# why do we want them back?



## sadoptimist (Oct 9, 2011)

Six months into a separation, so plenty has happened, and not sure where to begin except at the present moment. I’ve been reading the forums for awhile and decided I need to start journaling my experience. 

Tonight my husband is sleeping over at OW’s house for the first time. 

Six months ago he told me that he was unhappy in our marriage. He said that he had been unhappy for years (even before the birth of our 4yo daughter). He said he needed space. He said he needed to work on himself to become a happier person. He talked about moving out, but never did (he’s been sleeping on the couch) saying he couldn’t afford it. He also listed many of my faults and told me that he believed that I’d never change and that he had little hope for our relationship. In fact, before all this began I noticed changes. He went to the gym and started working out. Bought new clothes. Bought a new car. And he had been angry all the time he was at home, and distant for 3-4 months before he finally told me “I finally realized how unhappy I am in this relationship.”

We had financial issues. I didn’t go back to work after having my baby so that cut our income in half but we stupidly kept spending. I ended up declaring bankruptcy in the fall of 2010. He filed a consumer proposal and has told me a couple of times that he thinks I was “using him” financially. I think this is because I found some volunteer work that I really enjoyed while he had to work at a job he didn’t particularly love. And, in hindsight, maybe I did take him for granted, but it wasn’t my intention to use him.

We had communication issues. He wouldn’t talk and I’d feel distant and sad and angry. I have memories of him just sitting on the sofa, arms crossed across his chest, frowning looking down at the carpet and not speaking to me for hours.

We fell into a rut. Didn’t have much of a social life or interests outside of home.

Since then I’ve been working on myself. Went back to work full-time at a well-paying job. Have lost 30 pounds. Taking better care of my personal appearance (manicures and wearing lipstick). I’m learning instead of judging. I’m speaking from my heart instead of fear. And I’m feeling that I’m much more independent. 

Interestingly, I’ve noticed that over the past six months he’s actually been working on GAL too. He enjoys singing and started going to a karaoke club. Created a profile on *******. Joined a couple of hobby-related clubs. Starting going out to watch live theatre. Then I found out that one of his new karaoke friends is an actress and he’s been going to see her show, and other shows with her. I learned that he’s been “chasing” her, to quote one of the emails I snooped on. I found her on facebook and learned that she is divorced and has a son the exact same age as my daughter. I learned that the two of them had been meeting at a playground together with the kids. I snooped and found out all of this. He couldn’t even show me the respect to tell me, while we’re still living together, that he’d met someone and had introduced our daughter to her. He has told me that he’s “done”... that "this relationship is over.” And once, after he admitted the OW to me, I reminded him that he had said a few weeks earlier that he was in no mental condition to get into another relationship, he said very angrily and hurtfully “Definitely not with you!” We’ve met with lawyers and are working with a separation mediator. 

I’m extremely heart-broken. I thought I had married a true gentleman. He has really changed. And I never expected to raise a child with a divorced parents. I am really shaken up by all this.

And now, I’m sitting here listening to my daughter play, thinking about the two of them having their weekend together... and I wonder why I even want him back or want to save the marriage anyway...? My daughter just asked me where he is. I told her I don't know. 

I don’t expect him to change his mind. He’s very stubborn, and does not like being wrong. And these days when I look at him I hardly even recognize him as the man I married. And I wonder how couples do it? How do they get past all this ugliness and hurt and forgive each other?


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## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

