# emotionally cheating (or worse)



## workOnUs (Feb 28, 2011)

I dont really know how to start this. 
I've been reading alot of stories and advice on here but I feel like I need to let off some steam, this seems like a good way to do just that and get some good advice/feedback also.

Here's a little background. We've been married for eight years with two children, (three and seven) that are very important to both of us.
We work different hours, I'm at work about five thirty and she doesnt start until noon and is off at ten thirty.

My wife has worked full time and gone to school full time for quite a while now so the social scene has been non existant. 
Her school load has gotten much lighter and has begun to be a bit more social with some friends at work. 
I'm not real fond of the people she works with as they seem to have little to no morals, its like highschool, everyone seems to be sleeping around. 
A few months back she started talking about a "friend" at work, he's funny, and easy to talk to, likes some of the same things she does but is five years or so younger (he's married also).
it was to the point that I asked her to please stop talking about him. 
On valentines day I left work early and made it down to her work in time for her to take her lunch with flowers, a card and a stuffed animal for her, after I got home I promply cleaned the house and helped my oldest with homework, made dinner and played with the little one (as I do M-F).
I normally dont wait up for her but I figured it a special day so I would, she wasnt expecting me to be awake but at about nine thirty I recieved a text stating she would not be home directly after work, her friends were going to go out and have a drink. I didnt mind to much after all she didnt know I was waiting up.
So I go to bed, two in the morning rolls around and she's not home yet so I call her with no answer, then I send a text, again with no reply. Finally at three thirty she comes home hammered, I get upset and tell her that was not ok and insisted she tell me where she was, last call is at two forty five, her reply? at a friends house, I finally pried it out of her and she was at the married guys house drinking there but she said it was ok because it wasnt like they were alone, some of her other friends were there to.
The next day I wait up for her to get home from work and calmly tell her that its not appropriet for a married wonam to do things like that, I tried to have her reverse the roles to se how she would have reacted... she didnt see anything wrong with it and still to this day says she did nothing wrong except drink to much. 

A few days ago she called and asked if after work she and some of her friends go to her "friends" house and watch a movie? I give her he!! and she gets upset and says she is coming home because its apparent that I dont want her to have any friends, so she wont go out with anyone ever again.

I have never delt with this in my life, the feelings that I have now are so strong, so hateful and angry that I cant sleep nor eat. its effecting my work, the way I deal with the children and the way I look at her.

What to do, advice is welcome.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I agree completely that a married person should never spend so much time with a member of the opposite sex. I bought the "just friends" gig for 8 months. Her "friend" was several states away, or it would have definitely moved from an EA (emotional affair) to a PA (physical affair). I am right in the middle of dealing with mine, so I don't have much advice. However, there are several here with very good advice. I am knew here (a couple of weeks) and have learned very much already. I would say, from my experience and what I have gleaned from others here, that she is definitely having an emotional affair. To me, that is even more painful than a PA. Look at affaircare.com, marriage builders.com, buy Surviving an Affair (I'm reading it now). We also have small kids at home (7,8,and 10). It's certainly not a fun situation to be in, but you can find support here. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have the support I have found here.


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

It appears that she is having an affair.
So sorry if that is true.
The best way to discover it....is by NOT asking or confronting (they never admit it).
You need to turn into a PI for a bit.
Install a keylogger on her comp.
Look thru all emails (sent, fowarded and deleted).
Obtain the cell phone records.
Put a voice activated recorder under her car seat.
Install GPS on her car.
This should not be too difficult as you are an IT man, and work different shifts.

Also....have a friend follow her home at 10:30 from work.

MOST people have affairs in secret.
They take long lunches, take days off, leave work early to be with their affair partner. We are usually shocked at discovery.
The red flags are there my friend.
I would say that this affair is in full swing right now.

Do NOT confront her.....SHE WILL DENY!


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

Oh, and the affair partner is likely this 'funny' guy.

When I discovered my STBX's affair.....her first description was 'he made me laugh'. Basically, that means he is putting on a show, performing, and paying attention.

You mentioned this was months ago....then later coming home late...and now wanting more time!

Do NOT let her know you are on to her.
If you do, your investigation will go down the tubes.
She will delete messages and take the affair underground.

