# Marriage Troubles in the Bedroom.



## WifeMom2020 (Apr 15, 2020)

I have always had an extremely high sex drive. I’ve always liked to explore in the bedroom. But now in my second year of marriage I am becoming uncomfortable during sex while being kissed. After sex I feel so dislocated mentally I don’t want to be touched. But during sex, this is embarrassing, but I want to be more rough than intimate. I’m also having dreams every night about a different ex boyfriend or a random male fb friend that happened to like my photo. I feel extremely guilty about all of this and especially the part about not wanting to be kissed or touched by my husband. Please someone offer some advice. I don’t want to mess up my marriage.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Well, I am a guy so we will see. Some girls will probably come by with advice as well. 

So, what is it with your husband? Is he a bad kisser? Have you guys had fights that did not get resolved so you have built up some resentments towards him? Has he stopped taking care of himself? Has he gotten fat or too thin? 

Is there anything that is making you feel this way. 

Because if you are feeling like this in, at all - but, the second year of marriage, that is not good. 

I am not blaming you are him, but something is going on. I have to say that marriage is hard over all and it this type of stuff is happening at this stage it does not bode well for the marriage long term. 

If you don't have kids, DO NOT GET PREGNANT NOW!!!!


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

WifeMom2020 said:


> I have always had an extremely high sex drive. I’ve always liked to explore in the bedroom. But now in my second year of marriage I am becoming uncomfortable during sex while being kissed. After sex I feel so dislocated mentally I don’t want to be touched. But during sex, this is embarrassing, but I want to be more rough than intimate. I’m also having dreams every night about a different ex boyfriend or a random male fb friend that happened to like my photo. I feel extremely guilty about all of this and especially the part about not wanting to be kissed or touched by my husband. Please someone offer some advice. I don’t want to mess up my marriage.


This usually happens when you Siberia do not trust husband or have had any issues in the past. Random people coming in your dream is absolutely fine because you do not have control on your dream. But yes some how deep inside your heart you might be wanting to experience another Male and this is why they are in your dreams.

To save your marriage, ask yourself a question if you have 100% faith in your husband. Don’t reply instantly, try asking this question to yourself as there us definitely something that is bothering you.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

is your post saying you are into sex, but the kissing part makes it feel to intimate, and you are looking more for carnal sex? Re-read the original post, and not sure it is clear. Is it specfically the kissing part that is an issue?


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## WifeMom2020 (Apr 15, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> Well, I am a guy so we will see. Some girls will probably come by with advice as well.
> 
> So, what is it with your husband? Is he a bad kisser? Have you guys had fights that did not get resolved so you have built up some resentments towards him? Has he stopped taking care of himself? Has he gotten fat or too thin?
> 
> ...




I love my husband and I am attracted to him. He looks exactly the same when I met him, I myself am the one who’s gained weight. He’s not a bad kisser either. It’s fine during sex if I’m into it. But after when he tries to I guess “love” on me after I feel weird. Which makes me feel guilty because He deserves love. We don’t really fight if we do we have small arguments but nothing serious. All of this started during my pregnancy of not wanting to be touched in anyway. We have a two year old. The only thing I can think that may cause this is past trauma. I was raped at 12. My teenage years on through college I had a high sex drive and dated men a lot older than me. Not crazy gross old, more like I was 21 dating 32 year olds. So my only thought is that with sex I want to feel in control and when he kisses me I don’t feel in control? Or after sex I feel weak with emotion? I want rough sex but nothing intimate. (This makes me feel terrible) He is very conservative in the bedroom and he’s a sweet man. So I don’t want to hurt his feelings by telling him what makes me comfortable in the bedroom because it’s not “vanilla.” I know this doesn’t make sense that’s why im seeking help. Also I’m only 25, I should have a healthy sex life.


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## WifeMom2020 (Apr 15, 2020)

Married_in_michigan said:


> is your post saying you are into sex, but the kissing part makes it feel to intimate, and you are looking more for carnal sex? Re-read the original post, and not sure it is clear. Is it specfically the kissing part that is an issue?


sorry my post is unclear. I have a lot of thoughts going at once. The kissing is fine if I want to do it but when I don’t it makes me feel almost violated. Like I’m not in control.


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## WifeMom2020 (Apr 15, 2020)

IndianApple said:


> This usually happens when you Siberia do not trust husband or have had any issues in the past. Random people coming in your dream is absolutely fine because you do not have control on your dream. But yes some how deep inside your heart you might be wanting to experience another Male and this is why they are in your dreams.
> 
> To save your marriage, ask yourself a question if you have 100% faith in your husband. Don’t reply instantly, try asking this question to yourself as there us definitely something that is bothering you.
> 
> ...


