# My husband has been ****ing another woman for over a year



## mel7 (May 17, 2017)

My husband, who I have been married to for 12 years has been having an affair with a woman for at least 18 months. I don't know what the worst part it... that he's having an affair, that our marriage is a lie, or that his MOTHER (who I hate) had to tell me. 

My wretched MIL who raised my POS husband has known for A YEAR AND A HALF that my husband is having an affair. And she CASUALLY dropped that bomb on me yesterday when she came over to see our kids. "Your floor needs to be mopped and the kids toys are everywhere, that must be stressful for the kids and nothing Dan should have to come home to. Oh hey by the way do you know that your husband, my perfect darling son that you ****ed up and stole from me, is out banging some ***** right now because you suck as a wife and are draining the life out of him?" Ok, that isn't exactly what she said but damn near close enough and might as well have. Then, had the nerve to ask, nay demand, if she could take our kids for the night (tonight) so I can talk to her precious son in peace, without our kids that I forced onto him, about his ***** and how he was forced to go to her because I'm such a horrible wife. Poor him. And had the ****ing audacity to inform me that she has MET my husband's ***** and that she is NICE and PRETTY. 

I called my husband approximately 501 times and he didn't answer. At first I thought his mother had reached a new low of trying to sabotage our marriage. He didn't answer. We have kids, someone could be ****ing dead. I tore the ****ing house apart searching for anything that confirmed what the devil said. 

Right now at this very moment he is suppose to be up at our lake working on the plumbing at our cottage so we can go up this weekend. Funny, because the ****ING KEYS to the cottage are in his coat pocket right now and there is a charge on his credit card to a plumbing company. Am I allowed to kill him? Or hope he hasn't answered because he's dead in the woods somewhere?

He is suppose to come home in 3 hours. If he even will. I'm sure his innocent mother told him that I know now. Her life isn't fulfilled unless she is sitting in the middle of our life and problems. All of his clothes are in garbage bags sitting on the step and I want to change the locks. That feels like I'm letting him off too easily. What, I already did the packing for him and just send him off to his ***** with a smile and wave goodbye? I'd set the bags on fire if it wasn't a city violation.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

You gotta get yourself under control. Be cold, calculating and on point. Call a lawyer, start working on closing credit cards and get your stuff together.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*There's one very easy way to rid yourself of both him and his overbearing mother ~ file for divorce against his sorry a$$!

Sounds like an unpassable "two for one deal" to me!*


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Ha, you sound just like me when I found out. Have you got evidence? My only regret when I kicked him out was that I didn't demand to see everything - all the evidence - and make copies of it before he was gone and had a chance to delete everything. My husband was set up on a bunch of sex sites, and later on it would have been helpful if I'd been able to see what messages he was sending and receiving.

I know you're upset of course, but do try and calm down. Can the kids go somewhere? They should NOT be there for this. 

You will need a dr visit (for STD testing) and a lawyer visit. But that's in a couple days. Right now you need to get someone to take your kids for a couple of days and you need to take care of yourself. You won't want to eat, you won't be able to sleep.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Holy crap... yes, calm down. You don't want to end up in jail or dead. 

Let's focus... How was your marriage before finding out? Was it sexless? Trying to see if the marriage is worth a 5% chance of saving or was it a sham to begin with.

Do you know who the woman is yet? You need to get this information. She's probably married too and you need to expose her.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You need to keep yourself together. Keep calm. I understand how angry you are at this time. Your MIL & your husband are pieces of art. Really sorry you are here, especially that you have children to look after. See an attorney as soon as you can. Take care of yourself as you will need to focus on tasks to be done. Don't rugsweep anything. Keep posting at TAM, even if you're just venting. It will help you to cope with your most difficult times.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@mel7, Sorry you had to seek us out, but glad you found us.

Remember, we are here for you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow, what a HORRIBLE MIL! What a beotch! Dont let her take the kids with her, she may likely not bring them back. As for your husband, good for you for packing up his crap, dont let him stay! Also make sure you dont speak to your MIL when you are making plans on your divorce.


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## mel7 (May 17, 2017)

My kids are with a good friend of mine. No chance in hell I'd let my MIL take them, she probably wouldn't give them back. Or will turn them into mini versions of her **** up son. Of course my family live across the North Atlantic after I moved to this godforsaken country to let my husband be closer to his mummy. I want my husband to show up so I can go ballistic, and don't want him to show up because I never want to see him again. But I'll have to because I picked such a prime candidate to father my kids. 

The only proof I have is his mother's statement, and the keys to the cottage being at home when there are no extra keys. I searched everywhere and everything and couldn't find anything. If he has been able to hide it for over a year he's probably good at it. I have no idea how long he's been with his *****. Just that it's been AT LEAST 18 months. For all I know she was in the picture before I was and they have 20 kids together. Maybe if I had his phone I'd find something but at this point I'm sure he deleted everything. Not that details matter when he's screwing someone who isn't his wife. Or maybe she is and I'm not really. 

Our marriage was ****ty. Frequent but ****ty sex. No time spent together. No affection. Selfishness. All on his end.


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## mel7 (May 17, 2017)

Let's focus... How was your marriage before finding out? Was it sexless? Trying to see if the marriage is worth a 5% chance of saving or was it a sham to begin with.

Do you know who the woman is yet? You need to get this information. She's probably married too and you need to expose her.

