# Wife Hurt and Angry After I Say My Inheritance is Mine



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

My mother passed away in Nov 2010 and I am entitled to certain small sums of money as a beneficiary. There is a $200.00 check on the way and on several occasions my wife expressed impatience waiting for "her money" and how important getting this check was for her to manage her monthly family spending. (I work full time and give her complete spending authority, the only thing I buy is gas for my car). 

After hearing her say "her money" a couple of times and plan on folding it into her spending, I matter-of-factly pointed out that my inheritance was "my money" and I hadn't decided what to do with it yet. I was considering buying myself a guitar or fishing rod (I have neither) but I really haven't decided on anything.

This morning she calls me aside and angrily tells me that she is very hurt by me saying that the money is mine. When I pointed out that the money is legally mine she said that they was I said this to her was hurtful to her. When I asked how I could better say it differently, her response was unclear.

I am confused here. We are both educated middle age adults and I though everyone knew that inheritance was the personal property of the beneficiary. Maybe not, so am I not allowed to say this? I'm really stuck because I don't want to be hurtful but I don't want to be forced into something either. This morning was a really big blowup and the emotional fallout has me deflated having difficulty proceeding with necessary tasks. Can someone help me get the right perspective on this? Any suggestions for what exactly I should do?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Do you really not see how beaten down you are, and what a bully you are letting your wife be?




Ten_year_hubby said:


> My mother passed away in Nov 2010 and I am entitled to certain small sums of money as a beneficiary. There is a $200.00 check on the way and on several occasions my wife expressed impatience waiting for "her money" and how important getting this check was for her to manage her monthly family spending. (I work full time and give her complete spending authority, the only thing I buy is gas for my car).
> 
> After hearing her say "her money" a couple of times and plan on folding it into her spending, I matter-of-factly pointed out that my inheritance was "my money" and I hadn't decided what to do with it yet. I was considering buying myself a guitar or fishing rod (I have neither) but I really haven't decided on anything.
> 
> ...


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Do you really not see how beaten down you are, and what a bully you are letting your wife be?


Totally agree. Take the money and buy your guitar or your fishing rod. Your Mother would have wanted you to have some happiness.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hubby,

You sound like a really nice guy.

That's likely at the root of your problems.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

Come to the Men's Clubhouse to discuss it with us. This is likely the tip of the iceberg.



Ten_year_hubby said:


> My mother passed away in Nov 2010 and I am entitled to certain small sums of money as a beneficiary. There is a $200.00 check on the way and on several occasions my wife expressed impatience waiting for "her money" and how important getting this check was for her to manage her monthly family spending. (I work full time and give her complete spending authority, the only thing I buy is gas for my car).
> 
> After hearing her say "her money" a couple of times and plan on folding it into her spending, I matter-of-factly pointed out that my inheritance was "my money" and I hadn't decided what to do with it yet. I was considering buying myself a guitar or fishing rod (I have neither) but I really haven't decided on anything.
> 
> ...


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

:scratchhead: How is it that she can call your inheritance her money and you can't call your inheritance your money? Please explain how you are going along with this crazy thinking. 

In my opinion, being married does not rob you of your selfhood. You are part of a unit and have responsibilities but you are an individual with responsibilities to keep up your mental garden healthy. You have allowed yourself to become an appendage of your wife, it appears, and your garden has gone to seed. 

The money is your money, if there are no pressing out standing commitments, then take it and do something nice for yourself. That's why your Mom left the money to her son not her son's family. She trusted you enough to know you would do the right thing. Buy a fishing rod for your wife and invite her along. 

Storm the bridge and take your place at the helm of the family ship.


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

My husband said his money is our money. He is the sole bread winner as well.
He has 3 guitars and many of men's things and I have plenty of women's stuffs as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> :scratchhead: How is it that she can call your inheritance her money and you can't call your inheritance your money? Please explain how you are going along with this crazy thinking.
> 
> In my opinion, being married does not rob you of your selfhood. You are part of a unit and have responsibilities but you are an individual with responsibilities to keep up your mental garden healthy. You have allowed yourself to become an appendage of your wife, it appears, and your garden has gone to seed.
> 
> ...


Catherine,

Sounds like you're telling him to man up.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Catherine,
> 
> Sounds like you're telling him to man up.


We all are!!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Check into what the state of the family money situation really is.

She may just really need that $200 and you don't know why.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Brennan said:


> We all are!!


yes Conrad
sounds like she thinks of him as one of the kids and does not respect him. If she at lest asked him what he was thinking of using the money for, that would indicate that she regards him as a human with some sovereignty and a right to private resources. if the family is in good shape financially why can't he use his money. 

I think it is a bad idea to give total control of finances to one person. I am biased but I think out of respect for the good man he should be intimitaly involved. No criticism to my gender but, the woman having complete control may make her treat the husband like one of her charges. If he is resposible, he should maintain some control. Sexual attraction is closely related to a mans ability to support his family so he sould emphasize this aspect of the relationship by making it obviously that he is supporting. 

I dont mean that the wife is locked out of access but he should not be. Big mistake on the part of men. I think one of the items on Brennen's list, childlike behavior - he has, by error, become her child if she argues with him that HIS inheritence belongs to her. When he shares it, she is not greateful because she feels entitled to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

For $200? Split it with her.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> No, in fact it doesn't. You may think that because you react to some of my post and not to others. That's like a group blind men describing an elephant based on feeling only part of it. They all get it wrong.
> 
> You'll find that I am consistent, if you care to slog through more of my post. My bias does favor supporting married women who i feel get little respect.
> 
> ...


I am new here and I have found Catherine to be just as she described above. 

While I probably don't agree with everything she says, she is no man hater and her posts are empathetic to people of both genders.

We all have bias, and at least Catherine recognizes hers.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Yes, I hear you all and you're right, but I have to admit I have facilitated the entire situation. My w handles the finances because I'm really busy doing other stuff (like making the money in the first place) and I feel she that she needs to contribute in a responsible manner. She has an MBA and used to work for a bank so she is actually qualified as well. My real issue is how to deal with being charged as being hurtful. It's just not my style and I don't know how to respond.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

I don't understand why she feels hurt. It's OK if she is managing your money, but at least she had to ask you what you wish to do with your mother's money. You have a right to spend some of these money on yourself to buy a valuable thing in memory of your mother.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Yes, I hear you all and you're right, but I have to admit I have facilitated the entire situation. My w handles the finances because I'm really busy doing other stuff (like making the money in the first place) and I feel she that she needs to contribute in a responsible manner. She has an MBA and used to work for a bank so she is actually qualified as well. My real issue is how to deal with being charged as being hurtful. It's just not my style and I don't know how to respond.


