# A female view on a valentine issue.



## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Hi ladies (and the guys that pop in)

Just thought Id bounce this off you. Just had a large cold beer with a male friend. He starts to open up about an issue hes encountered and I, I must admit nearly turned my TAM head on...

Situation - Hes 56, his wife 50. His wife has a female friend aged 30 (she calls her best friend for life) they text and chat by cell every night for 2 hours or so. hes been in her company with his wife and he finds her preety cold and unfriendly. So far no issue really. But my male friend stated he found this strange. He knows its the female on the phone, he has seen some of the texts and they are just "girly chat" but at Christmas the best female friend sent his W a christmas card with to my very best friend love xyz - the card it appears to his wife only and no acknowledgement of him and no mention of her H in the greeting. My friends wife sends one back from her and my friend (hope its clear so far) Now tonight he spills it out that the female friend is sending his wife a Valentine's card...No Idea why he saying this this early, But just sitting there I could see his radar lock on like something out of star trek. I dismiss it as just, forgive the phrase, silly girl stuff. Looking in his eyes I saw he was really rattled by this. I did try to exlain it away as just something and nothing but hes pretty wound up by it although he says he doesnt know why. So simple question to a silly situation(my idea) do you ladies do this, have done it, is it just a female friend thing, or do you think like my friend that a flag of reddish colour is moving up a flag pole. - If any of the guys have input fire away Im just really curious now so I thought ask here where sexes, ages and cultures are wide spread.:scratchhead:


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Yeah my money is on them being in a lesbian affair. 

I seriously love my girl friends, we say "love you babe" etc, hug and hang out together a lot.

I have never talked to any of them on a nightly basis for hours or sent them a V days card.


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## ChiGirl (Jan 20, 2013)

I agree that maybe they are having some kind of an affair.
It's also possible that the friend is having some feelings and is dragging his wife into it- maybe lesbian feelings, or insecurity, co-dependence etc.

I have female friends and over the course of the day I can spend 2 hours talking to them, if there has been some event- family issue, husband issue etc.. not random talk though, who has that kind of time?

Maybe he should ask the wife? 

Although I would have to mention that men have weird friendships also! My husband could hang out with a friend almost daily/have them over at our house etc. "bromance" kind of thing!


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## Layla79 (Feb 6, 2013)

Yeah, I think something is a bit off about that "friendship".
I love my friends dearly, but I would not have any desire to send them a valentine card. Also, when I send them a Christmas card, I send it to their entire family...husband and kids, not just to her.
I think your friend does have a reason to be a little suspicious.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

How long have they known each other?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

It's not the way I am with friends. I wouldn't necessarily be thinking lesbian affair, (but whadda I know?), but I would think there are issues with the marriage that need focus.

A couple of friends and I will exchange "love you...love you too chick" before we hang up the phone or with a hug goodbye before we part. I don't have BFF's or sit and text with them all night though. I wouldn't send them Valentine's Day cards either. I do take them flowers if we meet up - usually if they're cooking for hubs and I or just because I wanted to. My husband also hangs out with their guys from time to time too, or if it's a friend who's single then hubs is often included too. The other weekend, single friend invited us both to her place for dinner. That's how friendships are in our life.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Pault said:


> Hi ladies (and the guys that pop in)
> 
> Just thought Id bounce this off you. Just had a large cold beer with a male friend. He starts to open up about an issue hes encountered and I, I must admit nearly turned my TAM head on...
> 
> Situation - Hes 56, his wife 50. His wife has a female friend aged 30 (she calls her best friend for life) they text and chat by cell every night for 2 hours or so. hes been in her company with his wife and he finds her preety cold and unfriendly. So far no issue really. But my male friend stated he found this strange. He knows its the female on the phone, he has seen some of the texts and they are just "girly chat" but at Christmas the best female friend sent his W a christmas card with to my very best friend love xyz - the card it appears to his wife only and no acknowledgement of him and no mention of her H in the greeting. My friends wife sends one back from her and my friend (hope its clear so far) Now tonight he spills it out that the female friend is sending his wife a Valentine's card...No Idea why he saying this this early, But just sitting there I could see his radar lock on like something out of star trek. I dismiss it as just, forgive the phrase, silly girl stuff. Looking in his eyes I saw he was really rattled by this. I did try to exlain it away as just something and nothing but hes pretty wound up by it although he says he doesnt know why. So simple question to a silly situation(my idea) do you ladies do this, have done it, is it just a female friend thing, or do you think like my friend that a flag of reddish colour is moving up a flag pole. - If any of the guys have input fire away Im just really curious now so I thought ask here where sexes, ages and cultures are wide spread.:scratchhead:


When my best friend was in law school she sent me a Valentines Day card. It was cute and sweet. Girls do send each other things like that, it's normal.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

It could just be this girl's way of expressing her friendship. I've had friends that go about things different than me and I've never suspected they were "into me" or wanted a lesbian lover. Maybe the friend just really loves Valentine's Day and loves sending cards to people. I like to send Valentine's gifts to my nieces and nephews and sometimes my grandpa. Just a fun day to say "I love you" to the people you care about.

Don't jump to conclusions too soon.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

My best friend is female (as am I) AND she's a lesbian. She has sent a Valentine's Day card to me every year for 12 years. She routinely tells me that she loves me and I return the sentiment (it's genuine). 

