# help?



## is it me? (Oct 24, 2007)

My wife and I have been married for over 6 years. And in that 6 years we have always fought with eachother (words only, no violence) and just never seem to agree on anything. I know that I have my faults: not being as sensitive when wife is sick, not expressing my true feelings, and of course not being the most romantic man, pounding the point, etc. 

But I really feel I have worked on these things, I have tried to be more sensitive when the wife isnt feeling well, being more romantic by writing poetry (not that I am any writer, but I try), I get her cards occasionally, etc. And as far as expressing my feelings, I have tried this but I seem to just get my wife on the defensive. So I am damned if I do and damned if I dont. 

My wife never apologizes and if she does it is in a sarcastic tone. Her attitude towards me is always negative, she always assumes the worst of me, and I just feel like I can not win with her. I don't expect apologies per say, but a normal prudent person usually will apologize if they know they are wrong about something. I am always apologizing if I didnt do something when I said I would, I apologize when I have hurt her, I try and try, but I dont seem to get that in return. 

I feel like she expects me to always agree with her, do what she says, ask no questions and give her everything she wants without me getting anything in return. I am willing to give her the world, but not getting anything in return such as a simple thank you or returning a favor without moaning and groaning about it. 

Our latest argument has hit the all-time high on seriousness, we actually discussed divorce and immediatley my wife tells me she is taking our son. I proceeded to tell her that I plan on then either forcing her to sell her business or buy me out since I am half owner (community property). So it really went crazy yesterday and this is all on text messaging. We did speak later that night in person, but I'm not real sure if we made up any ground on salvaging our relationship. I again was first to admit to my issues and what I need to work on, I apologized numerous times, but she as always was defensive and gave a bunch of excuses. And when I would ask her a question she would reply with another question or go off subject and never answer my question. So I dont know what to do. We are both strong willed and hard headed, what can I do to change this destructive behavior? Should I just take it and try to adjust if she is unwilling to change or admit to causing some of our problems? I am at my wit's end. 

There is so much more to this that I just dont have the time to type more, but if I get responses maybe I will tell more, because there are other issues such as hypocrisy, not wearing her wedding ring is ok, but if I forget to wear mine I get reemed, but if I even ask why she is not wearing it, she gets defensive and accuses me of not trusting her. So there is alot of stuff. Anybody out there with the same isues?


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## evenow (Oct 15, 2007)

I think you might need to have a conversation with her about if she wants to be married to you. If so, you might need to go to counseling. Actually, even if she doesn't want to go with you, go by yourself. I only have your side to go off of, but all the apologizing and pushing in the relationship doesn't sound normal or healthy. You're doing all the work.



> not wearing her wedding ring is ok, but if I forget to wear mine I get reemed, but if I even ask why she is not wearing it, she gets defensive and accuses me of not trusting her.


This is really troublesome. Do you think she could be looking for someone else? Unless she has some sort of past behavior to base it on, jumping to conclusions about another person's faithfulness usually casts a shadow on your own. (I unfortunately have a little experience in this area.)

She really doesn't seem to respect you right now. Has she always acted like this towards you, or was this change recent?


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## is it me? (Oct 24, 2007)

I did ask her if she wants to stay married and if she wants to continue to work on things and these are the questions she would not answer or go off on some other issue. I told her that I hoped that she had not given up on us and she replied by saying "its hard to know right this minute"

The wedding ring is troublesome to me because I was married once before and that ended on me getting cheated on so I have that past haunting me. She assures me that she would never do that, but so did the first wife.


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## is it me? (Oct 24, 2007)

oh and the counseling thing, I went by myself after first failed marriage when I was cheated on to help deal with that and learn to trust again, my present wife later came with me to those sessions but I was laid off and we stopped going. That counseling lasted about 3 months. We recently tried counseling again but once again only lasted 3 months at 1 time a week. My wife says she is to busy to go and thinks that the little bit of counseling we got didnt help so what is the point of going back. We never really got into getting to the root of our problems with both counseling times.


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## sweetpea (Jan 30, 2007)

I had to comment on your last post. Your wife sounds like she is giving you excuses for not working on your relationship, by saying "she is to busy for counseling". Counseling does not change relationships over night. You and her will need stick with counseling for longer time. You can find therapists that work on a sliding scale fee. Money should not be an excuse for her to ignore working her marriage. You can look at alternatives for counseling through your local churches, synagogues, and other religious/non religious organization.

