# 2 mins isn't enough...



## Whittelily (Aug 11, 2015)

I need suggestions. I just want him to last longer. He says that we need to have sex 2x in a day in order for him to last. We have 2 kids, a 2yr old and a 6 month old. This is next to impossible most days... between exhaustion, work schedules, and the boys needing our attention. I am frustrated. is there anyway to change this?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Can he have two orgasms in one encounter? That way he can finish quickly for the first one... then take more time for the second one. Or... Maybe he could masturbate earlier in the day, and then be with you for lovemaking later when he can last longer.


----------



## sscygni (Apr 13, 2016)

I thick walled condom to deaden sensations?
Masturbating earlier in the day?


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I can last a minimal 30 mins if I jerk off 5-8hrs prior. The O for me isn't that strong the second time obviously. Otherwise, it takes a lot of concentration to last 5-10 minutes if it's been a while.


----------



## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

This stuff is supposed to work well: https://www.promescent.com/


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

He is going right in for the kill (PIV) or is he taking time to focus on you in other ways first?


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Most of us men don't vary much in terms of how long we last, and we all generally fall into the same amount of time (I would guess 2-4 minutes, with the odd outlier either way). Sometimes it takes longer, sometimes it's over quick. All depends on the mindset at that time

Given that we all generally fall within the same small-ish range, the trick isn't to last longer during PIV - it's to make sex last longer over all.

Lots of foreplay, fooling around, oral sex (if one is inclined), touching, kissing, etc. Change positions a few times. That sort of thing.

I have a friend who has the same complaint about her husband - the whole thing is over in less than 2 minutes. LESS than. It's not rocket science.

If a guy gets to the point where he has to think of baseball and apple pie while he's thrusting away - he's doing it wrong. He has to know his partner, and get her close enough to the edge that when you get to the PIV part, she'll get something out of it, whether it's 2 minutes or 5.

My wife and I are so in sync now, with sex, and we know what works. It gets to the point where she's telling me to put it in. And when that happens, that means she's good to go. I can't remember the last time I finished before her (and even when I did, I'd keep going).

Long story short, men who are 2-pump-chumps (sorry) are generally inattentive lovers. Not necessarily selfish (though that can be the case, of course), just inattentive and maybe oblivious. Perhaps they've literally never known, or perhaps they no longer think.

You'd be amazed at how many people, men or women, have simply never communicated with their partners. Women generally require more time spent on them to fully warm up and enjoy sex. Many men don't actually know this. Many women don't actually TELL men this, either.

I was never told. My wife, my ex wife, any other partner I've had - nobody ever communicated this to me. I probably just figured it out by accident, then confirmed it through places like TAM. But I'm a giver by nature, and I like sex, therefore it was always natural for me to WANT to take my time, and more importantly, ensure my partner enjoyed herself, too. But not all people are givers. My wife isn't (she isn't a taker, either, FWIW).

COMMUNICATE!


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

alexm said:


> You'd be amazed at how many people, men or women, have simply never communicated with their partners. Women generally require more time spent on them to fully warm up and enjoy sex. Many men don't actually know this. Many women don't actually TELL men this, either.


Isn't that the whole pointy of porn, so us guys can figure out how the whole "sex" thing should work???

>


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

EllisRedding said:


> Isn't that the whole pointy of porn, so us guys can figure out how the whole "sex" thing should work???
> 
> >


Absolutely! Those women are CLEARLY enjoying themselves, so the dude must be doing something right!


----------



## mravg2u (Apr 27, 2016)

Believe me he knows that and my bet it is very frustrating for him too. Most men with PE or that do not last long feel inadequate. Can you enjoy more oral or fore play to get you real close before you two do the piv. That has worked for me when younger. Do you have someone to watch the kids for a night? 

When you stress it adds pressure on him adding to the anxiety and stress he feels.


----------



## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

I know the problem, too well.

(I don't think I'll last long, did I?)

We have always made up for my being quick on the draw with lots & lots of oral. Handsy stuff, toys work too.
That, and I can recharge fairly soon, so there's seldom one & done for me. I can last much longer for a second, and subsequent orgasms.

And of course, right after I do O, I'm not in the mood so much anymore, buy Mrs. Lurkster has ways of getting me past that, and right back into the old ball game! It ain't over till we both decide it's over!

