# Say it's not to late...the Letter



## MOM2BELLA (Nov 18, 2008)

I've written in detail about my husbands cheating and how he walked out on me and my 1 year old child. Three months later he's still away. Even though I hate what he did, I realized how I contributed to the choices he made. I still want him back. You can read about my journey in my original post "Say its not too late"

So moving on, our custody hearing is on the March 23rd and I just wrote this letter to my husband today. I am going to give it to him when we go to do our taxes next week. We have been getting along well and I feel like this is the last ditch effort before I get served the divorce papers.

Everyone tell me what you think.
My therapist thinks I need to write the letter to him so I can say I did everything.

Here's what I wrote:



Roger,

I realize that our marriage will soon be over. But after almost 10 years together, I owe it to you to write this letter. Everything that I am writing is straight from my heart. 
I only wish that I could have found a way to express my feelings sooner. Maybe these words could have opened up our lines of communication and saved our relationship, making it stronger than we could have ever imagined. Sometimes when bad things happen, they open our eyes to things we should have seen. 

Even though, I miss you everyday, this has opened my eyes to the issues inside me that I never addressed before. So thank you for bringing my issues out in the open. 

Living with my mom as a child I never felt stable and secure. I never felt truly loved by her. When I met you I finally felt true love. But I knew that all my previous relationships never lasted. In those relationships I was used. 

When we got together, I realized that you were different and I wanted to find a way to make our relationship really work. 
I was constantly trying to prove to myself that you loved me without a doubt. For example, I would say...If he loved me he wouldn't look at other women. If he loved me he would do anything I asked. 

Those were unrealistic demands and I was very wrong. 

I take 100 % responsibility for destroying your love for me. You always loved me and supported me and instead of expressing my love back to you and excepting you for the great Man, Husband and Father that you had become, I just retreated into my own world. I made myself feel better about my shortcomings, but criticizing you for every little thing that I thought the outside world world place judgement on.

In reality, the things that I was criticizing you were for, were things that I possessed inside of me. Things that I believed that the outside world would judge me for.
I now know that I was wrong. My anxiety prevented me from enjoying my life and our relationship.

There are so many things about you that I admire. You are an outgoing, fun, self assured and laid back. Those are traits that I am working develop within myself.

I am truly sorry that in end, I could not make you happy. I did a lousy job as your wife. I didn't make you feel good about yourself or our marriage. 

All I ever wanted was to be your wife and your best friend, to have a family with YOU. The family we both always wanted. In the end my own insecurities prevented me from becoming too close to you. 

I regret that we were not more intimate. Honestly, I lay and bed and imagine making love to you one last time. Showing you my love you in a Physical way, in a way that I never really did. In the end your a man, and you had needs that I did meet. I have those same needs and I'm sorry.


Please forgive me for making you feel less than, and putting up a wall. You should have felt comfortable enough to talk to me and tell me what problems you were having in our marriage. I never meant to hurt you. All I ever really wanted was to know you loved me unconditionally and that you would never leave me. I just wanted us to be happy as a family. As husband and wife. 

I made a lot of mistakes that I wish I could take back , but I cant.

And while I know its too late. My one wish would be to start over fresh, and begin our love again. A love that was so pure, and real in the beginning. 
The way that it used to be, with our guard down and our hearts open.

During the last few weeks I have spend time with others and while they have a lot in common with me and are fun to be with, I know I could never feel anything real for them, because they're NOT you. You made me happy. And while my happiness is slowly coming back, it will never be the same without you. 
You brought out the best in me. 

You will always be my husband in my heart, and even though I don't want the divorce, I accept it.

My only regret is that our little girl wont have a chance to grow up in a home with both parents, who love each other as much as they both love her. 
We owe it to her to try again together. but I understand why you cant bring yourself to try again.

I sorry that you felt that our life had become routine. I felt that too, but didn't know how to change it. I do now. But its too late for us. 
I hope that we can remain friends, even though I still want more.

