# H currently not speaking to me



## Mary_Mac (10 mo ago)

Sunday will be our 23rd wedding anniversary and H is not speaking with me and told me not to speak to him until I apologize for yelling at him.

Problem is, I didn't yell at him. I fully admit I was short with him after he made a terribly offensive "joke." But I never raised my voice. He claims I yelled so loud I probably woke up ds. Never happened. We weren't even arguing. 

He has anxiety with OCD tendencies and is currently being treated with meds. He has started a new medication within the last week or so.

1. Could this be an effect of changing meds?

2. How do I even handle this when he has an altered sense of reality and won't hear me out?

Tbh, I'm tired. After 23yrs of his mood swings and drama over the stupidest things...I honestly hope he wants to separate.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

If you genuinely hope he wants to separate why don't you make the first move?

It could be the medication change, or it could just be him. You would be in the best position to make that call. If you think it is the meds and you want to stay together, then apologize and try to work with him to get the help he needs. If he feels you yelled at him in anger that is just the way he feels. You won't convince him otherwise.


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## Mary_Mac (10 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> If you genuinely hope he wants to separate why don't you make the first move?
> 
> It could be the medication change, or it could just be him. You would be in the best position to make that call. If you think it is the meds and you want to stay together, then apologize and try to work with him to get the help he needs. If he feels you yelled at him in anger that is just the way he feels. You won't convince him otherwise.



I hope he initiates it because he can be very vindictive if he feels he has been wronged. If I suggest it, it will not go well for me. 

Maybe I'm just being stubborn but I don't have any desire to apologize for something I didn't do.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

If he’s a grown man giving you the “silent treatment,” because you defended yourself, he’s not going to initiate divorce. He’s enjoying this. “You do the best that you can for as long as you can, and then you save yourself.” This stops when YOU stop it. Don’t ask, don’t discuss. Not necessary, he’s not speaking to you. Just get your affairs in order and let him pout until you give him the papers.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Was your husband like this when you married him? How old is your son?


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## Mary_Mac (10 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Was your husband like this when you married him? How old is your son?


No, he didn't show this side of him until we were married. DS is a teenager.

He has this and some other medical issues so I've tried to be patient. I haven't always succeeded, but I've tried. I haven't left because I didn't want to be that person that leave someone going through legitimate medical problems.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Mary_Mac said:


> No, he didn't show this side of him until we were married. DS is a teenager.
> 
> He has this and some other medical issues so I've tried to be patient. I haven't always succeeded, but I've tried. I haven't left because I didn't want to be that person that leave someone going through legitimate medical problems.


Difficult one. I was in a similar position. Is your husband seeing a therapist of some sort?


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## Mary_Mac (10 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Difficult one. I was in a similar position. Is your husband seeing a therapist of some sort?



No, and he wouldn't be open to that. I have suggested it in the past. He's just getting medication from his PCP.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

What was the offensive joke?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Mary_Mac said:


> No, and he wouldn't be open to that. I have suggested it in the past. He's just getting medication from his PCP.


Well, then I think you are entitled to leave him. Clearly, medications are not enough.


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## Mary_Mac (10 mo ago)

gaius said:


> What was the offensive joke?


It wasn't a punchline joke but he was joking around about me going to a bridal shower that he knew was in our church and asked what we do there. I said we "eat, play games, and watch [the bride] open presents. He was joking asking if we were going to be playing "sex games" or having a sex toy party. Again...in our church. That might not be a big deal to some but that's pretty offensive to me and he would be mad if anyone else said something like that to him. He gets very offended if comics/TV shows make jokes about religious stuff even if it's not done in a disrespectful way. So I was pretty surprised that he would say that stuff. He was laughing so hard he was shaking the bed (we were just talking before going to sleep). Where he says I yelled is, when he got himself under control again, he asked again what we did at bridal showers. So I said "I already told you. We eat, play games, and watch her open presents." Again, I was being short but I was not raising my voice at all. He then rolled over and went to sleep. The next day he wasn't speaking to me and blew up at me yesterday saying I "flipped out on him" and was "yelling at him" and "I was probably so loud that I woke up ds"


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

be the bigger person, and appologize.

he too will probably then appologize back , and you two can go have some anniversary fun this weekend.

why be so intransigent?


