# confused and annoyed with marriage and family



## cheleyluna (Aug 19, 2011)

I'm a 37 and i have been married 17 years (May 6th) have 3 daughters 10,13,16. My husband is driving me up the wall. I asked him once what is our marriage and he couldn't even answer. He looked dumb
founded. You see for months I have been, feeling cooped up and stressed about the household and he does nothing. He works, comes home, and gets on the computer and sleeps. reads reads reads. I have to almost make an excuse of important needs to get him to go anywhere. He complains that he is behind the wheel for 2 hrs a day outside of work time and does not want to go anywhere. In addition, when he does want to go. It's only if he needs or wants something. I have children that do not listen, a house of animals i want outside, i have to home school my 13-year-old because of the schools bad issues and the school we tried they won't let her in. we have no transportation to get her to another school. I don't drive, never have. When i think of getting it, i cringe and know that we can't afford for me to have my license. Many people think that my husband is afraid that if i
get my license i won't need him. I do everything in the home, even fix things. When he does take me to get household needs he stays in the car. I have to look pitiful just to talk him into coming into the store with me. Only
time he steps up is when the state says clean up your property or else. He only lifts a finger when he fears the state welfare is going to show up at our door ecause someone in the neighborhood gets annoyed. He only helps with the kids when i started getting so angry he can hear it through his headphones, oh, yeah he doesn't want to hear the noise in the house so he puts headphones on. I have to yell or touch him just to get his attention. He only punishes the kids when they disturb his sleep. He only pays a lot of attention to me when he wants sex. Only time he doesn't mess with me is if I'm ill or doing schoolwork. After i gave him the words about what is our marriage. He talked like the only way to fix this is going places. I told him, NO, i wanted him to be more of a father and help more
with the kids. I hate home schooling. He doesn't help with it and it was his idea not mine. Half the time the kids talk as if he doesn't exist. Asking everything of me. My oldest said if we divorced, she would just move out
on her own. My middle one says she would live with my husband because he isn't as strict as i am. I'm not strict per say, i just want their room clean and chores done. We used to have allot in common, now we don't. When i
bring up stuff we used to do, he doesn't say much. He keeps changing his direction he wants to go for bettering our financial situation and yet the house and kids are not being part of that. He reads all this self-help, self-motivation
stuff for work, yet does not do anything toward our marriage or the kids. Half the time it's like he does not exist in the house. We don't eat together, we sleep together, but there are times i want to sleep in the living room instead. When i do he wakes and makes me come to bed or he doesn't go back to sleep and blames me for his bad day at work due to lack of sleep. We are a Christian family, but even people at church see this and yet do not ask Greg why I do everything. My friends have never seen him lift a finger. He doesn't drink, but he smokes cigars, just not around the kids and when they are not in the car, he smokes in the car with me in it and even when i tell him it bothers me, he doesn't care. We are all asthmatics yet he won't quit. He had quit once for 8 years and asked if he could smoke a cigar occasionally and that changed to a pack of cigars a day. Because he can't smoke in the house, he reads on his phone outside while smoking. I sound like I'm nitpicking, it's bad when my family and friends see what he doesn't want to see, that i am tired of and it's not their influence. They just see the stress i have to go through because he doesn't want my middle child in school and doesn't want me to work a job where he doesn't
see me at all. He barely sees me when he is home. It's like we coexist and not mix. At home, he is more like a taxi
paycheck. Nothing else. Maybe they are right if i get my license and a job, where would he fit in. hate thinking
like that, but with all i do in our home. I even told him when I get some extra school money that I'm taking
a week away from everyone, house, kids, him and other family members. He said that was fine, as long as it's not anywhere my old high school male friends live (whether they are married or otherwise) I grew up a military brat and well tomboy character, most of my friends are guys. Male and female friends heard this and called him insecure. I have been with him 17 years and he doesn’t trust me. They think he is just scared that I would find someone better than him. Believe me when I say this, yes some of those guys are better than him, they are also
married and those who are not have traits I would not tolerate outside of friendship, I have to many friends male friends who like to drink and party to much sense high school. I would not want for myself. I have even counseled them on how they treat their girlfriends or help them figure out what kind of girl they were looking for. He knows this and accepts the male friends that way. We do not live in the states mind you and some of my vacation ideas are coming from all of them. It's not one of those old boyfriends wanting me around kind of thing. Don’t want any of them, LoL I am just SOOO tired. For me this vacation thing will just give me a week of no responsibilities and also show my family how much I do that won't get done while I'm gone. I also fear that when I return from it, the house will be a total wreck or my oldest will be put to do everything without help. Yet at the same time when I'm really
sick she barely lifts a finger. *Any suggestions?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Seems like you have lost yourself, who you are. Thats common sometimes when one person seems to be doing the rest of what someone else could be helping out with. 

I would suggest MC. You need to suggest that to him. If he refuses, then you should go to IC for yourself. Its hard to do the things you need to do like, help maintain a home, home school a child, and take care fo other things when its just one person.

You could also try family counseling as well. Your kids are old enough to attend something like that. That way you have a third party (the counselor) who can let them know you are needing some help and that things need to change.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Just a suggestion, but I think you should seriously consider getting a driver's license. You already do everything pretty much on your own anyway, so why bother with having your husband be your taxi service? Let him sit home smoking cigars while you go buy groceries.

Your children have two role models. You, who are killing yourself to do everything, and your husband, who seems to be (by your explanation) someone who doesn't wish to be bothered by his family. As you can see, your oldest child doesn't want to do much to help around the house, so she is modeling her behavior after her father. Your second child would live with her father if you two split, because he is "less strict." In other words, she can lay around and be a lazy slob too.

Was he always this disinterested in being married and having children, or did this evolve over a period of time?

Since you're shouldering most of the responsibilities and getting completely stressed out, could it be possible that some of your stress comes out as yelling at the kids, yelling at your husband, being short-tempered, or sarcastic? Just asking. Heck, you're only human, and if you're taking on this much it's probably going to make you blow your stack just to vent occasionally.

The bunch of deadweights might see this as you playing the role of the b!tch, so they just hunker down and continue to believe doing nothing is a-okay.

This is a polite request, and I should make it more often, but could you put some spaces between paragraphs? My eyes tend to jump from line to line when there is no spacing. I frequently want to read a post, but have problems because it's just one huge paragraph. I want to make sure I read everything a poster is writing so I don't mess up when I respond. I'd certainly appreciate it, and thanks!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Get a driver's license. Seriously.


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## cheleyluna (Aug 19, 2011)

its 2 years later and things have changed. i left the house for a week and they got the picture. then a year later my oldest moved out and things changed more. my husband gets on to the kids more now and helps more. it was like leaving for the week scared them. he realized how much i do and he doesn't do. we stopped home schooling which helps. no i have not got my liecence yet. i have lso reduced what i do ariound here and to answer one person, yes i yelled a lot, but even that never worked.


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