# A letter not delivered...



## changehappens (Sep 14, 2010)

Should I send this? I wrote it more than a year ago and have not delivered it to my wife. We're estranged and haven't been on track for more than 5 years now. I'm home weekends but we basically keep our distance. If anything 'serious'comes up, I'm ready to shut down and go into avoidance mode. It's crappy I know. I'm in a rut I know. There's lots wrong with it I know. 

The letter....
You’re probably going to be pissed after reading this because you want some words from me that are loving and hopeful and future-looking. But, I don’t have many words in me like that in me right now. Instead, what I have is this: 

It seems to me that somehow, and for our whole marriage, including now, the fact and knowledge that you have the power to change things between us for the better has eluded you. You have had it all along – the ability to make or change or improve our relationship to make it the way you have always wanted it to be; just as you want it. And it’s been so simple that it’s sort of funny in a way, and hard to believe in another that someone as intelligent as you are hasn’t figured it out. I feel that I’ve been driven out of you and that you’ve missed the opportunity to seize the power you have by crossing your arms, by protecting yourself from me, by turning away, by controlling my hands, by being restricting, by boxing me out and away from you, by not letting me in, by demanding respect for something I can’t and probably never will understand about you, that I finally quit trying to get in to you; someone I truly loved and for whom I had strong and intense feelings and desires. I’ve turned away and those feelings and desires have withered. And I find it ironic that we’re now at a point when you think you might want to let me back in a little, and I don’t want to – or can’t – come back. And that’s because even though you feel that you might be able to let me in a little, it’s only a little. You’ve never figured out what it really takes to make me happy and even through this morning I strongly get the message from you that you’re trying to keep the focus of all that is us as a beam that shines mainly on you – what can I do to make you happy – how can I win you back – how I should/need to consider your feelings when, if in 10 years we don’t go on a cruise – how I need to address the feelings and hurt the bad stuff I’ve done has caused for you. But I keep wondering how I can work to rebuild the relationship in the absence of the thing that caused the disintegration of that relationship in the first place. I end up feeling that the main point you’re trying to instill in me is not so much a feeling of willingness, happiness and desire to rebuild the image of what we once had, but rather, a feeling of guilt and shame for what I destroyed and from that the presumption that motivation to repair and restore will drive me to repentance. 

I heard a thing on the radio today that was discussed as the punching bag theory. It had to do with the idea that a person who has something in them that they don’t like, seeks out a person with that exact quality and then marries them. They then get to transfer the feelings about the thing that is inside them they don’t like onto the other person and then try to change that person to try and eliminate the thing that is bad. I wonder if there is anything like that going between you and I? I’m not sure what it is, but I also can’t dismiss a feeling that I’ve had for some time that for some reason, you don’t like something about me, and that you have to force-change it to make me become the way you think I should be. 

So many times I’ve wondered about the old phrase concerning honey and fly’s – what the hell happened to the honey we had when we were first married? Why do I feel that you felt after the knot was tied, for some reason, that you could back up and drop – not immediately, but over time - all the sweetness and love and affection that attracted me to you in the first place. What about the honey? I can’t help but think that for some reason, you felt that it was supposed to disappear over time; supposed to become (as if it’s normal and everyone does it) some sort of arms-length method of affection; that the do-not-touch zones become the rule rather than opportunity; it’s like mistrust and guardedness started slowly seeping into our fabric even a long time ago. 

I was always there, ready and trying to do whatever it took to bring that honey out of you, tried to bring that out of you in all the ways I could think of and you felt that I was rejecting you - because I didn’t or couldn’t figure out your particular idiosyncratic requirements that would have kindled your affection towards me. I don’t get it. You had the power – you always had the control to make it be your way. I’d be like a ball of clay in your hands. You just never placed me on the wheel and started the motor. 

You mentioned that you’ve thought about others – had opportunities but never took them – considered romance involving someone else. Did you ever place the feelings you had at those moments into the context of our relationship – in terms of trying to make those kinds of feelings happen between us when things weren’t going so well? 

