# Against advice talked to OM



## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Night before last I called the OM so that my wife and I could ask him questions. (I know you guys adviced against that very action)

The call went well. I was able to go over some things I had questions about with my wife's side of it, she was able to ask her questions, he was able to ask his questions.

One thing he said to me was that from the day I found out that he was up front and willing to answer anything I asked. That he could not understand why I went to his stbxw, parents, facebook friends, cheaterville, and work. That he lost his Job, lost friends, grandparents would not talk to him, parents took away his support, was about to have to move, and everyone knew now. All of that fairly calm. 

He said at first he was mad about it, but that he saw the hurt and pain in my writings and knew he had a big part to play in it. That he was excepting responsiblity for the bad choices he made, and that him being in a bad spot and hurting because of his soon to be finial devorice was no excuse for his actions.

I think the call brought some closure to us all. I removed the cheaterville posting in an attempt to forgive my wife and him for the pain they have caused me and the kids. (themselfs as well)

The wife and I are still working on things. Its been a long 4 months and see many many more days of hardship ahead. I dont know if I will ever be the same happy, go lucky, fun, take light person I was in the past, but I have already learned a lot and know I will learn more about myself before we get past this. 

Thank you all for your help, support, and advice. I've used TAM to lean on and will contenue to do so.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Don't get me wrong, the anger towards the OM is definitely understandable. But you got him fired and went on a rampage against him?

Fair enough I suppose.

But if this is the kind of hatred you have for him to get him fired, then your anger with your wife should be double.

She is the one that directly betrayed you, and she gets to come out of it virtually unscathed.

Just like the guys who want to beat the OM up. If they wouldn't beat their wife up, they should leave the OM alone. 

About the most I'd ever consider doing is outing an OM to his wife because she deserves the truth.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> Don't get me wrong, the anger towards the OM is definitely understandable. But you got him fired and went on a rampage against him?
> 
> Fair enough I suppose.
> 
> ...


I felt that we was suffering and had hardships (with wife trying to kill herself, the pain I still have, the kids upset and not understanding what was going on) but he didn't have any consequences for his part in it. He took advantage of my wife being in a bad spot mentaly. He gave her pleanty of chances to back out of it for his conscius while at the same time making it seem the right thing to do.

I did not apologize for doing any of what I did, but I did remove the posting.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Dexter Morgan said:


> Don't get me wrong, the anger towards the OM is definitely understandable. But you got him fired and went on a rampage against him?
> 
> Fair enough I suppose.
> 
> ...


Speaking only for myself, my continued disdain for the OM and vague hopes of bad karma for him (including my more violent flights of fancy) stem from the fact that I know the consequences my wife is facing. I know what she's having to do to regain and retain my trust. I know what she/we have lost. And, while OM made no vows to me, he's just as guilty as she is. The only consequence that I'm aware of him facing is getting the divorce that he claimed to want, anyway. So, what's he lost? He needs to pay the piper, as well, but doesnt seemed to have suffered any ill effects of his actions.

And I WOULD like to see him suffer a bit, just like we have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Grayson said:


> Speaking only for myself, my continued disdain for the OM and vague hopes of bad karma for him (including my more violent flights of fancy) stem from the fact that I know the consequences my wife is facing.


If you are that angry with the OM, then you should be more angry with your wife. And if you desire all these bad things to happen to him, then you should desire double for your wife.

But you gave her a 2nd chance. Thats a reward, not a consequence.




> I know what she's having to do to regain and retain my trust. I know what she/we have lost. And, while OM made no vows to me, he's just as guilty as she is.


Absolutely right he is just as guilty IMO. Yet you will spare your W, and seek to destroy the OM. It doesn't make sense.

Don't get wrong, I'm all for wishing bad on the OM, but then again, I didn't stay with my wife either. If I had stayed with my wife, I'd have to realize that anything I wish on the OM should go twice for her.




> The *only* consequence that I'm aware of him facing is getting the divorce that he claimed to want, anyway. So, what's he lost? He needs to pay the piper, as well, but doesnt seemed to have suffered any ill effects of his actions.


Then your wife needs to pay the piper even more so. And no, regaining your trust isn't paying the piper.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

what are you saying Dex, everyone who was cheated on should get divorced?


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Dexter said: Just like the guys who want to beat the OM up. If they wouldn't beat their wife up, they should leave the OM alone.

