# Fiance's sexual behavior is becoming a real issue for me



## SophieSweetSue (Jan 1, 2021)

I hope it's OK to put this question in this group since we're not actually married yet.
Fiance and I have been together 4 years and supposed to be getting married this coming summer.
Just moved in together last May because Covid meant it was either live together or not see each other at all.
Prior to this I was living with female roommates in the city where my college is, he was living alone in an apartment in the city where his job is (which is where we are now).
I'm 24 he's 27, neither ever married we are waiting until I finished my Master's degree which right now I am doing online. He's my 2nd boyfriend and also my 2nd sex partner, I'm his 3rd serious relationship but he admits he's had a lot of sex only short term "flings" and he's slept with maybe around 2 dozen women since he was in high school.
Because we were living in different cities we didn't see each other regularly but when we did we had what I thought was a satisfactory sex life. But even though we were having sex we didn't actually spend the night together very often maybe once in a while on a weekend. He was working nights and weekends so there wasn't much point in my staying overnight very often. Since Covid started he's been working from home so we're pretty much always together lately.
We have sex regularly now not every day but probably at least every 1-2 days unless I'm not feeling well (I get really bad migraines on a regular basis). I'm starting to wonder if it's enough for him.
We'll have sex when we go to bed and I'll wake up in the middle of the night and he'll be turned away from me masturbating. Or I'll wake up in the middle of the night and he'll be rubbing himself up against my butt and a few times he's even been inside me. I told him I don't like it and to please stop but he says it happens in his sleep and then he wakes up and he can't stop because he's so aroused. Which I looked up to see if it was even possible and found something on Google called "sexomnia" that I'm wondering if he might be experiencing. Whatever it is, it freaks me out and makes me feel violated. He doesn't seem to think it's any big deal. We both used to sleep nude but lately I've started wearing heavy fleece PJs to bed just to block his access.
Sometimes I'll wake up and he won't be in bed and I'll find him watching porn on his laptop or TV and masturbating. Even when we just had sex a few hours previously.
I've found copies of porn mags under the bathroom rug and under the bed while cleaning. He says he "forgot" that he had them and that he doesn't look at them anymore since I moved in.
This is all making me really confused and honestly it hurts my feelings. I don't really have anything against porn in general but I hate feeling like I'm not enough for him. I love him and outside the bedroom we have a great relationship and we have a lot of fun together but I'm starting to wonder if I need to leave because I don't want to spend my life with a man who needs sex so much that he's watching porn and masturbating just a few hours after actually having sex. I also worry that a guy who needs that much sex will end up cheating because one woman will never be enough for him.
I guess my question is whether or not this might be fixable and if so how? Does it sound like he has a sex addiction? Should I be threatening to leave him if he doesn't get some kind of help? Or should I cut my losses and just leave now? I know there's no way I can go through with this marriage the way things are right now. And honestly his behavior is grossing me out to the point where I'm losing attraction to him and I don't want to have sex with him at all anymore. Which makes me wonder if I should just leave.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Yes you should leave. If you marry this guy you will regret it more than anything else you've ever done.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He's a little out of control. He was raping you while you slept. There's no other way to look at it. He doesn't care if you want it or not. He doesn't care if you're awake or not even. It's creepy. 
You already have noticed that this is going to be a problem, and once married, he will likely expect you to go along with sex whatever he wants when he wants, because that is something that is becoming common in this "porn generation." 

If I were you, I would not marry him. I would find someone who is closer to your own sex drive. Men are on here all the time complaining about their women have low sex drives, when actually they have normal sex drives and they will divorce over it, so don't even marry him. It will only get worse.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’re getting a preview of what life will be like if you marry him.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I have heard of sexomnia, but where your guy goes from potentially having a legit problem to being a creepy abuser is saying Oh I'm too aroused when I wake up. This is BS. The guy has some real serious dangerous issues. Run like your life depends on it because it may.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

SophieSweetSue said:


> I hope it's OK to put this question in this group since we're not actually married yet.
> Fiance and I have been together 4 years and supposed to be getting married this coming summer.
> Just moved in together last May because Covid meant it was either live together or not see each other at all.
> Prior to this I was living with female roommates in the city where my college is, he was living alone in an apartment in the city where his job is (which is where we are now).
> ...


When life gets hard like after children he'll be here complaining he doesn't get enough sex and everyone will tell him to divorce you. Don't marry this guy this doesn't bode well and he doesn't see that you have a problem with it. Sex is one of the number one issues people have when they are married so don't over look the mismatch. And him having sex with you while sleeping isn't ok if you haven't ok'd it. Some people don't care about porn some do. I personally wouldn't be involved with someone who watched porn regular and then kinda lied about it and you know he's going to keep doing it.