I will work everyday to grow more independent and become a better woman for Isabella's sake.
I want to be someone she can be proud of. Not for what I accomplish or what I can provide for her, but for the quality person I am and hopefully inspire her to be. 
I want her to feel about me, the way I felt towards my grandmother. The way I felt about you.

Thank you for spending the last 9 years of your life with me. I'll miss being with you, being your wife.


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## KyGuy (Oct 5, 2008)

I think your letter is amazing. It seems very heartfelt and honest. Reading it brought tears to my eyes, because some of the self-realizations you've come to are ones I wish my wife would recognize.

Best of luck to you. If he still loves you, your letter will have an impact.


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## in a daze (Feb 10, 2009)

loved the letter, but if you want to possibnly get back, there is too much " i know iots over" i know its too late" stuff in it. its never too late to make it work.


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## MOM2BELLA (Nov 18, 2008)

Thanks for letting me know what you think. I will give him the letter and tell him that it's his choice to read it. 
If I get no response, then I will know where I stand. 
I pray that the letter gets through to him and at the very least, 
makes him second guess the divorce.
He's been calling me at least once every day just to ask me trivial questions. I'm hoping that he is starting to miss what we had.

-Mom2Bella


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Ok, so my take on the letter...

First of all, NOTHING is 100% YOUR fault. Ok, so you made mistakes... Admitting your mistakes is HUGE, but I also have to say that the letter is a bit lengthy. I might re-think bringing up particular incidents and just stick to the facts. Truthfully, it sounds a bit needy. You need to add some confidence to it. After all, confidence is attractive. You have made mistakes, sure, but so has he. you might also mention that you love him as-is, and that you won't try to change him. Now the biggie... To show him that you are serious, seek counseling as well. If you truly understand that there is a problem on your part, you cannot fix it alone. You are going to need help.

Finally... He is with another woman during your marriage. He also has a bit of apologizing to do. When you got married, it was "for better or worse"... Not "when it's worse, I will bail". At some point, you will start to feel betrayed. Don't apologize for his affair. It is NOT your fault. HE made the decisions that he made.

Maybe ask him to reconsider the divorce and begin dating again. tell him that if he gives you 6 months and he still wants to leave, then you will understand. There is a child involved here, and everything has to be done to protect that child, short of putting yourself or someone else in total misery.

I asked my wife "What do you have to lose by trying to work it out? You can leave and be just as gone in 6 months."

I do wish you the best with this one.

~Moog


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

great letter. i hope it works for you. i wish you all the happiness. keep your head up. at least you can look your child in the eyes and say you did every thing you could to save your marriage


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Please let us know the results of you giving him the letter.


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## MOM2BELLA (Nov 18, 2008)

I will, however the stakes have changed. I sadly received divorce papers today. I doubt any letter will help at this point. I had asked him to refrain from serving me at the custody hearing, so he served me today, when I arrived home from work. 
Nice surprise, huh?


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## MBJOE (Nov 2, 2008)

Your letter was amazing to say the least. I wish you all the best , you will come out on top.. Your heart will lead the way.

Joe


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## goinknutts (Jan 13, 2009)

Your letter was heartfelt,and amazing.I can tell your pain and suffering from your posts.give him the letter anyway. please try to remember,the sun dont shine on the same dog everyday.be good to your self....


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## MOM2BELLA (Nov 18, 2008)

Thank you every one for your kind thoughts. I appreciate the input. I am still giving him the letter. I am going to totally back off though. I wasn't asking a lot, just for a bit more time. 
I have a feeling that this woman was pushing him. He's made his choice and while can't understand it, I respect his decision. 

I'm only 27 years old. Maybe this was meant to teach me something about myself and I'll come out a more enlightened person in the end.


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## MOM2BELLA (Nov 18, 2008)

So, I dropped my daughter off with my husband this morning.
He could tell I was upset. I didn't speak with him at all yesterday and then gave him the cold sholder when I picked Bella up last night. 

So, this morning I asked him if I could speak for a moment. 
I told him that i was not mad at him. I was just dissapointed 
I told him I did not expect to get the papers si soon, since our custody hearing isn't for another two weeks.

