# Anybody out there?



## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

Just walked out for the last time. Feeling numb and nervous. Is this normal.?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you want help you'll need to give a little more detail on what you're dealing with.

Change is always hard and filled with anxiety but if you don't make a decision you will stay stuck where you are.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> If you want help you'll need to give a little more detail on what you're dealing with.
> 
> Change is always hard and filled with anxiety but if you don't make a decision you will stay stuck where you are.


I read through a few of your posts but yes. A quick summary on this posr of how you got to this point would garner more responses.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Change always causes anxieties. It will get better.


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## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

Called her out on how I was being treated in December. I started ic for me. Then convinced her to go to mc Wanted her to do ic but she would not. Mc for about four months trying to get across to the counselor that I needed to reconcile with her about verbal abuse and sexless marriage for years. The mc says all that is in the past just forgive and go forward from here. Wife appeared to do a 180. Started treating me as we should treat our spouses. Could never get her to speak up much in mc. She just kept apologizing for how she treated me. Says that she doesn’t remember situations that I havespecifics for. Says that I don’t remember situations correctly that I misinterpret things that she said. I have tried to make her and the mc understand how I feel after years of being treated this way to no avail. Mc finally told us a month ago that since I was no cooperating there was nothing else for her to do. No matter how I tried to forget and just jump back in the relationship fully my gut instincts tell me no. This has been the feeling I’ve had for months. We basically have just been living together for a while. I will admit I don’t discuss feelings and emotions well. I tend to shut down. Fourth of July we had a discussion that just pushed us further away. In the ast two weeks I was reading on the net about verbally abusive wives. A nationally know author had a number on the website and I called. Spoke with this person. Then emailed twice. Wife found this and subsequent discussion we had. Wife called me out about contacting this person and said she has read some of her books and doesn’t agree with her conclusions. This tends to confirm that she has been tracking my computer and possibly my phone. Nothing there. I probably couldn’t get laid in a *****house that had an atm. Discussion with wife Thursday and Friday night we are way apart. I’m physically and emotionally exhausted. I’ve found an apartment nd can move next weekend. No illusions that I am blameless but. We are at an impasse and I packed up and left this am. Lots of different emotions. Just Ned to know if this is normal. Btw I have prayed fervently regarding this whole thing. My instinct says go and God hasn’t shut any doors in my face. Arraigning apartment etc. just feel in my lap. Sorry so long. Just need some advice from someone who’s been here. Thx


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Does she want to divorce?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I had a girlfriend since I was 14. When I was 18 we got engaged before I went to Vietnam for a year. The plan was to marry when I got back and then live on post while she went to college. We lost our virginity to each other and never had a major problem. All was fine until my best friend told me she was cheating and then when confronted she admitted it. I broke off the engagement even though she wanted forgiveness. She had made all the plans for the place we were to get married, picked out her gown, photographer and band. She put a down payment on our honeymoon package. 

As you can imagine, a guy in the middle of combat finding this out and being unable to do anything about it, was heartbreaking. My life was planned out and now I had nothing but another 6 months of combat with no reason to go back home. It was the lowest point of my life and thought my life was over. I ended up living and a few months after I got back to the States I was discharged from the Army. I got a job and a month later I met a woman on a train and three weeks after that we were engaged and are now married for 46 years. 

What I thought was the most unhappy and lowest point in my life turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I am 67 and as I look back on my life I see that all the good and bad things that happened to me, made my wonderful life possible and I would not change a thing. When the company I worked for went bankrupt I was afraid and did not know how we would pay the bills. However I ended up getting another job that paid me a lot more and that one thing let me know that I am worth more than I thought. From that point on I no longer was afraid to apply for those 6 figure jobs and I got them and that made my life much better. I can go on an on about the bad things that happened to me that ended up being good in the end.

So while it is OK to feel down now, what happened does not mean your future will be bad. There is always someone better than the one you are in love with now. It is not a cosmic coincidence that the person you were with is the one and only best person for you in the world and he/she just happens to live near you.

P.S. My ex fiancée became a drug addict due to the new boyfriend she cheated on me with. She then left him to join a commune where one of the guy she got passed around to each night, got her pregnant. There was no DNA testing back then so she left the commune to find someone to support her and her baby. She latched onto a guy she did not love but was willing to support her and put her son through college so she married him. She cheated on him from the very beginning and after his last college tuition check cleared, she divorce him to marry her girlfriend. She is also over 400 lbs now and believes that angels talk to her to the point of legally changing her last name because they told her too. So what was my darkest hour turned out to be the single best thing that ever happened to me. My life would not have been very good with a woman prone to abusing drugs, having sex with any guy she wants to and using men her whole life. Not to mention the mental illnesses and cost of doctors and drugs to keep her on an even keel. 

