# Husband does not shower or brush his teeth



## Trouble88 (Jun 21, 2014)

My husband of 10 1/2 years rarely showers or brushes his teeth. I make him do at least once on the weekend, but when he is at work I have no idea. He is in the military so he has PT throughout the week as well. Not so sure he showers after PT. There are quite a few problems with our marriage as it is right now, but the lack of hygiene bothers me so much I actually have high blood pressure because of it. We quit sleeping in the same bed a couple years ago when he got back off of one of the many deployments. I used the excuse that it was because of the cpap machine that constantly blows cold air on my neck. Which is actually true, so I do not know if everyone else would consider it an excuse. Also we have very different schedules and I am a super light sleeper. Anyway, I am so unattracted to him because of the hygiene issue I do not even want him to touch me. We would be considered in a sexless marriage at this point, only a few times this year. And that was only because I felt it was my wifely duty. We spent the first year of our marriage in different states so I did not know that he had a lack of hygiene until after we started to live together. I have talked to him about it and he shrugs and says I don't care or I don't know why I have a lack of hygiene. i have even talked to his parents about the problem asking if he has always been this way, they said once he got to be about 16 or so he started being that way. Also a little insider, he is a major introvert who only pretty much leaves the house for work and then he sits on his PC and games most of the time. like I said, we have a whole lot of other issues. i have been thinking about leaving him lately. i want to try marriage therapy. I have been going personally to try to work things out, but he needs to go as well. He finally said he would go, but it is up to me to find the therapist to go to. The therapist I have been going to asks why we are not having sex and when I tell her she says she understands, but now I am going to have to explain all of this again and with him there. I am just feeling so trapped. has anyone else dealt with a situation like this and were you ever able to work it out and get some of the attraction back? And get the spouse to take care of their hygiene?


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## lovelost2soon (Aug 9, 2014)

Try showering together lol you may get him to shower atleast three times a week


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Oh for goodness sakes! You did not get high blood pressure because your husband stinks!

Be honest with him. Tell him if he wants you back in the bed with him he has to shower, shave and brush his teeth every night before bed. Buy him scented soap, buy him a clean smelling deodorant and buy him some nice cologne that turns you on.

As far as the CPAP goes, my husband has one too. Make sure it's get cleaned every few days. The cold air can be redirected by a pillow or two placed between you.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Trouble88 said:


> We quit sleeping in the same bed a couple years ago when he got back off of one of the many deployments. I used the excuse that it was because of the cpap machine


Why make excuses?

Why not tell him the truth?

Are you afraid of him?

Making excuses isn't going to help the situation. 

Tell him "I no longer sleep with you because you STINK!!"

Is it really that difficult to be honest?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Zanne, while I agree with your sentiment, there comes a time in everyone's lives when they have to speak the hell up!

You know you tend to be passive aggressive and you tend to expect him to read your mind. This is NOT how to conduct a marriage!

Speak the hell up!

"Honey, you stink! Shower shave and brush your teeth or I will stay in the spare room. I tell you this because we are both adults and have to be honest about how we feel."

However, in your case, your husband had had years of you beating around the bush and already had some major resentments of his own. Men really suck at guessing what women want.


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## Trouble88 (Jun 21, 2014)

I should have put this in the first post, or thought that I had. I have talked to him about this MANY times, way to damn many. He is a friggin adult. I buy him everything he needs to care for himself, I always ask his opinions on what he likes and so and so on. So those of you who said speak up, I have. I have been trying to give him many chances, he probably will not change so I really should just hit the friggin road. At this point I actually do not want to sleep in the same bed as him and there are other medical reasons for this not just the hygiene. i have a herniated disc as well as upper GI issues and have to sleep at an upward angle and he has to sleep with his legs up. looked at getting a dual side bed, but unless someone wants to give us about $10K that is not going to happen anytime soon. Anyway, thanks anyways
Oh and the stress of our relationship (even the hygiene) has actually made my blood pressure higher, when he is gone on deployment it is normal


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## Samayouchan (Jun 1, 2012)

Shower together as often as you can. TRUST me. Him seeing you naked will be more than enough incentive to shower. LOL!!!! And then maybe at night when you go to bed, a friendly HEY did you brush you're teeth? Might help! ^^


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How often does he ask you to have sex with him?

If you have told him that the reason you do not want sex with him is his hygiene, and he does not clean up so he can have sex, he does not really want sex with you.