He tried to tell me that he had no idea that I was being served.
He says that he had contacted his lawyer and told him that I had requested not to be served at the hearing. My husband claims that he thought that the lawyer woukd serve me after the Heraing on March 23. He claims he had no idea. I don't know whether to believe him or not. He did seem surprised when I told him though.

I also told him that I was just holding on to hope that we may one day reconcile, but now I realize that that won't happen.
I told him that i just want him to be happy and if she makes him happy, then I understand. I told him I would sign the papers and be done with everything. I will not try to fight the divorce.
I am letting him go, eventhough I love him. 

The funny thing is that I feel like he loves me too, but he's too afraid to try again.

I will still give him the letter tomorrow. 
I'm not expecting a response from him. 
We'll see.

Mom2bella


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## MOM2BELLA (Nov 18, 2008)

I gave him the letter today. Then I saw him 2 hours later when when we went to our tax guy. He acted like nothing was wrong. 
My tax guy asked him if he'd considered counseling and he just responded by saying it's done. He then saw me on the way out and asked to say goodbye to Bella. 
I got lost getting home and called to ask for directions, but then my GPS turned back on so I said nevermind on the directions.
He texts me 5 minutes later to ask if I was ok getting home. 
I didn't text back. I have to see him tomorrow, when he drops the dog back off to my house. 

I feel so hopeless. I guess there's nothing left to do but sign the divorce papers.

Mom2Bella


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

MOM2,

I think you've blamed yourself enough...time to begin moving on and try to not be so hard on yourself. Good luck, anything I can do? 

Martino


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## MOM2BELLA (Nov 18, 2008)

I'm trying so hard to move on, but I miss him so much. 
I just don't understand why we can't get a second chance.
I don't get how he can just stop loving me.
I hate that I trust him so much, thought that he was one of the good guys and then he turned around and betrayed me.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

MOM2,

I feel bad for you. Is there any activities or hobbies you could reasonably take up that you haven't tried before?


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## jennifer22009 (Sep 19, 2009)

mom2 bella i cried a lot when i read all the things u wrote her , i dont know why i felt ,exreamly sad for you , maybye because i am in the same situation , but the diference is that my husband is not in relation with anyone , wich hurts me a lot because , i felt how stupid i was , making myself lost a faithfull man who loved and i didnt know how to treat him well , also because i am far from him so we just get out contact throw msn everday , but finally because of my fighting to him everyday online , and using some words like i dont want u and i want to divorce u , wich i never meant it from my heart , he said to me that it he who is going to do it , and in fact he cancelled my visa procedures , and i am sure that he is starting his divorce procedures , 
i just thought to send him a letter like the one u wrote , it could help or something but i really dont know what to do !! 
does someone can help me ? by an idea or what to do ? to dont let him go even after he is cancelling my visa to come to him to his own country cause we are not from the same nationality ? or it is too late ??


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Although your letter was too late to change his mind at this point I think it was important for you to write it - Almost therapeutic in nature to put your thoughts, emotions & feelings on paper. It is an emotional time for you & hopefully by putting somethings in black & white gave you some clarity & helped sort out some of your emotions. 

It is unfortunate that your husband did not acknowledge your heartfelt letter. I know you were hoping that it would change his mind but at least you can feel that you did all that you could do to let your husband know that you had learned from your mistakes & were willing to make changes. 
If I recall there is another woman in the picture & if that is the case, then he is probably too caught up in the "honeymoon phase" of his new relationship - that he can't see what he is loosing in you. And by the time he wakes up & realizes what a mistake he has made - it will be too late. 

I hope that your letter to him can serve as a 1st step in closure of this relationship. There will be plenty of baby steps that you will be taking in in the next several months as you not only divorce physically & emotionally. I think it is always tougher for those of us who did not want the divorce to take place but our significant other gave us no other option. All the years of dating and/or marriage are not just erased by a piece of paper that says "divorce". It is an emotional process that takes time to deal with & grieve the loss. 
I am so sorry your marriage has ended this way. But know that you will emerge from this a stronger person & will have learned from your mistakes & can those lessons into your next relationship. 
Best wishes!!


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