# My husband doesn't think I'm sexy anymore



## Fieryredhead (Feb 24, 2012)

We've only been married a year, but are both older (I'm 46 and he is 50), and over the last two years, I sold my property, horse and other livestock, and moved to the suburbs into his home. I basically changed my whole lifestyle, which was my call of course. However, during the last two years, I've also put on 25 pounds, and am struggling with getting it off, going up and down in weight. 

Over the last couple of months, our perfect sex life has rapidly dwindled down to a couple times a month, and I can tell he doesn't want to look at my naked body. 

I made the mistake of asking him if my weight gain was the reason he isn't very interested in sex anymore, and he said yes, mostly, but also my lack of motivation in getting fit. He said men are visual and appearance is so critical to attraction.

Even though I asked, when he said this, I felt so angry, disillusioned, ashamed, sad, and bitter. 

How do I overcome this situation? I am focusing on my fitness and weight with a vengeance now, but I still feel angry and do not want him to touch me.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Fieryredhead said:


> We've only been married a year, but are both older (I'm 46 and he is 50), and over the last two years, I sold my property, horse and other livestock, and moved to the suburbs into his home. I basically changed my whole lifestyle, which was my call of course. However, during the last two years, I've also put on 25 pounds, and am struggling with getting it off, going up and down in weight.
> 
> Over the last couple of months, our perfect sex life has rapidly dwindled down to a couple times a month, and I can tell he doesn't want to look at my naked body.
> 
> ...


you should be angry with yourself. you asked and he told the truth. 

you had the unrealistic veiw that once your married you could stop trying to look sexy for your husband because he loves you and love trumps all. 

what if you married him for his disposition and then after two years he started being over critical of you would you still find him sexy.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

You knew what the answer was...which is why you asked in the first place.

I know it's only human nature to feel hurt and to manifest that through anger, but you're really not justified in this case.

My sex life has dwindled down to a couple of times PER YEAR. I've gained a considerable amount of weight since we first met. If she told me this is the reason I'd have to find a way to lose the weight (pain from injuries + sports is the culprit) and not blame her. She fell in love with my 6 pack and I bring a keg and a half to bed everynight. Not fair.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Fieryredhead said:


> We've only been married a year, but are both older (I'm 46 and he is 50), and over the last two years, I sold my property, horse and other livestock, and moved to the suburbs into his home. I basically changed my whole lifestyle, which was my call of course. However, during the last two years, I've also put on 25 pounds, and am struggling with getting it off, going up and down in weight.
> 
> Over the last couple of months, our perfect sex life has rapidly dwindled down to a couple times a month, and I can tell he doesn't want to look at my naked body.
> 
> ...


I think you should really focus on trying to get yourself back in shape. I hate when men get all sulky about their wife gaining weight, yet they do nothing to be productive about it....One thing I have to say for my H is that he never outright said anything about me losing weight, well not losing, toning, but he did everything he could to get me to go to the gym with him, or we would take the kids hiking all the time in the summer, we would get active....I feel like if your H had that big of a problem with it, so much so that it was affecting your sex life, he should have been a little more proactive...

That being said when you are married I think you need to try just as hard to stay in shape and take care of yourself as you always have so that the attraction stays there...Under certain circumstances I know that gaining weight happens, but then once you're in the clear from whatever it is that made it happen, get back out there and work yourself back to where you were....


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Gotta wonder what it'll be like when you're both in your 60's...think it'll matter much how 'hot' either of you are? You can't base the whole marriage on appearances, especially since you're both older. Your husband especially, should be past all that.

Get up, get fit, try your best, and do it for yourself, not your selfish a$$ of a husband...


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## Fieryredhead (Feb 24, 2012)

Thanks for the feedback. I will continue to work to get back to where I was physically two years ago, that's for sure. I'm hoping a physical change will also help my confidence come back too.

And yes, the point about worrying about how "hot" I am or he is, when we are in our 50's and 60's is a good one. 

This is the first place my mind went, when he told me my weight was an issue. I kept thinking, what if I get a disease/cancer or injured/incapacitated in some way as I continue to get older? Will he leave? 

One last thing, I have been trying for two years, since I left my rural outdoor lifestyle, to get a sport, activity, or other active hobby for the two of us to do together, and he has not been interested in that. 

I finally decided recently that for my own sake, I would re-start horseback riding, and volunteer at a nearby horse rescue organization on my own, since time was passing and he has not been able to meet me halfway on coming up with a sport the two of us can do together.

Any other advice on how to move past this situation and back to feeling good about him and myself is appreciated.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> you should be angry with yourself. you asked and he told the truth.
> 
> you had the unrealistic veiw that once your married you could stop trying to look sexy for your husband because he loves you and love trumps all.
> 
> what if you married him for his disposition and then after two years he started being over critical of you would you still find him sexy.


Are you kidding me? it's only 25 pounds........ he sounds like an insensitive ass to be honest. 

You're in your late 40s, you're not supposed to have a body of a supermodel, I'm sure he isn't a spring chicken either.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Hearing about weight issues is hard, but on the other hand it is nice that you have a husband that can be honest about his feelings and needs. 

This board is filled with husbands and wives that are in sexless marriages and their spouses are completely unwilling to give even a clue as to what would fix it.

Some of us would kill for valuable information such as that.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

myfitnesspal.com


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## Fieryredhead (Feb 24, 2012)

Yes, his physical appearance has changed also, since he was a competitive mountain biker when we first got together, then had significant neck/herniated disk issues as well as needing an operation to get his bicep tendon replaced, which required a lot of time and physical therapy to recover from. So he has lost a lot of his muscular frame.

