# Husband will never defend me from my in-laws



## Hope4Better (Aug 9, 2021)

I'm a doctor, working about 70h/wk, still in my 20s, yet my mother in law has a glass of wine waiting for me as a test to see if I'm pregnant every time I see her. She compares me to my SIL, because she got pregnant when my BIL was going through this stage of his medical career, even though she was a homemaker, not the one who was a physician. Everything is a test and I still am not enough despite being the primary breadwinner because I don't do all the chores around the house as well, thus not fulfilling the traditional role of woman/wife. The holidays are planned around my husband's schedule and his brothers' schedules, yet I have the least flexible schedule and am ridiculed if I can't make it, and the time I tried to be included in the adult gift exchange there was a total meltdown. I am supposed to be there and value their family, but only from the periphery, never to be an actual member. My MIL also never fails to mention that I'm "lucky" for having divorced parents because I get extra holiday celebrations, despite it being so messy that they wouldn't even pose for pictures together at our wedding. 

One of his brothers, who we see more often than anyone else in his family, told me that I'm inherently weaker as a human being because I am a woman, that my patients at work receive worse care because I am more emotional than a man, and, knowing that I've long struggled with depression and have a professional interest in this area as well, told me that medication and therapy are ******** and our society would be better off if people with suicidal thoughts just went ahead and died. During these interactions, my partner is present and either laughs, tries to change the subject, or pretends he's too drunk or wasn't paying attention, or doesn't know enough about the subject to have an opinion. He said he couldn't comment on whether I give worse medical care as a woman because he didn't know the literature evidence (fyi: evidence points towards no difference or _better_ outcomes when treated by a female physician) rather than just telling his brother that was an inappropriate thing to say. These are the most recent happenings, but things like this have been going on for years; it was like a flip switched and they started being their unfiltered selves after we got engaged. I mostly feel let down by my partner for doing nothing to stand up for me or protect me, and in fact being upset with me for "escalating" the situation if I try to stand up for myself by calmly offering my point of view. He wants me to sit there and take it with a smile, and it hurts that people who are supposed to be my family would even say those things, then more so that my husband wants me to be okay with it.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

You only get one life, this will get worse not better if you have kids.

This all sounds wholly inappropriate and also very unlikely to ever change. Wait until you are told that you are parenting poorly.

If your husband insists on continuing events with them like this, you might want to think about whether this is the future you want.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Honestly, why don’t you lose the dead weight that is your husband?

He doesn't sound like anyone who is a true partner to you, and your in laws suck.

I bet you would be happier single, and then eventually finding a different partner.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Honestly, why don’t you lose the dead weight that is your husband?


Hope, I'm going to second that question. Your husband is a coward when it comes to standing up to his family and is expecting you to be their whipping boy (ok, girl) to make his life stress free. At a minimum, I'd quit being around the bastards if I was in your shoes. If you have to be around them, stand up for yourself in no uncertain terms. Believe me, it will be more effective. His so called family knows he's a puzzy that can be pushed out his own back door so they ain't gonna pay any attention to him anyhow. Tell your he-man that he can be pissed if he wants about your "escalating" but you ain't taking any more of their shyt.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Wow. Just...wow. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this crap, @Hope4Better, no one should have to take this with a smile on their face. Your H's family sounds like my former in-laws, who were also terrible to deal with, and I got put down on a regular basis. I will say this: even if you DO get through to your H, and get him to understand how hurtful all of this is, it may get a little better, but the damage is already done.

How long have you been married? Is your H in med school at the moment? How long have you been in your profession? I'm wondering because if you do decide to leave him, you will need to be self-sufficient. I was also thinking about whether or not you will be on the hook for spousal support. 

Your H's family and your H as well sound like adult-sized bullies. I'm guessing that they're intimidated by you and a little jealous, and they feel the need to put you down to make themselves feel better. They really should know better, but people like this generally don't give 2 hoots about other people's feelings; they just care about themselves. Personally, if this were me, I would sit my H down and have a heart to heart about how this behaviour makes you feel, and I would tell him that it ends, NOW, with both him and his family. If they don't want to respect you as a person and a woman, then you and your H cut them out of your lives. If he's not up for that, I would be cutting HIM out of my life.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

So you've struggled w/ depression and your BIL uses this as a club to beat you down and you're supposed to take it w/ a smile. Tell your H how his family treats you is unacceptable. Don't go into a lot of detail, and don't argue. It is unacceptable. If he swings into action, you've got something, follow up w/ couple's counselling so the two of you can put a stop to this.

In the more likely event of the status quo, divorce him. This may sound radical, but being in a hostile situation w/ no allies and depression sounds dangerous as hell to me.

And, until you are sure you are on solid ground DO NOT get pregnant.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

He wants you to sit there and take it with a smile; not be confrontational.

You want him to demonstrate respect towards you through standing up for you.

