# Apathetic Husband should have never gotten married



## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

My husband recently came home from a non combat deployment. He has told me several times that his new outlook on life has nothing to do with his deployment. He was deployed for six months and until the last month we could communicate daily and he seemed happy to talk to me. He has been home for 3 weeks and I have noticed a change in him. He is very apathetic, he says nothing matters in life. He no longer wants children. We have none and have been married for 5 years. I would have described my marriage as amazing and wonderful if you talked to me before he came home. My husband was an extremely affectionate person and enjoyed a good snuggle quite frequently. Now he barely touches me, I get one hug a day and rarely a kiss. My husband has also told me that he wants to be alone and that he never should have gotten married (he has told me that repeatedly). He says he regrets everything in life. He told me no one really knows who he is. He has started saying more negative things about his family and his world view seems very negative now. I am really worried about him. He has recently started to go to bars to watch the game. When I asked if I could go with him, he said he needs to be alone. He then drinks and comes home at 3am or 4am. I do not know how to help him. We are in marriage counseling (only two sessions in) but the therapist said he doesn't think my husband is depressed. But I believe he is depressed. Most nights he either goes out or buys a bottle of whiskey and drinks about half of it. He tells me that his new outlook has nothing to do with me and that he thinks I am an amazing wife and he loves me. I forgot to mention, when we are home together he sits in the living room and I sit in the bedroom. We don't really speak at all. If I talk to him he seems very annoyed. We got in a few fights b/c I just couldn't take his cold shoulder and started nagging him (his words). We talked about him moving out for a while which lead him to staying out till 4am on Christmas. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I know its has only been 3 weeks but remember I haven't seen him in 6 months so it feels longer than its been. He seems upbeat when he talks to his friends on the phone but with me he is very short and rude when I ask the wrong question. 


I honestly don't know what I am trying to ask but if anyone has any advice I would appreciate it. I feel very alone and worried.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you checked his phone to see if there are any numbers he texts or calls a lot that you don't recognize?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What Turnera is saying is it may be possible that he's having or has had an affair. Check everything - phone, computer, bank accounts, kindle. The booze has to stop before he damages himself forever. Sorry to throw this scenario at you.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Ruey said:


> My husband has also told me that he wants to be alone and that he never should have gotten married (he has told me that repeatedly). He says he regrets everything in life. He told me no one really knows who he is.
> 
> He has recently started to go to bars to watch the game. When I asked if I could go with him, he said he needs to be alone. He then drinks and comes home at 3am or 4am. I do not know how to help him.
> 
> ...


I noticed several things in your post, which I quoted above. I'm confused because you mentioned that he says he never should have gotten married, but then in same post that he says you are an amazing wife and he loves you. If that is the case, he is certainly sending you mixed messages...WTF. 

His behavior is troubling, coupled with the fact that he has been away for 6 months and now giving you the cold shoulder. And I'm sorry...but married men in my opinion do not go out by themselves till 3 or 4 am. Not acceptable...let alone on Christmas. I'm glad you are in marriage counseling, but you two need to be able to discuss this yourselves as well. The no talking when both of you are home is not good either. I've been there...very stressful.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

This sounds bad. 
Something is definitely bothering him deep down. Trust me, I've felt the need to be alone and anyone saying anything would annoy me and feel like they were nagging. It was usually something I didn't want to talk about. I would bet it was something that happened during deployment (like PTSD). Maybe he witnessed something terrible that changed his view on life. 

I guess an affair could be the issue as well, but to me it sounds like something happened that shook him to the core, or he's really worried about something.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

I asked my husband if he is having an affair and he said no. I asked if he had an affair while he was deployed and he said no. I checked our bank accounts and he has spent quite a bit on alcohol and bar tabs. When I complained about his drinking he told me he is fine. I told him I don't want him to damage his liver and he was very sarcastic and rude. When he makes rude comments he apologizes later and says he shouldn't treat me bad because I haven't done anything to him. I agree that he is giving me mixed signals.

I checked the phone records and he isn't calling anyone or texting anyone except for some military buddies. He isn't protective of his phone. I honestly do not truly believe he is cheating on me. I know I could be wrong but I don't have an intuitive feeling about that. I just want to celebrate the fact that he is home but he keeps me at a distance. He won't let me get close to him. I can't ask deep questions without him getting annoyed. I am trying a new tactic and leaving him alone and not saying anything if he sleeps on the couch or goes out but I doubt this will do any good. I have no idea what to do. I keep trying my hardest not to break down sobbing in front of him but he is breaking my heart and I am terrified of losing him. He is the only love that I have ever had and I cracking under this. I am trying to find another job so I can get out of the house b/c I can't take the silent treatment. He also complained that he does not find me sexy anymore and that I let myself go (my weight has not changed since I met him). I was 19 when I met him and never went anywhere without make up and heels but I'm nearly 30 and that life is no longer practical. I have tried to make an effort to "doll up" since his comments to be more appealing to him. He noticed and said I look pretty but I'm still getting the silent treatment. I feel like I am losing my husband.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

JukeboxHero said:


> This sounds bad.
> Something is definitely bothering him deep down. Trust me, I've felt the need to be alone and anyone saying anything would annoy me and feel like they were nagging. It was usually something I didn't want to talk about. I would bet it was something that happened during deployment (like PTSD). Maybe he witnessed something terrible that changed his view on life.
> 
> I guess an affair could be the issue as well, but to me it sounds like something happened that shook him to the core, or he's really worried about something.


PTSD was my original thought as well but he said nothing happened during the deployment and it makes him mad to bring it up. He told the therapist that his deployment was more like a trip and nothing dramatic happened. I talked to him frequently when he was gone and he seemed happy. He said he did not want to come home. That he wanted to accomplish more when he was there. I thought he could have CTE which is a a brain injury that is frequently found is football players. He played contact football since he was 10 and often hit with his head. He played throughout high school, college, and arena ball. I have even brought up this issue when I noticed his hand tremor when he tried to pick up something. It was slight but I noticed it. He said it was nothing and that it doesn't happen often. Any suggestions make him mad or annoyed especially deep issues. I have not bothered him for a few days but this is eating at me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ruey said:


> I asked my husband if he is having an affair and he said no. I asked if he had an affair while he was deployed and he said no.


No, you're not understanding. NEVER ask your spouse if they are cheating. THEY WILL LIE.

YOU look at the phone records, by yourself, and find that one number that he contacts all the time, and figure out who that person is. All your red flags indicate cheating or depression. It's your job now to discover the truth, if you want to save the marriage. I know you said you looked, but people set up separate phone numbers and new email addresses all the time. 

Other than that, think long and hard about any things he's ever talked about in terms of what makes him unhappy about your marriage. Did you address them? Are you Love Busting him in any way? Are you meeting his most important Emotional Needs? Learn about this very important aspect in the book His Needs Her Needs.


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

I wonder if he has found out he has an illness while deployed like Parkinson's and is afraid to mention it. Hand tremors are indicative of something, could be blood sugar or something.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## WRN319 (Dec 26, 2015)

Have you talked to family support for your base? Military issues can be unique and they will know what you can tap into for resources. My husband was also non-combat, but coming home was still a big transition. In his case, he was very disillusioned by what he saw happening there. When they come home, they have been to a place we don't understand. Combat or no, it still changes a person.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

JukeboxHero said:


> This sounds bad.
> Something is definitely bothering him deep down. Trust me, I've felt the need to be alone and anyone saying anything would annoy me and feel like they were nagging. It was usually something I didn't want to talk about. I would bet it was something that happened during deployment (like PTSD). Maybe he witnessed something terrible that changed his view on life.
> 
> I guess an affair could be the issue as well, but to me it sounds like something happened that shook him to the core, or he's really worried about something.


It sounds like JBH is on the right track, Could be an affair as anything is possible but, If he is anything like I was he doesn't have the desire or motivation for that.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I'm thinking he has been with you since he was young and maybe he wants to be single now, date around, not have the responsibility of a wife. Whether he is having an affair or not his behavior is something I would not put up with, especially the drinking and staying out all night. He is becoming an alcoholic.. I would start doing a 180 on him and think about a life on your own, don't wait for him to decide what he wants to do in the marriage. He doesn't want children and if you do you need to be with someone who does want children.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

IMO, combination of depression and alcoholism to me. Not sure which one of those came first.

Half a bottle of alcohol a day is a lot. It will significantly impact his mood and libido.

Do you want to stay married to him if nothing changes?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Maybe a friend of his got divorced and is now living the life, and he's thinking that's what he missed out on.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

Tron said:


> IMO, combination of depression and alcoholism to me. Not sure which one of those came first.
> 
> Half a bottle of alcohol a day is a lot. It will significantly impact his mood and libido.
> 
> Do you want to stay married to him if nothing changes?


Yes because if he is having mental health problems I would hate to abandon him. He is my only love and we do not have children so no one will be hurt but me. I just have to figure out how to adjust so that it doesn't hurt as bad. I asked him if he thought it was a bit much on the alcohol and he said no. He gets annoyed if I bring it up. He said he can handle a lot of alcohol. I am worried that he may be driving home intoxicated. He doesn't come to bed when he gets home he just sleeps on the couch. I wake up hoping that he will be in the house in the morning.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

WRN319 said:


> Have you talked to family support for your base? Military issues can be unique and they will know what you can tap into for resources. My husband was also non-combat, but coming home was still a big transition. In his case, he was very disillusioned by what he saw happening there. When they come home, they have been to a place we don't understand. Combat or no, it still changes a person.


We don't live on base it is about an hour away. I mentioned that maybe I will try calling his commander to find out what is going on and he was beyond livid. He told me if I do that then he will become extremely destructive b/c it will mess up the only thing going well for him. (he later apologized for saying that... ) I did ask him to go to marital counseling and he agreed to do that. We are doing that now. He is really anti-military when he is "off the clock". He likes having his space away from military life. Do you think it would be inappropriate to call one of his military buddies to call and check up on him? I really can't see him opening up to anyone but idk I guess it is worth a try.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Ruey said:


> Yes because if he is having mental health problems I would hate to abandon him. He is my only love and we do not have children so no one will be hurt but me. I just have to figure out how to adjust so that it doesn't hurt as bad. I asked him if he thought it was a bit much on the alcohol and he said no. He gets annoyed if I bring it up. He said he can handle a lot of alcohol. I am worried that he may be driving home intoxicated. He doesn't come to bed when he gets home he just sleeps on the couch. I wake up hoping that he will be in the house in the morning.


What he says means nothing. Every alcoholic and drug addict will say that they aren't really drinking or using too much, that they can "handle it" and that it isn't having an impact. It's a fact that addicts lie, just like cheaters.

They get defensive when the light is shined on their addiction or when they are pressed to answer tough questions.

Your relationship is suffering, he's argumentative, he's detached, he's disconnected, he won't sleep in the same bed with you and is being intimate with a bottle instead of you. 

And you feel that the solution is to adjust your expectations of marriage so it won't hurt so bad? 

Ouch! Sorry, but that doesn't sound so great. Nothing changes for your H, but your needs continue to go unmet and you continue to get hurt every day. 

Please look online and drag yourself to an al-anon meeting for the spouses and children of alcoholics. Don't wait. Just do it and tell us what you learn. 

I also recommend you get a copy of "Co-Dependent No More" and read it.

Maybe @bfree, @bandit.45 and @Ms. GP can shed some more light on this for you.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

Tron said:


> What he says means nothing. Every alcoholic and drug addict will say that they aren't really drinking or using too much, that they can "handle it" and that it isn't having an impact. It's a fact that addicts lie, just like cheaters.
> 
> They get defensive when the light is shined on their addiction or when they are pressed to answer tough questions.
> 
> ...


I'm definitely willing to try going to a meeting but I'm not convinced he is an addict. Do people become addicts after 3 weeks? In the past he would drink on occasion but this extreme is only a recent problem. I'm also not sure that I am co-dependent or more so just in love with him and I committed my life to him so I don't want to throw him away because he has had a bad month. I haven't seen him in 6 months so eventually I would probably need to separate (temporarily) if he continues down this path. But throwing in the towel after 3 weeks seems wrong. I have been with him for 10 years married for 5. Before he left for deployment he was a great h. He has been very loving and sweet. I am trying to find a strategy to not be taken down along with him. I am trying to be strong b/c what I am doing right now (trying to not say anything or ignoring his behavior) is making me miserable. I'm sorry that I was not as clear in my last post. I go through ups and downs. I fluctuate between furious and desperate and everything in between.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

If it is only 3 weeks, then that isn't so bad.

Hmmmmm. :scratchhead: If that's the case, then what exactly happened 3 weeks ago that brought this on? 

Or, was he doing this during his last 6 month deployment and you just didn't know about it?

Do you have access to his credit card/bank statements? His phone? Phone tracking? Start 3 weeks ago and do some digging.


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

While he was away he may have had the realization that he prefers to be on his own, once he came home he felt trapped and had one of those "WTF" moments when he's second guessing his decision to get married.

He wants out, you have no kids, then pull the plug.


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

I have a question. When you went to the counselor that doesn't think he's depressed, did he/she ask him, "Do you think you might have a problem with alcohol?" 

FYI. That's therapist code for I think your an alcoholic, but I want you to see it for yourself first. I have learned this by having several therapists say it to me before I got sober 3 years ago. 

Why not try an alanon meeting? It's one hour of your life. You don't have to share if you don't want to. Nobody is going to tell you to leave your husband. I would try to listen for the similarities instead of looking for the differences. I've been to AA and alanon meetings and had wonderful experiences in both. What do you have to lose really?


