# Why do I still think about it 10 years later..



## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

So here we are 10 years later and I still trip up sometimes thinking about me and my husbands past. 

I am seeing a therapist come Monday cause I don’t think it’s ok to have these thoughts like I do. So story line is my husband kissed my then friend twice, the first kiss she did when she seen her husband walk away at a party that he cheated on her with. So I get why she did that to shorten that story her husband has cheated on her a bit so I see why her head is messed up, but anyways my husband gives me two conflicting stories, well sort of so he after that kids was pulled into the same boat a lot of people would have, wondering how he could have done that.. did he like her? If he can do that does he love me? And so on.. so he decided he was going to kiss her again to see if they had anything and if basically he loved me. So he asked her if she had feelings and she said no. He said how do you know, and she told him she loved her husband and me and he said well I think we should kiss again so they did. In a way I see that thought process. But when this was all said and done and I found out he tells me he never had feelings for her then on the other hand he says she made him feel wanted and gave him attention and thought she liked him. So when I ask him did you cause you liked her it’s always a no.. but in my head that makes no sense.. I think this is why I can’t move on.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

DWBH,

Because kissing is the most intimate of acts, even more so than sex itself. It's the place where love and sex meet in perfect balance.

Kissing is never "only kissing", in fact in dead marriages a frequent complaint is that while they still have sex there is no kissing or passionless kissing.

The other issue is that you know instinctively that your H is still lying to you. He is minimizing what happened and omitting details.

You get a different story every time because lies are harder to remember than the truth.

Did he offer to take a polygraph.

Tamat


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

You get a different story every time because lies are harder to remember than the truth.

Did he offer to take a polygraph.

Tamat[/QUOTE]



Ya I do feel that I have a couple different, but the same responses, but speaking differently. like he had admitted he did it to see if he had feelings and so on.. 

but no I don’t want to do a test honestly I know they didn’t have sex and that this wasn’t fling like Romance I just really want it all out of my head it makes me feel crazy and is destroying my marriage.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Have you spoken with the OWH? or the OW?

Have you gotten her out of you and your Hs lives or do you still have contact? If not you will remain triggered every time some contact is made or suspected.

Tamat


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

I am sorry you are going through this. I would never trivialize what has happened to you. Any type of infidelity can have long lasting consequences. I agree with Tamat that kissing can feel more personal than sex in some ways. So its never well it was "only" kissing.

I think IC is an excellent idea because this trauma has stayed with you for a decade and there are still unanswered questions or answers without clarity. Please ask the therapist if your thoughts could be a part of a relationship type of OCD. I experienced this after catching H is lies surrounding another woman. I never could prove it but am certain he had an EA/PA. It consumed my thoughts and time to a point where it was unhealthy. I went on medication for 6 months. It helped subdue the process and allowed me to move on ..


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Because what he did sucks, and you deserve better. Both your husband and your friend suck and they did what they did with little regard to how it would make you feel. Because you KNOW this. Because someone who is not honest and has poor boundaries is a big risk, and you husband seems to be that. Everything you feel is rational and normal. If you felt differently I would say you were being irrational and something is wrong. You can go to a therapist that will help you suppress rational feelings but that doesn't mean they are helping you. The only people who are wrong here is your friend and your husband. You deserve better, everyone does. ****ty people make ****ty partners. 

Have you kissed his friends and told him conflicting stories?


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

So funny thing I tried to make amends and we tried hanging out in large groups cause we have so many mutual friends. WORST idea of my life made me worse and took me 30 steps back.




TAMAT said:


> Have you spoken with the OWH? or the OW?
> 
> Have you gotten her out of you and your Hs lives or do you still have contact? If not you will remain triggered every time some contact is made or suspected.
> 
> Tamat


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Ya basically everytime I bring it up I am being the terrible persons that needs to move on and focus on how great we are now. And I agree, but then a part of me is like DID YOU HAVE FEELINGS? Be honsrst with me, but he is sticking to the no I didn’t have feelings. So I am so lost. 


QUOTE=sokillme;19484873]Because what he did sucks, and you deserve better. Both your husband and your friend suck and they did what they did with little regard to how it would make you feel Because you KNOW this. Because someone who is not honest and has poor boundaries is a big risk, and you husband seems to have them. Everything you feel is rational and normal. If you felt differently I would say you were being irrational and something is wrong. The only one who is wrong here is your friend and your husband. You deserve better, everyone does. ****ty people make ****ty partners. 

Have you kissed his friends and told him conflicting stories?[/QUOTE]


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Years ago yes with basically the same answer so like I said I don’t think it was what my brain is trying to say it was. I spoke with them all even her husband.




