# This No Contact is killing me!



## Plasty (Sep 29, 2013)

13 days ago. She walked out after just 5 months. Saying I didn't give her enough love attention etc. Says she loves me so much, all of me, but cant be in love with a person that cant give her what she needs. I was very loving but she requires alot. She moved back to her parents house (never lived alone). She is very very dependent upon them. She may be happier there than living with me.

After a frantic texts that day of move out and a 2 emails of sincere apology, one contact with her dad (backfired as she got very very angry with me and sent the I hate you, I dont miss you etc text) I went No Contact. None. Now its 8 days. It is absolutely killing me! I just want to reach out and say Hi or how are you or anything to see if she will in any way contact me. She is very needy for love, mine in the past. No other male possible. She spends her days with her mother and nephews, etc.

What should I do!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The two of you dated for only 5 months? How long did you date before you moved in together?

How old are the two of you.

She clearly wants to end the relationship. So the only thing you can do is to get busy and move on. Get a new hobby. Get busy.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Plasty said:


> 13 days ago. She walked out after just 5 months. Saying I didn't give her enough love attention etc. Says she loves me so much, all of me, but cant be in love with a person that cant give her what she needs. I was very loving but she requires alot. She moved back to her parents house (never lived alone). She is very very dependent upon them. She may be happier there than living with me.
> 
> After a frantic texts that day of move out and a 2 emails of sincere apology, one contact with her dad (backfired as she got very very angry with me and sent the I hate you, I dont miss you etc text) I went No Contact. None. Now its 8 days. It is absolutely killing me! I just want to reach out and say Hi or how are you or anything to see if she will in any way contact me. She is very needy for love, mine in the past. No other male possible. She spends her days with her mother and nephews, etc.
> 
> What should I do!


I know it's difficult, and it's pretty hypocritical of me to say this - but *stay strong.* 

I get that you want her back - I'm in the same place as you, I'd love to get my wife back. But the reality is this:

*Nothing* you can say will bring her back. So why say anything? The only person that can change your wife's mind, is your wife. 

Take care of yourself, stop focusing on her (hypocrisy again...). Show her that you're strong and independent. Be an Alpha male, get in the mindset. She may well find that extremely attractive, and she may come back. Or, she won't and she won't come back.

But guess what? If you work on yourself, focus on you, whatever the outcome, you'll be okay.

Do things that make you happy. Spend some time getting in touch with yourself. Evaluate and recognise your faults and make the effort to correct them, not for her or to win her back, but do it for you to make you a better and stronger person in the future. If you're wife comes back, she'll love the new you, if she doesn't, you'll love the new you, and another woman will. Maybe even some men too. :lol:

But if you don't make the changes for yourself, then you'll slide back right to where you are now, and not to be harsh but I don't know how to sugar coat this:

Something was obviously wrong with your marriage, else you wouldn't be here. If you go back to that again, this will happen all over again, and all you will have done is delayed and intensified your heartbreak. Don't look at it as "getting back together" look at it as improving yourself, and then if you still feel the need to try and work things out with her, start over, create something new and improved.

This is what I wanted to do with my wife, however she just really isn't interested, and it's her loss, and some other lucky woman's gain.

It really is a win-win situation for you if you think about it. 

Love breeds love, if you learn to love yourself, then love will come to you.


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## Plasty (Sep 29, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> The two of you dated for only 5 months? How long did you date before you moved in together?
> 
> How old are the two of you.
> 
> She clearly wants to end the relationship. So the only thing you can do is to get busy and move on. Get a new hobby. Get busy.


We dated for 3 years, knew each other for 5. But the move out of her parents home at 26 y.o. was very difficult and stress built leading to arguing and simply not fulfilling the empty vessel left by her mother and father. I would spend 2-3 times a week with the parents just to satisfy her needs. But when at our home, she felt I didn't give her enough cuddle, love, hugs, etc. although I did and then some.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Out of the blue, my WAW told me last Thursday that she wants to get back together. It took her 14 months to flip-flop.

Timeframes are imposssible to predict.

Stretch


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## 2005tahoe (Aug 23, 2013)

Stretch said:


> Out of the blue, my WAW told me last Thursday that she wants to get back together. It took her 14 months to flip-flop.
> 
> Timeframes are imposssible to predict.
> 
> Stretch


I am still holding out hope for my WAW to come back. No communication since she left 4.5 months ago. I reconize my faults and I am working on them now.

I have told her before that I dont give up on any challenge that I face, I have always been like that.

Just give her time and space, whatever you do now will just push her further away.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Are you in MC? Why are you using no contact? Did she have an affair? That is what that is for.

The point of a 180 is for you to start living in a different manner. If you have been cold and distant, it is to learn to start to be a caring and present person. If you have been needy and dependent, it is for you to start learning some indpendence and self-worth. If you have been isolated, it is to make friends. Etc.

You have went no contact... but why? It seems to me that that is only going to reinforce her perception of you as an unloving and uncaring person. No contact is for specific times and purposes of a separation. It is not clear to me why you would do that right now. 

On the other hand, begging and pleading is not the way to go.

Get to an MC right away.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Plasty... My H who I was with for five years ended things with me five months ago. At that time I didn't fully understand why he left me, we were having problems and he was distant, very stressed and snappy with me. Anyway after two months I saw on his Facebook a photo of him and the OW he started seeing (I later found out he starting seeing her two weeks after he ended things).

I completely understand how you are feeling about the no contact thing, I found it so hard and even now at times it's tempting to call and text my H. After he ended things all I wanted to do was call and text him, tell him I love him and missed him. But since he was the one who ended things he wouldn't want to know if I contacted him. It was so hard the first few weeks I was so upset, depressed and sometimes felt suicidal. 

