# Trying to move forward...



## jsykes (Jun 23, 2015)

So here's my story:
Met her when we were both married and both at the point where we were thinking about bolting. We had an affair and got divorced. Mine was a trainwreck as I was on the fence sometimes and her situation made it worse as her soon to be ex was bat**** crazy and pissed - told their kids about it, threatened her and me etc...Things have always felt shaky but we have this draw to one another. 

Fast forward 4 years- I started getting hooked on pain meds and was pushing the whole world out slowly but surely. She started hanging out with a guy at her work who was 10yrs younger and a player at the place. We'd argue about this guy as when she'd talk about him she'd light up and her eyes smiled. He'd call when she was at my place and one time she closed my bedroom door and talked to him for 30 minutes. She claimed that he was "just a friend" and she was setting him up with another girl from work. We'd be breaking up and getting back together a couple days later during this period and I broke it off at one point because she said she wouldn't stop hanging out with him - drinking after work, lunches etc. I made it clear about my feeling about this guy and how I thought things didn't seem right. A couple of things happened that summer - she had him over to 'help put lawn furniture together'. She made sure via an argument with me that I wouldn't come over (typical of the last few years). Anyway this guy came over an she was laying out in her bathing suit and they were drinking beers. She wanted him to want her etc and says nothing happened. I had to be out of the country a few weeks later and my gut knew she had slept with him but she denied it over an over. She confirmed it just earlier this year. When we decided to move forward I asked that she stop contact with this guy and got 'he's just a friend' crap but she said she would and there was nothing between them. 

During the next few years she snuck around behind my back trying to hook up with him - drinks, lunch etc and had him as a FB friend and LinkedIn and txt. Finally in 2014 she met him and continued as supposed emotional affair with him for 3-6 months. I caught wind of her seeing him behind my back right after but didn't say anything because I knew things we going south. In Dec 2014, they were sexting and seeing each other while she was still with me and they were doing that on a weekend vacay we had right after X-mas. I figured it all out then while she was in the shower and figured it was over. She broke it off with me 2 weeks later and claimed that it was for both of us and that there was no one else. We kept sleeping together and that made things worse. One night/morning she txted me and asked me to call her if I was up. We talked about working things through and she told me she slept with this guy that night and though I should bag working it out with her but they continued. She later admitted she slept with him once 4 years prior. She said that she was trying to make me go away and it pretty much did it. 

We said goodbyes finally in Feb and I went to rehab to fix me. During this time we started to talk again and talked about working things out, coming clean and laying it all on the table. I did, but she gave me half truths and lies. Since then it's been a trickle truth and everytime she tells me more I'm hit with 'there's nothing else that I have to tell' until the next week or when I tell her I'm done. So I don't know whats real or not. I've got all her FB messages and most of her TXT with this guy and they aren't pretty. I'm more envious that pissed sometimes because he got what I always wanted from her. She tells me that the 2 situations were not related but I don't buy that - it's the same guy and she fell for him twice and I don't think she ever let go of him.

So I wasn't an angel either: I slept with my ex wife many times during our relationship and at once point tried to get her to work it for revenge on this woman. I flirted (as did she), did drugs, which I have stopped. I was a jerk when I was and pushed her away.

I do love her and we still have the connection but I'm wondering if we're beating a dead horse here? We both have done crappy things to each other in the 9yrs together and we're still here and seems to be stronger. I'm just stuck on her affairs and the lies. I'm terrified I'll open up and she'll do it again. She does reassure me that she wants us to work and all this won't happen again. We're in counseling together and on our own ever week. 

So guess at the end of the day am I holding on to stupid crap to hold me back from having the future with her I'd always wanted but we both were too scared to say it and let the external crap around us dictate our lives?

Thanks


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Damn. The Karma Bus sure has been making the rounds here lately.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Damn. The Karma Bus sure has been making the rounds here lately.


Right? We were both married, I slept with my ex many times and did lots of flirting, but somehow I still feel within my rights be upset about her messing around. 

Good luck with that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

jsykes,

Let me put this to you as delicately as I can.

You made a mistake by cheating on your wife instead of divorcing her first. Your GF made the same mistake. I think the advice you're going to get here will not sit well with you, but you need to take it to heart.

"If they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you". Your's is among the 97 percent of relationships that don't work out - that are spawned through infidelity.

Dump the cheater, then work on yourself. Get counseling. Find out why you cheated. When you get to a point where you know you won't cheat again; go find a faithful woman, be truthful about your past, and remain faithful to her as long as you're married or in a committed relationship. Learn from your mistake. 

Good luck to you.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

You obviously both have a magnetic attraction to each other. It is an unstoppable gravitational pull, yes you should keep working on it. Classic tale of love that was meant to be:crying:


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The experts say that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you believe this, then a future for the two of you looks much like the last 9 years - one of cheating and lying on both your parts.

I know that there were good times. There usually are. I know you both have your good points. People usually do. Those good elements don't include faithfulness and trustworthiness, however, so you can't rely on those things just suddenly self-generating, for either one of you.

You both just have to decide whether you want to continue with a relationship that is defined the way yours has been. It is wildly against the odds that it will change. (It is certainly against the odds that she slept with him just twice, by the way.)

At the moment, you two are a good match. If one of you gets religion, though, things will get very difficult, indeed.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

jsykes said:


> We both have done crappy things to each other in the 9yrs together and we're still here and seems to be stronger.


Stronger, really?.. how, based on what?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If there are classes on open marriages that might work for you two. Or swinging.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

You threw away your W for a known cheat....what the h*ll did you expect?

Not that you are any better....sounds to me that you are getting your just rewards.

Dump this worthless cheat...and then get into some serious counseling to figure out why you could be such a disgusting person yourself.

Fix yourself...and learn how to be a guy with some honor and integrity.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Oh, dear. 

You were both in broken relationships and you tried fixing the situations you were in by cheating.

I think you could both benefit from counselling.

Not to keep you together but to make certain you are both better people for your futures.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You two deserve each other. 

You are both self-serving, self-centred and not capable of being in a faithful monogamous relationship. You have both left a trail of pain in your path and are foisting the same on each other. 

Unless you doing some major self-reflection and decide to change yourself for the better you will continue to have these problems, the same applies to your wife.

Good luck with that.


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

Definitely stay together. 

Negotiate a discount with your doctor for frequent STD testing.


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