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

Another thing to try if you're really nervous. YouTube has tons of Alanon recovery speaker tapes. Just type in recovery speakers and pick an Alanon one. They are usually really funny too. See what you think.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

What is his job in the military ?


Prior to Desert Storm the military did NOT see as much combat as they do today. 

Back then I knew more Cops that have seen more combat in the streets of NYC then many military people.. Heck I know Cops that are in the military that have seen more combat in the streets than on deployment. 

So lets not just assume military means he has killed someone or seen someone die.. I have seen MANY, MANY people shot and killed of all ages and sexes in my life.. I've seen more child pornography in 9 years as part of my work than 1000s of people would see in a life time. I've had a ex wife cheat on me several times before abandoning me and my kids.. 

And I am not running around blaming every woman for my ex wife issues.. 

I'm not comparing myself to him, But I am.. Is he some special agent and he isn't telling you ? IDK..

I just believe he had A LOT OF FUN this last trip doing what he wanted to do, when he wanted to do and now he feels the marriage is dragging him down..

I would ignore him and go out yourself.. Let him come the fvck home and wonder where the fvck you are at 4 am... Let see how quickly he cares then.. 

When you get the text, " Where are you" 

You respond "Not Home"

Therapist ask secret questions to discover the truth.. They don't ask are you depressed ? Do you feel like killing yourself ? 

Example the Roshak test, only a few of the ink blot images mean something.. The rest are all plants they mean nothing for the most part.. 

Again do the 180 and see how quickly he will start to give a fvck.. 
*
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth...*

Don't be a sucker and grow up a bit..


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

WRN319 said:


> Have you talked to family support for your base? Military issues can be unique and they will know what you can tap into for resources. My husband was also non-combat, but coming home was still a big transition. In his case, he was very disillusioned by what he saw happening there. When they come home, they have been to a place we don't understand. Combat or no, it still changes a person.





Ms. GP said:


> I have a question. When you went to the counselor that doesn't think he's depressed, did he/she ask him, "Do you think you might have a problem with alcohol?"
> 
> FYI. That's therapist code for I think your an alcoholic, but I want you to see it for yourself first. I have learned this by having several therapists say it to me before I got sober 3 years ago.
> 
> Why not try an alanon meeting? It's one hour of your life. You don't have to share if you don't want to. Nobody is going to tell you to leave your husband. I would try to listen for the similarities instead of looking for the differences. I've been to AA and alanon meetings and had wonderful experiences in both. What do you have to lose really?


My brother went on a non combat deployment with the army, and came back very changed. I believe he went with an infantry engineer unit to build..something? i honestly forget. But basically, they were there for months with no way to effect any change. There was child prostitution in the country he was deployed to, and i think he saw some things that truly scarred him, although he still won't talk much about it ( i don't blame him or push him to talk). I think it messed with him a lot that his hands were tied to help the children. When he came back, he was drinking all the time.

Your husband's story sounds eerily similar to his. I know talking to the other guys my brother was deployed with helped him a lot, and he's doing much better now. He still will call them, just to check in. I'd like to see him sober, but he's no longer self medicating every day with it.

I like the al anon idea, there's not much you can do for him until he becomes open to getting help. Find ways to help you cope.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

Ruey said:


> We don't live on base it is about an hour away. I mentioned that maybe I will try calling his commander to find out what is going on and he was beyond livid. He told me if I do that then he will become extremely destructive b/c it will mess up the only thing going well for him. (he later apologized for saying that... ) I did ask him to go to marital counseling and he agreed to do that. We are doing that now. He is really anti-military when he is "off the clock". He likes having his space away from military life. Do you think it would be inappropriate to call one of his military buddies to call and check up on him? I really can't see him opening up to anyone but idk I guess it is worth a try.


I do feel really bad for you right now, @Ruey. It sounds like you're doing your best to cope with this situation. I can't imagine having someone come home a completely different person in such a negative way.

Something is definitely getting to him and it's something he doesn't want to discuss with you or doesn't want you to know about. I hate the say this, but I actually find this situation quite mysterious and fascinating. Why would he be so upset about you calling his commander or friends? Why does he dislike the military when he's off-duty? Why the sudden addiction to alcohol and need for alone time?
Why did this all start while he was on deployment?


Right now, my best suggestion is to try to get him to see a therapist that might be able to dig into his psyche to find out what's going on. Before you do that, meet with the therapist one on one and express your concerns. Give her all the information you've shared in this thread.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

IMO he does not need a therapist he needs a trip to a doctor to arrange a series of tests.

He could be suffering from many different ailments or none at all. 

Brain tumour, depression, parasitic infection, Parkinsonism, Parkinson-like symptoms caused by medication and so forth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

He has been drinking tonight and he stayed home so he opened up a little. He does have a special military job and he had to encounter individuals that engaged in sex slavery. While he was deployed I thought he sounded like he lost compassion for humans towards the end of his trip. He was disgusted by some cultural differences and treatment of women and children. He saw a lot of handicap begging children. He freely shared that information with me when he first got home. I think that could have impacted him. I don't recall the therapist bringing up drinking but I don't want to bring up anything that could jeopardize his career. I'm going to check out the YouTube videos for aa family member support. I appreciate everyone's input. 

I'm not going to leave my h unless I find out he had an affair. 10 years is a long time to throw away especially considering he has been a good h up until now. During the deployment we talked daily and were very much in love until the last month he became somewhat distant. Once he text me the world was evil and then when I asked him to expand on it he didn't really. I've brought it up a few times but he hasn't said anything specific or big happened. Once He got home after the first two nights he became extremely cold and distant. I tried to stay out of his way but lately ive been trying to ease him into talking more. Some times I'm successful others I'm not. He often apologizes when he snaps or says something out of line to me.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

From what you have said, it sounds like he saw or did things on his last deployment that were very disturbing. He is having a difficult time with them. Give him time to adjust to being home, and to sort through what he saw/did. Keep encouraging him to talk and be open with you. Did you say that he is willing to go to IC himself?

Don't give up on him, but don't tolerate abuse. Keep going to counseling, and definitely do the Al Anon stuff. Al Anon is for you, so you don't get sucked into trying to control his drinking. Only he can control his drinking.

We're here for you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ruey said:


> He has been drinking tonight and he stayed home so he opened up a little. He does have a special military job and he had to encounter individuals that engaged in sex slavery. While he was deployed I thought he sounded like he lost compassion for humans towards the end of his trip. He was disgusted by some cultural differences and treatment of women and children. He saw a lot of handicap begging children. He freely shared that information with me when he first got home. I think that could have impacted him. I don't recall the therapist bringing up drinking but I don't want to bring up anything that could jeopardize his career. I'm going to check out the YouTube videos for aa family member support. I appreciate everyone's input.
> 
> I'm not going to leave my h unless I find out he had an affair. 10 years is a long time to throw away especially considering he has been a good h up until now. During the deployment we talked daily and were very much in love until the last month he became somewhat distant. Once he text me the world was evil and then when I asked him to expand on it he didn't really. I've brought it up a few times but he hasn't said anything specific or big happened. Once He got home after the first two nights he became extremely cold and distant. I tried to stay out of his way but lately ive been trying to ease him into talking more. Some times I'm successful others I'm not. He often apologizes when he snaps or says something out of line to me.


That kind of stuff could cause PTSD or depression.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Ruey said:


> He has been drinking tonight and he stayed home so he opened up a little. He does have a special military job and he had to encounter individuals that engaged in sex slavery. While he was deployed I thought he sounded like he lost compassion for humans towards the end of his trip. He was disgusted by some cultural differences and treatment of women and children. He saw a lot of handicap begging children. He freely shared that information with me when he first got home. I think that could have impacted him. I don't recall the therapist bringing up drinking but I don't want to bring up anything that could jeopardize his career. I'm going to check out the YouTube videos for aa family member support. I appreciate everyone's input.
> 
> I'm not going to leave my h unless I find out he had an affair. 10 years is a long time to throw away especially considering he has been a good h up until now. During the deployment we talked daily and were very much in love until the last month he became somewhat distant. Once he text me the world was evil and then when I asked him to expand on it he didn't really. I've brought it up a few times but he hasn't said anything specific or big happened. Once He got home after the first two nights he became extremely cold and distant. I tried to stay out of his way but lately ive been trying to ease him into talking more. Some times I'm successful others I'm not. He often apologizes when he snaps or says something out of line to me.


Guess what much of what he seen goes on state side as well.. 

I'm not gonna boo hoo him.. But come on.. 6 months ? 

Trust me I have seen much worse... I have seen what goes on behind closed doors.. I've seen victims and videos.. I didn't have the luxury of turning my eyes or walking away.. I've done this for 25 years.. One of my first arrest was a Mexican man that raped at 8 year old.. He ran off after the arrest and was apprehended on a fingerprint hit coming back into the USA.. That was about 20 years later.. This girl was now about 28 and had a child of her own.. I've taken kids away from abusive parent, from sex abusive parents and relatives, which included grandfathers and fathers at the same fvcking time.. 

Trust me this sh!t hits home much more when you have your own kids and know what they can be exposed to.. 
Google search NCMEC study on child pornography and the people that investigate it.. Me and many of my co workers fit those results to a Tee..

Take it from a guy who has been curb stomped to the ground by his ex wife.. Life is short.. 

Go systematically down the line and make sure he agrees to run all these test.. Once they come back negative ( and they will )... Then start making some logical assumptions and act accordingly..

I'm sorry this just doesn't sound right to me.. I mean really what do you expect when you join the military or any sort of work with that sort of appeal to it ? 

I have a friend who has been in 2 gun battles and just isn't like your husband.. I mean twice people literally tried to kill him and he isn't all fvck the world.. He is fvck these bad guys we deal with on the streets, but he isn't worried about the old lady trying to kill him now..

My brother drank for years and didn't have any liver problems.. Again 6 months and he has the shakes from alcohol ?.. He drank before I am sure of it.. But now he is addicted ?.. No.. 

I am sticking with He just doesn't have the balls to cut you loose.. He knows.. He fvcking knows you're a good woman and a kind person.. He knows you can do better.. But he just doesn't have the balls to cut you lose.. He just isn't man enough to say it. Its that plain and simple..

Trust me I was in a similar situation.. It took me months and months to figure it out.. Why didn't I love this woman anymore.. Is it me.. How can I fix this ? What went wrong ? How can I go back and figure it out.. 

In the end I cut her lose.. But she knew it for a while.. I tried to play it off.. She actually gave me the out.. She made it easier for me.. But she knew it..


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

Thank you. I appreciate your advice. I am going to ask him about IC again. I brought it up before but he said he might go if I nag him enough.... So who knows. The therapist thought it was strange that my h doesnt believe his deployment contributed to his new ways. He also thought it could just be he is having a hard transition. I think it's more since he keeps saying he should have never gotten married and that he wants to be alone. I'll check out the support program as well. You guys have been so helpful, I've been going a little crazy dealing with this on my own. :relaxed:


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

Ruey said:


> We don't live on base it is about an hour away. I mentioned that maybe I will try calling his commander to find out what is going on and he was beyond livid. He told me if I do that then he will become extremely destructive b/c it will mess up the only thing going well for him. (he later apologized for saying that... ) I did ask him to go to marital counseling and he agreed to do that. We are doing that now. He is really anti-military when he is "off the clock". He likes having his space away from military life. Do you think it would be inappropriate to call one of his military buddies to call and check up on him? I really can't see him opening up to anyone but idk I guess it is worth a try.


He could just be hating the military and is feeling trapped by it. Both my sons came out rather cynical and were very ready to depart. Something could have happened like a reprimand or someone doesn't like him and boy they can make it miserable for them. My youngest said the military is not conducive to marriage and he hated it.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

Yeah that is similar to how he feels. He is a free spirit so too much confinement chokes him. He told me that plenty of people cheated on their wives during deployment so I know it can be hard on marriage. He talks about getting out but part of him enjoys the aspect of protector and defender. I feel I went into the deployment too naïve. I expected everything to be just like before and without changes but I was dead wrong. I feel a bit silly honestly. Live in learn I guess...


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

Update: he cheated while deployed. I found out early this morning. I asked him several times since he got back but this time he finally admitted it. We are getting a divorce. I can't believe this is happening. I am devastated. I don't want a divorce honestly but I know it's the right thing. I'll never be able to trust him again. I know it's a rush but I'm filling today. Honestly it doesn't feel real.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I am sorry, Ruey.

Being retired military, I can tell you that the culture of infidelity is rampant, with both Joe's and their spouses/SO's.

Get it done and put him behind you. You deserve better.

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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

Thanks I appreciate your support. My life will be very different very soon. I'm going to move out as soon as I can. I still can't believe it happened. Wow . I'm kinda in a state of shock.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

Ruey said:


> Update: he cheated while deployed. I found out early this morning. I asked him several times since he got back but this time he finally admitted it. We are getting a divorce. I can't believe this is happening. I am devastated. I don't want a divorce honestly but I know it's the right thing. I'll never be able to trust him again. I know it's a rush but I'm filling today. Honestly it doesn't feel real.


Ouch, Ruey.. I'm soo sorry to hear about that! Painful! 

I know it must really suck to throw that awesome 10 yr relationship away, but it sounds like you're doing what's best for you, especially if you aren't married. I think that really explains his behavior too. That's why he was annoyed by you asking him questions. 

He had a guilty conscience. I'm glad he finally came clean and you don't have to chase this mystery anymore. 

