# Give me your thoughts on my husbands criticisms



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Husband and I have issues. Biggest issue by far is communication...I am a talker, he is NOT. Often when I try to have any conversations with him, no matter how diplomatic I try to be, he shuts me out and refuses to respond and will leave the room.

We are in the middle of a big fight at the moment, and I pushed him very hard last night to tell me what he thinks. I got the feeling that he was holding back because he knew I wouldn't like what he had to say and so I told him to say whatever he wants, don't hold back, I can take it. I know a lot of people say that and don't mean it, but I am honest to the point of being brutal and want the same response from him.

So he did tell me a few things. My main feeling is relief - finally he said something!! But I would love some unbiased opinions on these things, how do you fix these traits in yourself, how do you make your spouse happier.

This is what he said:

1. I am overly critical of everything he does. I make him feel like he cannot do anything right and he cannot live up to my standards. I can see that...I hold everyone to very high standards. I hold myself to even higher standards. I have always been that way. I have trouble letting go of peoples mistakes, to me mistakes = carelessness, and if you had a better work ethic you wouldn't be prone to mistakes. I realize this is harsh and not a loving way to treat someone. I would like to change this about myself but don't know how.

2. I think I am always right and always know the best way to do something. I am not open to letting him give input on things and when he does get a chance to do something I find a flaw in it (see #1). I see this too. I do think that I know best 99% of the time. I put a lot of thought and research into every decision I make and never feel like I am going into something uneducated. My husband is more open to trying a bunch of things sand if they don't work, oh well, try something else. I feel this shows lack of planning and forethought and bothers me a lot. I realize this makes me pretty annoying and impossible to live with.

3. I don't give him basic affection, like hugs, kisses, cuddling. I do want to have sex with him and will initiate sex, but beyond those times I am just not a touchy-feely person. This is nothing to do with him really, I have always been that way. I just like having my personal space. I have heard this complaint from past boyfriends too. I don't know how to fix it. Being affectionate doesn't come natural to me, I have to basically write myself a note to remind myself to do it.

That's all he let on last night but I am sure there is more. I am putting it out there because I am wanting to change and help us have a better relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Validate what he says but also let him know that stonewalling is not going to resolve anything at all.

You must both meet halfway.

Marriage counselling?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I was once you. My husband didn't bother communicating because 1) I was critical and 2) I was the queen of right fights. No wonder he clammed up and left the room. Totally get it now.

I wasn't affectionate either but once I started making the effort I found out I actually liked it.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I am a bit like you in points one and two, and the opposite in three. And your H is more like my WW in the communication area.

Point 3. Seems easy enough. To do a little "Labor of Love" by reaching out to him a few times a day will go a long way. You sounds like someone who wants to do things right (1. & 2) so this should be easy to train yourself.

Points 1. & 2. Showing him you can be wrong and more importantly admitting you are not always right will also go a long way to meeting a middle ground.

Like you I believe in striving for high standards, but when it comes to the heart we sometimes need to soften our hearts and demands on others, especially loved ones.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

kag123 said:


> Husband and I have issues. Biggest issue by far is communication...I am a talker, he is NOT. Often when I try to have any conversations with him, no matter how diplomatic I try to be, he shuts me out and refuses to respond and will leave the room.
> 
> We are in the middle of a big fight at the moment, and I pushed him very hard last night to tell me what he thinks. I got the feeling that he was holding back because he knew I wouldn't like what he had to say and so I told him to say whatever he wants, don't hold back, I can take it. I know a lot of people say that and don't mean it, but I am honest to the point of being brutal and want the same response from him.
> 
> ...


is it more important you get you way or is it more important to have a happy marriage where your husband loves and admires you. but also make some mistakes?

and I will bet that if you let your husband make more decissions you would find out theres more than one way to skin a cat night even find it refreshing not to be the one responsible to make all the right decissions.

thats my buck and a half worth.


