# Percentage of masterbating women...



## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Alot of you know my struggles so I wont bother repeating the same old stuff again..
But was thinkin today..why is it that my wife wont show sexual affection towards me..
Or why is it that she almost never initiates any sexual conduct..
Then i remembered her telling me that she has never masterbated in her
life..i couldnt believe it when she first told me that..but after bein married now for
about 4 years i dont doubt for a second that she has in fact Not..ever. Masterbated...ir even been
tempted to do so..or had the urgency for it..my wife enjoys sex..just the basic stuff..but there is almost
no creativity or interest to initiate or change things up from her..

So..i went to do a search.."what percentage of women have never masterbated?"
Found some studies online that was done over a year on nearly 3000 men and women..about 
55 percentage of men masterbated at least once per week compared to 38 percentage if women..
When it came to percentage of people who had NEVER done the self pleasurement
deed..about 90 percent of men had done it ib their life at least once..compared to
61 percent of women..
So now I know..my woman is definitely in the minority..she was not rased in
a over conservative home..went out alot with her friends most of who lost their
virginity long before they got married...
Then I read something someone wrote..apperantly some people
our born with no desire to have sex...no urges..thats just their 
biological makeup..
I am seriously starting to think that my wife could be an asexual being that
requires zero sex to feel happy..she is healthy..happy and very cheerful most
of the time..extremely nice..sweet...she can orgasm during oral sex..but has
a severe phobia of having my sperm touch her body..or me going down on
her if she hasnt cleaned in the last 5 minutes..
I am no longer accusing my wife of not loving me..or not caring
about giving physical affection..she just may a person who has never had
an urge to have sex..with me..anyone..or herself...

Im wondering how many women here have never masterbated..or do it very rarely..
Just another step in trying to understand my wife..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi marriedguy ~
You know, your wife comes across to me as just someone who has not been sexually "awakened" yet. Some people are definitely later bloomers than others, and I guess maybe some don't bloom at all.

I am a bit like your wife. I've been married 23 years and am committed to my husband and I don't turn him down. We have what most would consider a very good sex life together. I rarely have to masturbate by myself because we have sex too often for me to have any "down" time! He still does masturbate because he has a much higher natural drive than I do. 

I would suggest that you start doing some thinking about how you can become your wife's sexual 'leader'. My H has been this for me - he has been the one to slowly and surely introduce me to new things and keep everything moving forward. Learn to treasure and enjoy your wife, learn to anticipate planning out this journey with her.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

I'm with Enchantment on your wife maybe not being completely sexually awakened yet. Which is really not so unusual at all. I too was taken aback when I first started visiting Women's forums/messageboards and discovered just how many women are not sexually aware of their own bodies....and didn't masterbate.

In regard to your wife not wanting your sperm touching her body, and her being so very aware of cleanliness before you going down on her - that kind of sounds like she has somehow maybe picked up the notion that our juicy-bits are "dirty". This also is not that uncommon - your wife may have been brought up in a more liberal thinking household but she still may have not been taught about what's normal sexually.

Your wife may be happy as she is but then, it's easy to be happy when we don't know what we are missing. 

Enchantment's idea about you becoming your wife's guide sounds like a brilliant idea - be gentle with her and take it slowly.

Good luck!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Everyone lies. About everything. Dr. House is dead on with this. 

Anyway, who cares. I don't care how often your wife pleasures herself. I care about how often mine does not. For every messed up relationship, MY life is a statistical outlier. Or it's not, in which case that's even MORE depressing. 

At best you can make a case for saying that if she's comfortable exploring her own Georgia O'Keefe, she's probably more ready, willing and able to examine your wiring too. Unless she's essentially gay.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

MarriedGuy, my wife was like yours. Never masturbated, never had a sexual fantasy... The only toys we had were the ones I bought, and they stayed in the drawer till I took them out to play with her. Like your wife, she would orgasm easily by oral or intercourse, but she would rarely seek it out. I do believe that her lack of interest in sex as she developed should have been a warning sign to me, in hindsight.

I should call her my stbx-wife, btw... My current partner is such a complete reversal that they might as well be considered different species. She did start sexually exploring even earlier than I did, and her sex drive remains at least as high as mine. Plus she has a very active sexual imagination and fantasy to-do list. She knows what she likes, we talk very easily and openly about what floats our boats... I don't know if she's like this because she explored sexually at an early age or vice versa, but before I chose a long term partner, I'll be asking a lot more questions than I considered when choosing my wife! 

