# I think I'm going to go crazy...



## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I'm sure some of you have read my posts so I'm not going to go into the EA more.

My wife received a job offer last week. I told her to weight the pros and cons and then I went over them with her. I also explained to her about how it's going to interfere with our relationship and expressed how worried I was about what could happen. There were very few pros, and the cons dealed a lot with our relationship. So since the pros greatly out weighted the cons I figured my wife was going to decline the job offer... Well I was wrong.

After we had gone over the pros and cons, my wife talked to her mom on the phone about the job offer. Her mom at the time had little to no idea about everything that was going on. Her mom told her that she thought she should accept the job because it would be a great opportunity (which it is a good opportunity), and that she should at least accept it and go see if its something she can do and to see if they will work with her because of her ulcerative colitis. Shortly after she got off the phone with her mom is when she decided that she was going to accept the job offer.

The problem with the job is not the job itself, it's a good job and its only a temp position for 3 months. The problem is that I work Mon-Fri from 06:30am to 04:00pm, and the hours she is going to work are Mon-Fri from 04:30pm till 12:30am. This leaves us no time together during the week, so how are we supposed to work on our relationship if we are going to rarely see eachother? Especially when this is the time that I need her around the most.

All that time alone is only going to make my depression and anxiety worse. I think I'm going to go crazy and I don't know what to do. I left it up to her to decide what she wanted to do, and I talked to her about it all and she still choose to accept the job. I don't know what i'm going to do...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

For us we met 3:30 AM she made breakfast while I got ready and goofed araound until 4:30 when I left for work. In the afternoon same thing I got home as ASAP 3:30 PM fooled around until 4:30 PM.
The odd thing was when she was gearing down and have some wine I was sleeping, so when I got up a 3:30 she was feeling frisky and ready to go. In the after noon I was getting my 1st beer beer and getting relaxed and she was geareing up.

So get up allitl early, she stay up a little later. You nget home a little early and help her get ready for work.

Basicly she help you get ready in the AM and you help her get ready in the PM.

Thank god it only lasted a few month cause it sucked, but thats all we had.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Unfortunately there's no leaving work early for me, so the time I leave work at the end of the day, she will be leaving for work.


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## mama wonder (Feb 10, 2011)

When a parent makes decisions in a marriage, it marks the beginning of the end..


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Well there's nothing wrong with asking your parent(s) for advice, so long as they know whats really going on so they can give you their opinion based off of knowledge.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So then you have the AM
Will she stay up a little long until you get up?


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

This response is devoid of any sympathy and focuses on the issue at hand, as do most of my posts. People need answers more than sympathy in my opinion. I just wanted to warn of that.

It would seem to me that this is a bad sign, and here is why. At a time where your wife should be expressing remorse and redefining her commitment to you, she is going to experience something else. Feelings of regret and guilt will be replaced by extra confidence and more options to find a way out.

Why is that a bad thing??

Well simple.. Guilt is a useful part of the human dynamic. Just as pain lets us know that something is wrong, and needs attention, Guilt lets us know that our moral compass is broken and needs repair. If she does not experience guilt in its fullest form, her opportunity to make amends and experience personal growth from the guilt will be severely effected. 

The new job will give her a renewed sense of independence. That is fine for a healthy couple, but she needs to be brought back into the "WE" of marriage and not the " me me me" of herself. Furthermore, she will use this independence and confidence to justify herself and fore-go the guilt that she needs to properly heal.

Renewed independence and confidence will embolden a person, and this is further complicated by the options it provides her. People should have options, but remember that your wife is an immoral person. let me say that again so it sticks.. Your Wife Is An Immoral person. Her moral compass is broken. It is far more likely that she will use these new tools of confidence, independence and options to escape her responsibility and flee the scene. Simply put, that is what a person with a broken compass does. 

Now, she can fix her moral compass, but that should take priority over her job. I would be concerned with the timing of this job. It in no way helps the most important issue in both of your lives. your marriage. 

No advice, but I hope that gives you some perspective.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

twotime,
Thanks for responding! Thats exactly how I feel about it all, I just couldn't articulate it quite like you.

Now I just need to think of what I should do about it. It's hard becasue I feel like I've been doing so much all by myself.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Anyone have some advice or suggestions?


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Hard position, but the truth is, if you force her NOT to take, or even if she choses that for your needs, you very well may end up with mad resentment later.... A 3 mos position may require 3 mos (that goes by REALLY fast BTW) of some very odd hour dates, which in turn may end up being fun since it will force creativity. Just a thought


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I'm not going to tell her she cannot work there. I haven't told her that she can't do anything, I express my thoughts and feelings on things that she does and let her decide what she wants to do.

