# I'm gone need support



## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Ok. I'm going to try an sum up our drama story. 

Wife and I have been together for almost 11 years. Married for 6. 
We got together when she was a teen. Before marriage she had her "I didn't get my wildness out and so I went and cheated" thing. Then, we got married. No wedding. Have a 3 yr old girl. We love each other very much. We love our family. I can be cold sometimes and call my wife "goofy" or "retarded" I'm a lot like my dad. He was a verbal abusive husband and physically abusive father. WE've been here before, she's served me papers before and I was able to get her to stop and we worked on our relationship. Years later we have another fight. No talk of Divorce. 

Today. 2.5 months ago, my wife came to me on her own and told me how much she loved me and How I'd better not ever leave her because she wouldn't know what to do. I have been neglectful at times, and I get jealous sometimes when she wants to go out with her friends, sometimes to clubs or dancing. I feel "of course I'm gonna feel that way". 

We started a haunted house for a business. Had a LOT of potential for making enough money to be comfortable. We're poor folks. We sold our 2 hotrods and land to start this. Now it's failing. About 1.5 months ago, a week after wife told me she loved me so much, our volunteers showed up. 2 young guys showed up wanting to act. (1 19 and 1 20) When the wife told me "2 guys are here wanting to act and I think you're relaly gonna like them" As soon as I saw them, I thought "don't let them do it, send them on their way" But I didn't. I let them act. They came by every day to help build. The more and more they stayed, the more my wife started hugging on them (they're huggers) and the less time she spent with me. 

Now? We're separated. Divorce has been mentioned. We had a fight because I wanted to tell her how much I realized I wasn't giving her enough attention and how I was being a jerk at times. So then we separated and I lived in the opposite end of the house. She's since cheated on me with the 19 year old. Twice. It's over. She's still friends with the 20 year old and our 17 yr old actress that are dating. (the 20 yrs old friend and 17 yr old girl is together now) And she's been hanging with them every chance she gets. 

So I'm separated. My wife NOW says that "My feelings for you have changed and I don't know why" and of course "I love you but not like 'that' anymore" When this first started she was using every excuse, that I"ve hit walls when mad at times, to being "controlling" .. which I don't feel I was controlling, if so not much, ya know? Just got nervous when she wanted to go out to dance etc with her friends.

I'm changing to what my wife says she needs. Me to do more for her, give her more attention etc. Now that I"m trying to fix my marriage, she says I'm smothering her and I have to either give her time and space or she WILL serve me papers.

Can someone please help? I think my rewriting my story in a new thread (better summary) will help. Please help. I'm at my moms wth our daughter and it's killing me. She said she's going to her friend's tonight for a farewell party and she will drink, but it's supose to only be Ryan, his girlfriend, Ryan's sister and my wife. BUt how am I suppose to know this? I'm trying to give her space and I'm feeling better about being away, but it's killing me now.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> Ok. I'm going to try an sum up our drama story.
> 
> Wife and I have been together for almost 11 years. Married for 6.
> We got together when she was a teen. Before marriage she had her "I didn't get my wildness out and so I went and cheated" thing. Then, we got married. No wedding. Have a 3 yr old girl. We love each other very much. We love our family. I can be cold sometimes and call my wife "goofy" or "retarded" I'm a lot like my dad. He was a verbal abusive husband and physically abusive father. WE've been here before, she's served me papers before and I was able to get her to stop and we worked on our relationship. Years later we have another fight. No talk of Divorce.
> ...


Dewayne

You cannot be too controlling because your wife has had sex with the 19 year old twice.

She also has been going out with these kids and partying with them.

Am I to assume you have been watching your daughter?

So why don't you stand n your own two feet and serve her?

Why on earth would you want to be treated like this?

God gave men a pair for a reason. Your wife will never respect you if you don't use them.

We already can see that she does not respect herself.

Time to move on my man. And let her see that you are prepared to do so.

HM64


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## Eternal Embrace (Apr 26, 2012)

Time to start implementing the 180. Sounds like it's the only option you have now.

That and to start working on yourself - not for her sake but for your own.

Good luck and keep us posted!!!


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Thanks guys. I just don't get why she can be in love with me before the kids show up, and then have an affair and SHE ACTS like I SHOULD BE afterwards? She said she just wants to be alone for a while and "center herself" SHe acts like she's taking her affair hard, but my brother said when I'm not there, she acts like she's not remorseful. 

