# Hiding it from the kids



## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

Mine are young: 7 and 5, and it is obvious to them things are not right at home. The older one knows a lot, he is connecting the dots and keeps asking me questions about why we argue, if daddy will not live with us, that kind of thing. He is afraid and stressed and I don't know how to help him. 

I blame myself for not being able to conceal the drama from them. It has only been a month since the affair ended and I'm all over the place, to put it mildly.

Any advice on how to handle this with the kids is very welcome.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Who was the wayward spouse?

As for shielding them, they should know about it in an age appropriate way. Don't hide it from them because then they will draw their own conclusions from this situation, which often leads to them thinking that whatever is off is their own fault.

Concealment does far more damage for that reason.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You need to be age-appropriately TRUTHFUL with them. Don't try to hide it or minimize it - that will only make it harder on them. Kids are smart - they tune in when parents try to hide things.

Obviously don't give them all the gory details, but you need to sit them down and tell them what's happening.

So what exactly IS happening? Have you kicked his sorry ass out? I am assuming it was him who cheated......


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Just count this as an echo of the above posts. I was honest with mine. Now that they're adults I believe I made the right decision.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> Who was the wayward spouse?
> 
> As for shielding them, they should know about it in an age appropriate way. Don't hide it from them because then they will draw their own conclusions from this situation, which often leads to them thinking that whatever is off is their own fault.
> 
> Concealment does far more damage for that reason.


*Regardless of who the unfaithful party was, the kids need to know the absolute truth, with as little prejudicial detail as possible, but only with how it might come to effect their lifestyle!*


----------



## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

Thanks for the replies.

My husband cheated. A is over, we are living together and want to repair the marriage. But I am still having meltdowns and sometimes the kids can hear us.

I have told my son that daddy has done something bad to me and that I am hurting a lot. The boy is very concerned about us splitting up and I assured him that we want to stay together as a family and that things will get better. This is all I have told him. The younger one is a true stiff upper lip type who doesn't show her feelings. I am very gentle with her and give her many cuddles, because that is how she seeks comfort and assurance.

Should I say more to them at this stage?


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I think it was a mistake to say that 'daddy did something bad to mommy'. No matter what, I think it's extremely important to NEVER say anything detrimental about the other parent to a kid. No matter WHAT. But that's water under the bridge at this point.

Why did you not kick his cheating ass out the moment you found out?

Have you been STD tested? Has he?

Is he willing to chop off his left arm for you right now? Is he grovelling and begging?


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What proof has he provided that the A is over?

As for your kids, all they really need to know is that you and daddy are NOT on the verge of a break up at this point in time. Tell them you hope it will never happen but don't promise that it won't. And tell them TOGETHER. He should NOT be leaving it all up to you and you alone!!!! Tell them you and daddy love them tons and always will no matter what. Explain that neither of you are going anywhere and then tell your sorry-assed husband that he'd damned well better keep THAT promise even if you do end up divorcing his cheating lying hide.


----------



## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

Hope1964 said:


> Why did you not kick his cheating ass out the moment you found out?
> 
> Have you been STD tested? Has he?
> 
> Is he willing to chop off his left arm for you right now? Is he grovelling and begging?




He told me about the A, moved out, came back. After a few weeks I packed my stuff and went to stay with family.

Tested - no issues.


He is grovelling, begging and chopping off his arm as I type


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Has he started IC to try and figure out WHY he's a lying cheating piece of you-know-what?


----------



## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

Hope1964 said:


> Has he started IC to try and figure out WHY he's a lying cheating piece of you-know-what?


He has. He understands why he did it. The explanation makes sense to me, I came to the same conclusion. 

I wish I hadn't told the boy that daddy did something bad to me, but my son figured that out and asked me questions. I was not thinking clearly and tried to explain it somehow but probably made things worse. Water under the bridge as you said. I don't want to mess up with the kids in the future.


----------



## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Hi sorry you are going through this. 

