# Is it right for my wife to have a male friend?



## kendall2

What does everyone think about this topic?
What is ok in a marriage for a wife or a husband to have in terms of relationships with the opposite sex? 
If its ok then should your spouse have to tell you what she is texting her friend about?


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## Q*bert

There is a saying that if a man and a woman are "just friends", it's only because one of them won't take it to the next level.
(professional relationships, sexual orientation and blood relation notwithstanding)

I've had this discussion with many people of both sexes, and after looking back out our own history of friendships, we all pretty much agree with that.

I don't think it's wrong, or necessarily dangerous, to have a friend of the opposite sex. A little flirting is even healthy and recommended. The problem starts when it becomes more than that, and boundaries are crossed.

Do you have reasons to believe your wife does not have a good sense of boundaries? Have this discussion with her. Come to an agreement on what those boundaries are, and what constitutes crossing them. 

I'd say that if their friendship doesn't exclude you, it's probably fine. This person should be YOUR friend as well, even if just casually (which serves to mark your territory). Do you say hi to this person? Do you and your wife see them socially as a couple? Or has your wife not even introduced you to this friend? If not, there could be a boundary issue.


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## LAMB1993

I agree with Q*Bert. I would investigate the friend (read between the lines of the text, the words he/she chooses to use) If you get an uneasy feeling about the person, express those feeling with your spouse. I do not believe texting should be an everyday thing.


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## tiffgirl

I agree that if she wants to have a male friend then you should try being friends with him to. Perhaps all of you go out with a group one night. The more comfortable you feel with him then the more comfortable you will feel with their friendship. My Husband has 1 close female friend. Her and I have become friends - not best friends but casual friends. I was concerned at first but after getting to know her I can see that she is a really cool person and I can understand why he wants to be friends with her. I can also now believe that she would respect our relationship and not try anything with him. But if i had never met her or if I had gotten a funny vibe from her, then I would be concerned about the friendship.


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## kendall2

Q*bert said:


> There is a saying that if a man and a woman are "just friends", it's only because one of them won't take it to the next level.
> (professional relationships, sexual orientation and blood relation notwithstanding)
> 
> I've had this discussion with many people of both sexes, and after looking back out our own history of friendships, we all pretty much agree with that.
> 
> I don't think it's wrong, or necessarily dangerous, to have a friend of the opposite sex. A little flirting is even healthy and recommended. The problem starts when it becomes more than that, and boundaries are crossed.
> 
> Do you have reasons to believe your wife does not have a good sense of boundaries? Have this discussion with her. Come to an agreement on what those boundaries are, and what constitutes crossing them.
> 
> I'd say that if their friendship doesn't exclude you, it's probably fine. This person should be YOUR friend as well, even if just casually (which serves to mark your territory). Do you say hi to this person? Do you and your wife see them socially as a couple? Or has your wife not even introduced you to this friend? If not, there could be a boundary issue.


Hey thanks for your reply. I really appreciate it!

Yes, I know the other guy very well and we interract as couples. My wife doesn't keep it a secret at all they are friends.

Your reference to boundaries bothers me a bit though because we have talked about it extensivley and she has very different ideas about whats ok. I caught her making out with her ex-boyfriend 4 years into our marriage and at first she said it was just a friendly kiss and it meant nothing. Afterwards though she did admit that she was totally wrong and it was infidelity. It sticks with me though now because I've gotten over the cheating but not her initial response to my outrage. That is what worries me; her blindness in this area. Also, I'm not exaggerating but my wife is very attractive and exudes sexiness in a modest way(A dead ringer for Reese Witherspoon)

To get back to the current concern
A year ago she told me about some of their conversations when his mother died and I was a bit surprised about the emotions they shared. I wasn't concerned at the time but looking back it makes me wonder. Since then she doesn't say much anymore. I read some texts that were not descriptive or outright wrong but just seemed not right, the tone like "how r u feeling, r u ok " over and over (from him to her). And onetime he asked her "do u feel guilty". (I have to say I think she did feel guilty because she treated me to a guys version of paradise on earth that night) I asked my wife about this and she just said she forgot what he was referring to. Pretty weak I know.(I wasn't spying on her if u want to know) She knew I was reading a text on her phone she just thought it was from someone else. He was texting her on christmas eve( Day after company chrismas party when they were at the bar drinking and smoking together without me) and she was caught off guard I think that time. Normally she deletes all messages right away from everyone. I asked her about this and she says thats the way she is.


