# How do you move on ??



## snowday (Jun 24, 2011)

Husband spent many years lying and "abusing" porn. He started attending meetings (12 step) when I totally lost it because of the lies (he'd tell me he used porn when we weren't intimate enough yet I found evidence of that not being true.) 

All the years that things were going downhill, I was trying to get things back on track. He lacked follow through and the minute things settled down between us, he slipped back to not really working at the relationship.

Long story short, now we are in marriage counseling...but apparently i'm holding onto resentment and well who knows. I get the idea from MC that much like husband she's a sweep it under the rug and move forward type person. 

I'm not that type of person and I feel like you iron out issues and move on (probably pretty cautiously.) He's apologized, but really it's behavior changes that I feel show sincerity. He made some in the beginning, but he's right back to the lack of follow through...currently there was a discussion at MC where she thinks 12step is full of negative people and he's not attending (when before they were important?)

So today they threw it all on me....he's trying and I apparently she chose to believe everything he said about him trying, meanwhile I made mention that he's constantly saying he's trying and I am not (he specifically tells me he is/i'm not) and she didn't see that as blame...she thinks I guess that he has a point. 

So how do you put to rest the feelings you have about someone who is supposed to love you lying to you, not being there for you, etc. In general he hasn't been a very good husband. And yeah I know, maybe I should hang it up, but either way I need to move past what he's done for myself.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

> _bit·ter·ness noun /ˈbitərnis/
> 
> 1. lack of sweetness
> 
> 2. Anger and disappointment at being treated unfairly; resentment_


You move on by simply letting go of the above - the bitterness, the resentment - by choosing to cultivate a 'sweetness' of spirit by doing the following:

1 Go to your counseling with an open mind. Expect to hear things that you may not like or may not agree with.



> "_Any party which takes credit for the rain must not be surprised if its opponents blame it for the drought_." ~Dwight Morrow


2 Ponder on the things that you hear.

3 Take responsibility for the issues that you are responsible for. Resolve to work to fix those things to the best of your ability.

4 Hold your spouse accountable for items 1 - 3 for the part that they played.

In otherwords, if you are working to repair your marriage, you will need to acknowledge and accept your part in the issues, as will your partner.

If you can acknowledge to yourself that you are indeed doing this to the best of your ability and with a humility and sweetness of spirt, you will know if it is worth your time to stay with someone who is unwilling to do likewise and you will be a stronger person in character for it.

Best wishes.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I'm trying to understand ...

So is he still lying and using pornography? Or, you feel that he is not doing 'enough' to make it up to you?

Have a friend that was in circumstances similar to what you describe. Right down to feeling that the counselor was holding her far more accountable than him. 

Bottom line, he wasn't telling whole truths in counseling. Her position was that he had an addiction. He neither could, nor would, stop, even at risk to his marriage. Neither he, nor the counselor held that view. 

She had stated her boundary, and he repeatedly broke it. She left him.

So? Do yo believe he has an addiction? Do you believe that he will ever stop using porn and prioritize your marriage? If not, your choice is very clear.


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## snowday (Jun 24, 2011)

Deejo said:


> I'm trying to understand ...
> 
> So is he still lying and using pornography? Or, you feel that he is not doing 'enough' to make it up to you?
> 
> ...


He (husband) believed it to be an addiction, was attending meetings, etc. It was a huge issue in our life...so long story short the counselor doesn't believe in porn being an addiction and now hubby is not attending meetings. Is he looking at porn again, not to my knowledge, but I almost never caught it before so it's not impossible.

And back to your first question, I guess in a sense I don't feel like he's doing enough to make it up. By that I mean I expected that we (family) were going to become a priority, not that he needed to do something to make it up to me. I expected honesty, I expected him to be there for me. 

Month or so ago I had car trouble, called him to meet me and he didn't leave when I thought he would, lied and made up crap and then acted insulted because I got another ride (he hadn't left and was 30 minutes away.) 

Counselor knows what went on with that incident, said at the time he didn't put his family first. I guess I thought we were supposed to work out disagreements and come to a conclusion? We've had these same type arguments forever...I expect him to be there for me, he lets me down and finds that fine. So I don't get how you resolve it with the sweep it under the carpet method?!!

For a while things were better and then the car incident happened and it brings things up again (how easily he lies, how I feel unimportant, etc.) I know I need to deal with it but I just don't know how you move through that.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Which is what makes things rough.

The obvious reality, at least to me?

YOU are going to decide how this thing moves forward ... or doesn't. It won't be him.

And for the very reason that he neither sees, nor feels compelled to step up and deliver, or at least be accountable for his contribution to the deterioration of trust, security, and respect ... then you simply cannot move through, or past it.

Are you prepared to leave him?


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## snowday (Jun 24, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Which is what makes things rough.
> 
> The obvious reality, at least to me?
> 
> ...


Plain and simple, i'm not prepared to leave at this point. 

I know I need to not rely on him and I haven't in the past....but the MC told us we were to make each other a priority so I put it out there that I needed him and he didn't come through (in the way I needed.) 

