# Lost it, dont know where to go now...



## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

ok, everyone...

I lost it. All of the emotions and feelings came crashing down.

divorce? whaqt would it truly be like? i feel i have been living pretty close to it in this state of limbo

I want nothing more but to get my h the help he so desperatley needs. he doesnt see it

he was such a wonderful man and father. he is tearing our family apart and doesnt see it. doesnt see the problems our children are having. nor myself or himself...

mlc, depression all of it stinks...especially when someone doesnt seek help.

nc, getting a life is where i am headed. i love my h and our family .I would love for him to come home. i have seen so much saddness and utter shame from h in the past 3 days.i wish i could do something for him but i cant.

he is in such a bad place, he doesnt see all of the harm and hurt.

i am all over the place and i do apologize. what can i say? i miss our life together. i cant handle the issues this is causeing our daughters.

i am getting my 2 little ones and myself back into counceling. i cant let this hurt anymore so deeply.

maybe he will see the good it will do us. idk.

i must let go. hopefully he will come back. i cant do it anymore


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

It sounds like you are making the right choice. You have to watch out for yourself and the little ones for now. He's a grown man and needs to make his own decisions. I hope he'll decide to get the help he needs and become a good family member again, but in the meantime, you can focus on giving yourself and your children a good life regardless of what he does or doesn't do.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

So sorry lost.
I went through a very extended period of being supportive as my spouse wrestled with a number of issues. There were sexual issues, issues surrounding abandonment, self-esteem, etc.

I know what it feels like to take a degree of responsibility or sense of ownership regarding someone's problems. You do so, in the hope that you can provide support, guidance, and simply lessen the burden. You do so to make things better for them, and your family - yet, often all you accomplish is becoming a punching bag.

It has taken me a couple of decades to finally recognize that compassion comes with a cost. It is overwhelmingly appreciated in the short-term. But, appreciation withers into expectation, or worse, resentment over the long-term.

I've had a new mantra over the last two years:
"Deal with your sh!t."

I just don't have a lot of tolerance any more for people that would rather feed off of sympathy and compassion - whether they thrive on it or reject it while continuing to make excuses for or wallow in, their behavior and problems.

I would suggest it is time for you to take a different tack. You have tried to manage his meltdown, apparently to little effect.
His behavior and choices have harmed his wife and his kids. 

Time to stop allowing that. Stop hoping he is going to do the right or appropriate thing. Assume he _isn't_. And treat him as such.
Instead of enabling him, make your support and investment in him something that he now has to earn.
He's acting like a kid. Treat him like one, which means consequences and discipline. If this guy really is unwilling to take the steps that numerous others have told him he needs to take - then he's an idiot. Don't make yourself or your kids vulnerable to the actions of an idiot. If that means restricting his access to you and the kids, you should do it. If it means taking a hard line, that feels very uncomfortable, how can that be a bad thing at this point?


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Lost, I so feel for you.
Deejo you are spot on about the compassion comes with a cost. What a tough lesson we have to learn lost - it feels wrong not to consider his feelings - but - his actions are hurting you - 
hoping that they will do the right thing when they are like this just leads to disapointment after disapointment...

my mantra has been "it's all his cr**" not unlike yours deejo.

it hurts like hell hey?

you don't have to stop loving him lost - but you know that this in its current form is really hurting you. Being firm, kind but setting clear boundaries around yourself is not inconsistent with loving him. 
It is just loving yourself more.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

how can anyone throw away a family and marriage. people do change and most times for the better.

no ic, no mc... he doesnt need it, there is nothing wrong...

what to do now?


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## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

People throw away marriage and their family because they are selfish and in their mind all thats important is making themselves feel better at any cost. Happiness does come from within but they dont see that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

I have to agree 100% with noideato20. SELFISHNESS is the reason why they do it. They are oblivious to everything except their own needs. "Don't I deserve to be happy?" is something that was thrown in my face many times in the last few months. Well, the answer is everybody deserves to be happy, but the costs should be weighed and taken into account.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Hmmm I also don't think chasing happiness is the best ambition in life...I think it's a very simplistic away of looking at life : my H was clever - he said that all he wanted was for his kids to see him happy - he is very sly like that ............

to my mind they had seen him happy many times - and when i ask them how he is now they certainly don't say - mum he is so happy and that makes me so happy - 

isn't it that what you want for your kids is to see them happy?????? not the other way around??????


