# Panic, Anger, Hurt and Hope



## lucy mulholland

Hello. 

I need to share my story. I am on day nine since my husband said he doesn't want to live with me anymore. This comes on the tail of lots and lots of conflict (and we were separated three years ago for five months - we know our relationship needs work) but I have always insisted that I want to work on things. He has been reluctant or avoidant about this, and I've tried to be patient. We just started to see a counsellor before my husband's announcement. We had talked about splitting (like in arguments) but I thought he was willing to give it some work via counselling. 

I went away on a one week (planned for months) visit to family with my daughter, age 6, and when I came back he told me he was moving out (it was all set up already).

After my initial reaction of shock and "please don't do this," I have come to see both how much I love him and DO want to work on things, and some of the ways I haven't been supportive. 

But I am finding the interim VERY painful, obviously. He has not moved out yet and spends his days working in his basement studio, coming up to eat and shower and engage with me as if nothing is wrong. He's even whistling and humming. It's so hard. 

I have told him in letters and in person that I am here, I believe in us and I'm willing to work and rewrite the whole relationship if necessary. Also that I won't stop him from leaving, as it's clear he needs the space. His reasons for leaving have gone from "I'll get cancer if I stay in this any longer" to "I need to follow my own path" to "You have a grumpy disposition."

We have been married almost 6 years, together for over 9.

Some friends tell me I should just move on and emphasize what a jerk he's being to do it like, this, without real explanation. Others say I should move on in terms of getting prepared to be a single parent, but to go on and hold the space in my heart for him.

I'm hurting so much that no decision makes a lot of sense, even the gut feelings are not helping. I do know I love him and want to do anything I can to see his perspective and try to understand what went wrong. And yes, hopefully, what can be rebuilt. 

To keep this short-ish, I'll add only a brief explanation of one thing I think may be a real contributing factor to the split: he has identified as transgendered, which so far has meant wearing some female clothing, shoes, earrings, undergarments. I am open to discussing this and don't think it has to spell the end of the relationship, but he's not mentioning it at all as a reason for the split. I have reacted poorly (ie. shock and upset and lots of questions) when he has come out with certain feminine items in the past, but that was an initial reaction based in feeling threatened and wondering what it meant for us. I want him to know I can come around to be understanding and open, as I vowed to at our wedding. I just want to know what I'm dealing with, and wonder how he lost trust in me. It's hard to get past initial reactions and I want to show him that I am capable of more than that.

Thank you so much for any suggestions on how to proceed.


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## Dewayne76

Wow. I do sense a lot of deep issues that may be uprooted if you continue to post. 

This BS about him hiding his 'other side' with wanting to x-dress, yeah that should've been something talked about, not surprised about. 

He may have deeper issues than what you think. 

Me? Knowing what I know now? TO ME... I think I'd say: "So when are you moving out? What kind of boundaries are we talking here? See other people or no? " etc. 

I believe others will tell you to STOP IMMEDIATELY the begging and pleading. BE STRONG and stand up for what you ARE and ARE NOT ok with. Be firm. ONce you find out he doesn't want to talk about "Why"... then let him know you are willing to put in 110% and stop there, be firm and let him know are ARE NOT going to take a bunch of b/s. 

Good luck. Again, this is ONLY my opinion after going through my b/s separation / divorce.


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## lucy mulholland

Uprooted in a good way, Dewayne? Cause I can keep posting and posting 

I feel strong sometimes. I've given him boundaries. But at this point they happen to include still reaching out, hugging, and telling him (once) that I's like to make love again. I know, probably a big mistake. 

I'm trying to just speak from my heart to him, and overlook the betrayal and hurt, because like you said, I think it does come from a deeper place and I want to explore that with him. Always have. 

I know I have the potential to be hugely hurt, and I am trusting that I will know when it is time to walk away (though with a kid, that's not really possible).


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## IsGirl3

I think this is out of your hands. Your husband has hidden the transgender part of him and he can't keep it down any more. He's not the person you thought you married. Although he hasn't really changed in his own heart, that is because he kept himself a secret. He can't live a lie anymore and you married a facade. It's incredibly understanding of you to be understanding and open. You're taking it better than I would. As far as standing by the vows of your wedding, I really don't think standing by your husband who you discover is transgender falls into that category. He pulled a bait and switch on you.


