# Damaged Goods



## Pixel (Jan 10, 2017)

Happy Friday.

Something else that's crossed my mind and I wanted to hear other people's takes and experiences with it.

Part of my fear of leaving my husband is the fear of being seen as damaged goods or even maybe as a failure. Like any new man I meet will look at me and be like oh you couldn't keep your husband happy- you must be a prude or frigid or something. Why would I want his sloppy seconds. 

Disclaimer: I know that what happened wasn't my fault, but these are the voices in my head.

So- for those who eventually left, was this something you feared? Or encountered? For people who stayed, was this something that you thought of that made you stay?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I would look at both of us as someone who learned to leave behind the things that hurt them... the less you talk poorly about your past relationship and more you show how you've grown to understand yourself the fewer fears you have from stepping away from now or into a new future.

You are more beautiful than your insecurities are telling you...what we tell ourself either builds us up or tears us down, be sure we are choosing the right thing to listen to.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Too many people are divorced or divorced themselves to think that.


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

Pixel, those voices you hear are in your head. And they ARE in our world. Men DO think these things. Not the sloppy seconds part, so much, but the damaged goods thoughts, for sure. Some men see divorcees as easy targets for sex and no-goes for LTR. This is a passing phase. Once you get past age 35, the men that you date are often in the same situation. They too are newly divorced, or they have never been married because they have issues, or that they are shallow players. You did get divorced. Your reason for divorce must be communicated clearly and honestly. Do not be a pushover for any new suitor. They want sex. That is OK, but they must prove themselves worthy of it. You will want sex too. Keep one eye on your immediate happiness and one eye on your future situation, future reputation. Balance is everything. So is discretion in every relationship. Verbal discretion, sexual discretion. Have fun. Keep your pride strong.

By your actions and your words you will convince them otherwise, or not.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

When I left my first husband, it was with the attitude that I was SO much better than him any guy would snap me up. And I had three kids ages 4 months, 2 and 4. But then, my ego has never really had much of a problem 

When I kicked my second husband out, I was DONE. With men, marriage, sex, everything. I seriously just wanted to live on my own, get my kids out of the house, and then maybe start looking at FWB or something. I like myself and have never seen myself as damaged goods. I have at times thought of myself as a failure - for not quitting smoking when I tried the first ten times, for being overweight, that kind of thing, but not for something someone ELSE did.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Pixel said:


> *Part of my fear of leaving my husband* is the fear of being seen as damaged goods or even maybe as a failure.


While I'll just make a small comment about damaged goods which is, stop, we are all damaged and anyone who thinks that is more damaged than you, I wanted to focus on the bolded part.

Sister, these are two COMPLETELY MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE concepts. Whether you leave your husband shouldn't be predicated on whether you will be able to find a new one. You either work it out (I don't remember your story, so I am talking in general) or you leave to make yourself be stronger. If you fear what you may find out there and that keeps you home, then you have a lot to work on internally to get through this.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I do not think you want anything to do with someone who thinks in terms of "damaged goods". 

Any mature adult realizes that it takes two people to make a relationship work. 

I would have no negative thoughts at all about a divorced woman. I would be much more worried about someone who had never been in a serious relationship.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Pixel said:


> Happy Friday.
> 
> Something else that's crossed my mind and I wanted to hear other people's takes and experiences with it.
> 
> ...


If every guy thought this(sloppy seconds/no good, etc.) no one would date or remarry.


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

I finally left in the early fall. I never thought of myself as damaged goods until about a month or so ago. It's the reason I refuse to date anyone. I wouldn't wish myself on any man right now.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I would not consider a person damaged goods unless she cheated on her husband. 

Now, what I say may come out sounding harsh, but this is just me and not necessarily others. I personally think a person's past does contribute to who they are and their outlook on life. Yes, every relationship is different, but it is not uncommon for baggage to seep into a new relationship. If I dated a divorced woman, I would want to know why they divorced. I might even want to verify it with the ex at some point. How many men do we see on here that are divorcing due to infidelity but the cheating wife blames him and won't take responsibility?

