# wife having affair with lover before marriage



## arunvk (Apr 5, 2012)

Hi,

a bit background. I am from india and its been a year since I got married. It was an arranged marriage. Over the year, I have tried to be a very good husband. I have cared for her in every possible way that I thought is necessary and pampered her. but I always felt that Iam not on her mind. No matter whatever I did, I felt I got a bit of a cold shoulder. Even sex was not an indulging act from her. she always picks fights over trivial matters. 

initially I thought, since it is an arranged marriage it takes love to blossom but few days back I found out the real reason. She had a love affair before marriage. she even eloped but her parents found her and got her back and probably threatened her into being submissive. they got her married and I was the scapegoat in this whole affair. a lot of details were hidden from me. I get so angry when I think of the deception. it all made sense why she is the way she is. she wants our marriage to fail so that she can be with the one she loves. 

well, I intersected some mails between the two and came to know that they are planning to take off and disappear.

I have two options, I can inform her parents abt her plans and ruin it all for her but I dont think I can stay with her after all this. divorce is an option becoz I dont think I will be convinced that she will never meetup with this guy. This option is for pure self satisfaction becoz she has ruined my life and Iam just returning the favour.

option two, let her go becoz anyway I cannot stay with her. this way atleast the two will be happy and I anyway have to deal with humilation in society either way.

one more thing, recently my dad passed away and my family has still not come to terms with the loss. If I inform mom abt my wife case, she will get even more distressed so rite now I am just worried for my mom.

please help me out here. how do I approach this. shud I discuss it with her parents or within my own family first. I am not sure how to handle this. any suggestion is appreciated. thanks.

Also, wife is weakling. Iam afraid that the mere metion of her parents will cause her to take an extrem step like suicide becoz she is **** scared of them. thats another reason for thinking if I really shud inform her parents.

never understood why some people screw others life for personal gains. in my case, I will pay a big price. all this even after taking such good care of her.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Do you live in India? Why would divorcing her be public humiliation?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Is adultery punishable there?


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## arunvk (Apr 5, 2012)

@bandit.45.. becoz society is not yet that open here.

@keko.. yes it is but wat do I gain from it all??I lose the wife either way..


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I think her parents are at fault here. First save the evidence. Then tell her that you are divorcing her and that she is free to do what she chooses . Call the guy and arrange a pickup. Make it her responsibility to inform her parents what she is planning to do and kick her out. Get divorced as early as possible.

How old is your wife? You were the casuality for her parents stupid mistake.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You cannot make this woman love you. She has demonstrated that she is unwilling to be a proper wife and participate in the marriage.

So you need to ask yourself what would be more painful:

1) Divorce her and experience some temporary, albeit humiliating, public scorn, or:

2) Remain married to this unfaithful shrew and let her make the rest of your life miserable. :scratchhead: 

In America we have a saying: sometimes you have to "_bite the bullet_", meaning that there are times when you must experience a sharp, temporary pain in order to relieve yourself of a longer lasting, more debilitating pain.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

arunvk said:


> @keko.. yes it is but wat do I gain from it all??I lose the wife either way..


It's apparent she isn't in love with you and will never be. Either divorce her right away or prove her adultery then divorce her. Being a cuckold is the highest of humiliation's.


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## arunvk (Apr 5, 2012)

hi,

thanks for the replies.. just wud like to add.. 

wife is weakling. Iam afraid that the mere metion of her parents will cause her to take an extrem step like suicide becoz she is **** scared of them. thats another reason for thinking if I really shud inform her parents.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Wow..Is she financially independent? Also, does she know that you know?


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## arunvk (Apr 5, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Wow..Is she financially independent? Also, does she know that you know?


@warlock07.. no she is not financially indepent but iam not sure of her lover's status.. nope she doesnt but of late Iam giving out hints becoz I am not able to contain it in me any longer..


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## thrway214 (Feb 24, 2012)

Arun, first of all, it is good that you are reaching out to people and seeking advice and help. This is a really rough experience and you will need all the help you can get. 

I too grew up in India and am quite familiar with social norms there. So, I may have something to offer. 

While it is betrayal, your situation is slightly different in that she never really wanted to get married to you anyway and was coerced into it. You will still go through many of the same feelings and emotions betrayed spouses on this forum have been through. 

She has not ruined your life. If you set aside the quaint Indian notion that you are now "tainted", you will realize that you have a long future ahead of you and plenty to look forward to. So, seize the day, and take the high road. LET HER GO. 

Tell her first, that knowing what you know now, you don't intend to stay married to her, and will support her in getting with her lover. Tell your family next. Finally, tell her family. 

