# feel sad & angry



## herere (Mar 31, 2012)

I know it's almost impossible for me to get support here as I just broke up with a married man who has a daughter of 1 year old.

We have been working together for 3 years and known each oterh well. I had been into him the first sight when I saw him.
But he was already married so I kept feelings down inside. It was not until 6 months ago that he told me he liked me. 

We dated 2 weeks and we felt we were "on fire". But I tried to control myself and told him we need to break up coz you are married.

He then told me the issue in their marriage. They have been together for 7 years but rarely had sex - in maximun 20 times , and most of them was because they tried to have a baby.His wift has issues with sex due to an unhappy experience when she was young so she refuses to have sex from beginning. I know married men lie but I choose to believe that coz his wife admitted later in a conversation with his elder sister.

He said he will divorce and marry me coz he can't imagine live in such a marrige for whole life. So he starts to talk to his wife and his mon about this on weekends. His mon is very traditional old lady and can't accept it- plus she can't leave the 1 year-old granddaughter. His wife cried and refused to do so. He didn't want to file so always try to do it in a soft way.i.e. communication..etc. months passed. He got no support from his monther and elder sister and one day, during an argue his mon fell down due to high blood pressure. Since then he almost gave up.

He is very successful and assertive during work and he is managing a whole team of 30 ppl. but he is emotionally helpless and cries a lot when he is with me - he is in a big dilemma, on one hand he can't give up the 1 -year-old daughter , on the other hand he doesn't want a marriage without sex and he want to be with me. I'm very surprised when I see him crying his lungs out every time. He said he doesn't want to hurt his mon and his daughter.

Finnnaly he moved to another city - he found a nice job there with double salary. He said he is not coming back anymore and will go pursuit his career as this is the most important for him. He said he might still divorce his wife after years and years when he doesn't see his family and they are not so close anymore but currently it's a tough desicion for him. So we had to break up.


It doesn't make much sense to me obviously. You can either fix the issue in your marriage and take care of them, or end this marriage if the sex issue cant be fixed anymore , so that we can rebuild another marriage. I've been waiting for 6 months and now I'm with nobody.

I know it's difficult to leave your family but you should at least make a decision rather than always in the dilemma, and finnally you fly far away from all of us without any decision made.I just cant understand such an assertive and strong-minded man woule behave in this way in relationship.He is known as a very good man in our work place and everybody likes him so much

I'm very sad and angry and feeling very bad- I understand I derserve it as I should not be with him at very beginning and I'm open to any critisism


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

You don't "date" a married man. You have an affair with him.

That's pretty much all I have to say.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to please his family and keep you around in the background just in case. Move on with your life. Find someone who is single.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Been my experience that if they CHEAT, they LIE, too; with that being said: 

I'm 100% positive I'd believe anything/everything he told me about what his home life is like........YEP!

AND IF he left his family (they typically don't; they want their cake and eat it too) and pursued a relationship with you......what in the world makes you think he wouldn't cheat on you too? Once a cheater; always a cheater. 

Move on, find someone who's SINGLE to marry.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

A lot of women have been hit on by married men. If the fact that it is just plain wrong and cowardly of him to do so does not turn you off, remember that they almost *never* leave their wives if young children are involved. 

Stay away from married men--just no good reason to get involved. And if they have lied to you and you are involved b/f you realize it, get smarter about noticing the little signs--never free on weekends, only calls at certain times and, most importantly, never takes you to his place. I was once about to go on a date--he was at my house picking me up--when a guy confessed he was married. I told him to take a walk right then. 

Ha, I just remembered, "Watch out for married men," is really the only relationship advice my mom ever gave me--and boy, was she right!

I'm sure married women can be just as devious, so for any single guys reading this--pay attention to the little things, too!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I apologize but you seem like English is not your first language, have you heard the phrase "my wife just doesn't understand me!!!!" it's classic excuse for married men to cheat. Even if he was being honest and they don't have a lot of sex because she was traumatized, he's making it worse by cheating on her. 
That is something they needed to work out in their marriage, not a reason to cheat. But yeah chances are he was lying to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanglingDaisy (Mar 26, 2012)

Herere,
A married man who truly values his partner,will work on the issues he has with her-not run after a coworker or stranger.