The bottom line is that men (I) are (am) basically (a) pretty simple animal(s). The jokes about how all a man needs to be happy are a beer and a blowjob are simply based on truth in a crude sense. I’m sorry if you want it to be more sophisticated, but it’s basically not that complex. I don’t want it to be that complex – I’d slay dragons to keep it simple. Why couldn’t you ever just make me feel like a man? I’d slay a hundred dragons for you if you did that one simple thing. And in the end, wouldn’t that have made you feel loved?


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## Annie Mouse (Sep 8, 2010)

Hi changehappens,

your letter is not bad. When you wrote it you must have been full of emotion and feel that some things say more than someone like me 'an outsider' can see. I have no way of knowing what your wife will think of this letter if you deliver it but it gives your true feelings and if you are unable to speak them, and if she will actually read it, then go ahead and give it to her because I think I do see bits in there that say that you do want things to be really good. That's after giving it some consideration.
Now I will tell you the things that I think will jump out at your wife from this letter. Remember men and women are different and the things that stand out to you may not even seem significant to her. We don't mean to see things differently from men. We just do!
First off the comment " And it’s been so simple that it’s sort of funny in a way, and hard to believe in another that someone as intelligent as you are hasn’t figured it out." is an argument asking to happen, whatever it is you meant by this, she will read "You are more stupid than I can believe!"
There are a couple of things I need to point out. There's a lot of asking why she wouldn't make you happy in there and there's a couple of references to her being able to take control and make everything perfect (ball of clay). Both of these will scream blame to her. Like the whole thing has fallen apart solely because of her and while I do not know her and this may be completely true, it's unlikely.
To take those things further. One thing I know is she will NEVER be able to make you happy. It is because we make ourselves happy, or sad, or whatever. all feelings are internal. You must do what is right for you to make you happy. Hopefully this can be done without destroying a relationship but if you have to be sad so that your partner can be happy, then that is not going to work.
Next telling her that she had the controls but wasn't using them is not fair. You also had control. Maybe she's not interested in controlling you and you have misinterpreted her desire to do things that make her happy as a want to control you. 
Blaming her for things going wrong is passing the buck. I don't know how much effort you have put into the relationship but, if you want things to improve, ask your wife, what can YOU do to make her feel things are getting better. Take the reigns, because she's not going to. Tell her what you need. Tell her specifically what she did that was adorable in the past that you want to see again. Tell her often because then she will fell appreciated for those little things and be more likely to do them.

That's all I can come up with right now. Good luck to you. I feel you do want things to work out and I wish you the very best.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Annie Mouse said:


> One thing I know is she will NEVER be able to make you happy. It is because we make ourselves happy, or sad, or whatever. all feelings are internal.


With respect Annie Mouse if you truly think a wife cannot “make” a man happy, joyful, sad, depressed, motivated, demotivated, angry, blissful etc. etc. then I’m here to tell you you I think you are so very wrong.

How do I know that? Just read the topics on this board. That’s what it’s all about, it’s all about emotions.

Sure we are essentially an optimist or pessimist. We’re “normally” happy or sad. But if you truly think a man’s emotions are not in some ways dependent upon the behaviour of the woman they’ve chosen to share their life with you are so very wrong. At least from my point of you.

In all my time with my wife I’ve experienced the bliss of watching the birth of my two sons. I’ve seen my wife amazingly contended and deeply unhappy. I’ve experienced these emotions with her. I’ve been blissfully happy, depressed and suicidal. I’ve been motivated and demotivated.

When people are married, they “share” their emotions, that’s where the deep connection is. It’s what makes us human.

There are people in the world who are seemingly “unaffected” emotionally by another’s behaviour. These people don’t seem to have empathy. They can be very dangerous people.

Bob


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Changehappens,
Five years is a very long time to be in an unhappy marriage. Maybe the two of you just aren’t suited to one another.

I went wrong in never thinking of failure as an option. Always tried working on myself and trying to get my wife to see things in different ways. But my wife didn’t “grow” and at the end of the day I got fed up with the dysfunctional behaviour. My wife didn’t change one little bit in all the years I knew her and she’s still the same now after nearly a year of separation.

