# Experience rebuilding after infidelity



## lovemykids2 (Apr 22, 2013)

I have been living in this nightmare now for almost a month. It hit me like a slap across the face...I noticed the distance my wife was keeping from me. To be fair, I have been distant as well for a while. But something felt different and I confronted her. I got the "I love you but am not in love with you anymore", "I have never been happy in our marriage"..etc. I travel for work and am away a bit during the week so she would push talking to the end of the week. I was not getting answers. The next time we spoke she told me that there was someone else, however, he was overseas, not here. She was having an emotional affair. After she told me she was even more distant, and I was devastated. She was having no problem acting like everything is ok. I was not able to keep it together so well. We have 2 kids, 5 and 1. She said she was keeping it together for them. 
She broke the news to her family and they did not give her the reaction and support that I think she was expecting. They were not accepting, angry, shocked, hurt...everything I am feeling. 
We have agreed to go to couples therapy. My WS mother was particularly hard on her this week. Called me and told me to protect my kids and our finances. Previously, I would have brushed that off as my mom-in-law overreacting but it shook me up since the trust I had for my wife is all but gone. I took steps to protect us. I still could not believe what was happening and who my was has become. I feel like I don't even know her. I have been feeling like couples therapy wold be a waste since she was carrying on a relationship with the OM still.
I still felt like something was not right. My mom-in-law knows the OM's family and knew that this man has been in and out of rehab, stole from his family, etc...not sure how much is true since my mom-in-law was in a frantic rage that my wife would even consider this with our kids involved. I spoke with my wife mid week after her mom had tore into her and gave her info about this man she was now in love with. My wife's tone changed a little and she was now looking forward to therapy. Previously, she was looking at therapy as a potential way out I assume. She said we have a lot of work to do. She keeps saying she has been unfulfilled our entire relationship, 11 years...hard for me to believe someone could put on an act for that long, and hide these feeling for that long.
I have been talking with family members and discussed the change in tone with my wife. Without saying it, someone put the suggestion in my head that I did not know the whole story. I asked my sis-in-law if there was something I still did not know. She broke down and said she was going to call my wife because she wanted her to tell me. I braced for the worst. My wife was not available so my sis-in-law said she could not lie anymore. My wife had a girls weekend a few weeks ago. It was this first time in almost 2 years. She was not with he girls, he flew to the US and she was with him. 
I was shocked, disgusted, hurt...She booked the hotel room with me, I gave her cash for the weekend, she was in my car...I could not believe the deception...still cannot believe she was, is capable of it.
I was in the middle of a 6 hour drive home when I found this out. I had been thinking of asking her to leave the house before this info because I was still infuriated that she was carrying on a relationship under my nose and roof. I called her, told her I know the whole truth and she needed to leave the house. I had already called her mom and lined up a place to stay and care for the kids. She said she would not leave, that I should leave.Since she did this, I said she should leave. She said she would not go to her families. She did not feel it was a good environment for the kids. I know it is because her family turned on her and she does not feel supported there. She said she would go to my mom's which hit me off guard. That made me feel like she was acting a little desperate in the moment. I told her I was coming home later and we could talk about what to do next. I was not full of rage and would never harm my wife or another person so I knew I could keep it together. I had been living with the thought of her having an emotional affair now for two weeks so tis lie did not seem t hurt as bad.
When I got home we sat on the couch. She immediately started to cry and told me she was sorry. She had not shown me any compassion previous to that conversation. She had been guarded and told me she was staying true to her feelings. Felt like we talked for hours. She told me she stopped the relationship with the OM the night before. She said they talked and she confronted him about some things. She said she could not deal with the drama, especially since we have kids, and she ended it. From my position, it is obviously hard to trust her. I asked what he said to her when she ended it. She said he told her he was sorry for ruining her life. Again, not sure what to believe. The previous week, I have written my wife a note that laid out what I needed from her in order to move forward in therapy regardless of if we were going to try to save our marriage or not. I needed her to stop the relationship, and give me complete access to her phone, email, Facebook, and other forms of communication. She came forward with that and offered access which I accepted.
It is a burden to me to monitor my wife, and she feels a bit like a child, but it is the only way I can somewhat trust right now. We talked about therapy that night as well. I told her my goal was to mend the marriage. Previously, she had said she did not know what hers was. This time, she said her goal was to mend the marriage, but she still is not sure it can be mended.
She stayed at home. I do not want to disrupt my children's lives right now. I have had an easier time coping now that I know he is not in the picture. We agreed that night that we would start acting like we loved each other. She began sleeping in our bed again. We have not slept in the same bed in 5 years...since our first child was born. There have been brief moments, very brief money's of affection from her. We have been snuggling in bed, something we never did, but it has been initiated by me. It still feels like there is no feeling coming from her which is to be expected at this point.
I am struggling on how to feel right now. Sometimes I am incredibly sad and crushed, need to cry, other times I am hopeful. We start therapy on Monday. My guard is still up...I am not sure of her intentions. Should I stop with the affection? If feel he distance in our relationship in a way contributed to her affair. She was seeking what I was not providing. It does not make it right or my fault...Again, I am trying to figure out how to act during this confusing and difficult time.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Wow. Your wife is a real piece of work. Make sure the both of you get tested for STD's.