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

deejo and K..your mantra works for me!

Deejo's advice is spot on. Don't expect much from him. He isn't playing with his thoughts, it's more of his feelings. 

He's chasing happiness. All the while, it's right in front of his nose. I had to discover that for myself. I have been where my H and your H are..


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

divorce divorce divorce is all i have heard all day...ENOUGH!


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

yes, it should be the kids that are happy...they dont get to pick who their parents are or what problems they have to deal with...

its up to the parents to deal with them in a responsible manner...not to run away from them...that never resolves a thing...


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## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Amen lost and thats what your doing taking care of your kids not running. They are first because they dont have choice until they are grown. Like I said before they see who is running and who is stable and stationary and stationary is always the one they come to later because they can depend on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

thanks noid...

you just brought the tears back...this time for a good reason!

so sad,,,they are used to mom and dad...i hate doing this alone for the most part!

he is such a great dad and husband! wish i would be given a chance to show him


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Gosh LOST are lives are so simliar. 

Wonderful person/dad/husband but doesn't know how to be happy. 

I hate doing this alone and in less than two weeks it will be done.


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

If only we could help them without sacraficing ourselves in the process but that's what happens. We give and give until we are left running on empty. They aren't able to give until they are okay with themselves. We can't do it for them. Even if we could, they would resent us for it.

To let go in love is so hard.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

im in a yucky place again today.

h just left with the girls all prettied up for the chipmunk movie. the so wanted me to go but h didnt. seeing them pull away has made me hit bottom i believe...this was supposes to be a family thing...

they (girls) want me to come meet them after the show to go shopping, h was ok with that and i so much want to go. good or bad?

he told me he is so deeply hurt, he is done.

i know counceling would help sooo much...he will not open his mind to it at all.

such a **** day again!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Why did he tell you he is deeply hurt..done? 

What is he hurt about? Isn't he making all of these choices?


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

So, i was almost ready to go OUT and watch the football game. hadnt received a phone call so i should have been safe...nope h and girls come through the door...


will leave the bs out...i will say my h opened up quite a bit as we talked ...

the things he told me and i will share when i have some more time...we talked about some of the things that got us where we are today.

i am breathing and feeling better. it was good to get some of it out, good to actually have reasons from him. most were justified. on both sides...

this is gonna sound mean and i DO NOT mean it that way...I have only seen my husband cry 3 times in 12 yrs...

when each baby girl was born and when we thought we were losing his father.

im not sure why i am feeling better it was very sad...seeing the 2 of us like this...

i know this is breaking the rules but i really felt it needed to be said so we could both hear and comment accordingly. even tho not much at all was said...

i told him i understand why he needs time to work on himself, I also need to do some more work on myself

i let him know that as much as i would like him to be home with us, that we both need to be sure we are ready

that neither one of us had a great up bringing and that our daughters deserve better from us

that no matter how much effort, work, sweat and tears need to go into it that our family deserves a chance

he didnt say much...commended me on what a great mother I am and also said i always put others first, that i dont need to do that ALL of the time

also commended me on quitting drinking, which i thought was far from his mind, it has been a loooong time...

im not certain any of this is good...or bad feels ok...

i told him that i would like us both to take some time, work on our issues seperately, then together. that I dont want to close our marital door...

instead of screaming, he said nothing. which the way i think i know him is ok,

i want to go full speed ahead back into ic, back into DR so that i start doing what i need to do...

he has ALWAYS been a follower, i hope if i can set the example and show the effort he'll be behind me...

thoughts??

maybe Xmas eve needed and did happen for a reason...


CW,

i took it as everything that has gone on these past 5 months. i know, his choice. not sure what it all means


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's quite a breakthrough if he was able to open up. It sounds very rational for you to say those things to him regarding working on things separately. 

This is very good if he can finally feel safe enough to express himself. Anything is better than nothing. I only wish my H would do the same.

