# Why doesn't my wife like my girl friend?



## somethingstrange (Jun 5, 2020)

I've met an interesting woman. I like her. She works in the same industry as do I. We share a couple of common interests. In a lot of ways, she's much like a male buddy I had who died 10 years ago. Only she comes with a female body. 

That seems to be enough to make my wife afraid that I'll run off with her. It makes no sense to me. I would think that she'd be happy that I was making a new friend.

Help me understand please.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

My condolences for your male buddy.

Your girl friend, or is it girlfriend, does she have bigger boobs than your wife? Just looking for background to help us understand.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What types of things do you do with your girl friend?

How much time each week do you spend with your girlfriend?


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

*Oh lordy*


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## somethingstrange (Jun 5, 2020)

CharlieParker said:


> My condolences for your male buddy.
> 
> Your girl friend, or is it girlfriend, does she have bigger boobs than your wife? Just looking for background to help us understand.


No, she does not have bigger boobs than my wife. And all 3 of us are in our 60's. (My buddy died at age fifty-six.)

As to whether or not she is a girl friend or a girlfriend, it is the former. Now I am a red blooded male, and not immune to women's charms, but we've never had a sexual encounter or sex based encounter.


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## somethingstrange (Jun 5, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> What types of things do you do with your girl friend?
> 
> How much time each week do you spend with your girlfriend?


Dance. Eat. Talk.

A couple of hours per weekend.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Sir, I fear you can be very dense. You would be fine if this were your wife and her boy friend? Have you always liked living on the edge? Sounds like your girl friend is more important than the pain it is causing your wife. If you want to date--get a divorce first.


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## somethingstrange (Jun 5, 2020)

somethingstrange said:


> No, she does not have bigger boobs than my wife. And all 3 of us are in our 60's. (My buddy died at age fifty-six.)
> 
> As to whether or not she is a girl friend or a girlfriend, it is the former. Now I am a red blooded male, and not immune to women's charms, but we've never had a sexual encounter or sex based encounter.


And for what it is worth, I am chemically castrated following prostate cancer radiation treatment last autumn. My wife obviously knows this.


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## somethingstrange (Jun 5, 2020)

sunsetmist said:


> Sir, I fear you can be very dense. You would be fine if this were your wife and her boy friend? Have you always liked living on the edge? Sounds like your girl friend is more important than the pain it is causing your wife. If you want to date--get a divorce first.


But why would it cause her pain?

I would think just the opposite.

And yes, I would be fine with it if the shoe were on the other foot. Someone who brings happiness to someone I love is my friend, not my enemy.


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

None of us know your wife’s feelings, you need to ask her yourself. If you value your marriage with your wife then you will respect her wishes and cut back time with your female friend, to a level your wife is comfortable with (which may be none). There are many reasons she may be uncomfortable - the amount of time you’re spending, the activities you are participating in with her, if you are hiding contact from your wife, or excluding your wife (or dodging time with your wife to spend with your lady friend). If you have ever been unfaithful whether physically or emotionally. Also I don’t think chemical castration has anything to do with it, you can still become emotionally unavailable to your spouse and have an emotional affair without ever having sex.

it can sometimes be difficult it seems for the spouse having an inappropriate relationship to see what is inappropriate about it. Ask your wife with an open mind and open heart and observe your own actions.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

somethingstrange said:


> And for what it is worth, I am chemically castrated following prostate cancer radiation treatment last autumn. My wife obviously knows this.


What was your sex life like before the prostate cancer treatment? Did you have choices and were there alternatives that wouldn't have left you "chemically castrated?" Is the "chemical castration" permanent?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

somethingstrange said:


> I've met an interesting woman. I like her. She works in the same industry as do I. We share a couple of common interests. In a lot of ways, she's much like a male buddy I had who died 10 years ago. Only she comes with a female body.
> 
> That seems to be enough to make my wife afraid that I'll run off with her. It makes no sense to me. I would think that she'd be happy that I was making a new friend.
> 
> Help me understand please.



You are kidding right? I would suggest you advise your wife to get herself a boy friend, someone she finds interesting, someone she shares common interests with, someone like a female friend only in a male body. You would have no issues with that, right?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

somethingstrange said:


> Dance. Eat. Talk.
> 
> A couple of hours per weekend.