I love my husband and he’s the only man who’s ever treated me with 100% respect. He is faithful, a great husband, and a great father. I attempted to sleep with him early on in our relationship he turned me down and wanted to wait. He waited a month before kissing me and he didn’t kiss me until he formerly asked to date me. I never experienced a man that respected me physically and emotionally.He’s not the best at expressing his emotions though. Since we had our son (he’s two), I have found myself fixing my hair and make up more to try to get his attention. Which this does not work. I often take selfies and post on social media to feel pretty. These dreams come from ex's or strangers (who I’ve never slept with) liking my pictures. I’ll check the like status of my newest photo and whoever liked it seems to appear in my dreams. Every night is normally a different man. Even my ex husband and I promise I don’t think about him for fun. Is my husband not giving me attention causing me to seek other men in my dreams?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

WifeMom2020 said:


> I love my husband and I am attracted to him. He looks exactly the same when I met him, I myself am the one who’s gained weight. He’s not a bad kisser either. It’s fine during sex if I’m into it. But after when he tries to I guess “love” on me after I feel weird. Which makes me feel guilty because He deserves love. We don’t really fight if we do we have small arguments but nothing serious. All of this started during my pregnancy of not wanting to be touched in anyway. We have a two year old. The only thing I can think that may cause this is past trauma. I was raped at 12. My teenage years on through college I had a high sex drive and dated men a lot older than me. Not crazy gross old, more like I was 21 dating 32 year olds. So my only thought is that with sex I want to feel in control and when he kisses me I don’t feel in control? Or after sex I feel weak with emotion? I want rough sex but nothing intimate. (This makes me feel terrible) He is very conservative in the bedroom and he’s a sweet man. So I don’t want to hurt his feelings by telling him what makes me comfortable in the bedroom because it’s not “vanilla.” I know this doesn’t make sense that’s why im seeking help. Also I’m only 25, I should have a healthy sex life.


Ok, I am going to be honest with you. Have you have "EXTENSIVE" counseling about the rape/child abuse. And I want you to be honest. I am not talking about 2 months of counseling at the rape crisis center or something like that. I am talking about extensive counseling. 

Listen, a rape is a horrible trauma. A rape at 12 is even worse if anything can be worth. You really need someone that can really help you look at this. (I am guessing this is the root of the problem). 

Next, you cannot get into the trap of... I respect my husband, I don't want him to know what a bad girl I am, I don't want him to know that I like it rough, and all the other things you may tell yourself. 

If you like it rough, (and it is not unhealthy for you - Counseling!!!) then you have to set your husband down and tell him like it is. 

If he is appalled then he is not the man that you make him sound like he is, and he may not be the man for you. But if he is a wonderful as you say, he should be more than willing to learn what you want and adapt or give that to you. 

But remember, adapting to styles of sex goes both ways, if he is naturally sensual and gentle and he adapts to your style then you have to do that same for him sometimes. 

But is think your big issue is the CSA, Childhood Sexual Abuse. My guess is that it is affecting you even if you don't know it...


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## WifeMom2020 (Apr 15, 2020)

I have done counseling from 12 until 19. I went back to counseling right after I had my son for a few months. I was 23. It didn’t really seem to help because they wanted to talk about the actual event than the after math. Obviously it’s still holding onto me 13 years later. I think my husband would understand my sexual preferences I just find it embarrassing. He is not experienced in anything sexual. He had only been with three long term girlfriends one that he ended up marrying young. Does it seem that my sexual preferences and awkwardness of kissing stem from my childhood?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

WifeMom2020 said:


> I have done counseling from 12 until 19. I went back to counseling right after I had my son for a few months. I was 23. It didn’t really seem to help because they wanted to talk about the actual event than the after math. Obviously it’s still holding onto me 13 years later. I think my husband would understand my sexual preferences I just find it embarrassing. He is not experienced in anything sexual. He had only been with three long term girlfriends one that he ended up marrying young. Does it seem that my sexual preferences and awkwardness of kissing stem from my childhood?


So this thinking is a form of non-communication. It can also be called secret contracts which means you have all these things in your head, you make a contract for you but it involves your husband who know nothing about it. 

Also, keeping your preferences secret and feeling embarrassed about them can sometimes lead to some real dysfunction. Frankly, it also leads to cheating with some people because they can have rough sex or BDSM with a stranger but not with their spouse because they are embarrassed. 

You are really young so you may not understand this, but it is better to be an honest person ---- honest with ourselves, honest with our spouses, honest with other people --- it is better to be yourself not what you think other people want you to be. 

So you need to talk to your husband and be honest about what you like and teach him if need be. 

I dated a lot of women, so I had to learn a lot of styles, I am naturally a sensual gentle lover but I learned all the basic styles - rough sex, teasing sex, different types of spanking and other forms of BDSM and what not. Those things are not really my style but my "Style" is dictated by what my partner wants. I want to please her. 

Hell, my Fiancé, has several different styles - so I have to figure out what she wants at what point. 

Here is the deal, if he is a good guy, he should not be horrified that you like it rough. He should be more interested in pleasing you. 

Talk to him...


