# Can't do anything right!



## plymouth71 (May 10, 2010)

Getting very frustrated with my husband and myself. We've been married 7 months now and our sex life is in trouble. After the first couple months of marriage, H complained of a lack of sex. He was right - I had been going to sleep early and generally ignoring his needs. So I made up my mind to be more available and only say no if I was really sick or in pain. For the last couple months, we've had sex on avarage 4 times a day, twice when wake up, twice before sleep. This morning he awakes with a new complaint - it's not spontaneous enough! On top of that, I (reportedly) do not orgasm as easily as other women, and my lack of orgasms is making him feel like he's bad at sex. I have told him repeatedly, to no avail, that I really enjoy sex with him regardless of my lack of orgasms. He is quick to blame my orgasmic failure on my past behavior, or possibly that I am 'unwilling.'

When he left for work, I wanted to slit my wrists. I hate feeling like a failure no matter what I do. Therapy is not an option. I pray a lot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

so he is getting sex 4 times a day and alot of us men on here might get that in 3 months? no sympathy for him here


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## plymouth71 (May 10, 2010)

I'm not asking for sympathy for him, I'm wondering if anyone has ideas for how I can be more spontaneous, and any advice from other women on orgasms would be helpful. How can I show my husband how much I love him if he's so unhappy with everything I'm already doing?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Holy crap, 4x a day??? It almost sounds like the guy may have some kind of sex addiction. I'm no doctor, but that sounds really strange to me.


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## plymouth71 (May 10, 2010)

He has an almost mystical outlook on sex. He says healthy happy people should want to share this profound pleasure with each other as often as possible, and there's something wrong with me (paraphrasing here) for having a lower sex drive. Often blames my past admittedly loose behavior (before we were married) for making me frigid in bed.

Sometimes I think he wants all of this sex because all his married friends told him getting married would kill our sex life. Its like he's trying to prove them wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pulse (Mar 24, 2010)

Plymouth - Please DO NOT feel a failure when all you have done is try really hard to accommodate and please your husband. Some people are just plain negative and enjoy nothing better than complaining! For your sake, I hope he is not the type to be dissatisfied no matter what. 



plymouth71 said:


> This morning he awakes with a new complaint - it's not spontaneous enough! On top of that, I (reportedly) do not orgasm as easily as other women, and my lack of orgasms is making him feel like he's bad at sex. I have told him repeatedly, to no avail, that I really enjoy sex with him regardless of my lack of orgasms. He is quick to blame my orgasmic failure on my past behavior, or possibly that I am 'unwilling.'
> 
> When he left for work, I wanted to slit my wrists. I hate feeling like a failure no matter what I do. Therapy is not an option. I pray a lot.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How is your relationship other than the sex (e.g. does he show appreciation for anything that you do at all). 

Also do you feel able to convey to him how awful his comments on your "orgasmic failure" made you feel. If you let him know how hurt you feel and it has no affect and you just get more of the same type of comment from him, then I would say there are issues other than sex that need "fixing" first.

Incidentally, I think 4 times daily would leave me quite "saddle sore" which is not at all condusive to having an orgasm.


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## plymouth71 (May 10, 2010)

Thanks for the supportive messages everyone! Try to address all questions here ...

In the rest of our relationship, he's very supportive, overall. He works and I stay home, this is actually what I've always wanted. He never complains about the food I make, he always takes out the trash, doesn't go out till 3 am and come home drunk, etc. He doesn't notice everything, but I don't expect him to - for example, when I clean. He used to be in a band and toured for a while, so as long as the carpet hasn't grown sentient life forms, he's happy (lol).

As far as what I want - I love his sex drive, it makes me feel attractive and wanted, but let's be honest, 4 times a day is exhausting. I would like once or twice a day, ideally. I have some weird fetishes that I finally opened up to him about, and while we don't incorporate them every time, he makes an effort to meet me halfway, which is really wonderful and sweet of him.

As far as his technique, there's nothing wrong with it! I just have a harder time reaching climax, apparently. I had a lover several years ago tell me that my clitoris was positioned further back or forward or in or out, or something - point is, I may just be set up a little differently. I can only get off if we use cowgirl position, with his legs over the edge of the bed - actually, it's the exact position having sex in a truck will give you, and it's the only thing that works for me.

Last but not least, yes, I try to tell him how much it hurts me when he tells me some of these hurtful things, and he usually responds, Yeah, now you know how I feel. I think he feels it's ok to hurt my feelings if I hurt his feelings already.


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## pulse (Mar 24, 2010)

It's good to hear that the rest of your relationship is reasonably okay which should mean that you'll be in a stronger position to overcome the sex issues.

Would he agree that "tit for tat" hurting each others feelings will get you nowhere - two wrongs don't make a right!



plymouth71 said:


> Last but not least, yes, I try to tell him how much it hurts me when he tells me some of these hurtful things, and he usually responds, Yeah, now you know how I feel. I think he feels it's ok to hurt my feelings if I hurt his feelings already.


If your sexual past is a problem for him then resentment or jealousy could be driving him to want punish/hurt/blame you for any and everything (real or imagined) as far as your sex live together is concerned. However, we all have to accept that we cannot change the past. Like it or not we have to come to terms with it and accept it to move on positively.


