# I love you but... I'm not in love with you



## submike (Oct 17, 2012)

Well, I'm not sure really where to start. My wife of 23 years has said that for the last 6+ years she has not been happy and has no desire to be with me. She says I'm a great guy but there is just no passion. Basically for the last 6 years she has been faking it. she says that she has stayed out of duty to me and our children (one son is 23 and the other daughter is 14) We have been to two MC sessions and tonight was not very good. I was being honest about my feelings and she got pissed. She keeps saying that she does not see any way back because she has had these feelings for so long. It just seems like to me she has given up, however she will not even mention the word divorce. seems like she is trying to push my buttons so I will file.
I love her but I am getting tired of feeling like a mouse on a wheel chasing her love. I am confused and need advice.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

First stop chasing her. Second stop chasing her. It makes you look weak and disgust her. 

Six years is a long time. Why haven't you noticed? What does she say the reasons are?


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

submike said:


> Well, I'm not sure really where to start. My wife of 23 years has said that for the last 6+ years she has not been happy and has no desire to be with me. She says I'm a great guy but there is just no passion. Basically for the last 6 years she has been faking it. she says that she has stayed out of duty to me and our children (one son is 23 and the other daughter is 14) We have been to two MC sessions and tonight was not very good. I was being honest about my feelings and she got pissed. She keeps saying that she does not see any way back because she has had these feelings for so long. It just seems like to me she has given up, however she will not even mention the word divorce. seems like she is trying to push my buttons so I will file.
> I love her but I am getting tired of feeling like a mouse on a wheel chasing her love. I am confused and need advice.


*You stop chasing her and you start going to the gym. You need to start working on you.*


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Physically, are you attractive? If not that could be the reason she no longer loves you. The other being she fell in love with another man.


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## submike (Oct 17, 2012)

Why haven't I noticed. Well thats a tough one, according to my wife she has been faking it. I'm still trying to figure out why I have been clueless, maybe thick headed is a better answer. Her reasons are "I don't know", it's been so long now.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Two posibilities:

1 - She has checked out of the marriage and it may be impossinle for her to return

2 - There's someone else in the background


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## submike (Oct 17, 2012)

Toffer, do not believe there is anyone else, I do believe she is done.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Time to start working on improving you. Don't concern yourself with what she is doing. It sounds counter productive, but you willing to accept that your marriage may end in order to save it. Do not discus the relationship with her unless she ask. 

You haven't explained what type of relationship you had. What type of personality do you have? How did you and your W interact as a couple?


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## submike (Oct 17, 2012)

We interacted like a married couple, what I mean is we talked about kids, house, cars etc... We have never really talked about the personal stuff and I mean the real personal stuff. She is not a big sharer of emotions or I am deaf to what she is saying, I think it's a little of each. I don't think i am controlling, I never ask where she is going what she spends money on etc. I've really been second guessing myself this last 3 months as far as my personality goes... right now I'm just in a negative place and need to claw my way out.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Romance? Intimacy? None?


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## Tom16 (Sep 27, 2012)

I'm going thru a similar situation. My wife of 16 years says she's been unhappy for a long time also. We go to our first MC together Thurs. She has already said she doesn't think it will help. I have no advice to offer other than stay strong. Take it minute by minute if need be.


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## submike (Oct 17, 2012)

@anchorwatch, very limited romance and intimacy, well none. It's been this way for so long I guess I assumed that was normal.
I find it interesting that she can say hurtful things in MC like she just wants to wake up next to someone that she is totally and madly in love with and that person is not me, however I say my feelings and she gets pissed and tries to say hurtful things ("why didn't you man up and tell me how you felt") Yet she hides her feelings for six years. I guess it's time for me to start manning up on a lot of things.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

submike said:


> I find it interesting that she can say hurtful things in MC like she just wants to wake up next to someone that she is totally and madly in love with and that person is not me, however I say my feelings and she gets pissed and tries to say hurtful things ("why didn't you man up and tell me how you felt") Yet she hides her feelings for six years. I guess it's time for me to start manning up on a lot of things.


Sorry that you are here, but glad you found people to talk to.

Marriage is a two way street, remember that. I hear you beating yourself up over this, but you are not the only one at fault. If that is the tactic she wants to use in counseling, call her out on it. If she has not expressed herself, she is just as much at fault as you are. So don't go blaming everything on yourself. 