If you wish....send me a PM......I will call the FUNNY man and scare the **** out of him.


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## kristinlloyd (Apr 22, 2010)

I agree with HurtinginTN about married people frolicking as friends with the opposite sex. Platonic is one thing, but going to the guy's house to watch a movie?? That doesn't sound platonic. I also agree that marriage builders.com is a good website and Dr. Harley's His Needs, Her Needs is a good read for this kind of stuff. However, it seems that she has started to be social without you. Is there any reason why she wouldn't include you? This might be something you could ask her. It makes sense not to include you if she has some "feelings" for this married guy, but instead of her assuming you don't want her to have friends, maybe you could add that you would like to be included in her social activities since you two are married. 
Also, if she is not responsive to the "put yourself in my shoes" line then there seems to be something else going on. If she were to look at it from your point of view and she wants to work on your marriage/relationship, then it only seems obvious that she would understand where you are coming from. But if there is something else going on in her mind regarding her emotions, and she has a questionable doubt, it's a good thing to discuss what is happening with her feelings and emotions. It's also a good idea to discuss your relationship and what she wants from the marriage versus what she wants from the allegedly "platonic" friendship that she's been seeking.
Also, work on "I" statements when talking with her and describe your feelings to her about what you are going through. If you get angry with her and she gets defensive, she might see you as the enemy and pull away more. If you want to work it out, get her to sit down and talk about things, no matter how badly they may hurt you to hear it, it might help you both figure things out. 
I wish you the best!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Investigate her actions.

Face it you need to know why your Valintine didn't hurry home and jump in bed with you. even if you were sleeping...for cryin out loud it was V-Day!

Your gut is telling you to quitly investigate her and find the truth. You should protect yours self from deceit,STD's, and finacial ruin.

If her behavior just started there may be time to catch her and pull her out of the fog before its to to late. So don't wait...get the tools you need to prove us wrong.

Vice activated recorders under her car seat, keyloggers, cell phone statements, GPS, There are many things you can use to validate her loyalty.


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## workOnUs (Feb 28, 2011)

I appreciate all the advice, I installed data monitoring software a few weeks ago both on her laptop as well as her cell, wich includes GPS. 
Going through the logs I find nothing, but having the software installed is making me crazy, I find myself constantly searching for something then when there is nothing I get even more upset.
I spoke to my step father about this, he has alot more experience in this situation than I do, My mother is his fourth marrage, two others have ended due to PA's and knows what I'm going through and I value his advice.

Here is his advice to me "take the high road, I should work on being the best man I can be for me and hopefully she will follow and realize that she was wrong, he advised me to remove the software because I am becoming obsessed, which I am, I need to work on me first and seek help from someone that has experience in these matters", he says she is going to do what she is going to do no matter what I say.
I have already let her know that I believe she is being unfathful, which she denies (I'm not shocked), I gave her some boundries that I feel are safe, Not going to her "friends" house is one of them. 
and she pushed back by going to an extreme "I wont ever go out with anyone". 

She has had emotional issues since she was 16, there is a history of cheating with her already, when I met her she was engaged to be married, she purchased a house with him, had cars and credit cards, etc... 
I was a new and exciting person to her dull relationsship and broke it off with him, we were married two years later.
I have spoken with a counselor yesterday just because I need someone to talk to about this that is trained and not bias. 
Thats all I have time to write at the moment. 
Thanks again everyone. I will update as things progress.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You have to give her the choice. Don't control her. Don't let her call you for "permission" to go out. Here's the type of response you should give.

Dear, I don't believe a married couple should have independent social lives. Your relationship with X is inappropriate. You as a mother to our children socializing as a single person is inappropriate. You can decide if you want to be my wife and our kids mom or choose the single life. Let me know which you choose.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

the guy said:


> *Vice* activated recorders under her car seat, keyloggers, cell phone statements, GPS, There are many things you can use to validate her loyalty.


Am I the only one who chuckled at this?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

workOnUs said:


> there is a history of cheating with her already, when I met her she was engaged to be married,


Am I the only one who chuckled at this?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

voice stress analyzers, UV lamps to test for semen, polygraphs. You can go nuts with this stuff.


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