# Should I be mad or am I insecure?



## benderjl1 (Aug 17, 2012)

I would appreciate any help with this. Its kind of a weird situation, so please excuse the background story. 

My wife and I are currently trying to sell our house. Wife is not currently working, so when we have showing we typically go next door to our neighbors house. 

My wife and I are both 29 years old and they are in their 50s, but they told us just to come hang out on their deck whenever we need to get out of the house and usually feed us beers. 

Yesterday, my wife went over at 3 p.m. and started drinking with them. I showed up from work at about 7:30 p.m. and went back home to bed at around 10:30 p.m. - so did the neighbor's wife. 

My wife and the neighbor stayed up drinking and talking until 1 a.m. (at least that what time I was told. My wife was sleeping on the couch when I woke up this morning). 

To tell you the truth, I was mad this morning and told her I thought the situation was weird, especially since a lot of the conversation was between the two of them was about me, our relationship and discussion about future children (again ... this is what I was told). 

These are not our family members or best friends, we have been over their house about 4 times in past 2 months. 

I guess I am just trying to hear other opinions? Should I be upset? I would have no problem if my wife told me she was going out with friends for the evening and then came home around midnight, but this was a one-on-one late night bender with the guy next door. 

By the way - wife does not think she did anything wrong.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

I guess it would depend on what exactly she was saying about you and your marriage. Your wife may simply look at this gentleman as a "father figure" of sorts. Someone who has been married a long time and can offer insight into how to keep marriages healthy, raising kids, etc. I had someone like this in my life and nothing, and I mean NOTHING, was going on between us. He was my psuedo-dad. It's very likely she would have stayed there and talked to the wife for that long. Who knows. 

I would, however, be very upset if my spouse was talking badly about me or our marriage to ANYONE behind my back. So that's why I asked what exactly she said about you. Do you think she was venting? 

If it were me I'd probably let this one go but always keep one eye open. Your wife's intentions may have been completely innocent but this neighbor might misinterpret her friendliness and then the situation can get weird. Hopefully once you move this will all come to a screeching halt anyway. 

So, in my opinion (as it is right now based on this one and only incident) I would not be mad. And it doesn't necessarily mean you are insecure. You just like to keep your private life private and there is nothing wrong with that. That is something that is ok to be upset about.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I wouldn't be too crazy about it either. More about drinking for 10 hours with a person you barely know and discussing your marriage with them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

I don't see any problem yet. Maybe she was having fun talking and forgot about the time. But if this talking one on one till late night is starting to be frequent, then I can see there's a problem.


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## benderjl1 (Aug 17, 2012)

Thanks for the insight. The only thing that I really "overheard" was that she "didn't know how to tell me she was scared to have children in the future." 

I havent really brought that up yet, but I don't know why she couldn't just tell me that. 

My head is just kind of spinning because last time we were over there, my wife said the neighbor kept "looking at her chest." You can see how this would drive me crazy.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Not cool. She needs to grow up and learn about boundaries and how to communicate.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Talk to her. One of your main complaints is she is not communicating with you - about being scared to have kids. so why aren't you communicating with her?

I wouldn't get mad, but do tell her that it mad you feel uncomfortable and ask her if she would come home with you next time, or at least when the wife goes to bed. Then ask her if she feels comfortable talking to you about her private issues.

Talk, talk, talk......


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

10 hours session. Whats the guys wife to say about her old man sitting "chatting" and drinking with a 29 year old female until 1 am. 

As got this points out, there are boundries and this is a line crossed if nothing else than was it really necessary?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Hmm, the neighbor kept looking at her chest yet she stayed there with him. That couldn't have been too much of a problem for her. Of course he's looking at her chest; she's young and probably had it hanging out, and he's drunk. You wouldn't look at another woman's chest if you were drunk and it was there? This is why drinking alone with someone of the opposite sex who is not your spouse is a bad idea.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Is this one isolated incident of concern, or are you frequently concerned about your wife's behavior with others? Is your marriage on solid footing? Are you susceptible to feeling insecure because you feel your marriage isn't as strong as it could be?

