# Help to stop being afraid of being alone



## proudwidaddy

Hey All,
Proud is back! Without going into too much detail about why the break up happened, I am now single after being with my ex girlfriend for the last two years, of which we lived together for 8 months. I've always had this fear of being alone, maybe it's because I seek validation and self worth in others, maybe I'm a little too codependent. I had the same fear with my marriage, especially when it ended up in a divorce.

I'm living with my parents now until I can get back on my feet (also lost my job a month ago). I'm further away from my kids now. I feel isolated. This year I will turn 38 and I've never lived on my own at all. Always with roommates, or women.

I have a paralyzing fear of being alone, especially once I get my own place.

For those that know me I trust your opinions, for those that don't I welcome them. How can I turn this negative situation into a positive? How can I stop romanticizing my ex girlfriend, and see the relationship for the whole that it was both good and bad? 

please help as I'm really struggling right now. Been broken up for three weeks, just moved out last Friday.


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## skype

Proud, I am sorry that your relationship did not work out, but she sounded like she was not right for you, with her demands about your work hours and resentment about your kids. Make a list of all of her bad qualities and actions to remind yourself that you are better off without her and you WILL find someone better.

Network with everyone you know when looking for a new job. This is a great time to think about what you really want.

Keep up your physical activity to boost your spirits. Living alone can be fun if you have the attitude that you do not have to compromise about anything! No one to tell you when and what to eat, how to load the dishwasher, when and how to do the laundry, what kind of music you play, etc.

This is also a good time to re-discover any hobbies you may have abandoned, to make new friends on meetup.com, and to take classes that may lead to a new career.

Good luck, and remember that fear is your worst enemy. Things are never as bad as you imagine them to be.


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## Ynot

I have been reading a very good book "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" By Susan Anderson. I recommend it.

I was terrified of being alone. The main reason was that I was afraid to face ME. Being alone is exactly what you NEED right now. Face your fears and learn to be YOU and be comfortable with YOU. Until you are no one can ever truly be comfortable with you nor you with anyone else.


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## BoyScout

That has been my biggest fear since the wife moved out in October. I am living a big house that used to hold a four person family. Now it's just me and the dogs. They are great company, but not good on conversation.

The best advice given to me was to keep a list of things to do around the house. When you feel a bit lonely, pull out the list and start at the top. Mine is really varied. I have magazine articles to read, yard chores, hobbies to do, letters to write to old friends. Reminders to call the kids. The other thing to do is exercise. Join a gym, take your ear buds out and talk to people. You'll look better, feel better, and you will meet people. 

It's taken me a couple of months, but I am getting better at it. Things will bet much better when Spring comes. More people will be outside and accessible.


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## proudwidaddy

Skype it's interesting when I re-read some of the earlier posts I put on here about her, the same issues that where present four months in are the same ones that drove us apart.

Had I been a healthier man and not afraid to be alone I wouldn't have allowed the relationship to go on for so long, thus preventing my heartbreak, her heartbreak and the kids heartbreak. However, it was very cathartic almost to read those posts. Almost like a way to realize that while I'm very scared of the future, I know I have some changes to make for myself. I would always put my validation, happiness and self worth on others. I didn't think I was attractive unless someone told me. My ex girlfriend used to always tell me I have no idea how good looking I am. I just have to get confidence back.

I'm going to use this time to better myself, so I can be the best dad possible. Get back into the work world so I can then get an apartment closer to my kids. I'm not going to be afraid of the single life, I'm going to rather learn how to enjoy it and be content with myself.

Then and only then if the universe wants me to date I will think about it.


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## lonelyhusband321

I don't know your story, Proud but fear of being alone is a very powerful thing. 

Just my opinion, but that fear might very well be founded in self-doubt.

When you're COMPLETELY happy with the person YOU are, that fear might very well go away.

It's tough being alone, but at the end of the day you really do need to be happy alone.

I am a believer that if you're not happy alone, you likely won't be happy with someone.

I believe that TRUE happiness comes from WITHIN....


