# Am I in the wrong?



## sally21 (Sep 30, 2012)

New here, hope you don't mind my long post!

Both me and hubby are mid 20's. We were married a year ago. We recently emigrated from the UK to North america. Big changes!

Anyways, I feel completely unappreciated and like he doesn't care for me. Common complaint I know.

Example: I asked him to come to bed to cuddle before we went to sleep. I know he's not into cuddling so I don't ask him very often. He said yes, go to bed and I'll be right there. He never showed up, just continued playing on his laptop until I fell asleep. A few days later, I asked again, he did the same thing.


I've tried initiating sex a few times and outright saying, hey, lets have sex tonight. He says ok, then stays up so late I am too tired to have sex when he comes to bed. I offer hand jobs, blow jobs and don't ask for anything in return, he turns them down.

He asked me to make dinner as he'd be home late from work. I made a nice dinner, lit candles, dressed up. When I picked him up from work, all was fine, then when we walked in the door he said he was going out to play sports. I said ok, and blew out the candle. He asked if I was going to sulk, I said no, but I made a nice dinner at YOUR request and you're now just leaving. I finally have a night off when I don't have to get up early for work the next day, so I was looking forward to spending time with you. He says we are together all the time. I said no, you sit on the laptop and ignore me, not quality time.

Two weeks ago we were driving home and he said he wanted a separation, when I enquired why, he said I was boring and he wasn't attracted to me. Not sure why he said that as I haven't changed my routines or anything, nor have I changed my physical apperance since we've met, same weight etc. 

The other day we were joking around and he said he wanted a new games console, as the one he brought from home doesn't work in north america. I said, well we can't really afford it, we're trying to get on our feet financially wise. He said he would give me more hugs and love if he could get an xbox. I asked if he was kidding and he said hesitated and then yes, but I could tell there was a grain of truth to it. I said, 'I am worth more to myself, than having to stoop so low as to buy your love.' He tried to laugh it off, but I just got up and walked away. Really, so for me to feel loved he needs to be bought stuff??

He stays up late then sleeps in until minutes before he has to go to work, so our dogs aren't fed or walked (I leave early morning, he works later in the day). I do all the dog walking and feeding, which I don't mind, but even on his days off when I am at work, he won't walk or feed them.

There is more, I could go on and on, but you get the gist. I don't nag, I am always happy and welcoming him home, and I feel like I am waay down his list of priorities. 

I asked him to read the 5 love languages because when I read it, it really helped me understand, he took the quiz (but refuses to read it) so we know what each other's love languages are, and I make a conscious effort to use words of affirmation and the other gift giving one that is his love language, but he won't use affection of words of affirmation back to me, which is mine. He doesn't say I love you anymore of his own accord, and if I say it to him, his reply is grunted out and I can tell it doesn't mean anything to him, it's just words. 

I got the dvd of the love languages so it's literally passive watching, and he won't watch it. The other day when he told me he wanted to separate, he came home and started googling 'separation in our state' and I asked him, have you ever googled, 'how to improve your marriage?' and he said no. So he is already going straight to the end. To me this says he has no interest in me or this marriage. When I really press him, he says he does want to improve. The improvement lasts two days and it's gone. And counselling is out, he absolutely refuses to go. We tried pre marital counselling and he sat in stony silence the whole time, it was so embarrassing.

What do I do? What would YOU do? Neither of us can move out because the emigration wiped out our savings. We put every penny to getting here and it's all falling apart  

Thanks for reading.


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## frootloop (Dec 20, 2010)

It doesn't seem like he's really willing to put *any* effort into being married. If you're young with no kids, I think you should break up - maybe find a guy who's more emotionally mature.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Maybe you can check with an electronics store for a power converter. I am guessing 220 volts 50 hertz in U.K.? 

120 volts 60 hertz in U.S.

Sorry I can't help with other stuff, but sure sounds like he is missing home and is depressed. 

Maybe sit and have a good heart to heart talk with him?


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## sally21 (Sep 30, 2012)

No kids, I have thought about just cutting it loose because he seems to have no interest in being a husband or putting effort in. I think he believes a good relationship is easy. Um no!

The power converter isn't the problem, it's because xbox have different xboxes for the UK and north america! So his won't play any games here, and games at home cost twice as much plus shipping costs. But thank you for the thought!

