# What is your separation structure? Arrangements, etc.



## invisible30 (Dec 26, 2011)

My wife and I are separating. She is leaving I am staying in the primary residence. She is bipolar and destroyed our marriage bond on this last episode and is in denial. Going forward, we live in a nice house- kids are 8 & 11. Saw an attorney today drawing up a separation agreement. How do others do this? Unless you are rich, how does a separated couple afford two places? Please explain your separation structure!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Not sure why people seperate and not just divorce. What are the benefits if only 10% reconcile?

Would it be better to just cut to the chase?


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

For me it is as follows:

Wife cheated multiple times and after a violent argument (violence on her part toward me), she was arrested and removed from our home via restraining order. Therefore she moved out and is staying with a friend. I have sole custody of our three children and she has visitation with a schedule she chose. I make a good deal of money so I don't ask for child support. Because of that, she does not ask for spousal support. I take title to our two houses as she is minimally self employed and cannot afford the mortgage payments and we are under water in both houses. I can easily afford our primary residence and the other is rented. She takes her personal property (clothes, make up, some furniture of her choice, whatever she wants). Stuff can be replaced. She leaves my military retirement alone and waives any "rights" to it. We separate for a year and she keeps the health insurance until divorce is final. Kids and I move on, I am sure she, due to low self esteem, is out looking for, or already found, her next "partner".


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Correction to my last, the person she is staying with is a man that she met at a bar and he took her home. She is just making this so easy...


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

invisible, in my case my stbxw (officially xw in a couple weeks) moved out and stayed at one of her friend's house, we started coparenting 50/50 right away and she found an apartment for herself after a few weeks. In the transition I paid for all the daycare costs so we both could work, my house is in my name but there is little equity in it and I can still afford the payments. She is not seeking spousal support from me, I will pay her a modest amount ea month for child support since she makes less than half as much as I. We just transitioned that I will pay 2/3 of all extra childcare costs such as daycare, instead of the full amount I had been paying and it works out to be the about the same amount however we will each get separate receipts so she will get some added tax benefit and I will lose a little. To settle all the assets I will be signing virtually all out retirement savings (which I am currently holding) over to her. How do separated couples afford two places? The same way a single person affords one.


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## invisible30 (Dec 26, 2011)

Interesting Lon. How are your kids handling it?!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I left with enough cash to tide me over til I got settled.
Took my own kids.
Left him with his house that has only his name on it. 
He gave me his education benefits that provide some tuition and housing allowance, the rest of my tuition comes from a scholarship I have on my own. My kids' dad gives me child support but it's not court-ordered, and provides health insurance for them. I have my own health insurance from my military service. I work from home, there are no child care costs except in summer. We split activities costs and share equipment and some outdoor or specialty clothing for the kids, my kids get scholarships for activities their dad might not want to pay for... I get a lot of volunteer perks, and work from home, I can flex my work according to my needs, more or less. I think a lot of women get some kind of knee-jerk to wanting to have a house and so forth...but I'm not like that. I like mobility, flexibility and freedom. If I ever get a house of my own it will be one of those small mobile ones or a yurt. I have a lot of friends who would host me on their property...darned traveller genes. I should have been born Mongolian. Sorry I can't be your ex. I'm already spoken for in that respect ;-)


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## nick15 (Jan 17, 2012)

I have done bipolar and I know exactly what you are going through. You meet them on a high and it feels fantastic and fresh. You then see the side of some that suffor this problem, a side that is absolutely dangerous. I used to not be able to sleep at night with my former ex-wife as i feared waking up to a knife to my neck. It was horrible, yet in the end I felt so badly for her as it was a demon she couldn't shake.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

At the point where you don't feel physically safe, nothing else matters...house, money, whatever...


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

invisible30 said:


> Interesting Lon. How are your kids handling it?!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We have only one child, he'll be 5 next month, he is adapting. For over a year prior to our separating my ew was out almost every evening (she had the morning routine, wake him get him dressed, breakfast and to daycare) I would have the evenings which was a lot more work. Also on weekends I did a lot more of the parenting. I'm not suggesting she was useless she did contribute some to the household but my son spent many more waking hours with me than her, though in his first two years she definitely had a larger role as being his primary caregiver. So when we went to 50/50 it was a big change, a lot more parenting work for her a lot less for me, but I really needed the reprieve (as much as I truly miss seeing my son everyday).

