# Loved our marriage but wife cheated



## z27916 (Jul 11, 2013)

My wife and I have been married for 10 years. 2 kids ages 7 and 2. I just caught her on the phone with the OM 5 days ago. I heard bits and pieces of the conversation until I couldn't deny what was going on. That's when I confronted her. Can't describe how I felt. I simply don't have the vocabulary for it.
After a few hours of badgering her I finally worked the truth out of her. 
The conversation I heard did not suggest a long term relationship or that she wanted to keep the relationship going. But I only heard bits and pieces. I think he drunk dialed her after a one night stand... sort of...
What se has told me is that she slept with him 10 years ago and again 7 days ago. In the interest of keeping this post shorter I wont explain why the ten years ago part is a minimal concern for me.
Here's the weird part. We have talked, at length every night since then. Some of those nights I just spit bile at her while she just took it and cried. Other nights have been better. We've had sex twice!!!!
It has got to be too good to be true. The level of honesty that I have with her about my feelings is to a fault. I don't understand.
I don't know if she is being honest with me. I may never know. But I do believe she is sorry. For a time I thought she was going to hurt herself and took away her ability to lock herself in a room. 
I don't get it. Am I naïve? Were going to counseling. I love her


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

TIme to check the phone records to find the real truth. I think that you are still being lied to and that more will come out. I am sorry you are here and wish you the best, but I think that you need to brace yourself for the worst. Request complete transparency (all phone records, email accounts, social media passwords, etc). This is your best chance to learn the truth. Very rarely when a BS is told it was just once is that ever the truth.

Good luck.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

z27916 said:


> Here's the weird part. We have talked, at length every night since then. Some of those nights I just spit bile at her while she just took it and cried. Other nights have been better. We've had sex twice!!!!
> It has got to be too good to be true. The level of honesty that I have with her about my feelings is to a fault. I don't understand.


Both the sexual thing, specially, and the honest conversation associated is a well known phenomenon called hysterical bonding. Google it. Enjoy the ride.

Lay the law here:
She needs to send a NC text or letter to OM (ask us advice if you wish).
She needs to become an open book regarding comunication devices and whereabouts.
She needs to disclose what the hell happened, to your entire satisfaction. She must come clean about past transgressions if any.
She must get (you too) and STD test.
She must get rid of the tainted clothes.
___ insert here whatever demand you find reasonable.

On her back make a little snooping work, since pulling the phone records to spying her social media, emails, etc

Familiarice with the lingo here:
Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Yes, you a probably being TT'd. How bad will remain to be seen.

Tell her that you want here to come clean on anything that she might have left out. Than tell here you are scheduling a polygragh test and if she doesn't pass you're filling for a D.

WATCH HER REACTION CLOSELY when you tell her this.


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## z27916 (Jul 11, 2013)

I checked her phone records and emails without her knowledge. Found out the OMs number. It checks out. Well, at least up to a few months back. We've had very frank discussions about how I need full disclosure... blah blah blah. I told her that I cannot believe her because she has only disclosed what she has been cornered into, which isn't totally true but true enough to leave me aware of the fact that if there is more out there I may never find out. 
Aside from that I don't know how else to find more truth. This is a pretty sharp girl were talking about here. The fact that I was able to get into her phone records, even deleted calls, was luck. Her passwords are predictable and her time is spent largely with her family which would never support infidelity... never say never though. 
If I find more ways to verify I will exercise them but short of hiring a private investigator I have no more tools.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Your only question was "am I being naive".

If you think she had sex with this guy 10 year ago and 1 week ago and no more than that, then the answer is 'yes'.

You cannot believe a thing she tells you although if she tells you something bad then you can probably take it as fact but only the tip of the proverbial iceberg.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Polygraph time!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I would wait on mc until you really know what you are up against. Put a VAR in her car and yes surprise her tell her she is going for a polygraph test.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

And get 2 DNA test kits for each kid just to show what you think of her word.


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## z27916 (Jul 11, 2013)

Acabado said:


> Both the sexual thing, specially, and the honest conversation associated is a well known phenomenon called hysterical bonding. Google it. Enjoy the ride.
> 
> Lay the law here:
> She needs to send a NC text or letter to OM (ask us advice if you wish).
> ...


We have already done most of those things. The NC letter was a text before she told me everything that I checked on her phone records. Maybe not as formal as it should be but I appreciate that it was short and concise. 

I don't see the need for getting rid of tainted clothes. I'm not against it or anything but it just seems trivial.

Everything else we have already done. I still check her phone records and she still seems unaware that I am able to see deleted calls or texts. Can't actually read the texts just see whom they are from/to.

I guess I realize that the truth will come as I can get it. I just am confused about the speed of this recovery. I don't think it is real. We both know that we will, and have to a degree already, moved backwards and forward and backwards again. But it seems like a lot of growth for 5 days and I am wary of it's authenticity

I am bracing myself for more. She is aware that I don't fully believe I know everything. The crappy part is that if she has nothing else to admit I'll never know and always wonder. I told her that I will not corner her into the truth anymore because I am hoping that she will volunteer something that is difficult as a sign of a commitment to honesty. I


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Do not go to MC. In all lkelihood, unless you get the rottweiler that a cheater needs the MC will enable your wife, rugsweep and blame you for everything.

As others have said, you are almost certainly being trickle truthed; they all do it. No exceptions.

You have to imagine the absolute worst case scenario - whatever opportunity she had, she had sex with him. You can believe NOTHING that she says. If she tells you a small part of the truth, this will be in the hope that you fill in the blanks with a truth that exonerates her.

