# Husband persists in walking way ahead of me



## Myself Being Myself (10 mo ago)

For most of our 40 years of marriage, my husband has persisted in walking ahead of me. Not like a few feet...it's anywhere from 10 feet to one-half a city block! He continues to do this despite my asking him (nicely at first) please slow down. Last evening as we were walking from our car down the sidewalk to a restaurant, he did it again. I asked him to slow down (my fibromyalgia was flaring up and making my knees very sore, which he was aware of) but he didn't. So I added, "You know, it's incredibly rude when you walk way in front of me like this." He replied, "Oh, are we going to have a fight even before we get to the restaurant?" Funny thing for him to say, because up to that point we had been having a very pleasant day together and I was looking forward to spending a nice time with him at dinner. I felt like he was saying that just to be defensive rather than simply slowing his pace so I could catch up. When we got to the restaurant, he made a Big Deal out of opening the door for me, like he was mocking me for wanting to be treated with consideration. He said, "Here, I'll open the door for you so you don't have to do it." He laughed, like he expected me to smile at his charming manners. I felt disrespected and minimized.

This is not a new pattern. We have four grown children. When they were young and had short little legs, or were in a stroller, or I was large with pregnancy (often a combination of all three of these conditions), my husband would walk way ahead of me and the kids. Sometimes he would cross a street without us and then wait on the other side while I trundled across with the little ones. At amusement parks, I would sometimes get separated from him because he walked so far ahead he got lost in the crowd. After our two older kids were big enough to walk faster, he would walk ahead with them, leaving me far behind with the toddler and baby stroller. When I would complain and ask him to slow down so that we could all stay together, he would explain that he was rushing ahead to get a better place in line for the ride. He didn't seem to register that I might need some help maneuvering through crowded places with young children in tow. I would ask nicely, then I would ask more strongly, but he never could seem to make himself slow down for more than a few minutes...then he was back up ahead somewhere far in the distance.

The thing is, it's not like he has longer legs than mine. We are the same height. But I am often slowed down because of wearing heels, or carrying packages, and now that I am older, due to sore joints. Last night, I reminded him that I needed him to slow down because of my sore knees and he told me that his whole leg was sore, from his hip down to his knee joint but he wasn't letting it slow him down, he was just pushing through the pain. It felt like he was implying that I am just weak-willed.

Once we visited NYC together and he kept walking far in front of me. I figured that if I got separated from him I could at least find my way back to our hotel, but it made me angry when he wouldn't slow down. I suggested taking the subway or a taxi, but he said no. We did so much walking that I ended up with blisters under all of my toes but he dismissed this as a minor problem (yeah, to him!). Okay, I'll just say it, he can be kind of a ****.

I love my husband and we have made a good team as parents over the years. We don't argue often and generally have a nice life together. But when he walks in front of me I feel like his subordinate. I feel uncared for. I think he has bad manners and is not doing himself any favors when it comes to intimacy. I wonder why he doesn't seem to realize that it's not just about walking ahead of me (and the kids). It's about being loving and considerate. 

After 40 years of walking ahead of me, I realize that he is unlikely to change. (Yes, when we were dating he did walk beside me, although he didn't like to hold hands because he felt that was too much PDF. And no, I am not ugly or embarrassing-looking, I don't dress weird, or anything like that.) 

Does anyone have any idea why he does this? Why he won't/can't change? What else I can do about it?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

It's been going on far too long for you to get him to change. In your shoes, I would literally change directions once you were left. Keep a set of car keys with you & just to your own thing when he disappears. After a few incidents of this he may change his ways. When he gets angry about you not following him, calmly reply that his lifetime of walking away from you has proven to you that he doesn't care where you go so you don't understand why he's so upset. Clearly if you mattered to him, he'd stay by your side.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Scott's Wife said:


> Does anyone have any idea why he does this? Why he won't/can't change? What else I can do about it?


No idea, only him can tell you why. Change?? you've been at it for over 40 years, what gives you the idea/hope that he will change? it's been said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different outcome. What you can do is to stop, just stop asking him to wait for you, just follow what @D0nnivain said:



D0nnivain said:


> In your shoes, I would literally change directions once you were left. Keep a set of car keys with you & just to your own thing when he disappears.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Seems like an ingrained habit that you aren't going to be able to break. Have you tried holding his hand and not letting him get away from you?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

My husband walks REALLY fast. Especially if we're on vacation and exploring some place new, he's all torqued up and excited. My son and I almost have to run to keep up. We've stopped doing that. If he takes off and leaves us, we let him go and just continue walking at a reasonable pace. He comes storming back and I'm all, "You are walking too fast, we can't keep up." No fighting, no arguing, no matter what kind of huffy fit he throws. I am fine by myself, if he wants to take off and leave, go, see you back at the hotel later.

The only time I really took a hard stand was in Alaska, we were hiking through an area known for bears and moose and he had the gun. I told him he needed to slow down so we could keep up because it's a safety issue. "Can't you go faster?" "Yes, we could jog the whole way, but we paid a lot of money to be here and would like to look at the scenery." I got no more argument after that, he would occasionally pull forward a bit but would stop himself.

He's always been a really intense person. He doesn't do it on purpose, but when it's been brought up and he does it anyway, then it becomes a choice. Most of the time I just let it go. Unless there are bears, they change the game a bit. 😉


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> My husband walks REALLY fast. Especially if we're on vacation and exploring some place new, he's all torqued up and excited. My son and I almost have to run to keep up. We've stopped doing that. If he takes off and leaves us, we let him go and just continue walking at a reasonable pace. He comes storming back and I'm all, "You are walking too fast, we can't keep up." No fighting, no arguing, no matter what kind of huffy fit he throws. I am fine by myself, if he wants to take off and leave, go, see you back at the hotel later.
> 
> The only time I really took a hard stand was in Alaska, we were hiking through an area known for bears and moose and he had the gun. I told him he needed to slow down so we could keep up because it's a safety issue. "Can't you go faster?" "Yes, we could jog the whole way, but we paid a lot of money to be here and would like to look at the scenery." I got no more argument after that, he would occasionally pull forward a bit but would stop himself.
> 
> He's always been a really intense person. He doesn't do it on purpose, but when it's been brought up and he does it anyway, then it becomes a choice. Most of the time I just let it go. Unless there are bears, they change the game a bit. 😉


Yep we ran into one in Alaska.

OP it all sounds kind of horrible. The small children thing would have really pissed me off. But your children are no longer small. I would stop wearing heals. I would simply leave as others have suggested. Like the restaurant. When he got so far you couldn't see him just turn around get in the car and go home or call an uber and go to a restaurant of your choosing. When he asks what happened. I'd simply say I couldn't see you and it was obvious you didn't want to spend time with me so I left.

