# Leaving and the stigma



## Sammiejo (Feb 26, 2016)

I think I am to the point in my marriage where I am ready to throw in the towel. Do not get me wrong I really love my husband. I always will. It has just come to a time where I think his personality is something that cannot be changed and is so draining to put up with anymore. I live in a very small town where everyone knows everyone and seems no one ever gets divorced. We will be of the few that does in this community. I have 3 children with him. He is highly respected in our community and very, very well liked. He is so well liked he was nominated as person of the year at his work and won. But our children have no relationship with him. He is very controlling. I have one child that constantly is wanting to run away to get away from him. It is to that point where I cannot avoid how bad he is making it for my children. Just the other day he seen a spot on the kitchen floor. He said in a loud voice what is on the floor. We all had to stop what we were doing to come see what it was and who might have put it there. It turned out to be a spot of tea and was only about an inch long. I hurried and wiped it up. I can go thru these kinds of things with him and no sooner does he get mad he will grab and hug on me. This is where over the years I just brush it off as his mood and we move on. However, my children are not as forgiving. They are getting angrier and angrier. I am doing damage control with him and them. I can forgive far too easy. At this moment, he is mad at me because of my dog in our house and he is withholding money from me. He has made me get rid of 2 other dogs and I refuse to let this one go. I do not work and he is the sole breadwinner. He just got paid and refuses to give me any money. He says he works, he gets paid, its his money. I understand he worked for it but I need groceries. Now, I know this is like everything else he will probably, yes probably, change in a couple of days and go ahead and give me money. This confuses me and there again I just add it up to his mood. There has also been the abuse of porn magazines. I caught him doing this and he had no regret. Said if i was a better wife then he would not be put in that situation. I felt awful. He does things and somehow can word it where I believe I am the wrong one. I feel miserable and take the guilt of being wrong. He has received texts from someone and said they were obviously sent to the wrong number. I forgave. My dear sister passed away with colon cancer and he said he did not have time to go to the funeral. I forgave. I am numb. I am tired but somehow I feel as if I failed. I failed my children and I failed him. Maybe if I was a better person then he would not have to pick on so many things. It confuses me when he is so well liked by so many and just acts like me and the kids are burden to him. I do not understand and take the blame because of that. I have to look out for my children so I have to figure out how to leave. I do not know and I feel like the slime on the bottom of a bucket. I feel worthless and empty. I also do not know how to deal with this town and how bad I will look. I suggested seeing a counselor but he feels that is a waste of time. I do not know why but I feel as if he is better than me and makes me allow the excuses for his actions.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

That is just your low self esteem talking, OP. That will correct itself a lot just by leaving him. Being away from negative influences is very healing.

Try not to worry about what other people think. It is your life, not theirs. They are not living with him, and so do not really know him.

The way your kids feel about him says volumes. We all earn the relationship we have with our kids. Children are delightfully unfiltered, and I hope the judge listens to them regarding their dad, if there is any kind of custody struggle.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

He is emotionally abusive, pure and simple.

Have you communicated to him you are thinking of leaving?

How did he/would he react?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

He sounds controlling. 

Has he ever hurt you physically?

I would not be concerned whatsoever what the people in your town think. Do you believe their lives are so rosy? No way!


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

a model citizen on the outside, am insecure, neurotic tyrant on the inside.

sounds like to me. I'd leave. for the kids sake especially.


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## Sammiejo (Feb 26, 2016)

VeryHurt said:


> He sounds controlling.
> 
> Has he ever hurt you physically?
> 
> I would not be concerned whatsoever what the people in your town think. Do you believe their lives are so rosy? No way!


I am so in the mind set that if I were better he would be better. He has been aggressive with me but very rarely. I only weigh about 110 and it does not take much once I get pushed. So there again I feel like he maybe did not intend to do it. I do not know why I forgive him so easy. I just wish he looked like a monster and then I would know he was one. That's just not the case.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

He's got a Dr Jekyll / Mr Hide going on here... ... how tragic that he's lived in such a way to fool everyone around him... It's always those we live with...who see the worst of it.. 

Your husband sounds a "controlling man"..bordering abusive... maybe this has been so habitual.. he's lost his conscience along the way... 

As hard as it may be -this worry that others will judge, to learn your marriage is not all perfect -upholding some "image" he may want to portray to outsiders...this is not the end of the world...

I can bet you , if you did leave him, or put into motion the possibility with opening up to others your struggles behind the scenes...women will warm up to you and start sharing about their own marriages...they will feel more comfortable to go there.. you might be surprised...

WHo is in your life to support you through this .. a trusted friend , a family member? If you have just ONE PERSON who believes in you.. trusts all you are dealing with.. this will help you find the strength to do what needs done..

Here is a book that may help you sort through this ...

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship


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## Sammiejo (Feb 26, 2016)

grame said:


> Why do you worry so much about what other people will think?


