# Relationships and remarrying



## Richi300

Why get married again? I've found myself asking this question alot lately. Since going through my divorce I've witnessed friends, coworkers, and acquaintances all go through divorce. On top of that, EVERYWHERE I look its being encouraged if your not happy in your relationship or the connection has faded.... leave. Find someone that will make you happy. As if love is an convenient store where you can go to the customer service desk and return your lover in for something temporarily better. 

Because lets be honest....being happy is just a feeling that comes and goes. Its temporary. Thers this notion that being in a marriage/relationship if you don't have instant gratification at all times.......its over. The sun most always be shinning. We here all know it takes work to be in a committed relationship. And the type of person I am ...

Today's world standard for being in a relationship isn't for me. I can feel my old self returning to normal. I'd be damned if I let my recover be interrupted or jeopardized for someone else's love with an expiration date.


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## Married but Happy

I think you're grossly exaggerating when you say people want instant gratification at all times. Most make serious efforts to preserve their marriages, even more so than they do to preserve a friendship (and most value their friends and their spouse). However, there are many poor marriages, and many poor matches. Why shouldn't you eventually realize that living with it when you can't improve it is a bad choice?

Of course, you don't need to marry, or remarry. Married relationships can be great, but I think that the marriage part is optional. Either commitment exists - or it doesn't. And you can't take it for granted. The reason for marriage, IMO, is primarily the legal benefits and conveniences that it provides


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## browser

There is no logical or reasonable reason to get married, the first time or subsequent times. 

Marriage is an outdated, failed, over rated concept. 

People say "It's a higher level of commitment".

No, it's just a relationship with a legal entanglement that requires lawyers and judges to get out of when things go south, which they do, more often than not. 

I will never understand why people get married again after their first marriage failed. You know, the one where you thought you'd be together forever, until of course, you weren't. 

You know what they say about the definition of insanity "doing the same thing over and over yet expecting different results".

I'm happily involved with my girlfriend of 5 years, living together for half of that time, and neither one of us has any plans to remarry even though we have no reason to think this time it won't go the distance. It's just not necessary.


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## Bananapeel

Like everything in life there are pros and cons. I guess if the pros of marriage outweighed the cons, I'd consider it. But at this point I'm with you, it just doesn't offer enough benefits to make it worth it. I can get love, companionship, and sex without marriage and I don't need anyone to provide financial security for me. The financial, emotional, and social cost of divorce is quite high and I think greatly outweigh the benefits.


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## browser

What pro is there to marriage that you cannot get with an exclusive committed relationship?

I can't think of even one. 

Even health insurance can be obtained if you register as domestic partners.


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## Married but Happy

browser said:


> What pro is there to marriage that you cannot get with an exclusive committed relationship?
> 
> I can't think of even one.
> 
> Even health insurance can be obtained if you register as domestic partners.


Well, not quite. My former company required you to be living together for two years before they would provide benefits for domestic partners. Marriage would solve that immediately. This mattered to me, because if I'd waited, my gf (now wife) would probably have died because we couldn't afford the care she needed out of pocket and she couldn't get insurance due to pre-existing conditions. Now, things are different under Obamacare - but may change again under the new administration.

Most other things that marriage provides can be duplicated by legal agreements - power of attorney, medical power of attorney, wills, trusts, etc. However, if you earn significantly different amounts, your Social Security retirement and disability payments will be quite different, but after being married for 10 years, the lower earning spouse can often get significantly higher benefits than they'd get on their own earnings record. Some corporate/civil pensions provided to a survivor spouse may also depend on marital status.


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## browser

Married but Happy said:


> Well, not quite. My former company required you to be living together for two years before they would provide benefits for domestic partners. Marriage would solve that immediately.
> 
> Social Security retirement and disability payments will be quite different, but after being married for 10 years, the lower earning spouse can often get significantly higher benefits than they'd get on their own earnings record. Some corporate/civil pensions provided to a survivor spouse may also depend on marital status.


Ok, you have made some valid points. There may be a benefit to being married depending on your company's policy on health insurance and pensions; and also social security payments for the lesser monied spouse. Although if you're going to marry a person who makes less than you do or who doesn't earn any income then it's REALLY a foolish decision for so many other reasons.