I would also have a heart felt conversation about how it effects your feelings for him and intimacy. I'm afraid I wouldn't feel sexy that night or probably for a few nights after. Which since he does this a lot it would have a lot of impact. I would be 'withholding' for any reason other than feeling unloved.

He does seem to be implying you should simply move faster. I don't know what the height difference between you happens to be but I take two steps for each of my husbands one. Add in heels and that's also a lot. 

Another approach is to simply accept this is how he is. Don't let it bother you and don't worry about walking faster. If you know it's going to bother you say on a shopping trip don't go if he won't take a cab. You don't have to agree to everything his way.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> It's been going on far too long for you to get him to change. In your shoes, I would literally change directions once you were left. Keep a set of car keys with you & just to your own thing when he disappears. After a few incidents of this he may change his ways. When he gets angry about you not following him, calmly reply that his lifetime of walking away from you has proven to you that he doesn't care where you go so you don't understand why he's so upset. Clearly if you mattered to him, he'd stay by your side.


My wife has a tendency to walk out of store or where we are and just wander off in some unknown direction like she has any clue at all where she should be going.
I don't know what's in her head. I've tried talking but no help.

The biggest help has been exactly what many suggested here. Let him (her in my case) go ahead. Do your thing, walk where you want to walk.

It's really pretty inconsiderate I think, but some people just don't get it I think.
It sounds like you've already talked to him...so just ignore him and do your thing. Be ok with that.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

To me that is NOT loving. I walk faster than my wife, but I ALWAYS walk by her side. Even after being together for 35 years, 32 married, I like to hold her hand when we walk. Not that we walk hand in hand all the time but I let her know through my actions that she’s valued. To me, what your husband has been doing is cold and unloving.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

In the 45 years I was married that was a problem occasionally so I stopped caring and starting walking at my normal pace. If I was half a block behind or whatever, too bad. I refused to continue racing along just because Mr. Long Legs could. This is who your husband is. He knows how you feel about the situation and he enjoys being a jerk about it. At this late date, he’s not changing so my suggestion is stop caring.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Someone did that to me once. I turned around, went back to where we started, and then went elsewhere. 

You have to teach people how to treat you. Or live with the mistreatment.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

How long after you got married did he start doing this? I'm a fast walker and I'm definitely not happy...  









People who walk fast tend to be less happy, study says


What I think as someone who belongs with this bracket




medium.com


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Scott's Wife said:


> For most of our 40 years of marriage, my husband has persisted in walking ahead of me. Not like a few feet...it's anywhere from 10 feet to one-half a city block! He continues to do this despite my asking him (nicely at first) please slow down. Last evening as we were walking from our car down the sidewalk to a restaurant, he did it again. I asked him to slow down (my fibromyalgia was flaring up and making my knees very sore, which he was aware of) but he didn't. So I added, "You know, it's incredibly rude when you walk way in front of me like this." He replied, "Oh, are we going to have a fight even before we get to the restaurant?" Funny thing for him to say, because up to that point we had been having a very pleasant day together and I was looking forward to spending a nice time with him at dinner. I felt like he was saying that just to be defensive rather than simply slowing his pace so I could catch up. When we got to the restaurant, he made a Big Deal out of opening the door for me, like he was mocking me for wanting to be treated with consideration. He said, "Here, I'll open the door for you so you don't have to do it." He laughed, like he expected me to smile at his charming manners. I felt disrespected and minimized.
> 
> This is not a new pattern. We have four grown children. When they were young and had short little legs, or were in a stroller, or I was large with pregnancy (often a combination of all three of these conditions), my husband would walk way ahead of me and the kids. Sometimes he would cross a street without us and then wait on the other side while I trundled across with the little ones. At amusement parks, I would sometimes get separated from him because he walked so far ahead he got lost in the crowd. After our two older kids were big enough to walk faster, he would walk ahead with them, leaving me far behind with the toddler and baby stroller. When I would complain and ask him to slow down so that we could all stay together, he would explain that he was rushing ahead to get a better place in line for the ride. He didn't seem to register that I might need some help maneuvering through crowded places with young children in tow. I would ask nicely, then I would ask more strongly, but he never could seem to make himself slow down for more than a few minutes...then he was back up ahead somewhere far in the distance.
> 
> ...


A leash is an easy fix to your problem. Might take some training.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Scott's Wife said:


> For most of our 40 years of marriage, my husband has persisted in walking ahead of me. Not like a few feet...it's anywhere from 10 feet to one-half a city block! He continues to do this despite my asking him (nicely at first) please slow down. Last evening as we were walking from our car down the sidewalk to a restaurant, he did it again. I asked him to slow down (my fibromyalgia was flaring up and making my knees very sore, which he was aware of) but he didn't. So I added, "You know, it's incredibly rude when you walk way in front of me like this." He replied, "Oh, are we going to have a fight even before we get to the restaurant?" Funny thing for him to say, because up to that point we had been having a very pleasant day together and I was looking forward to spending a nice time with him at dinner. I felt like he was saying that just to be defensive rather than simply slowing his pace so I could catch up. When we got to the restaurant, he made a Big Deal out of opening the door for me, like he was mocking me for wanting to be treated with consideration. He said, "Here, I'll open the door for you so you don't have to do it." He laughed, like he expected me to smile at his charming manners. I felt disrespected and minimized.
> 
> This is not a new pattern. We have four grown children. When they were young and had short little legs, or were in a stroller, or I was large with pregnancy (often a combination of all three of these conditions), my husband would walk way ahead of me and the kids. Sometimes he would cross a street without us and then wait on the other side while I trundled across with the little ones. At amusement parks, I would sometimes get separated from him because he walked so far ahead he got lost in the crowd. After our two older kids were big enough to walk faster, he would walk ahead with them, leaving me far behind with the toddler and baby stroller. When I would complain and ask him to slow down so that we could all stay together, he would explain that he was rushing ahead to get a better place in line for the ride. He didn't seem to register that I might need some help maneuvering through crowded places with young children in tow. I would ask nicely, then I would ask more strongly, but he never could seem to make himself slow down for more than a few minutes...then he was back up ahead somewhere far in the distance.
> 
> ...


