# Finding the right person after a failed marriage



## RainDrizzle (Mar 13, 2014)

I was married once at a very young age to my first boyfriend against my family's advice. Big mistake. Luckily I didn't have kids from that short marriage and I divorced him when I caught him cheating. (He was sleeping with the cashier girl at our local supermarket. And all those times when I'd shop at the supermarket and say hi to that cashier girl not knowing my husband sees her behind my back. Ha stupid me.)

Anyway I got out of that marriage and I was dating different guys for a while before I met a guy that developed a very deep mental connection with me; we have so many common interests and we can have endless conversations. Let's call him Guy A for now.

I was in a relationship with Guy A for almost 2 years and moved in with him. We had some physical chemistry at the beginning and by the end of the 2 years, I felt like he became more of a best friend / roommate. I don't feel physically attracted to him anymore and feel reluctant to have sex. We still have very strong mental connection and I enjoy being with him. But I broke up with Guy A because the physical attraction wasn't there.

After Guy A, my friend introduced me to Guy B, whom I had an instant and strong physical attraction with. He is very athletic and that is something that I've always wanted in a partner physically as I am a very fit person that loves sports. I later dated Guy B for almost a year. Sex was great with him and I have never been so physically attracted to a boyfriend before. However, we don't have a very strong mental connection; we share some interests, but not that many compared to Guy A. Occasionally I can feel a bit bored talking with him. I broke up with Guy B because he was moving to another state for a job and I didn't want long distance.

Months go by and Guy A started to pursue me again when he found out that I broke up with Guy B. And to my surprise, Guy B just moved back to my city. So now I am stuck in a very difficult situation. I still have feelings for both Guy A and B even though I am not in a relationship with either of them. Maybe because I had a failed marriage, I question every thing and I am so scared of making a wrong choice. It is not fair to them that I have feelings for both. I have thought about letting both go. But I just can't  I want to make a decision and stick with it and to think only of one person from now on. 

If you want to criticize me simply because I am comparing 2 guys, please know that I am ashamed for having feelings for both guys. But I have made it clear to them the existence of the other guy and the fact that I need some time to choose the person I want to be with for a very long time. Please do not tell me that neither is good for me and that I should let go of both. I am aware that a perfect partner does not exist as no one can be perfect. There has be compromise, but I just want to pick the person that would be the most compatible with me in the long term such as a marriage. 

*If you didn't have physical attraction with your boyfriend / husband, can it be changed later on? Or if you don't have much mental connection, can it be cultivated? I would really appreciate any advice. And it would be even better if you can provide some insight from your own marriage or relationship experiences. Thank you!*

Just a recap:

Guy A -- Strong mental connection & many common interests, Weak physical attraction, Humble & loyal, Extrovert, Family not too friendly towards me

Guy B -- OK or so-so mental connection & some common interests, Strong physical attraction, Humble & loyal, Semi-introvert, Family very friendly and loves me


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## LifeIsAJourney (Jan 24, 2013)

I would pick Guy C. 

The reasons you had for breaking up with both Guy A and Guy B still exist.

Are you in some kind of a hurry to get married? Take it from me, you don't want to settle for less than the total package.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Indeed, find Guy C that combines aspects of both A and B.

However, any choice is a compromise between who is a good match for you and who you can attract. Apparently you can attract men on a connection/intellectual level and on a physical level, so you should be able to hold out for one who has all the key traits. You don't need to settle for either at this point, unless there are other constraints involved.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

I've tried re-run relationships. Waste of time. I quit them or they quit me, for a reason.


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## RainDrizzle (Mar 13, 2014)

Thanks for the advice, LifeIsAJourney. I married straight out of high school. But this is years later after the divorce. I feel that I am a more mature person now. I just completed my Masters, I have met so many people that inspired me and I have gained a lot of social experience. Right now, I am a very different person than the naive young girl who married her first boyfriend. I am aware of not settling for less and striving for the best. But the harsh reality is that there is no such thing as perfect. I am lucky enough to actually have met 2 guys that are incredibly loyal and honest (since my ex-husband cheated, I have developed a high sensitivity for detecting guys that are dishonest). I dated enough guys after my first husband to know how rare the loyal & honest quality is. After working so hard towards my education and career, I just want to have a family again, someone to come home to and share a bed with. It is not something to rush into, but I also know that if I don't snatch up a good guy, there might not be any left


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

RainDrizzle said:


> But the harsh reality is that there is no such thing as perfect.