I love my wife, very dearly and I do not want a broken family. My wife is taking meds for chestpains that ended up being a stress reliever and an anti depressant. She's been stressed tremendously and now she's lost her job. I don't know if I should try to wait her out or take my kid and file.... gawd it hurts tho. I've been no contact for 10 hours and It's killing me. I'm understanding that I"m smothering her but WHY? Why when she was saying.. like yesterday she said "you should've been giving me the attention before the blow up" NOW? I'm doing it but it's too much for her? Is she wanting to live free even tho she's claiming that's not what she wants?

Ohh, i've been trying the 180 off and on, but it's hard for me. I'll wake up ready to do it and by the end of the day I'm a wreck again. I really, and truly do want to fix my marriage, but my wife doesn't even want to talk about MC... just says she wants time apart... to be alone and think. I don't know what to do / believe.


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## Eternal Embrace (Apr 26, 2012)

She's playing the victim.

She clearly knows that what she did was wrong and feels guilty about it. But instead of owning that guilt she is blameshifting. 

Now I know it takes 2 people for a marriage to work and all marriages have some sort of problem but the way that a person deals with those problems says a lot about the person themself - and any kind od A is in no way to properly deal with any shortcomings a person percieves in a marriage.

And I'm not gonna lie, the 180 is gonna be hard - _*really hard*_, especially since it seems you two are still living under the same roof, be it on opposite ends. But it will get a little bit easier every day if you stick to it. It will do wonders for yourself, it'll help you become a better person for yourself while at the same time halting your "smothering" of her. 

Begging, pleading and smothering her are no ways to bring her back. They are not attractive and will only push her further away - remember that.

Hold off on the legal seperation if you must but keep in mind that just because you have a legal seperation in place that that does not mean an R in the future it totally off the table if *both* of you are committed to it.

Work on yourself - for you and your kid's sake. The kids are going thru enough as it is right now and they def need a stable and rational father figure in their life right now.

Get out and do some one on one things with your kids. Go out with your friends when you have the chance (I know with kids and running your own biz that that can sometimes be a challenge). Get back into old hobbies, exercise, get in touch with yourself and find out what makes you happy (other than your W) - basically do anything you can that helps you better yourself - for yourself!!!:smthumbup:

And stop trying to analyze everything your W is doing and saying, the only purpose that will serve is to drive you crazy. We cannot control their actions or thoughts so it's best to simply let them be. Once you realize that you'll be better off.


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> Thanks guys. I just don't get why she can be in love with me before the kids show up, and then have an affair and SHE ACTS like I SHOULD BE afterwards? She said she just wants to be alone for a while and "center herself" SHe acts like she's taking her affair hard, but my brother said when I'm not there, she acts like she's not remorseful.


What is she, Dewayne?

(hint: It starts with "cake" and ends with "eater".)



You already know this, dear. I know it hurts, but for the sake of you and your daughter, kick her a** to the curb.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Thanks EE,, yo'uve helped before and I appreciate it. 

I don't have any hobbies at my mom's place, but even then, my wife took part in a lot of my hobbies sometimes. I'm lonely, I'm hurt, I'm scared... FRIGHTENED... I need my wife, I know that's not good, but I do. 

I'm going to reprint the 180 since I'm here and start again. She loves me, I know she does. If you were with us, you'd say "Well dude, you only need to work on being nicer and show more attention" and would know that the love is there, I truly believe she's clouded for some reason. 

It only hurts when I see my baby. I keep thinking about all three of us playing on the bed, walking outside etc. I know... i have to stop. 

I gotta get out of my mom's house now too. Everywhere here, I keep seeing us at christmas, having great sex on the back porch... etc. This place is tainted as well. 

What really hurts, is the fact that my wife says it doesn't bother her to see me with another girl, like if I went to meet someone... and she said "that's part of the problem, I don't think it bothers me to see you with someone else" I keep thinking / hoping it's only because of her affair.  


I just want peace and hope... that my wife will wisen up and realize we have a great family, we just need a tuneup.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

I know sweety. But dammit, I love her so much and I know all of her flaws and I don't care! 

