# New here and the cheater



## goggles (Jun 24, 2012)

I'm the one who had the ONS...I am the wife...my husband is away on business...it happened 1 week ago.

I was drunk, and screwed up. My friends actually pushed me in that direction and egged me and the dude on. 

I told my husband 1/2 last week and the rest today. I didn't have the courage to tell him all at once. I am weak, and I am wrong, I am sorry it happened. When it happened...I knew it was wrong but I felt like I was falling down the stairs and couldn't stop. 

we have 5 kids, and have been married for almost 13 years. I don't know what to do. I started IC last week. He will not be home from his job until Feb., so we can't go to MC right now. 

What do I do? I am so torn up. I am willing to do whatever it takes to save our family. I can't believe I was so stupid. 

Can you help?


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## Barnowl (May 31, 2012)

There will be a lot of good advice, and a lot of advice you won't want to hear. The important thing now is that you make sure to do everything you can to show true remorse, and begin the rebuilding process with your family. It is going to take time...lots of time. Good luck. I am in your shoes too in a way (as the cheater) but we are about 6 weeks past discovery day, and it is like it happened yesterday. Still so raw.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Stay off the alcohol and lose your toxic friends. You have no excuse for doing what you did -- but those two factors above didn't help your judgement.

Good luck !!


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Stay Away from those friends of yours because they are not friends, friends don't willingly help sabotage a friend's marriage.

Words won't mean a thing to your husband, Actions speak louder than words so let your actions do the talking

You could have stopped if you wanted to but hindsight is not really helpful. Practice more self control, stop going to ladies night outs especially with that group, Have some restraint over your alcohol intake

The ultimate gift you can give at this point to your husband is the choice to divorce you or continue this marriage

There are plenty of Sex toys available out there so the next time you're feeling in the mood use one of them or schedule an online sex session with your husband

It's good that you've acknowledged your mistake, be strong for your husband and take whatever he's going to dish out on you


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Is your husband away from your home a lot?


you need to ditch those "friends" and that's a lame excuse by all standards


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your friends---are they still your friends---what kind of friends would they be---the kind, that enjoys watching 5 kids, go to split homes, if that is where this all ends up

What could you have been thinking, you have no right to any excuse

I don't know where you are, as to your mge., with your H., but what kind of mother does what you did to your kids

How has your H., handled what you just dumped on him---I am sure, that not only have you wrecked his life, but now how is it that you would expect him to do his job, by the way, would that be the job, that allows you to have a home to live in, food on your plate, gas in your car, so you can drive to where ever it is is you went to to get drunk, and spread your legs for a total stranger---or did you know the scumbag that you had sex with

I would hope, if you are serious about trying to put the pieces back together, there will never be one iota of contact, with your scumbag partner---I would hope you will go full NC, with each and everyone of your so called friends, tell me, do you thinki those friends will take care of you when, you are in your senior years---I doubt it, but you sure let them take care of you now

But lets get serious here---you are a grown woman, with a functioning brain---so friends egging you on---so what---do you not know what the word NO means

Get yourself tested for STD

I have no idea, what you can do, as you are away from your working, innocent, husband for the next 7 months

One thing for sure---you need to get some professional help, and find out why, you let all these POS, wreck your life, the lives of your kids, and of your H

By the way alcohol, had nothing to do with anything!!!!!!!!---And do not say this was a mistake--it was a series of planned decisions by you, and NO ONE ELSE!!!!!!!


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Get yourself tested for STD


^this


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## goggles (Jun 24, 2012)

He has been gone a lot over the last 3 years...

I've ditched the "friends", ditched the drinking, and have taken what he dishes out...we talk via instant messenger last. I didn't know what to say back to him...I answered all his questions, repeated that I was sorry, that I screwed up. I didn't want to be silent, I wanted him to know I was listening. He said it didn't help-- him yelling at me, via IM. 
we both feel like it's a dream

he said he's not ready to give up on our marriage, yet.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

They are not your friends.

Friends do not encourage someone to risk getting an STD.

Where were you friends? Did one of them 'help' the situation along with a date rape drug? (Just a thought...)

Friends do not help risk a marriage with five children.

Those friends must be gotten rid of. Now. Not next week, not tomorrow, but now.

Tell them never to contact you again.

Be open and honest with your husband.

When I screwed up -in a similar way to you- I was devastated at how STUPID I had been.

So I 'phoned a female friend for advice she said: "Matt! You IDIOT! What were you thinking? How could you have been so Stupid?"

She told me to tell my wife everything. Which I did.

Had I not told her, or lied or let the details dribble out over time, I believe it would have destroyed my relationship.

Your husband deserves to know what happened.

Yes, your husband might want a divorce. Well, that's the risk we take when we decide to cheat.

God bless and good luck to you, your husband and your children.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Get yourself tested for STD and keep the test result to show your husband. You'll need to get retested for HIV in about 5 months.

There's not much to do now till your husband decides what he wants.

Your family dynamics are unknown to us, so some advice given may not be appropriate.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

give him each and every detail about the encounter that you can remember I'm sure you can. Get yourself tested ASAP. Buckle up cause if you're in it for the long haul, the next few months are going to be crazy,

Grab "Not Just Friends"
"His Needs Her Needs" 

And I believe there's also a book meant for the WS to help the BS heal, the name escapes me

Give him complete access to all your online accounts and block out your "friends" on Fb and any other social network and email account

Any affair recovery material that you can get hold of now can and will help you in the long run


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

First off, don't expect any quick healing from your husband for if the roles were reversed you wouldn't expect to heal from his ONS overnight, would you?