Correct, but there is perfect "for you". 

Guy C is my choice here, too. Good luck!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Sounds to me like you are losing interests with these men and soon as the "love" hormones subside and in that case neither case is love. You have ended both relationships, why go back to either?


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## LifeIsAJourney (Jan 24, 2013)

You take a carton of milk out of the refrigerator. It smells spoiled. You put it back in the refrigerator. If you take that carton of milk back out of the refrigerator tomorrow will it be any less spoiled?

In my case, I went for Guy B. There was a lot of physical attraction between us but, sad to say, after 26 years that has faded. Now our son is pretty much all we have in common. 

Marriage is hard. You need both a mental and physical connection from the outset. Don't settle.


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

If there's any decision to be made between the two, then both are wrong. Agree with everyone else. Keep looking, give it more time.


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## RainDrizzle (Mar 13, 2014)

Thank you all for the advices. I didn't listen to my family at all when I first got married out of high school. I have learned a great deal since then I especially valued my family's input on my relationship. My big sister is 36 and 8 years older than me; she is also a very successful business woman. She is the ambitious and never settling for less type. Never got married and had sperm donor to get pregnant when she was 35. She told me that she hasn't found the right person yet and that she just wanted to have a kid now while she is still at a good fertile age. I admire my sister, and she prob reflect what some of you have said. She didn't settle for any of those eligible bachelors and insisted on only marrying when she found the perfect guy for her. But that's just not me. I want a husband, a family to have kids. 

On the other hand, I have my mom, who tells me that a woman should not be too picky and that waiting too long will only bring the fate of living to be old and single, only then it'd be too late. (heh perhaps her way of not wanting me to end up like my sister unmarried with a kid) My mom insists that a right choice is picking someone who loves you more than them. Whatever that means. My parents are still married after 40 years. 

My parents have met both Guy A and B by the way. And they liked both. My mom is silly and she likes Guy B better because she thinks he's more handsome and that she will have really good looking grandchildren. I am not taking her advice on Guy B to heart lol. Anyway enough about my family. I really wish there is a Guy C out there. But I have never met a Guy C. And I don't know how much longer I have to wait. And I dread the day when I become an old cat lady and no one would want me at that age  If speaking purely from a logical perspective, wouldn't it be best to pick between 2 good choices instead of waiting for a 3rd best choice that might never come?


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

The mindset of a "perfect" person out there is dangerous in my opinion. Everyone can seemingly be incompatible with oneself if you look hard enough. People will never be 100% happy and in sync every second of the day, no way. Love is compromise and love is seeking to be the best you can be for yourself and for your marriage. Period. Choices on who's the right person shouldn't be based on "but can I do better?" alone, it should be based on how you feel about that person.

So, in your instance, I see a difference in why you broke up with each person. Guy A you broke up with because you didn't feel the physical spark between you two. Guy B you broke up with because he moved. I assume that if Guy B didn't move, that you wouldn't have broken up with him, correct? That stands out to me right away. Guy A you seemed to have a problem with as a characteristic, Guy B it was just the circumstance that was the issue. So now that Guy B has moved back, the issue is resolved, I get why your mind is thinking about him. But what about Guy A, why suddenly are you considering him again? That's what I don't get. Nothing has changed with him, from what I gather. So why is he suddenly a choice again?

But even with Guy B, you said you were with him for a whole year, and then broke up because of distance. Had the relationship not grown strong by then? Was "I love you" expressed? Or what made you not want to continue the relationship enough to pursue a long distance relationship with a man that you had been with for a year? It's totally ok that you didn't want a long distance relationship, I'm just trying to gage your reasonings.

