# Quantity or Quality or both!



## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

So my own reply in another thread got me thinking...

Is it "quantity" of sex that is wanted or "quality"? Or would you in essence want both?

If the sex is good, you might be OK with less...but how MUCH less is acceptable? 

And maybe the sex in marriage issue is not really anything more than the discrepancy as to what one partner sees as acceptable versus what the other does and the DIFFERENCE is the problem?

Thoughts?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Most people will reply "both" here. To me, it's always been quality over quantity. Twice a week of high quality sex would have been sufficient for me. Maybe even once. A very special weekly event to really look forward to. I'm not convinced you can have sex twice a day and retain the same quality and freshness. It will get stale in the long run. Again, there will be people who will claim the opposite... i.e. they can have high quality sex every day without fail...


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

In theory, I'd much rather have really good sex once a week than starfishing five days a week. However good sex just makes me want it more often.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

If I had to choose it would be quality. Having sex often doesn't mean anything if it isn't good sex.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

If you would have asked me this question before I was married my answer would have been neither. I would have said 'As long as I was getting some sex, its all good'. After two decades of my wife and I working on our sex life, I will now answer both.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> So my own reply in another thread got me thinking...
> 
> Is it "quantity" of sex that is wanted or "quality"? Or would you in essence want both?
> 
> ...


For me it is both. But regarding quality will echo my dear old combat Marine Dad “Bad” sex is still pretty wonderful.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I can honestly say I've never experienced anything I would call bad sex. We've never had sex where one of us just played the roll of sex toy, lol. That is what I would call bad sex. There have been some awkward moments, that usually resulted in us having a good laugh, but even those were fun. There have been many times where we were both like, "WOW that was amazing". However, I wouldn't throw out all the okay to good sex to only have that WOW sex at a much lower frequency. I guess I am blessed in that I enjoy every sexual encounter with my wife.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

I'd rather have my wife once a decade than some Khloe Kardashian level woman 5 times a day. Luckily for me I get to have my wife a lot more than that.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Once a day is enough except on special occasions.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Too open ended. What is your frame of reference?

Not all sexual encounters are remotely equal. Even with dynamite partners. 

Guys in sexually satisfying relationships are going to have very different points of view than a guy in a long term marriage where his wife wants nothing to do with him.

Highest 'quality' sex I've ever had was with neither of my spouses. That certainly doesn't mean there wasn't great sex with them too.

I know guys that have no problems at all with 'duty' sex multiple times per week. Is that quality or quantity, if their only point of contentment is having that need met?

Speaking from my own point of reference, sex is the canary in the coal mine of marriage. Once I had kids, I absolutely expected a drop off in frequency. It wasn't until it became obvious that ALL aspects in fostering a respectful, loving relationship were off the table that it became a huge issue, and I walked.

From where I stand, if you have been married 10+ years, and you are still being intimate with your partner 2 or more times a week on average? You probably have a healthy marriage.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> So my own reply in another thread got me thinking...
> 
> Is it "quantity" of sex that is wanted or "quality"? Or would you in essence want both?
> 
> ...


If I had to choose, I think I would prefer quality over quantity.

Kind of like when I'm clothes shopping -- I'd rather buy one good quality pricier piece of clothing than 10 cheaper quality pieces that would cost the same added up.

Editing to add: I missed the "both" part when I posted above. If it's frequent (quantity part) good sex (quality part), I'll think I'll go with that!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I want both, and I don't have to choose. I don't expect high quality every time - that's not normally possible if I have frequent sex - but I do expect and get good sex every time. At least once a week we also have high quality sex, with more time, more variations, more imagination and spontaneity.

It's like food, which I need every day. Most of the time I want something decent but don't want to spend the time cooking something elaborate, but occasionally I want something really special. 

So, we both want and have good, satisfying, bonding sex most days, and something special about once a week.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

For us it's a mix of both. We sometimes have long sessions involving her motorbunny, handcuffs, etc. And other times it's just a quick release.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Yes. I'll just leave that there. Great thread.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> So my own reply in another thread got me thinking...
> 
> Is it "quantity" of sex that is wanted or "quality"? Or would you in essence want both?
> 
> ...


