# reading "surrendered wife", wow what an eye opener.



## lostsoul25 (Dec 18, 2012)

so about 3 weeks ago i came in here fully desperate to have someone hear my troubles and anxiety about my marriage and advice me and many of you advised me in different ways, anyhow someone, i am not sure where I read it or who suggested it but I am sure I ordered the book because of a suggestion from this site, its called "surrendered wife" and wow this is truly overwhelming, I mean a complete mirror of myself, my sister, my mother, most of the women I know, I mean it is unbelievable how easy this explains how important to not control everything is, and how easy you end up being controlling and treating your husband like a child without even knowing and not being respectful. I have no idea if this will work in my marriage but I am definitely giving it a try. already tried these past 2 days, very surprised how often I open my mouth with absolute no reason but to criticize or add to what he is doing or show a better way omg, how ugly, this is quite interesting though and thought I would share, I will let you know on the progress, the author says to try this for 6 months, lets hope I wont fail miserably lol 
ps. if anyone else read the book and if it worked for them, please share your thoughts


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

I haven't read the book, but I can say from experience that clearly identifying and understanding (and being able to call out/put into words) the power dynamic in your marriage is very very important. 

I believe that having both persons seeing eye-to-eye about that and respect is almost necessary for the relationship to be successful, happy, and satisfying.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I have read the book. It is not for everyone but I'm glad it is helping you.

Can you recap for us what the issues were in your marriage, or link your original post?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I first read Fascinating Womanhood about 8 years ago. Then took a bible study about submitting. I got the concept but letting go of control just wasn't my strong suit but I kept at it and was in therapy to help with my controlling tendencies.

Then recently I ended up reading the surrendered wife and was pleasantly surprised to find how well I'm already doing. I just needed a few 'tweaks' like letting go of the money. I'm a homemaker but up until recently I paid all the bills.

It has absolutely changed my marriage for the better and the irony is he does MORE for me now than he's EVER done for me in 21 years of marriage. I just smile and say "thank you". He can't do enough for me and all it took was me giving up control. Amazing!!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So, is Surrendered Wife kind of like the opposite of MMSL and NMMNG??

I can imagine what it is just from what it's called, but enlighten me.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

It's about how to communicate with men directly without game playing and hints. It's about giving up control over someone we have no business controlling...our husbands. 

It's about learning to practice self love to ourselves. It's about learning to let men be men and to stop running their lives. It's about having desires and asking for what you want from them. 

It's about reigniting the desire men have to make us happy again. It's still there it's just dormant over years of them thinking nothing will ever satisfy us. This if you're like the woman I used to be - highly critical and condescending.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Previous discussions about this book almost always end up being attacked as crap ... same as the books for the boys.

Just be advised, asking for 'input' usually is an invitation to utterly slam the premise of the book.

Which for the benefit of Hope ... taken from the authors page itself:



> Like millions of women, I wanted my marriage to be better. But when I tried to get my husband to be more romantic, helpful and ambitious, he withdrew-- and I was lonely and exhausted from controlling everything. Desperate to be in love with my man again, I decided to stop telling him what to do and how to do it.
> 
> When I surrendered control, something magical happened. The union I had always dreamed of appeared. The man who had wooed me was back.
> 
> ...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

If you are a wife who has some control issues, then it will be a good book for you. If not, it won't make any sense.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

I was skeptical about the book by the title, but I just read an overview from the author's site and it seems interesting. Many of the things mentioned I already do, but I think I will put this book on my list to read.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

I still have a couple of chapters left to go myself. I can't believe how dead on this woman is in some things. Since I've started reading this book, it's amazing how many times I have caught myself trying to control every little minute detail of everthing. 

I say thank you more and am doing my best to bite my tounge when he misses the turn by 2 streets.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Mavash. said:


> It's about how to communicate with men directly without game playing and hints. It's about giving up control over someone we have no business controlling...our husbands.
> 
> It's about learning to practice self love to ourselves. It's about learning to let men be men and to stop running their lives. It's about having desires and asking for what you want from them.
> 
> It's about reigniting the desire men have to make us happy again. It's still there it's just dormant over years of them thinking nothing will ever satisfy us. This if you're like the woman I used to be - highly critical and condescending.


this brought a tear to my eye :smthumbup:


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

When I read the book a few years ago as a woman married to a controlling man it absolutely infuriated me and I wanted to burn it.

