# Someone help me understand



## shesgone

Long story short....

Me and my current wife got married 20 months (1.5 years) ago. We have had an amazing marriage, never fought, never argued, never had a cross word until this big event. That was a breath of fresh air after the hell I went through in my last marriage and hers. We have both had huge custody battles since that time which are not at all related to our marriage together. 
Two weeks ago I go to her truck to get my debit card from her purse and I find a prescription bottle for Valtrex herpes medication. My heart sunk. I asked her about it and she had this elaborate story about it was for fever blisters. I brushed it off as her telling me the truth. A week later when I looked at the bottle again it was from her OBGYN, so I questioned her again about it. She said she had tested positive in 2014 for HSV2 but had never had any symptoms. At this point I am livid and ask for an explanation and why she didn't feel the need to tell me that she had herpes. Her reply was "I am sorry I was worried about your reaction". So I told her to pull up her medical records and send them to me at work the next day. She did as I asked, but she only sent me partial screenshots and omitted several lines of notes I later found out. At this point I am curious so I begin watching her actions and begin finding things to ask her about just to see if she will lie. She was injured at work last summer and has been off since then and all the doctors are saying nothing is capable of producing the pains she says she is having (so this concerns me as well because I have seen her do things that she wants and it not hurt her in the least, but is hurting too bad to cook or clean or sex sometimes). Everything I ask her about, Money, medicines, little unimportant things from her past that I knew about and asked her SHE LIES, no matter how insignificant it may be. She lied about all of it and even when presented with evidence that kills her arguments she even lied then. 


So, I have tried to forgive her for this but I am having a hard time trusting anything at all she says. I am depressed, angry (at myself for being lied to and not noticing), sad, and mad that she has done this to me. Any advice on how to handle this or get her to talk to me or should I just call it quits and end it now? I refuse to live in a bad marriage again and have my child who I have full custody of around this type of behavior of lying continuously.


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## sokillme

This is probably going to be painful for you to read, sorry. Seems like you married a phony. She probably is not at all the person you thought she was, but she was really good at hiding it. Sounds like she had an affair or at least affair partners. Hope you have been checked for an STD if not you should do so. 

You can't forgive her if you don't know the truth of what you are forgiving for. The fact that you want to forgive her before you know the truth probably speaks to why you are in this situation in the first place. The normal reaction is to be mad, not willing to just take it. This women is abusive and a liar, your priority should be to get yourself out of that situation, not save it at all cost. Even though it sucks and is painful. 

Over and over men and women who are willing to be abused, are. 

I'm sorry to be so blunt but you are going to suffer if you don't stand up for yourself. You must protect the innocent even if that is yourself. Talk to a lawyer, get the papers ready. Surprise her with them and tell her either she tells the truth or you are done or better yet, serve her and then ghost.


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## Girl_power

Wow what a terrible person your wife is. I don’t know how you can continue living with someone not knowing if they are telling the truth or not. My xhusband was a chronic liar as well and lied about the dumbing things and it really messed up my head.


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## TAMAT

I suspect the reason her last marriage ended may have something to do with her cheating on her last husband and that's where she got the herpes.

However since your W appears to be a skilled liar she rewrote history to make herself the victim. She may even have told the same stories you told to establish sympathy with you. 

It's early in the marriage, hope you have no children together, so divorce.

If you must stay married polygraph at a bare minimum.

Liars suck the life out of you some morning you might wake up to find out she has 100K + credit card debit or gambled everything she ever owned away or is on opioids.

Tamat


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## shesgone

I do not have it yet, went and got tested as soon as she told me the truth a week later. We haven't been married but a year and a half sokillme. i saw the positive test from 2014 that she showed me.


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## shesgone

TAMAT said:


> I suspect the reason her last marriage ended may have something to do with her cheating on her last husband and that's where she got the herpes.
> 
> However since your W appears to be a skilled liar she rewrote history to make herself the victim. She may even have told the same stories you told to establish sympathy with you.
> 
> It's early in the marriage, hope you have no children together, so divorce.
> 
> If you must stay married polygraph at a bare minimum.
> 
> Liars suck the life out of you some morning you might wake up to find out she has 100K + credit card debit or gambled everything she ever owned away or is on opioids.
> 
> Tamat



If she had been honest about it from the start, I could have dealt with it, but she put all of my feelings out the window and didn't tell me for almost 2 years. I was no angel when I was single, but I was responsible. 
Thats what I am afaid of with this whole pain thing. The bad part is I have spent $55k fighting for her not to lose her kid and won the battle because of me. Had i known all this I would have never spent that money. She was diagnosed during her previous marriage with Herpes according to my calculations, but she said the only thing she can figure is she caught it from him. That marriage only lasted 18-20 months as well, but I was fed a long sob story about why she divorced him, but I am wondering and actually thinking about calling him and finding out the true story. 
Now her first marriage did end because of physical abuse, I know that for certain.


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## personofinterest

If the physical abuse in her 1st marriage was severe and on going, it could explain some of her habitual lying. She may be habitually lying out of fear, even if that fear is unfounded with you. That said, it in no way justifies it. Part of healing and being ready to be married again is dealing with the demons that abuse can bring. And one of those demons is the lying she is exhibiting. It does her no favors to think that since her lying might be a symptom of abuse P TSD we should just coddle it. The best thing you can do from her if you are going to stay is to have very strict boundaries and hold her firmly but lovingly accountable for every single lie.

I'll be honest, I don't think I could stay. This is just too big and pervasive. But if you are going to stay, you have to be firm.


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## VibrantWings

Marrying you with a contagious condition and not bothering to tell you is more than a red flag...it's soooooo telling of how little concern she has for you. I would want anyone that I considered marrying to know everything about me....and then see if they still wanted to marry me. 
She says she isn't sure how she got it.....but _you_ will definitely be sure how you got it if you wind up testing positive. On top of that she keeps lying? Now YOU have to tell any future partners that you may have herpes. The gift that keeps on giving. 

When I read your first post, I was thinking maybe you needed to talk to her ex but your last post shows you cannot trust him or anything he says.

Your relationship but what else could happen if she gave you something worse than herpes? She's around your child? If she has no concern for your health or well-being, I doubt she cares that much for your child/children. 

Good luck


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## Robert22205

I'm sorry you found out you're married to a chronic liar. I'm not a psychologist but my understanding is that chronic liars suffer from low self esteem.
The lying and low self esteem is a slippery slope that leads to a life time of misery for you. 

You could encourage her to seek IC ... and see if she improves.

Meanwhile ....don't have any kids until you're certain you want to be with her long term.

btw: ask your doctor about your risk of catching herpes. Even condoms aren't 100% effective.


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## Elizabeth001

Standard HSV tests cannot detect a positive result until your body has had several months to build up immunities. You may or may not be negative and are playing with fire unless you plan on staying with her whereas it wouldn’t matter but that doesn’t sound like the case here. For what it’s worth, you can sue her should you turn up positive for nondisclosure unless you continue sexual relations after she told you. Condoms are NOT effective in protection from HSV. Most outbreak areas are not covered and it is spread by skin to skin contact. 

All that aside...she’s a liar. Who needs someone you can never trust in a serious relationship...especially where your child is concerned?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## m.t.t

Yes the lying is bad, but come on, she must have been cheating to get herpes!? Did you know most of the population that have been sexually active have the virus either 1 or 2. Hands up if you have a cold sore or fever blister if that's what you call them. Going down on someone with and having the cold sore virus even non-active can transfer that to your genitals. 

You don't always get symptoms, many people never do but you can pass it on. She has no way of knowing when she got it. You could also have it OP from a previous partner years ago. I had a partner with herpes, so I educated myself about it. Sex clinics do not do screens for it with normal testing as its so hard to detect, lots of false positives and negatives and you can not tell how long you have had it for. You can only swab and positively say yes if you are one of the few who get blisters.

Stop the hysteria it's not HIV. 

But yes she should have told you, but herpes has such a stigma, as seen here. You have all basically called her a loose woman who must have cheated. You are now looking at her with different eyes. Give her a hug and sit down and talk openly and stop looking for other faults.


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## EleGirl

You have been married to her for 20 months (1.5 years). How long did you date her before you married? Did you live together before you married?


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## GusPolinski

shesgone said:


> Long story short....
> 
> Me and my current wife got married 20 months (1.5 years) ago. We have had an amazing marriage, never fought, never argued, never had a cross word until this big event. That was a breath of fresh air after the hell I went through in my last marriage and hers. We have both had huge custody battles since that time which are not at all related to our marriage together.
> Two weeks ago I go to her truck to get my debit card from her purse and I find a prescription bottle for Valtrex herpes medication. My heart sunk. I asked her about it and she had this elaborate story about it was for fever blisters. I brushed it off as her telling me the truth. A week later when I looked at the bottle again it was from her OBGYN, so I questioned her again about it. She said she had tested positive in 2014 for HSV2 but had never had any symptoms. At this point I am livid and ask for an explanation and why she didn't feel the need to tell me that she had herpes. Her reply was "I am sorry I was worried about your reaction". So I told her to pull up her medical records and send them to me at work the next day. She did as I asked, but she only sent me partial screenshots and omitted several lines of notes I later found out. At this point I am curious so I begin watching her actions and begin finding things to ask her about just to see if she will lie. She was injured at work last summer and has been off since then and all the doctors are saying nothing is capable of producing the pains she says she is having (so this concerns me as well because I have seen her do things that she wants and it not hurt her in the least, but is hurting too bad to cook or clean or sex sometimes). Everything I ask her about, Money, medicines, little unimportant things from her past that I knew about and asked her SHE LIES, no matter how insignificant it may be. She lied about all of it and even when presented with evidence that kills her arguments she even lied then.
> 
> 
> So, I have tried to forgive her for this but I am having a hard time trusting anything at all she says. I am depressed, angry (at myself for being lied to and not noticing), sad, and mad that she has done this to me. Any advice on how to handle this or get her to talk to me or should I just call it quits and end it now? I refuse to live in a bad marriage again and have my child who I have full custody of around this type of behavior of lying continuously.


She’s lying.

File for divorce ASAP.


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## Chuck71

shesgone said:


> Long story short....
> 
> Me and my current wife got married 20 months (1.5 years) ago. We have had an amazing marriage, never fought, never argued, never had a cross word until this big event. That was a breath of fresh air after the hell I went through in my last marriage and hers. We have both had huge custody battles since that time which are not at all related to our marriage together.
> Two weeks ago I go to her truck to get my debit card from her purse and I find a prescription bottle for Valtrex herpes medication. My heart sunk. I asked her about it and she had this elaborate story about it was for fever blisters. I brushed it off as her telling me the truth. A week later when I looked at the bottle again it was from her OBGYN, so I questioned her again about it. She said she had tested positive in 2014 for HSV2 but had never had any symptoms. At this point I am livid and ask for an explanation and why she didn't feel the need to tell me that she had herpes. *Her reply was "I am sorry I was worried about your reaction"*. So I told her to pull up her medical records and send them to me at work the next day. She did as I asked, but she only sent me partial screenshots and omitted several lines of notes I later found out. At this point I am curious so I begin watching her actions and begin finding things to ask her about just to see if she will lie. She was injured at work last summer and has been off since then and all the doctors are saying nothing is capable of producing the pains she says she is having (so this concerns me as well because I have seen her do things that she wants and it not hurt her in the least, but is hurting too bad to cook or clean or sex sometimes). Everything I ask her about, Money, medicines, little unimportant things from her past that I knew about and asked her SHE LIES, no matter how insignificant it may be. She lied about all of it and even when presented with evidence that kills her arguments she even lied then.
> 
> 
> So, I have tried to forgive her for this but I am having a hard time trusting anything at all she says. I am depressed, angry (at myself for being lied to and not noticing), sad, and mad that she has done this to me. Any advice on how to handle this or get her to talk to me or should I just call it quits and end it now? I refuse to live in a bad marriage again and have my child who I have full custody of around this type of behavior of lying continuously.


Don't be worried about her reaction when you throw D papers on her. She is a proven liar.

You are only seeing the tip of the iceberg. Wait until you pull back and see the entire ice.

You can accept this and try to make the best of it or..... D her.


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## shesgone

EleGirl said:


> You have been married to her for 20 months (1.5 years). How long did you date her before you married? Did you live together before you married?


Let me get this cleared up. I could have dealt with the hsv from the start IF I HAD KNOWN and gotten through it together. This isn’t about that as I was planning on being with her forever. It’s that I cannot trust a word she says now especially after it took me digging and doing research to get her to tell me she had it and has had symptoms, which she still swears she never had full blown symptoms, something else that is hard to believe. My question is will she ever change? 

We dated for about 6 months. Yes she lived with me prior to. We had known each other for 15 years or so prior. I knew the circumstances of her first marriage and all about the abuse. I from the beginning told her and showed her she could tell me anything and I would support her for what she had been through. Then I find this out that she kept hidden from me since the beginning. I never once questioned her past, her motives, her love, or what she told me about anything because I trusted her. 
Everyone else I have not had it period. I know that because I got tested every 6 months during my prior marriage because we were in the swinger lifestyle. Yes I could have contracted it prior IF I didn’t know for a fact I hadn’t and was tested regularly. 
Her first husband I was friends with, her second husband I don’t know but as far as I know he was a good guy. I’m guessing she cheated during that marriage and contracted it then hence why he got mad and she left him out of guilt but she won’t say that or anything close. 

It just sucks all around.


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## shesgone

m.t.t said:


> Yes the lying is bad, but come on, she must have been cheating to get herpes!? Did you know most of the population that have been sexually active have the virus either 1 or 2. Hands up if you have a cold sore or fever blister if that's what you call them. Going down on someone with and having the cold sore virus even non-active can transfer that to your genitals.
> 
> 
> I have hsv1. Ive dealt with fever blisters my whole life. And the whole herpes thing I could get past if I had known and she was honest. It’s what else she is or has lied about at this point.
> 
> You don't always get symptoms, many people never do but you can pass it on. She has no way of knowing when she got it. You could also have it OP from a previous partner years ago. I had a partner with herpes, so I educated myself about it. Sex clinics do not do screens for it with normal testing as its so hard to detect, lots of false positives and negatives and you can not tell how long you have had it for. You can only swab and positively say yes if you are one of the few who get blisters.
> 
> Stop the hysteria it's not HIV.
> 
> But yes she should have told you, but herpes has such a stigma, as seen here. You have all basically called her a loose woman who must have cheated. You are now looking at her with different eyes. Give her a hug and sit down and talk openly and stop looking for other faults.


If it wasn’t for the other lies that I have caught her in easily since I found out about I could probably get over it. But as others have stated she didn’t care anymore for my feelings than to tell me lies for 2 years. If I had known it wouldn’t have bothered me. But if she will lie to me about that what else will she lie about or do to deceive me? I have and continue to tell her the complete truth about everything without fail, both good and bad. I have from the beginning. If I can’t get past this there is no need in me wasting either of ours time any longer. She is positive for hsv 1&2 so she has it. She even told me when I told her I was done that she had “felt the symptoms” 2 times and just “held out” on me why they disbursed. What kind of way is that to live? That is what I ask myself daily now.


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## shesgone

Elizabeth001 said:


> Standard HSV tests cannot detect a positive result until your body has had several months to build up immunities. You may or may not be negative and are playing with fire unless you plan on staying with her whereas it wouldn’t matter but that doesn’t sound like the case here. For what it’s worth, you can sue her should you turn up positive for nondisclosure unless you continue sexual relations after she told you. Condoms are NOT effective in protection from HSV. Most outbreak areas are not covered and it is spread by skin to skin contact.
> 
> All that aside...she’s a liar. Who needs someone you can never trust in a serious relationship...especially where your child is concerned?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


And that is where I am at in all of this. Its not the herpes its the lies associated with it and her refusal to tell me the truth even after asked repeatidly about it.


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## Yeswecan

shesgone said:


> Had i known all this I would have never spent that money.


Your W probably understood this and kept silent. You appear to have been duped.


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## TAMAT

BTW since she did not reveal this significant fact, disease, before you got married, you may be able to bypass divorce and get an Annulment.

Tamat


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## TAMAT

The reason you never fought is that your W is a liar, similar to a con man, a con man never talks out of turn and is very careful with what they say.

She already got 55K out of you, that would be a great score for any con man.

Tamat


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## shesgone

TAMAT said:


> The reason you never fought is that your W is a liar, similar to a con man, a con man never talks out of turn and is very careful with what they say.
> 
> She already got 55K out of you, that would be a great score for any con man.
> 
> Tamat


HA if that was all she got it wouldn't bother me.


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## 3Xnocharm

So here is the hard truth... LIARS DO NOT CHANGE. Period. Being with a chronic liar is absolutely life sucking. Its exhausting. They don't know any other way to be, because really, they seriously believe every rotten thing that comes out of their own mouths. You will never be able to trust them once you have them pegged. 

Divorce her. Run. Run far and fast.


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## shesgone

Update... SO i spoke with my attorney. He said I have nothing to worry about financially, she cannot attach herself to anything I have. ALso, if she doesn't agree to my terms if I decide to divorce, then she will more than likely face criminal charges, especially after lying about it several times, which are documented. 

I've talked to the wife and she is just begging me to forgive her and get back to what we have. I am just not sure I can do that after everything I have been through the past 4 years with my Ex wife and my custody battles.


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## Lostinthought61

She can beg all she wants but she has shown nothing but deceit how can you build on that.


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## BluesPower

shesgone said:


> Update... SO i spoke with my attorney. He said I have nothing to worry about financially, she cannot attach herself to anything I have. ALso, if she doesn't agree to my terms if I decide to divorce, then she will more than likely face criminal charges, especially after lying about it several times, which are documented.
> 
> I've talked to the wife and she is just begging me to forgive her and get back to what we have. I am just not sure I can do that after everything I have been through the past 4 years with my Ex wife and my custody battles.


