# Added Weight = Less Physical Attraction (warning: long post)



## golfalpha (Sep 10, 2013)

I'm gonna start this thread just like I'm sure MANY POST here probably began in saying that I love my spouse. We met almost a decade ago to date and have been through so much together. If one asked me why I love her I would say because of the agape love she has shown me over the years. She loved me when I didn't love anything about myself and that is why we're together today.

When we got married, she was a plus size woman (not overweight/obese) but carried her weight very well. Before getting married she actually wanted to loose weight so that she could look back on a more "better looking her", as she would say. Well that never happened, but hey that is life and we get busy doing other things at times, totally understand. However that was years ago and since then, she has gained significant weight. 

Since our dating years to today, I've always been encouraging about going to the gym, working out, and doing activities that would involve the both of us attempting to look and feel our best but to no avail that hasn't worked. She always speaks about being smaller and getting to a size where she would be happy but that hasn't happened. Her mother is a bigger woman so it could be in her dna.

By way of the "bedroom", our love life has been relatively good but I am getting to a place where I now wish she was smaller but it hasn't happened. As a result, I find myself doing most of "the work" when it comes to sex. She cannot perform like I can and when she attempts to do "the work" it usually last no more than a minute until she needs a break. I've tried speaking to her about my concerns for her overall health and how her weight affects our us in the bedroom but when I do it ALWAYS gets an emotional response, ending up with her crying or feeling like I'm not happy and to a sense I am not happy because I know (and she does too) that she can be a lot healthier. 

However, after getting emotional out burst, uncontrollable crying, and the like as a response to my very careful and sensible approaches, I feel like I cannot talk to her or be real about how I am feeling. I cannot tell her that I feel like I'm loosing attraction to her because I can only imagine what the backlash would be like. 

If the roles were reversed and I were the one that was overweight, I wouldn't see my wife as being wrong for addressing the elephant in the room (no pun intended) that being my weight and how it is affecting her happiness. As longs as what she wanted from me was an agreeably realistic goal then what reason would I have to cry and pout about it? 

Anyways, my point is simply this, I so hope that my wife can loose the weight because I'd love to be physically attracted to her and right now I am not. I am tired of seeing physically attractive women all around me at the gym and just wishing that my wife would put for the effort that I know she can to be a better her. Yet every time I mention anything weight related, the sky darkens, the thunder cracks, and the rain starts pouring down and all hell breaks loose. No we don't have any kids, but I'm afraid of what that will do for her overall heath should she have any.

WHAT'S A MAN TO DO!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?


FYI:
About me, I'm a hard working individual in my late 20's. I take care of things at home more than one would think. I love cooking and seeing to my wife having all that she needs be it laundry, random task around the house, cleaning, cooking as I mentioned, amongst many other things. I love to workout and do it quite religiously and am a pretty athletic individual. So no I'm not a deadbeat, I don't sit around from sun up to sun down playing video games (don't even own a gaming system). I do not brow-beat my wife about her weight, but only try to encourage her in a loving way, yet that has gotten me no where.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

How big is her mom?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Since our dating years to today, I've always been encouraging about going to the gym, working out, and doing activities that would involve the both of us attempting to look and feel our best but to no avail that hasn't worked


This might be the key point right here. You noticed that when you were dating she wasn't as interested in these activities. It wasn't that she was and then stopped doing them, she's never been interested in them. 

Therefore, diet may be the way to make an in road into some weight loss. If you do most of the cooking, what are you guys eating?


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

This is a tough situation. With age, it's not going to get any better at this rate and if she gets pregnant; it's going to be bad afterwards. 

How does she eat? What does she eat? Is she a yo-yo dieter? How many hours of the day is she on her butt? 

It sounds like she could be lazy and depressed. Is she the type to get really into the whole losing weight thing for a couple weeks, then quit cold turkey? Because if that's it, she needs that extra push. And honestly, what she needs is a girlfriend who is ready to go on a weight loss journey. That is key. She has you, but honestly, that's not enough. 

I don't blame you for responding like this. It is normal and completely understandable. If nothing changes in her attitude, prepare for more weight to come.


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## golfalpha (Sep 10, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> How big is her mom?


I don't know how much she weighs but she too has struggled with her weight and though small in stature, she probably still falls into the "over weight" category. Either way, her mom at one time since knowing her dropped lots of weight and was in shape but when misfortune and tragedy in her family struck, she quickly gained it all back.



Starstarfish said:


> This might be the key point right here. You noticed that when you were dating she wasn't as interested in these activities. It wasn't that she was and then stopped doing them, she's never been interested in them.
> 
> Therefore, diet may be the way to make an in road into some weight loss. If you do most of the cooking, what are you guys eating?


