# Today it begins



## Shorty619 (Dec 15, 2010)

Hello, I've been just kind of lurking for the past few weeks, reading everyone's stories, and trying to find some connections. I'll give some background here, I'll try to keep it short, but there is a lot, so bare with me:

J (husband) and I have been together for 10 years, and have been married for 7 years this month. 3 years ago J comes to me and tells me he's not happy, I ask him if he wants to separate, he says yes, I ask if he would be willing to go to counseling, he says yes, my idea of counseling was to try to work it out, his idea of counseling was just to try and give me closure and re-iterate how unhappy he was. The counselor we tried was didn't really try to help us work it out, she just basically said, well sounds like he doesn't want to work it out, so that's that. We stopped going after about 5 sessions. We continued on in our marriage back to "normal" I suppose for a couple years. He was in Missouri for some military training at the end of last year for 3 months, I thought things were going well, he comes back in January and tells me he still feels the same about our marriage, but at that point we still leave things up in the air, we'll see how it goes we said, and nothing was done.

Before Thanksgiving through a series of events, including me snooping through his phone (that would be one of the issues on my end) I found out he was thinking about moving out. I confronted him. I tell him, it's nice to know that you were planning this without telling me first. And I mean, it sounds terrible, but I wasn't shocked, because part of this has also been my fault. Not the part of him hiding this from me, but the part about me being passive about this. We DID talk about this in January, and after things were left up in the air, I CHOSE to sweep it under the rug. I still had this feeling deep down inside me that he could change his mind. Here's the back story on what he's told me more than once that he feels:

He's been unhappy for a while now with the notion of just being tied down. He insists it has nothing to do with seeing other women at all, he just wants to be on his own, and have his own life, and not have to call someone to let them know where he's at, not have to depend on someone else in a partnership, not have to base life decisions with someone else in mind as well. He says he cares about me and has much love for me, but he doesn't feel it's in the sense that he wants to spend the next 20 years with me in a marriage. And even though he has experienced moments of happiness in the past 3 years since the first time he brought this to my attention, it hasn't been sustainable, he keeps going back to feeling unhappy." This is the part that kills me, I mean of course besides being pissed for him telling some girlie that he's in the process of separating, no matter how hard I try I can't be pissed at him for how he "feel" about our marriage. I feel nothing but just hurt. Hurt that I can't make him happy, hurt that he feels he doesn't want to be married to me anymore, hurt that I don't have a magic wand to make him change his feelings. I mean, after all, up until this last time, he HAS been honest with me, he's told me how he feels, not like he tried to hide it, we have just both been so passive to actually do anything further than express how we both feel. And what kills me the most is how much I truly feel he's like my best friend. We GET ALONG GREAT. We have so much in common, we have such fun together, we have great times, and we even have good sex. I asked him about the times this past year where he's been so thoughtful and loving, things he has said to me, plans he was making with me for the future, he said he didn't know, he was in the moment. I told him, if he was "faking" any of that then he should win the academy award for best fake loving someone, because he sure fooled me. BUT ONCE AGAIN, also my fault for basically tricking myself into thinking things were gonna work out and that he had magically changed his mind and wanted our marriage to work now, instead of me confronting him and ASKING him where we were in our marriage, knowing what he had just told me in January. And then also mad that HE also didn't bring it up either, we both again just kind of let it ride so to speak. And it just built up again inside him, and here we are.

After some discussion, we mutually agreed on a Trial Separation. He's not happy, hasn't been truly content for years, and doesn't remember at this point when he last was. One question I asked gave me a harsh answer that I needed to hear, if you didn't want to be married, why did you marry me to begin with, the answer was, at this point I don't know anymore. I thought it was what I wanted at the time. There were a lot of I don't knows, I thought that's what I wanted, I didn't know what I would feel like down the line, I've never gotten used to the idea of being married, I don't know what I want for myself, I do care for you, I do think we make a great team and are good together, but I just don't feel we are meant to BE together (i tried to get more info from him on that last part, but he couldn't come up with a good description of what that mean, he just said it's what he felt, he couldn't describe it), etc etc etc. He grew up in group homes, and being bounced around by his mother (father was never in the picture) and was out on his own on the streets of NYC since he was 16. I know this has a lot to do with a lot of his own internal demons, but at this point he is desensitized to any type of counseling. He grew up going to counselors all the time, and to him they were all the same, and never did anything for him but cause him more grief. I don't know at this point what he needs, but whatever it is, its clear he can't get it from me or our relationship.

We decided to move forward with holiday plans which included a trip to NYC for Xmas to visit his family, but that as soon as we returned he would move out. We did lay down a couple of rules for the separation, one being that we wouldn't date other people, and second that we would set up times at least once every couple weeks to meet up for a 'date" or whatever to just talk and spend some time together. We said that around summer time we'd re-evaluate things to see if there is any chance for reconciliation. Right before our trip he found a person from his military unit that was renting a big 3 bedroom house and was looking for roomates, so he took the opportunity. Since new year's he's been working on getting that squared away and slowly taking his things over there. 

Last night he walked out the door, and spent his first night at his new house. He still has some stuff left at the apt he hasn't taken yet, a few clothing items, dvd's, video games and such, but he'll be taking those throughout the week after he gets out of work. I've been pretty numb all week, but last night it hit me like a ton of brick, my face was swollen not only because I've been sick as a dog all weekend, but from crying all evening. We ate dinner and talked a little bit before he left. We've been amicable through it all, after all we do still care very much about each other, and he's been more than open to communicating with me. But it doesn't hurt any less.