You know, I don't usually go here. But you don't have to decide what to do this minute. You can take your time. 

While I agree with the others that she is just a liar, and more that likely cheated on both her husbands, you could take a minute and talk. 

Do you think she cheated on you, or will cheat? Do you think she will tell you the actually true about her other relationships? 

Do you think she would take a polygraph. And are you sure that she had it before and did not pick it up recently, meaning she cheated? 

Or is none of that worth the trouble. If I even started to think about taking her back, I would want the complete truth about everything, and follow that with a poly.


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## shesgone

BluesPower said:


> You know, I don't usually go here. But you don't have to decide what to do this minute. You can take your time.
> 
> While I agree with the others that she is just a liar, and more that likely cheated on both her husbands, you could take a minute and talk.
> 
> Do you think she cheated on you, or will cheat? Do you think she will tell you the actually true about her other relationships?
> 
> Do you think she would take a polygraph. And are you sure that she had it before and did not pick it up recently, meaning she cheated?
> 
> Or is none of that worth the trouble. If I even started to think about taking her back, I would want the complete truth about everything, and follow that with a poly.


Great points and I will answer your questions. I don't want to rush and make a decision out of anger, but I don't want to stick around if she lies one more time about the smallest thing. 

Looking back, Yes in the beginning before we moved in together I think she probably did cheat on me.
No she isn't going to take a polygraph, I wouldn't imagine. And no she isn't going to tell me the truth about the past 2 marriages. She wouldn't even tell me she had an STD for goodness sakes. 
I am 100% positive, I have seen the positive test from 2015, just looked at it again just a few minutes ago. 

Im at a point that I don't know if its worth the trouble or not to me. It is too damn early in our marriage to be dealing with BS that I divorced another woman for and explained everything to her about why we didn't work out.  

I guess its time to make up my mind and figure out what to do. I should have my latest HSV test back Friday and will know then. But I honestly don't know where to go from here other than serve her tell her to get out of my house, take what she brought and don't come back. SOmetimes I'm to nice for my own good and really want to believe the best in people.


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## Lostinthought61

wait wouldn't she take a polygraph if you make it a condition of staying with her...her answer will tell you right there and then if she has more to hide.


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## BluesPower

shesgone said:


> Great points and I will answer your questions. I don't want to rush and make a decision out of anger, but I don't want to stick around if she lies one more time about the smallest thing.
> 
> Looking back, Yes in the beginning before we moved in together I think she probably did cheat on me.
> No she isn't going to take a polygraph, I wouldn't imagine. And no she isn't going to tell me the truth about the past 2 marriages. She wouldn't even tell me she had an STD for goodness sakes.
> I am 100% positive, I have seen the positive test from 2015, just looked at it again just a few minutes ago.
> 
> Im at a point that I don't know if its worth the trouble or not to me. It is too damn early in our marriage to be dealing with BS that I divorced another woman for and explained everything to her about why we didn't work out.
> 
> I guess its time to make up my mind and figure out what to do. I should have my latest HSV test back Friday and will know then. But I honestly don't know where to go from here other than serve her tell her to get out of my house, take what she brought and don't come back. SOmetimes I'm to nice for my own good and really want to believe the best in people.


Well, if she has cheated, and if she won't come clean, then call it. 

File and move on. But you could ask her before you decide. 

But, listen, we both know nice guys finish last, so you need to stop it. I learned how to stop doing that and it is a great place to be...


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## shesgone

Lostinthought61 said:


> She can beg all she wants but she has shown nothing but deceit how can you build on that.


And THAT is where I am fighting with myself about. I want to believe she will change, although she hasn't said she would, she just said she was wrong for lying about it and that she isn't lying about the rest of the things that I caught her in. 

One of them is I found $300 in her purse brand new crisp $20 bills without even a fold in them. She says she has no clue where it came from, yet I had looked to see if she had money in there 3 days prior to get a drink at my kids ballgame becuase I had left my wallet at the house. It's $300, someone that doesn't carry cash knows where it came from without a doubt. I always have cash and I know where every penny came from. 
Another, I fix her lunch every day before work, she will text and say I enjoyed it, and I see a debit card for where she went to eat. WHY LIE ABOUT THAT? I don't care, its not like we are broke or anything. It's just stupid little lies, combined with this HUGE HERPES lie that Im struggling with.


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## shesgone

BluesPower said:


> Well, if she has cheated, and if she won't come clean, then call it.
> 
> File and move on. But you could ask her before you decide.
> 
> But, listen, we both know nice guys finish last, so you need to stop it. I learned how to stop doing that and it is a great place to be...


If she has I have no way to prove it at this point. So not even sure where to start there.
On top of that she denies ever cheating on anyone she has been in a relationship with, so OF COURSE she isn't goign to come clean if she did.


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## shesgone

Lostinthought61 said:


> wait wouldn't she take a polygraph if you make it a condition of staying with her...her answer will tell you right there and then if she has more to hide.


I mean I guess that would be a sure enough way to make my decision wouldn't it? Do this or get your stuff and go...:surprise:


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## Kamstel

Polygraph her butt!!!!


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## shesgone

Kamstel said:


> Polygraph her butt!!!!


SO has anyone here succesfully gotten useful information from a polygraph? 
I don't even know what all questions to have them ask about.


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## TAMAT

Considering she is a habitual liar there is no sense in a polygraph just divorce, were it a person with a real conscience then I would say yes polygraph.

Sorry about this, the small lies are not trivial, who was she at lunch with when she lied about it?

From what I've seen liars don't even think EA, emotional affairs, are cheating.

Tamat


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## TJW

shesgone said:


> I have tried to forgive her for this but I am having a hard time trusting anything at all she says.


I think, perhaps, you have an incorrect concept of forgiveness. Forgiveness means that we give up the "right" to "repay" the wrongdoing of another. It means we don't dwell upon the past action in our minds, and do not use it for a "weapon", "bargaining tool", etc.

It does not mean that we have to live as if nothing happened. Certainly not that we have to "trust" the person who has committed this wrong against us.

Your wife has given you valid reason to not trust what she tells you. You can allow yourself to forgive without restoration of trust. In fact, it is a good idea not to trust her, as the most reliable predictor of a person's future behavior is his/her relevant past behavior.


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## shesgone

TJW said:


> shesgone;196821I have tried to forgive her for this but I am having a hard time trusting anything at all she says. [/quote said:
> 
> 
> 
> I think, perhaps, you have an incorrect concept of forgiveness. Forgiveness means that we give up the "right" to "repay" the wrongdoing of another. It means we don't dwell upon the past action in our minds, and do not use it for a "weapon", "bargaining tool", etc.
> 
> It does not mean that we have to live as if nothing happened. Certainly not that we have to "trust" the person who has committed this wrong against us.
> 
> Your wife has given you valid reason to not trust what she tells you. You can allow yourself to forgive without restoration of trust. In fact, it is a good idea not to trust her, as the most reliable predictor of a person's future behavior is his/her relevant past behavior.
> 
> 
> 
> Excellent post. And I do agree. But if I don’t get closure from this I will never forgive her and if I can’t forgive her it’s not going to be good for either of us, so I may as well cut ties and move on with life. I don’t trust her not even a little bit and I still can’t forgive her because I still don’t know the entire truth of everything. I’ve been here before don’t this before, and it sucked. Last time I kept it bottled up for 15 years. This time I won’t.
Click to expand...


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## VibrantWings

Lol, the teller fairy just stuck $ 300 worth of twenties in her purse, It obviously came out of an ATM. 

She's not even a good liar. I hope you kept the money for yourself since she was clueless where it came from. I mean it couldn't possibly be hers since it just jumped into her purse. Crikey. 
How long have these stories been going on?


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## Kamstel

You will talk to the polygraph administrator beforehand and tell him/her what is going on. Ask him what you want to find out 

Questions might include....

1). Since dating Mr Right, have you had any sexual contact with another person?

2). Did you have herpes before you started dating Mr Right?

The administrator will help with the questions...


But don’t discount a confessionin the parking lot just before you walk In


----------



## EleGirl

shesgone said:


> SO has anyone here succesfully gotten useful information from a polygraph?
> I don't even know what all questions to have them ask about.


Generally they allow very few (5 or so) yes/no questions. And they are not all that reliable. I would not waste my money.


----------



## EleGirl

@shesgone

I'm not sure why you would even consider staying with her. She purposely lied about having a contagious disease. Her excuses for lying are just that, excuses.


----------



## Chuck71

shesgone said:


> Excellent post. And I do agree. But if I don’t get closure from this I will never forgive her and if I can’t forgive her it’s not going to be good for either of us, so I may as well cut ties and move on with life. I don’t trust her not even a little bit and I still can’t forgive her because I still don’t know the entire truth of everything. I’ve been here before don’t this before, and it sucked. Last time I kept it bottled up for 15 years. This time I won’t.


What's your gut tell you?

If you love without trust, it is a VERY unhealthy love. And quite often, if it is bad this early.....

it will only get worse.


----------



## shesgone

VibrantWings said:


> Lol, the teller fairy just stuck $ 300 worth of twenties in her purse, It obviously came out of an ATM.
> 
> She's not even a good liar. I hope you kept the money for yourself since she was clueless where it came from. I mean it couldn't possibly be hers since it just jumped into her purse. Crikey.
> How long have these stories been going on?


No telling how long it’s been actually going on. Looking back now it’s been since the beginning. But I notice every move now. Nothing adds up in what she says anymore. I talked to her ex bf yesterday and he said he noticed the lying as well. I also found out yesterday me and her were dating while she was with him, which I had no clue about.


----------



## shesgone

Chuck71 said:


> shesgone said:
> 
> 
> 
> Excellent post. And I do agree. But if I don’t get closure from this I will never forgive her and if I can’t forgive her it’s not going to be good for either of us, so I may as well cut ties and move on with life. I don’t trust her not even a little bit and I still can’t forgive her because I still don’t know the entire truth of everything. I’ve been here before don’t this before, and it sucked. Last time I kept it bottled up for 15 years. This time I won’t.
> 
> 
> 
> What's your gut tell you?
> 
> If you love without trust, it is a VERY unhealthy love. And quite often, if it is bad this early.....
> 
> it will only get worse.
Click to expand...

My gut tells me I should have opened my eyes sooner. Lmao. 
I’m usually a good judge of character this one just slipped in right under my nose.


----------



## Lostinthought61

shesgone said:


> My gut tells me I should have opened my eyes sooner. Lmao.
> I’m usually a good judge of character this one just slipped in right under my nose.



I don't think that was the head that was talking to you ;-)


----------



## BluesPower

shesgone said:


> No telling how long it’s been actually going on. Looking back now it’s been since the beginning. But I notice every move now. Nothing adds up in what she says anymore. I talked to her ex bf yesterday and he said he noticed the lying as well. I also found out yesterday me and her were dating while she was with him, which I had no clue about.


So she was cheating on you from the beginning. 

What that means is she saw you are a patsy that would pay her legal fees and so she latched on to you. 

Wow, that is just about as low as you can get. 

Well I guess you know what to do. 

No reason to put up with that for a second...


----------



## Bobby5000

Any reason you can't talk to the last two husbands and see what they had to say.


----------



## shesgone

BluesPower said:


> So she was cheating on you from the beginning.
> 
> What that means is she saw you are a patsy that would pay her legal fees and so she latched on to you.
> 
> Wow, that is just about as low as you can get.
> 
> Well I guess you know what to do.
> 
> No reason to put up with that for a second...


I don't know that for a fact, but looking back I can see things that don't add up. 
Remember though, I was in the middle of a 2 year custody battle, she was amazing to my daughter, so I was not paying as close attention as I should have been. When her ex found out we got married, my ex and her ex got together and tried all kinds of legal stuff that didn't' stick. I was awarded SOLE custody of my child and She retained sole custody of hers. 
If that is the case it is low indeed. I have no problem helping my loved ones but I do not appreciate being duped if that is the case, and I dang sure don't appreciate being lied to for almost 2 years about an STD and other matters no matter how big or small.


----------



## shesgone

Bobby5000 said:


> Any reason you can't talk to the last two husbands and see what they had to say.


I talked to her last BF yesterday. 
I am trying to get in touch with her second husband now, but am having no luck. 
If that doesn't reveal anything (which I think it will), I am going to call her first husband.


----------



## shesgone

VibrantWings said:


> Lol, the teller fairy just stuck $ 300 worth of twenties in her purse, It obviously came out of an ATM.
> 
> She's not even a good liar. I hope you kept the money for yourself since she was clueless where it came from. I mean it couldn't possibly be hers since it just jumped into her purse. Crikey.
> How long have these stories been going on?



It may have come out of an atm, but it didn't come out of any of our accounts or hers. There have been no withdrawals or checks cashed either. 
There is a $4k necklace I gave her for mothers day last year missing though, but police logging shows not transactions in her name in any pawn shops.


----------



## Chuck71

By all means D her.....if you still want to date her, cool. Just D her.... more lies than a rug factory....


----------



## shesgone

Another update on all of this. Last night we were outside talking. It got pretty heated, not shouting or anything, but I was trying to get her to see what she has done, why I don't trust anything that comes out of her mouth, that I have been lied to for the last time.... She continues to deny that any of it other than the herpes is a lie. SHe logged into my facebook at some time yesterday and read mine and her EX BF's conversation and got mad, even though there was nothing really negative in it at all. Started telling me I was cheating on her. I just don't get it. I don't see why every conversation we have gets flipped to it is ME that is and did something wrong. 

So one of her coworkers calls her and I drive my truck out to our lake to sit on the dock and think. I decided to walk back to the house and I listen to her conversation. Needless to say, I was livid when I heard all the things she said about me and the lies she told this girl. She told her that I was having an affair, and questioned every move she made..... Then the comment that made me madder than anything, she said "and when he asked me to marry him I was about to sign on my house" At that point I ended the conversation and said now tell her the truth about everything, she hung up on her. 

In a calm voice I said, "Ill tell you what you do.... you call your brother (who is a real estate agent) and tell him everything while you are looking for you a house tomorrow. since I burdened you by asking you to marry me, by all means get your stuff and get out of my house"
Then all the comments about you'd be happy if I died, blah blah blah started. I said thats pretty selfish since you have 2 kids and honesty would have gotten you out of any of this. I don't know if she doesnt understand why I am so mad and hurt and upset, or if she is just trying to see if I am calling her bluff and am about to file divorce papers and that is what she really wants.


----------



## BluesPower

shesgone said:


> Another update on all of this. Last night we were outside talking. It got pretty heated, not shouting or anything, but I was trying to get her to see what she has done, why I don't trust anything that comes out of her mouth, that I have been lied to for the last time.... She continues to deny that any of it other than the herpes is a lie. SHe logged into my facebook at some time yesterday and read mine and her EX BF's conversation and got mad, even though there was nothing really negative in it at all. Started telling me I was cheating on her. I just don't get it. I don't see why every conversation we have gets flipped to it is ME that is and did something wrong.
> 
> So one of her coworkers calls her and I drive my truck out to our lake to sit on the dock and think. I decided to walk back to the house and I listen to her conversation. Needless to say, I was livid when I heard all the things she said about me and the lies she told this girl. She told her that I was having an affair, and questioned every move she made..... Then the comment that made me madder than anything, she said "and when he asked me to marry him I was about to sign on my house" At that point I ended the conversation and said now tell her the truth about everything, she hung up on her.
> 
> In a calm voice I said, "Ill tell you what you do.... you call your brother (who is a real estate agent) and tell him everything while you are looking for you a house tomorrow. since I burdened you by asking you to marry me, by all means get your stuff and get out of my house"
> Then all the comments about you'd be happy if I died, blah blah blah started. I said thats pretty selfish since you have 2 kids and honesty would have gotten you out of any of this. I don't know if she doesnt understand why I am so mad and hurt and upset, or if she is just trying to see if I am calling her bluff and am about to file divorce papers and that is what she really wants.


Listen, she is either completely and totally nuts, or she has been playing you from the very start. 

Either way, you really have no choice. 

You are doing the right thing...


----------



## Robert22205

Run ...don't walk to the nearest exit!


----------



## Lostinthought61

when someone show you who they really are ...believe them.


----------



## Rob_1

@shesgone you said: "I don't know if she doesnt understand why I am so mad and hurt and upset, or if she is just trying to see if I am calling her bluff and am about to file divorce papers and that is what she really wants." 

It doesn't really matter at this stage if she's calling your bluff or not. What should really matters is that you should be filing right now.


----------



## Andy1001

shesgone said:


> Another update on all of this. Last night we were outside talking. It got pretty heated, not shouting or anything, but I was trying to get her to see what she has done, why I don't trust anything that comes out of her mouth, that I have been lied to for the last time.... She continues to deny that any of it other than the herpes is a lie. SHe logged into my facebook at some time yesterday and read mine and her EX BF's conversation and got mad, even though there was nothing really negative in it at all. Started telling me I was cheating on her. I just don't get it. I don't see why every conversation we have gets flipped to it is ME that is and did something wrong.
> 
> So one of her coworkers calls her and I drive my truck out to our lake to sit on the dock and think. I decided to walk back to the house and I listen to her conversation. Needless to say, I was livid when I heard all the things she said about me and the lies she told this girl. She told her that I was having an affair, and questioned every move she made..... Then the comment that made me madder than anything, she said "and when he asked me to marry him I was about to sign on my house" At that point I ended the conversation and said now tell her the truth about everything, she hung up on her.
> 
> In a calm voice I said, "Ill tell you what you do.... you call your brother (who is a real estate agent) and tell him everything while you are looking for you a house tomorrow. since I burdened you by asking you to marry me, by all means get your stuff and get out of my house"
> Then all the comments about you'd be happy if I died, blah blah blah started. I said thats pretty selfish since you have 2 kids and honesty would have gotten you out of any of this. I don't know if she doesnt understand why I am so mad and hurt and upset, or if she is just trying to see if I am calling her bluff and am about to file divorce papers and that is what she really wants.


