# Any Advice please



## marypoppins (Aug 26, 2014)

I have posted on here before but here is a quick update.

Had suspicions my husband was cheating, found a woman's number on his phone bill. Confronted him he told me it was an old friend he had bumped into and they had spoke on the phone.
Phoned other woman and she said the same, she is also married and I asked did her husband know they had spoken, she said 'no'.

I told her I would come to her house to tell her husband she said I didn't know where she lived I said I do, cause my husband told me, she was angry at this (basically calling her bluff, this is how I knew he had been to her house).

Anyway things went on for about 3 weeks then he finally confessed, she was an ex who he had been engaged to about 19 years ago (we have been together 16), they split without no proper ending and he said he should have gone back, he also said most of the time they talked on the phone, they had met up for coffee and they had also slept together. He regrets ever meeting up, said it would not have been anyone else, just her as they were good friends and engaged.

Situation I am in now is, he has told me everything, given me access to all social media, leaves his phone with, answers any questions I ask, I believe he is being honest with all answers.
He said she got in touch with him through twitter, then they swopped numbers.

She told me stuff on the phone, saying he chased her, when I told him this he said don't know why she said that cause she got in touch with me. He phoned her to ask why she said this and she said she didn't that I was lying. She wanted him and said on several occasions, you would never leave your wife would you but if you did then we could have a future. Her marriage has ended as she didn't want her husband. I emailed her husband to tell him of the affair and have spoken to him on the phone, I apologised for being the one to tell him as I felt bad.

I love him, but don't know how I feel to carry on, we have 2 children age 11 and 15, I want to be with him but the thought of what he has done makes me physically sick.
He is back home now, but I feel he is in my face all the time, telling me he loves me, we can make this work, he will do anything I ask, I believe this, but I just want time I can't forget what he has done, he is now saying I don't want to forget, cause I have told him I love him so should try to move on. I told him it's like he has confessed, told me him loves me and now I should just carry on which is not going to be the case.

He doesn't seem to understand I am hurting, although he says he is hurting to cause I don't tell him how I feel, what does he expect.

It's just so hard to forget, I am torturing myself looking at pictures of her, why I don't know, When I look at him now I just see her standing with him. 

Don't know what to do anymore, feel like I can't do anything, finding it hard to even go to work. 

Any advice or similar experiences would be greatly appreciated.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

marypoppins, been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and drank the Kool-Aid.

Therefore, as a veteran of betrayals and subsequent lies, trickle truth... I say this...

Separate from him for a while. Maybe 30-60 days. Just enough time to get your mind right as to what you need to do for YOU. 

For YOU.

For YOU.

For YOU.

For YOU.

Sinking in yet?

You can still have some contact with him, but with how he is all over you and manipulating the situation you will never find enough peace and quiet to decide what needs to be done.

And he won't like it. Right now he manipulates you and his future. Take that power away from him and he will be lost. But it has to be done.

But let's also face it- trust and faith are dead forever. You will have to learn to cope and deal with that if you want the marriage to continue.

But if you, in your time and with your space provided, decide to continue the marriage then at least you will know it was wholly your decision and you can have confidence in it- rather than being bullied into it.

I also suggest during that time of separation have counseling together so he can fully understand where you are coming from and what his actions have meant. 

Do this for you and for the kids.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

marypoppins said:


> He doesn't seem to understand I am hurting, although he says he is hurting to cause I don't tell him how I feel, what does he expect.


He should be focussed on the how much he hurt you, that's what remorse look and feels like. Of course you've withdrawn. You put your emotional care in the hands of your spouse and he betrayed you. He brought this upon himself and should quit whining. 



> It's just so hard to forget, I am torturing myself looking at pictures of her, why I don't know, When I look at him now I just see her standing with him.


You can't forget. You have to work through this together. Rugsweeping will harm your chances of solid reconciliation, if that's what you choose. And please, stop looking at the pictures of the OW (Other Woman). My wife has a very healthy attitude to infidelity "I don't blame other women for wanting to sleep with my husband. I would only blame YOU". Focus your energy on your husband. 

So sorry you're here.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You need counseling, both of you individually. You also need good marriage counseling with someone who will separate the affair from any marital problems. That is, the affair is one big thing which needs to be worked on and is all his fault. Then there are also other problems in the marriage which need to be worked on if a good marriage is to emerge in the future. Those other problems should not be seen as the cause of his affair, but they are things which should be looked at and fixed.

