# Your views on divorce



## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

1) Do you view marriage as a lifetime commitment? If you are divorced, did you view it as a lifetime as a lifetime commitment at the alter?

2) Why do you think so many marriages end in divorce?

3) What do you think are acceptable reasons for a divorce?

4) If you have been through a divorce, how was it? Some people say that it scars you emotionally and spiritually, while others say that it was the best thing that ever happened to them. Try to be as honest as you can.

I'm just trying to understand a little more about why people get divorced, if they initially thought it was acceptable, what tipped them over the edge, etc.

My mom has been divorced ~6-7 times (can't remember precisely). She is extremely different from me, and I want to understand her a little bit more. I'm hoping that the answers that you all will give me might help me come to a better understanding of the mindset and thoughts of someone who goes through marriages like that.

Thanks.


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## MrsKy (May 5, 2012)

Aggie said:


> 1) Do you view marriage as a lifetime commitment? If you are divorced, did you view it as a lifetime as a lifetime commitment at the alter?
> 
> 2) Why do you think so many marriages end in divorce?
> 
> ...


1.) It should be a lifetime commitment, but sometimes unexpected circumstances occur and people cannot be married anymore.

2.) I have read that the most common reason is financial problems. I also think that infidelity and unrealistic expectations can wreak havoc on a marriage.

3.) Infidelity, repeatedly abuse, lack of sex, incompatible goals.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Aggie said:


> 1) Do you view marriage as a lifetime commitment? *Yes* If you are divorced, did you view it as a lifetime as a lifetime commitment at the alter? *Yes*
> 
> 2) Why do you think so many marriages end in divorce? *Because both people don't believe #1, don't understand what commitment means, or think it's ok to breach their contracts.*
> 
> ...


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Aggie said:


> 1) Do you view marriage as a lifetime commitment? If you are divorced, did you view it as a lifetime as a lifetime commitment at the alter?
> 
> 2) Why do you think so many marriages end in divorce?
> 
> ...


1. 
My vows told me to love and cherish that person for life. In sickness and health. For richer or poorer. And that is exactly what I plan to do. 

2. 
People get married to young these days.
Infidelity is glamorized and trivialized in the media. We see Hollywood and the stars do it. Why not us?
Facebook!!! There is a reason you shouldn't meet up with your old high school sweet heart after 20 years of not seeing each other!
Divorce no longer carries the social stigma with it. 
I may take 2+ years of dating and getting to know you before I marry you. It takes me 30-60 days, depending on the state and marriage, to divorce you. 
In divorce, the higher earner can be taken to the cleaners. So it is advantageous for the low earner to divorce, because then, their standard of living doesn't take a big hit, and they are single and ready to mingle. 

3. 
Cheating
Extreme lying (like, accidental cuckolding or something like that, saying you can/want to have kids when you don't) 
Lack of love in the marriage for either spouse, and refusing to work on it


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Aggie said:


> 1) Do you view marriage as a lifetime commitment? If you are divorced, did you view it as a lifetime as a lifetime commitment at the alter?
> 
> *Yes at the time I viewed it as lifelong*
> 
> ...


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

Aggie said:


> 1) Do you view marriage as a lifetime commitment? If you are divorced, did you view it as a lifetime as a lifetime commitment at the alter?
> 
> I view marriage as a lifelong commitment. I am not divorce. This is my first marriage, and we did have some bumps along the road. We've lived together since we were young. We were both 20. Now, he just turned 32; I turn 32 in November. After six years living together, we married.
> 
> ...


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Aggie said:


> 1) Do you view marriage as a lifetime commitment? If you are divorced, did you view it as a lifetime as a lifetime commitment at the alter?


Yes, to me a marriage is a lifetime commitment.



Aggie said:


> 2) Why do you think so many marriages end in divorce?


