# EX Girlfriend



## kylie42 (Sep 1, 2013)

My husband of 15 years has told me he is not in love with me anymore but loves and cares about me and that he has met up with his ex girlfriend of 18 years ago and they have feelings for each other, she dumped him after 3 years (they never lived together) as he was depressed and she was to young to cope she is separated her husband had a affair and she 2 young children we don't have any, he spends Friday to Monday with her and then comes back to "our" home so it is easy for him to go to work, I have started the divorce which he was shocked about as he said can't we just separate and divorce in a few years time. At the age of 47 he is taking about buying her a house transferring his job etc but is saying to me you can go out during the week to meet friends but he won't stay at home at the weekends for our little dog that he wanted. 
He is totally in love with himself which is so unlike him going to the gym buying new clothes and facebook and her seem to be his new best friends
He talks about buying a new bed for himself as he is in the spare room and selling the house next year, I can't /won't hang around 
what is going on in his head it has only been 4 weeks and he is changing his life as well as mine

Sorry for the rant any advise
would be really welcome


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

Good for you for starting the divorce proceedings. Why are you letting him back in the house during the week? May I suggest you tell him today that he is not coming back again and you are having the locks on the house changed. He made his choice, now live with it. You don't owe him the kindness of making his life easier. Let him commute to work. Pack his bags and let him know they will be waiting on the driveway. Also tell him if he wants any further communication with you to speak through your attorney.

You are right, your husband is selfish.

You should have this thread moved to "coping with infidelity" or "going through a divorce".


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Your husband at this point basically gets to have a three day booty call every weekend, and then come home and act like everything is fine so he can go to work. Time to change that dynamic. Tell him your martial home is not a hotel that he can stop in and out as he pleases. 

Change the locks, file the paperwork, tell him to go live with her. 

I mean the fact that he wanted you to separate but not divorce "for a few years" tells me he was hoping to keep up the weekend with hers, weekdays with you for as long as you'd tolerate it. Total cake eater.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Fifteen years soon enough turns into twenty. Dump him and start thinking of yourself.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

It's illegal to lock him out. If you do, it will make you look like a bad guy in the D. Ask your lawyer how to get him out. A separation agreement could do it. Make uncomfortable financial arrangements for him to stay. What financial arrangement have you made? Mortgage, utilities etc. 

Let your lawyer handle this. Get him out right now he has wifee taking care of the house and gf to have fun with. Make him choose one or the other. Don't put yourself on his back burner. Let the gf who got rid of him 18 yrs ago deal with him. She will soon realize why she dumpted him 18 yrs ago. 

Let me tell you what might be going on. Just consider this and see if it fits. 

The OW kicked him to the curb 18 years ago for more than his depression and her youth. Now he thinks that since he is not depressed and she is not young, he has a chance to relive his youth and get the one who got away. 

OW has low self esteem now and she just went through a painful D with a cheating husband. Along comes your husband to the rescue, until she gets back on her feet. It is possible that she will remember why she dumped him and do it again. 

Your husband follows the cheater script to the letter. Suddenly he throws away everythung for a fantasy. He rewrites the history of your relationship. When she drop kicks him out of fantasy land, he will realize what a fool he has been. You cant predict when that will be could be years.

You are doing the right thing. Your action speak of self respect. You are his safety net. As long as you are there he can stay in fantasy land and if it does not work out he can go back to you. Kick his azz out you are not second best. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Not to mention, moving in with her means living with her two small children full time. Boy will that be a boner killer. His eyes will open real fast when reality sets in and this stupid fantasy is killed by kids being up sick all night.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

He doesn't want to divorce right away because he wants the option of going back to you if his [email protected] doesn't work out. Continue with the divorce and as others have said change the locks and do not let him back in during the week. It's time to play hardball.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

^ Yes.