Lastly, please read the following and follow it.



> *"How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Affair"*
> 
> *#1 Stop lying or making excuses for your actions.* If the victim spouse presents evidence of the affair, own up to it. You need to understand that the worst thing that could happen has already occurred. You were dishonest and unfaithful. Therefore, continuing to lie, twist, or deny is simply adding insult to injury. If you are looking your spouse in the eye and claiming to want the marriage to work then you cannot continue to lie about various odds and ends. You have been lying to your spouse for the entire duration of the affair; therefore, if you continue to lie now, it sets the reconciliation process way back. ''The victim spouse likely knows the answers to the questions they are asking, or can usually find out, so if you are interested in rebuilding trust in the relationship, '''STOP LYING'''.'' If your spouse discovers later - either on purpose or by accident - that you have lied about or left out salient details, they will likely never trust you again. Your only hope of regaining their trust is to give them the truth wholesale, and thus demonstrate your commitment to being honest with them, even about things that might hurt them. You are kidding yourself if you think you are protecting your spouse by "omitting" certain truths. If you had wanted to protect your spouse, you never would have allowed them to get hurt in the first place.
> 
> ...


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

You need to tell your husband to change his business arrangements. The fact you hashed this out over IM speaks volumes. Him being away until February is unreasonable, especially in light of these circumstances.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I don't know what you can really do from afar---but right now, and if you do not see him for the next 7 months----your major enemy, and the enemy of your mge---is gonna be your H. sub--conscious-----it is just gonna go to town---his imagination is gonna run wild, the visions, will be everywhere---and at this point I have no idea, how you can counter that.

You need to do some heavy reasearch on how to help a cheated upon spouse, who is away working , and not home for the next 7 months


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## goggles (Jun 24, 2012)

morituri said:


> First off, don't expect any quick healing from your husband for if the roles were reversed you wouldn't expect to heal from his ONS overnight, would you?
> 
> Lastly, please read the following and follow it.


thank you for this...

I guess I don't know what else to say...


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## goggles (Jun 24, 2012)

Complexity said:


> You need to tell your husband to change his business arrangements. The fact you hashed this out over IM speaks volumes. Him being away until February is unreasonable, especially in light of these circumstances.


this is not possible...he does not choose when he goes away


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Start with what you can do now to affair proof your marriage, and get the preventive maintence so you understand why you have these lack of boundries.

The excuse was the booze, whats the reason for the behavior?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Please don't tell us your H., is in the military, and deployed, like putting his life on the line for this country---cuz if THAT is so, I have nothing else to say to you.!!!!!!!!!!


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## goggles (Jun 24, 2012)

the guy said:


> Start with what you can do now to affair proof your marriage, and get the preventive maintence so you understand why you have these lack of boundries.
> 
> The excuse was the booze, whats the reason for the behavior?


I see what you are saying...this is going to take some thought...anything I come up with is either irrational or just another excuse.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

goggles said:


> this is not possible...he does not choose when he goes away


The reason I say this is because when your husband is away constantly, it gives rise to situations like this. 

Women typically need constant attention and we often read stories on here about how their husbands were away and they got lonely. Not to excuse your actions but unless the both of you live a functional marriage, not a long distance one, you'll more than likely fall prey to situations like this again.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Good advice already given!! Too late now but this husband would NEVER want to know about a ONS, but it's too late now.

Depending on your husbands ability to forgive and believe your sincerity it may take a months it may take years to get back to where you guys were.

If nothing was said things would be the same


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Not true, i'd rather have my wife admit to any transgressions so that I have the ability to choose my next course of action

I wouldn't want to live a lie for the rest of my life, if she got away with it once she could get away with it a hundred times.

I think telling the husband was a very brave and honest thing to do on her part


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

OhGeesh said:


> Good advice already given!! Too late now but this husband would NEVER want to know about a ONS, but it's too late now.
> 
> Depending on your husbands ability to forgive and believe your sincerity it may take a months it may take years to get back to where you guys were.
> 
> If nothing was said things would be the same


OhGeesh!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I agree with anonymouskitty in that it took guts on your part to tell your husband what you did. Many, men and women, are deadly afraid their spouse will leave him/her and keep it a secret which ends up eating many them alive. You fvcked up but you owned your bad choice (not mistake) by coming clean and that is the first step in R (reconciliation) and to re-establish his trust in you.


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## goggles (Jun 24, 2012)

at least i can say I did one thing right :/


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

OhGeesh said:


> If nothing was said things would be the same


Would it be better if his husband found it out years later from someone else?


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

99-year-old divorces wife after he discovered 1940s affair - Telegraph

there you go


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I suppose this is the book some postar was talking about.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful 
E-book version ----> Here


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

goggles said:


> this is not possible...he does not choose when he goes away


So you're a dependent wife while your husband is in the military and deployed I take it.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Get the book "After the Affair". Don't ever lie to your husband when he asks a question. Don't hide behind the excuse of not wanting to hurt him.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

OhGeesh said:


> Good advice already given!! Too late now but this husband would NEVER want to know about a ONS, but it's too late now.


I completely disagree. Some men it may be true, though I don't think it would be many men who would not want to know.

