# Scared to have sex, husband NOT supportive



## hurtnewwife (Feb 19, 2011)

For the last year I have been under the impression that I could have cervical cancer. I had 3 abnormal pap smears and have been told I have a serious type of HPV that can cause cervical cancer. I have no want to have sex currently because sex is what gave me the HPV to begin with and I'm AFRAID - stupid or not I'm scared and my husband isn't giving me any reason to cling to him as my support

I am 25 and was diagnosed with HPV at 24, while my husband and I were engaged. We were abstaining from sex before marriage for his sense of marital peace with God, and I guess to an extent I wanted the same. On the wedding night sex was seriously and absolutely painful. Honeymoon was the same thing and both instances he got angry with me - but I WAS trying. Now, 9 months into our marriage and a 2000 mile move across the country and job changes, we, as he puts it, never have sex. I have tried but it hurts. 

It turns out because of my fear of cervical cancer my vagina and cervix muscles are extremely sore because I am so very tense all the time. I have eczema in my vagina which is another reason sex is painful. My husband knows all of this and was told by my gynecologist face to face. In the last month I had to have 4 biopsy's and it was found that I had moderate dysplasia (precancerous cells) and had to undergo a LEEP (surgery). I am currently healing from the surgery. 

I want my husband to be ok with not having sex for a little while. We have been married 9 months as I said before and sex has been hard for me since it is physically and psychologically painful. I have tried to talk to him and open up about my fear and worry, but most of the time it starts a fight or he gets angry with me. This pushes me away and makes me not even want to try to be sexually active with him. I feel it has diminished our intimacy because I don't trust him as I feel he does not care for my well being. I don't know what to do anymore, I don't feel like I want to have sex with him once I heal because of the way he has treated me and made me feel about the sex issue since our wedding night and honeymoon.

I feel like this feeling is getting deeply rooted and I resent him for not upholding his vows - 'to love in sickness and in health' and he turns it around on me and says I don't have sex so it's my fault. He wonders why should he support me if I don't give him sexual attention - so we are stuck at a crossroads. I feel like I just WANT OUT! and unfortunately I have told him that. i feel unloved, unsupported, and depressed. He feels the same way I guess. But doesn't my fear and the reality of what has happened warrant him to give me time love and support??? I feel like if he had handled my condition better and had been more understanding we wouldn't have gotten to this wanting out point. I don't know what to do and I guess I just needed to vent. Part of me wants to go to marriage counseling - part of me wants to leave and start over. HELP!!!

Also, when I try to be sexual, he forgets that I tried. That makes me so mad because I feel so fragile and when he acts like I don't even try it hurts and then again makes me not want to give him anything he needs.

...help...


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

To be honest with you I think you both made mistakes, he by no being supportive of your situation and you for not understanding that you just cant stop having sex with your husband....if you are avoiding vaginal penetration, you can always try to get him off with a handjob, bj or anal...if you dear to try, but i see your point about he not being sensitive of your condition - have we both go to see your doctor and he hear it from the doctor about your condition?...or is something you are assuming you may have....don't rush into thinking that divorcing him is your best option since you just are going to carry your problems into the next relationship....you are right to feel like when a health issue is present, everything else becomes secondary, but if you show that are consious of the importance of giving him a release, he may see that you understand that by doing this, you help him to stop thinking about sex, otherwise, is in his heat 24/7.....take him to see your doctor....he may think is all in your head; otherwise, i dont understand why he is so insensitive to the fact that you are in pain and scare....good luck!


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

This is a tricky situation, but the bottom line is that if you want to keep your husband, your gonna have to do something for him..


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## hurtnewwife (Feb 19, 2011)

He went to see the doctor with me and they told him what was going on, and also chatted with him about the pain I'm experiencing. 

I have tried to be sexual with him, even saying we need to get creative, but when I actually try it ends up not going anywhere and then he accuses me of not trying. I guess I could be more persistent - but I have had sex with him grin and bared the pain and even tried to enjoy it. The doctor gave me dialators to relax my muscles and I have asked him on plenty of occasions to help me with them in hopes I could be loosened up enough to have intercourse, but then he never wants to. Also for the next 5-6 weeks I have to heal = nothing inside me for that time period so for he is frustrated with that. I used to want to try to do things and I gave him bj and hj and kissing but then he goes back and says I NEVER do that and it makes me feel like it wasn't good enough so why keep trying. I feel like im in a lose lose here. I don't really want a divorce its just sometimes I feel so trapped with someone who doesn't fully love me and I want out at that moment.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

First. Take a DEEP breath in. You have HPV. You can't get MORE HPV. So not having sex is not going to increase your risk of preventing cervical cancer. I was diagnosed with HPV many years ago, probably at about your age. I have a few procedure to clear some abnormal cells that I had. I have had clean paps ever since. And my body has disposed of the HPV. You need to stay current with you gyn. Speak to him or her about your concerns wrt sex and cancer. S/he should be able to reassure you.

