# His Resentment & My Guilt-please help



## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

I need some input and assistance, most likely from all you Loyal Husbands, but I welcome all who can be of help, regarding my husband's anger and resentment. He wants me to do something about it so that it can go away. 

Here's our background:
Dated four tumultuous years, 
got pregnant (me at 22, him 26), 
agreed to put all of our problems behind us and decided to become a family, 
had son, 
married when son was 18 months,
planned another baby, had a girl.

Let me just say at the outset, I have done some terrible things and hurt my husband badly. I am deeply regretful and am appalled at myself for my choices and wish I could take them back. If you are a LS and are taking the time to read this, I thank you, and am sorry if this is a trigger for you.

We've been married 10 years now. Last year I had a brief EA, DDay Sept 15. It followed my 6 month, or so, downward spiral of inappropriate language and behaviour, like admiring male celebrities in a vulgar way in front of others, and my DH confronted me about a few times. Evidently, I blew him off the first couple times, saying that everybody does it and to grow up, but at least once, I was understanding and wanted to improve. 
I really didn't, though, I got worse. I started spending more time at my girlfriend's house to plan a giant party for another friend. That friend's brother (OM) was involved in the party planning, too, and he was at gf's house a lot. Every time we got together to plan the party, it turned into a working party, lots of drinking, music, dancing. Needless to say, OM and I became more than just attracted to eachother, we started talking about it. A couple of weeks later, I typed a note that described how I felt for OM, that I was sad that we couldn't be together, but that I couldn't do that to my kids. My DH finding that note became DDay. 
For about two weeks, I denied being in love with OM, did the trickle truth thing, didn't break contact, and was insensitive to what my husband was going through. 
I finally straightened up. But the damage had been done.
There were the drunk fights where he called me names, then there was the make-up sex the next morning. He finally was able to stop lashing out, but he detached. We've been in limbo for most of these nine months, just going along to get along for the kids, and because DH is historically a sit-back-and-let-things-happen kind of guy. I asked (demanded ) for him to decide on a path, so that I knew what we were working toward. OH NO. He said our goal needed to be to save money for a divorce. I crumbled at the news. 
Here's where I need help: DH says that he can not get past his anger, resentment, and can not forgive unless we divorce and the betrayal is no longer an issue, and it's not fair for him to have to just get over it. I countered that we really didn't try. He is now open to improved communication, and trying things to see if these issues can be overcome.
*Do you guys know of ways that I can facilitate freeing this man of all of this negativity? * Currently, I have transparency, am in IC, I try my hardest to be understanding at all times, and other things that I think are helpful. 
As long as this is, I've left a lot out, so feel free to ask me to fill in any gaps.
Thank you.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

You will get a lot of good advice about the things you need to do to facilitate a reconciliation, etc, but I want you to keep one thing in mind:

You cannot make your husband get past his anger and resentment. Only he can do that. Those are his feelings and they are his to own, or to change. You can offer to participate in specific behaviors that may help him let go of anger and resentment, but at the end of the day, you cannot "free him" of negativity. Ball's in his court, emotionally.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

sayjellybeans said:


> Here's where I need help: DH says that he can not get past his anger, resentment, and can not forgive unless we divorce and the betrayal is no longer an issue, and it's not fair for him to have to just get over it. I countered that we really didn't try. He is now open to improved communication, and trying things to see if these issues can be overcome.
> *Do you guys know of ways that I can facilitate freeing this man of all of this negativity? * Currently, I have transparency, am in IC, I try my hardest to be understanding at all times, and other things that I think are helpful.
> As long as this is, I've left a lot out, so feel free to ask me to fill in any gaps.
> Thank you.


Let him go? Separate? Allow him the freedom to mend?

I realize that you do not want to hear this answer, but he did tell you that, in a sense, he wants some "space". If you truly want him to heal, give him some room to rediscover his feelings. He is deeply hurt and a bandage isn't enough. Time will heal his wounds, and he has already told you that he needs to be apart from you.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

From your post, I get the idea that you cheated on him multiple times, is this true?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

These things you did multiple time re: male celebrities, in public, what exactly are we talking about, in that he would have to call you out---this has all happened in the last year, so you are in your 30's, you can't use, being a teen-ager, and a young 20's for an excuse

You are a grown woman/wife/mother---what exactly set you off

Were you bored with your mge/lifestyle/H---what caused you to do these things---get into IC, and find out, and fix what caused your bad behavior

You have not cheated per se:---unless what you did was so atrocious, that your H., is not gonna get over it, You kind of sluffed off your EA, how bad was that situation.

