# Issue's with going out with friends



## zigzagg (Sep 15, 2014)

Hello everyone,

This is my first post over here & I really hope I get good advice's \ suggestions . 

Just to give you a little background about my life:
I(29 year old) have been married for 4 years to my wife(32 year old) ; we have no kid's at the moment . we got married after a year of a long distance relationship . I am an accountant & work from 8AM to 5PM & I drive a total of 130 miles every weekday (which gets pretty exhausting) . My wife is a homemaker\housewife . She avoids getting a social life & usually spends all her time with me (ie : weekdays after work & weekends) . As for me I am a pretty social person & have got lots of friends (all guys) . Being a homemaker\housewife she does a pretty good job of keeping the house clean\food cooked on time\laundry \etc & I have no complains.

In the first 2 years of marriage whenever I would plan to go out with friends for either a movie , dinner or drinks I always had to sacrifice going out with friends so that she would not be alone at home.After 2 years of marriage I got burnt out & went out as I pleased . in the 3rd year of marriage we reached a decision where I can go out in the weekdays & weekend night (Thursday) & Friday \ Saturday I would spend time with her. 

I have noticed that she does make friends but avoid going out with them . If anyone would meet her they would think she is a very open & friendly person ; but I know for a fact that she does not want to attempt to go out even if she is invited & just prefers to spend time with me or my family. She also knows that I have no issues if she goes out either on a weekday or weekend. She has no hobbies or avoids trying out new things . She just wants to spend all her time with me & divert all her attention on me. If she does something wrong or says any thing wrong I used to correct her but recently I just got tired of correcting her & I just say her that she is right. 

Anyhow's the main conflict in our marriage is whenever I go out with friends ; she would agree me going but then cause a ****storm when I get back to home (ie : Why are you late , why didnt you call , I was waiting for you to have dinner with you , I am sure you didnt miss me , why werent you answering your phone , how much money did you spend) . All these questioning drives me angry , crazy & pissed off . Then in the next day I get emotionally drained & exhausted due to over thinking why always she behaves this way . When I am pissed off I prefer to give her the silent treatment ; I used to get angry & irritated but I found out that the silent treatment is better instead of wasting all my energy trying to correct her \shout\ settling things . Before going out with friends I clearly inform her where I am going & with whom I am going ; I try my best to answer her calls while I am out or sms her something like did you have dinner , I am missing you , etc. 

Each time I go out with friends there always is a fight at home ; i cannot work properly in the office due to fights at home whenever I go out. Even if I go out after 1 month with some friends its an issue with her. 

What am I supposed to do ??? Am I doing anything wrong here???? Please help me out.

Please note that I am a Pakistani\Muslim & working in gulf country.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Unfortunately, I think the problem lies in the fact that since your wife stays at home ALL THE TIME - she expects you to do the same. It seems like your wife is relying on you solely for her happiness, that is very unfair. She is responsible for her own happiness.

Your wife needs some hobbies or maybe get a job.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your wife sounds very passive aggressive. Or conflict avoidant. Either way... 

What does she say when you confront her with the fact that she said it was ok, and then she's upset after the fact?

On the other hand... How late are you staying out? Do you guys to out together? 

And finally... Why did you marry someone after only a long distance relationship? Why isn't a 32 year old woman working? What the heck does she do all day? I have tons of respect for stay at home moms. Not much (assuming there's no good reasons) for stay at home wives. Nothing good comes from idle hands, male or female. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zigzagg (Sep 15, 2014)

@PBear - she had worked in the past but for max 4 months on & off... on weekdays it takes me an hour to drive from my office to the spot where my friends are (usually 7PM)...I usually hang around for 2-3 hours , leave by 10:30ish & I am back by home by 11:30ish...And thats too like once in 2 weeks time...forget about meeting friends once a week! am I being selfish here? If I get stuck in traffic and reach home by 12AM it becomes a big controversy at home (the route which I take home usually has traffic & my wife knows that)..
I want to get things right but my wife doesnt seem to see of the amount of time I am with her & the amount of attention I give her...no matter what I do for her its never enough...Even if we had the best weekend together with fantastic lunch\dinner outside , watching movies at home or at the cinema , going to the beach , etc she will forget all that whenever I want to go out with my friends...Am I being childish???? It seems that I am stuck in a marriage where I cannot do what I want & am tied up with ropes when it comes to me going out...If I wanted I could go out everyday with friends & ignore her completely. But I just for her sake and our marriage...

