# Husband and his sister problems



## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your sister-in-law is not a very nice person, is she? My take on her reaction to the video of your daughter is that she's jealous. She's jealous that your baby is getting attention.

There also is a chance that while she has decided to not have children, there is a part of her that hurts when she sees your little girl. Most younger women (I'm 70 so you all are younger  ) have a drive to have children. So this might be eating at her.

What I've done with negative people is to just ignore them, cut them out of my life. You know that while your husband struggled as a teen, it sounds like he's matured into a very good man. My take on it is that his struggle and him coming out to be who he is today. It sounds like he's matured to have far more character of than his sister.

You won't be able to cut her out entirely because she's family. But don't send go out of your way for her. If she does not say hello, then you two might just want to not say hello to her too. Just don't give her any room in your head.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Unfortunately, sometimes one has to grasp the reality that people can only treat you like crap with your permission.
That is where I am at with my sister.
She is very self absorbed and dramatic. I decided she could spare me the drama.
The last straw for me was when she started calling my wife, using her as a tool to manipulate me.
She is still my sister and family is family. I would be there if she truly needed me.
However, we really no longer have a relationship.
Sounds like that's where your husband is.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Your example illustrates a lot, don't apologize for it. Wow, have I known people like this. 

Instead of being happy for her bro's rise in the world, she only sees how he threatens her status. The past is a club she will never stop beating her bro with. She drives off her H's family b/c they don't nurture her narcicistic personality. 

When she criticized the video, I would have said something like "When you criticize things I share with you, I don't feel so motivated to share things with you."

He should contact her and say "If stuff I did in the past is a problem, bring it up with me one-on-one. If you bring it up in a group setting, it will get ugly and that isn't fair to the others. I think it would be a damn shame if we couldn't move on from the past and have a good sibling relationship, but ultimately that is your choice."

If she does take cheap shots in a group setting, don't be uncomfortable, and don't sink to her level. Just say "That is unfair. Stop it before you ruin this nice gathering. We will talk about this later." If that doesn't work, apologize to the host and leave.

Of course if she does show any constructive behavior, engage. You can even say how much fun it was, but DON'T compare it to previous crappy behavior, you want to move on from that.

If she doesn't want to say hi/bye, oh well, best not to read too much into it. Her relationship w/ her H is illustrative, but don't try to fix that.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Plenty of people never get along with their siblings — even as adults. My ex-husband and his siblings couldn’t stand being in the same room together for more than a few minutes. His mom was the cause of that but she never understood how pitting her children against each other when they were young carried over when they were adults. Not everyone is one big happy family, unfortunately.

Your husband’s sister will never change. This is who she is. Limit your time with her when you can and ignore her when you can’t.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Openminded said:


> Plenty of people never get along with their siblings — even as adults. My ex-husband and his siblings couldn’t stand being in the same room together for more than a few minutes. His mom was the cause of that but she never understood how pitting her children against each other when they were young carried over when they were adults. Not everyone is one big happy family, unfortunately.
> 
> *Your husband’s sister will never change.* This is who she is. Limit your time with her when you can and ignore her when you can’t.


People make amazing changes. You can visit an apartheid era prison in South Africa where the guides are both former prisoners and former guards who abused them and now admit they were wrong.

Of course a lot of people never change, she may not. We can't know this.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

SpinyNorman said:


> People make amazing changes. You can visit an apartheid era prison in South Africa where the guides are both former prisoners and former guards who abused them and now admit they were wrong.
> 
> Of course a lot of people never change, she may not. We can't know this.


I speak as I find. Your opinion may differ and that’s okay.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

She sounds miserable and jealous. And she’s obviously super petty. Some people feel bad about themselves when attention and praise goes to someone else. It’s messed up. So I bet your in laws talk about your daughter and how happy you guys all are to your sister in law, and I bet somewhere inside of her it makes her unhappy, jealous, or makes her feel bad
About herself. Which is why she acts the way she acts. 

