# Thinking about divorce



## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

My wife is very destructive. She comes from an abusive family and has typical abuse-victim behavior. I think she subconsciously seeks out abusive men and yearns for their attention. She cheated on me last year and the whole thing ended up sick and twisted.

Thanks to this forum, I'm realizing that she will not get better. I have the feeling she will cheat again and continue her abuse against me. So I think it IS time to leave. However, I dont know where to start. I have the tendency to slip into denial, that everything will be better, and feel comfortable where I am. I dont want to stir up the dust by getting a divorce but I think for my sake I need to. 

*My fears: *
We have a 2 year old, he can talk and is very aware when a parent is not home. 

She seeks out bad men, men I dont want anywhere near my child. She has told me before during a bad fight once that she would make sure I never see our son again.

We have a nice house, i have all my things, my projects and so on, here. I wont have anywhere to put them. She has thrown out my things before and doesnt have any remorse about that.

Another fear is that I'm unemployed. I just graduated college and have been looking for work for months! My wife is making it hard for me to get a night job because she wants me to stay home with her after work. During the day I watch our son.

*-Where do I start?-*
A lawyer? How does that work? 
I've already started collecting things to use against her in court if it comes to defending my visitation rights. One of those things is a suicide not from that she wrote and left for me to find.

Another thing is on record at the police station. She attacked me one night, punched me in the face, and threatened me with a hammer. I called the ambulance when she threatened to kill herself and got a knife and tried to pathetically slit her wrists in front of me.The police showed up before the ambulance and took her away for hitting me (california has a zero tolerance law). Ambulance showed up soon after and they took her away because she had marks on her wrists. So instead of being arrested, she was "5150". Police took pictures of my bruises and cuts.

 help?


----------



## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

Hey there....so here's the deal with the lawyers from my experience. You will want to ask around and find out if any are recommended, or specifically not recommended. If you have the time to go to the court house and sit, you may get to see them in action in other cases. Make several appointments, and yes, they will charge anywhere from $50-$200 just to meet for a consultation. You may get lucky and find a few free. Settle on one who you get a long with, and is confident about handling your case. Make sure they have a fair amount of experience in family law. Have a list of questions and concerns to address with them. Ask for references, and check them. Having a good lawyer is well worth the money. Don't go it alone unless you can get her to agree to the terms that you want. But don't be unrealistic with your expectations....any good lawyer will tell you to be ready to compromise, especially on some of the minor unimportant issues. 

Some will charge a set fee, and that is it whether it takes more or less time than expected, others will charge by the hour with a set starting fee. I personally feel that lawyers who charge by the hour, and document their hours well, with the estimated fee as the starting retainer, work harder for you. My husband and I both hired lawyers. His was unexperienced, and charged a flat $3000 fee. Mine tracked his hours well, offering a refund of any unused funds, and estimated the divorce costing $3000 so that is what I paid him to start the case (although he was willing to except half to get started). My lawyer was quite attentive, and did mainly whatever I wanted, but was very good about pointing out the law, and what a judge will usually agree on or not. My husbands lawyer was slow to return calls, and was overall uncooperative in getting things done. He also forgot to file some necessary papers with the court, resulting in a reaming from the judge. Had we gone to trial, I am confident that I would of had the upper hand if for no other reason than I had a better lawyer. 

By the way...just with her suicide note, attempted suicide, and assault on you, I would say you have a good chance of getting custody of your son. And if she is really that unstable, you should fight for custody of him. Being a single dad is hard, but no harder than being a single mom, and it sounds as though you have your head screwed on straighter.


----------



## div2wice (Sep 18, 2008)

She sounds a lot more than destructive. I would bet anything she is BiPolar...the risky sexual activity/cheating, abuse towards you, suicidal, etc. 
Thing is, when BiPolar's are unstable they aren't likely to see they need help, nor will they seek it.
First off, I would NOT leave your son with her while you work nights. I know you need a job, but if she is BiPolar and manic, your child may not be safe. Its up to you whether or not to divorce, you may not need a lawyer with the way she's acting.
Either way, I would continue to gather the evidence/proof...anything you can do to help your custody case.


----------



## justean (May 28, 2008)

either way you wil end up more a wreck u keep this up. she is a control freak. complete nutter. i got out of an abusive relationship. it doesnt change. best thing i ever did, i'd take the child and ask for family to help if possible and take a job. 
your both at risk from her and atleast u have proof of her abuse.

it actually gets worse , even though its worse now.


