# Whats the deal



## dzed (Apr 14, 2018)

A couple years ago while i was still married I had an encounter at work with female coworker. It never got to sex but it was pretty heated emotionally with some kissing and the like. At the same time my marriage was failing. I ended up leaving my wife and subsequently divorced her. The co worker and I both confessed our feelings and then like a clam she shutdown. I couldn't get her to talk about anything. Our friendship went south. She would only talk to me at work if we "Bumped" into each other. And she would act like nothing happened. Though she would touch me a lot and stare at me from anywhere. But she never would just come looking for me to talk or text anymore. She would respond to my texts unless i brought "things" up she would ignore those. 

Admittedly I fell for this girl, first time i fell for anyone, never even fell for my ex wife like that. But like all dumb men i kept trying for about another month but i finally got some self respect and then i stopped. But the "Bumps" continued. I wouldn't get into a conversation with her if she started with me, i would just listen and barely be part of it. Mind you this person sits a row away so the "bumps" are often. I started dating after that, yea i had heavy feelings for the coworker but i wasn't going to stop moving forward with my life. I ended up getting with this other woman and living with her. The relationship was awful, she was the most jealous person i ever met. she was jealous of my ex wife ( i have no idea why), my parents, my nephews even my dog we finally broke up this past December. Meanwhile the coworker would still touch me and stare at me and all that. 

A year goes by I told her cut the **** (last april). And i started to ignore her. She still persisted. This past January I was tired of her persistence so I texted her "lets talk", i got an immediate reply ok. So after work we talked in my car. And any time i brought up anything about feelings it was like before, she clammed up. Stared at me like a dear in headlights. talking really slow and couldn't maintain eye contact. Continually blushing. I walked away from the conversation more confused than i was before. I tried again over text to get her to talk about her "us" and got nothing. but yet the other stuff continued. I lost my cool and blew up at her over text, said dont talk to me anymore, no more smiles, no more anything. She took a few days out of work over that, when she came back she hid from me or ran the other way when she saw me. 

But a month ago she started trying to talk again and the stares and little whisper HIs. I just ignore but she still tries. I dont think shes a bad person in fact shes a very giving loving person, that has been tossed aside by just about any man shes ever had, has two sons from men that dont help her even adopted a niece her brother abandoned. She volunteers for charity, ETC. good person but does this to me. I am dating again. But i admit this still bothers me, i still have feelings for her and i dont know why. I really want to make them go away. But i would love to understand what the hell is going on in her head too.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Sounds like she loved you for the rush of an affair with a married man, then once she had you, found herself in a position that she didn't want to be in the first place. Well done, you fked up.

Emotional affairs, that's how it tends to go.


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## salparadise (Sep 13, 2016)

She's infatuated with you but too shy and insecure to express or act on her feelings. I don't think it's any more mysterious than that. Her insecurities are debilitating to the point that she can't function in an interpersonal way. She probably wishes that you could see this and be patient, persistent, and reassuring enough to coax her out of the shell and have a relationship. I doubt that her issues will resolve though. She sounds like the kind of person that makes an easy target for abusers. If you are a fully functional person, I don't think you'd find her compatible. I do think that you should be sensitive and respectful, and don't keep leading her on. She may be dealing with stuff we can't even imagine.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Never date someone at work.

Problem solved.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

salparadise said:


> She's infatuated with you but too shy and insecure to express or act on her feelings. I don't think it's any more mysterious than that. Her insecurities are debilitating to the point that she can't function in an interpersonal way. She probably wishes that you could see this and be patient, persistent, and reassuring enough to coax her out of the shell and have a relationship. I doubt that her issues will resolve though. She sounds like the kind of person that makes an easy target for abusers. If you are a fully functional person, I don't think you'd find her compatible. I do think that you should be sensitive and respectful, and don't keep leading her on. She may be dealing with stuff we can't even imagine.



I agree with the above but also believe the OP isn't a "fully functional" emotionally mature person. 

OP this woman was your rebound/affair partner as your marriage was blowing up, while you recognize she is not good relationship material I imagine you have guilt over how the relationship began. If you admit to yourself that the woman is a mess what does that say about yourself that you chose her over working on your marriage? Maybe your marriage was truly over by that point but hooking up with her sure made it easier for you to exit right? That's part of the problem with affairs/rebound relationships, those relationships are more of an escape option than a building of love based on compatibility. When you learn your affair/rebound partner isn't the shining sun you had thought you become emotionally conflicted. You know this woman isn't right for you yet you can't cut her lose because you created an unhealthy emotional bond with her.

Emotionally mature people know enough not to get involved in affairs, they know when their life is an emotional wreck (like during a failing marriage) not to get involved in a relationship. Emotionally mature and responsible people don't screw around with people at work.

OP I think your best bet is to change jobs, go full no contact with this work woman, and in the future learn to look before you jump.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

She wisely is fighting the attraction she has for you. She's not had good experiences with relationships and thus does not trust herself. So she's avoiding you. 

She, like most poeple, cannot control who she is attracted to. What she can control is whether or not she gets involved with a man.


She does not want a relationship with you. Just leave her alone.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

People can have really weird attitudes about mating, so it is possible she is very generous and kind in other aspects of her life but has very destructive mating patterns.