What does “failure” by way of divorce look like to you?

Change does indeed happen. It sounds like you're ready for it.

Bob


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

If all you want are blowjobs and beer why don't you hire a prostitute and go to the liquor store more often? If I read that line I'd run, run and run some more. Perhaps the ability to change things for the better has been inside of you all along as well but you were too busy thinking about blowjobs and drinking beer?

I'd guess that it's also not something she doesn't like about you but instead years of resentment. The same might be true for you because you come across as resentful. 

You want a new start then you have to both be willing to begin anew. This letter is riddled with projected anger and resentment in my honest opinion. I wouldn't give it to your wife it will then be transfered to her and be added to her list of resentments for you.

You also say that she has the power but this completely neglects the power of your letter which attacks her and cuts her down right and left. Stop looking so accusingly at one another if you want to be together. Instill new rules and try them out. Rules (or guidelines) where you both get things you want. For example, you get a blow job whenever you want and she gets something that she wants from whenever she wants (maybe don't start with a blowjob and begin with a kiss or hug or something less selfish to build intimacy--would be my opinion).

Otherwise, you could decide you don't want to try at all and then get rid of the letter and get a divorce lawyer.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

AFEH said:


> With respect Annie Mouse if you truly think a wife cannot “make” a man happy, joyful, sad, depressed, motivated, demotivated, angry, blissful etc. etc. then I’m here to tell you you I think you are so very wrong.
> 
> How do I know that? Just read the topics on this board. That’s what it’s all about, it’s all about emotions.
> 
> ...


Wow... To rely on someone else for emotional control will not work! It is not one person's responsibility to make another happy, sad or angry. Emotions are the property of the owner, and to suggest that someone else should have the responsibility for them is an excuse.

Take any anger management class... The first lesson on the first day teaches you that you are the one who makes yourself angry. The same applies to sad, happy, frustrated or any other emotion.

A person can certainly affect someones mood with regard to the way they are feeling at that moment, but they cannot and do not have control of that person's emotions.

That is like someone telling you that they can make you like eggplant.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

moogvo said:


> Wow... To rely on someone else for emotional control will not work! It is not one person's responsibility to make another happy, sad or angry. Emotions are the property of the owner, and to suggest that someone else should have the responsibility for them is an excuse.
> 
> Take any anger management class... The first lesson on the first day teaches you that you are the one who makes yourself angry. The same applies to sad, happy, frustrated or any other emotion.
> 
> ...


I disagree. If you are living your life with someone and truly sharing your life with them then there is a mutual emotional connection. For example, if my husband cheats on me I will feel pain and sadness and anger. It's not whether or not the actions of others effect us emotionally *it's about how we react* to the emotions we feel.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

moogvo said:


> Wow... To rely on someone else for emotional control will not work! It is not one person's responsibility to make another happy, sad or angry. Emotions are the property of the owner, and to suggest that someone else should have the responsibility for them is an excuse.
> 
> Take any anger management class... The first lesson on the first day teaches you that you are the one who makes yourself angry. The same applies to sad, happy, frustrated or any other emotion.
> 
> ...


I entirely disagree. Of course we all own our own emotions and what we do with them. Surely that goes without saying.

But do you seriously believe you can live in a world totally emotionally unaffected by those closest to you?

Does it not make you feel happy to see a son enjoy his new bike? And proud because you worked your butt off to buy it for him?

Would it not make you feel distraught to see your wife in your bed with another man?

And of course there are people who are emotionally controlling and others who let their emotions be controlled. That’s what boundaries are all about.

Emotions are a human’s most basic of things. And of course we must learn to name them and control them when the need arises. But to be totally emotionally unaffected by those around me is a world I simply cannot comprehend. To live without empathy for others is not where I’m at. I’ve always had empathy for others and that’s the way I like to be.

