# Breakdown of my husband's affair?



## edith (Apr 14, 2010)

I'm not sure if this is a better place to post this, please let me know if it isn't... But here's the breakdown of my husband's affair, after reading all the emails between him and his mistress:

December '08 - They start emailing and coming on to each other, right after she left his office to be a SAHM to her 2 month old son (ours was one month old at the time). The conversation turns sexual, he even spends his birthday with her online for 8 hours straight. He also leaves the house to call her and tells me it's about work (I remember this because it was on our oldest son's birthday and I later read the email)

March '09 - They've been in contact all this time without meeting for sex, because one of them always backs out. She says she wants to see the chemistry between them, schedules a happy hour with people from work - he stands her up, then writes back apologizing and begging to meet. They have some kind of fight over the phone, according to one email, then he stops writing her altogether.

July '09 - She's invited to a birthday party via email, he's part of the email, and she "replies to all" to say she can't make it. He writes to her asking how she's been, she replies coldly. That's the end.

September '09 - She invites his office to her son's birthday party. He declines but writes back all chatty and trying to bait her. She replies politely and he immediately (within 1 minute) writes back and tells her "don't be a stranger" and he would "love to see her". They decide to talk on the phone, then she emails him, COPIES HER HUSBAND, and asks my husband to call her because hers will be listening in (she got caught). My husband calls and saves her (I know this because she emails thanking him).

December '09 - She visits the office near Christmas. According to emails, he invited her into his office, wanted her to touch him, she said no, and she might go back to work there. More phone calls (I don't know what they said). Emails about children, how he has been, his life, her as a mom, etc. He tells her she's doing "the right thing" by staying home and shouldn't go back to work.

January '10 - After deciding that they wouldn't resume their affair until she got back to work in his office, she changes her mind and writes him asking him to meet her right away. He leads her on for a week, never setting a date, and finally stops responding.

April '10 - He emails her saying that he misses her and can she please meet him. She says yes, but not until 3 weeks later. Then, she goes to his office and they have sex for the first time. She emails him the next day to set a date, again he leads her on for a week, without setting a date. A lot of emails about our lives and the kids.

May '10 - She emails breaking up with him, saying that it's because she felt "guilty" and couldn't do it anymore - tells him to never contact her again. He doesn't.

July '10 - She visits the office for a friend's birthday. He knows she'll be there and later admits to rushing everyone out of the office all day to make sure he could see her, and hangs up on me when she's about to leave without talking to him. He invites her into his office and apparently they had sex. He tells her he'd be off the following week but would shoot her an email once he got back. His emails are a lot more emotional and they spend a huge amount of time discussing the kids, our routines, him complimenting her on everything, and her child. He seems very interested in her life.

So what do you make of this? Doesn't she seem to be the one who has feelings, instead of him? Please be honest, I welcome all views. Thank you so much.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

You are only recognizing the female feelings, of course he has them too...when they have sex. So are you staying or leaving? damn affairs are a lot of work! lol


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

There are feelings there on both ends - him and her. I guess the biggest question is what are you going to do about and what does your H say to you about all of it?


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## edith (Apr 14, 2010)

He doesn't know that I know. I'm trying to figure out if he was only with her for sex or if he actually likes this woman, that's why I'm asking for other people's opinions. But do you guys think he'd keep going back to her if he only wanted sex? More than that, she offered it a few times and he'd stop responding.... So I don't know what to think.

If any of you understand this, please let me know. I won't make up my mind until I've talked to him, but it would be so nice to have other perspectives.

On the one hand, it seems like he only wanted sex, because they've never gone on dates, etc. But if that's the case, why didn't he have sex every time he had a chance, or why would he stop it?

I don't get it. Still, he kept going back even when nothing sexual had happened. Is there any way that he does NOT have emotional feelings for this woman?! I honestly don't know what to think, and it does matter so much to me. I'd like to go into our conversation having considered all aspects of this.

Thanks again - in advance! This seems to be a very conscientious group.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

edith: Before you start any course of action review your position, secure yourself financially, and focus on the you, get into the right frame of mind and body. Ask yourself if you want to save your marriage? Where do want to be in 10 to 20 years time?

What I do not know is if you are looking for someone to blame or if your H knows you know and you are lost as to who is more at fault. Answer is easy your H married you , he chose to have an affair and yes he has violated your trust. 


