# Bedroom Issues



## RaceTrack1975 (Jul 18, 2017)

I am at a loss and need some advice. Okay, so I'm 41 years old, have hypertension, am on two medicines to control that (one of this is KNOWN to cause erectile issues) and I drink now and again. My libido is low, so my wife and I aren't having sex often. This past Saturday night I initiated sex and for one reason or another I went soft. She kept talking to me the whole time about ways to turn me on, which only made me more and more anxious. The next day she sulked as if it were about her. Finally she said there must be an "underlying issue." I said, yes there are four:


41 years old
Hypertension
Medicines (one of this is KNOWN to cause erectile issues)
Occasional alcohol

But, by underlying issue she means things like loss of attraction to her, desire for someone else, use of porn/masturbation; in a nutshell something I can be morally condemned for. This makes me want sex less and certainly does not make me want to risk another episode. When I tell her those issues (age, health) she said, "You're not 60!" I counter that I'm not 20 either. I have suggested counseling in the past, but she won't go for it. So, I only see things remaining exactly the same. Help?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Take her with you to your next doctor appointment, and ask him to explain the effects of your medications and age. You can cut the alcohol, and should also have your testosterone checked. Are you fit? Working out may help to boost stamina and testosterone, and a better diet won't hurt if yours is lacking. It also sounds like a ball gag might be a useful accessory to try on her during sex.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

I have hypertension and one med gives me ED. But that's the only side effect and it works well on my BP. I sometimes think about trying different meds but they may have sexual and/or other side effects, plus who knows if they will work. So I just take ED meds. Granted my wife gets that it's the BP med and not her.

Also, have you had your testosterone levels checked, or at least looked into what the other symptoms of low T are? You really should talk to your doctor.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

your wife needs to get over this and be more supportive. that's the only way.
the alternative is, you both build resentment. the big 'R': no bueno!

the only thing i can suggest is to read through the sexual threads here and find examples just like yours.
there are many. either that or other sources that give examples of men struggling with ed.
and then share them with her.

this a fact. ed more often than not has nothing to do with attraction!
and her comment about the 'you're only 40, not 60' is bunk.

back a few years ago, i had sporadic ed after i got married (no bueno!). enough that i got myself on an ed forum and you know what surprised me most??
a significant percentage of the posters were young guys having issues with their girlfriends and just not getting it up or staying up.

she needs to educate herself and you need to somehow help her do that..............or else.


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## RaceTrack1975 (Jul 18, 2017)

Thanks guys, all good advice. Actually, I have had one testosterone screening and surprise, it was low. However, since then I have started lifting weights regularly and do regular cardio. I did finally realize that my diet was crap and have recently cut out things I don't need and started eating healthy foods. I also agree that I need more support and that she needs some education.

I may also need a new doctor as my current doctor seems content to treat my symptoms (hypertension) and move on to the next patient. :|


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## leon2100 (May 13, 2015)

Your last post shows you know how to solve the problem. 

"If you want to know what a person really wants to do, watch what they are doing now"


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## RaceTrack1975 (Jul 18, 2017)

leon2100 said:


> Your last post shows you know how to solve the problem.
> 
> "If you want to know what a person really wants to do, watch what they are doing now"


Good quote!


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Just a thought: Erectile dysfunction is not an issue if you perform oral sex on her. It's a method of physical intimacy that will allow her to "finish" without fear of you going soft...


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Edo Edo said:


> Just a thought: Erectile dysfunction is not an issue if you perform oral sex on her. It's a method of physical intimacy that will allow her to "finish" without fear of you going soft...


I think it would still be an issue. Many woman aren't fully satisfied without penetration so oral may only be the appetizer round.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

At some point in their lives almost all men will have ED. As long as he is willing to please her in other ways - oral, toys, etc, they should be able to continue to have a good sex life. 

Similarly if she is unable to have intercourse for some reason, she should be able to still please him in other ways


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Racetrack
Sounds to me as if you are plagued by some of the same issues that plagued me. I was extemely fat, over 325Lbs, heart patient, two heart attacks five years apart, used to smoke like a chimney, drank moderately, insulin dependent diabetic (type 2 due to my weight), diagnosed with moderate low T. In short, a mess, and to further complicate matters, most BP and cholesterol meds screw with your erections.

