# Trying to Stop Wife Before She Decides to Cheat.



## MrZer0 (Mar 5, 2017)

Currently married to W of 7 years. Don’t fight basically ever, but our high-demand jobs are stressful and things since our 3 year old was born have been taxing. We went from a very sexual, affectionate marriage to one that lacked both. Mostly, I held back because she had issues with sex after childbirth and it wasn’t that enjoyable for her. I didn’t want her to feel pressured so I dialed back my sexual aggressiveness towards her. Eventually, this led to a pattern of her being more of a roommate than a wife. She works nights, I work days, and when she does sleep at home on her off days, she sleeps in the kids bed. 

Eventually, I realized that I needed to share my feelings for her and that was more important than being a nice guy and not “pressuring” her into sex. I have made a lot of efforts to revitalize our marriage and sex life to what it was before our kid came along. She has stated that she approves of these steps, and wants me to keep it going. After working on this for a while though, I had noticed it was not really reciprocated. She showed no real affection back, no increased sexual desire, and no compliments/comments about me similar to what I shower on her. She was absorbing all of my attention/affection but not doing much in return. I chalked this up to her needing time to get back into the groove of things. 

However, one day I noticed a message on her iPad from her best friend that indicated that her friend had cheated on her husband. I feel bad, but this prompted me to make the decision to read through her recent conversations with her best friend and discovered that her friend had been going on for months about how bad her sex life was and that she was longing to sleep with someone else and that she convinced her husband to have a three-way with another man in order to sleep with someone else. What her friend confessed to my wife was that her friend had slept with the three-way dude before and after the allowed, consensual three-way with her husband, which was now turning into a straight-up affair without the husband’s knowledge. 

I didn’t care about her friend, but I was shocked at my wife’s reaction in basically trying to empathize with and relate to her best friend by saying that she understood her decisions, she had no judgment, and that my wife actually had eye-candy at work and discussed the steps she would need to take to actually cheat on me (but hadn’t done yet). My wife has told this friend that she feels conflicted about the attention she’s receiving from the men at work (which only involves basic flirting and looking cute at work) compared to my efforts to revitalize our marriage. She even told her friend about plans for us to have another kid in a few months right before she started talking about her lust for one or two of her co-workers. I seriously have no idea which direction she will go right now.

I’m worried that in an attempt to relate with her best friend, she’s getting these thoughts and ideas in her head about cheating that may not otherwise be so front-and-center. I know my wife is her own person, but when all she’s hearing about daily is how her best friend is having this “exciting” life and having great sex now, I worry she’ll want to go down that road too. 

So now I’m coyly trying to get her to spill the beans on her friend’s issues in the slightest so I can open the door and start talking about it, but she has kept all of those details secret from me. I’ve kept up my efforts to be a great husband and show affection and improve our sex life as best as I can, but you can only do so much by yourself. Telling her I read her private messages would likely cause as much, if not more, damage than her behaviors have so far. 

I guess I’m trying to figure out how to steer her away from temptation and her toxic best friend and back towards her family before she makes a decision she can't turn back from.


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## Kim C (Jun 9, 2014)

How about an unexpected visit to her office. Drop in with flowers and see how she reacts. I would think it's harder for someone to take the leap once they met the spouse. 
I would also let her know that you feel like your efforts are not being reciprocated and ask her if everything's ok or does she thinks you guys should go and talk to a marriage councilor. It's hard after having a baby - maybe shes just exhausted and overwhelmed. I know I was. It wasn't until my child was in school on a normal M-F full day schedule did I start to really recover. 
It's worth the conversation because if she does cheat - you will never recover. 

Good luck


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Back everything up and confront.

Draw your line in the sand, and tell her that the bullsh*t ends or your marriage ends.

The toxic friend needs to go. I'd also expose her affair to her betrayed husband.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By Mr. Zer0*
> my wife actually had eye-candy at work and discussed the steps she would need to take to actually cheat on me
> she started talking about her lust for one or two of her co-workers.



Get a consultation from an attorney (sometimes the first is free). Have the attorney give you a letter that you have discussed divorce with him/her. With cold steely eyes give this letter to your wife and tell her that you know about her discussions on how she could cheat on you and the lust that she has for her co-workers. Tell her to do not even try the mad act because you found out because you looked at her iPad. Looking at her iPad is a misdemeanor but her actions are like a felony, talking and planning a murder of your marriage.

You have to let your wife know that you are not about to become some door mat that will share his wife with another man.* Be ready and brave enough to follow through with your threats in case your wife tries to make excuses or soft peddle her dangerous actions or does not make you totally and solely her number one man. A wife that wants another man outside of marriage is not worthy to be married to her husband*. Such a woman is a person that puts her lust and selfishness before her husband and child. She can try and spin it anyway she wants but her betrayal will harm her child.

No compromising. Either she makes a permanent 180 turnaround and proves that with actions or you get out of the marriage now before you are in too deep and it will cost you LOT more than right now.


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## MrZer0 (Mar 5, 2017)

Kim C said:


> How about an unexpected visit to her office. Drop in with flowers and see how she reacts. I would think it's harder for someone to take the leap once they met the spouse.
> I would also let her know that you feel like your efforts are not being reciprocated and ask her if everything's ok or does she thinks you guys should go and talk to a marriage councilor. It's hard after having a baby - maybe shes just exhausted and overwhelmed. I know I was. It wasn't until my child was in school on a normal M-F full day schedule did I start to really recover.
> It's worth the conversation because if she does cheat - you will never recover.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the advice. Unfortunately I work days and she works nights and we have a 3-year old at home that I can't leave (obviously) to go to her work. One of the steps she mentioned she would need to do to cheat is to go out with the other office guys socially after work for diner breakfasts that they keep inviting her to. I've already told her I'd LOVE to come along to those in order to dampen that. Fortunately right now she prefers sleep to the other guys so far. 

