# Affair over but wife apathetic to marriage



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

My wife's long-distance affair had a fiery ending back in May. The affair originally lasted almost a year. They no longer contact each other (his wife gives me updates). My wife went into a serious depression as a result of this. She does have a history of depression (off and on) and the affair was her drug. Anyways, she's been on anti-depressants for 4 weeks now and has been staying with her cousin in another state. She sends me emails once in awhile or wants to chat with our kids and me once or twice a week. Kids are 5 & 10. Anyways, she has decided to stay with her cousin another 4 weeks. I am currently working on getting my self-esteem where it once was. It just hurts me to see that my wife of 11 years is making almost no attempt on re-building our marriage. Is this sort of thing common? She does have a penchant for being hard-headed and reluctant to her positive- criticism. Anyways, any help would be appreciated. Thanks!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

She must be a SAHM since she can afford to stay with a cousin in another state and not have a career to get back to. She's been gone a month and wants yet another month away from you and the kids? Did she fall that deeply into the fog with this OM? Is she hard headed, or just plain spoiled? Mourning the affair for a little while is one thing, but this is something else. She's not recommitting to the marriage because you are allowing her to stay away. She feels she can take her own sweet time because she knows she has a marriage to come back to. It seems she hasn't suffered any consequences from this.

You need to tell her to either recommit to the marriage, or the separation is permanent. A month of living apart and mourning the end of the A is enough. You're the aggrieved party, yet you are living in limbo. Enough about her, she needs to be considering your feelings and repairing the damage to the relationship, family, and trying to regain your trust. If it were me, and she had the A and was living away from me and the kids just so she could process her feelings, I would tell her to stay gone if she didn't recommit herself right now. She'd be getting the divorce papers in the mail.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> My wife's long-distance affair had a fiery ending back in May. The affair originally lasted almost a year. They no longer contact each other (his wife gives me updates). My wife went into a serious depression as a result of this. She does have a history of depression (off and on) and the affair was her drug. Anyways, she's been on anti-depressants for 4 weeks now and has been staying with her cousin in another state. She sends me emails once in awhile or wants to chat with our kids and me once or twice a week. Kids are 5 & 10. Anyways, she has decided to stay with her cousin another 4 weeks. I am currently working on getting my self-esteem where it once was. It just hurts me to see that my wife of 11 years is making almost no attempt on re-building our marriage. Is this sort of thing common? She does have a penchant for being hard-headed and reluctant to her positive- criticism. Anyways, any help would be appreciated. Thanks!


Some may think the separation is a good thing. Maybe it is. It does take a couple of months to get over someone else in an EA. Longer for some others. Anti-depressants help. That said I think I would want her back after the month to get her focused on the marriage again and to stop dwelling on the OM. Is she closer to the OM now that she is at her cousins?

You are right, once she is over this you guys need to get to actively building backl your relationship. An affair is owned by the cheaters, BUT it is a good thing to see if the root cause had something to do with problems in the marriage and to address them.

Was this just an EA? Did they ever hookup? How can you be sure they are not continuing?


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

HtownDad,
Sorry to hear you going thru this.
I was given the order to divorce from my wife after discovery of her EA. 
No humility, no ownership, complete rewritten history, and vicious.
I say vicious, because shes turned into something else. 
Like the kid that bats the ball thru the neighbors window and runs away.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Thanks for your input everyone. First, it started emotional and then became physical. At one point, the POSOM spent a week at our house (his company worked with my wife's company) and I had a bad vibe about it. Turns out the affair was going on during that time. She promised nothing ever happened at the house, but I'll never know for sure. Sucks looking back at all that crap. My gut is going in the direction of Lord Mayhem. You're right, she hasn't suffered any consequences on my end or our marriage. Her father, counselor, and a book called Surviving the Affair had me on the path of what's called Plan A (which is depositing as much positive love as possible. In hindsight, she needed tough love. I let her get away with too damn much and probably made her feel I didn't care. Her argument the whole time was that I couldn't express my feelings (avoiding the affair issue). I know she's not totally over the affair. I would feel better if she initiated it, but she didn't. I When she finally confessed (after so much investigating and discussions with her), she couldn't leave the affair and it continued (off and on at times) for the next 7 months. It was a rollercoaster to say the least. We went to counseling every week. The counselor made it clear that the affair was wrong, but how do you convince someone who is very deep in the fog at the time. I'm 99% sure they're not in contact right now. The OM's wife tells me everything he is trying to do to win his wife back and my cousin is pretty damn smart and engaging about all this. But I know my wife misses the OM dearly. But I do have mixed feelings about her being away. Part of me wants to give her the best possibility to recover from this affair, but it angers me because my whole vacation ( I'm a teacher)is being spent with the kids which can get stressful while she gets her self back together. I hate this state of limbo I am in. Grrr... Should I give her the "ultimatum" of returning to working on the marriage vs. divorce when she returns or should I be more patient if she isn't ready?:scratchhead:


