# sad and frustrating thought to myself



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I was reading another thread today....

I had that sad and frustrating thought to myself again...

I realize as time goes by that reasoning with, or trying to offer logic to a loyal spouse who is in the middle of the infidelity hurricane is almost as useless as trying to talk a disloyal spouse into understanding why its best for them to quit having an affair...

It's so frustrating. I think that’s why we as survivors of this process are so desperate for the posters here to listen... we try so hard because, all of us heard this once. We didn’t listen. We couldn't. Now the process comes full circle, the cycle continues. 

I once described the cycle like being in a dream.. 

Reading these posts is like watching confused, scared, blind people wandering out into the road and desperately turning in circles, disoriented and unable to get out of the road... you see the truck coming, you know they are about to get run down and we are all here screaming for them, PLEASE OVER HERE!!! Get out of the road!!! They hear you, but cant understand what your saying... A few are able to stagger away just enough to miss getting completely run down, but most just cant move... Then later, the people that get run down somehow appear on the side of the road with the group... screaming for the next group of blind people that stagger into the road... trying so hard to save them from the pain of that truck.

I think it's only at the point that the truck runs you over that it all becomes clear. The denial shield shatters, the rescue/save "fire" dies, but then somehow the "lights" suddenly come on.

Kind of sad that when hope dies, we become resigned and begin to detach ourselves from the process... That's when we have the strength and courage to do what would have given us the best chance of reconciliation to begin with... Only now, Its too late. 

Sigh... If we could have only listened to the screaming...


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Agreed. Then there are those who have the nerve to insult the people trying to help them.

It often makes me wonder if we're doing anyone any good at all.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I do believe I push for exposure just because I screwed up mine so badly
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> I do believe I push for exposure just because I screwed up mine so badly
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah the biggest mistake I made personally and still cant reconcile with myself is the fact that I was so scared, and nervous... It was like I was scared of making her mad or making some sort of mistake... absolutely outside of my character. I should never have pu$$yfooted through certain pieces of the process and wish I would have swifter, more decisive action with NO REGARD for how mad DS would be at me...

rediculous.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Agreed. Then there are those who have the nerve to insult the people trying to help them.
> 
> It often makes me wonder if we're doing anyone any good at all.


Yeah we see a lot of those types of posters. They ask for opinions/advice, then they get it, and get angry/upset/pissed off because they don't like what they hear.

People are going to do whatever they want to do. Despite whatever we advise/tell them/recommend. Such is life. It does suck, especially because it is as Pit described--warning them of the impending car wreck and they just stand in front of it. 

There is nothing anyone can do until they want to make a change or accept reality and take a stand on their own.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

to me it's still worth it, you do reach some, most recent example is hurting in NC


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## clairebear (Jul 2, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> to me it's still worth it, you do reach some, most recent example is hurting in NC




:iagree:

There's always those who will not listen and follow the great advice is given here but there's many who will listen and that's why this forum and the advice of all the BS is so important.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Yup, sometimes everybody sees it coming but them.










But like AR said, we do get through to some of them.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

clairebear said:


> :iagree:
> 
> There's always those who will not listen and follow the great advice is given here but there's many who will listen and that's why this forum and the advice of all the BS is so important.



another shining example is CB here (and the poor guy had tons of conflicting opinions on what to do about stalker dude outside his house)


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I am new to TAM but I have read a number of threads where the poster does seem to accept advice - maybe it doesn't look like that right away, but they seem to soak it in even if they fight it at first. I think the posters on TAM - especially the ones who've been through the rough stuff - are helping a lot of people. I know I'm not really in a position to give much advice but I can say I've learned a great deal from reading others' threads - both from those asking for and those giving advice.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

If they have made it as far as to post here they already know whats up. They just want us to tell them they are wrong and they are overreacting to something minor. Same story, different location usually.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> to me it's still worth it, you do reach some, most recent example is hurting in NC


Yeah, I know. But, Then there are so many of those guys like the one who's wife is f*cking the other dude on the baseball team... I dont think he's going to "get it"... or the DS chick coming in feigning remorse. Asking for an angle to win back the hubby she discarded after the 3rd try at a relationship with the OM failed... Those are the ones that kill me. 