Bob


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Trenton said:


> If all you want are blowjobs and beer why don't you hire a prostitute and go to the liquor store more often? If I read that line I'd run, run and run some more. Perhaps the ability to change things for the better has been inside of you all along as well but you were too busy thinking about blowjobs and drinking beer?
> 
> I'd guess that it's also not something she doesn't like about you but instead years of resentment. The same might be true for you because you come across as resentful.
> 
> ...


I believe it’s a spouses “duty” in a marriage to rid themselves of resentment. The spouse should work their way through their resentment, preferable with their partner. If their partner wont join in then they should do it by themselves. They should forgive and eventually the offence fades into long term memory.

I’ve never understood the spouse who holds onto bitterness and resentment in one hand and in the other take all the love, security, care, help and support they need from their partner.

Surely if they are that resentful and unwilling to work their way through it they should leave their spouse and make their way through life without them.

I ended up resenting my wife’s resentment that literally went back decades. I found that this time I was simply unwilling to forgive so we split up. I’m still very resentful. There’s no way I can live with her and take what she gives me while I feel that way. I would feel like a two faced fraud.

Bob


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Trenton said:


> I disagree. If you are living your life with someone and truly sharing your life with them then there is a mutual emotional connection. For example, if my husband cheats on me I will feel pain and sadness and anger. It's not whether or not the actions of others effect us emotionally *it's about how we react* to the emotions we feel.


Absolutely agree. I actually think the deeper the emotional connection the better but on the other hand we shouldn’t look to just one person in our life to meet all our emotional needs. That’s why competitive sports, a solid, good and successful career, a spiritual and charitable life etc. are all so important to our individual emotional well being.

Bob


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

moogvo said:


> Wow... To rely on someone else for emotional control will not work! It is not one person's responsibility to make another happy, sad or angry. Emotions are the property of the owner, and to suggest that someone else should have the responsibility for them is an excuse.
> 
> Take any anger management class... The first lesson on the first day teaches you that you are the one who makes yourself angry. The same applies to sad, happy, frustrated or any other emotion.
> 
> ...


Never been to an anger management class. Never had the need.

Bob


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## Annie Mouse (Sep 8, 2010)

Bob,

I do understand your opinions and appreciate your point of view. I see that you feel emotions based on what is happening around you and then appoint the resposibility for your feelings to the person who caused the action that made you react.
But really to suggest that people who do not put the responsibility on others for their world crashing around them makes them emotionally unaffected is a misunderstanding. 
You see I have been affected by your response. I have many judgemental feelings about it that I won't make you suffer, but that's because I know it is the stubbornness inside of me that I think I am a good person and what you said does not correspond with my idea of a 'good person' so it upset me. My opinion of your response is what upset me, not really your response.
It's hard to explain


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Annie Mouse said:


> Bob,
> 
> I do understand your opinions and appreciate your point of view. I see that you feel emotions based on what is happening around you and then appoint the resposibility for your feelings to the person who caused the action that made you react.
> But really to suggest that people who do not put the responsibility on others for their world crashing around them makes them emotionally unaffected is a misunderstanding.
> ...


It’s ok AnnieMouse. Reckon we’re all struggling in one way or another and that’s why we’re here. If our life were a Bunch of Roses, surely we’d be doing other things?

“But really to suggest that people who do not put the responsibility on others for their world crashing around them does not make them emotionally unaffected”.

I didn’t say that. If that’s how I came over it’s not at all what I meant. In one way or another we are affected by people around us. More especially the ones we love and are dedicated to. If that person is causing us a sadness that we can’t overcome and at the same time live with them then surely it is our duty to take care of ourselves and leave the relationship. For some of us it’s a big and brave step to take.

I truly wish you all happiness with your big and brave step. Be assured you will find what you’re looking for. Life’s like that.

Bob


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## Annie Mouse (Sep 8, 2010)

"I truly wish you all happiness with your big and brave step. Be assured you will find what you’re looking for. Life’s like that."

I do for you too Bob


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## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

AFEH said:


> I’ve never understood the spouse who holds onto bitterness and resentment in one hand and in the other take all the love, security, care, help and support they need from their partner.


