# remorse



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Qustion for all of you: What in your eyes is your definition of remorse? Is there a difference between guilt and remorse?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Remorse is the outcome of feeling of guilt. Remorse is intended for the partner. Guilt has something to do with self.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

When you feel bad about what you are doing, but continue on with the destructive behavior anyway, thats guilt. 

When you feel bad about what you are doing, stop the behavior, and cry because you have made your husband cry...that's remorse.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I never really knew the difference..interesting
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

My wife felt remorse for me once for about two minutes in 1994.

She has always felt guilty about that first affair. That's why she cheated on me again a month ago.

Guilt rarely brings about change. Only remorse does.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

With remorse, there is also a desire to right the wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## borderline (Feb 16, 2012)

marksaysay said:


> With remorse, there is also a desire to right the wrong.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

LordMayhem said:


> All credit for this goes to a poster named Fighting2Survive at the SurvivingInfidelity forum. It's a great guide to see if your WS is truly remorseful or just trying to sweep it under the rug.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> When you feel bad about what you are doing, but continue on with the destructive behavior anyway, thats guilt.


I totally disagree. Guilt doesn't mean you "continue" a behavior. Its an emotion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

JB is dead on... "Guilt is an Emotion". Nothing more, Nothing Less. 

My wife has told me that she experienced Guilt during the years she was cheating on me. However, it was complemented with the thrill and high that she got off secretly being with the OM. She told me the at Guilt would come on a few days after an secret meeting for sex, but would dissipate with suppression (compartmentalization) of her actions from her "every day life". As in... "who am I really hurting if no-one really knows what I've done" ie. the victimless crime.

Remorse was never crossed or addressed until she was caught. Why? Because now her lies could no longer suppress the reality of how many lives, families, dreams for a future her reckless actions had destroyed forever. Just as you can't Un-Ring a Bell, you can never UN-Cheat.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Guilt is bad= I'm going to do it again and it sucks...butt.
Feeling bad for not making a change. The insanity of doing the same thing over again and expecting different results and still *feeling* bad, with no reason to change.

Remorse is good= I am better then this and will improve, my unhealthy behaviors are going away, not b/c of your consequences you have for me, but b/c of my own consequences I have for my self. A life style change that benifits me and in the end has a positive effect on my relationship with others. An *action* one takes to show a change to better them selves.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Remorse is realizing that even with the information you had at the time of your decision that you still made the wrong choice, and that no matter how much you wish to undo it you can't.


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## thrway214 (Feb 24, 2012)

My wife has started saying a few right things, but still continues to be defensive and shifts blame for the A. 

What are your thoughts on sharing the post on regret vs. remorse with her? 

I am in a modified 180 with her right now. I am holding much of my thoughts to myself, but allowing her to talk. Should I share material from TAM with her? I sometimes feel like she needs a roadmap. But I guess, that is for her to go find, right?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

thrway214 said:


> My wife has started saying a few right things, but still continues to be defensive and shifts blame for the A.
> 
> What are your thoughts on sharing the post on regret vs. remorse with her?
> 
> I am in a modified 180 with her right now. I am holding much of my thoughts to myself, but allowing her to talk. Should I share material from TAM with her? I sometimes feel like she needs a roadmap. But I guess, that is for her to go find, right?


Noooo! Do not tell her you are on here! Do want her spying and finding out what we are advising you to do? Dude! Get a brain. TAM is your refuge from the evil witch. We are your only ace in the hole.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

thrway214 said:


> What are your thoughts on sharing the post on regret vs. remorse with her?


Don't. This is th same woman who is telling you not expose affairs the OM had to his wife. The same woman who took your computer from you (wtf is that about) and the same woman who is telling you she is moving out and wants a divorce.

WHY IN THE HELL would you want to show her anything when she is acting how she is???????????? Sigh. You still don't get it.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

thrway214 said:


> My wife has started saying a few right things, but still continues to be defensive and shifts blame for the A.
> 
> What are your thoughts on sharing the post on regret vs. remorse with her?
> 
> I am in a modified 180 with her right now. I am holding much of my thoughts to myself, but allowing her to talk. Should I share material from TAM with her? I sometimes feel like she needs a roadmap. But I guess, that is for her to go find, right?


