# Wife out of town with single friends



## JayTide (Dec 12, 2017)

My wife an i have been in a 12 year relationship and have never spent a holiday away from one another much less time away from one another partying on new years eve with wild single friends with a motel room. There has been many changes recently with being very secretive with phone etc. With all these changes and boom she is going out of town. Am i wrong for thinking a married couple doesn't do these things?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

JayTide said:


> My wife an i have been in a 12 year relationship and have never spent a holiday away from one another much less time away from one another partying on new years eve with wild single friends with a motel room. There has been many changes recently with being very secretive with phone etc. With all these changes and boom she is going out of town. *Am i wrong for thinking a married couple doesn't do these things?*


Nope.

Check the phone bill.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Career woman here, 37 years married (first time for both of us), and almost 60 years old. In the 37 years that we have been married, I have never spent a holiday, partying with single friends in motel rooms. Your wife has reverted to her single days. In addition, you should have access to everything in communication devices (phones & social media). Guarding their phone is a sign of secrecy. When the marriage is not transparent, there is a serious reason for secrecy. It is time for you to have an open talk with your wife. For God's sake put your foot down in these hedonistic behaviors of your wife's!


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

JayTide,

Don't tip your hand go into investigative mode, play stupid for the time being, she most likely in an emotional affair which she wants to turn physical. 

Also look for new clothes, underwear, etc.

Has she told your "she loves you but is not in love with you"

Tamat


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Where is she going and can you follow?


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

JayTide said:


> My wife an i have been in a 12 year relationship and have never spent a holiday away from one another much less time away from one another partying on new years eve with wild single friends with a motel room. There has been many changes recently with being very secretive with phone etc. With all these changes and boom she is going out of town. Am i wrong for thinking a married couple doesn't do these things?


She's going out for New Years to another town, with single friends, and staying in a motel.

Did she announce she was going or did she discuss it with you and get your thoughts?

What did you tell her?


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## JayTide (Dec 12, 2017)

I only have access to outgoing calls only which i have checked but i believe it's being hid through text and Snapchat.


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## JayTide (Dec 12, 2017)

This was not discussed with me I was told hey I'm going here for new years with so and so which is single wild women that date multiple guys that i know for a fact. And funny that one of you asked if she had told me she loved me but not in love with me anymore because that has definitely been told to me.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

JayTide said:


> This was not discussed with me I was told hey I'm going here for new years with so and so which is single wild women that date multiple guys that i know for a fact. And funny that one of you asked if she had told me she loved me but not in love with me anymore because that has definitely been told to me.


She's cheating.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

JayTide said:


> This was not discussed with me I was told hey I'm going here for new years with so and so which is single wild women that date multiple guys that i know for a fact. And funny that one of you asked if she had told me she loved me but not in love with me anymore because that has definitely been told to me.


If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it’s probably an affair.

Might be time for a VAR in the car.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

JayTide said:


> This was not discussed with me I was told hey I'm going here for new years with so and so which is single wild women that date multiple guys that i know for a fact. And funny that one of you asked if she had told me she loved me but not in love with me anymore because that has definitely been told to me.


And when she told you what did you say?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Why don't you get a PI on her for that weekend with her friends? I BET you will find out what is really going on. Don't confront without real proof. If you can grab her phone when she is asleep, maybe you can use Dr Fone to get the info you need.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

JayTide said:


> This was not discussed with me I was told hey I'm going here for new years with so and so which is single wild women that date multiple guys that i know for a fact. And funny that one of you asked if she had told me she loved me but not in love with me anymore because that has definitely been told to me.


 There is only one reason to go out of town on New Years Eve so that she can stay at a hotel with her single wild friend that likes to party with men. Add in that she gave you the "I love you, but I am not in love with you line", and you know what is going on. You need to decide if you want her to cheat so that you can prove it and divorce her, or if you want to put your foot down now and say to her that there is no way she gets to go out of town to act like a single woman if she want to stay married to you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

JayTide said:


> My wife an i have been in a 12 year relationship and have never spent a holiday away from one another much less time away from one another partying on new years eve with wild single friends with a motel room. There has been many changes recently with being very secretive with phone etc. With all these changes and boom she is going out of town. Am i wrong for thinking a married couple doesn't do these things?


This has got all the signs. Where are you during this?

