# His EA is over and we are R'ing. But he says Im SO different-he misses the 'old me'.



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I dont really know how to respond to this. He is right, I am different. I am sad in my core. I am learning to get thru this. But I have lost my dream to an extent. My dream for the Fairy Tale. That he's the only one for me and I'm the only one for him. I know now just how wrong I was about that. I love him so much but I see him differently now. He is the man I want and love but he is also the man, the person, who has hurt me more than anyone else on earth. He absolutely understands WHY I am different but I fear I wont ever be the girl he once loved. I dont know if he will love the new me. I dont know if this IS the new me or the temorary me. He says "I miss your smile". I miss it too.

Am I making any sense?


----------



## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

You make sense but it seems as if you're almost taking the blame for the consequences of HIS actions.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

northland said:


> You make sense but it seems as if you're almost taking the blame for the consequences of HIS actions.


OH! No way. No way. This is 100% on him. We both know that. What HE did, he did for a long time. Its all on him. But, now Im talking about R and its hardships. This is one of them. Neither of the people is ever the same, I dont imagine. But he is better than before, more self aware. I am as explained above. Different, but not necessarily for the better. I worry Im not going to be able to be the girl he loved. I dont know if she still exist in alot of ways.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

It DOES make sense. I feel like that most days. I try not to let it affect me. Some days I succeed, others... not so much.Today, for instance, I had the thought of posting here :does anyone feel a difference between "I love you" vs "I love you, too"? When he was in his EA, I was the one saying "I love you" all the time. Of course, I said "I love you, too" all the time when I was in my EA. So now, when I go days, even a week, when I am saying "I love you" to him all the time, I feel sad. I know he's not involved with her anymore, but it makes my mind wander to whether he is truly happy. Ya know? And when I seem to initiate all the time, too.

I had a breakdown, of sorts, about a week ago. I was making dinner and I got so overwhelmed that I started crying, and hyperventilating. He had gone into the bathroom. I finished dinner, got everything plated, and went into the bedroom to calm down. I had another episode a few hours later, after he went to bed. I talked to my sister, who finally calmed me down.

I'm hoping this isn't a permanent thing. I couldn't bear to go thru this on a regular basis. I think that may have been my "rock bottom" of sorts. I still have melancholy days, but I try not to let it show, especially to the kids. I'm just not sure if it is a symptom of the EAs or finally stepping up and trying to help him deal with his depression and everything else. 

Anyway, I hope, for both you and me, that it is temporary. And yes, you made sense.


----------



## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

Yes, I understand.

His A changed me too. I don't think I will ever truly be the same even after I reach acceptance. He knows this and has even apologized for changing me and for changing us. It helps in some small way that he grieves for this too but it's hard to sympathize and not feel angry when he was the cause of all of it.

I would like to hope that the worst of it is temporary but it's hard to see into the future right now. But then again, I cried everyday for so long and thought that would never end but it did.

Time heals, they say, so I'm waiting for time to do it's work.


----------



## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> OH! No way. No way. This is 100% on him. We both know that. What HE did, he did for a long time. Its all on him. But, now Im talking about R and its hardships. This is one of them. Neither of the people is ever the same, I dont imagine. But he is better than before, more self aware. I am as explained above. Different, but not necessarily for the better. I worry Im not going to be able to be the girl he loved. I dont know if she still exist in alot of ways.


That is a hardship of R. The scars. We can work on smoothing them but they become part of who we are. Would he love you less if you had open heart surgery and survived? That scar would be the thing that gave him more time with you. It would be beautiful. This time, he came along and broke your heart and it left a scar. You are not less because of it.

You are the same girl he married. He is the same man. But you both have more experience now. Maybe you are longing for the age of innocence and how carefree those days truly were. 

But when we marry, we marry the potential of a person. They could become a bum or a star. A prince or a pauper.....

Maybe in R you will discover the fairytale can be real again. Maybe you will be one of the good stories! 

I think R is like a garden. There are bees that can hurt you, but you'll miss all the flowers if you don't go in.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> I worry Im not going to be able to be the girl he loved. I dont know if she still exist in alot of ways.


You aren't on trial, sweets. HE is. Don't forget that he cheated on "the girl he loved". Being that "girl he loved" didn't prevent his affair.

Is he the same man you fell in love with and loved? I'd guess not. You think he is better because he is now more self-aware and maybe more open with you? That's only one part of him. He is also the guy who had the affair and lied to you. That messed up part of him is still part of him.

If you can love him anyway, then he ought to be able to see his way clear to loving you now even more because you, too, are "better": your love for him and commitment to him has been _tested and proven_; you have shown that you are capable of forgiveness; you now see him for who he really is inside (a flawed human) and are able to accept him. Your commitment to him and to your marriage is not just the words of a younger girl who never had a reason to doubt him and who didn't know about the darkness within him. It's an eyes-wide-open, knowing kind of love, not a carefree blind trust love. It's the kind of love that you _choose _to give now, not just the kind of love you "fall" into. He damn well better love that about you and appreciate that about you or he is not worth reconciling with.

Having said that, after you do more healing, you will feel just fine about yourself. You will feel strong and more powerful. You won't be so wistful about losing some of the girl that you were. You, too, will be better - you will feel much more self-confident than you do now. Maybe more self-confident than you ever did. That takes time, but it will happen.


----------



## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

It does make sense. . . I ve changed. H said the other day that I m not the same and I know I m not - I can t completly give 100% , I know I m holding back a small piece of my heart out of fear of getting hurt again , maybe in time I ll relax but not yet. I ve also never truly hated a person like I hate the OW and H has apologised for putting hate in my heart.
On the other hand I know I m a lot stronger that I thought I was and I know that should R not work the world won t stop spinning and I won t die of a broken heart.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

norajane said:


> You aren't on trial, sweets. HE is. Don't forget that he cheated on "the girl he loved". Being that "girl he loved" didn't prevent his affair.
> 
> Is he the same man you fell in love with and loved? I'd guess not. You think he is better because he is now more self-aware and maybe more open with you? That's only one part of him. He is also the guy who had the affair and lied to you. That messed up part of him is still part of him.
> 
> ...


This is all very well said. And He is worth R ing with. He is working VERY hard, as he should be, I know.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Of course you've changed, and he was the main player in making that change. Maybe he needs gentle reminding of that...

Good luck with R. We all deserve happiness and faithfulness.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

The old you is gone
the current you won't last either, you're only a few months out from DDay and just a few weeks away from NC, it will take time for you to find yourself


the new you and different you will be someone both you and your husband will love


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I wonder too about myself and the changes I have seen..on one hand I feel normal like I was before yet I feel a constant paranoia/anxiousness/anger every day that fluctuates thru the day. 

I look at him and I still cannot believe that he did this....that he turned to someone else and not just that..but the fact that for 6 1/2 months lied to my face by telling me nothing was going on yet he was still very much in contact with her....today I am having one of those days I am thinking what am I doing staying with someone that could be so cruel to me. I get the whole "fog" thing but nonetheless his actions were cruel.

Like somebody said holding back..being on guard...how can I be the loving wife when I am waiting for the other shoe to drop..H says that it is like I am trying to find evidence against him all the time..but it is like I am not going to be played a fool again. HOw do you let yourself be loving when there is so much anger with in yourself?? That is what I want to know.


----------



## LittleMiss13 (Mar 7, 2012)

This thread is what I needed today. Reconciliation can be so hard on some days; I feel that it sucks the life out of me. Although my husband has worked hard to make our marriage work and does feel remorse, sometimes I look at him and wonder who he is and how he could do the things that he has done. I think it's really important for me to remember that I did not do this to us - he did. All betrayed spouses must remember to never take ownership of our spouse's betrayal and, of course, that our marriage nor ourselves will ever be the way it was before. I have posted these words before: A heart is like glass, dropped once, broken forever, and even if the pieces are finally put back together, it will never be the same. I know that my marriage can never be the way it was -- although time does lessen some of the pain.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> The old you is gone
> the current you won't last either, you're only a few months out from DDay and just a few weeks away from NC, it will take time for you to find yourself
> 
> 
> the new you and different you will be someone both you and your husband will love


I just worry because he cheated on me while I was 'on my game' so to speak. I was at my best. Now-Im not at my best. Nowhere close. So if my best wasnt good enough, how can this 'broken' me be good enough to keep him? I know this is the 'wrong' way of thinking but its like a broken record in my head. Understand?