:grin2:


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

mravg2u said:


> Believe me he knows that and my bet it is very frustrating for him too. Most men with PE or that do not last long feel inadequate. Can you enjoy more oral or fore play to get you real close before you two do the piv. That has worked for me when younger. Do you have someone to watch the kids for a night?
> 
> When you stress it adds pressure on him adding to the anxiety and stress he feels.


I just want to point out that PE does not mean "done in 2 minutes". PE is more along the lines of "2 or 3 thrusts" (or even just by being touched).

I don't want dudes thinking that if they don't last longer than 90 seconds that they have a problem. The reality is, a minute or two or three is quite normal.

Again, the issue isn't PE here, it's inattentiveness to his wife's needs. My wife can finish in less than a minute, but can also have multiples. There's nothing wrong with her, nor does that make me a great lover because she gets off so quickly. 2 minutes can be enough for her, and sometimes she even wants that. But not all women are like that. Many are "one and done", and many more require far more than a minute of stimulation to finish.

OP's husband doesn't get that, it appears. He doesn't have PE. If OP said he's done in 10 seconds - THAT'S PE. 2 minutes? Nope. That's inattentive.


----------



## mravg2u (Apr 27, 2016)

alexm said:


> I just want to point out that PE does not mean "done in 2 minutes". PE is more along the lines of "2 or 3 thrusts" (or even just by being touched).
> 
> I don't want dudes thinking that if they don't last longer than 90 seconds that they have a problem. The reality is, a minute or two or three is quite normal.
> 
> ...


PE is when a guy can not control his ejaculating. I know all to well about PE since I have suffered with it on and off for 60+ years. There are more than one part of having this problem. Yes there is the 2 thrust and done as well as a couple of minutes and not being able to stop yourself. The O is not nearly as satisfying as when have control of your ejaculating. I am not sure why he can not go more than 2 minutes but PE could be in part the problem among other issues.

I know what PE is like, it is no fun and can happen anytime. For the most part I have it beat. But there have been in the last year a couple times it has happened to me.

PE is not just how long you can last. It is how a guy can or can not control ejaculating. If you know about it and live with it you would better understand it is not a length of time issue, but that is a huge part of it, it is the frustration of an undesired cumming.


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

The problem here is communication, expectations and rigid thinking. On both sides. He isn't paying attention to her needs. She is insisting that all the onus on changing be on him, and he "magically' just last longer because she wants him to. All the above suggestions are good ideas, but even more communication won't help unless they are both willing to adjust their behavior and expectations.


----------



## Justinian (Mar 7, 2015)

alexm said:


> ... You'd be amazed at how many people, men or women, have simply never communicated with their partners ...


I WAS amazed by that fact when I first arrived on TAM.

After a year of reading here, it's easy to see that it is the primary cause of so many relationship problems.


----------



## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

I'm not a fan of the desensitizing or masturbating prior to sex because then he is giving up the great orgasm from PIV sex. That's not a good solution long term. I think the goal should be to coordinate to have the orgasm together (ideally during PIV) with a goal of trying to get the woman to orgasm first (because the opposite order doesn't work because of lost erections). You might consider getting him the book "She comes first" as a gift and ask him to read it. Or get a womanizer and tell him he has to give you an O first, by hook or by crook 

If you can't get him to do that, I'd kick his ass, but that would be counter productive. Also, you can probably speed up your orgasm to match his by using a Fiera during PIV. That could be a mind blowing orgasm for both of you and in record time...

Definition of "Refractory Period" - the recovery phase after orgasm during which it is physiologically impossible for an individual to have additional orgasms. 

Also, you could see a sex doctor to get him an Rx for Cabergoline. My understanding is that it can shorten or eliminate the refractory period, so even after he has his orgasm, he can either keep going or go again soon. Both of you might enjoy that. I only throw that out there as an option. Personally, it would not be my first choice though...


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
My feeling is that its better to spend a lot more time on non-PIV stuff. In addition to giving the OP more pleasure, it will help reduce his stress when he finds he can satisfy her other ways. 

If you have a wider repertoire things you enjoy (oral, toys etc) you may find the he is more relaxed and lasts a lot longer PIV. 

If he can get hard again after a while, that may also help.


