# Is learning to trust again on your list of things to do BEFORE you find love again?



## Tootrusting (Feb 24, 2016)

It has occurred to me that I am not going to be able to love the right way unless I re-learn to trust. :frown2: Does anyone else feel that way?

What do you think it takes to learn that?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Tootrusting said:


> It has occurred to me that I am not going to be able to love the right way unless I re-learn to trust. :frown2: Does anyone else feel that way?
> 
> What do you think it takes to learn that?


The same thing it takes to learn anything else - making mistakes and learning from them. Nobody says, the next person, the one after that, or the one after that etc etc has to be the ONE. Go out, have fun, make mistakes, find what you are comfortable with and life will happen.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I appear to be wired such that I am generally willing to offer a baseline level of trust to most people. That trust then either grows or diminishes as we interact. So, I found it wasn't hard for me to afford baseline trust to new people as I was dating. That trust level either grew or lessened as things progressed. If someone began doing things that impacted my ability to trust them, I moved on. It didn't seem to impact me in the same way as finding out my long-time spouse was untrustworthy. Finding out new people weren't as trustworthy as I'd hoped was aggravating and disappointing, but it wasn't devastating and I didn't feel betrayed or assaulted by it. 

Now that I'm in a good relationship again, occasionally things come up that trigger my "trust issues". I find I'm able to step back and asses them. Is this a real indication of lack of respect for me and our relationship? Is this a misunderstanding or a miscommunication? Is this a deal breaker, a red flag, a yellow flag, or just a trigger point for me? I'm getting better at looking at things and deciding when it's appropriate to extend trust and when it's appropriate to rescind it. So far, so good. But I also no longer believe that blind trust is a positive thing, so I'm not expecting to have that as I did for far too long with my ex-husband. 

I would say that if you are having trouble with baseline trust levels, or with assessing when things are or are not indicators of real issues, then the help of a therapist might be a good thing.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I'm sure I can't speak to everyone but I have no issue in giving a basic amount of trust. That is to say until you give me cause to think you're lying I will assume you aren't. 

That's said I will never be able to blindly trust again and maybe that is what you are getting at OP. To me blind trust is believing anything you are told when evidence and actions point to the contrary. I think this is a perfectly normal reaction to being betrayed and probably the best and most healthy realtionship. trust but don't be blind.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I learned to trust by loving again. It helped me. Finding the right person to trust. I don't think I could have ever done it on my own.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think as a person you always want to trust, and that's usually a good thing. I think after you have been burned a few times you become much more sensitive to red flags and much quicker to react, and that can be a good thing also, kind of a "with experience comes wisdom thing".

So I don't think you need to teach yourself how to trust again, I think with the right people in your life trust is just another part of yourself you are willing to share with those certain people, and trust just evolves as part of the relationship. In my book everyone starts off the same, "I trust you"....until you show me I shouldn't. 

It's like Wolf said, you may not "blindly trust" when the evidence shows obvious deceit, but nothings wrong with that. But with time and consistent honesty from someone your walls will come down and you won't be hyper analyzing every little thing.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

I definitely will have to get comfortable offering my trust to anyone in the future. Dealing with heart-ache and disappointment breaks our trust and it takes time to gather courage again.

Divorce has a way of bringing out the worst in people: I saw sides of me I didn't like (and am trying to learn how to love myself again) as well as the worst side in other people around me (spouse, in laws, family, "friends"). It's a traumatizing experience. In my case, we tried to keep it very civil/amicable but it's still emotionally traumatizing...I am suspicious of people. 

Who I used to be: Someone who trusted blindly. Took everything at face value. Expected the best of people. 

Who I am: Someone who is more cautious of who I trust. I don't take anything at face value. I expect the worst of people. I know this is not a healthy place to be and I hope once my divorce is final and some time has passed, I calm down and learn to offer compassion and kindness to everyone. It doesn't mean I will let everyone get close to me...but it does mean I will not judge everyone for all the bad things they've done or said. To err is human. We're all in this together, after all...even though we think we're not.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

I refused to let my divorce affect me like that.

I surprisingly don't have trust issues with women at all. 

I only have trust issues with my ex and that's why she's my ex.

So I give people the benefit of the doubt until they prove me wrong.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Learning to trust again is definitely something to work on and make progress before you find love again. I think if you meet the right person, someone who is honest and trustworthy, they can gain your trust and make it easier. 