Maybe she thinks the inheritance is the same as the rest of the money you bring into the home. Will you be getting a certain amout on a regular basis like your salary? Is she is accustomed to making all of the decisions about how the money is spent. If you want money do you have to ask your wife and explain why you want it? Does she do the same for you. Are you happy with this arrangement? 

Are you happy with your wife and is she happy with you? You can simply say that you know she is hurt and you would like to understand why so that you that can help. If this is an indication of a situation that you would like to change then think of what you want to do when this blows over and do it. 

As long as you are not neglecting your family. Are you sure you have not made yourself invisible - getting everyone else what they want and just acting like an ATM with no toys for you? I don't think spending money on something you would like is a problem. But that is not what this is about - I think it is about her perception that control of the money is being taken from her.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Syrum said:


> I am new here and I have found Catherine to be just as she described above.
> 
> While I probably don't agree with everything she says, she is no man hater and her posts are empathetic to people of both genders.
> 
> We all have bias, and at least Catherine recognizes hers.


Thank you. I am not sure what I said that was vitriolic towards Conrad. I do say strong things. I'll avoid saying anything that would be best.


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

I think because she didn't know that you were going to claim the money all as your, and she's assuming what's yours is hers, she thought since you probably really have no use for it, it would be for her to spend.

This isn't to say she's right. She didn't fully understand your plan for the money. Also, maybe she grew up not realizing the simple things, such as, that inheritance are meant to be discussed by both spouses and the decision usually leans toward the the child who inherits.

As for the $200, it's all yours. But, the way you spoke to her wasn't so nice. Since she kept saying it was hers, you should have just said, "What were you planning to do with the $200? Because I was going to buy something nice for myself since I rarely get the chance to."

That should make her see that you already had plans for it.

Another way to go about it (and this would be the way my husband and I would go about it) is to put it into a shared savings for retirement or toward a big purchase like remodeling the basement. It wouldn't matter who inherited it. We share everything. Not as in your half and my half, but more of, when you need the money, then you use it. When I need it, I'll use it.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

moonangel said:


> ... you should have just said, "What were you planning to do with the $200? Because I was going to buy something nice for myself since I rarely get the chance to."


This sort of advice is what I am looking for. But since it is very unlikely that I will ever be able to say what is suggested at the necessary moment, I am looking for what to say after the fact


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## marky (Mar 27, 2011)

Just wondering if anyone out there has had similar problem and how you dealt with it..


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## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

Read "When I say no, I feel guilty" because you basically said no, and now she is making you feel guilty.

Quit being maniuplated and stand up for yourself.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

Ultimately I don't think there is a clear answer to whose money it really is. Especially in a marriage, I feel like things should be split 50/50. Inheritance IS different because there are so many other factors that go along with it. Maybe she feels like he's withdrawing because he doesn't want to share with her--and maybe that translates into fears that he won't share his thoughts/feelings with her, since the money has an emotional quality. 

Either way, I think he needs to tell her that SHE hurt HIS feelings by calling it "her money" rather than respecting him and discussing it with him. She should have recognized the difference, and if she didn't, he should explain to her why it's different than normal money. I think just opening up and talking about it will be helpful because it will show her the complexities.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Buy something nice for your self and then take her on a date. and take her home and have sex.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> This sort of advice is what I am looking for. But since it is very unlikely that I will ever be able to say what is suggested at the necessary moment, I am looking for what to say after the fact


Here is my thought. You need to be more involved with the family finances. I am sure that you have 15 minutes a week to have your wife update you on the family spending plan (if there is one). If ya'll don't have a spending plan (ie budget) then now is a great time to make one.

Dave Ramsey is a great resource, so is Mary Hunt and several other financial guru's. I just think Dave Ramsey has an easy straight forward program to follow. Bottom line, they ALL say to have a budget and they ALL say for both partners to know where the money is going.

You tell your wife that you appreciate that she takes care of all the finances in the house and you realize that you have really gotten out of the loop on what all the expenses are. You would like to sit down with her for 15 minutes on xxx at xxx and go over the budget. The first time you do this may be shocking, upsetting, uncomfortable, etc.
The idea is for you guys to get on the same page to the family finances and be able to both see where it is all going.

You may find that you guys are spending more than you make and that is why she was so looking forward to the extra $200 a month. She may have simply felt that all money that comes to the house is family money. She may view herself as keeper/controller of the money since it is her responsibility to pay the bills.

The inheritance is yours. You need to be the decider of what happens with it and to it. You were not mean or unreasonable.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> This sort of advice is what I am looking for. But since it is very unlikely that I will ever be able to say what is suggested at the necessary moment, I am looking for what to say after the fact


Why on earth can't you say that? None of us have any idea what she planned with that money and why it's so important, only you can find that out. Asking, is a perfectly reasonable request. Maybe she has something important to her planned, who knows. 

You have the power to find out. We don't. If you are not able/willing to have a pretty benign conversation with her about a small sum of money, then you have much bigger issues, and the money is a red herring in all of this. 

Healthy relationships talk about contentious issues and come to a mutual resolution where both parties feel like they've gotten their needs met.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

seeking sanity said:


> Why on earth can't you say that? None of us have any idea what she planned with that money and why it's so important, only you can find that out. Asking, is a perfectly reasonable request. Maybe she has something important to her planned, who knows.
> 
> You have the power to find out. We don't. If you are not able/willing to have a pretty benign conversation with her about a small sum of money, then you have much bigger issues, and the money is a red herring in all of this.
> 
> Healthy relationships talk about contentious issues and come to a mutual resolution where both parties feel like they've gotten their needs met.


Unfortunately, I'm just not wired that way and it may take some doing for me to get there. She was planning to spend the money on current expenses so she wouldn't have to budget for things like auto insurance or heating oil. I pointed out that the money was mine, which was probably not the best thing to say, as you point out.

The money is legally mine and I will spend it as I see fit. No one would describe our relationship as healthy, but it's the only marriage we have. Since I starting out saying the wrong thing, I'm looking for how to recover after the fact. Actually, I apologized and told her what you suggested and she said I wasn't genuine enough


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

notaname said:


> You may find that you guys are spending more than you make and that is why she was so looking forward to the extra $200 a month.


Bingo. I'm not as detached as I may sound, I'm just not willing to do it all myself and we don't work together well. Right now this has segued into a discussion about using our savings to pay current expenses. This is savings from previous times since we don't save at all now. She knows I'm serious about protecting our savings from previous conversations so I think we are looking at trying to get the $200.00 by saying "if you don't give it to me, I'll spend down our savings". I already told her OK. Btw, it's $200.00 total, not $200.00 a month


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Right, I would just split it down the middle. Or, for $200 I might just give it all to her just to keep her quiet. That's like 4 tanks of gas.


