# Want to work things out (warning:long read)



## Dan G (Nov 27, 2010)

Hello, this is my first post here and I'm glad I've found a place to talk about things.

I've been married for a little over 10 years and my wife and I have been on a roller coaster of highs and lows (mostly lows) the whole time. We have 3 awesome boys together and we both put them in the highest priority. I have been diagnosed, in the past before marriage, with bipolar disorder. My moods generally go from very happy and borderline annoyingly playful to down in the dumps, don't want to talk to anyone, sad. My wife is definetly emotionally stable and level-headed. The first few years of our marriage were extremely tumultuous. I always wanted to go out with friends and have a good time, while she stayed at home to care for the little ones. She was so loving and caring; so much so, I felt I was being smothered. She never wanted to go out and do things with friends or even on her own (we both are physically active people who love to ride bikes, run, workout, etc.). She only wanted to do things as a family, and with a baby and a toddler, it was very limiting. We had many verbal fights and I always stormed out after saying hurtful things to her. I had somewhat of a drinking problem then (I haven't drank in the past 2.5 years) and it only made things worse. I would tell her that we weren't meant to be together and that the only reason I was with her was because of the kids. Over the years, our sexual relationship became nil, and our feelngs of love for each other diminished to zero. Recently, she has been going out and coming home very late or even early the next day. She is self employed and goes to auctions, then afterwards, out for drinks and who knows what. Since I have stopped drinking, my bipolar has leveled out immensely, but I am still quick to react negatively to certain things and my attitude drives the wedge between us even deeper. I find myself wanting to be closer to her now but it may be too late. I am falling back into love with her and I am willing to do anything to be the husband that she deserves. I get sick to my stomach and more anxious than I have ever been when she goes out now. It seems our roles are now reversed. Where I was the free spirit and she was the home body, I am now content to be at home and want to do things that involve the whole family while she wants her "me time". I still go mountain biking, with her blessing, and thats good. I have had a couple heart to heart talks with her just recently and I opened myself up to her fully. I let her know that I love her, hold no regrets and accept her going out. I explained to her that I want her to be happy and if thats what she needs, so be it. She does not reciprocate the same feelings of love and says that she has put up a wall over the years that she doesn't know will ever come down. I am devestated when she shows no emotion to me, and can't even make eye contact for longer than a glance. Any hugs or cheek kisses are met with a weird look and cold, turn-away. I am desperate for this to work, but I know that she needs time to assess her life and who she is. I feel so insecure now and let her know that I will change. I realize that I have to walk the walk, but she is unable to give me any glint of hope that she will ever feel anything again. It feels like I am running a race that may never end. What can I do? I love her so much and I know what she needs in order to feel close to me (she let me know). I have been, and continue to help her (with a good positive attidude)with household, and kid duties, support her physically and emotionally with everything, but to no avail. I have no intention of shutting down and giving up on her. All I want is for her to be happy and feel like she can lean on me. Anyone have any ideas about this? Thank you!


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

Dan G said:


> She was so loving and caring; so much so, I felt I was being smothered.
> 
> We had many verbal fights and I always stormed out after saying hurtful things to her.
> 
> I would tell her that we weren't meant to be together and that the only reason I was with her was because of the kids.


These are tremendous hurdles to overcome and any lapses on your part will likely throw up another, larger wall.

How sure are you right now that you can accept her love as she gives it, and not be smothered again?

Try and seek out some counseling to find out why you felt smothered to begin with.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

hi she is dealing with your behivor form years ago, and since you had a wonderfu time its like whats good for the goose is good for the gander. theres a lot of restment, a lot of animosity, and anger that has built up, and she is prob "done". 

if you can get her to open up about it, together yall can start to work on it. i read she deflects your kind gestures, this is normal. she is very upset and you cant just kiss and make up.

it will take some time. you will have to start the dialog, maybe she does want out, but you will have to find out if there is a glimmer of a spark of what was.

keep on doing nice things, try talking to her not in a finger pointing way and ask point blank, where did it start to go south. when did the hurt not hurt as much. be kind a gentle with words. she will still be very angry, b/c this is still open, and she will yell and scream but do not engage this..it will not help.

she will come around to talking, but it will be very hard to hear what she has to say. and dont try to defend your behavior, you must take full responsibility for any and all actions.

hope this helps a little. congrats on 2.5 years of clean livin..


