# I have depession maybe its more than that?



## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

First I want to thank you for hearing me out.

I don’t want to ramble and get lost with my thoughts, I just have had so much happen in life.

Im married, 46, female with children. I have suffered depression and severe anxiety attacks for as long as I can remember, I started medication at 23 when the baby blues never went away. It took a few years to realize that part of this was family related and part was being molested as a child. When I was a teen I did drugs to medicate

I realized at about 27 I needed to talk about this to help myself recover, I needed to realize this was not my fault and I do believe it’s not my fault.

I’m starting to see a pattern in my life and it scares me. I have very low self-esteem, I can’t see why or how someone can love me, frankly If I had the courage I would have ended my life years ago, the guilt of hurting my family is more than I can bare at times.

I have had very unhealthy relationships, my first boyfriend was abusive both physically and mentally and this went on from 12 years of age until I met my husband who saved me from this. My husband is a good man with some issues of his own, he is a very direct person and holds nothing back. If he is angry you and everyone around you will know it.

He was raised in this matter and I understand this is who he is. I on the other hand was not born with thick skin and Im hurt by the daily observations of my wrong doings. A few years ago I cheated on my husband with what I will call a ONS that I sought out, I make no excuses to my bad behavior, I wanted to have sex and I truly felt at the time that my husband did not want me anymore (this was my train of thought) He found out and we have been in a very hard reconciliation.

I cry on a daily basis for what I have done, He has forgiven me, I can’t forgive myself! 

I loathe me. He asks me about why I did this at least every couple of days, he wonders why I sold him on my strong family values just to find out that I did the very thing I hate in others. 

Besides the sexless marriage we were having I felt like I was in self-destruct mode, I was being selfish and I only cared about my needs, I wanted someone to want me even if it was only for sex… I have no other reason.

This brings me to today, I look back at my life and the struggles and I realize Im co-dependent, I also think I may have always had Avoidant personality disorder, I used drugs and alcohol to help me through this in life situations as I was socially awkward. 

Im feeling a downward spiral and Im trying to hang on, I know I need to seek IC, it’s hard to do this as my husband believes all counselling is crap and that I need to get off medication and suck it up. Im currently on Prozac, however I believe it is no longer working for me.


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## "joe" (Aug 19, 2013)

hi ltlm. i'm very sorry for the situation you're in. i know it, because i have endogenic depression myself. it makes everything harder. i have also have had thin skin, i still avoid some issues, i could not understand how anyone could love me and that affected my relationships and friendships even. it's frustrating sometimes though to receive comments from those who don't know what the experience of depression is like, and it sounds from what you write that your h may be one of them. 



learning to love myself said:


> I cry on a daily basis for what I have done, He has forgiven me, I can’t forgive myself!
> 
> I loathe me. He asks me about why I did this at least every couple of days, he wonders why I sold him on my strong family values just to find out that I did the very thing I hate in others.


if i understand you rightly, he's forgiven you but he keeps bringing the matter up. if he'd really forgiven you he wouldn't be doing that. otoh, if he has forgiven you, then you are surely free to forgive yourself. i know, from a lifetime of experience, that that's easier said than done, and you will benefit greatly if you can meet with a therapist. and while i am not an MD and of course can give no advice, i have heard it said by professionals that by now prozac (and paxil, which i used) is well out of date as a medication and there are more effective options. i use lexapro. this is another thing you can talk to a therapist about, though a psychiatrist would do the prescribing.

is there any way you can talk to a therapist? when i was seeking out one for myself (after a number of false starts) i went into my social network. i asked the parish priest and he gave me a few names. do you have someone like that to get you started?


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

Hi Joe,

It can feel debilitating at times, People around me day to day would not know I suffer from this.
Although as of lately it feels as it could win the fight.

My husband more or less is starting to understand that I need the medication. I once took my-self off of Paxil after one of his using the medication as a crutch comments. After the heavy flu like withdrawals I was a mess and was in very bad shape.

You are right in your assessment, no one understands unless they have been here. Im in a position that I have to hold it together, Im the bread winner and insurance provider and I can’t allow anything to come between my family’s financial stability. This stress alone is too much at times.

Forgiving:

I asked my husband if he truly forgave me and he said yes, however he will never forget or trust me again and after reading the stories on TAM about infidelity, Im not supposed to have any freedoms again and that was to be the arrangement for my husband to take me back. I think this has truly taken a toll on me, I go nowhere by myself, with the exception of work and I’m on the phone with him the whole time.

I will have to wait for the right opportunity to bring up going to counseling again. I hate confrontation and if I can avoid a flight I will. I unfortunately have cut off all friendships as it was best for my marriage so this is my only outlet for the time being.


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