# Husband Quit his job over a year ago without talking to me about it



## singleincome40yroldkid (Dec 15, 2014)

Hello - this is my first time posting anything on any forum really - but I am looking for opinions - advice - and I'm not sure what else. Last July - I got home from work to find my husband at home - which he usually was when I got home from work. One of the first things he told me was that he had quit his job that afternoon. My initial reaction was disbelief! I mean I had not heard a peep of this plan. We started to talk further about it - and I learned that he was feeling blue - he hadn't like working for a relatively new boss he had (he was an electrician) and the location that he was working at was a messy plant. I knew that he hadn't been liking the new job site ... but I had no idea this is where it would end. Later it would come out that he was feeling depressed and he had spoken to his work about it - so he hadn't really quit - he has just taken some time off .... as a month passed, I asked if maybe he should go and see a therapist or something - and perhaps ask for a short-term leave while he got to a better place ... it wasn't finally until November that he made an appointment with his family dr. to discuss his depression - he went several times - and his family dr prescribed him and anti-depressant. within a week or two - his mood had improved, he was more social, we did more together - it felt like I had my husband back finally (we had been married for 8 yrs at this time). In January - he decided to take himself off the medication because he didn't like the idea of being on it regularly. He carried on going to speak to his family dr about his feelings for the first while - and then stopped - all during these visits he never told his dr that he had walked from his job. Throughout this - I learned that one major factor affecting him was the fact that we had fertility issues. So we began the process to look further into those to find a possible course of action. The other issue that he had with this is the fact that I wasn't pushing for children. there are 6.5 years between us (he was 40 - and I was 34). It is not that I do not want children - it is that I never wanted the sole responsibility for them - and at the end of it all - I was ok with the idea of not having my own if we could not. I felt that he needed to be a good husband to me first - because I did not want too ever be a single mum (not that most do) because I was afraid of not being strong enough. So- we began the process of finding out what our issues were - to learn that they were issues of low sperm count. This did not help his mood - however - he always seems to take a backseat to issues that he could be the driver on .... the long and short of this is - its been over a year now - we still have a fertility issue, however we have an appointment with a fertility specialist in January to look at our other options - but he is still out of work. He has no income coming in - spends out of our joint account (now just my other account) without talking to me - has NO intention of going back to work ... when I bring it up I am accused of not supporting him...and it is not that he couldn't work - work is available, and he is capable. I guess I am sitting on a big cloud of resentment - I did not sign up for a marriage this way - I never wanted to be the sole provider - it bugs me that I was not have part in the decision. That he altered our future without even discussing with me. It's not like he does things around the house consistently either - he may make dinner once every two months .... I pay for a house cleaner - I still take out the garbage. I can cover all bills and still provide a nice life for us on my income alone .... but he has to do SOMETHING doesn't he. And kids .... when I have no support in any aspect ... emotional/financial/household responsibilities .... I THINK NOT! It's my worst fear. I am really at a loss - I stand here and I look at what feels is the end of my marriage ... Do I put him on an 'allowance' type deal ... and I don't mean to sound selfish - but he will never have money to take me out again, or surprise me, or birthday presents/christmas or a coffee ... anything ....


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Why would you even consider having children with someone who arbitrarily quits his job, and fails to tell you, spends money you work hard for on whatever he wants without ever discussing it with you. You pay a cleaner and do the cooking and household chores while he sits on his a$$. Why would you even consider bringing a child into this mess?

What do you get out of this "marriage?" Sounds like a 40YO spoiled brat. Go see a shark-like attorney and dump his a$$. In fact, go have that free initial consultation with ALL the shark-like divorce attorneys in your area. This prevents them from being able to represent him. Empty all the accounts and put your money in a new one,in a new bank, where your H cannot get at it. Then file for divorce.

IamSomebody


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I know of a person in a similar situation. After many years of excuses she finally told her H that she did not what a "House Husband". Get off his dead arse and get a job. He is now working.


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## singleincome40yroldkid (Dec 15, 2014)

Oh I am not saying that I would proceed to having children - I think that knowing or having found that there was an issue is almost a blessing in disguise as rotten as that may sound - I will not bring a child into this at all! I think that I am coming to the fact that there is nothing for me in this marriage - I think the only thing that is keeping me here is the fact that 17 years of my life have been here! (dated for 7 - married for almost 10).


