# Unfair he got to test the waters..



## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

Ok so I do not believe in revenge affairs, but every few months I feel like"what the hell" . Like
I think since he now knows the grass isn't always greener, he has been there done that. I just get this urge that maybe I need that too. Maybe that will convince me i do want
To be married. I am feeling trapped lately. We both know I would not still be here going to counseling abyear later if it were not for our child. I am not staying just for her I am just giving the good
Fight for our marriage because we are a family. But emotionally I feel sooo deprived. 
Anyone else been there??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Don't do it. 

Just say no.

It's not worth it. Ever.

You don't need convincing: either you want to be married or you don't. 

If you don't want to, get a divorce and be done.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh and I am telling you this coming from a marriage where we both cheated. 

The fallout was devastating. And while I can't say if we'd still be together had neither of us cheated, we both felt and told eachother the end result Was. Not. Worth. It.

We divorced a few months ago.


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## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

Yea , I know I would never really do it, maybe just my unresolved issues with the affair. Like he had no problem seeking her out and having sex, sharing himself with her. Here I am a year later wondering what the heck is going on. I guess I just want to be wanted in all ways, if that makes sense.
Thanks for responding jellybean, I will go find your profile. 
Can I ask how was your marriage before the affairs ? Sometimes I wonder if I am not expecting fairlytale marriage..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Eh, My profile is empty. Mayve I should write something on it. LOL.

My marriage started as a fairytale and ended with ACME-type explosions.  Yes, I can laugh now but in the middle of it, it was not so fun. At the time of my affair, my marriage was really really bad. Long before then, when I found out he was doing dirt, I *thought* our marriage was good. I was wrong (obviously). Anyway we both cheated and it Was. Not. Worth. It. 

Woulda been better just to walk away. 

But, no. We had to go all Hollywood with firework explosions and guns blazing (not literally, of course). We both put up a good fight & called it even. 

Sigh.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I think every BS gives it a thought...probably more in the fit of anger, but even again in thinking and talking about *why* it hurts -- this is one of the reasons. You know you weren't always 100% "happy and totally in love" through the course of the marriage, but you didn't go find another person to share yourself with...and they did. So then you, the BS, decide to work toward R, to put it all in the past, and they get.........rewarded for their behavior. They get to have had their fun, and still get the marriage intact, maybe even 'improved' in some ways through better communications, harder work at it, etc. All you're left with is hurt and if there were ever a time to be "not 100% totally happy and in love" - precisely when A's are ripe to happen -- it would be now.

Nevertheless, listen to jb -- don't do it. If you are still now emotionally deprived, work at making THAT better with the same effort you would work at the dead-end fantasy of a revenge affair. You already know that's not the way to 'the answer'... if you don't want your H anymore, your marriage anymore, then leave. Don't sink to what he's done; you will not forgive yourself in the long run, and your child deserves better. Be able to look in the mirror and not wince, and sleep soundly knowing you've not been what you now despise....a cheater.


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## tofuhater (Jul 10, 2011)

2xloser said:


> I think every BS gives it a thought...probably more in the fit of anger, but even again in thinking and talking about *why* it hurts -- this is one of the reasons. You know you weren't always 100% "happy and totally in love" through the course of the marriage, but you didn't go find another person to share yourself with...and they did. So then you, the BS, decide to work toward R, to put it all in the past, and they get.........rewarded for their behavior. They get to have had their fun, and still get the marriage intact, maybe even 'improved' in some ways through better communications, harder work at it, etc. All you're left with is hurt and if there were ever a time to be "not 100% totally happy and in love" - precisely when A's are ripe to happen -- it would be now.
> 
> Nevertheless, listen to jb -- don't do it. If you are still now emotionally deprived, work at making THAT better with the same effort you would work at the dead-end fantasy of a revenge affair. You already know that's not the way to 'the answer'... if you don't want your H anymore, your marriage anymore, then leave. Don't sink to what he's done; you will not forgive yourself in the long run, and your child deserves better. Be able to look in the mirror and not wince, and sleep soundly knowing you've not been what you now despise....a cheater.


 :iagree: Yes -- I agree with this -- And yes I understand EXACTLY how you feel -- I learned of my wifes affairs 10 years ago - stayed because of children and I still wonder if a revenge affair might be in order -- But I despise cheaters and if I resort to cheating I think I would self loathe myself into oblivion ! And your children do deserve better !!! But I know how you feel. I hurt down to my soul. I want to emotionally attach to someone and to love them and to have them feel the same. I want to love someone the way I loved my wife before I knew about the affairs. I feel like my whole marriage was based on lies and I feel so so stupid for not knowing. But I know that my kids need me here and I am not going to be an absentee father - When u figure out how to cope with - let me know -- Its been a long 10 years and I'm gettin tired !