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Understand?



more than you realize


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

highwood said:


> I wonder too about myself and the changes I have seen..on one hand I feel normal like I was before yet I feel a constant paranoia/anxiousness/anger every day that fluctuates thru the day.
> 
> I look at him and I still cannot believe that he did this....that he turned to someone else and not just that..but the fact that for 6 1/2 months lied to my face by telling me nothing was going on yet he was still very much in contact with her....today I am having one of those days I am thinking what am I doing staying with someone that could be so cruel to me. I get the whole "fog" thing but nonetheless his actions were cruel.
> 
> Like somebody said holding back..*being on guard...how can I be the loving wife when I am waiting for the other shoe to drop..H says that it is like I am trying to find evidence against him all the time..but it is like I am not going to be played a fool again. HOw do you let yourself be loving when there is so much anger with in yourself??* That is what I want to know.


This is how I feel. Exactly. Not an affair, but porn in my case, yet it has the exact same effect. I can't believe it! I feel cheated on, just as much as someone whose partner had an affair...and my husband too, says stuff like "I know you'll be checking (phone, internet, etc...)" as though I'm supposed to just stop doing that and trust him. And be made a fool of AGAIN. No way. 

To answer your question, Highwood, I'm loving to the husband when I want to be. And when I'm feeling anger, I let him have that, too. He has to own what he's done to me. I won't accept responsibility for that.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I totally get what both of you are saying about the anger changing you. I feel anger, no doubt. But more than anything I feel sadness. Incredible sadness and loss. Loss of the innocense of us. Loss of the specialness of us. Like Im very easily replaced. I know on an intellectual level that SHE wasnt my replacement, she was more of an imposter that he allowd to step into the sanctity of our marriage. She was no one special. Not even to him really. It was about how she made him feel like superman. It was all fantasy, he knows that. Nothing about her was real. I know more about her than he does. Most of it not so good and makes me even madder b/c THIS is what he chose to betray me for?? REally?? At least make her worth it, right? Not some average blonde that on a normal day he wouldnt look at twice. At least let me say "oh, wow-Yeah I can see the allure" Not "really,thats it huh?" 

And I am not perfect(by any stretch) but I am loyal and I love him to my very core. And that just wasnt enough. So THIS me- how can that possibly be enough?


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you're tying factors that aren't related to his cheating


your loyalty had nothing to do with why he cheated
your attractiveness had nothing to do with why he cheated
your attitude had nothing to do with why he cheated
the amount of attention you gave had nothing to do with why he cheated
IOW YOU HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH WHY HE CHEATED
it was all him


but that still leaves the question, what is stopping him from doing it all over again or doing it again in the future?


and that is the onus we carry as BS's, we can talk about the heavy lifting being on the WS all we want but the truth is that if we want to give the gift of R, we have to take that risk. But we minimize those risks by verifying and observing the WS's actions (and not just words)


----------



## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> I totally get what both of you are saying about the anger changing you. I feel anger, no doubt. But more than anything I feel sadness. Incredible sadness and loss. Loss of the innocense of us. Loss of the specialness of us. Like Im very easily replaced. I know on an intellectual level that SHE wasnt my replacement, she was more of an imposter that he allowd to step into the sanctity of our marriage. She was no one special. Not even to him really. It was about how she made him feel like superman. It was all fantasy, he knows that. Nothing about her was real. I know more about her than he does. Most of it not so good and makes me even madder b/c THIS is what he chose to betray me for?? REally?? At least make her worth it, right? Not some average blonde that on a normal day he wouldnt look at twice. At least let me say "oh, wow-Yeah I can see the allure" Not "really,thats it huh?"
> 
> And I am not perfect(by any stretch) but I am loyal and I love him to my very core. And that just wasnt enough. So THIS me- how can that possibly be enough?



I too am trying really hard to R with my wife.

That being said, given how badly she's hurt me and our kids,
I'm starting to come to the realization that even on my worst day, I'm still
better than her on her best day. I would *never* make so many bad choices.... not like she did. 

She has to worry about keeping ME... no longer will it be the other way around.

Trust but verify, forevermore.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> you're tying factors that aren't related to his cheating
> 
> 
> your loyalty had nothing to do with why he cheated
> ...


Right. And I also think that it is the natural thing that women do. We take the blame. We start finding and magnifying our own faults. Its something women do in every aspect of their lives. For example, if our children go wrong even a little, a mother will say what did I do? what didnt I teach them? How did I go wrong in raising him/her? Like I said intellectually we know its not reality but emotionally be tend to bare blame alot. 

I KNOW I couldnt have prevented his cheating. I know that for sure. I tried. I guess this is a BS' heavy lifting, huh? Like you said, the WS' are charged with it but make no mistake, the BS carries their own load. A very different load. 

Part of my confusion comes from the fact that he is 'suddenly' head over heals for me. Yet, its not a better version of me. So Im conflicted. How can it be that suddenly, this bruised and battered version of CTU is more loveable than the original??? Yet he misses the 'old me'? Am I making ANY sense??


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Just because 'it's all him' doesn't help me (or anyone else, I daresay) when I'm triggering big time, or mad as hell over what's happened in our relationship. I didn't ask for any of this. Ya ya...these are 'my' issues now. Pity my issues are a result of his headuphisassedness.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

That is what I struggle with..how could my husband who had morals/integrity have an EA with someone who thought nothing of the fact that he was married and was giving him advice about make sure you delete this, make sure you delete that so she (meaning me) doesn't see it. This is what appealed to him...

I have said to him on many occassions that maybe they deserve each other, that they thought nothing of the cruelty that they were inflicting on me...they didn't care. All that mattered was boosting each other's ego and planning a life together...although H says that this was all her doing the planning. Yes, H and you didn't contribute to that by telling her you loved her.

I honestly do not know what will happen in my marriage...on one hand the thought of being single and starting over with someone else is appealing because I hate dealing with this lack of trust that I have for him.

Right now he is working out of town...about 1 -1/2 hours away so he is staying in a camp right now...and my paranoia is running wild. Yet at the same time with him being out of the house it is nice because I find that I am back to exercising in the evenings because when he was at home it was like I was too scared to go out in the evening for an hour or so because the what if''s...what if he contacts her so I should stay home to prevent that, where as he is away from home so I do not have that control anyway...what kind of warped thinking is that? It is like when he is gone I feel more in control of my life.

I wish that somebody would tell me what to do..and that it would be the right decision.

I have told him that if he is continuing contact with her behind my back he is essentially playng Russian Roulette because there will be no third chance and he will **** himself up..both financially and personally.

I was a little annoyed with him yesterday because he phoned me at 6:30 (he is on the night shift starting at 7:30)....so he phoned me while he was waiting for the shuttle bus to take him and the other guys to the site for work...and I got pissed off because I said to him it is like you phone me when you can't talk for long. Yet when you were onlining your OW, some of those conversations online went on for an hour or so...so you made a point to ensure that you had the time to video chat with her....and of course he got annoyed and said why did I phone if you are just going to ***** at me.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Right. And I also think that it is the natural thing that women do. We take the blame. We start finding and magnifying our own faults.


no offense but this isn't gender specific at all, I think many BS's get this way, I certainly did

pretty much every BS who comes here asks what did they do to make their spouse cheat


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

DXG said:


> my SIL went thru this same thing and she was never the same. and that was many years ago. Before, she worshiped the ground he walked on. ( I could not see why he was a very selfish person, did not have a lot going for him).
> 
> I could see she never felt the same about him, I think her eyes were opened, she seems sad behind those eyes, even when she is smiling.
> 
> I hope he is really worth it? how hard is he trying?


