# My Wife hates my parents and in turn takes it out on me



## npss (Jun 15, 2011)

Hello Everyone!

I need some advice. I have been married for a year and my wife it seems has issues that I cannot deal with. Mainly and although she denies it she hates my parents and siblings and takes it out on me. For example this afternoon I came home from work to my parents home for lunch and my wife, brother, sister and one of my aunts were home.

During lunch my sister who was ripping off my aunt told her that all people born in the first half of the year aren't intelligent. My sister also knew that my aunt's (she is from my mother's side) siblings save for my mother were born in that half of the year. My aunt laughed and a lot of teasing went on.

At which point my brother clicked that my wife was born in Feb so she laughed and said she is more clever than my family and has her own practise (she is a physiotherapist) at which point my brother retorted and said its a practise, you're still practising come back when you're a professional and smiled and had a good laugh.

I thought nothing of it as I get ragged to and usually if I am in the mood will give as good as I get.

My wife has since become angry and said my family are full of themselves and is now making my life miserable. 

Someone please help me with a few suggestions!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Move out of your parents home.


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## npss (Jun 15, 2011)

We are not living with my parents. We decided to have lunch together.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Does she hate them all the time or just today?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your wife feels insecure / doesn't feel she fits in. Above all else be supportive of her concerns over your family. Don't try to fix her. Seek to understand, and keep her in a position that she feels good.


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## npss (Jun 15, 2011)

Jellybeans I would say all the time. She usually says its because she moved out of her parents home and her family are completely different to mine so she takes issue with a lot of things. 

Another example: My husbands wife fell ill and was admitted to hospital. I asked my brother if all was well but did not rush of to the hospital to say hi to his wife. If the issue was urgent or my brother or sister in law needed any assistance I would obviously have been there. 

My wife got angry because her family at the drop of a hat go and sit around the hospital and mine do not. They dont do anything except to my mind not give the sick person a chance to relax because every five minutes two people are bugging the sick one (wife has a huge family).

Support is good I think but clogging hospitals is not. 

And yes! She got angry and commented about how bad my parents are and me.


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## npss (Jun 15, 2011)

Hicks I like that suggestion. I have been trying it. The problem is she hits me with the you're just saying it to make me feel better story which if you try and reply to that one you are fighting a loosing battle. 

Im also finding it very hard to continue supporting her because I have to continuously do it and after some very hard days at work tryng to support your clients with their emotional issues you really just want to tell her to grow up, which is not at all the best solution.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

npss said:


> Hicks I like that suggestion. I have been trying it. The problem is she hits me with the you're just saying it to make me feel better story which if you try and reply to that one you are fighting a loosing battle.
> .


Answer: Dear, it is my job in life to say things to make you feel better, so thank you for letting me know it works. All kidding aside, you are my #1 and come before my family always.

Regarding finding the energy considering your job... This is where the rubber hits the road for you. YOU MUST put your wife and marriage ahead of you clients at work. Don't assume that your wife cares about the financial support over the emotional support.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Oh my wife hates HATES her inlaws. Not that they're some damn beauty contest. But it goes deeper than that. What my wife is expressing is 

a) they should give us more, more money more things 
b) only MY parents count, yours are crap
c) I can't be bothered to pretend not to be crazy for people I'm not related to by blood

It has nothing to do with them as people, though as I said, they can be awful people. But whatever she doesn't 'like' about them, her own family is much much worse, and she'd readily admit that. Her mom is a world class passive aggressive martyr who stole money from her own children. Her dad was an alcoholic *****monger who made a fortune, gave most of it to his goumadas and blew the rest. Her sibs are either in jail, stealing from one another or belong on the Island of Lord of the Flies where they can kill and eat each other.

But they're golden. Don't ever say a mean word about them or there will be hell to pay. 

It's just the way some people are. That whole blood is thicker than water thing.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Runs, why are you married? Seriously. You seem very unhappy in your marriage and w/ your wife. It pains me reading about the dynamic sometimes. It sounds very toxic.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Well it is very toxic. But I'm a disaster inside. I'm a complete mess. I can't see any future in having a normal relationship. I can talk to other people all day about their problems but mine feel like they are insoluble. At its base, at its rawest I think you need courage to love yourself. Courage I don't have.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why do you think you need to have any relationship? It's nice but it isn't a requirement. Why not just be single and happy rather than married and miserable?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Good question. The classic shrink answer has been fear of abandonment, fear of being alone, fear of not having a sounding board to check myself. Dunno, work in progress?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Classic Shrink isn't Runs. So what's your answer. Why do you stay?


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

npss,
Sounds like my wife after a year of marriage. Actually we both defended our families and hated the others the first 3-4 years. We got into some yelling matches over it. Then, my family basically proved her right as I noticed they would do things to deliberately sabotage us. At about the same time mother-in-law (single mother) found a guy who moved into her home and "took over". This opened my wife's eyes to who she really was. Now, we have a more "us against them (all of them)" mentality. So, what I'm saying is after just 1 year of marriage it's too early to call. The situation may actually bring you closer together.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

You both have to develop an identity outside of your respective families. Stop spending so much time with all of them and build your own lives together. Your wife should be your top priority and you should be showing loyalty to her above everyone else. And the same goes for her.

Families are great, but often come with a lot of baggage and sometimes parents do sabotage their children's relationships or want to control their kids even when they are grown. Whatever family dynamic that is going on with your parents and siblings, it really seems to bother your wife. She may see things you don't because she has more perspective. 

Your wife is your family now. Try to really hear what she's saying. She's obviously struggling and it is not likely that she's purposely trying to be a pain in the butt, so listen without being defensive.


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## npss (Jun 15, 2011)

Latigo,

Thanks man! Made me feel much better!


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Was in pretty much the same situation.

I come from a family that is very sarcastic. We make fun of each other, joke about each other but we all love each other.

That sarcasm extended to my wife (and all the other wives who married into the family). Because I was used to the jabbing, when my mother said something about my wife, I took it as the usual ribbing that goes on.

She took it as an offense and harbored that feeling inside. She stopped going to family functions. This after years of my treating her parents better than I treated my own (they were older and needed a lot of help).

It all came out in marriage counseling. She was hurt that I wasn't defending her. It didn't matter how the ribbing was given, it's how it's received and I didn't see that. Once I did, I made sure to stand up for my wife and it made a world of difference.

So in response to the "you're still practicing" comment, you should have said something like "She's very successful at what she does and I'm very proud of her.". Those words would have made a world of difference.


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## tammyv (Jun 17, 2011)

I think she is of selfish nature and she thinks about herself only.You can talk to her parents may be they could help you.


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