# Feels like I'm flying blind - scary, but good???



## milltown01

My wife of nearly 9 years and I have been "separated" for about two months. I say separated - but we've continued to live together and for the most part we've managed to co-exist peacefully. We are parents of a 5-year-old son and a nearly 3-year-old daughter.

She initiated the split. Her reason was that she felt I had become a different person - someone who was emotionally distant and shut-off. She felt she tried to bring me back but that I didn't respond and she finally realized the only way to happiness was to end our marriage.

Her follow through has been somewhat hot and cold. She was definitely hot for it when it started - she was very resolute - she retained a lawyer and started the proceedings. What had followed has been periods of inactivity (I know the process takes awhile) - followed by bursts of "I need to move forward" and then taking a step back again.

The past two weeks have been very good. I went from sleeping on the couch to sleeping in the bed again (albeit with a body pillow dividing the bed). I started approaching it from another angle - I realized I couldn't fix what had been done - but I could work to reconnect as the new "old" me.

We lost our first child back in 2008 at birth - and really the drift began at that point. I know I went from being a goofy, open person to being closed up and a bit shutdown. It was never intentional. I have spent the last two months finding myself again - doing a lot of introspection and asking a lot of tough questions of myself and my role in what went wrong.

Anyway, like I said - last two weeks have been especially good. She didn't say she was calling anything off - but it felt like we were getting to know one another again and that we were enjoying one another's company again - tentative - but definitely happening. I saw it in something as simple as lying in bed and talking until we fell asleep or sitting up together after the kids went to bed and watching television.

I couldn't do any romantic gestures - but I did what I could when I could. I made sure she had a nice Mother's day - made presents with the kids and then made breakfast for her. Even something as simple as putting away laundry or changing the sheets on our bed.

So - this past Tuesday she sends me a text that essentially says while she realizes that we've been getting along really well and while she doesn't want to be the one to rock the boat - we did need to talk about the progression moving forward.

I took that to mean that despite the good feelings - nothing has changed. It was a blow and I said okay, let's talk tonight (she walks late on Tuesday nights).

The conversation started out about our daughter who we lost - and it was sad - we both cried. It then morphed into a conversation about us. I was honest - I told her how much I was hurting and how much I loved her. We both cried some more. She talked about how she felt like I loved the kids more than her - I told her that was never true. She acknowledged that I was the new "old" me again - but said it had only been for a month - and I told her that it had been hard to get to that point. We had some silences - which weren't awkward - just expectant - if that makes any sense. During one of those pauses we laughed as we shared a joke between us - not just idle laughter - but deep laughter - kind of broke the tension.

We talked some more - and then went to bed - and we probably spent at least an hour in bed talking about stuff and really just acting goofy - like a couple of kids - a lot of laughter.

The divorce was never specifically mentioned, however. Personally, I felt like something profound was exchanged between us - a lowering of the guards we had put up. 

Last night was agonizingly normal. We got along great. After the kids went to bed we sat and watched television together and she let me clumsily rub her back. We went to bed and while she was getting ready I took the body pillow off of the bed and I snuggled into her side as we fell asleep - both pretty much exhausted from being up late the night before.

I woke up this morning feeling anxious and panicked. It was like so much had happened and it felt good - but I wanted more - I wanted to "know". I snuggled back into her as we waited for the alarm to go off and maybe I was a bit too "amorous" as she kind of rebuffed me - not angrily - more of like a "slow down, I'm not sure of this" with a bit of a laugh - so I backed off a bit and we spent the last couple of minutes just lying together.

The morning was okay after we got up - not tense - though at one point she asked me if I was mad at her - not in a snippy way - and I said of course not. We hugged goodbye - no kissing - but the past couple of days we've been hugging on a regular basis - real hugging.

Throughout this entire journey I've always felt like we weren't that far apart - even when it would briefly get ugly - the only thing holding us back was her unwillingness to consider the possibility. I just knew I needed to work on myself - and that was the only thing I could do to maybe save this.