EDIT: oh, and before we met, my current partner and I were both once a day masturbators... Now, I don't think either of us has been self-serve in over a month, unless it happened mutually or as part of a playtime.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

PBear said:


> MarriedGuy, my wife was like yours. Never masturbated, never had a sexual fantasy... The only toys we had were the ones I bought, and they stayed in the drawer till I took them out to play with her. Like your wife, she would orgasm easily by oral or intercourse, but she would rarely seek it out. I do believe that her lack of interest in sex as she developed should have been a warning sign to me, in hindsight.
> 
> I should call her my stbx-wife, btw... My current partner is such a complete reversal that they might as well be considered different species. She did start sexually exploring even earlier than I did, and her sex drive remains at least as high as mine. Plus she has a very active sexual imagination and fantasy to-do list. She knows what she likes, we talk very easily and openly about what floats our boats... I don't know if she's like this because she explored sexually at an early age or vice versa, but before I chose a long term partner, I'll be asking a lot more questions than I considered when choosing my wife!
> 
> ...


I think it's important to note that marriedguy and his wife are fairly young marrieds who were each other's first partners, correct? In this case, it's unlikely each would have an idea of what to expect sexually. That is why I think you have to look at your married life as a journey.

PBear, I don't know your particular story, but thinking back over your marriage, do you think there were different roads you could have travelled with your wife that may have made a difference?

In otherwords, don't expect that you will find someone day one to fulfill all of your wants, needs, and desires - even if you know what some of those are. It is about the journey and growing together.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> I think it's important to note that marriedguy and his wife are fairly young marrieds who were each other's first partners, correct? In this case, it's unlikely each would have an idea of what to expect sexually. That is why I think you have to look at your married life as a journey.
> 
> PBear, I don't know your particular story, but thinking back over your marriage, do you think there were different roads you could have travelled with your wife that may have made a difference?
> 
> In otherwords, don't expect that you will find someone day one to fulfill all of your wants, needs, and desires - even if you know what some of those are. It is about the journey and growing together.


Oh, I'm sure there's things I could have done differently. I'd start be not marrying the first person I slept with. And I'm serious about that, not trying to be hurtful to my wife or anything. But having some sexual experience and confidence going into the relationship would have been a big plus.

Other than that, I really don't know what I should have done differently. At some point, people have to take responsibility for their own sexuality. If they won't, it will be very difficult for a spouse, especially for sn inexperienced spouse, to draw them out. As you said, don't expect to find someone who's perfect for you. But you will hopefully be able to find someone who can at least attempt to make that journey with you, rather than remain firmly entrenched in their current situation.

My story, btw... Wife was my first sexual partner, I was her second. I was 23 when we met, she was 20. Married 2 years later, together till this last Feb (17 years). The intimacy was a definite contributor to the breakdown, but more importantly was her refusal to make a reasonable effort at ANY issues, including things that she saw as issues but I was fine with (i.e. her weight). She wouldn't make changes on her own, she wouldn't seek help for them, she wouldn't let me help.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

PBear..are you a carve and copy of me in a different dimension?? Almost everything
you wrote about your first marriage is what me and my wife are..
Seriously..we were both in our early 20s..now its just about been four years...
We are still sweet to each other but I have learned sweet aint such a good thing..
By being sweet to each other all the time your hiding all tge small problems
that are building up...
My wife is also struggling with her weight..shes been on several diets..but can never
seem to commit to diets or working out.
I love working out...I get depressed if I dont..just the way I am..and it depresses
me to see my wife being sad about her weight and not really doing
anything about it..I think lack of exercise is a huge factor in my wifes insecuritys..and because
shes insecure its affecting our intimacy..
I also feel she hasnt really tried anything to spice up our sex life..like I said..her
almost never initiating makes it seem like I am the only one who needs sex..It would be
nice to see her hormones go to work every once in a while..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Anyways Im just beating a dead horse here..Ive told my situation a billion times
on here already..was just wondering if its normal at all for women 
to have a sexual awakening when theyre close to reaching the 30s..even if they
had never masterbated in their life..and been insecure about sex in general..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

marriedguy said:


> Anyways *Im just beating a dead horse* here..Ive told my situation a billion times
> on here already..was just wondering if its normal at all for women
> to have a sexual awakening when theyre close to reaching the 30s..even if they
> had never masterbated in their life..and been insecure about sex in general..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Freudian slip?

