# I'm just a private person....



## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

After spending so much time on TAM I am wondering whether the above statement is very much unusual when it comes to male sexuality.

Ever since we got together, before we even had sex and whenever I would make moves on him he would push me away and explain that he is a 'private person'. (Which taking away immaturity and the cloud of love and adoration - it should of been a huge red flag). 

Although there were times when he would reciprocate my advances, looking back it was to stop me from ending it (which I used to do with monotonous regularity because he was giving me mixed signals). He also told me that he did not believe in sex before marriage and rushed me into a quick engagement - being young and naive this was highly romantic. After we were married I remember things went hot and cold, where he would be really into sex but then withdraw. Up until recently I thought that is what he does and accepted it, but as I get older it puzzles and frustrates me. I sometimes turn it on myself and think I am not good enough. He does compliment me on my looks frequently. 

I find it hard to stop him withdrawing and I hate it when he says 'I'm just a private person'. The hardest thing is knowing that he is very sexual, I know he is not gay (100% sure), he doesn't get opportunities for infidelity (he is painfully shy around women). He just likes his own world and his own fantasies and I really don't think he likes having sex with other people, but is loving enough to show willing and act it out. He is rather co-dependent (down to his bizarre childhood) so there are lengths of time where he dotes on me and asks for sex every night or will be touchy feeling with me. He still hates talking about sex or trying new things. If I want to try something different I have to think months and months ahead of slowly, slowly getting him used to the idea. If I ask him what HE wants he completely closes down - he will listen to my needs, but will not share his. I am a poor guesser. 

As far as sex is concerned, is being very 'private' something usual/unusual with men? 

(Married 21 years - no current sexual dysfunction).


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

peacem said:


> As far as sex is concerned, is being very 'private' something usual/unusual with men?


I don't know, although I do lean towards it's probably unusual.

What you describe certainly seems a bit odd to me.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

He also lies about weird things for no reason. He chalks this up to being a 'private person'.

E.g. Asked him about his day at work and whether he managed to get out at lunch time. He said 'no - snowed under ate my lunch at my desk.'. Later my daughter told me she saw him in town (she was on a bus). So I asked him again - 'did you go out at all at lunch time?' he replied 'no - IN all day'. When I told him our daughter had seen him he said he didn't know why he lied - he's just 'private'. 

^^^this is normal for him. He hides things from me too and only tells me about it when he has no choice or needs me to fix it. Secret bank accounts or he starts legal action and not discuss it with me. I found a letter from a solicitor where he had started legal action against someone - a year ago and only told me about it because I found the letter. I remember the letter arriving and asked him what it was as it looked official and he said it was junk (thought it was odd because of the name of the solicitor on the envelope - didn't look like junk). Again explained as...'private'.

My friend says that is what men are like??


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Yes, it's unusual, as far as I'm concerned. I really don't think it's you. It sounds more like he's got some deep-rooted issues related to sex and intimacy, and this would be happening with any other woman he married. Maybe he came from a more religious, repressed home, like my wife. You know him better than we do, but perhaps every so often he feels guilt related to sex, because of his upbringing? (If you find the solution to this, let me know!)

I know it's hard, but don't allow his issues to make you feel unattractive. I'm guessing you get attention from other men, right?

The lying part is very unusual. No, not all men are like that. Did he get harshly punished a lot as a child?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

peacem said:


> As far as sex is concerned, is being very 'private' something usual/unusual with men?


To me, his being private isn't the unusual thing - it's the back and forth. I imagine he's wrestling with his sexuality, manages to overcome it for short periods, then regresses back to the usual. Rinse and repeat.

Imagine you're trying to cut something or of your diet. Let's say cookies. Cookies are awesome, but you feel guilty because you tend to binge on them, and when you do, you feel bad. You wind up alternating between two different things over and over again - "I love cookies, I don't care" and "I feel bad because I ate 10 cookies". I don't know his backstory, but something has caused him to view sex in a less-than-positive light. At the very least, he seems to overcome it for periods of time, but the trick is keeping him there, I guess.

