# my marriage is depressing me



## mousecat (Nov 28, 2011)

I don't know what to do.

My wife is a brilliant mother to our baby son, she is my soul mate and I love her dearly.

But our marriage is fast becoming a stagnant pond of crap.

She has put on loads of weight, she looks a total mess most days. She is always tired or exhausted (despite my best efforts to help out in whatever ways I can). She has no interest whatsoever in sex. She constantly moans about everything, I mean everything, including her own family, people on the internet, whatever. She worries about money even though I have a good paid job and provide for us easily.

And now she has a recurrence of a tiresome health problem which had gone away a year ago, and which we really DONT need right now.

I understand that health problems aren't always her fault, but I am BORED BORED BORED by constant endless negativity and drudgery of this relationship, if indeed you can call it a relationship. It feels more like a never ending stream of depressing problems and unrewarded efforts on my part. I am FED UP of her sitting on her ****ing laptop or iphone all evening. I wish she gave as much of a damn about our relationship as she does about her forums or her bank balance.

It is just constant DEPRESSING CRAP all the time from her, like she is becoming this huge black cloud and spreads nothing but GLOOM. I don't know if I want to live like this any more.

Her mother was the same, just constant doom and gloom, problem after problem for 18 years until her husband eventually snapped and ran off with another woman. I don't excuse his actions (he was a total c*nt) but I do wonder if my wife has inherited her mother's inability to ever be happy about anything and may eventually drive me into the same action.

I love her dearly but this marriage SUCKS ASS and there is nothing I can do. I am starting to resent her and I don't want to feel like this. I want to be happy again. How can I make this right? When I think of the future I picture awful things like divorce and separation and it fills me with dread, the idea of living without her and my boy together with me, is frightening. Yet on the other hand I picture a lifetime of this DULL DEPRESSING and sexless relationship and that fills me with dread, too.

Is it too much to want a happy marriage as well as a happy family? Or can I not have any sunshine in my life any more besides that which comes from my darling son's smile?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Have you told her all this?

Print your post and give it to her.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

How long ago did she give birth?


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## mousecat (Nov 28, 2011)

she gave birth 9 months ago


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## StStephen65 (Dec 13, 2011)

mousecat said:


> she gave birth 9 months ago


I have been where you are at and am now in a slightly different yet still sucky place.

9 months isnt all that long. Give her some time yet, she may come out of this, it might be some kind of postpartum thing.

With my wife, it wasnt during infancy so much as when the kids hit school age. Then, liek yours, lots of doom and gloom. She's never happy, always tired, etc etc etc. 

Wish I knew what to tell you, but i think you gotta at least give her a little time yet.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

How was she before she got pregnant? Was she more out going? Into the marriage? or was she always this way? Also, is she breastfeeding? If she is, it is known to decrease a woman's libido.

I ask because she may have PPD if this is as recent as the birth of your child. I ended up with it after my twins, never took care of it, and after the birth of my youngest, I got real bad. It took me thinking of suicide to get myself some help. If it sounds like she might have it, she needs to see her doctor.

Have you talked to her about how you're feeling? If you haven't, it's time you two sit down, after the baby is in bed and tell her how you feel.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

I agree on showing her the post.
The only thing worse than what YOU are going through is her being oblivious and not having a chance to come to terms with it and to get together with you to fix things.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You dont mention counselling. 
I would be a lot stricter with her. Maybe its time to give her an ultimatum. These so called illnesses can be self made. I suppose she wasnt always like this. Remind her how she once was.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Ugh.

I know its probably not the right thing to read too much 'tone' in a post like this, but really - you sound pretty self centered here, so let me play devils advocate...

She has put on weight. OK - it is the first thing on your list of issues so I can see this is a problem for you. 'Tiresome' health problems, seriously? Is it an inconvenience for you to have a sick wife? Bored Bored Bored? (oh, sorry.. all CAPS - BORED BORED BORED).

You need, sir, to stop focusing so much on how this effects you personally. You have barely expressed any desire whatsoever in helping her in any way besides saving you inconvenience. You need to stop comparing her with her mother and think a little bit ourside your little personal needs. You say 'I want to be happy again'. No $#iT sherlock, I bet she feels the same way.

