# Too picky?



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

In the world of dating nowadays, how does a person know when they're being too picky? I've blown through A LOT of coffee dates, and turned down lots of men, some who I genuinely really liked and got on with really well. And I'm just wondering where that line is. Thoughts?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its entirely up to you. I think the standard should always be what makes you happy. If you meet a guy for coffee and you think you would enjoy a longer date with him, then do so. If not, then don't. Same for every stage of a relationship - no need to overthink it .

If you find you are rejecting the great majority of people AND if that bothers you, then a couple of things to look at:

Are your standards reasonable and are you rejecting men that you might be happy with. If your standards are that in addition to someone you like, you want your date to be an olympic athlete, trained chef and CEO of a multi-national corporation, then you probably need to drop some of those standards.

The other is to look at how you are finding these dates. Maybe your standards are completely reasonable but you are looking in the wrong places.

What are you looking for? What are your standards?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I last dated in '73. I was extremely picky. Look where that got me!

My wife lied her ass off to make me pick her.

The women who told me things I didn't want to hear got tossed aside.

But I am extremely happy now, and Mary says it had to happen that way. We are soulmates, and destined to be together. Go figure.

When we are young we have years and years to choose. I suspect that is why it looks so much rosier. You don't think you have that luxury now.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Ursula said:


> In the world of dating nowadays, how does a person know when they're being too picky? I've blown through A LOT of coffee dates, and turned down lots of men, some who I genuinely really liked and got on with really well. And I'm just wondering where that line is. Thoughts?


Why would you turn down a man who you genuinely really liked and got along with really well?

So yes to me you sound like your either just not ready for a relationship or your really picky.

Maybe a touch of both!



Women want all kinds of standards met.

He needs to be this tall
He needs a career not just a job
He needs to know what he wants in life
He needs his own home
He needs money in the bank or secure in his finances
He needs a 9 inch penis
He needs to be understanding to my needs
He needs to bls bla bla bla.

And thats ok.


But your kidding yourself if you think your going to find the perfect guy.


Good luck.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Who cares? It is your life and only you know what you will be happy with. If you meet a guy for a coffee date or for a drink and nothing clicks. Nothing clicks. Even if it only clicks a little and you say, "Next!", there was a reason, at least to you. And that is all that matters. Because only you have to live with the choice you make.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

I'm curious: Why did you blow off the ones you enjoyed having coffee with? What was wrong? Why not a second meeting?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Mary suggests it could be presence. For her it was all about presence.

I act like I own the world. When I walk into a room, I act like I own the building. She was wowed by that.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Maybe your not ready to date and just need to do your own thing for awhile. I think that's totally OK just like some women don't ever get married.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Ursula, what exactly are you looking? my concern is that you have an image in your mind (which is fine if that is what you want) but understand that most men will not fit that image but come close too.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

chillymorn69 said:


> He needs a 9 inch penis


Good lord, I hope not!!!!:surprise:


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

VibrantWings said:


> I'm curious: Why did you blow off the ones you enjoyed having coffee with? What was wrong? Why not a second meeting?


I'm a firm believer in giving people second chances, so unless there was something glaringly wrong, zero attraction, or we sat in uncomfortable silence, every man I've gone for coffee with has gotten a second date. Why? Because a lot of times, the first meeting, both people are nervous, and aren't really themselves. Or, they are, but a really fidgety version of themselves. The second time around is usually much more calm. Plus, I would want to be given a second chance.

I ended up ending things for a variety of reasons: one man's wife still lived with him in the basement, and they weren't even talking divorce yet, just kind of separated. Some were very much into themselves and not so much into learning about who I am, I have a second date tomorrow with a very short man 4-5 years my junior who has 2 small kids, but got a vasectomy, so he can't have anymore. I say short because he's my height, and I'm not quite 5'3" (online he said he's 5'6"). He also lives with his Mom, Grandma and brother. Another is 38 and lives with his parents, but that might just be a cultural thing; I'm not sure. 

What do I want: my STBXH lived with his Mom before he moved in with me, and it was a gong show trying to teach him how to do things around a house. I vowed to NEVER get involved with someone who still lives with parental units. I would like someone independent, smart, a homeowner would be nice, someone nice and inherently kind, someone who either has kids and would like another, or who doesn't have kids, but wants them, and someone who loves animals (dogs) is a must for me because my dogs and I come as a package deal. The nice to haves: someone taller because I feel safe with someone larger than me, I don't need/want a 9" penis because... ouch! But larger than a gherkin pickle would be fantastic! Someone with similar interests would also be nice.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

WilliamM said:


> Mary suggests it could be presence. For her it was all about presence.
> 
> I act like I own the world. When I walk into a room, I act like I own the building. She was wowed by that.


I'm not sure I understand this; I certainly don't want someone cocky. Confidence is good; cocky is not.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ursula said:


> In the world of dating nowadays, how does a person know when they're being too picky? I've blown through A LOT of coffee dates, and turned down lots of men, some who I genuinely really liked and got on with really well. And I'm just wondering where that line is. Thoughts?


SO why did you turn them down if you really liked them and got on well with them?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

chillymorn69 said:


> Why would you turn down a man who you genuinely really liked and got along with really well?
> 
> So yes to me you sound like your either just not ready for a relationship or your really picky.
> 
> ...


Hmm I dont think too many women are that picky as to want the things you mentioned. I didn't expect or want ANY of the things you mentioned.

In some ways I was very specific, in that he had to share my faith and have good character such as strong moral values, integrity, honesty and patience, but the more shallow things such as you describe I wasn't bothered about AT ALL. 

I care little for possessions or being rich, and I had my own home anyway so that wasn't an issue.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Ursula said:


> I ended up ending things for a variety of reasons: one man's wife still lived with him in the basement, and they weren't even talking divorce yet, just kind of separated. Some were very much into themselves and not so much into learning about who I am, *I have a second date tomorrow with a very short man 4-5 years my junior who has 2 small kids, but got a vasectomy, so he can't have anymore. I say short because he's my height, and I'm not quite 5'3" (online he said he's 5'6"). He also lives with his Mom, Grandma and brother. Another is 38 and lives with his parents*, but that might just be a cultural thing; I'm not sure.


Oh honey no no no!!! Gawd - who are you turning down???


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

WilliamM said:


> Mary suggests it could be presence. For her it was all about presence.
> 
> I act like I own the world. When I walk into a room, I act like I own the building. She was wowed by that.


