# Feeling sick to my stomach



## onefootouthedoor (Jun 29, 2017)

I have been planning and planning, working out the details, changing the details, trying to approach this the best way with the 'time' I felt I had to sort things out. I can't do all of this on my own. I know that, yet I am still trying to. I haven't told him yet that I want out. But the time is here. I need to do this and my chest is soo tight.. Why am I so afraid? Is this normal? Am I strong enough to go through with this?

My initial plan was to make some financial arrangements without his realizing why as he just goes along with whatever I say (I control the money). And it was not with the intent of duping him in any anyway, it was just part of my exiting plan, so that much of the work was already done (to even things out fairly and actually make things easier for him should he chose to stay in the house), although keeping him in a position that he may not chose once he knows. Anyways, getting closer to this plan, and now actually looking for places to live (for myself & kids) which are crazy expensive, I realize that I should be putting all my cards on the table for him so he is part of the decision-making process.

My fear in doing this is - he will kybosh my plan to leave. He will get unreasonable out of anger that I don't want to be with him anymore (18 years). He is verbally explosive by nature so I am fearful of staying here (or leaving the kids here) after I tell him - but I have no where to go unless I commit to renting a house. Do I do this first and walk out after I tell him? Or do I stay here to help him digest and hope that together we could decide the best action to take moving forward. We are on a time limit now as we are refinancing the mortgage within the next few weeks. Decisions need to be made before that and I know, they are not mine alone to make.

I feel like I am in such a mess, I am frozen and not sure how to move forward... Any advice?

thank you.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

If you are afraid of his response then leave first. If expenses are an issue try looking for lower cost of living near-ish your current location. I know people who have saved hundreds per month in rent by being willing to drive 20 minutes or so.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

your blind siding him.

you bet hes going to be mad.

and I don't blame him. has he ever hit you? I think you need to talk to him and tell him you want a divorce.

under the guise of hes explosive verbally by nature. 

you have been planning this behind his back. yea I think thats really devious.

maybe a neutral third party would be best to have around when you tell him.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

We each know our spouses best so only you can really know what to expect from him once you tell him. I'm in a situation slightly similar in that I cannot tell H about my plans to leave so I relate to the fear you have. Is your fear legitimate? If you're experiencing it then it is, for sure. Has planning in secret been the wrong thing to do? You can only know that in hindsight. 


I think no matter how you decide to handle this it's going to be painful, there's no getting around that part. So perhaps what it boils down to is do you have the strength to weather the storm that will come if you stay in the house? If you think you can ride it out while staying in the house that would give you more time to find a good fit housing wise. 

.


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## Good Guy (Apr 26, 2016)

I think we need more background before we can give any advice. The "I control the money" comment especially. Do you make all the money and also control it? Not a very healthy way to run a marriage.


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## onefootouthedoor (Jun 29, 2017)

Good Guy said:


> I think we need more background before we can give any advice. The "I control the money" comment especially. Do you make all the money and also control it? Not a very healthy way to run a marriage.


Your right. There are many things about our marriage that are not healthy. Hence, my desire to leave it. He has never shown any interest in the details of the money, regardless of my attempts to get him involved. He would prefer to just passively allow me to handle everything, agree with whatever I suggest, chose not to research anything and provide credible input when we need to make decisions and just allow me to hold the bag and burden of all the financial decisions myself. I guess it gives him someone to blame if things go haywire.:frown2: No, I do not make all the money.

In terms of background, my husband is an only child, has strained relations with his parents (2 sets - neither had any other children), and exposed me and my kids to 15 years of daily and weekly verbal explosions about anything and everything. He believes he is justified in exploding on us (more so the kids), name calling, berating, etc.. when we (or the kids) do not do as he 'asks' or 'wants'. I recognize that I should have left with the kids 15 years ago, but I didn't and I carry that with me. The kids are older now 13 and 17 and my husband has in the past year & 1/2 worked hard at repressing his anger with pot so we do not endure daily lash outs anymore. I believe this new behaviour is out of his own fear of my leaving him (I have raised his anger with him over all the years and 2 years ago I told him I was unhappy to which he lashed out at me and I stayed out of guilt). He is superb at playing victim and making everything my fault while completely denying his own behaviour (His typical shocking response to me: "What?? I did not say/do that!").