Separation instead of divorce is his way of keeping you as his plan B. That women is his EX for a reason and the reason will eventually surface after the fun dies down and there will be you, waiting around. He keeps making the shots, but now it's time for you to start making the shots. Please continue with the divorce and don't let him anywhere's near the bedroom. Put yourself around friends and start to learn to live for yourself again. It doesn't end here.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

Depending on the laws in your state and the housing situation, kicking him out can be tricky business. Is the house in his name, yours, or both? Even if it's in yours, it can be tricky. Some time ago, I voluntarily moved out of a house in my H's name and he was still told he couldn't change the locks on me! (so there is no confusion with any other posts of mine, we have since reconciled.)

You said there are no children which is great! Much cleaner for the pending divorce! But the divorce is a MUST. IDK if you started paperwork on your own or contacted a lawyer, but a lawyer is going to be needed for the division of property since he is obviously not going to be compliant.

How much of an option is it for YOU to leave? If you don't have a severe emotional tie to the house, go get an apartment for now and have it listed in the divorce for either selling with division or he can buy your half.

Whatever you do, do NOT let him use you like this!! Good luck OP, keep us posted.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

No one deserves to be treated like this. 

Unbelievable. 

Gag.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I hope you have a good lawyer.

One of the reasons he wants to stay married to you is because he wants to spend martial assets on her. He wants to buy her a house... with money that you are entitle to 50% of. I wonder how much he's blowing on her right now.

Find out and keep track of this. Get your 50%. He can waste his 50% on her, not your 50%.

Can you afford the house you are in now on your own? Will he owe you alimony? That could help if he does.

If you want the house and can afford it, then get sole use of it now as part of the divorce agreement. IT's not his decision if the house is kept or sold. You have a say in this.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Right now you are running the Plan B Motel. Pack his sh!t and toss him out. Then get that divorce served on his a$$, and tell him welcome to reality!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Maybe if you threaten him within an inch of his life he won't come back home. Start walking around the house with a knife and doing other weird 'unstable' stuff and see if he comes back after his weekend romps. He has got to GO.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kylie42,

I sure would be nice if Kylie were to come back and talk about those who are taking time trying to help out.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Sorry you're facing this. Unfortunately, your husband is behaving all too commonly. The Coping With Infidelity forum has a plethora of threads where one spouse finally gets on Facebook, finds an old ex (even from high school), and suddenly rekindles the fires of passion for the love of a lifetime.

You can't really force your husband out of his fog. But one thing that might work is to force him to face the consequences of his actions. It's absolutely typical that your husband was surprised that you wouldn't accept his new lifestyle of having an open marriage.

You need to both distance yourself emotionally (making divorce easier on you), and communicate to your husband that you're leaving. There are many threads where spouses will cheat, insist that they want their new lives and not their old lives, and then suddenly find religion when divorce papers and support demands are filed.

Run the 180. It will help you accomplish the above. There is a chance that it could snap your husband out of his fog (if you want to reconcile). But it will certainly help you deal with your situation.

Good luck.

http://www.network54.com/Forum/233195/thread/1302875291/last-1302891381/The+180


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## kylie42 (Sep 1, 2013)

Thank you all so much for your advise it has really helped he will be receiving the lawyer letter on Thursday.

I have not heard from him all weekend and then Monday afternoon the texts start he comes in Monday night with a big grin on his face and sorry I could not help it when he said Hi is everything alright here I flipped and told him you go away for 5 days and I hear nothing from you and then another 2 and then your asking is everything ok here just [email protected]@k Off.

Then I receive another text today to say I might be working late oh and Friday and Saturday night (either he wants to say at home or she has plans) so I just replied you said you are away every weekend so either book yourself into a hotel if your working or [email protected]@k off to her.

He walks in tonight says hello annoys the poor dog to get a reaction from me and than offers to make coffee.

I really can't wait for the divorce letter to arrive the only sad thing about the whole farce is that he really does not know me or has this idea of the little wife at home waiting for a fool like him.

