# Feel disappointed, but guilty



## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

I've been with my husband 15 years, married for almost 11. We've had our issues but patched things up, but lately I've just been feeling rather depressed in my marriage. Mostly from what I've perceived as low effort in his part in the marriage and his video game addiction he will deny. But moving on.

Today was my 35th birthday and I feel like my husband put in minimal effort. This is probably the worst birthday so far regarding his level of effort, maybe next year I will just plan my own celebration.

He bought me a cake but went out after dinner to buy it in a rush. He got a flavor combo that was weird and just screams cheapest on the shelf and no thought. For a gift he bought me my favorite candy and cookies but thats it. Im disappointed this is all he put into it. For his bday I usually put more thought into it, I go to the best bakeries and get his favorite, and I get a gift he wants. I even told my husband what I wanted and I didn't get any gift, just food he bought in a rush while buying a cake I asked for (but not the flavor, I thought he had some taste).

Even our 7 year old son asked me if my husband got me a gift. So even he noticed.

I feel very guilty feeling disappointed, like I am being ungrateful. I keep telling myself at least he got me something but then I also feel like I deserve more. I'm the breadwinner, I'm a mother, I take care of him, I've been forgiving of him and his issues. I feel like he should do more for me at least on this day

Am I ungrateful or do I have reason to be upset by this lack of effort or thought put into my birthday? Would you be upset in my situation or would you just move on? I feel like talking to him about it but I also feel shame in doing that like I'm a spoiled brat.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Are birthdays important to your husband? I know you said you put a lot of effort into his birthdays, but does he care? 

My wife LOVES birthdays (and holidays). She goes all out with decorations, elaborate cakes, the perfect gift, etc. I let her do it, but personally, I think it's stupid. I could never celebrate another birthday (or holiday) or get another gift and I'd be totally fine, because I don't like celebrating anyway. 

So if we flip things around, I very rarely acknowledged her birthday. There were no flowers, presents, or cake. I didn't even buy her a card until two years ago. For the record, we're about the same age as you and together a tad longer. Sometimes I was just being an asshole, sometimes I was being selfish (it's a waste of time, effort, money to me), sometimes I had no clue what to do for her/get her so I did nothing (I'd rather do nothing than get something she wouldn't like), sometimes I just didn't really think about it because birthdays are not important to me. I'm not saying that behavior is okay, just showing the other side. 

If he has usually done more for your birthdays, was there anything else going on around your birthday this year that could have been causing him stress, been pre-occupying him, etc.? If you are the breadwinner, does he have the money to get you gifts? 

Of course you can feel upset by his lack of effort. 

Here's my suggestion... Talk to your husband. Tell him you appreciate that he did acknowledge your birthday (it could have been worse), and also tell him why you are upset. Do not turn it into an attack on him, that won't get you anywhere. Explain your feelings "I feel like I'm not worth the effort when you rushed out last minute to get my cake because it seems like you weren't thinking of me" or whatever. Explaining WHY presents, level of effort, etc. are important to you could be helpful. 

Get his side as well... The cake, maybe he bought a weird flavor because he just wanted to hurry up and get it back to you because he felt bad about forgetting it. Maybe he didn't even notice the flavor, not because he wasn't thinking of you but because he wanted to hurry back to you. Maybe he needs crystal clear direction.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Does your husband have a job?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

When I first started dating my husband, my birthday came around. He did nothing; said he didn't believe in 'having to' celebrate on what society says are special days; he'd rather just shower me with gifts on random days (see how he gets the control?). So when his birthday rolled around, I ignored it. You'd have thought I shot his mother, he was so upset. I just shrugged and said "I'm just following your rules." He rarely forgot my birthday after that.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You're supporting a guy who plays video games all day and you're worried about a birthday present?

Seems to me that you're focused on the wrong issue.


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## Mylehigh (Jul 8, 2019)

I believe that it is perfectly reasonable to expect a partner to acknowledge things that are important to you. To knowingly not do so is a passive/aggressive way to say screw you. Very selfish and childish. I’d venture a guess that someone that refuses to give to you in this small way has a long list of other failures of giving in the relationship.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

maree said:


> For his bday I usually put more thought into it, I go to the best bakeries and get his favorite, and I get a gift he wants. I even told my husband what I wanted and I didn't get any gift, just food he bought in a rush while buying a cake I asked for (but not the flavor, I thought he had some taste).


You married a real ass-hole. I ain't gonna sugarcoat it.