When we were dating she was significantly smaller than she is now. She played sports in grade school so though thick, it was more of muscle mass and bone density. Now she is a lot larger and has about 40% body fat which for her age (according to a fitness specialist we both went to see) is very bad and puts her at a high risk for problems down the road.

As per cooking, we never do fried foods and when I do make dessert (which is very rare) is it almost always a fat free recipe. I ensure we stay away from lots of unhealthy carbs (high sugar foods) and try to make sure we eat the healthy and complex carbs such as brown rice, whole grain pastas and for snacks nuts high in omega 3. 

For her she has lots of emotional eating episodes. Eating too much of the wrong thing or too much splurging on things she shouldn't have. Also, not working out as hard as she should when she does attempt to even go work out.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Obesity isn't attractive to me but I am not the arbiter of attractive.


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## golfalpha (Sep 10, 2013)

wise said:


> This is a tough situation. With age, it's not going to get any better at this rate and if she gets pregnant; it's going to be bad afterwards.
> 
> How does she eat? What does she eat? Is she a yo-yo dieter? How many hours of the day is she on her butt?
> 
> ...


THAT IS WHAT I'M AFRAID OF!!!!!!! The ironic thing is that she is on her feet when she works. But I think you hit the nail on the head...she is a yo yo dieter. She'll get inspired and buy weight loss dvds, do them for about a week and then all of a suddenly quit either because she isn't no longer motivated or thinks the results should come over night. 

As a person who religiously works out and turns heads when I take my shirt off at the beach (for good reasons of course) I can her and anyone that nothing comes easy and if it does, it'll more than likely leave you just as fast if not maintained.

We have a drawer under the tv FULL OF WORKOUT dvds (and at home workout equipment) that she owns. All of which are collecting dust because she just isn't motivated or is too busy to find time to do it. So when she does get motivated to do another dvd, I simply give her a thumbs up and think to myself good luck staying motivated. She knows I think that way because she has done it many times before. Get motivated, then loose it almost as fast as she gets it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You can't fight genetics. If you were 20 years older would you be attracted to her mother?


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## golfalpha (Sep 10, 2013)

*Re: Added Weight = Less Physical Attraction? (warning: long post)*



FrenchFry said:


> 3)Stop focusing on the hotties at the gym. *I realize you feel deprived*, but put a little more effort into complimenting the physical features about your wife that you find attractive and say them often. My biggest external motivator to working out is my husband telling me how hot he thinks I am. He compliments my butt, I do squats. He thinks I look beautiful in a sleeveless dress, I work on my arms.


Well of course I feel deprived. I feel if I if I can do my best to be a healthy husband for my wife then why can't I get the same in return? The catch 22 her is that I do compliment her quite often, but I feel like that is enabling her to stay the same and think well if he is complementing me then there is no need to change.


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## golfalpha (Sep 10, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You can't fight genetics. If you were 20 years older would you be attracted to her mother?


Answer to your question...NO! I made mention to her to that effect and I swear that was the worst remarks I've ever made and wish I had never done so.

*Damned if I express my concern....damned (and deprived) if I don't express my concerns.*


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> She played sports in grade school so though thick, it was more of muscle mass and bone density.


She played sports in grade school and that helped maintain a muscular figure until the point you were dating? Something seems off about that. If she's never really been a physically active person (since that time in school) what's changed that has led to all this weight gain? You mentioned you were begging her to be physical when you were dating, so how was she maintaining that figure then? Because there's a limited number of options of what led to the weight gain if overall, her physical activity level hasn't really changed. 

The high-carb complex or otherwise with the low-fat may work for you, but might not work for her. If her mom is heavy, she may be more inclined towards metabolic syndrome. I mean, I may suggest going to see a nutritionist who can do some blood tests, she may need to eat something different.


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## golfalpha (Sep 10, 2013)

True story....

One day when coming home from work, we were about to go out for that night and she tried on a new dress that she thought would look nice on her. 

She tried it on and asked "what do you think?". I replied and said that it was a nice dress and looked great on her. She then responded by saying "yeah, but it is kind of tight so I'm gonna pass on it, but once I loose some weight that dress will be perfect.".

I responded by saying "I agree, as long as you continue to work hard at loosing weight it'll be a perfect fit." Mind you I said these words with no malice or intent to make her feel like I was hinting at anything other than what was coming out of my mouth and my tone of voice was that of a very encouraging yet optimistic husband. She then looked at me as if I called her out of her name...got teary-eyed and walked off and sobbed in the bathroom. The rest of the night needless to say was ruined.

