# is my man acting selfish?



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

I REALLY love mu husband and he loves me too. We respect each other's opinions as well. he is now searching new jobs for himself (for whatever reasons). I know he needs a better job because his present job really really sucks(REALLY!!) and he does not even see any growth for himself there. most of his colleagues have moved on too 
I am doing some planning to apply to grad school in my area. He knows that very well and he even knows the amount of hard work I am putting in for the application. Still, he is applying to jobs outside our city. We are in NY now. Is this not selfish of him? I'm hating him for this and am not able to concentrate on my applications etc. I spent so much time(infact few months) researching programs that would suit my interest and our budget. A new city means, I need to start over again with all this and who knows my program of interest may not even be available there.
What should I do? I'm losing sleep and peace of mind over this.
The option of both of us staying separately during my course is ruled out because neither can we live like that(yeah, i will miss him) nor will it suit our financial situation.

LAdies(and men), please give me some inputs. I'm so so stressed out. I feel that he is an insensitive,selfish MAN but in my heart I love him.

Thanks for reading through.


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## Jabasag (Jan 5, 2011)

SO its your dreams of a better self versus his escape from day to day drudgery. This is always a hard one for working couples to figure out. But you have not yet been accepted to grad school and he has not yet been accepted for a job outside the area. Why stress over stuff that hasn't even happened yet? Let him explore! Let's put it this way. IF somebody posted "I can't stand my job. It's draining the life out of me. But I can't search for work outside my current city because my boyfriend might get into graduate school where we live now. " Would we think that was selfish? 
Is he planning to help to support you during grad school? If so, he has some say in the matter, in my opinion.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

It's more that you're both being selfish but with good reason. Personal happiness and success is important for each individual in the marriage. The question is has he discussed what will happen if he gets a job that requires a move? It's unfair of him if he won't discuss it with you because both of you have to feel like you're getting what you want.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

You haven't begun graduate school yet? Are you in school currently? Working and thinking of obtaining higher learning? I ask because I think your current situation has a bearing on the solution. 

If you are currently working and planning to go back to school, can it wait? Can you give him some time to look into his options and THEN look into yours? 

Mutual support is what's necessary here. I'm not sure the best way to go about that without knowing your situation better, but I agree with Jabasag -- if he's supporting you while you're in grad school, he should be given the opportunity to find a job he enjoys.


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

Jabasag said:


> SO its your dreams of a better self versus his escape from day to day drudgery. This is always a hard one for working couples to figure out. But you have not yet been accepted to grad school and he has not yet been accepted for a job outside the area. Why stress over stuff that hasn't even happened yet? Let him explore! Let's put it this way. IF somebody posted "I can't stand my job. It's draining the life out of me. But I can't search for work outside my current city because my boyfriend might get into graduate school where we live now. " Would we think that was selfish?
> Is he planning to help to support you during grad school? If so, he has some say in the matter, in my opinion.


Yes, its my dream to start grad school this year and Yes,my husband is going to partially pay for my tuition because I have already quit my job for pursuing school.
I constantly keep wondering what if this happens(since there's a good chance for it to happen) and freak out/stress out.


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

Trenton said:


> It's more that you're both being selfish but with good reason. Personal happiness and success is important for each individual in the marriage. The question is has he discussed what will happen if he gets a job that requires a move? It's unfair of him if he won't discuss it with you because both of you have to feel like you're getting what you want.


Yes, he has discussed with me. but ,he kind of 'takes it for granted' that I can start school in the new place. I know he should be ideally discussing with me about the location but somehow ,only in this matter he is just going ahead because I think he is in a bad situation himself. he is very understanding otherwise.


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

Janie said:


> You haven't begun graduate school yet? Are you in school currently? Working and thinking of obtaining higher learning? I ask because I think your current situation has a bearing on the solution.
> 
> If you are currently working and planning to go back to school, can it wait? Can you give him some time to look into his options and THEN look into yours?
> 
> Mutual support is what's necessary here. I'm not sure the best way to go about that without knowing your situation better, but I agree with Jabasag -- if he's supporting you while you're in grad school, he should be given the opportunity to find a job he enjoys.