But why on earth are you jumping through hoops for an ass-hole who has the emotional maturity of a 17-year-old kid, playing video games every minute he can? And why are you jumping through hoops - year after year after year - for someone who has SHOWN you again and again how* little he gives a crap*? So his lazy ass made it to the cookie and candy aisle at the Piggly Wiggly and he spent 14 seconds picking up cookies and some candy for you. Gosh, all that superhuman effort he expended on you in the candy aisle is *ALMOST* as good as him slaying a dragon for you, isn't it? Lordy.

And you think you should be more grateful for this shmuck? You've* already* lowered your expectations in him considerably, I wouldn't advise lowering them even more - you're pretty much at basement level already.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I don’t think what he did with your birthday as being that big of a deal, but I have a feeling it’s just the tip of the iceberg if your that upset about it. 

It’s like when I flip out about my partner leaving his socks around. He’s like geez it’s just a sock your crazy. But it’s not just the sock, it’s a million things and the sock is just what I exploded on. I have a feeling that this birthday is your sock. 

My point is, don’t focus on the birthday. Focus on the real reason why your upset. And it’s like you said, he is low effort and doesn’t appreciate you. It sounds like he just isn’t doing enough, and he has taken you for granted. Address these issues.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> You're supporting a guy who plays video games all day and you're worried about a birthday present?
> 
> Seems to me that you're focused on the wrong issue.


LOL, yes, this is very true. 

Seems like it's time for the OP to have an agonizing re-appraisal of her marriage & what she wants from her husband. And then have a talk with her husband... and a plan for what her next move is if (when...?) he can't or won't meet her halfway.


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> Does your husband have a job?


Yes he works full time but makes significantly less than me in a field that isnt as demanding.


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> You're supporting a guy who plays video games all day and you're worried about a birthday present?


My husband does work, he has a full time job. He does play video games a lot in the evenings and on the weekends to where it has impacted our relationship before. But he doesn't play them all day. It is something I've dealt with in our past but its not an active issue. By breadwinner I meant that I make the most money, almost double what he makes. I contribute most the household between that and taking care of the kids over half the time I expected more. He has the money to do more than he did.


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

turnera said:


> When I first started dating my husband, my birthday came around. He did nothing; said he didn't believe in 'having to' celebrate on what society says are special days; he'd rather just shower me with gifts on random days (see how he gets the control?). So when his birthday rolled around, I ignored it. You'd have thought I shot his mother, he was so upset. I just shrugged and said "I'm just following your rules." He rarely forgot my birthday after that.


I am starting to think what bobert said above is true for my husband because I have skipped out previously during rocky periods in our marriage and he didn't care. There was one Christmas I didnt buy him anything. He never said a word or acted upset about it.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

maree said:


> I am starting to think what bobert said above is true for my husband because I have skipped out previously during rocky periods in our marriage and he didn't care. There was one Christmas I didnt buy him anything. He never said a word or acted upset about it.


Personally, I don't think the birthday itself is the issue... more like a symptom of it. Would you really be happy if you said "_I want XYZ for my birthday_" and he grudgingly handed them to you, and nothing else changed? Maybe you really want your H to spend more time and effort on you?

People, esp. people who play lots of video games, are not exactly great at time management. I think maybe in your case it would be better to request he spend some time with you. I don't know how much... 20 mins after dinner? Watch a TV show together? Do a puzzle? Whatever you want.


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

I confronted him about it last night because I couldn't hold in how I was feeling. Not much of a response from him other than he claims he didn't know what I wanted because I never told him. But I know I told him what I wanted because I remember telling him about it and where in our kitchen I was going to put it (a new mixer). I told him that and he said oh, so you do really want a new mixer? Like he was surprised. He has some excuse for everything or some way to get around everything. He tries to act clueless to get out of things. Like ite my responsibility to tell him to buy something on my birthday.


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

TomNebraska said:


> Personally, I don't think the birthday itself is the issue... more like a symptom of it. Would you really be happy if you said "_I want XYZ for my birthday_" and he grudgingly handed them to you, and nothing else changed? Maybe you really want your H to spend more time and effort on you?
> 
> People, esp. people who play lots of video games, are not exactly great at time management. I think maybe in your case it would be better to request he spend some time with you. I don't know how much... 20 mins after dinner? Watch a TV show together? Do a puzzle? Whatever you want.


I've done this, my husband does spend maybe an hour per night watching movies with me or even just talking about things. But this isn't enough for me. My husband complains and tells me I am too needy and want all of his time. I just want more quality time. I feel like I get his leftovers. I want him to do more homework with our kids and help more. I know that's an issue, I do feel like he's another person just living in the house who is sometimes a husband or dad but not always. He tells me thats not a fair assessment and he always has some examples on hand it makes me doubt my own feelings.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

maree said:


> I confronted him about it last night because I couldn't hold in how I was feeling. Not much of a response from him other than he claims he didn't know what I wanted because I never told him. But I know I told him what I wanted because I remember telling him about it and where in our kitchen I was going to put it (a new mixer). I told him that and he said oh, so you do really want a new mixer? Like he was surprised. He has some excuse for everything or some way to get around everything. He tries to act clueless to get out of things. Like ite my responsibility to tell him to buy something on my birthday.