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## Dan G (Nov 27, 2010)

Thank you for the helpful words. I have been very careful in choosing my words when starting dialog with her, focusing on being empathetic towards her and her experience with me. Now that I am on the receiving end of the coldness, I see and feel first hand what she must have been going through. Its not pretty. I have told her that I feel ashamed for the things that I have done, and that I will remain here for her to talk with me if she feels she needs to. She is so strong willed and stubborn. She knows this about herself as well. The last thing I want to do is come across as needy and desperate, because I know that this will only make her think I am not the stable rock she is looking for. Its hard to keep from approaching her every chance I get because I just want to air it all out and make amends. My confidence waivers every time she walks out the door. I get so emotionally worked up that I break down and cry. This is going to be a long road, but I know that she is worth it. I just have to hang in there and keep making it known that I'm available for her if she needs to talk. I have been going out of my way to do things that I never did very much to try and help her (daily duties, etc.). 

Last night she went out and didn't get home until almost 6am. I tried to go to bed at 1am but couldn't sleep. My heart and thoughts were racing. I ended up staying up until she arrived. When she came in I said "You made it!" in a neutral and happy tone. She seemed surprised, and immediately told me that she had been out for drinks and then coffee. Then she said "well, I'm going to bed, are you?" I shook my head no. She may have been intoxicated, but I'm afraid to ask for fear of her getting defensive and closing up more. I never stayed out all night, and I always called her to let her know I was headed home. Is she really this unable to see the pain I'm in when she does this, or is she trying to give me a taste of bad medicine? I literally feel like my heart is being trampled. I'm head over heels in love with her. I want her to smother me! I want to be her best friend. If she ends up comng back to me emotionally, it will have all been totally worth it. It's just really hard to stay positive when she knows that it hurts to see her go. I have to say though, she is a great communicator and is willing to hear what I have to say. It just ends up with her saying that she needs to find herself and that she feels no emotion towards me.
Easily the hardest thing I've had to accept in my life. I guess I'm lucky in the fact that she hasn't kicked me out or hasn't been unfaithful (I hope!).


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Dan,
I know this is tough. If you want to maximize the chance of success: 
1. Stop telling her how you feel. You can BE loving but stop saying it as it is uncomfortable for her when she cannot respond in kind. Light affection, acts of service etc. All good. But don't go over the top it will seem desperate. 
2. Stop talking about how you feel. 
3. Be upbeat and confident and playful - I know it is hard
4. Do not crowd her when she is home. 
4. Don't ask her what she is doing/etc UNLESS you see some real evidence of an affair. At which point you have to do the Affaircare stuff which is to say: I am here for you and committed to the marriage. I am willing to be patient. I am not however going to tolerate an affair. If you want to play the field you need to let me know and we can part ways amicably and immediately. And then stay firm. If she tries to blameshift you need to play the "I need you to look me in the eye and swear on our children that you are not pursuing a romantic relationship with anyone else". Because if you allow an affair you have basically no chance of repair. 








Dan G said:


> Thank you for the helpful words. I have been very careful in choosing my words when starting dialog with her, focusing on being empathetic towards her and her experience with me. Now that I am on the receiving end of the coldness, I see and feel first hand what she must have been going through. Its not pretty. I have told her that I feel ashamed for the things that I have done, and that I will remain here for her to talk with me if she feels she needs to. She is so strong willed and stubborn. She knows this about herself as well. The last thing I want to do is come across as needy and desperate, because I know that this will only make her think I am not the stable rock she is looking for. Its hard to keep from approaching her every chance I get because I just want to air it all out and make amends. My confidence waivers every time she walks out the door. I get so emotionally worked up that I break down and cry. This is going to be a long road, but I know that she is worth it. I just have to hang in there and keep making it known that I'm available for her if she needs to talk. I have been going out of my way to do things that I never did very much to try and help her (daily duties, etc.).
> 
> Last night she went out and didn't get home until almost 6am. I tried to go to bed at 1am but couldn't sleep. My heart and thoughts were racing. I ended up staying up until she arrived. When she came in I said "You made it!" in a neutral and happy tone. She seemed surprised, and immediately told me that she had been out for drinks and then coffee. Then she said "well, I'm going to bed, are you?" I shook my head no. She may have been intoxicated, but I'm afraid to ask for fear of her getting defensive and closing up more. I never stayed out all night, and I always called her to let her know I was headed home. Is she really this unable to see the pain I'm in when she does this, or is she trying to give me a taste of bad medicine? I literally feel like my heart is being trampled. I'm head over heels in love with her. I want her to smother me! I want to be her best friend. If she ends up comng back to me emotionally, it will have all been totally worth it. It's just really hard to stay positive when she knows that it hurts to see her go. I have to say though, she is a great communicator and is willing to hear what I have to say. It just ends up with her saying that she needs to find herself and that she feels no emotion towards me.
> Easily the hardest thing I've had to accept in my life. I guess I'm lucky in the fact that she hasn't kicked me out or hasn't been unfaithful (I hope!).


