# Newly married, but feel nothing for my husband.



## BcofyoImaw12 (Feb 8, 2013)

Hello everyone, this may be a fairly long post and I apologize.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You make sure your disinterest in him is real and not some built up resentment or delusion you're experiencing.

If you find you really have no love for him then tell him.
You're wasting his time
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Show him this post. Problem solved and you can pursue someone closer to your own station.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BcofyoImaw12 (Feb 8, 2013)

tacoma said:


> You make sure your disinterest in him is real and not some built up resentment or delusion you're experiencing.
> 
> If you find you really have no love for him then tell him.
> You're wasting his time
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BcofyoImaw12 (Feb 8, 2013)

Thoreau said:


> Show him this post. Problem solved and you can pursue someone closer to your own station.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

BcofyoImaw12 said:


> How do I battle this if it is resentment? At this point I dont know what to do. My best friend KNOWS me. She said that I am too independent (womens studies major/feminist) and needed somebody who can handle that. My husband HAS to know where I am, always wants to come everywhere with me. I like having my own space, Going places alone. Maybe I dont need to be married at all. And maybe I do resent him because I am not living my dreams right now because I am married to him. He has no interest or experience with the things I am interested in. And I think I do resent him for it, like he is holding me back.


Have you told him all this?

Does he know you want something different from life?
He might be more than happy to compromise with you about much of it in order to have a wife that loves him and a strong marriage
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Is there anyone else you're interested in right now? If there is, that will affect how you feel about your husband.

If there's not, it sounds like you guys might not be that compatible. I'm all for busting your ass to save a marriage when there are kids involved, but if there aren't, I think deciding you don't want to do the hard work to try to salvage things is a reasonable decision.

You're coming across as pretty classist in your post. I think, for your own personal growth, you should really evaluate how classism affects your life and your relationships, and see if you can grow past that. If you do, and you still don't feel compatible with your husband, then you'll know it's not your flaw that's standing in the way.

Good luck to you.


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## BcofyoImaw12 (Feb 8, 2013)

Northern Lights:


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## BcofyoImaw12 (Feb 8, 2013)

tacoma said:


> Have you told him all this?
> 
> Does he know you want something different from life?
> He might be more than happy to compromise with you about much of it in order to have a wife that loves him and a strong marriage
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BcofyoImaw12 (Feb 8, 2013)

We are workin it out and agreed to see a counselor


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Did you love him when you got married? 

I think you guys should see a marriage counselor. Of course, it's impossible to get more than a tiny snapshot of your marriage and it's problems on a chat board, but it sounds like you have a hard time talking with him, and maybe aren't 100% sure what you want from the marriage and what would make you happy? If that's the case, then at the very least marriage counseling would help you identify your role in this and avoid a repeat of this situation if you do divorce. 

It's good that you don't have kids. Be flawless with your birth control until this is all sorted out!


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## MRB (Sep 4, 2010)

I left my first husband for similar reasons. We were married all of 9 months when I realized we were not meant to be. Now, 12 yrs later, he is one of my best friends. We were simply not meant to be more. Good luck in moving forward.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So why did you marry him? You talk about why you think he married you, but what was your reasoning?

C


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

I'm one to always try to make a marriage work unless there is a betrayal or abuse. Review your vows. Tell your husband where you are. If your marriage is to work you both will have to change. Not just him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BcofyoImaw12 (Feb 8, 2013)

I appreciate all your feedback. I know he just wants to make me happy. I will talk to him this weekend and see what we both want and where we both are. I am not going to back down and just glaze over our issues anymore. We've talked in the past but it usually just ends up with going back to what we were doing before. We need to both stop being so afraid of what we feel because we dont want to hurt the others feelings. We really need to confront what is going on in our marriage and why we can't talk to each other.


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## BcofyoImaw12 (Feb 8, 2013)

PBear said:


> So why did you marry him? You talk about why you think he married you, but what was your reasoning?
> 
> C


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

BcofyoImaw12 said:


> Honestly, I think it was because he was a safe choice. He was a great provider, stable job


You married him primarily for financial security. That's a nice way of saying "gold digger". 