You are also deep in shock and trauma. As you begin to think more clearly, you will remember more; piece more together. You will probably get angry (or angrier) each time you realise she has lied again.

Remember, this woman has looked you in the eye knowing she has been having sex with another man. In this regard she has no conscience and she fully believes she was entitled to that sex. As such, all of her thoughts and effort will be in justifying it to her and part of that is lying, lying, then lying again. If she is anything like my ex wife (still together for now), she will then lie about the lies and lie about lying about the lies. Then, just for good measure she will lie about... you get the picture.

Good luck.

You'll need it - but keep posting. There is lots of good advice on here (a lot of duff advice too  )


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## z27916 (Jul 11, 2013)

Acabado said:


> Both the sexual thing, specially, and the honest conversation associated is a well known phenomenon called hysterical bonding. Google it. Enjoy the ride.
> 
> Lay the law here:
> She needs to send a NC text or letter to OM (ask us advice if you wish).
> ...


We've done most of that. She sent a text to OM on D Day. without her knowledge I verified that a text was sent at that time. She says the text was simply don't call me and remove my name from your phone. I have no way to verify that. But I think I can consider that the NC letter. I have been continuing to check her phone records, which allows me to see deleted calls and texts, without her knowledge. Time will tell. 
I basically have full access to everything that could be communication. I always have I just never excercised it. I realize that there could be others ways but I don't know what they could be


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Polygraph, DNA test the kids (yes yes I'm sure they look so much like you, pretty much every guy says this when the DNA test is brought up do it anyway and make sure she knows you're doing it).

And you ask if you're being naive? Only if you believe what she's told you so far.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Your wife may be a smart girl but you have the TAM Army behind you now: a think-tank of experienced posters, most of whom were betrayed at one time or another and who have seen just about everything. 

Please listen to what people here are telling you. You will get lots of good advice and some not-so-good advice. But rest assured you are only getting maybe 20% of the truth from her at this point. There is a good possibility your loving wife has been leading a double life for most of your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

LostViking said:


> Your wife may be a smart girl but you have the TAM Army behind you now: a think-tank of experienced posters, most of whom were betrayed at one time or another and who have seen just about everything.
> 
> Please listen to what people here are telling you. You will get lots of good advice and some not-so-good advice. But rest assured you are only getting maybe 20% of the truth from her at this point. There is a good possibility your loving wife has been leading a double life for most of your marriage.
> 
> ...


Agreed...just approach everything with a grain of salt and do some discrete digging and don't let her know what your doing. The goal is to find the truth and having her guard down around you helps you.

Old line but....just the facts...get those then make your decision one way or another.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

stop thinking as mr nice--guy, who loves his cheating wife so very much---would think

You have a weapon---a major weapon---its D/threat of D---USE IT

Tell her you want everything there is, and all records---or this mge is looking at an end

You do not have to ever finish a D---but starting the paperwork, or threat of that---will get you what you need---if it doesn't, either she doesn't give a sh*t---or there is nothing for her to tell

WHY---has she hooked back up with this guy---10 yrs later, and what was so wrong with your mge---that she would risk destroying her children/you/the mge---by spreading her legs for this guy---EVEN ONE TIME

WHY, WHY, WHY---you need to lay it out and make her tell you what was so wrong---or was she bored with you, bored with the mge, bored with her life, didn't really want to deal with her own kids----why did she KNOWINGLY, and she knew what she was risking----blow everything up, and cast nuclear winter on all of you

You need to take an extremely hard line here, and really find out what has been/is going on---it could very well be , this guy has been in her life, and has been her AP, for the whole 10 yrs of your mge---you need to make her answer---no answer---NO MGE---that is what you need to do-------do not be afraid to do this----you need to find out what you are dealing with----and to what extent, and why your wife needed to cheat on you, "dis" you, and spit on her vows, and ring.


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## z27916 (Jul 11, 2013)

To be honest as the days go on I am less and less interested in finding evidence against her. I have little to gain from finding out about more affairs or the extent of the one I know of. I'll still use the resources I have to snoop but not find out what she has done as much as to gage her to commitment to being honest going forward. 
I'm not going to DNA test my kids because the love I have for my children is not biological it was built. I don't even want the option of resenting them or loving them less because no matter what I am already their father. 
What I am more interested in is the overly functional recovery. I know it has to be a combination of rug sweeping, or hysterical bonding and, hopefully, genuine recovery.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Don't expect folks here to share your desire to rugsweep.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

z27916 said:


> To be honest as the days go on I am less and less interested in finding evidence against her. *I have little to gain from finding out about more affairs or the extent of the one I know of.*





> What I am more interested in is the overly functional recovery. I know it has to be a combination of rug sweeping, or hysterical bonding and, hopefully, *genuine recovery*.


The two quotes above are mutualy exclusive.
You need a diagnose of her,. It will come taking the red pill, knowing the reality of who she is in order to get the right medicide or even deciding whether "it" is recoverable.
I'ts not the same two random ONS ever a period of 15 years with the same man than serial cheating, emotional involvement... I.E. Serial cheaters, hard core cake eaters have very little chances of stopping while a "once time in the life" transgressor" is more workable.
Find out everything. How, who initiated, the full extent of her transgression/s, her though process... evaluate her so you have a clearer picture about she's someone safe to be with.

What if you find she's trolling internet for hooks ups since 2005? Wouldn't it change your perception?

Your choice is putting the head under the sand, rugsweeping the whole things.

There's at your disposition other sources more suited to you than TAM (I'm thinking on marriagebuilders).