WOW!! That hits home. I like this line....it so accurately describes my situation. I might use this....unless you've got copyright protection.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Annie Mouse I think you should speak out and let us all suffer your opinions and thoughts. Ironically, you say in one hand you won't speak your mind but at the same time are speaking your mind.

Communication, when done between mature adults, can lead to great growth. You can take the risk on me suffering any time. I love blunt honesty. Perhaps this just makes us different people really. I value honesty more than any other characteristic or emotional/physical trait. I'd rather have negative emotions and know the truth than live in a lie of pretend bliss. It's like the theme of countless books...Brave New World, The Giver, etc...

I wish everyone joy and happiness (except when under the influence of negative emotions in regards to my perception of them which thankfully is not as often as positive emotions).


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

DailyGrind said:


> WOW!! That hits home. I like this line....it so accurately describes my situation. I might use this....unless you've got copyright protection.


Go for it. My happiness right now is no longer living with a bitter and resentful woman.

Bob


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Annie Mouse said:


> "I truly wish you all happiness with your big and brave step. Be assured you will find what you’re looking for. Life’s like that."
> 
> I do for you too Bob


Thank you very much Annie Mouse. Bless you. Life is a Journey with imagined destinations. Sometimes we don’t get there. And so enjoying our journey is where it’s at. I know you as a truly nice person.

Bob


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## Lostandconfused (Jul 6, 2009)

We are all affected by actions and reactions of things and people around us. The difference is in OUR reaction and actions. We can be negative. We can be positive. We can do nothing. We can act. Each individual has the responsibility for what they do, what they think, what they allow to make up their choices to direct their paths. 

We feel, we hurt, we rejoice, but how we act and what we do with those feelings are OUR own choice. We can feel joy induced by a stranger's rendition of a beautiful painting or song, but did "they" make us happy? No, their act made us feel happy. We are not our emotions, we are our actions and our reactions. An example. When our lives are threatened, some freeze, some run, and some fight. Did the one threatening our lives make us afraid? No, they made us feel afraid. We reacted with how we _are_. Freeze - you choose to do nothing. Run, you choose to separate yourself from the fear. Fight, you attempt to conquer. Are we any less afraid based on any choice of action? No, we just act/react differently because of our own choice. Anyway, that's my opinion on the matter. Doesn't make it right or wrong. 

Having said that, here's what I see as Changehappens' conundrum. He chooses to act/react in the way he's learned to act/react. He's unhappy with those actions/reactions and with the actions/reactions of his wife. The quickest way to alter the course of a consistent occurance is to insert a new action/reaction. So, if you want things to change, then YOU must change how you act/react. If you wait on the other person, change may/may not occur. Once you change, the other person will alter their course. It may be one you like, it may be one you don't like.

You mention that she held herself aloof and it damaged your relationship and yet, that's exactly what you are choosing to do. It's a very normal pattern, unfortunately it doesn't work well.

Best of luck to you.
Just my $0.02,
Lost


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## changehappens (Sep 14, 2010)

Lostandconfused said:


> Having said that, here's what I see as Changehappens' conundrum. He chooses to act/react in the way he's learned to act/react. He's unhappy with those actions/reactions and with the actions/reactions of his wife. The quickest way to alter the course of a consistent occurance is to insert a new action/reaction. So, if you want things to change, then YOU must change how you act/react. If you wait on the other person, change may/may not occur. Once you change, the other person will alter their course. It may be one you like, it may be one you don't like.
> 
> You mention that she held herself aloof and it damaged your relationship and yet, that's exactly what you are choosing to do. It's a very normal pattern, unfortunately it doesn't work well.


First off- thank you to everyone who has responded to my original post. Much food for thought there...

All in all, every one of you is right in your own way. 

Funny thing about relationships is that there is no standard -there is no normal - there is no formula. There is only that unique reality of understanding through communication that actually works for the two involved. 

