# He left, started his new life, I am here miserable and don't know how to move on too



## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

I posted in the wrong forum a few weeks ago as my hubby had told me he has given up on our marriage.

I need to vent, and hope that doing it on here is okay. Any guidance or advice would be great if you have been in a similiar position 

Our marriage has been a mess for a while but I had hoped we would get through it and stupidly I also thought that as we were married we would be together forever, through sickness and in health etc etc. Oh how wrong I was!

Four years ago I suffered really badly with anxiety and panic attacks. He left me then as things were so bad at home. I was awful to live with and I told him to get out which he did. He came back a week later we talked and made it up but I can see that we didn't change anything.

Two years ago he cheated on me on a night out with his work colleagues. I cannot begin to put into words how this made me feel. My abusive ex cheated on me all the time including with my best friend (ex best friend!). He knew that he couldn't hurt me any worse by cheating on me yet he did it anyway. He blamed booze and also demons from his past and I forgave him. He went for counselling and we got back on track. Or so I thought. I never truely forgave the cheating or rather I forgave but I always had it in the back of my mind that he was capable of it again.

My anxiety came back late last year around the time he was getting friendly with a woman at work. They'd been working closely and she was off sick and I found a message from her on his fb asking for her to drop something off for her. He'd been round and had stayed for a coffee. He never mentioned it until I saw the message (he never kept his fb / emails / phone private). He said it was friends only. She's married etc etc. I wasn't happy and it started my feelings of insecurity again. 

Not long after he went out on a works night out and she was there. He knew I was worried because of what had happened the last time he went out and he drove and only went for an hour or two and he texted during the evening. Later that night I went on his kindle - he was still up - and I could see they were messaging each other. It seemed innocent but then she put something along the lines of 'i get the hint, see ya' and the message before had been deleted. I pulled him on it and told him I would be letting her husband know. He said there was nothing in it and because of my insecurities, I let it go believing it was all in my head. Not long after that she stopped liking and commenting on his fb stuff. I am paranoid because of my past so I just thought maybe I was overanalysing it all. 

About 3 months ago my anxiety came back and I was signed off work. This has made me miserable again as the panic is so limiting. I struggle to leave the house, I am so irritable. Not a nice person to be around. Hubby had been distant to me for a while and I knew he wasn't happy but he denied it over and over so again I thought it was just in my head which made me even more irritable.

He had become more and more distant from me. Always on his phone. The affection stopped. He always used to tell me he loved me, every day. He'd kiss me good morning, good bye. this all stopped. I had to ask for a kiss. It was heartbreaking. I was so upset by it all. Depressed that this is what our marriage had come to but I didn't know how to fix it. I just thought, hoped, it would mend. I lost count of the times I went to bed and cried myself to sleep. 

Fast forward to two weeks ago and he's left me. Said we have nothing in common, we don't make each other happy and we haven't for a long time. He repeated everything I have been saying to him for the last month. All which he has denied saying we are okay. It felt like all this time I have been trying to get him to open up to me, to admit he doesn't feel the same but because he didn't tell me the truth I have just got more and more miserable and upset.

Over the last week he has been making late night calls to the department where this woman works - they work at the same place but he's on leave this week. I don't know how to react. I know we are now no longer together, just married in law but he has gone. I just don't know what to do, how to handle it. I want to scream at him. He knows I have my suspicions. Friends on FB have told me he is definately showing signs of cheating / meeting someone new because he refused to talk about the breakup, just told me then moved most of his stuff out. He refused to go to counselling even though I embarrasingly begged him to. 

How do I deal with this without looking even worse / desperate than he already thinks I am? It's so hard to not go mad at him. But I did all that when we were together, to get a reaction and all it did was make me upset and make him leave.

I have no evidence that he is speaking to her in particular but it's too much of a coincidence and too much has happened between them two. She was working this last week and he's calling her team for long calls. Her husband is on fb and I am tempted to message him but then I should have done it last year when she was messaging my husband.

Sorry for the long rant, I just need to get this out and hopefully someone may be able to help me with how I deal with the heartbreak and not make myself look any worse than he already looks at me.

I am seeing a solicitor about the house and he did say he doesn't want anything from it but I know that could change if I start being a pain. We also have a large joint loan and I have debt of my own so I am conscious that I need to come to an agreement about that. He wants to do a quicky divorce without solicitors involvement but I said whatever we decide I need it in writing. He said he wouldn't go back on an agreement but he went back on our vows so I believe nothing he says.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I have been where you are today and know full well how you are feeling.
Before anybody gets started - the first thing you need to do is focus on YOU. It would be wise to cut off contact, if for no other reason then to remove a trigger for your anxiety. You need to realize that you have no control whatsoever over your husbands actions and reactions. You cannot go back and change the past. What you can do is to really focus on you - you need to get healthy before you even begin to think about someone else - especially your husband. Follow the pain to its source to discover the underlying issues causing you to feel this way and work on them. The pain and anxiety you are feeling are your inner self telling you that something isn't right and it needs to be fixed. Fix it.
Detach yourself from the emotion and try to look at things in a rational manner. Once you do so, you will realize that you truly only have one option and that is to focus on yourself. Control what you can control and what you can't control don't worry about. The things you can't control will happen regardless of what you do, so again focus on your self.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Whenwillthepainend said:


> I am seeing a solicitor about the house and he did say he doesn't want anything from it but I know that could change if I start being a pain. We also have a large joint loan and I have debt of my own so I am conscious that I need to come to an agreement about that. He wants to do a quicky divorce without solicitors involvement but I said whatever we decide I need it in writing. He said he wouldn't go back on an agreement but he went back on our vows so I believe nothing he says.


Sorry you are here but you are in good company. Definitely do not believe anything he says. I agree with Ynot. Detach yourself from him which is always easier said than done. 
Love how you say solicitor instead of lawyer. Get it down on paper, legally. Don't leave it up to him and don't do what he wants you to about it. 
Again, you've come to a great place to vent and get advice.


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

I went back to work today. It was hard but feel better for the step in the right direction.

I have given up drinking, trying to eat (not hungry) and started exercising although think not eating properly and Jillian Michaels do not mix!

I am going to look at getting counselling / therapy for the emotions to try to work out what's going on. I think it stems from an abusive ex but best to look into it now whilst I can (I can get this free via my employer). I also start CBT in a few weeks which I think will really help.

He is supposed to be coming here tomorrow but I am going to put him off. I won't be able to not say something and it will upset me seeing him. 

I will need to contact him to see how he wants to play this - last week he thought we were going to sell the house and pay the debts but I don't want to rush into doing anything especially as I need to get well first. Plus I am the parent carer of my 18 year old autistic son and he needs stability. The last thing I want to do is unsettle him as well. When I bumped into him last Friday he asked me what was happening and I told him I wasn't sure and that my priority is getting better. I need to see what my options are then maybe put them to him and go from there. The sooner we can get the divorce / financial agreement sorted the better. I don't like thinking we are still legally married yet he's acting single.

It's just so difficult to switch off. Every time I think of him I have tried to replace it with something else but it's hard. 

I really need to get an agreement in place so I can cut him off totally.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Once a spouse is out of the house, even before an actual divorce, "single" behavior often begins (if it hadn't already ) Nothing you can do about that, unless adultery is a divorce option where you live, in which case you would probably need proof. Consult your lawyer if this is the case. Otherwise, you need to begin acceptance that this marriage is over, even take the big step and file for divorce, which might make you feel more in control. He has abandoned you. It is over, all except for the paperwork. And to be honest, it sounds like it is for the best. You should not be married to a cheater, not again. It will make you, or anyone, crazy, and you would never be able to trust him again, no matter what he says.

First, stop looking at his social media or talking to friends who know him, about what he is up to. Nothing could be worse for your anxiety.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to have a solicitor involved in your divorce. Your husband's desire to not have solicitors involved pretty much means that he hopes to force it into his favor. The idea that he will keep his word and/or agreement is not a reasonable thing to believe. He married you and gave his word. How has that worked out?