It's probably time for you to leave.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Trouble88 said:


> I should have put this in the first post, or thought that I had. I have talked to him about this MANY times, way to damn many. He is a friggin adult. I buy him everything he needs to care for himself, I always ask his opinions on what he likes and so and so on. So those of you who said speak up, I have. I have been trying to give him many chances, he probably will not change so I really should just hit the friggin road. At this point I actually do not want to sleep in the same bed as him and there are other medical reasons for this not just the hygiene. i have a herniated disc as well as upper GI issues and have to sleep at an upward angle and he has to sleep with his legs up. looked at getting a dual side bed, but unless someone wants to give us about $10K that is not going to happen anytime soon. Anyway, thanks anyways
> Oh and the stress of our relationship (even the hygiene) has actually made my blood pressure higher, when he is gone on deployment it is normal



If this is true,that you've spoken plainly to him about his offensive, not to mention appalling lack of hygiene, and he continues to be disgustingly odorous he IS telling you something important.

What do think that might be?


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

My husband is pretty much the same - he never showers unless I insist. He claims that he actually smells worse in the couple of days after a bath or shower than if he had not showered at all. I change the bed twice a week because the sheets smell and I always insist that he bathes when there are clean sheets on. He will not shower, but only bathe after me, using my bathwater. He claims another reason for not bathing or showering is not wanting to waste water - that just doesn't cut it with me. It's hot summer where we live at the moment and I'm insisting he bathes every other day (I bathe every night before bed). I've pointed out that this non-washing habit is disrespectful to me as his wife and he did take that on board. I've just spent 7 weeks visiting my kids and I think he only bathed twice during that time. He smells awful when you get up close to him and I no longer want to sleep with him. Our bedroom smells of him and the dog (which started sleeping in our room while I was away). I no longer like going to bed at night and keep my distance from him in the bed. We don't really have sex anyway (but that's another story) but he smells so bad that I wouldn't want to have sex with him (although I'm usually desperate for a shag). He did some physical work yesterday and finished at about 4.30 and has been lying down on the bed ever since, making the bedroom smell worse than ever.

Not sure what advice I can offer you. I've seen some suggestions that you invite him to shower with you and that may work. However, not all men are turned on by seeing their wife naked - mine certainly isn't. I know you sleep in different rooms, but if you are the one who changes his bedding, then you can at least insist he showers when the clean sheets are on.


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

I would run from this situation. Really no teeth brushing or showering. Sorry but I actually lol ' when I read this. Honey you can do better than this! How is this man supposed to take care of you if he can't take care of himself?

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Hacker (Jul 14, 2014)

He is a guy, and sometimes we have bad hygiene. I think at this point my wife has just excepted it.

One thing that is interesting though, when my Wife's drive went crazy my hygiene level transformed. Because I always shower before sex.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

you can stand him up outside and hose him off every so often!

get him one of those oral B electric toothbrushes, so that he does a good job on those rare occasions when he does remember to brush!

Seriously, though, how about shower sex. You two in a shower, you scrub brushing his nasty bits until they are squeaky clean...


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

yeah I agree there! But I was just trying to engineer a way for her to get laid once in a while without having to wear nose plugs.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

murphy5 said:


> yeah I agree there! But I was just trying to engineer a way for her to get laid once in a while without having to wear nose plugs.


Yeah, it sounds good in theory and I've done it - but the problem was, I didn't feel so great about myself afterward because I couldn't stand the guy (resentments).

The other part to this is some people really don't like to shower! I'm not sure where that takes place in their psyche, but if the OP's husband is like this, then HE may resent her for making him change his ways when it's uncomfortable for him. Just a thought.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Hacker said:


> He is a guy, and sometimes we have bad hygiene. I think at this point my wife has just excepted it.
> 
> One thing that is interesting though, when my Wife's drive went crazy my hygiene level transformed. Because I always shower before sex.


Sorry, don't buy this. My guy showers every day and brushes his teeth twice a day and I have never once had to ask him to do this. Our ten year old on the other hand, does need some coaxing because he's a kid - not because he's a guy.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

doobie said:


> My husband is pretty much the same - he never showers unless I insist. He claims that he actually smells worse in the couple of days after a bath or shower than if he had not showered at all. I change the bed twice a week because the sheets smell and I always insist that he bathes when there are clean sheets on. He will not shower, but only bathe after me, using my bathwater. He claims another reason for not bathing or showering is not wanting to waste water - that just doesn't cut it with me. It's hot summer where we live at the moment and I'm insisting he bathes every other day (I bathe every night before bed). I've pointed out that this non-washing habit is disrespectful to me as his wife and he did take that on board. I've just spent 7 weeks visiting my kids and I think he only bathed twice during that time. He smells awful when you get up close to him and I no longer want to sleep with him. Our bedroom smells of him and the dog (which started sleeping in our room while I was away). I no longer like going to bed at night and keep my distance from him in the bed. We don't really have sex anyway (but that's another story) but he smells so bad that I wouldn't want to have sex with him (although I'm usually desperate for a shag). He did some physical work yesterday and finished at about 4.30 and has been lying down on the bed ever since, making the bedroom smell worse than ever.
> 
> Not sure what advice I can offer you. I've seen some suggestions that you invite him to shower with you and that may work. However, not all men are turned on by seeing their wife naked - mine certainly isn't. I know you sleep in different rooms, but if you are the one who changes his bedding, then you can at least insist he showers when the clean sheets are on.


