# Where I'm At - Today



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

My wife and I have been slowly getting closer again. As of today, we are planning for her to move back home in November.

I have not done the textbook approach that is championed by Marriagebuilders. I have not always followed Affaircare’s (very good) advice. I never really did Plan A & B.

I’m finding that the sinking feeling that first surfaced in my gut about 18 months ago is slowly fading.

Our last several marriage therapy sessions have focused more on ‘normal’ marriage issues – and not phone bills or texting.

I have not demanded transparency. I talked about this in private with the marriage therapist. She thinks my wife is too proud to let herself be “policed” at that kind of level. I also know that if my wife could continue to hide things from me if she wished.

Some of the advice I got here that I think has helped me the most:
-Keep your emotions under control
-Get a life
-Continue to express your love
-Take control of the finances (not sure how much this mattered, but I do think it helped)
-Read; work on yourself; do things you used to do before you got married
-If your spouse is unhappy, let them be the one who leaves the house
-Snoop – keep your eyes open
-Trust your gut

Some of the changes that I’ve seen in my wife over the last month:
-The phone is “generally” out of site; if she is using it around me – and I ask - she is open about showing me what she is doing; 
-She has talked to her psychiatrist in more detail about her depression and has made some changes to her medication; before – she insisted that everything was just fine;
-She leaves the laptop at the apartment when she comes to the house
-She is taking at least partial responsibility for her conflicts with our oldest daughter (11); my wife had been blaming it on my daughter – saying she was spoiled or mean; they are going to start seeing a therapist together to figure out how to work through my daughters anger
-She is starting to become more involved with her own family again; she had distanced herself from nearly EVERYONE she was close to before – especially people who would not support what she was doing; 
oHer father recently had minor surgery and is still having some health concerns – she has been talking to him several times a week – calling after he has tests and doctors visits; her father has always been a Rock – and I think this has scared my wife
oShe recently visited her grandmother – who is ?91? and starting to feel very, very tired - for the first time in about a year; she used to be VERY close to her grandmother, but again there was that distance she had created; once again I think her grandmother’s health issues have reminded her about what is important; her grandmother also advised her to work on her marriage; sounds like they had a nice talk; I hope i'm as sharp as she is when I'm 90;
-Instead of blaming me for the shape the house is in (looks like a single dad with two girls lives there – it isn’t pretty) she has started helping organize the girls’ rooms and we are planning to work our way through the house together

There are probably some other things I’m forgetting about. Not all of it is tangible / measurable. So much of it is just about how I feel when we are together.

I still honestly don’t think that my wife ever had a Physical Affair. Our marriage therapist – in private - has told me that she agrees.

My wife’s facebook status as of today:
"NG’s Wife has learned so many lessons this past year. The most important of these: you have to find happiness and peace within yourself before you can appreciate your life and loved ones, who are always there, cheering you on. True love changes over time, as life events changes each of us, but it has always endured. I loved you then. I love you still."

And she sent me the e-mail below out of the blue this morning:
*"Thank you for your enduring love, patience, and strength.
I'm so sorry I put you through so much pain this past year and a half.
You are the strongest man I have ever known.
I felt so close to you last night. (we just layed in bed, watched TV and talked for awhile)
I want to feel that way always.
I look forward to coming home, where I belong.
I love you and I hope you have a wonderful day!"*

Finally – I know this isn’t over. Agreeing that she can come home is not any type of promise that things will work out. It just feels like the right thing to do right now.

If she comes home and the changes she’s made don’t “stick” – divorce is always an option. But that’s true of any marriage at any time.

And even if the texting/calling/attention seeking has stopped, it just gives us a chance to begin working on the underlying problems that were hurting our relationship before this mess got so out of hand.

So – that’s where I’m at – at least for today. I’m still trying to figure a lot of this stuff out. I’m still trying to focus on myself and how to become a better man and a better husband. 

But for the last several weeks I’ve actually felt like my marriage can work. I’ve not had that feeling with any consistency now for a full year and a half.