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

Yes adultery can be used here but you have to have solid evidence such as him admitting it or a pregnancy proving it... it's easier and recommended to go the 'unreasonable behaviour' route. I just don't want to end the marriage for him and give him the easy way out although it would give me some control it would also make me think I've made it too easy for him. 

He contacted me before I had chance to message him asking how my first day back had been. He also asked if we have to do this via a solicitor and can't we do it between us. He wants to go for the two year separation with consent route. He only has that or unreasonable behaviour but my unreasonable behaviour is connected to my anxiety and his lack of interest in me so not really grounds for divorce.

He also wants to know if I am still selling the house to pay the debts off.

I wish we hadn't gotten married. This is breaking my heart and it's gone so cold between us. It's only been two weeks, this is crap.


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> You need to have a solicitor involved in your divorce. Your husband's desire to not have solicitors involved pretty much means that he hopes to force it into his favor. The idea that he will keep his word and/or agreement is not a reasonable thing to believe. He married you and gave his word. How has that worked out?


When he first made this silly request I told him the exact same thing. He broke our vows what makes him think I will take him for his word! He looked genuinely upset when I said it. I'm starting to think he belongs on cloud cuckoo land!!


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Do the divorce in the way that feels best to you. If you want it over quickly, just file and let the lawyers do their work. Prolonging it for the two year separation rule may not really be punishment for him, as he is likely to do as he please anyway. He is not going to "act" married. So do what works best for you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I would say divorce him now so that you can begin to move on with your life. He may like the separation thing so as to leave a door open to come back i.e. you as Plan B. Stop that option now, if he wants you back , he will have to work very hard for it.


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

I have been in tears most of the night and today. Can't get it out of my head that he is doing exactly what I feared he wanted to do when we were together (getting involved with someone else) and so soon after we have broken up. I am devastated. I want to scream at him that I know he's doing exactly what he said he wouldn't do. I know this will just make me look like the crazed paranoid nag that I am but I am so upset and angry 

My solicitors appointment has been postponed until Friday so feeling a bit in limbo land. Not a good day. Feel as bad as I did the first day he left 

I need to find the money to divorce him so I can cut all ties. It will take up to 6 months if I do it, assuming he agrees with everything I list under 'unreasonable behaviour'. 6 months is better than 2 years of this 

I am in work tomorrow so hopefully the distraction will stop the tears falling.


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Whenwillthepainend.

It's tough, and many, including I, know fine well the tears, anger and pain you feel, you are certainly not alone. Your thoughts over him and what he is doing or maybe doing are so difficult to remove from your mind, I started a thread in July with just that exact thing and how to deal with them, they can be destroying, and the worst thing is they may not be true, and they could be a thousand fold worse in your mind the actuality.
Not exactly words of comfort, but things to also have in your mind, and things to perhaps help drive those thoughts out of your mind. It is difficult to switch off those thoughts and then trying to do something else often leads to being unable to concentrate on it anyway and your mind drifts, I know.

You have taken some positive steps, looking out for your health, seeking support and have a mindset on how you need to handle things both for yourself and your son which is good.

I think it is also good that you are able to put out on here how you want to scream out in anger and tell him how devastated you are with him doing what he said he wasn't going to, but you didn't do it, not least to him, that is good, put it out there to your support, but not to him, it will only make you feel worse afterwards. 

Get back into your work life, embrace it, make use of friends and support, focus on the meeting with your solicitor and what needs to happen there and look after yourself, and in time things will ease, fall into place and you will be much better in yourself and for yourself, just one day at a time is all it takes.


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

Thanks for your post Shinobi. I see you're in the UK too - thought I was on my own 

I didn't sleep again last night after him texting asking how I had got on at the solicitors - told him I am going back Friday. He then texted asking if he can come for more stuff at the weekend. Told him it was a good idea for him to remove the rest of his stuff so he didn't have to keep coming back and then he texted asking how my son was as he'd not heard from him. All these texts I have read and re-read looking into them far too much. I need him to stop. Just a text from him sets me off. I went into work today and it's been good for me. I kept thinking about him but no tears, kept busy but as soon as I get in the car I start with the over imagining again. It doesn't help that I have his mobile as part of mine so I can see exactly who's he's texting and ringing. I need to cancel that cause I am making myself worse.

I know I need to cut all contact with him and when he comes for his stuff on Friday I am going to tell him not to text me again. If he wants to see the kids he can contact directly.

I am really going to struggle seeing him. I am going to struggle to not say something about him moving on and the calls / texts to his female work colleague - I know for a fact she was on nights when he was ringing her number  they may just be friends like he has insisted for a long time but why phone her when she's working, he has never done that before as far as I know. It makes me feel physically sick thinking he's falling / fallen for her. The affection that he used to show me that started disappearing over the last few months I put down to his demons from his past but they must have been directed at someone else - or is this my imagination yet again  this sucks.

How am I supposed to react to him when he comes on Friday? I think the best thing is not to be here but stupidly I don't want him to think I don't care that he is so final about it all. I know things will never be the same between us but I miss him so much. 

I want to tell him how upset I am that he has let us all down. That's he has thrown it all away so easily. That my son needs him. etc etc etc. I need to get a grip :'(


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

It helped me when I realized I was going into imagination land to tell myself to stop out loud. It may help you too. Out loud, not quietly. Really hear the sound of your own voice, the strong one who knows what she needs to do.

Definitely cut the communications with the mobile. Get your own without him and that step will make you feel better. 

Shinobi is right, that it's good you express how you feel here or to friends or family that won't go running to tell him. Write it down even then burn it if you want. 

When he comes it's going to suck. May be the best thing for you to not be there to prevent doing anything you might regret later. He can pack up his own stuff, he doesn't need your help with that. As I was told, does he really care what you think? Did he care what you thought when he contacted or keeps contacting this other woman? Don't give him more credit to the hold he has/you give him over your feelings. 

I've been, am, right where you are. In limbo, crushed, mad, sad, feeling like you can't run away from this nightmare you have found yourself in made by someone else's actions and not your own or a bad dinner.

I didn't believe them when they told me that it'll get better but it actually does with time and to us who are in limbo time is a bad word.
Keep posting and working and detaching.


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

Thank you for posting. Sorry to hear you, Shinobi and others are in the same position. You have both put into words exactly how I am feeling. It's rotten.

I wanted to bag the rest of his stuff up as I wanted to take some control. I didn't want him here for longer than he needs to be but then maybe I should leave him to it so he has to be in our home to see if it sinks in what he has done. But then does it matter? His mind is made up. Does it matter if I put it all in boxes / bags and he just has to come in and collect it? Why do I overthink everything!!

My son has just gone to meet him. A last minute meet up. He must be at a loose end (must not add to this what else I am thinking!!!)


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Is it possible to have someone with you when he comes over to get his stuff?

And honestly, I doubt your behavior towards him will impact how he proceeds. He will do what he wants regardless of whether you are accommodating or a b!tch towards him. It is not about you.

I understand you want him to end the marriage since he was the one who broke the vows. I wanted the same thing. But my ex refuses to action in his life, so it was left to me to file. The good news was that I was in control. You will get there.


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

The kids will be here. 

I think it's all about the money and the fact he'll struggle to divorce me on unreasonable behaviour when I haven't done anything is why he wants to go the 2 year route. Well apart from be crap with money and suffer with anxiety. 

The more I think about it the more I don't want to be here when he comes but as I am seeing the solicitor on Friday he'll also want updating on that so perhaps I just bite the bullet, deal with it and pour myself a huge glass of red wine once he's gone!


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Don't worry about what he wants, i.e updates, etc...he isn't concerned with what you want.