Prove to him, as you go thru counseling, that you are not that, nor never will be that "woman" again---then go on a campaign to win him back

Go back to the days, when you were courting, and began to do those things, that won him over to you, in the first place---try to get him to go out on dates, YOU send HIM flowers, just go on a campaign to win him back, as if he was new in your life

But 1st you have to PROVE to him you have fixed your problem, and you will never be that "woman" again, who caused all of this mess!!!!!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You broke his trust and heart. 

For some people like your husband that isn't something they can get over. Once their heart is broken, it's broken.

You say it was an EA, but with many nights of drinking and partying. You husband is no doubt assuming you also had sex with the OM. He won't believe you didn't, especially after what you wrote to him.

So, you've got between now and the day the divorce papers are signed (not filed, but signed) to get him to trust you , and get him to love you again.

I'll tell you one clue: Issuing demands isn't going to do it. Right now your husband has no motivation to be with you. You broke his heart, you hurt him in the worse way possible for a man, and in your note you said you were only staying because of the children.

So ask yourself, right now, what reason does he have for staying with you? What reason have you given him? He looks at you and sees you being there only for the kids and not him.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I see that you are calling your little fling with the brother your EA---you were physical, maybe not finishing sex, but you more than likely did most everything else, so he sees EA/PA.

As I said above, get into counseling yourself, and fix whatever it is---that has wrecked your family---and from there all you can do is hope for the best

As to your H., he may have just had enuff, and no matter what you do, it will not win him back, you need to be prepared for that outcome---all you can do is try, to become the best wife/mother, you can be, and hope your H., will come around---to do this, you got to do ALL the heavy lifting, and give 100%.


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> Let him go? Separate? Allow him the freedom to mend?
> 
> I realize that you do not want to hear this answer, but he did tell you that, in a sense, he wants some "space". If you truly want him to heal, give him some room to rediscover his feelings. He is deeply hurt and a bandage isn't enough. Time will heal his wounds, and he has already told you that he needs to be apart from you.


You're probably right. He has detached from me and I don't even think he has those wounds anymore. Therefore all that's left is the resentment and anger.


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> From your post, I get the idea that you cheated on him multiple times, is this true?


Yes. Early in our courtship, when I was 18, I had a drunken night with an ex.


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You say it was an EA, but with many nights of drinking and partying. You husband is no doubt assuming you also had sex with the OM. He won't believe you didn't, especially after what you wrote to him.
> 
> So, you've got between now and the day the divorce papers are signed (not filed, but signed) to get him to trust you , and get him to love you again.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your thoughts.
As far as the question of it becoming physical, we were always with other people, or on messages or phone.

I agree with you on the demands. I have no right to do that to him. 

At this point, I do want to work it out for the kids, but I also love my husband, and I've told him, and I've tried to show him to the best of my ability.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

No Contact (NC). You cannot have ANY contact with any of the OM..ever. If they even send you a single text or email, you immediately show it to your Betrayed Husband (BH). It can be something a simple as "How are you?" "Are you ok?", etc. Any contact that you don't report is lying by omission and that is breaking NC. This means you MUST find another job as soon as possible. You cannot continue to work with either men.
Write a NC letter to both OM. Do this in front of your BH.
Write out a timeline of the affairs and show it to your BH. His mind is going crazy wondering how it started, why it started, what you did, how you did it, etc, etc. Writing out a timeline shows you're giving him full disclosure and easing his fears and his imagination.
If he continues to doubt you, offer to submit to a polygraph test to show you're not lying.
You must become completely transparent. This means handing over usernames/passwords to all accounts that you have, and be able to show him your cell phone. This is electronic transparency. DO NOT ever get defensive about showing him your phone or looking at your accounts. You have to be physically transparent as well. This means calling him as soon as you get to work, calling him during the day, and calling him before you go home to tell him you're on your way. Why the transparency? For two reasons: one, it's healthy to be open with your spouse. The second is that it helps rebuild trust. Trust is hard to build, but easy to destroy, and you destroyed it. Now it must be rebuilt. Part of the trauma of being betrayed is that he will be hypervigilant for a while, so you need to show that you want to earn back his trust.
Be compassionate toward his feelings. He is going to be on the emotional roller coaster and will be triggering constantly. One day he will seem needy and clingy, the next moment he doesn't want anything to do with you. Be compassionate for his feelings. You need to constantly convey to him how sorry you are. It will get old, but you need to do this. Anything, like seeing something on tv, or even for no reason, he will trigger and he will remember the affairs. Console and comfort him when he triggers.
Did I mention NC with OM? Can't stress that enough.

