# Is Lack of sex / intimacy a reason for divorce



## Mika Lynn

I am so happy to find this site! I am new here, and look forward to reading some of the threads. I have been married for 15 years to a very nice man. I say 'nice' man because he is. He is a good father, a great supporter, a generous person. However, he is practically asexual! For 15 years I have felt like I am invisible. It is so hard. He loves me, but I am not in love with him. He would go months without sex, or even mentioning sex. I am a very high sex drive person. I have felt guilty for having this make me unhappy, but the fact is, it DOES make me unhappy! I am very unhappy. We have started counseling and the counselor basically told me that this sort of lack of intimacy is caused by 2 things: homosexuality or an affair. My hb and I have decided to separate, but yet, I don't know if I continue to go that route? Any suggestions? How do you remove the guilt!


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## ClipClop

I couldn't stay. But this is your life. An open relationship wouldn't work for me. Is rather be single and f anyone I wanted with abandon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Syrum

I would move on , because you are really not happy. You may find a happiness with someone else. You deserve that chance.


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## Mom6547

Mika Lynn said:


> I am so happy to find this site! I am new here, and look forward to reading some of the threads. I have been married for 15 years to a very nice man. I say 'nice' man because he is. He is a good father, a great supporter, a generous person. However, he is practically asexual! For 15 years I have felt like I am invisible. It is so hard. He loves me, but I am not in love with him. He would go months without sex, or even mentioning sex. I am a very high sex drive person. I have felt guilty for having this make me unhappy, but the fact is, it DOES make me unhappy! I am very unhappy. We have started counseling and the counselor basically told me that this sort of lack of intimacy is caused by 2 things: homosexuality or an affair.


What was your husband's reply to that?!? 

Get a different counselor. This one is a charlatan.


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## ClipClop

There really are asexual people. There are allegedly autosexual people as well. There are performance issues. There are strange belief systems like Madonna/*****, cleanliness ocd peeps.... 

Does your h watch porn? Does he masturbate? Into anything sick or odd like children or fuzzy animals? Tons of alt explanations.

Still doesn't fix your probs but thought you should know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bastien

Dear Mika, 

I have never met a woman who could keep up with my sexual drive. It has caused some tensions in my marriage too but I don't know how you can go without sex for months!... I go crazy after 3 days!

For my part, what has caused the most pressure in my marriage on the sexual side is my need to explore, discover, change, vary. I have always been faithful, never even kissed a woman on the mouth if I was not with her. That has been the case all my life. 

But I stopped asking for "things" when I realized the stress I put on her from the realization she did not, could not satisfy me... instead pretended all was ok. 

Bastien


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## Mika Lynn

ClipClop said:


> I couldn't stay. But this is your life. An open relationship wouldn't work for me. Is rather be single and f anyone I wanted with abandon.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can't have an open relationship. I want it all! I want, the fairy tale, ya know. The man who loves me for ME. I love sex, but this isn't about just sex, this is about intimacy and connection.


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## Mika Lynn

Syrum said:


> I would move on , because you are really not happy. You may find a happiness with someone else. You deserve that chance.


Thank you, Syrum, I agree. I really do think that I deserve happiness and HE deserves it too. Whether with another woman or another man.


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## Mika Lynn

Mom6547 said:


> What was your husband's reply to that?!?
> 
> Get a different counselor. This one is a charlatan.


I actually like my counselor. I am not an 'uneducated' or 'unadvised woman.' I am a sex educator for God sakes! I know the reasons for lack of intimacy. My little opening statement is not fully divulging. This lack of sex is not new, it has always been this way. I tend to believe that my counselor is pretty dead on with the homosexuality issue, because my HB does not look at me like A MAN should. I am a very, very sexual woman. I love sex - period. I have been with other men (unfortunately very bad relationships, one was VERY abusive, he nearly killed me). I was looking for the 'nice' guy. I got him. I just got the asexual one.

Any suggestions you may have would be very helpful!


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## Mika Lynn

ClipClop said:


> There really are asexual people. There are allegedly autosexual people as well. There are performance issues. There are strange belief systems like Madonna/*****, cleanliness ocd peeps....
> 
> Does your h watch porn? Does he masturbate? Into anything sick or odd like children or fuzzy animals? Tons of alt explanations.
> 
> Still doesn't fix your probs but thought you should know.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Honestly, I have tried to gammut. I love porn; he hates it. Makes him uncomforable. I have tried toys, read books, written articles, etc. He is just not...interested. He claims to not have much interest in masturbation. As far as I know he isn't into kids or animals. 

Regardless of the reason, he is not giving me what I need or want, so am I justified in feeling...bad?


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## Mom6547

Mika Lynn said:


> Honestly, I have tried to gammut. I love porn; he hates it. Makes him uncomforable. I have tried toys, read books, written articles, etc. He is just not...interested. He claims to not have much interest in masturbation. As far as I know he isn't into kids or animals.
> 
> Regardless of the reason, he is not giving me what I need or want, so am I justified in feeling...bad?


