# can someone here help?



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I posted this in the Men's Lounge but I don't seem to be getting any feedback. Maybe someone here has been in a similar situation:


We have been married for 5 years and together for 9 years. We have a 1 yr old child. We have had a very loving relationship, open communication and lots of trust between us. If there was a problem we always discussed it and dealt with it together. He had until recently a very stressful job from which he was let go(but with a very good severance package).

This past year was not easy for me. I found motherhood to be more challenging than I thought so I might have not been the nicest person to him sometimes. But I have never been disrespectful and we have really not had any major fights. I am doing better now with the mother hood part.

About a month ago I noticed a strange behavior from my husband. We went away to visit family and ever since coming back he now sleeps in a different bedroom and he would not talk to me when I asked him what the problem was, no hugs, kisses or “I love yous”. Interestingly enough, he would talk, laugh about other things with me, would talk about our child but he would not tell me what is bothering him. If someone from outside saw us, he/she would never think anything was wrong in our marriage. The other night he just said that things have not been going well for us for a while (I don’t know what for a while means to him) and I have not seen any indications of that until about a month ago. He said that he had lots of things on his mind and that he needed to be left alone. So ever since then, I left him alone. I act as If nothing is wrong even though inside my heart is breaking every minute of the day. I love him so much and I also consider him my best friend. I don’t want this marriage to end and my child grows up without the presence of one parent. I have gone with million scenarios in my head of what could be wrong and I even checked his emails sent to me from about a month ago. He would use terms of endearment, tell me that he loves me at the end of emails, hug and kiss when he would come from work.

As for the sex life, we have had none since I gave birth, but not because I did not want to. I tried to initiate it few times, but he would say he was tired and genuinely we were both tired at that time. I even told him once that I did not want that to affect our marriage. He said not to worry just to focus on our child for now. Before we had our child we had amazing sex life and we both enjoyed it very much. 

Even the thought of an affair went through my mind but I don’t really see any signs of that. I even checked his cell phone (I hate to do this) but nothing unusual there, nothing in his email (we have always had access to each other’s emails, at least I have nothing to hide), no unusual absences from home.

I am young, attractive, I pretty much lost all the pregnancy weight and I try to take care of myself us much as time permits. I stay at home to take care of the child, take care of the house, make sure there is a home cooked meal on the table every day, do most of the grocery shopping and many other things.

I really don’t know what to do.

Do I just give him the space and see what happens?

I even considered talking to two of his closer friends and see if he has said something to them. One is a male co worker to whom he is pretty close friend and the other one is a childhood female friend. I don’t know if this would be a good idea.
I thought maybe I should put on a piece of paper how I feel and maybe he will read it if he does not want to discuss it.

This whole thing feels like someone kidnapped the husband I knew and put an impostor in his place. All I want is my husband back and my marriage back on track.

I would appreciate your honest opinions.

Thanks


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

I think this is the perfect time to reconnect with yourself. Yes give him space and while you give it to him have fun by yourself. 

Take up a hobby, read books, watch movies, journal. . . you get the idea. If you can, leave him with the baby while you go to get your nails done or something. 

You are doing a great job faking a good attitude, but maybe if you did some things you enjoy you would genuinely feel like that all the time. And maybe if you become more like the fun girl he dated, he'll want to be more involved with your life.


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## lovinghimforever (Dec 14, 2009)

First of all, don't be so quick to blame yourself. Maybe he is just going through a little phase or something. Give him his space and concentrate on yourself and your child. Then set a mental date as to when to approach him if things do not change. Have a serious talk to try to figure out why he is acting this way and go from there.


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

A few thoughts about your tough and frustrating situation. 

If you haven't had sex in a year that's a major, major thing to your H. Possibly your body, with all of its hormones and the general exhaustion of having a young baby, hasn't noticed the strain as much. But his likely has and maybe he broke about a month ago. And now strangely, maybe he doesn't know how to initiate, how to get it back. Dare I say it... if he's sleeping in another room could he be taking care of himself? Maybe he's hooked on that.

Some men are even afraid of their wives a little after babies are born, due to the birthing experience, the thought of pregnancy again, the way the mom changes in his eyes. It's a complicated thing.

If a lot of things are changing around him (your family, his job, etc.) it could be that he feels a loss of control. Assure him of your love, that you're not going anywhere, that you still care for him in the same way. Guys needs a lot more reassurance and petting than we might think.

Sorry to be so blunt and maybe even harsh. It's not my intention! I feel your pain here and I know it's not easy being needed by your baby 24-7 and being needed by your husband too, with no support or love being reciprocated. Keep at it!!!!


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## Mittens (Jan 9, 2010)

Whenever something is obviously out of place, I firmly believe there is always a logical (okay - maybe not ALWAYS logical) explanation.
You had mentioned he was let go of a job, and the birth of your child. I would take these as very significant events.
Do you know if / have you considered your husband may be suffering from depression, or some other mental malady?
Does he have a new job / is it as stressful as the last if so?
If not, what does he do if you are a SAHM as well and both in the same space?
There are tons of explanations it could be, just surrounding being a new parent alone, or being let go of a job by itself.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Whatever it is we have always had open communication channel between us. But now he is shutting me out completely. He has been sleeping in a different bedroom for the last week or so, I just can't go on like this anymore. What do I do if I already tried to talk to him and he does not want to discuss it?

Do I sit down and write him a letter telling him how I feel?

Or do I maybe ask around some of his closer friends if he had said something to them?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Obviously something has changed between the two of you with the arrival of your child. Perhaps sit down and jot down how you and your husband interacted before you child was born. Then compare that to after your child was born. I suspect you are giving your child a lot of attention and he isn't used to that.

Furthermore, read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It could be that you have been busy with your baby and haven't been speaking your husband's "love language". And now he feels unloved and unappreciated. The book really does a great job explaining why a partner will withdraw from the relationship. But, more importantly, it explains how to get the person back. 

Hope things work out for you.


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## cherishedby1 (Jan 15, 2010)

I'd concure with 827AUG on her advice, and if I may, don't jump to blame or confront his friends for unknown info though it may be there. He probably needs your trust first and if you break that he may draw further away. I think he's more likely to share with you what is wrong in his opinion if he is assured that you just want to hear his heart and mind not exploit his failures, faults, insecurities, guilts, and all the other burdens he is carrying. Keep your relationship a safe place for him to express anything on his mind.


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