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

z27916 said:


> To be honest as the days go on I am less and less interested in finding evidence against her. I have little to gain from finding out about more affairs or the extent of the one I know of. I'll still use the resources I have to snoop but not find out what she has done as much as to gage her to commitment to being honest going forward.
> I'm not going to DNA test my kids because the love I have for my children is not biological it was built. I don't even want the option of resenting them or loving them less because no matter what I am already their father.
> What I am more interested in is the overly functional recovery. I know it has to be a combination of rug sweeping, or hysterical bonding and, hopefully, genuine recovery.


1) What if the OM had a genetic disorder?
2) What if you have a genetic disorder?
3) What about allergies, benign genetic conditions?
4) What about The Truth and how you owe it to your children? 

No one is suggesting you disown your children - and they are, of course, yours. Exactly this happened to my nephew. I supported him through the DNA testing. His first child wasn't his, but he loves him exactly the same as the others, but it's an important fact.

Next up, your desire to rugsweep: You are too soon into this to decide. I was forgiving at first. Relieved to hear what I thought was the truth and assumed was the whole truth. I just wanted to move into the reconciliation phase - if nothing else it looked like a place where the pain wouldn't be as bad.

It's an enormous mistake, but I guess you have to make some mistakes yourself before you know your Truth.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

OP,

If you don't want to make every effort to confirm if this has been an ongoing affair, then you are most definitely rug sweeping.

If she cheated with him the first time when you were married or committed to each other, the odds of nothing happening in between are very small.

A VAR in her car is worth a try. Even though she likely won't use her cell phone to talk to him, she might use it to talk with a friend about the A; or she might use a burner phone if she's still in contact with him.

Whether you believe in the accuracy of polygraphs or not, short of a VAR, it is your best tool to learn the truth. Just the process of going through with one can lead to a confession. You have nothing to lose accept for the cost. What is knowing the truth worth to you? If she is truly remorseful, she will agree to one; if she's not, she won't.

Cheating spouses must have consequences or they will likely repeat the behavior. And trust me, you don't wont to have the future regret of not testing her remorse enough.

In this case, a polygraph would be one of those consequences, and a reasonable one.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Why would you not wanna find out why this is happening.

Do you have no respect for yourself---or is it fine that your wife has given herself to the same man TWICE over a period of 10 yrs.----Is it that you don't wanna have shoved in your face, that she may be more into her lover, than into you.

He is in her life, is some way shape and form, and what makes you think, once she thinks you have calmed down, that she won't take up with him again---except that she may have never actually left him, even now as we speak

He had to be pretty confident about his status with her, to call on the phone, in his drunken state----and do not ever forget this one little fact---she did not quit her A, or "out" herself, you caught her, only cuz her lover got sloppy and called her while drunk---she was/is/will be, still with her lover---you had better find out exactly what is going on, and in what kind of shape your mge, really is---cuz those who are satisfied with their mge---do not hook-up with other men/women


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

For the kids possible future medical issues you should DNA the kids god forbid one is in the emergency room and you find out then.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

I hate to tell you this Z but your "no consequences imposed" attitude is not an incentive to make her stop seeing this guy. There's a reason for what she did. If you don't find and correct it, and lock this thing down, she's going to see him again and you're going to ultimately be history anyway. (after the humiliation of having her activities in your face)
I can hear it now, "yes baby, I'll meet you. My husband ain't gonna do nothing noway. If he don't like it, he's free to leave."


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You sound like a really nice guy and this may be the problem. Do you feel that your wife thought she could have sex with this guy and even if she got caught you would forgive her anyway and therefore had nothing to lose? Do you think if you had made it clear that cheating would lead immediately to divorce that she would have screwed this guy?

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would be so accepting and forgiving as you have been? She has humiliated and disrespected you and your marriage in the worst possible way. Why was she willing to destroy her marriage?

You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes on her disrespect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Where did you overhear bits and pieces of her phone convo? If it was at home it doesn't bode well for the "once only after 10 yrs" story.

It takes a lot of nerve to conduct the first few dozen calls anywhere but in the most secure locations (such as in a car or a parking lot far from home). Think about it. Would you dare have such a convo from your own home?

No sir,Z, IMO she's been at it long enough to feel secure in calling/accepting callsfrom your own home.

Follow the advice provided. You need to demonstrate confidence without being an ass with her. Do not rug sweep!

Expose this guy to his wife or g/f.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You asked if you were being naive YES

Without a doubt! 

Get tested for stds 
Polygraph your wife it is a consequence and you may be shocked by the sudden remembrance if details

You caught your wife. She did not break down and tell you out of remorse or regret. You had to badger the information out of her. I doubt you have everything you need. 

Expose her to her family especially if they will not condone the cheating. You need all the allies you can find if you want to reconcile. 

Simply having her put out for you twice this week will not heal your marriage. That is only once more than you know she was banging om. 

I wish you well. But you need to be more decisive. Your rug sweeping will bite you big time as you enable her affair(s) and since she is so sharp she will just get better at hiding it from you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## z27916 (Jul 11, 2013)

There are a lot of good points here. I don't know if what I am doing is rug sweeping though. I'm certainly dealing with it directly with her. I just randomly take her phone and look through it. She stopped asking what I was doing when I told her I'm looking through her calls and texts. I figure if I can make her believe that I will be satisfied by looking at her phone than she might feel safe using it as long as she is deleting stuff. Meanwhile I look at everything she has deleted on the internet. Maybe she knows this can be done, hope not.
I'm still digging for truth and she knows it. I haven't let her think that I trust her... I don't. But I think that I need to be realistic about how I am going to find the truth. Polygraph seems unreliable but maybe I'm wrong I'll have to look into that. I'm guessing that the VAR is a secret recording device. That might be the ticket. I check her phone records everyday... so far so good but who gives a rip were only 5 days into this. I doubt she would use her phone anyways.
It's not that I can't see a scenario were she is still lying. I'm fairly confident that is the case. It's that I can't see a scenario were i'm going to catch her at anything new. She hasn't and I'm sure wont discuss this with anybody in our life. Her sisters and mother are her closest friends and they would not approve and just found out when she melted down in front of them. 
I guess I'm hung up on the fact that if she doesn't use her phone than I got no tricks up my sleave.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

The polygraph is more about a car park confession than the test itself.

