# Cheating with no restraint



## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Why do so many instances of cheating occur with no physical restraint at all? I do understand that many marriages go through some times when cheating is a big temptation and that sometimes people, when at a point of weakness, fall into this temptation. But it seems that very often when people cheat they fall into it 100% with absolutely no restraint from the fact that they are in love with their husband or wife. They might even do more things than they do with their husband. And these are times when it is later described as a 'mistake' and the original relationship, while perhaps strained, there is still a lot of love. So if you are still in love and you are going to cheat, why can't you show at least some restraint? Save something for the one you love. There are many opportunities to make the 'mistake' (however ghastly) less serious. To at least make a gesture that acknowledges the one you love. To make it less intimate with the one you are cheating with?

For example,

If you let the temptation of a good looking man saying all of the right things overcome you, you can stop at kissing once you realize you are falling into something that is a 'mistake'. If he touches you, you can make sure it doesn't go any further. If you are at the point of having sex, you can stop him before you take it all the way. If you are going to have sex, can't you at least make him wear a condom? If you are having unprotected sex, can't you at least stop him before he 'finishes' inside you? I think you get the idea.

Can anyone relate to this? Why does cheating seemingly very often go all the way to the extreme. Wouldn't non-cheaters who are making a 'mistake' for the first time just fall into the excitement of it but have the sense to at least minimize the intimacy in some way?

What is your experience with this, either as a cheater or betrayed one?


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## mswren7 (May 8, 2011)

My husband has said that he cheated because he was weak.

I guess it was hard for him to resist the temptation when the women he was chatting to made it easy for him. First OW paid for their motel room. Second OW gave him her home address while her husband was away so that made it easy for him too.

I always ask myself why he didnt turn back and go to work that morning he screwed the second OW. He left home at 6:30am and drove for almost an hour to get to her. Surely during that long drive he could have had plenty of time to turn around or even think about what he was about to do. I figure it was more important to him not to let the other woman down, but it didnt matter that he let his wife down. She was just too much of a temptation to disappoint, and besides she was virtually begging it from him. Well, he obviously wasnt disappointed with the experience as he has told me it was "fun". A real kick in the guts for me.

On the subject of condoms, he said he used one both times. Not that he supplied them, apparently the ow supplied them. I asked him what he wouldv'e done if they didnt have one, you guessed it, would've done it without. 

He I think minimized it only by apparently only doing it once with both of these women, possibly so they didnt get too attached. Even though the second ow was very keen to do it with him again. She told him every Friday morning should start like that. Sickening. 

.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

As a cheater in an EA I'll say that I don't think I would have ever gone to a PA, but then again I never thought I'd do what I did. My EA started completely on-line, and never progressed past phone calls - never saw each other face to face. Why, because the OW lived 100 miles away when it started and three weeks into it moved 500 miles away. I really don't think I would have ever put myself in a position of making if physical because the boundaries are so clear. BUT, I thank god every day that my AP was physically far enough away to keep me from doing something even more stupid than I did.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

People cheat for the same reason they do everything else: because they want to.

Everyone has a moment where they can stop, and if someone cheats, they didn't want it to stop.

They may live to regret it forever, but in that moment, they chose not to stop.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Too many figure "in for a penny, in for a pound" when they cheat.

Some figure they won't get caught (they do).

Others figure that as long as they've screwed up anyway once they started cheating, that they'll keep doing it until discovered.

Still others keep at it even post discovery because they find their spouse still can't stop em. Too entitled.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Jeez RWB, I really sympathise


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

RWB said:


> from michzz "Too many figure "in for a penny, in for a pound" when they cheat.
> Some figure they won't get caught (they do).
> Others figure that as long as they've screwed up anyway once they started cheating, that they'll keep doing it"
> 
> This was exactly my wife when I finally caught her after 6 years of multiple affairs. She admitted that no condoms or birth control were ever used of even considered. I asked her if she ever thought about the health risk to me. She didn't care or even consider me. While she says she was ashamed after first cheating, it was too much thrill and excitement and she could not refuse the attention (addicted). All this after 25 years of marriage.


