# How do I ever trust her again after her two affairs



## Happiest by the water (Dec 12, 2012)

My wife and I have been together almost 30 years and a month ago she told me that she didn't want to be married anymore (it was the old "I still love you but I'm not in love with you and it's not you, it's me). She said that we had grown apart and that she couldn't see spending the rest of her life with me. 

A week later she admitted to having an affair that had been ongoing for six months (he lived in another city but they both traveled on business and would meet up in different cities to spend nights together). I happened to see her phone one day and found a 40 message text thread. They claimed to love each other and were definitely sexually involved. He found out that I found out who he was when I Googled him and read his profile on LinkedIn (at which time he ended the relationship with my wife because he didn't want his wife to find out). My wife was pissed at me because I looked at her phone and that he ended their affair so abruptly. She also said that the affair had nothing to do with why she wanted to end our marriage (I think perhaps it emboldened her to want to move on and enjoy life as a single woman).

We went for couples' counseling and in our second session, my wife also admitted to a one night stand several years ago (but claimed that it didn't mean anything as it was only a one night stand). When the therapist asked if she had any other intimate relationships with other guys, my wife said that she had lots of opportunities, but only did it with these two guys.

We just separated a week ago and are trying to figure things out (my wife has said that she's not sure if moving on is the right thing and that she may be making the biggest mistake of her life). I hate her for what she's done to me (and to our family) and that she could be so uncaring for our relationship as to sleep with two other guys (one of whom she was sleeping with for six months and claimed to love). 

The problem is that I still love her more than life itself and think that I may be able to get past what she's done because we have almost 30 years invested in our relationship. I think I can forgive her but know that I will never forget what she did.

HOW CAN I EVER TRUST HER AGAIN. My wife has always been a very selfish person. It's always been about her, and what she wants. Even if we get past all of this and reconcile, how do I ever trust her again. If she's working late in the city, traveling on business, or has a dinner meeting - how do I know that she hasn't slipped into another affair or is screwing some random guy? I am the jealous type and this is driving me crazy. She now tells me that she is sorry that she told me the truth about her affair and her one night stand (apparently lying came easy to her).

No matter how good things are with her in the future, I will always have that nagging doubt in my mind. She tells me that she had the affair because she was filling a void. She's a narcissist and needs constant adoration by others (she has told me so many times over the years how many guys have hit on her because she is so beautiful and successful). I worry that no matter what I do to make her happy, that some guy will smile at her, tell her wonderful things, and they will end up in bed together. I think it will drive me crazy for the rest of my life.

Should I move on? Is it possible to ever trust her again? The logical side of me says end the relationship and find someone who will be much more of a giver (my wife has always been a taker). The romantic side of me says I've loved her for 30 years and even though I know it's crazy, I can't stop.

I need advice as I'm really on the fence.


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## Tawanda (Dec 10, 2012)

Big hug to you. I'm in a very similar situation, but my H is still talking to OW & living here. 

I haven't even thought of whether I could trust him again, since he doesn't even know if he wants to work on our M. 

I feel for you!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

I hate it for you bro but it sure sounds like she checked out of the marriage awhile ago. I'd ask her to move out. Her response will be a tell-tale sign. At the very least it'll be a wake-up slap in the face to her.

She doesn't appear to respect you. Hard to cahnge that.

Oh, and I'd probably expose the other man to his wife.


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## Happiest by the water (Dec 12, 2012)

We have been living in separate bedrooms for the past three weeks and she just moved to her own apartment last weekend. I won't rat the other guy out to his wife as she's done nothing wrong (and it's not my place to make her miserable). There are other issues with the two of them but as long as it's over (and I'm sure it is) - it's no longer an issue. 

I agree that my wife checked out a long time ago (she said that this has been a long time in coming) and that she must have so little respect for me to be able to easily do this with the long term affair partner (after she admitted the affair to me but before I found out the details, she would text him right in front of me and when I'd complain and tell her that she needed to end the affair , she'd tell me not to push her to make a choice as I wouldn't like the choice that she would make).

I know I allowed myself to be a doormat for her but love makes you do funny things.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> I hate it for you bro but it sure sounds like she checked out of the marriage awhile ago. I'd ask her to move out. Her response will be a tell-tale sign. At the very least it'll be a wake-up slap in the face to her.
> 
> She doesn't appear to respect you. Hard to cahnge that.
> 
> Oh, and I'd probably expose the other man to his wife.


Probably? PROBABLY.?

Expose the posom. Do it today.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

You've been married for 30 years. You know your wife is selfish, narcissist, needs constant adoration by others, cheated on you twice (that you know of). Got angry at you for messing with your affair because she is filling a void. She considers doing you a favor by only having two affairs out of all the offers she had from other men. She still works at the job that allows her to travel and cheat. 
Why do you think after all this time she will suddenly change her tune for 30 years?????? Actions speak louder then words. You say you love her more then life itself. Why? How has she deserved that love? You put her on a pedestal and all she does is take a dump on you from above. 

You know you are a doormat and continue to love a women who doesn't love you. Also you wont do whats necessary to end the affair by exposing the affair to the OM's wife. If you do your wife already told you she'll leave you. This marriage is over and your in denial. Your low Self Esteem makes you do stupid things.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Happiest by the water said:


> We have been living in separate bedrooms for the past three weeks and she just moved to her own apartment last weekend. I won't rat the other guy out to his wife as she's done nothing wrong (and it's not my place to make her miserable). There are other issues with the two of them but as long as it's over (and I'm sure it is) - it's no longer an issue.
> 
> I agree that my wife checked out a long time ago (she said that this has been a long time in coming) and that she must have so little respect for me to be able to easily do this with the long term affair partner (after she admitted the affair to me but before I found out the details, she would text him right in front of me and when I'd complain and tell her that she needed to end the affair , she'd tell me not to push her to make a choice as I wouldn't like the choice that she would make).
> 
> I know I allowed myself to be a doormat for her but love makes you do funny things.


Expos to other man's wife. 

If you want her to respect you, you need to expose, and you think you 'don't want to make her miserable' thats a lie. 

You just don't want to have to take action, but please don't tell yourself and try to spin it like your silence is doing that woman any favors or anything. 

Her marriage is most likely crap, just that she doesn't know the exact reason WHY it is. 

You need to expose. Puts your wife in her place, helps OMW, and gains you respect.

If you want to hide their affair then all you are doing is assisting them as their accomplice.


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## donkler (May 21, 2012)

Yes Expose, Yesterday.

Also when they say "I don't know if I want to commit to our marriage".......In English its means "NO"


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## Carlton (Sep 15, 2012)

Happiest by the water said:


> My wife and I have been together almost 30 years and a month ago she told me that she didn't want to be married anymore (it was the old *"I still love you but I'm not in love with you and it's not you, it's me).* She said that we had grown apart and that she couldn't see spending the rest of her life with me.
> 
> *I got pretty much the same thing, your marriage is over*
> 
> ...


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## Happiest by the water (Dec 12, 2012)

Wow - this is all really helpful (and consistent with what my friends are telling me). It is so helpful just to be able to talk with others who have gone through the same thing. I really appreciate everyone's support.


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## Carlton (Sep 15, 2012)

Happiest by the water said:


> I won't rat the other guy out to his wife as she's done nothing wrong (and it's not my place to make her miserable). There are other issues with the two of them but as long as it's over (and I'm sure it is) - it's no longer an issue.
> 
> I know I allowed myself to be a doormat for her but love makes you do funny things.


TELL THE OM's WIFE NOW. Do it or you will regret it later. I will put money down that the affair will start again, at least she thinks it will.

The OM obviously doesn't want her to know, he will probably try to save his marriage like you are, and really kick your wife to the curb. They are lying in wait right now. Even if he does leave his wife for her, you aren't losing anything but a cheating spouse. She will cheat on him too.

STOP BEING A DOORMAT. Grown some nuts, NOW!!!! I know it is tough, but everyone here sees exactly what is going on. You see through your own clouded lovey eyes.

It has happened a million times before and will a million times more. All of these people here know what they are doing. File now, so you can be rid of her sooner and cruise for chicks. OR, get her back on board sooner.

P.S. When you expose and she gets mad at you for telling his wife, you know she is gone and is playing you.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Happiest by the water said:


> We have been living in separate bedrooms for the past three weeks and she just moved to her own apartment last weekend. I won't rat the other guy out to his wife as she's done nothing wrong (and it's not my place to make her miserable). There are other issues with the two of them but as long as it's over (and I'm sure it is) - it's no longer an issue.
> 
> I agree that my wife checked out a long time ago (she said that this has been a long time in coming) and that she must have so little respect for me to be able to easily do this with the long term affair partner (after she admitted the affair to me but before I found out the details, she would text him right in front of me and when I'd complain and tell her that she needed to end the affair , she'd tell me not to push her to make a choice as I wouldn't like the choice that she would make).
> 
> I know I allowed myself to be a doormat for her but love makes you do funny things.


You say you don't want to make his wife miserable. So, you let it go, let him live a lie, ready to hop in the sack with some other woman. You have no idea what this man has been exposed to in the past. You really have no idea if your wife has told the entire truth about how many other men she has slept with. She could have picked something up and passed it to you or even to the OM without knowing it. Or, the OM could have done the same thing to your wife or his wife. The OMW needs to be aware of what a POS her husband is. And it's very possible she DOES know, and just doesn't have the PROOF because he was deleting everything. She deserves to know what she's married to.

As Kasler pointed out, it's about respect. What the OMW does with the information is up to her, but you need to tell her, if for no other reason than that she can get tested for STDs, which he could very well have brought home to her.

Tell the woman. Personally, I'd be LIVID if someone knew my husband was cheating and didn't say anything to me because they felt "it isn't my place to tell." That's a cop out.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Carlton said:


> TELL THE OM's WIFE NOW. Do it or you will regret it later. I will put money down that the affair will start again, at least she thinks it will.
> 
> The OM obviously doesn't want her to know, he will probably try to save his marriage like you are, and really kick your wife to the curb. They are lying in wait right now. Even if he does leave his wife for her, you aren't losing anything but a cheating spouse. She will cheat on him too.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Awesome post!


