# elephant in the room!



## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

I love this phrase and what it stands for but I hate being in the situation.

After alot of arguments in our relationship I feel my partner is just not addressing the issues that are causing problems in our relationship.
It is so obvious to me what needs done but the topic is not up for discussion in is eyes. He would prefer to just forget about our arguments and just carry on. This is so frustrating!


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## CoralReef (Jul 1, 2014)

See if he might be willing to go to MC or even read a book on marriage. No one wants to be a marital Cold War.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

You control you NOT your partner


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

we have already tried counselling and it didnt work.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

familygirl said:


> we have already tried counselling and it didnt work.


Here's what you do...

Accept partner behavior/adjust yours 
Wait for them to have a lightbulb I will change moment
Leave or outsource...for example if its cleaning hire a maid


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

Thanks 'tryingtofigureitout'. It is not actually cleaning. It has to do with him not keeping his word


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

familygirl said:


> Thanks 'tryingtofigureitout'. It is not actually cleaning. It has to do with him not keeping his word


Then YOU need to decide if that alone is a deal breaker and then leave or accept it.


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

I know. It is a dealbreaker. And if there wernt kids involved. It would be so easy to get up and go.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

familygirl said:


> I know. It is a dealbreaker. And if there wernt kids involved. It would be so easy to get up and go.


Then accept it and move on knowing that is part of the deal and then its not fair to hold it over partners head.

or

DIVORCE

or

Be miserable


People only change when THEY want to.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

OP perhaps we as men can help you if you can be more specific about what your guy is dropping the ball with...

What does he promise you and not deliver?


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

Not to lie. When he does he tries to cover it up somehow - usually with another lie,
half truth
insincere apology
blame
'what the big deal- only a small lie'

you get the point


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

familygirl said:


> Not to lie. When he does he tries to cover it up somehow - usually with another lie,
> half truth
> insincere apology
> blame
> ...


ALL humans lie.... what specific lie irks you?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

familygirl said:


> Not to lie. When he does he tries to cover it up somehow - usually with another lie,
> half truth
> insincere apology
> blame
> ...


Thanks for clarification. Okay bet I know what you mean by frustrating now. Some stuff he lies about to avoid conflict, others to brag but many are just pointless lies about stupid stuff that doesn't matter. It's very hard to tolerate a compulsive liar.

I might be a show stopper for me as well. Seems like councelling would have helped if he's able to change.


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> Thanks for clarification. Okay bet I know what you mean by frustrating now. Some stuff he lies about to avoid conflict, others to brag but many are just pointless lies about stupid stuff that doesn't matter. It's very hard to tolerate a compulsive liar.
> 
> I might be a show stopper for me as well. Seems like councelling would have helped if he's able to change.


That would be the lies about porn and any aquaintances with females. Getting lift home from female, female friends he talks to etc. Im irked:lol:


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

familygirl said:


> That would be the lies about porn and any aquaintances with females. Getting lift home from female, female friends he talks to etc. Im irked:lol:


Do you care if he views porn or gets rides home from females and is he allowed female friends?


I'm not talking about lying but what he does.


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Do you care if he views porn or gets rides home from females and is he allowed female friends?
> 
> 
> I'm not talking about lying but what he does.


I never had a problem with this only the porn. That I told him. The lies add an air of mystery and sometimes i thinks he hiding more.

Im encouraging him to be more open. I have male friend too and he knows this. confused


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

familygirl said:


> I never had a problem with this only the porn. That I told him. The lies add an air of mystery and sometimes i thinks he hiding more.
> 
> Im encouraging him to be more open. I have male friend too and he knows this. confused


What problem do you have with porn?


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> What problem do you have with porn?


the fact that he has to hide it


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

familygirl said:


> the fact that he has to hide it


Ok so you are fine with porn just the fact that he hides it?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What do you want him to do in relation to the porn that he's not doing now?

Be specific.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Relationships/family have _elephants_, because of a general fear of confrontation...having a difficult conversation.