But I kept it and read it again now that I'm with one of those nice guys.It's helpful now that I'm more open to it and see how I could easily slip into being overbearing and controlling toward my SO because he's such a passive guy.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> When I read the book a few years ago as a woman married to a controlling man it absolutely infuriated me and I wanted to burn it.
> 
> But I kept it and read it again now that I'm with one of those nice guys.It's helpful now that I'm more open to it and see how I could easily slip into being overbearing and controlling toward my SO because he's such a passive guy.


:iagree:

For a woman who is actually controlling, I'm sure it's helpful. For a woman whose husband is telling her she's "too controlling" as a method of blamshifting and gaslighting her to draw attention away from his own poor behavior, though, it's a minefield.

I still prefer Dr. Harley's book Lovebusters, as a general, non-gender-specific, guide to recognizing and eliminating controlling behaviors.


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## Getbusylivin (Dec 23, 2012)

What if you have a wife that refuses to believe that the way she treats her husband, (cussing and belittling him all the time) is wrong? What if her attitude is, your the man, you have no feelings. I have read, his needs her needs twice and she refuses to open it cause she thinks all its says is women are always at fault..


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Getbusylivin said:


> What if you have a wife that refuses to believe that the way she treats her husband, (cussing and belittling him all the time) is wrong?


This is on you. As long as you allow her to treat you this way nothing will change.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Getbusylivin said:


> What if you have a wife that refuses to believe that the way she treats her husband, (cussing and belittling him all the time) is wrong? What if her attitude is, your the man, you have no feelings. I have read, his needs her needs twice and she refuses to open it cause she thinks all its says is women are always at fault..


Well, then I'd say she's probably pretty unlikely to ready anything titled "The Surrendered Wife". I think the ability for _both_ partners to really examine how their own behavior contributes to the dynamics in their marriage, and to meaninfully change that behavior long-term, is an absolute requirement for fixing a bad relationship.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Getbusylivin said:


> What if you have a wife that refuses to believe that the way she treats her husband, (cussing and belittling him all the time) is wrong? What if her attitude is, your the man, you have no feelings. I have read, his needs her needs twice and she refuses to open it cause she thinks all its says is women are always at fault..


You need an entirely different book, bud. One for you, not her. You don't share it with her at all.

Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men: Wayne M. Levine: 9780979054402: Amazon.com: Books


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## Getbusylivin (Dec 23, 2012)

Thanks, I will give it a read for sure


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

This is very interesting. But it sounds like it isn't for me, as my hubby is a sex addict. What does it say about that? Just that it won't work for you if that's the case?

I will admit to a pretty big negative connotation from the title. Can someone give it a title that might be more appropriate?

So, the idea is that the wife stop trying to control her husband?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Reading a bit on the website, it sounds like I might actually be what they call a surrendered wife. I don't nag or criticize or try to control him, especially since the whole cheating fiasco. Even when it comes to his sex addiction - he has that handled himself. I am always telling people here on TAM that they need to figure out how to be happy by themselves and not rely on their spouse for happiness, or try to change their spouse in any way. And I have pretty much made myself vulnerable to my husband by agreeing to reconcile after he cheated.

Interesting.


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## Getbusylivin (Dec 23, 2012)

Why did he cheat?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Getbusylivin said:


> Why did he cheat?


Link to my story is in my siggy. Short version - he turned to internet porn and progressed from there when our marriage deteriorated. Found out he's a sex addict - sexual titillation is his 'drug'.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

What I wonder is if there is anyway to politely give this book to a friend who has some control issues? She has acknowledged to some extent that she has controlling "ways" but I'm not sure if its appropriate to suggest this book for her marriage?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> Found out he's a sex addict - sexual titillation is his 'drug'.


If you don't mind my humble question, exactly how is a determination like this made? What is the criteria?