My opinion is to always be the bigger person. Rise up, smile, be polite. If she doesn’t want to be included in the videos don’t sent them. If she says negative comments about your husband as a child, let it go, and don’t bite the bait, she is just jealous and she is trying to make herself feel better by putting a hole in your happiness.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Your sister-in-law is not a very nice person, is she? My take on her reaction to the video of your daughter is that she's jealous. She's jealous that your baby is getting attention.
> 
> There also is a chance that while she has decided to not have children, there is a part of her that hurts when she sees your little girl. Most younger women (I'm 70 so you all are younger  ) have a drive to have children. So this might be eating at her.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your response. And you are still quite young to me  as long as your spirit feels young, and i get the impression it does!
Yeah I’ve thought about the not having children issue with her, but even in her early 20s she made it VERY clear she doesn’t want kids. Her now husband did want children but ever since he’s been with her agrees that children are “too expensive”. When she visited my daughter when she was born she even said, “oh well if I really wanted kids I’d have them but my husband doesn’t make 250k per year so yeah”. Money is a big big factor for her.

You’re right, I’m not going to go out of my way for her anymore. I’m realizing that this person hasn’t changed. They say “when a person shows you who they are the first time, believe them”. I just hoped she would evolve as time progressed, but that’s not the case. Won’t give her any room in my head, have better things to think about.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

Tdbo said:


> Unfortunately, sometimes one has to grasp the reality that people can only treat you like crap with your permission.
> That is where I am at with my sister.
> She is very self absorbed and dramatic. I decided she could spare me the drama.
> The last straw for me was when she started calling my wife, using her as a tool to manipulate me.
> ...


I completely agree - family is family, and you can wish well from a distance. My husband is right where you’re at. Not what we wanted but what can you do at this point.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Newgem said:


> Thank you for your response. And you are still quite young to me  as long as your spirit feels young, and i get the impression it does!
> Yeah I’ve thought about the not having children issue with her, but even in her early 20s she made it VERY clear she doesn’t want kids. Her now husband did want children but ever since he’s been with her agrees that children are “too expensive”. When she visited my daughter when she was born she even said, “oh well if I really wanted kids I’d have them but my husband doesn’t make 250k per year so yeah”. Money is a big big factor for her.
> 
> You’re right, I’m not going to go out of my way for her anymore. I’m realizing that this person hasn’t changed. They say “when a person shows you who they are the first time, believe them”. I just hoped she would evolve as time progressed, but that’s not the case. Won’t give her any room in my head, have better things to think about.


Another way to look at the issue of your sister-in-law not wanting children is "Good, would not wish her on any poor child."

I know a woman who your description of your SIL reminds me of. She is a high powered attorney. She did have one daughter. That poor girl was so messed up during childhood. It was impossible to live up to her mother's unreasonable expectations and control. When she graduated from high school she went to university out of state and has never moved back here. Only visits her parents once in a while. Smart kid.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

SpinyNorman said:


> Your example illustrates a lot, don't apologize for it. Wow, have I known people like this.
> 
> Instead of being happy for her bro's rise in the world, she only sees how he threatens her status. The past is a club she will never stop beating her bro with. She drives off her H's family b/c they don't nurture her narcicistic personality.
> 
> ...


You are SPOT ON! Instead of being happy for her brother, she wants to constantly knock him down. And once again you are SPOT ON. Her husbands family just couldn’t deal with it anymore. I feel for her husband though bc it’s been almost 10 years of him cutting his family off. It’s just a sad situation. 

You are so right, I should have said all the things you suggested. What I did was I told her I understood what she’s saying but that I don’t think her brother put much thought into the video. I was neutral in my response to her bc I know how sensitive and dramatic she is and I truly don’t want problems. I wish I would have said your responses but it’s too late. I’ve always been understanding and nice to her bc I see her personality and they are very difficult people to deal with and I wanted to keep the peace. It’s like walking on egg shells. I would just let things go, I would just “turn the other cheek” as they say. She might think that’s me being meek or weak, but it’s was honestly my way of keeping the peace in his family. Or else I would have told her off 10 years ago. I still beat myself up and have anger inside bc I’ve been too understanding with her but I’m learning to let it go, especially after this situation.