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Hi, just catching up on things, and read through various bits which I thought to comment, first of yeah am UK based and rest assured you are not alone, and so much of what you say I have either gone through, thought, am thinking, am trying to deal with and at times it does feel a lonely process, but there are always those around to help or pass words of wisdom!! (maybe not me, wisdom has never been a strong point, but pass on words sure!!)
First thing



> All these texts I have read and re-read looking into them far too much. I need him to stop. Just a text from him sets me off


Yes you are looking into them far too much, re-reading them is only going to wear you out, grind you down and create a multitude of sins to consider in your mind and you will think of different things each time, it is a spiral. I know as I have done it, I even screenshotted (is that a word) them in case I lost the thread, over 200 pages of screen shots, and with technology as is, they were stored in the cloud somewhere and accessible on any PC I logged into, that is an un-mitigated disaster, you need to cut that, I assure you, and do it soon as.

Yes the text that sets you off, I had/have a message app only used by my wife and it has a unique “ting” when a message arrives, and I have been there quivering to pick up the phone, dreading what it may say, stuttering to dare to open it, in that you are far from alone, at some point strength will arrive for you to go okay, I will look later, or okay lets deal with this and you become far less the quivering wreck you may well feel now.



> kept busy but as soon as I get in the car I start with the over imagining again


Yes been there done that, time will heal. I will also add the less you see of him and know about his dealings the easier that will become, another reason to get off the mobile contract, get your own, a simple phone if need be for text and calls £10 and a PAYG sim, there are some bargain ones out there for £5 a month, no contract, get one, ditch the joined one, cut up the sim, whatever but get away from it. Also well said by Honeysuckle on this matter, spot on.



> The affection that he used to show me that started disappearing over the last few months I put down to his demons from his past but they must have been directed at someone else - or is this my imagination yet again this sucks


I have thought and deal with the EXACT same thing, my thread was dedicated to it to be honest. Not going to lie, it will be there, it will get you from time to time, when you are at a weak point, lonely or just plain have the time, BUT whether they were your imaginations or not, it will ease, to a degree out of sight out of mind applies, the less you know about him and his actions outside of this separation the easier it is.



> stupidly I don't want him to think I don't care that he is so final about it all. I know things will never be the same between us but I miss him so much.


I get this, I have felt the same not wanting to show the lack of care to that someone you have spent so many years with and have felt for, and I think that is how it comes to people, although do not yet have an answer to it myself. Yes you will miss him, he has been part of your life, shared ups and downs and right now it is raw. I think it was said on Honeysuckles posts about how the memories will be and is part of the process of knowing when you are “recovering” your understanding of your time together, thoughts feelings, memories of enjoyment wil,l I suspect, surpass your feeling of hurt in time, it is a process.



> Why do I overthink everything!!


That occurs, the over active imagination, seeing things that may or will not be, coming to conclusions, creating panic within yourself, again as time goes on and your knowledge of his life dwindles this will calm.

And finally for now at least


> pour myself a huge glass of red wine


I will raise a toast to that as well. I hope thing become clearer after today at the solicitors, that you feel better and stronger within yourself, and anytime post away, we all do, we all know and we all understand.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here,especially after reading about your ex and now your husband.
You need to stay strong for yourself and your son.

Stop thinking about this other woman,she can have him and he is not worth of your time and your tears.

When he comes back to collect his stuff,you can go to another room or go for a walk,dont let him see your tears and your pain,because it will give him some sort of satisfaction.

Keep improving your health,try to workout,find some new friends etc... and most important thing stop beging him to come back,just talk about Divorce.

Stay strong


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

Hi everyone, thanks for your comments. I've had a really tough few days. Ended up texting him in a rage on Thursday as the estate agents came and said the house isn't worth as much as I had hoped so selling up with only release him from the mortgage and the joint loan but I'll have nothing left to pay the other debts off with and I'd be potentially homeless too. His mate had been round to drop some things off for him and I know he has been in touch with him since he left so it annoyed me and I texted him telling him to send a global text to his address book telling them he had left me for his work colleague. He responded saying I keep going on about this other woman, what other woman is it so I replied saying once I'd spoken to my solicitor and given them my evidence (cringe) that he would hear all about it. I am an actual idiot!!!

Went to see the solicitor on Friday and she said it sounds like he only came back 2 years ago out of guilt as I called his bluff. I don't really believe that as it worked for a while but it really upset me. She has advised to go for divorce on unreasonable behaviour so it will be done is six months. She also said the financial side of things will remain separate and she mentioned pensions and that even though the other debt is in my name he's partly liable too. What a mess. No wonder he just wants to sell and wait patiently for 2 years to divorce  

Friday I also packed the rest of his belongings up. Why I suggested this I'll never know. It was heartbreaking. I literally cried all day. I found things I had forgotten about - he had a wallet with our valentines, birthday and anniversary cards. I made the mistake of reading them. Not the best idea, I'm tearing up now just thinking about it. He came for his stuff and it was all boxed up ready and he just packed the car. There was no emotion there, he couldn't even look me in the eye. Soul destroying it really was.

My daughter spent some time with him later on on Friday and got more out of him that he had shared with me. Apparently he's not been happy for a long time and said we had both contributed to the split. I dealt with our problems by ignoring him and going upstairs if I was stressed out and he just let me and he did his own thing too. We've just grown apart. The worse thing is he actually said to her that he doesn't love me anymore. That hurts. Really hurts. He asked how I was and she told him the only words she can use to describe are heartbroken and lost. Well at least he knows exactly what this has done to me. She said he got upset quite a bit. She also doesn't think he is actually involved with someone else and it's all circumstantial. Who knows. He certainly wouldn't shout it from the rooftops that he's left me when I needed him for someone else. She also said he wants to speak to my parents  I think he's sorry for what it's come to, sorry for letting the kids down and he said he wants to continue being their step dad and being part of their lives. I wish he had shown me that unconditional love that they have. I am so upset at the fact that this could have been fixed a while ago if both of us had said something. Whilst we still loved each other. Not good.

He had a few more bits left when he dropped my daughter off so I disapeared in the shower before he returned with the car as I didn't want to see him or rather I didn't want him to see how awful I looked as had been crying again. He told the kids he wanted to speak to me about the solicitors and what was happening next. Part of me wonders if he is panicking about what I am going to come out with after my outbursts or again is it my overactive imagination putting 2 and 2 together and getting 5? 

I texted him later on and I am seeing him on Tuesday to lay down the options available to us. Another day I am dreading. Then I guess it will be decision time and time to move forward without him


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Please know you are not alone even though it feels like you're the only person in the world it is happening to. Sadly everything you are feeling is very normal. Who knew this could actually be considered normal right?

I don't think he should speak to your parents but that is your call and interesting. 
You might benefit from reading the FAQ for the betrayed spouse on survivinginfidelity.com. It helped me a lot whether there is an ow or not. Read it and reread it.

Please, please, please do not let him dictate to you how it should work out with the solicitor. He will definitely try with all sorts of plays on you and your emotions. I know. Mine did the same thing. No matter what you are feeling you will not be able to nice him back.

You are strong. You can do this. You will heal. You will be a survivor.


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Whenwillthepainend

Okay, sounds like a few heart felt days for you, but like honeysuckle says you are not alone, and by no means is what you have said and done out of the ordinary for many people going through the emotions of it all, the anger, the texting, the avoiding, the wishing, hoping, disappointment, hate and indeed feeling of loss, they are felt by all.

Okay it was heartbreaking to pack his stuff, up and to see the things you did, but it is done, they are gone, and without them around the little reminders that you see are also gone, things will not flash in your mind so quick. I felt this when I finally went round the house removing all the pictures of us, our wedding photos adorned the walls since the day we wed and it was heartbreaking to see them daily of what once was, but it is easier when it is done, so this is a positive step, and even if it is short term make your place your own, move things round, get a new rug, new bedding (I highly advise that, I struggled to sleep in bed with the marital sheets on, and is easier now having bought my own, just mine!!)

