# What BS goes through.. This says it all!



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Re: List of What BS go through
________________________________________

All WSs and BSs should read this...this all is very true
it's the little triggers, little stabs that will be there even 5 years from now, or 10, or 20.

It's the disbelief BS feels and will always feel, never quite understanding how WS could have done that.
But WS did.

WS may have said over and over that they have told the full truth and BS might have decided to believe them. But BS always knows that WS has told them as much truth as WS thought was necessary, not the 100% truth that BS thought was necessary. WS will NEVER reveal what they were really thinking at the time. BS will be left with nagging doubts FOREVER, powerless to do anything about it because BS wasn't there or wasn't inside WS's head.
That is the hardest thing to live with.

EA or PA. A month or a year. Sex once or a hundred times. One lie or fifty. It doesn't matter. All the damage was done in the moment that WS took that step. It destroyed what was, and what will never be the same again no matter what WS does.
That time is gone.

BS thought WS was someone they could trust with their life, their best friend in the world, their confidant, someone who would always stand by them.
That's what BS thought, and BS was wrong, so wrong.

BS sometimes remembers what it was like when there wasn't that little cloud overhead.
And feels a pang as they think of when the sky was blue.

BS would have never chosen this for themselves. Yet somehow they found themselves in it.

Now it's Plan B. And it will always be Plan B.

R is the Plan B version of marriage.

It might be a strange thing to say, but so grievous is the wound of betrayal that had WS died, the pain would be easier. The sadness would be a different kind of sadness.
A more tolerable kind of sadness.


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## georgeyboy (Dec 31, 2013)

Very profound and so true.
Good luck and happiness to you


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

My plan B is turning out to be better than plan A and there are a few of us around D & L. I hope this becomes true for you, but I want you to find your best regardless if this is your path. I'll support you no matter which path you choose.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> My plan B is turning out to be better than plan A and there are a few of us around D & L. I hope this becomes true for you, but I want you to find your best regardless if this is your path. I'll support you no matter which path you choose.


Thanks Blossom, This pretty much describes where I'm at now. I hope it gets better. I've been with my H since I was 16. All I want is for the pain to stop being so intense. So we can get on with our lives..


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I personally chose Plan C. I kicked her to the curb and kept the house and the kids and move on with my life.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated 

I agree with your post fully. I would post more but I think it best not too. My d-day anniversary is three weeks away, all the feelings and emotions are flooding back, rage has returned full force. I will pm you a response.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

We`ve reconciled, both grown hugely as individuals, and our marriage is stronger than it ever was.

After 7 years, there`s still (and probably always will be) a sense of paradise lost.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

lostmyreligion said:


> We`ve reconciled, both grown hugely as individuals, and our marriage is stronger than it ever was.
> 
> After 7 years, there`s still (and probably always will be) a sense of paradise lost.


I fell the same way. It will never be the same & I miss that so much..


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

Clay2013 said:


> I personally chose Plan C. I kicked her to the curb and kept the house and the kids and move on with my life.


But even that is a Plan B. When you married her, she WAS the plan. She just trashed the plan and you had to come up with a new one. But if she had not cheated, your original plan would have still been the plan you had chosen.


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I miss that so much..


I do too. But now it just provides juxtaposition.

In my case I came to see that what I was missing was the blissful, breathtakingly naive vision of romantic love that I'd held onto my entire life up to that point. 

The "religion" in my handle.

Romantic relationship's reality, unlike the rosy 2D pubescent fantasy I'd built, is much more complex and breathtakingly terrifying. And therein lies it's true beauty for me.

I've always been an adrenaline junky.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I knew I wasn't dying, but I actually wanted to for a while.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

In my opinion the WS is rewarded if the BS offers reconciliation. WS lives in fantasyland for length of affair. BS is left to deal with everything regarding everyday life. WS goes to nice restaurants and hotels (sometimes). BS is keeping the home front stable on their own. WS gets to date. BS runs errands and shuffles kids around to various activities. And it just goes on. Again this is my opinion. 

WS gets caught and returns to a better marriage through MC. BS lives in the same marriage as WS then has to make changes for the marriage. I asked my MC when do I get to go on a date? When do I get to stay in a nice hotel? When do I get to live the married but single life? MC said when I'm divorced. Great, so I give half of everything to a person who can't keep their vows, can't communicate, can only think of themselves, who can't speak the truth. 

So we are in MC and WW is getting her needs met, her marriage better then before. Me, BS, I get pain, I get therapy I shouldn't be in, I get plan B, I get to live my life as a destroyed person. If I divorced I would still be the same personally, but with less material objects. 

Gotta love infidelity, eh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Yea, but you have your integrity... 

No one can give you that

No one can take it away


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Yea, but you have your integrity...
> 
> No one can give you that
> 
> No one can take it away



*******************************************************


You are right...when i found out what my WW had done...and when the OM showed me pics if them having sex after I outed him to his now EXW...i knew the only way for me to Retain my integrity and self esteem i filed for D ...without hesitation ..

