# So you married a sexually boring person who is bad in bed....



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

My question to you is why? Other than people who waited for marriage, why would you marry someone who has hardly any interest in sex and doesn't care about your needs? 
I just see this a lot. Did their looks outweigh the lack of sex? Did you think you could change them?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## didadi (Mar 12, 2012)

there is something called "luck"


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Huh?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

I will say that I lived with my husband and had sex with him before we were married. I knew what I was getting into, and I'm lucky that we are both have hi-drives.

I think people marry people who are lo-drives because they think that the person might change in the marriage. Something about them might spark a change in the other person's attitude about sex. The other person might wake up one morning and crave self all the time.

In actuality, they won't change for their husband or wife. A person can go to a therapist to see what is wrong. A man can go to the doctor if he has low testosterone. But, ultimately, the person will want to change.

It's why I think you need to test the ride before you buy. A person must have frank, honest conversations about sex to make sure that each other is sexually compatible.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

diwali123 said:


> My question to you is why? Other than people who waited for marriage, why would you marry someone who has hardly any interest in sex and doesn't care about your needs?
> I just see this a lot. Did their looks outweigh the lack of sex? Did you think you could change them?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because I didn't see it as him not caring about my needs. I was head over heels for him and unfortunately completely blind to the fact that he was not that interested in me. I thought I should just try different things - I thought it was me. I didn't see it as trying to change him; i saw it as trying to bring it out in him. Stereotypes led me to believe that he could not possibly not want sex. No one talks about the guys who don't want sex. ALL guys want sex ALL the time - that's all you hear. I'd dated a lot and had never encountered this problem. A lot of men marry LD women and feel they have to deal with it because "that's just how women are". But when it's the guy...you're just left speechless. 

Some of life's lessons just have to be learned the hard way.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

I think in most cases, it's bait & switch. I don't think most were that way before marriage. And over time things happen. You get comfortable, sexual tension eases. Money problems come up, and other stresses. Kids come into the picture, etc.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

bait and bit*ch....i mean switch!


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## Mr steal your girl (Aug 11, 2012)

Some men are desperate for social reasons. If a man marries a woman and he knows she's bad in bed its usually because that woman ups his social status and he has put her on a pedastal that he will forgive her of all her faults. Then some men are so desperate to be with a woman that anyone will do so he will look over her faults as well just to say he is in a marriage. Then there are men that marry a woman that is very conservative and bad in bed, but will have countless women on the side because he sees his potential wife as a loyal and faithful woman.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

diwali123 said:


> My question to you is why? Other than people who waited for marriage, why would you marry someone who has hardly any interest in sex and doesn't care about your needs?
> I just see this a lot. Did their looks outweigh the lack of sex? Did you think you could change them?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My STBXW was my first serious relationship, and first sexual partner. So I'm claiming ignorance. We HAD sex before getting married, but I really didn't know any better. And then eventually, as is often the case, the frequency started getting measured in weeks and then months in between... The vanilla/boring part never changed, to be fair to her. Oral for her, missionary for me and her, then she was good till whenever.

Sexually, my GF is the other end of the spectrum, and much more in line with my desires. 

C


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

diwali123 said:


> My question to you is why? Other than people who waited for marriage, why would you marry someone who has hardly any interest in sex and doesn't care about your needs?
> I just see this a lot. Did their looks outweigh the lack of sex? Did you think you could change them?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 My husband and I lived together and had sex before we were married. If things were then as they are now, I would not have married him. 

Granted sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, but it is pretty damn important to me. We would have been way to Incompatible. 

What is that saying? If you have a good sex life sex is only 10% of the relationship. If you have a bad sex life or not getting it, it is 90% of the relationship. Well hate to say it, but it is so true.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

my husband's second wife was amazing in bed, even stole him from his first wife this way. She was kinky, voyeuristic, you name it. Once she married him, she stopped COMPLETELY. Some people just have bad luck!

Personally I think that whole situation is hilarious and both of them deserved their misery but I digress...


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> My question to you is why? Other than people who waited for marriage, why would you marry someone who has hardly any interest in sex and doesn't care about your needs?
> I just see this a lot. Did their looks outweigh the lack of sex? Did you think you could change them?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For me, several reasons.

First, there was some bait and switch going on. Everyday for the first 6 months, then it tailored off. I don't use that as a complete excuse though, because I seen the drop off occurring well before I got married to her.

For me, I think it was a combination of a lot of other things. Family pressure was one. I did try and leave her once, but my dad and mom gave me a stern talking too. I don't think I was very smart about how I handled things at the time, or about how I explained things either, and without my family backing, I felt compelled to go back. So that was part of it. 

