# Left for another man and took my kids



## laffnowcrtylater (Jul 4, 2010)

Where the hell do I begin. Long story short, the wife and I have been married for ten years, lost a son, have two beautiful boys 9 and 2, and she has filed for seperation. There is no paperwork yet assigned, agreements of any nature, and she has my two boys in the house with another man sleeping under the same roof. WTH is that, it hasn't even been a year and she shacks up with somene already. Her and her friends poke jokes at me like this is a big game, and she flaunts him and all her dirt on facebook like it isn't anything. I pay for daycare (1250 month), health insurance, car insurance, oldest son's sporting events, shoes, and anything else my boys need. Yet, she still harasses and calls me all types of names, and even had the guy call my phone one day at work, and I set him the hell straight. She lives ten minutes down the street, demands this and that...but wtf, she has a man sleeping off and on at her apartment. Any advice?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

laffnowcrtylater said:


> Where the hell do I begin. Long story short, the wife and I have been married for ten years, lost a son, have two beautiful boys 9 and 2, and she has filed for seperation. There is no paperwork yet assigned, agreements of any nature, and she has my two boys in the house with another man sleeping under the same roof. WTH is that, it hasn't even been a year and she shacks up with somene already. Her and her friends poke jokes at me like this is a big game, and she flaunts him and all her dirt on facebook like it isn't anything. I pay for daycare (1250 month), health insurance, car insurance, oldest son's sporting events, shoes, and anything else my boys need. Yet, she still harasses and calls me all types of names, and even had the guy call my phone one day at work, and I set him the hell straight. She lives ten minutes down the street, demands this and that...but wtf, she has a man sleeping off and on at her apartment. Any advice?


Get a lawyer, get a divorce! Sue for custody of your children.

BTW, record your phone calls. Document the harassment.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

If she's putting the stuff on facebook, print it out to show the judge. If she's putting your children into dangerous situations or ones in which their morals/values/sense of right/wrong could be compromised, those are things that can help you gain custody. If she's harassing you, or making her new boyfriend harass you, keep records and get the police involved; get a restraining order. All things that can help you gain custody. Anytime my exhusband posts something on the internet, I print it. If it's put on the internet, it's in the public domain and therefore subject to use in a court. It may not be legal evidence of anything, but it will show the judge what kind of character she has, and character can be used in determining custody. Good luck!


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

smart advice from truckersgirl.

if i wasnt a Christian i'd tell ya to get a............and then...........and make sure to........but alas i am Christian, so i cant do, say, or even think of such things i'd do if i were u.
thanks alot L-nowcry, now i have to ask forgiveness for even thinking such angry thoughts.

ray:......................................cb


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You have received truly horrendous advice. What has been suggested is exactly the type of behavior that will do irreparable harm to your kids. Her sex life has nothing to do with whether or not she is a good mother, and so far you have not stated one thing that would matter in a court of law regarding her ability to mother the kids.

That said, I'm sorry you are in this situation. Losing a child is the most painful thing anyone can experience, and now you are in this unpleasant situation. 

I do think you can tell your s2bx (soon 2 be x) that the harrassment must end or you will get a restaining order. Her FB stuff is just stupid; you have no control over that, and unless she is breaking a law, the court won't care how stupid it is, so just let it go. if anyone mentions it to you, let them know you do not want to hear about it and ask them--as your friend--to respect that. No need for additional aggravation. 

Take the high road, for the sake of your kids. Ask for 50/50 custody (if you are willing to make the lifestyle changes that will allow you to parent 50% of the time). Make every effort to participate in your kids' lives even if it is not "your day," like school or sports events. No matter what your wife says or does when you must communicate with her about the kids, simply redirect the conversation to the kids--explicitly. "I called to discuss when I will pick up the kids tomorrow; is 6 ok?" Keep doing it until she gets tired of it and responds appropriately. Ignoring her bad behavior will eventually make it go away--if she cannot get a rise out of you, she'll lose interest. Also, be prepared for an "extinction burst," which is when her behavior will get worse before it gets better. Always take a friend when you pick up the kids, or start doing it in a neutral place. Do not answer any questions or comments regarding anything but the kids--you can politely tell her that anything else is none of her business and again, remind her that all the matters is making sure the kids feel free to love both of you and that they get to spend time with each of you. Practice saying these things in a mirror until they are automatic responses--it makes a huge difference. 

Do not engage in her taunts. Do not let her pull you down to her level. you can be darn sure the 9 year old is aware that she's not treating you right and even if he does not say anything, he will notice when you refuse to be an as*hole and will value that his whole life. He will also appreciate how hard it must have been for you to put up with his mom's b.s. and he'll value you all the more for NOT trying to turn him against her by taking her out of his life.

Kids love their moms and unless she is actively endangering, abusing, or neglecting them (and sleeping with another guy does not meet that level), she needs to be in their lives. 

Good luck and God bless. This is a difficult situation and you feel powerless b/c she is being so awful, I suspect, but you have tremendous power and influence by keeping yourself under control and putting the kids' needs (including their need to be able to love their mom freely and to be with her at least 50% of the time) first.


