# Mother- In- Law Does Not Give Advance Notice of Events



## cbritton (Oct 29, 2017)

My husband and I have been married for 22 years..we have a 21 year old college student and 16 year old high schooler. His parents divorced when he was 4 years old and both are remarried ( his dad has remarried twice). My issue is that over the years, my mother in law would plan activities with the kids or family functions and tell my husband who would forget to tell me. I would be awakened at 7am on a Sunday morning with my MIL at the door saying she had arrived to get the kids. 

I would have to jump out of bed, drag the half asleep and cranky kids from bed, get them dressed, find something to feed them for breakfast that would take 2 only minutes to prepare and comb my daughter's hair (her hair is very long and curly so this was not a 5 minute task but could take up to 30 minutes to brush out tangles) So I would end up looking unorganized and my MIL would be irritated.

This was a regular occurance so I very gently explained to her about 10 years ago that she was welcome to get the kids anytime but to please let me know because my husband would forget to tell me and since I was the one responsible for most of the childcare, advance notice would make things run a lot more smoothly. This was ignored by my MIL but for a while , my husband did make an effort to call or text me right away when his mother invited us somewhere and her would also ask her to call me as well which she twice within the last 10 years. We have never been close but have not had any real issues over the years other than the typical off hand comments about my housekeeping skills or my weight. 

I chose to ignore these things so we have gotten along. She is a good grandma and has been supportive of our family over the years so I am really kind of torn over my feelings about this issue. However, she still does this now..she will plan a family dinner or event and tell my husband who would forget to tell me and I am stuck looking crazy because no one told me I was bringing salad or I have to change my plans . 


I don't have plans often but when I do its usually something big like attending a broadway show or something important like volunteering with my women's group. So I end up looking like a flake to my friends or losing money on tickets. A few years ago I was talking with my husband's step sister and she mentioned that my MIL had called her about an upcoming family event and to be honest this is what is really bothering me. She takes the time call my SIL but not me which I was willing to overlook because after all my SIL is her step-daughter so in essence like a daughter but then I found out that she calls my husband's step-brother's wife about events in advance. 

I am the only wife left out of the loop. I would be fine to be notified by my husband but he forgets and my MIL knows this. This a touchy subject for my husband because he feels there is nothing wrong with her not calling me now especially since the kids are older and I am "not directly affected" by any family plans. So am I wrong to be irritated by this?


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

I had a very similar situation. My MIL would plan family get togethers and tell my husband who would not tell me. My MIL who likes to plan Thanksgiving in August did not have an RSVP by the end of September and had gotten herself in a complete snit about my incompetence would bad mouth me to the entire family. Invariably she would call me up and ask if we were coming and I would be like, "Huh?" or we would be at a family function and everyone would be asking if I was attending something and I would be deer in the headlights.

In my case, the underlying problem was that my husband did not want to go to the events. He would never see his family again if he could get away with it. He would put off telling me because he did not want to go. Also, there was tension between me and my MIL and my husband did not want to deal with it, so he would just avoid the entire thing. It always was a mess and everyone always thought I was a flake or that I hated them all. (I grew to....)

Anyway, maybe your husband has a similar problem?

It is a game you can not win because people are either not being upfront with you or they are working to make you fail.

Watch Everyone Loves Raymond. No kidding.


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## cbritton (Oct 29, 2017)

My husband has a great relationship with his mother and extended family. Let me explain a bit about why he forgets...he is a a full time marketing director and co-owner of a business. Seven years ago, he and I opened a second business together and he is also the owner and CEO of a non-profit that mentors at risk youth. As a result he is working a lot and relies very heavily upon me to keep him abreast of any ( especially any family/social) functions or events. His mother will call him a week or two in advance right in the middle of his day and sometimes, he will call me or text me right away to let know but if something takes his attention, he will forget and not remember until his mother calls him the day before to ask him to bring something. He has also started asking his mom to call me directly so I can put it on his calendar. She will tell that she will call but then doesn't. So he thinks it's handled. I must admit, I have gotten angry with him a few times about his forgetting but the man is working his butt off and as I mentioned before, I am the one who usually keeps our personal lives organized. So it's not really his fault and maybe it 's not her either..maybe I should be more flexible.


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## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

My suggestion would be to call your mother-in-law and tell her to call you directly for invitations to events. Tell her that calling her son will not suffice as he forgets half the time to inform you. Say something like, "it really bothers me when we are not available or ready for events, and as we enjoy these outings and get-togethers with you and family, we want to be sure we can come. Please contact me directly in the future." Then tell your husband that he will need to back you up and when his mom calls him, he needs to tell her to call you as he cannot be sure he'll remember to pass along the info. 

Then, if she shows up and you aren't aware there was something scheduled, tell her that as you didn't hear from her, you aren't able to come. (Make sure hubby will back you up here!) If you have an event for yourself scheduled, well that takes priority over her stuff. You may have to be firm with her in order to see some change. If you can stick to your guns, I anticipate things will change. If she can't see your kids due to her inability to pick up a phone to call you, a courtesy she gives other women in the family, then too bad so sad. 

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Get your husband to back you up and then enforce your boundaries. Think of her as one of your kids. She needs to see the consequences of not following the rules. 

Good luck!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

RideofmyLife said:


> My suggestion would be to call your mother-in-law and tell her to call you directly for invitations to events. Tell her that calling her son will not suffice as he forgets half the time to inform you. Say something like, "it really bothers me when we are not available or ready for events, and as we enjoy these outings and get-togethers with you and family, we want to be sure we can come. Please contact me directly in the future." Then tell your husband that he will need to back you up and when his mom calls him, he needs to tell her to call you as he cannot be sure he'll remember to pass along the info.
> 
> Then, if she shows up and you aren't aware there was something scheduled, tell her that as you didn't hear from her, you aren't able to come. (Make sure hubby will back you up here!) If you have an event for yourself scheduled, well that takes priority over her stuff. You may have to be firm with her in order to see some change. If you can stick to your guns, I anticipate things will change. If she can't see your kids due to her inability to pick up a phone to call you, a courtesy she gives other women in the family, then too bad so sad.
> 
> ...


^^This.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Who rocks up at 7am on a Sunday? Where are they going at that time of day? 

This is on both your husband and MIL. Stop letting them treat you this way. Next time she rocks up without your having first been told (let alone the fact you were not consulted) then stay in bed and let your husband get the kids fed and sorted. 

Do you discuss your up and coming plans with your husband? Concerts, volunteering etc? If so then I would not cancel other plans such as concerts etc if you were not consulted about your MILs plans. If your husband is not keeping you in the loop then stop bowing to him. 

You are being manipulated by both your husband and MIL, it is up to you to stop allowing them to do this to you.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I agree with @RideofmyLife. If you don't set any boundaries, nothing is going to change. She sees this as your fault, because you run to do her bidding when she shows up. You cancel your plans to accommodate her. That is enabling her to continue with this behavior. There is no consequence for her to continue to treat you like this. She says "jump" and you say "how high?"

You don't need to get angry with her or punish her. That's not what is necessary. You calmly set a boundary.

If you have something planned, do not cancel it. Say something like, "I already have plans that day, so I can't make it to your event." If you don't come and the salad doesn't arrive, that's too bad for her. She should have planned better. It's not your fault or your problem unless you make it yours.


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