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## kgregory1011 (Dec 2, 2010)

I also have received an inheritance. The money I receive is MY money, it came from my family BUT I use it for things that benefit the both of us (dinners out, things for the house, vacations etc). I would be very upset if he called the money "his".


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Bingo. I'm not as detached as I may sound, I'm just not willing to do it all myself and we don't work together well. Right now this has segued into a discussion about using our savings to pay current expenses. This is savings from previous times since we don't save at all now. She knows I'm serious about protecting our savings from previous conversations so I think we are looking at trying to get the $200.00 by saying "if you don't give it to me, I'll spend down our savings". I already told her OK. Btw, it's $200.00 total, not $200.00 a month


Oh gosh, it's $200 total! My bad.

Dude, buy yourself something wonderful and remember your mother every time you use it. :smthumbup:

I hope you two can sit down and set a realistic spending plan together so the necessary spending can happen without ruining savings. It seems like it can be really hard to get one spouse on board in many marriages. Good luck!


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

notaname said:


> Oh gosh, it's $200 total! My bad.


I too thought that was more than $200.
Sincerely I don't know what plans you can do with $200? Is this money going to make a difference in your life? It will just pay a bill and nothing else. If I was in your wife's position I wasn't going to say anything. I would leave my husband spend the $200 on himself, or you can go out with your wife and have a drink honoring her memory.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

marcy* said:


> I too thought that was more than $200.
> Sincerely I don't know what plans you can do with $200? Is this money going to make a difference in your life? It will just pay a bill and nothing else. If I was in your wife's position I wasn't going to say anything. I would leave my husband spend the $200 on himself, or you can go out with your wife and have a drink honoring her memory.


I was thinking about buying a guitar and a fishing rod, both of which I've been wanting for a long time and my wife knows it.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

lime said:


> Either way, I think he needs to tell her that SHE hurt HIS feelings by calling it "her money" rather than respecting him and discussing it with him. She should have recognized the difference, and if she didn't, he should explain to her why it's different than normal money. I think just opening up and talking about it will be helpful because it will show her the complexities.


You know this sounded to me like a really good idea (and that should have been a warning) because it was the hurt I felt from the lack of respect for me and things mine and the deflating of the idea I had in my mind of buying something for myself that led to the snippy comment "that's my money" in the first place.

So I brought it up this morning and what a mistake. After her telling me that she would not have to put up with this kind of stuff from any other man, she proceeded to tell me that it would be impossible for me to find any other woman that would put up with my behavior. I responded that any other guy might not be as accommodating as she thinks and lots of guys I know have guitars and fishing rods and other stuff of their own. So opening up and talking about wasn't really a positive experience for me.


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

I'm sorry, I just don't subscribe to the "what's yours is mine" school of thought. Being married doesn't automatically mean two people merging into one, and the law doesn't see it that way either, which is why inheritance is separate from community property in most states. I learned the hard way during my marriage that comingling inheritance or gift money with joint assets is a bad idea. My ex husband benefited tremendously from my family's generous annual gift money for many, many years (to the tune of thousands of dollars). However, when we divorced he fought me over child support and tried to wiggle out of every financial obligation. I now wish I'd socked away all that money for myself instead of handing it over to a guy you took advantage of me. It's one of the reasons I hesitate to ever get married again. Sorry for being so cynical.

I frankly think your wife is being incredibly childish and selfish. In this day and age, I don't think anyone is entitled to another person's money, especially inheritance. It's ridiculous for a woman to not be financially self sufficient. This isn't the 1800s, tell your wife to get out and get a job...she's educated so she should have no problem. You are not obligated to support her and she should consider herself lucky that you've given her the gift of being able to stay home with her kids for a while. She sounds greedy if she's henpecking you over a measly $200 gift from your deceased mother.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

So a few questions, does your wife have nice things? extra shoes? toys she likes? If you are the sole provision and buy nothing for yourself you are getting worked. If she is equaly frugal towards herself or if the family is in financial straights then she may have a point but the decision would still be yours to make. The Im hurt statement may just be a way to manipulate you. If she controls the purse strings she also has a lot of control over you as there isnt much a person can do without money.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

It's $200 man.

You both need to grow up.

Geez...I don't care who's inheritance it is.

Split the money 50/50 and carry on with your life.

Perspective - it's all about perspective.

Now, if we were talking hundreds of thousands of dollars, well...different story.

But WWIII over $200 - come on.


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## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> It's $200 man.
> 
> You both need to grow up.
> 
> ...


Two years ago, when I was still paying child support for both of my kids, that $200 was 4 months worth of "left overs" after our bills were paid. For us at the time that would have been a windfall. I went 15 years without having any more room in the budget than $50 a month. To you it may be $200 but to some it can be more money than they can save in several months.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Actually, it looks like you've got deep problems. This $200 is just an obvious symptom. We can see by her reaction to you bringing back the topic that it is WAAAY deeper. 

Maybe use it for counseling?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

So let's say you go buy a guitar and a fishing pole and other stuff that lots of guys have with the $200.

What happens then?

That inheritance was presumably given to you to enrich your life with the passing of your family member.

Will your life be enriched by getting the guitar and fishing pole RIGHT NOW?

Would your life be enriched by catching up on bills RIGHT NOW instead?

Would your life be enriched by splitting the cash with your wife RIGHT NOW instead?

I have one last question for you. 

If your wife inherits some money and she wants to buy something just for herself, will it bother you?


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

*My take It's your money.PERIOD.*

I find your post interesting. When I first got with my husband who was my bf then, I didn't know he was getting an inheritance, he was getting wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy more than 200.00. When he told me I was like wow good for you. I hope when you get it you spend it wisely. Close to when we were getting engaged he got it. My feelings were IT IS HIS money. If he wanted to spend the money on a baseball card that was his business. 

When his ex wife and him were together she did the same mistake she assumed and started calling it her money she started telling him what to do with it without talking to him about it….. On top of the fact she had really,really, really, bad spending habits. 

The point that people are MISSING is that it could be 20 dollars or 20 million. It's about respect if she would have came to you differently maybe it wouldn't bug you so much. 
It's the principal of the situation. The morality isn't the amount, but more so HOW that money was given to you. It was your mother she wanted you to have it as her son. She should respect your family’s wishes as well as your own, this issue is about boundaries not $$$. 

The fact that she didn’t ask you is disrespectful because of how you came into the money, when someone passes no matter what that gift is it’s sort of like saying hey I was thinking of you at the time and I want you to have this. It’s not selfish and you don’t have to split it with anybody for the sake of peace. I feel it’s about boundaries because I get the feeling that it is not about the dollar amount but just being considerate of your feelings and instead of jumping the gun and assuming its Yours (hers) just take the time to ask the person his or her feelings. I think the communication that you have with her about feelings and boundaries is a constant issue in your marriage. Sense of entitlement. Period. Put that in check before it gets out of hand if it is not already.
-Kris


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I get that she worded her interest in the cash badly, yeah. 

