# He changed, and yet years later I'm unhappy?



## Gadseek (Jan 6, 2016)

My husband and I have been married 11 years, together 15. Here's the lineage of our relationship and some quick details. You're likely going to wonder how I'm even pondering this situation from our start, but hang with me.
He's 15 years older.
I was sexually abused once by mom's bf at 13 or 14. Was flirted with more often and disrespected regularly. I sorta blocked out the abuse until I was 18 and in college. More like compartmentalized it as I did tell a few people along the way, specifically a family member who was pregnant with a girl as I was scared she'd have the man babysit.
At 16 met husband who aggressively flirted. He was 30 and had sex with me. He straight up said that was all we could have. It happened a few times and we went about our own lives without communication or anything until I was 18 and in college.
We reconnected and have been together since. 
The first two years he was extremely jealous and emotional abusive. I couldn't make eye contact with waiters or glance at the car next to us at a red light without an argument. The only way to keep the peace was to cut off anything that he could accuse. I had to have him on the phone during my lunch and dinner times in the cafeteria at the dorm even if we weren't talking, just on so he could ensure I was alone.
And I was alone because he isolated me. 
He's never physically abused me but I have no doubt that's where we were headed. He has family history of it.
He berated me as a form of molding until I didn't even try to be me, not that I knew who I was yet anyway at 18/19/20. Many times I tried to break up but I was a wimp. Sometimes he'd scare me by threatening suicide. 
At this point, you're probably asking if there's even a question here right? And you're maybe wondering where my parents were?
Well, the thing is I apparently come across as very mature and put together. My parents divorced when I was 11 and my mom dated her bf and worked. And that's about it. So I took care of younger siblings. I took odd jobs for neighbors so I could buy us cheap food. Obviously my mom's judgement was horrible. 
My dad would've fought for us for more than every other weekends had he known. He didn't know because ive always been terrified of rocking any boats. So he should've looked closer as he was the parent and we were little kids but he didn't and like I said I seemed super mature.
I was valedictorian in high school and responsible as hell, you know, minus the whole sleeping with a 30 year old jerk. Geez.
So at 18/19 I come home from college dating a guy nearly twice my age and no one gave pause. Scratch that, one person, my flipping abuser. And only because he knew him and didn't like him. Well, I wasn't gonna trust his judgement right? Again, geez.

My husband (then bf) moved me in but he was so tumultuous that I know we were heading for the end. Surely I would've left. Surely. *Sigh*
And THEN, my husband gave his life to Christ one night after coming across some studies that helped him. He literally stopped those things that night. He actually pulled away from me a bit and worked on himself and relationship with God. Peace in my home! 
He proposed a year later and then we wed and started a family. Our daughter is 9, we had a set of twins pass away, and we have a 3 year old.

I'm always hesitant to share that part because I'd hate for someone to expect such drastic change. It happened for me but I'm aware it's shocking. And more and more I'm starting to wonder about the changes.

So my question is, why am I suddenly miserable and hurt and feeling all the crap emotions I should've felt 10 years ago?! I'm angry. And I don't get angry often. Rarely. 

Here are things I respect about my husband:
He sought many avenues for help for years to deal with jealousy/insecurity. Counseling, hypnosis, etc.
We lost our twins, one girl stillborn, and a boy lived for an hour. That man was my rock. I've heard horror stories of the grief differences ripping couples apart. I was a mess for a long time and he was patient. I've never had to fight for the value of those babies. I've never felt rushed in my grief or alone in it. Cut him to the core too.
He's humble about trying to change things, even little things. (I thought)

