# Not able to be part of the family



## jtk (Apr 24, 2010)

Just looking for some thoughts on this situation. Hubby and I married for 8 yrs. He had 3 kids from a previous marriage and I had 2.

In the beginning, we had his kids every other weekend and it was a very hard time trying to blend our families. One of the reasons for this is his ex being a witch and badmouthing both of us to his kids. 

Immediately after we married, his middle child decided she didn't like the rules and decided to not come back to our home. Through the last 8 years we have continued to maintain a decent relationship with his other 2 kids but the only contact we had with his daughter was about 4 yrs ago when she showed up on our doorstep claiming her mom had slapped and kicked her and the cops were called. 

She ended up moving in with us because her mom said she didnt want her back. During that time, my husband got her into counseling and tried to make her a part of the family. All she could do was shoot me dirty looks while she was here and complain to my husband about me. We found out that she was hiding knives and cutting herself and I really had to wonder if one of those knives would find me while I was sleeping.

After a couple weeks we found out through his other daughter that his ex was only using us for a summertime babysitter and was planning on taking her back once school started back up. At that point, we took her back to her mom.

Another 4 years went by with no real contact and at 17, the daughter got pregnant and had a child. My husband didnt see his granddaughter but maybe 3 times since birth, as she is now 17 months old. His daughter did send numerous pics of the baby to my husbands cell and he forwarded them to my myspace so that he could get them onto his and when she found out about it she threw a royal fit and demanded them off my myspace immediately. 

A couple of weeks ago she calls out of the blue wanting to come visit. 

A couple days later at my husbands request, she brought the baby over and dropped her off while she worked. Last week, my husband asked her when he could watch the baby again and they set it up to bring her over on the next day she worked. 

Well, my husband doesnt get off work until 5 and she has to be at work at 5 so he asked her to drop the baby off with me at 430. I was supposed to leave here by 445 to be at the ball park for my daughters game and my husband would meet us there when he got off work. Well, she was able to avoid dropping the baby off with me because she got her sister to drop her at the ball park instead with my husband, after 5 and was able to avoid me altogether. I know that this is just the start of more drama on the way as it seems that the baby will now be in our lives from this point on.

My problem is now that my husband keeps referring to me as 'grandma'. He encourages me to hold and interact with the baby when I know his daughter hates me with a passion and would rather have her fingernails pulled out one by one than to have me have anything to do with her child. My two kids (13 and 10) love playing with the baby so when she is with us I just dont know how I'm supposed to act/feel. We took her shopping with us and at one point my hubby asked me to hold her and as I did I just kept wondering who might see me holding her that knows his daughter and report back to her. She is just the type of person that would let my husband form a bond with the baby and then jerk her away if she thinks I may be having anything to do with her child.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.


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## momof6girls (Jan 11, 2010)

this one really hard, your hubby really seems to be trying to bond with the baby and his daughter seems to really not like you at all..

communication really is going to be the key, letting your husband know that you love him you love his grandchild but want to respect his daughters request and no get to involved in the baby knowing this may hurt chances of him seeing the baby.

i am happy to hear with all the strive so far you two seem to continue with your marriage and moving that part along..

be respectful of the baby and his daughter is a fine line.

no help really just wanted you to know i give you lots of credit for even caring.... most would of said heck with that and stepped away with out a care.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Be the adult, be gracious, know that she will blame you for a LONG time for her dad being gone from her life - makes no difference if it's true; it's HER version, know that she will grow up eventually. In the meantime, you need to be the person who takes the high road and always holds your hand out in peace. Some day, she'll take it. But probably not for a while. I barely spoke to my mom from when I was 18 to about 21; just hated her. Took me several more years before I was mature enough to understand other people's viewpoints and realize she did the best she could with me.

YOU are the one person here who can be the bond that holds the family together. Just expect her to be hostile, and ignore it. Don't expect anything from her for now, and you won't be disappointed. Let her act like a child, but SHOW her how an adult acts with dignity and respect for everyone no matter how they treat you. It will wear off on her.


