# Jealousy and Lies



## NeedAUserName (Mar 5, 2013)

I am married with a young daughter. Our relationship started out with me (a virgin saving myself for non religious reasons) and my future wife who had some experience I didn't know how much. 

Being my first real relationship I probably asked some questions I shouldn't have and didn't want to know the answers to about her past. She did answer, but also lied some too. I figured out quick I would rather not know and asked her to stop telling me things about her sexual past, but she still did. A while into the relationship we did end up having sex.
(I did delay it until I thought she might be the one) 

Even further into the relationship she brought up wanting to have a 3some with another girl. (I declined I thought it might cause problems) Eventually I started catching some of her lies though about her past. Once I learned of a lie I would dig at it until I found out the truth( or what I thought to be the truth) This caused me to learn more and more about her past sex life and how she had slept around a good bit. (men, and women)

Now it is to the point where I feel like I'm causing problems from jealousy about her past. (Her lies still happen, but only about her past which I think I shouldn't really be bringing up anyway, but lies bug me a lot) She still brings up the 3some, but now as a way to fix the jealousy instead of something for fun. I'm very iffy on this. I now have a desire to experience stuff like that, but at the same time I feel like Im abandoning my old values. It also feels a bit like cheating. 

Im not sure what to do. Feel free to blast away at me if I'm the problem I would rather know it than not.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Definitely don't do the 3some. I believe that indeed would cause problems in your relationship.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

IMHO,

Whilst partners having a similar level of sexual experience coming into a relationship is not necessary it is essential that they talk openly and honestly about their "needs" and “wants” from the physical side of the relationship as it develops.

Did you and your wife have such a conversation BEFORE you had a child together?


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## NeedAUserName (Mar 5, 2013)

We had spoke about how I didn't like her past but I didn't want to hold it against her either. I tried letting it go and forgetting. (the 3some was also brought up before the child and before the problems became apparent). The real issue is I didn't want it back then, but after learning more and more about her past I have a greater desire to do the 3some and have sex with other women. (I would never cheat I am just being honest about the desires)


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

NeedAUserName said:


> I now have a desire to experience stuff like that, but at the same time I feel like Im abandoning my old values. It also feels a bit like cheating.
> 
> Im not sure what to do. Feel free to blast away at me if I'm the problem I would rather know it than not.


It's my opinion that your "Old values" are the center of your problem.

You have serious insecurities about your sexuality you probably wouldn't have if you hadn't "saved yourself" (What are you money, a coupon?).

You're intimidated by your wife's history because you have none of your own.

If I had a nickel for ever guy who "saved himself" and ended up posting the problems derived from it I'd be giving Warren Buffet a run for his money.

It's my opinion the only choice you have is to deal with it the best you can because it's not going away in this relationship.

Don't do the threesome, it's a catastrophe waiting to happen.


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## NeedAUserName (Mar 5, 2013)

You may be right. In retrospect I felt like saving myself was a mistake at times. (though I may have saved myself from some nasty stds who knows) I have tried just keeping the issues to myself but I end up breaking down. Also I know I should just leave the lies alone but when I realize more I still can't help but pick at them. I really don't want to take it out on her though. I feel like she may be getting punished for my issues. (though we both admit her lies are an issue too)


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

tacoma said:


> Don't do the threesome, it's a catastrophe waiting to happen.


:iagree:

IHMO relationships work best when a COUPLE are just that a COUPLE, not a threesome or an ever changing string of strangers.


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## NeedAUserName (Mar 5, 2013)

What should I do is the question. I don't want to be lied to. (I've tried drawing a line but even when it is crossed I don't leave).
As for dealing with the jealousy I can keep it in. I'm not sure if that is a good idea though, but that is why I am here for advice. I tried searching online and the suggestions really didn't suit me (breaking up and sleeping around then getting back together)


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Regardless of what you and your wife talk about, you cannot simply "leave the lies alone". If she continues to lie about things, then in time it will get easier for her to keep more things from you and then...who knows.

This is a good example of why I am a strong advocate of discussing sexual histories before marriage. I never wanted to be the guy that married a woman that 1) Had a lot of partners and 2) did things with a partner(s) that she would never do sexually with me. Both are huge deal breakers.

IMO, you were completely justified in digging and questioning her past up to the marriage. But if you were in the middle of questioning, being told lies and you elected to marry her anyways, then I don't see where your jealousy is just anymore. You know she had a colorful past and went for it. Now you have to live with it. Sorry, but what else can you do? 

However, if all of this came to light AFTER you were married, then you have a valid reason to be upset. You may have married under false pretenses.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

NeedAUserName said:


> What should I do is the question. I don't want to be lied to. (I've tried drawing a line but even when it is crossed I don't leave).
> As for dealing with the jealousy I can keep it in. I'm not sure if that is a good idea though, but that is why I am here for advice. I tried searching online and the suggestions really didn't suit me (breaking up and sleeping around then getting back together)




I understand and dislike lying as well but at this point her lying may just be a coping mechanism considering you don't seem to deal with her sexual past very well.

