# sex issues..i hate myself...



## jessy81 (Dec 2, 2012)

This is really really embarrassing....i felt like crying last night. I am a bride of 2 months...i'm 33 ,i was previously divorced with barely any sexual experiences. This was a big part of why my marriage ended before...apart from huge personality differences then abuse in the end. Anyway....when i met my current husband i was very candid about my very conservative upbringing & how inadequate my ex was in this area. I felt like such an idiot....at 33 with barely any sexual experiences to mention after being divorced too. At first he enjoyed the innocent-virgin-like feeling he got from me that he can teach me everything & almost everything is new to me & excites me....i told him how totally insecure & ashamed i was about that at my age and since i was abused before about my body, i had body image & self esteem issues too. He was also divorced and had slept with many women prior to our marriage..so he's quite experienced...which was a turn on to me, but now i feel insecure. I keep thinking "what if i can't match up to his previous lovers?" "What if my body isn't as sexy as the other women?" ...i have no sex references since i only had my ex husband ever touch me..even after my divorce. Intimacy isn't something my religion or my upbringing handles lightly....anyway... things have been exciting & i was doing my very best to satisfy him as much as i know, read or heard of, again, at 33 , previously divorced, i am very frustrated about this. One of the things i had never done before or had done on me was oral sex. I told him in our engagement that i never tried it before among other things i never tried....fyi...i had sex about once every one or 2 months before in my previous marriage..and it was lousy & hurt me & when our marriage began to sink i hated him even touching me. Back to my new marriage....last night i tried to give him a bj....he tried teaching me several times before & every time my teeth touch him or i can't use my hands properly or it gets awkward....yesterday he wanted it & he kept complaining about my teeth & my gag reflex and we tried a few more times then he was turned off & stopped everything not wanting to talk about it. I swear i was about to cry suddenly conscious of every part of my exposed body & my lack of ability to please him...he is usually patient with me..but last night he wouldn't even do anything else...i expected him to cuddle me, try to ease away my lack of experience, maybe hug & kiss me until he's aroused again.....i was already embarrassed....but he told me how i ought to know how to do this by now since we've been married for 2 months with an active sex life and then he just shut down & asked me to sleep cuz i have work early in the morning.....i hate myself for being such an idiot..i hate that i'm old enough to be experienced but i'm not....i hate that i disappointed him when i love him so much. I contained the tears, swallowed my hurt pride and slept then in the morning on the bus i started to google how to do get this done right...the only good thing i found out is that: 1- I'm not the only one who can't do this stupid thing right 2- Teeth are a problem to almost all men 3- it's normal to have a gag reflex 4- what men see porn stars do is not real, it's how it looks not how it feels for the actors. My husband is the sweetest man ever & i know how much he loves me....but last night i was genuinely embarrassed & upset with how he handled the situation. I was wearing a nice nightgown, had put lotion & perfume & just wanted to even cuddle with him....it felt absolutely horrible to have this happen. I feel like **** & i don't know what to do.
I don't even want to go home now. The thing is tonight will be our night alone at home without the kids & i was hoping for intimacy....but now i dread it, feel awkward & totally upset and inadequate.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

I would guess that your husband is feeling horrible about how he treated you (if he is a decent sort of person).

It takes a while to find your groove with a new person, esp coming from a situation like yours was. I was never confident about my talents in BJs, and frankly, I didn't like giving them to my x. I know that they are important to a lot of guys, and the act itself isn't something that I find offensive so I decided to improve my technique. I googled and also bought a book recommended here. Passionista by Ian Kerner. Get it. You can download it. It is a fun, easy read.

As far as the gag reflex, use more hand. You don't need to deep throat it and a combo of hand and mouth and tongue is preferable. Redbookmag.com also has some great articles with specfics. Here is one: 15 Oral Sex Tips - How to Give a Great Blow Job - Redbook

So, do some research. I really hope your husband apologizes for his frustration. He needs to. At 33 and two months in, you have a lot of living to do (hopefully with him). If he is sensitive and you are adventurous and willing, life can be very, very good for both of you.

Oh, btw, I now love giving bjs. But that has less to do with technique and more to do with trust and hygiene of my guy (who knew!)


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Hmmm. The problem is more emotional than physical and I would have advice for your husband if he was here. But, what you need is to get your confidence back. His reassurance that he loves your body will help that a lot. But, he can't do that if you don't give it to him. Uncovered. Best thing you can do is tell him how you feel and then brave it and get naked. Here's hoping he isn't stupid enough to do this wrong.