I had no problem with this, as I accepted the fact that we are older and I married him for more than his looks.

In any case, I do realize I should be thankful he answered honestly. I just need to figure out how to move on in a positive way since my emotions are in a tangle, and I do not feel attractive or attracted to him.


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## Fieryredhead (Feb 24, 2012)

thanks for the info on myfitnesspal.com. I'm starting Medifast on Monday, but can certainly use more tools to help me get fit!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Fieryredhead said:


> Yes, his physical appearance has changed also, since he was a competitive mountain biker when we first got together, then had significant neck/herniated disk issues as well as needing an operation to get his bicep tendon replaced, which required a lot of time and physical therapy to recover from. So he has lost a lot of his muscular frame.
> 
> I had no problem with this, as I accepted the fact that we are older and I married him for more than his looks.
> 
> In any case, I do realize I should be thankful he answered honestly. I just need to figure out how to move on in a positive way since my emotions are in a tangle, and I do not feel attractive or attracted to him.


I think he found a convenient opportunity to put how he really feels about himself off on you. 

My husband has gained several pounds since we were married almost 10 years ago. He readily admits to me that HE feels unattractive, and our sex life has been affected because of how he feels about himself. I don't have anything to do with it. I've gained too, but I feel attractive, and I still find him attractive. I don't press the issue with him because I know how he feels about himself is something he has to work on alone, but I'm supportive and make sure I tell him that no matter what he looks like I'll love him to pieces.

Work on yourself, but don't do it for him.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

You know, if he had a medical issue and lost a lot of his attractiveness, it is entirely possible that he is angry at medical issues he had that he couldn't control, and now interprets your weight gain as a response to his physical changes.

"I am now less attractive to my wife, who is obviously less concerned about her appearance since my medical issues."

Not a healthy way to think but it's possible.


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## Fieryredhead (Feb 24, 2012)

Wow. I never thought his feelings about himself being part of this issue. He has always been sensitive about his appearance when we are intimate. In fact, I've always been the one boosting his ego and telling him how much I desire him, because when we first got together, he was self-conscious about being naked with me and actually had some "performance issues." 

I had to assure him over and over that I found him attractive and sexy. He always thought I was too pretty for him, and "out of his league."

I thought this was all in the past, but perhaps not. 

Thank you for the continuing insights into this complicated issue. In a way, this actually makes me feel a lot less angry at him.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> you should be angry with yourself. you asked and he told the truth.
> 
> you had the unrealistic veiw that once your married you could stop trying to look sexy for your husband because he loves you and love trumps all.
> 
> what if you married him for his disposition and then after two years he started being over critical of you would you still find him sexy.


This woman is clearly in pain and is confused and hurt. Do you really think your smartass respoinse is what she needs to hear? She is not stupid. She came to this forum because she wanted someone to listen to her. Of course she knows the truth about what her husband thought, and it took guts to come out and ask. Confirming her fears is very painful. I just went through this for myself. 

Telling this woman that she got married and stopped trying to be sexy for her husband was a terrible thing to say. Empathy, you should look into it. Next time someone reaches out and is in pain, keep your opinions to yourself if you are just going to respond in a snippy way. Yes, yes, you have a right to your opinion, but please, think before you type. Some people need someone to listen, to understand. Don't make her feel worse.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Fieryredhead said:


> How do I overcome this situation? I am focusing on my fitness and weight with a vengeance now, but I still feel angry and do not want him to touch me.


I am in your exact position. Mid 40's, my body doesn't look like it did when I was 20. But it's not supposed to. The media bombards us with skinny super models, actresses, etc. etc. I even saw an anti-wrinkle commercial and the model in the add couldn't have been over 21.

It seems like in this country, you are doing something wrong by aging. Everyone ages, our bodies change. Our metabolism changes, gravity takes over. This is natural. It sucks and I hate it, but it is natural. So we middle aged women hit the gym, do yoga, etc. and don't get results like we did when we were younger. At our age, we should be thinking out the future, enjoying our lives, etc. Not worrying about how our bodies look to the person who swore to love you until death do you part. 

What grabbed me about your post is that you said you are going to in shape for YOU and you don't want him to touch you. When I get my figure back, if my hubby starts to rub against me, he is in or an earful. We are supposed to love who is inside. Every since we were little we were told that beauty is on the inside. It seems that when you grow up, if you are not a size 2 with no cellulite and you don't ever age, your life would be perfect. 

These young hard bodies are in for a rude awakening when they turn 40. It causes panic and lots of fear. IT SHOULDN'T CAUSE THOSE FEELINGS. That is part of life. 

This is no one's fault. Your husband is not too much of a **** for telling you the truth. When my husband told me the truth I had to do everything I could not to cry. I was planning on starting a workout regimen, but now I don't want him to know because I don't want him to think I am doing this for him. In the end, married or not, we only have ourselves. Do you like who you are? Do you love yourself? Are you a good person? Those are the important things. If having a large ass makes you a bad and unsexy person, than 85 percent of the people in the country would be *******s.

Please keep in touch with me since we are in the same boat. My friends don't get it, my family doesn't accept it, but I know you do. We can go through this together (and anyone else who wants to join in). We are so much more than our bodies. But we need constant reminding. Isn't life grand? :smthumbup:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Fieryredhead,

From what you have said, your life was pretty physical before you married. Anyone with horses and livestock is a pretty busy and physical person. Then you move to the suburb. This life change is huge. You got plenty of exercise before just doing what you had to do to keep your animals and property going. This had to be hard to give up. 

