# jealous fiancee or what is it?



## muguremaina (Aug 20, 2014)

well this happened yesterday
i was out all day in the field with my immediate boss,so at around 15 hrs we decided to have lunch before going back to office.
i had my fiancee earlier just to check on him and i mentioned that for the first time i was spending the whole day with my boss.

so as we walking out of the restaurant in the mall we met with my fiancee coincidence, my boss greeted him and told him we are from having lunch so he left and we went back to office.

so in the evening he was waiting for me and the following accusations were made on me:
1. That i am a loose woman, the reason is because he feels i can easily give in to a man in times of pressure, and he feels that we have something going on between me n my boss, consider in mind that there is no definite reason for this accusation.
2. that i am materialistic, reason because i have mentioned to him the men i have turned off are wealthy men, and i once dated a wealthy man when i was in college before i got over the non sense of finding rich men.

so after listening to his concern i concluded that hes just jealous and its normal to question someone you love.
or is there a possibility of something else coz honestly cheating on him is the last thing i would do in my life i love him so much.
me and my boss have nothing at all just business.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

His behavior is not normal.

He's waving some serious red flags at you. 

When a person shows who they really are believe them.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

First I would like you to put his shoes on and assume he is spending a FULL day with his "wealthy/good looking boss".

How would you feel?

Think about all that......

THEN, I would suggest that you take his concerns seriously. Whenever your loved one is concerned, LISTEN UP.

DO NOT get defensive or get into jealousy discussion. Labels don't matter and of course people get jealous at times, that's completely normal.

I still get jealous at times with my wife of 20 years.

Think of his concerns as a validation of your love. This guy must REALLY REALLY love you. So that's a good thing right?

Meanwhile, prove to him that your boss has absolutely 0 chance and there is no way in hell anything can possibly EVER happen. 

First step would be to not spend a whole day with him. Do your work, but don't spend entire days with the guy outside of work etc (that's a no no). Eating lunch etc? One can easily label this "friendly lunch with boss" and other "date". Say your father in law walked into this place when you were having "lunch" with your boss......what do you think his thoughts would be?

You see, I don't care how strong of a woman you might be (btw, your man knows this too).......when you spend a LOT of time with <insert anyone>.....in time, naturally, feelings will come up. ESPECIALLY when there is problems in marriage/relationship.....which DO happen ALL THE TIME. Other man LOVE these sorts of opportunities, be there on stand by ready to swoop in.

ANY man in your life or around is one of concern!!! For YOU and especially your husband. Pay CLOSE attention to your boss. Draw a CLEAR line between business and personal life. See how much he brings up personal life > identify it > cause that will tell you his intentions/thinking. Chances are high that he might like you!!!

So do your best to be respectful of your boss, but do NOT let him penetrate certain lines.

IMO, hanging out with him OUTSIDE of work is rather inappropriate and disrespectful towards your future husband.

Acknowledge that TO YOUR MAN and even apologize, it will go a long way to assure him that you are a great woman and confirm that you are worthy of marriage.

Just me though.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening mugermaria
As long as the day really was spent working and it was a "working" lunch , and there were no romantic overtones, then I do not think you in any way did anything wrong and your fiancee was being completely unreasonable. Unreasonable enough that you should reconsider marriage with this man.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

muguremaina said:


> so in the evening he was waiting for me and the following accusations were made on me:
> 
> 1. That i am a loose woman, the reason is because he feels i can easily give in to a man in times of pressure, and he feels that we have something going on between me n my boss, consider in mind that there is no definite reason for this accusation.
> 
> 2. that i am materialistic, reason because i have mentioned to him the men i have turned off are wealthy men, and i once dated a wealthy man when i was in college before i got over the non sense of finding rich men.


I would not marry a man who thought of me this way. He's showing you who he is - pay very close attention, because this is NOT going to change when you get married. You will have a lifetime of defending yourself against these accusations. Your fiancee will not limit himself to your boss - every coworkers, every acquaintance, every time you leave the house, he will be thinking this stuff about you.

