# I'm not sure what to do anymore ...



## colour-me-confused (Sep 15, 2010)

So, the short of it is that my H and I are separated and now he has asked me if I want to work things out. I said yes because I love him, I believe our problems are all fixable, and we have a child together. Seriously, I love this guy so much and he is a great person and I've never been so attracted to anyone else in my life (even after a decade together). But, some part of me has doubts now. I can't help but feel I'm just letting myself in for even more hurt. I'm of the opinion that he had a mid-life crisis at 30 and just felt overwhelmed by the responsibility of a wife and baby. He anted to party and go be a man-*****. Yes, we had several other problems ... but he never really even tried to work them out before suggesting a a separation. And I as so tired that I just gave in to it without much fight. 
I feel so scared and uncertain. At first, I as so happy and excited but every "worst case scenario" is running through my mind now. Will he have another midlife crisis" at forty? At fifty? I want to try. Really I do. But I don't want to hurt anymore. I just want to be .... happy. And myself. And a good mom. 
I really don't know what to do .... Has anyone else ever been here and felt this way?


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

I have had my share of problems and found that counseling has helped. My husband won't go, but I go alone anyway and have found it helps me look at our situation more realistically and it helps just to have someone listen to me. I am on the fence about leaving, but I know that a lack of confidence has made me stay many times when I should have left and I think counseling is helping with this also. So before I would decide anything I would give counseling a try; it really will make things seem clearer. Good luck.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Take him back, be yourself, be a good mom, be a good wife!

And please don't worry what might happen in the future. Who knows what will happen in the future, in stead of thinking of bad things might happen, something wonderful might happen also. He might become a responsible man, he might be glued to you. 

Enjoy what we have now, focus on what we have now, cherish what we have now, and work on what we have now. 

Be a person you don't regret later, be in control of yourself!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Sometimes we think too much. 

We spend too much time thinking what happened in the past and let that pain eat us. 

We spend too much time worrying about our future, and we only think of bad things and let unknown future wear us down. 

Both of these are not healthy for us. 

Learn our lesson from our past, plan our future, and live at the present!


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## HeartofaPhoenix (Nov 16, 2010)

I would personally give him another try and try my best not to hold it against him. Just see what he has to bring now. Sometimes it really does take losing something to realize how much it really meant to you. No one truly knows what is in store for the future. Whatever your choice may be. I wish you the best and hope things work out for you.


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## colour-me-confused (Sep 15, 2010)

I'm really wishing that I had listened to my instincts. Some part of me knew that it was not a good idea to try and reconcile with this guy. I knew how selfish he could be, how self serving he is.

Yup. You just can't work on a marriage when he is still with the girl he met during our separation (I found this out ten minutes ago). Bloody lovely ... 

I think I'll go burn some wedding pictures now ...


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

colour-me-confused said:


> I'm really wishing that I had listened to my instincts. Some part of me knew that it was not a good idea to try and reconcile with this guy. I knew how selfish he could be, how self serving he is.
> 
> Yup. You just can't work on a marriage when he is still with the girl he met during our separation (I found this out ten minutes ago). Bloody lovely ...
> 
> I think I'll go burn some wedding pictures now ...


My advice is to not forget this next time he comes knocking. He very well might love you but love is not enough. You need commitment, trust and respect. It sounds like you're 0 for 3. Work on yourself, let yourself mourn, there are others for you out there but you've got to be a whole person to even recognize this. It's the most trivial advice given so much but it is important.


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## CouplesGuy (Nov 23, 2010)

Hi all. New to the forum but not to marriage (_25 years in a few days!_) Here's what I can offer:

Marriage is wonderful, and hard, and then wonderful again. It's journey you take together while balancing your growth as an individual. That's challenging, but necessary. When choosing who you're going to do that with, knowing the right question to ask is the most important thing. 

"Are you willing to walk this journey together, to the end? What does that mean to you? And under what terms? Here are my terms; what are yours? Can we agree? What will we do if somebody chooses to break these terms? I will give you room to grow, and time to do it as well, and I expect the same. If we struggle to do what we know is healthy, for ourselves as individuals, for our relationship, what is our plan?"

That's not a comprehensive list, just some examples to get you thinking in the right direction. Even though you have a relationship history, you've come back to these questions, even if only in a vague unarticulated way. And even if you (or he) decide that it's over, consider this for the next time.The most important thing right now is that you remain, or get, healthy. First things first, because you can only change you.

I sort of agree about the counseling...and sorta not. Couples Counseling is a misnomer. Counseling is for when we struggle to do what we can rationally recognize to be the healthiest choice, but don't, usually due to past trauma. That kind of struggle may be a factor _as individuals_, but couples don't need that per se. Rather, they need to learn healthy relationship skills, ones that are missing, and most often, they are unaware of exactly what's missing. We don't know what we don't know. Ultimately, that's what you need; build new healthy skills that replace unhealthy patterns. Anyone with a successful marriage will tell you the same thing.

I'm aware of an organization called *thinkmarriage.org - Welcome to thinkmarriage.org *that focuses on that. They actually distinguish themselves as _Relationship Educators_. I like that. They're out of Green Bay, WI, but from their website it looks like they have a lot of online resources that would be a helpful place to start.


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