# Advice welcome



## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

This will be long so bear with me.

In December of 2012 I received the dreaded "I love you but I'm not in love with you" from the wife. I was blindsided obviously in hearing that my wife didn't love me anymore.

A little background. We've been married for 15 years and have three kids ages 13, 10, and 8. I love my wife with all my heart and feel like I would do anything except go to prison to keep her.

For all the years we've been married, she has been a stay at home mom up until April of 2012. This is both our 2nd marriage, and we both were around 30 when we married so all the partying and other stuff was out of our systems.

I've eliminated the possibility of another man, but I know there will be naysayers who come in with doubts. I know my wife and what she went through with infidelity regarding her 1st marriage. My wife is very sensitive to infidelity after watching her father cheat on her mother for years as well. This is not a person who would do that. I know that after talking to her and I know the person she is.

Here's the problem as I see it. When we 1st met she was just graduating college at around age 29 after ending her 1st marriage. She had dreams of becoming a lawyer and then a judge. She ended up becoming a housewife, by choice I'll add, and a stay at home mom. 

I think now, at age 43, she's looking back at her life and thinking that she has done nothing and will never do anything fulfilling. I know being a wife and mother is fulfilling, but it's not the same as having a career for yourself and feeling like you've accomplished something in life.

She actually told me she's in a mid-life crisis, that she's tired of not being a priority, because the kids and I have always come first. She said she had fallen out of love with me a few years ago but kept trying because it was the right thing to do.

I know over the years we would have conversations where she would tell me that she needed more out of me, she needed that closeness and to feel like she was a priority. I always did well for a month or so, and then eventually fell back into everyday life.

Now, as far as me, I work and I come home everyday. I don't go out, I don't do anything in my spare time except spend it with my family. My family makes me happy, I don't need to go out and drink and party, I've done that. My wife will tell me that I'm a great provider and father, that she cares for me.

I can see how she's feeling though. She's spent 15 years taking care of her family while putting all of her dreams aside. Now she wants to make herself a priority and she wants to be happy. I get all of that. I guess what I don't understand is why we can't do that together.

My wife has said since she told me that she didn't love me that she can really see the effort I've been making to make her happy. She just says that it feels like it may be too late, that she's afraid she can't recapture those feelings of love.

She has mentioned separation, but I feel like that's just a step you take before you divorce. If we can't work out our problems together, then how do you work on them apart? 

She said she needs space, and I get that. When this first happened I went overboard with the attention and she said that it was just too much, that it felt like it went from nothing to way too much. I then tried to back off, give her space, and she said that I act like I'm mad when all I'm doing is giving her space.

I've just recently joined a gym, and think I'll start playing golf again. What makes me feel the worst is that my kids have noticed my depression. I can't even act normal around them because my mind is occupied with my wife.

I've decided to try and just worry about me and the kids, to make us the priority. I of course told my wife that I'll be there however she needs me, either emotionally or physically. I told her that I'll act off of her cues, that if she desires attention I'll give it and if not I won't. I've come to realize that trying too hard has exactly the opposite effect.

Here's my dilemma though. I don't know how long I can do this. There's no manual that says it will all end in 4 months and 27 days. I'm willing to work with her and be there for her, but I just can't imagine living like this for a year or more.

I know that may sound selfish, that I'm the reason she says she feels like this, but in the end I have to keep my sanity and be a great father for my kids.

I have my good days and my bad days. I will say this, that up until about a week ago I could break down at anytime, anywhere. Just the thought of what I was going through would cause me great pain and I would lose it. I'm at a point now where I can think about it and feel somewhat okay with it.

Do I love her? Absolutely. Do I want our marriage to work? More than anything. Can I live without her? You bet I could. It would be hard I would survive and move on.

I knew this would be long, but it feels good to write it out. I'm only questioning how long I can do this.


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

Let me add in some stuff regarding the current home life. She said she still looks forward to me coming home everyday. We still watch our shows together after the kids are asleep, and we still get along and laugh.

We have out date nights every other Saturday or so and we have fun dancing.

She does at times crave that space though, when I'm not around so she's not feeling the pressure/stress. 

