# Starting again



## richard_73

Hi folks,

I'm starting a new thread as my marriage is officially done and I feel like I need as much chat/advice as possible.

My original thread is here, I got some great advice there. I wasn't really fit enough to carry out the 180 when it was recommended but in fact it would have made zero difference as my infidel WAW is well in the grip of love as I write. 

She destroyed everything for a 2 month affair.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...almost-overnight_-separation-discussions.html

I tried everything I could but she would hear none of it. She is full speed ahead, "to hell with the destruction and to hell with your life"

So I'm almost the stage where I'm accepting she is gone. getting some bad anxiety attacks frequently throughout the day. 

I'm eating well, training, reading, writing, and seeing friends as much as I can.

Any tips for getting through this adjustment period appreciated!

I'm not going to waste my life suffering with this trauma forever. 

Basically I need good energy and positivity to see me through this.

R


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## ihatethis

I was officially divorced in January, but we kept talking and seeing each other up until about 2 weeks ago. I have gotten a bit better with reminding myself it's over, and not thinking about it as much, but then when I catch myself thinking about it, it just hurts so much...

So, like all my friends and family told me, and I'm sure you will be told as well, you have to just put it behind you and focus on each day. If we live too much worrying about the future and not letting go of the past, we don't live for now anymore. So, each day, I make sure that I don't think of each too much, and focus on things I can improve each day. I've taken on new hobbies, talked more with old friends, and just taken a breather. 

I know that I'm not over it yet, and I also know it will take a lot of time, but, I'm hoping to get through it and get there as smoothly and quickly as possible. Here is to the both of us getting there


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## richard_73

ihatethis said:


> I was officially divorced in January, but we kept talking and seeing each other up until about 2 weeks ago. I have gotten a bit better with reminding myself it's over, and not thinking about it as much, but then when I catch myself thinking about it, it just hurts so much...
> 
> So, like all my friends and family told me, and I'm sure you will be told as well, you have to just put it behind you and focus on each day. If we live too much worrying about the future and not letting go of the past, we don't live for now anymore. So, each day, I make sure that I don't think of each too much, and focus on things I can improve each day. I've taken on new hobbies, talked more with old friends, and just taken a breather.
> 
> I know that I'm not over it yet, and I also know it will take a lot of time, but, I'm hoping to get through it and get there as smoothly and quickly as possible. Here is to the both of us getting there


Sorry to hear that. Like you say its one day at a time.
Looking to the past is just brutal.
I'm controlling the things that I can control like health and fitness. Taking lots of vitamins and supplements and going easy on caffeine and alcohol. Make sure you do the same as it really helps.

Sleep is the most important thing at this stage. Make sure you get enough good sleep. I hate going to bed alone which tends to keep me up late but I need to resist that habit.



R


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## sherri1997

I don't have any page turning advice because there isn't anything that makes this process easier.

I am 13 months out since he decided after the OW#1 that he was moving on with OW #2 .. it still hurts, it actually hurts more now that I know all the lies. The only advice I can give or that I am trying to follow is that they aren't the same person that you loved and they will never be that person again. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason ... we just don't know what that reason is yet. That is the comfort that I carry with me during the rough times.


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## richard_73

sherri1997 said:


> I don't have any page turning advice because there isn't anything that makes this process easier.
> 
> I am 13 months out since he decided after the OW#1 that he was moving on with OW #2 .. it still hurts, it actually hurts more now that I know all the lies. The only advice I can give or that I am trying to follow is that they aren't the same person that you loved and they will never be that person again. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason ... we just don't know what that reason is yet. That is the comfort that I carry with me during the rough times.


sorry to hear that Sherri. I understand exactly what your saying.
13 months is a long time for you and you must feel tired with it.

Hang in there and have faith that time heals as well as positive energy. look after your body and it will help your mind.

just keep repeating the mantra "every day its getting easier, every day my life is getting better". Say it and believe it. This is what i've had to do this week during the panic attacks. It was instinctive and it helped.

This is a rollercoaster ride.

R


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## Fenix

Welcome to the other side, Richard! Life is going to be grand...eventually. How do you feel about dating?

As far as positive action goes, surround yourself with positive, supportive people. Make a list of new things to try, that you can get excited about. Each time you find yourself wallowing/falling into the black hole, get outside and exercise/surround yourself with nature and redirect your thoughts. For me, changing things up as much as possible helped tremendously.

Good luck!


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## richard_73

Fenix said:


> Welcome to the other side, Richard! Life is going to be grand...eventually. How do you feel about dating?
> 
> As far as positive action goes, surround yourself with positive, supportive people. Make a list of new things to try, that you can get excited about. Each time you find yourself wallowing/falling into the black hole, get outside and exercise/surround yourself with nature and redirect your thoughts. For me, changing things up as much as possible helped tremendously.
> 
> Good luck!


Thanks Fenix : )

I'm nowhere near dating yet. Although I need to share my life, I'm not a solitary animal.

I still love her despite what she has done to me, this is my biggest hurdle to really accepting and getting stuck into my new life with both feet.

The thought of being with another woman repulses me just now as it's all been so quick that mind is still committed to my wife.

