# Advice needed to be better make wife orgasm



## Jmscsa (4 mo ago)

Hey everybody. I’m a 46 year old married man almost completely happily for 10 years. My problem is my wife has become so increasingly shut down sexually that now literally the only thing she is comfortable with doing sexually is straight up intercourse vaginal penetration. She claims to not like foreplay at all and says she hates kissing on the mouth with open mouth so she won’t go for any kind of making out at all. When I try kissing her neck or ears or breasts or giving her a massage she stops me after about a minute and wants to right to intercourse. She is absolutely positively 100 percent against letting me go down on her. She says it has always grossed her out and she will never let me down to please her and says she has never let anybody. I know that part is in her head cause I tried to go for it once when she was a little drunk and her body responded well to my licking her for about five minutes until she got in her own head and freaked out about how gross it is for me to lick her. Whatever the reason that is an absolute NO for her. She claims to have no fantasies, claims to have never masturbated in her life, doesn’t want to use toys in fact the vibrator I bought her has sat unopened in its box in closet for six years now. She doesn’t even like me using my fingers. Literally she thinks sex should be nothing more than take of clothes, stick it in, get off, be done. She says anything else is gross and she’s a mom so she can’t be a freak. That’s ridiculous but it’s her belief and I can’t change her.

Whatever her reasons for being like that I accept them. She has the right to like what she likes and not be into what she doesn’t like. I love her and I would support her working on her sexual issues if she wanted to but she is adamant she doesn’t want to change and there is nothing she needs to work on. Sucks but I would be willing to sacrifice the things I love to do sexually to focus on the things she likes if they satisfied her in bed.

That’s the problem though. With her not allowing me to do anything except straight up penis into vagina penetration I’ve had a very hard time giving her orgasms reliably. I’m probably batting about 30 percent maybe so she is capable it’s just hard to make it happen with what she allows me to do.

So my long winded question for women is, if all I have to work with is intercourse and penetration, no oral, no toys, no foreplay, is there anything I can do physically to increase my chances or ability to give her orgasms within the boundaries she feels comfortable with. I can accept her boundaries and accept I can’t make her change but I just can’t accept the idea I’ll hardly ever be able to satisfy my wife or make her cum again for the rest of my life.

Just too humiliating for me and sounds like fate worse than death. There has to be something I can do to be better for her within her limitations so I can satisfy her and she can be comfortable. Any help would be greatly appreciated.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Jmscsa said:


> Hey everybody. I’m a 46 year old married man almost completely happily for 10 years. My problem is my wife has become so increasingly shut down sexually that now literally the only thing she is comfortable with doing sexually is straight up intercourse vaginal penetration. She claims to not like foreplay at all and says she hates kissing on the mouth with open mouth so she won’t go for any kind of making out at all. When I try kissing her neck or ears or breasts or giving her a massage she stops me after about a minute and wants to right to intercourse. She is absolutely positively 100 percent against letting me go down on her. She says it has always grossed her out and she will never let me down to please her and says she has never let anybody. I know that part is in her head cause I tried to go for it once when she was a little drunk and her body responded well to my licking her for about five minutes until she got in her own head and freaked out about how gross it is for me to lick her. Whatever the reason that is an absolute NO for her. She claims to have no fantasies, claims to have never masturbated in her life, doesn’t want to use toys in fact the vibrator I bought her has sat unopened in its box in closet for six years now. She doesn’t even like me using my fingers. Literally she thinks sex should be nothing more than take of clothes, stick it in, get off, be done. She says anything else is gross and she’s a mom so she can’t be a freak. That’s ridiculous but it’s her belief and I can’t change her.
> Whatever her reasons for being like that I accept them. She has the right to like what she likes and not be into what she doesn’t like. I love her and I would support her working on her sexual issues if she wanted to but she is adamant she doesn’t want to change and there is nothing she needs to work on. Sucks but I would be willing to sacrifice the things I love to do sexually to focus on the things she likes if they satisfied her in bed.
> That’s the problem though. With her not allowing me to do anything except straight up penis into vagina penetration I’ve had a very hard time giving her orgasms reliably. I’m probably batting about 30 percent maybe so she is capable it’s just hard to make it happen with what she allows me to do.
> So my long winded question for women is, if all I have to work with is intercourse and penetration, no oral, no toys, no foreplay, is there anything I can do physically to increase my chances or ability to give her orgasms within the boundaries she feels comfortable with. I can accept her boundaries and accept I can’t make her change but I just can’t accept the idea I’ll hardly ever be able to satisfy my wife or make her cum again for the rest of my life. Just too humiliating for me and sounds like fate worse than death. There has to be something I can do to be better for her within her limitations so I can satisfy her and she can be comfortable. Any help would be greatly appreciated.