I'll try this again. The beginning of our marriage was good aside from him having one cheating incident that we could still argue about on if it was cheating or not. I let it go eventually and our marriage was good. We had ups and downs but it wasn't as bad as it is now. For the last 3 years my husband has been selfish in every way. He doesn't want to help around the house, doesn't want to help much with the kids, anything in the bedroom is all about him. He doesn't want to go out together and we haven't had a date in years. He doesn't want to even go to the store with me so I have to go alone with the kids and take 5x longer to get the shopping done. He doesn't want affection. From me. He's getting it elsewhere so why would he need it from me when he has the newer better model. I don't know who she is, only her first name which my MIL told me. I don't want to be married to him. I'd like to do a lot of other things but being married to him isn't one of them.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Mel7, how old are your children? How old are you and your husband? Do you have access to your bank accounts? Calm yourself down and go through your bank statements. You need to make sure that you have finances to support you and your children & will have resources in this difficult time.

If he comes around, don't scare him and be calm. You need to get answers. Who is this Other Woman? You need to get as much information as you can. You don't have to accommodate him at all. As you have his bags packed up already, tell him to go somewhere else as you need the peace to hear yourself think. Meanwhile, get an appointment to see an attorney.

You need to be calm, so that you can anlyze your situation properly. You need to have a plan to end your misery. You will get advice from many individuals in TAM who have been in your shoes before. Weigh their advice carefully as it applies to you.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Mel7, can you tell us in detail how his first affair was discovered & the details as how you dealt with the situation? It appears that the affair was rugswept and not dealt with properly. Your details with this first affair can make us draw our hypotheses as to his pattern of cheating. We can see a wider picture of your present situation. Perhaps, this will help with the advice that individuals will post to give you. Really sorry that you are here.


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## mel7 (May 17, 2017)

Our kids are 2, 2, 5, 6 and 8. Two biological and 3 adopted. My husband is 39, I'm 35. Married 12 years. Our bank accounts are separate but I can login to both and see what is in them and being spent. He has no access to mine, because he pays no attention to me and even now has no idea what my passwords are to anything. Financially it's going to suck until things get sorted out. It's not like we're going to be on the street starving, I work, but we're a two income family and need that to be comfortable. 

What good will it do to know who she is? Other than to torture myself on the details. Younger, prettier, better. I don't know how I will possibly be able to be calm with him. I have never been this pissed off in my life, and I know it's going to come crashing down at some point and turn into devastation. It has to. All I want is him and his family out of my life. Unfortunately part of his family is my babies. 

When my husband and I had been married for 3 months we had a temporary long distance marriage. It lasted 2 months and we were in different countries. My husband had a "close friend" whom he had hooked up with in the past before our relationship. I have never met her. While we were apart this friend stayed with him sometimes, never admitted how often, and swore there was no cheating. He admitted that they slept in the same bed and cuddled but swore it was only as friends and there was no sex or kissing. He doesn't consider even that cheating, I do. Especially because I don't trust that it didn't go past cuddling and spooning all night. We fought about it for quite a while, by the end of our first year of marriage I dropped it. He was always telling me the same story, swearing it was true and I felt like I was being insecure. He told me about it casually, otherwise I never would have known or found out. He hasn't talked to her since.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sounds like you'd be well rid of him. 

Let OW have him and pity her..... Nobody knows better then you what she's getting.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Wow, that's a lot of young kids to care for. Please seek a lawyer ASAP. Your kids need his income from him if nothing else. 

Kill three birds with one stone: your sham of a marriage, your soon to be X, and you MIL from hell!


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Mel7, it's good to know that you have your own job & has a separate bank account. As for the Other Woman, information about her would be part of your arsenal. Don't worry about her being younger or prettier. What you need to know is her marital status & whether your husband has provided for her financially as paying her bills, buying her valuable assets such as property. What he gives her is part of your marital assets and your attorney will need to know. You also need to know if she is a friend, a co-worker, or stranger. You'll need to know who your friends and foes are. You already know that your MIL is your #1 foe. Make a list.

You'll need to keep your calm so that your mindset is in the right track. You'll get sound advice in TAM. The more information you can give, the better advice you will get from posters.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

mel7 said:


> He admitted that they slept in the same bed and cuddled but swore it was only as friends and there was no sex or kissing. He doesn't consider even that cheating, I do.


Yep. That's cheating. Find me a man who would be okay with his wife cuddling with someone. Not gonna happen. 




mel7 said:


> Especially because I don't trust that it didn't go past cuddling and spooning all night.


Of course that would be the natural assumption. To think otherwise would be foolish.




mel7 said:


> We fought about it for quite a while, by the end of our first year of marriage I dropped it. He was always telling me the same story, swearing it was true and I felt like I was being insecure. He told me about it casually, otherwise I never would have known or found out. He hasn't talked to her since.


Of course this would be a huge source of insecurity. Let's say, just for sake of argument that it is true, nothing beyond cuddling. Any man will still realize this is a huge violation of trust and not do it in the first place, and if failing that, never ever ever try to dismiss or minimize his legitimate partner's feelings on the subject. 

Red flag city right from the get-go here. 

Sorry if this seems pointed, but I have to ask: why did you adopt all those children into an obviously troubled marriage?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

So sorry for you and the kids.