She might think she can beat it, but most people won't.

It depends on her mentality.

I know my ex wife would take one and roll the dice on what came out.

Ultimately, it's a game of chicken. If she thinks there aren't REAL consequences to lies being discovered, she will carry on.

Heck, I even divorced my wife and she still carried on lying; she knows the only thing I have left is leaving. She catches all sorts of Hell when she lies to me and, despite some comments on another thread, I've gotten to the stage that I have stopped asking as it is pointless. If I haven't got the truth now then that's that anyway. 

However, I am 14 intense months in; you have to make your own mind up of course, but I think the feeling is that you are too soon - WAY too soon - into this to begin to decide.

You don't even know the beginnings of what has gone on yet and so you would not be making an informed choice if you decided to reconcile.

VAR= Voice Activated Recorder. Search for posts by Weightlifter for great advice on using and sourcing them (I used one for a while as it happens).


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

z27916 said:


> There are a lot of good points here. I don't know if what I am doing is rug sweeping though. I'm certainly dealing with it directly with her. I just randomly take her phone and look through it. She stopped asking what I was doing when I told her I'm looking through her calls and texts. I figure if I can make her believe that I will be satisfied by looking at her phone than she might feel safe using it as long as she is deleting stuff. Meanwhile I look at everything she has deleted on the internet. Maybe she knows this can be done, hope not.
> I'm still digging for truth and she knows it. I haven't let her think that I trust her... I don't. But I think that I need to be realistic about how I am going to find the truth. Polygraph seems unreliable but maybe I'm wrong I'll have to look into that. I'm guessing that the VAR is a secret recording device. That might be the ticket. I check her phone records everyday... so far so good but who gives a rip were only 5 days into this. I doubt she would use her phone anyways.
> It's not that I can't see a scenario were she is still lying. I'm fairly confident that is the case. It's that I can't see a scenario were i'm going to catch her at anything new. She hasn't and I'm sure wont discuss this with anybody in our life. Her sisters and mother are her closest friends and they would not approve and just found out when she melted down in front of them.
> I guess I'm hung up on the fact that if she doesn't use her phone than I got no tricks up my sleave.


You need to check the billing statements online if you have access to them, as the phone records only go back so far before they get overwritten by new data.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

z27916 said:


> There are a lot of good points here. I don't know if what I am doing is rug sweeping though. I'm certainly dealing with it directly with her. I just randomly take her phone and look through it. She stopped asking what I was doing when I told her I'm looking through her calls and texts. I figure if I can make her believe that I will be satisfied by looking at her phone than she might feel safe using it as long as she is deleting stuff. Meanwhile I look at everything she has deleted on the internet. Maybe she knows this can be done, hope not.
> I'm still digging for truth and she knows it. I haven't let her think that I trust her... I don't. But I think that I need to be realistic about how I am going to find the truth. Polygraph seems unreliable but maybe I'm wrong I'll have to look into that. I'm guessing that the VAR is a secret recording device. That might be the ticket. I check her phone records everyday... so far so good but who gives a rip were only 5 days into this. I doubt she would use her phone anyways.
> It's not that I can't see a scenario were she is still lying. I'm fairly confident that is the case. It's that I can't see a scenario were i'm going to catch her at anything new. She hasn't and I'm sure wont discuss this with anybody in our life. Her sisters and mother are her closest friends and they would not approve and just found out when she melted down in front of them.
> I guess I'm hung up on the fact that if she doesn't use her phone than I got no tricks up my sleave.


Z,

You have to know what you are forgiving. 

Even if you still want to R should you find out this was a long term A, not knowing for sure will eat you alive after you get past this hysterical bonding period. It will hamper your R more than you can imagine - never knowing for sure.

Play the percentages. At least ask her if she will take a poly and see how she reacts.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> 1) What if the OM had a genetic disorder?
> 2) What if you have a genetic disorder?
> 3) What about allergies, benign genetic conditions?


These are not good reasons to go and DNA the children. You're just putting it out there to pressure the guy into doing something he is not inclined to do, because he loves his children and he doesn't care if they're biologically his.

If your reasons were valid, then everyone should go and get DNA tests to make sure they aren't passing any bad genes on to their children.

Have you DNA tested yourself and your own children to find out if you or they have any genetic disorders or benign genetic conditions? If not, why not?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

The VAR is a very effective tool. Cheaters seem to feel secure in their car talking on the phone. Hide it really really well under her seat or under the dashboard. There are plug-in external mics so you can hide the recorder (small by itself) way under the dash and then run the mic close to her knees or somewhere else pointed where it will pick up conversation. Use a heavy duty velcro to secure it.

You can also hide a VAR in the house where she may have a phone conversation. Her home office, sewing room, etc.

Be aware that it may not be legal where you live, and whatever you capture may not be useful in court in divorce. Also if your wife is involved in anything with protected confidentiality (lawyer, doc, clergy, etc), it may be a federal violation. So you would be recording her for the sole purpose of finding out for yourself the truth about her affairs.