Yes, I have thoughts. This is a topic I have thought about and struggled with for many years. I believe that you are framing it all wrong.

I believe that it is not a question of sexual frequency versus quality. I believe it is much more multi-dimensional and much more nuanced and complicated.

There are sensual experiences and sexual experiences and I think both are required for a healthy and happy marriage and sex life.

In the sensual experiences, I believe that there is "skin hunger" or the need to be physically touched. You can read Sue Johnson's book Hold Me Tight to understand how human beings (and mammals in general) need touch to emotionally florish. For some, the cultural practice of laying on of hands is a method of healing people who are sick or in need of emotional support. Our society has lots of taboos about non-married people touching each other's naked skin. However, there are some areas, such a therapeutic massage, where skin hunger can be satisfied without it being sexual in nature. (As an aside, deep tissue massage can release Oxytocin the cuddling love hormone.)

Also, if you have ever experienced Sensate Focus exercises, you can learn the joy of giving and receiving loving, non-sexual touch. it is only in the latter stages of Sensate Focus exercises that foreplay and sex are introduced. Often early love or adolecent puppy love involves sensual make out sessions before sexual interaction. In Chapman's book the 5 Love Languages, he talks about "Touch" as being a major love language. But in his definition of love languages that make people feel loved and cherished, none of the 5 Love Languages includes Sex.

Furthermore, when it comes to sensual experiences, if you look at BDSM relationships and what "after care" is really about, it is a form of grounding/recovery and can become a sensual connection or bonding experience. 

In short, sensual experiences can be necessary for health, happiness, and a feeling of being cherished, emotionally connected and loved. Those sensual experiences may be enough to keep many marriages alive and healthy. (There is a book called Still Sexy After All These Years, which is based on interviews with older women who are divorced, widowed, have husbands with medical conditions, etc. and how they incorporate sensuality and sexuality into their lives after the age of 60.)

Now lets move on to the dimensions of sex. This gets into several issues beyond just frequency and quality. I think that the two are related and tied up with the defintion of "good sex." I would point out that "good sex" involves an element of Oxytocin related chemical bonding. This may even be a form of chemical & psychological addiction for some. There are other feel good chemical released with "good sex" and some are even released from painful or frightening moments of interaction (again BDSM). As with any addictive behavior there may be a minimum dosage or time between doses before withdrawal occurs. That would help explain a minimum frequency for some when it comes to sexual frequency. This may be an area where frequency and quality interact.

I also believe that good sex involves a degree of playfulness and that it can be destroyed if each sex act is too meaningful because it is so rare. In such situations performance anxiety can raise its ugly head and make sex less enjoyable. This in turn brings up the question of what is good sex. If you are certain that you will be having lots of sex, there is less pressure on each sexual act and more of a playful relaxed approach. If I don't orgasm tonight, but know I will soon, I am probably more willing to focus solely on your pleasure some nights.

Can good sex ever be formula defined, such as, every time party A does X to party B, then Party B does Y to party A then party A orgasms and Party B may or may not orgasm? I don't think so. I think good sex needs to be more fluid and playful and less "we do this every time." Good sex for party A may be much different than good sex for party B. To achieve "good sex" they may need to take turns achieving good sex on different nights/mornings. Good sex may require somehow adding a degree of novelty.

In short, I think that the focus on sexual happiness in marriage being a question of frequency versus quality, is framing it wrong. I think sensuality is also involved. I think discussing frequency and quality of interactions is important in finding happiness, but I also feels that discussion in marriage needs to be much broader than how many times a week does one need to have sex to be happy versus how to define the quality of sex. I further feel that as each person emotionally grows or is stressed, that the balance can change over time.

P.S. I also feel (in the spirit of playfulness) that we can overthink sex too much. Sometimes we just need to either go all animal and F our partner or have them F our brains out. At those times thinking is counter productive.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Quality... why is there not a poll?


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

RandomDude said:


> Quality... why is there not a poll?


I was hoping for the explanations that a poll may not allow. For example you said "quality" but does that mean you would be OK with just one good sex session per month and no other sex than that one good time every 30 days?

And not meaning YOU personally but as a general example.