Based on this likelihood, don't date her. Don't mislead her about your intentions and if the subject comes up tell her you aren't going there. Once that is off the table maybe you can be more straightforward w/ each other and if you become friends, fine.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Leave your co-worker alone. She's got problems. You need to move on.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

People want what they can't have. This is Game 101. Want the woman? Pay little attention to her.


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## dzed (Apr 14, 2018)

Cooper said:


> I agree with the above but also believe the OP isn't a "fully functional" emotionally mature person.
> 
> OP this woman was your rebound/affair partner as your marriage was blowing up, while you recognize she is not good relationship material I imagine you have guilt over how the relationship began. If you admit to yourself that the woman is a mess what does that say about yourself that you chose her over working on your marriage? Maybe your marriage was truly over by that point but hooking up with her sure made it easier for you to exit right? That's part of the problem with affairs/rebound relationships, those relationships are more of an escape option than a building of love based on compatibility. When you learn your affair/rebound partner isn't the shining sun you had thought you become emotionally conflicted. You know this woman isn't right for you yet you can't cut her lose because you created an unhealthy emotional bond with her.
> 
> ...


There was no fixing my marriage. I didn't leave my ex wife because of this woman. She isn't the first that i had a chance with in 16 years of marriage. I did my part in the marriage, I stayed by her , stuck to my vows and never cheated. She however was a drunk and a cheater which in time made me lose my love for her. I gave her many second chances which was dumb on my part and she failed them all. I had enough and started the plan to leave before things heated with the co worker. I left after that Christmas season to spare both family the drama during the season. The timing with the coworker was unfortunate but it happened. As of right now i am no contact with the co worker, it is her that "pokes the bear" with me. Im not sure anyone is fully functional but I think i am pretty close albeit imperfect. I am working on changing jobs but i do see that as running from the problem though even though its best.


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## dzed (Apr 14, 2018)

salparadise said:


> She's infatuated with you but too shy and insecure to express or act on her feelings. I don't think it's any more mysterious than that. Her insecurities are debilitating to the point that she can't function in an interpersonal way. She probably wishes that you could see this and be patient, persistent, and reassuring enough to coax her out of the shell and have a relationship. I doubt that her issues will resolve though. She sounds like the kind of person that makes an easy target for abusers. If you are a fully functional person, I don't think you'd find her compatible. I do think that you should be sensitive and respectful, and don't keep leading her on. She may be dealing with stuff we can't even imagine.


Thank you for your thoughtful non judgmental reply. I have suspected some of what you had said but I have never dealt with a person like that so I have no clue how to handle. I am not sure how i am leading her on though when she has done the "rejecting". I have been stern though because i do feel these thing are a two way street, she needs to come out of the shell a little on her own and i would be happy to go the rest of the way. But i dont see that happening. I do agree that she is dealing with things we cant imagine, i know she had dealt with abuse in her last long term relationship and was just treated like **** by the rest. I also think she dealt with some childhood stuff too though she never came out and told me that.


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## dzed (Apr 14, 2018)

chillymorn69 said:


> Never date someone at work.
> 
> Problem solved.


Unhelpful advice. IT happens. I know many good marriages that came from it and I know many failed relationships too. Your around these people more than your own family. ITs just the way it goes.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

dzed said:


> Unhelpful advice. IT happens. I know many good marriages that came from it and I know many failed relationships too. Your around these people more than your own family. ITs just the way it goes.


Reasons not to date at work.

1) after months of dating you or her decide this isn't working now you have to see them every day .

2) rumor mill gossip.

3) if you decide to break up and they are vandictive they might sabotage you at work or spread lies.

4) some companies have policies aginst it.


But hey if you don't like my advice its cool 

Andvare still married.
I'm pretty oldvand don't know many couples that met aworkt


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

dzed said:


> A couple years ago while i was still married I had an encounter at work with female coworker. It never got to sex but it was pretty heated emotionally with some kissing and the like. At the same time my marriage was failing. I ended up leaving my wife and subsequently divorced her. The co worker and I both confessed our feelings and then like a clam she shutdown. I couldn't get her to talk about anything. Our friendship went south. She would only talk to me at work if we "Bumped" into each other. And she would act like nothing happened. Though she would touch me a lot and stare at me from anywhere. But she never would just come looking for me to talk or text anymore. She would respond to my texts unless i brought "things" up she would ignore those.
> 
> Admittedly I fell for this girl, first time i fell for anyone, never even fell for my ex wife like that. But like all dumb men i kept trying for about another month but i finally got some self respect and then i stopped. But the "Bumps" continued. I wouldn't get into a conversation with her if she started with me, i would just listen and barely be part of it. Mind you this person sits a row away so the "bumps" are often. I started dating after that, yea i had heavy feelings for the coworker but i wasn't going to stop moving forward with my life. I ended up getting with this other woman and living with her. The relationship was awful, she was the most jealous person i ever met. she was jealous of my ex wife ( i have no idea why), my parents, my nephews even my dog we finally broke up this past December. Meanwhile the coworker would still touch me and stare at me and all that.
> 
> ...


*Had you expended the same emotional effort with your XW at home, that you provided this other woman at work, do you think that, perhaps, you would have been better off?*


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## dzed (Apr 14, 2018)

arbitrator said:


> *Had you expended the same emotional effort with your XW at home, that you provided this other woman at work, do you think that, perhaps, you would have been better off?*


I thought of that but my ex wife was a drunk bad and she cheated. I shut off my emotion to her long before i left.


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