# Husband Decided He Needs To Explore Sex With Men Too



## kimbo71118 (May 11, 2010)

Not truly complaining here, but have a situation that I would like some male input on, especially men who have found or find themselves in the same situation (or going to be). My husband and I have been married 25 years and he has been woman crazy (especially those with large boobs) and straight our entire marriage (by his own admission also). He had a stroke in 2008 which has caused some brain injury - he is not the same man I married and has physical, memory and other issues. This is his second stroke, he had a minor one in 1998 (he is young, just 48). After his first stroke in 1998 he started having ED issues, this of course caused our sex life to crash as he said he was such a failure when he tried and couldn't follow through even though I continuously reassured him it was okay (I know, male ego thing). Anyway, things didn't improve after the 2008 stroke. In January of this year I discovered that he had put profiles up on dating websites (looking for women) and a profile on a gay website (looking for men). I confronted him and of course he denied it at first, but I waited and then gently confronted him again. He was off the dating websites for females by then (and still is, trust me I know), but still had the profile on the gay website. Was I surprised, to be honest, no - we had used bisexual role play in our sex life for years, but usually it turned me on, not him. I saw an e-mail where he told one guy "I've been straight my whole life, but I can't stop thinking about this and want to explore sex with another man." It was pitiful and sounded like a cry for help to me. So we discussed it and he admitted he wanted to experience men too. Well, just so happens he had been downloading gay porn for me for years as it turns me on but I was surprised he actually wanted to act on it (like one of the other threads, there were signs that I didn't pick up on - downloading all gay/tranny porn instead of the women on women he used to download, checking out gay websites, shaving his genitals, then stomach, then chest, etc.) - hey, we're always looking for the other "woman", the the other "guy" right? Anyway, after three months of lost weight, sleepless nights and counseling with his neuro-psychologist, I've discovered this is not unusual, especially someone with a brain injury. Appears he might have always had these desires, but never acted on them until this last major stroke that has rewired or disconnected parts of his thought process. So, since I have been married to this man and loved him desperately my entire adult life, I decided to be supportive and helpful in his discovery instead of walking out and being hurtful. I don't know why this is an issue that he has to explore NOW, but I can understand compulsions that you can't control (we're all human). So, I set up a profile on the gay website that I like to watch and I get men for him. They come to the house and I watch or participate. I have set up a couple that came over while I was at work so he could have fun and then he had to give me details...some of the guys have actually become friends, and, much to my surprise, most of the guys on the gay website have girlfriends or are married--go figure! Now of course I have set up ground rules...if he plays without me, he has to let me know and give details and/or we play at the house, sometimes I participate, sometimes I don't. I'm still in counseling (not for his newfound bi issues, but it does something to a wife's self-esteem when she finds out she's not enough--especially when you can't compete with the competition--can compete with a woman, but not with a man, not build right of course). I'm in a good place right now and it is working...my biggest fear is of course that he will step out behind my back even though I'm on board. I also fear our intimacy between us will fail...it did at first, but this was more ED and other physical issues from the stroke--in fact, he has failed to perform with a couple of the guys we've had over, so I now know for a fact its not that I'm a woman--he still looks at male and female porn (more male right now, new and exciting toy), but I think that's part of the issue, due to his stroke and not being able to work, he is constantly surfing porn on the net--all kinds, you name it. So, after all the rambling, my question is to you men: Do you think we can still continue like this? I have no issues with it and am onboard and trying to be supportive...do you think he will step out behind my back even though I'm behind him all the way? I don't agree with the guy who posted that there are no bisexual people, just gay/lesbians living in a heterosexual relationship--there are definite signs my husband is not totally gay--just oral with these guys, he doesn't even touch anything but their privates, no anal sex to or with them, no kissing, no other body touching, etc. So what do you guys think, am I crazy or are we crazy?


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Until we can walk a mile in your shoes, it's not up to us to judge. Many people live lifestyles I myself do not personally live. As long as everyone involved is on board and happy with the arrangement I don't see why it would be crazy.

My only fear in your situation would be the possibility of STD's with multiple partners (unless you vet them beforehand).


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

i'd be concerned about std's and regular vet visits as well


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## kimbo71118 (May 11, 2010)

Thanks for your input, I agree - we do practice safe sex, all is protected and we do vet very well beforehand. Amanda1959, I posted a response to your original thread, I know what you were going to, but, in my case my husband came clean and admitted what he was desiring and we worked on it together. I understand from reading your posts that your situation was a little different and your (ex) husband wasn't being truthful. I can feel the pain you went through, I went through the same until I got counseling to understand and my husband came out (so to say).