From what you have written it sounds like you should not believe anything your wife says. It also seems that she had no support system now which is why she is willing to work on the marriage because she has nowhere else to go.

It also seems that her OM got caught either seeing other people or not willing to commit to her which is what she meant by confronting him on things. I am sorry but it sounds like your are plan B for now because she has no other options.

"She booked the hotel room with me, I gave her cash for the weekend, she was in my car...I could not believe the deception...still cannot believe she was, is capable of it." The fact
that she could have done this to you shows a complete total disrespect she has for you and should have been a deal-breaker for you. I am sorry but she and the OM must have gotten some perverse thrill having her humiliate you in such a way.

If the roles were reversed do you think she would have been so accepting and forgiving as you have been? Do you think she also engaged in this sexual affair because she knew down deep you would forgive her anyway? I still doubt that you have the full story. You deserve better than this. If you do not respect yourself then who will? I wish you luck because you will need it if you stay with her.

Again since this OM has been back and forth in rehab you better get tested for STD's. Good luck.


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## lovemykids2 (Apr 22, 2013)

bryanp said:


> Wow. Your wife is a real piece of work. Make sure the both of you get tested for STD's.
> 
> From what you have written it sounds like you should not believe anything your wife says. It also seems that she had no support system now which is why she is willing to work on the marriage because she has nowhere else to go.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the reply. Everything you have said has crossed my mind. We have not had sex since her weekend with him. STD tests will be a must if we get back to that point. I am looking for people who have been through something similar and tried therapy. I am not approaching therapy as a guarantee to save my marriage. I am still not sure I want that. My marriage as it was is dead and my life will never be the same. I have read and heard of marriages and relationships becoming amazing lifelong relationships after things like this happen. I know that is not realistic for everyone but feel like I need to see it through so at a minimum, I can have a healthy relationship with the mother of my children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why haven't you slept in the same bed in 5 years?

Immediate actions:

1. Exposé to her family that she took it physical. This isn't to be vindictive, it is to prevent her from spinning lies down the road. Put all the truth out there.

2. She needs to take a polygraph test, about how long this has gone on, and how many times they have met up,

3. Where drugs involved with the meet up?

4. She needs to have a full on STD test. Do not sleep with her until she passes it.

5. You need to keylog the computer she contact him through. She may have a secret account or may create a secret account.

6. Notice how she isn't staying for you, but is for the kids. Be wary of that.

7. Cut her off from as much access to money as you can. 

8. Seize and store the kids passports offsite where she can't get to them.

9. Realize her breakup may be false or it may be temporary. 

10. Find the clothes and lingerie she wire for him, and trash them. Look for new sexy stuff - that was for him. 

11. Look for any gifts he gave during the meet up weekend, take them and trash them,

12. Look on her cell phone for pics from their weekend - delete

13. Take away her cell phone and give her a basic phone with anew number and an account you control do you can see who she calls/texts. You forward her old number to your phone.

14. The girls she was supposed to go on the weekend with provided cover for her sex weekend. Her friendship with them is done and over. You should yourself call each of them and inform them since they provided cover for your wife to go away and cheat that they are no longer welcome around your family. Consider also calling their husbands and letting the husband know that their wife is helping a cheater. Often such women are cheaters themselves. Besides perhaps they also went away with some guy and used the same lie that weekend,


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw therapy won't change or reprogram your wife to be faithful. It will give her tools to rebuild her relationship with you if she puts in the hard work.

Something tells me the affair isn't really done yet btw, o be very very careful about being in a false reconciliation.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Does OM have a wife or gf?

Expose him if he does.

Do not be so quick to reconcile.

Take a moment and distance yourself.

This is all new and fresh.

Let it sink in and then decide.

