# Don't know if I should stay or go...



## confusedwantingmore (Apr 28, 2011)

I feel like the father of my children is selfish, he puts his wants above what our family needs, but I love him and want to make things work. However, after talking with a few people and explaining the situation I have been advised to leave him. He knows how I feel and says he wants to be together but after all we have been through in 8 years together I don't believe his words and his actions don't show any change.

Do you think a selfish slob could change his ways and be a good husband and father?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Hard to say. Some people are bad husbands because their wife does not meet their needs, so they meet their own needs and become unmotivated to be a good husband. More rare but definitely out there is a husband who's wife treats him great but he still chooses to be a selfish slob. Hard to say from your post which is the case.


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## confusedwantingmore (Apr 28, 2011)

I do nag him and am not a perfect wife, but I do almost everything and he doesn't seem to care about my feelings. I say I am sorry when I am wrong and try to see his point of view. When we fight he always turns it around on me to make it all my fault. He loves me and I love him, of that I have no doubt. He is a good man with good intentions but I think he is just lazy and inconsiderate of my feelings. 
If I am not meeting his needs how do I figure out what it is that he does need? I am starting to get resentful. I do bring up past issues, which I know is not right, but I feel like we have never gotten through these old issues, I just try to forgive him and move on with nothing ever really being resolved. We lack communication and he doesn’t want to go to counseling. 
We are not even really married yet; we have two children (4&5) and have been together 8 years. He asked me to marry him about 4 months ago and things seemed better for a while, but he puts things off until it effects others and that is mostly why I feel he is inconsiderate. 
I can go into more detail if you want a clear picture, but mostly I just don’t want to get married to him and be miserable because he is a bad husband and father.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

confusedwantingmore said:


> I do nag him and am not a perfect wife, but I do almost everything and he doesn't seem to care about my feelings. I say I am sorry when I am wrong and try to see his point of view. When we fight he always turns it around on me to make it all my fault. He loves me and I love him, of that I have no doubt. He is a good man with good intentions but I think he is just lazy and inconsiderate of my feelings.
> If I am not meeting his needs how do I figure out what it is that he does need? I am starting to get resentful. I do bring up past issues, which I know is not right, but I feel like we have never gotten through these old issues, I just try to forgive him and move on with nothing ever really being resolved. We lack communication and he doesn’t want to go to counseling.
> We are not even really married yet; we have two children (4&5) and have been together 8 years. He asked me to marry him about 4 months ago and things seemed better for a while, but he puts things off until it effects others and that is mostly why I feel he is inconsiderate.
> I can go into more detail if you want a clear picture, but mostly I just don’t want to get married to him and be miserable because he is a bad husband and father.


Go and get the book "His Needs, Her Needs". This book will give you the answers I believe you are looking for. It has been by far one one the best relationship books I've ever read.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedwantingmore (Apr 28, 2011)

