# my boy might not be mine (long but important)



## dazedandhurt (Sep 21, 2010)

can't believe I am typing this right now but here is my situation:

A few days ago my parents and brothers family received anonymous letters saying that my wife had been cheating on me with one of her coworkers and that it began just before my 4 month old boy was born. my parents showed me the letter and not knowing if it was true or just someone being malicious I showed it to my wife. I guess I'm "happy" she told the truth and admitted to it but it lead to the next question. I asked if I should get a paternity test and she said I SHOULD. I guess I was too trusting of my wife though I thought it would be OK to trust her completely. I never bothered her about hanging out with friends or coworkers but I was wrong.
I don't know how to feel or what to do. I am getting a paternity test but I was informed a few hours ago that this guys she was still with has done one and will be giving it to her tomorrow for her to show me. I also found that whenever she said she would bring our son to see her friends it was actually him she would bring him to. My wife also had his daughter (yes he is also married with older children) babysit my son when I was working. I also found out today that he asked my wife if he could see my son and I said NO! I had done everything a good husband does for his pregnant wife, I was there throughout every part of delivery, and I have over the last 2 months stopped working to be a stay at home dad for my son. regardless of what I receive tomorrow I will still do my own test. I don't know what to think, what to feel, what to do. any advise, support, comments in general would put me at some ease (probably not but it is worth a try).


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position, I can only say at least your wife was honest and you are going to be able to find out for sure one way or the other.....
Whatever the outcome of the paternity, there is still a child involved that has to be taken care of.....
The affair is a painful thing in itself, but to add this kind of situation to it is doubly bad for you....
I would say when you get the news you have to make some decisions for yourself.....
If the child is not yours and your wife wants to continue her life with the OM, let her go and move on with your life......
If the child is yours, takes steps to protect you and your son....
I would sit her down and tell her if she wants to stay married, she will have to stop all contact with the Om and that she will need to quit her job. the two of you will send a No Contact letter to him together, you will then have total access to all her communication devices, comp, phone and her whereabouts at all times.....
If she refuses No Contact, you expose the affair to everyone the two of you know, family, friends......the Om's wife......the affair won't survive for long once everyone else knows it is going on, or they actually have to look after each others needs....
Affairs are fantasy not real life, the OM isn't likely to break up his family for her......
Be the guy your wife doesn't want to lose, look good, smell good, be happy and make sure she knows you love her and are willing to work through this if she does the right thing for the marriage......
Be prepared to walk away to show her she can't just push you around.....let her feel the brunt of her decisions.....let her feel the rejection she will feel from the OM.......
Be stong and patient here, this is the key, you have time....


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

My suggestion is that if you are both committed to the marriage, then (a) no further contact (including babysitting) with the guy or his family and (b) the results of the paternity test remain confidential between you and your wife. If the other guy IS the father, he may try to interject himself into your son's life (and, by extension, int your wife's life).

I would also suggest that there was a reason your wife had an affair and that you figure out how to resolve those issues.


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## dazedandhurt (Sep 21, 2010)

UPDATE

I found out a few hours ago that he is not genetically mine. I still love him and recently I was thinking I might be able to work it out with my wife. I want what’s best for my son and I didn't think I would care about the results. After I heard them I was crushed just as bad as when I found out my wife cheated on me. I told her the results and she says I am still the father and she wants us to work this out (she hasn't interacted with the other guy other than him talking to her at work and her saying she doesn't want anything to do with him and her getting HR involved... as she says).

A few days ago I was pushing my son around in the stroller (he is almost 5 months now) and a lady we passed started talking with me. She made the comment that "he must look like his mother" and that hurt ALOT. I will never be able to say to him that he gets his swimming from me or he has my toes, nose, etc and that kills me. If I had found out about my wife cheating on me before I got to know and love my son I don't think I would have stayed, I figure that would have been best for me and my son. I am afraid that I will look at him and someday not see him as my own. I wanted for so long to have a child who I could in every way call mine and I still want this. If I have another child (whether with wife or another) will I still see my son the same way?