I was believing most people would say "both"


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Quality for sure.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Do we prefer having 2-3 meals a day that supply us with sustenance for life, or a 5 star dinner twice a month? Of course what most would like is both. A regular, daily, satisfying ( though maybe mundane ) dependable diet of healthy tasty food. Not so infrequent we become starved between meals, not something we have to beg for. And once in awhile dinner at a great restaurant prepared by a good chef.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I was hoping for the explanations that a poll may not allow. For example you said "quality" but does that mean you would be OK with just one good sex session per month and no other sex than that one good time every 30 days?
> 
> And not meaning YOU personally but as a general example.
> 
> I was believing most people would say "both"


😐 Explanation is a tad complex... 

I guess I never saw frequency as a set requirement. Some people may think it's because I had it on tap but I just have a different mentality with seduction, it's a game of power and dominance for me, I prefer to flirt/play/tease with someone playing hard to get until they 'break' and completely at my mercy for a release. The more the sexual tension the wilder I also get. If I'm unable to 'break' a partner, I would consider it sexual incompatibility and move on, so far never found anyone I couldn't 'break'.

Rob me of that sexual tension and game, as two of my long term partners did, demanding sex as a requirement and both quality/quantity diminishes and all they get is duty sex. My sex drive is not a constant need, it rises and falls based on what's going on.


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## Melinda82 (10 mo ago)

Both is obviously ideal. But as long as a minimum quantity of sex to keep me from being miserable is met, I would prefer quality. I know when it's been a while since my husband and I have had sex, when we finally do, it's often really amazing for us both. I recently have begun to wonder if he deliberately waits until the tension is built up high, so the sex is more passionate. I hope that's not what he does, because even good sex is worthwhile.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Has to be both.

If I have quality sex it makes me want more quality sex. If at that point you’re hanging for a while that is not optimal.

In my opinion if you’re saying, “I’d rather have 1-2X a week of really good than more of not that great.” then moderate (lower) frequency is what you’re happy with anyway.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

I think quantity maintains the pair bond. I suppose the minimum frequency depends on the couple, for us the minimum is 2-3 times in a week. Less than that, as when we had Covid, makes both of us "antsy" for want of a better word. When I was working, business trips were a *real* pain for both of us. 

Reading threads where couples go for weeks or months without joining together, I honestly don't understand how they could still be bonded to one another. In fact, IMO they aren't, and that is one reason they go for weeks or months. A vicious cycle that once started can't end until one or the other has had enough of celibacy.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Rus47 said:


> I honestly don't understand how they could still be bonded to one another.


Maybe they still cuddle?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

I can "cuddle" with a cat or a dog. Whole lot less drama too


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> Do we prefer having 2-3 meals a day that supply us with sustenance for life, or a 5 star dinner twice a month? Of course what most would like is both. A regular, daily, satisfying ( though maybe mundane ) dependable diet of healthy tasty food. Not so infrequent we become starved between meals, not something we have to beg for. And once in awhile dinner at a great restaurant prepared by a good chef.


I'm not sure healthy tasty food equals to mundane daily sex... maybe boring beige food...


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> I'm not sure healthy tasty food equals to mundane daily sex... maybe boring beige food...


Ok MREs then


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> Ok MREs then


I had to google MRE...


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## Seems Like Yesterday (9 mo ago)

If no issue or problem, what is the point, seems for most the answer is both for this case. If a problem the answer is the difference each perceives or experiences and or no quality or quantity anyway!


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Like who wouldn't say both?

The better question would have been if you had to choose between quantity vs quality?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

sideways said:


> Like who wouldn't say both?
> 
> The better question would have been if you had to choose between quantity vs quality?


No, don't! 😮

Things like quality at what frequency and other feature sets would have to be defined, etc, the horror. 
Both, yes, and at will. Simple. 👍👍👍


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> I had to google MRE...


Some times not too bad if you don't look at it first....


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Divinely Favored said:


> Some times not too bad if you don't look at it first....


I actually take some MREs with me on long flights.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I actually take some MREs with me on long flights.


Routinely passed out by National Guard to disaster victims


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## ABiolarWife (8 mo ago)

Definitely both! My husband is just an excellent. And the best lover I have ever had. We also manage to have all this awesome sex at least once a day. Twice a lot of times if we wake up feeling frisky!


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