You may feel a lot of anger right now. That is natural. But set it aside while communicating with others, because it doesn't do much good.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

arunvk said:


> hi,
> 
> thanks for the replies.. just wud like to add..
> 
> wife is weakling. Iam afraid that the mere metion of her parents will cause her to take an extrem step like suicide becoz she is **** scared of them. thats another reason for thinking if I really shud inform her parents.


but she isn't afraid to run and disappear with her lover.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I pity your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

You are having too much sympathy for a woman that has shown you zero love. She is responsible for the fallout from her behavior. Not you. A divorce would not be a bad idea regardless of if she meets up with her OM or not. She sounds like a rotten wife. 

It is not your job to facilitate their relationship like another poster said. Out her publicly and divorce her. Let the chips fall where they may. Be happy there are no children complicating this. Be strong and forget this woman. She is supposed to be loyal to you not her OM. Don't fight to make her love you. Let her go and make her own her actions.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Arun, I am from india, from kerala. So is Kallan Pavithran. You need to spend time reading all the posts on this site. Secondly, screw society. And maybe others here wont understand it, but dont allow society to mold your well being. Expose her to her parents expose her to everyone cause in an arranged marriage, everyone has part and parcel in the decision, everyone is responsible, the burden shouldnt fall on your back. Grow a back bone and take control of your life. Detach and disconnect from her, let me tell u something man, when your in your death bed, you want your wife to be there, society wont be there, nor will all these other players include your family. Everyone bears blame, so follow all the advise on the forum, the 180, just detachment, everything here, let this be an instructional experience, expose her , and seperate and move forward with your life. What she does to herself, its her decision, you have no control over how she feels or reacts, plain and simple. Its just life man. Have faith and move forward to someone new,


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Did she have a decent dowry? Don't tell her parents if you fear they will hurt her. I am very proud of the fact that you have not been physically abusive, as acid in her face or immolation is not uncommon there. You sound really level headed. Tell her she is free to go. You don't need her if she wants someone else. confronting her and informing her parents, is what I would suggest if you were a westerner. But I think forfiture of her dowry would be sufficient. Also, if you told her that you know everything, she may wake up, because the mystery will be gone. I guess it comes down to, do you love her? If you do set her free. She will lose her family if she does this. So just let her know that you won't rat her out, but there will be consequences to her leaving with this guy. No yelling or screaming. But insure that the dowry is secure.


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## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

Initfortheduration said:


> Did she have a decent dowry? Don't tell her parents if you fear they will hurt her. I am very proud of the fact that you have not been physically abusive, as acid in her face or immolation is not uncommon there. You sound really level headed. Tell her she is free to go. You don't need her if she wants someone else. confronting her and informing her parents, is what I would suggest if you were a westerner. But I think forfiture of her dowry would be sufficient. Also, if you told her that you know everything, she may wake up, because the mystery will be gone. I guess it comes down to, do you love her? If you do set her free. She will lose her family if she does this. So just let her know that you won't rat her out, but there will be consequences to her leaving with this guy. No yelling or screaming. But insure that the dowry is secure.


The dowry is not paid by the groom to the bride. It is the other way around. The bride's family would (if there was even a dowry) would pay it to the groom. He/She assumes there was a dowry when the OP never stated that. It very well could be that there wasn't. There is way too much emphasis placed on the mythical dowry in your post when there is a good chance there wasn't a dowry or if there was it was in the form of gifts for their new home/family and not a monetary donation. 

Saying something as horrific as acid in her face is common is akin to saying lynching is common. Its outrageous. There are a few isolated incidents that get media exposure from rural areas. There is no need for patronizingly telling the OP you are "proud" he didn't do something so awful. Really Initfortheduration response was borderline offensive. If you don't know what you are talking about don't strut around and give presumptuous advice.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I pity your wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah. Let's pity his wife. Forget about the guy who is footing the bill for her straying.
Here's my take. You learn to live by the rules of whichever society you are born into, or you find one that better fits your own ideas.
In any event, you don't drag down your spouse and ruin his or her life in the process.
Once a person becomes an adult, (by whichever measure you wish) you need to set aside all of the fairy tales that others have planted in your head for THEIR own gain, and start thinking for yourself.
There is absolutely NO shame in getting out of a relationship that can't be made to work.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I know the dowry is paid to the husband. That's why I said secure it as it is probably gold, chains and such. And its only imaginary if he didn't get it. Secondly if she is looking at sneaking off, why wouldn't she rob him too? You think robbery is too noble for a cheating wife. Exactly what advice is commonly given here regarding the separating finances? Cut off the credit cards, take her off your accounts? What is different about advising him regarding a culture that uses dowry instead of mythical credit like in the west. You think I am uninformed? I know there is a marriage season in India. I also know that imports of gold skyrocket during this time, due to it. 

Now as far as physical abuse. You need to watch a movie on HBO called "Saving face" Its the story about a plastic surgeon who goes to Pakistan to try to fix faces that have been burned with acid. Last year over a thousand women were immolated in India, mostly by in laws wanting more of a dowry. Deny it. Women are chattel there. Property. 