MN

BTW when I get oral Teeth just means she got excited, not she got sloppy.


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## jessy81 (Dec 2, 2012)

Fenix said:


> I would guess that your husband is feeling horrible about how he treated you (if he is a decent sort of person).
> 
> It takes a while to find your groove with a new person, esp coming from a situation like yours was. I was never confident about my talents in BJs, and frankly, I didn't like giving them to my x. I know that they are important to a lot of guys, and the act itself isn't something that I find offensive so I decided to improve my technique. I googled and also bought a book recommended here. Passionista by Ian Kerner. Get it. You can download it. It is a fun, easy read.
> 
> ...


I'm very very grateful for your reply. Thank you so much. I just wanna cry all i want now before going home, i can't help feeling like a failure esp. knowing how much i love him & how i wanna please him & never disappoint him. But i can't help thinking, "Where did i go wrong?" i value intimacy & i don't do it out of wedlock & i had a horrible ex....and i was honest about this issue...why am i being blamed or rejected?? I'm so very hurt...this is the first time he's ever made me cry since i got to know him...he is THAT sweet....i'm very embarrassed now, lost confidence in myself, & i don't know how i'll be able to get naked or intimate again. i lost 100 lbs in the recent years & struggled all my life with body issues...i didn't need such an attitude at all...esp. that i am trying very hard & i'm finally looking much better than i used to...my ex used to "get revolted" by my body & would spend weeks not wanting to touch me...later i understood that he had sex problems....not because of my ugly body......i have nobody to talk to about this except here on the forum...i don't want to involve parents or friends in my problems..esp. of this nature....i'm very grateful for this forum. Again, thanks for your support & i truly hope he understands how hurt i am & apologizes to me....i'm extremely hurt, ashamed & upset.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

First, he needs to be a little more understanding. Your feeling rejected and inadequate won't help the situation.

if you use a hand together with your mouth, then you don't have to go that deep. and you have to figure out how to curl you lips so they cover teeth.

Get a dildo and practice. I am pretty sure you can even find you tube instructional videos for this

And please use paragraphs next time, it was very hard to get through your post like that.


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## Emren0316 (Oct 2, 2014)

I am sorry to hear about what happened last night with your hubby. I would encourage you not to worry about his past relationships. Being with your spouse takes time for anyone to learn, you have to learn what they like what you like and how you both would like things "done" regardless of any pasts relations because everyone is different. It took my hubby and I a full year to learn how to be with each other and both enjoy our time together. One book that really helped us was Sheet Music by Kevin Leman. 

Hope this helps!

Emren0316


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I hope your H apologizes to you tonight. He probably will if he is as sweet as you say. He was probably very frustrated last night and reacted badly. 

Have you sought any counseling for your self-esteem and body issues? A good therapist can really help you with your issues, and can be a safe person for you to talk with since you don't want to go to family and friends. 

Stop blaming yourself for your "lack" of experience. And just because he's had sex with a lot of different women doesn't mean he is a wonderful lover or is better than you somehow. Don't put yourself down over this. 

Learning and exploring should be fun; if he is turning sex into a traumatic event instead of an adventure when you are actively trying to learn, he's being an ass.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Jessie81
It is not at all your fault. It was wonderful for you to try something new for him - how could you possibly be an expert at something you haven't done before :scratchhead:

He was in the wrong - probably he was very excited about this and when it didn't work well he let his frustration get the better of him. I very much hope he realizes he was wrong and apologizes. No one should EVER complain about their partner's sexual performance - its fine to give suggestions and hints, but never complain. 

Try not to let this become a barrier. See if things are better tonight. 

If he is still upset, then he IS being completely unreasonable, and there is a more serious problem here.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

What "if" is the worst way a person can think.

What if a meteor hits the earth and you die tomorrow?

You see, there is NO LIMIT to "what if" question and you can get as far to the extreme as you would like.

Just accept and enjoy the man that he is, not the man that you THINK he might be.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Your husband was being a jerk to you and I hope he apologizes in a big way tonite. 

