# Starting the Journey



## downhillspiral (Jan 17, 2014)

Hello TAM people. I am very new here. Been dealing with a lot of emotions for the past few days. So, here's the scenario.

My wife is having an affair. I haven't eaten in 3 days. She is staying at a hotel tonight 5 mins from his house. He is married with at least one kid. She denies having sex with him, but the situation looks different to me.

We have been married for 2 yr 9 mo. She says that she never should have gotten married, and that I should have never asked. Wife has depression, went off meds a few yrs ago before we got married b/c she lost her job. Started them back again 3 weeks ago. Tells me that she kissed this guy sometime before Christmas but it hasn't gone past that. Blames me for not trying, not listening, keeping her from getting help for depression. Sexless relationship for the most part.


My grandmother died 1/4, I had to leave town during the big freeze, she says OM is coming over to the house to turn the water off to the outside spigots since I am not home. I tell her I don't like the idea of a strange man I don't know coming to our house while I'm not home. She says its nothing and I am being silly. Came home to a semi-clean house. She says it is because she wanted me to come home to a clean house. We had plans to go out Saturday to see a movie and get diner. Sat arrives and she says she doesn't feel like it. Tuesday she was acting weird, hiding her phone and keeping it close to her, which she never does. I ask about it. She says it is just OM from work. I ask if I should be concerned, she ignores the question. Later, I ask again, tell her that I have been cheated on before (which she knew about) and that I'm not an idiot about her behavior, something was going on that she was trying to hide. It was then that she said they kissed sometime before christmas. They go out to lunch together at work, they had discussed what their actions would cause. I ask about what happened when he came over, she says they just had a beer and watched tv (which explains the rushed cleaning job). She says she is going to start sleeping downstairs. Sleeps alone downstairs on Tues night. Wednesday we discuss what we are going to do. I suggest IC and MC. She says she doesn't want to do MC until she gets herself sorted out. She says she wants it to work, but then says she should have never gotten married, it wasn't for her. She suggested an open marriage, I told her absolutely not. She says she will be staying in a hotel the next night b/c she needs time alone to think. I ask her not to. She does it anyway. I ask her to txt me to let me know she was ok. Then in a moment of fear/panic/weakness I asked her if she was with him. She never responded. I check the bank account and see the hotel she is staying at is right down the road from his house. It is moderately priced and she is normally very thrifty so location had to play a part in it. 

I wanted us to get better, I wanted our marriage to work. But with the developments of today, with her staying in a hotel near this guys house, I don't think I can be that person. I am not strong enough to deal with the trust issues. I have been cheated on before by a long-term g/f and that almost killed me.

I am doubting our whole marriage. I am looking into separation/divorce procedures. Scheduled for IC tomorrow. Going to try to find an lawyer that isn't going to bankrupt me with fees. 

Someone from reddit recommended this site. I've been browsing a bit. I think the most uplifting thing to see is the number of people signed into each group. While I feel for everyone going through this, it is nice to know I am not alone. 

Surprisingly enough making an asset list has sort of calmed me down, b/c it has occupied my mind. I have no idea what to do. 

Sorry this is probably a jumbled mess. I'm just very discombobulated right now.:scratchhead:


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## raven3321 (Sep 25, 2013)

Hi. Sorry to hear about all this. I know you're hurting right now. First things first. How would you characterize the marriage before all of this? That will help to formulate a plan going forward.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Did you inform his wife of the affair yet? She'd keep him busy enough to pay less attention to your wife. How about your families, do they know yet? Does their employer know? Did you do anything to make the A difficult yet?


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## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

Sorry you are in your current situation but the journey you are referring to could be a completely different journey, I am currently on one and it's the journey to restoration. It sounds as if you are still in love with your wife, so ultimately you can make the decision to be sold out for your marriage, fight for it and do what ever it takes to make it work. There is always hope in a hopeless situation. Getting a divorce isn't always the answer too many times people make that choice out of anger and possibly regret it later. If you wanna stand for your marriage I would suggest this site hopeatlast.com, it's said to say but there are many marriages that end in divorce due to infidelity, but that doesn't always have to be the case.


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## downhillspiral (Jan 17, 2014)

raven3321: When we first started dating everything was great even with her depression, we were making the 5 hr drive 2x a week between NJ and VA to see each other. Intimacy was frequent. When she moved in intimacy diminished slightly which was contributed to coming off the meds (legitimate side effect of coming off). Kinda picked up every so often. I was ok with it b/c we seemed happy. We got married, things were meh afterwards. Occasional spurts of consistent intimacy followed by dry spells. She started working which seemed to help with her depression since she had something to occupy her time. Our marriage became complacent and routine. We were rarely intimate (which she now blames on an event between us that occurred in 2009), we just kinda coasted through life. Never argued. Rarely went out with friends. Very codependent with each other. She did the majority of the cooking and laundry. We did 1/2 on cleaning. I did any handy work or installation (which wasn't much). I managed finances. Most evening were spent just sitting on the couch. My job has had some stressful periods where anxiety and depression took over me and I was no responsive. She would have her depressive periods where she just wanted to stare at the walls. For the last 6 months we have just been. She would say that she was happy with our life, she liked that we didn't always have to be doing something. But lately, she has been focusing on how life was before I came in the picture. And how life was when we lived 5 hours apart. 

anchorwatch: I have not notified the wife. I have been witness to multiple cases where the wife of the OM will just come to the OM's defense and turn me into a bad guy. They can deal with their own problems. I also am worried about any retaliations from the OM since he knows where I live. 

I have not notified the families yet because if there is a chance of R (which as of right now seems very slim) I don't want them to resent her if we do make it through this. 

Their employer is contemplating firing a different individual for spreading rumors about them. So, I don't think that would help any.

Since I just found out about it 2 days ago there isn't much I have been able to do. I told her that if she wants to try to make 'us' better then she has to stop associating with the OM. Problem is they work in a small office and have to communicate every day. Unless he quits or she quits there is no way to stop them from interacting. 

standinginthegap: Best of luck to you. If she has slept with him I don't see myself going that route. My last long-term relationship my g/f kissed a guy about 3 years in and then ran off with someone at year 6. So, I'm either cursed or have horrible taste in women. But with my pre-existing trust issues, and the way that my wife has acted so far in this situation I am not too hopeful. She seems remorseful only in the fact that she knows she did something wrong and that I am hurting. But she hasn't taken any actions towards being open or stopping the affair. I know it has only been 2 days since I found out. But I see myself as a logical, honest, and moral person. If I was in a situation that she did not approve of I would distance myself from it the instant she expressed her displeasure. The fact that she is not doing that is not good in my world.

I'm thinking at this point I should stop saying we so much. It has become and me and her thing. My day has been very dynamic. This morning I tried to go to work but after 5 mins I had to leave b/c it is safety related and I could not focus. Came home very depressed. Had a glimmer of hope when she said she didn't know yet if she was going to a hotel. Then she said she wasn't coming home tonight. Went into denial, anger, depression all at once. Called almost in tears to schedule IC with anyone that could see me tomorrow. Felt better after that. Talked to a few distant friends that aren't gonna blab about the situation until they are told they can, that helped too. Then after a bit went back to sad. Decided to go out and drive around, that helped. Came home listened to "Say Something" and had my first big breakdown. That helped. Then I came here.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Filing for Divorce is standing up for your marriage. If you do nothing she will just continue. Disclosure is also key. Tell the OW, tell her parents and anyone else.

Do not stand and do nothing. Starting moving on. Do the 180. Make her move out. 

Be strong, weakness never works, NEVER.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Down, my man, I know this is not what you bargained for but this woman is not for you and you're not going to make it so. She is telling you to get lost Dawg and most likely, a 99.997% chance, she's banging this dude. If she's not, I can assure you it ain't her fault. 
The one bright spot, as odd as it seems, is that you've experienced cheating and although you say it almost killed you, it didn't. And neither will this. 
Cut this vampire loose if you've got any sense at all. She may panic if you file for divorce and want to "reconcile" because she has to now support herself. But to say you'd be a damn fool for trying to salvage your so called marriage would be an understatement. The gal is misery incarnate. Get it out of your mind that she cares about you. And on any issue of respect, why would she respect you if she doesn't care about you. 
Here's the thing. You see and hear about these guys crying in their beer about their wives leaving them and the marriage failing. When you run into them a year or two later, most have met an upgrade and are happy as larks. Getting rid of a bad spouse is like getting rid of a perennial azz ache that sucks the life out of you. And from what you describe, you've got a major one.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Where is happyman when we need him ???? We need some of the alpha men here to give advise to you. 

I know for sure I agree you cant nice your wife back. I hope some of the more seasoned people offer their words to you. I'm sorry you're here, you know what your up against. 

~ sammy


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Read the newbie thread I bumped. 

Why do you fear acting to defend for your M? If it's because your afraid to lose her, wake up, you already did. They're depending on your fear to continue the A. Turn it around and let them fear you. Call his wife tonight.


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## cbnero (Dec 6, 2013)

Downhill help has arrived. You are seeking answers. You will find them here though they may not be the answers you are expecting. 

First of all you need to go over and start a post under Going Through Divorce or Separation here at TAM.

I would start laying it out for you now but then it would make it difficult to move forums and staying over later. 

Move to the forum and repost a summary. Don't worry about keeping it short and sweet. Do it immediately. The more info the better. You won't be judged here.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## cbnero (Dec 6, 2013)

If you get over to the other forum guys like Conrad and Regroup will catch your post and advise. I don't think they watch under infidelity category.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Tell the OMW immediately. I've noted your counterarguments, but if you want any chance of waking your wife up, you have to make the OM desperate to do damage control in his own marriage. No matter what the OMW's reaction, this can drag the affair out into the open and thus into reality for both the OM and your WW.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Well downhill you know your wife is lying to you.