----------



## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

justean said:


> either way you wil end up more a wreck u keep this up. she is a control freak. complete nutter. i got out of an abusive relationship. it doesnt change. best thing i ever did, i'd take the child and ask for family to help if possible and take a job.
> your both at risk from her and atleast u have proof of her abuse.
> 
> _it actually gets worse , even though its worse now_.


Oh god, that last sentence just gave me chills.


----------



## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Tim,,

If what your'e saying it true, then she doesn't have any business having custody of your 2 year old.

Get a job as soon as you can, even if it's not the one you truly want, take it, and wait till something better comes along. Dont' worry about your things or projects, you can put them in storage for a time until you get a house. 

Get a lawyer.... keep the evidence you've collected. Divorce , and seek full custody of the child. That is what I would do.

She isn't stable enough to be the child's full time caretaker.... at least that's my take on it.

sorry you're having to deal with this. She sounds like she might need some professional help.


----------



## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Thank you.
I have found a wealth of info online about dealing with spouses with personality disorder. I just really regret having anything to do with this woman now. I hate that she is the mother of our son but I can't change that now. I just hope she will be a good mother to him after all this and play fair with me as his father. This sucks because I have a lot to worry about here. I have to worry about what is best for our child and at the same time I need to worry about myself. 

After I started this thread, I discovered what she has and its called Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD). Its horrible, and her symptoms match up completely. If anyone here is curious, just search it. Worst thing is, its very hard to treat because they draw the psychologist into their web. Giving HPD's attention is part of the problem!

Funny thing is, she's been to counselors already, and she went through 3 of them already. The last one, according to her, thought she should be a comedian. This was my wife's favorite counselor. I noticed these sessions turned into an opportunity to socialize. 

Finally, after many months, this counselor called my wife and canceled all the appointments and told her that she was not equipped to help her. My wife tried putting a guilt trip on her but she didnt take it.

I'm starting the divorce process by emotional detachment. At the same time, I'm clearing out my things slowly. I know there are some things I will have to part with, like my fish (55 gallon tank, beautiful tropical fish I worked so hard to establish), my clothes and maybe my car. Other than that, the rest will be sold and or packed up and put in storage elsewhere.

I will get a job, and save up for a lawyer.


----------



## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Tim, it's hard to give up animals, even fish... you've worked hard to build an aquarium and a life for your fish.

Is there a family member, or a friend, perhpas that could keep the aquarium in their house/garage, so that you could tend to them over there? And then when you've got a house or apartment, you could bring them home? I know a salt water aquarium is very hard to maintain. heck, even a fresh water one is hard. we have one fish, and he gives us heck! lol... we love him though... he's already almost 4 years old!

I wish you luck. update us if you can.


----------



## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Well...I think I've come to grips that I have lost the aquarium. I tell myself that it is the least of my worries....and it is. My health has declined dramatically. I'm sick all the time, I have skin rash that is 'stress related', i'm about 20lbs overweight and that has been going up and down 10lbs every month. 

Splitting up has to be all at once with her. She can't be suspicious before then or she'll find ways to sabotage it and manipulate me financially, through our child and through my personal things (including important documents). Her disorder hits full force when she suspects she is losing me. I found out about HPD recently but it doesnt mean I dont have a memory...i remember all the times she went HPD on me. It all makes so much sense now! :scratchhead:

She's already got me on a short leash because I'm not acting the same, I'm not putting up with a lot of her antics and I don't respond to her exaggerated emotions. Tim isn't even my real name. I had to make a fake email just to join here!


----------



## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

I'm sorry. I feel for you. Please update us as you go along, and look for support here. 

don't know if you're a religious person. But anytime you find you can't stand anymore ,you can kneel....


----------



## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

well a lot has happened, including my wife wanting a divorce which I agreed, to her cornering me and yelling and trying to get a rise out of me, to her calling her psychologist and pulling that childish stuff with me; i felt like she was tattling on me or something. Finally the counselor asked me if I wanted to go to couple's counseling, I said I had no problem with that, never did! The counselor then scolded my wife saying that she knows 200 women that would love a husband that did that.

So whatever. I've done that counseling thing before with her and the counselor is just so mechanical about it all and treats me like I'm just a typical man that makes a relationship take a dive. The psych will lecture me and my wife will sob and just agree with it all when it just doesn't apply. Nothing is fixed and I walk away feeling like it was all just some superficial act on her part.

Anyways, I'm bringing a journal entry I wrote six months ago after one of her episodes. I'm keeping it in my pocket. I probably wont read it but it helps knowing its there.

I have a feeling I'm going to suffer some retaliation tonight for not letting the session steer away from the real issues. Who knows, I'll probably get kicked out and have much of my things missing when I return for them....and I dont even want to think about what my son is going to go through but I have to.