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## TheGoodGuy

I type this while being alone in a hotel room on a work trip. I've been single for almost 2 years now. Could I have found someone to move into my large home soon after divorce? Maybe... I have enough to share.. But I really have come to terms with being single. I do have my lonely moments every couple of weeks, but as others have said there is some serenity it doing things FOR YOU and figuring out who you are.
Find your strength. Find what motivates you for you (not just to impress others.. That's been a tough one for me). Hang in there brother, you'll be OK


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## EnjoliWoman

There are already a lot of good suggestions. The part about facing yourself is a big one. Sometimes we don't love ourselves enough and are too critical and we don't like "looking the mirror" - at our souls. That lonely time can be terrifying because it may seem we fall so short of others or our expectations or our family's expectations in comparison. 

Regardless of the reason, it is something to face and almost all of us come out the other side being OK with ourselves and alone time. 

Some important things for me were:
- learning new things by tackling stuff I hadn't tackled before. It's empowering to trying things one level harder than you've accomplished previously. For me it was repairing a deck railing first and liking the results and it progressed from there.
- volunteering - nothing huge, but I've helped assemble toy bags for Salvation Army at Christmas and other holiday oriented things; I've worked on several Habitat houses and plan to do it again this year when the weather is pleasant. I've arranged or participated in all sorts of fundraisers.

Those are things that make you feel good about who you are on the inside. So when it's quiet you begin to feel comfortable looking in at who you are. You realize you are pretty OK.  Actually, you'll realize you were pretty darn good all along. Those ugly voices and dark thoughts don't stand a chance and now quiet time isn't lonely, it's peaceful; a reprieve.

Those things are free - do some volunteer work - a LOT of companies, executives, etc. do those things so you just might network yourself into a new job! Help build a playground in a needy part of town; pick up trash with an adopt a highway group; volunteer with scouts; volunteer at a humane society/shelter; help your parents with renovation or repairs at their home as a way to thank them. 

Bonus is you'll meet warm and kind-hearted people, too.


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## proudwidaddy

The thing that hurts now is learning to live without her in my life now. We talked every day for two years. We lived together for eight months. I'm trying to take off the rose colored glasses and see it for what it is. 

But I miss the little things of our relationship. The person to talk with, snuggle with, who knows your vulnerability. I miss watching her get ready in the morning. Laying next to her at night. I know that person is gone. We are not getting back together and if we did it would never be the same.

But when you have that and have to stop having itThe witwithdrawal is hard.

And of course my mind plays little tricks on me like creating scenarios where she is dating and talking to someone else already. 

Okay everyone need some tough love her


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## Mr.Fisty

Small steps. Eventually they will become big ones. Break each problems into smaller pieces. You need to learn how to be your own individual. Like learning new skills, it takes time and practice. Eventually you get used to the new norm, you adapt to the new circumstances. Working on you will help you detach from your last relationship and help chip away from that issue. Making you healthy first will help resolve those other issues.


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## Ynot

proudwidaddy said:


> The thing that hurts now is learning to live without her in my life now. We talked every day for two years. We lived together for eight months. I'm trying to take off the rose colored glasses and see it for what it is.
> 
> But I miss the little things of our relationship. The person to talk with, snuggle with, who knows your vulnerability. I miss watching her get ready in the morning. Laying next to her at night. I know that person is gone. We are not getting back together and if we did it would never be the same.
> 
> But when you have that and have to stop having itThe witwithdrawal is hard.
> 
> And of course my mind plays little tricks on me like creating scenarios where she is dating and talking to someone else already.
> 
> Okay everyone need some tough love her


The book that I mentioned discusses each of these types of reminders. Go get the book and read it. I cannot recommend enough. It explains why you feel this way. Just like love, much of what you feel after love is a result of biochemical reactions. In effect you are actually going through withdrawal, just as you would from a drug. The difference is that when you know this you can take proactive steps to recover.


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## proudwidaddy

Im going to pick it up right now. It just hurts that I miss her so much and all the little things. Im mad at myself for ignoring the signs of incompatibility from the beginning. Igh this sucks


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## GA HEART

I know the feeling. My exbf and I had pretty much the same time frame. (And he is living with his parents now too......wait a minute!  )

What helps me is just taking my butt to bed. Luckily I am a heavy sleeper and don't have any problems falling asleep. So when I start to feel sad and lonely, I just go lay down and fall asleep. The bed is HUGE without him in it, but I have piled blankets and pillows on it to make it smaller.


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## skype

Don't beat yourself up, Proud. When you have these intrusive thoughts, just let them slide past without becoming "sticky." I like to imagine them as leaves floating down a river. I don't dwell on them, and I don't allow them to affect my actions or how I feel about myself.


