# Open Marriage and Divorce



## Nikolas (Aug 22, 2011)

I posted previously on this site about problems I had in my Marriage, a lot has happened since that time and I'd like your input;

Married 17 years with 2 children, 13 and 16, I'm 54 and my wife is 37, She's a beautiful woman, slim, charming and very sociable.

Last 7-10 years has been consumed with petty arguing and disrespect, I always felt something was troubling her about me I couldn't figure out what it was, that was until 3 months when we for the first time in our lives had a open and honest discussion about how we felt, My solution to the problem was divorce, something I always wanted, her solution was an open marriage because she does NOT want to divorce me, says she still loves me, She had all the rules for this arrangement rehearsed in her head, I didn't know what to think because I never gave it any thought before, Stupid me, I agreed to it..

Turns out she's been seeing another guy, not romantically but sociably for 1 year prior, I know him, he's the same age as I am but VERY WELL off financially, he's the VP of a major corporation, he's basically been wooing her for 1 year and having an open marriage allows her to take it one step further with this him, In brief, he's been showering with shopping sprees at $500 a pop, Fine dining at the Ritz, vacations, all the places she likes that we couldn't afford to do.

I'm the sole bread winner, I'm self employed and I work 6 to 7 days a week, I earn nearly 80K a year, she's a part time server and earns roughly 20K, combined we earn 100K a year and living in So. California it's NOT a lot, I put her though school to be a MA and she obtained her certifications, that was 2 years ago and she's never followed though with a medical job, she's still serving... I feel if she bumped her income up we can do the things she wants and do it together.

Not only is she dating a VP, she began dating a Restaurant tycoon who wants her as well, another sugar daddy who wants companionship, he recently offered to pay for plastic surgery that she's always wanted, a tummy tuck and a boob job, needless to say she's a busy woman and I rarely see her.. 

Oddly, since this happened we have gotten along real well, it's actually brought us closer together, but in the past few weeks my feelings began to change about this who open marriage BS, I'm not dating anyone steady, I've had 3 dinner dates, nothing serious, I actually don't have a lot of time to date and since I have stronger feelings for my Wife now than ever, I really don't feel the need to date at all, we have a great sex life so I'm quite satisfied.

My biggest problem with this arrangement is that I'm busting my ass everyday to pay the bills while she's out having a great time, and receiving goodies as well, it's really messed up, and the nights she stays over, I'm home alone with the kids and eats me up going to be alone, and I've never been the jealous type, but lately I have feelings of jealously.

I expressed this all to her and told her I cant live like this and that's eating me alive, I gave her until Valentines day to decide what direction she wants, Open Marrige or Divorce, I prefer the latter even though I love her, I will never be able to satisfy her needs UNLESS she gets off her rear end and contributes more financially, and I don't see that happening.

She's could do so much with her life and career but chooses not too.. Hard work VS taking the easy way out, that's what it comes down to.

Your thoughts


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

of course she doesn't want to divorce you...until one of the sugar daddies buys her a 5 carat ring, that is


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Divorce her. She is running her private life of an escort service. Don't buy this open marriage crap. It's an excuse to have sex outside the marriage, without consequences. In this case, she is running her life as a courtesan. You need to be at peace with your life by not having a part-time wife. I can only imagine having a master's degree and living a life like a high-priced prostitute. She chosed money and material stuff over you and your children.


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## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

If I were you, I'd divorce and go for full custody. To me, this is teaching your kids how NOT to act in a marriage.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Nikolas said:


> I posted previously on this site about problems I had in my Marriage, a lot has happened since that time and I'd like your input;
> 
> Married 17 years with 2 children, 13 and 16, I'm 54 and my wife is 37, She's a beautiful woman, slim, charming and very sociable.
> 
> ...


Holy crap. Just divorce.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

Nikolas said:


> ... I put her though school to be a MA and she obtained her certifications, that was 2 years ago and she's never followed though with a medical job, she's still serving...
> 
> Not only is she dating a VP, she began dating a Restaurant tycoon who wants her as well, another sugar daddy who wants companionship, he recently offered to pay for plastic surgery that she's always wanted, a tummy tuck and a boob job, needless to say she's a busy woman and I rarely see her..


Of course she's not looking for a medical job! Why should she? She's got 3 wealthy men she's servicing (who are giving her cash, plastic surgery and fine dining) and YOU back home paying the boring stuff (electric, water, cable, food, etc. etc. etc.). In her mind, she's got it made.

If I were a man, this freeloader would be on the curb with her things. "Open marriage" is nothing more than an excuse to screw around while retaining Plan B as a safety net (meaning the husband/wife who actually puts up with the person who screws around). I would NOT put up with someone who only sees me as one of many options.

