# What can I do to help now that I've ruined everything?



## emotionless (Oct 25, 2011)

I've been reading these posts ever since my D-Day, almost 2 months ago. I am the cheater. Married 20+ years, raised 2 children, never thought I would be the one, etc. etc... but I did it.

When H questioned me about what he suspected, I admitted everything and ended the affair. We have talked much about what went wrong over the years, how long I've harbored thoughts of leaving, how I never really communicated to him in a constructive way what I was missing, how he never communicated to me what he was missing, etc. 

The problem is that I don't know if I want to continue to work on our marriage. I had checked out emotionally well over a year ago and was just kind of going through the motions, waiting for my youngest to finish school so that I could leave. The affair was a HUGE mistake and only complicated things for all of us. 

H is a wreck (understandably) but is so needy and clingy that I don't know if I can continue like this much longer. When we discuss any options that lean toward separation or divorce, he shuts down and talks very seriously about ending his life. I would imagine these feelings are somewhat normal, but I believe that he could actually do that, and I cannot let that happen. I feel so trapped... He will not consider counseling, won't talk to his friends, no one. He does not want anyone to know what happened - it's like if he pretends he never found out then there is nothing to worry about, but that doesn't even begin to fix the problems that were there before.

I don't know what to do or where to start. It feels like we get deeper into a hole every day with no way out. 

I don't want or expect any sympathy, but if anyone has any suggestions as to how I can help him, it would be greatly appreciated. I cannot stand to see the pain I've caused and would love to see the confident, self-assurred person I fell in love with so many years ago. The more needy and clingy he gets and the more he cries about what I've done, the more trapped and helpless I feel.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Do you want to save your marriage at all? Or are you just trying to make sure he doesn't kill himself when you leave him?
Was your affair physical (PA) or only emotional (EA)?
Do you have feelings for the other man (OM)? Would you run to him if you did divorce?
Are you being 100% transparent to your husband?
Did you write and sign a No Contact agreement letter and give it to him?
Have you gone to individual counseling (IC) to discover your problems and why you had the affair?


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## timbre (Oct 3, 2011)

I am a husband on the same end of the spectrum as yours. Only difference is I am trying to figure myself out.

Have I had thoughts of ending my life since I found out. yea... but I can't becasue there are to many people depending on me being around to do that.

You need to work on YOU. go to counseling, figure out what YOU want and what YOU need.

If the affair is truely over send a NC letter. Give it to you husband. Give him access to everything that could be used as a form of communication with the OM. Give him the tools to see that you are being transparent and honest with him.

But at the same time he needs to stop avoiding the issue. He needs help as well. As long as he is not willing to accept reality and move forward it is not a good thing for you. If he decides to end his own life becasue of all of this that is his fault, his mistake.. not yours. You have to do what is right for you.

This may seem strange coming from a guy whose wife cheated on him. Whose wife checked out emotionally from the marrige a long time ago. Whose wife doesn't know yet if she wants to try and reconcile.... but it's all true.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It doesn't sound like you want to stay married. And I don't believe you should stay married because you are afraid of what he will do. That is emotional blackmail. Your affair was wrong and it sounds like you know that.

Thing is, I don't believe people should stay married when unhappy. It's basically living a fraud/lie. If you don't love him enough to be with him, file for divorce and let him go. You are wasting both of your time(s?) by staying if your heart isn't in it.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

My immediate thought was to send him to this site. In all honesty it sounds to me like he needs to read some of the "man up" threads and give you some 180 treatment. 

Do you want to reconcile with him?


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## girlfromipanema (Aug 26, 2011)

You say you would like to see the confident man you fell in love with so many years ago... please understand that the trauma of your affair has shattered your husband. I have heard its much "easier" for a woman to recover from her husband's infidelity than a man. And, I can tell you from experience, "easy" it is not.

I will say that I would never want my husband to stay with me out of pity or because he was afraid I would take my life. 

I think you need to decide what you want and realize you only have control over yourself. You can help your husband heal, but he may not be on the same timeline as you.

Perhaps you could point your husband in the direction of this website (or any of the other infidelity survival sites). He needs to know he can feel stronger and that he's not alone.

Wishing you both well.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

You don't know if you want to save the marriage, you feel trapped when he displays all of the UNDERSTANDABLE emotinal reactions of a betrayed spouse, yet you want him to be strong and self-assured.

It really sounds to me like you have no idea what you've caused in him. You've already moved on so you're not mourning the death of the relationship. To him, he just saw it get hit by a bus.


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## emotionless (Oct 25, 2011)

Do you want to save your marriage at all? Or are you just trying to make sure he doesn't kill himself when you leave him?
In all honesty, I don't believe I want to save my marriage, but after all these years, believe I have an obligation to try.

Was your affair physical (PA) or only emotional (EA)?
Physical

Do you have feelings for the other man (OM)? Would you run to him if you did divorce?
Feelings for him - maybe, but No, I would not run to him if I did divorce. If divorce is the course we end up on, I would want to be alone for quite some time before heading into another relationship.

Are you being 100% transparent to your husband?
Yes, with the exception of this site / post, he has all of my internet info, access to my phone, etc.