What's keeping me up at night:
The sense that I'll never experience falling in love. I love him like I love family. An uncle. Yippee!
I don't foresee ever being comfortable showing him love the way a husband deserves and the way I want to show it to someone I love. We have sex regularly. That was a problem for a few years but I've really worked on some things on my end, like the abuse. I keep that man satisfied now. I am not. I want more. But he's 50 and has a lower drive now. I'm in my prime while he's out of his. Damn.
But I don't kiss him. Ever. I don't cuddle either. I long to.
I admit I am not and have never been physically attracted to him. He's not an attractive guy. And that's probably partly why I won't be affectionate in those ways. But I could look passed it and be attracted to the man I love, except the biggie:
It feels wrong. I mean gut-screaming wrong. I actually feel molested when he shows me husbandly affection but not when we have sex. Holy intimacy issues batman!
As I've gotten healthier mentally and have matured in more areas I see how he manipulated, used, and abused me. He got me. We're married with kids. Locked me in. I did it willingly so it's on me. I probably fooled him into thinking I was as mature as my boobs looked. And I was ripe for it. And during the good years we probably made sense since I didnt know how to relate to kids my age who had been allowed out and didnt raise siblings. 
But it's hard to respect him. He feels that I'm sure and now reverts to insecurity often, not volatile like before, but kinda. I'm not totally ugly (is there ever a way to say that without being douchy?) And if someone looks at me, smiles, or whatever, he doesn't think, "that guy thinks my wife is pretty but that's his too bad because she's mine." And I'm talking about fairly mild and innocent triggers. He actually gets lost inside himself and depressed, goes to slleep all day. Same tactic if I do hold him accountable to something or admit to my feelings. It's another form of punishment manipulation. Stay depressed in bed until wife works through it herself. Still molding me I guess.
And so I think I've shut down emotionally on him. We don't fight and we agree on most everything. The more I've matured and the more of my past I resolve, the more unhappy I seem to get. 
I'm just...sad. I guess that's my primary emotion. This. Is. It. Forever.
Then I instantly feel like a jerk and a selfish brat because compared to other parts of the world I have nothing to moan about. 

I feel like I just woke up or came of age. In my thirties...why was I so slow on this. I long to experience some normalcy. It would be amazing to hold my guy's hand in public with being embarrassed because it feels like people take one look at us and know I had issues.
I'd never be unfaithful, just have this longing for love that I'm constantly trying to shut down. it's not toward anyone specific. And I'm a brat because my husband is willing to do anything I'd want but I can't get myself over the hump.
So then I feel dumb because it's probably a version of grass is greener syndrome right?
And then I get sad again because I think people do love each other when they marry. I believe in love. I believe in commitment and honoring it. But I believe in love too. I long to feel it.

I want to be in love and be loved and not have it feel wrong. 
Is there hope for that here? Like maybe I am just being a stinker and won't let go of the past. He's apologized and I thought I'd forgiven but obviously there are still emotional consequences. Suck it up buttercup, I made my bed, you know? He feels like two different people. An abuser. A good kind husband. When something triggers those two into one, I feel devestated.

Is some of this angst for love normal? Grass is greener illusion? Maybe I am okay about the past but I'm attaching stuff to it like it's an excuse?

He'd go to counseling I'm sure but it feels like the end if we do that for some reason. I think because once I voice things a certain way there's no going back. I haven't given voice to it all here, so it's not all real yet. I've never even told this stuff to a soul. We are ambiguous or lie and say we got together when I was 19.I lied to myself even for years.

Thanks for even just "listening." Truly seeking wisdom. Hoping there's hope so I don't feel so sad when I allow myself to think about it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

That's quiet a story. I don't know where you live, but in most states what he did when you were 16 is considered rape because of the age difference.

I do believe that people can change on a dime. I've seen it. Sounds like your husband did. But he is still flawed. We are all flawed though.

Are you in counseling? You really need to work through this with some intense work. There is nothing easy in your case. Sure, it would be easy to say to just leave him and find your happiness. But do you know what that acutally looks like? You are young (I'm 66 so, yea you are young  ) You have a lot of living ahead of you... more than half your life. 

If you think that you really do want to leave him, my suggestion is some intense counseling. Then you need to start planning. I'm sure that thinking of leaving him seems like the effort to move a mountain. YOu cannot do it, it's too big a task. But, if you move the mountain one dump truck at a time... it can be done.. .what I mean is that if you make a plan, a detail plan of what you need to do to leave/divorce... then you work the plan one step at a time, each step will be easier than the whole. Then one day, the only step left will be to walk out the door.

Not sure if that's wisdom, but it works. I did it.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Gadseek,
wow! I think you feel anger now (when he is changing for the better) because you were too afraid to express your real emotions before and now the dam is breaking and you want a form of justice for the 'lost' years. This is a perfectly normal human reaction. However, even if you left him I think you have serious issues of your own to consider, your parents sounded rather hands off and uninvolved with you when you were a teenager so I assume you are carrying alot of emotional baggage yourself which you will take to any other relationship.
I would suggest you get IC for yourself to work through your own personal issues and the issues you have with the marriage. Then perhaps when you have sorted through that, you will find that your M is worth working on.