If he is so sure that you are so loose, easily manipulated and materialistic, why does he want to marry you? Think about that. Then think about why you would want to marry a man who thinks that about you, and whether you want to defend yourself against this for the rest of your life.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Unfounded jealousy is sometimes a sign of infidelity, so you may want to see if any of his behavior reveals signs of cheating.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

norajane said:


> I would not marry a man who thought of me this way. He's showing you who he is - pay very close attention, because this is NOT going to change when you get married. You will have a lifetime of defending yourself against these accusations. Your fiancee will not limit himself to your boss - every coworkers, every acquaintance, every time you leave the house, he will be thinking this stuff about you.
> 
> If he is so sure that you are so loose, easily manipulated and materialistic, why does he want to marry you? Think about that. Then think about why you would want to marry a man who thinks that about you, and whether you want to defend yourself against this for the rest of your life.


I think some of these replies area a bit extreme.

OP and you both need to put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if your husband spent a day outside of the office with their female boss lady???


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

muguremaina said:


> well this happened yesterday
> i was out all day in the field with my immediate boss,so at around 15 hrs we decided to have lunch before going back to office.
> i had my fiancee earlier just to check on him and i mentioned that for the first time i was spending the whole day with my boss.
> 
> so as we walking out of the restaurant in the mall we met with my fiancee coincidence, my boss greeted him and told him we are from having lunch so he left and we went back to office.


How to avoid needless activity such as confronting your spouse or soon to be spouse? Communicate!!! This could have been avoided if you tell you significant other of what your day will entail. Hours with the boss, etc. When you check in on your significant other let them know about possible lunch at the mall with said boss. Walking into the mall and seeing your W walking out of a restaurant with the boss(or anyone) would not sit well with anyone I know of. I always tell my wife what I'm doing and who with. If she were to walk up on me unknowingly she would find what I have told her as true. It was just not a good "surprise" for you fiance'. 

As for the spewing of what he said, really unnecessary and wrong. He should say is apologies for misconstruing what was occurring(nothing but lunch). It would appear he has some maturing to do. Next time communicate with your H of your days activities. In today's world communication is the easiest it has ever been. Email, IM, text and simply calling.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DoF said:


> I think some of these replies area a bit extreme.
> 
> OP and you both need to put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if your husband spent a day outside of the office with their female boss lady???


She spent the day "in the field". I, and most it seems, took that to mean that they were working.

Some jobs require people to work outside the office part of the time.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> She spent the day "in the field". I, and most it seems, took that to mean that they were working.
> 
> Some jobs require people to work outside the office part of the time.


I just do not know anyone without a cellphone. These work just as well in the field as in the office. I have not worked with a boss that does not allow contact with their significant other or kids during the work day. One call could have avoided it all!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yeswecan said:


> How to avoid needless activity such as confronting your spouse or soon to be spouse? Communicate!!! This could have been avoided if you tell you significant other of what your day will entail. Hours with the boss, etc. When you check in on your significant other let them know about possible lunch at the mall with said boss.


OP did tell her fiancé that she was spending the whole day working with her boss.

"i had my fiancee earlier just to check on him and i mentioned that for the first time i was spending the whole day with my boss."




Yeswecan said:


> Walking into the mall and seeing your W walking out of a restaurant with the boss(or anyone) would not sit well with anyone I know of. I always tell my wife what I'm doing and who with. If she were to walk up on me unknowingly she would find what I have told her as true. It was just not a good "surprise" for you fiance'.


Telling the fiancé that she was going to lunch with the boss on the way back to the office would make sense. Her not doing this and then the coincidental run-in at the restaurant are most likely the real issue.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yeswecan said:


> I just do not know anyone without a cellphone. These work just as well in the field as in the office. I have not worked with a boss that does not allow contact with their significant other or kids during the work day. One call could have avoided it all!


That post was in reply to DoF who seems to think that the OP spent the day socializing with her boss. That's the point that I was trying to clear up.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

muguremaina,

What was it that upset your fiancé?

Was he upset because you spent the day working in the field with your boss? You state that you told him that this was how you would be spending your day.


Was he upset because you had lunch with your boss? Would he have been ok with the lunch if you had called him and told him that you were having lunch with the boss?


Or is it both? He your fiancé upset because you are working about a man, or men?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> That post was in reply to DoF who seems to think that the OP spent the day socializing with her boss. That's the point that I was trying to clear up.


Understood! :smthumbup:


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> muguremaina,
> 
> What was it that upset your fiancé?
> 
> ...