I have never triggered...No remorse ..No Reconciliation 

I never looked back for one second...


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## nikoled (Mar 12, 2014)

I can relate to much of this and I'm sorry you are in so much pain. 

Yes, it does seem that our WS do get the best of it- if we choose to R they get an improved marriage, etc after they went out and had fun without any consideration for their BS. 

However, my husband is also fully aware that forever he has to live with the fact that he broke me. That is his burden to bear. As our marriage gets stronger and as he gets closer to me he realizes even more how close he came to losing it all, how he destroyed me, how much of a broken person he was. He has to live with the shame, guilt, and my pain forever. 

Yes our options definitely are not ideal. I hate knowing that I will never know if I know the real truth. I hate knowing that I was nothing to him. 

Yet, I wouldn't want to trade shoes with him.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

drifting on said:


> In my opinion the WS is rewarded if the BS offers reconciliation. WS lives in fantasyland for length of affair. BS is left to deal with everything regarding everyday life. WS goes to nice restaurants and hotels (sometimes). BS is keeping the home front stable on their own. WS gets to date. BS runs errands and shuffles kids around to various activities. And it just goes on. Again this is my opinion.
> 
> WS gets caught and returns to a better marriage through MC. BS lives in the same marriage as WS then has to make changes for the marriage. I asked my MC when do I get to go on a date? When do I get to stay in a nice hotel? When do I get to live the married but single life? MC said when I'm divorced. Great, so I give half of everything to a person who can't keep their vows, can't communicate, can only think of themselves, who can't speak the truth.
> 
> ...


*****************************************************

Some Hurts Never Heal...and Some Lies and Betrayals can Never Be Forgiven or Forgotten .....


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## totalfive21 (Jun 25, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> Re: List of What BS go through
> 
> ...EA or PA. A month or a year. Sex once or a hundred times. One lie or fifty. It doesn't matter. All the damage was done in the moment that WS took that step. It destroyed what was, and what will never be the same again no matter what WS does.
> That time is gone.
> ...


This is so spot on. I read it the first time around in another thread. I can't remember if it was originally from you, D&L, or from another wise poster. 

My case was an EA, and "only" a month and a half or so. Some literature/websites out there say the duration and nature (EA vs. PA) of the affair make a huge difference in whether R is possible. I'm not convinced that they do. That emotional connection those two shared, feelings they voiced for one another, clandestine communication and meetings, etc., seem the height of betrayal to me. Even with nothing physical (that I know of).


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

badkarma2013 said:


> *****************************************************
> 
> Some Hurts Never Heal...and Some Lies and Betrayals can Never Be Forgiven or Forgotten .....


Very, very true. I will carry this pain the remainder of my years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Yea, but you have your integrity...
> 
> No one can give you that
> 
> No one can take it away


Blossom Leigh

This is true. I don't want an affair but one day in fantasyland sounds pretty appealing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

nikoled said:


> I can relate to much of this and I'm sorry you are in so much pain.
> 
> Yes, it does seem that our WS do get the best of it- if we choose to R they get an improved marriage, etc after they went out and had fun without any consideration for their BS.
> 
> ...


nikoled

You are correct, my WW is in anguish over how broken I am. I wouldn't want to trade places with her either, but I still feel the BS gets the worse end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Blossom Leigh
> 
> This is true. I don't want an affair but one day in fantasyland sounds pretty appealing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know.

But it is a cotton lined bear trap designed to rip your leg off when you attempt to free yourself.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

drifting on said:


> nikoled
> 
> You are correct, my WW is in anguish over how broken I am. I wouldn't want to trade places with her either, but I still feel the BS gets the worse end.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



We do. It is the reality.

The affair class we took made no bones about it.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> I know.
> 
> But it is a cotton lined bear trap designed to rip your leg off when you attempt to free yourself.


That was subtle!!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> We do. It is the reality.
> 
> The affair class we took made no bones about it.


Was this class about breaking bones!! I'm kidding!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

drifting on said:


> nikoled
> 
> You are correct, my WW is in anguish over how broken I am. I wouldn't want to trade places with her either, but I still feel the BS gets the worse end.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Drifting,

I Respect your and everyone's decision and desire for R, as I too wanted and preferred this path vs the one called Divorce. So please keep this in mind when you read the rest of this post.

I am a firm believer that R is not based so much on choice or even love, but more so tolerance and acceptance as well as fear. Fear of change for the WS while the tolerance is split near equally between both spouses and the acceptance is put solely on the BS.

Now after reading Chumplady's book (A life saver and eye opener IMO) I have come to agree the her metaphor for cheating is spot on. The intent and action proves the BS was not put in high regard, nor loved, nor respected, nor even acknowledged. She points out that some people seem to emit a sense of remorse and hurt about the actions they did unto their spouse, and we too often accept or want to try to accept this as a genuine feeling, reinforced by IC, MC and total transparency.

