# 10 years and three kids later



## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

Hey everyone, I'm back. So this is a continuation of a former post, where I was trying to save my marriage. So obviously, that didn't work. We are going to get divorced some time next year. Next year, we would have been together for ten years. We have three kids; 3,5 and 7. She wants the divorce because she says shes not happy, doesn't know why she isn't, doesn't know what it's going to take to make her happy, and as she put it "I need to know if I'm broken."

I get that fact that we got married young and had kids young, but it's when things started to get really good that she goes through this. When things are bad, she handles, and when things are good, that's what she can't do. There is so much to go over, it's actually easier just to respond. 

Thanks guys.

Also, here is the other thread.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/family-parenting-forums/225386-things-little-backwards.html


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Personally, she is responsible for her own emotions. She has to be responsible for what makes her happy and content. You can't do that for her, and she should not put that responsibility on you. She sounds broken herself.

Did not read your other thread, but if you have issues, work on them. Become a healthy individual for your next relationship. Learn what a healthy relationship entails, and learn about healthy communication. Find out what makes you happy, and seek those qualities out. Have a separate life via hobbies, reading, or whatever that brings you joy, and share that with someone, and voila that is how happiness works, and share with your partner the same things that make her happy too as in common interests.


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## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Personally, she is responsible for her own emotions. She has to be responsible for what makes her happy and content. You can't do that for her, and she should not put that responsibility on you. She sounds broken herself.
> 
> Did not read your other thread, but if you have issues, work on them. Become a healthy individual for your next relationship. Learn what a healthy relationship entails, and learn about healthy communication. Find out what makes you happy, and seek those qualities out. Have a separate life via hobbies, reading, or whatever that brings you joy, and share that with someone, and voila that is how happiness works, and share with your partner the same things that make her happy too as in common interests.


I am most defiantly not a healthy individual right now. It has caused me so much bitterness and vindictiveness. I just get mad around her. When it comes to what a healthy relationship is, I guess I only know what not to do. That's fine however. I'm starting to get an idea of who I am without all the titles.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you want to know what a healthy relationship looks like, get the book "His Needs, Her Needs"

Sadly your wife probably doing what a lot of people do.. blame the one closed to them. It's a lot easier than blaming one's self.

Will she consider going to counseling? She needs to be able to articulate what it is she needs to be happy. How can she achieve happiness until then?


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## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> If you want to know what a healthy relationship looks like, get the book "His Needs, Her Needs"
> 
> Sadly your wife probably doing what a lot of people do.. blame the one closed to them. It's a lot easier than blaming one's self.
> 
> Will she consider going to counseling? She needs to be able to articulate what it is she needs to be happy. How can she achieve happiness until then?


I'll read it, for sure. The blame she does take is minimal at best. It's usually realization with excuses. For example: She never helps get the kids ready in the morning, never really has. She admits she doesn't, but thinks it's ok if she states she's "Not a morning person". As far as counseling goes, it has turned from marriage counseling into post-marital-communication counseling. It's not a successful marriage if you're ALWAYS in counseling. 

She want to be happy on her own, but thinks she can cut me out of the kids lives.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I was listening to a talk show and this women sabatoged her great marriage every step of the way. in her mind she didn't diserve good things.

So when things were good she wasn't happy, but when they were bad she was able and cope cuz that was the norm. After all she believed she wasn't worth it and desreved bad things.

It was her dad that was phucking with her and she spent her formative years getting messed with by the one person that should have protected her and help her grow in a healthy way.

This interview rang true to your 1st post on how this women screwed up her good marriage..... at the end of the day it was her past.

Some folks learn to except bad crap in there life (at a young age) and when it's not there they find a way to make it bad.

I guess even as an adult they still thinks it was all their fault.

She is a crappy person she knows that.....her dad taught her that.

Now you got an old lady that excepts this fact and won't do sh!t to fix it...hell she won't even face the crap that was done to her as a little girl.

Sorry dude, you picked one that is broken.


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## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

the guy said:


> I was listening to a talk show and this women sabatoged her great marriage every step of the way. in her mind she didn't diserve good things.
> 
> So when things were good she wasn't happy, but when they were bad she was able and cope cuz that was the norm. After all she believed she wasn't worth it and desreved bad things.
> 
> ...


Right on the money, I have actually talked about how she sabotages herself. Her ideas like;her mother was never around, and would buy her things when she was, so as far as she is concerned, when you get someone a gift you're just making up for SOMETHING. I've said for years she doesn't know how to be happy. 

Nothing she does makes sense. She wants a divorce, but any move I make towards that just "makes me bitter and vindictive." I told her I wanted to split the bank account. She goes into this lecture about how it's going to make things;"How will I pay bill?" "If I don't have food for lunch, how will I eat?" "How will I pay for xmas presents?" I said "WHAT?! This is what you wanted! It isn't all you, and this is how it's going to be. I refuse to share a bank account with my ex-wife, are you kidding me?" She wants to continue living together, sharing money and everything. She says "it not as weird as you think it is." AAAHHHHHH!?!?!?

I'm just holding for my taxes to hire an attorney.


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## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

HOWEVER! On a lighter note...the funny part! I don't know what happened, what changed, but as soon as it was agreed that this was going to happen, I have never been flirted with or hit on more in my life. I've been hit on by girls at least a few time a week, at work, at the store, by old female friends - some I haven't talked to in years. 

it.is.hilarious.


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