# Confused about Ex vs new GF



## ldobbler (Sep 27, 2011)

Been going thru a divorce for 2 years now. Was married for 15 yrs. Anyway, I've noticed that when I've been with new women, I seem to last much longer than I ever did with my wife. I also don't seem to maintain erection the whole time, which probably is the reason for lasting longer. This has happened with 2 different women, both of whom I've been very attracted to. Luckily it hasn't been an issue for them because I'm an open and affectionate lover...and I always do what I need to do to make sure they enjoy themselves. Many times, I don't even achieve orgasm. 

A few months ago, I had sex with my soon to be ex and tho it was kind of awkward and strange and cold and not very exciting, I didn't last very long and I actually had an orgasm. We only did it for the sake of doing it because we were both lonely. I wasn't involved with anyone else at the time.

Why is it that I was able to finish with a woman who treated me so poorly for so many years even though the sex was kind of robotic and routine, but with my new girlfriend who is young, exciting and very sexy...I'm not able to?

Am I still hung up on my ex? Is it a comfort thing? Am I crazy?!

Thanks in advance for all advice.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Totally normal. No worries. Had the same issues here, although they are going away as I move forward in my current relationship. However, I can still go a long time, which is appreciated!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ldobbler said:


> Been going thru a divorce for 2 years now. Was married for 15 yrs. Anyway, I've noticed that when I've been with new women, I seem to last much longer than I ever did with my wife. I also don't seem to maintain erection the whole time, which probably is the reason for lasting longer. This has happened with 2 different women, both of whom I've been very attracted to. Luckily it hasn't been an issue for them because I'm an open and affectionate lover...and I always do what I need to do to make sure they enjoy themselves. Many times, I don't even achieve orgasm.
> 
> A few months ago, I had sex with my soon to be ex and tho it was kind of awkward and strange and cold and not very exciting, I didn't last very long and I actually had an orgasm. We only did it for the sake of doing it because we were both lonely. I wasn't involved with anyone else at the time.
> 
> ...


You don't realize the role subconscious doubt plays in this?


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## ldobbler (Sep 27, 2011)

I guess not 100% sure of what my subconscious is telling me. Please elaborate. Thanks


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ldobbler said:


> I guess not 100% sure of what my subconscious is telling me. Please elaborate. Thanks


"How do I stack up with the other guys she's had?"

"Damn, I want her to be impressed"

"Make sure you do it right, as this is important"

Word of advice... have a few drinks next time and go for it.


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## ldobbler (Sep 27, 2011)

I thought that's where you were going Conrad. You missed the point of my question completely. I have no problems with any of the things you mentioned. My concern isnt the fact that I'm lating too long with my girlfriend. That's hardly a problem believe me. She's quite satisfied. What's strange to me that when I was with my soon to be ex a couple of months ago.... I didn't last very long at all. That just seems very strange to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

How were you and ex between the sheets?


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## ldobbler (Sep 27, 2011)

Not very exciting to be honest......part of the reason marriage didn't make it. When we were together a couple of months ago, it was even less exciting....almost awkward So why did I finish so quickly with her, whereas when I'm with my new girl I last forever?


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

ldobbler said:


> So why did I finish so quickly with her, whereas when I'm with my new girl I last forever?


Because, perhaps, subconsciously you were trying to get it over with.

Throughout my marriage, I always had trouble finishing TOO quickly.

Now, I don't.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Not very exciting to be honest......part of the reason marriage didn't make it. When we were together a couple of months ago, it was even less exciting....almost awkward So why did I finish so quickly with her, whereas when I'm with my new girl I last forever?



Because subconciously you are analyzing your performance. Stop. Enjoy the experience for what it is. That is the point Conrad is trying to make. You are overanalyzing everything. Relax. Have fun. Try new things. It's not about performance, it is about the experience. It shouldn't be stressful. I was so worried about that stuff that it really hindered me initially. 

A good liquor to cure this....TEQUILA!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Few more tips from a couple of miles up the road.

Sex gets more intense and better with each passing year.

But, if you pay too much attention to what's going on during sex, it can get you distracted.

Focus on how it feels and how sexy she is.

And, if you find yourself getting distracted, I carry mental images of my wife in certain venues where I found her irresistible.

For example: (don't panic)

Sitting around a pool talking to her. She's got a bit of a bad sacral joint, so she always sits leaning back with her legs up on another chair.

Perfect opportunity to admire her feet, toe ring, toenail polish, suntan, shoulders, etc. - even the way her swimsuit fits.

These thoughts during the act?

Let's just say they lead to a locomotive type finish.

And, the great thing about it? You don't have to think about those mental images until you are pretty certain she's ready to go.

It's the type of rhythm you develop as a couple.

(And, the last thing I have to worry about is whether things are going to "work")


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## ldobbler (Sep 27, 2011)

LOL....Wow you guys are good. I always overanalyze things. Gotta stop that.

