# I am a wife with no sex drive and a frustrated husband



## inamoratoskiss (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm posting because after a lot of browsing and searching, I haven't found something quite like my situation, so I hope to get some input from you guys. I don't know how to briefly set this up, but I'm going to try.

We have sex roughly once a month, have probably never gone more than 2 months without, and occasionally manage 2-3 times a month. We both almost always reach orgasm, and I personally find sex consistently satisfying.

My libido is quite low but has never been NOT low, not even in past relationships or on my own.

My husband is unhappy with the infrequent sex, specifically the fact that he has to practically beg for it and wait and wait until I want it enough to say yes. I never initiate, and that bothers him. I want to pick up the sex and want to want it more—I don't want to have to set a reminder to initiate sex just because there's some merit to that strategy. Personally, I'm satisfied with our frequency of sex, but I'm not happy that he's unsatisfied, unhappy, and feeling unwanted. (This is a new concept to me because until very recently I felt his sexual demands were unreasonable and selfish... probably concepts from how I was raised to think and previous, unhappy relationships.)

We're both overweight, and possibly due to his weight and fitness level, we can only ever have sex with him on top. This makes me feel a little bitter and jealous that he always gets to "lay back and take it," which I want to be able to do sometimes. When he tries to be on top, it usually fails (his position keeps slipping and he starts to lay on me rather than just being over me) so we have to switch back to the usual position, so now I think he's insecure about branching out.

I noticed that often suggestions are made to "frustrated chumps" to make sure they do some non-sex-expecting touching and flirting to keep sexual tension up, and my husband does not do this. I do it to him because I think it's fun, but for whatever reason, he does not do this to me and never really has. He gets involved in his solo hobbies during our free time together, so we don't connect much, especially not physically.

It's difficult for me to ask him to do more romantic things and take an interest in me even when sex isn't on his mind because somehow I always botch it and he thinks I'm trying to fight or says I'm "yelling" at him, and it never goes anywhere. I think he may be sensitive and even when I try to broach this gently, it goes the wrong way. He thinks something is wrong with my libido and that I am trying to blame him for that.

If all I needed to do to increase my libido was to "train" it by setting reminders and getting my lazy butt up and initiating sex, I might be able to do it. Granted, I can't get myself to go exercise, so I'm not positive. But I DO feel insecure and unattractive and want my husband to pay physical attention to me without sex being right around the corner. If I start doing sex like a chore just to "train" my libido, won't he continue with his same patterns, and won't I start to resent him?

Honestly, I can be very sensitive, defensive, and illogical at times, so I want to see what people think. How can I broach this topic with him without "picking a fight," and how much should I be changing the take:give ratio?

Lastly, we're both aware of the need to become more healthy and fit, and I'm sure it would make a marked difference in our sex life. The thing is, because of my depression issues, I think it could take a couple of years before I'm a healthy and fit person, and that's if I work hard at it all the time and experience no setbacks. For that reason, I want to address my sex life now and not put it off until the weight/health issues are being managed.

Well, hopefully, this post isn't a tl;dr and is coherent and detailed enough for people to get what I'm saying... I'm just looking for some outside (and safely anonymous) perspective and maybe some guidance. Thanks!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you had your hormone levels checked by a doctor? Are you on hormonal BC?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## inamoratoskiss (Dec 3, 2011)

Good point. I am on a hormonal birth control and have been on hormonal birth control since I was around 15. I haven't had them checked. Have talked to doctors about my libido but that was never suggested. Perhaps if my health insurance is covered, I can do that.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

This may sound cruel, but sounds like both of u should loose some weight, maybe try by cutting some carbs (grains mostly, but sugars as well)
Being in shape helps u feel sexy, nothing raises ur libido more than feeling sexy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

You know, I think people are always surprised when they finally start to understand that desire for sex can be affected by many different things. Somehow, we are conditioned to just expect that our desire will always be plentiful and that sex will always be easy. But, like anything, it takes some commitment and dedication and practice. 

As women, one of the biggest differences between us and men is that our hormonal profiles are totally different. Men have anywhere from 6 - 20 times more testosterone (the 'lust' hormone) that drives and literally compels them to desire sex. As women, we don't have the luxury of having that much of the hormone to help us out, so there usually needs to be other factors that will compel us. What do you think would compel you? Would it be to have a more emotionally attached relationship with your husband? Because, actually, engaging in sex more often with your husband could make that happen.

Here's a list of things for you to consider that could be impacting your desire. There are any number of physical things, emotional things, and relational things that can impact it.

