# Should I just forget about it?



## apere (Feb 20, 2013)

Hey everyone so I am just looking for a little bit of advice from some outside opinions. I have been with my significant other for four years now. Before we met he had another long term relationship of 7 years (4 of them in high school 3 of them in college). They were also engaged for a year. Their break up was not messy, they just realized that they weren't meant for each other.
At the beginning of our relationship I wasn't too bothered by the fact that they would still talk, even though I thought it was a little odd. But after our relationship got serious, and we moved in together I let him know that it was starting to bother me. This was especially true because she would call at all hours of the day and night (normally I would know of at least once or twice a month) and sometimes I would see text messages from her that would say "babe" or stupid things like "rawr."
I got to the point where I was so fed up with it that I gave an ultimatium of me or her. He told me that he wouldn't talk to her anymore and that he would tell her to quit calling. This was good for a while but she would end up calling and his excuse would be that he couldn't control her. 
We ended up moving 3 hours away from my family for his new job and then soon after got engaged. I hadn't seen or heard from her for over 6 months and things were great. Then one day he left his phone home when he went to work. I didn't even have to go through it because she called him while I was sitting next to it!!! I confronted her and she told me that they had never quit talking and she knew that he was lying to me about it. But she also said that they never did anything inappropriate and that she knew how much he loved me, and that quite often that talked about our relationship and how happy he was. (which of course is what he said as well) They only talked because they had been friends for so long and were just trying to catch up and she is also kind of a train wreck so he feels sorry for her.
After that we had a huge fight, he changed his phone number and told me that he would never talk to her again because it wasn't worth it because of how badly he hurt me. 

Please, please, please I want to believe them so badly but I have this gut feeling that I am being a complete idot. I should have prefaced this by saying this is the only man that I have ever loved and been with we are planning a wedding, buying a house, and doing so many happy things. But now I have no self esteem and I really hate this girl and him even for what they did and that is not the kind of person that I am. 

Help, Please?


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Forget about it? No.

Let him know that it bothers you and that is should stop?
Hell yes.

I would also make sure he's not hiding contact to her through his new cell number.
Get a VAR... or at the least, a key logger for his pc.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Catch up? With what? They really haven't been apart long enough to have anything to "catch up" on. 

You are asking for decades of heartache if you go through with this wedding as things stand. Your bf is exhibiting signs of immaturity. From what you've posted, I don't think there's enough evidence of a physical affair - unless he's been taking trips to her town. 

But apere, the emotional connection is there. It doesn't matter one iota if he is talking about how sweet you are. He has no business telling her anything. 

He's the only man you've ever loved. Okay. What is your loved based on? 
Trusting him with your heart?
Loyalty?
His devotion to you?

None of these seem to be present at a time when they should be very evident. So, if it's none of these what then? Right now you have an image of a marriage you want. With a man you think you know. IMHO your image and your reality are miles apart. 

If you were my daughter I would urge you to reconsider your plans with this man. 

What's the rush. 

Marry in haste, repent in leasure.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Doing some quick math you are around 30? You still have time to find another. Make sure he knows he CAN be replaced (as opposed to WILL)

He needs to give you complete transparency as he LIED to you. Agree it looks not like a PA (at about only 15% chance I would say)

You have ONE woman for intimacy in your life once exclusivity is agreed on. ALL others are subverted to that agreement. (And vice versa)


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## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

It sounds like his ex is an awesome manipulator and your man changed his number to have some control over the situation. He may have been trying to get "rid of her" also... true love prevails and he is coming home to you afterall, right? 

It is up to him to clear the air and recognize how you feel about it and he needs to let you know where it's at. Maybe there is a reason for her to want to maintain contact for some reason you don't know of. Only he has the answers. You need to talk to him about it and see if there's anything you're missing and to see what his plan is.

I'd suggest counseling...