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

oh tofu,

you make my heart hurt. 2x(slow learner) you are so right, and LaLa1978 i feel and wonder the exact same thing everyday and I am only 2 months away from learning of my husband affair. 

Please someone, please tell me, the marriage really can honestly, be better than before ? How can it be ?

~sammy


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Don't do it. I did and regret it . It was pure revenge, just wanted her to feel the same pain I did. My plan was to do that and burn all bridges but after it was all done we are trying to reconcile. Revenge was not satisfying at all.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

And doesn't the RA make us become what we hated so much ????


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Absolutely


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

One other thing to consider. A cheater will latch into anything to shift blame for their failings onto you.

If you have a revenge affair he will see that as justifying his cheating because you did too-- after he did!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

michzz said:


> If you have a revenge affair he will see that as justifying his cheating because you did too-- after he did!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Strange but true- it becomes self vindicating for them. Kind of 'clears the slate' a little and gives them ammo to use against you, because you are no longer pure.
Revenge affair = Deflector shields for the original instigator.
No Revenge affair = Emperors new clothes


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Oh yes, wouldn't it be great to put them through the same pain they put us through? Wouldn't it be great to watch them squirm? Would it be great to sit there in our greatest Dr. Evil impersonations, stroking the hairless kitty cat on our lap, laughing the evil genius laugh while our cheating spouse suffers with the same pain they put us through. Oh yes, the thought is so good. But, in reality, that's not how it works. Having a RA only makes things worse. It's like 2 siblings fighting with each other. One kid ups and whacks the other with a toy. The response from the kid who was hit, is to hit back. In the end, both kids are in trouble. Really, what did it accomplish?


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## jsmith (Nov 1, 2009)

AppleDucklings said:


> Oh yes, wouldn't it be great to put them through the same pain they put us through? Wouldn't it be great to watch them squirm? Would it be great to sit there in our greatest Dr. Evil impersonations, stroking the hairless kitty cat on our lap, laughing the evil genius laugh while our cheating spouse suffers with the same pain they put us through. Oh yes, the thought is so good. But, in reality, that's not how it works. Having a RA only makes things worse. It's like 2 siblings fighting with each other. One kid ups and whacks the other with a toy. The response from the kid who was hit, is to hit back. In the end, both kids are in trouble. Really, what did it accomplish?


:iagree:


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

sammy3 said:


> oh tofu,
> 
> you make my heart hurt. 2x(slow learner) you are so right, and LaLa1978 i feel and wonder the exact same thing everyday and I am only 2 months away from learning of my husband affair.
> 
> ...


I think I'm _slowly learning_  that the promise of "better than before" - if it is possible - first requires an admission that it wasn't good enough before, and introspective understanding of what was broken before... importantly, NOT intending that to mean "what did the BS do wrong", but rather "what was it that wasn't working to cause one or both parties to look outside the marriage". 

I get that, philosophically, but canot yet reconcile that I was not aware of it (which is essrntially part of the problem)... I had an overly utopian view of my marriage and my wife as _incapable_ of infidelity... it simply wasn't an option as far as I was concerned. Now, of course, I know better, and still getting through the humiation of not knowing better, especially after a 1st marriage experience. Duh. I thought I'd chosen better the 2nd time. Instead, I need to recognize that _everyone_ is capable of it, and treat them accordingly. Sad, but true...

Working from the assumption that it _can_ be better (because it was not good enough in the first place), I start with "but I was happy"... well, that's true, but obviously she wasn't happy _enough_. She was content, but obviously not happy enough to avoid an affair. Awareness of the _possibility_ of an affair is basically the missing piece, perhaps, to working hard enough at the marriage to "affair-proof" it. Yet...Iget resentful because it starts feeling a little like blackmail (ie, "work extra-hard at this because if you don't I will go have an affair"). That's something I have to get over, by believing her when she says it was a total wake-up call and her shame and remorse alone would prevent her from ever going down that path again, that she could recognize the signs if it ever got to that point and course-correct with me. Working together, there's the key...

...IF both parties truly want it to be (first establishing that you really do _want_ it), there can be a 'better place' in the future because both parties recognize what it was that has to get adjusted or corrected to make it better, and both parties commit to making that happen. That may include for the BS only listening, or being aware, or communicating better when there are concerns -- or it may be a serious overhaul to how interactions happen. 

