# losing my wife.......need help :(



## bgoldsmith (Aug 5, 2020)

hi all.....ive never done one of these before......my heart is just too broken....... my wife whom i love more than anything had not been getting along for about the last year....... she moved out on march 30th.........we have 4 kids together...... we have been splitting time....... she left for 30 days and then came back for 15 days......... she was very distant and kept saying she couldn't reconnect.......so she left again.......i gave her our savings of $70k for no smart reason and she has been spending tons of it........she MAY be having a affair..... ive asked her to stay away from this guy for a year but she keeps running back to him.......my kids even said he has her in his phone as babe........she claimed to know nothing about it and said nothing physical has ever happened (physically he is not her type he really isn't good looking and is much older) and that she only connected with him on a emotional level...... for the last few months it seems as she has went back and forth from wanting to be with me to not.........we have seen a marriage counselor.......we were starting to say i love you again....... she said it was hard but i told her its going to take time to heal and forgive and trust one another again.......we were supposed to go on a date the other night she said she didn't want to and only wanted to hang out with the kids......i pesterted her and she said again she wants a divorce....... she can't seem to make her mind up at all and has been gone for 4 months.........im depressed everyday, miss her everyday, feel anxiety and panic everyday........some days i feel like im begging her.........i don't know what to do


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

1. Stop begging her. It makes you look more and more weak. She will lose more and more respect for you, more than she already has. 

2. Get that money back, however you legally can. She is spending YOURS and her money on her and another man. 

3. Dollars to donuts she won't stop running to the other man. Let her go or this will break you in half.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You really need to look up the 180. Read it and implement it. Right now you are playing a pathetic game of "pick me!" and that doesn't work. It doesn't work at getting your wife back (it looks weak and pathetic) and it doesn't help you feel better at all. The 180 is not to "win" your wife back, it's for you. Your wife may or may not come crawling back in the process and by then you will be in a better place to decide if you even want to take her back.

It's likely that your wife is having an affair and has been for quite a while if the marriage problems started when the OM entered the picture. If your wife is having an affair with him she WILL lie, that's what all cheaters do. Also, a lot of people seem to affair-down. Meaning, they choose someone they wouldn't normally go for (older, overweight, etc). 

Where did she move out to?

How do your kids know that the OM has her named "babe" in HIS phone? It seems very odd that they'd have access to his phone and able to see that.

You REALLY need to consult with an attorney or two, second opinions are always a good idea. You may or may not get divorced but you do need to know where you stand and how to protect yourself.


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## bgoldsmith (Aug 5, 2020)

bobert said:


> You really need to look up the 180. Read it and implement it. Right now you are playing a pathetic game of "pick me!" and that doesn't work. It doesn't work at getting your wife back (it looks weak and pathetic) and it doesn't help you feel better at all. The 180 is not to "win" your wife back, it's for you. Your wife may or may not come crawling back in the process and by then you will be in a better place to decide if you even want to take her back.
> 
> It's likely that your wife is having an affair and has been for quite a while if the marriage problems started when the OM entered the picture. If your wife is having an affair with him she WILL lie, that's what all cheaters do.
> 
> ...


thanks ill look into the 180. is it a book or what? he had his phone open around them i guess....she has been living at air bnb for 4 months


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

bgoldsmith said:


> she can't seem to make her mind up at all


Cheater's handbook, chapter 5. "Cake Eating" Your wife wants to have the conveniences, the money, the lifestyle that YOU provide, but have the "fun" of being with another guy.



bgoldsmith said:


> i gave her our savings of $70k for no smart reason



Whatever's left of it, take it back. Take ALL the money in any joint accounts. ALL. Have your paychecks, payments, etc, routed to ONLY YOU both NOW and FOREVER. Get an attorney.



bgoldsmith said:


> i told her its going to take time to heal and forgive and trust one another again......


Forgiving her, you must, for your own sake. Heal ? yes, for yourself. Trust ? No way in hell, Ever again.



bobert said:


> she WILL lie, that's what all cheaters do.


Yes, sir. ALL. Every last one, no exceptions.