Mourn your loss now but prepare for a whole new exciting life ahead of you. There is always someone out there who will love you more than another has done.


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## LTCNurse (Feb 5, 2018)

Uselessmale said:


> Says that I don’t remember situations correctly that I misinterpret things that she said.



You don't remember situations correctly? Of course you do. Who is she to invalidate what you remember, how you think, what you feel? This is gaslighting.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

LTCNurse said:


> You don't remember situations correctly? Of course you do. Who is she to invalidate what you remember, how you think, what you feel? This is gaslighting.


Yes! I agree with LTC. It is very wrongheaded to tell a person they are not remembering lots of things correctly. It is a form of abuse actually.

MCs are notorious for pushing people to just forget about the past and move into the future. This approach ignores any healing or processing of past wrongs, and it ignores potentially significant issues such as her gaslighting.

I would put vastly more credence in what your IC says rather than what the MC says when it comes to your memories or how you are reacting to circumstances.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Uselessmale said:


> Just walked out for the last time. Feeling numb and nervous. Is this normal.?


*Totally! 

Don't know the exact specifics of your story but you likely need to be in a good family lawyer's office seeking legal help there!*


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## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

She doesn’t want divorce. Thanks for the encouragement. Just feeling alone today.


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## LTCNurse (Feb 5, 2018)

Uselessmale said:


> She doesn’t want divorce. Thanks for the encouragement. Just feeling alone today.


What do YOU want?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your MC went straight to save the marriage at all cost. If you don't fix the root problem you'll just get a repeat. 

At this time a separation maybe best. It may give you both a break to reflect and figure out whether you want to stay in this or not.


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## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

LTC I want out. Married 32 years been accused of lying and being dishonest bc I shut down and have difficulty discussing feelings and emotions. Marc thanks that’s what I thought.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

It sounds like you have made up your mind. You have a very fresh wound. What you are feeling is normal, and you have a long road ahead of you. I'm sorry for your suffering, but you will most likely end up so much happier in the long run.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

It is normal. Even if it's your own choice. 

What's that saying.... it's easier to deal with the devil you know....

Being nervous, emotional, unsure, and even afraid....all normal. Change can be scary, at least at first. Just worry about yourself right now. Protect your assets. Talk to attorneys. Start figuring out where you go from here. The more proactive you are, the less scary and emotional it will feel. 

If you feel bad, go exercise....jog, walk, workout.... getting physical really helps. 

Keep going to counseling, IC should help you feel stronger, trust yourself, etc....


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## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

Having a tough day. Somebody tell me I’ll be alright. 😕


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

SO it's a sexless marriage, your wife verbally abuses you, and you left. 

What are you missing? Lots of women won't have sex with you and will curse the hell out of you and berate you if you want that, LOL.

Of course you can have a bad day. It happens. But tomorrow is a new day. The sun will come up tomorrow. And if you move forward, other cool things will happen. You sound like you've been unhappy for a long time. So work toward being happy. Stop thinking about the past and whether you will miss her or if you'll find someone else. Stop the fear. 

You were just supposed to forgive and forget, huh? Well, if she stopped the nonsense and started giving you great sex, that might be possible. You said she did a 180. So you started getting good sex? Did the verbal abuse continue?

You have left some info out.......


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## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

Verbal abuse continues just in a nice way, tried to explain she doesn’t understand. Sex is just bc that’s what is expected.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Uselessmale said:


> Says that I don’t remember situations correctly that I misinterpret things that she said.





LTCNurse said:


> You don't remember situations correctly? Of course you do. Who is she to invalidate what you remember, how you think, what you feel? This is gaslighting.


That IS gaslighting, and that is very familiar to me, too. I was married to a man who said exactly that when we were in the middle of discussions. It made me feel stupid and crazy, especially when combined with him telling me that he has photographic memory. Gaslighters are never pleasant to deal with because with them, you will NEVER be heard. And, when you ARE heard, you're wrong anyways. 

I haven't read the entire thread yet, but my advice to you is to stick to your guns with this. There is happiness at the end, and you will find someone better-suited to you who doesn't make you feel crazy.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Uselessmale said:


> Having a tough day. Somebody tell me I’ll be alright. 😕


You WILL be alright. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but keep putting one foot in front of the other, and you'll soon find happier days ahead. Get out and do things that make you happy. Or stay in and do things that make you happy. When I went through my separation in June 2017, the first little while afterwards, all I wanted to do in the evenings was relax at home either in front of the TV or with a good book, and always with my dogs. I made them kongs (stimulating toys stuffed with treats), and drank wine and just loved having my space back with no one in it to belittle me anymore. Eventually, I got out more with girlfriends, even if it was just going for a really long walk with one of them. A few months after my separation, I joined Match.com, and ended up meeting a lot of men, and went on lots of dates: some good, some bad, some really good. I met someone extra-special in March, and we've been an item since April. We're well-matched in many regards, and different enough to keep things interesting. I see my STBXH every so often, and every time I see him, I'm reminded about why I chose to leave: our relationship was toxic and really unhealthy. Like your wife, my spouse also withheld sex (for awhile), and when we got back to it, it was done his way on his time. He also gaslighted and belittled me much like your spouse does to you. 