No, I am not in school yet. I quit my job last year to pursue higher learning. If I was currently working,then I would gladly give my man his way first. Yes, he is going to support me financially in grad school.


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

I am so sucked up with this situation. I just want to leave everything and run away. But, when I think of my husband I feel so sad that he is struggling with his job and is also the only bread winner for us right now.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

The man has to work. So it's either find another job, or he stays at his suckie job, which will be miserable for him. Without his job, and support there will be no grad school for you, what's selfish about that.
You may have to postpone school, just for a semester. He can find a better job he'll be happy in, and make more money. And you can go to school without all the money worries. Win/win situation for both you.
Your man doesn't sound selfish or insensitive. He just wants a better life for you and himself. If he were selfish he would say, no to grad school, and you have to keep working. But he didn't.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

4sure said:


> The man has to work. So it's either find another job, or he stays at his suckie job, which will be miserable for him. Without his job, and support there will be no grad school for you, what's selfish about that.
> You may have to postpone school, just for a semester. He can find a better job he'll be happy in, and make more money. And you can go to school without all the money worries. Win/win situation for both you.
> Your man doesn't sound selfish or insensitive. He just wants a better life for you and himself. If he were selfish he would say, no to grad school, and you have to keep working. But he didn't.


:iagree:


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

4sure and reachingshore, thank you for your inputs.
Yes, I know that he if he finds a good job then it means more money and more peace of mind for us. But, I'm feeling so bad that I have to post pone my plans. When we moved from Johannesburg to New York last year, I left my job because the husband got a good job in NY and I compromised so that we can live together . Now, after over a year he hates his job(and I can emphatize) and he wants to look out for new ones. But,what happens to my plans that I made for the last one year?

I know that I have to be an understanding wife and try to compromise. I'm making plans for a year now to go to Graduate school and we were saving money for the last one year so that I can start in 2011. Looks like, I will have to wait ,may be in 2012 then  .
I really don't know if there is any other way out.


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## angela85 (Jan 2, 2011)

He is planning to work outside the city you are in... WHy not research the place that he had interest to apply with... Research if there are grad school nearby or nearby the city... You said he is the one who partially pay the tuition for your graduate school so he has the right to chose. Aside from he has the right, i think you are the one who is being more selfish. Think of it he haven't grow in the place you are currently lived with he thinks that opportunity for him is outside he is not being selfish but rather he thinks how he could give you a good life..


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

sometimes life dosen't go as PLANNED. You got to roll with the punches. And lose the woe is me attitude.

I realize when something dosen't turn out as planned it sucks.
but look at the big picture and regroup try as best as you can to have a positive attitude and keep on truckin.


Good luck


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## Cinta (Dec 29, 2010)

I agree with above. You said yourself that he is normally very understanding. Could it be that he is not so understanding this time around because he just cannot tolerate his job no matter how much he tries?? I have been in that situation and it is a very lonely and frightening place to be. You both risk losing everything if he attempts to "just put up with it" for too long, he might just snap one day (like I did) and can't go back... leaving you BOTH with no income whatsoever. He has to take what he can get at the moment, and if that means relocating, then so be it.


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

angela85 said:


> He is planning to work outside the city you are in... WHy not research the place that he had interest to apply with... Research if there are grad school nearby or nearby the city... You said he is the one who partially pay the tuition for your graduate school so he has the right to chose. Aside from he has the right, i think you are the one who is being more selfish. Think of it he haven't grow in the place you are currently lived with he thinks that opportunity for him is outside he is not being selfish but rather he thinks how he could give you a good life..


angela,thanks for ur words. We don't know where we wil b moving. It all depends on where he finds a job. So, if it is NY itself then we are good otherwise we need to move.


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> sometimes life dosen't go as PLANNED. You got to roll with the punches. And lose the woe is me attitude.
> 
> I realize when something dosen't turn out as planned it sucks.
> but look at the big picture and regroup try as best as you can to have a positive attitude and keep on truckin.
> ...


chillymorn, this is so true and your words made my day today :smthumbup: . Thank You. I know that life throws us off sometimes but I am not able to handle this and this made me post here. I am at home for 1.5 years now,after leaving my job, and this makes me really crave to go back to school Yeah...I got to regroup and somehow wait till this phase of our lives is over.