Be very careful my friend because this woman sounds nuts.It is beginning to sound a bit like the book/movie Gone Girl.
She has been telling stories about you to anyone who will listen,if she happens to stab or shoot you in “self defense” she has a stream of people ready to claim you have been abusing her for a long time.
You need to get her out of your home but do not try this alone,go the legal route and have her served.


----------



## VibrantWings

shesgone said:


> It may have come out of an atm, but it didn't come out of any of our accounts or hers. There have been no withdrawals or checks cashed either.
> There is a $4k necklace I gave her for mothers day last year missing though, but police logging shows not transactions in her name in any pawn shops.


If she says it's a mystery and you cannot track down where it came from, it was obviously what SOMEONE took out of an ATM and gave to her. For what reason and why did she lie about it? With a never-ending liar, you have to use your own common sense and totally ignore whatever bull**** the other person tells you.

I don't know how you stand it. 

Good luck in whatever you decide.


----------



## shesgone

VibrantWings said:


> shesgone said:
> 
> 
> 
> It may have come out of an atm, but it didn't come out of any of our accounts or hers. There have been no withdrawals or checks cashed either.
> There is a $4k necklace I gave her for mothers day last year missing though, but police logging shows not transactions in her name in any pawn shops.
> 
> 
> 
> If she says it's a mystery and you cannot track down where it came from, it was obviously what SOMEONE took out of an ATM and gave to her. For what reason and why did she lie about it? With a never-ending liar, you have to use your own common sense and totally ignore whatever bull**** the other person tells you.
> 
> I don't know how you stand it.
> 
> Good luck in whatever you decide.
Click to expand...

Oh I know that and she knows that but she refuses to admit where it came from. Yesterday she took the money and deposited it into my account. Which is an admission of guilt in itself. It has nothing to do with the money or where it came from. I could care less. It’s about hiding where it came from. 
And the comment she made to her buddy on the phone about she was about to buy the house when I asked her to marry me. All she said about it is “I was mad and didn’t mean it I’m sorry”. I can’t get her to talk about it period. 
I am talking to my attorney and he has me doing a couple of things to solidify the case before proceeding. Ms law is weird on some stuff, I found that out during my first divorce and my custody battle. I know she’s a liar. I know she can’t tell the truth I know it will probably never change. I know when I file her ex is going to take her child from her, I know that for certain. I also figure my ex will try to file some bs to try to attack me as well, but she won’t win ever.


----------



## TJW

VibrantWings said:


> With a never-ending liar, you have to use your own common sense and totally ignore whatever bull**** the other person tells you.


Exactly. You know what the truth is. Act upon that, and whatever the liar says, let it go in one ear and out the other.


----------



## shesgone

Last update and I am done. I have made up my mind, but I don't want to leave anyone hanging in suspense... HAHA

Just talked to her ex husband. He told me he was upfront with her about the herpes from day one. He said yes I had it for 13 years.
She told me he had raised his hand to hit her and SHE left him. He said that is BS and he filed and she begged him to stay.
So everything she has said to me was a lie. 
I also talked to her last BF and apparently I was talking to her while she was still committed to him. I had no clue. 
She also didn't tell him she had herpes, but now he knows he better get checked. 

I am emotionally and physically checked out at this point. There is nothing she can say that would bring me back. I had a crappy marriage for 15 years and I won't do it again. 
Thanks to everyone that has given their opinion and guidance.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Most excellent news. The best of luck to you!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## sunsetmist

Should you choose to return for support, you can have mod move thread to private forum. Hang in there,


----------



## sokillme

Sorry dude. Once you heal maybe get your picker checked by doing some counseling and reading some books. I think reading on these sites can show you some patterns too.


----------



## Chuck71

Whatever attracted you to her, needs to be re-analysed. I'm pretty sure what it was though...

A pretty face, lip service, and submissive behavior when needed is a trap. Now you know....


----------



## VibrantWings

Chuck71 said:


> Whatever attracted you to her, needs to be re-analysed. I'm pretty sure what it was though...
> 
> A pretty face, lip service, and submissive behavior when needed is a trap. Now you know....


Lol, I suspect he's right. If it seems "too easy" then it's not the truth. 

Your next relationship will only be different if you change your priorities for the better.


----------



## Rob_1

@shesgone said: "I am emotionally and physically checked out at this point. There is nothing she can say that would bring me back. I had a crappy marriage for 15 years and I won't do it again. Thanks to everyone that has given their opinion and guidance."

Well, it seems this OP likes to wallow in self pity. He's now on another forum repeating himself all over again about what to do. Most likely looking for affirmation to stay in the relationship looking for another 15 years of crappy marriage.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Rob_1 said:


> @shesgone said: "I am emotionally and physically checked out at this point. There is nothing she can say that would bring me back. I had a crappy marriage for 15 years and I won't do it again. Thanks to everyone that has given their opinion and guidance."
> 
> Well, it seems this OP likes to wallow in self pity. He's now on another forum repeating himself all over again about what to do. Most likely looking for affirmation to stay in the relationship looking for another 15 years of crappy marriage.


Ugh, REALLY? Guess he's hoping for a different answer. :scratchhead: He didn't sound very convincing on that final post.


----------



## shesgone

I wasnt wallowing in self pitty guys, or maybe I was. I am a nice person and I like to have rock hard facts before making a decision about anything at all. I always give people too many chances to let me down. I just was looking for someone that may have some more insight on how in the world someone could be like that. But to humor yall....

I got a call from my EX wife last night, a woman that hates me more than anything in the world due to the fact that I took her child from her and she is paying me $1800 a month in child support and back support. We don't talk, we don't text, I don't ask her anything regarding our daughter and we don't even look at each other when we are at school events for her. 
She called me almost hysterical last night and said, "I don't even know how to say this or bring it up" She said "so... Imma just throw this name out there and do what you want with it" Surprisingly enough the name was my current wife's ex bf who she had lied about talking to earlier this year. She said a coworker had told her that the guy had told her personally that they have been seeing each other for the past 6 months. I have no hard evidence, I can't prove it, but for this woman to come to me and say that confirms every thing I have thought, because there is no way possible she could even know that there was an association between them unless someone actually told her that and they knew it. 
Anyway, I go to meet with my attorney today to draw up the papers.

I really do appreciate any and all input you have given and I have taken it to heart. I know what the outcome is in all this. I just am not one to jump to conclusions or assumption just because of heresay.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

You mean she's been LYING? You don't say... 

Well I'm glad your XW came forward with the info for you, I'm sure it was not a surprise for you. Hopefully now you know to not believe a word that comes out of her mouth. Make all contact go through your attorney, and don't engage with her if she texts or calls or whatever. I'm sorry you are in such a mess, liars are the absolute worst.


----------



## jlg07

Not sure if it would help you or make any difference, but you MAY want to get a PI to get proof/confirm that she has been with her ex, that way there won't be any re-writing of things.


----------



## BluesPower

shesgone said:


> I wasnt wallowing in self pitty guys, or maybe I was. I am a nice person and I like to have rock hard facts before making a decision about anything at all. I always give people too many chances to let me down. I just was looking for someone that may have some more insight on how in the world someone could be like that. But to humor yall....


Listen, one of the things that we do here is really, long term, try to help people. We try to warn of tendencies and issues that the posters do not really understand or see themselves.

Do we actually help? Debatable. I think we do others would disagree. 

Everyone that saw your post, that had experience, knew what was going on. You did not want to believe it. I get that. 

But I want for you to please read what you wrote. Can you understand that by being nice, by worrying about others all the time before you think of yourself, that some of that behavior is what is allowing you to get in these types of situations? 

There is nothing wrong with being "nice". But when "nice" takes you down into stupid land, man you have to rethink your thought process. 

Does that make any sense to you?


----------



## WorkingWife

shesgone said:


> ...That marriage only lasted 18-20 months as well, but I was fed a long sob story about why she divorced him, but I am wondering and actually thinking about calling him and finding out the true story...


I would definitely talk to him and hear his side of things if he's willing to talk to you. It may be very enlightening. 

It's unacceptable for her to lie about the herpes because she knowingly put you at risk. But if that was the ONLY lie I might be able to get past it if I were in your shoes. However, it seems you are learning she is just a liar in general. That's a huge problem. Especially if her lies are just self serving (I don't feel like working).

FWIW, I have a friend who got herpes from her husband who never told her he had it. My point being she never cheated on him (just like you haven't cheated on your wife). Of course after they divorced for other reasons SHE brought it up immediately with her new BF, prior to any sex.


----------



## shesgone

BluesPower said:


> Listen, one of the things that we do here is really, long term, try to help people. We try to warn of tendencies and issues that the posters do not really understand or see themselves.
> 
> Do we actually help? Debatable. I think we do others would disagree.
> 
> Everyone that saw your post, that had experience, knew what was going on. You did not want to believe it. I get that.
> 
> But I want for you to please read what you wrote. Can you understand that by being nice, by worrying about others all the time before you think of yourself, that some of that behavior is what is allowing you to get in these types of situations?
> 
> There is nothing wrong with being "nice". But when "nice" takes you down into stupid land, man you have to rethink your thought process.
> 
> Does that make any sense to you?


Absolutely Blue it makes perfect sense. I didn't say I didn't see what i was doing by being too nice. I know what keeps getting me into these situations and when this one is over I AM DONE buying into pity party BS> I had a friend of mine holler at me for an hour straight last night on the phone for her even still being in my house and being too nice. 
I took Every Single Thing you all said to heart.


----------



## shesgone

WorkingWife said:


> I would definitely talk to him and hear his side of things if he's willing to talk to you. It may be very enlightening.
> 
> It's unacceptable for her to lie about the herpes because she knowingly put you at risk. But if that was the ONLY lie I might be able to get past it if I were in your shoes. However, it seems you are learning she is just a liar in general. That's a huge problem. Especially if her lies are just self serving (I don't feel like working).
> 
> FWIW, I have a friend who got herpes from her husband who never told her he had it. My point being she never cheated on him (just like you haven't cheated on your wife). Of course after they divorced for other reasons SHE brought it up immediately with her new BF, prior to any sex.


I talked to her last ex husband already. He wouldn't really tell me why he wanted to divorce her other than he was tired of her crap. 

I could have lived with the herpes crap over shear embarrasment she must feel but not with everythign else she has lied about.

I talked to her first EX this morning. He said she is a lying manipulating cheating POS. Said he had confirmed her cheating 4 times in the 7 years they were together. Said she can look you dead in the eyes and lie and you never know it and he was a law enforcement investigator. He told me some other stuff that she tried feeding him about when she was a kid about rape and stuff. But he said she kept changing the details and completely changed the story before it was over. He just kept telling me "dig deeper and the truth will come out"


----------



## shesgone

3Xnocharm said:


> You mean she's been LYING? You don't say...
> 
> Well I'm glad your XW came forward with the info for you, I'm sure it was not a surprise for you. Hopefully now you know to not believe a word that comes out of her mouth. Make all contact go through your attorney, and don't engage with her if she texts or calls or whatever. I'm sorry you are in such a mess, liars are the absolute worst.


LMAO. Yea thats what I was saying. I know it, I just wasn't ready to admit it yet.


----------



## Rob_1

@shesgone: well, the good part is that now, you've seen the light in front of you. 

Your task while you're going through getting rid of her, is to look within yourself and find the common denominators, that creates attraction to this type of women, and work on yourself to become strong and able to weed them out immediately. Keep us posted with the outcomes. Thanks for updating.


----------



## Tron

shesgone said:


> I talked to her first EX this morning. He said she is a lying manipulating cheating POS. Said he had confirmed her cheating 4 times in the 7 years they were together. Said she can look you dead in the eyes and lie and you never know it and he was a law enforcement investigator. He told me some other stuff that she tried feeding him about when she was a kid about rape and stuff. But he said she kept changing the details and completely changed the story before it was over. He just kept telling me "dig deeper and the truth will come out"


WOW!

Sounds like the deeper you dig the stinkier this pile of manure is going to get.

Do you really want to go there? Or have you seen enough?


----------



## shesgone

Tron said:


> WOW!
> 
> Sounds like the deeper you dig the stinkier this pile of manure is going to get.
> 
> Do you really want to go there? Or have you seen enough?


I have seen enough. Again, I am curious just to know for my own knowledge.

I know I already have several guys to alert to get checked for herpes. i couldn't sleep knowing I didn't let them know. 
Good news is I am clean and escaped without it after 2 years.


----------



## shesgone

Rob_1 said:


> @shesgone: well, the good part is that now, you've seen the light in front of you.
> 
> Your task while you're going through getting rid of her, is to look within yourself and find the common denominators, that creates attraction to this type of women, and work on yourself to become strong and able to weed them out immediately. Keep us posted with the outcomes. Thanks for updating.


I agree 100%. I will not be walked on again EVER by any woman.


----------



## Adelais

She lied about a BIG thing, she lied about little things. She is a habitual liar. That will undermine any marriage over time.

If you don't get a divorce over these recent issues, you will eventually divorce later over other issues. It will be more difficult to extricate yourself from this marriage the longer you are in it.

It is your decision. How sad to have your life blown up when all you wanted was to get your debit card out of her purse.

Be glad it happened now and not in 5 years after you had herpes and a child or two together.


----------



## shesgone

Araucaria said:


> She lied about a BIG thing, she lied about little things. She is a habitual liar. That will undermine any marriage over time.
> 
> If you don't get a divorce over these recent issues, you will eventually divorce later over other issues. It will be more difficult to extricate yourself from this marriage the longer you are in it.
> 
> It is your decision. How sad to have your life blown up when all you wanted was to get your debit card out of her purse.
> 
> Be glad it happened now and not in 5 years after you had herpes and a child or two together.


HAHAHA. that is all I was doing 100% honesty. I saw a bottle and just picked it up to see what it was.


----------



## WorkingWife

shesgone said:


> I talked to her first EX this morning. He said she is a lying manipulating cheating POS. Said he had confirmed her cheating 4 times in the 7 years they were together. Said she can look you dead in the eyes and lie and you never know it and he was a law enforcement investigator. He told me some other stuff that she tried feeding him about when she was a kid about rape and stuff. But he said she kept changing the details and completely changed the story before it was over. He just kept telling me "dig deeper and the truth will come out"


YIKES.

I'm so sorry. 

RUN.


----------



## bandit.45

Nasty woman. 

Isn't it against the law to purposefully spread a communicable disease? Can you go to the police and have them investigate her? She's like a nasty Typhoid Mary.


----------



## Kamstel

How did the meeting with the lawyer go today?


----------



## GusPolinski

shesgone said:


> I wasnt wallowing in self pitty guys, or maybe I was. I am a nice person and I like to have rock hard facts before making a decision about anything at all. I always give people too many chances to let me down. I just was looking for someone that may have some more insight on how in the world someone could be like that. But to humor yall....
> 
> I got a call from my EX wife last night, a woman that hates me more than anything in the world due to the fact that I took her child from her and she is paying me $1800 a month in child support and back support. We don't talk, we don't text, I don't ask her anything regarding our daughter and we don't even look at each other when we are at school events for her.
> She called me almost hysterical last night and said, "I don't even know how to say this or bring it up" She said "so... Imma just throw this name out there and do what you want with it" Surprisingly enough the name was my current wife's ex bf who she had lied about talking to earlier this year. She said a coworker had told her that the guy had told her personally that they have been seeing each other for the past 6 months. I have no hard evidence, I can't prove it, but for this woman to come to me and say that confirms every thing I have thought, because there is no way possible she could even know that there was an association between them unless someone actually told her that and they knew it.
> Anyway, I go to meet with my attorney today to draw up the papers.
> 
> I really do appreciate any and all input you have given and I have taken it to heart. I know what the outcome is in all this. I just am not one to jump to conclusions or assumption just because of heresay.


If you've not learned this already, learn it now:

Stop giving people that treat you like **** opportunities to _continue_ treating you like ****.

Go from "Something doesn't feel right..." to "Get the **** out. Now." a whole lot faster.


----------



## shesgone

Kamstel said:


> How did the meeting with the lawyer go today?


Papers are being drawn up today. He recommended me taking them to her and see if she will sign volunteerily, if not I will have her served within 12 hours. He said name my terms and I can have whatever I want. If she tries to fight it she will never win and will probably wind up with multiple criminal charges against her for assault, failure to disclose, sexual assault, among others. If I were to have contracted it from her than I would have a civil suit as well. 
So i am working on the financials now to see what all I want to make her pay.
He told me to list what I want and he will put it in there.
So I am going for 1/2 of her Workers comp settlement that should be coming in the next 6 months and she is going to pay $600 per month towards a credit card debt that I ran up fighting for her child until paid in full which will be garnished. 
She will have 30 days to refinance her new vehicle and get my name off of it or I take it back. I keep MY house, my savings, my retirement, my businesses with nothing going to her.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

shesgone said:


> Papers are being drawn up today. He recommended me taking them to her and see if she will sign volunteerily, if not I will have her served within 12 hours. *He said name my terms and I can have whatever I want. If she tries to fight it she will never win and will probably wind up with multiple criminal charges against her for assault, failure to disclose, sexual assault, among others. If I were to have contracted it from her than I would have a civil suit as well. *
> So i am working on the financials now to see what all I want to make her pay.
> He told me to list what I want and he will put it in there.
> So I am going for 1/2 of her Workers comp settlement that should be coming in the next 6 months and she is going to pay $600 per month towards a credit card debt that I ran up fighting for her child until paid in full which will be garnished.
> She will have 30 days to refinance her new vehicle and get my name off of it or I take it back. I keep MY house, my savings, my retirement, my businesses with nothing going to her.