A friend of ours used to keep his 4 horses on our property and helped with their upkeep. It’s a lot of work. I miss those horses and doing things with them… darn.

It sounds like you are finding something like riding and being around animals that are more like your previous lifestyle.

Perhaps looking at adding more to your life along those lines would work for you. One thing that comes to mind is a dog. Do you like dogs? Do you have one? Having a dog who makes sure you take a long walk every day is a good way to go.

Do you like to dance? Get your husband to join some dance classes with you. That will make him put his efforts where his mouth is. And the two of you could have some fun at it.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Typical woman, you ask for a truthful answer, and when you get it are absolutely furious. Men read this, communication and being truthful do not mean communication and being truthful. 











Fieryredhead said:


> We've only been married a year, but are both older (I'm 46 and he is 50), and over the last two years, I sold my property, horse and other livestock, and moved to the suburbs into his home. I basically changed my whole lifestyle, which was my call of course. However, during the last two years, I've also put on 25 pounds, and am struggling with getting it off, going up and down in weight.
> 
> Over the last couple of months, our perfect sex life has rapidly dwindled down to a couple times a month, and I can tell he doesn't want to look at my naked body.
> 
> ...


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Maybe my answer was too flip. I think if your spouse tells you something that can be changed, you try to do it on both ends. 
He probably should have been more aware of your feelings and should not have used this opportunity for what was a hurtful commont. I think it is something both of you should try to get over.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Well I have a beautifull wife still the same weight as highschool but her attitude is a turn off.

for me attitude is everything. not a free pass to gain weight and to quit trying to look good but a few extra pounds wouldn't bother me if she had desire


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## Fieryredhead (Feb 24, 2012)

It's the attitude that is the problem now. I LOVED being intimate with him and thought our sex life was fabulous. 

We keep trying to discuss this issue to try and get past it and he keeps repeating his comment about how the visual of me has changed his desire for me. I keep asking him, how many times are you going to say that before you understand that it is like a fricking knife in my heart to hear it? 

NOW my ATTITUDE is changed...who wants to be intimate with someone who says their attraction to you is less than it was when you first were together? Do I really even want to be naked in front of him? NO. Do I want to hug him and have him touch my body when I am wondering if he is thinking, "ew, I feel flab around her waist," NO. 

This weekend he keeps asking, "so when are you going to want to have sex with me again?" Um....gee, let me think. I feel so good about myself right now, I just want to rip my clothes off and jump into bed with you, jiggles and all....NOT.


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## Fieryredhead (Feb 24, 2012)

By the way, I am 5' 8" and wear a size 10. Yes, I'm overweight, but NO I am not huge.


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## Fieryredhead (Feb 24, 2012)

to Elegirl, 
Thanks for the support. I do miss my lifestyle with horses a lot and will find a way to fix that soon. I have two dogs right now, and they are truly my lifesavers, as they are the only reminders of my old life. Unfortunately they are both too old for walks. I'm thinking of getting a more active dog to train and work with.

I do love to dance, but my husband has refused any kind of dancing with me since day one, so that is out.


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## Fieryredhead (Feb 24, 2012)

To endlessgrief,
Thanks so much for your post. I totally agree that we are bombarded by images of women that are unrealistic. Yes, I used to be a pretty 20 year old that caught the eye of most men, but guess what? I've aged, and that is something I cannot control. What about how loving, caring, nurturing and kind I am? What about my qualities as a loving wife? I guess when it all boils down, that is not as important as somehow trying to still look like I"m 20. 

Wanna know what my husband was doing this morning? Internet searches on the 2012 Sports Illustrated swimsuit models and Danica Patrick...yes, this is a man who is 50. Very mature.

I"d like to know what happened to the caring, sweet man I fell in love with, who I THOUGHT would be a great person to grow old with.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Fieryredhead said:


> to Elegirl,
> Thanks for the support. I do miss my lifestyle with horses a lot and will find a way to fix that soon. I have two dogs right now, and they are truly my lifesavers, as they are the only reminders of my old life. Unfortunately they are both too old for walks. I'm thinking of getting a more active dog to train and work with.
> 
> I do love to dance, but my husband has refused any kind of dancing with me since day one, so that is out.


Your husband keeps bringing up that men are visual. Perhaps you should bring up to him that women are emotional and need to spend time doing fun things with their spouse. Dancing is fun, emotionals and non-sexual intimacy. 

He wants you to lose weight. You want things with him. So obviously just as he wants you to do things for him he has to do something with you.

If he won't do go dancing then find some other physcial activity that you like and insist that he join you. One of the best things a couple can do is to find something they can do together and learn together.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

My heart aches for you because I am going through the exact same thing like I mentioned. It's like I lost something important in my heart, I am not the same. If he were to try to touch me now, I would not let him (I too have the same thought about what if he feels flab). Your husband sounds mean. Yes, we women want the truth, but put the snide comments away. I am so sick of hearing about this new hot Sports Illustrated girl. Have you noticed she has no hips? From the waist down she resembles a 15 year old boy.

About the media, do you realize that if Marilyn Monroe were alive today and young, she would be considered fat? She had lots of curves and men are supposed to like curves. Now, men want what they see on tv, 19 year olds with fake boobs and no hips. We can't compete. How about every time we turn on the tv, there is some new weight loss pill or drink mostly for women only. Some woman will say "I lost 50 pounds on this pill and now my husband can't keep his hands off me." What kind of message does that send? 