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> Should I give her the "ultimatum" of returning to working on the marriage vs. divorce when she returns or should I be more patient if she isn't ready?:scratchhead:


No ultimatums. They seldom work because the issuer almost always ends up caving in and losing respect from the other spouse. Instead click on the link below titled 'Just Let Them Go'.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I believe letting go is the right thing, but I wish I would have used it when the affair was in full swing. Now that the affair is currently over, is this the right thing to still do? And do I ask her what she intends to do about our marriage when she returns and if she says she's still unsure,etc. then let her go? Or let her go now? If so, do I tell her while she's in another state with her cousin?


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Time to grip that steering wheel. 
The "right thing" to do, is to take your time and make a decision based upon what you know about yourself. 
For me, I would have spent the next ten years snooping and checking emails and checking cell phone logs, and she would not have been transparent, and continued to spend money frivolously, and I would have always wondered if she was still secretly meeting "him". (you know, mr wonderful, the guy who gets the free pass for destroying your marriage from all her friends)
I wouldnt worry about her location when you decide. What do you intend to do with your marriage?

It seems like you are still interested in trying to reconcile. And thats not a bad thing, unless you are making yourself an "option" instead of the priority. 
Do you think she will honestly make you a priority? 
Do you think you will be able to shake off that "worry" of infidelity?
It takes many washings for that scarlet letter to fade..


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## smartblondie02 (Jun 30, 2011)

Unfortunately, I cannot speak from experience here, but having talked to three MC's and reading a lot of books on the topic, the period of withdrawal from the OM, especially if it was a long affair, with emotional and physical components, lasts at least six weeks IF there is no contact at all between the parties. If there is any kind of contact, the withdrawal and healing process begins all over. If the affair lasted or developed over a long period of time, the withdrawal time may be even longer. 
I say that if you really do want to give your marriage the best chance, stick with it and let her have her space for another month if she says she needs it. 
After that though, you should make some kind of stand. I don't know using ultimatums - it can cause your spouse to feel trapped - I like using the phrase "What can we do to give you the space you need, while not tearing our family apart even more?" However, if your wife responds well to ultimatums, then go that route. After some time, it needs to be a mutual decision, not just hers. It's your life, and your children's lives at stake, too.


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## smartblondie02 (Jun 30, 2011)

You should read 'divorce busting' or 'divorce remedy' by Michele Weiner Davis, and NOT 'Just Friends' by Shirley P Glass before making any concrete decisions about what to do with your marriage. Your wife is in a state of 'ambivalence' and 'mourning'. Your making love deposits will have little effect until she chooses to put effort behind the reconciliation. That shouldn't stop YOU from making decisions to make your life better and making personal changes that will benefit your marriage in the meantime. These books give insight to this exact period of time, and gives you things to think about before you decide to call it quits of file for divorce. I really recommend those books. But unfortunately, it looks like you still have some waiting to do, regardless. Best wishes. I'm right there with you.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You want to get her out of the fog? Sh!t or get off the pot? Send her divorce papers. Then don't take her phone calls. She will be home in a New York second. Or you will be free. Any mom that can stay away from her husband and kids that long *voluntarily*, and then ask to stay another 4 weeks, is a crappy mother and doesn't deserve her family. Sorry, the truth hurts sometimes.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

My feeling is that she is STILL communicating with the OM, probably farther underground that OMW doesn't know about. Most likely a secret email account and secret cell phone that the OMW hasn't discovered. That's why it makes perfect sense that she has been gone this long and wants to stay yet another month - she's continuing the affair secretly.

