# "Constructive" disagreement vs. fighting to win



## TraceyCCG (Feb 6, 2009)

Hi all. I am new to this forum. I suppose most first timers come here looking for help and I am no different, but now that I have found this forum I hope in the future I will be of help to others as well. First things first, though.

My husband and I have been married 9 1/2 years, no kids, and we've been in business together for the past three years. Things have been up and down over the years but more often lately (last year or so) my husband lets me know how terrible he thinks our relationship is. The things we fight about include our business, finances, the untidy state of our home and lack of sex but not necessarily in that order. I can say without hesitation that ALL the fights are begun by my husband. I'm in no way saying this is right, but I tend to avoid issues; that is my M.O. When it comes to specific things that my husband has done or not done that are bothering me, however, I will either mention it and move on or let it go. Not so my husband.

Tonight we discovered that I had overlooked an important bill that we had in our possession since last Friday. It was due on the 4th and now I have to scramble to fix things. This is not the first time I have made this mistake and I definitely screwed up. I know I had an indefensible position but hubby quickly became really angry and began yelling at me to explain myself. When he starts yelling I can't really focus on anything but the yelling and I clam up. This makes him angrier. At his suggestion we took a half hour break and when we tried to address the matter, hubby quickly got worked up again and the fight became about me trying hard not to cry, and hubby giving me the finger, calling me names, give me a bunch of verbal f*** you's and finally telling me to kiss his you-know-what along with a visual. Also, I got the usual he's done with the relationship, packing up, moving out, etc etc etc. It seems like every fight we have is like this. Hubby has told me many times that when he fights, he fights to win. I don't know what to do in the face of this. I want to resolve things but I can't do it alone. 

I feel like he expects me to be able to have a calm, reasoned discussion (on my side, not on his) in the face of yelling, name calling and all the threats of leaving. He is always sure to let me know that he thinks the problem all lies with me and my poor communication skills. I'm not saying he isn't partly correct. I can write pretty well, I think, but I choke when it comes to actual tough conversations. I freeze up and I know my deer-in-the-headlights reaction infuriates him, but I don't know how to get around it. I get so caught up in not saying the wrong thing (because things often don't come out how I mean them) that I wind up saying nothing and he thinks I'm ignoring him. 

Tonight I know I made a mistake that justified him being angry. I know there are a lot of ongoing problems in our marriage that he is angry and frustrated by as well. I don't know what to do to break the cycle of me trying to avoid all the problems to avoid the conflict and him being so darn mean and making me feel so small when things do come to a head. Most of the time I want to be in our marriage, but on nights like this I want to throw our dogs in the car and go, except that I have nowhere to go. I have no real friends, my parents are out of state, elderly, and my mom has alzheimers, I have no one else but my husband. 

I don't expect a quick fix, but if anyone has any thoughts, similar experiences to relate, books or other things to suggest, ANYTHING, I sure would appreciate hearing them. Thanks in advance.


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## T-Dub (Feb 2, 2009)

To me it seems like he needs to comprimise . Does he even let you get a word in edge wise. Yes you made a mistake about a bill, you took care of it and it should be over with? Does he take work home with and discuss it there also.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Hey tracey, my wife is like you she avoids conflict at all costs, so much so she won't even return something to the store.

I ended up taking over all our finances, becuase like you, she would forget to pay the bills, and I would freak out. Her parents always took care of everything, where I had to struggle all my life and I am big on responsibility.

Our house is messy as well, my wife doesn't clean up after herself, where as I gre up in a house that we HAD to clean up after ourselves due to the large size of our family. Just the other day I watched her change into her nightshirt and throw her sweat shirt on the floor, 10 feet from our luandry basket, I mean how hard it is to throw it in the basket??

Anyway, What do I want from my wife? passion...I want her to say something, battle me for something she feels that is important, I will purposely wait for her to do or say something to get a "reaction" out of her, not cold silence.

But I wish my wife was more passionate, more aggressive in something she believes in, not always subordinate.

I am not big on yelling at her, but we don't have our own business our lively hoods don't depend on it, we both have very good jobs.

Our you very neat and proficient at work? my wife keeps her work extremely clean and is probably the best one at her job in her region, she strives to be the best. At home she is a slob and could care less, which drives me nuts.... :scratchhead:

Becuase I know she can be clean and efficient I know she is extremely smart. I love her to death.

the thing I learned is we had to compromise, I took over all the finacials, not to have control, but so I don't get mad at her when she forgets, I have total responsibility of them, and she is happy with that, becuase she no longer has to deal with that or my Ire if she forgets, it's on me.

She has told me things that have bothered her and I agreed to "correct them" if she can correct things that bother me...clothes on the floor, it's a work in progress.

As for the sex thing, usually ahs to do with being stubborn, and there are times where I was like, well I am not going to have sex with her becuase I am mad at her, but then I realized, well I am just cutting myself off here??? WTF? no need to punish myself, thre is only 1 woman I desire, so I leave the sex out of it when I am mad, which often hlps turn things around.

not sure if I gave any advice here, but maybe I gave you some insight, that you are not alone and it is fairly common.

You need to talk and compromise


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## T-Dub (Feb 2, 2009)

Soccerman, I could not have said it any better. ^5


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Just happened upon this thread because it was on the 'this may be similar' bit at the bottom. Thought it was extremely insightful & relevant to my current questioning about couples' level of agreement about disagreement (if you see what I mean). Please someone comment???? Add to???


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

If he's fighting to win, you'll have a hard time working issues out. In a relationship, you don't/can't fight to win, you have to fight to resolve. You can't be determined to be right; you just might be wrong, and if you can't see that, then nothing will ever get resolved. 

You made a mistake that justified him being mildly upset, not angry enough to be shouting the F word at you, giving you the finger and threatening to leave you. I have to be honest and say that a lot of that, to me, sounds very much like verbal/emotional abuse. 

He doesn't sound like the kind of guy who would be receptive to marriage counselling; am I right about that? I really think counselling for the marriage, and maybe some anger management counselling/courses for him would be the most beneficial things you two could do. 

I'm afraid I don't have anything else other than what I've said here; I don't know if it was helpful at all, but I hope so.


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## questions (May 7, 2010)

Hi,

My H and I used to go to NVC (Non-Violent Communication, also known as compassionate communication) practice group. It's based on a book by Marshall Rosenberg, and you can get one from Amazon: 
Amazon.com: Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (9781892005038): Marshall B. Rosenberg, Arun Gandhi: Books 

Below is some of the information on NVC:

What is NVC?

NVC offers many tools for connecting with others in ways that serve life. Nonviolent Communication can dramatically improve our relationships by helping us focus our attention on:

Empathic understanding of others – without compromising our values, and Honest expression of our feelings and needs – without blame or judgment In NVC, we learn to hear difficult messages with compassion and to express ourselves authentically with the help of these four steps:

OBSERVATION – what we observe that is affecting our well-being
FEELINGS – how we are feeling in relation to what we are observing
NEEDS – the values, dreams, and preferences connected to our feelings
REQUEST – the concrete, presently doable actions we request in order to respond to our needs and enrich our lives

These tools help create dialogue for resolutions that respect everyone. Even in situations of longstanding hostility, the NVC process can open new doors to compassionate connection and action.

I've looked for one in CT area, and below is the website of a center I found:
What Is NVC || New England NVC

Good luck.


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