If every time I answered you truthfully just to end up having you angry, moody, or jealous, I'd be lying too.

Trust me when I tell you no woman finds insecurity attractive.
You'll begin having problems in your relationship on other fronts as well.

I don't understand why at this point the two of you are even having discussions about her sexual past.

How does this come up enough to be a stressor in your relationship?

My advice on the best course for you take take this relationship on?

Assess who and what she is now, decide if she's a person you love, trust, and respect.
Consider why you respect her most of all.
Are your reasons objective or emotion filled?
Be as objective as you can.

If you decide she is a person you love, trust, and respect then deal with your issues and hers.

If you decide she isn't that person then find the least destructive way to end the situation.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

How is that a strait laced guy like you Need, ends up with some freak booty like what you have. This may be a good reason why people shouldn't make an effort to live by one extreme or the other.


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## NeedAUserName (Mar 5, 2013)

tacoma said:


> I understand and dislike lying as well but at this point her lying may just be a coping mechanism considering you don't seem to deal with her sexual past very well.
> 
> If every time I answered you truthfully just to end up having you angry, moody, or jealous, I'd be lying too.
> 
> ...


That is the thing about the lies. For a long while I didn't even know she was lying, and I wasn't getting upset because after she would tell me something It would bug me for a bit then go away. Later on when I realized they were lies and I couldn't stop thinking about them or digging at them. (in the process learning a lot of details I would rather not know). The lying has slowed down, but not stopped. (I'm assuming this is from a lack of material to lie about though and not from a change) I feel like once I know the truth on things I may be able to move on, but that seems to be a lot harder said than done. I do worry about her past cheating and homewrecking some also, but I always tell myself those were different relationships. 

I have not trusted her in a long long time, but I do love and respect her. I really want to fix things, but I seem incapable of doing it on my own.


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## NeedAUserName (Mar 5, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Regardless of what you and your wife talk about, you cannot simply "leave the lies alone". If she continues to lie about things, then in time it will get easier for her to keep more things from you and then...who knows.
> 
> This is a good example of why I am a strong advocate of discussing sexual histories before marriage. I never wanted to be the guy that married a woman that 1) Had a lot of partners and 2) did things with a partner(s) that she would never do sexually with me. Both are huge deal breakers.
> 
> ...


I was engaged before most of it came up. I learned a large amount of it after she was pregnant and during the pregnancy. 
After that I figured I cared about her and didn't want her or the child out of my life so I went ahead and married her.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

NeedAUserName said:


> I am married with a young daughter. Our relationship started out with me (a virgin saving myself for non religious reasons) and my future wife who had some experience I didn't know how much.
> 
> Being my first real relationship I probably asked some questions I shouldn't have and didn't want to know the answers to about her past. She did answer, but also lied some too. I figured out quick I would rather not know and asked her to stop telling me things about her sexual past, but she still did. A while into the relationship we did end up having sex.
> (I did delay it until I thought she might be the one)
> ...


I have no idea why you married a woman who lied. Or why you married a woman you were not compatible with.

Having a threesome is only going to drive home you are not compatible IMO.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

the other piece of advice I might offer is to look for a message board that caters to people who would like to withhold sex until marriage.

I think most people here are not against pre-marital sex, and like me, probably understand the risks involved in marrying someone that they "do not know" err, in the biblical sense.

Or maybe you can ask the moderators to create your thread or section.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

NeedAUserName said:


> I have not trusted her in a long long time, but I do love and respect her. I really want to fix things, but I seem incapable of doing it on my own.


This mistrust stems of course from the lying about her sexual history?(Correct me if I'm wrong)

How has she been since you've been together as far as trustworthiness?

Has she shown an ability to lie to you about other things?
Do her actions tell you you are important to her?

I know it's hard but if her past and lying about it is the sole motivator for the problems between you you might be best off learning to forget about it in whatever way you can.

Her current sexual proclivities for group scenarios can be dealt with without actually bringing in a third.

Everyone has fantasies.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

NeedAUserName said:


> Even further into the relationship she brought up wanting to have a 3some with another girl.


Wow. Some of us would love to have that "problem".





> Eventually I started catching some of her lies though about her past. Once I learned of a lie I would dig at it until I found out the truth( or what I thought to be the truth) This caused me to learn more and more about her past sex life and how she had slept around a good bit. (men, and women).



