# How to repair if you don't spend enough time together



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

I need urgent feedback on how to do my bit to repair our relationship (wised up somewhat late that it's maybe even more me than him responsible) BUT the big problem as I see it isn't us, it's not living together fulltime & spend about half the time in different continents so how can we achieve consistent progress? 
Don't want to waffle on as usual, that's it. 
Help please!


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## Ser Pounce-A-Lot (Apr 7, 2011)

madimoff said:


> I need urgent feedback on how to do my bit to repair our relationship (wised up somewhat late that it's maybe even more me than him responsible) BUT the big problem as I see it isn't us, it's not living together fulltime & spend about half the time in different continents so how can we achieve consistent progress?
> Don't want to waffle on as usual, that's it.
> Help please!


Hi,

This is a tough one as spending that much time apart can make it difficult. But not impossible. My suggestion would be to make the time you do spend together impactful and the time you don't spend together working on yourself and analysing what you did that contributed to the deterioration of your relationship.

Give some serious thought as to what your husband's interests are and how you can involve yourself in them.

Lastly, patience is needed. You can't fix your marriage with one Herculean event. It's important you internalize that fixing a marriage can take months.

Let me know if you need clarification.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Thanks so much for responding. I've not had a lot of luck with threads recently - maybe it's my verbal diarrhoea!!!!
Your first point is right about making our time together impactful (I take it you mean good), and doubly right because there's been so much friction that he almost dreads coming to 'our' home and has viewed 'his' house overseas as a haven where I'm literally not allowed.... point being he wants US to be good. Now I know it's stupidly little, but the last time he was here we had one totally friction-free day (and I do mean friction-free and yes it is THAT rare).... so I suppose I already know I'm expecting too much too soon. The fact I've spent months and months figuring out - with help from TAM of course! - that it's been a lot me has made me rather blinkered. All I seem to have done with my spare time is think, cry, worry, read, surf, etc., and he is HUGELY stressed by 'emotional' conversations of almost any type almost all the time so even wanting to talk about love busters, etc., can be a bit of a no-no unless he happens to be in the right frame of mind. I can't take part any more than I do in his interests, because they're few. Stocks, shares, money, reading. The occasional walk. The occasional meal out. Music (but mostly too loud for my liking). 
The bit I struggle most with - I'm a bit of a stuck record - is wanting reassurance that he actually DOES want us to be a fulltime couple, even if he can't see that happening within six months, or whatever. I figure yes I understand that I've got to sort me, I've got to make our life as good as* I* can. Part of me, though, figures that time is passing and if he has decided he's never going to want us to be together fulltime then he ought to tell me - he knows how important it is to me. I'm sh*t scared of splitting, he knows that. He's made it seem his principle reason for not splitting is our son. Whatever my contribution to our problems, I can't foresee putting up with much longer uncertain of his hopes for our future. (which, btw, he says are that he dreams of us being all together as a family but knows it's a dream.......)
clarification? yes please - whatever you can offer


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## Ser Pounce-A-Lot (Apr 7, 2011)

madimoff said:


> Thanks so much for responding. I've not had a lot of luck with threads recently - maybe it's my verbal diarrhoea!!!!
> Your first point is right about making our time together impactful (I take it you mean good), and doubly right because there's been so much friction that he almost dreads coming to 'our' home and has viewed 'his' house overseas as a haven where I'm literally not allowed.... point being he wants US to be good. Now I know it's stupidly little, but the last time he was here we had one totally friction-free day (and I do mean friction-free and yes it is THAT rare).... so I suppose I already know I'm expecting too much too soon. The fact I've spent months and months figuring out - with help from TAM of course! - that it's been a lot me has made me rather blinkered. All I seem to have done with my spare time is think, cry, worry, read, surf, etc., and he is HUGELY stressed by 'emotional' conversations of almost any type almost all the time so even wanting to talk about love busters, etc., can be a bit of a no-no unless he happens to be in the right frame of mind. I can't take part any more than I do in his interests, because they're few. Stocks, shares, money, reading. The occasional walk. The occasional meal out. Music (but mostly too loud for my liking).
> The bit I struggle most with - I'm a bit of a stuck record - is wanting reassurance that he actually DOES want us to be a fulltime couple, even if he can't see that happening within six months, or whatever. I figure yes I understand that I've got to sort me, I've got to make our life as good as* I* can. Part of me, though, figures that time is passing and if he has decided he's never going to want us to be together fulltime then he ought to tell me - he knows how important it is to me. I'm sh*t scared of splitting, he knows that. He's made it seem his principle reason for not splitting is our son. Whatever my contribution to our problems, I can't foresee putting up with much longer uncertain of his hopes for our future. (which, btw, he says are that he dreams of us being all together as a family but knows it's a dream.......)
> clarification? yes please - whatever you can offer