We still have sex, maybe not as much as we used to but that's okay, I'm trying not to be pushy.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Has she had a check-up recently to check for depression?

Is she on birth control? This could affect mood and libidio


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

Toffer said:


> Has she had a check-up recently to check for depression?
> 
> Is she on birth control? This could affect mood and libidio


No birth control. She had her tubes tied after our last child was born. She was on Welbutrin for a short period of time, but says she doesn't want to be on medication.


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## Ametista (Feb 7, 2013)

I am sorry about what is going on. I think I understand what your wife is going through pretty well. I am 42, a sahm with a Masters degree. I gave up career for kids, now my Masters is outdated and pretty useless. Being a mom can be fulfilling, but then you (Dad) get 1/2 the credit for the kids, don't you? You have the career, get credit for the kids, all she gets is some credit for the kids. She really doesn't get anything for doing what she's done, and now I am guessing she might have to retake some of her college courses to even apply for law school, right? Because its been so long? And how old would she be by the time she ever got to be a lawyer or did anything to make herself feel good about herself? (I am just saying what she is probably thinking)

I sort of doubt she doesn't love you any more. In fact I would bet she loves you very much, but she has literally given up everything and now her kids don't need her as much and where is she? I think maybe she is so disappointed in herself and her perceived failings that she doesn't know what she feels. But I do understand how she feels. 

All I can say is if I were you, I would sit down and spend a loooong time writing down everything she has done to make life better for you and your kids. I would include things like "Chaperoned kindergarten zoo field trip so Alexis could be with her Mommy" and "Cooked healthy food even when she didn't feel like it" and "Sacrificed her own career so that the three children never had to spend time in daycare when they would much rather have been home with a mom who loved them" and "spent many, many hours taking kids to dentist, doctor, gymnastics, soccer, even though she could have been making money instead". etc. etc. etc. Mention everything you can think of, including being there to take care of sick kids so that YOU didn't have to miss work. How many times has that happened? If nothing else,I would do that, because I guarantee she doesn't feel like she has done much and needs to hear it.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Ametista said:


> I am sorry about what is going on. I think I understand what your wife is going through pretty well. I am 42, a sahm with a Masters degree. I gave up career for kids, now my Masters is outdated and pretty useless. Being a mom can be fulfilling, but then you (Dad) get 1/2 the credit for the kids, don't you? You have the career, get credit for the kids, all she gets is some credit for the kids. She really doesn't get anything for doing what she's done, and now I am guessing she might have to retake some of her college courses to even apply for law school, right? Because its been so long? And how old would she be by the time she ever got to be a lawyer or did anything to make herself feel good about herself? (I am just saying what she is probably thinking)
> 
> I sort of doubt she doesn't love you any more. In fact I would bet she loves you very much, but she has literally given up everything and now her kids don't need her as much and where is she? I think maybe she is so disappointed in herself and her perceived failings that she doesn't know what she feels. But I do understand how she feels.
> 
> All I can say is if I were you, I would sit down and spend a loooong time writing down everything she has done to make life better for you and your kids. I would include things like "Chaperoned kindergarten zoo field trip so Alexis could be with her Mommy" and "Cooked healthy food even when she didn't feel like it" and "Sacrificed her own career so that the three children never had to spend time in daycare when they would much rather have been home with a mom who loved them" and "spent many, many hours taking kids to dentist, doctor, gymnastics, soccer, even though she could have been making money instead". etc. etc. etc. Mention everything you can think of, including being there to take care of sick kids so that YOU didn't have to miss work. How many times has that happened? If nothing else,I would do that, because I guarantee she doesn't feel like she has done much and needs to hear it.


Interesting viewpoint and one that is most likely very accurate and true but please do not lose sight of the fact that I'm sure the OP has also made many sacrifices for his wife, the kids and the family as a whole and is not treating her the same way she's treating him. To name a few:

Worked long hard hours to climb the company ladder so wife COULD be the SAHM she wanted to be, worked at a number of crappy jobs to pay for the house, kids, all the needs of the family when all he wanted to do was quit and find a job he liked, got up every morning at the crack of dawn to go to work even when he didn't feel like it, put his own likes and hobbies to the side to come home every night to his family, Went to work even when he didn't feel well so the kids and her had healthcare and dental coverage.