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## Richi300

Its way too easy to get a divorce these days. I've really been considering whenever I'm ready to date.....I think rather stay in a committed relationship. No marriage involved......Someone mentioned how all the lawyers and everybody in between get the reward for marriages not working. I have never agreed more. But for now I'm going to focus on myself. Getting married again for me is out the question. So many cons.....the only pro.....the financial perks for doing so. At this point....its not worth it.


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## Yeswecan

Richi300 said:


> Why get married again? I've found myself asking this question alot lately. Since going through my divorce I've witnessed friends, coworkers, and acquaintances all go through divorce. On top of that, EVERYWHERE I look its being encouraged if your not happy in your relationship or the connection has faded.... leave. *Find someone that will make you happy.* As if love is an convenient store where you can go to the customer service desk and return your lover in for something temporarily better.
> 
> Because lets be honest....being happy is just a feeling that comes and goes. Its temporary. Thers this notion that being in a marriage/relationship if you don't have instant gratification at all times.......its over. The sun most always be shinning. We here all know it takes work to be in a committed relationship. And the type of person I am ...
> 
> Today's world standard for being in a relationship isn't for me. I can feel my old self returning to normal. I'd be damned if I let my recover be interrupted or jeopardized for someone else's love with an expiration date.


Only you will make you happy. It does not take another to make you happy. 

You may think what you have written above today is true but tomorrow could be a whole different story.


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## Married but Happy

browser said:


> Ok, you have made some valid points. There may be a benefit to being married depending on your company's policy on health insurance and pensions; and also social security payments for the lesser monied spouse. Although if you're going to marry a person who makes less than you do or who doesn't earn any income then* it's REALLY a foolish decision *for so many other reasons.


Well, it _can _be. But not always. I do think that it is risky to marry someone with a significantly lower income, but sometimes the risk is worthwhile or at least acceptable. Of course, you can't really be certain until you're dead or the relationship has ended!

As for benefits, there can also be tax advantages in some cases.


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## jb02157

I've contemplated this topic for a long time since I'm reasonably sure that I will be divorced at some point. I think that I really wouldn't be able to trust anyone again with everything so they could conveniently take their half and leave. Since divorce is so common these days it's really no big deal for someone to just get divorced if they happen to be unhappy for a couple of days.


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## FeministInPink

I would like to get married again, but I'm not in any rush to do so. My failed marriage wasn't the fault of the institution; my marriage failed because I made a poor choice in a mate. I still believe in marriage, and I've seen many successful second marriages, so I believe that it's possible. I've also seen unsuccessful second marriages. The difference that I see between the two is in the former group, both partners learned from the mistakes they made in their first marriage, and they work to ensure they don't repeat those mistakes; in the latter group, I see one or both partners making the same mistakes repeatedly, and not learning from them.

Aside from the legal benefits that @Married but Happy mentions, I want someone to share my life with, to make memories with, someone to wake up next to every day and fall asleep in his arms every night. The one person who actually gets me, and who maybe understands me better than I do myself. Someone who thinks I'm worth the trouble, worth the work, and worth the risk. To belong with someone.

You can get some of that with a "exclusive committed relationship," yes, but without the commitment of marriage... it's like the one person always has one foot out the door. Which means that I am forced to experience the relationship with one of my feet out the door as well. An "exclusive committed relationship" simply isn't the same. Because when I commit, I do it for real and I am serious, and if I'm willing to do that for someone, I would hope that he feels the same.

It's like, are you the ham or the eggs? The pig or the chicken?


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## browser

Richi300 said:


> Its way too easy to get a divorce these days.



Not if you've got money and minor children. 

Unless it's one of those extremely rare situations where both parties agree to everything.


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## Herschel

I know one thing and one thing only, I haven't learned my lesson after two divorces. YOLO!


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## Richi300

Yeswecan said:


> Richi300 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Why get married again? I've found myself asking this question alot lately. Since going through my divorce I've witnessed friends, coworkers, and acquaintances all go through divorce. On top of that, EVERYWHERE I look its being encouraged if your not happy in your relationship or the connection has faded.... leave. *Find someone that will make you happy.* As if love is an convenient store where you can go to the customer service desk and return your lover in for something temporarily better.
> 
> Because lets be honest....being happy is just a feeling that comes and goes. Its temporary. Thers this notion that being in a marriage/relationship if you don't have instant gratification at all times.......its over. The sun most always be shinning. We here all know it takes work to be in a committed relationship. And the type of person I am ...
> 
> Today's world standard for being in a relationship isn't for me. I can feel my old self returning to normal. I'd be damned if I let my recover be interrupted or jeopardized for someone else's love with an expiration date.
> 
> 
> 
> Only you will make you happy. It does not take another to make you happy.
> 
> You may think what you have written above today is true but tomorrow could be a whole different story.
Click to expand...