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## DTG (Mar 30, 2020)

WifeMom2020 said:


> I have done counseling from 12 until 19. I went back to counseling right after I had my son for a few months. I was 23. It didn’t really seem to help because they wanted to talk about the actual event than the after math. Obviously it’s still holding onto me 13 years later. I think my husband would understand my sexual preferences I just find it embarrassing. He is not experienced in anything sexual. He had only been with three long term girlfriends one that he ended up marrying young. Does it seem that my sexual preferences and awkwardness of kissing stem from my childhood?


Your honesty with yourself is massive in this. What your describing sounds very familiar. I cant really offer advice as im in the learning process myself with problems with a wife who has never dealt with her CSA and doesnt associate her now wayward and messed up actions with her past. Your preferences could well stem from childhood as my wife is exactly the same with her preferences. She talks openly about what she wants and with 0 experience I obliged. When you talk to your hubby he may be abit shocked but if you call it "passion" to begin with maybe it wont sound so bad.
All the best.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

If you don't tell him you're only putting him at a disadvantage as he keeps trying to figure out what's going on. It will show.

Are you sure he won't want to be rough with you or do you just want to believe he won't want to be rough with with you?

You'll never know unless you tell him.

If you don't tell him the whole thing will come out negatively elsewhere in the relationship.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

DTG said:


> Your honesty with yourself is massive in this. What your describing sounds very familiar. I cant really offer advice as im in the learning process myself with problems with a wife who has never dealt with her CSA and doesnt associate her now wayward and messed up actions with her past.


I was married to someone like @DTG describes his wife. My wife was an especially tough case because she deluded herself about how much it still affected her, even though it was more than 50 years in the past. She had, unfortunately, before she met me, gotten involved with a "name it and claim it" church who declared her "healed in the name of Jesus". She wasn't. Not even close. This "miracle" belief caused her to practice a delusion and a lie. I tried my best to show her the heresy of what she was taught, but she preferred denial.

I am not capable of offering you any sound advice upon how to treat your trauma. You will need professional practitioners for that. I can see remarkable similarities in how you describe yourself and my XW (died 2009), and wanted to encourage you that healing from this is available to you. You have made the all-important step.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

WifeMom2020 said:


> I have always had an extremely high sex drive. I’ve always liked to explore in the bedroom.


Awesome



WifeMom2020 said:


> But now in my second year of marriage I am becoming uncomfortable during sex while being kissed. After sex I feel so dislocated mentally I don’t want to be touched. But during sex, this is embarrassing, *but I want to be more rough than intimate*.


Nothing wrong here. 
If you want rough, then you need to work with your husband to teach him how to have rough sex.

Couple things here:
1) Self consciousness of your desire. It's okay to have the desire to have rough sex. 
Arm chair quarterbacking here, you will need to allow yourself to be okay with having this desire. 
I know, easier said than done.

2) Communication. You have to talk with your husband. And this can't be a case of "you're not fulfilling my desires". If he doesn't know about what you want and you expect him to be a mind reader, then he will fail. Talk with him about what you want and work into the actions you want him to perform. That way he can build confidence and you build another level of trust.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

A lot of repetition of much said here. You have to let him know how you feel. A good spouse will help you work through it, even if they don't know how. But at a minimum, encouraging and being willing to learn and adjust helping.

A few details from my perspective. First, present this as "hey I am realizing things about me that I didn't before. As I identify them, I will let you know. One so far is rough sex." Reword as you like. And this is the truth as best I gather from your posting. But presenting this as self discovery shows that you aren't hiding anything, save maybe from yourself.

As far as "rough sex" goes, you are going to have to define it, especially for him. Even if he is all for it, his idea of what rough sex includes might not match yours. So you need to talk it out as to what is and is not acceptable. The bigger question is BDSM an area you want to get into? As an educator in that area, there are some things you want to do, even with just the "mild" area of rough sex. Establish a safe word. A word that says, "hey things have gone wrong, stop!" and maybe one that says, "Hey this is going somewhere I'm not sure about. Let's pause a moment." the most common are Red and Yellow respectively. Yellow is also good for if you have to pause to make a position adjustment or something is close to a limit but not yet over it.

Find local BDSM or kink groups. Even being in a closed marriage, you can learn a lot from them. Plus having more experienced people to talk to, to help you understand what you are starting to explore is a good thing.

As far as therapy goes, Find someone who is going to help you with the aftermath, not the event itself, or both, if that is what you need. While they are the professional, if they don't listen to what you need, they are not good for you.

And ask questions. I and a couple of others here are versed in BDSM and the "non-vanilla" types of sex. We'll be happy to answer questions.

Good luck


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Do you find your husband sexually desirable? Did you pick him because of his safe and gentle nature? Many CSA survivors pick "safe" men who don't turn them on much. Then after a short period of marriage and having to have sex over and over with someone they don't find physically or sexually attractive, they find it difficult to be romantic with their husband. It takes 2 to resolve this. First, you have to be honest about how you feel about your husband. Second, your husband may have to learn how to adjust his sexual style away from the warm and tender and gentle and more toward the hot and rough and passionate. Both of you may have trouble adjusting to the other. That is the essence of marriage. Working through difficulties together. I hope you find a mutually satisfying resolution to this difficulty.


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