Well. He has lost nearly everything. Lost it. Given it up. His job. His security. His ego. His pride with his kids. He quit his job so as not to be near her. He is in IC. He has given all passwords w/o my asking. He closed his fb and linkedin. He is being painfully honest. He is open and has answered EVERY question, regardless of pain or embarrassment. He has taken his licking so to speak, and continues to push forward. He asks for forgiveness everyday and thanks me for giving him another chance often. He has said "YOu did nothing wrong, I was a selfish, arrogant ass"


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Part of my confusion comes from the fact that he is 'suddenly' head over heals for me. Yet, its not a better version of me. So Im conflicted. How can it be that suddenly, this bruised and battered version of CTU is more loveable than the original??? Yet he misses the 'old me'? Am I making ANY sense??


the suddeness of his renewed love for you is due to the fact that he is very scared of losing you and knowing it was all his fault and when he says he misses the old you I think he means he wishes he never did this to you in the first place and that you weren't so sad now 

(which by the way is actually a good sign of remorse)


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

I miss the old me everyday.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Well. He has lost nearly everything. Lost it. Given it up. His job. His security. His ego. His pride with his kids. He quit his job so as not to be near her. He is in IC. He has given all passwords w/o my asking. He closed his fb and linkedin. He is being painfully honest. He is open and has answered EVERY question, regardless of pain or embarrassment. He has taken his licking so to speak, and continues to push forward. He asks for forgiveness everyday and thanks me for giving him another chance often. He has said "YOu did nothing wrong, I was a selfish, arrogant ass"


like me, you really have of the more remorseful WS's compared to many who come here. He seems to have really "gotten it"

I hope this means your R will be smoother than most


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> but that still leaves the question, what is stopping him from doing it all over again or doing it again in the future?
> 
> 
> and that is the onus we carry as BS's, we can talk about the heavy lifting being on the WS all we want but the truth is that if we want to give the gift of R, we have to take that risk.


The unsettling reality is that this risk is there with anyone and everyone. There are people who never cheat...until they do. The statistics, as unreliable or nebulous as they are, bear this out. So you can never be 100% certain of anyone, not really.

What you do have now is awareness and understanding. Of yourself. You know what you are capable of handling, and what you will and will not accept. In time (lots of time!), your fears will turn into confidence that you do not NEED the man in your life. You WANT a relationship with the man in your life and you will stay with him only for as long as the relationship adds enrichment and reward to your life. The healing process is long and difficult, but if you consistently see actions that show you he is worth going through the healing process, you will come out stronger on the other side. 

Your strength comes from the knowledge that you are choosing to love him, flaws and all. And you know that you make that choice each day you make it. You know it's a choice. A choice you can unmake. Before the affair, love seems less of a choice and more of "I can't help it; I luuuuv him". After the affair and healing, it's more "I love him, but am strong enough and self-aware enough to know I am choosing to love him and can choose otherwise." 

It might sound a little cold, I know, but you end up having the upper hand. Him choosing to cheat is out of your control, but YOU are not out of your control and know you can have a wonderful life with or without him. Frankly, he's off the pedestal you put him on, so your perception of how and how much you need and want him changes. Your relationship becomes more about you, and less about him. The balance in your life shifts to something more evenly balanced where you, too, get what you need from him and from yourself. You choose him (or not) instead of worrying whether he chooses you.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Part of my confusion comes from the fact that he is 'suddenly' head over heals for me. Yet, its not a better version of me. So Im conflicted. How can it be that suddenly, this bruised and battered version of CTU is more loveable than the original??? Yet he misses the 'old me'? Am I making ANY sense??


Yes, of course he misses your unshadowed smiles and happy eyes. Why wouldn't he? He was confident in your love. Perhaps that made him complacent. It certainly made him feel good about himself. He misses that. He wants to feel good about himself again. He wants to see admiration in your eyes again. He wants to feel loved again. 

Now, he is worried he will lose you. For some people, it takes almost losing something to realize how important it is to them. He realizes he screwed up big time and is desperate to try and fix it with you.


----------



## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Part of my confusion comes from the fact that he is 'suddenly' head over heals for me. Yet, its not a better version of me. So Im conflicted.


I'm dealing with the same EXACT situation.

It's only been just over a month since DDay, and suddenly my wife
is begging me for time, wants to snuggle and talk, tries to put the moves on me,
wants deep passionate kisses and pretty much thinks I'm going to cheat on her if I leave to go out
with my friends who have been trying to get me out of the house, etc.

In my head, I ask those same questions…
Why am I suddenly good enough for her now? What has really changed?

Is she doing this to attempt to cover up what she did? Is this out of guilt?
Does this mean she realizes her mistakes and how bad she's hurt me?
Or is she treating me like a side of beef, like she did with the OM?

Do I accept the attempts of her affection? Is it true this time? How do I know?

Unfortunately, I don't have many answers to the questions I've mentioned above.
I am trying though, as is my wife. Hopefully we can get there together… if not, 
then I will firmly walk alone, knowing that I tried my best for the person I loved most.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Part of my confusion comes from the fact that he is 'suddenly' head over heals for me. Yet, its not a better version of me. So Im conflicted.





> In my head, I ask those same questions…
> Why am I suddenly good enough for her now? What has really changed?


These are signs that your dear cheaters realize that YOU were not the reason they cheated. THEY are the reason they cheated; the issues lie within them and they know it. (This is good!!!).

It doesn't matter what version of you they saw then or see now or anything; cheating isn't about you. What matters is what version of THEM they were then and are now.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

norajane said:


> These are signs that your dear cheaters realize that YOU were not the reason they cheated. THEY are the reason they cheated; the issues lie within them and they know it. (This is good!!!).
> 
> It doesn't matter what version of you they saw then or see now or anything; cheating isn't about you. What matters is what version of THEM they were then and are now.


Oh HE readily admits it. Like I said when I ask him what I did his answer is "You did nothing wrong. I was a selfish, arrogant ass" and will also say "I live the world according to me. You could have walked on water CTU. It was about my ego. My thinking I was the most important person in the universe" To me, this speaks volumes. He gets it! He says he lacked boundaries and he is fully aware of that now. He has read alot of books and as I said he is in IC to be sure he gets to the bottom of this. Honestly, HE couldnt do more. He is bending over backward. In the R, I am lucky compared to some I see on here. I am thankful for that. It just really hit me when he said I have changed so much. I knew it but didnt know it was so visable to him. He is painfully aware now just how easily EA's start and how much damage they have done to our M.

Just to add- this A is only the second thing that I have seen make him cry in more than 16yrs. When I cry, he cries and apologizes profusely . He says everytime "this will NEVER happen again, that I swear to you."


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

This experience has opened my eyes...I can fully understand now why some people choose to stay and work on it but....at the same time I can see why some people choose to leave and move on.


----------



## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

Yes you are making sense. Something changes in you after an affair. I have been there, but you only have two options. Choose to love this man and work it out and try to heal the best you can through reassurance over the coming years and building the trust again (and yes it doesn't take anything short of time and patience) or leave and end this chapter with your husband. He needs to understand the time piece as well because I know men naturally want things over and good again but it doesnt work like that. He needs to realize the trust he once had needs to be earned again unfortunately...But you need to make sure your not unintentionally punishing him constantly for the same indescretion... Does that make sense?


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

sculley said:


> Yes you are making sense. Something changes in you after an affair. I have been there, but you only have two options. Choose to love this man and work it out and try to heal the best you can through reassurance over the coming years and building the trust again (and yes it doesn't take anything short of time and patience) or leave and end this chapter with your husband. He needs to understand the time piece as well because I know men naturally want things over and good again but it doesnt work like that. He needs to realize the trust he once had needs to be earned again unfortunately...But you need to make sure your not unintentionally punishing him constantly for the same indescretion... Does that make sense?


