# question for the men...



## Heartbroken (Apr 12, 2008)

I have a question. When do men start to have impotence problems? My husband (38 yr. old) and I will be ready to go and by about 1 minute into the sex he starts to lose his erection. At first I thought: Is it me? Is he not attracted to me? Am I turning him off? But maybe it is medical??

Can any of you guys out there be brave enough to discuss this with me. He never had this problem before. We have had a rocky last two years --if you have read my past posts. 

It's going okay right now I guess. He works allot and I only see him a couple of hours a day. I'm a stay at home mom. Two weeks ago though, he come to me and said that customers at his work were hitting on him (twin 35 yr. olds). He said it made him feel uncomfortable. I told him to tell them that he's married and not to get the wrong idea. He also told me that he had dreams of being with a guy a few times. And he told me that he had been with two boys (one an older cousin and the other a friend) before when he was a kid. Two separtae incidences--not like a threesome. He said that they looked at eachother and felt eachother and had oral sex with eachother. DO you think this was just experimenting or should I be worried? He was 9 years old one time and about 12 years old the other time.

God I feel like I'm living a Jerry springer episode!! Sorry to throw all this stuff together. Lots of questions. But I would like to get a guys perspective. Thanks--Heartbroken


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## fatherof3 (Jan 13, 2009)

As far as the age issue with ED, i don't know if there is a magic age for it or if it just happens... It doesn't sound like ED to me but i am no dr, it sounds more psychological than impotence.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

My hubby has low Testosterone, and he still can get a normal erection, and keep that erection during sex. 

Your hormones have to be really messed up as a man, to lead to ED. That said, it's almost a normal part of male aging, there's nothing they can do about it sometimes. ED can be caused by high blood pressure, or prostate problems I've heard, and also andropause, or low testosterone. 

My hubby is only 44, so it's unlikely he's going through andropause, but, for whatever reason, he has low T levels.

But , one thing a lot of people don't know, is that emotional distress, can make a man lose an erection faster than you can say shrink.

My guess, because of his age, is that it might not be medical, as much as psychological.

I know i'm gonna take a hit for this one, LOL...

But, experimenting when you're very young, as your hubby did, with two boys, is not that unheard of. It's actually normal for boys, and girls, to experiment, either with the opposite sex, or the same sex. That does Not mean that every boy or girl, does experiment, just that it's not that uncommon.

However.... his dreams about having sex with men, currently, as an adult, might be him expressing a secret desire to explore that. Then again, it might just be nothing, and just a dream. We don't have any control over what we dream about. But the fact that he remembered it, and conveyed it to you, might mean he's truly thinking about it.

All you can do is ask him about it. I guess that's the only way you will get to the bottom of this. And, sounds like he needs some therapy maybe. Maybe he's trying to reach out to you, by telling you he's dreaming of men? I dont' now... but I would be you that the losing his erection during sex, is emotionally based, not medically.

Does it mean you two are doomed? No, of course not. but you need to get him to open up to you, and you probably need to get him into some counseling, and maybe some couples sex therapy too.

I hope this helps... 

update us if you can


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## Heartbroken (Apr 12, 2008)

Thanks for the reply. I plan on talking to him about it more.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

First look physical health? smoker? excercise? performance anxiety? if a guy tries too hard too soon to get hard it most likely won't happen. Is he masturbating? how frequently? gotta look at all of that.


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## phfan_1 (Mar 20, 2009)

There are any number of causes for ED as has bee pointed. I would see a doctor. There could be some serious underlying condition, hypertension, prostate problems, etc. There is no magic number.

The same sex thing.............it's pretty common for kids to experiment, doesn't really mean anything. As far as the dream thing, I often dream about being able to fly, but I've yet to jump off a cliff.


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## Heartbroken (Apr 12, 2008)

good point, phfan!. Thanks for the feedback. Martino, my husband is in great shape. He is 6'3" 215 lb. He excercises daily. He is a none smoker. Pretty much the picture of good health. I'm not too up on the whole man health thing. Just thought some men out there would have had some of the same symptoms. Thanks


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## Junebug (Dec 7, 2008)

Certain anti-depressents and other medications can have this effect. Has he started on anything new recently?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Get ready for overshare …
I’m 43 and have bph (benign prostatic hyperplasia). In layman’s terms that means I have a prostate the size of a grapefruit. Ok, that’s an exaggeration. 
I have issues with urinating, frequency, flow, etc.
I also have experienced difficulty achieving and maintaining a firm erection. I would openly acknowledge that my life has been particularly stressful over the last year or so, and sex was a primary issue. It is likely that psychology and stress are playing a role on the sexual side as well. According to my doctor given my age, overall health and fitness level, that the symptoms are unusual. As someone previously mentioned, medications can certainly have an impact. In my case, I take adderall for ADD. They suspect that this could be a contributing factor to the bph, which may in turn be affecting me sexually.

I had a long talk with a urologist about my condition. They stressed that 43 is young to have EDS issues, and there should be ways to work around it. They are pretty quick to jump at prescribing Viagra, emphasizing that if the issue is psychological, the blue pill can be an aid in working through it but also stressed counseling or therapy. Assumably , the pill is the path of least resistance. I didn’t want to add another medication, so I asked if there were other exercises (like Kegels) diet, or nutrition supplement options that could help. They gave the standard: avoid alcohol, smoking, bad food, etc. None of which are factors in my case already.
So, assuming that you and your husband have been experiencing intimacy issues, it becomes a snow ball effect. If you worry about performance, you will have difficulty with performance, which makes you worry more.

I hope for both of your benefit, that the issue resolves itself.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Heartbroken-

This is almost certainly a combination of performance anxiaty and stress. I had a similar problem at one time, but after discovering Semen Retention, I can perform like an 18 y/o - maybe better!

I wrote about my discovery here: Erectile Dysfunction See the section entitled "a third way" although the whole article might be educational for women wanting to understand the male body.

As for the man on man thing, I would not worry overly about that. It is very common for males to fantasize about other males at some point in their lives - but most will only confess it under torture 

It is also very common for men to have had at least one same sex experience by the time they reach 40 - in the UK it is over 30% if I recall correctly.


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