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

Why in the world would you want to be stressed out every day for the reset of your life????? You are not going to stay, It will kill you very slowly to be a part of this. I know in a few more months you will stop this mess you are in now. and start over fresh. With little to no stress, and you can still see them from a few miles away. You know it's the right way to go deep down. I had a friend that did what you are trying to do, he had a stroke and now he can't even wipe his own butt. Do not under estimate the power of stress on the human body.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I'm so sorry for you to have to go through this. I think when a woman lies to men about them being the father, or in your case conceals the possibility of another father, there is no worse crime. I can't imagine how it would feel after bonding with your son to learn he is not yours.

I think you have to take a step back and really think about what you want. Can you ever truly trust your wife again? Are you truly in love with a woman who can hurt you so badly and not even be the one to tell you the truth? I think you are trying to be a wonderful person here but you can't completely sacrifice your own happiness for others when they don't appreciate, care about your feelings or be faithful.

Granted, I don't know what your relationship was like at the time of the affair or before/after but I do think you have a lot to think about. You can always remain in your son's life but you don't have to tolerate a woman who treats you like that.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Drop her.

You don't need that kind of baggage.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

BTW, I wanted to add to this - this is what we talk about women not respecting nice guys.

You would think if you decided to raise the boy as your own you would get the respect of your wife.

Trust me. . .you won't.

It would seem like she would say, "Wow. . .how Christian of him. That's a real man there."

She won't.

Other women may respect for you it. . .but she won't.

I saw this happen to a couple in high school. . .he loved the girl, she got pregnant by another man, he married anyway. . .they're divorced.

Save yourself the trouble and cut your losses and cut her loose.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> BTW, I wanted to add to this - this is what we talk about women not respecting nice guys.
> 
> You would think if you decided to raise the boy as your own you would get the respect of your wife.
> 
> ...


Nice guy, bad guy, sometimes just plain stupid guy...I would never do this to any guy. It's inexcusable and a horrible thing to do.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I won't judge you to ask why you are doing this to yourself. I already understand why. I also won't suggest you not tell the father because he has to know. Actually, I understood your post that he has done his own paternity test, so he already knows.....as it should be.

Presently, you are in mental and emotional lock down. The reason is you have been hurt at devastating levels, and your system is in shock. Your life and everything you know has been turned upside down, and it is impossible to think clearly right now. Because you are no longer in control, the weird and seemingly unexplainable thing is you feel more in love with your wife, more in love with your son. That's the havoc our emotions play on our system because the mind, like I said, is in lock down. So, what takes over to keep you going ever so artificially are emotions because there's nothing left to guide you, wake you up each morning, and carry you through the day. It's called survival. My guess is you are a kind and caring man because I know a lot of men who would have torn the house down over this, and that is their survival mechanism.

You have to get a grip and get a hold of your senses to pull yourself out of this emotional fog. Take some time away from home, away from your wife, and away from the baby so you can think clearly.

You probably already know the father will want visitation, which means there will be regular and frequent contact outside of work, and he will be involved in your life, which equals constant reminder. Can you deal with that?

You already know if you stay together, you and your wife will probably have other children. Can you deal with your son in the same loving manner and not become partial to your biological kids? That is extremely difficult to do for the average man or woman, especially when he does things or acts in ways you don't approve of. You will likely become judgmental and unnecessarily hard on him out of anger and resentment you didn't know you harbor.

Moreover, will you be able to completely forgive your wife? Forgiveness means you won't make her pay for the rest of her life. You won't throw this up in her face in the heat of arguments. You won't judge her as less than the woman you fell in love with. There is help available for overcoming infidelity, but can you and are you willing forever? And can you with the child there as permanent daily reminder?