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I don't know if my wife ever read this book but at some point she starting doing a lot of the principles in it. She is a completely different woman in many ways but again I have no idea if she read or has ever even heard of it.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I think what is needed is a healthy balance of power within a relationship.
A " healthy balance " will be different from couple to couple. It all depends on the type of personalities,and the dynamics of the relationship.

It would be disastrous to tell the wife of a laid back husband to be more surrendered. She is in the leadership role because he is the surrendered one. In any event, if they both consult with each other and have a good relationship,there is no need to change.

However is the wife constantly challenges the husband and his ability to lead for no justifiable reason, then she may need to surrender IMO.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> It would be disastrous to tell the wife of a laid back husband to be more surrendered. She is in the leadership role because he is the surrendered one.


Not so in my case. He rose to the occasion when I gave up my leadership role. We're partners and he discusses things with me yes but the final say is his.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> If you don't mind my humble question, exactly how is a determination like this made? What is the criteria?


He saw a counselor who recognized his behaviours, and he finally joined a 12 step group for sex addicts. There are CSAT's (Certified sex addiction counselors) who specialize in sex addiction.

For a long time he didn't identify with the 'sex addict' label. He called himself a 'cybersex' addict only. Till he realized that by denying it, he was enabling the behaviours to escalate.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Not so in my case. He rose to the occasion when I gave up my leadership role. We're partners and he discusses things with me yes but the final say is his.


Ok,
Point taken!

But we both agree that its case specific.
Yes?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I think this book is like many 'self help' books, you read it...then you take from it what works for YOU. I felt it was a good read and what she says makes sense...mostly.

In our situation we have a history of financial lies/secrets so I HAVE to be involved...just so I can sleep at night. 

I believe surrendering won't work for everyone... because men like mine can/will/might take advantage.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

So the idea of the book "the surrendered wife" has crossed my path yet again. I haven't read it however I do believe I get the general premise of it. Love yourself have your own interests and at the same time don't criticize or control your husband. So I have some questions....what if I do love myself and have my own interests, make money, support the family financially, cook, clean, exercise and take good care of my body, don't control my husband, support his self employment venture that is not finacially sound, let him go to all the trade shows for weeks on end trying to build the business, let him go out with his friends but yet he pushes the boundaries. He does exactly the opposite of what is supposed to happen. He takes the "Ball and runs with it!" He takes off and stays out and away longer. I don't put unsual demands on him. Yet he takes advantage of my kind forgiving nature. This "surrendering" does not work in my marriage. He looks at it as a way of getting away with more! any one else?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you are finding this book to be of interest, you might also benefit from the book "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands".

It's especially good reading for SAHM’s. But I think that most women today would benefit from the book. 

As a woman who is the breadwinner in my household I even think that my husband would have benefited from reading it and reversing roles.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

Kind of reminds me of my childhood dog "prince"....loved and fed him well but the minute the back yard gate was open he was gone! He would have never come back if I hadn't chased him. He was stupid and I ended up bringing him to the pound because he became to annoying and I was always late for school LOL....that was my surrender.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

amanda1959 said:


> So the idea of the book "the surrendered wife" has crossed my path yet again. I haven't read it however I do believe I get the general premise of it. Love yourself have your own interests and at the same time don't criticize or control your husband. So I have some questions....what if I do love myself and have my own interests, make money, support the family financially, cook, clean, exercise and take good care of my body, don't control my husband, support his self employment venture that is not finacially sound, let him go to all the trade shows for weeks on end trying to build the business, let him go out with his friends but yet he pushes the boundaries. He does exactly the opposite of what is supposed to happen. He takes the "Ball and runs with it!" He takes off and stays out and away longer. I don't put unsual demands on him. Yet he takes advantage of my kind forgiving nature. This "surrendering" does not work in my marriage. He looks at it as a way of getting away with more! any one else?


 I get your frustration as I've been in a similar situation. 

If you have done everything the book says, and he takes advantage and runs all over you then you are taking it to far. 

I doubt the book says to let your husband run over your good nature.

You do have to put your foot down and let him know your boundaries. If he is not willing to live with your boundaries, are you willing to leave the marriage? You might have to get the sanity you need in your life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

amanda1959 said:


> Kind of reminds me of my childhood dog "prince"....loved and fed him well but the minute the back yard gate was open he was gone! He would have never come back if I hadn't chased him. He was stupid and I ended up bringing him to the pound because he became to annoying and I was always late for school LOL....that was my surrender.