It sounds like you have no kids and your wife is obviously trying to get out of the marriage.

Why not sit her down and give her a choice one more time.

A. MC together.

B. Divorce.

Because an open marriage is just her way of asking you for a divorce.

And if she opts for the open marriage or divorce have some divorce papers ready for her. Get them online and filled out.

I will say this. If my wife was acting funny, secretive, chummy with a married coworker and sleeping in a nearby hotel.

I would be at that hotel in a flash. Getting the truth with my own eyes.

Do not settle for her nonsense.

Act!

HM


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

If you are not going to expose this, your WW will be having sex with this POS soon (if she hasn't already; I think the evidence points to the fact she already has).

Exposing the A to OMW, family, and friends is the best way to kill it, AND it must be killed if you are going to have any chance of saving it.

If you just sit there and accept their s****y actions towards you, your M is toast.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

downhillspiral said:


> raven3321: When we first started dating everything was great even with her depression, we were making the 5 hr drive 2x a week between NJ and VA to see each other. Intimacy was frequent. When she moved in intimacy diminished slightly which was contributed to coming off the meds (legitimate side effect of coming off). Kinda picked up every so often. I was ok with it b/c we seemed happy. We got married, things were meh afterwards. Occasional spurts of consistent intimacy followed by dry spells. She started working which seemed to help with her depression since she had something to occupy her time. Our marriage became complacent and routine. We were rarely intimate (which she now blames on an event between us that occurred in 2009), we just kinda coasted through life. Never argued. Rarely went out with friends. Very codependent with each other. She did the majority of the cooking and laundry. We did 1/2 on cleaning. I did any handy work or installation (which wasn't much). I managed finances. Most evening were spent just sitting on the couch. My job has had some stressful periods where anxiety and depression took over me and I was no responsive. She would have her depressive periods where she just wanted to stare at the walls. For the last 6 months we have just been. She would say that she was happy with our life, she liked that we didn't always have to be doing something. But lately, she has been focusing on how life was before I came in the picture. And how life was when we lived 5 hours apart.
> 
> anchorwatch: I have not notified the wife. *I have been witness to multiple cases where the wife of the OM will just come to the OM's defense and turn me into a bad guy. They can deal with their own problems. I also am worried about any retaliations from the OM since he knows where I live. *
> 
> ...


I'm sorry where exactly did you witness these cases?


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I am not going to judge your determination to try to reconcile...it is what I have done. Yet, I realized that with reconciliation in your mind, it will sometimes mess up with what needs to take place in order to smack your wife out of the fog that she is in.

Her suggestion of an open marriage means this: I don't want to divorce, but I am not willing to give up OM either. This is what we call "cake-eating" She wants to have her cake and eat it too...both of best worlds. It doesn't necessarily mean she "loves" him, but it does mean at least he is a drug that she isn't ready to quit. This is why exposure is vital. Cheater addicts won't stop until it starts to hurt them...this is why she tried to hide it and then when caught is trying to make it acceptable...to continue the behavior without consequence. Like a crack addict...they don't to quit their affair partner, thus the lies and will completely rearrange their ethics to make it work. You would be surprised how many spouses agree to such "open" arrangements in order to keep their wayward spouse. Glad to hear you set up a boundary there...but at the same time, paying for her hotel room, paying for her gas, food, cell...everything is to a degree enabling her during her time of cheating. If she wants to run off with OM, FINE...but you need to cut her off. Then you need to tell OM wife! This often wakes the OM into the damage that he is causing himself...as his wife reels him back in. Then this leads your wife really nowhere to go. I know you would prefer to do damage control in order to maintain some honor for the both of you if/when she comes back, but that is not guaranteed. She may come back if things go wrong with OM and will grovel and say how sorry they were, but most of the time it was that it didn't work out w/ OM and they don't wanna be on the street like they ought to be. Once they go there, cheating...it is easy to pick up again. She tasted the forbidden fruit...and everything will be flavorless compared to the euphoric high she has been in...and then will be saying garbage like how hard it is to let OM go, and wondering why YOU don't make her feel the way HE does...or the I love you but NOT "in Love" with you speech...this is the cheaters script. This is why you gotta hit them where it hurts, get their drug-addled brains back on planet earth with real actions and real consequences...and that starts by having respect for yourself by setting boundaries..."you wanna play with OM?...then we have NOTHING to talk about." Read up on the 180 as others said...you are not going to be her emotional friend, cry on my shoulder because she is so confused about her feeling. No, kick her to the curb...let her feel the pain of HER actions...and when she tried to blame you for it...REJECT it. It will be the hardest thing you did...but if you don't...she will continue on in her justification that somehow she deserves this...and that it isn't hurting anyone. You only start working on R when she stops deflecting and blameshifting, is truly accepting that she made the choice and has to accept the consequence, that she is willing to go to MC & IC without spilling out lines of B.S., and that she gibes FULL disclosure about her affair behavior, obviously has stopped cheating and then goes through a long period of complete accountability with her electronics usage...oh and she writes a NC letter to OM. There may be a lot of stuff you don't want to hear..and there may surface a lot of things where you may be responsible for her detaching from the relationship...and you need to face it, because she may have lost hope for the marriage years ago and you didn't hear it. In either case, SHE chose infidelity...and NOTHING justifies that, no matter how unhappy things get. Don't let OM get away with it either...tell the dudes wife. End this.


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

Is she still at the hotel or going back there tonight or tomorrow? Go to the other POSOM wife's home, tell her the news, then drive to the hotel together to catch them.

You must tell the OMW and expose now!
You must tell the OMW and expose now!
You must tell the OMW and expose now!

OK...am I clear on this?

So what if the OM is mad at you....aren't you a little pissed that he is boinking your wife?

I'm telling you this because I and thousands of other's on here have been in your shoes. Getting the proof and exposing is step #1. If the guy is married and has any intention of saving his own marriage, he will drop your wife immediately like a hot potato.


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## cbnero (Dec 6, 2013)

Focus on yourself. I know it sounds impossible but remain calm. Know this - all the worrying in the world by you wont change or control her. The harder you try to pull her in the more she will pull away. 

http://ezinearticles.com/?After-the...3-Most-Common-Tactics-Cheaters-Use&id=6532239

Read this link. Go no contact. 180 her cheating azz and stay on TAM. We will support you. Do not iniate any further discussion with her.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## downhillspiral (Jan 17, 2014)

cbnero: Wow, reading that, she went through all three of those steps in 1 night. Telling me that she had talked to him and said that is was over. Then blame shifted saying my issues caused the cheating. Then tried to go back and say that I have never supported her being on meds or trying to get help. 

Just an update, today is her birthday. I haven't txt'd or called her at all today, she is at work. She has txt'd and called throughout the day, I'm not answering or responding. Going to try to 180 this, for me. 

Went to IC today for the first session. Mainly focused on history of the relationship, past relationship with cheating g/f, and a little about what is going on right now. I think it helped. Doc said I def. indicate for major depression since at least my last relationship, probably more like since I was very young. I guess it is nice to know that I more than likely have some sort of disorder and that it is not just that I suck at life. So, gonna keep going to IC, for my own well being.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Please expose the affair to his wife she deserves to know.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

lewmin said:


> Is she still at the hotel or going back there tonight or tomorrow? Go to the other POSOM wife's home, tell her the news, then drive to the hotel together to catch them.
> 
> You must tell the OMW and expose now!
> You must tell the OMW and expose now!
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

downhill,

You'll realize pretty quickly, if you haven't already, the general philosophy of TAM posters; is that you need to be aggressive to save your marriage. Most of the posters have been where you're at, including myself, and they know what gives you the best chance at a favorable outcome - whether you ultimately D or R.

I think I can summarize what advice you will receive and have received.

-Expose her affair to her family, your family, and the OM's wife. DO IT NOW. Don't tell her you're going to do it, just do it. This is a MUST.

-Tell her if she doesn't agree to completely stop the A, that you will be filing for D. Don't even consider R or MC otherwise. If she doesn't end contact, talk to an attorney and start the D process ASAP. 

-Separate your finances and ask her to leave the house. If she won't, separate her from you bedroom and implement the 180 to detach from her (you can google it if no one provides a link). The 180 is critical. If she stays in the house, stay away from her as much as possible, say as little as possible. Your mindset should be indifference. Don't lash out at her.

-Even if she agrees to no contact down the road, don't stop the D process before you check back for more advice. We can help you identify whether she is remorseful or not.

-If she does agree to no contact, now or later - this is only a starting point to consider R. She'd have a lot of work to do after that. Post back for advice on that.

The bottom line:

*You have to be willing to end your marriage to have a "chance" at saving it.* She may very well not respond. If not, she's proven that D is your best choice, and you *CAN* move on without her.

Also, one other thing to mention. If she does agree to end contact, that means she agrees to quit her job. Absolutely no way around that. Period.

Good luck and keep posting.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

badmemory said:


> downhill,
> 
> You'll realize pretty quickly, if you haven't already, the general philosophy of TAM posters; is that you need to be aggressive to save your marriage. Most of the posters have been where you're at, including myself, and they know what gives you the best chance at a favorable outcome - whether you ultimately D or R.
> 
> ...


And have her served at work for that "special" effect.


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

Revealing the affair to the other man's wife often FEELS like the wrong thing to do. There's a chance she won't believe, defend the OM, there's a chance she doesn't care, and so on.

There's also a chance she cares VERY MUCH. There's a chance she will grab the OM's leash and yank hard. He will be in such a mad scramble to save his marriage that he will throw your wife right under the bus.

She might not give two toots for your marriage (this is a separate problem) but once he kicks her to the curb, she will realize that she might have been in luuuuuuv and this was her soulmate, but he would rather preserve his marriage, access to his kids and financial security with his wife, than run off to paradise with her.