Put this event in the context of your whole relationship rather than trying to look at it in isolation.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

benderjl1 said:


> My head is just kind of spinning because last time we were over there, my wife said the neighbor kept "looking at her chest." You can see how this would drive me crazy.


I gotta laugh when stuff like this comes up after the I wouldn't worry about it comments. Grandpa ain't staying up til 1am for his health. Well hell Grandma might have gotten rocked that night  No offense to my Graybeards out there.


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## benderjl1 (Aug 17, 2012)

norajane said:


> Is this one isolated incident of concern, or are you frequently concerned about your wife's behavior with others? Is your marriage on solid footing? Are you susceptible to feeling insecure because you feel your marriage isn't as strong as it could be?
> 
> Put this event in the context of your whole relationship rather than trying to look at it in isolation.


No, we dont have any other problems. I am not really concerned, but this just seemed really weird to me and I was kind of angry this morning when I approached her about it. 

There has been 2-3 times in the past where she sees an old (male) friend at a bar or other social setting and goes to talk to them and leaves me for like two hours. I dont think she is cheating and I am in the same area during these events, but she kind of leaves me out to dry. 

Yes - I have told her that maybe she can cut off the conversation a little earlier and come back, but it obviously didnt help. And yes, I have approached her during these times and try to join in, but the conversation drops and I get the "What do you need hunny"


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## benderjl1 (Aug 17, 2012)

Just an update ... I got home from work today and the wife is next door again. Its been about 3 hours. I called to see if she wanted me to make something to eat or if we were going to do anything tonight and just said "I have no idea." This is after I calmly told her that I was uncomfortable with what happened the night before.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Tell her you are taking her out to eat and come home WTH you have to nip this now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

My husband would have a FIT if I did that. I wouldn't be real thrilled if he did that either. I don't think you're insecure. They're alone together drinking until the wee hours of the morning. It's not appropriate.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Wife doesn't work? Husband comes home from work and 3 hours later there's no supper, no thoughts about supper, no welcome home, no nothing?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Hmmm ... father figure is what immediately comes to mind. 50 is not that old though so I think for me it would depend on what your take on him is.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Wife doesn't work? Husband comes home from work and 3 hours later there's no supper, no thoughts about supper, no welcome home, no nothing?


To me it's about the level of disrespect going on here something has to change.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

benderjl1 said:


> My wife and the neighbor stayed up drinking and talking until 1 a.m. (at least that what time I was told. My wife was sleeping on the couch when I woke up this morning).



Pffft. Cheater 101 is to sleep on the couch so the husband doesn't know when you came home nor look too closely at your condition. 



> By the way - wife does not think she did anything wrong.


She won't think so until you impose meaningful consequences.


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## Jack99 (Nov 21, 2010)

There's definitely a problem. She's unhappy or she would be including you in the conversation with the old boyfriends. 50 is way not too young to attract a girl - I'm 55 and trust they do not cut it off. Read the books everyone's always recommending. Get marriage counseling. She's got to understand that her behavior is unacceptable. The going over the neighbor's house has got to stop, now.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Jack99 said:


> There's definitely a problem. She's unhappy or she would be including you in the conversation with the old boyfriends. 50 is way not too young to attract a girl - I'm 55 and trust they do not cut it off. Read the books everyone's always recommending. Get marriage counseling. She's got to understand that her behavior is unacceptable. The going over the neighbor's house has got to stop, now.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Don't see a reason for serious concern yet. Unless the late drinking with the neighbor becomes a habit, in which case you must enforce boundaries.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Personally, I'd be more concerned about all that drinking than that she'd fall for a guy 20-25 years older than her. 

Why is she so bored that she needs to start drinking at 3pm and carry on all evening? Does she have a life, friends, activities? Does she do anything outside the home? Does she drink that much by herself? What is going on in your wife's life? 