But improvements are being made. A little slow for my liking.

thanks for the positive action tip, I'm doing exactly that. Got some work to do, don't like being on my own. So I always a TV on in the background and music playing ( nothing atmospheric or classical or I start down that bad road )

Good luck to you too my friend

R


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## poppyseed

sherri1997 said:


> I don't have any page turning advice because there isn't anything that makes this process easier.
> 
> I am trying to follow is that they aren't the same person that you loved and they will never be that person again. That is the comfort that I carry with me during the rough times.


Hi Sherri


Funny you say this as I often think the same. The sweet boy I fell in love with 10 years ago is not the same as the middle aged man who I fell out of love from. Mind you that we still get along and maintain decent friendship and he's a caring guy as a friend (and not so much as a husband who always had poor boundary setting with other females) but certainly, the man is not the same man I fell in love with. The sweet boy I fell so deeply in love is gone and perhaps he turned into a star and he still lives in my heart and love I had for him is still burning there until the end of my days xx


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## poppyseed

richard_73 said:


> Thanks Fenix : )
> 
> I'm nowhere near dating yet. Although I need to share my life, I'm not a solitary animal.
> 
> I still love her despite what she has done to me, this is my biggest hurdle to really accepting and getting stuck into my new life with both feet.
> 
> The thought of being with another woman repulses me just now as it's all been so quick that mind is still committed to my wife.
> 
> thanks for the positive action tip, I'm doing exactly that. Got some work to do, don't like being on my own. So I always a TV on in the background and music playing ( nothing atmospheric or classical or I start down that bad road )
> 
> Good luck to you too my friend
> 
> R


Hi Richard

I completely agree with you. The only difference is that I am no longer committed to my ex all of a sudden like a switch has been turned off. 

You are very wise. I notice some people jump into a hot flying pan as soon as they just got out of one. 

Take care and you are not alone in this.


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## Openminded

You do need to learn to be comfortable alone. All we really ever have is ourselves. I came out of a 45 year marriage never having been on my own. It was an adjustment in the beginning but it's been good for me. It will be for you too.


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## movealong

4/26/14 was the day she decided that working on the marriage was not worth it.
5/6/114 was the day I filed for divorce.
7/4/14 will be Independence day - the day the Final Decree is official.

As far as I know, there was no infidelity. She was codependent, I am an alcoholic. I got sober, she didn't know what to do with me. Even saying it was better when I was drinking because she knew how to act. LOL! She also told me that it was MY fault she was the way she was due to my drinking. But hey, there were other issues for her - like an alcoholic step mother, bar hopping philandering ex husband, and the fact that her mother was killed by a drunk driver - but it was all my fault. :scratchhead:

My marriage died a slow death, so I am adjusting better than I thought I would. I surround myself with positive people, attend AA meetings, get together with friends, and my 11 year old daughter decided to stay with me. So i keep busy.

I am doing a LOT around the house now that she is gone, and that is helping me. I am also walking, eating better, and I lost 30 pounds. 

Advice:
Keep busy
Hang out with friends.
Go out to a movie
Find a group/club that has the same interests as you.
Do yard work
Paint the house
Don't be in a hurry - for anything
Enjoy the alone time
Re-learn who you are.
Read - self help books can be good, but I would suggest books that address your needs. HNHN won't help now, but may in the future.
Go to the Bunny Ranch. *j/k - maybe*

Whatever you do, don't sit and dwell on the end of the marriage. Get moving, keep moving, and don't let the moss grow on your backside.


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## richard_73

Openminded said:


> You do need to learn to be comfortable alone. All we really ever have is ourselves. I came out of a 45 year marriage never having been on my own. It was an adjustment in the beginning but it's been good for me. It will be for you too.


Thanks for the message.
Feel strangely numb now. After months of high stress, I don't think there's anything left. Bit of a worry as I have a long road ahead

R


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## Dollystanford

Allow yourself to take whatever time you need. I've now been split for over 2 years and divorced for 18 months. It didn't take too long for me to get over the fact that he was gone (in fact it was blissful) but there are lots of other things that you don't realise will affect you. 

Yesterday I had the car scrapped that was the first car we'd bought from new and I'd had since 2000. I'm really not a sentimental person at all but I cried. Threw away my wedding albums without a thought but cried over a car  

Just do things at your own pace, don't expect too much from yourself. You'll get there and it will be difficult at times but just enjoy being you. You don't realise how easy it is to lose yourself as part of a couple


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## Fenix

For me, I think the hardest thing is saying goodbye to a future I thought I had...at least, once I ''got over'' just how badly he had betrayed me. That sometimes still crops up. I know that my new future could very well surpass the one I had planned, but still...I grieve a bit about it.

I agree on the take your time. At some point, you will miss the perspective of a woman and it is ok to date but not commit. Or even just have a gal pal (not an FWB). You will know what is right. I agree on not pushing it though. I started dating at about the 10 month mark but have no interest in a LTR. Day at a time...

I also agree on the need to be comfortable alone. Take care of yourself, tend to your needs (physical, emotional and spiritual) and the rest will follow.