Part of me hopes that her comments to her friends are just big-game talking and she has no real intention of doing anything. I was hoping the kid thing would resolve our lives once he gets old enough but her wanting another kid shortly means we'd be resetting the whole process to start all over again.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Back everything up and confront.
> 
> Draw your line in the sand, and tell her that the bullsh*t ends or your marriage ends.
> 
> The toxic friend needs to go. I'd also expose her affair to her betrayed husband.


This

You're overthinking way too much here. It's really not that complicated.


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## Voltaire2013 (Sep 22, 2013)

Step one, job change for her to days, it's unhealthy for your marriage. It's hard to maintain a healthy relationship if you never see each other.
It's also gives a temporary reprieve on work 'temptations'. 

Work on this first, there's plenty to do after but this IMO should come first.

Cheers,
V(13)


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## Kim C (Jun 9, 2014)

MrZer0 said:


> Thank you for the advice. Unfortunately I work days and she works nights and we have a 3-year old at home that I can't leave (obviously) to go to her work. One of the steps she mentioned she would need to do to cheat is to go out with the other office guys socially after work for diner breakfasts that they keep inviting her to. I've already told her I'd LOVE to come along to those in order to dampen that. Fortunately right now she prefers sleep to the other guys so far.
> 
> 
> 
> Part of me hopes that her comments to her friends are just big-game talking and she has no real intention of doing anything. I was hoping the kid thing would resolve our lives once he gets old enough but her wanting another kid shortly means we'd be resetting the whole process to start all over again.




You don't have family or a friend that could stay with the baby for a couple of hours? 

Most women don't talk game. If we do, our spouse would know that our friend is having an affair and that's what we are doing to get the intel. 

2nd child is much easier than the first because you now know what to expect. That being said, I wouldn't have another child until you were both happy. My friend had a baby in an attempt to save her marriage. They separated a week after the baby was born. 





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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

This is where today's modern man falls.

Your wife is thinking about/wanting to bang other men.

Your wife has you running and jumping through hoops to try and freshen up the marriage and apparently she "approves".

Your wife has a friend actively banging another dude as well as banging this dude with her husband..and your wife approves.

You know your wife wants to bang another man and yet you "coyly" want to tip toe around the subject and ask her politely if she's planning on cheating.

Not to mention she wants to (without even consulting you) to bring another child into the world.

So by your own words, you're merely a provider as well as a sperm donor.

No advice needs to be given because as a man if you can't see and correct what's wrong then that's on you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Come straight out. There's no privacy to cheat in a marriage. You're playing games while the house is on fire for gods sake. This isn't high school.

Why are you affraid? You are acting doormatish. Cmon man!!!!!


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## old red (Jul 26, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Back everything up and confront.
> 
> Draw your line in the sand, and tell her that the bullsh*t ends or your marriage ends.
> 
> The toxic friend needs to go. I'd also expose her affair to her betrayed husband.


Well, I don't have any experience with infidelity, but the quote above is spot on. How can you even want to be with a person who exhibits such a disgusting lack of morals. You would be better off alone. Seriously, your wife is empathizing with a callous, adulterous *****. How can you keep your respect and love for her? I would tell her that you read her replies and that you are disgusted by her responses. I would also tell her that she needs to fix herself or get the **** out. Stop your efforts, too. It's time for your wife to step up, but only after you have put the spotlight on her foul and disrespectful behaviour. She doesn't deserve your patient and loving efforts to fix things. You are a better man than me, as I reckon that once I had read the part about her being conflicted, I would have gone absolutely ape-**** - I have in my own life over far, far less.


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## old red (Jul 26, 2014)

surfing808 said:


> This is a complicated situation. I have been in this situation before and trust me it wasn't easy dealing with it. But I am going to share with you a few things that I know. Like I said before, your wife thinking/wanting to cheat is complicated to me. There are three scenarios involved here,
> 1- She really is cheating on you (without your consent)
> 2- She's thinking about it but she's not sure yet (vulnerable positions because all she needs here is motivation)
> 3- She's neither thinking nor planning to cheat on you.
> ...


But then again, what this poster says is good too, if it's legal, and if you think that your wife is already cheating. Your wife's written words would be enough for me to lose my attraction for her. I wish you the very best and I am very sorry about your situation.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Just give her what she wants. Go file divorce papers. 

You're living like roommates. She sleeps in the kids' bedroom. She's friends with a pretty serious cheater who tricked her husband in a cruel way to get what she wanted. I'd be tempted to tell him his wife played him for a total sap. She's flirting at work... If she says she had her eyes set on candy, you can believe she's been flirting at the very least. 

People's choice of friends tell you a lot about their character and values. It's too bad that you both have disconnected so badly, but it takes 100% effort from both (not just one) to try and set it right. 

You don't even have a marriage. There's hardly any companionship. I don't know about you, but I can think of a million reasons I'd just rather be alone with my kids part time and show them life can be happier, even when parents split, than stay in a loveless relationship where they'll learn that roommate status is what a marriage really is.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

At this stage having another child with her would be a disaster.

You could tell her friend's husband.

Set up a mail.com account under an assumed name and send him the details.

You can pretend it is coming from the SO of her friend's AP, for example.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I am a believer in upfront, open dialog therefore I would make the time to have a conversation with her. I believe this should be done post haste. In the conversation I would, without revealing your source, tell her that you know about her friend, you know about her thoughts to cheat and her "what she needs to do" to accomplish it list. Tell her you are a man of honor and that you also care about her honor so instead of allowing her to sully her integrity you are willing to do the right thing and D her so she can pursue her "dreams". If she asks how you know simply say that you know. If she accuses you of going through her iPad simply respond "you mean OUR iPad?".

Explain to her that in marriage there is no my or I, there is only our and we and that her "secret desire" has no place in this relationship. Also tell her that the lack of intimacy, emotional bonding and neglect is destroying the union and you can not bear to see it so you initiated and implemented a "reset" plan in an attempt to bring back what is now absent. Explain to her that you have not seen sufficient response from her to believe that she wants the feelings to return and now, with this new revelation, you can see where this is heading.