If you need any support, you'll find lots of people here that will help you, particularly in regards to infidelity. People hate cheaters here and the "OM" or "OW" (other man, or in your case other woman)


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

I am married. Or I was is a better expression for 5 years. Just made it past the five year mark. We have been together for 10 total. Yeah it sucks but there is some relief in knowing he isn't an alcoholic or mentally ill. I still care for him deeply so it's better than some alternatives. Thanks for your input.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Ruey, check your PM's.

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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

So sorry Ruey. Now you know what's up.

Good job getting to the bottom of it.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

Thanks it's a pretty interesting story how it all came out but at least he was finally honest. I'm happy it wasn't something more serious even thought it going to cost me my marriage. Do you think I should wait to file or do people file right away?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Would you care to elaborate on what happened? What was his story?

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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Ruey said:


> Thanks it's a pretty interesting story how it all came out but at least he was finally honest. I'm happy it wasn't something more serious even thought it going to cost me my marriage. Do you think I should wait to file or do people file right away?


Ruey,

The general consensus and my recommendation is to wait a period of time on filing. Allow your emotions to settle down. The will be all over the place for a while. 

When they do and when you have had an adequate time to work through your feelings and your thoughts, you then make the decision either to divorce or to try to reconcile. 

Whether you decide to D or R, for your own sanity and long term emotional health I would recommend you do what they call the 180.

_The 180 list is from Michelle Weiner Davis' book Divorcebusting:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!

2. No frequent phone calls

3. Do not point out good points in marriage

4. Do not follow him around the house

5. Do not encourage talk about the future

6. Do not ask for help from family members

7. Do not ask for reassurances

8. Do not buy gifts

9. Do not schedule dates together

10. Do not spy on spouse

11. Do not say "I Love You"

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)

21. Never lose your cool

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic

23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger)

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel

34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes 

Basically get busy living your life as though he was never a part of your life to begin with. 

Work on improving yourself , your life, making the necessary changes that you need to make (which you should be doing anyway ~ with or without him)_


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

Wow awesome 180 advice. I basically broke every rule in one day. I'll give it some time on filling. You are so right my feelings are going crazy. I'm up and down for sure. There is a huge release in knowing the truth. I am going to implement those rules right away. 

All the sad details...

My h started to drink last night and do his normal watch sports and ignore me routine. I sat with him and started making small talk. The alcohol made him open up about a female soldier hitting on him. He started talking a lot about what took place while deployed. So many guys cheated and he drive buddies to hotels to cheat. After talking a bit, I tried to go to bed but couldn't so I went back out and began to try to seduce him. Idk y just felt lonely I guess. This story is tmi sorry in advance. He ending up taking the bait but seemed reluctant about doing the deed. I keep pursuing him till he cracked. Pulled out all the "tricks"and afterward I just knew the truth. I knew it right afterwards. He gave me a look and I just knew. He asked is something on your mind? I just laid on his face and asked please please be honest... Did u cheat? He admitted it to an affair with a civilian contactor whom he sleep with 3 times. He started bawling his eyes out. I've never seen him cry like that. I felt oddly calm about it all. Apparently sex is magic truth serum. I honestly am not mad that I slept with him. Its had been so long. But I am obviously sad, confused, angry, disappointed, embarrassed, and overall feeling down. He tried to tell me details but I honestly didn't want to know any. I don't know if we will r or d. The dumb part of me wants to still be with him. The smart side wants to also. The saddest part is I told him so many times if he cheats I would divorce him. I feel like a coward. Ups and downs I guess. Sorry if this story was tmi.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

intheory said:


> Ruey,
> 
> My step-father was in the military, drank, drugged and cheated on my mother.
> 
> ...


Thanks. I never wanted to be divorced at 30. Never would have expected this. I don't feel young. I know it isn't me. Right before he had an affair he revived an anniversary care package from me. It was decorated with all of our wedding pictures. I feel like an idiot but I know it's not my fault for sure. I have been a very good wife to him. I have given everything. I never denied him sex, I cooked for him ever night, and I never asked for much. Affairs are so evil...... But he made a choice. Thanks for the encouragement.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Don't do anything right now. If you need him to leave, tell him so. But don't make any decisions. It will take you a couple months for the ups and downs to even out. Take care of yourself, eat well, exercise, and go see a counselor so you have someone to talk to.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

Thabks. I'll try to. Feeling a little crazy at the moment.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Is your husband begging you not to leave him? What was his reaction when you told him you wanted a divorce?


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

He said he accepts it but doesn't want to beg. He said it wouldn't be right. He keep sobbing sorry. He said he knew what he was doing and knew I previously said I would divorce him a thousand times if he cheated. He knew that. I have always made it clear. He still decided to have sex with someone else though. I asked if that meant he didn't want to be married he said he wanted he wants to be married but he want a moment of pleasure.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Ruey, I'm so sorry you are in this position...but at least you know what happened and at least he admitted to it. There are plenty of spouses out there who deny, deny, deny and make THEIR spouses feel like they are crazy for thinking anything happened. I think you will need some time to sort though all this. Do the 180 as others have suggested and focus on yourself for now. I'm not remembering if you are in individual counseling, but make sure you go for yourself as you will need it. You did not give us TMI, no worries. Hoping that you have either family or girlfriends who can be a source of comfort to you right now. Hang in there.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

bluezone said:


> Ruey, I'm so sorry you are in this position...but at least you know what happened and at least he admitted to it. There are plenty of spouses out there who deny, deny, deny and make THEIR spouses feel like they are crazy for thinking anything happened. I think you will need some time to sort though all this. Do the 180 as others have suggested and focus on yourself for now. I'm not remembering if you are in individual counseling, but make sure you go for yourself as you will need it. You did not give us TMI, no worries. Hoping that you have either family or girlfriends who can be a source of comfort to you right now. Hang in there.


Darn it I lost the reply I tried to send. I'm not in ic but I'm going to try to get in asap. What do you think about asking questions about whether or not he is still with her? I don't know if she is state side or not. Should I pursue it or let it be? You and everyone else has been a godsend. I don't have a lot of friends so this is literally saving me.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

I know this is going to sound so bad guys but is sex off limits? I mean honestly he has been gone for a while... I feel like the answer is yes but I don't want it to be. Especially if he isn't sleeping with the OW anymore. Should I ask if he is still sleeping with her? I don't know I feel so silly for asking this but a girl has needs people. -


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She's not there, right? She's from someplace else? It sounds like it was a temporary thing. It sounds like he maybe hates himself for what he did, and maybe hates life for what he saw on the job. IF he really stopped it and can prove it to you, and you really love him, my voice would be to at least consider staying together. But only if he gets IC and you can work through this stuff. If he shuts down, I'd run.

As far as sex, if you need it, you need it. But ONLY if he can first prove he's not seeing her and he gets a clean bill of healthy for STDs. But I would make it clear to him that it does NOT mean you're staying with him.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Ruey said:


> Darn it I lost the reply I tried to send. I'm not in ic but I'm going to try to get in asap. What do you think about asking questions about whether or not he is still with her? I don't know if she is state side or not. Should I pursue it or let it be? You and everyone else has been a godsend. I don't have a lot of friends so this is literally saving me.


It depends, Ruey. If you are considering reconciliation, you need to find out as much as possible, or rather as much as you are okay asking about. You need to know what you are forgiving.

If you are indeed divorcing, don't bother and move on.

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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

I keep going back and forth. Part of me wants to be with him b/c I'm in love with him but the other part doesn't because I told him I would divorce him if he did this so shouldn't I keep my word? I don't want to be a coward afraid to walk away. It is hard to know b/c my feelings keep changing. The 180 stuff is hard b/c he is usual the one who comforts me when I am down. Can I not turn to him for comfort anymore? I will tell him about the sex thing that it isn't a guarantee we will be together. Hopefully we can at least maintain a physical relationship while I'm deciding. I just feel like I have to store up on the physical affection b/c I have absolutely no intentions of ever getting married again if we decide to d. He really was a good husband all things considering. I care for him so deeply we were best friends so this just sucks so bad!!! 

farsidejunky
I honestly don't want to know any details except whether he is talking to her right now. Other than that I don't want to know. I haven't made up my mind on whether or not we will D or R. Who knows at this point I just found out early this morning. I haven't made up my mind. We were up all night and I went to sleep with the intentions of divorcing him. We looked up the fees and the was to file together. He cried. I cried a little too. When I woke up later I started to print out the divorce forms and just felt overwhelmed. I was horrified at the idea of divorcing him. I still am. Why is adultery so awful? He honestly has ripped my heart out of my chest and stopped on it then poured bleach on it. It makes you feel pretty silly staying home every weekend for six months just thinking about your H only to find out he was getting it on with someone else.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Schedule a therapist that you two can see together.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Bless your heart Ruey - my heart just breaks for you.

Take some time to work through your feelings. You don't need to decide anything now. Talk with a counselor if you need to. Take care of yourself. I'm just so very sorry...................


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

We have an appointment for next week. That is a soon as the therapist is available. This will be our third meeting. You guys are so kind. Thank you so much for caring and offering advice.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Stick around, Ruey.

I am going to tell you that all appearances are the makings of a remorseful spouse, which is better than most on here.

Take things slow, keep posting. 

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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

set him free - you're going to be forever putting the OW between the two of you aren't you...


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

spotthedeaddog said:


> set him free - you're going to be forever putting the OW between the two of you aren't you...


Yes and no. I don't hate the OW. I don't care about her. My H is very handsome I can understand why someone would want to sleep with him. I just wish no one did. I wish he wouldn't have hurt me this way. I really would have preferred a punch to the face.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think you need to slow down a little and let it all soak in and the shock to wear off. Separation might be a good first step rather than divorce. I can see there's a good reason for divorce; if he knows you won't divorce him over cheating, he'll just do it again, and then you'll have gone through all of the hard work of reconciliation for nothing. On the other hand, being away for 6 months is not normal circumstances, and if he was to never go away again for that period of time, maybe he would never cheat again (if that sort of deployment is going to happen again, there's a high chance he'll make the same choices).

You say he has been a good husband, but you've rug swept the last month. You think, 'it's only a month', but it counts. There'll be more highs and lows coming at you in life and if this is his reaction to the lows, you are going to see much more than 1 month of it. He was the one who cheated yet you are the one who has been paying the price. Instead of guilt making him try harder to keep you, it has made him push you away and treat you like dirt. Apologising for saying something nasty doesn't wipe the slate clean. I tell my kids this all the time. Apologising is important, but the damage has already been done. He has repeatedly been hurting you since he's gotten back through his words and actions; regardless of what he says after the fact.

You've been very nice and understanding, letting him vent on you, letting him take out his frustration and anger on you. One thing you've forgotten is that you are not an emotional and verbal punching bag. At no point has it been acceptable. If you continue to put up with it, you are telling him and yourself that you are worth nothing. Tell someone something often enough and they'll start to believe it.

You accept his apologies and you let it go hoping that he'll be nicer next time. This is what I see happening with his infidelity. You'll slide back into the relationship, having sex, making him breakfast, crying over him being out all night drinking but cuddling up to him when he gets home. Soon enough it'll be a distant memory and you'll be this little husk of a woman begging her husband to give a damn.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Ruey,

You seem worried that by not divorcing him you will look weak for going back on your word. But look at it this way: when you said you'd divorce him if he ever cheated on you, it was before you understood the complexities of marriage. Everything is not so cut and dry after 5 years of marriage and 10 years together.

You are allowed to change your mind and not force yourself to follow through with ending it over infidelity just to keep your word.

What farsidejunky said about your spouse seeming remorseful is something to consider. Watch him, to see if he remains remorseful, and how he deals with what he did now that you know.

Other things to consider are: Will you be able to put it behind you? Will he be able to be faithful in the future?


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

Breeze at this point in furious. I effing hate him. I am devestated. I am beyond angry. But I love him. Every word you said is right. I am going to read your post to him. I hate myself for wanting to be with him. He is the most stupid H in the world. We had so many plans for the future and it's all over. He wants to move out. He said he is torn. He wants to be married but he feels he cannot be faithful. So g e wants to end it. He opened up more and he was continuing to email her last date 21st of Dec. He had sex with her 1 week b4 coming home. She didn't know he was married. He told her on the 21st. He deleted the emails so I couldn't find them. He also had an emotional affair with her and took her out around town. I am burning with anger. We have been screaming and crying all day. He just went out to get whiskey??????!!! He is such a effing dirt bag. I want to disappear. I am so broken.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Ruey,
> 
> You seem worried that by not divorcing him you will look weak for going back on your word. But look at it this way: when you said you'd divorce him if he ever cheated on you, it was before you understood the complexities of marriage. Everything is not so cut and dry after 5 years of marriage and 10 years together.
> 
> ...


I can't put it behind me. He won't be faithful in the future. He is a piece of trash.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

He said that he still wants to contact the OW and that he doesn't know if he will. Wtf?!? He said he is infatuated with her. He has only known her for a month in a half.... My gosh I need help. Please pray for me.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Ruey said:


> He said that he still wants to contact the OW and that he doesn't know if he will. Wtf?!? He said he is infatuated with her. He has only known her for a month in a half.... My gosh I need help. Please pray for me.


Praying...

As long as he is still stuck on her, you need to move toward divorce. There is nothing to talk about (reconciliation) if he is still thinking of her. Have you asked him to move out, and given him a date by which he must be gone?


