# EA or not? Confused and hurt. help



## amped (Mar 8, 2011)

So i've read a lot of the posts on here for a few weeks, and I am struggling with my own situation. 
My wife has been in a relationship with another man for 2 years. This relationship started at work where they would have 1-2 hour conversations regularly about religion and such. Well the relationship migrated from work to texts and e-mails, and even some phone conversations. My wife is now in school and using him as a resource because he is in a field related to her school. The texting had progressed to about 30 texts per day. 
I confronted her about the frequency of their contact, and she told me the dreaded "we're just friends" and 'I'm not doing anything wrong". The texting and calling kept up for a few more months, and I raised the point again, but a little more angrily this time. And even a not so subtle text to him. They both said they would back off from this some so as to respect me, in the mean time she began deleting her text history and accusing me of being too untrusting since i was looking at cell phone bills. I agreed to stop looking at the bills, and she agreed to not contact him every day. Well she stopped texting him every day, but on the days where she wasnt texting she began e-mailing back and forth. Of course as soon as I found the e-mails she began deleting them too. For the most part the texts and e-mails that i did find were fairly innocent (business related, religion related) , a little ego stroking by both of them, and the occasional "its amazing that we are so much alike". comment. 
Now i cant deny that i've always been a jealous type of man. I have issues and I am working on that. I've even gone to dinner with this man and his wife as a couples dinner. to me it seemed that the other wife and I were merely along for the date 9my wife kept hitting him on the shoulder, and they kept telling inside jokes about work)... of course my waife said that was all in my head.
Well 2 weeks ago this situation blew up big time. I told him that i thought their relationship was too much and too intimate, and that i needed him to back off. I also told him that people in the community were talking about them, and that i had heard rumors of an affair. He said he had no idea it was such a problem, and that it was unfair to me and to his wife and that he was sorry.
End of story right? well my wife has drug her depressed ass around the house for a week now talking about how i chased off one of her best friends, and how her heart is broken. She's mad at all of the people in the community that have talked about this, and says that she is hurt by me. It seems to me that she is upset by everything except the fact that I felt cheated and shut out. 
She's still texting, emailing, and facebooking him to this day. although she contacts him 5-6 times per day, he usually only answers her once. He doesnt answer my texts anymore, but has called me back as a result of me texting him 3 times now and apologized/told me there was nothing more going on. He was very understanding and seemed so sincere. But now she tells me that he fears for his safety, and that is why he stopped talking to her. But i never threatened him in any way, i actually apologized to him for how bad things had gotten.
Now i dont think for a second that my wife was fooling around on me. But I do think that she was too close to this man in many ways. I know that they had talked about our sex life at least in passing, and she turned to him fairly quickly when we had problems with or oldest son.
She has me feeling like i over reacted, and i'm honestly not sure that i didnt. I'm so confused and hurt, but at the same time angry for her completely missing the point of why i was upset. And she doesnt recognize that I asked them both multiple times to back off some so that we could all stay friends.
Well long story short i'm giving up looking at any kinds of phone/e-mail/facebook history. The misery of living with her since he withdrew from her is unbearable, and I wish i had never told her that it bothered me. Is it normal to feel wrong and have doubts about your actions? Or maybe I was wrong? I dont have anyone to turn to here because i've confided everything in her for so long. But her hiding contact, and completely blaming me has me devastated. Any advice would be so much appreciated. i really am just lost and confused, there is so much more to the story but in the interest of time i'll leave it here. Thanks to anyone who has any input. Good or Bad.


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

amped said:


> So i've read a lot of the posts on here for a few weeks, and I am struggling with my own situation.
> My wife has been in a relationship with another man for 2 years. This relationship started at work where they would have 1-2 hour conversations regularly about religion and such. Well the relationship migrated from work to texts and e-mails, and even some phone conversations. My wife is now in school and using him as a resource because he is in a field related to her school. The texting had progressed to about 30 texts per day.
> I confronted her about the frequency of their contact, and she told me the dreaded "we're just friends" and 'I'm not doing anything wrong". The texting and calling kept up for a few more months, and I raised the point again, but a little more angrily this time. And even a not so subtle text to him. They both said they would back off from this some so as to respect me, in the mean time she began deleting her text history and accusing me of being too untrusting since i was looking at cell phone bills. I agreed to stop looking at the bills, and she agreed to not contact him every day. Well she stopped texting him every day, but on the days where she wasnt texting she began e-mailing back and forth. Of course as soon as I found the e-mails she began deleting them too. For the most part the texts and e-mails that i did find were fairly innocent (business related, religion related) , a little ego stroking by both of them, and the occasional "its amazing that we are so much alike". comment.
> Now i cant deny that i've always been a jealous type of man. I have issues and I am working on that. I've even gone to dinner with this man and his wife as a couples dinner. to me it seemed that the other wife and I were merely along for the date 9my wife kept hitting him on the shoulder, and they kept telling inside jokes about work)... of course my waife said that was all in my head.
> ...


No, you're not overreacting. Your wife has been involved in an emotional affair and has been denying it and justifying it, as well as trying to make you look crazy in the process. Classic behavior. She's being very selfish. There is nothing wrong with opposite sex friends, but 30 TEXTS in one day, etc.! And sharing details about your sex life? That's pretty excessive. Also, why would she need to delete things if she wasn't doing anything wrong? The definition of an emotional affair is an involvement with another person that deflects a person's emotional energy away from the marriage to an unhealthy degree. No reason she can't have male friends but, if she cared about and respected you, she would minimize her interactions with this guy.

She is intentionally deflecting blame away from herself and making you look like the bad guy for being "untrusting". You're being gaslighted.


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## amped (Mar 8, 2011)

gaslighted. thats a new word for me. But i can see how this seems to fit. 
How do i get her to see that it is an EA? I dont want to fight anymore. is this realization something that might never happen? Or maybe with time she'll realize that it was too much. I know she's faithful, and always has been. But yes the emotional detachment from me and the bond with him has got me reeling.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Your woman, she is most definately in an EA.

So as with any affair, how you proceed yourself is just as with any affair.

First, understand this, stop expecting her to "see" or "realize" or "understand" or in any other way to expect some rational or logical or sympathetic behavior from her toward you. 

A woman in an affair, do yourself and your marriage a big favor and stop hoping for something that simply will never happen.

A bucket of ice cold water, is the only cure for affairs!

Make an appointment for marriage counselling, for both of you and attend either with or without her.

But staring this very day, make it clear in your own actions and behavior, no matter how hard or painful, that you refuse to share your woman with another man, and you refuse to live your life in misery, and yes, this means you are willing to cut your woman loose if she is not going to honor and respect you as her husband.

And in your actions and behavior, calm, confident, in control in all things. No yelling, losing control, and NO CRYING in front of your woman. None of these things will help, and they will only make the affair man seem more of a man than you. 

Your goal instead, to be 100 times the man of the affiar man, and that begins and ends by demonstrating in action and behavior that you control yourself.

TO smash an affair, to be willing to fight and even be willing to cut her loose in divorce if necessary, this is the ice cold bucket of water to end affairs. 

And these tings, stop them immediately:

Stop apologizing for being jealous. A woman connected to her man loves her man's jealousy over her (and whenever she may resent such jealousy, watch for the affair man!) 

Stop second guessing yourself. Your own happiness as the man in the marriage is as valid and worth fighting for as anything else in this world, and if you are miserable that you are sharing your woman with another man, then do WHATEVER it takes to fight for your own happiness!

Stop seeking approval from your woman and putting her on a pedastal! She is in an affair, her judgment of you will be harsh, and she will be looking at you as the excuse and blame for her own misdeeds. Do NOT fall for it. Now is the time to remember the man you were before you met your woman, to seek your OWN approval, and move in YOUR bests interest and YOUR happiness. The irony is often, when the man behaves again in this way, his woman sees again the interesting and sexual man she fell in love with initially, and not the "child man" he oftens turns into after marriage. Avoid being the "child man" even in the slightest with an affair man in the picture!

ANd this, stop assuming your woman is not capable of being unfaithful. She is mired in an EA, deleting texts and emails and alreay hiding tings from you. 

Many many many married men and women have made the same assusmption to only be devasted later when they find the truth. 