Inform her that you will contact an attorney and start the process in order to preserve her honor and to save you a great deal of pain and heartache. Explain to her that the pain of losing her will be significant but that the pain of her betrayal and subsequent D would be much more so. Throughout this conversation you must be confident and stoic, not showing undue emotion and she must know, in no uncertain terms, that you are deadly serious and fully intend on proceeding. Explain that she is not the person you believed her to be and that you have apparently misplaced your trust believing her to be a person of honor and integrity when she clearly is not.

If she asks what she has done thus far to besmirch her honor simply explain to her that the character of one's friends denotes the character of the person and that by condoning and accepting her friends betrayal of her H she is showing the caliber of person she is. Ask her how a true friend allows their friend to destroy their honor, sully their word, betray their life partner emotionally and physically and perhaps condemning their H or W by possibly introducing a deadly disease without their knowledge. Tell her with friends like that there is no need for enemies.

It is obvious that your wife is operating from a position of compromised cognitive ability and it is problematic how she will respond to this conversation so be prepared for either eventuality. She will either agree with you, capitulate and plead for a chance to reform or she will buck up, defend her position and discount your concerns. If the former happens then you can proceed accordingly however if the latter is her response then you must be ready and willing to proceed with the D. If the latter is an expression of her true feelings then you have little option but to let her go because, in true reality, she is gone already and you will just be forestalling the inevitable thinking that you can save what is not salvageable. The end result will be the same but the toll will be on you in the form of additional pain.

The reality is that she has already betrayed you mentally, do you wish to experience it physically as well? Trust me you do not. I regret your having to deal with this but unfortunately it is your reality. Make a stand now and deal from a position of strength, do not wait until she cheats and your emotions are in turmoil to make the necessary decisions. I wish you well.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Straight forward like Gus Polinski and no choice have suggested is the correct way. Visiting her workplace for lunch with flowers is a good idea. No babysitter, no problem, bring your daughter with and say she wanted to tell mommy she loves her. Then maybe whisper in your wife's ear that she wanted to see the eye candy. This should get a horrorifying look from your wife. Ask her to go to lunch then if she won't introduce you to them. Then walk out and turn your phone off. 

Do not make any contact at all, leave her to her head spinning. When your wife gets home, be ready for work, as soon as she comes through the door te her you were called into work early and leave. Again leave her with her head spinning, but be sure you can access your wife's iPad the following morning. I guarantee you your wife will have a very good conversation with the toxic friend that could tell you very much. 

Also call your wife's toxic friends husband and make him aware. Tell him your wife agreed that said toxic friend should have her fun, this will ensure that both you and toxic friends husband won't want the wives to be friends. Tell the husband you have the information backed up if he needs any of it. This will also make your toxic friend call your wife. 

What you need is shock value, nice guy doesn't work. If you shock your wife enough and she sees toxic friends life blow up she may not want to enter an affair now. Perhaps I sound cruel to you, I assure you I'm not cruel, but this needs to blow up in your wife's face. 

When you come home from work your wife may want to talk. Talk to her, tell her how you know a guy who is very in love with his wife. That love is not reciprocated back to him. Tell her how this guy feels, but you would never condone an affair under any circumstances. Then tell her this guys story is you, and now you know that eye candy at work is why she can't reciprocate. Tell her your boundaries, that you feel they can't be crossed, and if they are swift and decisive action will result. 

Best of luck to you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

No beta bull****. The other guy went that route and look what it netted him: a "Devil's threesome", a cheating wife, and, before too long, children that look nothing at all like him.

Get out in front of this, and do it NOW.

And if she gives you any "invading her privacy" bull****, stop her dead in her tracks and point out that she's on the cusp of inviting others to invade your marriage, home, and family.

Bull**** over.

New job.

Toxic friend gone.

Affair exposed.

OR divorce.

Oh, and the night shift crap needs to be over as well.

You can't expect to have a decent marriage if you're not spending quality time together, and roommates trading off kid duty doesn't really qualify.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I was where you were for a long time. My wife wasn't "ready" after childbirth, so I stopped initiating, believing that someday she'd come to me and tell me when she was. In the meantime, I showered her with compliments, earned good money, and was an all-around nice guy. None of it was reciprocated even though I needed some words of affection to make up for the shortfall in physical affection. Finally, one day I had a tearful breakdown where I asked her why we couldn't make love and why she wasn't interested in me. Why wasn't I her "Prince Charming"? She patted my arm, assured me that I was and that she would work on it. She was even going to talk to her gynecologist about it.

That conversation was followed by a sexual drought that was even longer than the first. But I still believed someday that she'd be "ready". Then I started having the sleepless nights, wondering what was so wrong with me. What did other men do that made them deserve the things I couldn't have? I had told her how important it was to me, and she had basically ignored it. Not only had she failed as a wife, she'd failed as a friend.

Finally I gave up. I just accepted that we were never going to make love again. So one day I told her this. I told her that I'd always stay with her (we have kids and are good friends), but I was just looking for the reason why she wasn't interested in me. I told her she had to finally be honest with me. She insisted that nothing was wrong and that we could work on it. I told her not to bother--again, I'd already given up and at this point I just wanted to know the reason. She broke into tears and fell her knees and said we could work on it. No thanks. Having sex with me under duress doesn't count anyway. Begging me to believe her that she'd always wanted me, blah blah. I told her that it was too late now, and I'd never really be convinced. Excuses about her strict Catholic mother, blah blah. 

Long story short, we make love on a regular basis now and it has improved our emotional relationship in a way I never expected. But to be honest, it still doesn't "count" to some extent. It's permanently tainted. It was supposed to be a mutual thing. I deserved to be desired without having to force the issue. But things are still much better. And I assert myself now in a way I didn't before. I'll tell her when I'm angry. I think before I was tiptoeing around her, hoping that my niceness would finally make her "ready". What a joke.

