# Well, she did it...



## MKC6416 (Aug 2, 2018)

Well, she did it. My wife filed for divorce last week. Like so many other guys, I was completely taken by surprise. We have been together for 3 years and married for 2. We have a beautiful 11 month old baby girl together. They are both the lights of my life and best thing that ever happened to me. 

Sure, we have been arguing more lately but I thought it was no big deal and we would get through it. Between having our daughter, health, job, and family issues we have both been under a lot of stress lately. I thought we would be able to navigate this period and things would get better. I had no idea how miserable she was. She tried to tell me but I wouldn't listen. I was focused on my own problems, and wasn't paying attention to her emotional and service needs. I was harsh with her at times out of some sort of self riotous ego thing I had going on. She asked to go to counseling but like a fool I refused. If I'm honest, I might not have gotten anything out of it anyway. I was acting out of self defense and the need to be right. Now that I'm faced with the reality of divorce I would do anything to have my family back. 

My efforts to reconcile have fallen flat. I'm sure she sees my dramatically caring behavior as temporary and fake. Coming out of desperation and not love. I can't say she's far off, but I don't know for sure. She's not talking to me unless it's about our daughter's wellbeing. She never once threatened divorce or offered and ultimatum. She knows it would have likely just upset me. She's an incredibly insightful woman. 

I have an appointment with an attorney tomorrow. I guess I'm supposed to come up with a parenting plan. Up until 12 days ago my plan was to raise our daughter in a loving home with her mom and dad. Now I'm forced to decide which days of the week I want to see her until she's grown. This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make. There are no good options. Only bad and worse.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long were the two of you married? How old are you two?

I'm sure this is hard for you. A lot of us here have been through divorce and even infidelity so we get it. 

Do you have friends and family who can provide emotional support for you?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Out of the blue?
Blindsided?
Arguing more.....

Hmmmm. Checked your phone bill lately?

A woman doesn’t leave a man she has kids with, a new baby with, unless......


Yeah, I’m crazy and always think the worst.
Guards her phone?
Distant?
Started working out or dressing differently?
Change in sex habits?

Divorce isn’t the end of the world, it just feels that way. It may be a blessing in disguise.

Either way, I know how painful it is and wish you the best.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

First, I am going to assume that she is not cheating based on your description of your marriage and your own behavior. Believe it or not, not all women who divorce are screwing around.

I would recommend two books: His Needs, Her Needs and Lovebusters. The man who wrote them also does phone counseling, and he has a lot of success.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

I'm with @Evinrude58. If you guys have been arguing and she in particular has been more pissy than usual, there could be another person in the picture. Whatever might have been going on in your marriage, you're owning up to your side of the street, but infidelity is a deal breaker. Yup, dressing up, whitening teeth, working out, yup. 

But personofinterest could be right. There may not be infidelity involved. The arguing, though, is a trigger. My h turned into a bastard when he started cheating on ME, like it was MY fault he had to look elsewhere. Pay attention and be alert, bro.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I don't think she is cheating, so many people jump to that conclusion... I am not getting that vibe here based on your post. 

I am glad to see that you acknowledge your behavior here. I have been where your wife is, fighting and fighting to be heard, to be acknowledged, to be prioritized, only to have it fall on deaf ears. I can tell you from my own experience that begging and pleading and trying to kiss her ass will not work, that will only drive her away that much faster. I would suggest that you get into therapy to get to the bottom of your own behavior, so that in the future, you don't repeat the same pattern with another partner. Only communicate with her regarding your daughter or the settlement details, the less contact between you, the better for you in the long run. 

I am not giving your wife a free pass, because I have no way to know her side of things, but based on what your shared, I can relate with her. I am sorry you are here and are going through this. Divorce is not the end of the world, and even though it may not feel like it, you will make it through this and have a chance to be better for it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Women who are cheating generally don't ask for counseling. 

I have to laugh at the way so many go right to cheating. Is it possible? Of course.....lots of things are possible. But according to so many here women can't win..... on one hand we'll be told that men need a 2x4 in the form of a divorce threat to get them to pay attention to their wives' unhappiness, but if they actually do this then they must be cheating because women don't leave without someone lined up. 

Sounds like a responsibility dodge to me. I mean, if she's cheating then nothing is really his fault. 