Again, while you're points ARE valid, his wife is not the only one who has made sacrifices here but she is the only one who is choosing to check out of the marriage


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

All valid points, and thank you for the replies. I think the biggest problem out of all of this is she says that I wasn't close enough to her and didn't treat her like a priority.

I don't believe you can tell someone how to feel, or that what their feeling is wrong. I personally feel as though I've been there for her all these years, but then again these aren't my feelings.

She says that although I was around the house, I wasn't there for her. Like I stated earlier, I was always home but I can't change how she feels.

She says it was the small stuff, like complimenting her, that I didn't do enough of that. I'm not going to argue with her feelings, because I think if she feels that way then that's how she feels.

It's just difficult honestly, because I love her so damn much and would really do anything to make this work. We still get along when we're together. We were intimate last night, and she said it was great. I left for work this morning and she gave me a big hug and a kiss.

Of course the "I love you" isn't there, and that's difficult. It's difficult when she tells the kids she loves them, and it's something I don't get. 

It's scary when she says she may never get those feelings back, and that sometimes she wonders if she even wants them back.

I'm thinking some of this has to be hormonal, but what do I know.


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

It sounds like you do love your wife. I can't imagine how hurt you must feel. But I would agree with Ametista. I bet she does love you. Do what you need to to survive! Be a good man, father, husband, son, neighbor, etc. This sounds like a MLC. Get some research...go to the library and check out some books on what to expect so you can be prepared. 
I like to leave the books that I check-out around so my husband can see that I'm truly interested in his struggles and there to help him. I don't preach what I read, but share the interesting facts that pertain to us/him. I'm fascinated with understanding and greatly appreciate the knowledge. 
You know your wife the best. Do what your gut says. Come here for advice and some guidance. If you make mistakes, forgive yourself!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

Thanks Regga for the kind words. It's just really difficult to love someone and not have them love you back, or to tell you that they just don't feel the way a wife should about their husband.

The day to day existence is tough at times, as my emotions are all over the place. I'm feeling really good and confident at times, and then I can plunge into sadness and depression.

I tend to over analyze everything, and that certainly doesn't help. I sometimes think maybe she's just biding her time before leaving. I don't know, I just can't imagine suffering like this for a year or more without losing my sanity at some point.


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## Ametista (Feb 7, 2013)

nickgtg said:


> I'm thinking some of this has to be hormonal, but what do I know.


Actually, you may be right. I had to go on Yaz because my hormones were fluctuating so much (yeah, the one with all the health risks, because it works the best). A lot of my friends are on bc pills for the same reason, and are staying on them until menopause is long gone. I am not a doctor but I know in late 30's/early 40's a woman's hormones do weird stuff as menopause nears and cause intense PMS like symptoms, only worse. I can't tell you how much I would love to have my female parts removed now that I don't need them anymore.


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

She wants a hysterectomy. Would that help eliminate the hormonal feelings?


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## Ametista (Feb 7, 2013)

nickgtg said:


> She wants a hysterectomy. Would that help eliminate the hormonal feelings?


Yes! That would help a lot! I don't know if it would completely eliminate all hormonal aspects, I think they try to leave an ovary or something so she still has estrogen. But they would put her on something to normalize her hormones after that (hysterectomy) so that she didn't get osteoporosis. Again I am not a doctor, I just know that stopping the "cycles" that are completely whacked by now is very helpful. They won't give me a hysterectomy because there's nothing "wrong" which is why I had to do the pill, which I don't like at all.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Nick, is there any validity to what your wife says about you being home but not "being home"? Were you like a "super dad" who would do anything and everything for the kids? Were your kids involved in a lot of activities that either you or her had to take them to that took a lot of time away from the two of you being together? Traveling ball teams?

I think that perhaps you and your wife fell into the parent trap, where everything is for the kids until that fateful day when they no longer really need you as much anymore and you two look at each other and wonder who am I married to? I see that you and your wife have regular date nights, but was that the norm or is this a recent development? 

I can appreciate her feeling like she "wasted" her life by not having a career. But I think kids can play a huge role in parents losing sight of their marriage and what it truly means. Since it sounds like your kids are getting older, maybe a lot of these patterns were ingrained in your wife's mind for the past number of years.


