# Struggling



## ukintheusa (Mar 7, 2016)

Hello, I'm new to the forum and needing advice, or maybe just to vent, I'm not sure what can help. I've been married for a year now, and the proud father of a 13yo stepdaughter (who I call my own) and a 5 week old son. My wife is a great mother, but sometimes I feel like she thinks I'm useles to her.

I work a full time job to support the four of us, it involves long hours and occasional evening and weekend attention, but that can be done remotely from home. My bosses have been incredibly flexible with me and allowed me to work from home as much as possible since the birth, but I do need to be in the office for the majority of the time. My wife does not work, and I feel like she thinks that when I'm at work I'm just sitting there taking an 8 hour break from the baby!

I just feel like I can't seem to do anything right at home. A prime example is this morning, I got up and left wife and baby sleeping, took my daughter to the bus stop, came back and started washing bottles and preparing them for the fridge so they'd be ready and waiting, switched over the laundry and got the baby bag ready for my wife to take him to the pediatrician later, all while getting ready to go to work 45 minutes later. Then all Hell breaks loose, unbeknownst to me, the baby woke up and woke my wife, and I was not there to watch him. I tried explaining everything I'd been doing but it wasn't good enough, my work bag was kicked at me and the bedroom door slammed in my face saying "thanks for nothing".

Now, this is not an every day thing, just a most day thing. I do the dishes and laundry, I get told off for not vacuuming and mopping the floors. I vacuum and mop, I get told I've not done a good enough job. I get home from 8 hours plus of work, I get told off because I'm not helping enough around the house. I don't wake up immediately when the baby cries at night and I hear "you just sleep, don't worry, I'll take care of everything" in the nastiest tone I can imagine.

I'm really trying, I know childbirth is hard and raising a child is hard, but I'm not sure how much more I can do to make her happy. I take my feeding shifts, and diaper shifts, I try to do as much around the house as I can, I do the grocery shopping, I try to hold down my job and put food on the table for the four of us, I'm trying to buy us a bigger house so we have more space. What else do I need to do?

Please, if anyone knows I need to hear it for the sake of my marriage. She's already mentioned in passing that she'll get a job so she can get her own place, I just put it down to one of her nasty phases, but it hurts.

I'm not making my wife out to be evil, when she's in a good mood she's like a ray of sunshine. I'm sure it's just me going wrong somewhere and not seeing it.

Thanks in advance.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I think at some point you will make her a good wife. If you're doing that much wth does she do as a SAHM?????

Smells like entitled princess and the doormat syndrome. 

Read up

http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrB..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=6Mqng4z9k7XaC.TzfnVj.Zz7G.I-


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Marc878 said:


> I think at some point you will make her a good wife. If you're doing that much wth does she do as a SAHM?????
> 
> Smells like entitled princess and the doormat syndrome.


Go ahead lock up this thread mods. Case closed.

OP - Grow a pair and tell your wife to stfu and do her job.

There's an epidemic of lazy, good for nothing, SAH spouses apparently.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

You definitely need to sit her down and set some boundaries.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

While I don't disagree on the general sentiment expressed above I will say this:

Don't necessarily judge her based on how she is acting 5 weeks after giving birth. Hormones and emotions can still be off kilter. I assume nobody is getting any sleep. Personally we found it harder during the 4-12 week old stage than the newborn stage.

If she is still acting unreasonable after several more weeks, then you may have a problem on your hands.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> While I don't disagree on the general sentiment expressed above I will say this:
> 
> *Don't necessarily judge her based on how she is acting 5 weeks after giving birth.* Hormones and emotions can still be off kilter. I assume nobody is getting any sleep. Personally we found it harder during the 4-12 week old stage than the newborn stage.
> 
> ...


No doubt it's still early in the game, and only time will tell.

The OP resonated very strongly with me because it was almost a retelling of what I went through with my ex wife, and I waited 17 years for things to change. They did change. For the worse.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Has she always been like this? How long have you been together? Did you always do most of the housework? Did she work before?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I think a lot depends on how she acted when they first got together and before she was pregnant and baby came along.

I think of the other recent thread with the hubby who works two jobs, three kids, two of which are at school and the other is 4. He works two jobs then comes home to do all the household chores as well.

Not where you want to end up, OP, but I'm hoping this recent behavior is more indicative of baby fatigue than her long-term actions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, it would be very helpful to know what she was like before she got pregnant.

Has she been evaluated for PPD?


