# Emotional Affair or more....?



## Scott1973 (Mar 26, 2011)

My wife of 12 years got a new job in a small office. She worked there a few months and many times she would be alone in there just her and her boss.

A few months into the job I notice that she is guarding her phone and texting allot more than usual. I did not think much of it because she texted already with her girl friends and such.

One Friday night I get home at around 10 pm. I had been out with a buddy, I stopped at the grocery store and picked her up a dozen roses to bring home that night. As I am walking in with the roses (a little earlier than she expected) her cell phone starts ringing and she answers it. She was acting kind of strange on the phone saying to the person on the other end that it was the wrong number. She hung up and I asked who it was...she said wrong #. She then put her phone down and I picked it up and noticed that her boss was the one that called at 10pm on Friday! I immediately questioned her and she lied to me about who called and even told me that it may of been him and he still had the wrong number...and did not mean to call her. I immediately sensed BS, grabbed the phone and a verbal and physical tug of war over the phone began. I got her admit she was talking to him outside of work about his marital problems. She said nothing more happened..
Next day I told her to call him in front of me and resign - she did....with great reluctance. (We did not need her job financially)
Over the next week and in dribs and drabs - more info came in from her.......Here is what she admitted.

- they has some mild sex chat including him saying to her that he pictured her on his living-room chair nude at his house with her legs spread
- talked about sex positions with lots of flirting mixed in. 
- she even bought some lingerie and lace panties then called him to tell him "she went shopping"
- Multiple hugs at the office and 2 kisses on the cheek...
- they texted many times every day outside of work for the previous 3 weeks...(i confirmed this)
- She claims nothing else happened

All this I pried out of her. She claims she initiated the first hug..and told him "that felt better then she expected" She was the one that kissed him on the cheek. She admitted to me at the time she loved him, she told him so on more than one occasion, he never returned the comment.(according to her)

After promising no contact, 2 weeks later she called him - I catch her via a VAR in her car.
She lied about that contact until I let here hear the evidence! Next day she sent him a no contact letter....
It now been 5 months later...we are doing great and she has changed and seems to want us to work out.....but....

She denies over and over again nothing more happened and says that she was confused back then and has always loved me and realizes now that she did not love him....

I still wonder if it went further than the hugs and 2 kisses on the cheek....She denies to this day 5 months later....thoughts?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Oh-oh! This is not good. It is possible that you are being given trickle truth.

Hugs and two kisses on the cheek? Well... it's possible, I suppose.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

She had sex with him and plenty of it - of this there is no doubt. None whatsoever. 

Like the phone - you won't get the truth without a struggle. 

Tell her to leave the home unless she consents to a polygraph. Tell her you can reconcile but won't do it based on lies. Not at all. 

She was very callous in engaging with her boyfriend while stringing you along. The boyfriend may not be divorced or seeking one. You can bet they both lied to cover themselves. If they worked for a large company go to HR and ask for their policy on fraternization. You may have a complaint to file. 

Do not reconcile unless you feel you have the entire truth. All of it.


----------



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Maybe I'm too cynical, but you have to take everything she says with a grain of salt. You have already caught her in a few lies, so you are entitled to wonder if she is being fully truthful now. Be prepared for the worst. 

It does sound like your wife is trying, which is a good sign. But from personal experience, the lies an unfaithful spouse will tell are truly amazing. It's almost like they create a new reality for themselves which allows them to deal with their guilt of betrayal.

Do you have any kids?


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I find it very difficult to believe her story. The fact that she admitted buying lingerie for him is a very bad sign. Really, she just had hugs and a couple of kisses for a man who is telling her he imagines her in sexually explicit poses? That strains all credulity.

Here's the thing. Cheaters lie. In order to justify what she did, she had to start out by lying to herself, perhaps about how she deserved some happiness, or about how bad the marriage was (not in actuality, but in her mind). This gave her the mental permission to push marital boundaries. Once she started secretly communicating with him and pushing things further and further out, she had to start lying to you.

