# Just feel Numb



## shoemaker (Dec 28, 2015)

I'm 56 my wife is 54. We've been married for 28 years and dated 4 years before marriage. We have two grown children and life has been good. 

When we began dating we discussed our past relationships my wife told me she had 3 previous sexual relationships lasting 6 months, 1 year and 1.5 years and had broken up with the 1.5 year boyfriend 2 months before we met.

Recently she told me she actually had four (one being short lived a couple of months) in between the 1 year and 1.5 year. I was a little surprised and began asking questions about what else I should know. She told me she had an abortion at 19 with her boyfriend before me and that they were still dating when we began going out. She says she didn't officially break up with this guy until about 6 weeks into us dating. (Though she says she wasn't having sex with him when we were dating. Not sure I believe it)

Needless to say I'm shocked! I feel lied to, manipulated and just can't believe the person I thought I knew would do this. Should I leave her? Should I encourage counseling? Will counseling do me any good? Can I ever trust her?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Has your wife been good to you in the 32 years she's been with you? Have you had a pretty good life with her?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Why would you leave her over what she did as a teenager? You have been married for 28 years, what does how many men she had sex with or having an abortion when she was a teenager have to do with your marriage now? I assume she has been faithful during your marriage? That's all that should matter to you. I always think it's a mistake for married couples to talk about who they had sex with in the past, men especially seem to care too much about who their wives slept with before they met. My husband has no idea how many men I slept with before we met and I will never tell him because it's none of his business and it's none of my business who he slept with. Your wife shouldn't have told you that information. Concentrate on the present and don't worry about who your wife slept with before you two met.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Why would you leave her over what she did as a teenager? You have been married for 28 years, what does how many men she had sex with or having an abortion when she was a teenager have to do with your marriage now? *I assume she has been faithful during your marriage?* That's all that should matter to you. I always think it's a mistake for married couples to talk about who they had sex with in the past, men especially seem to care too much about who their wives slept with before they met. My husband has no idea how many men I slept with before we met and I will never tell him because it's none of his business and it's none of my business who he slept with. Your wife shouldn't have told you that information. Concentrate on the present and don't worry about who your wife slept with before you two met.


FWIW, this is likely exactly what he's now asking himself.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Happilymarried25 said:


> I will never tell him because it's none of his business and it's none of my business who he slept with.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

shoemaker said:


> I'm 56 my wife is 54. We've *been married for 28 years* and dated 4 years before marriage. *We have two grown children and life has been good.
> *
> 
> ...She told me she had an abortion at 19 with her boyfriend before me and that they were still dating when we began going out.
> ...


NO you should not leave her. She is the mother of your adult children. Unless you feel this is your excuse to leave a marriage you aren't thrilled with, work it out!

Yes the two of you should go to counseling, mostly so you can work out your issues and emotions. 

28 years of marriage is a lot to waste over something she should have kept a secret to her grave. Her telling you did no good and now she and especially you are going to have to try to put it behind you. 

Good luck. She loves you.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

0P It would help if included more details about this unfortunate situation your wife and you are in. What was the reasoning wife decided to confess this to you. And now that you know that your wifehas not being completely honest with you. That in itself is a good reason for you question 32 years of marriage, discovering that your wife's has held on to secrets, proven to you that she has not been honest and is and is capable of holding on secret is very damaging you will need counseling. You you will now be questioning the whole 32 years.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

shoemaker said:


> I'm 56 my wife is 54. We've been married for 28 years and dated 4 years before marriage. We have two grown children and life has been good.
> 
> When we began dating we discussed our past relationships my wife told me she had 3 previous sexual relationships lasting 6 months, 1 year and 1.5 years and had broken up with the 1.5 year boyfriend 2 months before we met.
> 
> ...



Here's my take.

Who you dated and slept with has nothing to do with your wife. You've been faithfully married to her.

Who she dated and slept with has nothing to do with you., her hubby. She's been faithfully married to you.


It takes a lot for someone to admit they slept around and even got pregnant and decided to have an abortion. That tells me she trusts you enough to open up and let you know.

If she can confide in you about these very personal and past issues, that is a great thing.


Sure, its a shock to hear this from your wife but you are her hubby and supportive.

There should be no secrets between hubby and wifee in the first place. So the, my past is none of your business attitude, tells me someone doesn't trust or love their spouse.


Did she initially use you as a rebound??? Possibly.....But later that didn't turn out to be the case.


