# Why am I still bothered by this?!?



## Unsure2621

I don't understand how I am still as bothered by this as I am. I made the huge mistake of looking at my ex h's FB this morning and he has posted a pic of he and his new girlfriend (affair partner) holding hands. The pic is just of their hands are entwined together. You wouldn't think it would bother me at this point but it does. They have been together for 8 months and we have been divorced for one.

How long will this actually continue to bother me? A year or two from now if they are still together am I going to be just as upset at the sight of them?

I guess it just makes me ill that he could move on so quickly after a 14 year union like it meant nothing to him. It really does break my heart to know that I meant so little.


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## WomanScorned

You are still bothered because it hasn't been that long. You will be bothered by it for a while. I would also suggest NOT looking at the ex's Facebook page. There's nothing productive in that. 

I'm 18 months out from separation, 14 months post-divorce and I had a melt down yesterday over seeing ex's affair partner's new signature. Apparently the ex married her, so now when she picks up my kid from daycare I get to see her new last name, which used to be mine. That was fun. I don't know how long it goes on for. I'm hoping time cures the pain. The pain has gotten better as it's no longer debilitating like it was at first. But it still hurts way more than I would like.


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## Unsure2621

I have a feeling that this will end for me the same way - with her changing her last name. It's just amazing how they can walk away like none of it mattered at all. It is extremely painful.

Mine has changed completely to fit the image of his new g/f. He is dripped in jewelry just like her. Hair grown out. Silly hats. I am left wondering if this is who he really is/was or if the man I was with for 14 years was the real person. It leaves the question was my whole marriage and relationship just one big sham? 

I'm hoping time takes away some of the restlessness I feel. I'm not sure the pain will ever go away completely.


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## Jellybeans

Sorry to hear you are feeling down.

Block him from your Facebook. Do not look at his page. It is going to make you feel worse each time you do.

Time...and no contact are the only way to heal a broken heart.


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## Almostrecovered

my first thought is why haven't you blocked him yet?


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## Unsure2621

Jelly and Almost - I know I know. I did block him and only recently unblocked him so he could see photos I am posting of my daughter on her FB page. I immediately went back in and blocked him AGAIN for the final and last time today. It's just too hard for me not to look and I am just setting myself up for more hurt and pain.

Some days I do really good but others I can't stop obsessing over the two of them. It's royally unhealthy for me - I know.


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## ScarletBegonias

I see you're in the 'torture thyself' phase.This is an ugly time but it WILL pass as soon as you kick yourself in the pants and make it stop.
I understand that feeling of needing to see what he's doing and what's going on,I can't explain the feeling but I know it well.It's going to be really tough at first to stop looking,stop wanting to inquire about him but the longer you do it the easier it will get.


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## Unsure2621

It's pathetic but I honestly thought the process of divorce would have kicked him in the ass and he would wake up and realize what he was losing. That didn't happen so I am going to have to stop thinking of the two of them as being in an affair - and accept that they are in a relationship. It's a very strange feeling. I guess when he told me that he had been miserable for years and didn't love me he was being honest - and I just need to swallow that jagged little pill and move on. 

I'm trying to focus less on him and more on what I contributed to the failure of the marriage. And hopefully be able to create a loving and lasting relationship with someone else in the future.


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## Honeystly

I'm in your boat. I'm 7 months into separation (I have to wait a year for a divorce here) and have FB slips via friends sometimes. It also kills me to see these stupid FB updates. I know about the whole new gf thing is ridiculous, since to me it doesn't seem legit. To just be replaced and given some bull**** excuse of I didn't love you... Then divorce, take a time out, reflect, grieve and finally move on. Don't just move on. Don't worry though, they'll be out of their honeymoon stage in like 4-5 months and hopefully get less insensitive..... It should bother you, rightfully so. I keep reading that an average time it takes to heal from a divorce is about 2 years. If that's the case then you're about a third of a way there. No wonder it hurts. God, some people have no consideration or respect for other people's feelings. After all these years, at least he could hold his horses and not rub it in, huh? 
I just think that eventually he'll repeat the same pattern again. HOw could he not? He never took time to reflect. He's probably just recreating the beginnings of your relationship right now, doing what he knows.. That simply means that the problems from your relationship will jump right into theirs and carry on under a disguise of a different scenario. I'm sorry you're going through this. Sucks, doesn't it? Good luck, stay tough:crazy:


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## Honeystly

Btw, why do you have to stop seeing it as an affair? It was, and it's still the same relationship built on lies and betrayal, so no, you don't have to think of it as a legit relationship. What he did was not ok, so don't give them credit they don't deserve.As far as you're concerned it was/is an affair relationship.