At this point, skinny or not, I don't know if I will ever let him touch me again. He used to tell me that he would want me no matter how I looked. I feel betrayed and very bitter. I am walking around like a zombie. What steps are you doing to deal with this emotionally? I stayed with him 20 years, a raging alcoholic. I put up with drunken nights, sleepless worry filled night. I stayed. He gained almost 100 pounds and I never said a word because I still loved him. 

And here we are with the same question. When WE get back into shape, we will be doing it for ourselves, however, what happens when and if they find us attractive again? Forget this time in our lives? Forget the hurt? My self-esteem is in the toilet, but when I get it back, I may be different. You may be different. We will be stronger. In the grand scheme of things, a little jiggle around the tummy is nothing compared to love, respect, memories, etc.

Hey, we should go to the burka store and buy those robes that cover us from head to toe so our looks don't offend our husbands until we lose the weight. Would that make them happy? ha ha

Do you find yourself hiding your body by big clothes and robes when he is around? Do you lock the bathroom door so he can't see you naked in the bath? I do. That is no way to live.


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## KJ5000 (May 29, 2011)

Fieryredhead said:


> We've only been married a year, but are both older (I'm 46 and he is 50), and over the last two years, I sold my property, horse and other livestock, and moved to the suburbs into his home. I basically changed my whole lifestyle, which was my call of course. However, during the last two years, I've also put on 25 pounds, and am struggling with getting it off, going up and down in weight.
> 
> Over the last couple of months, our perfect sex life has rapidly dwindled down to a couple times a month, and I can tell he doesn't want to look at my naked body.
> 
> ...


You will be motivated to get in GREAT SHAPE but it won't be for your husband. You'll have too much anger and resentment and your new body will be for your new man. Hope I'm wrong but I've seen it happen before. More than once.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Fieryredhead said:


> To endlessgrief,
> Thanks so much for your post. I totally agree that we are bombarded by images of women that are unrealistic. Yes, I used to be a pretty 20 year old that caught the eye of most men, but guess what? I've aged, and that is something I cannot control. What about how loving, caring, nurturing and kind I am? What about my qualities as a loving wife? I guess when it all boils down, that is not as important as somehow trying to still look like I"m 20.
> 
> Wanna know what my husband was doing this morning? Internet searches on the 2012 Sports Illustrated swimsuit models and Danica Patrick...yes, this is a man who is 50. Very mature.
> ...


Men like your husband need to grow up. 50 years old and still at the same stage as a 12 year old boy sneaking a peak at his mom's Sears Catalogue. If I hear 'men are visual' one more time, I think I'm going to throw up. I happen to think that I still look great, even though I'm almost 42; if my husband doesn't think so, then that's his problem. I didn't know him when he was young, but I can bet you dollars to doughnuts that he had a better physique back then; does it matter to me? Not one bit. I'm mature enough to know that a 47 year old man isn't going to look 25...no matter how many hours he spends in the gym. Sure, there may be the odd freak body builder out there who is rock solid at 50, but that's the extreme. Nevermind Hollywood celebrities...Most regular people look like most regular people, and there's nothing wrong with that.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Thought I'd offer a little insight since my wife sometimes struggles with her own self-image, even without the types of comments that your husband made. She has struggled off and on for years with self-image problems largely, I believe, because her father was incredibly insensitive in picking on her as a young woman. We're both 47 now. 

It doesn't take away from how hurtful his answers were, but I think men can often be less aware of where our feelings come from when things are wrong. I'm not trying to rationalize his behavior, but I couldn't help but wonder if there was more to it. Its hard to put into words, but as a man, when I really work on keeping the relationship close, I'm also really more aware of my wife's beauty, the real beauty that never fades with age. I do think that if he is careful to work hard to maintain intimacy, he'll mature in his appreciation of your beauty.

To be honest, my wife and I tend to be different from many couples. I'm the dreamer. I also really looked forward to growing older with her, and accepted those changes with no comparison of her youth. Maybe its because she first noticed me because I was very athletic, when I struggled for a time with a muscle disease, before learning to overcome, she was the one who really didn't know how to handle the change. For a while, I really weakened, and her comments stung. I recovered, and even participated in a clinical study on slow aging in another part of the research hospital because of the strange way my muscle cells seem to recover(they assessed me at an appearance age of 28).

But - back to your situation ... When my wife struggles with self-image, she admitted that it becomes harder for her to accept herself, and accept the fact that I could consider her to be beautiful. She could ask, and if I'm cornered, I'll cry uncle and admit that she has gained a bit of weight (I hate that line of questioning). But she said that her real problem in the past was in accepting that a man is capable of acknowledging that her appearance has changed a bit, while still considering her to be incredibly beautiful. 

My point is that if the two of you can restore the level of intimacy and the way he was always focused on you, as a person, in the beginning, he should be able to mature past this superficial stage. If there is real depth to his character as a man, he should learn from this. I would hate for you to let it hurt your own self-image. The problem is that your relationship is still relatively young, so I'm hoping that this would end up being a transient stage where he is confusing a brief lull in emotions with attraction. 

I feel like I'm doing a poor job of trying to explain...