Anyway, look into this for some help: Married Man Sex Life

It couldn't hurt.

You need to shake things up. Otherwise you run the risk of someone else doing it down the road. Just sayin.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

marriedguy said:


> Anyways Im just beating a dead horse here..Ive told my situation a billion times
> on here already..was just wondering if its normal at all for women
> to have a sexual awakening when theyre close to reaching the 30s..even if they
> had never masterbated in their life..and been insecure about sex in general..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Okay. I will be blunt - TAKE THE LEAD.

Quit whining about what your wife will or won't do. Take ownership of the sexual relationship that you would like to have with your wife, and figure out ways to make that happen.

Look, 23 years ago, I WAS your wife. I was young and naive. I ended up being married to a guy who is what people would refer to as a total horn-ball. He took the leadership role in learning how to be the best lover for me that he could, he was patient and persistent in working on opening up the shell that encased certain parts of me. 23 years later and we are closer than I would have ever thought possible. It wasn't always easy, but it can be done. You can do it, but you have to take ownership of it.

Let me ask you this - do you think that you really satisfy your wife? Both in and out of the bedroom? Are you sure? Are you willing to push the envelope a bit to truly find out?

Marriage takes hard work, but the effort you put in is greatly rewarded.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

hey marriedguy ~

I went back and read through your old posts. Throughout them, there is a patent sense of frustration and impatience with your wife.  She likely feels this same vibe from you. If you want a sure-fire way to make your wife shut down on you and develop an aversion to having sex and experimenting with you, then frustration and impatience will do that. You need to be a calm, cool, and collected leader, not a frustrated and impatient one.  Because thing is, if you end up with somebody else in the future and haven't worked on curbing those tendencies, it won't matter how sexual that partner is, either. You'll end up in the same place, as eventually the next partner will also become unattracted to an impatient, frustrated man.

So, my suggestion would be to work on yourself. The Men's Clubhouse has the Man Up/Nice Guy sticky - it has some good information on ways that you can look at becoming a better man. There's also MEM's Thermostat/Barometer thread that you should read. Try and see if you can curb some of those frustrations that you have with your wife, and instead channel them in a more positive way. You might find a more responsive wife by doing so. 

God Bless!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Marriedguy I remember your thread and you got some really good suggestions. Have you tried any of the suggestions with your wife? Enchantment is right on target and I believe your previous some post in your previous thread made the same analysis and suggestions. What did you think did you try and what happened. . 

If you are looking for a magic fix , there really is none. There is an easy fix, you have to change the way you think about sex with your wife. You blame the problems on her and expect her to change to suit you. 

However, the problems you are having is not because she is broken. She is good but shy and inhibited married to a man whose idea of getting her to come out of her shell is to be impatient, and frustrated.

I don't think it is likely that your wife will do anything you want in response to attitude. All you get is resistance because you are dealing with an autonomous person. She really does not have to initiate or do anything differently. She may feel she is being intimate with a man who does not appreciate her. You have to be careful, she may be resentful of your attitude 

Why not change and be the type of man that she will gladly take a chance to come out of her shell . A fun, welcoming, light hearted, relaxed attitude is more effective than a heavy, angry, impatient one. In my opinion, intimacy is should be mutually enjoyable and loving don't you think. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Catherine I think ur right..Enchantment thanks for.the advice..

yeah I guess my wife is an Autominous person..so I gotta make EVERYTHING
happen as far as intimacy goea right?
Its what Ive been trying to do..at the very beginning I was very patient..kind..
Then I got a taste of sex and Ive been pushing for more extreme versions
of it since..
The past 14 days we have not had sex..I gave her Oral yesterday..she later
wanted to gave me a handjob..I lost my patience..so instead I didnt want
anything..
Thats my problem..I have a very hard time being patient..kind..loving when
I know that there aint to light at the end of the tunnel..
Im questioning if this relationship is worth it..I feel she has too much
patience..and insecurity issues about her weight..its ripping us apart..