And I agree 110%

The day I went around to the OM house and gave him hell, I also kicked my WW out of the house (didn't beat him up as he hid in the shower - he got his mam to do the talking - tbh I wouldn't hit him anyway, it's not worth the police record.)

Anyway, I have always believed that I can't do anything to him that I'm not prepared to do to her. I called him to account and made him face the wreckage caused, just as I have with her who also has to make to effort and try to and repair it.

It was she who stood at the altar with me, not him.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> what are you saying Dex, everyone who was cheated on should get divorced?


No, I'm pointing out that it doesn't make sense to want to destroy the OM/OW, yet not destroy the spouse. If one doesn't want to divorce and wants to give the WS a 2nd chance, then the OM/OW should be insignificant to them. Maybe out them to their spouse, but not to destroy them.

What I'm saying is the anger towards the cheating spouse should be greater.

But yes, I am an advocate of divorcing cheaters. Why settle for them?


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Numb-badger said:


> *Anyway, I have always believed that I can't do anything to him that I'm not prepared to do to her.* I called him to account and made him face the wreckage caused, just as I have with her who also has to make to effort and try to and repair it.
> 
> *It was she who stood at the altar with me, not him*.


So no fights, but what about all the pain the WS has knowing what they did has cost them so much? What about the kids pain from seeing the two people they love the most hurting and not knowing why? (my son knows by accident) What about the $100's going to MC, and IC to try and save the marriage? How much did it cost him? Two hours of his time, and 22 cents in gas. I didn't feel like he had to account for anything. What's to make him stop and think about the next time he wants to ask for pictures, or tell a woman she deserves this?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> So no fights, but what about all the pain the WS has knowing what they did has cost them so much? What about the kids pain from seeing the two people they love the most hurting and not knowing why? (my son knows by accident) What about the $100's going to MC, and IC to try and save the marriage? How much did it cost him? Two hours of his time, and 22 cents in gas. I didn't feel like he had to account for anything. What's to make him stop and think about the next time he wants to ask for pictures, or tell a woman she deserves this?


I think all you accomplish with contacting the OM is to fire up your WSs lust and sympathy for poor him, and he won by getting you to pull the cheaters post that this scum bag earned and deserved.

So now keep a close eye on your wife as she softens her resolve for R and feels bad for her BF being so badly off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> So no fights, but what about all the pain the WS has knowing what they did has cost them so much? What about the kids pain from seeing the two people they love the most hurting and not knowing why? (my son knows by accident) What about the $100's going to MC, and IC to try and save the marriage? How much did it cost him?


According to you, his job. So now your wife should suffer something equal, and what you have put forth so far doesn't reach that level.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Should be interesting to see what pops out of the ground after planting this seed.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I think all you accomplish with contacting the OM is to fire up your WSs lust and sympathy for poor him, and he won by getting you to pull the cheaters post that this scum bag earned and deserved.
> 
> So now keep a close eye on your wife as she softens her resolve for R and feels bad for her BF being so badly off.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know that voice lie detectors are not full proof, even though the one I have seems to be real close, but she says she's glad he didn't get out of it with no consequences. As far as him winning because I pulled the cheaters post... he sounded remorsful for his actions and never asked me to take it down, and dont you think he has suffered enough. Not many people in his life dont know what he did. Lost job, house, chance to fix things with his wife, grandparents, and friends. I think he learned something from all of this and will think twice before working on a spouse for a one night quick f**k.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> According to you, his job. So now your wife should suffer something equal, and what you have put forth so far doesn't reach that level.


You must not have kids Dexter, or you would know that seeing pain in your kids eyes over something you made the selfish choice to do is far worse than lossing a job.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

How exactly did his cheating with your wife and trashing your marriage cost him his job?

It sounds more like he's a train wreck all on his own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Should be interesting to see what pops out of the ground after planting this seed.


Are you talking about if my wife is going to feel sorry for him and go back to him?

I don't think that will be a problem. (then again I would have bet my life that my wife would not ever cheat on me) But if something does come of it, then I will know that she was not 100% into the R, and I can move on with my life.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

What out for her reaching out to him with a "I'm so sorry it turned out this way..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Your wife and you will always have the pain of her betrayal to deal with. As for the OM I have no sympathy it's his problem and his consequences. You did a good job of exposing him , don't let anyone convince you otherwise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> How exactly did his cheating with your wife and trashing your marriage cost him his job?
> 
> It sounds more like he's a train wreck all on his own.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Posted him on cheaterville. Then I sent msg to all his facebook friends with a link to it. His boss was on his friends list as was many of his clients I guess.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Wanabeelee said:


> Posted him on cheaterville. Then I sent msg to all his facebook friends with a link to it. His boss was on his friends list as was many of his clients I guess.



