# Would you care if your spouse slept with same sex?



## 305rob305 (Jun 4, 2013)

Guys, has your wife "been" with another woman before you met her? If yes, did it shock you when she told you the first time? Do you think about now once in a while? How do you feel about it? 

Ive been with my wife for 8 years and she is a great woman that I love. When we first started dating she told me she slept with another woman one tine to experiment. She told me that even though it wasnt horrible because women have a more sensitive touch, she wont ever do it again because it just felt wrong. 

I didnt have any problem with this and we left at that. Once in a while I get those images in my head and they bother. I would like to ask her details cause its kind of sexy but I dont want her to relive that time.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I have been with another woman, and it wasn't all that... 

I wouldn't "relive" it if my husband asked for more details, unless he was wanting me to basically re-enact it verbally. You sound like you want her to build a fantasy for you without actually remembering the details it would take to build one, though, which would be tough to do!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

She kissed a girl, and didn't like it. Basically, it does nothing for her either way, even when we've tried threesomes and foursomes.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

That is a bridge I don't think I'll ever have to cross. My wife never did that and has absolutely no desire to. Unless she gets hit on by JLo, which I doubt will ever happen.


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## LoveLonely (Dec 8, 2013)

305rob305 said:


> Once in a while I get those images in my head and they bother.


I have a great deal to say. But first, can you tell me more about this?


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## 305rob305 (Jun 4, 2013)

*Re: Re: Would you care if your spouse slept with same sex?*



LoveLonely said:


> I have a great deal to say. But first, can you tell me more about this?


Well im a sex freak so this is sexy but not with my wife. I dont want images of my wife with another woman in my head. Like I said, these thoughts just come once in a while


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

I used to think it would be unbelievably hot to see my wife with another woman. But that's when I was delusional and not fully understanding that real life is far different than reality. I'm glad it never happened and I've now told my wife if it ever did, I'm gone.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

It happened before you were together and she has no wish to ever do it again. I would just let it go as its no threat to your relationship. Dwelling on it might cause more trouble than you want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 305rob305 (Jun 4, 2013)

*Re: Re: Would you care if your spouse slept with same sex?*



Rayloveshiswife said:


> It happened before you were together and she has no wish to ever do it again. I would just let it go as its no threat to your relationship. Dwelling on it might cause more trouble than you want.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you ray


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It bothered me that my wife was with a girl, especially since we were still married and I didn't have a clue.

The story goes, some guy invited Mrs.the-guy to an after party and she invited some girl that was hitting on her. When it started to go ora(l the guy wanted to watch)...but believe or not it felt wrong LOL so she bailed and let the other two have at it.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

305rob305 said:


> Well im a sex freak so this is sexy but not with my wife. I dont want images of my wife with another woman in my head. Like I said, these thoughts just come once in a while


Why do you call yourself a sex freak? It is very common for ALL of us to have wild fantasies. I do think it is more common for men to imagine a MFF, but not so much with a MMF. I have kissed other women and had women kiss me and lick my chest....., of course their was drinking involved, but we are all happily married and laughed about it later. 

Don't have your wife reiterate the story, it will make her out to be a sex object in her mind. Appreciate her honesty and fantasize about it in your head ALONE.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

yes.

if she told be before marriage and I married her anyway shame on me if she told me after then shame on her.

just not my thing I like straight women.


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## 12345Person (Dec 8, 2013)

It wouldn't bother me, but he's not interested, as far I know.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

I was with a woman once with my man knowing. It wasn't what I imagined it to be...just a giant let down. He didn't care and didn't ask details, so I don't think it bothered him. Just my experience.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

my wife had an emotional affair with another woman after we got married... to be honest with you, the part that bothered me the most was the amount of time she spent with her leading up to the night it went physical(other woman got her stupid drunk while i was working).

for some reason, it was a hell of a lot easier for me to forgive her for the physical part because it was another woman. if it were another man, my jealousies would have probably made it quite a bit harder.

of course, my wife did everything right after the night of drunkeness. immediately broke all contact, made her self completely transparent to me, etc. etc.

to be honest, its a fantasy of mine. i keep it as a fantasy though. the other woman in my wifes case even offered to include me, but at the time i knew that my wife and i were nowhere near as strong as we needed to be. i dont think we would have survived it if we went down that road.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

305rob305 said:


> I didnt have any problem with this and we left at that. Once in a while I get those images in my head and they bother. *I would like to ask her details cause its kind of sexy *but I dont want her to relive that time.