It does make sense. And I have chosen to love him but that does not come without its complications. He does realize he has alot of work to do in regard to earning trust. He is working at it every day and I think I have said over and over how hard he is working and that I feel lucky that he is working so hard. With that said- his work is not a magic and instant fix. I dont feel like Im punishing him constantly but unfortunately(only 4.5 months past dday and 1 month past NC)I havent been able to just wipe it out of my head yet. I havent been able to wake up and see rainbows and unicorns just yet. And that same indescretion lasted for almost a year so its complicated and alot for me to work thru. Im working very hard to do that. Spending all of my time with him. Working toward forgiveness but as I said its only been 4 mos or so. So are you saying because Im not over it that I should decide now to "end this chapter with my H?"


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> So are you saying because Im not over it that I should decide now to "end this chapter with my H?"


You should in no way expect to "be over it" at this point. You are in the early stages of reconciliation. I hate to tell you this, but this healing and rebuilding process will take a very long time, maybe years. That doesn't mean it will feel THIS bad at this intensity for years, but you shouldn't be surprised if triggers still show up now and then a couple of years or more down the line. 

At some point, the good will outweigh the bad and you will know you are well on the road to recovery. It will still take time after that.

Some people realize after a while that they can't get over it, or don't want to keep trying to so hard to get over it. That's when you end it. You'll know if you reach that point. You're still near the base of the uphill climb part, just starting out.


----------



## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> It does make sense. And I have chosen to love him but that does not come without its complications. He does realize he has alot of work to do in regard to earning trust. He is working at it every day and I think I have said over and over how hard he is working and that I feel lucky that he is working so hard. With that said- his work is not a magic and instant fix. I dont feel like Im punishing him constantly but unfortunately(only 4.5 months past dday and 1 month past NC)I havent been able to just wipe it out of my head yet. I havent been able to wake up and see rainbows and unicorns just yet. And that same indescretion lasted for almost a year so its complicated and alot for me to work thru. Im working very hard to do that. Spending all of my time with him. Working toward forgiveness but as I said its only been 4 mos or so. So are you saying because Im not over it that I should decide now to "end this chapter with my H?"


I am not saying that at all! I am saying you should realize (obvious you made the decision already to stay and stick it out) that it's not gonna happen in 4 months..... Heck mine still hasn't healed and its been 6 months. Everyone is different. He's trying and your noticing that so that's a good thing. Just don't be cold with him especially since he is trying because if you are you could drive him away.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Just don't be cold with him especially since he is trying because if you are you could drive him away.


This is a tough one. I don't recommend pretending that you are ok if you aren't. It's important to be honest about your feelings at any given time, so if you are feeling upset or troubled or angry or whatever, don't hide it. 

He's done plenty of lying and hiding and pretending, so hiding your feelings and pretending you are fine when you aren't is just more lies on top of the lies already between you. Dishonesty breeds distance. 

Also, you shouldn't have to pretend that you are ok if you aren't! Certainly not for fear of driving him away! Pretending you are fine will only breed resentment on your part.

At the same time, you don't want to fall into a permanent habit of being cold. Not because of concern that you will drive him away, but because it's not healthy for you to dwell and wallow in the pain and negative feelings. Be conscious of what you are feeling and be open with him about it, but don't let it take over.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> I dont really know how to respond to this. He is right, I am different. I am sad in my core. I am learning to get thru this. But I have lost my dream to an extent. My dream for the Fairy Tale. That he's the only one for me and I'm the only one for him. I know now just how wrong I was about that. I love him so much but I see him differently now. He is the man I want and love but he is also the man, the person, who has hurt me more than anyone else on earth. He absolutely understands WHY I am different but I fear I wont ever be the girl he once loved. I dont know if he will love the new me. I dont know if this IS the new me or the temorary me. He says "I miss your smile". I miss it too.
> 
> Am I making any sense?


Yes. You are different. Your husband's selfishness forever changed you and your marriage. 

Your husband needs to accept that and take the blame for it. 

Why are you blaming yourself.?

If he can't take the blame and accept the marriage and you will forever be changed, than move on.

You will not be losing much.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

norajane said:


> This is a tough one. I don't recommend pretending that you are ok if you aren't. It's important to be honest about your feelings at any given time, so if you are feeling upset or troubled or angry or whatever, don't hide it.
> 
> He's done plenty of lying and hiding and pretending, so hiding your feelings and pretending you are fine when you aren't is just more lies on top of the lies already between you. Dishonesty breeds distance.
> 
> ...


Big old yes to this



I made an agreement with the wife- that if trust is ever to be regained that we would need to be completely honest with each other even if we believed it would hurt the other to say it.


that said, there are ways to present your feelings without berating, nagging or being abusive


----------



## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

norajane said:


> This is a tough one. I don't recommend pretending that you are ok if you aren't. It's important to be honest about your feelings at any given time, so if you are feeling upset or troubled or angry or whatever, don't hide it.
> 
> He's done plenty of lying and hiding and pretending, so hiding your feelings and pretending you are fine when you aren't is just more lies on top of the lies already between you. Dishonesty breeds distance.
> 
> ...


That's exactly what I meant  well said.. thank you


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Yes. You are different. Your husband's selfishness forever changed you and your marriage.
> 
> Your husband needs to accept that and take the blame for it.
> 
> ...


wow. Im not 'blaming' myself. Im questioning myself. They are different. He does ACCEPT 'blame' . He wasnt saying that the change was without cause or that HE wasnt the cause. He was expressing sadness for the loss. Did you read this thread or just put your .02 in at the end???


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

@ AR

we have the same agreement. He has abided by it with an exception or two I think. But when pushed he did give the answer and it wasnt a revalation it was just painful to me to hear and he knew it would be. 

He has also wrote in his own handwriting, a Magna Carte of Fidelity for the future. His rules for engaging with other women, especially at work. He wrote them and signed and dated it. He Gave it to me in a frame. I did make the suggestion of writing the rules he was willing to live by but HE was far more in depth and all encompassing than I would have thought to be. Clearly he wrote it based on his EA and how it evolved. It was very revealing and he gave it freely. It was just another step to proving that he was 'all in' when it comes to preventing a repeat in the future. 

@Sara8
I didnt start this thread to bash him. I started it to ask about ME.He is one of the most remorseful WS' I've seen on here. He told his mom and his sister what he did. He told our older kids(19 &23). He told his IC. He gave up a GOOD job to end contact. HE IS WORTH IT. AND LOSING HIM WOULD BE EXCRUTIATING B/C he is a good man that made a HORRIBLE choice. He's doing EVERYTHING I ask and more. Now yes, he should do these things BUT read thru CWI and see how many WS' ACTUALLY do what they SHOULD be doing or even half of it.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I don't hardly remember the old me and most days I don't care. I just want peace in my life and harmony. Unicorns and lolipops.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> I don't hardly remember the old me and most days I don't care. I just want peace in my life and harmony. Unicorns and lolipops.


I know Thor. Hang in there bud. If I can help, you can Pm me or whatever you need. ((((CTU hug))))


----------



## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

Reassuring that so many of us feel the same fear and have the same doubts; remember then that we are not so mad after all and keep trying to make it through.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

messeduplady said:


> Reassuring that so many of us feel the same fear and have the same doubts; remember then that we are not so mad after all and keep trying to make it through.


yeah, I think deep down we all have the same emotions about this. It just manifests in different ways. 

Thanks for the encouragement. You too.


