# Remarried but still hurting.



## Starshine1985 (11 mo ago)

Im a W 36
H 41
TOGETHER 5 yrs
Married 1.5 years (8-7-20)
1 kid with him (6 months)
2 others from previous marriage 11, 8
D DAY from previous marriage (9-4-14)

I'm married to an amazing man, but still have triggers and ruminate from the infidelity of my ex husband. I find it leaking into my new marriage even though he's done nothing to warrant my suspicion. I'm hypervigilant and can't relax when we're out somewhere. I look at his face to see if he's checking out other women, get paranoid when he looks at his phone or computer with a grin on his face (which are funny threads he reads) and I constantly think it's just a matter of time before he drops the unfaithful bomb. I never want to be caught blindsided again. He swears he would never put me through cheating. How do I keep my past hurt from destroying my husband and marriage?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Starshine1985 said:


> I'm hypervigilant and can't relax when we're out somewhere.


These are signs of trauma. 

Left untreated, it can poison your current relationship. 

But it can be treated. 

my suggestion is to seek individual therapy to help treat your trauma to help you heal to where your past doesn't taint your future.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Sorry you find yourself here with this anxiety, Starshine.

did you ever go to therapy after your ex-husband cheated on you? It’s certainly understandable that You would have trust issues going forward.

curious, what are your conversations like with your husband now? Have you expressed all of your concerns with him? What does he say?

regardless, I can’t imagine living with that constant anxiety. You’ll never be at peace unless you address the problem. You will probably also eventually push your husband away if this continues long term.


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## Starshine1985 (11 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Sorry you find yourself here with this anxiety, Starshine.
> 
> did you ever go to therapy after your ex-husband cheated on you? It’s certainly understandable that You would have trust issues going forward.
> 
> ...


I received some counseling afterwards, but never fully connected with a therapist, so I just gave up. I've been reading books and applying other helpful methods, but it just destroyed me. Before tainted by infidelity I was so naive and trusting, but am forever changed now. My husband is understanding as best as he can be, but until you've experienced infidelity as the BS, no one can ever comprehend the pain.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Starshine1985 said:


> I received some counseling afterwards, but never fully connected with a therapist, so I just gave up. I've been reading books and applying other helpful methods, but it just destroyed me. Before tainted by infidelity I was so naive and trusting, but am forever changed now. My husband is understanding as best as he can be, but until you've experienced infidelity as the BS, no one can ever comprehend the pain.


No doubt. I do not know the pain of infidelity.

we all came to TAM due to some problem and I can relate to those that suffered from the same problem as I did. I’m sure soon enough other betrayed spouses will Chime in with what works for them.

from a general relationship standpoint, do you all have full access to each other’s devices? My wife and I can access each other’s phones if we wish. We don’t have anything to hide from one another. My wife could easily open my TAM account if she wanted to and read what I say here about our lives.

Im glad your husband is very understanding. I assume that was addressed pretty early on in your relationship since you’ve been together for 5 years.

I’m curious, has your anxiety lessened at all over that period of time or has it stayed the same? Do you think enough time can pass to where you would trust your husband?

serious question. I honestly don’t know.


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## Starshine1985 (11 mo ago)

No, I don't feel the need to snoop. Part of me feels that if I did find something (which I'm sure I wouldn't) I couldn't handle it. I've been diagnosed with PTSD and it would send me over the edge. I also feel that if there is anything hiding it will come out eventually. I do trust my husband, but the antennas are ALWAYS up.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Starshine1985 said:


> No, I don't feel the need to snoop. Part of me feels that if I did find something (which I'm sure I wouldn't) I couldn't handle it. I've been diagnosed with PTSD and it would send me over the edge. I also feel that if there is anything hiding it will come out eventually. I do trust my husband, but the antennas are ALWAYS up.


One thing you can do to get better is play the role of a well person.
If you get paranoid about your husband cheating, although you are rationally confident that he is not, outwardly and towards him you act as normally as you possibly can in being a responsive wife. 
Internally, you might be screaming accusations and fears and whatever, but you don't show it. 
As time goes on, you'll help reset yourself internally to that of somebody who hasn't experienced unfaithfulness.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Starshine1985 said:


> Im a W 36
> H 41
> TOGETHER 5 yrs
> Married 1.5 years (8-7-20)
> ...


First of all if you aren't already, it makes sense for you to get some counseling.

