# Turning down the emotional thermostat but still meeting own needs?



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Excuse me butting in here again but I am looking for guys' opinions again!

I am doing some serious work on myself. Although through MC we have established that his straying eye is more to do with his need to feed his ego than anything I have done or not done, after a recent post I made on here, I realised I have become really... well... boring

I never stopped being interested in the stuff I was interested in years ago, I guess I just stopped going out and getting out there because of the demands of family, then work getting me tired, and at some point although there'd be the odd token effort at going out to the theatre or similar, I never really re-established my social life after the babies got older.

I also realised this last week that I am very much a "giver." This is fine up to a point; right up until I realised that after my H's EA, I started giving MORE in an attempt to make him realise that I am his best option, if you like. I realised that this much giving was not working, I got to that point where I just sat down and thought, "I'm done giving this much." I am very much the "hot" spouse on the emotional thermostat thread I read, and I have turned it down. Right down. I have stopped initiating affection, arranging quality time together and focussing on "my" stuff, I went out the other week to join up to fitness classes and have arranged some nights out with girlfriends.

He has responded already by reaching out. Usually I am the one asking for cuddles, snuggling up to watch TV, initiating hugs and embraces. The other night I went up to bed before him, we'd sat in the lounge watching something and I would usually go up with him to bed, but said I was tired and went up. He asked was I going to bed, I said yes, he went to get ready for bed. I was half asleep when he came upstairs, and he came armed with massage oil.

Now, this is a *huge* thing, as usually it is *me* asking or initiating anything like this, and he participates maybe 50% of the time. He offered a back massage, I accepted. I almost thought it was a joke but no!

My question is...

I am naturally a "very warm" spouse, "hot" at times. I am finding pursuing "me" things very fulfilling and enriching after all this time, like I am rediscovering who "I" am. I am presently as said toning down the warmness, but what I'm not sure about is how do you balance this with getting your needs met? Eg, if I am focussing on an engaging social life, say, but not actively pursuing quality time with my H, how do I handle that need for quality time? Am I supposed to be expecting him to turn up his warmness and initiate that more? Can I still arrange stuff but should appear lighthearted and not bothered if he turns it down? Knowing him, if I don't mention it, he will think I am not bothered about it?

ETA:

Yesterday we had MC arranged and had all ready arranged for MIL to keep an eye on the kids. The counselor had to cancel at short notice but MIL was happy to still watch the kids, so when I explained to H, I asked did he want to still drop the kids at his moms? He asked why? I said maybe we could go out for a beer, or for a bite to eat together. I was preparing myself for him refusing, he did saying he wanted to spend some time with the kids. I had no issue with that, I guess I just felt a little sad that a few years ago he would have been whisking me out of the door before I knew what was going on after dropping the kids off.

I kept it lighthearted, said, "ok" and carried on with a smile. I was making a concerted effort not to feel sad or show it, he picked up on it and asked me what was wrong, I said "nothing". I got the very distinct feeling I was being tested to a: see how I responded to him asking (we have been working on me being more forthcoming in response to him asking this Q) and b) to see how I responded to his turning down the offer of time together.

He asked again, I said again nothing, I was fine, and we carried on. I could see he was looking at me trying to gauge my emotional state but I kept lighthearted and it blew over.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Amazing how that works, isn't it?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Yes... I can predict with 100% certainty that at some point soon he will ask me what's up, why am I acting weird?

The other day there was some situation (can't remember what exactly) where he accused me of getting angry or being cross about something, and I had to point out to him that no, actually I had not been angry or cross at all, he was obviously judging me on how he assumed I would react and it threw him when I didn't. He looked confused when I pointed it out!

What do I say when he does ask why I am acting differently?


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I think that you were batting .1000 right up to here;



walkingwounded said:


> I kept it lighthearted, said, "ok" and carried on with a smile. I was making a concerted effort not to feel sad or show it, he picked up on it and asked me what was wrong, I said "nothing". I got the very distinct feeling I was being tested to a: see how I responded to him asking (we have been working on me being more forthcoming in response to him asking this Q) and b) to see how I responded to his turning down the offer of time together.
> 
> He asked again, I said again nothing, I was fine, and we carried on. I could see he was looking at me trying to gauge my emotional state but I kept lighthearted and it blew over.


Men are stupid. I know, I am one. We are also usually direct, logical and simple.
I think you should have told your husband, "Let's go get a beer and a pizza.", instead of asking. He probably would have gone happily.
Because to him, you didn't "offer" time together.* You asked him if he wanted a beer and some food. He didn't.*
When he asked what was wrong, you should have been honest and told him right then.
All you did was set yourself up for a repeat and another thread here. If you tell him about this today, I bet he'll say, "Then why didn't you say you wanted to go out?"
We're not good at reading signs that are obvious to women.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I get what you say about being direct. I am guilty of not, usually because I am worried I will get turned down. He says I always harp on about quality time, so for me just saying that was quite brazen really.

He sees it as me being high maintenance.

If I'd have said I was disappointed because he didn't want that time, he would have rolled out his most recent line about how I'm never happy, I always want something. He thinks I should be happy with what we have. He knew full well what I was saying.

I suspect the only way to get him to sit back and take note is when I start to go do stuff with friends that I'd usually want to do with him. When he starts to feel that time being replaced, and realises HE can be replaced if he doesn't make the effort.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Next time, tell him You feel like going out for a beer. THEN, ask him if he wants to come. If he says no, then go anyways, by yourself. go shopping instead, or meet up with a girlfriend.