It will be a rude awakening. She will come crawling back. Then you can set your terms. 

Meanwhile, do the 180 and file for D. This can always be rescinded if your reconciliation is proceeding in an acceptable fashion.

This is the cumulative wisdom of this forum. Please listen.

-FH


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Foghorn said:


> He will be in such a mad scramble to save his marriage that he will throw your wife right under the bus.


The married POSOM threw my WW under the bus so fast, she still has tire tracks on her back.


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## cbnero (Dec 6, 2013)

How many of us wish we could rewind time to be where Downhill is right now? (Obviously going back even further would be great, ha!)

But to at least have TAM so early on is something that makes me wonder if it would have turned out differently. Downhill you have a unique opportunity here, something that most of us never had. Stay on TAM. Do NOT show her any emotion, especially anger or hurt/pleading. Do NOT try to reason with her.

if she starts in on the blame game, just simply inform her she is shifting blame to avoid being accountable and you want no part of it. And then leave the room or hang up. Dont engage her.

stay with us. You have a leg up by being here.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## downhillspiral (Jan 17, 2014)

Ok, so say I call the OMW. How does that conversation even go? With my anxieties and inability to hold it together when I say the words right now. Do I identify myself? I know that it is wrong to feel this, but I feel like I would be messing up their marriage. And I know, I know. I shouldn't feel that way, it is not my fault. But the only thing I know for sure is that they kissed. And that is bad enough. I just feel crushed to make that call. I don't know the woman, I don't know if she is home or what the situation is between them. Indecision and fear are driving me right now, and I hate it. But it is what it is for the time being.

She left a message saying she will be home tonight. Do I confront her about her stay in the hotel? Do I ask those questions? If she doesn't answer do I assume the worst? I am trying to wait to get the families involved until I know what happened yesterday. But I have the feeling she won't be honest with me.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

downhillspiral said:


> Ok, so say I call the OMW. How does that conversation even go?


_*OMW,

I have very good reason to believe my wife is having an emotional affair, but most likely a physical one, with your husband. She admits that they often go out to lunch together at work. He has been over to my house alone with her on at least one occasion. My wife has also admitted that she and your husband kissed sometime before Christmas. And finally, she is currently staying at a hotel 5 mins from your house. I called to ask her if she was with him. She refused to deny it.

I thought you would want to know this information. I know I would have wanted to know.

Feel free to get back in touch with me if you want to. Sorry to have to let you know this.
*_


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## downhillspiral (Jan 17, 2014)

Ok, well I actually picked up the phone and dialed the number that I had found listed in OMs name. But it has been disconnected. How do I go about finding a phone #? Or do I just drive to where I think they live and see if she is home?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

downhillspiral said:


> Ok, well I actually picked up the phone and dialed the number that I had found listed in OMs name. But it has been disconnected. How do I go about finding a phone #? Or do I just drive to where I think they live and see if she is home?


Go there as long as he is still at work okay now take a deep breath and head on down there.
The sooner you do this the quicker you can heal.


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## downhillspiral (Jan 17, 2014)

I can't do it today. He would be home soon after I arrived or as I was talking to her. In this situation it would have to wait until either thursday or friday unless I can find a phone number. It might even be an old address. I'm no good at Doxing people, just google searching names and looking through those listings.


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## cbnero (Dec 6, 2013)

Go during the day on Monday or Tuesday. Make it a priority.

If she is hot dont forget to get her cell # for possible later "discussion." Lol

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## downhillspiral (Jan 17, 2014)

I really can't go during the day b/c of work. I also don't know if she works so she may not be home anyway. I am probably making excuses now. I am trying to locate a phone # of some sort.

On a side note, I am going through cell records. Noticing that it only shows an incoming call if it is answered. She had two 1 min phone calls with OM yesterday at 1:55pm (1 min after she txtd me that it was a good idea that she stayed in a hotel) and 3:31pm (which is an hour before she would normally leave work) and no more after that. She only has one 1 min record with her mother since the 10th, she normally speaks to her at least 5-10 mins every day or every other day.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Does she have a face book account?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

downhillspiral said:


> She left a message saying she will be home tonight. Do I confront her about her stay in the hotel? Do I ask those questions? If she doesn't answer do I assume the worst? I am trying to wait to get the families involved until I know what happened yesterday. But I have the feeling she won't be honest with me.


She likely won't, but I'd ask her for the explanation anyway. Particularly, why she didn't deny before when you asked. I would think about secretly recording your conversation with her. If she still denies anything happened, you've got a decision to make. 

Either implement everything else we've already suggested, or say nothing, and delay that for a couple of weeks while you attempt to gather more evidence. A VAR in her car would be a start. You could even consider a PI.

If this is indeed a workplace affair, you've got a lot of ammunition on your side; so more evidence would be nice to have whether she confesses or not. You can make the POSOM's life hell if you can prove it.


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## downhillspiral (Jan 17, 2014)

OMW doesn't have a facebook that I have found.

I did find her mother's FB account. I sent this:

Hello, 

I am sorry to bother you. You do not know me. I have some information that I need to share with your daughter **********. I would like to be able to contact her over the phone or through email. It is information that she will not want to hear, but I think she needs to. If you could please give me some way to contact her, or you can have her contact me either on facebook or through email at ************ I would appreciate it. 

Thank you
-downhillspiral


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## cbnero (Dec 6, 2013)

Phone records can be easily hidden with data video calls or data chats. You would never know.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

downhillspiral said:


> OMW doesn't have a facebook that I have found.
> 
> I did find her mother's FB account. I sent this:
> 
> ...


If you don't get a reply by monday you will have to find a way to see her in person.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

As far as work, can you explain to your superior about this in general terms I mean he/she would understand if you took a few hours on mon or tues
If not then forget it.


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## Syco (Sep 25, 2013)

Just a thought: 
Maybe you could private message the name to someone here who knows this sort of thing, and they'll help you find an address

If i were you, keep doing 180 when she gets back. 

Good Luck


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Notice something? Your wife is blaming you. It is your fault for asking her to marry you! :slap:


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## downhillspiral (Jan 17, 2014)

Well, I failed the 180 for today. But we needed to talk. She says last night they went out to dinner, drank, smoked pot, slept in separate beds. OMW knows about it, they are starting the process of getting a divorce. Apparently their marriage was already dead with sleeping in separate beds and such. She wants to stay amicable. We agree that we both love each other, but not the kind of love that a marriage needs. We talked about each others faults and how we both contributed in part to the failed marriage. She takes 100% of the blame for cheating, but says she isn't sorry about it b/c it got us to where we are. With me seeking therapy, she is wanting to start therapy again. But we have decided that we are not good for each other. 

I told my parents about the situation, that pissed her off so she called the OM to try to get him to come get her (she is drunk and I hid all the car keys). But he is saying he probably isn't coming to get her b/c of his kid. Then my parents sent her fb messages telling her happy bday (b/c I told them not to hate her until I said it was ok). That pissed her off even more that they would send her a happy bday msg after finding out what happened. She threw her phone and ran upstairs so I backed up all her SMS and sent it to her email, and then forwarded it to myself. Nothing about sexual relations, but lots of babes, baby, honey, and I love you message types. 

This isn't going to work, there is no way to fix this now.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Ugh.

I think you're right. There is no way to really fix this, but I say this because it wouldn't be good for you to fix it. If her A goes the way so many do, starting as they do in secrecy and betrayal, the two of them will flame out sooner or later. She's getting high and getting drunk & the OM may indeed start thinking that his BW is looking better and better.

If I were you, I would save myself. I would work hard to do the 180 & proceed with divorce. Painful as it is, it affords you a much brighter future. She sounds messed up. There are plenty of stable, good women out there who can be loyal.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

downhillspiral said:


> Well, I failed the 180 for today. But we needed to talk. She says last night they went out to dinner, drank, smoked pot, slept in separate beds. *OMW knows about it, they are starting the process of getting a divorce. Apparently their marriage was already dead with sleeping in separate beds and such. *She wants to stay amicable. We agree that we both love each other, but not the kind of love that a marriage needs. We talked about each others faults and how we both contributed in part to the failed marriage. She takes 100% of the blame for cheating, but says she isn't sorry about it b/c it got us to where we are. With me seeking therapy, she is wanting to start therapy again. But we have decided that we are not good for each other.
> 
> I told my parents about the situation, that pissed her off so she called the OM to try to get him to come get her (she is drunk and I hid all the car keys). But he is saying he probably isn't coming to get her b/c of his kid. Then my parents sent her fb messages telling her happy bday (b/c I told them not to hate her until I said it was ok). That pissed her off even more that they would send her a happy bday msg after finding out what happened. She threw her phone and ran upstairs so I backed up all her SMS and sent it to her email, and then forwarded it to myself. Nothing about sexual relations, but lots of babes, baby, honey, and I love you message types.
> 
> Now she is on the phone with him talking all sorts of **** about fixing herself and how she isn't as messed up as OMW is. Laughing and sounding all happy and saying 'I love you too'. This isn't going to work, there is no way to fix this now.


DOH!!! :slap: If he's sleeping with other women, of course their marriage is already dead!

If it is. Seek corroboration from OMW...


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## downhillspiral (Jan 17, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Notice something? Your wife is blaming you. It is your fault for asking her to marry you! :slap:


It seems that way. She has asked numerous time why I asked her to marry me b/c she was so messed up. I ask her why she agreed to marry me if she thought she was so messed up. It gets no where and goes in circles.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I would make sure OMW gets the message anyway...just because I KNOW that cheaters lie to suppress further damage. My wife's AP swore his wife already knew when she in fact did not. 

Now at this stage you may not want your wife back, but prepare yourself...she is not moving onto a stable lillipad...she is about to walk into a life of chaos with a man who is not divorced and has a kid. I foresee in the near future, after her world crumbles with this POS, and she sees that you have used this situation to become a better person, she will come crawling back humming a new tune. Prepare yourself for this.

