# Ideas on how to spark a flame?



## rinnylong (Mar 10, 2020)

Been married less than two years. He seems to have little to no interest in me sexually. It has been messing with my head, depressed, anxious, overall moody and sad. He doesn't seem to have any sort of sex drive. I feel like I have tried everything. Got dressed up made him dinner, got into bed with lingerie, wear sexy underwear under my clothes for when we get home, flirt on texts. Even talked with him extensively about how it makes me feel. He doesn't even seem to care that i cry most nights. I feel like im at the end. I have even planned romantic nights away, he is too obsessed with EVERYTHING else except me. Lets go for a walk, lets go do this, plan that, and then right to bed. I can even tell him, I would like to have some romantic time with you, no consideration. Maybe once every two months he will initiate, but it doesn't feel very passionate. I have asked him what he would like to try or experiment with, he says - not sure, dont know. HELP LADIES!


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You cannot change who he is. If you are putting in all this effort and being open with him and he still refuses to change, well, that's just who he is. Your options are to accept him as he is or move on to someone better suited to you. 

You have told him how it makes you feel, but have you told him that your marriage is in jeopardy because of it?

Has he always been this way? Or did he suddenly change?


----------



## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

can you add some details? How old are you guys? How is his physical health? When you do have sex is it good?ok? 

Could he be embarrassed about anything sexually (premature ejaculation, body image)? 

Does he masturbate? 

Beside dressing sexy, flirting, etc....do you ever directly initiate sex yourself?

Was he sexual before marriage or early on in the marriage?


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

rinnylong said:


> Been married less than two years. He seems to have little to no interest in me sexually. It has been messing with my head, depressed, anxious, overall moody and sad. He doesn't seem to have any sort of sex drive. I feel like I have tried everything. Got dressed up made him dinner, got into bed with lingerie, wear sexy underwear under my clothes for when we get home, flirt on texts. Even talked with him extensively about how it makes me feel. He doesn't even seem to care that i cry most nights. I feel like im at the end. I have even planned romantic nights away, he is too obsessed with EVERYTHING else except me. Lets go for a walk, lets go do this, plan that, and then right to bed. I can even tell him, I would like to have some romantic time with you, no consideration. Maybe once every two months he will initiate, but it doesn't feel very passionate. I have asked him what he would like to try or experiment with, he says - not sure, dont know. HELP LADIES!


You have done more than enough. I recommend advising your H this is not what you signed up for. Separation is on the table.


----------



## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Was this a problem while you were dating, or during the honeymoon phase (1st year) of marriage?


----------



## rinnylong (Mar 10, 2020)

Married_in_michigan said:


> can you add some details? How old are you guys? How is his physical health? When you do have sex is it good?ok?
> 
> Could he be embarrassed about anything sexually (premature ejaculation, body image)?
> 
> ...


We used to have really good sex. Probably once a week or more. We would do fun things, try things. Talk more directly about what we wanted. We got married, He has gained bout 60 pounds in two years and now everytime i bring up something, he says i dont know, or I dont care. I do initiate sex and I get rejected. For example, I would wear sexy clothes in front of him and lead him into the bedroom. He would make an excuse and leave.


----------



## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

rinnylong said:


> We used to have really good sex. Probably once a week or more. We would do fun things, try things. Talk more directly about what we wanted. We got married, He has gained bout 60 pounds in two years and now everytime i bring up something, he says i dont know, or I dont care. I do initiate sex and I get rejected. For example, I would wear sexy clothes in front of him and lead him into the bedroom. He would make an excuse and leave.


I just don't understand low desire men.!!!. Even when I'm not feeling well, and are hurting everywhere from old sports related injuries, I would make time for a woman that needed me sexually. I do not understand some men that are lucky to have sexually willing partners and choose to ignore that.!!!.

You are doing all you can to bring hot sexual experiences to this man and he rejects it. As a HD man, I'd be thrilled with all you are doing to initiate sex. You are a good wife, you deserve better.

Some men just have to find a way to wake up to the sexual desires of their wives. This world would be a happier place if they did. Remember this cliche 'Happy wife, happy life.'

The same thing applies to LD women. Men have NEEDS too, some of us more than others.!!!.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Sounds like you married a dud. OP this lack of interest has nothing to do with you, it’s all who he is so please don’t take it personal. 


I will never understand these low effort people. I see it all the time, men and women. But it’s who they are, nothing will light a fire under their ass. 