Movealong, kudos to you to not drinking. You rock!!


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## Pluto2

Hi Richard!
My 28 yr marriage officially ended in October '13. Yes there was infidelity and verbal abuse. Once I told him I was done trying, he moved out of state and now the kids and I see him maybe once of twice a year. I have to say my anger from the infidelity has subsided, but replaced with a bit of anger from his development as a deadbeat dad. Never in a million years did I think that would happen. Ah, live and learn.

One thing that really helped me cope was re-doing the house. I moved furniture, painted, remodeled the kitchen, cleaned out closets. It was all very cathartic, and it isn't quite done yet. I used a drill for the first time! It may sound like a small step but he was an artiest at one point and was sure I had no business touching a tool. Let's just say that was one more thing he got wrong.

Like you, I am no where near dating ready. Maybe one day, I don't know. I do know that right now it sure doesn't feel right. Time will tell.


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## richard_73

Fenix said:


> For me, I think the hardest thing is saying goodbye to a future I thought I had...at least, once I ''got over'' just how badly he had betrayed me. That sometimes still crops up. I know that my new future could very well surpass the one I had planned, but still...I grieve a bit about it.
> 
> I agree on the take your time. At some point, you will miss the perspective of a woman and it is ok to date but not commit. Or even just have a gal pal (not an FWB). You will know what is right. I agree on not pushing it though. I started dating at about the 10 month mark but have no interest in a LTR. Day at a time...
> 
> I also agree on the need to be comfortable alone. Take care of yourself, tend to your needs (physical, emotional and spiritual) and the rest will follow.
> 
> Movealong, kudos to you to not drinking. You rock!!


Thanks Fenix. Whats your opinion on becoming friends?

The thought of losing her completely makes me so sad. But she has behaved so badly and seriously damaged me.

Things have changed so drastically I'm still in shock right now and I'm fighting day to day. Feel like I blinked and marriage was gone.

I need to believe I will feel better soon. Doing my best!

R


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## Dollystanford

Do not worry about being 'friends' yet

My husband and I both said that - it's just what you say. I personally think it takes some time before you can even think about being friends. You get used to life without them

We're still not ha ha


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## Openminded

Richard, some ex-spouses are able to become friends and some aren't and some don't ever want to be. I was one who felt I would hate my ex-husband forever. But after the divorce was final, I felt differently. Now we are friends and communicate often -- mostly about our son and grandchildren. I rarely see him in person but when I do I am happy to see him arrive (and happy to see him go). 

What I wanted most in life was peace and I finally got it. You will too.


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## richard_73

Movealong, kudos to you to not drinking. You rock!![/QUOTE]

Hey Fenix,
Started drinking a beer here or there but not to excess. Takes the edge off so why not!


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## richard_73

Openminded said:


> Richard, some ex-spouses are able to become friends and some aren't and some don't ever want to be. I was one who felt I would hate my ex-husband forever. But after the divorce was final, I felt differently. Now we are friends and communicate often -- mostly about our son and grandchildren. I rarely see him in person but when I do I am happy to see him arrive (and happy to see him go).
> 
> What I wanted most in life was peace and I finally got it. You will too.


Thanks, good to hear. I'm not one to bare a grudge so when the time is right I hope we can be friends. Far too early for that right now though.

Can't believe I am on a marriage forum saying this! Feels like a dream.

R


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## Openminded

richard_73 said:


> Thanks, good to hear. I'm not one to bare a grudge so when the time is right I hope we can be friends. Far too early for that right now though.
> 
> Can't believe I am on a marriage forum saying this! Feels like a dream.
> 
> R


Yes, we all feel this is not where we were supposed to be. But it's where we ended up. And, hard as it is, we deal with it. No, we conquer it.


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## richard_73

Openminded said:


> Yes, we all feel this is not where we were supposed to be. But it's where we ended up. And, hard as it is, we deal with it. No, we conquer it.


That's what I like to hear! : )
Have a good week.

R


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## Paradise

Richard, 

You sound like you are doing all the right things. 

Good job not dating yet....I did and regretted it. Delayed the healing process. 

You were asking about being friends? Well, the advice given is pretty well spot on but I would expect an anger phase to pop up sometime in the near future if you haven't experienced it yet. Took me a while to negotiate that phase....Been there and done that but I still have no desire to be friends with my ex. 

Not sure your entire story but the one BIG thing I had a hard time with was comparing my life to my ex wife's. My ex ran off with the OM and married almost immediately and they are living the exciting life. New homes, cars, lots of vacations....I'm scrounging. But...I don't miss that. Took me 3 years to be mostly done with debt from my marriage so there really isn't a comparison. 

Keep up the good work. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. 

Take care...

Paradise


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## Alpha

Give yourself two months recovery for every year you were together which includes dating and engagement. You can get over quicker if you take all of this with a clear head (not easy for sure) and put a self improvement plan into action.

I recall you said you don't have any children. In your case there should be no reason for you to remain in contact with your wife or even be friends. What is the point? You will never heal completely. 

After about four months, or when you feel ready start dating and have lots of sex. You'll see how fast the attention and affection of another woman will make you forget.