Maybe this guy is more a drinking partner/enabler than anything else.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

The whole situation is disconcerting (hey what a word!).

There are several Doormat Flags here.

After what happened YOU ask if you should prepare something to eat??

While she sips her drinks with another man??

She is disrespecting you and you are starting to enable it. She will loose all respect soon.


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## benderjl1 (Aug 17, 2012)

So I do not suspect cheating any more. The neighbor's wife is generally around and now that I know them better, I dont think that would every happen. 

The problem is that my wife went to hang out with them again last night. That makes Thursday from 3 pm-1 am; Friday from 3 pm-11 pm and Monday 7 pm-10 pm.

On Thursday and Friday I stopped by to hang out a little bit and see my wife, but she doesnt come home with me. 

She still believes that she is doing nothing wrong. Is she?

Is this something to be mad about, or do I just need to let her have freedom?


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Taking the suspected cheating off the table because I trust your judgement that nothing is going on..... 

If my significiant other chooses to do something that he knows bothers me (and the reason is irrelavant!) then I'd be upset because at this point he is KNOWINGLY disrespecting me. It doesn't matter if he thinks my reasoning for being uncomfortable sounds loco to him. My feelings should be more important than drinking with the neighbors. And I wonder if Mrs. Neighbor is just being polite but would rather your wife not overstay her welcome. Or, on the other hand, she may like the fact that Mr. Neighbor is preoccupied! LOL 

She may not be doing anything wrong THERE but she is doing something wrong when it comes to your feelings. She is dismissing them. She is doing what she wants to do regardless of how you feel. And that, sir, is wrong.

Edited to add: Yes, I changed my tune from my first response. Having drinks one night is one thing but I changed my opinion about this when you posted about her other outings and you telling her how that one time being there bothered you.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If it were me, I wouldn't want a neighbor, any neighbor, hanging out at my house night after night, so from the perspective of the other wife, I would say that your W has to knock it off.

From the perspective of you as her H, I believe that she has to understand that this is crossing a boundary. I would be direct and tell her that this bothers you and that you need her to treat your feelings with respect and consideration.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Regardless of what's in her head, I hope nobody is so naive to believe that just because this guy is 50, he's "too old" to be having some seriously inappropriate thoughts in his head, particularly while drinking. Because if so, I want to assure you that you're wrong.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

benderjl1 said:


> So I do not suspect cheating any more. The neighbor's wife is generally around and now that I know them better, I dont think that would every happen.
> 
> The problem is that my wife went to hang out with them again last night. That makes Thursday from 3 pm-1 am; Friday from 3 pm-11 pm and Monday 7 pm-10 pm.
> 
> ...


How was your weekend? Was she loving and attentive Saturday and Sunday?

Have you had more than one conversation with her about this? If so, did you use words like "unacceptable" or say something weak like "it bothers me?"

I suspect I'm in a very tiny minority here but if she were my wife she would have woken up to a major **** storm this morning.

Take some advice from an ultimate alpha.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

When I was 50 I had a 20 y.o. hitting on me hard.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Hortensia said:


> Don't see a reason for serious concern yet. Unless the late drinking with the neighbor becomes a habit, in which case you must enforce boundaries.


lmao


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

benderjl1 said:


> So I do not suspect cheating any more. The neighbor's wife is generally around and now that I know them better, I dont think that would every happen.
> 
> The problem is that my wife went to hang out with them again last night. That makes Thursday from 3 pm-1 am; Friday from 3 pm-11 pm and Monday 7 pm-10 pm.
> 
> ...




She's making a power move. You've voiced your concerns and like many on TAM she doesn't want to be "controlled". 

Also, 50+ is a ripe age for those in the "lifestyle"...