Wow....I feel for you....all the things that your H said to you I also heard...like "I want a D", "I don't love you anymore", "I have the right to be happy", "I'm done" and of course all the things that I do wrong..."not enough praise" etc.....
It's the wayward spouce script from what I read on this forum...they all say the same thing..It amazes me how much they are alike male and female....
The affair and your H's attitude is not your fault at all, that's the first thing you need to understand. It's his fault for not living up to the vows he took with you...for better or worse...For some of us those vows mean something and for others not...If you are a Christain then by default you can D him without guilt from above as he has comitted adultry....
Mine said those things but he is still home...I work out of the state and travel so my situation is different...My H says he wants to work on our marriage and he is doing things that show me he is trying....but the memories of pain and hurt are very strong...I don't know how you do it honestly. I would definitely get a Seperation and see how you feel.
I also started working out and all that you are doing and that didn't do a thing for him. He has to come to the conclusion that what he is doing is a mistake...I even tryed belly dancing..I tried seducing him and you know what...didn't work....nothing worked until I caught him....see I didn't know.....
It is hard for me to trust him, and I battle everyday as to what in the world am I doing still wanting this man? He has done nothing but hurt me for mostly our entire marriage...why would I want that back....then I remember to the time where he was kind and gentle and loving and giving...if I can have that man back things would be great.....
When your H sees that his fantasy woman is not who he thinks...when things start settleing down, he will see that he has made a mistake....maybe...but I read that this happens more times than not....
You have to think of your child and give her a life that is not under stress...as I am sure your and your H's stress does reflect off of you both and your daughter definitely can tell things are not right..no matter how old she is....don't talk bad about your H to your daughter nor use her for info...she is just a baby and doesn't deserve that....be kind and loving to your H around your child and when she grows she will see who the stronger better parent is....good luck to you
I don't know why we want them back....beats me as I still want mine too.....


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Give it time - you'll be helping them pack...


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## sadoptimist (Oct 9, 2011)

onthefence16 said:


> all the things that your H said to you I also heard...like "I want a D", "I don't love you anymore", "I have the right to be happy", "I'm done" and of course all the things that I do wrong..."not enough praise" etc.....


Yup, I should add that I also heard the "I'm changing my life and moving towards happinesss" and that he didn't feel respected (which I'm equating to your "not enough praise" comment.)

onthefence, I'm really curious how your partner made the radical change from saying all that stuff to actually agreeing to work on the marriage. What do you think caused that? My husband is adamant that he is making the "right" decision by ending the marriage and will not even consider marital counselling. I think my jaw would drop if he said he wanted to work on things...

And now, folks, I must vent.

Yesterday morning my daughter noticed that her dad hasn't been sleeping on the couch. She asked "Where's daddy?" and I told her in a gentle way "I don't know." I was highly annoyed that I had to explain his actions to her, so I msg'd him right after she asked (yesterday at 7am) and told him she'd been asking for him, and asked him what he wanted me to tell her. (He's actually spending his first weekend with OW.) He hasn't replied. 

Daughter is sick with a sore throat today. She asked me to phone her dad and tell him. He also has the key to our storage locker (where I've put a lot of her toys while we try to sell the condo). I msg'd him about both things this morning. No reply.

...and the bit I'm really puzzled over is that when he told me he's staying at OW's for the weekend, he said he was telling me IN CASE SOMETHING HAPPENED. Well, STUFF HAPPENED and he didn't respond.

Oh, and he said he'd call our daughter to say good night in the evenings. And of course he hasn't phoned at all. Though, thankfully, she hasn't seemed to notice that, (or hasn't said anything about it).

HOWEVER, he did just fwd me an email exchange he had on Saturday with someone who wants to come see the condo. They made an appointment for Tuesday night. I don't plan on being here for it since I told him on Thursday night (before he told me about his weekend at OW's) that Wednesday or Thursday are the only nights I'm available.

And I'm annoyed over all this, and want to call him out on all of it... but I know that won't help anything and will just create more hostility between us. And, I think he's expecting me to be a complete b!tch about it, so I don't really want to satisfy his expectation. But I am angry. And I need to find an outlet.

And lastly, I'm also remembering what the first months of a new romance are like and I'm angering myself at all the fun and, let's be honest, sex, I imagine he's having this weekend.

UGH.

Ok, vent over. I think that's it for now.

:-/


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Stop bring kind and nice to him. Stop doing things he asks. You are making him leaving far far too clean and easy for him. Go dark, don't respond to email text or calls from him.

He wants out of your lives, give it to him, along with serving him papers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

sadoptimist said:


> Yup, I should add that I also heard the "I'm changing my life and moving towards happinesss" and that he didn't feel respected (which I'm equating to your "not enough praise" comment.)
> 
> onthefence, I'm really curious how your partner made the radical change from saying all that stuff to actually agreeing to work on the marriage. What do you think caused that? My husband is adamant that he is making the "right" decision by ending the marriage and will not even consider marital counselling. I think my jaw would drop if he said he wanted to work on things...
> 
> ...