P.S. Once her sugar daddies find out she's divorced with three kids, they'll drop her like a hornet. I've seen it happen more than once with women I know.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I hope you are not offended by this but from what you've posted your wife already has a well paying job with major perks. She's a "lady of the evening", "escort" or whatever other term you would like to use (I refrained from the most obvious). What do you want/expect from her? She "loves" you??? How do you define love? You are a live in babysitter and she is using you as such and throwing you a bone (pardon the pun) for your services. I wouldn't even know what to classify this arrangement as but I would not use the word marriage. I would find a woman who respects and adores you and move on from this toxic arrangement not only for you but for the example it sets for your kids as well. Good luck.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

"I gave her until Valentines day to decide what direction she wants, Open Marrige or Divorce..."

LOL 

Gee, I wonder which she'll pick. Dude...get some self-esteem and find a real lady.

What kind of mother is that???


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

My thoughts?

Gather as much evidence as possible, go see a lawyer and divorce her ASAP.

Love is defined by action not words. By her actions, no she does NOT Love you. Not at all.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

This is an abusive use of an open marriage, and I agree with the others - divorce her. She's outsmarted you in the short run, OP, but I hope you prevail in the long run.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Nikolas said:


> and the nights she stays over, I'm home alone with the kids and eats me up going to be alone, and I've never been the jealous type, but lately I have feelings of jealously.


Odd how lying in bed alone while the love of your life is out banging guys for money will do that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You have a choice in the matter.

You can change your mind at any time.

If this no longer works for you, tell her and divorce her.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

If OP's wife was a smart/decent woman:
a) she would not be getting involved or hanging out with opposite sex
b) she would get a divorce if not happy in current relationship
c) would not act like a *****

This new guy will eat her up/spit her up and leave her on the side of the road.....in time. And when that time comes you do NOT even think about taking her back (cause she will come crawling).

Get a divorce, do your best getting custody of your kids (you do NOT want your kids learning from their mom, trust me).....sit back, kick up your feet and watch it unfold.

Good theater if you ask me.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Lila said:


> Nikolas,
> 
> The open marriage option was your version of the "hail mary" pass. One last shot before calling the game over. Sadly, the experiment was not a success for you and your wife. It's time to move on to ending the marriage. Divorce your wife and free yourself (and yes, her)* to meet more compatible partners.*
> 
> My best bit of advice is to attempt to divorce as amicably as possible. Best of luck.


In time,......take time to heal and recover from all this before you start dating/getting involved with anyone else.

Find yourself, focus on the kids/family....go hang out with friends etc. You will not be ready to date or find someone special for # of months +.

DO NOT get into rebound type of situation. Your mind will be clouded for couple of months after divorce.


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## BucksBunny (Jan 6, 2015)

OP, please don’t think people are being harsh in any way with there reply, please take a look at other side you did not write those words you are on this form and read the information you have given now count to 10 and tell me what you would be thinking?

I think and suspect others do as well you’re in a very confused place and I am sure a lot of there comments were to clear your head and you will be in a total spin. It’s your wife and your family 1001 things will be flying in your head. For you even to set a deadline must have taken some doing so take heart from that your on the start of a road and not in denial you want this fixed out so well done.

So please take a deep breath read and take on what people say. You will get many view points and different angles only you can know how close or far off they are. Come back and read comments nice and calm and if people ask you to clarify points please do they are only trying to get a better fix on what are the main issues.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

What do you tell your teenage kids when your wife is gone overnight?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Nikolas said:


> I posted previously on this site about problems I had in my Marriage, a lot has happened since that time and I'd like your input;
> 
> Married 17 years with 2 children, 13 and 16, I'm 54 and my wife is 37, She's a beautiful woman, slim, charming and very sociable.
> 
> ...


Many contradicting statements that need clarifying:


Your last set of posts (years ago) suggested that she didn't have respect for you and was abusive but enjoyed sex and outings with you. Now things seem to have changed for the worse - is that correct ? What happened in between (2011 and 2014) ?

She wants an open marriage because she doesn't want to divorce you because she still loves you and enjoys sex with you??? - really don't understand this statement!!!

She has been dating two rich guys for a year, goes out, stays overnight *but doesn't have sex with them (?)* and is waiting for you to agree to the open marriage *so that she can have sex with them and give them value for money ? * If this is true, you do understand the implications of what you are saying right ? 

So many things wrong with this I don't know where to begin. Lets start with *do you really believe that she isn't having sex with them already?* Or has this staying overnight really started after the "open marriage" discussion and has she acted on this without you agreeing to it ? Weren't both of you supposed to wait till Valentines day? Seems she might have started already without you. Yet ...

You have started dating women too (but no sex) ? Why ?

If she is already sleeping with these guys and then sleeping with you, are you not concerned about STD's at the very least ? Do they wear protection ? Have you had yourself (and her) checked ?

