# Step kids



## Mlewis (Sep 10, 2013)

I've been with my husband for two years, married a year. I'm 42 he's 36. We have custody of his two children girl 17, boy6. Two diff mothers. Aside from a bunch of bs, is it common that a step parent, step mom, doesn't really like the step kids. My husband and the friction about the kids has caused a lot of problems. Am I doing a disservice to my husband by staying married to him? I've tried with the kids but to many problems, I just would rather not be bothered. But obviously I'm married to the dad. And we have our problems too. Although majority is about his kids. I believe we would have a better relationship if the kids weren't there. I'm thinking divorce? I know this isn't fair to them. I guess I just need advice, a scolding, support, anything....


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

So many questions spring to mind before anyone could offer any meaningful advice.

How much time and thought did you and your husband put into how to deal with the children before you married?

Did you agree in advance some ground rules / copping strategies?

As his daughter is now 17 how much longer will she want to live with you, if she moves out (to college / university) will that make things easier?

You do not tell us about your relationship / child rearing experience but your husband has had at least two previous failed relationships so surely you went into this marriage with your eyes open?

If disagreements / problems within your marriage seem to stem for childcare issues / style could you not seek family counseling?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

It is so foolish to have married so quickly. Blending families is a mine field that very few couple survive, rate of second marriages that end in divorce is higher than first marriages and it is most often due to child related issues.



> I believe we would have a better relationship if the kids weren't there.


 why on earth did you two get married? 

I would kick my partner to the curb if this was his attitude towards my kids and I know he would do the same to me if I had such a poor attitude to his kids.


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## MoonWatchman (Mar 7, 2013)

Yes, statistics are pretty bad for 2nd marriages, and yes, step-parenting can be a very difficult job. It can be done though! The fact that you worry that you're doing your husband a disservice by staying married to him shows that you're not just reacting in a selfish way here. The kids have already experienced a lot of heartache over these years with divorce and separation, wouldn't you say? And, being a mom of 21 and 18 yr old daughters myself, I know that teen-aged girls are really emotional and struggling with their own issues, making it all the harder for moms in particular to deal with them (even under the best of circumstances!) Are you able to just let dad deal with his daughter, and do your best to be available to her and your 6 yr old stepson when the y reach out to you for your help? You know, they may both be worried or just resigned to the fact that you too will leave, so why allow you to get close, right? You married your husband for better or worse. Have you tried counseling, or did you get any pre-marital counseling? There are many books out there for blended families ~ have you worked through any of them? It's a tough job, and all blended families need help. 

You sound like you still love your husband, so it was be so sad, in my opinion, to throw in the towel here ~ sad for you, sad for him, and yes, sad for the kids even though you may feel they don't like you. I read the following from a really helpful article on step-parenting "The cardinal rule for stepparent bonding is to let the children set the pace for their relationship with you. 
•If they welcome or seek affection, then go for it. 
•If they remain distant and cordial, honor that as well. 
•If they follow your rules and respect your decisions, continue to assert your given authority. 
•If they challenge your authority, find ways to live on borrowed power from the biological parent." 

If you want to read the rest of the article, it's at: http://bit.ly/18sR4FC I really hope you can hang in there and get some counseling help. There's so much at stake here. Hugs and blessings to you!


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## Boottothehead (Sep 3, 2013)

I've known my stepdaughter since she was born, and some days I would cheerfully sell her to the gypsies


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

This thread breaks my heart 

I'm a step mum to my husbands beautiful 9 year old daughter and I love her to bits. We are very close.

I tell my husband often that he's brought so much into my life, and that she is the best part of it - after him.

There must be more to this, can you give us some more information? What sort of problems have you had. I imagine more of them have been with the teenager than the younger one?


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