305rob305 said:


> Well im a sex freak so this is sexy but not with my wife. *I dont want images of my wife with another woman in my head.* Like I said, these thoughts just come once in a while


Then please don't ask her for details!


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## daysgoneby (Aug 31, 2013)

No, my wife hasn't slept with another women but she did say she would with Angelina Jolie if given the chance.


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## daSaint (Sep 20, 2013)

i'm waiting to hear the ladies reaction to whether they would care if their husband/SO slept with another man
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I think our 'right' to know our partner's sexual history shouldn't include details. I have no desire to know the intimate details of my SO's previous sex life, and I have no wish to remember or recount mine.

When I first met my SO he gave me a little too much information about his, and it didn't go well. I'm not a jealous person, but I do have a _very _vivid imagination and could have done without those mind movies!


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

My wife has slept with a woman. She says she didn't care for it. She said she would still enjoy kissing and/or making out with a woman, though.

Doesn't bother me a lick.

You may be surprised at what you hear about women's reaction to their H's sleeping with another man, depending on who chimes into this thread.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

305rob305 said:


> Well im a sex freak so this is sexy but not with my wife. I dont want images of my wife with another woman in my head. Like I said, these thoughts just come once in a while


Live with someone long enough and you'll have thoughts about carving them up into little bits and burying the pieces around your property. So I've heard. Doesn't mean you'll do it.

You realize that your thoughts and your reaction to them are your responsibility, right? To react to as you deem appropriately, correct? And that she has no control nor input to this process as long as she isn't pouring salt into the wound?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I guess I'm in the minority. If I was married and I was twice, and found out that my wife had an affair with another woman, to me it would be no different if it was a man. Cheating is cheating and there's no excuse for it. Cheating always was and will be a deal breaker for me.

If somehow I found out that before we were married that she slept with a woman, I would always wonder if the urge reared it's ugly head if she would go behind my back and do it and hope I didn't find out. That's just me and I would never put down anyone else who thinks different then the way I do.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

6301 said:


> I guess I'm in the minority. If I was married and I was twice, and found out that my wife had an affair with another woman, to me it would be no different if it was a man. Cheating is cheating and there's no excuse for it. Cheating always was and will be a deal breaker for me.
> 
> If somehow I found out that before we were married that she slept with a woman, I would always wonder if the urge reared it's ugly head if she would go behind my back and do it and hope I didn't find out. That's just me and I would never put down anyone else who thinks different then the way I do.


My W did cheat on me with a woman, and trust me, it still sucks, and worse in some ways. In fact it kinda kills any MFF fantasies you may have ever had, and it also unequivocally answers the question of what a man would do if he walked in on his W in bed with another woman (although that's not how I found out).

As far as fear that my W would ever have the desire to sleep with another woman and therefore cheat on me again, I don't worry about that. I've actually talked to several married bisexual women about that specific fear, and they all say the same thing: Cheater's gonna cheat irrespective of gender of the AP. Bisexual people can have integrity and control themselves just like completely straight and completely gay folks.

However the OP specifically said "before you met her", so Idk if he was really asking about cheating.


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

daSaint said:


> i'm waiting to hear the ladies reaction to whether they would care if their husband/SO slept with another man
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My SO's ex before me is a guy... he dated three or four of them in the years prior to meeting me. When we met, he told me he identified as bi. 

It did bother me at first. I considered SO just a friend that I'd never consider dating, but as I got to know him better and realized we were really compatible as a couple, it was just a detail that didn't matter anymore, and still doesn't.


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## LoveLonely (Dec 8, 2013)

Everyone's situation is different. My SO is bisexual. Yet, as many can understand, that is just a category. For straight people, it says enough in certain contexts. In the end though, it is just a label that gets one in the right ballpark. After that, labels aren't much help.