She might not have been a very good liar at first, but when you didn't pick up on it, she became bolder and better at it. At the point at which you caught it, she was getting to be rather skillful at lying. When caught, what was her very first reaction? That's right, to lie. You caught her out in that lie. So what did she do next? She lied again.

Cheaters never get that the core betrayal in an affair is not the cheating--it's the LYING. They think that by minimizing what happened, they will lessen your anger toward them. Minimizing also assuages their guilt. (They lie to themselves that they are protecting you with their lies.)

I am very sorry, but I doubt very much that you have the full truth.


----------



## Scott1973 (Mar 26, 2011)

walkonmars said:


> She had sex with him and plenty of it - of this there is no doubt. None whatsoever.
> 
> Like the phone - you won't get the truth without a struggle.
> 
> ...


I don't know if she had lots of sex with him...there may not have been much opportunity...from a timing perspective. 

She is trying though now....even combined our facebook page with both of us on it (she closed hers)and has a picture of the 2 of us in her car on the dash....maybe she is telling me the truth?


----------



## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

Im sorry but I have to agree with the others. She said she loved him, why stop then with just a hug? There is very likely more to their relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Scott1973 said:


> I don't know if she had lots of sex with him...there may not have been much opportunity...from a timing perspective.
> 
> She is trying though now....even combined our facebook page with both of us on it (she closed hers)and has a picture of the 2 of us in her car on the dash....maybe she is telling me the truth?


Perhaps she is the ONE exception on this board. For reconciliation, as disappointing it is to know she had relations with someone else is - and she did have at the very least, emotional relations - you shouldn't accept lies. 

Again she could be the SINGLE exception of the dozens that show up on these boards weekly. I'm not trying to shake you up. But I work in a large company - as long as there's a conference room available for 20 minutes there's opportunities. Just saying that 'the timing was off' is not a deterrent to anything. Heck, pulling the car into the far end of the parking lot has been done plenty of times. 

The place and time isn't the issue - it's the lying. You can put this all behind you - she is doing everything else right. But I have doubts you have the truth. 

Then again - that is all you may want to know - that she's trying. It may not be totally satisfying. My worry is that in a year it's going to be gnawing at you. Better to get it ALL out now.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Scott1973 said:


> I still wonder if it went further than the hugs and 2 kisses on the cheek....She denies to this day 5 months later....thoughts?


Here's my thoughts.









Seriously. Your wife is completely inconsistent. She was alone with the guy all day long, thought she was in love with him, but restricted her physical activities to hugs and cheek kisses? You dated your wife once. Was she still chastely hugging you when telling you she loved you? Or was she giving you tug jobs in the back row of the movie theater (or worse)?

Also, was she stockpiling lingerie for their eventual sexual relationship? That would be unusual. Women tend to buy lingerie around the time they are going to be using it, not for some future, undetermined, may never happen date.

Also, you need to keep in mind that trickle truth translator mechanism. A disloyal spouse will tell you only what he/she thinks you already know. If you dig up more on your own, he/she will admit to that in the future. But not before. And they minimize it. Another poster wrote something that I still remember.

If she says they talked, they talked about sex. If she says they went for coffee, they went on a date. If she says they kissed, she blew him. If she says they cuddled, they had sex. If she says they had sex, they went around the world more times than she can remember.

That paragraph is probably a good rule of thumb. Your wife is almost certainly minimizing. The question is, so what? What are you going to do about it? If she had sex with him, will you leave her? You need to decide that before you continue to question her. If you browbeat her into admitting having sex with him, and your response is, "OK then," you'll just look stupid. So figure out what you want in case she's telling you the truth, or in case she's slightly minimizing, or in case she's lying through her teeth.

You could go with a polygraph to get at the truth. They're not extremely accurate, but sometimes a disloyal spouse will admit the truth after a demand to take one. Also, a refusal to take one speaks volumes.