*THE 180*



bgoldsmith said:


> she has been living at air bnb for 4 months


See....that's the other thing about cheaters. They have NO SCRUPLES. They give themselves permission to commit adultery, lie, bear false witness, and steal. They steal money from their own children, and have no consideration for their welfare or well-being.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

bgoldsmith said:


> hi all.....ive never done one of these before......my heart is just too broken....... my wife whom i love more than anything had not been getting along for about the last year....... she moved out on march 30th.........we have 4 kids together...... we have been splitting time....... she left for 30 days and then came back for 15 days......... she was very distant and kept saying she couldn't reconnect.......so she left again.......i gave her our savings of $70k for no smart reason and she has been spending tons of it........she MAY be having a affair..... ive asked her to stay away from this guy for a year but she keeps running back to him.......my kids even said he has her in his phone as babe........she claimed to know nothing about it and said nothing physical has ever happened (physically he is not her type he really isn't good looking and is much older) and that she only connected with him on a emotional level...... for the last few months it seems as she has went back and forth from wanting to be with me to not.........we have seen a marriage counselor.......we were starting to say i love you again....... she said it was hard but i told her its going to take time to heal and forgive and trust one another again.......we were supposed to go on a date the other night she said she didn't want to and only wanted to hang out with the kids......i pesterted her and she said again she wants a divorce....... she can't seem to make her mind up at all and has been gone for 4 months.........im depressed everyday, miss her everyday, feel anxiety and panic everyday........some days i feel like im begging her.........i don't know what to do


She is and has been having a physical affair for however long she has been acting this way. 

Why don't you use paragraphs and standard punctuation? 

She has been screwing this guy every time she can, and you just gave her 70 grand to continue screwing him. 

Do you really not know what is going on here? 

If this is real, then you are being completely weak about all of this, it is embarrassing. 

FILE FOR DIVORCE ASAP!!!!

Don't let yourself be treated this way.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

bgoldsmith said:


> thanks ill look into the 180. is it a book or what?


Here is a link to the 180:








The 180


Several years ago, Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, introduced a concept to the world of infidelity that is designed to help you and your partner move forward in the healing of…




beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

bgoldsmith said:


> she has been living at air bnb for 4 months


That seems very expensive... Are you _sure _she's living there? Have you seen bills? Or is she possibly living with the OM? If not, is he married?


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## bgoldsmith (Aug 5, 2020)

bobert said:


> That seems very expensive... Are you _sure _she's living there? Have you seen bills? Or is she possibly living with the OM? If not, is he married?


ya it is shes spent a ton........ i know shes there because ive drove by........she isnt living with om my kids would have told me by now


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

bgoldsmith said:


> ya it is shes spent a ton........ i know shes there because ive drove by........she isnt living with om my kids would have told me by now


You NEED to consult an attorney, have you done that yet? Do you still have shared bank accounts? Is she racking up credit card debt on top of the $70K you gave her?


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## bgoldsmith (Aug 5, 2020)

bobert said:


> You NEED to consult an attorney, have you done that yet? Do you still have shared bank accounts? Is she racking up credit card debt on top of the $70K you gave her?


i have talked to a attorney........we have always had separate accounts


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Did you give her the 70K as a reward for cheating, because I don’t get it.
I have only two words for you.- DIVORCE HER!!!!


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

If OM is married, you should report the relationship to his wife.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

bgoldsmith said:


> i have talked to a attorney........we have always had separate accounts


I wish for your sake that you had had sense enough to not give her and her BF 70 grand to party on. I wish that had stayed in a separate account. 

If you would not mind, could you tell us what you were thinking???? Did you think it would buy her love, make her love you. You understand that she has not love or respect for you in any way, you get this right????

What are you going to do? You have gotten good advice which is get as much money back as you can and file for divorce!!!!


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

BluesPower said:


> I wish for your sake that you had had sense enough to not give her and her BF 70 grand to party on. I wish that had stayed in a separate account.
> 
> If you would not mind, could you tell us what you were thinking???? Did you think it would buy her love, make her love you. You understand that she has not love or respect for you in any way, you get this right????
> 
> What are you going to do? You have gotten good advice which is get as much money back as you can and file for divorce!!!!


True. If she really had respect for him, she should have said “no” to the money. She knows she doesn’t deserve that money. She left him for cheating and doesn’t care, she still cheating and keeping the money.. She is going to get as much as she can from him, before she leaves him for good.


