# Wrong to ask your spouse to change??



## alalove74 (Sep 14, 2012)

Is it wrong to ask your SO to change a behavior that is causing problems in your marriage?*

For example, my husband's way of dealing with anything in our relationship that he doesn't like is to ignore it, give me the silent treatment, withhold love and affection and withhold sex. Not just one of those... ALL of them simultaneously. For days, weeks at a time. After 6 years of this I am emotionally dead inside. I have tried to talk to him about how much this behavior hurts me - hurts US! His response is to blame*me, then he says he shouldn't have to change himself for me.*

I am at a loss. Do I have the right to expect him to change for me? For us? Am I really asking too much? I can't function like this anymore!*


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

A boundary is deciding what YOU are willing to live with/without. So, no, you can't change him. But, yes, you can decide that this behavior is a dealbreaker for you (it breaks some of the marriage vows IMO).


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

He's"stone walling"...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

No, you do not have the right to expect him to change. But you DO have the right to tell him that you refuse to live in such a relationship any more.

My husband was similar, and I wish to he!! I had told him I wouldn't accept it. What I did was just ignore it and pretend it wasn't there and that it would go away on it's own. What ended up happening was nothing got solved, I buried my head in the sand, and he cheated.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

THE_FOUR_HORSEMEN


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

I don't think it is wrong to ask them to change, but it sure is dangerous.


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## alalove74 (Sep 14, 2012)

Would this be a deal breaker for most people? 

He is so stubborn that it won't matter if he's wrong, he would rather walk away from me and our marriage verses trying to work on changing his ways. He makes me feel guilty for even wanting things to be different. I should just be happy with what I get. But I hate being treated this way! 

I'm sorry, I'm a mess at the moment. I know what's in store for me now that I've voiced my feelings to him. I don't know which is worse - suffering silently in my heart, or standing up to him and dealing with his punishments.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

That sounds emotionally abusive to me. Now that I know better, you're damned right it would be a dealbreaker for me.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I think we have every right to ask someone to change. But they have every right to refuse your request.

Having said that, in my marriage we have both changed in so many ways, just to communicate better and to make each other happier. To do this, we both had to pretty much get over the need to "be right" and instead, embrace the path to "be happy". We are individually happier now, so it definitely worked.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

alalove74 said:


> it won't matter if he's wrong, he would rather walk away from me and our marriage verses trying to work on changing his ways.


He'd rather be right. Being right is above anything else to him, including you and his marriage. Life is too short to live in an emotional he!!. And I'd say that's what you've got.

Would this be a deal-breaker for me? Yeah, in a New York minute!


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

No, definitely not wrong to ask them to change. But what if he refuses to?

Someone can elicit lasting change if they want to, are open to it.

With that said, you would be better off telling him you're not going to deal with it anymore. That if he continues this behavior, you have no qualms about leaving him. You've tried numerous times to talk to him and he's not listening. Remember, actions speak louder than words. 

I wish I had taken action earlier, too. My ex was a fan of the silent treatment. Anything that I did wrong by him, he wouldn't talk to me for days and would get on the computer, put his headphones on, and drown me out. It was he!! and I was relieved when I broke up with him...that I never had to deal with that again.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Your H is exhibiting some classic signs of emotional abuse. The silent treatment, withholding love, affection and sex. He knows what he's doing and he knows that it's hurting you, and he does it maintain control.

If he refuses to change, you have to decide if you're prepared to go on living in such an unhealthy environment.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You can ask sure but the responsibility for how you are treated lies with you.

Personally I think what he's doing is abusive and yes it would be a deal breaker for me. I couldn't live being punished like that. I'm a grown up and I expect to be treated like one.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

You CAN ask a spouse/SO to change. You can't DEMAND it.

They can DECIDE to change, or not.

That being said, you KNOW he will not change. You KNOW he doesn't love you in the right way, doesn't care about you, doesn't find you important, doesn't cherish you.

