# I finally confronted him



## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

I have posted in this group b/f so many know my story. Also appears under "Considering Divorce"

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Ok so I confronted my husband this weekend. I couldn't bare to keep my feelings all bottled up from him any longer. My apologies for the LONG thread...

I started w the drugs. Asked if he ever did X since we've been together (8 years). He said no NEVER. I told him I found it in the laundry and he knew exactly which outing it was from (a party in July) and said it was his friends and he was holding it for him and did not take any. BULL****!! 1) I know for certain that he did it in April in Vegas b/c my best friends brother was with tem and told us they did it. 2) he sounded like a teenage child - it wasn't mine, I was holding it from someone...

Then I asked him if he gambles. He said that I knew he always dabbled in it but it' small wagering. I told him that I have found numerous betting sheets and newspaper clippings with all kinds of writing (+/-, $ amounts, #'s) and he said it's nothing major - it's him and two friends (one I know the other I did not recognize the name) that place weekly best and split the earnings - that he only makes a $100 or so here and there. I told him that I had his shets checked and that he's a pretty heavy gambler. I told him he has a problem and should admit to it and he just yea yea'd me - "yea, I have a problem, uh huh"...

Next I brought up the girls, the EA's. I asked him if he met anyone on a particular night that he kept telling me only his friends GF was out with her sister yet I know his friends GF's friends were out too (about 8 girls). I told him I knew he got one of thier numbers and asked why and he told me it was innocent she saw he had a blackberry and so did she so she wanted his BBM. I again asked for what reason he said I talked to her once. I asked if they ever hung out - he said no. When I mentioned I found her on FB and and found out she lives in FL so that's probably why - he says "she comes up to NY from time to time"

Brought up the teenager that worked for him - he said no way did he ever touch her she's a little girl and a virgin... I saw the texts where she asked if they were still on for hanging out the day I left for a girls weekend trip. When I came back I saw a text from her 3 days after this planned event asking my husband for advice b/c she had cheated on her BF of 1 month and didnt know if she should tell him/break up... (see other threads for details)

Brought up another girl - he had no clue who I was talking about. I told him I knew she went to his shop. Still played clueless. He started to get a little defensive.

He told me if I have all this STUFF on him then why am I with him. Mind you he was tucked into bed listening to me rant - remained calm. Did not become agitated nor did he tell me to F' off like he usually does.

I told him I straight out don't trust him that I never got over what he did to me 3 years ago. I told him I started to see a tehrapist about 2 months ago. He kept saying he didn't do anything with her but I kept saying "sure, you hung out with her like 7 times, nothing went on"... continued to say he didn;t do anything. He admited to that situation and getting the girls BBM but denied everything else. I got in his face and said "of all the things I have confronted you with, I know for certain that you are lying to me about one thing (the X)" - he continued to deny it all. I said this 2 other times during our confrontation and told him to look me in the eye and rememeber that he's lying to me.

I asked him if he felt we had a weird relationship b/c we are awesome around family an friends but hardly say 2 words to each other when we are alone, out to dinner, in car, at home on couch. he agreed. Said it's borning. Also realizes we should be conversing more and we don't. He interacts w so many ppl day to day but never has anything to tell me, never asks me about my day.

I asked him if he thinks we should seperate he said I shouldn't go through life living on the edge. That I should be happy. I asked if he's rather he single he said he wasn't sure but he does miss his freedom and would be out every nigth if he wasn't married. When I heard that I felt like a light bulb went off, I told him I think I got the answer I needed b/c I would nto have expected an answer like that since he runs a business and has that resposibility. 

What's your take on this? I feel he was waiting for me to bring this up b/c he wants out but doesn't want to be the one to end it and would ratehr be teh victim (I told him this). 

Yesterday, he came home from work, I really didn't want to look at him. When our eyes did meet he made this stupid smirk he does whenever we have fought like he's laughing - like I wasn't seriosu about anything I said. I then asked him if he was ok and he said yea, I'm fine you? I started to tear a bit and I said not really he tells me I really don't want to get into this now we haev a party to go to. I stopped tearing and told him I believe what I do and we have problmes. I told him soem one his responses were liek talking to a teenager (as if I was his mother confronting him about soemthing). He said he understood why I felt that way. He then said he'd go to counsleing if I was really going - I told him it's for real, I have receipts (he thought I was kidding about therapy?!!). I asked him what he thinks we can achieve from going to therapy and he said he wasn't sure but that I should be happy. 

