# How do you get past your wife screwing some new guy



## dubby (Mar 24, 2014)

I am just shocked how fast she moved on a month after we said we were done, and is having someone stay over now. I just don't know how to get rid of the thought that somebody is now screwing the person you married and loved. I just want to call her a big **** and that she doesnt have the decency to wait until the ink is even dried after being served. She is being so disrespectful like our marriage meant nothing to her. Married 5 years.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

dubby said:


> I am just shocked how fast she moved on a month after we said we were done, and is having someone stay over now. I just don't know how to get rid of the thought that somebody is now screwing the person you married and loved. I just want to call her a big **** and that she doesnt have the decency to wait until the ink is even dried after being served. She is being so disrespectful like our marriage meant nothing to her. Married 5 years.


Whatever the marriage meant to her in the beginning, this is what it means to her now: over.

She decided it was over, and detached, moved on, and is now doing what she wants. This is not about YOU. This is about her.

Google the term detachment.
Then google "how do I detach".
Then implement the detachment to the best of your ability.

Do the 180, you can find it on these forums or you can google "the 180 for relationships". Then start doing the 180.

Remember that the only person you can control is you. This little prayer helps me:

_God, I am powerless of over STBXW, and because of that my life is unmanageable. I believe that you can restore the sanity to my life. I ask that you take this burden from me._

Work on you and quit dwelling on her. There is nothing you can do. Do not beg, plead, or try to manipulate her back. Be the strong man that she fell for originally and whether she comes back or not, other women will start to see you as a great catch.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Treat the situation as you would a large stinky trash bag. You would throw it away and move on. She's not worth with, focus on you and you will find happiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pattiroxxi (May 3, 2014)

I have the same problem. Such people don't deserve to live.


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

Duh! How do men get over any breakup? Go f**k someone else.


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## dubby (Mar 24, 2014)

I have been doing the 180. I keep hearing things back from people that know her and are shocked what she has been doing. It is just really hard and I couldn't even think about screwing somebody else right now. She has a 6yr old son at home too.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

How is she being disrespectful? The marriage is over. Why should there be a waiting period dictated by you before she moves on.

Come on man you will be okay. You will get through this bit do not blame your wife for moving on. Get IC if needed for yourself.o


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You ever stop to think that maybe she's already been in bed with this guy while still married to you and that's the reason that she moved on that fast with him?

While you were married, did you notice anything out of the norm?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If I sign divorce papers, I don't care if they knock boots with some other guy or get run over by a semi. Once you bury someone, it's pointless to dig them back up. Leave her in the bone yard and get on with your life. She's not spending 5 minutes of her day worrying about what you're doing.


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## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

dubby said:


> I have been doing the 180. I keep hearing things back from people that know her and are shocked what she has been doing. It is just really hard and I couldn't even think about screwing somebody else right now. She has a 6yr old son at home too.


I know it's a lot to handle, and extremely painful. But YOU can't be worried about HER anymore. She's not thinking about you, is she?

As part of the 180, restrict contact with people who are connected to her, or request that they no longer bring her up. I've had to do the same with people connected to my H. It is only hurtful to YOU to hear about HER, and none of your friends are considering this.

She is going to do what she is going to do, regardless of what you think, say or feel. I'm sorry she's proving to you that the marriage is over and meant little to her, but part of what she's doing is most likely just rebounding. Sometimes it's just easier to hook up with someone else, and hope that washes away whatever pain you're going through. 

I don't recommend rebound as a smart option though, it's way better to cope with the emotions, deal with them and grow stronger. You will be better off in the long run.. She, unfortunately, will continue making the same mistakes.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Perhaps it depends on who left, and why. When I left my ex and moved out, I was dating and having sex within weeks. If anything, I was hoping she'd date and meet someone quickly too, as that could have made it easier for us both to move on.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Know that women are different than men. Know that they truly think differently about some things. It's not wrong. It's not broken. It's how they think about sex and relationships. 

She likely went through the grieving process long before you two split. It's what normally happens when they are unhappy and want a change. 