...i'll stay in touch


----------



## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

*Couple's Counseling*

It went well actually. This counselor i have to say is much more professional than the others I've experienced. 

I'm going to try to keep it short, cause there's no point in making it long like I do. My wife brought up my suspicions of her having Histrionic Personality Disorder, and I was scolded for doing that, and I should refrain from doing that anymore. I said ok, I have no problem talking about specifics instead.

I'm very glad I was there because this session would have just been superficial if I hadnt. My wife would not have been able to bring up the core issues, I did. I wrote them down before we walked in, all the things that bothered me and never sat right with me. I didnt have to pull any piece of paper out, I just remembered all of it and it went very well.

My wife just sobbed and sobbed. Finally the doctor DID bring up HPD and she explained to my wife what it was and that she "was _presenting_ Histrionics". 
I asked what that meant.
She said she has a client that was molested as a child and she
presented Bipolar....but it didnt mean she WAS bipolar.

This all came up after the doctor realized my wife was abused when she was little.

I think this is a nice way of her telling my wife she is HPD without scaring the **** out of her (because she is scared of the implications). 

Anyways, in a way I feel vindicated. 
Doctor's order are to "be boring" for a week, and then see her again. We cannot talk to eachother very much, and just keep our house clean and take care of our kid. Then resume the discussions "in a safe place" which is with her.

After I got home I went for a run. :smthumbup: It felt so good to listen to music and to be free out in the town, running.... I feel so good right now :yay: Been a long time since I felt this way.


----------



## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

I left today. I found out she cheated 3 years ago on one of her girl's night out. So that makes two times now that I know of.

I'm tired of all the lies and the excuses. 

Now I need to test the paternity of my son  As much as that hurts me! I have to do it! I dont know what I'm giong to do if he's not mine. Poor little guy  I love him so much.


----------



## justean (May 28, 2008)

tim, what i have found with you, is your just very mixed up and your finding it hard to put things into perspective and in any order.
yes all of this is natural, emotions high and low and your not exactly in a place of liking yourself because of what she has done.

but my opinion - for whats its worth. ok some women are like that, some are not. #
but regardless i think in many relationships, both parties are to blame , not necessarily one.

you can and wil find peace one day. just give it time .


----------



## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

you'll still love your son, even if he's not biologically yours. Dad's are not made by DNA alone, they are made by what's in their hearts, and how they care for and raise their kids. I hope it turns out he's yours though, so that you dont' have to deal with the hurt that comes with finding out your child is not really your biological child.


you have to forgive your wife, not for her.... but for yourself. forgiving her is the only way you'll set your anger free, and find peace in your own life again. It's hard to do, but with forgiveness comes total freedom and openness... it doesn't even mean, saying to her, or yourself that what she's done is okay... forgiveness is not about excusing, or forgetting... it's about you finding the place in your heart, that says , I know she did something to hurt me, but I choose to forgive her, and let that anger and pain go, because it causes Me to feel badly. Don't let what she's done have any control over your heart. Dump it, the anger, the pain... let it go, set it free. that will happen once you've forgiven her. 

do this for You, not for her....


----------



## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

justean: I hear you, but what is frustrating is that I used to be the 'nice' guy. I was the understanding one, and the one there for her, and she walked all over that. I think I need to learn some self respect because if I had an ounce of that, I would have never married her and I would have been well on my way a long time ago! So yes, my fault was putting up with bull****. If there's anything to blame, its me not drawing a line much much sooner.

Marina72: Yes I agree, dad's are not made by DNA alone. I do need to know but it wont change the way I see my son. He is mine. The DNA thing is only for my personal validation. If it comes out I'm not his real papi, then it tells me how much of a real liar she is. If it comes out positive, I think I will jump for joy like the day he was born. Either way I am taking full responsibility for him, something she can't do.

Update from today:
I could hardly go through with the counseling session today. The counselor was really annoyed at me because I think I was having a nervous breakdown or something. She said I was 'hysterical' and I agreed after having that honest feedback. Now I'm getting my own counselor to deal with my anger issues and my issues of betrayal. 

Also, I found out today my wife might be charged for the domestic violence incident from last June. I was told the police department slipped up and did not submit the report to the DA until February. I had to seek out legal advice and I was told that she might get probation and no jail time. I really hope she doesnt go to jail because I dont want to see the mother of our child in prison and have a record like that. I dont think that will do any good.


----------



## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Update:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...ion/5061-heading-into-divorce-seperation.html
Getting a divorce...and yea can you guess? More twists and turns! AMAZING! I need to write a book


----------

