# When it is enough????



## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Hey guys
I've been a bit hesitant where to post, here or "marriage relationship" but some of you know my case already when my wife confessed to me ten months ago about her cheatings.
I think there is a question that first comes up in those whose been cheated on by their spouse.
"WHY?"
"Why did you do it?"
"Why would you do such horrendous thing?"
Obviously not every marriage is the same but the question remains in every single case. "Why?" As an intention to say to him/her that there was "no reason for treason"
When I asked why wife the same, her reply was all the excuses that cheaters come up with to justify their betrayals.
"You weren't having sex with me. This marriage was ruined. You didn't give me enough attention. You cheated first so what were you expecting?. You deserved it. My heart was broken and had enough." 
Well.... You get the idea. The list goes on.
Before somebody ask, I say YES. I cheated first.
We've been married 17 yrs, with 3 kids now.
15 years ago we got separated, lived in different apts and I met someone, as the Bible says: "not good for the man to be alone"
But going back to the question of this topic, "when I is enough?"
I've been the "bread winner", the source of survival for her and the kids.
I consider myself a very hard working man and I do it for my family with honor. Been working for this company for about 15 yrs risking my own health for all my family, including her. I even got an painful condition in my right arm for years as consequence of working under those freezing conditions for more than 10 hrs daily and nobody know.
Doesn't that count for something?? Odviously it didn't to her.
Just like every single marriage we had issues but, really? 
Wasn't there anything meaningful for her to hold her back from those affairs? Not even the kids? They say mother is the greatest love, She didn't think she was jeopardizing the home/safety of our own kids?
(By the way that was a big argument between my wife and i this last mother's day but I'll tell you some other time)
So am I supposed to assume that cheaters cheat because something is missing? Because they don't have enough?
So here is the question again.
When is it enough For them to remain faithful?
When is it enough?

Your turn now.

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## jferg0212 (Mar 18, 2018)

Didn’t know sleeping with some one while separated was cheating. 


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Oh yeah, for many if you still married it is.


jferg0212 said:


> Didn’t know sleeping with some one while separated was cheating.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## jferg0212 (Mar 18, 2018)

Pepe1970 said:


> Oh yeah, for many if you still married it is.
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk




What if the he/she keep saying they want a divorce, And is adamant about it? 


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

So you run a tight ship at work and sacrifice a lot of time, effort, and health to be successful. Lets say you are at 100% time & effort when it comes to work.

What percentage would you say you are for your wife and the 'romance'.... your relationship? Is it backburner & autopilot or are you actively trying to achieve greatness with your relationship like you do work?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, you've also been unfaithful. Yet you speak as if cheaters were some sort of "other". You're one of the other, so you are as qualified as she, or anyone else for that matter, to answer your own questions. Did you cheat because something was missing? Because there wasn't enough? When is it enough for you to remain faithful? 

Honestly, this entire marriage sounds like a bit of a train wreck. You've been separated already, you've both cheated, and there's clearly a ton of resentment on both sides. Nothing in your relationship sounds even remotely healthy or functional. Why are you still together?


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

you were married back then so YES you cheated, separated or not. 

I guess you're pretty hurt huh? Now you know how it feels. I believe, your marriage was destroyed the moment you cheated. your wife just tried to survive it until she had enough already. how ironic.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Wouldn't be easier get a divorce and then do whatever you want??


jferg0212 said:


> What if the he/she keep saying they want a divorce, And is adamant about it?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Valid point. We were a wreck. But still, again wouldn't be fair get a divorce and get on with your life as you want it???


Steve2.0 said:


> So you run a tight ship at work and sacrifice a lot of time, effort, and health to be successful. Lets say you are at 100% time & effort when it comes to work.
> 
> What percentage would you say you are for your wife and the 'romance'.... your relationship? Is it backburner & autopilot or are you actively trying to achieve greatness with your relationship like you do work?


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Love for sure


Rowan said:


> OP, you've also been unfaithful. Yet you speak as if cheaters were some sort of "other". You're one of the other, so you are as qualified as she, or anyone else for that matter, to answer your own questions. Did you cheat because something was missing? Because there wasn't enough? When is it enough for you to remain faithful?
> 
> Honestly, this entire marriage sounds like a bit of a train wreck. You've been separated already, you've both cheated, and there's clearly a ton of resentment on both sides. Nothing in your relationship sounds even remotely healthy or functional. Why are you still together?


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

That's what mentioned before. Like many consider still married, even separated


SA2017 said:


> you were married back then so YES you cheated, separated or not.
> 
> I guess you're pretty hurt huh? Now you know how it feels. I believe, your marriage was destroyed the moment you cheated. your wife just tried to survive it until she had enough already. how ironic.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Pepe I have been reading and commenting on your previous threads. I need to clarify one thing - you refer to affairs and cheatings (plural - not sure if this is because English is not your first language) yet there was only one sexual partner in each case right ? Her cheatings is just cheating and her affairs was actually one affair right ?