All excellent questions. I'm not a betting man but I would put my money on: Lunch with the boss and not knowing. Specifically if H was of mindset W would be in the field all day. W turns up at the mall. On the surface, it does not look good.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> She spent the day "in the field". I, and most it seems, took that to mean that they were working.
> 
> Some jobs require people to work outside the office part of the time.


I understand, but I think this might need a bit more clarification from OP.

What exactly were they doing "in the field".


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

DoF said:


> I understand, but I think this might need a bit more clarification from OP.
> 
> What exactly were they doing "in the field".


From where her H was standing...having lunch with the boss was what was going on in the field.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You said that you "got over" the nonsense of finding a rich man, which is an admission that you, at least, were mercenary in your mate selection. Your fiance' can be excused for correctly pointing out your own behavior choices. You aren't a completely different human being. As far as the accusation of you being "loose" or easily influenced by men, one would have to know your history to determine if you deserved that characterization. If you have a history of being loose or being easily influenced, I'd give your fiance' a pass for those comments as well. We build our own reputations. Unless I was going out for a business lunch with the whole team, as a male supervisor, I would avoid taking a female subordinate, especially if business was so critical I had to require her to work 15 hours. It gives the appearance of impropriety, whether or not anything inappropriate was intended. It's bad enough to take a worker from their family for 15 hours. Doing so to chill at a restaurant looks rather unnecessary and suspiciously like a date. If work is so critical that it requires a double shift, grab something quick and bring it back to the office or order delivery. I find it curious that your boss should find it necessary to explain to your fiance' that you two had just stepped out to eat and were heading back to the office. Your boss apparently instinctively knew the outing might not appear innocent and felt the need to explain it. People in the habit of doing the right thing rarely feel the need to explain their actions because they avoid even the appearance of wrongdoing. Don't believe your fiance's jealousy is entirely unfounded. Would you really want a husband who could give a rat's behind if you spent the entire day with another man? He didn't see you two working hard. He saw a man and his fiance' socializing. He heard a man defend himself even though no accusation had been made. In my business, that's a frequent sign of guilt.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

What kind of jobs do you people have that you 1) do not work with the opposite sex, 2) have a "field" job where you spend no time in the field with people of the opposite sex, or 3) never have lunch with someone of the opposite sex, especially when you are out in the "field" working with your boss?

I would not be able to do my job without those 3 things happening, and if my SO objected to me working with men all day, I'd have to become a day care worker. I'd also have to ask him to leave his job, since there are women in his office and who work on his team as direct reports.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> From where her H was standing...having lunch with the boss was what was going on in the field.


hehe

exactly


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

norajane said:


> What kind of jobs do you people have that you 1) do not work with the opposite sex, 2) have a "field" job where you spend no time in the field with people of the opposite sex, or 3) never have lunch with someone of the opposite sex, especially when you are out in the "field" working with your boss?
> 
> I would not be able to do my job without those 3 things happening, and if my SO objected to me working with men all day, I'd have to become a day care worker. I'd also have to ask him to leave his job, since there are women in his office and who work on his team as direct reports.


Nobody here is talking about 1 or 2.

We are talking about DETAILS surrounded by #3.

Look, are you saying that her boyfriend should have NOTHING to worry about?

What field are we talking about? There would WAY less suspicious if her boss and her were out at a client site then there would be if she was.....let's say......Pharma Sales lady.

You get the drift?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> You said that you "got over" the nonsense of finding a rich man, which is an admission that you, at least, were mercenary in your mate selection. Your fiance' can be excused for correctly pointing out your own behavior choices. You aren't a completely different human being. As far as the accusation of you being "loose" or easily influenced by men, one would have to know your history to determine if you deserved that characterization. If you have a history of being loose or being easily influenced, I'd give your fiance' a pass for those comments as well. We build our own reputations. Unless I was going out for a business lunch with the whole team, as a male supervisor, I would avoid taking a female subordinate, especially if business was so critical I had to require her to work 15 hours. It gives the appearance of impropriety, whether or not anything inappropriate was intended. It's bad enough to take a worker from their family for 15 hours. Doing so to chill at a restaurant looks rather unnecessary and suspiciously like a date. If work is so critical that it requires a double shift, grab something quick and bring it back to the office or order delivery. I find it curious that your boss should find it necessary to explain to your fiance' that you two had just stepped out to eat and were heading back to the office. Your boss apparently instinctively knew the outing might not appear innocent and felt the need to explain it. People in the habit of doing the right thing rarely feel the need to explain their actions because they avoid even the appearance of wrongdoing. Don't believe your fiance's jealousy is entirely unfounded. Would you really want a husband who could give a rat's behind if you spent the entire day with another man? He didn't see you two working hard. He saw a man and his fiance' socializing. He heard a man defend himself even though no accusation had been made. In my business, that's a frequent sign of guilt.