You deal with it by doing the 180 as best you can. Get into counseling. Talk with people about something other than your issues and I know that's unlikely and extremely difficult. You journal every day.

You make new friends. You exercise. Eat right. Take your doctor prescribed medicines. You do your best to realise she didn't think the same as you do about sex. It's pretty normal from all I've read and experienced on TAM and in life. 

One day at a time. Take your anger out on exercising and sports.


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## DiamondsandRust (Jan 21, 2014)

my stbxw cheated on me, after i moved out she said she had someone else, and slept with him. it was hell, that was mid january of this year. 

she said it all happened after i moved out. how ever shXt like this doesnt happen over night. she was having an affair. 

knowing that someone else was with the woman i loved and married was hell. it really took a big part of me. but hell i'm alive. 

5 months later and i dont really care about her and what she did. we have kids together, and it's just sad, how a person can turn their back on their family and destroy a kids dream to have a home. 

anyways, you will get over it. try not to think about it, and when you find yourself thinking about it. Try to snap out of it. it's hard and it will take time but you will do it. 

you are better off on your own now, than 2 years or 5 years down the road finding out that she has been having an affair. 

when sh*t like this is meant to happen, better it be sooner than later. 

i have a few posts on how to move on, things that worked for me. 

stay strong and burn the bridge, cause there's only forward from now on. you cant go back.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

I believe I'm a member of this unhappy club too. It seems inhuman how they can move on so quickly. After you reflect for a time you'll realize it wasn't that sudden and that hopping into bed with someone else isn't that difficult for her because she has no emotions and loyalty for you. 

Consider yourself lucky. Try to have compassion and forgiveness for her. Yes, I know...but it's helping me move on. Obviously there's something wrong with people who hop from one bed to the other seemingly overnight without ending their current relationship honestly, maturely, and respectfully. Have pity for their disordered behaviors. 

When you think about them being together, remember that this is what she wants. Let her have it and let it go. You can't control her so control yourself. They deserve each other. Walk away thankful that you are no longer bound to a deceitful, untrustworthy person who has no loyalty.


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## dubby (Mar 24, 2014)

Thanks for all the support. This guy was on her facebook shortly after we seperated. I didn't want to file because I really loved her, but I wasn't going to be a doormat for the stuff she was doing. And she wouldn't go to counseling. She claims to be this big christian too, so does he. Getting involved with a married couple as a christian while they are going through a hard time and she started it as the good christian woman she is. The irony. Its just really hard, because we were really connected in the intimacy department and I really loved her and was atrracted to all of her. Just the thought of it all is really hard to deal with. I went no contact, but how many of you called them a ho and told them how disrespected you feel and how ashamed you are of them and what they are doing? I know I only control me, but, this is someone who I spent 10yrs with. You would think they would care just a little before jumping on someone else a month later.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

dubby said:


> Thanks for all the support. This guy was on her facebook shortly after we seperated. I didn't want to file because I really loved her, but I wasn't going to be a doormat for the stuff she was doing. And she wouldn't go to counseling. She claims to be this big christian too, so does he. Getting involved with a married couple as a christian while they are going through a hard time and she started it as the good christian woman she is. The irony. Its just really hard, because we were really connected in the intimacy department and I really loved her and was atrracted to all of her. Just the thought of it all is really hard to deal with. I went no contact, but how many of you called them a ho and told them how disrespected you feel and how ashamed you are of them and what they are doing? I know I only control me, but, this is someone who I spent 10yrs with. You would think they would care just a little before jumping on someone else a month later.


That's just it, she don't care which is why she can do what she's doing. The with who and why part doesn't matter. It's how and what you have to get over.

If it's still new and sudden give yourself time for anger, sadness, and disbelief. You have to go through the stages before you can forgive and move on emotionally.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

dubby said:


> I am just shocked how fast she moved on a month after we said we were done, and is having someone stay over now. I just don't know how to get rid of the thought that somebody is now screwing the person you married and loved. I just want to call her a big **** and that she doesnt have the decency to wait until the ink is even dried after being served. She is being so disrespectful like our marriage meant nothing to her. Married 5 years.


