# Right to ask DW to delete FB friend?



## cruiser (Jul 8, 2011)

Just curious. About 8 years ago my wife's friend from college contacts her by email. He had been to her parents house and found out we were married 5 years before. I guess upset that he didn't know we were married and wasn't invited he emails her saying even though he is now married, and so is she, that he is, and always has been in love with her. They never dated and she said she never felt that way about him.

Now it was awhile ago but I do remember her saying so and so emailed me and said he's in love with me. During this time things weren't the greatest between us. I'm pretty sure that I figured she could handle this without me. She said she emailed him saying they should not be in contact any longer.

Fast forward to 2 months ago. My wife and I are on a whole new level with communication, sex, everything. I had a revelation and want to be a better father and husband. She had checked her email on my laptop and left it open. I got on and was impressed by her organization of her emails, each one had a sub folder by category. Except one had an odd name, so I opened it. In it was an email titled "Farewell". Of course I read it. Basically it was her email to him from 2003 ending communication. However it had comment in it that bothered me, like "I guess I missed out on you" and "I'll never tell DH what was in your emails because that was from your heart". So it ended with her saying that because he kept his contact to her secret from his wife that it was wrong. But that she was here if he ever needed anything.

Now seeing this was tough enough for me even though it took place 8 years ago. I never saw this email. My fault. But buy chance not 2 weeks after I found this I also come to find out she is FB friends with him for a while now, she said it was ok because he was divorced now. I just filed it away but it was bothering me. Why would she think it was ok to friend a guy that was pursuing her while she was married to me? I sat on this info for several weeks, then finally brought it up to her.

I told her how I came to see the email and why it bothered me. She downplayed and said she had no feeling for him and it was a long time ago. She didn't understand how the fact that I never saw this email bothered me. Or the statement " I guess I missed out". She said she was trying to be nice or referencing something else. Now the "I guess I missed out" statement was after 5 years of marriage and 2 kids. So anyway I told her how she never said he was a FB friend of hers and that added to my concerns. So from her " he's divorced now and seeing someone else so it's not a problem".

We talked for a bit and she said " I can unfriend him" and I said ok let's do it now. She was not happy. We did it together while she made a comment about my powerplay or some such. The thing is I don't think anything was going on but she failed to see why this was a problem for me. I guess my question is were my actions appropriate?


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## Daniyah (Jul 10, 2011)

I think your actions were totally appropriate. As a married woman, she should not be in contact with a man who is pursuing her romantically. If they were just platonic old friends catching up that would be a different story. I think there is more to it than you know. It sounds like they both have or had strong feelings for each other. She should have told u everything from the start instead of waiting for you to find out. And the fact that she doesnt see it as a problem is concerning. I think you both need to sit and talk about everything. If the roles were reversed Im sure she would have a problem with it. If you dont feel comfortable with their friendship she needs to know and understand. She also needs to cut all communication with him. I think your actions were completely appropriate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

It's possible that the "I guess I missed out" was her just trying to kind of be nice, and not totally destroy his ego. 

But, even so, I don't think you were really out of line in your request. You didn't demand she give him up, in fact you didn't even ask. She offered. It's kind of like not asking a question if you don't want to know the answer - don't make an offer if you're not willing to do it.


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## cruiser (Jul 8, 2011)

I guess it's also due to the fact that this discovery came only after a few months of my reading here. So that also added to my concern. I am not worried about my wife but more him. She is very strong in her beliefs on marriage and religion. However it is more that this guy had the nerve and she doesn't think it's a big deal because now he's not married. BUT SHE STILL IS, TO ME! And even if I blew it off 8 years ago it really bothers me now.

She has had no contact and did unfriend it was just that she didn't see this as a problem.


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## cruiser (Jul 8, 2011)

I guess it was more the fact the she sent him the " I guess I missed out" without ever showing me. And never showing me his emails to her. There was not a "well I'm happily married now" email that was then shown to me before sending.


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## Mrs.Saucy (Jul 21, 2011)

Your actions were appropriate, hers were not. Facebook can be so tricky for marriages. It has to be open. DH and I know each others passwords for everything. Keeps everything honest.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

"I guess I missed out" sounds too much like "I regret that you got away".

This man had the potential to be a detriment to your marriage, so yes, you were right to have her (though she volunteered) unfriend him.

I was holding my breath while reading, thinking that she was going to say the classic defensive lines:

"Why were you looking at my e-mails?"
"You invaded my privacy"
"We're just friends"
"There's nothing going on"
"It's all in your head"
"Don't you trust me?"
"You're too sensitive"
"You're too controlling"
"There-I unfriended him-I hope you're happy."


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

If it meant nothing, then why didn't she tell you about it?
If it meant nothing, then why was she hanging on to an 8 year old email?
If it meant , why were the two of them FB friends without your knowledge?

Our number one rule is to never do, say, write anything that the other is not supposed to see, hear, or read.
No secrets at all. I look at her FB page, she looks at mine. If she friends someone new, she will usually tell me. If I see it, I ask.
She does the same. We can access each other's email at anytime from anywhere.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

If it meant nothing, then why didn't she tell you about it?
If it meant nothing, then why was she hanging on to an 8 year old email?
If it meant , why were the two of them FB friends without your knowledge?

Our number one rule is to never do, say, write anything that the other is not supposed to see, hear, or read.
No secrets at all. I look at her FB page, she looks at mine. If she friends someone new, she will usually tell me. If I see it, I ask.
She does the same. We can access each other's email at anytime from anywhere.


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