# Is love really a choice?



## SugarMonstaa (Aug 30, 2013)

I am trying hard to understand because I see both sides. I can’t control who I’m attracted to, who I’m compatible with, or who I start to fall in love with. But I think I can control if I want to keep that love going…
Then I think about my ex who I was with for five years. I feel like I made a decision to not love him anymore based on actions. Do I have some feelings of caring? I think I always will but I made a choice to not love him and my actions would prove so. I wouldn’t sacrifice anything I have for him lol. I chose not to feed that feeling I guess.
But then I think, does this apply to family and platonic love as well? I can’t decide to hate my parents can I? I mean if I do hate them I can’t help but feel that way. But then again you can decide by your actions to try and build that loving relationship or live in denial it will always work and be hopeful so you love.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

LOTs of grey areas when it comes to love.

I simply focus on one thing, LOVE is defined by action.

Feeling, as long as it's there.......it's great, but if there is no action.......it's not love.

Words are cheap.

Applies to significant other, family, friends....ANYONE.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DoF said:


> LOTs of grey areas when it comes to love.
> 
> I simply focus on one thing, LOVE is defined by action.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

That about sums up my take on it as well.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

I think love starts out as an involuntary feeling. There are always obscure exceptions to everything, but I would say in general you really can't just pick a random person and make a choice to love them. You have to feel it inside in order to act upon it, hence the "you can't help who you love." Then you began to combine your life with this person and I believe that love becomes a choice along the way. First of all, the butterflies and newness wears off after a while. Is this enough to bore you and make you run? Could be for some. So you choose to keep loving them. At times you may think the grass is greener on the other side. Perhaps. But you can choose to instead water your own lawn. 

With my ex I still cared about him and felt that. But the love had faded. And instead of making the choice to love him I let it fade and made the choice to leave him.

I have a good friend who i have known for a very very long time. Various unfortunate things have come between us over the last couple years and mistakes on both parts. I am still hopeful we can one day work things out. And though i have a lot of hurt and anger towards her about things she has done, i do not let my love fade for her. I made a choice to not completely be done away with her. I love her too much. I just do not interact with her anymore.

And my husband. So many ups and downs with him. Love is definitely a choice with him. I find myself still having a visceral love for him that i can't control. But a lot of the time it is a choice on my part because my natural feelings can be very negative towards him through the types of trials we are going through. 

A piece of advice that has stuck out to me was in an article about the longest married couple i believe... and they were asked what the secret was to a long lasting marriage. And they said "we never fell out of love at the same time." That struck me and i always remember it.

So, yes love is a choice. It starts out natural, and then the rest is up to you. Feelings are too fickle and fleeting sometimes and can often cause rash decisions without thinking of the long term.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

SugarMonstaa said:


> I am trying hard to understand because I see both sides. I can’t control who I’m attracted to, who I’m compatible with, or who I start to fall in love with. But I think I can control if I want to keep that love going…
> Then I think about my ex who I was with for five years. I feel like I made a decision to not love him anymore based on actions. Do I have some feelings of caring? I think I always will but I made a choice to not love him and my actions would prove so. I wouldn’t sacrifice anything I have for him lol. I chose not to feed that feeling I guess.
> But then I think, does this apply to family and platonic love as well? I can’t decide to hate my parents can I? I mean if I do hate them I can’t help but feel that way. But then again you can decide by your actions to try and build that loving relationship or live in denial it will always work and be hopeful so you love.


I don't think it's always a choice. I'm certain that the intense maternal love I felt for my children within seconds of each of their births was not a choice. It just was... kind of waved over me and I'm sure some other mothers may feel the same. I also don't think I choose to love them unconditionally.

Not to say he's a bad kid - he's not, but I think my oldest (my youngest one day too I'm sure) has gotten away with things - not in terms of consequences but in terms of still having my love and affection all the same that friends or other relatives would not. 

I really don't think that's a choice I made to love my kids without condition that they are deserving of it. Likewise, I don't think it's a choice for me to love others conditionally. I just do and with varying degrees depending on the relationship or person (for some the bar is lower, others higher), for many I don't believe we'll ever reach that point but the conditions exist nonetheless. 

I wish I believed in the romantic notion of unconditional love. However, experiences have taught me that every interaction we have with others can either add, detract or be neutral to the way we feel about them. 

If enough positive experiences happen, we will feel positive. If it's all or mostly neutral, you can take it or leave it. If it's negative most often we will guard our hearts or feel resentment or withdraw completely. Let resentment fester too long and contempt can set in. Contempt, while not always accepted as an opposite of love (some say it's apathy) is certainly not warm and tingly... closely related in some ways perhaps but it sure ain't love. 

