# What is this?



## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

A cover up? Suddenly today my husband responded to my text and called me at lunch out of the blue "to tell me he loved me"... think he knows I am on to him and this is simply an attempt to shut me up? confuse me, make me feel everything is hunky dory? Or do you think my acting last night like nothing was wrong, through him through a loop? 
Is this normal of a fence sitter? Can someone describe a fence sitters behavior for me? I asked in my other post, but i think it is lost in the mix.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Its all a part of the cheaters script. 

Guilt, plain and simple. Nothing more, nothing less. It has nothing to do with you or your feelings, he is only saying that stuff to make him feel better about his not so savory actions. 

"Fence sitting, sitting on the fence, sitting on a fence, are all terms for someone who refuses to make a decision. Usually it describes someone who will not take a stand on two very defined and clearly opposing options/opinions. "


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> Its all a part of the cheaters script.
> 
> Guilt, plain and simple. Nothing more, nothing less. It has nothing to do with you or your feelings, he is only saying that stuff to make him feel better about his not so savory actions.
> 
> "Fence sitting, sitting on the fence, sitting on a fence, are all terms for someone who refuses to make a decision. Usually it describes someone who will not take a stand on two very defined and clearly opposing options/opinions. "


Thank you... and you are right he must feel guilty. I met the woman last night... she was very raw/rude/careless towards me, and very blatant about touching my husband, and saying things with me right there. He probably feels bad... 
Aw poor him.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Have to say in all the many adulteries committed by my wife I never had to actually endure that in front of me 
.
That would be enough for me

I know we are all different but how on earth do you manage to sit there whilst she's doing that in front of your own eyes and not hit the roof - front them both out, say something, take her aside and or him aside and say something - christ

As for your other half is he worth it ? sitting there and taking that from another woman in front of you who is probably fking his brains out and he sits there and simply laps it up in front of you 

I know I have been stupid in dealing with my own situation but that is one where I know exactly what I'd do 

....and it would not be nice


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

livelaughlovenow said:


> Thank you... and you are right he must feel guilty. I met the woman last night... she was very raw/rude/careless towards me, and very blatant about touching my husband, and saying things with me right there. *He probably feels bad... *
> Aw poor him.


I doubt it. It was probably a huge rush to smear that in your face. Perhaps he only felt bad because you and his OW didn't break out into a cat fight.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Headspin said:


> Have to say in all the many adulteries committed by my wife I never had to actually endure that in front of me
> .
> That would be enough for me
> 
> ...


You know I have no idea if they have physical anything.. but who knows? My thing is I am a lady of class, and we were at a function, it was not the time or the place to say what was really on my mind, which would've been out of the mouth of a demon and not my normal christian demeanor..... I still keep replaying it in my head.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

SaltInWound said:


> I doubt it. It was probably a huge rush to smear that in your face. Perhaps he only felt bad because you and his OW didn't break out into a cat fight.


Could be, because he knows how I normally would've reacted, I have said worse but the environment did not call for me to say anything... besides he is a grown man, he should've in my opinion said something and he didnt. I am doing the 180 and we will see where it leads...
Project today ended at 4.. he didn't get home until 6:20 no phone call, no text, nothing. **** it. I'm sick of it. Then he did something tonight totally unrelated but just really showed his selfishness, and that he did not want to be at the house... that's cool, he can do as he likes, I'm going to prepare and start squireling and when he asks me for something I'm going to tell him to get a job. I'm just doing what the 180 says and not talking to him about our relationship, and when I go to bed in a minute because I have to be at the hospital super early with our son.... I'm not saying a word. He tried to hug me when he came home, I pretty much gave him the cold shoulder. He got pissy. Oh well.


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## saadrvb (Jul 10, 2013)

It has nothing to do with you or your feelings, he is only saying that stuff to make him feel better about his not so savory actions.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> You know I have no idea if they have physical anything.. but who knows? My thing is I am a lady of class, and we were at a function, it was not the time or the place to say what was really on my mind, which would've been out of the mouth of a demon and not my normal christian demeanor..... I still keep replaying it in my head.


I'm not attacking you far from it (and yes you dealt with it with great restraint and yes 'class') but firstly 

I'm staggered at the pure front of them both doing that in front of you at a function clearly knowing that everybody would notice it

and for me it would not matter whether they were in anything more substantial anyway - that is a public display of contempt for you that I would never forget nomatter how it all turns out in the end 

He sounds like a complete twat of the highest magnitude

(actually 'twat' over here in the uk is a great word - a bit like 'fvck' but with a slightly darker point if you want it to be in the context. In this case it would be a slightly lighter equivalent of c**t - but not much!)