You see for me that would put me off because it seems too much like arrogance and I really dont like arrogance in a man.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ursula said:


> I'm a firm believer in giving people second chances, so unless there was something glaringly wrong, zero attraction, or we sat in uncomfortable silence, every man I've gone for coffee with has gotten a second date. Why? Because a lot of times, the first meeting, both people are nervous, and aren't really themselves. Or, they are, but a really fidgety version of themselves. The second time around is usually much more calm. Plus, I would want to be given a second chance.
> 
> I ended up ending things for a variety of reasons: one man's wife still lived with him in the basement, and they weren't even talking divorce yet, just kind of separated. Some were very much into themselves and not so much into learning about who I am, I have a second date tomorrow with a very short man 4-5 years my junior who has 2 small kids, but got a vasectomy, so he can't have anymore. I say short because he's my height, and I'm not quite 5'3" (online he said he's 5'6"). He also lives with his Mom, Grandma and brother. Another is 38 and lives with his parents, but that might just be a cultural thing; I'm not sure.
> 
> What do I want: my STBXH lived with his Mom before he moved in with me, and it was a gong show trying to teach him how to do things around a house. I vowed to NEVER get involved with someone who still lives with parental units. I would like someone independent, smart, a homeowner would be nice, someone nice and inherently kind, someone who either has kids and would like another, or who doesn't have kids, but wants them, and someone who loves animals (dogs) is a must for me because my dogs and I come as a package deal. The nice to haves: someone taller because I feel safe with someone larger than me, I don't need/want a 9" penis because... ouch! But larger than a gherkin pickle would be fantastic! Someone with similar interests would also be nice.


I can see why you are wary of the men you describe. Maybe you need to find out a bit more about them before you meet so you don't waste your time? I mean if you want children why bother seeing a man who cant have them? I agree with the living with the parents thing. I would have no interest in anyone past their late 20's still living with mum and dad.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Ursula said:


> I'm a firm believer in giving people second chances, so unless there was something glaringly wrong, zero attraction, or we sat in uncomfortable silence, every man I've gone for coffee with has gotten a second date. Why? Because a lot of times, the first meeting, both people are nervous, and aren't really themselves. Or, they are, but a really fidgety version of themselves. The second time around is usually much more calm. Plus, I would want to be given a second chance.
> 
> I ended up ending things for a variety of reasons: one man's wife still lived with him in the basement, and they weren't even talking divorce yet, just kind of separated. Some were very much into themselves and not so much into learning about who I am, I have a second date tomorrow with a very short man 4-5 years my junior who has 2 small kids, but got a vasectomy, so he can't have anymore. I say short because he's my height, and I'm not quite 5'3" (online he said he's 5'6"). He also lives with his Mom, Grandma and brother. Another is 38 and lives with his parents, but that might just be a cultural thing; I'm not sure.
> 
> What do I want: my STBXH lived with his Mom before he moved in with me, and it was a gong show trying to teach him how to do things around a house. I vowed to NEVER get involved with someone who still lives with parental units. I would like someone independent, smart, a homeowner would be nice, someone nice and inherently kind, someone who either has kids and would like another, or who doesn't have kids, but wants them, and someone who loves animals (dogs) is a must for me because my dogs and I come as a package deal. The nice to haves: someone taller because I feel safe with someone larger than me, I don't need/want a 9" penis because... ouch! But larger than a gherkin pickle would be fantastic! Someone with similar interests would also be nice.


Based on this post, I wouldn't say that you are too picky. All of the dates that you mentioned, if I had them, they would not have resulted in another date. Especially given that you've agreed to second dates (chances or impressions) for each of these men; that strikes me as generous.

I don't think that it's a good idea to lower your expectations in order just to find someone because you're lonely or because other people say that you'e too picky. In my experience, lowering expectations can have the risk of the snowball effect, and if you lower your expectations too much, you could end up with someone who isn't good enough for you. 

One way to think about this is, "Are my expectations superficial, or are they actually a way to identify someone who is compatible with me, and who will treat me well?"


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Ursula said:


> I'm a firm believer in giving people second chances, so unless there was something glaringly wrong, zero attraction, or we sat in uncomfortable silence, every man I've gone for coffee with has gotten a second date. Why? Because a lot of times, the first meeting, both people are nervous, and aren't really themselves. Or, they are, but a really fidgety version of themselves. The second time around is usually much more calm. Plus, I would want to be given a second chance.
> 
> I ended up ending things for a variety of reasons: one man's wife still lived with him in the basement, and they weren't even talking divorce yet, just kind of separated. Some were very much into themselves and not so much into learning about who I am, I have a second date tomorrow with a very short man 4-5 years my junior who has 2 small kids, but got a vasectomy, so he can't have anymore. I say short because he's my height, and I'm not quite 5'3" (online he said he's 5'6"). He also lives with his Mom, Grandma and brother. Another is 38 and lives with his parents, but that might just be a cultural thing; I'm not sure.
> 
> What do I want: my STBXH lived with his Mom before he moved in with me, and it was a gong show trying to teach him how to do things around a house. I vowed to NEVER get involved with someone who still lives with parental units. I would like someone independent, smart, a homeowner would be nice, someone nice and inherently kind, someone who either has kids and would like another, or who doesn't have kids, but wants them, and someone who loves animals (dogs) is a must for me because my dogs and I come as a package deal. The nice to haves: someone taller because I feel safe with someone larger than me, I don't need/want a 9" penis because... ouch! But larger than a gherkin pickle would be fantastic! Someone with similar interests would also be nice.


As @Diana7 observed, I am arrogant, except perhaps it's as much earned as exaggerated. Yet others don't avoid me. I avoid others.

I would have advised you to run from those guys fast and far. They sound like "Losers." I would advise any friend of mine who dated anyone like that to definitely not consider settling for such wastes of air.

Don't settle for less than what you deserve. You deserve better than any of those.

Oh, and while I am arrogant, I don't have a 9" penis. Not even close!


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Hmm I dont think too many women are that picky as to want the things you mentioned. I didn't expect or want ANY of the things you mentioned.
> 
> In some ways I was very specific, in that he had to share my faith and have good character such as strong moral values, integrity, honesty and patience, but the more shallow things such as you describe I wasn't bothered about AT ALL.
> 
> ...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

chillymorn69 said:


> Diana7 said:
> 
> 
> > Hmm I dont think too many women are that picky as to want the things you mentioned. I didn't expect or want ANY of the things you mentioned.
> ...


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> chillymorn69 said:
> 
> 
> > Some yes.
> ...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Never compromise on your standards. Only make sure you set the same standards on yourself.

Not always about just finding the right person it's also about being the right person.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

chillymorn69 said:


> Diana7 said:
> 
> 
> > Aggreed!
> ...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Ursula said:


> In the world of dating nowadays, how does a person know when they're being too picky? I've blown through A LOT of coffee dates, and turned down lots of men, some who I genuinely really liked and got on with really well. And I'm just wondering where that line is. Thoughts?


I don't know what "too picky" means. For myself, I would rather be alone than with the wrong person. In the end it comes down to what the goal is.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Ursula said:


> In the world of dating nowadays, how does a person know when they're being too picky? I've blown through A LOT of coffee dates, and turned down lots of men, some who I genuinely really liked and got on with really well. And I'm just wondering where that line is. Thoughts?


