# Just sex, no connection/emotion not liking feeling..



## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Last night was one of the worst and I feel horrible! It's been a few months and H just got back after being gone a week feeling frisky and like as if being gone giving me '4 days of space' was sufficient in that all should be back to normal. Wont' get into my novel.

For last few nights he's been wanting sex so badly. Constantly groping me, rubbing me, making comments to me. Even said he had to get up early out of bed one morning due to his 'morning chub' he wanted to jump my bones.

We have had many issues and bottom line is I truly have out grown him not to mention other issues at hand that emotionally involve our DD. 

Well, last night she had her first sleep over at friends which left us alone in house.  I just knew he was not going to let up with her gone. Watched a movie, played the wii for bit then since I have to work, I said I was going to bed. Normally he stays out in living room in what we call his 'man bed'. The reclyner. 

Well....he follows. I'm a side sleeper so he curls right up behind me. Rubbing my butt, back...then sliding around to front trying to get to the boobs. I keep turning, moving around. He knows I'm not into it. We have had numerous conversation that we no longer make love, the passion, desire, spark in me is gone. He sees it, knows it.

So.....it's non stop and I'm fed up so instead of saying stop...get out, I look at clock and think, okay....you can do this just do it, get yourself off and he will leave you alone. That's exactly what happend. He was so into it, emotionally....and I was not even close. Could he not really tell? And I guess since we are married that's okay, but....I'm just not and never have been a wham bam thank you ma' am or permisucous or just with anyone, not even H, to just get off and have just sex! Even in earlier years when exploring, playing around, there was still a connection/desire, passion of the playfullness.

I've been told many times I value sex too much. And, I guess I do. Right or wrong. For me sex needs to be intimate, sacred, passionate, desirable of the other person, that strong emotional connection. With all of that, yes it can be playful and maybe just down right having a good f**k once in while but even with that....I have or need to know all those other things are truly there within the person and myself. Make any sense? Am I just that neive and stupid to think that way?

I guess I feel stupid and dumbfounded over the whole thing. As I'm getting ready for work this morning, he wakes up comes in all giddy like we just rocked the house for the first time and hugs me tells me he loves me and all. We don't kiss. We peck. We don't make eye contact kissing or during sex. We haven't kissed a good passionate kiss for over a year. Last night was about a 15-20 minute thing...no foreplay, just get it in and out, cleaned up then I curl back up to sleep. All the while thinking...what the hell did I just do.

For anyone who is going through divorce, seperation but maybe still in same house.....do you still have sex with stbxes??? Ya, it's safe obviously but why, when it's still my husband, do I feel guilty and upset over it? I know partly because those types of actions he views as 'we are back on track'. If I didn't or woudn't have, if I would have just said to him "stop...I have no desire for this with you' I feared what the evening would have turned into. I can't take those moments anymore. They are emotionally exhausting to me. So...I give in, take route I feel is easier. I've lived this way for so long, I feel like a child who has yet to learn how to make the right decisions. 

Kinda feel even dirty....like I just had a one night stand. Embarrassed maybe? Is it because those first steps have not yet been taking in seperating? 

Sorry to rant....I just never thought one could have these feelings with a spouse. It also makes me feel his connection isn't what he thinks or he would have felt and seen it was not the way it should have been. Yet, obviously for him....that's okay as he needed it that bad I guess. So ashamed...very sad.


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## Rajesh (Dec 30, 2010)

What is the cause for you becoming so emotionally strained?? are you no longer in love?? if that is the case then it is better to go for a divorce rather than destroying two lives along with you.:smthumbup:


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Are you & he in the process of getting a divorce? For some of us, Just cause we have relationship hang ups & issues still going one, particularly men, it does NOT drown their sexual desire. 

He probably felt you was not into it and it probably bothered him as well but keeps it to himself. For some marraiges, this is a blessing, for others a disaster. Some men literally NEED to feel something from their wives from sex, or eventually they run somewhere else for it -in time. And some men can feel rejected almost every time -so long as they are still having sex with their wives!! 

