# Nothing left to give?



## psu02 (Feb 18, 2009)

My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years (in June). My husband has been unemployed for a total of about 7 months at 2 different time frames. We have moved twice within this time as well. No kids but have been trying for about a year.

With that said....I'm not sure I have anything left to give. We have been struggling with the same argument for a good 4 years of our marriage. My husband putting his needs before mine as well as our relationship. He expected me to clean, cook and take care of him without much help. His paying the bills (literally sitting and paying them) he thought was enough. I have asked millions of times for him to help and he has promised to over and over. His promise lasts about a week or two, then it's back to the old way of living. 

This last time he was unemployed he did NOTHING around the house. Literally, nothing. My father even came to paint the outside of our house b/c of a letter from our homeowners association. I not only begin a new position last fall but was also completely my Masters degree and was still expected to continue to do everything at home. I can't tell you the last time he took the dog for a walk or even brushed him. Yes, I may have caved too many times but he knew how upset I got and he continued to not care to change. I changed things in the bedroom for him but got nothing in return. I even suggested counseling before but he said we didn't need that.

SO, here I am questioning what to do from here while he says he finally "gets it". I can't even cry about it anymore, and I'm an emotional person. He is obviously upset about it (crying) but I feel nothing. I think he just sucked it all out of me. He suggested counseling now but I don't know. How come he gets to make the decision? How can I believe him anymore when the trust is gone?

Concerned what all this means :-(


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## wantingmore (Nov 24, 2008)

Well you have invested 5 years of your life into this relationship and have worked your tail off.
What made you fall in love with him? 
Sometimes when people see they are about to lose what means the most to them they then realize how bad they screwed up. so maybe he is reallyy truely going to fight for it this time.

I would at least try the counciling with him. I understand your resentment, but I thinnk it would be worth a shot.
I would also put my foot down and let him know that this is the last chance, and you are still not sure if it is too late or not, but you are willing to try. If things go back to the "same old" that is it.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Sometimes a spouse had to go pretty far down the road in the erosion of a marriage before they finally “get it”. I did and until I hit that point I did little to improve the situation. If he has finally reached that point I think you owe it to your marriage to try and improve it. If he has taken that step to get counseling look at that as a sign he is ready to work on the marriage. Make sure you understand what you want in the marriage and then make him understand those needs. He needs to do the same. Good luck and move forward to see where it takes you.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Go on strike! 

No arguments, no fussing.. but just a happy 'oh it's your turn to do it dear, i'm going out' and a kiss and go to a movie or something.

Let me know how it works out, I've got some other ideas too, but this one might get his attention.

For instance - leave the dishes for him. If he doesn't do them, don't cook. Leave his clothes in the laundry room for him to do. 
If he just sulks (i had a hubby like this once) and wears the same clothes, refuse to be seen with him.

Take care of yourself in a loving way, and show him he needs to handle some things.

Let me know how it works out - I've turned around the most stubborn people with this thing called "love and logic"


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## lostluv (May 12, 2008)

I fully understand where you are coming from. I cried, yelled, begged, pleaded, and gave ultimatums. Nothing worked. Now that I was just getting comfortable with the idea that it was truely over he has now decided the marriage needs to be saved. Of course he can't understand why I'm not jumping for joy over his latest decission.

My advice to you would be if you think there is any chance you might want it to work don't close the door quite yet. You don't have to be a doormat but don't throw in the towel unless you are truely done. Once you convince yourself it's alot harder to change.


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## psu02 (Feb 18, 2009)

Thank you all for your advice! I told him I'm willing to go to counseling and we're actually going away for a night this weekend.

My fear though - what if I've truly just fallen out of love with him? I hate hurting his feelings and don't want to see him upset and truly wouldn't want anything to happen to him just not sure if there is that "spark" that's still there. He has been sleeping at a friend's for the past few nights and I am not sure that I have missed him, you know? 

I don't have that desire for him to hug me or kiss me.....does that mean something?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

The concept of “falling out of love” is generally a self preservation behavior. He has hurt you so you have walled off your emotions to him. It will take time for him to earn your trust in him back. We all know to well how a faltering spouse (yah guys, I’m primarily speaking about us) will make big changes to “fix” the situation then fall back into the bad behaviors that got us there in the first place. Make sure he understands your needs and keep a short leash on them. Also understand his and improve yourself in those. Falling back “in love” with your husband may take a lot of time but with patience on both of your parts it can happen. But you are right, unfortunately, sometimes it just doesn’t happen. You are both taking steps to repair your marriage, I applaud you. As I’ve said many times on the forum, you didn’t get here overnight…… Good luck


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## psu02 (Feb 18, 2009)

SO our weekend away was a little bit of a let down. My husband had been staying at a friend's all last week and came home on Friday to get ready to leave Saturday morning. We had plans to go out for a nice dinner on Friday but as we're driving there, we couldn't, and had to turn around to come back home b/c he was too upset to go out anywhere. I was a little dissapointed.

We go away Saturday and my husband got a wonderful room with a great view. We went to an aquarium and walked around to some shops for a bit and had dinner reservations at 630. We got back to our room around 2pm and just sat.....I ended up taking a nap b/c I was tired from not getting any sleep the night before when he had slept at home.