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## Mary_Mac (10 mo ago)

Talker67 said:


> be the bigger person, and appologize.
> 
> he too will probably then appologize back , and you two can go have some anniversary fun this weekend.
> 
> why be so intransigent?


I can guarantee he will not apologize, too. He will feel justified in treating me this way. I have often been the bigger person and I just don't want to be forced to lie anymore just to keep the peace.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Mary_Mac said:


> I can guarantee he will not apologize, too. He will feel justified in treating me this way. I have often been the bigger person and I just don't want to be forced to lie anymore just to keep the peace.


Only you can stop this.


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## Mary_Mac (10 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Only you can stop this.



I hear you. I might take some beginning steps this week.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Mary_Mac said:


> _*I hope he initiates it because he can be very vindictive if he feels he has been wronged. If I suggest it, it will not go well for me.*_



That's a LAME excuse and you know it.

You live in the US, not some 3rd world nation. You can get a divorce WITHOUT his consent so stop making excuses.


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## Mary_Mac (10 mo ago)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> That's a LAME excuse and you know it.
> 
> You live in the US, not some 3rd world nation. You can get a divorce WITHOUT his consent so stop making excuses.


I know I don't need his consent. Respectfully, you do not know my situation. Just because we live in the US doesn't mean everything is easy-peasy.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Mary_Mac said:


> I know I don't need his consent. Respectfully, you do not know my situation. Just because we live in the US doesn't mean everything is easy-peasy.


Realistically, what are the odds he would initiate separation/divorce?


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## Mary_Mac (10 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Realistically, what are the odds he would initiate separation/divorce?


Honestly, I don't know. If we continue not speaking, he will probably bring it up at some point but I don't know how long that will take.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Mary_Mac said:


> Honestly, I don't know. If we continue not speaking, he will probably bring it up at some point but I don't know how long that will take.


Are you willing to wait it out? From the small amount of insight you've provided it sounds like he could drag his feet just for spite.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Mary_Mac said:


> I know I don't need his consent. Respectfully, you do not know my situation. Just because we live in the US doesn't mean everything is easy-peasy.


Simple and easy are two very different things. It won't be easy, no. But it is simple. I'm sorry, it's a sucky situation.


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## Mary_Mac (10 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Are you willing to wait it out? From the small amount of insight you've provided it sounds like he could drag his feet just for spite.


I think it's the wiser choice at this point. I would have to do some major planning for me to just leave. And my county court isn't favorable to the person that leaves the house. Lawyers recommend clients stay in the house as long as they aren't in physical danger. I think I need to look into what my first steps should be.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Mary_Mac said:


> Honestly, I don't know. If we continue not speaking, he will probably bring it up at some point but I don't know how long that will take.


I would just divorce him. However I do understand the whole if it isn't his idea then he'll be mad and try to make you pay.

So don't speak to him. Wait your time. When he brings up divorce just say yes. Don't argue or justify just say ok you are right we should divorce. Then start the paper work and never speak of it again jsut present him with the papers.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

BTW he will probably try to walk that back because he would threaten divorce just to 'win' the argument. right?

Which is abusive. You should never threaten divorce unless you mean it.

That's why when he threatens just say yes we should divorce then get out of that conversation so he can't walk it back until you hand him the papers. When he tries to walk it back just simple say it is obvious you aren't happy and I can't see you like this. If he's mentioned divorce before then you point out that he brings it up so it was obvious to you that he really wanted to be divorced and you just can't stand seeing him unhappy.

If he's going to be pissy cause it was your idea just make it his idea and move forward. Don't ever give any indication that there is a way back or not divorce just keep moving forward.