*Whereas there are picky people just as there are people who are more affable, I believe that in younger life, those people pay far more credence to looks and physical attractiveness more so than personality!

As more rational maturity sets in, the attractiveness factor seems to lessen more in favor of personality! 

And frankly, while looks are a definite perk, I prefer the overall personality, empathy, and the likeability of a woman so much more!*


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I’m in the same boat as you, and no your not too picky I would of never went on a date with any of those men you mentioned. I’ve been OLD for a month and it is slim pickings in my area.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

chillymorn69 said:


> Diana7 said:
> 
> 
> > Aggreed!
> ...


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I prioritized fitness. The body is a temple. The activities I had in mind were massage and sex. I also prioritized happiness. I needed someone to counterbalance my negativity.

Mary prioritized height. She says the fact I am over six feet tall was vital. I know she also prioritized my authority. I think my physical fitness helped me always maintain that.

But hey, don't accept people who lie so clumsily! If the guy can't even tell the truth about himself on his intro thing you need to steer clear of him. Mary lied to get me, but she was a superb liar. She sometimes claims she had no idea she was doing it, but she sure did it well. I have to admire that. Don't accept clumsy liars!


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Those are not unreasonable - though the penis size thing takes a while to discover...:wink2:

I've lost track - what age range are you dating? Beyond some age, most people who want children will already have children. 

Do you take your dogs to a local dog park? You might meet other animal lovers there. 

What sort of interests are in your "similar interests" category?




Ursula said:


> snip
> I would like someone independent, smart, a homeowner would be nice, someone nice and inherently kind, someone who either has kids and would like another, or who doesn't have kids, but wants them, and someone who loves animals (dogs) is a must for me because my dogs and I come as a package deal. The nice to haves: someone taller because I feel safe with someone larger than me, I don't need/want a 9" penis because... ouch! But larger than a gherkin pickle would be fantastic! Someone with similar interests would also be nice.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

FeministInPink said:


> Based on this post, I wouldn't say that you are too picky. All of the dates that you mentioned, if I had them, they would not have resulted in another date. Especially given that you've agreed to second dates (chances or impressions) for each of these men; that strikes me as generous.
> 
> I don't think that it's a good idea to lower your expectations in order just to find someone because you're lonely or because other people say that you'e too picky. In my experience, lowering expectations can have the risk of the snowball effect, and if you lower your expectations too much, you could end up with someone who isn't good enough for you.
> 
> *One way to think about this is, "Are my expectations superficial, or are they actually a way to identify someone who is compatible with me, and who will treat me well?"*


Good thinking, and yes, I'm being generous by giving tonight's guy a second chance. Thing is that he's a super-dooper nice guy. He's been through therapy after being abused by and leaving his wife, he's put the work in, and knows what it takes to make a relationship work, and that appeals to me. He also knows what it feels like to be abused, and since he's put in the work on himself, he probably wouldn't put anyone through that. The only 2 things that bug me: his height and the fact that he's "fixed". BUT, I'm almost 40, and getting pregnant is REALLY difficult for the women in my immediate family, so I don't even know if I can have kids. He has 2, and that's also appealing.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

FeministInPink said:


> chillymorn69 said:
> 
> 
> > It isn't always bad to prioritize looks. A lot of biological markers that we look for are indicative of good health and lifestyle.
> ...


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

uhtred said:


> Those are not unreasonable - though the penis size thing takes a while to discover...:wink2:
> 
> I've lost track - what age range are you dating? Beyond some age, most people who want children will already have children.
> 
> ...


My age rage is set to 37-44 (I'm 39), and I'm actually finding that at least in my area, the guys in my age range are either separated, divorced and have kids with no plans to have more, or They've never been married. 

I do sometimes take my dogs to a dog park, but usually just walk the area that we live in. And yes, I've thought about volunteering for my local animal rescue society, but I just finished a stint of doing that, and most of the people that I met there are women.

Interests: dogs, exercising, music, hiking, camping, cooking, wine tasting, photography, skiing, various sports, gardening to name a few.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Ursula said:


> Good thinking, and yes, I'm being generous by giving tonight's guy a second chance. Thing is that he's a super-dooper nice guy. He's been through therapy after being abused by and leaving his wife, he's put the work in, and knows what it takes to make a relationship work, and that appeals to me. He also knows what it feels like to be abused, and since he's put in the work on himself, he probably wouldn't put anyone through that. The only 2 things that bug me: his height and the fact that he's "fixed". BUT, I'm almost 40, and getting pregnant is REALLY difficult for the women in my immediate family, so I don't even know if I can have kids. He has 2, and that's also appealing.


I think he sounds promising, despite the drawbacks. Unless he's REALLY short, you might find that it's not really an issue for you once you get to know him. Vasectomies can be reversed; he probably got fixed when he though his marriage was going to last, and he may be open to having more kids with his second wife. And there is always adoption... of being a stepmom could be great!!!


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

FeministInPink said:


> I think he sounds promising, despite the drawbacks. Unless he's REALLY short, you might find that it's not really an issue for you once you get to know him. Vasectomies can be reversed; he probably got fixed when he though his marriage was going to last, and he may be open to having more kids with his second wife. And there is always adoption... of being a stepmom could be great!!!


Nope, we've talked about the reversal, and whether that's an option down the road if he meets someone who would like to try having children with him, and that's not an option; he won't be going through the reversal. But yes, there is always adoption, which is what my original life plan was anyways.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

When I did OLD I was 42-43. The BEST age, imo because men my age usually had children. While I'm child-free by choice (FTR I adore kids, I just don't want any for myself) this was a great measuring stick for me and I used it to my advantage. I could usually figure out when we talked if he was a good father. If they regularly saw their kids, talked about them, and regularly went to their activities, I was interested.

I had a few men who said they'd either trade their time with their kids or just cancel to meet with me. I was immediately turned off and said, NEXT! Because if they would do that to their kids, their own flesh and blood, what would they do to me down the line when they met someone shinier and newer?

Although I'm not married, I have a live-in BF of 6 years (met on POF) with the most incredible 18 yo daughter. I love her (and him) beyond measure. 

And I really don't think there's such a thing as being "too picky." I call it having standards. And I think you're doing just fine. I think this is a prime time for you. ☺ Keep doing what you're doing.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Isn't he the one who said he was 5'6" on his profile...?

We do care about you!


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I can see why you are wary of the men you describe. Maybe you need to find out a bit more about them before you meet so you don't waste your time? I mean if you want children why bother seeing a man who cant have them? I agree with the living with the parents thing. I would have no interest in anyone past their late 20's still living with mum and dad.





katiecrna said:


> I’m in the same boat as you, and no your not too picky I would of never went on a date with any of those men you mentioned. I’ve been OLD for a month and it is slim pickings in my area.