I also think that while distance can make the heart grow fonder, if it's too long/too much people can become out of sight/out of mind. You may not run out of love for that person but it won't be as strong as it was or could be. I even feel this in my closer relationships with friends and certain relatives. Distance can create more distance. If I go too long without seeing/speaking to someone, I still love them but just not as intimately as I do when in more frequent contact. 

That's part of why we tell those who are having inappropriate feelings for someone else whilst married/in a committed relationship to physically distance themselves from that person. Not having those feelings constantly reinforced lets them cool off. 

Going in a different direction, I do know that love can be expressed through action even when it's not felt before that action begins. So in this train of thought, I do see an element of choice. I think we tend to care a great deal about the things we work for and towards. 

We invest a lot of emotion into our houses - especially if we spent years saving or time repairing, renovating, and decorating them; our careers as we educate ourselves, increase our skills and work our way up the ladder; our cars as we drive them, maintain them, wash and wax them and tune them up - heck, many people name their cars!), etc.

So the same can be said for people. If you put a lot of effort doing things for and to build up another or raise their importance in your life - they can become important to you. This is part of why some people stay in horrible relationships for so long - they don't want to throw away their "investment"...even if it's a bad one! On the positive side, it's also what can keep a good thing going or make a good thing that has gone stale great again. 

Doesn't always have to be an action either. It can be choosing to see things in a different light. For example, deciding not to focus on the bad but looking at the good things one's spouse does bring to the table by noting all of the nice things they did for you everyday or thinking about 3 positive qualities they have each day instead of focusing on the bad. (Not a comprehensive list). 

This said, I do think that love had to be there on some level to begin with to rekindle it or at least the potential for it to be there has to be there (arranged marriages where the people do end up falling in love for example). 

I also think it can work the other way. You love them, they hurt you and you stop doing loving things or stop acknowledging anything good about them as part of your detaching from them and eventually stop loving them.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I can chose to be loving toward a person.

I can chose to have love for a person.

I, however, can not choose to be _in_ love with a person. I can not chose things like chemistry, connection, that ineffable feeling of being inexplicably drawn to a person day after day, year after year, decade after decade.

There is a reason that several cultures have different words for different kinds of love. "Love" has many components to it, and it is many things all at once. 

Love is a choice.
Love is an action.
Love is a feeling.
Love is voluntary.
Love just happens.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Adeline said:


> and they were asked what the secret was to a long lasting marriage. And they said _"we never fell out of love at the same time."_ That struck me and i always remember it.


I do enjoy that quote. It reminds me of:

_"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person."_ - Mignon McLaughlin

Both quotes are romantic and realistic at the same time. I appreciate how both quotes allow for the rocky times but also demonstrate surpassing them. I think for many, romantic love can ebb and flow or peak and valley. I think its something that's helpful for a lot of people to be aware of. (Thinking of healthy relationships here with typical issues, not dysfunctional ones where some may twist it as a reason to have false hope!). I've seen a lot of people throwing away good relationships/marriages and regretting it - things felt stale or boring because the "honeymoon period" was over, so instead of adding more interest, tried with someone new or it was a (temporarily) stressful time and ending the relationship seemed the solution but wasn't.


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

Love is "sort of" a choice. You can certainly choose to forgive or not forgive, or to communicate or not communicate. How you manage such choices influences your opportunity to feel love. Sit in the wrong choices long enough and they will become permanent. 

With regard to romantic love I am convinced chemistry drives desire. I'm using the word chemistry in this context to mean finding in your spouse what truly and fully satisfies you both sexually and emotionally, and vice-versa. I.e. "meeting each other's needs" (and hopefully a few fantasies too  Once that begins to wane, you're obviously going to lose sexual desire for that person. And this component is beyond your control. More specifically, it is within your spouse's control and theirs alone.