Another part was she got pregnant. Stupid, I know, but that was a reason as well.

A bigger part of it all though was the fact I honestly didn't think I could do better. Things are easier now, the internet is everywhere, forums like these exist, it's easier to find people to talk to who don't know you (which eliminates the fear of being judged). I don't even think we had internet access at home when we got married. 

I will also say low self esteem played a part in it as well.

So a variety of reasons. None good in hindsight, but at the time, they made a lot of sense.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Drover said:


> I think in most cases, it's bait & switch. I don't think most were that way before marriage. And over time things happen. You get comfortable, sexual tension eases. Money problems come up, and other stresses. Kids come into the picture, etc.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

This is such an issue and its amazing to read all of these posts. Im in a similar situation and trying to work through my thoughts, desires, and some type of plan of action. 

Do you lower your sexual needs to those of your partners and just be happy with what you have?

As long as your needs are within reason I dont think so. I just dont think it should be that way. My viewpoint is this: Given that you both are capable sexually of satisfying each other as you have in the past why does it slow? Why does the one action that brings you closer together, feels as good as anything we can do, relaxes us, produces all sorts of healthy benefits including a great caloric burn and all the other benefits, suffer?? 

I liken it to eating a meal. Yeah food out of the box is ok but I would much rather have a nicely prepared meal that is healthy and share it with the one I love. That said, I ate that meal more than 8 hours ago...so its time to eat again! lol. 

Not saying I need it every 8 hours, but why is it such a struggle for many woman to comprehend the needs of their mates? And why, when its so wonderful as described above, dont they want it more??


Im not certain but believe if you polled happily married couples that have a complete relationship you would see they have a very active sex life and the woman in that relationship are a HUGE part of continuing that healthy sex life.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I don't see a ton of people around here saying that their spouse was always super LD, and they married them anyway.

The most common story is from people who say their spouse had a decent to even high drive pre-marriage, and then that all fell away eventually during the marriage.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Hence the jokes about what wedding cake does...


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

I'll chime in.. when My Ex was my girlfriend and we initiated sex for the first time, She wasn't my first.But I was hers..I would say first and only, but I'm not sure I am..

I had to teach her everything about sex. I was experienced and she wasn't...Literally had to teach her everything.. as we progressed she got very into it and started initiating and coming up with interesting places to have sex..We started having sex outside and on the hood of my car, on the highway.. I mean we did it every chance we could and then some..

When we got married, on our honeymoon, the sex didn't stop at all.. On the balcony, hot tub, bed, floor, bathroom, closet..etc..etc..

then we got home and slowly but surely over the first 2 years she stopped initiating and stopped doing the stuff she said she liked..She 'forgot' how to do certain things and yet asked for them..This is when the activities that she said she loved yet, always 'forgot' how to do, became fights..

She's the only person I know of that could piss me off so much, I'd rather stop and walk away than continue..

She just stopped all together and if I didn't start, we'd never have sex.. The ONLY times she'd intitiate is when I was asleep and had a boner...she'd do everything she claimed she 'forgot'..until I'd wake up and then she'd stop...


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

hotdogs said:


> my husband's second wife was amazing in bed, even stole him from his first wife this way.


That concept, that you can "steal" somebody's spouse or lover, always gets under my skin. It suggests that the person, typically a man, doesn't have full control of his faculties, and on some level isn't responsible for his actions.

It's right in line with that stupid saying "I trust my husband, but it's other women I don't trust".


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

jaquen said:


> That concept, that you can "steal" somebody's spouse or lover, always gets under my skin. It suggests that the person, typically a man, doesn't have full control of his faculties, and on some level isn't responsible for his actions.
> 
> It's right in line with that stupid saying "I trust my husband, but it's other women I don't trust".


Agreed.

The only two reasons the husband would even get involved is if he's either a serial cheater (a compulsion/disorder/whatever you want to call it) or there are serious problems in the marriage, often sex related issues. 

If he was truly happy and wasn't a serial cheater, why would he even look?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

the thing that get me is that in the vast majority of the time the high drive spouce has tried to comunicate that they need more and the low drive seems to be clueless and say things like I just have a low drive or I don't know whats wrong.

but I think they know whats wrong they either don't want to hurt someones feeling or they like having the power to refuse anytine they want. or their unrealistic expactations arn't being met so they punish their mate by with holding.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Cyclist said:


> Im not certain but believe if you polled happily married couples that have a complete relationship you would see they have a very active sex life and the woman in that relationship are a HUGE part of continuing that healthy sex life.