I feel like we're at a real crossroads and I don't know what to do. I know I pushed maybe a little too much this morning - though it didn't seem to do any damage - just a slow down. I really do feel like I'm flying blind and it's very scary because I don't know how to move forward - I don't want to screw this up - but I'm thankful that I feel like I have the opportunity to make it right.

What makes it especially anxious right now is that we're going to be spending the weekend apart. I always go to the Indianapolis 500 with my dad (she used to go - but stopped once we had kids) and she is taking the kids up to her mom and dad's lake cottage. On one hand I'm feeling good about our progress and I don't want to be apart from them - but I also feel like maybe it's okay - maybe a little distance might help?? It's not like we'll be out of contact with one another. I sent her a text this morning and said that part of me wished I was going along with them and she replied yes, the kids will miss you. I said I'll miss all of your guys - and responded "I guess I might miss you a little" which I felt was typed tongue-in-cheek - but with feeling.

I just want to show her how much I care - I can say it all I want - and I know my words have "weight" and I know my actions to become the person she originally fell in love with been noticed - I just don't know if this is the time for a small romantic gesture - even something sappy and slightly innocuous - but something to show her that the goofy, sweet, emotional person she met really is here - and he really does care - and he really does want you.


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## happy as a clam

milltown, this is very encouraging. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. More importantly, you're not doing a lot of WRONG things to further provoke a precarious situation.

I wouldn't worry about pushing too much this morning... IMHO, your reaching out for a little more was a natural and organic progression, given that you had fallen asleep snuggling with each other. And while she didn't go for it, she also didn't blow up, get angry, and turn it into something ugly.

Keep doing what you're doing. Continue to improve your SELF (sounds like you're doing great with that already and she is recognizing it), continue to be strong, continue to make yourself attractive to her by not appearing too needy or clingy. Most importantly, know that whichever way this goes, you will be just fine. 

I'm rooting for you .


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## milltown01

Thanks for the encouragement!

Yeah, I thought for a moment I had overplayed my hand and really blown it. This is the first time she's shown any openness since we started this ordeal and I'm terrified of her pulling back.

I don't think I damaged anything - she did not get mad - it really was kind of a "I'm not sure" kind of deal - and she said it with a slight hint of laughter in her voice.

It's just tough, you know? My devotion to her has been steadfast. Everyone has been telling me I've been crazy for sticking by her - just as people have been telling her she's been crazy for not sticking by me. The past two months have been pure hell. I love this girl so much - and what has passed between us seems so fixable to me.

I've felt like we've both been lost in the fog and I've been trying to find her but she didn't want to be found - she was excited by the "mysteries" around the next corner and now I feel like maybe she does want me to find her - and maybe I've already found her again. 

It's tough to be patient - but I also know I cannot rush the process.


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## SecondTime'Round

I agree, it is good news. Will you be returning home before her after the weekend is over? Maybe you could have some flowers in a vase waiting for her on the kitchen island/table/bathroom vanity, etc....


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## happy as a clam

milltown01 said:


> It's tough to be patient - but I also know I cannot rush the process.


Patience is a virtue... 

You've read it a thousand times here I'm sure, but the more self-confident, strong, and happy you appear, the more attractive you become to her (AND other women!) And that's exactly what you want. For her to see that you are happy, pleasant, cheerful, strong, confident, resolute, and moving forward with or without her. Not whining, pleading, begging, cajoling, clinging, crying, etc. And dragging her down.

Keep being there for her, but at the same time going about your own business and activities. Schedule fun activities for yourself, pursue a hobby, attend interesting events, work out, step up your wardrobe, smile, and be pleasant. And slightly mysterious. 

That's your best chance at making her see exactly what she may lose.

And the best part when you do these things is you really WILL be getting stronger, and able to move forward, no matter the outcome.


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## happy as a clam

SecondTime'Round said:


> Maybe you could have some flowers in a vase waiting for her on the kitchen island/table/bathroom vanity, etc....


Flowers ARE a nice gesture... usually. But I would be careful about doing anything that she might view as you trying to "romance" her. I think she might retreat or feel pressured.