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

norajane said:


> Personally, I'd be more concerned about all that drinking than that she'd fall for a guy 20-25 years older than her.
> 
> Why is she so bored that she needs to start drinking at 3pm and carry on all evening? Does she have a life, friends, activities? Does she do anything outside the home? Does she drink that much by herself? What is going on in your wife's life?
> 
> Maybe this guy is more a drinking partner/enabler than anything else.


Like I asked before, why is she doing so much drinking all of a sudden? 

What's going on in her life these days? What's going on between the two of you?


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

Why is she married to you if she doesn't want to spend time with you?She gets to have ATM + maid who cooks and cleans for her in exchange for giving you sex twice a month.


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## benderjl1 (Aug 17, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> How was your weekend? Was she loving and attentive Saturday and Sunday?
> 
> Have you had more than one conversation with her about this? If so, did you use words like "unacceptable" or say something weak like "it bothers me?"
> 
> ...


Thanks for all the feedback. To answer a few questions: Yes, I have told her twice that I was uncomfortable with the situation and wouldn't mind an occasional visit, but what she was doing is unacceptable. I even woke her up to a major "**** storm" Friday at 5:30 am after she didnt come home until 1 am.

To the question about her drinking so much all the sudden: There are things going on in our life that could be stressful, but everything has been fine with us up to this point. Actually right now, she lives the life. She doesnt work and we selling our house so that we can move closer to her parents and start a family. 

Saturday she was hungover, but her attitude towards me was fine. Sunday she was OK. Monday she was in a terrible mood towards me, but in a great mood when she returned from the neighbors.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

This is the problem with so many people today

"me me me me"

"I didn't do anything wrong"


If her behavior is normally like this id suggest you man up and leave, you don't need that in your life. If this is an isolated incident than id just talk about it and let it go. 

It just shocks me though when someone is troubled/upset and makes light of this to their spouse only for the spouse to act like "oh I did nothing wrong". Without even trying to hear them out they start thinking of "me me me" 

Its disgusting


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

This should NOT even be a problem to begin with

really sit and think of who you married (no offense) but do you want this in your life?

Its NOT going to stop buddy, if someone is this careless and uncaring about your feelings and moody its not going to magically disappear with children let alone a new house. SORRY to be doom and gloom but better you realize this now before you or her has an affair 5 years down the road and 1 of you are on the verge of suicide. 

Seen it happen plenty of times


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

benderjl1 said:


> To the question about her drinking so much all the sudden: There are things going on in our life that could be stressful, but everything has been fine with us up to this point. Actually right now, she lives the life. She doesnt work and we selling our house so that we can move closer to her parents and start a family.
> 
> Saturday she was hungover, but her attitude towards me was fine. Sunday she was OK. Monday she was in a terrible mood towards me, but in a great mood when she returned from the neighbors.


Did she used to have a job? Maybe she is now bored and has too much time on her hands? 

Could she be wanting to get this out of her system before she has children?

Has she always been someone who drinks a lot? Does she drink every day?

What does she say when you ask her WHY she keeps going over there for hours and hours at a time?


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

benderjl1 said:


> .... my wife said the neighbor kept "looking at her chest." You can see how this would drive me crazy.





benderjl1 said:


> ....
> There has been 2-3 times in the past where she sees an old (male) friend at a bar or other social setting and goes to talk to them and *leaves me for like two hours*. I dont think she is cheating and I am in the same area during these events, but* she kind of leaves me out to dry*.
> 
> Yes - I have told her that maybe she can cut off the conversation a little earlier and come back, but it obviously didnt help. And yes, *I have approached her during these times and try to join in, but the conversation drops and I get the "What do you need hunny*"





benderjl1 said:


> Just an update ... I got home from work today and the wife is next door again. Its been about 3 hours.* I called to see if she wanted me to make something to eat or if we were going to do anything tonight and just said "I have no idea." This is after I calmly told her that I was uncomfortable with what happened the night before*.





unbelievable said:


> *Wife doesn't work? Husband comes home from work and 3 hours later there's no supper, no thoughts about supper, no welcome home, no nothing?*





benderjl1 said:


> ....
> The problem is that my wife went to hang out with them again last night. That makes Thursday from 3 pm-1 am; Friday from 3 pm-11 pm and Monday 7 pm-10 pm.
> 
> On Thursday and Friday I stopped by to hang out a little bit and see my wife, but she doesnt come home with me. ... do I just need to let her have freedom?