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

My wife is a lot like you. One thing to consider is why is there only one right way to do something? If he is willing to do something for you let him do it his way, if it is wrong he will have to re-do it but it might just turn out that his way will work as well as your would have. Then the project is done and there was no fight. Another thing to consider is why are you pushing your way to do things on to him, are you standing over him like you are the employer and he is the employee? That must make him feel 2 inches tall. My wife will do that to me and I will ask her when she is going to give me my Performance Review and she will back off. I suspect that his confidence is torn down because of your critical personality and it will take some time and a lot of biting your tongue to build it back up again.


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## CantBeJustMe (Jan 27, 2012)

kag123 said:


> Husband and I have issues. Biggest issue by far is communication...I am a talker, he is NOT. Often when I try to have any conversations with him, no matter how diplomatic I try to be, he shuts me out and refuses to respond and will leave the room.


Normal for someone who has issues with confrontation. Note I didn’t say it was the right response, but the “normal” one if that’s the type of personality he has.



> We are in the middle of a big fight at the moment, and I pushed him very hard last night to tell me what he thinks. I got the feeling that he was holding back because he knew I wouldn't like what he had to say and so I told him to say whatever he wants, don't hold back, I can take it. I know a lot of people say that and don't mean it, but I am honest to the point of being brutal and want the same response from him.


You’re lucky he didn’t pull away. Reminds me of my wife and how she has issues with communicating her feelings.



> So he did tell me a few things. My main feeling is relief - finally he said something!! But I would love some unbiased opinions on these things, how do you fix these traits in yourself, how do you make your spouse happier.


Before I go on, let me tell you how great it is you’re even willing to come look for feedback on this. He’s a lucky man.



> This is what he said:
> 
> 1.	I am overly critical of everything he does. I make him feel like he cannot do anything right and he cannot live up to my standards. I can see that...I hold everyone to very high standards. I hold myself to even higher standards. I have always been that way. I have trouble letting go of peoples mistakes, to me mistakes = carelessness, and if you had a better work ethic you wouldn't be prone to mistakes. I realize this is harsh and not a loving way to treat someone. I would like to change this about myself but don't know how.



This one is a bit hard to address. Normally it’s your husband who’s describing his wife this way and looking for help. So you want REAL feedback from a guy who deals with this from his wife?
Back off. Let the little things slide. High standards are great. Unfortunately they are PERCEIVED standards and they are coming from YOUR PERCEPTION.

I’m not saying let everything slide. I am saying if he’s making an effort, an honest effort, start to realize that many times it’s not a “right” and a “Wrong” way, it’s simply YOUR way and HIS way. No one has to be right or wrong. It’s not a contest. This has been a hard issue for me, since I’m super competitive by nature. 

If you think of it as right and wrong, you’ll automatically keep score. Don’t. Fight that urge. Just posted about that the other day on my blog, it’s something I’ve struggled with for a long time and didn’t even realize it. Don’t keep score. The object is to KEEP PLAYING THE GAME (marriage) not WIN IT. Easier said than done, I know that from personal experience.




> 2.	I think I am always right and always know the best way to do something. I am not open to letting him give input on things and when he does get a chance to do something I find a flaw in it (see #1). I see this too. I do think that I know best 99% of the time. I put a lot of thought and research into every decision I make and never feel like I am going into something uneducated. My husband is more open to trying a bunch of things sand if they don't work, oh well, try something else. I feel this shows lack of planning and forethought and bothers me a lot. I realize this makes me pretty annoying and impossible to live with.


You need to classify that “bothers me a lot”. Would you rather have a marriage where your husband has no qualms coming to you and talking or would you rather be in charge. 

You’re making him feel like you are in charge, and he’s just along for the ride. Sounds stupid I know, but Men are simple creatures, and we are WIRED a certain way, no matter how educated or how far we try to get away from that flat-faced, big headed cave man we used to be. 

How about let him lead the way sometimes. He’d like it. Hell you might even enjoy it…

If the decisions you are dealing with aren’t life and death, what’s the big deal with letting him try it his way. Again, if you look at it as “Right” and “Wrong” the scorebook comes out again. Not the object.