I told my husband to sit down and have a talk with her but he refuses.He says she will never ever admit she’s wrong or apologize. So there is no point. Honestly, I feel like she was spoiled by her parents growing up bc my husband was so bad. Now that they don’t kiss her ass as much, it bothers her to where she has to put my husband down to feel better. She always wants to put him down, even if it’s something that happened 20 years ago. It’s incredibly petty. Thanks for your response.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

Openminded said:


> Plenty of people never get along with their siblings — even as adults. My ex-husband and his siblings couldn’t stand being in the same room together for more than a few minutes. His mom was the cause of that but she never understood how pitting her children against each other when they were young carried over when they were adults. Not everyone is one big happy family, unfortunately.
> 
> Your husband’s sister will never change. This is who she is. Limit your time with her when you can and ignore her when you can’t.


I’m FINALLY learning that she will never change. This is her. She hasn’t evolved. Great advice- avoid when possibly and ignore when can’t. All I can do.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

Girl_power said:


> She sounds miserable and jealous. And she’s obviously super petty. Some people feel bad about themselves when attention and praise goes to someone else. It’s messed up. So I bet your in laws talk about your daughter and how happy you guys all are to your sister in law, and I bet somewhere inside of her it makes her unhappy, jealous, or makes her feel bad
> About herself. Which is why she acts the way she acts.
> 
> My opinion is to always be the bigger person. Rise up, smile, be polite. If she doesn’t want to be included in the videos don’t sent them. If she says negative comments about your husband as a child, let it go, and don’t bite the bait, she is just jealous and she is trying to make herself feel better by putting a hole in your happiness.


That’s the thing with her - she wants attention and praise ALL the time. She feeds off of it. I’ll continue with your advice. And yes I’ve always been nice, bc I want to keep the peace. If I didn’t stop myself, honestly I would have told her off such a long time ago. You’re ABSOLUTELY right, she is trying to find ways to fill this void and emptiness she has inside by trying to make others unhappy. You’re right - don’t bite the bait. Let it go. I just need to let it go.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I have two younger brothers, the youngest and I are close, the middle brother isn't close to either of us. He lives interstate and rarely contacts us. But he's still our bro and we're always here for him.

My husband and sister were once good friends, though he did warn me not to trust her with anything we didn't want his parents to know, lol. She really screwed him 5 years ago when the three of us had an argument, emails were exchanged and after telling him she wouldn't be telling their parents, she did, without warning him, and it caused a huge family blowout that we're unlikely to ever come back from. He's seen them twice in the last 5 years, spoken to his sister once on the phone and that's it.

He still loves her, he'd always help her if she needed it but he knows he can't trust her, and without trust what is there? 

Your SIL sounds petty and immature, just don't engage. Post in the group chat and if she tries to start trouble just leave.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Newgem said:


> You are SPOT ON! Instead of being happy for her brother, she wants to constantly knock him down. And once again you are SPOT ON. Her husbands family just couldn’t deal with it anymore. I feel for her husband though bc it’s been almost 10 years of him cutting his family off. It’s just a sad situation.
> 
> You are so right, I should have said all the things you suggested. What I did was I told her I understood what she’s saying but that I don’t think her brother put much thought into the video. I was neutral in my response to her bc I know how sensitive and dramatic she is and I truly don’t want problems.


You get to decide what are problems. To some of us, the person who picked the fight in the first place throwing a fit isn't a problem. But, you get to pick your battles.


> I wish I would have said your responses but it’s too late.


Hindsight is 20/20, I had time to come up w/ a response and you didn't. I usually think of what I should've said after it's too late. 


> I’ve always been understanding and nice to her bc I see her personality and they are very difficult people to deal with and I wanted to keep the peace. It’s like walking on egg shells. I would just let things go, I would just “turn the other cheek” as they say. She might think that’s me being meek or weak, but it’s was honestly my way of keeping the peace in his family. Or else I would have told her off 10 years ago. I still beat myself up and have anger inside bc I’ve been too understanding with her but I’m learning to let it go, especially after this situation.
> 
> I told my husband to sit down and have a talk with her but he refuses.He says she will never ever admit she’s wrong or apologize. So there is no point. Honestly, I feel like she was spoiled by her parents growing up bc my husband was so bad.