And the big one....

*No more Girls Night Out (GNO) for you...ever.*


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

jnj express said:


> I see that you are calling your little fling with the brother your EA---you were physical, maybe not finishing sex, but you more than likely did most everything else, so he sees EA/PA.
> 
> As I said above, get into counseling yourself, and fix whatever it is---that has wrecked your family---and from there all you can do is hope for the best
> 
> As to your H., he may have just had enuff, and no matter what you do, it will not win him back, you need to be prepared for that outcome---all you can do is try, to become the best wife/mother, you can be, and hope your H., will come around---to do this, you got to do ALL the heavy lifting, and give 100%.


I appreciate you taking the time to say these things to me. 
The OM and I were not physical. The friends we were hanging out with would not have tolerated it. I don't know if I would have stopped myself, however, if we ever hung out in private.
I have been in counseling for almost five months to try to break old patterns and be the best person for my family and myself.
Being prepared for the worst is something I am having a lot of trouble with right now, but I know I need to do it. How?
I'd also like to know your perspective on the heavy lifting. What does that mean, really? I'm completely willing, and could use some more ideas on what to do.


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

Thanks everybody. Much against my desires, I guess I need to move my issues to the "considering separation or divorce" section.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> I countered that we really didn't try.


WE didn't really try?

I think you have half of that right. Guess which half?

You seem to still want your husband to "get over it."

A lot of cheating spouses want their betrayed other half to "just get over it."

I wonder just exactly what this "it" that they magically want or demand their betrayed spouses to "just get over" is?


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> WE didn't really try?
> 
> I think you have half of that right. Guess which half?
> 
> ...


I respect what you're saying. This exact thing has come up and it confuses me, and I want to correct my thinking on it.

I don't expect him to just get over it. Does asking him to work on things mean that I do? Maybe I'm too simple, but I've offered to do anything to help him with his resentment thinking that I could help him heal. I've offered to move out even, although I'm grateful he hasn't taken me up on it yet. (I did start that thread in the considering divorce section, if you want to take a look).
You have really piqued my interest with what you've said. Would you care to tell me more so I can understand? I really am perplexed as to why my suggesting that we don't just sit back and wait for the big D, and instead explore the possiblitly of taking a step toward recovery.
Please forgive me if the answer is blindingly obvious and can't see it (completely sincere here).
Thank you.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

What have you been doing sayjelly? You are the one who broke the trust, what have you done to fix that? What have you done to prove to your H that he means the world to you? Or have you been waiting for HIM to start doing it? That more than likely will not happen.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Everyone is here more or less because they were cheated on. Or because they cheated on their spouse. Some of us are here because we were cheated on and then cheated ourselves. (Have to put my hand up for that.  )

My situation is different from that of your husband. My wife told me she was going to cheat on me. 

I can only imagine the pain that your husband went through when he found the note. You broke his heart.

Have you considered counselling as a couple?

There's no way you can make your husband feel better about it, if he doesn't want to. From what you say, it looks like it might have been the last straw that broke the camel's back.

If he believes the only thing that will make him feel whole again is a divorce, well, he might be wrong, but it is his prerogative.

Does he know about TAM? Might be worth inviting him here. It could help him, as it has helped other couples at TAM.


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

DawnD said:


> What have you been doing sayjelly? You are the one who broke the trust, what have you done to fix that? What have you done to prove to your H that he means the world to you? Or have you been waiting for HIM to start doing it? That more than likely will not happen.


