# How do you quit when you have kids



## illusion (Jul 16, 2010)

My son is almost three. And, I've been feeling for the last three years that there isn't much left to my marriage. We almost separated a year ago, but decided to try to work it out. But, really before we made any progress she became pregnant again. I still don't know if my marriage is worth saving. I know that if we didn't have kids I would have left a long time ago. But, I'm afraid about raising my kids in a divorced home. I really don't know what to do. My wife is a few weeks away from having our second child.


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## Anya (May 22, 2010)

This is so sad. I would say stay for the sake of the kids.
Try to work a get-along plan with your wife in order to make both comfortable because notonly those kids need you now, but also during the rest of their lives. They are not in fault for being here.
You are lucky for having a wife and kids. Many people out here wish to be in your place right now, myself included. So think about it, be strong, raise your kids together, individual satisfaction in a bit selfish when you have a famiily. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## illusion (Jul 16, 2010)

Thanks for the advice, Anya. I think that staying for the kids is what I'm going to end up doing. I'm guessing that you mean that you can't have kids. I'm sorry to hear that. I love my kids and would do anything for them. I haven't met my daughter yet, but I'm sure I'll love her as much as I love my son. But, I really think that my marriage is dead. And, I don't know if staying with it, might actually be worse for the kids.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

*tRe: How do you quit when you have kids*

If your only reason to stay is for the children then IMO, that is not a good enough reason, if they can't see a healthy man/woman marriage to model after, how is that good?...I used to feel that way and still do, but I also know your children should be able to witness a marriage where both partners show a lot of intimacy.


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## illusion (Jul 16, 2010)

I just finished another fight with my wife. My son was sitting on my lap through most of it. I think you're right this can't be a good environment to raise kids. Part of the reason we fought is that I'm still upset about an email she sent me a month ago. Here's the part I'm still mad about ...

"I've tried to be happy about this baby, I really have, I only act excited because I'm supposed to. well, I'm not. I don't want it, I don't want to have to deal wtih another kid and have a year of trying to figure out why the kid is crying and why won't it stop, and now there's another kid in diapers and I have to wait 2 years for it to start talking, so I can figure out what's wrong and work around all this stuff. Now there's just 2 kids to haul around and one that can't even take care of itself." 

She said that she didn't mean any of it, that she was just trying to get my attention. I still don't think that you can say things like that and not mean it. And, she doesn't understand why I would be upset about it.

Oh, and my anniversary is tomorrow


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## PictureTaker5 (Jul 20, 2010)

As the child of a loveless marriage in which I saw my mother give up her dreams and identity to stay with my father "for the sake of the children", I can tell you first hand that the kids KNOW that the parents are unhappy. And, ultimately, they come to resent the parents and lose respect for them for not being strong enough to fight for what's going to make them happy. Not to mention the relationship difficulties you're setting up for your kids in the future who have never seen and have no idea of what a normal, healthy relationship looks like.

You have to ask yourself - is it more important for your kids to see you and your wife happy or married? Obviously in a perfect world, you would be married AND happy. But if those two are mutually exclusive given the current status of the relationship, then you are NOT doing your children any favors by staying in a marriage that makes you feel miserable. 

As for what your wife said to you about your second child, I would cut her a little slack here. As the mother of two young kids myself (4 and 2), I can tell you that being pregnant with number 2 really does a number on a woman. ESPECIALLY if there's trouble in the marriage and she's feeling a lack of safety and security there. You need to remember that she's very emotional right now and probably feeling like she's losing control. I can't state enough how difficult the transition from one child to two can be - it's normal for her to have some feelings of anxiety, fear, and even apathy. It doesn't mean she doesn't love your unborn child. And it doesn't make her a lousy mother. The first year of caring for a baby is REALLY difficult, a fact that I think is sometimes under-appreciated by many. There is an absolute feeling of helplessness when your baby cries and you have no idea what's wrong. Couple that with the total dependance this new little person has on you for their every need, a lack of sleep, and trying to care for the older child?? It just cannot be said enough how difficult this can be.

I actually respect that she shared those thoughts with you - sometimes as moms we have these thoughts that are SO SCARY to us and really hard to admit to (we're supposed to only feel love and sunshine and rainbows for our kids at ALL TIMES!). The fact that she was open enough to communicate them to you (despite probably feeling really yucky and guilty about having those thoughts at all) is a good sign. You want your wife to be able to tell you these things. You want to be able to reassure her that she's not a bad mother. That you will get through it together. If you shamed her or made her feel like an awful monster of a person for having those thoughts, then that's on you. What she's feeling is completely normal.

I hope you and your wife both find the happiness you deserve, whether it's separately or with each other.