You wanted this child because you thought it was yours, but you would not have felt the same throughout her pregnancy and delivery had you known he is not yours. The love you have right now is residual because love does not just disappear. And it is increased by the painful news as part of the various stages between shock and acceptance. But you have to give yourself some time to climb out of this. You do yourself (and your wife and child) a great injustice to make any decisions until you deal with this shock and give it the time and attention it requires. Otherwise, you will come to your senses some time down the line because the shock will have worn off, emotions will take a back seat to good and common sense, and the result won't be pretty because it won't be your own voluntary control. Get a grip. Get away. Get your head screwed back on straight. Then make your lifelong decisions.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Susan's post was absolutely the HEART of the matter in every respect. 

You need TIME , time to think, time to heal emotionally. I can not imagine the pain of what you are going through right now. If it was ME, I would TEAR the house down. I do not believe I would be able to stay and love THAT deeply. It takes a He** of a man to forgive THIS deeply, and love another's child as his own. 

I do feel this WILL become more difficult if/when you have your own- if you stay. I have seen it a few times, and these did not even involve a spouse cheating & getting pregnant, but just other children brought into the marraige, and how they were treated AFTER they had their own children. 

It is not fair to the child of coarse, but this is so pathetically unfair to you. Do you love HER this MUCH ? And if so, why? What has she done SINCE this truth came out to plead her love for you ?? If it is all about finacial need, You NEED TO LEAVE HER and never look back. 

How does this work now, if he is the biological father, will the Birth certificate be changed and He will have to start paying child support? In NO way should this fall upon you!! Not sure how the law works in these matters, but I recall watching a 20/20 years ago where the courts had zero concern for a Father whose wife had 2 of thier 4 kids with another man. He had to pay for all of them, just because they were married & his name was on the Birth certificates. Not one law was on his side. I would have marched in the streets for that man to have Justice , I was simply outraged ! Men need protected to from unfaithful wives. 

Do not settle for less than you deserve in this life, a faithful woman is worth more than Gold, every nice man who walks this earth deserves no less. But it seems they get sucked the most. If you decide to stay with her & the child, makes sure it is because she truly loves you, the ground you walk on -for who YOU are. That she ever shows this daily- and you feel it in the depths of your soul. 

I am all for Forgiving from one's heart if truly the offender is remorseful in the pit of their being & would do anything to have not caused the pain. We don't know your wife, why she did this to you, only you do, may you discover the truth in her heart.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

YEs, SA and Susan got to the crux of the matter - what your short-term emotional state is (susan was eloquent) and what the long term prospects are (SA was insightful).

I am sure your wife is sorry. 

Sorry she got caught. Sorry it happened. Sorry for the child. The problem is you don't know if she's got any contrition on how many lives she screwed up with her actions and really sorry she hurt you.

Hey, I know this crap happens. It happens a lot.

I admire the Christian religions a lot. We know other religions and cultures take "bastard" kids and segregate them/eschew them and that's not right. I am not even suggesting you can't have a relationship with the child you helped usher into the world through supporting her through delivery. You can be some kind of "uncle" or "big brother" to him.

I do think Christian mores are instructive in that we are all God's creatures, especially this little boy.

But we are all talking about what YOUR moral (and legal) obligation is. I don't think it is written in any code of mores that men have to support and raise any non-biological child.

What makes me think about this incident is this. . .men are impulsive with sex. Women just aren't as impulsive. They are naturally more calculating because they have to be. . .this being the main reason why. Sometimes they are impulsive. Okay, they have too much to drink and one thing leads to another and bam. . .pregnant from one night of indiscretion.

If it were that, I could perhaps find it deep within me to forgive.

But this sounds like a choice she made, not a moment(s) of indiscretion. SHe knows him from work.

It's my opinion she *wanted* to bear his kids, on some kind of base level. I say let her have what she wants.

Women with multiple fathers are frankly a dime a dozen. The odds get better as you get older and more stable in getting a woman, like SA said, who's faithful and respectful.

If you feel obligated to do some kind of Christian thing, give to a women's shelter. But let this other man "man up" and raise his son and support him, not you.