Like you said, this is something in her head so you don't have any power to change that. She doesn't want to change.

Was this by any chance an arranged marriage? That would explain everything.

If not were you aware of this when you married her? Was she ever into sex?

She will only change if she wants to change and there's no guarantee she could.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Jmscsa said:


> Hey everybody. I’m a 46 year old married man almost completely happily for 10 years. My problem is my wife has become so increasingly shut down sexually that now literally the only thing she is comfortable with doing *sexually is straight up intercourse vaginal penetration*. She claims to *not like foreplay* at all and says she *hates kissing on the mouth with open mouth* so she *won’t go for any kind of making out at all*. When I try kissing her neck or ears or breasts or giving her a massage she stops me after about a minute and wants to right to intercourse. She is *absolutely positively 100 percent against letting me go down on her*. She says it has always grossed her out and she will never let me down to please her and says she has never let anybody. I know that part is in her head cause I tried to go for it once when she was a little drunk and her body responded well to my licking her for about five minutes until she got in her own head and freaked out about how gross it is for me to lick her. Whatever the reason that is an absolute NO for her. She *claims to have no fantasies, claims to have never masturbated in her life, doesn’t want to use toys in fact the vibrator* I bought her has sat unopened in its box in closet for six years now. She doesn’t even like me using my fingers. Literally she *thinks sex should be nothing more than take of clothes, stick it in, get off, be done*. She says anything else is gross and* she’s a mom so she can’t be a freak.* That’s ridiculous but it’s *her belief and I can’t change her.*
> Whatever her reasons for being like that *I accept them. She has the right to like what she likes and not be into what she doesn’t like*. I love her and I would support her working on her sexual issues if she wanted to but she is *adamant she doesn’t want to change* and there is nothing she needs to work on. Sucks but I would be willing to sacrifice the things I love to do sexually to focus on the things she likes if they satisfied her in bed.
> That’s the problem though. With her not allowing me to do anything except straight up penis into vagina penetration I’ve had a very hard time giving her orgasms reliably. I’m probably batting about 30 percent maybe so she is capable it’s just hard to make it happen with what she allows me to do.
> So my long winded question for women is, *if all I have to work with is intercourse and penetration, no oral, no toys, no foreplay, is there anything I can do physically to increase my chances or ability to give her orgasms within the boundaries she feels comfortable with*. I can accept her boundaries and accept I can’t make her change but I just* can’t accept the idea I’ll hardly ever be able to satisfy my wife or make her cum again* for the rest of my life. Just too humiliating for me and sounds like fate worse than death. There has to be something I can do to be better for her within her limitations so I can satisfy her and she can be comfortable. Any help would be greatly appreciated.


I was in a similar situation but it went on even longer to the point that my wife of about 38 years at the time told me she never wanted to ever have sex with me. Yes, I heard all those things your wife has told you. 

What I learned was that she had fallen out of love with me, was angry at me, did not sexually desire me, and never intended to have sex with me again. 

I think you are focused on and asking the wrong questions. What finally got to me was that my wife would be mentally abusive toward me. If I did something that made her feel romantically close to me or made her want to have sex with me, she would start a fight with me to create emotional distance between us. Sometimes she waited until after sex, when I was cuddling and at my most emotionally vulnerable, before she would pick a fight out of no where.

I had to learn how to make her feel loved and cherished and if she caught herself wanting to have sex with me and tried to pick a fight with me, I had to be the adult in the room and no get angry or fight. I had to calmly ask her why she said certain hurtful things to me. Ultimately, I came to the conclusion that I was going to be in a loving sexual relationship in 2 years. I was committed to trying to fix the marriage for that time, but if I couldn't, I would divorce her and find a woman who would give me the loving sexual relationship I deserved. I showed my wife love and I became a better man who was no longer codependent on her.