It isn't the sex, it is the betrayal that is the problem. So another lie makes it even worse. Hiding it is lying, and chances are he would find out eventually.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Complexity said:


> The reason I say this is because when your husband is away constantly, it gives rise to situations like this.
> 
> Women typically need constant attention and we often read stories on here about how their husbands were away and they got lonely. Not to excuse your actions but unless the both of you live a functional marriage, not a long distance one, you'll more than likely fall prey to situations like this again.


I agree with your advice in this situation. 

But I need to tell you that it is not true that all women need constant attention.

I was very content to be alone and had no trouble entertaining myself when my spouse was away on men's only camping trips (supposedly now know some of those men's trips were OW trips.)

I had a lot of things to do that kept my mind occupied. 

I always missed him when he was away, but I never felt neglected. I wanted him to be happy doing things that he enjoyed that I did not enjoy all that much, like rugged camping.

The thought to cheat because he wanted to engage in a recreational activity like very rugged camping locals that I did not like all that much cause there was no place to shower on the real rugged trips, never crossed my mind. 

I truly did not need a lot of attention in order to stay faithful.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

goggles said:


> I'm the one who had the ONS...I am the wife...my husband is away on business...it happened 1 week ago.
> 
> I was drunk, and screwed up. My friends actually pushed me in that direction and egged me and the dude on.
> 
> ...


I am reading between the lines. Your husband is deployed right? 

First of all dump the friends they are not friends if they want you to f another man. Next get to the doctors and get checked for and STD, I do not care if he wore a rubber. Get yourself into IC right now.

I can understand how hard it would be to be without your husband but why are you going out drinking while he is gone? Why would your so called friends want you to f another guy? Why would you risk your family (5 kids) for a ONS?

Did you cheat with another guy from the military? Yes go to the base chp and get him to file a no contact order.

You need to make sure you are honest with your husband and tell your parents someone that is here needs to hold you accountable.

Fix this it is on your shoulders


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

I am just curious as to how things progressed. I mean was this the first time you met this guy? How did your friends get involved? Did the friends know your husband well? I hear what you are saying and I don't feel sorry for you. You shouldn't be asking people to feel sorry for you. You should be focusing on your H now. The guilt is there for a reason and you will have to learn to live with it. May be if you are more open about it, and don't trickle truth, you might be able to really dig into the Y? Friends egging you on is one thing but this didn't just happened. Something in your marriage lead up to this, What is it and how did you get there?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Did you do it at your home?


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## goggles (Jun 24, 2012)

Thank you for the helpful links and the advice that has been given...


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I hope it does help. I am an old fashioned guy that likes to think of marriage is forever. You made 5 kids with this guy you must love him.

The hard part is going to be fixing it. You both will need MC and IC to get through this. Be honest with him when he asked questions. My wife tried to spare my feelings and it makes things harder.

Did you dump the so called friends?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

goggles said:


> Thank you for the helpful links and the advice that has been given...


Strange single sentence answers. There's more about this than you're letting on, like you're hiding something or TT'ing people here.


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## goggles (Jun 24, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Strange single sentence answers. There's more about this than you're letting on, like you're hiding something or TT'ing people here.


you're right I'm not telling you guys everything you are not my husband I do not have to answer all of your questions...I do not appreciate the negative comments about what I have done...I'm already beating myself up about it, and I don't need more...I said thanks to those who gave helpful, not hurtful comments.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

goggles said:


> you're right I'm not telling you guys everything you are not my husband I do not have to answer all of your questions...I do not appreciate the negative comments about what I have done...I'm already beating myself up about it, and I don't need more...I said thanks to those who gave helpful, not hurtful comments.


Is there any update goggles, did you talk to him about changing his business arrangements?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

goggles said:


> you're right I'm not telling you guys everything you are not my husband I do not have to answer all of your questions...I do not appreciate the negative comments about what I have done...I'm already beating myself up about it, and I don't need more...I said thanks to those who gave helpful, not hurtful comments.


*You came HERE for help*, or did you forget that? If you can't come clean here then how can you give your BH full disclosure. If you want to be coddled, then you've come to the wrong forum. But if you're willing to do anything to save your marriage *like you claimed to*, you will be willing to listen to all comments, whether they hurt you or not. Otherwise you're just another unremorseful cheater who doesn't want to be judged or feel the consequences of their actions.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

goggles said:


> you're right I'm not telling you guys everything you are not my husband I do not have to answer all of your questions...I do not appreciate the negative comments about what I have done...I'm already beating myself up about it, and I don't need more...I said thanks to those who gave helpful, not hurtful comments.


This can be great site to deal with issues if you are honest. I am sure you are beating yourself up but it is human nature to avoid the hard things in life. Like the issue with your friends. Things are really only going to work with your husband, it that is your intentions to be open about everything.

No one here knows you and you are holding things back. So what are you going to do when you really need to be honest with your husband. That has to be a lot harder the talking with nameless faceless people on this board.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

mahike said:


> No one here knows you and you are holding things back. So what are you going to do when you really need to be honest with your husband. That has to be a lot harder the talking with nameless faceless people on this board.


:iagree:

No one here knows her and her husband in real life. If she can't come clean then she isn't going to be honest to her BH in the real world.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

No gory details are being asked of you but simply to state if there was more going on with the OM before and after the ONS. Your husband may end up asking you this and it would be better for you if you were prepared to answer his question(s) by stating the facts here first.