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

There are many different relationships between people, as long as there is mutual repect and you are both playing within the same rules and boundaries who's to judge how you should live...I on the other hand am not interested in viewing or participating in male on male sex. I want a man all to myself and I want one that wants me all to himself, that's sexy to me...true intimacy...sex is in the mind for me and I can get that with one man...a man that wants only a woman


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## kimbo71118 (May 11, 2010)

Thanks for the responses Amanda1959 and WifeInLove. I actually agree with Amanda1959, I would love to have my husband all to myself, but, in counseling and reading emails I've discovered this is a compulsion that he cannot control and will act on if I'm on board or not. So I had a choice to make, be supportive or walk away - I am not prepared to walk away - I've spent (as you did), my entire adult life with this man and I love him and can't just walk away...my heart won't let me. So, I made a decision. Whether it be right or wrong, its the choice I made. And yes, WifeInLove, there is a slight trust issue right now due to the fact that he originally was hiding what he was doing on-line from me - that's where the trust was damaged. And then, when originally confronted still wouldn't come clean - but eventually did. So my choice became - be involved and supportive to try to control the situation and be aware of what is going on, or constantly wonder what was going on - while neither may be a good choice, I took the one that causes the least amount of grief and pain for me. While it is certainly unconventional, and do I think it will work all the time, probably not, but there was no other choice for me at this time that I could live with. Walking away has nothing to do with children (they are grown and gone), money (I make all the money), etc., it has to do with my heart and what it was telling me to do. The reason I'm still worried that he might do something behind my back is all the literature I've read on bi-men indicates that the compulsion is pretty strong and hard to resist - so even though its controlled now, I don't know what will happen in the future. All I know is the aftermath of his last stroke has completely changed my life as I knew it - I don't have the same husband, sex life, nothing...it has been extremely difficult to deal with and has stomped my self esteem pretty good...still working through it and I guess I always will be as long as I am married to this man.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

kimbo71118-
What does your own sex life consist of now?


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

kimbo71118 said:


> this is a compulsion that he cannot control and will act on if I'm on board or not. So I had a choice to make, be supportive or walk away - I am not prepared to walk away


You mean all I need to do is tell my wife that this new compulsion I have for 19 year-old Asian girls won't go away so she'll be cool with it? My preference has changed from her to somethig else so it's OK?

Didn't think so.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

cody5 said:


> You mean all I need to do is tell my wife that this new compulsion I have for 19 year-old Asian girls won't go away so she'll be cool with it? My preference has changed from her to somethig else so it's OK?
> 
> Didn't think so.


Women see the man-on-man stuff as less of a threat to the marriage compared with the hankering after other women. Most men will not want to "run off" with another man. They only want to play. And after a while the magic might wear off any way.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

MT I think you are wrong. I am leaving my husband because of the man-on-man stuff. It threatens my health and it has repulsed me enough to leave a marriage of 25 years. No they don't usually "run off" with another man they just "run from one to the other". How can this be any better? oral could lead to anal and I for one am not going to risk my health, and this does not take into account that all this is deceitful to begin with.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

amanda1959-
Fair enough, but leaving the STDs to one side, wouldn't you have felt even worse and more quickly if it had been girls?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Amanda - in your case what made it so much worse was the lying. Correct me if I'm wrong. Male or female - knowing he was lying and didn't confess until you found enough evidence and made him take a poly - thats always a lousy situation.

In this case - if you truly are OK with this, I guess its not much different than other swingers who have agreed to share their spouses or have open marriages. Seems like you have to have a strong marriage and a firm grasp on the rules for this kind of thing to work.

I'm not sure I see where he would have an incentive to hide anything given the amount of freedom he has now.

Good luck!


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

MT my husband goes with men and women but the fact that he went with men actually was the final nail in the coffin. Nothing in my case was openly admitted, it was discovered through the computer and polygraph tests which doesn't really leave much room for love anymore. The acts were one thing and like nice777guy says it is really the deceit and lies that break the bond...and now I will get dragged through the gutter with the contol of the finances....wow what did I do in this life or my past life to deserve this rough ride?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

amanda1959-

Geeeez Amanda! The issues in your marriage go way beyond sexual exploration. If feel for you, but you're not really speaking from the same premise as the OP, no?