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

Cinta said:


> I agree with above. You said yourself that he is normally very understanding. Could it be that he is not so understanding this time around because he just cannot tolerate his job no matter how much he tries?? I have been in that situation and it is a very lonely and frightening place to be. You both risk losing everything if he attempts to "just put up with it" for too long, he might just snap one day (like I did) and can't go back... leaving you BOTH with no income whatsoever. He has to take what he can get at the moment, and if that means relocating, then so be it.


 Cinta,thanks to you too for your input. Yes, he is just not able to tolerate the job and they make him work for 14-16 hours a day instead of the usual 8-9 hours. This is taking a toll on our personal lives too because we are not able to pursue our hobbies or do anything else that we enjoy. 
Like you say, it is a very lonely situation for him. I see him worry over it but I cannot do anything except help him in his job search(which I do sometimes).
I think the best option is that I just wait patiently to see what happens and then plan for my grad classes. I am already taking some standardized tests (GMAT)for admissions to get ready
I hope this phase passes soon. I too have to finish my studies and start working again, we need the money too.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

luvmydarling said:


> chillymorn, this is so true and your words made my day today :smthumbup: . Thank You. I know that life throws us off sometimes but I am not able to handle this and this made me post here. I am at home for 1.5 years now,after leaving my job, and this makes me really crave to go back to school Yeah...I got to regroup and somehow wait till this phase of our lives is over.


Glad I made your day.

we all need reminded of this sometimes.eaiser said than done most times.

take care


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I still see a big communication gap. It doesn't matter what I think or any other poster what matters is what you and your husband think.

It seems like you guys have talked a little, but haven't got to that deep level to help make all sides feel well informed and secure.

My input is he should suck it up just because that is what I would do. I put my wife's needs above my own.....in the same token if I told my wife I was that miserable she too would quickly change her plans for me.

It doesn't matter what works for us it matters what works for you!! Keep talking with your husband so both of you feel secure!


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

MxRacer965 said:


> I don't think there is anything wrong with what he is doing and I think it would benefit the both of you to support him in searching for a better job. If anything it almost sounds like you are being a bit selfish since you haven't started school yet. You both still have flexibility because of that fact. Take advantage of it! Let him find a job that he enjoys, and then figure out the grad school stuff. That or find an online university that you like and it won't matter where you are!


mxRacer,thank u for ur post. I know that this is a good chance to find a job for him and move,if needed. I can only hope that all goes well. I have applied to my state university here and I'm still waiting for a decision for their Spring intake(classes wil start this month). I am worried that if I am accepted into the program,I may have to forego it


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

OhGeesh said:


> I still see a big communication gap. It doesn't matter what I think or any other poster what matters is what you and your husband think.
> 
> It seems like you guys have talked a little, but haven't got to that deep level to help make all sides feel well informed and secure.
> 
> ...


ohgeesh,thanks for ur inputs. My situation gives me soo much stress - may not sound a big deal to many. I wish I could suck it up!. I've already waited for over a year. Not able to take it anymore. Unfortunately,the same with the husband. He is in a miserable situation too. But,ultimately, he is the sole earning member of our family right now and so I sometimes think that it makes more sense to let him go his way(atleast we are sure of some money every month). I pray to God to give me the strength to go through this.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

I think that you are the one being selfish. It seems like you are only thinking of *your *goals and *your *happiness. The man is willing to PAY FOR YOUR EDUCATION AND SUPPORT YOU WHILE YOU ARE IN SCHOOL. Be thankful that you have a decent husband. You can always go back to school later.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

luvmydarling said:


> I REALLY love mu husband and he loves me too. We respect each other's opinions as well. he is now searching new jobs for himself (for whatever reasons). I know he needs a better job because his present job really really sucks(REALLY!!) and he does not even see any growth for himself there. most of his colleagues have moved on too
> I am doing some planning to apply to grad school in my area. He knows that very well and he even knows the amount of hard work I am putting in for the application. Still, he is applying to jobs outside our city. We are in NY now. Is this not selfish of him? I'm hating him for this and am not able to concentrate on my applications etc. I spent so much time(infact few months) researching programs that would suit my interest and our budget. A new city means, I need to start over again with all this and who knows my program of interest may not even be available there.
> What should I do? I'm losing sleep and peace of mind over this.
> The option of both of us staying separately during my course is ruled out because neither can we live like that(yeah, i will miss him) nor will it suit our financial situation.
> ...