Reading some of these stories can be so painful and so frustrating when you know you could help if they could only listen...

Sigh... Just a rough day working the board I guess.

lol.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Amplexor said:


> .


Well played, lol. Thats such a perfect illustration on so many levels.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

I'm hoping to be one of those who learns from others' mistakes... rather than getting run down by the bus. But I have this sinking feeling I'm going to get mowed down.

I told my MC that it's fight or flight... but my fight or flight is reversed... I run from the hard way out and just squash my feelings and stick... fighting for me is actually the escape from the situation. So for me to up and file for divorce and get an apartment and leave is really me fighting to break free of my pattern... while H thinks it's flight.

Does that make any sense at all?


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

I want to put myself down as one of the people you have helped immensly with your advice. When I started going to counseling, at everyones advice here on TAM, they had a questionaire to fill out, one of the statements you were to mark true or false was, "I can follow directions" I smile even now, as I marked true. It is that willingness to listen, to analyze, and follow directions that saved my life. But without TAM I would not have had the information and directions I needed when I needed it. So in my book, you do a lot of good! Which is why I have hung around to throw in my 2 cents worth when I feel I can contribute.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Lovebug501 said:


> I'm hoping to be one of those who learns from others' mistakes... rather than getting run down by the bus. But I have this sinking feeling I'm going to get mowed down.
> 
> I told my MC that it's fight or flight... but my fight or flight is reversed... I run from the hard way out and just squash my feelings and stick... fighting for me is actually the escape from the situation. So for me to up and file for divorce and get an apartment and leave is really me fighting to break free of my pattern... while H thinks it's flight.
> 
> Does that make any sense at all?


I think that "fight or flight" is a very outdated term. They expanded on it since the late 60's (when it became a mainstream explanation for stress related reactions.)

Actually, if I recall correctly the more accurate terminogy for what actually happens is now "fight, flight or fright (freeze)". Which might make more sense in you. 

The third reaction to cortisol induced stress is "fright" or freezing. Read about it, it might make more sense how your actually reacting... You might not be fighting or flighting at all you might be frozen. Dunno.

ps. I love your sense of humor about getting mowed down... made me laugh.. lol, i think you might be ok. 

*edit* I know about freeze because of researching my own reactions to my W's infidelity... I'm a "freezer" under serious stress.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

Pit - my IC told me yesterday that from everything I've been telling him, I am the designated "pain bearer" in all my relationships. I will do whatever I can to hold the pain to myself to keep other people from hurting.

For instance, when I was in the 4th grade, my parents separated and rather than going with the fun parent (my dad), I couldn't bear the pain I saw on my mom's face as my brothers abandoned her and I stayed with her... best decision I could have made. 

I stayed at a job where I was completely miserable for years because my boss "needed me". Only when I was on the verge of a complete breakdown and was offered a way out by another place did I finally get out and I still felt guilty for leaving, even though I gave a 6 week notice.

So maybe I do "freeze". I'll have to check into that. It's like I don't want to leave because I don't want to hurt him - even though he's repeatedly hurt me and I fully expect that it will happen again.. and again.. and again - oh look - here comes that bus and I'm a deer in its headlights.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Thats interesting. Im sure your IC has mentioned or at some point you have researched the Placater or People Pleaser role? often a "caregiver" in relationships...

Would you describe yourself like this?

1. Caring, compassionate: Are you the caretaker for everyone's feelings except your own?. Do you feel you have "a gift" or ability to analyze everyone's behavior and feelings almost to an art form.

2, Empathic: Do you feel like you become the respository of everyone's hurt feelings?.

3. Good listener

4. Sensitive to others

5. Giving

6. Have a nice smile ? lol.

Any of these things ring true as your qualities ?

1. Inability to receive: You are so accustomed to giving that you have difficulty being on the receiving end.

2. Denies personal needs: You are so adept at meeting others' needs that you can't identify our own let alone attempt to meet them.

3. High tolerance for inappropriate behavior. You can become attracted to and can tolerate unusual behaviors from others.