Why would you want to be in a relationship with this man when EVERYTHING about it is so wrong for you?

Do you fear being alone? You won't be! You will still have family and friends. After you've healed (and, believe me, YOU WILL NEED some Individual Counseling), you may find a man who WILL love you in the right way, care about you, think you're important and cherish you.

You'll never find a 'better life' sitting in your house wishing/hoping/dreaming for your H to change. That is wishing your life away. Get out THIS WEEK and make an appointment with a divorce attorney. Find out what your legal rights are and what you can expect in the divorce. THAT knowledge will help you move forward into a new and better life.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

alalove74 said:


> He is so stubborn that it won't matter if he's wrong, he would rather walk away from me and our marriage verses trying to work on changing his ways.


Then let him. If that's how he feels, you already have your answer. 

I've lived in a marriage very much like yours for 19 years. I've at least gotten my H to agree (albeit reluctantly) to go to counseling with me. 1st session is tomorrow. Like you, I don't feel safe expressing my feelings to my H. Too many years of being shut down, belittled, criticized for my feelings. In the presence of a counselor, I plan to exercise my right to speak up for myself. I can't change his behavior. I can't "force" him to see reason. That's up to him to decide if he insists on "his way" or if I should take the "highway".


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## alalove74 (Sep 14, 2012)

@galian I agree, actions DO speak louder than words!

He makes me feel like I'm going crazy. He treats me this way over and over, I call him out on it and he turns the tables on me making it my fault. Then he will be really sweet and loving for a few days, maybe a week until something triggers his anger and next thing I know I'm right back in the thick of it. He does not communicate what's upset him, but expects me to be so happy and loving and affectionate when he's over his anger. He doesn't understand why I find it difficult to snuggle up to him after this kind of treatment. When he's over it, or when he finally lets me in enough to talk about things he will go on and on about how much he loves me, how beautiful I am, how happy he is that I'm his wife and I'm like...? Who are you?! You haven't spoken to me for two weeks, haven't touched me in any way and we haven't had sex in over a month?? 

I've tried being patient, giving him space, apologizing, humor, cried many tears and lost my temper a few times. It's just getting worse. I've suggested counseling. He goes along with the idea until it comes time to make the appointment and then he changes his mind saying it's too expensive. I've read a ton of books, trying to find ways that I can change myself, ways to understand and deal with this. He gets upset when he sees me reading these marriage self help books, saying that we should be able to figure out our problems on our own. I feel like I've been backed into a corner! 

Slowlygettingwiser thank you for your post. My eyes are starting to open and I cannot see myself enduring in a relationship where not only do my needs go unmet, but I am punished for requesting that they be. I am so broken right now.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

It will get better, alalove74. 

You have to know that you are 'right' in what you seek. You are right!

You may be numb now, but your feelings will re-emerge. Physically separating from him will help you. As soon as you no longer share physical living quarters, you WILL begin to feel happier. You'll also begin an emotional roller-coaster as you sort out how you feel about him, yourself, your past, your present, your future. Don't worry, you'll work it out...a step at a time.
You will survive this and come out fine.

Keep coming to TAM for good advice, a shoulder to cry on, people who understand (been there, done that), or just to vent.

People here at TAM are the BEST! They really do CARE! They see your worth when you don't. They give you strength when you have no more. They believe in you when you're ready to give up. They hold you up UNTIL you're ready to walk on your own. And you WILL walk on your own...then you'll use your experience to help hold SOMEONE else up.

*hugs*


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## alalove74 (Sep 14, 2012)

And so it begins... Husband comes home from work 3 1/2 hours later than usual. Responds to my text asking when he will be home by saying he needed time to think. Ok, I understand. Finally comes home and I ask him if he wants to talk. He says sure and 20 seconds later proceeds to walk right out of the room. Has now secured himself away for the rest of the evening in his office. 

Any suggestions?


