# Second Husband Jealousy Blues...



## Confused8

Married almost a year and living with my 15 year old son every other month. My husband is really jealous with everyone, including my son. I did not see the signs before we got married. He got along well with my son and he had everything I wanted in a man. We were both in a good place in our carreers, he has been divorced for over 18 years, me a little over a year. So after dating for 6 months we got married (I highly advise against this now).

I saw very little signs that my husband is jealous. I did see that he was very competitive. Long story short, he started being uncomfortable when my son would still hold my hand, or hug me (before he goes to bed, or when he feels like connecting with me), or when we are bonding. My son and I are very close, I was a stay at home mom till my son was 10 years old. My son is a great kid and well adjusted. He gets along well with everyone and is well liked at school by his peers and teachers alike.

I explained to my husband how I raised my son, he explained that he's not used to a teenager being that close to a mother. We both agreed that my husband was raised differently than I have raised my son. Not that either is wrong, just different. But as time went on, I started feeling my husband is competing with my son and very territorial. Snide remarks when my son and I are bonding, trying to plan a family vacation without my son, having an attitude when my son comes in to our bedroom where we hang out during early evenings and etc. I explained that my son is trying to interact with us and not just be isolated in his room. My husband seems to understand and try to adjust. But the truth seems to keep coming out, or maybe subconsciously. I catch all these things and get into arguments with my husband because I don't want my son to feel uncomfortable in his home. I explained to my husband, that my son is still a minor and that I need to tend to his needs at this time which includes my presence. Although my son is my priority, I never unprioritzed my husband. I treated and loved them equally on different levels. My husband kept saying that my son will become an adult and I would be left with the guy who I put second on my list. The problem is perception. My actions are irrelevant to what my husband percieves.

I don't want to damage my son and his self esteem. I don't want him to grow up feeling bitter, that I chose someone over him. This is my sons time to have me in his life, and he is my responsibility. Also I fear that my husband would resent my son further and things could go from bad to worse if we continue. I've read so much stories about blended families to know my fear is not far fetched. My husband moved out over a month ago after a petty argument that went out of control, again regarding my son. I called the cops, they investigated, then took him to jail for 12 hours. I spoke to the DA's advocate multiple times to request the charges be dropped, and they finally did. We have had no communication since he got arrested. That night my husband threatened that he will ruin me in the community including my business after I called the cops. My brain tells me to file for divorce, and my heart and the bible says to pray for my husband's healing and the renewal of our marriage? Am I wrong to protect my son and to fight to be a good mom? Or am I being unrealistic with my expections of wanting an understanding husband. I feel my husband set me up to fail since he knew I had a son when he asked me to marry him.


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## jld

You are right to put your son first. Continue to do so.

You are fearful of being without your husband. This fear is clouding your better judgment, which is that of putting your son first.

I think you have a good heart. It is just your fear that is holding you back. I hope that will soon be healed.


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## manfromlamancha

There is no question here whatsoever. Your son comes first here. Not only that, you raised your son well. Your husband, on the other hand, sounds very insecure and weak. That's his problem, and while it would be admirable for you to help him with it, you shouldn't do this at the risk of compromising your son's well being.


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## cons

OP-

I feel for you. I am in my second marriage with minor kids (joint custody- so I have them at least 50%). I too married within two years following my divorce (courtship was short as well- 8 months). Sure there are things I did not expect once we were living in the same household. It takes adjusting from everyone.

It makes sense that your husband may feel second fiddle at times. You realize he hasn't eased into this sharing of your time. To label him insecure in a way that is demeaning isn't fair. He was telling you he feels less.

However, his response to your son in snide remarks and such is what he needs to be called on. He does not have to be in competition with your son, but her needs to love you in the way that gives you time to be one-on-one with him. This is on him.

It takes A LOT of communication and discussion. My husband and I played tug-o-war for a while, yet in the end we reassured each other of our care for one another. 

It sounds like the police situation may have been a message to your husband that you have chosen your son over him. That may be why he's cut contact. 

