# Earning wife won't contribute to household expenses



## psychoanalyst (Feb 15, 2016)

Hello All,

This is my first time here. My wife and I just celebrated our first anniversary last week. We enjoy a fairly healthy marriage with no major issues so far. 

But one thing that has been a source of huge concern, pretty much only for me, is our financial situation. I can see it affecting me a lot and I want to resolve this situation before it really poisons my mind and thoughts. 

My wife and I are both employed and are successful in our respective jobs and earn pretty much the same salary. After marriage, we never really talked about how to handle our household finances etc. I was for merging our accounts, while she wasn't, but I never really made a big deal out of it. 

The result is a situation where I am essentially covering >95% of household expenses (from rent, to insurance, to groceries, utilities, restaurants) while she covers a couple of utilities (electricity and the phone bill). And given where we currently reside (an expensive county), I pretty much taken nothing home as a result! Even our vacation spending pretty much comes out of my pocket. 

As awkward as it was for me, I brought this up for discussion with my wife and voiced my concerns of how I was basically not making any money. That conversation did not go that well and my wife ended up labeling me "cheap" for even bringing it up. She reluctantly agreed to transfer money to me monthly. It was an extremely unpleasant experience for me and I hated having that conversation. That money transfer has not really happened and I really don't want to bring that up again with my wife. I feel bad as it is. 

Its not the money that bothers me, but the fact that even though we are equal earners, my wife makes absolutely no effort to contribute to our household expenditure. Although she is perfectly aware that I am solely responsible for all our expenses, she seems perfectly fine with it. 

It is driving me against the wall and at some level, beginning to affect my relationship with my wife. 

Am I really being "cheap" here? After all, we are family now. 

I wanted to reach out to this wonderful community and get some advice on if my situation is a perfectly normal one and if I am the one who is over-reacting. 

I am not really sure what I should be doing. 

Would appreciate any advice.

Many thanks.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Well....a time machine would be nice -because this should have really been discussed in depth prior to your marriage.

State what you want. If you want her to pay half tell her so. 

The next time she calls you cheap......remind her that isn't possible since you pay for nearly everything and projection is unattractive


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

:surprise: She sounds lovely.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sounds like you don't have that great of a marriage. 

Your wife is a taker and a user.

Consider whether you want to bring kids into this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

psychoanalyst said:


> That conversation did not go that well and my wife ended up labeling me "cheap" for even bringing it up. She reluctantly agreed to transfer money to me monthly. It was an extremely unpleasant experience for me and I hated having that conversation. That money transfer has not really happened and I really don't want to bring that up again with my wife. I feel bad as it is.


What's going on here is your FEAR. Your fear of her anger, judgment, possible abandonment...which usually stem from one of two things: either you have low self esteem and you're secretly just waiting for her to figure out she can 'get better' and leave you, and so you suck up to her to keep her happy, or else you're just a Nice Guy and you don't understand that women ONLY respect strong men who don't suck up to women.

Read the book I linked, then come back and tell us what you learned.

And btw, start learning NOT to feel bad. And DO bring it up to her. "Wife, it's been a year and you've made it clear you believe MY money is our money and YOUR money is YOUR money, and I just don't believe that. I'm willing to listen to why you think that is, but to be honest, I'm not willing to be in a relationship where we both work and you get to keep all your money."

No matter what, DO NOT APOLOGIZE!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

To be honest I think that's a very hard mentality work with. Even if you can get her to contribute it's always going to like pulling teeth because she's a user.

Think about that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

She is the one that sounds cheap, what is she doing with her money?

I would have the talk again, that is the only thing you can do to solve this. I agree how to handle expenses should have been brought up before marriage, but just because they weren't does not mean you don't have a right to talk to her about it. 

One way to approach it is had her the total of the amount of bills she needs to pay, tell her that is her share to take care of and when time for grocery shopping had her the list. She is being quite stingy how old is she? 