Pain. Yah. This is a tough one. Your husband and you saved yourself for marriage. That means neither one of you have any experience. He is likely doing things and not doing others that lead to the pain. Sex does not have to be painful. Your fears are also causing tense, tight muscles.

One thing it is in your best interest to understand about difference in men and women. Women want to feel loved and cherish to have sex. Men feel the love and cherishment THROUGH sex. When you deny a man sex, you are denying him more than just getting off or a warm hole to stick it. There can be GREAT damage in going down the I don't want sex path. Read up in the men's clubhouse...

So here are the problems I see 

1. You have fear. This fear is contributing to painful sex.
2. He very likely has technique and inexperience issues that contribute to the pain.
3. His unsupportive behavior toward your feelings and you condition are making MASSIVE withdrawals from your love bank.

Let's start with #1. This is all you. With regard to the fear of cancer, you need to learn and grow to whatever degree you need to to overcome this fear. Speak to your gyn. Speak to a therapist if needs be. The fear of the pain will go away as you begin to have sex that does not hurt and presumably someday have sex that is satisfying and enjoyable to YOU. If you have ever been sexually assaulted or abused, I would recommend counseling to determine what role, if any, that plays in your fears.

#2 - Tread lightly here. The goal here is to improve sex and your satisfaction of it. NOT to kill a man's fragile ego. And where performance is concerned, men's egos can be very fragile indeed. My advice would be get some how to books to read. There are loads. Let him see you reading them. Tell him that you feel intimidated by your lack of experience and are trying to learn. How could he not appreciate your lack of effort? Maybe you are even shy enough about the subject that you feel it would be fun to read them together. 

Try an exploration attitude about sex. Perhaps buy a nice piece of lingerie. Tell him you want to explore SLOWLY. Do a LOT of touching and foreplay. You touch on him a lot too and learn about him. This can give you time to open up AND can set the stage for slow entry and build up.

LOTS OF LUBE. Lube is your friend. 

Passionate Marriage by Schnark is a very good read. 

#3. Set this straight NOW. The temptation will be to ignore this one and wait to see if it gets better. Don't. The patterns will only entrench and build more and more resentment.Suggestions would be reading His Needs, Her Needs as well as reading over marriagebuilders.com.

At this point, hopefully you are feeling hopeful that there are things you can do to help your marriage! More likely you are thinking, why do *I* have to be doing all this? Shouldn't he be being more supportive??!!? The answer is YES, and if he were the one posting here, I would be telling him so. But he isn't. You are. 

The goal is to change the situation/dynamic so that changes come about in your marriage that make BOTH of you happy. 

You are young and newly married. How I wish I had come to a board such as this as early as you, and not spent so much time building resentment and negative habits. You have such a wonderful opportunity to build a wonderful marriage from the ground up.

Good luck to you.

Oh and PS if none of this works, go to marriage counseling. I don't want to hear from you in 10 years that you waited and waited and OMG now what am I going to do?


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

When was the last time you gave him a BJ or HJ..


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

hurtnewwife said:


> He went to see the doctor with me and they told him what was going on, and also chatted with him about the pain I'm experiencing.
> 
> I have tried to be sexual with him, even saying we need to get creative, but when I actually try it ends up not going anywhere and then he accuses me of not trying. I guess I could be more persistent - but I have had sex with him grin and bared the pain and even tried to enjoy it. The doctor gave me dialators to relax my muscles and I have asked him on plenty of occasions to help me with them in hopes I could be loosened up enough to have intercourse, but then he never wants to.


Can you expound on "he doesn't want to"? Can you give us some idea of what his attitudes on sex is?

I have this image I have created in my mind. And I have no idea of whether or not it is accurate. So bear with me. Twenty something year old male saves himself for marriage. He is HORNY to beat the band. He wants to get in, thrust like a madman and get off. He is being selfish and greedy, and in his worldview, that is his right as husband. And your duty as wife is to provide.

Did I come close?

If this is the case, then you have more of an uphill battle than I had previously stated. You need to get him to understand that the path to HIS success is THROUGH YOURS. 

He does NOT want to be one of the men who comes here after 10 years of sexless or vanilla sex complaining that his wife never wants to do anything creative. But that is the road he is walking if he does not correct himself.





> Also for the next 5-6 weeks I have to heal = nothing inside me for that time period so for he is frustrated with that. I used to want to try to do things and I gave him bj and hj and kissing but then he goes back and says I NEVER do that and it makes me feel like it wasn't good enough so why keep trying.
> 
> I feel like im in a lose lose here. I don't really want a divorce its just sometimes I feel so trapped with someone who doesn't fully love me and I want out at that moment.


It sounds like you are trying hard. Do NOT have children until this issue is resolved at least somewhat. Children do NOT help a troubled marriage. 

Your husband sounds like a selfish, immature, dink. But many of us at that age are exactly that. My husband and I had to spend some fair amount of effort trying to help each other grow up and grow better. If you feel he is a good man of solid character who just needs a leader in the growing up department, then all is definitely not lost. 

