# Trying To Be Me Again



## scottishdad (Sep 15, 2012)

I am new to this forum - and, to be honest, just looking for a way to feel better after recent events.

My wife left me two weeks ago, although I believe I lost her a long time ago through my own inactions. We were together for 10 years - 9 of them as husband and wife. She was my childhood sweetheart. My soulmate. My best friend. I was her Prince Charming and a father to three girls (two step-daughters who I treat as my own flesh and blood). 

I became complacent and stubborn in our marriage. She was letting me know how unhappy she was and how all she wanted was to feel loved. I failed completely to listen or act. I just thought she would get over it. In hindsight, that explains the inevitable conclusion to our marriage: she went looking elsewhere for what she needed. Once that truth came out - well, there was no way back for us (even though I wanted to resolve it more than anything). She moved out the very day the truth came out. Took our three girls with her to stay at her sisters. 

I have tried to talk to her; tried to explain that I would do anything to make things right for us to try again. But she has a path she wants to follow (just her and the girls). I took the step yesterday - through my love for her - to step back and let her go. It was probably the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. Now I am alone with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company. Struggling with the 'over-thinking' thing (I'm amazed how wild my imagination has been recently). I don't have anyone I can talk to who can give me the impartial advice I need under the circumstances - hence my reason for posting on this site. 

I am trying to me again - the person my wife fell in love with. That is my path - and I will follow it to the end.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

welcome my scottish friend - what did she do to express that she was unhappy? and how did you react? it's still no excuse for having an affair...stop blaming yourself

just a question....if she was your childhood sweetheart how come she has two daughters from another relationship? did you come together later in life? how did you get together?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Is there nothing left to fight for? Sometimes people who have affairs as an answer to their marital problems find out the grass isn't always greener.


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## scottishdad (Sep 15, 2012)

Hi Dollystanford

Thanks for your reply.

I don't exactly cover myself in any glory here by telling you that she did - through suffering and a lot of tears - practically beg me to show her love. I can't even begin to understand or explain my line of thinking back then. I was simply convinced that it was all her problem and I didn't need to do anything - it was all up to her.

We did become distant, although we did have our good days/ periods. When I found out about the other guy I was surprised that she had lied to me so much (he would send her messages on her iPhone - but she had them 'hidden' under a friend's name, so I was none the wiser). She told me that, as far as she could see, our marriage was over and that she was moving forward in her own way. I wasn't showing her any interest and this other guy was. I realised that this was a direct consequence of my previous inaction do listen and love. That is why I feel responsible.

The childhood sweetheart thing - well, I first met her when she was 15. We dated as teenagers, broke up, but remained very good friends. All during that time of being good friends, I had strong feelings for her - but was too shy to say. She then met a guy and disappeared from the scene. I lost contact with her. Years later, fate brought us back together. I had the guys to tell her how I felt about her and we started to date. She had two daughters by that time and, to be honest, I feel into the family thing really easy. It was all looking so perfect - so we decided to get married. We had a third daughter a year later.

How I wish I could turn back the clock and sort all this out


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## scottishdad (Sep 15, 2012)

TBT said:


> Is there nothing left to fight for? Sometimes people who have affairs as an answer to their marital problems find out the grass isn't always greener.


I still have hope. But, as it stands, she is determined to walk her own path with the girls. She has told me that she has no interest in men and just wants to settle in a new home with our daughters.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

TBT said:


> Is there nothing left to fight for? Sometimes people who have affairs as an answer to their marital problems find out the grass isn't always greener.


 
Thanks TBT....I really needed this reminder today....despite a hard workout....I found myself compairing myself to the OW today.  The affair was the result of the problems not the problem itself.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You may find some threads in the CWI forum interesting.You are both equal in having the responsibility to make your marriage work.The cheating was a 100% choice by your wife.She chose the most grievous thing possible to your marriage in response to what was lacking.The more honorable and respectful consequence would have been honesty and divorce.Do you know that her affair is over or do you just take her word on it?


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

scottishdad said:


> I still have hope. But, as it stands, she is determined to walk her own path with the girls. She has told me that she has no interest in men and just wants to settle in a new home with our daughters.


 
Scottishdad....I'm sorry this is tuff stuff. Sometimes I believe marital issues can be worked out and the marriage can grow and become more than it ever was. It can sometimes start with one person making the difference and bring the other person around to start trying as well. I'm not sure what your religous background is (Maybe Catholic or Protestant from Scottland ) but there are two tools you might want to try before its too late but they are Christian based. My assumption is you still may have a chance to win her over being that she told you what the problem is but it would take a lot of patience and effort. After all, she was in love with you once and you have been married 10 years so there is hope she could see the grass is not greener in time. I highly recommend the movie Fireproof. It is a movie that is very inspiring about a man changing his marriage around and winning his wife back. Very well written story and very inspirational. There is a book and journal that goes with the movie called The Love Dare. It sounds korny but really explains alot about relationships and give great advice on how to show your love without sacrificing yourself in the process.

I wouldn't give up quite that easily yet. It seems like from your posts, she has only been gone a short while?

You also need to work on yourself and your issues that contributed to the marital breakdown.

I wish you peace in the days ahead.


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## scottishdad (Sep 15, 2012)

TBT said:


> You may find some threads in the CWI forum interesting.You are both equal in having the responsibility to make your marriage work.The cheating was a 100% choice by your wife.She chose the most grievous thing possible to your marriage in response to what was lacking.The more honorable and respectful consequence would have been honesty and divorce.Do you know that her affair is over or do you just take her word on it?


The affair was brief and is over. The other man lived in Ireland (same town as her friend lives) so most of the relationship was over email and SMS text messaging. Unfortunately, I did see some of the emails - very painful indeed to read. 

She has apologised for not being honest with me. And I do believe her when she says that she is not interested in having a relationship with another man.


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## scottishdad (Sep 15, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Scottishdad....I'm sorry this is tuff stuff. Sometimes I believe marital issues can be worked out and the marriage can grow and become more than it ever was. It can sometimes start with one person making the difference and bring the other person around to start trying as well. I'm not sure what your religous background is (Maybe Catholic or Protestant from Scottland ) but there are two tools you might want to try before its too late but they are Christian based. My assumption is you still may have a chance to win her over being that she told you what the problem is but it would take a lot of patience and effort. After all, she was in love with you once and you have been married 10 years so there is hope she could see the grass is not greener in time. I highly recommend the movie Fireproof. It is a movie that is very inspiring about a man changing his marriage around and winning his wife back. Very well written story and very inspirational. There is a book and journal that goes with the movie called The Love Dare. It sounds korny but really explains alot about relationships and give great advice on how to show your love without sacrificing yourself in the process.
> 
> I wouldn't give up quite that easily yet. It seems like from your posts, she has only been gone a short while?
> 
> ...


That's exactly it - I plan to work on myself. I want to learn from my mistakes. Maybe something positive will happen because of me doing that. I can only hope.

My wife knows how I feel and where I stand. I guess actions speak louder than words though.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Good luck on this journey scottishdad.I hope it brings you to where you want to be and that you find some peace and happiness.


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## scottishdad (Sep 15, 2012)

TBT said:


> Good luck on this journey scottishdad.I hope it brings you to where you want to be and that you find some peace and happiness.


Thank you


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