# Husband's EA...long



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Here is my story: My husband travelled quite a bit all over the world due to the kind of work he was in...so at the end of May 2011 he went to Singapore and due to work load ended up staying for 11 weeks. Came back in Mid August...last September, as I am the one who handles all of our finances, etc. I noticed a charge on his VIsa for airmiles, the taxes, etc. I was able to access his air miles account and saw that a few days earlier a trip was booked from Singapore to where we live....I thought that was strange we did not plan on booking any trips...so that day I asked him about it..I was at work and phoned him later on when I knew he would be up. He said yes, and then tried to lie his way out of it, saying it was for a buddy of his who was from Singapore, etc. etc. ..I ended up hanging up on him because I sensed something wasn't right as I kept peppering him with questijons.

He phoned me back and said I can't lie the ticket is not for a "he" but for a "she"...my stomach dropped and then it began. I left work and rushed home because I was so upset. He said he meant her in the office of the company he worked for in Singapore and she had a friend here where we lived in Canada, and he was doing her a favor as she wanted to come here and visit her friend, after more arguing, etc. I asked him if anything physical happened he said no but said he was attracted to her. That whole day was a nightmare...we decided to work on our marriage as I was not the best wife in the later years of our relationship I admit..I was not affectionate, etc. (I think at times I wasn't sure about the marriage myself but I never went for someone else!)

I realized that I had some things to work on...so during the next 10 days he cancelled the ticket and told me that he told her it was a mistake. Which I verified that he had done.

I also saw on the air miles website that he had the ticket sent to an email address which I was not familiar with.
All during that 10 days I kept thinking I have to get into that email...so to access an email you just pretend to have forgotten the password..to make a long story short I figured out what his answers were to the secret questions and voila got in. FIrst email I saw was from her saying that she was going to do her best to come over and live with him for the rest of her life...these emails were after he told me he had stopped contact with her. Funny but that day I did not cry but instead was filled iwth anger and it was like the power had shifted..I was in control now. 

We argued that whole day and he admitted that what he did was wrong and since that day it is over..I have access to his computer/phone, etc. He even admitted what he did to his mother and she cried so to me that was a good thing for him to do.

I forgot to add that II Fired off an email to her saying that this is his wife and I have discovered what he was doing...he admitted to me that he told her that he was separated. I knew then as she was my age that she would back off and she did..she sent him an email basically telling him where to go. 

This relationship was not physical...how I know that is he has been on a medication that has rendered him not just impotent but took away his libido. So he said even though he was flattered by her attention, etc. he never once felt any sexual desire for her. He is off those meds now however his libido has yet to return..it can still take a while yet..which isn't good for us but I can live with it for now.

Fast forward to today...even though he is doing everything he can to remedy and I am too...now when he travels (not to Singapore..no more for that) we send each other love you texts, etc. He needed to feel appreciated and loved and I was not giving that to him...so in hind sight it was good for our marriage.

However, how can I get past the anger I feel at times as well as the fact that the deception, etc. especially after I found out and he contineud for 10 days to email her.

To me what he did to her was crappy as he led her on as well as what he did to me.

Sometimes I think even though our marriage is better now, what happened was a huge wake up call for me and it revitalized my feelings toward him ...I still feel resentment and anger toward him...one thing I am doing which I know is not right is I throw it back at him alot..make these little sarcastic comments, etc. to him about it....I think I want to do that because I feel if I do not say anything then he will think I forgot about it and all is good...I also wonder if I had her and I had not ended it would he still be doing this?? We have been together for 23 years..married for 16.

We did do marriage counselling which was okay..she had some good points..but one time I went by myself and she asked where this women was from and I said I think she was from the Phillipines and she said..wow there are some beautiful Filipino girls out there...WTF???

Sorry for the length!!


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Sounds like you need individual counseling.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ew--your marriage counsellor's comment was totally inappropriate. I would totally axe her and never see her again and I hope you called her out on it.

Do you want to do more marriage counselling? Your anger is warranted. Could you try to get some individual counselling as well.

I am sorry for your pain.


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

You're clearly an intelligent woman. But, do you believe that he ended contact with her because that's what you want to believe, or because that's what the facts support???