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## Dan G (Nov 27, 2010)

Thanks, MEM. 

Last night, we had a talk and I decided that I am going to part ways with her for a while. I am doing this as a 2 part deal. First, I want her to feel like I'm not pressuring her and stressing her out about things and let her have room to do what she wants to do without my influence, and second, so that I'm not coming apart at the seams when she is gone doing what she wants. I sat the kids down and let them know I was going to be away for awhile but I would visit them often. I also told them that things would be the same for them in day to day life and that I loved them very much. They took it well. I go out of town for work often so being away for awhile won't be anything unheard of. I feel this is the right thing to do but it really hurts and I'm still not 100% sure. I departed with her last night on good terms. We don't have any fight left in us so it wasn't a heated conversation. I came back today to get a few things and we talked about scheduling visits, money for me to live on, and other pertinent info. Again, it went well, but I fell into the sobbing trap again, letting her know that I will be here for her if she needs me. Do you think that I've done the right thing in leaving? I really appreciate the feedback you guys have provided. It feels good to know that there are people out there who care about the cause.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I think it is a smart move. You are really going to have to get a tighter grip on your emotions though. Men are programmed to rescue. You show me a crying W and I will typically be able to show you a comforting/sympathetic H. The other way around - you show me a crying H, and I will show you a turned off W. 

Crying is fine. Do it when not in her presence. 

When you call / come by to check on the kids - you keep it to a brief "are you ok?" with her. If she wants to talk - let HER talk. If she says she is "fine", ask to speak to the kids. 

If she asks how YOU are, you tell her you are ok. Even if you are a MESS you tell her you are ok. Historically you have had issues with stability. You now need to show that you are a rock. Women love rocks - love stable men. Even if she knows you are not ok she will respect you more for manning up. Remember nature is harsh. A strong mate is far, far more important than a "sensitive" mate. BTW - you should be sensitive to how SHE feels. And caring and supportive. But do not ask her to support you. 

Even if she does it will move you in the direction of a mommy/child relationship. Bad stuff. 

And I hope for your sake you can stay away from drinking. It will destroy any hope you have of repair. Hit the gym hard as often as possible. 

In the meantime play a game with yourself. Practice being the upbeat, playful, helpful and kind person a W would want her husband to be in your interactions with your friends, co-workers, kids. 

Good luck



Dan G said:


> Thanks, MEM.
> 
> Last night, we had a talk and I decided that I am going to part ways with her for a while. I am doing this as a 2 part deal. First, I want her to feel like I'm not pressuring her and stressing her out about things and let her have room to do what she wants to do without my influence, and second, so that I'm not coming apart at the seams when she is gone doing what she wants. I sat the kids down and let them know I was going to be away for awhile but I would visit them often. I also told them that things would be the same for them in day to day life and that I loved them very much. They took it well. I go out of town for work often so being away for awhile won't be anything unheard of. I feel this is the right thing to do but it really hurts and I'm still not 100% sure. I departed with her last night on good terms. We don't have any fight left in us so it wasn't a heated conversation. I came back today to get a few things and we talked about scheduling visits, money for me to live on, and other pertinent info. Again, it went well, but I fell into the sobbing trap again, letting her know that I will be here for her if she needs me. Do you think that I've done the right thing in leaving? I really appreciate the feedback you guys have provided. It feels good to know that there are people out there who care about the cause.


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## Dan G (Nov 27, 2010)

MEM, you are so right. Yesterday I felt horrible, but it spoke with her on the phone and kept it about "wanting to talk to the kids". I was keeping things light and upbeat, but to the point- no me feelings. I could tell in her voice it was a good thing. I am starting to feel a bit more confident that I made the right choice. It's not the end of the world, just a different one than I'm used to. I will adapt, and time will tell what will happen between her and I. Eventually, things will progress in one direction, and I will just be glad if she and I can be happy.


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