Dam fine job
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> What out for her reaching out to him with a "I'm so sorry it turned out this way..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for the advice shaggy. I think that would put our R almost back to the start or may even make it to hard to R. I'm starting to trust a little more now, but I have gps, vars, keyloggers on just about everything. I just dont look at them every 5 min anymore. (more like every 4 hours now)


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Dam fine job
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you. I did feel pleased with myself after I seeded google to make it the number one link in the USA when you searched his name. His page had over 700K views before I took it down.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I do have a morbid curiousity, so what did he say?

What was the reason he gave your wife why he only wanted sex?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I confronted the skankasaurus wrecks. I wrote her a nice email asking to her please leave my husband alone. She wrote back saying she was sorry for my pain and blah, blah, blah. She wasn't sorry. She was about as fake as a three dollar bill. I thought she would see my pain and do the right thing. Yeah right. I should have just told her she has a face like a butthole and she could go to hell.
Still, I hope in your case, the OM feels genuine remorse and has learned his lesson.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I do have a morbid curiousity, so what did he say?
> 
> What was the reason he gave your wife why he only wanted sex?


Well you guys know just about everything else, so might as well share it.

He said:

He was not in a good place because his wife had served him with papers and kicked him out of her house. So he got an appartment (that he is lossing first week of Jan) That he made a mistake that night and a few nights before. He was upset, didn't feel wanted, etc, etc, etc. 

His parents have been taking him to support meetings and IC, or so they say. I think I got as much sympathy from them as I did mine.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I get the feeling you hate him so much because he scorned \ hurt your wife. (made her feel pretty rotten by using her for sex)
I think you must love your wife a lot. To do what you did. 
I hope you are able to pull this off, but I fear the long term affects of what she \ they did have not hit you yet. Hopefully you are a little more legally kind with your wife when it does. (one of those, gee I hope they never get mad at me comments). Take care.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> You must not have kids Dexter, or you would know that seeing pain in your kids eyes over something you made the selfish choice to do is far worse than lossing a job.


Yes, I have 2 young kids. 

Why would your kids have pain? You and your wife stayed together, no? Even if the family was split up, that would be on the cheating spouse.

And only way your kids would have pain in their eyes is if you told them that mommy cheated on daddy. Why are they in pain?


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Your wife and you will always have the pain of her betrayal to deal with. As for the OM I have no sympathy it's his problem and his consequences. You did a good job of exposing him , don't let anyone convince you otherwise.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh don't get me wrong, I'm all for exposing the OM, but to his wife and family. Getting him fired went too far unless there is an equivalent consequence to OP's wife. And don't get me wrong with that point either. I'd have no problem getting the OM fired, because I would have divorced my wife, as I did in real life.

Again, its the idea that he would seek to destroy the OM, when its his wife he should be dealing with more accordingly.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

I understand your logic, Dexter, but let's look at things point by point.



Dexter Morgan said:


> If you are that angry with the OM, then you should be more angry with your wife. And if you desire all these bad things to happen to him, then you should desire double for your wife.


And, on D-Day and the days immediately after, I did. I was most definitely angry at both of them. My wife demonstrated remorse and (odd as it sounds to say) honesty in addressing the A and it's aftermath. OM did not. When my wife told him that I knew and that he was to make no further contact, he expressed no remorse at all, only a fear that I would expose to his wife.



> But you gave her a 2nd chance. Thats a reward, not a consequence.


I think we might be splitting hairs here, but that second chance wasn't without its strings attached. She agreed to life under a microscope until such time as trust has been fully regained, to put it in the simplest terms, without making a laundry list of every little point that entails.



> Absolutely right he is just as guilty IMO. Yet you will spare your W, and seek to destroy the OM. It doesn't make sense.


At what point did I say I seek to destroy him? I wish him ill will, but that's it. I am, in fact, in a position to, if not "destroy him," to hasten his self-destruction at work, but I don't. I let his actions and performance speak for themselves. Have I had daydreams about acting out of character for myself and doing him harm? Sure...I'll cop to that. But I wouldn't act upon them. I've also ha daydreams about flying, but I don't jump off the roof because of them.