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

No MT I am different than Kimbo, however I feel Kimbo needs to think carefully about what she is doing. I worry for you Kimbo that you have lost the ability to respect your personal boundaries to allow these activities by your husband. Are you sure you are not compomising yourself for some fear you may have ie. fear of being alone without a man? How are you dealing with the original deceit?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

amanda1959 said:


> MT I think you are wrong. I am leaving my husband because of the man-on-man stuff. It threatens my health and it has repulsed me enough to leave a marriage of 25 years. No they don't usually "run off" with another man they just "run from one to the other". How can this be any better? oral could lead to anal and I for one am not going to risk my health, and this does not take into account that all this is deceitful to begin with.


:iagree:


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## kimbo71118 (May 11, 2010)

Thanks everyone for the post(s). I've been in the hospital for pneumonia, thus the reason I haven't responded. First - remember, my situation is a tad different than Amanda1959 in that my husband had a major stroke in 2008 and has brain damage. Based on extensive talking with his neurologists, etc., he had damage to his frontal lobe (impulse control) and his hypothalamus (good touch/bad touch). So my situation is different in that my husband's brain does not work the way it did, he is not the the same spouse I married more than 25 years ago and that has made a huge difference in my reaction - the brain injury WAS NOT HIS FAULT. His neuro is not surprised by out of normal behaviors, appears different, odd behaviors (sexual and otherwise) are not unusual with a brain injury (regardless of how, stroke, accident, etc.). He DID NOT exhibit any of these behaviors prior to the 2008 stroke, so, I can't fully blame him can I? And to answer your question Amanda1959, no, I am not compromising myself and beliefs because I'm afraid of being alone - I actually enjoy participating, after 25 years need to spice things up and the boundaries have not been crossed. No, he did not tell me about it at first due to the confusion he felt (and by the way, still feels) about the new things circulating in his brain...so my situation is totally opposite - I did not have to resort to a lie detector - my husband did have a stroke which has rewired parts of his brain, and, I have chosen to support him as I know that part of new, out of character behaviors are not all his fault...and yes, I love him and have made the decision to stay and not walk. Amanda1959, I feel for your situation as your spouse wouldn't come clean, continued to lie, etc., it does ruin trust and your self-esteem - I went through some self-esteem issues also thinking why wasn't I enough, but through counseling (my own) and visits with his neuro, its not about me - its truly about him and what has happened to him physically, mentally, etc., from the stroke...so how can I, as his wife, totally turn my back on him for something he couldn't control (the stroke) - I can't, I've made my decision, am living with it just fine...just wanted to get other's opinions and make sure I wasn't totally crazy to be supportive.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

yeah something went wrong with my husbands frontal lobe too!!! good luck dear


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## kimbo71118 (May 11, 2010)

Thanks Amanda1959, glad to see you're getting some of your humor back! But let's not knock that my husband actually did have a massive stroke, couldn't walk, talk or swallow - he's come a long way...I'm just glad that his "frontal lobe" occasionally does work...lol Thanks for the good wishes, was a long journey, but I'm at peace now with my decision and things are going extremely well.


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## kimbo71118 (May 11, 2010)

MarkTwain said:


> kimbo71118-
> What does your own sex life consist of now?


MT, never did answer your question. It consists of exactly what it consisted of before my husband's "revelation" (lack of a better word). He's had ED issues since his first stroke in 1999, so we've had to experiment and adapt, which we've done quite well - discovered some new things in the process. Our intimacy together is still intact and as often as it used to be (sometimes more so since we've discovered new things that work for him). #1 for me - we ARE still married and our intimacy has to stay intact or this wouldn't work for me at all. So far, so good.


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## geekchick (Oct 23, 2010)

Kimbo I totally get you. My fiance likes going down on men sometimes but he loves me and just wants to be with me. HE doesn't go looking for men anymore though which is fine by me. We roleplay it but I do know that I wouldn't mind a threesome but I actually wonder if I could handle it. It's one thing to think about it and talk about it and get off but it's another to actually do it. Each relationship is different. What works for you? That's what matters right?


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## Buzz (Sep 30, 2010)

Different strokes for different folks. I would be concerned about his sexual encounters in your absense. If the strokes have affected his reasoning then he may practice unsafe sex.


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