What a total deal breaker for me. Seriously, this reply disgusts me. Not you doobie, but your situation. First, I personally can't stand inside dogs, especially if no one is wiping their a$$ with wet wipes after pooping outside. I've heard all the stories of, "their butts are inverted so no poop gets anywhere." Cool story. Every dog we've owned had to be wiped (and yes, there was ALWAYS poop on all the wipes). I guess people would rather just pretend it's okay because the dog wipes his a$$ on the carpet and they don't really see it.

I know dog lovers are intense and will be offended, but I will never get that.

With that being said, your description helped me smell the room and I felt sick reading it. I could smell the room. 

For me, this type of hygiene is an absolute and total relationship ender. Sorry, I just wouldn't live with someone I felt was dirty and disgusting.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I could be way off but it sounds like a control issue or that he's punishing you for something... like passive aggressively. Or it's his way of keeping you away from him so he can avoid intimacy.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Hacker said:


> He is a guy, and sometimes we have bad hygiene. I think at this point my wife has just excepted it.
> 
> One thing that is interesting though, when my Wife's drive went crazy my hygiene level transformed. Because I always shower before sex.


She probably figured that would be the only way you'd shower. Which is why everyone in this thread is suggesting the same.

However, the whole, sometimes we have bad hygiene thing? No, sometimes dirty people are dirty, guy or girl. Clean people are clean. 

I take a shower every time I sit on the toilet. I know better than believing the magic toilet paper totally cleans my ass. No thanks.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

I am the other extreme for sure. Admittedly. My wife's habits rub off on me. She also washes after going number 2.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Trouble88 said:


> Anyway, I am so unattracted to him because of the hygiene issue I do not even want him to touch me.


Can't imagine why.

Just kidding.

So you married him anyway knowing he was like this?

Well all you can do is tell him how you feel. He will either make an effort to change or not. You can't make him. 

And then you can decide whether to tolerate it or not if his poor hygiene stays the same.

I could never be with a man like that. Am a super freak about germs and showers and hygiene. Sex would be off the table with a man like this. ICK! I feel for you, girl!


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

What in the ever-lovin' hell.....? What kind of functioning adult doesn't ****ing BRUSH HIS TEETH or SHOWER!?! How you managed to be 10 years into this is its very own interesting discussion, I'm sure, but I'm here to tell you, I would drop this person like 3rd period French, immediately. I can only imagine what other psychological dysfunctions this hints at, and I damn sure wouldn't stick around to find out.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Zanne said:


> Well, to each his/her own. Germs are all around us. I'm not grossed out by them. In fact, we need exposure to them, but that's a different subject.
> 
> I think either extreme can indicate an issue - not necessarily life altering, unless you a married to a person with those preferences and you can't or won't deal with it.


Not really an issue. I think it's funny when people find out, they always think its weird. Don't really care.

I do not care about germs, or public eating, other's plates, forks, or anything else. My picky area in life is the bathroom, for sure. Public bathrooms, work bathrooms, etc. I like to know my as$, balls, and genital areas are clean. I don't mind being exposed to germs, I mind being exposed to underwear with feces stains. 

But I also do not like dog poop or the animal smell. I have a sensitive nose I guess. It bugs me.


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## Trouble88 (Jun 21, 2014)