A friend of mine has zero desire, she shows nothing during sex, I even told her to her face, I feel bad for her husaband. BUt you know what, he still loves her, and pushes through. Once he cried when she said No, but he has accepted the fact his wife doesn't feel anything, she just wants it overwith, the quicker the better. So he carries on , does his thing and the marriage remains. I dont understand it, that would kill me personally, but some can live this way. I guess. 

Are you sure you want the other type of man?

If you are leaving him anyway, why would you be open to having sex with him at all - Say NO ! But IF you are trying to work it out. Just understand he still HAS sexual desire.


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

From what you said, i can't understand much about what is your situation...you are all over the place.....what I can tell though is that you need to talk about how you feel...let it all out but keep in mind that if he doesn't do the same, nothing will change...both of you need to make peace with the fact that marriage needs daily work, and both have to invest in it....the less you have sex with your H the more resentment he'll develop towards you...it is not good....you have to communicate and in the process get closer to your husband, otherwise, time, resentment and distance will end the relationship...good luck!


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

emotionalwreck said:


> Last night was one of the worst and I feel horrible! It's been a few months and H just got back after being gone a week feeling frisky and like as if being gone giving me '4 days of space' was sufficient in that all should be back to normal. Wont' get into my novel.
> 
> For last few nights he's been wanting sex so badly. Constantly groping me, rubbing me, making comments to me. Even said he had to get up early out of bed one morning due to his 'morning chub' he wanted to jump my bones.
> 
> ...


I'm recently divorced, and this sounds like something my wife could have written. I think men and women view sex so differently that it is very difficult to understand each other, even if one tries to explain it with words. For me, sex was probably my love language. I felt loved if my wife desired me in that way, but if she didn't, I felt like there must be something wrong with me in her eyes, but she didn't understand that. She always looked at sex as a little more dirty or taboo than anything else. For example, if she needed gifts on occasion to feel loved, to her, that was somehow more understandable than me needing sex to feel loved. She was also into the connection part of it more than I. To me, I only wanted my wife. I would never have cheated or had an emotional affair with anyone else, I just wanted my wife, and I always thought, what's wrong with a man desiring his wife? To me, sex can just be fun with someone one loves, it doesn't always have to be "making love" like in the movies every time, but I guess that was different with her. Also, I never needed an emotional stroking as much as she did. For example, my wife could have called me a low down, dirty, stupid dog all day, and then want sex at the end of the day and I would have been ready to go. that's not quite how it worked with her, though. When I was married, I couldn't imagine not having a sexual desire for my wife regardless of what went on around us. To me, it's just like any other natural desire, it's going to return. I always wondered, how does my wife not want sex on a regular basis? Why does she not "desire" it? I may not have helped answer anything for you, but I have had experience with this. I have a question, what made you stop desiring your husband?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

EW, from my perspective as a guy... We had a "There's something really wrong with our marriage" talk in early November, and I had the separation talk with my wife early in December. We decided to hold off with regards to the separation till after Christmas for the sake of the kids. 

There has been no hanky-panky since... Mmmm, October? Even though I feel relatively confident that she would welcome the opportunity, from my perspective it just would send way too many wrong signals. Like, everything is ok, and we won't be separating. I would rather DIY than twist up her mind further than it already is.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I can totally understand how you feel with regards to feeling guilty and upset about it. I wish for your sake though, that you could just tell him "Look, our marriage is over, even though we're still in the same bed. That means no more sex for you", and have it stick. If that's what you want to do, anyway. 

C


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I don't know your circumstance. My comment would be different depending on who is ending the marriage. 

If your husband told you he wants a separation and divorce and then did this, I would think he is a pig. 

But if you said you want a separation and divorce (which I think is the case) and he is trying to save the marriage, then I understand where he is coming from. If he is like me, making love to my wife makes me feel loved. My guess is he is hurting and is trying to feel loved.