I am torn now about if I should start spying on her. If I talk to her about my suspicions it will ruin her career as the the friend in question is her boss (did I mention that?) One word of suspicion and she will quit. I know that and that would have very serious ramifications on the company she works for . I don't know if I can do that being just suspicious. I've tried being oblique in my questions but she is blind in this area. She doesnt see any problem she says. But their interaction has changed when we get together as couples; thats what sets my radar off too. They don't banter openly(with me around anyways)like they used to since I asked my wife about the text on christmas.

Also, I just discovered through a third party that she lied to me last week about not being in contact with him when he was on holidays. Her friend let slip in conversation he was texting her after I had specifically asked if she had been in contact with him when he was out of town. She told me "no not at all". When I confronted her she said "I forgot about that"

I"m this close to downloading spy software on to her blackberry.


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## country boy

I have some experience with this issue. I will tell you in my opinion you do have a problem that needs your full attention. 

 Some women can have male friends and some cannot. My wife is one that cannot.

I have been married 19 years. My wife has only had one girl friend in that 19 years and their friendship only lasted about 2 years. My wife has mainly wanted to associate with men. She has several male friends that I approve of but that is what they are friends. She has had two so called male best friends that she cheated on me with. It started out just as your situation has. They had lots in common. They liked same music. The same foods. They consoled each other in bad times. Then they scr*wed and fell in love.

Both of these so called best friends that got in her pants I was somewhat friends with also. The first one 6 years ago I expressed my concerns early in their relationship on deaf ears. She would hide in the bathroom to call him while we were on vacation. In one day she called him 36 times while she and I were on one of the few weekend get away’s we ever had alone. The whole time they cheated they presented their selves as friends and were open to some point about most of the things they were doing together. They would plan family trips together with us as couples but with my working like I do it always worked out where it was just my wife going with him and his wife. I was blind to all of this till his wife busted them red handed. The second affair was with a friend of mine that I have known for 25 years. He had always been around but they really started getting friendly after he got divorced. It started out with them just talking at a weekly cookout that included his family (father, mother, brother) and mine. Then they started calling each other during the day while I was at work. He then started calling while I was home and would ask for my wife. In this time he got a young girl pregnant that he was dating. My wife cried for two days because of this. After the baby was born my wife would go and pick his baby up from its mother for the weekend and bring it to our house so he could come and visit it. This is when I saw the weight loss on her part and the new underwear with a whole new attitude toward me. When I questioned her about their relationship I got the same answer every time we are just friends. They would go shopping together and use the excuse that they were shopping for the baby because he did not know how to shop for a baby. This guy was my best friend’s brother. I would get home from work and he would be there setting in my chair drinking my beer. She would invite him to dinner and never tell me till I got home. She would cook what he liked, Mexican food. I hate Mexican food and she knows it. He would associate with me also on our own without her. They had day trips out of town together with my 13 year old daughter. In the end after six months of wishing and praying she was not cheating. I confirmed it with at sperm test from her underwear and one of her other male friends telling me all the details she had told him about the affair. Now I am trying to salvage my marriage.

My advice is to confront her head on now and stop it before it goes past friendship. Your marraige is more important than her friendship with OM. And if it is just friends she will know how the relationship is bothering you. This is what I did not do and I kick my self every day for not putting my foot down sooner.


