# conflict and counselling



## zac

Hi, 
I am new on this forum. I am married for 2 years. conflicts and arguments are very regular…most of the times they are ego clashes rather than conflicts….wife is doing fellowship for last one year at another place…so it is long distance marriage for us (for 2 years in total). The decision was not taken with a mutual consent. She decided that it was important for her career.
For last three months we are not talking with each other. She thinks that whenever we talk we hurt each other through our words (true to some extent). Initially she insisted that we should visit a counselor. I refused it as she had taken that decision without consulting me and now she is almost making it compulsory without knowing my point of view (this is true for most of her decisions). So, we decided that we follow individual methods to rectify our own mistake. She had her counseling sessions for last 2 months and I was doing my homework and trying to understand my mistakes by reading books.
After three months we had a brief talk and she again insisted that I have to come for counselling as her counsellor told her that couple counselling is necessary. I got very angry with her demand and had a argument with her at public place (at her place). She did not show anger that time but she did not wish me on my birthday which was 2 days after. Now, she is cornering me by saying that if I do not come for counselling then the situation remains as it is (no talking). 
I know that counselling can be useful for both of us, but the way she is insisting is annoying. Also, when I told her that we will start talking on other issues without talking to our conflicts, will form a bond and then decide about counseling, she refused to talk. y'day, when I called her she refused to talk to me.
At present I am confused. I have three options..
1. I will accept her demand of counseling.(though this can be a solution for our problem, it is affecting my pride. I do not want to sacrifice my pride every time. I want a win-win situation. Also, I doubt that whether she will be ready for counselling also or she will act pricey now.)
2. I will agree to her demand but in return I will ask her to think about creating win -win situation.(making her think from my point of view also.....though it is difficult)
3. I will not try anything from my side.(she wiill not ttry from her side). The situation will take care of it.
Any suggestions...


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## bs193

You two can go to IC, or read self help books, for the rest of your lives and not fix anything in your marriage. I help, be it with IC or books you read alone, can help you and you alone. If you want to help your marriage, you need to be seen as a couple. There may not be anything "wrong" with either of you, individually. The problem is most likely in the dynamics you both bring to the relationship and this won't be visible by ANYONE if seen individually.


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