He is a **** and does not care about your feelings or pain. Quit chasing him. If he walks ahead of you go do your own thing and let him look for you. Go somewhere together, be sure you have the keys. Turn his ****ty actions back on him.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Scott's Wife said:


> For most of our 40 years of marriage, my husband has persisted in walking ahead of me. Not like a few feet...it's anywhere from 10 feet to one-half a city block! He continues to do this despite my asking him (nicely at first) please slow down. Last evening as we were walking from our car down the sidewalk to a restaurant, he did it again. I asked him to slow down (my fibromyalgia was flaring up and making my knees very sore, which he was aware of) but he didn't. So I added, "You know, it's incredibly rude when you walk way in front of me like this." He replied, "Oh, are we going to have a fight even before we get to the restaurant?" Funny thing for him to say, because up to that point we had been having a very pleasant day together and I was looking forward to spending a nice time with him at dinner. I felt like he was saying that just to be defensive rather than simply slowing his pace so I could catch up. When we got to the restaurant, he made a Big Deal out of opening the door for me, like he was mocking me for wanting to be treated with consideration. He said, "Here, I'll open the door for you so you don't have to do it." He laughed, like he expected me to smile at his charming manners. I felt disrespected and minimized.
> 
> This is not a new pattern. We have four grown children. When they were young and had short little legs, or were in a stroller, or I was large with pregnancy (often a combination of all three of these conditions), my husband would walk way ahead of me and the kids. Sometimes he would cross a street without us and then wait on the other side while I trundled across with the little ones. At amusement parks, I would sometimes get separated from him because he walked so far ahead he got lost in the crowd. After our two older kids were big enough to walk faster, he would walk ahead with them, leaving me far behind with the toddler and baby stroller. When I would complain and ask him to slow down so that we could all stay together, he would explain that he was rushing ahead to get a better place in line for the ride. He didn't seem to register that I might need some help maneuvering through crowded places with young children in tow. I would ask nicely, then I would ask more strongly, but he never could seem to make himself slow down for more than a few minutes...then he was back up ahead somewhere far in the distance.
> 
> ...


He's just a rude inconsiderate person. Stop following him.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Scott's Wife ,

My Beloved Hubby is a fast walker too. Of course he's almost a foot taller than I am, so there's that. And he was in the Army infantry and walking is kind of his super-power, so there's that too. He will usually make the effort to walk with me at what feels like a "strolling" pace to him, and I appreciate that he makes that effort. 

But occasionally there will be something like hiking a climbing trail where I am just not a good climber--I'm slow but steady and don't give up, but he's like a lithe tiger leaping along gracefully. We learned long ago that in those instances, HE walks "his walk" and I walk "my walk." 

See, I don't want him to slow down or be impeded because of me. I want him to be who he is and walk fast. He enjoys that! But I also don't want to change who I am to jog the whole way and try to keep up! That impedes my enjoyment of the walk! So he walks "his walk" and I accept that his walk does not move at the same pace my walk does. And I walk "my walk" and I enjoy my pace and enjoy the scenery in my own way. I am not him--and he is not me.

In your instance, I can understand why you'd appreciate if he'd show you consideration and walk beside you. It would show that he has concern for you, what you're going through, how you feel, your struggles, etc. But all along you've been asking him to change to your way--and he's not you. In real life, since he walks way ahead of you and tells you to just push through the pain, etc., he's also asking you to change to his way! So now, instead of being a couple, it's you against him! 

May I make a suggestion? 

Think of this as "the two of you (as a team) against THE PROBLEM" so that the two of you are together facing an issue. Instead of telling him "You walk too fast! Slow down!" indicate that you have an issue and that you want to address together AS A TEAM. The issue is "walking together" and you'd like to ask if he'd be willing to have some walks where you walk together and hold hands...and other walks where he can do "his walk" and you can do "your walk." Then, when it is an instance where the two of you have agreed it's a his walk/her walk situation, you have a great time accepting him as he is, at his speed, so wonderfully energetic and healthy--and YOU accept who you are, enjoy the surroundings and the scenery, and enjoy your pace, so happy and peaceful!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

A friend of mine brought her husband to town from another state him and her elderly mom, me, he and her baby went to the zoo. So all of us except the baby and her husband knew their way around the zoo. But he wanted to lead instead of follow and when we wouldn't go with him because we knew he was not going any place we wanted to go, he snatched the baby out of the mother's arms and took off with the baby because he thought that that would make her have to follow him.

But instead we just went off in another direction and let him carry the child around the zoo and get lost for as long as he wanted to.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

I'm a fast walker, but I maintain my pace with my boyfriend. Sometimes he tries to compete with me and he is out of breath by the time we go 5 ft. But for your husband to do that to you, knowing your condition is just inconsiderate.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> A friend of mine brought her husband to town from another state him and her elderly mom her baby went to the zoo. So all of us except the baby and her husband knew their way around the zoo. But he wanted to lead instead of follow and when we wouldn't go with him because we knew he was not going any place we wanted to go, he snatched the baby out of the mother's arms took off with the baby because he thought that that would make her have to follow him.
> 
> But instead we just went off in another direction and let him carry the child around the zoo and get lost for as long as he wanted to.


Well that backfired on him, didn't it? 😂


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Well that backfired on him, didn't it? 😂


Yeah. You can't change their behavior. All you can do is change yours. So if what you were doing isn't working then just keep changing it until something does.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Scott's Wife said:


> Does anyone have any idea why he does this? Why he won't/can't change? What else I can do about it?


How is your relationship apart from this issue?


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

My husband has long legs and he walks fast. I'm short and my legs are very short. 

When we travel or go places where we have to walk, he walks, stops, looks back and waits. Sometimes he's annoyed, but over the years I've told him many times not to wait for me. I actually like walking behind him and by myself to enjoy the scenery. I usually text him letting him know where I am. 

Sometimes my husband drops me off at a restaurant or a store, knowing it's going to take me a little bit to reach the place from the parking lot. If he walks really fast in front of me it's because we are late for a reservation or something like that. 

I think you should look after yourself without caring about what he thinks. If you go places ask him to drop you off at the entrance. If he doesn't want to ride the subway or get a taxi, you can always get an Uber and meet him wherever you guys need to go. 

You need to care about your health first.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I would say if this is the biggest issue in your marriage, consider yourself lucky.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I feel like he has some resentment toward you to do what he's doing. You have fibromyalgia. That and lupus are two chronic pain conditions have a history of other people not believing they exist because it's kind of intangible or sometimes comes and goes.

I'm thinking you should try not to go any place with him where you have to walk since he doesn't have any sympathy for your condition. If his condition amounted to anything he wouldn't be doing that. I feel he somehow trying to cancel out the fact that you have a physical pain condition by minimizing it and ignoring it and saying he has one too. Not nice.

I mean there's really no point in going someplace with someone if they're not even going to stay with you and be company for you or at least act as a good chauffeur who makes it easier for you to get where you're going by dropping you off at the door and the being considerate which it doesn't sound like he will ever do.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

So I walk faster than my wife *usually*. Lately I am pretty broken and damaged from injuries and working out and when I am like that she walks ahead. But I don’t like losing or being crippled so I will strain and sometimes even perspire to mostly keep up with her.

When I walk too fast she says, “I have short legs”. Only she can keep up with me when I walk, she just chooses not to.

I choose to keep up with her.

