# It's not so bad, but...



## Daffodil (Mar 6, 2009)

I'll accept any insights you all can offer, even if you're yelling at me. :/

My husband and I will be celebrating our 10-year anniversary this year. We have four children between the ages of 2 and 9, and for all intents and purposes we live a nice, quiet suburban life. We're active in our church, we're surrounded my family, and I think most people would say we appear to be pretty happy.

However, this isn't the case. When my husband and I met, I had come down off of an intensely bad relationship of two years, and I was left raw and smarting from that experience. I was out of college and anxious that I would never find someone, so I actually made a conscious decision that my priorities henceforth would be pragmatic rather than romantic; I would find someone with good 'husband' qualities, because marriage was my objective. After what I'd been through, I didn't exactly trust my emotions to be a trustworthy guide anymore.

I didn't have to look very long or hard. My husband-to-be was a co-worker, and many people had suggested we should date. Dating was sort of clumsy; he was not someone who dated much, and frankly I'm not altogether sure he was all that interested to begin with. Still, I was a decent enough improvement over living alone, though, that he was talked into proposing, and since we both came from Christian homes, with similar values, both wanted children, both were gainfully employed... it seemed to me to be a good match.

In essentials, we are fine. He is a good man, dutiful and mostly pleasant. I try to be a good wife and mother. We do not argue much, we have a nice home, and our kids are loved very much by us both. A friend once told me she felt badly that she and her husband fight because her impression was that my husband and I never do. This isn't true, but we don't argue often. I have even, at times, congratulated myself for having chosen as I did, since it meant the disappointment of the end of the 'honeymoon period' was not an issue; we've just always been this way.

But once we're out of the limelight and we're not being parents and it's just us, the idyllic scene evaporates. He is not a terribly passionate man, and I am shy. Up until recently, the prospect of having children was enough to interest me in sex, but now that we are 'done', I am at a loss. Even when he does try to approach me, I'm not interested, and even feel a little repulsed. (I hate admitting that. :/) His response in such cases is to sigh in exasperation and turn away. We never talk about it.

I have tried, through the years, to cultivate grounds for more of an intimate friendship than we currently share. I have tried to develop an interest in the sports he loves, have invited him to take part in activities I enjoy. He will often agree in dutiful fashion, but takes no real pleasure in it and I've found it is never what I hope it will be. Likewise, I have found I cannot sustain a lasting enthusiasm for his interests. It has been very frustrating, and at this point I've just stopped bothering. I have developed outside friendships around my interests, and I am mostly content with them. I just feel guilty over the intimacy issues, when they come up.

For a long time this is how it has been. Recently, however, an old boyfriend found me on a social networking site. He, too, is married and has children, living a couple of states away. As with such things, I think it really did start out innocently enough on both sides; I have a number of male friends because I enjoy programming, and he's certainly not the only ex that has turned up on such sites and said hello. We started out just catching up and commenting on each other's kids, the usual stuff. But this led to the remember-whens, which led to question-and-answer about our relationship back in college, which led to a discussion of our breakup. It was revealed that our breakup was largely the result of a misunderstanding, which really didn't help.

It is common to idealize past relationships and such. I know this. I didn't go in expecting to feel anything for him beyond fond familiarity by virtue of having known him back when. But talking with him, noting how much we still have in common from big things to small things, and how nice it is to have someone admire me on my actual merits rather than based on my status as The Wife... it's really underscored for me just how unhappy I am and how much I sacrificed doing things the way I did. He admitted to me recently that I was 'the one that got away' for him, and I know his relationship with his wife has been rocky anyway. It was really hard to hear that, knowing my own husband doesn't really think I'm anything special.

I have talked to my husband about the intimacy issues, and we have agreed to seek counselling. I just don't know what I want out of it. They will inevitably ask what my goals are, and for the sake of our children and our friends and family, preservation of our image and standing, if nothing else, I suppose I want it to work out... But I lack faith in my husband's ability to be the 'best friend' I feel he ought to be, and now that I've encountered someone who make me feel wanted and special and appreciated, I don't know how I'll be satisfied with less. 

I didn't mean to do this. Will counseling really help?


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Wow.. it sound to me like you and your hubby get along great, that the sex and intimacy are just lacking. As you said, you chose this life and him. You have kids, you have a home, a family. I don't deny that the hum drum can get to you. But, it might be wise to cut off contact with this ex from college. When a person is in an unhappy place, any contact, that is new, exciting, and especiallly with an old flame, can make you feel wonderful. But, it's not something to base what your current relationship with your spouse is like. You said he doesn't make you feel special.. but from what you said earlier in your post, it seems to me like he makes you feel very special. Like you both are good friends, who've let passion elude both of you. If you truly want to save your marriage, and I think it's Definitely worth saving, then counseling will help , insofar as you want it to. Both parties have to be willing. And since you both are, then I'd go for it! This other man, that you're talking with, whether it's easy to admit or not, is clouding your judgment. And to make your marriage work, you really should not speak to him anymore. You owe that to your husband, and your 4 kids. Sounds to me like you could bring some love and passion back into your lives, if you truly want. Even if you feel you don't, at least try, and then if it doesn't work you will be able to walk away knowing you tried your best. good luck to you.


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

:iagree: with marina72. Cut off the chat with the old flame and focus on making what you DO have into something you want it to be. I see lots of potential.


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