# Feels like it's all come apart...



## savemyfamily (Aug 30, 2010)

I've been married for 5 years to a sweet, gentle, honest, smart, sexy, funny and very loving man. Sounds wonderful, right? At times, it really is. I never thought I would find someone who really loves the REAL me and I believe that he does. I know that is rare and I value that very much. 
The trouble is: my life is complicated. I was married briefly in my 20's (to a real loser) who I made 2 babies with. My kids were my entire life for 7-8 years until I met my husband. We met online through a dating site. He lived in the UK while I lived 5000 miles away here in Canada. We struggled through nearly 5 years of "dating" long distance. He visited me quite a few times and I went over there too, even taking my kids and my mom along the second time. 
I was living the life of a working single mom. It wasn't easy and I rarely had time to myself. He was living the life of a single guy who had never been married- no kids. He didn't even have a pet! Needless to say, he came and went as he pleased and his life was completely on his own terms. 
Almost 7 years ago, he left everything behind-- sold his house and car, left his parents, his job and his home country to come to Canada and marry me. There were challenges from the very start. My kids weren't used to having another parent to answer to, and I was a more permissive parent than I probably should have been in hindsight. I worked long hours at my nursing job and when I came home it was easier to feed the kids what they wanted or let them do what they wanted more than I should have. This was hard for my husband to deal with, since he had no experience with parenting and all he had to compare to was his own upbringing. 
I think it's quite normal for kids to have a hard time accepting a new step-parent. My daughter refused to accept it. She was 13 at the time and things just went from bad to worse with her. She gave us a terrible time. As her mom I have forgiven her for all of that and I have some understanding of why she behaved the way she did. Unfortunately my husband didn't feel the same. His resentment and dislike of her grew and grew until he couldn't stand being around her. He has actually told me he hates her:-( She's 20 now and lives out on her own. I'm not sure what I could have done better to prevent all that pain we went through, but my daughter and I have a good relationship now. She's growing up, but like all young adults she still needs me for advice and help. My husband is kind and polite to her, but he still doesn't like her. 
My son is a little younger and he seemed to adjust to the marriage a lot better than my daughter. He used to enjoy doing things with my husband, but since he's become a teenager their relationship seems to have pretty much disappeared. They barely speak- only when necessary. It really makes me sad. 

The main issue that we've had is that my husband hasn't had a paying job since he moved to Canada. He's a software developer. He's gone back to school part time and has learned some new programming skills and he's doing an unpaid job to build his resume. We have spent pretty much all of his savings and the proceeds from the sale of his house. Part of that is tied up in the value or our home and a rental property though. Without his money, we certainly wouldn't have the house we are living in now. From time to time, we have a discussion about it and I get upset because he hasn't found work. I beg him to get a job-- any job! He tells me how he hates his life and he's not happy. He knows that a big part of that is because he doesn't have his own career and he's at home so much. Then time marches on and nothing changes. 

My kids have both complained over and over to me about it. They feel like I'm being taken advantage of. Of course they don't realize that he HAS contributed money- they just see me working and him NOT working. Sadly, they don't have much respect left for him after all this time. 
It breaks my heart to see that the people I love most in the world DON'T love each other. It's like being in the middle and trying to share myself with them all without hurting anyone. He knows that my children are the most important people in my world...but he somehow had this fantasy that once they turned 18 they would be out of his life. I think he's realizing they will always be a part of our lives and this seems to depress him. As a mother, having my kids leave the nest isn't easy so I know it's going to be very hard for me when my son finally leaves. Being their mother is such a big part of who I am and I hope to never be far from them. It kills me to know that my husband is just counting the days till my son leaves home. 