:iagree: with ALL of it


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

DoF said:


> Nobody here is talking about 1 or 2.
> 
> We are talking about DETAILS surrounded by #3.
> 
> ...


I don't see what difference it makes what her actual job is. Whatever it is, it apparently requires some long days in the field, sometimes with her boss. And people need to eat when they're working all day, so they stopped in a mall to get lunch. They weren't having sex in the middle of Olive Garden; they were having lunch in the middle of their long day.

And Pharma Sales IS going to a client site - the doctors' offices and hospitals.

None of this is unusual or cause for alarm, especially since there is no history of infidelity here. Baldly accusing her of being loose and easily manipulated by men, and then tacking on that she is materialistic (implying she would leave him for a wealthier man) is name-calling, and just plain unfair and mean-spiritied. She is trying to do her job. 

I might chalk it up to his insecurity, but I wouldn't marry a guy like that, not someone who believes I am LOOSE. Why would I want to marry someone who thinks I am LOOSE?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

muguremaina said:


> so as we walking out of the restaurant in the mall we met with my fiancee coincidence


That was no coincidence.

He's got a GPS on your car or tracking you via your phone.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

norajane said:


> I don't see what difference it makes what her actual job is. Whatever it is, it apparently requires some long days in the field, sometimes with her boss. And people need to eat when they're working all day, so they stopped in a mall to get lunch. They weren't having sex in the middle of Olive Garden; they were having lunch in the middle of their long day.


Actually, no, job is not slave labor. You work 8 hours.....not 16.

Just the # of hours is already triggering red flags in his head. I know it would to me.

It takes away time from our marriage/family.....and is NOT acceptable. I don't care if "companies" think it is.

her boss should also know better than to take her out for lunch. Most men here would tell you they would NEVER do that with a employee unless someone else was present.



norajane said:


> And Pharma Sales IS going to a client site - the doctors' offices and hospitals.


Right, but not with your boss. Also there is certain expectations and great looks associated with that job hehe.



norajane said:


> None of this is unusual or cause for alarm, especially since there is no history of infidelity here.


To me there is a LOT unusual.

a) 16 hour work day
b) hanging around with boss all day

And there is some VERY questionable history on OP's part as well. 

See unbelievable post

I'm not saying her fiance is innocent and his approach is spot on, not at all. 

I'm just saying OP should take it seriously. He is CLEARLY upset about something.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

DoF said:


> Actually, no, job is not slave labor. You work 8 hours.....not 16.
> 
> Just the # of hours is already triggering red flags in his head. I know it would to me.
> 
> ...


If he has problems with her hours, he did not mention those. Not everyone has the luxury of finding a 9 to 5 job. Some people get jobs where they are away from home for weeks or months - some of those wives post here and no one is telling them their husbands need to leave their oil rigs or the military. Nurses have to work long shifts, as do fire fighters. Should all these people be accused of not thinking of their families?

I doubt there are many men that would allow their girlfriends to dictate what jobs they take and how many hours they work, so I don't see why she should not take a job that she wants, especially if she is just starting out and doesn't have much experience at anything and needs to get some. 

In any case, he never once mentioned the work hours.

As for lunch, yes male bosses do go to lunch with their female employees one on one, and vice versa. It's a fact of working life, happens all the time. They also do so with their same sex employees. They especially do this when they are out of town, at conferences, or their jobs require working in the field together.

There is nothing questionable about her being in the field with her boss doing her job and stopping for lunch. 

She does not have a VERY questionable history. She dated ONE rich guy in college when she thought she should marry a rich guy. She's grown up since and rich is no longer her criteria.

Yes, he is clearly upset about something, but she doesn't have to apologize for doing her job while he accuses her of being loose and cheating with her boss. I agree she should absolutely take this seriously and use it to consider whether she wants to marry a guy who freely accuses her of cheating with no foundation.


