# step parents..men's perspectives



## loveforfamily

Okay, in short. I am remarried. I have a 12 year old daughter from my previous marriage. She is a good kid, however teen years approaching. She has gone through divorce and 'm ow a new family dynamic. My husband and I just had a new little one a few months back. I have always been close to my oldest child. As a mother, not her friend. There are some issues coming up more frequently with her age. I find myself battling with the husband on his role in her life. He wants to be more active in raising her and he some say so in discipline in the house. I do need to add that my oldest daughters father is in the picture. Which is good, however, can be complicated. I guess what I am looking for here is experiences. What worked for folks in similar situations. How new step dad's in blended families coped, felt and what they needed from the house to feel included, needed and part of the functions. I am at odds with husband over this because I do feel he does not need to have full on rights as her father and I would and that him intervening when I am parenting can hinder more than help due to a 12 year olds sense of self and others place in her life. I want him to feel a part of it, but not drive them away from their own bond of sorts. Just at a loss at the moment. thanks in advance.


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## papa5280

When your daughter is at her father's house, he sets the rules/discipline for her. When she's at your house, you AND your husband set the rules for her. The two of you need to have agreement, even though she's your daughter.

My step-daughter was 11 when we got married. We also had two kids together, within the first few years of the marriage. We weren't on the same page, either with my step-daughter or our two kids together. I was the bad guy...the disciplinarian.

Because of this, my step-daughter and I fought...a LOT. In addition, my bio-kids always looked for ways to drive a wedge between me and my wife, with respect to discipline. I'd ground them and she'd let them go to what they wanted, anyway.

So, now it's 18 years later. My wife and I divorced over the past 3 years. Differences in parenting were a substantial cause. The ironic thing is that my step-daughter is now 30, has three kids of her own, and is one of my closest relationships. When she talks to her kids, I hear my words coming out of her mouth. She has thanked me for being such a hard-a$$ during her teen years.

She may not be his kid, but it IS his house. And he has the right, along with you, to set expectations of behavior in his house.


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## loveforfamily

Is it acceptable to have him discipline through me when it comes to her? In other words, we set rules expectations behind closed doors and I enact what is decided? I just don't want a wedge between them. Yes, it is his h o use, too. I prefer to say our house. Maybe that is what makes it harder all around. He moved into the house that my daughter and I occupied before. The adjustment period is quite interesting. I respect his values and how he sees child rearing. The baby is his first though. So it is all new to him. I wouldn't of married him if I could not respect him and his views. I appreciAte that insight. Looking for a good balance. I want no wedge in this household. Want to handle it all right as my husband can be wise and my daughter is very smart and promising. I do feel he has much to offer.


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## papa5280

I don't think you can tie his hands by setting an expectation that he can only discipline through you. IMO, the three of you (you, hubby, daughter) should have a discussion where you let her know that step-dad operates as another parent. She is to show him the same respect she shows dad and you. In a sense, make her a partner to the agreement. If she feels like she is being treated with respect, up front, she's more likely to reciprocate.

THEN, you need to keep an eye on the relationship between hubby & daughter. If he is too harsh or lenient in discipline, in your opinion, then you take him aside (not in front of daughter) and let him know you feel that way. If the two of you can't come to agreement on how to handle the 12 year old, how will you ever come to agreement on the little one(s).


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

You should have household rules and the focus should be on those, a standard of behavior. Every member of the family should be able to address behavior standards with the other members...

In my experience, when kids are treated with respect, and given responsibilities (not chores) that are aligned with common goals, there's not a lot of "discipline" needed.

Rather than address the "discipline" issue, maybe focus more on family behavioral standards, code of conduct and family and individual goal setting. Then if behavior doesn't support any of that, or is acting against anyone or group meeting goals, it can be addressed in that context, not someone doling out discipline. 

I can't remember the last time I had to 'discipline' my kids. They are never grounded, never had food withheld (treats), never deprived of an outing, etc. 

It really can be done, I'm speaking from experience. I also have a kid who went through teens and is fully functioning as an adult, we still all play together once in a while. 

Also, what kind of discipline? I had an ex, who was my kids' stepfather and I learned that he hit them, so I told him no way did he ever have my permission to do that, and I would file assault charges if he did...if you give some people an inch they'll take a mile. You are responsible for your daughter's health and well being. Only you know what this 'discipline' request involves, but be careful what you agree to, if anything.

