# How many marriages truly survive differences on religon?



## mentallydrained

Brief, H and I together 19yrs this year, married 13 of them come June. 

I grew up Baptist. He Grace Brethren. Personally, I never have viewed a difference in them. He stopped going at a young age (10) due to parents divorced. I stopped around Senior year.

So in nutshell, we both have/had same beliefs in general. Was never issue.

Well, since our marriage has become rocky, he has turned to what he feels is last resort and that is religon. He has close friend who is very Christian/non stop church goer. H started going to friends church around Nov. He now has presets on radio of Christian channels, websites of Christian information, purchase of Christian marriage books, tapes, etc.

Some of his ways are so far out there I feel he's fake. It's not him. He claims this is the 'new' him. He enjoys the rightous path he is taking, it makes him feel good. He says he does not care if I do not want to join or be part of the church. That he started going for him and him only. The church is a contemporary spin off from Apostolic. I have gone several times and it's okay. I'm more of a traditionalist. Old traditional hyms, etc. Not so much the 'band/rock-n-roll' version. But some of the music is upbeat, nice and I will say, I do like the idea of being able to where jeans and not have to worry about 'Sunday best'.

Anyway....he's really getting into this to point some of our conversations, he makes me feel like I'm leading a 'sinful' path. That I need to get on the rightous wagon like him. I don't have that desire. I guess, I admit, part of it is because I feel it's something he is subconsciously 'enforcing' and it's something on his terms/ground. Through counseling he realized he has insecurity, manipulitve ways and is working on those. Through religon.

I'm sure his friend is very encouraging as well. A part of me is honestly glad he's found this to make himself feel good, if that is truly what he is/has done. Another part, I feel he is fake, not the man I've known and really feel he's not into this for the true honest reason.

He says his going to church should not affect me. He is fine if I don't want to go and if I do, yes that's great and he loves it. But if I don't he doesn't care. I said that's a lie. After 19yrs I know what bother's him and me not doing something with him, for him, bother's him. He says again, it's the new him. Another reason I know it bother's him is our daughter doesn't like it. She refuses to go to the kids class as she knows no one. She is very timid. And I refuse to force her to the kids class. She sits with us. So, if mommy doesn't go, how do you make daughter go? Every Saturday night at bedtime she tells me she doens't want to go. And, how do I encourage her when I honestly do not want to either. So, like things of past, I go to appeas the entire situation.

He is now unloading a lot of his automobilia, old licenses plates, signes, etc. Things he worked very hard for over many years and extremely proud of. States he has realized after all this book/cd listening, material things he does not need. They are 'selfish' items that he needs to get rid of for his family. :scratchhead:

I don't care he sells these items. It's how he's gone about. Didn't care to inform me and is having someone do it for him. We discussed it and he says he just didn't want to bother me with it. Which, okay what ever.

He feels I need to re-watch Firproof, and listen to these CD's he has. I know what Fireproof is about. Problem being, I NEVER felt his material items were more important than me. He admited I never made him feel they were. So I'm lost there. 

My belief is in my heart. I know my belief, what I think and feel and I don't need Church to confirm that. I do not see how we...or obviously I.....can be fine and work on my issues through this indifference of church. I say the word "crap" and he says to me "hey.....". It's the little things like that, that truly are not all that bad, yet bad enough that a Church going, bible worshiping, person who is way out there in thinking they are living the word by the word that makes me uneasy just sitting there waiting to get struck! I've become very uncomfortable. I did hear him tell his friend he needs some wiggle room while learning all this. 

I have my own personal issues with confidence, self esteem and such and now this! 

Again, does and can a married couple live and be happy with two totally different views for Church?


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## cb45

to be brief, it all begins and ends with JESUS, EW.

church, churches, and their doctrines arent of primary importance. they have their place in the order of things but
1st n foremost is our relationship with Yeshua.

or, Yahshua, as some would say it is truly in hebrew.

if u dont have a relationship with God thru his Son Yahshua, 
then u r living on shaky ground/sandy soil, and as a matter of
course........"borrowed time."

God knows where u r at. Jesus loves you. But u have a 
precious (but dangerous) gift called "free-will" that carries
with it consequences. 

I think you know what i mean w/out going further.

get busy then. carpe diem. 