I honestly don't think he set you up to fail....he just hasn't figured out how to navigate this with you (you and he and your role as a parent)...

I know how frustrated you are...I've been there. I remember the early on when evenings were filled with homework and routines and I was all in as a parent. My husband would sometimes leak out sideways with unhealthy remarks as well. I had to call him on it. It took a lot of reassurance as well as still advocating with how I want to be fully engaged with my kids. 

If you and your husband have an opportunity to reconnect, discuss, and try to work through this...it can be done. It does take intentionality. However, if your husband is unwilling to compromise, then he is telling you he's not in it to make the coupleship better.

Hugs to you and best wishes for what you choose.


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## MJJEAN

An argument over your child resulted in an arrest and charges. Not a cooling off, but actual charges filed that you had to beg the DA to drop. Which, IMO, was foolish. Actions have consequences. Those charges were his and you prevented him from suffering the consequences of his actions.

I'm sorry, but I think your marriage to this man was a mistake and you should seriously consider divorce.


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## Confused8

Thank you all for replying. I need too see through all the angles clearly, and your replies allow me that. Thanks again.


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## Blonde

Confused8 said:


> My husband moved out over a month ago after a petty argument that went out of control, again regarding my son. I called the cops, they investigated, then took him to jail for 12 hours.


What does "went out of control" mean? What did he do that he wound up in jail?

^^If it wasn't for this, I would have a very different answer because your relationship with your teenage son does sound a bit too errr... "enmeshed" in a potentially unhealthy way. 

I have two teenage sons (13 and 15) and they have never hung out in my bedroom (when married to their dad or now that I am a single mom). They also both got to an age (@12-13) where they were not as comfortable with PDA from me and I respect that. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...11/adolescence-and-physical-affection-parents


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## Confused8

During a heated argument, my husband slapped me for the first time, then I acted in self defense. After the turmoil, he denied slapping me and stated I attacked him. He made a video tape of me as he kept coming back into the room and I continued at him because he was provoking me and I was defending my space. An appology would have been enough. But instead he'd rather acuse me and try to frame me with the cops.


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## Blonde

and* he* got arrested so apparently his video did not impress the cops :scratchhead:

I don't think cops would be quick to make that arrest unless he struck them as potentially dangerous (not to mention the DA slow to drop the charges)

If it was me, confused, I would NOT want all this drama in my life. Not my idea of a comfortable and safe marriage.

One time, I mentioned potentially dating to my 15yos and he was extremely anxious about that! (his father was abusive) So, I'm waiting till my sons are up and out.

ETA: Oh and JFTR, my ex was also a professed christian at church every time the doors opened, seminary graduate, former missionary, and christian college prof. Sometimes the "Bible" kind are the worst at justifying their abuse- they really believe males are superior and an adult male should have absolute and unquestioned authority.


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## Relationship Teacher

Confused8 said:


> I don't want to damage my son and his self esteem. I don't want him to grow up feeling bitter, that I chose someone over him. This is my sons time to have me in his life, and he is my responsibility. Also I fear that my husband would resent my son further and things could go from bad to worse if we continue. I've read so much stories about blended families to know my fear is not far fetched. My husband moved out over a month ago after a petty argument that went out of control, again regarding my son. I called the cops, they investigated, then took him to jail for 12 hours. I spoke to the DA's advocate multiple times to request the charges be dropped, and they finally did. We have had no communication since he got arrested. That night my husband threatened that he will ruin me in the community including my business after I called the cops. My brain tells me to file for divorce, and my heart and the bible says to pray for my husband's healing and the renewal of our marriage? Am I wrong to protect my son and to fight to be a good mom? Or am I being unrealistic with my expections of wanting an understanding husband. I feel my husband set me up to fail since he knew I had a son when he asked me to marry him.


It is extremely common for individuals to be different people when dating. Each person, in general, puts their best foot forward. To some, they are in a competitive mindset, doing whatever it takes to win the other's heart. Many men feel it is necessary to court the woman and then go to the closet and get the chains, once commitment has entered the field. Some see it as an inevitability: first is courtship and then the chains of control spread.