> Don't get wrong, I'm all for wishing bad on the OM, but then again, I didn't stay with my wife either. If I had stayed with my wife, I'd have to realize that anything I wish on the OM should go twice for her.


From my perspective, only if she wasn't repentant. My wife is. OM is not. I've seen him, in fact, trying to use the same tactics on other women that he used on my wife...and even try to proposition her again months later. Where she appears to have learned from her - admittedly horrible - mistake, he has not.



> Then your wife needs to pay the piper even more so. And no, regaining your trust isn't paying the piper.


She has shown a willingness to make amends, where he has not. Everyone's debt to that piper is different, based upon their actions and mindset upon discovery.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> According to you, his job. So now your wife should suffer something equal, and what you have put forth so far doesn't reach that level.


Are you the one who cheated or the one cheated on? What ever the case you don't seem to have a good grasp on what this does to the BS, and family. I want the OW in my case to get hit by a bus; and I am not in the least sorry about that. My H has paid through the nose for what he has done, but she waltzed off to be totally free to try and destroy another family. I think if this piece of S**t lost his job over this, he might think twice before doing this again. This is exactly why you expose. To make it hard to continue with this kind of behavior. I would not take that listing off of cheaterville.com either.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> Well you guys know just about everything else, so might as well share it.
> 
> He said:
> 
> ...


If any thing you didn't go far enough.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

This is real simple----BUT FOR, what your wife did, we wouldn't be having this thread would we. Her lover is a POS, true, but in all reality, all he did was go along for the ride with her.

YOUR WIFE IS THE SINGLE/ONLY PERSON RESONSIBLE FOR YOUR MGE.----Not the lover.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If the AP knows there with someones spouse then they to are guilty of adultory. IMO his wife is the only person resposnible for her infidelity and if the the lover know there partner is married then they are just as guilty.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> Night before last I called the OM so that my wife and I could ask him questions. (I know you guys adviced against that very action)


In a thread titled “Been some time, but need some advice” in a 12-08-2011 12:20 PM post you stated that “She had no intentions of staying with me till she found out that he didn't have any interest in her. (So hard being the fall back guy after 18 years).” You also stated that “She wants to ask the OM what about her made him ask for the pics in the first place, what about her was so wrong that he only wanted sex from her, what he felt about her before and now.” In other words, if he had not dumped her, she was going to dump you, and she wanted to know what she could have done different to have won him over. Did you really sit back and let her ask him those questions in front of you?


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> If you are that angry with the OM, then you should be more angry with your wife. And if you desire all these bad things to happen to him, then you should desire double for your wife.
> 
> But you gave her a 2nd chance. Thats a reward, not a consequence.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

I politely disagree with everyone saying the hatred for the DS should be double the hatred for the OW/OM...

I am furious with my husband. But my love for him is not a switch that can be turned on and off.
I am more furios with the OW, and I too had contact with her, and my husband present. It was important to me that she told me her side of the story infront of my husband, as I wanted to see if their stories matched up.

It was also important that I was able to ask him the same questions he had already answered, but this time infront of her, as with her present, he had no room to lie... If he did lie, throwing her under the bus, I would clearly see it from her reaction.

I asked him to arrange the meet up, listened to the conversation, the meet up happened only hours after I requested it, and I stayed by his side the entire time so I could be certain he didn't contact her to plead her to "go along with it"..

I got closure in the sense that 99 out of 100 questions I asked him, didn't spark any red flags. I saved the most painful one for last.. And immediately when I asked the question, he looked down, ashamed..

"Did you ever tell her you love her? (do you love her?)"

She answered it for him. She said yes.

aAfter minute of silence, me dying on the inside.. He whispered to us, "Not that kind of love," then focused on me, "not like I love you."

Still, it haunts me.

I hate her because she knew about me.
She came around me with this secret.
She had the part off my husband that I had been missing, crying over losing this part of him, because I couldn't seem to bring this part of him out.. For three years. My husband suddenly "disapeared" though he was physically present. She stole the part of him I was missing from me, even though he Gave it to her. I was mad at her, I wanted her to give this part of my husband back to me, she never deserved it and she greedily took it, denying me what was Mine! But she can't give it back, she will have this part of my husband forever, she can recall it in her memory whenever she wants.. Its hers to keep.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Grayson said:


> I understand your logic, Dexter, but let's look at things point by point.
> 
> 
> 
> And, on D-Day and the days immediately after,* I did*. I was most definitely angry at both of them. My wife demonstrated remorse and (odd as it sounds to say) honesty in addressing the A and it's aftermath. OM did not. When my wife told him that I knew and that he was to make no further contact, he expressed no remorse at all, only a fear that I would expose to his wife.