JESUS LOVES JESUS LIVES JESUS SAVES THE DAY! :angel3:


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## ASV

Damn religions cause more trouble than good.
I grew up catholic,my wife is reformed.
We both think its a pile of crap so we're OK.
there's nothing worse than dealing with a bible pusher or people who claim to be selfrightious.They make me puke.
My dad did not believe,my mother was devout.It Always clashed.
It don't work.

my 2 c


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## nikon

Religion... that's pretty much another word for values and beliefs. And I believe those are the foundation of any marriage - to share those personal life values with your significant other. Sadly, I don't see this marriage working out long term.


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## greenpearl

They have to come to the same page one day, or they are going to have a lot of marriage problems. 

Both of them have to compromise.

My husband was raised as a witness, I was an atheist. Witnesses are warned not to marry outside of the religion, but my husband married me, he was strong enough to face the accusation people in his religion would have for him. I was grateful. 

I grew up in China, I have the belief that you marry him, then you follow him. I started attending their meetings and tried to become one of them. 

Took me a long time to understand what is going on in this religion. 

My husband protects me, I defend him. We are always on the same page. So this religion difference didn't cause any problems for our marriage. Sometimes I do wish I have the freedom to choose my own religion, but this is my husband's religion, and his family's religion, I don't want to create too much stress on us, so I compromise. When I can't take it, I will tell my husband, and he understands it, he will suggest us take a break. 

I did learn a lot from their teaching! Learned to be a better person. 

But Buddhism is what I like the best.

My husband doesn't mind what I read as long as it helps me.


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## major misfit

I am a believer like yourself. I abhor the fundamentalist b/c of what you've stated. The judging, the chastising, all under the guise of "christianity". Doesn't fit into the mold of what I believe it to be. 

Thankfully, my SO is on the same page I am. If he were a bible-thumping, dyed-in-the-wool fundamentalist, I couldn't be with him. If he could enjoy his religion and his beliefs without condemnation or preaching AT me, then maybe. 

I don't know if any couple (or you) can be happy with that type of division, only time will tell I guess.


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## mentallydrained

> I grew up in China, I have the belief that you marry him, then you follow him


Greenpearl, funny how I can now put your 'name' to you. My H mother is Japanese. So..as you, the belief is to follow the man. And, in counseling, it was said, he struggles with that as he seen his mom (she was brought over by his dad from war, married and got her citizenship) worship and follow his dad for many years why he treated her like crap and messed with many other women. One being her best friend and neighbor. For what ever reason, they finally divorced. 

So due to your upbringing, nationality, etc., I understand your okay with following his religon. But me, my upbringing totally different. Yet, I lost along the way the confidence that I was raised with.



> Both of them have to compromise


I know marriage in itself is compromise. Thing is, my compromise to this is going with him on Sundays. Not every single Sunday. Lately ist's been about every other. Problem is, I don't feel that is proper either. To go to Church knowing it's not where you really want to be or even feel belong. My mind roams and is elsewhere the entire time. And I believe if one is serious and wanting this, then yes they should be disciplined to go, walk it, preach it, practice it and so on. 

I believe once saved, always saved. I believe when one does accept God, H.S. or what ever one calls him in their belief comes into their hearts, is accepted as such, that never leaves you. 

I guess time will tell. Or not. Just another layer that I'm not sure I'll find strength to trudge through. Wow...never in million years thought my life would be this difficult. Not how I was raised.


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## WhereAmI

My husband is Lutheran. I don't think I know enough to call myself a Buddhist, but I believe it is the path to happiness for me. 

We've decided to raise the children Lutheran. When we started having children I was still searching for what I believed, but knew that Christian religion was not for me. However, I've dealt with a lot of people's shock over my religion and didn't want that for the children. We're raising them Lutheran while teaching them that there are other belief systems. They will be allowed to freely explore religion.

This is one thing in our relationship that is not a problem. I respect his religion and teach it to our children. He respects my beliefs. Simple. 

It sounds like he's not being respectful of your beliefs. Saying that he's doing it for him and doesn't mind what you do is one thing. Actually behaving that way is another. He should not try to guilt you into becoming "righteous." What he says and how he behaves are conflicting, and that's the real problem.


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## SimplyAmorous

major misfit said:


> I am a believer like yourself. I abhor the fundamentalist b/c of what you've stated. The judging, the chastising, all under the guise of "christianity". Doesn't fit into the mold of what I believe it to be.
> 
> Thankfully, my SO is on the same page I am. If he were a bible-thumping, dyed-in-the-wool fundamentalist, I couldn't be with him. If he could enjoy his religion and his beliefs without condemnation or preaching AT me, then maybe.