After my mom died, I really took myself in hand, first I found a really good internist, we reviewed my meds and I got myself into Weight Watchers and the gym. We messed around, a fair bit with my meds. Unfortunately, years of overweight and cigarettes took their toll, I will likely be insulin dependent for life. I also found that my erections would disappear midway through the act. I was put on Cialis.

Now, I am 195lbs, and am in the best shape of my life. My wife and I are 62, and to be frank, we are in a perfect storm: Cialis, combined with being empty-nesters, being senior employees at work, and having more leisure time means we are having more sex more often than when we were in our 20's.

Racetrack, make an appointment with your doctor, and bring your wife along. Get your meds adjusted and get on the purple pill or Cialis. They work.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

RaceTrack1975 said:


> I also agree that I need more support and that she needs some education.


I may not have the best advice, BUT I can give you a different point of view that may be helpful. If you are having intimacy problems and you wife wants to feel as if you are not attracted to her anymore and that you are exhausting your hormones needed to have intimacy with porn instead of choosing to be with her.... probably the LAST thing you want to do is give her an indication that SHE is the problem because you feel like she needs to be better educated on male sexuality. 

You would be better off to validate her feelings, even if they are not true so that at least she understands that you are trying to listen to her and understand how she feels. Then ask for her help and ask her to research male sexuality with you and perhaps go to the doctor with you as a way to "redirect" her attention towards how you feel and for her to learn more about you regarding the topic. 

At the moment here is what you have going on in terms of how you each "feel:"

SHE is wrong and will not listen to me.
HE is wrong and will not listen to me

Make it a point to break that cycle so that at least she knows you are listening to her and then redirect from there to get your point across.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Married but Happy said:


> I think it would still be an issue. Many woman aren't fully satisfied without penetration so oral may only be the appetizer round.



Possibly, but he won't know until he tries...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

How much are you using porn?

If my hb just had some trouble I could work with that. 

I could not work with him getting it up for porn but not me.


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## RaceTrack1975 (Jul 18, 2017)

Good point. No, I stay away from porn and all that. Who has time for it? But, you are very insightful about the cycle. Redirecting makes sense, thank you.


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## RaceTrack1975 (Jul 18, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> How much are you using porn?
> 
> If my hb just had some trouble I could work with that.
> 
> I could not work with him getting it up for porn but not me.


Now two people have asked this, so I must not have been clear. My issues I believe come from my age, medical history, medications and--not mentioned previously--sleep. Sleep is another area of conflict between my wife and me. I think I need more and she thinks I want to go to bed too early. Anyway, porn isn't the issue as I stay away from it.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

RaceTrack1975 said:


> Now two people have asked this, so I must not have been clear. My issues I believe come from my age, medical history, medications and--not mentioned previously--sleep. Sleep is another area of conflict between my wife and me. I think I need more and she thinks I want to go to bed too early. Anyway, porn isn't the issue as I stay away from it.




So.... mid 50's, very overweight myself. But I use porn to help with arousal. As we age, arousal and performance often decouple. A young man who is hard is always horny and a horny young man is hard. Older men can be aroused and not hard or hard but not aroused

I work out very hard a couple times a week. That probably helps too.

At 40 if you are experiencing ED then it is on you to address it. You have a good start but if it means dropping even more weight - and going off medicines that could be weight related - then embrace that aggressively.

I think you most likely can address this, but it's also important to keep the lines of communication open. Tell her how you are doing on your goals as you move toward them. Tell her it upsets you that she takes your physical problems personally to the point that you're working hard to address it. Let her know you can understand why she would feel that way, but the reality is that you have health issues

Re porn - if you can use it privately to gain arousal and then maintain that, I'd consider it. Otherwise it's not your friend as you have said you understand.

Btw there are pumps that can be used to cause physical erection but you don't sound like you're at that stage. C rings also to maintain an erection but not too tight or you'll cause damage (got both to make a clone for fun). If these things help others your confidence, though, I wouldn't hesitate to try them


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Print this A Woman's Guide To Erectile Dysfunction | Prevention and give it to your wife to read so she has a better understanding about ED.

