# Feeling Abandoned and Discarded (lengthy!)



## woolgather (Aug 17, 2013)

lthough I was married to C (i'll just call him that for ease), I do not consider it a marriage. We were married for less than three months and he just bailed out.

C fawned over me while I was in a relationship with someone else. I left that 6 year relationship to be with C. Although I had loved before, I finally knew what being in love was. It was the first time I was selfless. C would tell me that he never loved anyone else before. He told me that he needed things to work with me, that we were meant to be. In the beginning, I believed all of this; I felt the same way. We moved in together in less than two months of knowing each other, and got married in six months. He was always pushing for these things, and I went along because I loved him and saw that all these things were going to come for us eventually, so why not now? It seemed like he could never be happy just with me, he always wanted something else--whether it was living together, marriage, cats, a dog, or kids. Whereas, I was just happy being with him.

W were together for eight-and-a-half months in total, and we were really an unhealthy relationship. I was unhappy and turned my unhappiness into control and jealousy. He was distant. There were times when I threatened to leave, and in the moment I meant it, but I just knew that I could never go through with it. I thought that all that bad stuff between us was worth it just for our rare sweet moments (dancing, holding each other).

C defined my self-worth for those 8 months. Always telling me how I was the most precious girl in the world--He once even cried out of happiness when I asked him to move a piece of hair out of my face while he was holding me. He told me that he had had the best months in his life with me; he was even happier than when he was very popular in HS and college. It was not just words—he drew photos and wrote poems for me constantly. He made photoshows for us, one with a final slide that said “the best is yet to come,” which hurt me so much to view a few days ago, because there is nothing else to come of us.

Looking back, I think C had ideals of romance, and I was merely a role-filler. He finally was holding a job, and wanted more time to himself than ever. I was studying for a big exam, and finally had my own thing going for me--this was supposed to be our answer! 

One Sunday night, we got into a huge fight, which was based on an earlier fight that day and all of the build-up of our unhappiness. It was the first time that C encouraged my departure. We talked and talked and eventually decided that we were worth fighting for, that we would each make changes. I could not leave that night because I knew I would always regret it not knowing what we could have been if I gave it my best shot. He told me that when he was happy with me, and when he made me happy, it was a better feeling than any drug or alcohol had ever been for him.

The rest of the week I kept myself busy, as did he. I felt the distance from him, but I chalked it up to his job. On Friday, after I refused to have sex (I could feel his distance. Normally I loved being with him), he got up abruptly (this was normal--he smoked every ten minutes, just one of the ways he escaped into his own world--he was always so distant!) and said "ever since Sunday, I knew this could never work." It was the first time in my life I felt like reality was actually some nightmare. I was shocked and for a few minutes just sat there, naked. The rest of the late night went on with me sobbing, him tearing and a lot of confusion on my end--How did this person who told me that I was his soul mate, that we were meant to be, that I was the sweetest, most beautiful girl in the world, how could he just give up? How could he make marriage vows and then want to leave just saying that he got tired? He also said that he hated checking in, that he wanted cats, that he liked our neighnorhood and I didn’t, that he wanted to listen to music when he wanted to (I wanted him to cuddle with me after we had sex/made love—he used to-- and this was something I told him made us incompatible on that Sunday, that it wasn’t out fault, just a few days before he told me he didn’t want to work on us anymore), he wanted to watch “the game” when he wanted to, he wanted to go to the bagel store at 3 in the morning if he wanted to, and he didn’t want tabs kept on him. He also didn’t want my jealousy. But I was working on all of these things I felt I was better than ever. “But didn’t we get along this week?” I asked. “Yeah, we were fine,” he replied. He used to hate when I said we were fine; he would earnestly get angry and say “no we are GREAT.” I didn’t always agree, but I acted like I did. I asked him if our time together was a waste, and he said no, and had a list of all the things I taught him, including how to be patient. When he asked me what he did for me, I said something lame like “open my mind to music I wouldn’t have listened to before you.” He did open my mind to many things, but it was superficial stuff. When I really think about it, yes, it taught me how to love, how to be selfless. But whenever he asked what it was about him that I loved, I could never say. I just knew I did. I wonder if I hurt him in that way. I did feel a sense of unconditional love towards him-- no matter how bad things got, I always just wanted to make him feel loved. He just knew why he loved me, and I had no idea why I loved him. In a way, I think I also loved how he always complimented me, made me feel so special. I let him define my self-worth for almost 9 months.