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Did he lock himself in? Baracade the door? Gently knock on the door and go in. It's your fricking house too. Don't let him run away from you. Close the door behind you and calmly ask to speak with him again.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Message to all walk-aways/potential walk-aways (yes, I'm talking to you OP):

Your abusive husband does not need to be told what he is doing wrong. He KNOWS IT! He just hasn't seen any negative consequences for his actions. Show him what happens if he doesn't change.

Simple 2 step program:

1 - CLEARLY DEFINE what it is he is doing wrong. Spell it out to him. In writing. Jut to leave NO DOUBT.

2 - Next time he does it (when, not if), you show him the divorce papers you've drawn up. Or pack a bag and leave and tell him papers are following. 

That will wake him up. I'm sorry to say nothing else will. You've talked about it already, right? Hasn't changed him, right?

Kick him in the gut (metaphorically, of course). I knew what I was doing wrong in my marriage, but there were no negative consequences. Then I found out my wife didn't love me any more because of it. Did I change? IMMEDIATELY. Right on the spot (there was NO WAY I was EVER going to do the things that caused my life to get ripped apart). But it was too late. 

You have to destroy his world to fix him. Do it before it's too late. If it isn't already.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

alalove74 said:


> Is it wrong to ask your SO to change a behavior that is causing problems in your marriage?*
> 
> For example, my husband's way of dealing with anything in our relationship that he doesn't like is to ignore it, give me the silent treatment, withhold love and affection and withhold sex. Not just one of those... ALL of them simultaneously. For days, weeks at a time. After 6 years of this I am emotionally dead inside. I have tried to talk to him about how much this behavior hurts me - hurts US! His response is to blame*me, then he says he shouldn't have to change himself for me.*
> 
> I am at a loss. Do I have the right to expect him to change for me? For us? Am I really asking too much? I can't function like this anymore!*


You need to 1st decide how long you are willing to put up with this behavior...YOU have choices...this is your life too.

You may have enabled his behavior in the past some , by allowing him to get away with it...but you can turn this around. If you don't....you will just build an ever higher wall of resentment towards him....what will this serve, but a Grand Canyon between you both.... 

THIS IS NO WAY TO LIVE.. 

Without a working compromise on where you butt heads...you have nothing with this man -if he refuses to engage in communication ...all that is left is....2 miserable Roommates, not a fulfilling union. 









The Boomerang Relationship: Passivity, Irresponsibility and Resulting Partner Anger 









Steps to healthy Marital Communication >>  PLANTING THE SEED OF INTERDEPENDENCE

Some books that might help you wade through this >>

Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man: Coping with Hidden Aggression - From the Bedroom to the Boardroom: 

The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A Blueprint for Healing:


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

alalove74;1386594
He is so stubborn that it won't matter if he's wrong said:


> Asking for something should not be a problem. Calling him stubborn, predicting negative future behaviors, judging his internal motivation and claiming he can make you feel this or that is all over and above simple asking and not likely to get any good results.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

My x SO did this and it was miserable. It is used as a way to control a relationship. It's horribly mean. I lived with it for quite a while and begged and pleaded for him to talk to me, fix things etc. he refused to see his behavior as his own fault. When I finally made boundaries and stuck to them, he walked. he was not interested in a relationship with someone that couldn't be controlled or manipulated. It is sad because the solution seems so simple but just out of reach. All you can do is set up boundaries and stick with them. He will either choose to make changes or not. I will say that I am currently with the most amazing caring, communicative man I have ever met. Not all men are like this and you deserve better. Hugs my friend. Check out www.baggagereclaim.co.uk.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I'm so sorry - your husband is emotionally abusive & you are co-dependent on him. His every mood, word, behavior & action dictate how you feel. You can try reading "Co-Dependent No More."

If you don't have children & are financially able to take care of yourself, create an exit plan now. You don't have to implement it right away but may feel better knowing you don't have to suffer for eternity.

Suggest marriage counseling. If he refuses, go alone (I did). The book I suggested will help you set up boundaries.