As you are now in the advice of the solicitors, do heed what they have to say, they do tell you things for a reason, and sometimes are far more objective than you may like, but they deal with scenarios like this day in day out. I am sure at times you will think things sound harsh or have the fear he may be upset by them, but do bear in mind that you put into the marriage as well, it is a two way partnership, and whether that be the housekeeper or the main earner I very strongly believe that both play as big an importance as the other, and deserve to be recognised for such things, plus few relationships break down without the tie of finances to be considered and dealt with amicably.

In terms of finances, well that is something that the solicitor will advise on based upon the future, as without those agreements at the time there is potential for comeback even 5-10 years down the line of the other claiming something, and quite often it helps for a totally clean break.



> The worse thing is he actually said to her that he doesn't love me anymore. That hurts. Really hurts. He asked how I was and she told him the only words she can use to describe are heartbroken and lost. Well at least he knows exactly what this has done to me


It does hurt to the person that didn't initiate the split, I vividly remember by ex telling me how she was not attracted to me any longer and I was destroyed, but also have to admit I was oblivious to the fact or why before hand, so it was a tonne of bricks hitting. Yes I had the same, my daughter (her step daughter) have a good relationship (slightly rocky at the minute but that's another story!!) and she said the same thing to her about me, heartbroken and lost, so my ex knew as well.

His involvement with someone else may well be circumstantial but I know from experience that whether this is the case or not it is not going to stop your mind considering all sorts, and it is easy for others to say but your mind will consider it less and less over time, I have been there, to a degree at times still am there but not to the point it would make me sob now, so it does get better. It is one thing that is best not being though of on your part if that is at all possible, I know you have the hope that it is circumstantial as it feels better in yourself, I know I been there, but please try and give it as little thought as possible.

As for wondering if he is panicking it is likely that he is going through all sorts of thoughts bearing in mind that he wanted a slow and quiet avoidance of such things and he will have a sense of dread about it, but again that should not be your concern.

As for Tuesday, be positive, stay strong, stick to the advice and only provide the details that are required, and as upsetting and stomach churning the meeting may be don't get into the personal side of things where ever it is possible and not necessary, otherwise best of luck with it.

Just to add, Honeysuckle said it really


> You are strong. You can do this. You will heal. You will be a survivor.


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

Thank you again for your words. Our meeting has been put off til tomorrow. It gives me another day to absorb everything and to write down what our options are. I am going to tell him to seek legal advice so that he can see that I am not trying to pull a fast one then again he should be seeking advice anyway. And possibly could have done and not said anything to me.

He started nights last night and I am assuming his work colleague is also on nights with him. It was very difficult not to dwell on that but I had rubbish TV to watch so that took my mind off it mostly.

Not sure if I have mentioned this before but her husband's social media account is showing that they aren't friends any longer and it was their child's birthday the other day and he hadn't tagged her in it. Looks like there is trouble there too, and it happened around the same time as our split. Another coincidence. No I think it's quite obvious they are up to no good. Time to delete my account I think as I am getting a little obsessed and I know that whatever he is doing now I have no control over and the only thing trying to find out the truth is doing is hurting me and preventing me from moving on


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

Well he's just gone. That was awful. Just awful.

My husband, I don't even want to call him that, has changed. He is a cold hearted and cruel b$$t$rd!

He sat down and I went through my bullet notes with him. So glad I wrote it all down as it gave me a list of stuff to go through. He seemed shocked that I can divorce him on unreasonable behaviour based upon his cheating 2 years ago and the after effects of that. He actually said I can't use that as he didn't sleep with her so I told him matter of factly that I am not going to divorce him on adultery as I would need him to admit that and photographic evidence but I can use the fact he cheated on me a few years ago as basis of the divorce. Not sure he liked that. He also didn't seem to impressed with the fact that although my credit cards are in my name he is liable to pay towards them too and if I do sell the house the equity would be split between all debts not just the joint loan so he would be left with debts too.

When he left 3 weeks ago we hadn't talked about the reasons behind it really, just that he had had enough. I wanted to be honest with him and wanted him to see that this had hurt me and I just wanted to understand his reasoning behind it. I stupidly said I knew he was seeing someone else. And he smirked. He did that last time he cheated on me. I asked him to look me in the eye and tell me that he hadn't cheated on me and he looked at me and his face lit up as he was smiling at me whilst he said it. Not sure I can curse on here but what a $$$$! I told him that the smile on his face said it all. He won't admit to me he's cheated as he will think (know) that I will use it for grounds for divorce but to pretty much laugh in my face?! I am shell shocked at his cruel cold heartless behaviour.

I pulled him on it and he said 'you know I laugh when I am under pressure'. I said yes the last time you did it you cheated.
I told him in a calm manner that him knowing that cheating on me was the worse thing he could ever do and he did it years ago and now to laugh in my face is a double blow. Who is this man? Where is the kind hearted loving man I married? I feel like I have just let a stranger into my house.

So that's it. He's taking the piece of paper away and is going to seek legal advice. Hopefully I'll hear from him soon so I can get the ball rolling.

I am actually dumbfounded at how he was with me.


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

He came back about an hour later with my son acting all nice and pleasant again. Weirdo. He's seeing him tomorrow as I can't take him to an appointment. He said he'd get back to me soon with what he wants to do next. 

I'm really angry at him. How bloody dare he laugh at me about something that is so blooming important to me. I am so taken back at how much he has changed. He must really hate me to act so cold. Is it possible to fall out of love so quickly? I think I just did. I would never stay married to someone so heartless, so cruel and nasty. He was none of those things when I met him or through our marriage. Where has my husband gone?!!

Well sod him. I have spent the last few hours speaking to my friends and the more I think about it the more I think what a $$$$ he is. Maybe I needed this as it seems to have opened my eyes a little. Just hope I don't slip back into miserable mode any time soon.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Whenwillthepainend said:


> He came back about an hour later with my son acting all nice and pleasant again. Weirdo. He's seeing him tomorrow as I can't take him to an appointment. He said he'd get back to me soon with what he wants to do next.
> 
> I'm really angry at him. How bloody dare he laugh at me about something that is so blooming important to me. I am so taken back at how much he has changed. He must really hate me to act so cold. Is it possible to fall out of love so quickly? I think I just did. I would never stay married to someone so heartless, so cruel and nasty. He was none of those things when I met him or through our marriage. Where has my husband gone?!!
> 
> Well sod him. I have spent the last few hours speaking to my friends and the more I think about it the more I think what a $$$$ he is. Maybe I needed this as it seems to have opened my eyes a little. Just hope I don't slip back into miserable mode any time soon.


I know it is hard, but you need to realize your ex has already resolved the issue in their mind. They are not feeling the stress you are feeling, they are feeling relief in that some issue in their life (in this case the marriage) has been resolved,
I remember when we signed our dissolution papers I sobbed thru the whole ordeal. In the meantime my STXW sat there acting like we were signing up for a cruise or something. She had already resolved the issue in her mind. I was still reeling.


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

Yes that was certainly obvious today 

I just can't believe the man I fell in love with was so cold with me. We had 12 years together and there is nothing there. Just hatred from what I could see.

He did mention that he had known it wasn't right for months and so think he had known for months he was going to end it as soon as we came home from our holiday. I can't help but think of the weeks running up to him leaving. He actually kissed me that morning, the first time he had done so in weeks without a request (I know how bad that sounds!) and I remember thinking we will be okay because he had made some effort. Stupid stupid me.


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Whenwillthepainend said:


> He came back about an hour later with my son acting all nice and pleasant again. Weirdo. He's seeing him tomorrow as I can't take him to an appointment. He said he'd get back to me soon with what he wants to do next.
> 
> I'm really angry at him. How bloody dare he laugh at me about something that is so blooming important to me. I am so taken back at how much he has changed. He must really hate me to act so cold. Is it possible to fall out of love so quickly? I think I just did. I would never stay married to someone so heartless, so cruel and nasty. He was none of those things when I met him or through our marriage. Where has my husband gone?!!
> 
> Well sod him. I have spent the last few hours speaking to my friends and the more I think about it the more I think what a $$$$ he is. Maybe I needed this as it seems to have opened my eyes a little. Just hope I don't slip back into miserable mode any time soon.