A keylogger on the computer will capture any communications and especially it will reveal any secret email or social media accounts (or dating sites). 

The #1 rule is never divulge your sources of information. So if you capture something on a VAR or keylogger do not reveal it in a way she could figure out how you found out. If you do find something, the best you can do is stfu and come here to get some ideas from the experienced TAM family.

FWIW I think you are not being naive as much as you are being unrealistically euphoric.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

lenzi said:


> These are not good reasons to go and DNA the children. You're just putting it out there to pressure the guy into doing something he is not inclined to do, because he loves his children and he doesn't care if they're biologically his.
> 
> If your reasons were valid, then everyone should go and get DNA tests to make sure they aren't passing any bad genes on to their children.
> 
> Have you DNA tested yourself and your own children to find out if you or they have any genetic disorders or benign genetic conditions? If not, why not?


You asked the wrong guy there. You see, I have a genetic disorder which I passed on to my eldest child. Our family all had to have genetic tests to identify where the faulty gene came from. 

_Edit: When we found out it was incredibly stressful. Had I not been the father it would have been unbelievably devastating to find both things out at once._

I even have a picture of the offending gene.

You are wrong in your reasons for why I am "pressuring" the OP. How can I "pressure" someone? You are offended by my reasoning and so contradict my post.

I have experience of this. In my direct family and with my nephew. 

I am speaking from experience. Are you?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Z, there is a pattern to infidelity, just like there are patterns to other human behaviors. The people on this particular forum are very well-versed in the infidelity patterns. This is why they are advising you the way they are.

If you don't do your best to uncover the truth about your W's cheating, you will most likely go into what is referred to as a false recovery. The assumption that you don't have the full truth is part of that knowledge of pattern that I just described. The trickle of truth, the lying, these are all sadly extremely predictable.

The VAR is a very reliable way to discover what your WW is hiding. In my opinion, this would be a good place to start investigating & you need to investigate, I believe.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So just out of the blue she has sex 7 days with the guy.

And you just happen to catch them after that one time.

She's shed some tears, thrown sex at you, and now you are ready to forgive and put it all behind you, no harm done.

Polygraphs are not perfect, but they are highly reliable and they do help break through the trickle truth.

So what led up to choosing to betray your marriage and cheat?

What led the OM and her to seek each other out

How after 10 years did they find each other

What exposure of the OM have you done? His wife his gf?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> So just out of the blue she has sex 7 days with the guy.
> 
> And you just happen to catch them after that one time.
> 
> ...


Z, these are all very good points/questions. 

There is a lot missing from this story. Having caught her immediately after her indiscretion is incredibly lucky ... too lucky. It happens but it is exceptionally rare and usually only happens if she has come to you to confess out of guilt ... which is not the case here.

On the point of the polygraph. I was extremely skeptical about the polygraph at first. However, what you will see if you read other threads is that when faced with a polygraph, the WS will confess prior to the actual polygraph. On at least one thread, the WS held out until they had reached the parking lot getting ready to walk in to take the test. Suddenly a one-time thing became a whole lot more.

I know you want to believe that the full story has been told, she deeply regrets it and it will never happen again. That is not what usually happens no matter how badly you want that.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

lenzi said:


> These are not good reasons to go and DNA the children. You're just putting it out there to pressure the guy into doing something he is not inclined to do, because he loves his children and he doesn't care if they're biologically his.
> 
> If your reasons were valid, then everyone should go and get DNA tests to make sure they aren't passing any bad genes on to their children.
> 
> Have you DNA tested yourself and your own children to find out if you or they have any genetic disorders or benign genetic conditions? If not, why not?


I don't know about the genetic advantages and you have a point there; but I think the DNA testing is still a good idea if there is "any" doubt about the period of infidelity.

First, it's an embarrassing and deserving consequence for the CS.

Second, it can prove past infidelity when other methods can't.

Thirdly, and maybe I'm unique, but if I had raised a child from birth, I'd like to believe that I would still love and care for that child if I found out I wasn't the father. It's not the child's fault. I personally, wouldn't worry about losing feelings for them, but I would want to know for the sake of the marriage.


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## z27916 (Jul 11, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> So just out of the blue she has sex 7 days with the guy.
> 
> And you just happen to catch them after that one time.
> 
> ...


OK. Nobody said I was even ready to reconcile. I haven't said that to anybody to include her. She knows divorce is definatly on the table. We are not walking and talking as if all is normal here. All the questions you have listed have been asked and asked and asked. I haven't forgiven anybody and she knows she is not forgiven. 
As far as the sex well it just happened. I don't understand it but it did. It felt like a mistake and we discussed that too. But it happened again. Then yesterday I was back to refusing to touch her. To be honest I do this because it still feels good to make her cry and I tell her this.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

z27916 said:


> OK. Nobody said I was even ready to reconcile. I haven't said that to anybody to include her. She knows divorce is definatly on the table. We are not walking and talking as if all is normal here. All the questions you have listed have been asked and asked and asked. I haven't forgiven anybody and she knows she is not forgiven.
> As far as the sex well it just happened. I don't understand it but it did. It felt like a mistake and we discussed that too. But it happened again. Then yesterday I was back to refusing to touch her. To be honest I do this because it still feels good to make her cry and I tell her this.


So what were her answers?


