# confused like most



## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

short version of a long story..been married to my husband for 5 years together for 7. No children together. we were best friends and lovers. Never any major problems. One day he comes home and says he isn't in love with me any more. He still loves me, but not as much as when we got married. He was packed and gone in a hour. I didn't have any contact with him for about 40 days. Then his mom was in a bad wreck and he needed me to pick his kids up from school. So now I have been talking to him daily for the past week. I love him and didn't want this separation. I found out that he started seeing someone 2 weeks after he left. This woman was killed in the car wreck his mom was in. Now he keeps telling me I am still his best friend and needs someone to talk to about his feelings from the wreck. He knows I love him and would take him back in a second. He keeps telling me he doesn't know if he wants to be married to me or not, but if I stop talking to him (I told him it was to painful to talk to him) he won't be able to decide if he wants me or not. He says it's a 50/50 chance! I am loosing my mind. I have read the 180 and I starting trying to follow it today. How do I stop loving him and praying for him to come back. Yes I am in therapy.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

1. Realize he's a LIAR. He did NOT start seeing her 2 weeks after he left. He was already seeing her; THAT's why he 'suddenly' for no apparent reason left without warning. He was already cheating on you (emotionally if not physically.)

2. How can he be your best friend? You may, indeed, be HIS best friend, but HE IS NO FRIEND TO YOU. He is USING YOU to feel better about jumping ship and running to a woman who ended up dead almost immediately after he abandoned YOU for HER.

He doesn't want to talk about his feelings from the wreck, he wants to talk about how much he FELT for this woman, this home-wrecker. He wants to talk about the dreams he had of a future with HER (not YOU). He wants to talk about how cheated he feels by life...cheated out of a future with HER. Apparently, cheating you out of the future he promised and you both were building on bothers him NOT AT ALL.

So now he's threatening you: If you DON'T listen to me wax poetic about the dearly departed girlfriend I was having sex with instead of YOU, then I don't know if I can decide whether or not I'll give YOU another chance to let YOU sleep with me and cater to my needs. 

WOW, who could pass up such a generous offer?

A: Don't talk to me about dead girlfriend and I DEFINITELY won't go back to living with you, sleeping with you now that she is no longer your competition.

B: Talk to me about dead girlfriend and there is STILL ONLY A 50/50 chance that I will go back to living with you, sleeping with you now that she is no longer your competition. And in the meantime while I make up MY MIND, you have to be there for ME.

Could this guy seriously be ANY MORE SELFISH?

[He's starting to make MY jack-azz STBXH look good -- and that is practically impossible to believe!]


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

He lacks any empathy or heart to talk to you this way! He's shown his true colours twice now. 
Love is not everything to base a marriage on...it's also about respect and kindness, and he does not respect you to be playing on your mind by saying crap like 50:50! It's a shockingly insensitive way to treat a person. Find someone with a heart.


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

thank you both for your replies, you have both given me things to think about. It is strange my mind knows everything you both said is soooo true, but my heart is screaming "but I love him". I wish I could just turn my feelings off.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

No, you don't love HIM (you just agreed with our VERY unflattering opinions of him). 

YOU LOVE who you THOUGHT he was.

YOU LOVE what you THOUGHT your life was going to be.

YOU LOVE the DREAM of WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN (but which actually never will be.)


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

:iagree:

SlowlyGettingWiser....You are very wise  Thanks and feel free to keep posting, because I need all the help I can get!!!! LOL


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

He's using you for free therapy and sex. He WILL leave you for someone else once he is sufficiently recovered from the grief.


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## fertileground (Sep 22, 2012)

"No, you don't love HIM (you just agreed with our VERY unflattering opinions of him).

YOU LOVE who you THOUGHT he was.

YOU LOVE what you THOUGHT your life was going to be.

YOU LOVE the DREAM of WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN (but which actually never will be.) "

Slowly Getting Wiser---thank you so much for these words. I needed to hear this also. And- I need to remember this, so I just copied and pasted it to a word.doc to continue to remind myself when I am feeling down.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

moxy said:


> He's using you for free therapy and sex. He WILL leave you for someone else once he is sufficiently recovered from the grief.


It's called being Plan B


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

STBXH texted me today asking why I haven't talked to him lately. I ended up responding with, you were supposed to text me when you got home from the hospital a few nights ago. He says in that case I'm sorry, I have been going crazy with all the crap going on, and forgot to text you. So I of course responded with wow, that makes me feel great! How do you forget to text your WIFE!! Any way I told him I will not be his friend. I am his wife and because he doesn't want me to be his wife right now, that he needs to stop texting, e-mailing and calling me. I said if something drastic happens with his mom that I would appreciate him letting me know. But other than that DO NOT contact me, unless it is to inform me he has filed for divorce. He says ok I understand. He has called 3 times and e-mailed once since then! What the *Bleep* is going on.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

As someone who's been through this emotionally draining counselling-the-adulterous-ex-while-they-string-you-along tactic, I can tell you right now the way to deal with this is the same as cancer. Early detection and removal before it kills you sowly and painfully. 

He's looking for sex and counselling like other's have said, but the thing is he won't respect you no matter how loving and supportive you are. He had an affair because he was bored and lost respect for you because you loved him no matter what he did. That's right, the more you wante him the less he loved you.

To be honest I think the best route is to cut him out of your life for 2-6 months and let him decide if you were worth leaving or everything he took for granted. Odds are he will chase you endlessly during this time, but it's up to you to decide if you can forgive him for this or do better. Just because you liked his personality in the beginning doesn't mean his character is worth spending the next twenty years together. 

I'll tell you what I've told the other women who lost their husbands and eventually reconciled....... Let the baby have his bottle while you enjoy your life. Meaning take your time to relax and deprogram from his love and do some of the things you always wanted to do like skydiving or dancing lessons..... no affairs please, you don't want to burden your conscious with any more sh!t than what you're already going through.... and you're not likely to find a man who will stick with you through all of this or for more than a year post divorce.


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

update, I e-mailed my STBXH to ask about his mom (car wreck), told him I put in a change of address for him and his 2 kids, and to let him know I had mail for him. I also told him I have a meeting with a divorce lawyer on Nov 9th. He responded back with..your going to a divorce lawyer. I said yes, you still want a divorce don't you? He said yeah...I guess. I replied back with what do you mean you guess. He said, I have been so confused lately I still don't know what I want. I said, what spending all that time with HER didn't help you make up your mind? (he is seeing another girl) He sent me another message and I didn't reply (I was busy). I replied later that day. He says I'm sorry I upset you, I was like you didn't, he says well I thought you were upset it took you so long to reply. I told him I was busy and that there wasn't anything to be upset about. He said I thought you were upset I said I still wanted the divorce. (this is where I was kinda mean) I said well I was upset, I was hoping you would say you didn't want the divorce, sent the message and waited a few minutes. I then sent a message saying, Because I wanted to tell you tough Sh*t your getting one any way. He told me I was mean. LOL I know childish but it felt good.


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