# Help! Husband not respecting our privacy..and then some



## Frustratedagain (Jul 12, 2012)

Help! A little background here.....my husband and I had a huge blowout and he stated that he wanted a divorce. He left, ran off to his brother's house and a few days later agreed with me to get counseling. He discussed every detail with not only his brother and sister in law, but other distant family members of his and his MOTHER! Ugh! He insists that it is best that he sleeps at his brothers house until the counselor tells him he should come back home. However, he feels that he can come over everyday to talk, get sexually intimate and turn around and leave and go back to the brothers house. Seriously, does that make sense to anyone here? I think he is being persuaded by his family to not come back home and I am livid. Please, I need some insight on this. What do you think????


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> he feels that he can come over everyday to talk, get sexually intimate and turn around and leave and go back to the brothers house. Seriously, does that make sense to anyone here? I think he is being persuaded by his family to not come back home and I am livid.


Persuasion aside, if you don't want to feel used, then stop letting him back in. Give him an ultimatum and stick to your guns.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

He is completely out of bounds, imo. I can understand letting family know that there are problems, they are serious and that you two are working on them but he has broken your trust by letting his family into your marriage. The details do not need to be given to them and should be worked out in counseling. 

Btw - are you really okay with him coming over for some nookie and then going back to his brother's place? Do you worry that he might give up those details as well? I personally would tell him not to come over and expect anything from you and that you will talk to him at MC. His boundaries are messed up.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

It sounds like he wants his cake and eating it too. I wouldn't put up with it. I agree that your being used.


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## 4cku7 (Jul 12, 2012)

If he's still coming over and getting sex from you, then he has no reason to fix things. He has an escape when the arguing starts or at any time when he feels uncomfortable he can run to his brother's house. So he's essentially getting the benefits of a marriage without having to deal with the problems. Stand up for yourself and don't let him use you that way. Don't let him come over at all if the sex is too tempting. Talk at counseling or meet at a public place and give yourself a time limit with him. Cut off communication with him for a few days if you have to. Let him know you have your own life and things to do and don't let him control the situation.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Frustratedagain said:


> Help! A little background here.....my husband and I had a huge blowout and he stated that he wanted a divorce. He left, ran off to his brother's house and a few days later agreed with me to get counseling. He discussed every detail with not only his brother and sister in law, but other distant family members of his and his MOTHER! Ugh! He insists that it is best that he sleeps at his brothers house until the counselor tells him he should come back home. However, he feels that he can come over everyday to talk, get sexually intimate and turn around and leave and go back to the brothers house. Seriously, does that make sense to anyone here? I think he is being persuaded by his family to not come back home and I am livid. Please, I need some insight on this. What do you think????


Getting outsiders (other than a trained professional) involved in your marital problems is immature, disrespectful, unfair and obviously destructive. If my wife left and came back over sometimes, I would probably let her do it for a while, especially if she brought food or money. But I am a little challenged in the area of self respect


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## srtjm (Jul 11, 2012)

What does your marriage counselor say about it?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I don't really see the harm in your H turning to his family for help and advice. Isn't that what families are for?
If you don't want him invading your privacy and having sex with you then tell him he can't! 
He will cake eat as long as you let him.
Time to get tough!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frustratedagain (Jul 12, 2012)

I haven't let him come back yet. I am going to tell him today that either he stays here or he stays there. But here is my question, if we are working on our marriage, why does he continue to sleep there?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> I don't really see the harm in your H turning to his family for help and advice. Isn't that what families are for?
> If you don't want him invading your privacy and having sex with you then tell him he can't!
> He will cake eat as long as you let him.
> Time to get tough!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I do. My family is extremely nosey and opinionated to the point where it's unhealthy. They make false accusations and my marriage is none of their business no matter how good or bad it is.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Frustratedagain said:


> he feels that he can come over everyday to talk, get sexually intimate and turn around and leave and go back to the brothers house.


He's cake eating and you are allowing it to happen.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

daisygirl 41 said:


> I don't really see the harm in your H turning to his family for help and advice. Isn't that what families are for?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not really. Babysitting, household help, financial assistance, furniture and clothing, all these might be better choices for family members to provide over relationship advice


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I do. My family is extremely nosey and opinionated to the point where it's unhealthy. They make false accusations and my marriage is none of their business no matter how good or bad it is.


I suppose it's very individual. When my H had his A I needed the support of my family. But that exactly what they did, supported me. Now he's home, they still support me and the decisions I've made. I suppose it depends on the family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Frustratedagain said:


> I haven't let him come back yet. I am going to tell him today that either he stays here or he stays there. But here is my question, if we are working on our marriage, why does he continue to sleep there?



Well you haven't told him that won't work. IF he wants to work on it, he has to do it from home. Period. He's doing the back and forth because he feels he can.

If he's serious about your marriage he needs to know he can't do it from anywhere else but his home. Running off to his family is a sure sign to you that he's says one thing and is doing another.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Stop fcking him.

Seriously. What good is it doing? You need some boundaries. He's using you. 

Tell him you are hurt by him sharing your intimate lives w/ others and about the act that he comes over, has sex with you and leaves again.

Time to have a serious discussion with him about your marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Frustratedagain said:


> But here is my question, if we are working on our marriage, why does he continue to sleep there?


Because he wants to. And because you haven't told him what you will and won't tolerate.