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

Leave. Trust me. Things will work out, especially if you're female, you've got Magic ***** Power and can get another man easier than he could find a woman. It's just jack. . . the porn thing is the big tip-off. Most guys are just not going to be spending time in porn-world if they've got a real live woman to bonk. And many don't get into porn at all, since it's so fake. Guy's got problems. Bigger than you could ever fix.


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> When life gets hard like after children he'll be here complaining he doesn't get enough sex and everyone will tell him to divorce you. Don't marry this guy this doesn't bode well and he doesn't see that you have a problem with it. Sex is one of the number one issues people have when they are married so don't over look the mismatch. And him having sex with you while sleeping isn't ok if you haven't ok'd it. Some people don't care about porn some do. I personally wouldn't be involved with someone who watched porn regular and then kinda lied about it and you know he's going to keep doing it.


actually isn't the chief reason for divorce financial?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

+1 on the don’t marry him. You’re not sexually compatible. Also... penetrating you while unconscious is um... a sex crime?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ccpowerslave said:


> +1 on the don’t marry him. You’re not sexually compatible. Also... penetrating you while unconscious is um... a sex crime?


You know, there is a psychological issue with some people that they would actually rather have sex with someone unconscious and not even have to interact with the actual person being awake. It's a form of necrophilia and it goes back to them having certain problems interacting with live people. There are some notorious serial rapists and serial killers like that. So it is creepy. 

You see it a lot in young guys just starting to have sex. They often want a girl completely blitzed for a variety of reasons, only one of which is access, but also so she won't notice if they're crap and sometimes because they have no social skills to go about it in the right way. That of course is date rape. 

It's a deficit in him. Hopefully nothing that extreme. But he does like seeing if he can do it without you noticing and he's lying about it. Look at it this way. Look in the future 16 years when you've got a pretty daughter together. Do you still want to worry about him saying he can't help himself going in while someone's asleep and slipping it in?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Aside from all the creepy stuff just the frequency seems to be an issue and you’re not even married yet. Go with your instincts on this one.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The Mighty Fred said:


> actually isn't the chief reason for divorce financial?


I believe that porn use is one of the major reasons for divorce now.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Look in the future 16 years when you've got a pretty daughter together. Do you still want to worry about him saying he can't help himself going in while someone's asleep and slipping it in?


Now that's way over the top.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its highly unlikely that he will change to be honest. You arent yet married so if you are that uncomfortable with him then this is the time to call it off.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

The Mighty Fred said:


> actually isn't the chief reason for divorce financial?


Actually infidelity is number one which is a sex issue.
Communication issues
commitment issues
Depending on which survey you look at money is more often number 3, 4, or 5


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## SophieSweetSue (Jan 1, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You know, there is a psychological issue with some people that they would actually rather have sex with someone unconscious and not even have to interact with the actual person being awake. It's a form of necrophilia and it goes back to them having certain problems interacting with live people. There are some notorious serial rapists and serial killers like that. So it is creepy.
> 
> You see it a lot in young guys just starting to have sex. They often want a girl completely blitzed for a variety of reasons, only one of which is access, but also so she won't notice if they're crap and sometimes because they have no social skills to go about it in the right way. That of course is date rape.
> 
> It's a deficit in him. Hopefully nothing that extreme. But he does like seeing if he can do it without you noticing and he's lying about it. Look at it this way. Look in the future 16 years when you've got a pretty daughter together. Do you still want to worry about him saying he can't help himself going in while someone's asleep and slipping it in?


I honestly don't see that happening. I believe him when he says that it's happening in his sleep. Then I wake up and react to it and my reaction wakes him up. So I do think it is possible that he may have this sexomnia condition, which wouldn't be a threat to anyone not already in the bed with him. What bothers me is that he won't stop, although I realize it might be difficult for a man to pull out when he's already halfway there. I'm just at a point of debating if I should ask him to get some therapy for it, or if I should just leave because it's making me lose interest in having sex with him and I have no way of knowing if I'll ever get it back.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

SophieSweetSue said:


> I honestly don't see that happening. I believe him when he says that it's happening in his sleep. Then I wake up and react to it and my reaction wakes him up. So I do think it is possible that he may have this sexomnia condition, which wouldn't be a threat to anyone not already in the bed with him. What bothers me is that he won't stop, although I realize it might be difficult for a man to pull out when he's already halfway there. I'm just at a point of debating if I should ask him to get some therapy for it, or if I should just leave because it's making me lose interest in having sex with him and I have no way of knowing if I'll ever get it back.