What did I do wrong? I simply agreed with her and wham....the night was ruined. Perhaps lying would've been a better course of action.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

She's also doing damage to her heart with the yo-yo dieting. I know a lot of girls who will obsessively look at before and after pictures of real girls losing real weight and that is something that keeps them motivated. 

She will continue with this behavior until it's to late. You've tried to be all the nice you can be. I know you love her but being stern with her about it will end up saving the relationship and her life. Never mind the whole 'dont tell her shes fat' bs. You have done everything you have done and now you are becoming miserable which is not good. Plus, the more weight she puts on, the less she's going to want to have sex because of embarrassment. You need to be stern with her. She's at risk for diabetes, cancer, heart problems, high blood pressure, depression etc. and most importantly, losing you. If that isn't enough motivation, I don't know what is at the end of the day.


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## golfalpha (Sep 10, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> She played sports in grade school and that helped maintain a muscular figure until the point you were dating? Something seems off about that. If she's never really been a physically active person (since that time in school) what's changed that has led to all this weight gain? You mentioned you were begging her to be physical when you were dating, so how was she maintaining that figure then? Because there's a limited number of options of what led to the weight gain if overall, her physical activity level hasn't really changed.
> 
> The high-carb complex or otherwise with the low-fat may work for you, but might not work for her. If her mom is heavy, she may be more inclined towards metabolic syndrome. I mean, I may suggest going to see a nutritionist who can do some blood tests, she may need to eat something different.


We started dating our senior year of high school where she played sports. In college (we went to different schools) is where she gained most of her weight as she wasn't playing sports there but was very involved with school activities and programs. She was successful in college but in turn did a lot of bad eating because of a lack of time to do anything else.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Sorry, I guess that's a difference in the use of the word "grade school." I sympathize, I got pretty chunky in college myself, for much the same reason. (Also, I was pretty broke so, ramen and Taco Bell isn't really great food but its cheap food.)

What sport did she used to play?


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## golfalpha (Sep 10, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> Sorry, I guess that's a difference in the use of the word "grade school." I sympathize, I got pretty chunky in college myself, for much the same reason. (Also, I was pretty broke so, ramen and Taco Bell isn't really great food but its cheap food.)
> 
> What sport did she used to play?


Field hockey


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## Thepoet (Sep 8, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You can't fight genetics. If you were 20 years older would you be attracted to her mother?


I have to disagree. Anybody can lose weight and get healthy with discipline and hard work, sure for some people it is harder due to their genetics, but for nobody is it impossible.

Since you do the cooking, you can control the amount of calories and types of calories going in. Don't keep junkfood in the house, or it will get eaten. Maybe try and schedule a time in every day for exercise for the both of you, and bring down the iron fist. And this is key, don't allow ANY rest days. Rest days can destroy momentum faster than anything.


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## hawkeye (Oct 6, 2012)

Thepoet said:


> I have to disagree. Anybody can lose weight and get healthy with discipline and hard work, sure for some people it is harder due to their genetics, but for nobody is it impossible.
> 
> Since you do the cooking, you can control the amount of calories and types of calories going in. Don't keep junkfood in the house, or it will get eaten. Maybe try and schedule a time in every day for exercise for the both of you, and bring down the iron fist. And this is key, don't allow ANY rest days. Rest days can destroy momentum faster than anything.


Exactly. Blaming genetics is an excuse made by lazy people who don't want to get their diets in order and work out.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Golf I will tell you what my H did and maybe something will help. When we marry I was voluptuous. My H play fb and bb in high school and have stayed fit ever since. LOVES working out. Lean but muscular and need to eat to keep his weight UP. First year of marriage from cooking and eating a lot I cross line from voluptuous to overweight to plump. I do the constant complaining about my weight and yo yo diet and look at him eat and say it's not fair that I can't eat that much. 

My H tells me all the time that the extra weight does not bother him. The more he say that the more I say you just being nice and I know I look bad. Finally he have enough of my whining. He got me a personal trainer and starts dragging me to the gym. No literally. DRAGGING. Waking me at 5 am pulling the cover off me pulling my legs out the bed to the floor and grabbing my arms and pulling me up out of the bed like a kid. He watch the trainer like a hawk and made sure she cut me no slack. 

Morning After morning he did this listening to me b!tch and whine and never said a word. Eventually I start to see my body changing which motivate me to cut down on certain food. In about 18 month I have a better body than when we got married. I get a little careless with eating when we decide to have a baby but we can't conceive. Throughout all this time he still drag me I never go on my own but I don't whine as much. I look great but I never motivate myself. 