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Honey,let him go. You deserve so much better. He's really messed up


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ruey said:


> Wow awesome 180 advice. I basically broke every rule in one day. I'll give it some time on filling. You are so right my feelings are going crazy. I'm up and down for sure. There is a huge release in knowing the truth. I am going to implement those rules right away.
> 
> All the sad details...
> 
> My h started to drink last night and do his normal watch sports and ignore me routine. I sat with him and started making small talk. The alcohol made him open up about a female soldier hitting on him. He started talking a lot about what took place while deployed. So many guys cheated and he drive buddies to hotels to cheat. After talking a bit, I tried to go to bed but couldn't so I went back out and began to try to seduce him. Idk y just felt lonely I guess. This story is tmi sorry in advance. He ending up taking the bait but seemed reluctant about doing the deed. I keep pursuing him till he cracked. Pulled out all the "tricks"and afterward I just knew the truth. I knew it right afterwards. He gave me a look and I just knew. He asked is something on your mind? I just laid on his face and asked please please be honest... Did u cheat? He admitted it to an affair with a civilian contactor whom he sleep with 3 times. He started bawling his eyes out. I've never seen him cry like that. I felt oddly calm about it all. Apparently sex is magic truth serum. I honestly am not mad that I slept with him. Its had been so long. But I am obviously sad, confused, angry, disappointed, embarrassed, and overall feeling down. He tried to tell me details but I honestly didn't want to know any. I don't know if we will r or d. The dumb part of me wants to still be with him. The smart side wants to also. The saddest part is I told him so many times if he cheats I would divorce him. I feel like a coward. Ups and downs I guess. Sorry if this story was tmi.


It wasn't TMI, so do not worry. 

OK. Your abandoning the 180 worked well as you got the details you needed.

Get checked for STDs.

Then lawyer up to find out what your options are.

We are here for you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ruey said:


> He said that he still wants to contact the OW and that he doesn't know if he will. Wtf?!? He said he is infatuated with her. He has only known her for a month in a half.... My gosh I need help. Please pray for me.


Prayers asked.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Send him away.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Ruey said:
> 
> 
> > He said that he still wants to contact the OW and that he doesn't know if he will. Wtf?!? He said he is infatuated with her. He has only known her for a month in a half.... My gosh I need help. Please pray for me.
> ...


Thank u for the prayers. I know I hate that. I hate him too.I'm in the angry stage. Im angry but I also don't want to give up on him bc I love him. The good times are beyond amazing but this is beyond miserable. I just love him and he says he loves me too. He knows he is broken. He has been opening up all day. I don't want to live without him. I'm pathetic. I know it. I'm going to go to IC next week.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Ruey said:
> 
> 
> > Wow awesome 180 advice. I basically broke every rule in one day. I'll give it some time on filling. You are so right my feelings are going crazy. I'm up and down for sure. There is a huge release in knowing the truth. I am going to implement those rules right away.
> ...



I don't want any of his money or stuff. He doesn't want any of it either we would have agreed D. I'm not convinced that I want to leave him. Stupid yes I know. I will get checked for stds.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Ruey said:


> Thank u for the prayers. I know I hate that. I hate him too.I'm in the angry stage. Im angry but I also don't want to give up on him bc I love him. The good times are beyond amazing but this is beyond miserable. I just love him and he says he loves me too. He knows he is broken. He has been opening up all day. I don't want to live without him. I'm pathetic. I know it. I'm going to go to IC next week.


You're not pathetic. It is called "the emotional rollercoaster." Ha! Ha! There is a name for everything you are going to feel because of his infidelity.

IC will be good for you in order to process all those feelings, because you're going to go up then doooown, then up then doooown. Over time the downs won't be so deep.

But pay attention to everyone when we say that as long as he is thinking of her. You shouldn't let him have you as long as she is still in his mind.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Ruey said:


> Breeze at this point in furious. I effing hate him. I am devestated. I am beyond angry. But I love him. Every word you said is right. I am going to read your post to him. I hate myself for wanting to be with him. He is the most stupid H in the world. We had so many plans for the future and it's all over. He wants to move out. He said he is torn. He wants to be married but he feels he cannot be faithful. So g e wants to end it. He opened up more and he was continuing to email her last date 21st of Dec. He had sex with her 1 week b4 coming home. She didn't know he was married. He told her on the 21st. He deleted the emails so I couldn't find them. He also had an emotional affair with her and took her out around town. I am burning with anger. We have been screaming and crying all day. He just went out to get whiskey??????!!! He is such a effing dirt bag. I want to disappear. I am so broken.


That paints a completely different picture. 

180, file, and protect yourself.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

For some reason, I thought he'd done this MONTHS ago and that he'd had no real contact with her other than sex. This is more. Send him away. You need time to think and he needs time to feel a consequence.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Ruey said:
> 
> 
> > Thank u for the prayers. I know I hate that. I hate him too.I'm in the angry stage. Im angry but I also don't want to give up on him bc I love him. The good times are beyond amazing but this is beyond miserable. I just love him and he says he loves me too. He knows he is broken. He has been opening up all day. I don't want to live without him. I'm pathetic. I know it. I'm going to go to IC next week.
> ...


So true. But hard to live those words. Stupid heart dragging me along on this rollercoaster of misery. I know she is on his mind it is so sad. So sad to throw away a marriage for a few moments of sex.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Ruey said:


> So true. But hard to live those words. Stupid heart dragging me along on this rollercoaster of misery. I know she is on his mind it is so sad. So sad to throw away a marriage for a few moments of sex.


It's more than that for him. Think back to when you first meet someone; all the excitement and wonder. Don't fool yourself into thinking that it's just sex. This isn't a hooker he slept with, it's a woman he's still obsessed with. If it was 'just sex', it wouldn't have impacted him so much. He probably thinks he's in love.

I don't write that to hurt you, but if you think it's less than what it is, you won't realise how hard he's going to fight to keep her. It will come as a shock.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ruey, so sorry for you, just read all your thread. Your WH is in his A fog big time, you must follow the advice re teh 180 here and ask him to move out, go nc on him. Atm he doesn't give a s*** about you and your emotions, he will cry and whimper because he is sorry he got caught and got himself into this situation, but he still wants her.

Is is possible you could contact her, ask him for her number, or make him call her in front of you and tell her he is married, that should put a nice spanner in his plans. Not all woman want to be involved with a married m. Tell her thank you for destroying your marriage, maybe she will not be so hot on him after all. He will have to deal with that fall out. In the meantime you follow all the advice here.

it is possible for marriages to come back from this, but both parties must be fully committed to the process. You are angry, sad, etc and will go through that but you should set the circumstances up in your favour to ensure the path is open for either R or D. Atm, if she is still in the picture, then D is the only option.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Ruey, see your attorney and proceed with the divorce proceedings. Your husband is not willing to give up the OW. You are Plan B. You deserve a better husband. He berated you and placed your self-esteem in the lowest level.

Wake up! This man does not love you. He tells you that he will not be loyal to you in the future. He's already told you that you don't matter to him as he plans to continue to cheat.

You are only 30 years old. You are not old and can start a new beginning. I look my best in my 30s. I am married ongoing 36 years (first time for the both of us). Neither of us has cheated as we know that divorce will be a reality. We are of the same bandwidth.

You say that you don't blame women for wanting to sleep with your husband because he is good-looking. Do not make excuses for your cheating husband. Walk away now as you don't have any children which makes your break much easier.

See a psychologist to get your mindset in the right direction. You must build yourself up. Your best days are yet to come. Really sorry that you are here, especially during the Holidays.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

aine said:


> Ruey, so sorry for you, just read all your thread. Your WH is in his A fog big time, you must follow the advice re teh 180 here and ask him to move out, go nc on him. Atm he doesn't give a s*** about you and your emotions, he will cry and whimper because he is sorry he got caught and got himself into this situation, but he still wants her.
> 
> Is is possible you could contact her, ask him for her number, or make him call her in front of you and tell her he is married, that should put a nice spanner in his plans. Not all woman want to be involved with a married m. Tell her thank you for destroying your marriage, maybe she will not be so hot on him after all. He will have to deal with that fall out. In the meantime you follow all the advice here.
> 
> it is possible for marriages to come back from this, but both parties must be fully committed to the process. You are angry, sad, etc and will go through that but you should set the circumstances up in your favour to ensure the path is open for either R or D. Atm, if she is still in the picture, then D is the only option.


H said every time he sees an attractive woman he wants to cheat. He said he has been fighting the temptation to cheat all 5 years of our marriage. He said the sex isn't the most important part. But he obviously wants to do that too. He said women aggressively come on to him all the time. He said the tell him the explicit things they want to do with him. He said he doesn't know why he is pulled in by them. He said he feels a pull to emotional connect with every attractive woman. He told me he had a miscarriage with a woman he dated when we were broken up 6 years ago. I didn't know that until yesterday. He falls in love easily. I wish we could stay married but he keeps telling me to run from him. She did not know he was married He told me that. He didn't tell her about me until he was back stateside just on the 21st. Apart of him wants me report him to the military and get him in trouble at work. He keeps saying he wants to be alone. He said he is attracted to me and loves me but he can't stop cheating. Or that he doesn't know if he can stop. He said he has been tempted to cheat again since having the affair. He said he hates himself. I hate him too. He has destroyed me. I don't want to contact her. I honestly want him to just go be with her. Oh well.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

Roselyn said:


> Ruey, see your attorney and proceed with the divorce proceedings. Your husband is not willing to give up the OW. You are Plan B. You deserve a better husband. He berated you and placed your self-esteem in the lowest level.
> 
> Wake up! This man does not love you. He tells you that he will not be loyal to you in the future. He's already told you that you don't matter to him as he plans to continue to cheat.
> 
> ...


I look shot for 30. I have dark rings like a raccoon. The only upside is I'm my high school weight still. I can't follow 180. I can't stop crying. I look pathetic and desperate and I cannot stop. I physically can't stop crying. I can't eat and I can't sleep. I can't kick him out or D. I am in school and am on a military spouse scholarship. If I file my money for school will be pulled. I have a part time job so I can't even affor to live without his income. I followed him around the country so I never finished my degree at 30 years old!!!! I have no means of living in my own. He said he will move out and I can stay but I don't want to use his resources. School is 5 months long and my apt lease is up in March. I will have no where to go. I have 1 friend who lives in town and she is not a stable individual. I'm so screwed. I'm so worried and scared for my future. I made such poor choices and now I am ruined. I don't blame OW bc I was charmwd/charm by him too. I obviously blame him bc he knew he would destroy me and he did it any way. He was dead wrong to cheat I know that. There aren't any excuses to cheat. I have to wait a while week to see a psychologist that's the closest appointment I could get. I actually don't want him to leave. I don't. Its sad I know. I hate myself honestly I am such a stupid woman. I am not strong.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Ruey said:


> H said every time he sees an attractive woman he wants to cheat. He said he has been fighting the temptation to cheat all 5 years of our marriage. He said the sex isn't the most important part. But he obviously wants to do that too. He said women aggressively come on to him all the time. He said the tell him the explicit things they want to do with him. He said he doesn't know why he is pulled in by them. He said he feels a pull to emotional connect with every attractive woman. He told me he had a miscarriage with a woman he dated when we were broken up 6 years ago. I didn't know that until yesterday. He falls in love easily. I wish we could stay married but he keeps telling me to run from him. She did not know he was married He told me that. He didn't tell her about me until he was back stateside just on the 21st. Apart of him wants me report him to the military and get him in trouble at work. He keeps saying he wants to be alone. He said he is attracted to me and loves me but he can't stop cheating. Or that he doesn't know if he can stop. He said he has been tempted to cheat again since having the affair. He said he hates himself. I hate him too. He has destroyed me. I don't want to contact her. I honestly want him to just go be with her. Oh well.


Let him go.

180, file, protect yourself emotionally.

I am sorry, Ruey.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

If anyone reads this full thread I am going to look like such a nut. lol I am ready to tell him to leave. I am going to give him until the 15th of January to move out. I am going to get a full time job. I am not going to file for divorce until the semester is over. I am not going to report him to the military. They are going to interview me for his top secret security clearance. What should I say? They are going to ask about his character. Atm I am not extremely angry or extremely sad. I feel like I can actually do it on my own. It is very scary since I've been with my H since I was 19 years old. I wrote out all of the bills. I want him to pay the bills for this apartment until the lease is up. Then I will have to find another place. I am thinking of getting a temporary roommate. I am going to ask him for $2000 as a cushion. I am going to open a new bank account today. I don't want him to spend all of the money on alcohol. He asked if I would go on a walk once he gets back from working out. I told him I would let him know when he gets home. I had sex with him last night. I feel dumb but at the same time I know this is a process and I am going to slip up. I thought about taking my life last night. I have often quit things when it was hard. I feel like a failure but I also feel like life will get better. I can go out and accomplish my dreams instead of waiting on him. I've always been the 2nd class in our marriage. Not that he made me feel that way (other than his cheating) but others that meet him or know him. His family has made me feel that way especially his mother. I have been told I was lucky to have a man like him. He is handsome, tall, and muscular. I am average and thin. This is so scary. I felt such a sense of relief when he left to work out. I am scared I might go back on my plan. Thank you for your encouragements and words of wisdom. I am a broken woman but hopefully I can follow through on this. Pray for me. My faith is shaken. I tried to do everything right by him and it still didn't work. I feel a sense of freedom and at the same time I am overcome by fear.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Ruey, take a deep breath. You are caught up in the emotional effects of all of this and you are drowning in it. Take a deep breath and remember that YOU are the NUMBER 1 PRIORITY. I know it is hard to sleep, to eat, to breathe. Try and force yourself if you can. Do something to distract yourself so that you don't obsess over this 24/7...I know, easier said that done, but try. What is that old saying..."If you love something set it free. If it comes back it’s yours. If not, it was never meant to be.” HE IS MAKING THIS CHOICE, not you. I feel for you...big hugs.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You say you don't want to use his resources, but HE put you in this position. So use every resource his job makes available to you, until you finish school and can pay your own way. Send him away and focus on yourself. Call up anyone you can who will support you and tell them what happened.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

He fought the temptation all five years of marriage? What about in the whole ten year relationship? Is the start of marriage just when he cared about not cheating on you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

Our first five years were filled with cheating, break ups, make ups and a bunch of other crap. He told me when I first met him not to fall in love with him and he was right. I should have ran. He told me to run from him when we were 2 years in. I didn't at that point either. But I believe I will this time. I asked him to move out by the 15th. I opened a new bank account and transferred money into it. He has agreed to pay the bills until I get out of college. I agreed to not report him or file for divorce which will cause issues with his job. 