For insight sake, I'll tell you my partner was flirting with women coworkers for the EGO boost. I have always been a highly sexual woman who would have done anything to spice up our sex life. He wanted that giddy feeling of flirting-it made him feel special-and any woman who was his target,was nothing more than just a pawn in his selfish greed.

I ended up working in the same office as my partner(I transferred a few years later)-I was supposed to keep our marriage secret which would have been fine if I didn't find out then(9yrs with my partner)that he made a couple women believe he was available I was completely clueless that he was such an ass,and hurt he devalued our relationship by "acting" things were so great at home,and doing this at work.

Even after outing that I was his partner, there was one or two home wreckers who got their jollies pursuing him. They thought* this man was a great catch..he's great to his kids,"loving" to his partner...blah,blah,blah. If he can do this to his loving and communicative partner, how in the world did these twits believe he wouldn't treat them the same way if he was with them?

People who cheat will say anything to make their current partner look bad on any level. It's how they rational their behavior. If you're dumb enough to pursue a married man/woman then you need to seek professional help


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

He lied to you about everything. In fact, he's probably trying to "work it out" with his wife now so that the next time the coast is clear, he can have another affair with someone else.

You've deluded yourself into thinking this is a relationship. It's not. You are a cheater and a home-wrecker and you need to realize that if you don't want to be feeling so terrible about yourself and your loneliness in the future that you should avoid "dating" married men. 

You should feel terrible about yourself. What you've done is a very bad thing. Learn a lesson from it and move on. Find a man who is NOT involved with someone else. Do NOT contact your affair partner ever again. Build some self-esteem by doing things that make you a respectable person. There is no excuse for what you did. It was a bad thing. Face it. And, then move on with your life and stop doing such disgustingly stupid things. 

It's not like you were unknowingly the OW; you knew he had a family and you tried to get him to leave them for you. Did you think he would have been faithful to you? Please recognize the error of your ways.

I'm not trying to be mean to you, but you need a reality check and sometimes those sound harsh. You will feel a lot better about yourself if you recognize that it was a stupid mistake, leave the guy alone, and try to live a life of integrity so that your next relationship will be something other than this sordid nonsense and maybe capable of bringing you some happiness.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

His reality doesn't make sense to you, but it makes sense to him. The way he chooses to deal with his problem is unfortunate for you but it works for him. Everybody sees and feels things differently. You can feel how you want but you can't feel your way to making his reality wrong for him. I hope that makes sense to you. You must accept that the world is not entirely as you experience it yourself. There are a zillion different realities that simultaneously exist, and he is in a different one than you. You would do well to let it go and move on and find someone who can be closer to you in both body and spirit. Don't try to solve his issues by solving yours to your own satisfaction and to complete some story with a beautiful ending that exists in your desires only, but not in the way reality is going to be. It doesn't work that way. You must try to be more understanding and to love someone is to accept their reality and let them live in it without being told it is wrong or misguided or that your world is more fit for them to live in than their own. I think that is very controlling. I'm sorry.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

you're not a victim to me, you're a partner in crime, you're driving the gettaway car


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

He used you. He felt it was okay, because you knew he was married.

He was crying so much, because he knew he was wrong & it was the guilt. You had no contribution - other than helping him cheat & feel worse. His guilt is not to you. It's to his wife & family.

Get over it. Move on & next time... (next relationship you have) try to think about how you would feel if you were the wife & some "co worker" seduced your hubby.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Was there a question? Or perhaps you are just venting your frustration.

If this story is true, you've been used. Don't put your life on hold because of him. Some women wait years for their married man to divorce the wife and marry them instead. 

Figure out what it is about yourself that made you want a married man. It's no compliment to be chosen the affair partner. He thought you were cheap and easy. Someone for sex, someone to be kept a secret, someone he wasn't willing to introduce to family. Maybe that's not what you want to hear, but in reality he's not going to offer you anything more than a sad story and sex. If he truly loved you, he would have divorced his wife, offered her a good settlement then married you. More than likely he has cheated in the past before he met you and he will continue to cheat with other women in this new city. 