> 3.	I don't give him basic affection, like hugs, kisses, cuddling. I do want to have sex with him and will initiate sex, but beyond those times I am just not a touchy-feely person. This is nothing to do with him really, I have always been that way. I just like having my personal space. I have heard this complaint from past boyfriends too. I don't know how to fix it. Being affectionate doesn't come natural to me, I have to basically write myself a note to remind myself to do it.


Wow..you and my wife should meet. This sounds like her.
Here’s the thing….again, MEN ARE SIMPLE.

We want to feel WANTED and PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE to our wives. Yes it can be that simple.

You guys have “role reversed” a bit. He probably feels like the only time you want to touch him is when you want sex. Usually it’s the other way around.

Simple answer here really. If you love him, and you want to be married to him, do it. What’s weird about stuff like this, the more you do it, the more you sometimes ending up wanting to do it.

It’s not like he’s asking you to dress up as Catwoman and hang from the ceiling in the bedroom. He just wants you to show him some simple affection. In the grand scheme of things, it’s not the big of a deal for you, but it’s obviously big for him. Big enough to mention it, even when you say he doesn’t care to express himself.



> That's all he let on last night but I am sure there is more. I am putting it out there because I am wanting to change and help us have a better relationship.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Actually that’s probably wrong. There probably isn’t much more than that. It took him a long time to get drawn out to say that.

It’s all about perception. To you, the hugging and kissing isn’t that big of a deal. You don’t really think about it. You obviously are attracted to your husband, you initiate sex with him. So why not smack or grab his butt now and again. Kiss him for no reason (not the normal “hi” “bye” stuff). Grab his hand in public. I bet you that if you start doing some of that, WITHOUT pointing it out and making a big deal of it, eventually he’ll start initiating this physical contact on his own. 

Now if you do all this then mention it to him the next time he doesn’t do something the way you want it done? You just started back at step zero.

I can’t reiterate enough how simple men can be in this regard. For some men it’s sex. For the men getting plenty of sex, it’s physical affection. I know I’d love for my wife to just come sit in my lap for no reason, with no expectation of sex. Honestly for the men, at least me and a lot of guys I know, it’s just our wives letting us KNOW with PHYSICAL TOUCH that they WANT us.

Hope this helps.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

the smartest people I know have 2 clear traits, they ask a lot of questions and they readily admit when they are wrong (to themselves and others). if you are not insecure about your intelligence, why would it matter if you were wrong? if your H is wrong 99% of the time, how could you respect him, sounds like he's a dunce. or maybe, you are not really arguing about the same things. 

on not being affectionate - if you learn how important it may be to your H, maybe you will become more affectionate. love is caring about the other person's happiness at least as much as your own, so if you love someone, you actually want to do the things that make them happy. you do not try to justify why you shouldn't do those things.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Do you compliment him when he does something right? Is he the bread winner in the family? If so do you tell him he's a good provider. To me mistakes = human not mistakes = carelessness. When you make a mistake do you openly admit it and apologize? If he does something wrong unless it's real important just say alright this is the way it is or we'll do it this way next time instead of criticizing. Instead of criticizing try to say in advance how you would like something done. There are many ways to say the same thing and get your point across. Hopefully he'll start coming out of his shell in response to these changes, if he's not worried about the reaction from you.

For the affection there are many ways to be affectionate. Write him a quick note and leave it where he'll find it. Cook him his favorite meal and tell him you wanted to do something for him. Text him every once in a while to say you are thinking about him. Also try to be just a little more physical. Just give him a quick hug when he comes home. Hold his hand while you're waiting on line at the store. It may take awhile but hopefully he'll respond to some of the changes you've made. Try reading His Needs, Her Needs. Good luck, sometimes life have us so busy we forget the important things and they're taken for granted.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

kag123 said:


> I am overly critical of everything he does.
> 
> I know best 99% of the time.
> 
> I don't give him basic affection, like hugs, kisses, cuddling.


Ouch.

Here is my tip. It's just one thing, but it's a biggy. Think about it in depth. 