I agree about NOT meeting up with them before having some conversation time online first- then move onto phone 
conversation. I "weeded out" a lot of duds doing it this way myself back when I dated. I remember one 37 year old guy I was chatting with on messenger bragging to me that he had his own place "now". As an independent person that is a single parent, I'm not looking for an additional child to take care of. Waiting until you're almost 40 to get the hell out of Momma's house disturbed me. What did I say back to him when he told me that? I simply replied"You've got your own place? Wow, me too!" 
He prompted me to re-analyze my dating profile- I decided quality over quantity was becoming a must as I was growing weary of the weeding. 
I changed it to say some of the usual things it told about me but I added an ending line of "I work full time, live in my own place, support my children and pay all of my bills on time. ANY man I would consider dating MUST be able to say the same". The man I live with now responded. I liked that it didnt' scare him off when I said a grown ass man needs to act like a grown ass man. 



Ursula said:


> My age rage is set to 37-44 (I'm 39), and I'm actually finding that at least in my area, e guys in my age range are either separated, divorced and have kids with no plans to have more, or *They've never been married. *
> 
> I do sometimes take my dogs to a dog park, but usually just walk the area that we live in. And yes, I've thought about volunteering for my local animal rescue society, but I just finished a stint of doing that, and most of the people that I met there are women.
> 
> Interests: dogs, exercising, music, hiking, camping, cooking, wine tasting, photography, skiing, various sports, gardening to name a few.


Some people will always stay single....and usually it's for good reason -I have discovered. There are worse things than being alone.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Ursula said:


> I'm a firm believer in giving people second chances, so unless there was something glaringly wrong, zero attraction, or we sat in uncomfortable silence, every man I've gone for coffee with has gotten a second date. Why? Because a lot of times, the first meeting, both people are nervous, and aren't really themselves. Or, they are, but a really fidgety version of themselves. The second time around is usually much more calm. Plus, I would want to be given a second chance.
> 
> I ended up ending things for a variety of reasons: one man's wife still lived with him in the basement, and they weren't even talking divorce yet, just kind of separated. Some were very much into themselves and not so much into learning about who I am, I have a second date tomorrow with a very short man 4-5 years my junior who has 2 small kids, but got a vasectomy, so he can't have anymore. I say short because he's my height, and I'm not quite 5'3" (online he said he's 5'6"). He also lives with his Mom, Grandma and brother. Another is 38 and lives with his parents, but that might just be a cultural thing; I'm not sure.
> 
> What do I want: my STBXH lived with his Mom before he moved in with me, and it was a gong show trying to teach him how to do things around a house. I vowed to NEVER get involved with someone who still lives with parental units. I would like someone independent, smart, a homeowner would be nice, someone nice and inherently kind, someone who either has kids and would like another, or who doesn't have kids, but wants them, and someone who loves animals (dogs) is a must for me because my dogs and I come as a package deal. The nice to haves: someone taller because I feel safe with someone larger than me, I don't need/want a 9" penis because... ouch! But larger than a gherkin pickle would be fantastic! Someone with similar interests would also be nice.


It sounds like you're keen to be in a relationship, rather than casually dating. 

I wonder if you're being selective enough..(gasp).. before going on the first dates. It sounds as though you're attracting/being attracted to men with living arrangements/circumstances that you stated here is the opposite of what you want in someone. 

Granted, I know nothing about dating.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I Agree. Ursula, why would your u date a guy that lives with his brother and grandma?

Height and looks , unimportant.

Living with grandma should be automatic no.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Edit


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Just a comment that it may be that looking too hard for a relationship may not be the best. I wonder if casual fun dating might be a better way to run into someone who you would be interested in in the long term. Is it possible that looking for something that could be permanent just adds to much stress?

I haven't dated since the Cretaceous extinction so my views aren't worth a lot....



heartsbeating said:


> It sounds like you're keen to be in a relationship, rather than casually dating.
> 
> I wonder if you're being selective enough..(gasp).. before going on the first dates. It sounds as though you're attracting/being attracted to men with living arrangements/circumstances that you stated here is the opposite of what you want in someone.
> 
> Granted, I know nothing about dating.


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## Pantone429c (Feb 8, 2018)

Ursula said:


> I'm a firm believer in giving people second chances, so unless there was something glaringly wrong, zero attraction, or we sat in uncomfortable silence, every man I've gone for coffee with has gotten a second date. Why? Because a lot of times, the first meeting, both people are nervous, and aren't really themselves. Or, they are, but a really fidgety version of themselves. The second time around is usually much more calm. Plus, I would want to be given a second chance.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Your wants in a man all seem reasonable to me as a man if I had a grocery list of wants in a woman they would include

A woman who has been married and knows it takes 2 to make a relationship strong

She would have a good sense of humor and be able to laugh at herself and at me

She would be slow to anger (talk with me so I know something is wrong)

She would have integrity (not cheat or lie) 

She would be my kind of pretty and attempt to stay that way.

Many more things but these are the must haves...... did I mention integrity? If the relationship isn’t working for her then say so be, a grownup 




Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Pantone429c (Feb 8, 2018)

RandomDude said:


> Never compromise on your standards. Only make sure you set the same standards on yourself.
> 
> 
> 
> Not always about just finding the right person it's also about being the right person.




Amen!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

uhtred said:


> *Just a comment that it may be that looking too hard for a relationship may not be the best.* I wonder if casual fun dating might be a better way to run into someone who you would be interested in in the long term. *Is it possible that looking for something that could be permanent just adds to much stress?*.


It's wild to me that we've gotten to this point - where a serious relationship is debatable.

For those who're unfamiliar with _Logan's Run_, in the first scene, the main male character gets on his electronic device and brings up various profiles - deciding who he's going to have sex with that night. And this movie is from 1976.

That pretty much sums up OLD. It's become little more than an escort service.

We've created a society of consumerism and entertainment and instant gratification.

It started with the industrial revolution, which went beyond taking care of our basic needs and has led to shopping as a form of novelty and fun.

Now that same mentality defines how we treat one another - to be used and deposed of.


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## Pantone429c (Feb 8, 2018)

Ursula said:


> My age rage is set to 37-44 (I'm 39), and I'm actually finding that at least in my area, the guys in my age range are either separated, divorced and have kids with no plans to have more, or They've never been married.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Have you investigated meetup groups? 


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Pantone429c said:


> Have you investigated meetup groups?


I have. I joined one for introverts.

I drove 45 minutes for lunch with a small group, and no one showed up. When I got home, I checked in online, and the event had been cancelled 15 minutes before we were supposed to get together.

That was my first and last try.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

minimalME said:


> I have. I joined one for introverts.
> 
> I drove 45 minutes for lunch with a small group, and no one showed up. When I got home, I checked in online, and the event had been cancelled 15 minutes before we were supposed to get together.
> 
> That was my first and last try.