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## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

My wife did the same after our son was born. It will get different but I agree and have a talk and set some boundaries now.

It will only get worse if you don't alpha up now.


What does your name mean? My STBXW is English.


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## ukintheusa (Mar 7, 2016)

Thanks for all the comments. Things got worse last night when I got home, she basically said she had no feelings for me anymore, she is cancelling the house purchase and considering filing for divorce. I'm at my wits end.

She was totally different before pregnancy, yes we had our ups and downs, but so many more ups, we hardly ever argued. I know deep down there's some PPD there, but if I suggest that I'm "blaming her" for our problems, which I'm truly not doing, I just want to help. Unfortunately I have nobody to turn to, my family lives in another country, her family is not around for us, so we're literally all we have for each other.

I suggested counseling, that didn't go down well at all.

I still love her, despite the nastiness, I'm trying to stay positive and convince myself it's all hormonal so I don't end up resenting her. 3 more weeks and we'd be in our dream home and I was hoping things would change, but that may be just false hope.

I was hoping I could ride it out and the "baby blues" may subside, but I'm not sure if we even have time for that anymore.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

hmmm... that's quite drastic. 

Was she like this before pregnancy?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Were you involved with her OB/GYN during the pregnancy? If so, can you call him/her and tell them what's going on with her and ask if they can help?

If not, I suggest you call her mom or dad and tell them what's happened and ask them to help talk to her about getting to the doctor to be tested; tell them that she's not acting normally and you're worried about her. Or a sister or brother, if she listens to them more.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

turnera said:


> Were you involved with her OB/GYN during the pregnancy? If so, can you call him/her and tell them what's going on with her and ask if they can help?
> 
> If not, I suggest you call her mom or dad and tell them what's happened and ask them to help talk to her about getting to the doctor to be tested; tell them that she's not acting normally and you're worried about her. Or a sister or brother, if she listens to them more.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

If you can't do that get in to see a counselor yourself and ask them for suggestions. Or call a help line or something. When is her next dr appt?


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

It can take months sometimes a year or two for PPD to go away. Pregnancy has a MASSIVE effect on the body and believe me, PPD can make you feel like an entirely different person! It really sounds like this is what is going on with her. At one stage when I had it, all I wanted to do was pack a bag and vanish I didn't even care where to as long as it was away from everyone including the baby. 
I am so sorry you are going through this, its very hard for the supporting partner to be there during these dark times. I would do as past posters have mentioned, reach out for some help fro family and friends if she isn't prepared to talk to a professional yet. Maybe they can convince her it in all of your best interests


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

ukintheusa said:


> Things got worse last night when I got home, she basically said she had no feelings for me anymore, she is cancelling the house purchase and considering filing for divorce. I'm at my wits end.


Quick story...

About 6 months after my POS exwife had our first son she behaved VERY similar yours. Told me she had no love for me, b!tched and moan about performing the most basic tasks around the house, acted like an entitled princess, nothing I did was good enough, and basically detached. I blamed myself because she convinced me I wasn't "supporting" her enough. I begged and pleaded to work things out. I also blamed PPD. Why else would she be acting so different?!? It seemed to make sense at the time.

Come to find out she was sending sexually explicit messages to an exboyfriend on Myspace. She may or may not have fvcked him too, she'd never admit to it. I took her back and she burned me worse later on. I was a fool. Your wife has no respect or attraction for you. So she made you her doormat. So who DOES she respect? True story bro and food for thought.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Check your phone bill


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

There is no evidence that she is cheating. Sorry, don't see her detaching so quickly at this particular moment with a five week old baby at home due to cheating. She needs counseling ASAP.

If I'm wrong, well, wouldn't be the first time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Could be an emotional affair or worse possibly staying in contact with the real baby's daddy.

OP Walmart sells DNA test kits on the cheap. $100 is worth the peace of mind and it's discreet.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Do not beg and plead to stay married to her!

She wants a divorce. Tell her you are a ok with it.

Always give defiant people what they want


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I think it's a mistake to jump to "she's cheating" at this stage in light of other circumstances. 

I've been wrong before. Time will tell. Maybe when we get our daily update we will hear more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I think it's a mistake to jump to "she's cheating" at this stage in light of other circumstances.
> 
> I've been wrong before. Time will tell. Maybe when we get our daily update we will hear more.


No one her knows for certain except for her. He can "rule it out" in the mean time. It's certainly a possibility.


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