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

HbtW,

Similar story here... at 30 years marriage, find out my wife has been serially cheating for the last 6+ years of marriage, the last was her new "soul mate" and was planning to leave for Fantasy Island el pronto. 

A major concern you have... Trust. In truth, you will never fully trust your wife again regardless of R or D. That being said, you can still have a relationship. If you R, you get to join us in the "Trust and Verify Brigade." Just the way it is.

Memories... Honest, you will never forget. Her betrayal is now apart of your marriage. Whether you can live with it (the 800 pounder in the corner)... only time knows. In 6 months to a year or two you will be given your answer. There just no crystal ball when it comes to R. 

Lastly, stop with the "Man Law" bs and expose the OM today. I sense you somewhat worry/concern that it will make your wife mad and she will react. Do you understand... you need to know exactly her reaction to this exposure. It will give you an idea of the "Trust" that you wonder about. Regardless, would you wanted to be in the dark if the roles were reversed.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I thought it was rather funny that she got mad at you for getting to the truth of the OM and him finding out and dropping her. It shows that he wasnt willing to lose what he had (his wife, family, etc) for your wife. That should tell your wife how little she really meant to him! You should keep reminding her of that!!

You really need to tell the OMW. I understand you dont want to stir up a mess for her or her children but she needs to know what/who she is married to. If they choose to work on it then her eyes will be open to who he really is and next time it wont be so easy for him. And not to be rude to you in any way, but maybe she will go nuclear on her husband and it will put your wife in her place since you cant!


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## donkler (May 21, 2012)

I did many silly, seemingly weak things when my Ex wife walked, but exposing the affair to the other woman was the proudest thing I did for myself.

It blew the secrecy of the relationship out of the water, it didnt stop it, but boy it had to go deep deep underground.

Until the OM's wife left him


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Happiest by the water said:


> HOW CAN I EVER TRUST HER AGAIN. My wife has always been a very selfish person. It's always been about her, and what she wants. Even if we get past all of this and reconcile, how do I ever trust her again. If she's working late in the city, traveling on business, or has a dinner meeting - how do I know that she hasn't slipped into another affair or is screwing some random guy? I am the jealous type and this is driving me crazy. She now tells me that she is sorry that she told me the truth about her affair and her one night stand (apparently lying came easy to her).
> 
> No matter how good things are with her in the future, I will always have that nagging doubt in my mind. She tells me that she had the affair because she was filling a void. She's a narcissist and needs constant adoration by others (she has told me so many times over the years how many guys have hit on her because she is so beautiful and successful). I worry that no matter what I do to make her happy, that some guy will smile at her, tell her wonderful things, and they will end up in bed together. I think it will drive me crazy for the rest of my life.
> 
> ...


Well isn't that what all of us are going through, there is no way to ever completely trust her again you just have to make a decision- step into the unknown, leave and make new life for yourself, or can you live with the daily pressure(hell torture) that given her personality she will probably do this again. 
I should know I deal with the same thing, she is so selfish that you know there WILL come a time where she cheats again, after all that void she has needs to be filled and unfortunately there are enough scum who will be ready to jump in if given the opportunity.
So back to it, start anew with the opportunity to find someone who will treat you with love (although this is never a sure thing), or stay and hope that this incident will wake her up and she will be faithful to you (a gamble).
Which way to choose? Who knows I still haven't figured it out, don't know if I will or I can, not strong enough probably never will be.


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## Happiest by the water (Dec 12, 2012)

OMW is pregnant and has almost lost the baby several times (from what my wife tells me). I'd hate to be responsible for pushing her over the edge (if that is indeed the case). OM told my wife that he was in a loveless marriage and that he had planned to leave his wife (isn't that always the case) but then his wife tricked him into having another baby (sounds like a Lifetime movie). With her pregnant, he couldn't leave her. That said, when he found out that I knew who he was, he dropped my wife like a hot potato. He said that he couldn't afford to put his pregnant wife at risk. I say that it was all fun and games until he was at risk of getting caught.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Whoa... I want to ask you what do you think love is? 

Does the person you decide to love need to have any kind of traits or values that matter to you?

A woman who will have an affiar with a man who's wife is home pregnant and has suffered the tragedies mentioned to me is nothing but evil... Does the person YOU CHOOSE to give your life to need to have any kind of qualities? Please think about this.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

I'm usually pro-marriage, but F this. Tell the OMW, and file on your cheater W today. IF she fights like hell to make things right with you, you can always stop the D process later. Doubt she will, b/c she checked out years ago. Sorry.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Happiest by the Water: Sorry for what you're going through. Your story is almost identical to mine. My STBXW is very successful and very good looking too. She is totally independent, financially and is totally capable of supporting herself. Like your wife, she is narcissistic, to the point of me thinking she may have a form of NPD. 

The one thing in your story that is more positive than mine is that your wife's affairs actually came out during counselling. My wife and I did counselling TWICE and none of that came out. In fact, it wasn't until we separated that my wife confessed to a PA (after letting me believe it was an EA for 3 years).

To rebuild trust - you need to feel that ALL of your questions have been answered. Your wife will need to be willing to expose herself and all of the dirty laundry has to be aired out between you to YOUR satisfaction. You also really need to think if it is possible for you to rebuild your trust. Maybe you don't know the answer to this - but you need to think about it. IF you find that you have nagging doubts about your wife's honesty and total transparency, any Reconciliation is doomed to failure.

My advice would be to get into counselling, make sure that you get ALL of your questions answered and don't waste any time with false R's and rug sweeping (which is what I did and wasted 3 years of my life). 

I too went through a stage where I was thinking 24/7 about "winning her back" and acting like her doormat. It can't be done. She has to decide and the best thing in the meantime is to move on. At the end of the day, you will either get back together because she sees you and wants you back. Worst case, you have moved on, made yourself better, and you can meet somebody for your second chapter of your life.

But stay strong - I know it's tough after such a long-term marriage (25 years for me). Good luck.


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## Happiest by the water (Dec 12, 2012)

I know. It's so strange that you think you know your wife so well after almost 30 years together. If you had asked me two months ago if I ever thought she was capable of this, I would have said absolutely not. Of course once I learned about it, I thought back to all the years we have been together. A good friend reminded me of a time around 15 years ago that she had come back from a late night dinner meeting in town. She had a napkin that she had thrown out in our trash that I read. The note said "you look so fxcking hot in that outfit- I bet every guy here wants to get into your pants - John". I confronted my wife about the napkin and she said that it was just a joke from a friend who was at the dinner and was pretty drunk. I guess I should have learned from that lesson (and her comments over the years about how many guys have hit on her).


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Happiest by the water said:


> OMW is pregnant and has almost lost the baby several times (from what my wife tells me). I'd hate to be responsible for pushing her over the edge (if that is indeed the case). OM told my wife that he was in a loveless marriage and that he had planned to leave his wife (isn't that always the case) but then his wife tricked him into having another baby (sounds like a Lifetime movie). With her pregnant, he couldn't leave her. That said, when he found out that I knew who he was, he dropped my wife like a hot potato. He said that he couldn't afford to put his pregnant wife at risk. I say that it was all fun and games until he was at risk of getting caught.


What a pathetic pack of lies. The AP is always going to leave, is always unhappy, etc. Until they fear their H/W finding out and then it all changes. Ok...so with all that said about the wife you just have to wait til she has the baby and then tell her. She has to be told!

The day I found my WH was having an affair (I saw his work email where OW had sent him an email asking him to run to get a salad with her at lunchtime and that she loved and missed him. They worked at the same damn place and she could look out her office window and see him, it was sickening). I jumped in the car went straight to the place they were going for lunch. Sat shaking in my car waiting for them to pull up. Waited and waited and got tired of waiting so I headed to his work, pulled through the parking lot and just as I approached his and her vehicle they were walking out and getting in. He saw me and freaked out. It was a scene straight from the movies. Anyway I told him I was done and drove home hysterically crying. He followed me all the way home took some of his stuff and went back to work. That afternoon I called the OWH and told him who I was and ironically enough he was already suspicious. I just confirmed it for him.

I dont want you to tell the OMW to hurt her or upset her, I want you to tell her because she deserves to be happy and he is most likely telling her everything she wants to hear and doing what he wants on the side. No one wants to live a lie!! If you dont tell her now he wont stop, in a year from now she might find out and it might be someone else but she has wasted a year with the POSOM living a lie of a marriage! Thats why you need to tell her!


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Happiest: The thing is, when things were great between us (and I am sure this is the same for you), incidents like having men flirt or give eyes to my wife never bothered me - because I KNEW we were solid. And we were. It was only after kids, growing apart, and living separate lives (doing single activities while the other looked after the kids) that things started to fall apart. The difference between my wife and I is that I didn't build a secret second life and I embraced parenthood as fun, whereas my wife did it more like a job. So eventually her secret second life started to become more and more attractive. But it was great for about 20 years.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

You don't. Leave her.


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## Happiest by the water (Dec 12, 2012)

The intellectual side of me says that I can never, ever, ever trust her again (because once you are a liar and a cheat, you will always be a liar and a cheat - there is no way to "put the toothpaste back in the tube"). The emotional side of me says that this is the woman I've spent 30 years with, who is the mother of my two kids (both in their 20's) and that I have loved every day for three decades.

I hope time, counseling, and advice will bring clarity to the situation.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Happiest by the water said:


> The intellectual side of me says that I can never, ever, ever trust her again (because once you are a liar and a cheat, you will always be a liar and a cheat - there is no way to "put the toothpaste back in the tube"). The emotional side of me says that this is the woman I've spent 30 years with, who is the mother of my two kids (both in their 20's) and that I have loved every day for three decades.
> 
> I hope time, counseling, and advice will bring clarity to the situation.


Forget counseling with her if she wants to do ic fine but mc would be a waste of money imo.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Ok, so lets touch on this " I love her more than life itself ".
Now this " my wife has always been a selfish woman ".
And this " my wife is a narcis "
What I'm trying to get you to see, is that she has been having affairs your whole marriage. AND,,, bc you love her more then life, you never saw it.