It's extremely unhealthy, and I'm living proof that things do get better, and life does get happier. Just take some time for YOU right now, and do things that make you happy. Create healthy habits, start working out, get outdoors and do some hiking, go volunteer somewhere, join a team (maybe a co-ed team where you can meet someone with similar interests).


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## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

Thanks Ursula, I work out a lot, keeps me from being home. Will move to my own place this weekend. Just feel alone today. My best friend died a couple of years ago. I believe that I’m doing the right thing, just one of those days, today. She says she doesn’t gaslight, MC said she doesn’t do anything wrong but that I just need to forget everything and just on from here. Been having a hard time reconciling all this with my Christian upbringing, finally found the Bible verses in proverbs dealing with a contentious or quarrelsome wife. That makes me know I’m not crazy and I’m doing the right thing.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Do some positive self talk. Positive affirmations.

"No matter what happens, I will handle it."

"I will be happier in the not too distant future even if there are tough days before then."

"I deserve better than her."

When you're going through Hell, keep on going! (that's a Churchill quote btw).


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## LTCNurse (Feb 5, 2018)

Uselessmale said:


> Having a tough day. Somebody tell me I’ll be alright. 😕


You were in a long relationship, it is going to be tough. You have been in the pattern (so was I) of listening to someone invalidate your thoughts, feelings and perceptions. You will go through the stages of grief and one of them is anger. That's where I am mostly right now. You need a healthy outlet for that (so do I). 


PM me if you want.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Good luck with the move this weekend.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow, did you ever have a crappy MC! How did your move go over the weekend? I would think getting into your own place will help your mindset. Its a fresh new start for you. 

You really will be alright.


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## MThomas (May 8, 2018)

Uselessmale said:


> Thanks Ursula, I work out a lot, keeps me from being home. Will move to my own place this weekend. Just feel alone today. My best friend died a couple of years ago. I believe that I’m doing the right thing, just one of those days, today. She says she doesn’t gaslight, MC said she doesn’t do anything wrong but that I just need to forget everything and just on from here. Been having a hard time reconciling all this with my Christian upbringing, finally found the Bible verses in proverbs dealing with a contentious or quarrelsome wife. That makes me know I’m not crazy and I’m doing the right thing.


Same boat you are. Just not as many years served in purgatory. If you listed your complaints and wishes, what else can you do? Own your p.o.s. tendencies and LET her own hers. You can't do it for her. It had to be exhausting being around someone so negative, with all the hate and anger inside. View her as Darth Vader, just in a dress and without a head shaped like a penis.

Once you move out, be prepared for her to blow up your phone. Being "concerned" It's a lie


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

I am HIGHLY suspect of this "supposed" Marriage Counselor. Seriously? WTF?

So, you are paying her/him just to tell you that all is forgiven in the past and go forth with the abuse? WOW! 


You are being given a gift. Believe it or not, your perception and knowing is not just some wayward emotion. You are being told you are NOT WELL. It's good you are listening to this. 

So let me throw another angle for you...Guys and gals, feel free to jump in:

1. Gaslights, creates environment that YOU are misunderstanding
2. Blameshift, This ends up being all YOUR fault even the MC is affirming this asinine conclusion 
3. She is tracking your whereabouts and multimedia usage... 
4. Sex is a chore for her and not loving or desired
5. Verbal and mental abuse to diminish self esteem and throw off track


Sounds awfully like a cheater... just sayin'


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

barbedfencerider said:


> i am highly suspect of this "supposed" marriage counselor. Seriously? Wtf?
> 
> So, you are paying her/him just to tell you that all is forgiven in the past and go forth with the abuse? Wow!
> 
> ...


darvo


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## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

Thanks for all the encouragement from everyone. The move went well still need some things but feel good about it. Lots of different feelings but I can’t go back. I actually have some closet space now. Alcohol consumption is down and blood pressure is getting better. She wants to meet weekly putting rules out what is acceptable during our separation, and is texting like crazy. I don’t think she thought I’d leave. TAM has been good for me. I really don’t feel so alone.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Look man many spend years hoping they'll "get it" when its they who don't "get it". I suspect all you've gotten is all you'll ever get. The only one that can keep you in these hopeless situations is you.

Most people do not change after a certain age.

I hope you've fully awakened. You need to


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Uselessmale said:


> Thanks for all the encouragement from everyone. The move went well still need some things but feel good about it. Lots of different feelings but I can’t go back. I actually have some closet space now. Alcohol consumption is down and blood pressure is getting better.
> 
> 
> She wants to meet weekly putting rules out what is acceptable during our separation, and is texting like crazy.
> ...