My head was throbbing, I called my sister and she came over for a bit, I hadn't told any of my family yet, so I told her last night, and she consoled me a bit before she left. Now here I am, alone sigh. I moved some stuff around in the bedroom just to make things different, but I slept on the couch last night, I just couldn't bring myself over to the bed, at least on the couch I was able to leave the TV on all night. Not that I slept much any way because I was still battling my cold through the night with coughing and congestion, so that didn't help the situation, especially since my eyes were already all puffy from all the crying I did last night. 

I'm at work now and it's been a challenging morning but I'm going to do my best to just keep as busy as I can here at work, even though I"m dreading going home tonight. J told me he was going to come by after work to pick up more stuff and check his finances on the computer (it's his computer that he hasn't taken yet). He gets out of work before me, so I'll probably lag a bit after work just so he's not there when I get home. He said if I wanted him to call me or text me to let me know when he was gonna be here until, I told him no that I would probably just go to the gym after work anyway so I will likely not see him before he leave. And I was going to go to the gym, but I forgot my gym bag at home, and I'm still feeling pretty crappy so I dunno. I guess at this point if I see him I see him, it's whatever. 

I thought about calling in sick, but honestly, I pretty much spent most of the weekend on my couch while he was gone most of the weekend doing his navy reserve duty, except for the couple hours I went to a family function Saturday night, but I cut that short cuz I was feeling so crappy. I just don't feel like doing that again today, I just feel like I"m falling into some crazy depressed state when I'm just zombielike on the couch watching TV. I just feel so lost right now, I feel like I'm just wandering the planet with no direction, like a little girl who accidentally let go of her mom's hand at the mall and has been left standing in the middle of this big scary world not knowing what to do next.

I guess things will get better, but it's nearly impossible for me to see that right now, right now it just sucks. All I can think of right now is that I want my life back, and wondering if I will ever get to sleep in the same bed as my husband ever again 

If you have read my novel this far, thank you, I will be visiting this site a lot more I'm sure.

PS: I forgot to add, there are no children involved. neither of us has wanted to have children up to this point, just hasn't been something either of us desired.


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry also that you are losing your best friend, it makes it even more painful when you two are so compatible.

It seems to have been percolating for some time now, years in fact, I know that doesn't make it easier, it's just that he seems so calm about all of this.

I wish I had something more comforting to say, I will be here to listen though.


::hugs::


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## Shorty619 (Dec 15, 2010)

You are right chef, I do believe in my heart that for the past 3 years, and possibly before, when he first brought this "unhappiness" to my attention, that he's always perhaps felt like it would come to this regardless of my efforts to keep our marriage alive. And as much as it hurts I know now that this needed to happen, and even though he sees my pain, I know he feels that too, and because of the length of time that we've been dealing with this, perhaps that's why he has this sense of calmness.

I asked him how he felt about everything at this point, because I'm agonizing over it since I"m on the end of the person being left, and I don't have much else going on besides work. He told me at this point he's just trying to get himself settled, financially and in this new place, and is working on trying to get back to school to get his Bachelor's, so he hasn't had much time to dwell on it. We are both 32 years old, not young, but not old by any means, so he feels we still have some growing up to do, I suppose he could be right, because since the age of 21 my world has been with him as my partner. I try to look at the positive side of things, but it's just too difficult to see that right now.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Sorry for your pain...after 25 years, my wife moved out a few months ago...hurts like hell, things get better, then I hurt like hell again...right now, things look like we are going to get back together...

Take care of yourself, be selfish...spoil yourself...you are still young and a lifetime is in front of you...it will get better!


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## Shorty619 (Dec 15, 2010)

I slept on the couch again last night....

After work I went home, as I was pulling into the garage I saw that he was there getting ready to head out. I suppose he thought he'd be gone by the time I got there. I got out of the car and he said hi shyly, like he wanted to give me a hug but held back. I said hi and asked him if he was heading out, he said yes. He came by to check his finances on the computer and pay some bills and get a few more things. We chit chatted for a minute about how our days went at work. Then I asked him how his first night was, he was wearing some ratty sweats and looked really tired. He said he didn't sleep well (he often doesn't sleep well though so I'm not taking this as some sign of anguish) and that he just wanted to take a nap that he was feeling exhausted. I asked him if he was planning on coming back this week to get more things, he said most likely but that he'd let me know ahead of time, which I appreciate. Finally we said our goodbyes and he approached me and we hugged. I tried really hard to hold back the tears, just a couple trickled down, and I told him see you when I see you.

It was tough to say see you later, but I supposed it was a little less hard than it was the first night. I decided to go to a laundermat to wash the comforter on the bed because it hasn't been washed in a long time. I figured maybe that would help trigger me to want to sleep on the bed. Then as I was at the laundermat I had the bright idea to go cut my hair across the streets at the supercuts. I was just gonna get a trim at first, but decided to be more drastic this time. I don't hate it, but I'm still getting used to it. 

After I got home by the time 10pm rolled around I just didn't feel like going to the bed again. I was just feeling kind of numb at that point, still sad, but still that feeling of lostness I guess. 

I suppose that eventually, when there is no longer any of his stuff at all in the apartment and we don't have regular run-ins perhaps it will be different. Just the transition period right now is....I don't know how to describe it, I really can't describe how I feel. It's like he's gone now, but he's not. It's real, but it's not. Sigh....I just want my husband back :-(


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

I understand all too well how you feel. I've been there and I still feel at times that I am still there. I don't know what works to feel better. I still miss him, and I still want to work things out with mine, but he moves on as if we never happen. Makes me sad.


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