And still...you ought to cut off any financial help. I mean, yay for you that you were able to civilly discuss things, but she is still in the affair fog and is being stupid is as stupid does...and you need to separate yourself entirely from her chaos.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

downhillspiral said:


> Well, I failed the 180 for today.
> This isn't going to work, there is no way to fix this now.


Actually Down, you didn't fail today. You now have the absolute conformation of where she stands. Your 100% correct in saying there is no way to fix this now. Dawg, the writing was on the wall before today. It was just really hard to see when you're wanting a different outcome. Believe me my man, if you managed to talk her into trying to work it out, you'll be back after a while with a thread, "I think my wife is cheating again".


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## downhillspiral (Jan 17, 2014)

I have txt logs of OM talking about his crazy wife and how he is done with it, but no official filing yet. OMW supposedly told him that he could stay in the apartment until the lease was up, but WW was not allowed over. I (maybe foolishly) told WW that she could stay downstairs until she found somewhere to stay. I am not a vengeful, spiteful, hateful person. I do still care about her well-being and I know that she is going to struggle.

If we are able to split amicably I am now looking back with a sigh of relief b/c when we purchased the townhouse I only figured my income into the budget (in case we had a kid and she had to be a SAHM) so I should be ok on a month/month basis even if my accounts are lower than what I like them to be. Also when she moves out I guess I could get a roommate to help defer the mortgage.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

downhillspiral please tell me that your confirmation that OMW knows is not because your wife told you taht OM told her that his wife already knew, because most likely is BS.

OMs always said that they are divorcing and that their wives know, because otherwise how are they to convice other man wife to sleep with them, you can bet that no one will fall for a OM that says: "sure I don't wanto to divorce and my wife is great but lets have an affair" they always ALWAYS say that they are divorcing.

we have lots of cases like that, if you don't belive read "ing" thread, all the affair OM and her wife said that his OMW knew about the affair and that they were divorcing, it turned to be a lie, almost a years after the beginning of the affair and "Ing" divorce process he finally nhad the cahnce to talk to OMW and then hell was released because nobody form OM's family knew of OM paramours with Ing's wife

Until you contact OMW you should not believe nothing that your wife or OM said.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Good that you are clear in the head about the chance of R. 

When she and the POSOM ate dinner and smoked weed, they chatted a bit more and then said goodnight, see you tomorrow and went to separate beds. Maybe they cancelled sex because they had the munchies so bad.


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## downhillspiral (Jan 17, 2014)

OM: Good morning, I'm a wreck today.
----------

WS: Hope you slept good babe.
----------

WS: Because? =(
----------

WS: Still in bed...not ready to face the day yet
----------

WS: And I'm hungover
----------

WS: Why are you a wreck?
----------

WS: Babe?
----------

OM: Hi.. I put it all out there.
----------

OM: I'm sorry you're hung over babe
----------

WS: Meaning?
----------

OM: She knows basically everything including our intentions
----------

OM: I need a shower so bad.
----------

WS: ***** found an "i love you text"
----------

WS: I need a shower and coffee and to see you
----------

OM: I told ***** we were in love
----------

OM: Yes!! But if she knows I'm going to see you, I will not we welcome back
----------

OM: And I need to be with you
----------

WS: We're doing this....us.
----------

OM: I know!
----------

OM: We are for sure !
----------

WS: May I call you in a few?
----------

OM: Yea, I'm about to jump into this shower.
----------

OM: I need to go outside so we can talk, but I'm nakee
----------

OM: And scratched up
----------

WS:


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Get a lawyer. 

Cut off her funds. Let the OM pay for hotels and drugs.

Consider yourself lucky he took her stoner a$$ off your hands.

Clean up your side off the street now. 

Follow this 180 list.

180 List - No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Well there is your proof that it went physical, I don't think he got scratched trimming the rose bushes. Seek legal advise and get her to sign while her head is still in the clouds. Protect yourself financially. I would not believe much of what she says and frankly it doesn't really matter anyway. It is unfortunate that you are in this position, but at least it you don't have children. Get through this the best you can and move on to a better life.


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

Please still go ahead and tell the OMW. Even with the info you read. I was once in your shoes and was told the OMW knows EVERYTHING. Nothing was further than the truth. He may have downplayed this as a ONS so do it!

ps - they did not sleep in separate beds when they celebrated her birthday. Your wife is insane to think anyone would believe it.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

downhillspiral said:


> OM: And scratched up
> ----------
> 
> WS:


=physical affair


Dude, this sucks...and I feel so sorry that you are going through this. I know most of us are saying play hardball and you just aren't there...as a lot of us have been...we are just doing what we have learned lessens the heartache and gets you away from crazy. She may come off stable and calculated in her thought processes, but she is so far from emotionally stable...and will be riding on the highs and lows of her relationship with OM...and as long as she is physically present, she will want you to ride it with her, be her best friend, be a shoulder to cry on....and you will seethe inside and be in terrible knots...the knife plunging in that wound over and over again. So, if you decide to co-habitate for a season...at least establish a hard-set move-out date, make concise arbitration agreements regarding divorce...because this insane arrangement has to benefit you too.


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## downhillspiral (Jan 17, 2014)

So today I have 180'd pretty well. I guess it is a 1 day at a time thing. I haven't said much to her today, no discussions about what's going on or anything. It has been hard, since I do still care about her, but it has to be this way. I can't be weak in this and go to her for comfort or try to comfort her. 

I did do some snooping. Intercepting txts by having her phone email them to an account I have access too I've seen all their planning and hoping and promising that has gone on today. That in itself is almost therapeutic. She spent about 2 hrs getting ready to go out, and he never txt'd her back. So now she is back in PJs downstairs reading. She tried to approach me while we were outside smoking (not talking), she never said anything, so I shrugged it off and came back inside.

Thanks for the support and advice. I'm new at this so it is nice to have a non-biased sounding board.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Rather than a 180, do a 360 and throw her out as soon as you could.

If it was me, I and I knew what hotel she was at, I would have gone there, got a key to the room and finished it off right there. 

Stop playing games with her. when she asks again why you married her, tell her that you were in stupid mode and she doesn't have to worry about it any longer then tell her to get the hell out.


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## downhillspiral (Jan 17, 2014)

OMW's mother just sent me a message on facebook saying that they know and gave me her number and OMW's number. From reading txts they were supposed to go get coffee today but instead spent 3.5 hrs on the phone and then WW called her mother. Probably gonna be a lot of boohooing and self pity when I get home from work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Ask her to leave. Then this week start the D process. Live the 180 and push through the pain. 

Never let her see you cry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

downhillspiral said:


> OMW's mother just sent me a message on facebook saying that they know and gave me her number and OMW's number. From reading txts they were supposed to go get coffee today but instead spent 3.5 hrs on the phone and then WW called her mother. Probably gonna be a lot of boohooing and self pity when I get home from work.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


that's interesting.
i hope this is all over for you soon. reading their texts would sure help me move on.

good luck.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

At least you know what is going on.

Give her a set timeframe at your condo.

Then she leaves.

Get the Divorce rolling. That way she is still in LaLa Fantasy Land when she leaves.

They can scratch each others backs all they want.

And you can have your peace of mind.

Lotsa better women out there. 

Now you can go find one..

HM


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## downhillspiral (Jan 17, 2014)

So, she admitted to sleeping with him. Finally. The OMW and family are going on the warpath with him. He is apparently afraid of them. So, looks like fantasy land for OM and WS just disappeared. At first she said she was cutting it off for me, but then later, said it was because she was realizing that WS and OM were not going to be able to continue bc OM has too much to lose and OMW has already told him that if it continues then she will be taking him for everything she can get. Is it messed up that I'm not like that? That I'm just rolling with this is the best way I know how? Not really getting outwardly angry, hiding my emotions for the most part. 

Now she is all about making it work and trying to get through this. Scheduling IC and eventually doing MC. Wants to start sleeping in the same bed too. But then jokes about 'open marriage'. 

The messed up thing I guess is that I do want to give it a shot. But if all it took was some sweet talk and attention for it to happen next time how can I go through life having that as a constant threat? Do people really change after something like this? How many marriages survive and return to being fulfilling and happy? I just don't know what to do. I don't know if it is just me being clingy and afraid of the unknown, or if I really do want this to work. 

Where did you people hide the Staples "Easy Button"?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

What do you think she'll do when he calls her, in secret, and tells her, everything is cool at home, so let's meet for a few? Tell us how easy do you think that could happen? Say she had a toke and a few drinks, do you think she'd turn him down?

Do you really want to go back to that disrespectful sexless marriage, that she didn't want to be in? Do you think she'll jump as soon as she sees something else?

Cut your losses. You deserve better. Everyone deserves better. Give yourself the self respect you deserve.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

she doesn't sound remorseful AT ALL, only in survival mode, and
based on the text exchange you posted she was all but ready to bail on you yday. joking about an open marriage right now, when you just found out she's been lying to you and sleeping with another man? that just shows how little she really cares about your rship.

if it was just a ONS or sex only kind of situation, i might be willing to R but i wouldn't want to be anyone's second choice. 

has she even apologized?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

downhillspiral said:


> said it was because she was realizing that WS and OM were not going to be able to continue bc OM has too much to lose and OMW has already told him that if it continues then she will be taking him for everything she can get.


 What you should do is tell her that you have the same plan that the OM wife has. Then let her know that bedsides bumping uglies with him you'll have another thing in common. Both of you will be broke.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You need to nut up and start showing her some righteous anger. 

Seriously.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Syco (Sep 25, 2013)

So right after admitting it went physical, she decides to make a joke about an open marriage?!

Divorce and move on. 