I know more then you think about India. About the Dalits (70%) who have threatened and are leaving Hinduism because of being 'Untouchable". After hundreds of years of abuse by the Brahman class. I didn't misrepresent what happens there. You're just sensitive about it.

And as my final proof of how women are treated. What is the largest medical industries in India? Ultrasound and abortion clinics. Why? You know why. Are you honest enough to tell the people here why? I doubt it, so I will. Ultrasound is used to sex the babies in utero, and abortion clinics are to get rid of the girl babies. OVER 50,000 PER MONTH. THEY DON'T ABORT BOYS. So get down off your high horse and get an education. So the next time you say someone is uniformed, you better get informed before you do. It will save a lot of embarrassment on your end.

Women Pregnant With Girls Pressured Into Abortions in India - ABC News

In closing let me ask a question to all the pro choicers out their in internet land. Is gendercide an acceptable form of birth control? No women, no babies. Do you support abortion if gendercide is the outcome? Because that is exactly what you have in India. In China the poor just throw their daughters in the river. But the clinics are there too for the rich and newly middle class.


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

I think the wife is getting some pity is, she clearly was forced into an arrainged marriage. This is much different than a willing marriage partner. Not to excuse, but come on...it's not the same. I am not in the know when it comes to Indian culture, but it seems nobody wins. I hope the OP can get out of this and then he can find a partner that truly loves and wants him.

_-- Sent from my Palm Pixi using Forums_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Sorry for the thread Jack Arun.


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## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

WhoHaveIBecome said:


> Why the hell are you ranting about abortion on this poor guy's thread?
> 
> If you go back to my post I didn't deny that violence happens. Its just not as common as you are making it seem. There is no need whatsoever to tell the OP you are "proud" of him for not resorting to violence. That is patronizing. That was more my issue with your post. It reeked of you talking down to OP.
> 
> I'm not sensitive. What you are doing is actively looking for awful stories and trying to pass them off as the norm. Don't be pissy I called you on your bull****. What you did and are doing is judging an entire nation based on a few horrible things.


50,000 baby girls aborted a month? a few horrible things? That's 600,000 girls per year. How am I judging a nation? I was stating facts. 600,000 is the norm.

I judge this nation just as harshly. There are approximately 32 million blacks in this country. Without abortion there would 47 million. If they are committing gendercide in India, Then what has happened to blacks here is genocide. 35% of their population has been destroyed.

Tell you what, if Arun is insulted or thinks I am patronizing, he's a big boy, he can tell me. What you were offended, was because of your race, you were insulted. All I did was back up what I said with PROOF. You however offer nothing but your chagrin over reading that proof. You stated that I was uninformed, who is the one who is uniformed? Apparently you.


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## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Nut job, patronizing ass. Typical. Can't support your position so you resort to name calling. And the subjects I brought up were to Arun, not to you. My bringing up those subjects were like any other betrayed spouse, about securing themselves financially, and about the situation with his in laws, which he brought up. 

And regarding your advice about my superiority. You have made multiple posts attacking me. How is that helping Arun? You're the one that started this back and forth. Tell you what, save your comments for Arun. And you have one helluva lot to deal with yourself. Why don't you concentrate on that.


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## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You would naturally infer that my comments are directed to people of Color. What color am I by the way? Huh? Did I post my race? You have absolutely no idea what race I am. And I was speaking in defense of the black community and what has happened to them because of abortion. Keep digging. And you say that I engage in stereotypes. Feel free to continue this or end it.


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## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

> Feel free to continue this or end it.


Dude I have better things to do then argue with some angry old man. Keep ranting. I honestly don't care. My only issue was you acting like it would be normal for the OP to violently abuse his wife and you assuming things about him and his situation. I feel like I have made the points I wanted to make.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I as well.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Do not tell your wife's parents. Talk to her and give her a divorce and let her go. I know you're hurt, how would you feel if you were in her shoes? Sounds like she was forced to marry you and you had no idea. It sucks that you're also a victim in this, but just divorce her so she can go off with the other guy. You can find happiness for yourself after you heal.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

hookares said:


> Yeah. Let's pity his wife. Forget about the guy who is footing the bill for her straying.
> Here's my take. You learn to live by the rules of whichever society you are born into, or you find one that better fits your own ideas.
> In any event, you don't drag down your spouse and ruin his or her life in the process.
> Once a person becomes an adult, (by whichever measure you wish) you need to set aside all of the fairy tales that others have planted in your head for THEIR own gain, and start thinking for yourself.



I pity his wife even more now.



> There is absolutely NO shame in getting out of a relationship that can't be made to work.


really?

That`s not how it sounds.
It sounds as if she`s property and even considering leaving her husband who she was essentially forced to marry is a cultural taboo.


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