If you are losing interest before marriage then that is not a good sign. I'd be upset that he doesn't seem to take any of your concerns seriously. He doesn't seem to value you. Don't stick around if you aren't valued. Think hard about incompatibility issues are they are only going to get worse at time wears on. I've been married 27 years due to a few simple facts and the biggest one is that both me and my spouse value each other over pretty much anything else. That means we actively seek to make sure the other is happy and make choices that show that value. Therefore we don't fight or have problems. It doesn't mean we agree on everything it means there isn't a single issue to us more important than our spouse.


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## SophieSweetSue (Jan 1, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> +1 on the don’t marry him. You’re not sexually compatible. Also... penetrating you while unconscious is um... a sex crime?


Actually I've been researching it all day and sexomnia has successfully been used as a defense in sexual assault trials. Assuming he has it. Apparently it tends to start when someone is under a lot of stress and he has been under a TON of stress lately. We both had Covid a few months ago and even though neither of us got really sick, it was scary and nothing has really been the same since then. We've both kind of been on edge ever since.It's not helping that he's facing the fact that he may get laid off if he can't go back to work in person soon because his company may end up going out of business. I'm not working because I'm a full time grad student in a very difficult and time consuming program - so we're living on just his income right now.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Maybe he doesn't see what he's doing as a problem. If that's the case, I truly doubt he'd get therapy. The thing is, YOU have a problem with this and YOU are posting here. All I can tell you is that before you decide whether to leave or stay, you need to have a very serious discussion with him. Air out all your concerns. Listen carefully to his answers.

My gut is telling me that if you stay, this isn't going to end well ... JMO.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

SophieSweetSue said:


> I know there's no way I can go through with this marriage the way things are right now. And honestly his behavior is grossing me out to the point where I'm losing attraction to him and I don't want to have sex with him at all anymore. Which makes me wonder if I should just leave.


The purpose of dating is to get to know each other to see if you are the right match for each other or not.

I’d say you have your answer.


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## SophieSweetSue (Jan 1, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> If you are losing interest before marriage then that is not a good sign. I'd be upset that he doesn't seem to take any of your concerns seriously. He doesn't seem to value you. Don't stick around if you aren't valued. Think hard about incompatibility issues are they are only going to get worse at time wears on. I've been married 27 years due to a few simple facts and the biggest one is that both me and my spouse value each other over pretty much anything else. That means we actively seek to make sure the other is happy and make choices that show that value. Therefore we don't fight or have problems. It doesn't mean we agree on everything it means there isn't a single issue to us more important than our spouse.


Outside of the bedroom we have a great relationship. We have never had a major fight, not even when I brought up the issues I've come here with. We don't yell or scream or slam doors or walk out on each other or give each other the silent treatment. We've never given each other a reason to start a fight because we're both really quiet, introverted, non confrontational people. So we talk things out calmly even when we're upset. Hell the only time either of us cries is when we watch sad movies! That's why I'm so torn about leaving him. We have a lot in common, we enjoy the same things, we have similar family and educational backgrounds and religious beliefs and intellectual interests. I'm infertile and he doesn't want kids, so we're a good match there. He got me through a really hard time a couple of years ago when my little brother was killed in a car accident and I did the same for him when his dad had cancer later that same year. It would be really hard to walk away from our shared history. But the thing is that shared history was mostly created when we weren't living together so I didn't know what it would be like living with him full time. Now that we are living together this has come up and it does worry me. I don't know whether what we have is worth trying to save through therapy or if it's something where I should just cut my losses and go. I do know that I love him very much and I believe he loves me just as much. But the thing is that his weird behavior has just started since we both had Covid in September and his job has been threatened makes me really concerned that he doesn't deal well with stressful situations. And for some reason I really can't explain, whenever we have sex now I think about all the times I've caught him masturbating lately, and I lose interest because it both grosses me out and makes me feel bad.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

I think you guys just aren't compatible. Sounds to me like dude wants to have sex 24/7 and you don't. That's pretty much the issue here. Maybe he is a great, loving, caring partner in other ways but this is likely an issue that will cause problems down the road if you don't come to a compromise. 

I never heard of sexomnia but I 100% legit have done that enough times myself to think the guy is likely telling the truth. 

I think it's way over the top to insinuate the guy is a rapist. Rape is a very serious crime that comes with a serious punishment if convicted. It's definitely not an accusation I would throw around lightly.