Follow morituri's advice and let her go.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Houston---what consequences, has she really been exposed to---very little if none, I venture to say----

She is probably still pining for the other guy

She completely dissed you and your family by bringing him into your home for a week---and if you think nothing happened, while he was in YOUR home, with you not around---i have a bridge I'd like to sell you

Stop being mr. nice-guy---lay it out for her, what you want, and stick to your guns


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I really appreciate the support I'm getting here. I really do. I have time to get my **** together and come up with my expectations/plan and will stick with it before she returns at the end of the month. I spoke at length with the OMW last night. I asked her if she was 100% sure there was no contact between them. She said she wasn't 100% (her husband and my wife are tech geeks so they can find a way if they need to), but she did say her husband told her my wife contacted him with a "phony-phone and was asking him if he was "hacking" into her email. She contacted him a month ago and then 2 weeks ago about this topic. The OM told his wife the discussion was brief, awkward, and he wanted to hang up ASAP. He didn't have to tell her, but he did. I don't know every detail though on what transpired in the conversation. Very disappointed in my wife even contacting. I think she was just using this belief/excuse of hacking to contact him/ hear his voice, etc.
My wife also sent a call to us last night and video chatted with the kids and I. It was a positive conversation, but just chit-chat. Nothing serious or deep. I told her I've been doing great even though it's stressful at times being a single-dad with the kids all day long. High maintenance the little stinkers! She did make a point to make sure I check out her photos on flickr in a bike ride she participated in where people rode with no pants and she was strutting in her short-sexy panties. I think she is trying to make me jealous in a way or possibly want her sexually ( I used to be a sucker for her) just so I could continue hanging on to her or want her back? I really don't know her intentions.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> I spoke at length with the OMW last night. I asked her if she was 100% sure there was no contact between them. She said she wasn't 100% (her husband and my wife are tech geeks so they can find a way if they need to),


Well no one is monitoring your WW at her cousin's house, is there? Unless OMW has a keylogger installed, phone monitoring software, and a VAR, its easy for them to take it underground, especially if OMW isnt aware of these methods.



Houstondad said:


> but she did say her husband told her my wife contacted him with a "phony-phone and was asking him if he was "hacking" into her email. She contacted him a month ago and then 2 weeks ago about this topic. The OM told his wife the discussion was brief, awkward, and he wanted to hang up ASAP. He didn't have to tell her, but he did.


This can be a smokescreen too you know. The "She tried to contact me and I turned her down" routine where he's trying to convince his BW that he's honest so she can let her guard down and giver her the idea that he's being transparent so she wont suspect further contact. Its possible this is his ploy, or hes telling the truth. Hard to tell at this point.



Houstondad said:


> I don't know every detail though on what transpired in the conversation. Very disappointed in my wife even contacting. I think she was just using this belief/excuse of hacking to contact him/ hear his voice, etc.


This is called "fishing", this almost always happens where one of the APs will find some excuse to break NC. In your case, it was the excuse of hacking (yeah, right). Or it can be something as innocuous as "How are you?" or "Are you okay?" or "I miss you". Just know that every time this happens, the clock is reset to zero. So now you have it that your WW is only 2 weeks from NC with OM. Did your wife admit to you that she broke NC?



Houstondad said:


> She did make a point to make sure I check out her photos on flickr in a bike ride she participated in where people rode with no pants and she was strutting in her short-sexy panties. I think she is trying to make me jealous in a way or possibly want her sexually ( I used to be a sucker for her) just so I could continue hanging on to her or want her back? I really don't know her intentions.


Possibly both. The fact remains that she is displaying herself to other men where she's at. Worst case scenario is that she has something going on with some guy where she's at. The longer shes away from you and the family, the worse its going to get for your relationship. She cheated, she should be at home working her @ss off to help rebuild trust. Instead, she looks like shes guilt free and having the time of her life. And why shouldn't she? You have shown her no consequences. Sorry, but thats the truth. She knows already that no matter what she does, she has you to come home to and you will always take her back. That is the message you are sending to her right now.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Initfortheduration said:


> You want to get her out of the fog? Sh!t or get off the pot? Send her divorce papers. Then don't take her phone calls. She will be home in a New York second. Or you will be free.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

*She's ambivalent because YOU give her that option.*

You should read Dr James Dobson Love Must Be Tough as well as the link below my signature 'Just Let Them Go'.

Also read this, courtesy of lordmayhem:


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your wife had a one yr A.-----phonies up ways to stay in contact---even where her X partner is trying to stay NC--

This is a man she had in YOUR own home, for a week----she is now out on her own for what will be 2 months---riding around with other men, in her short shorts, showing off her body, obviously having a good time---WHERE IS HER DEPRESSION

You are being taken to the cleaners----she is playing around while you take care of the kids, and finance her lifestyle---IS THIS WHAT YOU CALL/CONSIDER MARRIAGE

You need to tell her to get home, act like a wife, and mother, show remorse, be contrite, stop playing around as if she were single-------or------tell her to get a div. atty, so she can defend herself agst. the action you are about to bring

You are getting "HAD" in a big way----when her fling is finally over---are you just gonna take her back, as if nothing happened?????