Seems like there is quite a bit against her and you have the legal high road for sure but I would guard against the notion of being able to name your own terms and having them seen through. Just don't want you to get shocked once you realize the court systems sometimes will surprise you even when things seem cut and dry. Really depends on which state you are in and the judge. Just continue to follow the advice of your lawyer, keep yourself moving forward and keep the disdain aside as you plow through doing what's right and getting what you need done. The sooner you get through this, the earlier you will be on the true road to recovery!


----------



## shesgone

So while I am waiting on the papers from the attorney to be finished, I made one last ditched attempt to get her to tell me the truth. At this point it doesn't matter but I wanted to try anyway.
I laid it all out there, I told her sit there and don't say a word and take notes if she needed to because when I finish you get your turn to talk and explain to me how I am the crazy one and am making everything up. 

SO for an hour and a half I started from day one and in detail with dates, times, names, numbers, screenshots of phone bills, screen shots from her phone, screen shots from dating site where we met, messages from her exs, and reasons i suspect things. She even after being shown evidence over and over about everything i asked denied it and said it doesn't' matter because you won't believe anything I say. I said no if you have valid arguments i am all ears and am open to discussion, but if you refuse to talk to me or try to explain yourself then i know where I stand as your husband and my decision is made. 

I sat there for 30 minutes with her in utter silence, then she gets up says goodnight and goes to bed. That was honestly not what I wanted to hear. I at that point informed her that I had talked to her ex husband and he was going to get full custody of their sons and she was walking away from everything in her life. She proceeded to walk off and that was it. I will not talk to her again, I will not say anything to her again until I get the papers finished hopefully today. 

SO my question from my original post. How in the hell can someone be that irresponsible, harsh, manipulative, uncaring, unloving, shutdown, and just act like it doesn't even phase them? How can someone hurt someone they supposidly love so much and lie to their face about everything? 

I have learned my lessons. I will not repeat this with anyone else. I will not be taken advantage of again. I will not be lied to again. I will not put my daughter through this again. Hell at this point I may not ever trust anyone again. Its been hard and unbelievable, but its done its over. On to bigger and better things and time to stop playing PI and focus on me and my daughter and our happiness.


----------



## shesgone

SentHereForAReason said:


> Seems like there is quite a bit against her and you have the legal high road for sure but I would guard against the notion of being able to name your own terms and having them seen through. Just don't want you to get shocked once you realize the court systems sometimes will surprise you even when things seem cut and dry. Really depends on which state you are in and the judge. Just continue to follow the advice of your lawyer, keep yourself moving forward and keep the disdain aside as you plow through doing what's right and getting what you need done. The sooner you get through this, the earlier you will be on the true road to recovery!


Oh, Im not. He said you never know what a judge will do, but he does know that she would be charged criminally for not disclosing the herpes. Here in the great state of MS there is case law from 2017 with a case almost identical to this.


----------



## BluesPower

shesgone said:


> So while I am waiting on the papers from the attorney to be finished, I made one last ditched attempt to get her to tell me the truth. At this point it doesn't matter but I wanted to try anyway.
> I laid it all out there, I told her sit there and don't say a word and take notes if she needed to because when I finish you get your turn to talk and explain to me how I am the crazy one and am making everything up.
> 
> SO for an hour and a half I started from day one and in detail with dates, times, names, numbers, screenshots of phone bills, screen shots from her phone, screen shots from dating site where we met, messages from her exs, and reasons i suspect things. She even after being shown evidence over and over about everything i asked denied it and said it doesn't' matter because you won't believe anything I say. I said no if you have valid arguments i am all ears and am open to discussion, but if you refuse to talk to me or try to explain yourself then i know where I stand as your husband and my decision is made.
> 
> I sat there for 30 minutes with her in utter silence, then she gets up says goodnight and goes to bed. That was honestly not what I wanted to hear. I at that point informed her that I had talked to her ex husband and he was going to get full custody of their sons and she was walking away from everything in her life. She proceeded to walk off and that was it. I will not talk to her again, I will not say anything to her again until I get the papers finished hopefully today.
> 
> SO my question from my original post. How in the hell can someone be that irresponsible, harsh, manipulative, uncaring, unloving, shutdown, and just act like it doesn't even phase them? How can someone hurt someone they supposidly love so much and lie to their face about everything?
> 
> I have learned my lessons. I will not repeat this with anyone else. I will not be taken advantage of again. I will not be lied to again. I will not put my daughter through this again. Hell at this point I may not ever trust anyone again. Its been hard and unbelievable, but its done its over. On to bigger and better things and time to stop playing PI and focus on me and my daughter and our happiness.


Actually, as hard as it is to hear, it is quite simple. 

You were the KISA, Nice Guy, that took her in. She saw you coming from a mile away. She knew exactly what she was going to do use you, cheat on you, lie to you, take you to the cleaners. Unfortunately, there are people in this world like this. Just try and learn how to spot it. 

Next time, and there will be a next time, TAKE your time, and if there are any flags or drama at all, dump first and ask questions later...


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## shesgone

BluesPower said:


> Actually, as hard as it is to hear, it is quite simple.
> 
> You were the KISA, Nice Guy, that took her in. She saw you coming from a mile away. She knew exactly what she was going to do use you, cheat on you, lie to you, take you to the cleaners. Unfortunately, there are people in this world like this. Just try and learn how to spot it.
> 
> Next time, and there will be a next time, TAKE your time, and if there are any flags or drama at all, dump first and ask questions later...



Hindsight is 20/20 HAHAHA


----------



## Taxman

shesgone
At this point, I urge you to have her charged criminally. There is a sociopathic streak in this woman that endangers everyone she comes into contact, this includes her children. The reason she turned and went to bed? She had no answer, you have her, and she has no defense. Therefore, it behooves you to put a stop to her. Otherwise, in six months, some other schmuck that she infected, lied to, stole from and abused beyond belief, will be calling you and asking all of the questions you asked. This is the kind of thing that you want tattooed on her forehead: WARNING; TOTAL INCAPACITY FOR TELLING THE TRUTH, ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK.


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## 3Xnocharm

shesgone said:


> SO my question from my original post. How in the hell can someone be that irresponsible, harsh, manipulative, uncaring, unloving, shutdown, and just act like it doesn't even phase them? How can someone hurt someone they supposidly love so much and lie to their face about everything?


You will never get any real answer for this, and truth is, it really doesn't matter in the long run HOW. You just have to deal with the fallout and get yourself out of the mess and into a better place, knowing that YOU were not the one who was toxic. And take those lessons you learned with you, and hopefully you can avoid another one like this in the future.


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## shesgone

Taxman said:


> shesgone
> At this point, I urge you to have her charged criminally. There is a sociopathic streak in this woman that endangers everyone she comes into contact, this includes her children. The reason she turned and went to bed? She had no answer, you have her, and she has no defense. Therefore, it behooves you to put a stop to her. Otherwise, in six months, some other schmuck that she infected, lied to, stole from and abused beyond belief, will be calling you and asking all of the questions you asked. This is the kind of thing that you want tattooed on her forehead: WARNING; TOTAL INCAPACITY FOR TELLING THE TRUTH, ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK.


I agree 100%. I suppose I am telling myself that by knowing HOW someone can be like that, it may help me better understand my personal problem with selection in the future. I have always been too kind to people and given them too much oportunity and trust. That is my flaw. I want to believe the best in people.
And I won't lie, i am still second guessing myself on this entire issue. I wont let that change my decision, but im sitting here going over it in my head wondering, did I just see one thing and fabricate the rest of the evidence? Did somehow the word get back to my ex that I had talked to him and questioned him and she just threw the name out there to make me start questioning things to break us up? Even though everything I see says different. I guess its hard to admit that you have been played by someone you loved unconditionally and did so much to help. 
Everyone I have explained it to says the same thing, run don't walk to the nearest exit.


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## BluesPower

shesgone said:


> I agree 100%. I suppose I am telling myself that by knowing HOW someone can be like that, it may help me better understand my personal problem with selection in the future. I have always been too kind to people and given them too much oportunity and trust. That is my flaw. I want to believe the best in people.
> 
> And I won't lie, i am still second guessing myself on this entire issue. I wont let that change my decision, but im sitting here going over it in my head wondering, did I just see one thing and fabricate the rest of the evidence? Did somehow the word get back to my ex that I had talked to him and questioned him and she just threw the name out there to make me start questioning things to break us up? Even though everything I see says different. I guess its hard to admit that you have been played by someone you loved unconditionally and did so much to help.
> 
> Everyone I have explained it to says the same thing, run don't walk to the nearest exit.


You know, trusting and thinking the best in people is part of the entire problem. You had thoughts that she was seeing an Ex early on, but you did not want to believe it. THAT is your problem. 

You know, when you see signs once, ok, maybe you were wrong on that on, it happens. But dude, she has had read flags from the very start and you ignored them. YOU have to change that.

You can be nice, you can be kind, but you don't have to be stupid!!!!

Fact is, people need to PROVE themselves to you, and that takes some time. 

You need to guard yourself and keep telling yourself, not everyone is a good person. 

I know that you are already thinking most of this, but you need to tattoo it on your arm or something where you can see it every day...


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## BarbedFenceRider

Wow...And you NEVER saw any indications of cluster B shading going on? And no self entitled narcissism showed either? She's a good actress. Too bad she had to leave the valtrex in the purse. lol

When she is gone, don't let her back in. She is waaaay damaged.


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## TJW

shesgone said:


> How in the hell can someone be that irresponsible, harsh, manipulative, uncaring, unloving, shutdown, and just act like it doesn't even phase them?


Because they are completely sinful and self-centered.

And, I've got news... it's not an "act"....it doesn't phase them. They don't care.



shesgone said:


> How can someone hurt someone they supposidly love so much and lie to their face about everything?


Because the "love" is only a supposition. It is really not present in the person who is "supposed" to love. 



shesgone said:


> time to stop playing PI and focus on me and my daughter and our happiness.


You got it...... it's sad, but that is the reality.
I'm sorry she did this to you.



BluesPower said:


> Unfortunately, there are people in this world like this. Just try and learn how to spot it.


Yes, it is indeed unfortunate, but that is also the reality.


----------



## Taxman

shesgone said:


> I agree 100%. I suppose I am telling myself that by knowing HOW someone can be like that, it may help me better understand my personal problem with selection in the future. I have always been too kind to people and given them too much oportunity and trust. That is my flaw. I want to believe the best in people.


Sociopaths present a problematic picture. I am well acquainted with a sociopath, and what is publicly presented is the total image of normalcy. I have often stated that the person I knew, could easily win the Academy Award for best actor. You would never suspect the inherent evil that went on behind his eyes. There is no amount of analysis that could be performed on a sociopath that would warn you. She will ultimately do this again and again until someone stops her, then when she is found out, she will use another mechanism to curry favor with a completely separate social group. They will not recognize her sociopathy until it impacts on them.


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## shesgone

BarbedFenceRider said:


> Wow...And you NEVER saw any indications of cluster B shading going on? And no self entitled narcissism showed either? She's a good actress. Too bad she had to leave the valtrex in the purse. lol
> 
> When she is gone, don't let her back in. She is waaaay damaged.


Im not sure what the clinical definition of cluster b is, but looking back I saw some signs, i just ignored them I guess. 

Day to day, she wasn't selfish, or so it seemed. But looking back, she never cooked, never cleaned, never did anything but laundry and kiss her kids asses or one of them anyway. Looking back, and after talking to her EX's if I hadn't talked to her EX before court she would have lost her kids to him, but I believed her at the time. Looking back, and after talking to her Ex's she was selfish and jealous of her kids getting attention and not her. Looking back at the phone bills, she was talking to people all the time and deleting messages. Looking back I feel certain she was with other guys when we first got together and were dating, not because of any new evidence, just stuff I questioned her about then I now see didn't add up. I see it all crystal clear now. I have no shame in admitting my mistakes, but I can assure I have learned my lessons this time.


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## sunsetmist

shesgone said:


> Im not sure what the clinical definition of cluster b is, but looking back I saw some signs, i just ignored them I guess.
> 
> Day to day, she wasn't selfish, or so it seemed. But looking back, she never cooked, never cleaned, never did anything but laundry and kiss her kids asses or one of them anyway. Looking back, and after talking to her EX's if I hadn't talked to her EX before court she would have lost her kids to him, but I believed her at the time. Looking back, and after talking to her Ex's she was selfish and jealous of her kids getting attention and not her. Looking back at the phone bills, she was talking to people all the time and deleting messages. Looking back I feel certain she was with other guys when we first got together and were dating, not because of any new evidence, just stuff I questioned her about then I now see didn't add up. I see it all crystal clear now. I have no shame in admitting my mistakes, but I can assure I have learned my lessons this time.


I feel your pain. Don't second guess any of your decisions. Hindsight is always clearer. You have been decisive as new evidence emerged--some due to your diligence in pursuing it. You have taken the actions that many seem to be reluctant to do. Better times await you in the future.


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## shesgone

I am probably going to be pummeled and stoned for this but i am going to share the happenings since last week. 


I had the papers drawn up. I brought them home, she read them and broke down begging me not to divorce her without giving her a chance to explain and make it up to her. I said "you have 2 hours to say whatever it is you want to say without me saying a word" "I want answers and I want them now".

She begin explaining, how in a previous relationship she was upfront about the herpes and the guy bailed, and she didn't want to risk me doing the same, because we hit it off instantly. 
I went through her phone records all the way back to the day we started talking and she was not talking to guys that I had accused her of. To which I responded, but you lied every single day weve been married about it. She agreed.
She went on to tell me that she was raped at 16 and no one would listen to her or believe her, so she has been emotionally shut down since then and its hard to talk. She told me that her older brother did touch her when they were kids and no one believed her about that, yet another reason she is shut down. She brought out records from 2 different counselors and 1 psychiatrist she has seen off and on over the years about her rape and her ex husband who was both physically and mentally abusive. 
She called the guy that was her ex that she had talked to occasionally, and they weren't together, they ran into each other eating lunch one day and did sit at the same table with other coworkers but that was it, he was only in town for a week and had been in Iraq the rest of the time. So I started calling around and her ex BF that I had talked to said he did tell my EX wife (who told me about this guy) that I asked him about this guy. SO that is how it got to my Ex wife and she mentioned his name knowing I would start digging. 
The money came from when she had written a check for a school fundraiser and our friend paid her back in cash. 
She did admit that she took more medicine than she should have from time to time, and said as you see i have stopped it all together. 
She said she knows she has an imbalance of hormones (due to having a full hysterectomy 9 years ago), She is going to her OB today to try to get that straight. She said she misses sex like we used to have and its not that she doesn't want me she just isn't horny like she was. 
She said she knows she has a problem with telling lies about absolutely nothing, and she has been to a counselor everyday this week, and we had a joint session Monday to explain the issues. This counselor is a friend of mine and she will not beat around the bush like some about stuff. 

After all of this stuff, I see she is emotionally damaged. I can't be mad at her about her past, but I can be mad about her lying to me. I gave her 6 months to make this stuff better and prove to me that she is working on herself. I told her I don't care what you do no matter how bad, DO NOT LIE. I can forgive mistakes and bad decisions, but I cannot forgive being lied to no matter how little it may be. I do love her, I do care about her, I am willing to make this work, but she has to put for the effort. I still have the papers and will keep them for 6 months to see if she is really going to change. If she does GREAT, I will burn them. If she doesn't we will sign them and file. 
I talked to my doctor, and the likelihood of me getting herpes (if she takes her daily valtrex and tells me if she feels like she is having and outbreak) from her is a 2% chance per year if we had sex every single day. If I am with her, I don't care anyway, and I wouldn't have from the beginning. Also i could have gotten it many times over just due to the lifestyle I led prior to her with swinging and when i was single. 

We have one hour per night set aside to discuss things, and work through these issues. In 4 days I feel like I know more about my wife than I have learned in almost 2 years. She is showing true regret, sorrow, and is working on herself. She has told me things she has never discussed at all. 
She knows without question if she doesn't follow through, then we are done. She also knows if she ever lies again we are done. 

Let the bashing of my decision begin. I know I will be called crazy and have no self respect....., but I also know if she if truly willing to prove herself going forward and in the future that we could have an amazing marriage. Yes I know I was done wrong, yes I know she lied, yes I know she has a past, yes I know it won't be easy, yes i know it could still go wrong, Yes I know i have to work on forgiving her as well as she proves her intentions. We also had the discussion that if I see that I can never trust her again or cannot forgive her for what she has done, then we will also split because no one deserves to live in that situation.


