# Cloak And Dagger 4.0



## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

OK, be gentle with me.....today I am doing it, before the weekend, for anyone familiar with the C & D threads.....my H's side of the story, from the Men's Clubhouse:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-c...-i-may-have-ruined-everything.html#post607148


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Lost, not sure what you mean. From your threads I am thinking D.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I didn't realize that was your H. STILL doesn't explain the nuked hard drive. 

So what are you doing today?


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> I didn't realize that was your H. STILL doesn't explain the nuked hard drive.
> 
> So what are you doing today?


Just posting the other side is what I am doing today, hoping for some kind of insight before we "talk" this weekend.

His explanation for nuking the hard drive remains the same. I guess it was his equivalent of extreme no contact. Someone on another thread said it was symbolic and in a movie somewhere.

As it stands he is doing everything on my list for R. Being better about everything. But... I guess this is the part they talk about, where in R the BS starts to think, "If you could have fixed all this before, why didn't you?!"

Hope I am not looking for problems. Hanging on to the emotional freedom like all get out! Still seeking clarity and opinions to keep me clear.

Thanks in advance.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Lost, not sure what you mean. From your threads I am thinking D.


No, we are in R. Just posting his side in his words. Feeling better and emotionally strong---only because I get my terms for R. Just didn't see as much response in his thread. Hoping I am not missing something major.

TAM has been a life saver for me. Don't want to be one of the posters who comes back in 6 mos and says it all blew up.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> No, we are in R. Just posting his side in his words. Feeling better and emotionally strong---only because I get my terms for R. Just didn't see as much response in his thread. Hoping I am not missing something major.
> 
> TAM has been a life saver for me. Don't want to be one of the posters who comes back in 6 mos and says it all blew up.


None of us can predict the future. Too many stories that go South like Numb-bager's. We live by faith when we are in R. For me I made the decision to D if needed and am fine with that if that becomes necessary. R is working but being where we are stinks to high heaven.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> None of us can predict the future. Too many stories that go South like Numb-bager's. We live by faith when we are in R. For me I made the decision to D if needed and am fine with that if that becomes necessary. R is working but being where we are stinks to high heaven.


I agree with you, I had to have a solid separation paperwork done before I could talk about requirements for R. I needed to be OK with it as an eventual outcome. Just being able to have the talk about how we would separate, who would move, etc. was essential for me. I needed him to understand----

It is really hard though, I know he is killing himself to convince me, to make things right, but I just am so reticent in my heart still. Good Luck Thor.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> I just am so reticent in my heart still.


Is reconciliation what you really want?


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> Is reconciliation what you really want?


Yes. I want to see him strong and healthy again. I want to be strong and healthy again. Even if our marriage has to end. I love him that much. 

Wait, is that R or D?!

Good Lord.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Yes. I want to see him strong and healthy again. I want to be strong and healthy again. Even if our marriage has to end. I love him that much.
> 
> Wait, is that R or D?!
> 
> Good Lord.


It's a good answer. It's commitment to the right outcome, whichever it may be.

You do realize that you can't be responsible for his happiness. For him to be "strong and healthy again" he has to want to be and do what he needs to be that. Just as you must do the same for you.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

rock said:


> Yea, that thread by him wasn't the best. It seemed like in his version he really had a lot of issues with you.
> 
> I also do not think his story about the porn sites seemed sincere. Just sayin'


Yeah, me neither. And I told him so--after more stonewalling I finally said, "I don't care what you did while you were there, you broke your fidelity by even BEING THERE. Can't use the porn excuse, because if that's all it was, you could have just watched a video. I don't care anymore if you come clean with me because you will have to come clean with the IC you are going to start seeing if you even want to talk about R."

He said OK, I didn't think he would. So I am waiting to see how it all goes.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> It's a good answer. It's commitment to the right outcome, whichever it may be.
> 
> You do realize that you can't be responsible for his happiness. For him to be "strong and healthy again" he has to want to be and do what he needs to be that. Just as you must do the same for you.


