# I don't know if this can be saved



## seansmom512 (May 31, 2011)

My husband and I have a long and complicated story. I'm sorry it's so long! We started dating as teenagers. Got married 5 yrs ago. been together 12 years in all. have a 2 yr old son. He cheated on me numerous times while we were dating. Never kept a steady job. He was my first boyfriend, and I stood by him and loved him through it all. I thought he was finally growing up in 06. he had a job, hadn't cheated in over a year. We got married. He cheated shortly after marriage. I didn't find our until 08. We almost divorced. Decided to try to save our marriage. He said he'd figured out that he'd cheated because I wasn't giving him affection. Him cheating made me not want to give affection. A sick circle that kept repeating itself. Also shortly after marriage he lost is drivers license so he lost his job. The financial problems made things worse. I got pregnant in 08, things improved between us. but we kept our same routine basically. Neither of us changed. He was talking and sending explicit pics on the internet, but never had a PA again. I became distant. Last year he got his License back in August, still hasn't got a job. Then he started spending all his time with our neighbor. I thought he was having an affair with her, he'd stay at her house till the wee hours of the morning. I wanted to separate and he agreed. We stayed in the same house so that we wouldn't have to miss time with our son. I was planning on moving out in April of this year. Anyway things fell back into the normal routine, we even still had sex, but we were "separated". Then I found out he'd had sex with 3 women (including our neighbor) during our "separation". I lost it, basically went numb, just didn't want to be here at all anymore. I started dating someone, After 4 dates and constant texting, I really really liked him, felt more than I should have. I ended up having sex with him. By this time I had moved out. I felt so guilty, I told my husband. He promised things were different and that we could be what we should have been if I'd come back. I moved by home, broke things off with my "boyfriend". It's been 2 months, my husband is really trying to please me, but he's fixated on the other guy because he knows how much it hurt me to let him go. I still can't be "in" our marriage. I can't get myself to try. I'm breaking my husbands heart, but if it wasn't for my son I don't think I'd be here. I don't know, maybe I'm in the "fog". Or maybe I'm right and things never have been the way they should have been. I don't want to hurt my husband, but I just don't feel what I need to feel for him. He's being sweet and loving, but he still won't look for a job. When I ask him about it he says that I don't have a right to ask anymore of him when he's already putting up with so much from me. I have messed up, because I did think I loved the other guy, when it's not possible in such a short amt. of time. My husband knows all of this because we are trying to be honest with each other. I know it's breaking my husbands heart. I don't know why, evidently I don't want to try, because I'm not. It's confusing even for me! I just feel like we've had so many "new beginnings". He says that it's different now because he knows how it feels with the shoe on the other foot. I just don't know.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

That's a good one. After all his cheating he doesn't have to look for a job because of what YOU have put him through.

Your husband is jealous because you were able to find someone else to both have a relationship with, and have sex with. Now he sees you as a "challenge" to chase and conquer again. Once he has conquered you by getting you back in the house, he'll be back out looking for someone else to cheat with.

Dump him. And STOP having sex with him immediately.


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## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

I'm with "BigToe." OMG! He needs to get HIMSELF together. He needs to get a job, zip his pants, and be a responsible husband, father, and contributing member of society. I do not condone what YOU did either, but I get it, and bet it made you feel vindicated, and a little better at the time. Marriage is HARD WORK, and compiled of calculated and deliberate choices. I wish you the very best of luck, and keep us posted


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Let me get this straight: Your H is lazy and doesn't like to work to provide for his wife and children, is a serial cheater, you put up with all his As, then when you finally had enough, you left and had a Revenge Affair (RA) yourself and feel so guilty about it. And finally now he wants to fix the marriage.

I understand why you did it, but that doesn't make it right. It was still WRONG.

As for your H, he is still blame shifting. Because of your RA, now he has this idea that he can blame you for everything, that it wipes out what he's done in the past. That definitely does not show any kind of remorse at all. BOTH of you definitely need some professional counselling, that's for sure. Are you both transparent with each other? You've both hurt each other so much, it's hard to say if R is even possible. It seems that you are remorseful about your own A, but is he remorseful about his? This is a prime example of why RAs make things so much worse.


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## seansmom512 (May 31, 2011)

I wanted to give an update...and get more advice. We're still basically in the same spot. Only now it's worse. He says that I'm unable to get over my EA with the guy I had a relationship with during our separation. (This is partly true). I have switched jobs so that I won't see him anymore. My husband says that he needs a "backup plan" and that he can't take it if we separate. So now he has a girlfriend. He said they've basically done everything but have sex. I know he's trying to make me jealous to see if it makes me come around quicker but It's messed up! It's really just making me want to be with the other guy more. We argue so much that I really feel like I'm going to have a mental breakdown. Sometimes I really feel like I'm going crazy. I don't want to mess my 2 year old up. I feel like he's around way to much arguing. In a way I don't want him to break up with his "girlfriend". If that's what it takes to make it easier to separate, then great! I don't care anymore. I just feel so guilty. Maybe I am to hung up on my brief relationship with the OM. Maybe I deserve what I'm getting now. I just feel like if he really wanted this to work, he wouldn't give up after 2.5 months and get a "backup plan". And I really don't think I want it to work anymore.


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