# I am feeling resentful



## bluezone

My husband went out and bought a newer previously owned car for 20,000 when we are already in debt for 14,000. We had talked this over previously and I knew he did need a car. 

So he looked around and he was talking about spending in the 14,000 range putting half of that money down with a tax return. Well he bought the 20,000 car without telling me he was going to sign the paperwork, and then informed me after the fact. His excuse BTW was that I didn't seem like I was "engaged" in the process of him buying a car.

At first we weren't talking. I have, in the past, gotten mad at him for stuff like this, gotten over it and "made nice". This time I didn't feel like I could do that again. I went for over a week without speaking to him. He had the nerve to say that I was treating him cruelly by giving him the "silent treatment". 

He suggested we go to counseling and see a marriage counselor that we went to previously. I told him we needed to find a counselor that is in our insurance plan, as this person was not. Then he told me in an email that I was "dismissing" him because I did not consider the fact that he wanted to go back to this particular counselor. 

I told him that I find it unbelievable that he can say I was dismissing him after what he did by buying a car without consenting with me about it first. 

What do you do with someone like this? I have always been able to find something to bring me back to him in the past, but this time I don't know if I can do that. He also bought a car that is more like a sports car...and we have 2 kids that are 6 & 7 and growing by the day. He seems to care more about getting a car that makes him look like the man than considering that we need a car to use as a family. 

After this last stint I told him no more credit cards and am starting a budget. But the problem is I feel like I have lost so much respect that our relationship is damaged. There is more that he has done in the past that I have tried very hard to move past and forgive him for, but I feel like this is the last straw.


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## bluezone

Does anyone have any advice or comments?


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## tacoma

Well, honestly if I want to by a car, I buy the car.

I make 90% of the money in our household and take care of all the finances/bills so I don`t "consult" with my wife about my purchases.

I don`t hide them either though.


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## bluezone

I work full time as well as my husband, although I don't earn as much. But he has hidden stuff from me in the past including a gambling problem. He is not currently gambling to my knowledge and we have worked through this issue, although obviously it hurt our relationship. We also used to buy shore houses as a side business with a friend of his. We were in this business for about 10 years together and would buy houses, rent them and flip them. About 4 years ago he and his friend went and bought another house without letting me know. I found out when I saw my husband's email and he was discussing the property with the friend. Honestly I have to ask myself why I am in this relationship...although we have two young children. We have been to some marriage counseling but not extensive.


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## tacoma

bluezone said:


> I work full time as well as my husband, although I don't earn as much. But he has hidden stuff from me in the past including a gambling problem. He is not currently gambling to my knowledge and we have worked through this issue, although obviously it hurt our relationship. We also used to buy shore houses as a side business with a friend of his. We were in this business for about 10 years together and would buy houses, rent them and flip them. About 4 years ago he and his friend went and bought another house without letting me know. I found out when I saw my husband's email and he was discussing the property with the friend. Honestly I have to ask myself why I am in this relationship...although we have two young children. We have been to some marriage counseling but not extensive.


Ahh..that`s a bit different.
He makes a habit of hiding his spending on large items from you.

Yeah, that`s not good.

Talking to him apparently hasn`t done any good.
Other than extensive counseling I really don`t know what you could do to stop this habit.


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## anotherguy

OK, there is plenty going on here.

So - why is he stuck on this particular counselor? Because they agree?

Sort of seems like a no brainer if insurance doesnt cover it - unless you want to rack up a few months worth of $100 bucks an hour.. and I am just speculating here that money does matter. I think you should follow through on this and try to find a way to select someone else that you can both agree on selecting and be prepared for more than a couple of sessions.

I have heard there are also co-counseling options - where you meet with both male and female counselors. Sort of removes that little wrinkle in the equation. But.. I have zero experience in that area.. just thinking out loud here.

Just reading your one sided story - he sounds controlling, petulant and selfish - not to mention dismissive and sneaky - though if he is suggesting you seek counseling I guess that means he sees there are problems in the relationship too.


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## bluezone

He wanted to go to this particular counselor because he feels comfortable with her and she knows some of our background. However, I did find another therapist who is in our insurance and we did go to see her last week, so that much is good. We will see how it goes. 

Yes, some of the stuff you mention is what I am feeling about him...I do feel like he is selfish. He is an only child, and maybe that comes from being an only child, I don't know. 

There is a part of me that feels like I will never be able to fully trust him after what he has done with the gambling, buying things behind my back, etc. 

And yet there are qualities about him that are great...that's what makes this so difficult.


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## anotherguy

No - selfishness does not come from being an only child, it comes from 'still being' a child.

good luck with the sessions - hopefully that will start a positive trend.


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## bluezone

Thanks for the input from both of you...

For now I have taken credit cards and put them away (we discussed this first) and we are on a budget for the first time in our married life. I think sometimes just having a plan makes it a little easier. 

But today he was already talking about how his Godparent is not doing well (he lives in Florida) and how we should all go to visit him and can we go in April, etc. etc. I think he should go see him if he wants to but right now we cannot afford for a family of four to fly to florida, stay somewhere, etc.

I will let you know how the counseling goes...