I say a hearty amen to this. :iagree: When I was a Christian, I literally was a pain in the A** at times, never a Fundamentalist as I questioned too much to allow my mind to reach such extremes, but I wanted him to read the Bible more (cause I was ) , take more of a lead in Prayer (I felt he did not care), if I found him looking at a little porn , I plastered scriptures to shame him, belittle him. I took little time to explore HIS views on God, but trying to change him into a copy of ME. 

Now that I have gotten away from this , our marraige has grown leaps & bounds. 



If 2 religious minded people can Live like THIS - their marraige has a chance ...



*Different Drums and Different Drummers*… 

_(From the Book “Please Understand Me” by David Keirsey)_ 

If I do not want what you want, please try not to tell me that my want is wrong. 

Or if I believe other than you, at least pause before you correct my view. 

Or if my emotion is less than yours, or more, given the same circumstances, try not to ask me to feel more strongly or weakly. 

Or yet if I act, or fail to act, in the manner of your design for action, let me be. I do not, for the moment at least, ask you to understand me. That will come only when you are willing to give up changing me into a copy of you. 

If you will allow me any of my own wants, or emotions, or beliefs, or actions, then you open yourself to the possibility that some day these ways of mine might not seem so wrong, and might finally appear as right--- FOR ME. To put up with me is the 1st step to understanding me. 

Not that you embrace my ways as right for you, but that you are no longer irritated or disappointed with me for my seeming waywardness. And in understanding me you might come to prize my differences from you, and, far from seeking to change me, preserve and even nurture those differences. 

I may be your spouse, your parent, your offspring, your friend, or your colleague. But whatever our relation, this I know: You are I are fundamentally different and both of us have to march to our own drummer.


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## mentallydrained

nikon said:


> Religion... that's pretty much another word for values and beliefs. And I believe those are the foundation of any marriage - to share those personal life values with your significant other. Sadly, I don't see this marriage working out long term.


Possibly not. Yes, I agree it's part of values and beliefs. Ones there over 18yrs, were never issue. The more we work on mariatal issues, the farther H goes into religon.

It has been suggested we explore another church. One we do not have other outside influences. We did. One. He didn't care for so back to the one he is comfortable with. With his close friend. 

I guess it scares me that the issues I/we were having prior to all this, have now been burried, as this, is overtaking. And for me, making a larger picture problem. My problem? Maybe, I guess. I just don't see how one can turn that quick into Christianity after 51 years, fall so deep in less than 3 months. And because he knows how I feel, he tries to candy coat some things. Like our one and only counseling session with the pastor. Afterwards he continously apologized for the counseling session turning so religous. Why? If he is truly into this for right reasons...he should not apologize as that is is teachings, his way. So again, this is why I doubt his believing is for the correct and proper reasons. But then again, I'm made to feel I'm wrong.


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## mentallydrained

SimplyAmorous said:


> I may be your spouse, your parent, your offspring, your friend, or your colleague. But whatever our relation, this I know: You are I are fundamentally different and both of us have to march to our own drummer.
> 
> [/COLOR]


Right now, our drummers are so far out of step and off harmony, it makes it more difficult for me to work on other issues as this one, for me, has over taken it all. In saying that, it makes me feel even worse. So confused and lost more then ever.


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## greenpearl

To me, the main religions are teaching people to be good people, it is teaching you to be content with what you have, cultivate the ability of self-control, help you understand your weakness and your desire, help you understand about others and the world. I really appreciate the wisdom these religions have. I have studied the Bible, read a lot of Buddhism teaching, I enjoy what I am doing. 

I don't think I need to go to a church to learn all these, I was also stumbled by people in the churches, they claim themselves to be better than others, they claim themselves to have high moral standards, in fact, they are just people, a different group of people. You go to church, doesn't mean you are a Christian. You live in a temple, doesn't mean you are a Buddhist. If you don't take the teaching into your heart and apply it in your life, you are nothing but just the same as everybody else. 

What I am concerned is some people can be deeply poisoned by some of the teaching, to the degree of being brainwashed, they can't think for themselves, to me, being too involved in a religion and take whatever the preachers say, it is superstitious. 

It is not a bad thing that your husband wants to be involved in a religion, think positively, it might help him become a better man, good thing about these main religions, they all teach people to be faithful and loving to their spouses. 

If he forces you to do something, actually it is not loving on his part, maybe he thinks it is loving of him for wanting to help you. But he has to understand you have to be willing to do it, he can't force it on you, nobody can force a religion on somebody else. My husband has never tried to force his religion on me, he just let me decide what I want to do. It was me who wanted to be involved in their religion, yes, my upbringing played a big part here. 