I guess i'm really just stunned today that the MC made it out to be that i'm the problem because i'm not moving on....Husband is "trying" and i'm not. And I suppose she's right because they are just shoving things under the carpet and continuing and i'm not good at that.

Ugh, I just wish I could figure out how to forgive/forget it and start fresh with no expectation....


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Much like Enchantment said, focus on the good. Foster it. Surely he does something to meet your needs?

Pay attention to those things instead of focusing on past hurts, with the expectation that he is going to disappoint you in the future.


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## snowday (Jun 24, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Much like Enchantment said, focus on the good. Foster it. Surely he does something to meet your needs?
> 
> Pay attention to those things instead of focusing on past hurts, with the expectation that he is going to disappoint you in the future.


OK so more positive attitude works in general anyway so i'm going to work at that! 

But I have a question....how to handle his negativity? So tonight I said I was being more positive, clarified an issue - just making sure that he was fine with something still, then said I was keeping in my business, letting things go and being positive. 

Now mind you yesterday MC thought I needed some time to deal with things on my part due to what has gone on in the marriage and he agreed to give me space (at her request.) So immediately upon me calling a truce he starts in about affection, etc. and why i'm not wanting affection, etc. I reminded him about me getting some time to work through things and he just brought up something else. I reminded that we should concentrate on our own things not each others. 

Honestly I know he engages me and we've been trapped in this cycle. I try hard not to engage and trust me i'm really going to work at being positive and not engaging. But what is the best approach to him being negative, blaming, pushing his agenda, trying to engage me in crap.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You already know where that dynamic leads.

This is the essence of determining if you have a partner you can work with.

If he can't let go, can't move on, can't get out of his own way, can't accept that you are trying, and can't work towards supporting something positive rather than wanting to focus on what you have done wrong ... then it won't work. It can't work.

The best way to address or deal with his negativity is to utterly and completely dismiss it. Don't acknowledge it. Don't discuss it.

If he wants to bring up how you have hurt his feelings in the past and didn't show him affection?
"I'm sorry you felt hurt. I'd like to move on and make things better. What would you like?"

Basically any engagement you do, should not be about focusing on your ownership ... it should be focusing on his. Acknowledge and move forward, with simply a smile, a tender gesture, a kiss. Don't make the focus you. Reject that. Make the focus him ... what he wants, what he thinks you want, and how you get there together.

You can't change him ... but without a doubt you can influence how the dynamic plays out.


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## brokenhartedkid1 (Sep 29, 2011)

Pornography addiction is a problem.....

The truth is that a lot of men in america view pornography. Me bieng male i know i do. I have been fortunet enough to be in relationships where the women dont mind, and a few have even partaken with me. I wouldn't call my self an addict, as when i am in a relationship i tend to not use it all. But the problem is he is using pornography as substitute for intimacy. And weather we like it or not intimacy . 

There are plenty of men that do worse things. Can you imagine if her were partaking of stripper. Or Hookers. In a weird way you should count your blessings, as he really isn't damaging your relationship in such a severe way as the men who view stripper or use hookers. That would be destructive to any relationship. 

Addiction is a hard thing to beat. And he has an addiction to the fantasy that is presented by pornography. To him since its fantasy it really doesn't hurt you. But it does hurt you, because you ask your self weather your not good enough for him. I have heard some situations where men prefer to masturbate to pornography instead of having actual sex with their wives. I hope this is not the case with you. 

I am sure by now he is probably tiered of knowing that he is the bad guy in all this, and i am sure that it doesnt help when you argue about it. He really needs counseling. Because the definition of addiction means he wont be able to do it alone. ...

Hang in there. Try to understand that its an addiction. And addictions are not choices. He is not choosing to hurt you, he just cant stop him self.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

If there is bitterness and resentment in your marriage (and it sounds like it’s there in both of you) it does need to be cleaned up. Otherwise it is like a malignant cancer sitting between the two of you and it will bring your marriage down.

But to rid resentment from a marriage is complex: 1) You both need to know exactly what you are resentful about. And in that you need to make lists. 2) You both need to know how to apologise effectively. 3) You both need to know how to accept an apology. 4)You both need to know how to ask for forgiveness. 4) You both need to know how to give forgiveness. 5) You both need to know how to accept forgiveness. 6) And probably most important of all you both need to make yourselves very vulnerable, to take those boundaries down that you’ve built up over the years without even knowing it.

I really do think the process of cleansing bitterness and resentment from a marriage takes a coach to help out, to show you the way and lead you both for a bit until you learn for yourselves. I imagine the process to be a tear filled one where the tears are releasing all the bitterness and resentment, the passive anger and strong dislike that’s been allowed to build up over the years. And afterwards I imagine there to be a terrific of sense of relief and of inner peace and calm. And then I think that the love that is still there comes rushing in and fills the voids that are there because bitterness and resentment is no more.



Once you’ve cleansed your marriage of its bitterness and resentment and you’ve let love back in, then you can “move on”.


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