As MrK suggests - talk to him no matter how much you are afraid to. If he gets physically violent, call 911.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Within relationships we all from time to time do things that annoy / anger our partners. Different people have different ways of dealing with the any hurt that is caused to them.

I am a "say / do something now" person and my wife is a "file it away then drag everything out in one go" person. I know that neither approach is always right but we have learned over the years to make allowances for each other.

I do not ask you to excuse your husband for shutting you out when he is upset but you may have to realise that that is just his way of dealing with pain / conflict. (there are many worse ways violence, adiction). You say that when he is feeling better he wants you to be affectionate you may find that this is a better time to have the talk about the causes of his behaviour than when he is upset.

If you can both have that meaningfull and heartfelt conversation then you can both be happy.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

He's abusing you. 
You need to take the power back. File for divorce, start moving on with your life and tell him you are not sure you see any future with him. To even discuss it he would need ic and you would need MC and to see long term effort and sustained change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

MrK said:


> Message to all walk-aways/potential walk-aways (yes, I'm talking to you OP):
> 
> Your abusive husband does not need to be told what he is doing wrong. He KNOWS IT! He just hasn't seen any negative consequences for his actions. Show him what happens if he doesn't change.
> 
> ...


MrK, why did you act the way you did toward your wife if you knew it was wrong?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

pink_lady said:


> MrK, why did you act the way you did toward your wife if you knew it was wrong?


Bad temper is easy to explain. I couldn't control it. It's funny though. Once it hit me that it was part of the reason she left me, it fixed itself. There was no situation that could be so bad that I would partake in behavior that killed my marriage. I didn't even have to work at it. It's like my DNA changed instantly. Funny what good hard kick in the gut will do. I thank god to this that day my kids stuck with me.

The hurtful comments I can't explain. Of all of the hell I'm going through right now, the only thing that brings a tear to my eye is writing about that. How could I do that to someone I love? Was it a power thing or just something as sick as a warped sens of humor? I don't know. But I knew it was wrong and I didn't stop until it was too late.

I not only ruined my life but I ruined hers. She didn't deserve that. And it's forever.


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

I was married to a man like this for 7 years, together 12. Unless he can acknowledge his issues and wants to do something about it nothing will change. It will get worse. The silent treatment will last longer and longer and will happen more and more frequently. Its no way to live.

I tried the same things you did. I read the books, tried to approach him in different ways, asked for counseling. He wasnt interested. He didnt see any issues that needed to be worked on.

It is emotionally abusive and controlloing. My thoughts, feelings were continually invalidated, crtisized and belittled. It came to a point where I wouldnt bother to discuss anything that was important to me or bring up any issue that would set him off and thats just how he liked it!!! 

When I finally left I felt nothing for him. Nothing!! Not pain, not love or anger, just nothing. After being together 12 years I didnt miss him not even for a second. I felt so free and happy. No more walking on eggshells, no more second guessing about saying or doing the wrong thing. Sounds cold and i am not a cold person. I just felt free and happy. It was a relief.

I dont regret my time with him because I have 2 beautiful boys and I learned a lot about what I want and dont want in a man and in a relationship. I always say , he taught me well. My only regret is that I stayed soooo long. Til this day I am embarrassed that I stayed with a man like this for so long.


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## step_raising (Feb 14, 2012)

There's always two sides to every story... maybe he was just in a bad spot, struggling to keep up with all the demands placed on his shoulders and walking away might make more sense to him than fighting.

Just give his some time... keep being the loving, caring wife that you are. I'm sure that he's a great man... if he's anything like me, he's sacrificed or sat aside a lot of his dreams for you and the kids - more than you realize.

