# Do I deserve a second chance?



## Yellowbird (Dec 5, 2013)

Hi everyone,

After hurting a person who is my soulmate, the love of my life, do you think I do deserve a chance?

I am 29 now. For more than four years I have been with a woman who is the love of my life. I simply adore her.
It was hard for us because we lived in different countries. We did suffer but we were happy to have each other's. Finally we moved to a same place and had minor difficulties but in general we were perfect. 
We were planning our marriage, children and future. I know that she loved me so much, I was her world and I am sure of this.
At one point I found out that I have benign tumor and because of all that we suffer to be together, my job that requires an excellent health I was so afraid. I didn't tell her, I didn't want her to know, but I tried to fight it on my own. I even kept it as a secret from my family and friends. At that time I told her many things that I didn't mean and from inside it was bothering and torturing me but I kept it inside and had darkest thoughts. She asked me if we are on the same page and I replied yes but inside me was huge fear and I didn't think with my mind, I was not the person she loved by my behavior.
One day after argue I left her house and didn't come back. She sent emails and SMS, she even came to me, but I can't explain why I didn't talk to her except exchanging a few words. I was so afraid to tell her.
After almost five months I realized that I might lose everything and the time lost might be spent as the best time of our life. I loved her and I know she loved me, I decided to go to her.
I regret for my way and for what I did, I do from my heart. I am shame and feel sorry every single second for it and would like to have a chance to prove it and regain my trust by actions.
I talked to her and she came back, we wanted to make our plan but within few days she has changed her mind. She told me that I hurt her and broke her wings when she was the most happy. That it was shock that she has never expected and there is still love to me but she lost her feelings. 
I believe she is my true love and she told me that I am the love of her life,but I hurt her so much.
Do you think I deserve a chance to make things right and show her that I will be there as I always was before, that I will make it up for every single second and that I do regret for my mistake and wrong way I took?


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

...blink...0_0
So did you tell her you have had cancer? 
I think you are making a mountain of a molehill.


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## Yellowbird (Dec 5, 2013)

I told her yes. Initially I went back, I was maybe putting too much pressure on here trying to make up in a days for months passed. I sent her flowers to her work, I went on my knees before her and I couldn't hold my tears.
I still have it and I have to take some space to go over this. I can't afford to lose my health and I am deeply sorry because I didn't share it with her earlier.
Now it is hard as her emotions towards me are ruined. She doesn't see me or understand me, but I don't blame her. I do blame myself and learned a lesson of my life. If I could chose between getting a chance with her or this illness I would chose her.


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## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

She sounds like she is hurt because of the deception, and you pulled away from her. You couldn't let her support you through this when she might have been readily available for support. 
Perhaps she wonders if something were to happen in the future how you would react.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

> Do I deserve a second chance?


Look at what you wrote. You had a benign tumor that you didn't tell her about. You withheld an important piece of information from the "love of your life". You also wrote that you "don't know WHY you didn't tell her". 

The two of you had an argument and you left the house. She tried to find out what was going on, and you basically ignored her. For 5 *MONTHS*. And once again, you said that you "don't know WHY you did that". You kept her at a distance, and suddenly--out of the blue--you 'realized' that you COULD lose this woman. 

After knowing that you kept an important piece of information from me, said some things that you 'didn't mean', left my house after an argument and stayed away for 5 MONTHS with very little communication after *I* was trying to get to the bottom of what was going on, I would have given up on *us*. I would have seen you as someone who is definitely NOT ready for a mature relationship. I would be VERY concerned that you did/said these things and that you "don't know WHY". That means that there's a strong likelihood that you could do this again in the future. I wouldn't want to take that chance. 

So, do you "deserve" a second chance? In *my* eyes, no. 

Vega

Something tells me there's more to this story...

Vega


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Yellowbird said:


> Do you think I deserve a chance to make things right and show her that I will be there as I always was before, that I will make it up for every single second and that I do regret for my mistake and wrong way I took?


It doesn't matter if you deserve a chance or not. What matters is how your girlfriend currently feels about you. It always comes down to feelings. If she still has them, she can justify coming back to you. If she no longer has them, she can justify not coming back.


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## Yellowbird (Dec 5, 2013)

Vega thank you!

Yes there is, much more. Being together married was our dream and specially her dream, but this dream relies on my job and I need perfect health. I was completely mistaken at that time and instead of closing and isolating I should have been open and share it with her. She would understand, just in my had I have thought all bad things and run from reality, when I realized, I have lost what was so precious and best I ever had.


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## Yellowbird (Dec 5, 2013)

Thanks everyone, this talk really helps. I was alone in my decisions all my life and always pulled out and won the best I could from it. Then I got this amazing person and she loved me so much, but this time I was so wrong. 
People should talk and take advices, it's how they can make better decisions.


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## Haru2013 (Oct 23, 2013)

Yellowbird said:


> Thanks everyone, this talk really helps. I was alone in my decisions all my life and always pulled out and won the best I could from it. Then I got this amazing person and she loved me so much, but this time I was so wrong.
> People should talk and take advices, it's how they can make better decisions.


Talk is most important asset in the relationship, either married or non-married couples that keeps happy, productive and healthy. In that respect, you seemed to fail to accomplish it. 

That said, it appears to me that your girlfriend upset you over non-talk relationship. If you did talk to her in regard to you health issue, she migh have surprised at first, but she also gave you a good support which you needed desperately. 