You are on the right path of that there seems no doubt, you have suffered hurt and a blow almighty, risen from the ashes like a fiery phoenix and done what was required, you sought advice, put it on paper and stuck it to him to go away with something more than nothing to think on, to the point he came back with a different approach, and then you, well you have an entirely different mind set upon this, you became the outsider looking upon this as a factual thing with purpose, seeing for what it is and realising and driving this for you. Run with the high and look on it as you need to avoid the miserable times and you will hit the top.

And just to add, his affront, his demeanour, his laughs and smirks, consider it a mask, he can laugh and he can play the devil may care, but I am damned sure his bowels have been set a quiver by your actions and he is fronting this as best he can, to save face.

Keep going and keep smiling.:grin2:


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Whenwillthepainend said:


> Yes that was certainly obvious today
> 
> I just can't believe the man I fell in love with was so cold with me. We had 12 years together and there is nothing there. Just hatred from what I could see.
> 
> He did mention that he had known it wasn't right for months and so think he had known for months he was going to end it as soon as we came home from our holiday. I can't help but think of the weeks running up to him leaving. He actually kissed me that morning, the first time he had done so in weeks without a request (I know how bad that sounds!) and I remember thinking we will be okay because he had made some effort. Stupid stupid me.


My STBXW with 12 years together as well, had decided to visit family just prior to us separating AND going on holiday, she decided to go meet family and we left it that morning with a kiss and a cuddle. She did the 9 hour drive and as soon as she arrived she sent me a naked selfie, less than 24 hours later she said we were through. A week later we went on holiday and she was cold, cold, cold, but speaking to her since she was signing out of the marriage months previously, I just didn't know it, so this is not a stupid stupid you, its just a case of not being a mind reader.


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

I think worse of him for doing it. He knew what he was planning yet strung me along. It plays with my insecurities so I dislike him further for that. The scales are certainly not in his Mr Perfect role anymore.

What is wrong with these spouses?


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

They suck. They fence walk, they cake eat, they are despicable!!

I hope the anger stage stays with you for a while so it can help,you get over such a scumbag. Too bad we can't put them all in a basement and let them eat each other.

Make a list of all the wrongs and when you start to feel sad or loving towards him take it out and read it. If you date it each time you read it you will find it is longer and longer between reads.

Stay strong!!


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Embrace your anger and dwell on it. It is a good thing (though it may not seem like it now. Just don't act on it. It will help drive you to a better place.


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

I slept the best I have slept in a long time last night. In fact I could have turned the alarm off and slept some more. That's a first!!

I woke up still with rage and went to work and vented to my colleagues but as the day has gone on I've allowed my brain to overthink the run up to the holiday again and also whether I should message the husband of the woman I suspect he is seeing. They are over but I want him to know my suspicions. Or perhaps he could tell me a thing or two. I know this is stupid. I don't have any hard evidence but I feel like I can't let this go. I hate the fact that he is laughing about me behind my back thinking he has pulled the wool over my eyes. In reality I know he isn't giving a me a second thought. Anyway I won't message him as this may all be in my head and if it isn't do I want to upset her husband? Do I want to risk looking like a crazy wife looking for any excuse her husband has left? I can't message him without evidence so I need to tell myself that and let it go


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

And just to add, I don't want that stranger who was in my house last night back. He's not the man I married. I need to remember that. What will come of me contacting that other person? Nothing. I just want my 'husband' to agree to letting us keep the house and then he can sod off. If he doesn't let me have the house then he can still sod off. I don't want him. He lt me down loads. I need to remember that instead of trying to find evidence that he is the lying cheating $$$$ that I think he is. hmpf.


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## cathy1978 (Sep 14, 2015)

WOW... Its great that you have the anger to use! I wish I could feel that way. I agree with you as not contacting the husband (even if is eating you alive) is not a good idea. I made the mistake to contact the OW and things went wrong because like you said.. I looked like the Crazy Girl, instead of being a lady like. 

How long has it been since you and your husband separate?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Unreasonable behaviour won't work if he contests your petition. I petitioned citing unreasonable behaviour but there was zero argument from my ex H.... He agreed with every single point I cited. 

So I think you need to discuss with your solicitor whether petitioning under unreasonable behaviour is realistic given your STBX's attitude. This could be much more drawn our than you anticipate.


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

cathy1978 said:


> WOW... Its great that you have the anger to use! I wish I could feel that way. I agree with you as not contacting the husband (even if is eating you alive) is not a good idea. I made the mistake to contact the OW and things went wrong because like you said.. I looked like the Crazy Girl, instead of being a lady like.
> 
> How long has it been since you and your husband separate?


I know the anger will fade, I just need to keep igniting it by reminding myself of how he was with me and how much he has hurt me.

It'll be a month on Monday. Seems like months though  it's strange. I have only seen him a handful of times since he left and each time I see a different person, personality and looks wise. He is literally like a stranger which will help me move on I'm sure.


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

Satya said:


> Unreasonable behaviour won't work if he contests your petition. I petitioned citing unreasonable behaviour but there was zero argument from my ex H.... He agreed with every single point I cited.
> 
> So I think you need to discuss with your solicitor whether petitioning under unreasonable behaviour is realistic given your STBX's attitude. This could be much more drawn our than you anticipate.


It was my solicitor who suggested the six months unreasonable behaviour. She said we can agree it before filing it if we want to but he said he wants to see whatever I am putting on before it goes to the courts as he won't agree with it if he doesn't want to. I think he was just shocked that I suggested getting out of this marriage asap. He'd like to do it quietly with no fuss but there is no way I am staying married to him whilst he is living a single life.


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Whenwillthepainend said:


> And just to add, I don't want that stranger who was in my house last night back. He's not the man I married. I need to remember that. What will come of me contacting that other person? Nothing. I just want my 'husband' to agree to letting us keep the house and then he can sod off. If he doesn't let me have the house then he can still sod off. I don't want him. He lt me down loads. I need to remember that instead of trying to find evidence that he is the lying cheating $$$$ that I think he is. hmpf.


Now that's the way to think it, good on you on every bit you said there. You have the platform to build on, you know your thoughts and feelings and what is the right path, and even better you are also of the mind that whether he chooses the path you want him to go down, ie over the house, you are still giving the heave ho no matter what, and you are putting your concentrations and actions into you.

Out of the starting blocks and leading the run!!


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

I've had a miserable weekend. Cried myself to sleep last night, woke up at silly o clock and cried myself to sleep again. I miss him. I miss him being here. I miss what we had when it was good and I am trying not to kick myself for pushing him away. I know that I am missing the old him as we had both been so unhappy for months but I wish I had known he was this unhappy so that I could have tried to fix it - or at least been able to ask him if he was willing to fix it - obviously we couldn't have done or he would have spoken up?

Anyway I'm not having a great weekend although I am trying to hold onto the anger from when he came round but seems I keep forgetting about that!

He's seeking legal advice next week so hopefully a decision will be made soon as to the next steps.

I also start my CBT for my anxiety next week. I am wondering if I need to try antidepressants as don't feel this miserableness lifting at all. Maybe I'll give it a few more weeks as I'll be back at work full time by then and the CBT should be helping with the panic attacks. I am also going to request individual counselling via work as I need to fix my insecurities which is what caused me to push him away in the first place.

Just wanted to rant as I know I am getting on my friends nerves as I'm still miserable a month after he left...