It's not the most romantic thing ever, but he might need crystal clear direction. "For my birthday I want a present and a cake", "For V-Day I want flowers and a card". And if you want a specific cake or bakery, or a specific gift, tell him exactly what you want in no uncertain terms. It might sound *****y but honestly, some guys need and appreciate that. It may be a compromise you have to make.



maree said:


> I've done this, my husband does spend maybe an hour per night watching movies with me or even just talking about things. But this isn't enough for me. My husband complains and tells me I am too needy and want all of his time. I just want more quality time. I feel like I get his leftovers. I want him to do more homework with our kids and help more.


I'm guilty of doing the exact same thing. You should be spending more time together than that. It's hard to change it but it is possible. Do you think he would be open to marriage counseling or reading some books?


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

All I wanted to say was if you are over 30 and/or married, you shouldn't be playing video games. Sorry, but there comes a time when a guy needs to grow up and shift their focus to more important things, mainly their family.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Dadto2 said:


> All I wanted to say was if you are over 30 and/or married, you shouldn't be playing video games. Sorry, but there comes a time when a guy needs to grow up and shift their focus to more important things, mainly their family.


My opinion on that is everyone needs time to unwind. If someone does that with video games, cool, but it shouldn't come before other responsibilities or take up a huge chunk of the day.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Maybe read His Needs Her Needs, and then read parts of it out loud to him. That's the only way I could get my husband to understand what's expected of each of you, and what happens when that isn't done.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

maree said:


> I've done this, my husband does spend maybe an hour per night watching movies with me or even just talking about things. But this isn't enough for me. My husband complains and tells me I am too needy and want all of his time. I just want more quality time. I feel like I get his leftovers. I want him to do more homework with our kids and help more. I know that's an issue, I do feel like he's another person just living in the house who is sometimes a husband or dad but not always. He tells me thats not a fair assessment and he always has some examples on hand it makes me doubt my own feelings.


How much time is enough vs. How much time is reasonable?

I don't know... I've struggled with this in my own relationships. On one hand, I feel like even if you're in a relationship, you don't _stop _being an individual, and needing your own time and space. But on the other hand, you can't neglect your partner, and you can't stick them with more of the burden of living together.

I think both partners have a limited amount of time for themselves anyway, after work & housework is done. To a (large) extent, they should each get to spend this how they want, and should otherwise not be expected to "entertain" the other. 

Now if you're shouldering more of the work & housework burden, then that's an issue... in my marriage, I would help put the kids to bed every night after work, and also help out with dinner (either making it, or cleaning up after). After that, and 20-30 mins of "time with the wife" I felt I deserved time alone if I wanted. Maybe I wanted to watch a movie together, or TV, or do a puzzle... but maybe I didn't. And I didn't feel it was fair for my (now XW) to use "always/never" statements when she'd get upset to learn I didn't feel like spending time with her that night. 

I'm curious what others in happy/content marriages or relationships think...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

maree said:


> Yes he works full time but makes significantly less than me in a field that isnt as demanding.


Then you arent the breadwinner if you both work.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

maree said:


> than he claims he didn't know what I wanted because I never told him.


So, this is BS. If he wanted, he should have asked YOU for a list, and then he could pick from that list. If you had DISCUSSED NO GIFTS, that would be one thing.
The fact that you TOLD him means he wasn't listening, or it wasn't important enough to stick in his head.

It IS very possible that these things mean NOTHING to HIM, but YOU should mean something to him, which means he should consider what is important to YOU.


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

Dadto2 said:


> All I wanted to say was if you are over 30 and/or married, you shouldn't be playing video games. Sorry, but there comes a time when a guy needs to grow up and shift their focus to more important things, mainly their family.


My husband has anxiety issues and he says playing video games are comforting to him. I dont mind him doing this honestly, but it needs to be limited. My husband has an addiction to it but not as bad as others I have heard. He is able to function at work and he will step away for things he needs to do. But I dont feel like spending enough time with me, being thoughtful about my needs, etc are things he thinks he needs to do. We used to play video games together but I've lost interest in the types he plays. I did enjoy doing that together though.


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

bobert said:


> Do you think he would be open to marriage counseling or reading some books?


He might but I get the feeling he thinks this is a minor issue. That is something I will have to ask him about. He thinks we are a perfect happy couple.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

maree said:


> He might but I get the feeling he thinks this is a minor issue. That is something I will have to ask him about. He thinks we are a perfect happy couple.


