# Feels like I'm holding my breath waiting for better days...



## CorkonAFork (Aug 12, 2012)

Hello all.

First off what a great site. Let me apologize now that my first post is probably going to be long. I don't want to rant, but would appreciate any feedback from people who are familiar with the circumstances.

Some info about me: I'm in my early 30's. Married several years, no kids. I've never really been a social person, I just have a small number of friends. I have a good job that I am doing very well at. I have some nerdy hobbies, but those I must discuss further down. I came from a broken home, and due to this my usual way of dealing with issues is passive-aggressive. I have been taking therapy on this and have started to recognize and break this pattern (not great, but improving considerably). I am trying to not just bottle things up anymore. Doing so has not helped me or my marriage. 

Even before marriage our relationship has been slowly going downhill (I suppose we assumed things would always get better, but they never did). There's no drinking, smoking, or drug use. Our sex life has dwindled to almost nothing (obesity and attraction has been an issue we have fought about here, but the only person I can change is me, and I am already on the low end of a normal BMI). There are times we both would say that the spark is just not there anymore.

We were seeing an MC (a very good one) until just very recently, he's decided that separately, we are too broken at this point to fix the marriage without fixing ourselves first, so we are about to start IC with him. He's also recently advised my wife that she is co-dependent. She is starting to read 'codependent no more', and I am definitely going to read this after. 

I've been starting to see things that have been happening in our relationship that fall exactly under the definition of codependency, although my wife is currently denying many of these things. Honestly it is hard to tell what is and what isn't. One big thing that is causing considerable unhappiness for me: my wife cannot tolerate that I have any hobbies I could be passionate about. For me, this is huge, because I need to be able to make myself happy. I do not depend on others to do this for me. 

She has hobbies too, which consist mostly of lying on the couch and reading, and watching tv. Neither which I am particularly interested in. So when I'm not doing any chores (and I need to clarify here that I did most of the housework, until recently she has started to help), and she is engaged in her thing, my expectation is, that I can indulge in my own hobbies. Bear in mind, when we do stuff together, we are getting along quite well. 

So my main hobby growing up has always been computer gaming. Yes, I also like many science fiction movies, and tv shows, but I always considered the gaming to be my main hobby. I usually went from one game to another (quite expensive really), but eventually settled with playing Eve online for free. Internet spaceships, yay! Also it was multi-player, with the potential of joining an online community (age group 20-50), so for someone like me who I considered to not be very sociable, I thought this was a good thing. 

It soon got to the point where my wife claimed playing this game was an addiction. I did not agree, as all other aspects of my life were doing just fine (job was going great, etc). The only one being bothered by this was her. She suggested I set a limit to it, and so I did. And wouldn't you know it, she would still say things to make me feel guilty about it even if I was within that imposed limit. She said it was 'hurting her'. So I quit Eve altogether and decided to pick up a new hobby. I said I would still casually play a single player game here and there, but no more Eve. She said this was more than enough.

My new hobby, courtesy of a work outing I had, is paintball. I joined a woodsball league. At first I was doing this for generally one day of every weekend, sometimes less. There is usually two tournament games a month, and some practices outside of that. Now I'm outside, getting exercise, putting on all kinds of lean muscle, meeting REAL people and making new friends (I credit my time playing Eve with the ease I was able to do this). Before too long I am once again hearing that this is once again, and addiction. 

So now the vicious cycle continues. Once again I agree to put a limit on it. Now, I will only play the two tournament games per month (any less I get booted from the team). Was this enough? No. Soon after I'm now being told I'm spending too much on it. Considering that I am now only playing the tournament games I'm spending half what I was before, and that was still well within my means. 

Now that I've read a little about it, I'm convinced this behaviour is about codependence. This is not about addiction, or neglect. I've not refused to spend time with her because I preferred a hobby (although I do commit to the 2 paintball tournies per month). Like I said, when we are actually doing things together, its great. 

Another codependant behaviour I've read about says that a codependent person is more likely to push their spouse to someone else (and more likely to have an affair themselves as well). While I'm reasonably sure there is no OM, I can't count how many times she's told me of specific people whom I would be better off with over the last several years. Even now that we are discussing separation, she is telling me she thinks it is important that I 'date other people', so that I can really see how good she is to me. There is a married man she texts extremely often to. She says he is part of her support network. I haven't broken her privacy so I'm taking her at her word.