4. Strong fear of anger or conflict: You feel like the world would collapse if anyone was upset with you?.

5. False guilt: placaters will make up something to feel guilty about if nothing exists to prompt guilt.

7. Anxious: This can manifest in dozens of ways from fear of heights to a fear of bridges, social phobias, and fear of going crazy.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Thats interesting. Im sure your IC has mentioned or at some point you have researched the Placater or People Pleaser role? often a "caregiver" in relationships...
> 
> Would you describe yourself like this?
> 
> ...


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Pit, you are so very correct on this. Back in 2003, when my husband left me for ow, I was such a wreck. He did so many horrible things to me over the course of two years but I still wanted him. I believed he was just going through a "phase" and he would eventually come to his senses. Many people tried to tell me I would be better off without him but I wouldn't listen to him. My whole world revolved around him. I would eat, breath and sleep that man. And he treated me like sh*t. Back then, I found myself surronded by other people who were also dealing with unfaithful husband's and while their understanding was very comforting to me, they gave very bad advice. I was told to just love him, he will come around. I was told to give him whatever he wants to prove you love him, he will eventually see your worth, yes, I was told lots and lots of bad advice.
When our world is turned upside down like that, I think we go into defense mode. It is easier to protect ourselves by not facing reality. In 2005, my husband came home. He told me he was sorry, that he loved me and he made me a million and one promises. 6 years later we divorced. He had lied to me, and I bought it all. I swept everything under the rug, I never made him be accountable for his actions. I was afraid he would leave again if I put my foot down. He never loved me, he lied to me all the time, he continued to have affair after affair and he never kept a single promise.
I can tell you now that divorcing him has been the best thing I have ever done with my life to date, and I've no regrets over that. The advice that you all have given me on here from when I first joined back in March 2011 has helped me immensely. I am a stronger person. Sure, I still have my moments because the pain of the betrayal is still very real but I am better from where I was a year ago.
I wish we could just beat everyone with a reality stick (both the DS and the LS) and get them to listen to us but sometimes we do have to learn the hard way in order to simply learn.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

@Lovebug, Are you the oldest child?

@Apple, I told you this once before on I.M. But it deserves repeating... The courage that you found inside of you to leave that horrible, disfunctional situation was amazing. After all that time and all that pain to step out of your comfort zone and do what was right for you and your children was monumental!!! Very very proud to have witnessed the process!. <<Big hug>>.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> @Lovebug, Are you the oldest child?


Nope. Middle child. Only girl. Father is an alcoholic. Mother made due. Brothers are both addicts and alcoholics - I have no contact with them anymore. Parents are still together. Only separated for 10 months that time. Have separated again for short periods, in recent years.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Curious, Ive never read your threads and Im not familiar with where you are in your process. Obviously, I just read where you are in your marriage and that you are seeing a counselor. How is that going?

Have the things I mentioned been addressed?. One of those situations where you might be doomed to repeat the disfunction if the cycle isn't broken.

Im not a licensed counselor, Im just some random internet voice with search engines at my finger tips and a keen interest in people and psychology... lol. and I don't want to repeat or tell you things you already know... You probably know all of this comes from 'self esteem' issues. Hope your doing what you can to heal you, it all starts there.


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## clairebear (Jul 2, 2011)

Sometimes only going through a hell of a marriage first to make you listen to others advise, I lived in total denial during the three years that my first marriage lasted, nothing anyone would tell me made me see the reality as it was, I was a doormat and denial was my best friend. When I finally come to my senses was to late... We desperately want to avoid others to go down the same path.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I'm on a few forums and I just have to not post sometimes when I can tell people just don't want to hear what I have to say.

Maybe I'm unusual, but I don't feel like I made many, if any, mistakes in the way I handled things on either of my D days. I just did what I figured needed to be done. And that's why I find it so impossible to see other people pleading and begging with their WS. I do not get it.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

The simple capability of finding others, that still view infidelity as wrong, and who sympathize with my situation, was the freaking BEST thing that I needed, and I found it here, from people all over the globe, whose stories were literally word for word, what mine was. I no longer felt alone.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> I'm on a few forums and I just have to not post sometimes when I can tell people just don't want to hear what I have to say..


Your wrong, you have a ton of value to other people. They may not know it, and may not like hearing what you have to say but it has value i'll tell you why....