Can I take my husband to the pound? Do they have a pound for this?


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

I swear the image of that little black and brown pinscher is branded into my brain. Open that gate and off he went....but seriously my man doesn't respect my boundaries. He was out until 4 last night and I am fuming! He does things like this time passes I forgive and then whamm he will do something else that is out of line...he basicly pushes the boundary to the brink of exceptance. He relies on time for it to blow over.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> I think what is needed is a healthy balance of power within a relationship.
> A " healthy balance " will be different from couple to couple. It all depends on the type of personalities,and the dynamics of the relationship.


I agree on this.

Personally, I'd rather my wife show a bit of a two-way street. Share the responsibility. Maybe I've always been too idealistic in regards to equality, but I do like it when my wife challenges my decisions as long as she remains calm and reasonable about it (and smart about it - not like recently for a totally different matter... *sigh*).

Besides the last time she became a "yes woman" our problems just ended up being suppressed instead of being dealt with.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

kind of like getting hit on the head with a hammer... letting it heal and then get burned with some hot water etc etc...different injuries but they all inflict pain


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## WEBELONG2GETHER (Jan 22, 2012)

I will not read this book. I am already a surrender wife and that is my problem. I let go too much. I let him control me too much. I always was submissive and he is spoiled. I am know trying to find my ovaries and be my own woman. Being a surrender wife did not work for me. I lost myself in the process


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

Bingo you can "surrender too much" and away he goes...


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I certainly go along with not trying to control one's spouse and, if a woman is guilty of doing this, stopping such negative behaviour can only help her marriage. However, I believe the same would hold true for controlling husbands, so I don't understand why this should be gender specific...

I'm not the sort of woman who would try to control a man, but I'm not the sort of woman to be controlled by one, either. I enjoy an equal relationship with my partner, built on love, trust, respect and a desire for mutual understanding, and this works well for us.

Whilst the book makes some very good points, the term "surrendered" just doesn't sit will with me.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

Yes Cosmos ultimately we should all be "surrendered" in the spiritual sense to living in the moment not to "eachother". As a couple you should be unique individual life forms, not these dualling forces pulling, pushing and imposing, sapping the life out of eachother. The word "surrendered" implies opposing forces... one over the other. Thats why I have a problem with it as well.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

amanda1959 said:


> Yes Cosmos ultimately we should all be "surrendered" in the spiritual sense to living in the moment not to "eachother". As a couple you should be unique individual life forms, not these dualling forces pulling, pushing and imposing, sapping the life out of eachother. The word "surrendered" implies opposing forces... one over the other. Thats why I have a problem with it as well.


:iagree:

Communication and giving as much as taking is key, IMO. It just doesn't make sense to me that one partner should have the final say by default.

I often decide that I would like us to do something, but if my partner opposes it, it's usually with good reason, and vice versa. We are both strong, intelligent people, but there is no battle of wills in our relationship - just respectful communication, negotiation and solution finding.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

As the one who actually suggested it to you, I am glad to read that you enjoy it.

This book is not for everyone. It's meant only for wives of healthy husbands (if their husbands are abusive or cannot be trusted for any other reason, it wont' work for you).


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

I'd like to throw out a question, totally open, and no set feelings on this- actually, something that occurred in my life. For a bit of explanation, I personally believe that marriage should be a partnership, a surrendering of BOTH spouses to the UNION.

Then things like this happen:
In my career path, I had achieved a decent level of success, and had well proved myself. Considered one of the top my field, had done some consulting work due to this. I'm saying this because it's important to understand I am good at what I do.

Opportunity comes along that is probably a once in a lifetime opportunity, to buy a business in my field. No way we have that money, so dept would be incurred. To give an idea, the debt would be several times our yearly income at that time.

I checked it out from all angles, and knowing the field front to back, saw that there was almost no risk. Wife and I talk, she says check it out further. I start spending time in the business, and see that my initial investigation was correct. Talk to wife again, go over the numbers, she says she sees it, she knows that due to my experience, there is minimal risk, but she DOESN'T WANT ME TO TAKE THE RISK. 