We often wish to believe they truly did never mean to hurt us. But would we be so quick to accept this if they pushed us down a flight of stairs, seeing every bump and bruise and then as we looked up at them for not only help but the answer for "Why" they did this? Some may say they didn't mean to and that they really do/did love us and blame confusion of their feelings, past family issues or some other aspect outside the realm of singular responsibility. But some, if at all any really, come right out of the gate and say the damning truth; " I did it because I wanted to for me, and cared less about your or any other's feelings in the process"

I mean, really, what would a WS really expect as a reaction to being caught, which must happen about 99.9 percent of the time compared to a cheater coming clean by their own volition.I can't think of anyone here or elsewhere who was enthused or happy to find their spouse cheating. I know I wasn't. 

And this is where the tolerance comes from. The BS, or chump, then has to make the decision to either stay and risk further harm or remove the source of the risk vs taking a chance on reaching that so called happy lifestyle one once thought possible in a marriage. They must tolerate, a graduation of coping, what their spouse did and how it will be a permanent staple in their marital history. The triggers that come with this as well also belong to the chump as they alone know exactly what will or will not effect them, and this is also subject to change too as something totally unrelated may be viewed differently and then become a new trigger. The cheater has no ability to dispel this or mitigate it as well. But they too must now learn to tolerate that they will be subjected to this type of experience from their betrayed partner. It can be at times a little overbearing for the WS to tolerate but it is the price they pay for their actions. 

Fear of change for the WS is the driving force of nearly all reconciliation IMO. I know some will chime in that this is not a accurate statement but please hear me out. Fear of ending the relationship is what stops most cheaters from leaving. Most call this cake eating, which is also true but the primary reason for staying in a committed relationship during an affair is fear, although some use an affair to escape a so called "Dreadful" marriage, a viewpoint unable to be perceived by anyone outside of that particular situation. The fear is consequences and cause and effect. Most people who go thru this sh1t are simple, average, middle of the pack income or lifestyle couples. When this come into play it usually comes down to simple division of assets and child custody. 

Since the assets are usually minuscule in the bigger picture of things it then comes to the aspect of change the the effects they bring. Do cheaters want to be seen as the perpetrator, the responsible party for the dissolution of a marriage and the consequences thereon after. Do they want to be the focal point for making their children lives hell, or difficult at levels they shouldn't be exposed to via someone else selfishness. And anyone who says adultery and good parenting can coexist as a stable property. It's like saying smoking in the cab of an oil delivery truck is safe.... So long as x,y,z doesn't happen. The danger is there and yet it isn't a problem until it causes a problem.

Fear of making a bad decision is also at play here as well. Does the wayward make the choice for the happy unknown vs the unhappy known lifestyle of their current relationship. They know full well the task at hand but the comfort of home and the family structure,however fractured it may be, is still a familiar one indeed. The fear of causing a significant amount of damage can and does weigh heavily on them and then influence the next step, acceptance. 

From here on out both parties must accept that not only will this dynamic be a permanent fixture in their marriage, but also a permanent view of their significant other. The chump will see someone who they love(ed?) or care(ed?) for as well as a friend they might have considered their best, most reliable friend in a different light for the remainder of their marriage, however long it may last pending. Unlike the signed sealed and delivered reliability of their initial bonding, this "new" relationship will now be put on a lease, a trial period based on effort and commitment by both parties, although the majority falls on the cheater. But what once was unconditional is now up for cancellation at any moments notice.

The cheater then has to balance the fine act of knowing who they are and what they are capable of being. With the cat out of the bag the secret of the potential hurt a cheater will cast unto others is now a reality. They too must accept that them staying is not going to be easy and that they too must endure the pain and outburst their BS afflicts upon them and may find that they cannot tolerate much, if at all, any sustained amount of anger from their BS. This is not to say a BS must eat the hurt and anger but some do tend to go overboard with it. Cheaters also must accept that on any given day at any moment really the BS can and just may call it quits. I may get flamed for this but, this acceptance is that they did end all contact with their AP, someone who they felt connected with to open up about, whether emotional or physical. By doing this they too are risking a lot, at least to them. It doesn't make it right but it is an unfortunate ingredient to the product called reconciliation. 

I do wish all couples can recon and move forward, and do realize that most never do. I enjoy the success stories and do admit I was among them. I think that a recent conversation with a friend really gave me a better understanding of why my marriage failed. I asked her what are the most important needs in a relationship. She said without hesitation; Respect, Honesty and mutual support (having each others back). The much hyped Passion, Love, Commitment were not mentioned. It was then that I realized that these latter three were built off of the former three. 

Sorry for the thread jack, it just seemed like the thread was going to be a ebb and flow about reconciliation.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

:rofl:

I thought that might rattle you out of your "longing."

Did it work??


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

IIJokerII said:


> Drifting,
> 
> I Respect your and everyone's decision and desire for R, as I too wanted and preferred this path vs the one called Divorce. So please keep this in mind when you read the rest of this post.
> 
> ...