I hate just sitting around especially in a fun city and when we're trying to work things out and him telling me he's going BIG or going home. Anyway, we go to dinner at 6:30 and it was at a very nice place. Then we had plans to go to a dueling piano bar, which I love, and had been talking about all day. We get back to our hotel to relax for a bit, go get a drink at the hotel bar, then my husband changes his mind and doesn't want to go back out. It's only 10pm and I'm ready to go and was so excited before about trying something new.....

Now I just feel so unsure even more. I hardly slept at all the last 2 nights when he's stayed at home b/c I just keep thinking about it all and getting upset and angry as I'm trying to fall asleep. 

Yes, the hotel was great and the aquarium was nice, but if he's trying to "win me back" don't you think a little more effort may have been warranted?? I'm not high maintenance by any means but I guess I just expected more.

Am I not being fair?? I just really keep thinking he has NO idea what I like even after being together for 9 years.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Have you discussed your disappointment in the weekend with him? Does he know he let you down? You are not being unfair in stating what you want in your marriage but don’t expect him to do a full 180 and not make mistakes. Start by letting him know where he erred this weekend and ask him what you could have done to make his weekend more enjoyable.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Yes, def let him know, as nicely as you can, what would make it special for you next time. Since he is the one wanting to win you back, he's probably worried and nervous about what he's doing. let him know what will work and appreciate him LOUDLY when he does it


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## kate_spencer (Feb 20, 2009)

psu02 said:


> My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years (in June). My husband has been unemployed for a total of about 7 months at 2 different time frames. We have moved twice within this time as well. No kids but have been trying for about a year.
> 
> With that said....I'm not sure I have anything left to give. We have been struggling with the same argument for a good 4 years of our marriage. My husband putting his needs before mine as well as our relationship. He expected me to clean, cook and take care of him without much help. His paying the bills (literally sitting and paying them) he thought was enough. I have asked millions of times for him to help and he has promised to over and over. His promise lasts about a week or two, then it's back to the old way of living.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry about this happening in your marriage. Maybe this time he's really into it now. Maybe now he's ready to work it out. I don't know much about your relationship.. but all I know is why don't you give him another shot. If he's asking now that you consult on counseling, then try it. Maybe it's not too late to save your marriage.


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## DCBob (Feb 20, 2009)

Who knows what "love" is? Seems you care enough about him to try to work it out even after all the cr*p he did to you -- that sounds like "love" to me. Give it another try -- it may not work but you can always leave him -- that is always an option. Good luck!


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## psu02 (Feb 18, 2009)

Thank you all for posting and I hope you keep reading!

Last week my husband stayed at home but slept in our other bedroom. (he'd been sleeping at a friend's the week before) We had our first session of counseling last Monday and another one on Tuesday. I'm actually going by myself as well this week. 

He's been trying to help around the house more which was a HUGE issue and just the fact of him not putting me down so much. But I'm still not feeling anything. We went out to dinner last week just the two of us and I felt like I was just there with a friend....with A LOT less conversation. I don't have any desire for him to touch me or be near me romantically. He slept in bed last night together and I wasn't able to sleep well at all, with his arm around me. It just felt uncomfortable. 

I'm feeling a bit short tempered this weekend and wondering what this means. I have given so much and think I'm just so burned out I can't do it anymore. I can't look at him with the same admiration as when we first met. I can't trust what he says b/c he's said it over and over again. And yes, this time he's willing to do the counseling, and he is certainly more upset this time then most times in the past....

But that's just what's so frustrating. I have been feeling like this for years and now, when he's finally like this, I'm supposed to believe him?? Why is he the one that gets to decide he finally wants to really change and I'm supposed to try again? I couldn't take it anymore!

I am at the point now where I am just worried about him and what will happen to him if we separate. I know I will be fine b/c I've felt that I've been living by myself for so long doing everything myself. When is enough, enough? I don't want to seem like I'm giving up, but I'm not sure I can break down the wall and feel the same as I have before. I feel so much better about myself now, standing up to him and don't want to "give in" again in fear of it all going back to the way it was. I'm emotionally drained in this relationship and feel I deserve much better.


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## FHLove (Mar 12, 2009)

The short tempered may be everything coming together. It may be good that he is where he is now, it's not fair that he's the one that decides, but is trying again a horrible thing? 

Leaving someone is a big step, and something you need to be 100% sure about. Are you feelings for him truly gone, or is it just hard to see them now? It sounds like you've been here for a while, but wanted an overnight change. Change takes time.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

psu02 said:


> I hate just sitting around especially in a fun city and when we're trying to work things out and him telling me he's going BIG or going home. Anyway, we go to dinner at 6:30 and it was at a very nice place. Then we had plans to go to a dueling piano bar, which I love, and had been talking about all day. We get back to our hotel to relax for a bit, go get a drink at the hotel bar, then my husband changes his mind and doesn't want to go back out. It's only 10pm and I'm ready to go and was so excited before about trying something new.....



Fun city...dueling piano bar, your name is psu02 (could been Penn St)...

Where you guys in Columbus, OH? There is a great dueling piano bar in the Arena District there...

I used to live in Columbus (live in NE Ohio now) and was actually in Columbus this past weekend and was at that dueling piano bar, great place.

I believe Columbus has an aquarium as well...

Anyway, off topic I know, just curious because I was in that dueling piano bar this past weekend.


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