Also, you should never give up your source of information. Yes, she'll deny what you know. But you just stand firm. By handing her the VAR, she now knows that her car isn't safe to talk in. So, if she's so inclined, she'll find a different place to talk. You've made it much harder for yourself to monitor her.

Good luck.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Her story... not kosher.
Countless times alone at the store.
Full of contradictions: Lingerie plus sex talk but kisses in the cheek? Give me a break. Can you picture yourself being a man doing that?
Nothjing new, even after her countinued lies you are a victim of the *truth bias*. Happens all the time. From wikipedia--->Deception

It was full a blown EA-PA.
It lasted way more than 3 weeks (Not counting the false R).
She put herself as the persuer to protect her married soulmate. She fell hard for him, since she started working there.

Poligraph.


----------



## Scott1973 (Mar 26, 2011)

She told me that she pursued him by giving the first hug after a conversation they had about his troubled home life...she felt sorry for him ...Her and I where having a rough time in our relationship at the time as well.

She also told me that they discussed a physical relationship but would not allow it to go there because "too many people would be hurt"

I thought it was interesting that he never kissed her on the cheek back once ( i clearly asked her this) ...
When she said to him that she loved him....he never said it back to her according to her.... He initiated the sex texting apparently though...
She also told me that he joked with her in the office that they should lock the door and pull the blinds (small office/company)


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

There is a possibility she's telling the truth. There is also a possibility that a comet is going to hit the earth in the next 6 months.

Polygraph.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Scott1973 said:


> She is trying though now....even combined our facebook page with both of us on it (she closed hers)and has a picture of the 2 of us in her car on the dash....maybe she is telling me the truth?


Putting effort in now doesn't equal telling you the truth about her affair. Many disloyal spouses believe, some rightly so, that the truth will end the marriage. You may be willing to forgive your wife sexting and kissing another man. You would be much less willing to forgive your wife doing every kinky act with him that she's been denying you for the last 10 years.

The kicker is, you don't know what's in her heart. That's part of the evil of affairs. Has she ended her affair, or simply gone underground. Does she love you again? Did she ever love you? Does she feels guilty and remorseful, or does she just not want to be a part-time parent to her children while she's forced to get a full-time job with a much less sexy boss.

We can't help you with those questions. Obviously, she's doing the right things. Some disloyal spouses refuse to give up their affairs, or refuse to take responsibility, refuse to quit their jobs, etc. Then, it's easy to spot false reconciliation. But there's no guarantee that a woman who's doing the right things is also feeling and thinking the right things. Sorry.

Good luck.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I know that you want to believe her story, especially since you have children and things have improved. And you can choose to do that. You can do your best to put it behind you and move forward. You can tell yourself that, even though you still have doubts, you've made a conscious decision to get past it. 

If you do that, though, you need to have complete transparency from her. She should know that you don't necessarily believe her story. She needs to stay on probation, so to speak.

(For what it's worth, I don't believe her story at all about the kiss on the cheek & would be extremely surprised if they didn't have sex.)


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> I know that you want to believe her story, especially since you have children and things have improved. And you can choose to do that. You can do your best to put it behind you and move forward. You can tell yourself that, even though you still have doubts, you've made a conscious decision to get past it.
> 
> If you do that, though, you need to have complete transparency from her. She should know that you don't necessarily believe her story. She needs to stay on probation, so to speak.
> 
> (For what it's worth, I don't believe her story at all about the kiss on the cheek & would be extremely surprised if they didn't have sex.)


Yeah, if sex is a deal-breaker for you and you want to keep your family & you are willing to let this go. Then accept her word and let it go. But make her understand that there will never be a second chance. 

This is somewhat troubling because down the line you may feel you are entitled to get some payback. Don't go there. Go to MC and be sure she's fully invested.


