# Confused. Will doing a 180 help?



## whatthefrack (May 16, 2012)

I’m confused.

My wife and I have been married for seven years, and we have no kids. This January she informed me that she was not happy, and wanted to get a divorce. She said she wanted to live on her own and be a self-sufficient person who doesn’t have to depend on anyone, or ask for anyone’s permission to do things. She gave me the “I love you, but am no longer in love with you” line. She informed me she was planning on getting her own place in June.

I did all the wrong things. I begged. I pleaded. I fought. I changed. I tried to be more outgoing. The interesting thing is that she told a mutual friend of ours that she told me that she was unhappy in January and that I did nothing. She didn’t tell the friend that she told me she wanted a divorce. She didn’t tell the friend that she told me she didn’t even want to try working on it. She didn’t tell the friend that I was making an effort to do things, but she was resisting with all her might.

Well, on Tuesday, May 8th I found out my wife was seeing another man. I confronted her. She lied. I pushed. She admitted it. I told her that she had to choose between him and me and left it at that.

On Wednesday, May 9th I found out that, instead of going to work, she spent the day at this man’s house. I sent her a text telling her to get her things and leave. She did. Now she is staying at the man’s house. She has told me that she is moving out of his place in June, that she loves him, but isn’t interested in anything long-term, or marriage related with him. I also found out that she started talking to him in January, but the affair didn’t start until March. I interpret this as “We started our emotional affair In January, but it didn’t get physical until March.”

Thursday, May 10th I was devastated and did nothing.

Friday, May 11th I read that I should tell close friends and family about the affair to get it out into the open. I didn’t want to do it. I was hard and scary. I did it. I am now glad I did this because it has built up a nice center of support for me. When she found out she called me and was very upset, but I calmly just repeated “I understand you are upset, but I am trying to save our marriage.”

Saturday, May 12th I told her I wanted a divorce. If she wanted to go on seeing this man it was fine, but I wanted a divorce. She agreed. She didn’t come over to the house.

Sunday, May 13th She came over to the house, and we started filing for divorce but we were missing some necessary information. Before she left I talked to her and begged and pleaded.

Monday, May 14th I told her I found some information about divorce that would affect us both financially and I wanted to share it with her. She didn’t come to the house, but agreed to meet me the next day.

Tuesday, May 15th We both agreed that we should just talk about the divorce information over the phone. She called me, and she started talking about his dogs, and food, and that she was planning on going shopping after she got off the phone with me. She sounded very happy. I kept trying to steer the conversation back to finances and divorce. She kept going off on tangents. I got caught up and started talking about things that have nothing to do with finances and divorce. She laughed at my jokes. This has been the warmest she has ever been toward me since January. I was confused. We ended up agreeing that she would stop by the house to talk about finances and divorce. I was happy about this, because I read LMBT and one of the things I was supposed to do is give her a letter that basically says goodbye and it’s over. She came over, and we talked and we both agreed to postpone the divorce until I am done with school for financial reasons. That is a year and a half away. I was also shocked when she came over because (remember she sounded happy on the phone) she looked like she had been crying. Before she left I gave her the letter, and she read it. After she read it she started crying. She was standing by the door and I was sitting at the kitchen table. When she started crying it broke my heart to have hurt her, but I just sat at the table and said “goodbye.” She turned and walked out the door. It should also be noted that this was our first face to face conversation where I was not a mess. I was calm, collected, happy, and hopeful. I genuinely was. I did not beg nor plead with her.

I also think it is important to note that I am currently only working part time. I go to school full time. She has stated through our conversations that she is going to continue paying the mortgage on the house, and that I can stay here while I’m going to school. I just have to take care of the rest of the bills. Our initial plan was I would go to school, get a job, and then she would go to school. She said she wanted to do this “because she still cares about me.” She also plans on keeping me on her health insurance plan.

Needless to say, I’m confused. She has told me she still loves me, she still cares about me, she wants me to finish going through school and she wants to help me accomplish that. What is that all about?

After giving her the letter stating it is over and goodbye, my plan is to now go no contact except for financial matters and to work on myself to help me move on with my life. However, I am not completely over her and I think she is in the affair fog. Do you think we have a chance. I understand I have to be strong throughout this. I think I have personally made great strides in only a week, no?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Yes, 180 now. Heck, just reading through your account made me tired. You need to give her space.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Sorry you are facing this.

The 180 is entirely to help you detach fom her. She has clearly detached completely from the marriage, to the point she is living as another mans woman.

Get a legal separation agreement in place ASAP legally outlining responsibilities, for instance if she gets pregnant by the OM or if she runs up a big debt.

I would be very suspicious of her being nice like she is. She outright lied to you about her reason for leaving you. It was entirely for this OM.

So why be nice now? I smell a big fat rat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

No kids? NC is perfect. Only talk to her about the financial and divorce. Don't ask her anything personal, be vague about everything personal to you that has nothing to do with the divorce.