Very positive.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

CW,

thanks for the confidence shot! i know we all want to see the best outcomes of our problems...

my h is right now and has been in such a depressed state. i dont think he sees or believes how much communication would help us and our family.

the mood swings and all are killers.

i am just really stumped because some ic for us and then together could enable us to move on to a much better place with a "new" marriage...

anything will help. the fact that he was quiet is a bit reassuring that he has a doubt...

who really knows though...:scratchhead:

either way communication of any kind is good.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Yup it was very good. Now is your window to set it straight from the beginnning.If your H is a follower then you really need to lead this but you also need to make him feel that his input is valuable so that your not over running him.. Keep up the good work.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

hey everyone need opinions please...moving has been an issue since b4 h left.

we pay a chunk in rent and have problems that do not get tended to by the landlord. we believe because they would be a big expense...ll has ALWAYS been good just these things arent being taken care of

anyways, we need to stay in the same area for sake of the girls not changing schools.

reading the paper this morning i found an apt. in our area...not many houses or apt ever come up for rent...very small town.

anyways im speaking with her and it turns out it is a 2 bdrm apt on the first floor and an efficency apt on 2nd floor...

could be perfect however i havent gone to look at it and to be honest im afraid to bring it up...

h ALWAYS complains of his long drive...we could literally be in the same building but still in 2 different places...

also no worrying about apt living with kids if it were your spouse that is above or below you...


thoughts?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

That would be ideal for the children. 

Drawback:

1) He may see it as too close to you. He is trying to "escape" from something (whatver that is).
2) You may feel stifled as well. He's watching you and asking questions. (which is good)
3) You may get overwhelmed with analyzing him. Where is he? Where is he going? What isn't he home yet? 

What is he looking for Lost? Space. Time. Less responsibility. Have you figured that out?


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

CW,

I myself have thought of all of that...so much i need to stop for a bit and quit the over analyzing

i realized without a doubt that h read the same ad, and more than likely called and knows all of the info...

im gonna leave it at that. force him to bring it up or not

where we live is such a small community not much comes up for rent often...

once the LL took care of the problems b4 it has helped tremendously...its not horrible or anything I LOVE the house and so do the girls for that matter...we are in the country, acres of land in a 100+ year old, almost all original farmhouse.
not sure if i want to give it up just yet despite what needs to be taken care of...none of it is harmful just a pain in the ass.

lots of thinking to do...hows it goin for you?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I see LOST. The more he takes the control...the better. Good work!

I am ok. Thank you. It's not surprise that I haven't heard from him. Really, I didn't hear from him since Sat. night. This is a record. 

Nothing much to say tonight. I'm tired. 

Your farmhouse sounds wonderful and peaceful....


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

lost1234 said:


> yes, it should be the kids that are happy...they dont get to pick who their parents are or what problems they have to deal with...
> 
> its up to the parents to deal with them in a responsible manner...not to run away from them...that never resolves a thing...


Your story is heartbreaking but this statement above is so true it made me cry after reading it i just hope your situation gets better soon and wish mine would see the truth of this statement you made here in this post , God bless you and your family


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Gee Lost too bad you don't live near me, then our H's could rent a place together! At least your H listened to you when you said your not ready to close the door on your marriage and didn't say otherwise. What is it with these men? I am reading a book right now called "Why Men Leave" It is all about the psychology of different men and how they were brought up. Not sure if I am liking it or not. Guess the answers I am looking for will not be written in a book. Like How do you get your stubborn ass husband to come back home to his family? How to make your Husband understand how much you love and need him? You know something like that. 
I hope you find happiness and resolve soon. One year has been way too long of a hell for me and the kids. I still don't understand why I can't seem to give up hope either. It drives me insane.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

ben...sorry to make you cry...it so hard!

believe...if you find those answers...be sure to let the rest of us know!


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

ok we go to the mall...guess who we run into? by himself looking down...

you got it! hubby was there too...wtf

now girls are even more wound up...we all walk store to store looking for specific webkinz...aarrrgggg

he is now hungry wondering if we are too? this is what pisses me off...if i say no the kiddos are pissed...if i go im upset with myself...

my bad, we went, would've had to anyways...let him pay.

it was actually a nice lunch to be honest.

d 8y/o has dr appt at 4...figured i wouldnt see him until then. it was a med check for her...he has always come because of the importance...

anyways, we are leaving the restaurant and he says he has to go pay the insurance, then hes heading back to mom and dads...whatever...45 min out there...bout 15 to our house...he 'll see us about 4...


me and the girls get home they are on computer doin their webkinz...i sit down to watch my recording of Men of A Certain Age with a nice cup of coffee...who the f comes through the door?

you got it....aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggg!!!!its only like 1:30.....

come on????

i excuse myself...im gonna go read and/or but leave that show on...

i napped actually...h woke me about 3:30...

he didnt talk much...didnt give him any reason to. when he did he was pleasant...

he is as confused as I am in my opinion!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

LOST: From my keen research and investigation, which has lasted for more than one year, I have come to a conclusion to the question: Why do they say they want out while they are walking in?

