# Losing patience



## 05NeonSXT (May 14, 2008)

My husband and I have been together for nearly 5 years. When I was pregnant with my first son (4 years ago) he left me for another woman. Things didn't work out with her, and when my son was 6 months old, he decided he wanted to work on things. I was really put off with him, and after 2 years he finally earned my trust back and I let him move in with me. Shortly after that I was pregnant again. He was really great, wanted me to be a stay-at-home mom, he worked 2 jobs and we had everything we needed and more. He was patient and understanding and was really proving to be a good man. We got married July of last year, and shortly thereafter I returned to work full time. So he decided to quit his full time job. It wouldn't be a big deal if he would stay home and watch the kids, but he never has been much of a dad. So, I got a significant raise and he quit his part time job. Now I'm paying all the bills, plus daycare, so he can sleep til noon play Playstation. He doesn't do the dishes, vacuum, laundry, nothing! That's not the worst of it, Monday nights he bowls ($12, gone from 6pm to 11pm), Tuesday nights he's home, but he'll go get a pop and be gone for 2 hours (we live in a 1 mile radius town) and have some off the wall story about this happened then that happened and that's why it took so long. Wednesday nights is the same as Tuesdays, Thursday he bowls again. Friday he "plays poker" from 5pm to whenever. He used to come home around 10 or 11, then it turned into 12 or 1 and lately it's turned into 3am. Saturday (I'm off so you'd think he'd want to spend time as a family) he goes racing so he's gone from 10 am to midnight. Sunday he plays poker again. - He's just not around anymore. When he is around, he's not interested. We have sex maybe once every 3 months or so, always initiated by me. He doesn't touch me, doesn't try to have personal time with just us, I just don't feel loved anymore. He says "Love you" when he leaves, and usually kisses me Bye, but there's no emotion there. It's like a chore for him. When we're in bed together, he'll wait til he thinks I'm asleep then go download porn. If I confront him about it, he says "I don't know how that got there" or "I let so and so come over the other day, maybe they did it". But I can see the date and time the file was downloaded. I just don't know where to go from here. I'm financially supporting him, fixing the car (he's blown 3 engines in the last 3 years in our family sedans), paying daycare, and still doing all the housework, laundry, etc.. If I'm going to do everything alone, should I just boot him and do it ALONE? Suggestions? I just feel like I'm a convience for him.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

This is a completely one sided relationship. Sorry but from what you have described he is a louse plan and simple. A parasite living off of you and your efforts. I suspect he has never grown up and was catered to as an adolescent. If you love him and want to save the marriage you will need to discuss what you expect of him. Make it clear to him that he needs to change and start pulling his weight or he is out of there. Take time to list your needs/wants on paper but don’t read them to him like a laundry list. Memorize your points and make sure you make him understand how poorly he is treating you. From the list of complaints that you have, prioritize them because he will not be unable to change all of them at once. As always, I recommend you seek counsel to help both of you with this. If he is to change you need to be firm but patient. There is a lot of baggage there, it won’t change over night. Hopefully he is man enough to see his shortcomings and honor his duties as a husband and father. And good for you for stepping up to the plate to earn a living for your kids along with all the other things you provide to them as a mother. Good luck & bless.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Sounds like he is all about getting and gives nothing to the marriage or family and lives off you. What is it about him that you would let him take advantage of the situation like he does.

I think you have the right idea you are already doing everything by yourself and all he is doing is adding to your workload.

draconis


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## 05NeonSXT (May 14, 2008)

I had a really hard time trusting him again after basically abandoning me when I was pregnant. He'd proven himself after years of showing me he was worth my time. Things were ok, and that's why I decided to accept his marriage proposal. 

He was raised so much differently than me, my parents both worked hard to support the family, and growing up we knew that things last when they are taken care of. 
He grew up with mommy and daddy dealing drugs and going to jail. I never held that against him, but no one ever taught him about families, marriage, or finances, Let alone goals. 

I'm a college graduate with a very rewarding job that allows me to be very financially stable. 
He's has a GED. No job currently, was working at a bowling alley. 

I want to build a house, he says "we already have a roof over our heads". I finally just bought a new car because he would only look at cars $500 or less. 

We are 2 completely different people, from 2 different worlds. But when he still had something to prove to me, before we got married, he did everything I wish he'd do still. We've had "The Talk" so many times, and I say the exact same things over and over again. He'll do right for a day or 2 then fall back into his ways. I let him slide for a week or so, then I try to reitterate my position, and I get the "What'd I do now?" reply. 

He says he loves me and he's happy (Oh, how could he not be? He has someone to cook, clean, pay for his crap. I'd be happy too.)

My kids don't have a relationship with their dad and it doesn't bother him one bit. Our oldest son broke his arm a few weeks ago, I took him to the ER, my husband stayed home to watch tv. 

One word to describe my marriage:
Pointless.


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## happilymarried67 (May 7, 2008)

05NeonSXT said:


> One word to describe my marriage:
> Pointless.


Sorry to say--:iagree: except you have two beautiful children. I would stop being a doormat, and send him packing. He needs to help out or tell him not to let the door hit him on his way out. If he is serious about the marriage he needs to start earning his keep. Marriage is a partnership and he is not doing his part in the least. I am a stay at home mom and I don't get nights out for bowling, I do everything that you hubby doesn't and I have 4 of them. You deserve better.


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## Lavender (May 14, 2008)

Sad and Ridiculous situation '
Sounds More like what you'd exspect from a teenager v/s a Spouse & Parent. ughh Almost sounds Like How my 16 year old trys to exist.I hope You get a solution( some equal respect) soon ! Best wishes.


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