# I miss my Lover



## puzzled275 (Mar 9, 2015)

I'll try to keep this brief, but explain the problem. My wife and I have been together for 20 years. For a good number of them, I have been a pretty large fella. Sex has been something that has been apart of our marriage but limited in "options" and frequency because of my general health. Over the past 18 months, our lives changed forever. Our daughter was diagnosed with Lung Cancer. And thankfully has beaten it through surgical intervention. I lost 170lbs and had two knee replacements. So life is good right? Of course it is! But somehow, somewhere, my wife has lost all interest in sex. As you can imagine my libido is better. My health, and ability Is better. She, it seems, has lost all interest in sex. I cant remember the last time she has shown any interest in sex. She never initiates it. She constantly compliments me on how good I look now. But that never translates to bedroom desire. I'm disappointed in the fact that I thought that my self improvement would have made me more desirable. it seems to have had the reverse affect. I really don't know where to turn. Any Suggestions? Thanks in advance...


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## Fighting For Happiness (Mar 9, 2015)

Have a talk and go from there and congratulations on the weight loss BRAVO!


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Well done for losing so much weight. Losing 170 lbs means that you've been really overweight and, as you admit, this has had an effect on your sex life "limited options and general health". Dealing with this will have had quite an effect on your wife so you'll now need to take this slowly as you both rediscover each other. Having read about it on another thread here, I am currently reading Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch. I'm finding the book absolutely fascinating, very enlightening and would recommend it to anybody. Why not try ordering a copy from Amazon and reading it - it's more about the emotional connection in sex than a handbook of how to do different techniques. I wish I'd read this years ago - if I had, I might have stayed with my previous partner rather than left him and ending up in the sexless marriage I'm now in.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

puzzled275 said:


> I'll try to keep this brief, but explain the problem. My wife and I have been together for 20 years. For a good number of them, I have been a pretty large fella. Sex has been something that has been apart of our marriage but limited in "options" and frequency because of my general health. Over the past 18 months, our lives changed forever. Our daughter was diagnosed with Lung Cancer. And thankfully has beaten it through surgical intervention. I lost 170lbs and had two knee replacements. So life is good right? Of course it is! But somehow, somewhere, my wife has lost all interest in sex. As you can imagine my libido is better. My health, and ability Is better. She, it seems, has lost all interest in sex. I cant remember the last time she has shown any interest in sex. She never initiates it. She constantly compliments me on how good I look now. But that never translates to bedroom desire. I'm disappointed in the fact that I thought that my self improvement would have made me more desirable. it seems to have had the reverse affect. I really don't know where to turn. Any Suggestions? Thanks in advance...


Any chance that she feels some resentment due to the fact that -- while your overall health has recently improved (and that's great!) -- in the past your health proved to be a significant barrier in terms of _*mutually* satisfying_ sexual intimacy?

IOW, did she spend years going w/o _satisfying_ sexual intimacy due to what I'm assuming were ailments brought about as a result of your past poor health?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Thought this was going to be another confession thread.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Dude your daughter has just beaten lung cancer. A horrible death scare for any parent to endure. Sex is the last thing on any parent's mind, especially a mother. Cut her some major slack.

Start wooing your wife with acts of love and affection that don't lead to sex. Hopefully she'll begin to become receptive and one day, she'll throw you in bed, and with a crazed look in her eyes, scream at you "Say my name b!tch!!".


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Don't really have enough information to go on yet.

Could it be a mater of self-esteem on her part? Perhaps she felt she had the "upper-hand" in terms of sex rank when you were big. Now, tables have turned and she feels that you're passing her by (even if not true.) If she felt this way, it could explain a need to pro-actively detach to prevent being hurt when the "new you" walks away.

Alternatively, how does your body look post weight loss? Are you gaunt and/or have folds of excess skin? How else has your appearance changed when the clothes are off? Maybe there's an answer there......


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are several things going on here. Your daughter's illness probably shook your wife to her core. I did you too obviously. But it effected each of you differently.

On top of that you lost a large amount of weight (congrats!). The odd thing about large weight losses is that they have a profound affect on the relationship. It changes things is so many ways, but it's hard to know what these are. 

My suggestion to you is that you start really romancing your wife. Reading *Passionate Marriage *, as another poster suggested is a good idea.

How much time a week do you and your wife spend together doing date-like things, just the two of you?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

puzzled275 said:


> ....Our daughter was diagnosed with Lung Cancer.
> 
> ....I lost 170lbs and had two knee replacements.
> 
> ...


You have made huge changes in you. Congratulations. First I am going to assume that your weight loss was not due to lap-band surgery. 

This may be about her, not about you. She has gone through a lot of stress with your daughters illness. She has seen the husband she thought she knew change dramatically go through surgeries and probably wondered what that means for her, but may be too afraid to change. She may literally now feel really uncomfortable around you. If you were that overweight, she is probably at least a little overweight and possibly ashamed of her lack of dieting control. Most couples in a marriage share the same food and my observation is that women have a hard time with portion control around a husband who eats a lot. (I know it is not universally true.)

You should not be co-dependent on her for your happiness. By that I mean, make sure you are not being needy around her. 

Have you talked to her, seriously talked to her and told her that you love her, but that with all the changes you have made in your life that you want to share that new life with her and you have learned from your daughter the importance of living life. Ask her why she is reluctant to have sex with the "new you?" And when you ask, be quite and listen very carefully. What she tells you might range from she doesn't know to things you never thought. Whatever she says, thank you and then you will have a start on an understanding and reaching a meeting of the minds.

Good luck


P.S. With that much weight loss, what is your thought on excess skin that seems to be a self-image issue for many?


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## puzzled275 (Mar 9, 2015)

Hey all! These are some very interesting and appreciated comments. It gives me a lot to talk about with her. I lover her so much. and just took for granted that my weight loss would be something that would be a positive physically and emotionally for both of us. I think Ill just start by shutting of the TV and saying "Hey..Lets talk"

Thanks guys so much!


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