No contact letter is a start.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

I think you are doing OK.

I understand about the monitoring - like you didn't already have enough to do, now you have to do that, too. I have an alternate suggestion - have her change her phone number, change her email address, have her delete her facebook account. If not, then monitor as best you can. Block him on facebook, on phone, on email. The truth is, with technology the way it is, there is no way you could prevent her from contacting the other man.

Expect that she is going to attempt to contact him, or vice versa. The urge to do so will be strong, so expect it and be prepared with a measured response.

Make sure that she understands what no contact means. It means zero contact, if he tries to contact her, she does not respond and tells you immediately, she does not delete it. As a matter of fact, she should not delete anything, not even browsing history, and she shouldn't use "private" browsing mode.

She knows you are going to monitor her devices and accounts, so buy a couple of voice-activated recorders and put one in the house where she is likely to talk on the phone when you are not around and one in the car she drives. Monitor them for 2-3 weeks or if you think something is not right with the reconciliation.

Don't be hesitant to tell her what you need or want from her.

Have her get tested for STDs and give you the results.

Have her destroy any clothing she wore for the other man. Get rid of the phone she used to communicate with him. Get rid of any gifts or cards she received from him, and any other things that will trigger you or any things that will remind her of him.

If other man is married or has a girlfriend, expose him. If not, consider exposing him to his family and friends.

Sleeping in separate beds for five years - you both made a big mistake with that one. Getting together for sex and then retreating to separate beds is not acceptable.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

lovemykids2 said:


> My marriage as it was is dead and my life will never be the same._Posted via Mobile Device_


It never will be either.

The question is this: Do you want to live the rest of your life with a betraying spouse or stop the bleeding now and make a better and happier life for yourself?

It's actually a tough question when someone is in your spot. I recommend a few months apart to give you time to think and sort things out. By then one of you maybe resolute to end the marriage (which is fine) or maybe otherwise.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> It is a burden to me to monitor my wife, and she feels a bit like a child, but it is the only way I can somewhat trust right now.


see..... this is something i could never do. now you have to babysit a grown woman. this isn't gonna be a temporary thing. you'll always have doubt creeping in your head. your mantra from now on is- "trust, but verify."


furthermore, this situation, or the way you're going about it, has rugsweeping written all over it. DON'T DO IT! get to the bottom of "why" she f0cked another man.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You guys for sure have a crappy marriage, but before we go there, your old lady has some issues and until those issues are worked and she learns the tools to be an emotionally healthier person then how in the hell is she going to have a healthy relationship with you, or any other relationship for that matter?

Your chick stopped sharing a bed with you, but yet had another kid 4 years later, started an EA then went as far as hooking up physically with this guy, want to end her family and then a few days later wanted her family again once she realized you would have to be her plan B.

Your old lady is all over the place and its been my experience that by the time your kids are 10 and 15 yo she will have had several affairs. She needs to get her head on straight, affair proof her marriage, stop depending of others to fulfill her, and spend a year in individual counseling.

In short she can't save her marriage until she saves her self!

You will see what I'm talking about by the end of spring, by the middle of summer she will be back to her old ways and so will you. 

Right now your old lady just turned the switch to off, give her time and the switch will be turned once you settled down.


I'm curious, if her love for her new boyfriend was so strong why is it that it only took some drama for her to bail on her new soul mate?

Sorry brother but you have to mention once that she has admitted to her own issues be it entitlement, validation, or just plain likes to lie to people? When is she going to face the reality that its not about you and her marriage it about her and how she deals with her self as an individual?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

lovemykids2 said:


> She said they talked and she confronted him about some things. She said she could not deal with the drama, especially since we have kids, and she ended it..


Re read these word your wrote.

What I'm getting is she broke it off (if she broke it off) for the kids!

She confronted her boyfriend with regards to going to him with her kids and he said NO WAY!!!

Most likely your old lady loves the drama and everything was going great with the secret and taboo drama that she created, but once she got caught, turned away by her boyfriend, and had no were to go she used her kids as an accuse to stay.


If your old lady had real remorse she would be apologizing for being a bad person that lacked a moral compass, and begged you to help her fix her self...instead she apologized for getting caught.

I believe the both of you are heading for a false R.

In my case my old lady went 5 years straight after her 1st affair. Then she was back at it again. It wasn;t until she looked at her self and what she had become that made her look at her self as an individual and not blaming all her crap on me and her marriage with me. See she would have had these adulatory issues do matter who she was married to.

