# Married Couples (All Couples Also Welcome) - Need Your Expertise



## Kristina and Raf (Apr 21, 2014)

We are exploring an idea for a project & need your expertise. What are some things you wish you understood right when you got married (think what you would Google i.e. how to talk about money with my husband/wife, how to talk about sex, how to stay faithful but in love with someone else, how not to get a divorce, etc.)? And would you have been interested in reading something like this pre-marital (during your engagement) or only post-marital (after the wedding)?

For engaged couples (and all other,) is this something of interest to you?

Looking forward to reading your responses. :smthumbup:


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

i would have liked to know what a covert contract was before i got married... 

would have made things easier at the start i think.


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

Kristina and Raf said:


> We are exploring an idea for a project & need your expertise. What are some things you wish you understood right when you got married (think what you would Google i.e. how to talk about money with my husband/wife, how to talk about sex, how to stay faithful but in love with someone else, how not to get a divorce, etc.)? And would you have been interested in reading something like this pre-marital (during your engagement) or only post-marital (after the wedding)?
> 
> For engaged couples (and all other,) is this something of interest to you?
> 
> Looking forward to reading your responses. :smthumbup:


All the mechanics and the difference between having a relationship and being married. All the things that change in a marriage and all the things your husband expects from you and all you can expect from him. From my experience there is a huge difference in what a man expects you to communicate, how he expects you to communicate, the level of support and all the interactions. Everything changes in my experience. I truly believe that although is a little odd, the couples need to establish a set of rules "give and take" as I asked my husband at the beginnings of our marriage. We did not do it because he refused saying that a loving relationship needs no rules and well we are in a strange place exactly because of not setting boundaries and expectations.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Kristina and Raf said:


> We are exploring an idea for a project & need your expertise. What are some things you wish you understood right when you got married (think what you would Google i.e. how to talk about money with my husband/wife, how to talk about sex, how to stay faithful but in love with someone else, how not to get a divorce, etc.)? And would you have been interested in reading something like this pre-marital (during your engagement) or only post-marital (after the wedding)?
> 
> For engaged couples (and all other,) is this something of interest to you?
> 
> Looking forward to reading your responses. :smthumbup:


I think ALL couples need a thorough course on Compatibility *in a wide variety of areas.*..open honest communication is vital..even understanding each others temperaments could help so much , love languages..... getting a book like this...while dating, bouncing various scenarios off of each other, exploring their values, beliefs, dreams , goals, dislikes... how insightfully helpful it would be to dig deeper...in understanding each other...

Intellectual Foreplay: A Book of Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be: Books



> his solutions-oriented guide offers problem solving and behavior changing strategies for people working on their most intimate relationships. The book provides readers with:
> 
> Enhanced knowledge of their own and their partners' beliefs, values, habits, desires, goals, likes, and dislikes; ideas for opening communication and deepening a relationship; skills for making healthy decisions about lifestyles and boundaries; an in-depth understanding of the role of self-esteem in relationships; increased ability to let go of the past and embrace the present; and the knowledge that it is important not only to choose the right partner, but also to be the right partner.
> 
> What distinguishes Intellectual Foreplay from similar titles is that it includes guidelines on what to do with the answers it gives. This makes it useful in both creating and sustaining a relationship.


Also I did a thread on compatibility... the things I would teach my own children to learn and fully understand -while dating...resolving conflict is also HUGE... all couples will disagree and have things to sort out... 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ility-b4-vows-beyond-marital-harmony-joy.html

And on top of all of that...these are the 4 things a couple must stay away from ...



> *1*.Criticism- the act of passing judgment as to the merits of anything, faultfinding. No Criticism Please!
> 
> *2*. Contempt- the feeling with which a person regards anything considered mean, vile, or worthless; disdain; scorn. The state of being despised; dishonor; disgrace. The Danger of Contempt
> 
> ...


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

I have been married 17 years. The one thing I regret not doing from the beginning is open communication. A marriage is constantly changing and priorities get shuffled around subconsciously. I wish we would have set a time each day whether it was 20 minutes while cooking dinner or cleaning the kitchen or whenever to talk about our needs. We wouldn't talk about our needs unless it was during an argument and then each other would be closed off. Never just hope that the other knows what we want but work out a compromise. For example, he is feeling ignored and want more sex but you are tired all the time from the kids, chores, etc. A daily ritual of talking to each other and reevaluating your needs and compromises will keep the lines open.


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## cjl (Jan 24, 2014)

Setting boundaries. Setting rules on communication. Most problems are lack of communication.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I wish I had known that it was important to write down and sign or initial any important agreements between the two of us.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

onedge said:


> I wish we would have set a time each day whether it was 20 minutes while cooking dinner or cleaning the kitchen or whenever to talk about our needs.


I think this is a good idea and will try to put this in our marriage. I dont think we need every day but at lease once a month just to check on each other regarding the other's needs.

Before marriage I think it would have been good for us to discuss decision-making.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

onedge said:


> I have been married 17 years. The one thing I regret not doing from the beginning is open communication. A marriage is constantly changing and priorities get shuffled around subconsciously. I wish we would have set a time each day whether it was 20 minutes while cooking dinner or cleaning the kitchen or whenever to talk about our needs. We wouldn't talk about our needs unless it was during an argument and then each other would be closed off. Never just hope that the other knows what we want but work out a compromise. For example, he is feeling ignored and want more sex but you are tired all the time from the kids, chores, etc. A daily ritual of talking to each other and reevaluating your needs and compromises will keep the lines open.