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## GirlBetrayed (Oct 9, 2018)

After having children, which is an assumption that you will, women usually become overwhelmed, exhausted and their sex drive wanes. He will want it no matter what, no matter how exhausted you are, despite how not in the mood you are. And if he doesn’t get regular sex, where do you think he’s going to get it from? This is an opportunity to run.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I don't believe he actually has sexomnia, but if you do, then at least be aware:

"*Sexsomnia* often causes self-touching or sexual motions, but it *can* also cause an individual to seek sexual intimacy with others unknowingly. *Sexsomnia* may also occur at the same time as other parasomnia activities, such as *sleepwalking* or talking. "


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

There is a lot more going on here than some incompatibility in sex drive. If the guy had any remorse or embarassment or consideration for how she feels about this so called "sexsomnia" that would be one thing.

But he doesn't care what she thinks. As far as he's concerned what he's doing is perfectly ok. 

That's the problem.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

I'm not sure I can add much more, but I can attest to the sex whilst asleep.
My husband would sleep sex for many years.
But I was high drive, so it was fine with me.
There was no malice.
There was no indication of abusive behaviour.
It was just a quicky in the middle of the night.
And oddly he could zone into my erogenous zones much quicker.
I was happy enough with this aspect of our sex life.
But I realise it's not for everyone.
I never thought of it as a sex addiction though.
He also slept walked and slept talked, especially if he had been drinking

As it's something that he can't control whilst asleep, I don't think ultimatatums in that direction will have much effect.

But day to day, cutting down on the build up/porn watching might. 

Actually this is quite hard to work out/resolve. Do you have the option of separate bedrooms for awhile?
Maybe he could wear clothing to bed as well now in an effort to slow down/wake up his dream self?

But on top of this, is the fact that you are turned off by catching him masterbating. Is he aware that this turns you off? (Quite normal for many partners) 
Is he aware that you are questioning your relationship over this?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Psychology Today article on sexomnia








Is Sexsomnia Real?


Emerging cases of a serious sleep disorder.




www.psychologytoday.com





"Most people who exhibit this behavior are known sleepwalkers - either in childhood or more recently in their lives."


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## SophieSweetSue (Jan 1, 2021)

GirlBetrayed said:


> After having children, which is an assumption that you will, women usually become overwhelmed, exhausted and their sex drive wanes. He will want it no matter what, no matter how exhausted you are, despite how not in the mood you are. And if he doesn’t get regular sex, where do you think he’s going to get it from? This is an opportunity to run.


I'm infertile (I had a full hysterectomy at 18 due to severe PCOS complications) and my fiance really dislikes children. So kids are never going to be an issue. It's one of the reasons I hate to leave him. We're both so compatible on an issue that's often hard for people to agree on.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I don't believe he actually has sexomnia, but if you do, then at least be aware:
> 
> "*Sexsomnia* often causes self-touching or *sexual motions*, but it *can* also cause an individual to *seek sexual intimacy* with others unknowingly. *Sexsomnia* may also occur at the same time as other parasomnia activities, such as *sleepwalking* or talking. "


I thought this sort of thing was normal TBH. Ladies I have dated have told me that I do all that in my sleep and I almost never remember any of it. I might wake up in the middle of something but that's it. I have never done any sleepwalking or anything.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Some people would actually rather have sex with someone unconscious, and so as not to even interact with the actual person, being awake. It's a form of necrophilia.


Ooh Wow!

My imagination pales against this exaggeration.

Then again, I like it!

No, not the naked interaction with a sleeping lady, just the raw spelling of it.

The OP's fiancee went from being a sex hound to a walking, talking. effing the dead, monster.

I do agree, porn is a romance-magic killer.


_The Typist-_


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Enigma32 said:


> I thought this sort of thing was normal TBH. Ladies I have dated have told me that I do all that in my sleep and I almost never remember any of it. I might wake up in the middle of something but that's it. I have never done any sleepwalking or anything.


Honestly, I don't even buy that sexomnia is anything at all common, and what I've just read backs that up. I mean, I've read so much psychology and criminal psychology and never come across it. I think it makes sense that when it exists, it is something like sleepwalking and a component of that. So if you aren't sleepwalking too, I'm not believing it's sexomnia. 
Pretty sure nearly every woman has been poked in the middle of the night, but if there's no resistance or something cataclysmic because they're startled, then the guy is awake and aware at some point early on and couldn't be mistaken for being still asleep.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> Ooh Wow!
> 
> My imagination pales against this exaggeration.
> 
> ...


It's not an exaggeration for the people who actually operate this way. It's more of a thing by a long shot than "sexomnia."

Just think how many guys got really excited at the idea of robot women for sex.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Just think how many guys got really excited at the idea of robot women for sex.


