# Is husband selfish or am I overreacting?



## Morethanthis82 (Jul 6, 2013)

New here and I could really do with some marriage advice. Argh! I don't even know where to start. lol

So my husband and I have been together for give or take 5 years, married for half of that time. Our first few years together were amazing (but then I guess they always are) and we were just as much buddies as we were boyfriend and girlfriend. A lot of things changed when he was diagnosed with bipolar and really went off the rails for a little while. But we got through that time and I've largely come to terms with the problems we've had because of the illness, also thanks to professional counselling. It is, of course, possible that some of the problems I'm experiencing now are due to the illness, but I'm just trying to gauge if this happens in relationships without the presence of a mental illness as well. To be honest, my husband was my first real relationship, so sometimes it's hard to judge for me what is normal as the relationship progresses and what really isn't, if you get what I mean.

Ok, so a few things I'm struggling with and really getting to the point of being fed up... 

As I said before, my H and I were best buds during the first few years of being together and we spent pretty much all our time together. Probably too much time in hindsight, as it kind of moulded my expectations for the future and now the opposite is true. I feel we hardly spend any quality time together and even if we do, I have to take the initiative or 'force' him into it by having a crying fit. I really try my best not to nag, but I've run out of other options. He's gone from a guy who used to complain to me that I was spending too much time at work and 'ruining the relationship' to someone who happily spends every evening in a separate room of the house. Now, I have to say he usually does stay in at night and at weekends, unlike many other men. But he does have one of his friends round for at least an hour or so every night. You see, an additional problem is that he's a chronic cannabis smoker. For the first few years I used to smoke as well, but then I grew up and decided it wasn't serving me anymore. I'm also 6 and a half months pregnant now, so had to pack in cigarettes too. So because I'm not smoking anymore, he kind of needs another smoking buddy, I guess, but then a lot of weed smokers just smoke on their own. It's not necessarily a social thing, right? I've given up trying to get him to quit as it caused more problems and arguments than it was worth and am at this point hoping he will cut down once the baby's here. What I am doing is trying to put my foot down about smoking outside the house. At the moment, he sits in the kitchen a lot on his computer, smoking. He goes out maybe 50% of the time, which is already an improvement, I guess, but...

...and this is another thing that bugs me so much...why does he never do anything I ask him to do or starts doing it and then gives up after a few days? Is this normal for men? It's like whenever I ask him something...whether it's spending more time together or smoking outside the house or not having that one drink in the evening, cause he really shouldn't be drinking alcohol with the pills he's taking...it's like it spurs him on even more to keep doing it! Like telling a child not to do something and they'll want it even more. Am I the only one with this issue?

I'm going to stop now, cause this has turned into quite a rant and probably already too long to read...but I guess my main points are...

1) am I right in demanding he spends more time with me or overreacting? As I don't have that much relationship experience it's hard for me to know how much quality time together is normal at our stage of marriage. I would say, on average, we maybe watch TV together for half an hour to an hour most but not every day. We do the shopping together every week and visit our place of worship nearly every Saturday morning. Once in a while I will organise a day trip or weekend away (rarely, though) for the both of us and we do both enjoy that. But there are just as many weekends and evenings when he's literally stuck in the kitchen and I'm upstairs or in the living room on the laptop and we just do our own separate thing. But what is the norm in this case? And if ours falls below the norm, what can I do about it, apart from telling him, nagging him, getting upset, ignoring the issue in the hope he will realise himself we've not really been together all evening...all things I have already tried.

2) as above...why does he ignore every request I make? Is this normal for guys too, to just do what they want regardless of how it makes someone else feel? I also do all the housework (he just irons his shirts once a week and takes the bins out), run my own freelance business and guaranteed will be taking care of the baby most of the time. Yet when I ask him to do something he's always too tired. I know his pills do make him more tired than other people would be and it's not as easy for him to cope with the mentally draining job he has and being bipolar as well. But surely there is some compromise possible here and he could sacrifice half an hour on his computer playing poker for helping me out or even spending some time with me...