I realyl dont think it's worth working otu this relationship. I think we got married for the wrong reasons. I think we were both too young and want different things in life. I can't trust him and feel that he will only continue to lie to me and carry on the way he wants to. He had nerve to tell me I'm too easy with him yet I told him when we first met he made it clear he does what he wants and wants no one to ever control him. Anytime I'd object to something he did or wanted to do he'd blow up at me!


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## Newlife (Nov 8, 2010)

I think a trial separation is in order. 

I think you both need time to really think about what you both want.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

I agree Newlife. I personally think he wants to be single again and if would just be a man and tell me I'd have more respect for him. I sense he's really not into the marriage otherwise he would have gotten his ass out of bed and told me he was sorry for feeling how I did.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I'm glad you found the courage to confront him. The confrontation sounds rather typical. More lies......... I do believe he was telling the truth on one thing though. He stated that he would be out having a good time if he were single. That's probably the only truthful thing out of his mouth in ages. Sounds like that's where his heart is. He is a "Peter Pan"! As the two of you age, you will be the only one maturing. He will forever be 19.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Thanks 827Aug - appreciate the support. My theapist said the same thing - at least he was truthful about where he wants to be.

Last night we talked some more. He said he knows this is all his fault and will man up and take full blame. he said he would never make me look bad b/c it's his actions that led me to feel the way I do. he also said he needs therapy and wants to work on fixing things but respects whatever decision I make. Therapy will help him either way. He also said he thinks he needed this to happen. He def sees this as a wake up call. What's your take on that?


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Anonny123 said:


> Thanks 827Aug - appreciate the support. My theapist said the same thing - at least he was truthful about where he wants to be.
> 
> Last night we talked some more. He said he knows this is all his fault and will man up and take full blame. he said he would never make me look bad b/c it's his actions that led me to feel the way I do. he also said he needs therapy and wants to work on fixing things but respects whatever decision I make. Therapy will help him either way. He also said he thinks he needed this to happen. He def sees this as a wake up call. What's your take on that?


Right now... he's telling you what you want to hear. I want him to show you want you want to see. You want to see him take things seriously, take your marriage seriously and stop acting like a boy. A boy proposed to you years ago, in the disguise of a man. You are right in the fact that this should wake him up and this will get his ducks in a line. Hopefully this will make you guys stronger in the end, because lets face it... he was not getting what marriage should be about. Shoulda called his bluff and threatened to leave so he coulda begged you back. I've seen it happen.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Rob thanks for your reply. Do you think he wants out though? I told him he can just admit it to me. Initially, when we had the argument that's how it sounded now he's all for counseling and trying to get better (i think after talking to a riend) yet he tells me he respects whatever decision I make and takes full blame for it.

He says he needs counseling b/c he knows he has a problme talking w girls and doesnt know why he does it... ???


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

He's that type of men who would find faithfulness in marriage a tough task to achieve. 
You know him very well & he seems ok to live with or without you.
I feel he still loves you but he's that type of men as mentioned. So it's really up to you to decide to live with or without him. You know you can't complain when you choose to live with him, history will repeat itself.
It's hard to change a person.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Anonny123 said:


> He had nerve to tell me I'm too easy with him yet I told him when we first met he made it clear he does what he wants and wants no one to ever control him. Anytime I'd object to something he did or wanted to do he'd blow up at me!


If this is truely a wake-up call for him and you see by his actions that he is actively trying to work on himself, for your marriage, I would take him up on this...

The opposite of being too easy on him isn't controlling him and acting like his parent, but to work together and come to an agreement on what boundaries are acceptable as a married couple. 

For the two of you, maybe it's you going along when he goes out and him cutting back on how often. With finances, maybe it's that you want to be involved and have a better understanding of your financial situation so you can set goals together. He may even feel some accountability helps him with his own issues....when he has free reign with no accountability to you as if he were a single man, he acts like a single man.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Precede with caution. I do agree he needs counseling regardless of what decision you make. If he is a "Peter Pan", he sees you as a "mommy" image. I'm detecting that from the conversations you are having. 