I think you have to ask yourself what you fear regarding confronting your husband about this. What makes you reticent to speak up about it? It is because he has responded poorly to you in the past? It is because you are afraid of some other ramifications like, strife, separation, or divorce?

Dale Carnegie writes that a way to disempower our worst fears is to accept that the worst CAN indeed occur, but once we face the fear and process it (instead of ignoring or running away from it), then it frees us to take action in the area we want to go.


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Ok so you are fine with porn just the fact that he hides it?


yyes i have watched porn too and he knows this


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

familygirl said:


> yyes i have watched porn too and he knows this


Ok you have watched porn, do you know what he likes in PORN AND do you for lack of a better word perform those acts.

I'm not being nosy but trying to get to the heart of why he feels the need to hide it.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

If something's a dealbreaker, then the kids are not a reason for staying. If they're a reason for staying, then the porn/deception/whatever isn't truly a dealbreaker. 

Back to "accept it" or "change the environment" or "change you" if you are not going to leave.


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Ok you have watched porn, do you know what he likes in PORN AND do you for lack of a better word perform those acts.
> 
> I'm not being nosy but trying to get to the heart of why he feels the need to hide it.


Yes he likes the younger airbrushed girl. He has told me this. I dont know what acts he watches he wont tell me this.


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

FormerSelf said:


> Relationships/family have _elephants_, because of a general fear of confrontation...having a difficult conversation.
> 
> I think you have to ask yourself what you fear regarding confronting your husband about this. What makes you reticent to speak up about it? It is because he has responded poorly to you in the past? It is because you are afraid of some other ramifications like, strife, separation, or divorce?
> 
> Dale Carnegie writes that a way to disempower our worst fears is to accept that the worst CAN indeed occur, but once we face the fear and process it (instead of ignoring or running away from it), then it frees us to take action in the area we want to go.


I dont have a problem with confrontation. It is my partner that has the problem with confrontation. But I do see where you are going with this. At the beginning of our relationship I discovered porn on my computer and it had been deleted. When I confronted him and asked why he needed porn so early in the relationship he said he didnt know it was just fantasy. I wasnt angry at this time just upset and asked him to to lie about it again. To this he agreed. But he hasnt kept his word. We went to counselling and the counsellor asked how he would feel about getting addiction help. He refused blank saying he didnt have a problem


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

familygirl said:


> Yes he likes the younger airbrushed girl. He has told me this. I dont know what acts he watches he wont tell me this.


So if you are OK with porn... why does he need to hide it from you?

Did he not get the message you are OK with him viewing porn thus no need to hide it.

Is he just embarrassed?

Secondly, he probably likes certain acts he is afraid to try with you. Porn girls *don't say no* and he can easily find what he wants.

Lastly ...its him seeking sexual satisfaction and unless you change to fulfill that he will likely continue and feel ashamed having to do so thus hide it.

Its both of you not just him

I think he told you the tip of the iceberg and that's all.

OP hes a normal guy..no addiction just likely feels sexually deprived
Many of us in the same situation

By forcing counseling no wonder he hides it. Hes normal and likely in a way doing it to take the pressure off you to sexually satisfy him.

You are acting like his mom not his sex partner that's why he hides it he is feeding himself because you won't.

Many men don't need porn if they are happy with their sex life..that's on you as his partner.

If you really want to solve it... ask him to do to you and share whatever it is he likes in porn in your own sexlife then he wont need to hide it and if you are up for trying new things. His likes won't likely change so its up to you whether you are game.

If my wife said that to me it would be blowjobs to completion and swallowing. I had girls who did that my wife does not...along with everything else currently

You cant blame someone for being starved and finding an outlet (and not having a PA), and you cannot be surprised if they hide it when he knows you wouldn't like it.