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## Freak On a Leash

I used to think it was OK and had many male friends myself but now that my husband and I have reconciled and discussed many situations in our marriage over the past year I'm convinced that it's not a good idea. Nothing happened physically with my friendships but just having deep/personal conversations with my male friends about certain aspects of my marriage and the dynamics involved caused problems and affected my marriage more than I knew. It's just not worth it. It's better to avoid a one-on-one relationship with a person of the opposite sex if you are married. Why cause problems when you don't have to? Aren't there are enough stresses involved in marriage? Why add this on to the mix?

I'm all for socializing with someone if the spouse is involved as well. No problem there but going out with someone of the opposite sex and even texting/emailing..you are better off not doing this. Just my .02.


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## Saya

This is something my hubs and I are still working on. We've been friends longer than we've been a couple. Married 3, a couple nearly 5. Also most of my friends are guys and lots of his are girls.

For us it has been about setting our boundaries. And really learning what they should be. By mutual agreement we have had to ease away from some people. But in the same vein there are a few we keep real close.

For us it has been about making sure our closest friends know us as a couple.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359

If you can trust your spouse to back away from a friendship if attraction develops, then friendships are fine. As a woman, I have several male friends toward whom I feel no attraction whatsoever--and we are close emotionally. In the past, when I was still married, I would not pursue friendships with men to whom I felt attracted; I knew that wasn't safe. The real question is not about the moral correctness of male/female friendships for married people, b/c there is no single right answer. The real question is, can you trust your spouse, and if not, why not? That's where the energy needs to be focused. If a spouse has given you reasons not to trust, you have your answer. Do not let her dissuade you otherwise. She can either pull back from a friendship that moves in dangerous directions, or she can't. If she cannot, then she should not be putting herself--and you--at risk. If she still wants to do so after discussion and some couples' counseling, you may have to reassess her commitment to you and your marriage. You need to do what is right for your self, and tolerating her risky behavior does not sound like it will contribute to your happiness. Good luck in getting her to see the light.


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## turnera

She's cheating. Install the software. Gather the evidence. Then ask her to stop. If she refuses, expose the affair to people important to both her and him. If they still refuse to stop, expose it to HIS boss and kindly inform this person that they will want to look into removing him before the company ends up in a lawsuit.


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## mike1

IMO, nope. I would not be okay with that at all but maybe some are. But if someone isn't comfortable with the spouses relationships then that should be respected. 

And there should always be 100% transparency with text, e-mail, facebook, cell phones, bank and credit card records, etc between spouses. I think in a trusting, loving and committed relationship there isn't a reason to hide anything, it's simple.


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## Amplexor

In general I don't have a problem with opposite sex friendships. Keep in mind my wife had a very serious EA some years ago. That has not made me feel uncomfortable with her current male friendships although I am more in tuned with them. She has always had them and with the exception of the EA I have never interfered nor worried about them much. But by nature, I am not the jealous type. The problem I see here is that it has gone subterranean and that is a huge red flag. If there is nothing to hide there is no reason for her to get a new phone that you don't have access to. Have you considered talking to his wife to see if she is comfortable with the relationship? I'll bet she is not.


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## MsLady

Install the software. You have enough reasons to be justified in doing so.



> --from CountryBoy ---
> Now I am trying to salvage my marriage.


Why? No, seriously, why? After reading your post about what went down in your marriage, I'm genuinely curious why you would be trying to salvage that marriage.


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## Freak On a Leash

:iagree: Why WOULD this fellow try and save this trainwreck of a marriage? :scratchhead:

I'd ditch the wife and my so called "friends" as well. Why be a glutton for punishment? Isn't two times enough or are you hoping for a third?


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## country boy

Mslady/Freak on a leash
You ask why I am trying to salvage my marriage. I have been married 19 years and have two wonderful children that love her very much. Hell I still love her. I will never be able to trust her again. I honestly think she has some type of metal issue that has caused her to do what she has done. Hell I probably have a mental issue also for keeping her around. We get along fine other than her deciding to step out on our vows every 5 or 6 years. She is a wonderful mother that is there for my children’s every need. I admit that chunking her out would be the easiest thing to do to protect myself but I have the two children to think of and one is a special needs child. 