See a lawyer as well. Most states it doesn't matter if you move out but some it does.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Mary_Mac said:


> I think it's the wiser choice at this point. I would have to do some major planning for me to just leave. And my county court isn't favorable to the person that leaves the house. Lawyers recommend clients stay in the house as long as they aren't in physical danger. I think I need to look into what my first steps should be.


No question you shouldn't act rashly and you are right about not leaving the home. That doesn't mean you can't start the process though. A good first step would be to consult a lawyer.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Mary_Mac said:


> I hope he initiates it because he can be very vindictive if he feels he has been wronged. If I suggest it, it will not go well for me.





Mary_Mac said:


> I know I don't need his consent. Respectfully, you do not know my situation. Just because we live in the US doesn't mean everything is easy-peasy.


people can only give you advice on the facts that you present. if you keep stuff, then advice cannot be correct.

Having said that: are you deadly afraid of him? would you be in the streets if you mention divorce? do you stand to lose so much money that you feel that is cheaper to stay in this miserable life with him? Have you at least consulted with a lawyer or two to gauge what are the possibilities, and facts if you serve him with divorce papers? or is it that you're just making excuses to not act, and is waiting on him to decide your life, since it seems that you don't want to ruffle his feathers? 

tell us, why is it that you can't act and take the lead and decide for what your life should be?


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## Mary_Mac (10 mo ago)

He's moved from the silent treatment (for 4 days now) to storming around, yelling at me about how I'm "treating him like crap" and involving our kids (20y, and 16y) telling them they need to choose which family to spend Easter with...

He asked me to move out of the bedroom. I calmly said no.

He wants me to move to my parents' house. I didn't respond.

He told me he would be shutting off my cell phone in 3 days so I had better change the payment account info (it was being paid for out of the household account. We both have our own accounts for spending money). 

I told him when he is ready to have a reasonable conversation, I am ready.

He told me I am not allowed to go to any of his family functions and he doesn't want me in his life. I didn't respond.

He is talking like I have been the one ignoring him for the past few days. I don't know whether to be scared or worried that he is having some kind of mental episode.

Shaking as I type this from my home office...


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

You really need to get your children out of there. It's escalating to the point where violence is next.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

He doesn't sound like a nice guy, but I would be suspicious of the medication changes. Is this really a significant change in behavior?


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## Mary_Mac (10 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> He doesn't sound like a nice guy, but I would be suspicious of the medication changes. Is this really a significant change in behavior?


It's pretty significant as of the last few years. Since he started his previous med, he had been doing so well and we got along great.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Mary_Mac said:


> It's pretty significant as of the last few years. Since he started his previous med, he had been doing so well and we got along great.


Why did his meds get changed if he was doing well?


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## Mary_Mac (10 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Why did his meds get changed if he was doing well?



Because he was still struggling with some anxiety. I think he thought the Dr was just going to increase the dose.


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## Mary_Mac (10 mo ago)

I'm going to try talking to him. This is a really disproportionate response...even if I HAD yelled at him. I don't know what I will do if he won't listen to reason.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Mary_Mac said:


> Shaking as I type this from my home office.


Why? once again, are you deadly afraid of him? If so, then, you need to be proactive. You just can't sit and wait what's next in the scalation of things from him will be? or you are just afraid of losing what you have with him, meaning him leaving you?

Just in case that you don't know, people with mental illness, as they age, they get worse not better. It's all a case by case situation but in average they just get worse. 
Could it be that a change in medication/doses is strongly influencing his behavior?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

It doesn’t matter who “wins” now. Just apologise to him to calm him down before things get even worse. He is not well and he is having an episode. The drugs are obviously not working as they should. When he is calm, try and have a discussion in a non confrontational way.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Mary_Mac said:


> I'm going to try talking to him. This is a really disproportionate response...even if I HAD yelled at him. I don't know what I will do if he won't listen to reason.