Answer me this, what do you think she does night after night while at her cousins house---do you think she is in bed by 8 oclock, or reading a book, or watching tv, or playing cards with her relatives----I doubt it, cuz this is a woman, who likes sex with other men, while her H. sits back and watches it all go down, and her kids are w/out a mother!!!!!!!


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

My wife never mentioned the breaking of no contact or mention about contacting him. As a matter of fact, before she left back around early June she asked that I not contact the OM wife any longer. I was pissed and told her that made no sense. Anyways, I agree 100% with the enabling and lack of consequences part. I had bad advice (unintentional) from her dad and to a lesser degree our counselor. That it was better to show my loving and caring side while this went down (while at the same time explaining I prefer her with me and working on our marriage) vs. playing hard ball and RISK losing her. So yes, she has learned she can do what the ***** she wants and knows she has a sucker for a husband who will take her back. Knowing that she had the bike ride in panties (and has a great physique), she possibly attracted someone else. I would hope my cousin sees to it that she doesn't allow that to happen if it is. My wife also mentioned she's trying to spend as little as possible while she's away (appears she is by bank statements) to make her being away seem less troubling. Whatever.This is making me more pissed as I type this down. If anyone has advice on ways to make oneself stronger emotionally to move on and get back to their lives, I'm all ears. I used to be a happy-go-lucky person before the "A-bomb" was finally discovered.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Maybe its just me, but some odd reason, I don't see how her biking around in panties with a bunch of dudes show how she wants to be married. Maybe this is some sort of fitness test.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18347-fitness-tests.html

While you think you are supporting her and not wanting to appear jealous and controlling, she sees it as you brushing it off and not caring.

Oh, and I sent you a PM about the 180.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

That is one thing that bothers me quite a bit. During this whole affair, she was always wanting to know my feelings. I did voice my displeasure about the affair, but I held back at times or bit my tongue in fear of pushing her away (advice given to me). I wouldn't be shocked that she sees this as me not caring at all. I do care. Her bike ride with her cousisn's soulmate (females) is made to appear as an innocent event and very well could be from her perspective. Things is, part of me is not happy that she was in an environment with other naked bike riders (particularly males) and the other part of me feels like I'm not surprised and doesn't care. Mixed feelings I guess. How should I respond about her bike ride? Be upfront about it? Sigh.


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## whammy (Apr 22, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> HtownDad,
> Sorry to hear you going thru this.
> I was given the order to divorce from my wife after discovery of her EA.
> No humility, no ownership, complete rewritten history, and vicious.
> ...


a woman out of love is as cold as if she never met you...


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> That is one thing that bothers me quite a bit. During this whole affair, she was always wanting to know my feelings. I did voice my displeasure about the affair, but I held back at times or bit my tongue in fear of pushing her away (advice given to me). I wouldn't be shocked that she sees this as me not caring at all. I do care. Her bike ride with her cousisn's soulmate (females) is made to appear as an innocent event and very well could be from her perspective. Things is, part of me is not happy that she was in an environment with other naked bike riders (particularly males) and the other part of me feels like I'm not surprised and doesn't care. Mixed feelings I guess. How should I respond about her bike ride? Be upfront about it? Sigh.


Since you are temporarily separated and doing the 180, I would say not to respond at all. The time to voice the displeasure at something like this would have been when she was living with you and before and during the A. 

She seems to be having a grand time and in no hurry to come back, is she? Doesn't she have a job that she has to come back to?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If you read all of the sites, in re:adultery, some have a section where WW, talk about what they are going thru-----The WW's who truly want to R. their mge., They are doing everything and anything 24/7, to get back into their family---they are selfless, they spend every waking moment doing ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING, 

Your children's mother---is doing none of this----She is off with her cousin, now in the middle of a 2 month fling---riding in nude bike events, displaying herself for all to see, not working, therefore not contributing, she is having a fling, doing what she wants, without anyone tell her how she must act

She is still attempting contact, she is putting a strain on the family financially, and who knows if she already doesn't have another lover lined up----your cousin conducts a life, so can't watch your children's mother, so who really knows what she is up to

If she really wanted this mge to work, the contact with her lover would have ended, she is still making attempts at contact, she wants you to stop talking to the one person who can really help you keep this under control---her lovers wife-----YOUR CHILDREN'S MOTHER DOES NOT SEEM VERY INTERESTED IN HER MGE, and she isn't doing one thing to come home and be a mother.