Your wife is rude, insensitive and does not respect you. The "what do you need hunny" comment is a F-off in disguise. You response should be "...I guess I need a wife who respects me, which apparently isn't you".

I also think she is very inappropriate and may have a drinking problem. You work all day and although she has plenty of time to drink with the neighbors for days in a row, she just can't take the time to make you dinner....that is pretty selfish and reminds me a lot of my ex-wife. If I was drowning she'd throw me a rope on the commercial.

Do NOT put up with this chit. It doesn't get any better...please do not get her pregnant.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

benderjl1 said:


> Thanks for all the feedback. To answer a few questions: Yes, I have told her twice that I was uncomfortable with the situation and wouldn't mind an occasional visit, but what she was doing is unacceptable. I even woke her up to a major "**** storm" Friday at 5:30 am after she didnt come home until 1 am.
> 
> To the question about her drinking so much all the sudden: There are things going on in our life that could be stressful, but everything has been fine with us up to this point. Actually right now, she lives the life. She doesnt work and we selling our house so that we can move closer to her parents and start a family.
> 
> Saturday she was hungover, but her attitude towards me was fine. Sunday she was OK. Monday she was in a terrible mood towards me, but in a great mood when she returned from the neighbors.


Since you don't take advice I have no further comment than that it are all red flags


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Cheating is not the only problem in a marriage.

A wife who disrespect's her husbands wishes, placing her "freedom" above all else.... Is that a wife you want to have a child with?

Your requests are reasonable. You want a wife. She is not being a wife. She is being a single girl.


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## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

I am going to have to agree with many of the posters here that your W is out of line. Many of her behaviors are similar to those I am seeing with my W who is also not working, sits at home all day bored, and is having a mid life crisis (I think your W may be too young for that, my W just turned 40). If your W is anything like mine (and I am betting that she is.....) she is very unhappy in the r/s and with her life in general and she's found a sounding board in whom she can confide because she is no longer safe or comfortable confiding in you. At the very least this signals that the marriage is not on stable ground right now, because your W is not stable.

She is spending WAY too much time with this older gentleman. You have a right to have the situation clarified for you. My W and I are doing a little better now precisely because I started to set some boundaries with her and she now understands that there is a limit to what I will put up with. Not that my situation can be called good. I am going to start a new thread in a minute that I am sure will clock me good.

More importantly though, here are the facts as you have set them forth:

- Wife seems to want to spend more time with the neighbors than at home with you
- Wife told neighbor she's ambivalent about children but won't tell you

Both of these indicate serious communication problems and possibly hint that your wife either wants out of the marriage or is deeply unhappy. This needs to be clarified in some way BEFORE you move......trust me when I tell you this......and her silence can speak more than words.......time to take off the rose colored glasses, this is a bad situation.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She's out of line.

At a minimum she should be returning with you to your home when it's time for bed, her staying over there is not ok. It's her blowing you off, to keep drinking with her new buddy, and it isn't the wife.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If she won't come home, I suggest you stay and c-block the old guy. Be right there in the middle of it all. They'll try to make you the third wheel and get you to move on, just deliberately insert yourself right back in,
Oh, and drink their good booze, not the cheap stuff.


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> If she won't come home, I suggest you stay and c-block the old guy. Be right there in the middle of it all. They'll try to make you the third wheel and get you to move on, just deliberately insert yourself right back in,
> Oh, and drink their good booze, not the cheap stuff.


Took the words right out of my mouth!!! Stay and be a pain in the a$$!


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