# Late 30's woman a bit delusional about kids?



## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

So I've been seeing this nice woman for a couple of weeks. She seems that she has a good heart as she's taking care of her father that is battling prostate cancer. I am attracted to her and we certainly have chemistry. She also lost her mother a few years ago, so I can see family is important to her, and it shows. She has a younger sister with three kids and she wants two or three as well. She's 38 years old... Isn't that pushing things? I mean her younger sister is 34 and already has three kids. I want to suggest to her to at least freeze her eggs. I've been down this road already with my ex-wife. She was another one who thought that she could wait until whenever to have kids. I can one at 39/40, not saying with me, but with someone. Two or three, I am not too sure. She's only mentioned it a couple of times, but I do not know if her OBGYN or fam. doc has told her about the possibilities and risks. I am keeping mum for the moment as I want to see how everything pans out.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

My SIL had her first at 40 and second at 42.

But that is beside the point, if you do not want to have kids then even though this is only a few weeks in it might be worth having the convo so she can move on if that is what she wants.


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## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

I have no issues with children, it's the marriage contract. If I am/was unable to find a suitable woman, I was going the surrogate route myself in a few years anyway. If all works out, I have no problems. I just worry about the issues with down syndrome, autism, etc. Hence the reason why a woman who wants to have kids later in life should freeze their eggs as soon as possible. Not something one can bring up on a second or third date. In addition, she looking to relocate right now that her father has recovered, so it's not right now. I cannot tell the future, but yes, I do want kids. I just do not know if she's the one yet or if I will find another one or I will go it my own (men can do this nowadays too). Again, too early to tell.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

itsontherocks said:


> So I've been seeing this nice woman for a couple of weeks. She seems that she has a good heart as she's taking care of her father that is battling prostate cancer. I am attracted to her and we certainly have chemistry. She also lost her mother a few years ago, so I can see family is important to her, and it shows. She has a younger sister with three kids and she wants two or three as well. She's 38 years old... Isn't that pushing things? I mean her younger sister is 34 and already has three kids. I want to suggest to her to at least freeze her eggs. I've been down this road already with my ex-wife. She was another one who thought that she could wait until whenever to have kids. I can one at 39/40, not saying with me, but with someone. Two or three, I am not too sure. She's only mentioned it a couple of times, but I do not know if her OBGYN or fam. doc has told her about the possibilities and risks. I am keeping mum for the moment as I want to see how everything pans out.


Depending on her life circumstances, she may have been dealt an unfortunate hand in life and now finds she's older and wants kids more than previously.

I married my first H at 23. I wanted kids right away so badly but he said we were poor and had to wait. And so wait I did because I loved him. And waited, because we were never quite ready. When I was 28, we tried finally for 16 long months. Something was obviously wrong, but he'd refused to go to a fertility doc with me. So I became sad and depressed but hid it well. Everyone else had babies around me.

The bomb dropped on my life when he told me 3 months before my 30th birthday that he wanted to become a woman. Well, that was the end of us and our future. I moved back home and found work. I knew I had to heal, so I spent 2.5 years doing that. (I learned through the grapevine he likely had a genetic condition that rendered him sterile.) 

I thought about being a single mom, going to a sperm bank, but I just couldn't bring myself to unless I was at my last rope. The reason is because I wanted a baby with someone I was bonded to and loved. Not with a stranger I pick out of a database. I had so much love to give to the right person, once I found him. 

I remarried a year and a half ago and I'll be 37 at the end of the year. My life is the sum of the choices I've made plus all of the things I've endured that were beyond my control. Time is not kind to women in general, but the world doesn't owe me anything and I do not feel like a victim of anything accept an unpredictable series of unfortunate events. I'm not even listing them all and to do so would detract from my real point.

We all have a story. It's easy to question the things others want when you don't know the whole story. Her's could be vastly different than mine. I do know, though, that there are many women who are in similar circumstances to my own. The most difficult thing emotionally that I must process fairly regularly is when many people I know and who know me say that I would make an excellent mother. The future is still uncertain and all I can do is thank them graciously for saying so and maintain cautious optimism.

I realize you're just getting to know her, but be a little open minded. You wouldn't want her making assumptions or judgements about you that were unfounded. There's still a chance for her, unless a medical expert or her body says otherwise. It's not delusional for her to want kids at any time. It's natural and hard coded and the urgency increases the older we get.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

itsontherocks said:


> I have no issues with children, it's the marriage contract. If I am/was unable to find a suitable woman, I was going the surrogate route myself in a few years anyway. If all works out, I have no problems. I just worry about the issues with down syndrome, autism, etc. Hence the reason why a woman who wants to have kids later in life should freeze their eggs as soon as possible. Not something one can bring up on a second or third date. In addition, she looking to relocate right now that her father has recovered, so it's not right now. I cannot tell the future, but yes, I do want kids. I just do not know if she's the one yet or if I will find another one or I will go it my own (men can do this nowadays too). Again, too early to tell.


Yeah I know men can do their own thing, I'm not daft. Was simply asking (as your OP was very scant on detail) that if kids were a deal breaker for you then do exactly that, move on.

FWIW my sis has a child on the spectrum, born when she was young. 2 friends with DS kids also had them when younger. It is a lottery lol


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## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

Satya said:


> Depending on her life circumstances, she may have been dealt an unfortunate hand in life and now finds she's older and wants kids more than previously.
> 
> I married my first H at 23. I wanted kids right away so badly but he said we were poor and had to wait. And so wait I did because I loved him. And waited, because we were never quite ready. When I was 28, we tried finally for 16 long months. Something was obviously wrong, but he'd refused to go to a fertility doc with me. So I became sad and depressed but hid it well. Everyone else had babies around me.
> 
> ...