I don't even have to tell you how comfortable her and the note guy 15 ago was, for him to feel it was OK to give her the napkin. AP dude.

What you may want to do is ask for DNA on the kids. 
What you NEED to do, is stay as far away from this train wreck as you can.
And get some IC for your codepend. For there is nothing healthy about loving someone more than life. There just ain't.

But if you want to torture yourself, ask her to take a polygraph that these was the only two during your marriage.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

Happiest by the water said:


> The intellectual side of me says that I can never, ever, ever trust her again (because once you are a liar and a cheat, you will always be a liar and a cheat - there is no way to "put the toothpaste back in the tube"). The emotional side of me says that this is the woman I've spent 30 years with, who is the mother of my two kids (both in their 20's) and that I have loved every day for three decades.
> 
> I hope time, counseling, and advice will bring clarity to the situation.


Your brain is logical, your heart is emotional. Listen to your brain.

You need to inform the OMW. Do not listen to what your wife and OM told you about his marriage. Do not let their lies influence you on making the right decision. The OMW has a right to know regardless or the state of her marriage. Do you feel you had a right to know your wife was F*cking around on you? Then, you need to inform.

You also need to tell your children. You need to expose this. 
Your wife needs to deal with the consequences of her actions. 

Do not be that guy who helps move his wife out of the marital home. Please tell me she moved all the heavy things herself or hired a moving company. She will have no respect for you if you helped move her to the new apartment.


Eta: you need to define what "love" means to you. Her definition of love is the complete opposite.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Happiest by the water said:


> I hope time, counseling, and advice will bring clarity to the situation.


Sound more like you think counseling will help you figure out how to keep allowing you to bury your head in the sand.

I want you to know something. Your wife is wondering what type of man you are to put up with her as a wife. And she's not drawing conclusions that you are a good one.


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## Happiest by the water (Dec 12, 2012)

yes - I was enough of a sucker that I did help her move her stuff to her new place. I know that in order for her to use me, I had to enable her and allow myself to be used. That's what IC is doing for me. In every relationship, the give and take is never 50/50. I guess in our relationship, it was more like 99/01. Amazing how love turns our brains into mush.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Happiest by the water said:


> OMW is pregnant and has almost lost the baby several times (from what my wife tells me). I'd hate to be responsible for pushing her over the edge (if that is indeed the case). OM told my wife that he was in a loveless marriage and that he had planned to leave his wife (isn't that always the case) but then his wife tricked him into having another baby (sounds like a Lifetime movie). With her pregnant, he couldn't leave her. That said, when he found out that I knew who he was, he dropped my wife like a hot potato. He said that he couldn't afford to put his pregnant wife at risk. I say that it was all fun and games until he was at risk of getting caught.


Apart from what your wife has told you, how do you know the OMW is pregnant. Remember, your wife has been lying to you for a long time. You can't trust anything she says )or that OM says). They are both in damage control and want to avoid any unpleasentries.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

You said : "She's a narcissist and needs constant adoration by others (she has told me so many times over the years how many guys have hit on her because she is so beautiful and successful)."

You also said that you overlooked that vulgar note written on the napkin.

I am sorry to tell you this Happiest, but you have buried your head in the sand for years about your wife's behavior because you just didn't want to know the truth. She is most likely a serial cheater, and since it sounds like she travels for work a lot, seems to have the opportunity to be one fairly easily. She was cake eating with you this whole time. Sorry, I really and truly am sorry.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Happiest by the water said:


> yes - I was enough of a sucker that I did help her move her stuff to her new place. I know that in order for her to use me, I had to enable her and allow myself to be used. That's what IC is doing for me. In every relationship, the give and take is never 50/50. I guess in our relationship, it was more like 99/01. Amazing how love turns our brains into mush.


Stop doing anything for her. Treat every request from her as if it were from the guy behind the counter at Starbucks. That is how far out of your way you should go for her.

Some suggested reading for you is No More Mr. Nice Guy and Hold On To Your Nuts. Study them.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Happiest by the water said:


> OMW is pregnant and has almost lost the baby several times (from what my wife tells me). I'd hate to be responsible for pushing her over the edge (if that is indeed the case). OM told my wife that he was in a loveless marriage and that he had planned to leave his wife (isn't that always the case) but then his wife tricked him into having another baby (sounds like a Lifetime movie). With her pregnant, he couldn't leave her. That said, when he found out that I knew who he was, he dropped my wife like a hot potato. He said that he couldn't afford to put his pregnant wife at risk. I say that it was all fun and games until he was at risk of getting caught.


Don't believe a single thing your wife has told you about the OM, his marriage or the OMW.

1. The OM is obviously not going to tell you wife that his marriage is great he just wants to boink her. He's going to your wife that he's lost, lonely, and his wife hates him. 

2. Don't believe the stuff about being pregnant or even about the problems with pregnancy. It's either lies your wife has been told, or it's lies your wife is playing up to protect her AP.

The fact is your wife is holding out hoping the AP chooses her. So far he hasn't, but like you're hoping you wife comes around, she is hoping he comes around.

What you do know it the OM has chosen is wife over yours. For the moment. when things settle down and he has a chance, and your wife convinces him it's safe they'll be meeting up again.

you absolutely need to tell the OMW, not to hurt her, but to:

1. Get the OM to be focusing on his own marriage.
2. Get his wife as an ally to watch him and make sure the affair has stopped and stays stopped.
3. To take him off the table as an option to your wife, because that's what she still sees him as. You need him to really throw her under the bus to save himself. this is critical for your marriage to have any chance.

Don't rugsweep and try to nice your wife back into being faithful. You will fail. It makes you weak and unattractive when you don't show the strength to stand up to her an to take decisive action to the deal with the OM.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Happiest by the water said:


> yes - I was enough of a sucker that I did help her move her stuff to her new place. I know that in order for her to use me, I had to enable her and allow myself to be used. That's what IC is doing for me. In every relationship, the give and take is never 50/50. I guess in our relationship, it was more like 99/01. Amazing how love turns our brains into mush.


Who's paying the apartment? 

You do realize the apartment's purpose is to give her freedom and safe place to pursue the OM from right?

You're problem right now isn't about trust. It's about stopping your wife from cheating. Just because she isn't having sex with the OM currently, doesn't mean she's faithful or has any intention of being faithful.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Happiest by the water said:


> yes - I was enough of a sucker that I did help her move her stuff to her new place. I know that in order for her to use me, I had to enable her and allow myself to be used. That's what IC is doing for me. In every relationship, the give and take is never 50/50. I guess in our relationship, it was more like 99/01. Amazing how love turns our brains into mush.


Hey, don't beat yourself up about it. I did the same thing (helping her get her place ready). Do you have kids? The main reason I helped her was to see if it was OK for my kids. It wasn't - so I helped get it into shape. Yeah, I was suckered in the sense that my wife used me - but the kids benefitted.

I too realize that for the past 5 years it has been a 90/10 relationship. That in itself created a lot of problems. But again, it was our wives who chose to cheat. THEIR DECISION TO CHEAT WAS NOT OUR FAULT.

I still have strong feelings for my wife. Very strong. But it is a question of character - and my wife has failed the test, repeatedly. So I know that if I let her back into my life, it will probably result in more pain because her basic character is flawed. It's tough and I really can't say for sure if I am going to successfully detach from her - I am trying to, but with the holidays coming I KNOW the kids are going to want to see her a few times and they are with me - so that makes it a tough decision. Even our mediator is saying that Christmas should be shared this year in some way (eg - have Christmas eve together or let my wife and kids spend Christmas eve together, in which case - I lose them for one of the best nights of the year). 

Rely upon IC and forums like this to get advice and try to follow it. It is a tough battle between your senses and your instincts and what you see with your own eyes - and the feelings and memories you carry in your heart. ETA - just try to remember that the feelings and memories are HISTORY. You are attached to HISTORY, not the reality of the present. I keep making the same mistake.

I know exactly what you are going through.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Did someone hack this site?

I see options for Facebook, Reddit, Diggit, etc. and I can't 'like' posts. Heck, I can't even post without quoting and deleting the quote. Mods, help.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

It's fixed. Thanks!


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## Happiest by the water (Dec 12, 2012)

I can't tell you how helpful all of this is. In answer to the question about who is paying for her apartment, right now we both still deposit our paychecks into our joint account and pay all bills together so the answer is that we are both paying for our house and her apartment. Funny thing is that when she wanted to end the relationship, she asked me to move out and I responded NFW - it's my house too and I've done nothing wrong. For the first few weeks when we were in this funny in between state, she lived in a bedroom in our basement with a very uncomfortable bed (which I was happy about).

I know that I should move on but at this point I'm not ready to leave 30 years behind. I agree with everything that's been said here about here having taken advantage of me our whole relationship (but I do believe that there was some good somewhere in our marriage). As our kids are in their 20's, they are not a concern (other than that we haven't told them yet and that they will both be hurt by it). Not sure if I will throw my wife under the bus with the kids (telling them that she was fxcking two other guys while we were married). At some point I probably will be that nasty (especially if my wife is difficult in the divorce). The challenge that we have in the divorce is that I'm actually the one entitled to alimony (we both make a good living but she makes twice as much as I do and where I live - the law is very clear that I'm owed alimony - even though I'm male not female). I deserve alimony - especially after what's she's done.

Of course this is made even more difficult by the fact that she invited me to dinner this Sunday night at her new apartment (and we may go to the movies on Saturday night). The smart person in me says that I should say no, but the emotional person in me isn't ready to let go yet. Very confusing to say the least.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Happiest by the water said:


> I can't tell you how helpful all of this is. In answer to the question about who is paying for her apartment, right now we both still deposit our paychecks into our joint account and pay all bills together so the answer is that we are both paying for our house and her apartment. Funny thing is that when she wanted to end the relationship, she asked me to move out and I responded NFW - it's my house too and I've done nothing wrong. For the first few weeks when we were in this funny in between state, she lived in a bedroom in our basement with a very uncomfortable bed (which I was happy about).
> 
> I know that I should move on but at this point I'm not ready to leave 30 years behind. I agree with everything that's been said here about here having taken advantage of me our whole relationship (but I do believe that there was some good somewhere in our marriage). As our kids are in their 20's, they are not a concern (other than that we haven't told them yet and that they will both be hurt by it). Not sure if I will throw my wife under the bus with the kids (telling them that she was fxcking two other guys while we were married). At some point I probably will be that nasty (especially if my wife is difficult in the divorce). The challenge that we have in the divorce is that I'm actually the one entitled to alimony (we both make a good living but she makes twice as much as I do and where I live - the law is very clear that I'm owed alimony - even though I'm male not female). I deserve alimony - especially after what's she's done.
> 
> Of course this is made even more difficult by the fact that she invited me to dinner this Sunday night at her new apartment (and we may go to the movies on Saturday night). The smart person in me says that I should say no, but the emotional person in me isn't ready to let go yet. Very confusing to say the least.