Be careful. This is a very worrisome situation. 😟


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## Mary_Mac (10 mo ago)

Welp. He wants to separate. He says I'm too mean to him He hasn't said anything before this blow-up so I have no idea what he's talking about...and I have been wracking my brain trying to remember anything that he might be referring to. I can't. I'm not perfect but I'm also not a purposely mean person.

I am going to look into a lawyer.


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## Ragnarrr (10 mo ago)

Mary_Mac said:


> Sunday will be our 23rd wedding anniversary and H is not speaking with me and told me not to speak to him until I apologize for yelling at him.
> 
> Problem is, I didn't yell at him. I fully admit I was short with him after he made a terribly offensive "joke." But I never raised my voice. He claims I yelled so loud I probably woke up ds. Never happened. We weren't even arguing.
> 
> ...


1. most likely. but more meds are just going to lead to the same issues down the line. there are alternatives to treating with meds if youre open to such things, or you can just let him wander off into dreamland and go your own way if you truly desire lol.
2. you cant deal with it, you can enter his reality and play sorry or just wait for his reality to shift again away from it


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Mary_Mac said:


> Welp. He wants to separate. He says I'm too mean to him He hasn't said anything before this blow-up so I have no idea what he's talking about...and I have been wracking my brain trying to remember anything that he might be referring to. I can't. I'm not perfect but I'm also not a purposely mean person.
> 
> I am going to look into a lawyer.


I’m sorry this is happening but I do think you’re better off. He sounds really unreasonable.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Mary_Mac said:


> He's moved from the silent treatment (for 4 days now) to storming around, yelling at me about how I'm "treating him like crap" and involving our kids (20y, and 16y) telling them they need to choose which family to spend Easter with...
> 
> He asked me to move out of the bedroom. I calmly said no.
> 
> ...


He really sounds like he's jumped off the cliff here. He is rapidly escalating and getting himself SO worked up. 
Has he ever acted like this before? If not, you should call his Dr about the med changes (you KNOW he won't do this) just to let his Dr know what is going on. They probably can't discuss anything with him, but you should make sure they are aware of what he is doing. Have you looked at side-effects of his new medication? A LOT of these meds can cause tremendous changes in mental states. He just sounds irrational. I would call them ASAP.

Also, just to be careful -- you should start recording him doing this to you (every time!) -- I hate to say this but you MAY need this in the future.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Is he willing to go back to his doctor and adjust the medication or does he not see a connection? I think he’s trying to get you back under control (as he sees it) with threats. The problem is he may keep escalating if he feels it’s not working.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Mary_Mac said:


> Sunday will be our 23rd wedding anniversary and H is not speaking with me and told me not to speak to him until I apologize for yelling at him.
> 
> Problem is, I didn't yell at him. I fully admit I was short with him after he made a terribly offensive "joke." But I never raised my voice. He claims I yelled so loud I probably woke up ds. Never happened. We weren't even arguing.
> 
> ...


I wouldn't apologize. He needs to be a big boy and be able to have a conversation with you that isn't always you being sweetie sweet.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I wouldn't apologize. He needs to be a big boy and be able to have a conversation with you that isn't always you being sweetie sweet.


I doubt very much that he's rational enough to be able to understand what he's doing. So, I don't think that he will not be asking for apologies, or having a calm rational conversation.

Most likely, medicine and/or dosage has something to do with it.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

I like how this guy is just trying to tell a stupid joke and his wife has nothing but a sour face and rude comment for him in return. And then you all think he must only want to get out of his marriage because his meds are messing with his mind.

Sounds like he's never been thinking clearer. Luckily for you OP there's a deep well of men out there who will eat that kind of disrespect with a spoon and ask for more. You shouldn't have much trouble replacing him.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> I doubt very much that he's rational enough to be able to understand what he's doing. So, I don't think that he will not be asking for apologies, or having a calm rational conversation.
> 
> Most likely, medicine and/or dosage has something to do with it.


