# Not so sure.



## Too Little Too Late? (Sep 2, 2012)

I am a separated father of 3 . Married for 13 years. I am trying to repair a marriage that has gone sideways. Separated 2.5 years she told me 2 months ago she wanted a divorce. It made me realize that I still loved her and would do whatever it took to keep her. I have been depressed since childhood and had a hard time allowing myself to connect to myself much less her. She is a yeller which since the beginning of our relationship ha caused me to pull away because it makes me feel like ****. We haven't had a emotional connection in a very long time.This has hurt her very badly. I have known her for 22 years and we have always been in love with one another. I turned to drinking to keep my distance rather than turning to her because I didn't trust that she would take care of me. That it would make me weak, not a man. I have been in therapy 2x per week since she told me and have been working on my issues. read a book called "i don't want to talk about it" about covert depression. It was me to a tee. i have apologized and begged. Been a "new man..she sees it but doesn't trust it. She has all the signs of a MLC. Drunk every night, dating a guy that has no potential etc. Has had a nervous breakdown that has had me with the kids for over a month. We normal split time. She is normally an amazing mother.. said she needed to work on herself and couldn't handle the kids but has used the time to get drunk and hang out with this new guy. She and all of her friends say is is a "dumbass" She has said she would never introduce him to the kids etc. Says her heart is dead and needs space to think. All of our friends and family want us to make it work. She says she wants her family back but is afraid that if she opens up to me is afraid that I will laugh in her face, hurt her again. I do love her dearly and want to make it work and feel like I have said and done everything I can. She still doesn't trust me,with her heart. has been giving me mixed signal. texts etc. now says her therapist says we need a break while she mourns. I have been very supportive even telling her that I loved her unconditionally in spite of her being with another man. I know she still loves me, I want it to work. But I can't do it alone.

Any advice?


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## BeYou (Aug 17, 2012)

Separated for 2.5 years but didn't realize until 2 months ago that you love her?

What was the separation like? We're you living apart but still playing the role of a couple?

This is a tough situation. I am in a similar spot, although my W hasn't ditched the child for a month...but she did start seeing someone immediately, and goes out and drinks far too much.

I don't know if there is much we can do man. They need to have a realization themselves at some point.

I wish you luck, but it isn't clear what your recent history has been like, or what level of communication you two currently share.


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## Too Little Too Late? (Sep 2, 2012)

Im sorry to her it. it sucks.We had been acting like a couple( sometimes) during the sep i would stay over (no sex) we would do things with the kids etc. Even went on a few uneventful dates. I have always loved her but have been scarred by a childhood with a lack of connection that didn't allow me to trust that she really loved me. She is a yeller and instead of realizing that she was in pain when she yelled and that is wasn't about me. It took it took as a confirmation that I was the piece of **** I thought i was. Thus creating a wall 13 years deep.She asked me to come back a year ago. I was just too scared to go back to they way things were . We hadn't seat with any of our ****.When she dropped the d bomb I knew I needed to deal with my own ****. Depression alcohol, fear of connection etc. I apologized for everything, stopped drinking and have been bending over backwards to show her I've changed..she sees it but says she can't trust it. That she is too scared to open her heart to me again.It felt like we were making progress. She said that she wanted us back our family back but couldn't get over the hurt yet. that she was trying so hard, but that it would take time. Just last week she texted after we met for coffee that my smell was all over her, and that she liked it. texted me..love you..thanks for loving me.then she met with her therapist for the 1st time in months and she told her to cut off communication. that she was mourning. that is when her friend told me about this other guy. I knew about him but she had said every time it came up that they had dated but that she wasnt in a space to date. that now they were just friends..lying. feels like the rug got pulled out again. now were are back in limbo. not talking about anything other than the kids. it feels like ****. i am going to 180 but think she will like it. after 22 years of knowing her. being her best friend, it feels so empty. what can't she love me for the man i am today?


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## Too Little Too Late? (Sep 2, 2012)

At 41 does she really want to start over with 3 kids. would it be better to try. why can't she see that I've changed that I want to be the man she deserves? feel like I am doing everything I can..but its not enough. Have been doing the 180 for a week now and it feels so empty. I even told her i didn't care about the other guy that I wanted her to be happy. that she had been there for me thru through times and the I would always be there for her. this limbo..lack of control is killing me. need to move on with my life but it is so hard.


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## Pwrpf01 (May 24, 2011)

my exH was a lot like you guys. He was disconnected, depressed, drank too much.....missed a lot of family time. I said I wanted a D 18 months ago. It was final in June. He has done nothing but completely show me that he wants us to be a family, that he loves me thru thick & thin, etc. It took a lot of arguing, crying, wishy washy feelings (on my end) before I finally came to a realization that I can be happy & in love with this (new and improved) man again. Is it too late for him?? Idk. We both have dated & slept with other people - but we keep falling back to talking to each other. I think that's how I realized that I wasn't done.

I kept telling him to stop trying, to leave me alone......but in the end, I guess I'm glad he didn't. It showed me that he wasn't gonna give up on us until he was completely exhausted and drained from it.


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