# When is it the end?



## ladyanon (12 mo ago)

How do i know it is truly over? 
Life is so miserable, its heartbreaking and I hate that our toddler is learning to think this is normal. I would be so sad for our toddler to grow up and have a marriage like this.
I know there are two sides to every situation but mine is constantly dismissed and belittled and my other half just cant accept anything i say, always saying its not true, but if it is how I feel then it is true. We speak with such anger and frustration, no empathy, no understanding, no interest in each other, we are far from a team and i/we are walking on egg shells. I think i have changed since having our child and dont accept things like i used to and that is what is creating the issues. I am challenging a lot of behaviors and its become too regular. We are both worn down. The atmosphere and tension is awful. 
How can it be fixed? Can we move on and feel differently towards each other? Where do people even begin with counselling - there is just so much information online for UK counsellors?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

@Laurentium 

...............................................................................................

Part of what you are feeling is anguish and frustration heaped upon all of us from the outer pressures.

Specifically, the present pain and chaos exhibited by society and the world.

Call it cabin fever, or call it _induced_ mass hysteria, it is real for many people.

Suicide rates have skyrocketed among the 16 to 40 age group.

So many people are soothing themselves with alcohol and illicit drugs.

You may think this conflict is only present in your house, that it is only you and your husband that are having these issues.

Both of you may be reacting to this external chaos by taking it out on each other.

We often, hurt first, those whom we love the most.

Subconsciously, both of you are looking for some way to escape this pain that you feel.
You have led yourself to believe that divorce will ease your problems.

Not.......necessarily so. New problems will arise, I can guarantee this.
You will go from a family unit, to two people struggling separately, along with a child.

One, that I attribute to the forces that impinge on whole societies, presently, the whole world.

The _Wuhan Virus_ set it off (in this instance) , whereas, the world allows the fuse to keep burning. 



_King Brian-_


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

ladyanon said:


> _*How do i know it is truly over?
> Life is so miserable, its heartbreaking and I hate that our toddler is learning to think this is normal. I would be so sad for our toddler to grow up and have a marriage like this.
> I know there are two sides to every situation but mine is constantly dismissed and belittled and my other half just cant accept anything i say, always saying its not true, but if it is how I feel then it is true. We speak with such anger and frustration, no empathy, no understanding, no interest in each other, we are far from a team and i/we are walking on egg shells. I think i have changed since having our child and dont accept things like i used to and that is what is creating the issues. I am challenging a lot of behaviors and its become too regular. We are both worn down. The atmosphere and tension is awful.
> How can it be fixed? Can we move on and feel differently towards each other? Where do people even begin with counselling - there is just so much information online for UK counsellors?*_



There are many who think therapy is some kind of magic cure-all for whatever ails you but honestly? It's not. Not even close from everything I've seen and read online over the last 25+ years. Not even close.

But if you want to feel you've done everything you could before throwing in the towel, and most people want to know they've done all they can, then go to marriage counseling and see what you both can accomplish. The biggest piece of advice I can give you is to *MANAGE* your expectations. Therapy is NOT a magic cure-all. Nor are all those self-help books you pay too much money for and the only one who's REALLY getting any 'self help' is the author and their bank account.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

ladyanon said:


> How do i know it is truly over?
> Life is so miserable, its heartbreaking and I hate that our toddler is learning to think this is normal. I would be so sad for our toddler to grow up and have a marriage like this.
> I know there are two sides to every situation but mine is constantly dismissed and belittled and my other half just cant accept anything i say, always saying its not true, but if it is how I feel then it is true. We speak with such anger and frustration, no empathy, no understanding, no interest in each other, we are far from a team and i/we are walking on egg shells. I think i have changed since having our child and dont accept things like i used to and that is what is creating the issues. I am challenging a lot of behaviors and its become too regular. We are both worn down. The atmosphere and tension is awful.
> How can it be fixed? Can we move on and feel differently towards each other? Where do people even begin with counselling - there is just so much information online for UK counsellors?