I would ask her if your marriage is a priority for her and if it is, then she needs to seek help along with you to save your marriage. I would go alone if she does not want to go. Sounds like she is really not treating with respect and respect is vital in a marriage.

Jen

Good luck!


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## evenow (Oct 15, 2007)

I totally agree with sweetpea.



> I told her that I hoped that she had not given up on us and she replied by saying "its hard to know right this minute"


Um...that sounds like a passive-aggressive way of saying yes. Does she communicate with you at all? Does she talk about her needs and feelings or does it just become a list of what you aren't doing right?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

One question sorry make that two.

Why are you still married to her?

It seems very negative from all you have said, what is the redeeming quality?

draconis


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## is it me? (Oct 24, 2007)

evennow - 

I am not BS'ing you guys when I say this. I am the one that tries to get my wife to communicate with me in any form or fashion. I have to write her letters to get my feelings expressed without her running over me when we conversate. She tells me that she hates the letters, I tell her this is my perferred way of getting everything out thats on my mind so I dont forget and "bring it up later down the road" cause then I would be accused of bring up old stuff. As far as talking about her needs, it starts off with what she is wanting or needing, but then yes it turns into what I am not doing for her.


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## is it me? (Oct 24, 2007)

draconis - 

The main reasons I am still married to her is one because I do love her, we have a wonderful child together who is just truly amazing and smart and outgoing. It would kill me if we got divorced and our son changed into something bad. The other reason is financially. We have so much stuff wrapped financially together, a business, two homes, 401k's, assets and I know that it would not be pretty when came to splitting this all up. The last reason is this is my 2nd marriage and I cant stand the thought of being divorced for 2nd time, having two children (one by each wife) and trying to find a new life with a new mate, I dont feel like many women would want that burden.


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## is it me? (Oct 24, 2007)

draconis - 

The redeeming quality if you want to call it that, is my wife has always given me nice things, although I dont ask for them, she is very giving when it comes to tangible items. I think this is her way of trying to make me happy since she is never home and always working. Sorta like giving a kid bunches of toys because the parent is never around.


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## sweetpea (Jan 30, 2007)

You need to decide what your priorities are for you and your children. Sounds from your last statement, "Sorta like giving a kid bunches of toys because the parent is never around", that your are staying around for the nice things. Objects are not going to give you the emotional support or intimacy that you desire in your relationship. Sounds like she is trying to buy you off so that she does not have to be involved in the relationship


Jen


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## evenow (Oct 15, 2007)

is it me, I'd like to share a bit of my own experience and I hope it helps.

There was a time in my marriage where I was sick of being married. I thought I could do better and felt the "wandering eye" so to speak. At this time the interactions in our marriage got worse. I listened less, I blamed more and treated my husband like it really didn't matter if he was there. Without realizing it, through my actions I was telling him he wasn't important to me.

In my own case we took some time off other things and began planning for the future. And *I* realized (very important) that I did want to be married to him, I did respect him and I wanted to be the type of person that deserved him. So I sat him down, talked to him and I communicated to him a little of what I had been feeling.

I think the important thing is here that if she doesn't respect and desire you as a husband--there is little you can do. She has to make that decision to be a part of the marriage. You need to get yourself straight. Your son will not be any less of a wonderful kid if you two get divorced. You will have to give up the pitiful toys that replace the affection she won't give you. You will have to say "I put 100% into this marriage and it just didn't work with me alone holding it up." You are not Atlas. Being divorced once doesn't mean you have to hold up your next marriage no matter what to keep it from crashing to the earth.

I hope I'm not sounding cruel. I really hope everything works out, but please stop letting her treat you badly.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

is it me? said:


> draconis -
> 
> The main reasons I am still married to her is one because I do love her, we have a wonderful child together who is just truly amazing and smart and outgoing. It would kill me if we got divorced and our son changed into something bad. The other reason is financially. We have so much stuff wrapped financially together, a business, two homes, 401k's, assets and I know that it would not be pretty when came to splitting this all up. The last reason is this is my 2nd marriage and I cant stand the thought of being divorced for 2nd time, having two children (one by each wife) and trying to find a new life with a new mate, I dont feel like many women would want that burden.



