# I pushed my husband away - I couldn't stand his touch



## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

I am married for almost 8 years. Me and my husband just clicked. We had a fabulous sex life. I love sex. 

Suddenly one day I couldn't stand his touch, his kiss etc, not to mention the other activities. I was ashamed with myself as a woman, I was ashamed to talk to a psychotherapist, I made myself sick and I even saw myself unattractive.

No amount of looking in the mirror, counseling, thinking, guys that found me very attractive, helped.
I couldn't for the file of me understand why So my husband was supportive, I loved him and I was in love with him, he is handsome, good in bed no issues here. 
So after few days of talking with you guys on this forum I just had an "Ëvrika" moment. I realized few things: I still desire my husband, he jokingly told me no to some sexual requests in the past, my subconscious stored those NO's and at a certain time shut my body down completely. 
My husband did not insisted, did not give me a little push so we stayed like this. 
Today of all days, after he is hurt and wants a divorce exactly for this reason I understood that I wanted some things from him and I was to ashamed to ask because of those No's in the past. 
I had some needs and I couldn't realize I had them. 
What do I do? I hurt him, myself and wasted all this time.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Have you told him all of this? It's another situation where communication early on would have avoided a lot of trauma later. I liken these types of issues to getting a splinter in your finger. You can either address the fact that you have a splinter and take care of it right away. Or you ignore it and hope it goes away on it's own. What happens if you don't address the splinter right away? It festers into a serious infection. If left untreated, you may be removing a part of your finger. 

Communicate! Hopefully there is still time to fix things.


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Have you told him all of this? It's another situation where communication early on would have avoided a lot of trauma later. I liken these types of issues to getting a splinter in your finger. You can either address the fact that you have a splinter and take care of it right away. Or you ignore it and hope it goes away on it's own. What happens if you don't address the splinter right away? It festers into a serious infection. If left untreated, you may be removing a part of your finger.
> 
> Communicate! Hopefully there is still time to fix things.


Ok. I want to. Remember he already told me know to little things like sex in the car. How can I start? I am ashamed and scared to say the words. If what I say makes him think differently of me? Is just I don't have any ideea how to do it And he is already mad at me for not having sex.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Communicate. Share with him what you have shared here.

If that is uncomfortable, maybe just try surprising him with a booty call, in a manner of speaking. Catch him at a time when you know he'd likely be up for some sexy fun and be the instigator, see how he responds?


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

cdbaker said:


> Communicate. Share with him what you have shared here.
> 
> If that is uncomfortable, maybe just try surprising him with a booty call, in a manner of speaking. Catch him at a time when you know he'd likely be up for some sexy fun and be the instigator, see how he responds?


Let me tell you a little story: first time I've denied him sex he jokingly pushed me on the couch and said something like "baby I want you so much you will not deny me". So this was him taking initiative and being rough. I want all those things, I am stuck because one of the things I want is him taking the initiative, I mostly do not like being the dominant in bed. 
Right now we do need to talk. He is in Spain working and I will go there in few months. He is hurt, he needs me, he loves and hates me in the same time, he wants to hurt me (emotionally) and what do I say to him: baby can you do that in bed? because I am so twisted and sick and I want my own personal Christian Gray I hate myself for what I am feeling.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

What do you want him to do to you in bed??? I haven't read 50 shades, so I'm kinda in the dark. All I know is you want some S&M and bondage games.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

It doesn't seem you have anything to lose by telling him the truth. If he wants a divorce at this point anyway.

Christian Grey is a fictional character written by a woman. I think many women would be comfortable having a man that could read their minds. Never having to ask for anything, never needing to explain our needs.

That's not how it works in the real world. In the real world you need to say the words and you need to compromise. And yes, sometimes you get rejected. It happens in almost every marriage.


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> What do you want him to do to you in bed??? I haven't read 50 shades, so I'm kinda in the dark. All I know is you want some S&M and bondage games.