----------



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

You have kids, so there is a real incentive for your wife to work on the relationship. But it should be for you too. This is probably one of those cases where you have to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. I went through a very similar thing, and my wife tried really hard for about 5 - 6 months, then relapsed, then she would try again. It was only after we separated that she admitted to the PA.

If you can, try to get away with her (no kids) for a few days - see if you really connect.

Anyway - good luck!


----------



## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Polygraph. 

ASk her to take a polygraph and gauge her reaction.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Scott1973 said:


> I don't know if she had lots of sex with him...there may not have been much opportunity...from a timing perspective.
> 
> She is trying though now....even combined our facebook page with both of us on it (she closed hers)and has a picture of the 2 of us in her car on the dash....maybe she is telling me the truth?


As ALL of the others have said: Yes, she had sex with him.

1. She pursued him
2. She said she loved him'
3. She bought sexy lingerie for him
4. She admits to hugging and a kiss on the cheek
5. He told her he fantasized about her sexually
6. For three weeks they exchanged sexually charged messages
7. He initiated many of the sexually charged messages
8. He never said he loved her, but she said it to him
9. They worked together, all alone, in an office all day with very few interruptions.
10. She was still in contact with him two weeks later after lying to you about no contact.

Based on this, it is just about a certainty that they had sex. He was sexually interested in her and she in him. Why would they stop at a hug? They are not in sixth grade. They are adults. Adults who both are sexually interested in each other don't stop at hugs and a peck on the cheek.

Yes, her story is THEORETICALLY possible. But it is not BELIEVABLE. So tell her you DON'T believe it. Ask her if she will take a polygraph.

Let me add in number 11 to the list above.

11. You are still questioning it five months later. Why is that? Because you know her story doesn't add up?

Finally, if the truth won't affect whether or not you will reconcile with her, I think it still is important. It's a terrible secret that will eat away at her as well as you. A big lie like that should not be an ongoing part of your marriage.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> 11. You are still questioning it five months later. Why is that? Because you know her story doesn't add up?
> 
> .


Will is right.

Why are you here?

It's because your gut says she's lying. She admitted to kissing because that's a lesser charge. Copping to sex would be a felony, end of story. 

She hopes that you'll buy that and be satisfied. 

But if you bought that you wouldn't be here, would you?

She doesn't work now? Stays at home? Can you account for her time alone? Or her ex boss?


----------



## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

Lie detector test. It's the only way, otherwise you won't be able to get closure
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

Scott1973 said:


> I don't know if she had lots of sex with him...there may not have been much opportunity...from a timing perspective.
> 
> She is trying though now....even combined our facebook page with both of us on it (she closed hers)and has a picture of the 2 of us in her car on the dash....maybe she is telling me the truth?


There is always time for sex when u and ur affair partner are alone in an office. Always. 
I truly hope that isn't the case though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Scott1973 (Mar 26, 2011)

I questioned her again last night - still sticking with her story even though I said I would stay and work things out...even if it did happen.

She did admit to me that she would probably had sex with him eventually if the relationship did not end - she told me she is grateful that nothing happened beyond what was told to me....and happy I am still around. "She regrets everything."
We where having lots of sex and everything all the while she was in the EA with her boss....she seems to like sex..

So I don't know if I should keep pushing her or just take her word for it at this time as we are getting along well outside the spectrum of my doubts. She has not budged on her original hug and cheek kiss story.


----------



## Scott1973 (Mar 26, 2011)

....and she did agree with taking a polygraph. Without hesitation.


----------



## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Her agreeing without hesitation is a major plus. I think you can let this go now. If u need more, schedule the poly, drive her there and when u are in the parking lot, give her a last chance to come clean. If she still maintains the story, u are good. If she hesitates, u know there is more. In the case of her maintaining the story, you don't have to follow through on the poly.

There are a number of experts who will advise you in next steps in affair proofing ur marriage. Listen to them.


----------



## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Also have u exposed to OMW?


----------



## Scott1973 (Mar 26, 2011)

Cdelta02 said:


> Also have u exposed to OMW?