First off, lots of partners does not mean your a good lover. My wife had many partners to my one (her). And I've just recently realized that all these years she hasn't been a good lover. I relied on her for teaching and got none really. You need to put both your pasts out of your head and start fresh. Everything the two of you do and learn together is new and exciting. Your lack of experience means nothing as sex has no play book or certain way it should be done. Don't look to him to teach you. The two of you are on an adventure together. He may have been with other women, but it's highly unlikely that any of them were just like you. 

Gagging, your going too deep. Don't do that. You'll just have to work on the teeth thing. Try slowing down. Remember your in charge in this situation, not him. Tell him to relax and enjoy the ride. 

You do have serious issues caused by your past, I would probably recomend a sex therapist or at least a counselor. Another option is a book that made a big difference for my wife who was abused and had basically the same issues you say you do. The Sexually Confident Wife, by Shannon Ethridge. 

Good luck. Don't stress over this. It's gonna take time. 

Ray
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Oh boy... this is a complicated one if I've ever seen one. There are layers here, so I will bottom line them.

1. Death by Comparision - Catch yourself saying "what if" and stop. This is deadly to relationships, no matter the topic

2. Study sex and practice on your H

3. Ask your H for patience with your learning curve. (and yes, he needs to apologize for losing his patience last night)

4. Have patience with yourself and with him.

Own this... "you know what, I am me, I am not perfect, but there is only *one* me and my H chose me, so I trust his choice." When you feel panicky... say that to yourself until you are calm.

Look at tonight as a chance to learn new skills and put a little salve in last nights events. 

Last night you both were in pain. and one of the best things you could do tonight is WITHOUT expecting an apology on his behalf, just tell him "Honey, I'm sorry you were in pain last night."


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Last night you both were in pain. and one of the best things you could do tonight is WITHOUT expecting an apology on his behalf, just tell him "Honey, I'm sorry you were in pain last night."


You could always tell him his penis is sooooo big that it barely fits in your mouth...it might even be true, yes?

Just trying to provide some humor...Blossom's advice is very good advice.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

norajane said:


> You could always tell him his penis is sooooo big that it barely fits in your mouth...it might even be true, yes?
> 
> Just trying to provide some humor...Blossom's advice is very good advice.



LOL! Though you speak the truth... that is so funny


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

And here is an thought for you...


So, you rode this pony and he bucked you off last night. Sometimes studs do that... are you going to let him keep the upper hand? Or are you going to ride that pony...

*Time to CowGirl up, Sister!!*


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

the internet is your friend here. Get a cucumber, get online, and google Blowjobs. As the video plays, mimic what the girl is doing to the penis. Try a few different videos to see the variations.

It is not rocket science. And what is it with you and teeth? Just do not bite down. A good deal of the BJ is with the penis out of the mouth anyway, and you just using your tongue and hand.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> the internet is your friend here. Get a cucumber, get online, and google Blowjobs. As the video plays, mimic what the girl is doing to the penis. Try a few different videos to see the variations.
> 
> It is not rocket science. And what is it with you and teeth? Just do not bite down. A good deal of the BJ is with the penis out of the mouth anyway, and you just using your tongue and hand.


We need more detail on above. Can you post a video please?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

you are bad...


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, I want to introduce a concept to you called Emotional Agility. 

It is the speed it take you to recover from something that knocks you off course. Is it fast or slow? 


Your speed of recovery determines the level of your success.

The faster you become at shaking off failure the more confident your H will become in your ability to overcome your gaps. That is JUST as important right now as the other sex skills you are looking to gain. 

You are going to have to become VERY intimate with saying to yourself "Shake it off Girl"


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

jessy81 said:


> I'm very very grateful for your reply. Thank you so much. I just wanna cry all i want now before going home, i can't help feeling like a failure esp. knowing how much i love him & how i wanna please him & never disappoint him. But i can't help thinking, "Where did i go wrong?" i value intimacy & i don't do it out of wedlock & i had a horrible ex....and i was honest about this issue...why am i being blamed or rejected?? I'm so very hurt...this is the first time he's ever made me cry since i got to know him...he is THAT sweet....i'm very embarrassed now, lost confidence in myself, & i don't know how i'll be able to get naked or intimate again. i lost 100 lbs in the recent years & struggled all my life with body issues...i didn't need such an attitude at all...esp. that i am trying very hard & i'm finally looking much better than i used to...my ex used to "get revolted" by my body & would spend weeks not wanting to touch me...later i understood that he had sex problems....not because of my ugly body......i have nobody to talk to about this except here on the forum...i don't want to involve parents or friends in my problems..esp. of this nature....i'm very grateful for this forum. Again, thanks for your support & i truly hope he understands how hurt i am & apologizes to me....i'm extremely hurt, ashamed & upset.