 People rush to get married. They don't get any premarital counseling. They spend so much time preparing for the wedding and honeymoon, but think little about married life other than to think love is all they need. They think it's like living together. They don't understand how serious a commitment it is. They want to live a single, independent lifestyle while being married. They didn't grow up seeing strong, stable marriages. They don't value marriage. We're in a throwaway society. It's now about making oneself happy regardless of the cost, playing fast and loose with other people's feelings. Divorce doesn't have a stigma. Infidelity is glamorized in films and movies "it's love...follow your heart" kind of mentality.



Aggie said:


> 3) What do you think are acceptable reasons for a divorce?


 Abuse of any kind - emotional abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse, abuse of a child or family member. Drug addiction. Doing anything else that would get you arrested. Deliberately neglecting the spouse for a long time and refusing to change, or absolutely refusing to change a sexless marriage would be grounds for divorce in my book. 



Aggie said:


> 4) If you have been through a divorce, how was it? Some people say that it scars you emotionally and spiritually, while others say that it was the best thing that ever happened to them. Try to be as honest as you can.


Haven't been divorced...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

My post would echo coffee's. I would also add that I believe sexual neglect = abuse and is justification to divorce.


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## kl84 (Jan 26, 2012)

Aggie said:


> 1) Do you view marriage as a lifetime commitment? If you are divorced, did you view it as a lifetime as a lifetime commitment at the alter? *Yes, I do believe marriage is supposed to be for life, 'til death do you part. Therefore, I believe it should be thought through *thoroughly* before jumping into it. I think it's better to never marry in the first place than to jump into a marriage without thinking about all that it entails to keep it together.*
> 
> 2) Why do you think so many marriages end in divorce?
> *Because it was considered an option in the beginning. I'm not saying it's like that in ALL situations, but too many people have the mentality that if "xyz" happens, I can always get a divorce and move on. Additionally, I think people take marriage, in general, very lightly. They don't see it as a lifetime commitment. Women fuss more about how expensive and flashy their wedding will be but never even consider what kind of work it takes to maintain a healthy marriage. Marriage is the dress, the ring, the honeymoon, the house, the car, etc. Divorce is glamorized in the media. There are many reasons I believe divorce is so common but for the most part it's just because either the marriage was never taken serious enough in the first place or the divorce wasn't taken seriously. I also believe a huge problem is that over time, a couple allows themselves to grow apart by leaving their marriage on autopilot. They become so detached from each other and develop such different identities that they lose their desire to even solve their problems. It's not that they can't, it's that they don't want to. This was the case with my brother and father. They could have solved their problems, they just didn't want to anymore. *
> ...


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Aggie said:


> 1) Do you view marriage as a lifetime commitment? If you are divorced, did you view it as a lifetime as a lifetime commitment at the alter?
> 
> *No, ideally yes, but, no I didn't when getting married and I don't now.*
> 2) Why do you think so many marriages end in divorce?
> ...


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

1) Do you view marriage as a lifetime commitment? If you are divorced, did you view it as a lifetime as a lifetime commitment at the alter?

Yes, I do view it as a lifetime commitment and hope to marry again - 2nd and last and forever. I viewed my first marriage the same way but was young and naive and didn't realize his take-charge attitude would become controlling and eventually abusive. Had he not been abusive, I would have stayed and worked things out.

2) Why do you think so many marriages end in divorce?

People are in love with the idea of being in love and forget that being married means putting someone else's needs before your own. But BOTH people need to do that. Also people don't like dealing with uncomfortable topics, both bringing them up and resolving them. Both parties need to accept the need to change and evolve for the better of the marriage.

3) What do you think are acceptable reasons for a divorce?

Abuse, repeated infidelity or mental illness where hope for treatment has been exhausted. (Yes that's an illness but I knew someone whose spouse was schizophrenic and he rode that roller coaster for 15 years before it was his/his children's emotional well being at stake - sometimes you have to let go.) Most other things can be worked through, I think.