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## singleincome40yroldkid (Dec 15, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> I know of a person in a similar situation. After many years of excuses she finally told her H that she did not what a "House Husband". Get off his dead arse and get a job. He is now working.


Yes - and I have done that but maybe not with all seriousness I need to ... we no longer seem to converse well together - so I will need to have this hard conversation over the holidays.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Sounds a bit familiar. My ex quit his last job (he had been fired from the prior job). I had no say. He was depressed, but for him it was major recurrent depression that devolved into psychosis. I did finally get him to an MD and on some meds that helped. But he lied to me about so many aspects of his life, his health, his attempts at finding work, and his girlfriends. After about a year and a half I discovered multiple As, some PA some EA.

So I had a WS who lied about every major aspect of his life, refused consistent treatment, wasn't working, and became abusive and preferred the company of other women. I divorced him. He remains remorseless for his behavior. 

Put your foot down. I kept hoping things would improve, that he would see how much his family needed him. I was wrong. Draw the line in the sand about what you are willing to put up with and have the talk.


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## singleincome40yroldkid (Dec 15, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> Sounds a bit familiar. My ex quit his last job (he had been fired from the prior job). I had no say.


I guess I just find the whole thing extremely selfish - and I don't understand how when being in a partnership that there is no consideration. I mean - that's a big deal! How does that decision get made alone!? There are so many things to be discussed prior to that decision .... I just feel so discounted out of the relationship.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

I would cancel the appointment with the fertility specialist now. Then sit him down and tell him either he gets a job and into counseling or on meds, or YOU are gone. 

To accuse YOU of not supporting him when you insist he gets up and finds work? What, exactly, are you supposed to be supporting him in? Sitting around on his butt? Wallowing in a chit pit of his own making? That is a selfish, spoiled brat. He is not a husband; he's a 40-year-old child who wants a Mommy taking care of him. That is ridiculous.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My husband was laid off in a mass layoff at work. So his being unemployed was not his doing. BUT... once off of work he did what your husband is doing.. NOTHING. I ended up supporting my son, his 2 children and him for 10 years while he sat on his can playing on the computer.

Don't be stupid like I was.

Do not put any more money in the account that he has access to except to cover what he needs to job hunting.

Then tell him he has 30 days to get a job or get out. And you have to mean it.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Sorry you are in this situation. ..its not to far off what happened to me 5 yrs ago...

My exh was fired from his job (lol but told everyone he was laid off, including me) he then proceeded to sit on his a$$ for two years and play video games night and day. We had a 2 yr old child at the time and he refused to even watch him during the day. The one day a week he would agree to, he would drop the child off at my parents house, since he was too "busy". Meanwhile I soley supported the house and had my child in almost full time day care. I would beg him to get a job, even got to the point that I was filling out job applications for him... I truly tried everything, nothing worked. Additionally, he only ocassionally cooked or cleaned. I did the allowance thing with him cause he still felt free to spend our money, that just caused resentment on both sides.

Finally, the worst of it was that he ended up having a EA turned into PA. Divorced 2 yrs after he lost the job. Like you I was with him since I was young, so it was hard ending it.

Your smart, dont have kids with him..you are already taking care of one child.

Fyi..ive been D for almost 3 yrs now and life has been much better without him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Don't have any children. You'll definitely make matters worse; that is, for you. You'll be saddled financially with a child and an unemployed husband. You might as well be a single mother with two children. As your husband is depressed, who knows if he will be able to find a job or keep one. If you stay with him, maybe your marriage will improved. With children, your life will be a bit complicated.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

singleincome40yroldkid said:


> I think the only thing that is keeping me here is the fact that 17 years of my life have been here! (dated for 7 - married for almost 10).


All the more reason to leave. Now. You've blown 17 years, and that is your rationale to waste more????

If you had some return to show on your investment - like a husband who was a real partner - then I'd say hang in there. But there comes a time to cut your losses.

Cut. Your. Losses. 