FWIW, my wife is similar, but without the extreme back and forth. Her 'privacy' is pretty steady. Won't (can't?) talk about sex. Generally no interest in it, save for once-a-week when we're actually having sex, then it's immediately back to the subject not existing, and so on. She gets it all out in 20-30 minutes then bottles it up again. To her, it's not necessarily that sex is BAD, but it's not a positive thing, either. It's like she has her 'safe time' once a week when it's okay, otherwise it's avoidance and non-existent. So I kind of get where you're coming from having a partner who vacillates between sex is awesome and sex is... something else. Just that mines on a schedule, whereas yours you have no idea.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Tatsuhiko said:


> YMaybe he came from a more religious, repressed home, like my wife. You know him better than we do, but perhaps every so often he feels guilt related to sex, because of his upbringing? (If you find the solution to this, let me know!)
> 
> The lying part is very unusual. No, not all men are like that. Did he get harshly punished a lot as a child?


YES to both. He was abused and neglected. His mother is rather cult-ish in her religion, very weird around sexuality (she's basically bat**** crazy).

It was only a few years ago that his brother whistle blew on what had gone on. Up until then my husband convinced me he had a wonderful childhood. He now is more open about that but finds it hard to talk about, but does better with his brother. (I realise now that abuse causes even adult children a great deal of shame). 

No solution but I feel I have tried everything (maybe?)


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

peacem said:


> He also lies about weird things for no reason. He chalks this up to being a 'private person'.
> 
> E.g. Asked him about his day at work and whether he managed to get out at lunch time. He said 'no - snowed under ate my lunch at my desk.'. Later my daughter told me she saw him in town (she was on a bus). So I asked him again - 'did you go out at all at lunch time?' he replied 'no - IN all day'. When I told him our daughter had seen him he said he didn't know why he lied - he's just 'private'.
> 
> ...


Okay, so THAT'S weird.

Sounds like his lying isn't specifically to hide things from you, rather that it's like he wants to avoid conversations and explanations (no matter how simple they are). Telling you he stayed in at lunch ends the conversation. Telling you he went out at lunch means more conversation. I went here, did this, bought something, bumped into so-and-so, etc.

It seems like he has an extreme need to keep things to himself, almost like an obsession.

Reminds me of my ex father in law. He used to keep a never-ending supply of a certain chocolate bar under his pillow. When he was growing up, his parents didn't allow him to eat this chocolate bar (amongst other things. They were quite strict). So the negativity towards this one chocolate bar stuck with him throughout his adulthood, and he continued to hide them. He was an otherwise normal guy. But I remember my ex wife telling me this story way back when, and I thought it was the oddest thing. Mainly because he didn't have to hide it, yet he continued to.

Maybe your husband was given NO privacy at all growing up. His parents had to know everything about him, helicopter-parented him, went through his things, etc. and this is the way he copes - being obsessively private.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I don't believe this has anything to do with being a male. I am a rather private person, but my views or actions towards sex don't even mirror closely to his.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

alexm said:


> Maybe your husband was given NO privacy at all growing up. His parents had to know everything about him, helicopter-parented him, went through his things, etc. and this is the way he copes - being obsessively private.


Yes! He shared a tiny bedroom with 3 brothers, 1 bathroom between 7. His mother is excessively nosy and stalkerish, controlled every detail of his life - no choices. He is the type of person who, on a perfect day, likes to walk up a mountain alone, sit there and come back down again. He says that is because he never had any privacy or alone time. 

Thank you. :smile2:


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## MSalmoides (Sep 29, 2016)

...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There are a couple of similarities between your husband and my ex-husband. 

My ex-husband was a very handsome man but ridiculously shy around women. However, that didn't stop him from cheating (my guess is that he was probably not the one pursuing but who knows). Hopefully, that's not true with your husband but don't do as I did and think he would never cheat because he's so shy. I couldn't have been more wrong in my case. 

Chronic lying about anything and everything (not just cheating) was a big part of his life. That went back to never being able to please his mother but it carried over to our marriage and did a lot of damage. I was unable to trust that what he said was true. We had many discussions about that over the decades and he would promise he would stop but he never did. 

Sex was an issue but that was due to me primarily (he was very high drive and I had no drive whatsoever). However, that was a subject in general that he didn't like discussing in any meaningful way except for rare instances. Again, I think that probably went back to him mother shaming him about everything imaginable when he was growing up. He was uncomfortable about so much in life which in turn made me uncomfortable. 