Marriage is team work, and it takes both you can't and should not have to do it alone.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

The hard truth is that your marriage is not as healthy as you seem to think. Not sure I would say either of you are "cheap" but one of you is being used and the other is a user.

Can you suggest a bills account where you both deposit an equal amount and all bills come out of it?


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

OR, she is going to get pregnant any minute now and quit - permanently.


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

if she wants her own account then fine, have 3 accounts. 1 in your name, in hers, and a joint account. BOTH of you put equal amounts in the joint account for household expenses. 

But to be honest this "my money is not your money" attitude is not conducive to a healthy relationship. you are ONE COUPLE, not two INDIVIDUALS.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Maybe a good 'solution' might be to have a joint account, and then separate accounts where you can't tell her how to spend 'her' money, and where she can't tell you how to spend 'your' money. My fiance and I have discussed what we will do when we are married and sharing bills, etc...(we don't live together now) and that seems to be a very good happy medium. You can still have individuality as a couple.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Sit her down and let her know that in a marriage it's not yours or mine but ours and the finances are shared. If she gives you any nonsense then let her know that from now on your paying your half and she either pays her half or what's the sense in being married. She can't have it both ways and you better let her know of the rule change and stand pat or sh's going to run you broke.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Make an agreement, and require that she pay into a joint account for joint expenses. If not, do NOT renew your lease, and move without her. Let her deal with the fallout of that. If you are paying any bills that are in her name, stop now - especially auto loans and insurance on vehicles. And if you have any joint credit cards or accounts, close them and open ones in your name only and don't allow her to use the account.


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## BBF (May 21, 2015)

Do a basic budget....annualize expenses; you know what the rent will be for a year, car payments, insurance, etc., project utility costs. Then use a joint account like an escrow account. Put a set amount from each of your paychecks into it and draw from it to pay the expenses. Sometimes, it will have a large surplus, but that money is untouchable because there will be a need for it for a quarterly or semi annual payment. This is something that can be done with pencil and paper, no need to do a spread sheet. 

Your money/my money is a dangerous and destructive philosophy/pattern to allow to develop. 

Oh, I'm not an accountant...just a hackneyed old writer and if I can do it, you can too. 

Cheers!


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I concur in the previous comments.

And whatever you do, don't get her pregnant!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You work. You pay everything and have nothing left to save up for an unforeseen event.

She works. She spends all her money on her and doesn't save a dime.

Is this correct?

If so, it's unsustainable. When she gets tired of you and you're bald and fat, she will start working out, get in great shape, and trade you in. You'll be in such debt that after paying child support payments, you'll drive home to your mom's house where you live in the basement and complain to her how unfair life is.

I know, this sounds crazy.

So does what your wife is doing.

Put a stop to it. Establish boundaries in economic and interpersonal areas of your marriage or suffer the consequences. 

Please don't have kids with this person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your wife knows that the best defense is a good offense.

She is walking all over you and has no fear in dominating you.

You are very fearful of trying to ask her for anything. You need to gain some confidence and be willing to assert your needs within your marriage. If not, your wife will never be happy and you will never be happy. 

You are afraid to make her unhappy by asserting yourself, but the reality is she is not happy that you won't assert yourself.


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

She should have no problem paying half of the bills. Marriage is a partnership, not a chance for either spouse to be a leach. People like her, disgust me. Why didn't you two have this discussion before marriage?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

What's she doing with her money?

My advice -- get to the bottom of that, because the answer likely isn't pretty and comes in the form of greed or insecurity -- and if that answer doesn't come up in divorce or MC...

Open a joint bank account. BOTH your paychecks go into it. ALL the bills come out of it.