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Whenwillthepainend said:


> I've had a miserable weekend. Cried myself to sleep last night, woke up at silly o clock and cried myself to sleep again. I miss him. I miss him being here. I miss what we had when it was good and I am trying not to kick myself for pushing him away. I know that I am missing the old him as we had both been so unhappy for months but I wish I had known he was this unhappy so that I could have tried to fix it - or at least been able to ask him if he was willing to fix it - obviously we couldn't have done or he would have spoken up?
> 
> Anyway I'm not having a great weekend although I am trying to hold onto the anger from when he came round but seems I keep forgetting about that!
> 
> ...


WWTPE.
I feel for you, and I get what you are saying. Your first paragraph, missing him and remembering what was good when it was/is me all over for my wife. I was at that point just a few days ago, and yes it is heart felt, hence my postings. Being awake at all hours, the tears, I know that, you are far from alone, and you have to think this is not just about you beating yourself up, there were things not good, not right, you say it yourself it not bring right for months.
I also know about the hindsight, if only I had known this,if only I had done that, but you didn't, and quite possibly you couldn't, but that's not your fault, don't blame yourself for all this, some things are just to be, happen due to a multitude of things that are just not able to be overcome, but it does not mean that firstly you are entirely responsible and secondly you were the not the only one who could have fixed them, and like you say he could have spoken up.

Do not be so concerned for holding onto that anger, think on you and what you need more so than him and the anger towards him, or at least the anger you wish to have towards him. Concentrate on getting you in a good place, don't think on the what ifs and we could have tried, been there done that, this comes down to you.

You do right, get the help and support that is available as you need it. Your friends will be there for you, they are just reeling with a load of information to compute and having see your scenario before hand trying to equate it into response for the here and now, I'm sure they are more concerning for you than you think.

We all have insecurities, well i suspect most do (please tell me Brad Pitt and Angelina do to some degree!!) and miserable times do happen, look at me ranting just last week, and it's my wedding anniversary on Wednesday, which I'm not sure how to go about handling yet, it is all very real, but all very manageable.

Regarding the antidepressants I would say hold off until you have your CBT and/ or IC then see how you feel they may help tremendously on their own, that would be my advice anyway.

Concentrate on you, your things, needs, wants and you will see the picture of you blossoming under you own steam, vanishing the misery for good. Failing that there is always ranting here :soapbox:
Keep your chin up.


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

Thanks Shinobi. It does help to be able to come on here and vent. It really is a rollercoaster isn't it


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I would argue against anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds as well. Unless and it is a big unless, you are a danger to yourself or others. Otherwise all they do is mask or numb the pain which does not allow you to deal with it and grow from it. At the very least it delays your recovery. I know that it did mine. Not only than but it unleashed or enhanced other emotions and feelings that did nothing to improve the situation. I became very irritable and aggressive towards other non-involved people. Embrace your feelings and really dig into them, see what the real source is. It very often is only provoked my some immediate stimulus, but actually originated from a much deeper level.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

What you are feeling is totally normal. I had panic attacks too when I left my ex, even though intellectually I knew it was for the best. The worst part will be the first several weeks after he or you leave for good. Expect mood swings; stay busy. Excuse yourself to the washroom at work for crying jags. Know that things will get better. This first holiday season will be tough, so stay with family.

You will feel this at a low level until your D is final, though once you have your new routine the pain will be less. It does get better and the improvement is in phases, not steady improvement. Some days are better than others with more better days at time goes on. Forewarned is forearmed.


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## cathy1978 (Sep 14, 2015)

Please know you are not alone. .. I had a bad weekend too. Prayers go to you !!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

I already take betablockers. Have done since my last anxiety phase 4 years ago. Can't believe I am still on them but they are my crutch and they take the edge of the physical symptoms although not totally. I was about to come off them 2 years ago as I was feeling strong and had planned to wean off them as I felt much better and more confident but that was just before he cheated on me and well I have slowly but surely gone down hill again since.

It's hard to try and work out what my problem is as it does seem to have been going on for so long. Maybe I do need antidepressants? We'll see. I have put off taking them for 4 years so won't do anything hasty about starting them - I am terrified of them but if I need them maybe I need to try them to see if they make me better?

When I first went poorly I had been fighting the education authorities for 2 years to get my son the right education for him. It was a very stressful traumatic time building a case to show he was failing in our education system them going through tribunal after tribunal. I also had to go through a 12 month period of not knowing if I was going to be made redundant or not. This with day to day life and my son being very hard work with his special needs plus his hormones just got too much for me. I think I just had burnout and haven't recovered properly since. Well I did but hubby cheating set me back. Oh I hope this doesn't take another two years! :/

I went wedding dress shopping this morning with my friend. That was a strange experience. I am so happy for her but so disillusioned with the whole idea of marriage. Hopefully that will pass as I'm her bridesmaid lol

I hope those struggling have had a better day today. I've just had a crisp sandwich. My appetite is back today - that's always good sign. Although crisps and bread aren't very nutritious, tasted good though!


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

So he's just texted me about the care arrangements for my son on Wednesday. I think he's doing the 180 on me himself as there is no emotion in his texts. Just factual  I'm being factual too but it's so strange as we were always texting and always with little jokes or I love you's or silly random texts and always kisses. Little things like this make it more real. Off to hoover up to take my mind off it. Funny how just a little bit of contact with him sets me off.


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

And another text to update me that he's got his legal advice appointment on Friday. Sat in bloody tears again. I need to go no contact. I can't do staying amicable. Does it get easier?!


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Whenwillthepainend said:


> I've just had a crisp sandwich. My appetite is back today - that's always good sign. Although crisps and bread aren't very nutritious, tasted good though!


Oh yes, do you know it is years since I last made one, and would be so on with one now if I could.Ummm, super tangy salt and vinegar with a layer of lurpak, damn I'm hungry now.

Ok so you have been through the mill over the last few years and it has not been helped by your WH, without whom you will do much better with and say that over to yourself. You do that and get yourself in a good place and there will be no need for medication of any kind, panic attacks will go and you will be away. 

For all that you say here I am going to suggest that the biggest headache you have had that has brought you down has been your husband, and with out him it can only be better, seriously.

Your son needing the right educational needs, I get that, yes I am sure that has been a battle, (have had a slightly similar one with my step son getting confirmed as dyslexic and needing support, took 18 months) and you have gotten through, you said yourself, you were addressing the medication and getting better, and then your husband had an affair, you have gotten over this once, and you will do it again, especially with him out of the way, so no it will NOT take another 2 years, it simply will not, and you need to tell yourself that.

You do right being factual, and whether he is or is not factual to you, that should bot be your care or concern, as long as what needs to get sorted and arranged is doing so then all the better for just having facts, the texts of kisses and jokes are gone (not being harsh just stating) and it allows you space and time to get on with your life. I know how it can set you off, just that little conversation and the thought process, but sticking to facts will help suppress the emotion.

You crack on with the vacuuming and anything else you need to do for you and to take your mind off it. In fact vacuuming reminds me of the Queen song - I Want to Break Free (check the video if you don't remember!!) and go out and sing it LOUDLY for yourself, my little tip of the day :wink2:


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Whenwillthepainend said:


> And another text to update me that he's got his legal advice appointment on Friday. Sat in bloody tears again. I need to go no contact. I can't do staying amicable. Does it get easier?!


Yes!!


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

Shinobi said:


> Oh yes, do you know it is years since I last made one, and would be so on with one now if I could.Ummm, super tangy salt and vinegar with a layer of lurpak, damn I'm hungry now.
> 
> Ok so you have been through the mill over the last few years and it has not been helped by your WH, without whom you will do much better with and say that over to yourself. You do that and get yourself in a good place and there will be no need for medication of any kind, panic attacks will go and you will be away.
> 
> ...


I do remember lol  Love Queen. We had one of their songs as our wedding songs but won't go there grrrr


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Whenwillthepainend said:


> I do remember lol  Love Queen. We had one of their songs as our wedding songs but won't go there grrrr


Well didn't I put my size nines in it, highlighting a wedding song, so to compensate, a little humour methinks. Okay so having a queen record at your wedding, could be a good thing or a bad so what you think.