TAMAT said:


> Have you spoken with the OWH? or the OW?
> 
> Have you gotten her out of you and your Hs lives or do you still have contact? If not you will remain triggered every time some contact is made or suspected.
> 
> Tamat


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

TAMAT said:


> Have you spoken with the OWH? or the OW?
> 
> Have you gotten her out of you and your Hs lives or do you still have contact? If not you will remain triggered every time some contact is made or suspected.
> 
> Tamat



I did I had many back then. And yes I finally kicked them out of my life. I am way better with her gone! I have stopped my Zoloft and feel good, but some bad days and flooding of old suppressed memories come on. That’s when I talk to him, but he gets so mad cause it’s been so long and he gets frustrated I am going back and not forward.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

NJ2 said:


> I am sorry you are going through this. I would never trivialize what has happened to you. Any type of infidelity can have long lasting consequences. I agree with Tamat that kissing can feel more personal than sex in some ways. So its never well it was "only" kissing.
> 
> 
> 
> I think IC is an excellent idea because this trauma has stayed with you for a decade and there are still unanswered questions or answers without clarity. Please ask the therapist if your thoughts could be a part of a relationship type of OCD. I experienced this after catching H is lies surrounding another woman. I never could prove it but am certain he had an EA/PA. It consumed my thoughts and time to a point where it was unhealthy. I went on medication for 6 months. It helped subdue the process and allowed me to move on ..



I am positive it’s OCD with my thoughts. It’s seriously hell I want to bash my head sometimes cause thoughts are so obtrusive! 

But ya it’s funny to me that the action doesn’t hurt as mush as if he really liked her. But I guess to we all could rationalize the behavior as oh that’s nice she likes me I haven’t felt like someone liked me for a minute.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

The reason this is STILL bothering you 7 years later is likely because your husband is a huge *LIAR* and you know deep down that you still don't know the real truth.

Are you REALLY surprised that both of their stories lined up with each other's? That's what cheaters do - get their stories straight so they both know what lies to tell you when you ask them. The two of them are liars and the chances are extremely high you STILL have no clue what they really got up to.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> The reason this is STILL bothering you 7 years later is likely because your husband is a huge *LIAR* and you know deep down that you still don't know the real truth.
> 
> Are you REALLY surprised that both of their stories lined up with each other's? That's what cheaters do - get their stories straight so they both know what lies to tell you when you ask them. The two of them are liars and the chances are extremely high you STILL have no clue what they really got up to.


I would agree with you, but I also had conversation with her husband so I know what it was and what happened. I just wonder if I can’t move forward cause I have a giant ego... 😔


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

First of all adultery especially with a friend is a deal breaker for most. 

Try these books. Have him read them.

How to help you partner heal from an affair 

Not just friends.

But most of all don't be down on yourself. You only get one life. Don't settle.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

sokillme said:


> First of all adultery especially with a friend is a deal breaker for most.
> 
> Try these books. Have him read them.
> 
> ...


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

The idea of treating the OCD thoughts is quite separate from what he did or didnt do and needs to be treated as its own issue. When the thoughts become so intrusive they are ruling your life you cant deal with the issue in a rationalized fashion. I too wanted to bash my head against the wall to stop it. I remember sitting there crying while my family was on vacation without me. I didnt go because the anxiety in my head overruled everything. It is a useless neverending search for something that is ultimately elusive. You cant prove it happened as they say it happened without a doubt and you cant prove it didnt happen as they say it did. 

Chances are if you look back on your life you have displayed OCD characteristics at other times. You may be an "all or nothing" person. You may have compulsive habits and routines, you may engage in magical thinking. There is a good website which describes this stuff. 

If you go to your dr and explain in very certain terms the depth these thoughts disturb you he should recognize it and give you an antidepressant that deals with OCD. I think its also an anti anxiety. 

When I went on the pills I was so elated the first time I was driving and realized I was having a thought that didnt relate to the A. 

It suddenly opened up some space in my brain. It didnt cure me- I still have those thoughts but they are less and I live a more balanced life for the most part. My IC said it is impossible to make any decision regarding the relationship when you are sick like that. Now that I am much better I am confident about staying with H. 

I will never know what actually happened. He will never tell me- through his own fears, insecurities and difficulty with being vulnerable. I live with the uncertainty. Sometimes its easier than others. I do know he lied and continues to lie re this situation. Since I also had an A many years ago I understand the pure horror of admitting it. I didnt for 25 years. 

I trust and verify - some days more than others. We are happy. We love each other. We understand what we have put each other through and choose to continue our life together. Its sometmes not easy but worth it for us.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

dontworrybehappy said:


> So here we are 10 years later and I still trip up sometimes thinking about me and my husbands past.
> 
> I am seeing a therapist come Monday cause I don’t think it’s ok to have these thoughts like I do. So story line is my husband kissed my then friend twice, the first kiss she did when she seen her husband walk away at a party that he cheated on her with. So I get why she did that to shorten that story her husband has cheated on her a bit so I see why her head is messed up, but anyways my husband gives me two conflicting stories, well sort of so he after that kids was pulled into the same boat a lot of people would have, wondering how he could have done that.. did he like her? If he can do that does he love me? And so on.. so he decided he was going to kiss her again to see if they had anything and if basically he loved me. So he asked her if she had feelings and she said no. He said how do you know, and she told him she loved her husband and me and he said well I think we should kiss again so they did. In a way I see that thought process. But when this was all said and done and I found out he tells me he never had feelings for her then on the other hand he says she made him feel wanted and gave him attention and thought she liked him. So when I ask him did you cause you liked her it’s always a no.. but in my head that makes no sense.. I think this is why I can’t move on.