You are going to have to come to grips with the fact that love is an act of faith. You are at risk, you can't get around that. But then you always were, and that is the case with whoever you are with. It's OK to be smart about that, but you are going to have to find the courage to love him without constant fear. Remember courage isn't the absence of fear, it's being afraid and still pushing forward.

One thing you can tell yourself is could it be worse? You were already cheated on an here you are remarried to a good man. So you know it's not like your life would end, plus you already know what to expect. I get that no one would want it, but this is not life of death. It's potential pain, pain that you have experience with and have already overcame.

Also be mindful that everything in this life ends, this relationship will too one day hopefully not through cheating. But one of you will probably go before the other. That is how it works, don't waste it by worrying about that. Enjoy the time you have.

Though not my original intention, one thing that helped me was reading posts about infidelity. Now that doesn't mean it would do so for you, I was a long time out over a decade. You need to be sure you are strong enough emotionally. The thing is, there really is a pattern to cheating. What it did for me was give me a better sense of what to look for and how to react. I found that I was able to pinpoint things that I didn't see in my cheater at the time that would have probably caused me to leave before it happened, or at least push very hard. I think it kind of worked as exposure therapy. I am much more prepared if it ever happened to me again, so I no longer fear. Again you have to be emotionally strong enough, it can also have the effect of making you jaded if you are not prepared for that.

I would also suggest you become a much of a well rounded person as you can. That doesn't mean love your husband any less, but you need to have a group of things that bring you joy. Family, Friends, Hobbies, Goals, all of these things together. Therefore if one of those things isn't working out at any given time you can draw on the others. In the long run it's not fair to your spouse or anyone for that matter to be your everything, that is too much responsibly for one human. 

I would also say strive to be the best you can be to a reasonable realistic amount, meaning don't ever let yourself go or take life for granted. This can give you confidence and you can get to the point where you feel like if someone doesn't want you someone else will.

Still at the end of the day nothing good comes without risk. That is what this is. Love requires courage and faith if you don't have those things you are not doing it right.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

It sounds like Starshine1985 didn't really heal from her first marriage. As others have suggested I really think you need to do some individual counseling. Then as you get yourself together, may do some marriage counseling with you new husband. In that marriage counseling explore some of your dreams, what you expect your marriage to look like in 5 years, 10, 15 and 20 years. Also work with the marriage counselor on the topic of boundaries. Since infidelity is important to you, make sure you explain how important his not cheating is too you. Make sure that the two of you agree on a definition of "cheating." While these are all things you should have done prior to marriage, they still should be done.

You would be surprised how different people can define the concept of "cheating." Some may feel that porn is cheating. Other may feel that going to a strip club is not cheating, Others may feel that it is. To some cheating may or may not involve sex. I personally feel that an EA is cheating even if it doesn't involve sex, but that is me. You and your H need to have a common set of definitions if you are to agree on boundaries.

Good luck.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

My first husband of 25 years did some truly terrible things which came to light out of the blue one day and by the afternoon we had separated and the marriage was effectively over. 

To say it was traumatic experience is a massive understatement. 

Six years later I met my now husband of 16 years and like you I still had lots of fears of being decieved and lied to and deeply hurt again. 

For me it was time, time and more time. Gradually over the years my trust grew and my fears eased. Now I don't worry at all and trust him totally. 
Apart from time my faith has helped a lot because trusting God helps to give inner peace generally.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Starshine1985 said:


> No, I don't feel the need to snoop. Part of me feels that if I did find something (which I'm sure I wouldn't) I couldn't handle it. I've been diagnosed with PTSD and it would send me over the edge. I also feel that if there is anything hiding it will come out eventually. I do trust my husband, but the antennas are ALWAYS up.


If you have PTSD, try to find a therapist that does EMDR -- it was designed to help that type of issue.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Starshine1985 said:


> but never fully connected with a therapist, so I just gave up.


I'm sorry for what you went through OP. Many are abused, cheated on etc. and it's hell. 

However, you KNEW you were troubled and hadn't worked through things and resolved your issues due to what your ex did to you and still chose to enter into another long term romantic relationship and that was wrong. 

It was wrong to you and it was wrong to your current partner.

People in your situation and many are in your boat, I was for a long time too, need to seek help to work on and resolve their issues before getting into another relationship, it's not fair to them or to their partner if they don't.

You need to be 100% into counseling, therapy etc. You need to do this for yourself and for your partner.

You can't go back and un-ring this bell as you're married to your partner now so your only choice is to jump feet first into counseling and really begin working on yourself.

