# What is an EA? Is this an EA?



## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Partner a long way away for a few months where she knew no one. Initially somewhat lonely and a little difficulty adjusting to being away from home. A bit shy and overwhelmed at first. Met a guy who wanted her. Hung out together. Often drank together in a group of young, single people having fun (she was young too). According to her, he made a physical pass at her but she refused. She thought he was 'cool'. He asked her to spend the rest of the summer with him instead of going home and she thought about it but said 'no' as she was in a relationship with me. Spoke to her as she was about to come home to me and she was sad to leave this place to come home. Sad to leave her new friends.

Later casually admitted that she also really wanted this guy and that he was at least some part of the reason that she was sad to leave.

What exactly is an EA? Is this an EA? Do the facts above point to a possible EA or is the above enough to say it's certainly an EA? Is there something else that must be present for an EA? She admitted being attracted to him and that they were friends. Nobody but her knows what was really happening in her head (love?, infatuation? just physical attraction? nothing really?). If she is telling the truth and if she wasn't really alone with him, did she do anything wrong? He was in a group of friends so not practical to completely avoid him. If it was an EA, what does this mean? Is it just something 'that happened' that is harmless in the bigger picture? While nobody wants this to happen with their partner, is it 'just life'? If it's true that there was no PA, is it a sign of a strong relationship that she resisted a 'normal' physical attraction that young people often have?

Obviously this also points to a potential PA but that's another issue.

Thank you.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

There is no single definition of "emotional affair." Some will call what you describe as an emotional affair, some will not. Some would say that it's when you fulfill marital needs with someone outside the marriage. 

No matter, it was not a good situation.

Your wife could not control how she felt about the other man - thought he was attractive, cool, etc. She could control whether she acted on those feelings. And she could control whether she dwelled on those feelings in her head, spent time fantasizing about them, and allowing the other man to have access to her.

On that front, according to your post, she both passed and failed. 

She did not engage him in what I would consider an emotional affair - exchanging sexual and romantic desires. He tried, but she did not reciprocate (as far as you know).

However, she didn't break off the relationship, stop hanging out with him, or put him in his place when he made a pass at her. Exactly what they talked about with each other, you don't say.

*You should talk to your wife about appropriate boundaries for a married woman*. For example, once a man makes a pass at you, you put him in his place and don't continue to hang out with him. Not doing so tends to encourage him and puts her in a position that, in a moment of weakness, an affair could happen. 

A spat with you, a few drinks, sweet talk from the other man, and she might do something she normally wouldn't do, but wouldn't have happened if she had stayed away from him after he made the pass at her the first time.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*He was in a group of friends so not practical to completely avoid him.*

She could have found other friends. She could have read books. She could have exercised. She could have played tennis. She could have filled her spare time with any number of activities where drinking and single people were not involved. 

A married woman should not be hanging out drinking with a man who made a pass at her. In general, a married woman should not be hanging out drinking with single people. 

Marriage is hard enough without adding the combination of distance and alcohol and tempation.

One other question that occurs to me - did she tell you about the pass the other man made at her when it happened or did she wait to tell you about it until she got home? If she didn't tell you when it happened, why not?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Just realized you said your partner, not your wife or fiance. Does this mean your girlfriend? Have you made promises to each other to be exclusive? Made any kind of vows to each other?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Is this your wife, or a GF, or a fiance----if not married/engaged---how tight is your relationship with your GF

If she gave her heart to him, if she talked about things to him, that only you should hear/discuss---if she thinks about him, and considers him more than she would a good friend---she is in an EA.----

---How do you know for sure she never took it to PA----if she fell for him, she certainly might want to go PA, specially if he was pressuring her---you don't know---you may never know---you weren't there, and who knows whether she is lying-----

what you do know is---if she was in a relationship with you, no matter what kind---she went outside its boundaries---if she is married/engaged to you---she was way out of line, and you need to set in some boundaries, with actionable consequences, and she needs to be accountable, that is if you wanna R.---for she has cheated!!!!!!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

couple said:


> Partner a long way away for a few months where she knew no one. Initially somewhat lonely and a little difficulty adjusting to being away from home. A bit shy and overwhelmed at first. Met a guy who wanted her. Hung out together. Often drank together in a group of young, single people having fun (she was young too). According to her, he made a physical pass at her but she refused. She thought he was 'cool'. He asked her to spend the rest of the summer with him instead of going home and she thought about it but said 'no' as she was in a relationship with me. Spoke to her as she was about to come home to me and she was sad to leave this place to come home. Sad to leave her new friends.
> 
> Later casually admitted that she also really wanted this guy and that he was at least some part of the reason that she was sad to leave.
> 
> ...