Trusting my gut – but keeping my eyes open.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

nice777guy said:


> I have not done the textbook approach that is championed by Marriagebuilders. I have not always followed Affaircare’s (very good) advice. I never really did Plan A & B.


There is not set script for recovery in a marriage. You can only take the advice you hear or read and apply it as you feel best fits your situation. From this post it looks like you've done a great job in shepparding your marriage to a better place. Keep up the dedication and once righted never forget the lessons you've learned from both the demise and resurrection of your marriage. Continued good luck NG


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

nice777guy,

Happy to hear you more content with your life and your thoughts about your marriage....
The email you received this morning is a wonderful place to start, I would suggest as you move on stay in the moment, work at being the best person you can be each day, treat her with love and support and good things will come your way......enjoy today and don't worry so much about tomorrow.......or you know what you will miss today.......
Going slow and enjoying each other is what life is about......I think you finally get that and you know what works for you.......
Good Luck and smile each day...........remember the happy moments...........


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I’m pleased for you NG. If we’re not careful we can get truly caught up in being a dad, a husband, extended family and with our work. Time rushes by so quickly and before we know it a few years have gone by.

Suggest you put a reminder in your diary for alone time to “catch up with NG”. Maybe once a month take yourself off out somewhere where you are just by yourself. Need only be a short drive away and a walk for a few hours. It’ll give you time to reflect and catch up with yourself.

Bob


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

She is showing sincere respect, love and remorse. 

That is the recipe for a great reconciliation. I agree with Amp - if you continue to do what works and avoid returning to old habits - you have a really good shot here.

Good luck 



nice777guy said:


> My wife and I have been slowly getting closer again. As of today, we are planning for her to move back home in November.
> 
> I have not done the textbook approach that is championed by Marriagebuilders. I have not always followed Affaircare’s (very good) advice. I never really did Plan A & B.
> 
> ...


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

What a great sign..... its good to hear the positive and hope stories.... it encourages all of us. I wish you all the very best in all this!


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I am so happy for you NG! Finally something nice to read about on this forum. Keep us posted how things go.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Curious if the kids have noticed or mentioned anything different in your interactions?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Deejo said:


> Curious if the kids have noticed or mentioned anything different in your interactions?


My oldest daughter (11) said something over the weekend about how Mom and I haven't been arguing lately, but she and my wife are having their own issues at the moment. 

My belief is that my oldest D is having some abondonment issues/feelings that she doesn't know how to deal with, so it just comes out as a lot of anger at her mother - who doesn't always handle it real well (in my opinion).

The two of them have an appointment to see a counselor in early November. I see this as progress on my wife's part. I've been told by several people that Fathers shouldn't inject themselves into Mother / Daughter conflicts - and that the arguments they have are fairly "common." Not sure if that's true or not.

Oldest D had said before that she didn't want Mom to move back home, while the youngest (8) is very quick to remind us that the separation was supposed to have ended at the end of June and that she wants Mommy to move home now.

I think we've done a reasonable job of shielding them from the tension while we were separated. But of course it's still taken a toll on all of us.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Last night my wife printed off last month's AT&T bill with details so we could go through it together.

This is something I had said I wanted to do last week in therapy, but hadn't been pushing.

It wasn't "perfect" - she answered a couple of calls - but simply the fact that she shared it with me when I wasn't pushing for it was a very positive thing.

It still goes through my head that there could be a second phone - or that her iPhone has unlimited ways to hide communications. Hate having that kind of doubt.

Last Saturday my MIL was taking our girls to some fashion show at the mall. This is the type of thing my wife would have normally viewed as a chance to get a "break" from the kids - even though she's not really with them that much. But this time she actually invited herself to go along with them. This is the type of thing that really makes me feel like things are starting to get better.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Slip ups and infractions are probably likely. I think you have a pretty good idea of which ones can be acknowledged with a supportive smile and encouragement, and which ones should be dealt with swiftly and with extreme prejudice.

There is a distinct difference between someone genuinely trying and backsliding, and the person who is using deception and misdirection.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Great to hear!


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