Obviously I don't know for sure, but in this process of attempting R, this is what I think I am learning. I have not fully embraced it, because I have not accomplished that first step -- deciding that I really want it to, recognizing that somehow, at some point in the future, I can accept that it happened, is a part of my life and my marriage, and while I cannot forgive it, I can put it in its place and control it (instead of it controlling me like it does now). It also requires trusting that your WS is committed, too. I happen to believe she is; it is me that I am uncertain about. The open wound heals differently in all of us; I'd propose that for some of us it may never heal because we pick at it and rip it open too much. I know I do this too frequently.

My frustration is I can see _how_, but I don't know that I can get myself to go there, to live with it as an acknowledged 'thing' in my marriage. But really, it's there whether I am still married or not, and for now I'm forging ahead with the idea that I'm better off with someone acknowledging and owning it, 'fixing' it with me, than the likely damage I'd do toward someone else innocent of any wrongdoing.

For now, anyway.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I feel like a revenge affair is far worse than the origional affair.

It would be premeditated, sevear pain inflicted directly on my wife. There would be no conceivable reason to do it except for the utter destruction of our marrige. There are no excuses for it.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

2xloser said:


> ...IF both parties truly want it to be (first establishing that you really do _want_ it), there can be a 'better place' in the future because both parties recognize what it was that has to get adjusted or corrected to make it better, and both parties commit to making that happen.
> 
> I have not fully embraced it, because I have not accomplished that first step -- deciding that I really want it to, recognizing that somehow, at some point in the future, I can accept that it happened, is a part of my life and my marriage, and while I cannot forgive it, I can put it in its place and control it (instead of it controlling me like it does now). It also requires trusting that your WS is committed, too. I happen to believe she is; it is me that I am uncertain about. The open wound heals differently in all of us; I'd propose that for some of us it may never heal because we pick at it and rip it open too much. I know I do this too frequently.


It's funny how that happens. Months of fighting for the marriage only to not even want it when they finally decide to fight for it. I believe your post is spot on. The inner struggle over even to take that first step is difficult.

I agree that it is unfair the disloyal spouse got to "test the water". The kids are away for the weekend. I have been tempted to see if a lovely lady I have developed feelings for wants to get together for the weekend. However, I know that is totally wrong. Even wrong to think that. I don't think a betrayed spouse could go through this process without thinking about a chance to "test the waters" themselves. Of course, the whole situation is not fair. However, we do have a choice. We can do it the right way and divorce first if we want to "test the waters". Stooping to their level and doing it before a divorce just ain't right. Not to ourselves, them, the OM or OW in the "revenge affair" or anyone involved.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> It's funny how that happens. Months of fighting for the marriage only to not even want it when they finally decide to fight for it. I believe your post is spot on. The inner struggle over even to take that first step is difficult.
> 
> I agree that it is unfair the disloyal spouse got to "test the water". The kids are away for the weekend. I have been tempted to see if a lovely lady I have developed feelings for wants to get together for the weekend. However, I know that is totally wrong. Even wrong to think that. I don't think a betrayed spouse could go through this process without thinking about a chance to "test the waters" themselves. Of course, the whole situation is not fair. However, we do have a choice. We can do it the right way and divorce first if we want to "test the waters". Stooping to their level and doing it before a divorce just ain't right. Not to ourselves, them, the OM or OW in the "revenge affair" or anyone involved.


So true, but still hard. My H has offered to let me test the waters or have a ONS, whatever I need to move forward. But I don't see how doing either one of those things would benefit a R. I tell him, he says that now, but if I really did it.... he'd be stunned by the pain. Then instead of rebuilding, we'd be back at square one, but with him asking intimate details while his heart is in shreds.

I'm relatively secure and like who I am. I don't ever want to loose my self respect or integrity. If we fail at rebuilding or god forbid something ever happens to my H, I'll be proud to say I was 100% faithful to him. That means a lot in this day and age, at least to some of us.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

SAmmy 3 - yes it can get better and yes it can be better than it ever was except during the honeymoon because you are now too old to those acrobatics! Keep ging forward - love like you were never hurt and it will come back better than ever! Lala - we all ahve those feelings and theya re strongest when someone shows us attention. It will NEVER work in your marriage unless you can LIVE the boundaries you expect your spouse to follow.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Honor and integrity - we believe in it and live by it and want our spouse to do the same. I personally can't stand being "serviced" by my wife without the feelings of love going both ways. I couldn't go to a wh0re (I hate the auto censor). I'd take of myself before doing either. What the hell good is an affair? 2x you are definitely on the right path and just need to keep taking those bricks in the wall down. Take a chance, you won't regret letting yourself fall back into your wife arms. If she fails you again, then you can go elsewhere and find true happiness after you divorce. Quit waiting for that to happen.