Well not that controlling but close. 
Touch me in public places, use other locations than the bed or bedroom like the kitchen counter or the car or a restaurant bath, tie me up so I can't touch him and I am forced just to feel, I suggested to him what I would like to do to him when he comes through the door tired after a day's work and he said that he feels sweaty and dirty and turned me down (not understanding that was a turn on for me) although I tried to show him. Sometimes I just want a hard f....without all the vanilla stuff. Strangely is that he used to do some of this things. Then he started letting me take charge and I hate it. 
And yes he can use some tools from time to time. He kept saying it and never done it 
I hope it does not sound sick


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Edgya,
You are not sick. To want an enjoyable and open sex life is normal. Communication is important here. I know it must be hard with him traveling. I hope this works out for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Sick? No, of course not. My wife and I have had sex outdoors, in cars parked in secluded places, she's stroked me under an afghan while sitting in the same room with her dad among other fun things... if you have kids, you are probably "living the dream" by having to sneak around to do the deed while the kids are about...


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

the only thing sick is your unwillingness to communicate your deepest desires to your husband,so much as to even say you hated his touch. and then be mad that he couldn't read your mind.


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> the only thing sick is your unwillingness to communicate your deepest desires to your husband,so much as to even say you hated his touch. and then be mad that he couldn't read your mind.


Remember I had no idea I felt that way. At that time I felt I wanted to run away. My mind was playing tricks on me. This is due to a very complicated family dynamics when I was a teenager. 
I've just discovered this yesterday after several conversations when he reproached me exactly this (we didn't have sex) and several hours of therapy. Human mind works in a funny way - we think the cortex makes all the decision when the subconscient is behind most of them 
And besides, right now that I know (I just have two days since I've discovered this), I need to tell him, however he refused in the past (more than one time) when I just asked for small things. He was like some other time babe. And some other time never came, I truly was ok but my subconscious was not and in time, with stress and everything it made me shut down completely.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

edgya1234 said:


> Well not that controlling but close.
> Touch me in public places, use other locations than the bed or bedroom like the kitchen counter or the car or a restaurant bath, tie me up so I can't touch him and I am forced just to feel, I suggested to him what I would like to do to him when he comes through the door tired after a day's work and he said that he feels sweaty and dirty and turned me down (not understanding that was a turn on for me) although I tried to show him. Sometimes I just want a hard f....without all the vanilla stuff. Strangely is that he used to do some of this things. Then he started letting me take charge and I hate it.
> And yes he can use some tools from time to time. He kept saying it and never done it
> I hope it does not sound sick



Oh damn. I can line up in an hour a hundred men who would write off their retirement benefits for a girl who actually wants what you want.

*Only if you could overcome this hitch – jumping over some communication gaps and evening out some ego-dents, you and your husband will have an alternative career* (if you want it).


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

edgya1234 said:


> Remember I had no idea I felt that way. At that time I felt I wanted to run away. My mind was playing tricks on me. This is due to a very complicated family dynamics when I was a teenager.
> I've just discovered this yesterday after several conversations when he reproached me exactly this (we didn't have sex) and several hours of therapy. Human mind works in a funny way - we think the cortex makes all the decision when the subconscient is behind most of them
> And besides, right now that I know (I just have two days since I've discovered this), I need to tell him, however he refused in the past (more than one time) when I just asked for small things. He was like some other time babe. And some other time never came, I truly was ok but my subconscious was not and in time, with stress and everything it made me shut down completely.


Fair enough. so now its time to be totaly honest with him. something along the line of honey I love you and think your sexy but you seem to not care about some of the things I crave sexually. Lets get back on track and explore eachother with open and unashamed comunication about sex so we can take our love making to the next level.

and then ask him what he would like to add to your repetiore.If he act evasive push him with love and humor try to pull it out of him and then say what you would like to add try to keep it light and fun.But realise that some people are just selfish or ignorant or just sexually conservitive and then you have to decide if you want a life time of lazy sex or if its a deal breaker.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