Have you talked this over with your daughter's dad? I think he should probably have a say, if you are co-parenting then that would make sense.


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## frusdil

loveforfamily said:


> The baby is his first though. So it is all new to him.


With all due respect, just because the baby is his first, does not mean your husband doesn't know how to be a good parent.

I am a step mum, and we had huge problems with my step daughters behaviour at one point. My husband and his ex wife were far too permissive and she had been spoilt for far too long. They have been parents for 9 years, I have no kids of my own but they got it so very wrong and I was right.

I insisted that my husband (then fiance) and I negotiate some boundaries and what was acceptable and not acceptable behaviour. I said he had 3 options and they were:

1: He takes over all discipline and I do none. This means no school pickups, outings or time alone for me and the little one as I cannot control her since I can't discipline her.

2: I take over all discipline and he backs me up 100%.

3: I stay with my parents Wed-Sat while she's at our place, because I refused to put up with disgusting behaviour.

He chose a combo of 1 and 2. We both discussed rules and behaviour and we both enforce them together.

I am far stricter than he, I pull her up every single time she plays up (doesn't happen much at all anymore) and I now have NO trouble with her at all. Her grades have improved, she's made friends and she's a MUCH happier little girl 

So listen to your husband, because bio parents don't always get it right


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## loveforfamily

frusdil said:


> With all due respect, just because the baby is his first, does not mean your husband doesn't know how to be a good parent.
> 
> I am a step mum, and we had huge problems with my step daughters behaviour at one point. My husband and his ex wife were far too permissive and she had been spoilt for far too long. They have been parents for 9 years, I have no kids of my own but they got it so very wrong and I was right.
> 
> I insisted that my husband (then fiance) and I negotiate some boundaries and what was acceptable and not acceptable behaviour. I said he had 3 options and they were:
> 
> 1: He takes over all discipline and I do none. This means no school pickups, outings or time alone for me and the little one as I cannot control her since I can't discipline her.
> 
> 2: I take over all discipline and he backs me up 100%.
> 
> 3: I stay with my parents Wed-Sat while she's at our place, because I refused to put up with disgusting behaviour.
> 
> He chose a combo of 1 and 2. We both discussed rules and behaviour and we both enforce them together.
> 
> I am far stricter than he, I pull her up every single time she plays up (doesn't happen much at all anymore) and I now have NO trouble with her at all. Her grades have improved, she's made friends and she's a MUCH happier little girl
> 
> So listen to your husband, because bio parents don't always get it right


Well, I will say you are correct that new parents can have a sense for what is good for children. Let me me this clear. I have done well by my oldest and know her. She is already a straight A student, has good friends, is very respectful (well okay save the new era of teenship we are entering ugh!) And is eager to help and be a part of good things. It's yes ma'am, no sir and thank you all around. To be fair I have been fearful of the step dad thing. Scared of her resentments etc. This is not good and could lead to bad things. Her dad hates my husband as he would any man I would have or could have been with. So, needless to say getting all of us together is not going to happen. I would never be okay with anyone hitting my kids. I am sorry to hear that of the other poster. Back to the ex, he has straight out said I am to discipline and my husband is just thAt, my husband. To which I reply with nothing because my husband and I will do what we need in this household and getting the ex to see beyond what he feels is okay for him and anyone he can control....well that's a whole other thread topic. I would not and will not put up with disgusting behavior from children. It's more about, what could be done to help the adjustments. I love my husband and as stated before, he is a very wise man. Very old fashioned and likes things simple for everyone's own good. Good news we did talk tonight and did come to some terms. I also had to gently remind him about the dynamics of a child that he doesn't get and he did admit to those things he has been wrong just as I have in not letting the and I have more equal ground on the decisions. I have faith we will work it out. It's just good to know other's perspectives. I mean the blended family is new for me too. Also the teen years are. A lot of prayer for hormonal balances around here. My poor husband is dealing with a wife coming down from pregnant hormones, a preteen and a new baby. Goodness I love his bravery. Ha! I have thought about the work we need to do as a family and as the one poster suggested, a family plan of what is expected of all and that understanding that everyone including mums and dads have benefits and consequences. My husband does care a great deal for my oldest. He is asking for some things, I believe, in her interest and defense. I just need to get over the fears and "man up" to this part of the adventure.


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## frusdil

I never said you haven't raised your daughter well. Your attitude that your baby is your husbands first child, so it's all new to him was very condescending.