Get to your attorney, you will need one. He and his mother are ahead in information.

Hope you find out who she is. She is not better than you and not a better model.

she is messing with your family and the problem is your H. He has a momma's boy problem and lack of morals. He is selfish, but you knew that.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Holy CRAP he's a friggin piece of work isn't he?!?!?! That incident early in your marriage was him blatantly lying to your face over and over and over!! You sound very determined now, but WHY did you let that incident go?

If you don't need to know then that's fine. He's going to lie his face off again, you know. He's gonna make YOU look like the bad guy, tell you he never did anything, threaten to take the kids, all kinds of crap. BE PREPARED for this. He sounds like a narcissist of the highest order. Also be prepared for him to not leave. You probably can't legally kick him out, but you shouldn't leave either. Don't do so till you talk to a lawyer.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

mel7 said:


> Our kids are 2, 2, 5, 6 and 8. Two biological and 3 adopted. My husband is 39, I'm 35. Married 12 years. Our bank accounts are separate but I can login to both and see what is in them and being spent. He has no access to mine, because he pays no attention to me and even now has no idea what my passwords are to anything. Financially it's going to suck until things get sorted out. It's not like we're going to be on the street starving, I work, but we're a two income family and need that to be comfortable.
> 
> What good will it do to know who she is? Other than to torture myself on the details. Younger, prettier, better. I don't know how I will possibly be able to be calm with him. I have never been this pissed off in my life, and I know it's going to come crashing down at some point and turn into devastation. It has to. All I want is him and his family out of my life. Unfortunately part of his family is my babies.
> 
> When my husband and I had been married for 3 months we had a temporary long distance marriage. It lasted 2 months and we were in different countries. My husband had a "close friend" whom he had hooked up with in the past before our relationship. I have never met her. While we were apart this friend stayed with him sometimes, never admitted how often, and swore there was no cheating. He admitted that they slept in the same bed and cuddled but swore it was only as friends and there was no sex or kissing. He doesn't consider even that cheating, I do. Especially because I don't trust that it didn't go past cuddling and spooning all night. We fought about it for quite a while, by the end of our first year of marriage I dropped it. He was always telling me the same story, swearing it was true and I felt like I was being insecure. He told me about it casually, otherwise I never would have known or found out. He hasn't talked to her since.


Sorry but you dont lie on a bed and cuddle with someone who is just a friend. Its hard to believe the selfishness of a man with all those children depending on him. :frown2: 

I feel so much for you and especially for all your children, 3 of whom have already been rejected by their birth parents. 
Get good legal advise as he will need to pay a LOT of child support and with your wage as well you will manage. OK money will be tight but make sure he pays a good amount. 
How do you manage working with 2 two year olds?

His mother sounds just awful, and the fact that she met the other woman is just appalling. His 'pretty' new lady may not be so keen on him when he hasn't got much money because he has all those children to support for the next 16 or so years. 

In your place I would lock the door so he cant get in(with a bolt or whatever you have) and let him take his stuff and be gone. Get the locks changed asap, and see a lawyer.


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

MIL at least told her, which is something I suppose.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> I feel so much for you and especially for all your children, 3 of whom have already been rejected by their birth parents.


There are hundreds of ways that children can get adoptive parents.

To assume that they were rejected by their birth parents is judgmental and uncalled for.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

mel7 said:


> When my husband and I had been married for 3 months we had a temporary long distance marriage. It lasted 2 months and we were in different countries. My husband had a "close friend" whom he had hooked up with in the past before our relationship. I have never met her. While we were apart this friend stayed with him sometimes, never admitted how often, and swore there was no cheating. *He admitted that they slept in the same bed and cuddled but swore it was only as friends and there was no sex or kissing.* He doesn't consider even that cheating, I do. Especially because I don't trust that it didn't go past cuddling and spooning all night. We fought about it for quite a while, by the end of our first year of marriage I dropped it. He was always telling me the same story, swearing it was true and I felt like I was being insecure. He told me about it casually, otherwise I never would have known or found out. He hasn't talked to her since.


I have a few close friends that I know I could call on if I needed somewhere to stay. When I meet my female friends we usually hug. The idea of sharing the bed would not even occur and you don't cuddle and spoon with someone you are not in a relationship with. I think you were fed a half truth to keep you quiet.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Mel.

Ask your MIL how she could do this to her grandchildren. Both your H and OW are doing the worst thing imaginable to your kids destroying their family.

Your Mother in laws to do list.

1) Feel good about myself by putting others down.
2) Always feel that I'm right
3) Aid and abet the destruction of my grandkids family


Tamat


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## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

Oh my god, I'm so sorry 

A lot of people are advising you to keep calm. I agree that you should keep your wits about you and plan and go on the offensive, but being this angry is a normal, healthy, adaptive response to being mistreated so egregiously. Nothing wrong with being furious. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Mel7

How are you doing? I'm hoping you have calmed down somewhat and that you are trying to think clearly. Use your anger as a motivational tool to move forward.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

veganmermaid said:


> Oh my god, I'm so sorry
> 
> A lot of people are advising you to keep calm. I agree that you should keep your wits about you and plan and go on the offensive, but being this angry is a normal, healthy, adaptive response to being mistreated so egregiously. Nothing wrong with being furious.
> 
> ...