I really want it to work..but it seems like theres no reward ever for being
Patient..she only thinks then thatt i am happy..when I really am not..just
pretending to me cuz I dont want to appear frustrated and grumpy all
the time..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

All I'll say is that having a partner who is actually interested in sex, who embraces her sexuality and isn't afraid of it, and who actually seems to give a damn about my pleasure as well as hers is an incredible experience. I mean, come on now. If the only change you see in 17 years of being married is a constant degradation in your sex life, how much more coaxing and enticing is the other partner supposed to do? At some point, your choices are to throw in the towel on making changes or leave. Acknowledging that as a couple, you're just not compatible.

I'm not saying that after 4 years it's time to throw in the towel, by any means. But if I knew then what I know now... I've reached an age where there's no guarantees how much more of a sex life my partner and I have. But you can be darn sure that sexual compatibility will rank way up there on the selection criteria when it comes to a committed relationship. Life's too short to spend the rest of it trying to coax a mouse out of a mouse hole.

C
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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Pbear, thats exactly how I think of it..although I have religous views that dont agree with that..
I truly want what is best for my wife..I feel like Im expecting too much from her..feels like we are not compatable at all...Ive tried for four years..I have been patient(and impatient)..talked to her about it..but the bottom line is its not her fault..shes an amazing..beautiful woman..love her in alot of ways..she shouldnt have to change cuz of me..
but I get so damn frustrated about our sexual differences..Im almost at the point where I need to say that Im sorry to say...but I think shes meant for somebody else..

To say that this is a Journey that we make together..I dunno about that..if only one wants to go exploring on the journey and the other refuses to leave the train tracks..what kind of journey is that? 

Yeah Im getting sick of rambling about this situation..sick of all my whining..I gotta decision to make..


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## chingchang (Sep 21, 2010)

PBear said:


> All I'll say is that having a partner who is actually interested in sex, who embraces her sexuality and isn't afraid of it, and who actually seems to give a damn about my pleasure as well as hers is an incredible experience. I mean, come on now. If the only change you see in 17 years of being married is a constant degradation in your sex life, how much more coaxing and enticing is the other partner supposed to do? At some point, your choices are to throw in the towel on making changes or leave. Acknowledging that as a couple, you're just not compatible.
> 
> I'm not saying that after 4 years it's time to throw in the towel, by any means. But if I knew then what I know now... I've reached an age where there's no guarantees how much more of a sex life my partner and I have. But you can be darn sure that sexual compatibility will rank way up there on the selection criteria when it comes to a committed relationship. Life's too short to spend the rest of it trying to coax a mouse out of a mouse hole.
> 
> ...


Hugs Brother!

I know EXACTLY...and I mean EXACTLY how you feel. You are not alone. I've been married only 12 years....I'm only 37...and I'm a stud ready for a nympho studess. My wife is coming around though...I've been pleasantly surprised over the past month...I think years of effort...prayer...hoping...wishing...etc.. is finally paying-off. I see my wife turning a corner and returning to her high-drive ways prior to getting married. I'm hopeful this is the beginning of a long run...in the opposite direction. Not to rub it in...

Anywho...when to throw in the towel...that is the question. So far...I'm glad I haven't. But...I have two children (7, 9) who I have a tight relationship with...and they have kept me married. If you don't have children...and nothing has changed...I'd say time for a change in life brother!

Hugs,
CC


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## chingchang (Sep 21, 2010)

marriedguy said:


> Pbear, thats exactly how I think of it..although I have religous views that dont agree with that..
> I truly want what is best for my wife..I feel like Im expecting too much from her..feels like we are not compatable at all...Ive tried for four years..I have been patient(and impatient)..talked to her about it..but the bottom line is its not her fault..shes an amazing..beautiful woman..love her in alot of ways..she shouldnt have to change cuz of me..
> but I get so damn frustrated about our sexual differences..Im almost at the point where I need to say that Im sorry to say...but I think shes meant for somebody else..
> 
> ...


I feel for ya brother! I think young people would be better served in marriage if sexual issues were worked-out prior to entering the marriage covenant...and were part of the vows. I'm serious. If two people can't come to agreement on how they envision their married-sex life prior to marriage...then they shouldn't get married. I blame the Church for doing a bad job with human sexuality. 