If he is the father figure in the home during the time your daughter is there, he has a right to decide on appropriate discipline, boundaries and behaviours with you, and then the two of you must support each other in enforcing them.


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## loveforfamily

Okay, thanks all for your input.


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## papa5280

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Also, what kind of discipline? I had an ex, who was my kids' stepfather and I learned that he hit them, so I told him no way did he ever have my permission to do that, and I would file assault charges if he did...if you give some people an inch they'll take a mile. You are responsible for your daughter's health and well being. Only you know what this 'discipline' request involves, but be careful what you agree to, if anything.


I had already assumed-away corporal punishment. Disciplinarian step-dad should never put his hands on step-daughter in any way. of course, from my perspective, nether should bio mom or dad.


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## EnjoliWoman

I agree you need a plan on what behaviors you look over (sighs, eyerolls) and what behaviors you don't (talking back, slamming doors, walking away while being spoken to) and the repercussions so he knows you'll back him if he takes her phone away for talking back. 

Otherwise she will play you and pit you two against each other and you two will be arguing over what to do with her and then the focus is off her and on to step dad.

One way you can explain to your daughter when he disciplines and you back him up is "He isn't your father but he IS an adult, and I expect you to respect ANY adult in this home. This goes for aunts, uncles, neighbors, grandparents... and if you don't there are consequences, regardless of who delivers the message, the expectation stands." Just reinforce respecting adults in her life and figures of authority such as teachers. Then it doesn't be come "he can't because he's not my dad!" and it removes her arguments.

Oh, and, for example, if you are at the grocery store and she mouths off at him, he asks her to hand over her phone (which she does) then runs up to her room to pout, when you come home, the two of you talk about the incident and if it is determined that you guys have made your point, since HE took the phone away, HE gives the phone back to her, NOT YOU. He must remain as an equal authoritarian.

ETA - and if your daughter complains to ex about husband punishing, there isn't anything he can do about it. You can go back to the fact he is an adult in the home, his status as your husband is irrelevant and Dad can enforce rules in his house but not in yours and vice versa.


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## mikealone

It doesn't matter that he is not her biological father. He has to take the full 100% parental role, including discipline. You back him up 100%.

Is he going to be allowed to go on vacation with her, attend school events, attend her birthday party's etc etc etc or is he banned from doing those too?

You wouldn't ask the school principle that if your daughter gets out of line you and only you gets to do the discipline.

Parental alienation is not good for your child. Try looking at it if the situation was the other way around.


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## Malpheous

I've been in this spot. Almost exactly but with a role reversal. 

50/50 time with D17(now). 
Started seeing, regularly, my new wife while D was 12.

Before my new wife(step-mom) and I married, the relationship between her and D12-D15 was one of friendship and an adult. She would discipline the same as I would expect any adult to do. You see her act the fool you call her out on it. She would help with homework, etc. 

After we married it got rocky. Ages 15-now(17). My wife tried to become more of a direct or full on parent. Not sure how to really describe the change. I think it was more about her feeling more comfortable to assert her views, etc.

Here's where that has become a problem. Particularly because of my daughter being older, I believe.

My daughter has a mother. She's not a bad mother. She is the wife that I could no longer live with and the wife that could no longer live with me. We can and do co-parent though. My ex and I raised a child together to the age of 12 on a full-time basis. That child is very much a reflection of our combined thoughts, philosophies, beliefs, teachings, hopes, well... You get it. But that's my ex. MY new wife is not the same person for obvious reasons. So while my new wife and I can easily agree and find middle ground to raise a child together, it's not the same middle ground, not even close, to where D17 is. It's not in any way fair to D17 to try moving her to a new middle ground. Nor is it proper to try writing her mother out of the parenting role.

So this is where we've found our stumbling block.

Had my daughter been 5'ish. Going to her mother's home on an every other weekend schedule. I think it'd be much different. But at some point in age and parenting schedules, there's a profound effect.


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## loveforfamily

mikealone said:


> It doesn't matter that he is not her biological father. He has to take the full 100% parental role, including discipline. You back him up 100%.
> 
> Is he going to be allowed to go on vacation with her, attend school events, attend her birthday party's etc etc etc or is he banned from doing those too?
> 
> You wouldn't ask the school principle that if your daughter gets out of line you and only you gets to do the discipline.
> 
> Parental alienation is not good for your child. Try looking at it if the situation was the other way around.


I hear you, however, I am not sure where the parental alienation is coming from.