And I can already guess that it’s not just the lack of sex, I’m sure he isn’t attentive to you in anyway. 

Some people just want to co-exist in a marriage and live their own life. Others want to do live together and be teammates. You choose someone who turned out to be selfish and wanting to do his own thing. 

All you can do is decide if you want to do this for the rest is your life, and if not lay the law down. Get therapy, and give him a time frame and if things don’t improve leave him.


----------



## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

rinnylong said:


> We got married, He has gained bout 60 pounds in two years and now everytime i bring up something, he says i dont know, or I dont care. I do initiate sex and I get rejected.


I don’t think this is much different than the millions of women who don’t feel sexy because of their weight or other body issues so they avoid sex. Perhaps the discussion needs to focus on health instead. What happened to gain 60 lbs in two years? That’s 2.5 lbs/month. Maybe there’s some metabolic or hormone issue.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’re seeing the real him. He’s not interested. You’ll have to decide whether you can live that life.


----------



## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

rinnylong said:


> We used to have really good sex. Probably once a week or more. We would do fun things, try things. Talk more directly about what we wanted. We got married, He has gained bout 60 pounds in two years and now everytime i bring up something, he says i dont know, or I dont care. I do initiate sex and I get rejected. For example, I would wear sexy clothes in front of him and lead him into the bedroom. He would make an excuse and leave.


so...based on your feedback, I would really lean towards thinking he is somehow self conscious (maybe about weight, how he looks, performance). I would willing to bet it is not a lack of true interest, but more about being uncomfortable (emotionally) with sex.


----------



## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

rinnylong said:


> We used to have really good sex. Probably once a week or more. We would do fun things, try things. Talk more directly about what we wanted. We got married, He has gained bout 60 pounds in two years and now everytime i bring up something, he says i dont know, or I dont care. I do initiate sex and I get rejected. For example, I would wear sexy clothes in front of him and lead him into the bedroom. He would make an excuse and leave.


Then I'm going to agree with some of the posters and say he is probably self conscious about his looks/weight gain.


----------



## rinnylong (Mar 10, 2020)

I do understand that he has gained weight. I have only told him that I fine him attractive, try to kiss him, touch him. He is very withdrawn. Should I flat out ask him about the weight gain? He is very sensitive about it. But if you have a woman all over you, touching you, kissing you... etc. Just get over it. I want you. Period. We have signed up for counselling to deal with this. I think he is just lazy. Back when we were dating he was thin and fit and ready to go. Now he comes home lays down and is ready for bed at 7. 70 pounds heavier. I try to get him active - he wont. BIG ISSUE.... Is that I dont know anything about him. What does he like sexually, what he doesnt like... what does he want to try.. what can we do to be adventurous? He wont answer my questions.. I have asked him for years... he wont tell me.. he says.. i dont know.. im not sure.. I ask him... point blank,. do you like.. this... do you want that... how would you feel if i did this... or that... I DONT KNOW.... I dont know how to get him back to wear he was.. When we dated he was all about trying new things, pulling over on the side of the road making out, going down on me. Now its just the worst.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Has he gone on any meds, like blood pressure or heart pills? 

His weight gain possibly might be affecting his vascular flow. He should ask a doctor about it if he thinks it's physical with him. 

Now, guys who are having erection problems will very often simply avoid sex rather than admit or talk about it or see a doctor, stupid as that may seem. 

Also, is he watching porn? Maybe he's spending himself doing that and has done it so much he's gotten too used to his favorite scenarios (usually impossible to duplicate or who would want to) to get off on real sex. That happens. Also, drive decreases with age. 

I agree it's possible he may no longer feel attractive and sexy, though. Most stories of men I've heard over a lifetime, they seemed oblivious if they were becoming unattractive, unlike women who obsess about it, but it could happen. 

You haven't been criticizing his body and weight gain, have you? At least he's wanting to go for walks and exercise, so there's still hope, I guess. Has he tried Viagra? He needs to talk to a doc.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@rinnylong,

How old are you and your husband? The answer to this is very important.

You say that he has gained weight, has become lazy, and seems to have no sexual desire. Those are all symptoms of low testosterone in a man.

Also has he been on any medication? There are some meds that will cause all this as well.

Has he been to a doctor about this? He needs a complete medical workup. He needs to have his testosterone checked. If he's depressed then he needs to get an antidepressants... most likely something like Wellbutrin that ups dopamine uptake so it increases energy, helps lose weight, and increase sexual drive. But of course his doc would need to be consulted.