It is not a good idea for us to plan things when we are not certain about one thing. 

It is not a good idea for a couple to live separately. 

If he doesn't like his job, and he wants to look for a new job, it will be a better idea for him to do it after you know which school you are going to go. And it is better for him to look for a job near where your school is. It will help you positively. And in the end, your peaceful mind will help him indirectly. Or your family life and atmosphere is ruined. And he doesn't even know if he will get a job or not by doing it now. It is not worth it for him to look for a job now!

Is it a job changing season there in the US?

In Taiwan, people usually change their jobs after Chinese New Year, because a lot of people are changing jobs, and a lot of companies are hiring. 

We plan, plan carefully, plan step by step!


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

Mrs.G said:


> I think that you are the one being selfish. It seems like you are only thinking of *your *goals and *your *happiness. The man is willing to PAY FOR YOUR EDUCATION AND SUPPORT YOU WHILE YOU ARE IN SCHOOL. Be thankful that you have a decent husband. You can always go back to school later.


Mrs G,I know - my husband is so understanding and decent! Somehow,I wanted to start School this year and this uncertainty is not allowing me too. I feel so helpless. I think I am going to give him his way and wait. It may mean that I post pone school for a year or so.


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> It is not a good idea for us to plan things when we are not certain about one thing.
> 
> It is not a good idea for a couple to live separately.
> 
> ...


Greenpearl,thank you so much for your input. The problem is he is not finding jobs for his need and skill set in my city. So, it may require us to move. I think its better I wait, since I am not able to see him go through this troubled time. May be, if I give him his way this time, he will support me even more in the coming months for my master's program . 
It is not a hiring season here, but, his employer has cut his salary and is also increasing the work load so much. All his co-workers have found new and better jobs and have left. Many had to relocate to different cities/states. Unfortunately, job search is not working for my husband so far.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

luvmydarling said:


> Greenpearl,thank you so much for your input. The problem is he is not finding jobs for his need and skill set in my city. So, it may require us to move. I think its better I wait, since I am not able to see him go through this troubled time. May be, if I give him his way this time, he will support me even more in the coming months for my master's program .
> It is not a hiring season here, but, his employer has cut his salary and is also increasing the work load so much. All his co-workers have found new and better jobs and have left. Many had to relocate to different cities/states. Unfortunately, job search is not working for my husband so far.


He will really be happy if you support him first!  When he feels that you put his happiness the first place, he will turn around and do whatever he can to make you happy!  When a husband and wife are in love, that's what they do normally! If he sees no support from you, he will be disappointed and then he will have less energy to fight! 

Looks like his job situation is really bad, I think it is better for him to find a job elsewhere. If the company is cutting salary and the other employees are leaving, I have no confidence that the company will survive long term. If one person is doing two people or more people's job, it is not good for one's health. Your husband is already stressed and miserable, I do encourage him looking for a different job. And you guys can move to the place where his new job is. 

Hope he finds a job soon. But no matter what, find a job first, then talk about other plans!


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> Looks like his job situation is really bad, I think it is better for him to find a job elsewhere. If the company is cutting salary and the other employees are leaving, I have no confidence that the company will survive long term. If one person is doing two people or more people's job, it is not good for one's health. Your husband is already stressed and miserable, I do encourage him looking for a different job. And you guys can move to the place where his new job is.
> 
> Hope he finds a job soon. But no matter what, find a job first, then talk about other plans!


Greenpearl, what you have mentioned here is the EXACT situation that's going on with the husband - they are cutting jobs,ofcourse the company is very safe, but, they give him the worl load of 2-3 persons and this is taking a toll on his health and stress levels. It is affecting our personal time too because he has to work even after he comes home.
May be I"ll wait for him to settle down and be an understanding wife. I will tell him to turn around for me once he settles downI pray to God to give me the patience to wait through this.


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