Aren't these the types of activities you should be doing with your wife? If not then I think it is time to let your poor long suffering wife go and find her joy elsewhere. it seems you are either dense or just downright insensitive. Remember your penis doesn't have to be in operation for you to have an affair, either EA or PA so you are already in very dangerous territory.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

somethingstrange said:


> Dance. Eat. Talk.
> 
> A couple of hours per weekend.


You go out to eat with her and dancing? On weekend?

How many yours a week do you spend with your wife in quality time? Just the two of you? What sorts of things do you and your wife do together? How many dates a month do you go on with your wife?


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## nypsychnurse (Jan 13, 2019)

You're kidding, right?

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

No doubt your wife is concerned about an emotional attachment that is - or may - supersede your attachment to her. This is a very common concern, whether or not there is a real risk. At this point she may have formed an irreversible dislike of your friend, otherwise there may be a chance to INCLUDE HER IN YOUR ACTIVITIES with your friend. She may come around if she's willing to spend some time with her and is reassured by seeing how you interact with your friend. If not, you have to decide what's more important to you. BTW, did you go dancing with your former male friend?

On the other hand, I understand your perspective. I have close female _platonic_ friends, and regularly hang out with them. My wife has no concerns (we have good boundaries) and is in fact happy that I have good friends (I also have male friends). She has the option of joining us if she wishes (usually she does not, not liking the esoteric, somewhat dark sci-fi series we usually watch together).


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

The clue is in the username.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My question to you is this: do you love your wife? She has plainly told you this is causing her pain, yet you continue to cause it. Why would you cause pain to someone you love? You’ve been asked why you’re not doing these things with your wife. I’ll ask also. Here’s the thing: You married your wife. SHE is the female friend you should be thinking about and going dancing and having dates with. Not done other woman. She is totally right to be concerned. 
And make no mistake, going to eat, talk, and dancing with another woman is dating her. You should be dating your wife.

You asked....... don’t like the responses, huh? Emotional affair starting. Fyi


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

> But why would it cause her pain?
> 
> I would think just the opposite.
> 
> And yes, I would be fine with it if the shoe were on the other foot. Someone who brings happiness to someone I love is my friend, not my enemy.


It does not matter that you do not understand why your wife is in pain over this. It should be enough for you to know that she is and that your behavior is why.

Stop the "dates" with the girl friend. Is your wife not worth it? If you can remove the pain she feels, why would you not do it?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

somethingstrange said:


> Now I am a red blooded male, and not immune to women's charms, but we've never had a sexual encounter or sex based encounter.


I wonder if your wife picks up on this sexual tension you just described.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Casual Observer said:


> What was your sex life like before the prostate cancer treatment? Did you have choices and were there alternatives that wouldn't have left you "chemically castrated?" Is the "chemical castration" permanent?


I was diagnosed with prostate cancer in early 2018. My "chemical castration" is an injection of a drug called Lupron. It is a testosterone suppressor. As explained to me, testosterone coupled with prostate cancer is like throwing gasoline into a fire. Makes it grow faster. And the side effects can be permanent. So the choices as explained to me were to take the injections or chance the cancer moving into my bones which is a death sentence. ED is almost certain. My wife and I talked it over and she TOLD me I would be taking the injections. I take my last scheduled injection in September.

Having said all this, there is no way in hell I would go on dance dates with another woman. Regardless of if my wife was OK with it or not. My fear is that she will find another man to satisfy her in a way I can no longer accomplish.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> I was diagnosed with prostate cancer in early 2018. My "chemical castration" is an injection of a drug called Lupron. It is a testosterone suppressor. As explained to me, testosterone coupled with prostate cancer is like throwing gasoline into a fire. Makes it grow faster. And the side effects can be permanent. So the choices as explained to me were to take the injections or chance the cancer moving into my bones which is a death sentence. ED is almost certain. My wife and I talked it over and she TOLD me I would be taking the injections. I take my last scheduled injection in September.
> 
> Having said all this, there is no way in hell I would go on dance dates with another woman. Regardless of if my wife was OK with it or not. My fear is that she will find another man to satisfy her in a way I can no longer accomplish.


Thanks for providing the context; that's what I was looking for from the OP. There are choices. In your case, I assume you're comfortable with your choice. I can imagine some instances where a husband might have questions, later, about the choice being correct if it was something he wife TOLD him to do. That could build up some resentment. Either way, it's not an excuse for stepping out on a marriage with another woman, and it doesn't have to involve "sex" to be stepping out. Pretty sure you and I are on the same page on that one.