Ima give jojo a bath and take one myself and we're going up town a bit. Gonna go to stores my wife and I haven't been to etc. There's a girl at the hospital that kinda flirted with me when I went for my stress echo. I gave her tickets to my haunt and my wife said the girl was like "I hope I see the gy that gave me the tickets, I wanna see him tonight" And my wife didn't know who she was. I thot about seeing if she wanted to go get a drink or lunch. I don't have anyone to talk to and I thought this may help. Whatcya think?

Dewayne


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

Do what you do. 

Don't worry about her.


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## how was your day? (Oct 10, 2012)

i agree with the 180 for ya bro


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## Eternal Embrace (Apr 26, 2012)

You are always welcome for any advise I give and it gives me pride that some of what I said may help you. That being said...

Contacting her and asking to go out is not the 180 nor is it giving her the space she requested. 

You're shooting yourself in the foot my dear!

I'm not saying that she doesn't love you anymore, I don't know her and have never sen any interactions between you but I do know that sometimes space given can be the best gift.

Not only does giving her space (and the 180) give her time to reflect on herself and the situation as she needs but it also does the same for you.

By disconnecting ourselves from the situation it enables us to see the bigger picture and to be able to see it more clearly at that.

I know it's hard, I'm not gonna lie and say there aren't times that I'd love to call my H and be all "why???!!!! we should be together!!!! I love you even thou you treat me like poo!!!! Please come and talk to me!!!!" But I resist that urge because in the end it a) does not accomplish a damn thing b) is not (in my mind) a healthy way to deal with the situation and c) I DO NOT deserve to be treated like poo!!! - nor do you for that matter!!!!


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Ohh no... I was talking about going to see the lady at the hospital and see if she wanted to talk sometime. She just broke up with her boyfriend and mentioned not having someone to talk to. Kinda sounds like me. I just thought it wouldn't hurt, since the wife is out hanging with friends while I'm gone...


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## Eternal Embrace (Apr 26, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> Ohh no... I was talking about going to see the lady at the hospital and see if she wanted to talk sometime. She just broke up with her boyfriend and mentioned not having someone to talk to. Kinda sounds like me. I just thought it wouldn't hurt, since the wife is out hanging with friends while I'm gone...


Ohhhhhh!!!!

Sorry about the confusion!!!!

Yes, yes, yes!!! By all means go and make new friends!!! As long as it's not any revenge-dating thing, but yes, new friends is an excellent place to start!!!


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Just remembered, I wanted to say that... here recently, I started seeing something. Now she says I tend to "read into things" and see things that aren't there. But here goes:

I've noticed things like.. she said : "I NEED you to be strong for me baby, I NEED you to be the man I once knew that could handle anything. I need you to be strong to get through this.

Then there was a time she said "I'm trying to tell you what to do to make this better but you just won't do it"

She went from asking for Divorce on our Anniversary I might add, to just wanting space. She said "At this point, Divorce is the last thing I'm thinking about" 

She told me "I want some control and power but I don't want to be with a 'wussy' either" And she looked me in the eyes. 

There's a ton of other "pieces" but... I think there's a puzzle to put together here. Am I still, "reading into" things? Or is she telling me what she wants from me to make this better?


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Not to pull away from my last post but, also. Today on Facebook. She posted 

" Time to get ready and go out. Driving the hearse today, so that'll be fun. Hope it doesn't effect my job searching. Having a small farewell party tonight with my closest friends and since I'm not driving I think I may find something to bring to drink  " 

The thing is, she told me last night she wasn't going to drink (she hates alcohol) is this something I should worry about?


















This is us by the way. These were taken shortly after we first talked about Divorce.


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

Unfriend her on FB. 

Seeing her posts will exacerbate your anxiety and anger.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Thinking about taking a trip with Jordan to get out of town a bit.

I also feel the very strong need to text her and say "Thought you weren't gonna drink?" 

I'm seriously also thinkin about going to a lawyer today. I have $550. Some of it's truck payment but I almost don't care.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

I'm getting stone blocked here. I'm getting sick of it the more I let it go on. My wife today (yeah, I saw her on accident) and we seemed ok, but she was not mad to see me. SHe even smiled a bit and kinda chuckled when she said "See, I told you you couldn't stay away" I just noded and said "it's not like that." 