Either way I slow down when she starts lagging behind. If there’s one thing I learned it’s out walking your wife (if you can) is a sure fire recipe for pissed off wife.

Speaking of which we are now up to 465 consecutive days of afternoon walking without having an argument about walking speed.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I would say if this is the biggest issue in your marriage, consider yourself lucky.


Disrespect is a pretty foundational problem in a marriage.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Scott's Wife said:


> Does anyone have any idea why he does this? Why he won't/can't change? What else I can do about it?


The simplest explanation is that you both have different goals. He may not consider the journey to the destination important, so he wants to get the journey over with.
Whereas you're more of a sight seer, wanting to see everything on the way to the destination.

He's being insensitive about your safety, which would be a concern for me.
Yes, not likely going to change.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

I don’t walk too fast, but often my wife lags behind me. I will notice she not by my side, have to stop and look behind to find her. Ask her if we are in Japan lol. I solved it by just holding her hand when we are out walking. There are places like NYC where keeping woman close and shielded is a safety factor.

What would happen if you grabbed his hand when with him? Surely he wouldnt just drag you around.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Disrespect is a pretty foundational problem in a marriage.


That is very true. However, if this is the only way he exhibits that behavior I still don't think it is that bad of a situation. I suspect you on to something though. I bet there are more ways that he shows some level of disrespect than just walking ahead of her.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

my wife is always a couple steps ahead of me, she is a fast walker. it does me no good to catch up, because she just speeds up so she is still a few steps ahead of me. 

maybe i should tie a rope between her two ankles to hobble her?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> my wife is always a couple steps ahead of me, she is a fast walker. it does me no good to catch up, because she just speeds up so she is still a few steps ahead of me.
> 
> maybe i should tie a rope between her two ankles to hobble her?


Just in case.



















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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> my wife is always a couple steps ahead of me, she is a fast walker. it does me no good to catch up, because she just speeds up so she is still a few steps ahead of me.
> 
> maybe i should tie a rope between her two ankles to hobble her?


But that’s because you’re “Talker” not “Walker”. Come on man.

*** I tried to resist, really


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

Other posters have some great suggestions on how to just him go and you continue or go as needed. Your whole post is about him walking ahead but I don’t know … your description of the night he made the comment about you starting a fight before even making it to the restaurant and being obnoxious in opening the door tells me this is really about something else 🤔.

Whenevr my husband has made that exact comment to me it’s been because we have been arguing a lot (about whatever) and he is resentful in some way … like he feels like he asks me to either stop doing something that bothers him or me not doing something bothers him and now how dare i make a request of him when I have ignored his requests.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

jsmart said:


> To me that is NOT loving. I walk faster than my wife, but I ALWAYS walk by her side. Even after being together for 35 years, 32 married, I like to hold her hand when we walk. Not that we walk hand in hand all the time but I let her know through my actions that she’s valued. To me, what your husband has been doing is cold and unloving.


I do the same. My wife says I walk at "NYC speed" -- I used to work there for decades, so she has a point. I make sure I just grab her hand and SHE regulates how fast I walk (plus I get to hold her hand, so win win).


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

When he wants you to walk instead of taking a car or other transportation, tell him to go ahead and you'll meet him there. You don't have to not get a ride just because he doesn't want to. I get the feeling he likes you rushing around behind him begging him to wait. Just start getting a ride or drive yourself.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> A friend of mine brought her husband to town from another state him and her elderly mom, me, he and her baby went to the zoo. So all of us except the baby and her husband knew their way around the zoo. But he wanted to lead instead of follow and when we wouldn't go with him because we knew he was not going any place we wanted to go, he snatched the baby out of the mother's arms and took off with the baby because he thought that that would make her have to follow him.
> 
> But instead we just went off in another direction and let him carry the child around the zoo and get lost for as long as he wanted to.


On the surface that's funny, and some good comeuppance, and I hope it nipped that behaviour in the bud. Because that was very condescending and manipulative of him. He assumed he knew better than people who had been there before, and he used a baby as a manipulation tool. Not good. I hope this behaviour doesn't manifest in other ways, or their relationship could be in trouble.

Something similar is going on with the original poster. Her husband doesn't care about her feelings, and doesn't want to compromise his walking speed even for the pleasure of her company. I wonder if this poor attitude about their connection and lack of respect manifests in the relationship in other ways.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> On the surface that's funny, and some good comeuppance, and I hope it nipped that behaviour in the bud. Because that was very condescending and manipulative of him. He assumed he knew better than people who had been there before, and he used a baby as a manipulation tool. Not good. I hope this behaviour doesn't manifest in other ways, or their relationship could be in trouble.
> 
> Something similar is going on with the original poster. Her husband doesn't care about her feelings, and doesn't want to compromise his walking speed even for the pleasure of her company. I wonder if this poor attitude about their connection and lack of respect manifests in the relationship in other ways.


He's always done stuff like that. They're divorcing but they were married a long time.


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

I understand how you feel and yes thats insensitive, however like some people have said already, its a hardened habit difficult to break. However you can make it clear to him that you have an issue keeping up, and what this will entail is that its better that you roam about separately as its defeats the idea of roaming about together. I also think there's an undertone of spite in his language which ordinarily shouldn't be there. And that he has to understand that you do have physical issues that you're dealing with, and he has to be sensitive to that as well.


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## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

Agree with most that’s been said. He appears to be dismissive and unempathetic to you throughout the years on this issue. The fact that he hasn’t adjusted during your different stages and helped with children in tow and seems to not believe in your health issues is concerning.

You can’t change him. You can only change your behavior. Like others have suggested, I would also change directions or disappear or simply return home when he does this. No whining. No passive aggression. When he confronts you, be honest about why and how it makes you feel and remind him you’ve asked him many times before to walk with you. Finally, he will actually have to deal with consequences of being disrespectful to you, and he’s not going to like it. Let him not like it.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> But that’s because you’re “Talker” not “Walker”. Come on man.
> 
> *** I tried to resist, really


so i can talk the talk but can not walk the walk?
i see.
That explains a lot.

but me love her, long time....


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> so i can talk the talk but can not walk the walk?
> i see.
> That explains a lot.
> 
> but me love her, long time....


You can talk the walk but not walk the talk.

Humming 'Walks like a lady'? - Journey


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

jlg07 said:


> I do the same. My wife says I walk at "NYC speed" -- I used to work there for decades, so she has a point. I make sure I just grab her hand and SHE regulates how fast I walk (plus I get to hold her hand, so win win).