4) If you have been through a divorce, how was it? Some people say that it scars you emotionally and spiritually, while others say that it was the best thing that ever happened to them. Try to be as honest as you can.

It was not fun - it was painful and difficult and I would never put a family through that if I could avoid it. Because my marriage was abusive it was necessary and was the best thing that happened to me. I don't feel scarred because of divorce but like anyone who has had a serious relationship die, I do have baggage. A partner raising his voice in anger still scares me and brings back some old feelings.



Aggie said:


> I'm just trying to understand a little more about why people get divorced, if they initially thought it was acceptable, what tipped them over the edge, etc.
> 
> My mom has been divorced ~6-7 times (can't remember precisely). She is extremely different from me, and I want to understand her a little bit more. I'm hoping that the answers that you all will give me might help me come to a better understanding of the mindset and thoughts of someone who goes through marriages like that.
> 
> Thanks.


That many divorces/marriages is a sign she makes poor decisions, seeks personal validation from men, is compulsive and has poor interpersonal skills. It might be best that you never fully understand her and she, instead, learns to understand YOU and herself to break the cycle.


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## MYM1430 (Nov 7, 2011)

1. I view marriage as a lifetime commitment to your first sexual partner. 
2. Divorce is the result of human selfishness in one or both parties.
3. Divorce is always an option, especially in cases of abuse. However, I don't believe in remarriage unless your spouse has died. 
4. n/a (never divorced)


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

1) Yes its a lifetime commitment

2) People marry so young before they've grown up and experienced life. People change a lot the closer they get to 30 so they married before they even knew who they were much less who they should marry

3) Infidelity, abuse, neglect, lack of sex, substance abuse, etc.

4) NA - married 21 years - no divorce.

On your mom marrying that many times. That's not the norm. Not even close.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

_Do you view marriage as a lifetime commitment?_ 

I did previously.

_ If you are divorced, did you view it as a lifetime as a lifetime commitment at the alter?_

Absolutely. Most people do not get married thinking they will ever divorce. Fact.

_2) Why do you think so many marriages end in divorce?_

Because 1 or both want out. The decision to divorce is rarely mutual. 

And the thing is, if 1 person does not want to be married, the other person does not have a choice in the matter.

_3) What do you think are acceptable reasons for a divorce?_

What is "acceptable" will depend on who you ask. One person's dealbreaker may not be an issue for someone else. It all depends on the couple.

_4) If you have been through a divorce, how was it? _ 

Traumatic. It's an emotional experience unlike any other I've ever lived. I would not wish it for anyone.

There is a saying that goes "Divorce is like an amputation. You survive it, but there's less of you." And in a way that's true. For me personally, it's like a veil has been lifted from my eyes. I see the world in a completely different way now. I no longer believe in "forever." There's a sort of naïvety that is lost once you've been through a divorce.


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

Thanks everyone for answering - the replies are insightful.

On the US Census for 2009, it shows that 51.5% of couples are getting divorced. That number may not be accurate, but I think everyone can agree that the actual number is still a large percentage.

Many of the answers I've seen have said that infidelity / abuse would be acceptable reasons for divorce. Do you think abuse is one of the larger reasons people get divorced, or more of an outlier? 

What are the least dramatic examples you can think of as abuse? Everyone agrees that screaming at and demeaning your spouse is abuse, but when does the line cross from being unreasonable and mean to abusive?

Also, do you consider "falling out of love" an acceptable reason for divorce? What ratio of marriages do you think end because of this? Do you think it is possible to keep your marriage from falling out of love? How would you advise someone to go about it?


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## Santa (May 31, 2012)

Do you view marriage as a lifetime commitment? If you are divorced, did you view it as a lifetime as a lifetime commitment at the alter? 

*Yes*
*Yes*

2) Why do you think so many marriages end in divorce?

*Because people are more focused on theyr own happiness in the moment with a me first attitude and have no idea what commitiment actually means / *


3) What do you think are acceptable reasons for a divorce?