He has always gotten his way in life. He has rarely heard the word no. Every where we go people praise him and girls go gaga over him. He has dealt with it his whole adult life. His parents have always put him on a pedestal. I tried to tell him no when he cheated on me during the 4th year we were dating. We were in separate states and I found out on facebook. I cut off all communication with him. I didn't speak to him for months close to a year. He pursued me through all of it. He flew to my school to convince me to be with him. I told him no in that moment but he continued to reach out till finally I just got back together with him b/c I couldn't get over him during that whole time. He was always on my mind and I really tried to get over him. I honestly tried. I read books, got a hobby, learned new things, made new friends... I tried go on with my life. I don't know how it will work this time. I don't know if I will get over him ever. I hate him so much for what he has done to me over the years and now. I will say that other than the cheating he was a good husband the five years we were married. I didn't have any real serious issues with him. It just sucks b/c I felt over all the past betrayals but the affair has brought back a decade of anger, hurt, and pain.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Your H is not a good guy.

So hang in there Ruey. You're not alone.

You will continue to cycle through the painful thoughts and feelings for a while, but in the end you will come out stronger.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You've said repeatedly through this thread that other than for 'this' or 'that' he's been a good husband. To me that's like saying other than the fact that a shark will bite you and most likely kill you, it's a pretty good shark so you might keep it in your swimming pool and go swimming there often.

You have no idea what a good husband is because you've never been married to one. A good husband is someone you can trust, someone who loves you even when you don't wear high heels and makeup, someone who would prefer more often to spend time with you than to go drinking at the pub... there's a whole lot more I could say on that, but that's my experiences of a good husband. We all have our ups and downs, but there should be some very basic foundations for a good marriage that yours is missing.

When you finally allow yourself to stop seeing him like some sort of greek god and start seeing him for who he really is, you'll stop chasing after him like a lovesick puppy. He's a turd.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

Breeze you are 100% right. I asked if he was still going to write the OW and he said he doesn't know... Either way I have to deal with him at a minum of 5 months. I am in school and could not afford my apartment without his finances. I asked him to leave by the 15th. I opened my own bank account today. I'm am making some moves but yes I do love him. It doesn't go away after just a few days. I want my marriage to work. But not at all cost. I never wanted to get a divorce I really wanted to be married till death. So this is very painful.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Keep focusing on school and on getting where you need to be to support yourself. Do you have any family/friends to support you? Your story gets worse, because he has cheated on you before. Don't accept this any more.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

This is the end of your very rocky 10 year relationship. Make the best of it by accepting the fact that he is ok with helping you out. You need his financial support right now. Please take it. 

Keep trying the 180. You may love him, but the rose colored glasses need to come off. He wasn't that great of a husband. He was honest with you ( he said several times he was not good enough)and you were stubborn. Time to let go of your heart making the decisions for you. Use your head. It's business now. The business of a better future for you!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband is broken. But there are too many dangerous sharp edges for you to cut yourself on.

He needs fixing. But that's just not your job.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

I'm too embarrassed to call my family. I told my two closest friends. Both know the relationship extremely well. One friend thinks we should work on the marriage and the other one wants me to run. 

10 years is a long time to throw away. I don't want to be with him right now but I won't rule out a R if he is willing to put in the work. That remains to be seen and how our seperation goes. It depends on how I feel about it all after getting a breather from him.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

MattMatt 
I agree. That's why I'm making him move out. We will be separated for a while.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

MattMatt
Or indefinitely


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

We will be here for you no matter what your decision. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ruey said:


> if he is willing to put in the work.


Ruey, if what he says is true, then he has mental issues that need the guidance of a professional counselor. For YEARS. His daily/weekly compulsion to cheat or just to have sex could be coming from several different issues, all of which you and he can't fix on your own. If he's not willing to go to weekly (at first) therapy to get to the bottom of it, don't waste your time.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Ruey, I am so very sorry you are going through this. I was a military wife as well, and my marriage fell apart too. I had 4 children. It took a while, but I am doing great now! Much better than I was when married. I am happier now. I was just about your age when mine fell apart too. You CAN get through this, but you need to quit telling yourself you are crazy, silly, etc. It's not true. You are worth more than this man.

One word of advice that may not be popular here, but try and stay legally married to him as long as possible. The benefits that you get from being a military spouse are HUGE, and I still miss them. I have a friend who has been separated from hers for almost 10 years now. If you can make it to 10 years of marriage, you are entitled to some of his retirement. I know you don't care about money or support right now, but HE is the one who has done this to you, after promising to do MUCH better. After promising you a future. Definitely support yourself, but use the resources available to you as well. (And I also don't necessarily follow the popular TAM belief that divorce is the only way you should move forward. YES, eventually you will want it and need it. But take your time.)

Also, good move on not reporting him to his commander. The say they care but they really don't. Unless the infidelity is directly affecting the "mission," they don't do a thing about it. Think about it, they would never get any rest if they followed up on every infidelity. My ex was living with his new girly poo while we were still legally married and his commander knew it. They really don't care (but don't let your H know that! Use it to your advantage!)

My opinions on this may not be very popular on this site, but I think military marriages are a little different. Its hard to understand unless you've been there. Putting your life on hold to follow your military spouse around, away from family, friends, stable schools, etc.............then be tossed out like garbage......makes it that much harder to move forward.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

GA HEART said:


> Ruey, I am so very sorry you are going through this. I was a military wife as well, and my marriage fell apart too. I had 4 children. It took a while, but I am doing great now! Much better than I was when married. I am happier now. I was just about your age when mine fell apart too. You CAN get through this, but you need to quit telling yourself you are crazy, silly, etc. It's not true. You are worth more than this man.
> 
> One word of advice that may not be popular here, but try and stay legally married to him as long as possible. The benefits that you get from being a military spouse are HUGE, and I still miss them. I have a friend who has been separated from hers for almost 10 years now. If you can make it to 10 years of marriage, you are entitled to some of his retirement. I know you don't care about money or support right now, but HE is the one who has done this to you, after promising to do MUCH better. After promising you a future. Definitely support yourself, but use the resources available to you as well. (And I also don't necessarily follow the popular TAM belief that divorce is the only way you should move forward. YES, eventually you will want it and need it. But take your time.)
> 
> ...


I love you for this post. lol You really do get it. I really needed to hear this from someone who truly understands. Atm I am lucky to that he is being very cooperative. I was able to open my own account with a few thousand dollars as a cushion. He is willing to pay all of the bills. He was actually told by his Captain not to tell me about the affair b/c he said they will take everything away from him. He is being considered for top secret clearance and the Captain told him they won't give him it. He said one of the main reasons he waited to tell me was b/c he was afraid of what I would do to his career and what I would do physically (lol he really thought I would beat him??!?!? I'm never beat him before/ I think part of him wanted that...) I know it isn't popular either but this affair has let us put all of the cards on the table. He feels obligated to pay and support me. My pride makes me hate that b/c I would love nothing better than to make him suffer with guilt knowing that I was sleeping out of a car somewhere. At first we were going to go file for D the next day after discovery but then I realized I needed to wait. His captain told him they will 100% strip his rank for it and deduct from his pay check. I just hope we can stay amicable through all of this. We are doing well so far so I pray it stays this way. I am also happy that we don't have children which would have made this so much harder. I can't believe you did it with 4. You honestly have my respect for that. 

I am going to take my time and try to put the pieces together as much as possible. I will try to stop saying negative things about myself. He said that he is surprised how I am responding to all of this. I think he thought I would be paralyzed and it terrifies him that I am actually making moves to move forward without him. I always took care of all of the finances and today he wrote out a plan on how we will work on getting through the next few months. I honestly think he is truly scared. It makes me feel stronger in a weird way and makes me feel like I can really move on without him. 

MattMatt
Thank you so much! That means so much. I feel so much shame since I am not completely ruling out a R if significant deep personal work is done after an extended amount of time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you really love each other, you can get past this - with professional help. But I can't get a good read on him. Only you know what's what, so we can only give you possible outcomes.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I am surprised his Captain said those things. Unless......did you hear them directly from the Captain, or is that what your H told you the guy said? If you heard it directly, then that tells me what type of soldier he is. My exH was a crappy husband and father, but he was a danged good soldier. His superiors never cared about the infidelity (blatant....he was living with the chick!) If your H's Captain is saying these things (for sure, as in you heard them yourself) then they probably don't think very highly of him. If your H just TOLD you that's what was said, he is likely making it up and being paranoid. The most the Captain might tell him is to keep it under wraps so YOU don't cause a big stink. He is likely playing on your commitment to him to keep you quiet. Like I said, affairs run RAMPANT in the military lifestyle, both ways. The only time I have heard of them being a serious issue (including messing with a security clearance) was when it was an affair between officer/soldier in the same unit, or something along those lines. And of course, only if one spouse or the other makes a big deal of it.

Regardless, it sounds like he really just doesn't love you......hearing the history. I'm sure it hurts to consider the possibility, but someone who truly loves you wouldn't have that kind of history in the first place. He can say he loves you and doesn't want to lose you until he is blue in the face, but it's ACTIONS that speak.

Regarding the financial set up. Put something in writing. Go talk to JAG. Get in touch with family advocacy. You have rights. You don't live on base, correct? As long as you are still legally married, you can live on base, even if he doesn't. (Unless times have changed in the nearly 6 years I've been away from it.....I know it's mostly privatized now, which might make a difference.) My ex had this "guilt care" thing going too. He bought me a new vehicle, a gun for protection, agreed to give me a certain amount per month for the kids (which was a lot.) It doesn't last. Once he sees himself as "free" again, which probably wont take long, it will begin to be a burden on him and he will resent it. So you need to have something legal in place. That's where JAG or family advocacy comes into play. Every base has both, and if you aren't near a base, contact whichever one he has orders to and go from there.

My ex came to see the kids one time about 6 months into our separation and tried to hug on me. It was very awkward and felt wrong. I could have very easily taken him back right then and there. But he was just lonely and afraid of being alone. (He hooked up with his new girly poo later that same month.) So beware of something like that. 

If I can make it through, ANYone can. You got this!


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Oh, and when the time comes for divorce, DEFINITELY find a lawyer who is very familiar with the military!! I had a good lawyer, but he wasn't well versed in military legalities and I found out later that I missed out on some benefits I qualified for.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ruey,

You should not feel any shame or negativity for still having some thoughts of wanting to reconcile. You are on the betrayed spouse roller coaster. Most of us here have taken that ride. There is no amusement park in the world that has a ride that wild. This is why making any definite decisions right now is not wise. You need to get off that rollercoaster before you make any decisions.

That said, your current plan is a good one but cause it does not force any one action. You can change your mind if later if you chose. Right now, focusing on yourself has to be your priority. You need that to heal. And he has to know how serious his actions are.

Normally I think that trying to reconcile is the best path. In your case I don't. Why? He's a serial cheater.

There are different types of cheating. One is the kind of cheating in which a marriage has a huge crack and one, or both, of the spouse have an affair because of what's missing in the marriage. I read of this described as an affair that is a pressure relief valve for a marriage. This can be fixed and the marriage can recover.

Then here are the serial cheaters. These are people who are truly broken and use sex and affairs for sport and for validation. They seldom stop cheating. They are often addicted to the high of 'falling in love'. That high dies down at about 18 months in a relationship. So they move on to the next person to get a new high. If not addicted to 'falling in love', they at least like the sport of sex and want it with many partners. These cheaters are usually happy in their marriage. They just like to cheat. This usually cannot be fixed. Why? Because you'd have to rewire his brain to take away whatever it is that drives him to want to be with a lot of women.

The thing is that he likes having you too. It's a great life to have a loving wife at home and all kinds of women on the side. What a deal for him. Not such a good deal for you.

I would be surprised if this was the only affair your husband has had since you married him. It's just the only one that he is willing to tell you about... most likely because he has fallen for this woman. And others in his unit know so it's pretty likely you would find out.

I think that his Captain is telling him about how much this will hurt his career because his commander is a decent guy who wants to see your husband do right by you. He just might be pretty disgusted with your husband. So he's putting the pressure on. I've been round the military all my life. I've seen a lot of people have affairs. A lot of these are people with top secret clearances. I've never seen anyone punished for it... unless the commander, or someone up his chain of command, was looking for a reason to give the soldier some grief. But don't tell your husband that. He needs to squirm right now.