But when it became too much pressure for me, my husband and I stopped going to their meetings, he wants his wife to be happy. A religion is supposed to help people achieve peace, not cause stress on people's life, when it becomes stress, something is not right. 

After one year of staying at home, doing a lot of self-studying, I come to realize they are a group of nice people, if I want to choose association group, they are more trustworthy and more polite to talk to. I chose to go back to them. But I won't let their teaching affect my own thinking, I pick and choose, I don't accept the whole package.


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## cb45

smiles.........

i think it would be great if a world class panel of the worlds largest religions (say, over 100 million) could formed for the
sole purpose of presenting a) what they truly are/are not;
b) what they have/havent contributed to society, historically
speaking; and c) what they WILL/will not contribute to 
society in THE Future.

i know Christians, Muslims, Hindus, atheists would be represented (by popl.) but wonder would there be anyone else? 

moreover, it would be interesting to see/hear/read, if this panel
were not restricted too badly with the constraints of time, $$$,
&/or ideas.

i think those who say they have an "open mind" would find out
just how "open" they really are/are not. AND, those that do, or are "open," would be very telling to see which way they go, or tend to lean/agree with, after said panel has concluded their 
proceedings/filming. that would be the "tell" or interesting pt
about all this too. selah.

B'shalom...........:smthumbup:


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## RandomDude

So far with the missus and I, despite both our religions being completely alien to each other, and some problems in the past including a recent drama, we're quite fine.

At core, we have shared morals, principles, ideals, etc. However, from time to time, since the missus has an community here in Australia, while my faith doesn't, she has a tendency to get brainwashed into the "cult community". Which from time to time, I have to pull her back down to earth with (BTW Emotionalwreck, I'm assuming this is your problem at the moment yes?)

In my opinion... If one focuses however on his/her own individual spiritual path, and has another to share it with, without all the negative external influences, then I can't see why marriages would break by religion alone.


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## littlemiss

I too am having these questions, but I am not married to the man of my dreams, this is our largest hang up. I think we may have reached some sort of compromise as of late, but that is not something I can I know will always satisfy both of us. Nor do I know if we ever BE sure of that very thing. I do think it is silly to throw away a relationship that is as close to perfect as it gets - minus the difference in religion aspect. 

One thing is certain; you cannot assume that you know what your husband is truly feeling or experiencing in his spiritual life. I do not doubt that any of his actions are in fact phony or put on. What I mean is that everyone is their own person; they have their own relationship with God, Jesus, Messiah, Buddha and so forth. Individuals may have no understanding or belief, but they are aware of this. Therefore, though it be hard, attempt to give him the benefit of the doubt, as hard as it can be. 

In my own eyes and in my own heart, I find it difficult to grasp the concept that God is someone who WANTS to condemn us to Hell, yet is the same individual whom is responsible for being a part of many different religions and involved in everyone's life – known to love us. If heaven and hell are in fact a place where our souls shall rest eternally, why would God send us places as horrible as hell for details that weren’t correct –performed within an individual’s life time? It does not measure up. A lifetime of an individual is nothing compared to an eternity. So whatever was done in the lifetime can send you to hell FOREVER? Not that this does not HAPPEN, but we are talking differences in Christian Religions. These are DETAILS… yes important details, but not something that I believe others are not going to make it to heaven over or not.

Second of all, there are many people that do not know of Christian teachings, (who Jesus is or God – separate in some faiths) but does that mean that this God (who directly is translated as LOVE) is going to condemn people to hell forever? No, that is absurd, and it does not make sense! 

I have some similar issues, which is an entirely separate thread I will start one of these days (when I've had enough ). What I would like to better understand is where you and your husband lost communication? It is almost as if you were having issues prior to this and this is his newly formed outlet. Yes, it sounds as if it does indeed bother him, regardless of what he claims. But, he is almost acting out as if it doesn't bother him and is using this religion as a defense mechanism. It is the same behavior as when women or men start hanging out with friends from work, etc. without significant others (i.e. newly divorced, etc), just in a more positive atmosphere. It's like living a new life - yet he just appears "so positive" and "so holy" now, therefore he is going to look like the _good guy_. Mind you, these are only my opinions from what I have read - but he is not acting like the same person. "New born again Christian" or not, his personality should not change. There is nothing more putrid than someone who all of a sudden doesn't tell funny jokes, is newly offended to terms/language, etc. If a person is truly Christian and content with you doing "whatever" you want, then he would ALSO be happy with the old him. It is not as if he were living a life of absolute horrible choices. It would be different if he were an individual with addiction or substance abuse and he were trying to stay away from the bar scene or he was abstaining from alcohol when you went out to eat. He shouldn't change his PERSONALITY based on this "new him". 