However, my impression is that she has been handling the family's finances not merely for her gain, but for the good of the family--which presumable includes the OP.

I'm not suggesting he cut off his balls and deliver them with the check to her.

But it just seems to me a bit much to go to the wall over $200.

For either of them!



MarriedWifeInLove said:


> It's $200 man.
> 
> ....
> 
> But WWIII over $200 - come on.


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## MarriedGirl_2007 (Mar 29, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Do you really not see how beaten down you are, and what a bully you are letting your wife be?


:iagree:

I also think your Wife is manipulative!


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Myopia1964 said:


> I'm sorry, I just don't subscribe to the "what's yours is mine" school of thought.


It seems that somehow my wife has a huge emotional investment in this idea. From what I know of her past I can't really see where it comes from but she seems to have very strong feeling about it. It certainly doesn't come from any conversations she has had with me. And it only pertains to money. Regarding other things like time and attention and activity she is very much into the division between "hers" and "ours".

Since we don't save at all, $200.00 is more than would ever save period under the current spending plan. In all fairness, she is not spending a whole lot on herself either. 

With help from several of the forum contributions, I have reframed this incendiary situation as a pair of misunderstandings which have resulted in hurt feeling on both sides. I misunderstood what she meant when she said the money was hers. I felt hurt when I saw the things I was thinking of buying disappear in my mind and I snapped back something about "my money" which wasn't the nicest way of saying it so she was hurt also.

I was looking to put this to bed as soon as it happened, but that is not what has happened. My wife now insists that I don't understand her point of view. I'm thinking that what she means is that if I understood I would see that she is right and give her the money. Not doing that means I don't understand.

Here is where thing really start going south. When my wife doesn't get her way she can become abusive. We saw this yesterday morning when she let loose a series of the most awful, vitriolic, destructive personal attacks you can imagine. Unfortunately, taken on face value she confirmed that she is hugely resentful that I have any feelings at all, she doesn't care anything about how I feel and she is completely insensitive to any emotional distress I may be experiencing.

I brought up the subject of our morning conversation(?) last night and she apologized. I asked her exactly what she was apologizing for since a lot of things were said and says she can't remember anything of what she said so she is apologizing for everything and anything. I will take this as a topic for another thread. Thanks to everyone for helping me get my head on straight here despite all the distractions in my house


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> It seems that somehow my wife has a huge emotional investment in this idea. From what I know of her past I can't really see where it comes from but she seems to have very strong feeling about it. It certainly doesn't come from any conversations she has had with me. And it only pertains to money. Regarding other things like time and attention and activity she is very much into the division between "hers" and "ours".
> 
> Since we don't save at all, $200.00 is more than would ever save period under the current spending plan. In all fairness, she is not spending a whole lot on herself either.
> 
> With help from several of the forum contributions, I have reframed this incendiary situation as a pair of misunderstandings which have resulted in hurt feeling on both sides. I misunderstood what she meant when she said the money was hers. I felt hurt when I saw the things I was thinking of buying disappear in my mind and I snapped back something about "my money" which wasn't the nicest way of saying it so she was hurt also.


Well...it IS "your" money and she should respect that. You are under no legal or moral obligation to share it with her. I agree with an earlier issue that this is about boundaries. She is not respecting the fact that you are an individual and that you have a right to have a part of your finances separate from hers, married or not. Also, manipulative people frequently rely on situational ethics. She is insisting that the finances be shared (because you bring in the money), yet wants to have other aspects of your lives separate and function as individuals (because that protects her autonomy). She can't have it both ways...that's what a child does. Again, it might sound cynical, but I believe married people put far too much faith in their spouses' integrity rather than maintaining some healthy boundaries. Sounds like she is trying to turn this into YOUR issue (that your selfish, etc.), when in fact it is HER issue.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Myopia1964 said:


> Well...it IS "your" money and she should respect that. You are under no legal or moral obligation to share it with her. I agree with an earlier issue that this is about boundaries. She is not respecting the fact that you are an individual and that you have a right to have a part of your finances separate from hers, married or not. Also, manipulative people frequently rely on situational ethics. She is insisting that the finances be shared (because you bring in the money), yet wants to have other aspects of your lives separate and function as individuals (because that protects her autonomy). She can't have it both ways...that's what a child does. Again, it might sound cynical, but I believe married people put far too much faith in their spouses' integrity rather than maintaining some healthy boundaries. Sounds like she is trying to turn this into YOUR issue (that your selfish, etc.), when in fact it is HER issue.


Yes, she voiced the specific complaint that I do not understand why she she is feeling hurt (which I most certainly do understand). What has happened after that (which she is not able to share as clearly) is that my lack of understanding showed me to be someone below a the kind of person who merits her respect and consideration. Given that judgment, she is clear to verbally abuse me with impunity and without guilt because I am deemed to be defective or sub-worthy


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> I was looking to put this to bed as soon as it happened,.
> 
> Here is where thing really start going south. When my wife doesn't get her way she can become abusive. We saw this yesterday morning when she let loose a series of the most awful, vitriolic, destructive personal attacks you can imagine. Unfortunately, taken on face value she confirmed that she is hugely resentful that I have any feelings at all, she doesn't care anything about how I feel and she is completely insensitive to any emotional distress I may be experiencing.



So What happens when she throws her temper tantrums? Does she get her way? If so you are reinforcing her behavior and it should be of little wonder of why she does that.

This issue goes way deeper than $200 dollars its kinda about attitude to me. Seriously it sounds to me like she is use to getting her way and if she doesnt she throws a temper tantrum and that will get her, her way.

Look at it this way what if she came to you and said honey I know the money left to you is yours and you deserve a fishing pole but the family really needs it for food.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Boogsie said:


> Two years ago, when I was still paying child support for both of my kids, that $200 was 4 months worth of "left overs" after our bills were paid. For us at the time that would have been a windfall. I went 15 years without having any more room in the budget than $50 a month. To you it may be $200 but to some it can be more money than they can save in several months.


Never said $200 was not a lot of money to some people.

Sure it is.

But to cause WWIII over $200, nothing is worth that - I don't care how much money you do/don't have.

This is more than about the $200, the $200 is the symptom of something much, much bigger.

Is it really worth it to the both of you to further damage your marriage over $200?

If it is, then go for it...but I find it rather silly.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Never said $200 was not a lot of money to some people.
> 
> Sure it is.
> 
> ...


