# Dazed, Confused, and Devastated



## smashedheart (Jun 6, 2014)

Greetings everyone, 
I'll try to keep this brief, but I'm hoping someone can give me some positive or hopeful advice. 
Long story short, my wife and I have been together for about 7 years, 2 1/2 of them we've been married. A while back, she had an affair, but we reconciled, and moved on. Fast forward to now... She moved out of our home 3 months ago because she was "miserable". During the past 3 months, she's been trying to reconcile, but I've kept her at arm's length because I wanted to make sure that this would never happen again. SHE asked for me to agree to two things: That either of us not see other people, and that we go to counseling. We went to two counseling sessions, and I never did see anyone else (as far as I know, she didn't either). We recently had an argument, and we didn't speak for about 2 weeks. After the 2 weeks of not speaking, I realized that I DID in fact want to reconcile and I was committed to doing whatever it took to put the marriage back together and work things out once and for all... the same things she was saying just 2 weeks prior. So I call her, and she wanted nothing to do with me. When I asked, she told me there was now someone else, but she wouldn't tell me who it is. I'm fearful it's the same guy from her affair. Anyway, in just 2 weeks, she went from loving me and wanting to put our marriage back together, to wanting nothing to do with me, enamored with someone else, and wanting to move forward with the divorce. Basically, that leaves me devastated and desperately wanting her back. I've read all the advice about taking care of myself and exercising and having fun and all that. I get it. But is there anything I can do proactively to get her to pay attention to me and realize that I'M her HUSBAND, and I love her deeply? I haven't talked to her since this conversation, which was about a week ago. I'm trying to appear mysterious and that I'm doing just fine, but it doesn't seem to be working and I'm not sure she buys it. There has to be a way for me to somehow talk to her about reconciling, without coming across as begging and needy and all that. Please help. I know I was vague, so I can fill in the blanks if I need to. Thanks for reading, responding, and prayers are welcome.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

smashedheart said:


> Greetings everyone,
> I'll try to keep this brief, but I'm hoping someone can give me some positive or hopeful advice.
> Long story short, my wife and I have been together for about 7 years, 2 1/2 of them we've been married. A while back, she had an affair, but we reconciled, and moved on. Fast forward to now... She moved out of our home 3 months ago because she was "miserable". During the past 3 months, she's been trying to reconcile, but I've kept her at arm's length because I wanted to make sure that this would never happen again. SHE asked for me to agree to two things: That either of us not see other people, and that we go to counseling. We went to two counseling sessions, and I never did see anyone else (as far as I know, she didn't either). We recently had an argument, and we didn't speak for about 2 weeks. After the 2 weeks of not speaking, I realized that I DID in fact want to reconcile and I was committed to doing whatever it took to put the marriage back together and work things out once and for all... the same things she was saying just 2 weeks prior. So I call her, and she wanted nothing to do with me. When I asked, she told me there was now someone else, but she wouldn't tell me who it is. I'm fearful it's the same guy from her affair. Anyway, in just 2 weeks, she went from loving me and wanting to put our marriage back together, to wanting nothing to do with me, enamored with someone else, and wanting to move forward with the divorce. Basically, that leaves me devastated and desperately wanting her back. I've read all the advice about taking care of myself and exercising and having fun and all that. I get it. But is there anything I can do proactively to get her to pay attention to me and realize that I'M her HUSBAND, and I love her deeply? I haven't talked to her since this conversation, which was about a week ago. I'm trying to appear mysterious and that I'm doing just fine, but it doesn't seem to be working and I'm not sure she buys it. There has to be a way for me to somehow talk to her about reconciling, without coming across as begging and needy and all that. Please help. I know I was vague, so I can fill in the blanks if I need to. Thanks for reading, responding, and prayers are welcome.


So you guys have an argument during R and separation and she responds with having an affair, which is contrary to the terms of the separation. And you are asking what you should do to fix this? What you should do is realize your wife is a serial cheater and thank the gods she is already out of the house. Quickly move to divorce and get on with your life.

Very likely the affair was going on before the argument and you where just plan B all along. As long as you keep trying to make it work you keep re-enforcing her fallback plan. Move on dude.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Filing for divorce gets their attention quite quickly.

Prepare for a future without her,
Stretch


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

I understand exactly what you are talking about - she has all the power in the relationship right now because you are the one that cares the most. I want to HIGHLY recommend that you purchase the book _Love Must Be Tough: New Hope For Marriages in Crisis_ by Dr. James Dobson. He gives very specific advice on how to move forward in this kind of a situation. I believe it would be very helpful to you.

I want you to also know that my heart goes out to you. I went through this five years ago and it shattered me in so many ways. I have found new hope in trusting God's plan and following hard after Him. There is a place called _The National Institute of Marriage_ which specializes in intensive counseling programs. The people who go to them are either on the brink of divorce or already have divorced. The results they have had are astounding! Of the 4,000 couples they have counseled, 85% are still married two years later. That may be something to look into if your wife ever comes around.

Please know that you are in my thoughts and my prayers. Hang in there and try to find a support group. Blessings.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

I would go NC and try to take things one day at a time. 
Do you have a good support system that can help you through this process?
It is important to realize that you only have control over your thoughts and actions, not hers. Perhaps you will have a future with her, or perhaps you will not. It is important to understand that if you do not you can still have a great life without her.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Give her EXACTLY what she wants, give defiant people what they want

for in the end, it rarely ever turns out as they had planned.

File for D, have her served. Also see if this guy has g/f or M

if so, expose the affair. Do the 180 / NC

Go out with the guys, date if you wish, doesn't need to be anything

serious. Shouldn't be anyway, you still need growth.

By taking back your nads and being a man,

she will notice this...... by moving forward you will

be able to make a more concise choice on whether this

M can or is worth saving. Personally, I see a pattern with her

and as Egg said, serial cheater. Is that the type of woman you

want? Didn't think so


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