Stop.

What?

So, here is where my question comes in. It wasn't about me not being able to make the business work, she admitted she knew I could. It wasn't about NOT being able to do it financially, I had taken all the steps to work that out too. 

It was about her fear. 

We discussed, argued, and in general, came to a complete stand off over this. She said absolutely no, I said absolutely yes.

Now, I do believe in BOTH partners having equal voice, yet in this instance, I went ahead, and against her wishes, signed on the deal, and purchased the business. Several years later, she admitted that she was glad I did.

So, for the surrendered spouse, how do you handle a situation where you are sure it's wrong, yet your spouse is sure they are right?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I don't know about surrendered spouses, but I've never really found a situation where I can truthfully say that we were 100% unable to discuss it and come to an agreement. We simply refused to come to an agreement which caused us quite a lot of problems. Most of the time it's because the tension and aggression is still there.

Sex relieves it somewhat, and sometimes it helps softening both parties up so both can actually LISTEN to why their spouse feels so strongly about it. Hell sometimes though even my wife and I end up "surrendering" to both at the same time, and then even end up arguing about it: I start agreeing with her, then she sees my point of view and insists on my former point of view, and then I argue that her stance is better and then she just goes "WTF"
But normally that just leads to us laughing about it and still coming to a compromise. As long as we aren't hot-headed we've been fine.

Well mostly... certain topics we had... serious issues with when it came to compromising however. Still, the last time my wife "surrendered" sh-t just got swept under the rug as mentioned.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

humanbecoming said:


> So, for the surrendered spouse, how do you handle a situation where you are sure it's wrong, yet your spouse is sure they are right?


I've been in this situation a few times already in the past 9 years as I've been surrendering. I give my husband my opinion but support him in whatever he thinks needs to be done. I don't argue with him anymore I just let his decision stand. I trust him. He's put me on some serious roller coaster rides but I can honestly say it's all turned out well in the end.

The way I look at it now is I'm just along for the ride. It's his job to provide for me and our kids. HOW he does it isn't my business unless it's illegal or immoral. 

For the record I'm an accomplished CPA so I do have a back up plan. I think ALL women should be able to support themselves because you just never know what's going to happen these days.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

In decisions where there is differing opinions especially financial risk it is not unusual that someone has to compromise...it's a negotiation. If one member is fearful is is good to focus on the "fear factor" and talk through it.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

humanbecoming said:


> I'd like to throw out a question, totally open, and no set feelings on this- actually, something that occurred in my life. For a bit of explanation, I personally believe that marriage should be a partnership, a surrendering of BOTH spouses to the UNION.
> 
> Then things like this happen:
> In my career path, I had achieved a decent level of success, and had well proved myself. Considered one of the top my field, had done some consulting work due to this. I'm saying this because it's important to understand I am good at what I do.
> ...


Ha ha!

Human, 
Your wife sounds like mine.
Terribly afraid of risk while I just love taking risks in business.
We argue everytime a big opportunity comes up .
She usually " surrenders " to me because most of the risks in the past has paid off handsomely.
But she always try to remind me of the few times the risks didn't quite pay off like I had anticipated.

Funny thing is , late last year I mentioned to her that I saw another opportunity to invest in another business,[ this year] and she has not given any objection so far.....
Maybe she's " surrendered ?"


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Funny thing is , late last year I mentioned to her that I saw another opportunity to invest in another business,[ this year] and she has not given any objection so far.....
> Maybe she's " surrendered ?"


Well if THAT is surrendering then I have surrendered to my wife multiple times to her sound judgement...

Bah! I hate the word surrender! Bleh
I prefer "coming to understand her point of view and how her judgement is more sound then mine"... much better, what's the word for that?

Sometimes though she still does something so stupid it's unbelievable... GAH I CAN'T GET THE SCAM OUTTA MY HEAD lol


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My husband still wants to defer to me on occasion but I just can't. I don't know if it's age or all the therapy I've had but I'm not that alpha female anymore. I've gone soft.

So he has a choice either he steps up and handles what is his manly, leader of the house responsibility or it's not going get done. It really is as simple as that.