Ha, I’m originally from NYC, so I know exactly what you’re talking about.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Scott's Wife said:


> So I added, "You know, it's incredibly rude when you walk way in front of me like this." He replied, "Oh, are we going to have a fight even before we get to the restaurant?" Funny thing for him to say, because up to that point we had been having a very pleasant day together and I was looking forward to spending a nice time with him at dinner. I felt like he was saying that just to be defensive rather than simply slowing his pace so I could catch up. When we got to the restaurant, he made a Big Deal out of opening the door for me, like he was mocking me for wanting to be treated with consideration. He said, "Here, I'll open the door for you so you don't have to do it." He laughed, like he expected me to smile at his charming manners. I felt disrespected and minimized.


When I read such stories I am blown away what stupid things people are fighting about. They are making their lives miserable themselves out of nothing.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

romantic_dreamer said:


> When I read such stories I am blown away what stupid things people are fighting about.


It won't be about the walking, really.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Laurentium said:


> It won't be about the walking, really.


Yes to me it is more like a lack of concern and caring.


Even if you discount she's an adult. To leave your small children to cross a street alone with their Mom speaks volumes to his inability to think about anyone outside himself.

I'd be surprised if this attitude doesn't show up in other places in the relationship too.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

D0nnivain said:


> It's been going on far too long for you to get him to change. In your shoes, I would literally change directions once you were left. Keep a set of car keys with you & just to your own thing when he disappears. After a few incidents of this he may change his ways. When he gets angry about you not following him, calmly reply that his lifetime of walking away from you has proven to you that he doesn't care where you go so you don't understand why he's so upset. Clearly if you mattered to him, he'd stay by your side.


I really like this.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

My youngest son and I are very fast walkers. Our ladies are not.

We have both had times where we had to be reminded to slow down when we're out with them but we weren't untrainable.

We are also both very protective and concerned for the safety of our ladies and families so it wasn't a hard adjustment to keep close to them when we're out.

@Scott's Wife , without knowing your husband, he doesn't seem to be able to associate intimacy with walking and his pleasure of moving quickly to his goal supercedes other considerations like being close to you and not leaving you behind.

I really like @D0nnivain 's suggestion and I think you should plan to implement some form of independence wherever walking somewhere with your husband is concerned.

You might even try just meeting him at different places and not traveling together at all. Take a taxi or Uber or even drive yourself to meet with him.

If he gets ruffled about it, you can calmly inform him that this way makes it better for the both of you.

If he doesn't want you doing your own traveling but still wants you to carry on struggling behind him then something else is off kilter and I would suggest possibly getting some counseling to figure it out.

Regardless, there is no reason for you to keep subjecting yourself to his relentless pace and getting your hopes for consideration and intimacy squashed.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I don’t think it’s too much to ask that someone slow down. If I am pressed for time and want to get three fast I will naturally walk faster but if I feel my wife lagging behind I just slow down. Sometimes it gets bone crushingly slow to me like I am an actor or something and it feels ridiculous.

But in the end does it really even matter?

No!

Who cares if you go slower that day and sometimes even get passed by a turtle or snail? It doesn’t matter.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Scott's Wife said:


> I love my husband and we have made a good team as parents over the years. We don't argue often and generally have a nice life together. But when he walks in front of me I feel like his subordinate. I feel uncared for. I think he has bad manners and is not doing himself any favors when it comes to intimacy. I wonder why he doesn't seem to realize that it's not just about walking ahead of me (and the kids). It's about being loving and considerate.
> 
> After 40 years of walking ahead of me, I realize that he is unlikely to change. (Yes, when we were dating he did walk beside me, although he didn't like to hold hands because he felt that was too much PDF. And no, I am not ugly or embarrassing-looking, I don't dress weird, or anything like that.)
> 
> Does anyone have any idea why he does this? Why he won't/can't change? What else I can do about it?


It sounds like your husband is just a very strong-willed man who doesn't have a lot of respect for you as his wife. If you're burdened with a few packages, why isn't he helping you? Have you mentioned to him that when you feel so uncared for an beneath him, you really don't feel like being intimate with him? You say that you guys have been a good team as parents, but from what I read, he has saddled you with the brunt of the responsibility. It can't be much fun walking through a theme park with 2 or 4 kids that you have to keep in line while your husband roams free up ahead. 

You ask why he does this: my thoughts are that it's because he can. He's gotten used to it, and will continue to do it unless you sit him down and make him listen.

Yes, you're right, at this point, he's unlikely to change, so it's either you who is going to have to change and be OK with this, or you're going to have to sit him down and let him know exactly how this makes you feel. Ask him if he would like to act like your partner/equal, and if the answer is "no" and you don't like that, you're going to have a hard decision to make.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

D0nnivain said:


> It's been going on far too long for you to get him to change. In your shoes, I would literally change directions once you were left. Keep a set of car keys with you & just to your own thing when he disappears. After a few incidents of this he may change his ways. When he gets angry about you not following him, calmly reply that his lifetime of walking away from you has proven to you that he doesn't care where you go so you don't understand why he's so upset. Clearly if you mattered to him, he'd stay by your side.


I already posted something totally different, but I'm on board this this post here. If that were my husband, this is what I'd do. He would have zero right to get mad at you if you were to follow through with this.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

you could scour the internet for pictures of HAPPY COUPLES WALKING TOGETHER, holding hands.

then next time he takes off, start texting him a some pics...


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

I'm surprised by how few view this as blatant disrespect. I walk at a much faster pace than my hubby, but when I am with him I know to slow down and meander around to keep pace. Is this such a huge concession for a loving spouse to make? Have I been sacrificing cruising through the mall at breakneck speed for naught? No, I actually enjoy navigating, strolling, laughing and talking to my partner or whoever I am walking with. Is this a rare quality? I only thought it was the only thing to do to not be a total you know what!

Sent from my SM-J327VPP using Tapatalk


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## David-W (10 mo ago)

Scott's Wife said:


> For most of our 40 years of marriage, my husband has persisted in walking ahead of me. Not like a few feet...it's anywhere from 10 feet to one-half a city block! He continues to do this despite my asking him (nicely at first) please slow down. Last evening as we were walking from our car down the sidewalk to a restaurant, he did it again. I asked him to slow down (my fibromyalgia was flaring up and making my knees very sore, which he was aware of) but he didn't. So I added, "You know, it's incredibly rude when you walk way in front of me like this." He replied, "Oh, are we going to have a fight even before we get to the restaurant?" Funny thing for him to say, because up to that point we had been having a very pleasant day together and I was looking forward to spending a nice time with him at dinner. I felt like he was saying that just to be defensive rather than simply slowing his pace so I could catch up. When we got to the restaurant, he made a Big Deal out of opening the door for me, like he was mocking me for wanting to be treated with consideration. He said, "Here, I'll open the door for you so you don't have to do it." He laughed, like he expected me to smile at his charming manners. I felt disrespected and minimized.
> 
> This is not a new pattern. We have four grown children. When they were young and had short little legs, or were in a stroller, or I was large with pregnancy (often a combination of all three of these conditions), my husband would walk way ahead of me and the kids. Sometimes he would cross a street without us and then wait on the other side while I trundled across with the little ones. At amusement parks, I would sometimes get separated from him because he walked so far ahead he got lost in the crowd. After our two older kids were big enough to walk faster, he would walk ahead with them, leaving me far behind with the toddler and baby stroller. When I would complain and ask him to slow down so that we could all stay together, he would explain that he was rushing ahead to get a better place in line for the ride. He didn't seem to register that I might need some help maneuvering through crowded places with young children in tow. I would ask nicely, then I would ask more strongly, but he never could seem to make himself slow down for more than a few minutes...then he was back up ahead somewhere far in the distance.
> 
> ...