Also, how are you reassuring your wife so her insecurities don't eclipse her better sense?

Don't shy away from ED meds. They work beautifully well! Your wife needs to understand that viagara won't cause you to grow erect without being aroused. So your erection while on viagara is due to your arousal at having sex with her and NOT a drug induced helpless reaction. Some women need to have that reassurance that even with meds, it is still her sexy ass causing the erection.

Lastly, let your wife SEE you taking better care of yourself so that your penis works more reliably. Let her see how important sex is to you.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Some women need to have that reassurance that even with meds, it is still her sexy ass causing the erection.


Very true. And for my wife at least, the reassurance needs to be ongoing.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I can't get over the large amount of misinformation about erectile dysfunction drugs. They do not cause the erection, they help it occur, and stay up. There is no causality link. I see plenty of men that let their health take a beating over the years, and by the time 50 rolls around, they are overweight, pre-diabetic, if not fully diabetic, well on their way to a heart attack or stroke, and do not pay attention to their body. An erection is a natural thing. If it is failing, there are deeper concerns, and we have to remember, the penis is a blood bag and relies on a circulatory system in order to work. If the circulatory system is distressed, you can be certain that there will be sexual side effects. My BF looked at me in wonderment, he said that he no longer gets erect, and he felt life was pretty much over. I told him, get on a diet, stop eating sh1t like you are still 18, and see the DR. Within a month, he was down ten pounds and the viagra was working. New lease on life time.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Women seem to always want to make ED the man's fault, never a medical issue. I think no matter how much you try to explain it to her and have a doctor confirm it, she will still think the same way, that your ED is the result of an affair, porn use or no attraction to her. You'll have to deal with the ED problem on your own because she'll slam you until you're "normal" again.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

jb02157 said:


> Women seem to always want to make ED the man's fault, never a medical issue. I think no matter how much you try to explain it to her and have a doctor confirm it, she will still think the same way, that your ED is the result of an affair, porn use or no attraction to her. You'll have to deal with the ED problem on your own because she'll slam you until you're "normal" again.


That doesn't seem to be the case on TAM. Whenever someone has mentioned a legitimate medical diagnosis of ED, the women seem rather supportive, and offer good advice as to how to deal with the issue. Without the presence of such a diagnosis, the natural inclination is to look at porn use as this is a well documented killer of male ability to perform with a real life partner. It may not always be the answer, but it is always a basic question to ask in such instances where no medical diagnosis exists.


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## TheMoon (Feb 3, 2016)

When you say low libido, how low?
How often are you initiating in a clear and assertive way?

My husband's ED was a much bigger deal to me when we had a low sex marriage.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

You are what 41? You are a man in your prime. STart taking better care of your self. You mention being on high blood pressure meds, is it one that causes you to pee alot. Because some of these meds causes excretion of salts you may need to supplement some of the vital minerals in your diet...such as zinc and magnesium. You dont need to pills, you can eat a diet rich in these foods as well as omega 3. This will help with some of your ED issues due to the HBP meds. 

My H is on one HBP med. He used to smoke alot up until last year and his job is super stressful. Every now and then he gets a incident of not being able to maintain an erection. When this first happen he was worried out of his mind. He loves having sex and is a 5 to 6X a week kinda guy. This freak him out and he told me, I have permission to divorce him and find someone to have sex with. Stupid man. 

I was worried it was me and did felt a bit insecure. YOu cant help but feel that way. Like Anon said, I want to know it's my ass that is causing that erection. I know for a fact it's not porn and he is not cheating. So, there must be a logical reason....and the only different thing was the med. I did some research and found out that those meds leaches the body of zinc and magnesium etc. So, I looked into food with those minerals and started putting them into his smoothies. They helped alot. Pumpkin seeds, hemp seeds, seasame, nuts etc

At 41 you are still young. If you are over weight start exerising it good for you blood pressure. Eat better. Start taking care of what you put in your body. If you dont take care of you noone will. And like some said over in the exerise movitation thread, you cant do anything when you are dead.