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## Fenix

richard_73 said:


> Thanks Fenix. Whats your opinion on becoming friends?
> 
> The thought of losing her completely makes me so sad. But she has behaved so badly and seriously damaged me.
> 
> Things have changed so drastically I'm still in shock right now and I'm fighting day to day. Feel like I blinked and marriage was gone.
> 
> I need to believe I will feel better soon. Doing my best!
> 
> R


Do you mean here? Or with your ex?
:rofl:

yes to the first, a resounding NO to the second. I look at it this way, when broached on this topic by my x. Friends don't treat you like this. Friends don't stab you in the back. I choose the people to be my friends who bring out the best in me and whom I can trust. That is not YOU. We are co-parents. That is it.

So, no, I don't believe in being friends when there is a history of abuse (of whatever kind) and infidelity.

no no no.


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## Fenix

richard_73 said:


> Movealong, kudos to you to not drinking. You rock!!


Hey Fenix,
Started drinking a beer here or there but not to excess. Takes the edge off so why not![/QUOTE]

Fine, if you aren't an alcoholic. Movealong is. 

I have seen so many crawl inside a bottle when faced with infidelty and divorce. I have a friend right now who is deep inside it. Drinking increases depression and saps resilience. So, yes, a drink or two in the evening is fine. But overuse will make your recovery that much more difficult.


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## Jellybeans

How long ago did you split/divorce? 



richard_73 said:


> Any tips for getting through this adjustment period appreciated!


Time. Time is the great healer. Take it one day at a time. You aren't going to feel better overnight. It's not possible. But day by day you will begin to heal. Surround yourself with good friends/family/support system. Get some therapy if you feel inclined. Go somewhere you always wanted to or do something you always wanted to. Exercise. Get sunlight. Watch a movie you have been meaning to. Vent, cry, shout. 



richard_73 said:


> . Whats your opinion on becoming friends?
> 
> Things have changed so drastically I'm still in shock right now and I'm fighting day to day.


It can be done but not in the raw thick of it that you're in right now. You are still hurting and feeling out of sorts (which is normal). Until you get past this horrible phase, "friends" isn't going to be a possibility. With time, though, you may be able to. Some couples are post-divorce. My ex husband and I are friends.


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## ihatethis

My XH immediately was dating another women after divorced. Comparing is my downfall, and I wish I didn't do it. 

Let me say this... My XH and I had a very unique relationship and we were best friends. We tried staying friends after the divorce (January) and it didn't work. It was too soon. Maybe one day we can be friends again, but for now, it's not good. 

I've never been on my own, and it is a huge adjustment. I am still learning. I just can't wait to be out of this cloud.


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## SamuraiJack

Jellybeans said:


> How long ago did you split/divorce?
> 
> 
> 
> Time. Time is the great healer. Take it one day at a time. You aren't going to feel better overnight. It's not possible. But day by day you will begin to heal. Surround yourself with good friends/family/support system. Get some therapy if you feel inclined. Go somewhere you always wanted to or do something you always wanted to. Exercise. Get sunlight. Watch a movie you have been meaning to. Vent, cry, shout.
> 
> 
> 
> It can be done but not in the raw thick of it that you're in right now. You are still hurting and feeling out of sorts (which is normal). Until you get past this horrible phase, "friends" isn't going to be a possibility. With time, though, you may be able to. Some couples are post-divorce. My ex husband and I are friends.


All of the above. Its too soon to be friends and until she comes to her senses she will never be able to offer you the apology needed to breath some spark back into the friendship. You may also decide that it's simply not worth it after a while. 
I found that once I took a step back and looked at what she had done, there was NO WAY I wanted to be friends with her.

Dont rush, just work your way through it.
Do some things that are just for you. Since Im the type that thinks while doing things, I played a LOT of Xbox while working through things. As an added bonus, it is a great distraction from drinking.

The Investigation Discovery channel is also great if you are getting down on yourself. Its all murder and crime and divorce killings and will help you bring a very rapid reframing to how bad you truly have it. 
Seriously.
I watched this one show where the lady got angry, killed the guy, processed his body through a food processor and dumped him down her bathtub drain. 
I remember thinking to myself "Wow....I guess my marriage COULD have gone a whole lot worse."
:rofl:

Dont let anyone push you towards anything and trust yourself.
It will get better.


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## Jellybeans

SamuraiJack said:


> The Investigation Discovery channel is also great if you are getting down on yourself.


:rofl:


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## richard_73

Fenix said:


> Hey Fenix,
> Started drinking a beer here or there but not to excess. Takes the edge off so why not!


Fine, if you aren't an alcoholic. Movealong is. 

I have seen so many crawl inside a bottle when faced with infidelty and divorce. I have a friend right now who is deep inside it. Drinking increases depression and saps resilience. So, yes, a drink or two in the evening is fine. But overuse will make your recovery that much more difficult.[/QUOTE]

v true, 1 or 3 beers are fine but any more and I start to get low. Alcohol is a depressant so takes the edge off a bit.

There's a fine line but I prefer it to pills from the doctor.