We don't need to be paired with our carbon-copy...we actually benefit and compliment one another when we bring different personalities and skill-sets to a relationship. However...two people can be opposite...or very different from one another and have a successful relationship as long as they are on the same page sexually. Sex is the great equalizer. So...if these types of issues are hashed-out prior to marriage there is a much greater chance of like-minded (sexually) people being paired together. The problem later-on though is that people change with time. Some people with low drives may become high drive. What then??? I think I'm beginning to understand the Spanish/French/Italian cultural phenomena...

CC


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

PBear said:


> All I'll say is that having a partner who is actually interested in sex, who embraces her sexuality and isn't afraid of it, and who actually seems to give a damn about my pleasure as well as hers is an incredible experience. I mean, come on now. If the only change you see in 17 years of being married is a constant degradation in your sex life, how much more coaxing and enticing is the other partner supposed to do? At some point, your choices are to throw in the towel on making changes or leave. Acknowledging that as a couple, you're just not compatible.
> 
> I'm not saying that after 4 years it's time to throw in the towel, by any means. But if I knew then what I know now... I've reached an age where there's no guarantees how much more of a sex life my partner and I have. But you can be darn sure that sexual compatibility will rank way up there on the selection criteria when it comes to a committed relationship. Life's too short to spend the rest of it trying to coax a mouse out of a mouse hole.
> 
> ...


My point in all of these posts is that it's a two-way street. Really, honestly, I believe that your partner will only be able to be as sexual and intimate with you as you make them feel.

If you had a relationship with your spouse where you were constantly frustrated, impatient, pushing for more, pleading, whatever, the spouse is not going to be attracted to that, and likely isn't going to be able to develop in a normal, sexual way. They may end up becoming stunted in their sexuality because they feel like they are never good enough. Instead of always looking at the other person and saying - "hey, it's your fault - you can't get over your weight - you can't be uninhibited when that's what I really want" - look at YOURSELF. As a spouse or partner, over time you contribute greatly to that situation and there are many ways that YOU can take positive steps forward. Marriage is a journey, but if you are only able to move forward during good times, or if the other person cooperates properly according to you, or if you expect things to be quick and easy, then you won't move very far forward.

(Sorry, PBear - I didn't mean my post to be directed at you personally by using your post in my response. I meant my response to be in a more general sense. Thanks for providing the fodder for my rant, though.  )


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Enchantment, no offense taken! . You obviously weren't there in our house to know what our relationship was like.

I can honestly say that I never whined about our sex life or lack there-of. Nor did I beg, plead, or otherwise debase myself in an attempt for more sex. If anything, I went the other way. Eventually, I stopped trying to initiate due to getting rejected, and allowed the resentment to simply build. I also didn't voice my frustration at her unhappiness with no attempts at fixing her issues. I DID try to support the efforts she did make, and I did try to encourage her with suggestions and setting positive examples. Although, to be honest, the positive example thing backfired when I lost 55 pounds, and started fitting into a suit from my college years...

I don't know... If anything I'd be guilty of lack of communication and holding my feelings in, rather than wrecking her self esteem as you describe. But I can definitely see your point. There was another poster in here over the winter that was constantly pushing his wife with his lack of satisfaction. And I never agreed with his mentality or approaches. 

C
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## married woman (May 4, 2011)

So....married guy, I would like you to stop and consider if the folowing could be the case. You married young...she is inexperienced. Is there any possibility that she is insecure about her inexperience and how to please you? I am only suggesting this because it was somewhat like this with me and my husband. He thought I had been with more people than I had by assumption on his part (I am very social and always had either a boyfriend or a guy friend around). The truth is he was the 2nd person I had been with sexually and wasn't very confident about hand jobs and oral sex. This led to me waiting for him to initiate and us typically having sex the same boring way each time. Things are different now as we have both opened up a lot about our pasts and our wants but we missed out on a lot. If you think this could be your situation then I would be happy to give you some advice on how to approach it in a natural way. I agree with other posters in that I think your wife may not be sexually awakened yet.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Married I am not sure I understand what made you refuse the hand job and why you were angry and why did you walk away? What you did was so counterproductive I don't know what to say. 