The part about her not actively working ;being a pakistani its a norm if a girl\lady is a homemaker ... I earn well & dont need any extra income at home ; if she wants to work she can , if she doest want to have a day job I am fine with that.. Even when she was working it would be the same situation when I go out with friends...At the moment she stays home the whole day , wakes up at around 11ish am , cooks breakfast for herself , cleans the house , watches tv , iron's clothes , cooks food , does the laundry, chat with her so called buddies on whatsapp or facebook (the one's she always avoids going out with) , and then waits for me till 6PM...once I am at home we have dinner , watch some tv , go for a short walk , do some chit chat, watch some vids on FB\youtube...and I sleep by 11PM as I got to wake up by 6AM to get ready for work .......but when I want to go out I inform in advance...if I am back even by 9:30ish 10PM its argument time...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

zigzagg said:


> .......but when I want to go out I inform in advance...if I am back even by 9:30ish 10PM its argument time...


When you inform in advance, do you set the expectation about what time? If it were me, I would 

1. Start writing the expectations down in a note when I told her. So when she says that she was expecting you for dinner, you can point to the note (or email or whatever) and say, I told you what time I would be home.

2. Sit her down and talk to her outside of the context of a current fight. Tell her that you NEED to be able to go out with friends. Tell her that this fighting must stop, and that you have done all that you can to accommodate her wishes, but you are not a hermit.

One other thing I don't recall from your post. Do you invite her to go with you?


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## zigzagg (Sep 15, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> 1. Start writing the expectations down in a note when I told her. So when she says that she was expecting you for dinner, you can point to the note (or email or whatever) and say, I told you what time I would be home.


If I am late I would text her to have dinner \ I would be an hour late \ stuck in traffic , etc..managing the return time is a bit hard as at times I get stuck in traffic for over 1-2 hours.ts 9PM here and as per google maps there is traffic on the route i take..this fact my wife very well knows that there always seems to be traffic...I had sent her a email to her last year with my expectations.. but she never abides by that ....when I try to remind her .. she will be like ok ok ,"Don't repeat what you said" & "don't remind me" , etc

[qoute]
2. Sit her down and talk to her outside of the context of a current fight. Tell her that you NEED to be able to go out with friends. Tell her that this fighting must stop, and that you have done all that you can to accommodate her wishes, but you are not a hermit.
[/qoute]

I have tried this on many occasions but what I try to express to her gets trashed into the bin..I have documented emails to prove...I am giving myself another 6-7 months..If this still continues I am out of this relationship.

One other thing I don't recall from your post. Do you invite her to go with you?

Earlier I tried inviting her out ...she came with me on 2-3 occasions but then started complaining about my friend's wives or gave an excuse to not go out...I used to have female freinds but I slowly broke them off as my wife used to feel insecure. some of them still try to communicate with me but I usually just avoid them or cut their calls...I try my best to get the relationship smooth....but.....


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Is she objecting because of the friends you are going out with and what you might be doing? Many here on TAM would tell you that Girls Nights Out should be forbidden in a marriage because of affair or ONS potential (I am not one of those people, but am surprised no one has said that yet). Anyway, is she worried about you drinking and meeting women? Drinking and driving? Both?


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## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

ok.. So here is what i think you shall do. 
1) you should decide how many days a month you would go out. Once a month? Twice? 1st decide it and tell that to your wife. 
2) then tell her that you will text her and you will answer her calls when you are out with friends. (i dont mean 10 calls.just one or two)
3) when you are on the way home and there is traffic, let her know it by calling her when you are stuck.
4)assuare her that you are not out with females.talk with her about it. 
5)show her internet photos of the pub you are visiting so that she knows it is not a club where women and men come in hoping to get laid etc,but just a pub.she might be worried thinking you are out picking women,dancing etc 
6) in Pakistan, most women dont go out at night right? Does she drink? Encourage her to go to lunch or shopping with friends.

That is all you can do. Then, she would not have a reason to fight.because you have informed her about the days you will be out,you have answered her calls and addressed her worries without shouting. so she should be happy. And if she isnt even after all that, then that will be time for some marriage counseling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Do the two of you go out together? If not, why not? If she doesn't want to go out with friends, then she is relying on you to be her companion. However, if she won't go out with you or you don't ask her out, there is a problem that must be solved and may resolve the problem you describe.