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## loveforfamily

Malpheous said:


> I've been in this spot. Almost exactly but with a role reversal.
> 
> 50/50 time with D17(now).
> Started seeing, regularly, my new wife while D was 12.
> 
> Before my new wife(step-mom) and I married, the relationship between her and D12-D15 was one of friendship and an adult. She would discipline the same as I would expect any adult to do. You see her act the fool you call her out on it. She would help with homework, etc.
> 
> After we married it got rocky. Ages 15-now(17). My wife tried to become more of a direct or full on parent. Not sure how to really describe the change. I think it was more about her feeling more comfortable to assert her views, etc.
> 
> Here's where that has become a problem. Particularly because of my daughter being older, I believe.
> 
> My daughter has a mother. She's not a bad mother. She is the wife that I could no longer live with and the wife that could no longer live with me. We can and do co-parent though. My ex and I raised a child together to the age of 12 on a full-time basis. That child is very much a reflection of our combined thoughts, philosophies, beliefs, teachings, hopes, well... You get it. But that's my ex. MY new wife is not the same person for obvious reasons. So while my new wife and I can easily agree and find middle ground to raise a child together, it's not the same middle ground, not even close, to where D17 is. It's not in any way fair to D17 to try moving her to a new middle ground. Nor is it proper to try writing her mother out of the parenting role.
> 
> So this is where we've found our stumbling block.
> 
> Had my daughter been 5'ish. Going to her mother's home on an every other weekend schedule. I think it'd be much different. But at some point in age and parenting schedules, there's a profound effect.


Though the ex is not all roses, I do believe he tries to be a good parent as he can be. You have explained perfectly the dilemma in my mind. I don't want my husband to not be a part. I think he has much to show and teach the oldest that other's cannot. He is like a lost art form to me. Amazing! balancing fears, etc and what should be done and a better perspective is why I asked. We are all working on trust and a healthy communication amongst us. A work in progress and in many ways exciting, just comes with its specific set of worries.


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## mikealone

loveforfamily said:


> I hear you, however, I am not sure where the parental alienation is coming from.


When you asked "I do feel he does not need to have full on rights as her father"

Its like your alienating him from discipline. Say one day she gave him way too much attitude and he says "okay enough go to your room". You are saying you wouldn't like him do that.

Its like asking "should my husband have full rights to being my husband because I have an ex-husband"


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## Malpheous

mikealone said:


> When you asked "I do feel he does not need to have full on rights as her father"
> 
> Its like your alienating him from discipline. Say one day she gave him way too much attitude and he says "okay enough go to your room". You are saying you wouldn't like him do that.
> 
> Its like asking "should my husband have full rights to being my husband because I have an ex-husband"


I think it's more about ensuring that any values or beliefs imparted on the child are in line with what the parents would agree with, as they are the parents. While the step-parent is a parent and has valued/valuable input, at times the parent has to reign a step-parent back in. While my wife is a great and loving parent to my daughter, in the end, my daughter is the responsibility of two people. Her mother and I.

I think most people would commonly agree that if the child acts up, any adult should be able to call them out on it.


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## Microwavelove

I have been exactly where you are and I know it is not easy. I have a 14 year old from my first relationship and my 5-year-old is my husband's first. 12 is a difficult age period, so everything else on top of it just makes it harder.

I don't think that your husband though should be restricted to only disciplining through you. That will cause your daughter to have different levels of respect for the two of you in her mind, and ultimately she needs to respect both adults in the household the same. You also don't want your youngest child to pick up on those differences in treatment between the two of them.

My husband will correct my daughter if she's being rude or disrespectful and will enforce house rules with her i.e. if she's eating in her room which she isn't supposed to do he will tell her to stop. More long term discipline, such as grounding, getting her phone taken away etc., doesn't happen often but usually this is where the two of us would talk about it behind closed doors together instead of just him doling out the discipline.

Also to add, I usually come together with her father on the larger issues (grades etc.) and then fill my husband in on it. But when it's behavior that's happening in our house and against our rules, either of us should feel comfortable calling her on it.


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## mikealone

Malpheous said:


> I think it's more about ensuring that any values or beliefs imparted on the child are in line with what the parents would agree with, as they are the parents. While the step-parent is a parent and has valued/valuable input, at times the parent has to reign a step-parent back in. While my wife is a great and loving parent to my daughter, in the end, my daughter is the responsibility of two people. Her mother and I.
> 
> I think most people would commonly agree that if the child acts up, any adult should be able to call them out on it.