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## goggles (Jun 24, 2012)

I understand what you are saying, however, what impact does me revealing what my husband's specific job is have to do with anything? I will not answer what his job is. I did not come here to be coddled, I came for advice...tearing me down calling me a 2 bit ***** gets nowhere in healing from my indiscretion...

No, this did not happen at our home. My kids were not around. 

I have told my husband everything...he asks I answer...I have done everything he asks of me...

and YES, if you read up further...the friends are dumped...I do not have contact with the dude...i've had an STD check...


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Good luck! It took a lot of courage to be so upfront right away to your husband. I do think your headed in the right direction.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Just to put it into perspective concerning the "Negative Comments". Your husband for the rest of his life will have Triggers where he will think about your Cheating on him. Remember those Vows you tossed out the window because you CHOSE to have the affair and Alcohol is not an excuse.

A lot of posters on this site live through these Triggers every day and when someone throws away a Marriage because they CHOSE to do those actions, it really upsets them and they want to let you know how much you DESTROYED not only what was Sacred to your husband but was also Sacred to them.

It is hard to get a grasp around how with all that everyone knows how a person can be so Selfish to harm the person they took vows with as well as their children, family and others.

So you received a few negative comments. I would have rather received a few negative comments it is easier to deal with then being a BS.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

goggles said:


> tearing me down calling me a 2 bit ***** gets nowhere in healing from my indiscretion...


I don't see anywhere where anyone tore you down and called you a 2 bit *****? Even here you're re-writing history.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

goggles you misunderstand LM's statement. Us being strangers can give you a neutral answer to whatever questions you pose, But we can't offer solutions based only on whatever information you've given us minus whatever it is you're not willing to share.

As mori said no gory details, just the truth in its entirety will help us in making better sense of your situation and the faster that happens the better the responses will be, and that may actually help you in resolving the situation in a more effective manner


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## goggles (Jun 24, 2012)

morituri said:


> No gory details are being asked of you but simply to state if there was more going on with the OM before and after the ONS. Your husband may end up asking you this and it would be better for you if you were prepared to answer his question(s) by stating the facts here first.


we cross posted...

nothing going on with OM before or after the ONS...I met him one time about 6 months ago at a party at the "friend's" house...I have not had contact with him since the ONS...the only way I can get ahold of him is if I ask the "friend" for his number...which since I have no contact with her either...not gonna happen.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I suggest you read sayjellybeans' thread

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/49580-his-resentment-my-guilt-please-help.html

Being defensive and secretive isn't going to get you the best responses.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Strange single sentence answers. There's more about this than you're letting on, like you're hiding something or TT'ing people here.


My exact feelings. A lot is missing. A lot of calculated steps - like informing her H the episode in two sessions. The friends pushing her into that event. Alcohol.

And especially a sense of relief in "So I did something right ...". Where is the place for remorse?


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

The reason we ask details also is because a lot of people are familiar with trickle truth. You are not the only cheater on here that comes clean asking for advice. You are literally talking to BS's, Cheaters, and reconcilers. We are familiar with the progression. We ask because here you are anonymous. Telling the whole truth here, IMO through see other people make full confessions,makes it a lot easier to tell it in the real world. where you have to see the hurt and the pain your actions have caused. You came for advice and in order to give advice we need to know the whole situation. 
No one here is a home wrecker or a snoop. We are just asking you the same questions I would and have asked my wife about her EA. thank Goodness i caught her EA early. 
Everyone here is willing to listen provided you are willing to speak.

ONS with a random guy b/c you were egged on by friends and drunk is going to be a hard pill to swallow. I mean if my wife had a ONS in a situation like this it would be worse than a EA turned PA. In other words you slept with guy you don't know randomly. So there is no way to tell if you will do this again with another random guy. It would be one thing if you knew this guy and there was some back story to it. 
Keep in mind when your H finds out he may very well find this site. I am a computer tech I can tell him how to recover deleted files, hack into passworded computer profiles, check phone records, and other tricks. If you are just trying to minimalize what happened it will backfire.


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

JNJ Express, Matt Matt and countless other posts here are correct, and have gave some very good advice. I have one question..."Is the 'dude' you were with a friend of these other friends, also?" These are not friends. He is surely not a friend and the real choice here is if you will blame your mistake on others. It is no ones fault that you find yourself in this place except you. Do not get me wrong. I wish you were not here, and finding yourself in such a horrible mess. I feel more so for your dear hubby! Though the friends are really not to blame, they should have been supportive in the ethical manner. Such would have been... "No, we are seeing this lady home safely tonight, boys!!!" Please do take the advice, i.e. get checked for STD's, alcohol counseling, and find out through whatever means a support plan to help your husband upon his return home. My thoughts are with you and yours, only hoping for the best outcome here! Take care and I hope you find some resolve for this situation. I know it can't be easy filling your shoes. I do believe you are remorseful for your actions. So sorry you are here! Ben!


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## goggles (Jun 24, 2012)

I'm starting to get confused... I keep reading "when I tell..." I already told him... I came here after I told
Dump the friends... Done
Take full responsibility....I said
I was drunk...not good excuse.... I was lonely and wanted attention-- whoever posted that reason hit the nail on the head, wanting to escape from my current stressful life, absolutely, unfortunately, I made it worse. 
Im also confused why the same questions are being asked after I answered them?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

goggles said:


> I'm starting to get confused... I keep reading "when I tell..." I already told him... I came here after I told
> Dump the friends... Done
> Take full responsibility....I said
> I was drunk...not good excuse.... I was lonely and wanted attention-- whoever posted that reason hit the nail on the head, wanting to escape from my current stressful life, absolutely, unfortunately, I made it worse.
> Im also confused why the same questions are being asked after I answered them?