----------



## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

I understand too. I think in away MH has changed too some for the good and some for the bad at times. He is not the sweet guy that I used to remember or I don't want to remember becasue that once sweet guy hurt me oh so much.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

lovemylife26 said:


> I understand too. I think in away MH has changed too some for the good and some for the bad at times. He is not the sweet guy that I used to remember or I don't want to remember becasue that once sweet guy hurt me oh so much.


I understand that too. I do view him differently now. Like maybe he wont always have my back like I used to believe but then he is showing that he will and that he just f'ed up. He knows it. Most of the changes I see in him are for the better. He is stronger and more determined about seemingly everything.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> I just worry a because he cheated on me while I was 'on my game' so to speak. I was at my best. Now-Im not at my best. Nowhere close. So if my best wasnt good enough, how can this 'broken' me be good enough to keep him? I know this is the 'wrong' way of thinking but its like a broken record in my head. Understand?


Yes. My STBEH cheated while I was at my best, too, That is why I was so blindsided.

I was happier than I have ever been. Thought the marriage was good for 20 years in, was self confident and learning new things.

I wonder if my happiness and security threatened him and he had to slap me down by having an affair?


----------



## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

He is my one and only but now I am not his one and only. He has tasted other fruit and now I wonder what he thinks when he is with me. He has taken my future dream and crushed it. The cookies at the end of the rainbow will never be mine. The only life I ever wanted has been stolen by the one person I trusted the most. Loved the most depended on the most. I can no longer give those things to him I stand alone even when we are together. He will not take anymore of me to hell with him.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

cantthinkstraight said:


> I'm dealing with the same EXACT situation.
> 
> It's only been just over a month since DDay, and suddenly my wife
> is begging me for time, wants to snuggle and talk, tries to put the moves on me,
> ...


Me too, I ask the same questions. I have filed for Divorce and my husband doesn't want it. Wants to date me and treat me special like he treated the OW.

I keep thinking what has changed. 

Someone else here mentioned that cake eaters always want what they can't have. 

So I am thinking the only thing that has changed now is that I am a mystery and a challenge now like the OW. 

The challenge is sexually stimulating to him, IMO. 

The thought that he will soon get bored again once I go back and take away the challenge is what upsets me.


----------



## LittleMiss13 (Mar 7, 2012)

My heart goes out to everyone who has posted on this thread as we are all on the same roller coaster ride. Every day there seems to be ups and downs. 

Growing up, I was always told by my mother that "things happen for a reason" but for the life of me I can't figure out what the reason is. I guess I am still waiting for the answer. 

I hope that one day we all find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It's got to be there somewhere although it's going to take quite a bit of time to reach.

If you get the chance, listen to the following song: Little Miss by Sugarland. I play it quite often and it seems to help - maybe it will help you also. And yes, this is where I got my name from. Big hugs to everyone!!


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> wow. Im not 'blaming' myself. Im questioning myself. They are different. He does ACCEPT 'blame' . He wasnt saying that the change was without cause or that HE wasnt the cause. He was expressing sadness for the loss. Did you read this thread or just put your .02 in at the end???


No. I did not read the entire thread. Is that a prerequisite to responding to a post.

You seem awfully defensive.

I am on your side. Defensiveness on your part indicates that even you doubt some of the things you say with respect to your spouse.

IMO, doubt is normal.

My post was meant to be supportive of you and the doubts your posts reflect.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> No. I did not read the entire thread. Is that a prerequisite to responding to a post.
> 
> You seem awfully defensive.
> 
> ...


I am defensive b/c youre answer to EVERYTHING is basically "get rid of him". You say alot of other things but in the end THAT is always your statement. I understand you are D'ing. Im sorry for that for you. But when I say these are MY issues and he is doing all that I ask and more(call me defensive, its ok) and your answer is "get rid of him, you wont be losing much" what would the 'appropriate ' response be to that?

And as far as reading the WHOLE thread- IF you had you would have seen that he does accept the blame and that this thread was about me and MY doubts. Yes doubts. If I didnt have doubts, I'd be a fool. But I dont doubt the things I say. I doubt our ability to withstand what we've been thru and continue to go thru, at times. I dont doubt the things I say are proof of remorse. 

What doubt can there be here?

1. He quit a job that he's had for 11 years and was moving up to get NC. Major ego blow. Major career setback. Yes both his fault and he accepts that. But he went NC for ME.

2. He told his mom and sister all of his dirty laundry. ALL of it. He lost face with his family so he could be held to a higher standard.

3. He is in IC going thru issues he's had for a lifetime. He is there b/c I asked him to go. Period.

4. He has cut ALL contact with anyone that even knows OW. Again, for me.

5. He told our older kids what he has done. He lost their respect. He could have asked to keep it between us. HE DID NOT. He told them. He accepted responsiblity for the A 100%.

6. He has given all passwords to all email and closed his fb and linkedin so she has no backdoor access. He changed his phone number.

7. He has done EVERYTHING I have asked-without hesitation or complaint and more.

Still, yes there is doubt. But not doubt about his remorse. NONE. As I said before my doubt lies in my ability to endure some days.
And there is always the possiblity of a repeat performance which will result in an instant D. He is fully aware of this fact. There will be NO more chances. I've told him "if there's a next time, make her worth it b/c she just caused your divorce". This is a one shot deal. I can and will leave him IF- he breaks NC or he ever does ANTYTHING even close to this again.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Just to wade in here a little...I get what both Sara and Cantrustu are saying...but am curious CTU..do you ever doubt him though in terms of future behaviour? If that makes sense...
like for me I find myself looking at H and thinking hmmmmm is this going to be his coping mechanism for the future.

So if say in 5 years or 10 years down the road if our marriage is going thru a low ebb (which will happen at some point, all marriages go thru highs and lows), will he be inclined to seek out some ego boosting chick in order to feel better about himself. I wonder if he has my back..so to speak. Because now when we argue I find myself wondering is he thinking about how nice and light his interactions were with OW where as with me there is tension, bickering at times....because we have baggage we have been together for 24 years..him and OW no baggage.....I can't compete with light, flirtatious and no baggage.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

So maybe even though your H is showing remorse and making changes which is great...maybe it is the future that you are worried about. Maybe wondering if he will not fall back into this at some point...I don't know maybe I am reading your post all wrong..and am messing up!


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

highwood said:


> So maybe even though your H is showing remorse and making changes which is great...maybe it is the future that you are worried about. Maybe wondering if he will not fall back into this at some point...I don't know maybe I am reading your post all wrong..and am messing up!


Hw, absolutely I worry about that. I suspect I will ALWAYS worry about that. I will never blindly trust him. NeVER. Thats part of the lost innocence that I miss so much. I know he has this in him. So, yep-he is remorseful to the bone BUT I'd be a fool to think "well thats all fixed. Dont have to worry about that ever again. He knows the damage and would avoid that like the plague". All of which MAY be true. Its an intangible. One of many. There is NO guarantee that I wont go thru all of this misery and the next blonde that throws a wink his way wont get the same response as the last one. No guarantee at all. That is its own hell. Seeing just how easily I was traded for some dingbat who stroked his ego. And yes It P*SSES me off that he couldnt see what she was doing. BUT what I am trying to focus on is hoping that WHEN it happens again-he WILL react differently. More the way he did earlier in our marriage. He got lazy and complacent. He turned 40 and started to question his virility I think. Wondered if he still 'had it'. Needed his ego fix. And she did it gladly. If it hadnt been her, it would have been someone else. That actually helps me feel better because it means SHE was nothing special. She just filled a need within him. He is more aware that those needs exist than he was before. Like on a conscious level. He acknowledges it whereas before he didnt really realize it intellectually. He didnt realize he NEEDED affirmation, just that he wanted it. Everyone needs it but where you get it is what causes problems and HE is more conscious of this now. He is very aware of how this gets started and that some women are diabolical. They set out with a plan. She certainly had one. As did he, no doubt. But I think he realizes that it didnt 'just happen'. She set out for it and pushed all the right buttons and he allowed it. I blame him for that. SHe is her H's problem. 