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## proudwidaddy

Trying its like my brain is wanting to play a highlight reel of only the good times and good memories then at night it torments me by painting pictures of her moving on already...don't know if she is...I wonder if it's this tough for her. Ugh sucks


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## unsure78

You are best to stay NC proud... Take it from me, ive been around the block a time or two in the last few years. Maintaining NC helps you to get over it faster.


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## proudwidaddy

Unsure I am staying nc been hard since we talked every day for two years. I miss now all the little things that we did for each other and I hope I get that again in the future minus the drama. I cant stop thinking of memories


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## Openminded

Learn to be comfortable with yourself before jumping into another relationship. That way you won't be quite as likely to overlook the signs of incompatibility just to have someone in your life. 

I was married for 45 years before my divorce. I had never lived alone although my former husband had always traveled a great deal so I often felt like I lived alone. But it wasn't the same thing at all, I discovered. Once I moved into my own place and could make decisions without having to consult someone else, I realized just how empowering that was. There's a sense of freedom that comes with being on your own that's hard for me to adequately describe. But it's a wonderful feeling to be completely in charge of your life. Focus on that.


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## proudwidaddy

Open-minded thank you for the advice. I am going to make the best of this next chapter in my relationship


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## proudwidaddy

I just spent two hours watching my favorite tv shows, now im lying in bed reading. I looked into the mirror and repeated its over, its over. The person I loved is not the same person anymore. I wouldn't be able to hug or kiss that person anymore. Ugh I hate this stage of the break up where the heart is trying to catch up to what the mind knows


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## Openminded

Yes, it's hard. Very. Time will help (too bad it's not possible to fast-forward through it).


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## proudwidaddy

Took a big step forward today in terms of my healing process. Before I today I had this mental block that said if I delete pictures from my phone or the computer, then somehow this means I valued the relationship less. No! It doesn't. I loved her, I tried as hard as I could to make the relationship work, it was just broken. 

Today I deleted pictures from my phone and computer, and I took my memory box and some clothes items she bought me and I packed them up in a box and put them in the basement of my parent's house.

I have to realize that three weeks ago when we broke up, whatever we do going forward is for our lives. How I act in order to heal myself and move forward, and learn to not have her in my life anymore isn't a reflection of what I felt about our relationship.

I know I will still have back slides but I think this was a big step.

I'm reading books about abandonment, how to get past my breakup, and how to stop being the "Nice Guy". 

I'm working on finding a job so I can get my own place closer to my children. I'm also going to learn to be happy being single for the first time.

I used to view being single as a disease, that it was a defect that no one wanted to be around me. Now I know it's more about learning to validate yourself, give yourself your own esteem, trust yourself, be happy by yourself. Because when I am I want settle for less than what I want in a relationship. 

My friends if I post about backslides please help pick me back up.

Thank you all


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## SamuraiJack

Backsliding is a natural part of the dance you are doing to shed the cobwebs from your mind.
Dont be mad, angry, sad or dissapointed if it happens...because its part of the whole process.

This new you that is going to emerge will most likely be tempered with wisdom you didnt have before. Make sure you honor the event that will bring you this.

Its okay to cut the strings of her away from you. I can certainly understand how that might feel a bit disloyal. Its like you are betraying a piece of yourself that thought it was good before. Now that you cut her away...was that wrong of you to love that in the first place?
You can second guess yourself until you die...so take it for what it is.
You loved certain bits because they resonated with you at that time. 
Now the resonance is gone.
The practical thing to do is to cut those pieces away.

"Practical" is the word you are looking for.
Use it when you feel a bit disloyal...

PS. Almost forgot to mention it. Being single can be very cool. Wait til you have your first James Bond weekend...you will see what I mean.


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## proudwidaddy

Samurai Jack,
Practical instead of being disloyal, I like that. Thank you for that.

I've never been one to casual date, I was always one to date seeking long term relationships all the time, instead of just looking to try out different things. Maybe I can look into that.

I feel like I'm in a holding pattern up at my moms, but that might be temporary right now. I look forward to having my own place for the first time. Decorating it how I want, if I want to leave the dishes dirty for a night I can. There will be no one to tell me the "right" way to clean, or things like that. 

Then once I get on an every other weekend schedule with my kids I can discover things I like that I don't even know yet.