The point here is your wife needs counseling, she is staying in here marriage for all the wrong reasons.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

So she got her sex in with her lover---before she allegedly quit her A

Maybe she found out he wasn't much of a lover--no future excitement after her let down

Problem is what is your wife---at this point---she got to spread her legs for a stranger---and condemned you to a life of visions of that action---and destroyed her kids future in the process----she is one pathetic wife and mother

Good luck to your future---you are gonna need it


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> he immediately started to cry and told me she was sorry. She had not shown me any compassion previous to that conversation. She had been guarded and told me she was staying true to her feelings. Felt like we talked for hours. She told me she stopped the relationship with the OM the night before. She said they talked and she confronted him about some things. She said she could not deal with the drama, especially since we have kids, and she ended it. From my position, it is obviously hard to trust her. I asked what he said to her when she ended it. She said he told her he was sorry for ruining her life. Again, not sure what to believe.


This is a lie. It probably was more romantic than you think it was. Make her do the no contact in front of you. She is lying about how it ended.(Or was it a temporary break ?)

One more thing, how did they contact one another during the affair ? How long were they in the affair ? Try to get the conversations between them if you can(FB chats can be retrieved, check sent items folder and trash folder in her email, try recovering deleted texts). Maybe that would give you a better picture of things.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

So she was about to get kicked out and suddenly she's broken up with him because of what it was doing to her kids?

Why dont you call OM and find out his version of the story.

She didn't tell you, you had to find out. She had nowhere to go, that's why she's acting this way.

Why are you "pretending" to love each other for the kids? Be cordial and respectful in front of them but for gods sake dont pretend everything is alright. You're rug sweeping and it will bite you the further along you go, especially if it's all false R


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

I don't think you actually know what you want. Your emotions are too raw for you to truly understand what you want. 
I am also surprised you could keep that level a head with a cheating wife. I don't know if I should congratulate you on that, or say you need to grow a pair, and start being a man. 
But that is just me...

First thing's first, your wife doesn't sound that remorseful. 
She is staying for the children. Not because she wants you, but because she feels like she has to. 

I think first thing you need to do:
Get the OM's details. All of them If she refuses, you must kick her out. This is not to spite her, but because you must realize, if she protects the OM, it is because she is still having her affair. There are only a few situations I can think of when not giving the OM's details are warranted. And since you said you could not harm a person, this is NOT one of those situations. 
Then you need to call this OM, and find out what his side of the story is. 
Then you need to call his wife, or his girlfriend, and have your wife tell the full story to her. And if she doesn't believe you, well there is nothing you can do. 

Secondly, you need to remove any friends that covered for her. 
If she refuses, you must kick her out, and begin filing. I hate to say this, but her refusal to drop friends that covered for her shows that she values the ability jump right back into the affair over you. 
So unless she is willing, and shows you, dropping them, you need to keep your guard up. These friends are toxic, and unless removed, they will only hinder and hurt any chance of healing your marriage had. 

And finally, just take time. 
Don't go out and divorce unless you need to. 
Your emotions are going to be swirling. IF you feel the need to bond with your wife, I would 100% advise against it until:
You have a clean STD test

She might get pregnant to force you to stay with her. 
And I imagine you might be facing some pretty powerful hormones, so you may want to look into some safe porn sites. 
But remember, your emotions will want to punch a wall one minute, and hug your wife the next. 
Just take time. Eventually, unless you do something stupid, one of them will take over the other, and that is the one you need to go with. 
If it is love, and you wanting to reconcile, and she shows genuine remorse and a willingness to make it work, you can go somewhere. 
But if she wants to rugsweep this, then we will have trouble. And you will be in for one hell of a roller coaster. 

But if you can't get over what she did, and her lies and betrayal, then you will divorce, and separate. And no one will think any less of you for it, and no one can judge you. And you will be doing what is best for you. Because while you may be wanting to look out for your kids, remember, if the parents are living in hell, I can promise you the kids aren't far away form the hell you are in. 

Neither of these options are free of pain. 
Neither of these options are easy to make, nor should they be made rashly. 
And neither of them come with any guarantees of happiness or peace.


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## lovemykids2 (Apr 22, 2013)

Thank you everyone for the replies. Here are some more details..