My step daughters parents don't agree on anything. I agree with most of my wife's discipline. (groundings, no horse riding, phone taken away). My wife does not like me to discipline my step daughter, this has caused a lot of friction.

My step daughter disrespectfully threw coat hangers on the hallway stairs, I told her that the next time she deliberately made a mess she would be grounded. She came back with more attitude so I looked at my wife and said are you going to let her talk to me like that. My wife said to my step daughter "don't listen to Mike he is obviously in a bad mood and taking it out on you".


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## loveforfamily

mikealone said:


> My step daughters parents don't agree on anything. I agree with most of my wife's discipline. (groundings, no horse riding, phone taken away). My wife does not like me to discipline my step daughter, this has caused a lot of friction.
> 
> My step daughter disrespectfully threw coat hangers on the hallway stairs, I told her that the next time she deliberately made a mess she would be grounded. She came back with more attitude so I looked at my wife and said are you going to let her talk to me like that. My wife said to my step daughter "don't listen to Mike he is obviously in a bad mood and taking it out on you".


Ouch! Yes, mine tried that once, using attitude, with my husband. She hasn't since. I called her out at that moment and quickly let her know it is not acceptable and she wouldn't do this to another adult and she certainly will not act that way towards her step dad who care for her and busts butt to make the household good for everyone. 


There is so much comfort in hearing from the voices of experience. I want to do this right.


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## loveforfamily

Malpheous said:


> I think it's more about ensuring that any values or beliefs imparted on the child are in line with what the parents would agree with, as they are the parents. While the step-parent is a parent and has valued/valuable input, at times the parent has to reign a step-parent back in. While my wife is a great and loving parent to my daughter, in the end, my daughter is the responsibility of two people. Her mother and I.
> 
> I think most people would commonly agree that if the child acts up, any adult should be able to call them out on it.



Exactly. Better wording than I. Thank you.


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## loveforfamily

Microwavelove said:


> I have been exactly where you are and I know it is not easy. I have a 14 year old from my first relationship and my 5-year-old is my husband's first. 12 is a difficult age period, so everything else on top of it just makes it harder.
> 
> I don't think that your husband though should be restricted to only disciplining through you. That will cause your daughter to have different levels of respect for the two of you in her mind, and ultimately she needs to respect both adults in the household the same. You also don't want your youngest child to pick up on those differences in treatment between the two of them.
> 
> My husband will correct my daughter if she's being rude or disrespectful and will enforce house rules with her i.e. if she's eating in her room which she isn't supposed to do he will tell her to stop. More long term discipline, such as grounding, getting her phone taken away etc., doesn't happen often but usually this is where the two of us would talk about it behind closed doors together instead of just him doling out the discipline.
> 
> Also to add, I usually come together with her father on the larger issues (grades etc.) and then fill my husband in on it. But when it's behavior that's happening in our house and against our rules, either of us should feel comfortable calling her on it.



I like that and that gives opportunity to come and say....because you.... WE have decided. That gives the United front. I also have agreed for us to sit and decide what we do want for our household overall. I don't want one child over the other to feel we have been inconsistent. That is not fair to them. Oh my yes 12 is insane! It's like someone replaced my daughter overnight at times.


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## loveforfamily

mikealone said:


> When you asked "I do feel he does not need to have full on rights as her father"
> 
> Its like your alienating him from discipline. Say one day she gave him way too much attitude and he says "okay enough go to your room". You are saying you wouldn't like him do that.
> 
> Its like asking "should my husband have full rights to being my husband because I have an ex-husband"


Okay, I do see what you are saying and I do not want that. I would like them to have a good and healthy relationship. He has such good values and insight. A lot to teach a person. I think given a chance he can help us guide her to great things.


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## loveforfamily

I feel we have already made some headway. A lot of good from the parenting in this home is coming to the forefront. We are working better and better together yay! A little update and thanks for ALL input. Sometimes we seek advice AND a kick in the pants.


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## mikealone

Great!

There are many great books I recommend: Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall.

and for your daughter, books such as The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens

All available from your local library, or online.


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## papa5280

mikealone said:


> There are many great books I recommend: Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall.


That's funny. I still have that book from my first go-round with a teen girl. And, she's 30 now.


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## Redpill

My girlfriend (of 5 years) has a daughter from a previous man too. I don't mind being her friend, and I'm friendly enough with her but I have no interest in being her parent. She has her biological dad that is involved with her life.