Now you want her back because you are beginning to get jealous? Because she is never there ? Or are you in love with her and attracted to her again ? 

You went from wanting divorce definitely and staying for the kids to now wanting her emotionally and romantically. Is that correct ?

As someone else asked, what do your kids think of her behaviour? What do you tell them about this and what does she? Is this the moral upbringing you want for your kids ?

Does anyone else (family, friends etc) know about her behaviour and what do they think about it?

Do you think that because of your age difference or sex rank that you will not be able to get another woman as attractive as her ?


As I said, much clarification needed here and would really appreciate your answers in order to offer the best feedback/advice/commentary.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

For your own peace of mind, dignity and self respect.....just end it. 

It isn't working for you and odds are against her ever being able to stop what she is doing -at least in the long term. 

If not for yourself...the lessons that your children are learning are setting then up for a life of relationship failure and pain....end it for them.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

WTF! Divorce. See a lawyer ASAP and serve the wench.


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## Jetoroal (Dec 24, 2014)

Divorce her man
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Has he responded at all to any of these suggestions?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Nope! (tumbleweed, tumbleweed, tumbleweed)


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

What happens if she gets pregnant - how will she know who the father is?

Sounds like divorce is overdue.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I can't believe that you fell for this bull $h!t. Now it comes down to this. The minuet you found out that she was already seeing someone even before you agreed to this farce of an idea should have wised you up and thrown her ass out. 

She was cheating on you friend. Then she springs this open marriage crap on you so she could have her cake and eat it. These guys are renting her ass on your dime and your letting it. Now you have three choices. Divorce her, become her pimp or sit there like a jack ass and let other men screw your wife and you pay the bills. Think about it although IMO what's there to think about She's hooking and your being her fool.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Move her to any other state "for business reasons." Divorce her after the required wait time for residency.

No not divorce in ca. 10 years is the threshhold for perm alimony.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Nikolas said:


> I expressed this all to her and told her I cant live like this and that's eating me alive, I gave her until Valentines day to decide what direction she wants, Open Marrige or Divorce, I prefer the latter even though I love her, I will never be able to satisfy her needs UNLESS she gets off her rear end and contributes more financially, and I don't see that happening.


She's already made the decision about what she wants, and she's already got it. She wants you to do all the work for her home and parent the children while she's too busy and she wants these other men to satisfy all her upscale material needs that your salary can't keep up with. She's not going to change - why should she?

You need to initiate the divorce now, instead of giving her a few more weeks to eat cake at the expense of your sanity. If you wait, all she'll do on Valentines is come up with another way to prolong the situation.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Divorced mom working at Walmart barely making ends meet with child support and temporary spousal support, how much energy do you think she'll have for her sexual escapades?


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Encourage your wife the benefits of being a single woman - has a sweeter and fresher taste than "divorced woman":

1. All the men she can bang without the guilt of cheating on her husband. Sweeeeeeeet!

2. She giving you physical custody of the kids will free her from all those crappy parental responsibilities.

3. She can be free to find a sugar daddy who can make her life financially cushy.

But you must put a sincere and happy face when you make the pitch so that your enthusiasm will sweep over her like a dopamine tsunami. You can do it.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Nikolas said:


> I expressed this all to her and told her I cant live like this and that's eating me alive, I gave her until Valentines day to decide what direction she wants, Open Marrige or Divorce, I prefer the latter even though I love her, I will never be able to satisfy her needs UNLESS she gets off her rear end and contributes more financially, and I don't see that happening.
> 
> She's could do so much with her life and career but chooses not too.. Hard work VS taking the easy way out, that's what it comes down to.
> 
> Your thoughts


Yes, divorce her. Not sure why you'd agree to an open marriage in the first place.


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## NewLifePlease (Oct 31, 2014)

She's living my fantasy! She gets to try out rich guys while still having a place to live until she gets a ring. She knows with $20K a year she doesn't have enough to live on her own, so that is why she doesn't want a divorce. Even if you give alimony to her, it won't be enough because living in So Cal is so expensive and it seems you are just getting by on the salary you both make. Gosh, in my wildest dreams I wish I could get away with it, but it unfortunately in the real world it is wrong on so many levels.

Here's the deal...she is going to leave you anyway. If you want, you can wait for it to happen or you can make it happen now. If you wait for her to find someone, it might be less expensive for you. I think if you were having better luck with dates, you wouldn't mind the arrangement so much, but the single life is not as fun as you thought it would be...certainly not as much fun she is having. Plus all you wanted was a peaceful life and regular sex and now you are getting it. Unfortunately it won't work in the long run because once she hooks a guy, she's gone.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Move her to any other state "for business reasons." Divorce her after the required wait time for residency.
> 
> No not divorce in ca. 10 years is the threshhold for perm alimony.


Do this and seriously.... Yuk dude.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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