NC, obviously. I'm completely transparent. I have stopped hanging out with those friends who were friends with the OM. I have continued to be affectionate with him. I have been patient while we go through financial troubles so that he can chase a dream, and I've been working more to try to pay the bills (not doing great at that) 

Seriously, ya'll, he just doesn't want to work on resentment while in the marriage. Actually, he doesn't think it's possible. When I posted this thread, I was confused about what he meant when he said that he would stay open to possibilities. 

If anyone has anything else to add, though, I'll gladly hear it.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

sayjellybeans said:


> NC, obviously. I'm completely transparent. I have stopped hanging out with those friends who were friends with the OM. I have continued to be affectionate with him. I have been patient while we go through financial troubles so that he can chase a dream, and I've been working more to try to pay the bills (not doing great at that)
> 
> Seriously, ya'll, he just doesn't want to work on resentment while in the marriage. Actually, he doesn't think it's possible. When I posted this thread, I was confused about what he meant when he said that he would stay open to possibilities.
> 
> If anyone has anything else to add, though, I'll gladly hear it.


I gotta be honest with you here. You sound just like my wife, who said the exact same words... "just for the kids".

That is about the worst thing you can tell your partner for life. You need to take a walk in his shoes and really feel the pain and humiliation in that statement.

THEN you got to pull off the largest brainstorming event of the world to get creative ideas on how to make up for that blunder. You must be really creative and show him each and every day, that you didn't mean that... if that is the case, that is...?

From your writing I sense, I may be wrong, that you look at this as it is some technical error fixing stuff "bills... money... stopped seing.... yada yada".

You need to hit your emotional level in order to sort this out, and you better hurry.


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

cpacan said:


> I gotta be honest with you here. You sound just like my wife, who said the exact same words... "just for the kids".
> 
> That is about the worst thing you can tell your partner for life. You need to take a walk in his shoes and really feel the pain and humiliation in that statement.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry to say that it took me a while to be able to empathize with my husband. But I do now, and it kills me every day. 

Creativity: I don't have it. I look to literature and places like this to problem solve. I would do anything, though. Any ideas? You seem to think that there's something I can still do despite the end of my post that you quoted. Let me reiterate that H can see no way of overcoming all this resentment (and he was just specific that it was resentment for my lack of integrity that led to my betrayal) while still married to me. He says that is the only way, other than to not have integrity himself and conduct himself without consideration to me, which he's not willing to do. Those two ways... that's it. It's his brain and heart, but I'm having trouble accepting that there aren't other avenues to overcoming resentment. What do you think? 
And no, I didn't really mean it. 

As for technical vs emotional, I have poured out my heart to him repeatedly. Is this what you had in mind?

Thank you so much.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

sayjellybeans said:


> I'm sorry to say that it took me a while to be able to empathize with my husband. But I do now, and it kills me every day.
> 
> Creativity: I don't have it. I look to literature and places like this to problem solve. I would do anything, though. Any ideas? You seem to think that there's something I can still do despite the end of my post that you quoted. Let me reiterate that H can see no way of overcoming all this resentment (and he was just specific that it was resentment for my lack of integrity that led to my betrayal) while still married to me. He says that is the only way, other than to not have integrity himself and conduct himself without consideration to me, which he's not willing to do. Those two ways... that's it. It's his brain and heart, but I'm having trouble accepting that there aren't other avenues to overcoming resentment. What do you think?
> And no, I didn't really mean it.
> ...


Okay, let me hint you a bit, but you have to apply these to your own situation, since I don't know you two.

Think deap, use your imagination now. By accident you listen to your husband on the phone. He tells a friend of his, that he is with you just because of the money/shared mortgage, and that once you are beyond yor debts, he will be through with you. You confront him and he says "well, I didn't really mean it".

How do you imagine him convincing you that this is the truth?? Tough one, isn't it? You have to think hard to solve this if possible at all.

Only thing that I can think of is, that you and your husband take a deap talk about this episode and your relationship in general. Your job is to convince him, that you were wrong to state this to a stranger. And tell him about the real reasons, all your inner thoughts when you wrote the note - what were you thinking, why? You need to convince him, that you do see where and exactly how you were wrong. And that you have learned from your "mistake" and that you intend to make it right and improve yourself.

You must let him feel to his bone, that you are genuine in your regrets and remorse.

Now, this is not going to be easy, and you will need more actions than these, you are probably not going to like it(?) so you will just have to suck it up.

So; maybe you should do first things first: Ask yourself if you are in or on your way out.