I refuse to acknowledge our marriage as a real marriage. I asked him why he married me, knowing my jealousy and control issues (it’s not like I changed once we married), and he said that he had hope for us. Apparently, his hope faded. I always meant to change--I started seeing a therapist, really trying to get a handle on my BPD (borderline personality y disorder). He wanted us to work so much that he even started reading a book for people in relationships with those affected by BPD. I felt so loved. But in the end, we just really were not right for each other at all. It was that I didn't want to believe it though, and, eventually, he did.

The hardest part of all this is that he does not want to be here for me right now. He always told me how I was there for him in his worst moments, when no one else was and how much he appreciated it. He claims that this break-up is hard for him, too. I ask him how it has shown in his life, and he says he gets distracted at work. Since the night right before I moved out, I have not had more than a five-minute conversation with him. When I ask him for an answer to his bailing out he gets very frustrated, says “this is what I am talking about. This is what I can’t take anymore.” And, similar to when we were together, he will then, right after venting, tell me something to make me feel better, he said “I love you. I always will, sweety. I will never regret us.” And I want to believe that, but it also does not make sense to me.
I am so hurt and finding it hard to believe that he could really ever have loved me. How could he when I plead for him to talk and he says that we will, only to give me the rest of my things from our old place together, and run away? It seems like everything will happen on his time and terms. “We can still be loving and kind, in a non-romantic way. We can still be friends. I will always love you; I don’t want you out of my life,” he says. But, he wants it all when it is convenient for him. It’s just too hard feeling so discarded. I told him on the night of his revealing the end for us that I felt so unloved and unwanted, he replied that I was unwanted, that that was what breaking up was. This was not a marriage. Another strange thing he said to me was that at least he gave me the courtesy to tell me in person, instead of texting or emailing. I said “but I am your wife! You live with me! You had no other option!” He also said “You dumped A, now I’m dumping you. That’s just life.” But I believed C and I were different, that at some point we thought we were made for each other. I could not understand his callousness.

I have borderline personality and am going into intensive treatment for it as soon as a space opens up in a group. I have an individual therapist that I have been calling at least 1x a day. AND I contacted an old therapist of mine, even though she said that she is not the right person to be treating me, because she has a tight schedule and I need more time than she has. I go between anxiety and depression. Now I am mostly depressed, but I do feel better than I have other times during this week. I cannot believe it's been a week since this all unraveled. I am letting him keep me on his string. I waver between wanting to have no contact at all and wanting to be friends. It's just too hard to let go. Even if it was so unhealthy, I miss him holding me. I miss how he smells.

I should also add that in the beginning of our relationship we would really make love, like we were both very in the moment and it was pure. In the last part of our relationship it definitely seemed like C was just f***ing me. I can't understand that he would try to have sex with me when he already had made up his mind on our demise.At least not in the light of his saying, even when he was breaking up with me, he always makes love to me. Isn't that selfish and a betrayal to want that from me, knowing what was on his mind. Thank goodness I did not give in the night that he wanted to have me for the last time. It was then, when I rejected him, that he got up angrily and said he was done (as I posted above).


----------



## pepsi1967 (Aug 15, 2013)

glad you shared, seems like you needed to just vent and share your hurt. OK, time to move on. he was a learning experience of many more to come. I don't know how old you are, but you seem young. my advice take time for you, no serious relationships for a while. make friends and learn from those relationships about different personalities and how to understand people in general. therapy is a good start. yes work on your BPD. you already discovered one truth, you moved to fast with this relationship.

Love yourself. do you for now and grow into a strong confident person who can attract strong, healthy confident men. you deserve, as do we all to be loved unconditionally. I find that having a pet is a good way to love and be loved. baby steps. You'll get there.


----------



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Sounds like you both moved too fast. 

_I thought that all that bad stuff between us was worth it just for our rare sweet moments (dancing, holding each other).
_

Dancing and holding each other does not make a marriage. Nor are they worth 'all that bad stuff’. 

You both have a lot of growing to do. He is not ready for a longterm commitment. Continue your therapy, hold your head high, and move on. 

And don’t let a man, or anyone else, define your self-worth. That’s your job.


----------

