# Guys, guys, guys



## [email protected] (Jan 30, 2012)

Can you please tell me why my husband thinks sex solves all problems?

WTH sex has the affect of a bandaid in my opinion it covers the hurt but doesn't heal it. He wants to have sex after every argument and boom its solved for him.

NOT ME THOUGH.....................

What the hell is wrong with him


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Well.. um... If he is like I was; Sex is also a relationship meter. It reassures him everything will be ok and helps him feel secure in the relationship. It is how he expresses he cares and loves you. He makes love. 

You see it as sex. That's ok too. You might just ask him to really think about what sex means to him and how he uses it. You need to do that too and figure out how you express those overwhelming feelings of love and desire for your man. Its an interesting conversation since both of you probably default and believe the other should be just like how you feel about it.


----------



## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

DISCLAIMER: Not saying this is the "right" behavior, I am just answering the why part.

Most (or many) men equate sex with an emotional connection with their wives. As a result, if we've had an argument, that's negative emotion. Sex (for men) is positive emotion. Minus 1, plus 1 = 0. Everything is better now.

So nothing's wrong with him, other than the fact that he's a man.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Sex is like a big rainstorm in New York. I washes all the trash off the sidewalk for a while until more gets thrown down


----------



## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

[email protected] said:


> Can you please tell me why my husband thinks sex solves all problems?
> 
> WTH sex has the affect of a bandaid in my opinion it covers the hurt but doesn't heal it. He wants to have sex after every argument and boom its solved for him.
> 
> ...


Is the sex better after an argument? He might like your angry sex.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

[email protected] said:


> Can you please tell me why my husband thinks sex solves all problems?
> 
> WTH sex has the affect of a bandaid in my opinion it covers the hurt but doesn't heal it. He wants to have sex after every argument and boom its solved for him.
> 
> ...


I am a woman that feels that way. GO figure.


----------



## [email protected] (Jan 30, 2012)

Lol good point ......


----------



## [email protected] (Jan 30, 2012)

Thanks so much I have read each post and its very insightful it is certainly helping me understand him more. And your right as a woman I think talking through a problem is the only resolve well him on the other hand maybe he feels as quite a few of you suggested sex equals harmony so if we are in disharmony we need to do something to get it back. (in his mind sex)

Its starting to make sense....


----------



## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

Men are most vulnerable emotionally just before, during and after sex. Sex makes us feel accepted, wanted and loved. For many years my wife rejected my sexual advances, it has practically destroyed my ego, self-esteem and my need to feel wanted, at least as far as our relationship goes. So your husband in my opinion as a man, he is normal, in his response to you.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

A man is like a linoleum floor

Lay him right and you can walk on him for 40 years.


----------



## Clark G (Sep 5, 2012)

Sex and physical touch is one way a guy feels loved but so do women in some cases. 

In my opinion and experience, you are right - sex doesn't solve the problems - marriages built on the foundation of sex never have lasted from what I see.

You may experience love through a different way - not physical so he has to understand that as well - but it sounds like if you speak to him via sex/touch he will be in the state you want him to be in to solve problems.

Joe


----------



## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

I have found that make up sex can help you put the anger away and create a good atmosphere for talking and solving problems...like Clark G has said.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Wow, looks like I'm in a similar situation, but it is my wife who reckons sex solves everything and that problems only come when I think too much (pffft)


----------



## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

For us it's not make up sex so much as "I (me) don't want to talk about it right now but I still love you and want to show you that and neither of us would not not have sex because we are mad." It's a deferral tactic, sometimes a good thing if it was a petty thing, not so good if it was a bigger deal.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The reverse is true as well. 

Over time, Women are able to differentiate between kindness inspired by love and kindness inspired by fear. And they almost universally find sleeping with a doormat to be a very unpleasant experience. 




Toffer said:


> A man is like a linoleum floor
> 
> Lay him right and you can walk on him for 40 years.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

As a man, life never feels more complete than when you are having sex with the woman you love, getting your own pleasure and giving her hers. The moment of climax is pretty much the happiest moment in life, every time (so long as I actually climax, if nothing happens it is pretty much the most anxious moment ever) In that moment happiness is a completely binary state in that you are either unsatisfied or satisfied, completely 100%.


----------



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

[email protected] said:


> Can you please tell me why my husband thinks sex solves all problems?
> 
> WTH sex has the affect of a bandaid in my opinion it covers the hurt but doesn't heal it. He wants to have sex after every argument and boom its solved for him.
> 
> ...


Why is it automatically "what the hell is wrong with HIM"?

Couldn't it equally be "what the hell is wrong with YOU"?

The tone of your post, and the way you frame your husband, is extremely telling in and of itself.


----------



## DangerousCurves (Jul 18, 2012)

Because make-up sex is AWESOME! lol

All jokes aside... I agree with Racer


----------



## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

do you ever go back and talk about it????

although mad/angry/make up sex is great, if you feel like you cant talk about issues, than its not great.

i try and bring things back up later in the week, maybe a month. enough time passes where i can put things into prospective and not get mad all over again, and i can go in with a light approach.

i can ask questions about what exactly went wrong and why both of us got so mad, so on and so forth.

i like sex after a fight. it gives a chance to cool down, connect..its like saying, "im upset now, its ok, i love you"...

it puts space between the fight, its puts better feelings out there, a reminder of sorts. but fights must be talked about, things have to be discussed and feelings have to be stated, with cooler heads.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I think it's as simple as from his point of view if you have sex with him it means you've forgiven him.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

In our marraige, we pretty much unload it all - if spirits are high at 1st, we get our wits about ourselves and own our own hand in the disagreement. 