Hope1964 said:


> Maybe I'm unusual, but I don't feel like I made many, if any, mistakes in the way I handled things on either of my D days. I just did what I figured needed to be done.


Because of that... and this...



Hope1964 said:


> I find it so impossible to see other people pleading and begging with their WS. I do not get it.


You are intelligent and more importantly you have "something". Maybe it's natural to you, maybe you take it for granted. But the rest of the world isn't blessd with that natural self esteem or the natural instincts to know what is 'right', what to do, or the strength to carry it out. 

You have it. People need it, Share.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

lordmayhem said:


> Agreed. Then there are those who have the nerve to insult the people trying to help them.
> 
> It often makes me wonder if we're doing anyone any good at all.


Of course you are all doing good. A great deal of good. When I first came here the whole process was painfully tortuous, the Plan A/B stuff. Guys were in Plan A for 12 months or more! Buying their wives flowers, chocs or whatever while all the while she stayed with the OM. There was even a letter they could write to reclaim their in the mud self-esteem, dignity etc. at the end of it all. And can you believe it there was even a thread about how snooping is so very wrong! Trust her, righto.

It just wasn’t working so I looked for something else and found the 180 at Divorce Busting and introduced that along with N.U.T.s. I liked the concepts and guided some through it. And then all you guys took up on it such that it no longer needed my input.

It is far better than it was before, at least in my mind it is. The difference is phenomenal. I don’t think you should ever underestimate your usefulness here. Look at guys like Hoosier and some of the others. You helped those guys immensely. And of course the same goes for the women here and how they help men and women who are unfortunate enough to find their way here.

You are a fabulous team of very individual people, putting yourselves out there to help others with your experiences.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Your wrong, you have a ton of value to other people. ........
> 
> You have it. People need it, Share.


I'm blushing - thanks for your kind words.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> @Lovebug, Are you the oldest child?
> 
> @Apple, I told you this once before on I.M. But it deserves repeating... The courage that you found inside of you to leave that horrible, disfunctional situation was amazing. After all that time and all that pain to step out of your comfort zone and do what was right for you and your children was monumental!!! Very very proud to have witnessed the process!. <<Big hug>>.


You've been a good friend, Pit and a good ear when I needed to vent. Thank you.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> The simple capability of finding others, that still view infidelity as wrong, and who sympathize with my situation, was the freaking BEST thing that I needed, and I found it here, from people all over the globe, whose stories were literally word for word, what mine was. I no longer felt alone.


yep!! There is no escaping the pain for the BS, they have to go through it themselves... but the fact that sound advice was provided and is still there to reread makes the process so much more manageable, atleast it did for me. If I hadn't have found this site I'd probably still be pining to get her back, obsessed with winning her and wasting all my energy not putting it where it needs to be (on myself).


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Lon said:


> yep!! There is no escaping the pain for the BS, they have to go through it themselves... but the fact that sound advice was provided and is still there to reread makes the process so much more manageable, atleast it did for me. If I hadn't have found this site I'd probably still be pining to get her back, obsessed with winning her and wasting all my energy not putting it where it needs to be (on myself).


Exactly. :iagree: I wish I had found this site back in 2003. I may have saved myself from the next 6 years of trouble if I had never taken him back. I still want to give myself a big swift kick in the ass for that.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Curious, Ive never read your threads and Im not familiar with where you are in your process. Obviously, I just read where you are in your marriage and that you are seeing a counselor. How is that going?
> 
> Have the things I mentioned been addressed?. One of those situations where you might be doomed to repeat the disfunction if the cycle isn't broken.
> 
> Im not a licensed counselor, Im just some random internet voice with search engines at my finger tips and a keen interest in people and psychology... lol. and I don't want to repeat or tell you things you already know... You probably know all of this comes from 'self esteem' issues. Hope your doing what you can to heal you, it all starts there.


We have seen our MC a total of 3 times. Things are being addressed in my IC, but MC has pretty much been a total bust. Last night, she told my H that accusing me of things and demanding equality in the transparency wasn't going to get him anywhere because I was out the door and he was trying to hang on. I signed on for 6 months of MC before I made further decisions. I just can't get past the years of cheating with various different women and the continual lying. But now he's "changed" and he "loves me" and will do "anything" to keep me...