This may not do the trick anyhow, but it is actions like these I would have liked to see from my wife.

Now, you go and be creative, you will definitely need it.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

From what I get you are remorseful and willing to to do whatever it takes to fix things BUT sometimes it's just not enough...


> Let me reiterate that H can see no way of overcoming all this resentment (and he was just specific that it was resentment for my lack of integrity that led to my betrayal) while still married to me. He says that is the only way, other than to not have integrity himself and conduct himself without consideration to me, which he's not willing to do. Those two ways... that's it. It's his brain and heart, but I'm having trouble accepting that there aren't other avenues to overcoming resentment. What do you think?


I understand, I think. What I get from this is he thinks no amount of remorse and love would fix it. It's a *dealbreaker* for your husband. He's puting it crystal clear. It goes against his core values to stay married with you, in his mindset staying would be lacking of self respect . He's so angry, beyond the obvious betrayal, becouse he feels he MUST divorce you in order to regain self respect but he's trapped due bad finances, unable to make the choice his mind asks to recover his dignity. It happens, many times. Other betrayed feel it's not a dealbreaker, dont think staying is against his values and chose reconciliation - proven their waywards are remorseful and make the heavy lefting - wich is very hard but with the help of their waywards they finnaly find their way to overcome the resentment. For this type there're tools to get through it. I asume something like this is what you ask for him to consider:
3 Ways to Erase Post-Affair Anger
Cheated On, Tortured by Images
Feeding the Affair-Image Beast
Erase Obsessive Affair Images (in 30 Minutes)


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

Acabado said:


> For this type there're tools to get through it. I asume something like this is what you ask for him to consider:
> 3 Ways to Erase Post-Affair Anger
> Cheated On, Tortured by Images
> Feeding the Affair-Image Beast
> Erase Obsessive Affair Images (in 30 Minutes)


He does not believe in psychotherapy, which include MC and books written by people in that field. He's had only negative experiences where that's concerned. Do you think that me reading these suggestions could help me/us? 
Your other insights are dead on, I believe. Thank you for contributing.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

SJB, these are the consequences of your actions. You really need to let your husband decide whats best for him here. Its not about you now, its about him. Wouldn't you want him to be happy in the future? If divorcing you and finding someone loyal and faithful to him is the way to go about I'd just accept the situation. As I said, its upto him to decide whats best and if he's gunning for a divorce you should accept it and learn from your mistakes and move on


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> SJB, these are the consequences of your actions. You really need to let your husband decide whats best for him here. Its not about you now, its about him. Wouldn't you want him to be happy in the future? If divorcing you and finding someone loyal and faithful to him is the way to go about I'd just accept the situation. As I said, its upto him to decide whats best and if he's gunning for a divorce you should accept it and learn from your mistakes and move on


Are you suggesting that while he decides, I don't attempt to fix what I broke in our family? It seems too early to give up, only 9 months after DDay, especially when we still love eachother and have young children.
That being said, I do want to accept it and give him peace. I have a thread in the considering seperation and divorce section. (no one is replying, though.)
I appreciate the reminder to not be selfish.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

OP, it takes two to fix a relationship sjb, 9 months may seem early but if he's still giving you the cold shoulder and from the looks of it he's already saving up for a divorce meaning he's already made a decision. 
Fight for the marriage by all means, but show it through your actions words are empty, if your vows meant nothing I don't believe any amount of sorry and It won't happen again are going to clean this mess.
Show him through your actions that you really love him. Give him access to all your email accounts, let him know where you are at all times and show him that you're willing to put his needs above your own for a while and writing a sincere apology letter clearly stating your feelings for him and how your bad choice wounded him and that you are willing to let him decide whats best, also ask him to not keep you hanging because you want whats best for him

No one ever said this was easy OP but you made your bed you have to lie in it now


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sayjellybeans said:


> Are you suggesting that while he decides, I don't attempt to fix what I broke in our family? It seems too early to give up, only 9 months after DDay, especially when we still love eachother and have young children.
> That being said, I do want to accept it and give him peace. I have a thread in the considering seperation and divorce section. (no one is replying, though.)
> I appreciate the reminder to not be selfish.