So what I did learn is that being the "nice guy" and waiting around for your wife's affection just doesn't work. Women don't have a lot of respect for the "nice guy" and that translates into a lack of physical interest. Assert your position and stand your ground. Let her know that you have no desire to have another child with a woman who appears to have little interest in even being a wife. She needs to face the specter of losing you to appreciate what she has.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

BobSimmons said:


> This is where today's modern man falls.
> 
> Y*our wife is thinking about/wanting to bang other men.
> 
> ...


*

*

OP,

The title of your thread should be "Wife Is Already cheating On me". Now please read the above from another poster. This is the narrative that too many men fall into these days and why they to their own mental destruction continue to play ostrich. And everything your wife and most women read in everything aimed at them is that this is all ok if it makes them happy and that men just need to suck it up. They are told repeatedly in all the womens magazines, TV shows, and all social media that affairs are fun and glamorous and just do it iof it makes you happy,.

So lets recap here. You have documented evidence not only that her great girlfriends is banging other men and her husband has said its Ok, and your wife is putting her head together with this person trying to figure out the best way to do it herself. my friend, she is already cheating, just has not found the penis to hop on yet or the time to do it.

Just my opinion. But you now know how she will attempt to fol you, which is by telling you she is going out with co workers. Worst thing you can do is show up at her work with or without child because all that does is alert her that you are on to something.

What you really have to decide is if you want to try to stop this and snap hero out of it, or if you want to wait until she actually bangs another man. You are not in any court of law so you do not need "proof" that you can present a judge unless you are in a state that infidelity impacts divorce. I can almost guarantee you that if you sit on your hands here, you are going to kick yourself in the ass once you actually do know she did it because you made no attempt to get in front of it.

My recommendation is you CONFRONT aggressively and with consequences if it continues. I believe you hacked her e mail or found these conversations with girlfriends some other way. This friend has to go IMMEDIATELY . NO NEGOTIATION.
Her reaction is going to be anger at you for daring to invade her privacy to plan banging other men.

If you want to go the route of playing dumb, get a VAR in her car asap, and there is no doubt she will share with girlfriend when it will happen and when she is going to lie to you about going out with work colleagues. She is obviously flirting with someone at work and you can bet your bottom dollar he will be there or with her alone. And this idiot friend of hers will either be cover or an alibi.

Now you can use your child as an excuse not to do anything or whatever you want. You wanted advice on how to stop your wife from cheating. You can't do that but you sure as hell can make sure when she does it you have divorce papers ready for her.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

drifting on said:


> straight forward like gus polinski and no choice have suggested is the correct way. Visiting her workplace for lunch with flowers is a good idea. No babysitter, no problem, *bring your daughter with* and say she wanted to tell mommy she loves her. *then maybe whisper in your wife's ear that she wanted to see the eye candy.* this should get a horrorifying look from your wife. Ask her to go to lunch then if she won't introduce you to them. Then walk out and turn your phone off.
> 
> Do not make any contact at all, leave her to her head spinning. When your wife gets home, be ready for work, as soon as she comes through the door te her you were called into work early and leave. Again leave her with her head spinning, but be sure you can access your wife's ipad the following morning. I guarantee you your wife will have a very good conversation with the toxic friend that could tell you very much.
> 
> ...


>

this!!!


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> I guess I’m trying to figure out how to steer her away from temptation and her toxic best friend and back towards her family before she makes a decision she can't turn back from.


 

This is not your marriage at stake. It's your life. It's you children's lives at stake. Your wife isn't interested in you. She can be again, but it's her choice, not yours. She needs to be told what the consequences will be. 

Do not confront and wimp out. Make up your mind that if you are going to say the word divorce, you will do it. No problems for you. You know you will be fine. 

It's her choice what she wants to do.

Period.

Gus was more terse than Mr. B. 

This is what you do, ASAP. 

Remember, it isn't luck. It's actions that will help you. 





Mr Blunt said:


> Get a consultation from an attorney (sometimes the first is free). Have the attorney give you a letter that you have discussed divorce with him/her. With cold steely eyes give this letter to your wife and tell her that you know about her discussions on how she could cheat on you and the lust that she has for her co-workers. Tell her to do not even try the mad act because you found out because you looked at her iPad. Looking at her iPad is a misdemeanor but her actions are like a felony, talking and planning a murder of your marriage.
> 
> You have to let your wife know that you are not about to become some door mat that will share his wife with another man.* Be ready and brave enough to follow through with your threats in case your wife tries to make excuses or soft peddle her dangerous actions or does not make you totally and solely her number one man. A wife that wants another man outside of marriage is not worthy to be married to her husband*. Such a woman is a person that puts her lust and selfishness before her husband and child. She can try and spin it anyway she wants but her betrayal will harm her child.
> 
> No compromising. Either she makes a permanent 180 turnaround and proves that with actions or you get out of the marriage now before you are in too deep and it will cost you LOT more than right now.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

BobSimmons said:


> This is where today's modern man falls.
> 
> Your wife is thinking about/wanting to bang other men.
> 
> ...


YES!

Where are the women on Bob's post? Why do I not see a bunch of likes from the "X" genetic sector here? Why not, Dearies?

Are you sitting in your comfy clothes, your feet in bunny slippers, grinning from ear to ear at the plight of this poor OP?

I am pulling your hair, in jest. Just in case you are dozing off!

Modern men have been tamed by women. This may stop World Wars, but not the "War of the Roses".

Women hate passive men. Passive men tamp down War.....but ramp up the desire/need in women for the few remaining Bulls in the pasture.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

MrZer0 said:


> I didn’t care about her friend, but I was shocked at my wife’s reaction in basically trying to empathize with and relate to her best friend by saying that she understood her decisions, she had no judgment, and that my wife actually had eye-candy at work and discussed the steps she would need to take to actually cheat on me (but hadn’t done yet). My wife has told this friend that she feels conflicted about the attention she’s receiving from the men at work (which only involves basic flirting and looking cute at work) compared to my efforts to revitalize our marriage. She even told her friend about plans for us to have another kid in a few months right before she started talking about her lust for one or two of her co-workers. I seriously have no idea which direction she will go right now.