But I took everyone's advice on here, I didn't contact him and I focused on me and my life. Keep yourself busy, go out and see and meet new people, keep your friends around you. It isn't easy I'm not going to pretend that you will feel back to normal bier night, but think about yourself you have to keep going on because it's your life, don't waste it.

You never know she might realise she has made a mistake and contact you but try not to place too much hope on this. What happened to me is after I saw my H's new photo with the OW I sent him an angry message and then he contacted me. Over the past five months since he left me we have had on and off contact (you can check my thread it's pretty long but if you read it you will see the change in my posts) I am still in the process of getting over it all so don't be hard on yourself because it will take time. It has been five months since he ended things but I have noticed the progress I have made. 

Some days you will feel really low but other days you will be motivated to get your life on track. Just take each day as it comes and don't pressure yourself. I'm not sure if your situation is similar to mine but if it is no contact will help because begging and pleading won't get you far. But you know if you feel that things haven't got to the point of no contact then maybe it's worth trying to make a time to go and see her and just talk to her calmly.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Juicy said:


> Some days you will feel really low but other days you will be motivated to get your life on track. Just take each day as it comes and don't pressure yourself. I'm not sure if your situation is similar to mine but if it is no contact will help because begging and pleading won't get you far. *But you know if you feel that things haven't got to the point of no contact then maybe it's worth trying to make a time to go and see her and just talk to her calmly*.


Begging and pleading will drive her away. Women do not find that attractive. Desperate and needy is not a good look for us men, we need to be, well, men.

The only way it would be worth you trying to talk things out with your wife, is if you *both* want to try and work on your marriage. If your wife is done, but you want to work on the marriage, you'll just be opening yourself up for more pain. Believe me - I learned this the hard way. It can't be a one-sided effort.

If this is the case, as painful as no contact is, it's your only option to heal. It's difficult, it's very difficult, and it hurts and it drives you crazy, but it gets easier.

Think of it as pulling a tooth to remove the source of a toothache.

Stay strong, and hold your head high.


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## "joe" (Aug 19, 2013)

Stretch said:


> Out of the blue, my WAW told me last Thursday that she wants to get back together. It took her 14 months to flip-flop.
> 
> Timeframes are imposssible to predict.
> 
> Stretch


14 months! my W is gone 14 weeks, keeps saying she's "confused."
the day she left, i thought she was clean gone. so maybe not yet ...


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

"joe" said:


> 14 months! my W is gone 14 weeks, keeps saying she's "confused."
> the day she left, i thought she was clean gone. so maybe not yet ...


My WAW said this.

It's possibly one of the cruelest and most unfair things they can say. 

Let me translate for you:

"I'm confused."

Means

"I want you to wait around for me, stuck in a constant state of limbo and heartache, just in case my new life doesn't quite pan out. If that happens I'll come back to you, my plan B."

Don't be anyone's plan B.

If she's "confused" the worst thing you can do is try to convince her. It will make you look manipulative and controlling. The best thing to do is to respect her decision, and go no contact. Start doing the 180. This will do one of two things. Potentially both.

A.) You'll get your life back on track, and learn lessons that put you in a better situation for the future.

B.) Your wife may find this extremely attractive, and it may help her with her "confusion" - This one is a slim chance though, in all honesty.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Google married man sex life primer blog. There are also two books. The author is a TAM member. It sounds like s sex manual but in rality it is how to be attractive to women and keep them.

There is an amazon link to mmslp below. Good luck but I wonder if your wife just doesn't want to grow up. Her excuses seem extremely flimsy.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What did her dad have to say?


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## "joe" (Aug 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> My WAW said this.
> 
> It's possibly one of the cruelest and most unfair things they can say.


yes it is



WantWifeBack said:


> "I'm confused."
> 
> Means
> 
> "I want you to wait around for me, stuck in a constant state of limbo and heartache, just in case my new life doesn't quite pan out. If that happens I'll come back to you, my plan B."


i've already told her i won't be here forever. i've got a lawyer and she knows it. in fact i've filed, and i don't think she knows it, but she will when she's served.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Stretch said:


> Out of the blue, my WAW told me last Thursday that she wants to get back together. It took her 14 months to flip-flop.
> 
> Timeframes are imposssible to predict.
> 
> Stretch


What did you tell her?


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

She did you a favor. She is a child. Move on to a woman.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

I got this said:


> She did you a favor. She is a child. Move on to a woman.


This. 

Emotionally immature people aren't ready for marriage.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Conrad said:


> What did you tell her?


Sorry for the delayed response I just saw the question.

I told her that I needed some time to figure some things out. I have an emotional love for my wife, but I realized that I have lost the physical attraction to her.

After a week of discussions with my pastor, IC and several close friends, I met her for lunch yesterday and told her we could not try to figure things out right now because I know it would fail.

I feel an obligation to the promise I made 23 years ago (which everybody says has already been eliminated. I don't agree but I will not decide on that alone) but I will not sacrifice my happiness for what will be a failed attempt to R.

She was clearly crushed, which I find no pleasure in surprisingly. I told her I did not feel this was the end of our story together but we would not be attempting R right now.

Stretch


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Stretch said:


> Sorry for the delayed response I just saw the question.
> 
> I told her that I needed some time to figure some things out. I have an emotional love for my wife, but I realized that I have lost the physical attraction to her.
> 
> ...


Kudos - that must have taken a massive amount of strength. I guess it just goes to show what time can do for you .


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