Well, introverts are known for cancelling plans! LOL  (I say this as an introvert!)

Try some that are 1) closer to you, and 2) related to your hobbies.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> Well, introverts are known for cancelling plans! LOL  (I say this as an introvert!)
> 
> Try some that are 1) closer to you, and 2) related to your hobbies.


That's true! 

But it was a public, group event, and I thought it was very rude. I wrote to the organizer to share my disappointment, and she never replied.

I've joined several groups on the site. Although they have lots of members, they just don't seem to be very active.

I live at ski resort up on a mountain that's set apart from the rest of the 'normal' communities. It's gonna take me at least 30 minutes to get to any activity.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

from what you have said, I don't think it's that your criteria is unreasonable or unrealistic at all. It's not that your criteria is too high so it's not really a case of being too picky. But it may be that you are having a hard time making a choice and ending the search.

The thing that you need to keep in mind if your ultimate goal is marriage and children etc is that in many ways marriage is settling. That is why the people use the term, "settling down" when they talk of people getting married. 

Marriage isn't achieving the final great accomplishment and you are standing on the podium with the national anthem playing and you are getting a medal placed around your neck. 

Marriage is saying you don't want to keep searching anymore and you are settling for what is good enough. 

When you are on the dating market, there is always a bigger and better deal out there somewhere - at least in the traits you want. 

You say you want someone taller than you, well at 5'3" yourself the vast vasy majority of American males are going to be taller than you. but your next date may be quite a bit taller and the date after that may be taller yet and so on and so on. 

Love of dogs? Your next date may raise champion show dogs and travel the world. The next date after him may be veterinarian. 

Bigger than pickle? There's dudes out there the size of two beer cans stacked on each other.

Not living with parents? There are homeowners out there. there are Homeowners with summer homes at the lake. Someone out there has a summer home at the lake, a cabin in the woods outside of Vail and a string of rental properties. 

There's always a bigger and better deal out there on every single one of your criteria. 

And as a female on OLD, it is an endless and continuous supply of bigger and better deals with each new day. 

Picking one, is settling. It is saying this one is "good enough" and I don't want to keep looking.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> Well, introverts are known for cancelling plans! LOL  (I say this as an introvert!)
> 
> Try some that are 1) closer to you, and 2) related to your hobbies.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


I thought that was the procrastinators club that kept cancelling!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

minimalME said:


> That's true!
> 
> But it was a public, group event, and I thought it was very rude. I wrote to the organizer to share my disappointment, and she never replied.
> 
> ...


I'm a co-organizer of a MeetUp group. It's difficult to get people to show up sometimes.

You're right, it is quite rude. I would bet a few people contacted her at the last minute to say they wouldn't be there, so she cancelled it.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Pantone429c said:


> Have you investigated meetup groups?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Hey there @Pantone429c, first off, I have to say that I'm probably one of the only people on here who "get" your screen name (I'm a graphic designer). Fantastic name! I'm a pretty big fan of 328C and 221C, myself. 

And, I have thought of doing a meetup group, but just haven't done so yet. I think I'm going to just let my Match membership run out, not renew it, and let things rest for a bit.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

You know, I mentioned that guy because of the misleading profile entry regarding his height. Not because I think height matters, but I do think being misled matters.

I still think people who fudge the truth are people to avoid. If we could fix my wife we would. We deal with her disease. We cope. We avoid triggering her response. Among other things that means I can’t ask her questions.

I do think nobody should step into an issue like it on purpose. Be wary. A person who is stretching the truth is usually not doing it to try to make you happy. I think at the first sign of that kind of thing you should exit stage left.

Never settle. You are worthy of the right man.


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

minimalME said:


> I have. I joined one for introverts.
> 
> I drove 45 minutes for lunch with a small group, and no one showed up. When I got home, I checked in online, and the event had been cancelled 15 minutes before we were supposed to get together.
> 
> That was my first and last try.


I'm sorry, but that is absolutely hilarious.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

WilliamM said:


> I prioritized fitness. The body is a temple. The activities I had in mind were massage and sex. I also prioritized happiness. I needed someone to counterbalance my negativity.
> 
> Mary prioritized height. She says the fact I am over six feet tall was vital. I know she also prioritized my authority. I think my physical fitness helped me always maintain that.
> 
> But hey, don't accept people who lie so clumsily! If the guy can't even tell the truth about himself on his intro thing you need to steer clear of him. Mary lied to get me, but she was a superb liar. She sometimes claims she had no idea she was doing it, but she sure did it well. I have to admire that. Don't accept clumsy liars!


Must admit that being too picky to me would be rejecting a good man because he was 5th 11inches and not 6ft. How sad that would be. My husband is 6ft but I couldn't care less it he was 5ft 10 or 6ft 2. Its his character integrity and personality that matters. 

I am one who hates lying and deception. I would not be wth a man who lied.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I remember one guy on a dating site who openly said that he had put himself in the age group that was younger than he was because he thought of himself as younger(dont we all) and had many younger friends. 
I thought that was quite bizarrre and it put me off him immediately. I mean we can't choose our age, we are how old we are.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Ursula said:


> In the world of dating nowadays, how does a person know when they're being too picky? I've blown through A LOT of coffee dates, and turned down lots of men, some who I genuinely really liked and got on with really well. And I'm just wondering where that line is. Thoughts?


Coffee dates?! No wonder they aren't going well. Any guy that asks you out to coffee should get an immediate "no".


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Honestly, OP, it rather sounds like you're not being picky _enough_. At least, not early enough in the process. 

I highly recommend not even chatting anymore with a man once you find out there's some major point of incompatibility. You want a man who lives independently. So, once you find out a guy is living with his mother and grandmother, why even agree to an initial coffee date? Or, if you find that out on the coffee date, why agree to another date? As soon as you have that information, you know you two aren't compatible. So, kindly tell him you've enjoyed getting to know him but that you don't see you two being compatible, and wish him well in his search for Ms. Right. Then don't keep chatting or dating him. The guy clearly doesn't meet your criteria. No matter how nice he seems, he's not what you're looking for as a romantic partner. And the same goes for any of the men you've described giving second chances to who clearly have major red flags that they're not really what you're looking for. 

Figure out basic compatibility before you even get to the first date and don't go out with men who don't clear the hurdle. Then you'll only be dating men who are basically compatible - or at least seem to actually have that going for them - and you can then focus on whether there's a spark. That spark with a guy you're not compatible with is useless unless you're just in it for casual NSA sex. Since you seem to be interested in a LTR, then you need to find both spark_ and _compatibility. If a man doesn't meet your basic needs for compatibility, it doesn't matter how nice he is or how much of a spark there is. He's not likely to be suitable as a LTR partner. He's not your guy.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Ursula said:


> Good thinking, and yes, I'm being generous by giving tonight's guy a second chance. Thing is that he's a super-dooper nice guy. He's been through therapy after being abused by and leaving his wife, he's put the work in, and knows what it takes to make a relationship work, and that appeals to me. He also knows what it feels like to be abused, and since he's put in the work on himself, he probably wouldn't put anyone through that. The only 2 things that bug me: his height and the fact that he's "fixed". BUT, I'm almost 40, and getting pregnant is REALLY difficult for the women in my immediate family, so I don't even know if I can have kids. He has 2, and that's also appealing.