Or your husband just might be in a command that actually cares. Miracles do happen sometimes.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

GA HEART said:


> I am surprised his Captain said those things. Unless......did you hear them directly from the Captain, or is that what your H told you the guy said? If you heard it directly, then that tells me what type of soldier he is. My exH was a crappy husband and father, but he was a danged good soldier. His superiors never cared about the infidelity (blatant....he was living with the chick!) If your H's Captain is saying these things (for sure, as in you heard them yourself) then they probably don't think very highly of him. If your H just TOLD you that's what was said, he is likely making it up and being paranoid. The most the Captain might tell him is to keep it under wraps so YOU don't cause a big stink. He is likely playing on your commitment to him to keep you quiet. Like I said, affairs run RAMPANT in the military lifestyle, both ways. The only time I have heard of them being a serious issue (including messing with a security clearance) was when it was an affair between officer/soldier in the same unit, or something along those lines. And of course, only if one spouse or the other makes a big deal of it.
> 
> Regardless, it sounds like he really just doesn't love you......hearing the history. I'm sure it hurts to consider the possibility, but someone who truly loves you wouldn't have that kind of history in the first place. He can say he loves you and doesn't want to lose you until he is blue in the face, but it's ACTIONS that speak.
> 
> ...


I am going to try to go in on Monday and find out what all can happen. My H really thinks he could get in big trouble for all of this. His Captain was cheating on his wife and his commander was cheating on his wife as well. He told me that his commander is the kind of guy that will ruin someone's career over it even though he does the same thing. He said any time a wife makes a big fuss they do take some action. His Captain told him that he has cheated on his wife multiple times and has never told her. He said it is better to keep it quite and treat your wife well when you return home. My H told me all of this, I did not talk to his Captain. I don't live near the base at all. We live an hour away. I never really got involved in military life, we have lived far away from all of the bases. I've never been involved with the wife volunteer programs. I don't even really know most of the lingo or proper names of the different positions. 

He has agreed to put it in writing so I am going to make sure we can do that on Monday. Honestly I have nothing to lose at this point I have loss what was most important to me so if he changes his mind and screws me oh well. He has not yet received top secret clearance so he thinks they are going to interview me. Do you know anything about that? What should I say if they do want to interview me? Will that really be binding if he agrees to pay all of the bills? What do you think I should ask to be specifically put in writing? Will talking to JAG cause any issues with his career. I won't do anything that will jeopardize that. Sorry for all of the questions.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

If his Captain is not the CO and is a staff officer over a section (example: her hubby works in operations, motor pool or something similar) then he may be taking him under his wing. It is not unheard of. If Ruey's husband is also a good performer, he will be looked out for that way, like it or not.



GA HEART said:


> I am surprised his Captain said those things. Unless......did you hear them directly from the Captain, or is that what your H told you the guy said? If you heard it directly, then that tells me what type of soldier he is. My exH was a crappy husband and father, but he was a danged good soldier. His superiors never cared about the infidelity (blatant....he was living with the chick!) If your H's Captain is saying these things (for sure, as in you heard them yourself) then they probably don't think very highly of him. If your H just TOLD you that's what was said, he is likely making it up and being paranoid. The most the Captain might tell him is to keep it under wraps so YOU don't cause a big stink. He is likely playing on your commitment to him to keep you quiet. Like I said, affairs run RAMPANT in the military lifestyle, both ways. The only time I have heard of them being a serious issue (including messing with a security clearance) was when it was an affair between officer/soldier in the same unit, or something along those lines. And of course, only if one spouse or the other makes a big deal of it.
> 
> Regardless, it sounds like he really just doesn't love you......hearing the history. I'm sure it hurts to consider the possibility, but someone who truly loves you wouldn't have that kind of history in the first place. He can say he loves you and doesn't want to lose you until he is blue in the face, but it's ACTIONS that speak.
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Talking to jag can hurt his career. Find a civilian lawyer who specializes in military divorces. Jag does not handle divorces.

When I was in the military, one of the things that I did was to review and write up the final decisions on giving people their secret and top secret clearances. The out come all depends on who is doing the review. 

If you want to protect his career, just answer affirmatively to all the questions and say as little as possible. If you are not living together at the time and they know, just tell them that after his deployment you two are having problems with incompatibility.

Quote from the below link:

"Can a JAG help you with your divorce? Sort of. The legal assistance office won’t actually help you file for divorce. However, they will be able to give you military specific divorce advice on issues such as benefits and pensions, Reid said. They also may be able to refer you to a reduced fee divorce attorney in the correct jurisdiction in which you need to file (which may not be where you are living). "

Can a JAG Help Me Divorce My Service Member? | Military.com


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Ruey, there are tons of officers like that. What is comes down to is there is a sort of unwritten rule that says as long as the affairs never come to the attention of commanders, people will look the other way. 

If you choose to do this, you will likely lose financial support as soon as the ink is dry on your divorce decree. I am not saying you should not bring it to the attention of his commander, but I am saying that you risk the financial security you just said you needed from him. 

Do so at your own risk.



Ruey said:


> I am going to try to go in on Monday and find out what all can happen. My H really thinks he could get in big trouble for all of this. His Captain was cheating on his wife and his commander was cheating on his wife as well. He told me that his commander is the kind of guy that will ruin someone's career over it even though he does the same thing. He said any time a wife makes a big fuss they do take some action. His Captain told him that he has cheated on his wife multiple times and has never told her. He said it is better to keep it quite and treat your wife well when you return home. My H told me all of this, I did not talk to his Captain. I don't live near the base at all. We live an hour away. I never really got involved in military life, we have lived far away from all of the bases. I've never been involved with the wife volunteer programs. I don't even really know most of the lingo or proper names of the different positions.
> 
> He has agreed to put it in writing so I am going to make sure we can do that on Monday. Honestly I have nothing to lose at this point I have loss what was most important to me so if he changes his mind and screws me oh well. He has not yet received top secret clearance so he thinks they are going to interview me. Do you know anything about that? What should I say if they do want to interview me? Will that really be binding if he agrees to pay all of the bills? What do you think I should ask to be specifically put in writing? Will talking to JAG cause any issues with his career. I won't do anything that will jeopardize that. Sorry for all of the questions.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

farsidejunky said:


> Ruey, there are tons of officers like that. What is comes down to is there is a sort of unwritten rule that says as long as the affairs never come to the attention of commanders, people will look the other way.
> 
> If you choose to do this, you will likely loose financial support as soon as the ink is dry on your divorce decree. I am not saying you should not bring it to the attention of his commander, but I am saying that you risk the financial security you just said you needed from him.
> 
> Do so at your own risk.


I agree with this. I would not go to the commander. And I would be very careful what is said to JAG or to the family support.

For example you can just say that you two are having compatibility issues. Nothing more.

If his commander decides to go after him, he could be demoted or even kicked out of the service.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I agree with this. I would not go to the commander. And I would be very careful what is said to JAG or to the family support.
> 
> For example you can just say that you two are having compatibility issues. Nothing more.
> 
> If his commander decides to go after him, he could be demoted or even kicked out of the service.


Elegirl, no "can" about it anymore. A company grade article 15 is now enough to prevent promotion past a certain point, because they almost always have a letter of reprimand from someone. If that letter of reprimand comes from a full bird Colonel or higher, his career is effectively over because that stays in your permanent file, meaning he cannot be promoted past E-6. Then when he is looked at for E-7, that letter will show up, and they will separate him under the QSP program.

Additionally, from the sounds of things, her husband needs that security clearance either to maintain MOS or position qualifications. An affair will jeopardize that clearance being approved.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you filed for divorce, you can ask for interim spousal support. That goes until your divorce is final. It can take months for a divorce to be final. So maybe filing for divorce now is a good idea because it would make so that he could not back out of that agreement.

Depending on where you live, you could also get alimony for up to half the length of your marriage since it's under 10 years. That's half, or 2.5 years, after the divorce is final.

You might want to consider that. 

IF your husband is no married, would he have to move back on base?


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

If one thing I would advise is that you be completely truthful during a top security clearance. If they ask answer about your marital situation. Lying is not taken lightly on you.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

Elegirl

He is a serial cheater. He wants validation from women. He craves it all the time. He said it is such a struggle. I don't know the truth if he had an affair more than once but after ten years I usually know when something is wrong. My mind doesn't process it fast enough to in my opinion but I always look back and know the exact moment it felt wrong. I felt connected even over the phone with him and then I felt a disconnect with him. Like with this affair, I can now look back and I know when it started. He isn't good at hiding it. It eats at him. He drowns himself in alcohol and I am starting to think he may actually have a problem with alcohol. Which is sad b/c when I met him he never had a single drink. It wasn't until he turned 24 that he first started drinking. But he realized he had to drink strong large amounts to get a buzz. He is a very emotional man. He needs a lot of emotional validation. Even when we first got together he "fell in love" so fast. I remember telling him that we couldn't make love b/c we were not in love. He is very affectionate and throughout our relationship he always wanted hugs, cuddles, and kisses often. I have always been the opposite. I am not big on affection but I enjoy a good roll in the sack. He needs to warm up to it and I'm always ready to go. We would get in fights and be mad and I could still sleep with him no problem. He could not do that. I can be mad, sad, happy, and any other emotion and still be able to have sex and enjoy myself. My H is very emotional connected to sex. He hasn't had a one night stand. He falls in love. It annoys me so much. I don't know why. I don't know what that means. Its weird to me. He hates to be used for his body and just for sex. It doesn't appeal to him as much as falling in love. Obviously this love doesn't last it wayyy shorter than 18 months lol. He is "in love" with the OW for now and he has only known her for a month and a half. This whole situation is such a mess. I honestly wish I wasn't dealing with this. It is so unfair.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You are working through this intellectually, connecting all the dots, coming to some realisations about who it is you married. This is a good. I get the feeling that you've been content to wear your rose coloured glasses because it was less of an upheaval to your life than to admit certain truths to yourself. If you actually acknowledge the elephant in the room, you have to start thinking about what to do with it, and this is the reason I think that so many people choose not to acknowledge the elephant.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> If you filed for divorce, you can ask for interim spousal support. That goes until your divorce is final. It can take months for a divorce to be final. So maybe filing for divorce now is a good idea because it would make so that he could not back out of that agreement.
> 
> Depending on where you live, you could also get alimony for up to half the length of your marriage since it's under 10 years. That's half, or 2.5 years, after the divorce is final.
> 
> ...


Yes he would have to move back on base. He is very close to getting his promotion so that he will be able to live off base. I will not call his commander I just was telling you guys what all was said. Honestly it didn't cross my mind until he mentioned it and I still don't want to. There is no point. I actually trust him to do what he says he will do. From experience breaking up with him in the past he gave me the engagement ring and told me I could do what I wanted with it. He did not change his mind or go back on his word on anything he told me. He has never tried to screw me in that way. He has only screwed me by screwing other people and when he got back this time treated me like crap. That was why I was so worried about him b/c it was so out of character. I know you guys keep telling me he was not a good husband but he actually was that is what is so hard about it all. He really was except for his stupid addiction to having sex with OW. It is so annoying.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

If every time he decides he needs to "fall in love" with another woman he's going to start treating you like crap, I think it will get to the point where he's just constantly treating you like crap, you will respond in turn and he will have the reason he needs to make you the bad guy and end the marriage to go running off to his new love.

Here is a man who has told his wife that he wants to keep his girlfriend. How that even came out of his mouth is beyond comprehension however it is a sure sign that the crappy treatment is far from over.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

breeze said:


> You are working through this intellectually, connecting all the dots, coming to some realisations about who it is you married. This is a good. I get the feeling that you've been content to wear your rose coloured glasses because it was less of an upheaval to your life than to admit certain truths to yourself. If you actually acknowledge the elephant in the room, you have to start thinking about what to do with it, and this is the reason I think that so many people choose not to acknowledge the elephant.


Breeze I have lots of emotions about it. As of right now I have told him that he needs to move out. I decided to stop having sex with him. I have taken out money. I have my own bank account. Big upheavals are going to happen. The only thing I have been trying to say is if somehow by some miracle or idk something he is able to overcome his constant need to be validated by women then I would be open to getting back together. Not today, not tomorrow, not for a long time. I don't know how long it would take but I am not going to let him back in my life without an incredible amount of evidence to support a true change. I know atm my marriage is basically dead in the water and it will take a miracle to get it back. I am hoping for the miracle. I am also being honest and not trying to vilify him by declaring him a terrible husband when I have the evidence to show he wasn't all bad and he wasn't all good. I feel atm I am seeing a balanced view. Sometimes I lean to the all good and sometimes I lean to the all bad. But right now I know that there was bad and good. Last year my sister had a mental break down and we found out that she was schizophrenic. He carried me through that. I was devastated. He was patient and held me through it so I'm not going to discount everything b/c of his demons.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

breeze said:


> If every time he decides he needs to "fall in love" with another woman he's going to start treating you like crap, I think it will get to the point where he's just constantly treating you like crap, you will respond in turn and he will have the reason he needs to make you the bad guy and end the marriage to go running off to his new love.
> 
> Here is a man who has told his wife that he wants to keep his girlfriend. How that even came out of his mouth is beyond comprehension however it is a sure sign that the crappy treatment is far from over.