No doubt that dynamic is so ingrained for him that he's stuck in the mold of it. Unfortunately, he's not hip to the notion that not only is his wife being disrespected by his family, but by close association, he is being disrespected too. If you envision sticking around, my suggestion is to lay it out plain and simple to your husband that you won't put yourself in the situation whereby you are disrespected by them anymore, and that you need him to start paying closer attention to that and have your back. Don't expect him to, though. Unless he removes the FOO (family of origin) goggles, he's not going to perceive it the same way. What you can do for yourself, is stop attending. If there's a scenario whereby it's unavoidable and they start in on you, I'd suggest simply saying, 'Okay, I'm not down with this so I'm leaving.' Don't take the bait of debating or justifying or defending yourself. Simply calmly state that you're out. And leave. Husband can deal with it however he needs to. In all honesty though, it's not a great sign for your future if your husband doesn't respect what you're telling him, and keeps himself ingrained in his default frame-of-reference.

My take is that when one 'stands up' to family members (meaning your husband) in the sense of breaking the mold, ya gotta be prepared that ties may well be severed.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

From personal experience, I have a good relationship with my brother, however, that got rocky for a time. And it was - seemingly - related to the dynamic between him and Batman. I write 'seemingly' as at the heart of it, was the dynamic between myself and my family. I can't even remember what happened, but Batman stated that my bro was no longer welcome to visit as he wouldn't be disrespected in his own home again. Although it wasn't quite like your scenario, looking back, there are things that I could have done differently before it got to that escalation point, including how I handled the dynamic with my bro. Batman drew a significant line in the sand. However, I saw it and understood it. Again in hindsight, the way that I communicated to my brother that he wasn't welcome, well could have been done a lot differently. The hurt equated to escalation between my bro and I. The whole thing was a bit of a mess. I also started seeing the dynamic between my bro and I differently, then adjusting the way I interacted with my family, and prepared to let the cards just fall. How that played out was a massive blow out between my brother and I. Confrontational in a way that I have never really been before. It's something that I now recognize was part of my personal growth. We then had months without contact. Along the way, Batman did console me that my bro and I would likely come good again. He was correct. I can't remember how our relationship slowly started to mend, but it did. Perhaps not in the way that it used to be, but for the way that it needed to be. With time, the dynamic between my bro and Batman also adjusted. A few years later, when my bro asked if he could stay with us when visiting, we were both fine with it. I was excited about his visit. Bro and I were having a grand time drinking wine together, laughing, listening to music, being goofy. It was great. Batman enjoyed the evening too, yet also left us to it after a while. I remember that my brother turned to me and said, 'Batman's cool ya know. He's a really cool guy.' ......and that expression was about respect. That shift from where we had all been a few years prior was significant.

Anyway, it ain't easy some of this stuff. Good luck!


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Oh dear, you bad, educated smart and responsible doctor-girl. You make mummy’s boys look bad 😉 

You forgot your place. Mummy didn’t want better for her son, I think she wanted an adulteress or drug-addict for her boys, someone who maybe could make her boys stay close to home and in a never-ending pool of drama 😉

Don’t fight too hard on this one. You won’t win and you’ll feel smaller and smaller. It’s ok to lose sometimes. But not ok to hide your light and do what you need to do to stay sane in this insane set-up.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

not easy to take yourself away from this family setting so you need to find a way to live your life while still in it 

I WOULD love to play with that MIL feed her all types of crap like my wife once said to a dentist we been Irish have the name of liking drink , so when the dentist said to my wife that you Irish LIKE you beer my wife told her that she finds whiskey is good for pain in her teeth , 
my wife used to enjoy the way the dentist thought my wife was using bottles of whiskey instead of asking for pain killers 

give the MIL the idea you like your drink and she will not be testing you again 
like once i was told by a boss that you can stop for coffee brake and again made the remake of drinking Irish and said sorry we can't offer you an Irish coffee so I told her ' I like my Irish coffee without the coffee ' 

you husband is a mammies boy 
and he wants you to fit into a family life that is not easy to fit into 
you have come from a different family 
there will be conflict between you and the SIL 
best not to even think about it play your own life and forget what others think of you it is none of you affair what others think of you and if that are sticking their nose into your life don't be afraid to tell them it is none of their affair


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Honestly…if someone told me I can’t give good care because I’m a woman I honestly couldn’t possibly care less what he thought of me. Same with MIL. I’m just the type that I would refuse that glass of wine for a few visits just to spite her. LOL

I say live your life and do not give their opinions of you a second thought. That’s what worked for me…I was a fish out of water with my in-laws and they let me know it every time we got together. Didn’t respect my career at all…but when they needed help or had medical questions, I’m who they bothered. And then didn’t believe me anyway. LOL


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I was in this type family life , my wife was like you , 
we moved away for other reasons had nothing to do with wanting to get away from family 
but looking back the new start away was super good not having any family around to give their unwanted advice 
and the one they thought was a saint 
they now know was far from what they acted 
but we are so far away from it all it is just like looking at a silly tv show where you can see it coming


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

In my experience mother in laws never really respect their daughter/son-in-laws- thought this was par for the course. I’m consoled somewhat by your story... even hotshot doctors/mothers get dissed 😂.

Brother relationships should also be taken with a grain of salt. My brother and I diss on each other constantly and it means nothing however I LOVE it when my wife puts my bro in his place. She’d probably point out the many weaknesses of men if dissed for being a woman.

Maybe when hubby makes a romantic gesture later you could just say “sorry I’m not really in the mood to be intimate with someone who won’t defend me”. Surely that would get him into the game!


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I’d add that a little distance (60 to 150 miles) from extended family can sometimes improve your relationship dramatically!


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

error, sorry!


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