# Am I asking too much?



## stayathomedad (Aug 12, 2010)

I have been with my wife for about 10 years now and married almost 6. We have 2 boys and they are my world I do everything with them. My wife has been verbally and emotionally abusive to me and the kids. I do know she loves us but she wanted to be a mother so bad and as soon as the reality of what is involved I started getting called home from work all the time and it ended up getting decided right away it was easier if I stayed home with the kids and she went to work. I was in the middle of going to college and working full time when this happened. I went at it completely and take great care of them but then I started getting called lazy for not working so I start looking or talking about getting a job and she starts getting insecure and talking me out of it. Now its been so long since I have had a regular job and seeing people outside of the house I don't have anything for references and nervous to apply at places that I know I am skilled. Its a double whammy every time I can't do both although I have done side jobs while taking care of the kids, I also do all the housework, everything with the kids, vehicle work, house remodeling, etc. I have been telling her for awhile that I am not happy and she always says oh your just a drama queen or all you say is you want a divorce thats all you talk about. Well a few days ago it hit the fan and I went to my parents getaway house for a break and she is truely worried now and claims she will change everything. I told her I want to see her get some therapy, and parrenting classes then we can get some marriage counseling. The reason for the therapy is she was sexually abused as a child and hasn't really told me about it, her mom isn't good for her but she gets along better with her because she is used to that evironment. Her mom was very abusive to her growing up and she has never confronted her about this and is actually staying with her right now. I told her I want to see her go back to our house but I am going to take a few more days to stay away. I met with her today to let her see the kids and I am not arguing with her and trying to discuss everything fairly and I am going to meet her tomorrow for a few minutes but I am nervous about getting back together right away. I don't think she will change her ways because its who she is. Am I going about any of this right?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

No, you are not asking for too much. There is a lot of advice here with different web pages to help you and your spouse find out what you are doing that is hurting each other and what you need to do to make the other feel loved. I think that this can be fixed, but you will also have to let go of the resentment you have built towards her. Is that something you can do, provided that changes are made??


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## stayathomedad (Aug 12, 2010)

Yeah I admitted to her that I have resentment still but I am also not the kind of person to complain unless there is reason. I have always put on a brave face and pretended to my family that everything was fine. This fight is the first time I have talked to my family about my feelings and was surprised how much they already knew and they didn't want to say anything to me because they didn't know if I would believe them. This has brought me closer to my family because they can relate to it in many ways. I told my wife yesterday that I do not want to tear her down that I am only suggesting these things because it could help. I also told her that I know I am not a perfect spouse either and think the marriage counseling could help me alot. The biggest problem is I have felt for years is anything I view as a problem is trivialized and not taken serious. I definitely think if changes are made any resentment will go out the window and I have been completely calm during all of this so it can go as smooth as possible no matter what the outcome. I do admit that I am skeptical of any changes though because I think its asking a person to change who they are.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

From what you are telling me, nothing in your marriage seems to be so bad that you can't eventually reconcile all your differences. It seems mostly to be communication breakdowns. When you got married, you asked each other to change. When you had kids you asked each other to change. Now that your marriage is suffering, I find it okay to ask each other to realize and change communication between the two of you. Yeah, if you were asking her to stop doing everything she loved, I would say you were being ridiculous. You are asking her to change WITH you WITH the help of a counselor for the sake of your family. I see nothing wrong with that at all. 

My H has changed for me since his affair. And I have to tell you, I don't miss the man he used to be AT ALL. Fortunately, neither does he. Change can be good.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Counseling will be essential - and a LOT of it.


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## stayathomedad (Aug 12, 2010)

Thanks for the help I met with her again today and she went back to our house and I think I am going to go there tomorrow morning and start working with her on some counseling. I hear alot of hessitation to go through this in her voice. If nothing else the kids have been pretty shielded from everything going on the last few days and are happy.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

The hesitation could mean anything. Sometimes when the SHTF people start to realize what they have done that wasn't fair or nice. She might be coming to some conclusions about herself. It happens. Good luck on starting on the road to counseling, and I hope that it all goes well!


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## stayathomedad (Aug 12, 2010)

I'm glad I got registered on here and asked about it. I appreciate the advice.


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## Tweakster2k (Aug 19, 2010)

Are you asking too much? Hell no. There's so many problems in your OP that I don't know where to start.

Counseling is really the key to mending this relationship and I honestly feel that there's a glimmer of hope there. I could be wrong but I think she has a lot she needs to deal with and there's a facade which keeps her from truly loving you like you're loving her.

On that same token, if one is not willing to open up during counseling or becomes really defensive towards it, it could be a waste of time and will only push the wedge between you two. I know this from personal experience.

There are still a couple of avenues you can cross before I'd say let it go, but that's just my opinion. Good luck.


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## stayathomedad (Aug 12, 2010)

We got back together a few weeks ago and setup marriage counseling with a church because money is tight and I knew he would try to preach some but I didn't think it would be that much. We need more than religion for our relationship to work and he implied that everything would work out on its own if we had god at the center of our relationship. We didn't do any other counseling after that and it has just seemed really fake on her part as far as changing anything. We were at a family reunion camping over the weekend and I was about to call it quits again and she started crying and begging me not to divorce her. She says she loves me but I can't really tell her I love her. It seems like were together out of convenience anymore. We get along from day to day but there is no real connection. My family hasn't asked me about it either and I don't want to bring it up so I end up just keeping it to myself.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

One, you need to start being honest with HER. When she begs you, ask her: "I need you to change ABC. Are you going to? When? How?"

You need specifics from her that you can hold her to - and if she falls short, separate. Make her work to get you back.

Two: DO start talking to your family. In an abusive situation, support is #1 essential for you. They will help you.


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## stayathomedad (Aug 12, 2010)

I feel I have been compleltey open and honest with her when we do talk about it. I tell her how I feel and she will just say she loves me. If I ask her what she is going to change she will just repeat the things I have recently said that she needs to change and doesn't appear to be self evaluating herself at all. This last fight she kept saying give me another chance and I will change and I told her that she told me the same thing a few weeks ago and nothing really changed she just kept saying I will change. She has asked me if I still love her and I told her its hard to say that anymore since were more like roommates than anything and that the kids are all that really kept us together. I feel as if I have to be the kids mother and a father because she isn't real motherly or nurturing and when it comes to discipline she can get carried away or sometimes lazy about punishing them. I told her all of this and have asked her to check into parenting classes but she just wants everything to stay the same. I could honestly see myself raising the kids myself and working but not really joint custody because I think she would be too stressful on the kids. I know she does love the kids but not as much as most mothers. I have seriously considered just sticking it out for the next 15 years untill our youngest would be all the way through school and then divorcing. Whats ironic about all this is I didn't want to have kids when we first met and she was on birth control and quit taking it without telling me untill our first kid was a year or two old and by then I was so attached to him anyway and felt trapped and didn't make a big deal about it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's why I said you have to give her specifics - actual accomplishments - that she has to meet for you to accept her. Otherwise, she will just continue to use you.

"I need you to attend 6 weeks of marriage counseling with me and I need you to do the homework they give you, to the counselor's satisfaction; if you can't do that, at the end of the six weeks, we will be separating."

Something concrete like that. People like her are master manipulators. You have to pin them down HARD on what they have to do.


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