I'd not invest time in this one. He's got the "nice guy" label already, which is far less appealing than being labelled successful, confident, MAN. You haven't mentioned once that the thought of being with him turned you on. He's already spilled his life story, complete with abuse/therapy/talk about ex wife, which is the sign of a weak beta male. Add that you want to get pregnant and he can't provide that, plus he's shorter than you'd like, and I can guarantee this won't work out. 

I don't know what your options are. How attractive and successful are you? Is he really the best you can do?

@Rowan - I have to agree with Rowan here. 

You need to come up with a list of criteria of what you are looking for in an ideal man. Then try to find a guy that meets 80-90% or more on that list. I personally have a list that I keep with me defining what I'd want in an ideal woman. If the woman doesn't fill my criteria then I'll casually date her if there is a lot of chemistry. If she meets my list but there isn't chemistry I won't date her. If she meets my list and we have chemistry then I'd be game for more than casual, if the relationship naturally progressed in that direction.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

WilliamM said:


> You know, I mentioned that guy because of the misleading profile entry regarding his height. Not because I think height matters, but I do think being misled matters.
> 
> I still think people who fudge the truth are people to avoid. If we could fix my wife we would. We deal with her disease. We cope. We avoid triggering her response. Among other things that means I can’t ask her questions.
> 
> ...


It was uncanny, but he brought up height when we went out on Saturday evening. He mentioned that so many women want taller men, and he was surprised by that. He then pointed out that he was 5'6"… 5'7", and wondered if that were tall enough. We stopped walking, and I told him that I'm nearly 5'3". We were eye-to-eye. He actually went home and measured himself, and apologized profusely when he discovered that he's 5'5". I honestly don't think he meant to fib, but it does bug me. What I think bugs me more though is the fact that he's had a vasectomy at 34 years of age. He actually told me Saturday that he wishes he never went through the procedure now. 

After Saturday with that guy, and a Sunday lunch with one other that I've now seen 3 times, I think I'm done with them both. Both are very nice, and the fact that Lunch Guy was born in a set of triplets appeals to me. Twins and triplets run in his family; there are many sets. But, I'm unsure about the cultural differences with him, and there's already a communication barrier because English isn't his mother-tongue. 

Sigh, he's out there, somewhere, I hope!


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Bananapeel said:


> Coffee dates?! No wonder they aren't going well. Any guy that asks you out to coffee should get an immediate "no".


Since it's OLD, I feel safe going out for coffee because it's a public place. Coffee joints are usually quiet enough to carry on a conversation and get to know a little about each other. I have no problem with coffee dates for first time meetings, and going from there.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

You are welcome to do those coffee dates, but you are setting yourself up for failure. The best dates are activities where you get to know each other by doing something fun, rather going through each other's resume over coffee. They get the excitement level going and help to build/determine attraction. And as long as you are in a public place, there's no more or less inherent risk than a coffee shop. 

Personally, I have never done a coffee date and if a woman insisted on it, I'd decline the invitation. Just like if she told me her life story complete with talk about exes on a first date, I'd be gone before the check came.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Bananapeel said:


> You are welcome to do those coffee dates, but you are setting yourself up for failure. The best dates are activities where you get to know each other by doing something fun, rather going through each other's resume over coffee. They get the excitement level going and help to build/determine attraction. And as long as you are in a public place, there's no more or less inherent risk than a coffee shop.
> 
> Personally, I have never done a coffee date and if a woman insisted on it, I'd decline the invitation. Just like if she told me her life story complete with talk about exes on a first date, I'd be gone before the check came.


I do those kind of dates too, but have usually just gone for coffee on the first meet up. That's a good point though. This past week, I started chatting with another guy; a fellow dog owner. He's suggested a dog walk or skating. Good point, @Bananapeel; I'll try shaking things up a bit!


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

FrenchFry said:


> I'm sorry, but that is absolutely hilarious.


I can laugh about it now, but at the time, I was super pissed.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> I remember one guy on a dating site who openly said that he had put himself in the age group that was younger than he was because he thought of himself as younger(dont we all) and had many younger friends.
> I thought that was quite bizarrre and it put me off him immediately. I mean we can't choose our age, we are how old we are.


This sort of thing makes me roll my eyes. The only person he's kidding is himself.

Any woman who is into older men isn't even going to see his profile because he's put himself in the younger category. The dates he gets because they think he's younger will likely ditch him when they find out he lied about his age.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Rowan said:


> Honestly, OP, it rather sounds like you're not being picky _enough_. At least, not early enough in the process.
> 
> I highly recommend not even chatting anymore with a man once you find out there's some major point of incompatibility. You want a man who lives independently. So, once you find out a guy is living with his mother and grandmother, why even agree to an initial coffee date? Or, if you find that out on the coffee date, why agree to another date? As soon as you have that information, you know you two aren't compatible. So, kindly tell him you've enjoyed getting to know him but that you don't see you two being compatible, and wish him well in his search for Ms. Right. Then don't keep chatting or dating him. The guy clearly doesn't meet your criteria. No matter how nice he seems, he's not what you're looking for as a romantic partner. And the same goes for any of the men you've described giving second chances to who clearly have major red flags that they're not really what you're looking for.
> 
> Figure out basic compatibility before you even get to the first date and don't go out with men who don't clear the hurdle. Then you'll only be dating men who are basically compatible - or at least seem to actually have that going for them - and you can then focus on whether there's a spark. That spark with a guy you're not compatible with is useless unless you're just in it for casual NSA sex. Since you seem to be interested in a LTR, then you need to find both spark_ and _compatibility. If a man doesn't meet your basic needs for compatibility, it doesn't matter how nice he is or how much of a spark there is. He's not likely to be suitable as a LTR partner. He's not your guy.


I think @Rowan has a really good point. And the OP is just wasting her time if she knows in her gut that the guy's not compatible--she could be doing much better things with her time than giving a chance to guy who doesn't necessarily deserve it.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I am an old married man. I do have a large number of clients and acquaintances, not to mention a child that is in the dating pool. I cannot think of anything more intimidating than going on a date. That being said, I do tell those that ask that the best policy is to always be yourself and upfront about everything good and bad in your background. I have been pleasantly surprised that some of my more senior singles have found partners at a later stage of life. One delightful lady, found a gentleman, both in their late60's. I am overjoyed for her, as I could not think of anyone more deserving of a touch of passion and a whole lot of companionship. I hope that something similar is awaiting all of my single friends. OK, so I am a yenta, and have set one or three of them up. I have even introduced a gay couple, and I believe they are marrying soon. (Hope to snag an invite to the wedding, it should be fabulous.)