Your situation is probably different. I relate mine, because I also believe that you can't change your partner, only they can change themself and that each of us gets to choose and negotiate the sexual acts we will do with our spouse. However, you can refuse to be treated in certain ways. That is also something you can chose. I choose to refuse to be in a sex starved marriage. That allowed her to choose if she wanted to remain married or if she would prefer to be divorced. Divorce became her choice and the consequences were hers to own.

I would suggest that you read M.W. Davis book, the Sex Starved Marriage and Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy. That should provide you with a basis for Getting a Life and doing 180's. It should also point out that you are not alone and some ways that you can change the dynamic in your relationship with your wife, by not accepting certain behaviors by her.

*You have a much more serious situation than just how to use your penis to give her more orgasms. * Your marriage is in crisis and she is telling you, by her actions, that something needs to be done. What saved my sex starved marriage was my reading a lot of marriage self help books and going to first a marriage counselor and board certified sex therapist, followed by a couple more marriage counselors after we started having sex together and rebuilding our marriage. 

Marriage counselors and sex therapists are expensive, but a lot less expensive than a couple of competing divorce attorneys.

Good luck.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

You have a quasi sexless marriage in the sense that she is choosing the path that gets it over with as fast as possible and with as little input from her....She wants you to get off as soon as possible and has zero desire for anything else...If you want more, you will probably have to get it from someone else...

Don't worry about her orgasms as I can assure you she doesn't care, lol......Bust your own nut and be happy she hasn't clammed up entirely, although I am sure she's probably not far off from that...Me? I wouldn't engage in that charade....Id rather drag my nuts over some broken glass than do what you are doing...but that's me...


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

sounds like she just wants to get her punishment over as soon as she can , 
sounds like she is as turned on by you as she would be of a Russian soldier that has not been home in 2 years and has not had a shower in that time


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Duty sex?


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

You should be asking your wife, not strangers on the internet. She knows what will please her much better than we do.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

How well are you and your wife emotionally connected? Would you say you are close emotionally? What are her worries and fears? What makes her happy? What makes her laugh?

You should know this without much though.

How is your communication? Do you take interest in what she is interested in? Is her wants and needs and her hopes and dreams your priority?

Start there.

Next do you yell at her, do you put her down, do you take your frustrations out on her?

Do you take care of yourself physically? Are you on top of your **** at home and on the job so.

This one is really important. Are you the man your wife admires?

Lots of women need to feel emotionally close to feel safe enough to be vulnerable and want to feel sexy. Notice I didn't say want to have sex with you, because you shouldn't be thinking like that you should be thinking like trying to get her excited about that side of herself.

After all of that, does your wife have any fear that she may lose you? This may not seem to fit in with everything else I wrote but it does, she should not be so confident that she takes you for granted. First off you should earn that, but if you do earn that and she doesn't appreciate it then she needs to understand it might not be there forever.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

You are looking at this backwards and asking entirely the wrong questions.

Your problem has nothing to do with your wife’s orgasms (or lack there of), and everything to do with the fact that your wife is not sexually attracted to you and doesn’t desire you as a man.
She won’t even kiss you for ****s sake. This indicates very clearly (and with near certainty that she’s just not into YOU sexually or romantically at all.

The important question is why, why have you tolerated the situation in the first place, and what are you going to do about it now.

And it has nothing to do with your sexual technique, and everything to do with the way she views you as a man.

You’re clearly extremely passive and timid in the bedroom, allowing her that much control and not letting her do anything at all. That’s highly unattractive to women.

And the fact that you’re putting up with this nonsense, rather than leading your marriage and setting expectations, indicates that there’s a massive power imbalance in your marriage, and it’s not in your favor. Also highly unattractive to women.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Y'all men kill me I swear. Listen, saying "I know I was pleasing her because of how she was acting or the noises she made." Check it out, did you know we will often times (well not often but..) do that so we don't hurt your feelings? There are many a man out there that can't handle critiquing, especially in the bedroom. NOT saying this is you, you sound like the polar opposite of that and willing to do whatever your wife desires if she'd just open up. 

As an example, my former husband always wanted to go down on me. I HATED it, he was SO rough, it was painful and God help me if I voiced that. I also didn't want to destroy his ego so there were many times I gritted my teeth through it and pushed for us to start PIV. If she said anything I ALWAYS put it on me, never on him to protect his feelings. It was NEVER about me, always about him and how the act made him feel like more of a man. Have you thought about that? Maybe she truly DOES NOT like oral, I know I do from the right guy, or did with the one guy I was with before my husband, but I couldn't stand it with my husband, again, it was never about me.