All the best with your health.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Dancing? Sounds like a date to me. I’m guessing you and your guy friend didn’t go dancing? So not quite the same. 

It doesn’t matter why your wife doesn’t want you to have a female friend. It matters only that she doesn’t and that’s what you should respect.


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## somethingstrange (Jun 5, 2020)

maree said:


> None of us know your wife’s feelings, you need to ask her yourself. If you value your marriage with your wife then you will respect her wishes and cut back time with your female friend, to a level your wife is comfortable with (which may be none). There are many reasons she may be uncomfortable - the amount of time you’re spending, the activities you are participating in with her, if you are hiding contact from your wife, or excluding your wife (or dodging time with your wife to spend with your lady friend). If you have ever been unfaithful whether physically or emotionally. Also I don’t think chemical castration has anything to do with it, you can still become emotionally unavailable to your spouse and have an emotional affair without ever having sex.
> 
> it can sometimes be difficult it seems for the spouse having an inappropriate relationship to see what is inappropriate about it. Ask your wife with an open mind and open heart and observe your own actions.


Thanks Maree.

" ... to a level your wife is comfortable with (which may be none)." It seems like none is the level. But it makes no sense, and it saddens me. Why immediately disqualify over half of the people in my age group as potential friends? Heck, I really no longer have any friends (work comrades, sure but it is not the same), and would be glad to have one.

As to time spent, a couple of hours per weekend seems minimal. And if I were trying to hide it from my wife, I wouldn't have told her.

As to past affairs, she's had at least one since we got married (and two while in her first marriage, one of which was with me). Maybe others (I suspect so), but she won't admit to those. Me, no.

Chemical castration is not permanent. It is dependent on regular doses of the drug. My treatment will end about the end of this year. But that probably doesn't matter, since I have other medical problems contributing to or causing my erectile dysfunction and lack of sex drive. The chemical castration is more like doubling down on an existing situation rather than something new. (But, without the medical procedure of which it is part, I'd probably die of cancer in about year.)

As to an emotional affair, I admit to liking this other woman, but I don't think that counts as an emotional affair. I try plenty hard to be emotionally available for my wife, and do things with her. My emotional capacity clearly is less than her needs for emotional support, though. And our interests have diverged over the years, so getting her to do anything with me other than go out to eat is a rare thing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@somethingstrange,

If you would answer these questions it would be very helpful. I asked them in an earlier reply to you.

How many yours a week do you spend with your wife in quality time? Just the two of you? What sorts of things do you and your wife do together? How many dates a month do you go on with your wife?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

somethingstrange said:


> I've met an interesting woman. I like her. She works in the same industry as do I. We share a couple of common interests. In a lot of ways, she's much like a male buddy I had who died 10 years ago. Only she comes with a female body.
> 
> That seems to be enough to make my wife afraid that I'll run off with her. It makes no sense to me. I would think that she'd be happy that I was making a new friend.
> 
> Help me understand please.


If you would think for a moment you would realise that the idea of you having a female friend, a very good, close female friend would be a very, very bad idea indeed, from the point of view of your wife.

Get a male friend, instead.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Do you spend more time with this female than your wife? Do you invite your wife when you are with your female buddy since she is just a friend? Do yoy want her to be your wife’s friend too?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Because she loves you and is territorial of you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

somethingstrange said:


> Dance. Eat. Talk.
> 
> A couple of hours per weekend.


If you are dancing, eating out and talking while doing it, that is called dating sir.

I would divorce my wife for dating another man and I'm surprised at your wife's forbearance.

I'm assuming your girl friend is single and you go out with her without your wife?

Did you dance with your male friend as well?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> I'm assuming your girl friend is single and you go out with her without your wife?


I'm sure he'll tell us that she is married, after all. And guess what? HER husband doesn't care.

I learned the hard way that hard boundaries is the way to go. I would not be surprised if this "friend" is rather surly about his wife.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

It is funny how women will defend having male friends. Then turn a 180 when a guy has a female friend.

It is honestly your wife’s problem. She might be projecting what she is capable of. Almost all cheaters will believe their spouse is cheating when it comes to friends of the opposite sex. Has your wife ever cheated? Has there ever been a time when you


Girl_power said:


> Because she loves you and is territorial of you.