I think this is a totally rude and disrespectful thing for him to do. I always see this same behavior with a particular couple in the park where I walk and it blows my mind. Maybe arrange for another man you know to bump into you at the park and start walking and talking together while your husband callously walks ahead. I get the feeling he would slow down then.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

David-W said:


> I think this is a totally rude and disrespectful thing for him to do. I always see this same behavior with a particular couple in the park where I walk and it blows my mind. Maybe arrange for another man you know to bump into you at the park and start walking and talking together while your husband callously walks ahead. I get the feeling he would slow down then.


Fast forward to a thread from a husband who says his wife walks slow in the park so she can pick up dudes in front of him. 😂


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

With all the craziness (and crazy people) out there why in the world would a grown @$$ man leave his wife vulnerable?? He's supposed to be there to protect you and help you. Your husband is about HIM. He's selfish and beats to HIS own agenda.

Next time he does this, make sure you have the car keys or call an Uber to come get you and just leave his @$$!!


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Ursula said:


> Yes, you're right, at this point, he's unlikely to change, so it's either you who is going to have to change and be OK with this, or you're going to have to sit him down and let him know exactly how this makes you feel.


Good post. I agree with most of it, although the above quote I respectfully disagree. He already knows how she feels. He doesn't care. Talking more won't do it. She will have to take some sort of action to get his attention, maybe walking away as described in the other post. Otherwise, he has no incentive to change at this point.


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## Myself Being Myself (10 mo ago)

Wow, I am so thankful for the variety of responses my post has received. Some of your suggestions made me laugh ("try a leash"). Other suggestions such as "get your own cab and meet him at your destination" make good sense and I plan to try this in the future. You are an insightful group of people and have given me lots of food for thought. Several of you have said that you felt that my husband's insistence on walking ahead of me could be an indicator of a pattern of disrespect in our marriage. And you are right about that too.

A few years ago, when I was trying to stand my ground in some disagreement we were having, my husband suddenly went nuclear and threatened divorce. I was totally surprised and thought it was a complete overreaction to a basic difference of opinion. I decided to take his words seriously because I didn't like being threatened like that and also because I wanted to understand his feelings behind dropping the "D-bomb". I suggested marriage counseling and got a recommendation for a really great therapist. We went to about five sessions together. Even though he liked the counselor, he then decided that it was too time-consuming for his busy schedule to attend these sessions twice a month. He also said that he thought I was the one who really needed counseling, not him. So he stopped going. Three years later, I am still regularly seeing this same counselor and have found it very helpful and supportive. I guess you could say that this is another way in which my husband has chosen not to walk beside me. But I am learning much about myself and I'm glad that the therapist at least had a chance to meet my husband and begin to know him. She liked him and had a chance to gain a little bit of insight into how he thinks, which has been helpful. 

So yes, those of you who suspect that there is a problem with disrespect in my marriage are right. It seems that I have allowed myself to be "the subordinate one" from the beginning. We were married when I was just barely 20 years old and he was 23. I was in love with him and wanted to be with him, so I dropped out of college to work and support us financially while he finished his college degree. It occurs to me now, from a distance of 40 years later, that in dropping out of college while he continued to attend, I made my own plans second-fiddle to his. At the time, it seemed pragmatic but now I see that I was placing my husband's needs above mine. Apparently, this set the pattern. Even though I worked as a secretary for the first five years of our marriage, before having our first child, my husband's college degree allowed him to earn a much higher salary and my earnings were always considered by him to be "small potatoes" compared to his, even though I worked hard to earn it. Later, when I became a stay-at-home mom, his status as the sole breadwinner gave him the right to decide where we would live and how the money would be spent or invested. With my hands full homeschooling our special-needs eldest child while managing the care of the younger three kids, I guess I was happy to stand aside and let my husband steer the financial boat. But as we all know, the person in charge of the money is always the person with the most power. I think my husband felt that since he had the huge responsibility of keeping our family afloat financially that he was the captain of the ship and this naturally relegated me to first-mate. The first-mate takes orders from the captain. And there you have it. We have never really been equal partners. I see that now.

In case anyone is wondering if I am just a totally spineless woman, I want to add that, at the age of 45, I did return to college full-time and earned a Bachelor's Degree (in Elementary Education). Not easy after being out of school for 25 years, not easy while still raising teenagers. But I did it. And I do think that having a college degree elevated my worth in my husband's eyes, even though my beginning teacher's pay has been peanuts compared to his big paycheck. Having a career of my own and earning money was never my dream but raising a beautiful family was always my focus. Now that I've done both of these things, I know that caring for my loved ones is the greatest thing there is.

Now that I've had the chance to consider all of the responses to my post and reflect on my past, I think that from now on I won't worry about whether my husband is walking with me or in front of me. Where he is will no longer be my chief point of reference. I will walk at my own pace, according to my needs (and my sore knees!). And if he wants to be with me, he will have to slow down or wait while I catch up. From now on, I will be my own point of reference.

Thanks again to members of this group.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

@Scott's Wife, your post is so great. SO GREAT. I think you should ask to change your username to reflect YOU, because you are and always have been so much more important than just someone's wife. You're the star of the movie of your life, not an extra in the movie of his. 🤩🥳🥰


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## Myself Being Myself (10 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> @Scott's Wife, your post is so great. SO GREAT. I think you should ask to change your username to reflect YOU, because you are and always have been so much more important than just someone's wife. You're the star of the movie of your life, not an extra in the movie of his. 🤩🥳🥰


Texas Mom, thank you for your encouragement. That's a brilliant idea and I am already thinking of a new name that reflects ME.😊


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Scott's Wife said:


> Texas Mom, thank you for your encouragement. That's a brilliant idea and I am already thinking of a new name that reflects ME.😊


The FAQ says to use “Contact Us” at the bottom of the FAQ page to ask for a name change.
”How to change your username” is one of the FAQ topics, so probably good to check that.

I wanted to add some name suggestions that would highlight your awesomeness… but I stink at picking names.
Good luck with your new direction SW. You got this!