----------



## mravg2u (Apr 27, 2016)

Every man should do anything and everything to ensure his wife/lover be satisfied after making love. It is no fun unless both get off or are satisfied. Not all women need an O, most guys do.

Sometimes I will offer my wife a twirl after she gets out of the shower before work. She has only taken up the offer a few times. I am dressed and want nothing more than to have her O for a relaxing start of her day.


----------



## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

First off, the husband and wife need to communicate with each other about what is happening. Only then can they take necessary steps to insure they both get their O (or O's, which can come after the initial communal breakthrough). Right now, it seems as if he is being a little selfish by not ensuring that she's comes first. He probably just doesn't know any better, to be honest. The book _She Comes First_ will certainly be a good teaching tool about how to make sure sex is more satisfying for her, and him, too, once he learns how to get her there. It will be much more gratifying for him to know that he can satisfy her. Lots of foreplay, oral, the use of toys, etc., all can help the buildup before PIV starts. Some men just haven't had enough experience to figure out there's more to sex than just PIV. Until they learn that satisfying the woman is the ultimate goal of any sex, they will never be at their best.

Early in my marriage, I was a little bit quicker than I wanted to be. I found out about edging on my own. Once I learned how to edge, I went from about 2 to 3 minutes, to as long as needed. I can now last an hour or more if I need to, although that's very rarely wanted or needed.:grin2: I can also have multiples, or if I have one really good one, I can keep going indefinitely without a refractory period. Kegels are not only for women, by the way.:wink2:

Communicating is the key to a satisfying sex life. Don't be critical or negative in any way when talking about it, nor get defensive, just talk like adults OUTSIDE the bedroom. This is something that should be talked about without leading to an argument. The approach to the subject is critical. Be nice!


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

mravg2u said:


> PE is when a guy can not control his ejaculating. I know all to well about PE since I have suffered with it on and off for 60+ years. There are more than one part of having this problem. Yes there is the 2 thrust and done as well as a couple of minutes and not being able to stop yourself. The O is not nearly as satisfying as when have control of your ejaculating. I am not sure why he can not go more than 2 minutes but PE could be in part the problem among other issues.
> 
> I know what PE is like, it is no fun and can happen anytime. For the most part I have it beat. But there have been in the last year a couple times it has happened to me.
> 
> PE is not just how long you can last. It is how a guy can or can not control ejaculating. If you know about it and live with it you would better understand it is not a length of time issue, but that is a huge part of it, it is the frustration of an undesired cumming.


It all really depends on what you're talking about, IMO (and I'm not trying to disagree with you, here).

If you're talking "wife touches penis = orgasm 3 seconds later", okay: PE. Any kind of stimulation that results in orgasm in a very short time frame, then sure.

What I think is going on here, though, is quite normal, and non-PE related. Like I said, most men orgasm after as little as 1 minute of PIV sex, without thinking about baseball and grandma. Op is getting, apparently, 2 minutes worth of penis thrusting before her husband is done. And she's not satisfied.

If my wife spends enough time on me during foreplay, I have to tell her to stop, or it's going to be over. With manual stimulation, this could be a few minutes. With oral, as little as one. She will often have a couple of orgasms during foreplay, sometimes 3 or 4. But she can go again, and her favourite is PIV. The other stuff is just a warm up.

If your wife or girlfriend is a "one and done" kind of woman, then you temper your foreplay to get ready for PIV - whether for your benefit (orgasm) or both of yours. Not all women orgasm from PIV. If she doesn't, and she didn't orgasm during foreplay, then DUH you don't roll over and go to sleep, you selfish bastard 

So OP, and sadly, many other women, don't get enough foreplay or "after" play (whatever works for them). The guy diddles around for a bit (or not at all...), sticks it in, orgasms, then assumes she's good, too.

No women will be satisfied if that is ALL they are getting. Even if it's not about the orgasm - it isn't enough. Gee, thanks for the pumping away in me for a whole 2 minutes. SO erotic and sexy.

The clear problem here is that her husband is doing jack squat else with her to get her properly warmed up and close(r) to an orgasm. Or to give her one after he's done.

