# Jealousy - how do you let go?



## brenda (Jun 27, 2008)

I have been with my hubby for 5 years. The first year of our relationship was very strange. I was a single mom of two, and I was only seeing him after hours (when I didn't have my kids). When we would spend time together we were usually drinking, socializing, and spending a lot of time with his friends. He was very flirty with his friends girlfriends, and a little to close to the single girls that would hang out (slapping butts, looking a little too long, etc) He had a pretty colourful relationship previous me, an anything goes kind of relationship. I wasn't too concerned about his behavior the first 6 months, but once we started having feelings for one another, I broke up with him due to his behavior. He talked me into taking him back, and he made a huge turn around in the way he had been acting.

Fast forward 2 years into our relationship ........ we work at the same place (this is where we met), and a female coworker (who is both of our friend) is telling me lies, and trying to make it sound like my hubby is in to her. I tell my hubby about the things I'm being told, and he says none of it is true, however; continues to be good friends with this woman. I tell him how upset it makes me that he would continue a friendship with someone who is trying to sabotage our relationship, and he says he understands (after we argue for 5 months about her) and he stops being friends with her.

Fast forward to last year ........ we are now married, and I just had a baby and I am off on mat leave. I start getting phone calls for my old workplace, my hubby is now eating lunch with her again, he sits beside her in their work stations (his choice) he is back to being great friends with her.

I know that this all sounds like no big deal, and I don't really having anything to feel jealous about, so why can't I just let go of my anger??? I was never a jealous person before I met my husband. I hate the way I think, feel, and I'm sure that he hates the way I make him feel sometimes.

HELP ME GET PAST MY STUPID FEELINGS


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

brenda said:


> He had a pretty colourful relationship previous me, an anything goes kind of relationship.


can i guess??? workplace love. was he in a relationship when you "met" him??? i'm not accusing, but it would explain your feelings a little.


brenda said:


> HELP ME GET PAST MY STUPID FEELINGS


your subconcious knows something your concious doesn't want you to believe. he could do it again. in that case, they aren't necessarily unjustified feelings. but regardless, you will have to deal with them. "put a lie" to your feelings. remind yourself that he is "with" you, if he wanted to be with someone else, he would be. until that happens, it hasn't happened. and always give what you feel you should get. you know you're probably overthinking things.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

brenda said:


> HELP ME GET PAST MY STUPID FEELINGS


I dont think you should get past these feelings, nor do i think they are stupid. I would pretty ticked off if my H agreed not to talk to a women who was clearly interested in him, and then behind my back started hanging out with her. I'd be ticked and wouldnt be afraid to let him know it.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

My question is do you trust your husband?

I am a flirt, and I had women tell me they would love to steal me and I do flirt with them. 

But I have zero interest in cheating on my wife or being with these other women.

I basically just take it as small talk and as a compliment.

After all it makes me feel good that women think I am good looking, even being maried for 12 years and a father of 3.

I even hear my "soccer moms" I coach 2 youth soccer teams make comments about me at the fields while I am coaching their daughters.

I find it funny and will even flirt back.

My wife knows she is the only one for me, I have zero interest in going anywhere.

Guys also flirt heavily with my wife as well, I am used to it, she is a good looking woman, I take it as a compliment when I see men check my wife out or comment.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

brenda said:


> I tell him how upset it makes me that he would continue a friendship with someone who is trying to sabotage our relationship, and he says he understands (after we argue for 5 months about her) and he stops being friends with her.
> 
> Fast forward to last year ........ we are now married, and I just had a baby and I am off on mat leave. I start getting phone calls for my old workplace, my hubby is now eating lunch with her again, he sits beside her in their work stations (his choice) he is back to being great friends with her.


I don't think it sounds like 'no big deal'. He acknowledged that he understood she was not good for your relationship and ended the friendship. I would imagine out of respect for you and your relationship.

Now that you are married and have a child together, he took it upon himself to re-establish a friendship with her knowing this would not sit well with you. To me, he is disregarding your feelings & I can totally understand that this would make you feel disrespected & hurt.

I don't think getting upset and fighting with him about it will solve anything for either of you, in fact it may push him away. On the other hand, if it were me, I would have a quiet talk with him and tell him how I felt...'Hearing that you are friends with xyz again really makes me feel hurt because when you ended it you seemed to agree that she was not good for our relationship so now that you restarted it I feel as if my feelings come second to your friendship with her.'


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## brenda (Jun 27, 2008)

We were both single when we hooked up, I had been on my own for 10 months, and had been alone for 5 months. This is NOT a situation that started while we were in other relationships. 

I have spoke to him in a quiet calm manner about my feelings, but it always turns into s huge battle, and the resolution is him agreeing with me in the end to shut me up (at least this is what I see)

I have a hard time with trust, he was a real moran at the beginning of our relationship, and this co-worker situation didn't help matters. He has never "cheated" just heavy flirting, smacking butts, being playful, once he let some chick hold his pe*** while he was peeing ...... that was when I finally broke things off. 