Everywhere I look money is never important to anyone as long as it's my money. Of course there's something else going on here although it's not clear what it is and whether or not it's really bigger. The money is mine. I am trying to understand the fundamental basis for my wife's strong feelings and why they would supersede basic respect for me and what is mine and lead to such a huge reaction. If and when she summons the personal respect and introspective capability to explain this to me then I will most likely turn the cash over to her assuming everything else is going well. I really don't need stuff, I need love. But if I can't get what I need, I'll keep the stuff as a consolation.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Your W clearly does not respect you, your desires and your needs. That much is glaringly obvious from your other posts. This behavior of hers is perfectly consistent with that. The fact that you still want to "appease" her if she simply asks "nicely" now is the reason she treats you so poorly. 

At some point you may have an "awakening" and realize "gosh my W treats me terribly because I LET HER. Why do I do that"? The sad thing is that she would actually be much happier and would love you more if you stood up for yourself. And ummm standing up for yourself has nothing to do with being a jerk, and everything to do with calmly, firmly and even humorously enforcing reasonable boundaries. You may think your W likes walking all over you, I say with certainty that "part" of her likes it but "most" of her cringes at the thought that she has no respect for you. And that "cringe" is most transparently expressed in the bedroom. 




Ten_year_hubby said:


> Everywhere I look money is never important to anyone as long as it's my money. Of course there's something else going on here although it's not clear what it is and whether or not it's really bigger. The money is mine. I am trying to understand the fundamental basis for my wife's strong feelings and why they would supersede basic respect for me and what is mine and lead to such a huge reaction. If and when she summons the personal respect and introspective capability to explain this to me then I will most likely turn the cash over to her assuming everything else is going well. I really don't need stuff, I need love. But if I can't get what I need, I'll keep the stuff as a consolation.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Everywhere I look money is never important to anyone as long as it's my money. Of course there's something else going on here although it's not clear what it is and whether or not it's really bigger. The money is mine. I am trying to understand the fundamental basis for my wife's strong feelings and why they would supersede basic respect for me and what is mine and lead to such a huge reaction. If and when she summons the personal respect and introspective capability to explain this to me then I will most likely turn the cash over to her assuming everything else is going well. I really don't need stuff, I need love. But if I can't get what I need, I'll keep the stuff as a consolation.


This is one of the most sensible post that I have read from a spouse trying to deal with being disrespected by their partner. Her reaction was over the top and I think it is a matter of control, she wants to have it and you had the nerve to exert your right to have control over what belongs to you. . Are there other examples of struggles for control between you two. The posession and control of the pursestrings is given to the person with the power in the relationship, does not matter who earns it. 

If power is shared then usually control of money is shared, if one person has all of the control of money, it may be symbolic to them feeling they are in control of their partner. Do you recognize this dynamic in your marriage? In order to find out what is going on, you will have to examine what control of money and spending means to your wife. This disrespect may be that she has assumed the role of leader because she is responsible for dealing with the day to day monitory operations. I am convienced that if you become actively involved with where the money goes in your home, you wife will be far less likely to disrespect you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Everywhere I look money is never important to anyone as long as it's my money. Of course there's something else going on here although it's not clear what it is and whether or not it's really bigger. The money is mine. I am trying to understand the fundamental basis for my wife's strong feelings and why they would supersede basic respect for me and what is mine and lead to such a huge reaction. If and when she summons the personal respect and introspective capability to explain this to me then I will most likely turn the cash over to her assuming everything else is going well. I really don't need stuff, I need love. But if I can't get what I need, I'll keep the stuff as a consolation.


Okay, let me put a different spin on it.

My husband and I are both retired military.

When I retired, I received by VA disability and have received it for more than 7 years now. I have treated this money as "ours" even though it is my disability that I earned from 25 years of service.

I spent it, he spent it - it was in our joint account for either one of us to use without it being referred to as "my disability".

Fast forward to 2008. Due to an error with the VA, my husband was not receiving his disability since he retired in 1999.

I spent almost 2 years, lots of paperwork, complaints, copying of medical records, two congressionals and working with the DAV to get him his disability.

Meanwhile, "we" were still living off of mine.

He gets his disability in late 2009. It results in back-pay all the way back to 1999 and he gets a few very large checks.

Now - all of a sudden - that's HIS disability and he wants to put it into a separate account, that I do not have access to, to spend as HE sees fit. 

Doesn't matter that we have been living off of mine for 7 years.

Doesn't matter that "I" did all the paperwork and went through all the grief to ensure that "He" finally received his disabililty.

I was hurt that he did not consider it "our" money and just "his." Especially when "my" disability was always considered ours.

I couldn't understand why "MY" money was our money, but "HIS" money was his money.

It wasn't about the money, more about the consideration and respect for me, as his wife, to discuss what we would do with the backpay windfall (at least discuss), and about all the hard work I put in to get it for him/us.

It caused some extremely hard feelings for us to get around.

He eventually came around and understood that it wasn't really about the $$ per say.

He still has a lot of it in a savings account and I have no problem with it anymore.

He finally heard me, we discussed what to do with some of it and he did give me a large portion to pay off our (not my debt, OUR debt) debt.

Once that consideration was made, I've had no further issues - the rest of the money he can spend as he sees fit (and we're talking thousands of dollars).

Maybe, in some way - your wife is feeling that she is not being respected or considered in this matter and that you could at least "discuss it" with her.

Just a thought...


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I would tend to agree Married had it not been for the force of her vitriol towards a man she expects to understand her. You cannot beat a person into understanding. What if he responded with equal venom to her and pointed out her sub-worthy characteristics? She thinks she is superior to him and I think you should bring her down a peg. 

If she thinks he is so lacking as a man and no other woman would put up with him then maybe he should test that hypothesis theoretically. What if he started going to the gym, taking an interest in his appearance, going out once in awhile with friends? What if he became cooler towards her less available and less reactive? Suppose he became more independent, would she become anxious? 

I think she told him that stuff about no woman putting up with him to convience herself, not him. She is anxious that he will find someone who is not as mean as she is. He has all of the cards and she is playing liars poker with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> I would tend to agree Married had it not been for the force of her vitriol towards a man she expects to understand her. You cannot beat a person into understanding. What if he responded with equal venom to her and pointed out her sub-worthy characteristics? She thinks she is superior to him and I think you should bring her down a peg.
> 
> If she thinks he is so lacking as a man and no other woman would put up with him then maybe he should test that hypothesis theoretically. What if he started going to the gym, taking an interest in his appearance, going out once in awhile with friends? What if he became cooler towards her less available and less reactive? Suppose he became more independent, would she become anxious? I think she told him that stuff about no woman putting up with him to convience herself, not him. She is anxious that he will find someone who is not as mean as she is. He has all of the cards and she is player liars poker with him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Okay - I can accept that.