> Right, but not with your boss. Also there is certain expectations and great looks associated with that job hehe.


What are these expectations that go along with pharma sales? Having sex with your boss? Really? I don't think so.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Married but Happy said:


> Unfounded jealousy is sometimes a sign of infidelity, so you may want to see if any of his behavior reveals signs of cheating.


It's also the sign of an abusive or controlling man. Does he have any other controlling tendencies? See the list below. If he doesn't have any of these, then most likely he's concerned that a 15-hour-day (who does that?) with another man can be problematic to y'all's relationship. As has been said, how YOU handle this with him says a lot about y'all's relationship. If you get mad at him, stonewall him, guilt him...he's probably got reason to worry. If you smother him with kisses and hugs and say don't worry, I'm crazy about you, you guys should be fine. 



> Jealousy
> 
> At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say the jealousy is a sign of love. He/she may question you about whom you have spoken to or seen during the day, may accuse you of flirting, or be jealous of time you spend with family, friends, children or hobbies which do not include him/her. As the jealousy progresses, he/she may call you frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He may be unhappy about or refuse to let you work for fear you'll meet someone else, check the car mileage or ask friends to keep an eye on you. Jealousy is not proof of love, it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness.
> 
> ...


Warning Signs of Abusive Personalities


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lenzi said:


> That was no coincidence.
> 
> He's got a GPS on your car or tracking you via your phone.


Most definitely.


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## Workathome (Aug 30, 2014)

I would not marry a man who required me to report in on what I was doing every minute of the day while we were apart. My job requires me to know confidential information. Would I need to share that information too? 

This man is showing you who he is. IF you marry him, get used to him showing up unexpectedly at your work events. I would run far in the opposite direction. 

Many women these days have high powered, high earning careers. Men need to get used to this and step into 2014!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think I found my answer. From another of your threads (I really wish people would stop opening multiple threads):



> 1. He hates to be told he looks good or smart or handsome, he only likes to be criticized and in a very harsh way like he does towards me.
> 2. Communication according to him is NOT discussing how each of our day was, not expressing our feeling of love to each other like how much i love him, this he calls cheap talk. Instead it is criticizing each other and digging into each other's flaws then if not that discuss in general about topics like personality.
> 3. He's the type that wants to justify everything he does and never admits his mistakes.


maria, what you describe here...it will only get WORSE. It NEVER gets better. He will NEVER be a loving, enjoyable person; once you are married, he will 100% take you for granted and stop even pretending to care if you're happy.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Was it really a coincidence that you ran into your fiance outside the restaurant, or was he stalking you?

I take my ability to work seriously. 

If anyone, man or woman, interfered with my ability to hold down my legitimate job, or hassled me for partaking in activities associated with the job, they wouldn't stay in my life for very long.

My ex was really problematic in this respect. 
Even when I was working from home, he would call or IM and check up on me! Most days I could not work without a huge interruption, and if I wasn't home he would leave some kind of message that I must be out with my boyfriend or something. 

I think you cannot separate the situation from the person. If the person is overly jealous and interfering with your work (i.e. possibly stalking?) and questioning and making it uncomfortable for you to go to work, dealing with his insecurities by laying the blame 100% on his partner for her supposed character flaws, I can't see how any situation can justify the behavior displayed...


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Well lets assume that the work thing is legit and not pick it apart. Work can be all kinds of challenges.

It’s his reaction that should be the majority of the red flags here. More than just name calling, it shows that he lacks the basic level of trust NEEDED to build a good marriage.
Obviously this has set off a personal trigger for him and I suggest that this behavior will not go away when he marries you. It will get worse.

If I were her, I would seriously be reconsidering her intent to marry him at this point.
Sounds like the type of guy who will turn into a total control freak once he gets his claws into you.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> Well lets assume that the work thing is legit and not pick it apart. Work can be all kinds of challenges.


That's a BIG assumption that sways below advice to a complete extreme though.

Devil is in the details.



SamuraiJack said:


> It’s his reaction that should be the majority of the red flags here. More than just name calling, it shows that he lacks the basic level of trust NEEDED to build a good marriage.
> Obviously this has set off a personal trigger for him and I suggest that this behavior will not go away when he marries you. It will get worse.
> 
> If I were her, I would seriously be reconsidering her intent to marry him at this point.
> Sounds like the type of guy who will turn into a total control freak once he gets his claws into you.


