# Crossroad in my marriage



## annafaith (Dec 8, 2015)

Im in a different stage of our marriage. Im married for 12 years. Then my ex boyfriend and you could say my first love and heartache had an accidental meeting. He was still singla Nd had multiple relationships after us. He said his life was destroyed because we parted ways. We had a 4 yr relationship but it ended because he had another girl for 2 years. Now we still talk and my plan was to be friends with him to show him im ok and im better off that i diddnt marry him. Unfortunately he lets me feel he wants and still loves me and i cant help think of him. I feel helpless since i dont feel this thrill with my husband since he is so focused on his business and hardly dates me. Now what should i do. I think i still love my ex<br />
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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

You need to tell your husband what you are doing and how you are feeling. You are essentially having an emotional affair with your ex and your husband - no matter how involved in his work or the fact that he doesn't date you - deserves to know. 

You're on a slippery slope down hill that's going to pick up speed. 

Fess up to your husband, tell him what's going on and go to counseling. You're in a position to save your marriage at this point by confronting it with honesty. Do it. Don't make the mistake so many of us have.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

Why do you want to ruin a marriage of 12 years for a guy who had a side piece for half of your 4 year relationship and haven't seen in years? Seems self destructive.

And don't BS people, you are not keeping in contact with him to show him your life is better. Be honest, you're in contact with him because you're beginning an emotional affair with a likely physical affair not far behind.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Stay away from the EX. It did not work the first time. It will not work this time.

If you you really think you are in love with your EX, and you are ready to toss your marriage, tell your husband that you do not love him and want a divorce and tell him why. You at least owe him the truth.

Do not "date" your Ex until after the divorce. Tell your Ex you are ready give up your family and marry him.

PS - you are not in love with the Ex - you are mad at your husband because he is spending too much time working to support your family. If you do not appreciate his efforts and love him for his sacrifice for your family- let him go.

You are about to make a big decision in your life that will affect you and those around you for years to come. Think it through.

Any kids?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Your ex is a loser who will drag you do with him. He will cheat on you again in 6 months. Tell him under no circumstances do you even want to talk to hm. 

Fight for your marriage !! Warn your husband you may divorce. Demand a separation and MC and follow though. He will assume there is an OM. Use MC to set ground rule,

See Day1's thread,


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## annafaith (Dec 8, 2015)

TDSC60 said:


> Stay away from the EX. It did not work the first time. It will not work this time.
> 
> If you you really think you are in love with your EX, and you are ready to toss your marriage, tell your husband that you do not love him and want a divorce and tell him why. You at least owe him the truth.
> 
> ...


Have 4. We saw each other 15 years after our breakup. When we broke up, i was depressed for 2 years thus my eldest daughter was the fruit of somebody i fronted to show my ex that i already moved on but at that time i was pretending i was.

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## annafaith (Dec 8, 2015)

So my eldest is not my husband's but my hubby accepted her as his own

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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

And you're willing to throw that away? What is wrong with you?

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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I cannot think of anything to add that the others have already covered. Look, all marriages go through the valleys. It cannot always be mountaintops. The sign of a truly committed adult is that they are able to weather and wait out these dry periods and know that good times can come again if they put the work into it.

You need to end this infatuation before it gets away from you. You are a married adult woman. Act like one. 

Tell your exBF to buzz off and never contact you again. 

Go to your husband and tell him you are not happy with the marriage, and that you have had thoughts of stepping out on him. Be honest. Quit hiding your unhappiness. 

Get yourself into independent counseling to find the root of your unhappiness. It may not even be your husband or marriage. It may just be you. 

Then get yourself and your husband into marriage counseling to see if there are any ways to spice up your relationship and improve your communication and partnership. You married your husband because you were in love with him once. You and him can get that old feeling back. It just takes work and dedication.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

annafaith said:


> So my eldest is not my husband's but my hubby accepted her as his own
> 
> Sent from my EKOPHONE 5.10 using Tapatalk


Yeah. He's a good man. 