If you don't love him anymore and you are working on your marriage, then you need to move out. You are torturing him and the only way he can move on with his life is to be rid of you. You either stay and work on your marriage or you leave. Anything else is being cruel.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

PBear said:


> EW, from my perspective as a guy... We had a "There's something really wrong with our marriage" talk in early November, and I had the separation talk with my wife early in December. We decided to hold off with regards to the separation till after Christmas for the sake of the kids.
> 
> There has been no hanky-panky since... Mmmm, October? Even though I feel relatively confident that she would welcome the opportunity, from my perspective it just would send way too many wrong signals. Like, everything is ok, and we won't be separating. I would rather DIY than twist up her mind further than it already is.
> 
> ...


PBear...I just updated myself on your situation via your post. In what I read, I am a lot like your situation, on your end. I too, I guess, have checked out. Wishing there was a way to do so without causing so much pain and anguish. I know in my heart it's the right thing for me and for my daughter as she deserves a happy momma. One who is enjoying life instead fighting it. We do not argue, but he refuses to hear me. He clearly feels I'm just confused and making a huge mistake. 

I am guessing many who divorce/seperate or what ever always have the moment of regret. Not saying won't happen as we have shared a lot together. Lost a child, my dad, his dad, it's been an emotional rollercoster for 9 years. When I was going to counseling, I was finding out that I honestly checked out 7yrs ago. That was truly hard to hear or comprehend. I feel more like roomates, best friends. Your right, I need to have the 'talk'. I actually have, and when he heard me say I feel it's best for me to move on, that I love him but not in a marital way...he turned me off and said he did not want to hear anymore and ask me to consider a different counselor...a pastor. The sex has twisted up MY mind! Oddly enough, this last sexual encounter verified more so that I've checked out than anything. And...saddens me that he was oblivious to the lack of any emotional connection. Or possibly chose to ignore it. 

Well...I wish you luck in our change, move etc. Thanks for the comments.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> I don't know your circumstance. My comment would be different depending on who is ending the marriage.
> 
> If your husband told you he wants a separation and divorce and then did this, I would think he is a pig.
> 
> ...


Thank you. Yes, it's me....the cruel one. He is hurting, but not innocent by any means. And just because he feels loved by sex, does not mean otherwise. But, correct, because I take the 'easy' way out and continue to appease him is wrong. It's a behaviour I've learned from our marraige actually. He chose to ignore that in counseling as well.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

So when are you leaving? You aren't working on making it better. You say you are done. So let the guy have a life. 

I never meant to say that he is an angel and you are the cruel one. I meant to say that no matter what has happened in your marriage, it takes two people to make it work. If you have checked out, then leave.

He may be upset you left, but at least he isn't living a lie. He won't be trying to love someone who doesn't care about him. Give him a chance to find love with someone who is available to him.

Work on the marriage or leave? 

I can't believe you are asking ... Why does he want to have sex with me when I have told him I hate him? You know why! It is cruel of you to stay and put him in this position. Leave and in a few months he will be having sex with someone who cares about him.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

southbound said:


> I have a question, what made you stop desiring your husband?


Honestly, I do not have a specific answer. I truly have just grown apart from him. We do have an age difference, and it's not the actual 'age' but our comfort zones/lifestyles I guess? He is content being a work aholic, stay at home and just the 3 of us in our own world. I'm not. When younger, he was all I knew. I worshiped him, put him on pedestal, I truly looked and depending on him for happiness. We dated 4yrs, he did not want to marry, have kids etc. He ended up proposing, but I will say, I never let up even during split. I had no one then during split and was not happy with self back then. Guess at age 27 was still imature. Dont' know. There are so many factors. He's been very verbal and what I"m learning emtionally abusive to our daughter growing up. She fears him and has admitted at age 7 she does. I too feel I fear him in sense that I always do, say, and act what I know he likes or wants to keep him at peace. Over the years, I honestly feel I've realized this, don't like it and don't want it which has made him undesirable to me. 

