# i know others are worse off than I am but....**long**



## boringwife (Jun 29, 2014)

I'm new here. I thought I would give this a try. I really dont have anyone to talk to. I dont want to tell my family that my husband and I cant get along because I dont want them to worry. We have a beautiful 8 1/2 month old daughter.

Anyways, here's us in a nutshell.....
We've been boyfriend and girlfriend for 16 years. We've lived together since forever. All of our years together we've had our ups and downs. We've been through hell and back. And actually....if its just us....we do get along sometimes. We like a lot of the same stuff. I got pregnant last year and then we got married just so I could have insurance.

My husband in a nutshell is and always has been a taurus the bullhead selfish person. He doesnt take my feelings into consideration. Anything and everything has to be written down for him because he doesnt listen to anything I say. Weather its something important or useless rambling. He also thinks he's better than everyone else.

Me...I've always been independent. But, I've turned into a controlling witch. I've always been easy going and go with the flow kind of person. I still am to a certain extent. I dont like being a controlling witch. I've turned into a crazy person. I'm kind of controlling when it comes to taking care of our daughter. Mainly because I'm the one taking care of her all the time during the day. I work part time in retail. 4 hours at night. 2-3 days a week and sometimes a 2-6 shift on Saturdays. So, when I need my husband to take over daddy duty he has to do it. Even on the weekends. But, when I do have weekends off and I need him to keep an eye on our daughter for even 10 or 15 minutes....my husband gives me some kind of excuse that he's busy. So, I end up putting either putting our daughter in her walker or her pack n play. Then i go and do what i gotta do. Or, on the weekends if I need to go out and run some errands for maybe an 1 hour or hour an half....I either cant do it because he needs to mow the lawn or work on his car...just some kind of excuse. So, sometimes i end up taking our daughter with me. I try to leave her at home with daddy when I 
can because it's a big hassle putting her in and taking her out of the car seat a million times. Especially in the hot weather. He works full time and provides for us. And he has weekends off. The weekends is the only time he can get stuff done around the house. Which I can understand that he has crap to do. But, like i said...asking him for a favor is just a waste of breath because he can't do it. Everything is always about him.

We have a two story house. Our bedroom is upstairs and we have three spare rooms on the main level. One of those rooms is the baby's room. Another room is a guest room. And the other is our "catch all" room. I've been sleeping in the guest room for quite some time. Because even though I have the audio baby monitor and our daughter is a good sleeper. Occasionally she'll cry for her binky. So, it's just easier for me to get up and walk across to put her binky in her mouth. So, I haven't slept with my husband in our bedroom these past 8 months. I however plan on transitioning myself to our bedroom in the sometime near future. (pretty soon)

Basically, our personalities have spiraled down hill since we've became parents. My husband doesnt respect me anymore. He's always yelling at me with such profanity. Constantly cursing at me and calling me horrible names. Especially when i dont even curse at him in anger. But, sometimes he brings the curse words out of me. We can't communicate to each other in a civil manner. He's very disrespectful to me. I keep telling him that if he shows me some respect then I'll do the same. He always makes me feel like everything is my fault. Then i start to feel like crap or guilty or some kind of negative emotion. At that point i threaten him with divorce or maybe I'll go kill myself and he wont have to deal with me. 

We also havent been intimate in 3 months. Mainly because I'm busy with the baby. And sometimes when she goes down for her nap....i take one too. I'm always tired. Just recently he wanted a quicky. But, i told him no because I was tired and it's to damn hot in our house. (we dont have AC). He got mad and read way to much into me saying no. He started bringing up negative emotions and turning it into an argument. (oh yea...that's another thing about him....he reads way to much into things. In a way....he's kind of a over thinker.) I havent really been in the mood to be intimate mainly because i'm always tired and i want to nap when our baby naps. again, it's my fault and I feel guilty for with holding sex from him. But, also again...he doesnt understand that im tired. 

Anyways....i think i've vented enough. Some of you might sympathize with my husband and some of you might sympathize with me. Either way....its fine. Any advice would be appreciated. I just dont know how to deal with my husband anymore. Most of the time i feel like just running away or leaving him because i cant take the way he talks down to me.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

You may want to get your hormones checked, sounds like you might have a bit of post partum depression. Try taking some omega 3, that might help.

Move the baby into your master bedroom, this way you can sleep in your own bed with your husband and still have baby close by. This will make it more convenient to have sex with hubby too.

It is easier to leave baby home with hubby while you run errands, but if it is causing problems, just take her with you and don't even ask him. If you ease up on what you ask of him, maybe some of the conflict with diminish?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this, but it looks like stuff that can be fixed if you work on it.
You are the one who is here complaining so you are the one who is going to have to change your behavior. You cannot make your husband change, but if you change how you interact with him, he will have to change. It’s up to him how he changes. Hopefully it will be positive changes

Working opposite shifts is very hard on marriages. You two hardly see each other. The kind of animosity you have towards each other is pretty much expected under the circumstances. You would do better by getting a job that aligns with your husband’s work hours. You child would be better off in day care a few hours a week then being taken care of exclusively in a very unhappy home with fighting.

There are also home businesses you can do. For example home day care. You might make as much as you do taking care of a couple of children near your daughter’s age. That way she would have some friends and get some socialization as well.

If you stick with the hours you are working right now, you need to stop doing things like going to the store when your husband is at home. That’s time that the two of you should be spending time together. Go shopping during the time when you are alone at home with your child.