We laugh at the change so he's cool with this. I ran this marriage/house for 21 years and now it's his turn. LOL


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I don't know if I'm 'surrendered' exactly, I'd say my husband and I have spheres of influence in which we are pretty much in charge. Then the other has veto power.

I can't think of many times we have had such differences of opinion on anything so as to cause a standoff. If we do, either the one who cares most prevails or the one who can argue the most convincingly.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Lyris said:


> If we do, either the one who cares most prevails or the *one who can argue the most convincingly*.


LOL the problem with this method is that I'm GREAT at arguing so I always got my way. My husband jokes I should have been a prosecuting attorney.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> *I think ALL women should be able to support themselves because you just never know what's going to happen these days*.


:iagree: and very well said!


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> I think what is needed is a healthy balance of power within a relationship.
> A " healthy balance " will be different from couple to couple. It all depends on the type of personalities,and the dynamics of the relationship.
> 
> It would be disastrous to tell the wife of a laid back husband to be more surrendered. She is in the leadership role because he is the surrendered one. In any event, if they both consult with each other and have a good relationship,there is no need to change.
> ...


My husband is more passive while I am more assertive. I don't like to force my opinion whenever I don't agree with someone, but there were times I had to force my husband to comply. Like forcing him to see apartments together when we needed to move to a new one (the old one was having serious humidity problems), forcing him to check for new furniture for our home together, forcing him to get a suit or meet our photographer when we got married... I was quite annoyed and it made me a bit insecure sometimes, wondering why does he seem as if he's not caring enough. He would often complain about me forcing him to go along, but then end up complying.

Funny is, last year's x-mas, he wanted to hold the dinner at our home for our families, and I was not worrying much about it. I've thought that I'd let him take care of the situation and try to be less controlling. But to my surprise, he was only starting to worry about it in the last minute! So I had to help him by taking the lead and get everything we need.
With this situation, I concluded that it's not that he doesn't care, it's just his nature that he's too carefree sometimes.

I actually don't force him 'till the end of each decision of course. I make him join me to evaluate and decide what to do, but the final decision has to be made by both. I wouldn't want to have him live with anything he would not like. Whether choosing the apartment, furniture, or even just dishes at home. It was just his lack of initiative and action that I had to force him on.
And it seems that after some time, he actually was glad that I was more assertive.

Although on other issues, as well as finances control or how he want to take care of other house issues, are more up to his decisions and I trust him with that.

So I guess that it's really about balance in a couple.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

lilith23 said:


> But to my surprise, he was only starting to worry about it in the last minute! *So I had to help him by taking the lead and get everything we need.*
> With this situation, I concluded that it's not that he doesn't care, it's just his nature that he's too carefree sometimes.


I conclude that you've trained him to know you will bail him out if he screws up.

Been there done that with my own husband. Once I stopped rescuing him he stopped waiting till the last minute to worry about things.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

lilith23 said:


> My husband is more passive while I am more assertive. I don't like to force my opinion whenever I don't agree with someone, but there were times I had to force my husband to comply. Like forcing him to see apartments together when we needed to move to a new one (the old one was having serious humidity problems), forcing him to check for new furniture for our home together, forcing him to get a suit or meet our photographer when we got married... I was quite annoyed and it made me a bit insecure sometimes, wondering why does he seem as if he's not caring enough. He would often complain about me forcing him to go along, but then end up complying.
> 
> Funny is, last year's x-mas, he wanted to hold the dinner at our home for our families, and I was not worrying much about it. I've thought that I'd let him take care of the situation and try to be less controlling. But to my surprise, he was only starting to worry about it in the last minute! So I had to help him by taking the lead and get everything we need.
> With this situation, I concluded that it's not that he doesn't care, it's just his nature that he's too carefree sometimes.
> ...


My wife and I have a weird method .
I don't know if it's healthy or not , but it works.
I am the one who's always pushing to get things done , she's laid back. I control the general finances , she controls her own finances etc.
So we have everything in " compartments " and we function well.