He wants to drown himself in alcohol. He told me that he wanted to be with her b/c he wanted to be completely honest. He said, "Even now I feel pulled to her". He can't freaking be with her she is in a country across the world and it obviously would not work out. He is in the military he can't pick up and move where ever he wants. He said there is a side that wants to be with her, there is a side that wants to fight for our marriage, there is a side that wants to be alone and try to swear off people in general. I know that he is conflicted and I am conflicted too. There is a part of me that wants to punch him in the head, a part that wants to take him back and pretend it didn't happen, a part that wants to move on and live my life. It is way more complicated than you are making it. It isn't black and white. It will be far from over if I accept him in this state. I don't want him in this state. He has to work out his personal problems b/c I can't save him. Btw I appreciate you being concerned enough to offer me advice. I really do. I appreciate all of you guys b/c it is honestly making my suffering a little less miserable.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

giddiot said:


> If one thing I would advise is that you be completely truthful during a top security clearance. If they ask answer about your marital situation. Lying is not taken lightly on you.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


I can understand that and he told me I need to do what I feel comfortable with. I don't want to ruin his career. I am going to say as little as possible since I am dependent on his finances at this time. So I am not going to pee in my drinking water.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I'm not trying to make you hate him, but I do think you see him as a victim. A victim of himself, but that is still a victim. Seeing someone as a victim is a problem; this is how you get drawn into being a rescuer, then eventually a victim yourself. He's broken in some way, poor hubby, just glue him back together and all will be good.

He can't run off to the OW in a different country, but if you eventually reconcile after he's all 'fixed up', there's always another woman closer to home, especially if he's always giving out the "I'm available" vibe; the "try hard enough and you'll get me" vibe.

Then you'll start the cycle all over again. He'll show the appropriate sadness over the demise of your marriage, that he orchestrated, and will even feel it, but he's getting what he wanted so he won't fight too hard. Then just like he did the other times you broke up, he'll chase you until he catches you.

I guess I'm the cynic here. I don't think counselling will help him. Maybe it will if he's genuinely trying to change his pattern of behaviour, of thinking, but he's just repeating himself at this point and I think that if he wanted to change it would've happened after the first time.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You probably also think I'm preaching to the choir, that you are separating, that you won't take him back unless you see some real change... yet I don't see any real change in you either. You're still playing the same part you have in the past. You think you're all set to go it without him but you are very careful to keep that door ajar. I think you are both very good at lying to yourselves, but you don't see it of course. If people could see the lie so clearly, that the path they tread has their footprints still from the last time they walked it, they would choose a different path.

As soon as he's had his fill of whatever he is getting out of this, he'll come chasing you. You will think that in that fervour for you that you see change in him and you'll take him back. Then in a few years time you'll be back on a forum, heartbroken at being cast aside yet again.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

Breeze 
Okay I can see that. I do think I go back and forth. I do see him as a victim at times. But isn't he? He also made choices to get to where he is. So I accept that too. Weird thing is I feel 100 times better than I was in the past. In the past I really thought I was going to lose my mind. I would fantasize about killing him and the OW (crazy I know) but I'm different now. I don't hate the OW and I only hate him occasionally lol. I had moments of weakness but this time it feels so different. My H told me today that he is proud of me and surprised how I am reacting to all of this. He said that he feels proud and sad at the same time. I can see that he is terrified too. He knows that it is really real this time. He said he feels like our entire relationship has been about him and that he feels like he been a weight attached to my leg dragging me down in an ocean. He said he doesn't understand what happened this time but he feels the weight dropped off and I finally emerged above water and took in a big breath. He said that he feels he is still the weight at the bottom looking up proud but still drowning. I feel that way too b/c I dropped everything for him so many times. I gave up my dreams for him. I didn't have to but I did, I don't know why. I am different this time but I care for him deeply so I want him to break free too. I just am not willing to do it with him this time. It is up to him now as far as his need to change goes. I will offer him advice until he leaves on the 15th but then I told him the communication should be strictly business. I told him if he needs to stop by it needs to happen when I am not home. He agreed. I think he can change. I hope he can but its up to him.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

Breeze
I don't think so this time. The last time I knew it wasn't right to take him back but I did anyway. There were quite a bit of signs that I ignored. Even today, he told me he feel awful when we have sex b/c it makes him feel guilty since he still has feelings for the OW. He said he loves it physically but he feels like it also means he can put his ring back on (I told him to take it off). That woke me up. I know you have heard these stories so many times so it feels fake to you but I have faith and hope. I don't think people are beyond help. I think people have to surrender and they can change. That doesn't just apply to my H it applies to everyone. I also think good can come from bad. I think I have grown a lot and I feel a change. I don't feel perfect, I don't think I won't cry again or anything like that. But it is different this time. Today when he cried I didn't comfort him. I saw it for what it was, a need for validation and manipulation. I told him no lets stick to the plan. He just told me earlier that he feels I am trying to slowly rip off the bandaid instead of tearing it off and getting it over with. That was another wake up. I told him to move out as soon as he can. He said okay. My heart will always hope that my only love would return and that everything will work out perfect but I know that is not typical. My closest friend in life told me that I am being really different this time. So I know it isn't me lying to myself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ruey,

It has only been a few days since you found out that he was cheating. I think you are doing great for this point in time.

If he wants the band aid ripped off fast, he can do it himself by moving out. That's how it goes. It's up to him now. This is what he wanted. He has to make it happen, while you move on.

Can he change? It would take some kind of huge shock to his system to do it. Everyone can change, I agree with you. But not everyone experiences whatever catalyst they need to change.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Ruey said:


> Breeze
> Okay I can see that. I do think I go back and forth. I do see him as a victim at times. But isn't he? He also made choices to get to where he is. So I accept that too.


Is he? I don't know his life. I know other people though who use their lives as an excuse to do whatever they want.

One thing I do know, as long as people see him as a victim he'll remain a victim. You want him to grow as a person ultimately, but your own perception of him would deny that growth.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

Elegirl
Thank you. I think so too. I am proud of myself and a little shocked. I've already cussed him out once, thrown everything off the desk, sobbed, had sex with him, comforted him, and sobbed with a good friend. Lol whew a lot of emotions in a short period of time. I don't want to tell my family until we actually divorce. I'm still embarrassed. My younger brother really looked up to my H. So it breaks my heart he has a really good relationship with my family. My mom loves him like a son. But I can deal with all that at another time. I hope he moves out sooner than later.

intheory
I am happy to hear your good looking H stays faithful to you. I need to finish school now b/c if I don't I will have to pay out of pocket. Everything is paid for so it wouldn't make sense to put it on hold. I can get a better job if I finish and I will be able to live without his support. I'm still going to try and find a full time job so I can start saving. Sex is definitely my weakness. So I am going to be on guard. Even though apart of me doesn't really know why it matters. I would still want him to leave. He screwed me!!! I'm still mad! But I trust all of you guys enough to stop. But it annoys me so freaking much. I waited for him while he was deployed. My needs went unmet and now I'm screwed twice. So frustrating. It makes me happy that you can relate to me. It makes me feel less alone.  I don't know what they will ask me about the character reference. Hopefully I won't have to lie. I don't want to but I will try to keep it as short as possible.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

breeze said:


> Is he? I don't know his life. I know other people though who use their lives as an excuse to do whatever they want.
> 
> One thing I do know, as long as people see him as a victim he'll remain a victim. You want him to grow as a person ultimately, but your own perception of him would deny that growth.



Wow. Everything you post hits me hard. lol But yeah I'm definitely going to take this advice. I want to like print it out and post it on my wall. lol  Thank you. But how should I perceive him?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Ruey, you are really a strong woman. You have gone from not thinking he cheated to knowing he cheated to being ready to face life without him and knowing that you will be alright.

I'm proud of you that you didn't let his last crying bout cause you to go off course or lose your perspective. He needs to know how it will feel without you. Not comforting him gives him a little taste of that.

I hope that ultimately he comes to his senses and comes back to you a changed man. By the strength you've shown from the very beginning of this ordeal, I'm confident that if he doesn't come to his senses,you are going to have a fulfilling happy life anyway.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Ruey, you are really a strong woman. You have gone from not thinking he cheated to knowing he cheated to being ready to face life without him and knowing that you will be alright.
> 
> I'm proud of you that you didn't let his last crying bout cause you to go off course or lose your perspective. He needs to know how it will feel without you. Not comforting him gives him a little taste of that.
> 
> I hope that ultimately he comes to his senses and comes back to you a changed man. By the strength you've shown from the very beginning of this ordeal, I'm confident that if he doesn't come to his senses,you are going to have a fulfilling happy life anyway.


That means so much. Thank you. I'm am an introverted person who is a bit of a homebody. So this whole issue is teaching me that I need to branch out make friends and do more things that make me happy.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Ruey said:


> I'm am an introverted person who is a bit of a homebody. So this whole issue is teaching me that I need to branch out make friends and do more things that make me happy.


That is a good thing to know about yourself and fix at any stage of life! I too am a homebody, and can tend to isolate myself. I have to make myself call a friend to meet for coffee. The longer I am alone (my children are home with me, but I am talking about having adult conversations/companionship) the harder it is to reach out.

Do you belong to any clubs, study groups, hobbie groups, etc.? Or can you call an old friend and catch up?


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

IMFarAboveRubies

I don't belong to any clubs. I really only have two friends who are very close to me. Honestly my H was my best friend and my world really revolved around him so it kinda sucks. I guess I can see why that was probably not the best decision now. Lol It reminds me of when one of my good friends died ten years ago. It would drive me crazy b/c I kept thinking that the person I wanted to talk to the most about how sad I felt was dead. I feel like that now.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I'm sorry your friend is dead, and that your marriage feels dead too.

Being in the military and having to move away from friends doesn't help friendships either. My dad was military, so we moved a lot. My husband isn't military, but we moved 7 years ago because of his job (and the infidelity that he had when he lived apart from us.) I've made new friends, but not many deep friends, mostly acquaintances.

I've observed how different people fare as they get older. I hear stories of some old people who stay home and don't have any friends or family they see reguarly. I know old ladies at church who stay active with friends, serving, going to church, etc. are loved and looked after by their church friends and family. I want to be like those little old ladies at church. It takes effort to go out and meet people, and stay in relationship with them. Meaningful contact with people who you care about, and who care about you is what keeps people going.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Ruey said:


> Wow. Everything you post hits me hard. lol But yeah I'm definitely going to take this advice. I want to like print it out and post it on my wall. lol  Thank you. But how should I perceive him?


I'm not sure I can advise you on that as there's so much of it that depends on your own philosophies on life.

One way to see him is as someone who has not had enough repercussions for their actions to deter him from doing the same thing over and over again. Like Bart Simpson with electrified cupcake; the small electric shock is not enough to make him stop and think and change his decision that he needs to eat the cupcake, but this can be fixed by giving him a greater shock. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pxG4yd8U3U)

Another way to see it is that he lacks the intelligence to come to this conclusion on his own and is therefore not going to make a good partner for someone who is capable of self-reflection and personal growth.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

I honestly didn't eat for two days. I ate yesterday but just a few bites. I am also not sleeping well. I've gotten two hours tonight. I'm not trying to stay awake. I just wake up and can't get back to bed. He asked if we could still sleep in the same bed and I said no. He is on the couch. That was really hard to say no. I turned it back on him. I said your going back on your words you want the bandaid off then we shouldn't go to bed together. He said does that mean no affection and I said your right that is probably not helping either. I'm not being mean or cold. I joke with him if something funny comes up. I'm keeping my attitude upbeat. I'm trying to keep it positive. I don't want to hate him. Hating him would make me feel like crap. He goes back to work on Monday. So I'll have to spend less time with him soon. I took time off so that we would be able to connect after his deployment. But it seems like that was a mistake to clear my schedule. 


ImFarAboveRubies
I'll need to find some outlets for myself. I called a pastor bc I honestly just need some support right now. I'm going to meet with him and his wife later on today. They were sweet enough to agree to meet with me even though it is super last minute and on a holiday. 

Breeze
I guess I just wanted examples so I can check to see if I am doing the victim thing. I do see him like the Bart example. I don't think he has been told no enough. I think he often gets his way and things come very easy for him. He has had a few things not work out for him but mostly he has never really been held accountable. Knowing that helps me feel I'm making the right choice right now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ruey,

Not being able to sleep is very normal at this stage. And it's very bad for your mental and physical health. You might want to consider something to help you sleep. Two over the counter sleep aids are either Benadryl or Melatonin. 

Melatonin is the chemical your body makes to make you sleepy. 

I use both (not at the same time), when I have a sleeping problem.

You say that you want examples of how to think of him, instead of thinking of him as a victim. He is not a victim. He is a person who has learned to use his charm to get away with doing whatever he pleases.

He charms women to get sex with them. And he's been charming you for a long time to keep you bonded to him because he needs someone to take care of him.. and you fit that bill very well apparently.

So basically if I were you, I'd see him as a user of people. 

Have you ever seen him get really angry and/or upset with a friend of his? If so, how did he react to that person?

.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

Elegirl
I took a sleep aid the other night and it did nothing. I stayed up til 4am and woke up at 8am. I have literally no appetite. Eating doesn't interest me at all. My H asked if I wanted my favorite snack and i honestly would have to force myself to eat. But I don't want to bc I hate it. I've never loss my appetite like this b4. 

I honestly don't believe he charms and manipulates just so he can have sex. He just needs emotional validation. It eventually leads to sex but it isn't about sex. Honestly it would make it easier to get over if it was just sex. 

When he has gotten mad at friends he wants to fight them. He grew up playing football in a very violent manner. He has had screaming matches with friends in the past. He hates to be threatened. That makes him very mad. If someone really pissed him off I could see him fighting the guy easily. He has never been violent with me. He has a soft spot for women, elderly people, and handicap people. His sister is handicap so he grew up carrying for her. He was very close with his grandmother. He is very physically protective of the women in his life. He was a very large person at a young age so he has always felt his role was to protect vulnerable people physically.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ruey said:


> Elegirl
> I took a sleep aid the other night and it did nothing. I stayed up til 4am and woke up at 8am. I have literally no appetite. Eating doesn't interest me at all. My H asked if I wanted my favorite snack and i honestly would have to force myself to eat. But I don't want to bc I hate it. I've never loss my appetite like this b4.
> 
> I honestly don't believe he charms and manipulates just so he can have sex. He just needs emotional validation. It eventually leads to sex but it isn't about sex. Honestly it would make it easier to get over if it was just sex. .


