never be happily married, no matter what?



Nonsense! Many of us don't know what we want, until we know what we can have. Then we have to learn how to get, because it doesn't just come to us. 

You can find happiness. The best place to look for it is in yourself, not others. You are responsible for your own happiness, not others. I can't say if it's with this wife, but you can find it. 

No More Mr Nice Guy

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-better-man-better-partner.html


BTW, my DW of forty years never did anything outdoors or athletic, ever. Never rode a bike, never swam, never hiked, not even gym class. I was involved athletics and outdoors all my life. Go figure...

That's enough from me for now

Best


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Timed Out said:


> Thanks Anchor,
> 
> You are right, At this point, Im not sure what I want. I feel like i've tried and tried to make things work and be happy. There's something deep inside though that tells me that will never happen. Maybe I'll never be happily married, no matter what?
> 
> ...


No offense, but this is nonsense.

What you are describing is just ignorance. And that's not a dis at you because nearly ALL of us start out our marriages in total ignorance in what it takes to stay in love and stay happy together. They truly should make people read the links anchor gave you in high school. If I'd read it at year 1 instead of year 20, I'd have saved myself 20 years of misery.

Anyway, you two were crazy about each other once. You can be again. Those crazy, lustful feelings you once had for each other are due to the PEA chemicals we all get once we meet someone (please read the link to understand more). They only stay in the human body for 2, 4, maybe 5 years - to ensure the humans lust enough to procreate and keep the species going, initially - and then you're just left with the marriage. And two people wondering what they ever saw in each other. 

So you're now at the stage of saying what do I do next? If you read the stuff we've given you, up the time together (with no tv, computer, games turned on), learn more about each other (using Harley's questionnaires) so that you are in tune with each other, you will 'suddenly' discover why you once loved each other and will find it again.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Timed Out said:


> Thanks Anchor,
> 
> You are right, At this point, Im not sure what I want. I feel like i've tried and tried to make things work and be happy. There's something deep inside though that tells me that will never happen. *Maybe I'll never be happily married, no matter what? *
> 
> ...


Why did you get married? What attracted you to your wife, and why did you choose to get married at all? How have you changed since then? How has she?


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