# In need of advice



## mr.green (Feb 10, 2013)

I'm looking for advice to understand what my wife is feeling and how I could possibly work with her and help our relationship. She has some difficulty explaining her feelings to me as she is still coming to terms with them herself.

Our basic history is that we've have been together for about 15 years and been married for 6½ years. In the first few years the relationship was an on/off one, but we reached a point about 8/9 years ago that the relationship was stable and things moved along very well.

The issues became noticable after the birth of our second child and came to a head during the spring of 2012. This is when my wife told me she was having real issues with intimacy between us. We went to a relationship counsellor for a number of months which helped us work through some issues and things improved. I did feel this never got to why this was happening, what were the reasons for this change. 

During the past year things have be ok, good days and bad days, but this intimacy issue has not gone away nor has my wife been able to understand and explain it. Things have recently gone bad again and my wife has told me she cares and worries about like you would a brother, but she doesn't have the feelings for me as a husband. My wife also has started to read some books and see if she can talk to someone herself. She has said that she has read that how she is feeling is quite normal in women after child birth and a lot of women go through this.
I would like to hear from people who have gone through something simular so I can try and understand what she is going through and assist her and our personal and family relationship. I love my wife and daughters very much and want to do everything I can to help so if anyone does have advice or experiences they could share I would be grateful.

Regards
Samuel


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

No experience to tell you about, but I *would* have your wife go to Individual Counseling to figure out WHY this is going on.

Going by herself will help her to be COMPLETELY HONEST with her therapist (something she may be unwilling to do in couples counseling with you...I don't know, just something to consider).

Going by herself puts the onus on HER to figure things out since SHE appears to be the one with the problem. She has not told you of anything you're doing/failing to do that is leading her to want less intimacy with you.

The sooner she starts IC, the sooner she may find some resolution.

Good luck, Samuel!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Mr Green You have given us the broadest idea of what brought you here, but this is nowhere near what is needed to help you. 

You ask if there are others with experience of falling out of love with their husbands and I can assure you there are many, including myself. But the reasons and particulars tend to be very different for each of us. Each person has their own emotional need to be met for love to exist. As our lives change, those emotional needs change as well.

If you would like to get some help and advice, you are going to have to give more information about what is going on. What exactly did your wife say to you? What were the particulars of the conversation?

You may find, that writing out your view point and understanding of the situation here first, to be helpful when you seek MC with your wife. Sometimes it can help crystallize things, other times it allows insignificant minutiae to be addressed so the way is cleared for more important things.


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## Quantmflux (Feb 6, 2013)

I wonder what books she is reading and if she is sort of selectively interpreting what they say. I find it hard to believe that, as a general statement, women viewing their husbands platonically after childbirth is "normal".

If that *is* normal, I'd be really curious why since it would seem to inevitably trigger a break in the relationship (wife views husband as brother, intimacy dies, husband struggles to understand it, wife goes cold, husband turns to porn or PA if he can, wife ultimately has PA once kids are in school) 

I would assume that can't possibly be a "normal" cycle from a human behavior standpoint. Not that it doesn't happen, but I suspect when it does it is because of other contributing factors, some of which may have already existed *before* the child but were exacerbated by it.

Getting to the root cause would be an absolute requirement of "fixing" it, IMO. Assuming it is "normal" is likely to just cause the problem to quietly escalate over time.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Quantmflux said:


> I wonder what books she is reading and if she is sort of selectively interpreting what they say. I find it hard to believe that, as a general statement, women viewing their husbands platonically after childbirth is "normal".


I don't know if "normal" is the right word, but it's very common. There are probably hundreds of threads here with the same story. 

I think this is one of the most common problems on this entire forum. And it would be great to get to some kind of list of potential solutions for it.


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## KeepLoveGrowing (Feb 1, 2013)

My advice would be to get her into personal counselling. Also, try to give her a fresh perspective. Take her out on dates, take up new couples hobbies, do spontaneous things. Basically, court her again like a new couple. It is something she will have to work through, but you need to show her you are going to be there to work through it with her as best you can.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Quantmflux said:


> I wonder what books she is reading and if she is sort of selectively interpreting what they say. I find it hard to believe that, as a general statement, women viewing their husbands platonically after childbirth is "normal".


I was thinking the same thing. I'd want to know what she read too. Like what I've got the babies so now I'm going to look at you as a brother? I know Drover is right we hear stories like this often - way too often on TAM. It's just sad and since I wasn't like that after kids I have no advice.


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