Don't cancel your plans on account of your husband. Part of this is showing him you aren't reliant upon him always having to be with you. This adds mystery and excitement to your relationship interactions.

I bet the next time after you do this, he will come with you.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Lol. I guess you already did the first part. You just need the follow through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

WW,
First of all - well done. Well done in strategy and well done in handling your "in the moment" disappointment about spending time together. 

I want to address two things:
1. How to manage the temperature without accidentally cutting your partner out of your life
2. How to handle minor disappointments regarding how your partner is prioritizing you

As for one, my take on this is fairly simplistic. The more "fun" you are to be around the less likely it is to happen.  Your partner will make a decent effort and you will meet them halfway. The whole thing about the thermostat is this: If your partner is responding enthusiastically to your loving gestures (hugs, acts of service, initiation of sex) then you are not over-heating the marriage. It is perfectly fine to be the warmer partner AS LONG AS your spouse is consitently responding positively to you. 

About 3 years ago my W made a very simple, very direct request. She asked that I not walk in the door at the end of the day talking on my cell phone. I had been doing that quite a bit and sometimes the calls lasted 15-30 minutes after I walked in the door. I thought for a moment, said sure and completely stopped doing that. And then the coolest thing just "happened". Whenever one of us walked in the door end of day, the other would stop what they were doing, give a big warm smile and a long full body hug. And THAT was how we kicked off just about every night at home. And that single pattern said something very important - from each us to the other: "No matter what nonsense happened today - YOU are a lot more important than that stuff - and seeing you drowns out the noise of a bad day". There is no better way to convey "You are the most important person in my life" than to do that daily. 

As for the disappointment thing. I think you have two valid choices:
- Downplay it like you did and get over it quickly or
- Acknowledge it in a constructive way. It is ok to say "I actually would prefer to spend time alone with you, that said I am good with the outcome where all of us are together".





walkingwounded said:


> Excuse me butting in here again but I am looking for guys' opinions again!
> 
> I am doing some serious work on myself. Although through MC we have established that his straying eye is more to do with his need to feed his ego than anything I have done or not done, after a recent post I made on here, I realised I have become really... well... boring
> 
> ...


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Thanks MEM, thoe two things you highlighted are the two things I have been thinking about.

In the instance I outlined, I had no issue with the fact my H wanted to spend time with the kids. What do you do when your spouse consistently turns down your arrangements/invites/plans? How do you address that with them, as mentioned he often says my need for quality time makes me high maintenance, he'd rather do x/y/z instead.

Also how do you respond when your spouse asks WHY you are acting in this way, as I know he will do. I thought about saying something like, I am being happy and enjoying my life, no comment directed at him but centred around me?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Anyone? Could really do with some input.


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## EvanderS (Jul 1, 2011)

what you are describing is a shifting in polarization... ie... he is acting more like a man by making decisions on priorities but at the same time he is chasing you. 

On the other hand... you are working on yourself and increasing your attraction factor. All of this is good. Make him chase you and prove to you how much he loves you. Do things that make you feel good. Invest in new clothes, paint your finger nails, hang out with other women (even if you have to find them). Don't get too close and don't get too far away.

If he makes a decision to spend more time with kids then respect that. You are... um... entitled to pout about it, yearn for it, be sad about it, be brave about it. You can be a little more honest without being immature. It's OK.

When he asks you why you are acting this way then you can be honest about your feelings, realizations. It's OK to be honest about it. In fact I think you can spice it up. 

Make yourself seem mysterious, hard to figure out, curious. It's OK to keep him guessing. It's called seduction and flirting. It's a good thing when he is focused on you wondering what you are doing. Increase your sexual attraction rating... see if you can get compliments (or at least remarks) about what you are wearing. Make sure you stand out without seeming immature. Wear something that suggests something.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

WW,
Are there things you like to do together?


hanks MEM, thoe two things you highlighted are the two things I have been thinking about.

In the instance I outlined, I had no issue with the fact my H wanted to spend time with the kids. What do you do when your spouse consistently turns down your arrangements/invites/plans? How do you address that with them, as mentioned he often says my need for quality time makes me high maintenance, he'd rather do x/y/z instead.

Also how do you respond when your spouse asks WHY you are acting in this way, as I know he will do. I thought about saying something like, I am being happy and enjoying my life, no comment directed at him but centred around me?[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Yes, things as simple as go out for a beer together, or for dinner. There are also things we used to do that we haven't for a while, but I'd certainly like to, like go and see bands.

Then there's things I know he'd like and has expressed an interest in, that I'd be happy to have a go at, like rock climbing, I think he'd like to try the edge-of-your-seat exciting sports stuff. Or even a theme park.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Try 2 things: schedule rock climbing and try being playfully rough with him. Wrestle on the bed.
The playful rough stuff touches some very high voltage circuity.


things as simple as go out for a beer together, or for dinner. There are also things we used to do that we haven't for a while, but I'd certainly like to, like go and see bands.

Then there's things I know he'd like and has expressed an interest in, that I'd be happy to have a go at, like rock climbing, I think he'd like to try the edge-of-your-seat exciting sports stuff. Or even a theme park.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Yes. He likes the playful wrestling stuff. The trouble is, he is REALLY strong from his work and I am NO match for him at all! Still, it's fun to try!


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