R


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## richard_73

Jellybeans said:


> How long ago did you split/divorce?
> 
> 
> Its happening right now!
> 
> My emotions are doing 180 day by day. Just when I think I am getting somewhere the next day is horrible. Total mess today. Stomach is in knots.
> 
> R


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## SamuraiJack

richard_73 said:


> Jellybeans said:
> 
> 
> 
> How long ago did you split/divorce?
> 
> 
> Its happening right now!
> 
> My emotions are doing 180 day by day. Just when I think I am getting somewhere the next day is horrible. Total mess today. Stomach is in knots.
> 
> R
> 
> 
> 
> Okay
> You have to allow yourself bad days. Dont fight them. You have to let them wash over you.
> 
> Get through your day, treat yourself right and be good to those around you. Avoid HER.
> Then get yourself to someplace safe and private. Bedroom is best.
> Then let it hit you. Let it wash over you and drown yourself in it. Take it in. Feels like it is resisting?? Force it in and drag it into you. Bite it, tear it and let it consume you.
> 
> Now take a look inside yourself. There will be a part of you that it cannot take over. Thats you.
> 
> Sadness, pain and despair are all able to effect the outside of you, but they can never touch your core.
> 
> Wail, cry, sob, yell all you want.
> This will not kill you.
> 
> You will feel yourself becoming braver as you realize it cannot kill you and you will notice that your core will be a bit stronger.
> It's a paradox, but surrendering to this will actually make you stronger. (!)
> 
> The best part is that once you have surrendered, the pain will never be as bad as it was this time. You may wander back occasionally, but you survived it the first time...what does it have to offer you besides what it is?
> 
> Allow yourself these times to truly mourn and say goodbye to the expectations you had for your future. Once you say goodbye to these, there is room for new things.
> 
> Part of taking care of yourself is allowing yourself to mourn.
> Take care of yourself.
> 
> The next day, you will be surprised how much control and calm you will have. Enjoy this day...it is a hint of things to come.
Click to expand...


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## Jellybeans

richard_73 said:


> Its happening right now!
> 
> My emotions are doing 180 day by day. Just when I think I am getting somewhere the next day is horrible. Total mess today. Stomach is in knots.


This is totally normal. You are in the thick of it. The beginning is the worst! I did not feel good for a very long time.


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## Alpha

So "what's going on now"? Did you ever get a lawyer and stick it to her? Or is she still in the house? 

If she's around and you have to still see her everyday, you are never going to heal. You should be cutting off any contact with her for your own mental health and really quit fathoming any ideas that you may be friends. That's just your subconscious way of never letting go completely and hoping that she snaps out of it and returns.


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## Alpha

Here's a story to give you a glimpse into the mind of a woman, and hopefully convince you to quit holding on. 

It was only a week after my wife leaving that one of her friends told me she would "help" me get through this. I obliged, several times. And, she still "helps" me on occasion. 

A few months after another one of her friends asked me if I could "help" her get over her separation. I obliged. And I'm still "helping" her on occasion.

You might think I'm a pig, but what comes around goes around. It's my private revenge. My ex has no clue. Each woman has kept it to themselves because they don't want to ruin their friendship. But can you imagine when they all get together? Each one a hypocrite. 

These women were her cheerleaders during our split, but didn't think twice about back stabbing their friend. Your wife loved you but she didn't think twice about destroying your marriage. You never could imagine her doing that, but she did it anyway. You don't know what goes on in a woman's mind. 

I will never give my heart completely to a woman unless I want to risk getting emotionally destroyed again. Better to enjoy their company and the physical pleasure, but as for love, forget it, I've learned my lesson.

Move on Richard.


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## richard_73

SamuraiJack said:


> richard_73 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Okay
> You have to allow yourself bad days. Dont fight them. You have to let them wash over you.
> 
> Get through your day, treat yourself right and be good to those around you. Avoid HER.
> Then get yourself to someplace safe and private. Bedroom is best.
> Then let it hit you. Let it wash over you and drown yourself in it. Take it in. Feels like it is resisting?? Force it in and drag it into you. Bite it, tear it and let it consume you.
> 
> Now take a look inside yourself. There will be a part of you that it cannot take over. Thats you.
> 
> Sadness, pain and despair are all able to effect the outside of you, but they can never touch your core.
> 
> Wail, cry, sob, yell all you want.
> This will not kill you.
> 
> You will feel yourself becoming braver as you realize it cannot kill you and you will notice that your core will be a bit stronger.
> It's a paradox, but surrendering to this will actually make you stronger. (!)
> 
> The best part is that once you have surrendered, the pain will never be as bad as it was this time. You may wander back occasionally, but you survived it the first time...what does it have to offer you besides what it is?
> 
> Allow yourself these times to truly mourn and say goodbye to the expectations you had for your future. Once you say goodbye to these, there is room for new things.
> 
> Part of taking care of yourself is allowing yourself to mourn.
> Take care of yourself.
> 
> The next day, you will be surprised how much control and calm you will have. Enjoy this day...it is a hint of things to come.
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks Samurai,
> Good advice and thanks for the positivity : )
> Surrendering to panic attacks is certainly counter intuitive but works really well. as you say optimism is growing a tiny bit each day!
> What a ride its been.
> R
Click to expand...