Many many (and some women too) feel that such a situation would be amazing. Well, when you are in a situation with someone you deeply love, everything can change. Every single thing I felt, my fiance admitted that she would feel too if the tables were turned. That created a great deal of empathy, and a comfort level in spending 1,000's of hours and countless sleepless nights talking, discussing, listening, learning, etc.

For my situation, I just wasn't going to be okay with it. No one was at fault, it is just people having different needs. She understood because she could also see that SHE wouldn't be okay with it either if the tables were turned.

Much later, I became convinced that a woman was not something she NEEDED. In fact, it may be something she would never act on. That helped me to not feel threatened. It also helped us to gradually begin exploring possibilities. In short, I will say that it involves baby steps, and sharing every experience together. That is what works for us.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I divorced my xW because of her love affair with another woman. There were other factors as well, but that was primary. 

I've been with women who've been with women... it's no big deal as long as it's not during YOUR relationship with her. Otherwise, it's cheating, plain and simple.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

305rob305 said:


> Guys, has your wife "been" with another woman before you met her? If yes, did it shock you when she told you the first time? Do you think about now once in a while? How do you feel about it?
> 
> Ive been with my wife for 8 years and she is a great woman that I love. When we first started dating she told me she slept with another woman one tine to experiment. She told me that even though it wasnt horrible because women have a more sensitive touch, she wont ever do it again because it just felt wrong.
> 
> I didnt have any problem with this and we left at that. Once in a while I get those images in my head and they bother. I would like to ask her details cause its kind of sexy but I dont want her to relive that time.


You need to become more confident in your own sexual relationship with your wife because men who rehash the sexual past of their partners, when their partner is open and honest about it have some issues. Seriously, let it go and never bring it up.

Everyone's attitude about "previous" sex is their own and different. They key is to marry someone with whom you share the same attitude about it. She experimented...okay. She told you about it. She also has said she has no interest in it again. It sounds like she's been totally honest with you and wants to leave the past in the past... I would suggest you do just that.

If you bring it up, you're showing her you don't accept her sexually. This will gradually drive a wedge between you two and you'll be in the sex in marriage area complaining how you don't get any.

I'm a big proponent of partners openly talking about their past. If both people are comfortable and confident in themselves than there's no issue. If someone has an issue with how many partners, then they shouldn't marry someone who was very promiscuous. It's unfair to both parties. If someone is very promiscuous, they shouldn't hide it because there's nothing wrong with it. But you need to find someone you share their attitude with.


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## 305rob305 (Jun 4, 2013)

*Re: Re: Would you care if your spouse slept with same sex?*



Dad&Hubby said:


> You need to become more confident in your own sexual relationship with your wife because men who rehash the sexual past of their partners, when their partner is open and honest about it have some issues. Seriously, let it go and never bring it up.
> 
> Everyone's attitude about "previous" sex is their own and different. They key is to marry someone with whom you share the same attitude about it. She experimented...okay. She told you about it. She also has said she has no interest in it again. It sounds like she's been totally honest with you and wants to leave the past in the past... I would suggest you do just that.
> 
> ...


Thank you. This is very good advice.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Davelli0331 said:


> You may be surprised at what you hear about women's reaction to their H's sleeping with another man, depending on who chimes into this thread.


See, now I feel I NEED to chime in! 

I am one who would have a HUGE problem with it. I have no desire to be with a man who has ever been with another man. I also have never been with, nor ever had the desire to be with, another woman.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Live with someone long enough and you'll have thoughts about carving them up into little bits and burying the pieces around your property. So I've heard. Doesn't mean you'll do it.


:rofl:


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

Cletus said:


> Live with someone long enough and you'll have thoughts about carving them up into little bits and burying the pieces around your property. So I've heard. Doesn't mean you'll do it.