 Ok, some tough love time. You have no reason to be ashamed. Look at what you have accomplished. Your weight loss, your getting out of an abusive marriage. OWN IT! Tap into your power and stop shouldering all of the blame. 



norajane said:


> I hope your H apologizes to you tonight. He probably will if he is as sweet as you say. He was probably very frustrated last night and reacted badly.
> 
> Have you sought any counseling for your self-esteem and body issues? A good therapist can really help you with your issues, and can be a safe person for you to talk with since you don't want to go to family and friends.
> 
> ...


 Yep. 



Blossom Leigh said:


> OP, I want to introduce a concept to you called Emotional Agility.
> 
> It is the speed it take you to recover from something that knocks you off course. Is it fast or slow?
> 
> ...


Speed of recovery points to resilience. Resilient people handle challenges better and are more positive. Frankly, I do not care if your husband becomes more confident in your ability. I care that YOU become more confident in your ability. Work on keeping your walls down so that you will be open to trying again. However, if he has another negative reaction, you need to tell him that that is not ok. All that does is set up failure in the future.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

EXCELLENT post to mine Fenix


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## marriedandlonely (Nov 7, 2011)

Dont be so hard on yourself if your man is right for you you will find that the sex side of marriage is different in most cases and has to be learned with a new partner,and that is why we should ask /tell with regard to likes and dislikes and I feel that 3 months is expecting a lot from someone as inexperienced as you.
Are there things things that aren't quite right for you,a G spot orgasm etc
Ask what you are doing wrong then there is plenty of help out there with books forums and therapists


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Oh sweetheart just hang in there it takes time to get the hang of it sometimes. From an old married lady..33yrs and going strong .;-) . One day that big old boy if yours is gonna like those cute little teeth of yours gentle dragging cause they help with his lack of sensation with age......so you just hang in there life's a journey and you and he will constantly be evolving what you each like and over the years it will change constantly. The big key is have patience with yourself and each other and have fun.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Change your thinking, change your reality.

So what if he's slept with many women? He married you right? So obviously he found something in you that was more special than any of those other women. 

My weight is pretty constant but over eleven years, I have gained weight and lost it and maintained it to differing degrees. I also had two kids who were none-too-kind in giving me stretch marks on my tummy. None of that changed his enthusiasm for seeing or touching my naked body. Whether you are naked or in lingerie in front of your man, and ready to lavish attention on him and be ravaged by him you are *always *the sexiest woman in the room. 

As for last night's fiasco, don't be too embarrassed. If anything, your husband is the one that needed a little more grace. I think an apology on his part is in order. But as for embarrassment, it can always be worse. I encourage you to watch this video I came across last night. Sometimes a little _Schadenfreude _can make us feel better about our own mishaps. 

The Moth Presents Lori Baird: G Marks The Spot - YouTube

And she has a great attitude about it too so watch it. Surely a little teeth grazing and inexperienced BJ giving is not as bad.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Personally I think your husband is completely in the wrong here. He married you knowing full well you don't have a lot of experience then turns around and chastises you when he feels you're not doing something right. In reality he should be applauding your efforts to branch out and learn new skills. 

If he had any sense he would be trying to positively re-inforce your efforts to encourage you to continue branching out.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Personally I think your husband is completely in the wrong here. He married you knowing full well you don't have a lot of experience then turns around and chastises you when he feels you're not doing something right. In reality he should be applauding your efforts to branch out and learn new skills.
> 
> If he had any sense he would be trying to positively re-inforce your efforts to encourage you to continue branching out.


:iagree:

He should also be taking his time and learning how to please his wife, finding all her erogenous zones, exploring the different ways he can turn her on and all the ways she can have orgasms...

Sex is a two-way street, OP. Learning is also a two-way street. No matter how much experience your H has had with one woman or multiple women, he still needs to learn YOUR turn on and where and how YOU like to be turned on. I hope your hubby made it up to you last night!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

The human mouth can only accommodate so much. It doesn't stretch like the vagina and it has teeth, unlike the vagina. Also, unlike the vagina, the human mouth does not become more lax as sexual excitement builds.