Here is some back ground...
Mainly, it is a ton of little things, he is a slob, he forgets birthdays, doesn’t help our young children do anything for Mother’s day or Christmas, and puts his pet bird and hobbies before me and the kids. I didn’t want the bird and he got it anyway, which to me shows lack of respect, plus the bird is very loud and it gives me headaches which he seems to think I am either just making up or he just doesn’t care how I am effected by them. The bird is also really messy and he wont clean up after it, walking all throughout our house letting the bird sit on his shoulder and poop everywhere without cleaning it up after. Poop is everyplace I look and I don’t feel it is right to have young kids around bird feces. It is not sanitary and when I tell him this he says that this bird is a pet and has no diseases. He doesn’t care that the bird leaves poop on the floor where our kids play, on the bathroom counter, behind the toilet, even on our bed!
Also, he comes home and plays on the computer, or works on his hobbies, and never spends any quality time with me. When it is time to buy a gift for the kids or pay childcare bills I am constantly spending my money because he spends his money on things he wants for himself and his hobbies. Always putting himself first, before his family. We both pay half of rent; I pay for PG&E and all kid stuff. He pays for my cell phone, cable and internet (which I didn’t have or use when I didn’t live with him) he also buys food but he mostly buys junk food for himself not the healthy dinner food we need for the kids.
He half assess everything he does for me never attempts to be romantic or be appreciative of everything I do for him. He has made promises to be a better boyfriend and change, but in reality, he hasn’t really made an effort.
I noticed he has been being less and less affectionate and caring, we don’t kiss anymore or cuddle and it seems now he only is affectionate after we have been fighting. When we fight he always says really mean things and hits below the belt and then when he decides that he wants to stop fighting he is nice for a little while and then wants to have sex. We do still have a passionate sex life when he wants it, but it is always on his terms and not very often.
I have threatened to leave, fought with him about how I don’t feel he is being a partner and told him how I think we could work on our issues, many times, and it always ends with us saying I love you, and both of us apologizing for our fight but nothing ever changes. He swears he loves me, but his actions speak louder than his words. I love him with all my heart, but deep down, it feels like I am just being taken for granted.
He has done things so many times in the past that I am having a hard time forgiving and forgetting and I am starting to feel resentful. A few examples are: He bought a motorcycle a few days before our daughter was born (first child) and asked me to co-sign but the paperwork didn’t go through so he asked me to put the bike into my name and he promised he would take it out of my name fast and make all the payments on time. 5 years later he had stopped paying the repo guys couldn’t find the bike so the finance company threatened to garnish my wages, so I asked my boss for a personal loan of $1000 and his mom paid the other $2500 to pay off his bike. I couldn’t afford for 25% of my check to be taken for his bike and he wasn’t doing anything but make false promises he would take care of it. So his mom and I paid and he didn’t even say he was sorry for making me go through that and having to ask my boss. I have asked him many times when and how he plans to pay my boss back and he just wont answer me. All he has said is that he wants the title in his name or else it is mine to deal with and sell it on my own to pay her back, he knows it will be hard for me to sell because I can’t ride it or move it, and I don’t know the details like miles and maintenance schedule. But if I do let him put in his name I feel like I wont ever see that money again. He told our neighbor that he would ride it until the end of summer so I don’t think he has any intention to sell it. After all that happened with the bike the next day as I was leaving for work and saw that he had taken my daughters car seat out of my car, which is fine if he tells me about it before I need it. I had to turn around and go back home and when I asked him for the seat I yelled because I was mad about the bike and that he had made me late for work by taking the seat. He screamed the F word like 5 times at me and said how dare I talk to him with attitude and to get it myself out of his car. Well I don’t have a clicker to get into the garage or have his car key and I was already very late so I asked him to pick up our daughter because I don’t have the seat, he said no so I slammed the door and left. I guess when I slammed the door his RC airplane fell off the dresser and that made him really mad. After I got both kids from school and came home I saw a note on the bedroom door “broken glass= broken friendship”. Then I saw that he had smashed my Grandmothers lamp that was willed to me after her death. This lamp is the only thing I had of hers and I really loved it because it was hers. I understand that I should not have slammed the door but I didn’t damage his plane on purpose and he choose something he new I really loved to break just to hurt me. After I cleaned up the lamp pieces I started packing my stuff and got a storage unit to put my things until I could leave him so my stuff would be safe. Now things have cooled off and he did say sorry for the lamp and asked me not to leave but I am having a hard time forgiving him because I think he crossed the line with that one.
Before the last fight, about the bike and lamp, I helped him by doing his taxes for him and once the money came instead of paying back my boss he bought a new laptop computer. Showing me again that I am a fool for trusting him and his word. This is also not the only time he screwed me over, while I was home on maternity leave with my second child (me and the kids lived with my mom at the time) he took my car joy riding with him friend and totaled it, I had to pay the $1000 deductable and I was without a car for over a year, while I saved money for a replacement car, relying on my mother for transportation for myself to get to work and our two kids to get to daycare. Both times when I told him I was pregnant he left me because he didn’t want to have kids and both times he came back in my life just before the babies were born saying he wanted to be with me and be a family and I believed him. We have been on and off (off during both pregnancies and then back together but we didn’t live together after the kids were born until about 18 months ago)
Never gives me flowers, no cards, no romantic dinners, no help around the house, and little help with our kiddos. He sometimes watches them for short periods of time if I have a doctor apt or something but most of the time my mom helps me out with things like that, for the most part he wont help me out. Example: I had a garage sale of my things to raise money to buy my kids a new bunk bed; both were in toddler beds that were getting small for them. So I bought a used bunk bed and had my mother help me pick it up and carry it upstairs to our apartment. He sat at his computer while both women carried but the heavy metal bed frame. The next day I went to pick up two used twin mattresses and after picking up both our kids from school and carrying up the first mattress and box spring I asked him if I could leave the kids with him for about 30 minutes while I go to pick up the other mattress in my moms truck. He said no because he just got home from work and needed time for himself. What the hell? I just worked all day also, picked up two kids from school, and carried a mattress and box spring up stairs by myself! So I took the kids with me and had to take my car with the kids and car seats and have my mom follow me in the truck using more gas money with two cars all because he can’t watch his own kids for 30 minutes while I try to get them a bigger bed. It is not like I asked him to do me a special favor so I could to do something fun, this was for him to help me while I try to make a better home life for our kids. Then I carried the second mattress up by myself after I got back. I paid for it all and got it all home and up stairs by myself but he did help me set it up in the kid’s room the next day, witch was nice because I couldn’t do it myself.
I am not saying that all our problems are his fault I know that I have some blame as well but I feel like he doesn’t even try to see my point of view. I have forgiven him so many times and I feel like he won’t even try to understand how I feel. He thinks it’s my job to do all the cleaning and everything for the kids even though we both work full time. I feel I shouldn’t have to clean up after him so much; he makes worst messes than the little kids do.
What should I do when talking has gotten us nowhere and he wont go to counseling or even admit he has any fault in our problems.
If I leave, I am losing my best friend and the father of my children.
I honestly can say I love this boy, but I don't want to be a fool and waste my one life with someone who doesn't love me back, if he is just comfortable and will never grow up and give me what I need.


