# Sharing a hobby?



## UnsureWhat2Do (Aug 18, 2014)

Hello... I'm new here. Let me first apologize for the lengthy post below.
My wife and I have been together for about 14 years now. A few years ago we decided to take up a hobby together. We got into a team sport league where there are a number of married couples.
As it happened we started out going to a new players clinic to see if we would enjoy this past time and we did. As it happened my wife fell into the opportunity to get the expensive gear needed to compete for quite a deal. She then started without me and for a year as I worked to find the right gear for me, she was gone just about every weekend without me competing.
This extra year ahead of me has allowed her to rise in the ranks above where I am at this point. 
I do pretty good as last year I won the rookie of the year award and had a number of wins with those who I happened to team up with at the events.
This year I seem to be in a sophomore slump of some sorts. Those higher in the ranks just seem to pass me over when looking to create a team. Many times, my wife and I are approached by one of the higher ranked players and they will ask her if she has any availability to join their team for the event. She will often reply that she cannot but I am available to which they reply oh well or something and walk away in search for another.
Going to these events involves an entry fee for each time one wants to play. Needless to say the more you play the more it costs. Prizes are awarded to the winning team, so there is an incentive to want to win. Hence the reason my wife with a year more experience gets preferred over me.
I get asked to join teams but find myself having to team up with those left on the sidelines like myself. We aren't "in the click" and do the best we can. Sometimes we get luck on our side and do win; but more often than not, it is those "in the click".
My wife is obsessed with the game and the community of folks whom we do this with, why well because she is usually winning.
It goes without saying that while winning isn't everything, losing all the time stinks.
At this point, I don't know what to do anymore. I feel as though I am just wasting my money to attempt to go to an event that my wife really doesn't care if I am there or not.
She and I sometime will team up with others; but I find the team she puts together usually involves myself and another usually found on the sidelines as those "in the click" are already signed up.
If I stop going, she will continue to go without me as she did for that year, having a great time without me while I sit home alone.
Not sure what to do  I'm pretty miserable about it.
Thanks for taking the time to get this far


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I think your problem is the idea that she will be out having fun while you're sitting at home. Why would you be sitting at home? Why not start a hobby you're actually into? My wife runs. I climb and cycle. When she's running a half marathon, I'm not sitting at home. I'm off doing something.

One piece of advice on this though..... don't ask for permission to have your own life. And don't ask for forgiveness. Just do it.


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## UnsureWhat2Do (Aug 18, 2014)

Working,
Thank you for the reply but the key thing about the hobby was that we would be doing it together.
She has other hobbies as I have other hobbies.
This was supposed to be for us to do together.
And for a year while she was off doing it and I was not, it was pretty lame. I had the option to go and watch everyone else have fun or stay home and mind the kids while she was gone for the whole weekend.
The kids are old enough now so we can go off a handful of times during the precious summer months and do something together. Right now it doesn't seem like we're doing it together, just two people in the same place doing the same thing.
There's a difference there to me.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So maybe this isn't the hobby for you guys to do together?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UnsureWhat2Do (Aug 18, 2014)

Maybe not... I'd be willing to give it up and find something else; but she is obsessed and has no intention of ever doing so.
My choice is to do it with her and have no fun and lose a lot of money in the process or let her go do it without me while I find a new life with someone else.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

Maybe playing in a competitive sports league with a draft isn't the best option. Most adult leagues have spouses automatically placed together. Sounds like an odd situation.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

How long before you become proficient enough to compete in her circles? Will it take too long? Will you? 

My wife shares a hobby of mine. I am quite more proficient at it than her. I have no qualms about leaving better competitors to play with her. There's our time and there's group time. Our time is a priority over all activities. The activity is only a way to enhance our time. 

Your problem here isn't the hobby, its that she is sharing your time with others. Maybe the talk should be about why this planed couples hobby got off the track and now its her hobby, not the planed couples time it was intended to be? 

Are you afraid to rain on her parade and ask her for that time back?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

UnsureWhat2Do said:


> Maybe not... I'd be willing to give it up and find something else; but she is obsessed and has no intention of ever doing so.
> My choice is to do it with her and have no fun and lose a lot of money in the process or let her go do it without me while I find a new life with someone else.