And when you feel calm and collected NUKE HIS SORRY ASS


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Abc


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

mel7 said:


> He admitted that they slept in the same bed and cuddled but swore it was only as friends and there was no sex or kissing. He doesn't consider even that cheating, I do. Especially because I don't trust that it didn't go past cuddling and spooning all night.


Obviously, he banged her...only an idiot would believe otherwise. Look, your husband is a SERIAL cheater. 

Dump him NOW, he's trash. Find a GOOD man. Don't be a fool an attempt to reconcile. He's not worth it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

WonkyNinja said:


> There are hundreds of ways that children can get adoptive parents.
> 
> To assume that they were rejected by their birth parents is judgmental and uncalled for.


Most children up for adoption are either rejected by their own parents, or they had birth parents who were otherwise neglectful or abusive or on drugs or whatever. Why do you think they are up for adoption???


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Most children up for adoption are either rejected by their own parents, or they had birth parents who were otherwise neglectful or abusive or on drugs or whatever. Why do you think they are up for adoption???


Well there could be:



Mother (or both parents) were very young and decided that they would not be able to provide the level of care that the children needed.
One or both parents convicted and/or incarcerated and the children became a ward of the state
One or both parents became addicted and the state decided that they were unfit to parent
Child was born out of wedlock and the mother and/or her family gave the child for adoption rather than risk being ridiculed or shunned by their own judgmental church or religion.
Parents incapacitated or deceased and no other family members willing or able to become guardians.
and many many others. None of which involve the parents rejecting the children, with the exception of #4 perhaps where the parent views the opinions of their peers as more important than their child's need for a parent. Number 1 would be a terribly difficult decision for a young mother to make and in my mind shows that she values her child's happiness higher than her own.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Well, Mel7 how are you doing today?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

WonkyNinja said:


> Well there could be:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Some of those things are what I mentioned anyway!Whatever has happened to these children its not good, and that was my point, they do not deserve more upset.


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## mel7 (May 17, 2017)

I’ll try and have better language this time. 

My husband came home when he was suppose to. He walked in and asked like he had no ****ing clue why there was garbage bags on the porch. He hasn’t stopped lying since. Why the **** can’t he just tell me the truth? 

My husbands story:
-He has never cheated on me, not now or at the beginning of our marriage
-His phone was dead, which is why he didn’t answer when I called 43 times. 
-I pointed out that his phone RANG so it was not dead, oops he forgot. He misplaced it.
-He didn’t call me back because he didn’t check his phone after finding it and came straight home.
-He called a plumber to finish the job because he was unable to, never been a problem in the previous 10 years. 
-He had an extra set of keys copied, which is why he didn’t take the other set. Couldn’t show me them because he left them hidden under the deck at the cottage. 
-He has no idea who his mom is talking about but he has never introduced her to anyone
-Then decided oh wait, he has introduced her to a co-worker that they ran into while out for lunch
-Our marriage has sucked for the last 3 years because I’ve changed and won’t talk to him about the problems or work with him. 
-I am having an affair and projecting.
-He would not let me look at his cellphone or tablet. 
-Then the next morning let me have full access but BOTH had been factory reset
-He said it was because they both had an update and it must have messed up
-He won’t agree to a divorce and doesn’t think we need one, I just need to try harder
-He won’t leave the house 

I KNOW that he is lying. 23-year-old me might have accepted it and moved on but that’s not happening this time. I let it go before because I was naive. We had been together for 5 years, newly married, I didn’t expect that. Now, 17 years later, I’m not accepting that information and waiting another 12 years for it to come up again. 

As far as I’m aware, I need PROOF that he had an affair if I want to divorce him and if he did, I cannot live in the same house as him for more than 6 months. I don't have proof other than his bat-**** crazy mother. If he won’t give me anything and will not leave. I don’t know what to do. Of course everything is closed when you need it. Maybe on grounds of unreasonable behaviour but I don’t know what proof I’d need for that.


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## mel7 (May 17, 2017)

The only one who abandoned our children is my husband. My 3 children who were adopted were not unwanted by their birth parents. One of my children was lovingly and selflessly placed for adoption because birth mum was unable to provide what she felt the child deserved. She is an adult and the decision was devastating for her, made selflessly for her child. We have an open adoption and she visits monthly. Our other two adopted children are siblings. They were adopted internationally after both of their parents died and there was no one to who could properly care for them. Both also have/had non-life threatening conditions that had no treatment in their country but have been treated here.


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## AlastairfromSupernatural (May 20, 2017)

You're British, right Mel? And you moved over to either the States or Canada to be with your husband, only for him to pull that crap on you? Jesus, that sucks. You need to divorce him. He is obviously lying. There is no way he is not lying, with what you posted. Get a lot of child support, and alimony.


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## mel7 (May 17, 2017)

I'm Canadian, I moved to England for my husband because he wanted to move back. His family was more important than mine. We moved here 11 years, 8 months ago. I'm not very familiar with divorce law here, I didn't think I would ever need it. I am trying to figure it out but it seems to need grounds for divorce, such as adultery with proof of that. I don't have a lot of free time on my hands to figure things out. When I do have a moment of peace when the kids are in bed I'm so tired that I can't read straight and it's too late to call for legal advice. I still haven't figured out the legal system here, I think I need to find a family solicitor. Not exactly something I can ask my husband... If he ever really was my husband.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Mel as you want further proof, you know who the plumbers are for your cottage. Ask them for the type of job they did and for the costs. You know that your husband is lying and cheating. The information that you gather here, is just part of your arsenal. I don't think you need more proof. You know your husband by now. So sorry you are here.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

You can't take 15 minutes out of your day to call someone to make an appointment? Of course you can. Bring your kids if you have to. You're clearly overwhelmed and unable to think clearly about the baby steps you can start taking to get yourself away from this toxic man. 