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## Fieryredhead (Feb 24, 2012)

Thanks to Halien and others for your thoughts. It's been three months, and I'm down 17 pounds. I still have about ten pounds to go, but the problem with my husband remains the same. I asked again this past weekend, after three weeks without sex -- "what do we need to do to have a better intimate relationship?" And the answer remains the same, although now he's also added that it's not just about me being thinner, it's about me being physically active and "sporty" that turns him on. Therefore, the fact that I'm simply thinner, is still not meeting the criteria for sexual attractiveness. 

This time I told him I'm concerned because as older people, neither of us are supermodels, and that is certainly going to continue to be the case, no matter how "active" I am. I said it was a shame that we can't enjoy the pleasures of enjoying each other's healthy bodies because we aren't meeting some standard of perfection. I asked him to please think about that.

He had no answer and said he couldn't think of anything to say.

So, 17 pounds later, I'm back to square one. Lack of desire from my husband and drastically diminishing self-esteem. 

I really want this marriage to work, but how do I live the rest of my life (and grow old) with someone who doesn't see me as desirable now?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Is this really about weight?

I think his comment here:


> it's not just about me being thinner, it's about me being physically active and "sporty" that turns him on.


And your original post here:



> We've only been married a year, but are both older (I'm 46 and he is 50), and *over the last two years, I sold my property, horse and other livestock, and moved to the suburbs into his home. I basically changed my whole lifestyle,* which was my call of course. However, during the last two years, I've also put on 25 pounds, and am struggling with getting it off, going up and down in weight.


To me, it sounds like he fell in love with you when you were the woman with the lifestyle that you gave up in order to be with him. Nice catch-22 there?

What activities can you two do together that you would both enjoy? Are there outdoor, physical activities that would be fun for you, like biking or hiking or tennis or martial arts? Is there somewhere you can ride?

Are you happy in the suburbs without any elements of your former life? Can you bring some of those back? Have you found a place for yourself in your new lifestyle?


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## mommyofthree (Jan 7, 2012)

After I had my 1st child I was much bigger.My hubby told me one night he loved me but did not find me physicallt attractive anymore. I was devestated to say the least.I stayed with him and we now have 3 kids

I recently (January) decided I wanted to look better for ME so I did.Im down 18 pounds and he came home on a weekend and said to me that I focus to much on my wanting to lose weight and that he does not care how I look and if he did care he would not buy me burgers on the weekend. 
It was a hurt full statement...felt like he was trying to make me fail.Ive been feeling so damn proud of myself and he thinks its all about him and says he sees no difference in me.

YOU HAVE TO DO IT FOR YOU!! Who cares about his wants in this right now.You do it for you.Your self esteem will grow.

I still had sex with him when he was being selfish but I did so cause I wanted sex.I found with my hubby that when I started thinking "who the hell cares..this is for me" and I just did my own thing..he came around and now loves touching me in bed.

I think my growing self esteem and ignoring him (not rudely) except when I wanted sex made him want me again.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

I am continually surprised by the lack of connection between spouses on this forum. I am not saying my marriage is perfect because I wouldn't be here if it was. We have our own share of problems. 

But when I gained weight a few years ago my husband never made me feel less beautiful. He continued to tell me that he wanted me to be healthy and it wasn't ok to not do anything about it. But I was never made to feel like a turn off to him. In the end our connection with each other mattered more than what one another looks like. I lost the weight but it wasn't because I was made to feel unattractive by my husband.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

That question was a trap and always is because if a person says yes you did gain weight then feeling are hurt like in this case but if you say no then you are lying and its not helpful and the one partner has to keep their felling inside which may cause more anger.

You are working on the weight great job because there is not better way to get back at somebody then success.

You can also look at how you dress because a lot of larger women look hot as hell because of the clothes they wear so go find some clothes that bring out your shape,because remember most of us men are visual people. 

You want to get more physical with him then don't wait for him to start things unzip his pants and just go for it [he will respond]when he is in bed [BJ/HJ] then hop on board and maybe you could say this fitness thing has gotten me very horny so he will want to encourage you more.


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## Template (Aug 2, 2011)

Fieryredhead said:


> Thanks to Halien and others for your thoughts. It's been three months, and I'm down 17 pounds. I still have about ten pounds to go, but the problem with my husband remains the same. I asked again this past weekend, after three weeks without sex -- "what do we need to do to have a better intimate relationship?" And the answer remains the same, although now he's also added that it's not just about me being thinner, it's about me being physically active and "sporty" that turns him on. Therefore, the fact that I'm simply thinner, is still not meeting the criteria for sexual attractiveness.
> 
> This time I told him I'm concerned because as older people, neither of us are supermodels, and that is certainly going to continue to be the case, no matter how "active" I am. I said it was a shame that we can't enjoy the pleasures of enjoying each other's healthy bodies because we aren't meeting some standard of perfection. I asked him to please think about that.
> 
> ...


I am in the same boat, except with a 40 year marriage. Got the ultimatum, lost the weight, but I no longer have any romantic feelings for him. 
He is very visual. He loves posters, calendars, magazines with 20 year old hotties. Anything with Danica Patrick gets his immediate and undivided attention. I do not look at his computer history, but given the stuff he leaves around the house and hangs in the garage and basement, I suspect he is watching porn online, as well. He is 65.

So, what is a girl to do? I do not think I will ever feel the same about him. He was too mean while I was losing weight, always criticizing me because he thought I did not lose fast enough. He had a whole laundry list of things he wanted me to "fix" in order to be attractive, including not wearing my glasses in his presence and wearing my hair long and colored too dark for my coloring. He has offered me plastic surgery to have my face lifted. It is a never ending process by which I would be more appealing if I did this or that or tightened up that spot or this spot.

