# He said let's get married. Now what?



## Believe in the Best (Sep 30, 2014)

Some background:
Friends for 8 years
He was divorced 4 years ago
Dated 3 years of which last year was long distance
Proposed to me middle of this year
After two months backed out and only wanted to be friends
Don't know if it was cold feet or what
Both in our 30s
Had continued video chatting daily after breaking marriage off
I talked because I didn't want him not in my life yet didn't feel like dealing with whatever just happened. We'd been going in circles for a while. Just wanted to enjoy each other's company again.
Prior to enjoying each other's company again, we did say we love each other more than friends. Then we just left it at that and continued being there for each other like before

Now:
Recently had the realization that I won't be able to have the life I want if I keep ignoring reality. Told him I know I want to be in a loving relationship, married, and build my life together with someone in context of marriage. I realize that's not what he wants (as he recently told me before my realization) and respect it. I also know I will not be able to cultivate such a relationship with anyone else if I keep in touch with him because of my feelings for him. It would be unfair to whoever I see after him if I continue maintaining my bond with him.

I asked him to please respect my decision to take care of my life.

This ended up with him saying if the only way to keep me in his life is to get married "let's do it".

I didn't tell him all this as an ultimatum. I don't think either of us would be happy in what feels like a forced marriage.

He seems adamant. I feel like I inadvertently triggered something. Regardless of everything, it would be nice to be able to undo whatever I triggered. I do need to look at my own life. I just don't want to hurt him in the process.

Any advice, interpretation or comment would be appreciated. 

Thanks!


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## Believe in the Best (Sep 30, 2014)

After trying to further explain that what I said wasn't meant to be an ultimatum or manipulate him into wanting to get married.

He said no, we're going to get married. You figure out the details.

On further attempting to get on the same page, he ended up saying everything can't be your way.

I feel like I've made him feel powerless and possibly disrespected by making my decision and upping and going. He means the world to me. How do I mend the feelings I've accidentally induced?


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## Vanille (Dec 13, 2014)

Don't marry him. He doesn't want to be married it seems. I don't know if this is because he had a past divorce or because your relationship seems undefined. Probably both. Don't accept a marriage proposal because it will "keep you around". Accept a marriage proposal because he's in love with you and knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Realize that you deserve better than this. If your relationship is this uncertain now it will not improve with a ring.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Vanille said:


> Don't marry him. He doesn't want to be married it seems. I don't know if this is because he had a past divorce or because your relationship seems undefined. Probably both. Don't accept a marriage proposal because it will "keep you around". Accept a marriage proposal because he's in love with you and knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Realize that you deserve better than this. If your relationship is this uncertain now it will not improve with a ring.



This 1000%


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## Believe in the Best (Sep 30, 2014)

Vanille said:


> Don't marry him. He doesn't want to be married it seems. I don't know if this is because he had a past divorce or because your relationship seems undefined. Probably both. Don't accept a marriage proposal because it will "keep you around". Accept a marriage proposal because he's in love with you and knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Realize that you deserve better than this. If your relationship is this uncertain now it will not improve with a ring.


I completely agree with you! Every line you said.

I'm not marrying him under the current circumstances.

I'm just confused on how to re-open communication.

It feels like it's a modified version of shutting down. It's just he seems to think he's giving me what I want and feels like he doesn't have a say in things.

Any advice on how to open up communication?


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

As far as trying to open up the communication....you could start off using a lot of "I" statements so that you don't sound accusatory. You could start off saying something like this:



> Honey, I am a firm believer in openness & honesty in a relationship. I would like to discuss with you some feelings of confusion that I am experiencing. I figure if I run these feelings by you, I can get a better understanding of where our relationship is heading.


Then, you can lead into what you want to say but still using lots of "I" statements.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You are in your 30s. He is a divorced man. He proposed to you in the middle of this year and then backed out. You told him that you want a lasting marriage and he will be out of your life when you find someone. He says to you that if marriage is the only way that he can stay in your life, "let's get married".