When I referred to being "happy". That's the excuse that majority of these indecisive selfish scrum bags use... "Not happy". Wasn't talking about myself... we all realize you can only make yourself happy but its another thing to open yourself up to another person by getting married. All I'm saying is there's no point to get married..and that's just speaking for myself. A marriage not working out is way devastating than just being in a relationship. Both hurt but vows or promises made in a marriage will creep up on you leaving you vunerable to extreme pain. I just rather not get married again.


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## jb02157

FeministInPink said:


> I want someone to share my life with, to make memories with, someone to wake up next to every day and fall asleep in his arms every night. The one person who actually gets me, and who maybe understands me better than I do myself. Someone who thinks I'm worth the trouble, worth the work, and worth the risk. To belong with someone.


That's what I would want but I'm not convinced that it's out there. I guess that's mainly due to the fact I also chose very unwisely and would scared of doing the same thing again.


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## Richi300

From the way its looking the only difference between being married and being exclusive is paperwork. If I have children not being married.....Ill be already ahead of the curve. Ill have enough money to start child support....
In the end good men are losing. Sounds like a bitter guy talking..,. I know...But I look at as being prepared and logical. Because I do one day want to be in another relationship. Just not married.


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## arbitrator

browser said:


> There is no logical or reasonable reason to get married, the first time or subsequent times.
> 
> Marriage is an outdated, failed, over rated concept.
> 
> People say "It's a higher level of commitment".
> 
> No, it's just a relationship with a legal entanglement that requires lawyers and judges to get out of when things go south, which they do, more often than not.
> 
> I will never understand why people get married again after their first marriage failed. You know, the one where you thought you'd be together forever, until of course, you weren't.
> 
> You know what they say about the definition of insanity "doing the same thing over and over yet expecting different results".
> 
> I'm happily involved with my girlfriend of 5 years, living together for half of that time, and neither one of us has any plans to remarry even though we have no reason to think this time it will go the distance. It's just not necessary.


*Not to even mention needing lawyers offering such premarital services of prenuptial agreements and the like, and county, state, and local agencies selling marriage licenses, et. al. Laws have even been amended in several locales declaring common law marriage, and just like the traditional marital format, thus requiring a full divorce procedure to get out from under! And who best to do that task other than money clutching lawyers!

It may well have taken me two failed marriages, both ending from wifely infidelity, but I think that I may have richly learned my lesson!*


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## FeministInPink

jb02157 said:


> That's what I would want but I'm not convinced that it's out there. I guess that's mainly due to the fact I also chose very unwisely and would scared of doing the same thing again.


You know what? I don't know if it's out there. It might not be. Maybe I'll never get married again, and I'll be that weird old lady backpacking around the world by herself. And I'm OK with that, becuase I would be an awesome weird old lady, and I'd rather live life on my own terms and alone than be with the wrong person. But I still hope that person is out there for me. I'm not going to stop looking, and I'm not going to stop trying. And when I find it, I'm gonna marry it. :grin2:

Listen, I chose unwisely the first time around. Very unwisely. And that part's on me. And I worked really hard to figure out why I chose that way the first time around, and learned what red flags to look for, to make sure that I don't make those same mistakes again. Even so, there's no guarantee. I might be as careful as I can be, get married a second time, and it could still crash and burn. If that happens, then I probably won't get married again! But the emotional and psychological benefits that can come from a committed, healthy relationship... I'm not going to close myself off from that possibility. I'm not going to limit myself and close myself off from living a complete life. That's like... breaking your right leg badly in a car accident, and you have to go through all this physical therapy to learn to walk again, and afterwards you say to yourself, I don't want that to happen again, so I'm going to get my right leg amputated so I can't drive a car, and therefore never get in a car accident again. That's totally illogical, right?