Well how much more abuse are you willing to put up with. If your friends and this forum are telling you the same thing are you willing to listen? I would detach from her file for divorce and see if she does the heavy lifting to get you back but her history says otherwise. You can always stop the divorce process. Time to take a stand imo. Good luck.Tell her you have plans this weekend!


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## Carlton (Sep 15, 2012)

Happiest by the water said:


> I hope time, counseling, and advice will bring clarity to the situation.


In time, you will regret you decision. Just like I did.

Call your lawyer and FILE TODAY. If she wants to work on things, tell her she has until the papers are singed to do so, otherwise, see ya!


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Happiest by the water said:


> I can't tell you how helpful all of this is. In answer to the question about who is paying for her apartment, right now we both still deposit our paychecks into our joint account and pay all bills together so the answer is that we are both paying for our house and her apartment. Funny thing is that when she wanted to end the relationship, she asked me to move out and I responded NFW - it's my house too and I've done nothing wrong. For the first few weeks when we were in this funny in between state, she lived in a bedroom in our basement with a very uncomfortable bed (which I was happy about).
> 
> I know that I should move on but at this point I'm not ready to leave 30 years behind. I agree with everything that's been said here about here having taken advantage of me our whole relationship (but I do believe that there was some good somewhere in our marriage). As our kids are in their 20's, they are not a concern (other than that we haven't told them yet and that they will both be hurt by it). Not sure if I will throw my wife under the bus with the kids (telling them that she was fxcking two other guys while we were married). At some point I probably will be that nasty (especially if my wife is difficult in the divorce). The challenge that we have in the divorce is that I'm actually the one entitled to alimony (we both make a good living but she makes twice as much as I do and where I live - the law is very clear that I'm owed alimony - even though I'm male not female). I deserve alimony - especially after what's she's done.
> 
> Of course this is made even more difficult by the fact that she invited me to dinner this Sunday night at her new apartment (and we may go to the movies on Saturday night). The smart person in me says that I should say no, but the emotional person in me isn't ready to let go yet. Very confusing to say the least.


This is so much like my story it is not funny. The only difference is my kids are younger (almost 12 and 14).

Even the inviting for dinner part is identical. She is doing that to show you that you are still "friends", and to ease her own conscience. I went with our kids and had takeout. Two days later, my wife was cooking a meal for her new love-interest (which fizzled out BTW)...

At least your kids are old enough to know the reality of the situation. My kids are still too young - so we've been shielding them from the worst details. My wife gets off easy here - but it's what my IC as well as the mediator suggests. If they ask questions, I am truthful in response - but never badmouth my wife in front of them. They will eventually know the truth.


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## Happiest by the water (Dec 12, 2012)

Ironically we are scheduled to spend a week in Florida at a condo that we own for Christmas and New Years with our daughter. As of now we are still planning on going. We are getting along but I realize that means nothing (especially since she finds it so easy to use me). She is keeping her options open (why not have your cake and eat it too). I want clarity and most likely to move on (without her). I'm just so torn about leaving a 30 year relationship without even trying (although no matter how hard I try - there will always be that question of whether she's doing what she wants for her and not for me or for us).

She keeps telling me how sorry she is, and how she's so ashamed and can't live with herself. However, she found it pretty easy to fxck him on a regular basis and not just have a sexual relationship but a deep emotional connection too.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Happiest by the water said:


> Ironically we are scheduled to spend a week in Florida at a condo that we own for Christmas and New Years with our daughter. As of now we are still planning on going. We are getting along but I realize that means nothing (especially since she finds it so easy to use me). She is keeping her options open (why not have your cake and eat it too). I want clarity and most likely to move on (without her). I'm just so torn about leaving a 30 year relationship without even trying (although no matter how hard I try - there will always be that question of whether she's doing what she wants for her and not for me or for us).
> 
> She keeps telling me how sorry she is, and how she's so ashamed and can't live with herself. However, she found it pretty easy to fxck him on a regular basis and not just have a sexual relationship but a deep emotional connection too.


Ok she is keeping her options open, you keep YOUR options open! Tell your daughter what's up and plans may change.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Happiest by the water said:


> Ironically we are scheduled to spend a week in Florida at a condo that we own for Christmas and New Years with our daughter. As of now we are still planning on going. We are getting along but I realize that means nothing (especially since she finds it so easy to use me). She is keeping her options open (why not have your cake and eat it too). I want clarity and most likely to move on (without her). I'm just so torn about leaving a 30 year relationship without even trying (although no matter how hard I try - there will always be that question of whether she's doing what she wants for her and not for me or for us).
> 
> She keeps telling me how sorry she is, and how she's so ashamed and can't live with herself. However, she found it pretty easy to fxck him on a regular basis and not just have a sexual relationship but a deep emotional connection too.


If she cared at all about fixing the relationship she would have never left the house. Now look how easy she has it. She can have you around when she wants you and the rest of the time she can be "free". F*ck that, doesnt it make you mad?


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## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Apart from what your wife has told you, how do you know the OMW is pregnant. Remember, your wife has been lying to you for a long time. You can't trust anything she says )or that OM says). They are both in damage control and want to avoid any unpleasentries.


Cheaters lie...period. They also lie to each other...so he may have said this stuff to your wife, but he may be lying to her, or she may be lying to you about the whole story. Cheaters lie...they are good at it.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Happiest by the water said:


> I won't rat the other guy out to his wife as she's done nothing wrong (and it's not my place to make her miserable). There are other issues with the two of them but as long as it's over (and I'm sure it is) - it's no longer an issue.


Echoing what everyone else said, you WILL regret not telling the OMW. You are basically letting him get away with screwing your wife and covering for him to do it again to his wife with other women. Just let her know and leave it up to her what she wants to do with the info.
If she found out first wouldn’t you want her to tell you?




> I know that I should move on but at this point I'm not ready to leave 30 years behind.


You don’t have a choice; you are trying to fight a battle that has already been lost.

The worst thing you can do right now is try to save this whether you want to R or not. Any attempt to “win” her back will backfire as it shows her you have such little respect for yourself that you would still want someone ever after that walk all over you like this. A “real man” so to speak would not put up with her nonsense and she knows it.

Whether you want to R of D you do the same thing, do a 180 and file and go as NC as possible. The more you distance yourself form her the more she will want you PLUS you will be able to see her for what she really is. You can then ask yourself if this is the type of person you really want to be with without being blinded by co-dependency issues.

From what you posted, it sounds like you’d be better off without her.


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## donkler (May 21, 2012)

So in short - Actions speak louder than words.

If shes sorry, her actions will reflect it. Any words that come out of her mouth should be disregarded.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Expose to the omw today it is the right thing to do she deserves to know.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

You know your a doormat and your wife sure as hell knows your one as well. She'll will say any lazy, bold, unbelievable excuse and expect you to trust her because you already allowed and accepted her actions so far. 

Its real convenient that she is concerned about the OMW is having a baby and telling her will make her lose it. It HorseS#$t, and amazing you believe anything that comes out of her mouth. All you know bout the affair what she tells you. Expose the affair and stop protecting the man who is [email protected]#ing your so called wife.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You keep saying how hard it is to leave 30 yrs behind. But 30 yrs of what? Cheating, lying, deception, a secret life of a single woman on the road, playing at being the "faithful" wife at home.

You gave 30 years of faithful honest love to the marriage. What did you get in return? Not much. Did she admit to when the other affair happened? Your marriage ended then, you just didn't know it. So it was a 30 years marriage to you - not to her. It was probably more like 10-15 years - the rest was a lie.

What burns me up is that she seems to want some kind of credit or applause for not fvcking every guy that hit on her. Like that somehow makes the two affairs she did have not as bad. It has been and will be all about her. That is what you have to look forward to.

Please take what others here have said to heart. She is a serial cheater and probably a narcissist. You can never trust her again.


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## Happiest by the water (Dec 12, 2012)

At this point I don't care about the AP as I know it's really over. Everyone here seems to have a very consistent message which is to move on. In fact not one person said to give her another chance or see about reconciliation.  I guess every day that I wait to see what I'm going to do is wasting a day of what should be the next (hopefully wonderful) chapter in my life.


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## Carlton (Sep 15, 2012)

Happiest by the water said:


> Ironically we are scheduled to spend a week in Florida at a condo that we own for Christmas and New Years with our daughter. As of now we are still planning on going. *We are getting along but I realize that means nothing* *(especially since she finds it so easy to use me)*. She is keeping her options open (why not have your cake and eat it too). I want clarity and most likely to move on (without her). I'm just so torn about leaving a 30 year relationship without even trying (although no matter how hard I try - there will always be that question of whether *she's doing what she wants for her and not for me or for us*).
> 
> She keeps telling me how sorry she is, and how she's so ashamed and can't live with herself. However, she found it pretty easy to fxck him on a regular basis and not just have a sexual relationship but a deep emotional connection too.


I would skip this, personally. Let your daughter know why you aren't going if she asks.

My wife was sorry too, but keeps going back for more of this guy. Do not be a fool like me, file and move on.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Happiest by the water said:


> At this point I don't care about the AP as I know it's really over. Everyone here seems to have a very consistent message which is to move on. In fact not one person said to give her another chance or see about reconciliation. I guess every day that I wait to see what I'm going to do is wasting a day of what should be the next (hopefully wonderful) chapter in my life.


