# Goals...unreasonable?



## voryn (Jun 13, 2011)

As I posted before, my W has BPD and we've been married now for almost 7 years, we have a 5yr old daughter together. My W cheated on me last October in a relationship she started online with a stranger. To my knowledge no physical contact was made but I had to discover the extent of the relationship on my own. even when confronted she lied about it.

I think I've decided to make a deadline for my W. I have a list of things that need to improve. I have a list of goals that are basic, simple house hold tasks that I believe any stay-at-home W would perform on a normal basis.

In 5 Months I would like to see these challenges met:
1.) Have the house clean - not spotless but at least dusted and picked up.

2.) Be able to keep the dishes washed on a daily basis without complaining about it.(she creates about 75% of the dirty dishes in our house any given day)

3.) Have supper at least prepping or cooking when i get home, no less than 3 days a week . 

4.) Manage our daughter at least 4 days in a row. without an outburst or break down. Normally she lets her grandmother (80 years old) keep her. for instance this week she's been at her grandmothers since Monday!

If she can't do these things or simply refuses then after 5 months I will ask for a seperation at least a month long so I can figure things out and maybe she can get her life together.

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I don't want to be too heavy handed, do these goals seem unreasonable? If they seem unreasonable, please tell me why so I can understand.

Also, Should I tell her that I'm making this list of goals or should I keep it silent and allow her the chance to make the changes on her own?

My only concern about telling her about the list is given her Borderline Personality Disorder she might just focus on doing what she has to, to make me happy. Not really learning anything and not changing at all and when the 5 months are up she'll just revert back to what she was before.
she's supposed to be actively trying to do better. Handle more responsibility and manage her stress levels. her last outburst that resulted in a terrible argument between us was at the end of May.

Since that fight she's been trying to be more active here are some things she's managed to do on her own and to improve on: 

Going to the grocery store and shopping sensibly.

Getting our daughter to and from her gymnastics classes and various other activities.

Going to the gym and working out daily (one of her own goals).


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

While I don't think your goals are unreasonable at all, there's a larger issue here. She's BiPolar and apparently not stable. Any mom capable of taking care of her 5 year old should and not send her to grandmas. So whether she's doing the dishes or making dinner isn't the point.

Your wife needs help. Professional help. That's my view. Let the dr. give her goals that will help her have a normal life. Your goals will have to take a back seat to her getting herself back on track.


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## voryn (Jun 13, 2011)

ebp123 said:


> While I don't think your goals are unreasonable at all, there's a larger issue here. She's BiPolar and apparently not stable. Any mom capable of taking care of her 5 year old should and not send her to grandmas. So whether she's doing the dishes or making dinner isn't the point.
> 
> Your wife needs help. Professional help. That's my view. Let the dr. give her goals that will help her have a normal life. Your goals will have to take a back seat to her getting herself back on track.


Yeah, that was year 3 of our marriage. She and I both realized she had issues and so she agreed to go to counseling and see a professional. The Dr diagnosed her Borderline Personality Disorder and changed her meds up and advised her to continue IC. She did one of those things even though I kept trying and have kept trying to get her to go back to a Counselor to talk her problems down. She seems to think her meds are doing the job. And they do ... half the time. the other half is littered with her melt downs and subsequent verbal abuse on me and our daughter.

So trust me when I say that my goals, dreams, hopes, and desires have taken the back seat many many times already. I'm about done sitting in the back. I'd like to drive my own life again. I'm just too chicken to go through with it..im too affraid of what will happen to my W and my Daughter. I full well expect WWIII when I do the deed. So I'm trying to prepare myself mentally for what will come. 

She had two more outbursts one last night on fathers day and one this morning, that's probably why I'm being soo negative. So if im counting right she had two and a half good weeks and now it's back to bad in a blink of an eye. awesome.


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