So I absolutely worry-everyday-that this could happen again. I dont live in a fantasy world anymore(like before the EA). I know it can happen. If it does- he gets his wish. He can be the man of the hour for whomever he wishes but it wont be ME. I have been very clear on that. NOT ONE MORE MISSTEP on this front-EVER. 

With all of that said- I see core changes in him. For example, he stands up to his mother now. He NEVER did that in his life. He is back to doing some things he enjoys that he had stopped doing for a long time. He is more engaged with the kids than he has been in years. The way he talks is - just different. He is so much stronger seeming than he has been in years. Not to brag here but I have a point in saying this so bare with me....He is VERY good looking. He has always had female attention. All of my friends say how cute he is. So when we go somewhere it isnt unusual for him to be flirted with at all. His reaction is different now than it used to be. He just is friendly and moves on. He used to get a huge ego boost from it. Now, its like its taken more in stride. He will actually reach over and take my hand when it happens. YAY! Its small but its something. I dont mind other women appreciating him but I like the signal he is sending to them now. It gives me hope and I need all I can get. Like all of us.

Im not sure I answered your question. Did I?


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> I am defensive b/c youre answer to EVERYTHING is basically "get rid of him". You say alot of other things but in the end THAT is always your statement. I understand you are D'ing. Im sorry for that for you. But when I say these are MY issues and he is doing all that I ask and more(call me defensive, its ok) and your answer is "get rid of him, you wont be losing much" what would the 'appropriate ' response be to that?
> 
> And as far as reading the WHOLE thread- IF you had you would have seen that he does accept the blame and that this thread was about me and MY doubts. Yes doubts. If I didnt have doubts, I'd be a fool. But I dont doubt the things I say. I doubt our ability to withstand what we've been thru and continue to go thru, at times. I dont doubt the things I say are proof of remorse.
> 
> ...


No. That is not what I am saying. I do say I am getting rid of mine. There is a difference. The get rid of him quote is a generic quote not specifically directed at your situation.

What I am responding to in your posts is the obvious self doubt you still feel. 

I remember reading a post to high wood you wrote in which you warned her that some of her husband's behaviors still seemed suspicious. 

It's always easier to see the bigger picture from the outside looking in.


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

highwood said:


> Just to wade in here a little...I get what both Sara and Cantrustu are saying...but am curious CTU..do you ever doubt him though in terms of future behaviour? If that makes sense...
> like for me I find myself looking at H and thinking hmmmmm is this going to be his coping mechanism for the future.
> 
> So if say in 5 years or 10 years down the road if our marriage is going thru a low ebb (which will happen at some point, all marriages go thru highs and lows), will he be inclined to seek out some ego boosting chick in order to feel better about himself. I wonder if he has my back..so to speak. Because now when we argue I find myself wondering is he thinking about how nice and light his interactions were with OW where as with me there is tension, bickering at times....because we have baggage we have been together for 24 years..him and OW no baggage.....I can't compete with light, flirtatious and no baggage.


This is the hardest thing to get over...the "what if" in the future sense. 

I have seen core changes in H since our As 5 years ago. But it has always been an underlying fear that if things were not dealt with properly "what if" he has the same coping mechanisim when we have a rough patch in our marriage...

And that sadly seems to be the case in my marriage. 

I hope you guys can overcome all of these emotions and get to the core reasons as to why the cheating occurred. The core reasons why communication failed. The core reasons the both of you act the way you do. If you cannot really get down into the core and figure things out, figure YOURSELF out after such a betrayal as an A, I honestly think the situation and patterns will repeat. 

And I only say that b/c I am experiencing it right now. We never got to the root cause to kill the festering seed of resentment...and now that poisonous plant is growing again taking over our M.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Of course it's the future I'm worried about. Can't speak for anyone else, but I'm scared of investing more in the marriage to find out that nothing changes, or that he'll slip, effectively putting us right back to square one.

But remorse? Yes, he's definitely showing remorse. Change? It looks like he's trying. But we've been down this road before. And then he 'slipped'.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

jupiter13 said:


> He is my one and only but now I am not his one and only. He has tasted other fruit and now I wonder what he thinks when he is with me. He has taken my future dream and crushed it. The cookies at the end of the rainbow will never be mine. The only life I ever wanted has been stolen by the one person I trusted the most. Loved the most depended on the most. I can no longer give those things to him I stand alone even when we are together. He will not take anymore of me to hell with him.


Yes. Exactly. 

I will never trust STBEH again. That will never change. I want a marriage to someone I can trust and respect.

Everyday I read about someone finding out that a once cheating spouse who went straight cheats again. 

It may take five years or ten years but it seems that in too many cases they promise to never do it, do everything right for a time, but as soon as the going gets tough, they cheat again. 

It's like an addiction or a compulsion. 

Also, I always thought that cheating was a man thing. 

I am truly truly surprised to see so many faithful men who were just as blindsided and who are just as hurt as the women. 

It really warms my heart to see so many faithful men posting on this board.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

^^^^^^^

well, I dont remember saying that to HW unless it was when she found a second computer hidden in his truck!!!! UMMMM, yes thats suspicious. I have been VERY supportive of HW both on the board and in PM's so thats odd IF I said that at any other point......

And what is it that you are saying you see other than what I have stated myself??? I said I have doubt. I have changed. He cheated on me when I was at my best sooo...what now? Yes I said that. *I have self doubt- I stated that very clearly I thought. . I have doubt in him. I'd be a fool not to. He has earned that. He accepts that.*


So by this post-you are indicating that my H's actions seem suspicious??? Interesting- how so?


----------



## MadeInMichigan (May 8, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Of course it's the future I'm worried about. Can't speak for anyone else, but I'm scared of investing more in the marriage to find out that nothing changes, or that he'll slip, effectively putting us right back to square one.
> 
> But remorse? Yes, he's definitely showing remorse. Change? It looks like he's trying. But we've been down this road before. And then he 'slipped'.



Candie, based on your own words, I was under the impression that he didn't "slip", but the behavior never stopped, he just became better at his lies and deception.....:scratchhead:


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Of course it's the future I'm worried about. Can't speak for anyone else, but I'm scared of investing more in the marriage to find out that nothing changes, or that he'll slip, effectively putting us right back to square one.
> 
> But remorse? Yes, he's definitely showing remorse. Change? It looks like he's trying. But we've been down this road before. And then he 'slipped'.


Yes, falling back into old patterns is a definate concern for me. I think for all BS'. Otherwise, we'd have instant blind trust for them. I dont see myself EVER having blind trust for him. He understands this part could be with us for the rest of our marriage-that I will trust but verify. i totally get what youre saying when you talk about investing too much more until youre more confident in him. I feel that too. I am R'ing BUT I have also made damned sure I have a way out and the funds with which to do so should I see even a glimmer of this again. Fool me once......


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Yes, falling back into old patterns is a definate concern for me. I think for all BS'. Otherwise, we'd have instant blind trust for them. I dont see myself EVER having blind trust for him. He understands this part could be with us for the rest of our marriage-that I will trust but verify. i totally get what youre saying when you talk about investing too much more until youre more confident in him. I feel that too. I am R'ing BUT I have also made damned sure I have a way out and the funds with which to do so should I see even a glimmer of this again. Fool me once......


It sucks living in this mindset...that you have to make sure to have a way out in case they betray you again...and it will forever be that way the entire marriage. 

I hate it.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> This is the hardest thing to get over...the "what if" in the future sense.
> 
> I have seen core changes in H since our As 5 years ago. But it has always been an underlying fear that if things were not dealt with properly "what if" he has the same coping mechanisim when we have a rough patch in our marriage...
> 
> ...


Good points. 

As for the root cause. Too sadly, I think the root cause is that the cheater has a mild or severe personality disorder.

A mild personality disorder is very difficult for even the most experienced Psychiatrist to diagnose. 