Sorry for going on I am a very logical person so am trying to understand how the man I knew who I loss 7 baby's (miscarriages) for and stood by through think and thin can turn on me even though he says you have been the most loving loyal wife a man could wish for but I can't help the way I feel about her


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You should have packed his bags and kicked his cheating a$$ out.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

SEE A LAWYER (although you filed and I assume this will be a complex divorce... so why are you not trusting him/her with THIS detail)

You do need to be careful about the lock thing, my ex changed the locks and it is not looking too great on him.

You certainly can have a separation agreement in place while you are working out the details of the divorce.

I don't have kids, but what my stbxh is going to have to pay for cheating, stealing money (I assume he is buying her things with your MARITAL money) it would have been way cheaper to string me along for YEARS.

Keep in mind a legal seperation and a non legal one are different. In the legal it's almost like a divorce, assets etc get split.

You can try the separation agreement and see if it works.. at least for now so you get him OUT, but keep in mind the more time he spends with this woman the more you will have to play hardball in the end.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

kylie42 said:


> Thank you all so much for your advise it has really helped he will be receiving the lawyer letter on Thursday.
> 
> I have not heard from him all weekend and then Monday afternoon the texts start he comes in Monday night with a big grin on his face and sorry I could not help it when he said Hi is everything alright here I flipped and told him you go away for 5 days and I hear nothing from you and then another 2 and then your asking is everything ok here just [email protected]@k Off.
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry this happened to you. This stuff is unfair, and we have all had our share of it here.

Whatever you do- keep in mind the image of yourself, STRONG, FREE and eventually being able to LAUGH at what a jerk this guy was and how happy you now are.

I know that it's hard but you need to tell the lawyer EVERYTHING besides the actual divorce, which is a hearing, motions can be filed in court to determine temporary things. For example: temporary orders of protection if you feel like he is harassing you - btw it kind of sounds like he is abusive in a way- throwing this in your face, temp custody and temp maintenance/alimony. I don't think you would have a problem getting some type of non contact order.

Don't let your husband make you crazy and slip. Just keep being logical and as calm as you can. Make sure you get ALL the financial records (you don't want them to go "missing" or have to file motions to explore his records)

Let him have his fun now, because he will be one of the MANY (as will she) who will end up crying over all the stuff he "lost" like MONEY, child support etc. And probably realize that all this was is some stupid phase.

Be brutally honest with your lawyer about YOUR needs. 

I can tell you one thing, there is nothing better than someone in your corner telling you things will be okay.

Does your and his family know about all of this? If not maybe they should.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

:iagree: with the cute little bunny


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kylie42,

It sounds like you have seen an attorney already. What does he/she say about getting him out of the house ASAP so you can have some peace and not have to put up with being abused like this.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

When gf kicks him to the curb it's very possible he'll show up at your door with crocodile tears about how he was wrong/it's you he wants/he made a mistake/etc. Think carefully about whether you want him back now that he's shown you who he is. Stop engaging him at all, just ignore him and talk to him through your lawyer. He gets off on how important her is. Do not give him any more power over you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Keep going forwards and see if you can get him out legally in the lead up to the divorce. 

Try not to react to him. He will try to push your buttons to keep you off balance and doubtful. 

You know all you need to know, you got your plan together. All you need now is ti work out the financial settlement. Keep busy by getting together the financial documents and anticipating his financial shenanigans 

Of course it will not be that easy. You will need to depend heavily on family and friends to get you through.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

kylie42 said:


> Sorry for going on I am a very logical person so am trying to understand how the man I knew who I loss 7 baby's (miscarriages) for and stood by through think and thin can turn on me even though he says you have been the most loving loyal wife a man could wish for but I can't help the way I feel about her


You need to understand that logic has nothing to do with his feelings, or his actions. Brain chemicals are released that have a narcotic effect in the early stages of attraction/dating. It happened to him when he first started dating you. It's happening again with his girlfriend. He is literally high all the time when he is with her, or thinking about her.

Adolescents go through the same thing with their relationships and crushes. That's why perfectly reasonable adults will suddenly start acting like love struck teenagers when they have an affair.