I use to be a guy that assumed everyone was like myself...honest and trustworthy. Sadly, I am not that person anymore because of what I've been through. I have only loved two women in my entire life. I married both of them...and they both cheated on me. The first marriage only lasted a year, the second...16. Because I've been through this twice, I no longer automatically assume anyone is trustworthy. They have to earn that. My goal is to be able to start off in a neutral place of trust when meeting someone new, and not one of skepticism. I will admit, I still have some work to do. Because of this, I'm not actively looking for love yet either.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I think that trying to 'learn to trust' is the wrong way to go about it. Learning ABOUT trust might be a better way to look at it. What is trust, anyway?

I think trust is something we all want to give, but often cannot. It's partly earned and partly given, and it occurs on a spectrum - it isn't all or nothing. Different people deserve different levels of trust, and even the same person can elicit different levels of trust for different things.

I do not think you can (or should) ever trust someone 100% for everything. Except maybe God, if you're religious. People, by their very nature, are imperfect and therefore the unexpected will happen. You can approach 100%, but that last little increment can never be there. And if you accept that, and no longer have the NEED for this 'all in' trust, you're free to allow yourself to trust in the way you ARE able to.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My experience has been that once you meet that person whom is worthy of trust, one doesn't have any problem giving it. I thought I would have trust issues after my crappy wife. But I don't. Definitely not blind trust anymore, but I don't think blind trust is what I want or what is wise, either.
I'm happy and trust isn't a problem, either way.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Tootrusting said:


> *It has occurred to me that I am not going to be able to love the right way unless I re-learn to trust. * :frown2: Does anyone else feel that way?
> 
> What do you think it takes to learn that?


You basically solved what the problem is. Examine your heart and why you have trust issues. Discuss with a counselor what is rational, and what is not. 

Finally, find out what you distrust, the quality of person, the values they put in certain areas, what they do and do not allow in a relationship. 

There are big difference between "trust issues" and "trust compatibility." Naturally, you want to be with someone whose moral compass is in line with you enough, that trusting doesn't become an issue.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

I am working on trusting myself. That's where the change needs to come from. Right now I don't trust myself to pick well. And I don't trust myself to enforce my boundaries. 

Once I can trust myself I can trust someone else.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I think everyone learns a basic wariness over the course of their life, right? When we're kids we learn not to go off with strangers, or not to talk to everyone we meet on the street. Then as we turn into teenagers, if we're girls, we learn to keep our head down when we're out by ourselves and not to go out late by ourselves. We guard our drinks in public. We run a basic background check before meeting a stranger. We tell someone where we're going and who we're meeting there. A certain level of distrust is actually smart. 

After being cheated on, or hurt, I have noticed I pick up on red flags in new dates VERY quickly. So a tiny proportion of folks I went on a first date with after separating were people I actually wanted to see again. If they seem overly smooth, I don't trust anything they're saying. If they seem very shifty or can't hold eye contact when they're talking to me, I don't trust anything they're saying. Everyone else, it's case-by-case. I am dating a nice guy casually right now, because I'm still healing and I'm not ready for anything more. Do I trust him? I'm trying to. But of course, it's always going to be in the back of your head that they could hurt you too. If it creates such a level of misery and anxiety in you that it actually makes you unhappy, you may want to consider whether you need to try being alone for a period of time first.

I think what you're asking about is faith in another human being in a relationship that they won't hurt you. That's what you're asking about, I think, right? On some level, it has to be a conscious decision not to be bitter and angry and sad and lonely forever. If you still feel those things consistently, you're not ready to date yet. Once you make the decision, checking your instinct to assume that every time he's talking to another girl, he's planning on sleeping with her, or every time he mentions a friend who's a girl, that he's cheating, is a challenge. But it's important to differentiate. When I get that panicky feeling, I try and organize my thoughts a bit. If my friend was watching this, would she think I had a reason to worry? Has he actually crossed any important boundaries? Or is it more that this situation is a trigger for me, because he's talking to another woman and things that seemed innocent to me with my ex-husband and other women weren't so innocent?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Tootrusting said:


> It has occurred to me that I am not going to be able to love the right way unless I re-learn to trust. :frown2: Does anyone else feel that way?


Yes.



> What do you think it takes to learn that?


I think, if I learn I can trust myself, I will be more open to trusting appropriately. 

It doesn't mean that I can trust myself to be right. It means I can trust that I will make mistakes sometimes, but I can handle my life after those mistakes. 

Those mistakes will be trusting those who do not deserve my trust. I can always be fooled again. Emotions cause our logical reasoning to falter.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Tootrusting said:


> It has occurred to me that I am not going to be able to love the right way unless I re-learn to trust. :frown2: Does anyone else feel that way?
> 
> What do you think it takes to learn that?


*That describes me to a "tee," @Tootrusting ~

While it took two counsellors and two Methodist pastors, and a sheer host of church cohorts to get me to eventually and fully embrace the Christian concept of forgiveness, I still have marked difficulty in forgetting about it, or reaching out to available, attractive, loving women ~ all because of having been "twice burned!"