That's a recipe for unhappiness. Money is NEVER the answer. 



BcofyoImaw12 said:


> my parents loved him, I got along with him and his family


That's not a reason to get married. Not even close. 



BcofyoImaw12 said:


> I love him and want the best for him but I dont know if I'm the one to make him happy.


In other words, you know he's not the one who will make you happy. Even if you're the best for him, its not enough of a reason to stay together because despite the fact that you love him, this is about what you want, not what he wants.

Not that there's anything wrong with your school of thought. You're selfish, you were looking for a sugar daddy, you were going along with what everyone else wanted, and now you're in a mess. 

At least no innocent children are going to be hurt.


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## BcofyoImaw12 (Feb 8, 2013)

kindi said:


> You married him primarily for financial security. That's a nice way of saying "gold digger".
> 
> Not that there's anything wrong with your school of thought. You're selfish, you were looking for a sugar daddy, you were going along with what everyone else wanted, and now you're in a mess.
> 
> .


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Lots of women marry guys for financial security.

I'm sorry you took it as an insult.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Wow. I don't see how so many ppl can reply so... calmly. 

I don't know where to start. Um. Yeah I think you got married for all the wrong reasons. I also think you are selfish and it's really coming out. I don't think you DESERVE HIM! And yes, I know very little about ya'll. But you know, you've told me enough.

There's no love here. There's no "marriage" here in my opinion. You sound so materalistic, it's almost disgusting. But hey, I'm from a poor family that works hard for what they've got. Couldn't afford college etc. 

Yes, I'm divorced, but my wife is a little... "not herself" More and more I'm feeling she may be mentally ill. 

But let me tell you about our love, our marriage. We fell in love when she was 17. I was in my 20's. We agreed to give it a shot once I realized how young she was (I was TOLD she was 20) so we agreed to date and go from there. IN the next 2 years, we still couldn't keep our hands off each other. She was so proud of me, and I was of her. We had to show each other off to everyone. We had our issues, and all that, but we worked through them. 

We were together for 11 years. Married for 7. Yes, we waited years before we got married. We never fought over money. When we realized there was something we wanted, whether it was just her thing, or mine, we both decided HOW TO GET IT, OR GET THERE TOGETHER!

You don't sound like you want to get anywhere together with him. Not at all. 

If I'm very harsh, or too harsh, I'm very sorry if I'm out of line, I truly am. But I am SO SICK of seeing ppl marry w/o love. Love is blind, love doesn't need money, doens't need an educated spouse, doens't need that big house, a small one will be fine! I'm this way righ tnow because I just found out that some close friends of mine are getting a divorce. Why? His wife, found a better LOOKing man with his own business. Known him for less than 2 months. WTF is it with people? 

Love isn't in that hummer, it's not in the tan of the neighbor, or the 6pack of the guy at the gym. 

I'm emotional, yes, I"m upset yes, and I'm sorry If I'm truly taking it out on you, but really, I do believe what I'm seeing, and saying. You sound too materialistic, too selfish to have married this man for love. You just do not sound like someone who wants love. 

I'm sure you hate me by now, judging by how you came here asking for advice, then get honest answers, then kinda snap at the guy above me, yeah. You probably don't want to listen to anymore. But let me say it anyways. 

ASK YOUR HEART what it wants. If you loved him, you would be asking HOW TO HELP this situation. You sound like you're asking us to tell you how to leave. If you LOVED HIM... you'd find a good, Pro Marriage counselor. If you loved him, you'd tell him in the most heartfelt way. He desrves that much. Me? I think you should either let go of your selfish ways and love your husband like you vowed to do, or leave him, let him find someone WORTHY of him.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

To summarize. You said you loved him, I don't think you do. There's no "In love". Love is what you make it! 

Sounds to me you married for the wrong reasons. I can not delete my post, I feel that's being dishonest. If you were here I would've said it, I can't unsay words, but I can apologize if I'm out of line. 

However, you need to get right with yourself, and figure out if you really DO love this man, if you do, you need to find ways to work things out. These feelings are normal, especially if you're middle aged. WORK IT OUT, or leave him so he can find someone that loves him. 