Well, do you want a divorce? If so, just talk to a lawyer, see what rules apply in your state, hire a PI and wait for her to cheat. It doesn't sound like this is what you want to do. You have the proof of the conversation and to think it is just "big talk" and hold out hope is blatantly ridiculous. You admit you both were sidetracked, you put in the effort and she is now conflicted. So, you may be one of the lucky guys whose wife hasn't fallen out of love yet, but you want to see what happens.

The Ipad was all the proof you need. I'd have marched right in, made the boundaries known and told her another kid is off the table. Then I'd go buy a pack of condoms and keep them on the nightstand. Trust has been broken and you do not need another child in this mess.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Back everything up and confront.
> 
> Draw your line in the sand, and tell her that the bullsh*t ends or your marriage ends.
> 
> The toxic friend needs to go. I'd also expose her affair to her betrayed husband.


This is the only way to handle it.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I know you will screw this up by your post. Sorry but I've read far too many of these threads and yours is starting from such a point of low self esteem.

A strong man NEVER sits and watches his wife drift away. Many miss the signs but that's not the case here. You know EXACTLY what's going on.

The only answer is head on. Are you a sports fan? How many teams win by ONLY playing defense? How can you score unless you literally "take the ball"?

Unfortunately I see you ruminating while your W destroys the marriage. It is barely salvageable now and not much longer


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MrZer0 said:


> Currently married to W of 7 years. Don’t fight basically ever, but our high-demand jobs are stressful and things since our 3 year old was born have been taxing. We went from a very sexual, affectionate marriage to one that lacked both. Mostly, I held back because she had issues with sex after childbirth and it wasn’t that enjoyable for her. I didn’t want her to feel pressured so I dialed back my sexual aggressiveness towards her. Eventually, this led to a pattern of her being more of a roommate than a wife. She works nights, I work days, and when she does sleep at home on her off days, she sleeps in the kids bed.
> 
> Eventually, I realized that I needed to share my feelings for her and that was more important than being a nice guy and not “pressuring” her into sex. I have made a lot of efforts to revitalize our marriage and sex life to what it was before our kid came along. She has stated that she approves of these steps, and wants me to keep it going. After working on this for a while though, I had noticed it was not really reciprocated. She showed no real affection back, no increased sexual desire, and no compliments/comments about me similar to what I shower on her. She was absorbing all of my attention/affection but not doing much in return. I chalked this up to her needing time to get back into the groove of things.
> 
> ...


Start reading literotica.

It is a free erotic story website. You can find your situation verbatim in several cheating wife stories.

Find the ones without a positive spin on adultery and read them with her.

Good for the goose approach, see how she would feel about you getting some action on the side since she isn't taking care of business. She seems to be entertaining open marriage ideas, it is a two way street. You can get dates too.

Direct approach, get your legal ducks in a row and have divorce papers drawn up. Hand them to her and say the next step is goodbye for us if we don't take our marriage seriously now!

No more toxic friends or denying each other intimacy.
IC for her and MC for you both is non negotiable.

I'm a direct approach guy but if you don't grab your balls and lay the sword to this dragon, it will destroy you and your marriage anyway.

Don't operate from fear of losing her. Operate from confidence in yourself and disdain for marital unfaithfulness and anything less than a 100% effort from her to be honest and transparent.

Your marriage is cooked already because she is lying to you by omission and opening her heart to a toxic friend.

Be bold and strong.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> YES!
> 
> Where are the women on Bob's post? Why do I not see a bunch of likes from the "X" genetic sector here? Why not, Dearies?


They are probably looking for a way to frame the OP as a stupid misogynist who didn't listen when he was told.


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## drifter777 (Nov 25, 2013)

MrZer0 said:


> Thank you for the advice. Unfortunately I work days and she works nights and we have a 3-year old at home that I can't leave (obviously) to go to her work. One of the steps she mentioned she would need to do to cheat is to go out with the other office guys socially after work for diner breakfasts that they keep inviting her to. I've already told her I'd LOVE to come along to those in order to dampen that. Fortunately right now she prefers sleep to the other guys so far.
> 
> Part of me hopes that her comments to her friends are just big-game talking and she has no real intention of doing anything. I was hoping the kid thing would resolve our lives once he gets old enough but her wanting another kid shortly means we'd be resetting the whole process to start all over again.


Here's the biggest problem you face right now: for her to cheat all she has to do is not say "no" when one of these guys puts the moves on her. She doesn't have to wine & dine them and lay on the charm - all she has to do is lie back and enjoy it. Right now, at a minimum, she's getting comfortable pushing her boundaries out just a little.

The only path you can take is put an end to it one eay or another. Talk to a lawyer and understand the process and then talk to your wife. Lay it on the line: if she wants sex with other men then she can pack her $hit and leave right now. If she truly has doubts about your marriage then maybe MC is the answer. But you will not tolerate cheating.


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## drifter777 (Nov 25, 2013)

Error


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MrZer0 said:


> Thank you for the advice. Unfortunately I work days and she works nights and we have a 3-year old at home that I can't leave (obviously) to go to her work. One of the steps she mentioned she would need to do to cheat is to go out with the other office guys socially after work for diner breakfasts that they keep inviting her to. I've already told her I'd LOVE to come along to those in order to dampen that. Fortunately right now she prefers sleep to the other guys so far.
> 
> Part of me hopes that her comments to her friends are just big-game talking and she has no real intention of doing anything. I was hoping the kid thing would resolve our lives once he gets old enough but her wanting another kid shortly means we'd be resetting the whole process to start all over again.