What do you want---can you honestly tell me you are not living in misery-----and even if she comes back, can you really look at her, and want to be with her, knowing what has gone on, and is still going on----basically her refusal to end the A., and now her refusal to make any attempt to get back into the mge.

Is this her one last fling, and then she will march unhappily home, so the 2 of you can live a sham mge., for your kids---while she yearns for her lover, and you try to keep it all together

Your sub-conscious is raising heck, you have no wife, your children don't have a mother---she is out there, having a good old time living the life of a single woman under the guise of depression-----what does it take to get you to see the light of day-------this whole existence is a farce---stop allowing it to continue

Draw your line in the sand, NOW---either she comes home, and does everything/anything to get back into the family, or she faces immediate divorce action


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

jnj express said:


> If you read all of the sites, in re:adultery, some have a section where WW, talk about what they are going thru-----The WW's who truly want to R. their mge., They are doing everything and anything 24/7, to get back into their family---they are selfless, they spend every waking moment doing ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING,


I have to agree, like the OM/OW forum at SI and LS. The way this WW is acting, it really leads me to believe that either a)she and OM have taken the A underground where OMW cant detect it or b)WW has a new A going on where her cousin lives.

She sure doesn't seem like she's interested in coming home at all. No incentive to, not really. She thinks she can come home anytime and there is no job she has to get back to it seems. She's hard headed and can't take criticism? Fine. I would tell her to stay gone and I'll send her the divorce papers. And I would cut off her money, since it seems she doesn't work. Houstondad, you should stop financing her free vacation.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I feel like I'm getting some darn good advice. I really do appreciate this. My wife works for the school district so she's getting paid during the summer. She was demoted however which is why she's looking elsewhere for a job before school starts again. I know what my gut is telling me to do. I have to admit my heart and emotions are struggling with this hurt, fear and extreme disappointment of the strong possibility of divorce. I wonder if she's waiting for me to do the divorce so she feels less guilty and believe that I was the one who gave up. I guess it doesn't matter what she thinks because her mind is so damn deluded. It's crazy how the person you married too for the last 11 years would be amazing and the day they finally confess to an A, they turn into this cold person who you don't recognize. If there is anyone familiar with Texas divorce preparation and has advice I'm all ears. I'm going to start looking into the process today.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Her money for summer is probably in the bank, or credit union---cut off all her funding, cancel her credit cards---but DEMAND---she now pay half of all bills related to the home, utilities, and any car she drives

It is very hard for the brain to overcome the heart---but you need to do so

She cannot be allowed to come waltzing back home in sept., and just take her place in the family as if nothing happened

See an atty., monday---and call your wife, and tell her either come home immediately, and become a mother, and try to work on the mge., or you will file D. papers this week

She is having her summer vacation, as a fling, w/out you and the kids, w/out responsibility, and w/out being married---she is out there like a single----riding in bike races, doing all sorts of things, while you continue to take all marital, and family responsibilities-----She is not in a mge, and you do not have a wife

Please no more about her depression---she WILL be depressed when she does come home--cuz all her fun will be over, she has to work, and be a wife, and mother again--- that will depress her---but I guarantee you she ain't depressed NOW---she is having a good time---she will have to try and work thru your misery that you deal with due to her A.---she isn't having to deal with any of it----she knows exactly what she is doing, and she is doing it very well, and believe me, she is with other men, where she is at.

Wake up---you, and your mge., and your kids, are being 'HAD', in a big way


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Wow. 2 packages came in the mail today for my 5 year old son from her. Gifts. She must be feeling a bit guilty? Wouldn't surprise me that by doing this, she justifies her actions and it makes her feel a little better.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> Wow. 2 packages came in the mail today for my 5 year old son from her. Gifts. She must be feeling a bit guilty? Wouldn't surprise me that by doing this, she justifies her actions and it makes her feel a little better.


That's exactly what it is and is part of the affair script and is not uncommon. They're called guilt gifts. Not everyone gets those, but some do.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Affair Script? You mean just part of the whole process, and not meaning she's still having an affair? Just curious on your thoughts LM.
And I found this in my google chats from June 29th. Apparently, I did tell her how I felt when she said she's staying longer with her cousin. My memory sucks. Sorry.