I have given it a lot of thought and I think it is more about H than it was about me. Maybe it is his getting older. I think he wishes he had a Danica Patrick on his arm rather than an older woman like me. I will never look like a 20 year old model or celebrity. The best I will look like is a thin 60 year old. I do not want to be naked in his presence. I do not enjoy his touch. I have no self esteem left. 

So, I decided to set him free to find his physical ideal. Why should he be stuck with an old Ford that needs constant tune ups and a new paint job when he could have a Porsche? He will be served with divorce papers shortly.

Red, you do not need this. Kudos on the weight loss. You can firm up with exercise if you want, but my suspicion is that if you do, he will find some other flaw in your appearance. After all, he is attracted to Danica Patrick (what is it with her, anyway?) and you will never be her. If you can never be truly intimate with him, if you can never trust him with your feelings, what is the point of being with him? Do what makes you happy and if it makes him happy, fine. If not, buy him a Danica poster on your way out the door.


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## Fieryredhead (Feb 24, 2012)

Thanks Norajane...your thoughts have given me something to think about. I have to admit, I've felt resentful sometimes that I gave up my great lifestyle to come to the suburbs, where I never wanted to be, but it was better for our work commutes, finances, etc. to sell my place and live in his. So, how ironic that I get to suffer twice because of this decision -- 1) losing my animals and rural home, 2) not being the outdoor person he fell in love with.

To compound things further, he has fought me on getting animals at his place. He has horse property, as where we live is a county island in the city...so technically, I could have everything I had before in terms of horses, livestock, etc. but it has taken a lot of discussion and effort to get him to agree to me even getting some hens so we can have fresh eggs. Sounds stupid to most of you, I'm sure, but to me, its something I like, raising chickens and having them add some lively chatter to the otherwise sterile backyard of perfectly mowed grass...anyway, I will push harder on this, and am continuing to find my own ways to be active in this part of town. 
Yesterday I finally quit his gym, since it is too big and I never felt comfortable there. The only reason I joined his was because he refused to go to mine. The idea was we would work out together...well, two years have gone by and we've worked out there together twice. So, going back to my old gym that I feel more comfortable in. 
Thanks for the insight into the lifestyle issue...I do now think this is a big part of the problem...thanks so much.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Fiery, you sound like one together woman! Nothing wrong with you at all. I wish you all the best.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> anyway, I will push harder on this, and am continuing to find my own ways to be active in this part of town.


Yes, do push harder. Point out to him that you gave up everything so you can be with him, and he doesn't like who you are now that you have given up everything.

Tell him you've done it his way and it is clearly destroying your marriage (and your soul), so it's time to try things your way for a while!

And I get the land and chicken and animal thing. My parents grew up in mountain villages, so when they moved here, they tried to have some of that by keeping hens and planting a huge veggie garden every year. It's who they are, and very important to them.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

Fieryredhead said:


> Therefore, the fact that I'm simply thinner, is still not meeting the criteria for sexual attractiveness.
> 
> ...
> 
> ...


Oh hai... Well, I wasn't around on here 3 months ago when you first asked this, so I started reading a bit after your first post - first things first though. My wife is a redhead, and since you're username and presumably self description is that you're a fiery redhead... that caught my attention. I've mentioned this in other posts, along the way of trying to fix my marriage issues, I made a list of things I like about my wife - and one of them was that I'm a lucky man because I view redheads as Ferrari's among women.

Now, having also achieved a complete reversal of a downturn in my marriage, and that having been done with a great deal of connection, at least in my mind, with starting to read the book Married Man's Sex Life, I have some thoughts that I would like to share which the book helped clarify in my mind.

So it does seem this is, according to you, about his being attracted to you. There seems to have been a lot of focus on weight. There has probably been something like a 20 lb. range of variation my wife has had the entire time I've known her and I wouldn't be able to say I've ever known the difference. I noticed when she got breast implants, but for some dumb reason she even decided to get lipo and I couldn't tell much difference.

Here's something I noticed today.. which is a little funny, she didn't notice. I'd stopped home for lunch, she was done eating by the time I got there. Tues. and Thurs. she works from home, she works for her mom so she has flexibility and usually goes to the gym those days and does laundry and cleaning besides doing work... Anyway, she was carrying the vacuum cleaner and about to go up the stairs and I commented that I liked her posture. She walked by with a smile on her face and went into a posture of her back being arched and her chest sticking out. She didn't even realize it, but I've caught her doing that here and there since we made up and I think it's sexy and a sign of our connection being in good order.

There's a point. Attractiveness of a woman in the eyes of a man is about more things than weight. MMSL talks about these things... One other thing that would affect your attractiveness would be if other men want you. It's worth pointing out that this aspect can be changed by commitment, if you take yourself off the market you lose whatever points it used to be contributing to your attractiveness... Maybe if you had some male friends it'd make you more attractive. If you went to the gym looking good, he might perceive that other men might look at you?

The self esteem is a vicious cycle too, obviously.

A lot of attraction is biological, so in the most basic sense, remember that men's attraction to women is biologically about making babies.. I have to use MMSL in reverse a little here, he mentions physical traits in women like a 0.7 waist to hip ratio, health, tallness, chest... Well maybe men are visual, but you can deal with some of this with clothes of course - push-up bras, heels... clothing that looks appealing is often designed to emphasize the appearance of the length of the legs.

