# Am I over-reacting? (long...Sorry)



## njphillyguy (Oct 13, 2009)

I am so glad I found this site. I hope this will be a good support network for what I am going through, but I have to be honest, I am not sure I am over-reacting or not?

Here is the story. I have been married 12 years. My wife is 15 years my senior. I truely deeply love my wife. I think nothing about age in regard to her. We have 2 children 16 (her's from a previous marriage) and 11 (ours together). 

We met on the tail end of her divorce. We were married about a year later. She has confessed to me that she was unfaithful to her previous husband. She has said many times she did not and had never loved him (I believe her and this is an entire story in and of itself). Both of these affairs were with people at her job.

Anyhow, we have had our ups and downs like everyone but I never sensed any "real" issues. I am very active in my children's lives. I coach multiple sports with them and I am on the board of directors for multiple leagues. It eats a lot of our (my) free time along with work. Right now it is football season...our most busy time.

Well, this past week, I hear my wifes phone get a text message. I told her her phone beeped and she went into the bathroom to retrive the message (her pocketbook was in there). About 10 minutes later, I went over to remind of somthing about our son and she nearly bit my head off as I came in (the door was half open). I was a little suspcious of that and asked her later if everything was ok. She said a lady (one of her close friends) at work stayed late due to a problem and wanted to let my wife know that everything got fixed. She was very confident and it did not sound like a lie.

Fast forward to the weekend, I am out helping a friend set up a computer and get home about 9:30pm. My wife is not home. The kids tell me she went to Walmart to get a few things and she left about 10 mins ago. Walmart is 10 mins away. Time ticks by. It is now 11:30pm and I am sitting at home and putting the kids down. She comes home and says "I am beat, I am going to bed" and goes right to bed. This is a big red flag for me. I am like WTF?

Now, I did something wrong here and I know it, but I decieded to check her cell phone. I find multiple text messages (inluding the ones from the other night) to a male co-worker in addition to long phone conversations to the same number (the most recent being 1.5 hours long). The text messages seemed benign except for a few things that made be sick. She used some terms like "baby" & "sweetie" in them. In addition there was a question about being "free for a drink".

I was going to let it go until the morning because she went to bed but could not. I kind of woke her and asked her who this "guy" was. She said she did not know what I was talking about. I asked again..."you don't know a "guy's name"". "No" she says. I leave the room not happy and sit down in another room trying to control myself knowing that she is deceiving me. She comes in and explains that she does know this person and has been talking and texting with him the past week. We go through hours of deep discussion but it is not really productive. She indicates that she is lonely (because we really have not time due to all of the activities) and they are just talking about family and stuff. This guy is divorced and has had some problems with the son and the ex-wife, apparently.

Anyhow, I sleep on the couch that night. The next day I ask for the complete truth. She says it started a few weeks ago when she was out with people from work and he was telling her about all of the problems he was having with the ex-wife, kid, etc... From that point, they have been talking about family, issues, etc...Little stuff here and there. The one thing about my wife is people are very comfortable talking with her because she is a good listener. Anyhow, it kind of progressed to a little more discussion, phone conversations and texting. She claims there was never any intimate feeling or anything (at least for her). She said using the "baby" and "sweetie" terms were her trying to be like she is in person (it is true, she does use the terms sweetie and baby). Anyway, she says she did not tell me the truth because she did not want it to get to what just happened (ironic). 

So here I am with what I believe is the truth. But I wonder, since she lied and decieved me, how can I believe it is the truth? How long and to what extent would it have gone to if I did not find out? Getting together for a drink is bad news (she says it would have been with other co-workers). She says there was not any intimate intentions but can I believe that? I am a wreck. All those thoughts about her past and "once a cheater, always a cheater" come into play. It does not help that it is another co-worker again either. My trust is shaken. What compounds it is I go away for a week to the UK later this month and I wonder what will happen when I am away. 

Half of me feels I am over-reacting because what happened is really not a big deal (texting, talking, etc)....the big deal is the deception and lying. I can handle bad judgment and making a mistake if that is the real truth as she says it is. We are all human and make mistakes. But I cannot help but wonder if I am in real trouble here. 

Thanks for your thoughts on this.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Did you ask her the questions you have asked us here? If so, what has her answer been?

The right answer is that she'll stop talking with this guy. No meeting for drinks. Zip.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Listen to your gut, it is usually correct.


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## njphillyguy (Oct 13, 2009)

dobo said:


> Did you ask her the questions you have asked us here? If so, what has her answer been?
> 
> The right answer is that she'll stop talking with this guy. No meeting for drinks. Zip.


I have. And she has been very remorseful for the deception. She says there was nothing physical or emotional there. She is very clear that she loves me and only wants to be with me. She says it was stupid and wrong, a poor judgement, etc... She says that it had ended with this guy that night (before I confronted her) as she said she was tired of hearing all of his problems when she has her own. I have made it clear that all communication is to end with this guy. I guess time will tell as we heal as a couple.

Thanks for your input.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Ask her to open up her emails and phone to you in order to allay your fears. Her past makes it very difficult to believe her now. She ought to know that.

BTW, my husband cheated twice on his ex-wife, too. So I know exactly how you feel. We both took giant chances on them, in part, against our better judgement. Anything that looks suspicious is going to hit us like a ton of bricks.


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## njphillyguy (Oct 13, 2009)

dobo said:


> Ask her to open up her emails and phone to you in order to allay your fears. Her past makes it very difficult to believe her now. She ought to know that.
> 
> BTW, my husband cheated twice on his ex-wife, too. So I know exactly how you feel. We both took giant chances on them, in part, against our better judgement. Anything that looks suspicious is going to hit us like a ton of bricks.


Agreed with the ton of bricks and better judgement part.

She did delete all of her phone call history and text messages from her cell phone after our "conversation" (I was being bad and snooping again). I don't know if that is to clear it all out and start over or to cover her tracks... The other issue is she works with the guy (although on different shifts) and I cannot monitor her workplace. Her workplace is poisen in my opinion. 

Thank you for all of your input.


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

I think she OWES you the possibilty to look at her texts and email. She was starting to at least emtionally cheat on you and now has to work to gain your trust back. No contact with him and showing you this is true will help you gain that trust. If she is not willing to do this, I would be very careful...


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