# can anyone help??



## burtonlove (Nov 17, 2012)

Okay, this is long. My husband and I have been seperated for a month on Monday. We have been together five years only married for about a year and a half. We have four kids and i am 20 weeks pregnant with our fifth. We have had plenty of problems there is a lot of history in not a long time. It all went really bad just before we seperated. He decided he was going to plan an out of town trip with a "friend" from work for his birthday. Of course I was not invited. I agreed to it but i did not trust the situation. I gave him 300$ the night he was supposed to leave. After he left I hacked his phone on the internet, yes i know, invasion of privacy and so on, but i did it. He had text messages to a new #, saying it was another girl. So i figure this other girl was with him texting this other girl who was actually her sister. From the text messages it looked like they were both going out of town with my husband and the guy who was supposed to be the only one with him was never contacted or mentioned. I called him and it turned into a huge fight of course. I asked him if he was cheating on me and he got very mad and of course yelled at me said he was pissed at me and accused me of cheating on him. He never actually left for his trip after that. He came back to the town we both live in and went to a friends house. I said we needed a couple days of space because everything was too heated at the moment. He blew all of the money he had. He stayed gone for five days we talked off and on and i told him i just didn't believe the stories he was giving me about the whole situation. on the fifth day i texted him and told him we could talk after work. when i met with him i asked him if he was going to tell me the truth. he just kept saying theres nothing to tell he didn't do anything wrong i was overreacting and i can't ever just trust him. I said okay, if its all true take a lie detector test, they do them in town i will pay for it and if it comes out that you didnt lie about anything i will take full responsibility for overreacting and this last week of hell we have been going through. of course he after quite a lot of time, admits that no it wont be fine. but its still not what i had thought. i told him i didn't understand. he finally over the next few hours comes clean that his friend was never going and that the girls on his phone were actually setting him up to spend the weekend with someone else who used to work at the same place, a man. he says the only reason he didn't go even though we were fighting is because the other guy never showed up, its not the first time its happened either. he has been doing this since about a year after we were together. he says nothing physical has happened yet but admitted that he is actively seeking it out and he doesn't know if he will ever stop. i spent the next six or so days in my bedroom floor, not moving, in shock i think. he says he loves me and hes happy with our sex life so on. i dont know how to process so much. he has never been with a man but he did go through very traumatizing physical, sexual, and emotional abuse for years of his childhood. no one knew about any of it until around the time we got together, i know a lot about it, his stepmother knows something happened but not really the extent of it all i think. he told me he wants a divorce because he doesn't think i will ever forgive him even though we have been through similar things two or three times already. I think its a cop out and he is afraid to face these issues he has from what happened when he was a kid. i tried to get him to go to counseling and he says they will just want to put him on medication or lock him up in a nut bin. i dont know how to get through to him. i dont want a divorce and i know that it wont fix anything for him because he hasn't faced his issues and they will just keep coming back and messing up his life. he has self medicated for years with pills and pot because of what happened. he says me and the kids are better off without him and he is helping us all by leaving and not coming back. i dont know how to get through to him how much we love and need him. i know he has problems and i accept that but its like he just cant believe that there is somebody who wouldnt abandon him. I think if he could just go to counseling and try to confront his problems it could get better, i dont want a divorce and i dont want him to leave but i dont know how to get him to really hear anything. i dont know how to even get him to try. there is so much more there always is but if anyone has any helpful input i would appreciate it. im just brokenhearted and i want to hang on to my husband, im afraid of what he will do alone.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Have you always been a rescuer?


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## burtonlove (Nov 17, 2012)

Pretty much. Probably from growing up with my mom and her boyfriends cooking drugs going to prison so on. I had a brother to take care of sister left and my mom always needed rescued from something.
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## burtonlove (Nov 17, 2012)

Still does actually
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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

burtonlove said:


> Still does actually
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You should take a look at this.

An Overview of the Drama Triangle


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## burtonlove (Nov 17, 2012)

There are valid points but grosse over-generalizations at the same time. Im not sure how to apply that to help me save my marriage either. Good info to reflect on but i dont see how it could improve the situation between my husband and i and what we are trying to deal with right now.
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