As to whether you deserve second chance, give it a try if you've learned from this mistake. Otherwise, you'd better to wait until you get more stable mind to pursue the relationship, because your hesitation, non-talk implys 'insecurity' you have inside you, rather 'macho' feelings you want to exhibit. Also, ask her as a causual friend, rather 'girlfriend' if she'd accept it.


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## sparzokm (Dec 5, 2013)

I think you are making a mountain of a molehill.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

What job requires perfect health? Because perfect health is nothing but a transitory state.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I don't really think it matter what we all think here as far as you deserving a second chance or not. Who determines this is your girlfriend. My concern in this is that you had something very serious, a tumor, yet you could not share this? Why? If two people are going to share their lives sharing important events and details of their lives is important for the growth of the relationship. Based on the the lack of ability to share such an important part of your life I would be skeptical to go back into the relationship if I were your girlfriend.


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

Honestly, it doesn't matter what we think - what she thinks is important...
If she thinks you deserve a second chance - you will have your second chance...

IMO, not telling her about your health problem just indicates that there are some trust issues between you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AVR1962 said:


> I don't really think it matter what we all think here as far as you deserving a second chance or not. Who determines this is your girlfriend. My concern in this is that you had something very serious, a tumor, yet you could not share this? Why?


:iagree:


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

I'm surprised she even talked to you after you blew her off for five months. You say this woman was the love of your life, yet you treat her like crap. 

My vote is no for the second chance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

Several thoughts here. No. You don't "deserve" a second chance. If you get a second chance it is because she is gracious and grants you one. You deserve what your are getting.

Second, she may have loved you then but your actions showed her a side of you that she does not admire at all. First you showed her that you lie. So she cannot trust you. Second, you showed her that when you get upset you run off and act childish and selfish. 

She may have loved you.....but decided your behavior is not something she is looking for in a husband. It will take you a long time to rebuild trust and prove that you are not going to be a liar who runs off and pouts for months when you get upset.


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## whathappenedtome (Nov 4, 2013)

I have a different perspective. A few years ago, I was diagnosed with melanoma. I had a spot that was suspicious, and I kept saying I should go check it out. I kept putting it off, saying I will go later. In the mean time, I started fearing the consequences, thinking I had waited too long. I started hiding that part of me from my wife. I knew there was a problem, but refused to bring it up to her. 

I was living life in constant fear that death was right around the corner. My coping mechanism was to hide and ignore it.

Eventually the fear became so debilitating, I broke down. I sobbed as I explained my fears to her. She asked me how long I had been worried. I said years. 

The reason, the fear was debilitating, and resulted in irrational decisions.

Fortunately, I am completely cured, it did not spread anywhere within my body. But I completely understand what you went through. Should I have told her earlier? Absolutely. Was it much easier after I told her. Without a doubt. Do I understand why someone would not want to share something like that? Unfortunately yes. 

I would recommend that anyone going through something similar, share it with our SO. It makes life so much easier. I know because I didn't for a long time.


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## Yellowbird (Dec 5, 2013)

I am aware of a huge mistake that I did. I do care about her and love her so much. Few year ago she was in a crisis, we didn't see each other's for four months and even she didn't talk to me. I was just waiting for her because I love her and believe she is my soulmate. I am not justifying what I did, but I know myself the best and I learned a big lesson.


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## Haru2013 (Oct 23, 2013)

Yellowbird said:


> I am aware of a huge mistake that I did. I do care about her and love her so much. Few year ago she was in a crisis, we didn't see each other's for four months and even she didn't talk to me. I was just waiting for her because I love her and believe she is my soulmate. I am not justifying what I did, but I know myself the best and I learned a big lesson.


Sounds more likely 'compatibility' issue where you thought what your were doing was nothing wrong, but she upset about your action not tell her the truth. It's a different view between you and her. 

The most important and critical aspect in the relationship is 'compatibility,' i.e. even the husband is lazy plus affair, but the wife could forgive him to make the relationship work out, an amicable solution between them. Unfortunately, herr view is different from yours.

You keep saying 'love her so much,' however since you and she has different value in the relationship, how could make things work out, not the present, but in the future in the case of the marriage? You said you're age 29, but how many relationships you had prior to this, her? Sounds like she is a very first, serious girlfriend, as reading your posts, above. 

You need to think about it with more mature mind and realistically. Further, if you could, I would suggest some counselling to find/see more clear picture.


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## Yellowbird (Dec 5, 2013)

This one was true and honest. It was valuable and right one and she is the right one, if there is one person with whom I can spend days and nights, and would like to spend my whole life with it is her. She makes me happy and helps when I am sad and it was mutual until this happened. I thought my world was exploding and didn't react right. It is my biggest mistake.


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## Haru2013 (Oct 23, 2013)

Yellowbird said:


> This one was true and honest. It was valuable and right one and she is the right one, if there is one person with whom I can spend days and nights, and would like to spend my whole life with it is her. She makes me happy and helps when I am sad and it was mutual until this happened. I thought my world was exploding and didn't react right. It is my biggest mistake.


Sorry for your feeling that way. Most of time, a VERY first and serious love is very hard to get rid of even though your brain tells you not to think about it further on which most of us, humans go/went through any time during the years when we are in love with someone. That's no any difference young and old, men and women, because loving or being loved is extremely high-pitched feelings. 

One thing I would suggest is that you might benefit by seeking some counselling specialized relationship or similar dept., because this site is mostly 'based on personal experiences' or 'personal views.' As you see, most of folks on this site have fair and sensible views, but when madly love in someone, like you, there needs more help. On the Professional advice/help, you could gain the reasonal and un-bias opinion and advice.


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