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## RaceTrack1975 (Jul 18, 2017)

Once again thanks for the advice. I am definitely trying to take better care of myself. I've been exercising for a while, though I took a bit of a break in the nutrition department. However, I am back at it. I think I'm supposed to weight between the upper 160s and the lower 180s and I'm 205. I think I'd look sick if I were in the 160s. ]

Actually, this episode Saturday night was the first time that had happened in a while, which is another reason her reaction was so upsetting. It isn't like this is an every time deal. However, being shamed over it like I was won't help.


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## RaceTrack1975 (Jul 18, 2017)

TheMoon said:


> When you say low libido, how low?
> How often are you initiating in a clear and assertive way?
> 
> My husband's ED was a much bigger deal to me when we had a low sex marriage.


Low enough that when our son has been a pill, our daughter has had a tantrum and it's 11 o'clock I would rather go to bed than try and initiate sex. This just seems to be the case a lot.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

On one hand, I kind of hate that she made your occasional ED about HER, but on the other it's very damaging for a woman to experience ED. My husband went soft(ish) ONCE and I was terrified to have sex with him again for fear it'd be an issue. I racked my brain on how to approach our next session because I didn't want to appear too understanding (that can be annoying), or too nonchalant (that can also be annoying). Even now I'm still nervous that he's soft (or not rock hard) ALL the time, even though it hasn't even happened again.

In OUR situation, it was best to not mention it. EVER. If it happens more than once, obviously, we'll have to discuss it, but don't be afraid to tell your wife how you want her to respond if he happens again. If her trying too hard to get you going again actually makes you more unlikely to rise then tell her this. Maybe you just need to pull back and have a makeout session? The penis has a lot of pressure. It's ridiculous what he's expected to do.

I agree with the PP: Bring her with you to your next appointment. SHe NEEDS to hear from a professional that it is what it is and WHY.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Not to threadjack but you ladies that take this personally - realize that s guy can be aroused and not hard and that's common in men 50s and above. So don't assume dat ass isn't turning him on just because he isn't hard.

I often stay in the bathroom a little and watch a little porn and maybe help a little just so my delicate flower isn't anxious. I realize women can be as in their heads as guys in this regard.

Anyway please understand and assume he's into you even if he isn't hard and you can still work your magic with your hands and mouth.
[edit: and vice versa  ]

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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Not to threadjack but you ladies that take this personally - realize that s guy can be aroused and not hard and that's common in men 50s and above. So don't assume dat ass isn't turning him on just because he isn't hard.
> 
> I often stay in the bathroom a little and watch a little porn and maybe help a little just so my delicate flower isn't anxious. I realize women can be as in their heads as guys in this regard.
> 
> ...



This is very true. But women tend to be terribly neurotic about this. In my sitch, my husbands only version of reassurance was "it's not you." Well damn I feel totally validated by that!


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## AussieRN (Mar 28, 2013)

Would perhaps an adjustable ring help you to keep it hard/harder?


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## RaceTrack1975 (Jul 18, 2017)

Headed to the doctor Friday. Going to see if there might be some other meds I could try. I'll suggest checking my t-levels.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

In the meantime don't forget that there are many fun things that can be done without an errect penis. 

My girlfriend group is at the age where many are going through this issue with their husband and it is much more of a problem if it's assumed that the man's drive, erection, and finishing time dictates the events. 
TBH I think I have a hard time getting out of that mindset myself. It's kind of ingrained into us. 

Give standalone oral, finish her after if he finished first, and if your penis isn't cooperating, do something else fun. Use toys and oral, fingers, etc. 
It'll hopefully be much less of a big deal for her which will help get over the stress and mental aspects of it. If it comes back from stimulating her then you can get back in there 😊


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## ilovemywife38d (Jul 31, 2017)

I have the same issue not staying hard it is very embarrassing I have high blood pressure and I do take meds but the doc also prescribe me Viagra wow what a difference my wife will ask me to take the pill she love how it works. Just a thought if it wasn't for that our sex would be no fun


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## Jason Bourne (Jul 30, 2017)

Identical issues as you do.
Exercise, cut out proccessed sugars, and definitelly speak to a doc about the meds. 
And no crappy Viagra and more BS


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