I am strongly against marrying for any other reason than LOVE!


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## BcofyoImaw12 (Feb 8, 2013)

DeWayne76, I appreciate your honesty and openness. I


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

I want to apologize, I shouldn't ever write when emotional, that's where my poetry comes from. Not advice. However, I'm glad you found positive in it, instead of flaming me and cussing me, which I may deserve. 

Please, turn over every stone? If you guys haven't tried counseling, which I'm sure you haven't, it sure doesn't sound like it anyways, please do. 

We don't live but once, so do you want to risk losing him forever? Only to realize a year or more down the road it was the worse decision you ever made, to leave?

We live a long time, really. Time is a great thing. Give your marriage some. Give it to the counselor (A PRO marriage counselor, please be decisive in them) give it to the books you should read. Sounds like you guys could benefit from a few books. 

5 Love Languages
His Needs, Her Needs
Hell, even Divorce Remedy. Has a lot of good info in there. 

Some others can come here and chime in with books. One I find interesting right now is Joel Olsteens' "Your Best Life Now" I'm finding my faith in the Lord again, yes, and yes, this book is christian based, but holy cow, it is SO inspiring! Some may not like JOel, but he has a great sense of life and happyness about him, you can tell in his writings. 

Good luck to you. I know there's no kids, but like everyone else said, "you married for a reason" Must have had love in there too, if there is, you CAN rekindle it! Everyone needs help sometimes.


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## BcofyoImaw12 (Feb 8, 2013)

Thanks, I will talk to him tonight when I get home. I will keep everyone updated.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Being educated doesn't mean you are better than anyone else. I've met lots of educated people who are dumb asses. 

Tell your husband the truth so that he can suffer through the hurt and get on with his life and find someone who deserves him.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

BcofyoImaw12 said:


> DeWayne76, I appreciate your honesty and openness. I did get a little snarky above. Maybe I am being selfish. Maybe I am materialistic sometimes. I dont want to leave him because he doesnt give me what I want materialistically, I am not wanting for anything. The fact that he doesnt have a college education doesnt matter, I was using it as a reason as to maybe thats why we can't communicate on the same level or appreciaite the same things. I have more education and experience with cultured things than him, yes, and Ive seen the world, he hasnt. Maybe it has something to do with whats going on it our marriage, that we can't appreciate each others pasts or interests. I want to love him, I would like to work on it. Maybe I am just giving up too easily. Maybe I am just afraid of not being happy no matter which way we go.
> 
> We have a lot to work on and yes, I was in a place today where I didnt want to work on it, and just give up. But, like you said, I need to look at what I want for myself and for our marriage. We need to have a long talk when I get home and I need to confess my issues. It may be that I AM the problem in the relationship. We married for a reason and I need to see deep down why that is and if we either need to rebuild on that foundation again or get a divorce.


So how did this relationship start from your end? You indicated that you were pretty active sexually, so is it safe to assume that you had a number of BFs before your husband that were the more assertive, passionate guys that didn't care a whole lot about who you were as a person - bad boys, perhaps?

When you look back on this, were you ever in love with your husband when you two reconnected 3 years ago or did you never love him at all? Based on the fact that you have some clear cut issues spelled out in your posts, I would assume that you at least used to love him and then fell out of love due to resentments.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

karole said:


> Being educated doesn't mean you are better than anyone else. I've met lots of educated people who are dumb asses.
> 
> Tell your husband the truth so that he can suffer through the hurt and get on with his life and find someone who deserves him.


Agreed. Having a sheepskin does not automatically make you a higher class person. I have a bachelors and masters degree, and I could look down my nose at the OP because IMHO her undergrad degree is crap. But I don't hold it against her and won't judge her quality as a person based on her choice of undergrad degree.


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## ChiGirl (Jan 20, 2013)

Well I was in a similar situation, BUT my STBX ended up being violent/abusive and I decided I needed to get out.

The similar stuff..

I have a degree and my STBX doesn't, we both made good money, and like you I like the fact that there was financial security based on our careers.