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Headspin said:


> I'm not attacking you far from it (and yes you dealt with it with great restraint and yes 'class') but firstly
> 
> I'm staggered at the pure front of them both doing that in front of you at a function clearly knowing that everybody would notice it
> 
> ...


Come on HS!, the expression twat doesn't hold a candle to a well aimed use of c**t. I used to have a Pommy boss in Sydney who used twat liberally, but we thought it was akin to being called a d**khead, fun really, we never took any offence, however if you called someone a c**t, and keeping in mind intent, there was always the chance that someone would take deep offence. A nasty word which surprisingly has magical powers in the bedroom for some couples who like to "talk" while getting it on.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

So Update; last night I went to bed without actually saying a word, this am he seemed slightly pissed but then came outside with my while I drank my coffee, I refused to start the conversation. He did 
Also I found out yesterday from my son (as I mentioned in my other posts she hugged every man she saw at the function exception my husband) at the project however, my son has seen them hug (as he says everyday, she is just a hugger- he is young). I only asked him a simple question of if he had seen them together. Children are at the project, which is why I am not sure it's turned physical. However... during our morning coffee, he informed me a new pair of glasses he was wearing were hers. Nice huh. I just ignored the comment. My son has a procedure today... as one friend put it, the man she knew would've made arrangements to be there, as this is a voluntary project, but no, he already committed to it... so off I go on my own. It's all good. I'm getting used to doing things on my own, and am going to start acting like a single Mom with regards to the house and just doing stuff myself (maybe with the exception of his laundry-lol) I think some of the bitterness has worn off and now I am just numb because he attitude the last several days has completely sucked. I was proud of myself as I went to bed, I fell asleep with no issues and as I said did not even say goodnight. I know that got to him.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Wow, you are handling this very well. I'm pretty sure I'd say something by now, especially with the glasses. 

I'm not so sure he has a clue your onto him about this affair. If he had a clue, I would think he wouldn't talk about her or share that he has something personal of hers. Usually men who have affairs try to be secret about it. My ex h only admitted once he had an affair(which was actually with several affairs with several women) during an argument. It quickly shifted to be all of my fault, then none of the affairs ever existed and the failed marriage was all my fault.

I'm thinking he's going to blame you and how your currently treating him is to why he's having an affair. This woman behavior towards you doesn't surprise me. 

I'm really sorry your going through this. Stay strong and keep up with what your doing.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Ignore him.

Go get get your hair done, buy some new clothes and some sexy sunglasses.

BTW: Avoid involving your children, refrain from asking question of them involving his activities. Shield them altogether.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Headspin said:


> Have to say in all the many adulteries committed by my wife I never had to actually endure that in front of me
> .
> That would be enough for me
> 
> ...


Yeah. Been there; done that.

It hurts. But we or rather I got over it. Somehow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Wow, you are handling this very well. I'm pretty sure I'd say something by now, especially with the glasses.
> 
> I'm not so sure he has a clue your onto him about this affair. If he had a clue, I would think he wouldn't talk about her or share that he has something personal of hers. Usually men who have affairs try to be secret about it. My ex h only admitted once he had an affair(which was actually with several affairs with several women) during an argument. It quickly shifted to be all of my fault, then none of the affairs ever existed and the failed marriage was all my fault.
> 
> ...


Another alternative is that you've got a man who does not consider anything less than actual sex to be infidelity - or even over the line - for a married man. I had one of those. The out and out dating with OW? Not cheating. The sharing of secrets, inside jokes, overly-familiar touches, hiding the relationship from me? Not cheating. A little kiss here and there? Not cheating. Mostly, he simply considered anything short of sex to be just fine and none of my business. 