It's your decision it's your life you asked for opinions and got solid advice. You can support her cheating if you want or you can be free of her and find happiness again the ball is in your court.


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## Carlton (Sep 15, 2012)

Happiest by the water said:


> At this point I don't care about the AP as I know it's really over. Everyone here seems to have a very consistent message which is to move on. *In fact not one person said to give her another chance or see about reconciliation. * I guess every day that I wait to see what I'm going to do is wasting a day of what should be the next (hopefully wonderful) chapter in my life.


Not true. We are giving you steps. The first step is to file for divorce.

Whether she wants to come back or wants to end it, the first step is to file for divorce.

I personally don't think that you have a chance in Hell, but either way you want to go, D or R, you have to file either way. I am all for R, but it is a pipe dream in most cases, I think this one too.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your wife has no interest in fixing what she has done to the marriage. She left the marriage bed for the basement and now she's moved out into her own pad.

She chosen to leave. She's already had chosen the OM over you, but he dumped her. She'll no doubt see if she can loure him back with a full court press.

You should file this week, and seek spousal support. Right now at this minute you do not have a wife. You have an ex wife you have dinner with and possibly sharing a condo with. There is no wife.

She isn't filing because not only would that clearly show she is a common cheater who left for her OM, but she realizes that she will have to pay you. This way is perfect for her.

She can date, have lovers sleep over, spend hours on the phone with them, just like a divorced woman, but she doesn't have to pay you a think, or lawyer fees, and she's got you to fix things and be at her all when she's lonely and wants someone to listen to her complain.

The men she'll be dating wont put up her complaining, they'll only be getting the sex and fun part.

You need to stop enabling her lifestyle and file.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Happiest by the water said:


> We have been living in separate bedrooms for the past three weeks and she just moved to her own apartment last weekend. I won't rat the other guy out to his wife as she's done nothing wrong (and it's not my place to make her miserable). There are other issues with the two of them but as long as it's over (and I'm sure it is) - it's no longer an issue.
> 
> I agree that my wife checked out a long time ago (she said that this has been a long time in coming) and that she must have so little respect for me to be able to easily do this with the long term affair partner (after she admitted the affair to me but before I found out the details, she would text him right in front of me and when I'd complain and tell her that she needed to end the affair , she'd tell me not to push her to make a choice as I wouldn't like the choice that she would make).
> 
> I know I allowed myself to be a doormat for her but love makes you do funny things.



Love makes you do that....??

Absolutely having no spine does!!

You can only stop getting deeper in the mess when you dare look at yourself and stop being a cuckold. :scratchhead:


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

I'm sorry you are going through this. You have been given a lot of good, solid advice and insight here. I don't think I could really add anything to it except to say that I am/was in a very similar situation with a WW that sounds very similar to yours...selfish, narcissistic...etc. 

I ended up wasting 2 years of my life in a false R because I thought she would change. I finally I came to my senses and filed for divorce. That was the worst 2 years of my life...it really aged me. Do your self a favor and learn from other peoples mistakes instead of your own. I think we are about the same age and I was scared. Scared of losing her, scared of being alone, scared of starting over, scared of the financial rape I would endure, and scared for my children. 

My divorce will be final in a month. Now I feel empowered and regret not doing it sooner. I also regret not contacting the POSOM's wife in the beginning. She deserves to know who she is married to. I wish someone would have contacted me about my STBXWW's affair and gave me a heads up...I would have been grateful. I'm sure she would as well.

I look at it this way. Either I never really knew her or she has evolved into someone whom I would have never married in the first place. I will never trust her again. If you ever trust your WW again...that will be up to her...not you. Do you really think she is capable of doing that kind of heavy lifting and self reflection necessary to fix this mess? There will always be doubts in your mind. You will never forget. You must consider the extent of damage that she has done to you, your marriage, your family, and to herself. Sometimes it just better to start over then rebuild. Rebuilding could take many, many years and may not be successful in the end.


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## Happiest by the water (Dec 12, 2012)

Agreed!


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Happy they saying "He who cares the least wins" your wife by her actions doesnt care about 30 years of marriage it only means something to you. I agree with what the other posters have said the sooner you file the sooner you will know where she stands also the sooner the ball will bounce on your side of the court change the game and File 

Nothing changes nothing changes


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

To quote one of my favorite movies:

"Fear is the mind killer."

You are afraid and that is understandable. But the fear has you frozen and you are trying to rationalize the "do nothing" option.

Nothing will improve until you overcome the fear and take action.


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## Happiest by the water (Dec 12, 2012)

I have already interviewed several lawyers and expect to pull the trigger on the D based upon the advice here today. Thanks everyone - I think I have clarity on the situation.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Happiest by the water said:


> I have already interviewed several lawyers and expect to pull the trigger on the D based upon the advice here today. Thanks everyone - I think I have clarity on the situation.


You are doing the right thing I wish nothing but the best for you let family and friends know after you file take it one day at a time.


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## Carlton (Sep 15, 2012)

If you have nay more doubts, there was a new thread started...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/62924-bs-fog-regrets-how-you-handled.html

This is the biggest pool of hindsight that there is right now. Read it and you will see that what we are telling you needs to be done. You may regret it in the end if you don't.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You said:



> ...I know that I should move on but at this point I'm not ready to leave 30 years behind....


Friend, you've been left behind years ago. Just because you just found out doesn't mean it isn't true. You'rs still in shock and have a fantasy that she's been faithful for 30 years. 

I agree that _someone _was faithful - you. But as the days go by you will come to realize _you were the only one_. Sucks doesn't it.


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## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

Happiest by the water said:


> I have already interviewed several lawyers and expect to pull the trigger on the D based upon the advice here today. Thanks everyone - I think I have clarity on the situation.


Please, please, please call the other posOM's wife! She deserves to know!!!! Also you may save someone else's marriage...this guy will do it again if he gets away with it.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Happiest by the water said:


> yes - I was enough of a sucker that I did help her move her stuff to her new place. I know that in order for her to use me, I had to enable her and allow myself to be used. That's what IC is doing for me. In every relationship, the give and take is never 50/50. I guess in our relationship, it was more like 99/01. Amazing how love turns our brains into mush.


My marriage was not even close to the length of yours. Did you get utimatums all the time from her. Things like, "If you don't do this _______, Our marriage is over?"


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Happiest by the water said:


> At this point I don't care about the AP as I know it's really over. Everyone here seems to have a very consistent message which is to move on. In fact not one person said to give her another chance or see about reconciliation. I guess every day that I wait to see what I'm going to do is wasting a day of what should be the next (hopefully wonderful) chapter in my life.


You are getting that message because her actions scream that she is not sorry. She is doing nothing to demonstrate that she is remorseful or wants you to forgive her. If her actions change, come back and we can help you work through what you want.

With all that said, if you are moving toward divorce you need to act like it. No more joint accounts. No more dates or vacations. You need to detach. Read up on the 180 and live it. Start that now.

By the way, how do you know that she has ended her most recent affair. She lives in an apartment and does not account to you for her time. Other than her telling you so, what evidence do you have that it is over (and no, the OM saying it is not enough)?


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## Happiest by the water (Dec 12, 2012)

TOG (the other guy) lives halfway across the country and he knows that I know who he is, where he lives, and all of the details about the affair. He is scared to death that I will tell his wife so he's not going to do anything more with my wife as it would endanger his other life.

Yes - my wife has always had the upper hand in our relationship (shame on me for enabling her to do so). As we have entered the latest phase (since telling me she doesn't want to be with me any more) any time I tell her how hurt I am, or push her for details on what happened, her answer is "you are pushing me away - if you want any chance of reconciliation - leave me alone". It's clear that she's using her power over me to get what she wants.

With regard to her new found independence (living in her own place), I agree that there's a risk that she now finds her next one night stand or affair partner. I have told her that if there is anyone else in the picture at this point going forward, we are done and done. That said, I can't trust her to be honest (she's already proven to be such a skilled liar). She's going to do what she's going to do.

I clearly need to move on.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Happiest by the water said:


> Yes - my wife has always had the upper hand in our relationship (shame on me for enabling her to do so). As we have entered the latest phase (since telling me she doesn't want to be with me any more) *any time I tell her how hurt I am, or push her for details on what happened, her answer is "you are pushing me away - if you want any chance of reconciliation - leave me alone". * It's clear that she's using her power over me to get what she wants.


This is exactly what my STBXW did and said...exactly!
When I would try to talk to her and ask questions she would say "You're pushing me away" 
I never got the whole, honest truth from her. I'm betting you won't either.

Time to walk away.


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## Happiest by the water (Dec 12, 2012)

When I have told her how the thoughts of what she did with the other guys haunt me she said it's not my issue and that I shouldn't go there. How can I not go there. We had an okay sex life (not good, not great, just okay). Meanwhile she had wild passionate sex with her one night stand five years ago, and with her AP for a six month period. How fun it must be to only meet up every few weeks, spend the night in a hotel, have only the good times, never deal with all of the day-to-day **** in life, and then leave until the next time. Try to put up with 30 years of your wife asking "am I fat, am I fat, am I fat" (she's very skinny), or her saying "I'm not good enough" (when she knows how successful she's been).

As I told her, TOG never had to answer the question about whether he thought she was fat (after all, the only thing he wanted was sex).


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

I just hate to see a doormat


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Happiest by the water said:


> When I have told her how the thoughts of what she did with the other guys haunt me she said it's not my issue and that I shouldn't go there. How can I not go there. We had an okay sex life (not good, not great, just okay). Meanwhile she had wild passionate sex with her one night stand five years ago, and with her AP for a six month period. How fun it must be to only meet up every few weeks, spend the night in a hotel, have only the good times, never deal with all of the day-to-day **** in life, and then leave until the next time. Try to put up with 30 years of your wife asking "am I fat, am I fat, am I fat" (she's very skinny), or her saying "I'm not good enough" (when she knows how successful she's been).
> 
> As I told her, TOG never had to answer the question about whether he thought she was fat (after all, the only thing he wanted was sex).


This is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of the damage she has caused to you emotionally. She will never understand the mind movies that her and her POSOM are starring in, in your mind. She will never understand how deep the pain of betrayal goes. All of this doesn't go away overnight. You will always remember. 