I do have the knowledge that I'm capable of being in a relationship, that since my divorce three and a half years ago I've had women approach me so I know I'm at least not hideous looking lol.

I just have to enjoy life and get to a point where I don't act needy or codependent that I add people to my life because it adds to my happiness.

Jack.....why don't you private message me so you can explain the James Bond thing more lol


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## SamuraiJack

Nah! Lets share!
This board is so everyone can get some insight. 

The James Bond Weekend...

Imagine you have an entire weekend with no kids, no responsibilities, and your finances are in good shape...

What would you do?

THATS the JBW!. Do whatever you want. I usually take my credit card, my liscense and my helmet and go riding. Then wehn that little voice in your head goes "Hey...you need to be home!"

You say: Phuck off little voice. I dont HAVE to be anywhere!

You drop off the grid...
Friends cant find you... 
You go to strange places...rumors follow. 
Friendly handsome man wearing riding leathers eating alone.

The core of the JBW or Secret Agent Weekend...is going places and doing things you wouldnt normally do and being okay doing them....Just because.

It gives you a chance to be honestly you. Go flea marketing, go taste beer. whatever you want to do.

Enjoy the freedom of your new life...by yourself.
Because in this world, there is one person you can always count on.
You.

Adventure is calling. 
It can be anything.
A walk in the park...a dog show...climbing a mountain..baseball with strangers...espionage...sampling new cheeses...its whatever you run into.

Just remember, you are beholden to no one, designed to operate covertly, nobody needs to know why you are here or why you came. 
You are an enigma...

Now you are probably thinking "This is freakin nutz..."
Its not. 
Its an exercise for you to do to have fun with yourself and learn to enjoy two things that life will inevitably hand us:
1. Being alone.
2. Uncertainty.

It is literally self play for grown ups...and not only do I recommend it, but I have done it.

The Secret Agent weekend is proabaly one of the best experiences that a divorced man can have. Your first one is a dash of water on a hot day...because you begin to remember that life wasnt always bad and it will get better.

Plus...freedom makes everything taste better. 

I found a roadside taco stand in the middle of nowhere (seriously the nearest town is 5 miles away) that became a fav...and still is.

You can do whaever you want of course, but the key thing here is learning to enjoy your freedom...not fear it.


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## Wolf1974

I don't find you anymore strange than a person who scared of commitment. I think the solution to both is to just works it slowly. A piece at a time


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## SamuraiJack

Wolf1974 said:


> I don't find you anymore strange than a person who scared of commitment. I think the solution to both is to just works it slowly. A piece at a time


Being face shy is totally normal for someone who has been hurt.
When my GF mentioned the M-word...she saw the look and she let me get used to the idea gradually.

Nowdays she can mention it and I dont actually run for the hills..


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## proudwidaddy

So this morning I was thinking how at the beginning of relationships when dating it feels a little awkward to do certain normal things around a person like go to the bathroom or pass gas....things like that. I know it takes time for both people to get used to that. It just feels daunting to think about that stuff when you start dating again


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## Orange_Pekoe

proudwidaddy said:


> Hey All,
> Proud is back! Without going into too much detail about why the break up happened, I am now single after being with my ex girlfriend for the last two years, of which we lived together for 8 months. I've always had this fear of being alone, maybe it's because I seek validation and self worth in others, maybe I'm a little too codependent. I had the same fear with my marriage, especially when it ended up in a divorce.
> 
> I'm living with my parents now until I can get back on my feet (also lost my job a month ago). I'm further away from my kids now. I feel isolated. This year I will turn 38 and I've never lived on my own at all. Always with roommates, or women.
> 
> I have a paralyzing fear of being alone, especially once I get my own place.
> 
> For those that know me I trust your opinions, for those that don't I welcome them. How can I turn this negative situation into a positive? How can I stop romanticizing my ex girlfriend, and see the relationship for the whole that it was both good and bad?
> 
> please help as I'm really struggling right now. Been broken up for three weeks, just moved out last Friday.


You have to love yourself, care for yourself, and enjoy your solitude, before you allow another human being into your inner circle. They will not make you happy. YOU need to make yourself happy first. The way to do this is to face your biggest fear, which is: be alone.