Let me say that if you do have one of those, just end it now. You may eventually, after years of begging, marriage counseling, personal therapy, reading, and hard work, get him to say that those things are not okay for married people. But you will never get him to internalize that to the degree that he honestly believes those things are not okay for _him_. A partner with a complete lack of personal and marital boundaries, combined with a disbelief that boundaries are necessary or right, is just a recipe for long-term heartache.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Rowan said:


> Another alternative is that you've got a man who does not consider anything less than actual sex to be infidelity - or even over the line - for a married man. I had one of those. The out and out dating with OW? Not cheating. The sharing of secrets, inside jokes, overly-familiar touches, hiding the relationship from me? Not cheating. A little kiss here and there? Not cheating. Mostly, he simply considered anything short of sex to be just fine and none of my business.
> 
> Let me say that if you do have one of those, just end it now. You may eventually, after years of begging, marriage counseling, personal therapy, reading, and hard work, get him to say that those things are not okay for married people. But you will never get him to internalize that to the degree that he honestly believes those things are not okay for _him_. A partner with a complete lack of personal and marital boundaries, combined with a disbelief that boundaries are necessary or right, is just a recipe for long-term heartache.


I honestly like I said do not think that he gets the emotional part of it, that is the one thing I have asked for in our marriage, but to see him do it with other women repeatedly... makes me numb at this point... like I said not sure anything physical in terms of sex has occurred, but i think you hit on a good point, he doesn't consider these "friendships" cheating. Despite on rare occasion getting pissy with me about a male friend, but not close friend or flirty friend, I don't do that... 
The glasses this morning... honestly, my son has a medical issue and I've been more stressed about that today... but now that he is resting and it is completed... the glasses thing totally irritates me. I don't know if I have been clear about this, but I do not want to be the one to end the marriage out of "theories" of something happening. I want to know. I want his behavior to change, I want him to realize that I feel disrespected, but he should already and I believe does (hence the change in calls/texts yesterday).... Irregardless... I bet he has no clue about what an emotional affair is... I tried to explain it the last time he had one, he didn't get it. It was just a friend, yada yada. So yea definitely have an issue there... but due to 180, can't discuss our relationship right now, until he brings it up. Which he hasn't yet. We will see.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> I honestly like I said do not think that he gets the emotional part of it, that is the one thing I have asked for in our marriage, but to see him do it with other women repeatedly... makes me numb at this point... like I said not sure anything physical in terms of sex has occurred, but i think you hit on a good point, he doesn't consider these "friendships" cheating. Despite on rare occasion getting pissy with me about a male friend, but not close friend or flirty friend, I don't do that...
> The glasses this morning... honestly, my son has a medical issue and I've been more stressed about that today... but now that he is resting and it is completed... the glasses thing totally irritates me. *I don't know if I have been clear about this, but I do not want to be the one to end the marriage out of "theories" of something happening. I want to know.* I want his behavior to change, I want him to realize that I feel disrespected, but he should already and I believe does (hence the change in calls/texts yesterday).... Irregardless... I bet he has no clue about what an emotional affair is... I tried to explain it the last time he had one, he didn't get it. It was just a friend, yada yada. So yea definitely have an issue there... but due to 180, can't discuss our relationship right now, until he brings it up. Which he hasn't yet. We will see.


Then you need to really start digging and finding things out. 

And you can't force him to see things the way you do. Either he does or doesn't. Either he respects you and the marriage enough to end these friendships or he doesn't. I'm guessing he really doesn't.

He knows you will be there no matter what and will never leave. So why should he change? He has never had any consequences for his behavior so why stop?


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> He has never had any consequences for his behavior so why stop?


I guess because I am not sure what consequences to implement for being what he calls "friendly" with other women.... it's only certain women, not all... which is what tips my radar. I've gotten better over the years of determining which "friends" are a problem, and which are not... I think.... 
I'm thinking that the 180 is punishment enough... although I slipped earlier on the phone when he called and said love you after discussing our child, and I said love you too.... 
I am still trying to determine my strategy. I didn't think the 180 was about consequences, but instead, building myself back to normal. Which is what I am doing..... 
Consequences to him.... would be losing me, his lifestyle and every day with his children... should he not change in response to my 180... right? or am I looking at this wrong?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Have you read "Not just friends"?

If not, download it tonight and start. It might help you in your situation.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Horizon said:


> Come on HS!, the expression twat doesn't hold a candle to a well aimed use of c**t. I used to have a Pommy boss in Sydney who used twat liberally, but we thought it was akin to being called a d**khead, fun really, we never took any offence, however if you called someone a c**t, and keeping in mind intent, there was always the chance that someone would take deep offence. A nasty word which surprisingly has magical powers in the bedroom for some couples who like to "talk" while getting it on.


No really h - 'twat' here can have a very nasty rarely used effect. It also has a slightly deeper meaning in different parts of the country - up north it's almost light hearted banter but in the right context can be really hurtful


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