Hi,

Glad I was able to help. I've got a few thoughts for you. Hope they help:

1) You've actually listed alot of interests there and every one is an opportunity to connect with him. The point isn't that you don't like them (or are not interested in them), the point is that HE likes them. And if you go out of your way to show an interest in them, I bet you that he will be impressed and communication will be a little easier - but also be realistic, it is going to take a while of consistently showing an interest before he realizes you aren't being manipulative. If you want a practical example of how to start doing this, try: Buying a subscription for him to a magazine about shares/stocks. Let him receive the subscription and just leave it at that. Don't ask if he liked it - he would probably tell you 'no' just to spite you but I bet you he would secretly appreciate it. He will start questioning himself: "Why did she do this? What does she want? There must be a secret agenda." But after a while (usually a few months) of doing similar things consistently the only conclusion in his head will be: "It must be because she loves me. She care about *me*. She understands me." And there is nothing we need more in life than to be understood. Let love do the talking, not words. You can probably think of a better example than my magazine one as you know him better but the point is to start investing in what he is interested in, not because you have an interest but because he does.

2) All that time you spend worrying, crying, etc that's when you can make an enormous impact on your marriage. I'm not saying that from a place of judgment, rather that I have been in the same situation as you. All I could do was cry & worry & feel depressed about my situation. But I learned that you can actually make a big difference by devoting yourself to learning about yourself & relationships & how to heal a broken marriage....which leads me to:

3) This is a time when you need guidance. Obviously, given the situation you are in, what you have been doing hasn't worked. I highly recommend signing up for the free e-mail series from Mort Fertel -> Marriage Communication . This is what saved me and my marriage, and I did it all by myself (my wife wasn't interested no matter how many times I bugged her). 

Let me know if you have further questions 

Take care.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Ser Pounce-A-Lot said:


> Hi,
> 
> Glad I was able to help. I've got a few thoughts for you. Hope they help:
> 
> ...


I get the magazine idea, but tbhonest I can't think of anything right now (will continue thinking!)
I get the learning about yourself idea, think wising up is an indication that I've learned - though no doubt more to learn.
I looked at marriage fitness and have a question (related to my thread title)
He suggests at least 14 weeks to notice some kind of difference in your relationship .... how can I expect to notice anything on a halftime basis? 28 weeks? Or more:scratchhead: 
I accept also that the ideal is to make our time together 'good' but for me communication is critical - I spend so much of my time single-parenting and living in a country where my language is limited..... yet because of our problems when he arrives I find myself struggling to talk (might touch the wrong button aka subject) and resentful of the fact he doesn't talk (he's likewise a bit cautious in case of bad reactions depending on subject matter).... ho hum!


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## Ser Pounce-A-Lot (Apr 7, 2011)

madimoff said:


> I get the magazine idea, but tbhonest I can't think of anything right now (will continue thinking!)
> I get the learning about yourself idea, think wising up is an indication that I've learned - though no doubt more to learn.
> I looked at marriage fitness and have a question (related to my thread title)
> He suggests at least 14 weeks to notice some kind of difference in your relationship .... how can I expect to notice anything on a halftime basis? 28 weeks? Or more:scratchhead:
> I accept also that the ideal is to make our time together 'good' but for me communication is critical - I spend so much of my time single-parenting and living in a country where my language is limited..... yet because of our problems when he arrives I find myself struggling to talk (might touch the wrong button aka subject) and resentful of the fact he doesn't talk (he's likewise a bit cautious in case of bad reactions depending on subject matter).... ho hum!


Hi again 

14 weeks is really a guideline. You can never be 100% about anything in life but that is generally a good estimation. For me, it was probably about 12 weeks I think. It could be 28 weeks or more but by doing the program I gained so much confidence in myself and that what I was doing was the right things to be doing that the timeframe became unimportant to me. I was willing to wait a year for my wife if need be because I was getting so much joy out of loving her and responding to her needs and interests. The confidence and positive habits that I learned made me realize that she would eventually give in to the love that I was giving to her and come back to me. Think of all the words you can for 'love'. When I think of love I think: 'selfless','forgiving','kind','caring','listening','understanding','involved in their life & interests' etc. When you do that consistently every day your spouse can't help but be won over. It may take them 14 weeks, perhaps longer, but eventually they just can't resist the love being offered anymore. The MF program really taught me that and changed my life/marriage.

On the topic of struggling to talk to him: Try asking questions about his hobbies. Ask him to explain how stocks/shares work, for example. I think perhaps he feels pressured to talk, so start talking about things that interest him (and take a genuine interest, even if you have to fake it) and then he may feel more open to talking about your interests. You will get alot more information about communication problems in the MF program.

Hope that helps you.


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