*Adultary or physical abuse*





4) If you have been through a divorce, how was it? Some people say that it scars you emotionally and spiritually, while others say that it was the best thing that ever happened to them. Try to be as honest as you can


*It was horrible and totally changed how much I am willing to allow another person to get close to me *


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Yes I married for life.
I love my H and truly believe in my marriage vows.
We haven't had an easy ride, esp the past year, but I have never thought of divorcing him.

Yes the love does peak and flow, and sometimes it does get lost, but it can come back, if you want it too.
I truly believe we will be together until we die.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh I do think abuse is a perfectly acceptable reason for divorcing. Nobody should ever stay in an abusive relationship/with an abuser. Ever.

Aggie--when there is a "pattern" of detrimental behavior (screaming, verbally abusing, emotionaly abusing), that is when it crosses the line. It's one thing to get upset 1 time, but when it's a constant in a relationship and someone gets pleasure from putting their partner down and does it habitually--the pattern is set. 

As for "falling out of love" -- any relationship is a work in progress. It takes TWO people committed to eachother and teir relationship to make it work. As I said above, if ONE person does not want to do the work anymore, if ONE person declares they've fallen out of love and don't want the marriage anymore, if ONE person says they want out, the other person has NO choice but to concede. Divorces are almost *never* mutual. That is a fact. Generally 1 person wants to stay married and the other person wants out. It's sad. But 1 person alone cannot make a marriage/relationship.

Your mother marrying 6-7 times is not the norm.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I concur with all the answers given.

My husband's mother has been married 4 times... I think this has affected his views on marriage and divorce. I am more traditional and would prefer not to, but every disagreement we have he brings it up. It's hurtful.

How do you think your mother's marriages and divorces have affected your views?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Aggie said:


> 1) Do you view marriage as a lifetime commitment?


 It is supposed to be ..but alot of people get married too quick, they didn't know each other deeply enough, after the vows their true character emerges...and well... they are just too different and I think some are just mistakes... I think it is better to be happy than commit to vows for lifetime while we grow bitter, resentful & happiness can not be acheived with the one we're with.

My parents divorced after 9 yrs, they did the right thing, even though I was a casualty, it was for the best. They had nearly nothing in common, not compatible at all. It would have been a lifetime of striving against the wind. My father found the love of his life in my step mom, a good example of what a happy marraige is all about. 



> 2) Why do you think so many marriages end in divorce?


 Poeple don't know who they are and what they want when they marry...or they marry for reasons they FEEL will bring them happiness while overlooking other red flags... too many differences, one has slaughtered the vows, the other has a right to end it ....

I feel we are all selfish, we want what we want...it is ingrained it us, we all have desires of the







, and when we marry another who has no desire to cultivate these things in us..who we are at our core....we bonk heads relentlessly .... even if our wants are FINE, honest and good...if they are NOT what our partner wants, we got a world of trouble on our hands. 

*Couples need a similar "vision" for the future *and a continual striving to please their partners along the way.



> 3) What do you think are acceptable reasons for a divorce?


 Sexless marraige, cheating, abandonment, physical abuse, feeling so unhappy, depression sets in and needing mental drugs to cope, to name a few. 



> My mom has been divorced ~6-7 times (can't remember precisely). She is extremely different from me, and I want to understand her a little bit more. I'm hoping that the answers that you all will give me might help me come to a better understanding of the mindset and thoughts of someone who goes through marriages like that.


 I feel we can all learn from our parents mistakes in life......My mother made plenty...and I seen 1st hand how it screwed her up...stole her happiness... I didn't want to travel that road.... she married too soon & for the wrong reasons ....

I , on the other hand, dated nearly 8 yrs, I waited till I had overwhelming peace about HIM, what I wanted in life... we had the same goals, dreams & plans ...It just felt "right"...our "season" and we finally took the plunge. Never looked back.