I left my ex with a 2 and 5 year old..... if he posted on tam I've no doubt he would've been told I must have been cheating. 

Umm...no, I didn't want to be married to a jerk.

OP, protect yourself legally and work on bettering yourself.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The request for counseling, I agree, is not indicative of a cheater. However, the sudden fighting and divorce without so much as an “I’m gonna divorce you if you don’t change”....
Is.

I don’t know that she’s cheating, but I do know the signs. Mist are present here.

What woman would want to divorce with an 11 month old baby without a plan?
Is she that well off financially?

Is OP that horrible?

When a woman starts cheating and blindsides her husband, they typically display betrayed spouse syndrome and accept all the blame for everything in the marriage. They grovel ans plead and drive their wife farther away.

I can say this with complete confidence:

OP, don’t waste your time groveling, pleading, crying, writing a long letter of apology and how you understand her feelings like you see suggested on the net. That crap is 100% guaranteed to drive her further away.


And all the debate posters always cry that we jump to cheating every time...... then the OP posts back that he found out there was another man. They first claim it’s just an emotional affair, then later they find out “shocker”.....it was physical as well.

99% chance another man is in the pictire.
Sorry ladies, it’s not like it doesn’t happen this way every day around the world.

Whether she’s found another dude or not, the advice is the same. Detach and don’t try to hold up the divorce. One the live switch is thrown, for whatever reason with a woman, it isn’t getting flipped back on, no matter what he does.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

MKC6416 said:


> Well, she did it. My wife filed for divorce last week. Like so many other guys, I was completely taken by surprise. We have been together for 3 years and married for 2. We have a beautiful 11 month old baby girl together. They are both the lights of my life and best thing that ever happened to me.
> 
> Sure, we have been arguing more lately but I thought it was no big deal and we would get through it. Between having our daughter, health, job, and family issues we have both been under a lot of stress lately. I thought we would be able to navigate this period and things would get better. I had no idea how miserable she was. She tried to tell me but I wouldn't listen. I was focused on my own problems, and wasn't paying attention to her emotional and service needs. I was harsh with her at times out of some sort of self riotous ego thing I had going on. She asked to go to counseling but like a fool I refused. If I'm honest, I might not have gotten anything out of it anyway. I was acting out of self defense and the need to be right. Now that I'm faced with the reality of divorce I would do anything to have my family back.
> 
> ...


By your description, I do not read anything close to a loving home. 



> If I'm honest, I might not have gotten anything out of it anyway.


Seems you dismiss a lot. Your marriage as one of them. 

It appears your W has completely detached as a result of inaction on your part. It will be very hard to overcome this detachment. Specifically, I'm sure, you have said you will change and that takes actions, not words, to show the change. A change that is lasting. This is hard to demonstrate when living in different places. 

There is no way in heck your W will attempt to work this through with you?

Much like me, you need to realize your shortcomings in the marriage. Much like me, you will need to approach you W with hat in hand. Acknowledge were you went wrong. Your plan of correcting. Now I understand your W may have her shortcomings as well. These can be worked out if both parties are willing.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> Out of the blue?
> Blindsided?
> Arguing more.....
> 
> ...


Unless...? She has a good job and has been asking and talking with an unlistening husband. Why does everyone assume adultry? I suppose if you are a hammer, everything looks like a nail.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> The request for counseling, I agree, is not indicative of a cheater. However, the sudden fighting and divorce without so much as an “I’m gonna divorce you if you don’t change”....
> Is.


Not for me it would not be. If threat of loss is the only motivator to hear me, then hasta la vista, baby. Threat of loss means the relationship is All About Him (in this example since I am a wife).


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## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

Sorry to say you see what caused you to be in this situation....you ignored everything she was trying to tell you and this is the consequences of that. Women try and try and try but when we see no effort in our partner to hear us, the next step is to throw in the towel because she can't carry the marriage by herself. Many men have this attitude of avoidance. Like if you just avoid the situation it will go away by itself. Now you see that doesn't work. She was crying out to you and you basically told her to shut up and get over it.

The ONLY thing you can ask of her at this point is to go to counseling. Anything else will be hitting a steel wall. Forget sharing your feelings, begging her back, telling her you will change...........all she is saying in her head is "Yeah right, when I needed you to try you didn't". If she refuses counseling. It's over.