WW: i wanted to make sure that you got my message yesterday about me staying longer. I didnt hear back from you and was afraid that it might have been that you were upset that I wanted to stay longer or the message never went thru.

Me: I got it. Yeah, I was pissed at first. Reflecting on it, I'm just disappointed but at the same time you have to do, what you need to do so I am trying to understand. But I don't know why. I'm just assuming that you need more time/break. Is that why?

9:09 AM 
WW: Yes I need more time.
9:11 AM 
WW: I am going to work on excersizing, getting my resume finished, and relaxing. I feel like I can do those things much easier here than at home.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Also, I've found myself looking at other photos (from other bikers online) of this bike ride she was in that she told me about. If her ploy was to make me jealous and think about her, it's working to a degree. I'm struggling with getting it out of my mind. I want to focus on bettering myself and not dwell so much on her. The timing sure sucks.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> Also, I've found myself looking at other photos (from other bikers online) of this bike ride she was in that she told me about. If her ploy was to make me jealous and think about her, it's working to a degree. I'm struggling with getting it out of my mind. I want to focus on bettering myself and not dwell so much on her. The timing sure sucks.


I completely agree with the other poster's advice about not telling her your feelings about the bike ride UNLESS a few conditions apply AND it is communicated a certain way.

My wife is very attractive, but in our marital relationship she would never, ever participate in something like this. I'm not suggesting this to be a prude. What I'm saying is that she verbalizes frequently that her body is only to be seen by me, and that this is something that is important to her (her own quotable statements). So, if she did that it would be perfectly natural for me to reply that, "I was completely ready to accept reconciliation until you demonstrated to the world that you no longer agree with the person that you led me to believe you were before this affair. I remain open minded about reconciliation, but only if you give me something that would help me understand how this activity was supposed to show me that you are interested." If you don't have a context where she would connect to, such a statement would otherwise just make things get worse.

Just some thing to think about, which I learned early in my marriage when my wife almost gave in to an affair, but might not help everyone's style: One thing that it important in any conflict resolution discussion where you are not happy with the current status quo is to never offer a 'give-away' statement without linking it to a disclaimer to keep it neutral. When you say, "I really want to reconcile," then you are increasing her power, because she is hearing, "Lets put this affair behind us, and forget that I am hurting." You have to add a "but ...", yet do this while being careful not to give ultimatums. For me, I would say, "I want to reconcile," but then within that same context say, "but I can only get there if I know that you are willing to work hard to help us get back to this place."

After I learned from so many of my mistakes, my wife learned that another 'almost affair' would lead to a rapid divorce, no exceptions, and it seems like she respected me more for being unbending.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> Affair Script? You mean just part of the whole process, and not meaning she's still having an affair? Just curious on your thoughts LM.
> And I found this in my google chats from June 29th. Apparently, I did tell her how I felt when she said she's staying longer with her cousin. My memory sucks. Sorry.
> 
> WW: i wanted to make sure that you got my message yesterday about me staying longer. I didnt hear back from you and was afraid that it might have been that you were upset that I wanted to stay longer or the message never went thru.
> ...


Yeah, I was just going over some of the pictures off of flickr about the naked bike ride. WTF? She needs more time to do all that and go on naked bike rides instead of coming back and repairing the broken trust and the betrayal? Seriously?

You said you were pissed, then right away you pretty much told her to go ahead. Obviously she's not taking this seriously OR she's still doing dirt.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

What she is doing is BS, and you know it---she is out at her cousins, having a good old time, taking no responsibilities, for her kids, or her mge----and you are allowing it to happen

She will come waltzing home when school starts, having had a great time doing exactly what she wanted.

How is this a mge.---What it is, is your wife living the whole summer as a single, and you allowing it------and as i said before---I am willing to bet she AIN'T sitting home in the evenings.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

She has asked to video chat with the kids later today. What's the best way to respond if she asks if I've looked at her bike ride photos or what I think of them?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You just don't wanna really face facts do you---what's the difference what the bike ride reveals, its all part of the greater picture

RIGHT NOW YOUR WIFE IS LIVING AS A SINGLE---has no marital responsibilities, and no child-rearing responsibilities-------and you ARE ALLOWING IT TO GO ON

Are you really that afraid of her, to lay down the law---and tell her to get home now, and act like a wife, and mother, or you will put D. on the table

What are you afraid of----is it that you don't wanna disrupt your life as it is----and please do not give me the worn out line about staying for the kids, there are millions of split homes in this country, and the kids are just as well off--as in a home where lack of trust, misery, and unhappiness abounds

You can read thread after thread---you will see overwhelmingly that the straying spouse, made no move to rectify, until the betrayed spouse got very hard about things, and threatened consequences

Obviously you will do what you want, but right now you may be married---your wife is SINGLE!!!!!


