# Not sure what to do



## Atmywitsend88 (Jun 27, 2019)

Hello,

My wife and I are in our early 30’s and have been married for just shy of 10 years. For most of our marriage I have been the one who worked and she has been a student/stay at home mom.

We have had a very rocky marriage and for the past year have been separated but still living together. About a month ago we started trying to work things out and up until today it felt like we might have a chance.

What happened today was she quit her job to start her own company (this has been a hobby/side income for the past few months) without taking to me. She expected me to be excited for her and celebrate. I was not excited and told her she needs to keep her job (not possible) until she had enough income from her business to help support us. She responded like a little kid, slammed her plate of food in the sink then got in her car and left for several hours.

Now she won’t talk to me. What should I do?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Atmywitsend88 said:


> Hello,
> 
> My wife and I are in our early 30’s and have been married for just shy of 10 years. For most of our marriage I have been the one who worked and she has been a student/stay at home mom.
> 
> ...


You need to talk to a lawyer. If she has had little or no income throughout your marriage then if you divorce her you could be liable for alimony for years depending on where you live. 
You will also be liable for child support.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Atmywitsend88 said:


> Hello,
> 
> My wife and I are in our early 30’s and have been married for just shy of 10 years. For most of our marriage I have been the one who worked and she has been a student/stay at home mom.
> 
> ...


*IMHO, wait her out until such time that she is approachable again, and then be subtle and understanding in your logic and rationale with her!

Let her know, in no uncertain terms, that while her rationale might be a good one, it just isn't a practical one for the benefit of the family at this time!

But always be most loving and understanding with her!

But always start out trying to be the bigger person! If that doesn't work, then proceed to the more drastic measures! Your primary goal should always be to try to save this union between the two you! *


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

I'm sorry I really don't know what to suggest, other than what @Andy1001 said. But I want to ask, have you ever wondered if she is bi-polar or has some kind of mental health issue? It seems incredibly impulsive to just up and quit your job for a hobby. Like something someone kind of manic would think made total sense. And her reaction to your reaction is immature to say the least but it's bizzare that she thought you would be happy assuming your current lifestyle needs two incomes.

Definitely talk to a lawyer and ask if the fact that she voluntarily quit a good paying job will be considered if figuring out alimony.

As for her not talking to you, my experience with "the silent treatment" is that it's best to completely ignore the person back and go about your business like you are happy and all is well. Get out of the house if you need to get away from her sullen behavior, but otherwise act happy and don't beg her to talk to you.

If/when she does come back around you can try to talk to her about what does it mean to be half of a partnership and does she want to be married or not? And regardless, she will definitely NOT be married long if she ever pulls that silent treatment nonsense again or makes decisions that affect both or you without talking with you first.

I'm really sorry.





Atmywitsend88 said:


> Hello,
> 
> My wife and I are in our early 30’s and have been married for just shy of 10 years. For most of our marriage I have been the one who worked and she has been a student/stay at home mom.
> 
> ...


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## Atmywitsend88 (Jun 27, 2019)

I’ve done my legal research and have already spent quite a bit of time in a lawyers office so I feel fairly confident I understand what I need to do to protect myself legally. what I don’t get at this point is why she just made this decision and excepted me to be excited for her. 
I struggle to see where she’s coming from


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Atmywitsend88 said:


> I’ve done my legal research and have already spent quite a bit of time in a lawyers office so I feel fairly confident I understand what I need to do to protect myself legally. what I don’t get at this point is why she just made this decision and excepted me to be excited for her.
> I struggle to see where she’s coming from


Don’t over think this. 
She may just not like working.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Atmywitsend88 said:


> Hello,
> 
> My wife and I are in our early 30’s and have been married for just shy of 10 years. For most of our marriage I have been the one who worked and she has been a student/stay at home mom.
> 
> ...


If this is how she responds to a very minor issue, you pointed out a flaw in her business plan/model, how on earth will she respond when a genuine business crisis occurs?

This does not augur well for the future of her business to be honest.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Atmywitsend88 said:


> What should I do?


Marry an ADULT next time, that's what you should do.

OP, she has exactly zero...I repeat, *ZERO*...respect for you or your opinions.

Time to take control of the situation. Download the *No More Mr. Nice Guy* book and read it _several _times. She doesn't respect you because you're weak and she can push you around. How do I know this? Because instead of taking care of business and letting her know EXACTLY how things are going to need to be done at your place, you're whining to a bunch of strangers that your child-wife 'wont talk to you' and you don't know how to handle it. _That's_ how I know exactly what she thinks of you.

Now get to it.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Just like you said, she acted like a kid.
She threw a tantrum because she has 
not gotten her way for once. You just
simply pointed the fact that there are 
two people needed to support the family
right now. 

She has a hobby and just side income. 
Just for a few months ? Most business 
take several years to show a profit. 
If at all possible. She should wait to see
if the side income/hobby grows.

Wait until she calms down and then see if
she wants to talk. Glad you have already 
taken steps to protect yourself and kids.

Hope it will not come to that but good you
are prepared.


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## Jenniferallen (May 10, 2019)

Atmywitsend88 said:


> Hello,
> 
> My wife and I are in our early 30’s and have been married for just shy of 10 years. For most of our marriage I have been the one who worked and she has been a student/stay at home mom.
> 
> ...


There is a difference between walking away from an argument to cool off vs stonewalling. You are the best one to judge which it is your wife is doing. My hunch is stonewalling; which is one form of emotional abuse and absolutely not tolerable.

Knowing when to walk away from an argument, otoh, is healthy.

Throwing things around is tantruming , for sure. Throwing things can also be meant to intimidate. Watch for that.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I think she quit her job without discussing it because she knew you would disagree. She wanted control. Her 'expecting you to be excited' is bs. 

Has she always been this immature? Did you ask to see her business plan? financing? plan for household while she is not working?

Could she be wanting to go through with divorce and wanted to be a stay at home lady of leisure when this occurred?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Atmywitsend88 said:


> I’ve done my legal research and have already spent quite a bit of time in a lawyers office so I feel fairly confident I understand what I need to do to protect myself legally. what I don’t get at this point is why she just made this decision and excepted me to be excited for her.
> I struggle to see where she’s coming from


Is this out of character for her? Or does she have a history of making impulsive decisions that affect you both on her own without consulting with you? Maybe she has always been like this but it was never something so serious so you never really noticed and objected?

The "you should be excited for me" attitude could be genuine but more likely it's an attempt at manipulation. "I'll just act shocked, hurt and outraged that he isn't happy for me and then he'll feel guilty for being mean and let me be."

One thought is that if she's been a student/non-worker for a lot of your marriage it may not have occurred to her that you see shouldering the financial load as a hardship. Maybe she sees anything she brings in as a bonus. But that doesn't explain the extreme oblivious selfishness of doing such a thing without discussing it with you first.

Oddly my BF's ex did essentially the same thing to him, she had a good paying job and they had kids and bills. And one day she just impulsively QUIT to take a minimum wage job doing something she'd rather be doing. He was blindsided and had to work more to meet the bills. Years later she was getting a little more money (still nowhere near her original job) and she announced she wanted to quit THAT job to go do something even LESS lucrative! That time he was like OH. HELL. NO. WTF is WRONG WITH YOUR BRAIN?! I don't know her but from what he says she really wasn't a very smart person and simply could not think forward in time to consider consequences before acting.


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