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## lucy mulholland

Thanks for your answer IslandGirl. However, there are so many stories out there of love (if not marriage) surviving an issue such as this. Websites devoted to the issues of female partners of trans people. What I'm mostly concerned with is preserving the love between us. If that means he doesn't want to be married, ok. If that means he wants a few months to explore himself, be with other people, and feel "single", I'm willing to give him that.
But he hasn't given me the chance to accept and see him for who he truly is -- out of fear that I'll reject him -- and so he's rejecting me first. But in so many ways he is the person I married.

Our relationship might look completely different after all this - but it doesn't have to follow the typical model of ex vs ex. We have a beautiful daughter together, and he says "I'll always love you" - so what new ground can we chart together?

There is also such a spectrum of gender identity - we all play into it - and he may not be at the far end where he wants to become a woman. If he did, I may want to be with him romantically. But even then - who knows? And I would want to support him and be by his side. I know that I love him deeply, I feel for him, and I want to see him feel accepted and loved BY ME. Because of our daughter we still have our whole lives together.

And we need to communicate about this first and foremost.


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## staystrong

It's very difficult when children are involved. I am going through a break-up caused by her infidelity (she's leaving me for the OM) and I'm having a hard time dealing with "what will happen to the kids?". Your H does not have your daughter foremost in his mind like you do. He may say he does but he does not. He's thinking about himself and the newfound sense of freedom he has. My wife was the same. 

It's true that some marriages can survive this but I think only a few and it would require that your H realizes that you and your daughter are too valuable to him. Right now, he's not in that headspace. You have to accept that. Don't try to reason with him; it won't work. 

My advice: Can you go on a short trip by yourself? You may not want to at the moment, but simply extracting yourself for a week may give you time to process some thoughts. Go with a friend if you can to have support. Let your H see you reacting with strength of your own.


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## lucy mulholland

staystrong -- i am a seasoned traveller and love a good road trip. it is one of the sources of conflict for my H and I. he sort of expects me to bolt, of "run away" in his words.

i do think about when it would be a good time to take a trip - do i leave him with my daughter so he can see what full time single parenting really is, or take her with?

you're right, though - he's in a headspace where he's take any opportunity to see what i'm doing in a negative light. 

i probably shouldn't care what he thinks, as i won't want to stop travelling if we somehow get together with him. he will have to accept that part of me...


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## staystrong

I think you should leave your daughter with H if she's fine with that.

How are you feeling otherwise?


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## lucy mulholland

staystrong - 

i don't want to leave her with him. i feel so possessive of her. i also feel like ****. my H is already pursuing another relationship with a mutual friend, and I'm trying not to let it bother me (ha, ha) and instead focus on the belief that we can reconcile. 

i seems like he's pursuing this relationship partly out of lust/"thank god i'm rid of the wife" and partly, if only subconsciously, to push me away further. it won't work. i'm jealous and hurt but i still love him and already forgive him (i think).

what should i do? this is a nightmare.


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## staystrong

Lucy -

I understand your need to want to guard your daughter, but you need to get out of your environment for a bit. Trust me, I've been there (recently). I'm a father of two and when my world started crumbling due to knowledge of affair, I scrambled to save it. Part of that was a need to set the turf, keep my daughters close, etc. 

However, I realize I needed to be away. I personally felt too rotten to go on a trip so I know how you feel. BUT .. I had no friends or family there to help push me to do something on my own. I wish I had. At the very least, go spend a weekend somewhere with a friend. 

Your daughter will be fine. Not much is going to change in the few days you are gone. 

You need to start busting this affair open too. Is the friend married? Tell the spouse. Now.


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## lucy mulholland

She's a single mom. I confronted her and she said she's not involved, it's all him. He used the words emotional affair, but she denies doing anything to lead him on. Regardless, I've decided she's not a friend (no kidding) mainly because she apparently told him "maybe in a year" or "not just yet" or some other crap like that. Also because seeing even a picture of her makes me sick to my stomach. Luckily she wasn't a close friend.