I DON"T THE HELL KNOW!

I always try telling myself to quit trying to apply logic to the illogical.

I have no regrets to all of the actions that I did to try to save my marriage.

I bet he can't say the same. 

You do what you need to do to preserve yourself and well being.

He will drive you nuts. Leave him alone as much as possible. When he drops in make your boundaries clear. "Please call before coming over as I might have other plans." Something said that tells him he needs to not come over unannounced.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Lost my H went on like this as well for a couple of months - it is very stressful - take care


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

thanks K,

today and tomorrow are hi God's hands...they have always been such an intimate time for us and the family!


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

NOTHING exciting yesterday at all...dont know if thats good or bad.

h ordered pizza and stuff for the girls for nye , low and behold my favorite sandwich and a bottle of rootbeer was also delivered...

nc seems to help...

thoughts?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It does help in many ways that you don't expect.

The sanity=you see things clearer without the muddy waters of H

The peace=you don't have to walk on eggshells

The marriage=it gives him a chance to walk toward you instead of a way

It doesn't always occur but the chances are greater that he comes back then if you were chasing and asking questions.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Having no contact gives time to think without the emotions in front. Yet it's like a high only a temporary fix. You still will need to iron out why you split up in the first place.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

LH, 

Oh, how i hear and understand what you are saying! I need to give him the space he has been asking for all along...let him figure it out, meaning his issues. atleast start to.
the way he is now is still in a bad place.Cant approach much without an argument over blame...

i am so over that part...i want to have a new and improved marriage...working out things as a team.

he is still stuck on himself and all i have supposedly done wrong...some is the truth some is fabricated...

time and patience. dont know what happened over the past week...frustration i guess...im ok with it for now...

i do better without the waiting for his crap to start when he is around. still havent mastered walking away from it, i tend to bite cause i let it get to me!


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

That means you not available when he wants. That includes intimately. No matter how much you want to. It is only stopping him from seeing what he needs to.. Kind of like giving a bad kid cake even though he's been bad. You are only promoting his bad behaviour.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

h was here all day yesterday...kids were excited as usual but surprisingly went about their own things with xmas games and all...

h made a comment and I simply stated, well its your presence that they need, I dont think they are gonna be on top of you the whole time you are around. they are happy you are "home", but busy with their own little things...

kinda felt bad but what does he expect?

i did my own thing for about an hour and a half...he sat in front of the tv.

after my phone calls, shower and getting dinner going i sat and watched a movie with him. Rendition, it was a pretty good one so nothing gained nothing lost...

he was talking of spending more time here...for the kids on a more regular basis...i said that would be good for them.

ya know...we have an extra bedroom. I had mentioned it months ago and he simply states that he "cant"

im not sure as to what that meant, or means.

even if the 2 of us moved slowly or sometimes hardly at all, it would be better for the girls to atleast see him daily again. with the weather now it sometimes hinders that...


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Lost: Do you think he only comes for the kids? That he has trouble detaching, from you, because of the kids?

I am wondering what your gut tells you? May I ask, does he want to be intimate?


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

lost I am wondering how your anger and frustration levels are 
your story always reminds me of believes....and she has had a truly tough time lately if you have seen her post....
can't = won't.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

CW, 
my gut tells me he comes for both...if it were ONLY the girls...he would ONLY spend time doing something with them, not sitting, eating, watching tv or whatever with me...

k, 

my anger is so high...lol i have learned how to contain it and ley it go once h is gone...for the most part,,,xmas eve is when i lost it!


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Lost you are getting angry cause you want more then what you have. This is why I was telling you to detach and not have any contact with your H unles its about the kids. Your heart is being tossed around and you can only take so much. For your sanity please try and let a little go.. I know it's hard.. We are all thinking of you..