Don't give up! Get naked and jump into his arms - try out those new toys with him... you'll see it will work! :iagree:


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

step_raising said:


> There's always two sides to every story... maybe he was just in a bad spot, struggling to keep up with all the demands placed on his shoulders and walking away might make more sense to him than fighting.
> 
> Just give his some time... keep being the loving, caring wife that you are. I'm sure that he's a great man... if he's anything like me, he's sacrificed or sat aside a lot of his dreams for you and the kids - more than you realize.
> 
> Don't give up! Get naked and jump into his arms - try out those new toys with him... you'll see it will work! :iagree:


I hope you are right, that he is like you and with love and patience he will turn things around and it will work out for them.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

step_raising said:


> Don't give up! Get naked and jump into his arms - try out those new toys with him... you'll see it will work!


Great idea. Time to let him know you are HAPPY with his behavior.

Kick him in the gut. Crash his world. It's the only way.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

alalove74 said:


> Is it wrong to ask your SO to change a behavior that is causing problems in your marriage?*
> 
> For example, my husband's way of dealing with anything in our relationship that he doesn't like is to ignore it, give me the silent treatment, withhold love and affection and withhold sex. Not just one of those... ALL of them simultaneously. For days, weeks at a time. After 6 years of this I am emotionally dead inside. I have tried to talk to him about how much this behavior hurts me - hurts US! His response is to blame*me, then he says he shouldn't have to change himself for me.*
> 
> I am at a loss. Do I have the right to expect him to change for me? For us? Am I really asking too much? I can't function like this anymore!*


I don't think it's wrong to ask someone to change behaviors that are hurting you or your marriage. It's compromise. It's his choice to change or not, but IMO, committing to someone means caring for their welfare and working with them, even if it's painful or uncomfortable. So he does owe you more than a shrug and a like-it-or-lump-it attitude, though he may not see it that way. Could be communication problems on both sides, too. His behavior seems pretty destructive to me, regardless of whether or not he has a problem with something you've said or done. Definitely not the way for him to resolve that. MC?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

alalove74 said:


> @galian I agree, actions DO speak louder than words!
> 
> He makes me feel like I'm going crazy. He treats me this way over and over, I call him out on it and he turns the tables on me making it my fault. Then he will be really sweet and loving for a few days, maybe a week until something triggers his anger and next thing I know I'm right back in the thick of it. He does not communicate what's upset him, but expects me to be so happy and loving and affectionate when he's over his anger. He doesn't understand why I find it difficult to snuggle up to him after this kind of treatment. When he's over it, or when he finally lets me in enough to talk about things he will go on and on about how much he loves me, how beautiful I am, how happy he is that I'm his wife and I'm like...? Who are you?! You haven't spoken to me for two weeks, haven't touched me in any way and we haven't had sex in over a month??
> 
> ...


Maybe you could tell him that unless he actually GOES to MC with you, you won't be able to stay with him. And start preparing yourself for either outcome. Someone else said he needs a kick in the gut. Sometimes that's what it takes to wake someone up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

alalove74 said:


> And so it begins... Husband comes home from work 3 1/2 hours later than usual. Responds to my text asking when he will be home by saying he needed time to think. Ok, I understand. Finally comes home and I ask him if he wants to talk. He says sure and 20 seconds later proceeds to walk right out of the room. Has now secured himself away for the rest of the evening in his office.
> 
> Any suggestions?


Yes - IMHO he is playing a manipulate, controlling and abusive game at the expense of your emotions and sanity. You cannot make him change but you can resolve to change yourself so that you stop playing his game and take responsibility for your own happiness. 

Do take a look at the link below for tips on how to stop playing his game. My relationship is not perfect but I no longer dread and fear getting the silent treatment so all in all these tips have helped me immensely.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

alalove74 said:


> ...
> I've tried being patient, giving him space, apologizing, humor, cried many tears and lost my temper a few times.


These are the natural reactions of any normal person and I used to do this all the time. It didn't get me anywhere in the long run.


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## elizabethdennis (Jan 16, 2013)

You cannot force your husband to change. It should come from him. making marriage work is a mutual effort. Both of you should learn to compromise.


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