It's me, my response is 

_Wife if you want to live like you are single then you can be single but if you are my wife then I am going to spend New Years Eve with my wife. I didn't marry you to be alone on New Years. 
_
Seriously how do you get to the place where your wife even asks this let alone tells you this is what she is doing. 

What's the deal are you non-confrontational to the point of being like droopy dog or something "yes dear"? Did you cheat on her before or something?

This is probably been going on for some time. She may not even be going with her girlfriends.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

People say be secretive in your investigation of her secrecy.

But in my case I have always been completely open in my investigation of my wife's life. True, she has special problems which warrant my constant surveillance, but I think we both just do not understand the idea that one spouse should keep emails or texts or anything like that secret from the other.

I take my wife's phone and read it any time I want to. I take it right out of her hand and unlock it and peruse it. I read her email. I have all her email accounts set up on my computer. I have another phone slaved to her phone that gets all her text messages. When I look at her phone I'm just making sure there are no apps on it I don't have on the other phone. Yes, it's a bit overboard, but that's special for her.

However, this bit about a spouse being secretive about their phone and email just makes no sense to me. I don't agree with that on a moral ground. I allow Mary access to my phone and email accounts, and there is no reason for that except that I just think it's not right for me to keep them secret from the woman I love.

I actually take advantage of that and have her check the constant barrage of work emails for me, so I can actually ignore them for a while.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

OP You are not going to like what I have to say.! Divorce her right now file for divorce, doesn’t mean you have to go through with it but you will wake her up really fast you will snap her out of what we call the fog... this is the only chance you have to stop her and maybe save your marriage. For most people that would be a deal breaker, meaning this would end the marriage.! So something you must think about that. 

And another thing whatever you do. Do not second-guess the information that you will be getting from the good people of TAM. Remember you came here for information even if you don’t like it you better treat it as gospel. Most of everyone here has been through or is going through what you are experiencing right now. They only have your best interest in hand. Sorry for your situation but do the right thing and get her out of your life.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Why aren't you invited?

Why are you allowing this?
(By not telling her a hard no, you are defaulting to a yes).


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Time to tell her not to come home after her trip. 

That she will be taking it as a divorcée.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

As sure as the sun rises in the East, your wife is cheating on you, and she is throwing it in your face. Man up! Don't let her emasculate you. I feel for you, but you have to wake up and confront the issue head on. Let her know that you know what is going on and that if she goes galovanting with her single friends on New Years Eve she will not be welcomed back in the home. If she goes any follow up with the consequences. She will try to gaslight you. Don't let her try and manipulate you with false outrage and indignation. It will be her effort to bully you so she can screw around in peace.

What have you done to try and fix your marriage? It may be too late now, but if you give her the ultimatum and she backs off, you will need to figure out how to check her back into the marriage.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

OP,
Give me one good reason you don't have a PI tracking her and divorce papers on the table when she gets back?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

JayTide said:


> This was not discussed with me I was told hey I'm going here for new years with so and so which is single wild women that date multiple guys that i know for a fact. And funny that one of you asked if she had told me she loved me but not in love with me anymore because that has definitely been told to me.


 @JayTide: In light of what you are saying here, I recommend that you ask the mods to move this thread to the Infidelity section, as some form of possible infidelity is definitely on the table here.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Once you get the ILYBINILWY speech, the very next move that should be made is TO A LAWYER.

STEP 2: FOLLOW THE LAWYER'S INSTRUCTIONS AND FILE FOR DIVORCE

STEP 3: work out at the gym like an MMA fighter.

STEP 4: detach and move on. Don't look back, don't reminisce about your marriage, don't think about her, don't try to find out who she's screwing, don't waste any thoughts on her period. THIS is the hardest thing, but the best thing.

STEP 5: Have a friend stop by your house and talk to you. He should have a 2 x 4 with him. Every time you mention your ex, he should be instructed to knock the hell out of you with the 2 x 4. 

STEP 6: Heal, grieve your loss, go out with other ladies and gain some freaking confidence.

You are crazy to accept the poo sandwich your wife is dishing out, especially these days with literally thousands of women just dying to find a man. SHE IS NOT THE ONLY WOMAN ON THE PLANET. Treat her as the spoiled vegetable that she is.

If you beg and plead, she will immediately move out. IF you beg and plead and do anything other than show indifference to her, she will lose all respect and treat you like poo. If you beg and plead she is most assuredly gone. 
So, I urge you to beg and plead. She will be gone very quickly when you do that, and that's exactly what you need. She sucks as a wife. Get rid of the trash.