IIJokerII

When I first began lurking on TAM I read the threads of somedaydig. I respected him very much and wish he were still here. I respect you as much as I do somedaydig. I will need some time to reflect on your post but I will definitely get back to you. Thank you for posting this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> :rofl:
> 
> I thought that might rattle you out of your "longing."
> 
> Did it work??


Uh, yeah, and then some!! Thank you for the shock treatment!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Uh, yeah, and then some!! Thank you for the shock treatment!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yw


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## Brokenintwo48 (Jan 2, 2015)

I feel what you have said, I'm going through it now. I feel like the world has fallen on top of me and it is hard to breath. I just want it to be the same. To have that pain, that part that started it to be exercised away or removed from that place it keeps coming up from. My PT isn't the person I married, I'm not sure who I did married, but layers and layers of lies are not helping to find PT again. 

I'm alone, I have no one to talk to. I feel like I have been kicked to the road and the garbage is just plying up.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Yw


Most people fire a warning shot across the bow, not you. Intimidator style, I'm beginning to think your his daughter!!! Thanks for the laugh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Most people fire a warning shot across the bow, not you. Intimidator style, I'm beginning to think your his daughter!!! Thanks for the laugh.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:rofl: yw!


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

as posted by IIJokerII...

"And this is where the tolerance comes from. The BS, or chump, then has to make the decision to either stay and risk further harm or remove the source of the risk vs taking a chance on reaching that so called happy lifestyle one once thought possible in a marriage. They must tolerate, a graduation of coping, what their spouse did and how it will be a permanent staple in their marital history. The triggers that come with this as well also belong to the chump as they alone know exactly what will or will not effect them, and this is also subject to change too as something totally unrelated may be viewed differently and then become a new trigger. The cheater has no ability to dispel this or mitigate it as well. But they too must now learn to tolerate that they will be subjected to this type of experience from their betrayed partner. It can be at times a little overbearing for the WS to tolerate but it is the price they pay for their actions. "

******************************************************

How true unless infidelity is a DEALBREAKER as it was for me!!
If you do not know my story...I napalmed Everything..including the OM and their Jobs...

If she thought she was going to have a 8month to 1 year FU!KFEST and come home and if the OM thought he would walk clean...They both learned a very hard lesson...

I am NO ones Chump ever...

I never Trigger or have regrets...Not for one second..


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

drifting on said:


> In my opinion the WS is rewarded if the BS offers reconciliation. WS lives in fantasyland for length of affair. BS is left to deal with everything regarding everyday life. WS goes to nice restaurants and hotels (sometimes). BS is keeping the home front stable on their own. WS gets to date. BS runs errands and shuffles kids around to various activities. And it just goes on. Again this is my opinion.
> 
> WS gets caught and returns to a better marriage through MC. BS lives in the same marriage as WS then has to make changes for the marriage. I asked my MC when do I get to go on a date? When do I get to stay in a nice hotel? When do I get to live the married but single life? MC said when I'm divorced. Great, so I give half of everything to a person who can't keep their vows, can't communicate, can only think of themselves, who can't speak the truth.
> 
> ...


How far are you out from D-day? Do you see yourself getting more out of this as time goes on?

I honestly think you are making a mistake if you see things this way.

Dig had pain but he absolutely leveled his enemies. Yes, his wife became his enemy for 5 years and for quite a while after D-day. He made her recount everything in painstaking detail more than once.

He needed to know but he also needed to see her squirming, devastated and reduced to a weeping, snot leaking puddle.

He worked on himself as well but he did not let his wife or OM off the hook until they paid a price that satisfied him. I respect him for that.

If you aren't having everything you want right now, I have to wonder why?

You should not resolve to suck it up and live in pain for an indeterminate amount of time. Your ww should be acting like a domestic goddess and sex slave and/or whatever else you need or she needs her cheating ass kicked to the curb.

Material goods are all going to rot. You can never get time back however.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

totalfive21 said:


> This is so spot on. I read it the first time around in another thread. I can't remember if it was originally from you, D&L, or from another wise poster.
> 
> My case was an EA, and "only" a month and a half or so. Some literature/websites out there say the duration and nature (EA vs. PA) of the affair make a huge difference in whether R is possible. I'm not convinced that they do. That emotional connection those two shared, feelings they voiced for one another, clandestine communication and meetings, etc., seem the height of betrayal to me. Even with nothing physical (that I know of).


My H had a EA & PA lasted 6 months. The first thing he said to me when I confronted him was I'm sorry, but we fell in Love.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Much love and respect Badkarma.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> How far are you out from D-day? Do you see yourself getting more out of this as time goes on?
> 
> I honestly think you are making a mistake if you see things this way.
> 
> ...



