# Was it an EA? Starting MC this week....



## remindme (Nov 2, 2012)

Some background: I'm 39, H is 46. Been married a year, my second and his first. We've known each other for 25 years as we are from the same hometown. Due to my child custody arrangement and his job requirements, we have 2 separate houses about 2 hours apart. I am at his house 3 nights a week as I work in the town where he lives (and my kids are with their dad those nights). The rest of the week I am at my house with my children. 

Last week I logged on to check the cell phone bill. Not sure why, but I felt like I should look at the usage details as well. I found that he had been sending and receiving many texts with a certain phone number. The frequency of texting had increased dramatically the past week or so. I asked him who the number belonged to, and it is a woman who was his roommate a few years ago. He hadn't talked to her in 4 years, until she texted him a few weeks ago to let him know she was getting a divorce (her husband is also a friend of my husband's), and to see if he could help her move. 

He had told me that she texted to tell him about the separation and ask for help moving, but that's all he said about talking to her. And I was OK with that because I knew they'd been good friends in the past. So I was shocked when I saw that for the past 5 weeks or so, he has initiated communication via texting with her 3-5 days a week. They texted anywhere from 15-60 times a day. Plus, there were many pictures texted back and forth during this time. 

I have been feeling very betrayed by him because I had no idea he was texting another woman that often. He swears they have been just catching up, that there's zero intention for anything else, and that nothing inappropriate was ever said or shared. Am I unrealistic in my disappointment? Isn't texting another woman that often, without me knowing, a form of lying & deceit? How can I know if it truly is an EA?

My concern is that he doesn't understand what boundaries must be in place in a marriage, as far as opposite sex relationships are concerned. He says he "just doesn't think" about stuff like that, but he admits it looks bad from the outside. We start MC this week....


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Tell him that the reason that "it looks bad from the outside" is because it is bad. Tell him that what he is doing means that he is either already in an emotional affair (EA) or that he is heading into one. Do not wait for the MC meeting. Take action now. Demand that he end all contact with this other women (OW) now. Tell him that although you are not asking him to be rude about it, that it does not matter if he is polite either, as long as he ends it now. Lay down the law now before he gets in too deep. The longer that you wait to put your foot down, the more likely that he will pick her over his marraige.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

remindme said:


> I was shocked when I saw that for the past 5 weeks or so, he has initiated communication via texting with her 3-5 days a week. They texted anywhere from 15-60 times a day. Plus, there were many pictures texted back and forth during this time.
> 
> I have been feeling very betrayed by him because I had no idea he was texting another woman that often. He swears they have been just catching up, that there's zero intention for anything else, and that nothing inappropriate was ever said or shared. Am I unrealistic in my disappointment? Isn't texting another woman that often, without me knowing, a form of lying & deceit? How can I know if it truly is an EA?
> 
> My concern is that he doesn't understand what boundaries must be in place in a marriage, as far as opposite sex relationships are concerned. He says he "just doesn't think" about stuff like that, but he admits it looks bad from the outside. We start MC this week....


Have you asked him to show you the content of the texts and pictures exchanged?

Were they deleted? If so, why? Also, if so, does he delete texts from everybody or just her? Also, if so, have you asked him not to delete any texts to/from in the future so you can see the content?

The content of the texts will tell you all you need to know.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Oh dear....
Hes 46 and now getting married (formal commitment) He cannot see from the immeadiate start that texting or anyother communication with someone of the opposite sex and not offering up this is happening is wrong? He's either playing dumb or thinking others are.
You are right to be concerned. You are right to want to know and youy are right in expecting a honest response to any questions over this you feel are appropriate. If as asked above he is hidding, deleting texts then is it from/to the OW or is it general, is he a serial deleter who just bumps off anything as soon as its sent/read ?
Pictures is always a naughty one as you cannot get at them and validate their true content. Multiple texts in a day can be harmless as each one may be a single like statment and therefore looks pretty bad on a cell bill. But can you read them on his phone on demand? is there a history of these you can see. It sound like a over reaction to some but you are entilted to have your mind put at piece by himbeing completely open and transparent. Something hes not yet been. 
Do somemore digging, ask about anything you find suspious and don be put off with a " are you calling me a cheat" statment - Sadly there are some people out there that just have not concept of "foresaking all others"


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## remindme (Nov 2, 2012)

He had deleted all texts to and from her, as well as from everyone else, including me. So there's no way I can read them for content or see what pics were sent and received. I guess I have to take his word about them. But I will admit, i'm not sure I believe everything was as innocent as he claims. 

He has not texted or talked to her since I confronted him, as per the phone info online, which is updated daily through our cell provider. She texted him a few days ago, which he told me about and let me see, then he asked if he should reply to her. And if so, what did i think he should say? Her text was nothing, just a "haven't heard from you for a few days, everything ok?" I told him to reply and tell her the truth: that he was stepping over the line in texting her so often since he's now married. As of right now, he hasn't replied to her text at all. Think he's hoping it'll be ignored for awhile, and maybe the MC will advise me that he should be ablae to have OSF still. I'm just not sure. 

In all fairness, my first divorce was due to my exH having an affair and ultimately leaving me for the mistress. So I have some issues with OSF from that. However, I'm completely comfortble with us hanging out in groups or with another couple. 

As a side note, my current H has always been very open sexually, completely immodest. When he was roommates with this other woman and her STBExH, the 3 of them would sometimes have drinks and play strip poker and stuff like that. So the fact that he's seen her naked numerous times also bothers me a little.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

remindme said:


> As of right now, he hasn't replied to her text at all. Think he's hoping it'll be ignored for awhile, and maybe the MC will advise me that he should be ablae to have OSF still. I'm just not sure. .


Still not replied yet all it took with you there was some 30 seconds to send a simple. Sorry, I really shouldnt have been texting you so much I too have to remember Im married and there are boundries.

He choose not to send which in my suspious mind says he wont send and he wants the door open - I hate to say it I suspect he's planning to continue to talk and do what hes been doing which is of course have a EA. The issue of past lives tells me there is a stronger connection than hes admitting to as well. You need to stay alert and monitor the issue and let him see you are as well.


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