I looked at your question and asked myself why. That question sitting alone, all by itself somehow seems so powerful to me. I think that's why I am allowing him to be this way. I care too much about what he thinks. I care so much that what I care about and think no longer matters. I think this question is going to stick with me and keep repeating constantly in my head.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Sammiejo said:


> He is very controlling.
> 
> I have one child that constantly is wanting to run away to get away from him.
> 
> ...


OP, I feel so sorry for you. Do you know what a monster really looks like? Read the parts I quote above. 

You and your children deserve happiness and you will never get it where you are at. I hate to suggest divorce to anyone but sometimes a situation is just so bad that it is ONLY option.

I know you have the strength within you to do what you know what is best for yourself and your children. Do no worry about what other townspeople will think. You must know that THEIR lives and marriages are not what they seem to be too. Everyone puts on a false face in public. 

Stay strong. I am praying for you and the kids.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Do you love the man? Blow up his world by separating and filing for divorce. Don't come back for at least three months. Let him truly consider life without you. If you choose to return, it will likely be a chore having to KEEP him treating you like he should. 
As a man that has done this, I can tell you that he probably loves you deeply and his blind to his abusive behavior. Some will say he will never change. I think it's possible if you separate and force the change.
And then make him stick with it.

Also, you are just like him and imperfect. Work on yourself also. Find out his main complaints with you and work on it. I don't like a dog in my house either. They poop and pee everywhere and get fur on things. Nasty animals. 

If you have already fallen out of love with him, just divorce and take half his money like your lawyer will tell you to do. Get it over with. If your mind has taken a set against him, it likely won't change on your end either. Just know the grass isn't always greener.

Men can be asshats. Try straightening him out on the emotionally abisive behavior by separating and then making him stick to the changes. Just my suggestion. Others will disagree.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sammiejo (Feb 26, 2016)

SimplyAmorous said:


> He's got a Dr Jekyll / Mr Hide going on here... ... how tragic that he's lived in such a way to fool everyone around him... It's always those we live with...who see the worst of it..
> 
> Your husband sounds a "controlling man"..bordering abusive... maybe this has been so habitual.. he's lost his conscience along the way...
> 
> ...


Thank you so much. I do not really have anyone. I do have my mother but she is older and I hate to burden her. I am alone because most people around us adore him. That is the mind bender with me and I go around and around with that in my mind. I thank you for the book link and I want to start that right away.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He got mad about what he thought was dog pee or poop on the floor (he doesn't want the dog, buts it's there, right?. Is that unreasonable?

He has a few porn magazines... That big of a deal?

He missed a funeral. That does suck, but what was the excuse? If not a really good one-- yes, that was bullsh**. Shows his selfish nature.

I don't see the smoking gun. 
You stay at home all day and have all day to think about how miserable you are. Get a job, hire a sitter, and get happy. He probably won't want you to get a job. Ask him if he would rather have a divorce. You have got to just stand up for yourself. Take care of business on your end and if you feel confident that you have done a good job and he gives you trouble, tell him what you think! Tell him if he has to be the boss all the time, and can't respect you as a person, then you will leave. Either train him to treat you right, or don't complain. Leave.
I think you will find that you'll have the same problem. Of he's getting along with other people, he's not that bad of a guy. He's just unconsciously treating you like crao because he can. You can train him out if this. You are the one considering divorce. Therefore you have the power to tell him how it's going to be. Don't abuse that power and turn into an evil b. Just use it to get a husband that thinks before he speaks.

If he's a cheater-- screw that and divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sammiejo (Feb 26, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> He got mad about what he thought was dog pee or poop on the floor (he doesn't want the dog, buts it's there, right?. Is that unreasonable?
> 
> He has a few porn magazines... That big of a deal?
> 
> ...


The porn magazines were being used for his pleasure, which I walked in on during the act. The funeral was missed because he did not want to go. I get it. As I said, I feel like if I were better he would be better. My dog has to be kept in a separate room, so he was not suspecting dog pee. Someone made a mess and he was serious about taking accountability. Yes, not getting a job is wrong on my part. There are 2 people 2 different wrongs. I am wrong and so is he but I truly believe that he is taking his power too far. I cannot change his behavior toward our children and I have to protect them.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sammiejo said:


> I cannot change his behavior toward our children and I have to protect them.


Unfortunately, if you stay you are not actually protecting them at all.


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## Sammiejo (Feb 26, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> OP, I feel so sorry for you. Do you know what a monster really looks like? Read the parts I quote above.
> 
> You and your children deserve happiness and you will never get it where you are at. I hate to suggest divorce to anyone but sometimes a situation is just so bad that it is ONLY option.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your prayers. I try to forgive and move on. I try and give every effort so I know I did all I could.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

I love your name, real or not (don't say!). With that name and the mention of tea, I picture you living in the Southeast. I do and live in a small town outside larger city. I agree in the small towns some people live or die by their reputations or the false facade they project. I also learned that most of those public images are false. I don't care what others think because I KNOW that their lives and marriages are NOT what they project in public. I have seen the drug abuse, alcoholism, domestic violence, emotional abuse etc from the MANY people who try to project the image that they are they town's best.


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