Did you read my question? or is it too intrusive?


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

goggles said:


> you're right I'm not telling you guys everything you are not my husband I do not have to answer all of your questions...I do not appreciate the negative comments about what I have done...I'm already beating myself up about it, and I don't need more...I said thanks to those who gave helpful, not hurtful comments.


Googles, the posters here are not beating you up, they are simply wanting you to be forthright about things. There is good advice here, take it! You have to be totally honest with yourself... How else can you handle your husbands reactions once he is returned home? Get yourself well so you can handle the future outcome... whatever may come. Five children... get your mind healthy! Good luck! I know you are hurting. I know that the friends were ditched. Good for you.


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## goggles (Jun 24, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Did you read my question? or is it too intrusive?


Still finding my way around.. Seeming to cross post...
He's working on it... That's all I know from him.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

goggles said:


> you're right I'm not telling you guys everything you are not my husband I do not have to answer all of your questions...I do not appreciate the negative comments about what I have done...I'm already beating myself up about it, and I don't need more...I said thanks to those who gave helpful, not hurtful comments.



Whoa..Whoa... Now, hold on a minute. You're coming to a forum where a lot of us have been cut to the core by the same kind of actions that you've committed on your husband. So, you have to understand (and you're going to with your husband) that your story can cause triggers for people that may have a similar story to your own. So, they may lash out. It happens and it's normal so you better get used to it because it's going to happen to your husband. 

You can be sitting there cuddling on the couch watching TV and a TGIF commerical comes on then all of the sudden, he losses his damn mind! All it took was seeing a commerical of people out having a good time at a restuarant and out of nowhere he connects those people in the commerical to the time you went out with your girlfriends and you allowed another man inside you. Sounds stupid and weird, BUT IT HAPPENS!!! And a lot of the time, it's completely out of the blue and out of left field! 

Your husband is going on a roller coaster ride. And it's called the roller coaster of emotions. One minute he'll be laughing, then the next minute he's crying. One minute he'll be happy, then the next minute he'll be angry as hell. One minute he'll tell you that he doesn't want the marriage to end and the next he'll be talking divorce. One minute he'll tell you he loves you and the next minute he's calling you a cheating sl*t. No one know how long this ride last, different strokes for different folks. But, the question is if you're strong enough to ride this ride with him.

To be honest, if you think some of these posters are harsh. Chances are they are NOTHING close to what your husband may say. Right now, he wants you to know how bad he's hurting right now and he may what you to feel as bad as he does. And may say the most vile and hurtful things to you. This would be a normal response. Doesn't make it hurt any less, but normal.

Now, here's the rub of it. You were in the drivers seat as far as your affair (ONS or whatever you want to call it). You made the choice to cheat and you did. Now, your husband is in the drivers seat as far as where this marriage goes. This isn't up to you. Right now, you don't have a marriage. That ended the moment you let the two of you become three. You knocked down the house that you two built and there's nothing left but a foundation. It's up to him whether he wants to try and rebuild on it or not.


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

crossbar said:


> Whoa..Whoa... Now, hold on a minute. You're coming to a forum where a lot of us have been cut to the core by the same kind of actions that you've committed on your husband. So, you have to understand (and you're going to with your husband) that your story can cause triggers for people that may have a similar story to your own. So, they may lash out. It happens and it's normal so you better get used to it because it's going to happen to your husband.
> 
> You can be sitting there cuddling on the couch watching TV and a TGIF commerical comes on then all of the sudden, he losses his damn mind! All it took was seeing a commerical of people out having a good time at a restuarant and out of nowhere he connects those people in the commerical to the time you went out with your girlfriends and you allowed another man inside you. Sounds stupid and weird, BUT IT HAPPENS!!! And a lot of the time, it's completely out of the blue and out of left field!
> 
> ...


He is totally correct. And I quote myself..."Get your mind healthy! Your husbands reactions will be much harder to take!" Take care!!!


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

You seem like a fighter...and that's good.

But after you cheat you have to drop the gloves and stick your chin out. You're husband is going to throw verbal and emotional haymakers at you as part of the healing process. If you're serious about reconciling, you have to take the punches.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

goggles said:


> you're right I'm not telling you guys everything you are not my husband I do not have to answer all of your questions...I do not appreciate the negative comments about what I have done...I'm already beating myself up about it, and I don't need more...I said thanks to those who gave helpful, not hurtful comments.


Goggles, I for one give you credit for coming forth and doing the right thing in telling your husband of the ONS.

What you are hearing is a lot of anger from members here _at their own spouse_ for not handling D-Day and the aftermath well. In other words, they are screaming for you to do things the right way in reconciling your marriage because they so sincerely want you and your husband to succeed.