In the mean time, stop talking to him. 180. Detach. If he starts a conversation, say, "I know the truth. We can talk when you're ready to be honest." End the conversation. Leave the room. Shut him down. You're spending far too much energy spinning your wheels just to hear him lie so stop. Only listen when he's honest.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mel, I'm sorry for what you are going through. I know this is hard.

It might serve you well to act as though you buy his lies for the moment.

But do not have sex with him. If you know that he is cheating, and you have sex, you cannot use the cheating as grounds for divorce.

Hire a private investigator if you can afford it and have him followed.

You can also put a gps on his car to see where he is going. Can you track his location via his cell phone?

You have her first name. Did his mother give you any further info about her? Is it possible that she works with your husband?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow, every single thing that came out of his mouth was a bull**** lie. To me, the biggest tell is that his phone and tablet were reset when he finally let you look at them. I agree with Ele that you should probably let him think you believe him for the moment, so maybe you can gather some intel. Otherwise my suggestion is to go with your gut and move forward with divorce as things stand now if your feelings are that strong, and dont worry about proof. You dont have to have proof of anything to get divorced. All of his actions are screaming "guilty".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is a site for you about divorce in the UK


https://www.gov.uk/divorce/grounds-for-divorce


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

mel7 said:


> I'm Canadian, I moved to England for my husband because he wanted to move back. His family was more important than mine. We moved here 11 years, 8 months ago. I'm not very familiar with divorce law here, I didn't think I would ever need it. I am trying to figure it out but it seems to need grounds for divorce, such as adultery with proof of that. I don't have a lot of free time on my hands to figure things out. When I do have a moment of peace when the kids are in bed I'm so tired that I can't read straight and it's too late to call for legal advice. I still haven't figured out the legal system here, I think I need to find a family solicitor. Not exactly something I can ask my husband... If he ever really was my husband.


I am British. You can divorce for unreasonable behavior and it doesn't need to be for something really serious. The reasons my husband's ex gave were laughable(she was having a relationship with another man at the time), but as long as the spouse doesn't contest it you should be ok. Otherwise, you can divorce after a 2-year separation if both agree, or 5 years if the spouse doesn't agree. It's all online if/when you have the time to look it up. 
It's a sad state, but from the things he has said its very hard to think he isn't lying. Just too many poor excuses there. If he refuses to leave and you have the room, move out of the bedroom, that may help with the divorce process. 
Yes, find a divorce solicitor. Some will give a free initial session. 
He can't stop you from ending the marriage, but he could make it difficult.


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## mel7 (May 17, 2017)

Roselyn said:


> Mel as you want further proof, you know who the plumbers are for your cottage. Ask them for the type of job they did and for the costs. You know that your husband is lying and cheating. The information that you gather here, is just part of your arsenal. I don't think you need more proof. You know your husband by now. So sorry you are here.


I did call the plumber, to ask what address they went to. Part of me wondered if it was even our cottage that was seen and not his *****'s house. It was ours. They said the job was very straightforward and there was no kinks. They charged the base rate and were out in an hour. Yet my husband said there was difficulties and he couldn't finish the job. I told him about that call and his reasoning was that he isn't a plumber so of course it was harder for him. He has done it himself every year, I know he's lying.



nekonamida said:


> You can't take 15 minutes out of your day to call someone to make an appointment? Of course you can. Bring your kids if you have to. You're clearly overwhelmed and unable to think clearly about the baby steps you can start taking to get yourself away from this toxic man.
> 
> In the mean time, stop talking to him. 180. Detach. If he starts a conversation, say, "I know the truth. We can talk when you're ready to be honest." End the conversation. Leave the room. Shut him down. You're spending far too much energy spinning your wheels just to hear him lie so stop. Only listen when he's honest.


When my kids are home from school, honestly no I don't have 15 minutes of peace and quiet to make a phone call. I have 5 young kids, two with additional needs. Bringing them with me to an appointment would be a nightmare. I can't focus with just my two-year-olds. Just writing this took hours of typing it up here and there and as I finish and post I have 2 two-year-olds hanging off me and pulling my hands away. I took Tuesday off so hopefully I will be able to figure some stuff out. My older kids will be at school and my two-year-olds go to a friend of mine while I'm at work. I'll have the day to myself. 

Dropping it is what he wants. That is what I did last time and he got away with it. I don't want to brush this under the rug as well. 



EleGirl said:


> Mel, I'm sorry for what you are going through. I know this is hard.
> 
> It might serve you well to act as though you buy his lies for the moment.
> 
> ...


I didn’t know about that. That’s good to know I suppose. I don’t plan on sleeping with him but he’s tried. 

A friend of mine told me about a program called Dr. Fone and it will recover whatever was on his phone and tablet when he factory reset them. Text messages, contacts, pictures, videos, call history, other documents. If I can get my hands on his phone and tablet again I’ll try that.