I am not a lesbian nor am I bisexual. She has never made a pass at me nor indicated that she is attracted to me. So what I am trying to say is that it IS possible that they truly love each other as friends. Your friend should talk to her and get her to open up. If she is talking about him to her friend (and most likely she is) and she has told that friends some not so nice things about him (which is very likely as well) then that may explain why his wife's friend is not so pleasant to him.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I'm wondering because of the age difference if it could be a mother-daughter type relationship? Maybe the woman is venting/asking for advice and the wife is responding. I guess I don't want to go right to an affair.

I do have to add that I've never talked or texted with a girlfriend for hours everyday and I've never given a friend a Valentine's Day card.


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## KeepLoveGrowing (Feb 1, 2013)

My initial thoughts are:

- Valentines card is fairly normal. Signing it "love" whomever, also normal. Every conversation with my best friend ends with "Love you" because I do love her - as a friend and an amazing person, nothing more.

- Not addressing it to the hubby or being cold to him immediately makes me think that the wife says negative crap about him to her. I know if my best friends man is not doing right by her, I am less then kind and accepting of him. Are there some underlying issues that she could be venting to the friend?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Yeah, some send Valentine's to their relatives and such...so it could just be her way of expressing friendship. 

I think because its bothering the husband, is excluding him and the wife appears distant to her husband, sounds like a disconnect is happening and that's where the focus needs up be - not on the Valentine's card and perhaps not even the friend, but the dynamic between the two of them and what's going on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ChiGirl (Jan 20, 2013)

heartsbeating said:


> Yeah, some send Valentine's to their relatives and such...so it could just be her way of expressing friendship.
> 
> I think because its bothering the husband, is excluding him and the wife appears distant to her husband, sounds like a disconnect is happening and that's where the focus needs up be - not on the Valentine's card and perhaps not even the friend, but the dynamic between the two of them and what's going on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I wonder if there is a simple explanation to all of this besides some kind of love triangle?

You never know, maybe the wife never get's anything for Valentines Day and the friend tried to make her feel special?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I think it's odd but I didn't think lesbian affair though. She is spending a lot of time talking to this one person. Does she spend that much time on the husband? I think the amount of time she spends weekly with this other person would concern me.

I don't send friends valentine's day cards. At least not since elementary and junior high school! But that's just me. I know others send platonic valentine's day cards.

I wonder if the coldness he perceived from the friend is because his wife may vent to the friend about the husband. The friend might see the husband in a negative light because the wife may use those long marathon sessions to air things that bother her. So the friend's perception of him might be colored by those things.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Also, maybe she isn't being cold toward the husband. Maybe he just perceives that?

I've been accused of being "stuck up" or "rude" before because I don't always know what to say around certain people. In a new group, I get really quiet and just sit back and watch until I find my place. Then I'm accused of being stuck up when I'm certainly not that way.

That said, I also agree with the people who say maybe his wife is saying negative stuff about him to her friend.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

I think he is making a big deal over nothing.

I get cards from friends, people I have worked with, clients. It is no big deal. Cards from family members are usually addressed to us both.

I can't imagine a client, boss, etc. giving me a Christmas card addressed to me and my family? That would be odd.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Well so far reading all the response (many thanks for those by the way) it appears a 50/50 ish split as to what the heck is going on. Im really pleased seeing these replies I didnt make any instinct judgements because it a real difficult one. I guess he could make a comment and try to keep it light that the bunch of roses with the card were missing and the romantic meal ......
But a comment could light a fire he doesnt want to fight, I can understand that. To cover some of the questions in there the two ladies have worked togther in the same office and now are working 25 miles apart, they , I belive have known each other about 5 - 6 years from what I can determine. The issue here is a gut feeling something is not right is something we all have had at some point and its proven a right feeling. But he says his relationship seems ok his wife appears loving and I didnt hear him say that their sex life was off key at all , although I kow she told my W shed started her menapause last year (my head said mid life crisise we he spoke to me) But I guess he needs to keep calm, dont jump at anything unless there is something that is substancial like texts that are more "informative " . Tough one really to help anyone with 
Thank guys


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

I think it's nothing to worry about at all. It's just a strong friendship. Sounds like they are each other's emotional support and have a deeper connection in that area than you have with her.

That in itself could be an area you can improve. She goes to a friend because she's not finding that emotional connection with you. If you can research listening/validation/cherishing techniques for women, you'll win back a more warm and approachable wife.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I have 3 girlfriends whom we send things to without mention of the kids or our men. We are still women. We talk crazy to each other but it's not romantic.

But what do I know.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

ComicBookLady said:


> I think it's nothing to worry about at all. It's just a strong friendship. Sounds like they are each other's emotional support and have a deeper connection in that area than you have with her.
> 
> That in itself could be an area you can improve. She goes to a friend because she's not finding that emotional connection with you. If you can research listening/validation/cherishing techniques for women, you'll win back a more warm and approachable wife.


It's actually a question for the original poster's male friend and that friend is the husband in this situation. But you're right, this husband might think everything is ok, but perhaps he's not giving the kind of emotional support his wife is looking for. That's worth exploring.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> It's actually a question for the original poster's male friend and that friend is the husband in this situation. But you're right, this husband might think everything is ok, but perhaps he's not giving the kind of emotional support his wife is looking for. That's worth exploring.


Thank you for the clarification!


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