I felt that way once and my relationship was a horrid because I settled. You can still find a good women.

Just because you are married doesn't mean your child will be happy. I wished and to this day believed that I would have been better off if my parents did divorce. So staying together in a verbally abusive, controlling, little love relationship isn't going to solve the ills of a child.

draconis


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

sweetpea said:


> You need to decide what your priorities are for you and your children. Sounds from your last statement, "Sorta like giving a kid bunches of toys because the parent is never around", that your are staying around for the nice things. Objects are not going to give you the emotional support or intimacy that you desire in your relationship. Sounds like she is trying to buy you off so that she does not have to be involved in the relationship
> 
> 
> Jen



Good point and what are you left with when the both of you retire? You need to either save the relationship or think if this is what you want for the rest of your life.

draconis


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## is it me? (Oct 24, 2007)

no offense taken by any of you guys posts. That is what this website is for right??? I want honesty and your opinions mean a lot. Thank you. I wish there was a way and the time to post every thing from my side to my wife's side to see what other people think, I know that is what a counselor is for, but I dont think she is down for that. I have started looking into returning by myself. We'll see what happens and keep you all posted. Please continue this thread I like hearing the responses and other stories that are similar to my situation.


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

there is more to life than tangible items.....I would gladly give up the house, cars, sense of financial freedom, to have the emotional connection with my husband.......you deserve better.....


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## is it me? (Oct 24, 2007)

kajira,

I told her that the other night and she got pissed at me and turned it around on me saying I was ungreatful. And all I was telling her that I would gladly give up all these things to just be happy and have a good relationship.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

is it me? said:


> kajira,
> 
> I told her that the other night and she got pissed at me and turned it around on me saying I was ungreatful. And all I was telling her that I would gladly give up all these things to just be happy and have a good relationship.


Here is my life story in short. Not to many years ago I had everything. Made good money had the three cars, great income place to live. I have MD and it got progressively worse. We lost everything. It was hard mostly on the kids that where use to having anything they wanted.

But the family still had one thing. LOVE.

I wouldn't trade the hardship of monry for the security of love, ever.

draconis


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

I do have to admit though, I am the one who "disconnected" about the time his affair was over, he was finally ready to be there for me. By that time I was tired of trying...anyway..your wife sounds a lot like i do now...she isn't connecting....the less i have to deal with him the better........it is hard when you love someone but come to the realization you are not in love with them.............


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

kajira ~ I would really love to see you start a thread about the disconnection. You are so articulate on this I would love to have your perspective to help others.

draconis


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## Cindy (May 10, 2008)

I posted on your other thread without reading this one first; this one paints a better picture of your wife. Yikes!

You have to stop apologizing for your honesty! If you call her out on her BS, don't apologize for it later. As much as some of us ladies (see I didn't generalize) like a sensitive guy, some of us like a little of the caveman too. In short, we (some) want a man we can respect. 

I'm not saying disregard her feelings, but don't apologize for asking her to acknowledge yours. Plus, an apology given often and quickly tells her you're just trying to smooth it over, not deal with the issue.

It's like she wants attention, and even negative attention is attention. I would ask her what's wrong one time. If she says "nothing", say ok and go about your business. Eventually, her tantrums should stop b/c she'll realize you aren't going to play into it. It won't yield her desired reaction, you wondering what you did wrong, how to fix it, and on your knees begging for forgiveness. (I'm ashamed to admit, my husband had to do this with me, but it worked) I honestly try to be straight up but sometimes I struggle. 

Also, try to stay on subject in your arguments. Let her know the discussion will stop when it turns into a list of what an a**hole she thinks you are. If she has a real issue, listen and ask her for a solution b/c it makes it harder to demonize you on a whim. Keep bringing the discussion back to the original issue. Tell her not to interrupt you or the conversation will be over. Seriously, walk away, drive away...runaway, lol. Before you know it, no more letters! You respect her enough to listen, encourage the same respect for yourself.

Expose the double standards like your wedding rings. Don't wear yours when she doesn't wear hers and tell her why when she complains. Just b/c she's the woman doesn't make her right, the man is not always wrong! My mother was this way to my dad and when I tried it on my husband, it went over like a popcorn fart in a hard wind, 

Hope this helps!


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