Although the pot smoking does a good job at repressing his anger for the most part, it still exists and now his outbursts are now just more spread out and hidden from me (when I am not home). This does not make his behaviour any more acceptable. He thinks it does and gives him a better platform to lie about it leaving his word against the kids' words.

To make up for his outlandish behaviour he is the most dutiful spouse you can imagine. He cooks, he cleans, he does all the yard work, he dotes on me, ensuring I have everything I need at all times (In his mind, how could I leave?). All this and we barely speak to one another. I have no feelings for him. I haven't in a long time. I have spent many years dreaming about my escape plan and if I stay, I will spend many more doing the same). He doesn't care about my well-being or my happiness, he is only fearful of himself being alone. There are no good times throughout our entire marriage that I can think of. My house is a ball of sadness.


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## onefootouthedoor (Jun 29, 2017)

chillymorn69 said:


> your blind siding him.
> 
> you bet hes going to be mad.
> 
> ...


Yup. But not with malice. You call it devious, I call it caution. If I thought he was willing to rationally discuss our marriage my approach would be different. No, he has never hit me or the kids. He has always carefully walked that fine line leaving me in confusion over the years as to whether or not I was justified in leaving due to his behaviour. When you are in that situation, you cannot see clearly for what it really is. I was constantly questioning myself not even recognizing that that alone was a major flag.

In his last year and half of calm (due to his increase in pot smoking), I have done some major work on myself and can see things more clearly. Perhaps my fear is partially because I haven't seen a major outburst in the past few years yet I know it lies just beneath the surface, I just don't know how bad it will be. This, I fear will trigger the worst in him.

I like your suggestion of having a neutral third party around for the discussion. I already imagine myself talking to him in the front room so I can leave out the door if needed.


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## onefootouthedoor (Jun 29, 2017)

Not said:


> We each know our spouses best so only you can really know what to expect from him once you tell him. I'm in a situation slightly similar in that I cannot tell H about my plans to leave so I relate to the fear you have. Is your fear legitimate? If you're experiencing it then it is, for sure. Has planning in secret been the wrong thing to do? You can only know that in hindsight.
> 
> 
> I think no matter how you decide to handle this it's going to be painful, there's no getting around that part. So perhaps what it boils down to is do you have the strength to weather the storm that will come if you stay in the house? If you think you can ride it out while staying in the house that would give you more time to find a good fit housing wise.
> ...



I don't feel my planning was wrong, I feel it was necessary.  However, coming down to the crunch, I am now feeling that I need to talk to him and lay it all out before committing either of us to anything further. I guess if the storm gets to thick it will just motivate me to find something faster.. 

I am thinking about having the talk this weekend - on Sunday. Monday is a holiday here, so it will give us an extra day to talk through it more.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

You are married to this man, yet you are going to use the control that he gives you with the finances to leave him? Have you tried letting him know what your problems are so that maybe you can get though this situation with an intact marriage/family? I don't know why women are so intent on leaving with no warning. How would you feel if all of the sudden he left you high and dry?


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

onefootouthedoor said:


> I don't feel my planning was wrong, I feel it was necessary. However, coming down to the crunch, I am now feeling that I need to talk to him and lay it all out before committing either of us to anything further. I guess if the storm gets to thick it will just motivate me to find something faster..
> 
> I am thinking about having the talk this weekend - on Sunday. Monday is a holiday here, so it will give us an extra day to talk through it more.


I wish you well. I'm not looking forward to that day in my house. He may react so strongly at first that he may not be able to talk about it right away and instead need some space to collect himself. I hope he can get to that place where he can talk about it rationally with you.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

I don't envy you, with a decision like you are making, it must very tough for you. I bet he will not be able to respond in any meaningful way with you if you tell him that you are leaving with the kids, maybe better to leave and then he will have space to gather himself, but inevitably you must think of the kids first and foremost, they need to be protected by you. Maybe renting further out at least initially might be the answer if money is tight, not much else i can add as you have to make the decision on which way is best to handle leaving, it isn't going to be easy whichever way you decide. Best of luck.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

onefootouthedoor said:


> My fear in doing this is - he will kybosh my plan to leave. He will get unreasonable out of anger that I don't want to be with him anymore (18 years). He is verbally explosive by nature so I am fearful of staying here (or leaving the kids here) after I tell him - but I have no where to go unless I commit to renting a house.


