# Dating a recently divorced man.



## littletalks

Hello to all- I am new here. I haven't looked around much, but from what I am seeing, I think this may be the opposite side of the usual post. 

I knew my partner when his marriage was coming to an end, and after many ups and downs, things have finally settled and we now live together.

At first the situation used to cause me so much anxiety about everything. I am in a good place now and know that he has feelings for her because she was such a big part of his life and that they still have a lot to do before they are divorced legally and all that, stuff that used to bother me a lot and now I understand and am as level headed as I can be.

I have never been married, and I know that divorce is such a painful thing that I just don't know anything about, and I was wondering if anyone had any tips on how to approach this situation? It hasn't been long since they separated- less than a year. I just know that divorce is such a painful thing, and I want to be able to understand my partner as much as possible. I'd also like some tips on how to deal with feeling about the ex? I know that some separated coupled do, of course, get back together and all that, but just on how to deal with these things in a positive way?

Thank you so much for any help you have to give!


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## EleGirl

You said you knew him when he was still living with his wife. Were you seeing him? Were you in a physical or emotional relationship with him?

The best way for you to handle this is to stay out of their relationship. He is still married, still has a wife. What goes on between them is their business.

Do they have children together?


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## PBear

Are they divorced, or separated? How long we're they separated before you moved in together? Does his ex or STBXW know about you?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga

Well, it wasn't wise to move in with him so soon, but you are there now.

Give him space. Lots and lots of space. He will be grieving, he will be angry, he will be going through a lot of emotional changes, so he'll need both your support and your understanding -- it's tricky, because some nights he'll need you there a lot, and some nights he'll want you to back off. You are going to have to become quite the adept communicator and you're going to have to not ask for a lot for yourself. By choosing to move in with him so soon, you have purchased some tricky relationship issues -- for the time being, until the divorce is final both legally and emotionally, your needs are probably going to have to take a back burner.

If he wants to vent, let him, but be very careful about saying negative things yourself about his soon-to-be-ex. In fact, just don't.

Also, this is all assuming that he's really going through with the divorce and not hoping for a reconciliation with his wife. That's a whole 'nother scenario which I hope you do not have to face.

Good luck.


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## Married in VA

If I am understanding this right, you are an affair partner since you stated that he is your partner and he and his wife are not legally divorced. You also said that you are living together. If this is correct then you are in a bad spot. Your "partner" is a married man and he has a wife (children?). You don't belong there with him so the best thing you can do is move out, break all contact, and let him work through his issues on his own without the presence of an "OW" in his marriage. When he is legally divorced, then you can re-approach the relationship but for now you should stay away.


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## chattycathy

Yup.

You are an OW (other woman) and it isn't going to be good or easy to build a relationship with him.

Maybe go find someone fresh and unattached who is handsome, fun, successful and start off right.

Quite likely, if you dump this guy, he and his wife will reconcile.


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## NotSoSureYet

All I can tell you is not to be too pushy and don't tell him what he "needs" to do to get the divorce over with. I wish you hadn't moved in yet though. A lot of things can change, even AFTER the divorce is final - he probably won't get his feelings back for his stbx, but he may want some freedom otherwise. 
And you HAVE to be decent about his stbx. Don't be catty, bratty or any other form of immature towards her. Don't tell your spouse that his ex is a B*^%#. Keep negativities to yourself. Let him be the badmouther if he chooses to.
Good luck!!


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## Almostrecovered

I think the biggest problem you will run into is that fact that you will have major trust issues with him, he is a known cheater after all


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## aston

Major trust issues are usually a problem because they rarely if ever go away. Especially if there's the possibility that you knew him while he was married.


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## littletalks

yiiiiiikes.


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## littletalks

PBear said:


> Are they divorced, or separated? How long we're they separated before you moved in together? Does his ex or STBXW know about you?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


they've been separated since last october. yes, she does.


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## chattycathy

Last October isn't very long ago.....a tad over half a year!


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## KanDo

If your man was in an affair and particularly if your were the affair partner, you will have significant trust issues. You should really stay out of their divorce.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

You seem to be spending a lot of time thinking about and wanting to accommodate someone else's manure pile that they made of their life. Best advice? Put on your muck boots and get ready to be shoveling for a very long time. Hope you know just by your mere presence in his life/home that you will be fingered for the blame of the failure of his marriage, whether or not this is true. So second piece of advice, get ready to have your reputation trashed and get some upper-lift stiffener. Third piece of advice, focus on what you want out of a relationship, and don't think you're going to get it by running around like a border collie shepherding and defending the perimeters of his emotional life - that's his job. You sound, actually, very codependent.