He will have to undergo a significant amount of change to realize that his way isn't *the *way. I would advise against any minute forgiveness here. You have to look under the veil and see who the person really is. The qualities that he is exhibiting are not innate, but they are deeply ingrained in his subconscious.

Men are proven to be more romantic than women. Before you push me over the ledge..... men just have a more romantic mindset or fantasy in their heads, although in practice it is typical for a woman and man to love differently, with the typical definition of love being "feminized", but I think that is a bit unfair as anyone can love in that manner.

There are some things that you can do if you decide to let him back in, but you need to learn how to resist the chains of control and manage a deeply jealous person. If you allow him back in, you will experience some effort on your own, as he might be unwilling to change, making it necessary to force change on him with emotional mastery on your part.


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## SunCMars

Blonde said:


> What does "went out of control" mean? What did he do that he wound up in jail?
> 
> ^^If it wasn't for this, I would have a very different answer because your relationship with your teenage son does sound a bit too errr... "enmeshed" in a potentially unhealthy way.
> 
> I have two teenage sons (13 and 15) and they have never hung out in my bedroom (when married to their dad or now that I am a single mom). They also both got to an age (@12-13) where they were not as comfortable with PDA from me and I respect that. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...11/adolescence-and-physical-affection-parents


I have heard your side of this and it may be "more" accurate. I say "may" because I do not know all the facts.

This man married you, after a long time being single. This was not something that he did on a whim. 

Something happened to you two during this year. If he felt that he was second in the marriage, he probably was. The unfolding situation was not something that he expected. Sounds like he did not like it, and did not handle the situation.... very well. No man should strike a woman.

That said, it sounds like you are very set in your ways, maybe intractably so. 

My take: you brought the hostility on yourself. 

A fifteen year old boy [your son] does not need to pampered, doted on and coddled. Supported and loved 110 percent, you bet!

He missed this side of the equation prior to marrying you. Why is that?

Wow! you called the police on him? If you really felt endangered than that is perfectly acceptable. If you were just very angry and enraged, you blew it. You brought strangers [Police] into the mix.
He spent time in jail, you cooled off, then tried and did get the charges dropped. Shows me that you realized that actions have consequences. Now, too late for anything resembling reconciliation.

You have serious anger and relationship issues. Get divorced and do not marry until you get these issues straightened out.


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## Confused8

You are right SunCMars. There are three sides to every story. But this is not even my entire story.

I called the cops when we were both calm, and he denied slapping me. I even offered that could he have been so angry that he doesn't remember doing it, he wouldn't even consider it. He insisted that I attacked him and he has a video to prove it. The truth needed to come out, and I emphasized that, he said to go ahead and call the cops. That I will be the one going to jail.

He threatened me and my business 3 times because I called the cops. It was because of this that I asked the DA to drop the charges.

BTW, my son is not spoiled by me. I train him to be independent. Any attention I give my son is frowned upon by my husband and is very frustrating and hard to accept. He also leaves my son out when he makes plans. I told him that my son is a priority to me especially since he is still a minor. 

And you're also correct in your assessment that I did this to myself. I should not have been involved with a man that quickly. I should have gotten to know him further and not just see what I wanted to see. He asked to move in to my house 2 months after we started dating, as not to waste paying for two households since he was always at my place. I have since seen the error in my ways. Which was the point of my initial post. However, I am torn between my brain and my convictions. So I asked for opinions. Thanks for yours.


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## Blonde

Confused8 said:


> He threatened me and my business 3 times because I called the cops. It was because of this that I asked the DA to drop the charges.


Raises a lot of alarm bells. He sounds scary and unbalanced to me. Sounds like the kind to "go postal". I wonder if the police knew him from other incidents? 

If I was you- no contact (at all, ever) and start the process of divorcing. Sounds like you learned your lesson and hopefully it doesn't get any more damaging than it has so far.

If he's really into the church thing, I would talk to his pastor (without his knowledge or consent) and let his pastor know that he is threatening you and you are afraid of him. IME with pastors they have no clue whatsoever. (believed my H's lies and denial when he assaulted then 17yod and blamed my daughter, the victim).. Nevertheless, IME the pastor is the only one in the world who has any potential of being heard or respected.