If your woman is a woman, and she is, then yes, an EA can lead to the PA, so do not underestimate the seriousness of this situation, and do not sit back and do nothing, else you will not be happy at the outcome.

Now is not the time for sitting down, but instead it is the time for standing up!

Fight, and fight hard!

From your own leadership, marriage counselling, calm, confident, in control, stand for yourself and your own happiness and fight for your marriage.

Many at this Marriage Forum can help!

I wish you well.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She was in an EA. Post above is spot on. Read it 50 times.
Don't be confused, questioning of yourself or buy into any of her nonsense. You lay down the law that she is to be 100% in the marriage or not. Push her into this decision and make her understand if she's not coming around to you, then you will divorce her. If you operate from a postition of weakness or neediness, then you will not change anything.


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## amped (Mar 8, 2011)

Wow! All great responses. I've made a lot of mistakes up until now. My apologies have probably made my situation worse. So from here out I will be completely honest. I've typed this 15 times and I keep coming up with "but I don't want to keep fighting" 
Honestly I want to ignore it, take care of my own happiness, and let her see what she's missing out on. Because she had the world in her palm, and now she's put me in a place where I feel like a cornered animal.

I absolutely agree I have been weak and needy. Unfortunately she still needs to work with him 1/2 day per week. So I can't really say "no contact" but if it progresses again I will tell her its me or him.

So do you think just insuring I'm happy. I.e. friends,hobbies. While monitoring the situation is a good start? At this time counseling is not an option because of time issues with work, and both of us trying to complete our educations, plus all of our kids events.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## amped (Mar 8, 2011)

I just feel like since this situation is to a point where bringing it up again could do more harm than good. So maybe I should not be 100% firm unless it appears again. But if she brings up "losing her best friend" again I will not apologize, but instead assert myself and not show a hint of doubt or remorse for protecting my marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MardiGrasMambo (Mar 5, 2011)

Well, you're in a pickle because she still has to work with him. This UNDERSCORES the need to not half-step with this issue. The only way you win is by shutting off the emotional connection with the other man.

You know how when a fire is put out, the firefighters move debris around to make sure that there aren't any embers buried that can restart the fire. That's what you need to do. Otherwise, prepare to be cuckolded.


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## logan21 (Mar 4, 2011)

amped, you are getting good advice here. Discovering this board likely saved my marriage. I just wish I had found it 3 years ago. I did all the wrong things back then, when my wife was just beginning a EA. I got it stopped somehow, but didn't know how to change my behavior and "man up". My wife had a PA (with a different man) in October. I would have likely made things worse if I didn't read stuff like BBW posted. Now I know what my wife was looking for (even though I don't think she does), and I will make sure she finds it in me from now on. This forum was a godsend for me. Good luck to you.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Possibly you harmed the affair by getting the other party to back off. But you certainly have not changed your wife's attitude "toward you". You have to choose what it is YOU want, and demand calmly and confidently that she provide it. This could be quitting her job (or not), ending all contact (or not), allowing full access to her phone (or not).... Point is don't operate out of fear of screwing things up, operate out of what it is YOU want and demand it (without yelling). While being demanding, you have to make sure you are being the best choice for her though.


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## amped (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes, fear of fighting has gotten me here, and this isn't a good place. Good or bad I'm trying to change. I'm not making myself available 24/7 to her anymore, and I'm making it clear that I have things of my own that take priority. 
Its amazing that just trying to be kind, gentle, and loving can backfire so badly. But live and learn right? Its just sad because I really did treat her like royalty, and its gotten me this disrespectful scenario. 
The advice thus far is exactly what I already was thinking, but she had me doubting myself fiercely. 
I hope I'm wrong, but I think there's another fight coming from her in the future. While I'm not going to be able to force her to see my side, I can at least be clear as to what my feelings are, and what is required for me to be happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Don't try to make her see your side. That is pleading. State your terms and force her to make a choice to accept them or you will move on with your life. Read the many threads on this subject.l


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## amped (Mar 8, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Don't try to make her see your side. That is pleading. State your terms and force her to make a choice to accept them or you will move on with your life. Read the many threads on this subject.l


I will do some reading tonight. Thanks


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

All good advice. But I do wonder if your wife knows what an Emotional Affair is and how damaging it is to the marriage. She does need that information. Other posts talk about the "fog" of an emotional affair. That's what it sounds like your wife is in. 

