# response to a divorce request?



## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

If you served, or were served divorce papers, wouldnt you try to win your spouse back? Or if you were the one doing the serving, wouldn't you expect your SO to stop you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

When I served my ex, it wouldn't have mattered WHAT he did, I was DONE.

If, out the blue, someone walked in right now and served me on behalf of my current hubby, I'd be asking questions, but I certainly wouldn't go groveling.


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## MrsKeepTrying (Jul 31, 2012)

Divorce doesn't happen out of the clear blue sky. Something has to have happened over time to put the spouses in that "place". You don't just wake up one day and go "I'm divorcing my spouse." But if that did indeed happen, then yes, I'll try go figure out what went wrong and rectify it, if possible. If there's no hope, then sign the papers and go.

So to answer your question, in the words of my old college pyschology professor, "it depends".


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

No. I think that is playing games. Never once during my 24 years of marriage did I threaten divorce. I only filed when it was obvious that it was over. I don't think filing for divorce is a ploy to get someone back.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

curlysue321 said:


> No. I think that is playing games. Never once during my 24 years of marriage did I threaten divorce. I only filed when it was obvious that it was over. I don't think filing for divorce is a ploy to get someone back.


nor do I, however, I'm not certain my stbxw took me 100% seriously when I was telling her i was unsatisfied. Now, after we have begun the process, she's said absolutely mystifies me that she hasn't tried to stop it....

comes down to two things: either she doesn't care, or she wasn't really that into our marriage either... 

just odd is all... i thought i would have gotten a lot more protest than i have... not like that would change my mind at all, it's just not what i expected.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

She probably just figures that you are done... that's why you filed.

If you are at the point of not caring about the marriage... I guess she is too.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

mattyjman said:


> If you served, or were served divorce papers, wouldnt you try to win your spouse back? Or if you were the one doing the serving, wouldn't you expect your SO to stop you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Absolutely not! My ex was floored when I didn't try to win her back. My response to that was "I don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me. And if your willing to quit now, you'll never make it through the hard times."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> She probably just figures that you are done... that's why you filed.
> 
> If you are at the point of not caring about the marriage... I guess she is too.


right, but you hear (and read on here) all the time about people trying to win their SO back... i guess i had conjured up some thought process about what she would do and what i would say... all for nothing to happen... it's as if i was let down, which is weird...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

But you would go on with the divorce even if she said she did not want it?


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Sounds to me like you never really wanted to get divorced and you filed the papers as some sort of manipulative tactic so she'd change in some fashion that would be more to your liking.

It didn't happen so now you're like "WTF do I do now".

You played with fire, you got burned. 

If you want to reconcile with her then you're going to have to tell her that this is not what you want.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

kindi said:


> Sounds to me like you never really wanted to get divorced and you filed the papers as some sort of manipulative tactic so she'd change in some fashion that would be more to your liking.
> 
> It didn't happen so now you're like "WTF do I do now".
> 
> ...


:iagree: 

If you filed, don't care and doesn't matter what she does anymore, you're done with the marriage.

it's as if i was let down - Your quote, that means you still have feelings for her.


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## linwoodja (Aug 3, 2012)

Divorce doesn't happen out of the clear blue sky


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I would only serve my husband with divorce papers if we had decided to divorce, so no, I wouldn't expect him to try to stop me. It would be too late.

I wouldn't try to save a marriage after being served either, it wouldst be over so what would be the point?


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## Losing (Jul 30, 2012)

I'm dealing with this right now and I can tell you that if the people are still both in love and both want to be together at all there will definitely be a response to divorce request. 

Someone CAN be pushed so far that they threaten or even start divorce process but it isn't what they TRULY want. They may feel they have no choice! It's never too late to TRY and to show the person you still love them and want them. If it isn't reciprocated and they follow through with the divorce at least you put your intentions out there.

I'd be divorced UNHAPPILY right now if I didn't let my wife know that was NOT what I wanted.

If the person being served or advised of divorce does nothing then they want it too (or at least it appears that way)... my two cents


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

meh, i think think you guys misunderstood my post... i'm not serving her with hopes of her running back to me... quite the contrary, i want her gone so i can move on.

my question, and experience, was simply an observation of behavior. i thought it was odd that she hasn't fought it, which seemed cold to me. but either way, I'm not letting that dictate my course of action, nor did i do this to "win" her back - that's completely asinine.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

mattyjman said:


> meh, i think think you guys misunderstood my post... i'm not serving her with hopes of her running back to me... quite the contrary, i want her gone so i can move on.
> 
> my question, and experience, was simply an observation of behavior. i thought it was odd that she hasn't fought it, which seemed cold to me. but either way, I'm not letting that dictate my course of action, nor did i do this to "win" her back - that's completely asinine.


Maybe she thinks being served d papers is "cold."


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I was surprised my wife didn't put up more of a "fight" after I initiated our separation. But I was just as happy she didn't, as I had no plans to change my mind anyway.