I don’t know how to track his phone. If he sees a program on there he’d delete it or factory reset again. We have the same model of cell phones so maybe that would make it easier. I’d buy a GPS and put it in his car? Something like this?
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Security-102-NANO-Magnetic-Personal-Tracking/dp/B00NB2KR66?th=1

I think she works with my husband. When he said he introduced him mum to a coworker that he ran into, I think that slipped more than he wanted it to. I wouldn’t be able to find anything out from his work though. He doesn’t work in an office so no one would see him with a woman and I don’t know anyone he works with. I’ve never spoken to or seen his boss. I don’t know how well I’ll be able to act as if I buy it. Especially going from level 10 anger to dropping it. 



3Xnocharm said:


> Wow, every single thing that came out of his mouth was a bull**** lie. To me, the biggest tell is that his phone and tablet were reset when he finally let you look at them. I agree with Ele that you should probably let him think you believe him for the moment, so maybe you can gather some intel. Otherwise my suggestion is to go with your gut and move forward with divorce as things stand now if your feelings are that strong, and dont worry about proof. You dont have to have proof of anything to get divorced. All of his actions are screaming "guilty".


I'm in England and what I've read says I need proof of infidelity. Unlike no-fault divorce were it doesn't matter why you're divorcing and they don't even listen to a reason. 

I wish I knew what the hell he was doing… What makes it worth our marriage and our family. I am constantly wondering, is it just sex? Does he love her? How long has it been going on? Does she know about me? Who is she? What does she look like? What makes her better? What makes her worth the path of destruction he’s left? Is he going to leave me for her? Have our kids met her? Has she been in our house? In my bed? If he wanted to be with her he’d want a divorce, but so far he is saying he doesn’t want a divorce so maybe it’s just sex?



Diana7 said:


> I am British. You can divorce for unreasonable behavior and it doesn't need to be for something really serious. The reasons my husband's ex gave were laughable(she was having a relationship with another man at the time), but as long as the spouse doesn't contest it you should be ok. Otherwise, you can divorce after a 2-year separation if both agree, or 5 years if the spouse doesn't agree. It's all online if/when you have the time to look it up.
> It's a sad state, but from the things he has said its very hard to think he isn't lying. Just too many poor excuses there. If he refuses to leave and you have the room, move out of the bedroom, that may help with the divorce process.
> Yes, find a divorce solicitor. Some will give a free initial session.
> He can't stop you from ending the marriage, but he could make it difficult.


If he disagrees with the unreasonable behaviour or I don’t have proof for cheating I’d have to wait 2 or 5 years to divorce him? He said he won’t agree to a divorce or let it go through. I don’t know how much he can actually stop it…


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

mel7 said:


> I did call the plumber, to ask what address they went to. Part of me wondered if it was even our cottage that was seen and not his *****'s house. It was ours. They said the job was very straightforward and there was no kinks. They charged the base rate and were out in an hour. Yet my husband said there was difficulties and he couldn't finish the job. I told him about that call and his reasoning was that he isn't a plumber so of course it was harder for him. He has done it himself every year, I know he's lying.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


He could challenge the unreasonable behavior thing, but it would cost him a lot of money and it's pretty pointless if you want to the marriage to end. One of the points you can put on the divorce petition is that he is cheating. I don't think he will fight that if he is. It seems pretty likely from what you have said. 

Do you know neighbors at the holiday home who may have seen her there with him?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is a link to a thread that addressed different methods of getting evidence of infidelity.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you tried calling his place of work and asking for her by name? If they put you through, you will know that most likely she works there.

The person who answers the phone might even say her last name... like

You: Could you please put me through to "Sue"?

Person on phone: do you mean "Sue Jones"?

Then you can hang up before she answers.

Have you tried doing a goggle search on the company name and her name? You might get something.

How many people work where your husband works?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Mel7
How good of an actress are you? *Arrange for a plan to get MIL to give you proof.* You may even consider you making your husband believe you believe him so you can set the trap.

Tell your MIL that you blew up at your husband but that he convinced you that he has not done what his mother told you and that means that the MIL lied. Tell her you and your husband are working on a much better marriage and will spending much more time together, and that that your husband convienced you that the MIL’s stories were all lies. That should get your Mil all worked up and crazy and talking a lot more about the betrayal.. T*ell your MIL that you do not want her to talk to you about any cheating unless she has PROOF to present to you.* Tell MIL that you believe your husband and not her because she just wants to break up your marriage but that you are determined to make your marriage much better and spend a LOT more time with your husband.

*Your MIL may get you all kinds of proof so that she can have her son all to herself*. Yes, I know that this is a gamble but what do you have to lose?

Use your smarts and acting ability to outsmart your evil MIL and your kockroach husband!


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

QFT!!!!!!!!




nekonamida said:


> You can't take 15 minutes out of your day to call someone to make an appointment? Of course you can. Bring your kids if you have to. You're clearly overwhelmed and unable to think clearly about the baby steps you can start taking to get yourself away from this toxic man.
> 
> In the mean time, stop talking to him. 180. Detach. If he starts a conversation, say, "I know the truth. We can talk when you're ready to be honest." End the conversation. Leave the room. Shut him down. You're spending far too much energy spinning your wheels just to hear him lie so stop. Only listen when he's honest.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

mel7 said:


> I’ll try and have better language this time.
> 
> My husband came home when he was suppose to. He walked in and asked like he had no ****ing clue why there was garbage bags on the porch. He hasn’t stopped lying since. Why the **** can’t he just tell me the truth?
> 
> ...