Pretty much "road map" = acting lessons. Someone who is genuinely remorseful doesn't need a road map because it's - genuine.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Pretty much "road map" = acting lessons. Someone who is genuinely remorseful doesn't need a road map because it's - genuine.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

This is SO true. If you have to tell her what to do, guaranteed she isn't remorseful. You cannot MAKE someone be remorseful.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

The reason for asking this question was to see if I'm on the right track..EMotionally I am genuinly plugged back in. Just honestly wasn't sure because I do not hold my head down and cry every day anymore but I do all I can to keep my focus on hubby and make him my first priority. Why? because I realise now what I almost lost and never want to risk losing him again. Thank you all for your answers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> The reason for asking this question was to see if I'm on the right track..EMotionally I am genuinly plugged back in. Just honestly wasn't sure because I do not hold my head down and cry every day anymore but I do all I can to keep my focus on hubby and make him my first priority. Why? because I realise now what I almost lost and never want to risk losing him again. Thank you all for your answers.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You would not be feeling the way you do, or doing the things you are doing now if you were not feeling true remorse. You're doing fine. 

Now you, along with Calvin, just have to establish boundaries for the two of you, a set of hard rules that you both must abide by for the rest of your marriage, in order to keep yourselves honest with each other.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Found this on survivingbetrayal.com about remorse and guilt.

The difference between guilt and remorse

I wish every formally wayward spouse well on this journey. For those who need some direction, the following may be helpful; 

Real remorse means seeing the pain you caused someone, and reaching out to make it better. Feeling bad for the person in pain. 
A person who feels guilt rather than remorse sees the pain of others (that they inflicted) as judgment, condemnation, and feels bad for themselves. What they feel for the person in pain is anger - anger for showing them what they don't want to see (the consequences of their actions). 
Someone who feels remorse for doing a bad thing will always consider the thing they did to be bad. 
Bad feelings associated with guilt are situational, and change with circumstances. 
Someone really remorseful doesn't want to repeat a harmful action - they aren't even tempted to. Real remorse means never doing it again, self accountability. 
Someone who feels guilty can still repeat the actions causing the guilt, precisely to escape the guilt. The only way to end feelings of guilt is self accountability - guilt happens when someone runs from it. 
Remorse says "I'm sorry I hurt you". 
Guilt says "stop making me feel bad for what I did". 
Remorse cares more about the one wounded. They don't care about others holding them accountable because they already hold themselves accountable. 
Guilt worries more about how the wounded one makes them appear in the eyes of others. They feel their self image is being attacked. They do worry about others holding them accountable because they shirk self accountability. 
Remorse means learning from one's harmful actions. 
Guilt means not even facing what one has done, so learning from it isn't likely. 
Remorse means leaving the harmful actions one did in the past, but not forgetting them. 
Guilt carries harmful actions around, keeping them ever present, by attempting to avoid dealing with them. They will always be ever present, a thorn in ones side, looming large and affecting one's life until faced and dealt with. This is self inflicted torture - although a person struggling with guilt will blame others. 
Remorse leads to the ability to forgive the self. 
Guilt leads to self hatred. 
Remorse is action, actively doing something about the harm one caused. 
Guilt is feeling self pity and doing nothing about the harm one caused.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Did your wife read this T-Burn?


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Thank you so much Thorburn for that info..the self hatred is going away..sometimes it creeps up on me but I think it's something Calvin can help me with
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Thank you Bandit..yes boundries are a must, I agree
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Did your wife read this T-Burn?


Not this one I had her read some other stuff I downloaded about what the BS goes through. It was a long read and after she read it things changed for the better. It was about a month ago. She at least has a good grasp on what BS go through and has adapted accordingly. Her IC told her today that she is doing great and does not need to come back. Now I am ready for some MC. I had told my WS that I wanted her to come to grips with her issues before we start MC and I think I am at a place to do that.

At the beginning (after D-day) I was looking for my WS to screw up, get in contact with the OM more than the one time after D-day, (she did once within a few days to say goodbye - I confirmed that), or any other number of things to convince me further to file for D. Her remorse seems sincere. No attitude, no defensiveness, no argueing. She knows I have done more than most guys would have to stick it out.