Ok, so instead of using his charm for sex, he uses it to get emotional validation. It does not make it any better. 

My point is that he's using people to get what he needs/wants. 

I don't know you and your husband of course. But it's sounding a lot like my son's father. A guy who uses his charm to his advantage. It's not a bad thing if what the guy (or gal) wants is something that does not harm others. But when it's used like my ex did, or your husband has, it's very destructive.

Even now he sort of has a hold on you despite what he's done. I get it. I was there once too. My suggestion is that you pull back a bit more from him so that you can start seeing beyond the charm and him being so nice.




Ruey said:


> When he has gotten mad at friends he wants to fight them. He grew up playing football in a very violent manner. He has had screaming matches with friends in the past. He hates to be threatened. That makes him very mad. If someone really pissed him off I could see him fighting the guy easily. He has never been violent with me. He has a soft spot for women, elderly people, and handicap people. His sister is handicap so he grew up carrying for her. He was very close with his grandmother. He is very physically protective of the women in his life. He was a very large person at a young age so he has always felt his role was to protect vulnerable people physically.


Does he hold grudges against people he feels have done him wrong? Does he seek revenge?

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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think you would benefit from a book like "Getting the Love You Want" by H. Hendrix. Some of his theories on why we are attracted to certain people might help you find some of the answers you are seeking. 

I've also had the same problems with sleep when dealing with extreme emotional pain and grief. Eventually, as the pain subsided, my normal sleep patterns resumed. You could maybe speed this process up through methods suggested. I sometimes use nighttime meditation music to distract me from my own thoughts as I try to go to sleep.

As for the lack of appetite that is also a natural response to extreme stress, but try to keep up your water intake. 

There is a light at the end of this tunnel, you just have to get far enough along to see it.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

Elegirl 

I haven't seen him try to get revenge on anyone. He just accepts it after being pissed for a while. He doesn't really hold grudges. He had a teacher try to screw him over when he was in language school. He didn't try to get revenge he just was hurt and angry but he moved past it. 

I would be pissed either way if he had an affair but the emotional stuff annoys me more. If I was going to cheat on him I would just take a guy home from a bar and get off. Why do you have to pretend to be in love... It is so annoying. 

I do think the sooner he moves out the better I will be. I want him to leave. I just want to have the financial stuff secure. That's why I asked for the money so I have some form of security.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree that the faster he moves out the better. 

Hope you get some sleep. Don't know where you life, but isn't it in the middle of the night right now?

And yes, I need to get to sleep too.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

breeze said:


> I think you would benefit from a book like "Getting the Love You Want" by H. Hendrix. Some of his theories on why we are attracted to certain people might help you find some of the answers you are seeking.
> 
> I've also had the same problems with sleep when dealing with extreme emotional pain and grief. Eventually, as the pain subsided, my normal sleep patterns resumed. You could maybe speed this process up through methods suggested. I sometimes use nighttime meditation music to distract me from my own thoughts as I try to go to sleep.
> 
> ...


I'll get the book. He's just not that into you helped me cut him off before. So I know books really help. I will try the music thing too. I am drinking water so I 'll keep that up. It weird bc mentally I feel kinda decent especially when I'm alone. But the physical signs make me feel like sad.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I agree that the faster he moves out the better.
> 
> Hope you get some sleep. Don't know where you life, but isn't it in the middle of the night right now?
> 
> And yes, I need to get to sleep too.


Yeah it's 3:45am... I'm going to bed now. I took two sleeping aids so hopefully it will do it's job.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ruey said:


> I love you for this post. lol You really do get it. I really needed to hear this from someone who truly understands. Atm I am lucky to that he is being very cooperative. I was able to open my own account with a few thousand dollars as a cushion. He is willing to pay all of the bills. He was actually told by his Captain not to tell me about the affair b/c he said they will take everything away from him. He is being considered for top secret clearance and the Captain told him they won't give him it. He said one of the main reasons he waited to tell me was b/c he was afraid of what I would do to his career and what I would do physically (lol he really thought I would beat him??!?!? I'm never beat him before/ I think part of him wanted that...) I know it isn't popular either but this affair has let us put all of the cards on the table. He feels obligated to pay and support me. My pride makes me hate that b/c I would love nothing better than to make him suffer with guilt knowing that I was sleeping out of a car somewhere. At first we were going to go file for D the next day after discovery but then I realized I needed to wait. His captain told him they will 100% strip his rank for it and deduct from his pay check. I just hope we can stay amicable through all of this. We are doing well so far so I pray it stays this way. I am also happy that we don't have children which would have made this so much harder. I can't believe you did it with 4. You honestly have my respect for that.
> 
> I am going to take my time and try to put the pieces together as much as possible. I will try to stop saying negative things about myself. He said that he is surprised how I am responding to all of this. I think he thought I would be paralyzed and it terrifies him that I am actually making moves to move forward without him. I always took care of all of the finances and today he wrote out a plan on how we will work on getting through the next few months. I honestly think he is truly scared. It makes me feel stronger in a weird way and makes me feel like I can really move on without him.
> 
> ...


Would a military chaplain be of benefit?

Also if you keep it low key he will not have his rank removed and so any alimony would be higher?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

If you are still having problems with eating try meal replacement bars and meal replacement shakes?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

Thanks MattMatt 

I am going to try eating small amounts and not focusing on the situation so that I can be healthy. I am also trying to find a full time job. I talked to a pastor and his wife today and they were super kind to me. They said they would like to be my friends. Which really touched my heart b/c I don't really have that many friends. They also invited me and my H over for dinner. My H said he will go but I told him it does not mean we are going to R. I just want him to know that there are people out there that want to help him with his struggle if he wants help. I am leaving it up to him. I know I can't change him. I hope he changes with or without me b/c he is a very miserable person. It is sad. I am sad too but I know that it is temporary. I'm a Christian so I have been just trying to get closer to God b/c I really need him at this moment.


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## Ruey (Dec 28, 2015)

I forgot to say the pastor and his wife did not try to tell me to get back together with my husband or to D him. There daughter went through the same thing as me. They told me I have a choice to make and they want to help support me through it.


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## sally40 (Aug 7, 2015)

Hi Ruey! This is the first time I have responded to a post. I read some of your posts and I am sorry for what you are going through. I agree with the other posters who feel that you have been treated poorly by your husband, and that a bright future awaits you. I have been remarried for 9 years and am very happy with my 2nd husband. FYI my husband is very good looking and DOES NOT cheat -- like another poster said, some guys can be loyal -- you will find a guy like that.
I was married the 1st time for 10 years and my ex husband cheated on me w/a girl from his office. My ex and I had a 2 year old at the time. I had to find a job during a tough recession, meanwhile my ex husband married the girl from the office. I was skinny and still lost about 15 pounds. What got me through was (1) supportive friends and family (I remember my uncle made me laugh by saying (before my ex confessed to affair yet was treating me badly) ..uncle said "either your husband is cheating or he has a brain tumor". (2) making new friends, getting a new job, and making NEW memories without my (ex) husband helped a lot. I was also fortunate to have my son and immerse myself in being a mom. I also did go to a therapist about once a week and it helped to "Get it off my chest" The therapist was awesome - he said "One day, you will only think about your ex once in a while, he will be a distant memory" is true! I was lucky that I had several great girlfriends and sometimes would go to the mall or to dinner with a friend, i.e. I had emotional support from others. (3) it was a LOT easier once my (ex) husband moved out. happy ending-- about 14 months later I met my future husband (2nd husband) at church. We dated 4 years then married. His son was age 5 when we met and I am now the proud stepmom of an 18 year old young man. My husband has been a great stepdad to my son too. Me and my new husband created new memories together. Now when I think about my ex cheated with -- and then married -- the girl from his office, I think "She can HAVE him" I realize how his actions hurt my self-esteem over time and that he was overbearing....Try out new routines where u don't have memories of your husband -- go to new coffee shops, go visit a relative or friend -- watch TV shows u did not watch with your husband -- make new friends who DON"T even know your dh -- soon you will have a new identity separate from "being his wife". I promise it will get better. All the best!!


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Ruey, Go the fvck back home if you can..

If you have a loving and supporting normal decent family that has room for you.. Go the fvck back home.. 

I slightly hated giving up my ex wife cell phone bill to her because I could review the records and see that she was calling this other man the minute I would leave the house.. I mean there were times I would look at my cell phone time and pull up the block and notice it was the same exact time.. 

But once I made her pay for her own cell phone bill and I couldn't look anymore a wave of peace came over me.. Granted I was still utterly devastated, but I didn't realize it until I gave it up that it was better for me.. 

I read your whole thread and you are all over the place.. It utterly is understandable.. I thought about suicide myself several times.. 

The real simple issue here is that you are at ground zero.. You only have limited sight in all of this.. When you get up above to the 10,000 foot mark you will understand much more and think much more clearly..

He literally is telling you things to see if you can accept them.. But you had to pry it out of him at first.. 

Again as I said.. I knew his story was all fvcking bullsh!t.. 

I put my Ex wife through school in her 30s.. She got her degree at mid 30s.. The GF got her degree in her mid 30s.. 

You know you are lucky you didn't get anything while married to him.. Because he would be allowed to take away part of your degree in the divorce.. So if you became a doctor he would own part of your license for the rest of your life.. 

You could end up owing him !!! 

How do I know ? Because I used that tactic against my Ex wife.. 

Trust me if someone wants to be with someone and not have any further issues they are going to LIE... Babe it was a mistake.. I never do it again.. I haven't contacted her since.... 

Instead he is telling you the truth.. Take it as the truth.. He clearly see's you are weak and is okay with fvcking you and telling you he feels guilty because of the other woman..

HOLY SH!T... WTF... I am a man and I am telling you if I heard those words come out of my Ex wife mouth.. I would have killed her... 

Again I know its hard.. Trust me I know.. It was my ex wife 4th attempted or successful affair and I was willing to take her back.. 

Matter of fact I WAS TAKING HER BACK... She lied to and faked it until she couldn't anymore.. I just caught her in more lies.. 

Just go the fvck home.. Swallow your pride or shame or whatever.. Your family isn't going to call you stupid or anything.. Your father will want to kill him and your mom is gonna cry for you.. No parent wants to see their kids hurt, trust me.. I would go to jail for my kids for less.. 

You are not that kid from 10 years ago.. You will be able to stay away from him.. You will be fine... I thought I would have issues staying away from my ex wife.. 

But 20 year marriage and 2 kids.. I have no issues staying away from her.. 

Like everyone else, you will go home meet some old guy friend, have a rebound relationship and then move on with your life.. 

As times goes by you will realize you are not old and just talking sh!t because you where upset.. You will eventually realize what a sap you where and hate how you felt about him and everything that went on..

I know I sure did... I hated feeling weak later on.. I was like *"WTF was wrong with me"*..

Go home.. Go home... 

Get the fvck away from him.. 

Go back to school get a career and meet someone else.. Date, marry and have the kids you want or don't want.. 

But you need to hear wtf he is saying.. You need to stop sugar coating what an utter d0uchebag he is being.. 

My ex wife was suzie home maker when she wasn't being a cheating kunt.. I never cheated.. Not once.. Do I get the attention your husband does ? No.. I didn't back then.. But I could have cheated on my ex wife at least a dozen times during our marriage.. I NEVER DID ONCE.. 

Your husband is telling he is looking at woman and wants to cheat ? 

Trust me... One day you will look back on what you posted and be so fvcking pissed off at yourself.. You will think back at all the sh!t he said to you.. You will be what fvcking balls this guy had to talk to me like that and tell me this sh!t like its okay..

He should be begging, instead he is telling you I will fvck you but I will be thinking about the other girl..

Anything else is just bullsh!t smoke screen.. He says part of him wants to write off other people and be alone ? Its an utter fvcking lie.. He just said he looks at other woman and wants to cheat.. 

Go the fvck home.. Go home.. Hit the fvcking reset button on this one.. 

You can divorce him from your state.. Let him come there to contest it.. 

You take whatever you want and need and you make sure he doesn't fvck with you or you crush his career.. 

But trust me when I tell you the more support you have the Ruey team in real life the better it is.. You will things change in leaps and bounds.. When you feel weak there will be a person right there next to you to make you feel stronger.. 

But here now.. Lets assume he tries to get together with this woman and it doesn't work out and she clearly and utterly cuts him lose.. Lets say she tells him the truth and he finds out she is engaged or married.. 

You will be his plan B.. You will be his fall back b!tch.. For now.. Until he finds the next Mrs. Right.. 

Go home.. Stop with your embarrassment bullsh!t and go the fvck home.. 

Look I am sure you have pretty much heard the double standard bullsh!t already.. Men are dogs and expected to cheat.. Men have a lot of pride.. ETC..

Well now imagine me.. My wife cheated on me and left me.. It crushed my pride.. I was cop in a police facility crying 5 to 7 times a day over my wife.. I mean it can't less macho and less manly than that.. I was an utter crying sap.. 

So if anything it is expected for a woman to cry and go back home.. 

Again whatever makes it easier for you to swallow this nonesense pride..

Go home


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