Seriously.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

unsure78 said:


> Sorry you are in this situation. ..its not to far off what happened to me 5 yrs ago...
> 
> My exh was fired from his job (lol but told everyone he was laid off, including me)


Generally, the way to know if they were laid off or fired is if they received a severance packet. At this point it's the only reason that I believe that my ex was laid off.. that big severance check.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Same thing happened to me OP. Wife laid off, next thing you know she's popping out kids and I'm the sole support for a family of five. Of course men are supposed to accept it. It's all great until you realize what equal really means.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

sunvalley said:


> I would cancel the appointment with the fertility specialis:iagree:t now. Then sit him down and tell him either he gets a job and into counseling or on meds, or YOU are gone.
> 
> To accuse YOU of not supporting him when you insist he gets up and finds work? What, exactly, are you supposed to be supporting him in? Sitting around on his butt? Wallowing in a chit pit of his own making? That is a selfish, spoiled brat. He is not a husband; he's a 40-year-old child who wants a Mommy taking care of him. That is ridiculous.


:iagree:

He needs to see you as his other half- the side he is letting down enormously by acting this way. He will only have himself to blame when the only redeeming quality left in his life walks away!
You need to cancel the appointment for January and inform him that if this is something he really wants then he has to literally WORK FOR IT.
Tell him word for word what you have told us and give him a deadline. He won't like it but if he argues then tell him its not just future children on the line its the whole entire relationship. 
Be prepared to leave


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Same thing happened to me OP. Wife laid off, next thing you know she's popping out kids and I'm the sole support for a family of five. Of course men are supposed to accept it. It's all great until you realize what equal really means.


Your and your wife had an agreement that she would pop out babies and be a SAHM, right?

The OP has no such agreement with her husband. And the last time I checked, men cannot pop out babies. So not only is her husband not popping babies, he also is not taking care of the house, etc.

There have been men on TAM who expect their wife to work, that was the agreement they had. A couple makes this decision together.... not unilaterally.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Agreement? Lol no I was informed. No matter. It's what we do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Agreement? Lol no I was informed. No matter. It's what we do.


We do? Who is we?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> We do? Who is we?



You and me apparently.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You and me apparently.





WorkingOnMe said:


> Agreement? Lol no I was informed. No matter. It's what we do.


Nope, you and I don't do anything.

Who is the "we" in that last sentence? It is not clear.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

We are the people who are expected to take on the responsibility of being a provider whether we want it or not. Mostly that means men although occasionally a woman such as yourself gets thrown in.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

singleincome40yroldkid said:


> I guess I just find the whole thing extremely selfish


It *is* selfish.



singleincome40yroldkid said:


> ... and I don't understand how when being in a partnership that there is no consideration. I mean - that's a big deal! How does that decision get made alone!?


It IS a big deal ... and there was no consideration of you. 

This kind of situation happens when the selfish person decides they just don't want to be a grownup anymore ... and they want everyone else to take care of them while they find themselves ... find the perfect job (which doesn't exist) ... play video games 18 hours a day ... start affairs. Whatever the case may be in their minds. (Please understand I am *not* accusing your husband of starting affairs.) And believe me, he'll try justifying it seven ways from Sunday.

I'm curious now, though. Has he been/was he like this throughout your dating and marriage? Not necessarily with work .... but in other areas. Just up and quitting things without discussing it with you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> We are the people who are expected to take on the responsibility of being a provider whether we want it or not. Mostly that means men although occasionally a woman such as yourself gets thrown in.


Today, 40% of women married women earn more than their husbands and 70% of married women work to help provide for their families.

This does not cover the sizable number of single mothers.

And 51% of women are not married. So clearly, very few women today are supported by men.

I think that things have changed a lot since the 1950's.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Same thing happened to me OP. Wife laid off, next thing you know she's popping out kids and I'm the sole support for a family of five. Of course men are supposed to accept it. It's all great until you realize what equal really means.


Was your wife at least taking care of the kids? My ex refused to watch our son, so he was in daycare 4 out of 5 days a week when he was out of a job.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Generally, the way to know if they were laid off or fired is if they received a severance packet. At this point it's the only reason that I believe that my ex was laid off.. that big severance check.


 I figured out when I went to file for unemployment benefits for him...

It ok though, honestly much happier now ...All I worry about taking care of is myself and son


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

unsure78 said:


> I figured out when I went to file for unemployment benefits for him...
> 
> It ok though, honestly much happier now ...All I worry about taking care of is myself and son


Wow, Unsure, sadly I know how you feel.
When my ex lost the first job I really had to nag him into filing for unemployment, which he eventually did. Then found out why he was really "let go" when his claim was denied. It seems you can't curse out your clients and subordinants without repercussions. To this day he maintains it was part of a conspiracy against him. Of course I know now that is his mental illness speaking, but still. 