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> I concur with all the answers given.
> 
> My husband's mother has been married 4 times... I think this has affected his views on marriage and divorce. I am more traditional and would prefer not to, but every disagreement we have he brings it up. It's hurtful.
> 
> ...


My parents were divorced when I was ~1-2. I lived with my mother, and then moved in with my father when I was 9. Shortly after me moving in with him, my father remarried and has thus far had a happy, if dysfunctional, marriage.

To a certain extent, I think a child is influenced by his / her parents in a way the child can't really tell. I'm sure that I'm influenced by both my mother and father's marriages. However, I also think you can choose to use your parents' examples as something you want to do, or something you don't want to do.

With both of my parents, I have chosen to avoid much of their behavior. My father, mother, and myself all have fundamentally different personalities. Although my parents have influenced me in how marriages should be, I believe that most of those influences have led me to act differently from them rather similarly.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Poeple don't know who they are and what they want when they marry...or they marry for reasons they FEEL will bring them happiness while overlooking other red flags... too many differences, one has slaughtered the vows, the other has a right to end it ....


This is the truth


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## wxman3441 (Aug 30, 2012)

1) Do you view marriage as a lifetime commitment? If you are divorced, did you view it as a lifetime as a lifetime commitment at the alter?

A: Marriage should be a lifetime commitment unless a situation beyond anyone's control arises.

2) Why do you think so many marriages end in divorce?

A; Many people, and I'm sorry if it sounds sexist especially women, have this belief that there may be someone better out there for them. People give up way to easily and way too soon in marriage (this was the case for me). There is a reason you take those vows in front of God and your friends and family. People do not believe in better or worse or richer or poorer. When it comes to finances, the divorce laws in the US do not favor the man and the women simply wants to run off with his money instead of trying to work it out. 

3) What do you think are acceptable reasons for a divorce?

A; Abuse of any kind, which essentially include serial cheating.

4) If you have been through a divorce, how was it? Some people say that it scars you emotionally and spiritually, while others say that it was the best thing that ever happened to them. Try to be as honest as you can.

A: I may be a bit scarred permanently as my ex wife just gave up on me when our problems were very fixable. I have realized there is very little loyalty anymore and I will not allow myself to go through that again. I feel very content where I am at and am in no hurry to remarry, if at all. 

I'm just trying to understand a little more about why people get divorced, if they initially thought it was acceptable, what tipped them over the edge, etc.

My mom has been divorced ~6-7 times (can't remember precisely). She is extremely different from me, and I want to understand her a little bit more. I'm hoping that the answers that you all will give me might help me come to a better understanding of the mindset and thoughts of someone who goes through marriages like that.

A; Some people feel they need to be in a relationship to be complete. While myself and I'm sure many others want that close human interaction, my divorce has made me realize that I do not need a relationship to feel complete. Life can be very fulfilling without and right now I enjoy each day as it comes. To be honest, to be free and do as you please while casually dating has been very fun and I will not let a women who is not a blood family member dictate how I will run my life.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Aggie said:


> Although my parents have influenced me in how marriages should be, I believe that most of those influences have led me to act differently from them rather similarly.


:iagree:

My own father has been married 3 times... My mother once. I never wanted to get married myself, because I saw it as impermanent and painful. Because of the way my mom was in her marriage to my father, I felt I should "stand by my husband", however out of line he should be. (Learning about boundaries and reprogramming takes A LOT of work and I still haven't mastered it). In a way, I am determined not to be my mother, and in a way, I already am. (If that makes sense).

Our parents are our marriage role models...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Aggie said:


> 1) Do you view marriage as a lifetime commitment? *Yes* If you are divorced, did you view it as a lifetime as a lifetime commitment at the alter?
> 
> 2) Why do you think so many marriages end in divorce? *Resentment of how things are versus the fantasy of how they wanted it to be.*
> 
> ...