I'm still waiting to hear the doubling of consequences for your wife that you felt the need to dole out to the OM. And of course your wife seems remorseful:scratchhead: and the OM doesn't. OM doesn't have to live with you




> At what point did I say I seek to destroy him?


Well when you focused on exposing him at work, there you have it.

So by getting OM fired, your wife needs to suffer something. But since you are with her still, I just don't know what that could be. Indefinite house arrest maybe?




> She has shown a willingness to make amends, where he has not.


He's not married to you, she is.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Dexter Morgan said:


> I'm still waiting to hear the doubling of consequences for your wife that you felt the need to dole out to the OM. And of course your wife seems remorseful:scratchhead: and the OM doesn't. OM doesn't have to live with you


I don't believe that one can only show remorse to someone they're married to.



> Well when you focused on exposing him at work, there you have it.


There I have what? I've not "focused on exposing him at work."



> So by getting OM fired, your wife needs to suffer something. But since you are with her still, I just don't know what that could be. Indefinite house arrest maybe?


Um...are you sure you're not confusing me with the OP? I've not gotten the OM fired.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

Doesn't look like Dexter even read any of your thread.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> Yes, I have 2 young kids.
> 
> Why would your kids have pain? You and your wife stayed together, no? Even if the family was split up, that would be on the cheating spouse.
> 
> And only way your kids would have pain in their eyes is if you told them that mommy cheated on daddy. Why are they in pain?


Even my 6 year old knows that something is wrong between the two of us. She has been having nightmares now every other night..(has not had them but a few times her whole life) Our 12 year old was at our bedroom door and knows what she did. You cant tell me that your kids are not hurting when you and your wife split, or that they didn't notice yours or your wifes pain before. Unless it was a toxic relationship between the two of you for a while. Me and the kids thought everything was going great. We was all happy, then one day everyones sad. Kids cant always understand but they always notice more than you give them credit for.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

jnj express said:


> This is real simple----BUT FOR, what your wife did, we wouldn't be having this thread would we. Her lover is a POS, true, but in all reality, all he did was go along for the ride with her.
> 
> YOUR WIFE IS THE SINGLE/ONLY PERSON RESONSIBLE FOR YOUR MGE.----Not the lover.


Yes, your right on the fact that it was her choice. Her's alone that caused all the pain, mistrust, and the loss of that something special we had together.

Now for the BUT,

He did start it by telling her he's always been attracted to the type of person she was, asking for adult pics, playing the angel of her missing out by only being with me, working the fight we had that morning to make her feel she made a mistake 18 years ago, telling her how great it was to be single. He played on her emotional problems, and depression to get her to have sex with him. Almost like hitting a guy when they are down. He should have been a friend to her and our family, like he always said he was.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

the guy said:


> If the AP knows there with someones spouse then they to are guilty of adultory. IMO his wife is the only person resposnible for her infidelity and if the the lover know there partner is married then they are just as guilty.


:iagree:

Even more guilty if it's someone who acted as a friend of the family.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

TRy said:


> In a thread titled “Been some time, but need some advice” in a 12-08-2011 12:20 PM post you stated that “She had no intentions of staying with me till she found out that he didn't have any interest in her. (So hard being the fall back guy after 18 years).” You also stated that “She wants to ask the OM what about her made him ask for the pics in the first place, what about her was so wrong that he only wanted sex from her, what he felt about her before and now.” In other words, if he had not dumped her, she was going to dump you, and she wanted to know what she could have done different to have won him over. Did you really sit back and let her ask him those questions in front of you?


I did. She is suffering from a self esteem problem more now than ever. The few things she thought was good about herself are now shattered as well. (good wife / mother) She is 5'1" 130 pounds and have fought weight problems from our first child 12 years ago. She was 5' 90 pounds when we started dating, and she always thought when I called her sexy that I only saw the 15 year old girl and now who she was today. She thought he saw her for who she is now. 