_Instead of instructing your husband, support him. Every time you want to correct him, praise him instead. Let him take the lead._ 

If you do this, you'll have a much happier marriage. If you don't, you won't. MC will just prolong the inevitable.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Good for you for recognizing the weak spots in your relationship, and for wanting to take action to strengthen your marriage.

The posts here are excellent. My suggestion would be to carve out areas where each of you takes charge. Finances, cooking, home maintenance and repair, cleaning, vacations, weekly dates are examples of activities that one or the other should take the lead on. Whatever area your husband takes, you will bite your tongue and let him do it his way. As others have said, he will probably have some ideas that may seem strange to you, but let him do it his way. Everyone needs to feel competent in some aspect of their life.

Is his love language touch or words of affirmation? Show him that you cherish him in a way that he can appreciate each day. Remind yourself that efficiency is not king in your home, love is.

Come back in a few weeks and let us know how he responds to the new dynamic. I'll bet you will be giving us a sly grin!


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Being demanding and unsatisfied is a vicious circle. The more involved and critical you are in his every move, the less involved or responsible he will be. 

I think my wife has a natural tendency to 1 or 2. She is also extremely bad at taking equivalent criticism or direction. 

Perhaps you can tell him that he can set boundaries and you will try to honour them. We divide up chores and responsibilities in our house. We can joke about it now, but if she slips and can't resist criticizing or telling me exactly when or how to do something, I usually say something like "that is an excellent idea...what a shame you're not the one doing it because it's not happening that way."

Maybe your husband needs to learn to say no to you and you need to learn how to accept it. The alternative will be simmering resentment and disengagement on his part.

Never forget that reviewing the actions with hindsight can make us all feel brilliant in the present and everyone else (and even our past selves) look like an idiot. Also criticism is a very poor cousin of doing. I think I could easily convince myself I would make an excellent movie director because I can spot a good movie and harshly condemn a poor one. 

Finally, you can't control everything in your life. You need to accept that and deal with the anxiety that may at the heart of your behaviour.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I'm wondering, do you have these same challenges in all areas of your life? Are you as critical and unrelenting with your co-workers? Do you have family and/or friends outside your marriage? Do you treat them the same way you treat your husband? What about kids, either your own or nieces, nephews etc.?

I think it's often easy to get safe and comfortable with the people you live with and then it somehow becomes okay to be "honest" with them. In fact, they're the ones you should be most considerate of. 

My suspicion is that you're able to temper these habits when you deal with other people. Whether that's the case or not though, it seems like this is the ideal time to apply your work ethic and high standards to consciously recognizing the thoughts and words that you use with your husband and reframing those before you speak. Ultimately the solution to this is for you to put checks and systems in place to alter your perception about being "right" or "best" and to communicate your thought, feelings and opinions more considerately.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

*You don't listen to him so why should you listen to us?*


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## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

> Maybe your husband needs to learn to say no to you and you need to learn how to accept it. The alternative will be simmering resentment and disengagement on his part.


:iagree: I have these same issues in my marriage, only my husband is the one in your shoes, and I am the one on the receiving end. I am working on finding my boundaries and trying to enforce them, as well as opening up to sharing more with my husband. He is slowly trying to work on accepting that I have a will of my own.

If you want to help him to talk about things more, which it seems like you do — and I applaud you for this — the way to go about it is to try to _encourage_ him to share things with you, rather then forcing him to do so — and being open to listening what he has to share. Being constantly criticized surely doesn't encourage him to bring forward his most intimate thoughts and feelings.

My husband is quite the perfectionist also, and readily admits so. He also expects a lot of others — and even more from himself. I can see this causing him pain in professional life and other relationships too. Since you seem to be open to working on things, I would suggest looking into _why_ do you have such a need to be in control. After all, it is impossible to control other people, as it is impossible to control life itself.

Then again, in some ways your husband might have something to learn from you. I am like your husband, I'll try one thing, if it doesn't work I'll try another. However, with my husband I have come to realize that there are times when more planning or research can be useful. Your husband might adjust to your way in some things, too. But it doesn't happen by you ordering him to change. The only way he can do it is if he chooses to do so. 