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## bgoldsmith (Aug 5, 2020)

marcy* said:


> Did you give her the 70K as a reward for cheating, because I don’t get it.
> I have only two words for you.- DIVORCE HER!!!!


no the truth is i was drunk and just wanted her gone........she said she wouldn't take our house if i gave her that


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## bgoldsmith (Aug 5, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> I wish for your sake that you had had sense enough to not give her and her BF 70 grand to party on. I wish that had stayed in a separate account.
> 
> If you would not mind, could you tell us what you were thinking???? Did you think it would buy her love, make her love you. You understand that she has not love or respect for you in any way, you get this right????
> 
> What are you going to do? You have gotten good advice which is get as much money back as you can and file for divorce!!!!


yes the truth is i was hurting and drunk.... she said she wanted out and i said fine im doing this with you anymore.......i said what do you want from me........she said buy me out of the house.......thats what it was for but still overpaid........it was extremely stupid as im not proud of everything
freaking out how i can afford everything


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

bgoldsmith said:


> no the truth is i was drunk and just wanted her gone........she said she wouldn't take our house if i gave her that


Are we supposed to believe this for a second? How old are you? Did you get it in writing? Did a lawyer draw up some paper work. 

Brother, you need to file for divorce as soon as you can...


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

bgoldsmith said:


> no the truth is i was drunk and just wanted her gone........*she said she wouldn't take our house if i gave her that*


And what does your lawyer have to say about that "buy out"? Is that actually going to hold up in court?


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## bgoldsmith (Aug 5, 2020)

bobert said:


> And what does your lawyer have to say about that "buy out"? Is that actually going to hold up in court?


well the lawyer said it could count as the house because im not leaving and i have the texts saying that is what she wanted.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

bgoldsmith said:


> well the lawyer said it could count as the house because im not leaving and i have the texts saying that is what she wanted.


Well, it's too late to do anything about it now so I hope you don't continue to get screwed over. Make sure you have those texts saved in multiple locations. Can you also print off the phone records to get the dates of the texts in writing?


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## ScottL (Aug 5, 2020)

I understand where you are. I have been in a similar situation. 
The thing is this has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you.

You have a picture of what everything should look like and how you want it to be. You have invested yourself in being the good guy who would do anything for his wife. The thing is that no matter what you do for her it will never help. 

What you need to do is start working on yourself. There are things that will happen if you really get into this work deeply. You will eventually lose having expectations of other people. You will learn to communicate from your heart and not worry too much about the results. When you get to know yourself and you are confident in yourself, your love for her will show. And if she stays with you or not, you will still love her.

The thing is this is not a needy love or a wanting love, it is unconditional love. You cannot get there unless you do the work on yourself. This is not easy. 

If she is cheating or not, how you feel about it has everything to do with just you.
It is an experience that is there to help you grow. How you look at it is your choice.
There are people that could accept it and live with it, there are people who would get angry and get out of the relationship.
There would be people who have a reaction from one extreme to the other. So you have the choice to figure out how you will do it.
You can come at it with love and understanding or with anger and the feeling of betrayal. It is all your choice. 

Society tells us to react this way or that way. But this is an individual choice.
Honest wholehearted conversations are very difficult in this society but it is where we often find the most peace. 

Don't attach yourself to outcomes. Attach yourself to finding the truth about yourself. 

It is those who chose to really get to know their true selves that become healthier and understand that they are responsible for how they perceive everything that happens in their life.
Is the weather good or bad? Neither it is just the weather.
Is someone having an affair outside your relationship good or bad? No, it just is. It is how you want to be in that situation that matters.
Everything that happens in your life happens for you. For you to grow and change.
Again, that is your choice. 

What I had to do was to find someone that could guide me through that process. I had to go through a total change in my belief structure and how I related myself to the world. 
I now am able to help people who really want to change go through this process. 

Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to grow without expectations.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> Why don't you use paragraphs and standard punctuation?


LMAO!


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## bgoldsmith (Aug 5, 2020)

ScottL said:


> I understand where you are. I have been in a similar situation.
> The thing is this has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you.
> 
> You have a picture of what everything should look like and how you want it to be. You have invested yourself in being the good guy who would do anything for his wife. The thing is that no matter what you do for her it will never help.
> ...


this is excellent thank you


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Why have you guys been fighting for a year? What is the core problem?