Why does it have to be so extreme? Why not let her do her thing, and you find something new to do together? You say that you already both have separate hobbies, so maybe she can give up some of them to do this one. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UnsureWhat2Do (Aug 18, 2014)

She won't give up any of her time or things that she wants to do.
Unfortunately she's pretty self centered in some ways.
We already had separate hobbies and I never saw her.
When it is that way, not only am I paying 70% of the bills; but also am doing 80% of chores around the house.
We are both pretty proficient in the sport. Its why I earned the rookie of the year award. She is a level ahead because of that year of going without me.
I dunno... I guess I should just give up. I wanted to do something to keep our marriage together. Guess I just shouldn't bother.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Seems like the hobby is the least of your worries...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Unsure, 

Its healthy to be an independent individual, but in a marriage, one's relationship with their spouse should be first on a list of list of priorities. According to your description of her, you're way down that list. 

This hobby sounds more like a desperate plan or manipulation on your part, to get a piece of her time. Was that you intention?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

UnsureWhat2Do said:


> She won't give up any of her time or things that she wants to do.
> Unfortunately she's pretty self centered in some ways.
> We already had separate hobbies and I never saw her.
> When it is that way, not only am I paying 70% of the bills; but also am doing 80% of chores around the house.
> ...


No you should bother, just in other ways. Ways that wouldn't allow her to have such control in the relationship. Ways where you might gain back some equilibrium of control. I'm not saying they will work either, but at least you'd have made you stand before it ended. Remember its not just you and her, there are children that deserve your effort too. They deserve that you to lead this family, not give up control over their lives to selfish hobbies. 

Browse Deejo's first thread at the top of this men's forum. Take a look at the discussions. You'll find it a good resource to start with. 

I recommend two books also (they're easy reads). Boundaries in a Marriage, by Cloud and Townsend, and No More Mr Nice Guy, by Glover.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Well seems to me that the goal was to do something together. If this isn't working out than find something else but this time start it together. If she doesn't want to give this up she will have to make time for it without interfering With you to doing something together


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

UnsureWhat2Do said:


> She won't give up any of her time or things that she wants to do.
> Unfortunately she's pretty self centered in some ways.
> We already had separate hobbies and I never saw her.
> When it is that way, not only am I paying 70% of the bills; but also am doing 80% of chores around the house.
> ...


If I read what you wrote correctly, you both agreed to take up this hobby as a couple after realizing it was something you two enjoyed. She purchased her gear and started and you waited for a year before buying yours or participating. I guess I don't understand why you are upset with her on this as it sounds like she did exactly what was agreed to. What am I missing?

Now with your further post, it sounds like this hobby isn't the issue. It sounds like you feel taken advantage of. That is what you should be focusing your concern on, not this activity. Have you talked with her about your feelings regarding finances and household work?


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## UnsureWhat2Do (Aug 18, 2014)

Thank you everyone who has replied.
I guess from my view, if the shoe was on the other foot and it was I who was given the gear, I would have waited or worked out a better situation from the beginning so that we would venture forth together into it, instead of the way it unfolded with only one of us being able to partake without the other.
When ever I attempt to speak to my wife about it, I'm only in the wrong anyway. From some of your posts you all feel the same as well.
So I am just wrong... again... as usual.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

No your not wrong. You're going about it wrong, if you want your wife to spend more of her time on the relationship. 

How much couple time do you share in a week?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

UnsureWhat2Do said:


> Thank you everyone who has replied.
> I guess from my view, if the shoe was on the other foot and it was I who was given the gear, I would have waited or worked out a better situation from the beginning so that we would venture forth together into it, instead of the way it unfolded with only one of us being able to partake without the other.
> When ever I attempt to speak to my wife about it, I'm only in the wrong anyway. From some of your posts you all feel the same as well.
> *So I am just wrong... again... as usual.*


*
*

How are you getting this. Seems most the advice is around talking to your wife and finding a new hobby you can both enjoy. If she wants to keep this one for her than that's fine but she still needs to make time for you and the new hobby you both do


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Unsure, 

I don't understand how are you not getting our message? Your wife is not right to put her time with the hobby over relationship time with you, or your family. That makes the problem your wife's behavior, not the hobby.

If she won't her change her behavior to accommodate time for the relationship, you can't force her. Since what you've been doing hasn't had much effect changing her mind toward the relationship, you need to change your behavior and what you're doing. Does that make sense to you? Have you read any of the suggested readings to get ideas?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

It sounds like you are creating covert contracts in your head, expecting a certain level of behavior, and then when it doesn't happen you get cranky.