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Lovebug501 said:


> Last night, she told my H that accusing me of things and demanding equality in the transparency wasn't going to get him anywhere because I was out the door and he was trying to hang on.


What do you mean equality in the transparency? 



Lovebug501 said:


> I just can't get past the years of cheating with various different women and the continual lying.


It's understandable that you dont _want_ to get past it. You obviously have reasons.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> What do you mean equality in the transparency?


We are separated. I filed for divorce. He claims that he has changed and wants to prove that he's not messing around with other women, I asked to see his cell phone and read his messages. He says - well let me see yours. I say no. He monitors the phone bill to see who I'm messaging. 

Every time I catch him cheating, he accuses me... and this time, I'm not going to allow him to deflect attention away from him by letting him dig through my stuff when I have one foot out the door and I'm talking to my attorney via text and e-mail and I have information in there about him.

He says that the fact that I won't let him look through my stuff is proof I'm cheating and that it's not fair. Fair Schmair... I've taken a huge step forward by even agreeing to MC and showing up and participating each week. He needs to take the huge step of allowing me to look at all his crap without him reading the messages to my mom to find out what I've told her about all of this.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Um, so he cheated and now wants YOU to show him all YOUR texts etc? WTF is WRONG with this guy? Was he dropped on his head as a baby or something??


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Um, so he cheated and now wants YOU to show him all YOUR texts etc? WTF is WRONG with this guy? Was he dropped on his head as a baby or something??


Too many paint chips maybe?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

You mentioned one foot out the door... 

Do you have the other foot going into another door?

No judgements, Im just asking.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Um, so he cheated and now wants YOU to show him all YOUR texts etc? WTF is WRONG with this guy? Was he dropped on his head as a baby or something??


He claims that what started the affair was that the OW pointed out to him that I was talking to a man (who was a current, important client for my law firm) who we happened to run into at a bar, and she told him that she could tell I was "in to" him... and then the texting began and 3 days later the PA began and lasted for 2 months before she broke it off.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> You mentioned one foot out the door...
> 
> Do you have the other foot going into another door?
> 
> No judgements, Im just asking.


No. I am not ready for that. I wouldn't even know how to begin. I have male friends, but they are just that - friends.. and I make no secret of the fact (to them or anyone else) that we are just friends and that is all there will be.

I've fantasized about some drop dead gorgeous man coming up to me somewhere and sweeping me off my feet (or even just giving me a night of extreme pleasure), but I'm too frightened of the reality of sex with some random guy that I can't even do that.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Lovebug501 said:


> He claims that what started the affair was that the OW pointed out to him that I was talking to a man (who was a current, important client for my law firm) who we happened to run into at a bar, and she told him that she could tell I was "in to" him... and then the texting began and 3 days later the PA began and lasted for 2 months before she broke it off.


You realize he's full of sh!t right? What does your MC say about this ridiculous request of his for YOU to be transparent? Damn right you have one foot out the door - you *should* have BOTH of them out the door IMO.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> You realize he's full of sh!t right? What does your MC say about this ridiculous request of his for YOU to be transparent? Damn right you have one foot out the door - you *should* have BOTH of them out the door IMO.


Yes I realize that he is. I don't care what she told him, that's no excuse for him to go and have a 2 month long affair with this girl.

She flat out said - don't you think that's the wrong approach? Keep this up and you are going to lose her.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> Damn right you have one foot out the door - you *should* have BOTH of them out the door IMO.


Agreed. That was the most horsesh*t reason I have ever heard. Kinda funny (not to you im sure) but... his reason was... I thought you were going to cheat, so I cheated (again). ROFLMAO. What a f*cking tool.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Agreed. That was the most horsesh*t reason I have ever heard. Kinda funny (not to you im sure) but... his reason was... I thought you were going to cheat, so I cheated (again). ROFLMAO. What a f*cking tool.


It actually is kind of funny at times. When I think back to the multitude of times over 14 years that I caught him with online sex ads, texting other women naked pictures of himself, having sexually explicit conversations, condoms in his car, etc, etc... but it was always me who was cheating and I was just paranoid because I was "projecting my evil deeds onto him". It really is quite laughable.

