# Scheduled sex fails



## HardLanden (Oct 31, 2013)

To make a long story short, I’ve been struggling with insufficient sexual frequency for the last two of my four year marriage. We are late 40s. After a few discussions, my wife finally admitted that she felt that it’s a legitimate problem. She was diagnosed with diabetes about two years ago and had to stop drinking. She doesn’t feel the urge to have sex until she has had a few drinks. This all made sense to me because the timing coincided, but it seemed like an unsolvable problem.

Three weeks ago, she scheduled a weekend away at a resort for us to re-connect. Our resolution was to each pick a night each week on which we have sex no matter what. Two nights a week is an improvement over two nights every three weeks, which had become the norm. It almost meets my goal of every other night, which was the norm before our third year of marriage. I was encouraged by her acknowledgement of and effort to find a solution to this problem.

It seemed to be working until the last time my night came. I was rejected preemptively because she was sleepy, and she was feeling sick after an eating mistake. (Her MO is to reject preemptively before I have a chance to move on her.) When her night came (last night), I was rejected overtly because she was again too sleepy. Sex is no good for me unless she actually wants it. 

To be honest, the rejection eats at my self esteem, but I feel like I’m getting better at hiding my pain. I’m ready to declare the solution a failure and add ‘scheduled sex’ to the list of things that don’t work. Am I giving up too easily, or should I continue to play the game?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

What about "we each pick a night each week on which we have sex no matter what" did she not understand?

No, I don't think you should drop it. I think you should verbally confront her. Scheduled sex is meant as a reparation, so the chronically rejected spouse can feel more secure and the rejecting spouse can plan ahead. 

She treated it as no different than any other night. That is dishonorable, in my opinion. When you give your word to your spouse you give it. Excuses!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Yes, discuss her sabotage. Ask that she make up the rejections the next two nights and get back on schedule next week. If she won't, what are your options?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Has she tried weed? If she can have a drink to relax maybe a little weed will help. I have a friend who can only O when she's stoned. She says she just can't relax enough without it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Here's the issues as I see it. She doesn't want to have sex, at least not with you. Scheduling sex doesn't make her want it any more. Thus the failures. You can call her on it, but in the end, until you start addressing the reasons WHY she doesn't want sex with you, you'll be pushing a rope uphill. 

Btw... People who want sex find reasons to have it, and people who don't want sex find reasons to not have it. My SO can come over with a killer headache, and she'll still initiate sex. Often I don't find out till after that she had a headache. My STBXW was the opposite. She was like your wife. Any glitch in her day, and sex was off the table. 

Sorry you're in the situation you're in...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HardLanden (Oct 31, 2013)

MissScralett, I'll confront her now that it's clearly not simply an anomaly. 

Charlie, there's no difference between her night and my night. That was just the selection process.

Married but Happy, I'm with you classifying the "eating mistake" as sabotage.

Anon Pink, where have you been all my life? She's never tried it but would consider vaporizing weed if it were legal. It doesn't affect me sexually, but maybe it would her. It's not an O problem. She insists (as she should) that sex isn't over until were both finished. Maybe our next 'reset weekend' will be in Colorado.

Pbear, you're right about getting to the crux. She claims its insufficient alcohol comsumption. I suspect there's more to it but have never tried to drill deeper. I'm curious, why was your STBXW so finicky?

Thanks, friends.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Diabetes can be a real libido killer. It also can cause desensitization (loss of feeling) in normally sexually orgasmic areas.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

HardLanden said:


> MissScralett, I'll confront her now that it's clearly not simply an anomaly.
> 
> Charlie, there's no difference between her night and my night. That was just the selection process.
> 
> ...


She's saying she doesn't drink enough to want to have sex with you? That's got to hurt... There's much deeper issues at that point, I'm thinking. 

My thought on my ex... Poor self-esteem. Why she had poor self-esteem, I don't know. She wasn't interested in exploring the deeper causes, and she wouldn't working on addressing the current issue (like losing weight so she felt better about herself). Eventually I threw in the towel. It did get worse as I lost weight, as she then felt even worse about herself (yet still didn't do anything about it). Towards the end, she avoided the bedroom like Chernobyl, whenever I was awake. She stay up late drinking wine and watching tv until she knew I was asleep, then come up. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

There are more excuses than days in the week. Hint, hint


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Has she tried weed? If she can have a drink to relax maybe a little weed will help. I have a friend who can only O when she's stoned. She says she just can't relax enough without it.