I agree with Rob. This sounds like too radical a change in such a short time. Something different is up.

Either meds or he has a side piece that he made a decision about.

My wife took Welbutrin for a _short_ time. It was short because she turned into a raging …you know. It was a dramatic and fundamental change in her personality. She came off the meds… everything returned to normal.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

@Mary_Mac Just to voice my agreement with others, this deal with your husband, no matter the cause, sounds pretty volatile.

Be careful, protect yourself!
He may not be predictable or trustworthy like the man you know _especially_ if the cause is meds.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I agree with Rob. This sounds like too radical a change in such a short time. Something different is up.
> 
> Either meds or he has a side piece that he made a decision about.


Keep in mind, Mary Mac thinks she did nothing wrong in this situation. Busting his balls over a stupid joke. And according to her he's had moon swings and "drama over the stupidest things for years". So it sounds like there's a long history of her thinking she did nothing wrong while actually doing something wrong, like in this case, and him getting upset by it.

Maybe his meds just ripped him out of whatever depressive funk that was causing him to put up with it for 23 years.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

gaius said:


> Keep in mind, Mary Mac thinks she did nothing wrong in this situation. Busting his balls over a stupid joke. And according to her he's had moon swings and "drama over the stupidest things for years". So it sounds like there's a long history of her thinking she did nothing wrong while actually doing something wrong, like in this case, and him getting upset by it.
> 
> Maybe his meds just ripped him out of whatever depressive funk that was causing him to put up with it for 23 years.


Maybe. And we only have 1 side of the story so anything’s possible I guess.
I didn’t get a read of her taking offense as being over the top. But yea, it could have been the proverbial straw.

Either way, staying protected and separating, with a med review is the right move to figuring out if it‘s real or memorex.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I agree with Rob. This sounds like too radical a change in such a short time. Something different is up.
> 
> Either meds or he has a side piece that he made a decision about.
> 
> My wife took Welbutrin for a _short_ time. It was short because she turned into a raging …you know. It was a dramatic and fundamental change in her personality. She came off the meds… everything returned to normal.


I took Wellbutrin for 4 days and got off of it because it turned me into a monster. I think it's probably a side piece. I hate to say it because I know it's so hurtful to the OP but all this blaming and raging points directly to wanting her to leave so he doesn't have to be the "bad guy" for leaving his wife and children after cheating on them.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I took Wellbutrin for 4 days and got off of it because it turned me into a monster. I think it's probably a side piece. I hate to say it because I know it's so hurtful to the OP but all this blaming and raging points directly to wanting her to leave so he doesn't have to be the "bad guy" for leaving his wife and children after cheating on them.


Agree, it’s not off the table in my mind. It’s hard to say though. Meds do funky things as you know. ‘Monster‘, yea, that’s the word I was looking for. Really though if you play that out, my wife could have been the same as OP’s hubby if the meds were left unchecked. Ultra PO’d at me and I’d be wondering what gives. I can see it.

Either way makes sense to me.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Agree, it’s not off the table in my mind. It’s hard to say though. Meds do funky things as you know. ‘Monster‘, yea, that’s the word I was looking for. Really though if you play that out, my wife could have been the same as OP’s hubby if the meds were left unchecked. Ultra PO’d at me and I’d be wondering what gives. I can see it.
> 
> Either way makes sense to me.


Wellbutrin should have that giant scary green face that was on poison stuff in the 80s. That stuff will JACK you up. But yeah, I'm worried that it's another woman. Meds can be fixed, cheaters cannot.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

gaius said:


> like how this guy is just trying to tell a stupid joke and his wife has nothing but a sour face and rude comment for him in return.


Like I guess, you conveniently are dismissing the fact that OP stated that he has had the same mood swings, anxiety, and OCD problems where he makes everything a drama for 23 years, and is taking meds for it.