3 months isn't very long and can go by fast, but the mental state that I am in, it's going to feel like a long time. A lot of alone time is going to get to me. As most LS's know in this situation your thoughts run wild, you start having anxiety/panic attacks, and depression can get out of control.

I guess I'm just going to focus on myself or something for 3 months. I just fear that things are going to go back to square one because we're rarely going to be able to see each other.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Again, I apologize in advanced for the monotone text... but this is basically facts..

The three months of not having time to discuss the issue at hand is not what is going to kill your relationship. The three months of her planning for a departure, avoiding her responsibility and mentally preparing for a divorce is what is going to nail you.

You are an innocent tourist checking out the sites in New York City, checking out the buildings, having fun... then WHAMO!!! gun in your face, "gimmie your wallet!" and now you are completely taken by surprise and mugged...

Your wife on the other hand, Is the mugger.. When she walks down the streets of NYC, she is watching where she steps, looking around corners, and is looking at everyone like they are a mugger themselves...

Unless you begin to think like a person capable of infidelity... where there mind is at.. how they thought they could get away with it.. Until then, you are gonna be that easy prey waiting to be mugged.

When i hear you say things like "3 months isn't very long and can go by fast" I sit here shaking my head and think, you are that tourist. 
While you think " i can wait 3 months" she is thinking " I only have 3 months to get ready" 

I am almost afraid to offer advice. LOL Because what needs to happen here requires her to be something that.. from your post... seems like she is not. 

This is just an opinion, so please brace yourself... I think that a person who isnt willing to put her marriage first, has no intention of working through it. In fact I believe that this is another selfish act that comes from the same place as the affair. She does not view this as an injury but an inconvienence. Remorseful people are overcome by emotion, yet she has taken an oppurtunity to withdraw. Lots going on here, and you arent even to the part where you guys agree to mend the fence. 

The first step in the actual healing process is to get a commitment to work on the marriage as a common goal. Unfortunately it appears you are a long way from step #1. I contend that if you demand her to stay and work on the marriage on YOUR schedule, which she owes you... it will result in the same outcome as if you did nothing for three months. Basically she wont do anything, she will withdraw and focus on work... not your marriage.

I am going to hope that you are not under the illusion that after 3 months of working, she will be content to just come home and stop working. Once she has been exposed to a more active social lifestyle, there is no way she will want to just leave that. This isnt just 3 months, it is the first three months. 

I think she should go to work, but not now. Work is healthy, it builds self esteem and it will improve your lifestyle togather. Key Word: TOGATHER. gotta be togather for it to mutually benefit you both. Work on "togather" first.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I agree with pretty much everything you said, I just don't know what to do about it. I feel like i'm stuck in a catch 22. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

She starts her new job today. I've just been avoiding her remarks about it. For instance she said she was nervous about it all and I said nothing back. Earlier today I sent her a text saying that I wasn't going to be able to come home for lunch because its really busy at work today, and she replied back with "Oh... Alright. I won't see you till tomorrow morning..." and all I said was Yea...

It's like it just clicked in her head that were really not going to see each other very often anymore. This is what has been on my mind the past 8 or 9 days and it really just seems like she just realized it.

To make matters worse, I have to go play soldier over the weekend and I more than likely won't be able to go home, so its going to be pretty much 2 weeks till we really get to have some "us" time. It's really hard to go to drill to because I get really worried about everything thats going on while i'm gone, because all I can think about is how our friend said that she f**ked our roommate 10 minutes after I left for drill one weekend.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Text messages between us...

Her: Did you not get my other message?

Me: About being nervous?

Her: Ya

Me: I did

Her: You have nothing to say?

Me: Not really because I'm nervous about what's going to happen to our relationship/marriage

about ten minutes pass and I hear nothing back from her...

Me: You have nothing to say?


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Her: I'm nervous about that too. But I know we've come a long way and we're not going to let this ruin us. I wish you would have said something more positive to me

Me: How can I say something positive about it when I feel that nothing but negative is going to come from it?


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

If war comes, and you are called up to duty, you are prepared to fight and die for your country? for me?

Simple question


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I've been deployed once and I'd do it again if need be.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Forsaken said:


> I've been deployed once and I'd do it again if need be.


Well then whatever it is you have to do next... You should be ready for. Remember that, and btw... Thank you.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Thats the thing, I don't know what I'm supposed to do...


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Well like I said I don't know what I'm supposed to do, so I just rocked some Call of Duty MW2 when I got home and zoned out. I don't know if it was the mood I was in or what, but I was in the zone!

Video games have always been there for me and always will. Plus video games won't have an EA or any kind of A for that matter. So I guess I'll just try to focus on me during all the me time i'm going to have...


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