Assuming you have copies of the mails disclosing anything now without a plan will play your hand. There are many threads here that will provide guidance, you need to scan the infidelity listings and you can post any questions you want to, there are plans and actions as to how to deal with affairs and you will get sound advice as to the next steps


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

I think you are trying to seperate the sex from the emotion, unless it's rape I imagine most men feel emotion during sex. He has most likely considered his life without you. I may be wrong but do I sense some disconnect here? does this bother you? I get the feeling that you are examining the situation like a scientist. Am I right or wrong?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I think it was about more than sex. Like you said, he had opportunities and passed them up. Seems like he still wanted to see her, even though he wasn't sure about following through with the physical part of the affair at times.

We men aren't actually all about sex. There were probably some pretty strong feelings therer. I would guess he was really enjoying all of the excitement of sneaking around and the attention he was getting.


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## edith (Apr 14, 2010)

Martino - You are right. I am trying to be as level-headed as I can. I guess it's because I grew up with the view that men are very much able to separate love and sex, and if they have sex outside of the marriage, the wife shouldn't worry because she's the one he really loves. So when it seems to me that this isn't true of my husband, it upsets me. But you're right.

Thank you all for your advice.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> He doesn't know that I know. I'm trying to figure out if he was only with her for sex or if he actually likes this woman, that's why I'm asking for other people's opinions. But do you guys think he'd keep going back to her if he only wanted sex? More than that, she offered it a few times and he'd stop responding.... So I don't know what to think.


My question is, who cares what excuse he uses to be unfaithful? Is it not wrong ANYWAY? To WHOM did he make his vows? 

Here's what you should be thinking: my husband is having an affair, I've helped it continue for a long time by not saying anything, so what is it that I want?

Do I want to save my marriage?

Am I looking for an excuse to leave it?

If you want to save your marriage, you are both asking the wrong questions and also taking the wrong steps.

If you are looking for an excuse to leave your marriage, you don't need one. Adultery is a moral basis for divorce.

In either case, why are you simply standing around?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

So, you have approved of him having sex outside of the marriage? Was this an agreement you two came to together? You said you were raised that it was ok for men to seek sex outside of marriage. As long as their isn't any emotional attachment? I don't even know if that is possible honey.

Either way, yes he seems to be emotionally involved, and I think you probably knew that when he spent so much time communicating with her. Best of luck in whatever you decide to do.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

martino said:


> You are only recognizing the female feelings, of course he has them too...when they have sex. So are you staying or leaving? damn affairs are a lot of work! lol


No kidding!! Why go through all of this? A quick trip to Vegas and a small fee and you've got very Hot 21-30yr olds all day long.

Sorry, for the pain to the OP, that sucks!! I agree he wants sex why her and all that work is beyond me.

As far as seperating sex and love it's done all the time. The whole swinger lifestyle is based on it!! I do beleive men could definitely separate the two, but why settle for that is my question?

I wish you the best of luck!!


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## jitterbug (Feb 13, 2010)

Edith,
According to your original post---you have hard evidence that there is an affair going on, including sexually explicit emails that began in Dec. '08.
Over eighteen months ago, why have you not confronted your husband yet? Exposed the affair to his family and friends?

I don't understand why you would just sit by and watch this unfold........you've posting about this here since last April,with knowledge that they were being physical......,you have knowledge, you're not in the dark, you have hard evidence, why are you waiting?

It seems like the only thing you're concerned with is how attached he is to the OW---that's a moot point at this juncture, the question is..

what are you going to do now, that you have information, and evidence?


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## edith (Apr 14, 2010)

I haven't known since December '08. I did find out a few months ago, though, but she broke up with him and he didn't go after her, so I thought it was over. Until he saw her again.

I haven't decided yet what I'm going to do. I would be willing to stay if she was only sex, because we have 2 children together.

I'm sorry to keep harping on this, but I don't have a lot of experience with "dating" and one of the comments really caught my attention.

Is this really too much "work" for sex only? AND, since she is obviously offering FREE sex, why is he so willing to leave it? I mean, there were many times when they could have gotten together but he declined or would just stop responding.

Do you think she could be just a booty call? I appreciate your honesty in advance - a lot of things about this affair don't make any sense to me.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I don't think she was "just" a booty call. There would have only been sex - no other meetings.

And no - sex outside the marriage is never acceptable. Assuming you have this much "evidence" on hand, you need to confront him immediately.

Sorry. And good luck.


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