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

bgoldsmith said:


> hi all.....ive never done one of these before......my heart is just too broken....... my wife whom i love more than anything had not been getting along for about the last year....... she moved out on march 30th.........we have 4 kids together...... we have been splitting time....... she left for 30 days and then came back for 15 days......... she was very distant and kept saying she couldn't reconnect.......so she left again.......i gave her our savings of $70k for no smart reason and she has been spending tons of it........she MAY be having a affair..... ive asked her to stay away from this guy for a year but she keeps running back to him.......my kids even said he has her in his phone as babe........she claimed to know nothing about it and said nothing physical has ever happened (physically he is not her type he really isn't good looking and is much older) and that she only connected with him on a emotional level...... for the last few months it seems as she has went back and forth from wanting to be with me to not.........we have seen a marriage counselor.......we were starting to say i love you again....... she said it was hard but i told her its going to take time to heal and forgive and trust one another again.......we were supposed to go on a date the other night she said she didn't want to and only wanted to hang out with the kids......i pesterted her and she said again she wants a divorce....... she can't seem to make her mind up at all and has been gone for 4 months.........im depressed everyday, miss her everyday, feel anxiety and panic everyday........some days i feel like im begging her.........i don't know what to do


Begging? Giving her 70,000K to just blow out of your family earnings?
She's having an affair with another man?

I'll let the others send you comforting, empathetic responses....I'll just say....GROW A PAIR! Stand up to her, call her out on her cheating and if she will not be faithful then divorce her....don't give her all the families money on her way out the door to betray you yet again with another man.
Where is your testosterone? Why are you letting yourself get walked over, betrayed, disrespected?
Begging her to come back? I'm ashamed to call myself a man right now if you also represent my gender.


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## bgoldsmith (Aug 5, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Why have you guys been fighting for a year? What is the core problem?


Lack of respect, i started drinking, she kept being friends with this guy. It’s weird too like she just randomly texts me she quit her job


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

bgoldsmith said:


> i started drinking,


Has that stopped, or is it still a problem? You don't want it to cause issues with custody.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

bgoldsmith said:


> she quit her job


Make sure you mention stuff like that to your lawyer in case it affects CS or alimony.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

bgoldsmith said:


> hi all.....ive never done one of these before......my heart is just too broken....... my wife whom i love more than anything had not been getting along for about the last year....... she moved out on march 30th.........we have 4 kids together...... we have been splitting time....... she left for 30 days and then came back for 15 days......... she was very distant and kept saying she couldn't reconnect.......so she left again.......i gave her our savings of $70k for no smart reason and she has been spending tons of it........she MAY be having a affair..... ive asked her to stay away from this guy for a year but she keeps running back to him.......my kids even said he has her in his phone as babe........she claimed to know nothing about it and said nothing physical has ever happened (physically he is not her type he really isn't good looking and is much older) and that she only connected with him on a emotional level...... for the last few months it seems as she has went back and forth from wanting to be with me to not.........we have seen a marriage counselor.......we were starting to say i love you again....... she said it was hard but i told her its going to take time to heal and forgive and trust one another again.......we were supposed to go on a date the other night she said she didn't want to and only wanted to hang out with the kids......i pesterted her and she said again she wants a divorce....... she can't seem to make her mind up at all and has been gone for 4 months.........im depressed everyday, miss her everyday, feel anxiety and panic everyday........some days i feel like im begging her.........i don't know what to do


stop being a doormat. You are doing everything wrong. What has she said is the problem with the marriage? 
You said you were drinking. Are you a drinker, an alcoholic, abusive? What is the context here? Do we have the full picture? Have you listened to her complaints in the past?

You need to:
1. Do a complete 180 on her
2. Why did you give her all the savings, that was a foolish move. i assume you are the one taking care of all the expenses?
3. you will never nice her back into the marriage
4. She is having an affair and she is neck deep into it, the fog, the romance, etc, do not believe otherwise
5. get evidence, use that money you gave away, take it back and hire a PI
6 Go and see a lawyer to protect yourself and your family, if necessary give her papers, it may shock her into reality if she is not too far gone.
7. Get counselling for yourself to be able to handle this/start going to gym, walking running, etc, take care of your health, get sleep etc
8. Tell your family and friends and her family, the more people that know the better, do not hide anything for her, cover for her, etc.
9. Go see a doctor, as you may need meds to help with anxiety

You need to go scorched earth and be ready to lose this marriage if there is hope of saving it. Change the locks on the door. No communication unless about kids, no visits at house, no coming back show her you mean business. Women admire strong men not weak ones and right now you are begging and being weak.

if on the chance she comes to her senses, there has to be consequences, we can help talk you through that but there can be no rug sweeping ever.