Why not do some things that you might not ordinarily do -- like plan and take the kids somewhere without a bunch of input from her, or perhaps stop at the grocery store "out of the blue" and pick up items for dinner -- then cook it with the kids. Do things that she will perceive as you being confident and successful at, without any input or direction from her.

And don't tell her, "Relax honey, I'm cooking dinner for YOU" (which she will perceive as more sucking-up). You simply say, "The kids and I decided to cook dinner tonight." Which is what a strong, take-charge man would say. And then you and the kids proceed to have a blast making grilled cheeses .


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## milltown01

SecondTime'Round said:


> I agree, it is good news. Will you be returning home before her after the weekend is over? Maybe you could have some flowers in a vase waiting for her on the kitchen island/table/bathroom vanity, etc....


Yeah, I'm generally home before she is. I'm thinking a nice cleaning of the house and some flowers. I'll admit to being pretty creative - I come from a family of artists - so I will think of something.


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## Amplexor

"Bringing you home to me escapes me for now
I know we can do this I just struggle with how 
Like standing in the fog on a huge frozen lake
Not sure of my bearings or what steps to take"

There are no rule books, road maps, guides or oracles for a marriage in crisis. Some of the things you list are good, some not. No matter which way the pendulum appears to be swinging you will over read it either way. Your emotional state will make you peer deeper than you really should. The only thing you can control is yourself. Through that you can improve the environment within the marriage, nothing more.

While you want things to improve rapidly, they may not. More importantly maybe they shouldn't. Your marriage has taken a shot over the bow. Recognize that for what it is. There is something very wrong. When your wife is ready to commit to reconciliation, don't just fix the obvious. Take the time to look at the foundations of the relationship. Address those underlying issues, both of you. If you don't you'll like find yourself in the same situation again somewhere down the road.


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## milltown01

happy as a clam said:


> Patience is a virtue...
> 
> You've read it a thousand times here I'm sure, but the more self-confident, strong, and happy you appear, the more attractive you become to her (AND other women!) And that's exactly what you want. For her to see that you are happy, pleasant, cheerful, strong, confident, resolute, and moving forward with or without her. Not whining, pleading, begging, cajoling, clinging, crying, etc. And dragging her down.
> 
> Keep being there for her, but at the same time going about your own business and activities. Schedule fun activities for yourself, pursue a hobby, attend interesting events, work out, step up your wardrobe, smile, and be pleasant. And slightly mysterious.
> 
> That's your best chance at making her see exactly what she may lose.
> 
> And the best part when you do these things is you really WILL be getting stronger, and able to move forward, no matter the outcome.


This pretty much describes what I've been doing. I pretty quickly realized that I need to work on myself. I figured the best chance to get back into her heart would be to open the hood - look inside and figure out what was (and wasn't) working inside of me - and then to work on improving those parts. To push her for an answer - to beg or plead or appear weak and helpless would have gotten me nowhere - just the same as simply getting mad at her because I didn't understand.

It's been a hard process - it's not easy being introspective because it requires one to admit to their own failings - which is tough. I've had to admit that I could have done things differently - and while I have regret - I haven't allowed myself to get sucked into despair - I've tried to use that to fuel the fire of self awareness and change.

I'd say over the past month I've been cheerful, hopeful, confident. I've always been pretty fit - but I had been letting myself go a bit - and I've worked on eating better and getting more exercise and I'm back down to my high school weight (well, almost) - and I'm 38!


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## milltown01

happy as a clam said:


> Flowers ARE a nice gesture... usually. But I would be careful about doing anything that she might view as you trying to "romance" her. I think she might retreat or feel pressured.
> 
> Why not do some things that you might not ordinarily do -- like plan and take the kids somewhere without a bunch of input from her, or perhaps stop at the grocery store "out of the blue" and pick up items for dinner -- then cook it with the kids. Do things that she will perceive as you being confident and successful at, without any input or direction from her.
> 
> And don't tell her, "Relax honey, I'm cooking dinner for YOU" (which she will perceive as more sucking-up). You simply say, "The kids and I decided to cook dinner tonight." Which is what a strong, take-charge man would say. And then you and the kids proceed to have a blast making grilled cheeses .


