# Done,,, but she's contacting me



## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

OK finally after this crazy two year relationship I am done with my ex fiancé. I've cut off communication but she continues to email me on a daily basis. Do any of you guys have experience with this? Is it cool for me to not respond like I am? Should I just give little short responses like OK, that's great. 
She's reaching out sometimes it's extremely negative stuff and even threatening me. And then sometimes reaching out if she had some good news for herself. I'm guessing she's reaching out because she misses the attention she used to get from me? 

What do you guys recommend? No reply whatsoever go stone cold silent or maybe a little response here and there but nothing more
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## rockon (May 18, 2016)

If you are truly done with her, go dark, no contact. First block her on your e-mail.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

rockon said:


> If you are truly done with her, go dark, no contact. First block her on your e-mail.


He won't do that. Some guys are weak. I speak from first hand experience. 

JD,

Yes she likes the attention you gave her. Have you told her not to contact you? That might help but she might ignore it. You can block the email address, block the phone number and block the text.

Explain about the "threatening". Do you think she will she go bunny boiler on you?


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Stop replying and block her email. It's not hard. 

Every time you reply, even one word replies, you are drawing her back in with hope. All she needs is any response from you, and it's like resetting the timer on your NC. 

Just put a stop to it.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jdesey said:


> OK finally after this crazy two year relationship I am done with my ex fiancé. I've cut off communication but she continues to email me on a daily basis. Do any of you guys have experience with this? Is it cool for me to not respond like I am? Should I just give little short responses like OK, that's great.
> She's reaching out sometimes it's extremely negative stuff and even threatening me. And then sometimes reaching out if she had some good news for herself. I'm guessing she's reaching out because she misses the attention she used to get from me?
> 
> What do you guys recommend? No reply whatsoever go stone cold silent or maybe a little response here and there but nothing more


Create a rule that sends any and all e-mail that she sends to you straight to the bit bucket.


----------



## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

It depends on why you left her. I'm not familiar with your story, but cutting people off like that is cruel, and not right.

If she's threatening to kill you, or is abusive, or something like that, then it would be justified. But if your just done with the relationship, you need to communicate that to her, and tell her why.


----------



## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

No I haven't responded. I guess I feel guilty. I've been the one who would send messages and get no reply during a previous breakup and it hurt really bad. 

But it is her that said to never contact her again. So it's really her than the shade of the no contact. But she hasn't stuck to it for even one day 

Ok. I'll stick to nc. I've been putting out a lot of effort online dating sites and hope that getting on some dates will alleviate this as well
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

jdesey said:


> No I haven't responded. I guess I feel guilty. I've been the one who would send messages and get no reply during a previous breakup and it hurt really bad.
> 
> But it is her that said to never contact her again. So it's really her than the shade of the no contact. But she hasn't stuck to it for even one day
> 
> ...


If you know how much it hurts, then don't do it to her.

Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you.


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

As they say, silence is deafening.

OP, silence stops any and all drama and will eventually sink in that you aren't coming back. Every time you respond you give her hope.



rockon said:


> If you are truly done with her, go dark, no contact. First block her on your e-mail.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yep, no contact. Not even a leave me alone. Only way to deal with this.
Anything else will cause more harm than good. It's rare that one can be "friends" after this, and one shouldn't even if it were possible.
As said, any response just gives her hope that she's breaking down your shell. 

Stay low.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Going Dark?

Does this mean going black? Total absorption of all that is light, even light heartedness?

Black is the absence of color and is the color of mourning. It has associations with evil, witches and magic.

Go White. 

Wall yourself off from the She that has no value. Go no contact [NC].

Quench the "Three Fires" Ploy that She utilizes to reconstitute Yours and Her Amour.

Excise the tax-ing wench. Ex-sponge your drinking cup back to its original glistening luster. Re-boot your hard-driving resolve and start anew.

Any questions? Have her call 1 (800) IAM-DONE, as per your post's title. 

Tank woo too!


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

As I pointed out in my reply to this same question in the Ladies' Lounge, she may just not know that this breakup is for real this time. You two - both of you - have a history of assorted drama-seeking behavior. You've broken up before and gotten back together. More than once. She may think this time is like those and that it's not really over. 

If you're serious about this breakup, let her know it's over and tell her not to contact you again. Then ignore and/or block her communications.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

What do you mean by she is threatening you?


----------



## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

So hopefully the breakup was civil and handled with tact. If she continued contact, one (and only one) response telling her that it was over and that it was best for you both to move on would have been good. After that total silence. Any contact at all only encouraged her to keep trying. That said, the threatening thing isn't cool. That's the stuff you read about and it might not end well. If she has emotional issues you could be in a situation where there is no good way to handle it. If you talk to her it encourages her to continue and if you don't talk to her it makes her feel like she must continue until you do talk to her. This is what meds are for. You might want to start documenting her assertions. The next step would be a police report to make it official record.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> She's reaching out sometimes it's extremely negative stuff and even threatening me. And then sometimes reaching out if she had some good news for herself. I'm guessing she's reaching out because she misses the attention she used to get from me?


Jdesey, as I discussed in my 12/28/15 post in your earlier thread, the push-away/pull-back behavior you describe is one of the hallmarks of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I agreed with @*john117*, who had told you that you seemed to be describing some of the classic warning signs for BPD. If your Ex is a BPDer (i.e., if she exhibits strong and persistent BPD symptoms), it is not surprising that she alternates between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing or hating you). BPDers have anger that is so easily triggered that they can flip between Jekyll and Hyde in less than a minute.

It therefore is common for a BPDer to verbally abuse and threaten -- and then flip back to wanting her partner to return a few days later. This is why one of the best selling BPD books is titled _I Hate You, Don't Leave Me!_



> Is it cool for me to not respond like I am?


Yes, if it is possible to cut off all contact. You are doing the right thing.



> Do any of you guys have experience with this? What do you guys recommend?


As I did last December, I recommend you take a quick look at my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join John and the other respondents in discussing them with you. If she is a BPDer, it is important to learn the warning signs so you avoid taking her back -- or running into the arms of another woman just like her.


----------



## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Auto reply with a block....

Dear ex,

This is not healthy or helpful for you in moving on with your life and future relationships.

I wish you the best.

<insert number for local crisis line> <--- Maybe. Maybe I'm just a [email protected]@ss.


----------

