# My Sexuality is a "Weapon"



## Julie19 (Jun 5, 2010)

Hello All,

Relationships are definitely complicated among us humans, and here is the point of complexity I am struggling with.

How do I use my sexuality as a way to emotionally connect with my husband and NOT bludgeon his ego with it during sex? 

My husband claims that I do not really understand his ego. When I am not emotionally available during sex, it is a form of rejection to him, and a blow to his ego. Yes, I understand that. So, I have tried to make adjustments...I like sex, too, and want to feel emotionally connected and not like it is a chore or act like (subconsciously) I use it to punish him for not meeting my expectations outside the bedroom.

But, apparently, what I have done is not working when he initiates sex. If I know that I can not be emotionally available or if I'm just too tired to have fun with sex and say, "I am just not available right now," it is a rejection and a blow to his ego. If I am not there, but really WANT to get there and take the tack of "acting myself into a way of feeling" (or, fake it til you make it), it is seen as not genuine interest and, indeed, being used (or "emotionally raped" as he said once), and rejection and a bludgeoning of his ego. He recognizes that I am creative person. I feel if I am not creative in sex or in initiating sex, it demonstrates low interest and attraction, and thus a stab to his ego. (I was sheltered Baptist virgin when we met...I didn't even know where to start.)

Last note, I am starting here because he strongly suggested that I need to "learn about the male ego." But, he did say that in the rest of our relationship, I contribute to his well-being. So, maybe it's the woman's sexual power (weapon) on the male ego I need to understand. The last thing on earth I want to do is wound my husband's ego and cause him unhappiness, but I seem to be failing almost everytime he initiates sex (his perception). Each of us is almost to the point of "What's the point of being married?" Probably me more than he, because (yet again it seems) it is up to me to fix, and the Law of Diminishing Returns is starting to kick in. 

So again, how do I use my sexuality as a way to emotionally connect with my husband and NOT bludgeon his ego with it during sex? What is important for a wife to know about her husband's male ego?

Thank you, Thank you!!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

This all seems a bit ambiguous. 

So is his message simply a request for more enthusiasm out of you?

His ego is his problem, not yours - but I get the sense the damage is a pre-existing condition, which maybe you contributed to.

I'd rather have no sex than sympathy sex, but it doesn't sound like thats what you are doing, or is it?

What exactly is it that he wants from you?

Maybe the more important question is, what exactly do you want from him?

How often are you having sex, and how often are you into it?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Julie19 said:


> (I was sheltered Baptist virgin when we met...I didn't even know where to start.)


 Since you mentioned this, I have to jump on it. Do you feel your strict religious background is holding you back mentally ? Do you feel UNEDUCATED about sex, it's role in a happy fullfilling marraige, do you look at some forms of sex as "dirty"?

If you answered YES to any of these, please buy this book & read it from Cover to Cover: Amazon.com: Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage (9780842360241): Kevin Leman: Books (this is a Christian based book, I found it to be excellent, wish I had it back in the day)

I allowed religious hangups to repress me sexually for many many years in my own marraige. I was always quiet, we didn't talk about anything sexual, the lights had to be out, I felt lingerie was too "stripper like" & forbidden, I looked at Oral as dirty, etc. I SOOOO regret these things, I feel I was uneducated about how a man feels, what he needs, MY role as a wife in deeply fullfilling his needs as a husband. I took these things for granted. My husband ended up feeling rejected for many years. 

I only wish I had the knowledge I have NOW -back then, I think it would have changed everything, so this is why I recommend THIS book for you. Here is another, NOT Chrisitan, but so good! http://www.amazon.com/Passionista-E...1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1291586693&sr=1-1-spell


But yes, men DESIRE our enthusiam more than words can express. If you are lacking in this area, you will need to explore what "lights your fire" /arouses you. Doesn't it make you feel wonderful inside , all tingly when your husband is "desiring" you ? I think guys want this from their wives more than anything else in life, even a good cooked meal. 

How is the communication between the 2 of you?


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## Julie19 (Jun 5, 2010)

Deejo said:


> This all seems a bit ambiguous.
> 
> It feels ambiguous.
> 
> ...


About once a week. When I initiate, I am into it, sometimes with greater enthusiasm than others or for different reasons. When he initiates, it is hit or miss with me, depending on my physical, emotional and mental energy levels.


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## Julie19 (Jun 5, 2010)

@SimplyAmorous

I percieve a theme in your post that resonates with me...empowerment. I just ordered Passionista as it caught my eye a few months ago. Thanks for the reminder and your questions.