I never understand why women want to marry a man who is a known adulterer. What exactly will you have won if you marry him? A man who cheats on the woman he marries. A man you know is capable of being unfaithful. What a prize!


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## herere (Mar 31, 2012)

Thanks everyone for your reply.
Weeks after he was with me he has started to talk to his wife about divorce but his wife insisted that sex issue is not critical to the marriage and she refused to. He wanted to confess he is in love with sb. else, but I insisted him not to take this as a reason for divorce. I said we should not “date” right now , until you settled your wife and family, so “affair” should never be a reason. So he has never told her till now.

He was determined to divorce (at least seems so ) until one day when his mum got sick – she was overwhelmed by the claim that he wanted to file suit for divorce. She got high blood pressure and felled down when she heard the news & sent to hospital for emergency. She believes even they don’t have any sex they should keep the marriage and family. Since that day he started to change his mind because he felt terrible about hurting his mon and daughter. He wrote a mail to his mum about told her about our story but was with no vain.

He left this city alone for his career – career always has highest priority in his life. 4 years ago he gave up very good job opportunity in HK and came back to this city for his family. Now he felt very regretful of that decision, especially when this marriage didn’t work out. So he decided to resume his career pursuit and would think about divorce after years’ departure when they are not so close anymore. 

so he is not a total liar but he has hurt his family and me. No matter how much challenge he faced in the family and whatever situation he was in, if he truly loves me , he should get divorced and marry me. Or else he should keep far away from me.But I'm still trying not to hate him because that will just bring more pain in my life

I know I have to go on with my life but I have nightmare every day. I’m 30 now and I don’t know if I will fall in love again. Weeks ago I got interview opportunity from his current company too, and I will take the final next Monday. It’s an international investment bank and that’s very good opportunity for my career. But I hesitate to work with him again – I don’t want to see him anymore actually before I get settled down myself. So I might need to give it up even if I pass the interview.

I’ve been thinking about leave my current city as in this small city there is really no big chance for the career. Since I feel no hope with any relationship / love anymore I think I should at least gave it a shot in career, or else I’m satisfied with nothing in life.

On the other hand I know I’m in a pain so perhaps should not make any decision at least within 3 months. Just live life as how it is for 3 months – do not keep contact with him , do not worry about career – and see how it happens.

Sorry if it seems like a vent for frustration only – but your comments are still very helpful & powerful for me to persuade myself out of this “relationship” and pain.

And yes I’m from China so English is not my native language – so pls bear me with the errors

Thanks everyone for your reply.
Weeks after he was with me he has started to talk to his wife about divorce but his wife insisted that sex issue is not critical to the marriage and she refused to. He wanted to confess he is in love with sb. else, but I insisted him not to take this as a reason for divorce. I said we should not “date” right now , until you settled your wife and family, so “affair” should never be a reason. So he has never told her till now.

He was determined to divorce (at least seems so ) until one day when his mum got sick – she was overwhelmed by the claim that he wanted to file suit for divorce. She got high blood pressure and felled down when she heard the news & sent to hospital for emergency. She believes even they don’t have any sex they should keep the marriage and family. Since that day he started to change his mind because he felt terrible about hurting his mon and daughter. He wrote a mail to his mum about told her about our story but was with no vain.

He left this city alone for his career – career always has highest priority in his life. 4 years ago he gave up very good job opportunity in HK and came back to this city for his family. Now he felt very regretful of that decision, especially when this marriage didn’t work out. So he decided to resume his career pursuit and would think about divorce after years’ departure when they are not so close anymore. 

I agree with you guys he is a man with no responsibility. No matter how much challenge he faced in the family and whatever situation he was in, if he truly loves me , he should get divorced and marry me. Or else he should keep far away from me.

I know I have to go on with my life but I have nightmare every day. I’m 30 now and I don’t know if I will fall in love again. Weeks ago I got interview opportunity from his current company too, and I will take the final next Monday. It’s an international investment bank and that’s very good opportunity for my career. But I hesitate to work with him again – I don’t want to see him anymore actually before I get settled down myself. So I might need to give it up even if I pass the interview.