Your Guy A and Guy B descriptions somewhat describe my 2 most serious relationships, except the introvert/extrovert and family thing are flip flopped. My ex boyfriend, whom I was with for many years, I didn't really find that physically attractive. I found him cute because I loved him. He was very philosophical like me, and we had great, deep conversations. Our situation became crazy in the end, but I don't think that matters for the example. Anyways, the attraction thing never really resolved itself. 

Then I met my husband. Complete opposite of my ex for many reasons. One of them being that my husband is extremely attractive, nice body, takes care of himself. But he is not a deep thinker like me, so mentally connecting is difficult. We have our issues as well, but perhaps not pertinent to the example either. Even when I hate him, I'm always thinking in my head "dang, why does he have to be so darn handsome??" Legit. Dang him. haha. 

Ultimately, you just have to realize there is rarely a "full package." Or maybe it seems like at first, but then there are issues down the road with them that you cannot predict. Judging your situation, and for reasons I said earlier, I think that Guy B would be the guy that you would pursue of the 2. You broke up with Guy A for finite reasons that haven't changed. Guy B perhaps you would still be with had he not moved.


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## RainDrizzle (Mar 13, 2014)

Thank you Adeline for the insight. I left Guy A because of the lack of physical attraction. And I left Guy B partly because of the distance, but mostly because I don't feel a deep mental connection with him. I think the long distance had speed up my decision to break up because of the existing issue of the mental connection. Your experience is indeed somewhat similar to my current situation. So I guess you are currently happy with your choice of being with the better looking guy that you have more physical chemistry with? 

I understand that a balance of physical and mental chemistry are needed. Guy A really is the only guy that I've had so much common interests with to the point that I never got bored talking with him even once in 2 years. That is the only reason I can't let go of Guy A. Because looks will eventually fade when you age and by then the shared interests are probably what would keep the couple together. Yet no matter how hard I try, I couldn't bring myself to have passionate sex with him. I am ashamed to admit it, but sometimes I feel disgusted having sex with him  Makes me feel like a horrible person. 

There seem to be only 3 major interests that are shared between Guy B and I . We work out together, we listen to the same music and we watch movies together. There isn't much beyond that. Guy B and I have great sex. I don't know if that is lust and if that will ever go away. I was never in a longer than 3 years relationship to determine how far will physical attraction fade. 

*Has anyone here encountered anything similar in their relationship/marriage experiences? If you picked a physically attractive or mentally attractive guy, did you regret it and how did it turn out?*


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

RainDrizzle said:


> I understand that a balance of physical and mental chemistry are needed. Guy A really is the only guy that I've had so much common interests with to the point that I never got bored talking with him even once in 2 years. That is the only reason I can't let go of Guy A. Because looks will eventually fade when you age and by then the shared interests are probably what would keep the couple together. Yet no matter how hard I try, I couldn't bring myself to have passionate sex with him. I am ashamed to admit it, but sometimes I feel disgusted having sex with him  Makes me feel like a horrible person.


I'm just curious why you find him sexually unappealing. Is it his body? The way he has sex with you? He's prudish...what is it? 



RainDrizzle said:


> *Has anyone here encountered anything similar in their relationship/marriage experiences? If you picked a physically attractive or mentally attractive guy, did you regret it and how did it turn out?*


Prior to meeting my husband, I had a serious relationship with another college student. We were in the same foreign language class. He pursued me. I liked him. We had great conversations. He took me to really off-beat film festivals. He came from an intact family very similar to mine. He was planning to go to law school. But I just didn't find him all that sexually attractive and I couldn't see myself with him long-term. I liked him, I liked his company, I cared for him, but having sex with him wasn't something I really wanted to do. Eventually I broke up with him around the time I started noticing another man (my husband).

My husband elicited a far different reaction than my previous boyfriend. I would have put out on the first date had I not been a little conservative at the time. That's how different the physical chemistry was with him. He had the look that works for me. He still does. His family and his background are very different from mine. I don't think any dating service would necessarily match us up. My husband is similar to your Guy B, but lucky for me he has as strong mental connection with me. We could have conversations about anything without getting bored. He also has the same sense of humor. We've been together now for 20+ years.