How old are you and she? How old are the kids?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

bgoldsmith said:


> yes the truth is i was hurting and drunk.... she said she wanted out and i said fine im doing this with you anymore.......i said what do you want from me........she said buy me out of the house.......thats what it was for but still overpaid........it was extremely stupid as im not proud of everything
> freaking out how i can afford everything


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Why did she quit her job?

You need to man up and talk to your attorney about this, finances, the kids, your house, everything. And file for divorce.

She left you, don't finance her abandoning the family and you.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

bgoldsmith said:


> Lack of respect, i started drinking, she kept being friends with this guy. It’s weird too like she just randomly texts me she quit her job


It doesn’t sound like a lot of stability. My advice is to stop drinking.


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## confusedinCA2020 (Jul 2, 2020)

ScottL said:


> I understand where you are. I have been in a similar situation.
> The thing is this has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you.
> 
> You have a picture of what everything should look like and how you want it to be. You have invested yourself in being the good guy who would do anything for his wife. The thing is that no matter what you do for her it will never help.
> ...


I love what you wrote here...It is what I am going through myself!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ScottL said:


> I understand where you are. I have been in a similar situation.
> The thing is this has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you.
> 
> You have a picture of what everything should look like and how you want it to be. You have invested yourself in being the good guy who would do anything for his wife. The thing is that no matter what you do for her it will never help.
> ...


So in your way of seeing, people should have no expectations of their spouse, their friends, their children, their bosses, etc. So where is the relationship? No man is an island and life is messy and people expect to be treated with respect, kindness, I expect my husband to take me to the doctors when I am ill, he expects me to cook for him and provide him with company, listen to him when he is struggling with work, etc. You are saying that we should live as if we are not connected to others, this is more psycho babble. People have needs and one of the purposes of marriage is for the spouse to help feel those needs. We are not yogis sitting under a tree without human interactions


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

You need professional counseling and much help sir. Divorce her as she is toxic for you focus on being a better you.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

Grow some balls (180) and see a lawyer.


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## ScottL (Aug 5, 2020)

aine said:


> So in your way of seeing, people should have no expectations of their spouse, their friends, their children, their bosses, etc. So where is the relationship? No man is an island and life is messy and people expect to be treated with respect, kindness, I expect my husband to take me to the doctors when I am ill, he expects me to cook for him and provide him with company, listen to him when he is struggling with work, etc. You are saying that we should live as if we are not connected to others, this is more psycho babble. People have needs and one of the purposes of marriage is for the spouse to help feel those needs. We are not yogis sitting under a tree without human interactions


Just because you can't comprehend a totally different way of looking at this does not mean it is psychobabble. Because you can't understand something does not mean it is invalid. You may be trapped in the presumption that I am saying there are no consequences to their actions. Not at all. I just know they are not about me. It is their way of dealing with life. Expectations are resentments waiting to happen. I know at one time in my life I could not comprehend what I am telling you now. I do not expect people to treat me in any particular way. They have their own choice, and I have mine. If they do not treat me how I want to be treated, I will let them know that I do not appreciate it and come to some kind of understanding with them. If they continue, I will need to change how I handle it. So what if your husband does not take you to the doctor. Are you going to get pissed at him and then try to control him with your anger? Or maybe come to some kind of loving agreement with him where you both can work things out. I do not think I can quite explain this in a few sentences to you. Gratitude is a much better place to start than starting with expectations. Expectations cause most of the problems in relationships because what we expect is not what the other actually understands. And most people have not developed a way to deal with it except with resentment, disappointment, and anger. There is a better way to live.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

ScottL said:


> Just because you can't comprehend a totally different way of looking at this does not mean it is psychobabble. Because you can't understand something does not mean it is invalid. You may be trapped in the presumption that I am saying there are no consequences to their actions. Not at all. I just know they are not about me. It is their way of dealing with life. Expectations are resentments waiting to happen. I know at one time in my life I could not comprehend what I am telling you now. I do not expect people to treat me in any particular way. They have their own choice, and I have mine. If they do not treat me how I want to be treated, I will let them know that I do not appreciate it and come to some kind of understanding with them. If they continue, I will need to change how I handle it. So what if your husband does not take you to the doctor. Are you going to get pissed at him and then try to control him with your anger? Or maybe come to some kind of loving agreement with him where you both can work things out. I do not think I can quite explain this in a few sentences to you. Gratitude is a much better place to start than starting with expectations. Expectations cause most of the problems in relationships because what we expect is not what the other actually understands. And most people have not developed a way to deal with it except with resentment, disappointment, and anger. There is a better way to live.