For some reason I feel I am responsible for what happened the second time because I trusted her again. I let my guard down. That is my fault because I knew how she was and what she was capable of. All of the signs were there and I chose to ignore them with my head in the sand basically hoping it was not true. If I would have been more aggressive in telling her to leave the guy alone in the beginning this may not of happened the second time. From the time we married to now I had never put any restriction on her. She was allowed to do as she pleased because I felt I owed that to her because I worked all of the time. She traveled on her own, went to clubs and made friends with OM. As I said she had lots of male friends. She likes electronics (stereo equipment) and fast cars same as most men so she can relate to males in just about any environment. She now has agreed to restrictions that I have imposed to try and keep this from happening again. The main one is no more communications with other males by phone or email. She must tell me every time she receives a call or email from a male. Violation of the first two is immediate separation with me keeping the children and the house no matter what. She cannot go out to any social function without me. She must call me every hour when she is out (grocery shopping, ball games, hair solon). I know this sounds controlling but if this is what it takes to keep my family together this is what I will do from now on.


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## turnera

Do you have keylogger installed on her computer? Do you get the records for her phone?


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## country boy

Yes, webwatcher key logger and review cell bill daily. I also record all land line calls. Video record of all coming and going from my property. This is bad but she knows I am watching her every move. Some may not want to live this way but this is where we are at right now.

Kendell2

this is why you need to stop it now if you do not want to be in my shoes.


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## kendall2

I put software on her phone to record all her messages. I checked it last week and again I don't see anything overt in the texts its just the tone and topics. The conversation style is intimate just not necessarily the content although without exaggeration not 3 or 4 text go between them without some joke or oblique refernce to sex or nudity. Nothing concrete just sly references over and over. When we talk about it she just says they are jokes nothing more.:scratchhead:

Also, i bluntly asked her if she had a problem with me looking at her messages. She said "no" but she doesn't know I can read things she thinks are deleted. 

Still I don't have very good access to her phone since she keeps it so close to her.


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## turnera

Well if you can record the messages, does that mean you can see how many calls she makes?

Ask her if she's feeling loved and sexy by you. She's getting a payoff from him even if she doesn't want to take it further - ego stroking. What are you doing to replace that?


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## stoney1215

Q*bert said:


> There is a saying that if a man and a woman are "just friends", it's only because one of them won't take it to the next level.
> (professional relationships, sexual orientation and blood relation notwithstanding)
> 
> I've had this discussion with many people of both sexes, and after looking back out our own history of friendships, we all pretty much agree with that.
> 
> I don't think it's wrong, or necessarily dangerous, to have a friend of the opposite sex. A little flirting is even healthy and recommended. The problem starts when it becomes more than that, and boundaries are crossed.
> 
> Do you have reasons to believe your wife does not have a good sense of boundaries? Have this discussion with her. Come to an agreement on what those boundaries are, and what constitutes crossing them.
> 
> I'd say that if their friendship doesn't exclude you, it's probably fine. This person should be YOUR friend as well, even if just casually (which serves to mark your territory). Do you say hi to this person? Do you and your wife see them socially as a couple? Or has your wife not even introduced you to this friend? If not, there could be a boundary issue.



ask yourself . are you able to have a friend of the opposite sex ? if so why wouldnt your spouse ? if you are not able to , why arent you ? should your shortcoming as a spouse be given to your wife ? 

the question to me is absurd . i am an adult . a grown man . i fully functioning person . i am more than able to have a friendship with anyone that shares my same interests and views and i enjoy spending time with . it does not matter if it is a man or a woman . how could it ? 

bu that is not the real question being asked here . the real question is are you a cheater or are you not a cheater ? it has nothing to do with anyone other than you yourself . 

i will not cheat on my wife . i do not want to cheat on my wife . it has nothing to do with anyone other than me . i will not and do not want to cheat on my wife . period . what does what sex my friends are have to do with that ? 

plain and simple . you either are a cheater . or you are not a cheater . a friend has nothing to do with that . that is all you .


