# An Ethical Morass



## Ascending_Soul

I Love My Husband, And I Despair of him. 

In my previous marriage I gave birth to two sons, both with multiple impairments, including autism and retinitis pigmentosa. 
I moved to this rural community with them and started over. They are now grown and out of the house. 
Two years after moving here, I met a friend's nephew. He was Superman. Worked hard, Played hard. Would leap tall buildings with a single bound to help me. Drank hard. I had never spent any time around anyone who really drank. I kept Liquor in my house, but a bottle might well last for years. 
We dated and then lived together for a couple of years, broke up, mostly over his drinking. I was devastated, No one had ever been so good, or so horrible to me. We separated for a year, got back together for a year, separated again. After seven months he asked to come home, promising to "keep his s**t in one sock, be faithful, and get a real job". He did. Toned the drinking way down, got a payroll job building for a property management company. After a few months, asked me to marry him. That was July. We set a wedding date for December. In October, he fell from a Balcony that he was building, 17 feet straight down onto his head. He spent a month in ICU, most of it on a vent. After a month he came home in a halo with a Traumatic Brain Injury, Cervical spine fractures, a crushed sternum, 6 ribs broken at the spine, a crushed t-spine vertebre, and lumbar pain. He had lost 30 pounds, but left the hospital weeks before he was expected to, just wanted to be home. He spent three more months in a Halo Vest, in a hospital bed. I washed him and cooked for him every day, but had to go to work every evening. I found out later that after I went to work, his "friends" were bringing him pints of liquor. 
We married in May, shortly after he was released from his Halo. He worked hard at Rehab until it became apparent that he would not be able to return to construction. After that he stayed drunk. For years. Through Lumbar Spine fusion, through Cervical spine fusion, then a prostectomy because of aggressive prostate cancer. I don't have to detail for those of you who are dealing with an addict the stress, financial drain, or the verbal and situational abuse created by living with someone who is chronically drunk. That the drunkenness is on top of true physical and mental disability is a staggering ethical and moral problem for me. In April last year he went into the hospital for 10 days to Detox (it was supposed to be three days, but he was completely out of it for 9 days). When he left the hospital, it was another 10 days before he could walk and care for himself. 
Which brings us to now. Most days he contents himself with a six-pack of beer and his cigars,& functions quite well. Then there are the days that his "friends" show up.....carrying. I come home from work to a drunken mess. 
So....how can I morally abandon someone who has had two brain injuries, is held together with rods and screws, has had cancer, and who I married for "all of this life and into the next"? And yet, how can I put up with this constant drama and financial nightmare? In some ways, and on some days I still see the Superman I once knew, but especially since one of his oldest friends and most deeply alcoholic buddies is back in the picture, life is going back to Hades. I have been paying for this home for 16 years, but I know that he will not leave if I ask him to. I do not know which way to turn. Help!


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## randomguy

Does he ever threaten you with violence? If so, you could get a restraining order against him. There are clerks at your local courthouse that can help you fill out all the paperwork. A TRO(temporary restraining order) would prevent him from being at the house. Change the locks and if he shows up, call the police. Good luck, it seems as if you have your work cut out for you


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## Ascending_Soul

Thank you, and I will keep your advice in mind. He has never intentionally hit me, knows better, used to make physical threats, but has not in a long time, although I know that if his alliance with his "buddy" continues, he will deteriorate and start making threats again. 
Are just threats enough?


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## ZeroCool

I work in the military support non profit community, and your story sounds a lot like what I have heard with respect to TBI, PTSD, combat stress and war injuries. Your dilemma is a very common theme. I know you aren't dealing specifically with a combat related injury, but you might want to check out some of their communities. One is Not Alone (not my organization)


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## Ascending_Soul

Yes, I have long suspected that he has PTSD, and I know that he has had multiple TBI's. He is a Veteran and has some old issues there as well. Many nights he screams and fights but has no conscious idea what his issue is. I suspect that it is because of the "Torture" he endured while he was kept in a medication induced coma for weeks. 
I will look into support groups, thanks. Your group, NOT ALONE is wonderful, but since I'm no longer a military wife, not the best match, your thought is right on, though. THANK YOU


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