He's lied through his teeth to you every step of the way. He only admits when you crack more of the case. And not much of what he said passes the common sense test.

He says the ticket was "doing her a favor to visit a friend". In her email she says she can't wait to come live with him for the rest of her life and believes he's separated? Cmon.

Sorry, but I think you were far to quick to take the blame and sweep this under the rug to "move on in your relationship". And I would not take a word your husband says right now at face value. Who's to say that he didn't create a new email from his work and clue her in that you knew and what she should do if emailed by you? If anything he's just put things into a holding pattern until things calm down and he can contact her again.

I also don't believe the relationship wasn't physical. Some strange woman from the Phillipines was going to come live with him and they weren't physical? They were soulmates?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Your story has some similarities to mine. Are you sure that he has actually met this woman in person? My husband was scammed out of $3000 by 'women' who claimed to be from the Philippines whom he met online. 

What is he doing for you so that YOU feel more loved when he travels? So that you don't worry about what he's doing while he's away? How is he proving to you he isn't still cheating?

I would agree that IC for you might be a good idea. My head wasn't screwed on properly till I'd been to a few. The urge to throw it back at him all the time will fade, but only if he's doing a LOT of work to prove to you he's not continuing any of those behaviours.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Thanks for your responses...due to this medication that he was on he was impotent and had no libido. I know that..so even though it was emotional I am glad that it did not turn physical. I believe him that there is no contact...he is a subcontractor so does not have a work computer...his only computer is his laptop which I have access to. I have tried to catch him to see if he is doing anything wrong however I have not been able to catch him..everything appears to be on the up and up.


I do take alot of the blame on myself due to not giving him emotionally what he needed however I still at the same time wrestle with the anger from what he did. This was someone I trusted totally...

No I have no desire to see that therapist again..very inapproriate comment in my mind.

To me the girl was using him in order to come to Canada and have a better life for herself and he was her money train. She was very flattering to him. 

I am 43 and she was the same age so I knew that the moment she realized she had been lied to she would back off...I guess at a certain age you tend to develop life experience/knowledge, etc.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Hope, she worked in the office in Singapore while he was over there working so I know they did meet in person.

My SIL's mother told me that some of those asian women will lick a man's feet in order to come over to a better country. Not sure if that is true but whatever...


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Highwood, there are lots of people here that have been through what you are going through. There are a lot of different outcomes as well.
I hope yours ends up as happy as mine, see my stories below.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Thank you Dan! I will check out your story.

It is confusing because on one hand I am angry but yet at the same time almost grateful that this happened because our marriage was becoming very complacent, plus hubby did give me hints over the years that I wasn't affectionate enough, etc. He said it felt like we were becoming roomates..ironically I felt it too however I didn't pick up on the hints he was giving me and chose to ignore the situation. He got the impression that I prefered it when he was gone than when he was home..and I was so used to him being away that I know I did give him that impression. 

I feel ashamed now over how I acted but never too late..it is better now than it has been in years.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

PLEASE realize this: The state of your relationship is both your faults. But the fact he cheated (EA, PA, it's still cheating) is ONE HUNDRED PERCENT on him. NOT on you - you carry ZERO blame for him cheating. ZERO.

You both had a lousy marriage. You both had four choices.
1) Get a divorce
2) Get help 
3) Ignore the problem
4) Cheat

You chose 3, he chose 4. You did NOT choose 4. If you continue to accept blame for what he did, things will unravel.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

The therapist said she noticed with some of her other couples..that when the man works away from home the wife almost feels like an intruder is in the house when he comes back...that is the impression I gave.

He is a hard working man and I never appreciated how hard he works for me and my son in order so we can have a good life.

Dan..I read your story..very interesting and definently some similarities. All the best to you!

It is funny how sometimes these situations can reignite your feelings...I felt complacent toward him and now I feel like I did back early on. He needed to hear how much I missed him and loved him while he was away and was not getting any of that from me. I realized that I have a good man and I need to do my part in order to take care of the marriage if I want to stay married. 

Huge wake up call for me!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

OK, I will ask again - what is he doing to prove to you that he isn't still cheating??