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## RuralMama (Jun 18, 2014)

I am sorry you and your wife are struggling, sounds like you are doing a good job of communicating and trying to keep her informed. Do you think there is a deeper issue here? Is she lonely and looking for you to satisfy that need? Does she need to find in herself the contentment she is seeking? Have you encouraged her to get a hobby or a social endeavor where she can commit her time? It may not be "friends" necessarily, rather a place where she can work along side people? Have you sat down and listed your needs and had her list her needs? It might give her perspective. Hope you work through this soon!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Not making time for your wife. Choosing friends over wife.

Let me show you your future.

September 15, 2016
Topic: wife acting oddly. Poster: Zigzagg
Ive been married to my wife for 6 years. For months ago she started a new job. There is this guy in shipping i dont like. He's always talking to my wife... The head of purchasing says he is quite the lady's man.
October 15, 2016
Last saturday she put a passcode on her phone that i don't know...
October 20, 2016
She left last night to help her sick sister who i found out is actually in Florida vacationing...

I hope ive scared you.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

She is responsible for her own happiness. That does not mean you get to neglect her.

Giving a woman a nice house and a car will only last so long.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

To be honest, it does sound like you have a neglectful attitude, even though if you are going out once every other week I don't think that is excessive. But you used the following phrases:



> I am giving myself another 6-7 months..*If this still continues I am out of this relationship.*





> It seems that I am stuck in a marriage where *I cannot do what I want* & am tied up with ropes when it comes to me going out


So even though your going out is not excessive, I bet your wife can sense that you have that attitude. 

When you are married, yes you can do what you want but it may not make for a good marriage if you have the attitude of neglect toward your wife. I would suggest "His Needs/Her Needs" that can be found on amazon.com. Also google it, there is lots of information at the website. 

Your wife does need to have friends and spend some female bounding time. It would also help for her to have hobbies and maybe do some volunteer work. But from your tone, there is the part you could improve upon as well.


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## zigzagg (Sep 15, 2014)

norajane said:


> Is she objecting because of the friends you are going out with and what you might be doing? Many here on TAM would tell you that Girls Nights Out should be forbidden in a marriage because of affair or ONS potential (I am not one of those people, but am surprised no one has said that yet). Anyway, is she worried about you drinking and meeting women? Drinking and driving? Both?


my night out with the boys are either a movie at the cinema, dinner or drinks . we guys usually just go to our usual spot in bar in a 5* hotel & haven't switched bar's for the past 8 years...so she knows where I drink & with whom I drink...having an affair or one night stand is far off for me as I really do love my wife & we have a really good sex life....
I do not drink heavily & always stay within my limits..if I feel I am drunk I take a cab....not sure if I stated earlier even if I do drink its on a weekday(usually tuesday or wednesday) , so I got to control on the amount of drinks as I got to drive 130 miles the next day.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Sorry, OP, perhaps I missed it. How often are you and your wife going out together, either with friends or alone for date nights?

And, does the culture where you live actually afford her the freedom to go out alone with girlfriends? Obviously, if you're out drinking then you're not a strictly observant Muslim and are in one of the Gulf countries that's liberal enough that you aren't getting into trouble for that. But I'm wondering if the culture in the country you're living is placing restrictions (real or perceived) on her ability to go out alone with friends that you, as a man, aren't subject to? Or, might it be cultural or religious on her end? Would she perceive going out alone with her friends as taboo or immoral for a virtuous wife?


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## zigzagg (Sep 15, 2014)

finding-a-path said:


> ok.. So here is what i think you shall do.
> 1) you should decide how many days a month you would go out. Once a month? Twice? 1st decide it and tell that to your wife.
> 2) then tell her that you will text her and you will answer her calls when you are out with friends. (i dont mean 10 calls.just one or two)
> 3) when you are on the way home and there is traffic, let her know it by calling her when you are stuck.
> ...


@finding-a-path Thanks for the advice . But I always do inform her clearly where I am , with whom I am , and I take pic's and send it to her on whatsapp...I go out with only guys and my wife knows almost all of them...

Whenever there is traffic I usually text her or call her that I am stuck in traffic & I will be late...but when I go at home *boom* all those questions which she already has answers to come up...