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## jtk (Apr 24, 2010)

Thanks momof6girls and Turnera, I appreciate your responses.

Through the years I have really tried to be the gracious one. And in the beginning, when she was about 10, we really did get along. Nothing really changed until a year and a half later when we got married, which is why I believe her mom brainwashing her had alot to do with it. His ex really is a vindictive witch and even lied and told my husband that I was cheating on him.

I have told my husband it's not a good idea for me to interact with the baby because his daughter (we'll call her 'Ann') doesn't like me.
His attitude is that she is going to have to accept that I am his wife and I will be in the picture regardless.

It's a tough spot to be in. I have so many emotions at just the mention of her name and now she is in our lives again and even though I will continue to be the adult, I am doubtful that it will change anything because she is sooo spiteful, immature and stubborn; just like her mother.

Hubby wants to get all the kids together and plan a recreation and I told him I would feel better if he would do this without me and my 2 kids, just to keep the peace. I hate it having to be like that but I also hate being around someone who either ignores me or shoots me dirty looks and the tension in the air is so thick.

She also completely ignores my 2 kids. When she was over the other day, my daughter asked her how old the baby was and she told her '5' and she thought it was just hilarious that she made a fool out of her.

Turnera, it makes sense to not expect anything to not be disappointed but it's just so hard to feel so divided as a family, and family is really important to me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I know. I know it's hard. But I also know that teenagers usually DO change. It doesn't last forever, this petty vindictive part of their life. As they encounter more, they understand more.

I would consider the next 3 or 4 years as the 'tough years' and just get through them, as concerns her and the baby. But by all means I would try to keep conversation flowing and not to burn any bridges.

Right now, she's a kid. A kid with a lousy lousy life and she's full of anger and angst and hatred for her lot in life. You CAN be the role model she needs; the bad part is that it usually doesn't benefit YOU to be that person, in the short term.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

“Ann” is obviously still very immature and jealous too I would say, so it’s not going to be easy and I do feel for you. 

I’m not clear if she is ok with baby being alone with you when your husband isn’t present? She clearly needs to be ok with it as, even if your husband is at home, he isn’t going to take baby with him when he needs to go to the bathroom for example. Realistically she cannot expect her baby to be in your house and for you not to touch, hold or have anything to do with the baby (Indeed, some would call this neglect.) Also when baby is older there are going to be times when you need to reprimand, should the situation demand it, just as you would with your own children. 

Certainly you shouldn’t be having to worry about outsiders reporting to her that they saw you holding her baby. I believe your husband needs to leave her in no doubt that of course you WILL be touching, holding and generally caring for her baby. Maybe he can give her some examples such as you needing to protect baby from a fall or some such, or what if baby comes to you and touches your arm or wants to give you a hug – does she want you to turn your back, walk away and reject the child! 

Im also wondering how your husband feels about her completely ignoring your children, (incidentally, are they her half-siblings or step-siblings) and how do they cope with her rejecting them.


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## jtk (Apr 24, 2010)

Advocado, thank you for your input.

It's not even clear to me if it's ok with Ann that I am alone with the baby if my hubby isn't present. Knowing how she is and her hatred toward me, I would say she's not ok with it but she seems to have this Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde thing going on so I can't be sure anymore what would torque her crank or when.

But yeah, you would think she would realize that I would need to have some interaction with the baby depending on the situation, but that would require rational thinking on her part.

My kids are her step-siblings. She has gotten along with them in the past also so I don't understand her completely ignoring them this time around. As far as how my husband feels about it, I'm not sure. I know he too thinks she's immature and vindictive, but she is his daughter. He hasn't really said anything directly related to her ignoring my kids but if I had to guess I'd say his solution would be just to tell my kids that that's just the way she is and don't put too much into it.

As far as my kids coping, my 10 yr old hasn't really said much about it, she is too preoccupied with playing with and helping with the baby. My 13 yr old son voiced that he feels she is stuck up and snotty and from what I've seen, removes himself from the room when Ann is here.


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