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## Goldmember357

No friends of the opposite sex when you are married it leads to problems. I had a friend i hardly talked to of the opposite sex and it almost led to huge problems so i ended my friendship with her if my wife had asked earlier to end the friendship i would of. I should of however ended it long before she ever asked. Thankfully i did not cheat nor did i plan on it and my female friend used to be an ex and was hinting at being together. 


Long story short Opposite sex friends when you are married cause problems its best to have none. And your spouse should agree with that and end any friendship they have it is respectful thing to do and would happen in a healthy marriage. Any hanging out at work or anything past a WORK situation is NOT GOOD.

Friendships between the opposite sex can be purely platonic but its rare long term and deep friendships almost always see eventually the two friends sleeping together and eventually dating, marrying or just sex with each other. There exists to much tension and the pressure and desire and thoughts of being with your friend increase. Almost always their exists a physical attraction and obviously a deep emotional connection otherwise you would not have a close friend and the physical attraction exist almost always because people dont typically make REAL, CLOSE, LONG term friendships unless they find the other person physically attractive and is on their level.


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## NextTimeAround

kendall2 said:


> I put software on her phone to record all her messages. I checked it last week and again I don't see anything overt in the texts its just the tone and topics. The conversation style is intimate just not necessarily the content although without exaggeration not 3 or 4 text go between them without some joke or oblique refernce to sex or nudity. Nothing concrete just sly references over and over. When we talk about it she just says they are jokes nothing more.:scratchhead:
> 
> Also, i bluntly asked her if she had a problem with me looking at her messages. She said "no" but she doesn't know I can read things she thinks are deleted.
> 
> Still I don't have very good access to her phone since she keeps it so close to her.


I'd be interested in seeing some examples.


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## Amplexor

Original post is from 2010


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## marjoey

You know my wife and I just came across this situation and here's the deal....Talk set the ground rules be open and honest on EVERY move. Don't be taken back nwhen your spouse feels threatened because if you value your relationship then you will feel threatened even in the slighest way. My wife and I both knew this one guy, I went to grammer school and coincidently she worked with him as a teenager. He had asked her out back in the day and she refused. He was cool with that . flash forward to today. We recently saw him in a drug store and after small chit chat he said he wanted to come by time to time and catch up, ok cool I thought but one problem he made it a point to give my wife his cell number, RED FLAG. I was concerned but I had the feeling there would be more to this story and I was right. One day after we saw him he started texting her, first it was on a Saturday, he came over the next day , we were have a bbq and he sat down with us, problem I thought was that he wanted to chit chat with my wife only and barely spoke to me even though I knew him longer. He made it a point to tell her he is estranged from his wife in N Carolina and she wont be taking him back....Another RED FLAG. Then the convo got creepy, he started to tell her about all of the people they mutually know and how many of them he has sex with. I heard most convo but waited to talk to my wife about it later and I told her i wasnt comfy with the way and subject he was talking to her about. Well she said that she was listening and it was harmless banter between old friends. That in my opinion is not something that you should be talking to a married woman about period. Next came the texting on Saturdays and sundays. Always explaining that he is on the road or where he is and when he'll be in the area again, like my wife was supposed to care. Next in was on Fridays. Saturdays and Sundays, Then it escultated to wednesdays as well and thats when i saw the pattern of texting was increasing and told my wife that I am extremely uncomfortabe with this and please stop. She saw no harm as he is a friend. I told her by his pattern the next thing he would want to do is talk instead of text and ask you out for coffee, and bingo thats what happened he wants to talk now instead of text. I sat her down explained that I know he is a friend but you are marrried and this is no way for a married woman to act, well after a counceling session the councelor made her see what his pattern was and that he was slowly setting her up. She agreed and told him to stop twice now, but the next time I will tell him and block his number. Please talk to your spouse and explain all your concerns........