We had different ideas of building a life together, I wanted to live somewhere else and he would never move either.

We didn't have a sexual relationship

He didn't do things around the house, and I was mostly the responsible person.

Maybe you feel the way you do because this is a new marriage and you have no idea how to compromise, maybe it's something else- you don't love him etc.

I can tell you I nearly killed myself trying to figure out why my marriage wasn't working, and why I didn't have a sexual relationship. I went to doctors, changed my medication etc.. until finally my OB/GYN said that maybe it's my relationship.

You should really sit down and talk to him about some compromises you can make, and really think if there isn't something else that may be hurting your relationship?

I think we (women) sometimes end up being more like a mother to our husband's and it sort of kills that sex-love connection.
In the end he is a grown up, and he will be more hurt if you don't tell him.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

This is not like me, and I'm going to apologize in advance, and it might come across as a flame....ugh...I hope to not get banned.....but I'm just so offended by the OP I cant stand it. I should just clam up..but here goes...

Ok, first of all I really think I know the problem and he can fix it IF he wants to, and second of all I really found your post offensive..

To put in context....I'm absolutely 100% prejudiced against educated, PC, feminist, upper middle class types...

...especially the ones who use that as a reason to justify not being in love with their husbands.

The absolute definition of the rationalization hamster if I ever read one.....

..especially the ones who want to leave after such a short time together...like marriage is just disposable....

Come on....what you are describing sounds like NORMAL relationship adjustment stuff.....all of which can be worked out with effort.

Have him read MMSL....it REALLY might offend your upper middle 
class, PC, feminist persona....yikes...but its the truth in this case. 

You cant fight biology no matter how many classes you take in feminism, no matter what your socioeconomic background, etc etc...you are a woman and you want him to act like a "real man."

You also really do sound snobby and "classist" especially for someone who considers themselves a liberal and claims to like to be PC. 

Sorry...just calling it like I read it. You really make it sound like you don't thing he is "good enough" for you due to your backgrounds...then you claim to be a liberal PC person..? Hum...

You are dancing around the REAL issue there...plenty of women are VERY attracted to men from other walks of life and socioeconomic situations...its the story in a million movies...opposites attract remember!

Im sure you probably did not mean to do that ...(come across as classist)...but you should be the first to realize that your different backgrounds are probably NOT the real issue here. 

The REAL issue is that he is acting NOT!!! MAN ENOUGH for you right now..that is what I'm reading in your posts loud and clear.....although he earns....you see him as lazy and unmotivated, uninteresting, non-exciting, and even needy with the constant I love you stuff...

..and you even have to LEAD HIM in bed...constantly? Yikes..Im sure that is something of a turn off for him after a while too...and why should he bother to learn what you like since you are constantly reminding him of what he needs to do...(sounds like practically bossing his sissy behind around actually).... during sex.

..Im all for being educated by a woman as to what she likes, but at a certain point....do this..do that..I like this..I like that...well it could become very non-sexy....there is a balance there somewhere....Id complain (and I have) about a woman NOT telling me also and then being upset about me being a bad lover...but there is a balance....being henpecked during sex by a PC feminist does not sounds very sexy to me.....

On the occasions that my wife has told me what she does like, I DO IT...both for her and also FOR ME..cause I want to please her...and it pleases me.

So basically he is not being a MAN to you.

You may or may not have a hard time seeing this due to your background, liberal, PC, feminist, women studies filter...but I see it clear as day.

You read MMSL Primer, have him read it also.

Then if he(and you) dont change then you know you have a problem.

Your lack of attraction for him is totally natural at this point..you have no respect for him at all.....but it can change if HE wants it to change.

Its not PC to blame his family or his background for your lack of attraction by the way......

I know I should not post this.....please dont ban me!


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## BcofyoImaw12 (Feb 8, 2013)

We talked last night. We were able to come up with some answers to our problems. I feel ashamed after what I have written here and a lot of you helped with that. I may have come across a certain way, but like I said, you dont know me. I was at wits end, concerned over my marriage. I may have seemed uppity, classist or greedy to some of you, but I am not. We love each other and I was just in a bad place. We discussed everything in a calm/yet emotional and productive manner. There were tears but no blaming or yelling. We have agreeed to see a counselor. After our talk, we immediately started on fixing our marriage and it is off to a great start. Our communication is lacking. But, thank you to everyone who contributed in a positive manner. 