She's actually pulled an almost perfect 180, and I'm pretty sure she doesn't know what that is. But that's just made it easier for me. Hopefully, it's also helped her move on quicker as well, as I only wish her well.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mattyjman said:


> meh, i think think you guys misunderstood my post... i'm not serving her with hopes of her running back to me... quite the contrary, i want her gone so i can move on.
> 
> my question, and experience, was simply an observation of behavior. i thought it was odd that she hasn't fought it, which seemed cold to me. but either way, I'm not letting that dictate my course of action, nor did i do this to "win" her back - that's completely asinine.


This reminds me of my husband's ex. She moved out and was living with her boyfriend 6 months before I met him. The divorce papers had even been filed.

When she found out that he met me and we were dating her comment was that she was shocked that he had moved on so quickly. :scratchhead:

You have filed for divorce but you want her to want you back? It's a silly thing a lot of people do. Why should she try to get you to change your mind when you clearly want to move on.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

mattyjman said:


> If you served, or were served divorce papers, wouldnt you try to win your spouse back? Or if you were the one doing the serving, wouldn't you expect your SO to stop you?


Not always. 

SOme people take it as a sign when being served that it's the end game. Adn they respond.

Or if someone serves they may mean it (what else would be the point of serving someone D papers)?

IMO, if you do something as major as serving someone with divorce papers, you better be 100% sure about it because there may be no turning back...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

curlysue321 said:


> No. I think that is playing games.


Agreed. I can't imagine anythin gmore insane that serving someone w/ divorce papers and then expecting them to grovel at your feet. That's a mindfvck. That's not how it works. Serving someone with D papers is MAJOR. Divorce means "Termination" of a marriage.



mattyjman said:


> my question, and experience, was simply an observation of behavior._ *i thought it was odd that she hasn't fought it, which seemed cold to me*_.


Say what??? I disagree here, Matt. 

I think i'ts much colder to servce someone w/ divorce papers & and expect them to cry and beg you to come back. That is pretty cold, IMO.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've known both men and women to contest a divorce. They didn't grovel or beg nor did they try to fix the marriage. I suspect they held out as some sort of legal strategy. Every spouse that held out got MORE than what they wanted in the divorce settlement. The one that filed eventually was ready to give them whatever they wanted just to be done with it.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

mattyjman said:


> meh, i think think you guys misunderstood my post... i'm not serving her with hopes of her running back to me... quite the contrary, i want her gone so i can move on.


I don't think anyone misunderstood your post. 

The appropriate response after serving someone with divorce papers and not getting an argument would be along the lines of "well, that's a relief, this should be a relatively fast and civil divorce and we can both move on with our lifes".

Instead, it's bothering the heck out of you that you haven't heard anything from her, that she doesn't seem to be the least bit bothered by it.



mattyjman said:


> nor did i do this to "win" her back - that's completely asinine.


You go so far as to post about it on an internet message board, and dispute the nearly dozen unique and independent replies you've gotten that are telling you that you don't seem to be in touch with your own feelings, you're getting defensive and out come the insults including calling people assinine for suggesting as much.



mattyjman said:


> my question, and experience, was simply an observation of behavior.


Right, you're suddenly into epidemiology and you're doing some sort of "human behavior study" and your soon to be exwife's behavior "does not compute with expected results" so you're doing an online survey to correlate your data for future analysis.

Got it.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

mattyjman said:


> If you served, or were served divorce papers, wouldnt you try to win your spouse back?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No way. Divide up all the marital property. Move into separate homes. If you want to pursue your ex after that, make sure you have an ironclad prenup


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> Maybe she thinks being served d papers is "cold."


well, it's not like she didn't have notice beforehand. but, yeah, she probably does. oh well.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

mattyjman said:


> If you served, or were served divorce papers, wouldnt you try to win your spouse back? Or if you were the one doing the serving, wouldn't you expect your SO to stop you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No. By the time it reaches a lawyer's office, IMO, the time for trying to fix the relationship is long gone. These things rarely come out of the blue...


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

kindi said:


> I don't think anyone misunderstood your post.
> 
> The appropriate response after serving someone with divorce papers and not getting an argument would be along the lines of "well, that's a relief, this should be a relatively fast and civil divorce and we can both move on with our lifes".
> 
> ...


wow... i've thought some of your posts in the past have been particularly insightful, but you read WAY too far into my comments... 

i love message boards, because people can take things totally out of context, and make it fit whatever scenario they see fit... in this case you thought i was calling other people on here asinine, because they were providing a converse thought than mine. However, what i said was, "nor did i do this to "win" her back - that's completely asinine." i.e. the concept that filing for divorce is a way to win someone back. 

you misread my posts, and then attack me because i have a different thought than you about something... thanks for you assessment of me and my situation - however I didn't ask for it. All I asked was a simple question in the beginning, interested in knowing how others have reacted to what I have just gone through. Nothing more, nothing less. Some times it's just simpler to take things in the context that they were given, and not read into them. that's my .02 cents for you


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

sounds like your ego is bruised she hasn't been trying to get you back like some others people's partners have when they have filed for a divorce


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