She doesn't get it and possibly never will. My STBXW had no empathy for me or the pain I was going through. Yours has no empathy for you either. This is who she has become.

Don't talk about it with her anymore. Start the hard 180 now...save yourself!


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Happiest, you need to split with your cheater because you will NEVER be able to trust her again. She gave you your clue when she said she's not "In" love with you.
It may surprise you should you get back in the hunt, how many women there are who crave companionship and will prove to be far more faithful than your wife.I seriously doubt that she's only been spreading them with just the two guys.
Perhaps a STD test is in order?


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Happiest by the water said:


> We have been living in separate bedrooms for the past three weeks and she just moved to her own apartment last weekend. I won't rat the other guy out to his wife as she's done nothing wrong (and it's not my place to make her miserable). There are other issues with the two of them but as long as it's over (and I'm sure it is) - it's no longer an issue.
> 
> I agree that my wife checked out a long time ago (she said that this has been a long time in coming) and that she must have so little respect for me to be able to easily do this with the long term affair partner (after she admitted the affair to me but before I found out the details, she would text him right in front of me and when I'd complain and tell her that she needed to end the affair , she'd tell me not to push her to make a choice as I wouldn't like the choice that she would make).
> 
> I know I allowed myself to be a doormat for her but love makes you do funny things.


And she doesn't deserve to know what type of man she's married to? Really?

In that case, why do you deserve to know your wife cheated on you?


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

How do you trust? You don't. I tried. Mine didn't really have 'affairs' on me as opposed to multiple ONS. Everytime she picked a fight she ran off and didn't come home... being very attractive guys were all over that V.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Decimated said:


> ... She will never understand how deep the pain of betrayal goes....She doesn't get it and possibly never will.


No, she doesn't understand. She doesn't get it.

Worse - she just doesn't care.

BUT I'm confident she is very happy TOG didn't get hurt. Why? Because she cares about him. In a way she hasn't cared about you in a very long time.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Justadude said:


> Please, please, please call the other posOM's wife! She deserves to know!!!! Also you may save someone else's marriage...this guy will do it again if he gets away with it.


:iagree: 

And post him on Cheaterville.com


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

hookares said:


> Perhaps a STD test is in order?


And don't donate any organs to your children until you take a paternity test.

I'm only half joking.


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## Carlton (Sep 15, 2012)

Decimated said:


> She doesn't get it and possibly never will. My STBXW had no empathy for me or the pain I was going through. Yours has no empathy for you either. This is who she has become.
> 
> Don't talk about it with her anymore. Start the hard 180 now...save yourself!


This is what you need to do. 180.

My wife doesn't give a sh!t about me at all. NOT AT ALL. Even when we tried to reconcile, she did absolutely nothing to appease me. Nothing I asked was truly followed. Never did she offer a kind word to soothe my pain, never.

I needed to give her "space" to come back to me. I gave her space and she set up dates with the POSOM while she stayed at her swinging bachelorette pad.

Please learn from me. It has been almost 4 months since I found out. 3 months of that was seeing whether she would come back to me. My regret is that I should have filed and earlier (I pulled it back) because I would be rid of her by now. She proved herself to be worthless. I pity her now for who she has become.

If you get nothing else out of this post remember this: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS, if she is just saying stuff and you find out different, time for divorce(it already is BTW). Took me three months to figure that out.

In addition, file now, you can always rescind the papers later if she is TRULY remorseful. I wouldn't count on this though.

Read Married Man's Sex Life. For your next conquest(s). It will open your eyes a bit. Lose some weight, work out, start looking good. I assume if you have a hot wife, you have the makings to attract another just as beautiful. The weight will be easy as I am sure you aren't eating much. Just get toned and make her want you. Then divorce her. It is exactly what I am doing.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

sandc said:


> :iagree:
> 
> And post him on Cheaterville.com



i put my stbxw on there. She was voted cheater of the day a while back. Last I checked she had over 200,000 views. I can't wait until someone she knows lets her in on it.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Beach Guy said it all. Sorry, but you can do better than your wife.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Try Hard Not To Be An Idiot Like I Was! The things that you want to hold on to NEVER REALLY HAPPENED! You were PLAYED! Wake up! DIVORCE THE POS and start a new life. Stop WHINING,STOP IT! I so wish someone would have slapped me years ago and told me this. Start a new and wonderful life. David


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Do you really love your wife ? or do you love the idealized version of her you created in your own mind ?

based on what you tell us about her, she is neither relationship material nor a decent person..


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

you need to read *doc_martin's *thread. your making the very same mistakes he made. he regerets every flawed move. you will too.

expose this affair to your adult children and this OM's BW. you did nothing to cause her(BW) heartache- HE DID! you're doing her a courtesy. 

the longer you wait, the more difficult it will be. he's probably already devising a way to discredit you when you do decide to expose.


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## Happiest by the water (Dec 12, 2012)

I think after reading all of today's posts (thanks everyone) and talking with my therapist I have absolute clarity. As much as I will always love her (despite what she did to me) I realize that I can never, ever, ever trust her again. Even tonight when we were supposed to talk about something she didn't answer the phone and my first assumption was that she was out with some other guy. I'll never get over that feeling that she will betray me again (and again).

I wish there could be a different outcome but she caused this problem and I have to move on.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Happy---please tell the Other Wife---she deserves to know the kind of POS, she is with---she is ENTITLED to have all the facts about her life, and to be able to make her life decisions based on those facts---not on what her lowlife scum POS, H, who lies very easily, tells her

Your decision to leave, sounds very right---as your wife thinks little or nothing of you----you are probably already in your 50's, and aren't that far from full on retirement---where you will spend ALL your time with your spouse, you will not enjoy those years, based on what she has done to you, and what your sub--conscious will put you thru---move on, and whether you have another relationship or not---hopefully you will someday again have peace of mind, and a carefree life---which right now you DO NOT HAVE, and wll never have, as long as you have to look at this woman who calls herself your wife!!!!!!


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Remember this Happiest : YOU lived the honest life, she lived the lie. YOU had an honest loving relationship for 30 years and raised to good children to adulthood. That is NO SMALL ACCOMPLISHMENT MY FRIEND ! 

Once time goes by, the pain starts to ease, and (hopefully STBXW) is out of the picture, YOU will be able to look back over your life and remember the good times and the good memories that YOU have, because you were the honest person.

SHE, on the other hand, can never look back with any enjoyment because she knows what she did and was doing, because she was the dishonest person. And you can gain further satisfaction in that she can't even remember her cheating fondly because NOW it will be tainted with the ramifications of the damage it caused. Both to you, and to your children. But all of this only happens if you divorce her and move on with your life. Be strong and good luck !


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Happiest by the water said:


> We have been living in separate bedrooms for the past three weeks and she just moved to her own apartment last weekend. *I won't rat the other guy out to his wife as she's done nothing wrong (and it's not my place to make her miserable).* There are other issues with the two of them but as long as it's over (and I'm sure it is) - it's no longer an issue.
> 
> I agree that my wife checked out a long time ago (she said that this has been a long time in coming) and that she must have so little respect for me to be able to easily do this with the long term affair partner (after she admitted the affair to me but before I found out the details, she would text him right in front of me and when I'd complain and tell her that she needed to end the affair , she'd tell me not to push her to make a choice as I wouldn't like the choice that she would make).
> 
> I know I allowed myself to be a doormat for her but love makes you do funny things.


How very cruel to not tell the wife. She has done nothing wrong so why be complicit in the affair and lie to her by omission. She deserves to know. 

Basic conflict avoidance 101.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Since your moving on, Why wont you let the OMW know of there affair? Wouldn't you want the truth if someone else knew and didn't tell you? Why are you allowing someone else to be lied to and betrayed behind there back. Why does he keep a fake happy marriage while he helped [email protected] yours over???? You sought help after you found out (eventually). Give her a chance to know the TRUTH and decide whats best for her.


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## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> How very cruel to not tell the wife. She has done nothing wrong so why be complicit in the affair and lie to her by omission. She deserves to know.
> 
> Basic conflict avoidance 101.


Fight or Flight? Grow a pair and call the OMW's! I did, and it was the best move I ever made.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> How very cruel to not tell the wife. She has done nothing wrong so why be complicit in the affair and lie to her by omission. She deserves to know.
> 
> Basic conflict avoidance 101.


I agree with everyone that say's "tell the OM's wife".

I'm glad I did. I sent her a message informing her that I had evidence that our spouses were involved in some kind of affair and that I thought she had the right to know. I also told her that if she wished to speak to me to call me. I gave her my number. 5 minutes later my phone rang...and it was her. I told her I had some evidence and some strong suspicions. 

She told me she had evidence too. It turns out that her evidence was much better then mine. In fact she had followed my STBXW and her husband many times and caught them together at restaurants, bars and movie theaters. She took pictures of them together. She kept a calender of his activities. But the best evidence was what she got off of his computer. She saved thousands of messages between STBXW and her husband, all in chronological order and saved them into PDF files. This was very painful stuff to read for me. I could only read about 10 minutes at a time before beginning to feel nauseous. I would have to get up and walk away for a while. The messages only spanned about 3 1/2 months of their 1 1/2 year affair but it was certainly enough to give me insight and solid proof of their affair. Before I had this evidence my STBXW was insisting that it was only a EA. 

My point is that you may be surprised by what she knows...it may be more then you. Another added benefit, if she doesn't know, is that if they want to save their marriage then she will have him on a really short leash.


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## Happiest by the water (Dec 12, 2012)

I know I should tell his wife and still may do so. Right now my fight is with my wife, not his wife. It may give me some leverage in the divorce that I don't want to lose just yet (the threat of telling his wife may bring some value to me in the settlement discussions).

Thanks.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Happiest by the water said:


> I know I should tell his wife and still may do so. Right now my fight is with my wife, not his wife. It may give me some leverage in the divorce that I don't want to lose just yet (the threat of telling his wife may bring some value to me in the settlement discussions).
> 
> Thanks.


No theres no leverage there. 