This looks pretty clearly like she is perhaps overwhelmed and depressed - have you thought about talking to her about what you can do? If she is actually depressed, that may not help either and you need to look at finding someone professional she can talk to - without you critiquing here on being 'gloomy'.

gads - your post reads to be entirely self centered. I know its probably just frustration leaking out - but you need to focus more closely on what you canb do to help her - and NOT assume that she can just suddenly be happy so that you would not be BORED and suffering from DEPRESSING GLOOM.

Also warm up to the idea that things will not be like the honeymoon now that you have a baby. Suck it up. Time for you to put in extra effort into making a home and not think of it as 'drudgery'.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

anotherguy said:


> You need, sir, to stop focusing so much on how this effects you personally. You have barely expressed any desire whatsoever in helping her in any way besides saving you inconvenience.


I'll play devil's advocate to your devil's advocate. First, people marry because they think it will be advantageous for them. They don't marry because they have a deep need to serve another person for life. If the OP's wife has flipped the marriage from mutually beneficial to a man serving a woman, then I think the OP has every right to be upset about that development.



anotherguy said:


> This looks pretty clearly like she is perhaps overwhelmed and depressed - have you thought about talking to her about what you can do? If she is actually depressed, that may not help either and you need to look at finding someone professional she can talk to - without you critiquing here on being 'gloomy'.


I'm no psychiatrist. And if I were, I sure as hell wouldn't diagnose someone with depression based off a second party's forum post. However, since we're all guessing here, I think it's more likely that she's just bored rather than needing professional help.



anotherguy said:


> I know its probably just frustration leaking out - but you need to focus more closely on what you canb do to help her - and NOT assume that she can just suddenly be happy so that you would not be BORED and suffering from DEPRESSING GLOOM.


I don't entirely disagree with this. Athol Kay posted a quote that stuck with me. "If you're boring, she's whoring." So, if she's bored, I think you have some of the burden to shake things up to keep her interested.



anotherguy said:


> Also warm up to the idea that things will not be like the honeymoon now that you have a baby. Suck it up. Time for you to put in extra effort into making a home and not think of it as 'drudgery'.


If the sex stopped as soon as the baby came, it may be an hormonal issue that will dissipate after breast feeding stops. However, if this wife was using sex merely to get pregnant, and now that the mission has been accomplished, she expects the OP to be happy as a daddy and forget that he has the right to be treated as a husband, then she expects too much. Parenting with a roommate rather than with a spouse is drudgery.


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## mousecat (Nov 28, 2011)

anotherguy said:


> I know its probably not the right thing to read too much 'tone' in a post like this, but really - you sound pretty self centered here, so let me play devils advocate...


Yes you are right, I am self centred because I want to have sex and be happy in the marriage and I want to enjoy my life as a man not just as a father. I did not realise the two were mutually exclusive. I guess I am self centred for wanting a happy marriage.




> She has put on weight. OK - it is the first thing on your list of issues so I can see this is a problem for you.


Yes it's a problem because I know it is one of the things that makes her miserable and I don't like seeing my wife miserable.



> 'Tiresome' health problems, seriously?


Yes, seriously. Health problems can be extremely tiresome. If you have never experienced this feeling then I think you should consider yourself amazingly lucky.



> Is it an inconvenience for you to have a sick wife? Bored Bored Bored? (oh, sorry.. all CAPS - BORED BORED BORED).


Yes. It is. Another issue, another negative thing, and another source of misery, and another reason for there to be no sex. It is a pretty big inconvenience.



> You need, sir, to stop focusing so much on how this effects you personally.


Yes, silly me. How selfish of me to think about my own misery.



> You have barely expressed any desire whatsoever in helping her in any way besides saving you inconvenience.


It wasn't relevant for my post, but since you brought it up, there is absolutely no way of helping her because she does not want to be helped. I cannot physically make her do excercise or control what she eats, she has to want that for herself. I have tried every single thing under the sun to make her feel sexy but nothing and I mean NOTHING works. She does not have anything medically wrong with her at all, she has NOT got post natal depression or anything like that. I, however, do feel like I am depressed, because my marriage and my future seem to be draining away down the toilet.



