# Is it worth not trying anymore?



## charlotte2 (Dec 16, 2011)

I've been thinking about not initiating at all in the hope that my partner will then start to again.

I am just scared that by doing this he won't be bothered. I cant actually remember when he last initiated anything.

Two nights ago i was asleep when he came to bed and he lay behind me and put his hand on my thigh between my legs but then just did nothing i tried moving to let him know i was awake but no just left his hand still. 

I brought some stuff for christmas nothing to much because of his lack of interest lately things like massage oils, body paint etc. I told him about it while having sex and he liked the idea then but since then nothing its all still in its packing.

We got a porn dvd about 3 months ago to watch together but its never been out of its box even tho he said he wanted one to watch with me again this was while having sex he said it.

I just want to feel wanted again.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Have you refused him often in the past. Do you let him do the sex the way he wants to do it. Have you at all discussed it with him. You dont mention if it was at any time different. I would not suggest watching this at all. It would make matters worse.


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## charlotte2 (Dec 16, 2011)

I have probably refused 3 times in the almost 5 years we have been together and have always given him a reason why. I am up for trying almost anything and he knows this (only thing i wouldn't do is bring anyone else in to our bed and he agrees with this).

Yes it used to be very diffrent as in he used to initiate just as much as me and as a result we used to have a lot of sex.

I have tried discussing it with him which never goes well he says there is no problem.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You havent replied to if you have discussed this with him. I am almost sure you have. So what does he say.


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## charlotte2 (Dec 16, 2011)

Sorry just edited my last post to say i have tried discussing it with him and he always says there is no problem everything is fine. 
It don't feel fine to me tho to be turned down so much and never have him acting like he wants me 1st.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Well he must have told you why he doesnt want sex. Or does he think this is also 'fine' and normal.


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## charlotte2 (Dec 16, 2011)

He won't discuss it anymore then to say everything is fine. If i try to carry on the conversation then he will say it never stays as often as it was in the beginning. If i try to much then he will say i have ruined sex for him by keep bringing it up therefore i don't talk about it anymore.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You dont say your ages or how long youve been married (you dont have to) but I think he is still too young for that excuse.
Most likely if its true this has happened because he has watched videos. Do you believe it. If so you have to find the cause.
So basically he is trying and just cant. If thats the case you cant really complain. But again you dont have to put up with it. 
Maybe you have somehow ridiculed him in the past about it. Men are very sensitive to this. 
You have really to tell him that he can do whatever he likes and whatever he is able to do. You dont mind what. You wont analyse it. 
This will give him more confidence and even improve him.


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## charlotte2 (Dec 16, 2011)

He is 31 and i am 29. We have been together almost 5 years.
I ageee that things can slow down from the beginning as then we had sex multiple times a day but not to how it is now which is once every 10 days about. Then tho thats only my initiating that gets us that. 

I don't see how i have ever ridiculed him over it i always try to just tell him how it is making me feel. 
Its not a case of him trying and not able its just a case of him not trying at all. 

I have tried telling him he can do whatever he wants to me we used to do that quite a bit to each other now he just don't seem bothered.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

What about the rest of your lives. Are you both working. Is he happy in his job etc.


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## charlotte2 (Dec 16, 2011)

Everything else is fine. We get on well are best friends. Jobs are fine nothing to stressful. We have 2 children one who is ours and one is mine from previous relationship. I take care of the children and house and always try to make things as unstressful as possible. 
I am beginning to think its just me that he don't fancy anymore. 
In my previous marriage i went off sex completely and that was because i didn't see my husband in the same way anymore we were just friends. I ended it after many months of counseling as it wasn't fair on my ex husband.
So i have seen it from both sides.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Thanks. From your first post I would have thought he was trying and somehow got scared and held back. So you are experienced in failure and really want to make this marriage work. You dont mention your H history but I gather its similar to yours. The real question is does he really want to make it work. 
I think you can somehow get it to work and there is something that is bothering him. 
I am sorry I cant be more helpful, maybe others will post as well. 
I dont think buying him such things is a good idea that is pushing him. I am sure a good counsellor could also help you more. There are things which you most likely consider irrelevant which you are not telling us. 
I find it strange that every single thing is ok just not the sex.


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## charlotte2 (Dec 16, 2011)

Thankyou for your replys.
I know its strange that everything else is ok of course it may only be ok for me and if you asked him he may give a diffrent answer although he always tells me everything is fine.
My partner has got a history of cheating with his past relationships which i didn't find out about until quite far in to our relationship. I know he isn't cheating on me at the moment but i do worry that is where we will end up. If he isn't having sex with me how long until he wants it elsewhere.
I love him so much and i am so desperate to make it work.
He won't see a counsellor i have segested that before wgen things where not good between us. He refused saying they don't help and we broke up for 5 weeks.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

About 2 years ago, i approached my wife in bed, while naked, she ordered me to put my clothes back on. We were going through a rough patch sexually to begin with... that pretty much destroyed me and i haven't been right since. I find it extremely hard to initiate anymore since then. If nothing traumatic happened to you guys sexually, then i suggest he's got some inner demons he's battling in regards to you. It just isn't natural for a man to be this way.

If he wants to continue to shrug this off like its no big deal, you may have to consider leaving him. Better now before you get married.


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## charlotte2 (Dec 16, 2011)

I have been trying to think of anything i have done to make him not try anymore but i can't think of anything.

I have wrote letters to him before always nice and telling him how much i love him and miss what we had before. All that ever does is lead to a argument and normally get told i ain't normal for the way i feel and that normal people don't write letters or discuss it as sex just happens in a relationship. When i say well not in ours he will blame me and the fact i tryed to talk about it. So now i just ain't going to talk about it at all and see if that helps


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Men are simple non judgmental creatures in relation to sex. He's not looking for your excessively subtle passive 'participation'. Men love touch touch touch, smell, taste, touch. Men aren't interested in women who endlessly preamble their preambles with discussions about planning to talk about planning to arrange a time to discuss further plans. Maybe your man's not a bottom but he's probably wanting a more aggressive participation from you.


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## StStephen65 (Dec 13, 2011)

charlotte2 said:


> I've been thinking about not initiating at all in the hope that my partner will then start to again.
> 
> I am just scared that by doing this he won't be bothered. I cant actually remember when he last initiated anything.n.


Almost five years ago, I got tired of getting shot down and wife never initiating anything so I decided I would stop and if she wanted it she would initiate. I am still waiting. I've heard of others in same boat. If partner isn't initiating now, prolly nothing is gonna get them to. If you've got a good relationship otherwise, don't do it or you'll end up sexless mad and possibly a little bitter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

charlotte2 said:


> I have been trying to think of anything i have done to make him not try anymore but i can't think of anything.
> 
> I have wrote letters to him before always nice and telling him how much i love him and miss what we had before. All that ever does is lead to a argument and normally get told i ain't normal for the way i feel and that normal people don't write letters or discuss it as sex just happens in a relationship. When i say well not in ours he will blame me and the fact i tryed to talk about it. So now i just ain't going to talk about it at all and see if that helps


I wouldn't always suggest it but in your case not bringing it up might be a good idea. Try it for a month and see what happens. Don't ignore him though, still let him know he's loved and you respect him, just don't bother him about sex or mention sex at all. Pretend he's got a horrible sore on his penis and there's no possible way you could have sex. IF he initiates it, then don't deny him.


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