Slightly rephrased, this is the sum total of marriage advice that my dad gave me.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> See, now I feel I NEED to chime in!
> 
> I am one who would have a HUGE problem with it. I have no desire to be with a man who has ever been with another man. I also have never been with, nor ever had the desire to be with, another woman.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I've been with multiple women prior to being w my husband. He knows about them and is fine w keeping them in the past as am I. He's more relaxed than me though because Im not sure I would want him if I knew he had messed around w another man. I knew a man who had one experience w a male friend and then he got married and still fantasizes about that dude years later. Ultimately he began cheating w men because he was missing something at home. Sexual desire is powerful and I couldn't stand wondering if my husband was missing being w a man. I don't know how he lives w the fact that I was w women. I know I'm not a lesbian and I have no desire to be with a female ever again but how does he know that for sure? I guess he just counts on my integrity and that I'd never stray from him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> See, now I feel I NEED to chime in!
> 
> I am one who would have a HUGE problem with it. I have no desire to be with a man who has ever been with another man. I also have never been with, nor ever had the desire to be with, another woman.


:iagree:

Two things that I have read about on these forums, so far, would be a deal breaker for me: finding dh with another guy (probably would not even be able to speak to him again, would just immediately file), and finding out he had gotten another woman pregnant. That baby would need him more than we would, and I would tell him to go and be with his second family (because, in essence, that is what it would be).

So, so grateful those are just hypotheticals . . .shudder . . .


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I've been with multiple women prior to being w my husband. He knows about them and is fine w keeping them in the past as am I. He's more relaxed than me though because Im not sure I would want him if I knew he had messed around w another man. I knew a man who had one experience w a male friend and then he got married and still fantasizes about that dude years later. Ultimately he began cheating w men because he was missing something at home. Sexual desire is powerful and I couldn't stand wondering if my husband was missing being w a man. I don't know how he lives w the fact that I was w women. I know I'm not a lesbian and I have no desire to be with a female ever again but how does he know that for sure? I guess he just counts on my integrity and that I'd never stray from him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is kind of similar to my thinking.

If my GF was potentially attracted to every person (bisexual) would it really be that much more unsettling then being maybe attracted to every second person (straight)? 

But, I think it would bother me a little. Maybe I would suspect that she is really gay but can't come to full terms with it. It's not a hot fantasy like it was when I was young.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Dont EVER open a bridge to another person in your marriage in any form.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

A lot of people would look at the responses here and call "Double Standard" in regards to how women can experiment with women and men CAN'T experiment with other men. BUT, I don't see a double standard here.

I personally see men and women being different sexually in regards to what gender they're attracted to.

Women are very fluid because they are both physically attracted as well as emotionally/mentally attractive. And another point that you don't hear about more is that women are programmed from childhood to find other women attractive with the "Oh girl...you look hot" etc. etc. that happens between friends. So women can look at men and women and find them attractive enough for sexual feelings.

Men are much more of an on or off switch. We're attracted to one gender or the other, and there's not a lot of in between. There is the repressed homosexual who forces himself to live a heterosexual life due to social stigmas etc, but that's not the norm. 

So I completely agree with the idea that a 100% heterosexual woman experimenting with another woman is fairly normal while a 100% heterosexual man would NEVER experiment with another man.

There are obviously exceptions and extenuating circumstances, but I'm speaking in the general.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

D&H, I've thought that as well. Women are raised to be nurturing, emotional, to connect with children and be caretakers, in many of their traditional roles. I know many women with whom I've shared that thought, and they've agreed with me. I've also known many hetero women (lovers) who've shared that they had been with another woman at one point or another. It wasn't their thing, so they didn't pursue that avenue, but they tried it. 

Men are raised to compete, to be isolated in some ways, and stand alone. These are all generalizations, of course, and much more traditional ideas. But it's gone on for generations. The general consensus is that men are rational while women are emotional. My W says that too. 

I once had a lover's gay brother slip me the tongue, unexpectedly, and I didn't hit him, I just said no, firmly. I was into his sister, not him. He was embarrassed and ashamed; I don't have it as a marker of weirdness in my life. I'm just not wired that way, no confusion here. 

Our D is bi, and her last bf was insecure. He felt threatened by her friends of both sexes. I can see that, to an extent. And they're young so don't have the viewpoint of years past. He got too possessive and she dumped him. People who are openly bi, as opposed to being strictly gay, will need to have a strong partner with self confidence, and know what boundaries are. That goes for both sides, obviously.


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