Same reason I don't talk about my porn use to my wife (which is not a lot)
Nor did she divulge the extent of her EA to me willingly

Both of us trying to feed our hunger because the other did not meet it..work in progress

Its always a two way street..best to work together to find a solution and not point fingers


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> So if you are OK with porn... why does he need to hide it from you?
> 
> Did he not get the message you are OK with him viewing porn thus no need to hide it.
> 
> ...



believe me i have tried this. And he says he is happy with our sex life?? Also, I have never refused him sex. So maybe he is embarresed and doesnt want to say


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

familygirl said:


> believe me i have tried this. And he says he is happy with our sex life?? Also, I have never refused him sex. So maybe he is embarresed and doesnt want to say


Again he is seeking something by using porn...and it usually is the acts not one actress


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Again he is seeking something by using porn...and it usually is the acts not one actress


maybe so but if he wont tell me how can I know?

Ps not sure if you read my previous text but he did confess he fancies airbrushed younger girls.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Ok, so he views porn. You know that. But it seems to me you're trying to "catch" him doing something he's not supposed to do. You said you don't care if he watches it. So...don't care. But you do, don't you. To me, this is all an elaborate ruse to get him to "confess" any wrongdoing. You bring it up, he says no, but you know he's lying.

Stop.

Not another word about porn. Unless it becomes a problem in your sex life. Let it go.

If you don't really care, then start acting like it. 

So he fancies air brushed women. So? I fancy Brad Pitt. Doesn't mean I'm going to get him. It's a fantasy, plain and simple. Let it go...


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I'm having trouble understanding what the "dishonesty" we're talking about actually is. What are the "lies" that he is telling you? He is telling you he doesn't look at porn when actually he does? If you know he looks at the porn, and he knows you know, what is the lie?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

It seems like he's embarrassed or ashamed to admit to watching porn when you ask him about it. Since you already know he's watching porn and say you don't care that he is, then why do you keep asking him about it?

He probably learned as a kid that it's better not to tell "mom" about certain things because it will get him into trouble. So he lies instead. 

If this is all he lies about, I think you can let it go and just stop asking him about it. Unless YOU are lying and porn really IS a problem for you.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Also, this is just my take and I could see others differing, but I think if you generally accept that your partner watches porn and you're ok with it, it's not really fair to probe all the details of the kind of porn they watch if they don't want to share it with you -- it's basically the person's fantasy life. Would you ask your husband to reveal every sexual fantasy he has in his mind if he's not comfortable doing so?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

What happened with the woman (or women) who gave him a ride home? Did he lie about it? Was it a ride home from work - or a ride home after he'd been out one evening?


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

This thread has turned into a pornfest debate. If i am honest the porn has bothered me only because it has been lied about therefore I think there is more to it. If my partner told me about it i would be pissed off but not as pissed off as when i am when i find out about it.
The other lies are about conversations with women, and drinks with women (these are the biggest lies) there are other lies (small ones) the ones which in normal life i could let slide but seeing they are so frequent they bother me. If you need more clarification please ask


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

familygirl said:


> This thread has turned into a pornfest debate. If i am honest the porn has bothered me only because it has been lied about therefore I think there is more to it. If my partner told me about it i would be pissed off but not as pissed off as when i am when i find out about it.
> The other lies are about conversations with women, and drinks with women (these are the biggest lies) there are other lies (small ones) the ones which in normal life i could let slide but seeing they are so frequent they bother me. If you need more clarification please ask


What is there to figure out, he sees you as a mother trying to catch him doing something bad...its in how you come across to him.

If you were more open and less judgmental he would not feel the need to hide it from you..he knows you will flip out.

Is that so hard to understand?

And if you aren't married then really he is just a person and does not owe you anything.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

familygirl said:


> This thread has turned into a pornfest debate. If i am honest the porn has bothered me only because it has been lied about therefore I think there is more to it. If my partner told me about it i would be pissed off but not as pissed off as when i am when i find out about it.
> The other lies are about conversations with women, and drinks with women (these are the biggest lies) there are other lies (small ones) the ones which in normal life i could let slide but seeing they are so frequent they bother me. If you need more clarification please ask



So, break it off.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

If he's lying to you about other women, and about having drinks with other women, and you know this, then why are you still with him? 