How have you changed? What behaviors are you challenging? If that is what is causing the problems then that is where you need to start.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

ladyanon said:


> How do i know it is truly over?
> Life is so miserable, its heartbreaking and I hate that our toddler is learning to think this is normal. I would be so sad for our toddler to grow up and have a marriage like this.
> I know there are two sides to every situation but mine is constantly dismissed and belittled and my other half just cant accept anything i say, always saying its not true, but if it is how I feel then it is true. We speak with such anger and frustration, no empathy, no understanding, no interest in each other, we are far from a team and i/we are walking on egg shells. I think i have changed since having our child and dont accept things like i used to and that is what is creating the issues. I am challenging a lot of behaviors and its become too regular. We are both worn down. The atmosphere and tension is awful.
> How can it be fixed? Can we move on and feel differently towards each other? Where do people even begin with counselling - there is just so much information online for UK counsellors?


You are being very vague, so I can't tell what you mean...are you saying that earlier in your relationship, you let things go more, so your partner didn't realize that there were things that were a problem for you...and now you are changing the dynamic...? 

Because if that's the case, then you guys are going to need to find a new way to communicate in order to successfully connect with eachother and understand eachother. It sounds like your style was avoidant before, and now you are being confrontational. Those are two extremes, and when used interchangeably in a relationship, they cause alot of conflict, as you are seeing!!

Is your partner equally invested in your relationship, and willing to do some work to improve things between you? 
Because there are several really great books about the best ways for couples to communicate and LISTEN with care and interest, so you build your relationship up, instead of tearing it down.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

This is why a lot of guys shy away from dating a girl if her parents are divorced. He is not sure how she was brought up, and what bad habits she picked up along the way


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Talker67 said:


> This is why a lot of guys shy away from dating a girl if her parents are divorced. He is not sure how she was brought up, and what bad habits she picked up along the way


Are you saying that divorced parents don't affect guys the same way as they do girls?

That really isn't a good indicator of anything anyway, because one of the worst people I know is my half-sister, who had both parents together most of her life, AND she was raised in Christian school and has remained in church until this day.
She is a serial, unrepentant cheater who targeted married men because they were more of a conquest.

I have the same mother as her, but she divorced my dad when I was about 3yrs old, and I stopped going to church when I was 16yrs old. I have only had two partners my whole life, and I've always been monogamous and VERY devoted to both of them.

So in my experience, the parent's relationship didn't predict anything.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

LisaDiane said:


> Are you saying that divorced parents don't affect guys the same way as they do girls?
> 
> That really isn't a good indicator of anything anyway, because one of the worst people I know is my half-sister, who had both parents together most of her life, AND she was raised in Christian school and has remained in church until this day.
> She is a serial, unrepentant cheater who targeted married men because they were more of a conquest.
> ...


that is a valid point. I bet young women also avoid dating men who come from divorced parents.

If you saw your parents get divorced, the "stigma" of getting divorced becomes normalized in the kids mind. I think people would rather date someone to whom the concept of "divorcing" was abhorrant.

BTW, i never meant to say "because your parents got divorced, that means you will too". Some people have high morals, and reject bad behavior. does not matter if they are publically highly religious


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

ladyanon said:


> Where do people even begin with counselling - there is just so much information online for UK counsellors?


Well, I can't tell whether this can be fixed by counselling, because I don't know what's happening. Maybe it's just exhaustion. Maybe one of you is depressed, or maybe one has difficulty adjusting to being a parent. There are many questions. 

But what you describe will be a familiar situation to any experienced couple counsellor. I'd recommend you to see someone who *specialises* in couple counselling, not a general purpose counsellor. Couple work is a very specialised skill. 

@She'sStillGotIt is right, counselling is not magic, you both have to want to fix it and be willing to do the work. 

Please post again if you have more questions.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

if I am reading this right, you changed and are ‘challenging’ your spouse often. There is a lot of added stress when you add a child to a relationship, and if that added stress leads to anxiety, it will be hard to stop from lashing out at whoever is closest.

People always feel their lash outs are justified in the moment, but if you step back and look at the overall picture, one cant’t constantly create conflict and expect things to go ok.

I’m not sure that is what you are saying, but if the changes include you feeling angry, wound up, stressed a lot… you might want to consider talking to a doctor about it. There is no shame in it and it happens a lot.


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