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## aw5756 (Jul 9, 2010)

It sounds like she is just getting enjoyment out of your misery. Maybe she's miserable too? How long has she been doing this? Has it only been since she met the new guy? If so, I would be willing to bet that she is dissatisfied with her decision to leave and it took a new guy in her life to realize that. And now that it's been a year, well she probably thinks it's too late now to go back to you and is just trying to get a rise out of you to maybe pick up on some inkling that you still care. The most you can do is get a tape recorder(my dad did this) and talk to her, asking her to meet you somewhere public, like a coffee shop, to try and work things out. If she makes any threats about you or the kids(ie, running off with them) you'll have it all on tape. If not, then you guys can hopefully work it out and get her to agree to think of the children in the divorce and not herself. It worked with my dad. Well, my mom didn't agree but the judge ruled in my dad's favor due to my mom threatening to run off with us and never seeing him again. And btw, record all your phone conversations just in case she tries to turn things around on you in court.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> You have received truly horrendous advice. What has been suggested is exactly the type of behavior that will do irreparable harm to your kids. Her sex life has nothing to do with whether or not she is a good mother, and so far you have not stated one thing that would matter in a court of law regarding her ability to mother the kids.


I disagree with you. Her sex life CAN have everything to do with whether or not she is a good mother. If she is bringing numerous, random men, and/or men she doesn't know in and out of the kids lives, she can be doing harm to them. The original poster knows nothing about this man that his soon to be ex is living with, and honestly, how much does she really know about him? For all any of us, or either of them know, he could be a pedophile waiting to take full advantage of her willingness to let him in her house with her kids. The original poster has every right to question whether or not that is the best environment for his kids, just as his soon to be ex wife has the same right to question his situation if he had another woman in his home. And for more clarity, let me ask you this: my former husband, the biological father of my two sons, was convicted of raping a woman. Do you REALLY expect me to believe that would have no impact on his ability as a father? And if you say it wouldn't, then here's my next question: Do you want a man convicted of rape giving your child a talk about sex? Granted, this is an extreme example, but my point is, sex life can have an effect on parenting. 

Additionally, him printing stuff and using it in court does not hurt his kids. In most situations, the kids are not in the courtroom to even know what is going on, they are only brought in if they are old enough to have a say in where they want to live, and even then, only long enough to have that say. And nowhere did I suggest he inform his kids that he's doing this or that he tell them what he finds, thinks, or feels. I simply told him he should advocate for his kids.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> I disagree with you. Her sex life CAN have everything to do with whether or not she is a good mother. If she is bringing numerous, random men, and/or men she doesn't know in and out of the kids lives, she can be doing harm to them.


laffnowcrtylater didn't say anything like that. It's just not a good idea for readers to give advice based on their imagined circumstances. He didn't even indicate anything that could be so concluded. All he said was that she is living with a man or allowing him to sleep over sometimes. Woe on all the separated/divorced men and women who live with someone else.



atruckersgirl said:


> The original poster knows nothing about this man that his soon to be ex is living with, and honestly, how much does she really know about him? For all any of us, or either of them know, he could be a pedophile waiting to take full advantage of her willingness to let him in her house with her kids.


This cannot even be classified as conjecture. Again, laffnowcrtylater, stated nothing like that and you have no reason to think any of it. He said they've separated for not yet a year. How do you conclude that means she dragged a passerby off the street? You have no idea - non whatsoever - how long the woman has known the man she is living with. You also have no idea if laffnowcrtylater ever knew this man before. Perhaps he didn't, but for all you know the three of them could have been friends. The man could have been her next door neighbor when she was growing up. Anything. Have you also imagined you know that she met him in a bar last night or something? And is there some kind of a requirement for every separated/divorced person to know the love interest of their ex spouse? Is there a moral law that states they have to know the person and give their approval?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Susan2010 said:


> And is there some kind of a requirement for every separated/divorced person to know the love interest of their ex spouse? Is there a moral law that states they have to know the person and give their approval?


Actually, a lot of divorce agreements specifically call out the religious and moral training of the children is to be protected and precludes socializing with registered sex offenders.

I have a friend who is undergoing this right now. Having anyone "sleep over" would interfere with the stated religious and moral training that my friend and soon to be ex both agreed to abide by.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> laffnowcrtylater didn't say anything like that. It's just not a good idea for readers to give advice based on their imagined circumstances. He didn't even indicate anything that could be so concluded. All he said was that she is living with a man or allowing him to sleep over sometimes. Woe on all the separated/divorced men and women who live with someone else.
> 
> 
> 
> This cannot even be classified as conjecture. Again, laffnowcrtylater, stated nothing like that and you have no reason to think any of it. He said they've separated for not yet a year. How do you conclude that means she dragged a passerby off the street? You have no idea - non whatsoever - how long the woman has known the man she is living with. You also have no idea if laffnowcrtylater ever knew this man before. Perhaps he didn't, but for all you know the three of them could have been friends. The man could have been her next door neighbor when she was growing up. Anything. Have you also imagined you know that she met him in a bar last night or something? And is there some kind of a requirement for every separated/divorced person to know the love interest of their ex spouse? Is there a moral law that states they have to know the person and give their approval?