ConanHub

D-day was January 20, 2014. What I wrote is what I have felt since d-day although I left some out. My pain at times is manageable but the last couple weeks anxiety and all the other wonderful feelings and emotions have flooded back as I near d-day. I imagine in time the pain lessens just as the triggers don't last as long as they used to. Who knows, I may pull the plug in a couple years but as long as my WW does the hard work, has regret and remorse and continue to show me positive actions I'll try just as hard. Thanks for you input.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Brokenintwo48 said:


> I feel what you have said, I'm going through it now. I feel like the world has fallen on top of me and it is hard to breath. I just want it to be the same. To have that pain, that part that started it to be exercised away or removed from that place it keeps coming up from. My PT isn't the person I married, I'm not sure who I did married, but layers and layers of lies are not helping to find PT again.
> 
> I'm alone, I have no one to talk to. I feel like I have been kicked to the road and the garbage is just plying up.


 Broken,

Being as this is your first ever post I implore you to start a thread to discuss what is on you mind, which seems to be a lot. I won't tell you the usual crap about you being able to get thru your it and it will get better. But we are here to help and shepard the lost and broken people who come here for help, the betrayed or the waywards, it don't matter. As you can see from this thread alone this topic is not for the faint of heart nor is it's affect of a low manner of feeling. Time to get started.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

drifting on said:


> ConanHub
> 
> D-day was January 20, 2014. What I wrote is what I have felt since d-day although I left some out. My pain at times is manageable but the last couple weeks anxiety and all the other wonderful feelings and emotions have flooded back as I near d-day. I imagine in time the pain lessens just as the triggers don't last as long as they used to. Who knows, I may pull the plug in a couple years but as long as my WW does the hard work, has regret and remorse and continue to show me positive actions I'll try just as hard. Thanks for you input.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just take care of yourself my man. Putting your needs first for a year or five sure won't hurt and will probably help.

Glad to hear your wife is doing everything in her power for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

drifting on said:


> ConanHub
> 
> D-day was January 20, 2014. What I wrote is what I have felt since d-day although I left some out. My pain at times is manageable but the last couple weeks anxiety and all the other wonderful feelings and emotions have flooded back as I near d-day. I imagine in time the pain lessens just as the triggers don't last as long as they used to. Who knows, I may pull the plug in a couple years but as long as my WW does the hard work, has regret and remorse and continue to show me positive actions I'll try just as hard. Thanks for you input.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Drifting,

I suppose I feel a little bit of kinship from your world as my d-day was on day later. For you it was a Monday wasn't it, me a Tuesday. We were both shown the truth and ended up taking to completely different paths. Like Conan suggests, much love and respect sir. I am not for either Recon or Divorce, I am for moving forward and coming to a conclusion vs making a decision and fulfilling the requirements of that decision afterward.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

IIJokerII said:


> Drifting,
> 
> I suppose I feel a little bit of kinship from your world as my d-day was on day later. For you it was a Monday wasn't it, me a Tuesday. We were both shown the truth and ended up taking to completely different paths. Like Conan suggests, much love and respect sir. I am not for either Recon or Divorce, I am for moving forward and coming to a conclusion vs making a decision and fulfilling the requirements of that decision afterward.


Sage...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

IIJokerII said:


> Drifting,
> 
> I suppose I feel a little bit of kinship from your world as my d-day was on day later. For you it was a Monday wasn't it, me a Tuesday. We were both shown the truth and ended up taking to completely different paths. Like Conan suggests, much love and respect sir. I am not for either Recon or Divorce, I am for moving forward and coming to a conclusion vs making a decision and fulfilling the requirements of that decision afterward.


I can't "like" this on mobile.... So here is my like....LIKE!&#55357;&#56833;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

IIJokerII said:


> Drifting,
> 
> I suppose I feel a little bit of kinship from your world as my d-day was on day later. For you it was a Monday wasn't it, me a Tuesday. We were both shown the truth and ended up taking to completely different paths. Like Conan suggests, much love and respect sir. I am not for either Recon or Divorce, I am for moving forward and coming to a conclusion vs making a decision and fulfilling the requirements of that decision afterward.



IIJokerII

I just read that and I remember WW stopped me as I walked through the room. Dancing with the stars was on tv and it came from her mouth, "I am so sorry for everything I have done." The flood gates opened and I died on the inside. By lurking here I had the sense to not make a knee jerk decision. I wanted her out of the bouse, I wanted to destroy the OM, but I let her talk and she confessed "everything". Or all that WW wanted me to know. Thankfully we had MC Tuesday night and our therapist spoke to us for two hours. One hour together and then thirty minutes individually. The second hour the therapist spent with us was her own personal time. Therapist gave me an itinerary and called or textured each night until the following weeks appointment. 