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## piggyoink

Goldmember357 said:


> Almost always their exists a physical attraction and obviously a deep emotional connection otherwise you would not have a close friend and the physical attraction exist almost always because people dont typically make REAL, CLOSE, LONG term friendships unless they find the other person physically attractive and is on their level.


Maybe things are different where you are but around me there's a lot of people that are friends with not so good looking people


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## stoney1215

i have a woman friend that i have made after my wife and i were together . she is also married . her and i have many of the same interests . movies , music , politics , roman history , religion , etc.. many of which my wife does not share . we talk via email , phone , and in person on a 3 - 4 times a week basis . my wife and her are also friend , but not nearly as close as her and i . we have gone to the movies together and also have gotten luch alone . 

although she is very attractive , and my eyes do work , i do not have any desire to cheat on my wife what so ever . my wife and i have engaged in 3somes and swinging in the past and from time to time still do . after the 4 of us talking about it we all decided that we would not engage in this with each other . our relationship is and will remain strictly friendship . if for some reason she ever tried to do anything behind my wifes back i would tell my wife and end our relationship immediately . she must not be a real friend if she does not respect me enough to respect my marriage . i am a grown adult who is commited to my wife . no one else has any bearing on that .


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## piggyoink

Just friends? Guys reveal sexual interest in gal pals - TODAY Health
Can men and women be "just friends?" A new study suggests the answer is yes — but guys may be more attracted to their gal friends than vice versa.


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## NextTimeAround

piggyoink said:


> Just friends? Guys reveal sexual interest in gal pals - TODAY Health
> Can men and women be "just friends?" A new study suggests the answer is yes — *but guys may be more attracted to their gal friends than vice versa.*


But I think women are into one upmanship.....meaning if they can get their male friends to show more affection in front of their male friend's partner.....that would be a score.

men and women just get off on different things.


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## piggyoink

Well in other words, it depends on the situation.


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## stoney1215

piggyoink said:


> Well in other words, it depends on the situation.


im curious , do you think that you are not able to have a friend of the opposite sex ? if not why is that ? if you are , what is the situation you are able to ? does it have anything to do with you ?


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## piggyoink

stoney1215 said:


> im curious , do you think that you are not able to have a friend of the opposite sex ? if not why is that ? if you are , what is the situation you are able to ? does it have anything to do with you ?


I and the people around me tend to have opposite sex friends. Its normal. If you can't trust someone to have a friend, well, that says a lot about the person in general. You can't be with someone literally 24/7 unless you're Gorean.


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## The Middleman

kendall2 said:


> What is ok in a marriage for a wife or a husband to have in terms of relationships with the opposite sex?


Every couple is different and ever person is different. Here are my thoughts on the subject. I think that this issue is an all or nothing proposition. If you are against her being friends with a guy, I think she has to respect that. And naturally the same goes for you too, no friendships with women. My logic behind this is position is that when one marries, one MUST give up a certain amount of their independence *and* individuality because a married couple, for the most part, is one unit, not two. If only one marriage partner is uncomfortable with bringing members of the opposite sex into their lives then it can't move forward. There will always be some resentment over this but personal sacrifice is part of the marriage equation. If either one of you can't get over that, then you need to be having a much broader discussion, if you know what I mean. 

As a general rule in my home, *personal private friendships with members of the opposite sex are not permitted on either side.* We came to this conclusion a few years ago after a minor "incident" we had in our marriage. 



kendall2 said:


> If its ok then should your spouse have to tell you what she is texting her friend about?


My personal opinion is that it all contact of any kind has to be wide open. You need to have access to everything they say and do together and there is no reason for your wife not to agree, unless she has something to hide.


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## NextTimeAround

Despite my experiences, I would like to keep an open mind.

What has changed though, is that that female friend of my husband's needs to get along with me......not vice versa (or don't bother knocking).


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## LOSTfan

I would suggest that friends of the opposite sex who were friends before you got together with your wife, generally should be exempt. Maintaining that friendship should still be done with the best interest of the marriage.

But if shes making friends with new males, or rekindling old distant past males, there should be strict boundaries enforced at all times.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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