Just be there for him. Don't smother him, but be his wife and the co-parent for your and his children.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

sayjellybeans said:


> Are you suggesting that while he decides, I don't attempt to fix what I broke in our family? It seems too early to give up, only 9 months after DDay, especially when we still love eachother and have young children.
> That being said, I do want to accept it and give him peace. I have a thread in the considering seperation and divorce section. (no one is replying, though.)
> I appreciate the reminder to not be selfish.


Well he might be done because he doesn't THINK that you can change or regret. My take still is, that your only chance is to show him that you are capable of just that.

People do from time to time things that are against their core values. That is one of the reasons why many WS are in pain or go as far as develop PD.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

sayjellybeans said:


> Are you suggesting that while he decides, I don't attempt to fix what I broke in our family? It seems too early to give up, only 9 months after DDay, especially when we still love eachother and have young children.
> That being said, I do want to accept it and give him peace. I have a thread in the considering seperation and divorce section. (no one is replying, though.)
> I appreciate the reminder to not be selfish.




Your attempt to fix is commendable. 

The divorce paper has not been filed. You still have time to work on it till the divorce decree.

Does he know you are in IC trying to fix yourself? Do you think the IC is working? If not, find a new one.

Be there for him. Give him complete transparency. Let him have full access to your PC, cell phones, etc.

Show true remorse. PM lordmayhem for his list of what remorse is.

Do not trickle truth him. Tell him the truth. If you dont know how to answer his question, let him know why you cant.

The best thing you can do for him is to improve and work on yourself.


Hopefully your actions and substantial changes may be enough for him to forgive you and to stop detaching himself from you.


Just some ideas...


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## Going Mental (Apr 8, 2012)

sayjellybeans, you know what? Ok you messed up big time. That's going to be yours to own. BUT it now takes 2 to repair this marriage. If your H isn't willing to do MC, you have to accept it as it is. He is making a massive statement that he has reached the end. 

The positive you need to take out of this is that while you have made massive mistakes and possibly lost a marriage, you are making every attempt to repair the damage done.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

sayjellybeans

If you really love him and want him back then your actions will say so much more than your words.

You have to show him that you love him and your family.

You have to show him that he is the only man for you.

You have to show him that you do not want a separation or a divorce.

You have to show him that you will not ever be weak again, that you have put the proper boundaries in place to protect your marriage in the future.

Do not separate. Do not leave the home. Take every minute that you are together and make it count.

Let him know how you feel. But do not plead, show him calm strength. It is ok to let him know that you screwed up. But also let him know you learned a very valuable lesson. And you will not a 3rd party ever interfere with your marriage.

And if he will not go to MC with you ask him if he will join you on TAM. Ask him to read your thread and post.

It might the only counselling or advice he will get that is not tainted in his mind.

Good Luck and fight for your marriage. Not your kids or lifestyle but your husband and marriage.

HM64


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

I have very little hope. I am trying to be realistic while making a plan to do all I can to prevent D. 
However... 
All of your support has helped so much already and I've only been here a day and a half. I am grateful that you've taken the time to read and try to understand my particular situation. I'm an emotional wreck right now, but even if I wasn't, your words have moved me to tears every time. Thank you.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

sayjellybeans said:


> I have very little hope. I am trying to be realistic while making a plan to do all I can to prevent D.
> However...
> All of your support has helped so much already and I've only been here a day and a half. I am grateful that you've taken the time to read and try to understand my particular situation. I'm an emotional wreck right now, but even if I wasn't, your words have moved me to tears every time. Thank you.


You have to give it your best shot. Even though you cheated, there is a chance for you to help fix this. It sounds like you're remorseful, that's a good first step. Don't give up!


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

sayjellybeans said:


> I have very little hope. I am trying to be realistic while making a plan to do all I can to prevent D.
> However...
> All of your support has helped so much already and I've only been here a day and a half. I am grateful that you've taken the time to read and try to understand my particular situation. I'm an emotional wreck right now, but even if I wasn't, your words have moved me to tears every time. Thank you.



You're nothing if not polite. Somebody raised you well.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

*Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.* 
The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand. 

*YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT*. 
They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible. 

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent? 

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?” 
The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse? 
Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.) 
But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery. 
*So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts: 
What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event. 

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal. 