Way to passive. Make no mistake if you continue in this vain you will be cheated on. You are hoping and wishing when direct action is what is needed. Get it in your head that if she cheats you life doesn't end, you divorce and move on to better. Way too many people think that you can't have a good life without love and marriage. When if fact many people don't have good lives precisely because they are in love with a bad person and have a bad marriage. Cheaters take advantage of that. By definition if you live the rest of your life with someone who was willing to cheat on you there is always better. Operate from a position of strength not weakness.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The first thing you need to do is read the book MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER. It will tell you exactly what is going on and how to fix it if possible.

No matter how you you don't ont her,never, never,never give up your sources. You will need them. Also buy the Sony digital voice reorders 
at best-buy. Put one in your car and one in your home. She may already be banging her girlfriend but in any event it will be paramount to see who she is talking to while you are out. If she has any sense she wouldn't admit an affair to her but all friend anyway.

Anonymously rat her girlfriend out to her husband.
Unless he is enjoying the cuckhold life see the stuff hit the fan will clue your wife in to reality. After that she will figure you got your info through the grapevine.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

MrZer0 said:


> I was hoping the kid thing would resolve our lives once he gets old enough but her wanting another kid shortly means we'd be resetting the whole process to start all over again.


Don't have another child then. It sounds like your marriage may not survive it. Tell her that though you love your child dearly, it put a huge stress on your marriage and you would prefer to focus on each other again rather than another child. If you both make an effort and things improve enough in the marriage, then maybe you can consider another child.

Working opposite shifts is always a huge disconnect for a marriage. You are not together enough to nurture your emotional connection.

Don't just use your child as an excuse - "Oh, I can't surprise her for lunch, I am with the kid" is thinking that is going to give your marriage a slow death. Hire a sitter for a couple of hours. Enroll him in some sort of preschool or daycare one day a week. Make friends with another parent and do playdates. Focusing all your attention on your child instead of on each other is what got you into these doldrums.

And see if you can expose the affair this friend of your wife is having. Tell your wife's friend's husband. Find out who her affair partner is, and tell his wife if he's married. Tell the friend's family. Etc. Aside from the fact that the poor betrayed spouses need to know, it may give your wife a wake-up call. If she is fantasizing vicariously about affairs, let her see the damage that happens when they blow up.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I am a married woman and I agree with Chaparal, you need to become an alpha male and stop *****footing around this issue.
You wife may be tired with the young kids etc but she is treading in dangerous territory. Thoughts can become actions quite quickly. I would suggest you tell your wife that you are putting in a lot of effort into wooing her but it does not seem to be reciprocated and if she thinks that is the way to go, you are not engaging anymore. 
Give her a chance to reciprocate give a deadline, if she doesnt then start to go to the gym, lose weight, do the 180 on her and start going out more, join a club. Men who bend over backwards for their women are not all that attractive, you have to play a bit hard to get and let her know that you could have other options if you so desired. In other words, you are desirable and you are not content to put up with her lack of attention. Men need to be appreciated also.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

Sounds like your wife needs a wake up call. I think you should anonymously tip off the husband and snoop on the fallout. It might be enough to straighten out your wife. Also this is a good time to get your **** together and semi-plan a different life. I would confront if anything at all starts happening with a particular guy.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Chaparral said:


> The first thing you need to do is read the book *MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER*. It will tell you exactly what is going on and how to fix it if possible.
> 
> No matter how you you don't ont her,never, never,never give up your sources. You will need them. Also buy the Sony digital voice reorders
> at best-buy. Put one in your car and one in your home. She may already be banging her girlfriend but in any event it will be paramount to see who she is talking to while you are out. If she has any sense she wouldn't admit an affair to her but all friend anyway.
> ...



I read this a few years ago, I think it is spot on in so many ways. Surprised that it isn't recommended more often, as I think it would help many who get the standard "divorce" advice.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Sometimes there's a fine line regarding when the best time to confront is. But I'm going to suggest a different strategy than most have.

Right now, if you readily have access to her messages and she thinks everything is fine with you; that's a huge advantage in your favor. One that I would hate to give up so quickly, by revealing your concerns with what she said in them. That's the type of information where there's no real way you can avoid her knowing how you know. Then you risk taking her taking things underground going forward. And she could very will explain it away as girl talk or at least attempt to. Even if she admits she was wrong and apologizes, you've still lost your trump card. Personally, I'd want to see if I could find evidence that she couldn't try to explain away; that was worth giving up the advantage you have right now.

Add to that; what are the chances of talking your wife out of cheating? If she wants to cheat, she'll do it - just more carefully.

So, I would act like nothing's wrong. I would continue to monitor her messages a while longer and use other methods as well. Spyware on her phone, cell records, VAR. Then see what you come up with.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I hope he's still reading, but have my doubts. He didn't hear what he wanted to I guess.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Man up! Confront! Times like this require bold actions. Let her know you will be glad to pack her bags and do not let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. And by all means tell your wife's friend husband. Do not be a wimp like you are now. Sorry I call I like it is.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Voltaire2013 said:


> Step one, job change for her to days, it's unhealthy for your marriage. It's hard to maintain a healthy relationship if you never see each other.
> It's also gives a temporary reprieve on work 'temptations'.
> 
> Work on this first, there's plenty to do after but this IMO should come first.
> ...


^^^true.

Two ships passing in the night type marriages are very hard to maintain. Your W needs to consider day time work. If not for the marriage, your child.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Your wife needs to see what happens to marriages when affairs take place. Right now, she's just getting to witness the benefits of this friend cheating (I hate to say "benefits" because it's just disgusting to me). I'd get an anonymous note to the husband letting him know that she's cheating. Then, sit back & watch the **** storm. However, you can only hope that they're not rug sweepers. 

Having the wife switch jobs or change shifts isn't going to help the situation any. At least from the temptation of cheating point-of-view. There'll be plenty of eye candy elsewhere.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Your wife needs to see what happens to marriages when affairs take place. Right now, she's just getting to witness the benefits of this friend cheating (I hate to say "benefits" because it's just disgusting to me). I'd get an anonymous note to the husband letting him know that she's cheating. Then, sit back & watch the **** storm. However, you can only hope that they're not rug sweepers.
> 
> Having the wife switch jobs or change shifts isn't going to help the situation any. At least from the temptation of cheating point-of-view. *There'll be plenty of eye candy elsewhere.*


True but there is an extra set of eyes now watching the same eye candy as well as the electronics.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

MrZer0 said:


> I guess I’m trying to figure out how to steer her away from temptation and her toxic best friend and back towards her family before she makes a decision she can't turn back from.