I mean.. you're 45, you're not dead. Women your age don't look bad, and they have experience!

So you say you've lost interest now. Sounds like you need to get him to pursue you. Well, I guess worry about that second - if he doesn't pursue you when you do the things that would make any man pursue you, obviously you could get pursued by someone else.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

Template said:


> Anything with Danica Patrick gets his immediate and undivided attention.


Seems as good an excuse as any to extend my Ferrari comment... As someone into cars, I'm also aware that supercars tend to be hi-maintenance, but nobody thinks about that. I mean, the idea is it's worth it.. Perhaps a side note, but in my situation the problem was I was doing better as my Ferrari's mechanic than as her driver. Sounds like once he took ownership of you, he just parked you in the garage


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## Fieryredhead (Feb 24, 2012)

Template, I'm so wowed by your response. It is so sad, so true and so frustrating on all levels. I do agree that a good part, if not all, is my husband's issue...growing older, seeing lots of young teen and twenties models as the ideal "woman,"-- even though they are really still "girls,"-- are all part of the issue, I'm sure. 

He always prided himself on his physicality, athleticism, etc. So, now, guess what, he's 50 and married a 46 year old...what does he do now?

Well, like your husband, he is on the road to screwing up the possibility of having a lovely, committed relationship in his older years, in the pursuit of some perfect, young woman, who, even if he did find a young woman, would most likely be in the relationship for a whole bunch of other, more self-centered reasons.

Ironically, although you are setting your husband free to find his physical ideal, I'm betting Danica will not be interested...nor will anyone else like her, unless he makes a ton of money.

Part of me is angry about that with my husband too, that he thinks he could actually find someone better, who would make his life happier, and that I am not living up to his standards...yes, he makes a good living, but so do I. yes, he is attractive, but not model or celebrity worthy! 

I guess time will tell whether he will end up alone again. 

Before we got married, I felt great about myself. I thought I looked great and had no esteem issues. So, whether you and I end up alone or not, we deserve to feel beautiful and happy. I was happily single for 16 years after my first marriage ended, never feeling the need to have another husband, and putting all my energy into raising my son, and growing my career--those were my two passions. I loved my life. 

I made a choice to go into this marriage because I really liked my husband and respected him, and thought we were very compatible in our personalities. The bonus was the fantastic intimacy we also found out we had. 

I had no idea my attractiveness would ever come up -- assuming that he was walking into this with his eyes open about the fact he was marrying a 46 year old, not a 26 year old...how could this now be a surprise????????????????? 

Good luck to you. I admire your bravery in deciding to leave, after 40 years of marriage. Life is too short, thanks for reminding me.

PS. Here are my thoughts about Danica Patrick. She is very young, very rich, and into sports -- that's the description of most men's ideal woman, right?


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

Fieryredhead said:


> PS. Here are my thoughts about Danica Patrick. She is very young, very rich, and into sports -- that's the description of most men's ideal woman, right?


On that I'll respond, particularly since I think she's okay but I'm only infatuated with one woman, mine. Those are nice attributes, but her physical appearance is okay or maybe even good, but not great. Some might feel otherwise I guess. She also seems too alpha.


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## Fieryredhead (Feb 24, 2012)

Thanks WillK, for your insights from the man's perspective! And congrats for turning your marriage into the joyful relationship it should be. I am going to look into the book, Married Man's Sex Life, for my husband. Maybe it will give him something to think about. 

I have thought about the fact that I did take myself "off the market" when we got married, and I did notice a change in his behavior at that time. I know he likes "the chase" and as an avid hunter, that is a compelling theme for him...however, I guess I need to find ways to work on making him pursue me.

I have never been one to encourage flirtation. But, I have always had male friends, usually at work, often of the type who flattered, but never crossed the line. 

When I started my weight loss regime, one of my male friends/coworkers who I talk to a lot asked me why I was even on a diet. 

I do dress well, since I think it's important to look nice both at work and outside of work, and esp. since I'm older and feel there are certain "standards" to uphold!  But I can tell you it is a RARE day when my husband will notice what I have on and say something complimentary. This lack of compliments has been an issue from day one and I've tried talking, talking, talking about how important a quick little comment is in nurturing happy feelings, to no avail...he seems incapable except for maybe once every few weeks, in noticing and/or complimenting my appearance.

Then when I say something about that, he says "you are always beautiful, why do I have to say it?" as if that somehow solves the issue...

And you are right, feeling sexy and pretty leads to more men noticing me, as I seem to put out some sort of confidence/sexiness aura...this is awfully hard to maintain in a vacuum.

I'll give one other example. From the time we started sleeping together, I started buying and wearing sexy nighties every night...EVERY NIGHT. Not trashy, just sexy and in a variety of styles, colors, etc. I even would ask him "which one should I wear tonight?"...part of this was because he told me how awful it was that his last longtime girlfriend would only wear ripped up old T-shirts to bed and he hated that. 

So, now we are four years into our relationship, and I have upheld my commitment to wearing a sexy nightie EVERY night. BUT does he say anything, notice anything or ever comment? NOPE. Unless I bring it up, he says nothing. From time to time I will still ask him which one I should wear, but most of the time, I just pick one myself and say nothing. 

Bottom line, your comment about buying the Ferrari and then parking it in the garage feels pretty true.

Anyway, thanks again and I will use your insights to try to help me turn my marriage around, like you did yours. Sounds like you and your wife are on the right track, which is great and gives me hope!!