At this point, expect that the marriage is over. If you set you expectations low, it can only get better. As others mentioned, take this opportunity to take care of you. Go to the gym and work off that anxious energy, get back into a hobby, and enjoy time with your daughter. Work on yourself, the IC will help.

Others will mention another man, but why waste the time chasing that rabbit? All it will do is piss you off and make things worse. If you do end up divorcing, most states don't even consider adultery anymore in the process.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Mike,

I realize that you believe that there isn't anybody else involved right now but this also caugt my eye:

"she can say hurtful things in MC like she just wants to wake up next to someone that she is totally and madly in love with and that person is not me,"

Sorry but I find this a very interesting choice of words. Perhaps there isn't anybody right now but perhaps she has her eye on someone else

Again, I know I can be wrong here and she just may be a walk away wife but what does it hurt to investigate quietly? Don't come right out and ask because you know what the answer will be. Why not just get copies of all her cell phone bills and look at the number of texts/calls. Are there alot to one or two numbers? Do they happen more when your not around (at work for instance)

Has there also been any other changes like her cell phone is always with her, she leaves the room to take calls, stuff like that?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Mike, Your story is much clearer now. You both have a part in this. Yes you didn't read her mind for all that time, but you didn't do anything about it either. You more than likely were walking on eggshells around her, not wanting to disturb the balance of the relationship. She on the other hand was silent, building resentment that you didn't show more affection to her. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? It doesn't matter at this point. A marriage is 50/50. Nether one of you filled each others emotional needs for quite a long time. 

You realize that your marriage is over. You may be able start a new one, but no one can read the future. You can not win her back with displays of affection or with demands that she see the light. Don't profess your love. Don't try the blame game, there's plenty to go around. You can't change her, you can only change you. At this point, I would not give up as long as she continues to attend MC and is not using the D word. It's time to change you. Let me recommend some reading for you just to open your eyes. You have a lot of work to do, if your are willing. Even if your not successful, you'll come out the other end a better off than you started. 

For guides on what to do and how to act.
"Divorce Remedy" and Divorce Busting"
Divorce Busting® - How to Save Your Marriage, Solve Marriage Problems, and Stop Divorce

You might want to look at the 180 and see if you can apply some of the points to your situation. 

To see what was missing.
"His Needs, Her Needs"
His Needs Her Needs

To improve YOU. The title is mis-named it's not a sex guide. 
Married Man Sex Life.

______________________________________________________

One more thing. She may very well be a WAW and not involved with anyone else. Do note that if her emotional needs have not been filled she may have her sights on someone or is wanting to find someone to fill them. 



submike said:


> @anchorwatch, very limited romance and intimacy, well none. It's been this way for so long I guess I assumed that was normal.
> I find it interesting that she can say hurtful things in MC like *she just wants to wake up next to someone that she is totally and madly in love* with and that person is not me, however I say my feelings and she gets pissed and tries to say hurtful things ("why didn't you man up and tell me how you felt") Yet she hides her feelings for six years. I guess it's time for me to start manning up on a lot of things.


The question is can you be that person? Good luck.


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## submike (Oct 17, 2012)

@Toffer, I really appreciate you looking out for me however... When my wife first told me this I went over the edge. I was paranoid checking everything and was in a bad place. At one point I sat in the closet crying, praying and asking God if I was going crazy. Well, I am not going back to that place ever. If my wife is cheating that is on her, she will have to live with her choices, I will move on. As a matter of fact I refuse to have sex with her until we both get the help and closure we need, if that is a year or longer so be it. I am taking control of my body and mind back!! If she refuses to get help I will leave. As of now she is not in counseling with me, I actually think this is better for me right now.
@anchorwatch: yes I can be that man, question is, can my wife heal as well. Thank you for the links I will read them all. I am currently listening to (audio book) boundaries and reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. Yes I am a classic nice guy.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

submike said:


> . Yes I am a classic nice guy.


I didn't get that from your post. It makes sense, now that you mention it. It would explain why you let this go on for so long. Dr. Glover's book is a good resource. Keep at it. Good luck.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Mike,

Good luck! Again, is there any other changes like her cell phone is always with her, she leaves the room to take calls, stuff like that? 

If she agreed to counseling AND she has something on the side, it would be a waste of your money to pay for a counselor. Just sayin


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