I honestly think that even if she would have started the big D and went to be in a relationship with OM she would have tried to come back... It would have just been to late by then.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> I'm still waiting to hear the doubling of consequences for your wife that you felt the need to dole out to the OM. And of course your wife seems remorseful:scratchhead: and the OM doesn't. OM doesn't have to live with you
> 
> 
> 
> ...


:scratchhead: I guess your wife was not hurt by what she did. Now that my wife is going to IC she is dealing with what her choice brought into our family. She's hurting because of the pain she caused me, the hurt of the kids, and knowing that she was not the good person she thought she was. She's now telling me everything that's going on in her day. (100% transparent) She is having to go over painful truths about her choices in MC, IC, and with me. 

She is becoming the person she always thought, and I always thought she was. 

And on last note a question for you, So just because someone is not married to me they dont have to have any morals or be held responsible for thier actions?


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

GoingNowhere said:


> I politely disagree with everyone saying the hatred for the DS should be double the hatred for the OW/OM...
> 
> I am furious with my husband. But my love for him is not a switch that can be turned on and off.
> I am more furios with the OW, and I too had contact with her, and my husband present. It was important to me that she told me her side of the story infront of my husband, as I wanted to see if their stories matched up.
> ...



Goingnowhere,

I know that pain, as many of us here do. I'm sorry your in it and wish you the best. I'm glad you got your answers, and pray you two can use what happened to build a stronger, happy marriage.


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> Goingnowhere,
> 
> I know that pain, as many of us here do. I'm sorry your in it and wish you the best. I'm glad you got your answers, and pray you two can use what happened to build a stronger, happy marriage.


Thank you. I'm very happy I found this site, though not happy about the circumstance that brought me here.

It's good to talk, and it's better to talk with people who truly understand.

I wish the best for you, as well.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Grayson said:


> There I have what? I've not "focused on exposing him at work."





> Um...are you sure you're not confusing me with the OP? I've not gotten the OM fired.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, confused you with OP. sorry


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

HelloooNurse said:


> Doesn't look like Dexter even read any of your thread.


Yes, I have read this thread, got Gray mixed up with Wanna temporarily.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> Even my 6 year old knows that something is wrong between the two of us. She has been having nightmares now every other night..(has not had them but a few times her whole life) Our 12 year old was at our bedroom door and knows what she did. You cant tell me that your kids are not hurting when you and your wife split, or that they didn't notice yours or your wifes pain before.


Yes, I CAN tell you they didn't notice any "pain" from my wife, because first off, she was the one that was cheating. She was happy to let me babysit the kids while she was off spreading them.

And no, I cannot tell you that they both weren't hurting initially. My youngest didn't know any different and still doesn't. But my oldest was hurt initially, but got over it and realized he'd rather have his father happy. Last thing he would have wanted was for me to stay in the marriage and be miserable. He has fun with a happy dad.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> :scratchhead: I guess your wife was not hurt by what she did.


No, she was, after she got caught. She "seemed" remorseful. But I didn't care at that point.




> And on last note a question for you, So just because someone is not married to me they dont have to have any morals or be held responsible for thier actions?


I agree.

But again, your wife, remorseful or not, is who you should focus your need to enforce accountability. And no, simply being guilty isn't enough, in my opinion only. If its good enough for you, good luck with that.

Point is, its silly to want to destroy the OM, when you want to treat your wife with kid gloves, no matter who is remorseful and who is not. Put the blame where it belongs....with your wife. Just sayin'


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Dexter Morgan said:


> Put the blame where it belongs....with your wife. Just sayin'


While it's true that one's spouse is the only one in the A who's taken vows with you, in many (most?) cases, their AP is fully aware that your spouse is married. Thus, while they've broken no promises to you, they are also responsible for engaging in a relationship with a married person. Thus, they also bear a share of the blame. Just sayin'.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> No, I'm pointing out that it doesn't make sense to want to destroy the OM/OW, yet not destroy the spouse. If one doesn't want to divorce and wants to give the WS a 2nd chance, then the OM/OW should be insignificant to them. Maybe out them to their spouse, but not to destroy them.
> 
> What I'm saying is the anger towards the cheating spouse should be greater.
> 
> But yes, I am an advocate of divorcing cheaters. Why settle for them?