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## richard_73

Alpha said:


> So "what's going on now"? Did you ever get a lawyer and stick it to her? Or is she still in the house?
> 
> If she's around and you have to still see her everyday, you are never going to heal. You should be cutting off any contact with her for your own mental health and really quit fathoming any ideas that you may be friends. That's just your subconscious way of never letting go completely and hoping that she snaps out of it and returns.


Hi Alpha, she's moved out and I do need space from her like you say. Otherwise I can't heal.
BUT, I think we will be friends eventually.
When I have another partner friendship should be safe. I can't let her go out of my life completely, despite what a ***** she has been, we have had some amazing times.

But your quite right, I have a glowing ember of hope which really isn't healthy at all! 

That should get blown out when I meet someone else maybe!


R


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## richard_73

Alpha said:


> Here's a story to give you a glimpse into the mind of a woman, and hopefully convince you to quit holding on.
> 
> It was only a week after my wife leaving that one of her friends told me she would "help" me get through this. I obliged, several times. And, she still "helps" me on occasion.
> 
> A few months after another one of her friends asked me if I could "help" her get over her separation. I obliged. And I'm still "helping" her on occasion.
> 
> You might think I'm a pig, but what comes around goes around. It's my private revenge. My ex has no clue. Each woman has kept it to themselves because they don't want to ruin their friendship. But can you imagine when they all get together? Each one a hypocrite.
> 
> These women were her cheerleaders during our split, but didn't think twice about back stabbing their friend. Your wife loved you but she didn't think twice about destroying your marriage. You never could imagine her doing that, but she did it anyway. You don't know what goes on in a woman's mind.
> 
> I will never give my heart completely to a woman unless I want to risk getting emotionally destroyed again. Better to enjoy their company and the physical pleasure, but as for love, forget it, I've learned my lesson.
> 
> Move on Richard.


Fair enough Alpha. I will take what I can from your experience ; )

One thing is for sure, I do need to move on.

Maybe my new mantra needs to be "don't analyse it just do it".

R


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## Jellybeans

Alpha said:


> Here's a story to give you a glimpse into *the mind of a woman*, and hopefully convince you to quit holding on.
> 
> You might think I'm a pig, but what comes around goes around. It's my private revenge. My ex has no clue. Each woman has kept it to themselves because they don't want to ruin their friendship. But can you imagine when they all get together?* Each one a hypocrite. *
> 
> These women were her cheerleaders during our split, but didn't think twice about back stabbing their friend. Your wife loved you but she didn't think twice about destroying your marriage. You never could imagine her doing that, but she did it anyway. You don't know what goes on in a woman's mind.


Pot, kettle? Your post sounds very angry and anti-women. It's interesting that you paint a picture of these "awful" women yet you are willingly making the choice to sleep with them. That does not really set you apart.


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## Fenix

Jellybeans said:


> Pot, kettle? Your post sounds very angry and anti-women. It's interesting that you paint a picture of these "awful" women yet you are willingly making the choice to sleep with them. That does not really set you apart.


The word I was thinking as I read the post was bitter.

Richard, don't go there. Actively work to prevent that bitterness from creeping into your soul. It is a horrible, life sucking thing.

There are a lot of dips and valleys coming your way, but there are also some incredible highs. One of the things that helped me gain perspective on the "all men do this' idea was to read/discuss it with guys who had been through the same wringer that I had been (ie serial cheater, major gaslighting etc) I can't tell you how many times I heard that all men are cheaters. *shaking head* I refused to believe it, and worked very hard to see my stbx as a person who was a lying cheating bastard, not a man who was.  This place actually helped quite a bit with that. 

Anyway, as a result, while I am bitter about one person...I am not bitter about men in general, nor about marriage.


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## SamuraiJack

Alpha said:


> I will never give my heart completely to a woman unless I want to risk getting emotionally destroyed again. Better to enjoy their company and the physical pleasure, but as for love, forget it, I've learned my lesson.
> 
> Move on Richard.


Sounds like you got burned awfully bad. 
I feel for you.
Some hurts take a very long time to recover from.


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## Alpha

Fenix said:


> The word I was thinking as I read the post was bitter.
> 
> Richard, don't go there. Actively work to prevent that bitterness from creeping into your soul. It is a horrible, life sucking thing.
> 
> There are a lot of dips and valleys coming your way, but there are also some incredible highs. One of the things that helped me gain perspective on the "all men do this' idea was to read/discuss it with guys who had been through the same wringer that I had been (ie serial cheater, major gaslighting etc) I can't tell you how many times I heard that all men are cheaters. *shaking head* I refused to believe it, and worked very hard to see my stbx as a person who was a lying cheating bastard, not a man who was.  This place actually helped quite a bit with that.
> 
> Anyway, as a result, while I am bitter about one person...I am not bitter about men in general, nor about marriage.


I had a feeling that post would not sit well with some people. 

Bitter? No not at all, more like eyes wide open. Don't get me wrong, I love women, but why ever marry when the chance of divorce is so great? Why give her your heart completely when there is a greater than 60% chance that she will initiate divorce or separation? With divorce laws being very pro woman, what stupid male would ever want to put themselves into such financial risk? 