The azzhole exBF you have been flirting with is not a good man. He is trying to steal another man's wife and destroy a marriage.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

annafaith said:


> So my eldest is not my husband's but my hubby accepted her as his own
> 
> Sent from my EKOPHONE 5.10 using Tapatalk


So your husband accepted a child that you had outside of the marriage? And he now works hard to support you and your four children including another man's kid? But he doesn't date you as much as you like so you are now in love with some loser from your past who cheated on you basically the entire relationship? Did I summarize the situation here?

You are about to do a number on that poor husband of yours, feel bad for him. He has no idea of the destruction you're about to rain down on him.


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## annafaith (Dec 8, 2015)

Oh my God guys! All of you are right. I guess it will be my mistake not my ex if this relationship would go wrong. I guess it hurts because i was emotional and lonely and thinking that maybe my ex was the answer to my prayers. But he will just add to my problems. But please please more advice. But thanks for all those who helped. Each one of you opened my heart and mjnd

at my desk


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

annafaith said:


> Im in a different stage of our marriage. Im married for 12 years. Then my ex boyfriend and you could say my first love and heartache had an accidental meeting. He was still singla Nd had multiple relationships after us. He said his life was destroyed because we parted ways. *We had a 4 yr relationship but it ended because he had another girl for 2 years.* Now we still talk and my plan was to be friends with him to show him im ok and im better off that i diddnt marry him. Unfortunately he lets me feel he wants and still loves me and i cant help think of him. I feel helpless since i dont feel this thrill with my husband since he is so focused on his business and hardly dates me. Now what should i do. I think i still love my ex


You're thinking of leaving your husband and family for an ex that cheated on you...?

Seriously...?!?


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

annafaith said:


> Oh my God guys! All of you are right. I guess it will be my mistake not my ex if this relationship would go wrong. I guess it hurts because i was emotional and lonely and thinking that maybe my ex was the answer to my prayers. But he will just add to my problems. But please please more advice. But thanks for all those who helped. Each one of you opened my heart and mjnd
> 
> at my desk


Talk to your husband, he may be completely unaware you're not happy, bringing in a 3rd party will not help you. If you're really unhappy divorce and start fresh. You don't want your kids to know that you cheated on Daddy and that's why you're no longer married. It will do a real number on any sons you have, they will resent you and likely build a real resentment towards women in general.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Imagine looking into your husbands eyes and seeing them filled with crushing pain, imagine realizing how much your husband really loves you because of how hurt he is.

Imagine how it would feel to know that you put that pain and hurt in his eyes by being unfaithful to him, and you cant undo it or ever take it away.

Imagine the hurt in you childrens eyes...


Invest in your marriage, talk with your husband.
Tell him your needs, tell him you married him to be with HIM, not to just be his wife or the mother of his children.

Reconnect.

I really wish you well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Talk to your husband. I had talked to mine several times and nothing ever changed. He had made comments to me and nothing ever changed.

Do you know what woke me up to wanting to change the things my husband had a problem with? Instead of trying for a week and then falling back into old ways? 

Him telling me he wanted a separation. 

I don't think most people realize how bad it is until they're faced with things ending. I never knew my husband had so many issues with me. I would only get comments like "I can't do this anymore!" I always thought he just meant he couldn't bicker about things anymore. Or he couldn't share money with me anymore. I never knew the "THIS" he couldn't do was our marriage, until it was too late. Then I felt slighted because he never gave me a real chance to fix anything because he didn't really TALK to me until it was too late. 

So when you talk to your husband, you need to tell him that your unhappiness has gotten to the point that you actually feel like ending things. That you are contemplating separation. That your unhappiness was close to pushing you into the arms of someone else. 

You BOTH need a wake up call. Good luck to you.


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## Finwe (Nov 5, 2015)

Talk and communicate with your husband. Tell him gently and sweetly your desires and needs. Tell him everything...even the hard things. I think you might be surprised. Seek what you are feeling with ex from your husband. Take a class, read books, study TAM, anything.