Sadly, my experience echoes yours. Hence my list.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I say that depends. A woman I've (known) for 15+ years cheated on her husband repeatedly over and over for years. And while her hub was no prize he was a great dad, stable, great earner. Her paramours were all trolls and losers. I mean flat out no job ugly unkempt weirdos who were always hitting her up for money. I think she used her power over them to force them into sex on demand. Complete roll-reversal. At least that's the least pathological explanation I can come up with. 

Because remember, when couples fight, it's never about what they're fighting about. And when they fight about sex it's never about sex. Hell, when they HAVE sex it's never about sex either. It's about fear, dominance, power, control, and all that Greek drama ****.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

For us it was the dominance, my cheating wife would not allow her self to be treated like I treated her.
The OM couldn't slap her but, pull her hair or have rough sex in any way. She go enough of that from me.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

So an alternative persepctive from me: 

Although I obviously cannot know it's really the full truth, my cheating wife never let it go beyond kissing and touching up top (once) -- never more than that, for as she put it 'that was for me' (cough cough)... what's sort of funny is that him pressing her for more physical intimacy is what ultimately caused the A to fizzle even before I found out about it. She'd have happily gone on and on with just the ego-feeding attention and plenty of kissing...

Does this make her cheating mean any less or hurt any less? Perhaps, yes a little bit. Does it mean R is in my future? I don't know. Had she slept with him, I would not be sitting here 37 days later trying to figure out of R is possible. But does it make it forgiveable? I don't think so. *sigh*


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

I remember I took a Philosophy class in college and we were talking about CHOICE. The chapter was on ethics and morality. My Prof. gave an example about appetites- He told us to picture a glass of water that was filled with toxins that would kill us. He also told us that we were desperately thirsty. Now do we choose to drink... knowing the damage it would inflict, possibly even death, or walk on to find another source of pure water. The lesson is- If we can't control our appetites we are DOOMED!


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## whammy (Apr 22, 2011)

i get exactly what you are saying and I totally agree. Like the fact the I have kissed you after you swallowed his c*m... or the fact the I make love to you at night when he came inside you during your lunch break... like dont you have enough value and respect for me and our relationship that you dont completely humiliate and cuckold me? Like is it too much to ask that you dont take, the guy your f*cking behind my back to OUR favorite restaurant or let him drive OUR car... i totally get it and it makes the cheating MUCH more hurtful

I remember a thread... dont know if it was here or loveshack but a women described, that during her affair, she put furniture. that OM made her, in her marital home and took OM on vacations (she covered with business trips) with her husbands money. I was like wow, that makes it atleast twice as bad. She now realizes that it was totally evil


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## Ronin (Mar 18, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> People cheat for the same reason they do everything else: because they want to.
> 
> Everyone has a moment where they can stop, and if someone cheats, they didn't want it to stop.
> 
> They may live to regret it forever, but in that moment, they chose not to stop.


Posts like this are the reason I read everything you write.

Ronin


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

The accounts of women cheating that I have read on this forum has opened my eyes to a completely different reallity. My father cheated on my mother throughout their marriage and my whole childhood was taken up with her pain. I have never known personally a woman who cheated, only men. I held a very negative view of the capacity of men to love and be faithful based on my experience. I recently posted a about my experiences. 

Reading of what these women did astounds me, women are as heartless as men. I hate that men and women have experienced this pain but I am glad that I was wrong about men. Reading of these personal and painful experiences has changed me for the better. 

It stuns me that I never considered that these men were cheating with women who were also cheats. 

RWB does your wife love you? Are you still together? How did you recover? My mother never recoved after my fathers death. Some of my father divorced ftiends tried to date her; she wanted nothing to do with men ever again she said. I just can not understand how someone can do those things knowing the pain they bring to their spouse. I don't think I could.