Are you sure she wasn't doing this guy while you were still together? Sorry, that's so often the case.

My stbxw had an affair. So, now that she has another dude, well, it's not as devastating as learning she did when we were still together. However, it still sucks azz. You need to move on though. One of the best remedies is to go out and get some for yourself. You'll be amazed how well that works. Just be careful not to hurt anyone along the way. It'll be tough because you are still broken from the disintegration of your marriage and likely not ready for another relationship just yet (I'm STILL not and dday was Nov 2012). Just be upfront about your intentions.

It's hard brother, I know. But your marriage is over, she's no longer yours. Accept that. Feel the pain, but accept it, and do your best to move on. Life is there, waiting for you!


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

How do you know she did not cheat with him before you split up? 

After you split up, then she was okay with it being public information.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

6301 said:


> You ever stop to think that maybe she's already been in bed with this guy while still married to you and that's the reason that she moved on that fast with him?
> 
> While you were married, did you notice anything out of the norm?


Sad to say, that's the feeling I get too (because I lived it).


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think for some people how fast they move on depends at what point they started to disconnect from the marriage. If you've been disconnecting for a long time, which a lot of women tend to do, it's not as big of a deal to move on. Doesn't mean you didn't mean anything. Once you decided you were done though it's really none of your business how fast she moves on, and there is no correct amount of time. Even if there was it's not up to you to decide what it is. At this point you worry about you. Now if she was involved before you split up that's sh!tty, but since you're no longer together it's not in your interest to worry about as it will only slow your recovery.
Sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

dubby said:


> You would think they would care just a little before jumping on someone else a month later.


If that's actually the case (that she waited to have sex with another guy until you broke up), then consider yourself lucky. There are a ton of women (and men) out there who don't care enough to even tell you it's over before jumping on some strange. I would've killed for my stbxww to leave me first THEN go start wh*ring around. I, and many, MANY people on this forum and all over the world weren't allowed that luxury.


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## DiamondsandRust (Jan 21, 2014)

this might help you. it worked wonders for me. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...ways-help-you-back-your-feet.html#post7568833


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## dubby (Mar 24, 2014)

I will never know for sure, but saw the phone records at the end and looked back and he was also five hours away. Don't know while we were separated but we were still together and intimate until a month before I saw she was online. She had lots of mental issues from a bad childhood and it just made the marriage really hard. I still really loved her though. She had abandonment issues too so that is probably why she jumped to someone right away. It still hurts and I am always thinking I could still save this, but have lost so much respect for the stuff she did and how she handled our seperation. Its just hard to believe the person you married could turn into somebody so dishonest and cold who wants nothing to do with you because she chose to make selfish choices when she wasn't happy with things. All this texting, facebook, social media crap sure makes it easy to find somebody to say all the right things to you. I much prefer the old days except for helpful forums like this.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

dubby said:


> I will never know for sure, but saw the phone records at the end and looked back and he was also five hours away. Don't know while we were separated but we were still together and intimate until a month before I saw she was online. She had lots of mental issues from a bad childhood and it just made the marriage really hard. I still really loved her though. She had abandonment issues too so that is probably why she jumped to someone right away. It still hurts and I am always thinking I could still save this, but have lost so much respect for the stuff she did and how she handled our seperation. *Its just hard to believe the person you married could turn into somebody so dishonest and cold who wants nothing to do with you because she chose to make selfish choices when she wasn't happy with things*. All this texting, facebook, social media crap sure makes it easy to find somebody to say all the right things to you. I much prefer the old days except for helpful forums like this.


No one thought their cheating spouse would be capable of this.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Start doing the 180. It will fortify you emotionally and help you detach. It's almost like emotional armor. Some of the steps will not apply in your case since you are not living with her, but the rest are invaluable.