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## Myself Being Myself (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> The FAQ says to use “Contact Us” at the bottom of the FAQ page to ask for a name change.
> ”How to change your username” is one of the FAQ topics, so probably good to check that.
> 
> I wanted to add some name suggestions that would highlight your awesomeness… but I stink at picking names.
> Good luck with your new direction SW. You got this!


Aww, thanks for trying. I think my new name will be a better fit.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

theloveofmylife said:


> Good post. I agree with most of it, although the above quote I respectfully disagree. He already knows how she feels. He doesn't care. Talking more won't do it. She will have to take some sort of action to get his attention, maybe walking away as described in the other post. Otherwise, he has no incentive to change at this point.


Thanks, and yeah, I agree with you! I wrote that initial post before reading any of the comment. @D0nnivain had a great idea about the OP keeping a set of car keys with her, and changing directions once he walks away. This is what I would do if I were in OP's situation.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

jsmart said:


> Ha, I’m originally from NYC, so I know exactly what you’re talking about.


Me tooooo!!


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Scott's Wife said:


> Wow, I am so thankful for the variety of responses my post has received. Some of your suggestions made me laugh ("try a leash"). Other suggestions such as "get your own cab and meet him at your destination" make good sense and I plan to try this in the future. You are an insightful group of people and have given me lots of food for thought. Several of you have said that you felt that my husband's insistence on walking ahead of me could be an indicator of a pattern of disrespect in our marriage. And you are right about that too.
> 
> A few years ago, when I was trying to stand my ground in some disagreement we were having, my husband suddenly went nuclear and threatened divorce. I was totally surprised and thought it was a complete overreaction to a basic difference of opinion. I decided to take his words seriously because I didn't like being threatened like that and also because I wanted to understand his feelings behind dropping the "D-bomb". I suggested marriage counseling and got a recommendation for a really great therapist. We went to about five sessions together. Even though he liked the counselor, he then decided that it was too time-consuming for his busy schedule to attend these sessions twice a month. He also said that he thought I was the one who really needed counseling, not him. So he stopped going. Three years later, I am still regularly seeing this same counselor and have found it very helpful and supportive. I guess you could say that this is another way in which my husband has chosen not to walk beside me. But I am learning much about myself and I'm glad that the therapist at least had a chance to meet my husband and begin to know him. She liked him and had a chance to gain a little bit of insight into how he thinks, which has been helpful.
> 
> ...


Love this 1,000x's!!! ❣


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## Travelmom (10 mo ago)

Myself Being Myself said:


> For most of our 40 years of marriage, my husband has persisted in walking ahead of me. Not like a few feet...it's anywhere from 10 feet to one-half a city block! He continues to do this despite my asking him (nicely at first) please slow down. Last evening as we were walking from our car down the sidewalk to a restaurant, he did it again. I asked him to slow down (my fibromyalgia was flaring up and making my knees very sore, which he was aware of) but he didn't. So I added, "You know, it's incredibly rude when you walk way in front of me like this." He replied, "Oh, are we going to have a fight even before we get to the restaurant?" Funny thing for him to say, because up to that point we had been having a very pleasant day together and I was looking forward to spending a nice time with him at dinner. I felt like he was saying that just to be defensive rather than simply slowing his pace so I could catch up. When we got to the restaurant, he made a Big Deal out of opening the door for me, like he was mocking me for wanting to be treated with consideration. He said, "Here, I'll open the door for you so you don't have to do it." He laughed, like he expected me to smile at his charming manners. I felt disrespected and minimized.
> 
> This is not a new pattern. We have four grown children. When they were young and had short little legs, or were in a stroller, or I was large with pregnancy (often a combination of all three of these conditions), my husband would walk way ahead of me and the kids. Sometimes he would cross a street without us and then wait on the other side while I trundled across with the little ones. At amusement parks, I would sometimes get separated from him because he walked so far ahead he got lost in the crowd. After our two older kids were big enough to walk faster, he would walk ahead with them, leaving me far behind with the toddler and baby stroller. When I would complain and ask him to slow down so that we could all stay together, he would explain that he was rushing ahead to get a better place in line for the ride. He didn't seem to register that I might need some help maneuvering through crowded places with young children in tow. I would ask nicely, then I would ask more strongly, but he never could seem to make himself slow down for more than a few minutes...then he was back up ahead somewhere far in the distance.
> 
> ...


Lol. My kids refer to our vacations as forced marches because Dad walks so fast. When it became just the two of us, and I commented on him always walking in front, he started walking 5 paces behind. That was just as annoying. When he is behind, he breathes down my neck to try to get me to go faster. All I want is a man who walks beside me. BTW I am a fast walker.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Travelmom said:


> Lol. My kids refer to our vacations as forced marches because Dad walks so fast. When it became just the two of us, and I commented on him always walking in front, he started walking 5 paces behind. That was just as annoying. When he is behind, he breathes down my neck to try to get me to go faster. All I want is a man who walks beside me. BTW I am a fast walker.


This will solve that.


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## Myself Being Myself (10 mo ago)

Gee, I really am feeling way better about this than when I first posted. This is a great group of thoughtful, wise (and funny) people on TAM! Love y'all and thanks!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Like your new name!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

He’s just blatantly disrespectful. You tolerated it for waaaayyyy too long and now he finds a reason to disrespect you further by mocking you.

You don’t like it? Don’t walk with him. Drive separately and meet him there. Just be honest - tell him you don’t enjoy walking anywhere with him when he leaves you far behind like you’re an after thought.

And yes, he’s purposely mean.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Hmm.. from what you posted, sounds like you may be closer to my age than a lot of the posters here. I am a old school baby boomer in my 60s. And back "in my day", guys were supposed to walk on the outside, and escort their ladies by offering their arm, which the women would hold.

Sounds like he's old enough to remember that, and old enough to know better.

Someone should remind him.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Oh come on, she has reminded him - and he purposely chooses to continue doing what he knows is hurtful.

He’s mean. He’s passive aggressive. Then he makes fun of her when she points out how it hurts her feelings? That is NOT loving behavior!!!!!! That is downright horrible!


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## Defhero (Jan 5, 2022)

I do this subconsciously with my wife. 
We figured it out. I am tall, so 1 step is 3 steps to her. If I step and wait a second, then it feels like I am not getting anywhere. This really plays into effect when it is extremely crowded. For me, I want to blaze past everyone and she wants to walk normal and people watch. 
We love each other, but that is besides the point.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Beach123 said:


> Oh come on, she has reminded him - and he purposely chooses to continue doing what he knows is hurtful.


Oh, I didn't mean "remind him" as though he actually forgot. I meant "remind him" in a sort of "shame him" way.

He rationalizes it in some manner in his mind. Anyone who does wrong rationalizes their wrong in some way.