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Nick, is there any validity to what your wife says about you being home but not "being home"? Were you like a "super dad" who would do anything and everything for the kids? Were your kids involved in a lot of activities that either you or her had to take them to that took a lot of time away from the two of you being together? Traveling ball teams?
> 
> I think that perhaps you and your wife fell into the parent trap, where everything is for the kids until that fateful day when they no longer really need you as much anymore and you two look at each other and wonder who am I married to? I see that you and your wife have regular date nights, but was that the norm or is this a recent development?
> 
> I can appreciate her feeling like she "wasted" her life by not having a career. But I think kids can play a huge role in parents losing sight of their marriage and what it truly means. Since it sounds like your kids are getting older, maybe a lot of these patterns were ingrained in your wife's mind for the past number of years.


Like I said, if those are her feelings then I'm not going to question their validity. I've been a police officer for over 20 years now, and have worked evening shift from 3p - 1a for most of those years, including now.

She's the one that is with the kids after school, has to feed them and put them to bed and stuff. I come home around 130 am and she has always been up to spend time with me. We watch our shows and then go to bed a few hours later.

I'm off Thu/Fri/Sat, which is nice. I know her life was very boring staying home everyday, I get that. She's made an effort over the years to tell me she needed that romance, I guess that even though I was home I just fell into the regular routine of life.

Like I said before though, since all this happened I've done everything I can to make her life happy and easier. I hope it's just not too late though.

The biggest thing is not bringing it up, not being too emotional, not begging and pleading with her, that does nothing I've learned.

I'm just living day to day, doing what I can to help her and to make her happy.

I may be stubborn, but right now I just refuse to believe that there's not any love for me in her heart. She has said I'm her best friend, and that she enjoys my company. The date night stuff really started when all this happened. We would go out occasionally before but not all that much.

The kids were younger and I think I just didn't do enough. I'm not blaming her, I blame myself. I really feel that if we get past all of this that our marriage and future together will be fantastic, as I now know that there are no more chances if I fail.

It's tough though, I would probably break down if she said "I love you" to me. It would really mean everything in the world to me to hear that from her.


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

Having a bad day today, and unfortunately nobody to talk with. I can't tell her because it doesn't help what we're going through. It's days like this that are tough. 

Even though I'm getting some closeness with her, the uncertainty of it all just eats at me. I think that if I don't receive an "I love you" within a month or two I don't think I can go on.

I think I need to set a a time frame, say three months from now, and if I can't get an "I love you" I may have to move out.

I know it can take awhile for her feelings to change, but how much pain and suffering must I endure?

I'm hurting.


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## Ametista (Feb 7, 2013)

Is there a grief counselor or regular counselor you can see through your work? Sometimes it helps to just be able to unload on somebody and hear their thoughts.


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

Ametista said:


> Is there a grief counselor or regular counselor you can see through your work? Sometimes it helps to just be able to unload on somebody and hear their thoughts.


My department offers free psychological counseling if I chose to do that. At this point I don't know if I want to go or not.


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## Sillyputty (Jan 22, 2013)

Once you trigger those brain chemicals that present you with anxiety/depression, you are in for a bumpy ride but you will survive this. In fact you will come out better/stronger for having gone thru it. I know I have been there. Apart from not saying the "L" word it sure sounds like she still has storng feelings for you. Don't put so much stock in hearing those words right now. Give her some space and meanwhile keep working on yourself--read, workout, pray/meditate--whatever helps build up your inner core. Then when you are having a "strong" moment, YOU need to lay down the law. Acknowledge all of her feelings; admit your part in this; then give her the reassurance she needs. Tell her you have been researching and you discovered ALL married couples go thru this despite different circumstances involved. It is part of the growing process. No one said marriage was easy but the rewards are there for those who battle through the fog and recommit to one another in new and more meanigful ways. Tell her she has/will soon have the freedom to pursue her career path and that you will be there to support her. Tell her she is the most important thing in the world and that you want to plan trips and vacations with her... she needs to hear these concrete things that are real and tangible. Then simply ask her the question: "Honey, do you want these things with me or not?" You will have to be firm and say as much as I love you and want to have this future with you, I will NOT spend the rest of our days looking at your boy-how-I-regret-marrying-you face. Don't give her a timeline for "coming around." Sure you played a part but this is really her dilemma to work through. Your job is to take the lead role in leading her out of the fog... loving, firm and direct without being pushy. Good luck, I hope this helps!