Take it as a lesson learned and brace yourself for the process.

Good luck.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> Not for me it would not be. If threat of loss is the only motivator to hear me, then hasta la vista, baby. Threat of loss means the relationship is All About Him (in this example since I am a wife).





MZMEE said:


> Sorry to say you see what caused you to be in this situation....you ignored everything she was trying to tell you and this is the consequences of that. Women try and try and try but when we see no effort in our partner to hear us, the next step is to throw in the towel because she can't carry the marriage by herself. Many men have this attitude of avoidance. Like if you just avoid the situation it will go away by itself. Now you see that doesn't work. She was crying out to you and you basically told her to shut up and get over it.
> 
> The ONLY thing you can ask of her at this point is to go to counseling. Anything else will be hitting a steel wall. Forget sharing your feelings, begging her back, telling her you will change...........all she is saying in her head is "Yeah right, when I needed you to try you didn't". If she refuses counseling. It's over.
> 
> ...


Quoted for truth in these situations.

My W was at the point of D and said it because of my anger issues, lack of attention and general overall stupidity. 

I was blessed to pull it back from the brink with a lot of work. Our marriage has NEVER been better.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> Not for me it would not be. If threat of loss is the only motivator to hear me, then hasta la vista, baby. Threat of loss means the relationship is All About Him (in this example since I am a wife).


Yup. My husband very threateningly said to me one time, "I'm going to find me a new girlfriend." And then he did just that.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

First of all, the arguing isn't sudden. He simply said there had been more lately....not the same thing. 

And she didn't blindside him..... by his own admission she was quite clear in her unhappiness. He just chose to ignore it. 

He may not have expected divorce papers but he was well aware that all wasn't well. 

Any efforts he makes now will be seen as self serving, so they need to be done for his improvement.


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## MKC6416 (Aug 2, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> I don't think she is cheating, so many people jump to that conclusion... I am not getting that vibe here based on your post.
> 
> I am glad to see that you acknowledge your behavior here. I have been where your wife is, fighting and fighting to be heard, to be acknowledged, to be prioritized, only to have it fall on deaf ears. I can tell you from my own experience that begging and pleading and trying to kiss her ass will not work, that will only drive her away that much faster. I would suggest that you get into therapy to get to the bottom of your own behavior, so that in the future, you don't repeat the same pattern with another partner. Only communicate with her regarding your daughter or the settlement details, the less contact between you, the better for you in the long run.
> 
> I am not giving your wife a free pass, because I have no way to know her side of things, but based on what your shared, I can relate with her. I am sorry you are here and are going through this. Divorce is not the end of the world, and even though it may not feel like it, you will make it through this and have a chance to be better for it.


You are spot on here. I am 95% certain she is not cheating. She just wasn't being heard. You're also right about trying to kiss her ass is driving her away that much faster. I went to 2 different therapists this week. One for me and one for us. She didn't show to the one I scheduled for the two of us. 



lifeistooshort said:


> Women who are cheating generally don't ask for counseling.
> 
> I have to laugh at the way so many go right to cheating. Is it possible? Of course.....lots of things are possible.
> 
> ...


All my guy friends keep telling me there must be someone else. I'm afraid the truth is much more sad than that. I just wasn't hearing her when she would send me emails about her love language. I was focused on my own problems/feelings, and not hers. I don't think a divorce threat would have done the trick. I would have just taken it personally and gotten upset. It took being served actual divorce papers and her driving a wedge in between us for me to actually take a look at myself and examine our interactions over the last year to see it. I actually told her once, "If you're not happy after everything I've done for you, why don't you divorce me". I regret saying those words more than anything in my life. The truth is, I did very little for her outside of providing for her basic survival needs. I just couldn't see it at the time. I've grown as a person more in these last 2 weeks than I have the last 10 years. I'm afraid it's too little too late though.