Now, days when he is with her can get lonely and days when I have him are even more work than before. So from his perspective there are things he likes from this (he gets full attention all the time from one parent or the other) but he also gets us until the end of our "shift" meaning he sees us at our worst and neither of us is there anymore to switch hit for each other. Whenever we transition in person and he has us both in the same room he always, sneakily, tries to pull us together. He has become a lot more generous with his "affection", gives hugs and kisses (which he always tried to avoid before) my ew seems to think its because he's happier but I know it is because there is a instinctual fear of abandonment, so I make sure to tell him how important he is to me especially at times when he is not trying to show affection.

It is strange that my son has two homes, and I really can't know how it is for him when he is with her. I usually call him every few days, he doesn't talk on the phone I just want him to hear my voice and I like to hear his noises. I sort of know the people in his other life but I don't get to share in those memories... as more time passes I feel like I've missed out on more and more of his life. OTOH, together with him we do all kinds of fun things and are making a lifetime of our own shared memories. So I think it will be okay for him, it will definitely shape the kind of person he is becoming, but I know he still has a good shot at a fulfilling life, I only hope he realizes that meeting one person to share it with when he is an adult is actually a good thing, and I hope he doesn't develop difficult attachment issues.


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

I moved out of our home and I've been renting a small house ($600 per month) for about 7 months now......We still have our joint checking acct that our "together" bills get paid from - mortgage, cell, insurance. We split our 1 child 50/50. She is 5. She's with her dad on Mon&Tue, with me Wed&Thur, then each gets her every other weekend. $$ is REALLY tight right now. We are waiting for our house to get refinanced to get a lower payment, then I will file a Quit Claims Deed when the divorce is final.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

NotSoSureYet, i just had to check your profile to see if you are not my ex! I don't think you are unless you are altering some details in your posts. My parenting schedule is exactly the same as yours. our separation started in middle of May, my W's finances are tight, she moved into a townhouse with another divorced mom of one, and it seems to be working out for them and my son at that place.


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

Lon said:


> NotSoSureYet, i just had to check your profile to see if you are not my ex! I don't think you are unless you are altering some details in your posts. My parenting schedule is exactly the same as yours.


Lon....I'm not your ex, my stbx wouldn't be on the website right now (or ever, even though I've tried to get him here). 
Good luck with your situation! It works pretty well for us. I was spending quite a bit of time at "our" home, but i've realized that I'm not feeling any better over the time we've been trying to R.


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## invisible30 (Dec 26, 2011)

have any of you dated others while in the separoesated phase? how did that work?


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## invisible30 (Dec 26, 2011)

did you introduce them to your kids, etc?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

invisible, I have also dated in my separation. It is a little complicated, for me I was never a good dater so I decided it was a skill I wanted to start learning right away. I was over my ex, and I think pretty much completely detached... still grieving the loss a little and dealing with emotional scars, but I decided to not wait around (my life has always been about waiting around for things and I need to change that).

In my case its tough, my gf was also separated but dealing with custody issues... neither of us wanted to bring our kids into it, however things went so well that I found myself getting really attached to her, even knowing that she isn't the one I want to settle with. With our parenting schedules it is very hard to make time for each other, and so I have all kinds of conflicting feelings - I want a relationship, I want to invest my heart into it and I want a mate to be part of me and my child's life, but I am not ready yet. Plus with all her free time I get insecure and jealous and so am trying to end it - another skill that I need to work on  I don't have any regrets about my love life after separating.

My ex and I have agreed to put a morality clause in our separation papers. Neither of us is allowed to have overnight guests, or have any PDA'a, handholding kissing etc around our child unless it is a serious relationship and with consent of the other parent. I don't know how easy this is to enforce or live by, but we'll see.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

You have to be careful with this. In some states you can be found guilty of adultery. This is something you should discuss with your ex and your lawyer to make sure your bases are covered, especially if your settlement is good.


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