I don't think anybody posting here is antagonistic to your success.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Sorry but I am jumping back in

I stated that he is probably in the military and deployed---since that post of mine she has repeatedly ducked that question---but if you think about her clues---he's there till feb.---no one has a job that keeps them away during holiday periods---he has no choice about where he goes---that can only be military------so no matter what ---this so called wife/mother---has cheated on her H., who is deployed, in the field fighting a war---and now on top of all his other problems of trying to stay alive---he has to deal with a cheating wife, back home---who is lonely---so she cheats----sorry she gets no sympathy---

He is already in harms way--and she has put him much deeper in harms way---and he can do nothing about anything for the next SEVEN months-------Is that what a good wife and mother does to her H., and kids

You guys do what you will in giving her advice---but you are also being given trickle truth and lies by ommission from her, right here in this thread----if she can't be straight here---what is her H., facing

There are 6 people I feel for, in her family the 5 kids, and her H.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

jnj express said:


> Sorry but I am jumping back in
> 
> I stated that he is probably in the military and deployed---since that post of mine she has repeatedly ducked that question---but if you think about her clues---he's there till feb.---no one has a job that keeps them away during holiday periods---he has no choice about where he goes---that can only be military------so no matter what ---this so called wife/mother---has cheated on her H., who is deployed, in the field fighting a war---and now on top of all his other problems of trying to stay alive---he has to deal with a cheating wife, back home---who is lonely---so she cheats----sorry she gets no sympathy---
> 
> ...


Well, there are civilian contractors over there as well. But, it doesn't lessen the danger either. Remember Nicholas Berg?


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## LeslieH (Apr 3, 2012)

@jnj- To be honest, I think Goggles deserves a lot of credit. She's taking care of 5 kids on her own while her husband is away. Yes, he may be fighting a war, but he's not there. She's got 5 kids to take care of. 5! I don't think what she's done is in any way right, but I you can't completely discredit her. I actually think it's pretty callous for a man to have 5 children with a woman and never be around to help take care of them.
Again, not justifying her cheating...


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Leslie---are you really serious, the last time I understood the making of babies, it took TWO TO TANGO

I can't go any further with this, cuz if we asked for help from googles, not sure what kind of an answer, we would get, or if we would get an answer at all.

Won't even dignify your ridiculous crack about the H., not being there, but because of that H., you do sleep PEACEFULLY IN YOUR BED AT NIGHT---that is if you are an american.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Leslie, her husband is definitely a member of the armed forces from what i gather and him not being around isn't an excuse and goggles admits it herself.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Goggles, we are not the enemy. What did you want from posting in the forum? How can anyone give you advice without knowing anything?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

jnj express said:


> you do sleep PEACEFULLY IN YOUR BED AT NIGHT---*that is if you are an american*.



good catch


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## goggles (Jun 24, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Goggles, we are not the enemy. What did you want from posting in the forum? How can anyone give you advice without knowing anything?


Not sure what you mean that you don't know anything... If you read other posts I've made I've answered many questions that have been asked..

There are other posters that are hung up on my husbands job...and the fact I won't answer what he does. How does the knowledge of his Job help on any way??


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

Well Goggles I have some questions: 1) did you use protection when you had sex with the OM? 2) have you had a pregnancy test? 3) was the OM a member of the same profession as your husband?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goggles (Jun 24, 2012)

no protection (not that it matters, but we stopped right after insertion)...been tested/ results negative...no, not same profession


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Sorry but I am jumping back in
> 
> I stated that he is probably in the military and deployed---since that post of mine she has repeatedly ducked that question---but if you think about her clues---he's there till feb.---no one has a job that keeps them away during holiday periods---he has no choice about where he goes---that can only be military------so no matter what ---this so called wife/mother---has cheated on her H., who is deployed, in the field fighting a war---and now on top of all his other problems of trying to stay alive---he has to deal with a cheating wife, back home---who is lonely---so she cheats----sorry she gets no sympathy---
> 
> ...


Good post. I don't believe that anyone who cheats really loves their spouse. They love themselves more and perhaps only. 

The only form a cheating in my opinion that is forgivable is a revenge affair after learning the spouse has cheated. 

That's because a revenge affair is a reaction to the pain and the betrayed spouse is typically out of the mind with grief and despair and likely suffering from PTSD.

They did not have the affair because of a typical rough patches in a marriage. They had an affair due to the confusion and pain of a betrayal.

BTW: A large portion of people who cheat do not use protection. 

And, that says it all. They are willing to expose their spouse to an STD, just to get their rocks off a few times while riding bareback.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Sorry Sara, no one is justified in having a revenge affair irrespective of what pain anybody's going through. It really doesn't matter what the other person did or how they did it or how many times they did it...I for one would not advice anybody on having an RA as a quick fix to their suffering, well whats the bloody difference between the BS and the WS then? yes so you had the RA what then? You think you're going to be better off now that there's one more notch on your bedpost? Just ask MattMatt and hell tell you

Affairs are consequences of a series of bad choices or due to the person's personality,ubringing and moral values.

The thing is most people don't love themselves enough which is why affairs happen, an ego boost, external validation etc etc etc


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

LeslieH said:


> @jnj- To be honest, I think Goggles deserves a lot of credit. She's taking care of 5 kids on her own while her husband is away. Yes, he may be fighting a war, but he's not there. She's got 5 kids to take care of. 5! I don't think what she's done is in any way right, but I you can't completely discredit her. I actually think it's pretty callous for a man to have 5 children with a woman and never be around to help take care of them.
> Again, not justifying her cheating...


We have to do what we can to make it in this world! I know some guys... and gals who were pulling their time and got papers... Activated. Get packed, shipping out! And some did not come back alive. Who is feeding those five kids... He, the betrayed spouse, most likely! And he does not need to be going through this crap while he is over there dealing with that crap! My heart goes out to him, the wife who cheated, and the CHILDREN.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

goggles said:


> no protection (not that it matters, but we stopped right after insertion)...been tested/ results negative...no, not same profession


It does matter. An STD all it takes is insertion but the lack of protection does speak to your mind set. You wanted attention and you did not think about your husband getting something, chance of pregnancy and your health. You are the primary care givers for your kids.