Not disagreeing here.

I still think people are not really putting themselves into OP's fiance shoes.

Would you mind if your wife/husband spent a 16 hour day, outside of office.....with her boss (one on one)?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Whenever a man and a woman spend long hours alone together, the devil tags along. The guy (or gal) who would not express some concern would be asking for trouble. 

This fiance' has more information than that provided by the OP. He knows her character and history. I have been in relationships where I wouldn't be suspicious of a working lunch and I've been in relationships where a phone call or working late would cause me concern. I'm the same person. The difference was one woman was trustworthy and the other was not. If this guy has been a suspicious, unreasonable psycho in all his relationships, then he's the problem. If he's otherwise a reasonable guy but he can't trust the OP, I'd have to assume she's given him reason to be suspicious. A woman who sets out to deliberately land a rich guy is not a woman of unassailable character. It's reasonable to assume her boss has money. If your fiance' had a history of alcoholism and you found them walking around with a bottle of Jack Daniels, you might reasonably be concerned.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

norajane said:


> What kind of jobs do you people have that you 1) do not work with the opposite sex, 2) have a "field" job where you spend no time in the field with people of the opposite sex, or 3) never have lunch with someone of the opposite sex, especially when you are out in the "field" working with your boss?
> 
> I would not be able to do my job without those 3 things happening, and if my SO objected to me working with men all day, I'd have to become a day care worker. I'd also have to ask him to leave his job, since there are women in his office and who work on his team as direct reports.


I work in a office with three other men. One being the boss. We have one sales person. She is female and married to my boss. She appears once a week to look after the books and spends the rest of the time making sales calls. I do not go out into the field or wine/dine our customers. My work is handled via computer and phone.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

norajane said:


> What kind of jobs do you people have that you 1) do not work with the opposite sex, 2) have a "field" job where you spend no time in the field with people of the opposite sex, or 3) never have lunch with someone of the opposite sex, especially when you are out in the "field" working with your boss?
> 
> I would not be able to do my job without those 3 things happening, and if my SO objected to me working with men all day, I'd have to become a day care worker. I'd also have to ask him to leave his job, since there are women in his office and who work on his team as direct reports.


as long as you are wearing burka, norajane, everything is ok

you see norajane, this is perfect example, why women should not be working outside the kitchen. it's just too dangerous , too stresful....

Seriusly, I cannot believe that people are even defending the guy who calls his fiance loose woman and gold digger. if that's how he feels, he should not be marrying her. She was at work, doing her job, having lunch with co-worker who happened to be her boss, and male. And this is an issue? oh my.... I had no idea whom my husband was meeting for lunch when he was working in big institution and didn't bother me at all. It's part of the deal when you are working outside the home, with people.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

lenzi said:


> That was no coincidence.
> 
> He's got a GPS on your car or tracking you via your phone.


Very perceptive!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

turnera said:


> I think I found my answer. From another of your threads (I really wish people would stop opening multiple threads):
> 
> 
> 
> maria, what you describe here...it will only get WORSE. It NEVER gets better. He will NEVER be a loving, enjoyable person; once you are married, he will 100% take you for granted and stop even pretending to care if you're happy.


:iagree:


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Workathome said:


> I would not marry a man who required me to report in on what I was doing every minute of the day while we were apart. My job requires me to know confidential information. Would I need to share that information too?
> 
> This man is showing you who he is. IF you marry him, get used to him showing up unexpectedly at your work events. I would run far in the opposite direction.
> 
> Many women these days have high powered, high earning careers. Men need to get used to this and step into 2014!


Yes dear. I'll go get my apron now. 

J/K!!! 

Telling your SO what you are doing every minute of everyday certainly is unnecessary. I agree. However, where you will be in the field and running for lunch with the boss via the communication during this particular day is what I consider normal communication. That part of the communication did not happen.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

DoF said:


> Would you mind if your wife/husband spent a 16 hour day, outside of office.....with her boss (one on one)?


That depends. Is it a one-off deal like she describes here (first time ever to travel with him), or does he/she do it every week? If it's a pattern, I suspect everyone would have a problem with that.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Most likely she is having lunch with someone from work every day - why is this an issue?????