One final analysis....I guess I was fast with ex wife because I wasn't thinking about performance because she was so familiar...so I guess I just let myself go.

With new GF...I'm prob thinking a bit too much about things cause it's still new and we really found a connection. I do focus on how sexy she is. She's a bit younger than me which is a huge turn on....and I love every inch of her little body...sorry got carried away there.

I'll take all your advice and just enjoy her and the great connection we have so far.

My whole point of posting wasn't about my girlfriend. That's going really good...it was about why I was so quick with my wife. Guess I was worried that maybe I was still to hooked on her and more turned on by her than my girlfriend...which was why I finished faster........which really isn't the case. That was my conflict.

Does that sound about right?


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Why were you so quick with your wife? It seems obvious. If you were sleeping with a prostitute would you be quick or take a long time? 

When it's about sex for sake's sake and there's no emotion involved I'd think you'd just want to get it over with. 

I did that a few times near the end with my ex. Just did it for the sake of doing it and it was horrible. Fortunately I figured it out and stopped and it's been about a year since then so those memories are pretty much faded. The idea of sleeping with him is pretty revolting.  

And to think he asked me on the day of our divorce if I wanted to have a FWB with him! :rofl: Yeah right!


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Funny, I'm the same guys- with XH it was a like a 100m sprint, but now it's a marathon the couple of times it happened. The first time it freaked me out that it was going on so long (subconscious panic he doesn't fancy me!)- then I relaxed got into it and let just say it was mind blowing at the end- never ever had that with the XH!

Actually when I think back, the sex with XH was pretty average...... and the thought of having those creepy hands on my body again urrrgh I want to be sick.


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## ldobbler (Sep 27, 2011)

Its so refreshing to get women's perspective on this. Thanks! Gosh I hope the ex doesn't think back to me as being creepy tho 

My GF certainly doesn't. I was hooked a very long time on my wife and had a hard time letting go. That's why it freaked me out so much when I was to quick when I was with her. Our whole relationship, whenever I was less than impressive, we both just kind of chalked it up to "you must just be too turned on" because sex was kind of rare. Now that I've had some new and incredibly exciting and beautiful experiences with other women....and have lasted long enough for us to fully enjoy the experiences....I think it makes more sense.

I was a kid when we met and we were together for 20 yrs. Now I'm an old dog re-learning new trix and it feels great...both physically and mentally.

Sex shouldn't be something you do on an idol Tuesday just cause the kids are asleep and you haven't been together for a while....and it lonely lasts 10 to 15 from first kiss to cigarette. It should be something you do as often as the two of you feel the urge and it should take as long as it takes.....with or without climax for either one of you. As long were both enjoying each other and constantly learning each others bodies, strengths and weaknesses....and feel the connection that my GF and I feel....that is what is important.

I truly feel foolish about starting this post, but I've never been a 45 yr old man who is just getting out of a 20 yr old relationship before so I guess I'll cut myself some slack.

One last observation that I hope you all find interesting if not enlightening......my wife was never really into kissing. I on the other hand feel that kissing is one of the most intimate and essential part of good love making. 


Freak On a Leash said:


> If you were sleeping with a prostitute would you be quick or take a long time?
> :


Never been with a prostitute but pretty sure they don't kiss......not very intimate. When my GF and I kiss it's magical. She says it's like getting to have the best kiss of her life every time I kiss her. That's a beautiful way to spend and evening of giving and receiving pleasure....don't you think?

Song, poems and saying are written for a reason. Art reflects life, not the other way around. How many references are there out there about how people kiss? I used to comment to my wife when watching a romantic movie that I wish we could be intimate like that....and she would reply that no one is like that in real life...only the movies. You get the point. It's taken me a while but I've finally learned what making love is supposed to be like....I always knew it could be like this....I was just with the wrong person. I feel so blessed to have found someone who thinks and acts and enjoys our physical-ness as much as I do. She's an amazing woman and I feel so fortunate to have met her when I did.

No more worrying about how things were or are with the EX. She's my EX for a reason. Time to focus on the beautiful gift of a second chance on life I've been given with a woman who I am much more compatible with.

I can't thank this forum enuf. I originally joined 2 yrs ago when this all started happing to my marriage. Back there I was looking for advice on how to save the marriage. It didn't work because were weren't right for each other.....that's it. No magic bullet...no smoking gun. Reading thru my past posts and members replies I'm amazed at how far I'm come to accept my situation....and move on.

Really a great forum and a lifesaver.

Thanks to you all.......I wish you all the best the Universe has to offer!


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Conrad said:


> "How do I stack up with the other guys she's had?"
> 
> "Damn, I want her to be impressed"
> 
> ...


But not too many! 

Btw, same thing happened with me. You were with 1 person for 15 years. You associate the pleasure with the way your wife felt, smelled, sounded, etc. You were conditioned to climax to these sensations. 

Any new partners will be different and you aren't conditioned to that yet. 

Don't worry about it. 

"Practice" makes perfect.


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