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## momtoboys

Do they have kids together and how long were they married? Ending a marriage last oct, that isnt very long to be separated from your spouse.... specially if they have been together for a long time, thats why i ask how long they were married.

I think dating a man going through a divorce/separation is a bad idea, but thats just me. I know if i was in your position id constantly fear they'd reconcile, specially if they have kids.


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## littletalks

codependent? no. all im asking is how to support someone who is going through things that I do not understand. 
I am not a home wrecker. things had been bad for a while, his wife cheated on him, he told me about it, she didn't come home for a long time, he moved out. 
no kids. 
and seriously? that I'm the other woman and an "affair" partner because he isn't legally divorced? that has to be a joke. 
honestly, most of you are pretty useless and obviously bitter. I am not the OW in your failed marriage, so stop treating me like I am. 
I think most of you will be a lot happier if you stop being so judgemental of others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## momtoboys

little- You didnt really explain the situation very well. 

I think the best thing you can do is take things slow with him, listen to him when he needs you and always try to stay out of their legal stuff,i wouldnt even comment on it because it may end up blowing up in your face. Divorce is hard for everyone. 

Also, expect him to have trust issues with you since his wife cheated, i say this because i was cheated on and i have not trusted anyone since ive been cheated on, eventually it wore on my relationship. goodluck.


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## CandieGirl

littletalks said:


> codependent? no. all im asking is how to support someone who is going through things that I do not understand.
> I am not a home wrecker. things had been bad for a while, his wife cheated on him, he told me about it, she didn't come home for a long time, he moved out.
> no kids.
> and seriously? that I'm the other woman and an "affair" partner because he isn't legally divorced? that has to be a joke.
> honestly, most of you are pretty useless and obviously bitter. I am not the OW in your failed marriage, so stop treating me like I am.
> I think most of you will be a lot happier if you stop being so judgemental of others.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




What bothers me is that you say he still has feelings for her...that's an obvious dealbreaker in my books, and indicative of a lack of readiness to move on (on his part).

Regarding the OW comments from the other posters...when I met my husband 2 years ago, he had been separated for over 6 years, and was just in the process of finalizing his divorce. The final docs only arrived 2 months after we moved in together. So I guess I am the 'OW' too, technically speaking. Don't worry about it.


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## PBear

I'm recently separated (17 months?), and I've been seeing someone since very early in my separation. At the time I left my marriage, I was fully checked out of it, and ready to move on. 

My GF has been very supportive over the past 16 months. She listens to me when I need to vent, she offers intelligent input when I ask. That's all I can ask of her, and I'm grateful for her support. It's not really different than supporting your partner through something else that's bothering them that you have no control over. It could be a job issue, sick parents, whatever... So much depends on your partner and where he's at that it's hard to give very specific advice. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trickster

My concern would be that you are not the rebound women. His wife cheated on him and he is hurt. You come in to the picture while all of this is going down in a very loving supportive kind of way. I mean that in a good way...

I agree wit PBear. Just be there. He may have a lot of trust issues.


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## littletalks

CandieGirl said:


> What bothers me is that you say he still has feelings for her...that's an obvious dealbreaker in my books, and indicative of a lack of readiness to move on (on his part).
> 
> Regarding the OW comments from the other posters...when I met my husband 2 years ago, he had been separated for over 6 years, and was just in the process of finalizing his divorce. The final docs only arrived 2 months after we moved in together. So I guess I am the 'OW' too, technically speaking. Don't worry about it.


Thanks for this! But I understand where he is coming from, she's been a large part of his life for about ten years, I think it's fair. 

My parents were separated for 13 years before they got divorced, I think mainly staying together for legal reasons. I know a few people who have done the same thing. Really not too sure why that matters? But that's just me I guess.


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## lamaga

Just one more note, Little, I'd notice if he includes you in progress reports about where the divorce negotiations are. That goes a long way toward building trust.