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

Thanks Sillyputty for the advice. I have said all of those things to her. She just says she doesn't know what she wants right now. I know I sometimes make it worse because I get sad around her, but it's hard not to at times.

Last night, after feeding the kids and stuff, I was feeling kind of down and took a shower. When I got out I kind of snapped at my youngest daughter because her room wasn't clean. I feel bad because I sometimes snap at the kids because of the emotional roller coaster I'm on. It makes me feel like crap after.

Anyway, later on she asked me why I was mad at my daughter, and I said because her room was messy. It was messy, but I know that some of it was depression related. She takes her shower, and while she's ironing we start watching out shows.

Midway through one of them, after she's crawled into bed, I pause it and we have really great sex. When it's over she doesn't really say anything except for answering my questions. We start watching our show again and she just lays in bed watching it. I would love at least a little attention, even as simple as holding my hand.

I get nothing, she falls asleep so I go to bed. I get up about 10 minutes later and go downstairs feeling sorry for myself as usual and break down. 

The next morning, after arriving at work, I call her to make sure she's up so she can get ready for work and get the kids off. She asks me what's wrong, I say nothing and she says okay.

She calls me back about ten minutes later and again asks what's wrong. I stupidly say it just seemed like you didn't appreciate the sex, and that afterwards you were distant. She says maybe we shouldn't have sex because I'm looking into it too much. She said she still feels emotionally detached and that right now it's just sex.

I tell her that I'm okay, thanks for calling to express concern. It's these stupid times when I act depressed or sad that are hurting, but it's difficult to not get any emotion from her at all.

I flip flop between feeling okay and crappy too easily. I really don't know if she'll ever fall back in love with me.


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

I sometimes think about separating because it's hard being around her with no empathy from her. She has mentioned separation before, something along the lines of "to see if I miss you."

Separating to me is just the first step in a divorce. I don't know. Like I've said, 99% of the time we get along, she'll even ask me for sex, and we laugh and have fun together.

I just don't know how long I can hang on. It's selfish to say that, but I have to be honest with myself.


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## Sillyputty (Jan 22, 2013)

I would agree with her on curtailing the sex part... it satisfies her and strings you along... without it you will be more focused. Fight off the weak moments as best you can and only confront her when you are strong. You have to keep working on yourself, she will do so on her time but you can help her along if you stay storng and do the right things.


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

Sillyputty said:


> I would agree with her on curtailing the sex part... it satisfies her and strings you along... without it you will be more focused. Fight off the weak moments as best you can and only confront her when you are strong. You have to keep working on yourself, she will do so on her time but you can help her along if you stay storng and do the right things.


Well, she has never said to stop having sex, she just doesn't want me to think everything is back to normal afterwards. Sex for me brings me close to her I guess. 

I don't want to say no if she asks, maybe I'll just let her initiate it instead of me. The biggest problem I need to work on is being confident in front of her, like none of this bothers me.

I think she might go out with some co-workers after work for some drinks. I think I'll go to a bar myself and have a few drinks.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

"Sex for me brings me close to her I guess. " SPOT ON!

80% of the time, that's the man's love language. When we have sex, we feel closer, why? Because that's how we express love, how we get love from the wife. Sure, we're men, we "have sex" but when you're serious / in a marriage it's now how we connect and keep connected, but to a woman, unless it came after some serious affectionate "love language" or even just romancing her prior, it's just. sex. 

She feels disconnected you said. Have you tried talking to her in HER love language? Maybe buy the book "5 love languages" and read it. There should be a test in there (mine was downloaded pdf. ) Try to find how SHE feels loved, by the things you do. It may be physical touch (not sex), or it could be acts of love, etc. Words of affection maybe? 

She doesn't sound happy. I vote as well, she probably still loves you very much. Women are hard to figure out bub. 