I have at times felt this way towatds my wife. She never (never ever) initiates so I have no idea if she wan
ts sex. so I dont make advances. which makes me resentful. whoch causes tension. vicious circle
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

soulseer said:


> I have at times felt this way towatds my wife. She never (never ever) initiates so I have no idea if she wan
> ts sex. so I dont make advances. which makes me resentful. whoch causes tension. vicious circle
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well soulseer my advice to you would be the following:
- start a nice talk, tell her something sweet and sexy all women want to hear, prepare her a drink, give her a glass of nice wine, a foot rub and start from there. 
Usually a woman that wants something will touch you more - like innocent touches (your hair or something), will look into your eyes with that I'm little dizzy look, will smile more, will laugh funny. 
Hope it helps I did initiated sex a lot but deep down I think I want my man to be in charge and let me take charge when I feel like it.


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> Fair enough. so now its time to be totaly honest with him. something along the line of honey I love you and think your sexy but you seem to not care about some of the things I crave sexually. Lets get back on track and explore eachother with open and unashamed comunication about sex so we can take our love making to the next level.
> 
> and then ask him what he would like to add to your repetiore.If he act evasive push him with love and humor try to pull it out of him and then say what you would like to add try to keep it light and fun.But realise that some people are just selfish or ignorant or just sexually conservitive and then you have to decide if you want a life time of lazy sex or if its a deal breaker.


Right now, if he still wants me, he will be on board with anything. The kinkier the better If not...well that's life.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

edgya1234 said:


> Well soulseer my advice to you would be the following:
> - start a nice talk, tell her something sweet and sexy all women want to hear, prepare her a drink, give her a glass of nice wine, a foot rub and start from there.
> Usually a woman that wants something will touch you more - like innocent touches (your hair or something), will look into your eyes with that I'm little dizzy look, will smile more, will laugh funny.
> Hope it helps I did initiated sex a lot but deep down I think I want my man to be in charge and let me take charge when I feel like it.


Thats sweet of you. Thanks for the gesture.

I have tried it all. The only time sex happens is if I initiate. Since me initiating is the only reason we have sex my desire for her has fallen away. Even men want to be wanted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

soulseer said:


> Thats sweet of you. Thanks for the gesture.
> 
> I have tried it all. The only time sex happens is if I initiate. Since me initiating is the only reason we have sex my desire for her has fallen away. Even men want to be wanted.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


SoulSeeker, Does she ever deny?

I dated a woman in college who was like this. Drove me pretty much insane because she wouldn't EVER initiate. 

Turns out it was two issues.
1) She was terrified that I would reject her (Like that would happen)
2) Worse , she got it in her head that I would think she was a **** for wanting sex 

She could not break this habit with me. However, if I hinted in the slightest bit that I was interested, she would never deny me . She would be even more turned on if I just grabbed her and took her - be sopping wet and open to anything (anal, bondage, spanking, telling me how she was going to drain my balls and make it so I would only shoot dust from cumming so much, etc).

Perhaps you can step back and shift your paradigm. 

My GF showed her interest in basically always excitedly accepting any advance and turning completely into a ****ty little minx (so hot).

Does your wife do that for you?


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

snerg said:


> SoulSeeker, Does she ever deny?
> 
> I dated a woman in college who was like this. Drove me pretty much insane because she wouldn't EVER initiate.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your interest. I must admit to being mildly surprised at 'being spoken to here. It's not my topic and I apologise to the OP for appearing to hijack it. 

She has denied me in the past yes. Enough for me to be aware enough of the dynamic to only initiate when its 'a sure thing'. 

No we dont have dust cumming sex.

Which leads to thoughts of whether she actually wants sex or is just duty sexing me. It should not be something that one has to consider.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

double post deleted


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

snerg said:


> SoulSeeker, Does she ever deny?
> 
> I dated a woman in college who was like this. Drove me pretty much insane because she wouldn't EVER initiate.
> 
> ...