I used to hire a high school girl to take care of my son when we were at home so that my husband and I had time with each other. You might want to consider that.

A couple needs to spend a minimum of 15 hours a week together, just the two of you doing date-like things. That means that your daughter goes to bed early every night so that you and your husband have an hour or two together every night. And then you have longer dates on Saturday and Sunday. Not doing this is another things that leads to what you have right now… an angry , unloving marriage. 


boringwife said:


> At that point i threaten him with divorce or maybe I'll go kill myself and he wont have to deal with me.


This is bad. Both of these things are a form of emotional abuse. Threatening divorce is just wrong. Don’t do it ever again. If you are serious about divorce just file for divorce and serve him. Threatening suicide is even worse. Both of these will drive your husband away from you. Who wants to be with someone who is using emotional blackmail?

And be careful because the advice given when a spouse threatens suicide is for your husband to call the police and have you taken in for suicide watch.. .that’s a 72 hour hold. In a divorce you could lose primary custody of your child over this nonsense. Just stop it.
Not sleeping with your husband is also very bad. It’s a profound rejection of him. Why would he feel like doing anything for you and/or with you when you are rejecting him by not sleeping with him and not having sex with him?


boringwife said:


> We also havent been intimate in 3 months. Mainly because I'm busy with the baby. And sometimes when she goes down for her nap....i take one too. I'm always tired. Just recently he wanted a quicky. But, i told him no because I was tired and it's to damn hot in our house. (we dont have AC). He got mad and read way to much into me saying no. He started bringing up negative emotions and turning it into an argument. (oh yea...that's another thing about him....he reads way to much into things. In a way....he's kind of a over thinker.) I havent really been in the mood to be intimate mainly because i'm always tired and i want to nap when our baby naps. again, it's my fault and I feel guilty for with holding sex from him. But, also again...he doesnt understand that im tired.


Your lack of desire to be intimate with your husband is a profound rejection of him. My husband did this to me so I know what it feels like. You may as well be screaming at him daily that he disgusts you and you don’t want anything to do with him. That’s what he’s feeling and it’s a valid feeling on his part.



boringwife said:


> Anyways....i think i've vented enough. Some of you might sympathize with my husband and some of you might sympathize with me. Either way....its fine. Any advice would be appreciated. I just dont know how to deal with my husband anymore. Most of the time i feel like just running away or leaving him because i cant take the way he talks down to me.


Has he started to talk down to you more and more as your sex life became sparser? 

One of you has to make the first move and change. It sounds like he’s no likely to. If you want to save your marriage you are going to need to start by making small changes yourself. And over time you can add more changes. He will most likely come around. 

Marriage counseling would be a good idea.

Some books that would help you are:
“Divorce Busting”
“His Needs, Her Needs”
“Love Busters”


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## boringwife (Jun 29, 2014)

Yes. I did forget to mention that I do have some ppd. Sometimes I feel that this parenting thing is just not for me. I love my daughter very much and she is very beautiful. I love being with her and playing with her. I also sometimes feel that im not cut out to be a wife. Sometimes I try not to ask him for anything. (hence me being independent.) But, on occasion i do ask him for favors and I get "im to busy".

I've tried to tell him that if he changes I'll change. I've told him that he's gotta give a little to get a little. I've told him many things to try and work out our issues and just nothing gets through to him. He's 39 and I'm 36. Going on 37 in october. Both of us are already set in our ways. I've tried to make changes on my end and still....I get nothing from him. I'm always the apologizing and he never does. Because I'm the crazy stupid one and he's better than me and everyone else in this world. My husband has always talked down to me. That's just how he is when we argue. Throughout the years I've tried so many things to fix us and nothing works. At one point in time....prior to the baby.....we were happy. We were enjoying life and each others company. It's just.....having a baby changed me. 

I'm trying my hardest to be a little patient with my husband (yet he has no patience for me.) because I know things will eventually get better. We just need to get over this hump. I'm always the one trying and he makes no effort in trying to make things better. Anything and everything is all on my shoulders and I get nothing from him.

We're always home together but, we hardly have any time to spend quality time with each other. ie...go out to dinner or sit at home watching a movie or something. During the day he's at work. Then on nights that I work he comes home early. So, our work schedules work out. We really cant afford to put our baby in daycare.

We dont have AC in our house. so, it's to hot upstairs. We have a window AC unit in her room to where she'll be comfortable.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I get that you are feeling tired of doing the heavy lifting. But he was like then and you stayed. Then you had a baby with him and got married. You are in this marriage even though you knew exactly what you already living with. You do of course have every right to decide that this is not working and leave. But as long as you are in the marriage you really need to continue to try to fix things.. fixing you (meaning changing you) might be the answer.

Get the books and read them. They have a lot of good ideas. Something that you are doing does not work for you. You need to change your outlook and your approach. That's why I suggested "Divorce Busters" as the first one to read.

How old is your daughter now?

And please see a doctor about your PPD. When we are depressed, the little things that we could brush aside before become mountains that we cannot scale.


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## boringwife (Jun 29, 2014)

I'm sorry, elegirl. I don't understand your metaphor. 

And that's interesting that u r from new mexico. My husband was born in albaquere.

Our daughter is 8 1/2 months old. She's beautiful. We love her. My pregnancy was an accident. But a good one. 

Like I said....I've tried everything to change me to help us to make him happy and I get no effort from him. He shows no effort to change for me. Right now all negative emotions are a mirror image of each other.


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