It sounds like she was reluctant to tell you everything about her past because she knew it would upset you. I understand you probably feel you have lost some of your trust for her, but it's possible she was honestly just trying to spare your feelings. If she has been truthful otherwise in your marriage, you might want to cut her some slack on this. The past should stay in the past.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I may be missing something, but you have been a little vague on the lies. I have not met a person on this planet that has not told a lie at one time or another. What is she lying about? As for the temptation of a threesome, that will take you in a direction you have never been before. The temptation to have permission to have sex with other women is a tempting thing for the very few that gets that opportunity. However, you are only looking at a 2 women scenario. What would happen if she wants to change up the sides and have a two men one woman scenario? How would you react? She let you have your fun, now it is her turn (see what I mean). Just remember you can't get the genie back in the bottle.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Theseus said:


> It sounds like she was reluctant to tell you everything about her past because she knew it would upset you. *I understand you probably feel you have lost some of your trust for her, but it's possible she was honestly just trying to spare your feelings. *If she has been truthful otherwise in your marriage, you might want to cut her some slack on this. *The past should stay in the past.*


Which surprisingly sounds a lot like the concept of "trickle truth" when a BS is trying to get information about what the WS did in his/her affair. But in reality, if the person asking the questions wants to know, then the other person should be obliged to tell the truth. As an example, if my wife banged 20 guys before she met me plus engaged in threesomes, I would definitely want to know. It's only right and fair to know what you may be getting yourself into whenever you want to take a relationship to the next level.

I disagree. The past decisions we make are what make us the people we are today. If someone has been the affair partners of married people in the past, then it's more likely that this person will end up cheating tomorrow. Again, you need to become an "informed shopper" before you take the plunge. Caveat Emptor.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Which surprisingly sounds a lot like the concept of "trickle truth" when a BS is trying to get information about what the WS did in his/her affair. But in reality, if the person asking the questions wants to know, then the other person should be obliged to tell the truth. As an example, if my wife banged 20 guys before she met me plus engaged in threesomes, I would definitely want to know. It's only right and fair to know what you may be getting yourself into whenever you want to take a relationship to the next level.
> 
> I disagree. The past decisions we make are what make us the people we are today. If someone has been the affair partners of married people in the past, then it's more likely that this person will end up cheating tomorrow. Again, you need to become an "informed shopper" before you take the plunge. Caveat Emptor.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Do not lie to me and tell me it is for my own good.

Also do not begin a relationship on a foundation of lies. If you have to lie then something is wrong.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Which surprisingly sounds a lot like the concept of "trickle truth" when a BS is trying to get information about what the WS did in his/her affair. But in reality, if the person asking the questions wants to know, then the other person should be obliged to tell the truth. As an example, if my wife banged 20 guys before she met me plus engaged in threesomes, I would definitely want to know. It's only right and fair to know what you may be getting yourself into whenever you want to take a relationship to the next level.
> 
> I disagree. The past decisions we make are what make us the people we are today. If someone has been the affair partners of married people in the past, then it's more likely that this person will end up cheating tomorrow. Again, you need to become an "informed shopper" before you take the plunge. Caveat Emptor.


:iagree: Wow to some people here. 

So this guy's opinion isn't valid, because he doesn't share the same opinion of others here... okay. OP, tbh I admire you wanting to save yourself for marriage... (Although you didn't make it that far  ) 

I'm not too much of a fan of casual sex, I understand the temptation and definitely not talking down anyone who wants to have it, but I wouldn't have it and I wouldn't be in a LTR, most definitely not a marriage, with someone who liked casual sex, either. Too many hormonal and brain chemistry changes happen during and after sex for it to be "just sex". And it doesn't really take a huge leap to think "I like having sex with lots of different people pre-marriage." to "I like having sex with lots of different people during marriage." 

And frankly, wtf people? She didn't tell him because she knew he would react this way? Same thing can be said with 
-" I didn't tell you I bought myself a car with our kids college money because I knew you would get upset."
-" I didn't tell you I lost all our money in online gambling because I knew you would get upset."
- " I didn't tell you what I had done during my affair even though you basically begged me to be truthful because I knew you would get upset." 
-" I didn't tell you they weren't really your kids because I knew you would get upset." 

If you truly love somebody, you let them have their own feelings and thoughts about something. You don't shield them from the truth, especially if that truth concerns them so very deeply. Otherwise it's being controlling and manipulative. 

OP, right now, I think you should think "Would I have married her if I had known this?" and basically the lies and lies by ommision she told you and that on top of it. Then decide if you really want to stay married.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Is your wife possibly Bi-sexual or at least Bi-curious?

Could the whole 3some idea be that she than wants to do another one with 2 men and her?

Be very careful on what you do here!


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

My advice is forget the past. Live in the present - it is the way to be happy. Avoid complications lke threesomes (no personal experience but, based on what others on this site have said, it seems often to lead to problems)

Best wishes


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

NeedAUserName said:


> What should I do is the question. I don't want to be lied to. (I've tried drawing a line but even when it is crossed I don't leave).


You've taught her lying pays. 



> As for dealing with the jealousy I can keep it in. I'm not sure if that is a good idea though, but that is why I am here for advice. I tried searching online and the suggestions really didn't suit me (breaking up and sleeping around then getting back together)


Look into the 180. That' how you deal with someone crossing lines.


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