Ones you perhaps could have Crazy Little Thing Called Love, Don't Stop Me Now (Having such a good time), Get Down Make Love (although perhaps not on the dance floor!!) Good Old Fashiond Lover Boy, I Can't Live Without You, Love of My Life (although lyrically not the best), nor is Somebody to Love. A Kind Of Magic possibly.

Now those really not wise - Another One Bites the Dust, I'm going slightly mad, It's A Hard Life, Liar, Love Kills, Man on The Prowl, Ogre Battle, ( doesn't paint a good picture, neither Does Fat Bottomed Girls lol) Pain Is So Close To Pleasure, Save Me (can you imagine), Tie Your Mother Down (hmm really!) and Under Pressure to name but a few!!

And with that I would say that News of the World and The Works are a couple of the finest albums there is, so you are in good company musically!!

Anyway I just wanted to lighten the mood and hopefully lift the spirits of all that are reading, let's make this a fine evening if nothing else and before tomorrow comes round!!


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

BRILLIANT!! That has cheered me up so much that I actually laughed. Love it


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

As if it's been this long since I last posted on my thread.

Well a bit of an update.

I'm back at work - I think this is doing me the world of good. Everyone commenting about how great I look and how much weight I have lost. The divorce diet... I don't recommend it but every cloud!

Hubby came round this week after seeking his own legal advice. He is happy for me to start the ball rolling. He's being very amicable. I'm convinced it's guilt as I am more than certain he is spending time with the 'friend from work'. I knew her estranged hubby was out of the country all weekend so I stupidly looked at his phone bill and last weekend he rang an italian restaurant out in the middle of nowhere. I took it upon myself to try and catch him at it. Stupid I know but I just saw rage when I saw the number. I drove up to where he is staying and she passed me coming from his direction with a car full. I am convinced he was in the car. Too many coincidences. Anyway after that I thought what the hell am I doing. I have no evidence that they were up to anything when we were together and if he is seeing her now we are not together so 'get a grip!' and move on!

Anyway I deserved an Oscar for not mentioning the above to him when he came round. It was like a business meeting. I even joked that I felt I should type up the minutes and circulate them.

I feel different. I feel happy - it's worrying me that I feel so at peace! I hope it is just me getting better and not some kind of denial :/

I will enjoy it though whilst it lasts as no doubt something else will knock me as it did last weekend - last week I felt great til I saw the number. I know as soon as he meets someone or I see him with her or someone else does that will rock me again.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You are making progress that is clear. I think it is inevitable that you will be knocked down at some point but it whether you get up again and keep going that matters. Keep doing what you are doing.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Keep practicing indifference and focus on you and your health, hobbies, happiness. 

You were right to get a grip. You realized that you were wasting your time & energy wondering what he was doing.

It takes time to become truly indifferent.


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

This time of year always reminds me of us. I love Autumn. It's beautiful here with all the colours. We also have our wedding anniversary coming up. That is going to be hard but I'm going to make sure I'm at work that day and keep busy :/ it seemed a good idea to get married on Bonfire Night. Don't half regret that now as just the sound of fireworks reminds me of our day. Ah well, like he said when he left. It is what it is!


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

Not had a good week this week so having a vent....

Monday he met my son, I didn't see him but knew he was with him. Tuesday he took him to a medical appointment and I saw him and things were amicable. He seems brighter. It feels like me being better has ridden him of his guilt. He mentioned if I have spoken to my solicitor about getting the ball rolling for the divorce. I haven't had chance as it's not a call I can make from work and I had put it on my list of to do's for my day off today so told him that. I don't know whether it's my frame of mind but it's like he now wants it over asap. I suspect because he can't move on with his lady friend til we are officially divorced. I did explain to him that I am not dawdling intentionally and I want this over asap too but still it hurt. Tuesday evening he met my daughter for a coffee. Tuesday evening I just felt so low. I thought maybe I was just having a wobble but Wednesday morning I got up and felt the cloud over me. I drove to work but he kept coming in my head and I felt tears coming. The first time in over a week. Not impressed with that so got into work and kept busy.

He's taken my son away yesterday for the night and I dropped them off at the station yesterday as son was last minute. We are being really amicable to each other. Maybe that's what is hurting me the most. He is making so much effort with my children. My son even commented that he didn't make this much effort when he lived with us. 

I feel rejected, again. I felt rejected when we were together but now it is real rejection with hard evidence and not him blagging my head saying everything is okay.

I am hoping this dip will pass quickly. I had felt so good, so positive. My old friend from work said I look so much happier only on Monday. She said I'm back to the old me so why the dip? I am guessing seeing him so much this week and the fact he looks happy is what is setting me back. I guess I need to start the 180 again and hope that I will the lottery tomorrow night so I can get the ball rolling for the divorce 

Thank goodness I can rant on here!


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Keep ranting! It is good for the soul to get things off your chest.
As to feeling rejected because your STBX is doing so well with the children, just my opinion - be grateful that he is making the effort, even if it was something he didn't do when you were together. I know it is hard (from experience), but you really need to understand that his relationship with his children are totally separate from yours and his relationship with each other. Be glad he is making the effort towards your children. THEY need it. That may not sooth the hurt feelings you have of being rejected by him, but try to keep the feelings you have about your relationship with him separate from those of his relationship with the kids.


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

WWTPE

Well good to see you ranting, helps the soul in many ways I believe. Well it does sound like a bit of dip, but do bear in mind that the whole process does have that going on, in most emotions and thoughts are not something that can be turned off completely for good, and you are only able to do so much, but it will pass, you are stronger and better within yourself and moving forward, that much is clear from what you have been saying. Which can only be a good thing.

It may well be caused by the amount of contact you have had and the manner to which he has been approaching things, I'm sure it has you in emotionally a little, if for nothing else than a break in hostilities. Then the addition of the amicable situations he now doing more with your kids, just the whole lot is emotional and real. So perhaps take a step back from it, take a breath and remember why you are here in the first place, not to get all upset again but to just see the original reasons which will help you re-focus on you and your dealings.

I would say though you don't need to explain to him your reasons or current situation, explaining yourself "not intentionally dawdling on the matter and it still hurt" is frankly not a need for him to know, he left and doesn't play that part in your life any longer. You do what you need and as best for you, certainly not him.

As for him not being able to move on until divorce, he seems to already have, is he really looking to remarry as soon as, I reckon not, so don't feel so pressured into things, it will happen and you need to be sorted within yourself to keep you sane and safe!!

So lets hope you do win the lottery, in it to win it as they say, go do something for you at the weekend, but most of all go out there and enjoy it, for yourself because you are doing good.


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

Ynot said:


> Keep ranting! It is good for the soul to get things off your chest.
> As to feeling rejected because your STBX is doing so well with the children, just my opinion - be grateful that he is making the effort, even if it was something he didn't do when you were together. I know it is hard (from experience), but you really need to understand that his relationship with his children are totally separate from yours and his relationship with each other. Be glad he is making the effort towards your children. THEY need it. That may not sooth the hurt feelings you have of being rejected by him, but try to keep the feelings you have about your relationship with him separate from those of his relationship with the kids.


I am grateful for his contact with the kids. Even more so that they are his step kids. My son has aspergers and he is hard work. I am grateful he is continuing to be there for him and I know it would be easier to get over if he wasn't around at all buy my son comes first. It just hurts seeing him. I need to think of things to do when he's seeing him etc so I am not in the house or I am busy like I have done over the last few weeks. This week just seems different. I am sure it will pass. Thank you for letting me vent. It sure helps!!


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

He rang me on the way back from their night away asking if I'd pick them up from the station as the next train to my house was over an hour away. I did. And it just seems like he's an older brother. Did me good, I didn't get upset, it is what is it. My new mantra I think....