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## Frustratedagain (Jul 12, 2012)

I have not been intimate with him. I just stated that is what he wanted. I will, today, tell him he needs to be here to work things out. Not at his brother's. He said that the counselor, which our first appt is on Monday, needs to tell him if he can come home. WTH??? Ugh!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Frustratedagain said:


> I haven't let him come back yet. I am going to tell him today that either he stays here or he stays there. But here is my question, if we are working on our marriage, why does he continue to sleep there?


I am confused. You let him come back yet, but then question why he hasn't come back?


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

yea no sex if you are working on your problems and hes not living in the house. i think he is using that to his advantage (brother).
i personally dont think he wants to come home. if he wants all of those things with you during the day why cant he be their to snuggle with you afterwards in the night? cut off the intimacy and put your foot down. as far as the in laws, it is wrong for the information to be passed around, it leaves you with trusting, embarrasement and wondering what they will think of you leaving you insecure. in the end if they love you they will accept that you are human and that every couple goes threw things and give advice instead of feeding into it negatively. seems like he is leaving you to fend for yourself here. i hope that you get what you are needing and wanting!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

My wife seperated for 4 months and we did weekly MC through it all. She needed space and the MC helped us work on the R.

Maybe wait till you MC and see what they have to say. 

The key to my R was patience.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

i just seen the psot where the COUNSELOR says when its ok for him to come home.....Bolonga! thats an excuse here...mke sure you ask her/him that when you go!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

BTW. The minute someone walks away the world knows there is an issue. You can't control what the other is saying. All you can do is be the best example for the wayward and hope they pick up on a mature relationship.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Frustratedagain said:


> He said that the counselor, which our first appt is on Monday, needs to tell him if he can come home. WTH??? Ugh!


Stupid. 

If he bases major life decisions on what some third party says, you have a bigger problem on your hand.

How old is he?

And are you sure there's not someone else in the picture? (Affair). Cause the signs are there.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

daisygirl 41 said:


> I don't really see the harm in your H turning to his family for help and advice. Isn't that what families are for?


It all depends on what he’s saying and the perspective. Now I know my wife talks to a family member about our relationship. I also know more or less how it is said; She basically paints a picture of a boat so you will agree it’s a boat. She’ll tell you the shape and color and let you fill in the rest. She just omits any other view or information when the picture might actually be a sunken ship filled with floating corpses. So as a listener, you are picturing a nice yacht anchored off a peaceful beach and she won’t clarify. Your advice is based on what you think the situation is as described. Therefore all the advice is only going to be as good as the information she provided. Therefore the advice sucks. 

So, in my case, her family was convinced I was a stalkerish and unstable. Why? Because I was deep into snooping mode because she was lying, cheating, and had two boyfriends.... Did she share why I might be intercepting all her texts and phone calls or why I seemed paranoid and confrontational? Nope. Just that I was doing it and asking how she should deal with my actions.... So you can imagine all the horrible advice she got from her family. 



> If you don't want him invading your privacy and having sex with you then tell him he can't!
> He will cake eat as long as you let him.
> Time to get tough!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Absolutely true. Do not let him get ‘just the good parts’ of what he wants out of the relationship. All or nothing.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Without knowing the details of your argument, it may be best to stay apart until you speak with the marriage counselor if things got fairly heated. That being said, if he really wants to wait for the MC to make the call, then let him know he needs to take what he needs (clothes, etc.) until that time so that you can both have a break from one another. My personal opinion is that spewing all of your marital problems to his family will not be good for your marriage and relationship with them in the long run, and if I were you I would bring that up in counseling.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your not maried to the counselor so stand your ground and go dark until the appointment. 
By disengaging from him these next few days will show him how confident you are in letting him go. This tactic will get him to think twice about what he is about to lose. The confidence you show will make him second guess his choices.

No matter how weak you feel you must have this tough love approach that will clearly tell him that you are strong enough to not tolorate his sh!t.

If you choose a softer, nicer appraoch and acomidate him ...then he will continue knowing there are no consequences for this kind of behavior.

Get it ?

The biggest mistake is begging for the marriage


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Unless you are beating him up or causing extreme emotional harm, his leaving is the first step in (his) desertion. The last thing any woman needs is a man that runs away


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Frustratedagain said:


> I have not been intimate with him. I just stated that is what he wanted. I will, today, tell him he needs to be here to work things out. Not at his brother's. He said that the counselor, which our first appt is on Monday, needs to tell him if he can come home. WTH??? Ugh!


 I am not saying that this is true, it is only a possibility, but cheaters often ask for a separation and space in the belief that while separated seeing another woman (OW) is allowed. If this is the case, then he does not want to move back until he has fully explored the situation with the OW. At this point he now has complete freedom to do what he wants without you knowing. 

Ask him over for a face to face and have a voice activated recorder (VAR) on you. Look him in the eye and ask him "are you under the impression that while separated you can see other woman?" Once you ask this question, stop talking (shut up). The first one to speak loses. There may be a long silence, but let him be the first one to speak. Any answer other than a clear "no" is not a "no", and should be treated the same as a "yes". If the answer is not a "no", then ask him who she is and again stop talking.

I am not saying that he is cheating for sure, but his actions are a big red flag.


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> It sounds like he wants his cake and eating it too. I wouldn't put up with it. I agree that your being used.


:iagree:


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

If he wants to stay at his brother's place until the counselor tells him he should come home, so be it, but I wouldn't let him use me for take-away sex in the meanwhile.

Discussing your marriage with his entire family is inappropriate. That's what the counselor is there for.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Persuasion aside, if you don't want to feel used, then stop letting him back in. Give him an ultimatum and stick to your guns.


Agreed.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

cut off the honey..honey.


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