My problem is somewhat described by the quote above; I know that in order to make things be different, I am the only one who can do that by altering my own behaviors. The result of changed behaviors is the 'reaction', whatever that may be, positive or negative. The history behind my situation is that my behaviors are based on innumerable trials and errors of dealing with conflict and disagreement, of 24 years of both good and struggling life together, and of brick walls erected on both sides that have become very well defined and seemingly immovable. We're both right and we're both equally wrong - all the time. It's almost funny how unavoidably inevitable and repetitious the patterns of our behavior have become as we continue down the road to our foggy future. It's almost like we are a moth caught in the magnetic allure of the flame, unable to change our course even though we know it could ultimately kill us if we don't change.

I now think that the change of perspective brought on by age and experience causes some of us to grow away from the life partner we earlier chose when our view of the world was colored differently. The simple fact of my situation now is that I have grown differently than my wife has, and the gulf that divides me and my wife appears un-navigable. It may not actually be that way, but it looks that way to me from my current perspective. Even knowing that I am the only one responsible for my happiness and success/failure in all endeavors (including relationships), I find it supremely difficult to muster that energy which must be corralled to make effective change in the relationship. I guess, in a way, I gave up a few years ago. I think the brick walls did me in (see my ‘letter’). 

So, about that perspective – I am now wrestling with how to either see it differently or to come to the understanding that some things end and how to do the ‘end’ thing. I’m at one of those divides in life – the watersheds on either side are completely different and both are to some degree, unknown. 

I’d love to read some astounding philosophical analysis on life, love, and living here that will assist in illuminating my way forward, but don’t for the sake of tomorrows sunrise believe that anyone but myself is responsible for holding the candle that turns darkness to light. But nevertheless, I completely appreciate all the wisdom and perspective offered by anyone here who as knowledge to share. 

And BTW, the blowjob/beer metaphor was just that and not even close to what I look for/need in a relationship. It was the cartoon with a grain of truth…..


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

> And BTW, the blowjob/beer metaphor was just that and not even close to what I look for/need in a relationship. It was the cartoon with a grain of truth…..


Then get to the full truth and offer that to her so that what happens is based upon truth instead of a grain of it 

You are very articulate, just be sure you are being honest in your articulation.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

I never said that those closest to us do not affect the way we feel. What I AM saying is that if your spouse is not happy (and I don't mean about some decision or thing that has happened in your relationship) then it is not your obligation to "make" them happy.

For example: Woman is a miserable person who is not happy... She gets married to man. She expects man to transform her into happy person. Sorry, it doesn't work.

Another example: Your best friend's parent dies. They are not happy. YOU do NOT have the ability to MAKE them happy... You can help to lift their spirits or mood, but ultimately, the friend will revert to being unhappy. Does this make you a failure as their friend? No! NO person is able to MAKE another person "happy". Happiness roots from the inside, and until that is taken care of, then you will make yourself miserable trying to "fix" the other person's happiness.

A spouse can only aspire to heighten and enhance what is already inside... Not create something from nothing. By the same token, that same spouse can beat down what is already there. You can make someone unhappy that they are with you. You can make them happy to have made the choice to share their life with you. 

There is a difference.


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## changehappens (Sep 14, 2010)

I’ve moved on some since my original post here. Lately, I’d say that things have gone significantly downhill. Last weekend was not good. Tonight, our conversation turned to a discussion started by my wife about how she has recently come to the realization that the real intent of my behavior of late is to punish her for the years of rejection I have told her I’ve felt from her. She says my negativity has succeeded in pushing her to a state of sadness she never thought she would feel – and that I’ve succeeded in punishing her. I’m fairly flabbergasted by her interpretation of my behavior but also feel that somewhere deep in my psyche there may be some truth to what she speaks, particularly with respect to the part about the rejection I’ve felt from her towards me.

She also revived an old discussion from a time about 4 years ago when we first had sex after a 30 month hiatus that had been brought on by the growing distance between us, her ‘rejection of me’, my apparent rejection of her (so she says), and my inability to be supportive, positive, and romantic in our relationship. She told me then, and reminded me again tonight that when she ‘submitted’ to having sex with me back then, it was one of the most difficult things she had ever done in her life. She relates the experience to that portrayed in the movie The Geisha where a woman is forced into prostitution in Japan – and in particular in a scene in the movie where the main character is forced to have sex with a man she despised. 