----------



## Evinrude58

shesgone said:


> I am probably going to be pummeled and stoned for this but i am going to share the happenings since last week.
> 
> 
> I had the papers drawn up. I brought them home, she read them and broke down begging me not to divorce her without giving her a chance to explain and make it up to her. I said "you have 2 hours to say whatever it is you want to say without me saying a word" "I want answers and I want them now".
> 
> She begin explaining, how in a previous relationship she was upfront about the herpes and the guy bailed, and she didn't want to risk me doing the same, because we hit it off instantly.
> I went through her phone records all the way back to the day we started talking and she was not talking to guys that I had accused her of.
> She went on to tell me that she was raped at 16 and no one would listen to her or believe her, so she has been emotionally shut down since then and its hard to talk. She told me that her older brother did touch her when they were kids and noone believed her about that, yet another reason she is shut down. She brought out records from 2 different counselors and 1 phychiatrist she has seen off and on over the years about her rape and her ex husband who was both physically and mentally abusive.
> She called the guy that was her ex that she had talked to occasionally, and they weren't together, they ran into each other eating lunch one day and did sit at the same table with other coworkers but that was it, he was only in town for a week and had been in Iraq the rest of the time. So I started calling around and her ex BF that I had talked to said he did tell my EX wife (who told me about this guy) that I asked him about this guy. SO that is how it got to my Ex wife and she mentioned his name knowing I would start digging.
> The money came from when she had written a check for a school fundraiser and our friend paid her back in cash.
> She did admit that she took more medicine than she should have from time to time, and said as you see i have stopped it all together.
> She said she knows she has an imbalance of hormones (due to having a full hysterectomy 9 years ago), She is going to her OB today to try to get that straight. She said she misses sex like we used to have and its not that she doesn't want me she just isn't horny like she was.
> She said she knows she has a problem with telling lies about absolutely nothing, and she has been to a counselor everyday this week, and we had a joint session Monday to explain the issues. This counselor is a friend of mine and she will not beat around the bush like some about stuff.
> 
> After all of this stuff, I see she is emotionally damaged. I can't be mad at her about her past, but I can be mad about her lying to me. I gave her 6 months to make this stuff better and prove to me that she is working on herself. I told her I don't care what you do no matter how bad, DO NOT LIE. I can forgive mistakes and bad decisions, but I cannot forgive being lied to no matter how little it may be. I do love her, I do care about her, I am willing to make this work, but she has to put for the effort. I still have the papers and will keep them for 6 months to see if she is really going to change. If she does GREAT, I will burn them. If she doesn't we will sign them and file.
> I talked to my doctor, and the likelihood of me getting herpes (if she takes her daily valtrex and tells me if she feels like she is having and outbreak) from her is a 2% chance per year if we had sex every single day. If I am with her, I don't care anyway, and I wouldn't have from the beginning.
> 
> We have one hour per night set aside to discuss things, and work through these issues. In 4 days I feel like I know more about my wife than I have learned in almost 2 years. She is showing true regret, sorrow, and is working on herself. She has told me things she has never discussed at all.
> She knows without question if she doesn't follow through, then we are done. She also knows if she ever lies again we are done.
> 
> Let the of my decision bashing begin. I know I will be called crazy and have no self respect....., but I also know if she if truly willing to prove herself going forward and in the future that we could have an amazing marriage. Yes I know I was done wrong, yes I know she lied, yes I know she has a past, yes I know it won't be easy, yes i know it could still go wrong, Yes I know i have to work on forgiving her as well as she proves her intentions. We also had the discussion that if I see that I can never trust her again or cannot forgive her for what she has done, then we will also split because no one deserves to live in that situation.


Nobody is going to bash you, bro.
Very few people who came to this site ever made perfect decisions in such an emotionally charged problem.
Some things for you to think about:

Is the love that you have for your wife going to be used against you?
Are you going to actually follow through if your wife doesn't stop lying? Is lying truly a deal breaker? You do know the lying is a habit that is extremely hard to break?!
Are you letting your emotions cause you to look at what your wife tells you with logic, or desire to forgive and forget?
Do you feel you are too emotionally dependent on your wife? i.e. do you think you could be happy without her? Do you NEED her to be happy?

What we ALL need to do in life is make big decisions based on logic rather than emotion. If taking your wife back after repeated lying is logical to you because you think she can change, then it's your decision.

I will say that based on what you've described, she is likely lying about having sex with her ex and such after you started dating her. Think about THIS:
SHE TOLD YOU that she lied to keep you from leaving her over the herpes thing. Do you think you suddenly have a wife that won't LIE AGAIN TO KEEP YOU? I think the obvious, logical answer is that she is lying to you still, in order to keep you.
Don't allow yourself to be deluded. Your wife is not suddenly telling you the truth, and likely never will.
Be careful you don't rugsweep this. Hang on to those papers and start building your confidence in YOURSELF.


----------



## BluesPower

Ok, so lets start at that beginning. 

Was she or was she not screwing another guy(s) when you were dating and you thought you were exclusive? And, how do you know and from what source? If she was, that should be a deal breaker.

Why do you think you can believe her? What possible reason could you have to believe her? I really want to hear this. 

So I am not going to bash you too much. But I want you to try an listen to what I am saying. 

So far, she has lied your entire relationship. Why believe anything she says, and I mean anything????

She has used you and your money to keep her kids, and she would do anything to keep them, You think she would not lie and continue to use you? 

I am not saying that you are crazy, but I am saying that you have been really weak through out your life with women. 

With women, if you are weak, you get screwed and not in a good way. 

Now, is it crazy to see if she pulls her head out of her ass, maybe not. 

But you have to stop being a nice guy about this, you are getting too old to put up with this BS...


----------



## shesgone

Evinrude58 said:


> Nobody is going to bash you, bro.
> Very few people who came to this site ever made perfect decisions in such an emotionally charged problem.
> Some things for you to think about:
> 
> Is the love that you have for your wife going to be used against you?
> Are you going to actually follow through if your wife doesn't stop lying? Is lying truly a deal breaker? You do know the lying is a habit that is extremely hard to break?!
> Are you letting your emotions cause you to look at what your wife tells you with logic, or desire to forgive and forget?
> Do you feel you are too emotionally dependent on your wife? i.e. do you think you could be happy without her? Do you NEED her to be happy?
> 
> What we ALL need to do in life is make big decisions based on logic rather than emotion. If taking your wife back after repeated lying is logical to you because you think she can change, then it's your decision.
> 
> I will say that based on what you've described, she is likely lying about having sex with her ex and such after you started dating her. Think about THIS:
> SHE TOLD YOU that she lied to keep you from leaving her over the herpes thing. Do you think you suddenly have a wife that won't LIE AGAIN TO KEEP YOU? I think the obvious, logical answer is that she is lying to you still, in order to keep you.
> Don't allow yourself to be deluded. Your wife is not suddenly telling you the truth, and likely never will.
> Be careful you don't rugsweep this. Hang on to those papers and start building your confidence in YOURSELF.


When I begin this discussion with her, emotions were out of the equation. I was done and I didn't care. 
Yes if 6 months from last Friday I don't see the change I must see the papers will be filed with or without her consent. My attorney actually has it on his calendar to do it on a certain day and unless I call him to cancel he will do it automatically. He already has my signature on the papers and they have been notarized. 

I am not dependent on her or anyone else. Yes she lied to me, yes I know there is a high probability that it may not work and she may not change. But I also know that there are people that have and can change, if they want it bad enough. It's 6 months wasted if not, and she knows she is going to be held accountable. Either she is willing to change and overcome her past or she isn't. It's pretty simple really. Without a doubt, I don't see the changes that I demanded and FORWARD progression and resolution then I'm done. 
I will post updates and progression on here if y'all would like to know.


----------



## Tobyboy

Schedule a polygraph. See how deep the rabbit hole really goes!


----------



## Kamstel

Are you doing what is best FOR YOU?

If so, good job.


----------



## Tron

Tobyboy said:


> Schedule a polygraph. See how deep the rabbit hole really goes!


I am not necessarily a poly, poly, poly guy, but in this case, with her history of lies, this might have some merit. And make her pay for it.


----------



## shesgone

Tron said:


> I am not necessarily a poly, poly, poly guy, but in this case, with her history of lies, this might have some merit. And make her pay for it.



I don't believe in them either. Already have, We will be meeting them at one of those hourly rental offices in a mall tonight. 
2 hour session and 115 yes or no questions that I provided him after his base line questions of which I provided 30.

When i say if I don't see drastic change in short order and damn near perfection in 6 months I am DONE.


----------



## BarbedFenceRider

I think you did alright. And, you showed some grace. Nicely done....

You came at this with power in your hand, and you made her own her own Sh*t. On top of that, you actually did file and have a dead drop day with the attorney. Nice one. Too many can just say "I will file"...And then do nothing. The WW ends up calling the bluff, and the resentment builds. You headed that off pretty quickly. 

I am impressed that you are holding her accountable and yet, showing grace through her faults and giving a little compassion where it's needed. God only knows, you don't need to. You don't have enough investment in her to really make it worthwhile. I hope someone else gives her that little nugget. She is given WAAAAY more than alot of others get...

Maybe this can really turn her life around and you two can build a relationship that is built upon love, honor and respect. Maybe you two are really meant for each other...


----------



## shesgone

BarbedFenceRider said:


> I think you did alright. And, you showed some grace. Nicely done....
> 
> You came at this with power in your hand, and you made her own her own Sh*t. On top of that, you actually did file and have a dead drop day with the attorney. Nice one. Too many can just say "I will file"...And then do nothing. The WW ends up calling the bluff, and the resentment builds. You headed that off pretty quickly.
> 
> I am impressed that you are holding her accountable and yet, showing grace through her faults and giving a little compassion where it's needed. God only knows, you don't need to. You don't have enough investment in her to really make it worthwhile. I hope someone else gives her that little nugget. She is given WAAAAY more than alot of others get...
> 
> Maybe this can really turn her life around and you two can build a relationship that is built upon love, honor and respect. Maybe you two are really meant for each other...


I would rather waste 6 months of my life trying to see if she is willing to change than to throw it all away. Hell a divorce will take that long anyway. 

So..... If polygraphs are accurate, she was not lying about just about everything. A scheduled 2 hour session turned in to 4, at $415 per hour. LOL. 
The key questions that I knew without doubt the truth, she answered honestly. 
According to the tester, she hasn't cheated on me. She has spent money I didn't know about, she has taken more pills a few times than she was supposed to, she hasn't sold any of the jewelry that came up missing, she hasn't had any EA activity, she has never committed any crimes. She did cheat on her first husband, she has had sex with a coworker back before me, she did tell me the truth about the money the last time, and she never has had an outbreak from herpes other than when she knew she had gotten it from her second husband. 
Like I said IF and that is a big IF they are accurate she has told a few small lies but nothing outrageous other than hiding the fact she has herpes. 
We still have huge hill to climb or she does, but maybe we can get back on track. I still have VAR's everywhere, I still have her phone monitored, I still have people watching her for me, I still have her car tracked, and I still have hidden cameras in my house.


----------



## shesgone

Also, she went to the doctor yesterday to have hormones checked. Her OB told her it sounds like her estrogen is low because she has also been tired lately. We should know the results of those tests in a couple days and she said she is going to take the patch or implant or whatever she needs to get out sex life back on track. I will say it has been much better since Saturday night after our talk on Friday. I know she still has something going on with hormones but hey Im happy about the frequent sex returning, hopefully it won't be a one week thing like last time. 
She truly seems sorry for all that she has done and lied about or hidden from me. Time will tell. In the meantime I'll be in full blown discreet surveillance mode.


----------



## Kamstel

Good job!
Stay strong, and keep all intelligence gathering secret from her


----------



## Lostinthought61

Is she going to correct her false accusations to her friend about you...her friends needs to know that as well.


----------



## turnera

I know firsthand how a screwed up childhood can turn you into something very defective and dysfunctional in adulthood - and you can still be a good person. I also know that most such people never get the help they need to get PAST all the FOO stuff, or even know that they can. Honestly, she sounds fairly normal for someone with her past. I 'lie' to my H a lot, just to avoid judgment or get out of doing things with him I'm not strong enough to say no to, and I have rarely told him the truth about my unhappiness with him...all based on my low self esteem and inability to value myself and my tsunami-sized fear of conflict. But I'm a good person. Just messed up. 

ALL of us do things in a wrong way or for the wrong reason from time to time. So I'm actually kind of impressed that you two have managed to get to this point of honesty and laying all your cards on the table. She won't be 'healed' overnight, but as long as she stays committed to doing the hard work (our gushing emotions do fade over time after an initial fear of something like divorce), you have a decent chance together.


----------



## shesgone

Lostinthought61 said:


> Is she going to correct her false accusations to her friend about you...her friends needs to know that as well.


Absolutely. Already have. We had dinner with them on Sunday night and she told them the truth about everything. She apologized to her for lying and her husband as well. 
I also made her tell her mom why I was calling her as well. I made her call her 2 EX BF's as well and tell them she had herpes and they may want to get checked. 

I am not letting her slide on any of this stuff.


----------



## shesgone

turnera said:


> I know firsthand how a screwed up childhood can turn you into something very defective and dysfunctional in adulthood - and you can still be a good person. I also know that most such people never get the help they need to get PAST all the FOO stuff, or even know that they can. Honestly, she sounds fairly normal for someone with her past. I 'lie' to my H a lot, just to avoid judgment or get out of doing things with him I'm not strong enough to say no to, and I have rarely told him the truth about my unhappiness with him...all based on my low self esteem and inability to value myself and my tsunami-sized fear of conflict. But I'm a good person. Just messed up.
> 
> ALL of us do things in a wrong way or for the wrong reason from time to time. So I'm actually kind of impressed that you two have managed to get to this point of honesty and laying all your cards on the table. She won't be 'healed' overnight, but as long as she stays committed to doing the hard work (our gushing emotions do fade over time after an initial fear of something like divorce), you have a decent chance together.


She has also dealt with many child deaths and actually a few close friends of hers deaths in the past few years with her job. All of that affected her as well as she has told me after all this stuff. 

I told her if you had told me all this stuff up front, then I could have better understood your logic, reasoning, and feelings. We could have worked through things together instead of me having to play Inspector gadget for the past 1.5 months or 2 years for that matter. She agreed and I really feel like she has told me everything that I need to know from her past. I also have a power of attorney for her, so I can get her medical records and make sure she isn't backsliding. She signed a post nuptial agreement yesterday entitling her to nothing I have, had when we met, any inheritance or businesses I may acquire, or have acquired since we got married, if we divorce she gets what she has in her retirement account and in her checking account. There are no joint accounts for the time being. My will has been changed to my daughter gets everything if I were to die today except she has a 12 month period that she can live in the house until she finds something else. I will revisit this when and if the time comes, but you have to fight fire with fire. My attorney told me "I appreciate you paying my house off and buying me a new truck the past 2 years but you have got to catch a break sooner or later" :toast: 

I am a pretty easy going guy. Not much bothers me, I don't get jealous, envious, or worried about anything. If she did something wrong probably even cheating, I could get over it, if she confessed on her own about it. 

She has my full support on getting the help she needs, medically and emotionally, but I better not find out about even the faintest of lies or its immediate divorce.


----------



## BluesPower

turnera said:


> ALL of us do things in a wrong way or for the wrong reason from time to time. *So I'm actually kind of impressed that you two have managed to get to this point of honesty and *laying all your cards on the table. She won't be 'healed' overnight, but as long as she stays committed to doing the hard work (our gushing emotions do fade over time after an initial fear of something like divorce), you have a decent chance together.





shesgone said:


> She has also dealt with many child deaths and actually a few close friends of hers deaths in the past few years with her job. All of that affected her as well as she has told me after all this stuff.
> 
> I told her if you had told me all this stuff up front, then I could have better understood your logic, reasoning, and feelings. We could have worked through things together instead of me having to play Inspector gadget for the past 1.5 months or 2 years for that matter. She agreed and I really feel like she has told me everything that I need to know from her past. I also have a power of attorney for her, so I can get her medical records and make sure she isn't backsliding. She signed a post nuptial agreement yesterday entitling her to nothing I have, had when we met, any inheritance or businesses I may acquire, or have acquired since we got married, if we divorce she gets what she has in her retirement account and in her checking account. There are no joint accounts for the time being. My will has been changed to my daughter gets everything if I were to die today except she has a 12 month period that she can live in the house until she finds something else. I will revisit this when and if the time comes, but you have to fight fire with fire. My attorney told me "I appreciate you paying my house off and buying me a new truck the past 2 years but you have got to catch a break sooner or later" :toast:
> 
> I am a pretty easy going guy. Not much bothers me, I don't get jealous, envious, or worried about anything. If she did something wrong probably even cheating, I could get over it, if she confessed on her own about it.
> 
> She has my full support on getting the help she needs, medically and emotionally, but I better not find out about even the faintest of lies or its immediate divorce.


To T and OP, you realize that they are that this point, which could work out good, because you dealt with this from a position of strength, and not weakness. 

You were not nice to start off with, confused yes, but then for whatever reason you got your **** together and filed for divorce, and guess what, it woke her the **** up. 

I just want you to see that and continue that behavior from now on...


----------



## Chuck71

I bet I missed it but...... for these 6 months, the D is still on countdown right?


----------



## shesgone

​


Chuck71 said:


> I bet I missed it but...... for these 6 months, the D is still on countdown right?


Originally, no it wasn't I just had the papers drawn up. I had My attorney holding off filing for 6 months. I thought about it, and after reading some comments on here Tuesday, he advised me yesterday to file with the court and set the date to trial as close to 6 months as we can get it, instead of holding off, that way we won't have to wait another 90 days for a waiting period. So he did it late yesterday. Its actually 6 months and 2 weeks out. She knows it's filed as well, so if she has any reservations one way or the other she will let it be known hopefully. Either way, i can stop it at any time or I can let the clock run, have my process server serve the papers and she can try to come up with a defense that won't stick. 

She does not have to file a response to a divorce suit in this state. I don't have to have her served until 30 days before trial, so..... by that time I will know if she is going to change or not. 

She knows Im not kidding about this. I have been firm and direct with everything. I have explained it to her in great detail and told her ITS UP TO YOU.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

shesgone said:


> I don't believe in them either. Already have, We will be meeting them at one of those hourly rental offices in a mall tonight.
> 2 hour session and* 115 yes or no questions* that I provided him after his base line questions of which I provided 30.
> 
> When i say if I don't see drastic change in short order and damn near perfection in 6 months I am DONE.