You can be a positive influence on their recovery. 
Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue. 
Your first mission is to learn. 
*
Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through 
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time. 
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.” 
Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly. 
*SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS *
*DISBELIEF*: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.) 
*SHOCK*: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives. 
*REALITY*: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help. 
*CONFUSION*: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.) 
*PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS*: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.” 
*CRYING*: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.) 
*SELF-CONTROL*: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial. 
*NEED TO KNOW*: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it. 
Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful. 
*WHY*: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again. 
*INJUSTICE*: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.” 
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?” 
A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.) 
*INADEQUACY*: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more. 
*REPEATING*: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again. 
*IDEALIZING*: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner. 
*FRUSTRATION*: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others. 
*BITTERNESS*: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal. 
*WAITING*: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life. 
*EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT*: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking. 
*TRIGGERS*: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating. 
Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are. 

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again. 
It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time. 

*SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS? *
Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly. 
This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means *NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER*. 
*
GET INTO THERAPY*: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it. 
*APOLOGIZE*: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. 
*REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER*: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them. 
*HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING*: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency. 

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately. 
The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time. 
*SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM*: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again. 
*PHYSICAL CONTACT*: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want. 
*SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME*: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too. 
*LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT*: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you. 
*HERE’S A GREAT TIP*: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.” 
These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect 
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most 
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components: 
A statement of gratitude. 

An expression of your love. 
An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain. 
An admission that you caused their pain. 
An expression of your sense of shame. 
A promise that it will never happen again 
Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own. 

*SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS? *
HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care 
for others. 
*COMMITMENT*: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life. 
*SEEKING*: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They 
begin exploring new involvements. 
*PEACE*: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future. 
*LIFE OPENS UP*: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy. 
*FORGIVENESS*: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always. 
*Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly! 
*


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

Acabado said:


> *Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.*
> The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.
> 
> *YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.*.
> ...


If only I'd had this months ago. I'll still employ everything that I'm not already. Thank you for this valuable info.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

sayjellybeans said:


> Yes. Early in our courtship, when I was 18, I had a drunken night with an ex.


Twice may be too much for him.
Some very loving, forgiving , empathetic, caring folks do not get past this like they do other transgressions.
Fact is , very few marriages/relationships recover from infidelity, let alone multiple betrayals.


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

BigLiam said:


> Twice may be too much for him.
> Some very loving, forgiving , empathetic, caring folks do not get past this like they do other transgressions.
> Fact is , very few marriages/relationships recover from infidelity, let alone multiple betrayals.


I fear that you are correct.


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

This may be a weird thing, and I'm not sure if it's appropriate... I know you guys will definitely tell me. 
I've written a letter to my BH. I'm afraid I've left something out, or that I'm coming off as self-congratulatory, or rug-sweeping, or anything negative. I'm wondering if a quick read through on PM to a couple of you BS's would be in poor taste. I kind of think yes, but I'm so anxious that I'm going to do _another_ thing wrong.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

What's the premise of the letter? That you've changed, last ditch attempt to reconcile or an apology?


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

Complexity said:


> What's the premise of the letter? That you've changed, last ditch attempt to reconcile or an apology?


Yes, yes, and yes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

sayjellybeans said:


> Yes, yes, and yes.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok perhaps you could PM moxy, she's masterful with words and a BS

Talk About Marriage - View Profile: moxy


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

sayjellybeans said:


> I fear that you are correct.


Sucks, but the stats are really stacked against you. Good luck.

BTW, what is it about cheating you found so attractive?


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

Complexity: I appreciate the suggestion. It's too late, though. I'm just going to give it to him tomorrow. 
BigLiam: thank you for the good luck. I've got to go to bed right now. I'll address your question tomorrow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sayjellybeans said:


> Complexity: I appreciate the suggestion. It's too late, though. I'm just going to give it to him tomorrow.
> BigLiam: thank you for the good luck. I've got to go to bed right now. I'll address your question tomorrow.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hope it works out for the both of you.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> SJB, these are the consequences of your actions. You really need to let your husband decide whats best for him here. Its not about you now, its about him. Wouldn't you want him to be happy in the future? If divorcing you and finding someone loyal and faithful to him is the way to go about I'd just accept the situation. As I said, its upto him to decide whats best and if he's gunning for a divorce you should accept it and learn from your mistakes and move on


Yes. I agree. Let him go so he can be happy. I have filed for divorce so that my husband can be happy. 