Don't marry him. You deserve a long lasting relationship in a marriage. He has kept you waiting way too long in the sidelines. You need to cut him out of your life and move on. Any serious relationship or marriage cannot sustain a third party. You deserve love and greater future with a man, not this man. He doesn't love you the way a man should as a husband. All the best to you.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

What is your relationship now? Do you date? Are you mutually exclusive? Is it FWB? What is your current status? If you ask him where this is going what is his response? A little more info please.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

From a male in his 30's about to be divorced, I would advise you to be cautious too. Sorry, this will be depressing. 

There is a common perception that divorce is the man's fault (or "not his fault, but he was not aware of the proper way to do it"), however, it is rarely so straight forward. It is easy to fall into the trap of getting an aversion to women and only trusting women you already know. 

He wants to get married. However, there are not nearly as many decent women around as women think and he is not going to find one new. Therefore, he is willing to go all in on a woman he is fairly certain is decent. 

It is not the marriage you want, is it? 

Of course, I could be completely wrong about him.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Men avoid marriage by instinct. The selfish gene tells us to spread our seed with as many women as possible.

Marriage is a social convention that plays on the desire for stability, but to what purpose?

You want children. Do you want his children? 

You don't have a lot of time from a biological point of view. Ask him if sees himself as a happy father. If he does he shouldn't just ask you to arrange a wedding. You should discuss a ceremony that will give meaning to your family.

It's not even necessary to spend huge amounts of money. Have barbecue and a local band in a backyard.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"He said no, we're going to get married. You figure out the details.

On further attempting to get on the same page, he ended up saying everything can't be your way."

WTH? He had his way when he backed out of his proposal. You certainly can have your way in who you choose to marry.

Why do you need to open communication? He's issued an edict and you don't have to respond - you're not his subject. No need to keep him around as a friend as that will only keep complicating your moving on with your life. You've stated your case, now let it rest.

And, remember, he didn't mind hurting you, did he?


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

If you marry him, do not be surprised if after words he resents you for "making" you marry him. 

This is a bad idea. You should move on. He is not ready for a relationship, let alone marriage. You really should have cut things off when he decided to CHANGE HIS MIND ABOUT MARRYING YOU. Why would you owe ANYONE the time of day who did that? Answer: You wouldn't, and you don't. This relationship is unhealthy and you will not end up happy.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He probably wanted to stay in contact in case he decided to change his mind again and marry you at some point. You forced his hand by telling him you were moving on. If you marry him, he may very likely feel resentment eventually because he wasn't ready and all of this could become your fault in his mind. 

Keep looking.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I would be in the same camp as many and say don't get married to this guy. Marriage should be because you have an overwhelming desire to unite your life with another person, the decision should never be based on guilt or pressure, which sounds like why he asked you.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I would drop him like a hot potato. Why would you care about the feelings of a guy who would treat you that way?


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

jld said:


> I would drop him like a hot potato. Why would you care about the feelings of a guy who would treat you that way?


That's right. You owe him nothing. He has not shown in any way that he would be a good husband to you. This will be your first marriage right? Be patient and wait for someone who adores you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. That's one of the main reasons there's so many divorces is because people get anxious and ignore red flags. 

Daag I lost my train of thought but anyway nobody's perfect but this guy seems to not be marriage material. Please move on.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

You don't realize it, but what you're doing is trying to figure him out. He did this to you on purpose so you'd be confused. Marry him, and a constant state of total confusion will be your life. He will blame you for everything. He will create problems, confusion, drama, arguments, and then blame you for all of it, while you'll be confused, torn, crying, and pulling your hair out trying to make sense of it all. This is the typical narcissists MO, and you're falling for it. Google relationship with a narcissist, and you will see what your future life of hell and misery will be. Normally, women ignore these signs. Normally, they even ignore the warnings. You are hereby warned. Don't be so desperate for a relationship and marriage that you ignore what I and everyone else here are telling you.


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## Believe in the Best (Sep 30, 2014)

Thank you to everyone for replying. All of your replies helped reiterate getting married was not right for us. And brought various points to light that I'd not necessarily realized.

I've ended things. I wasn't exactly in the right frame of mind and that's how I disappeared from TAM for a bit. Thank you again for helping me consider things. It really means a lot to have advice, input, and learn from the experiences of those who have been through similar or know someone who has. I'm sure you all know it's not always easy to figure things out when our head isn't clear. Thank you for taking out time when I really needed to know what you all had to say.


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