You deserve someone who loves you and will actually treat you with respect. 

Good Luck


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You have no kids with her right?
Kick her to the curb tell her you are getting someone younger and hotter.
:banghead:


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Downhill

I can see how confused you are.

But in all seriousness why commit yo anything right now.

We can all tell you to kick her to the curb.

But until you decide that you deserve better than nothing will change.

So just say nothing.

I guarantee you in a few days/weeks she will be right back to her cheating/selfish business.

HM


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Downhill
> 
> I can see how confused you are.
> 
> ...


Down the best thing you can do right now is ignore her and take care of your business.
Act like you don't give a sh!t and start going out a few nights a week.
Make her wonder what the heck you are doing.
If you file now you can always stop it but by filing and serving her at work shows you are serious.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Take some time to let this all sink in. From what you've written, this has all happened very fast. Don't commit to anything with her right now. Try to emotionally detach as much as possible and watch her actions. It's very common for this to go underground at this point.

She seems to think that you will be willing to take whatever she wants to hand out. I doubt you really want to do that, so be careful. Don't jump to a decision now. Process the disrespect she has shown you through all of this.

Remember that she thought it was OK for a married woman to leave the marital home and openly check into a hotel in order to meet with her lover. Vows, shmows - that's her motto. No respect. I hope you want more for yourself.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Downhill
> 
> 
> We can all tell you to kick her to the curb.
> ...


Keep reading this. 

What has she got to offer you anymore. 

She needs to understand that you are emotionally strong enough to walk away.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I see this being way to easy for them to connect in the future. 

I do think you can benefit from IC, but I would strongly consider filing for divorce if I were you. She is not sorry, she just wants to keep her lifestyle. 

You don't have to be plan B.

Fool me once.........


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

downhillspiral said:


> So
> 
> 
> The messed up thing I guess is that I do want to give it a shot.


Many betrayed feel this way. You need to decide if you can live with being number two in her life, self medicating with drugs, being her a back up plan, broken trust, her lying and being blamed for her having an affair.

Whatever you do, do not engage in rug sweeping marriage counseling.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

downhillspiral said:


> So, she admitted to sleeping with him. Finally. The OMW and family are going on the warpath with him. He is apparently afraid of them. So, looks like fantasy land for OM and WS just disappeared. At first she said she was cutting it off for me, but then later, said it was because she was realizing that WS and OM were not going to be able to continue bc OM has too much to lose and OMW has already told him that if it continues then she will be taking him for everything she can get. Is it messed up that I'm not like that? That I'm just rolling with this is the best way I know how? Not really getting outwardly angry, hiding my emotions for the most part.
> 
> Now she is all about making it work and trying to get through this. Scheduling IC and eventually doing MC. Wants to start sleeping in the same bed too. But then jokes about 'open marriage'.
> 
> ...


Until you respect yourself, she will never respect you. You will never have a fulfilling marriage as a doormat. 

It is time to stand up for yourself and your M. See an attorney. Start looking to move on. Do not let her move back in.

Go to an IC yourself and see why the Easy Button is an option for you.

You can have a good marriage again but not as plan B.


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## downhillspiral (Jan 17, 2014)

Oh god, I'm so numb right now. I still have no idea what is going on in my head. They have had sex 3 times that she admits to. Twice in our house. Once Christmas Eve, the other on New Year's Day while I was at work. And once in the hotel room, which was unprotected. 

I had to find out that they had sex more than once and that the hotel night was unprotected from the OMW. We talked for about 45 mins tonight. All the while OM and WS were txting back and forth. I guess I am just in denial so bad from this. It is like my brain ignores everything that has happened. I know what I should do. I know what I need to do. I just can't bring myself to do it. I can't even feel anger right now. 

So.. How much do attorneys normally cost? I want to file, but I feel like I can't abandon her like that because I have cared about her for so long. She will have no where to go. She can't afford to support herself in the area that we live in on her income. Does this mean that I'm gonna be on the hook for maintenance even though she cheated? Is there a separated time requirement in VA for adultery? Can you still do a divorce for adultery without going to court? 

I know she doesn't deserve that kind of respect from me, but I can't help but feel that way.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

downhillspiral said:


> Oh god, I'm so numb right now. I still have no idea what is going on in my head. They have had sex 3 times that she admits to. Twice in our house. Once Christmas Eve, the other on New Year's Day while I was at work. And once in the hotel room, which was unprotected.
> 
> I had to find out that they had sex more than once and that the hotel night was unprotected from the OMW. We talked for about 45 mins tonight. All the while OM and WS were txting back and forth. I guess I am just in denial so bad from this. It is like my brain ignores everything that has happened. I know what I should do. I know what I need to do. I just can't bring myself to do it. I can't even feel anger right now.
> 
> ...


Dude she doesn't give a crap about you if you don't respect yourself who will?
She did this to herself she fired you.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

downhillspiral said:


> Oh god, I'm so numb right now. I still have no idea what is going on in my head. They have had sex 3 times that she admits to. Twice in our house. Once Christmas Eve, the other on New Year's Day while I was at work. And once in the hotel room, which was unprotected.
> 
> I had to find out that they had sex more than once and that the hotel night was unprotected from the OMW. We talked for about 45 mins tonight. All the while OM and WS were txting back and forth. I guess I am just in denial so bad from this. It is like my brain ignores everything that has happened. I know what I should do. I know what I need to do. I just can't bring myself to do it. I can't even feel anger right now.
> 
> ...


See an attorney and find out. Make sure she knows.

Start the disclosure process as well.

She has to go no contact (NC) with the OM. Make her win you back.

The stronger you are now, the better you will heal. That is even if you R. It has been far more than 3 times. She is only with you because OM does not want her. Never be a plan B


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

downhill

Like I said. We know you are hurting.

Stop worrying about your right now.

Because she does not give a crap about you.

Speak with the attorney.

And get your assets protected right now. Start tomorrow.

I guarantee you are numb now, but in a few days or weeks you are going to get pissed off.

Take care of yourself.

HM


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Aloha redditor, I'm glad you found the board. Your gut knows this is not fixable. You just have to break the habit of putting her feelings in front of yours. 

Stay rational. Keep talking to your counselor and take care of yourself. She is not worthy of the kindness and loyalty you have shown but someone out there is. 

You should be very proud of how you have handled this horrible situation. 

You are no ones second choice.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

downhillspiral said:


> Where did you people hide the Staples "Easy Button"?


Let me get this straight Dawg. She basically told you that the OMW made him end it with her, now she wants to work it out with you and you want to go for it. Is that what you're saying?

You need to understand to that some folks don't have as "Easy Button" to hide. They are the ones usually not married to those with the "Lets see how far I can push the envelop Button"



downhillspiral said:


> I know she doesn't deserve that kind of respect from me, but I can't help but feel that way.


You're trying to come across like a good guy but you're looking like a chump my man. The reality is that you're not afraid she can't make it without you. You're afraid she can. The other thing is they screwed more than once, unprotected, every time they saddled up; not just in the hotel.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You 'have been married for 2 yr 9 mo." And she's already having an affair.

You're so new in this marriage. Your wife should be in a honeymoon stage of the marriage. Yet, she out there cheating on you.

Given her adultery and her psychological issues, your future looks bleak. Get out. Get out. Use the get-out-of-jail card she just gave you. Leave. Run away quick.


(or, stay if you want to be miserable. For goodness sake, dont have kids - you'll condemn them.)


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

aug said:


> You 'have been married for 2 yr 9 mo." And she's already having an affair.
> 
> You're so new in this marriage. Your wife should be in a honeymoon stage of the marriage. Yet, she out there cheating on you.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

downhillspiral said:


> Oh god, I'm so numb right now. I still have no idea what is going on in my head. They have had sex 3 times that she admits to. Twice in our house. Once Christmas Eve, the other on New Year's Day while I was at work. And once in the hotel room, which was unprotected.
> 
> I had to find out that they had sex more than once and that the hotel night was unprotected from the OMW. We talked for about 45 mins tonight. All the while OM and WS were txting back and forth. I guess I am just in denial so bad from this. It is like my brain ignores everything that has happened. I know what I should do. I know what I need to do. I just can't bring myself to do it. I can't even feel anger right now.
> 
> ...


At this stage...this is no longer about her. Dude, if you TRULY want things to change, then YOU need to change. 

"If you always do what you've always done; you'll always what you've always got."

Books to read NOW: Love Must Be Tough by James Dobsen. Read something, anything on CODEPENDENCY. Brother, take a hard look at yourself concerning codependency...your reaction to rescue your wife is probably habitual...and if you don't get a handle of YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR it WILL happen again.

This mess isn't about the fact that you never loved our wife enough, okay? So stop trying harder...it will only push her away more. She is sick, bro...and you are NOT her doctor. You CAN'T fix her...she has to pursue that herself. You need to fix yourself...go to counseling for codependency. I would even go as far to guess that your wife is a sex addict...if she cheated this soon in the marriage...talking about open marriage...she probably has done this before. In any case, she needs counseling. 

My opinion is that you ought to separate...your are TOO WRAPPED UP in this woman...barely even have an identity apart from her...that's why you can't say no to her. She is your world...and that means you are losing your world when she leaves you...and that scares the hell out of you. That's NOT how it's supposed to be...not when your wife cheats on you. When someone cheats on you, you set boundaries, you let them know, this hurts and is unacceptable...AND IT MUST STOP. But I don't think your wife is ready to stop...she is still in the emotional whirlwind of the affair...and now that it has been put on hold, she is going to crash into deep depression. Watch. And you are going to try to console her...and she may play along to stay in a warm bed...but she is going to miss her drug and will be going through withdrawal...and blame you for her unhappiness. And then you will try harder and harder...pushing her away more and more...and she will lose more respect for you and leave you again at the first opportunity. i am not trying to speak ill or false prophesy...but this is the cheater/codependent cycle.