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## JayTide (Dec 12, 2017)

Thank you all very much for the responses and advice etc. To answer some of your questions no i have never cheated on her nor even talked to another woman like that in the 12 years of being together. Her reasoning for falling out of love was supposedly bc i spent to much time away from home working. A few years back i had my own business and worked a ton of hours. Doing what i thought was right by supporting my family. So when these problems were brought about shortly afterwards i got out of business and have a regular 40 hr week job to be able to spend more family time and hopefully save my marriage. Now the excuse is i am gone to much at ball with my child bc she never attends any practice just games only so i do all the taking to practice etc. Every since the whole i love you but not in love i have been very cautious and aware of things. The whole phone thing is very bothering when you personally don't even have a password or a thing to hide. I just wanted to hear other people's opinions etc but have every intention on telling her to pack for good instead on 1 night.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

JayTide said:


> Thank you all very much for the responses and advice etc. To answer some of your questions no i have never cheated on her nor even talked to another woman like that in the 12 years of being together. Her reasoning for falling out of love was supposedly bc i spent to much time away from home working. A few years back i had my own business and worked a ton of hours. Doing what i thought was right by supporting my family. So when these problems were brought about shortly afterwards i got out of business and have a regular 40 hr week job to be able to spend more family time and hopefully save my marriage. Now the excuse is i am gone to much at ball with my child bc she never attends any practice just games only so i do all the taking to practice etc. Every since the whole i love you but not in love i have been very cautious and aware of things. The whole phone thing is very bothering when you personally don't even have a password or a thing to hide. I just wanted to hear other people's opinions etc but have every intention on telling her to pack for good instead on 1 night.


Sounds like a cheater to me. Never happy and it is always your fault.

Take her phone right now. Go through it all. She refuses to unlock the phone pack her a bag and tell her she can move right now. Early NYE party. As the door closes tell her not to go far as the divorce petition will arrive soon and she can be free as a bird. Sooner the better!


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

JayTide said:


> A few years back i had my own business and worked a ton of hours. Doing what i thought was right by supporting my family. So when these problems were brought about shortly afterwards i got out of business and have a regular 40 hr week job to be able to spend more family time and hopefully save my marriage. Now the excuse is i am gone to much at ball with my child bc she never attends any practice just games only so i do all the taking to practice etc.


Cheaters will always have an excuse as to why they cheat. First it was you worked too hard to earn money for the family, and now it is because you spend too much time with your child (of course she could be taking them to practice with you). And if not that, then it would be you do not work hard enough to provide for the family, or that you do not spend enough time with the children and dump it all on her. Life is never perfect, and neither are people, but that is the impossible standard cheaters set for you because they want to be unhappy with you; never mind that they would fail their own standard. Stop playing the pick me dance game, because as the self appointed judge and rule maker, it is rigged against you so that no matter what you do you will lose. If you read threads in the infidelity section of this site, you will see that this is standard practice for cheaters; it is like they have a cheater's script that they all follow. 

The next time she says this crap, call bull on it and tell her to stop with the bull**** excuses. Tell her that you know that you are a good husband and father and that she is just looking for a reason to be unhappy with you to justify cheating. Tell her that if she does not want to be married to you anymore, she should do the honest thing and work with you in filing for divorce. That you know that somewhere out there is a woman that would thank God every morning that she has you in her life; tell your wife that if she does not want to be that woman, then you do not want to waste anymore time in ending the marriage and finding a woman that would gladly be your wife. Tell her that you have a right to be happy in your marriage, and right now you are not.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You need to move with speed and decisiveness. Purely on the partying without you on NYE, you can issue the ultimatum which is I am not going to tell you what to do, but I cannot be married to someone who cares so little for our marriage. Then on the fact that she is going with wild friends, you need to add that they are no friends to the marriage and that is the second reason for the ultimatum. Throw in that if she is not in love with you then she needs to either end this marriage or work on this marriage and that there is nothing in between.

While doing this, continue investigating in stealth mode - do not tip your hand until you have solid info. Use VARs, access her phone, computer etc. Consult an attorney and get the divorce underway - you can always stop it later if you need to.

What would happen if you turned up at the NYE party without her knowing ? Do you know where it is and could you get in based on you are the husband of XYZ who is at the party ?