Maybe. Maybe your husband acted out b/c he sensed they liked her better. Often the spoiled kid expects to coast through life on the "Mommy's Favorite" ticket, and gets resentful when the un-spoiled kid(s) climb past her(or him , in other cases).


> Now that they don’t kiss her ass as much, it bothers her to where she has to put my husband down to feel better. She always wants to put him down, even if it’s something that happened 20 years ago. It’s incredibly petty. Thanks for your response.


The good news is his parents aren't stuck in the past. Often families get used to the way things are and either refuse to see people have changed, or get mad at them for rocking the boat.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

frusdil said:


> I have two younger brothers, the youngest and I are close, the middle brother isn't close to either of us. He lives interstate and rarely contacts us. But he's still our bro and we're always here for him.
> 
> My husband and sister were once good friends, though he did warn me not to trust her with anything we didn't want his parents to know, lol. She really screwed him 5 years ago when the three of us had an argument, emails were exchanged and after telling him she wouldn't be telling their parents, she did, without warning him, and it caused a huge family blowout that we're unlikely to ever come back from. He's seen them twice in the last 5 years, spoken to his sister once on the phone and that's it.
> 
> ...


My husband says the same thing as your husband. He only wants the best for her, but just says that they are not “compatible” as people. And he also doesn’t trust her. Yes, we haven’t been engaging. Thank you for your response.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

thank your for your responses. Yes you’re right, a lot of the time families just get used to always praising the one sibling, and this was the case with my husband. But in the past 3-4 years he’s truly proven himself so I think this is why he’s been getting the support from his parents.
You know, it’s been over 3 months since the texting incident and his sister hasn’t reached out, and neither have we. My mother in law watched my daughter one day and my daughter ended up getting injured (luckily all is fine now), but even with that incident my husbands sister still didn’t reach out. I thought maybe even a text to ask how daughter is doing? But nothing. I’m sure she gets updates from her parents, but I thought maybe this incident may have been what mended things, but nope. I just don’t know what to do. I want to reach out to her, but I also don’t want to look like a doormat. My husband absolutely refuses to, he does not even want to talk about it. It just hurts bc I feel like they are such a small family, why have this petty turmoil that you don’t talk to othera over for months... and who knows how long this grudge will last, maybe even years. These types of things weigh heavy on me bc I want there to be peace and forgiveness and to move forward. I have no choice, but to give it time. Thanks for listening.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

SpinyNorman said:


> You get to decide what are problems. To some of us, the person who picked the fight in the first place throwing a fit isn't a problem. But, you get to pick your battles.
> Hindsight is 20/20, I had time to come up w/ a response and you didn't. I usually think of what I should've said after it's too late.
> Maybe. Maybe your husband acted out b/c he sensed they liked her better. Often the spoiled kid expects to coast through life on the "Mommy's Favorite" ticket, and gets resentful when the un-spoiled kid(s) climb past her(or him , in other cases).
> The good news is his parents aren't stuck in the past. Often families get used to the way things are and either refuse to see people have changed, or get mad at them for rocking the boat.


thank your for your responses. Yes you’re right, a lot of the time families just get used to always praising the one sibling, and this was the case with my husband. But in the past 3-4 years he’s truly proven himself so I think this is why he’s been getting the support from his parents.
You know, it’s been over 3 months since the texting incident and his sister hasn’t reached out, and neither have we. My mother in law watched my daughter one day and my daughter ended up getting injured (luckily all is fine now), but even with that incident my husbands sister still didn’t reach out. I thought maybe even a text to ask how daughter is doing? But nothing. I’m sure she gets updates from her parents, but I thought maybe this incident may have been what mended things, but nope. I just don’t know what to do. I want to reach out to her, but I also don’t want to look like a doormat. My husband absolutely refuses to, he does not even want to talk about it. It just hurts bc I feel like they are such a small family, why have this petty turmoil that you don’t talk to othera over for months... and who knows how long this grudge will last, maybe even years. These types of things weigh heavy on me bc I want there to be peace and forgiveness and to move forward. I have no choice, but to give it time. Thanks for listening.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Newgem said:


> thank your for your responses. Yes you’re right, a lot of the time families just get used to always praising the one sibling, and this was the case with my husband. But in the past 3-4 years he’s truly proven himself so I think this is why he’s been getting the support from his parents.