For your information, I happen to be divorced and living with my boyfriend. I never said that any of those things were happening in his specific situation. The person I was responding to said that the mother's sex life had no bearing on her ability to parent. I was simply pointing out the ways that it COULD potentially affect her ability to parent. There are people out there who allow sex to override their parenting. I never said that that was happening here. I used them as an example.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

aw5756 said:


> It sounds like she is just getting enjoyment out of your misery. Maybe she's miserable too? How long has she been doing this? Has it only been since she met the new guy? If so, I would be willing to bet that she is dissatisfied with her decision to leave and it took a new guy in her life to realize that. And now that it's been a year, well she probably thinks it's too late now to go back to you and is just trying to get a rise out of you to maybe pick up on some inkling that you still care. The most you can do is get a tape recorder(my dad did this) and talk to her, asking her to meet you somewhere public, like a coffee shop, to try and work things out. If she makes any threats about you or the kids(ie, running off with them) you'll have it all on tape. If not, then you guys can hopefully work it out and get her to agree to think of the children in the divorce and not herself. It worked with my dad. Well, my mom didn't agree but the judge ruled in my dad's favor due to my mom threatening to run off with us and never seeing him again. And btw, record all your phone conversations just in case she tries to turn things around on you in court.


I sure dont know how that worked, it is illegal to record peoples phone conversations without their permission and at the very least would make anything they said inadmissable in the court of law.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

listen ladies/gents, depending on the state, its laws, the judge, and how good yer lawyer is......either of u could be right re: any of the issues of morality/religion, child safety, psychological environment, parental competency/mental health etc etc.

unless these things were/are made clear by "laughingstock" 
we just cant dismiss one anothers viewpts so easily/harshly.

again, i see valid pts on both sides of this thread, but i didnt see what state/laws/etc we're talking about.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Brewster 59 said:


> I sure dont know how that worked, it is illegal to record peoples phone conversations without their permission and at the very least would make anything they said inadmissable in the court of law.


Depends on the state. Some states are 1 party and other states are 2 party. That means the latter states require both parties to be aware of the recording. If one person is unaware, the recorded evidence is not admissible in court. However, the former states permit the the recorded evidence in court even if the one party was unaware of the recording.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> For your information, I happen to be divorced and living with my boyfriend. I never said that any of those things were happening in his specific situation. *The person I was responding to said that the mother's sex life had no bearing on her ability to parent.* I was simply pointing out the ways that it COULD potentially affect her ability to parent. There are people out there who allow sex to override their parenting. I never said that that was happening here. I used them as an example.


I see what you mean by what your intentions were, but your response didn't reflect that because the person you responded to was speaking specifically in terms of the circumstances as related by the OP........



sisters359 said:


> You have received truly horrendous advice. What has been suggested is exactly the type of behavior that will do irreparable harm to your kids. Her sex life has nothing to do with whether or not she is a good mother, *and so far you have not stated one thing that would matter in a court of law regarding her ability to mother the kids.*


.........which made it unnecessary for you to respond with contrary examples of someone else's life. That is the reason it came off as conjecture and imagined events to me because Sisters359's reply didn't warrant being corrected. She was specific to the situation and didn't blanket her statement with the impression she was talking about ALL other conditions or any other possible cause and effect results.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> Depends on the state. Some states are 1 party and other states are 2 party. That means the latter states require both parties to be aware of the recording. If one person is unaware, the recorded evidence is not admissible in court. However, the former states permit the the recorded evidence in court even if the one party was unaware of the recording.


Thank-you for clearing that up for me. I live in a 2 party state and was unaware some states were 1 party.


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## gally (Jun 28, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> You have received truly horrendous advice. What has been suggested is exactly the type of behavior that will do irreparable harm to your kids. Her sex life has nothing to do with whether or not she is a good mother, and so far you have not stated one thing that would matter in a court of law regarding her ability to mother the kids.
> 
> That said, I'm sorry you are in this situation. Losing a child is the most painful thing anyone can experience, and now you are in this unpleasant situation.
> 
> ...


That will stay with me throughout my divorce.....


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## mjr810 (Aug 24, 2008)

sisters359 said:


> Her sex life has nothing to do with whether or not she is a good mother, and so far you have not stated one thing that would matter in a court of law regarding her ability to mother the kids.


Uh, sisters, you're joking, right?


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

uuuuh unfortunately, no shes not mjr810

now if it were a H doing the fornicating w/ OF, now thats a different story. just read her posts, u'll see. its not 100% 
biased but many a male here on TAM has pointed it out.

shes not the only one either, as usually she'll "tag team" w/ some other women here (nameless for now) on some males who are foolish enough to stick their necks out on some opinionated
subject.

i'm sure i have my biases too but, i try not to "pile on" as it were
along w/ other males on top of females. (ala mel brooks in his movie "history of the world" part 1: JUMP the QUEEN skit/scene)

i'm more "one on one." ooops, better take this to infidelity forum instead./ :rofl:

oh well.


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