COMMUNICATE!!!!!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

One common element we see with the wayward wives who have come here is when they tell us how shocked and surprised they were to find out just how much their husbands actually loved and adored them once they revealed their adultery. To a woman they were completely unprepared for the devastation and utter despair their husbands felt when they found out.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

annafaith said:


> Oh my God guys! All of you are right. I guess it will be my mistake not my ex if this relationship would go wrong. I guess it hurts because i was emotional and lonely and thinking that maybe my ex was the answer to my prayers. But he will just add to my problems. But please please more advice. But thanks for all those who helped. Each one of you opened my heart and mjnd
> 
> at my desk


Now go talk to your H. He is probably unaware of your feelings and thinks all is ok. He can not work on what he does not know about.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I have to ask.

Do you look at your husband as a rebound relationship?

Do you think that you "settled" for your husband because you could not have your Ex?

Was marriage to your husband motivated by love for your husband or by a feeling of trying to move on from the destructive relationship with the Ex?

Asking because from the time frame of your first post you concluded that you think you are still in love with your Ex fairly quickly and your thoughts of keeping in touch with him were an attempt to show HIM that you have done better and have moved on. The first post is ALL ABOUT THE EX.

Nothing about your husband, your marriage or your kids.

I am on the verge of saying the best thing for your husband would be divorce since it appears that he is filling the role of second prize without knowing it. 

Let us know your thoughts. Are you in love with your husband?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Anna when you think about the road you may want to remember what my grandmaw Angelique use to tell her granddaughters, "You gals best pay attention to dis vielle and keep in mind that just cuz a old bo claims he still loves after all dees years probably mean he just want to see if he can still git in your britches".


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## annafaith (Dec 8, 2015)

TDSC60 said:


> I have to ask.
> 
> Do you look at your husband as a rebound relationship?
> 
> ...


I guess i just fell in love with him while at the marriage itself be cause he is really great. But i think i m more in love with my ex before. I thought 15 years amd marrying would change all that. What made me happy was that he never married and was trying yo get somebody to love him like i did. Well that was what my ex said. Bit never did i see any effort witjim the 15 years we were apart

at my desk


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## annafaith (Dec 8, 2015)

ThePheonix said:


> Anna when you think about the road you may want to remember what my grandmaw Angelique use to tell her granddaughters, "You gals best pay attention to dis vielle and keep in mind that just cuz a old bo claims he still loves after all dees years probably mean he just want to see if he can still git in your britches".


You're probably right. He asked me if we could meet in our lovenest before without awkwardness. But we never met till now

at my desk


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

annafaith said:


> I guess i just fell in love with him while at the marriage itself be cause he is really great. But i think i m more in love with my ex before. I thought 15 years amd marrying would change all that. *What made me happy was that he never married and was trying yo get somebody to love him like i did.* Well that was what my ex said. Bit never did i see any effort witjim the 15 years we were apart
> 
> at my desk


Sounds like a line to get you where he wants you. Sorry, for him to say this appears to be contrived as well as corny.


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## annafaith (Dec 8, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> Sounds like a line to get you where he wants you. Sorry, for him to say this appears to be contrived as well as corny.


Yes. Now its corny. Now that i think about it

at my desk


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

annafaith said:


> You're probably right. He asked me if we could meet in our lovenest before without awkwardness. But we never met till now
> 
> at my desk


Are you saying you have already met the Ex for a tryst without your husband knowing?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

annafaith said:


> I guess i just fell in love with him while at the marriage itself be cause he is really great. But i think i m more in love with my ex before. I thought 15 years amd marrying would change all that. What made me happy was that he never married and was trying yo get somebody to love him like i did. Well that was what my ex said. Bit never did i see any effort witjim the 15 years we were apart
> 
> at my desk


You need to choose. Husband or Ex. Don't play around with both until you make up your mind. That just makes you a cheater.

If you can not make up your mind, ask your husband for a legal separation and tell him why, the entire truth with all the details.

He might make the decision easy for you.

At this point I will not offer any advice about how to save your marriage because I am not convinced that you want to save it.


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## annafaith (Dec 8, 2015)

TDSC60 said:


> Are you saying you have already met the Ex for a tryst without your husband knowing?


We were planning to see eachother. But never did

at my desk


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Annafaith,

Please understand no one is saying stay in a bad marriage. We saying adultery is never the answer. A marriage can survive almost anything but adultery. Stand and fight for yourself, your family and your marriage. You need to walk in your husbands shoes, and he your's,


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You are a mother of 4 children. You don't get to think with your vagina any more.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

annafaith said:


> We were planning to see eachother. But never did
> 
> at my desk


I recommend you stay at your desk. 