Give HIM a cucumber and ask him to show you how far down his throat he can get it, then watch the look of abject horror cross his face! Hand him a tooth brush and ask him to show you how far down his throat he can get it without gagging. Then smile sweetly and say you two can practice together.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Murphy's advice was what worked for me, especially the cucumber. I got in plenty of practice before the first attempt but I realize this is after the fact for you. Maybe you should get in some more practice before attempting again. Fantasize while practicing so that when you actually do it again you will be looking forward to it for your enjoyment as much as for his. This will boost your confidence a lot. 

Yeah, your H was a bit of jerk, but try to let it slide this time, especially if he is as sweet as you say he is. Humans get that way sometimes. How did it go the next night? I think if you show a bit less sensitivity and a bit more confidence, he will show a bit less frustration and appreciate the effort more. You have a sex goddess in you, release it! (Notice I said sex goddess not porn star).


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> The human mouth can only accommodate so much. It doesn't stretch like the vagina and it has teeth, unlike the vagina. Also, unlike the vagina, the human mouth does not become more lax as sexual excitement builds.
> 
> Give HIM a cucumber and ask him to show you how far down his throat he can get it, then watch the look of abject horror cross his face! Hand him a tooth brush and ask him to show you how far down his throat he can get it without gagging. Then smile sweetly and say you two can practice together.


I'd be careful with trying to prove points in that sort of way...Watch her husband turn out to be a circus side show sword swallower or something


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Give HIM a cucumber and ask him to show you how far down his throat he can get it, then watch the look of abject horror cross his face! Hand him a tooth brush and ask him to show you how far down his throat he can get it without gagging. Then smile sweetly and say you two can practice together.


Where that breaks down is when he's got no problem doing either. People's gag reflex varies from person to person. 

Similar with the taste of semen. I have no issue whatsoever with it (as long as its MINE!!!!!). Mrs. Gray tried the "well how do you like it?" and I was able to shoot that excuse down flat.


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## Redheadguy (Jul 30, 2014)

mineforever said:


> The big key is have patience with yourself and each other and have fun.





Miss Taken said:


> If anything, your husband is the one that needed a little more grace. I think an apology on his part is in order.





MaritimeGuy said:


> Personally I think your husband is completely in the wrong here. He married you knowing full well you don't have a lot of experience then turns around and chastises you when he feels you're not doing something right. In reality he should be applauding your efforts to branch out and learn new skills.
> 
> If he had any sense he would be trying to positively re-inforce your efforts to encourage you to continue branching out.





norajane said:


> :iagree:
> 
> He should also be taking his time and learning how to please his wife, finding all her erogenous zones, exploring the different ways he can turn her on and all the ways she can have orgasms...
> 
> Sex is a two-way street, OP. Learning is also a two-way street. No matter how much experience your H has had with one woman or multiple women, he still needs to learn YOUR turn on and where and how YOU like to be turned on. I hope your hubby made it up to you last night!



All of this. Learning what works for him (and what you like doing for him) should be fun for both of you.

Try something, look for a reaction,
Try something else, look for a reaction.

ask "you like A, or B?"

Try two other things.
Repeat.

Ask what else he would like you to try, he should be putty in your hands by now.


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## magnolia2014 (Aug 29, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> The human mouth can only accommodate so much. It doesn't stretch like the vagina and it has teeth, unlike the vagina. Also, unlike the vagina, the human mouth does not become more lax as sexual excitement builds.
> 
> Give HIM a cucumber and ask him to show you how far down his throat he can get it, then watch the look of abject horror cross his face! Hand him a tooth brush and ask him to show you how far down his throat he can get it without gagging. Then smile sweetly and say you two can practice together.


:rofl::rofl::rofl:

:smthumbup:


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

jessy81 said:


> ...last night i tried to give him a bj....he tried teaching me several times before & every time my teeth touch him or i can't use my hands properly or it gets awkward....yesterday he wanted it & he kept complaining about my teeth & my gag reflex and we tried a few more times then he was turned off & stopped everything not wanting to talk about it.


Get a carrot and go to a free porn site. Watch how the pro's give head and practice on your veggie. It's not all about jammin' the thing down your throat.

Surprise your husband with your new skills!

Oh and if you find yourself getting the urge to scratch one out while you're watching the porn......... save it for your husband and masturbate together!


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

shame on him


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