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## confusedwantingmore (Apr 28, 2011)

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage ?
or 
His Needs, Her Needs for Parents: Keeping Romance Alive ?

So many books with this title...
Also, he doesn't want to put in the work. I feel like we should both read the book, but I know he wont.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Building an affair proof marriage is what you should start with. Everything is just a spin-off so to speak of that book.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

confusedwantingmore said:


> Here is some back ground...
> Mainly, it is a ton of little things, he is a slob, he forgets birthdays, doesn’t help our young children do anything for Mother’s day or Christmas, and puts his pet bird and hobbies before me and the kids. I didn’t want the bird and he got it anyway, which to me shows lack of respect, plus the bird is very loud and it gives me headaches which he seems to think I am either just making up or he just doesn’t care how I am effected by them. The bird is also really messy and he wont clean up after it, walking all throughout our house letting the bird sit on his shoulder and poop everywhere without cleaning it up after. Poop is everyplace I look and I don’t feel it is right to have young kids around bird feces. It is not sanitary and when I tell him this he says that this bird is a pet and has no diseases. He doesn’t care that the bird leaves poop on the floor where our kids play, on the bathroom counter, behind the toilet, even on our bed!
> Also, he comes home and plays on the computer, or works on his hobbies, and never spends any quality time with me. When it is time to buy a gift for the kids or pay childcare bills I am constantly spending my money because he spends his money on things he wants for himself and his hobbies. Always putting himself first, before his family. We both pay half of rent; I pay for PG&E and all kid stuff. He pays for my cell phone, cable and internet (which I didn’t have or use when I didn’t live with him) he also buys food but he mostly buys junk food for himself not the healthy dinner food we need for the kids.
> He half assess everything he does for me never attempts to be romantic or be appreciative of everything I do for him. He has made promises to be a better boyfriend and change, but in reality, he hasn’t really made an effort.
> ...


Tell him to read "the love dare". Changed me from your husband to what I am now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedwantingmore (Apr 28, 2011)

He wont read the book. I begged him, and he said I need to find a different way. I am so upset. After everything he still is saying I need to... instead of we, or he himself helping me fix our issues. I need to figure out a way to make things better.
I really want to make it work, but he wont try. He says it is not an issue for him, he is fine with how things are. I feel like my world is falling apart, how can he not see how much I am hurting? I have told him how I feel, said I would leave if we can not fix our issues and still he can't even read a book that would help us heal our relationship? Does he not want to end it so instead he is making me leave him? After reading all these men posting how much they love there wives and how hard they work trying to understand and fix the issues to make things last it breaks my heart even more. How do I know when to give up? If he wont even try than is it really over this time?


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

My wife told me she was "detached" and didn't love me anymore. Our friends gave us the movie fireproof, and I figured I would try anything. Little did I know, I was a miserable person on the inside. Now, I'm finally happy with me.

Some men only change when reality shows up and kicks them in the nuts.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Some men only change when reality shows up and kicks them in the nuts.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Also, confused, have you guys done any counseling at all? Maybe you could find one that might help you guys sort things out. That's always an option.


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## confusedwantingmore (Apr 28, 2011)

marksaysay said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> Also, confused, have you guys done any counseling at all? Maybe you could find one that might help you guys sort things out. That's always an option.


After I told him I was going to leave he did agree to go and we went to 3 apt together, the fourth one he was a no-show. I was really upset and called to tell him to just come late and he told me "I am in the middle of something very important, so I wont come but I will talk with you once you get home" (my mom was sitting the kids for us to "work on things").
Once I got home he gave me a diamond ring and said he forgot the apt because he was buying it for me. I was happy and let him off the hook for not showing up and things were a little better for a short while. That was two months ago. After that the bike payment issue and the broken lamp issue happened and he wont return to counseling. I am still going on my own. 
I did start the Love Dare, yesterday was day 4. I didn't call him at work because he and I had a fight in the morning (and I didn't hold my negative comments to myself  ) After day 2 and 3 I was feeling run down. Day 2 I washed his laundry and he didn't notice. I didn't say anything because the point is not to try to get a thank you. The "thinking of you" gift I gave him was his favorite creamer and throw away coffee cups. (He always has a pile of dirty cups in his car he forgets to bring up for me to wash, and he has been out of his creamer for several days-he LOVES his coffee) Well, all he said was "I need a LARGE cup of coffee, I wont use these". Well I didn't tell him that I did get the large size. 
I do plan to to ask him the three things that cause him to be uncomfortable or irritated with me tonight after the kids are in bed. 
I know the point of the book is not to be selfish, but I can't help but feel that I am the one should be on the receiving end of the dares. I am the one who is saying that I will leave. I do everything for him and he wont even communicate with me. 