So, what I suggest is somehow opening up his lines of communication. You can play this game too you know. You should make decisions independently (or with your daughter) to go attend a church together, without him. You can choose to tell him about it or not. If I were you I would act nonchalant about it. Get up at the same time he does, get ready (maybe even include your daughter) and go visit a place elsewhere. Then you need to see how he asks. Figure out if he is inquisitive about what you have discovered or gone and done or what you are even doing up, etc. If he continues to enjoy this lifestyle aside from you AND your daughter- then something else is up. He should want to share that part of his life with you. It's wonderful he wants to live a more Christian life, but a HUGE part of Christianity is living that way in your marriage and telling others about Christ (not forcing it). It very well may be the fact that he now has something to do outside of your marriage, but he can include you in it, yet have friends that also go there. He needs FRIENDS - not an entire church FAMILY without his family. 

I'm tired and blabbing -good luck. I look forward to hearing what you think!


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## major misfit

littlemiss said:


> Second of all, there are many people that do not know of Christian teachings, (who Jesus is or God – separate in some faiths) but does that mean that this God (who directly is translated as LOVE) is going to condemn people to hell forever? No, that is absurd, and it does not make sense!


This was my problem with mainstream beliefs. As a parent (and God is our father, right?) I can't see condemning my child. I LOVE my kids. I can't condemn them. I don't have to condone bad things they've done, but I can't turn from them. I LOVE them. I couldn't handle going to church and hearing how much God loves me, then hearing a million different reasons of why He'd send me to hell. 

I don't believe in hell as a "place" anyway. Hell to me is separation from God. He doesn't separate from us, we are the ones separating. And should we return, He welcomes us with open arms. All is forgiven, and forgotten to Him. Much like we would do with our own children. 

Many mainstreamers believe I'm going to hell b/c I am not legally married to my SO. I am at least as committed to him as those that are married. This is a lifetime commitment for me, as it is for him. We "married" the day we consummated our relationship and merged our lives. God is going to condemn me for that? I doubt it. I don't see it as sin, either. We actually had our own private "ceremony" (for lack of a better word) where we said a prayer together, committing to each other and asking God's blessing for us. Many would think "well, it wasn't done in a church and no pastor sanctified that union and there's no legal piece of paper and blahblahblah" that we're doomed. I just don't agree. 

God IS love. Love enough to send His only son to die for the rest of us pitiful waywards. Would any of us sacrifice one of our children to save someone else? Hardly. I know I wouldn't. I freely admit that. I don't know why I'm rambling now, I guess I'm getting tired or something. That particular paragraph just struck a chord in me. I remember too well hearing so much about love, then in the next breath, the opposite. I just couldn't handle it anymore.


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## littlemiss

I understand, but I will try not to stray too far from what she is asking here. We will all differ in our beliefs, and that is ok. I was also rambling, the result of little sleep- so no worries . What is important is respecting beliefs of others, and I believe we all have done that here. So I hope I have not offended anyone, I do not attempt to be little anyone in my post. I believe in her case - this actually isn't a Christian "new" lifestyle her husband is living (was the point I was trying to make). I think there is much more too this.


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## mentallydrained

No offense taken by anyone. Littlemiss...you are dead on. This is not just a 'new' Christian lifestyle. As you or someone mentioned, it is is last resort outlet for himself. And that is okay IF he is utilizing it the properway and I personally do not think that is the case. It's a disguise, mask, something he is trying to force and convince himself is working.

Example: My daughter plays upward. They had upward friend day at the church she plays. So we went as she was excited to go and be among friends. We go to the service and they had a special service like area for kids. Mixed games in with the bible teachings gave prizes etc. On way home our daughter asked each of us if we had to choose would we A) go to XYZ's (her friends name whom goes to the upward church regularly) Church, B) Go to ABC's (husbands friends name at church he now goes to OR C) no church

H responds with....you don't pick a church just because you get candy (the prizes from that day). She got upset. I piped up and said, your right you don't, BUT I'm sure she would pick to go there becuase her FRIEND goes there just like YOU go where you do because YOUR friend goes there and you are comfortable. He tried to disagree but after some talking back and forth, he finally agreed that is probably true. Him and his friend contact each other every Sun. morning to let one another know they are going so they can save seats. 