He claims he does not want the divorce but right after DDay, he had so many complaints about me and blamed me so much that I think he would be happier without me. 

His reasons for the affair was that I did not like to go out to nightclubs as often as his OW or travel as much ( like every weekend) or that I was too worried about him taking his motorcycle on long trips. He said I worried about him like his mother. 

He further said she was fun and I was intellectual. 

He said I was his wife and he loved me like a wife and sister. She was his lover. I was not and he could never see me as a lover again. 

So, why does he want to stay with me? Is it the expense of a divorce or because he wants his cake and eat it too. 

You know he wants both, a stable supportive wife at home who worries about his finances and health and takes care of him and the sl*&t who cheats on her own faithful husband for similar immature reasons, and who has wild sex with strangers in night club bathrooms and the club parking lot (those are the rumors about the OW around town). She also spends her loyal husbands money like it grows on trees. She is also talking of leaving him because he is not earning as much as he used to.

I am filing because I want my husband to live the life he wants. 

The OW and him deserve each other. But he does not really want her full time.

Also, I filed because of the things he said to me, about her after DDay. He actually insisted she was a nice person. Huh!

Anyway, I am insecure about him cheating again. So I want to be happy and secure to and letting him go will accomplish that.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Good luck jelly
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

BigLiam said:


> Twice may be too much for him.
> Some very loving, forgiving , empathetic, caring folks do not get past this like they do other transgressions.
> Fact is , very few marriages/relationships recover from infidelity, let alone multiple betrayals.


Yes. Liam is accurate. 

Cheating is difficult to recover from but serial cheating is the worst. It shows a pattern and a compulsion. 

Also, a lot of counselors and websites claim the marriage can be better after an affair. Huh! On what planet do they live?

As Liam has posted, usually those people are making money off of holding out the hope through counseling or some other for profit method of recovery. 

The fact is that after an infidelity the vows are broken and they can never be unbroken. 

The marriage will forever be tainted by the affair. 

The loyal spouse forever loses their feeling of holding a special place in the heart of the cheater. 

I don't think anyone ever fully recovers from that loss.

In addition, the loyal spouse forever has to worry that any time another person wiggles their butt at the cheater, they will take the bait. 

In my STBEH case, based on the emails I saw, the OW was really the one pushing for sex and possibly marriage.

She was the one who made all the first moves, still......

Also, breaking the vows changes the rules of the game for the betrayed spouse. It makes it more difficult for them to take their own vows seriously again.

If I stayed married, IMO, I will forever be vulnerable to someone who makes me feel loved and special in the exclusive way two married people vow to love each other. 

I would not have an affair, I would simply divorce my spouse at that point. But why wait. I figured better to divorce now.

I read somewhere there is a monogamy gene and a cheater gene. 

That scares me, too. I know I have the monogamy gene and obviously my spouse does not.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

sayjellybeans said:


> BigLiam: thank you for the good luck. I've got to go to bed right now. I'll address your question tomorrow.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes. I am curious about your answer to this question. 

I get all sorts of weird answers from my STBEH that he has now retracted. 

So I am curious about what the allure of the affair was. 

I have never been tempted to have one, although there is frequently opportunity. 

It just seems to sleazy to me to betray a spouse just to have sex with someone new. 

I knew I would be giving that up when I got married.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

The issue I would have in remaining in a marriage to a cheater is much like Sara's. I would not want to be with somone who I cannot trust and who I feel is remaining in the marriage or staying faithful due to fear of consequences or logitical reasons, like finances or kids.
By cheating, you have demonstrated to your spouse that you do not love him exclusively(romantically, that is). And, I think many of us are hardwired to want that type of exclusivity from our mate.
Your H now has profof positive that you do not have that type of love for him. I imagine he wants someone who does(wouldn't you?).


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

Sara & BL, Your questions and comments are very thought-provoking, sorry I haven't replied yet. We've been busy. Also H made a few comments about me being on here. He probably doesn't care whether or not I'm here, he just seems disdainful of it. I'll be back ASAP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

Well, it's a different world over here. For those who are interested in weighing in, I have a new post in the private section, has the word highway in the title. That forum seems to get less traffic, so I thought I'd let you know. Thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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