# Need to know ways to save my marriage



## Anandi

I married my husband 2 years back, after dating him for 6 years. We do not have kids yet.

My in-laws went through a divorce when my husband was very young. My mother-in-law is a self obsessed person who does not care for her children till date! Spending most of his childhood unhappy and neglected, my husband has some habits/behaviors which are bad and unacceptable.

First, he has the "I don't care" attitude for most things including his job. Due to which, his colleagues do not like him much. He is very intelligent and efficient (probably the reasons why he did not lose his job!). He hardly has any friends. Second, he has the habit of unnecessary fault finding in every possible thing (be it a person or a movie or any food). He is an attention seeker and can go to any extent to get the attention. He gets very VERY defensive if anyone criticizes him.

I have learnt to overlook such habits as much as possible. But somewhere I feel I need to make him realize what is good for him. 

He does things for me, takes care of me. But often, he likes to compare how much he does for me and what I do for him. 

I have seen good things in him in the last 8 years. Probably I am the only person for whom he matters and he is very well aware of that. I wish to have a successful marriage but I just do not know how to make that happen. Every morning I wake up thinking that things will start changing for good. But that never happens..

Please help understand how do I communicate with him and handle things. Any habit that I could built in myself, that could make things better.

Thanks,
Anandi


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## PBear

I'm not sure what needs saving. It sounds like he's got some quirks, but many people do. And if he doesn't want to be nice to other people but is nice to you, why are you trying to change him?

C


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## John-agape

Hi Anandi. Have you considered if your husband has Attachment Disorder? Or at least some degree of it as a cause for his behaviour and attitudes.

At the age of 6 months to about 2 years old the child attaches to a parent or main care giver. If this does not happen, the child struggles through childhood trying to compensate and cope with something missing emotionally.

Attachment happens at that early age, but the problems caused by a lack of attachment remain throughout life, unless the person gets therapy. There is good therapy that can help.

I'd suggest you take a look at the symptoms of attachment disorder and see if some fit your husband.

It sounds like there is an underlying cause for his attitude.


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## appletree

Unfortunately you cannot change your husband you can change only yourself. He has to do something given his background. Counseling maybe, meditations helps too and is cheap.


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## 66impala

Run away from him. You just described me, after 18yrs of marriage I decided to go to a ACA meeting to see what makes me the way I am. That was 6yrs ago, Meetings put some things into perspective for me, but that doesnt change the fact that I am still the same core person. Looking back I think that my wife and kids would of been better off without me.


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## DoF

It seems like you are looking for perfection OP. 

Unfortunately, there is no such a thing. Issues you pointed out are not all that big of a deal.

I guess you have to determine if they are deal breakers for you.


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## Coffee Amore

Anandi said:


> I married my husband 2 years back, after dating him for 6 years. We do not have kids yet.


Did you ignore his issues back then and think he would magically change after marriage? I'm not being sarcastic. I just wonder why you would marry him because in six years you surely saw his quirks. You chose to marry him despite that. It's not as if he did a bait and switch presenting himself one way then turning out to be something else later on.




Anandi said:


> First, he has the "I don't care" attitude for most things including his job. Due to which, his colleagues do not like him much. He is very intelligent and efficient (probably the reasons why he did not lose his job!). He hardly has any friends. Second, he has the habit of unnecessary fault finding in every possible thing (be it a person or a movie or any food). He is an attention seeker and can go to any extent to get the attention. He gets very VERY defensive if anyone criticizes him.
> 
> I have learnt to overlook such habits as much as possible. But somewhere I feel I need to make him realize what is good for him.


Only he can change himself and only if he wants to. All the nagging, begging, bargaining in the world won't do it. He must find within himself a strong enough motivator to change his behavior. It's daunting though. These sound like deep, lifelong personality quirks of his. It's not like getting him to put the toilet seat down. 



Anandi said:


> He does things for me, takes care of me. But often, he likes to compare how much he does for me and what I do for him.
> 
> I have seen good things in him in the last 8 years. Probably I am the only person for whom he matters and he is very well aware of that. I wish to have a successful marriage but I just do not know how to make that happen. Every morning I wake up thinking that things will start changing for good. But that never happens..
> 
> Please help understand how do I communicate with him and handle things. Any habit that I could built in myself, that could make things better.
> 
> Thanks,
> Anandi


Perhaps you should read some of the more commonly recommended marriage books like His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Harley or The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman or Love Busters also by Dr. Harley. Take some action. Hoping and wishing aren't a plan of action. I would read those marriage books then find a time to talk to him, but again he has to be receptive to change. When I wanted to change some issues in my marriage, I read those three books. My husband wasn't interested in reading marriage self-help books, but he was willing to hear me talk about the principles and he was willing to implement them. By doing that our marriage went from good to great.


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## JerryB

DoF said:


> It seems like you are looking for perfection OP.
> 
> Unfortunately, there is no such a thing. Issues you pointed out are not all that big of a deal.


Really? 
Maybe I read more into this. I assumed that anyone willing to find this site is having REAL issues in their life.

To be honest, it sounds like your husband is an ass. And not having friends, is usually a symptom of being an ass.

If I was in your shoes, I'd probably call him out each time he puts someone down. (Including you!). Such as, "Why do you always have to put people down?" "Why do you always have to criticize movies? What better movies have you created?"

Usually people who act this way (I'm drawing on my own actions) are people who are afraid of their own flaws, self-worth, and toxic shame. They are projecting. It might reel him in. I know it helped me. Sometimes our mouths go on autopilot, and we don't consider other people's feelings.

At least calling him out on it will set up a pattern for him, and maybe start a conversation. Having spouses talk to each other is usually a good thing.


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