Because, you know, the law on this is quite clear. Half her money is yours and half your money is hers.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

OP, are you afraid your wife is of the belief the husband must be able to afford to provide her a certain "lifestyle" if not she is gone? That the next phase of your marriage is her comparision shopping, with you losing? 
If so you married a princesses not a women. (As an aside, why would a guy who meets her standards want her?). A third account is the way to go for the two of you. There is a somewhat reasonable explanation for her behavior. She might think you might dump her in the future. Offering a 50/50 split of costs with the funds going into a "paying account" should work. Just don't penny pinch with her. Assume a 55/45 split in the back of your mind as all good and go from there.

Use this discussion to bring up financial guidelines if the two of you decide to have children. Many women have a change of plans (especially after a second child) after childbirth and wish to be a SAHM for a period. If this does occur she will need for your money is our money approach. Now would be a good time to work with a MC to pre-plan.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I don't think the OP is returning.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

You really should have joint accounts. Like everyone else said there is no your money and my money, so combined your accounts. She is being a *****. It's so disrespectful to call your husband cheap I'm sorry that is unacceptable, especially since your paying for basically everything. Stand up and be a man, do not let her disrespect you. You should not have waited a year to address this, and you shouldn't wait a minute more. This needs to be discussed, and a solution needs to be agreed upon. 
To me having separate accounts reflects your attitude about marriage. Yours and mine? That is so awkward. You are now a family and it's you two till death. 
I would never be married to someone who wants separate accounts personally. Why even get married if you have the yours and mine mentality.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

psychoanalyst said:


> The result is a situation where I am essentially covering >95% of household expenses (from rent, to insurance, to groceries, utilities, restaurants) while she covers a couple of utilities (electricity and the phone bill). And given where we currently reside (an expensive county), I pretty much taken nothing home as a result! Even our vacation spending pretty much comes out of my pocket.
> 
> As awkward as it was for me, I brought this up for discussion with my wife and voiced my concerns of how I was basically not making any money. That conversation did not go that well and my wife ended up labeling me "cheap" for even bringing it up. She reluctantly agreed to transfer money to me monthly. It was an extremely unpleasant experience for me and I hated having that conversation. That money transfer has not really happened and I really don't want to bring that up again with my wife. I feel bad as it is.


You're not cheap, just gutless. My guess is you wife has ZERO respect for you. Expecting half when you make the SAME amount of money is FAIR. She's just shamelessly taking advantage of you because she has your balls in her purse.

Drop the nice guy BS and you need to TELL her, "I'm setting up a joint checking account this week. I am expecting $XXXX (which represent half the bills) to be deposited every two weeks into this account. You will either start paying your fair share or find another guy to LEECH off of like a pariah."

WARNING: This may have the unexpected side affect of making her panties wet because you are finally acting like a man.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

My XWW had the Princess syndrome and was just as financially selfish as your wife is right now. She would never contribute to the household finances. "My money was our money and her money was her money" was her unspoken motto. I paid all the bills with my income and she bought herself shoes and had fun with hers. At that time I was too naive to foresee how her selfishness would evolve, and to what magnitude...

You must put a stop to this crap right now. Do you even know how much she has squirreled away? She is using you for a free ride while she saves for a rainy day. The rainy day will come in the form of her taking her stash and moving on...with someone else. This level of selfishness, as it grows into a monster, will destroy your marriage in other ways. It starts with a lack of respect for you because you allowed her to walk all over you financially. In her mind, she has much less invested in your marriage so therefore, it will have much less value to her. 

The person with the least amount invested in the marriage, has the least to lose. 

You need to man up and have this conversation with her immediately. Tell her the current financial imbalance is not fair and you will not continue in that direction. Open a joint account and each of you place the same amount in there once a month to cover all the bills. Marriage should be a partnership of equals as much as possible.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

What are your respective asset/debt situations? 

If they are the same, why aren't you simply splitting all shared expenses equally? 

Rent/utilities/food. That should all be 50-50 given your equal incomes. 

This is the worst type of sexism. 

And I have news for you. If that is a deal breaker for her, this is a toxic marriage. A woman who loves you won't divorce over sharing the bills. 