So while I'm in therapy your world exploded, I'm sorry to hear that. Kinship is recognized on this end too sir. I had posted on another thread and was asked when my d-day was by Gus Polanski, my d-day was the day he joined TAM. Thank you for your post it has me thinking and seeing reconciliation from a new perspective.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Just take care of yourself my man. Putting your needs first for a year or five sure won't hurt and will probably help.
> 
> Glad to hear your wife is doing everything in her power for you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Thank you. Twenty six years she came first. Now I come first, quite an adjustment for myself. I always thought of WW first, now I work on myself.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Brokenintwo48 said:


> I feel what you have said, I'm going through it now. I feel like the world has fallen on top of me and it is hard to breath. I just want it to be the same. To have that pain, that part that started it to be exercised away or removed from that place it keeps coming up from. My PT isn't the person I married, I'm not sure who I did married, but layers and layers of lies are not helping to find PT again.
> 
> I'm alone, I have no one to talk to. I feel like I have been kicked to the road and the garbage is just plying up.



Brokenintwo48

Coming to TAM has been very gratifying for me. You get many different perspectives to your situation. So much advice, support in knowing these posters have walked in your shoes. It's a great place to be, so stick around, post what you feel comfortable with.


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## peskipixy (Jan 3, 2015)

I'm new to this particular forum but I was on a previous one regarding cheating spouses. In response to the original subject of this post, "What the BS goes through . . .", I found that this quote summed it up nicely:

'It's agony. Complete, excruciating agony. It's like your heart is being ripped out and stomped on. You can't breathe, you don't want to eat, you can't function. It's the most intense pain you'll ever feel and the worst part is there's no way to relieve it. It's unyielding, merciless torture. And you know it's yours for life.'

And 3 years later, it still rings true.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

drifting on said:


> IIJokerII
> 
> I just read that and I remember WW stopped me as I walked through the room. Dancing with the stars was on tv and it came from her mouth, "I am so sorry for everything I have done." The flood gates opened and I died on the inside. By lurking here I had the sense to not make a knee jerk decision. I wanted her out of the bouse, I wanted to destroy the OM, but I let her talk and she confessed "everything". Or all that WW wanted me to know. Thankfully we had MC Tuesday night and our therapist spoke to us for two hours. One hour together and then thirty minutes individually. The second hour the therapist spent with us was her own personal time. Therapist gave me an itinerary and called or textured each night until the following weeks appointment.
> 
> So while I'm in therapy your world exploded, I'm sorry to hear that. Kinship is recognized on this end too sir. I had posted on another thread and was asked when my d-day was by Gus Polanski, my d-day was the day he joined TAM. Thank you for your post it has me thinking and seeing reconciliation from a new perspective.


 Drifting, you have a Wife who is among the minuscule minority when it comes to true remorse, at least from the sound of it. Win or lose, I, and many countless others, would have killed for this, even just a taste of true remorse. Sine the lie of False R on top of the affair makes that trust foundations become eroded to the point of non existence. 

I remember a post by MattMatt where he illustrates his wife's intentions which she makes known to him with no room for misinterpretation. Matt then mentioned how he was spared the lied and bullsh1t all the others have to endure and noted it was dare he called refreshing. I do not think this was a emotional exaggeration, it was the truth. 

Drifting, your wife and you have one of the rare chances of making it. For whatever reason she told you, she still in the end told you. No need to chase the Unicorn, it came to you. Make the best out of it.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

IIJokerII said:


> Drifting, you have a Wife who is among the minuscule minority when it comes to true remorse, at least from the sound of it. Win or lose, I, and many countless others, would have killed for this, even just a taste of true remorse. Sine the lie of False R on top of the affair makes that trust foundations become eroded to the point of non existence.
> 
> I remember a post by MattMatt where he illustrates his wife's intentions which she makes known to him with no room for misinterpretation. Matt then mentioned how he was spared the lied and bullsh1t all the others have to endure and noted it was dare he called refreshing. I do not think this was a emotional exaggeration, it was the truth.
> 
> Drifting, your wife and you have one of the rare chances of making it. For whatever reason she told you, she still in the end told you. No need to chase the Unicorn, it came to you. Make the best out of it.


IIJokerII

Thank you for your post and insight. I do believe that I am lucky in a strange way. My WW lied for the first five months of MC. WW also watched me go down in flames for two and a half years. That's hard for me to accept, but her confession hurt her more then me. Last week WW said she is both a monster and murderer for her actions. Each day she exhibits regret, remorse, and love. That's why she has this second chance. Now I'm not perfect either and I make mistakes each day too, maybe not at the level she did, but I have flaws too. WW and I have been together twenty six years, nineteen of those married. Up until the affair, I wouldn't do anything different, that's how we learned and grew together. Was it perfect? No, but it never is, for if it were we would never know what true happiness is. We would never cherish true happiness. My WW has earned this chance with actions and then words. My WW combines her actions with words to show me she wants this marriage, not out of fear, but because together we both find true happiness with each other. 