OP, the thing is, do not assume he sees the situation the same way you do. What he did is not fair, you must tell him. You have reasonable expectations of a partnership in the marriage. Tell him your expectations and how you would expect him to meet those. He has obligations to the family that are not being met, either to you or the kids. Is he looking for other work, if so how? Don't let your resentment build to the point of no return and you lose all respect for the guy.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Same thing happened to me OP. Wife laid off, next thing you know she's popping out kids and I'm the sole support for a family of five. Of course men are supposed to accept it. It's all great until you realize what equal really means.


Please elaborate on how she managed pop out all these kids by herself, since you had no say in any of it. 

They have no kids. Perhaps that's why he wants them, so he can have an excuse to not work. At least she's smart enough not to go that route.

OP, please get rid of this guy and let him sponge off of someone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

What actions can you do to make him understand that this is unacceptable to you?
- Do not see a fertility specialist or have children
- Do not have sex with him becuse it could lead to a child that he cannot support
- Do not allow him access to money
- File for divorce


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## singleincome40yroldkid (Dec 15, 2014)

He has stated that he doesn't plan on going back to work. He informs people that he is retired.

He has been a little bit of an emotional roller coaster - he has highs and real lows. When he is on the high - life is great - when low, everything is wrong. I have always been the calmer, rational one. I just don't know if I have it in me anymore. i just don't feel like he does anything to help in any capacity. If I going to feel alone, and support us alone - wouldn't it just be easier to cut the BS and be alone? Just annoyed, angry and sadden by so much of this.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

It is not your job to carry the entire relationship. Everyone has a line in the sand, and I personally would have left long ago due to my history. I lost my father as a kid and had to work to help my mom out with bills, and someone like him will not fly correctly with me. It is not your job to fix him, to be his mother, and not your job to take all responsibility. You married him thinking he would be a partner, and he did not hold on to his end. He had a long time to change and seek help, but he rather be lazy, and be a victim instead of taking charge of his own life. He is too apathetic. Also you should leave before you have to help with spousal support for a longer period. It is time someone looked after you, and it as well might be you.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

singleincome40yroldkid said:


> He has stated that he doesn't plan on going back to work. He informs people that he is retired.


Let me get this straight. He's an able-bodied 40-year-old man who decided one day he didn't like his messy workplace ... left without consulting you ... and all the while's been carried by you (spending money from your account, having his bills paid without lifting a finger, not facing consequences for what he did). And now he's claiming he's retired?!?!? 

How convenient. He gets to sit around by himself all day, doing whatever the spirit moves him to do whenever he feels like it. And there's you, carrying both of you on YOUR back. Utter insanity. This isn't a marriage. It's devolved into a mommy-son relationship. YOU are his surrogate mother, and he's the lazy teenaged son. (Figuratively speaking)

The "why" really doesn't matter at this point. You are not responsible for what he says or does. However, you are responsible for determining how much more of this you'll put up with. His ACTIONS tell you he is a) selfish and b) cares nothing for how you feel or what you're doing. 



singleincome40yroldkid said:


> If I going to feel alone, and support us alone - wouldn't it just be easier to cut the BS and be alone? Just annoyed, angry and sadden by so much of this.


You have every right to feel annoyed, angry and saddened. I'm sorry you found out the hard way that he's a coward when things get rough. And, he's not a partner or husband.

Don't waste any more time with this cad. His demanding that you "support him" when you tried telling him to get up and find work ... well, that says it all, doesn't it? Tell him if he's retired, he can file for retirement benefits with Social Security and pay his own way.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

singleincome40yroldkid said:


> Hello - this is my first time posting anything on any forum really - but I am looking for opinions - advice - and I'm not sure what else. Last July - I got home from work to find my husband at home - which he usually was when I got home from work. One of the first things he told me was that he had quit his job that afternoon. My initial reaction was disbelief! I mean I had not heard a peep of this plan. We started to talk further about it - and I learned that he was feeling blue - he hadn't like working for a relatively new boss he had (he was an electrician) and the location that he was working at was a messy plant. I knew that he hadn't been liking the new job site ... but I had no idea this is where it would end. Later it would come out that he was feeling depressed and he had spoken to his work about it - so he hadn't really quit - he has just taken some time off .... as a month passed, I asked if maybe he should go and see a therapist or something - and perhaps ask for a short-term leave while he got to a better place ... it wasn't finally until November that he made an appointment with his family dr. to discuss his depression - he went several times - and his family dr prescribed him and anti-depressant. within a week or two - his mood had improved, he was more social, we did more together - it felt like I had my husband back finally (we had been married for 8 yrs at this time). In January - he decided to take himself off the medication because he didn't like the idea of being on it regularly. He carried on going to speak to his family dr about his feelings for the first while - and then stopped - all during these visits he never told his dr that he had walked from his job. Throughout this - I learned that one major factor affecting him was the fact that we had fertility issues. So we began the process to look further into those to find a possible course of action. The other issue that he had with this is the fact that I wasn't pushing for children. there are 6.5 years between us (he was 40 - and I was 34). It is not that I do not want children - it is that I never wanted the sole responsibility for them - and at the end of it all - I was ok with the idea of not having my own if we could not. I felt that he needed to be a good husband to me first - because I did not want too ever be a single mum (not that most do) because I was afraid of not being strong enough. So- we began the process of finding out what our issues were - to learn that they were issues of low sperm count. This did not help his mood - however - he always seems to take a backseat to issues that he could be the driver on .... the long and short of this is - its been over a year now - we still have a fertility issue, however we have an appointment with a fertility specialist in January to look at our other options - but he is still out of work. He has no income coming in - spends out of our joint account (now just my other account) without talking to me - has NO intention of going back to work ... when I bring it up I am accused of not supporting him...and it is not that he couldn't work - work is available, and he is capable. I guess I am sitting on a big cloud of resentment - I did not sign up for a marriage this way - I never wanted to be the sole provider - it bugs me that I was not have part in the decision. That he altered our future without even discussing with me. It's not like he does things around the house consistently either - he may make dinner once every two months .... I pay for a house cleaner - I still take out the garbage. I can cover all bills and still provide a nice life for us on my income alone .... but he has to do SOMETHING doesn't he. And kids .... when I have no support in any aspect ... emotional/financial/household responsibilities .... I THINK NOT! It's my worst fear. I am really at a loss - I stand here and I look at what feels is the end of my marriage ... Do I put him on an 'allowance' type deal ... and I don't mean to sound selfish - but he will never have money to take me out again, or surprise me, or birthday presents/christmas or a coffee ... anything ....


Everytime someone gets lazy, there will be a post putting it down to depresssion and I grown a bit. In this case, there might well be something in it. The fact you were not pushing for children and he has a low sperm count probably means it will never happen. 

This is not to excuse him. The treatment for low sperm and for depression is pretty much the same. Vital to both is not watching television and being more active. I do not write that about TV flippantly, it has a distinct effect of lowering sperm counts. Sitting at home relying on you will increase depression and lower sperm count. 

His behavior is not OK. It is very unmanly, supporting him in getting into a lifestyle to boost his sperm count might help. It si a long shot though.


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## singleincome40yroldkid (Dec 15, 2014)

So I had the more difficult talk over this weekend - about my line in the sand. Got out some of the feelings that I had been having (resentment etc) and put them on the table. I felt the conversation was going relatively well. We had both brought up that there were certain areas that needed work. I mentioned that not putting in the effort this time is not going to work - that I do not want to coast through this relationship anymore - that they (all relationships) take ongoing work I and was not the only one that needed to contribute. A major issue we have is communication - he cannot seem to vocalize (rationally) his feelings / needs / likes /dislikes. This is an area that I told him that he needs to work on - he needs to be able to tell me things. So - that opened us up into another conversation - Christmas. My husband is an only child to a single mum. Every year we (him and I) have had his mum overnight on xmas eve, spent xmas morning together (the 3 of us) and then had his mum come to my families xmas dinner (when she chose to accept the invite). This year apparently he is 'not picking sides' (which it has never been about) and has told me that he will not be making time for my family on Christmas day (dinner basically - his mum is not coming to my family this year - she is going to spend the holidays with her friends in the city 'people who also don't have families'). He would be fine to see my family on maybe boxing day - but not Christmas Day (this also comes from the man who 'doesn't understand xmas. It is just another day'. So now the line has become xmas day - awesome! I cannot stand for separate xmas plans. While he is stating he no longer wishes to select sides - I think that the choice that he is making is the ultimate choice. I feel as though I am being disrespected yet again - as is my family. I just don't understand .....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This is his passive aggressive way to punish you for brining up the things you brought up. So now you will without him for Christmas.