OP, I tend to ask questions because I find that it can reveal a lot about a person, their motivations and the way they think about the world around them. Sometimes that can bring clarity as to why a certain thing is a problem for us vs other people, and give insight into the story that they've created in their relationship.

1. why is it so important to you whether he had feelings for this woman or not? 
2. What would it say about HIM if he had feelings for another woman? What would it say about YOU if he had feelings for another woman? 
3. What would it say about your relationship?
4. What would be your next question if he admitted that yes he did have feelings for the other woman?
5. What is it that attracted you to your husband?
6. Did his cheating cause you to question the things that attracted him to you?
7. What do you think your husband loves about you? 
8. Did you always worry that your husband may cheat on you? Leave you? Fall out of love with you?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

dontworrybehappy said:


> So here we are 10 years later and I still trip up sometimes thinking about me and my husbands past.
> 
> I am seeing a therapist come Monday cause I don’t think it’s ok to have these thoughts like I do. So story line is my husband kissed my then friend twice, the first kiss she did when she seen her husband walk away at a party that he cheated on her with. So I get why she did that to shorten that story her husband has cheated on her a bit so I see why her head is messed up, but anyways my husband gives me two conflicting stories, well sort of so he after that kids was pulled into the same boat a lot of people would have, wondering how he could have done that.. did he like her? If he can do that does he love me? And so on.. so he decided he was going to kiss her again to see if they had anything and if basically he loved me. So he asked her if she had feelings and she said no. He said how do you know, and she told him she loved her husband and me and he said well I think we should kiss again so they did. In a way I see that thought process. But when this was all said and done and I found out he tells me he never had feelings for her then on the other hand he says she made him feel wanted and gave him attention and thought she liked him. So when I ask him did you cause you liked her it’s always a no.. but in my head that makes no sense.. I think this is why I can’t move on.


*If you truly believe your old man's story about the kissing of this homewrecker as a test of love for you, then I'll sell you the Sidney Sherman-Houston Ship Channel Bridge for 50 cents!

Not only do you need to see your individual counselor(IC), on your way home from there, you need to be visiting with a good family attorney for some good legal advice!

It seems that he thinks that you may just recently fallen off of the turnip truck! *


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Wow this is kinda deep and hard to answer but great questions. 
1- I think it’s important cause my ego is saying it’s not ok for him to have developed a crush on someone even when the marriage at the time was ****. I think I have this thought that marriage and life is a fairytale and in love for always when that isn’t real life. 
2- it says that he was looking for validation and attention on a marriage of stress and fighting and to many things on our plate with two kids a mortgage and being 25. And for me I feel that makes me a failure not openly communicating and caring about the next party and not my marriage and children.
3- it says we are flawed we are not a fairytale that life and love has its mistakes and short comings and I have to move forward with him and not hold him so hard on what he did when we were young and lost. 
4- this is hard again do hear someone has feelings I guess feelings and love are two different things. I just have to say was it me was I not enough?
5- what attracted me to him was his appearance he was very good looking. And very sweet!
6- yes, very much so after he cheated I fell into a EA with a man at work for validation.. it made me question my love, so in a way I did the same thing that he did. 
7- my husband now is deeply In love with me it shows all the time it’s like amazing 😉 and I am killing that by bringing this up after years and years. He loves how I am always. What man puts up with his wife having also a EA and always questions and bringing up the past he had tried and held on to me trying to make things right for so long over this it’s love. 
8- no I know he would never cheat again when he seen how it crushed my being. And I think that my biggest fear is him along out of love with me. But I don’t think that was the issue I think he loved me but was confused and when she kissed him and got something that feeling that he was missing from me... 

These were great! One thing I know is these guys have all known each other for years and he never once was into her until then and he questioned our marriage. Honestly who wouldn’t if someone kissed you and you kissed back like why would o do that? Cause I like her? Or I am unhappy in my marriage?







Keke24 said:


> dontworrybehappy said:
> 
> 
> > So here we are 10 years later and I still trip up sometimes thinking about me and my husbands past.
> ...


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

You decided to stsy and forgive his transgression. Saying it and living it are two different things. Glad you are finally in therapy. It is not healthy to keep a grudge for this long. 

Is your friend still with her cheating spouse? If she is, let these obsessive thoughts go with the help of a professional. You sre creating your own hell with the notion of what you thought love and marriage were. You have a fsmily to tske care of. Is your husbsnd dedicated to you and the kids now? Is he underdtsnding snd loving towards you, or is he just going through the motions? These wuedtions are importsnt for you to reflect on so thst you csn determine whst to fo nect. These wuestions should have been answered 2 years after the infidelity. Too much time has been wasted on naiveness and obsessing!


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