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> :iagree:
> 
> My own father has been married 3 times... My mother once. I never wanted to get married myself, because I saw it as impermanent and painful. Because of the way my mom was in her marriage to my father, I felt I should "stand by my husband", however out of line he should be. (Learning about boundaries and reprogramming takes A LOT of work and I still haven't mastered it). In a way, I am determined not to be my mother, and in a way, I already am. (If that makes sense).
> 
> ...


I think I can kind of see what you're saying. I know that there are things my father did that I sometime have the tendency to do, but in other things I am completely different. 

I would like to think I took the good of both of my parents' marriages and figured out how to do the rest, but I know that's not completely true. I guess by default your parents' marriage is the template for your marriage, but you can still make conscious decisions to do otherwise.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

1. I took my vows seriously and believe in for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, which goes beyond just physical health. Mental health is no excuses to throw in the towel and specifically a mental glitch like a Mid Life Crisis.

2. Mid Life Crisis. I think resentment, infidelities and many of the wayward behaviors primarily come from the unhappiness of the Mid Life Crisis or versions of it. Which is a form of depression. Which is a Mental illness. .......through sickness and health!

3. I think most of the reasons people divorce are unneccesary, when patience is all that is needed to weather the storm. There are solid reasons like actual abuse and the threat to their safety.

4. A study showed that of those who divorce only 19% said they were happier 5 years later and of those who stayed married 80% were happier that they had hung in there.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Aggie said:


> I guess by default your parents' marriage is the template for your marriage


I guess so... but then you have someone like me who's parents have been married forever and have a great marriage and I got divorced. My exH's parents are also still married and very loving to eachother.

So... everyone's experiences are different.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Aggie said:


> 1) Do you view marriage as a lifetime commitment? If you are divorced, did you view it as a lifetime as a lifetime commitment at the alter?
> 
> 2) Why do you think so many marriages end in divorce?
> 
> ...


1. yes, i am divorced, but I view marriage as a lifetime commitment. She asked for it, and there was nothing I could do about it. It takes two to marry, but only one to divorce.

2. So many end in divorce because nobody takes them as seriously as they once did. It's all about an exciting life anymore. I've had preachers tell me that they have had people come and ask them to marry them with the attitude of, "We think it will work, if it doesn't, we can always get divorced later." When someone starts with that attitude, they don't take marriage very seriously.

3. Acceptable; cheating or abuse. I don't go for this "I'm not happy anymore" just because the bread isn't buttered correctly as an acceptable reason.

4.The emotion i had the most was puzzlement. I didn't understand how a woman i thought I knew for 18 years could divorce and split up two beautiful kids over basically nothing.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This is me said:


> 3. I think most of the reasons people divorce are unneccesary
> 
> 4. A study showed that of those who divorce only 19% said they were happier 5 years later and of those who stayed married 80% were happier that they had hung in there.


Again, most divorces are not mutual. So while one party may have felt the D was unnecessary, the other didn't and so on and so on. 

Generally, 1 person wants out and the other doesn't believe in divorce and has zero choice in the matter. 

And a marriage cannot stay together if one person wants and gets a divorce. It's as simple as that. 

I have read that study before too (about the 5 years later).


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## wxman3441 (Aug 30, 2012)

southbound said:


> 1. yes, i am divorced, but I view marriage as a lifetime commitment. She asked for it, and there was nothing I could do about it. It takes two to marry, but only one to divorce.
> 
> 2. So many end in divorce because nobody takes them as seriously as they once did. It's all about an exciting life anymore. I've had preachers tell me that they have had people come and ask them to marry them with the attitude of, "We think it will work, if it doesn't, we can always get divorced later." When someone starts with that attitude, they don't take marriage very seriously.
> 
> ...


Very similar to how mine ended but mine was only a year. She did not take the vows seriously and the split occurred over very minor issues that could have been easily fixed. Sorry it didnt work out for you. The fact that one person is so quick to throw in the towel is why I likely wont remarry.