OK, so maybe if you have a long history of dating people who are bad for you, and if you continue to date the same type of people after you get divorced, ok, so maybe you KNOW that getting married again would be a really bad idea, because you simply can't help yourself from making bad decisions, because the bad decision bears in your head always win, then I would say, YES, BY ALL MEANS CUT OFF YOUR LEG. But if you consistently have a history of making phenomenally bad choices for yourself, then maybe whether of not you get married again isn't your biggest problem in life.


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## Steve1000

browser said:


> It's just not necessary.


There are still a handful of reasons why it can be necessary. When working overseas with a work visa status, a girlfriend or boyfriend would usually not be able to have a dependent visa status. They would have to travel as a regular visitor which lessens the amount of time they can stay in the the foreign country. 

Domestically, if you're not married, it is more difficult for a gf or bf to receive an inheritance or to be able to make end of life decisions.


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## Steve1000

arbitrator said:


> *
> It may well have taken me two failed marriages, both ending from wifely infidelity, but I think that I may have richly learned my lesson!*


What is really the lesson to be learned? Not to get married or not to emotionally invest in another relationship?


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## Diana7

We are both divorced after long first marriages, and we both have every reason not to trust again and to have been left bitter and declaring 'I am never going to get married again'. 

For us though, marriage is vital. Neither of us would live together, its not the same by any means. Marriage is a fully committed relationship where we promise to be faithful and to support the other no matter what. I would rather be single than live with someone, If a guy cant be bothered to marry me, then I cant be bothered to live with him. 

I love marriage, I love being married. Its a great invention. People who live together are far far more likely to break up, as are those who live together before marriage.


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## Married but Happy

jb02157 said:


> That's what I would want but I'm not convinced that it's out there. I guess that's mainly due to the fact I also chose very unwisely and would scared of doing the same thing again.


I had that concern, and my wife definitely had that fear. Time and consistency in our relationship put those to rest. Yes, it exists, and we found it: "... someone to share my life with, to make memories with, someone to wake up next to every day and fall asleep in their arms every night. The one person who actually gets me, and who maybe understands me better than I do myself. Someone who thinks I'm worth the trouble, worth the work, and worth the risk. To belong with someone."


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## Diana7

Married but Happy said:


> I had that concern, and my wife definitely had that fear. Time and consistency in our relationship put those to rest. Yes, it exists, and we found it: "... someone to share my life with, to make memories with, someone to wake up next to every day and fall asleep in their arms every night. The one person who actually gets me, and who maybe understands me better than I do myself. Someone who thinks I'm worth the trouble, worth the work, and worth the risk. To belong with someone."


 So pleased for you, we also have a great marriage. We were both divorced after long first marriages. I was a single mum for 6 years before I met and married my now husband of 11 years.We have to make that decision to trust again and not let the past rob us of the future.


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## browser

Steve1000 said:


> There are still a handful of reasons why it can be necessary. When working overseas with a work visa status, a girlfriend or boyfriend would usually not be able to have a dependent visa status. They would have to travel as a regular visitor which lessens the amount of time they can stay in the the foreign country.


Ok, there are a "handful" of reasons why marriage might be beneficial. Working overseas with a work visa, social security benefits for the lesser monied spouse, and possibly immediate access to health insurance benefits or a military pension. 

That's still a very small percentage of people for whom marriage is a benefit. 



Steve1000 said:


> Domestically, if you're not married, it is more difficult for a gf or bf to receive an inheritance or to be able to make end of life decisions.


 @Steve1000 *This is completely untrue*. It's called making a will and also giving your gf or bf power of attorney and referring to them as the sole decision maker in your healthcare proxy. Do you know how many parents are estranged from their children or siblings and therefore exclude them from their inheritance? It happens all the time. 



FeministInPink said:


> I might be as careful as I can be, get married a second time, and it could still crash and burn. If that happens, then I probably won't get married again! But the emotional and psychological benefits that can come from a committed, healthy relationship... I'm not going to close myself off from that possibility. I'm not going to limit myself and close myself off from living a complete life.


You make the mistake of assuming that being married to a person somehow gives them a committed, healthy, complete life together that you cannot get from an exclusive committed relationship. 

I think it's obvious from the divorce rates and the vast number of stories on this website that exchanging rings and vows and signing a marriage license does not make things any better or more secure or more fulfilling.


