# After ~3 Year Separation...



## cdbaker

It sounds like things might be coming back together.

I'll try to recap what I once wrote here as a 10+ page story, into a paragraph or two:

My wife and I married young in late 2003 (ages 19 and 20) after a 6 month engagement and two years of dating, and had our first child less than a year later. We naturally weren't very mature and neither of us were very "good" at being in a relationship. We both had unrealistic expectations, I delved deeply into pornography after our sex life disappeared during my wife's pregnancy, and things slowly slid downhill. Eventually my porn addiction led to interests in things like swinging, which I managed to convince my wife to try (I never did myself, but let her be shared a few times in order to try it out) which created a ton of conflict within her. On one hand she enjoyed herself, and on the other she felt enormous guilt, while also feeling pressured to participate, knowing that our marriage was on shaky ground and that our sex life was nonexistant. I didn't listen well, was selfish, quick to blame her, etc. She had her issues as well, some that weren't entirely her fault such as depression. Again, we were both immature.

The dabbling in swinging took place from late 2006-early 2008 before we decided we needed to stop, and started marriage counseling. The swinging really, really hurt her. Our first two counselors blamed her lack of libido on much of the problems which placed even more pressure on her. Eventually we found a good counselor who was able to identify my roles in the problem, which I had never seen before, and I realized the incredible danger in pornography. Eventually, my wife got involved illicitly an older married man from an hour away, that was mostly sexual only, which lasted a few months until I caught her. He had previously shared fantasies with both of us when we were into the swinging stuff, but I didn't realize he continued further with her alone. After that, she started a friendship with another couple who had found us on an old swinging site that we no longer used, and discovered they lived nearby and had a child in my daughters school. She began a full blown romantic affair with him that lasted a few months. I eventually caught her, and we had a one month trial separation before she realized he would not leave his wife for her. 

After that, we were back together for about six weeks before she met an older man at her new job who was bad news from top to bottom. Alcoholic, drug abuser, serial manipulator, twice her age with no career and a history of legal problems. She began an affair with him and weeks later moved out to get an apartment with him. I loved my wife and did not want to lose her, but I also realized that simply being made aware of how messed up my problems were, that they could not be fixed overnight and I could not force or "convince" her to give me yet another chance. Our trust was completely gone.

During all of this time, once the third marriage counselor stepped in and woke us both up to our issues, I began to unravel the mess that I had been myself. I had a lot of work to do, including individual counseling to help break down my issues, find healthy ways to correct them, find support and guidance for walking away from porn (one of the hardest things I ever had to do, and that I still struggle with today), and reconnect spiritually with my faith which has lay dormant for years. I was determined to salvage my marriage. 

Over the next nearly three years, she lived with the other man, while our daughter continued to live with me. I struggled to stay afloat financially after she took her income and left me with all our debts. At one point I filed for divorce when she threatened to take our daughter away, and in our state, filing for divorce is the only way to get an emergency temporary custody order. Anyone who has been divorced can attest to the fact that you see people at their absolute WORST when they are divorcing, and it is very true. I didn't want the divorce, I was openly using the system just to keep my daughter at home and away from the bad man, the drugs/alcohol, etc. The old man was also a pedophile it turned out, which myself and others who knew him had long suspected, and he was arrested a little over a year ago for sexually pursuing a 13 year old girl over the course of about 8 months, and was sentenced to three years in prison.

I fought to delay every step of the divorce process, while continuing to support my wife financially wherever possible, though we didn't communicate. She was very understandably done with me. Most of her actions were based on the need to escape our broken marriage, and while she clearly made some poor decisions along the way, she was just desperately trying to free herself. I never gave up on my own goal of learning to be a good husband/father (I took the time I had to make sure I was a great father to our daughter, focusing on her as much as possible), resolving my own personal failings, and ultimately saving my marriage.

After the guy's arrest, my wife slowly began opening up more to me. It was very evident that his incredible degree of control that he had established over her dragged out this process much longer than it needed to be, driving her away from her church/faith, any friends and family who didn't support his place in her life, both of which had been her primary sources of emotional support previously. He had so effectively manipulated/controlled her, that it took about six months of him being in prison before she finally started to see who he really was, that it was incredibly unfair of her to blame the 13 year old girl for his relationship with her, and open up to some of her old friends/family again. 

By around October, we started talking much more frequently, and even doing some family activities together again, including holidays. By Christmas, I joined her family for the holidays including staying overnight with her family. Since then, she and I now talk every single day, we typically see each other every day as well for dinner or other activities. We spend the entirity every sunday together as a family, including church which she has reconnected with as well. With her apartment lease ending this summer, she has told me that she has decided that she would like to move back home, almost exactly 3 years after she moved out, and a little over four years since the first act of adultery. (I don't count our dabbling in swinging, as those actions we did together. I know, the whole concept is sort of screwed up)

The one thing that hasn't exactly taken place yet, and is my reason for this post, is that there hasn't been any traction in our relationship romantically. While we see each other, talk, consult each other on decisions, do family activities together, etc. there hasn't been anything romantic yet. No kisses. No dates. No hanging out together without our daughter or other family present. When she moves in this summer, I'm guessing she'll want to sleep separately as well. So I'm concerned about how to jump start that area of our relationship. I don't want a live-in roommate. (or another one anyway. I had to get a roommate after she moved out in order to be able to afford the mortgage) I have asked about hanging out with her alone from time to time and she has always politely declined. She doesn't seem interested in dating either. In the past, there have been times where I certainly questioned her motives for not going through with the divorce (I manged to convince her to not go through with it in early 2011), and wondered if it was done so that I would continue to support her financially, and sometimes I still fear that.

So... I feel like we are on the verge of a wonderful reconciliation story. One that I'd love to write about at length some day, use to help others if possible, etc. I don't hear too often about couples getting back together after 3 years apart without a divorce in between, and with as many of the problems as we have had. (Our 50 y/o marriage counselor has told us on more than one occasion that he has never, ever heard of a couple facing more barriers to reconciliation than we have had) I'm curious, do any of you have any ideas/suggestions for me to help ensure that this reconciliation story continues to completion?

Sorry for being so wordy!


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## Ryan_sa

Baker, 
All I can say is you have the patience of a saint!

Shes had x no of affairs, lived with the other guy, and is now beginning to open up to you again. From what I read she sees you as a friend who will support her through anything.

The question is does she love you, and do you still love her?

Maybe the best thing is for you too to sit down as ask if she loves you, why shes moving back in, what she expects from the future etc. I think its better to get everything out into the open now, than just hope its going to work the way you want it to.


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