# I need advice, a hug and a bottle of….



## BertieBot232 (8 mo ago)

I am 35. My husband and I have been together for 4 years but only married one year in September 2022. He is 30 years old, has Aspberger’s, depression and adhd. I have adult ADD and still working on my postpartum depression (our daughter is 9 months old). I brought two boys with me into this relationship, ages 15 and 9 currently, and my husband was excited about being a part of their lives when we got together.
My husband did some things years ago due to money. He ended up spending almost 6 years in prison. I do not judge him for that nor do I hold that against him. He had a rough time and blames all of his issues on that.
Our problems are money, we don’t see eye to eye at all, his money is his and mine is mine, everything split equally, but he makes double what I do, literally. He takes on more therefor continues adding to my plate. Issue number two, parenting, our daughter is his only biological child and he makes it well known. He believes I don’t respect him as a parent because I never listen to him when it comes to our daughter. Issue number three, I graduate in less than two weeks with my second degree, he says school is stupid and pointless and that I don’t give enough attention to him or the kiddos because of school. Y’all, I work on homework in the evenings two maybe three times a week. He doesn’t help with the baby. I have to cook and have dinner ready by 7. I pack his lunch and he packs his snacks for work. I have to do the laundry. Basically the house is my responsibility and outside is his responsibility. Issue number four, I don’t help with stuff outside enough….. yep. Our tax refund? I had to ask permission to get my son and I new glasses with our refund because it’s been three years and I can’t afford them. Insurance that I pay, I still had to ask permission. The rest of our tax refund I’m not allowed to touch. 
I take care of the children and the house. I work full time so of course I have to take the baby to the sitter every day and pick her up everyday. I have homework which I do my best to put off so I don’t make him mad and then I’m cramming as much in as I can. I make so much less money but he expects me to either get a second job or get a new job because “all of our expenses fall on him”. I can’t help him with money or to save money or with paying for vacations and to him that’s not fair.
This is only a snapshot of everything that is going on. I’m desperate. I’m lonely. I’m depressed. I’m anxious because I can’t afford the mortgage this month despite him giving me his half so I could pay it. I have to cover all the groceries and they just keep going up. I traded my dream truck in so I could get something more affordable which uses gas instead of diesel but I’m only saving $20 a week. I just don’t know who else to turn to. He hates my parents. He won’t get help from a doctor. I just don’t know what else to do. I’m losing my mind.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Welcome to TAM and sorry you’re in such a mess right now with your relationship.

Sounds like you walk on egg shells to please a man who treats you poorly. I don’t think the problems are about money, he just sounds like he wants all the benefits of marriage without the responsibility of it.

If it were me, I’d be seeking legal advice and consider moving on. I know that won’t be easy, but you will have no peace if you stay in this marriage.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think you're in a situation where once you get your degree you would be better off without him financially. Do not stop your studies and do get that degree and get a better job and make a plan to leave. Or once you have the degree maybe you will be making more money that will ease things some but you are doing too much and all he can do is complain about it and I would not want to live like that.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I'm sure you must realize that you are aware of all of his mental conditions that you are not going to change him.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He got out of that miserly, fighting for everything, prison.

He got out, but his mind remains there, in the past.

Prison hardens, almost all.

I too would bail on this marriage, while you are still young and readily employable.
You need to get out his prison.

Life is too short for putting up with that lack of reasonable freedom. 

The job world is _presently_ hungry for good workers. 
Do not wait too long, as things can quickly change.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

His bullying and controlling behavior will get worse, not better. I concur, you should leave, as soon as you possibly can.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Does he respond to numbers? Can you make him a spread sheet showing the household expenses & how he adds to that making it unfair for you to contribute half when you earn less?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's sounds as if you didn't really discuss all these things before marriage. You married him knowing about all his issues. It's hard to understand why.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I would have left this 'prize' the *day *they threw his ass into prison.

You had *6 years* to get it right and move on without this jailbird in your life and instead, you actually waited for him.

How's that working for you? Sounds to me like he's an abusive ass-hole who seems to think he's too damned good to parent the child he CHOSE to have or to lift a finger around the house because it's beneath him. You might want to remind him he's a felon and he's not quite the prize he _thinks_ he is. Not even freakin' CLOSE. He's damned lucky you waited for him. I sure as hell wouldn't have.

There's loyalty, and then there's just plain blind foolishness, OP. Time to open your eyes.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

6 years is a pretty long sentence. What did he do?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You’re not gonna huge Him about a prison sentence regarding money, yet your problem with him is money abd he’s being unfair and selfish?

I say, yeah, judge him on what he does which is not act as a teammate.

however, it’s too bad we can only see your side of the story. If he makes more, then I suggest whatever percentage he makes more, he pay that to the shared expenses.

there are things he likely has legit gripes about too. What go you think those are?


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