# Dating while sepparated....



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

I recently read a post by someone I usually respect who says "If a person is separated they have every right to date"....WHAT ?....Since when does a separation trump marriage vows?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Never, unless you are a cheater


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Because if you're separated you don't know if you want to BE with your spouse is my guess. 

So they feel they have a right to "test the waters"

My husband and I are currently living together but aren't "together".

I'll be moving out in the next few months sometime.

We've agreed not to date anyone for a year. Right now he's at no chance of reconciliation, I'm at 25%. 

Every day that goes by I get closer to not wanting it. But I'm still going to stand by my word that I won't date anyone. In that time I need to find myself and he does too.

It's looking pretty likely we WONT be together after that year. But I do still think dating others muddies the water and just gives more chance for hurt feelings and insecurities if R does happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

I dated while separated. In fact, I started dating within 3 weeks of obtaining a legal separation.

My ex actively fought my request for a divorce so wouldn't show up for appearances...kept making excuses not to show up or postpone. So it took me over 7 months to obtain a separation and I waited to date during that time.

I gave him notice that I'd be seeking a divorce 10 months prior to filing to give him plenty of time to prepare...since its what I was also doing and wanted to be fair.

It also took me over 6.5 years to get divorced...all during which I was legally separated and wanting to get re-married. Since my ex knew that, he delayed the divorce by every tactic possible. There was no way my ex was going to keep me from meeting a new partner for over 6 years.

Within 3 months of my final divorce, I was remarried.

Based on what state you're in, you should always get legal advice for dating during separation...especially with any financial split issues but otherwise, there is absolutely nothing wrong with dating while legally separated should someone choose to do so...especially given the amount of time it can take to get divorced.

Suggesting that I'm a cheater because I dated while separated is not only nonsense but not legally valid.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> I recently read a post by someone I usually respect who says "If a person is separated they have every right to date"....WHAT ?....Since when does a separation trump marriage vows?


It depends. If you've separated with the intention of working on yourselves and the marriage and getting back together, then you don't date.

If the separation is a step towards divorce with no intention of reconciling, it does trump marriage vows, IMO. You're moving on, so the marriage is just a technicality that will soon be over. Vows have already been broken, so hold no more relevance.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> It depends. If you've separated with the intention of working on yourselves and the marriage and getting back together, then you don't date.
> 
> If the separation is a step towards divorce with no intention of reconciling, it does trump marriage vows, IMO. You're moving on, so the marriage is just a technicality that will soon be over. Vows have already been broken, so hold no more relevance.


Agreed...intent of separation is important. I respect the law and waited for legal separation but the reality was that I certainly didn't need a court document to know that I was done being married to my ex and it was only a necessary formality. I wasted 21 years with him and wasn't about to waste any more time.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

If you are separated pending divorce and no chance of getting back together is one thing. And even then I wouldn't do it. I respect my vows even if she didn't do it. If in limbo, take the high ground because if you get back together and the question comes up, then another DDay will arise.

I am against separation. It delays your solutions to the problem and adds a bunch of junk in there. Separation is meant to work on problems not add to them.

As long as she carries my name to her and there's a chance to reconcile, I say no way. Don't date anyone. Otherwise, what does marriage mean ???


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

You're against separation even if your marriage is over? I'm very confused by this statement. In my state you must live apart for a full year before you can file for divorce. There is no chance of reconciliation. Why wait to date if you feel emotionally ready?


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> I am against separation. It delays your solutions to the problem and adds a bunch of junk in there. Separation is meant to work on problems not add to them.


My separation was for one thing only...to resolve the issues related to divorce action...namely dissolution of marital property and a child custody determination. It had zero to do with working out marital issues and that's true of many separations.

For many people, separations have nothing to do with figuring out whether or not you're staying married. For me, that was done years before I filed for divorce.

I would agree....if you're separated because you're confused about getting divorced and are doing things like going to counselling...then you should finish your marital issues prior to moving on. But that doesn't apply to everyone. 

Once I filed for legal separation, I never verbally spoke to my ex-husband again....everything went through lawyers. I never gave him any reason to think that I wanted anything other than a divorce as quickly as I could obtain one.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Woodchuck said:


> I recently read a post by someone I usually respect who says "If a person is separated they have every right to date"....WHAT ?....Since when does a separation trump marriage vows?


I guess it depends on why you are separated. If you are separating to consider your marriage, or on a trial basis where reconciliation is at all possible, then it's cheating and i agree with you woodchuck.

But I'm sure i can think of several reasons to be separated where one would feel moving on to be appropriate. In several states separation is mandated for a period of time before a divorce will be granted. There is a poster here, he has a long thread in the private section. His wife left, cheated, no chance of reconciliation. She ended up attacking him, went to jail. He had custody of the kids. And he went on several dates in the year VA requires you to be separated before they will allow you to legally divorce.

My sister in law cannot get my brother to sign divorce papers. Why? i have no idea. She is waiting the two years mandatory in PA to file uncontested. They haven't lived together since 2013, and she has made no secret of the fact that she is not taking him back. If she wants to date, i don't have a problem with it.

In a situation like that, you are waiting on the government. I'm not sure that govt bureaucracy should determine someone's dating habits.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> You're against separation even if your marriage is over? I'm very confused by this statement. In my state you must live apart for a full year before you can file for divorce. There is no chance of reconciliation. Why wait to date if you feel emotionally ready?