Exactly HOW would he be able to cancel any plans YOU'VE put into motion with respect to renting a house or apartment?

The only way he could do that is if YOU back down and cancel your plans to appease him. Otherwise, he has* no power* over your adult decisions.



> Or do I stay here to help him digest and hope that together we could decide the best action to take moving forward. We are on a time limit now as we are refinancing the mortgage within the next few weeks. Decisions need to be made before that and I know, they are not mine alone to make.


It's not your job to babysit him. You've been catering to him for so long you don't even know what it's like NOT to wipe his butt for him. 

Here's your first lesson.

*Get to a lawyer before you do anything else. *Find out what your BEST options are, how to protect yourself financially, and most importantly, to make sure that everything you're doing is within your rights and will not somehow compromise a future settlement. You also have to ask him/her how the house should be handled. Should your husband buy you out by a certain date if he wants to keep it? Should you force the sale of the house if he doesn't want to keep it? It's always best to be armed with actual *knowledge* rather than making decisions based on supposition alone.

Next, I don't see this as you somehow 'duping' him or 'taking advantage of your financial position at home in order to leave him,' as you've been accused of doing by another poster. I actually READ your posts in this thread and I see you and your children are afraid of this man and have *18 years* of his weekly angry outbursts and verbal abuse to show for it. He's manipulative and controlling but the most damaging thing he's done is having created a dysfunctional atmosphere your poor children have been forced to live in for far too long. Yeah, yeah..he deserves a cookie for 'doing better' at containing his angry outbursts for the lastyear and a half - as long as he's high. But that's only because he knows he's skating on very thin ice and has no choice. At this point, that's like trying to close the barn doors long after the animals have run away. A year and a half of pothead "good" behavior doesn't wipe out 18 years of pure crap behavior. You don't owe him a damned THING, and you certainly don't owe him yet *another* chance after all the other chances he's already **** all over these past 18 years.

You have a right to a better, more peaceful, happier and content life. You've earned it.

I know you want to have this talk soon but seriously - if you haven' yet been to a lawyer, please just go to one and get the knowledge you'll need to make the best decisions for you and your children.

Good luck to you.


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## onefootouthedoor (Jun 29, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Exactly HOW would he be able to cancel any plans YOU'VE put into motion with respect to renting a house or apartment?
> 
> The only way he could do that is if YOU back down and cancel your plans to appease him. Otherwise, he has* no power* over your adult decisions.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I needed to hear all of this. You hit the nail on the head for every point.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

So your husband can't keep from blowing up at you without smoking weed ... and even when he does smoke weed, he still gets abusive? 

This is a horrible situation to be in... and a horrible example for your children. Toxic for you, toxic for them. 

You are wise to plan an exit strategy and to do so quietly. I agree with previous advice that you need legal representation to help you navigate that end of your next step. Also, do you have family or friends you can lean on for emotional support? 

Get your support system, legal and personal, into place then execute your departure.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Were either of your parents alcoholics?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## onefootouthedoor (Jun 29, 2017)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Were either of your parents alcoholics?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Interesting that you would ask this. I am not sure I would label my dad an 'alcoholic', however, he was/is a heavy drinker - but he always managed to function (he very well could be one). In addition to this, my dad was both verbally and physically abusive throughout my childhood until my teens (excessive spanking (with belt/brush, etc.) - not sure it was considered abusive back then). He had a very explosive temper - much like my husband's. I guess you could say I married my father.

Unfortunately, my mom is still 'stuck' with my dad and I have the benefit of witnessing her misery with him. She told me that she planned her escape throughout their entire marriage and consequently, from not taking any action, she is still here, at 75 years old, trying to plan her escape.:crying:

I have been seeing a life coach (I find her to be way more effective than any therapist I have ever been to) for about 8 months. She has helped me to see that by leaving I am breaking a generational cycle so that my daughter hopefully does not fall into the same thing.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Did you talk to him?


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## onefootouthedoor (Jun 29, 2017)

no, I decided to wait for our mortgage signing to go through - which was yesterday. I didn't want him jeopardizing signing the docs for our renewal. The mortgage is up and we changed providers so that if/when the mortgage is broken due to sale the penalties for breaking it will only be 3 months' interest as opposed to the 15-20k that our previous provider would charge us for breaking it. We also took out some extra $$ from the mortgage - so I want to wait for that to come in as well (Monday). 