Cut out that worthless MC. All your doing is paying for their kids college fund. Just a typical rugsweeper.


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## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

The mc is over. She is starting to read about the things I have been saying. Says she will do anything to change herself for the better and is considering IC to deal with the narcissism and verba/emotional abuse. I haven’t even talked about the hoarding tendencies, and that I do 90% of the House work cooking and cleaning. She does water her plants.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Uselessmale said:


> Thanks for all the encouragement from everyone. The move went well still need some things but feel good about it. Lots of different feelings but I can’t go back. I actually have some closet space now. Alcohol consumption is down and blood pressure is getting better. She wants to meet weekly putting rules out what is acceptable during our separation, and is texting like crazy. I don’t think she thought I’d leave. TAM has been good for me. I really don’t feel so alone.


She doesn’t get to make any rules,that’s the first thing you have to remember.
If you are one hundred percent sure you want a permanent separation then block her on everything and get a new phone,tablet,laptop etc and a new email address and phone number..By the sound of things she is listening in on your communication with other people.
If you feel that you may reconcile at some point then tell her she needs to create an environment that you will be happy to VISIT occasionally.
That means whatever she is hoarding has to go and the house has to be spotless.
Don’t hold your breath.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Exactly what is it that is bothering you with your wife?

Things I gather:

The sex is duty sex? Why do you think that is?
She is verbally abusive. (how)
She is emotionally abusive (how)
She doesn't do her fair share of the housework (is she lazy)
She's a hoarder (exactly what stuff, how much)


What are the positives of your wife that caused you to stay married for 30 years or so?

There's bound to be some good ones to stay that long.

You sound beyond pissed at her. I am just curious about the specifics. 
What kind of rules is she wanting? What did she say when you said you're moving out?
Are you seeing any other women? Are you INTERESTed in any other women.

The reason I ask is that when a man or woman move out suddenly after 30 years together, lots of times there is another person in the wings. Doesn't sound like that's the situation, but you need to be honest with yourself and we anonymous contributors. It helps to have all the info in order to give sound advice.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Uselessmale said:


> The mc is over. She is starting to read about the things I have been saying. Says she will do anything to change herself for the better and is considering IC to deal with the narcissism and verba/emotional abuse. I haven’t even talked about the hoarding tendencies, and that I do 90% of the House work cooking and cleaning. She does water her plants.


You know, even now part of you still does not get it. 

I doubt very seriously if she will change and the fact the you STILL hope she will makes you stupid. 

Not trying to be mean, but honestly, you need to divorce this woman like last month. 

The fact that any part of you still wants to be with her is mind blowing...


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

I agree with Blues and others...

She is using highlighted words and terms to "show" you she still wants in. But thats all there is...

She wants the control back. And without you, she has no control. No thermostat in her life. Wait till D is upon her. She will be a emotional bomb going off! Continue 180 and prepare to go NC.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Uselessmale said:


> Thanks for all the encouragement from everyone. The move went well still need some things but feel good about it. Lots of different feelings but I can’t go back. I actually have some closet space now. Alcohol consumption is down and blood pressure is getting better. She wants to meet weekly putting rules out what is acceptable during our separation, and is texting like crazy. I don’t think she thought I’d leave. TAM has been good for me. I really don’t feel so alone.


Good to hear. Tell her to stick her rules where the sun don't shine. Cut your contact down, don't respond to all these ridiculous texts. She is trying to engage you and keep you hooked, don't let her use you or control you. Read up on the 180 and implement.


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## MThomas (May 8, 2018)

Uselessmale said:


> The mc is over. She is starting to read about the things I have been saying. Says she will do anything to change herself for the better and is considering IC to deal with the narcissism and verba/emotional abuse. I haven’t even talked about the hoarding tendencies, and that I do 90% of the House work cooking and cleaning. She does water her plants.


She does not like losing that control over you. Before she would just be abusive. Now she has to be nice to draw you back in, then be abusive. If you stand far enough away she will explode like those funny looking twoeyed pods on Mario. This is a very easy thing to do. Just ignore her and move on with your day to day activities. Even if she explodes, it means nothing. She needs to work on herself. You do too. How do I know when she is working on herself? When you can tell without looking.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

MThomas said:


> She does not like losing that control over you. Before she would just be abusive. Now she has to be nice to draw you back in, then be abusive. If you stand far enough away she will explode like those funny looking twoeyed pods on Mario. This is a very easy thing to do. Just ignore her and move on with your day to day activities. Even if she explodes, it means nothing. She needs to work on herself. You do too. How do I know when she is working on herself? When you can tell without looking.


No reading tea leaves.

If she wishes to work on this, there won't be any doubt or need to interpret.


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