I asked him if he's depressed or homesick, he says absolutely not, he loved it here. Also since this has been going on since before we moved, I don't think it's that. I think he is emotionally immature. But I feel like a failure giving up after a year


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Wow...guy in 20's refuses sex offers from his wife???

I'm baffled unless he is 

1. Gay
2. Physically sick so go to doc to rule out
3. Mentally very I'll....does not sound depressed if he is going out to play sports etc?
4. In love with someone else...even then he might want you too being a young man....

Even if he is depressed at that age he might want some sex....when I'm depressed I still want sex a lot.


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## sally21 (Sep 30, 2012)

Haha I thought gay too! When we do have it, it's really good. But yeah, who the hell turns down a no strings attached blowjob?

He had a medical right before we left, he passed with flying colours. 

I almost wish it was an affair or in love with someone else because then I'd at least know what the problem was! But he sits on the laptop playing games. Occasionally he'll come to bed and still play on the laptop while I sleep in the bed beside him. Is it possible to be addicted to a laptop??


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## sally21 (Sep 30, 2012)

Another thing which is weird, I have pretty strong opinions and morals regarding a certain aspect of myself. I've been this way for 18 years and before I date people, I always have a conversation to see what their opinion is on this subject. If it is the same as mine, cool, we will get along fine. I am pretty ridgid about it because I know I wouldn't be happy if someone felt differently about this subject than I do. So all is fine, hubby agrees with me totally. The other day he blindsided me and said, actually he feels totally opposite to what his opinion/morals were when we started dating. He always felt this way apparently, and just agreed with me because he liked me I guess? So now I'm torn about it because he lied to me about something that is really important on my moral compass. What the hell buddy!?


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

what moral is that?


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## sally21 (Sep 30, 2012)

Not religious lol the killing of animals for sport, such as hunting or fishing. I'm veggie, I never asked nor expected him to be, and he's not, which is fine. But he agreed that killing an animal for sport isn't right and he'd never do it. He now says he does agree with it and he wants to do it. I was so not expecting that. Not a big deal to a lot of folks, but a big deal to me, which is why I have that conversation with potential partners, so that this exact situation doesn't happen.


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## frootloop (Dec 20, 2010)

So, in addition to his other stellar traits he is also a liar...


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## mrsball (Sep 18, 2012)

Hi Sally,
Am in a similar situation after moving from UK to Australia with my hubby this year. 
Sounds like there are a lot of unspoken issues, expectations, etc. Don't rule out some form of depression, its natural wirh a move like this, makes you reassess every area of your life. Also, did he have to change the kind of work he's doing? My H did and its almost impossible for him to deal with, going from top dog to bottom of the ladder! 
None of this excuses anything, but its worth considering. 
Would love to chat to you about this, if you think it will help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I'm so sorry but he said he's not attracted to you and want to separate. That is why he doesn't want to have sex with you. I'm not sure why he married you. He hasn't moved out because he can't afford it I'm guessing. He's being honest here but are you "really" listening.

You say you wish he was having an affair so you would at least know what the problem is but he told you what the problem is.

I guess you could try the 180 for yourself & maybe win him back at the same time.

What would I do? Ignore him & treat him like a roommate until I can afford to get a place of my own.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Emerald said:


> I'm so sorry but he said he's not attracted to you and want to separate. That is why he doesn't want to have sex with you. I'm not sure why he married you. He hasn't moved out because he can't afford it I'm guessing. He's being honest here but are you "really" listening.
> 
> You say you wish he was having an affair so you would at least know what the problem is but he told you what the problem is.
> 
> ...


Unfortunately I have to agree with Emerald here. The problem that you're probably facing is your Husband was a Husband before he was a man.

What I mean is MOST men don't grow into their own skin until their mid to late 20's (and that's being generous) or even 30's (which is more realistic). We're still trying to figure ourselves out in our 20's.

When you two first met, he was still a "work in progress" internally and incapable of making the commitments truly needed for marriage. Now that he's "sculpted" himself, it doesn't match up with you. You're definitely not wrong here, you just married a man who wasn't ready to be married. Go find a man in his early 30's, you'll see a BIG difference, and if you don't then find another man in his 30's LOL. There are mature guys out there who will give you all that you crave and more (also wait until you're divorced before you do LOL)


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

He spends all his time on a laptop. Jerks you around by getting you to prepare dinner when he has plans to go play sports. Suddenly reveals to you something you see as important he lied about. He's trying to get out of the marriage. My suspicion is he's found an alternative already.


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