DO NOT listen to a word this man says. His mother's testimony is all you need to expose his affair to your family and everyone else. Get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the steps. Get support and pressure from decent family members who will rain on his party parade by questioning him on his behavior. Find out who the OW is an expose to her side as well. Affairs brought out to light often die a quick death once they are no longer secrecy and fun. 

Talk to a lawyer and file for a legal separation. He will need to move out of the home immediately. Do not help him find a new place- that is his problem now. You need to focus on caring for yourself and the kids. 

And I'd cut the MIL out of my life starting yesterday. She's an evil woman who doesn't respect you.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

First off sweetheart, welcome to TAM. We are so sorry for why you are here, and we want to help you. Your case is even worse with all those precious babies involved. A big warm cyber hug from me to you.

Your rage is completely understandable. I would feel exactly the same way. Your MIL undoubtably rides a broom everywhere. Horrid, horrid woman. 

I have been thinking about your post for the last 24 hours and the things I would personally try are:

1.) IF you think you could get your POS MIL to talk about it again, perhaps you can secretly tape that conversation (if that is legal by you).

2.) Scour his cell phone records. Order copies of all the texts, and the call logs for the last 18 months. My guess is you will get most of your answers quickly from that. See if you can find any evidence of an extra "burner" phone he may have hidden (bills, receipts, etc.) Scour his credit card bills and bank statements if you have access. Also be looking for him taking out unusual cash withdrawals. If he is smart, he isn't going to put a purchase on a credit or debit card for something like a hotel room. Or whatever gift he bought his ho for Valentine's Day, BUT, you can see if he rarely withdraws cash, and suddenly Feb 13 he pulls out a chunk of dough. You are in discovery mode now, and it's gonna take some work, and I know you have pretty much no time. I wish I could help you!!!!

3.) A VAR in his car, like yesterday. One in the bedroom at your cabin too. If it's close and accessible that is probably their favorite spot to bang.

4.) The 180 is imperative. If he won't leave, don't you leave either. STAY IN YOUR HOME. Freeze him completely out, so he gets nothing from you. No matter what, do not fall back into this duche canoe's arms. Make sure you get STD tested. 

5.). You must absolutely see a lawyer this week. S/he will have all the best advice on your situation and guide you down the correct path. 

6.) Hire a Private Investigator. Since you are so limited on time due to your tremendous amount of responsibilities, this would be a great idea. Let a professional handle it.

7.) Tell Mr. Romeo if he has nothing to hide and refuses to provide a amicable divorce, that you will believe him if he takes a lie detector test. He will agree initially, and then you will probably get the famous "parking lot confession".

8.) Self care. Sleep, eat healthy, exercise, avoid drinking, and spend quality time with your kids and any alone time you can grab. You are going to need to be stronger than ever to get through this.

Honey, you and your children deserve so much more. Rid yourself of this life sucking parasite and the woman from whence he came. Let his hobag sidepiece have him and his mother. Once you are divorced and healed, when you consider a future spouse, remember you really do marry the family. I'm in a second marriage, and my husbands family, primarily his mother, was a huge part of why I committed and married him, she and the rest of his family are simply wonderful people, and that is what YOU deserve. No matter what anyone says, inlaws do affect your life if you have contact with them, and parents are a huge influence. 

Mommy dearest must be SO proud of her honorable son, cheating on his loyal wife and FIVE KIDS for a year and a half. Plus she is condoning it and has been hiding it. Time to wash your hands of all of them. I know, easier said than done, right? 

You sound like a smart, strong woman. *You can do this*. Get as much family and friends involved as you can so they know exactly what he is, and so you have the emotional and physical (babysitting etc) help during this journey.

Post as often here as you need to, feel free to open new subjects as they arise so we can help you and they will stay current on the pages. I wish you the strength and absolute best in this terrible situation. One last hug....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Most children up for adoption are either rejected by their own parents, or they had birth parents who were otherwise neglectful or abusive or on drugs or whatever. Why do you think they are up for adoption???


We cannot possibly know.

Just because a parent cannot keep a child does not mean they have rejected it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

mel7 said:


> I'm Canadian, I moved to England for my husband because he wanted to move back. His family was more important than mine. We moved here 11 years, 8 months ago. I'm not very familiar with divorce law here, I didn't think I would ever need it. I am trying to figure it out but it seems to need grounds for divorce, such as adultery with proof of that. I don't have a lot of free time on my hands to figure things out. When I do have a moment of peace when the kids are in bed I'm so tired that I can't read straight and it's too late to call for legal advice. I still haven't figured out the legal system here, I think I need to find a family solicitor. Not exactly something I can ask my husband... If he ever really was my husband.


 @mel7, this link will be of initial help:-
https://www.gov.uk/divorce/overview


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> I am British. You can divorce for unreasonable behavior and it doesn't need to be for something really serious. The reasons my husband's ex gave were laughable(she was having a relationship with another man at the time), but as long as the spouse doesn't contest it you should be ok. Otherwise, you can divorce after a 2-year separation if both agree, or 5 years if the spouse doesn't agree. It's all online if/when you have the time to look it up.
> It's a sad state, but from the things he has said its very hard to think he isn't lying. Just too many poor excuses there. If he refuses to leave and you have the room, move out of the bedroom, that may help with the divorce process.
> Yes, find a divorce solicitor. Some will give a free initial session.
> He can't stop you from ending the marriage, but he could make it difficult.