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Okay , If your wife and the OM are tech geeks they will EASILY be able to take it totally underground. Trying to catch them out is going to be like herding cats. From what you say it looks to me like they ARE still communicating.

I say this because my wife keeps telling me it is over. [like I give a damn] Because I am the tech geek in this game I can absolutely tell you that they have NOT stopped

In fact. They may use your continued interest as a form of foreplay. Tricking the evil uncaring husband.. How clever they are. Etc etc.Then they meet.

Get out of the drama..


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

It's very possible there is still contact, but judging from the music she has been listening to online (I am able to track this), it's all about losing the one you love. It's one reason I think it's still a dead affair. But who knows? I do not contact her, but I do respond to her emails when she wants to chat with the kids or would like a recipe (I was the cook in the house). Should I cut off everything but kids communication? Her cousin who she is staying replied to an email I sent her. I thanked her for her help (good intentions) but mentioned the kids and I miss her and need her back. The cousin's response was that she doesn't feel comfortable interfering, but she thinks it's a good idea I tell my wife that I do miss her. Should I tell her that I miss having a wife, and my kids miss their mom? Or should I remain in the dark? I don't want to have it backfire on me where if I tell her I miss her that she continues to lose respect in me. Is it possible my wife is so down and out that she thinks I'm done with her already and she's just too depressed and tired to deal with it anymore?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Go look up the word cuckold. Then right it out backwards, put a string on it then hang it around your neck and go stand in front of a mirror. Why would she want to come back? She doesn't respect you, you don't respect yourself. What do you want? Try manning up. Never mind, whats the point?


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"She has asked to video chat with the kids later today."- Nice way to tuck-in the kids at night. You're wife is a REAL piece of work.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> Should I tell her that I miss having a wife, and my kids miss their mom?


What kind of a mother needs her husband to tell her that her kids miss her? Think about what you're saying. 



Houstondad said:


> Is it possible my wife is so down and out that she thinks I'm done with her already and she's just too depressed and tired to deal with it anymore?


She's going on naked bike rides in her panties. Does it look like she's depressed? She cheated, doesnt have to face you and the kids. IF and thats a big IF the A is indeed over, she is staying away because she doesnt want to face the consequences of the A. She thinks that if she stays for another month, she can get you to basically cool down and forget about it. Then she can try and quietly sweep this under the rug. In no way whatsoever does she want to own this affair.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

How can a mother be without her kids for ANY extended period of time? The way I see it... no caring mother would ABANDON their children in this way. Am I wrong about this???


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> How can a mother be without her kids for ANY extended period of time? The way I see it... no caring mother would ABANDON their children in this way. Am I wrong about this???


:iagree:

I really don't understand this either. :scratchhead:


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey HDad---lets not talk about you---lets talk about what is being done to your kids

Your childrens mother had a yr long A.,---for the whole of that time she knew that if/when she was caught the consequences, would change the lives of her own flesh and blood children for ever---but that didn't stop her one bit----no only did she think you were worthless, but she thought the same of her own children---for what mother knowingly would wanna ruin the lives of her children----UNLESS ---she knew that even tho caught, and the A. allegedly ended---there would be little or no consequences from her H---that in time it would all be quietly swept under the rug----Am I somewhat accurate in what I have just stated

Lets take this one step further----she invites her lover to spend one week, in your own home, with her children there---having sex with this guy---please, I know she stated nothing happened---but can you really at this point believe anything she says---and I would have to think having sex with her lover in your own home---might just be the straw that broke the camels back, so she certainly ain't gonna admit something like having sex in your home TO YOU!!!!!---what I am getting at---she didn't really know that much about this guy----yet she brought him into your home for one solid week------and obviously---did have some illicit action with him, while her own flesh and blood children were present---what kind of a mother does something like this

Lets go a little further---the A., is maybe over, so what does your childrens mother do---she ABANDONS, them,---she runs off to another state to live with her cousin----and it really doesn't matter what she is doing at her cousins---the point of all this---is---she does not wanna come home and try to make this mge work---she wants to stay away for the summer and play around----ALSO, could it be she wants to stay away the summer, so she doesn't have to be at home facing you---she is gonna wait till you are back at school teaching, and then she will come home and have to deal with you only part of the time----ALSO---is she abandoning, or giving up her job, considering she is gone for the summer????