I only say this because we have a mutual friend who has been de facto divorced from his wife for years, but who is not even pursuing a legal divorce, because a) financial messes and b) he likes the protection it offers him from women. (Why, yes, he is mentally 13!)

Not suggesting that about your fellow at all, but it's good if he is transparent with you about the process.


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## chattycathy

Note to all......if you date someone whose divorce is not final as in done....you are the OW. It isn't a technicality. It just is a fact.

If you wind up happily married and nothing ever happens to the marriage and you stay happy until death.....yay......you dodged a humoungous bullet.

So, yes, worry about it.


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## CandieGirl

lamaga said:


> Just one more note, Little, I'd notice if he includes you in progress reports about where the divorce negotiations are. That goes a long way toward building trust.
> 
> I only say this because we have a mutual friend who has been de facto divorced from his wife for years, but who is not even pursuing a legal divorce, because a) financial messes and b) *he likes the protection it offers him from women.* (Why, yes, he is mentally 13!)
> 
> Not suggesting that about your fellow at all, but it's good if he is transparent with you about the process.


Hmmm...I think a lot of people do this; I dated 2 guys in a row who had no intention of getting divorced. The third one (who became my H) was already in the process of, but only because someone he'd met and briefly dated said that it would really be a good idea if he was truly serious about meeting someone else and moving forward in life. Lucky for him that he was in the process, because I'd decided that if he was still married, there would have been no future dates.


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## CandieGirl

chattycathy said:


> Note to all......if you date someone whose divorce is not final as in done....you are the OW. It isn't a technicality. It just is a fact.
> 
> If you wind up happily married and nothing ever happens to the marriage and you stay happy until death.....yay......you dodged a humoungous bullet.
> 
> So, yes, worry about it.


Oooooh, well then paint a big red A on my forehead! Give me a break. There are exceptions to every rule, whether you like them or not.


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## littletalks

chattycathy said:


> Note to all......if you date someone whose divorce is not final as in done....you are the OW. It isn't a technicality. It just is a fact.
> 
> If you wind up happily married and nothing ever happens to the marriage and you stay happy until death.....yay......you dodged a humoungous bullet.
> 
> So, yes, worry about it.


Yes, it is a technicality. No, I won't worry about. 

I'm sorry you were cheated on, so please stop projecting.


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## Deejo

So ....

You are in a precarious spot.

Your man has a good deal of unfinished business with his soon to be ex-wife.

This kind of circumstance can be volatile for ... everyone.

The primary issue being that unless and until he has done the emotional work of both physically and mentally breaking away from his spouse, the relationship he has with you can be very, very tenuous and unpredictable; which can in turn cost you emotionally.

So my advice? Be supportive ... but not too supportive.

Protect yourself and your feelings. If he wants to talk to you at length about his wife ... I'd think twice before deciding that's a good idea.


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## Paradise

littletalks said:


> Yes, it is a technicality. No, I won't worry about.
> 
> I'm sorry you were cheated on, so please stop projecting.


Hey there, little....

Couple of things...Last summer I was 6 months separated from my ex and as soon as the divorce hit I went right into dating. I really felt like I was ready. I met several very nice ladies and dated a few of them for several months. Problem was I never really understood what I was feeling in those mini-relationships. They were there for me to heal. Even if I truly wanted to give them something there was no way for me too. Emotionally, I was not ready to put someone else first. 

Your BF is at about the same point I was in this process last year and I can guess that he is going through some of these types of emotions. I really wish I could put it in better words for you. Big difference in my relationships and yours is that I didn't explain my emotional situation with my new "girlfriends." I tried to keep it bottled up and put my best face on for them even though inside I was still unbalanced. 

Here's my 2 cents. If you like him, then keep dating him (although moving in was a mistake in my opinion) and obviously you have to both be emotionally available to one another, but I would be hesitant to entertain talks about the STBXW. Matter of fact, if I was dating someone and the topic of their ex continued to come up then I would probably just move on. 

Last thought from me and I'll shut up. You have made a couple of remarks towards people on this thread about projecting. True, most of us have been cheated on and are a bit sensitive to some scenarios and others just have a different moral compass. All I'm saying is take this into account. You don't have to reply to everyone. This place, whether right or wrong, is a safe haven for some. It is hard to be 100% clear about your scenario as it is impossible for you to type out your entire relationship. Everyone projects to some degree on here.