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## Satya

After I was first divorced, I never thought to marry again. I spent several years healing, dating, and I realized that I did want to be married again. I was lucky that I found my husband when I did. I don't regret getting married again, I am exceedingly glad that I did and not a day has gone by without feeling like we were both given a second chance. We both came into the relationship having been married once before, having learned many lessons about what we both wanted for the future, and having the good sense not to want to change each other, but just accept each other as we are.

Some are fine without marriage and prefer to stay in a long-term relationship. We knew what we both wanted and we went into the marriage gladly.


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## FeministInPink

browser said:


> You make the mistake of assuming that being married to a person somehow gives them a committed, healthy, complete life together that you cannot get from an exclusive committed relationship.
> 
> I think it's obvious from the divorce rates and the vast number of stories on this website that exchanging rings and vows and signing a marriage license does not make things any better or more secure or more fulfilling.


You missed the main point: you can have that if you are married to THE RIGHT PERSON FOR YOU. If you marry just anybody, without taking into consideration their emotional health and other fundamental compatibility issues, it's probably gonna suck and you're not going to get any benefits.

And you can't use TAM as a sample size foe your argument. People don't seek out advice when they have happy, successful marriages. People come here because their marriages suck and they need help (save for the few glowing examples who somehow ended up here without big problems, and those who came here because of problems in their first marriage and stayed and who are now in happy relationships). There are a significant number of bitter people on TAM, and they like it because there are other bitter people they can commiserate with.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Wolf1974

I won't say I will never get remarried again but it will be very different than the last one for sure. Prenups, hard boundaries, and most of all accountability.

I am a relationship guy and love my GF. I make no illusion though that she can leave anytime she wants. I once thought that the difference between our realtionship and a married one is the married one does have an obligation to stay together and to fight to get through things. What I learned the hard way is it doesn't actually function any differently then just a cohabitation. Spouses can leave any time they want for any reason they want. The one big difference now is yes my GF can leave but she can't take my house, kids, car, pension, savings, family heirlooms. You do risk most all that with a marriage so it's a huge gamble.


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## rockon

Steve1000 said:


> What is really the lesson to be learned? Not to get married or not to emotionally invest in another relationship?


Yes.


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## browser

FeministInPink said:


> You missed the main point: you can have that if you are married to THE RIGHT PERSON FOR YOU. If you marry just anybody, without taking into consideration their emotional health and other fundamental compatibility issues, it's probably gonna suck and you're not going to get any benefits.


You missed my point. You can have all of the benefits without locking yourself into a legal contract that will often require lots of money, and attorneys and courts in order to get out of. Lots of people get married to someone they think they know, and it still goes south 1 yr or 10 years or 20 years down the line because either they were bait and switched or things just got stale or they grew apart or they ran into conflicts they thought they could handle. 



FeministInPink said:


> And you can't use TAM as a sample size foe your argument. People don't seek out advice when they have happy, successful marriages.


I'm really not using TAM as a sample size. I'm referring to the divorce rate which exceeds 50% around the world.

I refer to TAM because there are numerous threads written by people who think they knew the person they were marrying and they took their time in many case and STILL got screwed in the end by someone who either had undisclosed mental disorders or a propensity to cheat or to gamble away all their money or drink themselves under the table.

Sometimes all the research and clarity in the world just doesn't do it but one things for sure. If things go south, if you're not married it's much easier to extricate and getting married does nothing to your advantage except perhaps in the cases mentioned above including access to social security, military pensions or some sort of overseas work Visa that allows the couple to stay there longer.


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## GuyInColorado

Ha. I thought I'd never get married again, but a little over year after separation, I just spent $9k on a ring. Why? Because she wants the commitment due to our kids and I'm OK with that. I'd much rather call her my wife than girlfriend. The thought of her with someone else and not with me makes me ill. If it doesn't work out 5-20 years from now, we'll split and go our own way. No biggie. But I'm pretty sure I found someone I can grow old with and not have any regrets. I don't believe in soulmates, just someone that loves you for who you are. I'm freakn' excited to propose to her and start our new journey. This experience is 300% different than my first proposal/engagement/marriage. I don't think people should get married until 30+. Amazing what you learn as you get a little older and out into the real world.