But by "reminding him"/"shaming him" or however you want to put it, you're pointing out that neutral third party society has long declared that his way in the wrong way.


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## Myself Being Myself (10 mo ago)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Hmm.. from what you posted, sounds like you may be closer to my age than a lot of the posters here. I am a old school baby boomer in my 60s. And back "in my day", guys were supposed to walk on the outside, and escort their ladies by offering their arm, which the women would hold.
> 
> Sounds like he's old enough to remember that, and old enough to know better.
> 
> Someone should remind him.


Yes, we are close in age. I was discussing with my sister this very thing that you mention--we were raised with the idea that the man should walk on the outside closer to the street, gentleman open car doors (this is only if the lady is dressed up for dinner or an event, not if you are both heading into Target), and open the door for women. I was also raised that men or younger people of either gender should offer their seat on a bus or subway to an older person (of either gender) if there are no extra seats available. The main idea was to extend common courtesy. It is about kindness. And yes, my husband was also raised this way, so he does know.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Wrong thread.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ccpowerslave said:


> I think the uncertainty principle will prove to be problematic.
> 
> I like Elon, I know a couple of people who work at Twitter so I hope he fixes the company.


Ummmm maybe wrong thread?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Ummmm maybe wrong thread?


Yup


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Your husband doesn’t respect you. That’s the basis of your relationship.

It’s always interesting that the complete disrespect shows up in these simple tasks.

He does it purposely - knowing it hurts you. 

He is mean.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Myself Being Myself said:


> Yes, we are close in age. I was discussing with my sister this very thing that you mention--we were raised with the idea that the man should walk on the outside closer to the street, gentleman open car doors (this is only if the lady is dressed up for dinner or an event, not if you are both heading into Target), and open the door for women. I was also raised that men or younger people of either gender should offer their seat on a bus or subway to an older person (of either gender) if there are no extra seats available. The main idea was to extend common courtesy. It is about kindness. And yes, my husband was also raised this way, so he does know.


Then he's just being a jerk.

(And, BTW, Mrs. Wolfman stands next to the car door until I open it, even if we are just going to Target, etc.).


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

My mom has said this often about my dad, too - he walks way ahead of her, and it makes her feel like they're not connected, or that he doesn't want to be seen with her. I don't think that's it, my dad just walks fast to ''get there,'' as he puts it. lol I think if you let your husband know your feelings when you're just relaxing at home or something, maybe he'll listen better. I like the idea of holding hands, that another member suggested. My husband and I hold hands, but on occasion, he walks ahead...usually will say why, but I don't care because it's not often. If this is something you've had to just tolerate, then I can see why you're upset about it.

Not sure if I've helped...


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Then he's just being a jerk.
> 
> (And, BTW, Mrs. Wolfman stands next to the car door until I open it, even if we are just going to Target, etc.).


To this day, after 29 years together that's exactly how I treat my wife. Even when we drive to the park for our run, I open the car's door for her.


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## Miz_Miz (5 mo ago)

Myself Being Myself said:


> For most of our 40 years of marriage, my husband has persisted in walking ahead of me. Not like a few feet...it's anywhere from 10 feet to one-half a city block! He continues to do this despite my asking him (nicely at first) please slow down. Last evening as we were walking from our car down the sidewalk to a restaurant, he did it again. I asked him to slow down (my fibromyalgia was flaring up and making my knees very sore, which he was aware of) but he didn't. So I added, "You know, it's incredibly rude when you walk way in front of me like this." He replied, "Oh, are we going to have a fight even before we get to the restaurant?" Funny thing for him to say, because up to that point we had been having a very pleasant day together and I was looking forward to spending a nice time with him at dinner. I felt like he was saying that just to be defensive rather than simply slowing his pace so I could catch up. When we got to the restaurant, he made a Big Deal out of opening the door for me, like he was mocking me for wanting to be treated with consideration. He said, "Here, I'll open the door for you so you don't have to do it." He laughed, like he expected me to smile at his charming manners. I felt disrespected and minimized.
> 
> This is not a new pattern. We have four grown children. When they were young and had short little legs, or were in a stroller, or I was large with pregnancy (often a combination of all three of these conditions), my husband would walk way ahead of me and the kids. Sometimes he would cross a street without us and then wait on the other side while I trundled across with the little ones. At amusement parks, I would sometimes get separated from him because he walked so far ahead he got lost in the crowd. After our two older kids were big enough to walk faster, he would walk ahead with them, leaving me far behind with the toddler and baby stroller. When I would complain and ask him to slow down so that we could all stay together, he would explain that he was rushing ahead to get a better place in line for the ride. He didn't seem to register that I might need some help maneuvering through crowded places with young children in tow. I would ask nicely, then I would ask more strongly, but he never could seem to make himself slow down for more than a few minutes...then he was back up ahead somewhere far in the distance.
> 
> ...


Just finding this, after yet another incident in which my long-legged husband persisted in walking ahead of me even though I was in heels on brick pavement wearing a formal gown and could not walk at my usual fast clip. He denied that he was walking ahead of me (!!!), complained when I asked him to slow down, said "I *am" slowed down" though he slowed for exactly three steps. Finally I grabbed his arm, locked my elbow around his as if he were actually being polite and walking with me to the fancy venue in public in our formal wear...instead of leaving me three steps behind like some kind of concubine.

As others have observed about the OP's situation, his actions are a symptom. To me this behavior is disrespectful and rude. My husband doesn't see it as such, and dismisses my feelings. I basically stopped giving a damn a long time ago...but clearly I still let this stuff get to me now and again.

He behaves rudely to me in other ways, too, telling me that my personal perceptions are wrong (how some foods taste, for crying out loud) or dismissing my opinions. He speaks brusquely with no finesse (though he is thoughtful and polite with his staff at work). He cannot understand what it is about his behavior that I find so disrespectful even when I explain it to him in detail and dispassionately. Not once has he asked me what's funny when I laugh aloud at something I'm reading. He barely reacts when I share something with him...which I seldom bother to do anymore. He tells other people he loves me, but not myself to my face. 

His father, who himself was crippled emotionally by _his_ upbringing in the last century, behaved in similar ways I considered disrespectful to his sweet mother, but never walked ahead of her. They were literally hand in hand for 76 years of marriage. Now that the old man is gone, maybe my husband can stop feeling he needs to act like him. But his therapy is not my responsibility.

We've been married 29 years, together 30. The kids are grown. We still have a house and interests and friends in common...but honestly if either of us disappeared tomorrow, I think the other would do just fine. I know I would.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Could it be you have fibromyalgia abd just walk incredibly slow and he’s kind of given up on matching your speed from frustration?


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Miz_Miz said:


> As others have observed about the OP's situation, his actions are a symptom.


Indeed. Also, you might want to start your own thread, so you can get responses. 

Welcome aboard.


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