Whether it was because of a stupid joke and her getting offended is irrelevant, plus, you are just making biased assumptions without a single piece of evidence that is her attitude that is driving him to want to leave her.
Fact is, regardless if the whole thing is just her imagination or the truth, here we just can get by what she's stateting, and from that we can only deduct that he's not sane of mind. I mean, 23 years, and you think is all because of a stupid dirty joke? Yeah, right.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> Like I guess, you conveniently are dismissing the fact that OP stated that he has had the same mood swings, anxiety, and OCD problems where he makes everything a drama for 23 years, and is taking meds for it.
> 
> Whether it was because of a stupid joke and her getting offended is irrelevant, plus, you are just making biased assumptions without a single piece of evidence that is her attitude that is driving him to want to leave her.
> Fact is, regardless if the whole thing is just her imagination or the truth, here we just can get by what she's stateting, and from that we can only deduct that he's not sane of mind. I mean, 23 years, and you think is all because of a stupid dirty joke? Yeah, right.


I guess you don't understand how some women often talk about their husbands. I grew up with one. He'd come home, she'd immediately start in on him with something rude or provoking and then he'd lose it. But he was always the problem you see. He had anger issues, mental issues blah blah blah.

If she really doesn't think she did anything wrong in this case then it's highly likely she's done other things wrong and doesn't acknowledge it. To what extent, who knows. But this stuff is usually a 2 way street. Mental illness on his part is far from the only explanation for his behavior.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Seriously guys, put yourself in her husband's shoes. You're providing for your family, you come home, you heard some stupid joke online or at work and you tell it to her, in an effort to amuse her. And then your wife just decides to be nasty to you for it. That's what she's picking a fight with you over. A joke.

My wife doesn't find all my jokes funny by a longshot, and she doesn't pretend she does but to me nasty to me about it? No guy should be putting up with that treatment at home.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

gaius said:


> Seriously guys, put yourself in her husband's shoes. You're providing for your family, you come home, you heard some stupid joke online or at work and you tell it to her, in an effort to amuse her. And then your wife just decides to be nasty to you for it. That's what she's picking a fight with you over. A joke.
> 
> My wife doesn't find all my jokes funny by a longshot, and she doesn't pretend she does but to me nasty to me about it? No guy should be putting up with that treatment at home.


They clearly have communication and possibly compatibility issues, but I don’t get a sense of OP exaggerating the backstory or current events. Nearly every OP shades the story to their benefit somewhat, it’s human nature.

Your theory is possible, but I don’t see it is probable at this point. I’ve told off-color jokes that displeased my wife many times, and it never resulted in separation after days of silent treatment.

Regardless of who carries the blame, the trajectory of how to move forward is the same.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

A bad joke can be amplified a million times by a person with mental issues. I think the "trick" here is NOT to treat a person with mental issues in a "standard" way. It just backfires.


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## Mary_Mac (10 mo ago)

Before we agreed to separate, I tried apologizing and calming things down. I said I was sorry for this whole thing and for how I reacted to him. He is not willing to accept it unless I specifically say I'm sorry for yelling and I won't do it again. But if I wasn't yelling in the first place, and he decided I was, how can I prevent it from happening again? I can't. Either way, I am just setting myself up to go through this all over again.

I have thought about talking to his Dr about this as well. There wasn't any side effects like this listed online for this med but I'm guessing it's the transition time. He used to act like this before he started getting treatment. 

It's so strange, though, to hear him put everything he's doing on me...as if I'm the one yelling and giving the silent treatment instead of him. He says I have a temper problem and should talk to my doctor about meds? (He said this in front of our kids and they even looked confused) When I pointed out that he was the one that told me not to talk to him, he even claimed I was being manipulative because I didn't specifically add that he had said "until _ apologize." I just...what? It's like he sees what's happening but somehow he sees it as me doing it.

I wouldn't say he's had a complete break with reality (but I was very worried for a while yesterday) so I haven't called any authorities. But I will keep my eye out for it getting worse.