He has stopped the flirting, we hardly do anything social anymore (married with children), and I don't enjoy being around his friends anymore, so I just don't go, but I push him to do guy weekends (4 wheeling, ice fishing etc.)

I need to stop feeling like a victim. He has really done anything wrong, but for some reason I get crazy when asks to go for drinks after work, or if he wants to watch porn, or if he comments on how pretty another girl is. I have never been a jealous person, and I hate having negative feelings. I need to get over my thoughts but don't know how.

Usually I would tell my friends that they need to fully address the issue and get some closure in order to move on, however; we start talking, then the conversation gets heated, and we end up agreeing with each other to stop the conversation


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

brenda said:


> I need to stop feeling like a victim. He has really done anything wrong, but for some reason I get crazy when asks to go for drinks after work, or if he wants to watch porn, or if he comments on how pretty another girl is. I have never been a jealous person, and I hate having negative feelings. I need to get over my thoughts but don't know how.


I agree that you have to stop feeling like the victim. im working on that myself. its really hard to do. For me i've stopped looking to him to validate my physical appearance and make me feel good. ive started taking really good care of myself and i get a lot of compliments. so i dont really need him to tell me anymore.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

holding the peepee is not a friends job, or a co-workers...LOL

Simply put you needed to move ona nd you did, you're right he is a moron.

you are no victim, just not an idiot, so move on and find a better man, plenty of them out there.


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## brenda (Jun 27, 2008)

I don't think leaving my husband and ripping apart my family is the answer. I was hoping for some insight from someone who has moved past jealousy, on how you do it??

I LOVE my husband, and I do NOT want to leave. I need to learn how to handle my jealous feelings. 

BTW ....... my husband just got fired, I guess the coworker is no longer an issue (I guess that's my silver lining)


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

> He has never "cheated" just heavy flirting, smacking butts, being playful, once he let some chick hold his pe*** while he was peeing ...... that was when I finally broke things off.


That is not just harmless flirting. That is crossing the line big time. I think when people flirt by saying some little remarks and all that, it's just little bit of fun but slapping someones butt...That's going little bit over board and letting another woman hold his privates.....What the hell is that about??? You are NOT over reacting. That's just wrong.
And I believe if people are doing something behind their partners backs, no matter how innecent it is, they have something else in their minds down the road. Why else would they hide things? And they know it's wrong or they wouldn't be hiding it. Am I right or am I right?


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

y'know, in my first post, i suggested that if the scenario wasn't one where he was with somebody and cheated with you, then you were probably overthinking things. that, i believe, is what you're doing.

having said that, it doesn't help your jealousy. jealousy is indicated in a lot of self-esteem workshops. i'm not going to tell you that your self-esteem or self worth is low, but maybe a session or two with a "qualified" counselor (!!!) might help you realize the answer. the more confidence you have, the less jealousy you have, as it turns out. jealousy is a poisonous little ******.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Brenda, I ahd a girlfriend in HS that was Nympho...found out she was pretty much screwing everyone under the sun while I dated her....Made me feel like trash, an idiot, Guliable, a moron...Etc Killed my self esteem.

I was alone for a long time, did not trust women, etc.

I worked very hard on myself to get over my jealousy. When I met my wife, it was EXTREMELY hard to trust her in the beginning, not becuase of who she was, but due to my past with my old girlfriend. Plus my wife and I went to schools in different states (college) I had no choice to be "loose" I couldn't sit there and constantly worry about what she was doing, what sority party she was at or which fraternity party she was at. Was she hooking up? etc. I would visit her every so often, her friends would tell me good things about her, nothing negative.

I had to "learn" to trust her, that she gave me zero reason to not trust her, it was MY issue, I had to break it, I sat and thought deep.

Do you drive your car constantly thinking your tire is going to blow out? Do you fly in a plane hoping it will not crash the whole time? Are you afraid a Metor will fall fromt eh sky and crush your house? I put these all together as a constant worry state, which would have surely killed me, as it is doing to Confused1 in another thread on the general discussion board.

I HAD to get over it, not for my wife/girlfriend's sake, but for my own, if I am ever to Truly love and truly love someone I had to get past my Jealousy, I ahd to beat it.

I did, after constant work, open talk with my girlfriend, we talked about my history, her history, what we were doing everyday, etc. 

She never veered off path, nor did I, the trust was built through communication. We laid a solid foundation and built upon it.

I understand you want to fix your marriage, but does he? Why did he get fired? hopefully no lawsuits come pending against his actions.

Is he willing to get counseling? You have a right to be mad or angry, he should not be touching any co-workers bodies, except for a "sorry for ...." type of hug. No butt slapping, no nothing. Completely unacceptable and unprofessional.

Tell him to grow up and act like a husband not a frat boy. That is if he wants to keep you.

you have every right to be mad and jealous, you are not the issue, HE IS.


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