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

You're not too picky. You simply haven't found a way to only go out with guys that are more likely what you want.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

FeministInPink said:


> I think @Rowan has a really good point. And the OP is just wasting her time if she knows in her gut that the guy's not compatible--she could be doing much better things with her time than giving a chance to guy who doesn't necessarily deserve it.


Yep, I'm too nice, and too willing to give more than 1 chance. This needs to stop, and I need to look at situations and people with a more discerning eye. Now I know that I'm not being too picky, I may be able to better do that. Thanks guys!


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Ursula said:


> Yep, I'm too nice, and too willing to give more than 1 chance. This needs to stop, and I need to look at situations and people with a more discerning eye. Now I know that I'm not being too picky, I may be able to better do that. Thanks guys!


Go, Go, Ursula!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You definitely need to be more picky. Nothing wrong with a few absolute deal breakers on your list - and what's on your list will be different to someone else's. The problem is when people make those lists unobtainable, like they really are looking for Mr or Ms perfect - no such thing. We're all perfectly imperfect in our own way.

My deal breakers aren't that unreasonable - if I ever found myself single again I would want a man with the following attributes at a minimum: he must treat me with respect, have a job, a home, be family minded, be a respectable member of the community. A good person basically - and over 6' 2" is a requirement for me, given that I'm 6'  He doesn't need to be rich or movie star handsome...that's superficial.

Oh - and his parents must be dead. Kidding...kinda... :O


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

frusdil said:


> You definitely need to be more picky. Nothing wrong with a few absolute deal breakers on your list - and what's on your list will be different to someone else's. The problem is when people make those lists unobtainable, like they really are looking for Mr or Ms perfect - no such thing. We're all perfectly imperfect in our own way.
> 
> My deal breakers aren't that unreasonable - if I ever found myself single again I would want a man with the following attributes at a minimum: he must treat me with respect, have a job, a home, be family minded, be a respectable member of the community. A good person basically - and over 6' 2" is a requirement for me, given that I'm 6'  He doesn't need to be rich or movie star handsome...that's superficial.
> 
> Oh - and his parents must be dead. Kidding...kinda... :O


Oh for sure, dealbreakers are good to have in place. Mine used to be unobtainable, which is one reason why I thought I may be being way too picky now. I'm not looking for Mr. Perfect, just Mr. Perfect-for-me. I've jotted down a list of dealbreakers for myself, and those include: honest, respectful, kind to those around him, must love dogs!, trustworthy, have a job and a home, family man, responsible and dependable (I guess this would go with job/home).

Tomorrow evening, I have a walk-"date" with the man who lives with his Mom/Grandma/Brother. At that time, I think I will let him know that while I think he's very sweet, I don't foresee a future together. Or maybe I will let him know afterwards, over telephone. Haven't figured that out yet! Also have another that I've seen a couple times, wanting to go to the movies. Found out last night that he's eager for a girlfriend to satisfy some of his <ahem> needs. I'll also be letting him know that I don't foresee a future.

I've gotten back online with those things in mind, and found a couple men that I've messaged who fit the bill quite well, from what I know so far. One has messaged back. I'm glad for the OLD experiences that I've had so far, as they've shown me that not all people have good intentions, to be more careful and take more time. We'll see how this works with a new mindset!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Ursula said:


> Oh for sure, dealbreakers are good to have in place. Mine used to be unobtainable, which is one reason why I thought I may be being way too picky now. I'm not looking for Mr. Perfect, just Mr. Perfect-for-me. I've jotted down a list of dealbreakers for myself, and those include: honest, respectful, kind to those around him, must love dogs!, trustworthy, responsible and dependable, family man, have a job and a home (I guess this would go with job/home).
> 
> Tomorrow evening, I have a walk-"date" with the man who lives with his Mom/Grandma/Brother. At that time, I think I will let him know that while I think he's very sweet, I don't foresee a future together. Or maybe I will let him know afterwards, over telephone. Haven't figured that out yet! Also have another that I've seen a couple times, wanting to go to the movies. Found out last night that he's eager for a girlfriend to satisfy some of his <ahem> needs. I'll also be letting him know that I don't foresee a future.
> 
> I've gotten back online with those things in mind, and found a couple men that I've messaged who fit the bill quite well, from what I know so far. One has messaged back. I'm glad for the OLD experiences that I've had so far, as they've shown me that not all people have good intentions, to be more careful and take more time. We'll see how this works with a new mindset!


I'd cancel the walk. Why risk building up his feelings for you, just to say you're not interested. I'd rather a woman cancel a date rather than humor me with a date when she has no interest.

I've had people cancel dates or just ghost me. I'd rather have either than go through meeting someone and thinking there's a chance while they cut my feet out from under me.
JMO


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

uhtred said:


> Just a comment that it may be that looking too hard for a relationship may not be the best. I wonder if casual fun dating might be a better way to run into someone who you would be interested in in the long term. Is it possible that looking for something that could be permanent just adds to much stress?
> 
> I haven't dated since the Cretaceous extinction so my views aren't worth a lot....


I couldn't agree with this post enough. To me, when someone says they are looking for a relationship that is just them trying too hard. We are all looking for a relationship, but all relationships have to start someplace. So why not just date and have fun? And no, for you naysayers, that doesn't mean have sex. It just means have fun. Enjoy the journey, live and learn and find out what you like and dislike. Better to make an informed decision based on what you know, than to take a blind leap of faith based on what you guess.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Ursula said:


> Oh for sure, dealbreakers are good to have in place. Mine used to be unobtainable, which is one reason why I thought I may be being way too picky now. I'm not looking for Mr. Perfect, just Mr. Perfect-for-me. I've jotted down a list of dealbreakers for myself, and those include: honest, respectful, kind to those around him, must love dogs!, trustworthy, responsible and dependable, family man, have a job and a home (I guess this would go with job/home).
> 
> Tomorrow evening, I have a walk-"date" with the man who lives with his Mom/Grandma/Brother. At that time, I think I will let him know that while I think he's very sweet, I don't foresee a future together. Or maybe I will let him know afterwards, over telephone. Haven't figured that out yet! Also have another that I've seen a couple times, wanting to go to the movies. Found out last night that he's eager for a girlfriend to satisfy some of his <ahem> needs. I'll also be letting him know that I don't foresee a future.
> 
> I've gotten back online with those things in mind, and found a couple men that I've messaged who fit the bill quite well, from what I know so far. One has messaged back. I'm glad for the OLD experiences that I've had so far, as they've shown me that not all people have good intentions, to be more careful and take more time. We'll see how this works with a new mindset!


