# Depression & a Relationship in Trouble



## Rogue (Apr 22, 2011)

Hello,

I found these forums while looking for articles and help for salvaging a relationship and I see a great many people here with situations similar to mine. I also see many people who have overcome their problems and who are helping others, which really makes me hopeful that I can find some help here.

I'm really not sure how to start this, as I haven't really structured my thoughts about it all to well yet, so I'll just speak whats on my mind here.

I'm 25 and have been in a relationship with my Fiance (?) for about 5 years now. We have a child who is now 2 years old. Several things came together in the last week or so that finally pushed me to a breaking point at which I couldn't handle the stress I was going through any longer. Driving home from work at 140mph and thinking destructive thoughts, I realized I needed help and couldn't shrug things off anymore. A long talk with my family doctor resulted in a diagnosis of severe depression and some moderate anxiety issues, for which I've been given medication (Pristiq daily & Zolam as needed).

My fiance and I are not doing well. When she became pregnant I think I entered an "I need to grow up and be responsible" mind set of sorts. My family and friends agree that it kind of took over my life from there. Things proceeded to get worse over the last 2-3 years. I've been unhappy and hard to get along with - especially over the last year. We don't really fight - we just haven't enjoyed life and each others company. It's as if I have forgotten how to enjoy simple pleasures in life and have list interest in leading a fun life. My fiance and I have talked several times - we have tried to keep a very open line of communication.

We had a very upsetting heart-to-heart earlier this week after I decided that I needed to get help. She explained to me that she has been trying to involve me in her life and get me involved in activities that we can enjoy together, that she has been very sad seeing me upset so often. She told me that for her it reached a point about 2 or 3 months ago where she honestly just gave up on trying to make me happy. She has started romantically seeing somebody else now (another girl - she is bisexual) and they have been together for about a month. She told me that her new partner makes her more happy than I do and that she is enjoying life with this other person more than with me.

Our talk also brought into light the fact that she still loves me as a best friend and will never stop loving me, but that she is no longer attracted to me as a couple or part of a sexual relationship. She says she has been too hurt by the way I have pushed her away over the last couple of years. I asked her if there was any hope of salvaging the wonderful relationship we both once had with each other, and she told me that she does not know, because she now feels torn between her new girlfriend and myself.

I really don't like the feeling's I've had, it's as if I've been hollow and shut-out. A lot of people talk about depressed individuals erecting an emotional "shell" and I think that it's true. I _really, honestly_ want to break it apart and let the old me back out. I don't know how and it upsets me knowing that my family and the love of my life have been hurt by my emotional distance.

In addition to the medication I am taking, my physician also wants me to seek a Psychologist for counseling. I'm following through with it and have called several practitioners in my area trying to find someone who can offer me guidance. My fiance has agreed to go to couples therapy with me but wants me to go by myself for my first few sessions so I wouldn't have to hide anything due to her presence. I wouldn't want to hide anything, but she's right, there are some unrealistic things that bother me that I wouldn't say because I don't want her to get more upset.

I've also acquired several self-help style books, some of which I asked my fiance to read with me, such as "Creating Optimism." I think that I am on the right track towards bringing some peace of mind back into my personal life, but I'm very nervous and scared about the health of my relationship. 

I want my partner back. She spends just about as much time away with her new interest as she does with me, or more, and that upsets me because in my mind I feel that it contradicts her saying that she wants to be _here_ for me and to help me. I want us to regain the exciting spark we used to have, our closeness, and to start having sex again. Most of all I want us to be happy with each other again. I hate feeling like the lesser half now and I wish that I had come to a realization of my problems and need for help earlier than I did, but I'm doing it now and I think that's what is important. I'm just hoping that for the sake of the relationship, it's not too little too late.

I know I didn't really ask any questions but I think I need some advice, I don't know what to do right now.


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## Rogue (Apr 22, 2011)

Some other thoughts...

We had also talked about a few other things during our heart to heart. Some of them upset me a lot but I can only blame myself for letting things get to the point where they are. Mainly her seeking the affection I have not been providing elsewhere. If only I'd have sought help sooner I/we might not be in this situation. I asked the about her relationship with her new girlfriend and how it can or will affect us as we try to start healing. Her response was very hard to take - If I were to ask her to stay with me to take a prominent role in my life again and in our healing process... And to stop seeing her new girlfriend because she knows that it's one of the major things that upsets me... She would leave me for her.

Those soft spoken words were some of the most hurtful I've had to take in a long time. I think I understand her point of view though. I've been distant. I've been uncaring. I've been depressed and now that I recognize it I'm seeking help. But she was hurt by my emotions and inaction through this and gave up on me and found love elsewhere. She has told me that she wants to give us a second chance and she will do couples counseling with me. But even with these gestures it hurts seeing her continue to do the things that hurt.

I just try to keep my chin up. I don't know if I should do solo therapy or if we should jump right into couples counseling. I've read mixed opinions on how to make my partner know that I care about them as well. I'm afraid that if I give her lots of attention that it will overwhelm her and drive her away. On the other hand, if I give her space while I am working on my problems, I'm afraid that she'll focus more on her new relationship and leave anyway when I ask her to come back fully.

Thanks for reading.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Buddy do you really want to "heal" sexual identity issues? It blows my mind what some people will tolerant. Get a lawyer and move on. Having to worry about other men is one thing but now other women too?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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