Now, this is where I get to the point I haven't seen anyone else (may have read over it) Have you LOOKED for evidence of OP? Asked to see her phone? checked her facebook? etc. Emotional Affairs can make a person "think" as well. That was the first thing I thought of when you said she just rolled over after sex. She was "thinking" about something. Need to find out what THAT was, so you can battle it. 

Good luck friend.


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

Okay, here's where I'm at as of today. My wife and I had a long talk last night, and she has stated that while she isn't in love with me, she still cares deeply for me and wants to make the marriage work.

She said that we've been married for 15 years, and that she doesn't want to give up. She wants me in the house, and wants to try and live as normal a life as possible.

She's been very open and honest with me since this all began, and I can tell from talking to her that it's killing her because of how she's making me feel.

She said she worries that while she's trying to get those feelings back, she hopes that my feelings towards her don't start fading away. I replied that I'm in this 100%, but that I can't guarantee how I might feel in say six months or a year.

I told her that I accept her feelings, and that we can't focus on the past. I said that we can still have a great marriage, but that focusing on the positive and looking towards the future is what we need to do.

I really need to stay happy and positive around her, and start hitting the gym again and getting back into golf. I know that's what needs to be done, but sometimes it's difficult. 

I feel really good today knowing that she wants to resume our life and try to live life as a husband and wife again, and I respect her wishes that she's not in the same place as me right now and that she just wants time to recapture those feelings.

I really need to start taking care of myself though as I've lost around 15 pounds and am starting to suffer from all of the stress I've been through. 

I don't care what the negative people have to say, I love this woman with all my heart and I want my marriage to work.


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

Another day. We ended up going to church last night for Ash Wednesday, and it was very nice. She held my hand in church while we were sitting there, felt like old times in a way. We went to eat dinner afterwards and it was a nice family outing.

She had told me about a week ago not to get her anything for VD, but I ended up getting her 1 rose, and card, and a gift certificate for a massage.

I left it in her front seat so she would get it when she left for work. She called me after arriving for work and asked why I got her something. She said thanks though and that was pretty much it.

These mood swings I go through are terrible. I sometimes think that if she doesn't love me, then why in the hell am I putting myself through all of this? I sometimes feel like telling her that since she's not in love with me, to move out and file for divorce.

It would be easier for me to leave however because of the kids and stuff. I work evenings and I'm not at home, so that makes it very difficult.

I think when I get home, if she says "sorry, I didn't get you anything for VD," I'll just say that's okay, I'll be the kids Valentine this year.

I'm really trying to separate my feelings when I'm around her, but as many know it's hard at times.

I sometimes wonder about getting my own place, and to just really only have contact with her regarding the kids. I wonder if that would speed up the process either way. Hell, at least I'd know something I think.

Anyways, I like to come here and vent because I have nobody else to talk to.


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

She'll call me when she goes to lunch as she always does. If she brings up the "why did you get me anything for VD" speech I feel like telling her to throw the flower and card in the garbage can and just enjoy the massage.


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## Angus1985 (Feb 14, 2013)

Have you thought about seeing a therapist? I have a similar story which I will not get into now. This is even the first time I am posting. I am seeing a Therapist by myself but started seeing with my husband. I may be able to speak with you about how she is feeling. As your story sounds similar to mine.


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

Still going through the "one day at a time" routine. I'm starting to get worn down quickly however. I'll go 3 days or so being myself and then I'll have a quick relapse, telling her how much I love her. She says we can't even go a week being "normal," whatever that means.

I'm serious though, I don't know how long I can go through this, I love her and I love my kids, but the emotional toll it's taking on me is wearing me out.

I hate getting up each day. I hate going to work, etc...I only look forward to spending time with her it seems, and while we still laugh and get along, it just isn't enough.

I've started going back to church and praying everyday, that seems to help. I just don't know how many months I can go through this.

I think I'm going to have a breakdown of some sort soon.