Dex, I appreciate your pro-divorce viewpoint on infidelity. It is up to every individual though, in this case OP has offered R, so it would also be self-destructive to harbour hate towards his WW. I do agree though, it is not worth the trouble of going out of the way to destroy the OM life, however it is his problem to deal with the consequences - if he has set up the dominoes already, why would I NOT want to be the one to strike the first one and watch as they all fall down? Maybe it is the male competitiveness in me that enjoys seeing him suffer... As for the spouse, if OP didn't love her he wouldn't offer R, and also would never wish the same kind of desruction against her.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Lon said:


> Dex, I appreciate your pro-divorce viewpoint on infidelity. It is up to every individual though, in this case OP has offered R, so it would also be self-destructive to harbour hate towards his WW. I do agree though, it is not worth the trouble of going out of the way to destroy the OM life, however it is his problem to deal with the consequences - if he has set up the dominoes already, why would I NOT want to be the one to strike the first one and watch as they all fall down? Maybe it is the male competitiveness in me that enjoys seeing him suffer... As for the spouse, if OP didn't love her he wouldn't offer R, and also would never wish the same kind of desruction against her.


I really didn't do anything that is not suggested to do over and over on this site. I outed the affair to his family and friends. It just also cought his work, clients, and 100,000's of people he didn't know. So I just did a REALLY good job of outing the affair.

My wife's friends, family, and inlaws all know as well. She has freely given up things like, girls night out, passwords, accounts, and informs me of everything she is doing, where shes at, when she's going to be home. So I see she is working on R. I see she is hurting over the choice she made.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Grayson said:


> While it's true that one's spouse is the only one in the A who's taken vows with you, in many (most?) cases, their AP is fully aware that your spouse is married. Thus, while they've broken no promises to you, they are also responsible for engaging in a relationship with a married person. Thus, they also bear a share of the blame. Just sayin'.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh I absolutely agree. Anger at the OM/OW is justifiable. Not arguing that at all. Just shouldn't be more so than the cheating spouse.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Lon said:


> Dex, I appreciate your pro-divorce viewpoint on infidelity. It is up to every individual though, in this case OP has offered R, so it would also be self-destructive to harbour hate towards his WW.


I agree. If he is to forgive his wife and try to make his M work, then the OM needs to be rendered insignificant and ignored.

Rat them out to their unsuspecting wives, and leave it at that.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Dexter Morgan said:


> Oh I absolutely agree. Anger at the OM/OW is justifiable. Not arguing that at all. Just shouldn't be more so than the cheating spouse.


I can't say that I agree 100%. Rather, that such would always be the case following the passage of time.

If one's spouse truly works at reconciliation, but OM/OW makes additional (even if failed) advances towards your spouse, and/or is in a situation that it's impossible to fully ignore them yourself, I find it fully understandable for anger towards one's spouse to subside, while the anger at OM/OW remains unabated (or grows).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Congrats, good for you!! Like I have said before, we can give you suggestions, but you know what is right for you, and calling the OM was the right thing for you to do...I hope that with time things work out for you guys, good luck!!


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## deiswoman (Dec 5, 2011)

You would have saved yourself a lot of pain if you'd have forgiven them. Im sorry you were so hurt initially, though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vickyyy (Oct 28, 2011)

i think OMW should also treat your wife same way u treated OM like exposing to your wifes employer etc because her family is also detroyed like yours.So she also have the rights to take actions like what u did.
please correct me if i am wrong.
thank you.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

I'm not understanding how you lose your job for being in a relationship with a married person anyway??? Maybe he was a crappy employee to begin with and that was their excuse for letting him go? OMW Does have the right to do what he did also if she chooses to do so, everyone deals with pain in different ways...


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## Jane Doe (Dec 19, 2011)

GreenEyes said:


> I'm not understanding how you lose your job for being in a relationship with a married person anyway??? Maybe he was a crappy employee to begin with and that was their excuse for letting him go? OMW Does have the right to do what he did also if she chooses to do so, everyone deals with pain in different ways...



people who work for religious employers (i.e. schools) can and have lost their jobs over infidelity. there are several reasons why, none of which would be important to us here.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Grayson said:


> I can't say that I agree 100%. Rather, that such would always be the case following the passage of time.
> 
> If one's spouse truly works at reconciliation, but OM/OW makes additional (even if failed) advances towards your spouse, and/or is in a situation that it's impossible to fully ignore them yourself, I find it fully understandable for anger towards one's spouse to subside, while the anger at OM/OW remains unabated (or grows).
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sure, *IF* the OM/OW still pursues.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

vickyyy said:


> i think OMW should also treat your wife same way u treated OM like exposing to your wifes employer etc because her family is also detroyed like yours.So she also have the rights to take actions like what u did.
> please correct me if i am wrong.
> thank you.