I saw this after I saw SecondTime'Round's response. I'm still thinking get the house picked up so when she comes home it's nice and clean - and maybe I'll skip the flowers - though maybe some flowers from the garden sitting in the kitchen might be a nice tough to lighten up the space.

I've already been doing a lot of this stuff. I've done a lot of cooking with the kids recently! I've dropped my skepticism and adopted her paleo diet and I've been learning to cook in that style - but yes - once in a while the kids and I have made grilled cheeses for dinner!!


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## milltown01

Amplexor said:


> "Bringing you home to me escapes me for now
> I know we can do this I just struggle with how
> Like standing in the fog on a huge frozen lake
> Not sure of my bearings or what steps to take"
> 
> There are no rule books, road maps, guides or oracles for a marriage in crisis. Some of the things you list are good, some not. No matter which way the pendulum appears to be swinging you will over read it either way. Your emotional state will make you peer deeper than you really should. The only thing you can control is yourself. Through that you can improve the environment within the marriage, nothing more.
> 
> While you want things to improve rapidly, they may not. More importantly maybe they shouldn't. Your marriage has taken a shot over the bow. Recognize that for what it is. There is something very wrong. When your wife is ready to commit to reconciliation, don't just fix the obvious. Take the time to look at the foundations of the relationship. Address those underlying issues, both of you. If you don't you'll like find yourself in the same situation again somewhere down the road.


You are very right. I have been guilty of peering too deep too many times. I know it's a bad idea - but I've built something out of hope time and time again only to have it come crashing down.

You are also right about something being very wrong - I can see now that we were both not happy. I was mad at her for awhile - I was not willing to look at my role - I just blamed her for quitting. It was only after I found myself willing and able to identify my role in what went wrong that I got some clarity.

I can say with a high degree of confidence that I have worked very hard to address my part in what went wrong. I let myself become a person I was not. I stopped being the person she fell in love with - maybe not completely - but enough. I don't want to be that guy anymore and I really feel like I'm closer mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically to the guy she married than I've been in a long time.

I understand that it takes two to make it work and for months she was unwilling to change - and that never stopped me from finding hope in everything she did. I got burned more than once.

I will say that this time truly feels different because while she hasn't come out and said I want this to stop - "something" passed between us Tuesday night. It felt like the proverbial weight being lifted. It's so hard to describe...but yeah, I'm still very cautious. You get burned enough times on false hope you get to be very wary - but I also feel like I cannot allow those emotional barriers to go back up.

I know I put them up when we lost our daughter. That kind of emotional pain hurts really, really bad. I did it without even thinking about it - just to protect myself - and in the process I shut her out. I can't put those back up to protect myself from getting hurt if she pulls back again.

I think I have to be willing to put myself out there - completely vulnerable - because if she sees me holding back she will retreat.


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## milltown01

A little update. I just got back from my portion of our split weekend. She won't be back with the kids for several more hours. My goal is to get the house picked up - get some chores done - and have a nice "Paleo diet" friendly Memorial Day dinner ready when they get home.

She was a little "distant" on Thursday night - I fear because of some of my more "bold" actions on Thursday morning. She hauled the body pillow back onto the bed to separate of sleeping arrangement - though she spent most of the night sleeping/snuggling the body pillow.

I was as helpful as I could be Friday morning - she and the kids were getting to leave and so was I. I knew my group was waiting for me - but I stayed long enough at home to get the car packed for her and to lend a hand with the kids.

She had a rough weekend - she struggled with the kids alone - didn't get much help from her mom and dad. We exchanged text messages on a routine basis. I was as supportive as I could be - though it was tough being so far away.

One thing she mentioned that had some meaning to me. She sent my sister a message wishing my niece and nephew a happy birthday. She has been on the outs with my mom and sisters (issues on both sides) and she did not come to their birthday party two Fridays ago - so she apparently sent an unsolicited message to my sister this weekend which was received warmly.