You can't stop your wife from cheating if she wants to. You want some advice you probably aren't gonna take?

If you even THINK your wife is capable of cheating on you, SLAP HER WITH DIVORCE PAPERS ASAP.

If you don't have complete trust then she's not worth keeping around. This relationship is already over.

She has "secret chats" with toxic friends. YOU should be her best friend. Only privacy she needs is when she's on the toilet.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Voltaire2013 said:


> Step one, job change for her to days, it's unhealthy for your marriage.


^THIS^

And get rid of her toxic cheating friend. You might want to clue in the friends husband how he is being played as a cuckold, and show him that text message.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

badmemory said:


> Sometimes there's a fine line regarding when the best time to confront is. But I'm going to suggest a different strategy than most have.
> 
> Right now, if you readily have access to her messages and she thinks everything is fine with you; that's a huge advantage in your favor. One that I would hate to give up so quickly, by revealing your concerns with what she said in them. That's the type of information where there's no real way you can avoid her knowing how you know. Then you risk taking her taking things underground going forward. And she could very will explain it away as girl talk or at least attempt to. Even if she admits she was wrong and apologizes, you've still lost your trump card. Personally, I'd want to see if I could find evidence that she couldn't try to explain away; that was worth giving up the advantage you have right now.
> 
> ...


Yeah, but it looks like she is ready to act on this one. I would save everything i could on her texts/emails to the web, then confront. This is one you do not want to be a day late on.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Your wife is ripe for the picking.

A skilled player will home in on that from 500 feet away.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

GusPolinski said:


> Back everything up and confront.
> 
> Draw your line in the sand, and tell her that the bullsh*t ends or your marriage ends.
> 
> The toxic friend needs to go. I'd also expose her affair to her betrayed husband.


Yep, and I'd add that your wife may need to look for a new job. Also, I would not feel bad at all for reading those texts. While I'm not into snooping, I do think that if you have a reason to take a look at your spouse's devices/texts, that's within your right in your marriage. You have every right to know what is going on in your own marriage. 

Your wife is being very disrespectful of you. And while I agree with the quote that we are the average of the 5 people we most often spend time with, I don't think you should blame your wife's friend. A stand-up wife would not hesitate to tell a cheating friend that she will not support her having an affair. Your wife has issues with boundaries (IMO).


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

drifting on said:


> Straight forward like Gus Polinski and no choice have suggested is the correct way. Visiting her workplace for lunch with flowers is a good idea. No babysitter, no problem, bring your daughter with and say she wanted to tell mommy she loves her. Then maybe whisper in your wife's ear that she wanted to see the eye candy. This should get a horrorifying look from your wife. Ask her to go to lunch then if she won't introduce you to them. Then walk out and turn your phone off.
> 
> Do not make any contact at all, leave her to her head spinning. When your wife gets home, be ready for work, as soon as she comes through the door te her you were called into work early and leave. Again leave her with her head spinning, but be sure you can access your wife's iPad the following morning. I guarantee you your wife will have a very good conversation with the toxic friend that could tell you very much.
> 
> ...


QFT ... every word of it, and a good plan to follow, @MrZer0 . I predict you will truly regret not aggressively nipping this in the bud ASAP.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Only bold action is able to work on waywards. You confront in a weak manner and she will test you by taking action with OM.

I actually think your situation may be further along than you think. I would not be surprised if she's not already cheating with the so called eye candy. She probably is not brave enough to admit it, so she talks about only thinking about it but is already actually doing it. 

Too many BHs think that if the texting doesn't reveal an actual affair then it's not happening. We've had so many BHs come here for help with what they thought was only an EA based on the texting or emails. Further digging, it turns out that it was actually a sexual PA.

You need to get a VAR in her car BEFORE you confront. Also you MUST expose her adulteress friend. If you go soft on adultery, I'm telling you, it will bite you. She's going to be looking at your actions not your words.

Also, she needs to change to a day job ASAP. It's destroying your marriage. Don't take no for answer. I really hope you don't give the daycare excuse for this split work schedule. Your family is hanging by a thread. 

Also, that "friend" needs to be nixed immediately.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

smi11ie said:


> Sounds like your wife needs a wake up call. I think you should anonymously tip off the husband and snoop on the fallout.


this is a great idea. Send a type written note to the guy's place of employment addressed to him.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

What ever happened to Mr Zero?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Decorum said:


> What ever happened to Mr Zero?


you ask "What ever happened to Mr. Zero? And I answer "nothing". LOL!!


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I think he waited too long to confront his wife, his fears were realized and she did exactly what she was planning.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

TRy said:


> you ask "What ever happened to Mr. Zero? And I answer "nothing". LOL!!


:rofl:
.
.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> I think he waited too long to confront his wife, his fears were realized and she did exactly what she was planning.


That's probably true. I think if the whole thing blows up and ends in D, we often never hear from them.

His wife was so calculating.

"Well I would like to get down with Mr. Eyecandy, but my husband has been steeping it up lately so I am conflicted" 

It's like the guy pointing a gun at the head of a cashier in a 711 and deciding if he will shoot the cashier after he gets the money based on their facial expression.

Unbelievable.


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

I'm guessing he came onto this forum to figure out why his wife even WANTED to look elsewhere. To find out why she was falling out of love with him and what to do about it to save his marriage. And you all basically advised him to strap her to a chair and get to the bottom of it. It was then that he realized that getting advice from a bunch of bitter betrayeds may not be the way to go.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

TheRealMcCoy said:


> I'm guessing he came onto this forum to figure out why his wife even WANTED to look elsewhere. To find out why she was falling out of love with him and what to do about it to save his marriage. And you all basically advised him to strap her to a chair and get to the bottom of it. It was then that he realized that getting advice from a bunch of bitter betrayeds may not be the way to go.