> You need to stop comparing her with her mother and think a little bit ourside your little personal needs.


My "little personal needs" eh? 
I would love to know if you would consider an 18 month absence of sex to be a little personal need. Or the absence of a laugh, a giggle, a smile between husband and wife to be a little personal need. Or the fact I cannot even get her to cuddle up to me on the sofa in front of the television any more. These "little personal needs" are the building blocks of a marriage. And I want the marriage to work, not just for me personally, but for her, and for our darling son. Your comment about "my little personal needs", SIR, is quite simply, stupid and poorly considered.



> You say 'I want to be happy again'. No $#iT sherlock, I bet she feels the same way.


Actually, no, she doesn't. She enjoys the misery. That's the whole point. She shows no sign of wanting to be happy again, or if she does, she doesn't care enough to make an ounce of effort toward our marriage.



> This looks pretty clearly like she is perhaps overwhelmed and depressed


No, she's not, there is no diagnosis of depression whatsoever, and she appears perfectly happy to sit around eating cake and watching tv and f*cking around with her iphone. I mean seriously, she's happy about it. She sees no problem.



> gads - your post reads to be entirely self centered. I know its probably just frustration leaking out - but you need to focus more closely on what you canb do to help her


You are so wrong. There is NOTHING I or anyone else can do, because she sees there to be no problem in the marriage at all, despite my continued efforts to tell her there is a problem.



> Also warm up to the idea that things will not be like the honeymoon now that you have a baby. Suck it up.


18 months. No sex. That means none since conception, and none since birth either. I am not expecting to be having sex on a daily basis, but once a month would be something. Perhaps your threshold of what can be "sucked up" is different to mine. But I doubt there are many married men who would not get a little bit miserable about an 18 month drought.



> Time for you to put in extra effort into making a home and not think of it as 'drudgery'.


Oh, do you mean the home I work my ass off to pay for? Yes? the home I purchased, and where I pay all the bills, and where I get absolutely NOTHING in return? The home where I make constant and continuuous efforts to be nice and loving and helpful to her, but get NOTHING back? Right then. I see.

Man, you are so quick to jump to conclusions that it's almost laughable.


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## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

I am sorry for your situation. My biggest advice to you would be to show her the letter you wrote here, or modify it some, let her read it while you are there, and try to discuss it. Perhaps she just doesnt realize quite how bad things really are. We tend to focus so much on the baby once they come, that sometimes we forget our husbands. I really think you need to tell her that this is so important, that you are thinking of a life with out her. She NEEDS to know how bad it is for you. I dont think you are selfish, you are asking for help to save your marriage. My husband and I went thru a very very hard time this summer, and it all stemmed from him not talking to me about the things bothering him, he thought I would be mad, so he avoided it. We now communicate so much better, and find a great marriage counselor and ask DW to go with you.,


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## janemilda (Dec 21, 2011)

I don't think a man is selfish for wanting affection, attention, intimacy and appreciation for all the things that he does to support a household and family.

After my first kid, my interest in my husband dropped off dramatically. It did take a while to pick back up. I'd say give it a few months IF you think the new baby could be the root of the problem. Believe me, taking care of an infant is a lot harder than you might think.

That said, I think a long, hard conversation needs to happen where you lay out everything you said here (in perhaps a gentle way). Explain your needs. Discuss the issues you are having in your marriage. And then try to work together to find a solution.

Perhaps, given her personality as you've described it, the best approach might be for you to say, "You don't seem happy. What can I do to help you with that?" And then you can follow up by saying, "I'm not happy either. Here's what I need from you."

Good luck, man.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

She sounds like a couple of ppl I know. They are consummate victims. There behavior is exactly as you describe. In watching them over the years I notice they never admit any responsibility for anything. Its always someone else's fault, always! As soon as I see them they immediately take whatever conversation we are having in a whoa is me direction. It is depressing to even be around them so I avoid them like the plague. 

All I can do is offer the usual counseling advice and some sympathy. I hope you find some peace dude!