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

wxman3441 said:


> Very similar to how mine ended but mine was only a year. She did not take the vows seriously and the split occurred over very minor issues that could have been easily fixed. Sorry it didnt work out for you. The fact that one person is so quick to throw in the towel is why I likely wont remarry.


Wow, that really sucks for both of you. I don't know if I'm lucky or if something like this is going to happen way down the road.


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## wxman3441 (Aug 30, 2012)

Aggie said:


> Wow, that really sucks for both of you. I don't know if I'm lucky or if something like this is going to happen way down the road.


It's not that I think EVERY marriage fails. It doesn't. My brother and his wife are a great example. Aside from loving each other unconditionally they accept each others flaws. They deal with issues head on and don't let outside distractions influence their decisions and feelings for each other. 

Sadly that is the exception and not the norm. Society has told us that is normal if not OK to simply move on when the going gets tough. The best excuse my ex came up with for why she wanted to move on was that I'm too negative sometimes and that was on the heels of a very trying year.

I mean look at shows like The Bachelor/Bachelorette. It's no secret why divorce rates or so high. Nope, I think I'll stay single for a nice while


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

wxman3441 said:


> I mean look at shows like The Bachelor/Bachelorette.


I have very violent thoughts when that show is on. I especially want to strangle the person that does the music. Every awkward and stupid moment on that show has music in the background that manipulates people into believing everything they do is "romantic".

*End Rant*


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> 1) Do you view marriage as a lifetime commitment? If you are divorced, did you view it as a lifetime as a lifetime commitment at the alter?


I view a lifelong marriage as a GOAL we should all strive for, but that many will NOT achieve (not unlike self-improvement which we should ALL strive for but in which we ALL fall short fairly frequently.) At the altar, I DID view it as a lifelong commitment (and tried, unsuccessfully, to achieve it.)



> 2) Why do you think so many marriages end in divorce?


 I think a lifetime with ANYONE is difficult to do; there are some days where I don't even like myself  For many generations, marriage was a necessity for survival (women NEEDED men to provide food and protection; men NEEDED women to provide other necessary WORK like food preparation, food preservation, hide preparation for clothing, etc. that men COULD NOT DO while they were OFF HUNTING - it was a symbiotic relationship.) This is NO LONGER TRUE - there is no 'necessity' to be married.



> 3) What do you think are acceptable reasons for a divorce?


I try not to judge others; if someone wants out, they should leave. And you should WANT them to leave. I don't want someone to stay with me who doesn't want to be there! I am a great woman, and if he can't see it, then he doesn't deserve me! :smthumbup:



> 4) If you have been through a divorce, how was it? Some people say that it scars you emotionally and spiritually, while others say that it was the best thing that ever happened to them. Try to be as honest as you can.


Husband #1 and I divorced after he admitted lying about wanting children. After a few weeks of anger on my part, our divorce was VERY amicable. Kids were a deal-breaker with me, so we WERE FINISHED (which he KNEW...hence the reason he lied in the first place.)

Husband #2 I just left in May 2012. After 20+ years, I could no longer tolerate his extreme selfishness. I realized that NOTHING would change. I'm in my mid-50's and I'd like to NOT BE BROKE when I reach 65; I'd like to do some of the things I think are fun/important (go to museums, go to a ballgame, live near a metropolitan area...the kind of things that I think make MY LIFE worth living.) For too many years, I felt I was just existing, not really living; the closer you get to death, the more you re-evaluate your life. This one has been UGLY (and the divorce hasn't even started); he is VERY self-centered, VERY petty and vindictive and has dragged our teen-aged daughter through cr*p she shouldn't have had to listen to/deal with JUST BECAUSE he's angry with me that I left him. He was a poor husband and a mediocre-to-poor father, and NOTHING has changed that. THAT is my biggest regret - that I gave my daughter a cr*ppy father.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Aggie said:


> Wow, that really sucks for both of you. I don't know if I'm lucky or if something like this is going to happen way down the road.