_*1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.*_


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## DiamondsandRust (Jan 21, 2014)

i once met a girl, and it was good but then i found out about her past and some issues that she had, guess what i did. I walked away and no body got hurt. 

everyone has a past. 

what i think you have been doing:
1 the savior
2 the protector
3 the best friend

you need to stop thinking her as a victim. she may not be mentally able to keep on a straight path. and she has shown you that. 
if you take her back, she might do it again. 

but she sounds like my x. she wants nothing to do with me. and that my friend, really hurt. but i got over it. now i'm the one who wants nothing to do with her. 

as time goes by you will learn that she's not a victim. 
after a while you will thank her for leaving. 
seriously, i thank her for leaving. 

the more time you spend with a person, the more you invest your dreams and your life into that relationship. 

you are free now and able to start fresh.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

dubby said:


> I am just shocked how fast she moved on a month after we said we were done, and is having someone stay over now. I just don't know how to get rid of the thought that somebody is now screwing the person you married and loved. I just want to call her a big **** and that she doesnt have the decency to wait until the ink is even dried after being served. She is being so disrespectful like our marriage meant nothing to her. Married 5 years.


My answer completely depends on why your marriage failed.

eta: OK, went back and read the thread. In your situation, I can understand the shock. Best case scenario is the detachment first and then, ready to move on once it was public. Worst case: cheating before.  it sucks...but it does get easier. Try to stay busy and focus on you; your interests, ambitions and what makes you excited.

My initial answer was because I could see my stbx saying the same thing...but he is a narcissistic serial cheater who was a cake eater...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It takes time. It is going to hurt and suck for a long time but one day you will look up and it will sting less.

You may even feel happy that this happened.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

This hurts and sucks and is hard for you and will be for sometime. Everyone says that time makes it easier and that is true but still hard to hear b/c in the moment, you feel like your world has ended. We have all been there and some of us are still there.

I don't have any magical answers for you except to say that you deserve better. My EX also had an affair and was with a different person than the affair partner within a day of deciding that he didn't want to give me time to rebuild trust. A year later, he is still with the other woman. A year later and it still hurts and I still question why this is all happening. But I am now trying to put the focus back on me b/c as long as I focus on him, then he gets what he wants. I am digging into my past, which is so hard to do and finding out why I am having trouble letting go and what my issues stem from. 

Lean on any friends that you have that have been through a divorce and stay active here. I have been on this stie for almost a year and I can tell you that I am just now to the point of being able to post any advice to anyone else.

Chin up ... life will get better!


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Dubby I really can relate to your situation. And let me tell you if you think 2 months is bad, try two weeks. Yeah that's what my d*** head of a stbxh did. I found out two months after but he actually started officially dating this ow two weeks after he ended our marriage and told me to leave. She even basically moved in with him, so within two weeks he had 'moved on' without a care in the world. 

What others have already said is very true, do the 180 I wish I had stuck to it instead of clinging on to false hope. I won't go into too much detail (you only need to look at my own thread to see) but I made excuses for him for a very long time. When in fact I should have just taken it as what it was. He is seeing someone else and he completely disrespected our marriage, me and even himself. 

Your ex is doing the same and has shown what she thinks of your marriage now. Sorry to be harsh but I was too soft and let him give bull**** excuses. They've made their decision and are distracting themselves the most.

I know it is so difficult but focus on yourself and don't let this stop you from moving forward. It is bad enough dealing with a broken marriage but then finding out that your ex is seeing someone else is like rubbing salt into the wound. I think it does take longer to get past it. Knowing my stbxh was seeing someone else so soon only made me feel like I was the problem, that I wasn't good enough. But I'm glad I didn't jump into any serious relationships straight away, I only recently started going on dates with guys. It is better to take some time to be on your own and look after yourself. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Although you may find it upsetting, the simple fact remains your marriage is over. It ended when you both said you were done.

It's not about disrespect either, she simply doesn't love you anymore, she also probably doesn't even like you. In her mind your forthcoming divorce is merely a formality, so she's moved on with her life.

Whether you want to or not you're going to have to move on with your life as well, since you are no longer following the same path together. So you may as well get out there and have some or more of the fun she's having.


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