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## laila123 (Jan 3, 2012)

Hi Mousecat -

Ive been in your wifes situation and remember how depressing it was becoming a person I didn't want to become. Going back to my job kind of helped me get back on track, but your absolutely right,in that she needs to want to get better in order to start. However until then can I suggest - find someone to babysit one evening - and convince your wife to go for a night out. What did you both enjoy doing before having your child?

Also compliment her in front of others (even though you may not want to), and persevere. When she starts seeing what a gentleman you are to her in front of others, and seeing their admiration for you, she may soften up a bit. 

If you can treat her to a pamper day - or tell her to go on a girls day out. When I received compliments from other people, my confidence grew even more.

Also, most importantly tell her how you feel, but be sensitive in the way you put it, even though you may not want to. And ask her what support she would like from you to help her get back on track. But repeat this over some time, and then at least you know you did everything in your power to help.

I gained so much weight after my 2 pregnancies, and lost my identity. I felt guilty for being selfish and self obsessed with myy negative state, but realised I dint want my babies to see me in this way. I went out a couple of times with friends, starting seeing the happier side of life. Then I went back to the gym - Lost loads of weight and made a positive impact.

good luck


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

mousecat - fair enough. You took my devils advocate stance - and promptly, and sarcastically disposed of every point as if you have no part to play in the situation whatsoever besides beng a victim. I'm not trying to be a mean spirited prick here, really. This isnt about casting blame. What I do see is your reaching out to site like this for help, but an utter lack of willingness to examine within for ways for you yourself to *take* control of the situation and impliment action. If what you say is true, and your wife is unwilling or unable to act (or even see the necessity of acting), then you need to do something here - and it needs to be you, and it needs to be soon.

You say - "There is NOTHING I or anyone else can do...". Dont you see that if you think that way, you are setting yourself up for no resolution whatsoever. You are doomed to fail - and you are going to blame your wife for every.single.thing. - which does not get you any closer to anything besides more of the same.

You say "She does not have anything medically wrong with her at all, she has NOT got post natal depression or anything like that." but you still go on about her 'tiresome health problems' and their recurrence. This particular point bothers me, maybe above all else. One thing I would guess she needs, is unyielding, unqualified support from you if she has something going on. I mean your full attention, concern, and support. It may be exceedingly hard considering where you are at emotionally but I'd suggest really paying close attention to this point. Its is not a gigantic leap from assuming that someone is trivializing your physical problems to assuming they do not value you as a person either. What have you done to help, nothing, or have you done everything perfectly? (an obviously loaded question right?)

I said: "You have barely expressed any desire whatsoever in helping her in any way besides saving you inconvenience." and you replied: "It wasn't relevant for my post".

OK. Im listening. What are you going to do? Just whine and complain and try and find someone to agree with you?

I can see the phone thing is a problem. How about killing your cell phone accounts? and I mean BOTH of them. Show that you are willing to sacrifice too, as a team, to try and shake SOMETHING loose here. That at least would show some kind of shared sacrifice. Maybe thats a terribly bad idea if she feels like its her only conduit to the outside world.. does she have a car? 

I havent met a woman yet that has both withdrawn and blimped up in a marriage that was as happy as you say she is. Not knowing either of you whatsoever - or what you are going through - I'm going to remain a bit skeptical on that point. You say "I don't like seeing my wife miserable" but you also say "she's happy about it. She sees no problem." Which is it?

By the way - I think you are dong the right thing by at least trying to figure it out, but let me ask you this: How do you think she would feel after reading this thread so far, or how would she interpret it?


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## friendlyguy (Jan 16, 2012)

If you marriage sucks, then do this:

1) Don't read the riot act or complain to your mate, it will do NO GOOD! She already does not care about you for now....she may later.
2) Start going to a gym to work-out 2-3x a week...gyms are full of happy people, even if you don't talk to them, their positive energy rubs off on you.
3) Go to a movie when you spouse can't go! Like when she is at her sisters! Movies are fun, and since she is not going, she can't complain about it later.
4) Start going to bookstores and looking at novels, or just browsing...get my drift...spend time away from her!
5) Find a good buddy or friend who can meet you for a beer or lunch on short notice.

Your spouse has no right to ruin your life with her negativity...you may not get divorced right now, but that does not mean that you can't find excellent and reasonable excuse to be away from her till she gets her life back together! Cheers!


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