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> as long as you are wearing burka, norajane, everything is ok
> 
> you see norajane, this is perfect example, why women should not be working outside the kitchen. it's just too dangerous , too stresful.... *Now you are getting it. J/K *
> 
> Seriusly, I cannot believe that people are even defending the guy who calls his fiance loose woman and gold digger. if that's how he feels, he should not be marrying her. She was at work, doing her job, having lunch with co-worker who happened to be her boss, and male. And this is an issue? oh my.... I had no idea whom my husband was meeting for lunch when he was working in big institution and didn't bother me at all. It's part of the deal when you are working outside the home, with people.


I'm not defending this guy. I'm assessing the situation in this particular instance. Lenzi is dead on...this guy is tracking his fiance'. Tunera found old posts. This guy has some major issues from the looks of it. OP should really consider another future for herself. This one looks very toxic. 

And I still stand on my original post. The OP soon to be should not have thrown out the name calling and accusing when he had nothing proving any of it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

1. That i am a loose woman, the reason is because he feels i can easily give in to a man in times of pressure, and he feels that we have something going on between me n my boss, consider in mind that there is no definite reason for this accusation.
2. that i am materialistic, reason because i have mentioned to him the men i have turned off are wealthy men, and i once dated a wealthy man when i was in college before i got over the non sense of finding rich men.

Seems like the implied Gold Digger accusation was based primarily on her own admissions and previous behavior and not some baseless conclusion he dreamed up in response to the instant case.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Given what she's said about how he likes to pick her apart, I'm betting that he had a mean, cold, loveless mother who instilled in him a hatred and contempt for women and a belief that all women are only to be derided. Not good.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Whenever a man and a woman spend long hours alone together, the devil tags along. The guy (or gal) who would not express some concern would be asking for trouble.
> 
> This fiance' has more information than that provided by the OP. He knows her character and history. I have been in relationships where I wouldn't be suspicious of a working lunch and I've been in relationships where a phone call or working late would cause me concern. I'm the same person. The difference was one woman was trustworthy and the other was not. If this guy has been a suspicious, unreasonable psycho in all his relationships, then he's the problem. If he's otherwise a reasonable guy but he can't trust the OP, I'd have to assume she's given him reason to be suspicious. A woman who sets out to deliberately land a rich guy is not a woman of unassailable character. It's reasonable to assume her boss has money. If your fiance' had a history of alcoholism and you found them walking around with a bottle of Jack Daniels, you might reasonably be concerned.


Either way, the outcome would be the same.
If that's the way she is, and she can't change her history or his perception of her (right or not) and is unwilling to change her behavior (maybe restrictive, for her) then the relationship is not going to fly. So advice for her to act on 'red flag' has the same effect (redlining the relationship.) 

The cause/blame assigned doesn't matter. It takes two to make a relationship. If the components aren't meshing well together, reconsider seriously.

Maybe she needs someone who is less judgmental and more open. (And if he was stalking her at the restaurant, less paranoid, with or without 'cause'.)


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

turnera said:


> Given what she's said about how he likes to pick her apart, I'm betting that he had a mean, cold, loveless mother who instilled in him a hatred and contempt for women and a belief that all women are only to be derided. Not good.


Honestly, putting 2 and 2 together, the posts you have found and lenzi very perceptive take on the "coincidence"(GPS on the car possibly) I believe this guy to be very controlling. Even if not controlling, what he has said already and will do in the future to demean the OP this cannot be a very good marriage if it gets that far.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Either way, the outcome would be the same.
> If that's the way she is, and she can't change her history or his perception of her (right or not) and is unwilling to change her behavior (maybe restrictive, for her) then the relationship is not going to fly. So advice for her to act on 'red flag' has the same effect (redlining the relationship.)
> 
> The cause/blame assigned doesn't matter. It takes two to make a relationship. If the components aren't meshing well together, reconsider seriously.
> ...


It sounds like she has given him little reason to not have doubt.

Some people are what they are, some lie, cheat, manipulate, take for granted and they've been doing it most of their life. You don't have to take it.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Whatever OP did or did not in the past, has no relationship to this situation. The guy just waiting for an excuse to call her names, criticize. Pathological type, not only in terms of jealousy.

I have a friend who has been with someone like this for twenty years. The marriage is completely dead now, her sould is bruised and almost disappeared.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

treyvion said:


> It sounds like she has given him little reason to not have doubt.
> 
> Some people are what they are, some lie, cheat, manipulate, take for granted and they've been doing it most of their life. You don't have to take it.