Your reaction may or may not be on point. Where you're drastically failing is in vocalizing your expectations.

You can get pissy and complain on an internet forum, or you can grab your cajones and TALK to your wife. Figure out your boundaries and expectations and let her decide if she wants to play along.

According to your feelings, your wife was ignoring you: not cool
She changed a partner activity (your time), to her solo activity: not cool
You handle a majority of the finances and house work: not cool

Your options are a false dichotomy that you have set up in your head.

You COULD communicate your displeasure, let your wife know you need more time with her, and if she doesn't want to play ball (see what I did there?) you can start detaching and doing your own thing. I'd stop doing a lot of the household stuff you do for sure. You're enabling her by giving her your time, money, and effort around the house and she doesn't reciprocate. However, you need to tell her or else she may not even realize it.

Being Passive Aggressive is a doormat move. Don't avoid the confrontation.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

UnsureWhat2Do said:


> Working,
> Thank you for the reply but the key thing about the hobby was that we would be doing it together.


And that is your answer sir. You are doing it together. However, the entire weekend should not be relegated to this single activity as a couple. Specifically if it is one sided. I believe she has replaced you with the activity. After all, you said she does not care if you attend the events or not correct? If that is the case she needs to work as hard on your relationship as she does this hobby. I would recommend continuing to go with her even if it suck for you. I have gone to activities with my W that really is not my cup of tea. But I went in support. She does the same for me. I like classic cars. I own one. I attend shows. It is not her cup of tea. However, if the weather is right she will come with me. I go fun shopping with my W. Garden with my W. Not my cup of tea but we are doing it together. 

So, ask her to balance her time between the game and another activity that you enjoy. It is only fair.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

UnsureWhat2Do said:


> Thank you everyone who has replied.
> I guess from my view, if the shoe was on the other foot and it was I who was given the gear, I would have waited or worked out a better situation from the beginning so that we would venture forth together into it, instead of the way it unfolded with only one of us being able to partake without the other.
> When ever I attempt to speak to my wife about it, I'm only in the wrong anyway. From some of your posts you all feel the same as well.
> So I am just wrong... again... as usual.


No sir. Not wrong. Support your wife in the sport. How do you come to the conclusion you are wrong here or when speaking to your wife. 

Let me ask you something...how much time does your wife spend at these events? If you two are spending any less than 15 hours a week on nurturing H/W time there will be trouble. 

I'm quite convinced some can have EA with a sport or object. My brother has one with a car. It is more of an obsession. Is your wife obsessed with the game to the point it impedes a good healthy M?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

you, like Dr Frankenstein, have created a monster! 

If the purpose of the hobby was to spend time together, you missed the mark.

If she just needed a hobby, then let her, and find something else the two of you can do that is less competitive, like hiking....biking

if it was supposed to be a "together" thing, then she should probably drop it altogether.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Does sex count?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Quant said:


> Does sex count?


sure! Furries are a great hobby. You dress up like furry animals and have group sex, I believe.:rofl:


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I started cycling in May and wouldn't you know it, wifey tags along with my older daughter's bicycle... We cycle together 5-6 times a week for 1-2 hours a stretch.

Team sports are quite different as they involve much more interaction etc. But as my example above indicates you never know how deep the sports big will bite. I never thought I would love it so much and I never thought she would too...


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

What could they be playing, that takes a year to save up? Polo?


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

When this all started, did you ask your wife if she would wait to start the sport until you also got equipment or did you just assume she would because that's what you would do? 

I'm curious because you come across a bit passive aggressive given these quotes. 



UnsureWhat2Do said:


> I dunno... I guess I should just give up. I wanted to do something to keep our marriage together. Guess I just shouldn't bother.





UnsureWhat2Do said:


> When ever I attempt to speak to my wife about it, I'm only in the wrong anyway. From some of your posts you all feel the same as well.
> So I am just wrong... again... as usual.


I think others are feeling it too, hence the suggestion that you’re making covert contracts with your wife and then get put off when she doesn’t stick to her end of the bargain that you probably didn’t first discuss with her in the first place.

No offence but all I could picture is Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh (hey, don’t knock it, I have a toddler) but that same poor me vibe stuck out when reading this.


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