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## Unsure2621

It's absolute hell. I honestly think the sweetest revenge would be for both my ex h and the OW to feel the hurt and pain that I have felt. That is honestly all I want for the two of them. Maybe then they will learn to be less selfish.

In the meantime I guess I need to practice the art of living well. I am financially strong. And I know that in time I am a good catch if I want to go into a new relationship. But it doesn't make the pain any less.

The hard part is that we have a 12 year old which makes NC difficult at times. But I have been pretty sturdy as of late in changing or redirecting the topic it's off course. I really don't want him to get the impression that we are "friends" because that will likely never happen.


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## Honeystly

Nope. He doesn't deserve friendship. You don't betray, lie, deceive and abandon a friend. He needs consequences for his actions. I really hate cheaters...


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## eldubya

Greetings Unsure:

I feel your pain, am going through similar feelings when I see the XH with his new "relationship". In my case, however, his new gal is like, 20 years his senior, so I have come to realize he needs (and needed) a Mother, not a wife. That may be true of many ex-spouses: they jump into a new relationship because they know they cannot live independently, and they cannot stand being alone. They are looking for someone to replace all the things that you did for them as a spouse.
This may not help the hurt. However, it is never wise to go with the rebound relationship. I do not know if you have looked at statistics: for first marriages 1 in 2 will fail; for second marriages after divorce the statistics are way bleaker (sorry, but I don't have the report where I found these earlier). This is probably because the remarriages occur before the partners had time to process what went wrong in their first marriages!


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## lonedogwpco

I am going through the same torture.My wife left me May 1,she wanted to work on things with herself and be on her own as she's never been on her own before,we were suppose to work on things that way and not get a divorce,thats what she said,then in June when I was putting a huge effort to win her back she started to treat me like a stranger,then in mid July I pryed it out of her she's seeing someone since early June.She pressed me to get the divorce done and it was granted in one week.It was uncontested.I have been with her for 11 years and she was best friends and a mother to my daughter from another relationship.

Then she started posting all these pictures with the new guy all over facebook.even though she blocked me, my daughter and i can see it through my daughters facebook.It is really hurting my daughter.The ex is even calling the new guy cute names she used to call me in the photos.This hurts soooo bad as its only been May 1 when she moved out.


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## nice777guy

Keep in mind how this reflects on these spouses and Ex's - flaunting their new "relationships" when some people may not have even realized that you were divorced or separated. No class...


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## dadda11o

"he needs (and needed) a Mother, not a wife. "

That comment speaks volumes; in my case, we have been going through a divorce he filed nearly 2 years ago. It was supposed to be the "world's fastest" because he had met his "mature, true" love and was going to marry her (sad to say, she does not show the same inclination to rid herself of HER spouse!!)

So my husband has been living next door, with his mother, for some time. Every so often, I see the other woman's vehicle parked there and they all go out to eat or something. My MIL has called her "a nice woman" and "good friend" to her son; acts as if I died (!!) and thinks NOTHING of the fact that she is supporting the destruction of her granddaughter's family (for the second time; this is our 2nd marriage and divorce).

I haven't a clue exactly what I am going to do once the divorce is final; being left in a pretty tight spot, financially and etc. But I supported myself before I met and married my husband and I actually was doing just wonderfully before he wanted to get back together. I learned after this divorce was filed that he has a serious gambling problem ... and no, it is really not "socially acceptable" or attractive to see a 50-year-old "man" accompanied by his mommie everywhere, so I too think they hone in on those they think will "take care of" them. I used to, but I got some good therapy and changed during our divorce. And yes, I hurt some too ... we went through a lot of things and as I told him, if we (both) got our relationship with God right and with each other, there was no problem that couldn't be solved. He chooses to trust money and image ... it hurts for now, but I KNOW staying together where we were obviously so far apart would have hurt, too. I cringe every time I go into the Courthouse and see him seated next to his mother; when his attorney calls his name for conference, she gets up and toddles along with him, just like she's his wife.