So no, not bitter or anti-women, but smarter and more cautious.


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## 3Xnocharm

richard_73 said:


> Hi Alpha, she's moved out and I do need space from her like you say. Otherwise I can't heal.
> BUT, I think we will be friends eventually.
> When I have another partner friendship should be safe. I can't let her go out of my life completely, despite what a ***** she has been, we have had some amazing times.
> 
> But your quite right, I have a glowing ember of hope which really isn't healthy at all!
> 
> That should get blown out when I meet someone else maybe!
> 
> 
> R


You should not be hoping to meet someone to get you through this! You cannot lean on another woman. You have to learn to deal with this sh!t yourself! Replacing her with another woman is just that, its not going to do anything for YOU in the long run. You will be the same, only depending on a different person now. 

And Alpha....gross. That makes you no better than them or her, you have stooped to their level.


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## Fenix

Alpha said:


> I had a feeling that post would not sit well with some people.
> 
> Bitter? No not at all, more like eyes wide open. Don't get me wrong, I love women, but why ever marry when the chance of divorce is so great? Why give her your heart completely when there is a greater than 60% chance that she will initiate divorce or separation? With divorce laws being very pro woman, what stupid male would ever want to put themselves into such financial risk?
> 
> So no, not bitter or anti-women, but smarter and more cautious.


OK, I can buy that. That is not how it came across however. 

And, just so you know, women are the ones who get shafted in divorce. 

So, find someone to give your heart to completely and co-habitate. Because by over protecting your heart and not trusting, you are missing out.


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## richard_73

Fenix said:


> The word I was thinking as I read the post was bitter.
> 
> Richard, don't go there. Actively work to prevent that bitterness from creeping into your soul. It is a horrible, life sucking thing.
> 
> There are a lot of dips and valleys coming your way, but there are also some incredible highs. One of the things that helped me gain perspective on the "all men do this' idea was to read/discuss it with guys who had been through the same wringer that I had been (ie serial cheater, major gaslighting etc) I can't tell you how many times I heard that all men are cheaters. *shaking head* I refused to believe it, and worked very hard to see my stbx as a person who was a lying cheating bastard, not a man who was.  This place actually helped quite a bit with that.
> 
> Anyway, as a result, while I am bitter about one person...I am not bitter about men in general, nor about marriage.


Totally agree. I haven't got any interest in holding onto some lame bitterness and become a mysoginist.

I believe we can generalise about the difference between men and women but I'm not comfortable with it and it leads to the cynicality that takes the magic out of everything!

I'm bitter but its temporary and I'm allowing myself it for a while.

R


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## SamuraiJack

richard_73 said:


> Totally agree. I haven't got any interest in holding onto some lame bitterness and become a mysoginist.
> 
> I believe we can generalise about the difference between men and women but I'm not comfortable with it and it leads to the cynicality that takes the magic out of everything!
> 
> I'm bitter but its temporary and I'm allowing myself it for a while.
> 
> R


Dont just "allow"...wallow in it...deliberately. It will will bring you (sooner) to the point where you get sick of it.

Thats the part where the twinkle in your eye comes back and suddenly you realize that ( even if it takes a while) everything is going to be alright.

I remember my dark time and it WAS awful. 
I hit rock bottom, just like Wyle E,. Coyote, there was a SamuraiJack shaped outline that led about three feet underground...and then the boulder landed on me! SMACK!!

In that moment I realized that nothing was going to kill me...and I laughed.:rofl:

In the moment where it all becomes so ludicrous that its laughable...thats usually when you start to see how resilient you really are.

All the ladies are different and just because "one cow kicks the bucket over, doesnt mean they all will".

I'm on my second cup of coffee and feeling a little folksy today..


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## Fenix

You know...some things are just so horrible, you have to laugh at them.


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## SamuraiJack

Fenix said:


> You know...some things are just so horrible, you have to laugh at them.


I think the folks should be given a sign when they get announced. One side would say "Oh Crap!" and the other side would say "WTF?"

That would have been SOOO handy during the proceedings..


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## richard_73

SamuraiJack said:


> Dont just "allow"...wallow in it...deliberately. It will will bring you (sooner) to the point where you get sick of it.
> 
> Thats the part where the twinkle in your eye comes back and suddenly you realize that ( even if it takes a while) everything is going to be alright.
> 
> I remember my dark time and it WAS awful.
> I hit rock bottom, just like Wyle E,. Coyote, there was a SamuraiJack shaped outline that led about three feet underground...and then the boulder landed on me! SMACK!!
> 
> In that moment I realized that nothing was going to kill me...and I laughed.:rofl:
> 
> In the moment where it all becomes so ludicrous that its laughable...thats usually when you start to see how resilient you really are.
> 
> All the ladies are different and just because "one cow kicks the bucket over, doesnt mean they all will".
> 
> I'm on my second cup of coffee and feeling a little folksy today..


lol. good post. Yes I'm getting there now. Still a bit of a mess but I can feel big change. Like you say, you get so sick of the repetitive nature of the mindset. 
R


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## richard_73

Fenix said:


> You know...some things are just so horrible, you have to laugh at them.