If you want to reconcile. Fine. But I highly suggest a period of separation so you can be clearheaded and not so wrapped up in her that you aren't making the growths you need as a man to avoid this trap again. I'm serious about codependency...read up on it. Don't disclose to your wife on how you've tracked e-mails and texts. Because while you are separated or whatever you end up doing while trying to work on things...she is going to prove her intentions through her actions. I can almost guarantee that she hasn't given up on this guy yet. Just be aware of you limits...if she just keeps it up and keeps it up...then that is doing damage to you. Studies show that BS actually suffer and exhibit signs of mental and emotional trauma...and if you find yourself shaking, hypervigilant, unable to sleep, keyed up...you probably are suffering from sort of generalized anxiety or a more acute damage shown in the way of PTSD. Take care of yourself. Stop questioning yourself.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

downhillspiral said:


> Oh god, I'm so numb right now. I still have no idea what is going on in my head. They have had sex 3 times that she admits to. Twice in our house. Once Christmas Eve, the other on New Year's Day while I was at work. And once in the hotel room, which was unprotected.
> 
> I had to find out that they had sex more than once and that the hotel night was unprotected from the OMW. *We talked for about 45 mins tonight. All the while OM and WS were txting back and forth.* I guess I am just in denial so bad from this. It is like my brain ignores everything that has happened. I know what I should do. I know what I need to do. I just can't bring myself to do it. I can't even feel anger right now.
> 
> ...



Seriously?

I would have grabbed the phone out of her hand and smashed it under my foot. 

You seriously need to find your manhood. I rarely ever bash betrayed husbands for being weak but...

Dude...


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Seriously?
> 
> I would have grabbed the phone out of her hand and smashed it under my foot.
> 
> ...


:iagree::scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## cbnero (Dec 6, 2013)

Elevate yourself to 50,000 feet and objectively look at yourself, her, and this whole situation. What do you see? Remove the emotion and become aware of what is real and what is not.

I sense a lot of fear.

She is having sex with another man. How does that make you feel? Do you think she is worried about how you feel right now? Or your future?

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

I'm glad you found TAM. The script is right on cue and that's why all of us, can share the same experience with you. We told you to expose...you did...aren't you glad you did.....and the results so far are so predictable. Your wife is getting thrown under the bus (from everyone). If the OM wants to save his marriage, your wife is history.

Just remember your wife is still deep in a fog. Very deep. Add that to her depression issues, etc..and it's going to be some time to see normalcy or real forgiveness from her.

You just go about your business...eat better, hit the gym, meet friends, go out, meet with the other woman to share info, etc...and disregard your wife. Yes schedule a meeting with an attorney and get your ducks in order.

The balance of power should be completely shifting to you. She is being left to hang and dry. It is up to you, at some point, not her, who controls the situation and decides if D or R is the best route to take.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

downhillspiral said:


> Now she is all about making it work and trying to get through this. Scheduling IC and eventually doing MC. Wants to start sleeping in the same bed too. *But then jokes about 'open marriage'*.


That's all you need to know.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

downhillspiral said:


> I want to file, but I feel like I can't abandon her like that because I have cared about her for so long. She will have no where to go. She can't afford to support herself in the area that we live in on her income. Does this mean that I'm gonna be on the hook for maintenance even though she cheated? Is there a separated time requirement in VA for adultery? Can you still do a divorce for adultery without going to court?
> 
> I know she doesn't deserve that kind of respect from me, but I can't help but feel that way.


Talk to a lawyer. ASAP.
And kick her to the gutter.
There's no way back from this.

Man, you don't own her anything, she gives sh1t about you, it's obvious, likely she never did (her behavior since the very beggining means she just found you convenient for her at the time). OM can take care of her.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Sex three times and they were in love and get married? Dude, really?

It was a lot more than three times.

He never intended to leave his family.

She was just another **** to him.

Ask her to take a polygraph. I can't believe this is her first rodeo, she's to easy.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

downhillspiral said:


> I had to find out that they had sex more than once and that the hotel night was unprotected from the OMW. We talked for about 45 mins tonight.
> 
> I feel like I can't abandon her like that because I have cared about her for so long. She will have no where to go. She can't afford to support herself in the area that we live in on her income.
> 
> I know she doesn't deserve that kind of respect from me, but I can't help but feel that way.



SURE! Why not give her a hug and tell that all is ok! :slap:


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, how did you manage to turn it around where you are abandoning her when in truth she abandonded you for another man?


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## downhillspiral (Jan 17, 2014)

I have no idea. I was a mess last night when I made my last post. I talked to my parents for a long time last night. It helped to have them give me advice knowing that they love me and they love(d) my wife. They say the same things ya'll say. Get out now, you are still young, let her deal with her own mess. If she ends up poor, harms herself, or whatever it is not my fault. She did this. All of it. I guess it just hits harder when it is someone you know and someone who really knows you. They are offering help financially if it is needed, so that is reassuring. I would prefer it if they didn't have to though.

Also talked to a co-worker that went through divorce with his wife. He kinda danced around the issue of R. But in our talk I thought of a perfect analogy for this situation. A broken glass, glued back together, it still a broken glass. It will never look the same or be as strong. 

Your words here have encouraged and helped me see that I am not abandoning her. She checked out at some point and I'm just now getting the message. Denial is a hard thing to recognize. I still want us to split amicably and b/c of the requirements in VA for divorce due to adultery are seemingly silly I think we will probably have to do no-contest. I am going to consult an attorney about that and show him what I have and get an opinion. Maybe she feels guilty enough to testify on her own behalf instead of taking the 5th. Otherwise, I will have to get into a heated discussion that is recorded and try to get her to admit to it since VA is a One-party state when it comes to recordings. 

I have filled out a VA Marital Separation Agreement. Took off work today b/c I had made a list of lawyers and was going to schedule appointments and go to the bank. Was going to have lawyer look over MSA and see if he saw any issues with it as far as being held up. I filled it out thinking the best of circumstances, but it can be modified if needed.

Woke up and realized it is MLK day and everything is closed. Went to work to figure out possible leave issues if they arise and talked to HR about any resources available. Going to work tomorrow but will call some lawyers to set something up ASAP. Any recommendations for Northern VA?

So, thanks for smackin' me around a bit last night. It was hard to see really how irrational I was being with me feelings. At least this might keep my therapist entertained on Friday.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

downhillspiral said:


> I have no idea. I was a mess last night when I made my last post. I talked to my parents for a long time last night. It helped to have them give me advice knowing that they love me and they love(d) my wife. They say the same things ya'll say. Get out now, you are still young, let her deal with her own mess. If she ends up poor, harms herself, or whatever it is not my fault. She did this. All of it. I guess it just hits harder when it is someone you know and someone who really knows you. They are offering help financially if it is needed, so that is reassuring. I would prefer it if they didn't have to though.
> 
> Also talked to a co-worker that went through divorce with his wife. He kinda danced around the issue of R. But in our talk I thought of a perfect analogy for this situation. A broken glass, glued back together, it still a broken glass. It will never look the same or be as strong.
> 
> ...


great news!
i'm happy to hear your family is around to offer such support.
you can do this!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Oops, posted as I was replying. NVM. Looks like you are grasping the level of disrespect she has shown you.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Downhill,

You are already accepting that this is a lesson, about how to have enough self respect for yourself so you won't be treated like this again. Good for you. Start building yourself up not to be so codependent on someone else ever again. 

Start here, get these today and start your journey right. 
"Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Kay
"No More Mr Nice Guy" by Glover. 

Best wishes. 
"


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

downhillspiral said:


> So, thanks for smackin' me around a bit last night.


You're welcome Dawg. We're open 24-7.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

*downhillspiral*.

All I can say to you is (in true MK style)...*"FINISH HER!!!!"*


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

You really need to start looking out for you and not for her.

Has she been tested for stds? 

Have you, now that she could have stds?

Is she pregnant from the OM? 

Get out now and get her completely out of your life. Let her have her "open marriage"!


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

You will receive a lot of life saving advice here at TAM but, if you are going to continue thinking with your heart and not your head, it will all be for nothing. 

I know exactly were you are coming from. I had the same problem but with more men. You still think that you are married. You are not.

You need to come up with a plan on what to do for yourself for the next month, then three months, then year.

Keep writing to us and we will keep an eye out for you. David


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> If you are not going to expose this, your WW will be having sex with this POS soon (if she hasn't already; I think the evidence points to the fact she already has).


But she said it was just beers and TV!

Really sorry you are here downhillspiral.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

DownwardSpiral you are going to get through this brother. 

You made the best step forwards by exposing to family and dtarting the D process. Do her parents and siblings know what she is doing? If not you need to tell them so that she does not make you out to be the bad guy in the divorce. 

Now that you have made the decision to D, you need to start detaching. Following is the "180". It will help you emotionally fortify yourself for the additional pain and anger you will be experiencing over the next year or so. 

Print it out and keep it close to you at all times. Work it until you memorize it. And don't feel bad if, in a moment of weakness, you lapse and go off it. Just get up, dust yourself off and continue on with it. 

Read it, learn it and apply it daily and it will help you detach emotionally from her, as well as steel you against any further trauma. 





> From another site...
> Q:
> 
> What is 180 and how does it work?
> ...


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Please keep listening to your parents! Your WW never loved you unconditionally the way they have. They have your best interests at heart, not her. She decided the grass was greener somewhere else and had no trouble hurting you terribly. That is not love, not by any definition.

If the OM is really outed to his family and it looks like he is no longer an option for her for the long term, she may try hard to reattach to you. You are her plan B - please remember this, no matter what your kind heart tells you. Stay strong. Let the people who really love you guide you.