Are these women friends he's had for a long time? Are they co-workers that have drinks after work? Do you forbid him to have female friends and go for drinks or get rides from coworkers, or get upset if he does? If so, that's why he's lying. He knows it will piss you off, and he'd rather avoid it because he doesn't think he did anything wrong.

Are these women he's meeting in bars? Are they women he's trying to hook up with? Then it doesn't matter why he's lying. You should leave a guy like that.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

norajane said:


> If he's lying to you about other women, and about having drinks with other women, and you know this, then why are you still with him?
> 
> Are these women friends he's had for a long time? Are they co-workers that have drinks after work? Do you forbid him to have female friends and go for drinks or get rides from coworkers, or get upset if he does? If so, that's why he's lying. He knows it will piss you off, and he'd rather avoid it because he doesn't think he did anything wrong.
> 
> Are these women he's meeting in bars? Are they women he's trying to hook up with? Then it doesn't matter why he's lying. You should leave a guy like that.



This sounds like it could be a lot worse than the porn issue.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

norajane said:


> If he's lying to you about other women, and about having drinks with other women, and you know this, then why are you still with him?
> 
> Are these women friends he's had for a long time? Are they co-workers that have drinks after work? Do you forbid him to have female friends and go for drinks or get rides from coworkers, or get upset if he does? If so, that's why he's lying. He knows it will piss you off, and he'd rather avoid it because he doesn't think he did anything wrong.
> 
> Are these women he's meeting in bars? Are they women he's trying to hook up with? Then it doesn't matter why he's lying. You should leave a guy like that.


You have more patience than I do norajane. It's frustrating to have to ask so many questions, especially ones that should have been made more clear by now. That's why I'm lurking instead of participating. But I'm glad you're asking .


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

Thank you all for your perpectives. 'Trying2figureitout' I do understand that my approach will affect the outcome. Maybe at the beginning I acted like his mother when I got upset but I feel I have been more open in recent times - trying not to show him it upsets me but trying to listen instead.
'Norajane' The other women lies only came to light within the last month and mostly happened in our first year together - probably why I havent left soon - and the fact that he is generally a good guy despite the lies. These women are co-worker and the drinks were after work. I dont have a problem with him having female friend as I have male friends. I also have no problems with him accepting lift home from work. I dont know if he is 'trying' to hook with these ladies but the lying about it would make me paranoid something else is going on.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

familygirl said:


> Thank you all for your perpectives. 'Trying2figureitout' I do understand that my approach will affect the outcome. Maybe at the beginning I acted like his mother when I got upset but I feel I have been more open in recent times - trying not to show him it upsets me but trying to listen instead.
> 'Norajane' The other women lies only came to light within the last month and mostly happened in our first year together - probably why I havent left soon - and the fact that he is generally a good guy despite the lies. These women are co-worker and the drinks were after work. I dont have a problem with him having female friend as I have male friends. I also have no problems with him accepting lift home from work. I dont know if he is 'trying' to hook with these ladies but the lying about it would make me paranoid something else is going on.


I think you need to step back from the situation and reevaluate what you are cool with in this marriage and what you are NOT cool with. 

I know it probably goes against modern sensibilities these days, but allowing your husband to have drinks with female co-workers could be a potential problem..and I think you need to step back and REALLY think how you feel about all of this...and stop questioning yourself and stuffing down your feelings. Get in touch with your deepest feelings...so they can point you in the right direction.

Don't be too scrambled by the defenders of porn trying to persuade you to feel differently...if porn bothers you, it bothers you! Your husband has a right to view porn, but you also have the right for it to be a deal-breaker, too. But as it sounds, you are more bothered by his deception, triggering pain and doubts as they relate to his messing around in the past. Tell him what you need to feel SAFE in the relationship...and if he is unable to work with you...or just continued sneakiness, then that goes to show you where he is at...BUT YOU WILL NEVER KNOW unless you have a compete sit-down about what YOU REALLY FEEL.


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