Yes. But what does that get you?


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## Mika Lynn

Bastien said:


> Dear Mika,
> 
> I have never met a woman who could keep up with my sexual drive. It has caused some tensions in my marriage too but I don't know how you can go without sex for months!... I go crazy after 3 days!
> 
> For my part, what has caused the most pressure in my marriage on the sexual side is my need to explore, discover, change, vary. I have always been faithful, never even kissed a woman on the mouth if I was not with her. That has been the case all my life.
> 
> But I stopped asking for "things" when I realized the stress I put on her from the realization she did not, could not satisfy me... instead pretended all was ok.
> 
> Bastien


I know what you mean about the sex drive. I have heard mine is very high, and it is getting higher. I don't find it unnatural or like I am 'addicted' to sex, but still. I am bi-sexual, and over the last year I have explored options with some of my female friends, just because my need to be physically TOUCHED is so high. My HB is very robotic in bed, he doesn't touch me like he wants to, instead it does it like he thinks he HAS to. I know he realizes that he can not satisfy me, and I know he wants to try, but the more he 'tries' the worse it gets.

So, you and your wife, are you planning on divorcing, or are you seeking counseling too? I think counseling is a good option, but the truth is, my heart is not quite in this marriage. I want my HB in my life, as a friend, but at this point I have been a roomate so long, I don't know if I can go back to being a wife.


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## PBear

Lack of intimacy was one of the reasons for my separation. The fact that she wasn't willing to take an interest in addressing this problem and others was a bigger issue. So yes, I think it can be a reason for a divorce.

I ended up cheating on my wife, thinking that if I addressed this need I could handle the rest of the marriage issues till the kids were old enough. Bad idea, and even though I was never "caught", I ended up leaving the marriage less than 6 months later.

Sexual compability will be a major selling point in the next relationship. After doing without for 17 years, I'd be willing to put up with a lot more fights over other stuff if the sex was awesome, I think... My current GF has been a good match so far... 

C


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## Halien

At least in my state, lack of sex is one of the most common issues listed. That doesn't take away the guilt, though. Maybe look at it this way: What did you and your husband intend when you exchanged marriage vows? What was your understanding of the covenant between you two? Did he say, "No, I don't want to meet your sexual needs?"

Not trying to be superficial or sarcastic, but just pointing out that he is more or less trying to enforce a new norm into the relationship. One that you would've never agreed to. And its a very basic need. You're not casting him aside by splitting. 

Some will say that marriage is for better or for worse, but this is based upon the assumtion that the unmet needs are unintentional, in my opinion. There is a basic assumption that if you both can try, you should both try to meed each other's needs.


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## Mika Lynn

Halien said:


> At least in my state, lack of sex is one of the most common issues listed. That doesn't take away the guilt, though. Maybe look at it this way: What did you and your husband intend when you exchanged marriage vows? What was your understanding of the covenant between you two? Did he say, "No, I don't want to meet your sexual needs?"
> 
> Not trying to be superficial or sarcastic, but just pointing out that he is more or less trying to enforce a new norm into the relationship. One that you would've never agreed to. And its a very basic need. You're not casting him aside by splitting.
> 
> Some will say that marriage is for better or for worse, but this is based upon the assumtion that the unmet needs are unintentional, in my opinion. There is a basic assumption that if you both can try, you should both try to meed each other's needs.


Honestly Halien, I kind of think he tricked me. When we were dating I wanted sex 2 times a day, minimum, not including oral. He would tell me no all the time. Before the wedding we had a sit down, I told him what I needed. He was all 'oh, I'm just nervous about the wedding' etc, but it never got better. I would be better if we had some really good sex along the way and this was just a down turn. I could deal with that. It isn't, there has been no UPturn. 

He told me that he knows he can't be what I want, and he wants to be friends. Well, that is fine, but I want a husband, I have enough friends....


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## Halien

Mika Lynn said:


> Honestly Halien, I kind of think he tricked me. When we were dating I wanted sex 2 times a day, minimum, not including oral. He would tell me no all the time. Before the wedding we had a sit down, I told him what I needed. He was all 'oh, I'm just nervous about the wedding' etc, but it never got better. I would be better if we had some really good sex along the way and this was just a down turn. I could deal with that. It isn't, there has been no UPturn.
> 
> He told me that he knows he can't be what I want, and he wants to be friends. Well, that is fine, but I want a husband, I have enough friends....


Splitting won't be easy for him, if you choose this, but he's offering nothing in an area that is foundational to most people. Hard to reconcile that with the guilt over his good qualities, but the need isn't going to go away.