I had a few months of relentless rottenness.

You just sat and wondered WTF did I do for this?

R


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## SamuraiJack

richard_73 said:


> I had a few months of relentless rottenness.
> 
> You just sat and wondered WTF did I do for this?
> 
> R


Dont worry. Pretty soon you will be asking yourself "WTF did I see in her?"

Thats when the process goes from painful to interesting.


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## richard_73

SamuraiJack said:


> Dont worry. Pretty soon you will be asking yourself "WTF did I see in her?"
> 
> Thats when the process goes from painful to interesting.


Good call, I'm seriously starting to consider that very notion.
Just need to rewire the conditioning now

R


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## richard_73

SamuraiJack said:


> Dont worry. Pretty soon you will be asking yourself "WTF did I see in her?"
> 
> Thats when the process goes from painful to interesting.


Think I got ahead of myself,
Had a few really bad days in a row this week. 
Logically I'm good but emotionally I still can't let go/don't want to let go. Damn tired.
R


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## SamuraiJack

richard_73 said:


> Think I got ahead of myself,
> Had a few really bad days in a row this week.
> Logically I'm good but emotionally I still can't let go/don't want to let go. Damn tired.
> R


I understand completely. I still have emotional strings that occasionally creep up.
Let yourself have bad days and good days and everything in between. Divorce is not a pleasant experience until you start to see all the stuff that was really wrong with things.

Emotional motivations can be tricky. Sometimes they will work against you. For those days, you have to pull back a little and remind yourself that this will not kill you.

Settle your shoulders, sit up straight and try to remeber how this will effect you in better ways. You know...the old "one door opens as another closes" speech 

It's true.
and every day...the hurt lessons just a little more.


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## richard_73

Thanks for the words. Seems to be days of numbness followed by a reality day where it all becomes horribly clear. 
I agree with the "one door opens" principle but I haven't accepted the first door is closed yet which is the root of my prob! Still feel like I could wake up any minute.
As you say jack, one day at a time.
R


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## Pluto2

Richard, there will be good days and bad days for a long time and you just have to let them happen. They should, because you are a human being with feelings. Divorce is a horrible, gut-wrenching process and there's no way around that. It does get better. But as others have said, time makes it easier. So what are you doing for you these days?


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## SamuraiJack

I had my good days and my "not so good" days. 

I found the key was really getting out there and doing something. In addition to therapy, I picked up a motorcycle. I find motrocycles particulary good for you because they force you to be in the moment. If your mind wanders on a bike...your gonna eat pavement.

Cleaning is also very good for therapy.
Something about taking control of your environment is quite good for you. One of my friends joked that I was "refeathering my love nest"...and I sort of was.
Nothing wrong with that. 

Mostly I was making my house into what I needed for ME.
I removed her stuff, assessed mine and then got busy. I changed out the couches, got a dining room table.
Totally replaced my marriage bed. 

Your house is one of the best reflections of who you truly are and women will know that when they come inside. They say a house is a direct reflection of it's owner.
Mine is rustic on the outside and a little messy on the inside...scattered would be a better term...

Take your time. Have good days and bad days and even mediocre days. When the anxiety hits, clean, build, organize and adapt.
Now is YOUR time.
There is nothing you can do to change this. It is a fact.
So try to enjoy it and live well.

I promise you, it will get better.

As Pluto so adeptly put it...What are you doing to help yourself along? Got a strategy in place?


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## richard_73

.....


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## hereinthemidwest

3Xnocharm said:


> You should not be hoping to meet someone to get you through this! You cannot lean on another woman. You have to learn to deal with this sh!t yourself! Replacing her with another woman is just that, its not going to do anything for YOU in the long run. You will be the same, only depending on a different person now.
> 
> And Alpha....gross. That makes you no better than them or her, you have stooped to their level.


:iagree: woohoo you tell him!


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## EnjoliWoman

SamuraiJack said:


> Mostly I was making my house into what I needed for ME.
> I removed her stuff, assessed mine and then got busy. I changed out the couches, got a dining room table.
> Totally replaced my marriage bed.
> 
> Your house is one of the best reflections of who you truly are and women will know that when they come inside. They say a house is a direct reflection of it's owner.
> Mine is rustic on the outside and a little messy on the inside...scattered would be a better term...


Ah yes.  I love not having anything left that reminds me of him at all.

And you're right about the house. Mine is uncluttered but not sterile; organized. Furnishings fairly traditional with occasional quirkiness and definitely homey, inviting and meant to be lived in. 

I think that reflects my personality rather appropriately - logical (mentally "neat" and uncluttered), traditional family values, comforting and a little imperfect.


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## SamuraiJack

Richard?....Hows things going?


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## COguy

Hey man, sorry you're going through this. Yes life will suck for a while. Eventually you'll wake up happy and thank her for making it obvious that you needed to end it. You don't want to be married to someone that would cheat.

It gets better, trust me. Whole lot of life out in this world just waiting for a single guy full of piss and vinegar to take advantage of it.


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