When she first told me of this Geisha thing 4 years ago, I was seriously taken aback and found that among the emotions I felt, there was disgust and anger that she could feel that way about an act supposedly about love with the man she married. When she told me about her feelings, she said there was no compassion from me towards her about how she felt after doing what she did. She says she had sex with me that day as an effort to move us back towards reestablishing a new connection in our relationship. I felt at the time that, finally, she was coming to see what was missing in our relationship and that she was actually making the change that would enable the relationship to heal. When she told me about her feeling like a Geisha, I could almost not believe that what I was hearing was truth from her heart.

Also tonight, we discussed how after my supposed success in punishing her for whatever she has done to me (rejection?), and that I somehow have manipulated things to this place where – according to her – I really want to be. This place as she describes, is one where I’m very negative about everything in our relationship, an one where I’m not actually making a definite move towards divorcing/separating, nor making any moves to make improvements. I acknowledged that in a weird way, there may be some truth to her analysis but also explained to her that the real fix to the relationship was such a simple matter, that it was hard to understand that the wall in our way was so insurmountable. I also told her that I really needed her to do something positive in the relationship and to quit waiting for me to do something that would catalyze positive change for us. 

I may be wrong about this, but I feel that she is working extraordinarily hard to spin things so it appears that she has absolutely no fault in the failure of our relationship. But on the other hand, I also question my own judgment re my understanding of how things are or got to be the way they are and believe that I may also be guilty of misconstruing facts or distorting truths. 

In the end, I’m feeling more ready now than ever to move on. Giving up on 24 years is not an easy thing though but I fear that trying to figure out how to make things right may just agonizingly prolong the inevitable. I’d like to know if anyone out there has any insight into how things got to be such a mess and what do I do about it now? I can’t accept that this is situation – as my wife suggests – is something that I want in my life.


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## AWife (Sep 25, 2010)

changehappens said:


> Funny thing about relationships is that there is no standard -there is no normal - there is no formula. There is only that unique reality of understanding through communication that actually works for the two involved.
> 
> My problem is somewhat described by the quote above; I know that in order to make things be different, I am the only one who can do that by altering my own behaviors. The result of changed behaviors is the 'reaction', whatever that may be, positive or negative. The history behind my situation is that my behaviors are based on innumerable trials and errors of dealing with conflict and disagreement, of 24 years of both good and struggling life together, and of brick walls erected on both sides that have become very well defined and seemingly immovable. We're both right and we're both equally wrong - all the time. It's almost funny how unavoidably inevitable and repetitious the patterns of our behavior have become as we continue down the road to our foggy future. It's almost like we are a moth caught in the magnetic allure of the flame, unable to change our course even though we know it could ultimately kill us if we don't change.
> 
> I now think that the change of perspective brought on by age and experience causes some of us to grow away from the life partner we earlier chose when our view of the world was colored differently. The simple fact of my situation now is that I have grown differently than my wife has, and the gulf that divides me and my wife appears un-navigable. It may not actually be that way, but it looks that way to me from my current perspective. Even knowing that I am the only one responsible for my happiness and success/failure in all endeavors (including relationships), I find it supremely difficult to muster that energy which must be corralled to make effective change in the relationship. I guess, in a way, I gave up a few years ago. I think the brick walls did me in


I think if I were in your situation and wanted my marriage to change, I would write a letter from this prospective. No fault. Both are wrong. Need to start fresh.

Also, I liked your beer and blow job statement. I have a friend in a very happy marriage who always says her husband is very simple. He wants food and sex. Granted it's really not that simple, but I think men look at things simpler than women do.


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

Changehappens,

Can I ask you how to avoid this? I feel in some ways about my husband the way you do about your wife. Or I do see is going in that direction if effort isn't made.

I actually bring him beer and give him BJ's. I try to ask when something bugging him. He admits communication doesn't come to him naturally. We are going to get marriage counseling when he gets back.

But I DON'T want him to ever feel this way. I don't want it to get to this point. What was the power she had that could of turned it around???


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