# How Do I Fix This Mess I Made?



## time2live (Apr 13, 2011)

I don't get it, I had a good childhood (well some weird stuff but pretty minor), a VERY easy live thanks to overindulgent parents, married to nice guy, 2 beautiful kids and am miserable most of the time. 

It sounds like I'm depressed and while that might be part of the issue, I really don't want to be on meds - tried that, side effects worse than the cure. I found that exercise makes the most difference but that can only do so much.

So, getting past that, I know that the heart of my problems is that I've made some pretty bad decisions. In my late 20's I decided I *had* to get married no matter what. I really felt that I wouldn't be human or at least not female if I didn't. I was and am a pretty feminine person so marriage and children were boxes to check off for me regardless of any consequences. I remember thinking many times, I don't care if it works out or not, at least I can *say* I was married - like that somehow validated my entire existence. Looking back I'd give anything to slap myself silly but really, the feeling was so incredibly strong, I can't imagine doing anything else - weird but there it is.

So, after dating a lot of guys and probably scaring them off, I finally found one that was ambivalent about life and after a year or so talked him into marriage. Being single and young it was pretty easy to "fake" being in love and attracted to him - there were some occasions where I actually felt it and I was great at pushing any worries off into the future where I'd just deal with it later.

Well later has come and now I'm paying the price for my weakness and selfishness at a young age. I'm lucky that my husband is a pretty good guy but he's not so lucky because all I can do is try and hide from him until he asks for sex. Then I close my eyes, try not to breathe because i think he smells and try to get through it as fast as I can. Then push it out of my mind until he asks again. I know this is not at all good for him but I have to admit that ambivalence about life is probably his saving grace. Just for the record, he can't smell any better - I think everyone and everything smells. I am highly sensitive and squeamish - not exactly cut out for sex am I?

I have two girls and they, poor things, have been raised in a nearly loveless marriage with a short-tempered mom who is more negative than loving. My husband is also an extremely negative person so I really did a number on them. I try my best to pump them up and be a good parent but negativity overwhelms me much of the time and I stumble. Yell, scream then feel bad and try to right myself and do the right thing. Over and over it goes. Wish I was a better "servant" like my mom, she joyfully serves others with little thought for herself.

I feel obligated to fix the mess I made. Been to counselors but sigh - they are so tedious and say things like drink a glass of wine and go on a date night. I'm sure I'll try again, what else can I do?

I don't know what to think or where to turn but the feeling of being repulsed by my husband, not wanting to dress in front of him, not wanting him to see me in the shower, steeling myself for sex because i owe it to him is just a nightmare.

Sorry to unload, not sure where to turn or how to dig myself out of this mess and make it up to everyone!


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## Ser Pounce-A-Lot (Apr 7, 2011)

time2live said:


> I don't get it, I had a good childhood (well some weird stuff but pretty minor), a VERY easy live thanks to overindulgent parents, married to nice guy, 2 beautiful kids and am miserable most of the time.
> 
> It sounds like I'm depressed and while that might be part of the issue, I really don't want to be on meds - tried that, side effects worse than the cure. I found that exercise makes the most difference but that can only do so much.
> 
> ...



Hi,

Firstly, I think alot of people get to mid-life and start to question things. Before I respond, this is what helped me (especially the part about marrying the 'right person') -> Mid Life Crisis . Moving on, in my situation what I found was that I was too focused on what I could get out of the marriage rather than what I could give to my spouse. When I focused on my needs I couldn't get them met no matter what I tried. When I focused on my spouses needs, in a weird twist, I found that I was happier. I've been in your situation of negativity. It is happening because there is no emotional connection between you. For a marriage to thrive you need to be on the same team. At the moment, it sounds like you are enemies. 

For some practical advice, try engaging in some of his interests. Even if you have no interest yourself. See how you feel after and compare it to before. Anyway, that is a starting point. If you want to have a successful marriage, I feel you need to be pro-active and love your spouse (Love being a verb, in my vocabulary). 