Low sex drive in women: Causes - MayoClinic.com

Considering a switch to a non-hormonal birth control method might be a good start. So would embarking on a health 'kick' - doesn't have to be huge. Just start out slow and small - maybe even grab your H and take a walk together, holding hands every night.

Next, just set a time when you will try and initiate with your husband. Maybe it's every Saturday night. Try different positions - one of the best if you have some extra weight is to try 'spooning'. You can lay on your sides so no weight is on either of you. He can enter from behind and you can be positioned at an angle for best penetration. You can also experiment with him on top sex if you add additional pillows or support under your hips to provide a higher angle of entry.

I think you are wonderful for caring enough to try and seek solutions. 

Best wishes.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Until you step up and get the sexual frequency to something resembling a reasonable level, you are positioning yourself as his enemy and creating resentment within your husband. It is unreasonable to expect that he is going to initiate loads of non-sexual touching with you while he's starved for sex. If you were starving for food, would you be content to fondle cake or smell ice cream? I'm not sure why your libido is low but despite your low libido, you did enter into a marriage, an institution which requires sexual intercourse. People who are afraid of horses aren't ideal candidates for jockeys and maybe shouldn't sign up to be one. 
The good news is our feelings can change. We must justify each of our actions to ourselves. That means that every time you deny your husband, you reenforce the idea that you don't like sex. Every time you "make" yourself act sexual, you reenforce the idea that sex is a healthy, natural part of your marriage.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Every time you "make" yourself act sexual, you reenforce the idea that sex is a healthy, natural part of your marriage.


Or, every time you "make" yourself act sexual, you reinforce the idea that it's something you have to force yourself to do and build more resentment that you "have" to do it.
YMMV


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## inamoratoskiss (Dec 3, 2011)

Thanks to Enchantment and unbelievable for the advice, and Sawney for the additional input. 

As I suspected, it seems my perceptions of sex and relationships is off somehow. I'm guessing because of my background and past relationships. 

I do want a more emotionally close and attentive relationship. So if my husband starts to feel his sexual needs are being satisfied and that our sex life is healthy, I'm willing to bet he'll be more receptive to what I want or at least my suggestions. 

I'll definitely take the advice into account and work toward being more open to sex, initiating more. But I certainly won't make it out to be a chore, because that won't be helpful for anyone. Still gonna look into getting my hormone levels checked.

Thanks again for the honest advice!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sawney Beane said:


> Or, every time you "make" yourself act sexual, you reinforce the idea that it's something you have to force yourself to do and build more resentment that you "have" to do it.
> YMMV


I suppose it all depends on where one wishes to focus responsibility. Nobody "makes" her be a wife. That is a choice she willingly made as an adult. A new mother has to feed her baby. That doesn't mean the baby "makes" her and it would be wrong of her to resent or blame the baby who never asked to be born. The baby didn't ask her to become a mother. That was the choice of the mother. The OP's husband didn't ask for a sex drive and he never agreed to enter into a sexless union. She's hardly a victim when she's expected to perform the bare minimum service expected of every spouse. This wasn't a surprise sprang upon her after her nuptials. 
There is no legal requirement for all adult females to be married. If she wants to live a sexless existence, she is more than authorized to get a divorce and live a happy, celibate life. That's not what she's signed up for.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> I suppose it all depends on where one wishes to focus responsibility. Nobody "makes" her be a wife. That is a choice she willingly made as an adult. A new mother has to feed her baby. That doesn't mean the baby "makes" her and it would be wrong of her to resent or blame the baby who never asked to be born. The baby didn't ask her to become a mother. That was the choice of the mother. The OP's husband didn't ask for a sex drive and he never agreed to enter into a sexless union. She's hardly a victim when she's expected to perform the bare minimum service expected of every spouse. This wasn't a surprise sprang upon her after her nuptials.
> There is no legal requirement for all adult females to be married. If she wants to live a sexless existence, she is more than authorized to get a divorce and live a happy, celibate life. That's not what she's signed up for.


Unbeliveable, your views on the responsibility of partners in marriage to have sex whether they feel like it or not are a matter of record here. I am not questioning your position on this.

I am merely pointing out that whilst making themselves do something encourages some people to do it more, for others it acts as negative reinforcement. It depends who you are. It works very well for some people but for others it has a very negative effect. Caveat emptor.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> If you were starving for food, would you be content to fondle cake or smell ice cream.


Personally, I would rather smell the cake and fondle the ice cream.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

inamoratoskiss said:


> Thanks to Enchantment and unbelievable for the advice, and Sawney for the additional input.
> 
> As I suspected, it seems my perceptions of sex and relationships is off somehow. I'm guessing because of my background and past relationships.
> 
> ...