After that, I will start looking for a place to rent which will move towards telling him. I find that I am very much living inside my head and it is paralyzing me.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Do any of your extended family members or very close friends know exactly how you feel about this?*


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## onefootouthedoor (Jun 29, 2017)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Thank you for your reply.
> 
> The reason I asked is that I wanted to be sure your perspective was objective and not influenced by an alcoholic upbringing.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your thought out reply. I appreciate your questioning my interpretation of all of his motives and reactions. I don't deny that my perception is not entirely skewed and I will admit that there is very little he can do nowadays that I will not find an issue with.

I think it is important to note that I spent many many years raising/discussing his anger issues with him many many times. I waited for him to be calm and he tended to nod his head in agreement (somewhat) with what I was saying. Until he got angry and blew up again. When I threatened the stability of our marriage, he would make an effort to not have fits, until he thought he was in the clear, and then his anger would start to escalate again until we were back into fully daily/weekly blowouts. This pattern went on for years.

Other times, he would justify his behaviour (denying the truth of what his behaviour was) insisting that I was exaggerating the extent of it and insisting that if the kids only did what he asked he wouldn't need to yell.

I brought him to parenting classes and therapy. He thought the parenting classes were a joke and sat in therapy insisting that everything was 'fine' so he didn't understand why he was there. What he did manage to do was complain enough about our daughter to the therapist to the extent that my daughter took over attending his therapy sessions and he didn't have to go anymore. He insisted that all the issues hers.

Fast forward to now. He feels strain in our marriage as I checked out emotionally years ago. I now do my own thing, go out with my own friends, I don't tell him much, only what is necessary and we do not spend any time together other than watch TV. which I loathe. I don't particularly like him as a person so at this point, I don't want to go out with him. We have nothing in common, nothing to talk about (other than his job or the kids' sports) and cannot even agree where to hang a shelf.

We did take a family vacation 2 weeks ago (all arranged by me - as he does not take any initiative). On day 2 he decided to put my son and my nephew in a position that both my sister and I were uncomfortable with as we didn't feel it was safe. We both asked that they not do what they were proposing to do and I was met with him yelling at me in front of everyone "Shut the F*** up, stop f***'in telling me what to do", "your f***'in crazy", "You are always ruining our fun!" He then proceeded to ignore me/give me attitude for the rest of the evening while he got stupid-fall down drunk and passed out.

The following day, he was back to Mr. nice guy doing everything for everyone, talking to me like nothing happened. I don't bother raising these things with him anymore as it has become a waste of my energy and I know that he will only yell at me more and somehow blame me for his behaviour.

I am not sure there is much to mis-interpret in this scenario with respect to his motive or reaction. Although I will admit, my view is not objective. In fact, this tantrum was quite tame and just a drop in the bucket from what I have been exposed to by him. I view that as my being so used to his offensive behaviour.

Two days later, while he was in a different vehicle than us with my nephew, my nephew advised that he didn't want to ride with my husband anymore when we stopped for gas because he said all my husband was doing was *****ing and complaining about what 'f***'in idiots' we (my sister? and I) were.

It is moments like these that I daydream about having a relationship with someone who Actually has respect for me - or not being in a relationship (if you can call it that) at all.


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## onefootouthedoor (Jun 29, 2017)

arbitrator said:


> *Do any of your extended family members or very close friends know exactly how you feel about this?*



Yes. they all know.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Exactly HOW would he be able to cancel any plans YOU'VE put into motion with respect to renting a house or apartment?
> 
> The only way he could do that is if YOU back down and cancel your plans to appease him. Otherwise, he has* no power* over your adult decisions.
> 
> ...


I wish there was a Mega Like This button on this website! :smthumbup:


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

.


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## onefootouthedoor (Jun 29, 2017)

@TheTruthHurts I could very well be risk adverse. The details don't matter. If I am not comfortable with something he should respect that. Period. He doesn't have to agree with me. In any event, it is not a free ticket to verbally assault me. Is that what you did to your wife? Tell her to shut the f** up and call her f**in crazy? Because your post sounds as though you are trying to find justification for his behaviour.