No - but thought of it. It would be easy to do as I know how to reach her on LinkedIn. Is that something I should consider doing?


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Scott1973 said:


> ....and she did agree with taking a polygraph. Without hesitation.


Book it, before the poly have her write down a timeline of the affair
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Scott1973 said:


> No - but thought of it. It would be easy to do as I know how to reach her on LinkedIn. Is that something I should consider doing?


Expose the affair , use every means to make contact with his wife . You will be doing his wife a favour by telling the truth and letting her make decisions about her husband .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Scott1973 said:


> No - but thought of it. It would be easy to do as I know how to reach her on LinkedIn. Is that something I should consider doing?


Yes I would do it for three reasons.

1. To see the reaction on the wife's face when I tell her what I had done (or hide it for some time and see if her behavior or mood changes to see if she is still in touch with OM, as he will tell her that the sh&@ hit the fan and it will show on her face). It would tell me a lot either case.

2. 5 months later you are still in shock at the betrayal. No reason why you shouldn't spread it around some. 

3. OMW has a right to know.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Eli-Zor said:


> Book it, before the poly have her write down a timeline of the affair
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:
The prepare yourself for the predictable day before/parking lot confession. In taht case delay the "dealing with it" but follow through with the poly anyway.
- Did you have sex with OM?
- Did you have sex with any other men beyond OM since -- (Insert your exclusivity agreement date)-
- Whatever


----------



## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Listen to Elizor


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Scott1973 said:


> My wife of 12 years got a new job in a small office. She worked there a few months and many times she would be alone in there just her and her boss.
> 
> A few months into the job I notice that she is guarding her phone and texting allot more than usual. I did not think much of it because she texted already with her girl friends and such.
> 
> ...


Whether there was penetration or not the affair did go physical. This was headed to a full blown PA if it had not already. But she has lied to you. You got trickle truth.

You were right to have her quit on the spot. Did you know her work involved her being alone with this guy? What kind of job was this?


----------



## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Agreeing to take a poly with no hesitation could be a bluff. So book an appointment and see ho she acts leading to the day, then make her take it for a piece of mind. Other spouses who have cheated have agreed take it to put up a front. But before (self admission out of fear from taking test)and after the test more truth is found out. Just have her take the test then you'll know for sure.


----------



## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Listen to Elizor. The timeline is important before you get to the parking lot at the polygraphers.

In a way, I now am getting towards saying you should do the poly anyway. At a minimum, it will very clearly show your wife that you still don't trust her and she has to do a lot more to win your trust back.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Scott1973 said:


> I don't know if she had lots of sex with him...there may not have been much opportunity...from a timing perspective.
> 
> She is trying though now....even combined our facebook page with both of us on it (she closed hers)and has a picture of the 2 of us in her car on the dash....maybe she is telling me the truth?


Minor effort of damage control.


----------



## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Scott, 
Other than merging the Facebook pages and the photo on her dashboard (both of which are small actions) what else has she really done? Is she remorsefull? Is she going out of her way to make you comfortable? Is she doing the small things that you need done to get peace of mind? If she leaves the house, does she check in often? Does she go out of her way to do things she wasn't doing before? Is she actively trying to make it up to you in bed? Is she opening up more to you about her feelings? Is she identifying the specific reasons that caused her to look outside the marriage?

Please provide us with some more data to work with.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Scott1973 said:


> She told me that she pursued him by giving the first hug after a conversation they had about his troubled home life...she felt sorry for him ...*Her and I where having a rough time in our relationship at the time as well.*
> 
> *She also told me that they discussed a physical relationship but would not allow it to go there because "too many people would be hurt"*
> 
> ...


Ok this information is the clincher then for the PA. They actually were planning this out. You do know that this is a PUA trick? To discuss why they cannot have sex. That gets them thinking about actually having sex and then rationalizing it. 

My boundaries are not yours. BUT if my wife this far as she describes it would be as bad as if they actually got around to having sex. But indeed she is lying.

