# WW's poor behavior results in huge confident boost???



## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm curious if anyone else out there has been to hell and back, but with a rather unique outcome.

Got married very young (in today's standards), and didn't not sow many oats. Was a very late bloomer which added to my lack of confidence/finding myself. Wife was much more experienced than me, and had many more relationships.

Wife is/was selfish and got the affair lifestyle rolling at a young age. She said yes even through she was involved with someone else at the time, and even though I never trusted her, I think I proposed to her in fear of finding someone else and not really knowing myself that well.

So I met my breaking point last year, and had a rapid metamorphosis. Pretty much all of her previous gas lighting tricks were useless, and with exposure and an attitude change she realized how badly she had fvcked things up.

Now here's the thing...without a conscious change in my personality, I'm now noticing (and maybe this is part of it, never opening my eyes) that girls are interested everywhere I go. We're talking my daughter's sport coaches, girls at work, girls out at bars. You know when it's playful flirting and when it's a girl being very clear on what she wants to do with you. Some of these girls are quite clear. I had a good buddy actually slap me in the face and say "dude wake up and look in the mirror, of course they are interested".

So here I am, finally figuring myself out, but unable to really live this new life given the decisions I have made to work on the marriage and keep the family unit in tact for the sake of the kids, among other things.

Has anyone else come out on the other side as a much better, more confident person? It's actually become an issue for my wife, and in therapy last week she told our MC that her own friends are frustrating her on comments about how good I look as of late. 

Back to that sowing your oats thing...if you never did and now have people soliciting you...it is difficult to resist. Holy smokes.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

This is really kewl, and I'm happy for you. Late bloomer or not though, you have to control yourself and live up to your commitment. However, do not, under any circumstances, allow your wife to make you her doormat.

The best part though is if others have noticed the change in you, your wife has, too. Do some research and find the MAP by Athol Kay. She may not be quite accustomed to the new you and is probably somewhat unnerved by it if you don't work it well in your own favor. Make yourself irresistible to her in such a way that she respects you with much higher regard than before.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

lovestruckout said:


> I'm curious if anyone else out there has been to hell and back, but with a rather unique outcome.
> 
> Got married very young (in today's standards), and didn't not sow many oats. Was a very late bloomer which added to my lack of confidence/finding myself. Wife was much more experienced than me, and had many more relationships.
> 
> ...


Why did you decide to work on your marriage? I don't mean jsut for the kids, but why did you want to stay married to your wife? Was it because you truly loved her and she loves you and is remorseful? Is it because you thought you could not do better? Is it only for the kids? How long ago did you make the decision to stay?

It sounds like you are having second thoughts. Nothing wrong with that, just make sure that you think it through and act in an honorable fashion.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Why did you decide to work on your marriage? I don't mean jsut for the kids, but why did you want to stay married to your wife? Was it because you truly loved her and she loves you and is remorseful? Is it because you thought you could not do better? Is it only for the kids? How long ago did you make the decision to stay?
> 
> It sounds like you are having second thoughts. Nothing wrong with that, just make sure that you think it through and act in an honorable fashion.


Well, I did separate and even spent time with another lady, which was fun. However, the reality was that I wasn't going to be able to live this freebird lifestyle as a newly single bachelor. I'm a devoted father, and for a few other reasons related to this, I would not be able to enjoy myself when in the back of my head, the fun I was having was taking the place of time I would be spending with my kids.

Some seem to be more capable than others in this regard, but really the thought of some other guy being involved with my kids and their upbringing totally makes me sick to my stomach.

Yup, trying to work it out for the kids. I'll admit it. But the alternative, at least for me, wouldn't work any better. 

Later in life though, who knows...


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

lovestruckout said:


> Well, I did separate and even spent time with another lady, which was fun. However, the reality was that I wasn't going to be able to live this freebird lifestyle as a newly single bachelor. I'm a devoted father, and for a few other reasons related to this, I would not be able to enjoy myself when in the back of my head, the fun I was having was taking the place of time I would be spending with my kids.
> 
> Some seem to be more capable than others in this regard, but really the thought of some other guy being involved with my kids and their upbringing totally makes me sick to my stomach.
> 
> ...


How is your relationship with your wife? What do you want from it? Was and is she remorseful and working to fix your relationship? Have you or can you forgive her? Do you want to work with her?

I ask because you say you are staying for the kids. Remember that your kids learn from you not just based on what you say, but also on what you do. They will learn about marriage and love based on your relationship with your wife. They will learn about how husbands and wives interact and what to expect in a marriage. They will also learn how one should act when they have been betrayed and how to hold themselves with dignity and respect (or not).

