# Custody what is best?



## Muggle (Dec 23, 2015)

Wife and I are beginning a separation. We still talk and get along but have fallen out of love a long time ago. She has asked for a post-nup now because splitting up can go bad when emotions get involved. Basically we are only deciding on splitting the finances and custody. I have no problem with the financial side, we both agree on that.

But she also wants me to sign over custody if or when we split. Our kids (three kids are in elementary school) would definitely live with her (she really is an amazing mother) but she want the ability to make decisions without having to constantly go to me. This discussion has nothing to do with how much time the spend with either parent.

Giving sole custody to the mother of my children. Should I be okay with this or are there real pitfalls if I agree to sole custody?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I would not do this. She can be primary, but not sole!!!


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Does sole custody means giving up your parental rights? If so, then, NO. Do not give sole custody. Like STR said, she can be the primary parent. 

You giving up your rights to kids means you will have no say legally for you kids. She can take them anywhere, out of state, out of the country, medical. You would have no say. Is that what you want?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I would NOT do SOLE custody for my children. She should have to go to you for important decision (medical, school issues, etc). I would not want out of the important decisions of my children.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

There's a difference between legal custody and physical custody. You can split them each up how you like. Joint legal custody means you two agree on medical/education/religious events in their lives. Sole legal custody means on of you make the decisions. So you can have 50-50 physical custody (like one week on, one week off) without legal custody. If you are likely to split the physical time with the kids, I wouldn't recommend giving her sole legal custody, primarily for health related issues. When they are with you and they need a doctor, and heaven forbid some emergency care, you need the joint legal custody for the kids' benefit. Otherwise you would be required to track her down.

If this is all by agreement, you can specify what ever areas she would have control over, and what would be shared, without ever designating who has primary legal custody.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Do not give her full custody. Any legal or medical decision would be solely up to her and your opinion will not matter. Also, if she were to move far away, your opinion wouldn't matter as well. I would give her primary, which means that the kids live with her, under her immediate care, etc. Do not give her sole!


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## MommaGx3 (Jan 12, 2016)

I'd say for sure to talk to an attorney. My first husband and I divorced amicably, no lawyers. We did an online divorce document and agreed to 50/50 legal and physical custody. No child support. It worked out fine until a couple of years ago, the kids living with me full-time. We finally did an amendment that I would have primary custody. You actually can have an amicable divorce, but from what I understand that is the rarity. I wouldn't go so far as to grant full custody. You do still need to be a part of the children's lives. What about if she falls in love with someone two years from now that lives in another state? With full-custody what she an do is much greater than with partial. And, you can always amend the divorce decree later, especially once the children are older and can provide input. I would recommend not granting full-custody right now. You can list that she has primary custody because her home is their primary residence. You can even write in an amendment that for day-to-day care options... like can the children go out of town for a camping event, can they sign up for soccer, can they switch doctor's... all those can be handled by the mother at her discretion. Big things like moving residence, moving school districts, getting body piercings, having elective surgery, getting orthodontia... etc... those you retain some rights.

Good luck! 

As always, this is just my personal opinion I'm sharing.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Muggle said:


> But she also wants me to sign over custody if or when we split. Our kids (three kids are in elementary school) would definitely live with her (she really is an amazing mother) but she want the ability to make decisions without having to constantly go to me. This discussion has nothing to do with how much time the spend with either parent.
> 
> Giving sole custody to the mother of my children. Should I be okay with this or are there real pitfalls if I agree to sole custody?


Do you still want to be the kids' father? Help decide important things in their lives? Be part of influencing their values and education?

Giving sole custody to their mother would basically relegate you to a kind of uncle or grandfather role in their life. You might still be family and you might still see them frequently, but you would have no decision-making power over their religion, their education, their health, their activities, whether they move to New Zealand, etc.

Joint custody is really only about the major stuff. Choice of schools, religious activities, major health decisions. If you still talk and get along, that's not a problem to accomplish. Your ex would not have to constantly consult with you on minor stuff.

I think she sounds like she's trying to manipulate you into giving her sole, and the only ulterior motive for such a thing would be to slowly diminish your role in the children's lives.

Put a stop to that.

Parents who want to hand over the role of raising the children to the other parent disgust me. Why would you not want equal custody time and equal decision control?