Whereas I am almost always of the opinion that we create a secure environment for our kids by being honest and open, life is not so black and white. I have seen it time and time again where parents overshare their marital problems with children. This can result in the children taking on the problems of the parents - sometimes they blame themselves. So basically, if you decide to share this information with the kids it is really important that it is done sensitively. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...305/should-the-children-know-youve-had-affair

I like this article and agree with it. My husband and I have had some serious issues in our marriage but I think it would have been highly inappropriate to share the details with our children. But in your situation it may be helpful or even necessary. 

Good luck.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Has he provided proof, and will he continue to provide proof, that his cheating days are over?

It is VERY important that you not accept anything less than 100% true remorse from him. Here's a thread that has a wealth of info in it but that is very important to understand.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/430739-post1.html


----------



## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

Hope,

I don't have hard proof but rely on his behaviour. It changed drastically after he ended it so I now assume it truly is over. I really believe it is. The fog is gone too, he is back to normal. 

I'm not exactly a mellow person and I am not letting him just get away with it. I am not settling for anything but true remorse and him being willing to chop his arm off. He knows he has messed up and is willing to do anything to save our marriage.


----------



## JayOwen (Oct 26, 2016)

Chiming in to add that in my case my children were aware of something in the immediate aftermath, I explained that their mother and I had a disagreement and that she had been extremely mean (my kids are as young or younger). But I have not shared more details than that.

The oldest was tapped into something being amiss and made drawings asking us to "never stop loving each other" which was a huge burden to deal with (as a guy in his mid-30s I've never sat on the floor uncontrollably crying except when my daughter gave me that picture and I quickly stepped into the other room).

It may be the wrong approach, but I think telling them just enough that they know "yes, I'm right in feeling like something is amiss" but not beyond that was the right call for me. Both WW and I reassured them that they were safe and we loved them and things have been better from their perspective. 

it helps that my wife an I no longer fight like we once did, one positive outcome of the process we're going through now. So in that sense my kids saw "evidence" that we weren't just lying to them and saying things would get better.

That may not be the case for you, so take my experience with a grain of salt. It's a tough age to have difficult conversations with them, they're still little enough to only want things to be okay.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Aletta said:


> I don't have hard proof but rely on his behaviour. It changed drastically after he ended it so I now assume it truly is over. I really believe it is. The fog is gone too, he is back to normal.
> 
> I'm not exactly a mellow person and I am not letting him just get away with it. I am not settling for anything but true remorse and him being willing to chop his arm off. He knows he has messed up and is willing to do anything to save our marriage.


This is all important and kudos to you for insisting on it.

Part of him showing true remorse should be that, given the opportunity (ie you asking for it) he should WANT to provide you with all the proof he can, that he's behaving. So his phone, email, bank accounts, devices, computers, EVERYthing, whatever YOU need, needs to be an open book for you. And he needs to want it to be. He needs to want you you trust him again, and that's part of it.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Aletta said:


> Mine are young: 7 and 5, and it is obvious to them things are not right at home. The older one knows a lot, he is connecting the dots and keeps asking me questions about why we argue, if daddy will not live with us, that kind of thing. He is afraid and stressed and I don't know how to help him.
> 
> I blame myself for not being able to conceal the drama from them. It has only been a month since the affair ended and I'm all over the place, to put it mildly.
> 
> Any advice on how to handle this with the kids is very welcome.


You're probably being way too hard on yourself.

Kids are far more perceptive than a lot of people seem to think they are.


----------



## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

Hope1964 said:


> This is all important and kudos to you for insisting on it.
> 
> Part of him showing true remorse should be that, given the opportunity (ie you asking for it) he should WANT to provide you with all the proof he can, that he's behaving. So his phone, email, bank accounts, devices, computers, EVERYthing, whatever YOU need, needs to be an open book for you. And he needs to want it to be. He needs to want you you trust him again, and that's part of it.


If he refused, would you see this as a major problem? 
(I probably sound very naive now, right?)


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Aletta said:


> If he refused, would you see this as a major problem?
> (I probably sound very naive now, right?)


As in something that should prompt your run-of-the-mill, sane person with a reasonable amount of self-respect person to pull the plug and file?