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

z27916 said:


> OK. Nobody said I was even ready to reconcile. I haven't said that to anybody to include her. She knows divorce is definatly on the table. We are not walking and talking as if all is normal here. All the questions you have listed have been asked and asked and asked. I haven't forgiven anybody and she knows she is not forgiven.
> As far as the sex well it just happened. I don't understand it but it did. It felt like a mistake and we discussed that too. But it happened again. Then yesterday I was back to refusing to touch her. To be honest I do this because it still feels good to make her cry and I tell her this.



This event will play out emotionally speaking for at least the next 5 years. You will go through various phases of denial, anger and acceptance, but one thing is for sure. Your relationship, if you choose the stay in it, will never be based on unconditional trust again. It's a new ball game and you need to learn the rules. There has not been one instance that I read about on this forum where the cheater tells the whole truth when they're first discovered. You need to go dark and begin a stealthy investigation so you know exactly who you're living with. You really don't know her at all right now.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Betrayal Sex does not just happen. A conscious decision is being made.

How can someone disrespect their spouse in this manner and say it just happened.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> This event will play out emotionally speaking for at least the next 5 years. You will go through various phases of denial, anger and acceptance, but one thing is for sure. Your relationship, if you choose the stay in it, will never be based on unconditional trust again. It's a new ball game and you need to learn the rules. There has not been one instance that I read about on this forum where the cheater tells the whole truth when they're first discovered. You need to go dark and begin a stealthy investigation so you know exactly who you're living with. You really don't know her at all right now.


All of the above and go away for a few days don't tell her where and stick a VAR in the car and 2 in the house. You will get answers hopefully more good than bad. Get away and decompress.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

z27916 said:


> As far as the sex well it just happened. I don't understand it but it did. It felt like a mistake and we discussed that too. But it happened again.


Sex does not "JUST HAPPEN" !!! That is probably THE biggest cheater speak line in existence ! Two people have to make a conscious decision to have sex. 

She is TT'ing you big time. Don't let her !


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You having sex with her is normal, it's you reclaiming your territory. It's called hysterical bonding. Happens a lot.

Suggestions-

0. Buy voice activated recorders and using Velcro install it under her car seat.

1. She needs to had over all passwords and accounts for you to look as much as you want

2. Find the OM wife or gf and inform them of the affair -they may have more info that you do not

3. Std checks , now for both of you.

4. Schedule the polygraph. Google polygraph and your city for providers.

5. Tell your wife when the poly is. 

6. Drive her to the polyprovider. Carry a var on you. Ask her if she has anything else she wants to disclose.

7. No matter what she says, follow through on the polygraph.

8. Post the OM on cheaterville.com

9. If you find yourself getting really angry or think she is lying to you, go dark on her. Don't warn her you are going dark, just disappear until you are ready to deal with her.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

It does sound like you're rugsweeping. 

Here is why is matters if there's more: If she says "welp, that's the truth" and you find more, she was still lying. Her still lying means nothing has gotten through to her, and shes okay with STILL lying to you. 

If she told you the truth (i won't say impossible, but out of all the stories here im not aware of one where a wayward spouse told the truth in one go. Its always trickle truthed) Anyway if she told you the truth, it demonstrates remorse. 

You'll hate her one day and love her the next. That cycle will repeat for some time. 

Have you heard about or read no more mr nice guy, or married man sex life primer?

Also, as for the kids i'd DNA them. It *might* confirm part of her story, or it might blow holes in it. 

Anything that can prove she's lying, or telling the truth should be exhausted.

If you find out the kids aren't yours and she's been sleeping with this guy for 10 years, what will you do?


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## z27916 (Jul 11, 2013)

rrrbbbttt said:


> Betrayal Sex does not just happen. A conscious decision is being made.
> 
> How can someone disrespect their spouse in this manner and say it just happened.


Sorry should have been more clear. What I mean is the sex we had after I found out just happened. I'm not talking about the sex she had with OW. That has been discussed at length as to why, how.... etc.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If this was a re-hook-up with her lover after 10 yrs---WHY

Have you asked her WHY----you are not gonna move on from this, till you get a why----your sub--conscious also is gonna need details, so there is nothing to imagine---if your imagination is allowed to run---you are gonna have trouble dealing with that problem

What have you done to take your wife out of her cushy pre cheating life style---has she been banished from the marital bedroom------is she accountable-----what is she doing to get BACK INTO THE FAMILY---for you see she has left the family---she told her kids F--YOU---said the same to you---and went off and gave herself to another man----

You now have to live with this----your carefree days---they are gone---your trust---probably never to return


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## z27916 (Jul 11, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> So what were her answers?


To:
"So what led up to choosing to betray your marriage and cheat" 
He hurt her before I knew her. A one night stand and he didn't talk to her again.
She said the first time was because I was out of country for a year. I guess it was suppose too be a combo of her wanting to get back at him, the fact that our marriage was really just in title as I was gone because I had to leave immediately after getting married. We didn't live together or have a wedding until 14 months later. I guess she would see him at parties (3x) and hook up. It all seems to surround her wanting to feel wanted. I guess she called it off months before I returned and made a decision then. She admitted that she was in a position were if the circumstances were right she may have left me then.
To the second time she was contacted by a friend of his and talked to him when they asked her to come to a party they were at (phone records check out).She decline and went to a different party that she had invited me to come along to but I declined. She says she got drunk there and at that point responded to his request to come to the party he was at. Apparently she wanted to show him what he missed again. She wound up alone with him and had sex. She admits that she put herself in a position were that was a possibility and was accepting that possibility from the time she left the first party. 
After that she says she went back and forth between guilt and still being interested in the attention he offered. She texted him one more time still flirting with the idea. That night we had been drinking at the beach. She got a text from him late that night and called back. She was arguing with him when I heard them. It was only when I heard "you can't just ()*& me and..." couldn't hear the rest and went outside to confront her. She has since told me that she believes she would have ended it if she hadn't been caught but admits that she cannot be sure because the circumstances did not allow that possibility to play out.
As to how they found each other they have mutual friends whom we see when we go to her families beach house. They live in that town whole families have known each other for years but see each other very infrequently.
This guy just got divorced so I can't expose him. Nobody would care.