In the long talks you had this weekend, what was said about him getting a job? What did you say? What did he say?


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## singleincome40yroldkid (Dec 15, 2014)

He did say he was going to have to get a job in the new year. We went through 'his' bills etc together. he said he wondered why I hadn't done that yet. When I asked him when in the new year - he had said when the project at my work comes up that I had mentioned to him. I work for a company that does some work with retailers - we have a small project coming up that is a one time thing and will pay $34. I said that he would need more than that for work to pay his bills etc .... asked again what his plans were - that he could not make him finding work my responsibility and with the way that he was being that I would not even consider him for that project because currently my work is the aspect of my life that is going well....and that's about where that topic died ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So the whole getting a job next year was about a $34 "project"? Really?

Sounds like basically he did not address him getting a job. He intends to continue to force you to support him.

What are you going to do about this?


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## singleincome40yroldkid (Dec 15, 2014)

I have no friggin clue! I am in the spot where I know I need to decide - do I pick up the pieces again until the next major issue - or do I pick up my pieces and throw 'em in a suitcase ... I know that there is no place that you can google this answer - I think I am in the stage of discovering I have done what I can - and I cannot change or grow a partnership with someone that is not in it to the fullest. I've dealt with similar things for so long that it has become my normal - led to believe that what I truly desire as a marriage/love only happens in movies ... fairytales.


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## singleincome40yroldkid (Dec 15, 2014)

This is part of my sound check !


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

singleincome40yroldkid said:


> I have no friggin clue! I am in the spot where I know I need to decide - do I pick up the pieces again until the next major issue - or do I pick up my pieces and throw 'em in a suitcase ... I know that there is no place that you can google this answer - I think I am in the stage of discovering I have done what I can - and I cannot change or grow a partnership with someone that is not in it to the fullest. I've dealt with similar things for so long that it has become my normal - led to believe that what I truly desire as a marriage/love only happens in movies ... fairytales.


What you are going through it not normal. I know no man who acts like this and do not know anyone who would find it acceptable. Finding a man who will support you is so basic that it is generally a pre-requisite.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

When all words fail to reach him, there is something he cannot avoid, and that is action. If you do something like leave or kick him out, he will be forced to react. If he has any access to your money, cut him from it. If you cut him off, and he complains, tell him to go back to mommy where she can look after him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

singleincome40yroldkid said:


> I have no friggin clue! I am in the spot where I know I need to decide - do I pick up the pieces again until the next major issue - or do I pick up my pieces and throw 'em in a suitcase ... I know that there is no place that you can google this answer - I think I am in the stage of discovering I have done what I can - and I cannot change or grow a partnership with someone that is not in it to the fullest. I've dealt with similar things for so long that it has become my normal - led to believe that what I truly desire as a marriage/love only happens in movies ... fairytales.


There is something between what you have now and the unreal version of marriage shown in fairytales. And that can be a very good marriage. You can have that if you don't have your current husband dragging you down.

Plus, you will most likely find being alone better than what you have right now.

Mr.Fisty is right. Your ultimate voice is action. You have spoken with words, he not only blew you off, but has now punished you with the passive aggressive move of him telling you that he will not spend Christmas with you.

Now its your turn... "speak" through action and either leave him or kick him out. Cut him off financially.

If you do this you will be free of a passive aggressive man who has forced you into being his caretaker. And he will finally get the message.. he is not retired. He hast to go get a job.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> There is something between what you have now and the unreal version of marriage shown in fairytales. And that can be a very good marriage. You can have that if you don't have your current husband dragging you down.
> 
> Plus, you will most likely find being alone better than what you have right now.
> 
> ...


Bravo!

This is basically giving up on the marriage. My last few posts have been to tell people to stop whining, this is something very different.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Same thing happened to me OP. Wife laid off, next thing you know she's popping out kids and I'm the sole support for a family of five.


So ... birth control?

I don't understand this whole "she started popping out kids" thing. 

If you didn't want them, there's all kinds of ways around that. If you felt the risk of ending up with kids you didn't want was a fair trade off for not using condoms well ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Starstarfish said:


> So ... birth control?
> 
> I don't understand this whole "she started popping out kids" thing.
> 
> If you didn't want them, there's all kinds of ways around that. If you felt the risk of ending up with kids you didn't want was a fair trade off for not using condoms well ...