Think about that relationship and consider what you are teaching your kids through your actions. Because kids are smart and they pick up on this stuff.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> How is your relationship with your wife? What do you want from it? Was and is she remorseful and working to fix your relationship? Have you or can you forgive her? Do you want to work with her?
> 
> I ask because you say you are staying for the kids. Remember that your kids learn from you not just based on what you say, but also on what you do. They will learn about marriage and love based on your relationship with your wife. They will learn about how husbands and wives interact and what to expect in a marriage. They will also learn how one should act when they have been betrayed and how to hold themselves with dignity and respect (or not).
> 
> Think about that relationship and consider what you are teaching your kids through your actions. Because kids are smart and they pick up on this stuff.


Relationship is fine...really better than most. We work as a couple as we're friends in addition to spouses. I am not a spiteful person, and any behavior the kids witness would be considered positive behavior. No yelling, no insults.

I think I'm in a situation like others have been in where they are strong enough to conduct life as if it was business as usual, even if it is at the expense of the fantasy life you think you MAY have should you go out on your own...but that life, again, for me at least, would be heavily weighed upon by the impact it would have on the kids.

She demonstrated remorse possibly, but it may have been more shame in being discovered over true remorse. I can accept her, but I don't know if I can forgive her...we are talking years of bad behavior and risking my health - can that really be forgiven?

So the real question is can I learn to not resent her? And I think that is only something time will tell.


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Congratulations. You seem to have discovered the attitude change towards being more of an alpha male and are now naturally attractive for the women around you including your wife.

Having this attitude is one of the essential long term relationship skills please keep that in mind and hold on to it. It also comes with the fact that other women will naturally be more attracted to you. If you wish to control this I would suggest you set and tell them the boundaries in interactions and most women will respect that.

"I am honored you find me attractive and would otherwise be interested but I am sure you understand that it is important for us to be mature about this and respect boundaries."

Below are a few thoughts on attraction and the notion of alpha male you may find useful.

*Attraction: *

- while each woman is different there are certain characteristics in men that women across the species find attractive
- attraction is not a choice. That is generally a woman cannot choose who she is attracted to neither the intensity of the feeling
- women usually experience attraction when exposed to a suite of behaviors in her partner or potential partner such as: confidence, leader of men, decisiveness, social mastery etc... Conversely they loose attraction when exposed to opposite behavior.

*Alpha male: *
-	confidence, leadership, decisiveness
-	control your reality, social mastery
-	have a still center, nothing phases you
-	tone of voice and body language 
-	unashamed, relaxed


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

lovestruckout said:


> Relationship is fine...really better than most. We work as a couple as we're friends in addition to spouses. I am not a spiteful person, and any behavior the kids witness would be considered positive behavior. No yelling, no insults.
> 
> I think I'm in a situation like others have been in where they are strong enough to conduct life as if it was business as usual, even if it is at the expense of the fantasy life you think you MAY have should you go out on your own...but that life, again, for me at least, would be heavily weighed upon by the impact it would have on the kids.
> 
> ...


I almost guarantee that your wife knows you have not forgiven her, and that it also shows through to your kids. They may not know why, but they are certain something is different.

Get over to the Coping with Infidelity forum to get some ideas on how to tell when there is true remorse and how to deal with this issue. Also, get counseling, both individual and marriage. You need to figure out what you want, and learn the tools to get you there.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I almost guarantee that your wife knows you have not forgiven her, and that it also shows through to your kids. They may not know why, but they are certain something is different.
> 
> Get over to the Coping with Infidelity forum to get some ideas on how to tell when there is true remorse and how to deal with this issue. Also, get counseling, both individual and marriage. You need to figure out what you want, and learn the tools to get you there.


Oh yes...I spent many months in that forum, and have been in both IC and MC for many months as well. Have come a long way. Have determined with my IC that my wife needs an extremely tight leash and is not capable of having a platonic relationship with any males. She would send many men running (or perhaps to prison if you get my drift).

I don't treat women like sh!t, never have. But my wife apparently couldn't handle the pedestal I put her on, which some women always wish to experience. Since my WW takes everything for granted, that all has gone away, and now she gets no special treatment. And honestly, it seems to keep her much more interested, invested, and focused on the relationship. This was a woman with extreme self-centered issues where the world only revolved around her and she did whatever she wanted to make sure she was pleased.

By me altering my attitude to having an average interest in the relationship, she acts...like a normal wife should.

I know this sounds peculiar, but it is what it is.


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