# My Life Back Then



## creeo (Jul 31, 2011)

5 years ago my husband and I separated....... here we are, still separated. He lives with someone else, our assets have been divided, I own my own new home and have had a few serious relationships since then. I stumbled across my blog today, the most recent post written a long time ago and I am amazed at how my life has changed. Life does get better, reading where I was then and where I am now. The realization of the reality of my marriage and the resolve to make my own life has been a long journey..... but I survived, and not only survived but I thrive. I have become an incredibly strong, independent woman who will never have my heart be in that heartbreaking limbo ever again. Life does get better, and not only better but wonderful without your spouse. I'm posting the words in that blog so people can see what you can accomplish. We are our own greatest loves, I hope this brings people some clarity. I was there, in that horrible pain and now I'm here. Loving life and everything it has brought me.

"How is it possible to love someone so much it hurts? How is it possible to want to hang on to something with the tightest grasp, knowing you need to let it go? How is it possible to want someone who has so clearly found another and who no longer wants you in their life? These are the questions I ask myself everyday.
It has now been over 6 months since we've been separated. A month with no contact, aside from a facebook poke. I needed this past month to try and start healing. I found it easier to not expect a call, a text, a hug or even a smile. Not seeing him at all has been easier than seeing him knowing he'll never be mine again. Last night was the first time I've laid eyes on him in a month and that amounted to a wave, yet my heart still raced, I've realized how much I still love that man. 
I am trying to move on, I really am..... I've signed up for some dating sites, met a few nice people (and some crazies to boot) and now have friends trying to set me up. I know I need to do this. Maybe finding somebody else will help me finally get over him. I go out with friends, have an amazing time and I'm so over the crying, but there's still that part of me that wants nothing more than to have my old life back. I never thought the grass was greener on the other side, I just needed to take better care of my own lawn I guess. Is it fair to start dating others while my heart is so clearly unavailable? "It's just dating", everyone says and I guess they're right. I'm not looking to replace anyone in my life just looking to add some happiness. The opportunity has presented itself lately, in many forms, but I just can't seem to take that next step. That makes me so angry with myself. My pride tells me, "If he can move on so easily, so can I", but my heart tells me different.
I've made some changes in my life. Big ones- losing 40 lbs, gaining an enormous amount of self-confidence, gained some new friends, got rid of some old, and have prided myself on being a terrific Mom (it must be working, I have the best kid in the world). Smaller ones- scored a beautiful, free couch, did some furniture moving around, learned how to do some jobs around the house, tried to line dance (not a pretty sight) and I smile at everyone I see. All these are good changes, changes that I needed to make whether I'm single or not. But there's some changes I still can't seem to make. I can't pack all his clothes up and call him to come and get them, I can't buy a new pillow to replace his on the bed, I can't get rid of that fish tank that he always took care of, and I can't even take the rest of his stuff out of the medicine cabinet. I guess I still consider this his home, and I'm not ready to remove him from my life completely, he's been in it for way too long. I'm sure it will all come in due time, but for now I'm keeping these little things the same.
One day, he won't be the last thing on my mind as I fall asleep, he won't be the one I want to call when our hockey team has made a big trade, he won't be the one who's arms I need around me when I've had a bad day...... one day, but not today.
I still love that man.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Kudos to you for the strides you have made in your life to date.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Inspiration for those bad days that seem so long.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

:smthumbup:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

And here we are saying goodbye to a life, whatever the timeframe of it was, on to the next chapter. It's scary whether we are the leaver or the left. The more we visualize the new, we let go of the old. Sadness to the death of one life, joy in the new and exciting life. In the end, it's all about the adventure!! You are doing great! Dude


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## av8tordude (Jun 23, 2015)

5 years later??? Would you be incline to help me to understand your mindset. If he's living with the OW (presumably in a serious relationship), you've had a few serious relationship, and all assets have been divided, why haven't either of you move forward with a legal divorce. After 5 years of separation, there can't be much love or animosity left for each other. If you have children together, I'm sure there can't be much drama there either. I may wrong to say this, but how can you say your life has gotten better and you are not living in limbo? It seems you've only adapted to the life you living now. How can you start a new chapter in your life when you haven't finish the old chapter.

"A broken vase with a lost piece will never be whole again." Does it make sense to replace the vase, especially if a piece is lost or destroyed?

Would it be fair to the OM if he is the reason you get divorced so you can married the OM?

I really applaud your monumental strides to improve your life, but time was on your side. You still have a much travels ahead of you to reach the end of your journey.


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## creeo (Jul 31, 2011)

Neither one of us has taken the path of divorce.....as of yet. I don't need a signed document to move on with my life. We are still friends, but don't speak about the divorce. I don't know how to explain it. I can't afford it and he hasn't filed. I know there's no future for us...... yes, I'm still technically a married woman..... but love and happiness far outweigh the legalities. the ball is in his court.


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