I would start with the book "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. It is a quick read which explains both sides of what is going on, but it doesn't blame you at all. It will show him what is going on for you, and it will show you what is going on for him. Furthermore it shows you a roadmap to recovering a new marriage if you both want it.

My opinion is that without kids it would almost certainly be better for the betrayed to divorce the cheater in a case like yours. But the kids do bring in a major complication. My advice is for you to be very selfish and to only accept the marriage continuing as long as you are going to come out a winner. Don't stay and suffer just for the kids. Either the marriage becomes something you are happy with or you end the marriage. Give it a month to see if he seems to be truly committed to R, then give R 6 months to see if good progress is being made. After 12 months things should feel a lot better even though not great. If, however, he is not working hard or if you are unhappy after 6 months, it might be time to D.

D is not ideal for kids, but you should not martyr yourself. Right now is a better time to D than 4 years from now when their lives are even more complicated and you are older too. Recovering your own life is always easier the sooner you start. Make yourself a priority!


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## wamsgr (Jul 20, 2014)

Recovery takes a long time. I know from the experience of my wife's affair. He's going to have to deal with it. Don't let him push you for a quick recovery. Just No.

You can't believe anything he says at face value right now. Not until he shows some real effort to re-gain your trust.

Don't rush any decisions. You need some time to process this and decide what you want to do. Sounds like you need some time and space to get your emotions in check. I'm not a fan of separation but it might work for you. Your choices must be made by you, not due to his begging and demands. He's in no place to demand anything. Do the marriage 180. If you're not familiar, google it and do your best to stick to it. Consider some individual counseling if it's a therapist you trust. You have more power than you know. Start with yourself.

If you both want to repair the marriage and reconcile, it won't be easy. It will be on him to own his affair 100%. It will be on him to work hard to start re-gaining your trust.

Lay out your boundaries and expectations. Demand NO CONTACT and total transparency of all his accounts. Kids make it more difficult to put yourself first. But they need a healthy mom too. 

It's the hardest thing you will ever go through. But you will discover how strong you are. You are a warrior, and you're not going to take it anymore. Get in that mindset.

I wish you all the best.


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## DaisyNewYork (Sep 3, 2014)

Most important thing after knowing hes bein honest is if your both wantin things to be move on. Nobody here can tell for you its gotta be your timescale and feelins you go with. Stop lookin at that ow though that ain't gonna help you any. Concentrate on 2 of ya


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## marypoppins (Aug 26, 2014)

Thank you everyone


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

He cheated, he lied, then lied some more. He never ended the affair, you had to. Sounds like HE has a lot of work to do. If he doesn't come forward and take the reins right now, do you think he'll ever really get it?

"Move on" is just a cheap way to avoid admitting fault, and taking action to repair things. How can you forgive without atonement?


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## DaisyNewYork (Sep 3, 2014)

You belief him, what he say an wamt? An I say belief not trust, that a way away I guess


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I saw that Laurel posted on your other thread - she explained very well how yours is the normal experience. You should expect the roller coaster of emotions, and you should expect to not recognize yourself at times because you will be so overwhelmed - either numb or furious. This is post traumatic stress, as well as grief: you have both going on at the same time. You've been traumatized and you've lost several things - complete trust in your spouse, a marriage that is free of the wound of infidelity, etc. Healing from trauma and grief is never quick!

Please understand that to survive this without a skilled marriage counselor is nearly impossible. You may have to try one or two on for size before you find the right one. He or she should have experience in dealing with infidelity - and a good background in PTSD wouldn't hurt because your trauma may not technically meet the diagnostic criteria but we still have all the symptoms (even though nobody died, nearly died, or was threatened with bodily harm - that's the technically required kind of trauma we'd need to get the formal diagnosis).

Shirley Glass' book NOT Just Friends describes OUR trauma and grief really well. And Linda MacDonald's book How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair will help your husband to better understand what you're going through and to not say so many stupid things and to say more helpful things. The latter book is the BEST book of all the books I've read on infidelity - because it's short, more unfaithful spouses will actually read it, and from what I've seen on this website, many quickly "get it" after reading it (too many just don't understand the depth of our pain). I highlighted passages I especially wanted my husband to take note of, then had him read it.

Remember, this is crazy time - expect your emotions to be all over the place. If he's really sincere about R, he has to be ready to help you with these mood swings because HE'S the reason you're feeling this way, and he has to be ready to comfort you and apologize to you on a regular basis (MacDonald's book even teaches him how not to apologize, and how to do it right - but for R to get on track, he does need to be doing it often).