For anyone who actually read all this...thanks. I guess I just needed to get it out. Tomorrow I'm going to make an appointment for us to go to counseling. I don't know if there's a way to fix this family/marriage, but I'm willing to give it my best try.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your family has an abundance of stressors. Guess I'm just mean, but if my teenage kids complained to me about my wife's lack of financial contribution, I would tell them that criticizing her was the same as criticizing me and then I'd ask them how much they had contributed. That ought to take the wind out of their sails. Your kids are going to choose mates without seriously considering your input and they are going to make lives and homes as they see fit. That's their right and it's your's, too. 
I wouldn't get too excited about your teen son acting sullen and ignoring your husband. I think most teens would rather die than hang out with their parents. Your relationship with your daughter has improved and so will the relationship with your son, once he emerges from teen status and rejoins the human race. Nothing is quite as wise as a 17 year old in his own mind. 
Your kids will always be a part of your life and more than likely, that relationship will expand to involve son and daughter-in-law and some grandkids. Your husband needs to accept that and enjoy it. The good news is they don't have to live with you. You won't have to live with their spouses and they don't have to live with your's. 
Whether one is a stepparent or a natural one, dealing with teens is a pain in the backside. I've raised three. Love them to death but at times I could have sworn they were from a different planet. 
I went through a bit of drama with my kids griping about my wife and my wife griping about my kids. I reminded my wife that kindness towards my kids was kindness toward me and I reminded my kids that my wife and I were a united front and a word from her was the same as from me and an insult toward her was insulting to me. Once the playing field was defined, folks got along much better. Real peace came from my kids just growing up, abandoning childish, selfish, entitlement beliefs, and finding out how hard real life actually is. Best of luck to you and your family.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I have to agree that any man who lives on something other than work - be it a windfall from selling a house or his wife's money - is questionable in my mind. Sorry, but I just don't buy it.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

turnera said:


> I have to agree that any man who lives on something other than work - be it a windfall from selling a house or his wife's money - is questionable in my mind. Sorry, but I just don't buy it.


I am curious why is it ok for women to stay at home and live off their H but not ok for a man to do it? Im not trying to be a smartazz but am curious especially with the woman libbers.

Has he been looking for work? Work during this economy is hard to find especially in the trades and IT, as IT is being outsourced quite a bit.

I think you need to sort what bothers you most at this point. Is it his relationship with the kids? Is it his joblessness? has he been looking for work? Is he contributing to the household? Talk to him about your concerns and feelings.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why do you think that if a woman expects a man to work she must be a women's libber?

I am not. I do think that, biologically and sociologically, men are predisposed to be the 'protector' of the family while women are predisposed to be the nurturer of the family. Exceptions will always exist, of course, but if you look at the history books, this has been recreating itself for millenia.

So when a man takes 5 years to live a life of no work, be it living off of - ie. 'draining' - savings, or be it letting his wife support him while he stays at home, I see something wrong. Add to that the fact that he hates her daughter, has let lapse any relationship with her son, and assumed they would be gone at 18 so he could have OP all to himself, I see someone with a pretty dysfunctional outlook on life.

She didn't say he was being Mr Mom. In fact, she said he's making no effort to find a job, and is not connecting with the kids. When women stay home, they are NOT 'living off' their husband, in 99% of cases - they are doing the cooking, cleaning, laundry, homecare, yardcare, petcare, childcare, medical care...is that what you call 'living off' their husbands?


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

turnera said:


> Why do you think that if a woman expects a man to work she must be a women's libber?
> 
> I am not. I do think that, biologically and sociologically, men are predisposed to be the 'protector' of the family while women are predisposed to be the nurturer of the family. Exceptions will always exist, of course, but if you look at the history books, this has been recreating itself for millenia.
> 
> ...


Well it seems to me his money was invested into rental property, and the home they are living in. Should he get a job, probably, but the op really doesnt say wheather he is trying or not and that he has been going to school and is now doing what may be the equivialent of an internship(I may be wrong on that)

The problem with It work is the technology changes so fast that a person in that field is constantley forced to upgrade their knowledge. 

So is the H working around the house? is he doing the shopping, cleaning? cooking? If so why would his value be less than a womans that does the same thing?

Does he do maintanance on the rental property?
Historicially men were the breadwinners and women took care of the homefront but those roles have changed with women wanting equal rights and equal pay so my question would be why would a HWs value be any higher than a HH equal pay seems appriopate to me here as well.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I was assuming, based on her level of frustration, that he is doing none of that, except the training/internship. I may be wrong. But even then, she says she can't get him to look for work.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

turnera said:


> I was assuming, based on her level of frustration, that he is doing none of that, except the training/internship. I may be wrong. But even then, she says she can't get him to look for work.


She says he hasnt worked, remember he is a software designer 
and from a different country, Im not making excuses for him but the software used in Canada may be totally differnt than what is used in the UK. 

I know my cousin was a software engineer using Pearl, Pearl became obsolete and she couldnt find work and she used to make biiig money. She had to take a $10 an hour job, go back to school for 3 yrs and take a job at 1/3 of what she use to make.


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