# Hubby and 'performance'



## srb82 (Jul 4, 2014)

Background is that we've been together since we were very young, and got married 1.5 years ago (been together for 11 years). Sex was awesome when we were younger. We hit a rough patch the year before getting married, and just stopped having sex. We did the work to resolve the problems we were having, all the way from IC to MC etc. We're in a really great place now... 

We decided we both wanted to get back into it and also wanted to have a baby. H has been saying he finds sex exhausting and really for him 1/wk is good or whatever happens naturally is great, unless it's a fertile period. I think he is LD? 

Well, it's that time where we could get pregnant so we had sex 3 times this week. Then last night... we tried but he couldn't stay erect. Tried again this morning and same thing. This is the first time it's ever happened with us, though I have noticed he is taking longer to get aroused since we started trying. 

He says there is nothing I can do to help, but any pointers from others who have been here?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Are you sure he's not watching porn and self-servicing? How old is he? Is he healthy? 

C


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## srb82 (Jul 4, 2014)

He's 34 and really stressed at work. 

I can't guarantee that he's not self-servicing, but I don't get that sense. I know he really wants a baby too... and was really disappointed when it didn't happen last month. He's been fully engaged in this process. 

Also, he definitely did not between last night and this morning...


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## srb82 (Jul 4, 2014)

Also, thanks so much for responding!  I'm totally confused and worried and (selfishly) discouraged that we won't get preggers


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How about physically healthy? Overweight, etc. A medical checkup, including testosterone in particular, might be in order. 

Stress can also have a significant impact on sexual performance. 

C


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening srb82
is your husband fully committed and happy with the idea of a baby?


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

He may just have a low drive, if that is ok for you, be a good spouse and support him. I imagine that is pretty humiliating and something that no man wants.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Sometimes having sex on schedule in order to have a baby might be too much pressure, not enough pleasure.


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## srb82 (Jul 4, 2014)

He's happy with the idea of trying now, but he's also just a general worry wart. I have asked him a million times whether he's on board and he always says yes and that he's excited. There are moments where he's said he definitely wants this but it's also a bit scary and stressful. I think he really is on board, but I know part of him is worried. It's also a really stressful time for him at work and we're moving, so I'm not sure if his overall stress is a factor... 

In terms of general health, he's okay. He's a bit overweight, but you wouldn't know looking at him.


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## srb82 (Jul 4, 2014)

Observer said:


> He may just have a low drive, if that is ok for you, be a good spouse and support him. I imagine that is pretty humiliating and something that no man wants.


Generally, it is fine by me... I'd not be okay with sexless, but that is fine... with trying to get pregnant, it's hard. We've only just started trying, but the first time we found out we weren't was really sad. So that's I think where pressure from me might be factor... 

I hope Im being supportive and loving. I'm trying to be and genuinely want him to relax about it.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I'd suggest talking to him and taking getting pregnant off the table. Tell him that you feel the additional stress of scheduled sex and getting pregnant isn't helping and that you should postpone the effort to get pregnant and just concentrate on having a satisfying sexual experience.

Don't be surprised if he says he was thinking the same thing.


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## srb82 (Jul 4, 2014)

Chris Taylor said:


> I'd suggest talking to him and taking getting pregnant off the table. Tell him that you feel the additional stress of scheduled sex and getting pregnant isn't helping and that you should postpone the effort to get pregnant and just concentrate on having a satisfying sexual experience.
> 
> Don't be surprised if he says he was thinking the same thing.


We've actually had that conversation... Neither of us want to stop trying to have a baby. We both really want one. Also, it wouldn't be honest of me... I'm not actually just okay with putting that off.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

don't stop trying. just be more casual about it, accept the fact that it sometimes takes month before it happens. take the pressure off.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why not just have unprotected sex, and let a baby happen if it happens? Why try to force things? Have you been trying long? 

C


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## srb82 (Jul 4, 2014)

Given that we weren't really have sex before we started trying, I think we would just slip into not having it again... which means essentially taking it off the table. If we had a great sex life previously, I would totally not have an issue with just being relaxed. When we first started trying, it was also a good way to get over the ackwardness... now the sex is starting to get better, and I think we're both enjoying it more and being more fun with it (excluding the last 12 hours!). 

We haven't been trying long at all (one cycle it didn't work, this is our second)... which also sort of makes it seem preemptive to stop altogether. I think we both also just really really want one... 

I do think perhaps not sharing with H about when I'm fertile etc. would make it feel more natural for him.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Hubby and 'performance'*



srb82 said:


> He's 34 and really stressed at work.
> 
> I can't guarantee that he's not self-servicing, but I don't get that sense. I know he really wants a baby too... and was really disappointed when it didn't happen last month. He's been fully engaged in this process.
> 
> Also, he definitely did not between last night and this morning...


He's stressed at work and there aren't even kids yet. Once baby is born he knows at least subconsciously it's going to be even harder to provide. His paternal instincts are kicking in just as much as your maternal instincts are and he wants you to be happy and the one to father a child with you. But a lot of pressure on top of an already stressed guy can definitely soften things up down there.

I suspect it's all psychological. I would suggest that you take the time to remember that sex is about a lot more than just procreating. Talk about this together and once in awhile try just telling him you are going to please him to completion manually or orally and deliberately "spill the seed" to help remind him that it's about pleasure.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

My DH and I tried to conceive for two and a half years. We ended up needing a round of IVF (I am currently 38 weeks pregnant) and in talking about things after the fact, DH said that he sometimes found it hard to perform when he knew he HAD to - ie when I had stated I was fertile.
He was still able to 'get there', but it did make for a stressful time especially after a long time trying. 
If I were you I would stop telling him when it's the window for timing and just get on with it. I am sure he will figure it out anyway but maybe not saying something about it will take the pressure off him a little bit?