Sole custody is really for situations where one parent is clearly abusive, neglectful, or otherwise not a responsible person.


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

Muggle said:


> Wife and I are beginning a separation. We still talk and get along but have fallen out of love a long time ago. She has asked for a post-nup now because splitting up can go bad when emotions get involved. Basically we are only deciding on splitting the finances and custody. I have no problem with the financial side, we both agree on that.
> 
> But she also wants me to sign over custody if or when we split. Our kids (three kids are in elementary school) would definitely live with her (she really is an amazing mother) but she want the ability to make decisions without having to constantly go to me. This discussion has nothing to do with how much time the spend with either parent.
> 
> Giving sole custody to the mother of my children. Should I be okay with this or are there real pitfalls if I agree to sole custody?


NO!!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Um, sorry but no way would I agree to or suggest anyone agrees to this.

What is her motivation to even ask? 

This would not even be possible in an amicable divorce in my country (Oz). Sole legal custody is not something that happens here except under exceptional circumstances.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Muggle said:


> Wife and I are beginning a separation. We still talk and get along but have fallen out of love a long time ago. She has asked for a post-nup now because splitting up can go bad when emotions get involved. Basically we are only deciding on splitting the finances and custody. I have no problem with the financial side, we both agree on that.
> 
> But she also wants me to sign over custody if or when we split. Our kids (three kids are in elementary school) would definitely live with her (she really is an amazing mother) but she want the ability to make decisions without having to constantly go to me. This discussion has nothing to do with how much time the spend with either parent.
> 
> Giving sole custody to the mother of my children. Should I be okay with this or are there real pitfalls if I agree to sole custody?


*Sole custody to her, without some say-so on your part, would be asinine! And from a purely emotional standpoint, I doubt that any self-respecting family court jurist would ever sign off on that!

As a loving and nurturing father, you should settle for absolutely nothing less than joint managing custody and conservatorship!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Muggle said:


> Giving sole custody to the mother of my children. Should I be okay with this or are there real pitfalls if I agree to sole custody?


Do not go for this. It means she could move them out of state and you would have no say. It would also be looked at unfavorably in court. Like you were trying to abandon your kids and the judge could be more aggressive on child support. 

Better to get joint legal custody with her having primary physical custody. Visitation should be clearly spelled out. Most states have some specific verbiage that allows you to both be very flexible on the reality of visitation. But there should be a base default that takes priority if you both can't come to agreement. 

You can easily agree to her decisions on child rearing without giving her the legal rights to not consult with you at all. Protect yourself.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Acoa said:


> Do not go for this. It means she could move them out of state and you would have no say. It would also be looked at unfavorably in court. Like you were trying to abandon your kids and the judge could be more aggressive on child support.
> 
> Better to get joint legal custody with her having primary physical custody. Visitation should be clearly spelled out. Most states have some specific verbiage that allows you to both be very flexible on the reality of visitation. But there should be a base default that takes priority if you both can't come to agreement.
> 
> You can easily agree to her decisions on child rearing without giving her the legal rights to not consult with you at all. *Protect yourself*.


and your kids.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Don't forget that giving sole custody doesn't get you off the hook for financial costs for the kids. So let's say she decided to send them to private school, or send them on a school trip out of the country, or do something else that was expensive that you wouldn't agree to...well, you'd be on the hook for your share of the bill and couldn't do anything to stop it.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

People here are assuming you want your kids.

You said you fell out of love a long time ago. Does this mean you've moved on, another person, etc?

I think it's reprehensible to dump your kids but if you are chasing a new life, I'm not saying you are, you better understand what you want.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If she has sole legal and physical custody, she could refuse to allow you to see your children.

You need to talk to a lawyer about how to write it up so that you have joint legal and physical custody with something as close to 50/50 time with the children for each of you.

Also get a stipulation that never of you can move the children out of your local area without the written permission of the other.

There also need be rules such as, if either of you are taking the children for a vacation or trip outside of your local area, they have to give the other parent written notice 2 weeks in advance and provide the address where the children will be staying and a phone number for contact with the children.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Is there some reason, some profound reason, that you don't wish to share equally in raising your children? Some reason you don't wish to have an equal amount of time with them? To nurture and guide them? I mean, that was your original plan. Was it not?

I would accept nothing less than 50/50 overnights and the you shouldn't either.


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