I doubt there are that many. Probably only the losers that can't get a real flesh and blood woman.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Trident said:


> I doubt there are that many. Probably only the losers that can't get a real flesh and blood woman.


In criminal psychology they're often those who use the blitz attack from behind to knock out the victim because they don't want the woman to see them at all. One famous case John Douglas wrote about, it was because the guy had some type of speech impediment that made him not want to deal with a woman's reaction to him.

I just read this on Wikipedia about a whole slew of related terms dealing with the same type thing, if anyone just wants to read. It describes different related conditions/fetishes. (This doesn't sound like a fetish because he's not reliant on it, so not saying that.) Also, note that the title of this article isn't the same as the conditions she's saying, but sounds similar.






Somnophilia - Wikipedia







en.wikipedia.org





Also, reference Bill Cosby.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

I took the term "robot" women literally.


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## SophieSweetSue (Jan 1, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Psychology Today article on sexomnia
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This is something that as far as I know has only started since we both had mild cases of Covid in September. It never happened prior to that.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Newsbreak! A recently discovered side effect of COVID is the sudden compulsion to screw your girlfriend or wife in your sleep, masturbate frequently and view porn in excessive amounts and lie about it.

To ensure the safety of women everywhere, horny young males all around the world will have priority access to the vaccine.
.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

SophieSweetSue said:


> Outside of the bedroom we have a great relationship. We have never had a major fight, not even when I brought up the issues I've come here with. We don't yell or scream or slam doors or walk out on each other or give each other the silent treatment. We've never given each other a reason to start a fight because we're both really quiet, introverted, non confrontational people. So we talk things out calmly even when we're upset. Hell the only time either of us cries is when we watch sad movies! That's why I'm so torn about leaving him. We have a lot in common, we enjoy the same things, we have similar family and educational backgrounds and religious beliefs and intellectual interests. I'm infertile and he doesn't want kids, so we're a good match there. He got me through a really hard time a couple of years ago when my little brother was killed in a car accident and I did the same for him when his dad had cancer later that same year. It would be really hard to walk away from our shared history. But the thing is that shared history was mostly created when we weren't living together so I didn't know what it would be like living with him full time. Now that we are living together this has come up and it does worry me. I don't know whether what we have is worth trying to save through therapy or if it's something where I should just cut my losses and go. I do know that I love him very much and I believe he loves me just as much. But the thing is that his weird behavior has just started since we both had Covid in September and his job has been threatened makes me really concerned that he doesn't deal well with stressful situations. And for some reason I really can't explain, whenever we have sex now I think about all the times I've caught him masturbating lately, and I lose interest because it both grosses me out and makes me feel bad.


I know what you are saying. As a woman this is how we think. But please read the threads here in the sex section or some in the divorce section. For many men sex is the only way they feel 'loved' the only thing that really matters to them and everything else they believe they can get from a room mate or friend. Mismatched sex drives is one of the common reasons for divorce and cheating. It isn't just the that he wants sex and looks at porn it is that he doesn't seem to care about your feelings on this. How clear have you made it about your feelings?

I was in a long term relationship with a guy I was supposed to marry and almost everything was right except a few things. I ended up running from that relationship because in the end I just knew it wasn't going to work well no matter how much he or I wanted it to. That was the best decision of my life.

Of course you can keep him if you want but really put some time into researching men's feelings on sex. How porn can affect a relationship. Excessive masturbating and such. This site has many wonderful threads to give you perspective. Please read the one about the guy whose been married for 20+ years, says he loves his wife and they have a great relationship except he isn't happy with the sex. Oh he get's sex but not as much or varied as he would like and in the end it boils down to he wants some strange because he 'loves' women. Please read the first 20 or 30 threads in the sex forum. It is an eye opening experience on how sexual men are or how unhappy they are about sexual mismatch. You are at the beginning of your relationship it's time for some deep introspection so 10 years or 20 years from now you aren't in for a nasty surprise.









Super Quandary - swinging


My wife and I are getting to be an older couple married 22 years, with one son. We have an enormously happy marriage so much so that people almost seem to look up to us or give the impression they're jealous. We get along so well. I'm considering proposing swinging to her. This is because I'm...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

SophieSweetSue said:


> This is something that as far as I know has only started since we both had mild cases of Covid in September. It never happened prior to that.


I was just reading yesterday where some percentage of people have brain changes due to covid.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Honestly I just think you're just now getting to know the real guy. The longer you know someone the better you know them and the earlier version often seems preferable but it's not as genuine. 

Just know that there are many people out there you can love but not live with for any number of reasons, and that's what the engagement period is all about and living together is all about. You're finding out you can love him but not live with him. 