Well, anyhow, bottom line I am clueless how to handle and view this whole religous view which is for me has just become another layer of bricks on to my wall. I'm no one who believes attending Church every Sunday makes you the better person of faith. I can pray, worship, read, do all those things in my home if I choose. I can watch TV preachers, or even churches who no have webcast services on internet. Every single person in attendance on Sunday, are walking out that door the same person when walked in and will still do something 'against the proper faith' during the week. And then they start over fresh and renewed again the next Sunday only to repeat over and over. 

I don't think I'm disrespecting, but if me not liking it or wanting to partake in the manner he is resembles such, well, then I guess I am disrespecting. I just cannot deal with all the biblical talk. I did not marry a preacher (no offense to those who are honest!) but I know he did not marry a lady who he thought would grow in different ways than him. So, where do you draw the line? Do you each follow the line or do you cross it and go seperate ways? Clueless.


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## littlemiss

I'm not sure that I know either. I have yet to find anyone supporting it, but I believe you may have had issues prior to this. Our problems are the same in a sense, but also very different. We have kept from getting married due to our religious differences and figuring out which church we want our children raised in. This is how I ran across this forum - your thread. So, I also search for answers myself. My relationship is spectacular. I have never had a man treat me so amazing. There is nothing I would change about our relationship (other than this one hang up). So, I don't know that I consider this a deal breaker. How could I find a man THIS perfect for me in the same faith? I wouldn’t leave something so perfect for something that I do not know exists. I have yet to find it; there’s no telling I will! Why would I give that up? But, these are significant differences, there's no doubt. I am a big fan of compromise, I attempt to make efforts that are fair, but I do not believe I should stray from issues I have thoroughly researched and justified through research. I have tried the “Let’s attend a non-denominational church” card. I am not so lucky to have ANY effort from him. His church is “THE CHURCH”. He is unbelievably stubborn about this one issue, which is very important. 
If I find good information, I will share it with you. I encourage you to talk to your husband, without your children. My SO and I speak about it quite often, which helps. We have both come to the understanding that we are not ever going to change what we believe individually (how we interpret the bible differently and so forth). But opening up your communication about it may assist in figuring out what you want to do about this. Are you still intimate with your husband? Do you enjoy being around one another? Are things ever "fun" when you are with him? If not, you need to work on your relationship as a couple. These are red flags. You won’t compromise when you don’t enjoy each other to begin with. After you work on the couple aspect (if you get there), then learn to implement a faith base. But from what it sounds like, this is an escape for him- a new, exciting relationship he has in his life. Your relationship just may be stale. 
He has not explored other churches because he does not know anyone else at other church, which is apparent. This the wrong reason to attend church. I have a HUGE problem with this. It isn't about the social interaction at a church that is important. It is very positive and good that people keep a church family, but it should not encourage or discourage an individual from attending period. Do not get me wrong, the atmosphere of a church plays a HUGE part in how comfortable you feel. But, if you attend other places as a family, you can and will meet other people that you can mingle with/worship with. I believe it is important for women to have girlfriends and males to have guy friends. It brings us back to who we are and enables us to relate to our same sex. Married couples that lose friends often have problems because of this very thing. It is HEALTHY to have friends and relationships outside of one another. Now, I don’t believe it is ok to not share your life without one another, regardless of that friend being a church friend or co-worker. I tell my SO EVERYTHING, whether he likes it or not. It keeps one another informed, it’s respectful. 
Previously, in other relationships, I was not nearly as open as I am with my current SO. It only caused drama when we went out with friends separately. When you always know how each other feels about your friends and relationships outside of one another, you have no reason to ever become angry, jealous or uninformed. You know what is going on, all the time. Communication is HUGE! I cannot stress this enough. My SO and I do all of this. For example, I could forget my phone at home and not text him for 10 hours while shopping or something and he NEVER be angry or accusatory by any means. He may wonder what I was doing during that time and may ask me later. But he would not blow up my phone, call my mother or anyone else looking for me or leave me a thousand voicemail messages. This happens too frequently in other relationships. I was guilty for the same thing and also a victim of that bologna myself. But, it is something I refuse to go back to. So.. PLEASE… TALK!!!!! 

Back to your husband (sorry I started to stray) He's building a life outside of yours by segregating himself. You need to stabilize home, enjoy finding something that makes everyone comfortable. Then, you both may end up meeting friends within the church, as well as your kids. Just make sure you understand the values, etc. that are implemented. You don't want to join because of the atmosphere and become blinded by what they believe. It needs to be a healthy balance of both. 