If he will not do what needs to be done to help turn this around, then you will need to decide if you are willing to live a near sexless or sexless marriage. A marriage with sex 10 or fewer times a year is considered sexless. Personally, I would divorce a man who would not even seek medical help to figure out if it's a medical or mental health issue. Actually I did divorce a guy who refused to even look into addressing this issue.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If he has already seen a doctor about this and done what he can, then if it were me, I would quit trying to initiate sex and take all pressure off him, on the premise that if it's not working, you have to try something else. Sometimes people will react differently once you start reacting differently. If he senses disinterest, it might stir him to see if he can still get your interest. It's just one thing you can try but only after medical stuff is ruled out. Because this isn't working.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

He needs to see a doctor, lose weight, and perhaps go to counseling. I'd make these a condition of staying long enough to see if it makes a change. If he won't, or it doesn't, then it's time to realize that this is who he is and he's not interested in you any more. Then move on.


----------



## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I think investigating his porn use would be key in understanding if he is lazy or not. He may be purposefully going outside the marriage for “satisfaction”.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

rinnylong said:


> I do understand that he has gained weight. I have only told him that I fine him attractive, try to kiss him, touch him. He is very withdrawn. Should I flat out ask him about the weight gain? He is very sensitive about it. But if you have a woman all over you, touching you, kissing you... etc. Just get over it. I want you. Period. We have signed up for counselling to deal with this. I think he is just lazy. Back when we were dating he was thin and fit and ready to go. Now he comes home lays down and is ready for bed at 7. 70 pounds heavier. I try to get him active - he wont. BIG ISSUE.... Is that I dont know anything about him. What does he like sexually, what he doesnt like... what does he want to try.. what can we do to be adventurous? He wont answer my questions.. I have asked him for years... he wont tell me.. he says.. i dont know.. im not sure.. I ask him... point blank,. do you like.. this... do you want that... how would you feel if i did this... or that... I DONT KNOW.... I dont know how to get him back to wear he was.. When we dated he was all about trying new things, pulling over on the side of the road making out, going down on me. Now its just the worst.


Weight gain and low libido could be indicative of low testosterone or other endocrine issues such as hypothyroidism. Has he had a thorough physical recently? I think there may be underlying issues related to his health.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Depression?


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

rinnylong said:


> I do understand that he has gained weight. I have only told him that I fine him attractive, try to kiss him, touch him. He is very withdrawn. Should I flat out ask him about the weight gain? He is very sensitive about it. But if you have a woman all over you, touching you, kissing you... etc. Just get over it. I want you. Period. We have signed up for counselling to deal with this. I think he is just lazy. Back when we were dating he was thin and fit and ready to go. Now he comes home lays down and is ready for bed at 7. 70 pounds heavier. I try to get him active - he wont. BIG ISSUE.... Is that I dont know anything about him. What does he like sexually, what he doesnt like... what does he want to try.. what can we do to be adventurous? He wont answer my questions.. I have asked him for years... he wont tell me.. he says.. i dont know.. im not sure.. I ask him... point blank,. do you like.. this... do you want that... how would you feel if i did this... or that... I DONT KNOW.... I dont know how to get him back to wear he was.. When we dated he was all about trying new things, pulling over on the side of the road making out, going down on me. Now its just the worst.


That's a LOT of weight to gain in a short amount of time. It sounds like he works. Is it a stressful job? I would think his lack of interest in sex is related to whatever made him gain weight so fast, and now the physical strain on his body relating to that weight gain. The old marriage vows used to say, "in sickness and in health". I guess you're getting to the sickness part very early. If you're going to stick around to see if he'll come through it, maybe get a vibrator. For now maybe just assume it's off the table because he's chronically ill (which I get the feeling he is) and stop torturing yourself.


----------



## rinnylong (Mar 10, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> @rinnylong,
> 
> How old are you and your husband? The answer to this is very important.
> 
> ...


We are in our early thirties, no kids, no real responsibilities of any sort. He was on medication when I first met him, no longer. He says he WILL NOT take meds or talk to a counselor. I have tried many times of the years.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

rinnylong said:


> We are in our early thirties, no kids, no real responsibilities of any sort. He was on medication when I first met him, no longer. He says he WILL NOT take meds or talk to a counselor. I have tried many times of the years.


When you say he was on medication when you first met him, what medication do you mean? Do you mean for low T? or something else?


----------