Your not wrong, and it might have happened if not for the POS OM already messed up their relationship. She found some things that made her strongly believe he was asking a minor for nude pictures.

I also see it as he was the one who started it. (see back post)


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> I also see it as he was the one who started it. (see back post)


So it matters who does the initial pursuing?

You mean your wife doesn't have the ability to refrain from cheating?


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> So it matters who does the initial pursuing?
> 
> You mean your wife doesn't have the ability to refrain from cheating?


She could have, but she didn't. Just like so many other WS here. 

But I do feel that a person with morals dont pursue married women.

If you are just trying to pick a fight with me or you cant stand to be wrong, I'll just say your right. That work for you?


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> She could have, but she didn't. Just like so many other WS here.
> 
> But I do feel that a person with morals dont pursue married women.


And women with morals don't cheat on their husbands.




> If you are just trying to pick a fight with me or you cant stand to be wrong, I'll just say your right. That work for you?


Not trying to pick a fight, but its obvious you want to bury your head in the sand and put all the blame on this OM. You are trying to make excuses for your wife when saying "he started it"

But hey, ignore the facts which is your wife is the one the most to blame here. You go ahead and treat her with kid gloves while having this obsession with making the OM out to be the most to blame. It just isn't so.

If you are forgiving your wife, and your OM is out of the picture, then forget about the OM. Plain and simple. If you and your wife are reconciling, more power to you and I wish you the best.

But there is something seriously wrong with a man that coddles a cheating wife, but feels the need to destroy the OM. Again, don't get me wrong. Anger towards the OM is justified. But never should it be more intense than anger towards your wife.

And if you have no anger towards your wife, then the OM needs to be insignificant in the grand scheme of things.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Jane Doe said:


> people who work for religious employers (i.e. schools) can and have lost their jobs over infidelity. there are several reasons why, none of which would be important to us here.


It's important if the poster outing the OM didn't cost the OM his job, since some people were making comments about that....Just saying


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> She could have, but she didn't. Just like so many other WS here.
> 
> But I do feel that a person with morals dont pursue married women.
> 
> If you are just trying to pick a fight with me or you cant stand to be wrong, I'll just say your right. That work for you?


I agreed with you... that I don't think it's "wrong" to have more hatred towards the OW/OM.. than towards your spouse.... I understand you in that sense.

But might I kindly say.. that I believe you are still defending your wife's actions? 

.... Sorry, I couldn't get that part of the Betrayed Spouse "script" out of my head when I saw this post........ 'defending their actions'...


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

GreenEyes said:


> It's important if the poster outing the OM didn't cost the OM his job, since some people were making comments about that....Just saying


How can the OM's employer know that this is a true accusation... and not hearsay?

Unless I'm wrong, and he sent them physical proof..... his employer is only going off of hearsay..

And if that's the case, he wasn't doing his job up to par to begin with.. it was only a matter of time.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

GoingNowhere said:


> But might I kindly say.. that I believe you are still defending your wife's actions?


I know it was her choice. She picked a chance that he wanted her, and to satisfy her curiosity about sex with another man over 18 years of being with me, our home, and our kids. 

Am I angry with her for that? Hell yes, I am. 

Do I understand why she did it? Not even a little bit.

Do I forgive her for doing it? I'm trying.

Do I think she is sorry she did it? Yes. I also think that even if he would have wanted a relationship with her, that she would have come back to me. It would have just taken more time and I don't think I would have wanted her to by then.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

GoingNowhere said:


> How can the OM's employer know that this is a true accusation... and not hearsay?
> 
> Unless I'm wrong, and he sent them physical proof..... his employer is only going off of hearsay..
> 
> And if that's the case, he wasn't doing his job up to par to begin with.. it was only a matter of time.


You may be right about his job only had a matter of time before it would have ended anyway. My understanding of it was that he didn't deny it and was let go that day.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

GoingNowhere said:


> How can the OM's employer know that this is a true accusation... and not hearsay?
> 
> Unless I'm wrong, and he sent them physical proof..... his employer is only going off of hearsay..
> 
> And if that's the case, he wasn't doing his job up to par to begin with.. it was only a matter of time.


That's what I said earlier......


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