See, these comments prove my point that divorce is almost never mutual. It only takes 1 person to divorce.



Aggie said:


> I have very violent thoughts when that show is on.


Don't watch the show then


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> For many generations, marriage was a necessity for survival (women NEEDED men to provide food and protection; men NEEDED women to provide other necessary WORK like food preparation, food preservation, hide preparation for clothing, etc. that men COULD NOT DO while they were OFF HUNTING - it was a symbiotic relationship.) This is NO LONGER TRUE - there is no 'necessity' to be married.


So, you don't think mankind has a basic need to love and be loved?


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Don't watch the show then


I wish I could avoid it . My wife watches it, and then there are teaser clips on commercials on nearly every network.


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

Aggie said:


> 1) Do you view marriage as a lifetime commitment? If you are divorced, did you view it as a lifetime as a lifetime commitment at the alter?


Marriage is by definition an assumed lifetime gig. I'm always an optimist. 



Aggie said:


> 2) Why do you think so many marriages end in divorce?



Un-reasonable expectations by couples, family, religion, and society
Jealousy and infidelity
We live way longer than our societal institutions evolved to expect. When we lived until 65 and began to experience serious old age diseases in our 30s, a lifetime commitment made sense and divorce could be unimagibley cruel
people change



Aggie said:


> 3) What do you think are acceptable reasons for a divorce?


Abuse, infidelity, sexual incompatibility, emotional incompatibility, falling out of love



Aggie said:


> 4) If you have been through a divorce, how was it? Some people say that it scars you emotionally and spiritually, while others say that it was the best thing that ever happened to them. Try to be as honest as you can.


it was very painful, but remaining in my marriage would have been far more painful than the divorce process. i believe remaining in relationship because you think you should (despite all evidence and common sense) can be far worse than divorce. 


i also think that you should (there'd that word again) make sure you have tried to work things out before tossing in the towel.

i was, truly, far more emotionally scarred by staying in my marriage for years beyond its expiry date because "i thought i should."


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## CynicalMate (Sep 12, 2012)

Aggie said:


> 1) Do you view marriage as a lifetime commitment? If you are divorced, did you view it as a lifetime as a lifetime commitment at the alter?
> 
> 2) Why do you think so many marriages end in divorce?
> 
> ...


1) Not anymore. I did, once, but that hope doesn't really fit our society today. I chose not to be married again, so I guess it's like I'm married to myself for life. 

2) For women, Facebook. It's a gateway to past loves, relationships, and memories of happier times. I have several friends whose wives cheated on them with an old fling.

For men, Facebook. It's a gateway to past loves, relationships, and memories of happier times. I have several friends whose husbands cheated on them with an old fling.

:rofl:

Seriously, the issues haven't changed all that much. Diverging interests, incompatible life goals, money, infidelity, etc. Getting married too young greatly increases the chances of divorce in my opinion, since you have no idea how you and your wife will change throughout your 20's and into your 30's.

3) Abuse, emotional or physical. If there is no abuse, try to find a way to make it work! See #4 for why.

4) Divorce is one of the most difficult things you can ever go through in life if you actually care about the other person. The only thing more difficult is losing a child. My divorce messed me up emotionally for years, and I still wake up in the middle of the night sad about it sometimes. We had kids, and the hardest thing about it was losing daily contact with them. If someone has kids, I would plead with them to keep the marriage going at all costs. My divorce is low-conflict and my ex and I co-parent effectively, but the negative effect on our children is incontrovertible. I am haunted by memories of my children crying for me to stay with them and mommy when my visitation time was over. It makes me tear up a little bit now to think about it, and this is 7 years later.

The divorce was largely my fault, and I wish to God I could go back and repair my mistakes. It's a life experience I can chalk up to the folly of being young and getting married too soon I guess.


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