I expect my girlfriend and her daughters father to discipline and take care of their child. My girlfriend goes to work for most of the day, and even though I am at home working online we still send her daughter to daycare because I don't feel it's my responsibility to look after her.

She already has a dad, and it isn't me.


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## papa5280

Redpill said:


> My girlfriend (of 5 years) has a daughter from a previous man too. I don't mind being her friend, and I'm friendly enough with her but I have no interest in being her parent. She has her biological dad that is involved with her life.
> 
> I expect my girlfriend and her daughters father to discipline and take care of their child. My girlfriend goes to work for most of the day, and even though I am at home working online we still send her daughter to daycare because I don't feel it's my responsibility to look after her.
> 
> She already has a dad, and it isn't me.


So, you're never in a situation where you have to set boundaries? Never need to say, "no snacking, dinner's almost ready", or "please turn off the TV"? Not even, "please stop jumping on the couch, it's bothering me"?

All of those are a form of setting a disciplined environment.


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## Deejo

mikealone said:


> When you asked "I do feel he does not need to have full on rights as her father"
> 
> Its like your alienating him from discipline. Say one day she gave him way too much attitude and he says "okay enough go to your room". You are saying you wouldn't like him do that.
> 
> Its like asking "should my husband have full rights to being my husband because I have an ex-husband"


Can we please move away from putting words in the OP's mouth and just maybe respond to the question?

The dude ISN'T her father. Authority figure, someone the child needs to respect and respond to ... sure. Will he be doing parenting duty? Yes. Should he be running his own program on what he thinks is 'right' for this 12 year old?

Hell ... no. 

Not if this marriage is going to have any shot at making it. The success rate for blended families is abysmal. And this is one of the big reasons why.

He should be deferring to, and communicating with his wife about what the boundaries are, and his place in them. If he can't cope with smack talk from a 12 year old, without resorting to a power play, than I wouldn't want him making ANY decision about disciplining a child.

Rules. Make sure EVERYONE is aware of what they are and how they operate.


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## tacoma

If you are not able to accept your support your husband in parenting your child your husband needs to completely disengage from any parenting at all whatsoever.

There is no halfway here.

This has the potential to destroy your marriage.

I am not overstating myself, it can and will destroy you..

Read...

StepTogether - Terms of Use

Edit:

This issue is why I came to TAM years ago.


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## Bobby5000

As a dad, I helped raised three children, two step and thank G-d they are all doing well. Now that they are grown and the older has two children of his own, you get situations like this. 

At 16. What do you mean I can't go. That's ridiculous, every other kid is going, every other parent allows them, fine, call Jack's mom, it's so ridiculous that you don't trust me. Okay fine, go, but leave us a number where we can reach you and call when you get there. 

Now 35 the story comes out something like this. So I'm 16 and I convince my parents to let me go to their party where like all the kids are in college, they're doing like all sorts of stuff and like I can't believe you let me do this. I can tell you I will be a lot tougher with my kids, and we share a beer and laugh. 

1. The tough discipline should usually come through the natural parent though you try to make decisions as a couple. 

2. If anything, you try to bend over backwards to make sure all the kids are treated equally. 

3. You always love your children even when they are doing things wrong. 

4. Trust but verify. 

5. If you have any suspicion your kids is doing any type of drugs, don't leave any money around. 

6. Sports for boys are usually a positive influence and keeps them out of trouble and instills reasonably good values. 

7. Let your kids know they can call you anytime if a problem arises. You want the call at 3 A.M. to come from them before a problem arises. 

8. Don't get married to someone divorced if you don't like their kids. The divorced parent can make accomodations in other areas.


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## Miss Taken

I agree with the others that say you need to have previously agreed upon rules, boundaries and consequences. Your husband should be able to operate within those rules.

Hubby needs to feel like he has some control over what is going on in his own home - thus his life and his marriage. Without that, resentment will build and chip away at his relationship with you and the one he has with your daughter.

When you are not home, your husband SHOULD have the power to enforce rules and boundaries but they should also be ones that you both agree to.

You wouldn't let a babysitter give free reign to your children. They would be entitled to enforce your rules and give consequences (time out, no more tv for the night etc.) in your absence... otherwise good luck keeping things from turning into total bedlam when you and hubs go out on date night. Or finding someone willing to return if they felt they had no power to keep your kids in line.


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