Like I said...ARGH!  Advice, opinions,...? Or am I just a nagging wife who needs to get over herself? I think it would actually make me feel a lot better if I was. lol


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## PM1 (Aug 9, 2011)

Tough situation, sorry to hear about it. I'm no expert, but isn't weed generally de-motivational? I wouldn't start asking if guys in general don't do much vs. habitual weed smokers. And I doubt nagging/crying is the best way to encourage him to want to spend time together. Good luck, it sounds like with the condition and drugs, it is hard for him to meet expectations.


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## Morethanthis82 (Jul 6, 2013)

Hi PM, thanks for your reply. Yes, it is, definitely. However, he was smoking just as heavily when I met him and has been ever since, so it still doesn't explain why his attitude towards me has changed. Anyway, do you really need to be motivated to sit on the couch and spend time with your wife? Shouldn't exactly be a chore, should it...

You're right, nagging/crying definitely not the way forwards, but (as a woman) it's hard not to get emotional if you've been putting up with something for so long your frustration is boiling over. I was hoping for alternative suggestions on what does work...


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

too much weed!

do you want him smoking weed and raising your child?

he has a problem!


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## PM1 (Aug 9, 2011)

What does work? That's actually a bit tough. Seems like it is such a fine line between "communicating" and "nagging." One gets the point across, the other triggers childish reactions. I guess a lot depends on what you would do if he doesn't step up? I'd to my best to communicate how important it is (and how much you like) to spend time together. Maybe couple that with finding activities you both enjoy (or trade off on who picks). Its a weak spot for me, admittedly, we watch too much TV, but we do try and do stuff so it is more just background noise. 

Have you looked at the side effects of his medication? Is it wise to smoke weed with it? That could be part of a change?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

It sounds to me like you lost that 'in common' factor when you stopped smoking. It's something he enjoys doing and unless you are joining in, you're not interesting enough to be around. I don't want to sound harsh, just trying to look at it from a party-er or addicts perspective. Birds of a feather and all of that.

So as a result of this incompatibility, he's choosing escapism (computer). That's his answer to the problem.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Sounds like he has a few addiction problems. Not that weed is an addiction; it's more like a habit. I quit smoking it years ago after a 10 year dance with it, so I'm not ignorant. 

However, the other things you mention, the computer time, playing poker, not finishing anything (ADD?) and finally, not being affectionate with you or paying his family enough of his time, that's a little off. 

Now, it doesn't sound like he's a total loser, because of the other things you have said about him. However, I would suggest, since nothing you have tried seems to be working, is to go to a counselor or two. One for your marriage, one for his issues of having to be stoned all the time (he's not 19 is he? How old are y'all?), and possibly one for yourself, as you are not skating through this unaffected. 

Maybe I'll get inspired and be able to come up with some more stuff, but that's it for my first impressions. 

Best of luck to you and God bless.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

Morethanthis82 said:


> I feel we hardly spend any quality time together and even if we do, I have to take the initiative or 'force' him into it by having a crying fit. I really try my best not to nag, but I've run out of other options. He's gone from a guy who used to complain to me that I was spending too much time at work and 'ruining the relationship' to someone who happily spends every evening in a separate room of the house.


A few questions for you (not to pry, just to get a better idea):

1) What do you consider to be "quality time?"

2) Was he complaining about you spending too much time at work from the start (HUGE red flag for me, by the way), or was this just before he was diagnosed with bipolar disease?

3) Looking back from day one to now, did he *ever* initiate what you consider to be quality time? Or were the good times mainly about sitting around, smoking weed and talking about any- and everything?

4) Happily spending every evening separate from a person one supposedly loves is NOT normal. I suspect he was like this from the beginning but you either didn't see it or chose not to.



Morethanthis82 said:


> Now, I have to say he usually does stay in at night and at weekends, unlike many other men.


Not all men are out running around at all hours of the night. Just wanted to make that clear.



Morethanthis82 said:


> But he does have one of his friends round for at least an hour or so every night. You see, an additional problem is that he's a chronic cannabis smoker. For the first few years I used to smoke as well, but then I grew up and decided it wasn't serving me anymore. I'm also 6 and a half months pregnant now, so had to pack in cigarettes too. So because I'm not smoking anymore, he kind of needs another smoking buddy, I guess, but then a lot of weed smokers just smoke on their own. It's not necessarily a social thing, right?