My wife had admitted the deceit and what she has done is [email protected]&ked up. She is going into individual counseling? You are right is saying she has some issues she needs to deal with. My wife has always "known her place" as she says since she was a teenager. She comes from a traditional European family. She has always settled for being mediocre and I have noticed over the years. She typically does not follow through with things. In her mind, she followed through with these feelings she had for the OM. She did it at the expense of my feelings, her kids, and her family. She acknowledges it and is remorseful. A little more about this man, she met him when she was 16 and spent the summer oversea's at her grandmothers. She was forbidden to see him but managed to anyway when she was 16. This man was hero called 1st love. She is now 35 and acted on that feeling...at my expense.
You are right that she is staying and acting ok for the kids, not me at this point. She is still in the fog. We start therapy tomorrow and I will tell her I need to now everything. I just want a mediator their. I honestly don't know how I feel at this point either. I am going to 180 her for a while to sort out my mind. I am going into individual counseling too. I have been distant for a while, it's time to find out why.
This man is overseas, does not speak English. I have no way to contact him. I have been blocked on Facebook, email, etc...I have full access to hers. She has been blocked by him so he does not show up. My guard is up now, I don't trust her, and she will need to work real hard to prove she is not lying. I like the mantra, trust but verify. I suspect it will get old soon though. Tough decision to throw away 11 years and the family we have built. Time will tell...


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

The decision should not be about the past 11 yrs----it HAS to be about the trip you will take thru life--from now on---it can be filled with misery, or it can have some happiness in it

The last 11 yrs---much of it has been filled with misery for you---CUZ----your wife has never let her 1st true love out of her life

She started with him at 16 and he is still in her life---this last "dissing", and deception, where she conned you into paying for the room that she had the re-kindling of her SEX LIFE with this guy---has to hurt badly----where up to now---her sex with her lover, was before you knew her, and didn't matter---she has changed that forever---with her PLANNED deception, and meeting to go physical again------

She didn't want to sleep in the same bed with you for the last 5 yrs---that more than likely is because of her thots of him---he is the white elephant standing in the way of your mge---"ever making it"

Her family knew what this guy was---they didn't want her with him yrs ago in the beginning---why are they down on her now---cuz if you D, her---THEY ARE STUCK WITH HER---and she has been fighting them since she was 16 yrs old, as to this guy---they much rather you deal with her, than they be stuck with her, if you leave her

Look----you get one trip thru life---or for you, what is left of one trip thru life---as I said before ---it can be happy, or full of misery-----this guy will never leave her, for sure mentally, and very possibly physically, if she again, in her mind has a reason to seek him out---if you 2 continue to have difficulties, or she gets bored---she will seek him---also I imagine whenever he crooks his finger---she will run to resume contact with him---it is what has happened since she was 16 yrs old

How do you stand cuddling/touching this woman, when you know, that you will always be SECOND BEST IN HER MIND----you must understand/know---he is her ONE TRUE LOVE---that is NEVER GONNA CHANGE---it is the reason your mge has had problems, and she has no problem hurting you---TO DO HIS BIDDING, and TO BE WITH HIM

For you to have any kind of a decent future, you need to end this sham/farce of a mge----you will have to be in contact with her for the next 17 yrs cuz of the kids-----she has made sure of that----actually, you know, these kids are possibly his and she has deceived you to be with him, on other occasions---which you obviously DID NOT KNOW OF--------

This woman, has one man inside of her---and IT IS NOT YOU, IT WILL NEVER BE YOU----you need to leave and start a new life of your own WITHOUT HER


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

lovemykids2 said:


> Thank you everyone for the replies. Here are some more details..
> 
> My wife had admitted the deceit and what she has done is [email protected]&ked up. She is going into individual counseling? You are right is saying she has some issues she needs to deal with. My wife has always "known her place" as she says since she was a teenager. She comes from a traditional European family. She has always settled for being mediocre and I have noticed over the years. She typically does not follow through with things. In her mind, she followed through with these feelings she had for the OM. She did it at the expense of my feelings, her kids, and her family. She acknowledges it and is remorseful. A little more about this man, she met him when she was 16 and spent the summer oversea's at her grandmothers. She was forbidden to see him but managed to anyway when she was 16. This man was hero called 1st love. She is now 35 and acted on that feeling...at my expense.
> You are right that she is staying and acting ok for the kids, not me at this point. She is still in the fog. We start therapy tomorrow and I will tell her I need to now everything. I just want a mediator their. I honestly don't know how I feel at this point either. I am going to 180 her for a while to sort out my mind. I am going into individual counseling too. I have been distant for a while, it's time to find out why.
> This man is overseas, does not speak English. I have no way to contact him. I have been blocked on Facebook, email, etc...I have full access to hers. She has been blocked by him so he does not show up. My guard is up now, I don't trust her, and she will need to work real hard to prove she is not lying. I like the mantra, trust but verify. I suspect it will get old soon though. Tough decision to throw away 11 years and the family we have built. Time will tell...