The first sex I had was when I was 16, with the same partner til I was 18, close to 19. I was her first, as well. We didn't know diddly about sex and basically made it up as we went along. As typical with most first sexual experiences, it was 10 seconds of this, 20 seconds of that, put it in, pump away, finish. We figured some things out along the way, but we never got to the point where I ensured she had an orgasm every time, nor did she ever communicate to me that that was am actual thing. If she had an orgasm, then great. If not, then nothing was said, and she seemed just as happy either way. I didn't know, and I'm not sure she did, either. This was just sex for us.

That first girlfriend of mine is now my wife, after 15 years apart. You better damn well believe we know what sex is, now. We frequently laugh at our ineptitude back in those days. We also now know what bad sex is, and what selfish, one-sided sex is, what it's like to be used, and also what great sex is. Both of us have experienced all of those.

There are adults out there who still have that mindset about sex. Whether they're a little slow on the uptake, or they're selfish, or they've just never been made aware. Some simply stop caring.

Take your pick, OP. Your husband is one of those. And again, talking to him about it can/should help. NOT talking to him about it sure won't.


----------



## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

Whittelily said:


> I need suggestions. I just want him to last longer. He says that we need to have sex 2x in a day in order for him to last. We have 2 kids, a 2yr old and a 6 month old. This is next to impossible most days... between exhaustion, work schedules, and the boys needing our attention. I am frustrated. is there anyway to change this?


Before writing it off as selfish, I. Would lean the way of education. You could make it fun and teach him by getting up to speed on what it takes for a man to last longer. 

Not all women like the FP or other moves so that's not necessarily a solution.


----------



## mravg2u (Apr 27, 2016)

alexm said:


> It all really depends on what you're talking about, IMO (and I'm not trying to disagree with you, here).
> 
> If you're talking "wife touches penis = orgasm 3 seconds later", okay: PE. Any kind of stimulation that results in orgasm in a very short time frame, then sure.
> 
> ...


I agree with you about what seems to be a lover who does not care to ensure mutual satsfaction. I tried to make it car men and women need to make sure it was good for both or it is incomplete and selfish. 

But I was also trying to enlighten people that PE is not about just time. It is much about losing control of ejaculating when you want, not just went it happens. Example, my wife and I made love this past weekend and I lasted about 1 hour. We like to lay together with her on top and while making love slowly I gives her a warm oil back and butt massage. Near the end of the back rub we were going to change positions for a bj. But before we could separate I felt it cumin and no way to stop it. She was very satisfied but a PE O is just not as intense. It may not happen again for days weeks or months. When I was young it happened all the time till a sweet woman helped me to last. PE is a guys nightmare


----------



## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

Whittelily said:


> I need suggestions. I just want him to last longer. He says that we need to have sex 2x in a day in order for him to last. We have 2 kids, a 2yr old and a 6 month old. This is next to impossible most days... between exhaustion, work schedules, and the boys needing our attention. I am frustrated. is there anyway to change this?


how often do you guys have sex? if it's once a week or less, chances are nothing will improve. he probably masturbates to fill the void and masturbation is usually a quickie. if it's a lot more frequent i'm surprised he can't last longer.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Whittelily said:


> I need suggestions. I just want him to last longer. He says that we need to have sex 2x in a day in order for him to last. We have 2 kids, a 2yr old and a 6 month old. This is next to impossible most days... between exhaustion, work schedules, and the boys needing our attention. I am frustrated. is there anyway to change this?


While the two of you are going at it, have some questions prepared to throw him off his game. So as soon as he starts thrusting here are some examples of questions to ask:

• Is that smell coming from you (make an odd face)?
• I think I left my credit card with a waitress earlier today? ...wait no I remember, I have it!
• Does the car have gas?

...drum roll please... (once use by my wife)

• Is the termite certification on our house up to date? 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

badsanta said:


> • Is the termite certification on our house up to date?


That's a great way to ruin your wood!


----------



## mravg2u (Apr 27, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> I'm curious, and I'm asking you since you've been dealing with this for such a long time:
> 
> Do you think there is a psychological component to it? Any unresolved issues; resentment toward your wife or women in general? Early sexual shaming event of some kind, like being caught masturbating?
> 
> ...