But remember, we're only getting one side of the story.

In that case, I tend to sometimes err on the side of caution that I have not received "both sides of the story."


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You're right of course, we really don't know what she is hearing from her husband he may be leaving out parts that would put him in a less positive light. However, I can not agree with the tone of the the disagreement over money. He should at lest not be verbally abused over his own inheritance. I bet he could not comendair her money.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Your W clearly does not respect you, your desires and your needs. That much is glaringly obvious from your other posts. This behavior of hers is perfectly consistent with that. The fact that you still want to "appease" her if she simply asks "nicely" now is the reason she treats you so poorly.
> 
> At some point you may have an "awakening" and realize "gosh my W treats me terribly because I LET HER. Why do I do that"? The sad thing is that she would actually be much happier and would love you more if you stood up for yourself. And ummm standing up for yourself has nothing to do with being a jerk, and everything to do with calmly, firmly and even humorously enforcing reasonable boundaries. You may think your W likes walking all over you, I say with certainty that "part" of her likes it but "most" of her cringes at the thought that she has no respect for you. And that "cringe" is most transparently expressed in the bedroom.


Sounds good on paper but there are a lot of assumptions here that are not likely to be born out in fact. My wife treats me terribly because she's running a script over which she has little or no control. I'm sure it has been and will be the same with any intimate relationship. It really has almost nothing to do with me except for the fact that I'm here. I'm trying to help her get a little more control over herself by asking her to try to examine her inner motivations and share them with me. Hopefully, discovering and verbalizing some of her inner logic will help with self control. 

There is nothing she would like better than for me to stand up for myself and enforce or even suggest reasonable boundaries. This way her 20 minute abuse session could be extended into hours and hours of knock down drag out head to head screaming, yelling, cursing, disparaging, brutal verbal abuse where she attempts to stamps out through sheer force any vestige of any attempt to disagree with her personal view of things, which is pretty much anything I say. I promise, to make the best of a bad situation it's best to let this all go.

There is no cringing or liking here, she genuinely goes to a place where she is completely incapable of understanding the meaning of respect. When her rational mind kicks in, she can express and work with the concept but on an emotional level there is an absolute blank.

Since she is unable to express herself, I'm fishing for ideas here so I can help her frame these feelings in a socially reasonable context hoping that maybe we can work with this and work toward improvement.

Sadly, it's not clear that love or happiness in marriage is even on the plate here but I'm sure she's better off if we're together and I'm looking for a strategy to effect that. Your suggestions are instructive and I appreciate your input.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> I would tend to agree Married had it not been for the force of her vitriol towards a man she expects to understand her. You cannot beat a person into understanding. What if he responded with equal venom to her and pointed out her sub-worthy characteristics? She thinks she is superior to him and I think you should bring her down a peg.
> 
> If she thinks he is so lacking as a man and no other woman would put up with him then maybe he should test that hypothesis theoretically. What if he started going to the gym, taking an interest in his appearance, going out once in awhile with friends? What if he became cooler towards her less available and less reactive? Suppose he became more independent, would she become anxious?
> 
> ...


Thanks for your kind thoughts. I think the reason for the "no woman would ..." is sheer hurtfulness aka aggressive verbal abuse. She's really not in a position speak with authority about any/all other persons so the statement is only for effect, the effect being to hurt me. The reaction is totally out of proportion to the offense and the question is why?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Maybe, in some way - your wife is feeling that she is not being respected or considered in this matter and that you could at least "discuss it" with her.
> 
> Just a thought...


Indeed, she has said as much. But I'm stuck because she has not really been able to discuss this (a tirade of verbal abuse does not count as a discussion) probably because it makes her so angry. I'm looking outside for ostensible reasons so I can try on the best ones and see if one fits.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

TYH,
I am making a single critical assumption, if it is wrong I apologize if not keep reading. My assumption is that you are a free man with the ability to choose to walk away from abusive "events" such as a toxic conversation and abusive situations such as a marriage that is much more negative than positive. If that assumption is correct than a bit of friendly advice:
- You do not engage with someone who is being nasty or highly aggressive with you. You simply hold up your hand and calmly say "we can talk when you are able to be calm and constructive". If she rolls right over that and she WILL the first few times you go in a room and shut the door or you leave the house. 
- If she is clever enough to push your buttons and get YOU wound up without her being overtly nasty/loud, you keep your calm for a moment and let her know you need a moment. And you go somewhere until you are composed. 

This is not about being aggressive/jerky. In fact just the opposite. It is about refusing to interact when either you or she is out of control or rapidly losing control. 

You write as if you are a prisoner with no rights. That if you object to her bad behavior you will be subjected to "hours" of abuse. But all of that is predicated on your "choice" to not get up and walk away. And that continued choice is destroying what little respect she has left for you. 

I am sure the "reason" you think you "don't have a choice" is that she will leave you for doing this. That said she may. Accept that. ANY partner might leave you for insisting on fairness. Most of the time they don't. Do you really want to live the rest of your life in abject fear of the most important person in your life. 



Ten_year_hubby said:


> Sounds good on paper but there are a lot of assumptions here that are not likely to be born out in fact. My wife treats me terribly because she's running a script over which she has little or no control. I'm sure it has been and will be the same with any intimate relationship. It really has almost nothing to do with me except for the fact that I'm here. I'm trying to help her get a little more control over herself by asking her to try to examine her inner motivations and share them with me. Hopefully, discovering and verbalizing some of her inner logic will help with self control.
> 
> There is nothing she would like better than for me to stand up for myself and enforce or even suggest reasonable boundaries. This way her 20 minute abuse session could be extended into hours and hours of knock down drag out head to head screaming, yelling, cursing, disparaging, brutal verbal abuse where she attempts to stamps out through sheer force any vestige of any attempt to disagree with her personal view of things, which is pretty much anything I say. I promise, to make the best of a bad situation it's best to let this all go.
> 
> ...


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> TYH,
> I am making a single critical assumption, if it is wrong I apologize if not keep reading. My assumption is that you are a free man with the ability to choose to walk away from abusive "events" such as a toxic conversation and abusive situations such as a marriage that is much more negative than positive. If that assumption is correct than a bit of friendly advice:
> - You do not engage with someone who is being nasty or highly aggressive with you. You simply hold up your hand and calmly say "we can talk when you are able to be calm and constructive". If she rolls right over that and she WILL the first few times you go in a room and shut the door or you leave the house.
> - If she is clever enough to push your buttons and get YOU wound up without her being overtly nasty/loud, you keep your calm for a moment and let her know you need a moment. And you go somewhere until you are composed.
> ...