If I don't agree with something and then he does it anyways then he is the one making unilateral decisions.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

OP- you are making the right choice. You won't even realize just how toxic it all was until you are gone. I knew things were bad and he was drinking and swearing and being a jerk but once I was gone and felt the weight off and the relief and the stress lifted, I couldn't believe how much of a change it was. 

My ex made things miserable for me when I was leaving. It was a nightmare but I got through it and things are good now. He sees the kids, we communicate like adults. 

You will get through it. It's a crappy stage you'll have to go through to get there but it's so worth it


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you been moving your stuff out of the house slowly? Once you tell him, he's likely to hold your stuff hostage to prevent you all from leaving. Store it at someone else's house until you get your new place. 

Also, on the day you tell him, have a bag packed with your essentials (passports, birth certificates, etc.) and either have it stores somewhere else or already in the car in case he raises the stakes and become dangerous. Have the keys somewhere he won't find them so he can't stop the car. 

Do your kids know?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

My first husband had serious anger issues as well and the things you have described could have easily come from my house, they are so similar. When I decided to leave, I got my things together before telling him I was leaving. With his temper, I wanted to be able to get out right then if things got too bad. I retained an attorney, and put a deposit on a duplex to rent. My daughter and I did end up staying with my parents for about two weeks before I got moved all the way in, so that is something else that you might be able to consider as an option since your family is aware of your situation. 

I have been where you are, and its a horrible place to be. Good for you for making the decision to get out.


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## onefootouthedoor (Jun 29, 2017)

turnera said:


> Have you been moving your stuff out of the house slowly? Once you tell him, he's likely to hold your stuff hostage to prevent you all from leaving. Store it at someone else's house until you get your new place.
> 
> Also, on the day you tell him, have a bag packed with your essentials (passports, birth certificates, etc.) and either have it stores somewhere else or already in the car in case he raises the stakes and become dangerous. Have the keys somewhere he won't find them so he can't stop the car.
> 
> Do your kids know?


Thank you for your suggestions & support (and to everyone else who has provided their support and thoughtful comments).

Yes, I have been slowly moving (unnoticeable) things into my friend's garage and getting all of my paperwork/important info together.

My daughter (17) knows. I told her after she shared one of my husband's episodes he had on her the day prior. she was quite upset. (he called her 'f***in crazy' too - I guess it's his latest insult). Anyways, I told her that I was planning to leave and she responded in relief 'its about time'. She said she had been hoping since she was little that we would split up. I apologized to her for not taking her out of the home years ago and she very maturely said she understood and that it was ok.

I plan to tell my son (13) right before I tell my husband and have him in a different location (possibly with my daughter at our new place). I think my son would be better served hearing it from me first in a calm, rationale manner so I can check in with how he feels about it, as opposed to my husband flippantly telling him that 'mom is leaving me/us because she is a b*** (or f***in crazy)'.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, I would definitely not have the kids there. Don't be surprised, though, if your son shows allegiance to his dad. Abused kids often 'suck up' to the abuser, in an attempt to get that person to finally recognize and VALUE the kid. And it especially happens when the abuser is the same sex as the kid.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Good for you for sticking with a plan to move forward in your life! You and your kids absolutely need this after many years of abuse. It will be tough but keep looking ahead.. Best of luck!!


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

If I understand this, you married this man. You were attracted enough to him to sleep with him and eventually have two children. He gave you complete control of the house and its finances. He dotes on you and provides for everything while doing work in the house.

Now … some years on, you say that he rages a lot but has never hit anyone. You are looking for a way out and have decided to dupe him at every step of the way. And you have come here to ask us to help you ? There is something that doesn't sit quite right here. There must be more to this and I would love to hear his side of this story. P.S. I would not like to be married to you as what you are doing is very devious and possible unfair too.

The decent thing to do would have been to tell him this up front and not trick him into signing mortgages etc.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

TheTruthHurts said:


> So go ahead and listen to the women who only hear what a jerk he is and don't critically listen to what you are posting


Truth, all I needed to hear to tell her to leave was that he cusses his own children out EVERY WEEK. No child should live with that - it molds their selves for the rest of their lives. That IS abuse. He has the ability to control himself and NOT cuss his wife out in front of his kids. He has the ability to NOT cuss his CHILDREN out. 

Yet he continues to do both. 

For that reason alone, they need to leave. 