Not true. Some good advice was given, he probably ignored it. @Chaparral gave some great advice for him to read MMSL primer, which would have answered the first two sentences of your post.

What would your advice have been?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Kim C said:


> How about an unexpected visit to her office. Drop in with flowers and see how she reacts. I would think it's harder for someone to take the leap once they met the spouse.
> I would also let her know that you feel like your efforts are not being reciprocated and ask her if everything's ok or does she thinks you guys should go and talk to a marriage councilor. It's hard after having a baby - maybe shes just exhausted and overwhelmed. I know I was. It wasn't until my child was in school on a normal M-F full day schedule did I start to really recover.
> It's worth the conversation because if she does cheat - you will never recover.
> 
> ...




I was also thinking about a surprise visit to the office.
But punch the 'eye-candy' in the face, instead of flowers.

Ok this would probably be a bad idea all round (plus it's not ey candy's fault for looking hot in the eyes of your wife) but those conversations your wife is having with her friend are NOT OK.

If you feel your affection is not being reciprocated, I'm not sure being 'nice' about it is always the best route. 'Nicing' someone into having feelings for you is just...painful and not always productive.

Figure out where your wife is at, with her feelings about you and the marriage.

Things do tend to go into unpredictable directions after kids, it seems. It's possible hormones are responsible for that I'm not sure. I also went through a difficult phase with my wife that still left me confused to this day a little.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Zero.. @MrZero

Reminds me of Coke Zero....no calories.

Just enough in his bloodstream for two posts, then the bubbles leave, and WE go flat...sigh.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

TheRealMcCoy said:


> It was then that he realized that getting advice from a bunch of bitter betrayeds may not be the way to go.


I call bull to this whole notion that the people that post on this site are "a bunch of bitter betrayeds". First, we mostly only see on this site the less bitter people that tried to save their marriages after learning of being cheated on, the hard core that divorce on the spot when they learn that they were cheated on do not go to sites like this asking what they should do, because they are too bitter about the cheating to even consider giving their spouse a second chance. Second, some who post, myself included, never had to deal with an affair in their own marriages; I first came to the infidelity section following people that started posting in other sections that had no idea that their spouses were cheating. I came back to this section to better understand why my dad cheated, and was amazed to see just how the vast majority of cheaters follow a script, and that my dad's excuses were ridiculously predictable and nothing special.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

TheRealMcCoy said:


> I'm guessing he came onto this forum to figure out why his wife even WANTED to look elsewhere. To find out why she was falling out of love with him and what to do about it to save his marriage. And you all basically advised him to strap her to a chair and get to the bottom of it. It was then that he realized that getting advice from a bunch of bitter betrayeds may not be the way to go.


Exactly. Here's what I viewed the OP's issues as being: 

1: stale sex life with wife
2: no communication with wife
3: wife had a confidant with questionable morals

After that it became supposition which prompted the OP to post. He glimpsed some "girl talk" and had a problem with it because his wife confided some issues with her friend (that IMO she should have come to him with) and then went on to share some ideas that the OP took as intent but could have been a way to placate her friend so as to continue receiving emotional support from her. 

Personally, I would have suggested 

1: the OP make an effort to communicate with his wife more frequently and beyond mundane conversation so that he can determine her true wants and needs. 

2: Once he knows her well enough (because clearly he did not as much as he'd believed) then put his foot down about the socializing with and enabling the wayward friend, including the idea of exposing this "friend's" affair to her BH. 

Hopefully the OP at least saw enough to enact the first idea.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

m00nman said:


> Once he knows her well enough (because clearly he did not as much as he'd believed) then put his foot down about the socializing with and enabling the wayward friend, including the idea of exposing this "friend's" affair to her BH.


 Wow, why so bitter? LOL!!!


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Zero.. @MrZero
> 
> Reminds me of Coke Zero....no calories.
> 
> Just enough in his bloodstream for two posts, then the bubbles leave, and WE go flat...sigh.


Yeah....OP has been gone a while. The whole story about her friend having a three way with her OM and her husband made me question the authenticity. Its just not the most likely scenario. Sure, some cheating wives do ask for open relationships so they can pretend they just met their OM and be out in the open. But....the whole three way thing...not all that likely. For starters yes there are OM out there that want to humiliate the BH, but I don't think that's all that common. Most OM don't care at all about the betrayed husband. If he was already banging her anyway why would he want to tag team her with her husband? Not saying it never happens.....just saying it ain't likely.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

TRy said:


> Wow, why so bitter? LOL!!!


LOLZ. See? That's the problem with the written word. People read into things using their own filters - myself included. Next time I shall try to be more thoughtful. 

When the OP mentioned that his wife left her iPad unlocked in his presence, it made me wonder why she was spending what little time they spend together between shifts to diversions like that - something that my wife and I are both guilty of, I should add and is something that I would like to change in my own marriage.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

TRy said:


> I call bull to this whole notion that the people that post on this site are "a bunch of bitter betrayeds". First, we mostly only see on this site the less bitter people that tried to save their marriages after learning of being cheated on, the hard core that divorce on the spot when they learn that they were cheated on do not go to sites like this asking what they should do, because they are too bitter about the cheating to even consider giving their spouse a second chance. Second, some who post, myself included, never had to deal with an affair in their own marriages; I first came to the infidelity section following people that started posting in other sections that had no idea that their spouses were cheating. I came back to this section to better understand why my dad cheated, and was amazed to see just how the vast majority of cheaters follow a script, and that my dad's excuses were ridiculously predictable and nothing special.


Ssshhhhh people can't believe others do actually post here to help and it isn't always out of affairs or bitterness. Still, it is easier to create an insult than debate the merits of why someone feels divorce or reconciliation is the better choice.


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