I'm sorry you dropped the charges. I'd want a restraining order.


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## turnera

Confused8 said:


> I don't want to damage my son and his self esteem. I don't want him to grow up feeling bitter, that I chose someone over him. This is my sons time to have me in his life, and he is my responsibility.


You already are damaging him. Now fix it. 

Get an annulment. Tell your H you're willing to date him (not really), but a marriage is not in the cards right now.


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## EnjoliWoman

Sounds a little like a narcissist. They love bomb, rush to the alter to get you in their control and then try to cut off your family and support system. In their world you are for them or against them. Most men understand if you need to divert your attention to your child for a moment. Not a narc - they need your attention as a constant feed for their ego. And they can be very dangerous. I don't know enough (nor am I a professional - just someone with experience) to say he is - but there are certainly a lot of signs. Be glad he is gone and file.


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## Confused8

EnjoliWoman said:


> Sounds a little like a narcissist. They love bomb, rush to the alter to get you in their control and then try to cut off your family and support system. In their world you are for them or against them. Most men understand if you need to divert your attention to your child for a moment. Not a narc - they need your attention as a constant feed for their ego. And they can be very dangerous.


Sounds about right. I read you post regarding what creates a Narc, and both scenario applies to him. You are an amazing person! What you did for your daughter and yourslef should be highly commended. if I was rich, I would give you the $30K to pay your debt... 

I remember he took my son for a haircut once, and he got upset when I noticed my sons haircut and I didn't notice that he too got a trim. He never took my son for a haircut again.


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## Hope1964

You said in your other thread that your husband SLAPPED you. And here you are saying he ended up in jail (for what, I am not entirely clear on). He has videotaped you in order to blackmail you. Is this really someone you want to be in any kind of a relationship with, especially be MARRIED to?!? Why are you even asking the question about whether you should be putting this man first, ahead of your son???

Come on, wake up and file for a divorce. PLEASE.


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## Confused8

Hope1964 said:


> You said in your other thread that your husband SLAPPED you. And here you are saying he ended up in jail (for what, I am not entirely clear on). He has videotaped you in order to blackmail you. Is this really someone you want to be in any kind of a relationship with, especially be MARRIED to?!? Why are you even asking the question about whether you should be putting this man first, ahead of your son???
> 
> Come on, wake up and file for a divorce. PLEASE.


Sorry for being in a haze. I will read these posts over and over again to remind me when the hopeful bug enters my mind.

He went to jail for slapping me because his video backfired on him. It showed the truth to his provocations.

Thanks for the post. I believe seeing it from multiple people will help me get unstuck from this limbo I got tangled in.


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## EnjoliWoman

You've been single before. Nothing new or impossible there. You made a mistake and opened your heart - it's a wonderful quality, really. Don't beat yourself up. Next time, be sure to follow the 1-year rule - date someone at LEAST a year before you decide to take the next step (engagement, living together). You'll have a better chance of seeing exactly who they are. Two steps forward and one step back is still progress.


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## jdawg2015

Get out before it gets worse. This won't get better.


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## aine

On the face of it few things

1. You seem to have a very close relationship with your son. It may be a little too 'close'. When my son was 15 he wanted to hang out with his friends and was only interested in me when it came to food, getting a lift somewhere, etc. It sounds as if you have put your son first for most of his life that you have mollycoddled him and he and you do not know how to be independent of one another. Your relationship does not sound healthy.

2. Your H sounds immature and totally unprepared for your overly close relationship with your son. The way he has handled it is totally inappropriate but I cannot but believe that you also played a big part in this. I suggest you examine your role in the whole scenario. You should get counselling to handle this.

3. I wonder what will happen in the future, I suspect you will also have big trouble with your future daughter in law, that is if your son ever gets married.


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## Emerging Buddhist

My thoughts were also drifting along some of these points aine...

Still, they should part from this unhealthy place and quickly if they challenge another to the point of violence and retaliation.


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