Now, as for your wife. This has to be something she wants to change. You can't force her to. I applaud you for being so open and willing and I'm sorry she can't see you for that.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> Check it out, did you know *we will often times (well not often but..) do that so we don't hurt your feelings? *There are many a man out there that can't handle critiquing, especially in the bedroom.


Yes indeed! A lot of us men have a delicate ego especially regarding our skills as a lover. We all like to think we are cassanova. Women know to avoid bruising us, it is way less trouble if they dont. I don’t know the percentages, but would guess a lot of husbands who claim their wife orgasms soon, always, and often actually have no idea. Acting is likely IMO common.

In fact if my wife went nuts with loud screams I would know for a fact she was trying out for a Netflix series. And I have no illusions about being don juan. Joe Average here.


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## Jmscsa (4 mo ago)

Thanks for everybody’s help I do appreciate it. Though I feel like I have to clarify things since most people jumped right to questioning my manhood and saying my wife doesn’t love me or respect me as a man or I’m too passive none of which is true I think, could be wrong I guess.

I’m 5 foot 8 about 165 lbs used to be a triathlete but not just average slow runner after back injury. So I’m not ripped with a six pack but I’m also not in terrible shape that she wouldn’t be attracted like one guy suggested.
I have an average size penis about 7 maybe. Not getting any offers to star in porn but nobody has ever said it’s small either, average.
I don’t think im anything special or a Casanova but I’m good enough and a good guy and I’ve always taken pride in satisfying a woman. It’s not unselfish enlightened thing. I genuinely enjoy giving a woman orgasms more than having them myself, kinda weird I know. I’d rather go down on a girl than get a blow job. Always been that way.
I didn’t mean to give the impression she never wants sex or doesn’t enjoy it. We have sec about once a week which is average if you got two kids and life gets in the way sometimes. Not complaining about frequency. 
She’s not giving me a pity **** and she’s not laying there like a corpse. She seems into it to me and she seems genuine. It’s not porn star acting that’s over the top, seems real and she does get wet and **** me back. She likes ****ing and seems to enjoy it. I just seem to have trouble getting her all the way to cumming without being able to do other things that she won’t allow and I feel terrible leaving her hanging. 
mage has never liked receiving oral cause she says thought of her own wetness and me licking her freaks her out. But she used to like French kissing. Now she only likes closed mouth kissing cause are says saliva and tongue sleeves her out. She does give blowjobs occasionally so I’d think if she was just pity ****ing me she wouldn’t even do that. She says being touched or rubbed for long time also turns her off. 
I doubt she is faking just for the fact that if she was faking wouldn’t she tell me she climaxed. WHy would a woman fake pleasure but not fake orgasm is she was stroking my ego. 
i do ask her what age wants and she tells me all she wants is rough quickies.She wants me to kiss her but with mouth closed and then throw her down and **** her hard. She says foreplay abs being touched for a long time is a turn off her her. So I give it to her like that good and hard and rough cause that’s how she says she likes it. And she is into it I just don’t feel like I can make her cum enough like that and when you only have sex once a week abs you are ****ing really hard a guy can only hold out so long before I go primal and go for mine. im only human. 
I love giving oral a lot like it’s my favorite thing but I do respect she doesn’t like it and I don’t try anymore. I respect that she likes what she likes and I give her what she likes. I know she has abuse issues that are probably root cause of her uprightness sexually and I’m there to support if she wants to work on it but she shows no interest in working on it or changing and I can’t force her to do that. I am just trying to better satisfy her within the boundaries of what she likes. I’m not trying to change her I’m trying to change me to better fit her needs. I don’t think that makes me passive and weak I think it makes me practical. We’ve been through couples therapy and talked about all this and I get it now she’s not changing. I can give up or find a way to be better lover with what I have to work with. I think what I’m doing is very much being a msn trying to find a way to make it work no matter the obstacles. I just can’t imagine not being able to give my wife orgasms. There has to be a position or a technique or something that has worked more in others experiences I can copy or try. Just looking for others advice. There has to be a right answer. I just don’t accept defeat. 
and also for record i would never think of cheating on my wife or divorcing her just cause of a sexual incompatibility. I wouldn’t be cool with her ****ing somebody else if she wanted something I couldn’t give her so I wouldn’t think I’m justified in doing it either. And I don’t think a sex problem is good enough grounds to break up a family. It’s a problem that needs to be fixed not a marriage killer. 
I am just baffled cause in 46 years and dozens of women ****ed I’ve never encountered a woman who hates receiving oral and hates foreplay until her so I guess I never learned how to make a woman cum just by ****ing and now I’m trying to catch up.
Again thanks for everybody’s help.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