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## downhillspiral (Jan 17, 2014)

She is trying really hard tonight. Trying to make me feel bad and stuff. 

But in good news, if it is needed, I have a recorded conversation now with her saying she cheated on me in our house, and she was doing him on Christmas Eve. She also admits to the unprotected sex, saying that he didn't finish inside her, and that due to her cycle that if she is pregnant it couldn't be mine. So, I guess I have that going for me.


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

This whole thing is pretty horrific right now but I can assure you that you will be much better off in the long run.

It won't be hard to find someone better when you're ready to look. She sounds awful.

Think of it as a difficult but necessary step towards a better life.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Not even three years together and she's doing this?
You can do a lot better next time around.


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## Syco (Sep 25, 2013)

In your own house?!?!

Put them up on cheaterville. Enough said.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

OP,
Have you considered asking her to leave? If she can not is it possible for you to leave? 

I think you need to get away from her. There are far better women out there. Give yourself another chance to have a better life. 

Clay


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> 180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person.



A lot of that stuff you ought to be doing anyway.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Clay2013 said:


> OP,
> If she can not is it possible for you to leave?
> 
> I think you need to get away from her. There are far better women out there. Give yourself another chance to have a better life.
> ...



Oh ya its possible. I know several that had enough and literally left in their vehicle with the clothes on their back. If his concern about her welfare overwhelms him, give her temporary support until she's has a chance to get on her feet and/or find a sugar daddy. Even with temporary support its probably cost effective and less nerve racking. (if she's there with the stench of her boyfriend on her, its not like she's living free. It would be worth the money to get the situation out of my face if it were me )


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> Oh ya its possible. I know several that had enough and literally left in their vehicle with the clothes on their back. If his concern about her welfare overwhelms him, give her temporary support until she's has a chance to get on her feet and/or find a sugar daddy. Even with temporary support its probably cost effective and less nerve racking. (if she's there with the stench of her boyfriend on her, its not like she's living free. It would be worth the money to get the situation out of my face if it were me )


I completely agree. I hope he realizes this. I would have her packing her bags as we speak. 

He deserves so much better and she is going to keep abusing him as long as he lets her. 

Clay


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

syhoybenden said:


> Not even three years together and she's doing this?
> You can do a lot better next time around.


... most of the marriage was sexless to begin with!


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Acabado said:


> ... most of the marriage was sexless to begin with!


I think it was only sexless for him.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> A lot of that stuff you ought to be doing anyway.


And just who out there teaches this stuff? No one is brought up knowing this stuff. The 180 is counterintuitive, that's why it tends to throw the wayward for a loop.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Down,

The best mindset to have right now, is that you are heading straight to divorce and that you'd be shocked if she did the things she needed to do, for you to re-consider.

The more heinous the betrayal, the more she demonstrates lack of remorse; the greater her consequences should be. Because without them, you can't adequately test her remorse - should she "appear" to turn around.

- No matter what you hear, make sure you inform the OMW with your information. Also her family if you haven't.

- Keep implementing the 180 and start the D process. 

- Separate your finances. You owe her NOTHING.

- Encourage her to leave your home asap.

- Until she does;stay busy, stay away from her as much as possible and talk to her as little as possible. Shouldn't be difficult without children to discuss, but if you do have to talk to her, remain calm and indifferent - just like the 180 describes.

Those are the "heading straight for divorce" consequences. If by some miracle, she starts to demonstrate remorse and you think you want to consider R; don't stop the D process and don't allow her back in the house right away. Check back for more advice. She'd still have to receive and accept the "so you want me to consider R" consequences. No need to go into that right now, because she's miles away from that.


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## downhillspiral (Jan 17, 2014)

Update for the day, nothing really major. Talked to OMW again, they have 'had sex more times than he can remember' and more that 2 times it was at my house. She is getting closer to being done with it. Which will benefit her in the long run, and may benefit me in the short term. 

WS and OM are still texting and calling each other on the phone. He says that my wife quit her job. While it is true that she did not go to work today, she hasn't made any mention of it. Is this a tactic of hers to try to get me to stay? Is this something that would be considered in the courts if she quit after I found out about the affair?

I am hoping that once she does gain knowledge of all of the evidence I have against her, she will just agree to end it quick and quietly. I have an appointment with an attorney tomorrow for consult.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

downhillspiral said:


> Update for the day, nothing really major. Talked to OMW again, they have 'had sex more times than he can remember' and more that 2 times it was at my house. She is getting closer to being done with it. Which will benefit her in the long run, and may benefit me in the short term.
> 
> WS and OM are still texting and calling each other on the phone. He says that my wife quit her job. While it is true that she did not go to work today, she hasn't made any mention of it. Is this a tactic of hers to try to get me to stay? Is this something that would be considered in the courts if she quit after I found out about the affair?
> 
> I am hoping that once she does gain knowledge of all of the evidence I have against her, she will just agree to end it quick and quietly. I have an appointment with an attorney tomorrow for consult.


Do not say anything to your w tonight and LISTEN to the attorney.
If you don't like this attorney, talk to another.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Please keep listening to your parents! Your WW never loved you unconditionally the way they have. They have your best interests at heart, not her. She decided the grass was greener somewhere else and had no trouble hurting you terribly. That is not love, not by any definition.
> 
> If the OM is really outed to his family and it looks like he is no longer an option for her for the long term, she may try hard to reattach to you. You are her plan B - please remember this, no matter what your kind heart tells you. Stay strong. Let the people who really love you guide you.


Plese reread what "alte Dame" wrote here, if your wife is still texting OM she probably still have hope to get together with him (as many WW when the husband is filing divorce, this happnened to users like "betrayed dad" and "hard to detach") but once that she finally gives up hope in OM (and you will notie it because she will stop texting) will focus 100% her attention on you, and will try to convince you to not divorce, she will use sex, guilt, love words, anything (again just like "betrayed dad" and "hard to detach") don't let yourself be fooled again, if she cheated on you in the honey moon stage of your marriage, the she will surely cheat again when a new suitor begins to pay attention to her.

you can not change the fact that she let another man in your house and bed, but you can make sure that disgusting act never happens again, *get rid of her*


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## Syco (Sep 25, 2013)

I am not posting the following with the intention of insulting or humiliating you. I am on your side. 

Before you can make any decision regarding reconciliation (if that is what you want) - you need to regain control of your own life. 

Right now you are too focused on your wife and her cumbucket. You are the one that has been betrayed! She stabbed *you* in the back and you're talking to her affair partner?!?!

You need to detach from them (180). Focus on you!! Go see a lawyer (you're doing that tomorrow) and hit the gym. Take out whatever frustrations you have etc. 

How you go on from here is up to you. One option could be: Writing an email to close family members telling them you are filing for divorce due to a 3rd party. Then link them to the cheaterville post. 

Another could be asking her to move out to go live with her boyfriend or whatever. 

The point is you need to start focusing on you!!!! Not her, not him, not dumbledore - YOU!!!!


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

downhillspiral said:


> she hasn't made any mention of it. Is this a tactic of hers to try to get me to stay? Is this something that would be considered in the courts if she quit after I found out about the affair?


go to your lawyer and work different scenarios, I don't know if you are in a no fault state, but ask your lawyer your options, also maybe OMW can help you to collect more proofs.

detach from her, in a really disrespecteful and disguting way she is still having an affair with him in your face, with all the messaging that she is doing with him. Do 180, hang out with firends and family, if posible just communicate with her for legal matters.


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## LeaderInTraining (Nov 27, 2013)

As someone who is in similar shoes, but several months further in the journey, I completely agree with what's been said. An affair is literally a drug addiction. I grew up with a dad on drugs, and it's exactly the same thing. The denial, the rationalization, the victim status.

A big thing that was affecting me, and may be affecting you, is that I needed my wife's approval. I couldn't be in charge, because I couldn't upset her. The root of that for me was growing up with a controlling mother who had to be pleased all the time. So I learned to never stand up to a woman.

I highly recommend:
Married Man Sex Life Primer - by Athol Kay (available in Kindle form, can be read instantly online or on any smart phone)
Love Must Be Tough - by James Dobson (also available in Kindle form)

These books, plus reading lots of blogs in the "manosphere" have really changed my thinking.

You have to realize that being a doormat is not okay. I'm a Christian and a strong follower of Jesus, but not even he let people just walk over him. Yes, he laid down his life, when he decided to. He's not the nice guy today's church describes him as. Yes, he held children and healed people. But he also turned over the tables in the temple and drove out the merchants and animals with a whip! He wasn't afraid to stand for what's right.

A few of the things I have learned:
Don't believe what you hear. She's in a fog so thick you could cut it. She couldn't tell you which end's up if her life depended on it.
You don't need her approval or her opinion. She's already shown how accurate her assessment of right and wrong are.
Man up. Become more of a man. It's not your job to be nice and supportive all the time. It's your job to stand for what's right.
Surround yourself with man friends. If you have issues trusting men, get over it. You need good men in your life.
She's going to try to have her cake and eat it too. You have to be ultra clear, not by words but by actions, that you won't stand for that.

Less talking. More doing.

We are currently on the mend, but first I had to completely change and not need her approval at all. That's what she wanted in the first place. Women know their emotions can't be trusted, so they want a man who's willing to stand up to them when they're wrong.

You got this, man. You're on the right track. Don't agree to any chance of R until it's clear that you'll be setting the terms and she'll be following them. If she's in the lead, you're toast.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

downhillspiral said:


> Talked to OMW again, they have 'had sex more times than he can remember' and more that 2 times it was at my house. She is getting closer to being done with it. Which will benefit her in the long run, and may benefit me in the short term.


This is normal with affairs. The APs will bang each other every which way, every where they can, every chance they get. She probably gave him fantastic porn star sex, while at the same time left you starving for it. She did things for him that she would never do for you.