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

The best advice I could give would be to look at a pregnancy as a miracle from God. You don't order those off a menu like fast food. Take the pressure off and work on the two of you as a couple, as it will be your last chance. Acknowledge and savor the beauty and wonder of a child's conception to ready, loving parents.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

The stresses already mentioned and/or trying when he wasn't in the mood can cause an ED.

Trouble is, when that happens once, you still have the stresses that caused it but, MUCH WORSE, now sex becomes all about whether his díck'll work or not.

It's a psychological nightmare for a first timer.

He needs all pressure off. If he's not normally a porn watcher,, tell him it's OK to watch some or otherwise indulge in some DIY when you're out of the way.

Once's he's learned it's not broken he'll soon be back to normal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## srb82 (Jul 4, 2014)

Hi Folks, 

Sorry to resurrect this post... Here's an update and maybe you guys will have some more ideas for me. 

So, I took the advice and we decided to stop actively trying and just rebuild the intimacy. It was great, but we didn't actually have sex (it ended up being everything but...)Repeatedly, he says he wants to try, but he also said that he felt like rebuilding a sex life was not a quick fix and that he felt that he is still only able to think about work (all day, everyday-- he's stressed and exhausted...). In short, we decided that we needed to just do it... well again, as soon as it becomes about actual sex, he's unable to perform. Literally, the lead up is great (manual and oral) and then .... nothing. I just don't get it. 

I just don't know what to do and feel really inept both in the male psyche and in the bedroom! Help... tips... advice... All appreciated.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Back it off to once or twice a week, you keep track of fertility and make that one of the twice a week weeks. Do that for a year and see what happens...


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## srb82 (Jul 4, 2014)

Honestly we aren't having sex at all so once or twice a week would be fantastic- I wouldn't be here at all if that were the case! Right now it's no sex. We were fooling around (no sex) 1-2/week though it was inconsistent...but now that we try to take that to sex and he goes soft. Obviously it'spsychological since fooling around was physically fine. He says he's just totally absorbed and stressed about work. In his defence he does work from about 5am-10pm daily/7 days a week. I just don't know what to do. Aside from getting pregnant it's just so abnormal.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Have his MD give him some samples of the little blue pill ~ that should more than revive him for the appropriate moment!*


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

5:00 am _ 10:00 pm every day 7 days a week! Great Ceasars ghost!

That could easily be the problem by itself. Got to find a way to cut that back


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## srb82 (Jul 4, 2014)

I know- it's insane and I couldnt work that hard. I am proud of him and we have such a loving relationship so it's not a lack of love.

The hours will improve a lot in about 2-3 months. What can I do in the meantime?

He's not into the blue pill idea... He was offended! I did give him red ginseng which is supposed to be the natural alternative. It's only been two days but I'm hoping it helps


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I can tell you right now his work schedule is the problem.

Nothing much is going to change until that does


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

Please do NOT get pregnant right now! In fact, I would strongly urge you to use birth control until you are able to build some sustainable and mutually satisfying intimacy with your husband. Based on what you've said thus far, he sounds low desire while you sound normal desire. His low desire might be situational (long work hours) or it might not be. There are thousands of posts on this forum which support the following facts which you should be aware of:

1) sexual incompatibility can cause resentment and will end an otherwise decent marriage
2) a new baby usually results in far less sex, sometimes it never comes back
3) your options are greatly reduced once the baby arrives

Sorry to be so blunt, he sounds like a decent/nice guy. But I do suggest you (perhaps even quietly) take pregnancy off the table until some basic issues are worked out. Is he really the one and only sexual partner for the rest of your life? I hope so. Work on that! Then start making babies.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

stress does bad things do testosterone levels he needs to have blood work done


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

The guy needs at least 1 day off a week, that schedule is absolutely insane and must stop if you want to have any hope...


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Wait and see how things change in 2-3 months when his schedule allows rest and relief. I think that's all you can do for now.

Please tell us 4-5 months from now and tell us if things are better.


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## srb82 (Jul 4, 2014)

For the men here, would this schedule reduce your interest in sex or reduce your physical ability to perform? 

I agree with the work schedule being a problem but there is nothing I can do about that and nothing my H can do either. 

I'm not at all worried about our marriage or having a baby. TBH I don't even think we have different drives or Vastly differnt at least. It's just been a series of weird situations and getting back to "our normal" has been challenging. At least now we both want to.... The stress seems to be getting in the way of his good intentions. I'm just not sure how to help


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

srb82 said:


> For the men here, would this schedule reduce your interest in sex or reduce your physical ability to perform?


That work schedule would reduce my interest in living never mind sex..I've done it in the past. 

There is nothing left in the tank, NOTHING. TBH, I think you're lucky to be getting sex at all.

What is he doing that requires 17hrs/day?


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Either of the ED pills available will help him get past the stress aspect. Just one time & he will get his confidence back. Sometimes losing the mojo once will keep becoming a self fulfilling prophecy if he worries about it.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

srb82 said:


> For the men here, would this schedule reduce your interest in sex or reduce your physical ability to perform?


YES, 5am to 10pm leaves 7 hours for wind down-sleep-wake up and get ready for the next day. What is he getting, 5 hours of sleep? He is basically getting continuously ground down and it is 7 days a week so there isn't even at least one day to catch back up.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

srb82 said:


> For the men here, would this schedule reduce your interest in sex or reduce your physical ability to perform?


I've worked like that, never for more than a few months at a time and it saps your strength both physically and mentally.

The stress is the part that keeps you from relaxing enough to perform.

However I'm thinking your problem might go beyond that because you say he's ready to go during foreplay but loses it when actual sex begins.

That leads me to believe the problem is mental.


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