When you get a job (and you will), as soon as you can, stand on your own two feet. Get an apartment. Live alone for a while - no girlfriends, no room mate. Enjoy your solitude. Learn to read, exercise, watch TV, meditate, work etc. on your own without depending on another person to be there with you. The first two weeks will be VERY difficult - after that, you will have a new found respect for yourself! It is liberating! You will feel strong.

Take this from me. I am going through it. Never lived a single day alone in my life - I lived with my parents until I got married, then I lived with my husband, then I got separated and lived with my parents again for 6 months. Now I got my own condo and live alone with my 2 year old daughter. On nights when she's with her dad I feel alone...but every day I get stronger. I also focus on the good things in my life, rather than all the things that didn't go according to plan. I'm a single mom at 30...but I accept it. And I have to learn to enjoy being alone, before I can allow another person in to my life again.

And I also want to add: living alone does not mean you are "alone". You have your family! I have a large family that is only 15 minutes away from me and I see them whenever I'm feeling low. I enjoy my solitude when I need it, and I visit them when I need company. Make sure you do that, also.

You can do it.


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## Jellybeans

proudwidaddy said:


> I have a paralyzing fear of being alone, especially once I get my own place.
> 
> For those that know me I trust your opinions, for those that don't I welcome them. How can I turn this negative situation into a positive?


Sorry to hear about your job loss. Have you started sending your resume out to places? Crossing fingers for you.

Take some time to regroup.

Make a plan and goals to get a job and move out of your parents. Take time to regroup. I think it will be good for you to get back on your feet and I've alone for awhile. Seems you haven't done that before and while it's nice to have companionship, this is prob the best thing you can do for yourself. Since you have always been with someone - take time for yourself.

I thought it was so weird to go from living with someone to just not and I struggled with feeling "lonely" a lot but eventually it became my new normal. Now I cannot imagine sharing my space with anyone. I don't want to. There is a great freedom that comes from being on your own. You can do it.

Re: your ex - we all romanticize past partners to an extent. But realize that it is over now and over with good reason. Move forward, not backward.


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## proudwidaddy

Jelly,
You mentioned that you went from living with your ex to living alone, and at first you were scared but now you couldn't imagine giving up your own space. Do you think that makes it harder for you to date at all? Or is it just that you can date but it's also nice to just have your own space?

Looking back there were tons of red flags that I just overlooked because of my fear of being alone, and my need to be validated. Like "oh someone likes me, yeah. It doesn't matter that these things seem like a problem, I'll rug sweep them"

My ex gf never had kids (not that single women out there can't understand the dynamics, she just never could accept it), and the first year and so we dated she had her own place (no roommates) and I had mine (with my best friend). She had been independent for such a long time that when we got a place together, and my kids were there for the three nights I had them this I think made her really anxious.

She constantly stated how she felt she had no space. 

I'm just worried once I make the transition and have my own space, I'm going to fundamentally change in terms of how I act in a relationship. I know I will be better because I will get over those fears, and I will rely on my self for validation and worth.

But will I still be the same person that loves with all my heart, would do the small things, stuff like that.

it's been a week today since I've moved out, and we've been no contact. It's nice because it's opened my eyes up to things in the relationship for how they really were. But I also still miss a lot of the things that we had, or rather the things we had when it was going good.

Sorry for rambling but just having a hard day today dealing with it all.


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## JustFree

Great book read that was suggested to me from TAM. Helps a lot for people like us.
MODELS by Mark Manson. I downloaded it to my phone so I can read it at Starbucks when I am climbing the walls in my apartment and have to get out. Must have read it 5 times now.


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## proudwidaddy

Why do we crave that which is unhealthy for us? Even though in my brain I know she is not compatable, and not what I need my heart is having a tough time catching up.

Or is it simply just going through the withdrawal stage right now, and I'm missing the "background object" as referenced in Susan Anderson's book From Abandonment to Healing. Basically knowing she was there to talk to when I needed, see at the end of the day.

I've been no contact for a week, and I've not seen her for a week. It's getting easier. But since we were together for two years, lived together for 8 months I find the normal daily activities reminding me of her. 

I think part of it for me was a codependent relationship, it was nice to have her there to validate me I guess. It was nice to have her there knowing she was. I think we were both like that.

Also, I try to ignore the thoughts but sometimes I still wonder what she is doing, if she's taken it to the next level with the guy she started texting right after we broke up.

ugh this sucks


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