I’ve been thinking about leave my current city as in this small city there is really no big chance for the career. Since I feel no hope with any relationship / love anymore I think I should at least gave it a shot in career, or else I’m satisfied with nothing in life.

On the other hand I know I’m in a pain so perhaps should not make any decision at least within 3 months. Just live life as how it is for 3 months – do not keep contact with him , do not worry about career – and see how it happens.

Sorry if it seems like a vent for frustration only – but your comments are still very helpful & powerful for me to persuade myself out of this “relationship” and pain.

And yes I’m from China so English is not my native language – so pls bear me with the errors

Thx every one.


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## herere (Mar 31, 2012)

I dont know if it happens to other girls but as I get older I seem to be more "fragile" - easier to get hurt and lost. 

in the 20's, I was fully concentrated in my job and got over a relationship very quickly. I ended two serious relationships only because I didn't feel the passion for them anymore - although they were really good men. Since last year I started to feel I don't really feel that passion anymore for career and start to think about getting settled down but I came aross to this married man. I feel regretful for everything I did but life just cant be reversed.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So OP do you realize that cheating men always find another excuse why they can't leave their wives for their affair partner? Either someone is dck, there are money problems, their kid has school, their house needs to sell etc.

You are having an affair with a liar and a rat.

A man so awful that he has turned his back on his own child.

Just imagine if you do get him, and have a kid with him. Who will he be sleeping with cheating with while you are at hone with the kid???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanglingDaisy (Mar 26, 2012)

Please DO NOT consider working with him again at the new company

I know you love the man you *think* he is..but his actions as everyone has said,speaks volumes to the type of *man* he is!

I suspect he is trying to lure or bring you closer to where he is...the problem is this, what if you get the job move over there...he "claims" he divorced his wife(only they're just living far apart from each other)..and he hurts you again when he chooses someone else,or feels bad again?

I understand being mid 30's myself how our priorities change when we get older. You're probably thinking about having your own family and settling down...think hard about the type of man you need in your life. Integrity(honesty) is important in any relationship-choose wisely so you're not regretting your life down the road.

Avoid working with this man-he is toxic. He shows how selfish he is and how he let's his desires rule where he goes and what he does.

If you truly believe he will be different with you-don't be dillusional Whether he just started playing around with other people,or has been doing it for awhile,he won't change(as you see he's married and makes "excuses" for what he does)...


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

By spending time with a married man who is not available to you, you're giving valuable attention, time and energy to a man who can't be your husband. You're also potentially turning yourself away from finding a single man who would marry you. It's not your job to save this married man even if he's in an unhappy marriage. It's his life. He is going to put duty and family ahead of a divorce. Now we can argue about the fact having an affair isn't putting family first (I agree), but when he has to make a decision between leaving the marriage and staying, he stays with his wife and tosses you aside. He may be telling you the story of his mother getting sick to soften the blow of dumping you. 

Thirty years old isn't old age. You're still young enough to find someone. You're obviously well educated given that you're writing to us in your second (third?) language. You have a lot to offer someone. Find someone who is single, not married. 

Your command of English is great. It's your morals you should improve.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

you got used he cheats and lies that is what it comes down to in addition he does not seem interested in his family. oh and you slept with a married man which is not good at all. How would you feel if one day your husband slept with some other woman? You where the other woman and its not always terrible if they are truly divorced or over but it seemed he just gave up and was not to interested. He also did not make time for you which is a HUGE sign that he never really meant what he said. He should of divorced his wife already and than ask you to move with him.

best of luck


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## Ladybug802 (Apr 7, 2012)

Why would you go on a job interview with the same company that he works for? You need to break away from him. He is NOT going to leave his current situation. He used you for sex. He knows the right things to say to you to help you to believe. And for you to go on an interview at the same company, sounds to me like trouble. Steer clear from him. You Never know when you will meet someone special.


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## MzLostmyway (Apr 11, 2012)

id say find a man not married . HOw would you feel if it was your daughter being cheated on . Im sorry but when you play with fire you get burned.


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