I took the day off of work today so I can get my bearings and possibly talk to a bank and a lawyer. Wish me luck._


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Mary_Mac said:


> Before we agreed to separate, I tried apologizing and calming things down. I said I was sorry for this whole thing and for how I reacted to him. He is not willing to accept it unless I specifically say I'm sorry for yelling and I won't do it again. But if I wasn't yelling in the first place, and he decided I was, how can I prevent it from happening again? I can't. Either way, I am just setting myself up to go through this all over again.
> 
> I have thought about talking to his Dr about this as well. There wasn't any side effects like this listed online for this med but I'm guessing it's the transition time. He used to act like this before he started getting treatment.
> 
> ...


Sounds like the meds to me... can you just wait a few days and see if he settles down with them?


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## Mary_Mac (10 mo ago)

gaius said:


> Seriously guys, put yourself in her husband's shoes. You're providing for your family, you come home, you heard some stupid joke online or at work and you tell it to her, in an effort to amuse her. And then your wife just decides to be nasty to you for it. That's what she's picking a fight with you over. A joke.
> 
> My wife doesn't find all my jokes funny by a longshot, and she doesn't pretend she does but to me nasty to me about it? No guy should be putting up with that treatment at home.



If this was the case, I would agree with you. Yes, there are some people out there that are just nasty and mean. And just like everyone, I've had my grumpy and off days. Usually, if either of us has a bad day and gets snippy, we will apologize and adjust our attitude. But being generally nasty not the norm for me. I don't hound him all day and try to make his life miserable. What he was joking about was something even he would be upset about if I or anyone else had said it. And to clarify, I didn't get nasty about it. I just didn't find it funny and was short in my reply to him. I didn't berate him or pick a fight. That's where the problem lies and why I think it is connected to his illness and recent med change. He is going off the deep end over something that shouldn't have become this big of an issue. 

I get where you're coming from but you're off base in this instance.


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## Mary_Mac (10 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Sounds like the meds to me... can you just wait a few days and see if he settles down with them?



He probably will adjust to them but I don't want to wait and then not be ready to go when I need to.


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## Mary_Mac (10 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Wellbutrin should have that giant scary green face that was on poison stuff in the 80s. That stuff will JACK you up. But yeah, I'm worried that it's another woman. Meds can be fixed, cheaters cannot.
> View attachment 84746


I honestly don't think he has anyone on the side. He doesn't want a divorce (religious reasons), just a separation. It wouldn't make any sense if he had an ulterior motive to be with someone else.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Mary_Mac said:


> He probably will adjust to them but I don't want to wait and then not be ready to go when I need to.


Fair enough...


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Mary_Mac said:


> I honestly don't think he has anyone on the side. He doesn't want a divorce (religious reasons), just a separation. It wouldn't make any sense if he had an ulterior motive to be with someone else.


Oh ok. Meds can make you crazy, I hope it gets worked out.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Mary_Mac said:


> I honestly don't think he has anyone on the side. He doesn't want a divorce (religious reasons), just a separation. It wouldn't make any sense if he had an ulterior motive to be with someone else.


Well separations don't really work. You should either work this out or just divorce. Otherwise you could be stuck for years in a separation unable to move on.

I don't know if there is a way to work this out. His actions seem to undermine any kind of constructive communication. SInce this has been going on for years it most likely won't get better. Also he seems to be escalating and could turn violent. Do you ever worry about violence?


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## Mary_Mac (10 mo ago)

I agree that separation doesn't usually work. But again, it's a religious thing.

We sat down to talk about dividing things. He got worked up when I told him I want half the value of the house. He said we would have to go through the court then. So I went into my office and called a lawyer. I got some good information and when I got off the phone, suddenly he was ready to talk about how much half of the house is etc. We continued talking while I began to write down a list of who gets what. He came to see how he has escalated everything as it all became real. He agrees that his med might be part of it and said it might take a few months to get passed the initial side effects. 