That's my advice. Hope that is of some help.

Take care.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Ser Pounce-A-Lot said:


> Hi,
> 
> Firstly, I think alot of people get to mid-life and start to question things. Before I respond, this is what helped me (especially the part about marrying the 'right person') -> Mid Life Crisis . Moving on, in my situation what I found was that I was too focused on what I could get out of the marriage rather than what I could give to my spouse. When I focused on my needs I couldn't get them met no matter what I tried. When I focused on my spouses needs, in a weird twist, I found that I was happier. I've been in your situation of negativity. It is happening because there is no emotional connection between you. For a marriage to thrive you need to be on the same team. At the moment, it sounds like you are enemies.
> 
> ...


Very good advice! :smthumbup:

It is a great feeling to know that our spouses are happy because we have done something for them!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Time2live,

The feeling is in your mind! The fear is in your mind! 

We often make mistakes when we are young, and some mistakes affect our adult life. 

Now you realize that the man you married is not your true love, and you yearn for true love, you don't like the feeling he is touching you! It is disturbing you! 

I can't say you are selfish, I can only say the mistake you made is affecting another man's happiness, and your own. 

How do you solve it? 

Be direct with him, tell him what you feel, if you want to work out your relationship with him, then work out together! If you can't work out your relationship, tell him too, it is better to end it sooner than later. He has his right to have happiness too, you know!


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## Ser Pounce-A-Lot (Apr 7, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> Very good advice! :smthumbup:
> 
> It is a great feeling to know that our spouses are happy because we have done something for them!


 Thank you

Absolutely, couldn't agree more


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## nynaeve3 (Apr 12, 2011)

Time2live, I agree with Greenpearl, if you are unhappy and you say your husband is a negative person and you worry about the impact it's having on your children then be honest with him (him understanding how you feel, and possibly you hearing some of his issues alone may help) and if it's a no go, then at least you know, go your separate ways and both are free to find happiness in new partners.


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## time2live (Apr 13, 2011)

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read my post. I subscribed to the mid-life crises newsletter, thanks for that tip. I am also going to seek counseling. I guess the biggest factor here are the kids. If we didnt' have kids, I'm sure we'd be separated in the matter of a few weeks! The kids are 10 and 11 and I think both of us are quietly waiting and trying to endure until they get near the end of high school when separating would cause less damage to them. That's like 7 or 8 more years. There are also finances to consider. I agree with everyone that he has the right to be happy. I am afraid if we really talk it out and agree that we are not right for each other but neither of us want to separate until the kids are older, that would be even stranger. We are also part of a larger family and boy would it not go over well - our parents are probably only going to be with us for another few years at most (mid-80's now) and they would be very devastated on both sides. It's almost like a waiting game, I think the kids would suffer more if we broke up. But, my husband sure suffers more now. So confused!


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## Ser Pounce-A-Lot (Apr 7, 2011)

time2live said:


> Thanks to everyone who took the time to read my post. I subscribed to the mid-life crises newsletter, thanks for that tip. I am also going to seek counseling. I guess the biggest factor here are the kids. If we didnt' have kids, I'm sure we'd be separated in the matter of a few weeks! The kids are 10 and 11 and I think both of us are quietly waiting and trying to endure until they get near the end of high school when separating would cause less damage to them. That's like 7 or 8 more years. There are also finances to consider. I agree with everyone that he has the right to be happy. I am afraid if we really talk it out and agree that we are not right for each other but neither of us want to separate until the kids are older, that would be even stranger. We are also part of a larger family and boy would it not go over well - our parents are probably only going to be with us for another few years at most (mid-80's now) and they would be very devastated on both sides. It's almost like a waiting game, I think the kids would suffer more if we broke up. But, my husband sure suffers more now. So confused!