I am surely more emotionaly charged over him in near everything....but he listens to my woes & irritations -he always gives me that. How IMPORTANT that is to a woman...we need listened too.... and well... MEN NEED SEX...(sometimes women talk too much & sometimes we make a mountain out of a molehill -I know I am guilty too! 

And yeah... the make up sex is .....well....the culmination that we are back in sinc, back in the saddle again, we still love each other like mad, and so what, we fight once in a while ! it's nothing new under the sun, just shows we are heartfully communicating....which is a good thing- beats being passive aggressive, that leads to building a wall of resentment. 

My husband has accused me of fighting with him Just to have *"make up sex*"....on a # of occassions, I am sure this makes me sound bad. ha ha 

I wouldn't say that was true, but I will say this....when you get your emotions roaring , even in anger, airing out your feelings, even hurt, madness, then come to an understanding with each other, a vulnerability in how much you accually NEED and want each other -this is INTENSE. ....this is ALWAYS our path anyway, only lasts an hour or 2 generally, then we're back to MUSH -and we always learn something of value by digging DEEP in each little fight we have. 

... it is like a soothing culmination of all things are now beautiful again, restored, I don't know, it is sure the best part of making up!!







.... Surpasses all words spoken in my book. He will still tell me he would rather not fight in the 1st place. But he wouldn't say he is against the make up sex by any means. 

I think only one time -we didn't have make up sex-after a fight that I recall....and I remember that being REALLY HARD on me . 

So he pretty much knows, if a fight ensues , we know how it is going to end. It is an ingrained habit now. 

I think it is cause when you get angry, your hormones get revved up to such a degree, we are in a little overdrive, even in the passion. I recall one time where I just felt I needed him like "AIR" afterwards, it was REALLY REALLY intense. I loved feeling like that. I think he had a great appreciation for it also! 


MIght start out like this














....then it goes to







....then to







to ....







to.....


----------



## Santa (May 31, 2012)

Its how we connect and feel emotionally bonded with you. 

For women its words. Men its sex. 

Accept this and embrace this, and 75% of issues will go away..


----------



## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

[email protected] said:


> Can you please tell me why my husband thinks sex solves all problems?
> 
> WTH sex has the affect of a bandaid in my opinion it covers the hurt but doesn't heal it. He wants to have sex after every argument and boom its solved for him.
> 
> ...


Old and antiquated truism ( still true, just old ): 

Women need to be given love so they want sex (from you), men feel loved when they get sex. 

So, if you give him sex, he feels like all the barriers and problems are solved. ( not that it in any way may actually be true) 

Similar thread: "Why does my husband want to see me naked?" 

Cause when she takes her clothes off (or lets you do it) he believes he's loved and wanted. 

Seriously, think about a young couple meeting and then dating. She won't let him touch, feel, see, or otherwise get fix on the "merchandise" until she's ready. When she pulls off the bra, he knows (thinks) he's now secure in the relationship.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

[email protected] said:


> Thanks so much I have read each post and its very insightful it is certainly helping me understand him more. And your right as a woman I think talking through a problem is the only resolve well him on the other hand maybe he feels as quite a few of you suggested sex equals harmony so if we are in disharmony we need to do something to get it back. (in his mind sex)
> 
> Its starting to make sense....


While sex will bring you back together after a conflict, it doesn’t actually solve the problem that led to the conflict in the first place. Problems that aren’t resolved lead to resentment. When resentment is in a marriage it leads to the withdrawal of loving actions, it’s like in comes resentment out goes love.


Over the longer time, the resentment builds up because problems aren’t being resolved, love is being withheld and eventually the marriage fails. The best way forward? Deny him sex until the problem is resolved or else one day you will find yourself looking at a mountain of resentment caused by unresolved, historical problems.



Try going on The Marriage Course - Explore the Marriage Course | Alpha USA to learn how to resolve conflicts in a healthy way among many other key things which create a healthy and happy marriage.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Santa said:


> Its how we connect and feel emotionally bonded with you.
> 
> For women its words. Men its sex.
> 
> Accept this and embrace this, and 75% of issues will go away..


For me it’s the wise man who addresses his wife’s emotional needs before his sexual needs are satisfied.


Leaving her emotional needs hanging in the air is not only totally ignoring and devaluing the very person she is, it’s also asking for serious trouble, not the least an emotional affair with another man who will listen to her, hear her out and commiserate with her. The very last thing a husband wants to happen is for his wife to say to another man “My husband doesn’t understand me” and have him, the soon to become OM, address her emotional needs.



Instead of going for sex as a solution for conflict, the husband should lead the way into resolving the conflict by addressing his wife’s needs. Most especially if she “Wants to talk!”.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

when my wife and i have make up sex, she is an unbelievable wild lover that does things she NEVER does at any other time. this confuses me even more. frankly, if we had that kind of sex more often we probably wouldnt fight. i asked her why she unleashes like that after a fight and shes says she doesnt know why. i would think a smart person would be able to reconcile this simple concept, better sex means better marriage, but she doesnt. and no this isnt about me because she has a fantastic time as well, another simple concept that i cannot understand her not grasping....sex is fun


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

To be honest, I find the best times to actually talk heart to heart with my wife -> is after sex. Hence I time my bombs nowadays hehe


----------