Are people who cheat different, are they more selfish than people who are faithful, do they have character defects, do they have poor control over themselves. Can you tell who is more likely to cheat by the way they approach life in general?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

That's because you have a soul, a conscience, Catherine. Not everyone does.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Regarding choice, often times it is the lesser of two evils. In my WW's case, it was either let someone else into her heart, or divorce me. That's really where she was at. 

She was sick and tired of communicating her needs to me and me not meeting them. She really did fight hard for me before her EA. She felt she was out of options, so she let her long time single male friend fill the void rather than get a lawyer. Lesser of two evils for her. And I think to myself, what would be better, finding out about her EA and dealing with that, or divorcing? Tough call, right? We have 3 kids, 11 to 14 years old. 

I've decided that the D would have been worse than this. At least my kids didn't have to experience pain, just me. And now that I already have the EA to deal with, as long as my WW keeps the NC and heavy-lifts with me, why suffer BOTH evils of the EA and the D?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

At least D would've been honest. That's the only reason.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

D would have been honest, yes. In that sense it would be better, and it's more moral. But is it the better result? To some it is. To me, AS LONG AS SHE HEAVY LIFTS AND DOESN'T BREAK THE NC, I would rather this be the result than a D.

Now, if it was also a PA, forget it. I would be done. I've said it before, we can still have sex without me thinking about all those things a previous poster said. If I had to deal with that AND the EA, it would be too much to save.

Brings up another topic (sorry to hijack) - but a one-night drunken stand might also be forgivable. Something that meant absolutely nothing, could barely be remembered, etc. That is the one way i MIGHT forgive a PA. But not one that developed from an EA. No friggin' way.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

It's gotta work for you, and only for you; it's all that matters. "Better" is like beauty, all in the eyes of the beholder.

Cheers to that! ...no debate from me.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Gab it sounds like you blame yourself too much. My husband and I had problems for 4 yrs. He did not meet my emotional needs but I did not meet his either. It started inadvertently when I lavished attention on my kids and forgot him. I did not have an affair and niether did he to my knowledge. Since were both responsible for the problems cheating would not have been excusable. 

. I am not saying you should not forgive your wife but I think you should not give her the sense that turning to an outside party is an appropriate response, lest she do it again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

michzz said:


> Too many figure "in for a penny, in for a pound" when they cheat.
> 
> Some figure they won't get caught (they do).
> 
> ...


Perhaps it is the 'in for a penny, in for a pound' kind of thing for some people. But I'm still surprised at the number of first time PA cheaters that jump right in to the most intimate of activities right away, even with someone they just met. I guess my thinking on this is that I would expect a non-serial cheater to register some level of 'this is so wrong' in their heads and make some (even if small) gesture to reduce the intimacy (condom, stopping before penetration, pulling out etc). From my observation when this is the case, I think that many women (perhaps men but I don't know) use verbal backpedalling in an attempt to acknowledge that they are in a relationship (e.g. "I shouldn't be doing this". "I can't do this". etc). But there often seems to be no physical restraint on the encounter.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Couple, in my experience too, I saw enough detailed evidence that my wife totally give into that lust or whatever it was - she never gave herself that easily to me, I've never really been the jealous type, but those feelings were among the most intense... and still so hard to take.

As to the condoms, that was a dead giveaway to me when we had sex the first time (like a week and a half) after her first PA she really wanted me to wear one, and that she was so tense basically confirmed it for me right then and there in the middle of our very last ever act of lovemaking. And so of course there were no fireworks between us that night, which annoyingly I can tell she has let further validate her decision that she can never be happy with me.

She says she used protection, but I don't really believe her, she even went to the clinic to get STD tests, as far as she's told me they were negative but I really know so little about her life any more she hasn't ever confided in me about anything for quite a while.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Will we BS ever really understand? I doubt it...


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