# My Cousins Are Getting Divorced and I Don't Know How to Cope



## sewinggirl30 (Aug 17, 2016)

Hoping someone out there can give me some advice...

My cousin and her husband are getting a divorce after 25 years of marriage. Since I was a baby, I have been the closest with this cousin and her husband, who I've known since they started dating in high school and I was five years old (I am now 34). Growing up, I saw both of them all the time. Along with my parents, we would all go out to the movies, or to dinner, or have games nights. They were there for me my entire life, especially when I lost family members, and her husband always made time to play with me and tease me, like a big brother would his little sister. They also have children who my parents and I have been extremely close with, since the day they were born. For the past 10 years, we haven't been as close with them and would only see them at holidays. Regardless, no one in our family knew anything was wrong.

My parents and I just found out at the end of June from my cousin, that her husband wanted a divorce, which is final in a couple of weeks. We know nothing else. My parents and I are still in a state of shock. While my parents are angry that he has done this to our cousin and his children, I find myself much more grief stricken than angry. I cry almost every day, realizing that I will never get to see my cousin's husband ever again and find the grief extremely overwhelming.

My cousin had a small gathering a few days ago for one of her children's birthday with a few other family members and we were the last to leave. While my parents did not say good bye to my cousin's husband, I gave him a hug and said goodbye (trying not to break down in front of the children), as I knew this was the last time I would see him. I could tell he understood the significance of this moment as well.

I am desperately sad and in an enormous amount of grief and I'm not sure what to do. I have thought about, once the divorce is final, sending him an email just to tell him how much his presence in my life growing up, meant to me, and how much I love him and will miss him. But, I don't know if that's the right thing to do. I truly do not believe that he has changed so much that he doesn't love any of us, his wife's extended family, so I do not believe that I would get any kind of negative response. But, I also don't want my cousin to be upset if I were to send something to her soon to be ex...

If anyone has any advice, I would appreciate any kind of help. Thanks


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Have you talked to your cousin about the situation, something like "I always viewed you two as a big brother and big sister and honestly I'll miss seeing him." and get her reaction.

It might be that the divorce is amicable and she wouldn't mind your staying in touch. But it also may be that he molested his kids and that once "big brother" is now a monster, changing whether you would ever want to associate with him again.


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## sewinggirl30 (Aug 17, 2016)

No no, there's nothing horrible like that going on. I do know for certain that that is not the case whatsoever.

I haven't talked to my cousin yet...she said she did not want this at all, so I was trying to give her some time and space. But maybe it would be a good idea to talk to her.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Talk to her. She'll need your support and encouragement.

It might be cathartic being the support and comfort of someone you look up to.

I'm sorry you are grieving. It sucks being an adult of divorce as much as it sucks being a child of divorce. My parents divorced when I was 19 and it was very much not amicable at all. Last 4 years of their marriage was turbulent and at times violent (on my mother's part).

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


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## sewinggirl30 (Aug 17, 2016)

Thank you...no one ever really talks about what it's like for the extended family. And it feels so much harder since I've known him my entire life.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Just because they are divorcing doesn't mean you have to cut ties with him. He is family.

If the divorce is amicable then I don't see your cousin being upset that you'd like to keep in touch with him. Do be open about it and honest. Don't blindside her (or him for that matter) or hide keeping in touch. Be transparent about it.

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


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## sewinggirl30 (Aug 17, 2016)

I think that's what the biggest struggle is, feeling like I wouldn't be able to consider him family anymore. I don't want to pass him on the street, or see him in the grocery store and have us pretend we don't know each other. That would hurt.

Your suggestions have helped, thank you.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Are you married? If so, what does your husband think?


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## sewinggirl30 (Aug 17, 2016)

No, I'm not married. I've talked to my parents, and they understand that this is hard for me, but they're in a state of shock as well, but they're more angry and disappointed. They don't feel the level of grief that I do, even though they loved him as I did. It's different for me, because I had such a close relationship from the time I was a child and it so positively impacted my growing up.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sorry.

Yes, he directly divorced your cousin. 

And he effectively divorced the rest of the family via the secondary undulating shock-wave. He uprooted the Family Tree.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

What you cannot control should not be made so powerful that it controls you.

They are getting divorced. Wish them well for the future.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Sorry.
> 
> Yes, he directly divorced your cousin.
> 
> And he effectively divorced the rest of the family via the secondary undulating shock-wave. He uprooted the Family Tree.


Am just curious why are you making it sound like he is some big villain.


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

just because they are divorced does not mean you lose the personal connection to him. Both my wife and I have uncles/aunts/cousins by marriages that ended long ago but we are just as close to the former spouse as we are to our blood relatives.

While it may be a shock, don't dwell on it. Just let them both know you are there for them and want to keep in contact.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

imtamnew said:


> SunCMars said:
> 
> 
> > Sorry.
> ...


I'm curious too. Who knows what went on in the relationship and why HE is wanting to divorce!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My opinion is that you should talk to your cousin and see why they are divorcing. If you knew nothing was wrong and the wife doesn't want the divorce, the reasons for him divorcing her should affect how you perceive him. It could be that he met someone else. It could be she was not a good wife and drove him away. You shouldn't pry.
But you could ask: Is there any reason you might be hurt if I still thought of cousin Jethro in a good way? Because I know how painful this must be and if he has not been a good husband to you, I don't want to think of him in a positive way, and want to fully support you any way I can."
If you've never been married, you can't imagine the unbearable pain she is enduring at losing her husband. It very well could be that she would much appreciate a call from you. Try not to ask too many questions, let her do the talking-- if she will. If not, let it lay for a while and maybe you will learn more when she feels able to talk.
But since you were so close to them, it would be good for you to get some closure in this, too. Don't be a gossip or nosy (you don't sound like you are one anyway). Just try to be helpful. I assure you your cousin could use some support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

imtamnew said:


> Am just curious why are you making it sound like he is some big villain.


He is NOT {as far as I/We know}. One cannot make that determination based on the information that OP provided.

It appears that many of his wife's family feel betrayed and resentful. 

Is there a just and reasonable reason for these family members to feel this way?

I do not know. I suspect one of the below:

a) He was at fault, i.e., abusive behavior, cheating, immaturity, poor at finances, drinking, gambling, cannot hold a job.

b) He was a sub-par husband in a failing marriage and did not want to own his behavior, seek MC/IC.

c) He was an average husband, a good husband, a great husband, whatever....and he gave up trying to fix the marriage.

d) The wife spun a story, Gaslighting, making him out to be the bad guy and her family [some] bought into it. Now they shun him.

e) A mixture of all above.

In the end...families side with blood over friendship.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

CantePe said:


> Just because they are divorcing doesn't mean you have to cut ties with him. He is family.
> 
> If the divorce is amicable then I don't see your cousin being upset that you'd like to keep in touch with him. Do be open about it and honest. Don't blindside her (or him for that matter) or hide keeping in touch. Be transparent about it.


Just because someone divorces a family member doesn't mean you cut ties.

I'm in contact with two ex-aunts and an exBIL. As an adult, you chose who you socialize with.

I would reach out to the STBex cousin in law and see how he reacts.


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