He's in "the fog." Reaching him - literally or figuratively - will be hard. Get used to him doing the wrong thing - like not calling his own daughter.

Vent away - sometimes its just about all you can do. It sucks and its unfair. Sorry you're having to deal with it.


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## sadoptimist (Oct 9, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Stop bring kind and nice to him. Stop doing things he asks. You are making him leaving far far too clean and easy for him.


Jeez... yep. This is exactly what my friends say. I'm being too nice. I'm going to have to shift gears and just learn to "not care."


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## sadoptimist (Oct 9, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Go dark, don't respond to email text or calls from him.


Also, could you tell me exactly what you mean by "going dark"? I think I have a general understanding, but I thought I should double check. 

I can't close off communication completely since we share custody of our 4-year old.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Go dark meaning, that except for questions from him about the kids, do not respond or react out to him. When it is about the kid, answer the question but nothing more. Act like he is 10,000 miles away and out of reach.

If he asks for help or a favor,tell him your not available to help, but refuse to explain why. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadoptimist (Oct 9, 2011)

Is there strategy behind "going dark" apart from self-preservation? I'm guessing he can't miss me if he still has communication with me...?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Part of the strategy is to shield you from any more casual hurt by him. And to cut off his ability to cake eat
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadoptimist (Oct 9, 2011)

So, I'm sitting here wondering when my ex is going to walk through the door. He still lives here after all, and will have to come home tonight to take care of DD for tomorrow morning.
And I wonder if he'll be able to look me in the eye...?
Knowing that he's spent the weekend, most likely in bed, with another woman has really done a number on my self esteem. This is, quite possibly, the worst weekend of my 38 years of life.


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## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

Well, my husband was caught...while he was in the affair...he didn't want any kind of reconcilliation...Now there is a two sided story he gives me...one the OW wouldn't leave her boyfiend, then he wasn't sure what he wanted...I will tell you that he is unemployed which may be playing a part in it....He is going to church, told his pastor who will councel us, is going to IC, but do I totally beleive him...well NO I don't...he told me many things while in the affair that were completely contradictory to what he was doing....so..until the affair is over there really is no recourse but to be tough....I work out of state so it may be that he is actually continuing in it some how...I am not sure really.....but I will find out within the next month for sure what the deal is.....I have spoken to a lawyer just in case....


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Part of not wanting to let go---is that you are gonna have to go out face the world, on your own----that can be daunting

But that in of itself is, better than living in continual misery

Eventually you would probably start looking for another partner, another daunting task

Life isn't easy----but no matter what---do what ever is best for you, and your children---you only get one chance at life on this planet---make it the best you can, and do what you need to do, to make it the best you can

Just stand tall for yourself---remember one thing---97% of A. hook-ups FAIL---but if you have moved on at the time of his failure---to bad for him, he will be the one regretting what he did, for the rest of his life


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## sadoptimist (Oct 9, 2011)

Well, I messed up last night. When my husband got home from his weekend with OW, I lost control. I got really angry and said some hurtful, mean things. I’m ashamed of my behavior, and I think I’m just reinforcing his belief that he is better off without me. I asked him if they had slept together and he refused to answer me. I told him that I needed to know so that I could decide to file for divorce, and he just said “Do what you need to do.” Ouch. Now, next morning, I’m wondering if I should acknowledge it, or apologize for my behavior, or just go dark today without mentioning it at all?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

What he is doing is a complete deal breaker. He openly spent the weekend with the OM.

File those divorce pales and get this cheating #%^*+++ out of your life. The world is full of great men, and this cheating jerk is standing between you and meeting one of the good one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

He spent the weekend with her and you are wondering if they slept together? Uhhh no, they played scrabble, watched a movie then volunteered at the local homeless shelter....give me a break! He is a piece of s**t, living off you, and sorry to say but you are an enabler, you help him be this way. Out the door with him! Time to get back your self esteem! Time to find someone that LOVES YOU, that wants to be WITH YOU, that cherishes YOU. Come on girl! YOU CAN DO IT! 
(the preceeding message while issued sternly was sent with love attached, stay on this forum, post often most importantly read all the advice given determin for yourself what is best for your situation, but ACT) You go girl!:smthumbup:


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Why do we want them back?