Wow, Anon, you and SB really make me curious about this weed stuff.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Yes, discuss her sabotage. Ask that she make up the rejections the next two nights and get back on schedule next week. If she won't, what are your options?


Does anyone else now have The Beastie Boy's "Sagotage" stuck in their head? Just me?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I agree with PBear. She doesn't want to have sex with you, so until you get to the root of that confronting her about her nights and your nights is pointless. I'm not sure what the answer is but I know if I got the slightest hint my hubby didn't want sex with me I'd shut down real quick. Sorry I don't have more to offer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Mr HardLanden;

How was the sex before the 2 year point when things started going bad?

You seemed to pinpoint a moment (2 years into marriage) when things changed for the worst. What can you remember? any changes in her/you/life situation?

Most importantly, was she enthusiastic and enjoying sex before that period? If so, then i think there is a decent chance you can get back there. but if she was just kind of going along, then maybe now she feels secure enough to show her true feelings


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Wow, Anon, you and SB really make me curious about this weed stuff.


It's not my thing, but I don't begrudge those who find relief in the herb.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

She really needs to get her diabetes in excellent control. Losing 28 pounds and a healthy diet has made a big difference for me. 

Two offenses seems to be premature to give up. I think that there needs to be make up days to account for a miss or two. 

Maybe two a week is a bit of a stretch for her -it would be for my wife.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Do not give up, do not get used to "feeling rejected". Stand up for yourself and your needs. There is nothing wrong with needing and wanting sex from your spouse. NOTHING. No matter what anyone says, you are not overly horny, only want one thing, and sex driven. If you are a man that has related sex to intimacy and it goes beyond just wanting to orgasm (we can all masturbate, so most men prefer the connection), confront her and let her know the scheduled days are something you need. For yourself, for your relationship, and to keep you focused on making her totally happy.

And, yes scheduled sex can and does work. Me and my wife have had sex twice a day for the last 2 and a half years. We have been married for over 10 years. Prior to our communication, we had sex every other day and I always felt bad afterwards. I felt bad because I had to initiate and it seemed there were 100 things she had to do right when I would ask or initiate. For instance, it would go from laying down reading a book, to after I initiate, the cleaning, folding clothes, straightening up the room became a HUGE priority. Like, sex was the ultimate chore and she would rather clean house than be with me. It may not have been true, but that's how I felt. I let her know that's how I felt. For a few weeks she would change and it was back to the same thing. She'd always apologize, but it stayed the same.

Then, came a point where I felt I had to leave. Sex every other day meant nothing if it felt obligated. In fact, although I maintained my role as an alpha and initiated, regardless of knowing she would rather not be there, I spent time that I felt I needed to stay in love. Afterwards, I just felt like ****. However, my need for that connection trumped the awful feeling I had afterwards. Unlike some guys, who tend to beta themselves and just stop having sex because they don't want to feel bad, I didn't. If I did, I feel I would have been in a total sexless marriage today.

Once my wife saw that intimacy meant more than just a quick orgasm, she made her decision. It was either show me you love me or I will find someone that can. With kids, with a house, with everything every guy/woman decides takes priority over their happiness and needs, I decided that I had been 100% loyal and faithful and if I can't be happy with the most primal and basic need (gifts cost money, trips cost money, dinners cost money, sex is FREE / primal), then I need to move on. 

Now, under her own terms, sex is a daily activiity. She initiates almost 75% of the time, and is enthused. Why? Because it is no longer a chore, but part of her daily life to spend time with the person she loves. It's a lifestyle change. Falling in love is easy, staying in love is hard work. If she pulls me into a backroom early in the evening JUST to make sure she can relax and watch her favorite tv show later then fall asleep, she will. She makes sure that I am a part of her schedule and gives me the intimacy I need. Each morning she wakes up and in some way, shows that she loves me (not just verbally). Each night, the same. If it's kissing for 20 minutes, or sex, we spend intimacy time together no matter what. Sleepiness, headaches, or any other random reason doesn't mean love is put on hold for the day. And because of this attitude and lifestyle change (like exercising), sex has made our marriage healthy and we both find ways to enjoy it. And yes, because of the intimacy she now initiates and gives me, I am almost wrapped around he finger. We talk all day, I want to be around her like we are back in high school, and she is my best friend. My attention went from everything else, to her and my family.