She doesn't need "therapy". You know it's wrong to book a room and have sex with someone..but she did it anyway. She's not in a "fog", five years of sleeping in separate beds is not confusion, you go to bed every night making a very conscious decision NOT to go into your husband's room..why? Because she would have been cheating on her true love..as she had it in her head at the time.

So 5 years you put up with the separation. You put up with the EA..now you're putting up with her lying to you about going on a trip and being with him. Therapy implies something inherently wrong with her decision making..not that she made very clear and well informed decisions and choices. A one time mistake yes. But since she was 16? All your marriage?

So this guy has gone MIA. But he'll still be around. They didnt break up because what they did was wrong. They believe they had a right to do what they did because they were in love. The man didn't even respect you enough to offer apology or explanation, in his loathing for you he blocked you, and blocked her just in case you go to him through her account. 

So what do you want therapy for? Why this man is the love of her life? Why after 11 years of marriage, 5 years of giving nothing to you she can go out and consummate her fantasy with her star crossed lover? Do you even know what happened that night, all the details?

And to be clear. They are not broken up and they have not ended it. So you're going into therapy based on a lie. Until the whole truth is outed, you are re-building your marriage on a tattered foundation. The same foundation you got married on.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

lovemykids2 said:


> She acknowledges it and is remorseful. A little more about this man, she met him when she was 16 and spent the summer oversea's at her grandmothers. She was forbidden to see him but managed to anyway when she was 16. This man was hero called 1st love. She is now 35 and acted on that feeling...at my expense.


Ah, the old Romeo and Juliet story of lovers that were prevented from being together by family. Similar to my situation. Saying sorry and crying a few crocodile tears doesn't necessarily mean she's remorseful. 












lovemykids2 said:


> You are right that she is staying and acting ok for the kids, not me at this point. She is still in the fog.


Then the OM owns her heart and mind.



lovemykids2 said:


> We start therapy tomorrow and I will tell her I need to now everything. I just want a mediator their. I honestly don't know how I feel at this point either. I am going to 180 her for a while to sort out my mind. I am going into individual counseling too. I have been distant for a while, it's time to find out why.


Counseling is good, but you first need to establish beyond doubt that the affair is indeed over and that she is maintaining NC. Otherwise, counseling is useless if the affair is still on.



lovemykids2 said:


> *This man is overseas, does not speak English*. I have no way to contact him. I have been blocked on Facebook, email, etc...I have full access to hers. She has been blocked by him so he does not show up. My guard is up now, I don't trust her, and she will need to work real hard to prove she is not lying. I like the mantra, trust but verify. I suspect it will get old soon though. Tough decision to throw away 11 years and the family we have built. Time will tell...


Again, similiar to my situation where my fWW and OM speak in a dialect that I'm not completely fluent in, and she could speak to the OM at work without suspicion. 

You need to have a keylogger or computer monitoring software in place on the computer. I had full access to my fWW facebook account before the affair, yet I didn't suspect anything. It was only purely accidental that I discovered she had a secret facebook account and name. Its so very easy to get a new email addy and new facebook account. Be wary.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You are too ready to conclude she did it because this particular OM, their story together, this narrative of once for all rebellion from being the good girl. Maybe. Maybe not. She seems checked out years ago, felt once again settled for you. Five years sleeping in diffferent bedrooms...
Be sure this OM is her first OM.

Snoop her FB account, etc before she can "clean it".

Be sure of the rope SIL and GF played into it. Cut the garbage.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

She didn't share your bed for five years. At least her bed was not always empty. Have you really thought about this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I don't think "lovemykids2"---wants to face the inevitable truth------he has never been #1 in his wife's life/heart----her first and maybe only true love is there, and will always be there---that is just the way it is with this woman

He can look for reasons---but he knows that there are really no other reasons-----she will not mentally leave her 16 yr old life


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

She may truly have ended it, but you can't know without the NC letter, keylogging the computer(s) and changing the cell phone. AND monitoring everything. The suggestion of a voice activated recorder (VAR) is an excellent one because most folks don't think their BS could or would ever go so far. But if you want to save this relationship, or more correctly establish your new relationship with this woman, you have to protect yourself in the meantime. Gathering evidence can either prove she's there to stay, or otherwise. 

Good luck, and God bless.


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