She doesnt drink as being a muslim its against islam ; but again both of us do not strictly follow islam.. If I am thirsty on a weekend I do take her to the pub ; I order a drink & she would order a salad\meal and a juice...

as I stated earlier if I do invite her to go along with my friends & their family her answer is always "no" . In the end I have to forgo our friends invitations...I tried to call them at our house but my wife would always refuse. I cannot force her to do something which she doesnt want to.


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## zigzagg (Sep 15, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Do the two of you go out together? If not, why not? If she doesn't want to go out with friends, then she is relying on you to be her companion. However, if she won't go out with you or you don't ask her out, there is a problem that must be solved and may resolve the problem you describe.


we do go out together every weekend or at times on weekdays evenings . but thats only me & her....If I invite someone along she will try to scrap the plan.... she does make friends but whenever she is invited to get together \ dinner\ movies she makes up some excuse & doesn't go .the communication with her friends is only through calls \ facebook & whatsapp .this has been happening for the past 4 years... I try my best to encourage her to go out but she gives some excuse like "that girl talks too much " , "I just want to go out with you " , "you are the only person which matters" . My wife is a beautiful women & has no issues when its comes to looks..so I cannot figure out why she wouldn't go with them.

The fact is that I cannot be her source of entertainment every time ... If I cannot go out with friends & enjoy my life what is the point of being in a marriage?? why should their be restrictions & fights if I go out??..she stays at home every time & has nothing to discuss about except movies or her family in Pakistan...I try my best to discuss with her how my day was at the home ,this friend called me today & we talked xyz...


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## zigzagg (Sep 15, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> She is responsible for her own happiness. That does not mean you get to neglect her.
> 
> Giving a woman a nice house and a car will only last so long.


I agree she is responsible for her own happiness but the only happiness she gets is spending time with me...I do also need some time off...I cannot be with her source of entertainment...If I go out I am bombarded with messages "I am alone at home ", I am bored , When will you be back , who are you with....The reason I inform her in advance is so that she is informed & no doubts arise in her mind... I just cannot be around like a source of entertainment evertime & just forgo my needs..


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## zigzagg (Sep 15, 2014)

thefam said:


> To be honest, it does sound like you have a neglectful attitude, even though if you are going out once every other week I don't think that is excessive. But you used the following phrases:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



yes, it may sound like i have a neglectful attitude . But a person will get burned after several attempts to get things right. She is a person who will attempt her best to break off relations & put virtual chains around me . I always hoped one day she would understand what I want. I have sent her emails in the past highlighting what I need so that it can be documented . 

In the past I did advise her to do some volunteer work ; but she went like "why to do something which doesnt pay" . She joins a job but quits after 3-4 months stating some reason like the manager is a creep , my new boss asked me to kiss & dont say anyone , her boss talks too much...the amount of negative feedback while she was working is the main reason I stopped asking when is going to work again or go do some charity work.

I shall look up the book as suggested.


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## zigzagg (Sep 15, 2014)

Rowan said:


> Sorry, OP, perhaps I missed it. How often are you and your wife going out together, either with friends or alone for date nights?
> 
> And, does the culture where you live actually afford her the freedom to go out alone with girlfriends? Obviously, if you're out drinking then you're not a strictly observant Muslim and are in one of the Gulf countries that's liberal enough that you aren't getting into trouble for that. But I'm wondering if the culture in the country you're living is placing restrictions (real or perceived) on her ability to go out alone with friends that you, as a man, aren't subject to? Or, might it be cultural or religious on her end? Would she perceive going out alone with her friends as taboo or immoral for a virtuous wife?


@Rowan , we go out together every weekend alone.

yes , she has the freedom to go out alone with girlfriends , I have never enforced her to stay at home or do not go out with friends . I have tried my best to encourage her to go out but she is very hesitant & wants to spend all her time with me.

The city I am staying have no restrictions whatsoever nor I have imposed any restrictions. We both are not strictly observant muslims . And I doubt my wife finds its a taboo or immoral as I know for a fact that her sister (who stays in an European country ) is very liberal & open. and before marriage she used to visit her friends places \ go out with friends.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You wife sounds like a "stay at home type" that puts very little emphasis on friends (exactly how I am).

Why isn't she working? Seriously.....she should......

As for you going out. Just keep communicating about your needs of social life. Don't give her silent treatment.

Can you perhaps invite her with you?


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