# What can we do to give you the space you need



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Found this story fascinating, and a bit inspirational.

It could have easily cratered spectacularly. But I thought it was a great acknowledgement that despite some ugly adversity, you don't have to be at each others throat, or use the nuclear option.

The last word: He said he was leaving. She ignored him. - The Week


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Cool story, bro. That's great they worked it out. But it takes two. Had he truly wanted to end it, he would have. And when one person truly wants out, that's it. Game over. 

Still, I love when the story ends well.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Is it wrong that I read the title of your post and thought a high limit credit card and 4 hours at Nordstroms? About the article, it is often said that women know their men better than the men know themselves. This woman knew her man.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I read this story a couple of years ago. I found it really interesting how she handle the situation but felt there was more to the story (his side). I wonder how they doing 4 years later. Did they rugsweep or go to counseling? Did she eventually become resentful or let it go?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

It sounds to me like he had an affair which ran its course then came back to her. Of course what do I know. But his statements sound like classic cheater quotes I've read here in the CWI section.

She sounds like a pushover. She even says she would endure physical abuse. Interesting.

I'm so glad my husband and I aren't writers or reporters. I wouldn't want such highly personal info on the internet!


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> It sounds to me like he had an affair which ran its course then came back to her. Of course what do I know. But his statements sound like classic cheater quotes I've read here in the CWI section.*
> 
> She sounds like a pushover. She even says she would endure physical abuse. Interesting.*
> 
> I'm so glad my husband and I aren't writers or reporters. I wouldn't want such highly personal info on the internet!


She specific said she would NOT put up with physical abuse.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I got teary eyed reading the end of this.....how difficult this had to have been on her to handle and continue to walk in love while he was out doing *his thing*.....she was so very strong...in keeping it all in...and her distance...not buying into it, questioning , reaching for assurance...seemingly understanding he had his own issues to wade through...I like the boundary of time she used though...without that , I don't think it could be Do-able. 



> Privately, I decided to give him time. Six months.
> 
> I had good days and I had bad days. On the good days, I took the high road. I ignored his lashing out, his merciless jabs. On bad days, I would fester in the August sun while the kids ran through sprinklers, raging at him in my mind. But I never wavered. Although it may sound ridiculous to say, “Don’t take it personally” when your husband tells you he no longer loves you, sometimes that’s exactly what you have to do.
> 
> ...


 a great article from a completely different perspective...too often those words do come up in Mid Life...... If I was faced with this, I don't believe I would be able to emotionally handle that sort of calmness -with distance.... she almost sounded cold/ robot-ish in the beginning of the article to me......without attempting to get him to open up.....I'd want him to let me in, for us to talk about it.... seems she took the right course with this one...



> And I saw what had been missing: pride. He’d lost pride in himself. Maybe that’s what happens when our egos take a hit in midlife and we realize we’re not as young and golden anymore.


 and how common this probably is...

Our story was the opposite.... we got closer... thankfully it's what we both wanted, a re-discovery. Hate getting older though.... I worry about health issues looming...seems the kids are growing too fast too.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

committed4ever said:


> She specific said she would NOT put up with physical abuse.


You're right. She says she seems like she would endure abuse but she feels she wouldn't. Her rationale is because she had a pitocin induced labor and a c-section (I've done both), she can put up with a lot. Those two don't really mean great endurance. 

Regardless of the physical abuse aspect, she put up with emotional abuse of sorts and gave him basically six months to have his fun (do his own thing away from the home, come in late, ignore her, forget her birthday, be grouchy to the family). I think it was probably him having fun with another woman. It was almost like she was trying to nice him out of an affair. 

But that's just my two cents..


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> Regardless of the physical abuse aspect, she put up with emotional abuse of sorts and gave him basically six months to have his fun (do his own thing away from the home, come in late, ignore her, forget her birthday, be grouchy to the family). I think it was probably him having fun with another woman. It was almost like she was trying to nice him out of an affair.
> 
> But that's just my two cents..


yh I remember it reading this article awhile ago thinking the same thing.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Typical drive by poster.......doesn't even participate in his own thread.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Come on. He was so obviously cheating.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Re: Re: What can we do to give you the space you need*



Therealbrighteyes said:


> Typical drive by poster.......doesn't even participate in his own thread.