None of what I wrote above excuses her affair. What I wrote doesn't make accepting and forgiving the affair any easier. Forgiving my WW has not been easy. None of this was easy, and with infidelity, any path chosen has pain and hardships. Reconciliation, if it works, will be a gift to both of us. I say if it works because I now realize my WW is capable of infidelity. It's a leap of faith without any guarantee, as it was when I proposed to her. I hope we do become one of the rare cases of reconciliation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

nikoled said:


> I can relate to much of this and I'm sorry you are in so much pain.
> 
> Yes, it does seem that our WS do get the best of it- if we choose to R they get an improved marriage, etc after they went out and had fun without any consideration for their BS.
> 
> ...


******************************************************
I REFUSE to carry this the rest of my life.
I agree...R in some cases works...again after my nightmare,there was NO WAY I could forget much less forgive to even phantom the thought of R.

MY best friend from my college days is in his 2nd yr of R...It seems his WW is doing the WS script to the tee....GREAT

However,he triggers several times a week is UP and DOWN....has constant trust issues( which i believe he will have from now on) his self esteem is shot...and is happy one minute and crys the next.....FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY?


I filed for D within 60 days...and kicked her out..Never looked back!!


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## Road Scholar (Sep 19, 2013)

drifting on said:


> ConanHub
> 
> D-day was January 20, 2014. What I wrote is what I have felt since d-day although I left some out. My pain at times is manageable but the last couple weeks anxiety and all the other wonderful feelings and emotions have flooded back as I near d-day. I imagine in time the pain lessens just as the triggers don't last as long as they used to. Who knows, I may pull the plug in a couple years but as long as my WW does the hard work, has regret and remorse and continue to show me positive actions I'll try just as hard. Thanks for you input.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Can someone give me concrete examples of "heavy lifting" and " hard work" from the BS? I still struggle with the pain she has caused me. She is trying. Treating me better. Sex. But affair work and focus doesn't really exist. No books, no websites, no blogs, no if, no Mc,just moving on looking forward. I hate being the one to say what about this? What about that? I would like it to come from her. It just makes me think she is being selfish and doesn't know any better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Road Scholar (Sep 19, 2013)

I meant from the WW. Sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Road Scholar said:


> Can someone give me concrete examples of "heavy lifting" and " hard work" from the BS? I still struggle with the pain she has caused me. She is trying. Treating me better. Sex. But affair work and focus doesn't really exist. No books, no websites, no blogs, no if, no Mc,just moving on looking forward. I hate being the one to say what about this? What about that? I would like it to come from her. It just makes me think she is being selfish and doesn't know any better.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


1. Freewill offering of full transparency in whereabouts, email, phone, etc
2. Supports your emotional progress in affair recovery
3. Offers and maintains no contact with AP 
4. Understands boundaries and maintains appropriate boundaries with ALL opposite sex persons
5. Shows deep remorse and understands your affair pain that came from their actions
6. Consistent attitude of respect, no blameshifting. 
7. Accepts full responsibility for choosing the affair.

Others will come along to add to my list.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

badkarma2013 said:


> ******************************************************
> I REFUSE to carry this the rest of my life.
> I agree...R in some cases works...again after my nightmare,there was NO WAY I could forget much less forgive to even phantom the thought of R.
> 
> ...


 Karma, 

I applaud you in your self awareness of what you indeed wanted for yourself, a luxury most of us leave by the wayside in a marriage. It seems though that you tried at least and put truth ahead of feelings; You wouldn't or couldn't get past it and proceeded accordingly. 

Most other though, myself included, were unable to reach that point until it became clear that no alternative was left to be had. I exhausted myself to the point of repetition and not unlike you just at a later time I reached a point that I was unwilling to try to get over. I put me first, I put my children's well being first and in a way I put her first one last time. No longer can she use the excuse of being held back in a "Dead" or "Unhappy" marriage, unable to pursue her own endeavors. So far, she is proving herself a liar and still stuck in the same old destructive and blame shifting ways. This validates my decision and lets me know I am not the crazy one, nor was I ever.

To those who have successfully navigated the murky waters of R always look back and say it was worth it and even those who tried and failed will also look back and say it was worth it as well. Better to end the marriage too late but know for sure rather than too early and have the lack of closure and continuous doubt of what could have been.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> 1. Freewill offering of full transparency in whereabouts, email, phone, etc
> 2. Supports your emotional progress in affair recovery
> 3. Offers and maintains no contact with AP
> 4. Understands boundaries and maintains appropriate boundaries with ALL opposite sex persons
> ...


I'd say this is spot on, all other additions are really derivatives of this listing.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

IIJokerII said:


> Karma,
> 
> I applaud you in your self awareness of what you indeed wanted for yourself, a luxury most of us leave by the wayside in a marriage. It seems though that you tried at least and put truth ahead of feelings; You wouldn't or couldn't get past it and proceeded accordingly.
> 
> ...



I agree...I applaud all those who can R...and would Never discourage anyone who choses this path....However I have seen many start down that path but Very FEW Finish....... Ever fewer who stay and are truly happy and live without pain and regret...