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

I know LH...i try...thanks!


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

H has been here every day this week...

is it normal that when he doesnt speak about anything that it aggrivates me???

ive just been hiding out with my book or leaving to go shopping...it driving me bonkers!


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

lost I said it before. You are angry cause you want to discuss the problems and he doesn't so you sit and get mad waiting. Just try and keep yourself occupied.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Lost: Don't expect anything from him. NO conversation and no real reasoning skills. He doesn't have them at this point.

Just leave the house or go to your room when he's with the kids. Or....have visitation days set up.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

visitation wouldnt work cause he should do his part with the girls...ive been shopping and have been enjoying the me time i have had with my books!
it relaxes me and i havent been angry! kinda nuts cause he was here so much but...i can find a million things to do...lol


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

ok , great weekend as far as time spent and things done with the girls...

was my nephews 3rd b day party...went early and came home late. h was miffed...he was invited but chose not to go...

even though i have been keeping busy with gal and nc as much as possible, im still having concern issues...

it seems h's depression and anger are getting worse...he just doesnt know anything and doesnt want to do anything...not meaning with the girls or me...just in general...

how do you mask the concern? its frightening...staying away and not paying attention helps...but those thoughts are there at the end of the day no matter what.

we have our first family c session later this afternoon...should be interesting if he shows as it will only be us for all of the info stuff b4 the girls take part. 

maybe it will help him somewhere along the line...i know it will help me and the kids a great deal...looking forward to the outside help!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

If he's unwilling to get help or even recognize his issues than there is not one thing that you can do. 

When you start coddling him or allowing him to vent to you or whatever else....it will do no good and it won't change his mind. Then, YOU are further damaging yourself by beating your head against the the wall.

I still feel NC is the best thing to do. 

He needs to figure this out. When and if the time comes, and he asks for your help...then help him. Otherwise, protect yourself and your kiddos.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

oh, Im NOT coddling him cw!! Not listening or doing at all!

if he would want to speak i would offer an ear...this acting like a child throwing a fit...the anger...he can keep it...its all on him. hes a grown man!!!

its that when i think of it all i am concerned for him...its so sad to see and hear them like that...or really just knowing about it at all...


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Corpuswife said:


> If he's unwilling to get help or even recognize his issues than there is not one thing that you can do.
> 
> When you start coddling him or allowing him to vent to you or whatever else....it will do no good and it won't change his mind. Then, YOU are further damaging yourself by beating your head against the the wall.
> 
> ...


CW is certainly onto something here. It's almost like you have to give him an intervention. In order for them to see and change their behavior, we have to step back and stop being so accessible for them. Only then will they be forced to see what they are doing and hopefully make some wholehearted changes for the better.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

thanks guys! you are all right! im doing it...not easy.

we as a family had our first c session today...it went well. way more spoke of the marital issues than even i intended however h was the first to mention any of them.

the c is more for our d then anything. i was surprised that h showed uo and that he actually spoke about us.

we all like the therapist.she was EXCELLENT with the girls... they seemed to like her too! time will tell...if it doesnt work out, i have a few others that were recommended by the pediatrician...


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

BACKING WAY OFF AGAIN!!!!

since he spoke some in c he has turned into a jerk again...im not biting! thanks for the support!

maybe he can start to deal with the anger frustration resentment...idk. all i know is im DONE being his sounding board!
throw me some support, this is so hard!

he needs to do this i know...im just tired of it being taken out on me...

went and visited 2 friends...going to see my sil today after work...dont want to be around him when he is like this...

not sure if it is good or bad that its starting to come out???


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

lost when he has been giving you mixed messages for lomh there is bound to be some yucky stuff under the surface.

If you guys are going to move forward honestly he has to face all that cr**.

He may try to get you in on that - but from experience it is important not to -

Start getting your boundaries in place.
Counselling is the only place the bad stuff should come out.

You are doing good. 
And you are right.
Don't listen.