You're welcome, and it's great to hear that you signed up for the newsletter.  I hope it helps you like it helped me.

One thing I would like to add is that I can understand staying together for the sake of your kids but staying together and being miserable will actually affect your kids in such a negative way that when they grow up they will emulate your marriage dynamics with their future spouses/partners. So, the best thing to do is take action now - which you are doing, so keep it up! 

Take care.


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

Although I agree with much of the advice provided to you in this thread, it seems to me that you did not marry the right man, and now you are too invested in this marriage and family to divorce...despite your being repulsed by him. Very sad. I don't think I would be able to do what you are doing for very long. Is there something about him that you can hold on to? Some sliver of appeal that you had for him long ago? Is there some way that you can find him more appealing than you find him now? I also think that marriage counseling may not be the way to go, rather individual counseling to discover what is causing you to be so sensitive to smell, and so turned-off by sex. Does he know how you are turned off by his smell? Staying in this marriage is not fair to you or him. If my wife said to me what you have said about your husband, I would not want her to stay with me. I am not into taking hostages and I don't ever want to try to convince anyone to love me.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Ser Pounce-A-Lot said:


> Hi,
> 
> Firstly, I think alot of people get to mid-life and start to question things. Before I respond, this is what helped me (especially the part about marrying the 'right person') -> Mid Life Crisis . Moving on, in my situation what I found was that I was too focused on what I could get out of the marriage rather than what I could give to my spouse. When I focused on my needs I couldn't get them met no matter what I tried. When I focused on my spouses needs, in a weird twist, I found that I was happier. I've been in your situation of negativity. It is happening because there is no emotional connection between you. For a marriage to thrive you need to be on the same team. At the moment, it sounds like you are enemies.
> 
> ...


Not to hijack the thread but what if you feel you have LOVED your spouse, engaged in their interests and your needs still aren't being met?

I'm missing that emotional connection with my dh and seem to be unable to get it from him. I love him that isn't the problem but maybe he isn't in love with me anymore. I don't know.

I will sign up for the newsletter. Can't hurt.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Yes, it's "time to live"

Open your browser and look up "Internal Family Systems" therapy - developed by Richard Schwartz.

Then, make an appointment with an IFS certified therapist in your area - and prepare for some major league changes.



time2live said:


> Thanks to everyone who took the time to read my post. I subscribed to the mid-life crises newsletter, thanks for that tip. I am also going to seek counseling. I guess the biggest factor here are the kids. If we didnt' have kids, I'm sure we'd be separated in the matter of a few weeks! The kids are 10 and 11 and I think both of us are quietly waiting and trying to endure until they get near the end of high school when separating would cause less damage to them. That's like 7 or 8 more years. There are also finances to consider. I agree with everyone that he has the right to be happy. I am afraid if we really talk it out and agree that we are not right for each other but neither of us want to separate until the kids are older, that would be even stranger. We are also part of a larger family and boy would it not go over well - our parents are probably only going to be with us for another few years at most (mid-80's now) and they would be very devastated on both sides. It's almost like a waiting game, I think the kids would suffer more if we broke up. But, my husband sure suffers more now. So confused!


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## Ser Pounce-A-Lot (Apr 7, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> Not to hijack the thread but what if you feel you have LOVED your spouse, engaged in their interests and your needs still aren't being met?
> 
> I'm missing that emotional connection with my dh and seem to be unable to get it from him. I love him that isn't the problem but maybe he isn't in love with me anymore. I don't know.
> 
> I will sign up for the newsletter. Can't hurt.


That's a very good question. I will say that from experience while it is definitely nice to have your needs met, the true test as to whether you are loving your spouse is that you keep on loving them regardless of what they give you in return. You don't stop. That is the state of mind that transformed my life & marriage. I changed and did wonderful things for my spouse not because I wanted anything in return, but rather because it was the right thing to do as a loving husband. 

Does that answer your question or do you need more specifics?

Have a good day


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