I understand what you say about you being unfertile and he's fine with that. It can be hard if you're looking for a long-term monogamous relationship and can't have kids. but it is also true that men do not care as much about having kids as women do. Some of them want them just to hit that milestone because that's what everyone expects them to do and some of them really really love their children and get involved, but there's also everything in the middle between those two extremes. 

And there's always adoption if you really want kids.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

SophieSweetSue said:


> I honestly don't see that happening. I believe him when he says that it's happening in his sleep. Then I wake up and react to it and my reaction wakes him up. So I do think it is possible that he may have this sexomnia condition, which wouldn't be a threat to anyone not already in the bed with him. What bothers me is that he won't stop, although I realize it might be difficult for a man to pull out when he's already halfway there. I'm just at a point of debating if I should ask him to get some therapy for it, or if I should just leave because it's making me lose interest in having sex with him and I have no way of knowing if I'll ever get it back.





Enigma32 said:


> I think you guys just aren't compatible. Sounds to me like dude wants to have sex 24/7 and you don't. That's pretty much the issue here. Maybe he is a great, loving, caring partner in other ways but this is likely an issue that will cause problems down the road if you don't come to a compromise.
> 
> I never heard of sexomnia but I 100% legit have done that enough times myself to think the guy is likely telling the truth.
> 
> I think it's way over the top to insinuate the guy is a rapist. Rape is a very serious crime that comes with a serious punishment if convicted. It's definitely not an accusation I would throw around lightly.


I agree with the fact that you guys just don't seem sexually compatible, as he clearly has a greater preoccupation and drive for sex than you do. No matter how much history you have together, or how well you get along outside the bedroom, you only have to read threads around here to see that a sexual mismatch eventually undermines the best marriage and makes people miserable. It's something that's only becoming clear to you as you have now been living together, no matter how great your sex life appeared to be before that.

But there's also the extremely alarming fact that he's raping you in your sleep. Yes, it's rape. You have told him that you don't want it, and have taken obvious steps to prevent it by wearing thick PJs to bed instead of sleeping nude. He still does it and claims he can't stop? It is NOT difficult for a man to pull out when he's halfway there. Unpleasant maybe, but not difficult. The erection itself might be out of his direct control, but the rest of his body is still under his own power to remove from you and the bed. He might start it in his sleep, but once he wakes up, realizes what's happening, and KEEPS GOING, it's a complete violation of your previously communicated wishes and bodily autonomy. He is exhibiting zero love and respect for you by doing this, and you are naturally responding by losing respect and desire for him.

The latter issue could perhaps be improved with therapy, if he doesn't realize how much you feel violated by it, and it was the only issue. But add it to the sexual mismatch that will always be there, and I'm not sure your situation is solvable.

As for the fact that this is recent after your experiences with COVID, well, it's going to be a while before the long-term effects post-survival are known. Maybe it resolves eventually, maybe it's permanent. It's just hard to know at this point.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Enigma32 said:


> I think you guys just aren't compatible. Sounds to me like dude wants to have sex 24/7 and you don't. That's pretty much the issue here. Maybe he is a great, loving, caring partner in other ways but this is likely an issue that will cause problems down the road if you don't come to a compromise.
> 
> I never heard of sexomnia but I 100% legit have done that enough times myself to think the guy is likely telling the truth.
> 
> I think it's way over the top to insinuate the guy is a rapist. Rape is a very serious crime that comes with a serious punishment if convicted. It's definitely not an accusation I would throw around lightly.


Surely if you wake up with a man penis inside you that isnt consensual sex? You were asleep so not able to give consent. .


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's not an exaggeration for the people who actually operate this way. It's more of a thing by a long shot than "sexomnia."
> 
> Just think how many guys got really excited at the idea of robot women for sex.


Not real men, just very shallow blokes, stroking their pokes.

Of course you are right, cuz' robots don't talk back, aren't sad or bad.

The world makes for all kinds of sad people.
It is getting worse by the day.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SophieSweetSue said:


> Outside of the bedroom we have a great relationship. We have never had a major fight, not even when I brought up the issues I've come here with. We don't yell or scream or slam doors or walk out on each other or give each other the silent treatment. We've never given each other a reason to start a fight because we're both really quiet, introverted, non confrontational people. So we talk things out calmly even when we're upset. Hell the only time either of us cries is when we watch sad movies! That's why I'm so torn about leaving him. We have a lot in common, we enjoy the same things, we have similar family and educational backgrounds and religious beliefs and intellectual interests. I'm infertile and he doesn't want kids, so we're a good match there. He got me through a really hard time a couple of years ago when my little brother was killed in a car accident and I did the same for him when his dad had cancer later that same year. It would be really hard to walk away from our shared history. But the thing is that shared history was mostly created when we weren't living together so I didn't know what it would be like living with him full time. Now that we are living together this has come up and it does worry me. I don't know whether what we have is worth trying to save through therapy or if it's something where I should just cut my losses and go. I do know that I love him very much and I believe he loves me just as much. But the thing is that his weird behavior has just started since we both had Covid in September and his job has been threatened makes me really concerned that he doesn't deal well with stressful situations. And for some reason I really can't explain, whenever we have sex now I think about all the times I've caught him masturbating lately, and I lose interest because it both grosses me out and makes me feel bad.


The sex life in marriage is very important even if you get on in other areas. What is happening now will be what happens when you marry, can you live with that for many decades? Him watching porn, maturbating all the time and you waking up with him having sex with you? You have said these things put you off having sex with him and 'gross you out', its going to be the same after you marry, in fact worse because you are then stuck. Its just been a few months and already you feel very uncomfortable and that you should leave. That feeling will get far worse after a few years.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> What is happening now will be what happens when you marry


Not necessarily. Typically it gets worse.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> Not real men, just very shallow blokes, stroking their pokes.
> 
> Of course you are right, cuz' robots don't talk back, aren't sad or bad.
> 
> ...


Wouldn't it be hilarious if a whole bunch of these idiots bought those female sex robots not expecting them to talk back and then found out they did and we're telling them they were doing it all wrong and nagging them to do the housework?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Granted, the two of you have a lot in common. But, the thing is, your gut is telling you something is off. The two of you don't sound sexually compatible. All you need do is read some of the threads on TAM, particularly in the Sex in Marriage forum, to see that sexual incompatibility can really trash a marriage. 

You can blame COVID, you can blame the fact that you two just started living together, you can even blame the alignment of the planets. The thing is, you two are coming from different perspectives on the issue of sex. 

These things are bothering you, but does you bf know exactly how much? I'd venture to guess he doesn't, which is why you are here.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Surely if you wake up with a man penis inside you that isnt consensual sex? You were asleep so not able to give consent. .


And technically, according to modern logic, I have basically raped every girl I have ever been with because I never asked for notarized consent forms. I'd say that a relationship partner that unconsciously initiates sex with his GF isn't raping her. You do you though.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Enigma32 said:


> And technically, according to modern logic, I have basically raped every girl I have ever been with because I never asked for notarized consent forms.


Your conclusion is not supported by your premise.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Wouldn't it be hilarious if a whole bunch of these idiots bought those female sex robots not expecting them to talk back and then found out they did and we're telling them they were doing it all wrong and nagging them to do the housework?


Back to the business of SophieSweetSue.

But yeah, sure.

Sorry, SSS.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

SophieSweetSue said:


> Actually I've been researching it all day and sexomnia has successfully been used as a defense in sexual assault trials. Assuming he has it. Apparently it tends to start when someone is under a lot of stress and he has been under a TON of stress lately. We both had Covid a few months ago and even though neither of us got really sick, it was scary and nothing has really been the same since then. We've both kind of been on edge ever since.It's not helping that he's facing the fact that he may get laid off if he can't go back to work in person soon because his company may end up going out of business. I'm not working because I'm a full time grad student in a very difficult and time consuming program - so we're living on just his income right now.


No Nope Uh Uh. If a guy had Sexomnia and woke up to find out he was having sex with his unconscious girlfriend/wife whoever, he would be horrified and stop immediately. Having Sexomnia and having sex with an unconscious partner while you are also asleep is one thing. If you keep having sex with the unconscious partner after you yourself are conscious and aware of what is happening is a sex crime. The dude is all kinds of high level creepy. DUMP HIM THREE DAYS AGO.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

One's sexual nature is not long repressible. 
..............................................

In all fairness, if you could convince him that his thoughts and actions were unreasonable, and if he is willing to go to a mental health professional, then you have a chance at deprogramming him.

..............................................

If's are often, mere wishful, and wistful thoughts.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I have woke up not once, but several times with my wife or fiancée on top of me having their way with me. I was so sleepy I didn’t even know what was going on. When I awoke, I was sometimes only half awake.
When I asked her about it the next morning, she said it indeed did happen and it was great. I didn’t mind at all. She was my wife or SO. Why would I? I’d give her whatever she wanted whenever she wanted.

was I raped? Hmmm.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I will say this OP. Things that bother you before marriage—— multiply them by 1 billion. That’s how bad they will be when you’re married.