Finally do want to c0ckbl0ck or let her go through with it and catch her guilty ?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

JayTide said:


> Thank you all very much for the responses and advice etc. To answer some of your questions no i have never cheated on her nor even talked to another woman like that in the 12 years of being together. Her reasoning for falling out of love was supposedly bc i spent to much time away from home working. A few years back i had my own business and worked a ton of hours. Doing what i thought was right by supporting my family. So when these problems were brought about shortly afterwards i got out of business and have a regular 40 hr week job to be able to spend more family time and hopefully save my marriage. Now the excuse is i am gone to much at ball with my child bc she never attends any practice just games only so i do all the taking to practice etc. Every since the whole i love you but not in love i have been very cautious and aware of things. The whole phone thing is very bothering when you personally don't even have a password or a thing to hide. I just wanted to hear other people's opinions etc but have every intention on telling her to pack for good instead on 1 night.


Ah, the ever-shifting goal post.

Classic cheater move.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it’s probably an affair.
> 
> Might be time for a VAR in the car.


Yep, its an affair which she probably hopes bridges to a new relationship. Women don't wait around and work on their marriage these days, they simply move on. There are no societal repercussions to doing so.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Ah, the ever-shifting goal post.
> 
> Classic cheater move.


Wow. Sorry to say this but it might all be over before you even found out. 

I suggest tell her that she either fesses up, full transparency (phone, emails everything) and discuss your future (or lack there of) together or the last bag she will ever pack in this house is the one for new years. 

You have to go in hard now - if only to protect your sanity.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> You need to move with speed and decisiveness. Purely on the partying without you on NYE, you can issue the ultimatum which is I am not going to tell you what to do, but I cannot be married to someone who cares so little for our marriage. Then on the fact that she is going with wild friends, you need to add that they are no friends to the marriage and that is the second reason for the ultimatum. * Throw in that if she is not in love with you then she needs to either end this marriage or work on this marriage and that there is nothing in between.*
> 
> While doing this, continue investigating in stealth mode - do not tip your hand until you have solid info. Use VARs, access her phone, computer etc. Consult an attorney and get the divorce underway - you can always stop it later if you need to.
> 
> ...


This.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

JayTide said:


> My wife an i have been in a 12 year relationship and have never spent a holiday away from one another much less time away from one another partying on new years eve with wild single friends with a motel room. There has been many changes recently with being very secretive with phone etc. With all these changes and boom she is going out of town. Am i wrong for thinking a married couple doesn't do these things?


You are likely wrong in ONLY thinking that.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it’s probably an affair.
> 
> Might be time for a VAR in the car.


I have always wondered about people needing to investigate the actual affair. For me, I love you but I am not in love with you, I am going going wild partying on NYE is enough for me to say See Ya.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Only you are keeping yourself in limbo here.

Rip the bandaid off and file


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> *I have always wondered about people needing to investigate the actual affair.* For me, I love you but I am not in love with you, I am going going wild partying on NYE is enough for me to say See Ya.


What a curious lot we humans are, seeking always to supplant mere belief with glorious knowledge...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...-mouth-no-trust-just-further-underground.html


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> What a curious lot we humans are, seeking always to supplant mere belief with glorious knowledge...
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...-mouth-no-trust-just-further-underground.html


I guess the knowledge that (in my case) he was not in love with me and would rather party on would be enough knowledge.


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> What a curious lot we humans are, seeking always to supplant mere belief with glorious knowledge...
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...-mouth-no-trust-just-further-underground.html


That's so hilarious.

A great quote from the thread:



NothingSpecial said:


> .... So Verizon, Android. I don't even care. I just want the hiding to stop. I want to know so I have info to base a decision on. He says he wants to work on the marriage but won't DO anything. He says when he finds a job he can do something. But he can manage sexy time with other people.... so...


Marital advice from swingers is often quite amusing.

Like NS, this poster just needs to know the info upon which he can later base a decision upon. 

I suggest he immediately invest in and place a VAR in her car. Don't wait until December 31 to give her some ultimatum that she'll just ignore. You're just setting yourself up for failure that way and by waiting you may actually be missing out on opportunities to get available information sooner and|or to actually possible prevent what might be {just} an emotional affair today that could become a physical affair on December 15, 18, 24th or whenever. 