At the end of the day if your marriage is not working and you have given it 100% plus honest with your H allowing him to make the changes you would like then consider parting ways. Infidelity is not the good path to take. Your H, at the very least, deserves some respect.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

annafaith said:


> We were planning to see eachother. But never did
> 
> at my desk


Why did you not meet?


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## annafaith (Dec 8, 2015)

TDSC60 said:


> Why did you not meet?


I am hesitant. I think im not prepared for him

at my desk


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

So, you are going to put your husband through the same pain your wonderful ex put you through when he cheated on you? 

Nice.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Ahhhh, the first love. The first heartbreak..... The first guy that CHEATED AND DUMPED YOU!! 

Yep, I have one of those too. We dated for six years back-in-the-day. I was dropped like a hot potatoe for another girl. 

Years later, his marriage was failing..... The fishing started....

35 years later, I was, "the best girlfriend he ever had. The one that set the standard for all future women." Barf, barf..

As soon as he got another, more available fish on the line, I wasn't so special then......

Don't make a foolish mistake. 

Be a big girl an talk to your husband about repairing or ending your marriage. What seems like a fun and easy escape, won't be so fun and easy. 
Quit while you're ahead.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm all for recycling but when it comes to relationships......there is a reason they are ex's!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You are not 14 anymore. Are you? 

So, now you are an adult, why are you viewing your married life with the mindset of a girl of 14?
That makes no sense at all.

Dump your ex from your life, reconnect with your husband and do some serious growing up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You are not ready to cheat on your husband and your young children?

You should NEVER be ready to cheat on them. EVER!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Guys...all of the most recent posts have been ending with "at my desk". Sounds like adding the words "in bed" at the end of every Chinese fortune... 

Next!


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## thebirdman (Apr 5, 2014)

Your issues with your husband are fixable. I used to focus mostly on work and ignore my wife, the reasons for which I have spent the last few years steadily unfolding. I don't do that anymore. There are things in my life that I wish I didn't have experience with but sometimes that experience comes in very handy. Wash your hands of this old ex boyfriend. It sounds like you are seeking affirmation from him but you do not need him in your life and he is just going to bring trouble. 

Always be honest with your husband, even if you're afraid what you have to say might hurt. He cannot fix problems he doesn't see and integrity within marriage is essential. 
I promise you, if you have an affair, you will not find what you are looking for and you will regret it. By the time you realize the damage you have done things will have spiraled far outside of your control. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Come on Anna, we're strangers who don't know you and will never see you to judge you in person. As bad as your story sounds, I think you're holding back. I think you have already hooked up with your ex, but are hesitant to admit it because of the comments. 

If your husband were posting here, asking about his wife acting distant we'd be telling him to start digging for evidence but to not ignore his gut. And if he admitted that his wife cheated and got pregnant from the POS, we would tell him to dump you immediately. 

For many years, you've been a wife and mother. A privileged status especially if you have a loving and hard working husband. You through that away a few years ago to be some random guys plaything in a twisted plot to get your ex jealous. Somehow your husband, probably for the sake of the 3 kids that are his, has accepted the WORST type of betrayal possible and saved you from being a single mom of 4 from 2 different men. Not a desirable status but one which you deserved.

But that's not enough. You now are betraying your husband and kids AGAIN to be with a true Piece of $hit. Only a scvm of the earth would pursue a married mother of 4. That's who you're pining away for? When this guy tires of banging you, he'll toss you aside but by then, you'll be talking about how you never loved your husband and need a divorce. To betray your husband like that again with no though of your kids? What kind of person do you want to continue being? Is the only thing that matters your sex life?


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## annafaith (Dec 8, 2015)

More more please

at my desk


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## Kobold (Dec 5, 2015)

annafaith said:


> More more please
> 
> at my desk


Not to be combative, but what else can be said? Why not just tell your husband what you did, why you did it and get it over with? Until you've done that there really isn't anywhere else to go, you'll just be stuck in neutral indefinitely.


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