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## lamaga

Paradise, you are right about this site needing to be a safe place. I think it's demonstrably true that this was not a safe place for her, and she struck back. I applaud that. 

Everyone projects on advice sites, it's true. People here take it to an extreme. I'm glad she pointed it out.


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## littletalks

Paradise said:


> Hey there, little....
> 
> Couple of things...Last summer I was 6 months separated from my ex and as soon as the divorce hit I went right into dating. I really felt like I was ready. I met several very nice ladies and dated a few of them for several months. Problem was I never really understood what I was feeling in those mini-relationships. They were there for me to heal. Even if I truly wanted to give them something there was no way for me too. Emotionally, I was not ready to put someone else first.
> 
> Your BF is at about the same point I was in this process last year and I can guess that he is going through some of these types of emotions. I really wish I could put it in better words for you. Big difference in my relationships and yours is that I didn't explain my emotional situation with my new "girlfriends." I tried to keep it bottled up and put my best face on for them even though inside I was still unbalanced.
> 
> Here's my 2 cents. If you like him, then keep dating him (although moving in was a mistake in my opinion) and obviously you have to both be emotionally available to one another, but I would be hesitant to entertain talks about the STBXW. Matter of fact, if I was dating someone and the topic of their ex continued to come up then I would probably just move on.
> 
> Last thought from me and I'll shut up. You have made a couple of remarks towards people on this thread about projecting. True, most of us have been cheated on and are a bit sensitive to some scenarios and others just have a different moral compass. All I'm saying is take this into account. You don't have to reply to everyone. This place, whether right or wrong, is a safe haven for some. It is hard to be 100% clear about your scenario as it is impossible for you to type out your entire relationship. Everyone projects to some degree on here.


Thank you so so much for your reply. I do, too, think he is in the place where you say you were. Thanks for the advice. I'm gonna stick around for him, definitely. I think the best thing for me to do is just be around if/when he wants to talk. I've been good at never asking questions about her, it seems that has been the right thing to do. 

And I agree, I think it's impossible for anyone to not project or be biased. But I think there is a way to say those things in a constructive manner. And I, personally, don't think that has been what has been demonstrated. This has not been a safe place for me, whatsoever. So this concludes my stay at TAM. 

Thanks everyone!


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## chattycathy

Facts are facts.

You can try to manuever them to be okay....but you can't.


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## 2betex

I think if you take all the advice and sift through it and do what your heart is telling you. Usually your heart is right.. Don't let others opinion bother you it is between you and him. I see nothing wrong with moving in. Especailly if you did know him before.. You probably already aware of the issues... but IMHO don't try to influence but support and advise.


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## littletalks

chattycathy said:


> Facts are facts.
> 
> You can try to manuever them to be okay....but you can't.


None of the things you have said are facts. 

I'll pray for you, you miserable woman.


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## EleGirl

littletalks,

Here's the issue that some were trying to clear up. You stated:

"I knew my partner when his marriage was coming to an end, and after many ups and downs, things have finally settled and we now live together."

When you ask people for input, sometimes they need more clarification. It's not clear from the above if you were having an emotional and/or physical affair with him while he was still living with his wife. This is helpful to know. And yes that knowledge would have impact on many things.

Instead of accusing posters of being bitter, etc, etc, it would be helpful if you engaged in conversation and answered.

We do not know what state you live in. In some states living with a person whose divorce is not final can be used as proof of adultery by them. They are technically still legally married until the day the divorce is final. This fact and questions about it are not a judgment of you, it’s simply an attempt to get clarification and a statement of fact.

I too dated a man who had filed for divorce from a wife who cheated on him. Actually I’ve done this twice.

The first time I did it, he continued to lie to me after he stopped the divorce and got back with his wife. He traveled for his work so it was easy for him to hide the duplicity from both of us. I broke up with him the day I found out.

The second time he had been separated for a year before I met him. His divorce finally went through and we married 2 years after I met him. It was a huge mistake. We are divorced now. His wife was not perfect but I can see why she cheated no him and moved on. I cannot see why she walked out on her children.

You are in a situation that often does not end well. But you are willing to take your chances. That's up to you.


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## hunter411

Hey Little,
Thank you for sharing your story. If you still stop in TAM, Im curious to know how things are going.


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