Now. . .all of this being said, let me say something else. There is a small chance my 3rd son may not be mine. The reason I say this is because we had sex one time that year and she got pregnant (the timing was right on though, like 30-40 days later we knew) and my son looks like me and his brothers so I am not really worried. And I have decided that I don't want to know if he were not mine. I am his daddy and he is my boy. So, I know psychologically where you are sitting.

But my wife has never said this is "the other guys" and I beleive her (mainly because we were both working so hard and raising our 2 others, I didn't see the time for any physical affair for either of us, only emotional ones. She and I went to work, came home, raised kids, no fun, no nothing. . .that was our previous life together, unless she snuck quickies at noon at a motel or something).

I tell you this because I *can*see the flip side of this issue, of wanting to not disrupt an important relationship to you.

But I think my situation (a small chance he's not mine and not even wanting to go there emotionally) vs. your situation (he's not yours) is different.

I don't want to see you get more attached to the baby and the situation get more complicated.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I recall watching a 20/20 years ago where the courts had zero concern for a Father whose wife had 2 of thier 4 kids with another man. He had to pay for all of them, just because they were married & his name was on the Birth certificates. Not one law was on his side. I would have marched in the streets for that man to have Justice , I was simply outraged ! Men need protected to from unfaithful wives.


Geez, SA, with paternity test flying all over the place the way they do these days, I would have thought these courts were more understanding by now.....and the laws would be changed or at least bent out of shape. I guess the OP better make sure the birth certificate gets corrected ASAP.


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## BlueEyedBeauty (Sep 27, 2010)

Let me start off first by saying "I am sorry"​Okay,here goes- it is very heart breaking to know that someone you, have loved and been in love with for so long; has done something so unbelievable and untrusting to their loved ones. If she had any feelings for you, if she loved you, if she was in love with you- she would not have went out and cheated on you; she, would not have done the others she has done to you, as well (things you did not list)​
True love, is something so very rare to find​Not to many people would ever be able to feel something so very special and so very precious as a gift of love. It is just like a treasure; and something you, would always want to keep ahold of. You, have done everything that a husband should have done- loving his wife, trusting his wife, letting her have friends and all the other things you, have done. Then she had to be trade you, and use your trust. It is one thing that she went out and cheated on you; but then to have another man's child that is even worse.​
It is a good idea you are going​​to be getting a paternity test done; that is something really does need to be done. You, know though those things do cost a lot of money- but you can always call DNC- they have their paternity test way cheaper than what you, would end up paying else where. You can just have a normal one done with just a paper saying who is the father- that is 150.000 dollars and it will test you, the mother and the child. Then there is the other one where you can have the paperwork with the stamp on it and that is the one that is really the best- it can be used for everything that one is 300.00 dollars. I had to have a paternity test due to me being raped and had to find out if my husband or the rapist was the father. I went with the 300.00 one.

So, if I were you, I would listen to this part​On the paternity test info- or you, will be paying an arm and a leg... I wanted to be able to help you, out on that info as well, and just like I am trying to do with me being here for you, I hate how people always seem to think that cheating is something that they need to do. When you're with someone, dating someone, married to them then you are giving your whole self to the person; you, sure would not just give half of yourself to the person and have your other half go elsewhere and cheat on them. Just like how people try to say that- they are in love with two people. That also is something that really cannot be done- not if you, are really in love and loving the one person. Because to love someone is to give your whole self to that person. So, if you're giving your whole heart to the person you cannot love another. Also the love would not just die. If does then it never truly was "true love"​
So, this is something you can think about​You, and yourself would know then if your wife has ever really had true love for you, and if she ever was in love with you. I will say, "If she was she would have never went out on you"​


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

The paternity test costs much less than 18 years of child support.


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## southernbelle (Sep 27, 2010)

I'm a little late reading this and I'm not going to address anything except this your statement here... "I am afraid that I will look at him and someday not see him as my own. I wanted for so long to have a child who I could in every way call mine and I still want this. If I have another child (whether with wife or another) will I still see my son the same way?"