She's going to fight you like a tiger on this. And it will have nothing to do with logic or reason or fairness. It will solely be a power struggle. An attempt to intimidate you. Which she already has otherwise this situation wouldn't exist at all. 

Until this gets resolved - stop going on dates and minimize your shared expenses. 

If you don't resolve this, she won't respect you. And without respect a happy marriage is impossible. 




psychoanalyst said:


> Hello All,
> 
> This is my first time here. My wife and I just celebrated our first anniversary last week. We enjoy a fairly healthy marriage with no major issues so far.
> 
> ...


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## BeautyBeast (Feb 3, 2015)

What is a ratio of two incomes?

I am asking because in my experience what described as "pretty much equal" incomes sometimes turns out to be 60/40 or even 70/30

your and your wife's contributions into household expenses should be proportional to incomes, not 50/50, providing you both work full time

another good solution is a join account for both incomes, where bills are paid from.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

On the off-chance that she doesn't understand or is not aware of the true cost of maintaining the household, draw up a spreadsheet of all the bills per month in the last year. show how much you are paying, how much she is paying.

Based on that, set an amount based on the ratio of income you each bring to the marriage. 50/, 60,/40, whatever.

Have a "family meeting" about reasonable and fair splitting of the bills. Stay reasonable, don't raise your voice. Insist that this is what we need to do going forward.

BTW, Do NOT get her pregnant! As others have noted, she will use that as an excuse to stop working.

The two of you should be maxing out whichever company retirement/401k plans you have possible and protecting your future BEFORE either of you fritter away income on questionable spending.

If she is stashing "her" money for herself, essentially using you so she can do it, remind her that in a community property state (presuming here) all marital assets are jointly owned. If she is spending it extravagantly, or taking cash out and doing god knows what with it, you need to know sooner than later.

BE PREPARED TO WALK AWAY FROM THE MARRIAGE OVER THIS.

Why? Because she might go to the wall about this.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Your avatar name is Psychoanalyst. In this instance do not try to decipher your wife's Enigma Code.

Raise your fishing line nearer to the surface. Do not fish the depths or her past, her childhood traumas.

All this talk about separating accounts, bank accounts, payments is side-stepping the main issue. 

She does not view you as a [full] partner [others mentioned this]. She does not trust you for some reason.

Actions speak louder than words. Say that ten times.

She is flawed in a major way.

Have the talk and calmly tell her that the marriage is not going to work. One partner is in....that's you. The other partner is somewhere else and not on board in this marriage.

Calmly get up and leave the room, go for a ride. Let her stew on those thoughts. Do not answer your phone.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I agree with everyone. Set a budget. Discuss what you both contribute to retirement and savings accounts and make sure they are relatively equal. Determine monthly expenses for all reoccurring bills AND for entertainment. Both of you transfer an equal amount into those accounts. Both of you have a debit card/access to the bill paying even though one of you (apparently you?) will actually pay the bills. The other amount of your checks is for you to do as you see fit. You may even want another savings account for things like vacations, large purchases like furniture, etc.

If she doesn't want to feel attacked, perhaps sit down with a financial advisor. Maybe unbiased advice would have her less ruffled. She sounds like she has a princess mentality where men are expected to foot the bill, period.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

This is not about money it is about power in the relationship. You married a women that probably views the wold in black and white terms with respect to this. 

"You either win or you lose. You either have the power, or someone has power over you."

It is more complicated that just being selfish, its a detachment from the emotional community of marriage which, if I have this right, will come back to haunt again and again in your marriage until it finally destroys it. 

The only way to deal with this is be vigilant about your own boundaries as you have started doing. You have to fight for your rights and needs in the marriage consistently. And then she has to want to change and do the work to change--you can't decide this for her. If these two things happen, your marriage has a good chance long term. 

If the above does not happen, it is just a question how long and how many ways you want to suffer the same fight over power again and again from money, to raising kids, to affairs, and ect....


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