It works, for sure. However, it doesn't work if you decide to just get used to be a door mat.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Scheduled sex isn't a magic bullet. It may have worked for the previous poster, but only because both people bought into it. Same as a lot of other marital issues... If both people buy into a solution to fix a problem, it's all good. If one or the other (or both) don't buy into it, it will likely fail. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

I agree 100% with PBear. 

Not allowing your needs to be ignored and being prepared to find someone who will buy into it, is the magic bullet.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

'Scheduled sex'......Isnt that a bit like saying 'I WILL have a pee at 0800, then again at 1300 then at 1800 and lastly at 2230 whether I want one or not.
Surely what really matters is that you pee 4 x a day?
If you dont need a pee at 1800 but force it, its not very nice....but have a pee when you are bursting, its ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Surely you should only have sex when you want it? having said that I can understand that if one partner wants it and the other doesn't then scheduled sex forces the issue.

If I was in a sexfull (as against 'less') marriage I would want my wife to have sex with me because she wants it and ME, not because it was 2153hrs on a Monday evening.

Perhaps agree to 2 x a week...if you get to Sunday evening and nil....wahay!! Double bill!


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## HardLanden (Oct 31, 2013)

askari said:


> If I was in a sexfull (as against 'less') marriage I would want my wife to have sex with me because she wants it and ME, not because it was 2153hrs on a Monday evening.
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> ...


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Hard - if you (thats the plural 'you') really want to work on this, fix it and reach a happy compromise, then well done, go for it.

However if you feel she is not interested or trying to reach a compromise, believe me things will only get worse.

Resentment will creep in and you will find yourself sitting opposite her at the dinner table looking at her thinking just how much you despise her for denying you your marital 'rights' and ruining your marriage.

I really hope you guys can work it out and be happy....


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

PBear said:


> Here's the issues as I see it. She doesn't want to have sex, at least not with you. Scheduling sex doesn't make her want it any more. Thus the failures. You can call her on it, but in the end, until you start addressing the reasons WHY she doesn't want sex with you, you'll be pushing a rope uphill.
> 
> Btw... People who want sex find reasons to have it, and people who don't want sex find reasons to not have it. My SO can come over with a killer headache, and she'll still initiate sex. Often I don't find out till after that she had a headache. My STBXW was the opposite. She was like your wife. Any glitch in her day, and sex was off the table.
> 
> ...


There's also an integrity failure on his wife's part. She obviously feels comfortable making an important commitment (possibly insincerely) and then bailing out when it's not convenient. IMO this failure is just as important as the low sexual desire. She thinks that what she does or does not feel like doing is the top priority. That lack of commitment is relationship poison (nobody feels like doing everything that needs doing that consistently) and needs to be addressed also.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

HardLanden said:


> askari said:
> 
> 
> > If I was in a sexfull (as against 'less') marriage I would want my wife to have sex with me because she wants it and ME, not because it was 2153hrs on a Monday evening.
> ...


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

PBear said:


> Scheduled sex isn't a magic bullet. It may have worked for the previous poster, but only because both people bought into it. Same as a lot of other marital issues... If both people buy into a solution to fix a problem, it's all good. If one or the other (or both) don't buy into it, it will likely fail.
> 
> C


Yes. At the end of the day, if his wife doesn't feel "in her gut" that keeping him sexually satisfied is in her best interest, then you won't get a workable solution.

But, that doesn't necessarily mean that the solution is to have her be more horny by means discussed here on TAM; although that is one solution, you ultimately can't control that. Another solution (or, an additional solution alongside the first, if you prefer, is to show what she may lose by not meeting your need.

You go out on your own, become more scarce to her, etc. That she feels threatened by losing your attention (as you noted above) tells me you might have to do exactly this. Don't have an affair, but be around less and do less for her. At the same time, don't whine for sex and such. State your expectation for satisfying (for you) sex 2x per week and enjoy your life either way while sending the message through your actions that you will be fine either way (with her providing, someone else providing, or you being alone).


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