I actually don't think it has anything to do with how active the sex life is.

I think the poll is most likely to reveal happier couples have _comparable_ drives. It is quite possible to have a very happy marriage if both partners are equally as uninterested in sex.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

jaquen said:


> I actually don't think it has anything to do with how active the sex life is.
> 
> I think the poll is most likely to reveal happier couples have _comparable_ drives. It is quite possible to have a very happy marriage if both partners are equally as uninterested in sex.


Maybe. That said, 'active' can be open to interpretation as well, and maybe a couple that has sex once a month, to them that is active as that's all they want.

I think Cyclist is more correct though, as I think most couples have unequal sex drives. The gap might not be much, but any gap can cause issues. Those couples who work towards meeting each others needs sexually are the couples that will work out more often.

That said, the couples that work towards meeting each others sexual needs are also the type of couples that will likley work on meeting each others overall needs as well outside the bedroom, so the real reason for the successful mariage more likely lies in the fact the couple is willing to work together on all things, not just sex.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I guess I just get confused and a little annoyed because when my h and I were first together it was wonderful and after the wedding dropped way off, he stopped going down even though he used to love it, etc. we are in MC and working in low T. 
I see quite a few posts by mostly men complaining that they married a vanilla LD woman and they don't understand why she doesn't change. I just don't get that mindset. 
Recently I've had a lot of exposure to married couples with a lot of money and I get the feeling there is a lot of "trophy wife" stuff going on. Like they marry for money and looks and then later the guy realizes what he got himself into and regrets it. 
Just wondering what the impetus is. 
Had I know my h was like this thumgs would have been different. Honestly I don't know if I would have fallen for him because sex is such a big part of emotional connection for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

Aside from differences in drive.... does anyone elses spouse just purely suck in bed?

My husband isn't so great..but I married him anyway. Thank goodness for sex toys, I couldn't get off without them!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

No mine is amazing when he's into it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Nope..My husband is great in bed..No complaints..


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

None here!

Complaints that is


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

jaquen said:


> That concept, that you can "steal" somebody's spouse or lover, always gets under my skin. It suggests that the person, typically a man, doesn't have full control of his faculties, and on some level isn't responsible for his actions.
> 
> It's right in line with that stupid saying "I trust my husband, but it's other women I don't trust".


It's just an expression!


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

Don't have any complaints. He learned the things that my body likes. My husband's a fast learner.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

hotdogs said:


> It's just an expression!


It's an expression that's indicative of a very real, very prevalent mentality.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Women like 'projects', someone to fix. Men are lazy and overestimate their own appeal.

That's why.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Cyclist said:


> This is such an issue and its amazing to read all of these posts. Im in a similar situation and trying to work through my thoughts, desires, and some type of plan of action.
> 
> *Do you lower your sexual needs to those of your partners and just be happy with what you have?*
> 
> ...


*
*

I agree!


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## snipey (Aug 16, 2012)

well I was lead to believe that things were going to get better and that she needed the security of marriage and it would prove how much I love her and she would then open up sexually more to me.
Basically gave me lots of reasons why things would be so much better if we were married.
Also I love her very much ,but if I knew then what I know now would I still go through with it? probably not.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

I fell in love, didn't seem to be a big problem at the time. Is a huge problem years down the track though when he makes no effort to change things


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

snipey said:


> well I was lead to believe that things were going to get better and that she needed the security of marriage and it would prove how much I love her and she would then open up sexually more to me.
> Basically gave me lots of reasons why things would be so much better if we were married.
> Also I love her very much ,but if I knew then what I know now would I still go through with it? probably not.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

diwali123 said:


> My question to you is why? Other than people who waited for marriage, why would you marry someone who has hardly any interest in sex and doesn't care about your needs?
> I just see this a lot. Did their looks outweigh the lack of sex? Did you think you could change them?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The problem is it usually NEVER happens that way. It's almost always bait and switch.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

givin the choice,i think my wife would choose root canal surgery over sex. sould of married a blow up love doll.


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## LoveYourself (Aug 19, 2012)

67flh said:


> givin the choice,i think my wife would choose root canal surgery over sex. sould of married a blow up love doll.


Yikes!

Well I haven't decided to tie the knot yet, nor will I if it doesn't work out, not to be harsh but I don't want to end up hating someone I care a lot about. 

I suppose most people just think the awesome sex would happen more often and it didn't and it's like being stuck on a desert island with that one friend, for a long long time.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

67flh said:


> givin the choice,i think my wife would choose root canal surgery over sex. sould of married a blow up love doll.