I think eldubya has a point; but it may not be as obvious as it is in my case. You can focus on you and your child/ren for the moment. Also, please try to realize that those that caught up in affairs will often say some downright mean and nasty things that may or MAY NOT be true. At any rate, he didn't say a word to you before the hurtful comments? Then that would make him a sham. I hope you don't beat yourself up over that though, there is less shame in trusting than in being untrustworthy. And some people go to great lengths to hide the truth. It will hurt less in future; that is almost a guarantee, especially if you keep working on being the best YOU ... he is "standing still" in an adolescent mind set; you have the choice and opportunity to grow beyond that and keep going.

I hope you find what I did; that I really didn't contribute "too much" to the failure of the marriage. I was merely naive and inexperienced with problems relating to low self esteem. I gave in to many little requests until I lost myself. It was a long road back, but there was a lot of joy in finding out that I wasn't the misfit I'd been made to feel like (courtesy of husband/his relatives).


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## eldubya

Thanks for sharing dadda!
Wow, remarkable thoughts and I can tell you are a strong person! I am in counseling, and I'll say it really helps! Sounds as if you have gotten some sound emotional help too!
In my case, the marriage was really too much of a burden for me--the XH was taking many things out on me using passive aggression which he denied. I have read up and asked alot about narcissism and adult children of narcissism. In my case, I believe the XH was using me as a parental figure, and using me also to get back at a narcissistic parent. I don't know if it helped him get over some of his issues, but this gave me severe PTSD! Counseling helps with this!
One thing I have learned and can share: pain helps you grow, and (OK it's two things) God works in mysterious ways. Let God help the healing!
Peace


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## dadda11o

Eldubya, thanks for your reply! I posted in here a while back in the infidelity section; didn't get much feedback (and the story is so crazy, I'm not surprised, when I look back!). It was good to hear what you had to say ... I went back to the therapist I'd gone to before ... and I recalled that sometimes, when I talked about things going on between us, the therapist would comment, "narcissist".I never took his comment(s) anywhere further back then, but things really started falling into place when I started reviewing things in books about personality (before I started back in therapy). 

And I hope some of this type of information can help you, Unsure. I went through agonies for years because I was the "identified patient" the "screw-up" etc. When I look back more objectively, I see a lot of instances where those outside of my marriage actually communicated (through actions like job offers, etc) that I had (hopefully still have!) a lot of potential and positive qualities. 

And of course, you are going to be bothered, because most (?) people, I think, go into marriage with the idea of it lasting ... they are going to be bothered if it goes down the tubes, especially without a whimper or attempt at repair. Most marriages are PROBABLY fixable, but the people within have to be willing to fix themselves. Someone who thinks they can change the "face" (the partner) without changing themself is bound to face the same or similar issues at some point, and for many immature people, the main "issue" is "You are not making me happy". They lose the "in love" feeling; they are done. You don't do for them, they are done. I don't know your husband well enough to say anything specific, but it strikes me that this time, while it IS sad, can be a springboard for growth and laying down personal foundations so that you will be able to form and maintain a healthy and satisfying and especially, lasting relationship that will not break apart from small or superficial stresses.


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## xirokx

OMG I can so identify with this pain...

I discovered via FB through a chat with EX and her friend she was indeed seeing someone else before she ended us...

I could never quite get over how she could look so happy and content and smile and sleep whilst I was still in the flat...

For months I worried about her safety and well being until I saw the messages between her and her friend on FB...my world ended twice in 6 months...

The fact she quit, didnt give herself time to reflect or even want to try and work things out makes me worry (dont ask why) that she is just setting herself up for a fall..

Its so hard to not look at her FB and see whats going on....

In one way I feel fortunate there was no divorce or kids involved as we were engaged, together for 5yrs but boy the pain of seeing them continue living whilst I am in limbo in heartbreaking at times...

To make matters worse I moved out after I found out she had a male "friend", I took mostly everything i paid for but now when I look for places to rent, I always compare it to my old place...

She is still in their I dont know how she can live with herself being in the place we found, we took care of, we shared so many memories in...

Recently it was my bday and she text me happy bday, all the best....I replied with who is this, knowing full well who, and when she replied I did not...

How can people just jump from one person to the next, does she have no self respect, no consideration for her body, sometimes i think NOT, I think to her its just a tool to ulitise and get what she wants i.e. marriage and kids which I wanted but not until I was a bit more stable as I didnt want to work 80hr weeks to find out she "fell out of love with me and was taking the kid too"

life sucks at times I tell ya....

not as much as your ex though


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