Why are you wasting your time seeing these men again, when you know that you don't see anything happening with them, and you don't plan on seeing them again? You. Are. Wasting. Your. Time.

Stop wasting your time with men who you already know aren't a fit! And stop wasting THEIR time.


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## M042 (Nov 4, 2013)

minimalME said:


> It's wild to me that we've gotten to this point - where a serious relationship is debatable.
> 
> For those who're unfamiliar with _Logan's Run_, in the first scene, the main male character gets on his electronic device and brings up various profiles - deciding who he's going to have sex with that night. And this movie is from 1976.
> 
> ...


Extremely exaggerated depiction of online dating, see above.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

M042 said:


> Extremely exaggerated depiction of online dating, see above.


No - actually, it's spot on.


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## M042 (Nov 4, 2013)

minimalME said:


> No - actually, it's spot on.


No, it actually isn't. At all. There are estimates of upwards of 30% of currently married couples having met OLD. That is hardly an escort service.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

M042 said:


> No, it actually isn't. At all. There are estimates of upwards of 30% of currently married couples having met OLD. That is hardly an escort service.


You can quote all the stats you'd like. I've been dating online since 2010, and my experiences have been nothing short of dehumanizing - on a consistent basis.

Actually, you're right. Prostitutes and escorts get paid. Men looking to 'get laid like pavement' (one male poster here to another), couldn't care less how many women they plow through. 

And in an age of 'englightened women', it's shocking that the female population tolerates this type of behavior. 

Lastly, people getting married as a result of meeting online means nothing to me. I've met guys who've revealed on first dates that they've been married two or three times already. 

In 50 years, feel free to show me how many stayed together.


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## M042 (Nov 4, 2013)

minimalME said:


> You can quote all the stats you'd like. I've been dating online since 2010, and my experiences have been nothing short of dehumanizing - on a consistent basis.
> 
> Actually, you're right. Prostitutes and escorts get paid. Men looking to 'get laid like pavement' (one male poster here to another), couldn't care less how many women they plow through.
> 
> ...


Ok, so you are bitter. That explains your...slanted view.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

That line is really important. I think often people don't really know what they are looking for. A male friend of mine married a woman that met all his "requirements" after only dating a short time.

No one lied to anyone, she was just the person he thought she was, but I can tell that with time he has discovered that what he thought he wanted was not what he really wanted. They are not miserable, but they are also not very happy together. 



Ynot said:


> SNIP
> Better to make an informed decision based on what you know, than to take a blind leap of faith based on what you guess.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

From what I have been reading I think I can reasonably guess that it seems most likely that it is probably the case that the most likely scenario is those who do want to just hook up fast, or who are the dregs of society and can't get dates if they meet people face to face first, tend to haunt OnLineDating sites, thereby diluting the presence of reasonable prospective mates to the point the reasonable prospects seem nearly impossible to find in that venue, which then gives OnLineDating an even worse reputation.

That's what I hear. Which is why those I know who are dating tell me they wouldn't use it no matter what. They meet through social events, meet ups of like minded people in larger gatherings, that sort of thing.

Someone observed that people we know use OnLineDating but just don't own up to it. But my wife's relatives are a gossipy group, and we never hear about a date with anyone who wasn't heard about earlier as an acquaintance via some social function. They do manage to get to a lot of social events, though. Very gregarious lot, my wife's relatives and friends.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

M042 said:


> Ok, so you are bitter. That explains your...slanted view.


I know many married couples who met on line, as my husband and I did and 2 other family members did. . :smile2:

You do need to be careful what sites you use and stay away from the ones that are mainly for casual sex only. Also stay away from the free ones and international ones. You also need to be careful about safety and scammers etc and also realise that you will met some weird people, but you do in life anyway. Also you need patience. A lady I know met her husband after 7 years on line. As you say though, a good percentage of couples do meet this way. 

I do think its important that we are picky about the things that really matter to us, not about the more shallow things that in the end don't really matter. 

Thinking about it, my criteria probably excluded 99.9% of all available men of around my age. So not good odds really but I found him after 2 years, but God had a big hand in that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

WilliamM said:


> From what I have been reading I think I can reasonably guess that it seems most likely that it is probably the case that the most likely scenario is those who do want to just hook up fast, or who are the dregs of society and can't get dates if they meet people face to face first, tend to haunt OnLineDating sites, thereby diluting the presence of reasonable prospective mates to the point the reasonable prospects seem nearly impossible to find in that venue, which then gives OnLineDating an even worse reputation.
> 
> That's what I hear. Which is why those I know who are dating tell me they wouldn't use it no matter what. They meet through social events, meet ups of like minded people in larger gatherings, that sort of thing.
> 
> Someone observed that people we know use OnLineDating but just don't own up to it. But my wife's relatives are a gossipy group, and we never hear about a date with anyone who wasn't heard about earlier as an acquaintance via some social function. They do manage to get to a lot of social events, though. Very gregarious lot, my wife's relatives and friends.


I have no issues at all telling people we met on line. I don't see the problem. I have friends whose 30 something year old children complain a lot about not having a boy/girlfriend and yet despite knowing many people who have met on line they don't try it. Its their loss. A relative of mine told everyone at their wedding that they met on line, although I think that most knew anyway, I don't see what there is to be ashamed of. Its just another way of meeting people. 


I met some really lovely people through these on line dating sites, obviously my husband being the best of the lot. The ones I met and who I know who used it are anything but the dregs, most really nice people. 

You get a cross section on line as in life, far better in my opinion than meeting up in a night club or at a bar.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

M042 said:


> Ok, so you are bitter. That explains your...slanted view.


Yeah - the nasty adjectives (bitter, angry, crazy, frigid) and put downs and insults always come out when guys have nothing legitimate to add to a conversation. And when women don't tolerate bull****.

Gotta preserve that male ego somehow. Grrrrr.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I had a mostly negative experience when I tried OLD. A lot of men who were just interested in sex/hooking up, and one guy who tried to force himself on me in an elevator. A lot of ghosting, and getting stood up a lot. 

So, I decided to quit OLD. I met Real Estate the old-fashioned way, in person, at a happy hour hosted by a mutual friend. She wanted us to meet, but I don't think she ever expected that we would get together. And that was almost two years ago now.

If he and I ever split up, I will not be diving into the dating pool anytime soon thereafter. And I definitely won't be doing OLD.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

uhtred said:


> That line is really important. I think often people don't really know what they are looking for. A male friend of mine married a woman that met all his "requirements" after only dating a short time.
> 
> No one lied to anyone, she was just the person he thought she was, but I can tell that with time he has discovered that what he thought he wanted was not what he really wanted. They are not miserable, but they are also not very happy together.


Yes, this is a very important concept that some people seem to miss. Or I don't know, some people are just born with perfect knowledge and have no need to discover anything because they think they already know everything. You don't know what you don't know until you find out. You will never find out if all you do is the same old same old.


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