Well since sex is in many ways mental there it has to be a component I have no resentment toward women. I have always had a healthy attitude toward women. I think much of it has to do with sesativity. It is a odd condition where when young it was worse which directly equated to being a young man wanting sex all the time. I did not master bate more than any of my other male friends of the same age group. A divorced mature lady lady who liked me helped me control my ejaculating. We had lots of sex it was the perfect fwb relationship. My wife and I enjoy sex at least once a week which for a older guy works out fine. It is very hard to convey the reason or feeling when it happens. It can happen after a period of no sex for some time but it has happened when on get aways when we had sex daily. I can go for 30 to 60 minutes of piv that is very passionate and have complete control. There are things in my past that may have infulaniced me but I think they are a small component to the problem. All I can say is when it happens my wife is very understanding since most times she has been satisfied prior to piv.


----------



## mravg2u (Apr 27, 2016)

The one thing you mentioned is shaming. Unlike most young males I think I have a very good self image. I am pretty average in many ways. Since I have showered with other males of all ages I see my body as pretty normal. 

My wife has never thought I had a problem and last as long as she needs. 

When in late teens early 20s I had one girl tell a mutual friend I was good but wished I lasted longer. Other than her all other lovers seemed happy.

Since you asked good questions I thought I would share one more thing. I have never had a PE problem with receiving oral. Good or bad I can always be in control. Odd things in life.


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

During my 25 year marriage I have been all over the map with Ejac time.
Currently I can last as long as I want to. Citalapram and Viagra have helped tremendously. 
Don't know if this is something you want to consider because obviously the Citalapram is primarily for anxiety and or depression, not controlling your ejaculation.

However, IMO it works perfectly for that very problem.

One other item. I am uncircumcised and was always very sensitive on the head of my penis. I currently wear boxer shorts and ALWAYS keep the skin pulled back to expose the head 24/7. This has desensitized my penis head to also help enable me to last as long as I want to.


----------



## mravg2u (Apr 27, 2016)

UMP said:


> During my 25 year marriage I have been all over the map with Ejac time.
> Currently I can last as long as I want to. Citalapram and Viagra have helped tremendously.
> Don't know if this is something you want to consider because obviously the Citalapram is primarily for anxiety and or depression, not controlling your ejaculation.
> 
> ...


I already take Viagra and years ago took medication to sleep that helped. I am cut and I am as sensitive as my uncut friends. Yes I asked them about this issue. I had a good cut at birth that left enough skin to keep all covered but head. Thanks Doc. Like you I have varied with stamina over the years. Thanks for the advise.


----------



## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

My H usually takes so long to finish that I'm in pain by the time he's done. Usually at least half an hour sometimes longer. I wish I could find ways to speed him up, not slow him down! Especially since I almost never reach O from PIV so it's not particularly enjoyable for me. I don't think either one of us ever has very powerful orgasms. He's certainly never made me scream the way a couple of my boyfriends prior to him did.

Now that I've found out about his apparently long term prescription drug abuse I have to wonder how much that has contributed to our poor sex life.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

CMD1978 said:


> He's certainly never made me scream the way a couple of my boyfriends prior to him did.


First of all: ouch.

Second of all: you know you have the power to change that, right? You know that anybody can have great sex and be satisfied as long as you communicate?

If he's not making you scream, then you need to get him to make you scream. Or you can keep your mouth shut (communication-wise AND in bed...) and keep things status quo.

Good lovers are made, not born.


----------



## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

All the communication in the world doesn't make a man who is selfish in bed stop being selfish in bed, unless he wants to.

Add in an unknown number of years of hidden drug abuse and it's not even that surprising.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

CMD1978 said:


> All the communication in the world doesn't make a man who is selfish in bed stop being selfish in bed, unless he wants to.
> 
> Add in an unknown number of years of hidden drug abuse and it's not even that surprising.


Fair enough. "Selfish" occurred to me, but IMO, selfish lovers aren't usually aware that they are. I didn't know any better when I was 17, for example. By the time I got married, I knew a BIT more, but even then, my ex wife didn't really communicate a whole lot to me. My current wife just led by example right from the start AND we communicate.

I'm not saying your husband isn't a lost cause (he may very well be), but sometimes somebody just needs a real wake-up call in the bedroom, especially if bad sex has been happening for a long time.


----------



## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

I don't know if he's a lost cause of not. But considering he's not currently living at home and is looking at serving time for his second drug possession charge we won't be finding out any time soon. Considering the first time he was convicted of drug related violence he could be looking at 6 months to a year.


----------