I don't want to date some woman who tells me she was ignored or emotionally abused, only to find out later she cheated and made up her own story about it. The same should be true for women dating divorced men. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

As a recently divorced man in my 50's, no I don't think of you as damaged goods. Not due to your husband cheating on you. What would make you damaged goods is if you cannot get over what happened. Right now things are raw, so you are not marriage material in the very near term. None of us are immediately after a divorce. Right after you've been betrayed you aren't ready for serious ltr. But that doesn't make you damaged goods, it just makes you still in transition out of the old relationship.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@Pixel, I had similar thoughts when I was asking myself if I should end my marriage. I thought I was a failure; that if my husband didn't find me attractive (sexless marriage), no one else would ever find me attractive; I thought I deserved the crap that he gave me (emotional abuse), and that I was worthless. Those are some of the *kinder* things I thought about myself.

So, what happened? The following happened, not one at a time, but concurrently and worked together:

1. *I found TAM. *I poured my heart out in the "Considering Separation or Divorce" section, and I got a LOT of good feedback there. It helped me realize that my XH's behavior was toxic emotional abuse, and perhaps more importantly, learned that my mother's behavior/ parenting "style" was also toxic and manipulative, which conditioned me to accept and think that my XH's behavior was the best that I could expect from another person.

2. *I found an awesome counselor.* She was our marriage counselor initially, and after 4 sessions, she and I had our first one-on-one session. As the end of our first session, she told me that if I ever wanted to be happy, I needed to divorce him, because he was never going to change. She helped me understand that the failure of my marriage wasn't my fault, and I wasn't a failure because I did everything that I could, but everything won't work if the other person is fighting/resistant. I needed someone to tell me that it was not just OK, but that it was the right choice to leave the marriage. She continued to see me for several months after my XH split, and she was a great source of support and advice.

3. *I read a ton of self-help books.* I started doing this when I started going to counseling, first at the therapist's suggestion, and then I began choosing books on topics that I wanted to explore and discuss. So my therapy ended up being self-driven in a way, because I would start the session discussing what I had read that week, how I saw it as applying to my own life, and what I was learning. My therapist said that she felt bad taking my money, because I was doing all the work, and she was just listening to me. By the end of six months, when she was planning on moving, she said she could refer me to another counselor, but I was doing so well with the books on my own that she didn't really think that I needed a therapist. (This may not work for everyone. I have a tendency to internalize what I read and seek out solutions for all problems, regardless of type, in books, so I do very well with self-help books. But not everyone responds to books the way that I do.)

4. *I found a bunch of new friends.* Basically, my XH took all "our" friends when he moved out. I had spent much of our married life focused on work and grad school, so I didn't have much of a social life outside my XH, and when we went out with friends, it was always people that he knew and hung out with regularly. So, when he left, I literally had no friends and no local support system. My best friends were all geographically very far away, and while they were available to my via phone, they weren't available to come hang out or go out with me if I was having a bad day. And they had their own lives, too--two of them were dealing with severe health issues (one mental and one physical), and the third was in grad school full time and was serving as primary guardian/caregiver for her ailing grandfather. So, I had to re-build my social circle, and I found people/friends who loved me and didn't see me as a failure or damaged goods. They taught me that I am lovable and am a person of value, just by being myself. Some of them have stuck around and are still part of my life, and some of them have fallen by the wayside, but they were all crucial in helping me re-build my sense of self-worth and confidence.

5. *I rediscovered the things that made me happy, and started exploring new things.* I made lists of things I always wanted to do, and my XH never wanted to do--or that he didn't want me to do because it would take time away from him. Then I went out and did them! It helped me to find joy again. I went to the outdoor food and craft market in my neighborhood, that happens every weekend--I started going once a month. I went to Disney World with my best friend. I joined a softball league. I went on hikes. I joined a karaoke MeetUp group and went to karaoke at least once a week. How can you not be happy when you are doing things that make you happy?

If you're going to think of yourself as damaged goods, well, hell! Everyone is damaged goods in one way or another. Have you ever heard of the Japanese art of kintsugi? From wikipedia: Kintsugi , also known as Kintsukuroi, is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum, a method similar to the maki-e technique. As a philosophy, it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kintsugi

Basically, the idea is that you take something broken, and you repair it... and once repaired it's actually more beautiful than it was before it was broken. I like to think of myself as a piece of kintsugi. Yeah, my marriage broke me into a million little pieces. But I put myself back together, and I'm a much wiser, stronger person for it. I'm much more self-aware now, and I know myself and understand my own actions much better. Now that I'm in my first real relationship since my failed marriage (my other, short-term relationships since were disasters), I'm a much better partner. I'm better prepared to handle conflict, I'm no longer scared that I will lose my partner's love and affection if I say something he disagrees with or express an opinion he doesn't like.