He put up with this for 7 long years. You know when I finally went to the gym alone? April of this year when I'm 3 month pregnant and he is out of town! Since being pregnant I have change my whole way of cooking and eating and exercise on my own when he not around. Ironically I look like a fat pig but I'm hoping it will pay off after I have the baby and during labor. At least I have had a trouble free pregnancy and have felt great but slowly I'm now begin to feel tired but still go to the gym. I don't do much but I plan to keep doing something. 

Throughout this 7 year my H have never said one negative thing to me about my weight only positive. He have never responded to my whining he have only said in response to me saying I don't feel like it today "That's okay we going anyway ". I can't tell you how much that have meant to me.


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## MambaZee (Aug 6, 2013)

Awww, committed, your H sounds like a great guy. He obviously cares and showed that by not _letting_ you lie around. 

Some people try to "motivate" their spouses by calling them names or being negative about the weight. I don't see how that works! IMO, it only builds resentment and then the overweight partner just eats in secret.

It's a mental thing, mainly, and some people will _never_ be motivated. I don't love exercise, but I do it because I feel better afterwards. My H doesn't love exercise, but he does it because he likes how he looks and feels now (he recently dropped 20 lbs. after a scary doctor visit, so that was his motivation). Honestly, it feels _good_ to sit my can on the couch and watch TV!  Only after I've exercised do I remember how great that feels, too. 

OP, I would say be more forceful like committed's H, but only you know your wife. Maybe she'd be receptive to that, maybe not. She has to _want_ to lose weight for herself, but if she's not mentally there, there's not much you can do.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

Do you guys have children? If not, are you planning on them?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

People lose weight when they want to. 

You cannot control her eating & working out. It is futile.

Maybe she needs a goal as an incentive. The goal could be saving her marriage & having children. This needs to be communicated to her in a way that is honest, kind & direct. If her weight is a deal breaker for you, then tell her.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Also, not everyone's Mom is a great beginning point for consideration. My mother has smoked heavily and drank most of her life, I'm also four inches taller than she is. So not only do we have completely different body shapes, but she's done things that are going to affect how she looks that I haven't. 

So this whole, are you attracted to her mom thing is kind of off.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> Also, not everyone's Mom is a great beginning point for consideration. My mother has smoked heavily and drank most of her life, I'm also four inches taller than she is. So not only do we have completely different body shapes, but she's done things that are going to affect how she looks that I haven't.
> 
> So this whole, are you attracted to her mom thing is kind of off.


I realize it's not 100%, but lets be honest, it's way more than 50%. The thing is, if this kind of thing is important to you, and you meet someone in high school, well you have no idea what they're going to look like at 40. But looking at dear old mom will give you a better indication than anything else.

My in-laws have 2 daughters. My sister in law is the spitting image of her mother. My wife is not, and frankly she takes after her dad more in certain features. So ya, I understand that some women don't take after mom. But as a rule of thumb for someone you meet at such a young age, it's pretty good.


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

A Caramel Frappuccino at Starbucks is ~400 calories. The problem is if someone is drinking these, even occasionally, they are going to gain weight - unless they are a training machine. Most people aren't.

Going to the gym 3x a week is a nice start but it won't make any real difference unless the diet is cleaned up. 

My personal recommendation is Paleo since I had good luck with this. I'd say give it a shot for a month and see how it works out.

Zone/South Beach/Mediterranean all have their good points and would be a good start as well.

Obviously if someone is also eating cinnabon's and Fraps, well it's not going to matter.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Iver said:


> Going to the gym 3x a week is a nice start but it won't make any real difference unless the diet is cleaned up.


It may not help you lose weight but if do enough cardio with weight training your body will begin to look tone and give incentive to take it up a notch by eating less. Once you see result it can be incentive to get more result.


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

I dont know. I feel that if she isnt willing to do anything about it, then what can you do? Except that if you are doing the cooking, cook only healthy low fat meals. You cant say anything about this to her anymore because she will just get depressed. Maybe try marriage counseling because of the intimacy issue.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Part of why I love the Marriage Builders program is because it treats the need to have an attractive spouse as a legitimate emotional need.

golf...Maybe you can check them out?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

This is from the MB website, a description of how Physical Attractiveness is one of the top 10 emotional needs for some people:

For many, physical attractiveness can be one of the greatest sources of love units. If you have this need, an attractive person will not only get your attention, but may distract you from whatever it was you were doing. In fact, that's what may have first drawn you to your spouse -- his or her physical attractiveness. 
There are some who consider this need to be temporary and important only in the beginning of a relationship. Some feel that after a couple get to know each other better, physical attractiveness should take a back seat to deeper and more intimate needs. And I've even heard some suggest that those with a need for physical attractiveness are immature or spiritually weak -- even subhuman! 

