# Frustrated with Father-in-law - should I be?



## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

I'm again frustrated with my FIL. It was H's birthday recently. My FIL did not send a card or call my H on his birthday. 

I feel like my FIL is slowly trying to freeze us out - and that it's my fault, indirectly at least.

Firstly, H is from the UK, I'm from the US and we live in the US. We don't get to see his side of the family that often. My FIL is less than crazy about Americans, and makes jokes to that effect on occasion. 

Each time we visit I feel less than welcome and while it bugs me, his attitude toward my H since we've married bugs me more. He isn't overtly mean or anything, but makes passive remarks, has become distant, and just rarely seems happy for H or us. 

He's been to visit us once right after our son was born. H was excited to show off his family, our house, our life. FIL seemed thoroughly unimpressed. 

Never made a comment on the home H and I have worked hard on to make it what it is, even though my FIL brought a video of his new house which we complimented left right and center. He held his new grandson once for about 2 minutes, only after I asked him. 

H was quite upset about his overall demeanor of aloofness. I finally ended up pulling my FIL to the side, basically, and telling him that I didn't care that he didn't like me but that he was hurting his son. I am so not confrontational usually. He chalked his behavior up to being a guy. Sure. 

The most recent time we visited, we used money we didn't have (debt) to pay for airfare and hotel - he didn't offer to help us out at all despite knowing how much it was costing us. H was even buying meals when my FIL was supposed to be taking us out. My FIL is not hurting for money. 

It might make sense to know that H's parents are divorced. 

Our visit was close to Christmas, and we had bought presents for him, his girlfriend, and his girlfriend's daughter - who he lives with. He bought our son one Christmas present. 

During this visit too, he wanted little to do with our son and acted more like he was an annoyance, while everyone else couldn't stop commenting on how well-behaved our son was. 

While on that trip, it was my birthday, and H took me to spend a night in Paris. When we got back, my FIL picked us up, and never even said hi to me. He directed all his questions about Paris to H, even though he's been there multiple times, and that was my first visit.

If it is just his aversion to me that is causing him to act that way, I wonder what I can do so he won't take it our on H and DS? Or maybe there is something else I'm not seeing.

More of vent I guess. But I don't buy the "guy" thing. H and his brother are very warm, sweet guys. My brother-in-law bought toys for DS to play with while we visited because he knew we couldn't pack that many toys (pretty considerate for a 22 yr old single guy), on top of Christmas presents. H and I's guys friends have been genuinely more excited about DS than his own grandfather.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

nightshade said:


> If it is just his aversion to me that is causing him to act that way, I wonder what I can do so he won't take it our on H and DS? Or maybe there is something else I'm not seeing.


even if your FIL is claiming that you are the reason behind his recent aversion to his own son, i wouldnt take it personally. there was obviously other issues there if he is willing to use you as an excuse to treat his own son and grand-child that way. 

my MIL and BIL dont like me. and my H has had to deal with them about it. at first i got in the middle of it but im learning to stay out of it and let my H deal with his own family. i get the cold shoulder from them both but i dont really care. i know they have issues. i realize it has nothing to do with me.


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

He has never flat out said I am the reason, or that he dislikes me. Apparently, he's denied it when H asked him outright. But his actions are clear. But yes, maybe there are more issues going on here.

Oh well.


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