Don't get angry but, you could have done differently. You seem to have had a tantrum after she did not read your mind?? What did you want and why not introduce it in a playful relaxed way? I think you have a lot to work on with your wife.

First think if you should apologize for walking away from her. I think you are confusing sex with intimacy, i would be very hurt if my husband walked away from me during sex. I would feel unloved and that what I do is never going to be enough for him. I would be very reluctant to extend myself again.

I think Enchanent states the scope of your problem beautifully. The trend of some of the male posters seems to be concerned about "getting" sex from a woman. Every man wants a woman who enjoys her sexuality and who cares about his pleasure. 

But if he is overly concerned about the sex acts she will do for him she is likely to lose interest. My women friends have problems with husbands who rush to their goodies too soon, grope, say crude things, short them on foreplay and they don't listen when they try to tell want they need. 

To me, walking away petulantly is kind of childish and not conducive to sexual attraction. At such a sensitive, intimate and emotionally connected encounter I cannot understand what happened. A person who is not emotionally engaged can easily walk if they don't get the sex act they want. I think the basic problem is that you are not thinking in terms of intimacy but sex - what you get. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_
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## married woman (May 4, 2011)

I agree with Catherine602 but also think she offered a handjob instead of oral sex because she felt more confident on her ability to satisy you with a handjob then a blowjob.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

One last thing, marriedguy - you've had a lot of comment from the female point of view on how your wife may be feeling. It would help to get some comment and perspective from a man who has been in a similar situation as you. I think there are a couple of men on the forum who are in long-term marriages and maybe started out like you - I think MEM and maybe BigBadWolf. If they don't respond on your thread, you might want to PM them.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Thanks for the replies..makes me want to make this thing work..

Catherine..Why did I walk away?
I realize what I did was childish...normally I enjoy a handjob..sometimes even prefer it...
I was just frustrated to the point where I wasnt interested in my wife (that rarely happens)..my mind was already travelling in all kinds of sexual fanstasies(that she has told me she doesnt want to do with me)...I have a hard time controlling how I feel if my wife doesnt ever get creative sexually..and shows me no affection for a few weeks at a time...me and her have been through this routine so many times..I have for months at a time gone without any complaining..just accepted it..accepted the same boring sexual routines..but after a few months of this I get frustrated that this is everything its going to be...why wouldnt she ever want to take it to the next level? Almost anything new I suggest is either too gross..too weird..too kinky for her (honestly..from reading here and other sites they are not that weird)..
I dont want to settle for just plain old missionary position sex...for me sex is a playground..a sandbox, where the sky is the limit..my wife doesnt see it that way..thats what frustrates me...so when my testosterone levels are sky high..and a simple, boring handjob is all I get..I get a little pissed...
But yeah I realize I screwed up..everytime I get frustrated about sex and my wife sees my frustration I set us back..that in itself frustrates me even more..I really am working on my patience..Im actually counting the days to see how long I can go before I loose my patience again..
No me and my wife never had any sexual partners before each other..she had a few mildly intimate boyfriends..I was 100 percent virgin..never even kissed a girl till I met my wife...fell over backwards for her..was extremely dissapointed that I had to teach her how to give a blowjob..more disappointed that she had no interest to give me one until she said **** it..
Ive always been way to pushy..persistent..its like in everything I do..in somethings its a good thing..but in others (like a marriage) its a horrible way to be..and Im working on fixing that...any advice is much appreciated..


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

marriedguy said:


> Thanks for the replies..makes me want to make this thing work..
> 
> Catherine..Why did I walk away?
> I realize what I did was childish...normally I enjoy a handjob..sometimes even prefer it...
> ...


I know they say that patience is a virtue, but it can be doggone hard! I am not impatient with my husband (he is the one who has had to be patient with me). But I can be very impatient at times with my boys (not good and I have to work at it a lot) and I can be impatient with nincompoops at work (can feel really good - I'm bad, I know).  Impatience uncurbed can quickly turn into anger.

The good thing? Patience is really a skill that can be learned. There are lots of good resources - just go cruising around the internet for good articles and books and do some reading and let it start sinking it. Here's a decent one to start with, as it contains how I try and handle my impatience:

Relationship Help: Why Patience is a Marital Virtue | StrengthenYourRelationship.com

For myself, I have to often take a deep breath, count to ten, walk away, cool down, address later when in better frame of mind. Rinse. Repeat. Rinse. Repeat. Then I begin to see small movements of progress forward and it's like somebody just gave me the golden ticket.