I think he wanted the children and he wanted his wife to be a SAHM.

As I recall, WOM has said in the past that he would not want his wife to be a career woman.

I think that post was an attempt to turn the tables on the OP to make the point that women expect men to work to support them so men are over burdened. And then it's unfair when a woman complains and that her husband has done what "woman" do and expects his wife to support him. (this is his stereo typing of things.)


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## singleincome40yroldkid (Dec 15, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I think that post was an attempt to turn the tables on the OP to make the point that women expect men to work to support them so men are over burdened. And then it's unfair when a woman complains and that her husband has done what "woman" do and expects his wife to support him. (this is his stereo typing of things.)


That is how I read it too - but that is not what it is about for me - I don't care about the money part of this. It's not the issue - mine is ultimately a lack of respect and the partnership I expect. In terms of wanting him to work - its because he needs to do something - I don't care where it happens or what the income is out of it. Its more the social aspect of it - for him and for us. the fact that I cannot be his everything and that he needs outlets to share feelings/memories etc with. That and he is perfectly capable of it and not contributing in other areas.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

It's pretty hard to generalize and say "30 days, get a job, or get lost".

The economy has improved quite a bit in u.s. in last 2-3 years, but there are still some areas and countries where job situation $ucks and it takes a lot longer to get a job, even at mcdonalds btw.

BUT........having said that, it is obvious no one can sit on their butt and do nothing. depression, physical disability (unless extreme) should not keep from doing something. If work is really hard to find in a certain area, it's pretty obvious when a person is really trying to find work. You can also do work for free (volunteer) or help out family till you get a job, et. Stay busy. stay busy!
Don't sit on your lard @ss.

self respecting types (men or women) don't do this.


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## singleincome40yroldkid (Dec 15, 2014)

He is not looking - he actually doesn't need to even look hard for it. He works for a union - and they actually have a job line. Because he has been away from work for so long - he would likely get the first job he called for. Without issue.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

singleincome40yroldkid said:


> He is not looking - he actually doesn't need to even look hard for it. He works for a union - and they actually have a job line. Because he has been away from work for so long - he would likely get the first job he called for. Without issue.


then he's loafing


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

singleincome40yroldkid said:


> That is how I read it too - but that is not what it is about for me - I don't care about the money part of this. It's not the issue - mine is ultimately a lack of respect and the partnership I expect. In terms of wanting him to work - its because he needs to do something - I don't care where it happens or what the income is out of it. Its more the social aspect of it - for him and for us. the fact that I cannot be his everything and that he needs outlets to share feelings/memories etc with. That and he is perfectly capable of it and not contributing in other areas.


I see it the same way you do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jorgegene said:


> It's pretty hard to generalize and say "30 days, get a job, or get lost".
> 
> The economy has improved quite a bit in u.s. in last 2-3 years, but there are still some areas and countries where job situation $ucks and it takes a lot longer to get a job, even at mcdonalds btw.
> 
> ...


:iagree: While he is seriously job hunting there are other things he can do to keep involved. He can do a larger % of housework, cooking, etc to off load some of this from her. He can do volunteer work.


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## HisPresence (Dec 13, 2014)

Hi Mrs. EleGirl, Merry Chirstmas and Happy New Year to you, and your family.

Mrs. OP, talk to your husband, and force him to make an effort to look for a job. Force him, or make a threat like if you NOT making an EFFORT to find a job, you can't sleep in the bedroom anymore, lol

I don't care if my man have a minimum wage paying job, as long as he 'HAVE' a job. I never expect him to feed me, but what I expect is he needs to feed himself.

So IF he staying at home, 'purposely' not looking for a job. He gonna have a big talk with me.
As a woman, and I never ask him to support me. So how DARE he ask me to support him? When he fully capable of find a job out there. 
It NOT hard to get a minimum wage job, work at the Warehouse if he have to.

btw, my man is poor, and he works at the Warehouse. I'm sure Mrs. OP husband can find a Warehouse job too if he actively looking.
It NEVER was about money, it about the 'RESPONSIBILITY" to himself. And 'PURPOSELY' NOT looking for a job is a deal breaker.

And there a big difference between: purposely NOT looking for a job, and not able to find a job due to economy reason.


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