-seahorse



SugarMonstaa said:


> I am trying hard to understand because I see both sides. I can’t control who I’m attracted to, who I’m compatible with, or who I start to fall in love with. But I think I can control if I want to keep that love going…
> Then I think about my ex who I was with for five years. I feel like I made a decision to not love him anymore based on actions. Do I have some feelings of caring? I think I always will but I made a choice to not love him and my actions would prove so. I wouldn’t sacrifice anything I have for him lol. I chose not to feed that feeling I guess.
> But then I think, does this apply to family and platonic love as well? I can’t decide to hate my parents can I? I mean if I do hate them I can’t help but feel that way. But then again you can decide by your actions to try and build that loving relationship or live in denial it will always work and be hopeful so you love.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

i was engaged once, to a girl i had been dating exclusively for six years. loved her to death... but she got hooked on drugs and refused to get off them. it was a deal breaker for me. 

then i met a random girl and decided to marry well before i fell in love with her. i felt her out a bit to see how intelligent she was and decided that, yep, this is a girl i can have lots of long conversations with. i wanted to start a family. 

the butterflies came after a few years of figuring things out. so yeah, i would say that love is a choice. i chose to love her, she chose to love me. 

im glad i didnt let my initial gripes turn me away from her. she turned out to be one hell of an amazing wife. my best friend, my partner, and my lover. we just had to choose to love each other through the learning curve.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> I wish I believed in the romantic notion of unconditional love. However, experiences have taught me that every interaction we have with others can either add, detract or be neutral to the way we feel about them.


It's all about the empathy. It's all about giving them another chance. It's all about loving them by choice, through thick and thin. It's all about what you described as choosing to look at the few things a spouse did well instead of the many things they did poorly. It's all about seeing with understanding, that they truly are trying. 

It's when they stop truly trying, that it hurts so much and we must somehow try to stop seeing the good things they did. It's all about removing the brainwashing we did to ourselves for years that those few things they did well were just what we needed. 

It's not such a good thing after all. It is great when two are well matched and never do anything that will truly threaten the marriage. That does happen from time to time, but it's really getting into fantasy area. 

Best to realize it is attraction we have little to no control over and actions we do have control over. 



Curious, As la Dain. I took that approach in my second marriage. How is it you have not had a period of low sexual desire for a woman you forced yourself to love? Did I somehow misinterpret?

You see, I took a similar approach in my second marriage. I lost that desire for her body. Some of that was my mental and physical health, but I do realize it really wasn't greatly there to start with. So, this is not an attack on you, but an attempt to understand where I went wrong or how our decisions differed that led you to success and me to failure.

I do believe my mistake was in the amount of physical attraction I felt for her. I think it needed to be more and more naturally occurring rather than more responsive.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

actually, the attraction did not start out as strong. when we were first married, i wasnt all that attracted to her. it took her losing some weight, dressing better, picking up new hygiene habits, etc. 

i would say it was about two years before we really started to find each other attractive, and another year before we were constantly sneaking time to have sex...


basically, i told her what i needed from her in order to be attracted to her. she just had a few things to work on. once we started having sex all the time, she became even more attractive to me. 


but yeah, i said i like my women athletic and with clean teeth, she started brushing her teeth and working out. my wife said she liked her men to have a six pack and to take charge, well, i worked on it until i had it. we didnt change our entire personalities or anything, we just both worked on ourselves and brought home sexy.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Honest communication with a desire to keep the person you had good basic personality compatibility with seems like it was important to both of you. Hope I got that right. Thank you.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> Honest communication with a desire to keep the person you had good basic personality compatibility with seems like it was important to both of you. Hope I got that right. Thank you.


yep


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You can act lovingly even if you don't love or are not in love. However, it is an ACT. To me, love is when feelings and actions align.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> You can act lovingly even if you don't love or are not in love. However, it is an ACT. To me, love is when feelings and actions align.


Since perceived love is the only way we know that someone loves us, in other words we need to see the actions to know they love us, what is the litmus test for knowing we are loved(whether it's real or an act)?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> Since perceived love is the only way we know that someone loves us, in other words we need to see the actions to know they love us, what is the litmus test for knowing we are loved(whether it's real or an act)?


if someone is willing to do it to make you feel loved, then you are loved. if they are starving for love and are doing it hoping that you will love them, you are still loved. 

if they are manipulating you into feeling loved... well, your lucky.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Since perceived love is the only way we know that someone loves us, in other words we need to see the actions to know they love us, what is the litmus test for knowing we are loved(whether it's real or an act)?


You've never felt love emanating from a person toward you without them taking actions to express that love?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
I think love is an emotional reaction to real things: appearnce, voice, bearing, personality, and maybe most important how someone responds to you. 

Once formed, love tends to endure - but it can be broken if the subject of your love behaves in a way that is not acceptable to you.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

jaquen said:


> You've never felt love emanating from a person toward you without them taking actions to express that love?


Is this a joke jaquen? If not, I don't understand the post. I have literally never learned anything by osmosis.


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