What steps have you taken to ensure she is not still seeing him or other men? Has she had other affairs?

But let me address the original question about whether this was an emotional affair or more.

I am going to say much more than an EA even if they have not had full blown sex yet.

You see an EA comes from the bonding. It is that obsessive stuff. Often they feel they are just close friends. It is not this overtly sexual part. It is the confiding part. The oxytocin building part. That may turn into romantic thoughts. Of course romantic can turn physical. 

This seems more. This went into sexual play that IMO is just the first steps of a PA. So once it gets sexual to me it has become a physical thing and not just emotional. How does one have this type of sexual play and then work togther all day and it not go full blown PA in a few days to a week? This is a PA. What you described is not just an EA. This is very sexual. This is about the dopamine.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

cali_chick said:


> There is always time for sex when u and ur affair partner are alone in an office. Always.
> I truly hope that isn't the case though.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is true, but indeed, there is always the lunch break, or before work, or after work. I mean you did not get home until 10 pm that one day. Sounds like she had plenty of time one on one with him.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Scott1973 said:


> ....and she did agree with taking a polygraph. Without hesitation.


Then do it.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Scott1973 said:


> No - but thought of it. It would be easy to do as I know how to reach her on LinkedIn. Is that something I should consider doing?


You need to do this. He used his power as the boss to seduce your wife. He meant to do this. Probably has done this before. I would nuke him.

Yes indeed she was unfaithful to you but I hold both parties culpable.

The OMW has a right to know, but you may find out she knew already and that this is an ongoing thing with her husband.


----------



## Scott1973 (Mar 26, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> This is true, but indeed, there is always the lunch break, or before work, or after work. I mean you did not get home until 10 pm that one day. Sounds like she had plenty of time one on one with him.


That night was a one off....

She normally had to pick up the kids from school and such on a daily basis...so most of the time she would have had would have been during office hours only. That being said she was texting him as early as 6 am and as late as 2 am at times for a 3 week period...she even texted him directly under my nose while at our kids soccer game.


----------



## Scott1973 (Mar 26, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Then do it.


I think i will...


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Scott1973 said:


> That night was a one off, she had to pick up the kids from school and such...so most of the time she would have had would have been during office hours only.


Look, do not dwell on what time she might have had. You did not say what the small business was. That might provide some insight as to how they could have had alone time but indeed, my point is that this was way more than a PA. What she had was a sexual affair with another man whether she got around to having intercourse yet or not. Sounds like a technicality to me. But that is just me. Not trying to pile on you but just answer your original question. This was not "just" an EA. It was an EA that went sexual.

It seems that your boundary might be penetration and you need to know. Ok I get that. I would do the ploy then.


----------



## Scott1973 (Mar 26, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Ok this information is the clincher then for the PA. They actually were planning this out. You do know that this is a PUA trick? To discuss why they cannot have sex. That gets them thinking about actually having sex and then rationalizing it.
> 
> My boundaries are not yours. BUT if my wife this far as she describes it would be as bad as if they actually got around to having sex. But indeed she is lying.
> 
> ...



What does PUA trick mean? 
She was married before and had an affair on her previous husband 17 years ago...her husband was not nice to her apparently.


----------



## Scott1973 (Mar 26, 2011)

Cdelta02 said:


> Scott,
> Other than merging the Facebook pages and the photo on her dashboard (both of which are small actions) what else has she really done? Is she remorsefull? Is she going out of her way to make you comfortable? Is she doing the small things that you need done to get peace of mind? If she leaves the house, does she check in often? Does she go out of her way to do things she wasn't doing before? Is she actively trying to make it up to you in bed? Is she opening up more to you about her feelings? Is she identifying the specific reasons that caused her to look outside the marriage?
> 
> Please provide us with some more data to work with.


Bedroom has been fairly regular and good for the most part....she does contact me during the day more than she used to...she is on the road day trips for her current job....