There are two ways to end the infatuation. He can either indulge it and let it die gradually and naturally, over months or years, or he can face consequences that are severe enough that he will give up his new addiction. If he thinks that he has to give you half his paycheck for the next several years, then he might decide that his new habit isn't worth it.

Just keep to the 180 and keep moving forward with your divorce. Even if you would like to reconcile, divorce tends to be a slow process that you can halt at any time. Until he gives you very good reasons to halt, keep proceeding.

Good luck.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

bunny23 said:


> I know that it's hard but you need to tell the lawyer EVERYTHING besides the actual divorce, which is a hearing, motions can be filed in court to determine temporary things. For example: temporary orders of protection if you feel like he is harassing you - btw it kind of sounds like he is abusive in a way- throwing this in your face, temp custody and temp maintenance/alimony. I don't think you would have a problem getting some type of non contact order.


If the OP wants a court order forcing her husband to limit his contact with her, she should be honest and simply state that interacting with him is emotionally unpleasant for her. She can probably get a court order on that basis alone.

She should absolutely not manufacture allegations of abuse toward her husband out of thin air. Abuse means violence, threats, or coercion. Her husband isn't doing any of that. He's just being an inconsiderate jerk.


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## kylie42 (Sep 1, 2013)

Hi All

Thanks for all the advise I have been looking up narcissism and thought someone had written about my husband!

He likes control of every situation, likes the house spotless clean, likes to show off his home, car and me to friends and work friends so why throw all that away to go with someone from his past who has nothing she rents her home works part time has no money and sorry to say but is not much to look at a kind of bland woman.
I am still going ahead with the divorce which he will know about tomorrow as I have already told him but I don't think he believes it.

He is now talking about his work patterns changing to shift work and staying home weekends where the last 4 weeks have been I am away every weekend.

With his narcissism which I am very sure he has likes to keep me away from family and friends living out in the sticks but I can go to work so he can enjoy my salary do I do the 180 rule or play nice until the house is sold and the divorce happens.

Thanks all


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You need to cut him off from your money NOW! Yesterday, actually. Why the hell should YOU fund his affari?? Doing th 180 isnt not being nice, its distancing yourself so that you can cope and move forward.


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## kylie42 (Sep 1, 2013)

*Re: EX Girlfriend and husband update*

letter arrived today he took one look at the outside which has the lawyers stamp on and so far has not opened it, how strange oh and the only other words spoken was I am not working this weekend now.......like really 

if you so want to be with someone else would you not be happy that your wife as started the divorce and open the letter or is that me just being logical again!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Yes, well not opening the letter is avoidance. He's aware of what it is, and he wants to stall. Get control of you and this situation. He has to think of how to do that, and so far all he has is to suddenly NOT be gone over the weekend. THIS weekend he has committed to you, and you're supposed to forget what an ass he's been and how he's treated you.


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## kylie42 (Sep 1, 2013)

*Re: EX Girlfriend -update on divorce status*

Hi All

Thanks for all your advise it is very welcome..

STBEH got his divorce letter which he did not open until the following day and then went away to his ex girlfriend for the weekend

Well the letter stated he had 7 days to acknowledge receipt of the letter to my lawyer well guess what he never did, he will now have it served on him in his office which won't be good as he works in a court of law. He also won't acknowledge that he has the letter to me (I left it on the table for him so I know he has it)

For someone who is "living" with his ex/now girlfriend 3 nights a week trying to change his work location and planning Christmas with her I just don't get why he has not seen a lawyer himself or replied to mine.

I am also semi tied to the house as we have a dog who needs walking and feeding but if he hears me on the phone making arrangements to go out or I arrange for him to come back straight from work he is always "working late" or having to stay overnight else where due to work which I know is all a lie as he goes to her house why is he doing this is it power/control what is the point? 

I just don't get all this living in the past rubbish he posts old photos of himself on FB, seeing his ex girlfriend from that time and going to reunions with old work friends from that time who he had never kept in contact with 

Any advise really welcome


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

What does your lawyer say?