I've also read that codependents do and say things to set themselves up as 'the victim'. I can think of one recent event that boggles my mind, but could possibly be explained by this: several weeks ago I attended a two-day paintball tournament (there was overnight camping). As a safety measure, I left my ring at home. Let me tell you if you get shot in the finger and it swells (and that hand is always exposed), you could lose the finger if they can't cut the ring off. I also was afraid it would be lost or stolen when camping. The day I came back, I put the ring back on. 

My wife complained that she was hurt I had left the ring at home, although she understood the reasons were just. So starting that day, and for the next two full weeks I noticed she did not wear her ring at all. It sat on the dresser in front of the tv in the bedroom. I eventually asked her about it, and when I did, she stated she knew it was on the dresser but had kept forgetting to put it on. WTH? I asked her why it was so important that she was hurt about me not wearing it when she did this for two weeks, but she could not answer, and just brushed it off.

It has gotten to the point where we are both convinced separation is necessary. Not sure how to go about it, but nonetheless. 
Have any of you folks lived with co-dependance before? Were you able to overcome it?


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

I bet it seems odd to you that no matter what goal she sets and you reach, she just moves the goal post again. Every time she moves it you run to reach it. QUIT! It sounds like you need to read about the 180 and show her just how lucky she is to have you. 

Do you both work? 

There is NO privacy in a marriage! Trust but verify that she is not having an EA/PA with this married man! If you find evidence of adultery in that phone, send it to your phone and computer, copy it to a flash drive and send it to OM spouse. If it is not a phone paid for by her employer then that is just as much your phone as it is hers!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Hi -

What support network is the married man that she texts with part of? Do you know who he is?

I'm married & don't text other married men. You may need to ask more questions about this & if she gets defensive, it may be an EA.

Your wife sounds really bossy & controlling the way you describe her.

Good luck.


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## CorkonAFork (Aug 12, 2012)

Hi, thanks for the responses!

We both work full time, reasonably good jobs. Desk jobs.

As for her friend he is not part of any official support network, he's just been dubbed that by her.


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## CorkonAFork (Aug 12, 2012)

Greatly anticipating first IC session in 2 days. My wife has hers immediately afterwards.

She is also partway done reading 'codependent no more', and told me she had quite the revelation seeing how her relationship to her parents revolved around codependence. Waiting for her to start connecting the dots for how its impacted ours. 

So I'm slowly starting to detach and take care of myself. There hasn't been much resistance to this yet, although I noticed yesterday there was two different circumstances my wife accused me of 'snapping at her' when in fact nothing actually happened? 

For instance, we're on the train, playing the android 'guess the logo' game, and there was one I couldn't figure out. I googled it. She offerred to, but I said, 'no, its all right, I can google it", and she interpreted this as me snapping at her???

Well, at least I can say I think I'm ready for things to get bad, because I strongly suspect they'll get a lot worse than this before things get better. This probably highlights the need for a separation.


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## CorkonAFork (Aug 12, 2012)

We had our first meetings with the individual counseling last night, got together afterwards and discussed. We decided separation is best, so we will draw up an agreement this weekend. It will be inhouse separation to start out with (which will be difficult), but I will likely try to find a place to go once all the legal/financial stuff gets sorted. 

Trying my best to stay positive! 

Oddly, my wife is insisting I date other people when I'm ready to. Personally, I think if this were to happen, there would be no turning back, and no point in not moving to divorce. When she discussed this with the counselor he was adament that she should not be wanting this (if she has hopes on salvaging the relationship)


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

IMO, dating someone while you are married is wrong. Wait until the D is final then focus on yourself and what you need to do to make you a better person.


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## CorkonAFork (Aug 12, 2012)

I agree totally Sbrown


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## CorkonAFork (Aug 12, 2012)

So I've made it through the first weekend of the 'separation'...it was not easy, but I am making the best of it. Spent time with friends, and re-arranged the finished basement in a more comfortable and liveable fashion. 

I guess this thread needs to be moved to the other section now?


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