You're saying her actions give him reason to not trust her? What actions are those?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

As a general rule, if you aren't even married and you're already on a marriage forum, I'd say that wouldn't just scream "future success". Dating is about mate selection. If she finds out this guy is wrong for her, the process has still worked.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> It's also the sign of an abusive or controlling man. Does he have any other controlling tendencies? See the list below. If he doesn't have any of these, then most likely he's concerned that a 15-hour-day (who does that?) with another man can be problematic to y'all's relationship.


I'm an engineer. I usually work with a lot of men.

I have worked plenty of 15 hour days. I've worked longer than that at times. Often times these long hour days include working with some guy alone.. just some guy and me. Why? Because we have a delivery date and the product will be delivered on time.




turnera said:


> As has been said, how YOU handle this with him says a lot about y'all's relationship. If you get mad at him, stonewall him, guilt him...he's probably got reason to worry. If you smother him with kisses and hugs and say don't worry, I'm crazy about you, you guys should be fine.


After the insults he threw at her, I doubt she will fell like doing this.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Making it difficult to pursue a livelihood is one of the early warning signals that you are dating an abusive person.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'd still like to hear more detail from Maria before jumping to conclusions.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> Making it difficult to pursue a livelihood is one of the early warning signals that you are dating an abusive person.


There is a big difference between going to work for 8 hours and NOT going to work for 16 hours and hanging around with your boss of opposite sex.

Again, we need to hear what exactly OP was doing for those 16 hours....and chances are, her future husband would like to know too.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

yeah I think we need to identify the OP's vocation before we speculate further. 

I have had jobs where 12-15 hours in the field was nothing to get your panties in a twist about.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> yeah I think we need to identify the OP's vocation before we speculate further.
> 
> I have had jobs where 12-15 hours in the field was nothing to get your panties in a twist about.


I understand, but for you to say "don't marry him" based on jealousy and lack of detail is no different than for someone to say "your fiance should leave you ASAP cause you are a cheater".

Either one is rather extreme.

Regardless, 16 hours is DOUBLE of the usual work time and like others have said, most managers will NOT spend that time with a woman employee on their own. Way too much risk and potential danger this day and age.

And let's assume her boss likes her and is working her "by creating unnecessary work". How would she even know if that's the case.....meanwhile he CAN be already working her.

To me 16 hour work day is unacceptable ALONE. We will need to know exactly what they were doing entire day. If there is even 1-2 hours of downtime/not getting much done during those 16 hours.........that would be VERY sketchy IMO.

16 hour day is usually when things are really crazy and LOTS of stuff needs to be done.....which usually means, VERY little time to even get lunch. 



My gut feeling is no different than OP's fiances (not saying he is right or handled it proper)....but it's the feeling I get based on what OP told us.

Modern day slaves of Central/South America/Asia and Africa don't even work 16 hour days.


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## muguremaina (Aug 20, 2014)

EleGirl, i asked him if he would have permitted me if i had informed him am going to accompany my boss for lunch he said that he would have refused,,hes problem was tthe fact i went for lunch


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## muguremaina (Aug 20, 2014)

thankyou so much guyz for all your advice and support honestly i have l;earned so much from you, you guys took it oersonally and analysed it from my shoes and my fiancee shoes.

i loved every bit of your views, 
we discussed about the whole issue with him and i explained exactly what happened and i get why he was upset n hopefully will keep the peace.
mwwaaahhh thank all


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

muguremaina said:


> well this happened yesterday
> i was out all day in the field with my immediate boss,so at around 15 hrs we decided to have lunch before going back to office.
> i had my fiancee earlier just to check on him and i mentioned that for the first time i was spending the whole day with my boss.
> 
> so as we walking out of the restaurant in the mall we met with my fiancee coincidence, my boss greeted him and told him we are from having lunch so he left and we went back to office.


Maybe you are accustomed to it, but lunch at 15 hours, I read as lunch at 15:00 hours, so he sees you coming out of a restaurant at the mall at 15:30 or later.

Now that would raise my suspicion. It would look like a kind of French 'lunch', with taking a lot of time to enjoy and socialize. And more like a dinner date...

The other posts indicate he is a control freak, but this point is justified in his suspicion, if there is not a good explanation.


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