You may start by asking your husband what he believes and why he likes that church. If he only gives you reasons that involve his friend also attending, the music, the facility, etc.- those are NOT Christian teachings or a reason he should be involved. Members of the church will tell him the very same thing. If he in fact understands what the church he is attending teaches and then includes that he also enjoys those things (friends, music, facility), that is understandable and valid and fair. Then, if you both are in agreement with what you believe and hold as your "faith-base", consider finding _like churches_ in which you both are satisfied. If you are married and he just recently becoming part of this, things are not rock solid there. Marriage and family came first, this came later. You guys aren’t options, your church is. But, you must solidify your relationships and communication in your family before expecting to figure out a home church or compromise at all. If you do not reach the same belief system (regarding faith), then it will be impossible to reach an agreement. I also will not be of any use to when it comes to that aspect either. I am still searching for the "solution" to agreeing to disagree. 
Initially, if I were you, I would attempt to talk to your husband without your children present. The two of you need to determine what you would like your children exposed to, taught and brought up in. Those decisions will simultaneously distinguish your values as individuals.


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## Innercharm

WhereAmI said:


> My husband is Lutheran. I don't think I know enough to call myself a Buddhist, but I believe it is the path to happiness for me.
> 
> We've decided to raise the children Lutheran. When we started having children I was still searching for what I believed, but knew that Christian religion was not for me. However, I've dealt with a lot of people's shock over my religion and didn't want that for the children. We're raising them Lutheran while teaching them that there are other belief systems. They will be allowed to freely explore religion.
> 
> This is one thing in our relationship that is not a problem. I respect his religion and teach it to our children. He respects my beliefs. Simple.
> 
> It sounds like he's not being respectful of your beliefs. Saying that he's doing it for him and doesn't mind what you do is one thing. Actually behaving that way is another. He should not try to guilt you into becoming "righteous." What he says and how he behaves are conflicting, and that's the real problem.


May I ask how does your husband cope with your Buddhism lifestyle, a Buddhist will meditate and read Buddhism books, talk to Buddha etc, I came from Christian background, too, I like Buddhism books, I need to hide, not let my parents know......


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## Rubix Cubed

Innercharm said:


> May I ask how does your husband cope with your Buddhism lifestyle, a Buddhist will meditate and read Buddhism books, talk to Buddha etc, I came from Christian background, too, I like Buddhism books, I need to hide, not let my parents know......


 This thread is 7 years old. You may want to post your question as a new thread.


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## StarFires

I hear you many times over and over doing what you complain about him doing. You keep judging him like he keeps judging you. You keep pressuring him like he keeps pressuring you. Many times you insist he's not sincere and not doing it for the right reasons and no way he could get into it so quickly, but I don't really understand why you concern yourself with any of that. He shouldn't pressure guilt you, but you shouldn't judge him either. 

And that, to me, is the opposite of a good marriage, which makes you as much a participant in sabotaging your marriage as you feel his is. Whether marriages can surivive with differences in religion doesn't matter because your question should be how YOUR marriage can survive with differences of religion. What other people can accomplish doesn't mean everyone can. What other people fail at doing doesn't mean everyone will. It all depends on commitment, and commitment means neither party is always right and neither party always gets their way.

Because the success of the marriage requires the effort of both partners, question yourself as to what you are willing to do to help your marriage survive based on what he needs. Ask your husband what he is wiling to contribute to the marriage based on what you need.

From the sounds of it, you need to quit judging him and stop trying to determine what his church and religion mean to him or whether or he is sincere about it, and he needs to quit pressuring you to attend with him and stop expecting you to comply with his beliefs. 

That's just showing you how you are just as bad as he is, but on the otherhand, I honestly believe you should go with him. I don't know how the compromise of going now and then bothers you so much. It's only an hour or two out of your life to be by your husband's side just because he wants you there. I think married couples do, and should, do things for and go places with each other just to be supportive if only because they ask for the accompaniment. You don't like his religion, so don't convert to it and don't practice it, but what harm does it do you to go every other Sunday? Judging him, complaining about going, and making it all such a big issue makes you an active participant in the destruction of your marriage. What you are headed for is actually having to tell people "My marriage ended because my husband wanted me to go to church with him." People will look at you like you're crazy because it's just not all that much to ask, and the cost to you certainly shouldn't be worth your marriage. It shouldn't cost you any more than the discomfort of having to go sometimes.

So your part of the compromise can be that you will attend with him every other Sunday. His part of the compromise can be that he will not preach at you or pressure you to conform to his religious beliefs.