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If this guy felt comfortable asking her to spend the Summer with him and she said that she considered it, then you can conclude that they probably had engaged in some physical intimacy with each other.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

couple said:


> According to her, he made a physical pass at her but she refused. She thought he was 'cool'. He asked her to spend the rest of the summer with him instead of going home and she thought about it but said 'no' as she was in a relationship with me.


 In making at least one physical pass and in asking her to spend the summer with him, he was asking her to take their EA to a physical affair; an EA can be assumed as a prerequisite to asking this question. Him asking her to spend the rest of the summer with him, and her having to think about it, could only have taken place if relationship boundaries had been crossed and they had grown emotionally intimate. 

Worse yet, an EA is a best case scenario. Since an EA is what she effectively admitted to, and since cheaters almost always lie, a physical affair cannot be ruled out.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It IS an EA because she opened her heart up to him and that could only have happened if the two of them were communicating. If she had been vigilant of her marital boundaries, she would have stopped him dead on his tracks and told him off for trying to destroy her relationship with you. But she didn't and allowed his ego stroking to continued until she began to have feelings for him and a sexual desire which she confessed to you.

You and your woman need to vigilant of your marital (even if the two of you may not b married) boundaries if you hope to prevent this from happening again. In some ways, the two of you dodged a bullet, if she's telling you the whole truth of course..


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

TRy said:


> Worse yet, an EA is a best case scenario. Since an EA is what she effectively admitted to, and since cheaters almost always lie, a physical affair cannot be ruled out.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Your 21 year old GF is too young to be in a committed relationship.

She does not know what she wants. Yes, what she has done can be termed an EA. She has developed emotional ties to OM and she truly wants to take it physical if she has not already done so. She feels sad about leaving him and returning to you. She is now hesitant about you moving to the new state with her.

Walk away and let her go. She is headed out the door any way. She feels a little guilty for what she is doing but is not going to stop.

Better to break now than when you invest more time and money with her.

Get out.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

We've seen this scenario a few times here, haven't we folks? Then the BS does a little investigating and then......well, it usually isn't pretty.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Thank you for your replies so far. To clarify a couple of things:

1. This was prior to marriage. We were in a committed, exclusive relationship but young. I should have given this info because it's not like a mature, married person going off to hang out and drink with single people. This was a good experience for her so no, I would not ask her or expect her to sit in her room and read while everyone else goes out and has fun.

2. This was quite a while ago. It's long over. No contact since they departed ways.

3. She told me about his attempt to kiss her very soon after it happened and that he asked her to stay there with him prior to coming home. However, she didn't tell me that she liked him until long after. I think she said that he was cute or something like that but led me to believe that she was not interested at all in him. This came out much later. At first, she talked about it like she was not interested at all, except a bit flattered but gave it no serious thought. Some time later, I also asked her if she was or would have been jealous if he was flirting or hooking up with someone else. The answer was 'yes'. Seems like that could be the answer on whether it was an EA. However, it's clear that you could feel jealous if you were just flattered by his attraction. Obviously girls also get jealous in their completely non-sexual friendships with just girls so this in itself isn't necessarily a killer.

Yes, there is a trickle truth here which is naturally part of my concern.

There is no way that I can think of to uncover a PA if there was one. Any evidence would be long gone. She's the only one with the key to this.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

polygraph.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

twas before you got married---you didn't know---now you know---so what does she say, when asked/pushed for an answer----are there still feelings for this guy or not

You wouldn't expect her to sit alone,---- but ---and you need to answer---exactly---what was your specific relationship with her, when she was with this guy----how this will be dealt with, depends, on what each of you thought the relationship was


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

My thought on EA vs. an attraction to someone of the opposite sex is that you find yourself doing or saying things to the person you absolutely would not if your significant other were standing there next to you. From what she has said, there was an attraction but she did not act on it, so I would not consider this an EA unless she engaged in conversation such as 'I so wish I could stay here with you....blah blah blah'


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

jnj express said:


> twas before you got married---you didn't know---now you know---so what does she say, when asked/pushed for an answer----are there still feelings for this guy or not
> 
> You wouldn't expect her to sit alone,---- but ---and you need to answer---exactly---what was your specific relationship with her, when she was with this guy----how this will be dealt with, depends, on what each of you thought the relationship was


We were in a serious, exclusive relationship together. This was clear and we both understood this - no question or uncertainty about this. She was clear that she would not cheat and I was clear that I did not want her to cheat (we discussed my concern about this).


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