Ask her, is there anything else you want to tell me? Let her know you aren't angry and that you love and support her.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

You may as well go ahead and admit it Shoemaker, you lack the confidence to believe you rank the highest on her best stud list. Your simply afraid she wasn't totally forthcoming was because the guy(s) may have been better than you.
Think about how shytty you'd feel if she admitted the relationship went on for 2 years rather than a 1-1.5. Since she didn't officially break-up with the last boyfriend when she was dating you, that makes you the POS OM. :grin2:


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Woman and men with wives with high notch counts don't seem to care, but I think the majority of men do care about their wife mother of their kids past. An abortion? He thought he was getting a low mileage barely used model but turns out he got one that was in a wreck. Would he had gone through with it if he knew? Probably no. She knew this and lied through omission. 

Everything that matters to a woman is easily proved before she signs up. Status, education, career, salary, ETC. What matters to men depends on a woman being honest about who she is. Most men don't want a woman that's *****d it up. Don't want a woman that had an abortion. A woman that was involved with a married man. A woman who was unfaithful in past relationships.

But for OP, you've been together for 32 wonderful years and bore fruit together. You need to forgive and forget this. I know it feels like a betrayal but like others have said, she was young, and in over her head at the time. You remember your kids at 19. Even if good kids, they're not mature yet. Don't let this eat you up and destroy all you have built. If she was true while with you, let it go.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I got the "this isn't real" vibe from this thread...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

shoemaker said:


> I'm 56 my wife is 54. We've been married for 28 years and dated 4 years before marriage. We have two grown children and life has been good.
> 
> When we began dating we discussed our past relationships my wife told me she had 3 previous sexual relationships lasting 6 months, 1 year and 1.5 years and had broken up with the 1.5 year boyfriend 2 months before we met.
> 
> ...


I had to run this through Google translate as it felt like it was written by a teenager. Sure enough it was recognized as "teenage" writing and here is how Google translated it into 30-something text for us:

_I'm 16 my girlfriend is 20. We've been sexually active for 28 days and texted 4 day before hooking up. We have two kittens and life has been good. 

When we began texting we discussed our past relationships my wife told me she had 3 previous sexual relationships lasting 6 months, 1 year and 1.5 years and had broken up with the 1.5 year boyfriend 2 months before we met.

Recently she told me she actually had four (one being short lived a couple of months) in between the 1 year and 1.5 year. I was a little surprised and began asking questions about what else I should know. She told me she had an abortion at 19 with her boyfriend before me and that they were still dating when we began going out. She says she didn't officially break up with this guy until about 6 days into us dating. (Though she says she wasn't having sex with him when we were dating. Not sure I believe it)

Needless to say I'm shocked! I feel lied to, manipulated and just can't believe the person I thought I knew would do this. Should I leave her? Should I encourage counseling? Will counseling do me any good? Can I ever trust her?_

OK, now it makes sense!!!!

Badsanta


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Well at least he got the ages more consistent with what it ought to be. (56m v 54w) If this 16 yo with the 20 yo girlfriend stayed together, she be 60 when he is 56 and probably rubbernecking the 40 yo neighbor's "brick house" wife pulling weeds in her yoga pants. He'd be sayin, "damn I wish I had a do over".


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I find the care analogy with its implications of "property" and "ruined goods" to be very archaic and rather disturbing.

If someone believes that abortion is murder, then I can understand being upset with it as a moral failing, but otherwise it seems to me that other than physical risks like disease, a person's past is their own. Their value is not ruined by their sexual choices.





jsmart said:


> Woman and men with wives with high notch counts don't seem to care, but I think the majority of men do care about their wife mother of their kids past. An abortion? He thought he was getting a low mileage barely used model but turns out he got one that was in a wreck.
> snip
> .


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Do not allow your pride at her lying push you to destroy something wonderful. OK, you got played. Big deal. If you came here and said she has been cheating on you with lots of guys since you were married then I might agree that discovery of her lying 32 years ago might be the straw that breaks the camel's back. But if she has been a good GF and wife and mother for 32 years then the lying 32 years ago is irrelevant to who she is today and what you have together.

As others have said, do not focus on the lie. Focus on the fact that she now feels comfortable enough to share ALL of herself with you. That is a compliment. I suggest you view it as such instead of viewing it as a betrayal. Both are true. You get to choose which to accept as YOUR truth. Choose wisely.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

badsanta said:


> I had to run this through Google translate as it felt like it was written by a teenager. Sure enough it was recognized as "teenage" writing and here is how Google translated it into 30-something text for us:
> 
> _I'm 16 my girlfriend is 20. We've been sexually active for 28 days and texted 4 day before hooking up. We have two kittens and life has been good.
> 
> ...


The kitten part is disturbing.


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## greenlupeu (Dec 28, 2015)

Well she is honest and true to u, at this age never think of divorce . As the other move forward. Make your life excited by take her on adventures. 

Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk


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