In the UK divorce for adultery is much quicker. 



> Adultery
> Your husband or wife had sexual intercourse with someone else of the opposite sex.
> 
> The law recognises the act of adultery as sexual intercourse between a man and a woman.
> You can’t give adultery as a reason if you lived together as a couple for 6 months after you found out about it.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Unreasonable behaviour can only be used in cases of uncontested adultery. If he doesn't agree to all of her unreasonable behavior "points", then you'd have to go through the normal adultery petition.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Satya said:


> Unreasonable behaviour can only be used in cases of uncontested adultery. If he doesn't agree to all of her unreasonable behavior "points", then you'd have to go through the normal adultery petition.


That's an incomplete answer. 

Unreasonable behaviour can also include the following grounds:-
https://www.divorce-online.co.uk/DOL-Forum/threads/unreasonable-behaviour-examples.3028/


> The Respondent has been violent towards the Petitioner.
> The Respondent has threatened the Petitioner with physical violence or has been physically abusive.
> The Respondent has been verbally abusive towards the Petitioner.
> The Respondent drinks to excess, and when he is under the influence of alcohol he behaves in an unreasonable and aggressive manner.
> ...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Satya said:


> Unreasonable behaviour can only be used in cases of uncontested adultery. If he doesn't agree to all of her unreasonable behavior "points", then you'd have to go through the normal adultery petition.


That's not the case in the UK. Loads of things can be used to try and show unreasonable behaviour.They don't need to be serious things either. Some of them are laughable but the divorce isn't usually blocked whatever they say unless the other spouse contests it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> That's an incomplete answer.
> 
> Unreasonable behaviour can also include the following grounds:-
> https://www.divorce-online.co.uk/DOL-Forum/threads/unreasonable-behaviour-examples.3028/


Much less serious things than that can be used as well.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> That's not the case in the UK. Loads of things can be used to try and show unreasonable behaviour.They don't need to be serious things either. Some of them are laughable but the divorce isn't usually blocked whatever they say unless the other spouse contests it.


So... voting for UKIP qualifies for quickie divorce, on grounds of insanity?


>


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

mel7 said:


> As far as I’m aware, I need PROOF that he had an affair if I want to divorce him
> 
> -He would not let me look at his cellphone or tablet.
> -Then the next morning let me have full access but BOTH had been factory reset
> -He said it was because they both had an update and it must have messed up


Him refusing to give you his cell or tablet should be all you need to hear. And then, him offering them to you wiped the next morning. Please, that would be laughable if his explanation didn't insult your intelligence so much.

You have everything you need if you want to justifiably divorce him. You don't need a smoking gun.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

mel7 said:


> -His phone was dead, which is why he didn’t answer when I called 43 times.
> -I pointed out that his phone RANG so it was not dead, oops he forgot. He misplaced it.
> 
> *Changing story with new information - red flag.*
> ...


One needed a reset is a thin maybe but the chances of two devices needing a factory reset at the same time are pretty slim.

I'm an Android type and never had an update force a factory reset. My W is on iPhone and neither has she. The only times I've heard of updates messing up they 'brick' the phone (i.e. the phone is dead and needs dealer help to revive it.), one of my friends had this with the last two iOS updates to his iPhone.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I urge you to play dumb right now. Gather evidence, it can be found. I had a whole box full by the time I was done investigating. I also had my lawyer before I approach the ass for a divorce. Calm and calculating will win for you big time. I am so sorry you are here.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> That's an incomplete answer.
> 
> Unreasonable behaviour can also include the following grounds:-
> https://www.divorce-online.co.uk/DOL-Forum/threads/unreasonable-behaviour-examples.3028/


Thanks Matt, I knew it was incomplete, but this was a case of adultery, so was emphasizing that area. I am all too familiar with unreasonable behaviour.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> That's not the case in the UK. Loads of things can be used to try and show unreasonable behaviour.They don't need to be serious things either. Some of them are laughable but the divorce isn't usually blocked whatever they say unless the other spouse contests it.


See my response to Matt. My answer was taken too literally by you both but that's my fault for not being clear. I petitioned citing unreasonable behavior in my divorce, which had nothing to do with adultery. This post did, hence my brevity in response.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

OP? Are you still with us? How are you doing now?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Mel, how have things been with you? I hope you are well?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

aine said:


> Mel, how have things been with you? I hope you are well?


How's it going @mel7? 

I expect you are enjoying the lovely British summer weather? 

(To anyone outside Britain, that is an ironic joke that everyone who has ever spent time in Britain -and also in Ireland!- will understand!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> How's it going @mel7?
> 
> I expect you are enjoying the lovely British summer weather?
> 
> (To anyone outside Britain, that is an ironic joke that everyone who has ever spent time in Britain -and also in Ireland!- will understand!


An old guy in Ireland told me once If you can't see the mountains it means it's raining.
And if you can see them,it's going to rain.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> An old guy in Ireland told me once If you can't see the mountains it means it's raining.
> And if you can see them,it's going to rain.


That's a weather saying where I live, too. And it's true.


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