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## SuzyQ64 (Jul 19, 2010)

I was raised in a divorced home, back when the word "divorce" was only whispered in polite company--it doesn't have the stigma it did then--I turned out just fine. My father left us bankrupt when I was under 5 and my mother got remarried later on to an abusive drunk. It taught me to be self reliant and work hard because you need to be strong and fend for yourself. I can certainly do that now. The only ill effect it had was that I married a man that I thought would be a good father rather than a man that I thought would be a good partner. I was so determined that my future kids had a positive father figure, that I overlooked a lot of basic incompatibilities between my husband and I. I think if you stay in their lives and provide good positive parenting, they will be fine.


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## Zulu (Apr 16, 2010)

Do not stay for the sake of the kids, stay for the sake of raising children in a stable family environment, find out what your issues are and deal with them... too many people just ay "oh, I am so unhppy" and then chuck in the towel, people are like you let them become and this is a very dear leson that I am learning, you are still together, stay like that, you will find a new woman and have the same crap... you are the problem, not the wife... fix it...


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Ok Illusion, the letters, changes things a lot, she is obviously reaching out to you!!..you two need to talk things out before making a rash decision on leaving, so discuss everything, absorb it then decide TOGETHER whether to work it out, seek help or give up,


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## illusion (Jul 16, 2010)

I listened to all of your comments and I thought very deeply about this. My wife and I have been fighting since Friday. We've both said that if it wasn't for the kids we would have left by now. And, we've both said a lot of hurtful things. I know that I'm as much to blame in all of this as her. I decided that if there's a chance of fixing the problems in our marriage it would be better than leaving. No one's cheated on the other, there's not drug abuse, or any serious problems. There's just a lot of anger and hurt feelings.

I apologized for bringing up the the email and told her that I wouldn't do that again. She said that she does want to be a mom and she regrets saying those things. We had a pretty good day after that. She even stopped by my work and brought me lunch. I think that we can move past this. But, it's been hard, and I know that we've got another rough year ahead. The new baby is about three weeks away. It just gets so frustrating sometimes, and it makes you think maybe it's better to just end it all. 

Thanks for the comments there was a lot of wisdom in them.


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## hardcase119 (Jul 21, 2010)

illusion said:


> I listened to all of your comments and I thought very deeply about this. My wife and I have been fighting since Friday. We've both said that if it wasn't for the kids we would have left by now. And, we've both said a lot of hurtful things. I know that I'm as much to blame in all of this as her. I decided that if there's a chance of fixing the problems in our marriage it would be better than leaving. No one's cheated on the other, there's not drug abuse, or any serious problems. There's just a lot of anger and hurt feelings.
> 
> I apologized for bringing up the the email and told her that I wouldn't do that again. She said that she does want to be a mom and she regrets saying those things. We had a pretty good day after that. She even stopped by my work and brought me lunch. I think that we can move past this. But, it's been hard, and I know that we've got another rough year ahead. The new baby is about three weeks away. It just gets so frustrating sometimes, and it makes you think maybe it's better to just end it all.
> 
> Thanks for the comments there was a lot of wisdom in them.


Just so you know......there are a lot of hormones and emotional things going on with a woman when they are pregnant or if they have just had a baby. I would not hold her to anything that she said about that situation. Writing something down at the onset of depression things can get mixed up in translation. We all think bad things sometimes, it's just when we express them is when them seem worse than they are. 

I say talk to someone and come up with a plan. At the same time, don't stay together for the kids. Kids are a lot smarter than we all give them credit for and I believe that it WILL damage them to be the kids of a loveless marriage than to be kids that are loved by divorced parents. Kids need parents is the key, it doesn't always mean that they need them together.


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## Wetcheeks (Feb 1, 2010)

Illusion, first even though things were not great before the present pregnancy I would urge you both to get someone to talk to as soon as possible, a trusted counselor can make all the difference in making it through these incredible hormonally driven roller coaster days with a minimum of verbal and emotional wreckage to clean up later! This is so normal, so everyday normal for new, tired pregnant parents of a toddler and a soon to be newborn...before you make any permanent decision, get counseling for yourself, get her talking to someone BEFORE the new baby comes, so she will have someone to talk to after that can help her to verbalize safely and cope and also recognize any postpartum symptoms if they arise (women get just as scared, tired, anxious, fearful with each new child probably a lot of what you as a new father are feeling as this approaches)...Above all I would say make NO permanent decision right now, you say there is no infidelity, no drug or alcohol abuse, just anger and hurt feelings, if this is true, then if you can be patient through this next tired stressful part and focus on the love, the bonding and talk to someone throughout, you may find a way to learn to talk to each other again without all the anger and hurt but remember she is going to need time just to get back to "normal", to her baseline as well...just some advice from my experience...


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## illusion (Jul 16, 2010)

Thanks, for the advice and support. For now, I'll try to give her room to deal with the emotional aspect of having a new baby. We going to look into counseling, and hopefully we can try to make this marriage work.


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