Seeing how the man backed off so much I think it was probably a one sided thing. Your wife got addicted to the attention. 

You're right, don't back off. I mean if it were me, I'd tell my husband to find another job if that happened to us.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I would like to add that not only should you let her know your feelings and what will make you happy, but I would throw in some boundries and the consequences that will occure if she crosses them. That just my $0.02

I think your are on the right path, research and get the knowledge that you will need for the next fight. The ammo you will get by reading and informing your self will help you in your quest. See this crap has a script b/c alot of folks go through it, so when you already know what your wife is going to fight with.... you will have a better stratagy in how to respond.

Thats the great thing about this site, we all here have heard the same BS your W is telling you (well not from your W personaly but..) here at TAM you can get different perspectives on how to deal with her in new ways you have never though of. And the succes that some have had when they change there thinking.

So man up and go own that next fight!


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## Anooniemouse (May 5, 2010)

Just a view from another side of it. My K has her issues with jealousy, rational, and not. Often its in the form of wise council "Why take a risk with what we have?" Sometimes it is irrational; though I'm sure there are those here who would find plenty of justification with the situation below, and I can certainly agree with them for it if they do. 

For 20 years of my life my best friend was a girl, and an odd relationship at that with some blurry boundaries at points in the distant past. Eventually C & I dated awhile, it was a really bad idea and it totally screwed up our friendship for a long time. Several years went by, she married, and divorced before I was able to become friends with her again. C eventually remarried, and I kept that friendship, although we didn't spend a lot of time hanging out anymore. Probably the only woman in my life who knows me as well as K does, though even that is debatable now. C is someone whose council I trust, and with years of knowing my own traits, good, and bad she gives me a perspective that I just can't get anywhere else, and calls me on my own @$E*$ (even when I don't want to hear the truth). 

Anyone you have been with in your past is a potential threat simply because of the intimacy they shared with you; they do know what buttons to push to get a response out of you, because they know that part of you. For that reason alone, I could easily understand jealousy. K had not had much issue with it, but something triggered a moment of jealousy with her when she came to town without her new husband. Nothing to it; we had all had plans to go out together, K ended up not being available at the last minute, and told me "I don't want you to go". 

Okay, it tweaked a moment of a trust issue for me that I momentarily resented as I knew my friend was not going to be in town for probably another year, and sure I was disappointed, but my K is irreplaceable. So I deferred to this as we both agreed long ago, its not worth causing an issue to invoke jealousy by doing something we know is going to be a problem to each other. I simply told my friend "Its probably nothing really to do with you, its just a moment of her feeling insecure, and jealous. It will pass, but I have to defer to her now. Its not worth opening a wound." The truth is, it did have very little to do with who my friend was to me, or was in he past, but something she was processing at the time that gave her a twinge. 

Now its not an issue anymore, not even to have her stay with us on trips back into town. You know why its not? Because I was simply willing to defer to her feelings; she knew if she set a boundary like that I would not cross it. K knew where my loyalties were. I'm not so stupid as to believe she allows that relationship to continue with anything short of absolute trust in me, and a trust that many would not give their other, at all, period. If she had made that an absolute that I could never talk to her I would have resented it for awhile, but I still ultimately would have respected it. That is the difference here. 

Here you have something that looks to me like a genuine threat, and overboard. How does she respond to that? By continuing with it, and hiding it. I know that urge to want to smooth things over, and its the wrong urge. Ultimately she may resent it for awhile if you set an absolute boundary, but if you don't, she wont respect you, nor respect it. "Is it worth losing my trust, and faith? You can have this, but you wont have me." That is where it has to be. She may call you controlling, she may try to twist it into something else, but you are simply protecting your marriage. Don't back down when you are right, or you will set yourself up for worse in the future. 

As long as she knows it will cost her, she'll be less inclined to do it in the future. Its not her who will change, its you; she will merely realize...


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