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## Ihearya

Mika,

I know what you feel. When my ex-wife was 7 her older brother (along with two of his friends) forced her to attempt intercourse with him. When that didn't go too well, they forced her to give him oral sex. I was the first person she ever told and that was a couple of decades later and she told me while sobbing and crying heavily and told me how dirty she felt. This was a few months before we got married so I tried to be patient and we got married, both as virgins. The sexual part of the marriage was terrible for 14 years. She had no sexual desire and also had extremely low testosterone (google what that does to a woman). I tried books but she wouldn't look at them with me because there were pictures of a naked couple in them. I tried Christian books without pictures but nothing changed. We went to counselors, pastors, etc. And I begged and pleaded for more than missionary sex once in a while, with the lights off, if there was some spare time at night. She wouldn't shower with me, and there was no oral either way, nothing. I tried to explain how I felt to her but it was like trying to explain a rainbow to a person who has been blind since birth. She said she didn't believe the counselor we saw because he wasn't a Christian. Then she said she didn't believe what our Pastor said because he wasn't an expert. So when I saw a Christian marriage/sex counselor who said she needs to come in and address issues, she didn't believe her because she said I didn't see her long enough. Instead she filed for divorce on Christmas eve. Very fitting because it was the best thing she ever gave me. I am now happily married to a woman who has a sex drive and is passionate, loving, and we can mutually please each other. Everything that I hoped, begged, and prayed for happens naturally now. I realize now how dysfunctional my first marriage was and that I was not a pervert or sex addict as my ex-wife claimed. My current wife jokes with me now and says if I am a sex addict, she loves it! Also, when we hear about studies how people with satisfying sex lives live longer, healthier lives, she jokes that she saved my life. 

So anyway, there comes a point (at least in my experience) where one must realize nothing can be done and there is no hope and at that point you have to decide. At least when one party refuses to acknowledge any part in the problem, as my ex-wife refused. With her attitude it had to end. If she was willing to work on it, maybe things would be different.

All the best....you are not alone in this journey.


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## Kastle74

I have the exact same problem, although it has only been 8 years of marriage for me. I feel invisible or just a burden. I actualy went through massive health repercussions due to lack of intimacy in my relationship. I feel like I married my brother instead of a grown man. His sense of humor is very childish, and I dont truly find him amusing but I overlook this part. He is typicaly very emotionless and dry. No passion. There's no foreplay,mindplay or kissing. He even seems irritated by my laughter. I am not an unattractive woman, I am a retired model. I know men find me appealing, but he seems asexual. Yet he admits he has a porn addiction, I just dont know how he releases the urges porn would incite. I love him, he is a great father and provider but as for being a lover of any kind, he is not. Please accept my sympathy to your plight as I am also going through this. Any advice is welcome.


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## 45188

To your earlier post Jaq, I do partially believe happiness comes from within. But only partially. I mean if people are going to constantly, constantly belittle you, everywhere around you, it's going to make you pretty depressed. I also still believe its a mans duty to provide emotional fulfillment as much as it is the womans duty to provide sex. 

I dont know how it is with you guys, but when im done with mine, he rolls over, hops up and goes and plays a videogame. Rarely cuddles. Gets to me


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

> Is Lack of sex / intimacy a reason for divorce?


It IS if you think it is!

Your marriage, your life, your decision.

Life is short...VERY short!


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## inthatboat

Are those two reasons the only reasons for asexuality? My husband has been this way for our whole marriage. I do not suspect he's homosexual nor do I think he's having an affair. I understand your situation perfectly as it sounds exactly like my situation. I didn't want to leave because in the eyes of our children the marriage is great and they live in a stable household. I'm interesting in knowing what else your counselor has said.


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## Slartibartfast

You're probably going to need a time machine. The poster joined in 2011 and made a total of 9 posts, 7 of the in this thread, and the last post by anyone was in 1012. They are unlike to be monitoring five or six year later.


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## Chaparral

Kastle74 said:


> I have the exact same problem, although it has only been 8 years of marriage for me. I feel invisible or just a burden. I actualy went through massive health repercussions due to lack of intimacy in my relationship. I feel like I married my brother instead of a grown man. His sense of humor is very childish, and I dont truly find him amusing but I overlook this part. He is typicaly very emotionless and dry. No passion. There's no foreplay,mindplay or kissing. He even seems irritated by my laughter. I am not an unattractive woman, I am a retired model. I know men find me appealing, but he seems asexual. Yet he admits he has a porn addiction, I just dont know how he releases the urges porn would incite. I love him, he is a great father and provider but as for being a lover of any kind, he is not. Please accept my sympathy to your plight as I am also going through this. Any advice is welcome.


It’s the porn. Make him give it up or divorce.


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## Chaparral

Have these guys had their testosterone checked and/or are they on any medications?


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## WilliamM

I wonder what came of her.


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## Mr. Nail

I refuse to feel guilty for wanting sex. There is no more universal human experience than the desire to have sex. Sure there are a certain percentage of people who don't. I even know one. But there is nothing shameful about desiring sex. But is that the point? the guilt you are feeling is for breaking a promise. You promised to stay married to him. But he also promised to stay married to you. but BUT he is not participating in the marriage. He is not meeting an important emotional need. 

There is a very big difference between wanting to avoid a divorce, and wanting to participate in the marriage.


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## MattMatt

Zombie thread. The zombie sheep will allow no more posts, here.


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