Most times, when we have a difference of opinion, she allows my opinion.
However whenever she vehemently opposes something, I immediately back off, to avoid conflict , because from experience , I know she can be passive aggressive. She might say " yes",[ if I keep pressing her ] but never give it her 100% all, and that is hell to deal with, because I like knowing that she fully supports what I'm / we're doing. Her support is important to me emotionally.
So I try to avoid getting her like that at all costs.

Like I said, I don't know if it is a " healthy balance" but it works for us to keep conflicts down to a minimum.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> LOL the problem with this method is that I'm GREAT at arguing so I always got my way. My husband jokes I should have been a prosecuting attorney.


Ha ha!

I admire your honesty!

But I like women who can articulate a point of view well, and
" present her case."
Its almost like fencing or chess.

Yours seem to be a unique balance though.
But its all good.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

humanbecoming said:


> I'd like to throw out a question, totally open, and no set feelings on this- actually, something that occurred in my life. For a bit of explanation, I personally believe that marriage should be a partnership, a surrendering of BOTH spouses to the UNION.
> 
> Then things like this happen:
> In my career path, I had achieved a decent level of success, and had well proved myself. Considered one of the top my field, had done some consulting work due to this. I'm saying this because it's important to understand I am good at what I do.
> ...


they want you to lead! she was testing your resolve. 

and you manned up and did what you knew was best!
:smthumbup:


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> they want you to lead! she was testing your resolve.
> 
> and you manned up and did what you knew was best!
> :smthumbup:


LoL, no.

She was sobbing, in tears when I left, called several friends to have them try to talk me out of it, as well as her parents. Definitely wasn't a test.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I conclude that you've trained him to know you will bail him out if he screws up.
> 
> Been there done that with my own husband. Once I stopped rescuing him he stopped waiting till the last minute to worry about things.


Yep, you have to let them fall on their faces. Next time hopefully they will have learned their lesson and try to avoid it.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

Just wondering if I am being baited into a fight or giving in.... 

I have told H I will no longer apply for jobs, for him, and I will be turning over finances in Feb. He tells me last night, in an exasperated tone: "I have to work 40 hours, do the finances, and look for my own job." I am a SAHM and do everything else, including all of the typical man stuff, trash, fixing little things, yardwork. 

This comment made me feel guilty, like I don't contribute enough, and maybe I should just keep doing the job apps for him??

p.s. He was working and going to college (4yrs) but has recently decided not to go back anymore.


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## lostsoul25 (Dec 18, 2012)

wow I have not seen this at all, I am going to start reading, today is a really bad day for me though but maybe this is good that I logged in


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## lostsoul25 (Dec 18, 2012)

TrustInUs said:


> What I wonder is if there is anyway to politely give this book to a friend who has some control issues? She has acknowledged to some extent that she has controlling "ways" but I'm not sure if its appropriate to suggest this book for her marriage?


I am pretty sure if she is your friend she will be grateful that you care, I told my sister to buy it last week, she is reading it now, we all want to be better people so if we are in a bad place and someone enlightens us I dont think anyone will take that in a bad way unless one is being plain rude


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

LdyVenus said:


> Just wondering if I am being baited into a fight or giving in....
> 
> I have told H I will no longer apply for jobs, for him, and I will be turning over finances in Feb. He tells me last night, in an exasperated tone: "I have to work 40 hours, do the finances, and look for my own job." I am a SAHM and do everything else, including all of the typical man stuff, trash, fixing little things, yardwork.
> 
> ...


You're being baited. The author talks about this in her book.


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## lostsoul25 (Dec 18, 2012)

amanda1959 said:


> Kind of reminds me of my childhood dog "prince"....loved and fed him well but the minute the back yard gate was open he was gone! He would have never come back if I hadn't chased him. He was stupid and I ended up bringing him to the pound because he became to annoying and I was always late for school LOL....that was my surrender.


well if he started running than why chase him, he clearly didnt felt what you were doing was enough, and the book of course like every other book you take what works for you, but its more specific than not being controlling for major stuff, its just a general shift of communication and attitude


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## lostsoul25 (Dec 18, 2012)

ok most people here havent read it because your view of what she says you should be is not a doormat, you dont have to say yes to everything or not express what you want, but you have to stay out of his decisions, his way of doing things, his habits etc etc, I am still reading it but yeah the gist of it is to let go of the desire to control everything


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