If it were me, and the choices were purely between Guy A and Guy B, not some mythical Guy C you may or may not ever meet, I would pick Guy B. You may inspire him to take more of an interest in certain topics you like. You can always find intellectual stimulation in book clubs, online message groups, other friends in real life. It's very hard to find a sexual spark where none exists. The key though is do you respect him or do you look down on him in any way for not having the same intellectual interests you do? If there's any disrespect or elitism on your part, let Guy B go, but don't go back to Guy A either.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

RainDrizzle said:


> Thank you all for the advices. I didn't listen to my family at all when I first got married out of high school. I have learned a great deal since then I especially valued my family's input on my relationship. My big sister is 36 and 8 years older than me; she is also a very successful business woman. She is the ambitious and never settling for less type. Never got married and had sperm donor to get pregnant when she was 35. She told me that she hasn't found the right person yet and that she just wanted to have a kid now while she is still at a good fertile age. I admire my sister, and she prob reflect what some of you have said. She didn't settle for any of those eligible bachelors and insisted on only marrying when she found the perfect guy for her. But that's just not me. I want a husband, a family to have kids.
> 
> On the other hand, I have my mom, who tells me that a woman should not be too picky and that waiting too long will only bring the fate of living to be old and single, only then it'd be too late. (heh perhaps her way of not wanting me to end up like my sister unmarried with a kid) My mom insists that a right choice is picking someone who loves you more than them. Whatever that means. My parents are still married after 40 years.
> 
> My parents have met both Guy A and B by the way. And they liked both. My mom is silly and she likes Guy B better because she thinks he's more handsome and that she will have really good looking grandchildren. I am not taking her advice on Guy B to heart lol. Anyway enough about my family. I really wish there is a Guy C out there. But I have never met a Guy C. And I don't know how much longer I have to wait. And I dread the day when I become an old cat lady and no one would want me at that age  If speaking purely from a logical perspective, wouldn't it be best to pick between 2 good choices instead of waiting for a 3rd best choice that might never come?


Hello Rain,

I think you are overthinking this.
Personally I don't believe in " finding the right person " , but rather ,being the right person.
I like to make things simple.
Look for the person who's crazy in love with you , and who will worship the ground you walk on. Know what I mean?

Very unlikely you would find someone flawless after being with them over a long period, but you compromise. You learn to love them even with their flaws and shortcomings.

But first , you must have a mental picture of what _real love _actually looks like. Chemistry and attraction are a dime a dozen , it comes and goes . Real love , 
Stays.

Look for a man who genuinely loves you .


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

caribbean man said:


> hello rain,
> :iagree:
> I think you are overthinking this.
> Personally i don't believe in " finding the right person " , but rather ,being the right person.
> ...


*what he said!!!!*


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

I think what you do is go with your gut ... in my struggling sexless EA laced marriage (4 out of 21 yrs) I knew we would be ok because of the person I married I never had any doubt we would work it out...eventually.

I was not in love with her initially so so physical attraction but she blossomed into a knockout and she was into me. Mentally she was there already...with many talents.

So while you may not start with the perfect choice just make sure your core must haves are there. For me I needed a woman as smart as I was in different ways, I needed someone sure of herself and decent looking. At the start.

As for looks she was fine and then blossomed into fabulous..she is a complete knockout today and looks 15 years younger than she is...sometimes acts 25 years younger.

So go with your gut and understand it is usually a work in progress and that the perfect ones will show their flaws later. Trust your gut and live with that choice.

Now after divorce its harder... usually the pool are retreads. So its imperative you ferret out the riff raff.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

RainDrizzle said:


> *If you didn't have physical attraction with your boyfriend / husband, can it be changed later on? Or if you don't have much mental connection, can it be cultivated? I would really appreciate any advice. And it would be even better if you can provide some insight from your own marriage or relationship experiences. Thank you!*


I am in the school of thinking of NO. I don't think either of these things can be "created" especially when you already have known the person and it didn't yet happen. 
It is either there or it isn't.



