# where to now?



## littlelady (Jul 16, 2009)

I have no one to talk to that's why i am here. I am married in my mid 40s with 4 children teenage to early 20s, i have been married twenty years to a good man, but things are changing and i don't know what to do. We made a big move from one country to another left family and friends, plan to make a better life, other than lack of money i couldn't really see what could be better, we had our own home (nothing flash) family close and loads of friends kids were happy, anyway we did it and now its going down hill. I have tried to talk to my husband about how i feel but it always ends up being about him. Our sex life.....what a joke once a month if i am lucky that lasts a whole gee maybe 10 minutes from start to finish with the finish being getting off turning over going to sleep no cuddle no nothing oh i do sometimes get a "fart" whis he thinks is like the icing on the cake....even the sex is like an effort for him i often lay there thinking why bother, what worries me now is the last time we did he went soft i'm like oh my god what is wrong with me i don't turn him on. so thats one problem the next is from monday to friday i get home after him he is on the couch watching "his" tv i give him a kiss and ask how was your day he gives me a breif low down then thats it he goes to sleep till tea(which i cook after a 10 hr day at work) then after tea he showers and goes to bed. saturday he gets up before i wake sits on the internet he reads the news from home then he turns on tv and thats where he stays watching sports and having a beer till its time to go to bed, same again on sunday and so it goes on and on, he says he so tired from work, yet he can go to the pub after work on the odd day and come home late yet hes not tired. he doesnt deal with home life at all the kids the grounds nothing and when i say anything i am "starting" and he gets mad and wont talk. we went out one night to a (his) work dinner and drinks he spent most of the night talking to the women he works with, he said to me oh im not leaving you out am i, i said no, i couldnt be bothered with the carry on that would follow if i said yes. i feel like my life is over i have no friends here no one i can visit or talk to or even go out with i dont feel i am old enough to stop living yet. i have even been thinking of maybe finding someone, just to feel special and wanted again. i have never in the 25 years we have been together even kissed another man, i know deep down he has been with other women, when he was in the army he did he pretty much told me but didnt come right out and say hey while i was away for 6 months i hooked up with ...... when i asked him he said maybe maybe not and laughed. thats sick so what do i do just plod along and wait for him to not be so tired or find a part time friend and think of myself? the talking has been done so i can't do that. I keep myself looking pretty good for my age so he wont loose interest, he has put alot of weight on but i still love him, i just don't think i am "in love " with him anymore.


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## hombre (Jul 7, 2009)

Hi Littlelady,

Sorry to hear about your situation, it must be extremely hard to cope for you.

I used to be a lot like your husband, inattentive, no communication, lacked interest in sex. My wife seemed happy to me so I was lazy and carried on living that way. Then she told me I love you but I'm not in love with you - what a bombshell that was. Intially I could think only of divorce but once my emotions had settled I took on board what she had said and I am a better person for it.
We decided to try and make things work and to do this I had to change my ways - I knew deep down I had to do this and the ILYB speech was the impetus I needed to make it happen.

While I'm pleased that my wifes feeling are out in the open I so wish we had been able to communicate more effectively over the years and thus avoid arriving at this situation but now I am in this situation I have really turned over a new leaf - I go to the gym and am loosing weight, I spend much more quality time with my wife and we are again having fun together. And most importantly I take the time to really listen to what she has to say. Another benefit is that our sex life is also getting much better!

I can recommend a book called "I love you but I'm not in love with you" by Andrew G Marshall. It has opened my eyes with regard to what is required to sustain a marriage once the butterflies in the stomach go (as they always do!).

I would suggest you find a quiet time to really explain to you husband how his actions/inactions affect you and make you feel and then see how he responds - if that doesn't prompt some changes then the ILYBINILWY speech _may_ be your last resort - it was for my wife and aside from the inital hurt and bewilderment I feel it has been a real turning point in our marriage.

I hope you can work it out and all the best,

Hombre


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## dixie (Jul 7, 2009)

I have only been married five years but can so much relate to so much of what you are feeling and saying. I have a 17 year old son who I raise myself,my husband ignores,my son ignores him, of course it was 100% different when we were dating,then bam,the change. He changed in so so many ways. Esp. in the sex department, as I said in other board, now its 90 seconds long(the sex) and I hate it.
Anyway, I am in the same boat as you. My husband goes in the living room after work and turns on the tv,or,is on the internet, or, is off to ride his bike or with his friends. I have lost most of my friends. (After we got married, after about a year, I got soo depressed I lost touch with many of my friends, kind of became reclusive as I was so unhappy.) I am defiantly not in love with him and so much about him bothers me but I am financially stuck in the marriage right now.( not working-looking for work and back in school)
feel free to email me-I could use a friend.
take care,
Dixie


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

"i dont feel i am old enough to stop living yet"

Hmmm....I don't think _anyone_ is "old enough to stop living" yet....

Your dh needs a wakeup call, and I think you are in a rut because your relationship has taken the backseat on importance.

Without a healthy relationship you cannot be healthy. You either must figure out a way to make your relationship change for the better or get out.

With an unfulfilling relationship in your life, you are better off without one at all. Lonely in a relationship is WORSE than lonely with NO relationship because reality bites you in the face each day you wake up with the wrong person, no matter how long you've been in a relationship.


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