Good luck, and remember, a _good_ plan executed with energy and enthusiasm_* now *_beats a _perfect_ plan put into place sometime eventually...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Sawney Beane said:


> Unbeliveable, your views on the responsibility of partners in marriage to have sex whether they feel like it or not are a matter of record here. I am not questioning your position on this.
> 
> I am merely pointing out that whilst making themselves do something encourages some people to do it more, for others it acts as negative reinforcement. It depends who you are. It works very well for some people but for others it has a very negative effect. Caveat emptor.


And we would all be more blessed to be with the spouses who didn't resent it, that is for sure, cause then some of us (me being one) would want to leave such a marriage, it goes both ways there too. Glad I didn't have to experience such and I feel bad for everyone who does. 

Sex is too important, it is so much more than just a "screw". 

Original Poster, excuse me, I tend to jump on women who aren't getting it earlier in their marriage or not feeling it, I was there too at one time -so it is not like I can judge anyone, I had my own damn hangups -It wasn't weight, it was repression and being uneducated about a man's needs. We all have so much to learn. Although I did still had a nice drive- needing it once or week or I would chase him down. 

As men age, some of this will die down for them, and YOUR drive may go UP and it may really SUCK if you want it as much as HE does now, and he is suddenly filling your shoes. Let me tell you --this is not easy to be on the end of this type of rejection. 

Me & my husband had this "switch", as you know, men can not "fake it", I caused mine some performance pressure, but you know what, he NEVER pushed me away, he is my hero, he did everything he could to keep up with me. Now that is a loving spouse , I sing his praises, then I cried because I was NOT there for him -like that in his time of frustration --because I didn't get it, I really had NO idea, until I started feeling like that -the needy one, the one who was antsy , frustrated. It is a very hard place to be -when you want connection with the one you love. There is pain there. 

2-3 times a month is NOT enough for a man. He will be dying inside. 

Take 6 minutes & listen to this song, this is likely your husbands heart: 

Please forgive Me by Bryan Adams... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9EHAo6rEuas

.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> 2-3 times a month is NOT enough for a man. He will be dying inside.


Absolutely right as usual, but some men on here would think they'd hit the motherlode at three times a month!:smthumbup:


> Take 6 minutes & listen to this song, this is likely your husbands heart:
> 
> Ronan keating Feat. Rita Guerra - All Over Again - YouTube
> 
> .


Ronan Keating? That is wrong on so many levels...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Sawney Beane said:


> Ronan Keating? That is wrong on so many levels...


I know I know !!! I realized it was the wrong link and changed a miunute later, you replied too fast ! I was hoping noone would see my screw up !


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I know I know !!! I realized it was the wrong link and changed a miunute later, you replied too fast ! I was hoping noone would see my screw up !


Anyone who is / was part of a band that had to stand up ad sit down to manage the key changes in "Paddy McGinty's Goat" has very little to offer, in my opinion...

(Mrs Beane would beg to differ, though)


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

We all make choices and we are all free to feel as much resentment as we wish. It's easier to do what needs to be done with a willing heart but we can still function with a load of resentment, if you just feel you have to drag that junk around. 
I have a job I go to every day. Do I "have" to? or do I "want" to? I, alone, make that determination. It doesn't matter to my boss or my wife, as long as I do my job and bring home the cheese. 
The OP sends her husband away basically every day with a load of resentment and that appears to be ok. The world won't stop turning if she picks up a little now and then.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Sawney Beane said:


> Anyone who is / was part of a band that had to stand up ad sit down to manage the key changes in "Paddy McGinty's Goat" has very little to offer, in my opinion...
> 
> (Mrs Beane would beg to differ, though)


For the life of me Sawney, I do not get what you are trying to say here , though I did look that silly song up on You Tube and the husband raised his eyebrows asking me who sent me that?! He asked who the Goat was, and I just didn't know!


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> For the life of me Sawney, I do not get what you are trying to say here , though I did look that silly song up on You Tube and the husband raised his eyebrows asking me who sent me that?! He asked who the Goat was, and I just didn't know!


Basically a comment that his band(s) sung crap songs and were so musically inept that they had to stand up or sit down to get themselves through a key change. Paddy McGinty's Goat is a cod-irish comic song, and a comment that evenetually he and his ilk would all end up doing christmas specials singing old cobblers like that whilst sitting in rocking chairs wearing cardigans.

Give me Motorhead any day!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Sawney Beane said:


> Basically a comment that his band(s) sung crap songs and were so musically inept that they had to stand up or sit down to get themselves through a key change. Paddy McGinty's Goat is a cod-irish comic song, and a comment that evenetually he and his ilk would all end up doing christmas specials singing old cobblers like that whilst sitting in rocking chairs wearing cardigans.
> 
> Give me Motorhead any day!