You still could. Marrying a love doll wouldn't count as bigamy!


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## Gorky75 (Aug 22, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> My question to you is why? Other than people who waited for marriage, why would you marry someone who has hardly any interest in sex and doesn't care about your needs?
> I just see this a lot. Did their looks outweigh the lack of sex? Did you think you could change them?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think people somehow think it will change. Usually does, but the wrong way.


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> My question to you is why? Other than people who waited for marriage, why would you marry someone who has hardly any interest in sex and doesn't care about your needs?


From the perspective of the person who is probably the one that's not so good in bed... (me) I can tell you that my W's ex husband was all about experimenting and adventure and adding more and more bodies to the scene... 

She says she wanted out of that lifestyle. So when we began seeing each other, I was exactly what she wanted: reserved, un-adventurous, and not very demanding. This isn't to say that I was exactly _bad_ in bed, because she never complained, until recently. 

Her complaints now are more focused on mixing things up and not being as 'boring'. If one considers boring as bad... then, well... I guess I'm bad.

So, she had her reasons then, and now her reasons and feelings have changed, and I haven't. It's an issue. We're working through it. She is, however, in her mid forties now and I'm hoping this sudden shift in libido may be some sort of pre-menopause phase... and I can ride the storm out.

So, I can see lots of reasons, and some of them may just be changes in physical being as we age.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Sexually boring and bad in bed are skills that are either learned or not learned. No one comes into the world being a cyborg sex demon. They had someone teach them. The real point is why are they boring and indifferent? Why are they uninterested in not being uninteresting? Why is mediocrity good enough?


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## Kearson (Jan 18, 2012)

When STBXH and I were first together, the sex was amazing! Marathon sessions, quick recovery times, he would do anything and everything I could come up with. After a few years, he just stopped being interested for whatever reason (I still don't know why). 

I would have sex daily if I could. STBXH can now go months without it and not care. If I had known he would go down hill so fast and not care to fix it, I wouldn't have married him.


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> The real point is why are they boring and indifferent? Why are they uninterested in not being uninteresting? Why is mediocrity good enough?


I read this post several times trying to figure out what you were saying. The problem I think I had was with the 'real point' being boring and indifferent... 

I got stuck looking at 'boring' 'indifferent' 'uninteresting' 'mediocrity' and 'good enough' and assigning each of these terms to be entirely subjective. What may be boring to one person, might not be so to the next... and so on.

So I stepped back and re-read your post looking for the intent of the post at large (the forest instead of the trees) and I think what your saying is that the 'real point' might have more to do with causation? The Why of what one person does or behaves? 

I would have to agree with you that causation is most certainly a very valid point! 

However, trying to understand why any one particular individual might have causation to become 'more' experienced with one single human experience over any other particular human experience... that (to me) is a really big mystery! 

I just don't know.

=)


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

MrVanilla said:


> I just don't know.
> 
> =)


What I was getting at is that most people know they're good or bad at something. Or you can tell them. It's not much of mystery. The real problem is why some people are indifferent to that? You tell them you'd like such and such, tab a into slot b, put your hand here, move your tongue like this etc etc and they DON'T? And they DON'T care that you told them and they ignore it anyway? 

That kind of insufferable laziness is, well, insufferable. Because bad sex isn't less work than good sex for people having sex. It's just worse.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> What I was getting at is that most people know they're good or bad at something. Or you can tell them. It's not much of mystery. The real problem is why some people are indifferent to that? You tell them you'd like such and such, tab a into slot b, put your hand here, move your tongue like this etc etc and they DON'T? And they DON'T care that you told them and they ignore it anyway?
> 
> That kind of insufferable laziness is, well, insufferable. Because bad sex isn't less work than good sex for people having sex. It's just worse.


I agree with most of this. I feel that indifference to your partner's wants demonstrates something more than sexual drive, either selfishness, egocentrism, or lack of feeling for your partner. 

But bad sex can be somewhat less physical work and a whole lot less mental work. I assume it is easier to have something done to you that you find unpleasant or unappealing rather than taking the reins and putting on a show.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

MrVanilla said:


> However, trying to understand why any one particular individual might have causation to become 'more' experienced with one single human experience over any other particular human experience... that (to me) is a really big mystery!
> 
> I just don't know.
> 
> =)


Because some come with increased benefits over the other?

Sex for example, if you make your partner happy by learning something they want to do, he/she in turn will likely be a better overall life partner back.