There's no reason if you're not reconciling which is probably the implication of the post the OP originally read.

I have heard of instances where you have to be carefully about financially expenditures though. People should check with their lawyer on those things. I had a couple things I had to do during separation before I bought a new house.


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## tpdallas (Aug 28, 2015)

wmn1 said:


> If you are separated pending divorce and no chance of getting back together is one thing. And even then I wouldn't do it. I respect my vows even if she didn't do it. If in limbo, take the high ground because if you get back together and the question comes up, then another DDay will arise.
> 
> I am against separation. It delays your solutions to the problem and adds a bunch of junk in there. Separation is meant to work on problems not add to them.
> 
> As long as she carries my name to her and there's a chance to reconcile, I say no way. Don't date anyone. Otherwise, what does marriage mean ???


Haven't you already broken your vows if you are separated or filed for divorce?

Just because you are waiting on actual papers is a technicality to me.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> I recently read a post by someone I usually respect who says "If a person is separated they have every right to date"....WHAT ?....Since when does a separation trump marriage vows?


For most people marriage vows are no different than the flowers in the church. You have them but they don't mean much.

How many people know what was said as a vow?

People break their word all the time.

When one is living as a married couple -or as committed singe people- however, one does not cheat!


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> I am against separation. It delays your solutions to the problem and adds a bunch of junk in there. Separation is meant to work on problems not add to them.


I think what a lot of people don't realize is that separation is a legal requirement in a lot of places. If I could have gone straight to a divorce, I would have...so would a lot of people.

A lot of states require you to go through a period of legal separation before divorce....not due to reconciliation but due to resolving litigation issues only. That's why is fine to date during that...separation often has nothing to do with working out marital issues.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Agreed. It's a year where I am, even if both parties agree to divorce the next day, they cannot.

Sixty-eight is correct; the government should not dictate people's lives in this way.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

EnigmaGirl said:


> > I am against separation. It delays your solutions to the problem and adds a bunch of junk in there. Separation is meant to work on problems not add to them.
> 
> 
> I think what a lot of people don't realize is that separation is a legal requirement in a lot of places. If I could have gone straight to a divorce, I would have...so would a lot of people.
> ...



Do you file an "Intent to divorce" and then have to wait 1 yr for court or are the courts just taking your word you have been separated?

I believe once you have filed and spouse has been served with documents you are divorced biblically. If you are just separated you commit adultry if you are with another.

Same with marriage, in bible the man said will you and she said I do, then he went in to her and consummated the marriage. 

Biblically the big ceremony and court documents do no begin the marriage. It happened when the couple asked, responded and consated.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

In Florida, separation is not required to divorce. 

My ex and I were separated in May, we filed the first of July, divorce was final end of July. All because he wanted it that way. He had already cheated and wanted to be with the OW. A week after he moved out, she flew down from where she was, and they had a Fvck-a-Thon for five days.

His lawyer advised him against doing that, not because that, in and of itself was illegal, but because it just looked bad, and technically, I could sue him for half of any money he spent on her while we were still married. Really, the lawyer was more concerned I'd flip out and drag out the divorce just to spite him, which kind of sounds like what EnigmaGirl's ex did, if I'm not misunderstanding.

His lawyer didn't know me that well. I may b!tch about him relentlessly here, but I'm not the kind of person to fvck with someone's life just to spite them, and I did not want to add any more drama to an already drama-filled situation, for my son's sake, mostly.

All this aside, if you've just separated, I think it's a bit tacky to start dating random people within a few weeks. I have a friend who left her verbally abusive, a-hole husband, who'd been unhappy in that marriage for years. She's a beautiful woman - men fall all over themselves to talk to her everywhere she goes. And she waited about a year. She just thought it would be wrong to date before the divorce was final when she's the one who left. People will judge you, and think maybe your shiny "new" BF or GF isn't all that new. She cared about what people thought of her, so she waited. Now she's seeing a guy who expressed interest in dating her a year ago when she wasn't divorced yet, and is very happy - he thought she was worth waiting for, apparently.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I had to wait for my divorce to be final to marry my current wife.

That didn't stop us from living together, though.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I dated after being separated. Of course my ex wife was dating before we were separated...


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

2asdf2 said:


> For most people marriage vows are no different than the flowers in the church. You have them but they don't mean much.
> 
> How many people know what was said as a vow?
> 
> ...



Yeah there is NOTHING wrong with dating while separated if you are no longer in a committed relationship for WHATEVER reason. 

If you understand the dynamics of the relationship, and one of the parties communicated they want out-- the divorce is a mere formality. I think it is only fair to communicate the relationship is ended, but beyond that, no explanation or regret necessary. 

Your beliefs may be different, but in this case, why judge?


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Lookit, this is the way I did it. After my wife admitted her affair, I threw her out of the family home, told her we were finished, and proceeded from that point. I had zero communication with her, except through our lawyers and when supervised (sorting out our personal belongings, what each of us wanted to keep from shared belongings, and the like) by both lawyers, and divorced her in the shortest time allowable in my state. 
I considered that since she cheated, that action nullified our wedding vows, so she was no longer a part of my family. Therefore, I did not feel that I need to remain celibate, in order to remain faithful to a stranger.


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