# Ending Friendship with Ex-Spouse



## ktheuerkauf (Jan 2, 2017)

My husband and I are going through a divorce. I posted earlier about the physical problems I am experiencing as a result of it. I think our current circumstances are partly to blame.

The divorce was not mutual but I agreed to it. Basically, we just drifted apart and had the cliche "irreconcilable differences." When the decision was made, we decided to still be friends during and after the process. However, this has been very confusing for me. He helped me move into my new place and I asked him if I could take him out to dinner as a thank you. He didn't want to go that evening and finally took me up on my offer two weeks later. We had an okay time...very casual conversation but the evening was painful because I knew that our marriage was over. I invited him over for dinner and to play with our dog whenever he had time, but he never responded to my email. I got very disappointed. This was not my idea of a friendship. It has been merely contact. This roller coaster has been making me sick, emotionally and physically. I feel like I'm playing the dating game with my soon to be ex-spouse. I've been reading a book, "How to Heal a Broken Heart" by Guy Winch. Amazing book. He said that romantic relationships are like an addiction and in order to heal, we need to cut them off to become our own people. Easier said than done, but I knew I had to. I asked him to have a conversation last night and I told him that we needed to stop contacting each other. It is the healthiest and most difficult path. He told me that he still wanted to be friends, but he wanted no expectations with the friendship. This was too confusing for me. Going from a sixteen year marriage to a casual friendship is a big transition and little snippets of contact are not helpful. At the end of our conversation, we decided to cut ties and revisit a friendship if and when we are ready and willing. Maybe months, maybe years, maybe never, but I think we both have to prepare for that. 

I woke up this morning feeling very sad, empty and heartbroken. But I don't feel confused, on edge, and falsely hopeful. I'm not sure if I made the right decision about cutting ties. My mind says I did, but my heart is scared that I'll lose him forever by choosing this. Any thoughts???


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I think you made the right choice. After 16 years, you aren't going to be able to fully detach and heal if you're still involved in each others lives.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

What were the differences that were irreconcilable ? Did you agree with (a) the differences, and (b) that they were in fact, irreconcilable ?

These will give us a clue as to whether or not you can really have a friendship.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

I kind of get the feeling that he wants to keep you around as a possible 'plan B' in the event that things don't work the way he thinks. Hence the desire to maintain a 'friendship' but not putting a lot of effort into anything. He contacts you enough to keep your hopes up but nothing further. It sounds like he wanted the divorce, so I would let him have it. 


MJJEAN said:


> I think you made the right choice. After 16 years, you aren't going to be able to fully detach and heal if you're still involved in each others lives.


Unless you have children, I think this is the only way to avoid the confusing signals that you are receiving.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

What people generally mean when they say they want to remain "friends" after a break up is that they don't want you going around mudslinging them or saying terrible things about them to all your friends and family. 

Women will often use the 'friends' line to keep the guys they are dumping around in case they get a flat tire in the rain or there is a big scary spider in their house and they can't get a hold of their current BF. 

And men will use the 'friends' line to keep someone on the call list for booty calls if they haven't got any in a long time and need some relief. 

So all in all, the whole friends after a break up thing is kind of a sham and kind of a fool's game. 

Your best bet is to move on with your own life and let that person and relationship fade over the horizon in your rearview mirror.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

I think your ex husband wants to remain "friendLY" rather than "be friends". He has the right approach, but is using the wrong terms. 

It is wise to cut off unnecessary communications and remain friendly during necessary communications.


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## Steelman (Mar 5, 2018)

I think my ex wife wanted to have her cake and eat it too- meaning she wanted out of the marriage, but wanted to keep me as a friend. Ya right. She was a difficult one. Since we didn't have kids, I just moved on and pretty much never spoke to her again except for a couple necessary e mails here and there. That was over 15 years ago. Why just keep torturing yourself?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Magnesium said:


> I think your ex husband wants to remain "friendLY" rather than "be friends". He has the right approach, but is using the wrong terms.
> 
> It is wise to cut off unnecessary communications and remain friendly during necessary communications.


I agree with this. I think he used the wrong term you read more into it than there was. I think the clues were him rejectng your offers to let you know that dating and regular contact aren't exactly what he means by "friends". The divorce lets you know the relationship is over. It's sad I know, but just remain on friendly terms without any other expectations. You don't have to hate each other.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You made the correct decision.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

There is no good reason to remain friends imo. The only thing I'd suggest is to remain amicable if there were children involved.

Anything else is just pain shopping and will stunt your healing process.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

ktheuerkauf said:


> I woke up this morning feeling very sad, empty and heartbroken. But I don't feel confused, on edge, and falsely hopeful. I'm not sure if I made the right decision about cutting ties. My mind says I did, but my heart is scared that I'll lose him forever by choosing this. Any thoughts???


When there are still lingering emotions around, most of us can't make a quick transition from spouses to casual friends. You first need to go all the way through the mourning process. After two years, maybe, but then by that time, you will likely no longer have a desire to be friends with him.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Rather than think of it as friends, think of it as ‘not enemies’. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sounds like you were hoping he would change his mind at some point. But he's not interested -- he's moved on. Maybe he said that so you would let go of the marriage easier. Who knows. In any event, you made the right decision. No contact is what you need to heal. I know it's difficult but it really does work.


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