So, if he thinks this is a minor issue then you need to make it crystal clear that it is NOT.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

maree said:


> I am starting to think what bobert said above is true for my husband because I have skipped out previously during rocky periods in our marriage and he didn't care. There was one Christmas I didnt buy him anything. He never said a word or acted upset about it.


So, you literally got nothing for him on Christmas and you're angry that his gifts for your birthday weren't enough for you? If my SO got me nothing for Christmas I would assume gift-giving was not a priority for her so I would make it less of a priority for me.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Enigma32 said:


> So, you literally got nothing for him on Christmas and you're angry that his gifts for your birthday weren't enough for you? If my SO got me nothing for Christmas I would assume gift-giving was not a priority for her so I would make it less of a priority for me.


Read what she wrote...

"There was *one* Christmas I didnt buy him anything."

It was *ONE* Christmas out of 15, and it was when their marriage wasn't doing so hot.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

He knew you wanted the mixer. He heard you the first time. He just didn't care. And I'm sorry about that. You communicated your wants perfectly fine. He sucked at celebrating your special day.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, was your husband this low-effort when you two were dating? Or did he manage to find the time while you two were dating to spend quality time with you, get you gifts, and generally make you feel important?

If he's always been this way, then I think you probably just married someone who wasn't quite right for you. Maybe you thought he'd come around eventually, or maybe you didn't realize his low effort would be this much of a problem for you in the long term. But either way, you knew what you were getting and should realize that this is who he is. 

If he _was _attentive and engaged when you were dating, then this is more in the nature of a bait-and-switch situation. He might have realized what it takes to get a woman and done those things, but given no thought to the need to sustain that effort for the long term in order to keep a woman. Or, he might be one of those people who view marriage as a task on the to-do list, rather than an ongoing relationship that must be nurtured and maintained. They think of getting married sort of like buying a new dishwasher. It should be a careful choice that is well researched, but then they expect it to just work properly with no further input or even any real thought. In any case, this is probably who he is. 

So, the real question is this: Does your marriage mean enough to him to change the way he thinks of it? Are you and your relationship worth both of you doing some work in order to save it? 

Ask yourself, and him, if you are worth it to each other. Tell him that your current marriage does not work for you and you'd really like to try to make it into one where you can both feel loved. If you both think you'd like to save your marriage, then I suggest starting with two books, both by Willard Harley, titled "Lovebusters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them and do the work they suggest. 

But, if he just isn't interested in changing your marital dynamic into one that creates and sustains love, then you'll need to decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life feeling.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

bobert said:


> Read what she wrote...
> 
> "There was *one* Christmas I didnt buy him anything."
> 
> It was *ONE* Christmas out of 15, and it was when their marriage wasn't doing so hot.


I did. I also read that her husband didn't say anything about her not getting him a gift. IMO, she set the tone for this sort of thing. It also seems to me like their marriage isn't doing so hot right now, so maybe he is off the hook for underwhelming her with his birthday effort for her?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Enigma32 said:


> I did. I also read that her husband didn't say anything about her not getting him a gift. IMO, she set the tone for this sort of thing. It also seems to me like their marriage isn't doing so hot right now, so maybe he is off the hook for underwhelming her with his birthday effort for her?


We don't even know which year she missed... If she "skipped" one Christmas years ago but has given him gifts at every one since, then how is that "setting the tone"? That one year wipes out all the years prior _and_ after? Come on.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

bobert said:


> We don't even know which year she missed... If she "skipped" one Christmas years ago but has given him gifts at every one since, then how is that "setting the tone"? That one year wipes out all the years prior _and_ after? Come on.


Yes. I was with an ex for 6 years and when I didn't get a present one year, it definitely changed my attitude about gift-giving. Just throwing it out there. Not saying this is what the hubby is thinking but it could be.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@maree your husband needs to realise that there is only room for one child of 7 in your home. And the situation isn't vacant.


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

Enigma32 said:


> So, you literally got nothing for him on Christmas and you're angry that his gifts for your birthday weren't enough for you? If my SO got me nothing for Christmas I would assume gift-giving was not a priority for her so I would make it less of a priority for me.


I got him nothing in 2011 while he was actively engaged in an emotional affair. I dont think partners who behave that way deserve gifts from their SO, do you? Perhaps he didn't mention it because he felt it wasn't appropriate for him to get a gift anyways, I'm not sure. He didn't even mention it.. But I know this isn't on me and isn't my fault. I buy him expensive gifts all the time for his birthday. If he's not buying me gifts bevause I didnt buy him something 9 years ago whilr he was being unfaithful to me, then he's a bigger jerk than I thought.


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