So let’s go through the list. How long did you know each other before you married? Was sexuality different during courtship? You kind of brag about your sexual past; what about hers? Does she have a career? Do you financially overshadow her? Has she been married before, or any longer-term relationships that left her in an unsettled state? Do you think she sort of misses the riskiness of sex/does she appear risk aversive but in reality she’s increasingly difficult to surprise in general?

There’s also this feeling that you sound a tad bit over-confident and think her view of sex should mirror yours. Sure wish it worked that way, but it assuredly doesn’t. Also the sex once a week and being ok with that, vs the way it’s on your mind… doesn’t add up.

Just a few quick thoughts.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

For starters, try alcohol or weed...or both.


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## Nico_Jacobs (4 mo ago)

Jmscsa said:


> Hey everybody. I’m a 46 year old married man almost completely happily for 10 years. My problem is my wife has become so increasingly shut down sexually that now literally the only thing she is comfortable with doing sexually is straight up intercourse vaginal penetration. She claims to not like foreplay at all and says she hates kissing on the mouth with open mouth so she won’t go for any kind of making out at all. When I try kissing her neck or ears or breasts or giving her a massage she stops me after about a minute and wants to right to intercourse. She is absolutely positively 100 percent against letting me go down on her. She says it has always grossed her out and she will never let me down to please her and says she has never let anybody. I know that part is in her head cause I tried to go for it once when she was a little drunk and her body responded well to my licking her for about five minutes until she got in her own head and freaked out about how gross it is for me to lick her. Whatever the reason that is an absolute NO for her. She claims to have no fantasies, claims to have never masturbated in her life, doesn’t want to use toys in fact the vibrator I bought her has sat unopened in its box in closet for six years now. She doesn’t even like me using my fingers. Literally she thinks sex should be nothing more than take of clothes, stick it in, get off, be done. She says anything else is gross and she’s a mom so she can’t be a freak. That’s ridiculous but it’s her belief and I can’t change her. Whatever her reasons for being like that I accept them. She has the right to like what she likes and not be into what she doesn’t like. I love her and I would support her working on her sexual issues if she wanted to but she is adamant she doesn’t want to change and there is nothing she needs to work on. Sucks but I would be willing to sacrifice the things I love to do sexually to focus on the things she likes if they satisfied her in bed. That’s the problem though. With her not allowing me to do anything except straight up penis into vagina penetration I’ve had a very hard time giving her orgasms reliably. I’m probably batting about 30 percent maybe so she is capable it’s just hard to make it happen with what she allows me to do. So my long winded question for women is, if all I have to work with is intercourse and penetration, no oral, no toys, no foreplay, is there anything I can do physically to increase my chances or ability to give her orgasms within the boundaries she feels comfortable with. I can accept her boundaries and accept I can’t make her change but I just can’t accept the idea I’ll hardly ever be able to satisfy my wife or make her cum again for the rest of my life. Just too humiliating for me and sounds like fate worse than death. There has to be something I can do to be better for her within her limitations so I can satisfy her and she can be comfortable. Any help would be greatly appreciated.


 It’s odd to see so many responses from people who judge vice trying to help. As someone who has been married for 25+ years, we have certainly had our ups and downs. You said that you would be willing to get help if she would, which suggests that you’ve tried. There may be very deep socio emotional issues at play. Perhaps something or some form of trauma has occurred in her life and it is manifesting into a dislike and lack of comfort in sex. If this is true, then it has to be notes that she loves you because she continues to have sex despite how much it makes her uncomfortable. Couple this and the likelihood that she is probably in the stage of middle adulthood where both estrogen and testosterone decrease, and you get a possible cause. My advice would be to ask a urologist or OBGYN to run full labs to check or hormone levels. My wife and I had jus a handful of sex for more than a decade and at age 44 she found out that she had zero testosterone. Once she started a low dose, we couldn’t have enough it seemed. Hope this helps.


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