She cheated. I believe it's over cus the OM is banging someone else from our haunted house (now fired) SHe still wants time and space she said. I'm at my mom's giving her just that. 

QUestion is guys, do I continue? Or do I just go and file for Divorce and tell her she fked up? I would like nothing more than to work this all out, but I'm tired of all of this. Tired of waiting.. WTF should I HAVE to wait? She's the one cheated. She's the one screwed up in the head atm. I just don't know what to do. I'm ok, have been for an hour or so now since I've been back at mom's. Don't even WANT to text her, or call her.. Don't even check her FB right now either. What should I do?


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

I believe you're naive. Don't worry. I am, too.

You have to stop focusing on her life. It's going to keep you miserable. 

I know it's hard. God, I know it's hard, but you have to cut ties. Delete her from FB. The comment she made to you (I knew you couldn't stay away) is proof she's playing games. She WILL intentionally use social networking to get in your head. And guess what? You're feeding right into it.

You have to portray an I-don't-give-a-sh*t attitude, or she gets to continue reigning as the queen of the world, while you grovel. 

Fake it 'til you make it.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Well, she barely ever posts on there. that's the thing. I think she was just "advertising" to her friends. Like one time seh posted "I need something... but don't know what. Any suggestions?"

SO I talked to her then and she was like "Not sex, just.. I don't know. Something. I mainly just wanted to see how many people cared" 

Me and her nephew basically replied and that was it. I really don't think it was phishing for a response from me, but it could've been I'm sure... but as rare as she posts... I doubt it.


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

The fact that she rarely posted before you left speaks volumes to me. 

She lost control of the situation, and she knows how to push your buttons. FB posting is a perfect way to get inside your spouse's head. Vague comments can be easily taken in multiple directions.

How did you feel when you initially read her post, today?


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

My mother and I were speaking. I thought of it before but didn't really think too much about it. My wife had been on Celexa, an antidepressant for a few months now. And this had started about 2.5 months ago. My friends, my family, EVERYONE that's known her since before the actors showed up, says she's completely different. I know this is norm of this kinda situation, but ... isn't it possible the medicine could be messing with her?

She's even made remarks... a lot in fact, about how she'd like to crawl off somewhere and let the world forget about her. In these times, she really talks... off. Now that I think about it, I'm kinda scared she may be getting (in the low mood times) a little suicidal. But I"m not sure. 

Any suggestions?

also, Sweety, When I first read it, it was ok until I saw the part where she was going to find something to drink. SHE HATES alcohol. The ONLY thing she's found she can drink, is the landslide marg. at Cheddars. That's it. Other than that, I just felt like she was going to drink anyways regardless of what she told me. Wasn't TERRIBLE, no but I felt lied to at the least.


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## MisterRitter (Sep 1, 2012)

Man, I know this is hard. I am going through something similar but less dramatic. I think you need to go 180. I started that way, then decided we could be friends again and we chatted and skyped some, but I started to feel like crap. So, I am back to 180 and am accepting that we are done.

You need to think more long term. If you are going to R, it isn't going to happen right now considering your state of mind. You need to be happy and confident with yourself to feel any kind of peace. And it doesn't sound like your interactions with her will allow you to do this. It sounds like you are grasping at any straw to explain or justify what she did when there is no justification for it. She cheated.

So, maybe the 180 and just give yourself some time to think and become more comfortable with yourself for now.

I know its hard, believe me, but sometimes things just don't work out.

Hope it gets better for you.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

I'm having plenty of time to think. I've been on 180 again, cept for breaking no contact rule today, I've done good. Even when we were talking, I didn't let it show that things bothered me and I was short and to the point. Mostly lol. I KNOW our marriage CAN work out. We just need to get her out of this fog (if that's what it is) 

I know, I still have to face the fact I have to deal with this all the time if we try to Reconcile. I think I'm pretty ok with it. I have forgiven her. I won't forget but I can / have forgiven her. However, I also feel she has an illness that needs worked on. I'm wanting to love and care for her through this, just as I vowed to do. 

I'm doing the 180 still. I'll not have contact until she comes to get Jordan. I just don't know what to say / what I will say when she gets here. I almost don't want her to take Jordan. For one, she just got hired today at the movie theatre and has to work Thursday. I don't want her to trust someone I DON'T trust with our kid.


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