Right now, I see it from a perspective that if I get close to someone romantically speaking, that no matter what their past resume' says, and no matter how innocent they have been, that in time it will inevitably lead to yet another betrayal!

I really feel that I would be much better suited to have someone of a like nature reach out to me first, and then for me to offer reciprocity!

But even then, there are no firm guarantees in place!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

God's concept of forgiveness is much higher than any human's. We can't even really understand it. God gives us forgiveness when we don't deserve it. He made a sacrifice that seems unreasonable and purely selfish on one hand and completely selfless on the other. He wipes the slate clean and does not remember our sins. He gives grace, which is a gift we do not deserve nor even know to ask for many times. He expects more than we are capable of returning, and has proven this by the sacrifice of His beloved Son. 

No one can teach that or expect it of any of us, if even God cannot because of His decision to allow us free will and His desire for us to love him through that free will. That is why we are forgiven by Him when we cannot do as He asks. 

This concept goes back to the idea of compassion and love for our brothers and sisters. We can only do what each of us is capable as unique individuals. We ask forgiveness for our failings. 

Please don't think I am attempting to discredit or cheapen your accomplishments. On the contrary, I am attempting to be understanding of those who find it a hindrance to healing when they become obsessed with forgiving, rather than concentrating on healing themselves first. Yeah, it is counterintuitive that forgiveness will heal. It will, but those confused can become more confused and disheartened when they are not yet at fifty thousand feet(a different perspective, not so close to the betrayal, looking at the past from a less emotional state).

My apologies to non-Christians.


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## WreckTangle (Jan 27, 2016)

Tootrusting said:


> It has occurred to me that I am not going to be able to love the right way unless I re-learn to trust. :frown2: Does anyone else feel that way?
> 
> What do you think it takes to learn that?


Most definitely. I don't think it matters if you were the one who was left or if you did the leaving.

I was left. I'm a pretty good guy who simply had a wife who changed. I thought I had someone who loved me like I loved her and someone who was as committed to me as I was committed to her. To find out that this wasn't true was a major blow.

I'm a little scared to put myself out there again...to trust someone with my heart. I've been burned enough times and I hate the pain it brings.

I'll get back on that horse eventually, but it is scary.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

WreckTangle said:


> Most definitely. I don't think it matters if you were the one who was left or if you did the leaving.
> 
> I was left. I'm a pretty good guy who simply had a wife who changed. I thought I had someone who loved me like I loved her and someone who was as committed to me as I was committed to her. To find out that this wasn't true was a major blow.
> 
> ...


I said something very similar to this to my XGF when we started dating. She said something that hit home. "If you aren't scared, I'd be worried enough to run away."

Be open about that - and the right people will understand. 

Yes, that was from an XGF, but we didn't work for many reasons, and are still good friends.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

My first girlfriend and fiancee was with me since the age of 14 until I was 19, after which she cheated on me. The girlfriend after her also cheated. There was cheating among my male and female friends, my co-workers, our siblings and it seemed that many had no idea that it was going on in their marriage. A lot more do not get caught than caught. Then I got screwed by clients in business and decided that a healthy dose of mistrust was a good thing. Expect trust but do not bank on it. I have seen too many spouses who swore that their spouses would never cheat and yet I dated some of those spouses and knew others were cheating. We are built for sex multiple times a day and with multiple partners and yet we prefer to first destroy the life we made with our mates before we have sex with another. Humans do not share well and prefer a life of serial monogamy over the alternatives.

Every boss I had, cheated on their spouse, male or female. It seems to be ingrained in our culture that you marry and vow sexual fidelity, wink and then find yourself a lover outside of your marriage when things get rough or boring in your marriage. Sometimes all it takes is getting drunk at the right time in the right place. When emotions take over, we tend to make bad decisions. So I recommend trust, just not 100% and unconditional trust. According to cheating and divorce statistics, we are going to trust someone that we should not have ,at least 50% of the time. My wife prefers sex with women and has demonstrated over the last 40+ years that she is not interested in a man or woman unless I am part of it. Despite that, I still track her iPhone and have all the passwords to her devices and email.


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## WreckTangle (Jan 27, 2016)

zillard said:


> I said something very similar to this to my XGF when we started dating. She said something that hit home. "If you aren't scared, I'd be worried enough to run away."
> 
> Be open about that - and the right people will understand.
> 
> Yes, that was from an XGF, but we didn't work for many reasons, and are still good friends.


I agree...I think you need to be upfront about it. Anyone who has been burned and then just simply goes rushing back in obviously hasn't learned much.


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