She is also a serial cheater and projects what she is capable of on her husband.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> It is funny how women will defend having male friends. Then turn a 180 when a guy has a female friend.


I have met those types.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

ABHale said:


> It is funny how women will defend having male friends. Then turn a 180 when a guy has a female friend.
> 
> It is honestly your wife’s problem. She might be projecting what she is capable of. Almost all cheaters will believe their spouse is cheating when it comes to friends of the opposite sex. Has your wife ever cheated? Has there ever been a time when you
> 
> ...


What are you talking about? Is this this situation? She has male friends that she hangs out with?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Ok


Girl_power said:


> What are you talking about? Is this this situation? She has male friends that she hangs out with?


It doesn’t matter if she has male friends or not.
Friends are just friends.

There are quite a few women on here that have male friends. They defend it all the time. So why can a guy not have a female friend.

Also his wife is a cheater. Several times over. Sorry but she gave up her right to say anything the day she cheated.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ABHale said:


> Ok
> 
> 
> It doesn’t matter if she has male friends or not.
> ...


Well I would divorce her but not become her myself.

I have female friends but I don't date them.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I have female friends as well. I don’t date any of them. There are just so many women that say it isn’t an issue unless the shoe is on the other foot.

I still believe that his wife is projecting her own cheating on him.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ABHale said:


> I have female friends as well. I don’t date any of them. There are just so many women that say it isn’t an issue unless the shoe is on the other foot.
> 
> I still believe that his wife is projecting her own cheating on him.


You are probably at least partially correct.

I'm going off his original post and responding to his arguments.

There is little doubt his wife is probably a piece of work but he is making poor arguments about his own behavior.

If his position was that he was going to date because she had her fun, I would respect his straight forward position even though I would choose a different path.

He hasn't made that argument.


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## secretsheriff (May 6, 2020)

ABHale said:


> It is funny how women will defend having male friends. Then turn a 180 when a guy has a female friend.
> 
> It is honestly your wife’s problem. She might be projecting what she is capable of. Almost all cheaters will believe their spouse is cheating when it comes to friends of the opposite sex. Has your wife ever cheated? Has there ever been a time when you
> 
> ...


What a hilarious bit of mind reading. 

Oh, and NONE of my female married friends think having a close male friend is okay.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

somethingstrange said:


> I've met an interesting woman. I like her. She works in the same industry as do I. We share a couple of common interests. In a lot of ways, she's much like a male buddy I had who died 10 years ago. Only she comes with a female body.
> 
> That seems to be enough to make my wife afraid that I'll run off with her. It makes no sense to me. I would think that she'd be happy that I was making a new friend.
> 
> Help me understand please.





> Why doesn't my wife like my girl friend?


Because she is your girl friend and your wife is your wife?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your cheating on your wife friend. Doesn't matter if you are castrated or not. If you are expending emotional energy anywhere but towards your wife, it is infidelity. If I was your wife I'd kick your spermless ass to the curb.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Unless it's some childhood friend, I see zero need for a married person to have an opposite sex friend that he/she sees 1-on-1. It's a needless risk to your marriage. It's one thing to have an opposite sex friend as part of a couple you both know, or even a single OS friend where you are both friends with the person. But spending time 1-on-1 with an OS friend is asking for trouble and I'll never tolerate it again in my life.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> Because she loves you and is territorial of you.


"Territorial" sounds kind of like a bad thing to me? Aren't we just discussing reasonable boundaries?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> I'm sure he'll tell us that she is married, after all. And guess what? HER husband doesn't care.
> 
> I learned the hard way that hard boundaries is the way to go. I would not be surprised if this "friend" is rather surly about his wife.


Even if not intentionally so, it is so easy for a friend to try to become more empathetic my supporting a viewpoint that might not be reasonable. Just because you're a friend. And in a situation like this, that can lead down a bad path. "I don't understand how she can be that way" is something that might be said, in a sympathetic manner, but the substext is "I wouldn't be that way" and the guy can be seeing that as an invitation. 

Being a good friend is all about connection and, as that connection grows, bonding. It's really easy for things to go astray.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I cant believe that you even have to ask.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Casual Observer said:


> "Territorial" sounds kind of like a bad thing to me? Aren't we just discussing reasonable boundaries?


All I can do is speak for myself. I’m emotional. I am territorial of my man. Does this lead to controlling behavior? What some call controlling I call boundaries.


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