When you criticize him, he probably feels attacked and needs to defend himself. The more this happens, the less he will be willing to do things your way. Then again, along with encouraging him to talk instead of forcing things out of him, dropping the criticism and giving him the physical attention he craves — you could then probably take one or two of the most important things you like done "your way" and tell him how it is that you like them and that it would make you happy/more comfortable if he would want to try to do them your way sometimes. You might be more successful.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

kag123 said:


> .I hold everyone to very high standards. I hold myself to even higher standards.


Here's a thought. Your marriage is one of the most important things you have in your life. You are not holding yourself to high standards as a wife, based on what you describe. If you truly hold yourself to high standards, apply that to your wifeing skills.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Neither my husband nor I have those qualities. We are both very laid back understanding people. Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes. That's how we grow stronger and learn from them. However, some mistakes are unforgivable like infidelity. 

I would take your husband's words to heart and work on yourself. It takes both of you to put the effort into making your marriage work and fulfilling. My husband and I tell each other everything, we are each others best friend. Neither one of us has expectations of one another. We live in a very peaceful household. Even our children are very well behaved and are big hearted little human beings. Having high expectations of others causes resentments. My husband and I have and always had a very strong relationship from the day we met.

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

Wow. I have been lurking for ages, not posted in a long time but HAD to log on to reply to this.

This sounds exactly how i am!!! I'm so analytical and can be quite critical, and i research things to death before carrying them out. My partner sounds a lot like yours. With regards to being critical and needing to have things done a certain way, believe it or not that comes down to Respect. He's a grown man, and trying to control how he does things (either directly, or indirectly by making 'suggestions') is disrespectful. I am like you, and it's very hard to bight my tongue and not 'help' or instruct when my partner is doing something inefficiently or not the way i would. But i've learn to pull myself up on it. I read a book called 'The proper care and feeding of husbands' and it helped me A LOT. Get that book!

As for physical touch, yep i am not into it so much. If we're going to visit someone, i'm dreading the hug i'm going to get, before we pull in the driveway! No matter how much i love my friends and family i am not a touchy person. I have learnt that my partner is, as is my middle daughter. I make extra effort to touch and hug them because it's one of their primary Love Languages. When you with hold physical touch from those people, it makes them feel unloved. Get the book The 5 Love Languages, it is excellent and one of the best books on human relations i have (not just for your spouse, but anyone you love!)

Good luck! At least you are looking at what you may be doing wrong, and are trying to change. That's a huge step, good one you.



kag123 said:


> Husband and I have issues. Biggest issue by far is communication...I am a talker, he is NOT. Often when I try to have any conversations with him, no matter how diplomatic I try to be, he shuts me out and refuses to respond and will leave the room.
> 
> We are in the middle of a big fight at the moment, and I pushed him very hard last night to tell me what he thinks. I got the feeling that he was holding back because he knew I wouldn't like what he had to say and so I told him to say whatever he wants, don't hold back, I can take it. I know a lot of people say that and don't mean it, but I am honest to the point of being brutal and want the same response from him.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

kag123 said:


> This is what he said:
> 
> 1. I am overly critical of everything he does. I make him feel like he cannot do anything right and he cannot live up to my standards. I can see that...I hold everyone to very high standards. I hold myself to even higher standards. I have always been that way. I have trouble letting go of peoples mistakes, to me mistakes = carelessness, and if you had a better work ethic you wouldn't be prone to mistakes. I realize this is harsh and not a loving way to treat someone. I would like to change this about myself but don't know how.


 I have a tendency to be this way myself to some degree if I am not careful..... I HATE wrecklessness, irresponsibility and waste. 

But I ask you.... you married this man....is he like this.... or are you being too critical over the smaller insignificant things? I know If I would have married someone who was continously making costly mistakes to set us back, (wasting his $$, does a half assed job on projects, late all the time).... I would have been pulling my hair out for years on end, but I was smart enough to marry someone very responsible with what he sets his hands too & keeps his word. We try to choose our friends wisely, our spouses even more so. You have perfectionist tendencies, this can make one naturally more critical of others, it is good to be humble about our own faults too- and before others. 