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Scott1973 said:


> What does PUA trick mean?
> She was married before and had an affair on her previous husband 17 years ago...*her husband was not nice to her apparently*.


:lol::rofl:

And if you end up divorcing you will have 'not been nice' to her.

Have you verified that her x was not nice to her. Because it is never the cheaters fault that they made a 'mistake'

Hopefully you can get this sorted out because if she cheated in the last hubby and cheated on you you have problems.


----------



## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Scott1973 said:


> Bedroom has been fairly regular and good for the most part....she does contact me during the day more than she used to...she is on the road day trips for her current job....


If she is on the road, thats not good.ample opportunities to slip later when the dust settles. I dont think a job change is required, after all if she wants to cheat, she can do it at home too. But you would need to take special steps to affair proof your M. Anyways, we are far from that right now. 

Let us know how she responds to putting the affair on paper on timeline. Make her list down details like how many times, what time of day, what was said, what was done, etc.


----------



## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

First, congrats on getting the facts from her even before getting a VAR. That is an impossible task. I wish I had that skill to get the truth out of my WW.

Then, probably you made a haste in telling her about the VAR. You alerted her, and you didn't get any worthwhile information. That VAR could have been used for a much better purpose.

I agree with all other posters. She didn't stop at the kisses, as she didn't have any reason to. They had wish, time and place. They did it, mostly multiple time.

Don't try to understand her - I guess we men cannot judge a woman by her behavior or words. Just analyze the data that you have, and draw your conclusion.

You are in for a big shock. take care. (And BTW, I don't think it is a full-stop. It is just a semicolon.)


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Scott1973 said:


> What does PUA trick mean?
> She was married before and had an affair on her previous husband 17 years ago...her husband was not nice to her apparently.


Pickup Artist. Maybe her ex husband was and maybe he was not. No excuse for an affair IMO. This makes her a serial cheater. With an affair there is often history writing but for sure rationalization.

You said you were having marriage problems. So perhaps this is how she deals with this.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Scott1973 said:


> What does PUA trick mean?
> She was married before and had an affair on her previous husband 17 years ago...her husband was not nice to her apparently.


Darn! She's an experienced cheater and is still doing it.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

aug said:


> Darn! She's an experienced cheater and is still doing it.


Yep--a very, very bad sign. That clinches it--she is almost surely lying and it is extremely hard to believe it wasn't physical.

Serial cheaters are unfortunately in a class of their own.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

They very certainly had sex. Him telling her about her being naked at his place and her buying lingerie for him are clear tips offs. Add in the fact that she has cheated before, so you know she is more than capable and willing to do it.

They weren't in an EA, they were in a PA that was taking off and growing. 

1. Book and have her take the poly.
2. Contact the OMW and let her know. (do not tell your wife you are doing this before or after! IF she's still in contact with him, you'll find out)
3. Stop revealing your sources. 
4. Look in her car for a burner phone.
5. oh, and that lingerie she bought for him - I'd throw it in the trash. It wasn't for you and she shouldn't have it around.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Scott1973 said:


> What does PUA trick mean?
> She was married before and had an affair on her previous husband 17 years ago...her husband was not nice to her apparently.


 

Oh. Yeah, he was real bad, he etc., etc., etc.

Now you tell us she had previous history as a cheater, oh, dear.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Don't dwell on issues like the unavailability of "time'. There are huge red flags. Besides, they could place a "back in an hour" sign on the front door - finding times and places are no challenges for cheaters. Not one bit. 

You've been given objective opinions from people who have gone to hell and back. We have no dog in this race. Your wife does.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

So you married a cheater who says she cheated on her previous husband because he was not "nice" to her?

Now she has a job that requires over night trips?

Good luck buddy.


----------



## Scott1973 (Mar 26, 2011)

TDSC60 said:


> So you married a cheater who says she cheated on her previous husband because he was not "nice" to her?
> 
> Now she has a job that requires over night trips?
> 
> Good luck buddy.