I asked him last night if we could go to breakfast on Sunday, for Mother's day, as a family (he leaves on the weekends to do his hobbies most of the day Sat and works 12-4 on Sunday) He said he was working Sunday and I should spend the day with my mom. I told him that I planned to spend lunch with my mom, and that it would really be great if we could do something together before he went to work and if he didn't want to go out to breakfast we could just stay home and I can make strawberry waffles or something. He told me "your not my mom". I didn't say anything but I went into the bathroom and cried for about 15 mins. He got mad that the kids were "running amok" and said he was "going out". 
I'm not wearing my ring anymore, and we have talked about how I feel like marriage is more than just a ring and a promise, but that it is a commitment to be there for each other for the rest of our lives and that I don’t want to marry just to get divorced a few years down the line and I wont marry him unless I know that we are both committed to making things work better or worse. He said he understood that but he doesn’t show me any signs that he is willing or trying to change. I really love him and want to be a family. Being raised by a single mother I know how hard that can be and don’t want to give up if this is just one of the “worst” times. 
Am I a fool to keep trying?


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## confusedwantingmore (Apr 28, 2011)

Dedicated2Her said:


> My wife told me she was "detached" and didn't love me anymore. Our friends gave us the movie fireproof, and I figured I would try anything. Little did I know, I was a miserable person on the inside. Now, I'm finally happy with me.
> 
> Some men only change when reality shows up and kicks them in the nuts.


I saw the move as soon as you told me about the book. I really liked it and felt a lot of hope for us after seeing it. However, he is not a man of faith and wont sit and watch a "bible movie". 
He told me that if was me leaving or for him to read a book (I asked him to read His needs, her needs because it was the less religious) than I should just leave because he wont read it.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Ok, I read half your posts and I stopped. Please read my post should I stay or go? I am older than you,but our story mirrors each other. I am going to tell you exactly what I think.

When my kids were close to your kids ages, hubby didn't help with kids. He put on a nice little show when his parents came to see the kids. Both of my kids have special needs and I slept upright in a chair for 18 months because our daughters stomach did not heal appropriately so she threw up everytime she laid down. Not once did hubby sit with her. One time, my son was ill and I had both kids rocking them since 1:00 am and at 10:00 he was still sleeping cause he was tired!

Later on in our marraige after dealing with an emotional affair with coworker then he had one with another woman because I did not meet his needs. HELLO! I was so tired, I literally slept walk the first two years of my kids life!

Years have past. Resentments built cause I KNEW he could do better,but he didn't WANT to do any better. Then last year, I finally freaked. I have burnt myself out trying to be the good mom,the good wife,bills,groceries,house,laundry and he worked. Now, he is a hard worker but why could he not do that for me and my kids?

Well,I will tell you why. Because I was a complete doormat. He knew he didn't have to because there was no reason to change. When I finally decided to leaave and he knew I was serious, all the sudden he changed. Then I got confused,and came here.

Your hubby will not change. You do everything,why should he? I got a toilet seat,a mop and a bottle of Mr. Clean as bitrthday gifts. Is that what you want to end up with? Is that what you want to showyour kids as how to treat people? I asked, how can he do this if he loves me? Because I didn't love myself.

Read my story, you can PM me if you like. I will catch up with you later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedwantingmore (Apr 28, 2011)

tamara24 said:


> Ok, I read half your posts and I stopped. Please read my post should I stay or go? I am older than you,but our story mirrors each other. I am going to tell you exactly what I think.
> 
> When my kids were close to your kids ages, hubby didn't help with kids. He put on a nice little show when his parents came to see the kids. Both of my kids have special needs and I slept upright in a chair for 18 months because our daughters stomach did not heal appropriately so she threw up everytime she laid down. Not once did hubby sit with her. One time, my son was ill and I had both kids rocking them since 1:00 am and at 10:00 he was still sleeping cause he was tired!
> 
> ...


I read your whole thread. Did you stay or go?
:scratchhead:
At least he did bother to get you a thoughtless gift, mine wont even say Happy Mother's Day or get me anything for holidays or remember birthdays. He sure wants to be the king on his birthday though.


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