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## Angus1985 (Feb 14, 2013)

Even if she doesnt want to go to counseling I suggest you go yourself to see a Therapist. You could really lapse into a depression. I know how hard this is for you. The best thing would be for you both to go! Good Luck


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

Angus1985 said:


> Even if she doesnt want to go to counseling I suggest you go yourself to see a Therapist. You could really lapse into a depression. I know how hard this is for you. The best thing would be for you both to go! Good Luck


I went this past Tuesday and will be going again Monday. My wife is going to talk with my brother-in-law, as he went through the same feelings towards my sister a few years ago.

The biggest problem is that she wants our marriage to work, but that she doesn't know how to get those love feelings back. She worries that they'll never come back, or that I'll give up on her and leave.

It sucks being in limbo.


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## Angus1985 (Feb 14, 2013)

I know how she feels! I have been going through this too. If she really wants this to work than she has to be willing to do everything to make it work. Tell her to read "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore". I am almost done with this book ad let me tell you it is a real eye opener! In just a short week I can tell you it has made a difference in the way I feel about my H. He is a lot like you, extremely supportive. He will do anything to make this work. We are finally productively working in our marriage. And going to therapy together! Please encourage her to read this book. Just go buy it and give it to her or download it to her kindle if she has one. My H is now reading it so he has a better understanding as well. You should too! Good luck and let me know how it goes.


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

Thanks, I really appreciate the support.


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

On to today, feeling as though I'm spiraling towards depression at a rapid rate. We had a good night, even some kissing and laughing together. She kissed me goodnight and I snuggled with her.

It sounds good, however I'm still feeling as bad as ever when I'm alone. I only want to be around her it seems.

I've lost interest in everything, reading, sports, movies, everything. I dread waking up, knowing it's going to be another long day. I feel like I'm losing it, and I know I can't because of my kids.

The worst part is my obsession with making her happy is having a negative effect on my kids. I have become short tempered around them and I sometimes just stay silent.

It hurts badly after I get upset with them, I just tell them Daddy is under stress right now.

I'm afraid if I keep going down this path I'm going to lose me. I'm not referring to suicide, as I would never do that, but I'm losing who I am to please her.


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## Angus1985 (Feb 14, 2013)

nickgtg said:


> On to today, feeling as though I'm spiraling towards depression at a rapid rate. We had a good night, even some kissing and laughing together. She kissed me goodnight and I snuggled with her.
> 
> It sounds good, however I'm still feeling as bad as ever when I'm alone. I only want to be around her it seems.
> 
> ...


You need to hang in there! It is very easy to get yourself into a depression. It does not sound to me like this is a total loss here. You have to talk her into doing MC with you and please think seriously about my suggestion if the book. It has helped us so much!


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Nick, you're probably pushing your wife away even further by throwing yourself at her even harder. She said not to get her anything for VD day. Your thought was that if you do this when it's not expected, she'll see that you are really a great guy worthy of her love. She may have seen this as "nick does not listen to me at all". And let's be frank here, did your wife deserve ANYTHING on VD day? If she isn't feeling the love for you that a husband and wife should have together, then she doesn't deserve anything from you.

Just my opinion, but I think you are going about this wrong. You need to do a 180 and begin detaching yourself from her. It's actually called the 180 and you can read up about it in a thread on CWI. The reason to do the 180 is NOT to get her to come back to you but for you to start protecting yourself from her. She has all of the power in your marriage while you are meekly following her around with the hope of breaking through some way, some how. This approach of yours is not working. So disconnect from her. The 180 is meant to protect you emotionally from the trauma she's inflicting on you; however, the side effect may be that she starts to really miss you and realizes what she may be losing in you. 

Also, you need to ditch the nice guy doormat mentality. The both of you deserve mutual respect from each other. If she can't respect you as a husband, then don't take it from her. 

Being extra nice to her is NOT going to work.


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## Mr335 (Feb 10, 2013)

Hi Nick,

I am going through exactly what you are going through right now. Four weeks ago my wife told me "I-Love-You-But-I-Am-Not-In-Love-With-You". 

She said that she cherished her time alone and never missed me when I wasn't around. Apparently she had not been in love with me for 2 years if not longer. She said she had been living a lie and had spent her whole life doing things to make others happy. Getting married, having kids, even living in a big house with our family... She no longer wanted it and thinks that maybe she never did.

I was devastated.