It's so hard to gauge where he's at. He's picked up my daughter to take her to school today and he can seem pleasant, detached, and sorrowful all in the same glance. I see why NC is good because though I missed him for the last two days with no contact, trying to avoid or look into his eyes is too painful.

I just don't know what he's thinking, both about me and the little notes I've let him, my expressed desire to work things out, and in a "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING" kind of way. I can't believe that he's willing to go even a couple day without seeing his daughter, even with issues of transgender/crossdressing that are making him act SO SELFISHLY.

Any stories of people who moved away from a BS, with kids? Legal fallout? This is the only thought that gives me relief - not in a "he'll never see his daughter" way but in a "it's the only way I can see moving on if this really is final".

And I have to wait how long to know when it's time to give up?

TORTURE. Absolute torture.


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## staystrong

Moving out is a way to create space for him and OW to have a love nest and a "discreet" way to engage each other. 

Don't believe what they tell you. It's probably already physical. People rarely hold themselves back.

THEY ARE NOT THINKING. Well, at least not about you and your daughter. 

No Contact does not mean avoiding eye contact! In fact, he's the one who should be looking down. It's his shame. 

Do you want to fight for the marriage?

Don't leave love notes. You are trying to "nice" him into staying. It won't work.. are you ready to try other things?


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## lucy mulholland

staystrong:

I'm ready to try anything! At this point I feel like I don't care how enmeshed he is w/ the OW - if he decides despite that little fling that he wants to work things out, I'll be willing to at least try.

He really doesn't seem to be there, though, and it's almost like I can imagine him thinking, How would be ever all be friends again if I got back with the wife? Like he's choosing a short superficial thing as the place to put his effort instead of our 9-year marriage.

I know, I can stop the notes anytime. And he should feel shame with the way he's gone about this - but in some ways, I feel like guilt and shame are pushing him further away. I already feel ready to forgive - I just don't want him to go any further, or do more stuff that he feels he can't "go back on". 

Except, of course, the major issue, being that he may want to transition as transgendered. He may want to just keep crossdressing. I don't know. He won't say. It could be a years-long journey and am I willing to wait/be with him through it? I'm not even sure anymore. 

My heart says yes but will I just get strung along?

(Sidenote: Earlier this year I had a miscarriage at 4 months. We had been trying for 8 months before I got pregnant. So my shock is partly that he would go that far with me into expanding our family and THEN decide, when I miscarried that it wasn't for him.)


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## Orpheus

LuMu, you can't control and fix other people. no matter how much you "want" to. Your husband has been acting unilaterally and acting out on his desires and not including you in the direction he wants to take his life. That is not partnering behavior. Divergent sexual behaviors/desires are often extremely caustic and disastrous to couples. No matter how much you want to change for him... you're not his problem. you're your problem. Place your feet on the ground and embrace all those aspects of yourself that you've been suppressing for the past x years. rise up, girl.


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## lucy mulholland

i haven't been suppressing anything. i'll be doing things i was already doing, or going to do. it feels good but i don't feel like i have all this freedom now. i'm committed to seeing this through well, whatever that looks like (and i really don't know).


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## Chris57

My dearest Lucy,

I have so much empathy for what has happened to you in your life. None of this is your doing. it is all your husbands doing. Yes he has betrayed you, deeply. I am a crossdresser, but that is as far as it goes. My love for my wife is unending. I have no agenda with it. No hidden desires, no feelings to change or leave my beloved wife. But i am not everyone. I pray that he recognizes his selfishness and disrespect for you soon. The true love of a strong woman is more precious than gold or silver. The love you gave him deserves a far better response than what he has given you. He discarded your love and left the commitment that he made at the altar. Do not ever blame yourself. God Bless


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## DumpedAgain

Most crossdressers are hetero, I know the impulse is to think
your husband is gay.

Your husband has been hiding this "secret" his whole life
and that has changed his life in ways even he doesn't realize

I would locate a counselor that deals with gender issues


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