# New to this...



## Littlegirl (Jun 18, 2010)

I am new to this and well...lately I have been having arguments with my husband and just trying to find someone to talk to. 

Sometimes I feel like he doesnt want to listen to what I have to say in general so yeah...


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

how long hav you been married?? what is he not listening to you about?? how are you having conversations?? sometimes husbands are idoits, and dont understand how important things are.

this is a good place for working a few things out. you will see you are not alone, and that helps too.

so feel free to ask or just put up a rant, there are good women and guys here. hope you can find what you need....


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I think one of the best things a couple can do for their relationship is to learn how to argue. There ARE tools, from what I understand. Books, etc. to teach each of you how to argue effectively. If I were having trouble communicating my feelings or issues (or whatever the case may be, as I don't have much to go on in your post) then I'd start looking for something to help me out with that.


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## Littlegirl (Jun 18, 2010)

I was very vague. I have been married for two years 
Not very long and I already feel frustrated. 

You are correct, there are effective tools but I can't seem to make things better. I tell him exactly what I expect, exactly how I feel, or exactly what I want. 

Point being, we don't have a lot of meaningful conversation, parenting differences, and sigh...

My biggest thing is everytime he gets upset, he punches a wall or throws things, or damages something. Is this normal?


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Only normal for someone with anger issues. 

He sounds young and immature at this point. 

Are you in any danger? If so - please get help ASAP!

Any vets out there with some help for Littlegirl?

The only thing that helped me with my own anger issues was time and a mentor.


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

This is pretty direct and is a good starting point:

Making relationships work: The art of arguing


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## Littlegirl (Jun 18, 2010)

No, I am not in danger. If I was, I would get out of it immediately. It's funny...your response. He is young and well unfortunately, immature to these types of issues.


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## Littlegirl (Jun 18, 2010)

Thanks for the website. I need to keep it all on check.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Littlegirl..there's nothing funny about someone who uses fear and intimidation to control someone. That's what he's doing when he smashes things and punches holes in walls. This is likely more than a problem of immaturity. 

Glad to hear that you'd leave if he ever hit you. Can I add something to that? If he ever does, have him arrested. You'll need to send a clear message that this is something you're not going to tolerate.
As for his behaviors now? I'd read up on emotional abuse, and see if you recognize yourself in there. Or him.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

If he is throwing things, punching a wall or damaging things when he gets angry - he does have an anger management problem and needs to attend a group or counselling, it won't get better without help.

Maybe it would help if you both attended counselling to work on better communication techniques.

Good luck!


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## Littlegirl (Jun 18, 2010)

I contemplated getting on this site but I am glad I did. Sure helps. Perhaps if we both attended anger management? This should convey the message that we are here to do it together. 

You guys are awesome btw~


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## Gemini85 (Dec 17, 2010)

I know the feeling......My husband listens when he decides that we can talk about our problems. I like to solve the issues we have asap. I hate knowing that there is tension between us. He doesn't like confrontation....even if it's just 'talking' about it. I think you should make your husband sit down and find out what the problem is to the core....and try and work it out...by talking about it...instead of argueing.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Unless you're the one punching holes in walls and using intimidation and fear to control someone, you don't need anger management. You could likely benefit from individual counseling for yourself, so that you can deal with the situation. This is solely HIS problem. YOU aren't the one responsible in any way, shape or form. Please believe that. It is ALL on him. Even if you aggravate him...make him mad...whatever...it is HIS reaction that's the problem. 
Again...just google emotional abuse...google the "power and control wheel" and look at the one related to heterosexual couples. It's a PDF file. You really need to know what you're dealing with. 
By all means...let him go to anger management. But you get counseling for yourself. You ARE in this marriage together, but the anger issue is soley HIS problem. Seriously.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

He is being emotionally abusive by acting like that. This is really serious stuff. You need to tell him now that you won't tolerate it. Leave, with your kid(s), next time he does it and refuse to come back until he is in anger management and has attended for at least a few weeks. 

If you do NOT make this issue a deal breaker now, he will have no incentive to change, and you cannot risk raising kids or remaining in a family where someone has this kind of issue. It is very abnormal behavior, regardless of what he might think. 


Actions speak louder than words. Do not argue or discuss his behavior--it is 100% unacceptable and there is absolutely NO excuse. If he tries to blame his behavior on you, just remind him that you cannot "make" him do anything (as you walk out the door). Again, once he's got a few weeks of anger management under his belt, you will discuss coming home, and starting counseling. But your marriage is at risk and you are at risk and you need to take serious action now, or cut your losses and leave and figure out what drew you to such an immature "man" in the first place before you try again. 

FYI: you can walk out and return once. If you do it again, he'll know you don't mean it, so be ready to leave permanently if he won't change. Scary, maybe, but not as scary as living with someone who will become more violent. His behaviors will escalate, and one day it won't be a wall he punches--it'll be you or one of the kids. You are wise to have looked for advice on line. Talk with someone at a domestic abuse hotline if you have any doubts about the seriousness of your situation. You don't seem fearful right now, but how will you feel after the first time he turns that anger on you? Too fearful of his threats to kill you if you try to leave? Don't let it get to that. Clearly you are smart enough to realize something is really wrong, or you wouldn't be asking. 

I'm really sorry you are having to deal with this at such a young age, but better now than after years of emotional and/or physical abuse. God bless and good luck. With the proper motivation and support, he may change.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

I don't think you need anger management. I think you need to have a serious discussion about his behavior.
Having your husband arrested if he hits you teaches him that he cannot do so. However, that might result in him being put in jail or not allowed to come home. Make sure that you're prepared for that to happen, when the cops get involved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HM3 (Aug 18, 2010)

Punching walls and throwing things is not normal. As one poster said, it starts off by punching walls, but sooner or later he will hurt you. You need to nip this in the bud. Please read the Lundy Bancroft book on angry and controlling men.

Is there other abuse? Does he verbally, emotionally or financially etc abuse you?


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## [email protected] (Dec 20, 2010)

hey all- well i am also new to this. got married in september, i'm 30- so is he... the trouble started before the wedding but hasnt gotten better since. the problem is very little sex and no passion. and i've tried, i have all the naughty nickers - i regurlarly initiate (well it would never happen if i didnt). its truely soul destroying to have to beg for physical affection... seriously - i dont know what to do. i have spoken to my husband about it- often, and his only explanation is that he tends to emotionally disengage when he works (programmer) so he just doesnt need sex... really?? i cant understand this- we have sex about once every 2 or 3 weeks- its never really earth shattering but i'll take what i can get. this is killing my self confidence and causing fights- please someone help- please advise- i know the first 2 years of marriage are apparently some of the hardest- but i am about 2 steps from th door at this point. could anyone older and wizer give me some insight into marriage, becase i am begining to think i've made a horrible mistake


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