Well snerg I wish you would speak spanish You could teach my husband one or two tricks


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

soulseer said:


> Thank you for your interest. I must admit to being mildly surprised at 'being spoken to here. It's not my topic and I apologise to the OP for appearing to hijack it.
> 
> She has denied me in the past yes. Enough for me to be aware enough of the dynamic to only initiate when its 'a sure thing'.
> 
> ...


Don't worry soulseer. We are all here to share, talk not to judge. No need to apologize


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

soulseer said:


> Thats sweet of you. Thanks for the gesture.
> 
> I have tried it all. The only time sex happens is if I initiate. Since me initiating is the only reason we have sex my desire for her has fallen away. Even men want to be wanted.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Uff, I'm sorry Maybe you can speak to her. Get some therapy together. See where it is going.


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

I am going to drop several news on my husband on the following days: why I had a low sex drive for so long and what we can do to improve that. 
On the bright site I found out that men still find me very attractive even if my husband told me that I can dress as a nurse (which for me is not very appealing - I would find a much interesting outfit 

And no I did not cheat on my husband I just went out for drinks and some clubbing. He does the same so ... no biggy. 

On the brighter side I am starting to love myself more so maybe it will rub off


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

My husband just called me an hour ago. I've talk to him and after the initial shock he told me he still thinks sex in the car is not an option because people can see us and I will freak out. He was like discussing what kind of things he will do or won't do with me and guess what he said he should go to counseling. 
We discussed normally than he remembered he should go bat crazy again. 
That sex should be his way or no way. 
That I can live in the flat with him but he does not want to be with me. And I was OK you don't want me, are not attracted to me why do you keep calling me and keep saying these things to me? And he was like...a good question.
He started to find justifications that I was the bad one because: I wanted to go to a master, I wanted to do strange things in bed, I ask him for money when I didn't have a job and I needed help....
He admitted that he wasn't supposed to upset me when I was depressed (three weeks ago) but he still did it bringing the divorce up. That he cares about me and bla, bla. That he does not know if he want to be with me or is still attracted to me. 
I was jokingly telling him - it is your loss baby if you don't want to be with me and he started shouting that he will not cry after me, that he does what he wants.
So all this time I was thinking I show up and guys are falling all over and here I am crying my eyes out for this guy who is calling me to tell me all those hurtful things?? I never call him but he keeps calling me in order to do what? to ruin my Easter week?
Is like I swear, he gets off hurting me. 
He kept going until I said no more and I told him to please don't call me if he just wants to hurt me because I can't take it anymore and hang up.
So God help me I care about him, I want to be with him but I've told him that nobody is going to force him and he can do what he wants. I can't keep this up. Any week is the same, he calls me to say all those hurtful things. What for? I can't keep up with his ups and downs anymore. It hurts the hell out of me but I need to keep positive.
I hope he will came back to his senses but is a very long shot. I don't know. It hurts like hell hearing him telling me all those things. I still love him but....
I really appreciate you guys being here and trowing a helping hand. I feel so lost...


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

edgya1234 said:


> My husband just called me an hour ago. I've talk to him and after the initial shock he told me he still thinks sex in the car is not an option because people can see us and I will freak out. He was like discussing what kind of things he will do or won't do with me and guess what he said he should go to counseling.
> We discussed normally than he remembered he should go bat crazy again.
> That sex should be his way or no way.
> That I can live in the flat with him but he does not want to be with me. And I was OK you don't want me, are not attracted to me why do you keep calling me and keep saying these things to me? And he was like...a good question.
> ...


sounds like a deal breaker to me. brush off the dirt and move on you guys don't sound like a very good match.


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

Maybe we are the worst match, maybe we are the best. I went through times when I forgot about what I wanted and I stopped focusing on me and as a result I blamed who...the person closest to me.
Calmer and in a better place now I look back and yes some things I could have changed, some things we could have changed etc. 
If in few months when I'll go to Spain the new me can still find a connection to him and we can still be together , in a better place there is, well all good if not life goes on and I have so many things to do 
Thank you though guys for all the answers. I have to admit that talking or in this case writing about things helped and I feel a tone better, more like myself


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