# What now????



## Sad teacher (Feb 7, 2021)

In my most recent post, I explained that my husband and I have been having problems. I suggested that instead of acting impulsively, we can try living in separate areas of the house. We have a full basement with a bathroom/bedroom, and everything he needs, so he agreed to stay down there while we both cool off. 

My question is… how much longer should we do this?? I don’t even know what to say about us anymore. We argue about the same topics every time: finances, kids, family, parenting…nothing is solved. 

Just for the record, we have BOTH made mistakes. Never infidelity, but I hold resentment for things he has done, and he is critical and mean.

not sure what to say or do next.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Personally I think what you're doing is just delaying the inevitable because you're too afraid to make a real move. You have had a crappy marriage for 13 years... Leaving wouldn't be impulsive. 

However, you need to make sure you have a plan. If it's to leave, then find a therapist and work on getting the courage you need or set a deadline. If it's to save the marriage, then find a better marriage counselor. Whatever you do, don't just let this drag out with no end in sight. You need to have a deadline, and stick to it. 

Does he still yell at the kids? Spank and intimidate them?


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

This is your third post on the same subject. You know what to do so put on your big girl panties and do something about it.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Sad teacher said:


> not sure what to say or do next.


Yes, you do. You just don't want to accept it because you're too afraid to take the steps that you need to do. Instead you're prefering to bury your head in the sand in your merry go round of accepting being disrespected, put down, verbally and psychologically abused.

For your information kids are better off in two happy homes than in a miserable one. They are not stupid, they are absorbing everything, and learning from both of your behavior. You are teaching them to think that the disrespectful and abusive behavior that they might be observing is normal. That that's what relationships are supposed to be. Keep it up, and you will eventually observe them when they are adults repeating the same patterns that you and your husband are teaching them.


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## Sad teacher (Feb 7, 2021)

The truth is…I really am on the fence about divorce. I am scared of it…the finances, the legalities, etc. Also, for the record, we did separate back in 2015. Again, it is not all him that is wrong. I have resentment that I’ve been holding for a very LONG time. He knows he was wrong as well, for the things he has done and said to me. He claims to love me and the kids, but doesn’t want to live with me because I am resentful and do not trust him. I guess I just need a kick in the ass. It’s very difficult to make a decision.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Have you considered outside help? 

Maybe, if you have a religious community to draw on, or secular marriage counsellors/experts that can zero in on your specific areas/issues?

There are a ton of excellent podcasts and YouTube videos that can help lead you to focus. Sound financial counselling, how to treat the other spouse with love and respect, etc.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Have you tried marriage counseling? Living in separate rooms accomplishes nothing. Like someone else said, by doing that, you are just avoiding the inevitable. Either work on your marriage if you both think it's worth saving or work on getting out of it.


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## Sad teacher (Feb 7, 2021)

We have tried marriage counseling. He moved back upstairs, now. I am seeing my therapist again, and I'm exploring my resentment that I have toward him.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Sad teacher said:


> In my most recent post, I explained that my husband and I have been having problems. I suggested that instead of acting impulsively, we can try living in separate areas of the house. We have a full basement with a bathroom/bedroom, and everything he needs, so he agreed to stay down there while we both cool off.
> 
> My question is… how much longer should we do this?? I don’t even know what to say about us anymore. We argue about the same topics every time: finances, kids, family, parenting…nothing is solved.
> 
> ...


I don't know why you want to stay married under the circumstances. Do you already work at a job? What is keeping you from leaving?


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## Sad teacher (Feb 7, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I don't know why you want to stay married under the circumstances. Do you already work at a job? What is keeping you from leaving?


I have a good paying job. I guess I feel sorry for feeling the way I do, because deep down, he does love us, and has tried to make amends for what he has done to me. This is me trying to forgive.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Have you already tried marriage counseling? 

All I know is sex seems like the most important thing to a lot of men, so being in separate areas of the house is likely to spawn other problems such as more infidelity or distrust (on both sides). On one hand, you say he's trying, but on the other hand, everything you tell me about him sounds pretty awful. But maybe it's worth both of you getting in marriage counseling and clearing the air there. At least you should try to get on the same page about raising the children and discipline and all that, and marriage counseling with someone well skilled in children who is trained in that area and knows how they should be raised might be able to get you two on the same page about that. Chances are, you're BOTH doing it wrong, you know. Usually it's one being too permissive and unwilling to discipline and the other being angry because of that at the kids and the other spouse, which is a legit thing to be angry about. See if you can find a great "family psychologist," but get a real psychologist, not someone who just calls themself a counselor.


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