But I don't judge important emotional needs, and I don't think you should either. The question you should ask is, what need when met deposits the most love units? If it's physical attractiveness, it should not be ignored. For many, the need for physical attractiveness not only helps create a relationship, but it continues on throughout marriage, and love units are deposited whenever the spouse is seen -- if he or she is physically attractive. 
Learn how to be an attractive spouse 

Among the various aspects of physical attractiveness, weight generally gets the most attention. Almost all of the complaints I hear regarding a spouse's loss of physical attractiveness are about being overweight. And when diet and exercise bring the spouse back to a healthy size, physical attractiveness almost always returns. However, choice of clothing, hair style, makeup, and personal hygiene also come together to make a person attractive. Since attractiveness is usually in the eyes of the beholder, you are the ultimate judge of what is attractive to you. 

If the attractiveness of your spouse makes you feel great, and loss of that attractiveness would make you feel very frustrated, you should probably include this category on your list of important emotional needs


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Women are well aware that men place a high value on appearance. Believe me, they know when they are overweight. The problem, obviously, is that it's work to lose weight and many women have trouble sustaining the motivation. They want it to be easy. Your wife is one of those apparently. And until she finds that motivation herself nothing you say is likely to produce anything but tears. It's on her.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Is it fair to say this is a gender related problem, openminded? I mean lots of men have trouble sustaining the motivation to lose weight, too.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You are right there, Faithful Wife, but fewer women are as hung up on appearance as men are. My ex-husband was very overweight but it didn't bother me whereas if I had gained weight it definitely would have bothered him. Not true for all men or all women. But true for many.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Probably true that more men have a higher need for an attractive spouse if we counted them all up....but it is very high on my list, so I can always relate to these types of threads.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

Ok so.....she is comfortable. She is comfortable in her relationship with you. She knows you love her, and so she goes by her emotions with her eating.

I'm a classic yoyo dieter myself. Albeit I'm only 8 lbs heavier than when my H and I first met, I originally wanted to lose 20 lbs when I met him so....it never happened.

A lot of posters are right when they say it's on her. You cannot do more than what it sounds like you're doing. You cannot force her to eat or not eat certain things (ice cream when you're not looking?), and you can't force her to exercise or be active. I see nothing wrong with nicely mentioning you'd love her to go to the gym with you..or hiking...or whatever. Even if you DO get an emotional response. It's because you love her, and if you say it to her in an encouraging and loving way then you are doing your best. We already know we're overweight...every movie, tv show and magazine reminds us of that. So we know! No need to talk about how we look, just what you want to do, TOGETHER.

I read where someone else said to give her compliments. Yes, DO. Whether it's her eyes, her laugh, her legs, how she cleaned the dishes...whatever! Sometimes we don't try to lose weight because our self esteem is low, and it's just lowers our motivation even more. If we feel like our man really really loves us and compliments us...we want more...sometimes that can be motivation.

Give her a reason to lose weight. You know what makes me want to lose weight?? Having to go OUT. When I try to put on nice dresses/outfits...it's like "ugh...oh God I need to lose weight". Take her out for a drink, a coffee, take her out dancing, and encourage her to dress it up. The more she knows she has to wear something nice once every week or every other week...it might stick in her mind she needs a NEW dress. Hmmm...maybe I should eat better so I can get a size smaller? I dunno...just thoughts.

The mouth is more than 50% of the struggle with weight. Physical activity is important, but you have to control your mouth. A lot of people can go on a very healthy diet and lose 15 lbs without doing a bit of exercise. It sounds like you're cooking all the right things so maybe she's a closet eater.

Find out if there's any physical activity she's interested in doing. If she hates gym machines...what about classes (kickboxing, dancing, strength, etc), or yoga, or softball, or hiking, walking in the park, or rock climbing...anything at all. Try it, and do it with her.

If she straight up refuses to do anything though...you might be SOL. She has to change herself.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

You are saying she does a lot of emotional eating.. why???

There has to be a reason behind that.

A lot of my girlfriends like Weight Watchers, and they do groups where you share things and also workout.

I have never been overweight but I can finish (and do often) a gallon of ice cream when I'm stressed.

I think she needs to figure out why she is overeating, and also get a physical. Maybe those numbers will open her eyes? (diabetes, high blood pressure.. etc)


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