I immediately went into crisis mode. I did some serious self-reflection and realized that some of her points; the fact that I did not ask or even care about her work life, the fact that I sexually objectified her in private and in public and the fact that I generally did not listen to what was important to her; all those points, which I thought were mere trifles were far from that to her.

I'm not saying she is perfect, no one is _but_ when your wife has nagged you for years about this and that, If she has stopped nagging it's either because you started listening or because she has given up.

My wife had given up.

I thought my life was perfect. I had no idea of the problems that were brewing just under the surface.

So I made some changes pronto. I, like you am madly in love with my wife. I became the perfect husband. Attentive, helpful with the household chores, physically attentive without sexualizing her... you name it. I was so desperate not to lose her I was holding on as tight as I possibly could

It only annoyed her. 

I don't blame her for being annoyed. I _was_ annoying. No woman wants to be married to a puppy dog. She actually told me to grow some ba**s.

Then I found out about the affair. I thought my wife was never capable of such an act but she had checked out of the relationship several years ago. Sometimes things just happen.

The affair was physical [twice] several months prior and at the moment was "emotional".

I won't say the affair didn't bother me but in the grand scheme of things it was at the bottom of my concerns with saving our relationship.

My wife, at my request wrote a "no contact" e-mail to the "other man" and have been going to counselling both together and privately for the past week or so. She says she loves the OM, which is really hard to take but she did cut it off and is willing to work on our marriage for 5 years or more.

The hardest thing for me is to give her space. I know that the only way I can get her to fall back in love with me is to work on myself. The changes I have made in my life are inspiring. I want to make these changes for 2 reasons; to win my wife back AND to make myself a better person. Right now, I feel great about myself.

So whenever I get the urge to call her, to tell her I love her, to text her, anything that doesn't give her the space she needs... Whenever I get that urge I send myself an e-mail. Sometimes it's an angry e-mail, sometimes it's a mushy e-mail, sometimes it's just one sentence like "I love you" It is whatever is on my mind and it is directed to my wife. Maybe one day I will let her read all these thoughts but for now it is helping me _immensely in giving her that space. It helps me to concentrate on working on myself and it helps her to think about what she needs to think about.

We still talk but never every second of every moment when we are together which is what I was doing. Our talking moments are far more productive, not re-hashing the same things just more to the point. I am still affectionate but it's dialled back a bit. If something is bothering me, I tell her, we talk about it and we both feel better after wards. We still have a long way to go but we are moving forward. 

Sorry, I did not want this to be all about me. Here's my advice to you.

First of all find out why she is unhappy. Really push her to communicate and then really listen to what she is saying. Try and find a solution. If she needs a night out alone with no phone calls, no texts, no communication whatsoever with you, then give it to her, if it's something about you she doesn't like then change it but only if it is in fact a change you want to see in yourself. Don't change the essence of who you are but positive changes in your life for the sake of your marriage and definitely a good thing.

Counselling. Insist on it. If she is willing to work on your marriage then she must be willing to give this a try. 

Give her her space. Believe me, I hear you about wanting to do something special for her on Valentine's Day, especially in light of recent events. I'm afraid she only sees it as a cheap ploy to win back her affections. Do the small things and choose the bigger gestures carefully. If she specifically says she doesn't want you to do something, then respect that and don't do it. Do whatever you need to do to back down when she needs it.

It sounds like you have a tough road ahead of you and it sounds like you are starting to lose a bit of steam. It's been 4 weeks for me and I think it's been 3 times as long for you. If you love her as much as you say, persevere. If you get through this together just imagine how strong a bond you will have.

And my last bit of advice. Listen to what everyone has to say but think and only do what works for you. No one but you know your exact situation and what applies and what doesn't apply to your relationship with your wife. I had several people tell me on this forum to do a bit of digging to eliminate the possibility of an affair. I hate that I did dig, but I did discover the affair, then put it on the table, then discussed it maturely, she agreed to end it and we are able to move forward.

Other advice, although I have listened and considered, I feel is not right to help save my marriage. I may change my mind in the future but I feel pretty good that right now, the path I am following is the right path for me.

Hang in there._


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## Mr335 (Feb 10, 2013)

How are you doing Nick?


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