And Fetishwife.... thanks for your post as well  im not really offended. You all have your views, I have mine, and I can respect your POV. Thanks everyone


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## ChiGirl (Jan 20, 2013)

*You cant fight biology no matter how many classes you take in feminism, no matter what your socioeconomic background, etc etc...you are a woman and you want him to act like a "real man."
*

Okay WOW your wife/women you date are not feminists? 
They do not like VOTING or working? Or not like equal pay and all those feminist things? (how about right to abortions, birth control) Without feminism there would not be any of those things!

What you are talking about is a very outdated and propaganda following view of what a feminist is (some kind of weird right wing 1950's thing) 

There is nothing that says that men should not act like men, and that feminists don't like that!

Equal does not mean NOT DIFFERENT 

I agree with some other things you stated.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

ChiGirl said:


> Okay WOW your wife/women you date are not feminists?


Mine isn`t, neither is my daughter.
They`re egalitarians not feminists



> What you are talking about is a very outdated and propaganda following view of what a feminist is (some kind of weird right wing 1950's thing)


It`s also a biological fact that can`t be denied in the face of the evidence.



> There is nothing that says that men should not act like men, and that feminists don't like that!


We obviously know different feminists.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

OP - thanks for being so understanding..Im sorry I was too harsh......I had a feeling that was not the "real you" coming across there....just the frustrated you.

I really want him and you to read MMSL Primer....it will help him for sure....its helped a lot of people...its not ALL perfectly correct, but the big ideas are helpful and really get down to some of the issues that you complained about....your loss or attraction due to the way he is "being"...lets hope its going to get much better for you guys!


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

ChiGirl said:


> *You cant fight biology no matter how many classes you take in feminism, no matter what your socioeconomic background, etc etc...you are a woman and you want him to act like a "real man."
> *
> 
> Okay WOW your wife/women you date are not feminists?
> ...


Chi Girl,

Thanks for the agreement.

Yea I think we are talking about different feminists....my wife is a surgeon, I have a 12 year old who I want to be able to become anything she wants to be, INCLUDING IF SHE WANTS, a SAHM...or the CEO of a Fortune 500....or President....

No Im not talking about the Susan B Anthony types...Id call her an advocate for basic HUMAN rights for everyone.....

Yea feminism must have come a long way since when I was a student in the late 80's....back then it was pretty militant and anti-male....

I was told by one...and this was in medical school by a classmate/colleague...with a straight face...

"ALL MEN ARE POTENTIAL RAPISTS"

So if by feminist you mean those jokingly portrayed on Portlandia who have the "Women and Women First" bookstore....no I have no wife like that and never dated anyone like that.

Yes men and women deserve equal opportunity, equal treatment under the law, etc. 

And yes Im gravely concerned about the sex based abuse towards girls and women...simply due to their being female...

Sex slavery, lack of education, lack of any rights, and disgusting violence being done to women throughout the world.....its a terrible disaster to the entire human race...its disgusting and evil..end of story...it all needs to stop...PC OR NOT! 

Cultural sensitivity is NEVER an excuse for VIOLENCE AND ABUSE....no its not ok to mutilate a womans genitals at age 9 because "that is our culture"....hell no.....that is wrong...end of story....no, there should be no such thing as a PROSTITUTE CASTE where you are BORN into prostitution as if its your destiny... in India this happens.....that is just wrong.....no...girls can not be sold as sex worker slaves because they have no value....NO NO NO!

In the world at large, political, economic, legal....yes absolutely equal.....no question......equal rights 100% in every way...

However.....in the bedroom...in the family...

....no we are not exactly the same..

...we are equally important to each other..

..we are equally valuable to each other...

....but we are so very different in our needs and roles....

So the words equal and same....tough to tease out...

I hope that clarifies!


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