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

Well.. see, the reason MMSL helped me was my wife had lost the emotional connection with me. I still wanted to be married to her, she was about to seperate. I had even had epiphanies about the way that I responded to her anger - that instead of reacting, I needed to listen.. And these things seemed to help - they stopped the rift between us from growing, but I hadn't found the change I needed to make to attract my wife back to me.

It sounds like the problem here is different. See... I'm a nice guy, and in the parlance of the book my primary personality type would be a beta. I lacked the type of animal attraction - the taking charge type personality that the book speaks of as alpha.

In your case, it sounds like your husband is more likely primarily an alpha type. I think the book might be helpful to you in understanding him and/or men better. The book seems oriented to helping nice guys like me be sexier... I never thought much about whether it says enough about how to become more beta-ier... 

Ever think about hiding your nice nighties under an old t-shirt? Kind of give him something to realize that something he likes is being lost, and he might want to think about pursuing it - but wait, if i tear this off , hey there it is!


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I consider myself lucky not to know who 'Danica Patrick' (or any other Maxim / Playboy model (or whatever) is ... makes life a hell of a lot easier to NOT be constantly comparing myself to the 25 year old 'hotties'.

Guess what? I had my turn at being a 25 year old hottie  I, too, aged. And I'm good with that.


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## Fieryredhead (Feb 24, 2012)

CandieGirl,
Yep, and I remember how disgusted, grossed out and pathetic I thought the "older" guys, married men and unhappy husbands who eyed me or hit on me were when I was the 25 year old hottie...


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> I consider myself lucky not to know who 'Danica Patrick' (or any other Maxim / Playboy model (or whatever) is ... makes life a hell of a lot easier to NOT be constantly comparing myself to the 25 year old 'hotties'.
> 
> Guess what? I had my turn at being a 25 year old hottie  I, too, aged. And I'm good with that.


Danica Patrick is a race car driver from Indycar that's now racing in NASCAR, and she's picked up some sponsorship from Go Daddy who has used her in some comercials. She's been sexualized a bit, but IMO if you just went by looks, I don't think she'd be poster material. She became marketable because she is in a male dominated sport and has some looks.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

It doesn't matter who any of these bits of fluff are, Fiery. Men above a certain age who obsess over these women are ridiculous in my eyes (posters, calendars, websites, etc.). It's very juvenile behaviour; as I think I stated when I first posted in this thread back in Feb.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

WillK said:


> Danica Patrick is a race car driver from Indycar that's now racing in NASCAR, and she's picked up some sponsorship from Go Daddy who has used her in some comercials. She's been sexualized a bit, but IMO if you just went by looks, I don't think she'd be poster material. She became marketable because she is in a male dominated sport and has some looks.


Peuh! Still don't care


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

Okay. True, it isn't that relevant. Why are we talking about her? Seriously. My dad is still married to my mom. Growing up he had a poster of Farrah Faucet in the garage. A poster isn't something to jump to conclusions about. Does the poster have stains on it or have you caught him alone with the poster and a jar of vaseline if you know what I mean? Or is there otherwise any real reason to feel threatened?

See... I don't have any posters up, but I'm a nice guy and I wouldn't do that because I wouldn't want to have my wife feel threatened that way. I had posters before I got married, but it's not like I thought I was going to pursue Cindy Crawford or Claudia Schiffer (posters I had in high school). I do attribute one of those posters to why I find my wife so hot in jeans with no top tho.

Here's an idea.. what kind of car do you drive? Maybe you could get into this with him:
The Sports Car Club of America - Solo


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## Fieryredhead (Feb 24, 2012)

WillK and CandieGirl, 
You are making me giggle on this Danica Patrick thing...honestly, my husband doesn't have any posters, calendars, magazines, that I know of, although he did use my computer to search for Danica Patrick images...so I am not going to worry about it at this point. 

In his case, I think it is a symptom of something deeper, namely wanting TO BE and TO BE WITH a young, hardbody and struggling to deal with being middle-aged and married to a woman who is middle-aged. 

And that whole mindset is juvenile, as CandieGirl pointed out in Feb.

Thanks to you both for the continued focus. I really appreciate it.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

Well... okay, so is he or is he not into automobile racing? I mean... it's a competitive sport, and seriously I dunno - he sounds like that could be something with the potential to do together and be kind of competitive and maybe bond or whatever. 

I know maybe this might take some elaboration, and maybe I'm wasting my time elaborating if cars do nothing whatsoever for you, but SCCA Solo II is an amatuer automotive racing competition that's run all over the country. You bring your car, you run a single timed lap on a course set up in a parking lot using cones.


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## Fieryredhead (Feb 24, 2012)

Thanks WillK,
I will mention the SCCA solo II to my husband, although I am pretty sure he won't be interested, since, other than Danica Patrick, I've never seen any interest in racing.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

WillK said:


> Seems as good an excuse as any to extend my Ferrari comment... As someone into cars, I'm also aware that supercars tend to be hi-maintenance, but nobody thinks about that. I mean, the idea is it's worth it.. Perhaps a side note, but in my situation the problem was I was doing better as my Ferrari's mechanic than as her driver. Sounds like once he took ownership of you, he just parked you in the garage


Reminds me of my Grandfathers marriage advice. He was a mechanic and owned a gas station.

He said "Son, if you buy a Porsche everyone will want to take a ride, but if you buy a Chevy you'll get there all the same and you'll have her all to yourself" 

Loved my Gramps....


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## Fieryredhead (Feb 24, 2012)

:smthumbup: cute.


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