Oh, if anyone is looking at rings. Don't even bother except for jamesallen dot com. I saved over $3-5K for a similar diamond at a local store.


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## browser

GuyInColorado said:


> she wants the commitment and I'm OK with that. I'd much rather call her my wife than girlfriend. If it doesn't work out 10-20 years from now, we'll split and go our own way. No biggie.


Unless you've got a lot more income and assets then you apparently do right now. Especially if you make a lot more than she does. 

You think she'll just let you walk away unscathed? No sir, if you're making considerably more than she is, you'll be paying her support for years to come, and giving her half of everything. 

Now if she's the one with the money, then go for it, you're not taking any risk. But since she's the one who wants the commitment I'm going to wager a guess she's looking at you for financial security. 

Remember when you met and married your first wife you felt EXACTLY the same way. Yeah I know there were red flags that you "should have seen" but you didn't until things started falling apart. And now you're an expert red flag spotter and you can't possibly make that same mistake again.


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## Thundarr

Richi300 said:


> Why get married again?


Everyone should think like you do. Do not get married until someone is too perfect for you to let go.


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## browser

Thundarr said:


> Everyone should think your way. Don't get married until you cannot come up with a reason not to.


I'm having trouble wrapping my head around that triple negative.


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## Thundarr

browser said:


> I'm having trouble wrapping my head around that triple negative.


Stupid Crown Royal is messing with my grammatical skills. OP, do not get married until you meet someone who is so right for you that you cannot find a reason not to marry her and for that matter cannot imagine growing old without her.


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## Richi300

Didn't mean for this to be a debate. I was just getting things off my chest in an environment I know I won't be judged. If marriage is your jam cool. I just know for me,...this as been so traumatic for me. 

Before I got married I did the check list. Even was honest with her about my fear of commitment. If any of you knew her before we were married you would have been shocked just like everyone else finding out she cheated and got pregnant by someone else. Blind sided isn't even the word for what happened.

I couldn't see being with no one else. Matter of fact I never thought about another woman...We really were best friends....EVERYONE could see how good of a fit we were. All I use to hear is how did I get so lucky. She used to be the most thoughtful sweetest woman....scratch that....the sweetest person I came across. Her true motives Didn't reveal itself until things started falling apart. She never wanted to work again....No goals at all. Wanted to put the weight of the world on my shoulders while she enjoyed life's ride.

I always said I wanted someone to build a life with me. I met her she had drive...made her own money. It was a dream.....a dream. Once I lost my job no fault of my own..and she had to work............ The "he's my friend"...."I need space" began. Not going through that again..... Believe me if you guys knew our story you would know why my feelings on marriage are out the window. 9 years wasted.....married 6 of those years.


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## Almost-Done

GuyInColorado said:


> Ha. I thought I'd never get married again, but a little over year after separation, I just spent $9k on a ring. Why? Because she wants the commitment due to our kids and I'm OK with that. I'd much rather call her my wife than girlfriend. The thought of her with someone else and not with me makes me ill. If it doesn't work out 5-20 years from now, we'll split and go our own way. No biggie. But I'm pretty sure I found someone I can grow old with and not have any regrets. I don't believe in soulmates, just someone that loves you for who you are. I'm freakn' excited to propose to her and start our new journey. This experience is 300% different than my first proposal/engagement/marriage. I don't think people should get married until 30+. Amazing what you learn as you get a little older and out into the real world.
> 
> Oh, if anyone is looking at rings. Don't even bother except for jamesallen dot com. I saved over $3-5K for a similar diamond at a local store.


9K on a ring. Wow. Please, for the love of all that is holy, stop and think logically first. Give it some time to kick off the blinders (for both of you). Not sure about Colorado, but even a simple short divorce takes at least a year. You do not know what the laws are going to be, nor do you know what assets you will have at the possible time when things may start to wear thin. I didn't think I'd get divorced either.. Well, 30k - 40k in just legal fees later, I am. At least wait 2 years from engagement to actual marriage. Do not let anyone pressure you into a legal contract..


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## jb02157

Married but Happy said:


> I had that concern, and my wife definitely had that fear. Time and consistency in our relationship put those to rest. Yes, it exists, and we found it: "... someone to share my life with, to make memories with, someone to wake up next to every day and fall asleep in their arms every night. The one person who actually gets me, and who maybe understands me better than I do myself. Someone who thinks I'm worth the trouble, worth the work, and worth the risk. To belong with someone."