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Road Scholar said:


> Can someone give me concrete examples of "heavy lifting" and " hard work" from the BS? I still struggle with the pain she has caused me. She is trying. Treating me better. Sex. But affair work and focus doesn't really exist. No books, no websites, no blogs, no if, no Mc,just moving on looking forward. I hate being the one to say what about this? What about that? I would like it to come from her. It just makes me think she is being selfish and doesn't know any better.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She has always been in control. You want the M more than she does and she knows it. She controls you with tears and sex. 

Why work hard when you do have to. More than likely she does not fully respect you.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

badkarma2013 said:


> I agree...I applaud all those who can R...and would Never discourage anyone who choses this path....However I have seen many start down that path but Very FEW Finish....... Ever fewer who stay and are truly happy and live without pain and regret...


I think that's because hope is the last thing to die. The BS know s the marriage can't be the same ever again. But hope is what they cling to. If they then come to the conclusion the will never repair the whole thing they throw in the towel.

I have no idea how some reconcile. I couldn't be under the same roof with someone I thought of as almost worthless. How you rebuild trust and respect from that is amazing!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

badkarma2013 said:


> I agree...I applaud all those who can R...and would Never discourage anyone who choses this path....However I have seen many start down that path but Very FEW Finish....... Ever fewer who stay and are truly happy and live without pain and regret...


Truth. I think like Joker said a lot of people are so screwed up they can't see clearly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> I think that's because hope is the last thing to die. The BS know s the marriage can't be the same ever again. But hope is what they cling to. If they then come to the conclusion the will never repair the whole thing they throw in the towel.
> 
> I have no idea how some reconcile. I couldn't be under the same roof with someone I thought of as almost worthless. How you rebuild trust and respect from that is amazing!


I so agree ..they still have hope...

However as I have said many times " The WW can do everything in their power to help the BH to heal ...Do the WS script to a tee...But they can Never,Ever UNFU%K the OM..Ever...


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

badkarma2013 said:


> I so agree ..they still have hope...
> 
> However as I have said many times " The WW can do everything in their power to help the BH to heal ...Do the WS script to a tee...But they can Never,Ever UNFU%K the OM..Ever...


And that is the risk taken when the WS makes the choice to cheat. There is no guarantee their BS can get over it and if they can't thats on the WS, not the BS. Natural consequence.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Road Scholar said:


> Can someone give me concrete examples of "heavy lifting" and " hard work" from the BS? I still struggle with the pain she has caused me. She is trying. Treating me better. Sex. But affair work and focus doesn't really exist. No books, no websites, no blogs, no if, no Mc,just moving on looking forward. I hate being the one to say what about this? What about that? I would like it to come from her. It just makes me think she is being selfish and doesn't know any better.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Road Scholar

My WW offered to quit her job since she worked directly with OM. This would have caused a financial hardship but she would have worked with her cousin temporarily. I foolishly said no and thought I could handle them working together, I couldn't. OM quit. WW gives me her schedule each day showing where she is and for how long. Found and scheduled MC. Through MC we have identified what caused the affair. Building of boundaries with both sexes. Complete transparency, I have email and password for work and personal, complete transparency with cell phone. Willingly closed joint bank account and now individual. 

Willing to sign a postnuptial agreement in my favor. No contact with OM. These are just some of the things she has done but Blossom Leigh is dead on. WW has done much more but I'm short on time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## totalfive21 (Jun 25, 2014)

From IIJokerII's first post in this thread:

"...Do cheaters want to be seen as the perpetrator, the responsible party for the dissolution of a marriage and the consequences thereon after. Do they want to be the focal point for making their children lives hell, or difficult at levels they shouldn't be exposed to via someone else selfishness."
_____________________________________________

Totally agree that this is a main reason that WS's choose to stay, reconcile, "work" on the marriage (to varying degrees on that last point). Love Chumplady too, btw. However, this same rationale applies to the BS. I, a BS, would be more inclined to just call it quits if it weren't for my son. And it's not only that I want him to have an intact family, it's that I don't want to be the perpetrator of the divorce. 

In my case, as I've mentioned before, my H had an EA that "only" lasted 1.5 months (audible scoff on my part, as my H told me that he and AP partner had conversations about their mutual attraction to one another, and he lied to several times over that period about even having contact with her -- and this is what he admitted!). It has been no contact between them for two years, but like in many other cases, this is now a permanent staple in my marriage that I cannot see past. I see my husband in a different light now, and I can't imagine a future time when that won't be the case. However, if now, two years on, I said I wanted a divorce because I just can't get over what happened, my H could easily tell our son that "Your mom is punishing and incapable of forgiving a mistake." I actually could easily see that happening.

Lose/lose situation. 

For the record, regarding the "heavy lifting" on my H's part: I have access to his email accounts and phone. He is loving toward me but never brings up the EA. He sees a future for us and wants us to work toward it together. I went to IC a few times but my H made it clear he doesn't believe in MC, which he says perpetuates or dwells on the problem.


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