You have not really taked about your husband since the early posts. Have you been talking with him and has he started asking the questions?

As a BS I wanted to know protected or not, what did you do, I am still betting they did things she did not disclose. That is where we are stuck we are not really building trust since a lot of things have been trickle truth. Also I have been finding out that she lied about things. The are small in nature but if you lie about anything it makes things harder to reconcile


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

goggles said:


> no protection (not that it matters, but we stopped right after insertion)...been tested/ results negative...no, not same profession


Not that it matters... ??? Five children who are motherless down the road from some damn disease, that could matter. How about the poor wife who was faithful and her WH gave her AIDS, she died, and her children grew up motherless, after watching her die. NOT THAT IT MATTERS.... seriously.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Ya'll are so hung up on STD's etc it's ridiculous. Are any of you in the medical community? I will say NO, because if you were at least in the states it is pretty rare to ever catch anything unprotected or not except crabs, herpes, or hpv.

You guys make it sound like 1-10 people have aids, syph, etc!! Get a grip on reality and she said NO for the 100th time!!


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

OhGeesh said:


> Ya'll are so hung up on STD's etc it's ridiculous. Are any of you in the medical community? I will say NO, because if you were at least in the states it is pretty rare to ever catch anything unprotected or not except crabs, herpes, or hpv.
> 
> You guys make it sound like 1-10 people have aids, syph, etc!! Get a grip on reality and she said NO for the 100th time!!


You have to close doors and getting checked for STD's helps close a nagging question in the BS mind. It is not about real risk it is about mental health for the the BS.

I am BS and I had a million things nagging in my mind and getting that one checked of the list to move on to the next one helped.


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## goggles (Jun 24, 2012)

mahike said:


> It does matter. An STD all it takes is insertion but the lack of protection does speak to your mind set. You wanted attention and you did not think about your husband getting something, chance of pregnancy and your health. You are the primary care givers for your kids.
> 
> You have not really taked about your husband since the early posts. Have you been talking with him and has he started asking the questions?
> 
> As a BS I wanted to know protected or not, what did you do, I am still betting they did things she did not disclose. That is where we are stuck we are not really building trust since a lot of things have been trickle truth. Also I have been finding out that she lied about things. The are small in nature but if you lie about anything it makes things harder to reconcile


about my husband...he has asked for details, I have told him...I have answered all his questions, truthfully. I don't have the issue of telling him his job, since, he knows his job... (yes that's sarcasm)
He has slapped me verbally with hateful/hurtful words. I have taken them. I understand, that's all he has is to hurt me with words. He has said to me that he still loves me, and that we have built too much together for this to end. he is hurt, and I have hurt him.
when i told him that I was lonely and wanted attention, he said that was a better reason that being drunk...
he wants to work on this. He asks me to do things. I do them right away and let him know immediately that they have been done. 
we have started emailing and talking more than we have in the last few years. He admits that he has been shut off emotionally to me for awhile...I said to him that, this was my choice I effed up. He is to take no blame. 
we have stared writing down 1 positive thing that has happened everyday. He wants to turn this very negative thing that has happened and turn it into a positive...


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## goggles (Jun 24, 2012)

Ben Connedfussed said:


> Not that it matters... ??? Five children who are motherless down the road from some damn disease, that could matter. How about the poor wife who was faithful and her WH gave her AIDS, she died, and her children grew up motherless, after watching her die. NOT THAT IT MATTERS.... seriously.


what I meant by "not that it matters", was that insertion is insertion, but fully disclosing how far it was taken.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

OhGeesh said:


> Ya'll are so hung up on STD's etc it's ridiculous. Are any of you in the medical community? I will say NO, because if you were at least in the states it is pretty rare to ever catch anything unprotected or not except crabs, herpes, or hpv.
> 
> You guys make it sound like 1-10 people have aids, syph, etc!! Get a grip on reality and she said NO for the 100th time!!


It's not about how hard it is to catch, or how many people have these diseases, it's the fact that many of them are silent (chlamydia--no symptoms--renders woman sterile); manageable but not curable (herpes--and this one can also give the woman cervical cancer); or deadly and expensive to treat in the very best of circumstances (AIDS).

A cheater makes a unilateral choice to play russian roulette with the loyal spouse's life. Doesn't get much more selfish than that.

But I agree that everyone jumped on "not that it matters" and misinterpreted what she was saying, she was just explaining that (I guess) he didn't ejaculate inside her. Which I guess helps---hmmm, possibly avoiding pregnancy, except that pre-ejaculate fluid can contain sperm in some cases if my understanding is correct.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

goggles said:


> we have started emailing and talking more than we have in the last few years. He admits that he has been shut off emotionally to me for awhile...I said to him that, this was my choice I effed up. He is to take no blame.
> we have stared writing down 1 positive thing that has happened everyday. He wants to turn this very negative thing that has happened and turn it into a positive...


That's great news. Can each of you get a videocam to connect to your computers? Seeing each others faces is so important to strengthening the emotional bond between the two of you and lessen the loneliness. Give it some thought.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I am glad to hear that you to our talking about what happened. Since you will not see each other face to face some othe issues he will have like anger and mind movies that he is dealing with may take longer to subside.