1) I commend you for doing the right things for you AND your baby. I'm not being a smart-aleck either; weed and tobacco smoking are two of the worst things you can do during a pregnancy.

2) Smoking weed is both a social and personal activity. It sounds to me like your husband is an addict — and since you decided to be a grownup and take charge of your life (which I also commend you for doing), he needs another smoking buddy. (BTW, he should not be smoking weed if he takes bipolar meds.)



Morethanthis82 said:


> I've given up trying to get him to quit as it caused more problems and arguments than it was worth and am at this point hoping he will cut down once the baby's here. What I am doing is trying to put my foot down about smoking outside the house. At the moment, he sits in the kitchen a lot on his computer, smoking.


He's an addict, then. And he won't quit once the baby arrives. In fact, he won't quit unless HE wants to quit.



Morethanthis82 said:


> why does he never do anything I ask him to do or starts doing it and then gives up after a few days? Is this normal for men?


For a mature man, no. *None* of this is normal.



Morethanthis82 said:


> It's like whenever I ask him something...whether it's spending more time together or smoking outside the house or not having that one drink in the evening, cause he really shouldn't be drinking alcohol with the pills he's taking...it's like it spurs him on even more to keep doing it! Like telling a child not to do something and they'll want it even more. Am I the only one with this issue?


No, you're not the only one. Browse through the threads here and you'll see what I mean. It's really heartbreaking to see, actually. You've grown up, taken charge of your life, body and baby, and he's further and further behind you with each passing day.

Your husband is an immature person who's also a weed addict. I feel for you, I really do.



Morethanthis82 said:


> 1) am I right in demanding he spends more time with me or overreacting? As I don't have that much relationship experience it's hard for me to know how much quality time together is normal at our stage of marriage. I would say, on average, we maybe watch TV together for half an hour to an hour most but not every day. We do the shopping together every week and visit our place of worship nearly every Saturday morning. Once in a while I will organise a day trip or weekend away (rarely, though) for the both of us and we do both enjoy that. But there are just as many weekends and evenings when he's literally stuck in the kitchen and I'm upstairs or in the living room on the laptop and we just do our own separate thing. But what is the norm in this case?


Have you sat down and talked with him about any of this? If not, I suggest doing that. If you have, what does he do? Push you away claiming he's too tired/too drained/doesn't want to discuss it? If so, you have a more serious problem than his weed smoking.



Morethanthis82 said:


> ...why does he ignore every request I make? Is this normal for guys too, to just do what they want regardless of how it makes someone else feel? I also do all the housework (he just irons his shirts once a week and takes the bins out), run my own freelance business and guaranteed will be taking care of the baby most of the time. Yet when I ask him to do something he's always too tired. I know his pills do make him more tired than other people would be and it's not as easy for him to cope with the mentally draining job he has and being bipolar as well. But surely there is some compromise possible here and he could sacrifice half an hour on his computer playing poker for helping me out or even spending some time with me


Again, this is *not* normal for mature men who are invested in their life and relationships. It's also not too much to ask him to either share chores or help out with stuff. And it's *certainly* not too much to ask him to help out with your newborn when s/he arrives. You'll be exhausted and frazzled enough.

A few other things: Does he treat his family like this? Does he have any friends that are not into weed smoking? Does he do anything on his own other than playing poker? (And if he's doing that regularly, I suggest you keep a close eye on where your money's going.) What kind of job does he have?

Sounds to me like you married a very immature man who was not even close to being ready for the responsibilities of being a married man and father. I would suggest individual counseling to learn A) why you chose him and B) how to handle this if you decide you want to stay married to him.

The bottom line is, he will not change unless *he* wants to. You need to decide if this kind of relationship is what you want for the rest of your life.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

I come from the perspective as having bipolar disorder. Is there any way he is depressed? That manifests as apathy in me and some BPs. Is he on meds and therapy? Bipolar can really affect the things you mention. I know lots who smoke pot for relief, but maybe that isn't even working. It literally can take away your life. Did he educate you on the disorder? I feel like you are suffering and I hope you can find a solution.


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