To ease your conscience you may want to give him a three month grace period. Tell him he is to go to counseling to improve himself. And he will tell the therapist the whole truth. Furthermore, you want an honest evaluation from the therapist at the end of the three months. If the therapist feels that he can mature, then you may work on your marriage. However, if the therapist feels that he will remain immature, then move on. He is at an age where things may can be corrected. But, he has to be the one to want to make those changes.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Ms Lonley - I agree it's up to me to decide whether to live with or without him. I know his continued denial of all the stuff I've confronted him with botehrs me b/c I know he's lying and I don't think I could live with him knowing that. I get a sense that he will work towards fixing things but I'm scared that he'll go back to his old ways or scared that I still won't be happy. 

Swedish - you have always offered great advice. You make soem very good points. I can see us trying to work things out based on what you've described but again, the fact that he keps denying he did anyhting wrong bothers me. I kind of feel that he's giving me his blessing by resepcting whatever decision I make b/c I should be happy and he understands he's to blame w/o ever having to admit to anything. 

827Aug - I really like your plan. Another poster mentioned this "peter pan" issue. I am totally on board with your idea about counseling. My therapist also told me to tell him if he's going to go this route and work on fixing thisngs for us he needs to come clean w me too and I should give him a few days to do so. 

Sad part is maybe he can change and maybe he will wok hard towards doing so but will I ever be able to trust him again? Will I ever be able to let go of the resentment tha has built towards him for all these things he's done over the years?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Anonny123 said:


> Sad part is maybe he can change and maybe he will wok hard towards doing so but will I ever be able to trust him again? Will I ever be able to let go of the resentment tha has built towards him for all these things he's done over the years?


I don't think I could forgive the past unless he was willing to admit his wrong-doings. It is definitely possible to let go of the resentment if he can get to a point where he can be honest.

He says he wants you to be happy. Try to define what that means for you, with respect to your marriage. An open, honest relationship? Not that he needs to share every thought with you, but if he can be fully honest about the past and know that your goal is to try to forgive and move forward (and not scream, yell, or throw it back in his face years down the line) it will not only enable you to feel a closer connection with him, as a person with some short-comings that is serious about changing himself, but it should also make him feel better to be in a marriage where he can be honest and open and know you are both on the same team. I think him opening up would be critical for me, to see if there is true remorse & if he understands the hurt he's caused you instead of saying sorry and running away or giving you the option to run away.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

swedish said:


> An open, honest relationship? Not that he needs to share every thought with you, but if he can be fully honest about the past and know that your goal is to try to forgive and move forward (and not scream, yell, or throw it back in his face years down the line)


Funny you say this swedish I asked him last night to come clean to me again - told him I'd actualyl give him a few days and he still says he didn't do anything - he just talked to girls and never did drugs (drugs I know for a fact he did at least earlier this year). I also brought up the incident of 3 years ago and he told me " that is so old, I told you already I didn't do anything if I really wanted to be with that girl I would have left you then"... 

I told him straight out at this point, maybe after some therapy he has to be up front with me whether it's telling me what he really wants in life or doesn't love me anymore or nailed 5 chicks - I can handle it. I'm at the end of my rope done all my crying for him already.

Opinion?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

By the information you have given, it sounds to me like he knows his behavior has crossed the line as far as marital boundaries, or he wouldn't admit he can't control himself around women (even if he is only admitting to talking at this point.) He is probably conflicted whether just letting you go and not dealing with changing this about himself is the easier route to go than to fight for his marriage and really change his ways, which will require self-improvement work and change on his part. 

So the short term easy route is to keep doing what he's doing, but he probably realizes he has a great wife and knows it would be bad for him in the long run to keep doing what he's doing and watch his marriage fall apart.

I also found his response when you questioned the gambling odd, that he only makes $100 here or there...most gamblers lose more than they win...did he admit to how much $ he is spending to gamble? Is it a fixed amount per week?

I don't blame you for being at the end of your rope. It seems he throws you bones to appease you in the moment, but in reality giving you the full story may scare him...it would certainly put you in a position to make your own decision about the marriage...he's saying you can do that now, but with all these suspicions vs. facts he is keeping you questioning whether there is enough to end the marriage. Admitting to something that happened several years ago would mean he would have to admit to lying to you throughout the marriage...I am sure he knows that would require a lot more on your part to work through it.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Anonny123 said:


> Rob thanks for your reply. Do you think he wants out though? I told him he can just admit it to me. Initially, when we had the argument that's how it sounded now he's all for counseling and trying to get better (i think after talking to a riend) yet he tells me he respects whatever decision I make and takes full blame for it.
> 
> He says he needs counseling b/c he knows he has a problme talking w girls and doesnt know why he does it... ???