RainDrizzle said:


> *Has anyone here encountered anything similar in their relationship/marriage experiences? If you picked a physically attractive or mentally attractive guy, did you regret it and how did it turn out?*


I have been with both, and at the same time (hey now, ti was the same guy who was attractive mentally and physically to me). I wouldn't call our relationship a "failure" eventhough it ended because it was my longest/most sustainable relationship and it just had it's chapter and ended.

As far as future relationships. I don't know... I have been married and divorced now and marriage really terrifies me. Truly. It is not something I think I would want to do again. As for meeting the "right" person... I don't even know if I believe in that anymore. I don't believe in soulmates at all. It seems we are here for a time and eventually all relationships end, be it through choice or death. I say just enjoy your life. I don't think marriage is for everyone, or relationships. I will always feel very blessed that I got to experience my marriage w/ my ex husband because I know some people never fall in love and some never get married. I got to experience both. That makes me happy. 

Maybe neither of these guys is it for you since you're still questioning it. And I personally think without the ZOOM/passion feeling, that a romantic relationship is pointless. It's that delicious feeling you get for your partner that separates that particular relationship from a platonic one. By the same token, if you can't feel mentally stimulated by your partner (or rather, if you think they are dumb/not on your level/get you) then I can't see how that would be lasting either. Finding both together is the hard part.


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## RainDrizzle (Mar 13, 2014)

This an update on my original post:

I have decided to picked Guy B. That was a month ago, but I couldn't help but feel a deep sadness for letting Guy A go. I have read other forums/threads and articles online. It seems that it is normal to get depressed after letting go of someone you love, but it is necessary in order to move on. It was actually very easy for me to move on after my first marriage because I caught my ex-husband cheating, so I lost all love and respect for him and didn't care about him anymore. But right now, even though I am with Guy B, I get so incredibly sad for letting go of Guy A. I still care and love him so much. I sometimes even cry at work and had to go to the bathroom to hide it when I thought about how hurt Guy A felt when I let him go and felt extremely guilty.

At first I thought it could be a sign that I should be with Guy A instead if I feel this bad. But I still can't find Guy A physically attractive and don't want to imagine us doing anything sexual. A the same time, when I spend time with Guy B, I keep noticing how little common interests I have with him. I sometimes even feel a tiny bit of regret for picking Guy A

I know some of you have said to just leave both Guy A and B since I am not 100% satisfied with either. But I have tried and couldn't; I also know that I will unlikely meet another guy as good as either one of them. I have dated a lot after my first marriage and I feel that I have experience in judging a guy's character. 

Guy A is one of the most honest guy I have ever seen. One time after we left the restaurant, he realized that the cashier forgot to include an appetizer and charged him $6 less when he looked at the receipt before throwing it out the same day. He actually drove back to the restaurant to pay them back $6. Anything close to lying makes him very nervous and stammers so he can't lie at all. He is also incredibly loyal and caring. One time I got pissed at him for still talking to his ex-girlfriend, he actually went and deleted her phone number and deleted her on facebook the next day even though I didn't ask for it and was quite surprised that he would go this far to make sure I wouldn't get upset about it anymore. And when he though his attractive female coworker was making a move on him, he declined her request to hang out. I actually joked and said that maybe she is just being friendly and doesn't have any intention. He said that even if she doesn't have any intention and just want to be friends, it is not right to hang out with her if he can sense a little bit of interest from her. So with a good guy like Guy A, I shouldn't take him for granted and just stick with him, right? Even if I feel the mental connection is lacking, but the fact that this is one of the rare good guys that treat me so well, I shouldn't be picky, right? 

How do I deal with feeling depressed about letting Guy B go and missing him?? Am I wrong to let go of Guy B who has an almost soul mate like strong mental connection that makes me feel so comfortable and can talk / do anything with him and always have fun?? I am really just venting I guess. Deep down I know I have to deal with my conflicted feeling personally and no one can fully understand my feelings and decide for me. But I would appreciate any opinions / insights, thank you.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> I think what you do is go with your gut ... in my struggling sexless EA laced marriage (4 out of 21 yrs) I knew we would be ok because of the person I married I never had any doubt we would work it out...eventually.
> 
> I was not in love with her initially so so physical attraction but she blossomed into a knockout and she was into me. Mentally she was there already...with many talents.
> 
> ...