Did you write and sign a No Contact agreement letter and give it to him?
No, both H and I discussed NC with OM on the phone, together, but there was no letter.

Have you gone to individual counseling (IC) to discover your problems and why you had the affair?
Not yet, but I am looking for a counselor now.

Thanks to all who have replied. I know I have to work on myself and decide what I want / need to do. I may point him here. Had been thinking of that for several days before I decided to post.


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## RadicallyAccepting (Oct 19, 2011)

Question for you. If he was being strong, getting help, starting to take back his life - would that be attractive to you? Do you think you would be interested in staying married to him?

Send him here. We'll help him get back on his feet. I know. You could be my wife...except we have a 2 year old at home.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Well, if he still wants you in his life to the extent he contemplates suicide, then demand strongly that you two seek professional help with MC. If you push hard enough, I am sure he will oblige. 

You are stuck in this limbo state without knowing which way to go. If you do not see absolutely no possibility to stay in the marriage, then you should divorce him. Make sure to let his family and friends know he may be suicidal so that they can monitor him. 

Having said that, any marriage especially with kids involved deserves more respect than you choose to give. Him not looking so attractive to you at this point is not a reason good enough to just break apart the family. Imagine the devastation on the kids. You are being very selfish. As much as you identify your H with all his shortcomings, you yourself don't look so noble either, in addition to this A you committed. 

In light of what you have done, your further condescending attitude toward your H just turns my stomach.


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## Onedery (Sep 22, 2011)

Emotionless, you had no problem putting your wishes first when you were cheating in the affair. Therefore, feigning concern for your betrayed spouse now is futile, as well.
Go for what you think YOU want and let him fend for himself.
He may well find that splitting with you is the BEST thing to ever happen to him. I know it was my most fortunate decision after twenty years living with a woman who merely was using me to house and feed the children she had from two different affairs then finally admitting it.
Believe it or not, but she still is living in the "me mode" since she recently tried to get me to take her back in since she is now living homeless.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Obligation and wanting to are two different things. I know. I had an EA, and periodically waffle on that one because I feel that I should have been kicked out and divorced for what I did. Yet, I want to keep my marriage. I don't think I could live alone and have any form of a decent life.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Well, one option would be to start studying physics and try to get admitted to MIT or Cal Poly, so you could begin working on inventing a time machine.

Really, though, as a BH, I must admit that there , really, was nothing my XW could have done to ease my pain once she cheated. I had to do it by myself. Best thing I think anyone can do with a cheater is to excise that person from his or her life and go no contact forever. Doing this has been a Godsend to me and helped me heal.
Perhaps you should consider leaving, permanently, so he does not have to deal with you while he attempts to recover.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

How long did your affair last?

Some people say that you should spend that same amount of time now actively trying to fix your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Well, you had the affair, you don't sound sorry about it one bit. You made it a point to state that you lost your feelings for him and feel empty inside because he didn't communicate with you? You checked out emotionally from the marriage and gave yourself to another man.

You hurt him beyond belief. You broke him. He doesn't want to talk to anyone about it because he is ashamed and embarassed. He feels less than a man and he knows it because you stated he's being needy and clingy. 

Are these words hurtful to you? I hope so, because these words don't even COME CLOSE to the pain you're putting him through.

You want to help him? Leave...

You're afraid that he'll hurt himself? Don't you think that what you're doing to him is killing him already?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

emotionless said:


> In all honesty, I don't believe I want to save my marriage, but after all these years, believe I have an obligation to try.


Sorry to say that this post sums it up for me. Unless you really want to save your marriage and are committed 100%, you have ZERO chances of saving it. You say you believe you have an obligation to, that clearly shows that you're only going thru the motions out of guilt, not remorse for what you did.

R is difficult, even under the best of circumstances, with both partners giving their 100% effort. If you don't want to do that, then don't torture him by going into False R.

Sounds like you're still in the fog alright.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

The kindest thing you can do for your husband is to divorce him, He deserves a chance at a happy life and has no such chance with you.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I think her screen name sums it up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey emotionless---you have done what you have done, and it can't be undone----obviously you should have D'd prior to allowing another man to have sex and whatever else

Your H., would have struggled with D, but at least there was not the pain, of knowing you allowed another man into your life, contra your wedding vows

Its done, so move on---your H. needs to grow up, and if he needs to go out on his own, then that is what needs to happen

Perish this thought, but if you passed---he would have to move on by himself---so just do what you must

Right now you are both in misery, and it sounds like the only way for the 2 of you to have any sort of decent future, is for you to get your D., and move on-----he will just have to make a life for himself---may be easier said than done---but if that's what has to happen, then so be it!!!!!


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I could give your husband some advice. Like "kick the skank to the curb". Then cut you off without a cent, Cut up your credit cards. And basically out you for the cheater you are to anyone who will listen. I don't give a rats a$$ if you were waiting till your eldest left. In the end you betrayed your husband, your kids, and yourself. Yeah, your H is needy right now, but consider yourself lucky that you still have your husbands huevos hidden in a jar some where. Do him a favor and loan him his balls long enough to boot your cheating a$$ out the door.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Arnold said:


> The kindest thing you can do for your husband is to divorce him, He deserves a chance at a happy life and has no such chance with you.


I agree.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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