A diagnosis can take years of interaction. People with some types of personality disorders making them prone to cheating are very charming, disarming, intelligent and often easily fool the doctors for a long time. 

The diagnosis is typically eventually made when the patient plays the doctor the same way he plays his other victims. 

Then at the point the doctor can see what is going on.

Sadly some personality disorders are not curable. They can be managed, but not cured.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

MadeInMichigan said:


> Candie, based on your own words, I was under the impression that he didn't "slip", but the behavior never stopped, he just became better at his lies and deception.....:scratchhead:


I'm not going to perform surgery on whatever I may or may not have said, especially during the last few days since my most recent discovery of the compulsive behaviour and the lies. I have been extremely upset. Emotional. Irrational.

He never became better at covering his lies. That's why everytime I check, I find something. He gets caught, tries to stop, fails, gets caught again. That's basically it. The (so far) never ending cycle!

This time, he's trying different therapies. If this fails, I'm not sure what will happen to us. I know I can't be put through this forever...I'm not even sure I will survive it now. Somedays I want to, others, not so much. But today, right now, this minute, I'm trying. In an hour, I may swing back to wanting to pack up and move out...it's that much of a see-saw for me right now.

At least with an affair, it's black and white. I'd probably just pick up and leave, I've done it before. Since my husband's problem is a porn compulsion with associated lies, it's not so black and white for me. I can't call it cheating, although I must confess, that the feelings of betrayal are identical to when I have been cheated on by different partners. Identical. It's scary!

So I've decided to treat this just like an affair; see if that gets us through to the other side.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> Good points.
> 
> As for the root cause. Too sadly, I think the root cause is that the cheater has a mild or severe personality disorder.
> 
> ...


I don't know Sara....all kinds of people cheat. Hell, years ago, I cheated (on a different partner). Now, I can't tell you why I did it. But then, I had a million different reasons, and I was right in all of them!

That's why betrayal is so hard for me; I've been on both sides. So when someone says "I did it because blah blah blah..." I remember when I used that very same excuse all those years ago...and I remember that it was a lie.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> It sucks living in this mindset...that you have to make sure to have a way out in case they betray you again...and it will forever be that way the entire marriage.
> 
> I hate it.


I hate it too but ya know what- Its sooo much better than living the lie. Having my head in the sand while he goes on doing whatever he wants and Im the dumb wife who thinks he's prince charming. Im realistic now. He is a GOOD man. He has flaws. He has risked our marriage for his 'fun'. But no one, including me, is paying as big a price as he does everyday. Yes, i have a cross to bare forever. So does he. He knows I dont see him the way I used to. He lost some of my admiration. Thats a tough one for him. He lost his job, some friends and his family's reverance. And Im sure there are things he deals with daily that he doesnt share just as I do and dont share some with him. As time goes by and my trust in him grows, I will be better able to share those more painful thoughts. 

AND yes, having a backup plan in case the person you love most screws you-again- SUCKS. But its a necessary evil, Im afraid.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

wierd thing here- my email said StrugglingHusband posted on here BUT its not showing up on here/?????


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> wierd thing here- my email said StrugglingHusband posted on here BUT its not showing up on here/?????


he probably posted and then deleted it


----------



## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> I dont really know how to respond to this. He is right, I am different. I am sad in my core. I am learning to get thru this. But I have lost my dream to an extent. My dream for the Fairy Tale. That he's the only one for me and I'm the only one for him. I know now just how wrong I was about that. I love him so much but I see him differently now. He is the man I want and love but he is also the man, the person, who has hurt me more than anyone else on earth. He absolutely understands WHY I am different but I fear I wont ever be the girl he once loved. I dont know if he will love the new me. I dont know if this IS the new me or the temorary me. He says "I miss your smile". I miss it too.
> 
> Am I making any sense?



How are you doing? I am struggling to get over my husbands EA that I found out about 2 months ago. I do not know if I will ever feel the same way about him. It's like a part of my love for him has gone away and I doubt I will ever get it back.

It is so painful to think of how he was when we first met vs. him having an EA with another woman. It is over now between them but I think about it ever day. I just can't help it. The pain is unbearable.

Part of me wants to strike out and have an EA of my own but of course that is wrong and I will never do that. 

He asks what is wrong? I seem sad? Well why does he think I am sad?


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> he probably posted and then deleted it


weird. It wasnt anything contraversial. I ve noticed he does that. Guess he thinks harder after hitting 'submit'. Happens to us all. 

COME BACK Struggling!!!!!!


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

DiZ said:


> How are you doing? I am struggling to get over my husbands EA that I found out about 2 months ago. I do not know if I will ever feel the same way about him. It's like a part of my love for him has gone away and I doubt I will ever get it back.
> 
> It is so painful to think of how he was when we first met vs. him having an EA with another woman. It is over now between them but I think about it ever day. I just can't help it. The pain is unbearable.
> 
> ...


Hmm. how am I doing? I would say Im still struggling BUT I'm way better than I was 2mos. ago. I credit my H for busting his butt(as he should I know), My own inner strength and TAM. But I'd be lying if I didnt say that I'm still wrestling my demons daily. I struggle with how long it went on and just how easily he got into this mess. Im struggling b/c there are long reaching side effects and ramifications. Like him having to leave his job which has been a hit financially. Sometimes that really gets to me. The mere idea that he gave NOTHING any thought except his own feeding of the monster(his ego). And I struggle with feeling second best- ALOT.
And the loss of the specialness I felt with him. He definately killed that. 

But on the other hand, I now know just how strong I am. AND HE KNOWS. I know I can and will walk away if need be. That gives me some peace. Im not worried about him choosing me so much anymore. I more worry about me choosing him.(as in sticking it out even thru the rough days) Im sure 6/7 days that I can and will be here in a year. But that one day, wow. And that is on me, really. All of his cards are on the table. I dont always express that there are days I could walk away still. Give me a bad trigger day and WHEW! But on the other hand, HE has changed so much. Not just about this but in alot of areas of life.I see it everyday. Thats inspiring and gives me hope.

He did say Ive changed but he also acknowledges why, that he is the cause of that. He knows why Im sad. He sits up with me after a nightmare(sometimes for hours). He knows why Im sad. Im sad b/c I miss us. Im sad b/c I thought I was special to him. Im sad b/c I didnt do anything about this sooner. Im sad that Ive lost respect and admiration for him. Im sad that he's sad. But the anger is disappating. I think thats a good thing. I no longer want to choke the life from him. I can be intimate with him w/o obsessing about the A. It still occurs to me during but I push it out faster. Make sense?

As far as a revenge A-DONT DO IT. Dont lose your moral footing b/c he has. Every situation needs a hero. This time it has to be you in this particular corner of the A. You have to resist 'pay backs'. I understand wanting him to FEEL your pain but do you want to be the one to inflict what youre feeling right now, on the person you love most(even if he desperately deserves it)? Hold your head high. If you've decided to R, then that thought has to leave your mind.

Do you tell him why youre sad?


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> I'm posting this and deleting it, just to mess with you


If you chose to leave it I will cherish it forever..


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you can't prove I posted that!!


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> you can't prove I posted that!!


HA, my little turtle, I was quicker than you.....

Bet you dont hear that too often..:rofl:


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> It sucks living in this mindset...that you have to make sure to have a way out in case they betray you again...and it will forever be that way the entire marriage.
> 
> I hate it.


Some folks ask me why I stay. I asked my counselor that question and she said you have not reach the breaking point. Then some have said Thor what is your breaking point, seeing your wife fuc*ing on t.v.? I get the point but my counselor also said you know the devil you are with and don't know the devil you might up up with down the road, and she also said, you live alone during the week and you know what it is like if you D. Not sure if she is correct but it makes sense.

Maybe in some cases we stick with the devil we know. All of this is so stupid anyway, we should not be dealing with it.


