# Makes me feel guilty!



## unhappynewlywed (Nov 3, 2010)

I have previously posted about my controlling husband. He wants to control every aspect of my life and for the past 3 years has changed anything about me he didn't like by simply saying, if you want to do that then I guess we shouldn't be together. Of course I gave in and changed, and now I completely resent him for it.
I want out and every time I try to bring it up and talk with him he makes me feel awful. Tonight I tried to talk to him about how he has taken me away from my best friends for the last 3 years. He insists he will change because I am his entire world, and continues on to tell me how I am making it sound like he is an awful person. I feel like every time I tell him about something that makes me unhappy he turns it around so I feel bad for even saying it...
Has anyone else experienced this? I want out but need advice for how to work up the courage to keep him from talking me out of it b/c he cries and tells me I'm making him feel like the bad guy...


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

If you feel like you want out, then you have to just tell him and go. You can't talk about it if all he's going to do is guilt you into staying and nothing changes. 

Have you two had any counseling? It might be worth trying some counseling before you completely throw in the towel. Although he does sound controlling, it might be that this is just the example he's always had, so he doesn't know how to do things differently. Counseling *could* help him find different ways of dealing with a relationship, and maybe things would get better.


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## unhappynewlywed (Nov 3, 2010)

We have not had couples counseling. I told him that I was going to go to a counselor and he got mad. After I went, he wanted to know what she had to say, not if I felt any better, but if she had anything bad to say about him and our relationship. Just last night I told him again how unhappy I am. His very first response "do you have any idea how that makes me feel to know you don't want to be here with me?". He says nothing about what is making me unhappy, or how can we work on it, just how bad it makes him feel. 
I can't take it anymore. I am overcome with feelings of sadness when I am around him. When I am not around him, it is a relief...


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

From your brief description, it sounds as if he could even have a personality disorder. Regardless, it seems hard for him to have sympathy towards you and even turns everything around so that he is the victim. It is likely that he is really good at this. You have to start recognizing this or else you'll never be able to set boundaries and will live in guilt.

My point is, if he is so skewed that he can't sympathize with your feelings, you'll be miserable unless he makes improvements through counseling.

I'm not trying to diagnose, but only to encourage you to see that if your entire life is for him and by his rules, its no life. If he has cut you off of your contacts and controls, it could even turn to desperation if you discuss leaving.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What I'd say is that you need to remember that you're not responsible for his happiness. As takris says, he's twisting everything around to being about how it hurts him, and affects him. You need to look at YOUR needs. Especially if he's not willing to look at getting some form of help for changing himself or your relationship.

C


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your husband has only that power which you surrender to him. It's perfectly ok to say "no" and frequently, it's the healthiest thing to do. Being too passive in a relationship is just as damaging as being controlling. Nobody leads without willing followers. Guilt is a useless weapon if used against someone who doesn't accept it. You can't entirely change him (or anyone else) but why do you so desperately fear abandonment that you are willing to lose yourself? If he leaves, the world will still turn and with or without him, you are a valuable, loveable person. Regardless of what you do or say, he always has the option of leaving (just as you do). Give and expect respect. Next time he makes the threat of leaving, tell him leaving is his option but treating you with disrespect is not.


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## unhappynewlywed (Nov 3, 2010)

At this point I feel like getting out is what is best for me. I don't want to fix things anymore. We are so different. I can't help but think there is someone better suited for me out there and someone better suited for him too. 
The frustrating thing is I think he knows where things are headed too. I feel like he's hanging on to anything he can to keep me around. He knows that I do not like to hurt people, so whenever I get up the courage to say how I am really feeling, he throws it back at me so that I stop talking and saying things that might hurt him. I think he figures if I don't say them they aren't true. I swear it's going to end up making me just pack my bags and disappear without talking one day.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It is easy to avoid talking to a controller because they like to punish those who dare question their position. They like to get accusatory and often loud so you'll learn your lesson and get back in your cage. Whether he even cares what you think or feel is beside the point. You need to say it. If you end up leaving, it'll be as a powerful equal, with head held high and not as a victim, sneaking off in the night from her oppressor. To a great degree, we decide how others treat us. Sneaking away is easier but it reinforces in your mind the lie that your are powerless.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Sorry unhappynewlywed for all what you are going through
I agree with takris PBear and unbelievable and i guess he needs individual therapy and so much work on himself before you think to go to couples counseling

You asked if someone lived same life like yours you may find so many because all abusers act in similar way and the cycle of abuse got you like it got all the abused women and i am one of them lol

If you want to read more about your case and your husband i guess you need to check the page of my thread check the link below
you don't need to read my posts just read what my friends uptown and turnera said and particularly uptown because as i suspect and as takris also said that your H might have personality disorder. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...n/12611-28-years-marriage-what-ca-i-do-2.html


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## 34Emotion (Feb 13, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Your husband has only that power which you surrender to him. It's perfectly ok to say "no" and frequently, it's the healthiest thing to do. Being too passive in a relationship is just as damaging as being controlling. Nobody leads without willing followers. Guilt is a useless weapon if used against someone who doesn't accept it. You can't entirely change him (or anyone else) but why do you so desperately fear abandonment that you are willing to lose yourself? If he leaves, the world will still turn and with or without him, you are a valuable, loveable person. Regardless of what you do or say, he always has the option of leaving (just as you do). Give and expect respect. Next time he makes the threat of leaving, tell him leaving is his option but treating you with disrespect is not.


WOW! this really spoke to me! Thanks you unbelievable! My husband tries the guilt card constantly when i want to go out for a night with the girl friends ect. He punishes me with the silent treatment ect. "Regardless of what you do or say, he always has the option of leaving (just as you do). Give and expect respect. Next time he makes the threat of leaving, tell him leaving is his option but treating you with disrespect is not." I love your post!


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