Mem, you are a good guy and I genuinely appreciate all your good input. Of course I have choices. Over time I have tried a different approaches and for right now I'm using the approach that results in the least accumulation of damage which is letting her rage until she quits. Leaving just causes more trouble, she holds a grudge against me and it contributes to the next incident. Finding out why that is one of my next missions.

Seriously, she would be doing me a favor by leaving. But this is one of the least likely outcomes here. And I'm not looking to leave myself so I'm taking the lead in trying to work things out, which is way out of my comfort zone. I really appreciate your giving me a reality check so that I have something I can try to balance things against.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

TYH,
I get that this is hard. I really do. It seems to come down to a tradeoff. Intense short term pain in the interest of a "cure". Or moderate long term pain that gradually increases. "Letting her rage" until she stops is not a "healing" process for the marriage. Most likely it is the opposite. 

Ask yourself a simple question. Did she act like this in the beginning? Because I am sure if she did you would not have married her. The "normal" trajectory is that the bully gets more aggressive and the pacifier gets more pacifistic. 

I am not suggesting you "fight", rather that you refuse to fight. If "shutting her down" by walking away means that the next time you see her she attempts to punish you for walking away, you repeat your boundary "not going to interact with you unless you can be calm and constructive". What will happen is she will either eventually stop doing that because you won't be interacting AT ALL at that point OR she will threaten to "leave you" for being a "jerk". And then you have a choice. My belief is a "threat" to leave is a bluff. If she wanted to leave she would already be gone. 

The real irony here is that in some way you feel "weak" due to all this abuse. But the truth is she is far weaker. If you could hold onto your emotions and shut her down for 2-4 weeks, she would melt down and come and apologize to you. 

Hope you get to that point. For her sake as well. She is likely able to behave like a decent human being, if she has no real alternative. And she would be happier doing so. 



Ten_year_hubby said:


> Mem, you are a good guy and I genuinely appreciate all your good input. Of course I have choices. Over time I have tried a different approaches and for right now I'm using the approach that results in the least accumulation of damage which is letting her rage until she quits. Leaving just causes more trouble, she holds a grudge against me and it contributes to the next incident. Finding out why that is one of my next missions.
> 
> Seriously, she would be doing me a favor by leaving. But this is one of the least likely outcomes here. And I'm not looking to leave myself so I'm taking the lead in trying to work things out, which is way out of my comfort zone. I really appreciate your giving me a reality check so that I have something I can try to balance things against.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> TYH,
> I get that this is hard. I really do. It seems to come down to a tradeoff. Intense short term pain in the interest of a "cure". Or moderate long term pain that gradually increases. "Letting her rage" until she stops is not a "healing" process for the marriage. Most likely it is the opposite.
> 
> Ask yourself a simple question. Did she act like this in the beginning? Because I am sure if she did you would not have married her. The "normal" trajectory is that the bully gets more aggressive and the pacifier gets more pacifistic.
> ...


Thanks Mem, I will keep all you are saying in mind the next time this happens. And I am a little tired. I think you are overly optimistic in thinking that anything as simple as talking about boundaries or walking away will have any effect whatsoever on reducing the bad behavior. We spoke last night and she reaffirmed that she wants me to take the lead in repairing, redirecting and moving our marriage forward in a stronger more durable fashion. I am uncomfortable with this but I proceed because I can see that it does work to my favor providing a good starting point for moving to get more of what I need. And that is working quite well so far. It appears that the feelings she experiences during her irrational episodes are not accessible to her after her return so I am surveying rational responses from others in search of something that could fit into the empty place. If there is anything more I should be doing other than what we have already discussed, I would greatly appreciate your sharing it with me


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think I understand I am an opinioated mental hyperactive and challenging women. I need a man who will not let me ride over him or I will probably keep going. I am not abusive though. You would think I should be able to control myself and I can in my professional life. In my relationship with my husband I am a bit insecure I won't go into why. Your wife seems to have a strong personally and needs you to rain her in. 

My husband has a natural ability to do that but it can also be learned as a loving gesture to her and to make your life happy. Very frequently women like to be dominated. What may happen, using myself as an example, they may become insecure anxious and that may lead to anger because they don't get what they need. 

I understand that this does not come naturally but, if you practice it will become second nature.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Ten,
If you use the digital record feature on your cell phone to record one of her tirades you will get a surprising outcome. Because when you play it back for her when she is "calm" she will be horrified. And when she is sitting there feeling embarrassed you can tell her that going forward you will help her learn not to behave this way simply by giving her a hand signal warning followed by you leaving the room/house and shutting down all communication until she gets under control AND apologizes. 

THIS is the leadership she WANTS from you. See my recent post below. Not only is my W much happier with ME when I am a stand up guy, she is happier with herself and how she behaves in that context. Win win. 


Deejo, 
This thread - and your comment has been incredibly illuminating to me. 

It caused me to ask myself a question. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Is my W a controlling beitch intent on emotionally castrating me and achieving total dominion over our house?
OR
Is my W an honest, fair, intelligent, hilariously funny, considerate, loving person who is ALSO rather aggressive in mostly a very positive manner with the exception of some moderate, but manageable boundary issues? (sorry for the run on sentence)

It sure seems like the answer has absolutely nothing to do with her and EVERYTHING to do with me. And so instead of asking what SHE is, perhaps better to ask what "I" am. 

Am I the strong man she married, who is still striving to reach his full potential and full of positive energy? Or am I the passive / aggressive, conflict avoidant man that I could all too easily turn into? 

At the level of fusion she and I have achieved - the answer to my question IS the answer to her question. 




Ten_year_hubby said:


> Thanks Mem, I will keep all you are saying in mind the next time this happens. And I am a little tired. I think you are overly optimistic in thinking that anything as simple as talking about boundaries or walking away will have any effect whatsoever on reducing the bad behavior. We spoke last night and she reaffirmed that she wants me to take the lead in repairing, redirecting and moving our marriage forward in a stronger more durable fashion. I am uncomfortable with this but I proceed because I can see that it does work to my favor providing a good starting point for moving to get more of what I need. And that is working quite well so far. It appears that the feelings she experiences during her irrational episodes are not accessible to her after her return so I am surveying rational responses from others in search of something that could fit into the empty place. If there is anything more I should be doing other than what we have already discussed, I would greatly appreciate your sharing it with me


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Ten,
> If you use the digital record feature on your cell phone to record one of her tirades you will get a surprising outcome. Because when you play it back for her when she is "calm" she will be horrified. And when she is sitting there feeling embarrassed you can tell her that going forward you will help her learn not to behave this way simply by giving her a hand signal warning followed by you leaving the room/house and shutting down all communication until she gets under control AND apologizes.
> 
> THIS is the leadership she WANTS from you. See my recent post below. Not only is my W much happier with ME when I am a stand up guy, she is happier with herself and how she behaves in that context. Win win.