It is good his parents were able to see his change and react to it. Some families are too stubborn to do that.


> You know, it’s been over 3 months since the texting incident and his sister hasn’t reached out, and neither have we. My mother in law watched my daughter one day and my daughter ended up getting injured (luckily all is fine now), but even with that incident my husbands sister still didn’t reach out. I thought maybe even a text to ask how daughter is doing? But nothing. I’m sure she gets updates from her parents, but I thought maybe this incident may have been what mended things, but nope. I just don’t know what to do. I want to reach out to her, but I also don’t want to look like a doormat. My husband absolutely refuses to, he does not even want to talk about it. It just hurts bc I feel like they are such a small family, why have this petty turmoil that you don’t talk to othera over for months... and who knows how long this grudge will last, maybe even years. These types of things weigh heavy on me bc I want there to be peace and forgiveness and to move forward. I have no choice, but to give it time. Thanks for listening.


They may actually be happier this way. What seems like a grudge to you may just be their wish to not step on each others' toes. Some people feel like there is a certain relationship they must have w/ relatives, others feel like if you don't get along w/ them, find people you do get along with. In any case, you didn't make this situation so don't let it weigh on you.

Of course it is ok to talk w/ your H when you like, and if any of them bring it up you can discuss it then.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

She should be happy that her brother has changed and be nice to you for being a good influence on him. She can’t let the past go and it’s her problem. Just ignore her and don’t expect anything better from her.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I'd let your husband carry the ball on this. They are his family - not yours. Someone needs to tell the sister to grow the hell up.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> I'd let your husband carry the ball on this. *They are his family - not yours.* Someone needs to tell the sister to grow the hell up.


Exactly. If he wants to fix it, he will.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

A lot of siblings don't get along. she's probably not going to be happy no matter whether he is unsuccessful or successful because either way she's going to have something to say about it. 

They've chosen not to have children, and nothing wrong with that. Just realize it means she's probably also not that interested in other people's children. She certainly may have a point if he's been cruel to insects and animals as a child. I have to side with her on that. 

You've done your best to be inclusive and she's just got to put a damper on things and so now that it's all sort of out the open I do think you should just avoid those two being together whenever possible. It's sibling rivalry. They probably both had their flaws as children. Now they bring it out in each other. Don't ever just stop being polite but don't be proactive and trying to contact or invite her to anything.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> You won't be able to cut her out entirely because she's family. But don't send go out of your way for her. If she does not say hello, then you two might just want to not say hello to her too. Just don't give her any room in your head.


I feel in the absence of kindness, be kind.

Transition that "room in your head" to compassion... people who hurt inside, hurt people, it's the nature of the suffering.

You don't have to be friends to be friendly, and that heart is the one you nourish.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> I feel in the absence of kindness, be kind.
> 
> Transition that "room in your head" to compassion... people who hurt inside, hurt people, it's the nature of the suffering.
> 
> You don't have to be friends to be friendly, and that heart is the one you nourish.


There are times when it doesn't pay to aspire to sainthood, EB. Sometimes you have to get down in the mud and roll around if for no other reason than to let your loved one know that you have their back.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> There are times when it doesn't pay to aspire to sainthood, EB. Sometimes you have to get down in the mud and roll around if for no other reason than to let your loved one know that you have their back.


It's not any sainthood my friend, it is simply not letting other's control your emotions.

If their action causes you to change the goodness in you, you have given them power.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> It's not any sainthood my friend, it is simply not letting other's control your emotions.
> 
> If their action causes you to change the goodness in you, you have given them power.


I agree with this. I'm friendly and gregarious. If someone doesn't say hello to me when I or they walk into a room (the example used here), that's not going to change the fact that I will still say hello to them. It's my nature to do so--to be friendly and acknowledge their presence. To not do so would be to change my personality and that wouldn't feel good. Not to say I haven't let others change me in a negative way. I have. But I feel better when I'm true to myself and don't let others' negativity make me change my course of how I do things. I cringe when I say the phrase "true to myself", but it really is how I feel.


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