I don't think he wants out at all, he just wants the attention of messing with other girls at the same time. By saying he respects your decision of what you choose to do, that's faux male bravado. He cares whole heartedly what you decide to do, and he's hoping you stay. Don't be fooled by his pride. He needs to realize that this isn't the time for pride. This is the time for a man to get his sh\t together and beg for his wife's forgiveness.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

that is one thing he hasn't done - asked for foregiveness. makes me wonder... Last nigth I tld him I was thinking about giving him a few days to totally come clean - one last shot but he said it didn't matter what he said b/c I wouldn't believe him, that again he didn't do anything (but I know that there is one thing, 100% that he is lying about not doing). I told him i'm at the end of my rope where he can bascially admit to what he's doone, or admit, he wants diff things in life or that he nailed 5 chicks. I told him maybe therapy will help him come to terms with that. He just nodded.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He doesn't want out. What he wants is you to stop nagging him and let him have FUN. 

You have replaced his mother; you can tell by the way he won't admit what he did and his responses. 

IMO, the best thing you can do is let him leave and get it out of his system AND go to therapy, and if he comes back a changed man (you'll be able to tell), then you can consider letting him come home.

fwiw, some men just never stop and think about what being a grown man really means. Think about it; they spend their whole childhood looking for FUN. That's what boys do; while girls play house and pretend to get married. In marriage, YOU get what you wanted, but the boy is suddenly told he has to stop having fun, and has to grow up. So he's thinking why? I didn't sign up for becoming a boring grown family man. And if their dads never led by example on putting aside your FUN and being a grownup, well he just never reached that point.

There's a great book that would help him, if you want to get it for him. It's called Hold On To Your N.U.T.S., from Help for Men, Mentor for Men, Men's Groups, Relationship Advice, Life Coach. It basically teaches men that, yes, you can have your fun, but now that you're married, your FIRST obligation is to be a good husband and father; once you make sure you take care of that obligation, find ways to continue to have fun.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Anonny, just to play devil's advocate, you 'know' he did the drugs because of hearsay. What someone ELSE said. I'm not saying he did or didn't, just trying to protect you from making a big deal out of something you can't personally prove since you weren't there.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Turnera - was waiting for your to respond! I love your advice. My therapist pointed out that my husband sounds like classic Peter Pan syndrome. You make some terrific points and I am happy he's going to therapy b/c i do feel it will better him regardless of the outcome with our marriage. I'm really not a nagegr compared to most of his friend's/family members wives he does what he wants - goes to supebowl every year w the guys, vegas w the guys at least once a year, out of town playoff games. I hardly ever give him grief. One thing I am not comfotable with is letting him have his fun get it out of his system while i ave suffered all this time. I don't think I could take him back if he went out and got all the desires to bang girls and do E out of his system, sorry

Re: the drugs my best friend's brother and her husband were there when they took the X - these guys would not lie to thier sister/wife about doing it so I know for sure mine did it. The cheating - that could be considered heresay based on the texts I read.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

swedish said:


> I also found his response when you questioned the gambling odd, that he only makes $100 here or there...most gamblers lose more than they win...did he admit to how much $ he is spending to gamble? Is it a fixed amount per week?
> 
> I don't blame you for being at the end of your rope. * It seems he throws you bones to appease you in the moment*, but in reality giving you the full story may scare him...it would certainly put you in a position to make your own decision about the marriage...he's saying you can do that now, but with all these suspicions vs. facts *he is keeping you questioning whether there is enough to end the marriage*. *Admitting to something that happened several years ago would mean he would have to admit to lying to you throughout the marriage*...I am sure he knows that would require a lot more on your part to work through it.



I don't know how much exactly he puts out there betting but it's def more than $100 a bet (had the sheets checked)...

I feel he does do things to appease me b/c he thinks things will just go back to normal like they always do... the questioning factor I think is a head game honestly and I totally agree with what you are saying regarding admitting what he did in teh pst - do you think he knows I DON'T want to put in the effort to work through it and that is why he won't admit - b/c he knows I am going to walk away anyway? He hasn't even apologized or said "(I hope you) don't leave me"...