If she hasn't stopped loving him by now, he will now have the opportunity to change his life and become someone she might love again. It's up to him now to see if he will change.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

manfromlamancha said:


> If I understand this, you married this man. You were attracted enough to him to sleep with him and eventually have two children. He gave you complete control of the house and its finances. He dotes on you and provides for everything while doing work in the house.
> 
> Now … some years on, you say that he rages a lot but has never hit anyone. You are looking for a way out and have decided to dupe him at every step of the way. And you have come here to ask us to help you ? There is something that doesn't sit quite right here. There must be more to this and I would love to hear his side of this story. P.S. I would not like to be married to you as what you are doing is very devious and possible unfair too.
> 
> The decent thing to do would have been to tell him this up front and not trick him into signing mortgages etc.


I suggest you do some reading about abusive relationships. If you do, you will find in every instance that the woman is advised to make her plans IN SECRET and make the move and THEN tell him what is now happening, so that the wife and kids can avoid the risk that the abuser escalates to the point of endangering someone. And yes, this applies to verbal abusers as well as physical abusers.

What you see as secrecy and duping is what professionals advise the women to do.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The OP doesn't have to provide details as TAM does not serve as judge and jury. She needs to protect her anonymity and divulge only what makes her comfortable. If she says her husband is cussing out her kids, I say to get the hell out of Dodge as fast as possible and to hell with him. And, I don't care what makes him flip out. He's a grown-ass man and he can start acting like it.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

turnera said:


> I suggest you do some reading about abusive relationships. If you do, you will find in every instance that the woman is advised to make her plans IN SECRET and make the move and THEN tell him what is now happening, so that the wife and kids can avoid the risk that the abuser escalates to the point of endangering someone. And yes, this applies to verbal abusers as well as physical abusers.
> 
> What you see as secrecy and duping is what professionals advise the women to do.


I understand about abuse but still maintain that something doesn't pass the sniff test here. I also understand that the OP doesn't have to tell us more about this abuse but the ones that do get the best help. Also the ones that genuinely need help have a more balanced and almost self-deprecating tone - this OP doesn't and almost has a self entitled tone about her.

And doing what she is doing if there is no real abuse is vile.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

When I was leaving, my situation went from drinking and yelling to dangerous. I won't get into it but on 2 separate times the cops had to be called. 

Anger is no joke. It is hell to live with. Anger by someone physically stronger than you is terrifying and I don't expect someone to fully understand it until they have been there. 

Doesn't even matter if they are yelling at you or at the car on the road, about their co-worker, the idiot neighbor. You add drinking to the mix and you never feel completely safe and comfortable in your own home 

Our first and foremost need is to feel safe. Above all else, romance and dates and money and chores. We need to feel comfortable and safe in our homes. Nothing he could be an amazing husband at is enough to compensate for not feeling safe and having to live around anger.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

If a 17 child is relieved that they are moving away from their dad then I would accept that this abuse is totally real. Some men do not understand the impact of yelling and anger (although I guess if genders were reversed these men would be telling the OP to leave their wife). Anger and yelling are not acceptable, it IS abuse no matter what the FOO issues or other excuses are.

OP I know a few women that were in similar situation, no actual punching but a lot of extreme anger, nastiness and yelling. I would not trust a man like this as he is already showing a major lack of self control. The bridge between being verbally abusive and then it changing to physical abuse is not that far.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

MrsHolland said:


> *If a 17 child is relieved that they are moving away from their dad t*hen I would accept that this abuse is totally real. Some men do not understand the impact of yelling and anger (although I guess if genders were reversed these men would be telling the OP to leave their wife). Anger and yelling are not acceptable, it IS abuse no matter what the FOO issues or other excuses are.
> 
> OP I know a few women that were in similar situation, no actual punching but a lot of extreme anger, nastiness and yelling. I would not trust a man like this as he is already showing a major lack of self control. The bridge between being verbally abusive and then it changing to physical abuse is not that far.


THIS is probably the most important fact that is getting glossed over, here. I have BEEN this child, since I was very small, hoping and praying that my mom would one day leave my dad. He was so angry, verbally abusive, and controlling. I hated living with him, I hated how he treated my mom. This is an awful way for any kid to live. 