It's why more people would rather learn to get experienced at skydiving than at doing the dishes. Yes, doing the dishes is more practical, but which one can be veiwed as a more life enriching experience?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

MrVanilla said:


> However, trying to understand why any one particular individual might have causation to become 'more' experienced with one single human experience over any other particular human experience... that (to me) is a really big mystery!
> 
> I just don't know.
> 
> =)


I think if one has arrived at the point of needing to even ask what their motivation is for becoming a greater lover to their spouse, then there are indications that the ship has already sailed in that relationship and is long gone.


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## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

I think people in general and women more so than men are encouraged to downplay the importance of good sex. They think well he/she has all of these good qualities so I should over look the bad...infrequent etc sex. The idea that sex is sinful and that anyone who think about or wants sex a lot has issues is prevelant. Plenty of people in low or no sex marriages will state the spouse calling them a pervert or accuse them of being obsessed with sex. There is a notion that the person who thinks about it less is more noble. 

I think my husband had this issue of shame. If we did it 2 times in a week he felt like he was being a horndog and his attitude toward me was I was too horny and he felt uncomfortable with my hd. Meanwhile he was masturbating because the urge was definitely there. We're working on it. He still thinks 3-4 times a week is a lot! He gets giddy like we've been so naughty. 

I'm working on him...he doesn't know I've got it in me to do it everyday if I could get it. I'm just glad for the 3-4 times week and him getting over the period thing...Instead cups are awesome.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Married a LD wife..and as great as everything is..the sex part makes me repent against her good qualities..its like "why the **** cant you just try half as hard in bed as you do in being nice and pleasant?!?!"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Ayla said:


> I think people in general and women more so than men are encouraged to downplay the importance of good sex. They think well he/she has all of these good qualities so I should over look the bad...infrequent etc sex. The idea that sex is sinful and that anyone who think about or wants sex a lot has issues is prevelant. Plenty of people in low or no sex marriages will state the spouse calling them a pervert or accuse them of being obsessed with sex. There is a notion that the person who thinks about it less is more noble.
> 
> I think my husband had this issue of shame. If we did it 2 times in a week he felt like he was being a horndog and his attitude toward me was I was too horny and he felt uncomfortable with my hd. Meanwhile he was masturbating because the urge was definitely there. We're working on it. He still thinks 3-4 times a week is a lot! He gets giddy like we've been so naughty.
> 
> I'm working on him...he doesn't know I've got it in me to do it everyday if I could get it. I'm just glad for the 3-4 times week and him getting over the period thing...Instead cups are awesome.


An ex-friend of my wife's was like this. She actually judged OUR sex life. They use to be pretty frank about their sex lives, and during a particularly high point for she and I, my wife excitedly told the friend that the sex was happening even more frequently between us, and the quality as amazing. The ex-friend proceeded to basically imply that we were nymphomaniacs for having sex 4/5 times a week.

Then again, it was more than likely deep resentment. She is married to a very nice, but super obese husband. They were only in their very early 30's, but the sex had dwindled down to once a month, per his desire. The larger he got, the less sex he wanted. He eventually ended up just getting her the Playboy channel and telling her she needed to take care of herself.


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

When my wife and I were dating, she was inexperienced in bed but wanted so badly to learn. Her main motivation was not to loose me. She said that in so many words. She initiated, wanted to try different things, dressed in lingerie, was in the process of getting over her insecurities. Once married, over a short course of time all that vanished. Classic example of bait and switch. 

For years I would hope everyday we might have sex, as vanilla as it has become, just to be disappointed more often than not. Much more often. A few months ago I changed my attitude in that I have just concluded we won't. She will not show me any true affection. A peck on the lips doesn't cut it. She doesn't like touching me during sex, she doesn't do foreplay on me, etc. My wife thinks most things around sex is disgusting. My semen is battery acid to her. Get she tells me over and over she loves me. She has a weird way of showing it. 

If tomorrow she felt threatened that I wasn't happy and was considering divorce, I'm sure she would be open to new things but she'd be doing it out of desperation and not desire. If there is no desire then it's not worth it to me. 

Anyway, that's my story again. I've been contemplating divorce but the price is so high. I just don't mean dollars. 

Good thread though!


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

jaquen said:


> Then again, it was more than likely deep resentment. She is married to a very nice, but super obese husband. They were only in their very early 30's, but the sex had dwindled down to once a month, per his desire. The larger he got, the less sex he wanted. He eventually ended up just getting her the Playboy channel and telling her she needed to take care of herself.


Super obese really can't get it up and if they do it is not for long, i think they are swimming in oestrogens from all that fat, plus they have their real love which is food, who could compare to a chocolate éclair. 

I am going back to sensual, hot, steamy, dirty, lusting sex.


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