So ....

You did not cheat. You didn't hide your partners from her - she saw them or at least the one you slept with. You were both separated en route to divorce. You were free to see others and you both did. Else why separate ? And you don't really know if she did or didn't sleep with one or more men. You have the word of a proven liar and a cheat for that!


She is protecting the OM. You are so far from having the whole truth that it is unbelievable.

I suggest you ask her to take a poly and if she says no, then you have your answer - there is no reconciliation here, just rug sweeping. If she agrees to, then come her for help with what questions to ask her.

In any case your current marriage is not a marriage yet.

Curious - what countries are you two from ?


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Thank you manfromlamancha for your comments. I remember you since my great great father came from La Mancha in Spain but I guess you missed a few other threads since I mentioned in the past she had two affairs in a seven year period.


manfromlamancha said:


> Pepe I have been reading and commenting on your previous threads. I need to clarify one thing - you refer to affairs and cheatings (plural - not sure if this is because English is not your first language) yet there was only one sexual partner in each case right ? Her cheatings is just cheating and her affairs was actually one affair right ?
> 
> So ....
> 
> ...


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

I can't remember your whole thread. As I remember it was pretty bad. 

You know, you cheated when you were separated. Does not make it right, but it makes it different.

Don't get me wrong, you still suck for doing it, with out a doubt. 

But she cheated, multiple times if I am not mistaken, and you were not separated. 

That also makes it different, and IMHO worse. Not that it really matters but your cheating we 15 years ago. 

Why are you still with her, and please don't give me the "I love her crap". I am loved a lot of women and dumped a lot of them for way less than cheating. So Why??????

To answer some of your questions, you may never know why, ever. She may not know why and she sure won't know why if she is not going to therapy with a GOOD therapist to help her understand it. 

Yeah, if she was done, she should have just filed. 

But brother, if you are still wondering when is everything I do for my wife and kids going to be enough to make her not cheat.... THEN YOU NEED TO BE DIVORCED ALREADY. 

They cheat because they don't love you, because they don't respect you, because they are selfish, because, because, because...

But if you are still worried, you should be divorced...


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

I understand the feelings of "providing for her and your kids" as a form of LOVE. It is. But is it romantic/sexual? Did her father (and mother) provide for her? Would her siblings (brothers or sisters) provide for her if need be?

I have seen many betrayed men link evidence of proof of love by working hard for the family. I was one of those myself. But upon thinking about it, that's not usually a strong deterrence in cheating. You probably have been reading here a long time - have you ever heard of a cheating wife who mentioned that "my husband working really hard" had any reason for cheating or ending an affair?

Unless a husband is abusive or very neglectful, if it was just a regular routine ups-and-downs marriage, finances, kids, chores, etc., then almost always the reason the cheating wife gives is "attention" or "validation." Those are surface reasons. About half the time, it turns out that the husband WAS giving attention or validation, but wife didn't care about the husband, and wanted other men. The other reason is being "in love" (i.e., infatuation, butterflies, feeling "alive" like since they were in high school. They mistake infatuation and excitement for love, and then you hear "I love you but I'm not 'in love' with you." The cheater is "in love" with "being in love."

I haven't read your other posts, but frequently the cheater needs motivation to change. Consequences. If they can get their comfortable life back, they tend to go back to what's easier. I call that the Path of Least Resistance. Inertia. An object in rest tends to stay in rest unless an external force prompts change. Frequently the external force that prompts change is filing for divorce.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Pepe1970 said:


> So am I supposed to assume that cheaters cheat because something is missing? Because they don't have enough?
> So here is the question again.
> When is it enough For them to remain faithful?
> When is it enough?
> ...


You are asking the wrong questions. It is something missing INSIDE HER. Rarely does it have to do with you. I need money. To eat. There are many ways to get there. It is a legitimate need. I could get a job, I could beg, I could ask family, I could go to a social service, or a charity, or I could steal.

I need money. All my needs are met, but I want more luxuries. Not every "need" is a legitimate need. Even if it's not a legitimate "need," but is a luxury, there are various ways to go about it. One of which would be to think about it, seek help and guidance, to figure it out.