I believe the best bet after a failed marriage or a relationship is a good FWB who is not predatory towards you. Someone you can trust and regain your faith in your attraction and your sex will help you along in life and keep you from focusing on the past.

If it developes to more than that, fine, but it should never be forced.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Why do you have to pick Guy A over Guy B? After all, you still have feelings for A.

Why do you have to choose either?

I agree 100% with what others have stated here. I think you would be doing yourself a HUGE favor to consider dating, looking at what is out there in the dating pool, and waiting for Guy C.

After all, what's the hurry to pick from just two men at this time?


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## RainDrizzle (Mar 13, 2014)

Prodigal said:


> Why do you have to pick Guy A over Guy B? After all, you still have feelings for A.
> 
> Why do you have to choose either?
> 
> ...


I know I don't have to choose either. But like I said, I have experienced a lot of dating in the past as well as a failed marriage. I know how rare it is to find a good guy. There can be guys that seem like good guys but when faced with temptation or after a long time of being together can change or do not so nice things. Here is a guy that has the family upbringing, the personality and the principles that show a very strong sign that he is the kind of guy to never lie or cheat and will always dedicate his best to loving me. So I am lucky to have met him and I shouldn't be take him for granted. Yet the mental connection is just so average and it doesn't help that I have another guy who I have amazing mental connection with to compare to. 

There is no hurry I guess. But I am not exactly young either and I do have the desire to have kids soon. Do I spend years trying to find a possibly non-existent person that has incredible physical and mental connection with me as well as good guy characteristics? I am also realistic and know that I am no supermodel...I am just a plain girl and above average at best. Do I really have the luxury to cruise the market and believe that I will find a Guy C eventually?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

RainDrizzle said:


> I know I don't have to choose either. But like I said, I have experienced a lot of dating in the past as well as a failed marriage. I know how rare it is to find a good guy. There can be guys that seem like good guys but when faced with temptation or after a long time of being together can change or do not so nice things. Here is a guy that has the family upbringing, the personality and the principles that show a very strong sign that he is the kind of guy to never lie or cheat and will always dedicate his best to loving me. So I am lucky to have met him and I shouldn't be take him for granted. Yet the mental connection is just so average and it doesn't help that I have another guy who I have amazing mental connection with to compare to.
> 
> There is no hurry I guess. But I am not exactly young either and I do have the desire to have kids soon. Do I spend years trying to find a possibly non-existent person that has incredible physical and mental connection with me as well as good guy characteristics? I am no supermodel...I am just a plain girl and above average at best. Do I really have the luxury to cruise the market and believe that I will find a Guy C eventually?


You need to appreciate that people who have been single for years are so because they choose to be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

One guy is an alpha male, one guy is a beta male. The man you're looking for is a strong and healthy balance of both. 

You must also be the right person to find the right person. Don't hurry, as you can never intentionally find the right person. 

Sounds to me you are mentally trying to get guy A and B to mix together so you've already given us your own answer. Keep looking. He'll chase you until your catch him.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> If speaking purely from a logical perspective, wouldn't it be best to pick between 2 good choices instead of waiting for a 3rd best choice that might never come?


I actually groaned when I read this.

The answer is no....you should never compromise, especially after a divorce. You should learn to have the courage to be alone and content with yourself rather than settle for being forever unfulfilled.

First thing you need to understand is what your core needs are. And then do not ignore any of them.

What happens when you ignore your core needs is that over time, the thing you're ignoring starts SCREAMING and getting louder and louder. You can't overcompensate in another area, you need to meet or exceed all your needs. For instance, you pick a guy is really kind and nice but doesn't meet your sexual needs. I guarantee that over time, your sexual needs will become disproportionately important to you and you're going to have a rough time ignoring them.



> The mindset of a "perfect" person out there is dangerous in my opinion. Everyone can seemingly be incompatible with oneself if you look hard enough.