Basically, all the fears that I had--the same fears that you have--were not only baseless and didn't come true, my life post-divorce, with the work I've put in, has proven to be the *exact opposite* of what I feared. I am happier and more content and have more hope for the future than I ever thought possible. You can have that, too. You just have to be brave.

*hugs*


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Therapy will help with that misconception.


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## Pixel (Jan 10, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> @Pixel, I had similar thoughts when I was asking myself if I should end my marriage. I thought I was a failure; that if my husband didn't find me attractive (sexless marriage), no one else would ever find me attractive; I thought I deserved the crap that he gave me (emotional abuse), and that I was worthless. Those are some of the *kinder* things I thought about myself.
> 
> So, what happened? The following happened, not one at a time, but concurrently and worked together:
> 
> ...


Thanks for this! Nice to know that someone gets where I was coming from. I do look forward to doing things that I like and things that make me a better person


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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

I totally feel this way as well. Not only did I fail at marriage, I'm an almost 50'year old physically disabled single mother with a learning disabled, emotionally messed up teenager. It took me 13 years to get up the nerve to divorce AFTER he had abandoned me, and I haven't had sex in a decade. What man would take a chance with someone like me?

The only man who has shown any interest in me at all is my ex-BF from high school who is 50 years old, never married, and still lives with his mother. Even he lost interest after I told him about my son. Didn't do wonders for my outlook on future dating prospects.


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

I am on my second marriage. My first husband was an absolute serial adulterer and never stopped cheating on me. I had a similar fear when I kicked him out. I felt that maybe I was deficient and that was the reason he cheated, and I worried that people would see me as someone who couldn't satisfy their partner. It turned out just the opposite..the men I dated would say, "Your ex was CRAZY!", and showed me that I was not the problem at all. When I got remarried my husband would often say my ex-husband had something wrong with him to not be able to appreciate me. Trust me, when you're back on the market the quality men out there are just going to be thankful to have an opportunity to scoop up such a prize. Trust me!! I had to beat them off with a stick prior to getting married. I went on the most fun dates, had dinner at the nicest restaurants and was just generally treated like a princess.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Hellomynameis said:


> I totally feel this way as well. Not only did I fail at marriage, I'm an almost 50'year old physically disabled single mother with a learning disabled, emotionally messed up teenager. It took me 13 years to get up the nerve to divorce AFTER he had abandoned me, and I haven't had sex in a decade. What man would take a chance with someone like me?
> 
> The only man who has shown any interest in me at all is my ex-BF from high school who is 50 years old, never married, and still lives with his mother. Even he lost interest after I told him about my son. Didn't do wonders for my outlook on future dating prospects.


Dear, your attitude may be the problem in this equation. Start working on YOU and focus on becoming the best version of yourself, and you'll be more likely to find a match. Any man who would reject you because of your disability or because of your son is a man you don't need in your life.

And I may mention that not having sex in a decade is a choice that you made. There is nothing wrong with that.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

When I left my first husband, I was 26 with two kids – age 1 and 5. He was very verbally and physically abusive and told me that no one would want a divorced woman with 2 kids. I fully believed him. It wasn’t 5 months later I met my current husband, who was 21 at the time and smokin hot. (granted, come to find out later he has ended up being a super sh*tty husband) but the amount of men that were knocking on my door was ASTOUNDING. I dated around before I met my husband and I surely didn’t have any problem whatsoever finding men to go to dinner with, watch movies, go to the gym, etc. I went on quite a few dates, spent a lot of time on the phone and texting with numerous men. I couldn’t keep them straight. I’m not bragging, I’m literally saying I was flabbergasted by the amount of men interested in my own “damaged goods”. Don’t sell yourself short.