Without looking at your previous posts, I could guess that your wife did it because it made her feel good and she didn't think very deeply about it. She walked down the street, found an ice cream store, knew she wasn't supposed to ruin her dinner, but she did it anyway. Granted, you're saying there was a whole lot of other things on the line than just ruining her dinner. Like her life as she knew it. But haven't you ever seen a guy who gambled his mortgage away, or got hooked with heroin, which ruined his life? Or blew up his life with prostitutes or affairs?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Pepe, you have never taken our advice before about just divorcing her, over the past several threads....we keep telling you she has NO REMORSE snd she blames you in the process...so we all knwo you will not take our advice when we tell you to divorce now...so honestly what difference does it makes now...your not leaving, so why ***** about it, suck it up.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Stay together and have cheat fests. Really, at this point you two should go all swinger or **** or some other different lifestyle. You’ll never get back what you once though you had, so, **** it...bang away


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Pepe1970, it sounds like you have had more than enough.


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## DjDjani (Feb 10, 2018)

Pepe, if you dont want to divorce that cheatin *****, then you go and bang as many of wuman you can. So you will also have some fun. You ask why she cheats? Becouse she doesnt love you and not have respect for you. Siple as that.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Pepe1970 said:


> Hey guys
> I've been a bit hesitant where to post, here or "marriage relationship" but some of you know my case already when my wife confessed to me ten months ago about her cheatings.
> I think there is a question that first comes up in those whose been cheated on by their spouse.
> "WHY?"
> ...


I don't ever think that cheating is a good thing to do. But I observe your completely discounting out of hand what might have been honest answers to your question. Just saying.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Thank you guys for all your comments. There's a lot to think about.

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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There may or may not be more to it than what she's already said. The truth is you'll never know for sure. That's just the reality of what you live with going forward.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Where is the "Dislike" button for those posts telling Pepe to cheat again?

As you know, Pepe, cheating is never the answer to anything good.

Why did she cheat? Just ask yourself why you cheated, and then apply those answers to your wife.

Now that you know why, fix yourself, and let her know that if she doesn't address her "whys" her clock is going to run out.

BTW, are you ever going to cheat again? If the answer is "No," how does your wife know that? What evidence of change in you does she have?

You really need to be working on yourself since you too are a cheater. Your wife needs to be working on herself.

1. Affairproofing yourself through counseling, reading, figuring out your own "whys."
2. By your actions, not your words, showing your wife your devotion to only her.
3. Regarding your wife's cheating, finding your boundaries and sticking to them.

As I wrote this, I don't know how your marriage can survive with at least 3 affairs between the two of you. You both dropped atom bombs on your marriage. You will both need to do a lot of soul searching to fix yourselves, and a lot of forgiveness to forgive each other. It will be a miracle if your marriage survives or even becomes healthy. 

But I believe in miracles.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Are you staying in this as punishment or as some kind of atonement for your own cheating while you were separated? Have you thought of it that way? If the answer is yes, then you need to get out. There is no redemption here. This marriage is toxic, and you would do well to end it. Give yourself a chance at happiness.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

To be honest she was devastated when she found out 15 yrs ago. I thought she wAs going to die. She doesn't know I knew but she turned into a skeleton condition and was taken to the hospital for transfusion. She lost at that time more than 40 lbs. (She weighed about 105 lbs then) Didn't want to eat at all. Almost lose my first born child. She didn't want me to know.
So yeah maybe in some subconscious level I'm forgiving her cheatings as a way to compensate what I did. It hurts what she did but my hurt to her was way deeper and way longer.


3Xnocharm said:


> Are you staying in this as punishment or as some kind of atonement for your own cheating while you were separated? Have you thought of it that way? If the answer is yes, then you need to get out. There is no redemption here. This marriage is toxic, and you would do well to end it. Give yourself a chance at happiness.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Why did you separate the first time? There is cheating while separated or moving on while separated. Two totally different things. Was the intent to divorce? That's why most people separate...Who's idea was it? I wouldn't fault you for sleeping with someone while in that divorce stage.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Yeah well somebody already commented the opposite earlier.
Anyway before separation as I said before, we were crashing from day one. Different tempers, taste, ideologies, belief, life and death opinions, customs, meanings, IQs. It became really frustrating for both of us.
So for every single argument we had she left the house. To me that's 
very disrespectful, especially when I told her not to do it again.
She used to leave the apt after any argument we had, all night. I thought she went to her mother's house and spend the night there till next t morning. One night I woke up around 1 o clock and went for a walk to the market and found her car with her inside sleeping inside it. I woke her up and told her to come home. I told her one day if she left again, I'll be the one who leaves and not comming back. (I'm skipping I'm but all these happened in a two or three years period)
One day I had it and as soon as she left after another argument, the next day I went looking for another apt.
Somehow I felt that she was ok with me leaving and after a few conversation we realized we were better off away from each other. 



UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Why did you separate the first time? There is cheating while separated or moving on while separated. Two totally different things. Was the intent to divorce? That's why most people separate...Who's idea was it? I wouldn't fault you for sleeping with someone while in that divorce stage.


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