Absolutely agree with this.

When my wife and I married, we were very compatible... same thoughts about kids, finances, sex, politics, religion. But as we grew older and matured (we married young), a lot of differences started to appear. Lack of honest and open communication during these years could have saved us a lot of grief, but we had different styles of communication (or lack of) and that's where we went off the rails.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

The only place me and husband really missed it with each other...was in talking about







...he wanted more but wasn't the type to push, I could try to explain this -and our situation which I have done endlessly on TAM.. (years of infertility -me caring more about his sperm over pleasure -not helping!)...but once we opened that up ...I was almost a little sick on how stupid it was on both our behalves...

I was a bit repressed, didn't understand the antsy NEED of the male sex drive, a little too much into the kids...he was more passive than most men would understand ... had he just caused more of a fuss, been more sexually creative, aggressive / caused a FIGHT with me even ....it would have been a blessing...we missed each other out of sheer stupidity...as I always had a good sex drive. 

Outside of this, our communication was amazing....we didn't miss a beat....always felt best friends, very close.. He says he was happy even when he wanted more sex, I always initiated and this meant a lot to him...


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

I wish I had know how important is was to actually discuss bills and finances and agree on things, also didn't realize that having joint accounts could be important. We have separate accounts and it has caused a lot of conflict because I pay for everything for our son. We should have talked about this and come to a mutual agreement before marriage.


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## Kristina and Raf (Apr 21, 2014)

Many Thanks Everyone!! Now, anyone else??


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I would have liked to be shown how just about any problem you have has its roots in you, not the other person. I'd something is amiss, you need to examine what it is that you are doing to create the problem (not communicating your needs, unreasonable expectations, lack of empathy, projecting thoughts and feelings on your partner, etc), and working on it from your side. Also you are responsible for your own well being, no one else. It's not my wife's job to try to make me happy. We can work together to create and maintain conditions that we can flourish in, for sure, but she is not responsible for me. 

Face conflict, don't be afraid of it. If you can have calm, honest discussions, and try to understand both sides of a problem, its very likely that a mutually acceptable solution can be found.

Make time for each other, you need it to stay connected, to nurture the trust, communication, and understanding you'll need to face the challenges that come up.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Look at your SO's family - that will give you insight. My in-laws are nice people, but the SIL is a total PITA drama queen, and the wife won't stand up to her. Also, my wife is very insecure and immature, and I wish I would have opened my eyes to this before marriage. 

Also, if your SO is divorced, find out why. My wife's ex said he didn't love her anymore, and now I realize that he was onto something.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

I never heard a failed marriage due to over-communication.

How to stay married - don't divorce. 

In order to find the right person, you must first BE the right person.


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## Orochi (Apr 28, 2014)

Just a couple days ago, I mused to my wife, "of all the regrets of the past, I really wish that we had been nicer to each other when we were younger. That goes both ways, and we could have done a whole lot better." I wish that I'd known the ins and outs of triggers, fight or flight, validation, interpretation, and escalation. We're doing a whole lot better now, but we could have enjoyed each other and ourselves so much more than we did. 

I guess my best advice would be to learn how to effectively and compassionately communicate. Seek out actual training on the subject, even if you think you have that down already. Oh, and grow together on purpose so you don't grow apart by mistake. That last part is not a regret, but something that we have done right.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Orochi said:


> Just a couple days ago, I mused to my wife, "of all the regrets of the past, I really wish that we had been nicer to each other when we were younger. That goes both ways, and we could have done a whole lot better." I wish that I'd known the ins and outs of triggers, fight or flight, validation, interpretation, and escalation. We're doing a whole lot better now, but we could have enjoyed each other and ourselves so much more than we did.
> 
> I guess my best advice would be to learn how to effectively and compassionately communicate. Seek out actual training on the subject, even if you think you have that down already. *Oh, and grow together on purpose so you don't grow apart by mistake.* That last part is not a regret, but something that we have done right.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


yep. that about says it in a nutshell.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Kristina and Raf said:


> We are exploring an idea for a project & need your expertise. What are some things you wish you understood right when you got married (think what you would Google i.e. how to talk about money with my husband/wife, how to talk about sex, how to stay faithful but in love with someone else, how not to get a divorce, etc.)? And would you have been interested in reading something like this pre-marital (during your engagement) or only post-marital (after the wedding)?
> 
> For engaged couples (and all other,) is this something of interest to you?
> 
> Looking forward to reading your responses. :smthumbup:


I wish that I had read the books

"His Needs, Her Needs" 
"Love Busters" 
"Surviving an Affair"

Then when it comes to money:

"Smart Couples Finish Rich"


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

This article may be very useful, and it has worked for us. We have applied all these concepts from the beginning, and that was before some of this research was even done.

How to live happily ever after, according to science - The Week

Basically, don't try to fix or change each other as that creates resentment and failure (and doesn't work), but do work on enhancing the good.


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## Kristina and Raf (Apr 21, 2014)

Wow! Thanks Everyone!!


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