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## Gadseek (Jan 6, 2016)

Thank you for the replies. Truly, thank you. You are so right. I had counseling for a while after we lost our babies and boy did it help. I did bring up a touch of this then since I was in such a vulnerable state and she did want to guide the sessions more toward that but my immediate needs of grief were the bleeders. I didn't tell her much. 

For a long time I could almost feel the block in my mind to keep me from thinking on these things. I've breached it quite a bit now. Guess my brain feels it's safe to now, like it did when I got out of my mom's house and away from the abuse. That part was from the counselor. 

I'm scared to go to counseling even though I know that's where my resolution is going to lie. For several reasons, none of which trump the need to go, but feel overwhelming at times.
1. It's gonna suck. Some stuff is pretty painful. It hurts to be disappointed in others and in myself. Sometimes I get going down the road and I physically shake my head to stop the train of thought before it barrels too far. I'm probably slowly revealing more to myself, or at least how I feel about it all. What if there's more I haven't unblocked? Crap. Just thought of that. Even if not, it's like resetting a bone that's dislocated. I know it needs to go back in but the process is gonna suck.
2. I'm okay. I mean, I'm reaching out and obviously have unresolved troubles. I can't think about some things. So logically I know I'm not fantastic, but this is livable. Not the right standard to have. But what if it gets worse when I seek help? What if I find that it's no longer livable this way? That's scary. I have kids and my parent's divorce is where this all started for me. And the idea that my image of my husband could completely shatter-ouch for me and for him. 
3. I'm scared the counselor will tell me that getting out is the only way. Part of me feels like I've married a guy who preyed on me, dare I say raped me, even though i was willing and even set up our meetings myself. What if I can't ever forgive that enough to be a wife emotional to him?
4. I'm even scared of the counselor telling me people have been through worse and while it stunk, it's not insurmountable here and i should cut the guy some slack and get over myself. None of it justifies an out even if over half of me wanted out (I'm probably at 45% most times).

So basically I'm scared of there being no hope for my marriage, of there being hope, of doing the work and opening doors, and leaving them shut tight. Great. I'm impossible! These are the moments anger seeps in because I'm the age he was when he slept with me. He was a grown man. I can't imagine doing that. 

So I wish he'd man up and take control of this. Fix it. But he's the type to avoid breaking his own heart and avoid anything that requires dealing with this stuff. On a deep level. He will do surface work. I can't knock him, obviously I'm no better.

I want to shield him from the painful consequences but let him handle them for bit at the same time. 

Try as I might I can't get an objective view of this. So i really appreciate the wisdom you're sharing. Maybe someone will say something exactly the way I need to hear it and spark something in me, you know?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Really glad you're here. Stay a while. Make several posts over time - breaking down each issue as you begin to address them. This is a pretty safe place to do this and organize your thoughts. Some have been here for years. You will probably be surprised when you take one issue at a time and find out others have insight and maybe some have had similar experiences. So you'll get ideas on coping and working through things.

For now you could do several things. 

1 write a journal. Maybe start some random sections with room between sections and vent on the topic. It will allow you to put it down and get it out but not be overwhelmed. Just dump thoughts - for example on the first abuse... or a section on the first year with H. Get out what happened and how you felt.

2 find a good counselor. Someone specializing in domestic abuse, many bad ones so you might have to fire a few.

3 tell H you are working on all the issues off the past and want to be really and truly happy and content one day. Let him know you want to have the privacy to do that (if it's safe to tell him). You may be seeing an IC. You may be journaling. But this is your private work and ask him to respect it.

4 let H know you will similarly support him and let him privately work through the issues of his past if he wants to.

Just some ideas - consider others these are just off the top of my head


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You mention the age issue but i guess it is a matter of perspective. In some countries, the marriage age is low others not so, it all depends. i think you should be concentrating on yourself for the moment, leave your H out of it (though he was a contributing factor). You have to deal with the childhood abuse first and go from there.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

My advice to you is to get counseling for YOU about YOU. You said you had counseling in the past but it it appeared to be related to the loss of your children. You may not like what comes out in counseling, a good counselor will force you to face your fears by asking you uncomfortable questions that make you look within to places you may have forgotten existed. 
What you are feeling is the pain that comes with personal growth. I recommend that you grab this bull by the horns and ride it as far as you can. You need to focus on you. You only have one life.


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