[And I'm sorry Pit, I think I might have hijacked your thread...]


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## Lookingforclosure (Oct 24, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I was reading another thread today....
> 
> I had that sad and frustrating thought to myself again...
> 
> ...



:iagree:

Great Post!

A must read!

Bump


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## RadicallyAccepting (Oct 19, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Yeah, I know. But, Then there are so many of those guys like the one who's wife is f*cking the other dude on the baseball team... I dont think he's going to "get it"... or the DS chick coming in feigning remorse. Asking for an angle to win back the hubby she discarded after the 3rd try at a relationship with the OM failed... Those are the ones that kill me.
> 
> Reading some of these stories can be so painful and so frustrating when you know you could help if they could only listen...
> 
> ...


I'm talking to LoveCloud regularly (via text). We're almost at the same point. He's ready to start the divorce. It just took him a while to get there, and he's still hoping for R - but he recognizes he has to be prepared to D.

So even when they seem like a lost cause (i.e. - ME) it can eventually sink in.

BTW - it-guy and mkl helped me not only realize that I could take control and get my life back together, but they kept me from committing suicide (which is how it moved from PMs to texts, I was in serious crisis). mkl texts me every morning with a cheery message to start my day. I met them here, and I owe them a lot.

I'm passing it on, doing the same for LoveCloud. And he's doing OK, he'll make it through with a little help from his TAM friends.

So if you've been helped here, pass it on!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It is frustrating ...to read about the ones who in the face of everything still won't accept that thie spouse is railroading them and they keep clinging, losing all their self-respect in the process.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Of course you are all doing good. A great deal of good. When I first came here the whole process was painfully tortuous, the Plan A/B stuff. Guys were in Plan A for 12 months or more! Buying their wives flowers, chocs or whatever while all the while she stayed with the OM. There was even a letter they could write to reclaim their in the mud self-esteem, dignity etc. at the end of it all. And can you believe it there was even a thread about how snooping is so very wrong! Trust her, righto.
> 
> It just wasn’t working so I looked for something else and found the 180 at Divorce Busting and introduced that along with N.U.T.s. I liked the concepts and guided some through it. And then all you guys took up on it such that it no longer needed my input.
> 
> ...


The advice is brutal. It is horrible but it works. 
It doesn't necessarily work to get the marriage back but only seven months after Dday I am seeing a future and my kids see a dad who is in control of his life.

In contrast there is a woman in my street who 4 years down the track of "loving him more" finally lost it with her blatantly cheating husband when he announced that he was moving in with OW. So much for that method.
In the end she punched him out in a cafe, went home and changed the locks.
Four years of hell, for nothing. Who can afford that!

I hope that in time I can learn enough to offer some real help here.


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## PartlyCloudy (Jun 6, 2011)

I rarely post. I never even gave too too much detail about my situation. I don't think, though, that I would have gotten through these last six months if it hadn't been for you guys on this site. 

Yeah, a lot of the advice is tough to hear, but it nEEDs to be said. The candor can be a little scary when a newly BS is swirling in the confusion & denial, but it's also empowering. It helped me find hope & strength to get my life on track. Even now, if I know I'm going to have to talk to my H, I'll read a few threads to give me a confidence boost. My friends & family have been solid, but it's all you strangers that have been through it yourselves..& come out better on the other side..that have really helped me find my way.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I'm one of the new ones, and I am trying to follow advice.. just making sure I find out all facts I can of the EA before hand. I am seeing a truck coming in the distance and I hope I can jump out of the way... It has only been 6 weeks since Dday and I'm still swirling around. I am very glad I found this site to help put everything into perspective... THE TRUTH HURTS!


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## q4truth (Nov 4, 2011)

I'm new here and I just wanted to give a REALLY BIG thank you to all of you, those who created the board, those who work it, and even those who don't get it till it too late, reading through the threads let you know you aren't alone, and sadly that the situation could be worse at times, but it is all very helpful.
we have all lost something that is irreplaceable, and that will always make us sad on some level, but as you all know very well the shame that is associated with infidelity from both the LS and BS makes it so often impossible to talk these things out and get to the place you need to be. thanks again for all the wonderful advice from those in the know!


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