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> weird. It wasnt anything contraversial. I ve noticed he does that. Guess he thinks harder after hitting 'submit'. Happens to us all.
> 
> COME BACK Struggling!!!!!!


Here I is, ...ta dah...miss me? ...yes sometime I post, think about it and delete guess I should wait before hand..I'm an a-hole like that 



CTU, the what if's down the road if things get rocky again? this applies to you too, what is he going to do about it, what are you going to do about it? you both put boundaries into place and work on it together... now,always,forever...


coulda,shoulda,woulda left the building, he cant take it back, although I'm very sure he wishes he could, like you said a cross you both must carry, for how long who knows.

I think he gets it now, a changed man, on his way to a better man, your on your way to a better you as well, maybe you dont see that just yet, but you are, I can see it in your words, the hurt, the growth, the knowledge, the understanding, the empthay, the sympathy, the struggles.. but mostly the love for yourself and your husband. Dont ever stop loving yourself!

PS when you going to go running again? I still have the vision of the angel jogging down the road burned into my mind (heaven sent)


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

In my situation it differs in that..I was not at my best...for years I was unaffectionate, did a lot of rug sweeping, etc. H did try for years to discuss his unhappiness with me over our marriage and I just brushed it under the rug. As well when he went on SSRI's partly due to our marriage issues about 3 years ago...one of the side effects of SSRI's is the feeling that you are falling out of love with your spouse, SSRI's cause you to feel numb inside (they call them "marriage/romance killers" for a reason). H did not realize this was due to the medicaiton but instead thought that he was losing romantic feelings for me.

So in my situation I guess I have the benefit, in a strange way, of knowing hopefully that if I keep up good communication, affection, etc. (all the things that H was wanting from me) that H will be happier and not feel compelled to go outside the marriage....there are no guarantees of course....

I have been reading some great books on marriage and men's needs and they have been highly insightful and I have to admit wiht shame that I was doing alot wrong.

CTU..yes you did answer my question


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

strugglinghusband said:


> Here I is, ...ta dah...miss me? ...yes sometime I post, think about it and delete guess I should wait before hand..I'm an a-hole like that
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Well I do run but I do it at night so my stunning beauty doesnt cause a thousand WS each and every time. Im thoughtful like that.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I have to admit sometimes I feel ashamed admitting what a crappy wife I was at times....I feel like sometimes maybe I got what I deserved I hate to think that because it has been so painful but you know those thoughts go thru your head at times.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I guess too in regards to the future that nobody knows, who is married, what awaits them. I try and tell myself that because I do get hung up on what ifs...I mentioned it in counselling and the MC said no one has a crystal ball..you cannot predict what will or will not happen.

So I suppose that sometimes you have to do the best you can today and try not to worry about the future (easier said than done). Many times I find myself almost getting myself worked up about what if he does it again, etc. etc. that I think subconsciously it is like I am trying to wreck it now (by being angry, etc.) as a way of preventing what I perceive as future pain, which may or may not happen. My fear is what if we go thru this again in 6 months or a year or two years...so maybe I should just pull the plug now just in case..


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Well I do run but I do it at night so my stunning beauty doesnt cause a thousand WS each and every time. Im thoughtful like that.


So now I know what the local guys are talking about. Several have made comments like "S/H you see that fox running along the road last night?"


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

highwood said:


> I have to admit sometimes I feel ashamed admitting what a crappy wife I was at times....I feel like sometimes maybe I got what I deserved I hate to think that because it has been so painful but you know those thoughts go thru your head at times.


Don't even say that...there are plenty of good wives too, that get the royal treatment of an affair from their husbands. Do not blame yourself.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

strugglinghusband said:


> So now I know what the local guys are talking about. Several have made comments like "S/H you see that fox running along the road last night?"


Understandable. All of it. And as you and I have discussed we are more comfortable with anger than pain. Its a learned behavior from childhood for me. My guess for you too. Anyway, you can look at it and always question "what if he does it again" but then again if that was your attitude you wouldnt have had all this time with him, right? Afterall, its a risk we all take the day we say "I do". Unfortunately, you and I(and lots of peeps on here) got the pick of the litter so to speak when it came to unfaithful H's. Thing is, do you think he is remorseful? Do you think the both of you have a handle on the ROOT cause here? My H and I have addressed the root cause and have taken steps to alleviate those problems. Its all I can do and its all you can do. In the end, HW, its WS' choice to be a man or a mouse now. Im hoping for the man but have prepared(as best I can) for the mouse.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

highwood said:


> I have to admit sometimes I feel ashamed admitting what a crappy wife I was at times....I feel like sometimes maybe I got what I deserved I hate to think that because it has been so painful but you know those thoughts go thru your head at times.


No. No one deserves this. No one. He could have D'd you. He could have gone to counselling with you. _Cheating was the easy way to instant gratification w/o regard for you._ The marriage state you can take responsibility for. The A- 100% his fault. No question.

*Get that out of your head*.


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> No. No one deserves this. No one. He could have D'd you. He could have gone to counselling with you. _Cheating was the easy way to instant gratification w/o regard for you._ The marriage state you can take responsibility for. The A- 100% his fault. No question.
> 
> *Get that out of your head*.


:iagree:

There are so many alternatives...no one has to spread their legs or stick their d*ck in something just b/c their marriage isn't going very good.


----------



## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I dont really know how to respond to this. He is right, I am different. I am sad in my core. I am learning to get thru this. But I have lost my dream to an extent. My dream for the Fairy Tale. That he's the only one for me and I'm the only one for him. I know now just how wrong I was about that. I love him so much but I see him differently now. He is the man I want and love but he is also the man, the person, who has hurt me more than anyone else on earth. He absolutely understands WHY I am different but I fear I wont ever be the girl he once loved. I dont know if he will love the new me. I dont know if this IS the new me or the temorary me. He says "I miss your smile". I miss it too.
> 
> Am I making any sense?


Well, who's to blame for this? Certainly not you.

I suppose that it is up to you to find your smile again... but it should be for YOU, not him, if you see what I mean.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

CTU..I honestly think you and your H will work thru this...don't be so hard on yourself..in reality it has not been that long for you guys R'ing. Give yourself some time and do not rush it...each day I think you will feel a little better...maybe only 0.00001% better each day but it will add up over time..unfortunately they say it takes minimum 2 years to recover from Infidelity.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

highwood said:


> CTU..I honestly think you and your H will work thru this...don't be so hard on yourself..in reality it has not been that long for you guys R'ing. Give yourself some time and do not rush it...each day I think you will feel a little better...maybe only 0.00001% better each day but it will add up over time..unfortunately they say it takes minimum 2 years to recover from Infidelity.


I hope its not that long but Im expecting it. I hope he is up for it and doesnt start thinking "wow , this has been long enough" I dont think he will but ya just dont know. I already think its been long enough for my blood. Thanks for the confidence.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I hear ya! I am still on still reconciling that this has even happened to me and my marriage...still unbelieveable in so many ways. I just never thought in a million years that my H would do this...


----------



## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

You should leave you getting back with him will only keep the pain going and you wont ever move on. 

The "old you"

He is the one who ruined your happiness in the relationship. LOL he has no right to comment on the new you


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> You should leave you getting back with him will only keep the pain going and you wont ever move on.
> 
> The "old you"
> 
> He is the one who ruined your happiness in the relationship. LOL he has no right to comment on the new you


well, I have chosen not to leave for now. Leaving him would be pain as well and as Long as I see remorse and true effort for change from him and as long as he NEVER repeats his actions again I will stay most likely.

so having made the decision to R gives him the 'right' to comment on our relationship. Changes in me effect our relationship. He understands and accepts responsibility for what he did to change me. This thread was more about asking others if they have changed also and what those changes are and if they've lasted. 

And if the time comes when I decide that I truly cant move on then I will leave but I think I will be able to get thru it in time. And its WAY too soon for that discussion.


----------