I do think you should hold off a while on marrying this guy. He’s got a sex problem.


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Honestly I just think you're just now getting to know the real guy. The longer you know someone the better you know them and the earlier version often seems preferable but it's not as genuine.
> 
> Just know that there are many people out there you can love but not live with for any number of reasons, and that's what the engagement period is all about and living together is all about. You're finding out you can love him but not live with him.
> 
> ...



Sophie --- OP --- please read this.

Trust me when I say that you should move on----women see bits of usable relationship and believe they can magic together the broken or bad stuff. Men don't change like that. I appreciate that you've invested time, care for this person, but you're talking lifetime of problems here that you cannot solve.

It is NOT the case that he is your soulmate. There are other men out there with whom you could have a fantastic life. It's not the case that there "only one" person for you.

It is not wrong to break up with someone, especially over something as significant and troubling as this.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I don't know what meets the legal standard for assault or rape, but I would certainly feel violated if someone kept going when I said "stop" and did not care that I had said it. He was conscious when you say stop yes? Please, for your own safety, get out of there. If this is what he is like during what is essentially the "honeymoon stage" of the relatioship what else is there in your future if you stay with him? Is there a friend or family member you can stay with? If not try the woman's shelter. There are better things out there for you. You don't have to take this. You don't deserve it. And it does not make it ok because he is your fiance. Stay strong.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I agree with others -your main problem is that he doesn’t see problem. Unless you did not communicate this to him, there is no excuse. 
and things only get worse after getting married.

Marriage does not fix problem in relationship, it exposes them in bright light.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Trident said:


> A recently discovered side effect of COVID is the sudden compulsion to screw your girlfriend or wife in your sleep, masturbate frequently and view porn in excessive amounts and lie about it.


That sounds like me... and I haven't had Covid, or maybe I've had it! 
Joking apart, it doesn't sound a sexually compatible relationship to me. I wanted sex all the time when I was 27, but luckily my wife did too. Just wait until you are 57...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

WandaJ said:


> I agree with others -your main problem is that *he doesn’t see any problem.* Unless you did not communicate this to him, there is no excuse.
> and things only get worse after getting married.
> 
> Marriage does not fix problem in relationship, it exposes them in bright light.


He sees these activities as Sophie's problem, not his.
We are all selfish, some way more than others.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

It's Sophie choice.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

There are some serious issues here OP, at the very least you should postpone the wedding until they are resolved - one way or the other.

No one should ever get married when having serious doubts like you are, no matter the reason.

You need to understand that he is raping you too. Sexomnia may be a thing, but the fact that you wake up and tell him to stop and he doesn’t, makes it rape - that is a huge issue. Huge.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Enigma32 said:


> And technically, according to modern logic, I have basically raped every girl I have ever been with because I never asked for notarized consent forms. I'd say that a relationship partner that unconsciously initiates sex with his GF isn't raping her. You do you though.


Where did anyone mention consent forms? A verbal consent is enough.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I have woke up not once, but several times with my wife or fiancée on top of me having their way with me. I was so sleepy I didn’t even know what was going on. When I awoke, I was sometimes only half awake.
> When I asked her about it the next morning, she said it indeed did happen and it was great. I didn’t mind at all. She was my wife or SO. Why would I? I’d give her whatever she wanted whenever she wanted.
> 
> was I raped? Hmmm.


If she knows that you are happy with that then fine, the OP has said she isnt.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Slip out of bed after he falls asleep and have a linebacker slip in.

Things will get sorted soon enough and the entertainment value alone would make it worth while.😉


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

PS. I use to sleepwalk and, after meeting and living with my future wife, developed a form of occasional sleep sex.

Mrs. Conan called it 👽 alien sex and really liked it but I was incredibly soft with my touches and not scary or forceful at all.

I've never had issues with initiating sex with anyone in my sleep besides my wife. Might be interesting for data. This is an interesting side subject.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Enigma32 said:


> And technically, according to modern logic, I have basically raped every girl I have ever been with because I never asked for notarized consent forms. I'd say that a relationship partner that unconsciously initiates sex with his GF isn't raping her. You do you though.





Evinrude58 said:


> I have woke up not once, but several times with my wife or fiancée on top of me having their way with me. I was so sleepy I didn’t even know what was going on. When I awoke, I was sometimes only half awake.
> When I asked her about it the next morning, she said it indeed did happen and it was great. I didn’t mind at all. She was my wife or SO. Why would I? I’d give her whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. was I raped? Hmmm.


It becomes rape when she tells him to stop and he doesn't. Simple.

Had you told your wife/girlfriends to stop and they didn't, then yes, you were raped.


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