I get it, we all have issues in life. We all roll with the punches. I am not judging, I am just trying to figure out how this works out in her head. That is all. She's right now looking for a place, then has to be settled in. Whether it me or someone else, that takes time to get to know someone and see if they are a fit after the honeymoon phase is over. Me and my ex-wife's honeymoon phase ended about a two years into the marriage, four years into the relationship. I will not rush things, and I need to know I am not making the same mistake as in my previous marriage. Well, my only marriage, that will never happen again. One can argue the pressure of that marriage title put a lot of weight on us. I know all the ins and outs of IVF and surrogates. Guess who was the one in the marriage who researched this and scheduled the apts? Here's a hint, it wasn't my ex-wife. I wanted her to freeze her eggs at 35, no luck. Then she agreed at 37, but then refused at the last minute because of a test to see if her eggs we still viable. She threatened to kill herself if she found out that she couldn't have kids. I was stuck in a catch-22. I will not put myself in that position again. 

A kid, I do not see an issue, maybe even twins. But 3? That's pushing it. And yes, I am concerned about autism and down syndrome. I know the later you can test for. I know both risks increase with age. 

I hope all works out for you and you are able to achieve the goals that you want in life. I appreciate you sharing this information. It means a lot. Thank you.


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## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

MrsHolland said:


> Yeah I know men can do their own thing, I'm not daft. Was simply asking (as your OP was very scant on detail) that if kids were a deal breaker for you then do exactly that, move on.
> 
> FWIW my sis has a child on the spectrum, born when she was young. 2 friends with DS kids also had them when younger. It is a lottery lol


Wasn't meant to come off the wrong way. I know when some men open a topic like this, the women all jump to the conclusion that he doesn't want kids. I have no problems with kids. I have a problem with marriage. Two completely different things. Just scary to think of all the ifs ands or buts with another life.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

itsontherocks said:


> Wasn't meant to come off the wrong way. I know when some men open a topic like this, the women all jump to the conclusion that he doesn't want kids. I have no problems with kids. I have a problem with marriage. Two completely different things. Just scary to think of all the ifs ands or buts with another life.


Yep well it is all an unknown till it happens. I had mine in my 30's, no AD or DS and TBH they are all amazing young adults I can't imagine not ever having them. But then again my first was unplanned and at the time I had no intention of having kids. Life rules us at times, we don't rule life.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Let me tell you about J. J is of a smaller religious sect that requires the parents or nearest family elder to agree to any marriage or risk being ostracized. She was about 36 when I met her, she was dating a friend, and she talked endlessly about how she wanted to have a baby with him, but wanted to be married first. His parents wouldn't agree to sign the necessary papers for her religion, so everything was on hold. The parents finally relented and they were married when she was about 38. Then she went on and on about how she wanted to lose weight and be healthy before having a baby and not to worry, women in her family typically become mothers later in life, her own mom had her in her early 40's, yadda yadda yadda. Then Friend was put on medication for an autoimmune condition and J decided she didn't want to conceive while he was on the meds, which the doctor even said wasn't a problem. She's been talking for years about the future baby, but she's never gotten around to actually trying for one and now, at 45, she probably never will.

As with most things, don't necessarily believe a person by their words, but by their actions. Maybe having kids is one of those things she likes to think about, but doesn't deep down actually want to do. *shrug* Who knows.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

If you've only been dating a few weeks I'd say you're thinking way too far ahead. Spend the next few months having fun and getting to know her better. If she is insistent on bringing up children and won't let it drop, I would suggest you walk away. Baby-fever trumps everything else.


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## dawnabon (Mar 11, 2017)

I'd say most women in their mid/late 30s are more than cognizant of the issues associated with advanced maternal age. 

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

She's totally aware, she just might not want to do the egg freezing thing. I'm on the fence about it. Like sure even if there's a 1% chance, I should do it, but what if after all that it still doesn't work?

After 35 you get hit with "advanced maternal age" and then when you get pregnant "geriatric pregnancy." Bleh.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@Satya, thanks for that post, and I'm sorry for all that you've been through; that must have been rough. I honestly couldn't even imagine. You're right in that time is not kind to women, and many of us don't figure this out until it's too late, or like you (and me), marry someone who keeps putting it off, or who lies about it from the get-go. I also want kids, and am just about to go to a lawyer about divorcing my husband. I remain hopeful, but I'm not sure what the future will hold.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I know loads of women who have had healthy children in their 40's. Its her business anyway what she does with her eggs.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

My sister was 41 when her first and only was born. Easily conceived, no genetic problems. A healthy beautiful teenager now .


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I just want to offer as well, that lots of women who have never frozen eggs (or men that have never been with women who have frozen eggs) assume that freezing eggs is this easy process and somehow guarantees the end result will be a child to term. The reality is not as kind as the idea and the process is not a walk in the park.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Satya said:


> My life is the sum of the choices I've made plus all of the things I've endured *that were beyond my control.* Time is not kind to women in general, but the world doesn't owe me anything and I do not feel like a victim of anything accept an unpredictable series of unfortunate events.


Not quite true. Some events can be known in advance. Exact events? No, but close enough. 
Close enough to be on the lookout and to avoid them. And knowing that 'they' are coming lessens the shock and the pain.
.............................................................................................. 

@Satya


> It's natural and hard coded and the urgency increases the older we get.


Yes THIS. 

And many women who cannot have children [for whatever reason] get pets.... dogs, cats or both.


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