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## plymouth71 (May 10, 2010)

I just wish there was more I could do about this besides pray and whine on the internet. I did offer an apology a little while ago. I told him I knew I relied very heavily on scheduling and list making but I wanted to be more spontaneous, then I apologized for scheduling the fun out of our lives. He stared through me and it was really uncomfortable so after a minute or so of waiting for him to acknowledge that I had spoken, I just said, "Thank you for listening" and went back to the porch to read a book.


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## plymouth71 (May 10, 2010)

In response to Delly - my H almost always refers to sex as "making love." I would say that he initiates 50% to 60% of our sex, and half of the time will ask - "Will you make love to me?" and the other half ask "May I make love to you?"

And Star - yes, I know alarm bells are ringing. But my parents got divorced when I was 11 and I have been bound and determined ever since then to not repeat their mistakes. Our marriage is only 7 months old, it's too soon to say it can't be fixed. What I want most out of life is to be a good wife, and someday, a good mother, and to make my husband happy and proud.

I'm working through the book "The Power of a Praying Wife," and "The Surrendered Wife." Both have been good resources. And so has this forum!


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## 143bdr (Jun 1, 2010)

Plymouth i would indeed say your H is a very lucky guy. 4 times a day is more than I can handle for sure and most guys here don't get that in a month. If he wants you to be more spontaneous and it makes you happy, then go for it. When he comes home from work be waiting at the door. In the end, you are very supportive for trying to make him happy...BUT it's what makes the BOTH of you happy which is the most important. God Bless


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## tattoomommy (Aug 14, 2009)

plymouth71 said:


> And Star - yes, I know alarm bells are ringing. But my parents got divorced when I was 11 and I have been bound and determined ever since then to not repeat their mistakes. Our marriage is only 7 months old, it's too soon to say it can't be fixed. What I want most out of life is to be a good wife, and someday, a good mother, and to make my husband happy and proud.
> 
> I'm working through the book "The Power of a Praying Wife," and "The Surrendered Wife." Both have been good resources. And so has this forum!


First off, you are amazing. You saw a problem and are actively seeking a solution from multiple sources. You don't place the blame on just one of you, but level on you both -which from what I read, its like 90% him so kudos to you on playing fair when you have every right not to. 

He needs to put on a happy face and look at what he has:

FOUR TIMES A DAY. 

If my husband ever complained and he got it that much..I'd ensure blueballs daily 

For the orgasm issue:
Before I had my daughter, I would orgasm with intercourse and no clitoral stimulation, but it was RARE. Since her, I've had some issues with intercourse being painful. We have worked and worked with it and it has gotten better, but not near as enjoyable as it used to be. He gets me off orally every time, or near to that before intercourse so it only takes a bit of stimulation during sex to get off. His ego took a major dive when I wasn't EVER getting off with just intercourse. He has finally realized that my body has indeed changed and that means we need to adjust and relearn what works. I told him the same thing you told your husband, that even if I don't get off, I still thoroughly enjoy having sex with him. Didn't matter for a while, he was bummed. He's kind of accepted it now though. 

The fact is, for me and most of the women I know, having an orgasm is no simple feat in general. The added pressure of "needing" to have one in order to please him makes it harder. Sounds ridiculous doesn't it. 

Have you soloed yourself to one? I would do that often and figure out what it is that really gets you there and then show him. He might enjoy the lesson


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## plymouth71 (May 10, 2010)

Hi tattoomommy - thanks for the input. I used to "solo" when I lived alone but I don't really have the time now. My H has a weird outlook on "solo" activities. He's very resentful of having to take care of himself, hence 4 x a day, so I'm hesitant to demonstrate in front of him. The last thing I need is for him to cut off my hands!
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## IBelieveInScience (Jun 3, 2010)

Hi, not to pry too much, but what is his level of experience compared to yours? That could be related to his need for you to O in ways (and time frame) that he thinks are acceptable. Comparing you to other women in terms of the bedroom might have more to do with his insecurities than your inadequacy.

Be careful of someone who is willing to beat you up about intimate, sexual issues. Men who will hit you while your down like that are douch bags. He sounds really disrespectful and somewhat egotistical.

Keep your eyes open. This is not completly about you needing to "fix" yourself. Don't go too far down that road please.

Just an opinion


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## IBelieveInScience (Jun 3, 2010)

Also the no solo thing,......he has no say over what _you_ personally do with your own body. (unless you give it to him, which is a convesation that is not related to this one,......


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## plymouth71 (May 10, 2010)

Hi science - we've never sat down and actually talked numbers but I think I've been with about twice as many people as he has. Of course, a couple of my "body count" were rapes, which I've explained to him before.

I'm afraid you're right with the insecurity comment. The sad part in all this is that he really is the best I've ever had, and was the first person I figured out how to climax during sex with, but he's unconvincable!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## questions (May 7, 2010)

Hi,

I feel funny about sending you these links, but I found these while searching to meet my own needs to reach orgasm during sex . I have been married for 8 years, and our sex life was never that great until after I found these links. I had reached an orgasm maybe once or twice during the entire time we were together, and we basically stopped having sex after the arrival of our DD.. 

Lo and behold, I now have multiple orgasms during sex, and we have sex almost daily now. Plus, I purchased some toys for the first time, and it actually increases my sexual desire with my H. The first link really worked well for me, and I now join the rank of women reaching multiple orgasm from having none during sex. The first link worked the wonders for me. I hope that it helps you. Good luck! 

Best Sex Position Ever
Secrets of Much More Satisfying Sexuality -- How to Have Great Sex Every Time


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