You can do this.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

I am so sorry Lost. This whole situation sucks for everybody. I can honestly say that for the first time I feel a little bit stronger. I haven't spent any time with my H for 2 weeks. Out of site out of mind as they say. I am finally putting up my boundaries for the first time. He just assumed he was picking up the kids last night and I said no it's ok I got it. I knew he was pissed. I was thinking so what you were the one who left, I am going about my normal Thursday evening. He then texted me several times. First asking how everything was going. then how are you guys? then do you need any food in the house I will buy some tomorrow. I was shocked! I was very short with my answers and matter of fact. No small talk. Not anymore. We need to be determined to not concern ourselves with them anymore. They are grown men and they need to sit and reflect on their own s***.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

well said believe,
your h hasn't even started to face the consequences 
your clarity will help him in that direction - REALITY


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

believe: You are on the right track. You begin to gain clarity when you H is out of sight. It's like you are living in chaos and the smoke begins to clear. This goes for you too LOST.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

thanks all! couldnt agree more!

it sucks and is very hard but this is his crap...

the guilt must have beat him last night...i went about what i was doing, took a shower, read my book and went to bed...

foung he was still on the couch this morning...aarrrrrggg. whatever!

k, what is lomh?


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

yesterday was not so bad...h left then called stating he wanted to start support...got quite nasty wit me so i hung up...didnt hear or see him anymore after that...

did normal housework got the girls and myself ready and headed to my sisters...took the girls and my nephew to build a bear...fun stuff...let them have mcdonalds for dinner, then stopped and got chinese for me sis and bil...

got home around 9:30. no phone calls texts NOTHING. 

believe, it is easier when they arent right on top of us...the crap is theirs...gives us room to think and breathe peacefully when they are elsewhere...

just stinks for our kids


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

today is our 2nd FAMILY counseling appt. 

hoping all goes well...our children need it! 

our marriage could use it...

ill wait and see, its only the 2nd time...dont want to be expecting much! just simply a beginning of something good!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Use that family counseling appts...all of them. If he chooses not to go, at some point, continue going. I fully expect him to bow out and toss a fit or become anxious before he attends. He sees himself, as the bad guy, at this point....this is how they often react.
Just a heads up!

You are doing really well not reacting to his comments.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Going to use an old phrase I am highly fond of, and without question pertains to your husband, Lost.

This guy couldn't find his ass with both hands.

I recognize the confusion, despair, anger and emotional pendulums. But just because he is feeling them, does not give him license to make sure everyone else feels it as well.

I know you fret that he isn't being terribly available as a dad - but honestly, if he can neither take responsibility for, accept, or in some fashion address his issues - do you really want your kids to see dad falling apart, coming unglued and looking to pin it on anyone and everyone but himself?

I'm at a point in my life where I have very little sympathy for adults that choose to ignore or avoid addressing the issues that make their lives, and the lives around them an utter mess.

He is pitiable. That is not a reference I ever want to hear my name associated with, nor should he.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

thanks CW and Deejo!

i agree with you both!

d i always say his head is buried up his ass...close but no cigar!

2nd session went well. it was one on one with older d while we were all in the room...taking part very little. more listening to her.
she is so angry and being the little girl she is, she can not cope. i am still happy with c as well as h. i wont tell him just yet...if ever but im proud of him for being there...he needs to see what is going on, maybe if he continues to go...a light will go off down the line and he will open up some more.

next session is just me and older d. looking forward to it in a way, maybe some bonding can take place again. she was quite clingy today when we got home. 

we all watched G Force... and i cooked a pizza, she went back and forth between me and h like she just couldnt get enough.

i hope it will help both girls. i know it will help me!

i am getting my strength back little by little and have been keeping very busy!


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

not much to say...another busy day!


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

HI to all of my friends!

ok, finally had my surgery...nothing dire, im almost fully recouped now.

quick update.

H has been absolutely tremendous through it all. has not come home, but stayed for the majority of the week!

took care of me, kids, meals, house, pets and all the rest...i was surprised,and overwhelmed...but also VERY thankful.

he has been a bit more like the man i married...maybe a while longer to help himself and he'll want to come home...

counseling for the family went well...next visit is tuesday...only h and 8 y/o are going...councelors idea...

will catch up over the next day or so! hope everyone is doing ok!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Divide and conquer, I like your therapist's approach.


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## Hurtssomuch (Jan 2, 2010)

Lost how do you stay so strong. Today h moved out it is the hardest day of my life. Our stories are very similar. H is depressed and doesn't no what he wants. Says he has to leave and do this to find out if he really wants to be with me. I am having a very hard time dealing with this. He wants to be able to call me and talk because he has noone else to talk to. So he wants to leave but wants me to be there for him, to me this does not make sense it hurts me like hell. I don't know if I can do this why should I be there for him when he walked out on me and our kids. How do you get through this.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I'm glad your surgery is completed and you are healing. It's good that he stepped up to the plate for the family. 