Thought about it in the context of my own circumstances when I kept wondering why my ex wouldnt fight to save our marriage.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Thought about it in the context of my own circumstances when I kept wondering why my ex wouldnt fight to save our marriage.


Oh I was completely joking around. Take your time, it's your post. So to the article and your ex, did you think that her lack of "fighting" meant she didn't want the marriage?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I'm not convinced. On one hand, I understand the view around her actions where she continued to have a great summer and he could participate or not with the family - and that's a good thing.

On the other hand, while her husband's approach was trying to shift responsibility onto her, there also doesn't seem to be consideration to the part she may have played in their dynamic to that point. If he's saying he didn't ever love her and she responded I don't buy that, well yes, she's taking it on the chin and carrying on and maybe he didn't deserve that from her and maybe she didn't deserve that either. I can't help feeling maybe it was convenient for her to continue on, feeling she was giving him the space he needed, so that she didn't need to scratch beneath the surface.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

And then I ran out of hands.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm going with he was having some type of affair and came back when he found out the grass wasn't greener on the other side. Followed almost every cheater story I've ever read on here.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Actually I tend to side with her assessment of her husband. 

But for the sake of argument let’s assume she knew it was an affair, were her actions so uncalled for? I don’t think so. Her actions were that of giving him a choice. I am continuing with my life and you can join it with us or not. She was going to give him six months but what she would have done after that we don’t know. This isn’t niceing him out of an affair. It’s an emotionally detached ultimatum. If she would have followed through and then left because he didn’t choose her what would have been wrong with that? He stayed; they reconciled what is wrong with that? I think that her actions were reasonable even assuming there was an affair she knew about. Perhaps she didn’t want to write about her evidence or perhaps she was entirely rug sweeping we don’t really know. Remember she is writing publically not pseudo anonymously via a forum. Ultimatum advice followed by some sort of 180 is common advice here and I see that as being consistent with TAM folklore. So it’s not even out of ordinary for TAM. Now suppose she was in fact rug sweeping. The problem will then likely have recurred since rug sweeping ignores the problem. Soccormom2three’s comment is highly relevant; “Did she eventually become resentful or let it go?” This is the question.

I think that her point of her husband losing his pride should be taken more seriously. If someone becomes so unhappy that don’t believe in themselves then it will start to bring down many other things that they are involved in including the marriage. This was one of the points I tried to make with my story but did a lousy job doing. I found myself in such a bad place with life and work that it also hurt my marriage. I didn’t go about it in the same way as her husband did. I never told my wife I didn’t love her and I was leaving but I almost did, it was that bad. There was no affair, there were no other woman. There was only me in my bad place complicated by a lack of communication with my wife. She gave me space and it was helpful to me. It allowed us to recover our marriage. Giving space is a legitimate tool to help with a marriage though I do recognize there are times when it will be ineffective and the wrong tool use.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Thought about it in the context of my own circumstances when I kept wondering why my ex wouldnt fight to save our marriage.


Yes, explain how this relates and what your conclusions are.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Did some more research. So ... her essay that originally appeared in the NY Times, was very well received. That article is what was reprinted in the link.

Apparently she parlayed the essay into a book called: This Is Not The Story You Think It Is...: A Season of Unlikely Happiness: Laura Munson, Joyce Bean: Amazon.com: Books

which was less well received.

Apparently the book paints her in a less flattering light, (out of touch, self-indulgent and financially irresponsible) to the point of one reviewer rooting for the husband leaving her.

No indications of an affair. honestly don't think it would have mattered to her. The 'event' surrounded the loss of his job and loss of income. For a substantial portion of the time he was away, apparently he lived with his sister, whose husband had recently walked out on her, and she subsequently discovered she had cancer, with 5 young children.

Apparently those events lent him some perspective, and he re-engaged with his family. Thats the story anyway. His sister subsequently passed away.

Seemingly, they are still together, and she is still writing. Her name is Laura Munson.


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