Yes.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Aletta,

I think an age appropriate way to tell your children is to say that "Daddy had a girlfriend, and married people are not supposed to have girlfriends". Your H has had an affair and needs to face the consequences one of which is loss of reputation and respect. 

You should not be forced to tell lies to your children to save your Hs face, you have done nothing wrong and do not have to keep quiet about your Hs crime against you. 

The children also need to know that none of this is their fault. Children sometimes blame themselves for domestic turmoil.

The children should also be told the identity of the OW and that she is not a friend of their family. This is especially important if your H has exposed your children to the OW. If the OW is a Mother from your kids class you may have to switch schools.

Tamat


----------



## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

Tamat,

I'm afraid that the kids would be completely traumatised if I told them. I hope that if we recover they will never hear about this again. If the marriage fails I will tell them why. I'm just worried about saying too much too soon. WH and I have caused enough pain for them by arguing. I wish I could hide my pain from them to protectem, but I can't. I wear everything on my sleeve.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Aletta,

That's what I call the reverse victimization of an affair, the person cheated on thinks they have to keep the cheaters secret for them. They swallow all their pain and often have nobody to share it with or get support from. If some stole $5000 from you I think you would tell everyone, well your H stole something more precious than money from.

One thing which does not work is rugsweeping the issues need to be brought out. 

Tamat


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Aletta said:


> If he refused, would you see this as a major problem?
> (I probably sound very naive now, right?)


Yes, a major problem. And no, you aren't naive. You think like most people do - that somehow maybe part of this is your fault and that you have no right to demand transparency now. Which it most assuredly is NOT your fault and you most assuredly DO have that right. You in fact will NEED to have that transparency going forward if you want to fully recover. And like I said, he should WANT you to have that transparency. If he doesn't, he doesn't deserve R with you. If he doesn't, there can be no R. There can just be 'staying married', which isn't R at all.

As far as telling the kids there's an OW and stuff, I totally agree with you. They're too young to know anything about 'daddy's girlfriend'. MAYBE when they're older, if you do end up splitting and they ask why, but certainly not at this age.

As far as keeping things to yourself - you DO need someone to confide in but NOT your kids.


----------



## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

I have talked to several good friends so I'm not suffering in silence. People have been very supportive and not judgemental about me wanting to stay in the marriage.

Thank you for your advice regarding transparency. I think I still see what I want it to be true, rather than seeing things for what they are.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Read the newbie thread I linked. It is seriously gold.


----------



## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

Hope1964 said:


> Read the newbie thread I linked. It is seriously gold.


I have, thank you for the link.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

How about explaining that when people get married they make special very serious promises and that Daddy broke his promise and you are very hurt and upset? Kids that age can certainly understand promises and why someone would be upset at a broken promise. Then you could go on to say that you and Daddy are trying very hard to repair your relationship.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

TAMAT said:


> Aletta,
> 
> I think an age appropriate way to tell your children is to say that "Daddy had a girlfriend, and married people are not supposed to have girlfriends". Your H has had an affair and needs to face the consequences one of which is loss of reputation and respect.
> 
> ...


I agree fully with @TAMAT. Those are exactly the words I was going to suggest using: "Daddy had a girlfriend..."
Your husband has to own what he did to you, but even more importantly, he must own it in the eyes of his children. This is also teaching your children that they are responsible for all of their choices in life, good and bad.

Only you can decide if your husband is being genuinely remorseful... or genuine naugahyde remorseful. TAM folks would have a pretty good idea based on his behavior which type he is exhibiting.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Aletta said:


> Hope,
> 
> I don't have hard proof but rely on his behaviour. It changed drastically after he ended it so I now assume it truly is over. I really believe it is. The fog is gone too, he is back to normal.
> 
> I'm not exactly a mellow person and I am not letting him just get away with it. I am not settling for anything but true remorse and him being willing to chop his arm off. He knows he has messed up and is willing to do anything to save our marriage.


Cheating is a deal breaker for me personally, but if I were to ever stay...the only way I would...is if I still loved my husband and if he still loved me. Where there is love, there might be hope. Do you still love him? Does he love you? (Not sure how much someone loves you if he cheated, but...people can change, if they want to, I guess)


----------