All this came slowly and she certainly did try to protect herself. I brought up the poly without asking her to do it. I explained to her that her not volunteering for it makes me trust her less. At that point she said that she would do it. Who knows, maybe she thinks I'm bluffing. We'll have to get deeper into that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

z27916 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 10 years. 2 kids ages 7 and 2. I just caught her on the phone with the OM 5 days ago. I heard bits and pieces of the conversation until I couldn't deny what was going on. That's when I confronted her. Can't describe how I felt. I simply don't have the vocabulary for it.
> After a few hours of badgering her I finally worked the truth out of her.
> The conversation I heard did not suggest a long term relationship or that she wanted to keep the relationship going. But I only heard bits and pieces. I think he drunk dialed her after a one night stand... sort of...
> What se has told me is that she slept with him 10 years ago and again 7 days ago. In the interest of keeping this post shorter I wont explain why the ten years ago part is a minimal concern for me.
> ...


Yes, it hurts like hell. No you aren't naive. My best wishes for your counselling to help you both find a way forward.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

z27916 said:


> To the second time she was contacted by a friend of his and talked to him when they asked her to come to a party they were at (phone records check out).She decline and went to a different party that she had invited me to come along to but I declined. She says she got drunk there and at that point responded to his request to come to the party he was at. Apparently she wanted to show him what he missed again. She wound up alone with him and had sex. She admits that she put herself in a position were that was a possibility and was accepting that possibility from the time she left the first party.
> After that she says she went back and forth between guilt and still being interested in the attention he offered. She texted him one more time still flirting with the idea.


OK, so this is cheaterspeak for:

"I got invited to two parties & one of them had this guy that I wanted to have sex with. I went to the first one because it was polite to go, but then found a way to get to the other one because I wanted to have sex with that guy. I made sure that he knew what I wanted and maneuvered things so that we had sex. I had no intention of stopping because it felt good. You caught me while I was arguing with him and I told you that I was thinking of stopping, but I really wasn't."

And this is even if this was only the second time in 10 years. I personally would seriously question that.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Well if she thinks your bluffing on the poly, then make an appointment and take her. Why oh why would you want to prolong any more agony then you have to. Want the truth? Have her take the test. If she passes or fails, the ball is still in your court and then you can make your decision if you want her to stay or file. Your getting good advice her from a lot of smart people that have had to live the nightmare you going through. Nobody said it will be easy but sometimes doing the right thing you have to take the hard road. I mean it's your life were talking about here.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

z27916 said:


> All this came slowly and she certainly did try to protect herself. I brought up the poly without asking her to do it. I explained to her that her not volunteering for it makes me trust her less. At that point she said that she would do it. Who knows, maybe she thinks I'm bluffing. We'll have to get deeper into that.


Well certainly there is one answer to that ... don't bluff. No need to get deeper, get it scheduled.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> OK, so this is cheaterspeak for:
> 
> "I got invited to two parties & one of them had this guy that I wanted to have sex with. I went to the first one because it was polite to go, but then found a way to get to the other one because I wanted to have sex with that guy. I made sure that he knew what I wanted and maneuvered things so that we had sex. I had no intention of stopping because it felt good. You caught me while I was arguing with him and I told you that I was thinking of stopping, but I really wasn't."
> 
> And this is even if this was only the second time in 10 years. I personally would seriously question that.


I would also seriously question that.

I think there are a couple of red flags for me ...

1) They were arguing. A ONS or brief hookup with a guy, even one that she had contact with before 10 years ago, doesn't usually carry with it the emotions to get into an argument, especially considering that she is married. If this was simply a one time sex thing then I don't know why one would argue.

2) He just divorced. Even if you had caught her right after first time after 10 years, she knows he is now available and she slept with him at the first opportunity. She admits that when she did have the affair 10 years ago, if circumstances were right she would have left you ... presumably for him. Even if it is true that she chose to go to the first party so that she wouldn't see him ... a little alcohol is all it took for her to go do what she really wanted to do all along. This sounds like a serious thing between the two of them ... not a one time mistake.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Hope you both got tested for STD's. She clearly is in damage control. If the roles were reversed would she accept such a story and be as accepting and forgiving as you? She deliberately had sex with this guy and knew that you would forgive her. This is how it looks to me.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

So where do you stand with all of this---cuz this is one very big crock of crap

He gets D---croocks his fingers at her, and she accomadates him---and you---what about you----do you just allow your supposed wife to go running off to this guy

Had you not caught her---she would have had a LTA, you know it, I know it---this whole board knows it

What kind of a woman are you married to

How do you intend to reconcile this-----unless you had a terrible mge, or she was bored to tears with you---and that was never stated by you---why would she just up and go running to this guy---the moment he is free to have at her

She just went to him and spread her legs, just like that, doesn't say much for what she thinks of you, or her own flesh and blood kids does it---I don't wanna hear anything in the way of an excuse about drugs/alcohol, anything else----he crooked his fingers---and she ran to him

Do you really intend to stay with this woman---what happens, the next time he comes on to her, thru some intermediary---there will never be a guarantee, that she will not go to him, and you know it----she is untrustworthy---it may have been 10 yrs but only cuz he actually honored his vows, till he got his D---then when HE wanted YOUR woman---he just took her-------how do you intend to deal with that little FACT SITUATION


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Have you thought about why he just got divorced? Could his wife have found out about yours? Maybe, who knows. 