Take care, and best of luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

marypoppins said:


> he says he is hurting to cause I don't tell him how I feel, what does he expect.


This has to stop. He is not ALLOWED to say this to you. At this point, it doesn't MATTER if he is hurting. He caused this. If he's not willing to be repentant for as long as it takes you to deal with this, then he needs to go. Tell him so.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

turnera said:


> This has to stop. He is not ALLOWED to say this to you. At this point, it doesn't MATTER if he is hurting. He caused this. If he's not willing to be repentant for as long as it takes you to deal with this, then he needs to go. Tell him so.


Don't know I agree with this. I think it depends on how he broaches this issue. If he is using it as an excuse or justification and a way to make it about him again, then most definitely it shouldn't be allowed. Conversely, if he is trying to show her that he is hurting because he doesn't understand her and desperately wants her to open up to him and open the lines of communication and get her to display her emotions and relay her feelings (in effect trying to focus on her so he can do what she needs to help her heal) then I feel it is an acceptable statement.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

Forest said:


> He cheated, he lied, then lied some more. He never ended the affair, you had to. Sounds like HE has a lot of work to do. If he doesn't come forward and take the reins right now, do you think he'll ever really get it?
> 
> "*Move on" is just a cheap way to avoid admitting fault, and taking action to repair things. How can you forgive without atonement*?


well put!
When the BS offers or hints that they should just "move on"...it means they want you to give em a free pass, to tell them they dont have to atone or repent...they dont really want to move on

when they pull this crap call their bluff...tell em "ok, of you dont want to atone for what you did, hit the road fokker..."


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

missthelove2013 said:


> well put!
> When the *WS* offers or hints that they should just "move on"...it means they want you to give em a free pass, to tell them they dont have to atone or repent...they dont really want to move on
> 
> when they pull this crap call their bluff...tell em "ok, of you dont want to atone for what you did, hit the road fokker..."



Fixed it for you.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

DaisyNewYork said:


> You belief him, what he say an wamt? An I say belief not trust, that a way away I guess


This is exactly what I was going to say.


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## DaisyNewYork (Sep 3, 2014)

Is ws sayingmove on, I ain't seen that this thread,? Thought ws was showin more than that. Maybe I gotta be rereading


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## Laurel (Oct 14, 2013)

Wow, the OW sounds like quite a miserable piece of work. Yuck. And good for you for telling her H about the affair!!! That took a lot of guts and was the right thing to do. 

The fact your H is being transparent and answering all your questions is good. However, I'm concerned from your description that he is being a little impatient and expecting you to get over things too quickly. He definitely needs to learn to give you space. He can't be smothering you all the time. He also needs to understand there is no timetable for this sort of thing. And rug-sweeping is absolutely the worst thing you could do in this situation. The books that Hopefulgirl suggested are excellent - read them, highlight things that resonate with you and then give them to him to read. Hopefully, they will give him a better understanding of what you are dealing with. Because sadly, most WS simply do not understand the the true severity of damage and pain they have caused. 

As far as torturing yourself with looking at pictures of her - totally normal. I did the EXACT same thing. My H's OW has a public twitter account where she posts endless pictures and every vapid thought that passes through her pea brain all day long. In the early months, I would check it multiple times a day. I became obsessed with staring at her and her idiotic posts, wondering how on earth my H could have found this person remotely attractive. And then imagining her with my H.  It was horrible. But I just couldn't stop. It was the first thing I did in the morning and the last thing I did before I went to bed. And then, one day, I forgot to check. And as our reconciliation moved forward and our marriage got stronger, I realized I wasn't going to waste any of my precious time worrying about her or what she was doing. She had become the past. It's just something that gets better with time. 

Another thing I did was obsessively check his phone records again and again, matching up the times he was calling/texting/spending time with her with my calendar to see what we were doing that day. It was completely pointless and unnecessary but it became a compulsion in the early months. That, too, eventually ceased. 

And I completely understand how hard it is to go to work. I look back and don't know how I did it. I was a zombie - I would barely sleep and then go to work and do the bare minimum. I was so distracted and distraught I couldn't concentrate. Yet, I was somehow still able to pretend to my co-workers that everything was normal. 

Anyway, my point is that it will get better. In the early days, it seems like nothing will ever be normal again. That life as you know it is over for good. That you will never be happy again. But you WILL feel normal again one day, I promise. Whether it is with or without your H, you will overcome this.


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