There really are quite a few other problems in the marriage besides the hygiene. I do not know how much to go into here, so I will just start writing. First, he is in the Navy, that is how we met. i understand he has to be gone for deployments etc... and so on. He has been in for almost 20 years, will be retiring in a little over a year. He spent his first term on a sub and got out and came back in when he could not make it as a civilian. He did tell me one night when we were having drinks that he was depressed. I thought that was part of the reasoning for the hygiene, which I had read other forums. Anyway, if that is the case than he has been depressed most of his adult life. I told him I am here to listen when he feels like talking and if he could not talk to me then he should seek counseling. He has basically refused due to his parents doing this to him when he was younger. I thought maybe the depression is coming from being in the Navy, but to be honest I think this is just the way he is. He is very much like a man child. Since he is such a major introvert I think him talking to anyone including me is just almost impossible. Now he says he will go, but as always when I ask his opinion on who he would be comfortable seeing he tells me to make the decision. So if we go I feel like I may be the only one who is going to be talking.
One thing you all should know, is that I have remained loyal and faithful to him the entire time. i do not believe in cheating, and if you want to cheat you should get divorced. My first husband cheated on me for over two years. Anyway, I still care about my husband as a friend and he has been a good provider and has let me go to school when I got out of the Navy and I started a pet sitting business ( I go to the clients home not my own home). I feel he has done a lot for me and does not deserve to be screwed over.
OK, so he has also lied to me about some really odd ball things. Like that he had only been with his high school GF before me, but then he tells me other lies later about other stories and situations (very long story) He got a call a couple months ago that he may have a 17 year old daughter from when he was in San Diego. If he had not been with any other women since his HS GF then how the heck that possible. Anyway, that news on top of everything else is kind of the straw that is breaking the camels back here. 
I have always been very blunt and straight forward with him because from the beginning I wanted to be in an equal relationship with someone who knew me and vice versa, not like all the other guys I had been with. I thought he was that guy and now when I look back I think we jumped the gun and we really should have gotten to know one another better before getting married. Cannot change that now, so have to move forward. 
OK, I know that is a lot of info, hope it gives a little more insight on us. Also, i read the post about the one person being very clean, i am too actually. i have OCD and it is all cleaning based. I clean the house constantly and I shower and brush at least once a day. So when he does not shower and brush for 3 or 4+ days I get the heeby jeebies and do not want him to touch me.
He does still make plenty of advances towards me but I usually find a way around it. I really want to leave but feel trapped. I am willing to work on things however out of respect to being married and to him I want to be fair.


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## Trouble88 (Jun 21, 2014)

He actually showered and brushed at least when I was around in the beginning of the relationship, did not find out about the bad hygiene until after being married. I have OCD myself and I am a VERY clean person ha ha


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

ewww now I want a shower and I'm not extreme either way.


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## CafeRed (Mar 26, 2012)

I was encouraged to hear that your husband agreed to go to counseling. That's a huge step. After that recent post you did, it's clear that there are some deeper issues here, and I certainly hope that you both are able to get some help in your marriage. I wouldn't give up hope if I were you. Hopefully you can work together to get to the bottom of these issues and get your marriage on track and in a much healthier place. Hang in there. Blessings to you.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Miss Taken said:


> I could be way off but it sounds like a control issue or that he's punishing you for something... like passive aggressively. Or it's his way of keeping you away from him so he can avoid intimacy.


Yep. Exactly what I was thinking.

My ex H would do this with not brushing his teeth before sex. It grossed me out and I very plainly told him that. He continued to do it as a P-A tactic.


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## bestwife (May 10, 2014)

I still can t believe that your story is really real 
If yes then its really interesting in many ways.. I am really interested what you can do with it!

Fingers crossed


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## asc7 (Aug 12, 2014)

I am really sad about your situation. If you want have a happiness life I strongly advice you to take a decision. If you love him yet, you can act to these:

1- when he want go to bed disgorge one glass water on him body. lol (I think that work don't worry at all.)

2- take a help from one near relative.


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## Trouble88 (Jun 21, 2014)

I wish at this point it was as simple as what I used to do, which was say no sex if you do not shower and brush your teeth. It has gotten so past that point. Now all I can think about is how dirty and nasty he is the rest of the time and it makes me nauseous to even think about sex with him. I also always get some kind of bladder or other infection for the next several days after, even if he showered before hand. I do care about him, I think we are both exhausted right now and I just want to work on me more than anything right now. Getting extra weight off and becoming healthy again. I will need my strength if we do decide to work on it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

asc7 said:


> 1- when he want go to bed disgorge one glass water on him body. lol


:lol: I like this advice


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## asc7 (Aug 12, 2014)

Trouble88 said:


> I wish at this point it was as simple as what I used to do, which was say no sex if you do not shower and brush your teeth. It has gotten so past that point. Now all I can think about is how dirty and nasty he is the rest of the time and it makes me nauseous to even think about sex with him. I also always get some kind of bladder or other infection for the next several days after, even if he showered before hand. I do care about him, I think we are both exhausted right now and I just want to work on me more than anything right now. Getting extra weight off and becoming healthy again. I will need my strength if we do decide to work on it.


I am so sad about that and I hope so every problem will solved. You need some joy I think.:smthumbup:


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## asc7 (Aug 12, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> :lol: I like this advice


:iagree: But I don't love that for myself.