If you TRULY forgive your wife and you can can 100% get past this then I think you can absolutely love this child as your own always.
I gave birth to 3 children...they are my world...a 4th child was brought into our lives thru adoption. His bm is very minimally in his life...but I can tell you with 100% honesty that we love that child just as much as our other children. Before he came into our lives I always wondered if people could really love adopted kids the same...and now I know. They CAN. And I think you can love this child the same way.
But if you have doubts about that, it probably IS best to let him go now rather than hurting him later. Because if you can't accept him in 10 years or however long, then he will sense that and be much more hurt.
Best of luck to you!!


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## Xander (Oct 20, 2010)

First and foremost, you must stop referring to him as your biological son. Based on her reactions to what I write below, you may refer to him as your adopted son and treat him as well as your own.

I agree with most of the commenters here that you need emotional healing. But you can't "heal" when the knife is still stuck in your back.

Please understand that the following advice does not take for granted that it will be easy. You are hurt and shocked, plus you are clearly an empathetic person for whom anger does not come easily. And also please understand that you should not take out any rage on the boy (stop calling him "my son") -- more on that at the bottom. With those caveats in mind: 

*You need to raise holy, utter hell.* That is the only way you will keep from being taken advantage of by these cheap people for the rest of your could-be-miserable life. 

The reason you need to raise hell is because it's clear that your wife is more narcissistic than empathetic. I'm sure she has some humanity in her and is sincerely sorry to have hurt your feelings. But frankly, her actions are not the actions of a woman feeling very contrite or down on herself for carrying on a notorious affair (who sent the letter? The affair obviously wasn't that a secret). All the while you're busting your ass to provide for her *exactly the way society tells you you ought to.* She allowed you to do so because she was capable of putting her own hedonism, selfishness, and duplicity above your needs. 

Don't even get me started on the cad who knocked your wife up and let you foot the bill.

There is no amount of sharing-of-feelings, "working things out," or *****-footing-around-the-issue counseling that can make a woman like this feel bad and begin treating you like a man again. *Anyone capable of doing this to a spouse in the first place is not capable of working things out just because it's the right thing to do.*

She clearly does not respect you as a man. Or really, a person. 

You must extract a cost from her -- more than she's willing to volunteer out of societally-mandated altruism. Assuming you don't divorce her ass and fight like hell to keep from paying child support -- which, frankly, is what I actually think you should do -- *you must teach her that if she is to enjoy what you provide, it is because you choose to share it with her as a couple and not because she's entitled to it.*

Specifically, I recommend the following:

1. Have a lawyer draw up divorce papers. Make sure they include arguments that you should pay no child support. Show them to her and let her contemplate what it feels like to be cold. That is the threat if she fails to do exactly what you say, including:

2. Demand that she either find a new job or that she ask her boss to fire the real father. Affairs are addictive the same way drugs and alcohol are addictive. You have to break the addiction, which means cutting off access. 

3. Sue the real father for support. He knocked her up, he can pay his share of the medical bills. Also, it needs to be widely known that he's a sleaze.

4. Have your wife sleep on the couch for a few days.

5. Make sure you're going to a gym and getting in shape. She needs to look at you and see a man.

6. Under no circumstances should you refer to the boy as your biological son. That is a lie. It will come out. And as long as you're telling yourself the lie, you're denying yourself the catharsis of demanding sincere contrition from your wife. Assuming you can patch things up in way that doesn't leave you acting the chump for the next several years, *refer to the boy as your adopted son.* 

As for the boy:

No child should suffer because his biological parents are morally bankrupt. Carrying out the above steps will not harm the boy in the least. If his mother threatens to take him into an environment where he won't be cared for, then you initiate proceedings to declare her unfit and you adopt the boy yourself. Referring to him as your adopted son allows you to care for the boy and be a family with him, but preserves your dignity as a man.


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