The OP has already decided she needs to get out. She came here looking for guidance and strength to do that, not to be judged and criticized because some folks think what she is doing is wrong because she is being secretive. It isnt our place to tell her to go about this in a way in which SHE deems unsafe. She is the one living with the anger, not us. If this was a man living with an angry, verbaly abusive woman, all you men would be rallying him on getting away from her in whatever way necessary. AS YOU SHOULD. So if you cant give a woman the same support, maybe just keep it to yourself.


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## onefootouthedoor (Jun 29, 2017)

I do not feel I have to ‘prove’ anything. I did not come here for that. @TheTruthHurts – you seem to be hung up on whether or not you agree with me that the actions of my spouse were potentially dangerous or not. I feel you are missing the point. I have no doubt that his proposed actions would be up for debate and many people would have varying opinions as to whether or not they personally feel the potential actions are dangerous or not due to their own individual risk levels. The point of my post was not about decisions he was making and my disagreement with them (or whether or not you agree with them). It was about his typical outburst reaction towards me (and/or the kids), which included throwing a Mantrum and lashing out at me using Vile language and ‘scolding’ me, All in front of our children, my sister and my nephews.

Your posts become less credible to me when you 1 – twist my words; and 2 - continue to be fixated on whether or not YOU feel the ‘proposed act’ was dangerous or not and completely gloss over his responsive behaviour towards me (which is the actual issue). I say this due to you incorrectly quoting me as saying “He wants to do crazy dangerous stuff and that's NOT acceptable!" 

For the sake of clarity, I reiterate what I actually said: 

“On day 2 he decided to put my son and my nephew in a position that both my sister and I were uncomfortable with as we didn't feel it was safe. We both asked that they not do what they were proposing to do and I was met with him yelling at me in front of everyone "Shut the F*** up, stop f***'in telling me what to do", "your f***'in crazy", "You are always ruining our fun!" He then proceeded to ignore me/give me attitude for the rest of the evening while he got stupid-fall down drunk and passed out.” 

Followed with “If I am not comfortable with something he should respect that. Period. He doesn't have to agree with me. In any event, it is not a free ticket to verbally assault me.”

Further, I question your own personal reality when you share that your own spouse “has accused me of yelling and getting soooo angry.” And then YOU proceed to compare your behaviour to that of ‘Mr. Cleaver”. These are two extreme opposite opinions of the situation (also typical in my house). [I also note your altered perception and summary of my example above and how it differs from what I actually wrote]. 

I trust you have actually addressed your spouse’s concerns rather than just discredited her concerns based on your own perception and decision that it is simply not true because as far as you are concerned you are “Mr. Cleaver” and your position that she has a traumatized background. My spouse does the same, he denies, denies, denies the extent of his anger, yelling, outbursts too. His famous line is “I asked nicely!” as he smiles and laughs it off like we are all totally over-exaggerating. I have lived with this man for almost 19 years and KNOW what his ‘asking nicely’ is. 

I don’t need to describe (or justify) further the situations my children and I have experienced over the years. 

Another poster called me ‘entitled’. Do I feel I am entitled to respect from my spouse? Absolutely. 

I have a strong personality and I am a well-education woman and I have a great job. That does not make my situation any less because a poster does not feel my posts fit (their) profile of someone living with verbal abuse. I am not offended that he has indirectly accused me of claiming something that he believes may not be true. I don't really care what he thinks as he just simply does not get it. He does not live in my shoes. I know what I know. I live it and I don't need his approval as to whether he thinks my situation suits his 'sniff' test or not. 

At times I am very matter-of fact - that is my personality and it is how I work through things. I earn my own income and have the ability to be self-sufficient. Yet I have remained trapped here all this time not recognizing that I do have choices and that not all men behave this way. I thought I was protecting my children. I now know this not to be true. In fact, I have also come to realize that my 'strong personality' deluded me into thinking I had a handle of things and people (family /friends) would not appreciate the extent of what was going on in my home.
@TheTruthHurts also seems concerned with my ability to recognize my own defects so that I do not carry them into future relationships. The past year I have done extension work on my own self, bringing my own dark side to light – facing exactly those things that I have brought to the table and working on making myself a better person. A large part of this process has helped me to fully appreciate the situation my children and I have been living in and helping me appreciate that I do have choices and that life does not have to be this way. Not an easy road, which is why I did come here for support and guidance in one of my many moments of doubt. 

And I sincerely thank all the posters who have taken the time to read, respond, support and challenge me and I am thankful for this space in which I can express what I am going through.


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