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## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

Does he know his lack of hygeine is putting the marriage in jeopardy? Would he care?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

doobie said:


> My husband is pretty much the same - he never showers unless I insist. He claims that he actually smells worse in the couple of days after a bath or shower than if he had not showered at all. I change the bed twice a week because the sheets smell and I always insist that he bathes when there are clean sheets on. He will not shower, but only bathe after me, using my bathwater. He claims another reason for not bathing or showering is not wanting to waste water - that just doesn't cut it with me. It's hot summer where we live at the moment and I'm insisting he bathes every other day (I bathe every night before bed). I've pointed out that this non-washing habit is disrespectful to me as his wife and he did take that on board. I've just spent 7 weeks visiting my kids and I think he only bathed twice during that time. He smells awful when you get up close to him and I no longer want to sleep with him. Our bedroom smells of him and the dog (which started sleeping in our room while I was away). I no longer like going to bed at night and keep my distance from him in the bed. We don't really have sex anyway (but that's another story) but he smells so bad that I wouldn't want to have sex with him (although I'm usually desperate for a shag). He did some physical work yesterday and finished at about 4.30 and has been lying down on the bed ever since, making the bedroom smell worse than ever.
> 
> Not sure what advice I can offer you. I've seen some suggestions that you invite him to shower with you and that may work. However, not all men are turned on by seeing their wife naked - mine certainly isn't. I know you sleep in different rooms, but if you are the one who changes his bedding, then you can at least insist he showers when the clean sheets are on.


I have no words for how disgusting this is! I am SO sorry!


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## Redfisher (Aug 14, 2014)

Funny, My wife tells me I shower to much.... I like 2 showers a day, Sometimes more if I'm sweaty from my chores.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> I have no words for how disgusting this is! I am SO sorry!


It made me feel Nauseous, and i am not Joking either.

Personal hygiene is SO important..... I mean for god sake how hard is it to wash and to brush teeth...... Why is it so hard to do this, its normal day to day things, well it is for us.

My husband bathes everyday, so do I..... and getting into someones else bath water after........ their dirt clinging to you too....

I could not get into bed at night if my hubby was that bad.....

Sorry if i offend anyone, but i am just being honest


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Redfisher said:


> Funny, My wife tells me I shower to much.... I like 2 showers a day, Sometimes more if I'm sweaty from my chores.


Thanks for sharing.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

I've been reading this and wondering what to say. For the life of me, I don't understand why you stay. Your husband does nothing to deserve you staying at all. You don't have to worry about him talking in counseling, just listening. Tell him that if the marriage is important to him, he will shower and brush his teeth at least once a day. If not, your gone. It's not an unreasonable request, its what the everyone in the civilized world does every day. I'd issue an ultimatum, If you are important to him, he will change. 

That said. I had some friends that were Navy (I'm US Air Force) that would get out of the habit of regular showers when deployed for months at a time. Not an excuse, but just pointing it out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

OP, I really do sympathise with you and I think your plan to concentrate on working on yourself is the best way forward for you. Whether this gives you the tools you need to work on your marital problems or the wherewithall you need to end your marriage and move on, at least you are acting in a positive way in order to improve the situation you're in. 

For me, cleanliness is a turn on. There's something so sexy about smelling a man who is clean (not one drenched in aftershave to mask the icky smells). It means that you can have some great no holds barred sex - every bit of him is clean, so every bit of him is worth exploring.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Interesting to hear this today. I cannot imagine someone not showering for a week. That said, my wife regularly goes three days without showering. I have never commented on it, but I am tempted. 

The funny thing is, she would shower at night. Usually when the kids go to bed. I always used to think of it as a sign that I was going to get some. I would quickly realize that's not what she was thinking. When I made my move, she would say "but I just showered". 

I guess I have to wait until she's dirty?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

lessthennone said:


> Interesting to hear this today. I cannot imagine someone not showering for a week. That said, my wife regularly goes three days without showering. I have never commented on it, but I am tempted.
> 
> The funny thing is, she would shower at night. Usually when the kids go to bed. I always used to think of it as a sign that I was going to get some. I would quickly realize that's not what she was thinking. When I made my move, she would say "but I just showered".
> 
> I guess I have to wait until she's dirty?


Jesus

One thing I love about this forum is it inconstantly reminds me how great I have it and how amazing my wife is.

But I do feel SO bad for so many of you. That's just disgusting. And you didn't have to tell us you don't get none, every 3 days showers already told us that.

yyyyyyuck


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Hell...if I was only showering every second week I wouldn't even be able to stand having sex with myself. :scratchhead:


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

So op..... Has your partner showered and brushed his teeth now....


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