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Sounds like you are doing very well. Good job keep it together and growing so much. :smile2:


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Whenwillthepainend said:


> I am hoping this dip will pass quickly. I had felt so good, so positive. My old friend from work said I look so much happier only on Monday. She said I'm back to the old me so why the dip? I am guessing seeing him so much this week and the fact he looks happy is what is setting me back. I guess I need to start the 180 again and hope that I will the lottery tomorrow night so I can get the ball rolling for the divorce
> 
> Thank goodness I can rant on here!


I know this is hard, but you should be happy that he is eager to get divorced, because that means he will not drag things out to try to get everything possible from you. Take advantage of this chance to get out with the best possible terms.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

Hi, your post bought me to tears. I used to live in the UK, now in Australia. I married my husband in the UK...we are now preparing to get divorced. There is so many similarities in our stories it's unbelievable. Shortly after we were married I found out he cheated behind my back with a very good friend from school...I have cut off all ties with her, this was about 13 years ago. Not content with breaking my heart once he went and did it again this time with someone else which was work related. The truth was wishy washy and after I discovered this he swore blind that he didn't have sex with her. Just before we moved to Australia he admitted to doing exactly that with her! He told her that we were divorcing etc, this wasn't even a choice! Anyway, this is my 3rd separation and I never ever thought he would or something like this would ever happen to me. I developed anxiety and depression which has only worsened as life has gone on. This still wasn't enough and he has resorted to phoning me to tell me how much he hates me. I have never cheated on him, we have 3 children. My costly mistake was loving someone so much that never deserved it! Keep your chin up and I'm glad you also found this website. There is so many stories of hurt but also a lot of encouragement. X


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

Threeblessings said:


> Hi, your post bought me to tears. I used to live in the UK, now in Australia. I married my husband in the UK...we are now preparing to get divorced. There is so many similarities in our stories it's unbelievable. Shortly after we were married I found out he cheated behind my back with a very good friend from school...I have cut off all ties with her, this was about 13 years ago. Not content with breaking my heart once he went and did it again this time with someone else which was work related. The truth was wishy washy and after I discovered this he swore blind that he didn't have sex with her. Just before we moved to Australia he admitted to doing exactly that with her! He told her that we were divorcing etc, this wasn't even a choice! Anyway, this is my 3rd separation and I never ever thought he would or something like this would ever happen to me. I developed anxiety and depression which has only worsened as life has gone on. This still wasn't enough and he has resorted to phoning me to tell me how much he hates me. I have never cheated on him, we have 3 children. My costly mistake was loving someone so much that never deserved it! Keep your chin up and I'm glad you also found this website. There is so many stories of hurt but also a lot of encouragement. X


I'm sorry to hear you're going through it too. I hope that one thing I will take from this is that no matter what I have done or felt over the years I didn't make him cheat on me. He made that decision and he has added to our marriage problems and added things like cheating which can't be recovered from. I made the mistake in letting him back and giving him another chance. I'll never do that again for any man. Ever. That's if I ever let another one in my life!


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Whenwillthepainend said:


> I made the mistake in letting him back and giving him another chance. I'll never do that again for any man. Ever. That's if I ever let another one in my life!


Please know that every man is not like your X. The same holds true that every woman is not like the ones that spurned us men. I know you are hurting but do not close your heart to the possibilities and opportunities that life has to offer. You deserve to be happy but you will never get there by closing off whole realms of life.


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

Ynot said:


> Please know that every man is not like your X. The same holds true that every woman is not like the ones that spurned us men. I know you are hurting but do not close your heart to the possibilities and opportunities that life has to offer. You deserve to be happy but you will never get there by closing off whole realms of life.


What I meant was I won't ever give a man a second chance if he cheats on me. I still live in hope that there's a nice man out there for me somewhere and that I will find him some day when I'm not so anti men haha 

My two closest friends are planning their weddings and my frame of mind has changed in just a short amount of time from thinking what a waste of money to how lovely they have met their lovely hubby to be's and I hope that they are happy forever. I do believe in love still. It just didn't work out for me with mine (this time...)


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

I'm on a flying visit through and just wanted to update my post.

STBXH is now public with the woman I suspected him of seeing from work. He still totally denies that it has been going on for ages but the truth always comes out. My sister now works with an ex colleague who says it's been going on for a very long time. I wasn't going mad after all!

The divorce process has started. Funny he offered to pay for the whole lot a few weeks after he 'came out'. Least that's one less thing to worry about. Just need to get the consent order signed - the house is in joint names but he says he doesn't want any of it although I expect that will change soon especially as he seems to have had a personality transplant. He has turned into an awful person these last few months. Some of the things that has come out of his mouth have really taken me back. He used to be such a caring thoughtful person but just seems to have lost that part of his personality. Suits me as he is now a stranger!

Anyway I'm doing okay. My kids are doing okay although they want nothing to do with him but that's because he lied to both of them on the run up to Christmas which is a shame but they're both adults so they can choose their own paths.

Divorce is so sad for everyone involved. I don't want him back at all. I am over him completely but it just feels such an awful failure and such a shame that the kids have cut him off like he cut me off. If I hear one more person say they thought we had a perfect marriage I'll scream. Seems I'm very good at pretending to the outside world that I am happy. I need to fix that.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

I'm a year on from a very similar sounding situation. I wish I had found TAM earlier on like you have. I know how difficult it is, but I found I started to make the most progress after I stopped contacting him.

Keeping in mind, it took me hitting rock bottom and having a huge explosion at him before I was able to decide to stop the contact. And I refuse to beat myself up about that. It's important to understand that everything you're feeling is normal. And if you ever say or do anything that you regret afterwards, it doesn't matter. It's all part of the process. It's all part of you getting through it, and that is what is most important now.

One thing that I have read many times, which might not be much help to you yet, but certainly will in time - The man you're divorcing is not the man you married. So do your best to let go of all expectations. He is not going to say things or behave in the manner you once expected he would. Just thinking of the pain of that realisation makes my chest tighten.

I'm so sorry you are here. There may not be much anyone can say at the moment to help, but I promise it gets better. Keep talking to the great people on here. All the best.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

I had only read your first few posts in this thread, just read your last one, sounds even more similar to my story! Major personality transplant. My STBXH also went public with his employee only a few weeks after leaving me, after claiming nothing serious going on. Also used to be a very caring man and turned into a cold, selfish creep. They have convinced themselves that they are entitled to treat us this way.

Glad to read the progress you've made.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Toomanyemotions said:


> I had only read your first few posts in this thread, just read your last one, sounds even more similar to my story! Major personality transplant. My STBXH also went public with his employee only a few weeks after leaving me, after claiming nothing serious going on. Also used to be a very caring man and turned into a cold, selfish creep. They have convinced themselves that they are entitled to treat us this way.
> 
> Glad to read the progress you've made.


When you are his partner to worry about he will cater to your needs and set things up and take actions to defer to your needs.

When the relationship is over, he should no longer do those things - in fact the 180 is in order ! He has to put those energies into his own life, and recovering for lost time in his own interests.

this is even more important if he was actually shutting himself of emotionally and avoiding intamacy with others as a defense to protect the interests between the two of you. 
With the relationship ending he has to rip out and retrain those emotional barriers and internal controls, and to steel himself again favouring/falling/being-used by his old partner. This is especially true if he has found someone who is willing or interested to involve themselves with his damaged self.

you no longer have that relationship that gave you the preferrential entitlement - why would you expect to retain the rewards of that relationship afterwards? are you likewise giving out "relationship rewards" post relationship? Is he getting breakfast in bed, or a quick spontaneous quickie from you? No? then why you expect relationship treatment from him?


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

spotthedeaddog said:


> When you are his partner to worry about he will cater to your needs and set things up and take actions to defer to your needs.
> 
> When the relationship is over, he should no longer do those things - in fact the 180 is in order ! He has to put those energies into his own life, and recovering for lost time in his own interests.
> 
> ...



Oh you are simply awful.


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