Couldn't hurt to try it. If this or anything I do has a positive effect on the bad behavior I'm sure she will be happier with herself


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> I think I understand I am an opinioated mental hyperactive and challenging women. I need a man who will not let me ride over him or I will probably keep going. I am not abusive though. You would think I should be able to control myself and I can in my professional life. In my relationship with my husband I am a bit insecure I won't go into why. Your wife seems to have a strong personally and needs you to rain her in.
> 
> My husband has a natural ability to do that but it can also be learned as a loving gesture to her and to make your life happy. Very frequently women like to be dominated. What may happen, using myself as an example, they may become insecure anxious and that may lead to anger because they don't get what they need.
> 
> ...


Catherine... is that you?


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> I think I understand I am an opinioated mental hyperactive and challenging women. I need a man who will not let me ride over him or I will probably keep going. I am not abusive though. You would think I should be able to control myself and I can in my professional life. In my relationship with my husband I am a bit insecure I won't go into why. Your wife seems to have a strong personally and needs you to rain her in.
> 
> My husband has a natural ability to do that but it can also be learned as a loving gesture to her and to make your life happy. Very frequently women like to be dominated. What may happen, using myself as an example, they may become insecure anxious and that may lead to anger because they don't get what they need.
> 
> ...


Wow, I like this post because I agree. I need my fiance to do that too. I certainly don't want to lose respect for him. I want a ridiculous amount of love (can never have to much of that) but I don't want him to ever be a pushover. 

I think I become a little insecure too if I am not getting what I need. Him being dominate makes me feel safe and like he cares for me enough to do that. I like it when he is firm with me and firm in his decisions, as long as I feel heard and like hes not being selfish. When hes trying to do what best for us I feel very loved by him.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> ...
> Your wife seems to have a strong personally and needs you to rain her in.
> ...
> 
> ...


I like the idea, but I can't correlate it to any of the facts at hand. My wife has the personality strength of a bull, but it is not under control, not directed and fades in and out of our intimate marriage relationship. 

She would love for me to be dominating so we could fight in a destructive, abusive, take-no-prisoners, scorched earth fashion every other night. She sees herself as a hero in at fight to the death standing up to the (evil) dominating man. My current theory attributes this to fear of engulfment. We used to do this all the time during the "bad old days" but I quit because it was making me feel guilty afterward, all the yelling, cursing, door slamming, throwing stuff around and such. I still can't get her to talk about any of this and own up to her part in it and I think this non-communication is one of the things currently holding up progress/healing in our marriage.

Even today she is still unable or unwilling to explain the nature of her strong feelings described in my original post except to say that she was deeply hurt and I should be able to understand why, intuitively, I guess.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

*Rules of engagement*

Ten,
If you actually learn the "rules of engagement" you will have a MUCH better marriage. Here they are from most to least important:
1. YOU are not "fighting", fighting implies some type of violence either physical or emotional. SHE may be fighting, YOU are engaging in LOW INTENSITY conflict. 
2. ALL dominance begins and ends with YOU. You remain in control of your emotions or failing that you remove yourself from the field of conflict.  Your goal is not to dominate another person, but to take control of a bad situation (where she has lost her mind). Sometimes taking control means ending the conversation. Conversing with a bat$hit crazy person is pointless. 
3. IF you remain in full control of YOUR emotions despite ALL her attempts to bring you to full throttle fury then YOU will remain in control of the situation. 
4. If you lose control of your emotions you will quickly find yourself in a no holds barred emotional MMA fight. I have NEVER met a male who can consistently defeat a female in such a contest. 
5. If you can DOMINATE your emotions, you will be engaged in rational low intensity conflict with someone who is very upset. And in that type conflict you can prevail if your cause is just. 

As of now you have only utilized two responses to your W when she is aggressive: 
- Counter aggression with intense emotion. Total train wreck as she is emotionally stronger than you are - see above. 
- Conflict avoidance: And the result of that is she gets steadily MORE aggressive over time. 

The "modern alpha" has tremendous emotional control and behavioral restraint. This enables him to engage in low intensity conflict without getting worn out and beaten down. 

Strong as she is, you will find your W does not have the endurance to fight you open ended, if you refuse to get drawn into the emotional vortex. 





Ten_year_hubby said:


> I like the idea, but I can't correlate it to any of the facts at hand. My wife has the personality strength of a bull, but it is not under control, not directed and fades in and out of our intimate marriage relationship.
> 
> She would love for me to be dominating so we could fight in a destructive, abusive, take-no-prisoners, scorched earth fashion every other night. She sees herself as a hero in at fight to the death standing up to the (evil) dominating man. My current theory attributes this to fear of engulfment. We used to do this all the time during the "bad old days" but I quit because it was making me feel guilty afterward, all the yelling, cursing, door slamming, throwing stuff around and such. I still can't get her to talk about any of this and own up to her part in it and I think this non-communication is one of the things currently holding up progress/healing in our marriage.
> 
> Even today she is still unable or unwilling to explain the nature of her strong feelings described in my original post except to say that she was deeply hurt and I should be able to understand why, intuitively, I guess.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

MEM, you make so many good points in these threads, I think you would be an interesting guy to have a few beers with!

I have had my wife trying to suck me into nonsensical arguments for years, I just have that "alpha" trait of self control already working for me. When I do have the right buttons pushed and feel that anger start to boil I just remember one thing.

"NEVER ARGUE WITH A FOOL, PEOPLE WON'T BE ABLE TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE"

Works like a charm...


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> My mother passed away in Nov 2010 and I am entitled to certain small sums of money as a beneficiary. There is a $200.00 check on the way and on several occasions my wife expressed impatience waiting for "her money" and how important getting this check was for her to manage her monthly family spending. (I work full time and give her complete spending authority, the only thing I buy is gas for my car).
> 
> After hearing her say "her money" a couple of times and plan on folding it into her spending, I matter-of-factly pointed out that my inheritance was "my money" and I hadn't decided what to do with it yet. I was considering buying myself a guitar or fishing rod (I have neither) but I really haven't decided on anything.
> 
> ...


You are right that your inheritance is legally only yours - unless you co-mingle it with martial assets. So don't deposit it into a joint checking account. 

No one partner, either the wife or husband, should have complete spending authority, you need to become more involved in the family spending. 

I'm curious, does your wife work outside the home or is she a stay at home mom? Or her parents living or has she had an inheritance in the past? If so what did she do with it? What does she normally do with 'found' money from bonuses, gifts, yard sales, etc? If she routinely adds that money into the family budget then it might just seem to her that you would do the same. But if she keeps those things separately but expects you to give up your inheritance then you certainly have a problem.


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