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## mkl (Jul 9, 2011)

Revenge affair, sounds a bit destructive to me…. If you are indeed trying to work on your marriage I don’t think you having an affair to inflict the same pain on them would get you very far. Having your own affair, even the playing field….. Just don’t think it would work.

If I thought it would actually wipe the slate clean I would consider telling my husband to go have his own affair, then maybe we could both get our lives back and have the happy marriage that we both want.

But, it’s not that easy. We both have to commit ourselves to this marriage and put in the hard work. I know I could never cheat again because I know why it happened the first time. I know now that if I ever got in that place with my husband that we would not be able to be together. It would be the end of the road for us. I now know what my I need to be satisfied and happy in my marriage and I understand what my husband needs to be happy and satisfied. 
We are committed to meeting those needs for each other and truly love each other. That being said, it’s not easy. He doesn’t trust me and I have my own trust issues with him. He is truly hurt and says many hurtful things to me almost daily. Hopefully in time those things will get better. But I do know that him “getting even” would not help matters…


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Affairs are as exhilirating and fun as racing against another fool at speeds exceeding 120 miles per hour with your uncomscious spouse on the passenger seat and your unconscious kids in the backseat, that is until you lose control of your car and it crashes. The carnage is beyond words. So much for fun and excitement eh?


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## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

sammy3 said:


> oh tofu,
> 
> you make my heart hurt. 2x(slow learner) you are so right, and LaLa1978 i feel and wonder the exact same thing everyday and I am only 2 months away from learning of my husband affair.
> 
> ...


Oh man 2 months out.. Give yourself time.' I know I was still not thinking clearly so soon after. It didn't help that my h did everything in his power to "protect" me from the details.
Sammy, are you in any type of counseling? I know I would have straggled my H by now if it were not for our therapist. 
Hugs to you, worry about you, take care of you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

Thank you all soo much for taking the time to respond. I feel a lot less alone in this journey. I wish I knew someone IRL that has an affair and now their marriage is great. It tough when mostly you just hear of affairs/divorce 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

mkl said:


> Revenge affair, sounds a bit destructive to me…. If you are indeed trying to work on your marriage I don’t think you having an affair to inflict the same pain on them would get you very far. Having your own affair, even the playing field….. Just don’t think it would work.
> 
> If I thought it would actually wipe the slate clean I would consider telling my husband to go have his own affair, then maybe we could both get our lives back and have the happy marriage that we both want.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I am reconciling and doing very well. One off question, can I at least dip my toe? Just kidding.


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## tummy2 (Jul 26, 2011)

lala1978 said:


> Thank you all soo much for taking the time to respond. I feel a lot less alone in this journey. I wish I knew someone IRL that has an affair and now their marriage is great. It tough when mostly you just hear of affairs/divorce
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Unfortunately, people tend to only complain when there is something wrong... You have to assume that if someone disappears, they are either faring well on their own, or their reconciliation is going according to plan.

In response to your original post.... I too feel that way.. I have thought about cheating on my wife to get back at her... Actually I think about it all the time, because all the pain that she put(s) me through...

but for the most part, its just too much work for me to go looking for it.. And we all remember how intense those first months years are of a relationship in terms of feelings.. I think I have had enough of hurting, worrying, wondering for a lifetime


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

When I was in the intitial stages of anger after "finding out." I seriously contemplated a reveng affair. I'd take her back, and make her think everything was on the up-and-up. Then I'd find one of her closest friends and have a LTA. I'd actually leave her for her friend just to see the look on her face when she found out. I mean my mind was working overtime finding devious ways to hurt and scar her soul for the rest of her life. The only reason I didn't go through with it was because I couldn't bring myself to take her back... my pride wouldn't allow me to reconcile. If it wasn't for my pride... I would be in the initial stages of hatching my plan. I know it might sound crude of me to do it, but I'm built that way. I'm the type that will get my revenge even if it costs me dearly. I know this is something I have to fix within myself, and after this episode I will be making an effort to calm this urge for vindictive behaviour. Right now, I have one more piece of business to take care of, before I start.


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