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

HOpe I agree with you...he knows he did wrong! He said he got caught up in her flattery and the banter between them..in a way I get that however he chose the actions and he has to live with the consquences.

He knows that I am watching him like a hawk and how much he will lose if this ever happens again..I told him if he ever does this again..it will be brutal. I will make his life hell!


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Hope I have complete access to this phone and computer..plus I am the account holder for the phone so I can check the phone calls all the time. Plus he has reassured me countless times that he is over what happened. Just a gut feeling that you know that nothing is going on. 

I can see every text message online and phone call that occurs on his phone..


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Hope..do you mind sharing your story about your husband and the Philipino women..I am curious. 

I notice that you are in Alberta as well..that is where I am.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sure  You can read about it here

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation-stories/32264-hello.html


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Thanks Hope..some similarities! 

Our marriage was crappy as well...dh told me one time a couple of years go that when he tried to touch me I moved away. When he told me this I remember just ignoring what he said and went on to watching tv...he said early on in the relationship he would try to hold hands with me and I pulled my hand away so he stopped. 

He tried and tried, I admit, for so many years but I just kept shutting him down.

As well he commented recently that it bothered him that in the last 5 years or so I would just pick him up at the airport..I wouldn't even come in and greet him. Plus I always looked like I couldn't wait for him to be gone again. I do feel ashamed for how I acted toward him..I guess I wasn't sure what I wanted.

So yes, I blame myself for what led up to what he did...not what he did but what led up to it.

I ignored the hints and chose to do nothing. That is why what happened for me was a huge wake up call...and on one hand it is exciting because I know that we have to keep things good and never go back to the way it was for so many years.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

....and he is trying. He is currently off shore in South America for a couple of weeks and he is phoning me all the time and texting me. It feels good that we are now saying I love you and I miss you to each other because for so many years that was not spoken.


It might sound wierd to some people that a couple can let things get so bad..but we have been together since I was 19 and I am now 43. So I guess it is easy for complacency to set in.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I did the exact same thing - just stuck my head in the sand and ignored all the bad stuff. I don't know where I thought we were headed. It wasn't pretty. 

I can't emphasize enough how important it is for him to do a LOT of work. A LOT. He should be willing to hand you his left arm on a silver platter. He should be remorseful - somewhere on here someone has a link to the difference between regret and remorse - maybe look that up.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I agree..it is bad when you realize how easy it is to ignore things and then bam wake up call!!

To me the fact that he told his mom is a huge thing because it was shameful for him to admit that to this mom...as well the marriage counseling is not easy to go to for a guy I think. That day I discovered the emails back in October..I have never seen him cry and he cried that day because me holding the emails and reading them to him must have felt like crap. He said he wanted to die..he felt so bad.

Sadly, I think as painful as this has been, as my sister said, there was not a more effective wakup call in order to get the marriage right again..and I agree.

I was doing so many things wrong in how I was treating him leading up to this....as the counseller said if the marriage had been good this would not have happened...and he agreed 100% with that.

Not excusing his actions but I also have to look at mine as well..in the years leading up. Sometimes it is hard to look at your fault in a situation but I think growth tends to come from pain and hurt.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, mine actually forwarded his mom an email from me in which I had listed all of his sins in graphic detail a couple days after D day. The fact he did that really made me realize how seriously remorseful he was.

I do not agree with your counselor saying that if the marriage was good this never would have happened. They have NO way of knowing that. Your husband has to own what he did, and the counselor saying that is enabling him to blame you in part.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Yes, I do agree with you! This counseller was paid thru work so sometimes I wonder if you get the best of the best..you do not get a choice..you are sent to this person and that's it.

The funny thing is she said that in front of him but just to me in our private session she said he still had no right doing what he did..


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## fiijaab (Jan 13, 2012)

He's lied through his teeth to you every step of the way. He only admits when you crack more of the case.


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## Lisa1028 (Jan 18, 2012)

your stories sound very similiar to what I have gone through for the last year. I have confided in friends and we did go through counseling but I still have a very difficult time dealing with what I have gone through. I just found this site and signed up today in fact this is my first post. I hope that finding others with similar experiences will help me deal with these issues and not feel like it consumes me so often.


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