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## MKC6416 (Aug 2, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> I don't think she is cheating, so many people jump to that conclusion... I am not getting that vibe here based on your post.
> 
> I am glad to see that you acknowledge your behavior here. I have been where your wife is, fighting and fighting to be heard, to be acknowledged, to be prioritized, only to have it fall on deaf ears. I can tell you from my own experience that begging and pleading and trying to kiss her ass will not work, that will only drive her away that much faster. I would suggest that you get into therapy to get to the bottom of your own behavior, so that in the future, you don't repeat the same pattern with another partner. Only communicate with her regarding your daughter or the settlement details, the less contact between you, the better for you in the long run.
> 
> I am not giving your wife a free pass, because I have no way to know her side of things, but based on what your shared, I can relate with her. I am sorry you are here and are going through this. Divorce is not the end of the world, and even though it may not feel like it, you will make it through this and have a chance to be better for it.


You are a very insightful woman. Just like my wife. I am 99% sure she isn't cheating. She was just tired of fighting to be heard. You are also right about kissing ass is driving her away faster. I've been to 2 therapists this week. One I scheduled for me, and the other I scheduled for the two of us. She didn't show up. 



lifeistooshort said:


> Women who are cheating generally don't ask for counseling.
> 
> I have to laugh at the way so many go right to cheating. Is it possible? Of course.....lots of things are possible. But according to so many here women can't win..... on one hand we'll be told that men need a 2x4 in the form of a divorce threat to get them to pay attention to their wives' unhappiness, but if they actually do this then they must be cheating because women don't leave without someone lined up.
> 
> ...


It's funny, all my guy friends automatically assume she has someone else. I'm afraid the truth is much more sad. Even if she had hit me with a threat of divorce, I would have become defensive and gotten upset. It took being served with actual divorce papers, and her driving a wedge between us for me to examine our interactions over the last year. She sent me an email back in April with her love language results, and asked me to take the quiz. Of course I ignored it. 

I've learned more about myself and my wife these last 2 weeks than the entire 3 years we've been together. I've just never taken a step outside my own ego to examine myself in an honest way.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

MKC6416 said:


> You are a very insightful woman. Just like my wife. I am 99% sure she isn't cheating. She was just tired of fighting to be heard. You are also right about kissing ass is driving her away faster. I've been to 2 therapists this week. One I scheduled for me, and the other I scheduled for the two of us. She didn't show up.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


It is sad for you and your wife and child that it took this for you to see. BUT you did see. Many don't. It is really tough. We know what we know when we know it.


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## MKC6416 (Aug 2, 2018)

Yeswecan said:


> It appears your W has completely detached as a result of inaction on your part. It will be very hard to overcome this detachment. Specifically, I'm sure, you have said you will change and that takes actions, not words, to show the change. A change that is lasting. This is hard to demonstrate when living in different places.
> 
> There is no way in heck your W will attempt to work this through with you?
> 
> Much like me, you need to realize your shortcomings in the marriage. Much like me, you will need to approach you W with hat in hand. Acknowledge were you went wrong. Your plan of correcting. Now I understand your W may have her shortcomings as well. These can be worked out if both parties are willing.


The more I double down on my efforts to show her change, the more she doubles down on her efforts to put space between us.



NobodySpecial said:


> Not for me it would not be. If threat of loss is the only motivator to hear me, then hasta la vista, baby. Threat of loss means the relationship is All About Him (in this example since I am a wife).


Exactly this. She sees it as more selfish behavior. I'm in a loose/loose situation. Unfortunately our 11 month old daughter is caught in the middle.


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## MKC6416 (Aug 2, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> How long were the two of you married? How old are you two?


We were married 2 years. She is 30 and I'm 33.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

MKC6416 said:


> The more I double down on my efforts to show her change, the more she doubles down on her efforts to put space between us.


She has detached and determined to not make it work. Your efforts appear to be in vain. I'm sorry.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

MKC6416 said:


> The more I double down on my efforts to show her change, the more she doubles down on her efforts to put space between us.
> 
> 
> 
> Exactly this. She sees it as more selfish behavior. I'm in a loose/loose situation. Unfortunately our 11 month old daughter is caught in the middle.