We were incompatible in practically every way and we were never able to work it out. After a very long marriage, it became too much and I got out. Hopefully, your issues can be solved.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

peacem said:


> Yes! He shared a tiny bedroom with 3 brothers, 1 bathroom between 7. His mother is excessively nosy and stalkerish, controlled every detail of his life - no choices. He is the type of person who, on a perfect day, likes to walk up a mountain alone, sit there and come back down again. He says that is because he never had any privacy or alone time.
> 
> Thank you. :smile2:


Well there you go.

I don't get the impression he lies or hides things from you because he's doing something he wouldn't want you to find out about - more that it's just how he's always had to live his life. Old habits die hard, but in this case, it's not habit per se, it was survival for him.

So when you ask him what he did at lunch, it's an insta-flashback to 20 questions with his mother. He learned, back then, to answer in a way that doesn't invite any more questions, and usually the easiest way to do that is to lie. The interesting thing is that, although what he did at lunch wasn't out of the ordinary, or anything he actually wanted to hide from you, it's just the simplest way to make any sort of line of questioning stop. "Nothing, snowed in, ate lunch at my desk". No further questions.

It's not that he doesn't trust you, it's that he has an obsessive need to protect his privacy, because he was afforded absolutely none for the first 18 or more years of his life.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

peacem said:


> As far as sex is concerned, is being very 'private' something usual/unusual with men?


Not that I've ever seen, lol. At least not the normal ones. IME, the only people who won't look forward to sex are those who either have mental problems or who were repressed as children (i.e., toxic parents).

Either way, they won't ever change, not without extensive therapy.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Openminded said:


> There are a couple of similarities between your husband and my ex-husband.
> 
> Hopefully, that's not true with your husband but don't do as I did and think he would never cheat because he's so shy. I couldn't have been more wrong in my case.


Practically speaking I am 90% sure he isn't unfaithful, not just because he's hopeless with women but because he is either at work or home. 

However, I don't really trust him if I am honest. A few years ago lots of crazy things was happening online with him. I admit I used to snoop because he was so secretive. Although finding porn was fairly normal, I also found an unsubscribe email to a website where people 'flirt' (he always clears his email but forgets to clear the SEND box :|). The website no longer exists so I'm not sure exactly what kind of thing it was but it was called 'wanna flirt' or something like that. He absolutely denied it and looked me straight in the eye to say it was completely innocent but could not remember what it was - probably spam (I have never unsubscribed to spam email). Later he admitted he had been 'stupid' but wouldn't talk about it any further. Also when I talk about threads that I read on TAM regarding online infidelity he tells me that it only counts in RL - which TAM certainly does not agree with. Bottom line - in RL he would never pursue another woman, but he is very comfortable online, to a point I don't recognise him. (Does that make sense?)


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Try looking up Asperger's on wiki.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

peacem said:


> Bottom line - in RL he would never pursue another woman, but he is very comfortable online, to a point I don't recognise him. (Does that make sense?)


It's because he feels safer as it's anonymous. I get that. I think that I'm a private person IRL. Yet, I've shared things on TAM that I would NEVER share IRL (with the exception of maybe my best friend). It's because I feel like I can be more open since no one knows who I really am.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

So, it sounds like the lying is probably a result of having no privacy and being continually interrogated by his mother. He probably is just in the habit of keeping everything to himself. What began as protecting his private world, his thoughts, his actions, from being co-opted by his mother's prying, has morphed into keeping everything to himself. And to lying about things just to shut down conversation and questions - to keep things for his own. He hoards himself - thoughts, words, feelings, actions - rather than objects. 

And, because his family of origin what so toxic, he probably has a lot of shame surrounding all things sexual. I can imagine that a mother such as his might take every opportunity to question, criticize, pry and generally embarrass and shame developing young sons about the natural course of things during puberty. So, not only was there a lack of privacy surrounding his budding sexuality, there was likely also a lot of shaming of any indications of that same sexuality. He's in the habit of feeling intense shame about his normal sexual desires and feeling a desperate need to keep his sexuality to himself - as something that's his that cannot be taken away. So, you get the push-pull you've been dealing with. 

But do be aware that someone who's expressed the ideas he has about infidelity not being real unless it's in person is the mindset of someone who is, or may be, unfaithful - and thinks they have a right to be. I'm guessing he may feel that anything you don't know about, which is a lot because he's hoarding himself, is _his!_ and simply none of your business. And that's going to include any extramarital relationships, whether online or in person. I am not saying he is or has been unfaithful. I am saying that his mindset on this is something to be aware of as a potential issue within the marriage.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

syhoybenden said:


> Try looking up Asperger's on wiki.