This past weekend I felt something was a little funny and I checked everything out, computer, phone, etc. I finally sat down with her and asked her a question about the computer and she denied it. Everything indicated that she was telling the truth. She said, I know you don't believe me but it is the truth. I didn't believe her but as I checked the computer it verified that she told me the truth. So far so good.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Speaking as a former disloyal, I will say that one of the consequences we have to accept and embrace is that our actions destroyed trust and for a little while we will be "verified." As long as our words and actions match--as long as our loyal spouse verifies and sure enough we are doing what we said, home when we said we would be, with whom we said, etc. ... then the verification is the best way to rebuild trust and become intimately open with our spouse again. That's just the way it is. 

For the OP (original post) I would say this: 
*Guilt *is a feeling...an emotion you feel when you are doing something you know is wrong. It can feel "bad" but there is no particular indication of ending the wrong behavior! 
Edited to add: "Guilt" can also be a state-of-being. If you commit a crime, you are "guilty" whether you feel it or not. 
*Remorse *is actions...behavior that indicates you know what you did was wrong, you take personal responsibility for your actions, AND you make specific moves to do an about-face (in other words, stop the "wrong" behavior and start doing the "right" thing).


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I want him to check me out..my phone etc..because this way he feels better and I feel better. He wants to trust me and I want to prove to him that he can..I guess that's why you all call it transparancy..I'm an open book and it feels good having nothing to hide.. thank God he gave me this one last chance and yes he reminds me he will never keep me if I were to do it again..but he good news is every day is getting better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Thorburn - that was a great post. I saw a lot of guilt from my WS up until about 3 weeks ago. I think there is still some there, but I think he is moving towards remorse. However, after his comment yesterday (I posted on my original post), "Even though I don't think about it, I have to remember that it happened".....I don't know how I feel about that. I mean, I know he partially meant that he needs to remember that I am still hurting even if I don't always show it. I cry almost every day still - maybe just for a second, but it is my reality now that I still can't understand. I just don't want him to push it so far back that it will every become a problem again. I want him to move on with us, but I don't want him to forget what it did to us and to me. (and my tears lately are from anger - that is on my post too)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't agree with those of you saying that "guilt" means you continue a behavior. 

You could have stopped a behavior long ago and still feel guilty for having done it. It's a feeling/emotion. It is not an indication that you are going to keep doing something. Not one in the same at all.


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

CantSitStill,

I think you're doing great. My EA was almost eighteen and a half years ago and I still get down about it. Our stories are similar except mine was long ago and yours pretty recent, correct?

Sometimes when I am really down and I might be laying on the bed crying, dh comes in, sits down next to me and rubs my back or puts his hand on me, and sighs. He doesn't ask; he doesn't have to. He knows and it's ok. Granted, those crying jags are not frequent anymore because it was so long ago, but they happen occasionally. 

You'll never forget and neither will he, but you are totally on the right track. My marriage has boundries that we both take seriously. We don't do Facebook. He knows I am on here. We have a password book right by the computer. We both have private e-mail accounts...I can go on his and he on mine. He knows if I say I am going somewhere with friends he can show up unannounced and that's exactly where I'll be. If I say I'm at the store, I'm at the store.

Believe it or not, we have even gotten to the point where we can joke about it. If I'm on a lingerie site looking at pretties, he'll come up behind me and point and say, "Order that one!" (talking about the model) I don't do that kind of thing as much, because I'm the one who betrayed, but I can totally take his teasing and be ok with it. I know we're solid.
There's times when I think
I should forgive myself, but honestly I don't entirely want to. That might invite complacency and I won't do that ever again. 
I live with the memory of what I did. I don't think of it often anymore...I can go weeks or months without doing so, because my marriage is very happy now, but when I do think of it, it's a real *ss-kick to myself, one that I deserve. 

You guys will be ok.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

My wife and I kid about my EA as well. I think it's a healthy sign and indicates that you are dealing with it successfully as a couple - the key to getting there is to talk about it to each other.


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