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## Pixel (Jan 10, 2017)

LosingHim said:


> When I left my first husband, I was 26 with two kids – age 1 and 5. He was very verbally and physically abusive and told me that no one would want a divorced woman with 2 kids. I fully believed him. It wasn’t 5 months later I met my current husband, who was 21 at the time and smokin hot. (granted, come to find out later he has ended up being a super sh*tty husband) but the amount of men that were knocking on my door was ASTOUNDING. I dated around before I met my husband and I surely didn’t have any problem whatsoever finding men to go to dinner with, watch movies, go to the gym, etc. I went on quite a few dates, spent a lot of time on the phone and texting with numerous men. I couldn’t keep them straight. I’m not bragging, I’m literally saying I was flabbergasted by the amount of men interested in my own “damaged goods”. Don’t sell yourself short.


Yay you! I like this!


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

Hellomynameis said:


> I totally feel this way as well. Not only did I fail at marriage, I'm an almost 50'year old physically disabled single mother with a learning disabled, emotionally messed up teenager. It took me 13 years to get up the nerve to divorce AFTER he had abandoned me, and I haven't had sex in a decade. What man would take a chance with someone like me?
> 
> The only man who has shown any interest in me at all is my ex-BF from high school who is 50 years old, never married, and still lives with his mother. Even he lost interest after I told him about my son. Didn't do wonders for my outlook on future dating prospects.


This is hard to hear, for sure. What are your future plans? How do you plan on turning this around? You must have a plan. A five year plan. 

Are you going to keep your son with you forever, or turn him over the state agencies? Not abandoning him, but separating from him? You too have a life.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

prunus said:


> I finally left in the early fall. I never thought of myself as damaged goods until about a month or so ago. It's the reason I refuse to date anyone. I wouldn't wish myself on any man right now.


you are not damaged goods!

do something for yourself that you like to do.

You have wonderful qualities. If you keep feeling like this, time to see a counselor.

Good luck to you.


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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

ulyssesheart said:


> This is hard to hear, for sure. What are your future plans? How do you plan on turning this around? You must have a plan. A five year plan.
> 
> Are you going to keep your son with you forever, or turn him over the state agencies? Not abandoning him, but separating from him? You too have a life.


No future plans. With my health issues, I'm just grateful to be alive from one day to the next. My condition is what my doctors have referred to as long term terminal - I'm probably not going to die from it in the next year but I probably won't see my 60th birthday either. My condition is not repairable/reversible. Which is why I doubt I will ever have another LTR. Doesn't mean I wouldn't mind dating again.

My son's issues are not the type that he will require care. He is actually a MENSA level genius and pretty much a savant with computers. He intends to be a programmer or a codebreaker someday and as long as he keeps his grades up he's already been offered a free ride to MIT. What he really wants is to go in the Navy but it is doubtful they will accept him. He may very well end up living at home permanently though as his condition limits his ability to form emotional connections to other people so it is doubtful that he will ever marry.


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

harrybrown said:


> you are not damaged goods!
> 
> do something for yourself that you like to do.
> 
> ...


I have already made an appointment for therapy.

Overall, I'm in a much better place than a few months ago. But, the past few days I've been kind of down. 

I need to get my act together! I need to be in a better place, both physically and emotionally. Time to start hitting the gym and eating better. I am lacking motivation right now.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I'm a man, Pixel. To be honest, I'd look at a woman like you and think, "Oh good! A woman who will not mind my own shortcomings. Because of her her awful ex-husband, her expectations will be lower, and she'll appreciate a decent guy all the more. Full steam ahead!"


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Pixel said:


> Part of my fear of leaving my husband is the fear of being seen as damaged goods or even maybe as a failure. Like any new man I meet will look at me and be like oh you couldn't keep your husband happy- you must be a prude or frigid or something. Why would I want his sloppy seconds.


Nowadays the majority of people you're going to meet have been divorced. When I was dating and met a divorced woman I liked I naturally thought the divorce was her ex's fault and his loss is my gain. Not saying I was correct of course it's just a sort of natural reflexive response and makes things so much smoother just to blame the ex for all the problems. Until of course you realize it wasn't the ex...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Pixel said:


> Happy Friday.
> 
> Something else that's crossed my mind and I wanted to hear other people's takes and experiences with it.
> 
> ...


I am 59 and since my early 20s I dated six women, including my wife, all of whom were divorced or who had left long term relationships. Or been abandoned.

And I *never* once thought "she is damaged goods."

I did, however, question the wisdom of their husbands/boyfriends for letting them go out of their lives! :smthumbup:

But the story of my first long term girlfriend who had been subject to terrible violence by her ex-husband really upset me, because there was nothing I could do to put it right. It impacted on our relationship, as if I touched her unexpectedly she could lash out and hit me.