 That is a first. I've never heard of more than 7 questions being asked as it screws with the accuracy the more they ask.

@shesgone I hope you are keeping your sword sharp and your armor polished because you are still playing the Knight in Shining Armor more so than ever. You either have one helluva imagination to trick your self like that or you were exactly right. I think it's the latter. she came up with some good stories at the buzzer. Seems like that is what she's really good at. I wish you the best, but am not optimistic. I hope I'm wrong.


----------



## Wolfman1968

...


----------



## Wolfman1968

my two posts are invalidated by further postings by the OP that I didn't see. Sorry.


----------



## oldshirt

I have not read all 9 pages if this thread so I am not up on all developments and side-stories.

I have read a handful of shesgone's posts and his wife sounds a lot like my best friends xW.

My friend had also been in a hellish prior marriage for 10+ years and when he met his 2nd wife he was enamored with her because she talked to him, treated him nice and had lots of sex with him whenever he wanted .

The problem was she was also a compulsive lier and had a series of mental issues and personality disorders.

She had my friend convinced that every single male in her family had molested her. That every man she ever dated had date raped her and that all of her baby daddy's (at least 3 that I know of, maybe more) had also raped and beat her.

He had/has a rip-roaring case of White Knight Syndrome so he felt it was his duty to "save" her and to help treat her since she had suffered from all of this abuse.

Of course in the mean time she was lying about being employed ( she would fake getting jobs and going to work)

She would lie about getting mental health treatment. She would buy drugs off the street and say they were prescribed (by these doctors she didn't actually see)

And I am sure she cheated on him at various times even though she was as ugly as a mud fence.

She would lie and manipulate absolutely everything. She would lie about things that were completely trivial and she would lie about things that were critical.

He would have to attend all of her therapist and shrink appointments because otherwise she would lie about what they said. 

He had to be the ones to pick up her meds from the pharmacy and lick them up in a safe at the house and then dispense them to her one at a time and check her mouth to confirm she actually swallowed them.

He would have to shake-down the house like a prison to confiscate all the drugs she would get on the street and from her other psycho buddies.

Then one day an unrelated family tragedy occured and he was distracted and wasn't making his world all about taking care of her and life wasn't "fun" at that time.

......and then she was gone. Just gone.

She met another woman that was just as fat and ugly and disordered as she was and they hit the road like Charleze Theron in the movie Monster.

She moved out of state with chick on a Tuesday. He sent her divorce papers to sign the next week and she returned them all signed and "T"s crossed and "I"s dotted.

Her stuff is still in his garage over 2 years later and he hasn't heard from her since. 

These people are looney tunes. They can't be fixed.
They can't even be controlled or managed. You can only get away from them and protect yourself from them. 

They screw every man (and apparently women too) that makes their Jay-Jay tingle in the moment and they screw and promise every "Nice Guy tm" and every white knight that they think will take care of them and promise them the world and suck their d1<k on demand. 

But what they actuall deliver is chaos, madness, STDs and children from other men. 

RUN FOREST RUN!!!!


----------



## [email protected]

About the poly; they can be faked with a little practice. I once took one just to see it
I could beat it. I did. It was just an experiment. One doesn't have to be smart to beat one.
But, being a sociopath or chronic deceiver helps.


----------



## shesgone

Well just a little update. 
Things are still progressing positively. Her hormones came back lower than they should have. She has been on the hormone patch for 6 days now and I can already tell a difference in her. They say it could take 2 months to even out but she is definitly improving sexually. This could be a combination of things. 
Someone recommended I read "No More Mr Nice Guy", whoever wrote that book is a genius, in my humble opinion. I have read it two times over the past week and all I can say is WOW. Its like he wrote it about me. I have begin the work on myself as directed in the book. I don't fit it perfectly, but it really put into perspective that I have always been too nice. 
Does anyone know if there is a female version of the book as well? Because a lot of it seems to fit my wife as well. I think she could benefit from something like this as well. Unfortunately there are no groups around here that I can find to be a part of, but I think I can do the most of it by myself with a few friends help. I have implemented several of the "no more mr nice guy" strategies and they seem to be positive steps. I am doing stuff for me and with friends again. Oh and FYI she told me if I want sex, then take it however whenever I want it, because she will get in the mood quickly, I even got a good bye bj this morning on my way out the door for work. 

She is still in counselling, she has begun doing her household "chores" again, she is slowly becoming the woman in bed that she was in the beginning, she isn't babying her youngest son, she isn't lying about things I ask (either good or bad). I know anyone can put on a show, but i am hoping that she is really going to stay this way because I could get used to these positive changes. Divorce is still in the works, because I have to know for certain that things are going to stay the way they are right now. 
Things must still progress, but I am actually suprised at the changes I have seen so far. Lets just hope it keeps up and she doesn't back slide.


----------



## BluesPower

You latest post really sounds hopeful. I am happy for you. 

I think after reading that book maybe you can understand how many of us were saying that you were being too nice. 

The thing you have to watch out for is follow through. Follow through from her. And, follow through from you. 

You simple cannot EVER let your guard down, or become too nice ever again. 

In your situation I usually say dump her, but if she keeps this up, then I guess you have no reason? 

I just worry about her getting too comfortable and going back to her old ways...


----------



## shesgone

BluesPower said:


> You latest post really sounds hopeful. I am happy for you.
> 
> I think after reading that book maybe you can understand how many of us were saying that you were being too nice.
> 
> The thing you have to watch out for is follow through. Follow through from her. And, follow through from you.
> 
> You simple cannot EVER let your guard down, or become too nice ever again.
> 
> In your situation I usually say dump her, but if she keeps this up, then I guess you have no reason?
> 
> I just worry about her getting too comfortable and going back to her old ways...


That book was definitly eye opening. But I see the error of my ways and intend to correct them going forward.
I will never let my guard down again, whether we make it through this or not. 
If she continues down this path then NO I have no reason to dump her, but any back sliding and I will be done. 
I worry about that as well. I am being supportive in a way, but I am still holding her accountable and holding her feet to the fire to keep moving forward. I will not tolerate another lie or mistruth or I forgot a detail again. PERIOD


----------



## turnera

shesgone said:


> Someone recommended I read "No More Mr Nice Guy", whoever wrote that book is a genius, in my humble opinion. I have read it two times over the past week and all I can say is WOW. Its like he wrote it about me.
> 
> Does anyone know if there is a female version of the book as well? Because a lot of it seems to fit my wife as well. I think she could benefit from something like this as well.


First, join the online forums for readers of NMMNG. They'll help keep you on track.

Second, when women are too nice, it's often a combination of reasons. Childhood FOO, insecurity, social stigmas, social mores, and more. 

So first she has to fix her low self esteem, become a full, healthy partner who gives and expects respect. Her IC should help with that. 

Then she needs to educate herself on what a real, healthy marriage looks like. The best book out there for that is His Needs Her Needs. It works, it's right, because it's about our psychology. We may all come from diverse backgrounds, but our psychology trumps everything. HNHN explains what a healthy marriage looks like, with BOTH parties being respected, treated well, and with NEITHER parties using Love Busters (it's in the book) against each other. Read the book together, I recommend one chapter each night, so you have the next day to sit on it and think about what that chapter means and how you two are addressing it. SO much good stuff in there.

As for you, now that you've read NMMNG, I have a second book to read, aside from HNHN, which you should be reading together. It's called Hold On To Your N.U.T.s, and it's about how you should be a family man/husband, but you should ALSO be a human being with your own life and wants and interests. It's in that BALANCE that you are able to find peace and serenity and acceptance, while also protecting yourself. Good stuff, easy read. The author also is a men's coach, so you may want to avail yourself of some of his coaching and retreats.


----------



## shesgone

Just a little update. Things are still progressing on her end pretty well. The medicine seems to be leveling out her hormones and sex is back to normal for us. As far as me, I just got back from a 4 day golf trip with customers, something I have never taken the time to do and I had a blast. I am still thinking about everything that has happened, and trying to let it all go. In other words I have not forgiven her yet. Hell I may never be able to for lying to me for so long. And I did have the discussion with her that if I can't forgiver her there is no need in either of us wasting away our lives worrying. 
I am still holding her accountable and so far no back sliding. 
She moved into a new position at work, that I am not crazy about. She says she can't have her phone all day except on breaks so of course I wonder what all goes on during the day. However I am friends with the owner of the company and can pull the video footage of the entire building anytime I want. 
She no longer uses her phone to talk to anyone at all other than her mom and kids. Her truck is always where it supposed to be according to the GPS tracker. Her phone is always where its supposed to be. 
All of our finances are still completely seperate, I pay for all house expenses (mortgage, insurance, electric...) (by advice of my attorney) she pays for everything else including her truck and groceries. 

The only negative thing that has happened is she saw another doctor yesterday that said the same thing as the other 3 we have seen about her injury to her neck.... The tests they are doing should not hurt, yet she says they do. I forget the clinical name, but they are saying it is a "fake, made up pain". So.... Im not sure what to think of it. I can hear it popping sitting next to her, but they docs say there is no way it is hurting her. If I trusted what she said I'd go to battle for her but history tells me different.....


----------



## notmyrealname4

shesgone said:


> The bad part is I have spent $55k fighting for her not to lose her kid and won the battle because of me.


:surprise: Why would you do that? The totality of your relationship is 20 months. So that means that you spent a fortune on someone else's life; while knowing them less than 20 months.

Your wife is obviously deeply, tremendously troubled.


But your judgement is wa-a-a-y off base.

I'm not sure I'd give $55k to someone I'd known for 10 years. And I think it would have to be a case of them needing treatment for cancer or something like that.


----------



## shesgone

notmyrealname4 said:


> :surprise: Why would you do that? The totality of your relationship is 20 months. So that means that you spent a fortune on someone else's life; while knowing them less than 20 months.
> 
> Your wife is obviously deeply, tremendously troubled.
> 
> 
> But your judgement is wa-a-a-y off base.
> 
> I'm not sure I'd give $55k to someone I'd known for 10 years. And I think it would have to be a case of them needing treatment for cancer or something like that.


Well its not like I actually handed her my checkbook and said write checks. LOL. I was already paying my attorney $20k plus per month dealing with my own custody case. I was in the middle of a custody battle for my daughter (who my ex was allowing a sexual relationship with an 18 yo in her home with), When my ex and her ex found out we got married they teamed up and filed some BS against her trying to get sole custody. Granted she was away from her sons a lot due to work, but that had all gone away when we got together. Between March 2017 and October 2018 my attorney billed me a total of $216,870.00. After going through the bills I determined about $55k of it was her or in the neighborhood.
On top of that we were married, and in marriage ones problems are the others to a certain extent. I had no clue about anything until way after all of that was past and forgotten.


----------



## notmyrealname4

shesgone said:


> On top of that we were married, and in marriage ones problems are the others* to a certain extent.* I had no clue about anything until way after all of that was past and forgotten.



Sure, to a certain extent. I don't think I could extend to someone I had known less than 2 years; but I'm not as generous as you.


Are you always this free handed with your dough?


----------



## BluesPower

shesgone said:


> Just a little update. Things are still progressing on her end pretty well. The medicine seems to be leveling out her hormones and sex is back to normal for us. As far as me, I just got back from a 4 day golf trip with customers, something I have never taken the time to do and I had a blast. I am still thinking about everything that has happened, and trying to let it all go. In other words I have not forgiven her yet. Hell I may never be able to for lying to me for so long. And I did have the discussion with her that if I can't forgiver her there is no need in either of us wasting away our lives worrying.
> I am still holding her accountable and so far no back sliding.
> She moved into a new position at work, that I am not crazy about. She says she can't have her phone all day except on breaks so of course I wonder what all goes on during the day. However I am friends with the owner of the company and can pull the video footage of the entire building anytime I want.
> She no longer uses her phone to talk to anyone at all other than her mom and kids. Her truck is always where it supposed to be according to the GPS tracker. Her phone is always where its supposed to be.
> All of our finances are still completely seperate, I pay for all house expenses (mortgage, insurance, electric...) (by advice of my attorney) she pays for everything else including her truck and groceries.
> 
> The only negative thing that has happened is she saw another doctor yesterday that said the same thing as the other 3 we have seen about her injury to her neck.... The tests they are doing should not hurt, yet she says they do. I forget the clinical name, but they are saying it is a "fake, made up pain". So.... Im not sure what to think of it. I can hear it popping sitting next to her, but they docs say there is no way it is hurting her. If I trusted what she said I'd go to battle for her but history tells me different.....


This all sounds good. Sounds like you are handling it really well. I will say a couple of things. 

1) Keep checking phone bill, just to be sure that she really cannot have her phone. Just saying. And make checks when you can and make sure there are no burner phones. 

2) On the neck stuff, and the pain. Now, this is kind of a hard thing, you don't know if you can trust her which sucks right now, but you really don't want to be insensitive. 

The thing I can tell you, which may not help, is that there are all kinds of issues with pain and necks and backs that doctors miss ALL OF THE TIME. I have seen it first hand. 

So try and be supportive and understand that lots of doctors think if they have not seen it before it does not exist. Or they think that if it is not this thing I see all the time, it must not be real, a lots of times they are wrong. 

And then sometimes it is BS for whatever reason. 

Other than that, this sounds like a good update...


----------



## shesgone

BluesPower said:


> This all sounds good. Sounds like you are handling it really well. I will say a couple of things.
> 
> 1) Keep checking phone bill, just to be sure that she really cannot have her phone. Just saying. And make checks when you can and make sure there are no burner phones.
> 
> 2) On the neck stuff, and the pain. Now, this is kind of a hard thing, you don't know if you can trust her which sucks right now, but you really don't want to be insensitive.
> 
> The thing I can tell you, which may not help, is that there are all kinds of issues with pain and necks and backs that doctors miss ALL OF THE TIME. I have seen it first hand.
> 
> So try and be supportive and understand that lots of doctors think if they have not seen it before it does not exist. Or they think that if it is not this thing I see all the time, it must not be real, a lots of times they are wrong.
> 
> And then sometimes it is BS for whatever reason.
> 
> Other than that, this sounds like a good update...


Blue, 
1. I check the phone bill everyday at 4am while Im drinking my coffee and listening to the VAR's i have set up in her truck and the one from the house on her off days. She doesn't talk on the phone in her truck EVER other than to her kids or her mom. As far as a burner phone, there is only one place it could be and that is in her locked locker at her office, which is something else that I do not and will never have access to at any time. But she doesn't work late or go in early and only gets 2 15 minute breaks and a 30 minute lunch and at those times she is usually texting me or calls me. There is no burner in her truck I know, I have torn it apart multiple times looking, and if there was I would have gotten something by now. 

2. The neck thing, it started off with her arm, then her elbow, then her shoulder, now to her neck, no doctor has really had any explenation to any of it. I have been supportive and I have gone to bat for her on the issues with doctors. I have paid a doc not related to the Workers Comp crap to read the MRI's all 4 of them and he said he sees nothing that would cause this pain. If she is hurt, that is fine. But she has been wanting to paint some rooms in the house and has no problem doing stuff SHE WANTS to do, but still every so often, says her neck is hurting and can't give a BJ HAHA. No big deal if the pain is real, but if not it is another LIE. So i will see how it plays out. I definitly haven't been an ahole about it though.


----------



## shesgone

notmyrealname4 said:


> Sure, to a certain extent. I don't think I could extend to someone I had known less than 2 years; but I'm not as generous as you.
> 
> 
> Are you always this free handed with your dough?



I am a generous guy by nature, money is money I didn't build 3 companies from the ground up to stow it all away and not enjoy some of it, share some it, and provide for my families wants and needs. Yes the attorney hurt me financially, but I will survive, and now that I am done with all that I have time to focus on making even more money, LMAO. That is why I got myself into this situation to begin with. And I didn't just know her for 2 years, I have known her my entire life. Im friends with her brother, and knew her entire family. And yes I have asked them all about her and told them all what was going on with us.


----------



## notmyrealname4

I didn't know you had known her, her entire life. That makes it quite a bit different.

But you are still very, very generous. I hope it all comes back to you, karma and all that.


----------



## Adelais

shesgone said:


> The only negative thing that has happened is she saw another doctor yesterday that said the same thing as the other 3 we have seen about her injury to her neck.... The tests they are doing should not hurt, yet she says they do. I forget the clinical name, but they are saying it is a "fake, made up pain". So.... Im not sure what to think of it. I can hear it popping sitting next to her, but they docs say there is no way it is hurting her. If I trusted what she said I'd go to battle for her but history tells me different.....


Don't judge her pain. Years ago, when I got an MRI for a hip issue, the Dr. saw a blown disc and he said, "I'm surprised that is not hurting, but that's the way with the spine. Sometimes a spine looks bad, and it doesn't cause any pain at all. Other times a person is hurting and we don't see anything that could be causing it." The hip was treated and all pain stopped.

Several years later the disc began hurting and the Dr. who was treating me for that said the same thing as the first Dr. Some people have a bad disc and feel no pain, others have nothing apparently wrong and they have pain. Dr.s can't predict or diagnose the causes of pain based on an X-ray or even an MRI.

I just watched a show about people with illnesses that the Dr.s couldn't identify. They sent them to psychiatrists thinking they were making it up.

Years later, the Dr.s/scientists discovered that these people had very real diseases causing their symptoms and now there are names for those diseases.

Fibromyalgia and Lupus are two diseases that used to be unknown and the Dr.s didn't believe the sufferers.


----------



## turnera

I was just going to suggest fibromyalgia. My DD28 started having weird symptoms when she was 12. Went to all kinds of specialists, NOTHING. All in her head, they all said. She was in pain all the time. Up, down, tired, sensitive, moving symptoms, nothing made sense. We had about given up. When she was 18, I took her to her pediatrician for the last checkup and she described some symptoms and the doctor sent her to a rheumatologist. Who took a few tests and, voila!, fibromyalgia. Back then, it was still considered quack science. But it has since held 100% true. Every bit of it. Sensitivity, muscle aches, nerves, you name it.