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## maccheese

I wen through the same thing with my husband purchasing a car we could not afford (I actually posted it in this forum.) We discussed buying the car, how much, and when. I was all for waiting a couple of months to buy, because the closer to tax time we got, the more financially prepared we would be to purchase. We also discussed getting a car payment of as close to $200 as possible. Long story short, he purchased the car to soon, and rushed into payment that was over $100 more than we can afford. Now, as per the budget I had in writing, we have come up short, and are due to come up short next month. Then he gets mad when I bring the car issue back up as the reason I am tired of working these extra hours, too tired to have sex, and not having any money to do anything other than ride around in the car.



bluezone said:


> Thanks for the input from both of you...
> 
> For now I have taken credit cards and put them away (we discussed this first) and we are on a budget for the first time in our married life. I think sometimes just having a plan makes it a little easier.
> 
> But today he was already talking about how his Godparent is not doing well (he lives in Florida) and how we should all go to visit him and can we go in April, etc. etc. I think he should go see him if he wants to but right now we cannot afford for a family of four to fly to florida, stay somewhere, etc.
> 
> I will let you know how the counseling goes...


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## maccheese

I think the best way to get past what he did and forgive him is to focus on something else. Fact of the matter is that he bought the car without agreement from you (same thing happened to me.) I just resolved to let him be and grown man and learn from his mistake. If we're in the hole a couple of months because of his decision, so be it. If he's mad because he doesn't have any spending money due to him over extending the budget, so be it. I as the wife, and the head of the finances and budgeting still have to make sure that there is money for groceries for our whole family, money for gas to get back and forth to work and to pick up the kids, money for childcare, and money for other essentials. Trust me, if it comes to it, the cable will get cut off, the gas budget will decrease and we will have to sit in the house on the weekend, our grocery budget will decrease and we will be eating soups and stews. Whatever we have to do to make up for the loss. I have forgiven my husband for what he did, but that does not mean he gets a free pass, can have his car, and can still spend freely. Nope! Enjoy your car while I continue to do my job as a wife and mother.



bluezone said:


> My husband went out and bought a newer previously owned car for 20,000 when we are already in debt for 14,000. We had talked this over previously and I knew he did need a car.
> 
> So he looked around and he was talking about spending in the 14,000 range putting half of that money down with a tax return. Well he bought the 20,000 car without telling me he was going to sign the paperwork, and then informed me after the fact. His excuse BTW was that I didn't seem like I was "engaged" in the process of him buying a car.
> 
> At first we weren't talking. I have, in the past, gotten mad at him for stuff like this, gotten over it and "made nice". This time I didn't feel like I could do that again. I went for over a week without speaking to him. He had the nerve to say that I was treating him cruelly by giving him the "silent treatment".
> 
> He suggested we go to counseling and see a marriage counselor that we went to previously. I told him we needed to find a counselor that is in our insurance plan, as this person was not. Then he told me in an email that I was "dismissing" him because I did not consider the fact that he wanted to go back to this particular counselor.
> 
> I told him that I find it unbelievable that he can say I was dismissing him after what he did by buying a car without consenting with me about it first.
> 
> What do you do with someone like this? I have always been able to find something to bring me back to him in the past, but this time I don't know if I can do that. He also bought a car that is more like a sports car...and we have 2 kids that are 6 & 7 and growing by the day. He seems to care more about getting a car that makes him look like the man than considering that we need a car to use as a family.
> 
> After this last stint I told him no more credit cards and am starting a budget. But the problem is I feel like I have lost so much respect that our relationship is damaged. There is more that he has done in the past that I have tried very hard to move past and forgive him for, but I feel like this is the last straw.


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## bluezone

Maccheese I agree with you totally. It is kind of the same attitude I adopted after he went and bought his car, okay you can have the nice car that we can't afford right now but guess what? Now we don't have money to go on vacation, eat out, and do all the normal stuff that you want to do on a regular basis. So now we both have a set amount we can spend each month. I have never attempted this with him so we will see how it goes. 

I also have a problem because he specifically went behind my back and purchased the car, when we have had many many issues in the past with him which I have mentioned before that have hurt my trust in him, including gambling. 

We are going to marriage counseling and so far I am impressed with the therapist we are seeing. I can only hope that the light she is shedding on our marriage and our relationship will allow him to be more introspective. Keeping my fingers crossed. Good luck with your situation and keep us posted...


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## FourtyPlus

Few years ago my husband bought a brand new truck, $600 payment. Nothing was wrong with his "old" truck except for it had been paid off. He took me to the dealership to see the new truck (very nice, loved it!) but I knew right then and there that if I had talked him out of buying it, we'd never hear the end of it. I figured, it's his money (I didn't work back then) - go buy the damn truck! He did and then the economy tanked and his business went belly up. The truck went back. We ended up being a 1-car family for a while. In hindsight, I'm glad I didn't say "no" to the new truck - he learned a lesson, we both did. 
We now have a mid size car with a do-able car payment and I drive an old Geo Metro. Makes a bunch of noise and will need the engine rebuild soon - but we paid cash for it, it drives and filling it up is a breeze. Gets me from Point A to Point B - that's all I need a car for.


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## MollyMcBudda

Can you return the car? Or sell it?

That would be my ultimatum to him. Sell the car and we can talk.

And then, buy a used car outright and get out of debt. JMHO


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## maccheese

The car is used. We just can't afford it. Returning the car would be a voluntary repossession. 



MollyMcBudda said:


> Can you return the car? Or sell it?
> 
> That would be my ultimatum to him. Sell the car and we can talk.
> 
> And then, buy a used car outright and get out of debt. JMHO


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