I'm glad that you were able to find that. I guess if I ever got into a situation where I had consistency in a relationship with maybe I would consider it...it would take a long time though. There has been so much damage done in my current marriage that I really don't believe in marriage anymore. I don't want to be penalized half of my finances if for whatever reason it doesn't work out. It would have to be a situation where she would lose as much as I would.


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## Married but Happy

jb02157 said:


> I'm glad that you were able to find that. I guess if I ever got into a situation where I had consistency in a relationship with maybe I would consider it...it would take a long time though. There has been so much damage done in my current marriage that I really don't believe in marriage anymore. I don't want to be penalized half of my finances if for whatever reason it doesn't work out. It would have to be a situation where she would lose as much as I would.


Thank you. I can't say I disagree with you, and I had to overcome a lot of damage (mostly psychological) from my first marriage. My second wife offered me a prenup, but I decided it wasn't necessary. Most of my assets were acquired prior to marriage, and would not be divided if we ever split - it looks like that will never become a concern, though.


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## browser

Richi300 said:


> Before I got married I did the check list. Even was honest with her about my fear of commitment. If any of you knew her before we were married you would have been shocked just like everyone else finding out she cheated and got pregnant by someone else.


Exactly. You just never know what someone is capable of. You don't even know what you are capable of. 

Why run across a bunch of hot fireplace coals in bare feet just because there's a chance you _won't_ get burned?


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## browser

Almost-Done said:


> 9K on a ring. Wow. Please, for the love of all that is holy, stop and think logically first. Give it some time to kick off the blinders (for both of you). Not sure about Colorado, but even a simple short divorce takes at least a year. You do not know what the laws are going to be, nor do you know what assets you will have at the possible time when things may start to wear thin. I didn't think I'd get divorced either.. Well, 30k - 40k in just legal fees later, I am. At least wait 2 years from engagement to actual marriage. Do not let anyone pressure you into a legal contract..


"Quoted for truth". 

Every time I read one of @GuyInColorado 's posts about how he's rushing right back into marriage- I think his first post about getting married again was around 6 months after the first marriage crashed and burned- I just shake my head.

But I get it, I really do. He's so wrapped up in lust or love or whatever, and trying desperately to patch the huge hole in his life left by the demise of marriage #1 that he's jumping into a murky pool with both feet with no clue what might be lurking just beneath the surface.

Sure there's a "chance" it could go the distance but the statistics for subsequent marriages point to about a 65% failure rate or something like that. 

Why go there? Because she's pushing for it? That's a huge red flag right there.


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## Steve1000

browser said:


> @Steve1000 *This is completely untrue*. It's called making a will and also giving your gf or bf power of attorney and referring to them as the sole decision maker in your healthcare proxy. Do you know how many parents are estranged from their children or siblings and therefore exclude them from their inheritance? It happens all the time.


I actually agreed with your premise that legal marriage is not usually necessary. You point that I said something "completely untrue" is a little overkill. I said that making end of life decisions can be more difficult. I have witnessed that first hand! Yes, the best way to remedy that is to have a legal document giving consent for a non-married partner to make those decisions. However, that process is sometimes unfortunately cumbersome in those situations.


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## Steve1000

Wolf1974 said:


> I make no illusion though that she can leave anytime she wants.


I think that's a good thing because you know that she is with you because she wants to be.


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## browser

Steve1000 said:


> I actually agreed with your premise that legal marriage is not usually necessary. You point that I said something "completely untrue" is a little overkill. I said that making end of life decisions can be more difficult. I have witnessed that first hand! Yes, the best way to remedy that is to have a legal document giving consent for a non-married partner to make those decisions. However, that process is sometimes unfortunately cumbersome in those situations.


 @Steve1000

I don't know what you witnessed first hand and whats so cumbersome about preparing legal documents. I sat with my attorney for a half hour and told him what I needed, I went back a week later and signed in the presence of a handful of witnesses. My girlfriend is designated on my healthcare proxy and shes getting a third of my assets according to my will of which she is executor and it was no different setting it up that way than it would have been if we were married. 

I suppose my children could challenge my will but they could do that even if I married her.


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