And I'll tell you one thing: it affects every aspect of her life. She never stops hurting. If you touch her arm, it stays red for hours. If the weather changes, she goes into a 'session' for a few days. And it really takes a toll on her life, her plans, her psyche. What I'm saying is, if this is it, don't underestimate the toll it takes on who she has become. It breaks my heart to see how my DD28 has had to adapt to her illness.


----------



## shesgone

turnera said:


> I was just going to suggest fibromyalgia. My DD28 started having weird symptoms when she was 12. Went to all kinds of specialists, NOTHING. All in her head, they all said. She was in pain all the time. Up, down, tired, sensitive, moving symptoms, nothing made sense. We had about given up. When she was 18, I took her to her pediatrician for the last checkup and she described some symptoms and the doctor sent her to a rheumatologist. Who took a few tests and, voila!, fibromyalgia. Back then, it was still considered quack science. But it has since held 100% true. Every bit of it. Sensitivity, muscle aches, nerves, you name it.
> 
> And I'll tell you one thing: it affects every aspect of her life. She never stops hurting. If you touch her arm, it stays red for hours. If the weather changes, she goes into a 'session' for a few days. And it really takes a toll on her life, her plans, her psyche. What I'm saying is, if this is it, don't underestimate the toll it takes on who she has become. It breaks my heart to see how my DD28 has had to adapt to her illness.


OH... I know it is completely possible to have undiagnosed injury/pain, but she can do anything she wants without a single complaint. From sports to picking up stuff that weighs 100lbs she doesn't complain once. It is only when somethign has to be done.


----------



## turnera

Oh. Then she's just spoiled.


----------



## shesgone

So final neurosurgeon consult revealed that she does have some joint damage, partly due to the injury partly due to age. Sending her for some special X-rays to check one more thing that doesn't show on an MRI. He started her on some anti inflamitory to see if that helps any. if not she said we have two option. 1. surgery but he doesn't want to go that route with her being so young. 2. try some type of injections to increase the space between her vertebrae. 

Counseling is going good. We talk alot more than we ever have about everything. 
I am slowly beginning to let things go a day at a time. I will never forget it all though. 

Counselor said that he thinks it was a combination of the things that happened to her when she was little and the things that her EX husband did abusing her that cause her to shut down and stop talking and hiding stuff. I hope the forward progress continues. If so we may actually be one of the successful couples. If not then at least I can say I tried everything in my power to fix what was broken no matter whos fault it was.


----------



## turnera

That's all very common.


----------



## red oak

shesgone said:


> I hope the forward progress continues. If so we may actually be one of the successful couples. If not then at least I can say I tried everything in my power to fix what was broken no matter whos fault it was.


Good for her. And you.
Everyone has things in the past that must be dealt with to have a successful marriage. If a couple can help each other work through them together it can make a marriage stronger in the end.


----------



## shesgone

Well, things seem to be continually getting better and better. 
She has still had no slips with lies, she continues to talk to me about more things, she is still attending therapy 2-3 days per week, and our sex life is back to normal (I guess she forgot about the cameras I had in the house and even caught her masterbating while I was at work on her days off, that hasn't happened in a long time, she did send me some pics though MMMM).
She went and got retested for herpes and the test came back negative this time which is weird, but I wanted her to get tested again because i have read alot about them coming back false positive. Either way that isn't really an issue.


----------



## turnera

Good time to start going to therapy together.


----------



## Rob_1

Seems that you guys will make it. I hope so. Just remember to show her your 
emotional support, so that she can see that you have her back. People that had gone through so much, like her need to feel/know that emotional support.


----------



## sokillme

OK I am late to this thread. 

All I can say is I own this bridge in Brooklyn that I a selling.

Seriously, even if you are not being played, which I suspect you are and quite expertly right into your KISA tendencies, there is very good chance that she will eventually return to patterns she has developed through her whole entire life. 

I hope I am wrong but I'm afraid you my friend are attempting to do the impossible. 

When you figure it out we will be right her trying to help you through it.


----------



## shesgone

sokillme said:


> OK I am late to this thread.
> 
> All I can say is I own this bridge in Brooklyn that I a selling.
> 
> Seriously, even if you are not being played, which I suspect you are and quite expertly right into your KISA tendencies, there is very good chance that she will eventually return to patterns she has developed through her whole entire life.
> 
> I hope I am wrong but I'm afraid you my friend are attempting to do the impossible.
> 
> When you figure it out we will be right her trying to help you through it.


LMAO if you are right sir, I know what I need and will do. Clock is still ticking away on divorce hearing. She still has 4 months and 2 days until court to keep her stuff together or I will proceed. 
I am still monitoring her truck with gps and AVR, her phone, even sent some recorders in her purse that she doesn't know about, just to see. I have hidden cameras on her truck recording every direction (yes I do that for a living somewhat). I have cameras around the house as well with audio recording and nothing that is even remotely close to talking to anyone else. 

Like I said from the time I made my decision. If she doesn't change I WILL FOLLOW THROUGH. SHe may change afterwards but I won't restart a clock, I will immediately file and end it.


----------



## BluesPower

shesgone said:


> LMAO if you are right sir, I know what I need and will do. Clock is still ticking away on divorce hearing. She still has 4 months and 2 days until court to keep her stuff together or I will proceed.
> I am still monitoring her truck with gps and AVR, her phone, even sent some recorders in her purse that she doesn't know about, just to see. I have hidden cameras on her truck recording every direction (yes I do that for a living somewhat). I have cameras around the house as well with audio recording and nothing that is even remotely close to talking to anyone else.
> 
> Like I said from the time I made my decision. If she doesn't change I WILL FOLLOW THROUGH. SHe may change afterwards but I won't restart a clock, I will immediately file and end it.


While I like the way that you have proceeded with this set of circumstances, so far she really seems to be towing the line. 

I think your strength and decisiveness is what woke her up to reality. 

I know it is too soon to tell, but I am really hoping that everything is on the right path...


----------



## shesgone

turnera said:


> Good time to start going to therapy together.


I have gone to a few sessions with her for the joint counsilling as time allows me to attend.


----------



## sokillme

shesgone said:


> LMAO if you are right sir, I know what I need and will do. Clock is still ticking away on divorce hearing. She still has 4 months and 2 days until court to keep her stuff together or I will proceed.
> *I am still monitoring her truck with gps and AVR, her phone, even sent some recorders in her purse that she doesn't know about, just to see. I have hidden cameras on her truck recording every direction (yes I do that for a living somewhat). I have cameras around the house as well with audio recording and nothing that is even remotely close to talking to anyone else.
> *
> Like I said from the time I made my decision. If she doesn't change I WILL FOLLOW THROUGH. SHe may change afterwards but I won't restart a clock, I will immediately file and end it.


It's interesting to me that just the bolded part of your thread isn't enough for you to know that your marriage should end? Is this really the life you wanted? Is this the person you want to tie your life to, someone who is so sketchy that you need to hide recording devices to make sure she will keep her word?

What is this relationship turning you into? You are now a husband who hid a camera in your wife's car. Is that the man you want to be?

Your marriage is toxic, she made it that way, but you are not playing into it because you are desperate to save something that from the outside doesn't look real great. 

Is this the life you want? Or are you afraid because it's what you know? From someone on the outside are you sure your not settling? Your wife should be your teammate not someone you have to monitor just to make sure she does the very basics like telling you the truth. 

It's your life. Doesn't sound like a fun one though.


----------



## shesgone

BluesPower said:


> While I like the way that you have proceeded with this set of circumstances, so far she really seems to be towing the line.
> 
> I think your strength and decisiveness is what woke her up to reality.
> 
> I know it is too soon to tell, but I am really hoping that everything is on the right path...


I agree. i am actually surprised and kind of impressed. I just hope she keeps it up.


----------



## shesgone

sokillme said:


> It's interesting to me that just the bolded part of your thread isn't enough for you to know that your marriage should end? Is this really the life you wanted? Is this the person you want to tie your life to, someone who is so sketchy that you need to hide recording devices to make sure she will keep her word?
> 
> What is this relationship turning you into? You are now a husband who hid a camera in your wife's car. Is that the man you want to be?
> 
> Your marriage is toxic, she made it that way, but you are not playing into it because you are desperate to save something that from the outside doesn't look real great.
> 
> Is this the life you want? Or are you afraid because it's what you know? From someone on the outside are you sure your not settling? Your wife should be your teammate not someone you have to monitor just to make sure she does the very basics like telling you the truth.
> 
> It's your life. Doesn't sound like a fun one though.


I agree wholeheartidly with what you are saying. And I will not live this way forever. 
I am simply monitoring from time to time during this period to make sure she has kept her word and has changed. 
Like I said the divorce clock is still ticking. She knows this. One little falter on her part and she knows it is immediate divorce. 
But to answer your question HELL NOT ITS NOT fun. 
I can walk away anytime I want, i have a Postnup signed and notarized, and i won't have a waiting period. 

I am no longer quiet about things I would have been in the past, I do things for myself (golfing, hunting, riding my motorcycles...), I make sure she does her part and I have remained supportive while still being stern and direct about things. 

SO answer to your other question or comment, NO I will not live like this for the rest of my life, either I begin to get some trust back or I don't and we divorce. I will never be misled again though for a single second and if I find out I have IT's Divorce.


----------



## sokillme

shesgone said:


> I agree wholeheartidly with what you are saying. And I will not live this way forever.
> I am simply monitoring from time to time during this period to make sure she has kept her word and has changed.
> Like I said the divorce clock is still ticking. She knows this. One little falter on her part and she knows it is immediate divorce.
> But to answer your question HELL NOT ITS NOT fun.
> I can walk away anytime I want, i have a Postnup signed and notarized, and i won't have a waiting period.
> 
> I am no longer quiet about things I would have been in the past, I do things for myself (golfing, hunting, riding my motorcycles...), I make sure she does her part and I have remained supportive while still being stern and direct about things.
> 
> SO answer to your other question or comment, NO I will not live like this for the rest of my life, either I begin to get some trust back or I don't and we divorce. I will never be misled again though for a single second and if I find out I have IT's Divorce.


It would seem more effective to do the monitoring a year an a half from now. Right now she is going to be motivated to be on her best behavior, which is why this is all SO hard.


----------



## As'laDain

This story sounds very much similar to my own...


----------



## shesgone

sokillme said:


> It would seem more effective to do the monitoring a year an a half from now. Right now she is going to be motivated to be on her best behavior, which is why this is all SO hard.



Well that makes complete sense. I am slacking off on the monitoring now a little more each week. 
When/IF she continues to progress, I will give it some time without monitoring. 
I will do so IF I get that gut feeling again that something is going on. 
However, IF i get that feeling again, there probably won't be any point in monitoring, It will be DIVORCE.


----------



## Chuck71

shesgone said:


> Well that makes complete sense. I am slacking off on the monitoring now a little more each week.
> When/IF she continues to progress, I will give it some time without monitoring.
> I will do so IF I get that gut feeling again that something is going on.
> However, IF i get that feeling again, there probably won't be any point in monitoring, It will be DIVORCE.


One can not love without trust.... well you can but it is a very unhealthy love.

How does your stomach feel when you check these devices?


----------



## shesgone

Chuck71 said:


> One can not love without trust.... well you can but it is a very unhealthy love.
> 
> How does your stomach feel when you check these devices?


It doesn't feel good, to even have to be here in the first place. To be with someone you don't trust is hard. 
It gets easier and more reassuring every time I DON'T find anything hidden. 

I would rather find out that a lot of it is mistrust now than to reconcile and find out in 2-3 years she was putting on a show. Also like I said when I made my decision and I told her, if I cannot get past this and trust her again, there is no need in me wasting either one of our lives together and we will just divorce.


----------



## TAMAT

Do you trust her enough that if you were in a coma you could trust her to handle your affairs for you?


----------



## turnera

What's the worst that can happen? We're in first world countries. No matter how bad things get, we have food, jobs, a home, medical security....time for perspective.


----------



## shesgone

TAMAT said:


> Do you trust her enough that if you were in a coma you could trust her to handle your affairs for you?


Nope, i don't trust anyone but my parents that much. They are the executor of my will and living will, and if my daughter is 25 she is the executor. If something happens to all of them, then my attorney is my executor. All my money, companies, and real estate go into a trust for my daughter and wife with age restrictions and withdrawal limitations. Any debt is paid first and no more than 8% can be withdrawn per year. The companies already have a first right of refusal contract, so they don't have to deal with that or worry with trying to sale or run them. I have had it set up that way since my daughter was born 16 years ago.


----------



## shesgone

I am sure I sound like and a-hole to some, but I will protect whats mine and what I built from the ground up. All of this is protected from any contest in court as I have a post nup with my wife in place.


----------



## Chuck71

shesgone said:


> I am sure I sound like and a-hole to some, but I will protect whats mine and what I built from the ground up. All of this is protected from any contest in court as I have a post nup with my wife in place.


Not at all an ahole. Very sound plan you have. You're wading in waist deep water and just saw a 

shark fin. You got out...now you're wading back in. Anyone would have the gitters. 

What is the line in sand for her? Catching her having sex? Kissing? Setting up an affair?

Or just trolling for guys?


----------



## shesgone

Chuck71 said:


> Not at all an ahole. Very sound plan you have. You're wading in waist deep water and just saw a
> 
> shark fin. You got out...now you're wading back in. Anyone would have the gitters.
> 
> What is the line in sand for her? Catching her having sex? Kissing? Setting up an affair?
> 
> Or just trolling for guys?


Any of the above, but simple enough ONE SINGLE LIE about anything no matter how insignificant. I don't lie, no matter how bad the truth may hurt. I tell her everything in complete truth, I expect the same in return and will get it or I am done. I will not spend my life guessing. To add to that, I won't deal with a sexless marriage or a marriage that I feel like my needs aren't taken care of because I take care of all hers. 
This has taught me life is too short to waste worrying and wondering. Divorce is easy, been there done that, Marriage is not and I'll be damned if I am going to spend it with someone that makes it even harder. 

BUT... keep in mind I did not catch her in an affair.... I suspected it but never really found anything to prove it. That is the only reason I kept monitoring her. Talking to opposite sex doesn't bother me, IF I TRUSTED HER. I do, but I have never given any reason for her to doubt me.


----------



## sokillme

Chuck71 said:


> Not at all an ahole. Very sound plan you have. You're wading in waist deep water and just saw a
> 
> shark fin. You got out...now you're wading back in. Anyone would have the gitters.
> 
> What is the line in sand for her? Catching her having sex? Kissing? Setting up an affair?
> 
> Or just trolling for guys?


More like he got out of a "pool" that he saw a sharks fin in. 

Sharks still in there though.


----------



## sokillme

shesgone said:


> Any of the above, but simple enough ONE SINGLE LIE about anything no matter how insignificant. I don't lie, no matter how bad the truth may hurt. I tell her everything in complete truth, I expect the same in return and will get it or I am done. I will not spend my life guessing. To add to that, I won't deal with a sexless marriage or a marriage that I feel like my needs aren't taken care of because I take care of all hers.
> This has taught me life is too short to waste worrying and wondering. Divorce is easy, been there done that, Marriage is not and I'll be damned if I am going to spend it with someone that makes it even harder.
> 
> BUT... keep in mind I did not catch her in an affair.... I suspected it but never really found anything to prove it. That is the only reason I kept monitoring her. Talking to opposite sex doesn't bother me, IF I TRUSTED HER. I do, but I have never given any reason for her to doubt me.


Marriage is a hell of a lot easier then the one you are in now I can tell you that. 

What happens if it comes out 20 years from not your suspicions were true?

I hope you are not one of these guys who years later when things are not better and you are still in pain and full of doubts is going to feel like he wasted his potential.


----------



## Kamstel

Just checking in on you. How are you doing?


----------



## shesgone

Kamstel said:


> Just checking in on you. How are you doing?


Im doing good. Still wondering from time to time, but getting better every day.


----------



## Kamstel

That is great. Just keep moving forward, one step at a time. And don’t worry when you occasionally take 2 steps backwards. The key is that you are moving toward the exit from the hell she has put you in

I hope she has legitimately and permanently changed, but I’m also impressed with you attitude in dealing with her.

I wish you continued luck and strength


----------



## shesgone

Kamstel said:


> That is great. Just keep moving forward, one step at a time. And don’t worry when you occasionally take 2 steps backwards. The key is that you are moving toward the exit from the hell she has put you in
> 
> I hope she has legitimately and permanently changed, but I’m also impressed with you attitude in dealing with her.
> 
> I wish you continued luck and strength


I hope she has to but you never know until it is too late. I will continue to keep my attitude and head straight dealing with all of this. My head is out of the sand and I am fully aware of everything now.


----------



## shesgone

Well, i guess I now have a decision to make about the whole ordeal. I think I am just going to go ahead and push through with the divorce. I don't really need an explenation from her or any made up stories about what was said. 

So for the past 3 days my wife has been in a class out of town. Only got to talk to her 3 times a day for like 10 minutes. (she was home at night). So I needed to ask her some important stuff about my stepsons insurance Monday. She text saying she was going to lunch so i asked the questions. She didn't answer for almost 50 minutes. She did this crap 3 days in a row so i questioned her about it every day. 