You trying to understand what he is going through will help but do not think that you will ever completely understnad the depth of his pain. Remember that you will have ups and down with this. Severl times I have just wanted to say F it and move on. Those are just low moments and he will have them.

I am jumping back and forth with work so I may have missed this. Have you seen a MC yet? Does your husband have the option to see a IC right now? I am almost at a year since DD with my wife and we are still seeing an MC.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

mahike said:


> It does matter. An STD all it takes is insertion but the lack of protection does speak to your mind set. You wanted attention and you did not think about your husband getting something, chance of pregnancy and your health. You are the primary care givers for your kids.
> 
> You have not really taked about your husband since the early posts. Have you been talking with him and has he started asking the questions?
> 
> As a BS I wanted to know protected or not, what did you do, I am still betting they did things she did not disclose. That is where we are stuck we are not really building trust since a lot of things have been trickle truth. Also I have been finding out that she lied about things. The are small in nature but if you lie about anything it makes things harder to reconcile


What is the point of attacking the OP when she got here for help? She does seem to realize what she did, confessed to her H, got STD tested, cut off her friends etc etc...You cannot get someone more remorseful than that. I think she could use more advice rather than posters rehashing what happened and belittling her.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> What is the point of attacking the OP when she got here for help? She does seem to realize what she did, confessed to her H, got STD tested, cut off her friends etc etc...You cannot get someone more remorseful than that. I think she could use more advice rather than posters rehashing what happened and belittling her.


Totally agree.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Yes, simmer down people, she came here looking for answers and pointers on how to go about her situation, no need to get all worked up and take out your frustrations on her and by the looks of it she doesn't come across as a cake eater so calm down everybody


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## goggles (Jun 24, 2012)

mahike said:


> I am glad to hear that you to our talking about what happened. Since you will not see each other face to face some othe issues he will have like anger and mind movies that he is dealing with may take longer to subside.
> 
> You trying to understand what he is going through will help but do not think that you will ever completely understnad the depth of his pain. Remember that you will have ups and down with this. Severl times I have just wanted to say F it and move on. Those are just low moments and he will have them.
> 
> I am jumping back and forth with work so I may have missed this. Have you seen a MC yet? Does your husband have the option to see a IC right now? I am almost at a year since DD with my wife and we are still seeing an MC.


I am in individual counseling...and we will go to MC when we can...we are going to work with my IC and have homework between us.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Goggles, you're on the right track, as i said before you made a bad decision. Doesn't mean people can cast stones on your character, don't let the overtly hurtful comments get to you, there are a lot of BS(me included) on this forum and most of them are dealing with their own issues right now and reading about similar stories serve as triggers 

Be completely transparent to your husband and do whatever you can to show him your love, and above all else 

*Stay true to yourself* and you should be fine no matter how this ends up


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

OhGeesh said:


> Ya'll are so hung up on STD's etc it's ridiculous. Are any of you in the medical community? I will say NO, because if you were at least in the states it is pretty rare to ever catch anything unprotected or not except crabs, herpes, or hpv.
> 
> You guys make it sound like 1-10 people have aids, syph, etc!! Get a grip on reality and she said NO for the 100th time!!


Ridiculous? I don't care how prevalent STDs are or are not, if my WW is having unsafe sex with her AP it puts me at more-than-zero risk without my knowledge or consent. That is not trivial.

I am currently waiting a few more days for my second round of tests to come back. There was something which _appeared_ to be herpes, so I may get bad news next week.

While not deadly, herpes will be a significant downturn in my social eligibility after D. So not only will my WW have killed the marriage, she will have dramatically stigmatized me. This is also something other than a trivial consequence to the BS.

Many STDs have no symptoms in men, yet they can cause significant long term health problems. All without the BS consent to the risk in the first place, and without his knowledge that he has been infected until after the damage is done.

The county nurse was required to give me HIV counseling after the blood draw this week. She asked what I thought constituted safe sex. I answered, "Being monogamous in a 30 year marriage".


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> Sorry Sara, no one is justified in having a revenge affair irrespective of what pain anybody's going through. It really doesn't matter what the other person did or how they did it or how many times they did it...I for one would not advice anybody on having an RA as a quick fix to their suffering, well whats the bloody difference between the BS and the WS then? yes so you had the RA what then? You think you're going to be better off now that there's one more notch on your bedpost? Just ask MattMatt and hell tell you
> 
> Affairs are consequences of a series of bad choices or due to the person's personality,ubringing and moral values.
> 
> The thing is most people don't love themselves enough which is why affairs happen, an ego boost, external validation etc etc etc


I did not say a revenge affair should be justified. I said it should be forgiven and that it is the only type of affair that I consider forgivable.

With that said I agree with the rest of your posting.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

To each his/her own can't fault that


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Thor said:


> Ridiculous? I don't care how prevalent STDs are or are not, if my WW is having unsafe sex with her AP it puts me at more-than-zero risk without my knowledge or consent. That is not trivial.
> 
> I am currently waiting a few more days for my second round of tests to come back. There was something which _appeared_ to be herpes, so I may get bad news next week.
> 
> ...


A woman recently one a lawsuit agains a boyfriend that gave her herpes. 

Here is the link:

Woman Wins Suit Against Partner Who Gave Her STD | ABC News - Yahoo! News 

I think there should be more suits like this in divorce cases. 

Perhaps if more people had to shell out damages after cheating and giving a spouse an STD, they would think twice about cheating.


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