# How to get used to Fiancee's Family



## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

I've been lurking around here for a while now. Since my fiancee and I first got engaged. Finally worked up the nerve to post something 

I was wondering how people who are already married got used to their spouses family? Her family is basically the exact opposite from mine.

They are outgoing, loud, talkitive and very very very close. They are also a large family. The first time I went to visit her parents after we were engaged there were around 4 dozen people. And that was just the "locals" as she calls them. The other half or so of her familiy are all around the country.

By close, I mean my fiancee takes the 3 hour trip to see her family one weekend every 4-6 weeks. She also talks on the phone to her mother for around an hour a day over 2-3 different phone calls.

Now that we are engaged her family wants me to visit them all the time when she does and to get to know them. They aren't bad people, I just don't really feel the need to be that close to them.

On the contrast, my family (only 5 people) lives 4 hours away, and I typically only visit them 1-2 times per year. They never visit me (her family visits her 5-6 times a year). I talk to my mother once a week on Sunday afternoons and that usually only lasts about 30 minutes before we are out of things to say to each other. The rest of the family I havent talked to since Christmas.

I know I'm going to have to get used to them. I just think its a bit much to expect me to be anywhere near as close to them as she is, or closer to them than I am for my own family.

I also find her family a bit smothering. For example, I had only meet her mother once before I proposed. The first time I saw her after that she hugged me and kisses me and told me she loved me. I didn't really know what to say or how to act. This was only the second time I've ever seen her.

I'm just wondering what others here have gone through that might be similar? Excuse any typos, I typed that on my phone


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So what does your fiance have to say about your family?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This all feels very familiar to me. My family is similar to your fiancé’s family. And I have 7 siblings. For some reason several of my siblings have married people who come from families like yours. It has not worked out well in most cases in the in-law department.

Why? Because those from less-close and less gregarious families look down their nose at the more larger, closer, more gregarious family of their spouse. 

I hear this in your tone already.

If you try to keep your fiancé away from her family and/or you hold back from learning to appreciate them even if they are different from your family, you will hurt your wife.


----------



## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Be honest with her. Tell her that you like her family but find their level of closeness stifling to you because your own relationship to your family is different, so you hope she can understand and be supportive of your choice to spend less time with them so that the time you do spend is higher quality because it doesn't feel imposed when it's less frequent.  Also, don't try to stop her from being close to them and let her know that you won't try to change her. The natural progression of things is that she will become closer to you and detach a little from them in time. Just try to compromise. She wants to go every weekend, you want ti go twice a year; wheres the mide ground? Once in 3 weeks wont hurt you, right? + special events. You're lucky that they welcome you instead of antagonizing you. Many are not so lucky! Embrace it and compromise and learn your limits rather than fixating on ideals.


----------



## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

I'm not trying to keep her away from them or anything like that. Not sure if that's the impression I gave off or not. I don't expect or even want her to distance herself from her family because of me.

I'm planning on talking to her about it. I don't mind hanging out with them a few times a year. I guess I just need to find a nice way to say I don't really want to see her family every Month.

I know this is what some people would call a good problem. I know my mother's family and my father's family got along like the Hatfields and McCoys.


----------



## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> So what does your fiance have to say about your family?


Not much, but that's to be expected. She hasn't had much exposure to them.

She was friends with my uncle and his wife when they lived in town here in Columbus. Which is how we meet in the first place before they moved back to Lexington KY because his wife missed the area and he had a good chance to start his own business there.

She's never talked to my Aunt. But I only talk to her 1-2 times a year so why would she?

She's talked to my Mother a few times but she has never meet. My mother can't come up to visit us because she is the primary care giver of my Grandmother. My Grandmother is doing fairly well for someone her age (82) but does need someone to help her out from time to time.

I haven't taken her down to visit/meet because my Grandmother dosen't approve of my Fiancee. 

Not for any good reason, she's just old and racist. My fiancee is a black woman and I'm a white guy. My Fiancee's grandparents are the same way actually. They don't approve of me either. Nobody else in the rest of the family's care either way. 

I just can't really take her home to meet my Mother since she moved in to my Grandmothers houae to help her after my Grandfatuer died.


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, first off, give it some time. It takes time to get to know anybody, and you may find over time that you appreciate their unique qualities.

I'd look at it as an enrichment of your life. You know what it's like to be part of a basic WASP family. Now you have a chance to learn and be exposed to another way -- not a better way, just a different way. And hopefully they will learn to enjoy and appreciate you for what and who you are.

You don't have to accompany her on every visit, but I'd also be chary of making a huge deal out of this at this early date. If it turns out you really just don't like spending time with them, well, you won't be the first spouse to ever deal with that.


----------



## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

captainstormy said:


> I've been lurking around here for a while now. Since my fiancee and I first got engaged. Finally worked up the nerve to post something
> 
> I was wondering how people who are already married got used to their spouses family? Her family is basically the exact opposite from mine.
> 
> ...


I am in the same situation. I have a very small family and what family we have we did not visit much at all when I was a child. My mom's sister lived 15 miles away from us and we only saw them twice a year.

My husbands family is huge, loud and overwhelming. 

I never discourage him from seeing any of them. You seem to be doing the same. That is good. He will go see them by himself. Sometimes I will come, just depends. I will visit my family by myself. It works for us.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I know exactly how you feel

I come from a long line of ice cold bastard Germans

seeing a close (and large) family operate like that is very intimidating as it isn't a dynamic you are used to.

But right now you fail to realize that if they see how much their daughter loves you that they will love you too and welcome you into the family quickly. For them it will be natural and for you it will be hard at first but eventually you'll probably grow to like the dynamic and the closeness your new extended family brings to your life.


----------



## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> I know exactly how you feel
> 
> I come from a long line of ice cold bastard Germans
> 
> ...


Ha my husband's family is Armenian/Lebanese They all think they are better than everyone else and very arrogant. I hate it.


----------