> 2. I think I am always right and always know the best way to do something. I am not open to letting him give input on things and when he does get a chance to do something I find a flaw in it (see #1). I see this too. I do think that I know best 99% of the time. I put a lot of thought and research into every decision I make and never feel like I am going into something uneducated. My husband is more open to trying a bunch of things and if they don't work, oh well, try something else. I feel this shows lack of planning and forethought and bothers me a lot. I realize this makes me pretty annoying and impossible to live with.


 I am also like you here, I am a researchaholic, I like to have the facts, and not be sitting there with my mouth hanging open in the midst of a crisis because I didn't do enough planning. Totally "get you" here. 

I often think I am right too - but that doesn't make my "*attitude*" good when we are speaking our truth. ....and this can upset the whole apple cart with our spouse. 










My husband is more quiet like yours also, he is a phlegmatic temperment, the most passive type man. I think where I may be little different relates to something SprucHub said.... about asking ALOT OF QUESTIONS , and admitting when we are wrong before each other. I always want my husbands imput, we come to the table and we DISCUSS near every decision about our lives, what to buy, where to travel, if one of us is feeling ignorned, wanting more sex, affection, all of it -it comes to the table or to the bedroom at night - and we talk. 



> 3. I don't give him basic affection, like hugs, kisses, cuddling. I do want to have sex with him and will initiate sex, but beyond those times I am just not a touchy-feely person. This is nothing to do with him really, I have always been that way. I just like having my personal space. I have heard this complaint from past boyfriends too. I don't know how to fix it. Being affectionate doesn't come natural to me, I have to basically write myself a note to remind myself to do it.


 WHat is going on here is your Love Languages are off.. you are not a Physical Toucher by nature, and he likely IS -beings he brought this up to you........you do not understand his needs because you are not feeling them like that (meaning you need to take a mental note to show affection) .... and he likely doesn't understand yours (He probably needs to make a mental note to satisfy , I'm guessing, if you desire him to help you around the house, or do little things for you -if you are an Acts of service woman, for example- just guessing )....as he is not wired that way. 

This is so common... it is always a blessing when we are matched with what we are , cause it all seems to just flow so naturally and easily - as people tend to give what they want to receive as well. 

Have you ever taken the Love languages Tests....here are 2 ...

The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages®

******* | Take The 5 Love Languages Test

and a short review of all 5 here >>>
The Five Love Languages: Knowing a Person's Love Language is Vital to Healthy Communication | Suite101.com

Please know...your husband is likely feeling empty , unfullfilled, less loved by you... if he is a true Physical Toucher. When he feels you pulling away or just not caring /thinking to give him a touch, it hurts. No spouse really wants to beg their partner to give affection , it is rather demeaning. 

Alot of these love languages can even be met by friends/family in our lives, but not the Physical touch, so it is vital to show this to our partner who craves it.... it will make all the difference in the world to him. You may see him open up like a delicate flower if you walk down this road... I did with my husband. 

For a time in my own marraige, even though I AM a physical Toucher by nature, I was cuddling and hugging my babies (had 5 in 9 yrs) , had them in bed with us near every night .....and guess what, my husband felt less loved by me, he didn't talk to me about it, just put up with it, but he really missed my touch, my attention.

I regret these things very much. Nice article here to help you understand what your husband needs : Gary Chapman: Speaking Love through Physical Touch


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

A weird saying I've learned since I've moved to Texas.... kind of a long story, but something about "f*cking a chicken". Like only one person at a time can "f*ck the chicken" and they don't need help. So, when H or I don't want help and the other offers unsolicited advice, the obvious reply is either "It's MY chicken." or "Who's f*cking this chicken?" Good way to say butt out, with humor. Or actually, when the other person is working on something and you are pointedly leaving them alone we say "It's your chicken."


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Go ahead nag some more. It only fuels my hate machine to do it my way even more.


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