To answer a couple of your questions, I really want to have a great sex life and know that it is natural, personal and not inherently dirty. I have, with a LOT of courage, spoken up for what I would like my H to do to turn me on. He has not made the effort (forgotten?) and even refused. I have not had further courage to bring them up again...I feel disempowered. Do I feel tingly when I know he desires me? Yes, when it is in response to my obvious initiations (I need to experiment with the subtle ones to make them more apparent). No (often, but not always), when he initiates. Instead, I feel fear that I'm going to mess it up, kill the moment, have an emotional meltdown (I have been experiencing some depression over the last few years, I realized not very long ago). Sometimes I can master the fear, sometimes it self-fulfills and crash and burn.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Frustration is the result of expecting one thing and getting something else. Both of you are feeling that. Understand that your expectations and his were formed during childhood and have very little to do with reality or each other. Words like "rape" and "bludgeon" indicate a high level of resentment. Sex is a giving, nurturing act and those feelings are not compatible with resentment. Seems to me you both have to forgive each other, dump the resentment, and each of you focus your priorities on pleasing your partner. If both of you do that, each of you gets what they need. You mentioned you were raised Baptist. If you still hold to that belief system, then you know that your body is not your's, but your husband's and his body is not his, but your's. Viewed in this light, getting what you want isn't your problem but his. All you have to concentrate on is meeting his needs. If you harbor resentment toward him, it'll feel like an unpleasant chore. 
I think most of the time, when a guy says he want's sex, he's really asking for intimacy and caring and that can manifest in many different ways. Face it, he can get hmself off. He can't comfort or nurture himself. Understanding his ego is fine, but he also needs to understand that 99% of making love occurs outside the bedroom and if wants water from the well, he's gonna have to learn how to prime the pump. You can't go all day being hostile or indifferent to your spouse and think your partner will be hot to trot when you go to bed. We aren't machines equipped with an "on" or "off" switch. In order to be ready for love making, you both have to feel loved, respected, and you have to both trust your partner. That stuff is built outside the bedroom. I'd suggest that he get into the habit of hugging and kissing you frequently in non-sexual ways, talking and really listening to you, getting to know and accept why you "are" the way you are. There is no bad guy here and there is no right or wrong. There are only two people who expect different things, who have different baggage, and have different needs. If you learn what he needs and he learns what you need and you both strive to accomodate each other, both of you will be taken care of.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

So we have a couple of factors here.

You feel insecure and emotionally unsafe around sex to some degree, possibly from your religious background. You feel he is not willing to be helpful and affirming in this area.

He would like a better lover emotionally and physically. He wants you to be pretty much perfectly available and interested in sex for every single time he initiates. He feels even ONE instance of not being present or declining is a significant blow to his ego. He equates gift sex with rape. 

You have expressed to him things that you would like. He has either ignored or declined to act on these things.

In my opinion, he is taking advantage, likely unknowingly, of your lack of experience and making what is a marital problem into YOUR problem. I think telling you that you need to go understand the male ego is the wrong path. 

In my opinion, you are at a marital crossroads that may wind up defining your marriage for years to come. You can choose to kind of brush this under the rug, try and please him and keep quiet about your needs. That is likely the easiest path.

Or you can choose to use more of that courage and make this an issue thaat needs to be resolved. You need to learn what and how to please him, indeed. And he needs to help you with that. Not telling you to go learn about the "male ego." He also needs to learn to self sooth his ego. He needs to learn how to help you feel safe and affirmed so that you both can explore your sexuality together.

I would bet a dollar that he is ALSO insecure about sex and thus does not want to talk about it or deal directly with it. He wants YOU to go become something he wants. He has to understand that telling you all the ways you failed is not going to motivate you.

Marriagebuilders is a good place to start. You can learn about each others love languages and make sure you are making deposits in the love bank outside of the bedroom as well as not making withdrawals. That context of a happy, loving place can help you to feel close enough to each other to risk the conversations that need to follow.

Good luck!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

unbelievable makes me think of something else. "Passionate Marriage" by Schnark is a great book.


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## Julie19 (Jun 5, 2010)

Thanks, all. Good points.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Julie19 said:


> To answer a couple of your questions, I really want to have a great sex life and know that it is natural, personal and not inherently dirty. I have, with a LOT of courage, spoken up for what I would like my H to do to turn me on. He has not made the effort (forgotten?) and even refused. I have not had further courage to bring them up again...I feel disempowered. Do I feel tingly when I know he desires me? Yes, when it is in response to my obvious initiations (I need to experiment with the subtle ones to make them more apparent). No (often, but not always), when he initiates. Instead, I feel fear that I'm going to mess it up, kill the moment, have an emotional meltdown (I have been experiencing some depression over the last few years, I realized not very long ago). Sometimes I can master the fear, sometimes it self-fulfills and crash and burn.


I admire your introspection. Sounds like your husband could use some help on the introspection front. If you have been kind enough to give him a roadmap as to what actions he can take to turn you on, and he simply hasn't ... well, that's more than a little misguided. Dude flat out isn't paying attention.

Do you masturbate? I often encourage this because it worked pretty well for my ex and I when we were looking for a way out of the woods. It's a shallow end means of allowing you to excite yourself on your terms, and then invite him to the party ... or not.


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## Julie19 (Jun 5, 2010)

Deejo said:


> I admire your introspection. Sounds like your husband could use some help on the introspection front. If you have been kind enough to give him a roadmap as to what actions he can take to turn you on, and he simply hasn't ... well, that's more than a little misguided. Dude flat out isn't paying attention.
> 
> Do you masturbate? I often encourage this because it worked pretty well for my ex and I when we were looking for a way out of the woods. It's a shallow end means of allowing you to excite yourself on your terms, and then invite him to the party ... or not.


Thanks for the validation, Deejo. I may just need to be more specific with him, like, "Hey, I haven't worn this sexy red dress in a while. What do you say about picking a nice place for this weekend's dinner out where I can wear it?" Rather than, "Hey, I admire your creativity and would really get turned on if you applied that creativity to some romance...I'd really go for that." 

BTW, I had a really bad weekend when I submitted this post, so I appreciate the chance to vent and hear others tell me what I already am trying to believe...I am not THE problem. My husband is a brilliant and stubborn man. I think there is no problem with his introspection. I believe that he loves me and in a lot of ways he shows me (according to his formulae...part of the frustration). Although I have ideas, I won't speculate here as to why he has a problem meeting my requests.

For your question, I will say that I have felt a LOT better about taking care of and understanding my own physical needs since I gave up my religious indoctrination. More than that, well, we just met, you know...so much information on a first post...


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