So tell me HDad-----if someone came to you with the above story, and asked you for advice---WHAT WOULD YOU TELL THEM??????


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Yup, time to man the hell up. Tell her to get her a** back home or there won't be a home to come back to. I would change the locks and tell her that maybe she can earn a key. 

You ever think about checking to make sure you kids are really yours? Not that they wouldn't be your kids, but knowledge is power and with the entitled way your W is acting I would be concerned.


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## tangerine (Dec 17, 2011)

I am so sorry to hear this. I had an emotional affair on my husband as well, but very short duration and ended it myself because I really didn't want an affair in the first place....just someone to talk to about my marriage problems and since I work with almost all guys, it just happened. It happened twice actually, but the first time, my husband says it was an affair, but for me it wasn't. I confided in a co-worker-police officer and we had only met 2 times. Second time he wanted sex and I told him to get lost and told my husband. My husband forgave me the first time, but was upset that I was going for coffee with this guy behind his back. Second time was a little more involved. The guy was older and a mentor to me....we had a close friendship and eventually he wanted to start kissing and stuff and I did a bit, but then ended it because I decided I would rather work out the marriage with my husband. My husband and I have long standing issues that have never been resolved....some nasty stuff between us, but this last year he was trying hard to make things up to me in our marriage and I tuned out, but when he left me, I had a wake up call and realized I was being selfish and uncaring. My husband does not want a divorce or so he says, but everyday he yells at me, plays games, threatens divorce and all sorts of stuff. We have been separated for 5 months now and I really want to go to counselling and he says he will go when he is damn well ready....and plans to go 2 months from now. I try to prove my committment to resolving our marriage issues. I have given him my mobile phone. I watch the kids most of the time so he doesn't think I out and about with someone else and other stuff to prove I am committed, but nothing ever seems good enough. I have asked if he wants a divorce because he threatens it all the time and asks me if he divorces me, will I stop talking about problems...and I say yes and then he says ok divorce and hangs up and then calls me a couple of days later and when I ask if he wants a divorce he tells me that he told me we are not talking about problems and hangs up again. Then he said to me after some time, he doesn't want a divorce....just says things out of anger. Anyway, my advice to you guys is that if your marriage has had problems, tell your cheating wife that you wish to go to counselling and to work things out....including anything in yourself that has been harming the marriage. Sometimes women cheat because their emotional needs are never met at home and sometimes women cheat because they have issues from childhood that have not been resolved. In any case, let her know you forgive her and are committed to resolving things, but if she is uninterested and wishes to keep the affair up, you have to take care of yourself. She needs to take responsibility as well. Or, while she is still having the affair, go to a really experienced marriage counsellor and start going yourself and they will help you deal with this major dilemma. Some people are addicted to the affair....and later on when the affair ends....and the addicted feeling leaves, they realize they have made a huge huge mistake. I don't always think affairs are about sex. Sex may happen, but there is usually something else that someone is trying to fill themselves up with and it is usually irrational. So, in marriage, we should try and help our partner and see the bigger picture, but ultimately, your partner is also obligated to take accountability. Speak with a professional, they deal with this stuff all the time and will give you better insight into how to handle this situation. Best of Luck and I am so sorry that you are sitting in limbo with a broken heart. It really helps if you see your partner as ill.....that way you don't take the affair personally and let it eat away at you. Hoping for the best.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

tangerine, this thread is very old, and things have moved on. They are divorcing.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I appreciate Tangerine taking the time and effort to discuss her story as well as being hopeful I can resolve mine. When I finally discovered the truth, I took her to MC, and did so many things to meet her emotional needs. You name the book, I probably read it trying to save the marriage. But she was addicted to the affair. It continued for months as I tried to deposit love points and waited for the affair to die. Thing is, even when it did, she did not want to work on the marriage. Her heart was never in it. Her words. So I started working on myself. Pulling myself out of the hell she took me to and I allowed to happen. If I could go back to change how I handled the discovery of the affair, I would. But I have no regrets either. I did my best and learned so much. Advice and encouragement from others have helped too. The same mistakes will never happen again. So....? I'm divorcing her. Never my #1 choice, but I'm at peace with it now. It's what best for my kids and I...and for her.


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