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## kylie42 (Sep 1, 2013)

*Re: EX Girlfriend update*

The lawyer says as he is spending money from the joint account which is now nearly zero and that by doing this it shows he is buying shopping for her home and I will be able to claim this money back in the divorce as well as the divorce costs.

The lawyer is going ahead with the divorce so at some stage he will have to lift his head and come into the "real world" and face the fact that he will lose half his home, half his pension and his car

I did the 180 last night and went to my room woke up this morning to a note stating going to gym after work if this causes any problems for you regarding the dog let me know signed off with his initials and a kiss 

The mail has just arrived and he has gone for another credit card which is madness (I don't have to pay them as they are in his name) but he has thousands on 2 cards already this is not like him at all he was always very careful with money over the 15 years and always said we need to save for this and that.
It does seem like he is trying to buy her and create a new life style for her as she has very little money herself but when the divorce is finished he won't have really anything only her and a lot of debt .........I know not my problem 

Thanks for all the advise I am talking to my family and they think I am doing the right thing in divorcing him everyone just keeps saying they are so shocked with the way he is behaving as it is not like him at all, which seems to send me back the way in emotionally so it's great that you guys are helping me:smthumbup:. hope I am not boring you all:sleeping:


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

You are not boring us!!! That is good you are going to get your share of the $$$ back and won't be liable for his debt. What does your lawyer say about him living in the house? What are your options until it is final?


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## kylie42 (Sep 1, 2013)

*Re: EX Girlfriend update house*

Thank you responding to me :smthumbup:

The lawyer says he has as much right in the house as I do as we have a joint mortgage so until the finances are sorted I am basically stuck with him.

Tonight was not to bad he is being polite doing his own washing and dinner but trying to talk to me about his job and how stressed he is.

The thing I find most funny which maybe shows I have turned a corner is that he has a key to her house and keeps hiding his bunch of keys just in case I notice there is another one on there .
I just don't get the cheek of him being able to walk back into "our" house after being with her he even said last week I don't have a girlfriend and am not in a relationship oh really tell that to the fairy's as your FB pages shows you as still married but showing you going here and there with Michelle very odd behaviour it's like he does not want to tell me about her where 7 weeks ago it was I have feeling for her and want to see what happens.

They have book a 5 day break away and he is telling me he is going away for work why lie as his friends tell me everything he is up too


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

He is probably lying because he is afraid of loosing more of his assets in the divorce if he is a proven adulterer. I hope you are gathering lots of evidence.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Kylie - Can you tell him that it would be more convenient for him to move out so that he can concentrate in the new life he will have when you D him? That is being realistic and upfront. 

He is enjoying this game, seeing you upset over this. Don't play it. He is abnormal and his behavior is affecting your behavior. Tell him that he's got the D papers and pretending he didn't is unusual behavior. 

He can stick his head in the sand if he wants but you are no longer interested in him or his job. Say it with a pleasant way like you are discussing nice whether with a imbecile. 

L et him know that all you want to hear about is the D and nothing else. Just put a smile on your face and look pleasant when he says anything. 

At the same time act as if you are not really listening. You have to beat him at his own game. 

He wants to come home to be entertained by seeing your reaction to him? So give him nothing. N hate being ignored. They hate not being in control. 

If you say anything to him, make sure it shows him he is no longer in control. There are web sites and books on how to deal with N. With knowledge you can deal effectively with him. 

What ever you do, do not let him know that you know his game. Keep him off balance by being pleasant to him. Expect him to up the provocative attention getting behavior. 

He might do things that he knows will bother you. Don't react in a way he expects. Be pleasant and fix what ever he does to get a reaction do it with an inane smile on your face. 

By the time you are rid of him he won't know if he coming or going. Easy for me to say right? But do what you need to do to make this happen. 

Meditate, drink a glass of red wine (its good for you), talk to yourself, listen to Mozart. After a week of seeing him squirm it won't be so difficult.


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