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

You love him so much, Yes? I hate to tell you this then. You can marry him and do the fancy wedding, white picket fenced house and car, 2.5 kids fantasy but here's the reality...She is a tick he can't seem to rid himself of, and you are going to go through life with "it". At least, you might get 50% of every asset, in the end. If you are good with that, then keep loving him more than you love yourself. Just promise me, you won't work too hard, do get ear plugs for his snoring (cause that can prematurely age you), keep fit and avoid having kids for a little while. Take great care of yourself so that in the end, her boots (which he can't seem to stop wearing) won't be walking all over you.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Put the wedding and all other plans on hold until he straightens himself out.

Have him block her number to the extent possible on the phone, block her email, block her on Facebook.

Have him handwrite her a no contact letter. It should say that he is with you now, you are the love of his life, and he has no desire to speak with her again, so she should not contact him again, and if she does contact him, he will file harassment charges against her. Then he gives you the letter and you mail it certified mail to her.

After he told you he ended it with her, he and her had a secret relationship that you knew nothing about. Rather than face up to you like a man and say that he still wanted to talk to her and he saw nothing wrong with it, he lied to you like a coward to avoid a fight and then continued doing it anyway. He sounds like a child - that is something a child would do.

When you get married, you have a right to know where you stand in the relationship. That's what the engagement period is for - to find out if you're suitable for each other for marriage, to make sure that you both agree on what is acceptable behavior and what is not.

I don't know what him being your first love, buying a house, or planning a wedding have to do with the behavior you describe. It should not make the behavior any easier to overlook because you find it easier to overlook and continue on with your plans. Your relationship is falling apart and you just want to ignore it? 

If you are decorating the first floor of your house to make it perfect and the second floor of your house catches fire, you do not ignore the fire. You get out and delay the decorating until the fire is put out and cleaned up.

You don't overlook this type of behavior because it is convenient to do so. Your relationship is on fire. Put out the fire and clean it up before you continue.

That means he gives you all passwords to the means he used to communicate with her and lets you check up on him, and he sends her the no contact letter. If she calls, he ignores it and tells you about it. Six months with no contact and then you consider if you want to move forward with your plans.

I understand that this was not a sexual affair but it was a secret relationship nonetheless and they BOTH knew that it was secret from you. He had no secrets from her, but he did have a secret from you. If that doesn't bother you, I don't know what will.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Gut feelings....

Listen to em. The others are right. You have got to get to the bottom of this before you say I do.


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

I agree with Sinnister! When I first found out about my STBXH affair, he pocket dialed me at work and left a 3 min message of him and his married AP talking. I confronted him about it and he lied his azz off. He made me think I was horrible for even imagining he would screw me over. They were "just friends" blah blah blah. So I let it go, or attempted to let it go. And my gut wouldn't let me. So I found evidence. 

I am not implying he's cheating...but if your gut feeling won't let you relax, it's worth investigating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Catch up? With what? They really haven't been apart long enough to have anything to "catch up" on.
> 
> You are asking for decades of heartache if you go through with this wedding as things stand. Your bf is exhibiting signs of immaturity. From what you've posted, I don't think there's enough evidence of a physical affair - unless he's been taking trips to her town.
> 
> ...


:iagree: excellent advice!


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

OP,

You have some great advice here. I have lived something similar for 27 years. It eats at me to this day. If you want to make this work you must have more time to be sure this is nipped in the bud (6-12 mos). If it ever happens again (engaged or married) you have to walk. Period.


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## brightlight (Feb 18, 2013)

apere said:


> Please, please, please I want to believe them so badly but I have this gut feeling that I am being a complete idot. I should have prefaced this by saying this is the only man that I have ever loved and been with we are planning a wedding, buying a house, and doing so many happy things. But now I have no self esteem and *I really hate* this girl and *him* even for what they did and that is not the kind of person that I am.
> 
> Help, Please?


This isn't a good start to a marriage.

He has really broken your trust in him with the second episode where he said he was going to break contact but didn't. Seems to me he thinks he can fob you off with lame excuses.

It isn't necessarily over, but like others have said you should delay marriage until you are sure this has been put to bed. That is if you really think he is worth it.

Make sure you let him know the reasons you are not going to roll over. Let him know he is on probation. 

In the meantime be subtly vigilant.


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## WTHiswrong (Feb 18, 2013)

Not the way to start ur life together. Trust is the foundation for everything and urs is broken. He's got some work to do.


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