Gather evidence of any affair and then confront and expose her BEFORE she tries to leave for the night or weekend. The sooner the better. You don't have to endure that weekend just to prove it. Prove it earlier.

Why prove it? Because although we know here that going out without your spouse on New Years Eve and "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is code speak for adulterers, in real life filing for divorce simply because your wife decides to go out with friends on new year's doesn't fly completely {absent proof of adultery} as a seemingly justifiable reason to end a long-term marriage with children {I'm presuming}. You'll be labeled controlling and a possessive jerk. 

She'll deny anything is going on until she's blue in the face. You may know it and soon get a little evidence but do hold off a couple of days so that you can accumulate a nice pile of unrefutable "proof" and hopefully "proof" that won't make it obvious you were using a VAR {because that's not looked upon favorably, it might be illegal in your state and you may want to keep it a secret so you can get more information later}. Never reveal your sources. Let them wonder how you got it by actively acting like it came from a secret informant or, maybe, the OM's spouse, partner or rival. 

Bust her, confront her and expose her {and the OM} in a quick manner and, hopefully, she'll be jumping at the opportunity to spend New Year's Eve with you in order to save her marriage and family. Otherwise, I guarantee your last minute December 30th ultimatum will fail. She'll go because she's already built the night up in her mind for a month and FEELS completely entitled to following through with it.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Hand her the business card for your lawyer as she is walking out the door. Tell her you can only be in a marriage where both are in love with each other, and then say, oh by the way, move in with your single friend when back in town.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@JayTide just checking in -- how are things going? Have you tried to VAR her car? Are you considering a PI for her NYEve night with the girls?


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> I have always wondered about people needing to investigate the actual affair. For me, I love you but I am not in love with you, I am going going wild partying on NYE is enough for me to say See Ya.


You have self-esteem.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

poida said:


> Yep, its an affair which she probably hopes bridges to a new relationship. Women don't wait around and work on their marriage these days, *they simply move on. There are no societal repercussions to doing so.*


And that is OK for a lonely woman, *if all else fails.*
Life is short.

Everyone deserves to be happy.....
Reasonably, at at no other's expense.

Just do so honorably.
And nothing else matters...

People lack honor...
Mine too, could do with some polishing.
How about yours?
.........................................................................

You can have it all.
My Empire of Dirt..Johnny Cash


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> You can have it all.
> My Empire of Dirt..Johnny Cash



Actually that would be Trent Reznor 



Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Suspicious1 said:


> Actually that would be Trent Reznor
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


Yes, and sung by The Man in Black.
He is the more famous of the two.

On that subject, think about all the great songs written by Willie Nelson. He rarely gets credit for any of them.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

My wife has gone with woman friends and it has never been a problem. However, in a good or normal marriage, the wife would call a few times to say hello. Here, she has made a special point of saying there should be no communication and there appears to be no legitimate reason for that.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> You can have it all.
> My Empire of Dirt..Johnny Cash





Suspicious1 said:


> Actually that would be Trent Reznor


JC did it better, IMO.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

JayTide said:


> My wife an i have been in a 12 year relationship and have never spent a holiday away from one another much less time away from one another partying on new years eve with wild single friends with a motel room. There has been many changes recently with being very secretive with phone etc. With all these changes and boom she is going out of town. Am i wrong for thinking a married couple doesn't do these things?




- Nope. Something is up.


- Mrs.CuddleBug goes out with her friends (single and married) to pubs, restaurants and their houses. Maybe even a weekend get away with one of them to IKEA.....shopping.:grin2:


- But she is not secretive with her cell and she doesn't suddenly go out of town.


- When she goes out, she usually texts me letting me know how shes doing. I tell her, don't text me and enjoy yourself and that makes her text me more.


- Mrs.CuddleBug gets her marital advice from her parents, married sister and other married friends. She doens't take advice from her single coworkers and that party.


- I think your wife still misses and wants that single life, go out for the weekend and party it up.......


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## haveandhold (Jan 15, 2018)

JayTide said:


> Am i wrong for thinking a married couple doesn't do these things?


Are you wrong for thinking this? No, certainly not. Her behavior is suspicious yes.

However, I have not seen anything in your posts that indicates actual evidence of cheating. Maybe if you try to communicate more openly with her you can uncover the truth and begin the healing process.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

I think you already know the answer to your question.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@JayTide, any updates?


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