See, I need to remember things like this always. Each of us really has to want to heal. I know I do. I hope he does.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I just reread through his thread. He is sounding very "woe is me." I get the vibe that he has given up. He needs to own his body and mind just like he needs to own his acts of disloyalty. I think his nuking of the hard drive was pure drama. He sounds very confused and down on himself. I also get the feeling that he is ashamed that he can't please you sexually anymore and that is why he turned to online sex. Like he isn't good for anything more. BTW, none of this is criticism directed toward you at all. I just think he's slowly chipping away at his own self esteem. That's just my interpretation.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> I just reread through his thread. He is sounding very "woe is me." I get the vibe that he has given up. He needs to own his body and mind just like he needs to own his acts of disloyalty. I think his nuking of the hard drive was pure drama. He sounds very confused and down on himself. I also get the feeling that he is ashamed that he can't please you sexually anymore and that is why he turned to online sex. Like he isn't good for anything more. BTW, none of this is criticism directed toward you at all. I just think he's slowly chipping away at his own self esteem. That's just my interpretation.


Thanks B... I know I feel a lot of the same things you are saying. I know there is truth there---in your words. We are both musicians who met when we were much younger, and we have both dealt with big time physical problems in the last few years that shut us both down. First my problems were dominant, now his.

I just really want things to be OK. And I am not really sure how to do it. I would never betray him. My health went down when we lost our baby a few years ago. I am sure I was also depressed. Then his spinal problems surfaced, and I have been trying to take care of him ever since. He's never really had a time in his life when he was "weak".

I just was shocked, because I thought he was finally getting better. 

I welcome honesty. I am not afraid of the truth, so thank you.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Thanks B... I know I feel a lot of the same things you are saying. I know there is truth there---in your words. We are both musicians who met when we were much younger, and we have both dealt with big time physical problems in the last few years that shut us both down. First my problems were dominant, now his.
> 
> I just really want things to be OK. And I am not really sure how to do it. I would never betray him. My health went down when we lost our baby a few years ago. I am sure I was also depressed. Then his spinal problems surfaced, and I have been trying to take care of him ever since. He's never really had a time in his life when he was "weak".
> 
> ...


Has your husband ever gone to counseling? If not I think now would be a great time to start. It's actually normal to experience depression after surgery or any major health crisis. But unless he gets treatment it will linger and get much worse.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> I just reread through his thread. He is sounding very "woe is me." I get the vibe that he has given up. He needs to own his body and mind just like he needs to own his acts of disloyalty. I think his nuking of the hard drive was pure drama. He sounds very confused and down on himself. I also get the feeling that he is ashamed that he can't please you sexually anymore and that is why he turned to online sex. Like he isn't good for anything more. BTW, none of this is criticism directed toward you at all. I just think he's slowly chipping away at his own self esteem. That's just my interpretation.


I just reread this---Great response B. I wish he would get more answers like this on his thread, its the only one he reads.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Has your husband ever gone to counseling? If not I think now would be a great time to start. It's actually normal to experience depression after surgery or any major health crisis. But unless he gets treatment it will linger and get much worse.


No he hasn't before, but now is supposed to be going.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> I just reread this---Great response B. I wish he would get more answers like this on his thread, its the only one he reads.


Actually he has received very similar comments which is why I didn't post anything in his thread. His problems seems simple but the solutions can be complicated. It's not going to get any better until he decides to fix his issues. And that is something only he can do for himself.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> No he hasn't before, but now is supposed to be going.


Good. It will help him but he has to actively participate in his own therapy. Encourage him as much as you can. Point out little bits of progress no matter how small. You can't do it for him but you can help him to help himself.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Actually he has received very similar comments which is why I didn't post anything in his thread. His problems seems simple but the solutions can be complicated. It's not going to get any better until he decides to fix his issues. And that is something only he can do for himself.


Thanks B. I need to write this on the bathroom mirror where I will see it every morning, til it burns into my psyche.


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