# No fixing this



## okpicker60 (Jul 8, 2012)

I am becoming increasingly depressed over my situation. My father in law moved in with us a couple of years ago. It was becoming dangerous for him to live by himself. I have a wealthy, retired brother in law who receives a huge pention every month yet it was my wife who had to quit her job to stay home and take care of her father. I am sick of the lack of privacy. I am sick of the disgusting messes. He needs to be in a nursing home so bad. It is all because they want his money. They don't want the nursing home to eat up what he has. How long do I have to put with this? His health is horrible but it has been for a long time. he could go on like this for another 5 years or more. I just won't do it. Our marriage sucked before this. Now it is unbareable. It is getting so depressing for me. I am a good man. A lot of women would love have a man like me yet I am stuck in this hell hole. I refuse to live the rest of life like this. I am healthy and fit and no one on her side of the family is. They just don't care about the health. I could go on but i will leave it there for now. Do I have to live like this???


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hell no, at the very least your chick could at least meet more of your needs as you sacrifice, and the onlt reason I say this is b/c your chick's sacrifice is out of creed.

It would be one thing she was making sacrifices also, but from what you told me she ain't....and thats wrong.


IMHO, its you or the money.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

BTW, these days nurseing homes are way better then they once were. In my experience the old man will get a hell of alot better care and help being around poeple his own age and the actividies and health care nursing homes provide. 

I totaly see the selfishness in you chick, b/c I saw it in my older brother. It wasn't until my sis took the step to get mom out of bro's home and into a nursing home that my mom took a turn for the better.


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## okpicker60 (Jul 8, 2012)

They will never agree to put him in a nursing home until he is so far gone that there will not be a choice. It is one against four. It is a late time in life for a divorce but it may come to that. Pretty defeatest I guess.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

When you got married you vowed "in sickness and in health"........HER sickness and health not dads. No obligation here man.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

I have watched my parents and their siblings go through this with every one of my grandparents. The result is deep-seeded resentment all the way around that may take years to resolve, if it ever even gets resolved. I would have a long talk with your wife about it, tell her how you feel. If that doesn't get you anywhere, then you've got some hard choices ahead. Not divorce, necessarily, I think that's a bit extreme, but still hard choices.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

They don't want him in a nursing home, then how about him living with another of his children?
It's your home too, so how come you don't have a say in your FIL moving out with another family member?
Why does he have to live with you, it's very selfish for your BIL to not take his own father into his home.


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## okpicker60 (Jul 8, 2012)

BIY is too busy traveling around the country in their motor home. i am so resentful and bitter about it all. Every time I try to discuss it it turns into a huge fight. I have threatened divorce and of course she told her brothers.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think you're being pretty unkind and insensitive to your wife. 

I realize that taking care of an aging parent is a HUGE undertaking. It is heart-rending and difficult for anyone, and for you as her husband, it can seem like an unfair situation even if she didn't have any other siblings. 

However, this is a person who your wife loves deeply. It is one of her family members. The rest of her family may be selfish buffoons, but the one who lives in your home needs help, and your wife has chosen to provide it. As her husband, you should love and support her during difficult times, not add to her stress. 

Your wife could ask that the relatives chip in for some escape time - maybe a weekend each month for respite care so the two of you can have some connection time. She could take it from her father's existing funds - whatever it is that'd be paying for a nursing home - or even provide herself with a small but reasonable income in the meantime. 

But for you to force her into a "choose me or your dad" scenario when he can't help what has happened to him is really uncool, in my opinion.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

If you are venting then I undestand My inlaws dont live with me but 2 houses down from me. They are both quite old, in poor health and mentally incompetent. I take care of their every need. I do their grocery shopping medicate them twice a day, care for his bedsores and put up with several calls everyday for this that and the other. It can wear on my last nerve but it makes life a little easier on my wife and thats all that matters to me. 

You will not always be in the kind of health you are in now. You may well find yourself on the other end one day. If I were you I would keep that in mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## okpicker60 (Jul 8, 2012)

There is a lot more to this than what I have posted on here. I know I could very well be in this situation some day but I would not hesitate to put myself in a nursing home if it got to this point. I will not do this to my kids. It is all about the money and I don't give a rip about it. If the brothers want his damn money so much then they can take care of him. Don't tell me I'm selfish when you are not here living this with me. I'm not supprting my wife? Thats all I have done for 35 years. How about a little support from her brothers. They won't even come and watch him for a weekend so we can go to my one and only grandsons birthday party.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

okpicker60 said:


> There is a lot more to this than what I have posted on here. I know I could very well be in this situation some day but I would not hesitate to put myself in a nursing home if it got to this point. I will not do this to my kids. It is all about the money and I don't give a rip about it. If the brothers want his damn money so much then they can take care of him. Don't tell me I'm selfish when you are not here living this with me. I'm not supprting my wife? Thats all I have done for 35 years. How about a little support from her brothers. They won't even come and watch him for a weekend so we can go to my one and only grandsons birthday party.


I think it's pretty pathetic & selfish of your BILs to do this to you & your wife.
This is your home too, your FIL has lived with you for 5 years, with your family shouldering the full burden of caring for someone who could very well be in a home.
I can see how this could be the end of your marriage, especially if your wife refuses to do anything about the situation in your household.
I fully understandd it's her father, but she does have siblings that should be fully engaged in the care of their father. 
Family is important, but so is having a balance in your life & home, your BILs are taking advantage of your wife & I'm sorry that she doesn't see that way. 
I think you have every reason to be upset.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Okie,

You weren't happy in your marriage before, so why not head on out? Your kids are grown and out of the house. Explain to your kids what you're going to do and exactly why. No need to file, just boogie on down the highway and see the world.


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## okpicker60 (Jul 8, 2012)

Thanks mach and phenix. I have second guessed myself for a long time. Wondering if I have the right to be so angry. They won't even allow home health care to come in. There is a time for making decisions when he can't or won't make them himself but my wife won't. As my daughter said; "I don't know what the rest of your life is going to be like". She and my son both see the situation for what it is. They would, at this time, understand if I left. But I won't. This is my life.. for better or worse.


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