Why do you persist in a strategy that isn't working?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MKC6416 said:


> You are spot on here. I am 95% certain she is not cheating. She just wasn't being heard. You're also right about trying to kiss her ass is driving her away that much faster. I went to 2 different therapists this week. One for me and one for us. She didn't show to the one I scheduled for the two of us.
> 
> 
> 
> All my guy friends keep telling me there must be someone else. I'm afraid the truth is much more sad than that. I just wasn't hearing her when she would send me emails about her love language. I was focused on my own problems/feelings, and not hers. I don't think a divorce threat would have done the trick. I would have just taken it personally and gotten upset. It took being served actual divorce papers and her driving a wedge in between us for me to actually take a look at myself and examine our interactions over the last year to see it. I actually told her once, "If you're not happy after everything I've done for you, why don't you divorce me". I regret saying those words more than anything in my life. The truth is, I did very little for her outside of providing for her basic survival needs. I just couldn't see it at the time. I've grown as a person more in these last 2 weeks than I have the last 10 years. I'm afraid it's too little too late though.




A lot of guys say that because it allows them to dodge responsibility for not treating their wife well.

If she's cheating then he's not responsible for anything. 

I'd bet few would accuse other men who want out because, for example, their wife won't have sex with them, of cheating. I mean, clearly the only reason such a guy could want out is if he had someone else, right?

Um...no. Maybe it was because he wasn't being treated well.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I concur that it really doesn't seem to me like she's been engaged in any cheating! 

But by the same token, she's being rather harda$$ in suddenly pressing for the divorce!

Is she living on her own, with a roommate, or with parents? Is she employed? What do both of your parents think about the recent turn of events?

As is, you need to try to exercise "the 180" in acquiescing to her rather sudden departure and start to work with your lawyer for an equitable property division and child custody scenario!

Best of luck to you, my friend!*


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I feel for you OP, I'm not sure there's anything you can do now. When a woman is done, she's done.

You said yourself she tried numerous times to talk to you, she did fight for the marriage but she can't do it on her own.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MKC6416 said:


> The more I double down on my efforts to show her change, the more she doubles down on her efforts to put space between us.


Maybe she is just done. However she may not have been cheating when she asked for counseling but maybe there was someone in the wings waiting. Lets see how fast she goes on to someone else. 

I mean how awful were you? Were you abusive or just neglectful? I get it you were a louse but still she doesn't want to try to save her family? Nah I bet something is up.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> A lot of guys say that because it allows them to dodge responsibility for not treating their wife well.
> 
> If she's cheating then he's not responsible for anything.
> 
> ...


You know I would for most things.

In this case I am still trying to figure out if he was abusive or neglectful. Also 2 years when part of the first she is pregnant is just doesn't seem like a long time when you have a new baby. 

But yes, she may just be done.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Sorry for your situation but as we all have done, we entered into a marriage that fails more than succeeds thinking we can beat the odds due to the chemicals of courtship love washing over our brains and not thinking about how the future will change us due go children and growing in different directions. Sorry that you find yourself on the losing end of the marriage gamble.

My wife and I took a different approach and designed our own marriage making our own rules and expectations. As I believe, if your current set of morals does not work for you, find new ones that do and that is what we did during our 46 years of marriage. I advise you to not repeat the same mistakes in your second marriage and structure it as you see fit and not as you have been indoctrinated to believe. You will find love again and from personal experience with my many friends and our siblings, the second marriage can be much better than the first. 

If I can offer one piece of advice, having dated several separate and recently divorced women, don't take a wife for granted. Treat them like you did while courting/dating them. We men tend to take our wives for granted while they want to be made to feel desirable and sexy like they felt when dating us. When having kids, make room for the two of you or else the focus shifts from you two to the kids, and you grow apart from each other. We filled the hole in our marriage by sharing a girlfriend who gave my wife and I what we needed that we could not provide for each other. We put our marriage before all else, even monogamy which is handed to us with no alternative but divorce. Not suggesting you do as we do but be aware that no two people can fulfill all the needs of the other and make allowances for that or else resentment and cheating will follow.

I know it is rough at the beginning but you will find another women to love and make your life better. I recommend online dating sites since all of our divorced friends found new wives online and they are married long time and happy. There is much to be said when you advertise for exactly what you want in a woman. Good luck and get through this so you can move on.

While I did not lose a wife, I lost a fiancé of 5 years and thought my world was over. Turns out that it was the best thing that every happened to me since it let me meet my wonderful wife of 46 years. In the future we are the result of not only the good but bad things that happen to us. For this reason I would not eliminate any of the bad things in my past because they made me what I am and I am great. You will be great too.


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