I completely disagree with this. I find it ironic that people spend more time analyzing how to buy a vacuum cleaner than they do picking a partner.

You should have a list of requirements...that simple....and you should find someone that meets those requirements. I guarantee you that if you don't do that, you will spend the rest of your partnership with someone who you really can't connect with in some critical areas and those areas will become a huge deal.

It is a miserable, crappy life when you're with the wrong person. After divorce, I honestly would have been perfectly fine with being single and being happy with myself if the perfect guy hadn't come along.

I will NEVER settle again...no one should.



> There is no hurry I guess. But I am not exactly young either and I do have the desire to have kids soon. Do I spend years trying to find a possibly non-existent person that has incredible physical and mental connection with me as well as good guy characteristics? I am also realistic and know that I am no supermodel...I am just a plain girl and above average at best. Do I really have the luxury to cruise the market and believe that I will find a Guy C eventually?


lol...What is your expectation? Nothing worth having is ever easy...it takes a methodology and time. And yes, you should have the courage to potentially be single rather than take the chance that you could make the mistake of picking the wrong partner to spend your energy and your time on. There is no worse thing you can do to yourself and your future children than having them with the wrong guy. Trust me, I did that and I truly wish that I had had the foresight that I have now.

You don't have to be physically perfect to deserve to be with someone who has the characteristics that you need to feel fulfilled and content with your partner. You just need to understand who you are...and you need to find out the person that can help enhance who you are.

I cannot understand people who after divorce, make exactly the same mistakes. I just don't get it.

There is a person out there for you. When you're with him, you'll know you're with the right person because together you will be greater than the sum of your parts....you won't be trying to make up for each other's deficiencies and you won't be trying to ignore the gaps that are needling you on a daily basis.

Have the courage to wait and be satisfied with yourself until you find the right guy. *Stop trying to frost a turd*...its a recipe for disaster.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

For me, core values were the highest on my list. Next was communication and willingness to work through things. I have always been more attracted to the inside than the outside. You are making excuses for settling for either of these guys and it's unlikely to work out in the long run. The initial butterfly phase should slow in a normal relationship and you get to a deeper love and appreciation for each other. I'm not saying you lose all attraction but it fluctuates. Good luck to you


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## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

RainDrizzle said:


> I was married once at a very young age to my first boyfriend against my family's advice. Big mistake. Luckily I didn't have kids from that short marriage and I divorced him when I caught him cheating. (He was sleeping with the cashier girl at our local supermarket. And all those times when I'd shop at the supermarket and say hi to that cashier girl not knowing my husband sees her behind my back. Ha stupid me.)
> 
> Anyway I got out of that marriage and I was dating different guys for a while before I met a guy that developed a very deep mental connection with me; we have so many common interests and we can have endless conversations. Let's call him Guy A for now.
> 
> ...


Who makes more money or has more financial potential? LOL

Actually, neither sounds good to me. 

You sound young and should allow yourself to find a guy who you are very attracted to both physically and mentally. I have both with my current boyfriend, and I wouldn't want to be with a guy who I didn't want to go to bed with or look at admiringly in a physical way, and I wouldn't want to be with a guy who I am bored speaking with.


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## WallaceBea (Apr 7, 2014)

Fall in love with yourself first, before you go looking for your next great love. I'm serious. Take yourself out on a date, take yourself out on a second date, romance yourself and make love to yourself and do it again and again until you can look yourself in the eyes and say "I love me, I deserve the best and nothing but the best". And then carry on dating yourself and being your own best friend. Then you will not need to worry about finding the right person. The right person will find you when you've found yourself.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

RainDrizzle said:


> How do I deal with feeling depressed about letting Guy B go and missing him?? Am I wrong to let go of Guy B who has an almost soul mate like strong mental connection that makes me feel so comfortable and can talk / do anything with him and always have fun?? I am really just venting I guess. Deep down I know I have to deal with my conflicted feeling personally and no one can fully understand my feelings and decide for me.


I think the most troubling thing about this is that you "chose" yet are still referring to the other as "soulmate." which means you are not sold on your choice. 