Overall he is much more calm and much more rational today. He is willing to work on some things, like communication, with me. 

The separation has been tabled for now. I am keeping my information so that if it comes down to it, later, I'll be ready.

Thank you for all your advice and helping me get it all out there. It's not going to be instantly great, but it's a start. If his med works out and we keep progressing forward, we might have a chance yet.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

@Mary_Mac, good for you for standing up for yourself and staying calm and serious. It's hard, especially when you're not used to it, to be firm and defend yourself.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Mary_Mac said:


> I agree that separation doesn't usually work. But again, it's a religious thing.
> 
> We sat down to talk about dividing things. He got worked up when I told him I want half the value of the house. He said we would have to go through the court then. So I went into my office and called a lawyer. I got some good information and when I got off the phone, suddenly he was ready to talk about how much half of the house is etc. We continued talking while I began to write down a list of who gets what. He came to see how he has escalated everything as it all became real. He agrees that his med might be part of it and said it might take a few months to get passed the initial side effects.
> 
> ...


Yes he calmed down and all that b ecause part of it wasn't meds. It was him trying to bully you. Once you called a lawyer and he realized he couldn't bully you out of the house and that he'd have to do a fair division of assets all of a sudden he's more reasonable. I could be wrong but frankly that right there would make me MORE willing to divorce. It really showed it was a choice that he's been doing and not the meds. Sure meds can mess things up but they don't fix themselves in 5 minutse because you call a lawyer now do they?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Mary_Mac said:


> He used to act like this before he started getting treatment.


If this is the case, then it may not be a side effect -- it just may be that the meds are NOT working for him...


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

gaius said:


> I guess you don't understand how some women often talk about their husbands. I grew up with one. He'd come home, she'd immediately start in on him with something rude or provoking and then he'd lose it. But he was always the problem you see. He had anger issues, mental issues blah blah blah.
> 
> If she really doesn't think she did anything wrong in this case then it's highly likely she's done other things wrong and doesn't acknowledge it. To what extent, who knows. But this stuff is usually a 2 way street. Mental illness on his part is far from the only explanation for his behavior.





gaius said:


> Seriously guys, put yourself in her husband's shoes. You're providing for your family, you come home, you heard some stupid joke online or at work and you tell it to her, in an effort to amuse her. And then your wife just decides to be nasty to you for it. That's what she's picking a fight with you over. A joke.
> 
> My wife doesn't find all my jokes funny by a longshot, and she doesn't pretend she does but to me nasty to me about it? No guy should be putting up with that treatment at home.


I will only say this to you as my final word on it, so as to not threadjack : dude get a grip of yourself. You sound damage and ultra biased against women. Your cynical view of women is proof of how jaded you are.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

gaius said:


> I guess you don't understand how some women often talk about their husbands. I grew up with one. He'd come home, she'd immediately start in on him with something rude or provoking and then he'd lose it. But he was always the problem you see. He had anger issues, mental issues blah blah blah.
> 
> If she really doesn't think she did anything wrong in this case then it's highly likely she's done other things wrong and doesn't acknowledge it. To what extent, who knows. But this stuff is usually a 2 way street. Mental illness on his part is far from the only explanation for his behavior.


Passive aggressiveness can send you over the top if someone is really good at it. It involves a lot of baiting and playing the victim card. If you take the bait they will manipulate you into thinking you are a monster which then feeds itself. They will convince you were yelling when you were not and they were very calm when they were anything but. It's really maddening.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> I will only say this to you as my final word on it, so as to not threadjack : dude get a grip of yourself. You sound damage and ultra biased against women. Your cynical view of women is proof of how jaded you are.


Well Rob if you come up with any more likebait monologues and feel like posting them don't let that promise hold you back. It just won't be the same without you.

Glad to see everything is back to normal. It's not the meds that did it though. There's a reason there's no "Don't make marital decisions for 8 hours after taking" warning label on the side.


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