If the OMW decides to dump her WH, expect the OM to do a full court press to save his marriage. That includes throwing your WW under the bus. Of course that means she will come running to you again because you're Plan B to her.



downhillspiral said:


> WS and OM are still texting and calling each other on the phone.


Of course they are. They are rubbing the affair in your face. 



downhillspiral said:


> He says that my wife quit her job.


Here's one rule when it comes to coping with infidelity: DO NOT EVER BELIEVE THE OM/OW. Whatever comes out of their mouth is a lie until you can verify otherwise.



downhillspiral said:


> While it is true that she did not go to work today, she hasn't made any mention of it. Is this a tactic of hers to try to get me to stay? Is this something that would be considered in the courts if she quit after I found out about the affair?


No, its not considered. It has no bearing on the divorce whatsoever. 



downhillspiral said:


> I am hoping that once she does gain knowledge of all of the evidence I have against her, she will just agree to end it quick and quietly. I have an appointment with an attorney tomorrow for consult.


The thing is, I can see that you're still emotionally vulnerable. You say you're ready to let her go, yet you're looking for a way to not do this. I'm 90 percent sure that right now, if she turned on the waterworks, said that she ended it with OM, and pretended to be remorseful, you would quickly jump into R (reconciliation), then you would stop posting here. For some guys, it takes DDay2 or DDay 3 before they wake up and say enough is enough. I see it here all the time.

You already know that you are Plan B. Don't be Plan B. You're young. You have no kids with her. You've been married less than 3 years. The logical thing you should do is divorce her. In this type of situation, I don't advise R, I advise D. She cheats on you this early in the marriage, how much more down the road when you have kids, and have the added stress of raising a family and bills to pay?


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Sorry your here. I read all your posts but I skipped the advice from other posters. I just wasn't sure if you where advised to get an STD test asap. Your going to be fine and your handling this as gracefully as you can. Hang in there.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

There have been many here that have the [problem of a cheating wife. A wife they caught cheating anywhere from a few years ago to 10, 20, or 30 years ago.

Your wife has shown you who and what she is, believe her.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I want to emphasize detaching. Cut her off, emotionally.

This is about as blatant as it gets. Joking about an open marriage, still texting and talking to the OM after being busted.

Do the 180. Stop with the conversations unless it has to do with bills. No conversation. 

No MC. what is the point?

You seem to be getting better at this so keep going. 

Don't share with her the evidence. 

Watch what you say to the OM's family. 

You have to go cold on your wife.


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## LeaderInTraining (Nov 27, 2013)

downhillspiral said:


> WS and OM are still texting and calling each other on the phone. He says that my wife quit her job. While it is true that she did not go to work today, she hasn't made any mention of it. Is this a tactic of hers to try to get me to stay?


It's hard to say. It could be a tactic to get ready to run with him. Right now she's probably trying to keep all her options open, so she can pick the provider who's the best FOR HER.

If she's home another day, I would contact her employer, mention that your wife has been home from work for two days, and ask if everything is okay. Either way, you'll find out what's going on without letting on that you're getting info from OMW.


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

Downhill, 

Update us when you get a chance.


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## downhillspiral (Jan 17, 2014)

Hey folks, 
Was gonna update last night but I was feeling really down and I think anything I posted would have been negative and annoying. So here's the update. 

I talked to the first attorney (have an appointment with another tomorrow). He said if we can sit down and be civil about it we can save a lot of money and time. I do want to use an attorney to at least draft the property separation agreement and the final divorce papers b/c I am not well versed in legalese. 

As far as WS goes. I went over to a friends on Tuesday night to chill and eat. He and his girlfriend have both dealt with infidelity so it was good to be around people and be able to discuss things that have happened. It was snowing like crazy up here, so WS was texting and calling trying to find out where I was. I let her know that I was ok, and that I would be coming home eventually. Got home around 10pm and she was already asleep. 

Wednesday I went to work early, went to the lawyer after work, got home around 5:30. She hid in her bedroom downstairs after I got home. 

Today I let her know what the attorney said about possible costs, and that once she has been out of the house for 6 months I will mail her the papers to sign and she will not have to come back here to go to court or anything, as long as we remain civil. At this point if we can do this nice and easy, I am willing to be nice and easy about it. But I cannot stay in this marriage. 

So after I informed her of that, she never came back upstairs. She is probably laying in bed. 

Doing my hardest to stay resolute.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

stay strong, remember is she who choosed this path, you are just reacting as anyone in your position will, reconcilation is not for all and certainly in your marriage should not be an option, is such a Young marriage, she should be still all over you infatuated by you, instead she is already looking for outside validation.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Work that 180. 

Work it...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Use "the guy's" mantra. " I deserve good things" . One thing you do not need is a wife with a disasterous character flaw.


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## downhillspiral (Jan 17, 2014)

I laid down upstairs to watch a movie around 7:30 cause I was sleepy. She has come upstairs twice so far. She came up once with the cat, stood there and looked at me for a bit, put the cat on the bed, and walked out the door. Then like an hour later she came up and asked if she could have some of my zzzzzzzquil. Then kinda stood there for a bit, and went back downstairs.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

now lock your door and go to bed.


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## cbnero (Dec 6, 2013)

Stay strong. You are making good decisions. 

180. No contact.

WINNING!!!!!

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Downhillspiral

You are doing real well!
You seem to have the legal thing at a very good start
You have made the decision to D
You are doing the 180


*Now get some people that will help you stay strong.* You mentioned some friends and your parents so use them as much as possible. You have emotional support so use them and anyone else that can help with your resolve. Also find something that you can do to take your mind off your wife. You may not be able to keep her out of your mind 100% but get her out of your mind as much as possible.

Do not fool yourself this will come down to a battle that will result in either you being put down more or her being put down more. Make sure that you get ready for a battle of emotions and legal maneuvers. *You are now in the jungle of divorce; lions win and Bambie get eaten alive! You get to chose to be a lion or Bambie!*

Right now you just look out for yourself 100%; do not try and be nicey nicey; too late for that. She may get remorseful (Remorseful for her benefit?) but that does not change the fact that you were plan B at best. After you get D you can always get back together with her, if that is what you decide, after you get better able to judge her real motives if they are pure. *Do not make a conclusion on her remorseful talk and actions until you have been able to watch her and test her for at least 1-2 years*.

You have been hurt bad so watch out that when she makes some moves that make you feel good that you do not compromise. You are emotionally weak and want relief real bad so do not *follow your feelings follow your mind that you know to be right!*


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## downhillspiral (Jan 17, 2014)

I go through phases of intense denial. Thinking tht maybe this was a dream, that maybe she is just playing a trick. But the events have happened, the evidence and admissions are there. I am really messed up. I can get better. I can become a better person. I can find someone that will show me unconditional love. I will be happy again, maybe for the first time. 

Thanks for the support. I didnt want this, but it is the hand that I've been dealt. Guess I have to play it out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

stay strong. you'll get through this!


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## downhillspiral (Jan 17, 2014)

Things have been calm lately. I am still on the path to D, lawyer is sending papers for me to fill out to start the prop sep agreement. WS has finally accepted that this is going to happen, she stopped pushing for MC, stopped trying to get me to agree to just being roommates, stopped trying to blame me, or depression, or our marriage. But that is probably only because the OM and OMW are supposedly getting D as well. So, maybe that will make it easier for her to leave. Which will make it easier on me. 

Again, thanks for the support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Downhill just focus on yourself, the 180, the D, your health and well-being. Let her deal with her life. Go dark on her as much as possible except for talking about the kids and the D. 

You are Spock: neutral emotions around her. Treat her like a houseplant.

Get out and work out every day, hang with your mates, go out when you want and make her take care of the kids. 

She's made her decision so just let her go. 

Each day will get easier. 

Read Whyme's thread if you need some inspiration.


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## downhillspiral (Jan 17, 2014)

I'm a little drunk.

I feel like my life is over. Where do I go from here. She isn't home, no idea where she is. I hate all the thoughts going through my head. I shouldn't care, I know. I should just be happy to have time alone. I have a lawyer on retainer that is working on the Property separation agreement. But what happens now? How do I come home to an empty house. She has been my life for the last 5 years. Why does this happen. What could I have done. If there is a god, he is vengeful and evil. I have tried all my life to be a good person. I have some issues, but I never beat her, verbally abused her, financially abused her or anything. All I did was try to love her the best way I knew how to. I guess it wasn't enough. Will it ever be enough for anyone? Maybe I'm just a ****ty person and I'm in denial about it. 

New rule, never get married, never get attached.... it only leads to this.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

Don't drink bro. Alcohol makes it worse.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

The bottle is not your friend.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

True--- it only brings you down and makes you sad...but comedy shows rocks. Especially some Dane Cook or similar. 

You have any buddies you could call over for some bro time?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

It is hell right now. 

But do the 180 and get her out of your life. 

Do not show her any emotion. Show that you are so happy that this cheater will get out of your life. 

The OM will cheat with her and will cheat on her. 

Get rid of the bottle, go exercise. 

Expose, expose and expose. Get her out of your life.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

i'm sorry you are feeling so bad about yourself right now. like others have said, alcohol is not the best thing for you now. 

are you exercising? hanging out with friends?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

This has nothing to do with you. Your wife is, sadly, broken. This is 100% her thing. She is broken and she is the only one who can get herself straightened out.

Yes you are hurting, that's what happens when broken people hurt good people. Look at this as an oppurtunity to get free and find a new life. There were no doubt signs that you ignored before you married her. Maybe not. But next time, don't pick a fixer upper. You can do it, just read all the threads here that that is exactly what happens.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, google infidelity statistics. The chances your two cheaters will make it three years are only one out of ten. If they make it that long, they have a one in ten chance of making it ten years. In other words, the chances he's prince charming are slim and none.


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