I'm am not cruel, spiteful or uncompassionate by any means. I can only explain things in words here and sometimes that is difficult as words are hard to use in comparison to true emotions. I love him as my DD dad, for being there during the losses we had, just as a close companion/friend in general. Outside of that, it's lost for me. If I didn't care, it wouldn't be so hard to get the ball rolling for me to move on. I wish I could just hate him for some reason and not care what he felt. That would be much easier.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

EW, 

Yeah, I hear you... Like you, we've had the separation talk once. That was early December, and then she didn't want to talk about it after that. She was afraid of saying something she didn't mean. So things were pretty stressed for about a week, where we didn't talk much at all, just a few text conversations and verbal discussions about family stuff. 

Since then, things have eased up, but my concern is that she's either in denial about the fact that the separation is still happening, or she thinks things are "all better now". Either way, sometime in the next few days we'll have to sit down again and talk. And I'll tell her that I've got a place lined up for sometime in January, so let's start talking about dates and how to talk to the kids about the changes.

Anyway, back to your thread...  It does seem like he was just interested in "meeting his needs", and wasn't too concerned about how you were feeling. Sucks, but I guess that's sometimes the way us guys are. I don't think I've ever done that, but I guess it wouldn't surprise me if my wife had a different opinion on that.

C


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> So when are you leaving? You aren't working on making it better. You say you are done. So let the guy have a life.
> 
> I never meant to say that he is an angel and you are the cruel one. I meant to say that no matter what has happened in your marriage, it takes two people to make it work. If you have checked out, then leave.
> 
> ...


Hate him? Hmm....I just read my post again and that was never said. If I didn't care, I wouldn't have been in search of self help items like this forum. If I didn't care, I would leave him in a house he has no financial means to afford. Obviously, in view of all members here all the different post, many many peoples situations are not cut and dry. H and I have had many conversations. I wish I could be as you are displaying and just walk and not blink an eye. Much like your post of When is it time to leave....I too find myself thinking it's best to stay seperated in same house for now. 

If it was so easy, this forum wouldn't exist. I do appreciate your candidness. Too bad we both cannot just leave so many lives are not ruined besides our own.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

PBear said:


> EW,
> 
> Yeah, I hear you... Like you, we've had the separation talk once. That was early December, and then she didn't want to talk about it after that. She was afraid of saying something she didn't mean. So things were pretty stressed for about a week, where we didn't talk much at all, just a few text conversations and verbal discussions about family stuff.
> 
> ...


Thanks again. Yes, my H is like your W in a lot of ways I believe. I understand the 'meeting needs' I truly do. I guess if my heart felt different, I wouldn't feel so bad in just doing that...meeting his needs. Good luck PBear. I'll keep up on your post as it does make feel I'm at least not so alone.


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

You need to go into the divorce/separation forum. I hope though that you can find peace soon...hand in there.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

emotionalwreck said:


> Hate him? Hmm....I just read my post again and that was never said. If I didn't care, I wouldn't have been in search of self help items like this forum. If I didn't care, I would leave him in a house he has no financial means to afford. Obviously, in view of all members here all the different post, many many peoples situations are not cut and dry. H and I have had many conversations. I wish I could be as you are displaying and just walk and not blink an eye. Much like your post of When is it time to leave....I too find myself thinking it's best to stay seperated in same house for now.
> 
> If it was so easy, this forum wouldn't exist. I do appreciate your candidness. Too bad we both cannot just leave so many lives are not ruined besides our own.


You didn't say the words that you hate him, but your actions are saying that. 

The difference between you and I is that I am working on my marriage and still love and desire my wife. You have checked out and don't want anything to do with your husband.

The reason this hits with me is that you are like my wife. Maybe I read somethings into your message that aren't there because I see us in your relationship and for that I apologize.

For me, the worst is that we sometimes make love and I know she is into it and so am I and afterward we hold each other and tell each other how great we are together and how happy we are. Then a few days later, she is cold and heartless again.


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