As for "sloppy seconds?" The idea never entered my mind. 

"She may have previously been in a relationship, but she is mine now!" was probably my thinking.

Really, I doubt you have anything to worry about.

There's an old saying: "Boys marry virgins, men marry women."


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hellomynameis said:


> No future plans. With my health issues, I'm just grateful to be alive from one day to the next. My condition is what my doctors have referred to as long term terminal - I'm probably not going to die from it in the next year but I probably won't see my 60th birthday either. My condition is not repairable/reversible. Which is why I doubt I will ever have another LTR. Doesn't mean I wouldn't mind dating again.
> 
> My son's issues are not the type that he will require care. He is actually a MENSA level genius and pretty much a savant with computers. He intends to be a programmer or a codebreaker someday and as long as he keeps his grades up he's already been offered a free ride to MIT. What he really wants is to go in the Navy but it is doubtful they will accept him. He may very well end up living at home permanently though as his condition limits his ability to form emotional connections to other people so it is doubtful that he will ever marry.


That's what was said about my wife. 

But she married twice (she was widowed at an early age) and does OK for herself.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Hellomynameis said:


> No future plans. With my health issues, I'm just grateful to be alive from one day to the next. My condition is what my doctors have referred to as long term terminal - I'm probably not going to die from it in the next year but I probably won't see my 60th birthday either. My condition is not repairable/reversible. Which is why I doubt I will ever have another LTR. Doesn't mean I wouldn't mind dating again.
> 
> My son's issues are not the type that he will require care. He is actually a MENSA level genius and pretty much a savant with computers. He intends to be a programmer or a codebreaker someday and as long as he keeps his grades up he's already been offered a free ride to MIT. What he really wants is to go in the Navy but it is doubtful they will accept him. He may very well end up living at home permanently though as his condition limits his ability to form emotional connections to other people so it is doubtful that he will ever marry.


The military might like to have him on board--he would possibly do well in intelligence work. He may surprise you.

Don't let your illness rule out happiness in a LTR. You could still have a lot of years with someone, and you never know what medical advances will happen between now and that day in the future.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*No! I know that I am not damaged goods!

What it is that I really fear the most is that I might actually come to meet the right woman, the nicest, most loving and sincere woman in the world, who will, like the two former Ms. Arbs, only get close enough to me to later use me, and then will brazenly cast me aside for far greener pastures!

I know all too well that it's purely an issue of trust with me!*


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@Pixel, listen to all of these people who understand exactly what you feel. I am among them as well and I agree with all of the advice so I won't rehash it when it has been articulated so perfectly already. 

What I will add, however, is that the longer you stay in a toxic or intolerable relationship, the harder it will be to heal and the harder it will be for your mind to accept that you can be so valuable and that you do have so much to offer to the world. The faster and more efficiently (and unhindered by stress /depression) your ability to heal is, the better and stronger YOU will be for those next challenges and those future, healthier relationships in life.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Not at all. I stuck around for awhile. Eventually it dawned on me that the spark was gone and not coming back. I would have rather been alone than with someone I couldn't be sure was just blowing smoke until the next time. Why put yourself through the same misery when the odds are much better with your next love.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Satya said:


> @Pixel, listen to all of these people who understand exactly what you feel. I am among them as well and I agree with all of the advice so I won't rehash it when it has been articulated so perfectly already.
> 
> What I will add, however, is that the longer you stay in a toxic or intolerable relationship, the harder it will be to heal and the harder it will be for your mind to accept that you can be so valuable and that you do have so much to offer to the world. The faster and more efficiently (and unhindered by stress /depression) your ability to heal is, the better and stronger YOU will be for those next challenges and those future, healthier relationships in life.


Agreed. It took me a lot longer to bounce back from my failed marriage than it would have if I had ended it earlier. And I was only married for ~6 yrs. I see people on here who were married to someone like my XH for decades, and it is much more difficult for them to heal and move on. The longer you stay, the more damage he will do.


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## TXDude (Jun 3, 2016)

Yes, I didn't want to seem as a failure, that I failed my marriage. However I realized that it was not my fault. I would be interested in a divorced female, just saying. LOL IMO being divorced is not going to hurt you out in the dating world. Just don't talk about your ex when you are on a date, that would be a turn off.


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