Definitely get the VAR. She could have a burner phone.

I do find it odd that he knew how to get in touch with her 10 years later... after one drunken ONS... to have an argument about it. That is really hard to believe.

I would definitely schedule the poly. Do not tell her in advance. Schedule it and tell her when you get to the parking lot. Give her one last chance there to confess, you may get the truth then. 

Get tested for STDs. You have no idea who else, aside from your wife, he has been banging for the past 10 years.

Good Luck
WD


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Visit dadsdivorce.com and also go talk to a real atty to find out the local legal landscape re your rights and obligations.

Fwiw, in some states infidelity is or can be a factor in the divorce settlement. If so where you are, having a confession on tape could be helpful. So if legal you should record her confession. Or have multiple witnesses to her confessing the affair.

In addition, having sex with her after you find out about infidelity can be used as evidence of forgiveness of her affair, and thus erases the infidelity in the eyes of the court. Again this is if infidelity can be used as a factor in court in your location. So if you have sex with her, you then lose a major legal advantage.

If you find out about further deceptions or betrayals, don't have sex with her if it negates your legal advantage.

You need to talk to a lawyer now so that you have valuable information if you should decide later to D.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

So, she says sex three times 10 years ago and once just recently...

Schedule a polygraph and watch her start to fill in those 10 years.

Think about it. She hasn't seen him for 10 years and she lets him make a deposit the next time she sees him...

Either she is a big liar, or a bigger ****e. I'd be hoping that she's had sex with him more times than she's telling you. Because if she's willing to screw him that easily, after not seeing him for 10 years - Then you have to wonder what/who else she's done...


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

lets be serious here---HE DOES NOT NEED A POLY---what the He*l for

this guy gets friends to put out feelers, she knows that this guy is gonna be out and available, thru the friends, he makes it known to her

She lets her h know about a 2nd party, legit or not, she went----this is a supposedly savvy woman, who was 2 kids, and according to Z, the mge was good---this savvy woman, knew what she wanted allright---and she didn't think twice about destroying those who loved her---didn't bother her one bit!!!!!!--- she goes out partying---doesn't stay home with her kids, doesn't stay home with her H---she goes partying on her own---KNOWING THIS GUY IS OUT THERE---and he just draws her in---she goes to the party he is at---she ends up alone with the guy, and she LETS the guy "take" her

She knew exactly what was going down every step of the way---how many stop signs did she actually go thru

Then she actually openly argues with her lover on the phone, out in the open enuff for her H to hear her----she didn't even bother to cover this thing up

What kind of a woman is this----her lover wanted her---he took Z's woman---that's all folks---what more do you want/need---what is a poly gonna get you---more things to be miserable over

Z is never gonna forget this---no matter what he does/she does---this ain't never leaving him---he will live with this forever---he can say/do whatever he wants---he knows forever, way down deep---she ran to this other man---the man who crooked his fingers, and took Z's wife from him---what need is there for a poly!!!!!!!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Her answers are cold, callous, and totally lacking in remorse.

Highest, forget my earlier suggestions. don't waste time on the polygraph and just file for D,

He answers are just so very cold. No real feelings of remorse, just cold all about her wanting attention and wanting to have him want her by giving him the very best sex she could give him.

When was the last time you had that kind of effort from her?

Time to upgrade to a much better woman.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Yeah, she planned to have sex with him when she went to that party looking for him, she didn't care if you found out, she instead entirely wanted him to want her.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

For 10 yrs she must have been brooding---on how this guy 10 yrs ago had her and tossed her away----now 10 yrs later---SHE HAD TO PROVE TO HIM, AND SHOW HIM, what he was missing-----and Z wants to stay and live with this woman, who for 10 yrs, had thots of proving herself to a man she once had sex with-----and evenat that time, while married to Z

Hey Z good luck to you---its your life, and this is your wife


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

She is still hung up on her ex so she isn't 100% in the marriage.

This isn't over dude, she is still going to fantasy about him. Might even sleep with him again once the dust settles. 

You need to think long and hard about staying with someone who's heart is with someone else.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

ArmyofJuan said:


> She is still hung up on her ex so she isn't 100% in the marriage.
> 
> This isn't over dude, she is still going to fantasy about him. Might even sleep with him again once the dust settles.
> 
> *You need to think long and hard about staying with someone who's heart is with someone else*.


Ouch. :iagree:


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Why be plan b?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Zombie thread
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

This guy's not coming back. To me, he seemed a little delusional and didn't like what most of us were telling him... The truth.


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## jay_gatsby (Jun 4, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Zombie thread
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There are too many of these threads on this forum. Poster gets advice / feedback that is not to their liking and they crawl back under their rock. Brings up a question... Are the replies too harsh?


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

jay_gatsby said:


> There are too many of these threads on this forum. Poster gets advice / feedback that is not to their liking and they crawl back under their rock. Brings up a question... Are the replies too harsh?


The truth can be harsh. They can find out here, or on there own...

And yes, we can get carried away with our "help" sometimes, but running away and sticking your head in the sand is brings on more pain than anything that we could type here.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

So she cheated and lied. She is still lying. So you are her backup plan. Ask her how she would feel if you cheated on her. What would she do? 

What wonderful show of love is she going to do for you, because you were always her number 1? What will she do for you that she would not do for the OM? Will she do something wonderful for you to show you how important you are to her? How about not cheating and lying to you.:scratchhead:?


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