I was cheated on by my first husband and it was bad. We had/have three children and they were young then, just 4, 6 and 9 years old. I was a mess, had body image issues, I was insecure and on and on.

I took off to counseling and it was OK, not great. What did I do? Why I remarried less than two years later.

How did that work out for me? I'll just say I'm on my 3rd marriage now, we got married in 2019.

I finally worked through things and got it right with my 3rd husband.

My 2nd marriage, failed in part due to me NOT being ready to be married again after what I went through from my first husband.

My 2nd husband did not deserve that, he deserved to have a partner who was ready to be in a marriage and I wasn't.


I do feel for you, I've been in your shoes. Your priority needs to be working on yourself OP.

I wish well you on your journey. If you don't connect with your counselor, find another one. I mean if we go out to eat at a restaurant and we don't like it, we don't keep going there several times a week for years on end. We go to another restaurant. We don't quit eating because we had a bad meal somewhere. We eat elsewhere.

So you didn't connect with your counselor, find another one, don't just stop counseling.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I’m agreeing with @A18S37K14H18, keep looking for a counselor that works for you. Therapy works wonders, it really does. It’s worth the extra effort to find someone to help.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Starshine1985 said:


> No, I don't feel the need to snoop. Part of me feels that if I did find something (which I'm sure I wouldn't) I couldn't handle it. I've been diagnosed with PTSD and it would send me over the edge. I also feel that if there is anything hiding it will come out eventually. I do trust my husband, but the antennas are ALWAYS up.


Is the issue that you wish your husband DID understand your pain? Does he not want you to share it with him? Are there things you haven’t told your husband that cause you guilt?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Starshine1985 said:


> No, I don't feel the need to snoop. Part of me feels that if I did find something (which I'm sure I wouldn't) I couldn't handle it. I've been diagnosed with PTSD and it would send me over the edge. I also feel that if there is anything hiding it will come out eventually. I do trust my husband, but the antennas are ALWAYS up.


No, you don't trust him, or you wouldn't be here. 

The first step to overcoming this problem is to stop lying to yourself.

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Starshine1985 said:


> No, I don't feel the need to snoop. Part of me feels that if I did find something (which I'm sure I wouldn't) I couldn't handle it. I've been diagnosed with PTSD and it would send me over the edge. I also feel that if there is anything hiding it will come out eventually. I do trust my husband, but the antennas are ALWAYS up.


I think that is what it's important to remember "if there is anything hiding it will come out eventually." Try to just have faith in that. Also, there is an exercise about worst-case scenario thinking to try to ground yourself. So imagine the worst-case scenario happens and then don't just stop there with the triggers and fears and panic, but keep thinking it through to the end how it would play out and what is the worst that could happen to you if it did. Usually the worst isn't as bad as the anticipation. You lived through the last one, and you'd live through another if it happened. You would land on your feet, though a bit shaky. To me, the worst-case scenario would be he did something that made you realize he wasn't who you hoped he would be and therefore, you wouldn't mourn the loss as much realizing he really wasn't a right one, if the worst happened. 

To tell if someone would do that to you, you need to know them quite a long time and you need to know their other morals. For example, is he otherwise a moral person with good boundaries? Like when he goes to work, does he do his best to do a good job, get there on time, work hard, or does he get by with as little as he can without getting fired? 

With friends, if he tells one he'll come help them with something or meet them at a certain time somewhere, does he go on time like he promised, or does he break promises. With you, does he do what he says he will do and be a responsible person? 

If he had a past marriage with kids, does he be the best dad he can be or only do what he must? Same with you if you have kids. 

Have you caught him in lies about where he was or anything like that to make you suspicious? If he is in the habit of lying, he is not morally sound, it goes without saying. 

So try to get to know his values and morals. You can tell by how he conducts his life if he is solid as a rock and reliable or not.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Starshine1985 said:


> Im a W 36
> H 41
> TOGETHER 5 yrs
> Married 1.5 years (8-7-20)
> ...


Yes it's unfair to make him feel the pain for someone else's actions.

However, it is also understandable to remember and be paranoid about things after what happened to you in the past (happened to me as well). I am not 100% trusting. Maybe about 95% though I think some of that comes from being on these forums or witnessing the tragedies here or of my friends/family. 

In the long run, you should always be prepared for another infidelity but also go to IC again in order to ensure your new husband and your relationship isn't blown up from your insecurities. After all, he fell for you and deserves a strong degree of trust.

