# He is not a man to me



## a.mckay26 (Dec 16, 2010)

We have been together for 8 years married for 2. We are young, both 24. He has always been immature, but I told myself he would grow out of it with time. I have always handled everything that it takes to run a house and a relationship and now I'm tired. 

Last year, he had a series of nervous break downs that he was hospitalized and treated for. During that time I became more like a mother/caretaker than a wife. Setting up and getting him to appointments, making sure he was taking his meds, etc... 

I don't know if I know how to see him like a man now. I certainly don't blame him for getting sick, but I can't get out of my nurse mode. Couple that with his already immature behavior and it is not to see him as a responsibility not a partner. 

To be honest, I am just tired of taking care of someone. I want some give and take. We are seeing a therapist (alone and together) and she keeps saying that I have to figure out if I want to be in this relationship. I don't know! That answer is so hard. He really wants to change, but I feel like it may be too late.

Has anyone else felt this way?


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

It seems you have lost yourself while taking care of him. It happens alot when someone is so enmeshed with another persons life. 

I agree with your therapist. You will have to eventually come to a decision on whether this is something you are willing to continue on with or not. He can learn ways of helping himself, and not being so dependent on you etc. No one can make him though, he has to be willing to help himself. As far as being immature, was he babied alot by his mother/family? I know in my relationship with my husband there have been times in our marriage where he acts very immature. Part of it comes from being babied and part of it is, he has no real coping/communication skills, when it comes to real adult love and how to deal with certain tbhings. Its about getting his way and playing the whoa is me card. It has been hard at times, thats for sure. 

You are not his mother, and you shouldn't feel that way, and he shouldn't expect you to be. Although I completely understand how it is to easily get caught up in the caretaker role. It will zap your energy and you will become someone other than yourself.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Are you sure that he is acting immaturely? Maybe this is a part of the mental problems that required hospitalization recently?

Why did you marry this man? I mean, you knew who he was/is for years.

I don't ask this to bash you. This is the very question you have to ask yourself in deciding to stay or go.

Have you talked to him about what you call immature behavior?

What does he say? 

If he modified his behavior would you still feel the way you do now?


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

For better or for worse. Through sickness and in health. Talk it out with him and see if you two can't find some sort of common ground. The worst thing you can do is let resentment build over this.


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## a.mckay26 (Dec 16, 2010)

Thank you for the input! 

To answer your questions:

Yes his mother always ran his life so now as an adult he looks to me to do it for him. 

I married him because we did have a lot of fun together. I told myself in time he would grow up (mistake #1). Now I see him as 5% fun and 95% responsibility.

I have talked to him many times about his immature behavior. He understands where I am coming from and he is trying to change. He actually has been 110% on board with everything I say. But the change feels fake to me, like in my head I am wondering "Okay, when is the real husband coming back?"

I told him lets see where we are in three months. In my heart, I feel like it is over for me. Right now I don't have the guts to break the relationship because I know he will literally be lost without me. (I don't mean to sound full of myself or anything like that)

Thats the hardest part...I feel like I will be breaking a person that I love. How do you get over that?


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. If he can learn to do with with you there thats great. Of course it will take you backing off from helping him so much but, if he can't do it then him being by himself might be what it takes for him to grow up some. Some people never do. Its easier for them to let someone else do the work. 

I would deffo give it some more time and see if a therapist can make some recommendations to him to try. However, if your heart is just not into it and you truly feel this is it for you, you need to examine those feelings and then proceed with what you need to do. No need to continue to try to work on something you feel you're heart isn't into. That would be almost as fake as you saying him changing seems fake. Maybe neither of you are into it anymore.


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## doesntknoweverything (Jan 5, 2011)

Did you meet him when you were 16 years old? Even though you have that awesome history together, people change a lot from 16-26. If you met him now for the first time, would you want to be married to him? Give yourself a timeline - go for another year and if you can't see yourself living like this forever, then move on. If his anxiety/breakdown was due to a military experience, then I'm sorry. That's super hard and he may actually get over it, but still... take care of yourself first. You're too young for this 'till death do we part' bs if he's not giving you what you need too. This isn't necessarily a terminal illness here like what we had so much of when those traditional vows were created, it's a lifestyle and you deserve happiness. Doesn't sound like you're impulsive either so trust yourself. Just come up with a plan and a timeline.


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