Whose bands .....Bryan Adams? Why the venon ? Even if his ilk will end up doing christmas specials sitting in rocking chairs in the near future, does this make him any worse than you or me? I would still have respect for the man. If a song can move a heart, the worth is there, and so is my praise, It by no means I am into Bryan Adams. I am a Shinedown fan. We all have our tastes, give me old Guns & Roses as well. 

Let's face it - Motorhead ain't got no song to relate to this husband's heart in regard to sex. You show me a better one Sawney -I dare you the challenge.

It was not about the music, it was about "the words".


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Whose bands .....Bryan Adams?


No Ronan Keating


> Why the venon ?


 Because he's crap. No other reason


> Even if his ilk will end up doing christmas specials sitting in rocking chairs in the near future, does this make him any worse than you or me? I would still have respect for the man. If a song can move a heart, the worth is there, and so is my praise, It by no means I am into Bryan Adams. I am a Shinedown fan. We all have our tastes, give me old Guns & Roses as well.


I guess it's a UK thing - Keating et al are just considered risible. A while back another Irishman made the news by trying to be a latter alchemist and turning his own faeces into gold. Many commentators pointed out that Westlife had been trying to turn sh*t into gold for years...



> Let's face it - Motorhead ain't got no song to relate to this husband's heart in regard to sex. You show me a better one Sawney -I dare you the challenge.
> 
> It was not about the music, it was about "the words".


Wot, not even "Killed by death?" LOL


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## hldnhope (Apr 10, 2012)

Lots of good suggestions, how are things working out now?

Also, look into reading the book: The Sex-Starved Marriage. It is pretty enlightening and has even more suggestions.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Sex-Starv...7336/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1334238788&sr=8-1


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Not to sound like a broken record, but:

1) It's often noted that women sometimes just need to have regular sex to have a decent libido. Little sex begets a low libido which begets even less sex in a vicious cycle.

Maybe just putting it on the calendar and seeing it through will have the desired effect? It certainly costs nothing and cannot hurt.

2) Some people get into a mindset where if you are not actually horny you are having duty / pity sex (a bad thing). There is a middle ground where you can not be horny but have sex cheerfully with your spouse to honor the marriage and his or her commitment to you.

Somewhere around here a wise lady posted that she was taking a "servant heart" approach to sex with her husband. Might be a good read for you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you take one for the team more often, you're afraid you'll learn to resent him. Don't you understand that you've been training him to resent you?


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

I read thread after thread of women discussing the problem of having a husband with a high sex drive. And here I am with a man who seems not to need it at all. I get frustrated and eventually I have pain in that special area down there causing me to turn to porn. 

So I ask IF your man is taking care of you sexually and IF he desires you so much, what is so wrong with having sex a little more often? Marriage is usually a monogamous relationship. He cant and shouldn't have his sexually needs filled by any other person on this earth. What is so wrong about giving it to him a little more even though your drive is low?


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> If you take one for the team more often, you're afraid you'll learn to resent him. Don't you understand that you've been training him to resent you?


WTF!! Taking one for the team will cause you to resent him? Why?? It was you who signed up for the marriage and being married means you both need to be taking care of each others needs. By your own admission you are not taking care of his needs. I'm not saying he should force you to have sex every minute of every day. But if meeting his needs means resentment than you should resent yourself for signing up for it. 

My $0.02


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## happylovingwife (Jun 5, 2012)

I was in your shoes with regard to libido. I also thought hubby was being selfish with his "needs." I said to myself, "he lived without it for 21 years, surely he can wait a week or so in between." What a moron I was. 

Definitely check the hormonal b/c. Here's a snippet of something I read:

It has been known for a long time, and proven by studies as early as 2005, that the pill suppresses a woman's sex drive. Determining how much of a change is difficult since most women go on the pill to become sexual, or expecting to become sexual, or after the birth of a baby. Few women have sex with the same man for several years using another method, then go on the pill and continue to have sex with the same man. Even when a woman in an ongoing relationship goes on the pill, the ease of sex the pill provides usually means an initial increase in sex. This accounts for reports based on short term studies that say pill use increases sex. However, there is a change that can be measured, and a recent study showed that women on the pill have less sex than those not on the pill, and lower sex drives than those who have never used the pill.1

But it gets worse! Going off the pill does not immediately return a woman's sex drive to normal. In fact, there is good reason to suspect that it takes many years, and possibly never returns to what it would be had she not used the pill. This is based on levels of sex hormone-binding globulin (SHBG) in women using the pill, women who have stopped using the pill, and women who have never used the pill. SHBG is a protein that binds to sex hormones - including testosterone. The more SHBG in a person's body, the less free testosterone in the body. One small study showed mean levels of free testosterone dropped by 69% and 89% with two formulations of one pill!2 This means less testosterone available to do the things testosterone does - which includes fuelling sex drive.