Honestly, it seemed like every other Memorial Day weekend over the past couple of years. We talked on a regular basis - mostly by text. She watched the race (Indy 500) on television and sent me comments.

I'm just really nervous about her coming home. I want to believe that the perceived progress of the last week is real - and that it has some meaning - but I'm wracked with self doubt.

I understand that any change on her end would be a big change and I should not expect this to be over overnight (if it is in fact going that way).

I know I just need to keep being myself - keep being the new "old" me. I need to stay confidant and happy and patient.


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## happy as a clam

Thanks for the update, milltown.

Just hang in there. Don't over-think things. Be calm, steady, resolute. Remember, she is looking for strength, leadership, direction, in her partner. You have all of those qualities now.

Don't waffle...


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## milltown01

I hate to have to type this - but it was an apparently an illusion. She came home early yesterday evening - and we had a nice night - I thought I felt a closeness - but she seemed to withdraw once the kids were in bed - communications went down - she seemed more concerned with watching TV than with talking to me about the weekend. Then - just after she turned out the light - she said "So, when are we going to tell the kids?"

I felt like a complete idiot - drawn in again - only to be dropped again - this time harder than anytime except for the first time.

It was just a complete re-entrenchment of everything she said before: I wasn't there when she needed me to be there. She still thinks I was at least emotionally attached to someone else (because obviously I had to be if I wasn't given her what she needed). She no longer trusts me - and when pressed for reasons why she was not able to provide many examples.

It was all about what I did wrong.

She said that her feelings towards me our "weird" but that she couldn't put it into words what that meant. I asked her if she hated me and she said no. 

I feel like a complete fool for thinking something had changed - and I cannot explain what went on last week because it felt like something had changed - and then a complete withdrawal again.

She said all we do is go over the past over and over again and it frustrates her - but it feels like she's the one who keeps bringing us back to the past - bringing up the old grievances that got us to this point. 

I then feel like I need to defend myself. Yes, I take full blame for my part in what went wrong - but I have worked very hard - asked some very hard questions of myself - to get back to being the person I used to be. Last week she acknowledged that I was that person again - last night she said I wasn't - she said I hadn't changed. It's like what is it???

I feel like she is constantly looking for ways to reinforce her original decision and when she cannot find it through my actions she simply falls back on assumptions about me that might have had some truth at one point - but no longer carry as much weight (if any).

Anyway - it breaks me heart (again) because we went from what I thought was a place of hope and connection back to where we started out - no hope, no chance of connecting again - moving forward with this process at all costs.

Just really, really sad.


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## Bafuna

Hie MiltownO1 please give us an update. I hope whatever is happening you are still working on improving you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## milltown01

Not really much to report. We'll be "final" 5-weeks from yesterday. I'm doing okay - and yes - I am still working on improving me. I'm in a good place in most areas of my life - I just miss her a lot. I never thought this would be us and once it was us - I always thought we would find one another again. I guess I know question how committed she ever really was - or how deep her love for me every really was.

She has a lot of issues she needs to be working through - but she won't get help. I think (at the least) she is suffering from depression and possibly even some bi-polar stuff. I think she feels a lot of guilt because she knows she's causing a lot of people pain. She's sad and scared - but most of the time she puts on a front and acts like she's a-okay.

I've struggled with a little anger recently. I'm mad that she gave up on us. I'm mad because she still plays the victim card. I'm mad because she still talks about how sad this makes her - and I'm like this didn't have to go down this way. This is the path she chose - and she chose the nuclear option right away. I'm mad because she never gave me a chance to fight for her - for us. I'm mad because she made a lot of assumptions about me and where I was. 

I know I need to let go of this anger - and I'm working on it.

Anyway - I wish I had better news to report. It's just been such a long four/five months. I'm really worn down. The future is scary - but one way or another I'll keep going. I've still got two GREAT kids to keep me company. I just still miss her so much (and we're still living together - which makes it tougher). I miss the human connection we once had - and while it sometimes still exists in a muted form - it's not what it was.


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## Bafuna

Thanks dear for the update. It will get better with time at they say...time is the greatest healer. Hang in there
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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