Pretend you are in school doing a self study on successful marriage. Get reading on some of those resources I mentioned.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Hurtnewwife. There are some male posters on this board who may come on here and beat you up for not giving him some. Or so it will seem to you in your current sensitive state. But they do offer the point of view of a man not getting any. And it can be enlightening to try to understand their point of view. PLEASE don't take any vitriol you may receive to heart.


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

vthomeschoolmom is right, us guys can be real jerks..

But this is really tricky because iv never had to deal with my Wife having medical problems.. Worst it ever was that we couldnt have sex for 6 weeks after our kids were born.. but she still took care of business for me..


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

hurtnewwife said:


> For the last year I have been under the impression that I could have cervical cancer. I had 3 abnormal pap smears and have been told I have a serious type of HPV that can cause cervical cancer. I have no want to have sex currently because sex is what gave me the HPV to begin with and I'm AFRAID - stupid or not I'm scared and my husband isn't giving me any reason to cling to him as my support
> 
> I am 25 and was diagnosed with HPV at 24, while my husband and I were engaged. We were abstaining from sex before marriage for his sense of marital peace with God, and I guess to an extent I wanted the same. On the wedding night sex was seriously and absolutely painful. Honeymoon was the same thing and both instances he got angry with me - but I WAS trying. Now, 9 months into our marriage and a 2000 mile move across the country and job changes, we, as he puts it, never have sex. I have tried but it hurts.
> 
> ...


I have HPV too, though I have only had two colposcopies, no biopsies or LEEP. I have the same strain you have, yet I do not experience pain during sex. Making love will not worsen the HPV. 
Maybe you can get your gyno to prescribe some cream for your vaginal skin condition. You and your husband can indulge in relaxed foreplay like taking a bath together and giving massages.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Tool said:


> vthomeschoolmom is right, us guys can be real jerks..


No. That is not what I said. I said that in her sensitive state, it may look like she is being attacked and to actually try to listen to your message from a male point of view and leave any bad feeling stuff behind.


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

Well I still think I can be a jerk lol..


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Tool said:


> Well I still think I can be a jerk lol..


I KNOW I can be a jerk! My husband is very rarely a jerk. Just not in him.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Here is a book that might help you both explore other ways of having satisfying intimacy without intercourse - http://www.amazon.com/Let-Count-Way...=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1298147714&sr=8-1


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## ASV (Feb 6, 2011)

I try not to be a jerk,but i think your hubby IS an immature jerk.
Apparently he thinks only about himself(typical young male ego) but has no clue yet about what a good relationship and sex entails altogether.
He needs to pull his head out of his arse and get educated on the subjects
He needs to help you trough this,not fight you trough this.
Sex is not 'Ram Bam thank you mam.
He needs to focus on you before focusing on himself.

Abstaining from sex before marriage cause of religious reasons might sound like a Noble idea,but in reality it is often the opposite.
I call it "buying a cat in the bag".
Neither one knows if they are compatible with each other in that regard.
You guy's did not do each other a favor not to engage in sex beforehand.Now the chickens are coming home to roost.

God don't give a rats ass about having premarital sex.
Its a MALE invented thing. MALE EGO towards women.99 % of males HAVE sex before they marry.But the girl they marry better be virgin. 
Young guy's including your H don't think about NOTHING else.If they don't think about sex, then something is wrong.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Tool said:


> vthomeschoolmom is right, us guys can be real jerks..
> 
> But this is really tricky because iv never had to deal with my Wife having medical problems.. Worst it ever was that we couldnt have sex for 6 weeks after our kids were born.. but she still took care of business for me..


My wife has had a plethora of medical problems, some of which impaired our ability to have sex for months at a time. I always reacted with the utmost character, in terms of supporting her (she'd testify to that in court -- and did, once). But even at her worst she recognized (even dimly) that I was a helluva lot more supportive when I wasn't freaking out about sex (which men do. Like, all the time). 

I'm not going to add much to what the lady posters have said here, because you probably wouldn't accept me as a credible authority in the first place, but I would add that this is yet another in a long, depressing stream of marital difficulties that sprung up between couples who wanted to "wait for marriage".

That's like waiting to get your driver's license before you ever get behind the wheel of a car. If you wait until marriage and have a crappy sex life, then you have no one else but yourself to blame for it, for not securing some basic skills before you got into bed with someone. 

Just sayin'.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

ASV said:


> Abstaining from sex before marriage cause of religious reasons might sound like a Noble idea,but in reality it is often the opposite.
> I call it "buying a cat in the bag".
> Neither one knows if they are compatible with each other in that regard.
> You guy's did not do each other a favor not to engage in sex beforehand.Now the chickens are coming home to roost.
> ...



Actually, I'll be furious with my boys if they marry a virgin. And furious with my daughter if she waits until marriage. But then again, I'm not Christian or Moslem.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Is part of the problem a bit of resentment about how you acquired HPV?


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