If you change your attitude, this really won't be a big deal and won't have to come between you to ruin your marriage. Think of it in terms of your marriage is more important than him wanting to attend church and you not wanting to attend. Your marriage should be about willing sacrifice, willing support, and willing compromise, and it should also be about wanting each other to be happy. If this is what's making his soul happy, with it being void of any wrong doing as it, then you should love it for his sake. I'm sure you've heard the saying "If you like it, I love it." People don't say that because THEY like it. They say it because they are being supportive of what the other person likes, and they love that whatever it is makes the other person happy.

Now, get your husband off your back by showig him you WILLINGLY want to compromise, but compromise doesn't mean you are the only one giving in, but that he has to do some giving in too. That way, you can both be pleased with the outcome even though it will be hard for both of you. You still won't like that you have to go to church every other week, and he won't like having to hold his tongue throughout each day. But what you will accomplish is an acceptable medium.


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## StarFires

Rubix Cubed said:


> This thread is 7 years old. You may want to post your question as a new thread.


Great jeepers LOL, why do people dig up old threads and post questions to them? I didn't notice it was old when I responded, but I didn't go digging through the years for it either.


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## Rubix Cubed

They generally do a search, it comes up and they assume it is current. Easy to do, but doesn't get you many answers.


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## ButWeAreStrange

I was born and raised in the Dzogchen tradition of Vajrayana Buddhism while my husband was born and raised Episcopalian but turned agnostic/atheist during his school years. He has a much more militant view against organized religion, and for this reason he tends to refuse to identify me as a "religious" individual, although I was would consider myself so. It's purely the notion of a religious hierarchy that my husband adamantly despises, so to him if there is a hierarchy then it's religious, if there isn't then it's spirituality. It's honestly the one position where we don't meet eye-to-eye but it's barely an issue. 

Our fundamental views of morality are perfectly matched even if our approaches to the concept of existence differs in certain aspects. What I love more than anything is that despite our distinct spiritual differences is that my husband has never once asked me to abandon my beliefs, and if anything has seen my spirituality as just another facet to the brilliance he sees in me. Likewise, his approach to spirituality has given me an interesting look into the world of Western Abrahamic religions and how they interact. 

When we had children we both agreed that the children would be free to find their own spiritual paths but that neither of us would inherently restrict our own in the process. So he continues to express his agnostic perspective while the children also see how I interact with my own practices. We'd much rather they have exposure to many religions just as one might want exposure to many languages. Humans interact from their individual perspectives and through lenses unique to their cultural and religious background, and we'd rather they have the ability to hold a conversation with anyone instead of getting caught in an echo chamber. 

For what it's worth, recent studies in the United States have shown that the sudden upswing in Secular approaches to religion have come about at the same time that those who identity as members of any of the Abrahamic religions have began splitting between fundamentalism/evangelicalism and more moderate/secular attitudes. No one is quite sure why that is so, but it's a pattern that has been seen throughout our nation's history (i.e. the Great Enlightenment being in tandem with the Great Awakening, and the Industrial Revolution pairing with the Second Great Awakening). For me the entire thing is just fascinating, especially since no one religion has ever been immune to the shifts, rebirths, and redirected approaches of how to practice said beliefs in the face of new eras.


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## personofinterest

> The church is a contemporary spin off from Apostolic.


Yeesh. Yeah, I can see why this would be a problem. This is not just "I'm Baptist, you're Methodist." This is "I'm apostolic, and you're going to hell for wearing pants." I'm being a little tongue in cheek but not really. Legalism is.....insidious. And I say that as pretty darn conservative Christian.

The good news is, when people suddenly "find faith" as the answer to a problem, it's usually a pendulum. He's on the upswing now. He'll probably temper after a bit. My advice is, if you are a Christian, live like a Christian, but don't try to cater to all those extra rules and things that aren't even in the Bible. It will just result in more control. Don't toss out your pants and makeup lol.


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## MaiChi

I do not see how a believer could want to be married to a non- believer or vice versa. How would they function? I know a lot of couples where one believes and the other does not and it is a total mystery to me. Just today I was talking to a lady who is bothered that her husband smokes pot and almost lives a hermit life in his room in the house while she looks after the children (four) I asked her how she even had those children and she said she did not know.
I know other who seem very happy. I also know others with the same faith who are not at all happy.
Marriages are mysterious in most cases.

Religion can be used as a tool for good or for bad, but I do not think it can be blamed for the outcomes of the marriage. We all have choices at every point in our lives. My choice was not to marry outside my own faith, but I have read stats saying divorce is higher among Christians who are serious about their faith than among people with no religion at all. About 3-4% higher.


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## Lila

Zombie thread. Closing


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