Thank you. Wow TAM is on the ball today. My son is autistic and my husband from the get go is convinced he is on the spectrum. My FIL is definitely high functioning Aspergers.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

peacem said:


> YES to both. He was abused and neglected. His mother is rather cult-ish in her religion, very weird around sexuality (she's basically bat**** crazy).


I think he lies out of habit. He's so accustomed to being punished anytime his mother had information on him. The punishments were capricious. He learned to hide as much information from her as possible. So if you ask him about what he did for lunch, a little trigger goes off in his head that says "I better not tell." He automatically gives the least provocative answer.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

peacem said:


> * he will listen to my needs, but will not share his. I am a poor guesser. *
> 
> As far as sex is concerned, is being very 'private' something usual/unusual with men?
> 
> (Married 21 years - no current sexual dysfunction).


 @peacem if you have had your husband tested for autism, and he scored fairly high... the problem is not necessarily that he is a 'private' person but much more likely that he simply struggles to communicate with you on an intimate level. He likely knows that intimate forms of communication are something that can easily make him uncomfortable simply because of this struggle, and it is just "easy" to instead tell you that those things are _private_ for him to make you stop prodding and poking into these areas of his subconscious.

Does my wife ever ask about my fantasies and put me through inquisitions? NO, not really, only about once a year or so! In the rare instances that she would, it was never easy for me to be completely open and honest. ONLY through my struggles to learn what things she liked and to get her to communicate those with me did it teach me a 20-year lesson on how important it is to just be completely open with your spouse and calmly talk about everything. I get it now, but I did not and was guilty of redirecting her attention so we could discuss other things. 

As for your guessing and not being good at it, that is just your self conscious playing tricks on you. You know exactly what things get him really excited, but you are also aware that he easily gets uncomfortable when you make him that vulnerable.

My 2¢

Badsanta


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

peacem said:


> YES to both. He was abused and neglected. His mother is rather cult-ish in her religion, very weird around sexuality (she's basically bat**** crazy).
> 
> It was only a few years ago that his brother whistle blew on what had gone on. Up until then my husband convinced me he had a wonderful childhood. He now is more open about that but finds it hard to talk about, but does better with his brother. (I realise now that abuse causes even adult children a great deal of shame).
> 
> No solution but I feel I have tried everything (maybe?)


Get him in touch with this man. He specializes in Toxic Shame and how to move past it:
HEALING THE SHAME THAT BINDS YOU - NY Times Best Selling Book

He doesn't do counseling anymore, but you could get sent to the right people. He has DEEP psychological issues that require professional help.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

peacem said:


> Practically speaking I am 90% sure he isn't unfaithful, not just because he's hopeless with women but because he is either at work or home.
> 
> However, I don't really trust him if I am honest. A few years ago lots of crazy things was happening online with him. I admit I used to snoop because he was so secretive. Although finding porn was fairly normal, I also found an unsubscribe email to a website where people 'flirt' (he always clears his email but forgets to clear the SEND box :|). The website no longer exists so I'm not sure exactly what kind of thing it was but it was called 'wanna flirt' or something like that. He absolutely denied it and looked me straight in the eye to say it was completely innocent but could not remember what it was - probably spam (I have never unsubscribed to spam email). Later he admitted he had been 'stupid' but wouldn't talk about it any further. Also when I talk about threads that I read on TAM regarding online infidelity he tells me that it only counts in RL - which TAM certainly does not agree with. Bottom line - in RL he would never pursue another woman, but he is very comfortable online, to a point I don't recognise him. (Does that make sense?)


Yeah, that sounds familiar. Unfortunately. Many men only believe infidelity is PIV to completion and nothing else counts. That enables them to feel they aren't cheating when they are. 

My ex-husband was totally focused on his career and traveled a lot. His cheating took place when he traveled and took along women who reported to him (all legitimate). Perfect setup. He was a brilliant man with a genius level IQ (and IMO on the spectrum) but he had little common sense. And absolutely none when it came to women. Very easily manipulated. All he ever admitted to (even when I had conclusive proof) was "some mistakes" -- he never admitted to cheating because if it wasn't PIV to completion then it didn't matter what else it was. 

When they often lie about little things that makes it difficult to believe them about big things. I don't miss that time.


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