Only time will tell how this will shake out.

It does seem like you just wanted to be in a relationship, no matter what, so you "had" to choose-or rather, that is what you think. Some folks don't like being single and I get that. But if you chose one guy but still feel another is your "soulmate," that is not going to make your current guy feel good. Understandably.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

RainDrizzle said:


> There is no hurry I guess. But I am not exactly young either and I do have the desire to have kids soon. Do I spend years trying to find a possibly non-existent person that has incredible physical and mental connection with me as well as good guy characteristics? I am also realistic and know that I am no supermodel...I am just a plain girl and above average at best. * Do I really have the luxury to cruise the market and believe that I will find a Guy C eventually*?


So you have decided to settle. Because being in a relationship, any relationship, where you are unsure if you are really into your partner is better than being single.

This is how I am reading what you said.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

You have a higher likelihood of eventually cheating on guy A. Dont do that to him.
Guy B is an alpha goon who will rock your world physically and never help you change diapers.

Find Guy C who runs the middle between these guys. Sometimes the caveman who takes you, sometimes the sweetheart who goes to the store for you when you are sick.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Seems like your looking for a "custom made fit" in a "off the rack" world.

Got news for you. It doesn't exist. It never did and it never will. 

Your going to have to do a whole lot of cutting and sewing to come up with your own personal Frankenstein monster so my advice to you is don't get involved in a serious relationship with any guy unless your ready to accept the good parts with the flaws and if your can't then your in for a lot of revolving door relationships.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

treyvion said:


> You need to appreciate that people who have been single for years are so because they choose to be.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Many are NOT good catches. They may be stable in holding their OWN position, but as a relationship partner they may expect YOU to do all the adjusting, changing even most of the work!

They could be terrible partners, and it's why they stay single. They stay single because they don't want the "hassle" of worrying about someone else and their needs and they can come and go as they please.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Or they may rather be single than in a relationship where they don't truly love their partner and think someone else is their "soulmate."

Doh.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> You have a higher likelihood of eventually cheating on guy A. Dont do that to him.
> Guy B is an alpha goon who will rock your world physically and never help you change diapers.
> 
> Find Guy C who runs the middle between these guys. Sometimes the caveman who takes you, sometimes the sweetheart who goes to the store for you when you are sick.


No guarantee an "alpha GOON" will rock her world. She might be excited to be around someone with so much invidual confidence and not affected by others but when it comes to the sexxing, it might be his way or the highway and no other deviation is allowed. So the sex once she can get over the putting him on a pedastal thing might be the crappiest thing in the world, and each interaction makes her feel stupider and less sure about herself.

I was a little alpha guy in my interaction with women, but never was the loudest one in the room. I was a freak behind closed doors who mostly kept his mouth shut. People knew I was ****ing though.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Or they may rather be single than in a relationship where they don't truly love their partner and think someone else is their "soulmate."
> 
> Doh.


Yeah, that's a very good reason to be single.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

treyvion said:


> Yeah, that's a very good reason to be single.


Did my sarcasm radar just bleep?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I think the OP should find Guy "D" and marry him. He's the guy who has no attributes but will work his butt off to provide for her and any children she may bare. He will let his work consume so much of his time that he won't even be aware if she decides to occupy her free time pursuing guy's A and B with an occasional guy C thrown into the mix.When she's done with him all she need do is discard him.
I agree with trayvion, as well.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

EasyPartner said:


> Did my sarcasm radar just bleep?


Forcing yourself to be tied to someone you know you don't love is a good reason to just be single instead.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

hookares said:


> I think the OP should find Guy "D" and marry him. He's the guy who has no attributes but will work his butt off to provide for her and any children she may bare. He will let his work consume so much of his time that he won't even be aware if she decides to occupy her free time pursuing guy's A and B with an occasional guy C thrown into the mix.When she's done with him all she need do is discard him.
> I agree with trayvion, as well.


Just like a well-used spark plug. Pull it out and replace it with another and keep the system going. Replace guys A, B and C's lack of effort and care with guy D's effort and attention to detail.


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