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## Bobo (Jun 2, 2011)

My wife has stated she has never masturbated. She is 37 and probably never will. Some women are just not into it. Some women are never sexually awakened.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I think you are making progress realizing your piece in the puzzle. While my sex life is good my wife and I do differ. I, like you, want the 5 course meal type of sex.....candle lit, freshly showered, drink by the bedside, foreplay, oral, positions, toys the whole gambit. My problem is I always want that.......for her once of twice a month like that is good.......so in a much lesser sense I hear you. My only advice is keep the lines of communication oopen and keep making her feel loved and comfortable. Obviously no more patience losing episodes......best of luck!!!! As far as masturbation only when we are together mutual masturbation watching each other type of stuff........never alone.......
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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

"no more Patience losing episodes"
will be a challenge..the times that I am most impatient is the day after we've
had good sex..Im like a kid in a candy store..if I get just a taste of it I want it all..
If I get nothing then I try not to think about it..then when.something finally does
happen I become obssesive about it..
Right now Im in the recovering stage from good sex...two nights
ago we had sex..I didnt ask questions..just went for almost every
position I was craving..we both had a good time..yesterday we were close all evening..
Then in bed all she wanted was to cuddle..me..being all jacked up from
the night before..began feeling impatient..but instead of showing it..I
got up..took care of myself..had a couple shots of whiskey..and lay down beside
her..holding..cuddling..and we had a great sleep...the whiskey didnt bother her..

Sure I craves a blowjob from my wife and I know I wouldve gotten one had I
asked for it..havent gotten one in close to a month..but whatever..its only
enjoyable for me if she Wants to do it..she knows what I like..thats no
mystery for her..but I want her to want to do it to me because she wants
to do it...I figure if I dont put any pressure on her doing it..and I remain loving
to her..then she wont be thinking anymore that its a duty to make me happy..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

marriedguy said:


> "no more Patience losing episodes"
> will be a challenge..the times that I am most impatient is the day after we've
> had good sex..Im like a kid in a candy store..if I get just a taste of it I want it all..
> If I get nothing then I try not to think about it..then when.something finally does
> ...


I think that's pretty spot on.......good luck finding that balance ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Boy do you sound selfish it must be very difficult for your wife to deal with you. I think it would help to try anger control either through a therapists or a good workbook. What you are feeling anger because you are not getting your way. You want her to bend to your will, act out your fantasies, act like she is excited about you sexually even when it is all about you. She is your wife and she will not do everything you want for your pleasure. Why should she. 

. If she is inexperienced how do you expect her to know how to give a bj? Why do you resent having to teach her what to do? Why did you resent giving her the nonsexual affection that she needs How do you expect her to meet your needs when you resent meeting hers. Truly, you sound like a boy with a new toy that gives you pleasure and you are trying to manipulate it to work to give you maximum pleasure however, that toy is a person with feelings and needs just like you. I think your testosterone is clouding your view of your wife. From your post you seem not to view her as a person just some thing that annoys you by daring to have needs and opinions.

Does your view of sex and women comes from porn? If so, forget what saw, porn sex is all about the women servicing the man and being happy to do it with no expectation of reciprocation. No women including your wife will service you and why should they. A better place to get information is relationship and female sexuality books. I think you really need them . Are you interested in any relationship books? Her needs His needs and the 5 love languages are good ones.
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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi marriedguy ~

Yah - I agree with Catherine. It appears that you are selfishly ignoring/getting upset with some of your wife's legitimate needs for non-sexual affection. She may be craving and needing that as much as you are craving the sex.

The books Catherine recommended are good. I would also recommend that you start to educate yourself about female sexuality and female sexual response. There's a lot of information out there (check out research done by Rosemary Basson).

The reality seems to indicate that sex drive for a woman is not simply an internal force such as hunger or thirst. Sex drive for a woman seems to be something that is not automatic but something that needs to be nurtured, enjoyed and built upon. Often, it is a reflection of what is going on in a woman's life. If you are not able to help nurture this in your wife, she may not be able to respond to you in the manner that you would desire.