Truth? When you cut through the sh*t... It's because we are animals. Highly evolved, organic lifeforms. Driven to survive, and evolve.

Your compelled to prevent uncoupling to insure survival of the species.

We slap all kinds of lipstick on the pig, dress it up, analyze and romantize the whole mess but the truth is you are compelled, undercontrolably driven at instinctive levels to prevent uncoupling. 

Your single minded, obsessed, compelled, desperate andd highly driven right now. When someone loses or is at risk of losing someone that they are "mated" to... switches flip and dormat DNA level behaviors kick in to prevent this from happening. These instincts ensure survival and evolution of the species. 

So when you cut the fluff, it's your inner caveman/cavewomen. These instincts are WAY WAY stronger than your higher brain functions like logic and reason. So, yeah it doesn't make logical sense why you still want them. But, it makes perfect animal sense.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You shouldn't take us back. I've told my wife, she should have kicked me to the curb long ago because that's what I truly deserved.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I've said, and continue to say, the same. She continues to repeat that she never will, and that she loves me forever. I can't help but feel that some day she may invoke that option.


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## sadoptimist (Oct 9, 2011)

Well, I got busy with work and haven't posted in the past 2 weeks. A lot has happened. 

We decided to sell the condo that we're living in, got an offer on it and accepted it. We sold it ourselves (no agent) to save a few bucks and the ex is filing the paperwork. 

The buyers want in quickly... in a few weeks. This is fine with me because I've arranged a new apartment for myself and our daughter. The ex on the other hand has nowhere to go and guess what... his new gf (of 3 months) has invited him to stay with her until he gets himself sorted out. So what? you might think... well he wants to bring our daughter with him for 50% parenting time. I have not met the OW, but I have dug for info and learned that she has a small 2-bedroom apartment, a 4 year old son and runs a daycare from her home. I asked the ex where our daughter would sleep, and he said that she'd share the boy's room. He also said he'd let our 4yo "choose if she wanted to live there." I told him that she is too young to make a decision like that and he replied that she isn't really choosing her new home, but that he is "empowering" her. I told my ex that I am extremely unhappy with this situation. He said he's doing it anyway, and took our daughter over there that night for a "playdate" with the son. He hasn't yet explained to our daughter that the OW is actually his gf. I have to admit that I'm reacting to this... moving in with gf of 3 months is one thing... but bringing our 4yo daughter along? This is not rational, right?

My lawyer is suggesting that I email him to tell him that I drop out of mediation, file for temporary custody and move into new apartment with daughter. I'm hesitant to do this because I'm afraid of his reaction if I move our daughter into my place without his agreement [I know, this is not rational], I know he wants 50/50 (I disagree and have said all along that I think primary residence is best for her) and I want to keep drama to a minimum for the sake of my daughter. I guess I'm just scared right now. Paralyzed that I'll make the "wrong" decision.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hi there, 

so sorry this is all happening to you, great to hear you are looking after yourself and good job on the job .......It will be easier for you to take care of your life and your daughters life......
I think what you need to do is cut all contact off with your husband until he stops contact with the OW.
Until that is over there is no marriage to work on......if you cut off contact with him, you will be more at peace, knowing what he is doing is hurting you.......
I would give him a letter stating you love him and would be willing to work on your marriage but only if he commits to cutting all contact with the OW.
In the meantime tell him that you cannot have contact with him it is just to hurtful for you.........get a friend that can be a go between for you two to discuss your daughter and any change of heart he may have about the marriage.
No contact means nothing, if your husband never gets his emotional fix he gets from you when he speaks or sees you won't understand what he is actually giving up and the life he is losing........
Affairs never last because they are based on lies and deceit......
When real life gets in the way it doesn't take long to fizzle out.....
Sit back and watch that happen.....don't be there for him during that time.....If he wants back he will have to contact the go between and then if he meets your expectations of what a good husband should be you can start there, until that happens go dark and don't let him see you or talk to you, 
Then you go on being the best woman and mother you can be, always look good, smell good and be happy and confident. 
If he comes back he does if he doesn't you will be a better woman for someone who does deserve you.........
I know it's hard but being a door mat won't work, let him go let him hit bottom.........
Only time will tell, he will wak up eventually..


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