Most importantly, as hard as it will be, come off happy and content. No more begging or pleading. Start to make changes in your life. She will indulge you with her BS perfect life, don't fall for it.

Just remember, the 180 is about you moving on and detaching the emotions she has on you. It "could" cause her to miss you etc.. but don't jump on the first sign of regret on her part.

Mine has gone NC since I established it and it won't be working out. But the 180 is about us really.. not them

Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whatthefrack (May 16, 2012)

She has also started hanging out with a new group of friends. I feel that they are pushing her toward the divorce. All of our mutual friends are shocked by her behavior, because she is the last person you would think would do something like this. All of our mutual friends always thought we were happy. She has distanced herself from our mutual friends and from her family.


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## whatthefrack (May 16, 2012)

UpnDown said:


> No kids? NC is perfect. Only talk to her about the financial and divorce. Don't ask her anything personal, be vague about everything personal to you that has nothing to do with the divorce.
> 
> Most importantly, as hard as it will be, come off happy and content. No more begging or pleading. Start to make changes in your life. She will indulge you with her BS perfect life, don't fall for it.
> 
> ...


The last time she came over I believe I presented myself as calm and happy. I think from here on out I can present myself that way.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Mine has also started to associate herself with new people. New people = new life right? lol ..


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## whatthefrack (May 16, 2012)

UpnDown said:


> Mine has also started to associate herself with new people. New people = new life right? lol ..


It seems like she is thinking that way. I think she is in self destruct mode. She has started going to bars and getting extremely drunk lately. It's kind of scarey.


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## whatthefrack (May 16, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Sorry you are facing this.
> 
> The 180 is entirely to help you detach fom her. She has clearly detached completely from the marriage, to the point she is living as another mans woman.
> 
> ...


I think she still genuinely cares about me, but I think she felt trapped in our marriage. From what I read, when I begged and pleaded it was pushing her further and further away because it made her feel trapped.

I have also read that a person having an affair is in some sort of fog. They perceive the other person as perfect, and they also start to look at their marriage and rewrite the history of it. She had a list of things about our marriage that shocked me. It was like she was looking for reasons to be unhappy.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Go away, honey. Do the 180.

Maybe she is looking for space, and maybe she'll come looking for you. But for now? You maintain a dignified silence. It's the only way.

Also, *hugs*


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

Hi Whatthefrack and welcome and SORRY 

I haven't been here long, but just from reading everyones stories you'll see they follow a very similar pattern.


ILYBINILWY, needing space/self sufficiency
 Wayward spouse getting caught
 betrayed spouse is incredibly hurt (and begs and pleads because they want the fantasy of who they thought that person was back)
 WS is generally a very confused/messed up individual, unable to find personal happiness, and because of that will toss out little nuggets of hope while trapped in their own delusions (and keep you as a plan B)
 BS gets individual counseling, owns up to their part in the problems, does things like the 180 to improve themselves, goes through a lot of pain
 BIG D

i miss anything?


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## whatthefrack (May 16, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Go away, honey. Do the 180.
> 
> Maybe she is looking for space, and maybe she'll come looking for you. But for now? You maintain a dignified silence. It's the only way.
> 
> Also, *hugs*


I am starting dignified silence today. Haven't felt the urge to talk to her at all.


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## whatthefrack (May 16, 2012)

Matt1720 said:


> Hi Whatthefrack and welcome and SORRY
> 
> I haven't been here long, but just from reading everyones stories you'll see they follow a very similar pattern.
> 
> ...


I've already owned up to my part of the problems, but I refuse to take blame for the affair. That is 100% her. I also plan on working on myself. Going to start exercising to lose some weight and i'm starting to hang out with friends more often. I'll add more things to improve as I move along. Right now I still hope we can avoid the "BIG D," but I am quickly moving away from that.


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

Sounds like you're on the right track. Only when you are truly ok with it (because you've found happiness as an INDIVIDUAL again), can you take a fresh yet realistic look at your relationship. 

Something I'm working on myself. I had my "January" not too long ago, and I wish my response had been "just show me where to sign".


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## whatthefrack (May 16, 2012)

Matt1720 said:


> Sounds like you're on the right track. Only when you are truly ok with it (because you've found happiness as an INDIVIDUAL again), can you take a fresh yet realistic look at your relationship.
> 
> Something I'm working on myself. I had my "January" not too long ago, and I wish my response had been "just show me where to sign".


I now wish I had done that too...


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

Take this time to truly learn why you didn't. You felt blindsided, 7 years is a long time. You'll read stories on here of even longer. I bet there were some really good times in there you think you could get back. Thats natural. 

Relationships are a two way street, and whether one week, one month, one lifetime, if someone wants out, you open the door for 'em.

Just Let them Go


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