No dude, sorry complete and total PHYSCHOBABBLE... 

And if it worked for you and allowed you go delude yourself, well good for you. 

I am sure that you have everything figured out. But the rest of us don't live this way nor should they...

But I am sure that we mere mortals are not smart enough to understand your astounding brand of wisedome!!!!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ScottL said:


> Just because you can't comprehend a totally different way of looking at this does not mean it is psychobabble. Because you can't understand something does not mean it is invalid. You may be trapped in the presumption that I am saying there are no consequences to their actions. Not at all. I just know they are not about me. It is their way of dealing with life. Expectations are resentments waiting to happen. I know at one time in my life I could not comprehend what I am telling you now. I do not expect people to treat me in any particular way. They have their own choice, and I have mine. If they do not treat me how I want to be treated, I will let them know that I do not appreciate it and come to some kind of understanding with them. If they continue, I will need to change how I handle it. So what if your husband does not take you to the doctor. Are you going to get pissed at him and then try to control him with your anger? Or maybe come to some kind of loving agreement with him where you both can work things out. I do not think I can quite explain this in a few sentences to you. Gratitude is a much better place to start than starting with expectations. Expectations cause most of the problems in relationships because what we expect is not what the other actually understands. And most people have not developed a way to deal with it except with resentment, disappointment, and anger. There is a better way to live.


I get what you are trying to say. It boils down to the fact that you cannot change anyone else, youcan only change yourself and your reaction to others. To say not to have 3xoectations is wrong though. Of course if my H don’t take me to the doctors it’s not a bideal, but if it’s a pattern, it shows he doesn’t care about me and that is a problem.of course I can be resentful, point it out or I can look more closely at our relationship, say this is not meeting my needs and divorce him? Surely you cannott say I just resign myself to his lack of consideration and move along? That suggests that others in our lives have no agency? So yes it sounds good on paper but not real life. Real life is messy.


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## ScottL (Aug 5, 2020)

aine said:


> I get what you are trying to say. It boils down to the fact that you cannot change anyone else, youcan only change yourself and your reaction to others. To say not to have 3xoectations is wrong though. Of course if my H don’t take me to the doctors it’s not a bideal, but if it’s a pattern, it shows he doesn’t care about me and that is a problem.of course I can be resentful, point it out or I can look more closely at our relationship, say this is not meeting my needs and divorce him? Surely you cannott say I just resign myself to his lack of consideration and move along? That suggests that others in our lives have no agency? So yes it sounds good on paper but not real life. Real life is messy.


Yes, Life is messy. And yes we are human and have been raised in this society. And most of us have not been raised to take full responsibility for our own lives. Yes maybe I am stating an idea that is foreign to most. Most people think they are responsible but when it comes to relationships we avoid having heart to heart and truly heartfelt conversations. We think we have to impose our opinions and that we are right. And when the other person can't grasp what we are saying then angry and more disconnected. And yes we have to weigh our decisions on multiple variables. I am asking people to move to a higher identity; without feeling resentment, without feeling anger, and without feeling betrayed. And this takes learning, trial and error, and spiritual growth. Yes if you believe someone does not care about you then you need to accept your belief or work with them to see if you are perceiving things correctly and work from there. And yes if in the end they are on balance not meeting your needs and they refuse to actually grow with you, yes get a divorce. But the real truth is if you do not work on yourself, you will take the same person into the next relationship and have the same issue.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

As long as you have an attorney, you just need to tell him/her everything and not lie just because it might make you look a certain way. You need a divorce. You need to to get that legal separation of funds asap because she is spending money. I don't think you will come out on the wrong end of giving her that money since it's tied to the house, but you need to get the legal proceedings underway so she can't dip into other funds. 

This isn't working. Face it and get out. You are not going to get anywhere leaving that door open to her except possibly used from time to time. She has mentally left the marriage. Make it official. Once separated, it's not cheating, if she is. She tried and can't adjust to being with you anymore.


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