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

There's a book titled "The Peter Pan Syndrome" by Dan Kiley which you might find helpful. My therapist had me to read it a couple of years ago. It really put some of the stuff you are describing into perspective.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Thanks 827Aug. I'm just really at the end right now. His gestures don't even phase me. I don't want to attend any functions w him and put up the facade that we're such a happy couple anymore I am sick of it


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Anonny123 said:


> do you think he knows I DON'T want to put in the effort to work through it and that is why he won't admit - b/c he knows I am going to walk away anyway? He hasn't even apologized or said "(I hope you) don't leave me"...


That's a possibility. Keeping the truth from you has been working for him (or so he believes since you have stayed with him until now). The other possibility is that he knows if he tells you the full truth, he will need to fully change his behaviors and that may seem too difficult for him or he may worry that he will have to own up and admit he hasn't been the great guy. Especially if he places a high value on what others think of him.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

swedish said:


> The other possibility is that he knows if he tells you the full truth, *he will need to fully change his behaviors and that may seem too difficult for him *or he may worry that he will have to own up and admit he hasn't been the great guy. Especially if he places a high value on what others think of him.


He's the type to just run away from problems. He doesn't like to hear people out - just form his opinion and walk away. He does value what others think of him but what do you think about him telling me *he will respect whatever decision I make and take total blame for this also pointing out that he would never speak ill of me*? Do you see this as yet another cop out - not having to admit anything to me, just telling ppl that he messed up and she left - end of story. He'd never provide details to others, right? 

Curious to hear your take on this.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Yes, I would imagine that's how he'd handle it. You said something in another post along the lines of 'one of your friends made a comment at least my h isn't like Annony123's' It makes me wonder how much others are aware of his behavior but don't want to meddle in your marriage by telling you. So they may not be shocked and probably wouldn't expect him to explain himself.

What is hard to say is whether he will give up his marriage (which on the surface it appears he does not want to) just so he doesn't have to face the truth of his behaviors.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

swedish said:


> You said something in another post along the lines of 'one of your friends made a comment at least my h isn't like Annony123's' It makes me wonder how much others are aware of his behavior but don't want to meddle in your marriage by telling you. So they may not be shocked and probably wouldn't expect him to explain himself.
> 
> What is hard to say is whether he will give up his marriage (which on the surface it appears he does not want to) just so he doesn't have to face the truth of his behaviors.


Swedish, I have actually been hearing more about what an a'hole he is and how I don't deserve it or why am I with him since he doesn't treat me right (one I overheard someone say not thinking I was in the next room, the other my best friend tells me). i think a lot more ppl than I think are aware of his behavior...

what makes you think he doesn't want to give up the marriage - just the saving face part? I can see that and can agree but seriously, what's your take on his response aout respecting my decision, taking blame and not speak ill of me? Sounds like a guy who wants out no but won't admit it, won't do the deed, would rather play victom although he's admitting fault - I don't get it!!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Anonny123 said:


> what makes you think he doesn't want to give up the marriage - just the saving face part? I can see that and can agree but seriously, what's your take on his response aout respecting my decision, taking blame and not speak ill of me? Sounds like a guy who wants out no but won't admit it, won't do the deed, would rather play victom although he's admitting fault - I don't get it!!


In reading your posts about your married life, you seem to be a great person and wife to him and I can see why he would not want to give that up. He enjoys having you by his side in life and probably knows he'd be foolish to let you go.

Then there is the reality, that he isn't behaving as a good husband should and knows it, so he doesn't feel he has the right to expect you to stay with him and he isn't sure he can even live up to the expectations in a marriage (not that your expectations are too high, but his may be too low for 'marriage material')

If he lets you make the decision to leave, he will not be happy about the marriage ending, but will not have to open up and be honest and will be able to continue his behaviors that aren't condusive to marriage, so he spares himself from that.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Swedish I really enjoy your replies. You offer great insight and tell it to me straight all the time. You know what, I am a great person and a great wife. His friends and family always tell him how lucky he is I just feel that he truly does not know what he really has. So yes, he knows he'd be foolish to leave me. 

*...he doesn't feel he has the right to expect you to stay with him and he isn't sure he can even live up to the expectations... *

Never thought about really seeing it ths way but it makes perfect sense. He knows I am heartbroken, he knows my feelings for him have changed - I've lost longer respect for him, I don't trust him any longer and emotionally, I'm no longer there. 

*lets you make the decision ...will not have to open up and be honest... will be able to continue his behaviors... he spares himself from that. *

Looks like he still gets away with things just like he always has. I think perhaps it would hurt him too much to confess at this point knowing that I am heartbroken already and lost resepct.


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