If one IC doesn't work, another will at some point

Keep posting


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## Starshine1985 (11 mo ago)

Casual Observer said:


> Is the issue that you wish your husband DID understand your pain? Does he not want you to share it with him? Are there things you haven’t told your husband that cause you guilt?


No guilt on my part at all. I've been 100% faithful and honest.


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## Starshine1985 (11 mo ago)

He pursued me knowing I hadn't healed, knowing the divorce was still fresh and I broke up with him a couple of times while we were dating out of fear and need to heal. He's been so strong and has never wavered with his love for me.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

BTW, @Starshine1985, if that is your actual picture on your avatar, you'll probably want to change that so you can stay anonymous here.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Starshine1985 said:


> He pursued me knowing I hadn't healed, knowing the divorce was still fresh and I broke up with him a couple of times while we were dating out of fear and need to heal. He's been so strong and has never wavered with his love for me.


then you have a good guy. Won building and protecting that. Too many guys would not go out with someone who is struggling from previous relationships. You are obviously special to him. Always keep that in mind


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Starshine1985 said:


> No guilt on my part at all. I've been 100% faithful and honest.


btw, I am sure you are great too, just like him. Didn't mean to exclude you. Just different circumstances. Make this relationship work, forget about the last guy except where it comes to the kids. Move on is what I guess I am saying


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## Starshine1985 (11 mo ago)

wmn1 said:


> btw, I am sure you are great too, just like him. Didn't mean to exclude you. Just different circumstances. Make this relationship work, forget about the last guy except where it comes to the kids. Move on is what I guess I am saying


Thank you!


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

jlg07 said:


> If you have PTSD, try to find a therapist that does EMDR -- it was designed to help that type of issue.


EMDR works wonderfully.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Starshine1985 said:


> He pursued me knowing I hadn't healed, knowing the divorce was still fresh and I broke up with him a couple of times while we were dating out of fear and need to heal. He's been so strong and has never wavered with his love for me.


How long had you been divorced when you met?


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Starshine1985 said:


> I received some counseling afterwards, but never fully connected with a therapist, so I just gave up. I've been reading books and applying other helpful methods, but it just destroyed me. Before tainted by infidelity I was so naive and trusting, but am forever changed now. My husband is understanding as best as he can be, but until you've experienced infidelity as the BS, no one can ever comprehend the pain.


I went through the same just like you. Now I have someone who's truly wonderful to me, and just like you, have triggers here and there. Luckily, he knew this from the beginning and has since helped me so much. Best wishes. .


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I was cheated on and know how you feel. It gets better with time. I personally don’t worry about it as much as you, because I know the signs now— distance, not planning things with me, agressice/mean attitude all the time…

If you’re worrying and there’s no signs, go back for some counseling again. You may have not been mentally ready for it, or your last one just wasn’t any good.

paranoia is a thing. I’m very sorry either way. I know just how you feel. The older I get and more I see of people, the less I trust.


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## Starshine1985 (11 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> How long had you been divorced when you met?


3 months


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

wmn1 said:


> Yes it's unfair to make him feel the pain for someone else's actions.
> 
> However, it is also understandable to remember and be paranoid about things after what happened to you in the past (happened to me as well). I am not 100% trusting. Maybe about 95% though I think some of that comes from being on these forums or witnessing the tragedies here or of my friends/family.
> 
> ...


@Starshine1985 I was in your husband's shoes, but I also was betrayed by ex. I can tell you what you are doing is wearing on him. Several time I told my wife that I was not her GD ex hubby and quit treating me like that. I pride myself on my moral beliefs and my wife's actions reinforced to me that she does not think I am a moral person by constantly treating me like a suspect. 

I met her 4 mo after her separation and went to divorce court with her. It took years and I was to the point of walking out over it. With 2 children under 10. Her behavior also damaged the way I saw her. I was smitten and had her on a pedestal and thought she was it! I took it and took it, now I know if she were gone I could replace her easily. It took about 10 yrs for her to quit her abusive behavior toward me for his sins. Punishing a spouse for another's transgressions is abusive. Please stop it!


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You need better more positive self talk. 

When you find yourself doing these things, acknowledge in your on head that you are doing it. Take a breath & then remind yourself of a few things: 


your current H is not your EX & the new guy is not doing the bad behaviors you worry about
you are smarter & more aware now so you know what to look for but you are not seeing those red flags here
you are stronger than you give yourself credit for

Then carry on.


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