Also check out this link that describes how a woman's desire/arousal differs from a man's. Start to understand and learn how your wife is different than you so that you can begin to see where she may be coming from. Clinical Fact Sheets: Female Sexual Response

Educate yourself, cultivate patience, nurture your wife.


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## earthsmart (Sep 30, 2014)

Married guy....I'm a bit late here, but any updates on your status? I've been married for 10 years and what you and "C" wrote is exactly what i've experienced as well. I know my frustration and impatience doesn't help and probably drives her further away, but I don't really know what to do otherwise? I guess I'm not really good at strategy and having faith in giving up all control in an issue that holds the upmost priority in my life; it's certainly tough. She's never masterbated, has been raped once in college, has been in a bad controlling relationship right after college (foreceful oral experiences and unloving), then she met me who was never really with anyone physically before. After the first few years, the frequency slowed, the few times of oral stopped (which I'm fine with knowing her history), she never initiates, and has a quick "NO" for anything else I suggest....ANYTHING! One position for 10 years, she gets uncomfortable with most signs of affection and starts to feel overwhelmed if a give her a few hugs and kisses in a day. Just like "C" said, I just wish I knew enough about myself to consider what was important before I got married. In hindsight, I see it, but I'm not the type to duck out and leave my wife and 3 kids behind, but my life still sucks as I think I'm more alone mentally than if I was single with only me to blame. The number of relationship variables matched with the different personality variables are almost too much to think about. If me just giving up on my needs/feelings is what's needed to help her, that's certainly a tough pill to swallow, have no idea how I can handle the sadness in that scenario. And having a spouse who says whatever I'm dealing with is my problem and I should just deal with it and get in a better mood doesn't help me at all. Ideas, or is just going to be that tough?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Earth welcome to TAM. - can you start a thread with your situation. This thread is so old I don't think you will get the variety and number of responses you would get from your own thread.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Catherine602 said:


> Earth welcome to TAM. - can you start a thread with your situation. This thread is so old I don't think you will get the variety and number of responses you would get from your own thread.


Ah, I don't know, sometimes these old threads are good sources of information that may have passed by many 

I can actually add to it, for Earth's sake.

My wife is very similar to OP's - never masturbated, still doesn't. There was a period of a few months where she experimented (bought a vibrator at one of those parties a friend had), but that was it. Now it only comes out occasionally when we're both in the room. Other than that, no masturbation, never masturbated, has no fantasies, etc. But our sex life is healthy (now).

She never initiates, and never really did. At the beginning of our relationship, she would, but it was never... sexy, if that makes sense. More of a "let's have sex" type thing. No sexy looks, or rubbing me, kissing me, etc. Not a natural initiation.

Through TAM, I learned that this is not uncommon, and once I got over my own ego (which is the biggest part of this), we now have a healthy sex life. Her failure to initiate "properly" has nothing to do with me. When we do have sex (which is now 4-5 times a month, from 2-4 times previously) it is good, and usually great.

Unlike OP, my wife does not do the one position, nor is she shy of bodily fluids or has to be squeaky clean. No issues there. What I have learned is that some people are just less sexual than others. My wife is less sexual than, I would say, most, in terms of desire and initiation. But she is highly sexual during the act. Some women are neither.

In a nutshell, my wife, like a few others, just does not think about, need, nor desire sex. She has said that she could live the rest of her life without it, and I don't doubt that. Luckily, she does enjoy it, and she's not shy during it, and it's the best sex I've ever had in my life. It's just learning to pick my times to initiate, and also leaving my ego at the door when I choose wrong.

What this all is really about is just that - our ego. When our partners don't have the same drive as us, we take it personally when we're rejected. It's usually very rare that it IS a personal thing. Once we get past the fact that our wives (or husbands) just don't view sex the way we do, or WANT them to, things become much easier and more natural.

*edited to add:

The biggest mistake most of us make is in trying to label our partners - asexual, hangups, it must be because she had a bad experience in college, etc. The fact is, it is more often than not just the way they are wired. Attaching some sort of label or reasoning behind it is for our own sake, and serves no purpose other than to make the other person feel broken, or that something's wrong. Sometimes it can be the case, and the solution, but it's not in anybody's best interests to jump to that right away, if ever.


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