Keep us posted.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

Deejo,

I thought that too! ha ha ha...! one up for me! Maybe he shouldnt have opened his mouth about his male menopause...no seriously, i shouldnt joke about something so debilitating...

good to laugh every once in a while though


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

HSM,

I feel for your every word...i have been there...i have become much stronger with the holidays over now...i wasnt always!
the BEST things i have learned from the great people on this board is thet NO MATTER WHAT...DO FOR YOU! and your children if you have them. it is NOT easy, it is NOT fun, but it WILL help! it took me too long to figure that out!

it makes everything he does or says not seem so important! walk away or hang up the phone if he starts into a mood swing! keeping busy is the only the only way not to sit and feel sorry for yourself...yeah, we all do it...but it is so much more important to learn how to cope with it!
ill check your posts...
keep us posted!


HUGS and MORE HUGS!


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

C,

thanks! infection now...being treated with antibiotics 

it was GREAT that he stepped up! i truly needed it!

im glad to see how well you are doing! still such an inspiration!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Awww...what a bummer! Well, get better lost. 

We miss you here!


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

hello friends!

feeling alot better and have missed each and every one of you!

need to catch up...ill be working on that over the weekend!

btw...anyone else in the middle of this blizzard? we are up to about 15 inches! girls are loving it!


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Good Lawrd with that much snow. I left the East Coast because of the weather.  I am glad to hear you are doing better. I am also glad to hear that your H stepped up to the plate when he needed to. Keep us posted.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Welcome back lost - so glad that you are feeling strong - and that he was there for you for this ....
stay on board!


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

thank you all so much!!

im catching up on the boards...

k and cw...
my ic insists that reguardless of what h says, that his actions...especially with my dads stint in the hospital and then my recent surgery...and h doing all he does that the man has alot of love for me...

i almost wish she hadnt, ive been hearing it in my head! BUT, it is good to know that a complete stranger for the most part...she doesnt even know as much as you all do yet...is capable of seeing it!

time and patience! the nc is harder again because he spent so much time here with the surgery...i have an excellent memory though!

is it bad that after this last snow of 2 feet and h leaving in the middle of it, that we are expected to get another 8-10 inches tomorrow? kinda hoping h gets stuck here...i know i am bad...


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

BLAH.....more snow!! hope everyone in this blizzard os ok!

as for me, h stayed the night due to a broken brake line...left him alone and went to bed...

how do you know what to make out of them saying they cant give this a chance?????

deejo, that would be a good one for you! haha...he still cant find it even if i gave him my hands to use too...

it is depressing to hear that because where he used to scream and rant when i would speak...he is now calm, is he hearing my thoughts? who knows? he asked...

its still like he wants it all to work out but either cant or wont admit it...doesnt feel he has any work to do as it is all me...

any input and im forever grateful!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

lost I don't know what to say other than you sound like you are doing good given the very difficult times.

the problem is that when you see them and expect 'a relationship' and all they give is a withdrawal/denial of that relationship you get hurt and this CANT continue.

lost I am sure he loves you, as you love him...whether he is capable of harnessing that love, accepting it, moving with it, helping it grow.....that is what a living healthy relationship needs

you have an abundance of love and energy - it comes through in your posts...


does he? can he? can he match you?

he will have to or you will be left doing all the work and being hurt and let down.

stay strong and believe in your own love and your own healthy capacity to give ....this is the strong part in you


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

K: I love the way your come across in your posts-so caring.


Lost: Wouldn't it be nice to have them figured out all ready and then wait for them to come around? That would make the waiting easier?

You know...he may never come around. The hard truth. He may keep you in LIMBO for years. I know this is hard to hear. I sincerely hope that he does sooner than later, especially for your kids. 

Either way, he is presenting that he wants to be a part of the kids lives. However, he is still wanting a connection.

As you know, we have simliar circumstances in how our H's (my ex) behaves. 

Applying any logic to this situation is fruitless. You are trying to apply logic to someone that isn't behaving logical.


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