So I swapped AVR's this morning and just finished listening to them. Yesterday, she called a female friend on the way to the class and told her I had gotten upset about her not answering me. They proceeded to cuss me for almost an hour between the two of them. At one point my wife said "I dont' know if this MF thinks i am afraid to leave his ass or what but I am not I promise I am done with his ****". Today at lunch she came by to pick me up to go eat, and I asked her. "so youre not afraid to leave me? " She said I have never said that to which I replied OK and just let it go. At this point I figure there is no need in getting my BP up and arguing. So that is pretty much 2 times I have heard her tell different friends she isn't afraid to leave me. Once was When all this blew up about 4 months ago and one was yesterday. 

So i believe it is time to just have her served and follow through with the divorce. I won't tolerate this any longer. So anyone that has read this, yall were right and I was wrong.


----------



## Nucking Futs

shesgone said:


> Well, i guess I now have a decision to make about the whole ordeal. I think I am just going to go ahead and push through with the divorce. I don't really need an explenation from her or any made up stories about what was said.
> 
> So for the past 3 days my wife has been in a class out of town. Only got to talk to her 3 times a day for like 10 minutes. (she was home at night). So I needed to ask her some important stuff about my stepsons insurance Monday. She text saying she was going to lunch so i asked the questions. She didn't answer for almost 50 minutes. She did this crap 3 days in a row so i questioned her about it every day.
> 
> So I swapped AVR's this morning and just finished listening to them. Yesterday, she called a female friend on the way to the class and told her I had gotten upset about her not answering me. They proceeded to cuss me for almost an hour between the two of them. At one point my wife said "I dont' know if this MF thinks i am afraid to leave his ass or what but I am not I promise I am done with his %hit". Today at lunch she came by to pick me up to go eat, and I asked her.* "so youre not afraid to leave me? " She said I have never said that to which I replied OK and just let it go.* At this point I figure there is no need in getting my BP up and arguing. So that is pretty much 2 times I have heard her tell different friends she isn't afraid to leave me. Once was When all this blew up about 4 months ago and one was yesterday.
> 
> So i believe it is time to just have her served and follow through with the divorce. I won't tolerate this any longer. So anyone that has read this, yall were right and I was wrong.


Missed your chance to drive a wedge between her and her friends. Next time you're tempted to say something like that when she denies it say "that's not what <friends name> said."


----------



## shesgone

Funny how things can change in just a few short minutes isn't it? I had listened to almost 6 hours of audio when i had made my next to last reply. I was about to just delete the last hour or so of recordings and something told me to listen to it.


----------



## TAMAT

shesgone,

Is this how you should be treated after only 2 or so years of marriage.

The recording of her calling you a MF seals the deal, she has no respect for you and dosen't even see her putting your health at risk as an issue. Nor did she see putting your daughters dads health at risk as a issue which is even more troubling.

Divorce and don't look back.


----------



## shesgone

TAMAT said:


> shesgone,
> 
> Is this how you should be treated after only 2 or so years of marriage.
> 
> The recording of her calling you a MF seals the deal, she has no respect for you and dosen't even see her putting your health at risk as an issue. Nor did she see putting your daughters dads health at risk as a issue which is even more troubling.
> 
> Divorce and don't look back.


That is where i am at. Glad I didn't stop the proceedings. Now I have 18 days to have her served to keep from moving the court date.


----------



## Adelais

So sorry for your pain, but so glad you know the truth. She has been faking it. Any woman who loves and is devoted to you wouldn't talk like that behind your back. Wow. Just wow. Does she use those foul words all the time or only when she is talking about you?

The next time, you won't have to listen to hours of VR recordings. I bet you're glad you don't have to play policeman anymore.


----------



## sokillme

shesgone said:


> Funny how things can change in just a few short minutes isn't it? I had listened to almost 6 hours of audio when i had made my next to last reply. I was about to just delete the last hour or so of recordings and something told me to listen to it.


No offense man but nothing changed but your perception. Most of us here knew who she was. That is really what you need to be working on.

I get it it's easy to put people on a pedestal when we love them but it's not healthy and it doesn't lead to a good relationship. It's also easy to let love cloud your perceptions of who you are really married to but you need to guard against that. 


Better to say, yes this is who they are and I am overlooking this ---(here is the important part)-- unless they start to do this. Depending on what it is this is at least survivable. What you shouldn't do it pretend like the faults are not there, or worse take ownership of that persons faults. 

Anyway lesson learned.


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## Adelais

sokillme said:


> No offense man but nothing changed but your perception. Most of us here knew who she was. That is really what you need to be working on.d.


This is true, but he is the one who loves her and had hopes for a future with her. Giving her a few months to prove that she has or hasn't changed didn't cost him much in the long run.

He can look himself in the mirror and know that he gave her every chance he could. She only has herself to blame for the failure of the marriage. He is not a quitter, and he isn't stupid either.


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## shesgone

This may be an ******* thing to do, but....... She had no idea it was coming today. 

So Im having her served at work today in front of all her co workers after I go pick her truck up at her office in a little while. 
Me and 4 of my employees went to my house this morning and boxed up all her stuff and put it in the garage. 
We cleaned out her drawers, her closet, her makeup drawers, all her pictures she brought into the marriage, the few pieces of furniture she brought, and her jewelry box (minus the jewelry I had bought her). I left a note on it that said "I hope you enjoyed the ride, I hope you learned some lessons, I hope no one ever has to deal with your lying and deception again. OH and by the way, I called all your ex BF's and told them to go get tested." "I also called your ex husband and he will be keeping yall's children since you have nowhere to live. Also you will be receiving a call from your mom and dad who are not very happy with you at all." "All your friends that you felt the need to talk bad about me to all know the truth now as well" "PS don't come looking for us this weekend we will be off enjoying what is ours, after I see you at YOUR company Christmas party tonight if you show up, since the owner of your company (a good friend and customer of mine) said I'm still more than welcome to come." I left her children's Christmas presents wrapped under my tree, and plan to give them to each of them myself without her around. I feel really bad for them because they will deal with this crap from now on with her. 

Me and my daughter are going to stay at our house on the beach this weekend and do some boating and fishing if it isn't too cold. And that is where I am going to give her my STBXW's new jeep grand Cherokee for her 16th birthday, 3 days late. I've already discussed all of this with my attorney and since the post-nup specifically mentioned everything I am well within my rights to do what I am doing with the property. 

I am no longer mad or sad. I am relieved. I no longer have to worry or watch my back. I will let the attorneys handle it all and have as little involvement as humanly possible. I plan to never have communications with her in the future. Insurance agents have already been contacted and they are changing my trusts and wills and beneficiaries as we speak. I closed our joint banking account and canceled her card and checkbook on my account. I am going to take the next two years of my daughter in high school to plan my life and find happiness. Hell i may never get married again, and just take my chances of catching HSV from random women, HAHAHA. After all I am still young at 37 years old. 

Thanks to you all for the support and understanding. I wanted it to turn out different but it is what it is. Nothing I can do now but wait out the court date for finalization. 

Ladies and gentlemen, listen to the posters on here. Do not question what they tell you. As harsh as it may be I would take a wild guess that 95% of the time they are right on with the relationship prognosis and how it will end. Luckily I didn't have but 2 months more invested in trying to give it a last shot. DO NOT waste your time with someone you cannot trust 100% of the time. Life is too short for such nonsense.


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## sokillme

Well that was a fast switch. 

Because it was so fast I would be prepared to have some mixed feelings still. Just hold the course.


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## turnera

Well, what happened?


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## jlg07

shesgone said:


> Funny how things can change in just a few short minutes isn't it? I had listened to almost 6 hours of audio when i had made my next to last reply. I was about to just delete the last hour or so of recordings and something told me to listen to it.


So, what was the last hour or so of the recording? You heard in earlier parts of her bad-mouthing you. What did you hear in the last hour?


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## Chuck71

OP..... you ever watch Intervention? Notice how the addict knows JUST what to say, to satisfy their

enabler(s). It's a skill set. A skill your WW had down pat. A parent / child dynamic in a M rarely works out.

Kudos for keeping the clock running on the D filing. This is the reason I wish the D was already set

in motion. She had to win you back... so that clock could have already started.

Her true colors would have shown eventually but it's best you saw them early. Be prepared for blowback,

she will meltdown historically. The meltdowns are even scripted.... keep us posted.


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## shesgone

jlg07 said:


> So, what was the last hour or so of the recording? You heard in earlier parts of her bad-mouthing you. What did you hear in the last hour?


That is when she started cussing me. In 5 minutes of that phone call with her friend, I had heard enough and started making phone calls to my attorney.


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## shesgone

My daughter and i had a great time this weekend. I have not talked to nor seen my wife. She wasn't at her christmas party and I told her boss/my friend everything. He was not very happy and she may not have a job after all this is done. 
Emotionally I am fine, I pretty much knew how it would end and I had prepared myself for it. Even if I didn't want to admit it deep down, i knew the entire time.


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## 3Xnocharm

Very impressive, sir, well done.


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## jlg07

shesgone said:


> My daughter and i had a great time this weekend. I have not talked to nor seen my wife. She wasn't at her christmas party and I told her boss/my friend everything. He was not very happy and she may not have a job after all this is done.
> Emotionally I am fine, I pretty much knew how it would end and I had prepared myself for it. Even if I didn't want to admit it deep down, i knew the entire time.


So you haven't seen/heard from your wife since you had her served?? Did her boss say anything about what happened there when she WAS served?
Did she come and get her stuff yet?

Sorry that it turned out this way... I bet SHE's sorry (or soon will be) -- not that she'd probably ever tell you that.


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## [email protected]

OK, shesgone. Good job. I'm really happy for you. Continue the good work.


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## MattMatt

shesgone said:


> This may be an ******* thing to do, but....... She had no idea it was coming today.
> 
> So Im having her served at work today in front of all her co workers after I go pick her truck up at her office in a little while.
> Me and 4 of my employees went to my house this morning and boxed up all her stuff and put it in the garage.
> We cleaned out her drawers, her closet, her makeup drawers, all her pictures she brought into the marriage, the few pieces of furniture she brought, and her jewelry box (minus the jewelry I had bought her). I left a note on it that said "I hope you enjoyed the ride, I hope you learned some lessons, I hope no one ever has to deal with your lying and deception again. OH and by the way, I called all your ex BF's and told them to go get tested." "I also called your ex husband and he will be keeping yall's children since you have nowhere to live. Also you will be receiving a call from your mom and dad who are not very happy with you at all." "All your friends that you felt the need to talk bad about me to all know the truth now as well" "PS don't come looking for us this weekend we will be off enjoying what is ours, after I see you at YOUR company Christmas party tonight if you show up, since the owner of your company (a good friend and customer of mine) said I'm still more than welcome to come." I left her children's Christmas presents wrapped under my tree, and plan to give them to each of them myself without her around. I feel really bad for them because they will deal with this crap from now on with her.
> 
> Me and my daughter are going to stay at our house on the beach this weekend and do some boating and fishing if it isn't too cold. And that is where I am going to give her my STBXW's new jeep grand Cherokee for her 16th birthday, 3 days late. I've already discussed all of this with my attorney and since the post-nup specifically mentioned everything I am well within my rights to do what I am doing with the property.
> 
> I am no longer mad or sad. I am relieved. I no longer have to worry or watch my back. I will let the attorneys handle it all and have as little involvement as humanly possible. I plan to never have communications with her in the future. Insurance agents have already been contacted and they are changing my trusts and wills and beneficiaries as we speak. I closed our joint banking account and canceled her card and checkbook on my account. I am going to take the next two years of my daughter in high school to plan my life and find happiness. Hell i may never get married again, and just take my chances of catching HSV from random women, HAHAHA. After all I am still young at 37 years old.
> 
> Thanks to you all for the support and understanding. I wanted it to turn out different but it is what it is. Nothing I can do now but wait out the court date for finalization.
> 
> Ladies and gentlemen, listen to the posters on here. Do not question what they tell you. As harsh as it may be I would take a wild guess that 95% of the time they are right on with the relationship prognosis and how it will end. Luckily I didn't have but 2 months more invested in trying to give it a last shot. DO NOT waste your time with someone you cannot trust 100% of the time. Life is too short for such nonsense.


 @shesgone This could be where the phrase: "The truth will set you free" comes from?


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## MattMatt

shesgone said:


> My daughter and i had a great time this weekend. I have not talked to nor seen my wife. She wasn't at her christmas party and I told her boss/my friend everything. He was not very happy and she may not have a job after all this is done.
> Emotionally I am fine, I pretty much knew how it would end and I had prepared myself for it. Even if I didn't want to admit it deep down, i knew the entire time.


Some people might think that would be wrong of her boss. But the point here is this: Boss will be thinking: "Hmmm. If the man she says she loves can't trust her, then why would I, the man who is only her employer, dare to trust to? After all, I mean nothing to her, and he was supposedly the man who she wanted to be with forever."


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## arbitrator

*She's obviously a prevaricator of the worst magnitude! You've never been #1 in her life ~ only some kind of Plan B!

Liars would prefer to lie when the absolute truth would sound better!

If you haven't done so already, you should be doing or have done a full exploratory with legal counsel to offer protection for your legal and monetary rights!*


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## shesgone

Update. I been really busy dealing with everything. To answer a previous question, I don't know where she went and what she was doing this weekend and do not care. Not my problem any longer. 
I sat down and talked to her for few minutes. I told her I just can't do it anymore and obviously she can't either. 
First thing she said "what about my kids" I said well that's all on you now, good luck with that. 
She is staying with a friend for now. She knows she messed up, but I informed her over and over again its too late to do anything about it now. I told her I am done talking and walked off. I refuse to let her drag me down anymore in any way.
Her dad came to the house last night to get her stuff. He and i talked in detail and he apologized and said "you're not the first one". I explained to him its not your fault that she is a damn adult and is capable of making her own decisions. We had a drink and he left. 

As far as her boss, he can't fire her right now because of the ongoing workers comp stuff. That's a different story when its done. Plus I asked him not to until all this is over. 

I am still doing good, holding my ground, and doing my best to put this crap in the past. I sat her sons down and told them everything with her mother. They were very upset, but understood.


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## 3Xnocharm

You are doing awesome, and it sounds like you have the respect of her dad for sure. 

How did all this go down, did she come home and find her stuff outside with a note, or...?


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## shesgone

3Xnocharm said:


> You are doing awesome, and it sounds like you have the respect of her dad for sure.
> 
> How did all this go down, did she come home and find her stuff outside with a note, or...?


Yes. She came in Friday night and found her stuff in the garage. My daughter and I were long gone before that though. 
It hurts, but I didn't do this. I did everything to help her and it didn't work. No respect for her or her behaviors. It is all her fault not mine.


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## Chuck71

shesgone said:


> Update. I been really busy dealing with everything. To answer a previous question, I don't know where she went and what she was doing this weekend and do not care. Not my problem any longer.
> I sat down and talked to her for few minutes. I told her I just can't do it anymore and obviously she can't either.
> First thing she said "what about my kids" I said well that's all on you now, good luck with that.
> She is staying with a friend for now. She knows she messed up, but I informed her over and over again its too late to do anything about it now. I told her I am done talking and walked off. I refuse to let her drag me down anymore in any way.
> Her dad came to the house last night to get her stuff. He and i talked in detail and he apologized and said "you're not the first one". I explained to him its not your fault that she is a damn adult and is capable of making her own decisions. We had a drink and he left.
> 
> As far as her boss, he can't fire her right now because of the ongoing workers comp stuff. That's a different story when its done. Plus I asked him not to until all this is over.
> 
> I am still doing good, holding my ground, and doing my best to put this crap in the past. I sat her sons down and told them everything with her mother. They were very upset, but understood.


The way you handled this.......reminded me of how my pop would do when it was "balls to the wall" 

When she asked -what about my kids- THAT showed you something more unnerving than her

own actions. Beyond putrid


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## shesgone

Chuck71 said:


> The way you handled this.......reminded me of how my pop would do when it was "balls to the wall"
> 
> When she asked -what about my kids- THAT showed you something more unnerving than her
> 
> own actions. Beyond putrid


I mean wtf else was I supposed to say? Oh lemme shell out another $50k to fight for your kids again... I didn't learn my lesson the first time? LOL More like... Im going to tell you ex everything and be a witness in his case, so these pour souls never have to go through this crap again BECAUSE OF YOU.

I gave her every chance to change. I fooled myself and kept my head in the sand, even when i thought it wasn't and she was getting better. Never again. From now on I come first, my feelings come first, my gut comes first. I will not be mislead again. I will grow from this and not repeat the same mistakes again.


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## Chuck71

shesgone said:


> I mean wtf else was I supposed to say? Oh lemme shell out another $50k to fight for your kids again... I didn't learn my lesson the first time? LOL More like... Im going to tell you ex everything and be a witness in his case, so these pour souls never have to go through this crap again BECAUSE OF YOU.
> 
> I gave her every chance to change. I fooled myself and kept my head in the sand, even when i thought it wasn't and she was getting better. Never again. From now on I come first, my feelings come first, my gut comes first. I will not be mislead again. I will grow from this and not repeat the same mistakes again.


People like her prey on people, like you, with a giving heart. It hurts when you give your all and....

are only to realize the persona that person / she gave... was an illusion. She bandaged herself up

super tight so you couldn't see the red flags, bombarded you with more sex than you could ever imagine,

and.... used her kids to tug at your heart. A complete POS. I hope the kid's father gets them. 

Lil story.... My D was final in early 2013. I dated UG for almost two years. I sent her packing.

I too got the "you're not the first" but not from her dad. But from her daughter's H. Sad.

People like you OP, you give....and want to get in return. Her.... get, get, get.

The only thing she gave you was a bag of rocks.


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## 3Xnocharm

Her kids should have always been front and center in her mind... she should have always been aware of the fact that her actions would have an effect on or consequences for the kids. You may love them, but they are NOT your responsibility at all any more. Makes me sad for them, and its all on their mom.


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