Tell OMW.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Happiest by the water said:


> I know I should tell his wife and still may do so. Right now my fight is with my wife, not his wife. It may give me some leverage in the divorce that I don't want to lose just yet (the threat of telling his wife may bring some value to me in the settlement discussions).
> 
> Thanks.


No, you are not fighting the OMW, you are empowering her. By not telling her you are harming her further.

Your wife could not care less about OMW. She wouldn't be screwing OM if she cared about his wife.

Right?

Right. So there is no leverage, no bargaining power there.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

sandc said:


> No, you are not fighting the OMW, you are empowering her. By not telling her you are harming her further.
> 
> Your wife could not care less about OMW. She wouldn't be screwing OM if she cared about his wife.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

This! Definitely.

There was a poster called Shamwow, look him up in the members list.
He eventually, after a lot of cajoling from some of the posters here exposed to the OMW.
His XW gave him hell for doing it saying "How dare you upset that poor woman" or something like that anyway, conveniently forgetting that she had been boinking the poor womans husband recently. The OMW was eternally grateful to Shamwow for the information.
In fact in my time on the forum I can think of very few, if any, times when it was a bad idea.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> How very cruel to not tell the wife. She has done nothing wrong so why be complicit in the affair and lie to her by omission. She deserves to know.
> 
> Basic conflict avoidance 101.



Happiest by the water,

Your silence is cause to another persons unknown torment.

Wouldn't you want to be made aware of instead of being made a fool of?


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

"I know I should tell his wife and still may do so. Right now my fight is with my wife, not his wife. It may give me some leverage in the divorce that I don't want to lose just yet (the threat of telling his wife may bring some value to me in the settlement discussions)."

This is why your marriage was doomed from the get go, each of you leveraging yourselves against the other.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Happiest by the water said:


> I know I should tell his wife and still may do so. Right now my fight is with my wife, not his wife. It may give me some leverage in the divorce that I don't want to lose just yet (the threat of telling his wife may bring some value to me in the settlement discussions).
> 
> Thanks.


Happiest,

Your comment about exposing the Affair to the OMW is very funny. It will not help you with your settlement.

But here is something that will.

Expose the Affair!

To the OMW. To your kids. To her family. To your family. To her coworkers.

Your wife is a selfish narcissist! She has never respected you in 30 years which is horrible.

By doing the above you blow her world up the way she has blown up yours. Take that burden off your shoulders.

Blow her world up.

All you have to do is send a nice email or update your facebook that you and the MRS. are divorcing. That she has had multiple sexual and emotional Affairs. 

That her way of dealing with your marriage was by asking you to move out.

And your way of dealing with the marriage was by telling everyone the truth.

Do it all in one day. Do not answer your phone and do not be at home. Change the locks the night before.

And after it all dies down send her a text the next day "Am I beautiful now? Am I beautiful now? Thanks for wasting 30 years of my life".

The get your alimony.

I guarantee you she will respect you then. SHe might not like you but then why the hell should you care.

That is how you treat selfish people. And exposing the Affair to the OMW is to help her out. It is to give her a headsup on how much an A-Hole her husband is. 

He deserves a kick in the nuts as much as your wife deserves a kick in the butt.

I hope you name him in the D papers as well.

Good Luck. Toughen up. And get that respect, you will have earned it.

HM64


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Friend, you are talking out of both sides of your arse.

First you say that her affair is over. If that is the case then why should she care if you tell the OMW? There is no leverage there.

Now you say that holding the threat of telling the OMW will give you leverage. But if the affair is over she doesn't care either way right?

You are trying to outsmart her but you are only succeeding in outsmarting yourself. If you tell the OMW about the affair you throw the entire situation into chaos. You can guarantee the affair is over. The OM will go scrambling back to his wife. His wife will know to keep him on a short leash. And your wife may have second thoughts about trying to screw with the man she thought was a doormat. How can she respect you if you won't stand up for yourself. If you can't stand up for yourself you can't stand up for her. You appear weak.

Exposure is always a good idea. You have no leverage. If you want to R then you can't act like the man she found it easy to cheat on. Why would she think about returning to that sponge. And if you want a D and don't want to face a pitbull you can't act like the man she found it easy to cheat on. You need to put this dog down!

Expose to the OMW, expose to her family, expose to her friends, expose to everyone. Please act like a man. Have some self respect and some honor.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

bfree said:


> Exposure is always a good idea.


No it isn't. If they're headed for divorce he'll want to keep things civil not blow it up by being a martyr.

Do not expose until the divorce is final, then if you want to go do the right thing you can drop the other betrayed spouse a note explaining everything you know.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

kindi said:


> No it isn't. If they're headed for divorce he'll want to keep things civil not blow it up by being a martyr.
> 
> Do not expose until the divorce is final, then if you want to go do the right thing you can drop the other betrayed spouse a note explaining everything you know.


Can you point to one thread here on TAM where a divorce stayed civil regardless of whether the affair was exposed or not? Most often the case is that when the D gets into the 11th hour the cheating spouse gets nasty. And if they have no respect for the BS it gets even nastier.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

bfree said:


> Can you point to one thread here on TAM where a divorce stayed civil regardless of whether the affair was exposed or not? Most often the case is that when the D gets into the 11th hour the cheating spouse gets nasty. And if they have no respect for the BS it gets even nastier.


No, I can't. You're probably right, it's probably going to get nasty either way, although in some cases it seems that the cheating spouse feels somewhat badly and/or wants out of the marriage as fast as possible so they can be with their affair partner, in which case it might work out better as far as the divorce goes not to stir things up more than they already are.

The way I figure it, why risk it.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

kindi said:


> No, I can't. You're probably right, it's probably going to get nasty either way, although in some cases it seems that the cheating spouse feels somewhat badly and/or wants out of the marriage as fast as possible so they can be with their affair partner, in which case it might work out better as far as the divorce goes not to stir things up more than they already are.
> 
> The way I figure it, why risk it.


I've never seen a case where the cheating spouse felt badly about anything, especially while the affair is still ongoing which I think is the case here. Actually most of the time the WS wants to cake eat as long as possible. But if the OP blows up the affair by exposing, the OM will, as they always do, run back to his wife and do major damage control. I have also noticed that many times exposure will knock a WS out of their fog and bring them back to reality. If the OP thinks he may want to R, this is his best course of action. And again, many times the exposure puts a WS back on their heels and they just want to "get out of Dodge" asap and will agree to almost anything to finish it.

Any way you look at it exposure seems to have a positive effect for the BS regardless of the path they choose.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

bfree said:


> many times the exposure puts a WS back on their heels and they just want to "get out of Dodge" asap and will agree to almost anything to finish it.


Exposure will knock the wayward spouse back on their heels and they want to "get out of dodge" and agree to almost anything to finish exactly what?

The divorce? 

I don't follow why suddenly exposing the affair would make them want to make the divorce go as fast as possible and that they would subsequently just rollover and give the betrayed spouse whatever they want just because the affair was exposed.

I'd see them as digging their heels in and fighting back even harder even if only out of spite due to the exposure.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

File D. Doubtful that she'll reform based on her personality type. Give it time and your feelings will fade. I'm 7 months out from Dday, divorce is final in 3 months. I do still love her, but less so every day. I wasted 18 years on her, don't you waste any more time on your wife. Get excited about finding a woman with integrity and who respects you.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

kindi said:


> Exposure will knock the wayward spouse back on their heels and they want to "get out of dodge" and agree to almost anything to finish exactly what?
> 
> The divorce?
> 
> ...


Because affairs thrive in the darkness, in secrecy. When you expose you shine the light of day on them and it makes things very uncomfortable for the APs. They are now bombarded on all sides by friends, family, coworkers etc. It shatters the affair and sometimes it wakes them up to reality. This is often when the WS has that "what the hell was I doing" moment and begins to see that the BS is really not the person they made them out to be when they rewrote the marriage and demonized the faithful spouse. They now have two choices. Try to R or move toward D. If D is the path then they just want it over as quickly as possible so that people will stop asking them about it. If exposure isn't done, nobody knows so nobody asks therefore no pressure. The APs can continue in their comfy little fantasy. Additionally APs often support and embolden one another. One will often support the other and give advice as to how to "take the faithful spouse to the cleaners." By exposing you remove that evil support network. By exposing you also clue friends and relatives in on the reason for the D. They are less likely to support the WS in their fight against the BS. In short, exposure isolates the WS and makes them very very uncomfortable. They will often be more willing to compromise just so they can move away from the fire and get off the hot seat.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

Happiest by the water said:


> I won't rat the other guy out to his wife as she's done nothing wrong (and it's not my place to make her miserable). .


If OM was banging my W, I would tell and expose him to his W and others.

OM has more than likely cheated on her before and will again .You would not be making her miserable. You would be warning her who she was trusting.Her H is the one who would be making her miserable.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Happiest by the water said:


> At this point I don't care about the AP as I know it's really over. Everyone here seems to have a very consistent message which is to move on. In fact not one person said to give her another chance or see about reconciliation. I guess every day that I wait to see what I'm going to do is wasting a day of what should be the next (hopefully wonderful) chapter in my life.


Translation: I know I lost my wife and I'm being badgered by a bunch of people on the internet about this reality

Therefore, in a supposed show of bravery, I will accept reality and *NOT* do any sort of confrontation at all with anyone.

This isn't solving your problems at all.

So here are three quick and easy conversations to have which will cause vertebrea growth almost instantly.

"Mrs. OMW. Your husband has and an emotional and physical affair with my wife multiple times. You should know this. Here are some dates, here is one of their comments. (It should feature 'love' and 'thinking of you' prominantly)"

"Hi, Becky? About Florida. Sorry to say, it's not happening. Oh no. YOU two can still go, but _I_ will not go to spend any time with that cheater I married. And I'll be damned if SHE can enjoy a vacation. But you two have fun. She can explain to you about the two times, maybe more, that she's been unfaithful. She's also contemptuous of me and frankly, I can do better, at least on the emotional side. She've moved out already to be able to eff her partner or pick up guys so easily. Here is her number. "

"Hi. I won't be darkening your door any time soon. All my memories of the last 30 years are a lie and you stole the best years of my life from me. Expect to be served soon."