She does not work over night, she is in sales and does day trips....she is home every night.


Talked to wife about it some more..
In the conversation we had last night, I asked her how it started...She said -They would talk in the office first about his dog, then his daughter and eventually his marriage problems...this was going on here and there for a couple of months. One day after work she went up to him in the parking lot and said "she had feelings for him" ...he said "okay" and left for the day. The next day they talked about it and he told her that he never had an affair on his wife and was not about to start...but that they could keep talking..


----------



## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

:liar: 

She is feeding you lies.


----------



## Scott1973 (Mar 26, 2011)

Silverlining said:


> :liar:
> 
> She is feeding you lies.


She very well might be, things have been good for the last few months, I wonder if I should just leave it be...there truly is no real way of finding out 100% at this point ....is there?
I am thinking I should continue down the recent path with her...with the awareness that this could happen again with another man. I don't think it will though as she has changed for the better and so have I....

My main reason for coming on here was to vent....and reveal some doubts that I had about the original story.


----------



## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

She has pacified you. 

You need to verify her story.

1. Schedule a polygraph.
2. Contact OMW immediately
3. Plant a VAR 

Cheaters are liars!!!


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Scott1973 said:


> She does not work over night, she is in sales and does day trips....she is home every night.
> 
> 
> Talked to wife about it some more..
> In the conversation we had last night, I asked her how it started...She said -They would talk in the office first about his dog, then his daughter and eventually his marriage problems...this was going on here and there for a couple of months. *One day after work she went up to him in the parking lot and said "she had feelings for him"* ...he said "okay" and left for the day. The next day they talked about it and he told her that he never had an affair on his wife and was not about to start...but that they could keep talking..


She has a track record of cheating and justifying it.

She starts down the road ago by her own admission and the only reason it did not go PA (I have my doubts about that) was because the OM tuned her down. Don't buy that crap about "they discussed a PA and both decided against it". He turned her down and she was more than willing.

With her history, you are going to have to be a detective for as long as you are married.


----------



## Alpha2012 (Nov 24, 2012)

Why does it matter to you so much whether they had sex or not? The fact that matters is that she was once not honest with you. She lied to you. There is no small or big lie. Lie is a lie. Even if there was not sex, there was some intimate talk. Even if there was not sex yet, there was for sure going to be had you not found out about it so soon. She is trying and possibly regretting it. I do believe that everyone deserves a second chance if they can prove, with actions, that they are truly sorry. If you are convinced, beyond a reasonable doubt, that she has absolutely no feelings for her ex-boss, whatsoever, I would just call it a temporary phase, save my marriage and learn from it. It is possible that this may make your marriage even stronger by her realizing that she was just an inch away of losing you. Although, I would continue to be cautious. But don't let it become an obssession of yours. Or you can just call it a day, try to forget it and move on together. Good luck


----------



## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

_The next day they talked about it and he told her that he never had an affair on his wife and was not about to start...but that they could keep talking..
_
So why the need for this kinda talk then


*She also told me that they discussed a physical relationship but would not allow it to go there because "too many people would be hurt"* 

And then this.How to you get to this part.If see what was said a-bow. Did the assume this was less hurt less?


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Scott1973 said:


> She very well might be, things have been good for the last few months, I wonder if I should just leave it be...there truly is no real way of finding out 100% at this point ....is there?
> I am thinking I should continue down the recent path with her...with the awareness that this could happen again with another man. I don't think it will though as she has changed for the better and so have I....
> 
> My main reason for coming on here was to vent....and reveal some doubts that I had about the original story.


You could take her for a polygraph test. You might just get the answeres on the way there.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Did she explain to your satisfaction:
1. The late night phone call from OM? The call places suspicion on his supposed reluctance to advance the affair.

2. The purpose and use of the risque lingerie?

Don't be in a rush to let this pass. It was/is a serious threat.


----------