Studies show that going on the pill increases SHBG levels to four times normal. Six months after discontinuation of the pill, levels were still about double those of women who had never taken the pill.3 For the few women followed for a year, the levels did not drop between six and twelve months. It had been expected that SHBG levels would fall to normal in a few weeks; high levels a year out indicate some change in the body that has not yet been explained. The researchers hypothesised that long-term pill use could cause changes that lead to increased gene expression of SHBG. It is possible that use of the pill means life-long lower free testosterone levels, with a resultant lower sex drive.

I don't mean to scare people, but the pill noticeably affected my drive. It was insidious too because it took a year or so before the change was obvious so it was difficult to find the root cause. Some women aren't affected by it and continue to have a healthy drive. Others are. It's worth finding out if you are experiencing this yourself.

Second, the best way I can rev up my libido is force myself to think sexually throughout the day. I think about my fantasies with my husband. I think "dirty thoughts" or read dirty books. The research definitely bears true for me, the more I have the more I want. When hubby and I are in a dry spell (more than 2 or 3 days which rarely happens these days), I never masturbate. When we're active, I will masturbate during the day and have sex at night. My libido also fluctuates widely during my cycle but since hormones are turning ovulation off for you, this will not be true for you. 

Good luck. I hope you get this under control before your husband totally checks out of the marriage.


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

It kind of goes both ways dear it's NOT just YOU.... Women need to feel connected with their husband and I am sure just like he is making you feel bad because he is bitter and resenting you for lack of sex...your resenting him because your being forced to do it and on his terms(by you having to always be on top and do the work) This should be an effort on both your part. Sounds like you guys really need to communicate about this. Maybe you can approach it by asking him how he feels about this and tell him you want to know what he's thinking and that you would like to allow both of ya'll to speak openly about this and come to an understanding.


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## Imjustaslostasyou (Apr 22, 2020)

inamoratoskiss said:


> I'm posting because after a lot of browsing and searching I haven't found something quite like my situation, so hope to get some input from you guys. I don't know how to briefly set this up, but I'm going to try.
> 
> We have sex roughly once a month, have probably never gone more than 2 months without, and occasionally manage 2-3 times in a month. We both almost always reach orgasm, and I personally find sex consistently satisfying.
> 
> ...


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## Imjustaslostasyou (Apr 22, 2020)

(M54) My wife also is like you but we have sex every saturday night. I feel like before, during and after we have sex she only does it to keep me happy and keep arguments down. Its very disappointing to me because it makes me feel undesirable and not wanted. I tell her everyday how desirable and sexy she is even my male friends and men she has as clients (she is a dog groomer). They all tell me they would love to get in her pants and her clients tell me theybring the family dog to her instead of there wife because they get to see her what they call eye candy. She is 53 5'8 tall 135# I am 54 6'1 tall 215 so not that over weight.
I love giving her back and neck massages which she says she loves but I never get anything return. 
After all that which I have said just don't have sex with your husband because you feel obligated to do so.
I have had the big D word in my mind for a long time now


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

This is an 8 year old zombie thread you just replied to.

??


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

I cannot believe that I did not catch that.... Goodness...


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

On the other hand we have a new post from a new member. Probably a good idea to move it to its own thread rather than lock and toss.


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## Dave25 (May 24, 2019)

inamoratoskiss said:


> I'm posting because after a lot of browsing and searching I haven't found something quite like my situation, so hope to get some input from you guys. I don't know how to briefly set this up, but I'm going to try.
> 
> We have sex roughly once a month, have probably never gone more than 2 months without, and occasionally manage 2-3 times in a month. We both almost always reach orgasm, and I personally find sex consistently satisfying.
> 
> ...


There may be different reasons why you have little sex drive, but the equation in marriage is very simple. We share our bodies with our spouse because we are one with them. We belong to the other, including in our flesh. 

You should not refuse intimacy in bed with your husband just because you don't feel like it. Share it with him because he is your spouse, and because he desires it. There is peace and contentment in marriage that way, and no one is frustrated. 

So I encourage you to look at sex as a basic marital responsibility, not something one only does based on feelings and individual autonomous will. Man and wife are one in marriage and it is unjust to withhold from someone what you rightfully owe them. It is a spouse's right to enjoy it.


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