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Happiest by the water said:


> I know I should tell his wife and still may do so. Right now my fight is with my wife, not his wife. It may give me some leverage in the divorce that I don't want to lose just yet (the threat of telling his wife may bring some value to me in the settlement discussions).
> 
> Thanks.


Hey Carlton. Why don't you tell him the master plan which is reaping you so many benefits by not exposing? 

IMO, this is an illusion. It's unlikely to bring anything into the fight but bitterness. Exposing will bring something of that as well, but it's OVER. It isn't hanging over her head and she's lost. She needs to lose.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I've only had a chance to read your posts. From what I have read, it looks like you are getting all your info on the affair, the pregnant OM's wife, etc. etc. For example, how do you really know she is pregnant, that the affair is over. Did the self serving lying cheaters tell you so? 

How are you confirming any of this info?

Go to doccool.com to see how waywards play their spouses. 

And lets face it, a woman can't stand a man who doesn't stand up and fight for himself.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

chapparal said:


> I've only had a chance to read your posts. From what I have read, it looks like you are getting all your info on the affair, the pregnant OM's wife, etc. etc. For example, how do you really know she is pregnant, that the affair is over. Did the self serving lying cheaters tell you so?
> 
> How are you confirming any of this info?
> 
> ...


:iagree:

This. For sure.

OP, where did you get this information about the OMW?

Was it from that incredibly reliable, totally honest source that you know?

Or was it from a pair of filthy lying cheats?

If she was in such a bad way he wouldn't be exposing her to possible harm by bonking another mans wife would he?

Expose, don't tell her. Can't remember if you have exposed to parents and friends but if not do so at the same time.

It's not about petty revenge, although it will have a side affect of being very satisfying.
It is to stop the affair dead in it's tracks.
And to let the OMW know what she is dealing with. It is not fair on her to not tell.


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## Carlton (Sep 15, 2012)

JCD said:


> Hey Carlton. Why don't you tell him the master plan which is reaping you so many benefits by not exposing?
> 
> IMO, this is an illusion. It's unlikely to bring anything into the fight but bitterness. Exposing will bring something of that as well, but it's OVER. It isn't hanging over her head and she's lost. She needs to lose.


Why do you keep dragging me into this? I already said my piece.

Exposure is key. I didn't do it right away and now I am losing my wife. Not sure if it would have made a difference anyway. I guess hindsight is 20-20.

EXPOSE NOW, be an A$$HOLE about it. TELL EVERYONE, and do it now so you don't look like the crazy vengeful spouse three months later. You will look like the upset husband trying to get his wife back, the champion. You are a fool if you don't do this.

Learn from my mistakes. If I expose to her work now, I will just look like the crazy husband that is out to make her life miserable.


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## Happiest by the water (Dec 12, 2012)

Ok, ok, ok. I will tell the OMW about it (I guess it will feel good and I agree that I would have wanted to know).


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## Happiest by the water (Dec 12, 2012)

I pulled the trigger and filed for divorce on December 28th. I came to realize that there is no way to reconcile and that I'd never trust her again (and believe she will cheat again). I'm moving forward without her and actually feel great about it. I no longer look back and have stopped thinking about what she's doing and who she is with. Thanks once again for all the great advice.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Good luck to you!

A new chapter of your life is about to begin.


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

Happiest by the water said:


> I pulled the trigger and filed for divorce on December 28th. I came to realize that there is no way to reconcile and that I'd never trust her again (and believe she will cheat again). I'm moving forward without her and actually feel great about it. I no longer look back and have stopped thinking about what she's doing and who she is with. Thanks once again for all the great advice.


Good for you, Happiest. Well done and good luck as you move forward with your life.

How did your wife react when you filed?

How did your children, friends and family react to the news of you filing?

And, did you tell the OMW?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Happiest by the water said:


> I pulled the trigger and filed for divorce on December 28th. I came to realize that there is no way to reconcile and that I'd never trust her again (and believe she will cheat again). I'm moving forward without her and actually feel great about it. I no longer look back and have stopped thinking about what she's doing and who she is with. Thanks once again for all the great advice.


Has there been any reaction and have you told the OMW yet?


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## Happiest by the water (Dec 12, 2012)

My friends cheered my pulling the trigger. My STBX was surprised how quickly I did it (I told her I didn't like being in limbo and if we weren't going to reconcile, we might as well get through the divorce ASAP). She wasn't happy about it but the balance of power has definitely shifted in my favor.

I still haven't told the OMW because I want to keep that for whatever leverage I can in the divorce (if needed).


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Happiest by the water said:


> My friends cheered my pulling the trigger. My STBX was surprised how quickly I did it (I told her I didn't like being in limbo and if we weren't going to reconcile, we might as well get through the divorce ASAP). She wasn't happy about it but the balance of power has definitely shifted in my favor.
> 
> I still haven't told the OMW because I want to keep that for whatever leverage I can in the divorce (if needed).


People keep chasing that chimera of 'leverage'. How about just doing the frigging right thing without any benefit to you?


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Happiest by the water said:


> My friends cheered my pulling the trigger. My STBX was surprised how quickly I did it (I told her I didn't like being in limbo and if we weren't going to reconcile, we might as well get through the divorce ASAP). She wasn't happy about it but the balance of power has definitely shifted in my favor.
> 
> I still haven't told the OMW because I want to keep that for whatever leverage I can in the divorce (if needed).


What kind of friends cheer the death of a marriage?

Refusing to expose will not give you any leverage. As soon as your WW learns that she will no longer live in a life style according to one she is acustomed to she is going to lawyer up and try to take you to the cleaners.

What did WW do to restore trust?

What did you require WW to do to restore trust?

Trust can't be restored just by wishing it to be so.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Happiest by the water said:


> My friends cheered my pulling the trigger. My STBX was surprised how quickly I did it (I told her I didn't like being in limbo and if we weren't going to reconcile, we might as well get through the divorce ASAP). She wasn't happy about it but the balance of power has definitely shifted in my favor.
> 
> I still haven't told the OMW because I want to keep that for whatever leverage I can in the divorce (if needed).


What leverage do you think you are going to get for keeping this information to yourself and not tell this woman who she is really married to? There is none that I can think of~do this woman a favor and tell her today. Make you uncomfortable when you think of doing it? How would you feel if someone kept this information from you? Do the right thing here!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Happiest by the water said:


> I still haven't told the OMW because I want to keep that for whatever leverage I can in the divorce (if needed).


I think you're doing a bad thing her to the OMW. She deserves to know, ESPECIALLY, now that your wife is a free agent with no guilt or feeling of responsibility to not go after the OM.

She needs to know.

You won't find it that big of chip in the divorce. You've seen too many night time soap operas if you think it's a big trump card to bend her to your will.


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## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

I know it's not a comfortable thing to do, but please call the OMW. It's the right thing to do, step up and overcome your fear.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." (Edmund Burke)

Tell the OMW NOW!


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

rrrbbbttt said:


> "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." (Edmund Burke)
> 
> Tell the OMW NOW!


Amen...I decided to tell the OMW about her husband's affair with my wife after debating it in my mind for several days. What finally tipped me in favor of telling her was the STD test I had to take in response to my wife's affair. I realized that if I said nothing to the OMW and she contacted HIV I would not be able to sleep at night knowing I did not warn her like I would have liked to have been warned if the shoe was on the other foot.

I am soooooooooooooooooooooooo glad I informed her. It is the RIGHT thing to do. Wouldn't you want someone to tell you, immediately?


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

How are you going to get the OMW's info to contact her? I know you know about OM but how did you find out about his W?


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Happiest by the water said:


> *I still haven't told the OMW because I want to keep that for whatever leverage I can in the divorce (if needed)*.




Your wife cheated on you because she was selfish, she cheated by lies and deciet sex only comes next to it, you are also doing the same you are betraying OMW wife by withehlding truth about her life from her. 
Your wife cheated for her selfishness you are betraying OMW for your own selfishness. 
Are you in any way better than your wife? are you a person with any morals?


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## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

There are two possibilities concerning this guy. One possibility is that this was an aberration to the guy’s character. If so he should feel terrible about it and fess up and repent and work on his marriage, and himself, and make sure he never cheats again. The best way for that to happen is for the truth to come out, and that he is held accountable for his actions…so you need to call his wife.

The Second, and more probable….he is a low life and regularly cheats on his wife. He is living a lie, and he has no respect for his wife and family. In that case you need to call his wife and let her know the low life she is married to…so she can move on now….not 5 yrs later when a guy with some balls calls her and lets her know her husband is cheating with some future woman.

In my case it was #2, and his wife had no idea of the creep she was married to…she thanked me for letting her know.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Kimberley17 said:


> How are you going to get the OMW's info to contact her? I know you know about OM but how did you find out about his W?


He found the information on him from Linked In. A quick search on the Internet will lead you to the spouse.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> I hate it for you bro but it sure sounds like she checked out of the marriage awhile ago. I'd ask her to move out. Her response will be a tell-tale sign. At the very least it'll be a wake-up slap in the face to her.
> 
> She doesn't appear to respect you. Hard to cahnge that.
> 
> Oh, and I'd probably expose the other man to his wife.


It's possible she never really checked in to the marriage, to be honest.

Expose to the family, everyone.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Justadude said:


> The Second, and more probable…he is a low life and regularly cheats on his wife. *He is living a lie*, and he has no respect for his wife and family. In that case you need to call his wife and let her know the low life she is married to


Not exactly... *HE IS A LIVING LIE!*

Exposure is not just for the present... but for "ALL" in the future.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

theroad said:


> What kind of friends cheer the death of a marriage?


The kinds that see that your spouse was a POS douche but no matter what they said before you were blinded by love and no one was right accept him/her.

Now that the light finally went off and they finally see their spouse for what they are, everyone is cheering for him/her to finally be happy by ridding themselves of that cancerous person.

We all have that one friend who you know that their spouse isn't really there for them as a person. You've probably broached the subject once or twice only to get shot done so you keep your mouth shut. But if the light bulb does suddenly one day go off in their head you'll be 1st in line to give him a big high five and a bro hug.


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